Scene Description: South Park, woods, night. Six boys look at a tree stump surrounded by litter. They are Jimmy, Token, Craig, Clyde, Kyle, and Cartman. Kyle is carrying a black trash bag. On the stump is a marijuana joint and some paper.
Kyle: [thrusts the bag at Clyde] Throw it away, Clyde!
Clyde: I'm not gonna touch it. You throw it away.
Stan: [arriving] What's going on?
Kyle: [points at the joint] Some high schoolers left their marijuana cigarette behind. Uh we have to throw it away before some kids find it or something.
Stan: So throw it away.
Clyde: Nobody wants to touch it.
Kyle: What if the residue gets on our hands and it leads to harder drugs like those commercials say?
Craig: Yeah, didn't you see that commercial where it says that if you have pot you could become a terrorist?
Clyde: And the commercial where the two kids have pot and the one kids shoots the other. Harmless?
Stan: You guys, those commercials are just exaggerations.
Token: How do you know? None of us had ever had any drugs before.
Jimmy: Well, I did Ecstasy once. [the other boys look at him] Me and my girlfriend took it and we stayed up all night having... sex. [the other boys just stare]
Kyle: ...Where did you have sex with her?
Jimmy: In her... va-vagina. [smiles, but the other boys remain silent] Thank you, thank you. What a terrific audience.
Stan: [annoyed at his friends' skittishness] It's just a stupid plant that makes you dumb. Touching it won't hurt you.
Cartman: [takes the bag from Kyle and offers it to Stan] Then you throw it away, smartass. [Stan walked into that one]
Stan: Fine, I will. [takes the bag and walks over to the stump, faces the boys, and tosses the joint into the bag] There, see? I touched marijuana. I'm not a terrorist, I didn't shoot anybody, and I don't feel like doing more drugs now. No big deal.
Scene Description: South Park, night. To the sound of dramatic music, lightning relentlessly flashes all over town. Stan's house is shown as lightning strikes it. In the living room Stan watches "The Osbournes" with his grandfather. Ozzy is shown in his living room talking to his kids.
Ozzy: You kids fucking don't fuck around with your fucking mom!
Jack: Dad, we fucking can't! It's a big flick a fuck!
Sharon: [enters scolding] Stan, what did I tell you about watching The Osbournes?
Stan: Aw, come on, Mom.
Sharon: It's going to make you retarded! [starts flipping channels, then settles on a news report, then walks away]
Stan: It's just a show! It doesn't have any fucking effect on me, for fuck's sake!
Grandpa Marvin: Oh goody. Now we can watch the news.
Tom: In other news, South Park police are still looking for a craaazy man who terrorized the town one hour ago. [a silhouette of a man running is behind the words "CRAZY MAN" and a question mark is on the silhouette] The man claimed to be from the future and ran naked through the city streets screaming "The past! The past! Oh my God, it's the past!" Which is what one would expect someone from the future to yell. [a knock is heard on the front door, Sharon goes to answer it. Before her stands a disheveled man with long brown hair and stubbly beard. He's wrapped in a large towel and wears a blue cap with red piping and puff, like Stan does]
Naked Man: [slurring his voice] Oh my God, it's the past! [looks at Sharon] Oh, whoa man, it's you!
Sharon: Who are you?
Naked Man: It's me, Mom, your son Stan. [Sharon looks shocked, and the camera zooms in on that. Behind her, still watching TV, are Stan and Marvin. Stan looks over]
Randy: [joining Sharon at the door] Who is it, Sharon?
Naked Man: Dad!
Randy: Dad?? Look! We don't know you and you don't know us! Just go away before we call the police!
Stan: [rises from the sofa and walks over] Who the fuck is it, Mom and Dad?
Naked Man: No way, it's me from the past! [looks quite relieved]
Stan: I'm me from the past?
Future Stan: [genuflects to Stan, who leans back a bit] No, I'm you from the future! [rises, and Randy helps him up] Oh man, this is so messed up.
Randy: [pushing the man out the door] Okay, we've had enough!
Future Stan: Your name's Randy Marsh, you're a geologist, and you don't like chicken. Mom, your maiden name is Kimble and you have a scar on your left knee from when you slipped in the swimming pool.
Sharon: [in hushed tones] Randy, what's going on?
Randy: [in hushed tones] I don't know.
Future Stan: Dude, just let me talk to you for like, five minutes. After that I'll bail.
Scene Description: The Marsh dining room. The naked man is now dressed in street clothes and seated at the head of the table. He's enjoying a beer and regular cigarette. The others look dazed and confused at the man as he recounts his memories.
Future Stan: I can still remember when I was five and you both found that squirrel I'd been keeping in the closet and, you let me keep it for another week and then it ran away but... I know that's just what you told me. I know that Mom had actually let it out.
Randy: How could he possibly know all that unless... he is our son from the future.
Sharon: But why are you back in this time with us, son?
Future Stan: I have no idea, man. I was just about to go asleep in an alley behind the crackhouse, [Stan is aghast at what he would become] and I shot up a little heroin, and then this electrical storm started. Next thing I knew I was running around in my own past, man. I thought... I was just tripping, but then I came down and I was still here. Oh, dude, it's so bizarre!
Stan: Oh dude, I should have never touched that marijuana!
Randy: [laying hands on the man's shoulder] Stan, whatever's happened, we going to help you.
Sharon: [reaching out] That's right. We're a family no matter what time shift.
Future Stan: Thanks. Can I get another beer?
Sharon: You must be exhausted. Why don't you get some sleep?
Future Stan: That'd be killer. Where can I crash?
Sharon: Well I'm sure Stan wouldn't mind sharing his room, would you, Stan?
Stan: What?? I have to share my room with my future self?? Oh no! [squeezes his eyes shut and buries them in his right hand]
Singer: Here we are, face to face, "My Future Self -n- Me" [Stan and Future Stan stroll down a road. Future Stan has a beer]
Stan: [right at the camera] Stop it.
Singer: So much alike, and yet so different
Stan: [Stan's future self joins him in bed after freshening up in the bathroom] No.
Singer: One of them's messy, the other one's clean! [Stan's future self turns off the light while Stan looks pissed off] Gettin' along isn't always easy, sometimes we disagree [Stan's future self brushes his teeth as Stan stands next to him, avoiding him. Future Stan spits his frothy toothpaste into the sink]
Stan: Quit it.
Singer: But in the end we know we're good for each other [both Stans eat cereal, but the future Stan has trouble pouring milk into his bowl. It splashes out of the bowl along with some cereal. Stan just buries his face in his hands in frustration] Two peas in a pod, Future Self -n- MeFuture Self -n- Me, Future Self -n- [Now they have separate beds. Stan turns the light off and tries to sleep. Future Stan reaches over to turn it on. Stan moves to turn it off, and they fight over the switch until one of them sleeps] Me
Scene Description: Bus stop, next day. Stan arrives with future Stan.
Stan: Hey guys.
Kyle, Cartman: Hey.
Future Stan: Whoa, Kyle and Cartman! It's so cool to see you guys.
Cartman: Who's this asshole?
Stan: This is my future self. He came during the electrical storm last night and is caught in a time matrix. He's me when I'm 32.
Kyle: Wow. That's pretty cool.
Cartman: Then how does he know our names?
Kyle: 'Cause, r-tard, he's Stan from the future. He knows everything Stan knows.
Cartman: Ohhh. Wait. Stan becomes this douchebag?
Future Stan: Yeah, I spent a lot of my teenage years on a slow downward spiral experimenting with drugs and alcohol. [Cartman has a hearty laugh]
Stan: Shut up, Cartman!
Cartman: That is so awesome!! Thank you God! [bows deeply] Oh praise God!
Kyle: Hey, what happens to me in the future?
Future Stan: Oh, I don't know. You guys stayed away from drugs, so you're okay. I just lost touch with you after I was sent to Juvi Hall in 2006.
Cartman: [pats Stan on the back] Juvi Hall! [laughs heartily, then gloats] Stan's a loser! Stan's a loser! [laughs heartily]
Stan: [under his breath] God-damnit!
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, after school, Garrison's classroom. Stan and Butters are seated next to each other, and there are no other kids around.
Stan: Thanks for staying after school and tutoring me, Butters.
