Scene Description: South Park Elementary, Garrison's classroom.
Mr. Garrison: Okay, children, let's take our seats. This morning we're going to have a special lecture by your school counselor, Mr. Mackey.
Scene Description: Mr. Mackey passes in front of Garrison and gets ready to speak.
Stan: [Imitating the counselor] Booooo!
Mr. Mackey: Nuh-now, who was that?
Scene Description: No one speaks.
Mr. Mackey: That is not appropriate behavior, m'kay?
Stan: [Mimicking] I'm sorry, Mr. Mackey, m'kay?
Mr. Mackey: Uh... That's okay, just don't let it happen again.
Kyle: [Following Stan's lead.] We won't let it happen again, Mr. Mackey, m'kay?
Scene Description: The others laugh.
Mr. Mackey: Uh, okay, okay, that's fine.
Cartman: M'kay?
Mr. Mackey: M'kay. [More laughs.] Now, uh, as your counselor, I'm here to tell you about drugs and alcohol and why they're bad, m'kay? Uh, so, first of all, uh, smokin's bad.
Scene Description: Writes "smoking" on the board.
Mr. Mackey: You shouldn't smoke. And-uh, alcohol is bad.
Scene Description: Writes "alcohol" on the board.
Mr. Mackey: You shouldn't drink alcohol. And-uh, as for drugs, well, drugs are bad. You shouldn't do drugs. M'kay, that about wraps up my introduction, now uh, are there any questions?
Scene Description: Stan's hand is up.
Mr. Mackey: Yes, Stan?
Stan: Why do dogs have cold noses?
Scene Description: Stan points to the center of his face, where his nose should be.
Mr. Mackey: Uhhh, well, I'm not sure.
Stan: Oh.
Mr. Mackey: Now-uh, let's focus our discussion first on marijawana.
Scene Description: Writes "marijuana" on the board.
Mr. Mackey: Marijawana's bad, and it also has a very distinct smell, okay? I'm gonna pass around just a little tiny bit. Now, I want you all to take a smell,
Scene Description: Pip takes the Petri dish with the marijuana leaf in it and just looks at it. The others look at him.
Mr. Mackey: ...so you know when someone is smoking marijawana near you. M'kay, just take a smell, pass it on,
Scene Description: Pip sniffs at it, then passes it back to Bill.
Mr. Mackey: ...and when it gets back up to me,
Scene Description: Bill sniffs at it.
Mr. Mackey: ...we'll finish talking about it. In the meantime, I want to get into alcohol a little, okay? Uh, alcohol is bad. Uh, if you drink alcohol you...
Kyle: Hey, are you guys gonna come to Ike's party this weekend?
Stan: Your little brother's having a party? Why, is it his birthday?
Kyle: No, it's his bris.
Cartman: What the hell is a "bris"?
Kyle: I don't know. But there's gonna be lots of food, and a band.
Cartman: Oh, kick ass! I wanna have a bris!
Mr. Mackey: ...and so uh, that's why alcohol is bad. Uh, ha-has that marijawana made it back up here yet?
Scene Description: No answer from the class.
Mr. Mackey: No? O-okay. Let's talk about LSD.
Scene Description: Mr. Mackey writes "LSD" on the board.
Mr. Mackey: Uh, children, LSD i-is bad. It's a drug made famous by John Lennon and Paul McCartney...
Stan: Hey, are we supposed to get your little brother presents for a bris?
Kyle: Uhhh... I'm not sure.
Stan: Well, dude, you better find out!
Mr. Mackey: Boys, are you paying attention?
Stan: Sorry, Mr. Mackey, m'kay?
Mr. Mackey: Okay. Now, children, has that marijawana made it around yet?
Scene Description: No response.
Mr. Mackey: Uhh, who-who has the marijawana now?
Scene Description: Stan blinks.
Mr. Mackey: Ummm okay, whoe-whoever has the marijawana, just pass it up to the front row, m'kay?
Scene Description: Not a thing.
Mr. Mackey: Woh-oh.
Scene Description: Principal Victoria's office.
Principal Victoria: I am very disappointed in you, young man. You should be ashamed of yourself. What could have possessed you to be so stupid? [Thumps the desk.]
Mr. Mackey: I'm sorry, Prinshipal Victoria.
Principal Victoria: We-hell, "sorry" isn't going to cut the cheese this time, mister! I'm afraid I'm going to have to suspend you from school.
Mr. Mackey: You mean I'm fired?
Principal Victoria: Well, I guess that's the grown-up way to put it, yes.
Mr. Mackey: But-but it was an honest error of judgment, m'kay? I-I really thought it was important for the kids to know the smell of marijawana-
Principal Victoria: It was an error of judgment, Mr. Mackey, but I'm afraid I have to let you go for it. We searched each one of those kids, but came up empty.
Mr. Mackey: But-
Principal Victoria: We had to let them go home, and one of them now has half a lid of Jamaican grass because of you!
Mr. Mackey: Huh, how am I going to make ends meet...m-[Sniff.]m'kay? Wha-what will I do for money??
Principal Victoria: There, there, now. Maybe this will all blow over someday and we can give you a job as a janitor cleaning up vomit with that pink sawdust stuff.
Mr. Mackey: [Sobbing.] No-uho-uho-uho! [Sniff.] Not o-uho-uhokay!
Scene Description: Bus stop. The kids leave the bus and Mrs. Crabtree peels away screaming.
Stan: Man! That sucked, getting searched.
Scene Description: They walk off together.
Cartman: Yeah, my ass is killing me.
Kyle: Why did they search us? That marijawana never even made it to us.
Cartman: I wonder who took it.
Scene Description: Mr. Garrison's house. He's looking drowsy watching Teletubbies'
Announcer: And now it's almost time for BoBo's.
Scene Description: The Teletubbies move around whirring all the while. Garrison laughs softly.
Scene Description: The boys are walking home when Chef drives up to them.
Chef: Hello there, children.
Boys: Hey, Chef.
Kyle: How's it going?
Chef: Bad.
Kyle: Why bad?
Chef: Children, I heard about what happened at school today. Now, none of you took that nasty marijuana, did you?
Stan: No, dude, we never even saw it!
Chef: Okay. Because I just want to tell you that drugs are bad!
Stan: We know, we know, that's what everybody says.
Chef: Right. But do you know why they're bad?
Kyle: Because they're an addictive solution to a greater problem, causing disease of both body and mind with consequences far outweighing their supposed benefits.
Chef: And do you have any idea what that means?
Kyle: No.
Cartman: I know. Drugs are bad because if you do drugs, you're a hippie, and hippies suck.
Chef: Look, children. This is all I'm goin' to say about drugs: stay away from them. There's a time and place for everything, and it's called college. Do you understand?
Boys: Dude!
Chef: Okay. [Starts to move.]
Kyle: Hey, are you going to come to Ike's bris this weekend?
Chef: [Stops.] Oh, hell no! I can't bear to see that!
Stan: What do ya mean?
Chef: Don't you boys know what a bris is? They're going to circumcise him.
Cartman: Wo-what's that?
Chef: Oh boy. Here we go again.
Scene Description: The boys wait.
Chef: Children... Uhh... What's the one thing that's more sacred to a man than anything else in the world?
Stan: Ahhh, bicycles?
Cartman: Ham?
Kyle: No, not ham, you fat fuck!
Cartman: Screw you! It's ham, isn't it?
Chef: No, no, no, children, I'm talkin' about the most important part of a man's body.
Kyle: Your heart?
Stan: Your eyes?
Scene Description: Chef slaps his hand to his forehead in disbelief.
Kenny: (Ooh, the penis!)
Chef: That's right.
Cartman: Hey! My mom says you're not supposed to call it a penis, Kenny! You're supposed to call it a fireman.
Chef: A "fireman"?
Cartman: That's the proper way to say it, or else you get a spanking.
Chef: Dammit, children! Why do I always have to be the one to explain all this stuff to you?
Scene Description: Chef starts up his car. The radio comes on.
Chef: Ask your parents for once!
Kyle: Hey, wait!
Scene Description: Chef drives away.
Stan: Dude, something tells me this bris thing isn't good.
Scene Description: Mr. Mackey is walking the streets of South Park, quite depressed. A car pulls up and the driver honks twice. Mr. Mackey looks to see who it is.
Female passenger: Hey, Mackey, you got any more pot? My four-year-old needs a fix! Yehahahahaha!
Scene Description: They drive off. Bill Allen's father pulls up in a small truck.
Mr. Allen: Hey, Mackey! Now we see what you and Homer Simpson have in common, d'oh-pe! [Peels away.] Ha ha ha ha!
