Scene Description: Cartman's house, living room, day. Cartman, Stan, and Kyle are on the sofa laughing as Cartman does some prank calls.
Cartman: [dialing] Shu- shut up you guys, shut up you guys. [the boys quiet down and cover their mouths as the call goes through to City Wok, a Chinese restaurant.]
Tuong Lu Kim: Herro, Shitty Wok, take your order prease.
Cartman: [the boys giggle] Hello, is this City Wok?
Tuong Lu Kim: Yes, this Shitty Wok
Cartman: [the boys giggle harder] Uh, yes, we'd like one order of the City Beef.
Tuong Lu Kim: [writing] Shitty Beef...
Kyle: Aha, and I'll have the City Chicken.
Tuong Lu Kim: [writing] Shitty Chicken... [the boys roar with laughter. Cartman rolls back on the sofa]
Stan: Oh, dude, look! [the others look up and the phone falls off Cartman's lap to the floor] It's that commercial with the guy that lost 400 pounds eating at Subway Sandwiches!
Scene Description: Commercial. The first thing on the screen is a submarine sandwich. It pans across the screen.
Singer: He's still lookin' good! [a man appears eating a footlong subway sandwich. The name "JARED FOGLE" appears on the screen near the bottom] His name is Jared [he struts down a sidewalk. "LOST 262 LBS." appears on the screen] His name is Jared and he likes to eat the sandwiches... [a side shot of Jared walking smoothly behind a white picket fence in Downtown, then of slices of a party sub, then of the first sandwich]
Scene Description: Cartman living room. Butters walks in.
Butters: Uh, hey, fellas.
Stan: Hey Kenny.
Butters: [upset] Now gosh darnit, my name's not Kenny! Kenny's dead, and you're all gonna have to learn to deal with it!
Kyle: Okay, Not-Kenny.
Scene Description: Commercial continues.
Announcer: Hey South Park! [camera switches to the TV. Jared is shown munching away on a sub sandwich behind splash bubbles saying "JARED LIVE" "FREE SUBS" and "LOSE WEIGHT" and "MEET JARED" "SOUTH PARK, COLORADO"] You can meet Jared IN PERSON March 6 at the Kenny McCormick Memorial Town Square!
Butters: [excited] Woh, boy! Jared's comin' to town!
Kyle: Dude! That's today!
Stan: We've gotta get down there! Come on, Not-Kenny! [Stan and Kyle hop off the sofa and head for the front door]
Butters: [angered] Now gosh darnit, my name's not Not-Kenny!
Cartman: [hops off and follows Stan and Kyle] Okay, come on, Not-Not-Kenny.
Butters: Wo-ah I'm getting steamed now. [follows the other three. The phone remains on the floor]
Tuong Lu Kim: [the receiver rattles with his voice] Hello! City Wok! City Wok, I take your order prease!
Scene Description: Kenny McCormick Memorial Town Square, moments later. A crowd is in front of the stage waiting for Jared, with people holding up signs saying "We Love Jared" "We Love You Jared!!" "Jared for President", etc. The boys walk up to Herbert Garrison. Kyle taps him.
Kyle: Excuse me? Could we get through here?
Herbert Garrison: [turns around] Hell no! I've been savin' this spot for six hours! [begins to dance] His name is Garrison, Mr. Garrison. He lost ten pounds takin' Jared's lead-
Randy: Here he comes! [the crowd turns left as one and starts clamoring. Jared struts towards the crowd as his theme song comes up]
Singer: He's still lookin' good, with all those... sub sandwiches... [Jared walks up on stage and takes the podium]
Jared: Thank you all so much. You know what? After a year of eating delicious sub sandwiches, I've proven weight loss is easy! [the crowd cheers] And I promise you, I will always be your faithful leader in easy weight loss!
Some men: Alright! [more cheering]
Cartman: That guy ate all the sandwiches he wanted and lost weight. He is so cool.
Scene Description: South Park, later. A knock is heard and a door opens. Jared is seen eating a sub at a desk. A worker peaks in.
Worker: Mr. Fogle, some fans wanted to see if you'd sign their sandwich?
Jared: Sure, let 'em in. [the worker lets the boys in and Jared spins around to face them] Hi kids. [the room Jared is in is a dressing room]
Butters: Wow, Jared!
Kyle: Dude! Did you really lose all that weight eating nothing but sub sandwiches?
Jared: I sure did! And- Well- Well I, I also had a little help on the side.
Stan: What kind of help?
Jared: Well, eating sub sandwiches was a big part of it. But the way that I lost so much weight was that I got aides.
Cartman: A- AIDS?
Jared: That's right. I got aides about two years ago and I've been losing weight ever since. It's amazing how slim you can get with aides.
Stan: I'll bet you can.
Jared: Would you like to meet them?
Kyle: [steps backwards] Them?
Jared: My aides. Scott! Tyler! [moves to the door. The two aides come in and Jared stands behind them. Then he looks at the blond to his left] Scott is my personal trainer [looks at the light brunet to his right] and Tyler is my dietitian.
Scott, Tyler: Hello.
Kyle: Oh, "A I D E S," aides.
Jared: Yep. Hooray for aides!
Kyle: Well, that's not really what you say in the commercial.
Jared: I know. You kinda have to read the fine print at the bottom of the screen. It says I only ate a half-sized lean turkey sandwich with no mustard or mayo or anything like that and then had proper diet and exercise aides.
Kyle: But you're lying to people. If they knew that you didn't eat just all the sandwiches you want, you might not be so popular.
Jared: Y- you think so. Well, why... should it matter?
Kyle: It matters, dude. [Jared begins to think...]
Jared: Hmmm.
Scene Description: Main Street, moments later. The boys walk along...
Kyle: That penisbutt didn't lose weight eating sub sandwiches. He lost weight because he ate less of them and exercised.
Stan: Yeah, it's only in America that somebody can become famous just because they go from being a big fatass to not being a big fatass.
Cartman: Oh-my-god! [turns around] You guys! I think I'm having a genius moment. Yes. Yes! Its coming to me now.
Kyle: Tha- that's diarrhea.
Cartman: Noo. Don't you see what this all means? Anybody could do what he did. What's to stop someone else from going to say, City Wok, and cutting a deal with them? Say they'll eat nothing but their Chinese food, but then eat only a little tiny bit of it and exercise.
Stan: [following] Then City Wok could say their food makes them lose weight.
Cartman: [softly] That's right Stan. [bolder] It's a cash cow, I tell you.
Kyle: That's a great idea!
Cartman: Lose weight and make money... I tell you this is gonna be the greatest thing that Butters has ever done.
Butters: [surprised, steps backwards] Me?!
Cartman: Weh- who do you think I'm talkin' about, Butters? Joyce de Witt?
Butters: Oh, no, I thought you meant you. Eh, you're the fat one.
Cartman: I can't lose weight, Butters, 'cause I'm not fat. I'm big-boned. You can't slim down bones, stupid!
Kyle: But Butters isn't fat.
Cartman: That's my whole point. First we fatten him up, then we make the deal with City Wok, then take the weight back off.
Stan: He's right. If Butters is naturally skinny, he'll be able to take the weight off faster.
Butters: But fellas, if I get fat my parents will ground me.
Cartman: Oh, come on! Just think about how famous you'll be!
Butters: You mean like Jared?
Kyle: Yeah dude! You'll be just like Jared!
Butters: [angrily] Well the heck with that! You said Jared was a penis-butt!
Stan: You wouldn't be a penis-butt, Butters, you'd be famous. Just think about all those people following you around, singing songs to you just because you lost some weight... His name is Butters, it's Butters. [the boys begin to sway for each line]
Cartman: He used to be fat but not no more [Butters brightens up]
Kyle: City Wok brought him down to a size 4.
Stan: Now, he's got lots of moneys and girls.
Cartman: [slowing] and a lifetime of free food at City Wok.
Butters: [beaming] Wow.
Scene Description: Le Place Restaurant, night. Jared is dining with a woman inside.
Jared: Christine, you know I love you very much, and I, I can't wait for the wedding.
Christine: I love you too, Jared. You've changed my whole life. Her name is Jonez, Christine Jonez She lost forty pounds when she met Jared-
Jared: Yeh, I know I know, I know. But uh... some young boys were talkin' to me earlier, and... it made me think that people might not be so proud of my weight loss if they knew something.
Christine: Jared, what's this all about?
Jared: Uh, Christine, this isn't probably gonna matter to you at all, but... I have aides.
Christine: What?!
Jared: Yeah, I have aides. I've had aides since before we were together. [Christine's jaw drops] What, what are you thinking? Are you bummed?
Christine: Am I bummed?! [moves her chair away from Jared and faces him] You've had AIDS all this time and you knew it?!
Jared: Well of course I knew it.
Christine: Why the hell wouldn't you tell me?!
Jared: I didn't think it was that big of a deal.
Christine: Not that big of a deal?! I slept with you!
Jared: Aren't you overreacting a little bit?
Christine: Well, Jesus Christ! We're supposed to get married!
Jared: We can still get married Christine, I mean, sure, they're my aides now, but after we get married... they'll be our aides [Christine sobs] You'll love having aides, Christine, you really will. And when we have children, they'll have aides. It'll make things so simple! [Christine throws up her arms, rises from her chair, and runs out of the restaurant sobbing] Christine! [rises and moves to follow Christine, but stops to think] Jeez, those boys were right. People really don't like aides. I'd better tell everyone the truth.
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, next day. The boys enter the kitchen to get their meals.
Chef: Hello there, children.
Kyle: Chef, we need Butters to gain about fifty pounds fast.
Chef: Fifty pounds? Why?
Cartman: Uuuh, school project.
Chef: Well, if you want him to get really fat as fast as possible, one of you will have to marry him.
Stan: Marry him?
Chef: It definitely worked for every woman I ever met.
Butters: Oh, no, no, no! I ain't gettin' married; my parents will ground me!
Kyle: Yeah, none of us wanna marry Butters.
Butters: [self-conscious] Well, uh, how come? What's wrong with me?
Chef: Well, I guess we're gonna have to do this the old-fashioned way. Come on back, children. [all of them move away from the counter and towards the back]
Scene Description: The kitchen, food preparation area. The camera pans across the table showing pots, pans, and dishes with food all over the place. It rests on Butters trying to finish off a plate, but struggling.
Butters: Ugh. [sets his plate down] Wuh, wuh, I can't eat no more.
Kyle: You have to! Here, have some more mayonnaise. [scoops out a tablespoon and hands it to Butters, but Butters doesn't take it. Chef enters and Butters begins to throw up]
Stan: [notices] Chef, we need more food.
Chef: I'm runnin' out, children. [leaves. Butters vomits some more]
Cartman: Damnit Butters! Keep eating or I'll kick you till you're deader than Kenny!
Stan: [soberly] Dude, that isn't cool. You shouldn't joke about Kenny being dead. Enough time hasn't passed.
Cartman: So how long until we can joke about it?
Kyle: Twenty-two point three years. That's how long it takes for something tragic to become funny.
Cartman: Wugh, that's a long time to wait.
Butters: Wull I can't eat no more. I-I just keep pukin' it up.
Cartman: Then eat your puke.
Butters: No!
Cartman: Oh, come on! Japanese girls do it. [Butters looks at Cartman, then at his puke. Reluctantly he scoops it up and eats it.]
Scene Description: Kenny McCormick Memorial Town Square, later.
Subway Representative: Ladies and gentlemen, we at Subway are happy to inform you that Jared has elected to stay in South Park in order to speak to you once again! [the crowd oohs and aaha]
Man 1: He's going to speak with us once again!
Subway Representative: So, here he is, Jared! [the crowd cheers, and Jared is again walking towards them, grinning]
Singer: He's still lookin' good, eatin' them sandwiches all the time...[Jared walks up on stage and takes the podium]
Jared: Thank you-hoo, thank you all. Subway is a healthy way to eat fast food and lose weight!
Subway Representative: All right! [pumps his arm as the crowd reacts]
Jared: But, [the crowd quiets down] I feel like I need to come a little clean about something, uh-... it wasn't just Subway sandwiches that made me thin.
Subway Representative: ...Huh?