Butters: Uh well, sure thing, Stan. Eh, how come you care about schoolwork all of a sudden?
Stan: I told you, I can't stand my future self. I have to do whatever I can to not become a loser like him.
Butters: Well, studying is the golden key to the imposing door of success.
Stan: I just can't stand having my future self around all the time! It's driving me crazy! [gets off his seat and starts pacing the floor] Maybe if I get smarter I won't become him and I won't have to share my room!
Butters: I know what you mean. I hate having my future self around, too.
Stan: Yeah, it's like everything I do, he... [stops and then looks at Butters] Wait a minute, what'd you say?
Butters: I said, I know how you feel. My life has gone completely downhill ever since my future self moved in. I hate him! All he ever wants to do is watch Becker. And that show is so stupid. [Stan is surprised by this account]
Stan: [after a moment] Dude, how long has your future self been around?
Butters: Oh. I guess it's been about four months now.
Stan: Four months?? And you never told anybody that you were living with yourself from the future??
Butters: Nobody asked.
Stan: Where is he now?
Butters: Probably watching Becker.
Scene Description: Butters' house, afternoon. A future Butters is watching TV and eating chips at the sofa.
Becker: My name is T. Becker. The T stand for Terrific. [laughs. Future Butters finds this quite funny. Stan and Butters enter the house to meet future Butters.]
Butters: See, here he is. Future Butters. Future self, this is my good friend,-
Future Butters: Stan! Sure I remember you. Yep. Wearing that puff-ball hat like always.
Linda: [walks in with a plate holding a glass of water and a bottle] Oh, hello boys. Future Butters, it's time to take your liver medicine.
Stan: Liver medicine?
Butters: Yeah. My future self has a bad kidney from all the drinkin' he did in high school. [an air of determination appears] I need to learn to behave myself! [Stan crosses his arms and gets mad, then bolts for the door] Hey! Where are you going, Stan? [follows Stan out.]
Scene Description: Stan's house, moments later. Stan rushes into his room with Butters in tow.
Stan: Alright, where is that son-of-a-bitch's wallet?!
Butters: Wha-, what are you lookin' for, huh Stan?
Stan: Butters, don't you think it's a little bit of a coincidence that both your future self and my future self got caught in a mexterdexed time plane? [starts rifling through future Stan's clothes]
Butters: Well we both got the same teacher for homeroom, too, but you didn't say anything then.
Stan: Here it is. [pulls out a wallet and reads the license. It's from the future, with LOSER printed in large letters on it and an expiration date of 10-19-2043] It has to be something eh... Wait, what's this? [pulls out a Motivation Corp. key card, expiring on 12/26/02] This expires in two thousand two. Why would he have this in his wallet?
Butters: I don't follow.
Stan: [flips the card over to see the info on the other side] Three four five one Colfax Avenue. Come on, Butters. [heads out the door.]
Butters: [excitedly] Oh! Are we out for an adventure? [follows Stan out]
Scene Description: Denver, night. A bus drives up to a curb on the seedy street, then takes off. Stan and Butters walk down the street.
Stan: Here it is. Motivation Corp. [the camera pans up to show the name of the building. Stan puts the card into the reader next to the door. The door opens and Stan heads in.]
Butters: [turns away. Stan stops right at the entrance] I don't think we're supposed to go in there, Stan. Maybe we should go adventurin' somewhere else.
Stan: [walks up to Butters] Butters, part of being on an adventure is you go places you're not supposed to go. [heads in]
Butters: Oh. Well, you're good at adventurin', huh Stan? [follows Stan in and closes the door.]
Scene Description: Motivation Corp., interior. Stan and Butters look down a long hallway. Stan notices a window and looks in. Several workers are at their computers matching kids up with actors who are to portray their futures selves.
Stan: What the hell is going on here?
A Voice: It should take about a month to achieve the results you want. [Stan hears the voice and pulls Butters behind some bushes underneath the window. Stan peeks out over the bushes. The director appears with a couple ] Well, Mr. and Mrs. Brooks, I think you're going to be very pleased with the results.
Mr. Brooks: We sure hope so. We just don't know how to talk to our son about drugs.
Director: Well now you won't have to! Ah, here he is. This is Josh Casher. He'll be playing the role of your future son.
Josh: Nice to meet you, "Mom and Dad." [they all laugh heartily]
Mrs. Brooks: My goodness, he does look a little like Kevin.
Director: Yes, and he knows all your family history and every detail of your house. And he's worked up quite a future for your son.
Josh: I'm going to tell him that I dropped out of school and went to prison for eight years, where I was sodomized. In the ass.
Mrs. Brooks: Woohoo, that should get Kevin to stay clear of drugs.
Mr. Brooks: Heh it sure should, heh.
Director: Alright, so we'll put the fake news report out on Tuesday night. Make sure your son is watching the Channel 4 News.
Mr. Brooks: Oh, and that's when uh you'll fake the electrical storm as well?
Director: Motivation Corp. takes care of everything. [hands out some stapled sheets of paper] Just follow these simple scripts when your actor arrives.
Mrs. Brooks: [reads from her script] "Listen to me, you crazy person, there's no way you can be from the future." Oh this is going to be fun.
Scene Description: Motivation Corp., interior. Stan hurries out of there with Butters close behind.
Stan: I can't believe it! It's all a scam!
Butters: Yeah, I can't believe it!
Stan: They've all been lying to us this whole time!
Butters: This whole time! I wonder if my future self knows anything about this? [thinks about this a minute. Stan lowers his eyelids to half-closed as he realizes Butters is still clueless] Hey, maybe my future self remembers this happening, a-and can shed some light on this subject.
Stan: [closes his eyes a bit, then] Butters, don't you get it?! Those assholes aren't our future selves! Our parents hired them to make us more motivated!
Butters: Eh, but then why did they come back to the past.
Stan: They didn't come back to the past, you dumbass, they're actors!
Butters: Oh... Oohhhh. [Stan rolls his eyes] But that's like they're lyin'.
Stan: It is lying, Butters. Your parents lied to you and my parents lied to me! Get it!
Butters: Ohhh, that makes me angry! Why, if Professor Chaos were here he'd make everyone pay!
Stan: Who's that?
Butters: You know, Professor Chaos, bringer of destruction and disorder!
Stan: What?
Butters: Follow me back home, Stan. It's time I let you in on a horrible s-secret! [heads off. This time, Stan follows]
Scene Description: Butters' house, later. An upper light is on. Butters leads Stan into his bedroom.
Butters: Wait right here, Stan. I warn you: you may not like what you're about to see. [slides his closet door open, steps inside the closet, and slides the door shut]
Stan: We have to teach our parents a lesson! Show them they can't just play with our emotions like that!
Butters: [jumps out of the closet and cackles] Now you know my terrible secret!
Stan: ...You're gay? [Butters loses his moment] It's fine if you're gay, Butters. I don't care.
Butters: Huh? Naw, I'm Professor Chaos, Stan.
Stan: But we have to teach our parents a lesson, Butters! We're running away! Help me find the perfect place to run away to! [walks off]
Butters: [walks downtrodden to the mirror and looks at himself] Mm. Uhm, maybe I used a little too much silver.
Scene Description: Stan's room, next day. Stan and Butters are on the floor. Butters is reading the newspaper as Stan watches on.
Butters: How about this? Winter Park. It looks kinda nice.
Stan: No, we gotta run away somewhere warm.
Butters: Wow, look at this, Stan. [reads from the paper] "Are you sick of your parents? Do you want revenge for something they've done to you? Call the Parental Revenge Center of Western America for a free con-sul-ta-tion. Results guaranteed."
Stan: [heading for the phone] Dude, I didn't know there was such a thing. [picks up the phone receiver and starts punching in the numbers]
Butters: Hey look, somebody lost their cat.
Stan: Uh, hi, is this the Parental Revenge Center of Western America? [listens for the answer] Ah I'm really pissed off at my parents and I wanna impose swift and horrible revenge upon them?
Butters: Look, you can make your wiener bigger in just three weeks.
Stan: [still on the phone] Oh really? Oh, okay, uh where are you located, please? [listens and writes down the address] Great, uumm, can I come by tomorrow?
Butters: This lady'll massage your wiener for ninety-five dollars. Well that's a pretty good deal.