Scene Description: Mr. Mackey resumes his sorrowful walk. A blue car pulls up.
Driver 2: Heeey, Mackey!
Driver 3: Hey, Mackey! Why did the drug user cross the road?
Driver 3's Passenger: Who do you think you are, you stupid drug-taking hippie?! You damn hippies are all alike!
Driver 4: Won't you leave the guy alone?
Scene Description: Traffic is building up. Horns blow.
Driver 5: Hey, hippie, are you gonna do some drugs?
Mr. Mackey: Uuuuuugh!
Scene Description: Quickly drops into a bar and takes a seat.
Bartender: Hey, I don't think I've seen you around here before.
Mr. Mackey: Naw, I just- I had to get away, m-m'kay? I just lost my job.
Bartender: Oh that's weak, man. You know what you need? You need a good, stiff drink.
Mr. Mackey: Oh-uh-uh, I don't drink, m'kay?
Bartender: Trust me, man! It'll make you feel better.
Scene Description: Places the mug before him.
Mr. Mackey: Ughuh... [To himself.] Drinkin's bad.
Devil: [Poof.] Go ahead. Drink the beer. It'll calm you down.
Angel: [Poof.] Yeah, why the hell not? It's just a beer. Don't be such a pussy, m'kay?
Scene Description: Mackey takes the beer and drinks most of it.
Scene Description: Poof. The angel and devil are gone.
Bartender: So how do you feel?
Mr. Mackey: [Burp] Woah, about the same.
Bartender: Oh, you just need something a little stronger.
Scene Description: Serves up some Scotch whiskey.
Scene Description: The boys minus Stan are at the curb working on an ice sculpture of South Park.
Stan: [Rushing up.] Kyle! You have to stop them!
Kyle: Stop who?
Stan: Dude! I found out what a bris is! I found out what they're gonna do to Ike!
Kyle: What?
Stan: They're gonna chop off his wee wee!
Scene Description: Kyle's jaw drops. For a moment he's dumbstruck.
Kyle: Chop off his wee wee?! Are you sure?!
Stan: Yeah, dude! It's a Jewish tradition! It's called a circumstision!
Cartman: Dude! That is not cool! Choppin' off wee wees is not cool!
Kyle: That can't be true! My parents wouldn't do that!
Stan: Dude, I asked five different people. They said all Jewish boys have circumstisions, an-and they make it into a party called a bris.
Cartman: Dude, yuh-eh-you just don't...chop off somebody's fireman!
Kyle: I won't believe it! I won't! I have to ask my mom and dad!
Scene Description: He leaves for home. The others follow.
Scene Description: Mr. Mackey is walking down the street, drunk, singing Pat Benatar's "Love is a Battlefield"
Mr Mackey: We are young, m'kay? Heartache to heartache we stand, m'kay? No promises, no demands, m-m'kay..?
Scene Description: Mr. Mackey approaches front door of his house; he places his key into the lock but fails to fit.
Mr. Mackey: Whoa... Is this my house?
Landlord: [Smoking a cigar.] Your key ain't gonna work, Mackey! I changed the locks!
Mr. Mackey: Why, Mr. Freely?
Mr. Freely: I'm not rentin' to you anymore! I heard that you got fired from your job for selling drugs to children!
Mr. Mackey: No, no, no, m'kay? I-it wasn't like that.
Mr. Freely: Drugs are an illegal narcotic! And having never taken drugs, I can say that they have nothing to offer!
Mr. Mackey: But I've never taken drugs either.
Mr. Freely: I've never taken drugs, and look at me! I'm totally fine! Now get off my property before I lose control and kill you!
Scene Description: Mr. Freely takes out his cigar and throws it away.
Mr. Mackey: Huuhh?
Scene Description: Freeley throws a rock at Mackey, which strikes him on the left side of the head, and Mackey falls.
Mr. Mackey: Ow, m'kay?!
Mr. Freely: Drug user! Druuug user!
Mr. Mackey: [Struggles to get up.] Uh, uh-
Scene Description: Mr. Mackey tries to dodge the rocks Freeley is chucking at him.
Mr. Freely: Come back here, dammit!
Mr. Mackey: Whoa, wait!
Scene Description: Mr. Mackey ends up running away, meanwhile at Kyle's home. Decorations for the bris are going up.
Sheila: Just a little higher.
Scene Description: The boys arrive.
Kyle: Mom! Dad!
Sheila: Oh, hi, bubele. I'm glad you're here; you can help decorate for the party.
Gerald: Your mother's made gahekgafuga.
Cartman: What the hell is gahekgafuga?
Kyle: Mom, Dad, what exactly are this party for?
Sheila: To celebrate your little brother's [Ike claps.] passage into life.
Kyle: Meaning what?
Gerald: Meaning we're going to circumcise him. [Kyle gasps.]
Cartman: They are gonna cut off his fireman!
Sheila: It's Jewish tradition, bubbe.
Gerald: Normally, we do it right after the baby is born, but we had to do it later for Ike because he's a-
Kyle: AAAAAGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!
Scene Description: Kyle rushes into his room. The boys stare at Kyle's parents agape with their jaws dropped for a moment.
Gerald: Oh, now what's gotten into him? Stan, will you go talk to him?
Scene Description: Stan is stiff. In his vision, the parents become dæmons with Gerald holding shears.
Sheila, Gerald: Let us cut off you pee pee, Stan!
Stan, Cartman: AAAAGGGGHHHH!!!! Aaagg-that's the sickest friggin' thing-run, ruuun!
Scene Description: Kenny pulls his hood closed.
Kenny: (Run, dude!)
Scene Description: All three run into Kyle's room.
Sheila: Oy, what is the matter with them?
Scene Description: Kyle's bedroom.
Kyle: I can't believe my parents are cannibals!
Stan: What are you goin' to do, dude?
Kyle: I have to save my little brother! I have to send him away until my parents come to their senses!
Scene Description: He jumps out the window.
Kyle: Come on, Ike!
Scene Description: Ike jumps off and into Kyle's arms.
Kyle: Cover me for a while. I'll find a place to hide him and come back.
Cartman: No way, dude! We're not staying alone in your house with your wee-wee-choppin' parents!
Kyle: Just give me 30 minutes. Come on, Ike!
Scene Description: Cartman and Stan look at each other, scared.
Scene Description: A dark alley. Mr. Mackey is sleeping under some pages from a newspaper.
Mr. Mackey: Hoh! I can't sleep; it's too cold, m'kay?
Hobo: Hey, you want somethin' to warm you up?
Mr. Mackey: [Startled.] Oh, I didn't know this dark alley was taken.
Hobo: [Holds out a joint.] Here, try this; it'll warm you up.
Mr. Mackey: Marijuwana's bad.
Hobo: What?
Mr. Mackey: Ma-marijuwana makes you feel depressed and low, m'kay?
Hobo: And you don't fell that way now?
Mr. Mackey: Oh, good point.
Scene Description: Mr. Mackey takes the joint and inhales it deeply, then holds his breath a bit, then relaxes.
Mr. Mackey: No, I don't feel any d-oooohh...
Scene Description: Psychedelic music plays in the background.
Mr. Mackey: Oh, baby, get down, m'kay?
Hobo: Uh-huh.
Scene Description: The alley brightens up and takes on neon hues.
Mr. Mackey: Man, this alley is cool! It's so alive and beautiful! [He drops the joint.]
Hobo: Ohh, boy.
Scene Description: Meanwhile, at the South Park Train Station.
Kyle: Come on, Ike, hurry up! [Ike babbles.] Where is the next train going?
Clerk: Lincoln, Nebraska; train leaves in five minutes.
Kyle: You wanna go to Nebraska, Ike?
Ike: No!
Kyle: I need one ticket for my little brother.
Clerk: That's a little brother? I thought it was a trash can or something. What's wrong with his head?
Kyle: Huh?
Clerk: I'm sorry, but we just can't throw Caucasian babies on an outbound train.
Kyle: But my parents are gonna cut off his ding-dong!
Clerk: What?! Why the hell would they do that?
Kyle: They've just gone crazy for a while. Please, mister, I have to hide my brother until they come to their senses.
Clerk: No can do, sonny.
Kyle: Dammit!
Scene Description: Kyle walks away with Ike to the train and spots an open door from a freight car. The departing bells sound.
Kyle: Ike, if you wanna keep your penis, you have to get on this train.
Scene Description: The train whistle blow and starts to pull away.
Kyle: Ready, Ike? Kick the baby!
Ike: Don't kick the-
Scene Description: Kyle kick him into the car.
Kyle: Goodbye, Ike! Be safe! I'll come find you in Nebraska when Mom and Dad are back to normal!
