Scene Description: The Marsh house, day. The family exits and goes to the car. Stan's right arm is in a cast and sling from last week's gunshot at the end of the episode.
Randy: Come on, guys, we don't wanna be late!
Stan: [trailing behind] Do I have to go? It's the only day I get to play games.
Randy: We're all going. Come on! [the others get in]
Scene Description: On the road. Stan sits behind Randy, Shelley sits behind Sharon
Stan: [upset] ...Don't understand why we have to go to church every Sunday.
Randy: Church is important, Stan. Way more important than video games and TV. Church is about community and coming together. A lot of things.
Sharon: All I know is that after church I feel better.
Randy: Yeah. Me too.
Scene Description: The church, day. There's a parking lot across from the Church, and the townsfolk park there for Sunday Mass. There's a crosswalk leading to the Church across the street. The Marshes pull in and say hello to the others
Randy: Hey, mornin' Stephen, Linda.
Stephen: [chuckling] Morning, guys.
Scene Description: After crossing the street, Randy plays doorman to the other congregants
Townsman: Aww thanks there, Randy.
Randy: You got it- hey, where's Josie?
Townsman: Oh, she slipped her disc in her neck. Poor thing can barely move.
Randy: Aw, she's gonna miss church? That's too bad. Give her my best. [other congregants move past him as he talks]
Scene Description: The church, interior. The congregants are in. Father Maxi finishes reading from the Gospel of John, chapter 3
Fr. Maxi: For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten Son, [adjusts his glasses over his left eye] so that whoever believed in him should have eternal life. This is the Gospel of the Lord.
Congregants: Praise to you, Lord Jesus Christ. [all sit]
Fr. Maxi: [begins his sermon] Today's gospel talks about what the Lord has to give us. He did so because we could not control our temptations.
Randy: Kind of like a priest in a room full of naked boys. [snorts and other people start laughing]
Fr. Maxi: Uh Okay, okay, let's, let's try and have none of that today. In John 3:16, the Gospel tells us how God so loved the world he gave to us his only Son
Stephen: And a Catholic priest raped him. [all laugh]
Fr. Maxi: Okay, okay, Co-come on guys, Nu-now, what greater gift could the Lord has given to us?
Woman: Children's underwear which priests couldn't pull down so easily? [all laugh]
Fr. Maxi: Okay, let's, let's try to compose ourselves. Let's try and just get through this first one, okay guys? What does it mean that the Lord gave us his only begotten Son?
Townsman 1: It means that if you're a cute boy at a Catholic priest's swimming party you'd better be gettin'! [The congregants laugh. Randy gets carried and falls on the aisle laughing and pounding his fists on the floor.]
Scene Description: The Church. Mass ends and the congregant's exit.
Randy: Oh, that was a great one, Nelson. Salvation in a little boy's mouth. I'm gonna post that one for sure.
Woman 2: Who said the thing about naked boy salad?
Stephen: Oh that was Linda!
Jimbo: Well, see ya next week, everybody! [waves and moves off to his left]
Others: Yeah, see ya! See ya! Bye.
Scene Description: The Marsh car, on the way home
Stan: I really don't understand the point of all that.
Randy: [chuckles] Yeah, well, I used to think that about church when I was a kid too.
Stan: But back then I don't know if church was that stupid.
Randy: Hey, don't say things like that, Stan! You wanna go to fuckin' Hell?
Scene Description: The Church, sometime later. Father Maxi is blowing out the candles, looking sad. Butters enters quietly through the back. Maxi walks to the front pew and sits down, then sighs. Butters walks up to him
Butters: Father, can I talk to you?
Fr. Maxi: Oh, of course, my child. What's troubling you?
Butters: Well, what's troubling you? [sits down next to Maxi] You know, at school the kids used to all make fun of me sometimes. One kid would say something mean, a-and then the other kids would laugh. I know how lousy it feels. I learned to just walk away, not give 'em all the satisfaction.
Fr. Maxi: Well, we can't all walk away. The-the priesthood is all I know. I, I dedicated my entire life to it. Ah I don't know anything else.
Butters: I know it seems impossible. I thought I'd be a punching bag my whole life, but now, I'm one of the popular kids. I even get invited to board game night at Stan's house. My point is, sometimes, y-you just gotta put yourself out there.