Jared: The reason I was able to lose so much weight so quickly was that I got aides. [grins with relief. The rep's jaw drops.]
Man 2: Huh?
Man 3: What?
Man 4: Did he say AIDS?
Jared: But I still wanna be the leader in a fitter America, and so I'm here to tell you, that you should ALL go out and get aides! [the crowd immediately begins to disperse]
Man 2: Oh my God!
A woman: Is he serious?
Jared: Having aides - is - awesome! With aides you can literally watch the fat melt away! And with the proper mix of aides and Subway sandwiches, anything is possible! [the rep, looking on in dismay, has had enough and pushes Jared out of the way to take the mic]
Subway Representative: Uh, the opinions expressed by Mr. Fogle are not necessarily those of the Subway Company. [Jared soothes his left arm a bit]
Scene Description: Cartman's living room, some days later. Stan is measuring Butters' girth and grins at the result. Camera zooms out.
Kyle: Wow! He looks great!
Stan: How do you feel, Butters?
Butters: W-well, k-kinda like Cartman. [Cartman slaps Butters and shakes him] Aw!
Cartman: Get a hold of yourself, man!
Stan: Alright, now it's time for phase 2.
Scene Description: City Wok, moments later. The boys walk towards it and enter. The owner greets them.
Tuong Lu Kim: Welcome to Shitty Wok. You rike to try Shitty Chicken today?
Cartman: Sir, we have come to offer you the business deal of a lifetime.
Tuong Lu Kim: You want the Shitty Beef?
Kyle: Nope. We wanna show the world how healthy your food is. Our fat friend here is going to lose forty pounds eating at Shitty Wok.
Tuong Lu Kim: Which one? I see two fat friends.
Cartman: [pointing to Butters] The fat one!
Stan: We're gonna take before and after photos, and then, when he gets skinny from eating your food, we'll show the world.
Tuong Lu Kim: ...Why?
Kyle: Because then you can pay us to use our friend in commercials.
Tuong Lu Kim: Oh! You mean like-a Jared?!
Cartman: Just like Jared.
Tuong Lu Kim: His name is Jared, he lose some weight. Shitty Wok food sure is great. Yeah, okay. That sound good. Saw if he lose weight eating Shitty Wok, I pay use to use him in commercial.
The Boys: All right!
Cartman: Sir, we are in business!
Scene Description: Subway company boardroom, day. Jared has been called in to see the board.
Subway Representative: [second from left] Jared, first of all we want to say that all of us here at Subway appreciate everything you've done for our company.
Jared: [happily] Well, I appreciate your company doing everything it's done for me.
Subway Rep 2: [second from right] Yes, well, it is now the opinion of all of us that perhaps it would be best for you to take your... strange theories on weight loss elsewhere.
Jared: [crestfallen] ...'Scuse me... am I being fired?
Subway Rep 3: [center] Jared, it's just that your new take on weight loss is contrary to our commitment to good health.
Jared: How so?
Subway Representative: Well, your new slogan, for instance. [clears his throat] "When it comes to fitness, Subway goes hand in hand with aides."
Jared: [softly] Ah-hah. [he rises and leaves the "SANDWICH MARKETING" building with hands in pockets. He closes the door and walks away dejectedly. He passes a basketball court where a few people are shooting baskets. He looks at them as he passes by. Then he stops, looks at the camera, sighs, and]
Singer: His name is Jared. Jared lost weight eating Subway, now he's cold and alone and with no place to call his home. He liked sandwiches with Philadelphia cream cheese.
Scene Description: Flex Gym Fitness Club, day.
Cartman: [heard from the outside] Come on, Butters, you gotta get skinny again! [the camera goes inside. People are exercising on all sorts of equipment. A woman runs by on a track on the second floor. Butters is pulling at a rowing machine as Cartman spots him. Cartman is eating Cheesy Poofs and barking orders] You are such a flabby hunk of crap! Look at those jelly rolls! Jelly rolls I tell ya!! You still got seven chins, boah! You'll never be thin!! Nobody loves you!
Butters: [looks at Cartman] Wuh hey now, they do too! Uh, my mom and dad - love me even if I am fat.
Cartman: [normal] Butters, I'm just trying to offer some motivational help here.
Butters: Well alright then.
Cartman: [barking] Row you fat bitch! Look at those jelly rolls! Nobody loves you! You're not even a person!
Scene Description: Jared's dressing room, day. Jared paces the room eating a sub sandwich.
Jared: I never asked to be famous; now everyone hates me! I almost wish I had never gotten aides! [his aides come in]
Tyler: Hey now, come on. What kind of talk is that?
Jared: I'm sorry, guys, but I...I think I wanna be aides-free for a while.
Scott: Come on, Jared, lighten up! People don't hate you.
Tyler: Yeah. Maybe they're all just jealous that they can't afford to hire their own aides.
Jared: [brightening] Wait a minute... you're right! [moves towards the camera] Yeah! I think I know how to be a celebrity again! [heads for the door]
Scene Description: City Wok, outside, later. Cartman and Kyle wait on Stan as he arrives.
Stan: Did you bring the camera?
Kyle: Yeah, we're all set.
Cartman: [steps in between them] Guys, I think this might be a good time to discuss some business.
Kyle: Well, what do you mean?
Cartman: Well, when City Wok sees how skinny Butters is, they're not gonna want him to just make one commercial, they're gonna want several.
Stan: That's true. Jared did like a hundred for Subway Sandwiches.
Cartman: I think we're looking at a non-exclusive two-year fifty-picture deal here. My calculations put that at about four million dollars.
Kyle: Wow! [he and Stan are awed]
Cartman: Now, I think the four million should be split evenly among the three of us, except that I should get a twenty percent per negation fee off the gross for having come up with the idea.
Butters: [arrives as Cartman speaks] Hey fellas.
Stan: Butters?! What the hell are you doing?!
Kyle: Yeah, you're still fat!
Butters: Well, I know, ah I can't seem to lose it.
Cartman: Well we're supposed to shoot your commercial today, you fat piece of crap!
Butters: Well ah I don't know what to tell ya. Losin' weight is harder than puttin' it on.
Cartman: No it isn't, stupid blubberbutt!
Stan: [Kyle finally produces the camera] Did you eat only one ounce of City Wok like we told you?!
Butters: Well uh yeah, but ah, I don't know...
Kyle: Why are you doing this to us?!
Scene Description: Butters' house, later. The boys have prepared a makeshift operating table on the coffee table in the living room. Kyle reads from a medical book, Cartman has a suction tube and pail, and Stan is overseeing the operation.
Stan: All prepared for liposuction surgery?
Cartman: Check.
Butters: Uh, I don't know about this, fellas.
Stan: [shoots back] Hey, you're the one who screwed us by not losing weight, Butters. [Cartman makes sure the scalpel is sharp]
Kyle: [faces Stan] Okay, it says here the operation begins with a one-inch incision in the ab-do-men on the left side just above the hip.
Cartman: That should blah [babbles a bit] ah- here. [cuts into Butters' abdomen]
Butters: [reacts] Woahhh!
Cartman: Oh stop your bitchin' Butters! Kenny woulda took it like a man!
Kyle: Okay, now put one end of the tube a half an inch into the incision. [Cartman picks up one end of the tube and inserts it into the incision]
Cartman: Alrighty.
Butters: Whoa. I think this is a bad idea, fellas. I feel woozy.
Cartman: Alright, I think it's in. [turns around]
Kyle: The liposuction is a process of siphoning out the excess fat. [Cartman stalls, then picks up the other end and starts sucking the fat out]
Cartman: [spits out the hose as soon as the fat hits his lips] Bohogh, egh. [puts the hose into the pail for the fat to collect]
Butters: Waaaahh!
Cartman: There it goes.
Kyle: Alright, it's working!
Cartman: [wipes away a bit of fat remaining on his lips] Aw man, it tastes like that, um, you know that cream-chipped-beef stuff that Chef makes sometimes.
Butters: Aahh heh ahh, I don't feel very good.
Stan: Shut up, Butters, it's your own damned fault.
Butters: Everything's getting dark...
Stan: We've gotta hurry this up. [moves behind the coffee table to Butter's belly and starts pounding on it. The fat begins flowing out faster]
Cartman: [looks at the fat flowing out] Oh yeah, keep doing that. That's working good.
Stan: He's losing weight. [Kyle smiles]
Cartman: Oh, whoa. Whoa! [the fat rushes out so quickly the tube begins to buck, splattering fat and blood all over the place]
Kyle: It's out of control! [Stan has stopped pounding, but the fat is pulsing out and Cartman can't control it.. Butters gets thinner by the second and headed for shock]
Butters: Whoa, everything's getting sparkly. [the sound of a car pulling up is heard]
Stan: Oh no, dude, Butters' parents are home.
Cartman: Oh, crap!
Stan: Dude, bail! [the three boys rush out the back door, then the front door opens and Butter's parents walk in. The living room is a mess]
Linda: Butters? Butters?!
Butters: [listlessly] Mom. Dad.
Stephen: Butters. Are you having liposuction surgery? Tell me the truth!
Butters: Yes sir.
Linda: This is unbelievable! How many times have we told you not to have self-perform liposuction surgery in our house?!
Butters: Four times, mom.
Stephen: Well, I guess that wasn't enough! You get up to your room right now, mister!
Butters: Yes, sir. [rises and... struggles. He falls off the coffee table to the floor. Stephen isn't fazed, but Linda is affected]
Stephen: Oh, huh- Don't you give us that look young man! You're gonna get it!
Scene Description: News 4 News, day. A field reporter stands in front of the Mayor's office. The mayor and her aides are present.
Reporter: Tom, I'm standing out in front of the Mayor's office, where the big liar, Jared, is once again about to speak. Apparently, Jared hopes to regain his celebrity hero status, which was lost when he announced that it was AIDS, not sub sandwiches, that caused him to lose weight. Let's listen in.
Scene Description: The podium. Jared stands behind it.
Jared: Ladies and gentlemen, a-at first I didn't understand why you felt betrayed by the fact that my aides helped me to lose weight, but now I understand that it isn't fair that- I had aides and most of you don't. And so, with all the money I've made from commercials, I have decided to start the Aides for Everyone Foundation!
Jimbo: What?!
Jared: I am going to personally see to it that each and every one of you gets aides! [a long silence follows as the audience just looks at Jared]
Mayor McDaniels: This guy's insane.
Jared: But I won't stop there. I'm gonna seek out all the underprivileged and hungry children of the world, and I'm going to give them aides myself!
Chef: You're gonna give children AIDS?!
Jared: Yes, it is my hope that every beautiful child on this earth has aides by next month! Aides for everyone! [another long silence]
Skeeter: Get him! [the crowd begins to move forward angrily and Jared leaves the podium]
Scene Description: Butters' house, some days later. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman show up at the front door, and Cartman rings the bell.
Stan: Come on, Butters. Time to go.
Butters: Uh- go where?
Kyle: To City Wok so we can make our money. God!
Butters: I can't go anywhere, fellas. I've been grounded for havin' liposuction... surgery. [lifts his shorts to show the bandage over the scar]
Stan: What?
Butters: Wuh well I told you my parents would be sore, and they said for... havin' liposuction surgery, I can't play outside for five days.
Cartman: Dude, we just need you to come down to City Wok real quick so they can see how skinny you are!
Butters: [counts off] Well you guys have already got me in Dutch for gettin' fat, and then I got in double-Dutch for... havin' liposuction, and now you're askin' me to be in triple Dutch?! [moves his hands palms down to wash his hands of any more trouble] Huh-uh! I'll never be that Dutch!
Stan: ...Kenny would have done it.
Kyle: Yep.
Cartman: Do you guys remember what a cool friend Kenny was? [whispers] God. [normally] He was always up for helpin' us out; man, he was the best friend ever.
Butters: Look, fellas, I can't do it! My mom and dad call in every hour from work to make sure I am here. If I don't answer the ph-phone, it'll know I'm- I'm up to no good!
Cartman: Alright alright, I'll stay here and answer the phone for you.
Butters: No- but you don't sound like me.
Cartman: [begins sounding something like Butters. Kyle looks on] Well, you don't sound like me. My name is Butters and I'm a little pussy who won't help his friends make money.