Stan: Eleven o'clock is great. Thank you. [hangs up] That was easy! I just have to go to their office and they'll help me figure out how to get back at my parents!
Butters: [rises on his knees] Hah-hey, I wanna get revenge on my douchebag parents, too.
Stan: Fine, then you can come with me. [heads out the door]
Butters: Hooray! [follows him out] And then we can make our wieners bigger, and have the lady massage them.
Scene Description: South Park, commercial district. Stan and Butters run down the street and turn the corner into an alley. Stan checks the address.
Stan: I guess this is it.
Scene Description: Parental Revenge Center of Western America. The headquarters are quite shabby. What looks like computers and monitors are just cardboard boxes with crude drawings on them. Stan and Butters enter. They look around as they approach the main desk.
Stan: Uh hello, we're here about the revenge on our parents?
Cartman: [an egg-shaped chair is seen, with its back to the boys] Yes, come in, please. [the chair turns around, and Cartman appears seated on it.]
Stan: Cartman??
Cartman: Oh, Stan, Butters, I didn't know it was you guys.
Stan: What the hell are you doing here?!
Cartman: I'm running a business, Stan. Are you my eleven o'clock?
Butters: You're the Parental Revenge Center of Western America??
Stan: God-damnit, I knew this was too good to be true! Come on, Butters, let's go. [both boys turn and walk towards the door]
Cartman: Eh, so, you don't want to make your parents suffer and pay for mistreating you, then? [Stan and Butters stop in their tracks] Look, ah, I don't know what your parents did to you, but if you're here, I take it they pissed you off pretty good. Maybe you should at least ...hear what I have to offer?
Stan: [turns around] Oh, sorry. I thought this was a legitimate business!
Cartman: That it is, I assure you. I started this business over three months ago from the ground up. I've been helping children get back at their parents ever since.
Stan: How many parents have you exacted revenge upon?!
Cartman: Craig's. a-and Clyde's. Oh and and Kyle's, but that was a freebie. Look, I run a legitimate business here with state-of-the-art computers, charts, and technology. Look around you. I know how it feels to be really, really pissed off at your parents. And I will work hard, for you. [Stan and Butters think a moment, then take seats before Cartman]
Stan: Our moms and dads lied to us about those future selves! It was just a trick to get us to not wanna try drugs or alcohol.
Cartman: [lets out a heavy sigh] God-damnit! See? This is exactly why I started this business. If a parent can't respect their child, than who can they respect, huh?
Butters: Yeah!
Cartman: Listen! Parents understand one thing, and that's consequences. They need to see consequences from their actions, or else they'll never learn. What my company does is inflicts those consequences upon the parents in a very real and very direct way.
Stan: How much is this going to cost us?
Cartman: Eighteen thousand dollars. [Stan looks angry, Butters looks to him for guidance] How about just... three hundred and eighty seven easy payments of a hundred ninety nine, ninety five. [Stan still looks angry, Butters follows] How about five bucks?
Scene Description: Motivation Corp., day.
Director: So, everything is working out with your future actor? Your son seems to be responding.
Randy: I think he's pretty scared alright.
Sharon: It's just a little weird having people lying to our boy like this.
Director: Well, you know what us ultra-liberals say, when it comes to children and drugs, lies are OK. The ends justify the means. We'll take smoking, for instance. The truth is there's no hard evidence that second-hand smoke can kill but, we believe it's okay to lie about it as long as it gets people to stop smoking.
Sharon: Well that makes sense.
Director: So it is with everything here at Motivation Corp. It's okay for us to lie and tell kids that all marijuana supports terrorism. [a shot of a marijuana leaf superimposed over the burning World Trade Center] Or that... one pill of Ecstasy is gonna kill them. It's not necessarily true, but the ends justify the means.
Randy: Well I think when this is all over, our son is gonna thank us.
Scene Description: Parental Revenge Center of Western America. Cartman prepares to lay out his plans for Stan and Butters. His cap is gone, as is the egg-shell chair.
Cartman: Okay, Butters, let's start with you. I think I've found a great way to get revenge on your parents. Just... tell me if I'm going in the right direction here. [displays a few brochures and opens one] What we're going to do, Butters, is we're going to wait for your parents to leave the house, and then, smear all the walls... with poop.
Butters: Hwuhh. That'll make them awful sore.
Cartman: Now, I want you to take a look at some of these poop swatches. [displays some swatches with poop samples on them]
Butters: Poop- poop swatches?
Cartman: Poop comes in a lot of varieties, Butters. I wanna find the perfect one, tailored to your revenge on your parents.
Butters: Hey, that's neato, huh, Stan?
Cartman: Now, personally, I like the baby green. [switches to a new swatch] But I also think the classic brown would go nicely with your house.
Butters: Wow, Eh eh you sure are a p-professional, Eric! I don't know which swatch I like best.
Cartman: Well, y-you know what we could do, uh, uh Butters, is go with the baby green in the living room, and then maybe a classic brown, or even a nut-n-corn crunch in your parents' bedroom.
Butters: Well that sounds good.
Cartman: Okay, well let's do that then. That looks nice.
Butters: Hooray!
Cartman: Alright, now, Stan. For you I've put together a really nice design. I feel your parents were a bit more cocky about lying to you and your revenge needs to reflect that. So what I wanna to is put a note on your parents' door, telling them I'm the counselor from the school.
Stan: [brightly] Yeah.
Cartman: The note will inform them that a problem has come up and they need to see me right-away, back at my office.
Stan: Yeah.
Cartman: Your parents will drive all the way out to the school discovering that no meeting is actually taking place.
Stan: Yeah!
Cartman: And while they're gone, we're gonna smear all their walls with poop. [Stan's excitement vanishes]
Butters: Wow! Neato!
Stan: That's not neato, that sucks.
Cartman: What?
Stan: You're gonna smear Butters' parent's walls with poop. I thought each revenge was unique and customized!
Cartman: Poop-smearing is the hot ticket right now, Stan, and... have you seen the poop swatches.
Stan: Dude, that's not extreme enough! My parents aren't gonna learn their lesson from having some crap smeared on their walls! I want them to see what they did was wrong! I want them to have to admit that they lied to me!
Cartman: Okay, okay, fine. I I just, I just, ...my first idea. That's why we have these consultations. [throws the brochure away and gets some paper from inside the desk] Okay, okay, lemme, lemme see here. Uh. Oh wait, oh this is nice. How about this: uh, we'll lure your parents out of the house, and then we'll kill them. Uh, we'll cut them up into little pieces and feed them to the dog.
Stan: Dude!
Cartman: Extreme enough for you? How's Wednesday?
Stan: No, that's too extreme!
Cartman: [sighs] Well first it's not extreme enough and then it's too extreme; where do you want it?
Stan: Just forget it, Cartman! You don't know what you're doing! [leaves his seat and heads for the door.]
Cartman: I am a professional, suh! [watches Stan leave] Don't worry, Butters. You're gonna be a hundred percent satisfied.
Scene Description: The Marsh house, day. All the Marshes are at the dining room table eating tacos and chips.
Stan: Hey future self.
Future Stan: Yes, former self?
Stan: You know that thing that I kept hidden in the hole in the wall for two years that I've never told anybody about? [future Stan looks at Stan as if the boy were crazy] You know, the thing that I take out of the shoebox every night before I go to sleep?
Future Stan: Oh, uh...
Stan: You must know what I'm talking about.
Future Stan: Sure uh, uh, [quickly rises from the table and walks toward the dining room entrance] oh man, could you all excuse me for a second? I think I'm gonna crap my pants. [leaves. Stan crosses his arms, quite annoyed]
Sharon: Uh, Stan, [Randy stops eating his taco and looks at Stan] don't you think you're upsetting your future self a little?
Randy: Yeah, Stan, don't be so hard on yourself.
Stan: Mom, Dad, I don't think that guy is from the future. [Sharon and Randy shift in their chairs]
Randy: Oh. You. You don't?
Stan: No. [plants his hands along the table's edge] You know what I think? I think this is all an elaborate hoax! [crosses his arms again] And I think that whoever is doing it doesn't have very much respect for me! [uncrosses his arms] See, the best way to try to motivate somebody is by being direct with them, to be honest with them. I think the whole future self thing is a lie, and lies are never the right way to get your message across.
Randy: Well, you know what I think, Stan?
Stan: What?