Scene Description: The Marsh house, night. The four boys are seated at a table eating pepperoni pizza and drinking sodas. They're playing a board game called Western Legends. Cartman is wearing a straw hat for the occasion. There's the fifth card and chair waiting for someone to fill it
Cartman: I wanna be Calamity Jane this time.
Stan: How many cards do you start with, Kenny?
Kenny: (Two cards.) [the front door opens and the boys turn to see who it is]
Kyle: Oh, there's Butters!
Butters: [walks in] Oh hey, fellas. I hope you don't mind I brought a friend. Come on in. [steps aside for his friend to appear - it's Fr. Maxi]
Fr. Maxi: Uh, hello, my children. [walks in. The boys just stare at him. Moments later he's seated with them, between Stan and Cartman, and Butters sits next to Kyle.]
Stan: Okay, so I-I guess I'm gonna go to the saloon and try to arrest Cartman.
Cartman: Let's see what you got, bitch.
Butters: So, Kyle, did you know Father is a really good singer? You like to sing too, don't you?
Kyle: No.
Fr. Maxi: Praise the Lord, for the Lord is good. Sing praise to his name, for that is pleasant.
Cartman: Ace. You lose. [Stan's jaw drops]
Randy: [coming down from the second floor] Hey Stan, [Stan sits up] have you seen my- [sees Fr. Maxi at the table, has a stunned look, then smiles] No way! [searches his pockets for his phone] Hang on! Hang on! I gotta post this!
Fr. Maxi: [quickly gets up to leave] Uh, I shouldn't be here.
Randy: This is hilarious! [takes some pics] Four boys and a priest playing a board game!
Butters: Aw, Father, wait a-
Fr. Maxi: I should go.
Randy: Nononoait, let me get the picture. [Maxi goes out the front door and disappears]
Butters: Father! [follows Maxi out and closes the door]
Randy: Aw shit, I missed it!
Cartman: Ugh. [looks at Stan] Why did you invite Butters to game night?
Stan: I didn't invite him. [Cartman looks at Kenny, who just looks back]
Scene Description: On the sidewalk. Maxi looks dejected as he walks away. Butters catches up
Butters: Come on, Father, you can't give up so fast.
Fr. Maxi: This is just gonna make things way worse. People will rip on me.
Butters: Who cares? Who cares what people say?
Fr. Maxi: I do.
Butters: Aw, come on, you gotta be strong!
Fr. Maxi: [turns around] Why do you care?!
Butters: Because I was you. Okay? I wasn't always this cool. I've been through it. But then one day, somebody told me something. He said "life is full of love and light and bountiful things," and you know who told me that? You did! Two years ago, in church! You have a right to go and be happy! And if people wanna keep tryin' to knock you down, well, fuck 'em!
Scene Description: The Church, the following Sunday. The congregants gather again. In the parking lot, The Marshes see Mr. Mackey
Randy: Hey, mornin' Mackey!
Mr. Mackey: Well Happy Sunday! Mornin' Ted, Hazel.
Ted: Mornin'.
Hazel: Morning.
Others: Morning. [all head to church]
Randy: Ah, doin' better, huh, Josie?
Josie: A lot better. Thank you.
Randy: All right. [now at the church doors, tries to open then, no avail] Huh. What the? [realizes that the doors are locked] It's not open.
Ryan: Let me try. [goes up and tries to open the doors]
Randy: Hey! Hey, it's nine o'clock! Hey!
Woman: What's going on? [the doors unlock and open, and Butters steps out]
Randy: [points him out] Ohhh! [the others laugh]
Butters: There's no church today! You all are just gonna have to find some'n' better to do! [slams the doors shut and locks them.]
Randy: Hey... [tries to get them open again] Hey, open the door! Hey, come on! [pulls the doors harder and grunts]
Scene Description: The car, on the way home. No Mass today, so that's it.
Randy: Well this sucks. What are we supposed to do without church?
Sharon: I just feel so empty.
Shelley: What are you guys so upset about?
Randy: Shut up, Shelley!
Scene Description: A clearing in the woods outside of town, night. Randy and Butters are enjoying a small campfire, with marshmallows roasting on the open fire. They sit on two folding chairs
Butters: Isn't this great, Father? Fresh mountain air, a nice warm fire, a nice warm fire.
Fr. Maxi: I have to admit it's a pretty nice way to spend a Sunday. How many are your works, Lord? In wisdom you made them all.