Kyle: Wow, that was pretty good.
Stan: Alright, it's settled. Come on, Butters. [pulls Butters out the door. Cartman enters the house]
Cartman: Don't forget, a third of that four million dollars is mine! [the others leave and he closes the door]
Scene Description: Stotch living room, inside. Cartman moves to the sofa.
Cartman: Eh. [makes himself comfortable on the sofa and turns on the TV. He grunts a bit] Eh. Yeah. [the phone rings; he answers] Well hello?
Stephen: [at an office full of cubicles] I'm just checking in on you, Butters. [a woman walks down the aisle behind him] Uh, do I hear the television? We told you no television while you're grounded!
Cartman: Oh, gee whiz, I'm not.. watchin' television, Dad, I'm just... layin' around jackin' it.
Stephen: Jacking it? Jacking what?
Cartman: Well my hot spicy boner, of course, Dad.
Stephen: WHAT?! Are you trying to get yourself in more trouble with that kind of language?!
Cartman: Ah, loosen up, you bloody vaginal belch.
Stephen: Oh, you're gonna get it, mister! Just wait until I get home!
Cartman: Bring it on, queer bait. [hangs up] Aaaahhhh, yes! [puts his arms behind his head, quite satisfied with himself]
Scene Description: Day, somewhere. Jared has a bat and is beating the hell out of something...
Jared: ...I tell my [paf] girlfriend I have aides and she leaves, I tell the [paf] world to get aides and they think I'm crazy, I offer to give aides to kids and everyone wants me [paf] dead! [the camera pulls back and the thing Jared is beating is a dead horse. Literally] What's wrong with [paf] aides?! Why doesn't anyone want me to give them [paf] aides?! [the crowd arrives with torches, charging noisily]
Herbert Garrison: There he is, beatin' that dead horse!
Man in Crowd: Alright!
Jimbo: Let's get him! [the crowd charges forward and Jared runs away again]
Jared: Aahhh!
Scene Description: City Wok. Stan, Kyle, and Butters arrive and enter.
Tuong Lu Kim: Welcome ta Shitty Wok. Take your order prease.
Kyle: We have great news! Our friend has lost forty pounds eating your City Wok food. Here's the before and after photos.
Tuong Lu Kim: He lose weight eating Shitty Wok?
Stan: That's right! So now you can pay us to use him in your commercials and you'll have your very own Jared!
Tuong Lu Kim: Oh no, no way! I not putting no Jared in my Shitty Wok commercial!
Kyle: Uh, why not?
Tuong Lu Kim: Don't you know? Everybody hate Jared. He want everyone in world to have AIDS. He sick in the head.
Stan: What?!
Tuong Lu Kim: I don't want Shitty Wok have nothing to do with Jared land his AIDS.
Stan: Wait. Everyone hates Jared now?
Tuong Lu Kim: Yah they, they gonna kill him. They gonna kill Jared downtown right now.
Stan: Ugh, come on guys, we gotta sort this out. [the boys exit the store]
Scene Description: Butters' house, living room. Cartman has eaten quite a bit of food (soda, milk, candy, Cheesy Poofs) and is watching TV - a Terrance & Phillip episode. Only their voices are heard.
Phillip: Here's a man's fart for ya. [farts, laughs]
Terrance: God no! [laughs again, and Cartman joins in. The phone rings] Oh, Phillip, your anthrax has given me colon cancer!
Cartman: [answering] Hello?
Linda: [calling in from her office] Butters, your father called and said you made him very upset!
Cartman: Yeah, well, Dad's being a little pussy, Mom.
Linda: [stunned, then] Butters, where did you get that kind of smart mouth?!
Cartman: Uh not from you dumbasses, that's for sure.
Linda: OH, you just WAIT until I get home, mister!
Cartman: Oh, I'll be waiting with horse bells on, you old... horse-bangin' skank. [hangs up] Eh. [resumes eating]
Terrance: Ey! There's some anthrax over there! [farts, then roars with laughter]
Phillip: Oh no, hahahahahahaha.
Scene Description: Downtown, Mayor's office, outside, day. The crowd has captured Jared and taken him back downtown. A gallows is set up and Jared has had the noose placed around his neck. Two men finish and walk off. The Mayor stands off to one side with her aides.
Jared: Why did I ever do those stupid commercials?
Mayor McDaniels: Alright, Jared, you sick pervert! Do you have anything to say before you die?!
Kyle: [offscreen] Wait! [the boys run up to the gallows platform] You're all making a mistake!
Chef: Stand back, children! Jared wants to give you AIDS!
Stan: No, you don't understand. Jared doesn't have "AIDS," AIDS, he has assistants. Two guys that help him lose weight that he calls his aides.
People in Crowd: [softly] Oh.
Mayor McDaniels: You mean, Jared's aides are like my aides?
Jared: Yes. ...Y-you mean you all thought...? Oh my Gosh!
Skeeter: Oh boy, do I feel stupid.
Gerald: Oh we're so sorry, Jared.
Jared: No no, hey it was my fault. I can't believe I- I, I didn't think of what I was saying! [giggles]
Chef: Eh so he was saying, children should have help like he had! [laughs]
Randy: Yeah! That has got to be about the biggest misunderstanding ever! [several people laugh]
Jared: [laughing] Oh my God! I told my girlfriend I wanted her to share my aides - oh, no wonder she left!
Herbert Garrison: [laughing] Cuh-can you imagine what we thought when you said, "Aides for Everyone Foundation?"
Jared: Oh, brother!
Skeeter: Aha- [stops and realizes something] ...Hey. We're all laughing. [everyone stops and listens]
Mr. Mackey: Uh hey, yeah. We, we woulda never laughed about this before.
Randy: Well don't you see what this means? It's been 22.3 years, so... AIDS is finally funny!
People in Crowd: Ooo.
Mayor McDaniels: He's right. It happened!
Jimbo: Hey everybody! AIDS is finally funny!
People in Crowd: Alright! Yay! Woohoo! [fireworks come up out of nowhere] Hooray!
Mr. Mackey: I knew it would be funny someday! [laughs] AIDS!
Herbert Garrison: Then it's time... We can undo the banner! [fanfare comes up, and a man pulls a curtain away to reveal a huge golden plaque reading "AIDS IS FINALLY FUNNY" Ooohs and aaahs follow.]
Scene Description: Cut to Times Square, where the crawl reads "3-06-02 AIDS HAS BEEN OFFICIALLY DECLARED FUNNY"
New Yorker: Hooray!
Scene Description: Cut to Mayor's office, outside. Everyone now has party hats on and are celebrating. The field reporter resumes reporting.
Reporter: Tom, I'm standing in the town square where just moments ago it was declared that AIDS... can finally be joked about. What a great day for humanity.
Herbert Garrison: [laughs, then] "AIDS quilt" [resumes laughing. The crowd disperses and Tuong Lu Kim finds the boys]
Tuong Lu Kim: Oh boy, this is fantastic! I so grad AIDS is funny now.
Stan: Okay, so now, do you wanna use our friend in your commercials?
Tuong Lu Kim: Sure 'kay. I pay you fifteen dowlars.
Stan: Fifteen dowlar? But... Jared got millions!
Tuong Lu Kim: Hey, I'm not a-Subway, I Shitty Wok. Shitty Wok don't have... million dollars.
Stan: [takes off his hat and throws it on the ground] Oh God-damnit!
Kyle: Aw, just forget the whole thing then!
Tuong Lu Kim: Okay. [walks off, returns] Hey, you kids know why chicken cross the road?
Stan: Why?
Tuong Lu Kim: 'Cause it has AIDS. [laughs. The boys just look at him oddly] AIDS so funny! [walks away laughing]
Stan: Well, so much for our money.
Kyle: Yeah, but you know, I've learned something today. It would have been wrong to exploit Butters' weight loss. Because then lots of fat people would have believed it. And then gone and eaten a ton of Chinese food instead of dieting properly. They'd still be fat and, we'd be responsible for their shattered dreams.
Butters: Yeah, I don't like shattering fat peoples' dreams. Besides, I'd get grounded. [gasps] Oh, Jesus! I'm supposed to be grounded! [rushes away]
Scene Description: Butters' house, minutes later. Butters rushes to the front door.
Butters: Huh. Huh, uh, uh.
Cartman: [opens the door in anticipation] There you are, Butters!
Butters: [nervous] Wuh-are my... mom and dad back home yet?
Cartman: No, but they're due home any minute. Come on, you're just in time!
Butters: Hoh boy! Mom and Dad didn't... find out I... left the house, did they?
Cartman: No, I totally covered for you. They completely believed I was you on the phone!
Butters: Hu-oh! Goody!
Cartman: Here you go. [hands Butters some drawings] I drew some pictures with crayons so it looks like you were here all day. And I ate a little food so it looks like you ate, and I fed your cat.
Butters: Uh- perfect.
Cartman: Alright I'd better get out of here before they get back. [makes his way to the door]
Butters: Uh hey, uh Eric? [Cartman turns around] Uh- thanks for coverin' for me. You're a real pal.
Cartman: Butters, it was my pleasure. [pulls out his mittens and opens the door, then puts them on. He heads for the sidewalk humming a late night theme song, then turns around to frame the house with his fingers, then walks away]
Scene Description: Butters' house, outside. Cartman, still humming, returns with a beach chair, some popcorn, and soda, and sets them up on the front lawn. He then sits down to watch the coming show. Two cars pull up; it's Butters' parents rushing home. They exit their cars and angrily head for the door. They enter...
Butters: Hi, Mom and Dad!
Stephen: Don't you "Hi, Mom and Dad" us, you little punk!!! [Punch]
Butters: Ow! Dad?
Linda: You don't even know the trouble you're in, mister!! [Punch]
Butters: Ah! What did I do?! What did I do?!
Stephen: You think you're tough now!!? Answer me!!! [a belt is heard coming off and whipping Butters]
Butters: Aaaa!!! [the beating continues]
Cartman: Aw, man, if I was older, I would totally start jacking off right now.


Scene Description: Butters' house, night, kitchen. Linda is serving drinks. The Marshes and the Broflovskis are at table. Sheila holds Ike on her lap.
Sharon: Thanks for having us all over for dinner, Chris and Linda.
Sheila: Yes, it was fabulous!
Linda: Oh, we're just really happy that your boys have become such good friends with our little Butters!
Stephen: Yeah. We figure that if our boys are gonna be great friends, we should all get to be friends, too.
Linda: Friends, by default. [giggles]
Randy: Well, our boys do seem to be spending a lot of time together lately. I think ever since their friend Kenny died they've been looking for someone to fill the void.
Stephen: Well, our son is a perfect void-filler. It's nice that he finally has your sons to be his best buddies!
Scene Description: Butters' house, living room. The four boys sit on the sofa looking at television, except Butters is asleep at one end.
Cartman: [alerting the other two] Look you guys, Butters is asleep.
Stan: He's such a douchebag.
Cartman: Hey! Have you guys ever seen this trick? [drops down] When someone's sleeping, you can take a glass of warm water, [takes a glass of water and brings it to Butters' hand] and you put their hand in it... [dunks Butters' hand in it]
Stan: [watches as Cartman climbs the sofa] Yeah, and then what?
Cartman: And then, you pee on it! [drops his pants and pees on Butters' hand] heheh-heheheheheheheh.
Kyle: No, dude, you're supposed to put their hand in warm water and it makes them pee.
Cartman: [still peeing] Oh, really? ...Oh well, heh, heheheheh, heh.
Scene Description: Butters' house, kitchen. Conversation goes on.
Stephen: And we were thinking, since they've all become such close friends, how great it would be for us to all go together to Aspen for a ski weekend.
Gerald: A-Aspen? Uuuh, we, we can't really afford that.
Stephen: No, you see, Linda and I found this ad where you can get two night free at a condo in Aspen if you attend a time-share presentation.
Randy: They let you stay for free?
Stephen: Yes! And all we have to do is attend a thirty-minute meeting!
Sheila: Well that sounds like a good deal.
Randy: Sounds good to me; let's go this weekend!
Sheila: Oh, boy! Skiing in Aspen! I can't wait! [an '80s tune begins to play. A shot of the boys in the living room, then the adults pour in from the kitchen]
Stephen: Hey boys! We're all going to Aspen for the weekend!