Randy: I think he IS from the future.
Sharon: Yeah, he must be. [Stan looks at them with eyebrows knitting] It's like, I just feel he's our son, you know?
Randy: Right. That's mother's intuition; you can't argue with that. No, Stan, I think the only way you're gonna get rid of him is by staying clear of drugs and alcohol.
Sharon: Right. [Stan looks at them with anger, then looks forward with anger]
Scene Description: Butters' house, day. There's a Hispanic crew in the house painting the walls with two kinds of poop colors. The furniture is covered. Cartman enters and walks around the living room.
Cartman: Okay, very nice, very nice. Oh wait, uh, God-damnit! Felipe! [a painter descends from the small ladder he's on] The classic brown poop is supposed to go in the parents' bedroom! The living room is supposed to be all baby green poop!
Felipe: ¿Qué? ¿La caca no esta aquí? ["What? The poop isn't here?"]
Cartman: ¡La caca de moreno no es aquí! ¡Aquí es verde, señor! ¡Es verde! ¡Arriba arriba!
Felipe: ¡Sí, sí señor! ["Yes, yes sir!"]
Cartman: Sí, gracias. ¿Y tú? [looks in another part of the living room] ¡Carlos! ¡Carlos, no! We want a textured effect on the nut-n-corn crunch poop. That's why we [sees a sponge on the floor and picks it up] spackle with the sponge. [dips the sponge into a poop tray and spackles the wall with it] See? Spackle gently. Lo marrado. Gently, see? Marrado.
Carlos: Sí. Marrado. ["Yes. Gently"]
Cartman: Marrado. Spectacularrr.
Carlos: Sí. [takes the sponge from Cartman and begins spackling]
Cartman: God, it's so hard to find good help. [runs into Butters, who has just entered the house] Ah! Butters, like what you're seeing so far?
Butters: Boy, it sure is stinky in here!
Cartman: Yearh, well, three hundred gallons of poop isn't gonna smell like a garden, Butters. But I think it's coming together real nice.
Butters: Look, eh, Eric, I've been thinkin', my parents are gonna be awful sore and I don't think-
Cartman: Yes, well, I've done my job, haven't I? [notices another worker] ¡Pepite, Pepite, no! ¡No come la taco la trabajar!
Scene Description: The Marsh house, night. Randy and Sharon talk with the future Stan.
Future Stan: Yes, well, it's hard to find work in commercials, so I ended up- [the front door opens]
Randy: Oh, Stan! [Sharon and Future Stan look. Stan enters the dining room]
Future Stan: Oh, dude, how's it goin', man? Ey, you wanna go upstairs and play hide and go seek?
Stan: [takes a seat at the table] Hide and go seek, huh?!
Randy: Yeah, Stan, why don't you go upstairs and play with yourself?
Stan: I don't believe that he's my future self!
Randy: Yeah, but we can't be sure, so we'd better assume he is and never try that first marijuana cigarette, huh?
Stan: No, I actually have a way to be sure. [whips out a meat cleaver in his right hand and places his left wrist on the table] I'm going to cut off my hand. If he is my future self, then his hand will disappear.
Sharon: [rises frantically] S-stanley you don't need to do that. He-he is your future self.
Stan: But I have to know for sure. [readies the cleaver]
Randy: [stammers] Don't be silly, Stan. You don't wanna go through life without one of your hands. [Sharon is fearful]
Stan: Maybe it's the hand I smoked that first joint with. Here I go. I'm gonna do it.
Randy: Stan...
Stan: Yes?
Randy: Uh... nothing. Go ahead.
Sharon: Randy!
Stan: [lowers the cleaver onto his wrist. The left hand falls away, and he lifts his left arm] AAAH! [a red area marks where the left hand was]
Sharon: [Low-Pitched Scream, Shrieks Loudly] AAAHHH!
Randy: Oh my God! Look! [points. Stan looks behind his seat. Randy moves quickly to Future Stan and chops off his left hand. Blood spurts out. Stan faces the adults again as Future Stan screams in pain] What? His hand did disappear! He is you from the future!
Future Stan: Oh, Jesus Christ! Help me!
Stan: That's weird, because I really didn't cut off my hand. It was fake.
Randy: Uh.. [tries to put Future Stan's back in place] Look, it was fake in the future, too. [Future Stan passes out in shock]
Sharon: Looks like you'd better really watch out for marijuana, huh Stan?
Scene Description: Butters' house. Cartman stands with his crew behind him, their work finished.
Cartman: Well Butters, I hope you like the work. I'm sure your parents will be plenty pissed off.
Butters: Uh, and after my parents get angry, uh how do we get the poop off the walls?
Cartman: Ooo, ah, that's a different company. [the doorbell rings] Oh! Someone's here! We'd better run out the back! Pepite! Carlos! ¡Vamonos!
Butters: Uh but Cartman! Wait! [once Cartman and crew leave, Butters faces the front door] Oh Christmas! [the door opens and Stan enters]
Stan: Butters!
Butters: Oh, Stan!
Stan: Butters, we've go-! Oh, God, it smells in here.
Butters: Yeah, well, three hundred gallons of poop isn't gonna smell like a garden.
Stan: Butters, we're running away!
Butters: We are?
Stan: Our parents are never gonna admit what they did was wrong, and they're never gonna change! [Stephen, Linda, and future Butters enter with groceries]
Stephen: What the hell is this?!
Linda: Oh my God, our house!
Butters: [squeezes his eyes shut and buries his face in his hands] Oh Geez, ah, I'm gonna get it now.
Stephen: [both parents approach with hands on hips] Butters! Do you have an explanation for this?!
Butters: Oh, not really sir, I just uh...
Linda: Wait a minute. Chris, don't you see? This might be our fault.
Stephen: What, uh-? My God. You're right, Linda. This is what we get for deceiving our son.
Stan: [watching his words fall apart] Huh?
Stephen: Butters, listen. The whole future self thing, well, it was a dirty fib.
Linda: We just so desperately wanted you to never try drugs that we used a big scare tactic instead of ...telling you the truth.
Stephen: We thought the ends justified the means, but they don't. They just... don't, son! [starts crying as he and Linda hug Butters]
Linda: We're sorry, baby. [starts crying also. Butters, feeling the love, smiles, then grins.]
Stan: Get the fuck out of here. [Randy and Sharon rush into the house]
Randy: Stan! Stan! Oh. Okay, uh, you you might be wondering why Butters has a future self, too.
Sharon: Yes, well, eh you see, son, the time matrix pulled in more people from the future.
Stan: Aw, stop it, you guys! I know all about Motivation Corp.! All I've been trying to get you guys to do is admit that you lied to me!
Randy: Oh... Well... Son, we've just been trying to make sure you know how dangerous drugs like pot are.
Stan: I've been told a lot of things about pot, but I've come to find out a lot of those things aren't true! So I don't know what to believe!
Randy: Well, Stan, the truth is marijuana probably isn't gonna make you kill people, and ...it most likely isn't gonna fund terrorists, but... Well son, pot makes you feel fine with being bored and... It's when you're bored that you should be learning some new skill or discovering some new science or... being creative. If you smoke pot you may grow up to find out that you aren't good at anything.
Stan: I really, really wish you just would have told me that from the beginning.
Sharon: He's right. If we use lies and exaggerations to keep kids off drugs, then they're never gonna believe anything we tell them.
Randy: Well, there's only one person I can blame. Motivation Corp.!
Scene Description: Outside Motivation Corp., day. Randy, Sharon, Stan, and Cartman look at the building and listen at the voices coming out of it.
Director: Oh God, who smeared crap all over our walls?! Oh Jesus, it smells! Oh!
Randy: You really did a nice job, Eric. [Sharon holds a box of cookies]
Stan: Yeah, I gotta admit. You really came through.
Cartman: Thank you. I thought the hangover black went really nice in the lobby.
Sharon: Well here, Eric, I cooked you a huge box of cookies as a present.
Cartman: Thanks. But you know, all this talk about future selves has made me think, maybe I should ...take better care of myself. I mean, maybe I should think about who I'm going to become.
Future Cartman: [Future Cartman walks into the scene. His appearance is tall, fit, clean, handsome, and wearing a suit] Atta boy, Eric. You've made the right choice.
Cartman: Who the hell are you?