Ike: Bye-bye.
Scene Description: Some woods near the town, daytime. Mr. Mackey is dazed and confused. A Seinfeld-esque riff plays.
Mr. Mackey: Oh, man, where am I?
Teen 1: Hey, wow, it's that counselor from elementary school, Mr. Mackey.
Teen 2: Wow, dude.
Mr. Mackey: Uh, hi, boys, how are you today?
Teen 1: Pretty good, man. How are you?
Mr. Mackey: Oh, I've been better. I've been kicked out of town for doing drugs.
Teen 1: Hey! Us, too!
Teen 2: Yeah, remember? You caught us smoking weed in the bathroom and got us suspended.
Mr. Mackey: Oh. O Fortune, how you mock me?
Teen 1: Oh, cheer up, bro; all you need is some clear liquid to get your head straight.
Mr. Mackey: Uh-uh, boys, LSD is bad. Hmmm...
Scene Description: He opens the bottle and lets a drop go into his mouth. The boys watch. Mackey's voice becomes distorted.
Mr. Mackey: Man, who put all this cotton in my mouth?
Scene Description: Psychedelic music begins to play as his head inflates.
Mr. Mackey: Yeah, baby... The world is so small.
Scene Description: His head pops off his body and floats away.
Mr. Mackey: I'm free... I'm free...
Teen 2: Sweet dude, totally killer.
Teen 1: That guy's totally trippin'.
Scene Description: Mr. Mackey's head floats on, smiling.
Scene Description: Bus Stop. Kyle has met the boys there and is working on a doll.
Kyle: There, what do you think?
Cartman: What the hell is that supposed to be?
Kyle: I'm making a dummy Ike doll. My parents think he's out with me right now, and I have to bring him back for dinner.
Stan: Dude, I think you mom's gonna notice that isn't Ike.
Kyle: Not when if I say he's sick and put him to bed right away.
Scene Description: Sylvester runs up, having smelled the doll's contents.
Kyle: No, go away! Bad dog!
Stan: Dude, what did you make that doll out of?
Kyle: I used a bunch of bones from the butcher shop.
Cartman: Is that why it stinks so bad?
Scene Description: Mackey's head flies past.
Mr. Mackey: Hi, boys.
Boys: Hi, Mr. Mackey.
Mr. Mackey: Are you boys stayin' out of trouble?
Boys: Yes.
Mr. Mackey: Okay, I-I'm just gonna go over here for a while.
Scene Description: Mr. Mackey's head floats away.
Kyle: Anyways, I need you guys to help me so that my parents don't realize Ike is gone.
Scene Description: Sylvester returns, growling as he sniffs the doll.
Kyle: Knock it off, asshole!
Cartman: No way! I'm never going back to your parents' house!
Stan: Come on, dude. If it were your little brother, we'd help you.
Scene Description: Stan, Kyle, and Kenny leave.
Cartman: Eech.
Scene Description: Starts to walk, but then stops.
Cartman: Wait a minute! No, you wouldn't!
Scene Description: Train Station. The train comes to a stop. A door opens, and Ike is booted out.
Ike: Oh.
Scene Description: Ike lands on his head, then flips upright.
Ike: Oooh.
Scene Description: A couple stops by.
Woman: Oh, would you look at that, honey? Somebody dropped off a perfectly good trash can. [The couple leaves.]
Ike: Yeah. No more walbolching!
Scene Description: Ike skips away into the corn fields nearby.
Scene Description: Kyle's house. The boys return from the bus stop.
Sheila: Bubbe, where have you been? Dinner's been ready for five minutes.
Kyle: Sorry, Mom. I just had to deal with Ike. He-he's been cranky.
Scene Description: Kyle rustles the doll a bit.
Sheila: How is my little jellybean?
Kyle: [Doing Ike.] Bye-bye seeme mama. [As himself.] Ah, I'm gonna take him up to the bathroom to get washed up.
Scene Description: Sylvester has found the house, and is seen looking from behind two pine trees.
Sheila: Okay, but first let Mommy give you a kiss.
Scene Description: The boys flinch.
Kyle: No, Mom-uh, he, he doesn't want you kissing him.
Scene Description: Sheila withdraws as Sylvester leaps in and eats the doll from Kyle's hands.
Sheila: Aaaaargh! Omigod, make him stop!
Gerald: AAAGGGHH!!!
Kyle: Put him down, you stupid dog!
Sheila: My baby! Oh, God, the horror!
Scene Description: Sylvester is chewing the doll's head to pieces.
Gerald: Get out of here, you mutt! Let him go!
Scene Description: He moves to chase Sylvester away. Sylvester bites into the doll and runs off with it. The boys can only stand with jaws dropped.
Sheila: [Frantically.] Ooooohhhhhhooh-ho! Oooh, my baby! Bubbeleh mine!
Scene Description: All of them gather at the front porch. Sylvester is munching away on the doll in the middle of the street.
Sheila: Waagghh!!
Scene Description: A truck driver is sleepily driving down the road, but he does see Sylvester.
Sheila: My baby!!
Driver: Huuh?
Scene Description: Steps on the brakes, but hits the dog.
Gerald, Sheila: Aaaggghhh! Aaagh aaagghh!
Scene Description: The gas tank behind the cab cracks open like an egg, then explodes, killing the driver and Sylvester.
Sheila: [Tearful.] Oh, he's dead, he's dead! My little bubbeleh's dead!
Gerald: There, there, Shei-hla. There's nothing we can do.
Scene Description: Stan and Cartman look at Kyle, who puts his hands behind his back with a guilty expression. Cartman's mad at him.
Scene Description: Cemetery. Ike's casket is being lowered into the plot. Present at the funeral are the Marshes and the Broflovskis, Jimbo, Ned, Barbrady, a piper, and the priest, with a kippah on his head and a scarf on his shoulders.
Father Maxi: "Yea, usher us unto the Lord", sayeth some Jewish guy once. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.
Scene Description: He throws some ashes into the grave. As the piper plays Hava Nagila, everyone covers their ears. They go their separate ways.
Kyle: Hey, wait a minute. How come Ike's tombstone has the Canadian flag on it?
Scene Description: Headstone reads: "Ike Moisha Broflovski 1996-1998, Born a Canadian, died an American".
Sheila: Well, bubbe, there's something you have to know. Ike wasn't really your brother, he was adopted.
Kyle: What??
Gerald: He was not really a Broflovski, he was Canadian. But we loved him all the same. [He starts to sob]
Kyle: You mean to tell me that all this time I've been trying to protect Ike from having his fireman cut off, and he's not even my real brother?!
Sheila: What are you talking about?
Kyle: Dude, Ike isn't dead. He's in Nebraska!
Scene Description: The boys turn right and walk away.
Sheila: What-what-whaaat?!
Stan: Dude, you shouldn't have told them that. Now they're gonna find him and cut off his penis!
Cartman: Fireman!
Kyle: Ooh, who the hell cares? He's not even my responsibility.
Scene Description: Kenny falls into an open grave.
Kenny: (Hey!)
Scene Description: The spiked tombstone falls in.
Kenny: (Hey, you guys! I'm dy-)
Scene Description: The tombstone hits its mark. The grave is deep. Stan hears the impact and turns.
Stan: Oh my God, they've killed Kenny!
Kyle: [Flatly] You bastards.
Scene Description: Kyle keeps walking. The crowds reconvenes, this time for Kenny's funeral.
Father Maxi: [Removes kippah and scarf.] "Yea, let us ponder the Lord's mercy. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust."
Scene Description: The piper plays Hava Nagila again.
Scene Description: Somewhere in South Park, after the funeral. Jimbo and Ned pass Mackey on the sidewalk. Mackey's eyes are bloodshot. Jimbo and Mackey bump shoulders.
Jimbo: Get outta the way, you damn hippie!
Mr. Mackey: [Annoyed] I don't need to take you right-wing authoritative bullshit!
Jimbo: What?
Mr. Mackey: Aw, you're just like the government, man! Trying to prosecute outta one side of your mouth, m'kay, while supporting guns outta the other, m'kay?
Jimbo: Aw, why don't you go to a Grateful Dead concert? [He and Ned leave]
Mr. Mackey: I can't, man. Jerry Bear's dead, m'kay?
Blonde: He-e-ey, man, I overheard what you said; that was coool!
Mr. Mackey: What? Oh, thanks, man.
Blonde: Would you like to come over to my place and finger-paint?
Mr. Mackey: [Getting mellow.] Sure, man. Finger-paintin's cool, m'kay?
Scene Description: They walk off together. Lincoln, Nebraska, train station. The Broflovskis get off the train, Kyle first.