Stan, Kyle, Cartman: All right! [Butters stirs awake]
Butters: Wow, a ski trip with my new best buddies! [feels some tension as he stretches] Oh, I'm all sticky. [wipes his hands on the sofa and cushions]
Scene Description: The Rocky Mountains, day. Stephen Stotch drives all three families and Cartman off to Aspen.
Stephen: Here we are, everyone. [Before them lies a valley with many buildings in it. Next to the station wagon is a sign reading "WELCOME TO ASPEN"]
Scene Description: They proceed into town, a tourist mecca, passing all sorts of high-priced tony stores. The scene freezes, and the new title comes up: "South Park in Aspen", then the scene continues. The adults are in happy awe as a woman walks by with her two poodles in front of a jewelry store. The next shot is of the four boys looking out marveling at the sights. They pass a man snorting cocaine in plain view in front of Bernie's. Next shot is of a resort in which a skier finishes his ski run. The entrance is shown: "Aspen Heaven: A Time-Share Community." The station wagon stops in front of a condominium complex and everyone gets out, making their way to the entrance. Fade out.
Scene Description: Fade in, next morning. The adults sit around a coffee table while the kids sit at the dining table eating breakfast behind them. The adults are getting dressed for the day.
Sheila: Oh, this is gonna be so much fun; I haven't skied in years!
Stephen: Where are Butters and Eric?
Stan: They're still asleep.
Stephen: Butters? Eric? Come on! We gotta get to the powder! [a knock on the door, and Linda rises to answer it. Two men enter]
Phil: [brunet] Hello, folks, I'm Phil and this is Josh [a blond]. We're with the Aspen Time-Share Company. [the other parents gather 'round]
The parents: Hello.
Josh: You folks enjoying the condo?
Sheila: It's lovely. Thank you.
Scene Description: The dining table.
Cartman: You guys, you guys! You're not gonna believe this, this is so funny!
Kyle: What?
Cartman: So last night, while Butters was asleep, I gave him a Hitler.
Stan: What's a Hitler?
Cartman: You know, when somebody is sleeping and you put your finger up your butt and then, wipe it on their upper lip to give them a little Hitler mustache? You've never Hitlered anyone?
Stan: No, I never have.
Cartman: Shh-shh, here he comes.
Butters: Goooood mornin', fellas! All set to go skiin'?! [Cartman starts laughing] A-huh, u-uh, uh what's so funny?
Cartman: [knowingly] Nothing, Butters. Right, guys?!
Scene Description: The front door.
Phil: Well, we can't wait to show you what Aspen Time-Share is offering investors. Shall we do our thirty-minute meeting?
Randy: Oh, do we have to do it right now?
Josh: Well, best to do it and get it out of the way.
Stephen: Okay. [Phil and Josh leave, Sheila steps forward, and the adults begin to exit]
Sheila: Boys, we have to go to this time-share presentation real quick, but you go meet your ski instructor on the bunny hill.
The Boys: Okay.
Stephen: We'll meet you boys on the slopes. [exits and closes the door]
Butters: Hey, do you guys smell that?
Stan: Smell what?
Butters: Ehh, it kind of smells stinky in this condo. [Cartman chuckles]
Cartman: I don't smell anything. Do you guys? [bursts out laughing. Stan and Kyle just look at him as Butters looks up, wondering...]
Scene Description: Music fades in. Exterior shots of the resort are shown .The bunny slope is shown. Lifts go up and down as kids practice skiing moves. The four boys and Ike are shown waiting for their instructor.
Butters: Do you guys smell that? It smells bad out here, too. I'm starting to think this whole town smells like doodoo.
Cartman: Yeah, well, that's why they call it Asspen. [laughs at his cleverness. A skier skis up to them]
Thumper: All right, little dudes, [sets his skis aside] great to see you out here. My name is Thumper, and I'm gonna be your cool ski instructor. [gives the boys two thumbs up]
Cartman: [to Stan] His name is Thumper?
Thumper: We're gonna take it slow, take it easy, make sure everybody has a goood time. 'Cause what is skiing about? Having a good...? [puts his left hand to his ear, hoping for an answer. The boys just look at him] Time, that's right. Now, just a few safety things to keep in mind: First of all, look straight ahead when you ski. You look down, you're gonna fall, you're gonna have a bad time. Also, be aware of skiers around you. You run into another skier, your skis are gonna cross, gonna have a bad time.
Butters: So where's the part where we have a good time?
Thumper: Hey, little dude, you got some crap right here. [motions to the nose, where Butters does indeed have crap]
Butters: Wuh, that's my face, sir.
Thumper: Alright, we're gonna do this without any poles until we know our two primary feet positions. To go slow, we wedge our skis together [he puts his indices and thumbs together; front ski tips touch], in the shape of a slice of pizza. Then to go faster, we put 'em parallel, like... French fries. [begins to drift forward] You see that? [wedges the skis] Pizza, [lines up the skis] French fries, [wedges the skis] Pizza, [lines up the skis] French fries. [moves farther away each time]
Butters: Ah-hey, this is gonna be just like eatin' at Shakey's, huh fellas?
Thumper: Okay, let's have the little dude at the end try first! What's your name?
Ike: Iiiiike!
Thumper: Okay, Mike, ski down to me! [Ike looks down the hill, but doesn't move]
Kyle: Go on, Ike.
Ike: [begins to practice the positions] Pee-za, Fron fries. Pee-za, Fron fries. Fron friiiies. [skis out of control] Peeee-zaaa [skis for a lodge and right through its wall.]
Thumper: Okay, you see what he did?! He French-fried when he should've pizza'd. You French-fry when you pizza, you're gonna have a bad time!
Scene Description: The meeting, meanwhile. Phil and Josh are presenting the time-share plan.
Phil: And so, we think we can convince you to buy one of our combos that's opening right here in Phase 4.
Josh: That sounds like a GREAT investment opportunity!
Gerald: I-I'm sorry, but none of us can really afford to own our own vacation condo.
Randy: Yeah, and to be honest, we're just doing this meeting because of the two nights free deal.
Phil: Oh, I know, that's what everybody says - "Not me, I can't afford it." But what if I told you you could own one of our properties for only eight thousand dollars!
Josh: Wow!
Sheila: For only eight thousand dollars we can buy a condo here?
Phil: Well you see, "time-share" means you buy the condo with about twenty other people like yourselves [exits screen left and immediately enters screen right] You [puts his hands together] "share" the condo with other investors and pick the [points to his watch] "time" you want to stay.
Josh: [makes a fist with his right hand] Share, [makes a fist with his left hand] time. [joins his fists together] Time share.
Randy: So then it's not really ours.
Phil: Sure it is, one twenty-fourth and a half yours! You see, time-share has made it possible for even working-class people like you to say, "I've got a little place in Aspen."
Josh: Try it. Try saying it. "I've got a little place in Aspen."
The parents: I've got a little place in Aspen.
Phil: Rolls off the tongue, doesn't it? Say guys, how'd you like to tell that hot secretary "I've got a nice little place in Aspen?" Hahaha! Just kidding, wives.
Randy: [looks at his watch] Listen uh, it's been thirty minutes. We'd like to go hit the slopes now?
Phil: Woll uh, you still gotta come to the time-share luncheon. We did give you a free condo for the weekend.
Gerald: Well your ad said we only had to attend a thirty-minute meeting.
Phil: Right, but this isn't that meeting. The luncheon is that meeting. [the parents just look at him] Don't worry, you're gonna have a great free meal at the luncheon.
Scene Description: Bunny slope, later.
Kyle: [practicing his moves] ...French fries... pizza... french fries... [does the pizza moves and sees Cartman fallen on his back] come on, Cartman.
Cartman: Ugh, no more., [Kyle skis on. Stan is skiing as well, and another skier comes up to him, showering him with snow]
Tad: Looks like you think you're a pretty good skier, huh, kid?
Stan: Well I'm... catchin' on pretty fast, I guess.
Tad: I've been skiing for twenty-two years. Think you could beat me?
Stan: Uhh... no.
Tad: What's your name, hot shot? [two of his friends join him]
Stan: Stan. Marsh.
Tad: Stan Marsh [laughs] Stan DARSH is more like it.
Skier: Haaaa, Darsh! [his pole is slapped by the first skier's]
Tad: Alright, how about a race, then? You and me.
Stan: Dude, I'm just learning.
Tad: OooooOOOOooo! [starts moving and squawking like a chicken, ending up facing Stan] Looks to me like you're not a "hot shot" after all.
Stan: I never said I was.
Tad: Oooooooo!
Tad's friends: Oooooooo!
Tad: You may think you've got what it takes, but as long as I'm around, you'll always be number two! [the two other skiers left] See ya later, Darsh! [laughs, kicks some snow into Stan's face, and skis away]
Scene Description: The meeting at Aspen Heaven, later. Phil and Josh are still extolling the time-share plan.
Phil: And THAT is why owning a piece of an Aspen condo is not only possible,...
Josh: It's downright smart!
Gerald: Aha. [waiters come in with platters of food]
Phil: Op, here it is! As promised, a fabulous free lunch!
Gerald: Wow, filet mignon' and lobster!
Sharon: [appreciatively] Not bad. [Sheila and the others begin to eat]
Josh: It's nice to feel rich, isn't it.
Sheila: Oh, you know, this is really great.
Stephen: It sure is. [the waiters whisk the plates away]
Randy, Gerald: What?
Randy: Wait...
Phil: You see? That's the great thing about time-share. You get a little taste of luxuries you can't afford.
Josh: And then share it with the people that come tomorrow.
Randy: All right, look, we've been here for over three hours.
Gerald: Yeah. Can we go now, please?
Phil: Of course you can. Go hit those slopes! [softly] If you could just please show me the backs of your table place cards real quick? [the others pick up their cards and look] Oh my God! You got the red sticker!
Josh: They got the red sticker?!
Phil: They got the red sticker!
Stephen: What's the red sticker?
Josh: Uh, well, well, that means if you come up to the condo sales office you'll receive one of three great prizes.
Randy: No, no-no-no-no. We, we did your meeting and we did your lunch, we're finished, okay.
Phil: Okay, okay, fine, I mean... [his voice gradually drops to a whisper] It would only take a second, but, I mean, you know, what did we do for you except, give you a free condo for the weekend. Huh. Seems like you could just... could just come up... and see what prize you had... [Josh begins to cry]
Stephen: O-all right!
Scene Description: The bunny slope, even later. Kyle and Stan are skiing down faster now, mastering the basic pizza-French fries technique.
Stan: ...pizza... french fries... french fries... pizza...
Kyle: ...french fries...pizza...pizza...pizza-french fries...[loses control and jerks forward, then flips over and lands next to Ike, who's half-buried in the snow. Kyle looks over and gets up quickly. He dusts himself off as Stan catches up] I wonder where our parents are.
Stan: Who cares? I'm having more fun on my own.
Tad: [arrives, with his friends close behind] Well well well, if it isn't Stan Darsh!
Stan: [winces and covers his face with his right hand] Oh no.
Tad: Say Darsh, you don't mind if I take Heather out for some fondue tonight, do ya?
Stan: Heather? [a woman skis up and stands next to the skier]
Heather: Sorry, Stan, it's just that when it comes to skiing, Tad has all the right moves.
Tad: I just might show her my moves tonight, if you know what I mean. [giggles]
Heather: You aren't mad, are you, Stan? I mean, a girl's gotta look out for her best interests.
Stan: [just looks at them] ...who are you people?!
Tad: Still don't wanna race me? I told you he was chicken, Heather. Stan Marsh the Darsh! [laughs disdainfully]
Stan: All right dude, if I race you will you leave me alone?
Tad and friends: Oooooooo!
Tad: Alright, fine. You and me at the summit, now!
Stan: Okay.
Tad's friends: Race! Race!
Scene Description: Ski run, moments later. A view from the bottom shows a long run, and the resort's main buildings off to the right near the finish line.
Announcer: Ladies and Gentlemen, Aspen Mountain presents another ex-TREME racing showdown. [the gathering crowd cheers] Seven-time World Aspen champion Tad Mikowski versus eight-year-old Stan Marsh!