Butters: Yeah, the Lord is pretty cool.
Fr. Maxi: He is. Because he brought me you.
Scene Description: A song comes on whose only verse is "Faith In Christ." The montage that accompanies it starts with Maxi and Butters walking through the forest. Maxi points to a bird. Maxi and Butters row in a canoe. Butters and Maxi sit on a bench at Stark's pond watching the sunset. They watch a family of ducks floats by. Maxi puts his right arm around Butters, Butters puts his left hand on Maxi's lap. They go to the movies and enjoy some snacks. A couple to their left just stares at them. They're in the park on some swings when the four boys stop by and look at them, then continue walking. They're at the organ in church. Maxi plays some tunes for Butters. Maxi shows Butters some Bible verses on the computer. At the public library, Maxi holds Butters a little closer, Butters puts his left hand over his right shoulder and cups it over Maxi's right hand. A man picks out from his computer nearby and looks at them. In his bedroom, Butters shows Maxi the fun he has in playing Professor Chaos. Back in the woods, at night, Maxi shows Butters a shooting star. Still in the woods, during the day, Butters points out a cloud formation that sort of resembles a dove.
Scene Description: The cathedral in Denver, day. The archbishop sits at his desk writing something down. The phone rings. He answers it.
Archbishop: Denver archdiocese. The Lord be with you.
Mr. Mackey: [outside the church in South Park] And with your spirit, m'kay? Uh, oh my name is Counselor Mackey, and w-uh we seem to be havin' a little problem with our local church here in South Park. Our uh... our priest has gone missing.
Archbishop: [mutes the phone and whispers] Oh, not another one! [unmutes the phone] All right, listen to me carefully. Your local priest has not done anything wrong. He's probably just taking some time off. Why is that suspicious?
Mr. Mackey: Well, it's not suspicious, we just kind of don't know what to do, you know? Uh.
Archbishop: We'll take care of it. There's no need to involve the authorities. Just sit tight. [hangs up and switches to another line] Send in a clean-up crew now! [the doors quickly open and the clean-up crew appears.] We've got another one. A priest on South Park has gone rogue and is probably out doing his thing. I need you guys to get up there and clean up his mess.
Auxiliary: Don't worry, Your Holiness. By the time we're done with that town there won't be a lick of cum anywhere.
Scene Description: KidZone Roller Rink, day. Happy birthday, Clyde. Kids and adults skate in the center of the building while others sit outside the rink eating. At the birthday gathering, Kyle approaches Clyde and talks to him. Butters appears. Throughout the scene, "Flash Light" plays
Butters: Happy birthday, Clyde! [behind him is Fr. Maxi. They both have gifts for Clyde.] Hope you don't mind I brought a friend.
Fr. Maxi: For we are God's handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works.
Clyde: Dude, what are you talking about?!
Fr. Maxi: Come on, Father. Let's go tear up the skating rink. [they drop their gifts off and head to the rink. Clyde is angered by Fr. Maxi's presence, and Kyle notices.]
Kyle: Just leave it alone, Clyde. Butters brings him everywhere.
Clyde: I don't care, I don't want a priest at my fucking birthday party!
Cartman: [turns to calm Clyde down] It's all right, Clyde, it's all right.
Scene Description: In the rink, Butters tries to get Fr. Maxi to fit in.
Butters: That's it! You're doing great!
Fr. Maxi: Uh-ah. Oh, Mother Mary. I feel like everyone's staring at me. [he's not wrong...]
Butters: Nobody's staring. I'm gonna get us some soda pop. You just mingle with the other fellas![skates off]
Scene Description: Skeeter's wine bar, day. "A Place To Fall Apart" plays and the front doors are wide open. Randy and Stuart sit at the bar. Randy drinks some wine, Stuart some beer
Randy: What's it all about, huh? Are we just bags of carbon and water put on this planet for no purpose? You're born, you die, then you're just... food for the worms.
Stuart: It all does seem pretty meaningless.
Townsman 2: [appears in the doorway] Hey, the church is back open! There are people inside!
Jimbo: What?
Randy: The church is back open?
Townsman 3: Oh boy! Let's go let's go let's go let's go!
Others: The church is back open! Thank God! Let's go!
Scene Description: The church, inside. The cleanup crew is there doing its work.
Auxiliary: Scrub everything! Police can detect even a milligram of cum and rectal blood!