Sheila: Now, where did you leave him, young man?
Kyle: Aw, how the hell should I know?
Sheila: Gerald! Do something about your smart-ass son!
Gerald: Uhhh... Mind your... mother, smart-ass.
Sheila: If we don't find him, so help me, you're gonna be grounded for a month!
Scene Description: Gerald peeks into a trashcan.
Sheila: Ike, love?
Kyle: [Grousing.] All the time: "Look out for your little brother, Kyle!", "Take care of your little brother, Kyle", and he wasn't even really my little brother.
Gerald: Kyle, just because Ike is adopted doesn't make him any less your brother.
Kyle: Yeah, right.
Scene Description: Sheila puts down a bench she was looking under as a clerk approaches.
Sheila: Excuse me, we're looking for a two-year-old Canadian boy.
Clerk: Two-year-old Canadian boy, two-year-old Canadian boy... Oh, I think they might have one of those down at Haps Bar.
Sheila: [Gasps.] Come on!
Scene Description: Haps Bar. The Broflovskis enter and scan the room, Ike is being used as a base at one table. The camera pans back to him. Sheila rushes over to him and throws the table top off to get him.
Sheila: Ike!
Ike: Mamatoedoe.
Barkeep: Hey, lady, that's my table post! You can't have that!
Scene Description: Mr. Mackey and the blonde are in bed admiring the finger-painting they have done all over the room, including the ceiling.
Mackey: Wow, man. You know, it's like... You go through life thinking that you're an individual, m'kay? And then you realize that you're more than that, m'kay. We're all just one big individual, m'kay?
Blonde: Let's get married and have a honeymoon in India.
Mackey: [Gives it some thought.] M'kay.
Scene Description: Mr. Mackey removes his tie and his head deflates to a normal state.
Scene Description: Kyle's house.
Gerald: Now you march to your room, and you think about what you've done!
Sheila: But first, apologize to your brother!
Kyle: [Pointing at Ike.] He's not my brother!
Gerald: Apologize to him!
Kyle: [Angrily.] I'm sorry, Ike.
Scene Description: Kyle turns around and walks off.
Ike: Uh oh, stufid.
Scene Description: Kyle goes into his room and closes the door. Ike is saddened.
Scene Description: Somewhere in India, Mackey and the blonde are hiking. Elephants bathe in the river below them.
Blonde: Wooow, this is sooo beautiful!
Mackey: [A dove alights on his right arm.] I am one with the animals. And the trees.
Blonde: And I am one with you. [They reach for each other.]
Mr. Mackey: At long last I have found A true reason to be Now I feel I can start anew-
Scene Description: Mr. T flies onto him and pins him. Hannibal and Face come and pick him up, then all three rough him up.
Mr. Mackey: Woo, whoa! Ow! Hey!
Scene Description: They carry him away.
Mr. Mackey: Uh oh hel-m. Hey!
Blonde: [Subdued.] Whoa...
Mackey: [As Mr. T tosses him into the A-Team van.] Yeah I got, m'kay?
Scene Description: Inside the van. Jimbo is driving, with Ned sitting next to him. Mr. Mackey sits between Mr, T and Mr. Garrison.
Mr. Mackey: Uh- What the hell is going on?!
Jimbo: Tough love, Mr. Mackey. We're taking you to rehab.
Mr. Mackey: I don't want to go to rehab! I haven't even done drugs in weeks!
Principal Victoria: We were wrong for shunning you, Mr. Mackey, and we apologize. We should have realized that you needed help.
Mr. Garrison: Yeah, and now we're gonna make sure you get the help you need.
Mr. Mackey: I don't want help!
Principal Victoria: You'll thank us later.
Scene Description: They drive off into the distance. Meanwhile at Kyle's House, the big day is here. Guests are arriving.
Sheila: Hello, Tom. Hello, Patty. Thanks for coming to Ike's bris.
Ike: Uh oh.
Sheila: Look Ike, It's Uncle Murray!
Uncle Murray: Hello, Ike! Say, where's little Kyle?
Sheila: He's been sent to his room for being a bastard. He's decided that Ike isn't his brother, since he's adopted.
Scene Description: Uncle Murray moves off.
Guest: Hi there!
Sheila: Hello. Do I know you?
Guest: Uh-no, but I never miss a bris. Here, I brought some dip. [Gives it to her.]
Sheila: Ohhh, thanks.
Scene Description: Kyle's room. The boys are gathered there.
Cartman: Well, I guess the chopping is about to commence.
Scene Description: Ike enters the room with a photo album.
Ike: Oh deh family nrr.
Kyle: What do you want?!
Ike: I wumuh trecompr. Com. Tebruhnerr.
Scene Description: He opens the album, which reveals pictures of Kyle and Ike. Tender music plays. Kyle looks. The first one has Kyle holding Ike, while the second one has Ike riding on Kyle's elephant.
Kyle: Ohhh, no you don't. That isn't gonna work on me, Canadian!
Stan: Maybe you're being too hard on him, dude.
Kyle: No way! There's no real connection between us. It was all a big lie.
Scene Description: Ike pulls the album down a bit.
Ike: Cookie Monster, [flips some pages] two, three, four, five.
Scene Description: The third one: Kyle and Ike tossing a football. The fourth one: a family portrait. The fifth one: Kyle, with Ike in his walker. The sixth one: Kyle giving Ike a bath.
Kyle: Go on, Canadian! Beat it! I'm through getting in trouble for you!
Ike: [Now sporting one of Kyle's caps.] Baraterndr nfard fy. [Kyle looks. Pause.]
Scene Description: Betty Ford Clinic. Inside...
Social Worker: You have to admit you have a problem before anyone can help you.
Mr. Mackey: But I don't think I really have a problem.
Social Worker: Nonsense! You did drugs! I suppose you forgot all about your family.
Mr. Mackey: I don't really have a family.
Social Worker: And you lost your job.
Mr. Mackey: No, I lost my job before that.
Social Worker: Mr. Mackey, you're supposed to be an adult.
Scene Description: Nearby, the two teens are on a sofa watching the Teletubbies.
Social Worker: The problem with drugs is that people forget to stop doing them. There's a time and a place for everything, Mr. Mackey, and it's called college! Now, I want you to repeat after me: Drugs are bad.
Mr. Mackey: Drugs are baad.
Social Worker: Drugs are bad.
Mr. Mackey: Uhh... Dru-drugs are baad.
Scene Description: More guests arrive for Ike's bris. Ding-dong.
Sheila: Hello, Dr. Schwartz! Thank you so much for coming all this way to perform Ike's bris.
Dr. Schwartz: Oh, my pleasure, Sheila. I brought the normal cutting device, but then I remembered that Ike was Canadian, so I brought the right one.
Scene Description: The incisive hole is maple leaf-shaped.
Dr. Schwartz: Where is the little rug rat?
Sheila: Right over here.
Scene Description: She takes him over to Ike.
Dr. Schwartz: Come 'ere, you.
Ike: Oowwww!
Scene Description: Ike skips away into Kyle's room.
Ike: Oh deh faminrr.
Scene Description: Ike hops over to Kyle. They look at each other as the doctor calls.
Dr. Schwartz: Ike? Ike?
Scene Description: Ike jumps up and hugs Kyle.
Ike: Heh cohcoh mondefern menurr.
Scene Description: Ike hugs him tighter, and Kyle is moved.
Dr. Schwartz: There you are. Come on Ike, it's time.
Scene Description: Kyle recovers and gets angry.
Kyle: You stay away from my little brother!
Dr. Schwartz: [Stammers.] Bu-bu-but, son, I just-
Kyle: You aren't gonna cut off his wee wee. Not today, you sick-ass weirdo!
Sheila: [Now in the room.] Kyle, what are you talking about?
Kyle: And you! You should be ashamed of yourself! Don't you understand that us males are defined by our firemen?!
Cartman: [A bit solemnly.] Yes. The fireman is very magical. If you rub his helmet, he spits in your eye. [Stan draws a blank.]
Dr. Schwartz: Kyle... a-a circumcision is a very common thing for Ike to have. His father had it, his grandfather had it, and...
Scene Description: Dr. Schwartz points at Kyle.
Dr. Schwartsz: ...his brother had it.
Scene Description: Cartman and Stan gape.
Kyle: No! No, it isn't true!
Dr. Schwartz: We're not going to cut it off! We're just goin' to snip it, so it looks bigger.
Scene Description: Stan and Cartman wonder.
Stan: Oh, hey, that doesn't sound like a bad idea!
Cartman: Heyeah, I want to get a circumstision, too. [Kyle looks up.]
Scene Description: Betty Ford Clinic. Mr. Mackey and the social worker exit the main building.