Tad: Hah! You're going down, little boy!
Stan: Yeah, prob'ly.
Butters: Do you think Stan has a chance? [the countdown begins. The chutes open and Tad takes off. Stan moves along allowing, sticking to the basic moves] Uh go Stan! [Tad flies down the hill, banking and weaving throughout. Stan appears a few seconds later, going down carefully]
Stan: Fries... fries...
A skier: [Tad zooms past him] He's got it! Tad's gonna win it! [as the crowd cheers, Tad clears the last few hills and then goes through the finish line. He comes to a stop and people gather around him]
Tad: [raising his arms in victory] Yeah! Yeeah! Yeah! You lose, Darsh! [kisses Heather, who reacts. They lock lips. Stan finally crosses the finish line, in the wedge position] Yeah! [Butters, Kyle and Ike walk up to Stan]
Butters: U-u-uh, Stan, yo-you gave it your best shot, and that all Jesus asks of you.
Stan: [drops his poles] Dude, I'm just happy this whole stupid thing is all over with. [a group of young adults walk by carrying Tad high in the air. The group stops, the boys turn around to see]
Tad: [looking down at Stan] No hard feelings, right Darsh?! [starts laughing.. The group moves away. The boys turn left as their eyes follow the group] Yeah!
Teen girl: Stan, [the boys turn to see her] for what it's worth, I think you were really brave.
Stan: Thanks. Who are you?
Teen girl: Hey, all the cool teens are gonna be at the youth center tonight for a dance. I hope you'll come because you're just so... we-hell, you're just so.. well, that's all. [turns around and walks off]
Scene Description: The valley, day. There are three long lines of people waiting to ski. The parents finally make it out of the meeting.
Gerald: Finally, we get to go skiing!
Randy: Oh my God, look how long the lift lines are.
Gerald: Yeah, I guess these passes the time-share salesman gave us will come in handy.
Lift Operator: Can I help you?
Stephen: Yes, we have the special passes to use the exclusive lift from the time-share company?
Lift Operator: Ooooh, go right on ahead, folks.
Sheila: Thank you. [the parents move forward and position themsleves for the lift, which comes down presently. The parents get on and the lift goes up the slope again]
Randy: Well, this certainly is nice.
Gerald: Yeah, we may not have gotten to ski earlier, but with this lift we'll get more runs in than anybody.
Stephen: Have fun waiting in line, suckers! Woohoohoo!
Linda: Oh, Chris. [Randy giggles, then looks up]
Stephen: Hey look, this chair lift goes right into a building. [the lift turns, drops them off, and moves back out.]
Scene Description: Aspen Heaven meeting room, again.
Phil: Welcome back, folks!
Josh: We've got a special offer we can't wait to tell you about!
Randy: Oh, God-damnit!
Scene Description: Aspen Youth Center. Teens enter from all sides. The boys go in as well.
Kyle: Dude, it's been twelve hours. Where the hell are our parents?!
Scene Description: Aspen Youth Center, inside. The boys find themselves on a dance floor listening to a live band.
Teen girl: I'm glad you guys came. Do you like our youth center?
Stan: It seems fine.
Voguing Skier: Yeah, too bad we're getting shut down. That hot-shot skier Tad's father is gonna bulldoze the building.
Voguing Skier 2: Where are all us kids supposed to go?
Stan: Don't care. [the boys go further onto the dance floor]
Kyle: What do you wanna do now?
Stan: I dunno.
Butters: Let's dance. [begins to dance. Cartman watches with dismay. Butters does a bunch of dance moves, including the Moonwalk and some break-dancing]
Cartman: Butters, I hate you with every inch of my body. [the music is stopped and a voice is heard]
Announcer: Alright, Aspen-heh. As a special treat tonight we're proud to have the winner of today's race, Tad Mikowski. [moves off and the crowd begins to cheer as Tad approaches the mic]
Tad: Yeah!
Stan: Oh,. God. [buries his face in his hand again.]
Tad: Hey everyone. [the crowd quiets down] I'd like to sing a little song, if I may.
The ladies: [swooning] Ooooooooo.
Stan: Gah, let's go you guys. [turns around and leads the others towards the door...]
Tad: This is a song I wrote about... Stan Marsh. [Stan stops in his tracks]Staaaaan... Daaaaarsh...Stan. Darsh. Darshy DaaarshStan DaaarshStan Darsh, Stan-darshStan Daaaaarsh DaaarshStan Darsh...
Stan: Dude, what the hell is your problem?!
Tad and friends: OooOOOOOOoooooo!
Stan: I raced you, You won!
Tad: A rematch? Oh, Darsh. You're even dumber than I thought.
Teen Boy: He'll ski you anytime, anywhere!
Teens: Yeah!
Teen girl: [talking to Tad, referring to Stan] But this time, if he wins, you get your dad to not close our youth center.
Stan: What?
Tad: Alright then, let's make it interesting. Tomorrow afternoon. On the K-13. [points at a window. The camera pans to the window, and a lone huge peak is shown. Two teens look and are horrified]
A teen boy: [steps into view] The K-13? But that's the most dangerous run in all of America. [steps away]
Tad: Hell, I'm not chicken! Are you, Darsh?! [starts squawking like a chicken]
Stan: I'll be there, you queen!
Tad: Oh, yeah?!
Stan: Yeah!
Tad: Oh, Darsh, you're even dumber than I thought... Again! See ya tomorrow.
Scene Description: The Youth Center, outside. The boys exit the center.
Butters: Uh you're not really gonna go down that K-13 run, are ya, Stan?
Stan: Dude, I have to!
Kyle: [shoves Stan a bit and faces him] Stan, you can't let that Tad guy get to you. Screw him, dude.
Stan: Dude, he's got Heather!
Kyle: You don't even know Heather!
Stan: I know I know I-, ugh. Look I can't explain it but I have to do this. I'm not gonna die. I mean, how bad can the K-13 be?
Mechanic: [appears out of nowhere] The K-13? You don't wanna go down that run. That run has got a history. Thirty-five people have died goin' down it, and some say you can still see their ghosts up there. It was on that very ski run that a group of students were killed by a wolf-boy who escaped from a mental institution. You see, that ski run was once a burial ground to a tribe of vampire Wichicaw Indians who ate the flesh of children with no eyes. Yah-, a lot of history on that ski run. [the boys just look at him]
Stan: ...Thank you.
Mechanic: Yah. [moves off]
Kyle: Look, Stan. When Kenny died I learned how important friends are. I'm not gonna lose another friend.
Stan: This isn't about you, Kyle, I have to do this, okay? I have to!
Scene Description: Aspen Heaven, next day. The parents are still meeting with Phil and Josh.
Phil: ...And so you see it's the investment opportunity that keeps on giving.
Gerald: How many times do we have to tell you this? We don't want to buy shares in a condo!
Josh: And we certainly don't want to pressure you.
Gerald: Pressure us?! You kept us all day yesterday and then had a chair lift bring us back!
Phil: Heh-ey, you can leave anytime you want. Of course, that is, if you don't want the super-secret fun prize for attending the slide show.
Randy: [Rises from his chair angrily] No, we don't want the super-secret fun prize alright?! We just wanna ski! Come on, everybody! [leads the others towards the door]
Josh: I know! Have you ever considered going in on a time share?
Phil: That's only a couple thousand each, Josh!
Randy: Don't listen to 'em, let's just go!
Scene Description: Aspen Heaven, the hallway. The parents walk down the hall.
Gerald: My God, can you believe those people?!
Stephen: I hope you don't blame me for all that. I mean, the ad ...did... just say a thirty-minute presentation.
Randy: Let's just get out of here. [opens a door across the hall. The parents find themselves in a room exactly like the one they left across the hall]
Phil: Folks, I'm glad you're back, because we forgot to mention, time-share condos are still deeded properties!
Parents: Aaagh!! [they turn around and walk out... er, in]
Phil: Oooo, you folks really lucked out this time. You're visitor number one thousand!
Josh: That means you can listen to our special offer for privileged members only!
Randy: That does it! I'm calling the police! [takes out the cell phone and begins dialing. One of the salesmen groans softly]
Scene Description: Bunny slope, day. Beginners practice their moves. A girl stands next to Thumper; he sets her up and sends her on her way.
Stan: [approaches] Mr. Ski Instructor, I need a lot of training, fast. I'm gonna race down the K-13.
Thumper: K-13?! But you're just a beginner! You ski outta your league, you're gonna have a bad time.
Stan: I have to do this, okay? I have to!
Thumper: Alright, well, if you gotta get good at somethin' really fast, there's only one way to do it. Come on!
Scene Description: A song begins to play. Thumper is giving Stan some quick instructions and then Stan starts skiing. Thumper looks on, encouraging.
Singer (and backup singers): The day is approaching to give it your best You've got to reach your prime! [Thumper and Stan do some Tai Chi on their skis, then Thumper has Stan ski down the hill blindfolded while he takes notes on technique and time] That's when you need to put yourself to the test And show us the passage of time We're gonna need a montage (Montage) A sports-training montage (Montage) [The teen girl is reading to Stan from a book: Skiing for "DUMBASSES." Then Thumper spots Stan as Stan does barbells, then has him do a few more runs. The times aren't satisfactory.] And just show a lot of things happenin' at once. Remind everyone of what's goin' on. (What's goin' on?) [Bulldozers show up at the youth center to knock it down, but a group of families shows up to protest the demolition. Next shot, the parents are still at those meeting, getting quite weary and tired] And with every shot, show a little improvement To show it won't take too long That's called a montage (Montage) Even Rocky had a montage (Montage) [Stan skis down a little faster, and Thumper shows him how much he's improved. Tad is then shown polishing his skills, landing after a ski jump and receiving Heather into his arms. The girl reads to Stan some more, but Stan's fallen asleep. She rouses him and resumes the lesson] In any sport, if you want to go From just a beginner to a pro You'll need a montage (Montage) a simple little montage (Montage) [she shows Stan a few pictures in her book. Next, Stan is skiing down the hill with bricks weighing his shoulders down. Kyle stands on a bluff with a picture of himself and Stan and looks wistfully at it and at K-13. Cartman rubs his finger into his ass and gives a sleeping Butters the Hitler again. Cartman stifles a laugh] Always fade out (Montage) into a montage (Montage) [Again, Stan skis down the hill with Thumper looking on. Now Thumper approves of the time. The instructor, the teen girl, and Stan look out at K-13 from a nearby hill, the camera at their backs] If you fade out it seems like a long time (Montage) has passed in a montage (Montage) Montage (Montage) [The camera faces the trio now and zooms out slowly. Stan sets his skis down and steps into them, then skis down the slope. Fade out]
Scene Description: Aspen Heaven meeting room, day. Two officers are present with the two salesmen and the six parents.
Randy: All the ad said was that we had to attend a thirty-minute meeting, right, and- and it's been a day and a half! These guys won't let us leave!
Phil: That's not true, officers, we said they could leave at any time.
Thin cop: All right, let me see if I got this straight. You two gentlemen are offering part-time limited liability [suddenly animated] ownership in one of your fabulous condos for the one-time price of eight thousand dollars?!
Phil: That's right!
Fat cop: Sounds to me like if anybody should be arrested it should be you people for passin' up such a great deal!
Thin cop: That's right, you're practically stealing condos at that price. "Book 'em, Danno!" [laughs. The parents look on, chagrined]
Randy: Oh, Jesus.
Linda: No! No!
Gerald: The police work for time-share, too? [the police draw their guns and aim at the parents]
Phil: [somewhat menacing, moves forward] The police, the mayor, the president of the United States. Perhaps now you see the severity of your situation. I think we shall all sit down... [backs up] and listen to the presentation.
Josh: [draws his own gun and aims] Sit! [the parents go to the table and sit on the chair]
Phil: Now, you're probably asking yourselves... "Can my time-share condo turn into a profit?"
Josh: "What kind of cash flow can I realize from my investment?"
Phil: The answer might astonish you. For over ten years investors have seen their-
Scene Description: Aspen Heaven ski run, finish line area, day.
Announcer: The powder is fresh and the stage is set for Tad versus Stan on the K-13!
Scene Description: K-13 peak. Tad and Stan are ready to ski.