Randy: [enters with other bar patrons] Hey!
Auxiliary: Oh uh, hello my children. The Lord be with you.
Townsmen: And with your spirit.
Randy: What uh, what are you guys doing?
Auxiliary: Oh, we're just giving the place a nice scrub down while we wait for your priest to come back. He was called to South America last week.
Randy: Last week? No, he was at my house a couple of days ago playing board games with the boys.
Auxiliary: [turns the vacuum cleaner off. His assistants look at Randy] No he wasn't. Look, I assure you everything is fine. Your priest will be back. Just have some patience.
Townsmen: Awww.
Townsman 4: Come on, guys. [the townsmen turn around and leave]
Scene Description: The Marsh house. Having spoken to Randy, the cleanup crew heads to his house and scrubs it down, They're working on the table.
Auxiliary: Scrub everything. Bleach those board-game pieces. You find something on that chair?
Priest: It's either blood and cum, or ketchup and mayo. [the priest is scrubbing down Cartman's chair]
Auxiliary: Well, just get rid of it. Bleach the entire top of the table. That's probably where he mounted them.
Stan: [comes down the stairs and approaches the crew] Uh, excuse me.
Auxiliary: [turns to face him] Oh. Hello, my son.
Stan: What are you doing?
Auxiliary: What are we doing about what?
Stan: Well, I mean, it looks like you're scrubbing and bleaching our tables and chairs.
Auxiliary: Mmm mmm, that's not what's going on. Your local priest was never here, actually.
Stan: Yeah he was. I played with him.
Auxiliary: Oh, you did! [whispers loudly to the priest behind him] Better get the Kumby. [the priest walks off]
Stan: What's a Kumby?
Auxiliary: We're just here to cleanse your spirit, my child.
Priest: [returns with an odd tool] Praise be to Christ. [the Kumby looks like a portable wet/dry vacuum cleaner worn like a backpack. The priest uses it to wipe Stan down]
Scene Description: KidZone Roller Rink, day. The kids sing "Happy Birthday" to Clyde. Clyde blows out the candles. In the background "More Bounce To The Ounce" plays
Boys: Yaaay!
Fr. Maxi: And now let us pray.
Boys: Awww.
Fr. Maxi: Bless us, O Lord, and these thy gifts. which we are about to receive.
Clyde: Kyle, will you do something please?!
Fr. Maxi: [quoting Psalm 78:26] He caused the east wind to blow in the heavens...
Kyle: Why me?
Cartman: [gritting his teeth] Kyle!
Fr. Maxi: ...through Christ our Lord. Amen.
Kyle: [walks up to Butters] Uh, Butters, can I talk to you really fast?
Butters: Wow! Sure, Kyle. Be right back, Father. [follows Kyle away]
Fr. Maxi: All right, my child.
Scene Description: A snack room nearby. Kyle waits for Butters there, and Butters walks in
Butters: Huh-what's up?
Kyle: Butters, you know, you can just bring your priest with you everywhere. I mean, sometimes the guys just wanna do stuff and not have a priest around.
Butters: What are you saying, Kyle?
Kyle: I'm saying it's just kind of awkward, Butters. [Fr. Maxi goes to look for these two boys and just happens to walk by the snack room. He stops just short of the doorway and listens] He's bumming everybody out. Nobody wants to hear about Jesus at a birthday party.
Butters: Well, of course, you don't.
Kyle: It's not just me. It's everyone, Butters. He can try all he wants, but he just doesn't belong here. [Maxi's face drops, then he walks away quietly]
Butters: Well I'm sorry for tryin' to help out somebody who didn't have anywhere else to turn. We'll both just leave. I thought you were better than that, Kyle. [walks out]
Scene Description: KidZone Roller Rink, outside. A van arrives carrying the cleanup crew. The song they're listening to is "Faith In Christ," which played earlier. "It's a Love Thing" starts as the cleanup crew fans out across the rink
Auxiliary: All right, clean and scrub everything. I want it spotless! Get any evidence the priest might have left behind.
Assistant: There's something over here, [tastes the frosting on Clyde's slice of cake] but I can't tell if it's cum or frosting.
Auxiliary: It's an 8-year-old's birthday party. Of course, it's cum. Get the Kumby!
Priest: [arrives with the Kumby and wipes Clyde down] Praise be to Christ.