Social Worker: Congratulations, Mr. Mackey. You are fully recovered.
Mr. Mackey: I can't thank you enough for everything, m'kay? I feel like my old self again.
Social Worker: Just one more thing.
Scene Description: She sets his tie in place, and his head inflates to its original state.
Social Worker: Remember that you can stay sober.
Mr. Mackey: I will, Ms. Social Worker. I will. [They embrace one last time.] M'kay?
Scene Description: Kyle's house. Everyone is gathered for the bris.
Kyle: It's okay, Ike. I'm here.
Dr. Schwartz: And-a one and-a two and-a... bris. [Snip.]
Ike: Ouch. Amuhbuhbuhbuh.
Scene Description: The boys faint. The adults clap. He skips over to Kyle.
Ike: Cookie Monster.
Kyle: [Gets up.] Ike, you're okay. [Cartman and Stan get up.]
Stan: Whoa, dude, I guess having a bris isn't all that bad.
Kyle: Yeah. You know, I've learned something today. Family isn't about whose blood you have, it's about who you care about.
Stan: Yeah.
Kyle: And that's why I feel like you guys are more than just friends. You're my family. [Tugs on Ike and moves away.] Except for Cartman.
Stan: [Follows.] Naturally.
Cartman: Eah, screw you guys! I don't wanna be in your penis-choppin' family anyway!
Scene Description: Monday morning, Mr. Garrison's class.
Mr. Garrison: And so now, children, your school counselor is back, to tell you firsthand about his nasty experience with drugs and alcohol.
Scene Description: Mr. Garrison makes way for Mr. Mackey.
Mr. Mackey: Okay, kids? Uh, you shouldn't do drugs, m'kay? Drugs are bad. You see, I was at the bottom of the barrel. I was a wreck; why, I didn't even care about money. I was-I was wasting my life...
Scene Description: Mr. Garrison slowly shakes his head.
Cartman: Hey, you guys wanna come to my bris tomorrow?
Stan: You can't have your bris tomorrow, Cartman, that's when I'm having mine.
Cartman: No way, I set up mine first, hippie!
Mr. Mackey: Now boys, you need to listen up, m'kay? Wha-what I'm talkin' about might save your life someday, m'kay?
Stan: [Mimicking.] Okay, Mr. Mackey, okay?
Mr. Mackey: M'kay.
Kyle: M'kay?
Mr. Mackey: M'kay.
Cartman: Okay?
Mr. Mackey: Okay.
Scene Description: The camera slowly pulls away.
Mr. Mackey: Now, as I was sayin, uh... drugs are bad. You shouldn't do drugs. Eh, uh if you do them, you're bad. Because drugs are bad, m'kay? It's a bad thing to do drugs. So-uh so don't be bad, by doing drugs, unkay? That'd be bad, 'cause drugs are bad. M'kay?


Scene Description: South Park Elementary, out front. Garrison and the class stand next to a colorful bus.
Mr. Garrison: Okay, children. Each of you gets to choose two books from the Booktastic bus.
Cartman: [To Kyle.] Reading sucks ass.
Mr. Garrison: Eric, shut up! [Eric looks up.]
Scene Description: Inside the bus. The kids mill around and start browsing.
Kyle: Boring. Boring. Gay. Boring. Boring.
Stan: [At the next stack.] Hey you guys. Check out these books. [They come over.] Sabrina Unchained.
Kyle: Wow, these books look cool!
Scene Description: Cartman smiles. They look at romance novels. Kyle takes "Seduction", Kenny takes "Bound to Love", Cartman takes "Body to Body".
Cartman: Hey, there's a lot of big words in these books.
Kenny: (There's a lot of fuckin' vaginas and penises.)
Bus Driver: [Stops by.] Hello, kids. I see you're discovering the magic of reading.
Scene Description: He is wearing a blue suit, with rainbow shirt and cape.
Kyle: Who are you?
Bus Driver: I drive the Booktastic bus, where magic begins. You see, reading opens up whole new worlds to you. You can take a canoe down the Amazon or go back in time to Camelot or become a race car driver, all by just opening a book. Just like magic. The magic of reading.
Cartman: [Irritated.] God, shut up, dude.
Bus Driver: Go ahead and pick any books you like. Then give in. Give in to the magic. [He floats away.]
Stan: [To Kyle.] If we read, are we gonna become like that guy?
Kyle: Yeah, this is stupid! Books aren't magical.
Scene Description: Kyle tosses his book away.
Cartman: I don't know, I'm kinda getting a tingly feeling looking at these.
Scene Description: A man and woman are kissing on the cover of his chosen book. Off in the distance a chicken clucks and a woman shrieks.
Kenny: (Hey, what's that?)
Stan: I don't know. Let's go see.
Scene Description: They drop their books and exit the bus. Cartman is glued to his.
Scene Description: Here's a show within a show: an episode of COPS shown in real time along with South Park.
Officer Barbrady: Well, being an officer of the peace means a lot of things. It's a hard job, but then I'm a hard man. A lot of people think that in a small town there isn't a lot for the law to do. Well, they're wrong.
Dispatcher 1: [Through intercom.] All units. All units. Report to 254 Avenue de los Mexicanos. Possible hostile situation.
Scene Description: Officer Barbrady puts his siren light up on the dashboard.
Officer Barbrady: There, you see? This could be a bank robbery. Or possibly even a murder! This ain't no Podunk little town!
Dispatcher: And, Barbrady, your wife called. She wants you to get some pizza on the way home.
Officer Barbrady: Goddammit!
Scene Description: A crowd has gathered at the site of the incident, across the street from the school. The boys are there, front and center. Officer Barbrady pulls up with the COPS film crew, and his siren light is now on the car roof.
Officer Barbrady: Okay, people, move along. There's nothing to see here. [To the rancher.] What's the trouble? Where's the body?
Rancher: Barbrady, I just caught some guy in here having sex with one of my chickens.
Scene Description: Barbrady says nothing as the crew films him for a long pause.
Officer Barbrady: Uhhhh... oh.
Scene Description: The chicken doesn't seem traumatized one bit.
Woman: My God, that's disgusting!
Stan: Whoa, dude! How do you have sex with a chicken?
Officer Barbrady: Uhh, boys, you move along. This isn't for young eyes to see. [To the rancher.] Did you get a good look at the suspect?
Rancher: Naw, I didn't see anything. It just happened so fast.
Officer Barbrady: Wellll uh, this is quite interesting, huh, guys?
Cameraman: Uhh, we're gonna go grab some lunch and maybe get some shots of those turtles down at the pond.
Scene Description: The crew leaves.
Officer Barbrady: Haw, camel poo.
Stan: Hey, what's this?
Scene Description: Stan picks up a sheet of paper.
Kyle: It looks like a note.
Officer Barbrady: Give me that! [Takes the note.] That's a clue, and you'll get your stinking DNA all over it!
Rancher: [Coming over.] What does it say?
Scene Description: The note reads: Another chicken gets it tomorrow!
Officer Barbrady: Uhh... It says, uuh, "Sorry I had sex with the chicken. I won't do it again. Bye-bye." Well, there you have it. Case closed.
Rancher: Dammit, Barbrady, what the hell's wrong with you? Every time somethin' happens in this town, you say "Nothin' to see here", and "Case closed." But we want justice. We have to find this sicko!
Officer Barbrady: I said, return to your homes before I start arresting people.
Rancher: For what? Orderly conduct?
Officer Barbrady: How about fishing without a license?
Rancher: I'm not fishin'.
Officer Barbrady: Whataya call this then?
Scene Description: He pulls a fishing rod out from somewhere.
Officer Barbrady: If you do not comply, I'll be forced to execute each and every one of you... [Pulls out his gun.] by gunshot to the head.
Scene Description: The crowd quickly disperses, the boys remain.
Officer Barbrady: That's right, return to your simple lives. [Puts his gun away] Just forget this ever happened. Forget.
Scene Description: He moves off, leaving the boys with the chicken.
Officer Barbrady: For-get.
Kyle: Wow. Barbrady sure is acting weird.
Stan: Yeah, I wonder what's wrong.
Scene Description: The patrol car. Barbrady gets in and looks at the note again. The letters become unintelligible symbols. He starts up the car and throws the note away. He stops at a stop sign, and its letters turn into Korean symbols. He drives on and ends up at Fran's.
Teller: Welcome to Fran's. Can I help you?
Scene Description: The letters in the board above the speaker are jumbled as they are, but they start whirling around, and Barbrady is speechless.
Teller: Sir, can I help you?
Scene Description: The letters A, C, K, R, and U stop whirling and start laughing at him.