Tad: This time you're not just gonna lose, you're gonna die!
Scene Description: Finish line area. The other boys and Ike are present, with their instructor behind them.
Kyle: I can't lose another friend. First Kenny and now Stan? All I'm gonna have left are you two douches. [Cartman gives him an angry look]
Announcer: Ready. Set. Go! [the crowd cheers and Tad takes off. Stan begins to ski]
Stan: Pizza... pizza... pizza...
Man In Yellow Jacket: Tad's got the lead.
Butters: Come on, Stan! [Tad is shown zipping down the hill, Stan is still at the summit making his way down]
Tad: [stops near a tree] Haha. [pulls out a small saw hidden in the back side of his jacket] This should slow down Darsh a bit! [goes to the tree and starts sawing it off at the base. Stan has gone down the mountain some more]
Announcer: [the crowd cheers the skiers on] And it looks like Tad is way out in front.
Tad: [finishes sawing the tree in two and laughs] Now, I'll win for sure!
Kyle: Awgh, dude, I can't look. [closes his eyes and covers them with his hands Tad is shown zipping further down the hill, Stan has left the summit]
Tad: [stops and looks up the hill, then leaves. He returns with a bucket of sand and pours it out]Let's see what some sand does to your speed, Darsh! [leaves. Stan continues his run. Tad returns with more sand and pours it out]He doesn't stand a chance, now! [Stan reaches the fallen tree and climbs over it, then continues his run. Tad pours out even more sand]I'm gonna beat 'em! [tosses the bucket away and leaves]
Announcer: [as the crowd cheers] The race is half over and Tad is still out in the lead! [Stan is moving along nicely. Tad stops further down and pushes a large cage of hamsters onto the slope]
Tad: Heh, when Darsh skis by here, I'll let all these hamsters go. That should distract him just long enough for me to win the race!
Teen girl: [walks in] Oh, Tad.
Tad: ...What are you doing up here?
Teen girl: Oh nothing. I just thought I could distract you. With these. [lifts up her jacket and top. Tad look and is unable to move as he groans at what he sees. Stan moves along in the background and passes Tad, who remains spellbound. Stan reaches the finish line and breaks it. The boys and the crowd cheer the victory and approach Stan. Another song begins to play]
Kyle: Good job, dude!
Stan: Thanks. [Tad reaches the finish line to see the celebration start without him. He takes off his goggles and throws them to the ground in anger]
Announcer: You did it, Stan! [Tad approaches Heather, who gives him the cold shoulder and walks away. Tad is crestfallen]
Teen girl: Thanks a lot, Stan. Now we're gonna be able to keep the youth center. [the crowd cheers louder, and the mechanic stops by]
Mechanic: Well, that does it. Looks like the spirits of the Wakichaw Indians can finally rest in peace. [three spirits rise from K-13 thanking Stan for setting them free.]
Heather: [walks up to Stan] Stan, I was wrong about you. Would you like to go out again? [Stan looks at her incredulously]
Teen girl: Go ahead, Stan. She's everything you ever wanted. [the parents arrive]
Sheila: There you are, boys!
Kyle: Mom, Dad!
Stan: Where the hell have you guys been?!
Stephen: Uh, we got a little held up at the time-share sales office.
Randy: Yeah, but the good news is we finally came to our senses and bought some shares in a condo. So we all get to come to Aspen for two weeks every year!
The boys: [disappointed] Awwwwww!
Stephen: What's the matter? Didn't you boys like skiing? [the song is stopped abruptly]
Stan: No! We can't keep track of when you pizza and when you French-fries and when the hot-shot asshole skier takes your girl or if you're supposed to race him the first time or train first to beat him on the really difficult mountain so you can save the dorky but hot girl's youth center. Skiing sucks! [turns right and leads the other boys away]
Kyle: Yeah, what a stupid sport! [the parents turn left and follow the boys away]
Thumper: [looks at the teen girl] I heard that you were the one responsible for making Tad lose the race. Thanks.
Teen girl: Yeah. Well he really flipped when he saw these. [lifts up her jacket and top again and two creatures appear where her breasts should be]
Left creature: [softly, slowly] Quaid...
Right creature: [softly, slowly] Start the reactor...


Scene Description: Commercial.
Announcer: Today on the Maury Povich show, these poor unfortunate people [a shot of one dwarf walking, then of another being interviewed by Maury] all have horrible disfigurements, [a shot of a man with elephantitis getting some popcorn, then going down an escalator] and you won't believe how we exploit them for your amusement! [Maury interviews a flatheaded man, a blond with stumps for arms wrestles with a brush in the shower]
Scene Description: Stan's house, living room. He, Kyle, and Cartman watch television from the sofa.
Stan: Hm, that sounds pretty good.
"Kenny": [walks in] (Hey guys. What's going on here?)
Stan: Hey Kenny! [the three boys grin]
"Kenny": (Gosh darn it, my name's not Kenny!)
Cartman: That's awesome, Kenny. ["Kenny" removes his hood, and it's Butters]
Butters: Eh now gosh darnit, fellas, my name's not Kenny! Kenny's dead.
Kyle: Okay, Not-Kenny.
Butters: And I'm not gonna wear this coat anymore, neither! [takes off the coat and tosses it away] I should be able to be you guys' friend without wearin' Kenny's old coat!
Stan: Shhh! Be quiet, Not-Kenny! The Maury Povich freak show is on.
Butters: Oh, all right, then. [takes a seat on the sofa between Kyle and Cartman]
Scene Description: Maury Povich show.
Maury: Our next guest is a little girl who was born without a midsection. Please welcome Damla Jones.
Damla: [a blonde] Hello, Maury. [walks out. She has spindly legs, but no chest, abdomen or back. Think Mike Wazowski of "Monsters Inc." The boys are suitably disgusted]
Scene Description: Cut to Cartman and the boys.
Cartman: Aww, sick dude!
Scene Description: Cut to show.
Maury: [Damla climbs onto the guest chair] You're a very brave little girl, and I'm very proud of you.
Damla: [voice quivering] Thank you.
Maury: [leans forward] Can you tell the audience how miserable your life is?
Damla: Uh-uh, yes. It is.
Maury: [giggles] You're a cutey. Do the other kids at school sometimes make fun of you?
Damla: Sometimes.
Maury: [puts his left hand on her forehead] Do people sometimes stare at you?
Damla: Sometimes.
Maury: [sits on the ground in front of her] Do they go, "Oh, gross. What the hell is that thing"?
Damla: Mmm-I don't know. [looks away and down]
Maury: Well your mommy told us you like to listen to music.
Damla: Yes.
Maury: Well guess what, Damla. We're gonna give you a three hundred dollar gift certificate to CD World in Torrance! [the studio audience applauds, music starts up to lead to commercial] All right, everyone. Stay tuned, because next we're gonna meet a woman whose head was smashed in on a locker! And we're gonna give her a makeover!
Scene Description: Cut to sofa.
Kyle: This is terrible, dude! Maury Povich parades these poor people around on his show like carnival freaks! And then gives them prizes at the end after they joked about it. What a dick!
Scene Description: Cut to show.
Announcer: Do you or someone you know have a disfigurement or disability that we can exploit on the Maury Povich show? If so, call 1-555-HEY MAURY!
Scene Description: Cut to sofa.
Stan: Dude! One of us should make up some disease and get on the Maury Povich show so we can win a prize!
Kyle: Cool!
Cartman: Oh YES!! [gets off the sofa and heads for the phone]
Butters: Oh, that'd be awesome! [Cartman dials the number]
Kyle: [he and the other two follow Cartman] Do you think they'll believe it?
Stan: What disease should we say?
Cartman: Shhh. Be quite, you guys! [talks to someone on the phone] Hello, is this Maury Povich? [beat] Oh, well who the hell are you? [beat] Oh. Well I'm calling about your ad for freaks? [Stan grins, Kyle stifles a laugh] Ye-right, people with disabilities? [beat] Yeah, I have a friend; he has a deformity; I think he'd be perfect for your show. [beat] Great! [beat] Hih-his condition? [beat] Uh, he has a condition called "chinballalitis." [beat] Yeah, his balls actually hang from his chin. [Stan stilfes a laugh and closes his eyes, then Butters stifles a laugh. All of them giggle. Cartman tells the others] Shut uh- shut up you guys. [beat, then on the phone] Yes. [beat] Yes, of course he's very upset about it. [beat] Yes, he cries all the time. [beat] Miserable, uh huh. [beat] You wha- Really?
Stan: [drops his hands] What? [the others follow]
Cartman: Dude, they say they'll fly him out day after tomorrow!
Kyle: Awesome!
Butters: Cool!
Cartman: Uh yes, I'm sure I can convince him to come on the show. [trying to be subtle] There will of course be a prize involved? [beat] Great. I'll call you back in an hour. [gladly] No, thank you. [hangs up] YES!
Stan: This is gonna be so funny!
Butters: Uh, it sure is!
Kyle: But how are we gonna get the balls put on Butters' chin?
Butters: Hah yeah, how are we go-? Wait... Butters' chin?
Kyle: Yeah.
Butters: Uh, but that's me. I'm Butters.
Stan: We know. You're the one doing it, Butters. Who'd you think we were talkin' about?
Butters: We-ell hold on a second, you guys.
Cartman: [hops off the chair] Hey, I know how we get the balls on Butter's chin. Those Star Trek dorks down the street! They're always making crazy masks and special effects for their dumb movies.
Butters: Hang on now.
Kyle: Yeah. I bet they could make a fake set of balls. Come on, Butters!
Butters: Wait! W-why does it have to be me??
Stan: It has to be you, Butters. Think about it.
Cartman: Yeah.
Butters: But fellas, if I go on Maury Povich, with- with my balls on my chin, my parents are gonna get really mad.
Kyle: We'll just tell your parents we're going on a camping trip with my parents. They'll never know.
Butters: I'm sorry, but the answer is uh uh, uh uh, uh uh. [crosses his arms and looks away]
Stan: [looks away and up] Kenny woulda done it. [Butters reacts]
Butters: ...So? I told you guys before: [with emphasis] I'm not Kenny.
Kyle: We know. Believe me, we know. We're reminded every day that you're not Kenny because Kenny... was cool.
Cartman: Yeah. God, I wish Kenny was still alive. He'd put balls on his chin. He was such an awesome friend.
Stan: [begins to walk and lead the others away] Well, come on guys. If Butters won't even put his balls on his chin for us, I guess we know where we stand. [Butters now looks chastened]
Cartman: Yeah.
Butters: Aw, gee whiz, yih, yo, you promise my mom and dad won't find out?
Scene Description: The Trekkers' place down the street, next day. The two Trekkers work on Butters.
Brunet Trekker: Now, we're going to apply the latex with some spirit gum.
Butters: Hey that spirit gum sure is stinky.
Stan: Where's you get the balls from?
Brunet Trekker: We made a plastic mold of his chin, and then made a latex scrotum and put two golf balls inside.
Cartman: Nice.
Blond Trekker: Now we just blend the skin tones, add a little hair, [spins the chair around] and presto! [shows Butters' new look to the boys. Butters indeed sports a fake scrotum]
Stan: Wow!
Kyle: That looks awesome!
Butters: Aw, I feel silly.
Cartman: They look great on you, Butters. They really do.
Blond Trekker: I believe you owe us payment now? [Stan and Kyle look at each other]
Stan: All right, the original AVID cut of Star Wars: Episode I
Brunet Trekker: Wooww!
Blond Trekker: They weren't lying!
Scene Description: The Trekkers' place. The boys leave the room.
Kyle: [softly] Why the hell would they want that anyway? [drops to a whisper] Episode I sucked balls.
Cartman: Yeah, it sucked Hairy Butters' chin balls. [the Trekkers begin to fight over the tape. Butters checks his new balls self-consciously]
Blond Trekker: Here, damnit!
Brunet Trekker: Hey, hey! Stop it, man!
Scene Description: Denver Airport, next day.
Announcer: Gay Air Flight 243 with service to New York now ready for general boarding.
Stan: That's your flight, Butters.
Cartman: Okay, here's your ticket [hands it to Butters] and they're gonna have a car waiting for you at the gate in New York. [pushes him forward]
Butters: Uh wait. [stops] You guys aren't comin' with me?