Future Cartman: Haha, it's me, Cartman! You from the future. [genuflects] I came back to tell you that this is the day you turn it all around. You stop eating junk food and you start studying harder, you stay away from drugs and alcohol and you become CEO of your own time-travel company!
Cartman: [sets the box of cookies down] Oh wow, really? That's so awesome! Now I'll really work to be successful!
Future Cartman: Right on!
Cartman: Go have sex with yourself, asshole! I'm not that stupid! Just for that, I'm gonna spend my whole childhood eating what I want, and doin' drugs when I want! [The Marshes leave. He joins them] Whatevuh! I'll do what I want!
Future Cartman: No, wait! [flashes of electricity runs through his body. His form becomes obese, dirty, and disheveled. His suit becomes an dirty open blue shirt over a dirty white shirt with a name tag. He also holds a tool box and a wrench] Oh, God-damnit!


Scene Description: Cartman's house, day. In his room, Cartman has Kyle's cousin, Kyle Schwartz, tally up his good and bad deeds to see where he will end up this year. Kyle Schwartz is seated at Cartman's desk with piles of paper to go through and an adding machine to keep it all current.
Kyle Schwartz: Ah-a-a-alright, I'm done.
Cartman: You're done?
Kyle Schwartz: Ye-yes, I-I've tallied up all the times you've been naughty and deducted the times you've been nice.
Cartman: Yeah, so how's it look?
Kyle Schwartz: It doesn't look good, Eric. It doesn't look good.
Cartman: But I'll still be getting presents this year, right?
Kyle Schwartz: A-a-aactually it looks like this year you're gonna owe Santa three hundred and six presents.
Cartman: What?!
Kyle Schwartz: Four thousand three hundred and twelve instances of being naughty against three deductions of being nice, is, is bad.
Cartman: Three?? You didn't deduct all my nice invoices! Look look! What about this one? [lifts up a sheet from the desk]
Kyle Schwartz: Yes, wa-a-I didn't think "hitting Clyde in the balls with slingshot" really counted as nice.
Cartman: It was nice for Token; he laughed for like 20 minutes.
Kyle Schwartz: Ye you can't deduct things like that, Eric. Santa will know and then he'll come after you.
Cartman: [lunges at Kyle Schwartz and grabs him by the left arm] God-damnit I have to get that Haibo robot doll, you sonofabitch!
Kyle Schwartz: Hey hey, [Cartman lets go] I'm just your naughty-and-nice accountant! Don't blame me for the numbers!
Cartman: Haven't you seen the Haibo doll? It's like a pet, a robot pet. You have to feed it and pet it or else it dies, and it's the coolest thing ever! Santa has to bring me one!
Kyle Schwartz: But what, look, aren't there any other nice things you've done recently we can write off here?
Cartman: [thinks a minute] Uh... Oh! I brushed my teeth last night!
Kyle Schwartz: Eh... brushing your teeth isn't naughty or nice... Eric, it just, it falls more into the category of... brushing your teeth.
Cartman: Well there's still time before Christmas! Can't I still make up for it?
Kyle Schwartz: If you cured cancer... and AIDS next week, you would still owe two presents.
Cartman: Jesus Christ!
Kyle Schwartz: Ah I'm afraid you're gonna have to find a way to do... the nicest, greaatest thing anyone has ever done. Ever. [sets his glasses right]
Scene Description: South Park city hall, outside, night. A decorated Christmas tree stands at one side of the entrance as the Mayor stands at the dais.
Mayor McDaniels: Good evening, everyone. In a moment we'll be lighting the South Park Christmas Tree to kick off the holidays!
Townsfolk: Hooray!! Christmas Tree! Christmas Tree! [Everyone in town is there, and some out of towners too. Seen in the crowd are Mr. and Mrs. Stotch, Mr. and Mrs. Marsh, Shelly, Mr. Mackey, Principal Victoria, Chef and his parents, Mr. and Mrs. Broflovski, Skeeter, Dr. Mephesto and Kevin, a Visitor, Fr. Maxi, Big-Gay Al, Mr. Adler, The Thompsons, a freak, Lolly, Mr. and Mrs. McCormick, and Kevin McCormick] Christmas Tree!
Cartman: [walks up to Stan and Kyle, who are holding candy canes] Hi guys! ["Christmas Tree!" Cartman is feeling quite cheerful. He hugs both Stan and Kyle] A very Merry Christmas to you. God bless us, everyone! [he lets go]
Kyle: [naturally weary of Cartman's cheer] What are you doing, Cartman?
Cartman: I'm just letting you guys know how special you are to me.
Mayor McDaniels: But now, before we light the tree, I think we should all reflect for a moment on those who are less fortunate than us. [That gets the boys' attention] Right now in Iraq there are children who fear us and what we might do to their country. The threat of war touches us all, but over in Iraq, there is no Christmas. They have nothing.
Jimbo: [to Ned] Ah I hate when the Mayor uses Christmas for her own political agenda. [uses his hands to make a megaphone and yells] Light the damn tree!
Townsfolk: YEAH! Christmas Tree! Christmas Tree!
Cartman: Oh my God, that's it!
Kyle: What's it?
Cartman: Don't you see? This time of year we should be bringing Christmas to the less fortunates! Follow me! [leaves in high spirits, then returns] You guys, come on! Right now! [Stan and Kyle shrug, then follow Cartman.]
Mayor McDaniels: Ahalright, here to light the Christmas Tree is a very special young man who shows us all the true meaning of Christmas. Jimmy. [aide 2 sets up a small mic for Jimmy to sing into. The crowd cheers as Jimmy approaches the mic.]
Jimmy: Wow, what a terrific audience. Thank you for giving me this great honor, Mayor. B-before I l, l.. light the tree, I was wondering if I could sing... my favorite ...Christmas song, real quick.
Townsfolk: [sympathizing] Awww.
Mayor McDaniels: Well, we'd love a Christmas song, wouldn't we, folks?
Townsfolk: Christmas songs! Christmas songs! Christmas songs!
Jimmy: Alright, h-here it goes. On the first day of C-...c...c.. chrih.. stmas my tr... t-tru-true love g-geh... g-g-geh... gave... to... m..m-m-m...m-mm-m-m... me... a pa... a pa... pah...
Mr. Garrison: Oh no. [Mr. Slave, dressed in Santa bondage suit, stands next to him]
Scene Description: Cartman's house, night. Cartman is rushing out of his house with all sorts of presents. Stan and Kyle just stand there looking at him run around.
Cartman: [breathlessly, comes out with the box and sets it down near the driveway] ...and here's some old toys that I don't need anymore. [rushes back inside] And here! Here's some Christmas cookies! [comes out with the box of cookies and sets it down] And some holly and mistletoe! [rushes in to get it, then comes out with the box, setting it next to the box of toys] Oh, this'll be the happiest Christmas the Middle East has ever seen! Guys, get those lights down from the door. We'll give them to the needy Iraqis, too.
Stan: Cartman, why are you doing this?
Cartman: They don't have Christmas there, guys. We have to give it to them.
Kyle: That's a retarded idea that won't work. Why are you really doing this?
A Voice: [the boys look up and to their right] Hoooowwwwdy ho! [Mr. Hankey skips into view, from a house rooftop, to a garage rooftop, to hovering in front of the boys. Magic dust accompanies him]
Kyle: Mr. Hankey! [an instrumental of Mr. Hankey's theme song plays]
Cartman: [annoyed, softly] Oh I hate this stupid Christmas poo. [in normal voice] Hello, Mr. Hankey! A Merry Christmas to you!
Mr. Hankey: Gee whiz, things sure look Christmasy out here. What are you boys doin'?
Kyle: Cartman is trying to bring Christmas to Iraq.
Cartman: The people of Iraq deserve a good Christmas just like everyone else.
Mr. Hankey: Well, gosh, Eric, looks like you really have the Christmas spirit! [Cartman bounces around joyously] I know someone who can help. Santa Claus!
Cartman: Really?
Stan, Kyle: Really?
Mr. Hankey: Sure. We should take this stuff to him right away!
Kyle: But how are we gonna get to the North Pole?