Officer Barbrady: Uhhh, just give me two cheeseburgers and some jalapeño poppers.
Teller: Sure, there's just one problem.
Officer Barbrady: What's that?
Teller: We're a bank.
Scene Description: The board is back to normal.
Officer Barbrady: I know that, smarty-pants! What do you think, I'm some kinda idiot?
Teller: Yes.
Officer Barbrady: Hmmm. [Drives away.] I can't go on living this lie!
Scene Description: Channel 4 Breaking News.
Anchor: With chicken after chicken being violated, the South Park police are under increasing pressure to solve the case of the Chickenfucker. We now go live to a press conference where Officer Barbrady and the Mayor are fielding questions.
Reporter 1: Officer Barbrady, what would drive a man to such a disgusting act?
Officer Barbrady: Well, nobody can say for sure; uh, no motive has yet been established.
Reporter 2: Do the police have any leads?
Officer Barbrady: Well, both 3D computer modeling and intensive seismology have not given us any leads as of yet.
Reporter 3: But has Chickenfucker left any clues at the crime?
Officer Barbrady: All right, all right! I can't read!
Scene Description: The room falls silent and the reporter sits down.
Officer Barbrady: There, I said it! I can't read! Are you happy now? You pushed and you pushed, and now you all know my terrible secret! I'm illegitimate! I'm not fit to be a policeman! I retire!
Scene Description: He removes his badge and leaves the room.
Press Coordinator: Okay, thank you all for coming. There's uhh, coffee and brownies out front.
Anchor: And so Officer Barbrady has taken a leave of absence, and South Park would have to manage without any police force for a while-
Scene Description: A note wrapped around a brick crashes onto the anchor desk and the anchor gets the note.
Anchor: This just in! South Park is plunged into total anarchy!
Scene Description: A camera pans across the rioting.
Anchor: Exactly two seconds after the retirement of Officer Barbrady, looting and pillaging erupted in the quiet mountain town!
Scene Description: A man comes and takes away the symbol in the inset. Another man takes the 4.
Scene Description: On the street, two men use a third as a battering ram and throw him into the electronics store through the big display window. He gets up and helps the other two take the big-screen TV away. Several people have looted beer and drink as fast as they can. A red car crashes into a yellow building. Here and there people are screaming.
Looter 1: Whoopee, this is killer!
Looter 2: With no cops around, we can do whatever we want!
Scene Description: The boys are at a corner when someone runs by with a boom box. Kenny is closest to the corner.
Kyle: Whoa, dude, what's going on?
Stan: I don't know.
Scene Description: Next to Kenny, two people are trying to turn car over, and...
Stan: Oh my God, they've killed-
Scene Description: Kenny opens the door and steps out, dusting himself off.
Stan: Oh, never mind.
Scene Description: The Mayor is watching all this from her office. Automatic weapons fire is heard as a woman screams, but the street before her window is clear of any commotion.
Mayor McDaniels: I don't believe it. All this time, Barbrady actually did keep this town peaceful.
Aide 1: Who knew? I always thought he was a complete idiot.
Mayor McDaniels: He is.
Scene Description: The press breaks in and rushes the Mayor's desk. More questions, but one stands out.
Reporter 3: What do you plan to do about the South Park riots?
Mayor McDaniels: No reason for concern. I want to assure all of you that Officer Barbrady is still our active police force.
Reporter 3: But he's illiterate. What do you plan to do?
Mayor McDaniels: Uhhhhh, plan? I don't actually uh-
Aide 2: Reading classes, plain and simple. By the mayor's order, Officer Barbrady is on temporary leave of absence to learn to read, effective immediately.
Mayor McDaniels: Yes, that's right. It's back to school with Officer Barbrady!
Scene Description: Cameras snap away to South Park Elementary. There's someone new...
Mr. Garrison: Now, children, we have a new student joining us today. Please say 'hi' to Officer Barbrady.
Scene Description: Silence. Officer Barbrady dwarfs the children as he sits among them.
Stan: I can't see, dude!
Mr. Garrison: Okay now, since our focus has been on reading, let's review some of the basics.
Scene Description: Officer Barbrady raises his hand.
Mr. Garrison: E-yes, what is it?
Officer Barbrady: I need to go poopies.
Mr. Garrison: [Pause.] Officer Barbrady, in school we go to the bathroom before and after class.
Officer Barbrady: Oh, Christ. How do you kids do it?
Mr. Garrison: Now, does anyone have any suggestions where we should begin with Officer Barbrady?
Kyle: How about a brain transplant?
Scene Description: Barbrady raises his eyebrows.
Mr. Garrison: Now, Kyle, let's be supportive of our new student, give him the nurturing environment he needs to thrive. Now, I'm gonna write a sentence and I want us all to help Officer Barbrady read it.
Scene Description: Stan struggles to see what Garrison is writing: Oprah Winfrey has huge knockers.
Mr. Garrison: Give it a shot, Officer Barbrady.
Officer Barbrady: Ahhh... O... O-
Mr. Garrison: Bzzzt! Wrong! Try again, dumbass! Hahahahahahaha [Slaps his thigh.] hahahaha! [Wipes his forehead.] Okay, okay. Maybe we should try something a little easier. We can work our way up to the hard ones.
Scene Description: Mr. Garrison turns around and writes something more on the board: The hat is red.
Mr. Garrison: Go ahead, Barbrady, don't be scared.
Officer Barbrady: Ahhh... O...
Mr. Garrison: Bzzzt drrrrr! Did you hear that, Mr. Hat?
Mr. Hat: I sure did, Mr. Garrison. What a retard!
Scene Description: Mr. Garrison starts laughing uncontrollably.
Officer Barbrady: [To the children] Did you kids actually learn how to read this way?
Stan: No, we just fake it to shut him up.
Mr. Garrison: Okayheh, okay hi'm sohry. I'm sohry heh. Let's try again.
Scene Description: Chicken coop. The chickens are clucking away when the door creaks open. A silhouette appear.
Intruder: So, what are nice chickens like you doing in a coop like this?
Scene Description: He grabs a chicken and...Cut to South Park Elementary, back in class.
Mr. Garrison: Now, children, I hope you all had a good time reading your books and are prepared for your book reports.
Scene Description: Cartman squirms in his seat and whispers.
Mr. Garrison: Who should we have go first, Mr. Hat? Let's see...
Cartman: [In falsetto.] Oh, how about Stan? Or Kyle?
Mr. Garrison: Eric, why don't you go first?
Cartman: Oooaaagh.
Mr. Garrison: What's the matter, Eric? Are you not prepared again?
Cartman: I'm prepared!
Scene Description: Cartman gets up and walks to the chalkboard, then faces the class.
Cartman: For my book report, I read The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe. It was very, very good. Have you read it, Mr. Garrison?
Mr. Garrison: No, I can't say that I have.
Cartman: Oh, good. In The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe, a bunch of uh, hippies, walk around and paint stuff. They eat lunch, and then they find a magical... camel... which they have to eat to stay alive. And that's pretty much it; I give it a B-minus.
Mr. Garrison: And I give you an F, Eric. Now sit down!
Cartman: God-dammit!
Scene Description: The kids start laughing at him.
Officer Barbrady: Haa haa. Ha ha ha.
Mr. Garrison: Okay, Officer Barbrady, why don't you give us your book report?
Scene Description: Officer Barbrady rises and goes to the board then faces the class.
Officer Barbrady: I've just finished reading the heartwarming novel, Go, Dog. Go!. I found it a compelling and disturbing look at the canine psyche. If I may read a passage: "Big... dog..., little... dog. [Turns the page.] A red dog... on a..." Well, anyway, I'm not one to give away the ending, but I will say that it spirals toward an incredible twist-turn that parallels my own life.
Mr. Garrison: Thank you, Officer Barbrady. That was a very good book report indeed. I'll give you an A.
Officer Barbrady: Hooray!
Cartman: [Miffed.] Goody two-shoes.
Scene Description: The Playground. The camera pans across the playground. It passes the kid with the aviator cap holding a Blue Mega Man, Bebe and Clyde on the hobby elephants, the boys passing a ball among themselves, and stops at the swings. Barbrady swings between Kenny and Red.
Officer Barbrady: Swingset, swingset, up and down I go "Whoosh!" goes the willy-wind, flowing through my toes
Scene Description: Kyle looks looks back at Barbrady.
Stan: Dude, I think Barbrady enjoys being in school a little too much.
Kyle: Yeah, isn't he just supposed to be learning how to read?
Officer Barbrady: Swingset, swingset, up and down I go...
Scene Description: Mayor McDaniels walks up with her aides.