Stan: Hell no, dude. Then we couldn't watch you on TV.
Butters: [backs up into the lineup] Ho-old on a minute, guys, I've changed my mind. I don't wanna go.
Cartman: God, isn't Butters awesome for doing this, you guys?
Kyle: Yeah, he sure is.
Stan: Doing all this to bring us back a prize. What a great friend! [pause]
Cartman: Buh-ters! Buh-ters!
Butters: [hesitant] Uhhh all right, then. See you guys tomorrow. [heads for the gate, then turns around. The boys wave at him. Butters looks down, then walks into the plane.]
Scene Description: New York, TV Studio, day.
Stagehand: Thanks for coming on the show, kid. Maury is very excited to meet you. And this is the Green Room where you can hang out with the other guests until we call for you on set. Boy with Balls on Chin, meet Man with Foot on Head, Girl with Rapid Aging Disease, Disfigured Country Singer, and Man With No Face.
Butters: Wow! Scooped-out face guy! Ah-ah-I've seen you on TV before.
Man with no face: [goes for some water] Yes, this is my sixth appearance. [drinks]
Stagehand: I'll come back in a bit, folks. [leaves]
Man with foot on head: Hey Roger! [the stagehand stops] What the hell is with these horrible veggie platters?!
Disfigured country singer: Yeah, we told you last time we want fresher vegetables.
Roger: I'm sorry, this is what the studio provides. Just take a seat on the couch, kid. I'll be back in a minute. [Butters looks at the others, then makes his way to a spot on the couch and sits down. A long silence follows]
Disfigured country singer: ...Boy with balls on his chin. Haven't seen you around. How long have you been on the circuit?
Butters: What circuit?
Man with foot on head: The talk-show circuit. Don't tell us this is your first one.
Butters: Uh well, yeah. You've all done it more than once?
Man with no face: Oprah two times, Jenny Jones once, Sally Jessie five times.
Disfigured country singer: [looks at the man with no face] You've only done Jenny once?
Man with foot on head: Oh, ah I hate doing the Jenny Jones show. They don't even have their own hair people.
Man with no limbs: I'm doing Jenny tomorrow.
Disfigured country singer: Yeah, you picked a good show to do first, kid, but you need to learn the ropes. There are a lot of people like you all over the country, and we all do talk shows for a living.
Man with foot on head: We all know each other and we kinda stick together to make sure our industry is protected.
Man with no face: Yeah. Like when someone LIES about being a freak.
Butters: [trembling] Oh they, they do, huh?
Disfigured country singer: Yeah, they'll make up a fake condition to go on these shows and then take our money away!
Man with no limbs: We don't take kindly to that.
Butters: Well I can certainly see why.
Man with no limbs: It's okay. Folks don't do it anymore. Not after what they saw what we did to Lobster Boy.
Butters: Lobster Boy?
Man with foot on head: Yeah, loh-, Lobster Boy used to make appearances on all the talk shows. He was one of the most popular disfigured people on TV.
Disfigured country singer: But then we all found out that Lobster Boy wasn't a real freak at all. He was just an actual lobster.
Man with no limbs: [grousing] Lying sack of crap.
Man with foot on head: So you know what we did to him?
Butters: What?
Man with foot on head: One night all us freaks got together, and we... boiled him alive. [Butters stares, then an image of a lobster in a boiling pot appears, then vanishes]
Disfigured country singer: Now Lobster Boy is no more.
Butters: Oh. Yeah. I I hate when people fake conditions, too. Those stupid fakers.
Man with foot on head: We're glad you agree.
Stagehand: Okay, Boy with balls on his chin, you're up next.
Butters: [hops off the couch and heads for the door.] Oh, Jesus, see me through this.
Scene Description: Maury Povich Show promo.
Announcer: Next on the Maury Povich show: we bring back some of our favorite disfigured people [four scenes: first, the man with the foot on his head is talking to the girl with rapid aging disease and disfigured country singer, then the disfigured country singer is shown eating a subway sub, then the man with no face shows his disfigurement, and finally Butters' shadow is shown in profile] and introduce you to some new ones.
Scene Description: Stan's living room. The boys watch TV..
Stan: Here he comes.
Kyle: This is gonna be awesome!
Scene Description: Maury Povich Show, new segment.
Maury: Our next guest suffers from a rare birth defect which caused his testicles and scrotum to grow from his chin.
Cartman: Testicles and scrotum! [laughs gleefully]
Maury: Please welcome eight-and-a-half-year old Napoleon Bonaparte from South Park Colorado. [Butters looks out timidly at the audience from behind the curtain, then heads for the guest chair.] Thanks so much for coming on our show.
Butters: Huh, that's okay, I, I s'pose.
Maury: So, is it tough being ...different?
Butters: Uhhh, yeah.
Maury: And do all the kids at school make fun of you?
Butters: [forgetting why he's supposedly made of] They sure do. They always say to me, "Butters, you're not Kenny." But I never said I was Kenny. They say Kenny would do this and Kenny would do that-
Cartman: Uh oh, we're losin' him.
Butters: I'm tired of it. You hear me, fellas?! Kenny's dead and you'll just have tuh deal with it.
Maury: Uh, yeah, but I mean, do the kids make fun of you because of your condition?
Butters: Uh what condition?
Maury: [terse] You have balls that hang off your chin.
Butters: I do?? Uh. Oh. I, I mean, yeah-ah I do. Uh. Yeah, the kids at school make fun of me for that.
Stan, Kyle: Phew.
Cartman: Oh, that was close.
Maury: What names do they call you at school?
Butters: Aaahhh well, aaahmm, ...I guess they call me uh, Chinball Boy, and uh, Ballchin Boy, nnnd when I, when I'm walkin' they'll say, "Hey, there goes Chinballs!" [Stan and Kyle grin, Cartman laughs hard]
Maury: And do they call you "freak" and "weirdo"?
Butters: Well yeah, I s'pose.
Maury: [sits on the floor and draws closer] Do they point at you and laugh? Do they make you wish you'd never been born? Make you wish to put an end to the whole... miserable wretched earth?
Butters: Uh, sure.
Maury: Well Napoleon, we have a surprise for you.
Stan, Kyle: Wait, here it is, here it is!
Cartman: The present.
Maury: Because you're such a brave little chinballed man, we're gonna send you directly from this studio to the world's largest putt-putt golf course in the world!
Butters: Oh really?
Kyle: Wow!
Cartman: Did he say "the... largest putt-putt golf course in the world"?
Maury: Go on, you're going right now!! [Butters hops off and walks away happily]
Stan: But, that's not fair! That means Butters gets to go and we don't!
Kyle: Yeah! We thought of the whole thing!
Cartman: Euh! Once again Butters is tryin' to screw us over! That asshole!
Scene Description: Cartman's room, later that day. Cartman is on the phone.
Cartman: Hello, is this the Maury Povich show? [beat] Yes, I'm calling because I saw your television program, and I also have balls hanging from my chin. [strokes his "balls"] I'd like to come in and talk about my disorder and perhaps get a free trip to the largest putt-putt golf course in the world?
Operator: [just painted the fingernails on her right hand and is having them dry] I'm sorry, but we're done doing freak shows for now. We're looking for people for a new topic.
Cartman: What's the new topic?
Operator: Please help my out-of-control child.
Cartman: Oh. Hey, I'm out of control!
Operator: Really? [pulls out a notepad and starts taking notes] Is your mother in tears every day over how disobedient you are?
Cartman: Uh, sure!
Operator: Does she worry about you doing drugs and having sex at such a young age?
Cartman: Ehyeah, sure. Ah I do crack and potpourri, and queazies.
Operator: Well that's great! If you can get your mom to come in with you, we'd love to fly you out.
Cartman: [stunned] ...my, my mom?
Scene Description: Cartman's home, kitchen. His mom is humming and preparing gingerbread men for baking. Cartman enters with his hands clasped behind his back.
Cartman: Mmoooomm?
Liane: Yes, sweetie?
Cartman: Could you do me a favor?
Liane: What's that, my little man?
Cartman: Could you um... go on the Maury Povich show with me and say that I'm out of control and do drugs and have sex so that I can go to the largest putt-putt golf course in the wwoooorrlldd?
Liane: Hmmm. but you're not out of control, muffin. You're my perfect little gum drop.
Cartman: I'm just asking you to lie for me. You love me, don't you?
Liane: Of course I do.
Cartman: Oh, I have such a pretty mother. Such a wonderful mother.
Liane: Sweetie, don't.
Cartman: Then it's settled. Oh, I have such a great mother. [turns around and walks out] Such a beautiful mother.
Scene Description: Butters' house. He's back from New York and his parents have apparently heard about the show. Stephen has his arms folded in front of him.
Linda: Just what did you think you were doing, Butters? Not only did you lie to us and say you were on a camping trip with Kyle's family, you made a fool of yourself AND us on national television!
Butters: [still wearing his balls, looking hurt] Oh I'm sorry, mom.
Stephen: Well, sorry isn't gonna make it this time, mister! You know, your grandmother saw the show and had a mild stroke!
Butters: Aw jeez, ah I didn't mean to almost kill Grandma. I promise I'll never go on TV with balls on my chin again.
Stephen: Ugh! You'd better believe you won't, buster!
Linda: Your father and I have to leave now to visit Grandma in the hospital, but you can just take those balls off your chin and march right up to your room!
Butters: [with voice trembling, turns around] Yes ma'am. [removes his balls]
Scene Description: Butters' room. He's pacing the floor mad at himself.
Butters: Serves me right! Puttin' balls on my chin and lyin' about it. Why I, I should be grounded for a month! Why do I do these things? Why can't I behave myself? [his phone rings. Butters goes for the receiver]
Stan: [on the other end] Hey Butters, those other freak people from the show were just over here looking for you?
Butters: Oh Jesus! They were??
Stan: Yeah, they wanted to find you bad.
Butters: Well Oh, God! W-whatdya tell him?
Stan: I- told them where to find you.
Butters: What?? W-why the heck would you do that. Wuh they wanna kill me for not bein' a real freak!
Stan: Oh. Well, serves you right for screwing us over. [hangs up. Butters looks helpless, then walks to the window to see if the freaks are coming. They are indeed]
Butters: Oh Jesus no. [hops off his dresser and walks away from the window] They've come to boil me alive! Uh just like Lobster Boy! Ah, I've gotta get outta here! [reaches his bedroom door, but turns around] Wait! I can't go anywhere. I'm grounded. Oh Christ, what a pickle! [the doorbell rings.]
Scene Description: Butters' house, out front. A scream is heard and the freaks look around.
Man with foot on head: Napoleon? [the disfigured country singer goes for the knob and opens the door.]
Disfigured country singer: Napoleon Bonaparte? [leads the other freaks in. Butters quickly prepares his false scrotum...] I think he's up here. [opens the door, and Butters grins back at them with one hand on the dresser and a suave pose. His balls are back in place]
Butters: Oh, hello, folks. Uh what's the problem?
Disfigured country singer: There you are, Boy With Balls On His Chin.
Man with foot on head: We've got big news! The union is striking.
Butters: [relaxes] The union? Oh, that's why you came?
Disfigured country singer: We're tired of our crappy prizes! So the union president, Man with Terrible Skin Condition, has told us to round everyone up.
Butters: Uh uh I can't freak strike, fellas. Ah-, I'm grounded.
Man with foot on head: Grounded for what?
Butters: For havin' balls on my- AH! Ah, I mean, nothin'. [strikes the pose again] Ah I'm not grounded.
Man with no face: Good, then you can march with us. Freaks of the world,
The Freaks: Unite! [Butters looks at them]
Scene Description: Maury Povich show.
Announcer: Today on Maury Povich: These moms [three are shown. Only Liane grins] don't know what to do with their out-of-control kids! [a fat blonde girl is shown, then Cartman's school picture] Young boys and girls so whorish on our show that it borders on child pornography!
Maury: [on his stool] We're here talking with moms who think their children are out of control. [the woman next to him blows her nose] Vanessa here says that her thirteen-year-old daughter Vanity is already doing drugs and having sex with older men. [Vanessa begins to bawl]
Studio audience: Ooohhhhhhhh.