Mr. Hankey: Oh, that's no problem! We just need a little Christmas magic. [raises his little arms and stirs up some magic dust. He unleashes it on a manhole cover in the middle of the street, which begins to rumble. The sewer underneath the manhole cover bubbles up and blows the cover off, and the poo spread and swirls around. A small tornado moves from side to side, then clears away, revealing a small train made of poo.] All aboard the Poo Choo Express!
Cartman: Wow!
Stan: Wuh, that smells. [lifts the front of his jacket over his nose]
Kyle: Yeah. [does the same]
Mr. Hankey: Next stop, the North Pole!
Cartman: [grabs the box of holly and mistletoe and heads for the train] Get the rest of the stuff you guys!
Stan: Uh, I don't really wanna get on there. [Cartman stops]
Kyle: Me neither.
Cartman: You guys, we have to bring Christmas to those less fortunates! [moves on] Now come on!
Mr. Hankey: Let's go, Poo Choo Train! [pulls on the whistle cord]
Whistle: Poo Choo! [the trains lurches forward and leaves a train of poo behind. Soon it's running smoothly]
Mr. Hankey: Poo Choo Train's layin' down its tracks with a
Whistle: Poo Choo!
Mr. Hankey: All the way and back!
Cartman: Poo Poo Train is my favorite thing, spreading Christmas joy as we ride and sing!
Kyle: Dude, what the hell has gotten into Cartman??
Stan: I don't know.
Mr. Hankey: Christmastime wouldn't be the same without hugs and kisses and a Poo Choo Train. [from a view in space, the train is seen making its way to the North Pole]
Scene Description: South Park. Jimmy is still singing.
Jimmy: ...and a par-tridge in a... p...pear t...t...tree. On the third day of C...Chrihhh...Chriiii...
Scene Description: The North Pole. The Poo Choo Train pulls into view, then stops.
Mr. Hankey: Here we are, kids. The North Pole. [Stan and Kyle run off the train and put some distance between it and themselves]
Stan: Awww! [both of them release their breath and start coughing]
Kyle: Finally!
Stan: God, it took forever!
Cartman: Wow, is that where Santa lives?
Mr. Hankey: That's it. Santa's Fortress of Solitude. [The fortress is shown in all its icy glory. The boys and Mr. Hankey head for the entrance. Two icy door slide apart and a gnome appears]
Gnome 1: Mr. Hankey!
Mr. Hankey: We need to see Santa right away on urgent Christmas business.
Gnome 1: Sure thing!
Scene Description: The workshop. The group enters. Gnomes are busy everywhere, moving gifts around, decorating Christmas trees.
Kyle: Hey. Aren't you guys the underpants gnomes?
Gnome 1: Ten months out of the year. But this time of year we help Santa! [leads the group out of the workshop] Here he is! [the group comes across Santa at his desk reading a list of names]
Santa: [turns around] Ho ho hoo! Merry Christmas!
Stan, Kyle, Cartman: [impressed] Wow!
Mr. Hankey: Howdy ho, Santa!
Santa: [with open arms, approaches] Mr. Hankey, how are you?
Mr. Hankey: All ready for Christmas?
Santa: I was just starting to look over the new naughty and nice list the gnomes prepared for me.
Cartman: Oh, heh. Are the uh tabulations all closed up then?
Santa: Oh no, they keep it open until midnight of Christmas Eve. Some kids actually try to cram in a lot of niceness right at the end.
Cartman: [brushes it off] Oh, that's so lame of them. [Stan looks at him]
Mr. Hankey: Santa, my friends are trying to do something very special this Christmas. Tell him, Eric.
Cartman: [with hands behind his back] Well Santa, it's just that... I was thinking about the people in Iraq who are afraid that we might bomb them and I just thought, well, maybe it wouldn't hurt to send them a little bit of our Christmas spirit as well.
Santa: You know you're right. Santa hasn't been to that of the world in a looong time. Perhaps Santa could bring peace to this whole situation.
Cartman: That's what I thought.
Santa: Gnomes! [the gnomes gather around him] Load up the sleigh with toys! Santa's going to make a special run!
Mr. Hankey: All right!
Santa: And you boys can all watch me from our flight control room.
Cartman: Hooray!
Scene Description: South Park. Jimmy is still singing.
Jimmy: ...and a par-tridge in a... p...pear tree. On the ...fourth day of C...C...Ca...Chriiiistmas my t-true love g-ge-gave to me-mee...
Scene Description: The North Pole Flight Control Room. The gnomes and boys enter the room, which is fully decorated in Christmas cheer.
Gnome 1: This is Santa's flight control center. From here, we can monitor Santa from satellite as he travels the globe delivering presents.
Kyle: Wow, cool!
Mr. Hankey: Hey, it looks like Santa has already made it to Baghdad. [four camera angles show Santa arriving in Baghdad: two side angles, one overhead, one front]
Scene Description: Baghdad, Iraq. Santa sails over the city.
Santa: Ho ho hoo! Merry Christmas, everyone! [the Iraqi adults stop and look up. Two presents drop down before a house, the door opens, and two kids look at the gifts with saucer eyes. They come out and pick up the gifts, grinning brightly. They glance up at Santa, then look back at their gifts] Ho ho hoo! A Merry Christmas to all!
Iraqi man 1: [black beard] Paka klakalaka.
Iraqi man 2: [white beard] Anah kakadakadaka.
Santa: Merry Christmas! [An Iraqi man shows up with a shoulder-mounted bazooka, aims at Santa, and fires the rocket. The sleigh is hit and Santa loses control of it.] I'm hit! I'm hit! [switch to North Pole]
Gnome 1: Sleigh is hit! I repeat! Sleigh is hit! [switch to Baghdad]
Gnome 2: Ultimate failure at o-sixhundred feet! [the sleigh swings around violently, tossing Santa off. Santa holds on to one of the skids]
Santa: Hold on! [climbs up to the sleigh cab] Sleigh is going down! [switch to North Pole]
Gnome 1: Sleigh is going down! I repeat! Sleigh is going down!
Stan: Hang on, Santa! [switch to Baghdad]
Gnome 3: [heard on the sleigh's radio] Sleigh 1 is going down! We are going down! [more chatter is heard as the sleigh heads for a crash landing. The sleigh strikes the edge of a building's rooftop and knocks away some of the façade]
Gnome 4: [on the sleigh's radio] Don't look down! Don't look down! Repeat! Don't look down! [the sleigh crashes and everyone who's on the ground looks for a place to hide. Presents are spilled all over. The area is soon empty save for Santa and the sleigh. Color vanishes. Switch to North Pole]
Gnome 1: [on the sleigh's radio] We got a red sleigh down. We got a red sleigh down. [Arabic music is heard as the boys look at the devastation] Red Sleigh 1, this is North Pole. [no response. The boys are in shock] Red Sleigh 1, this is North Pole. [no response] Mr. Kringle? [after a moment, turns around]
Gnome 5: Jesus Christ, they killed him!
Cartman: No! Santa Claus can't be dead. He... He can't.
Stan: Why would Iraqis do that? Why?
Mr. Hankey: It certainly doesn't seem very Christmasy of them.
Santa: [over the radio] North Pole. This is Santa.
Mr. Hankey: Santa! Are you alright?
Gnome 2: What is your status?
Santa: [on screen] Sleigh is down. Reindeer... all dead. Both Santa's legs are broken. Santa's... very sad. Santa will have to... oh no. They're coming for me! [the other gnomes begin to stream into the control room] Stay back, you bastards! Stay back! [the communications link is lost]
Stan: Oh no.
Cartman: Well what are you gnomes sitting there for?! You have to go rescue him!
Gnome 5: What the hell are we supposed to do?! We're like nine inches tall!
Cartman: [blubbering] Now I'm never gonna get my Haibo robot doll!
Kyle: Is that what this is all about?! [Stan shoots a quizzical stare] You came up with this whole idea so you could get a stupid toy?! [Stan is angry now]
Cartman: It's not stupid! It's a toy that you can starve! If you don't feed it, it dies. It's sooo cool.
Stan: Well good going, asshole! Thanks to you, there's not gonna be any Christmas, and there's no one left to help us!
Cartman: Oh, Christ.
Stan, Kyle, Cartman: [gasp] Jesus!
Mr. Hankey: Hey, that's right. Jesus can save anybody.