Mayor McDaniels: Officer Barbrady, what are you doing?!
Scene Description: He quickly gets off the swing, but in so doing he stresses the set and launches Kenny...
Kenny: (Daaarrrggghh-)
Scene Description: Kenny flies into the brick wall at the other end of the yard.
Kenny: (-ooggghhh...)
Stan: Oh, my God! They've killed-
Kenny: (Hey.)
Stan: Oh, never mind. [Smiles.]
Mayor McDaniels: Well, how's the reading coming along?
Officer Barbrady: [Wringing his hands.] Oooh, pretty good.
Mayor McDaniels: Barbrady, we really need you to speed this up. The Chickenfucker struck again last night.
Kyle: Oh no!.
Officer Barbrady: Ah, Mayor, please, when we're around children we prefer to call him the Chickenlover.
Aide 2: This time he made love to Carla Weathers' prize chicken. She's catatonic.
Officer Barbrady: Who? Carla Weathers or the chicken?
Mayor McDaniels: The perpetrator left this clue at the crime scene.
Scene Description: She hands it to Barbrady, who looks it over.
Officer Barbrady: Oh, I can't read this. It has silent e's.
Mayor McDaniels: [Throttling him.] You have to learn to read faster, Barbrady!
Officer Barbrady: I'm doing the best I can. I even got a A on my book report.
Mayor McDaniels: Listen, buddy! Either you learn to read quick, or else I'm gonna find a law officer to replace you forever!
Scene Description: She leaves with her aides. Aide 1 takes the ball from the boys and pops it.
Aide 2: Hey, what'd you do that for?
Aide 1: Uh, just dramatic effect, sorry. [They leave.]
Officer Barbrady: Oh boy, I'm in big trouble.
Scene Description: The boys surround him.
Officer Barbrady: I'll never learn to read fast enough, and the town is in chaos.
Stan: It's cool, dude. We'll help you.
Officer Barbrady: Hey, that's right. You can help me. Under article 39, section 2 of police code, I'm allowed to deputize citizens in a time of crisis.
Cartman: Really? I wanna be a cop.
Officer Barbrady: You boys will be my deputies; you can help me restore order, catch the Chickenlover, and swing me on the swingset.
Scene Description: This last idea he likes a lot.
Cartman: Do I get a nightstick?
Officer Barbrady: Sure, nightsticks for everybody!
Scene Description: He hands his night stick to Cartman, who smiles.
Officer Barbrady: You keep a tab on crime in the city, and we'll try to solve the Chickenlover case.
Cartman: 10-4, sergeant! [Walks off.]
Officer Barbrady: Now, what did that clue say again?
Stan: "If you want to know where I'll strike next, read Bumbly Wumbly and the Spotted Spacecraft".
Officer Barbrady: To the Booktastic bus, deputies! We haven't a moment to spare!
Stan, Kyle, Kenny: Hooray!
Scene Description: Booktastic bus. Barbrady and his new deputies enter.
Bus Driver: Good day, friends. Welcome to the magical world of reading.
Officer Barbrady: We need a copy of Bumbly Wumbly and the Spotted Spacecraft right away!
Bus Driver: Oohhh, that's a very magical book, full of wondrous-
Officer Barbrady: Aw, just give us the damn book, fruitcake!
Scene Description: The bus driver retrieves the book and hands it to Barbrady. He opens it.
Kyle: What's it say?
Officer Barbrady: It says, "Mmmuh mmmuuh..." Uh, what's this word? [Points out to Stan.]
Stan: I.
Officer Barbrady: Oh, yeah. "I... mmuh mmuh-"
Kyle: Here, give me that. [Takes the book.] "I am Bumbly Wumbly. I live in the pond."
Stan: A pond? Hey, maybe that means Stark's Pond.
Officer Barbrady: That's quick thinking, deputy. Let's get to Stark's Pond immediately!
Scene Description: Downtown South Park. The streets are desolate, and only the sound of squeaking pedals. Suddenly, Eric pops over a low hill on his Big Wheel tricycle and goes down Main Street. The bike has been souped up with a motorcycle windshield and signal lights. He's wearing aviator sunglasses. A car passes by him.
Cartman: Ey!
Scene Description: Cartman activates his siren, the driver sees him in the rear view mirror and pulls over. He gets off his trike, comes to the door, and taps the driver-side window with the night stick. The driver turns and lowers the window: it's Stan's father, Randy Marsh.
Randy: Uhh, yes, Officer?
Cartman: I clocked you at 40 miles an hour back there. Do you know what the speed limit is heawh?
Randy: Well, according to that sign right there, it's 40 miles an hour.
Cartman: Step out of the car, please, sir.
Randy: Wait a second. Aren't you Stan's little friend?
Cartman: [Slower.] Sir, step out of the car, please.
Randy: [Steps out.] Yeah. You're the one who always plugs up the toilet at our house.
Cartman: Ey! I am a cop, and you will respect my authoritah!
Randy: Yeah, right. You'd better get back to school, little boy.
Scene Description: Cartman swings his nightstick at Randy's shins and connects.
Randy: Ow!
Cartman: Get your ass to jail!
Scene Description: He continues to swat him on the legs with the baton.
Randy: Ow! Hey, what the hell are you doing? You can't do that! Ah-ow! Ah-ow! Ow!
Cartman: [Getting carried away.] Sweet.
Randy: Ooww!
Scene Description: Stark's Pond. A crowd is gathered at the crime scene. The chicken is fluttering about. Barbrady arrives with Stan and Kyle.
Officer Barbrady: Oh, weak, dude! We're too late!
Stan: Well, the chickens don't seem to really mind.
Father Maxi: Well, this is terrible! Now, who would have sex with a chicken?
Halfy: [Mischievously.] I would. [Everyone looks at him.]
Mr. Garrison: Aw, you couldn't screw anything, Halfy. You don't have any legs!
Halfy: Oh... yeah. [He moves away on his fists.]
Father Maxi: Have some respect for people's feelings, would you, Halfy?!
Officer Barbrady: Come on, dudes. We need to look for another clue.
Scene Description: Kyle finds it and holds it up high in the air.
Kyle: Here! Here, I found one!
Stan: What's it say? What's it say?
Kyle: It says, "Read Teetle the Timid Ta- Taa- The Taxi-" What's this word?
Stan: I dunno.
Officer Barbrady: [Taking the note.] "Ta... ta... Taaguh- Taxi-dermist." [Everybody cheers.] I read it! I read it all by myself! [Grins.]
Halfy: [Doing flips.] Hooray, yeah! Whoo!
Scene Description: South Park at night. Cartman is doing a segment for COPS.
Dispatcher 2: Five George is en route to 496 Broad Wasteland...
Cartman: Yeah, I've been working this beat for about three days now. You definitely have to have pretty thick skin or else these people, they just walk all over you. [The camera checks out traffic.] Sometimes you have to go undercover to get the worst of them.
Scene Description: Cartman is working a street, dressed in a hot-pink dress and fishnets. A car stops.
Driver: [Winking.] Hi there, little lady.
Cartman: Well, hi there.
Scene Description: Cartman lowers his shades and bats his eyelids.
Cartman: Uh, wha-what are you doing tonight?
Driver: Well, hopefully spending some time with you, gorgeous. Is $20 enough?
Cartman: Sir, step out of the car, please.
Driver: [Stammers.] What? Oh-oh-uh, is this a bust?
Cartman: [Displays his badge.] Sir, step out of the car.
Driver: [Stepping out.] Hey, wait a minute. You're just a kid!
Cartman: [Pulls out his baton.] Maybe this'll teach you to listen to authoritah.
Scene Description: Cartman starts beating him on the shins.
Driver: Ow! Oo-uhow! Ow! Hey, man, what are you doing?! Ow, stop it!
Cartman: [Exhales.] Yeah... Sometimes upholding the law is messy. But you get by. One day at a time.
Scene Description: Outside South Park Library. Three people walk by with looted stuff.
Looter 3: I got a TV.
Looter 4: Shh. Come on!
Scene Description: Inside, the camera zooms in on Barbrady.
Officer Barbrady: [Reading from the book.] "Tee-tle the timid taxidermist... loves..to..." Oh, goddamn, reading is lame!
Scene Description: Stan and Kyle arrive.
Kyle: How's it goin', dude?
Officer Barbrady: Terrible! I give up! I'm not fit to be a cop! Booohoohoohoohoo, booohoohoohoohoo.
Stan: Come on, dude, it's not that hard!
Officer Barbrady: It is, too!
Kyle: Just read the sentence.
Officer Barbrady: "Teetle the timid taxidermist loves to go to the pet-pet-"
Kyle: Come on, dumbass, you can do it!