Maury: Vanessa, what does Vanity say to you when you tell her toooo... do her homework.
Vanessa: [sobbing] She says she hates me. She, she calls me "retard"? And, she says my cooch is all dried up and nobody wants it. [sobs some more]
Studio audience: Aawwwwww. [music starts up]
Maury: Well, let's bring her out. Here's Vanity! [she steps out and the awws turn into boos]
Vanity: Wha'evah, wha'evah! You fuckin' cocksuckers don't know shit! Fuck you! [moons the audience, and an OOPS! bubble appears over the area. Vanity then walks up to her mom and slaps her hard across the face. Vanessa winces in pain]
Maury: Wow, Vanity, you are really an out of control teen.
Some audience members: Yeah! [the rest cheer, then a chant rises from the din] Maury! Maury!
Vanity: Wha'evah! Maury, my mom don't know shit! You could aks her! I aks her all my homies that they be down wit it. You know, it's all good shit. [the audience boos and she holds up her middle fingers, which are blurred] Fuck you, cocksuckuhs!
Scene Description: Green room. Cartman and his mom watch the show in there.
Cartman: Jeez, that girl is pissed off.
Stagehand: [enters] Okay, Cartman family, you're on in two minutes. [leaves]
Scene Description: On stage.
Vanessa: [weeping] Why can't you just listen to me and love me [Vanity slaps her] Ow!
Vanity: Shu' up! Shut the fuck [slap] up, you dried-up skank! [slap. Vanessa weeps again]
Scene Description: Green room. Cartman and his mom watch the show in there.
Liane: I'm glad you're not like that, poopsie-kins.
Cartman: [under his breath] But if I'm not the most out-of-control teen, I might not win the prize. [leaves the room and finds the stagehand] Excuse me, I wanna make a quick change. Where's wardrobe?
Stagehand: Second door on the right.
Scene Description: Outside the building, the freaks have gathered and are now on strike - "FREAK OUT 2K2".
The Freaks: Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike!
Man with terrible skin condition: Brothers and sisters, the time has come for us to be treated with the respect we deserve! We are a strong and diverse group of people, with members like [shown] Woman with Crablike Body, [shown] Incredibly Obese Black Person, [shown] Man with Brains Outside of Head, and [shown] Liza Minnelli. The talk shows have us on and give us little gifts and perks while they make tens of thousands of dollars.
The Freaks: Yeah!
Man with terrible skin condition: We told the talk shows our demands, and they laughed! They say they can get plenty of other stupid guests to go on their shows! So we must picket those other guests!
The Freaks: Yeah!
Butters: Well, gush, ah, I need to go. I can't picket, guys.
Hammerhead Man: You're not gonna picket?
Man with terrible skin condition: Who's not gonna picket? [the crowd parts and all hands point to Butters]
Disfigured country singer: Boy with Balls on Chin doesn't wanna picket. [lowers his left arm]
Butters: Well it's just that my parents are... I can't picket!
Man with no limbs: [emerges from the crowd] Why? You're not a SCAB, are you?
Butters: NO I I'm not a scab.
Man with terrible skin condition: Now, we will split up into groups and form picket lines. The first group will be led by: Incredibly Obese Black Man.
Incredibly obese black man: Excuse me, I'm not Incredibly Obese Black Man, I'm Incredibly Black Obese Man.
Man with terrible skin condition: [looks at Incredibly Black Obese Man, then says flatly] ...Oh, right. My bad.
Scene Description: Maury Povich show, back to out-of-control-child segment.
Announcer: And now, back to more kids who are out of control, on the Maury Povich show!
Maury: Our next mother is Liane Cartman. Her son claims to be the most out-of-control kid in the world and says there's nothing his stupid mom can do about it.
Studio audience: Awww.
Vanessa: Why won't you kids behave? [Vanity stands and smacks her across the face]
Vanity: [shakes her mom around by the neck] Shut up, skank, he's not talkin' to you! [slaps her again and sits down]
Maury: So, Ms. Cartman, you can't control your child?
Liane: Oh, my little poopsie-kins gets into no-nos once in a while, but he's still my perfect little plumsy-kiddle.
Maury: Well, your son made a video backstage. Let's take a look. [a video starts up with Cartman dolled up as a slut moving around to hip-hop music]
Cartman: Maury, I am out of control. Yeah, I use drugs. I can do what I waunt, bitch! Yeah I have sex, and I don't use protection! It's my hot body; I'll do what I waunt! [brings out a lollipop] I don't go to school and I kill people! What-evah! I'll do what I waunt!
Studio audience: [gasps, then] BOOOO!!
Liane: Oh, he's such a cutie.
Maury: Well, let's bring him out. Here's Eric Cartman! [steps out from behind the curtain and immediately gives the finger to the audience]
Cartman: Wha'evah! Wha'evah! [walks up to a seat next to his mom's and sits there] Maury, my mom can't control me, I'm tough! Go on, aks hurh!
Maury: Ms. Cartman, what does your son like to do?
Liane: Ooo, he loves playing with his Clyde Frog and Wellington Bear.
Cartman: [under his breath] Mom, we're pretending, remember? Sex and drugs.
Liane: Oh, I mean, sex and drugs.
Studio audience: Oooohhh!
Cartman: [hops off his chair and tries the audience] What-evah! What-evah! [snaps his left-hand fingers back and forth] I'll do what I waunt!
Vanity: Oh, what-evah. You ain't tough, ho! I roam with gangs!
Cartman: Oh yeah?! I roam with twelve gangs! And we only commit hate crimes! What-evah! I'll do what I waunt! [sits back down]
Vanity: What Evah! You ain't bad! You ain't nothin'! I ditch class and go shoot heroin in the school bathroom!
Cartman: What-evah! I ran for Congress and won. Then I had sex with an intern, killed her, and hid her body! What-evah, I'll do what I waunt!
Scene Description: Outside the building, the freaks have gathered and are now on strike - "FREAK OUT 2K2".
Man with terrible skin condition: What do we want?
The Freaks: Better prizes!
Man with terrible skin condition: When do we want them?
The Freaks: Now!
Man with terrible skin condition: What do we want?
The Freaks: Better prizes!
Butters: [muttering along] Better prizes.
Man with terrible skin condition: When do we want them?
The Freaks: Now!
Butters: Never. [approached the Man with Terrible Skin Condition] Sir, I really gotta go home. My parents are gonna be sore at me.
Man with terrible skin condition: Napoleon, you need to understand something: for a union to work all members must be prepared to make sacrifices and stick together.
Butters: But I gotta get back to my family.
Man with terrible skin condition: [drops his sign and drops on one knee next to Butters] We're you family too, Napoleon. We're like you. When we look at you we don't even see the testicles on your chin. We see the testicles in your heart. [back to the freaks] What do we want?
The Freaks: Better prizes!
Man with terrible skin condition: When do we want them?
The Freaks: Now!
Butters: Aw. hamburgers, this just keeps on gettin' worse. [joins the others in the strike. Several police cruisers pull up and police pour out of them]
Police captain: Okay folks, we're gonna have to move along.
Man with foot on head: Why? We're a union and we have a right to picket.
Police captain: I'm sorry, but the government does not recognize you as a union. You'll have to go.
Middle Dwarf: What are you saying? That because of our appearance our organization is less important?
Police captain: Now now now, I'm not telling you people that your union doesn't matter, I'm just telling you that you're not really... people.
Man with foot on head: ...Alright, that does it! It's time to bring out the big guns! Prepare the video sabotage!
Butters: Oh no, not the video sabotage, uh.
Scene Description: Maury Povich show, back to out-of-control-child segment.
Announcer: Who is the most out of controlled child? We're back with Maury.
Maury: We're here, talking with moms who think their children are out of control.
Vanity: What evah!
Cartman: I slaughtered five baby seals with my bare hands. What-evah! I'll do what I waunt!
Maury: [walks to the third woman on the panel] Now let's meet Joline. Joline says that her daughter is also out of control, that she's flirting with older men, and, she's only four months old.
Studio audience: Aawwww.
Joline: Mmhmm, that's right Maurih.
Maury: Let's bring her out: here's Chantal! [Chantal crawls out amid audience boos. The camera focuses on her diaper. Chantal reaches Joline, who picks her up and sits her on the chair next to hers] So Joline, exactly how is your daughter out of control? You say she flirts with older men? [Chantal plays with her rattle]
Joline: Maurih, it's like this: Whenever I have friends over to the house Chantal will come waltzin' in the livin' room completely naked!
Studio audience: Ooohhh!
Vanity: Whatevah. I helped in a drive-by shooting.
Cartman: What-evah. I digitally put Jabba the Hutt back into the original Star Wars movie! I'll do what I waunt!
Maury: Wow, that is out of control!
Joline: Why, just last night I had three gentlemen callers over to my house, and Chantal took her clothes off right in front o' everybody!
Studio audience: Boooo! [Chantal drops down and starts wiggling.]
Joline: You see? [Her diaper drops, then her top.] There she goes. There she goes. [Chantal shows her butt to the audience] OH! YOU GOD-DAMNED WHORE!
Scene Description: The screen behind them sputters and changes. The Maury Povich logo disappears.
Man with foot on head: [appearing] Attention Maury viewers.
Maury: What the hell is this? [another image replaces the one of Man with Foot on Head]
Elephant man: A lot of decent hard-working freaks in America are losing their talk-show jobs to freaks of a different nature. Sure, everyone in this great country of ours is a freak, but true, physically deformed freaks must be recognized, for it's these real freaks that make you all feel better about yourselves for not being one. So next time you're watching television, make sure it's a show with "freak" freaks, and not just with people that are freaks because they're stupid trailer trash from the South. That's what we mean when we say, "Look for the True Freak label" [his image fades to that of the True Freak label]
Butters and the Freaks: [Butters sits atop a True Freak label box and starts off] Look for the True Freak label [four freaks join in] When you are watching a TV talk show [a side shot of more freaks streaming their way to the box] Remember somewhere, [a shot of the audience] our union's growing [a front shot of the freaks walking in] Our wages going to feed the kids. [a front shot of more freaks walking in] And run the house- We work hard, but who's complaining? [a zoom-out shot as the freaks crowd in around Butters] With TFU we're making our way! [a pan shot] So always look for the True Freak label, [a full crowd shot] Because you need us right here in the U.S.A.! [the Maury Povich logo is restored]
Maury: Ah, sorry America, a little glitch there, heh. Anyway-
Man: They're right. We should have never crossed that picket line. Come on, honey. [takes her hand and leads her out. Other audience members begin to grouse and leave]
Maury: [pleading] Wait! Come back, uh-... Maybe we can make the other out-of-control kids take... their clothes off, too!
Cartman: [hops off his chair and steps forward] Whatevah! I'll crap in Maury's pants! [more audience members leave]
Cameraman: Sir, the ratings have just started to plummet.
Maury: Ah, those damned freaks! [throws his microphone against the back wall and heads for the exit]
Scene Description: Outside the Maury Povich studio. A door opens and Maury steps out. The freaks stop and wait.
Maury: I gave you shoes! And groceries! And this is how you repay me?! [the freaks simply look back at him] Very well. Just come upstairs and... we'll negotiate! [goes in and slams the door shut. A few seconds later the freaks cheer their victory]
Man with foot on head: We did it! The strike worked!
Man with terrible skin condition: Now we can go on with our careers!
Butters: Whoa, thank God that's over. Now I can get back home. [drops his sign and moves off. An angry Cartman catches up to him]
Cartman: Butters, you have screwed me out of a prize for the last time! [rips the balls off Butters' chin. The freaks react immediately and fall silent]
Butters: Oh. Double hamburgers.
Man with foot on head: Jesus Christ! That out-of-control kid ripped poor Napoleon's balls right off!
Incredibly obese black man: Get him!
Cartman: Aaahh! [three freaks trail behind with a boiling pot of water]
Incredibly obese black man: Get him! Get him! [the freaks charge at Cartman, who runs off in fear]
Butters: Hey. Things actually turned out... okay for me this time. [a taxicab pulls up and screeches to a halt]
Stephen: [quickly exits the cab with Linda] Butters!
Butters: [anticipating] Oh I know.