Gnome 2: Follow me. You can take Santa's backup sleigh. [walks off. Mr. Hankey, the other gnomes, and the boys follow him]
Scene Description: South Park City Hall. Jimmy is still singing Twelve Days of Christmas.
Jimmy: On the fifth... day... day of... Christmas, [the townsfolk have begun to fall asleep] ...my t-true love gave to... uh... me. Five g-g-g... golden ruh-ring... rings. [one of the mayor's aides falls asleep on her shoulder] Fuhgom... don... t-t... don... four cal...ling buh-irr...
Scene Description: The North Pole, Fortress of Solitude.
Gnome 2: We fed Jesus Christ's data into the autopilot. This sleigh should be able to take you right to him.
Stan: I hope so, or else Santa Claus is as good as dead.
Gnome 2: Here it is. Red Sleigh 2. [shown with its own team of reindeer]
Cartman: Come on, gang, it's up to us to save Christmas!
Mr. Hankey: Tell Santa's workers to keep making toys. We'll have Santa back in no time!
Kyle: Uhhh, how d- how do we start this thing?
Gnome 2: You just have to call out the reindeer's names.
Cartman: Oh yeah! On Dasher, on Prancer, on Comet-
Gnome 2: No, no, they're all dead. You have to call out the new ones. [each reindeer is highlighted as its name is called] On Steven, on Fluffy, on Horace, on Chantel. On Skippy, on Rainbow, on Patches, on Montel. [the reindeer move forward and the sleigh soon rises into the sky] Good luck finding Jesus! [waves goodbye after them]
Scene Description: The night sky. The boys sail along the winds.
Cartman: Wow, look, you guys! We're riding in Santa's sleigh!
Mr. Hankey: We should be able to find Jesus in no time!
Cartman: I'm riding in Santa's sleigh. So high above the trees at Christmastime. With candy-cane wishes and smiles-
Kyle: What are you doing?
Cartman: [looks at Kyle, then lowers his eyelids a bit] I'm having a precious Christmastime moment, Kyle, if you don't mind.
Kyle: Singing a Christmas song isn't gonna get you nice deductions, Cartman! Don't forget: it's because of you that Santa's sleigh got shot down!
Cartman: [draws close to Kyle] Hey, it isn't my fault that Iraqis are filled with hate!
Kyle: All I'm saying is that it's gonna take a lot of singing to make up for that!
Cartman: [resumes his position in back of the sleigh and speeds up his song] It's Christmas magic time, inside the sleigh, so high in the sky, eh with candy canes and chimney smiles, eh...
Scene Description: South Park City Hall. Jimmy is still singing Twelve Days of Christmas. The townsfolk get sleepier.
Jimmy: Six geese are laying... fu...five go-oldenh ...uhrings. Fodom... dom... du...du...t...du... Four calling biiirds...
Scene Description: Baghdad. Santa is being hauled down a hall by three Iraqi soldiers. He's got bruises here and there, a bloody nose, a black eye. They enter a room.
Santa: Where are you taking me?? [one soldier seems to order the other two to strap Santa into a chair] You are all being very naughty. [a general enters]
Iraqi general: [soft-spoken] Why you come to Iraq, my main man?
Santa: [a soldier ladles some water onto Santa] To bring happiness and joy to the children.
Iraqi general: And this is...? [carries a toy train and dangles a car in front of Santa] This is what you think brings happy? [walks behind Santa] This is material... [thrusts the toy train at Santa over the shoulder] This is commercialism! Your country is sick. Sick! [throws the toy train onto Santa's body and walks away]
Santa: No, your country has just lost all its Christmas spirit. [a soldier approaches and opens Santa's pants.] What's going on here?!
Iraqi general: America wants to bomb my house, my main man. They want to kill my wife and children. We need to know... what is their plan?
Santa: I don't know, I live in the North Pole. [the general leaves, then soon returns with two rods attached to cables. A soldier cranks up the device they're connected to] What are you doing??
Iraqi general: They say that the Chinese were the first to experiment with an electroshock to the testicles.
Santa: Oh no. Not Santa's balls! [The general descends on Santa's balls and makes them glow. This part is not shown, save for a shot of Santa's back and a glow coming from the front side. A few seconds later the general removes the rods and rises, and the glow fades. Santa coughs]
Iraqi general: What else is America planning?!
Santa: [coughs some more, spits, and faces the general] I'm gonna fucking kill you!
Iraqi general: You're not in a position to kill anyone, my main man! I just want you to tell me America's plan!
Santa: Then we're in for a long night, because I don't know shit! [the general glances at the soldier, who ratchets the charger up higher. Santa screams in pain]
Scene Description: An Italian church. Jesus stands at the altar receiving parishioners, blessing them for one thing or another.
Jesus: [blessing an elderly man with a few drops of wine] In nome del mio padre, siete guarito. ["In the name of my Father, you are healed."]
Elderly Man: [as he is led away] Benedicali! Benedicali! ["Bless you! Bless you!"]
Woman: Jesus, mio bambino no puoi sentirsi. ["Jesus, my son can't feel himself." (he's numb)]
Jesus: [blesses the infant] Il vostro bambino se arguisto. ["Your son ..."]
Woman: Bene, Benedicali! ["Bless, bless you!" The boys' voices are now heard inside the church and the congregants look around. The sleigh crashes though a window and glass showers down over Jesus and the other people present] La morte rossa! ["The red death!" The sleigh alights and stops]
Mr. Hankey: Hooowdy ho! [the churchgoers panic and run out of the church.]
Cartman: Jesus!
Jesus: Stan, Kyle, Mr. Hankey and Eric Cartman. What are you doing here, my children?
Stan: Jesus, Santa's sleigh was shot down over Iraq!
Jesus: Santa? Is he alright?
Kyle: We don't know. They lost all contact with him.
Jesus: We have to get him out of there.
Mr. Hankey: Do you know a way?
Jesus: Yes. Yes, I think I do. [approaches an ornate cabinet] We need a little Christmas miracle. [slides the door open to reveal an armory. He starts taking out an Uzi] Lock and load! We're goin' in!
Scene Description: South Park City Hall. Jimmy is still singing Twelve Days of Christmas. The townsfolk get sleepier.
Jimmy: On the s...seventh day of Christmas my t...true love...
Scene Description: The interrogation room. The general continues shock treatment on Santa's balls.
Iraqi general: You're a sick capitalist dog, my main man! [jabs the balls again, and Santa howls in pain]
Scene Description: Baghdad. Jesus, Mr. Hankey, and the boys arrive and sail over the city.
Cartman: This is Baghdad? God, what a shithole! [Jesus looks over, Cartman notices] I mean, oh wow, these poor unfortunate people.
Gnome: Red Sleigh 2, come in.
Stan: We're here.
Gnome: You're coming up on the source of the signal. You're right on top of him!
Jesus: He must be in that building below us. Land it on the roof, Mr. Hankey.
Mr. Hankey: Howdy ho, Jesus. [the sleigh lands and a rooftop door opens.]
Soldier 1: [clean-shaven] Gankueda!
Jesus: [steps off the sleigh and holds his arms up] Wait here, I can handle this.
Soldier 2: [bearded] Kinkeda? Kinkakueda!
Jesus: Yay, look upon me, and know me.
Soldier 1: Halak balah!
Soldier 2: Kli malah!
Jesus: My children, you should know something. [a dagger shoots out and gets into position by his left arm] I'm packing. [quickly jabs the clean-shaven soldier in the throat, and the soldier gags to death. A gun with silencer descends along Jesus' right arm. He takes that and quickly kills the bearded soldier. He calls out to the others on the sleigh] Let's go! [Mr. Hankey and the boys leave the sleigh]
Cartman: This is such a magical Christmas adventure, you guys.
Scene Description: South Park City Hall. Jimmy is still singing Twelve Days of Christmas. The townsfolk get sleepier.
Jimmy: On the el- el- el- eleventh day of C- Christmas my t...true love gave to me, e-eleven p-p-pipers p-pu-p-piping...
Scene Description: The interrogation room. The general is now making Santa swallow a can of oil.
Iraqi general: Drink it! Drink the oil! This is all you Western capitalists want! [Jesus bursts through the door.]
Santa: Jesus Christ! [Jesus kills the soldier at the charging station, then the other soldier. The general holds up his hands. Jesus shoots him on the left know and he falls.]
Iraqi general: Ach!