Officer Barbrady: "Pet-" Wait a minute. [Recalls Garrison.]
Mr. Garrison: Conjugate the verb. Conjugate the verb.
Mr. Hat: Yes, conjugate the verb.
Officer Barbrady: Pet-ting. Petting zoo. He loved to go to the petting zoo! Boys, we're off!
Scene Description: Downtown. In another segment of Cartman's for COPS...
Dispatcher 3: All units, all units. Five-twelve at 635 Avenue de los Mexicanos; request assistance.
Scene Description: The siren goes on. Cut to Kenny's house. Cartman arrives and jumps off the bike, makes his way to the front door, and knocks. Stuart opens the door.
Cartman: Sir, could you step out of the car, please?
Stuart: We're fine, officer. [Sips his beer.]
Cartman: And-uhh who's, who's in here with you?
Stuart: Just me and my wife and my brother. And my wife's cousin and his son and my brother's girlfriend and our two kids-
Scene Description: Kenny and Kevin come to view.
Kenny: (Hi, Cartman.)
Stuart: -and my brother's girlfriend's mother, and this guy Bob, who I met last year.
Cartman: [To the camera.] Poor people tend to live in clusters.
Stuart: [Takes a swig of beer.] What-What did you say?
Cartman: Nothing. Now, sir, is there some kind of a...
Carol: I want him out of my house! He ain't worth a shit! He can't even hold a fuckin' job!
Stuart: Shut up, bitch!
Cartman: Okay, okay, let's try to watch the language; there's children present heuh.
Carol: You lazy-ass motherfucker!
Stuart: Look what she did to my fuckin' eye.
Carol: I'll do it again!
Scene Description: She kicks him in the ass and continues hitting him. Kenny just laughs at the sight.
Kevin: Mom hit Dad again!
Scene Description: Both then continue laughing at them.
Cartman: Now, the first thing to do in domestic disturbance calls like this one is to just calm everybody down. Respect my authoritah!
Scene Description: He jumps up and knocks Carol down, then Stuart. He then concentrates on Stuart. Kenny and Kevin keep laughing.
Stuart: Aagh!
Dispatcher 1: All units. All units. We have a 5-20 on the suspect. Report to the South Park petting zoo immediately!
Cartman: [Stops, gasps.] Chickenlover!
Scene Description: The petting zoo. The school kids mill among the animals.
Officer Barbrady: Keep your eyes peeled, boys. Somebody's gonna make love to this chicken any minute.
Scene Description: The chicken blushes.
Stan: Maybe we were wrong about the clue.
Kyle: Yeah, maybe you read it wrong.
Officer Barbrady: Oh, no!
Scene Description: Rustling is heard.
Officer Barbrady: Shhh!
Scene Description: They turn around. A hand reaches down and plucks the bird away.
Officer Barbrady: Keep your eyes peeled.
Scene Description: They turn around.
Stan: Look!
Scene Description: Feathers are flying out from behind a bush as the bush moves around.
Kyle: He's here!
Officer Barbrady: Grab him!
Scene Description: All three rush the bush, meanwhile in Downtown South Park, Cartman is racing towards the zoo.
Cartman: Dammit! Can't this thing go any faster?!
Scene Description: Reaches for a doughnut and bites into it.
Scene Description: The petting zoo. Barbrady is wrestling the Chickenlover as Kenny arrives. Barbrady finally gets his man. It seems to be the Booktastic bus driver, and he pulls out a pistol. As Barbrady takes it from him, it fires and hits Kenny.
Stan: [Gasps.] Oh my God, they've killed-
Kenny: [Gets up.] (Oh, it was only my jacket.)
Stan: Goddammit!
Officer Barbrady: I knew it was you all along, Richard Nixon!
Stan: Aw, I think that's a mask, dude.
Officer Barbrady: Oh.
Kyle: Whoa, dude! It's the bookmobile driver!
Officer Barbrady: Caught you red-handed!
Bus Driver: Indeed, you did. How did you know I would strike here?
Officer Barbrady: By reading Teetle the Timid Taxidermist.
Bus Driver: You did?! Really?! Then it worked! My whole plan worked absolutely perfectly! [Pleased.]
Stan: What are you talking about, dude?!
Bus Driver: When I heard that Officer Barbrady couldn't read, I knew I had to motivate him somehow. So I formulated a plan to encourage him to learn the magic of reading!
Kyle: So you fucked a bunch of chickens?
Bus Driver: Yes! Yes, exactly! Don't you see? Only by fucking chickens could I get Officer Barbrady to become literate.
Stan: That doesn't... make a whole..lot of sense, dude.
Bus Driver: Oh, no? He who was blind can now see!
Scene Description: No reaction from the kids.
Bus Driver: I got Officer Brabrady to read. My plan worked perfectly.
Officer Barbrady: Well, I guess I should say "Thanks?"
Bus Driver: You're welcome. And now, my reading friend, you've proven that you are ready for the big time. I give you this hardback copy of Atlas Shrugged, by Ayn Rand.
Cartman: [Rushing up.] Freeze! Put your hands in the air!
Kyle: Cartman!
Cartman: I got reports that the suspect is in this area!
Kyle: Well, he is. It turns out that the bookmobile driver here was the one making love to chickens.
Cartman: A-ha!
Scene Description: Cartman hits him with the baton.
Bus Driver: Ow, that hurts!
Kyle: Whoa, dude!
Stan: Cartman!
Scene Description: Officer Barbrady picks Cartman up and takes the baton from him.
Officer Barbrady: No, no, that's not how you uphold the law! [He puts him down.]
Cartman: Well, he is not listening to my authoritah!
Barbrady: Oohhh, ohh, you've got it all wrong, my little friend. You do it like this: [Paf.]
Bus Driver: [Going down, squealing.] Heee-!
Barbrady: You've gotta get 'em in the head; they go down quicker.
Scene Description: Cartman looks at the driver and removes his shades.
Cartman: Ooohhhh.
Kyle: I guess you should leave police work to the professionals, huh, Cartman?
Barbrady: Well anyway, I'm relieving you of your duties. I've proved that I can read, and now I'm back on the job!
Scene Description: He spins the cylinder on his pistol.
Stan/Kyle: Hooray!
Scene Description: Cartman watches as Barbrady leaves the petting zoo, Stan calls out to Barbrady.
Stan: Hey! So what are you going to do now?
Barbrady: Now? [Turns around.] Well, I-ee uh... I think I'll get in the bathtub, and then curl up with a good book.
Scene Description: He displays the book for a moment, then holds up his right thumb for the camera to see. The end credits begin to roll, but only the executive producer is listed. The boys watch for a moment more, then walk off to the right. The chicken just walks around pecking at the straw. A bunny hops across the yard and Bebe chases after it.
Scene Description: Newscast.
Anchor: And so today South Park held a parade to honor Officer Barbrady and his heroic work on the Chickenfucker case.
Scene Description: Tape is shown of the parade. Confetti is flying everywhere. The South Park High School band is marching before Barbrady's car. He is in the car with Stan, Kyle, and Cartman.
Officer Barbrady: Thank you, everybody. Thank you.
Man 1: Speech! Speech!
Officer Barbrady: [Lowers his arms.] What?
Stan: They want you to give a speech, Officer Barbrady; about the whole experience over the last couple of days.
Officer Barbrady: Oh. Okay, uh... Well, first of all I'd like to thank the town of South Park, the town that bore me and eventually will rob me of my life precious.
Scene Description: The town cheers.
Man 2: Oh, yeah!
Officer Barbrady: Second, I'd like to say to all those out there who think they can screw chickens just to teach people to read, your days are numbered! [More cheering.] And finally, I'd like to say that [Enunciating.] reading totally sucks ass!
Stan/Kyle: Hooray!
Officer Barbrady: Yes, at first, I was happy to be learning how to read. It seemed exciting and magical. But then I read this: Atlas Shrugged, by Ayn Rand. I read every last word of this garbage, and because of this piece of sh-shit, I'm never reading again!
Stan, Kyle: Hooray for Barbrady!
Scene Description: The crowd cheers again.
Kyle: Wow! I guess reading really does suck ass!
Cartman: Ey, that's what I've been saying all along, you guys.
Stan: I'm just glad everything turned out okay, and Barbrady got his job back.
Kyle: It's poetic justice.
Officer Barbrady: [Leaning forward.] Thanks, boys.
Scene Description: The end credits roll again, this time normally. When the producer is listed, Kenny is shown in a clear area behind the crowd. A tree falls, flattening him.
Kenny: (Ow!)
Scene Description: Blood oozes from under the tree. End credits continue, showing more scenes from the parade.