Santa: Oh! Thank! Thank God for you, Jesus! [Jesus walks up to Santa and unties him]
Jesus: Here. [hands him a gun] Can you walk?
Santa: Santa's legs are broken. [Jesus moves his hands over them, then steps back]
Jesus: They are healed. [walks off. Santa follows, but turns around to face the general, who is cowering now. Santa fixes his gaze on the general and aims the gun. After a few intense moments Santa moves the gun off and fires twice. Jesus comes up behind Santa] Santa...
Santa: I just couldn't do it. [Santa didn't miss after all. The general got one bullet to the brain, another one that split his head open] I just couldn't let him live. He shocked Santa's balls! [sirens go off]
Mr. Hankey: More soldiers are coming!
Jesus: Let's move. Move!
Scene Description: South Park City Hall. Jimmy is still singing Twelve Days of Christmas.
Jimmy: Eight... maids are... milking...
Scene Description: A hallway. Jesus leads the others out.
Jesus: [stops at the foot of a stairway and turns around] Get up the stairs! The sleigh is on the roof! [a soldier comes down the stairs]
Kyle: Jesus, behind you! [Jesus looks at the boys. The soldier shoots Jesus in the back]
Stan, Kyle, Cartman: [in slow motion] Jesus! [in slow motion, Jesus wobbles a bit and then falls]
Santa: [in slow motion] No! [fires away with his gun, killing the soldier. He then approaches Jesus and holds him] Jesus. Jesus! [Jesus stammers, but nothing comes out of his mouth] No... don't worry, Jesus, it's nothing. It's just a scratch.
Jesus: You're a... bad liar. [the boys are speechless] Hey. B-but we sure gave them one hell of a fight, huh?
Santa: We sure did, Jesus.
Stan: [finding his voice] Dude, this is pretty fucked up right here.
Jesus: Uh Santa?
Santa: [quickly answers] I'm here, Jesus.
Jesus: Don't... don't ever... let them take away... our... Christmas spirit. [Jesus takes his last breath and expires. His halo disappears]
Stan: Oh my God. Iraqis killed Jesus.
Kyle: You bastards. [behind them, soldiers mass at the other end of the hall]
Santa: [with a gun on each arm] Come on, kids! [turns around and rushes up the stairs. The kids follow]
Scene Description: The building's rooftop. Santa leads the boys out while firing at the pursuing Iraqi soldiers.
Santa: Get to the sleigh! Get to the sleigh! [the boys run by screaming as Santa mows the soldiers down with both semiautomatics. More soldiers pour out, more bodies pile up. The boys sit down in the sleigh, and Stan and Kyle take the reins]
Mr. Hankey: Start the sleigh!
Stan: Uh, on Steven, on Fluffy, on Horace, on Chantel. Uhh...
Kyle: On Skippy, on Rainbow, on Patches, on Montel. [the sleigh begins to move forward and Santa runs out of ammo. He drops the guns and heads for the moving sleigh. He hops in and the remaining soldiers fire at the departing sleigh. The sleigh goes up and away]
Cartman: Look at me, I'm riding high in Santa's sleigh. It's Christmas special time for me-
Kyle: Oh shut up, Cartman! Your Sweet Christmas act isn't fooling anybody!
Cartman: Eh, it's not an act, Kyle! All I wanted was for these people to understand what Christmas means.
Santa: You're right, kid. [turns the sleigh around]
Mr. Hankey: What are you doin', Santa?
Santa: I came to bring Christmas to Iraq and by God I'm gonna do it! [presses a button on his dashboard.]
Scene Description: Panels on either side of the sleigh body open up to reveal bombs and a controller rises up in front of Santa. He releases the reins and fires a rocket. It heads for a building and Iraqis move out of the way. It hits its target, but instead of destroying it, the bomb decorates the building in Christmas cheer. Strings of lights decorate the windows and a Christmas tree appears at the door. "Joy To The World" plays as snow comes down from the sky. The Iraqis approach in wonder.
Santa: Hohoho! Merry Christmas! [the sleigh sails above a street and Santa strafes the buildings on either side with more bombs. Each of the buildings is decorated with lights and Christmas trees, and presents appear under the trees. The sleigh goes down another street and bombs another building. It too is decorated]
Soldier: [directing another soldier with a bazooka ready to fire] Dakadaka!
Stan: RPG, four o'clock!
Scene Description: Santa activates a laser, which rises over the boys and fires at the soldier's bazooka. It becomes a giant candy cane. The soldiers are surprised. Santa fires at a group of people holding baskets of bread and a woman holding a chicken. The baskets become gifts, while the chicken becomes a large gingerbread man. A rifle in one man's hands becomes a Christmas wreath.
Mr. Hankey: Boy, things are starting to look Christmasy now!
Santa: Merry Christmas! Hohoho!
Scene Description: Santa makes another pass down a decorated street and drops five more bombs. They leave behind five snowmen. The Iraqis are surprised and confused by all these presents. The kids are terribly pleased with theirs.
Santa: Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night! Hohohohoho!
Scene Description: South Park City Hall. Jimmy is still singing Twelve Days of Christmas. The mayor's assistants are asleep and the mayor is getting sleepy.
Jimmy: And a p-p-par-tridge in a p-peeeaaar treeee. [a moment of silence follows. No more is heard from Jimmy]
Mayor McDaniels: That's it? That's it! The song's over! We can light the tree! [heads for the dais. Her aides follow. The townsfolk rouse themselves.]
Townsfolk: [cheering heartily] Hurrah! Woohoo! Yay!
Jimbo: Oh, finally!
Mayor McDaniels: Go on, Jimmy! There's only five more seconds until Christmas! [hands him the detonator by which to light the tree. The townsfolk are glad with anticipation, making fists. Jimmy lowers the trigger, the tree lights up and goes dark, and then a bulb explodes]
Townsfolk: Awwww!
Randy: Christmas is ruined again! [they begin to disperse, but jingle bells stop them in their tracks]
Santa: [heard over the jingle bells] Ho ho ho! [Santa flies over the gathering and drops a bomb on the tree. It blazes forth with bright lights]
Townsfolk: WOW!!! [cheering and applause follow. The sleigh lands and the occupants disboard]
Randy: Stan!
Sheila: Kyle!
Kyle: [runs up to his parents] Mom! Dad! We rode on Santa's sleigh!
Stan: [runs up to his parents] We brought Christmas to Iraq!
Santa: [approaches the dais] Everyone! Everyone, can I please have your attention? [Cartman approaches his mom; they hug each other] Christmas is a very special time of year, but... this year it almost didn't happen. There's a man named Jesus who gave his life to save me. And so I declare that every year on Christmas Day, we should remember Jesus for what he did, and thank him for it. From now on, Christmas will be a day for remembering a brave man named Jesus.
Townsfolk: [cheering heartily] Hooray!
Santa: Now, if you'll all excuse me, I've got a lot of work to do. [leaves the dais]
Mr. Hankey: I'll help you, Santa!
Santa: [gets into his sleigh and looks over at the boys] Oh, and boys, you might want to check under the Christmas tree. [the boys are surprised, then happy. Stan leads them to the presents. Santa takes the sleigh off the ground and away] Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas! [the boys reach their presents and check them over. For a moment they look like the Iraqi kids. Their looks change back to normal as they rip off the wrapping. They all get the same gift]
Stan: Wow! Look, you guys! Santa got us all Haibo dolls! [Cartman's joy vanishes]
Cartman: Oh, God-damnit!
Kyle: Cartman, I thought all you wanted was a Haibo doll!
Cartman: Yeah, but not if you guys have one, too! Now it's worthless and gay! God-damnit I'll never try to be nice again! [kicks the toy away. The camera zooms out enough for a fourth person to walk into the shot]
Stan: Well, all in all, I have to say this was a pretty special Christmas. [Kenny walks into the frame.]
Kenny: (Hey guys. What's goin' on?)
Stan: Oh, hey Kenny.
Kyle: Dude, where have you been?
Kenny: (Oh, I've just been hanging out.)
Kyle: Well come on! We gotta tell you what happened. I'm sure glad it's over with. [walks away with his Haibo doll. Stan follows with his Haibo doll, and Cartman follows with an angry look]
Stan: Yeah, but I feel like things are finally back to normal.
Kenny: (Yeah.)