Auxiliary: [approaches Cartman and wipes him down with a cloth. Cartman panics a bit] Hello, young man. We're looking for your town priest. Was he here?
Cartman: Yeah, but he left with Butters.
Auxiliary: Tell me about this Butters.
Clyde: All right, that does it! [the priest is now wiping down his back] Get out of my birthday party or else I'm gonna call the police! [the priest turns the Kumby off and stands up]
Scene Description: Twin Pines strip mall, day. Butters wanders the parking lot looking for Fr. Maxi.
Butters: Father! Father? Has anybody seen my priest? Father, where'd you go? [Maxi is sitting by a Dumpster and raises his head when he hears Butters approaching. Butters then sees him] There you are! I've been looking everywhere.
Fr. Maxi: Just leave me alone.
Butters: But you're missin' the party!
Fr. Maxi: Look, your friends are right, okay? I don't belong there. I, I don't belong anywhere. [gets up and walks away]
Butters: [follows Maxi through the parking lot] But, they just don't understand you like I do.
Fr. Maxi: Stop defending me! There are things you don't know!
Butters: But it's not your fault.
Fr. Maxi: Yes it is! It is my fault!
Butters: Why?!
Fr. Maxi: [turns around and faces Butters] Because I knew, all right?! I knew! Years ago, when bad things started coming out about the Catholic Church, I went to the Vatican and ... I found out that the problem was worse than anyone even thought. I thought I could help fix it, so, I kept my mouth shut. I thought there was cancer in the Church that we could get rid of. But the Church is cancer. It's not about a few bad apples. There are only a few good apples, and I'm clearly not one of them. So just stay away from me!
Butters: But... I thought we were pals.
Fr. Maxi: You thought wrong. [turns around and walks away. Butters shrinks a little in worry]
Scene Description: The neighborhood, evening. Butters walks down the street with his head down. A vehicle comes up behind him - it's the cleanup crew's van. The auxiliary bishop looks out the window and gets Butters' attention
Auxiliary: Hey. Hey there. What's the matter, my child? Did you know that Jesus loves you?
Butters: Sometimes I wonder.
Auxiliary: "And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me." [Galatians 2:20. He dangles a candy bar in front of Butters.] Want a Three Musketeers?
Butters: ...No thanks.
Auxiliary: You like camping trips? You wanna go camping?
Butters: No.
Auxiliary: I got a bunny in the back. You wanna see the bunny?
Butters: [perks up] Well, okay! [the bishop takes him to the back and opens the doors. Butters frowns] Stan?
Stan: I have no idea what's going on.
Clyde: Worst birthday ever! [the priests toss Butters in to join Stan and Clyde, then slam the doors shut]
Scene Description: The Marsh house. Randy watches TV, but doesn't see anything he likes.
Randy: Boring [click] Dumb. [click] Stupid. [click] Good, but dated in its view of gender norms. [The doorbell rings and he slumps a bit] Wugh. [gets up and answers it. Fr. Maxi is at the door]
Fr. Maxi: Hello, Mr. Marsh.
Randy: Father! [turns around, dancing] Hey, hey Sharon, it's Father!
Fr. Maxi: M, Mr. Marsh-
Randy: He's back!
Fr. Maxi: -please.
Randy: Hey, Father's back!
Fr. Maxi: I'm just going around trying to locate little Butters Stotch. I thought he might be here playing a board game with your son?
Randy: Oh uh, no. I haven't seen, Butters. Or Stan. But Father, please, we all need church.
Fr. Maxi: I'm sorry, but I have to keep looking. [turns around and leaves] I said some terrible things.
Randy: Please, Father, we're all lost, and the cleanup crew hasn't helped at all.
Fr. Maxi: [stops and turns around] What cleanup crew?
Scene Description: The forest, night. Stan, Clyde, and Butters have been stripped and tied up, but have enough freedom to roast marshmallows. Wolves and owls are heard. The priests hide behind a bush nearby
Auxiliary: Any sign of him?
Assistant: No, but this should draw him out. The cute one says it's where he and the priest first got together.
Auxiliary: All right, when the priest gets here, we'll take care of him and then eradicate this place of any evidence.
Priest: Should I bring out the Kumby?
Auxiliary: No, this is gonna be a bigger job than that. Bring out... the Kumboni. [moments later, the priest drives up in a Kumboni]
Scene Description: The Stotch house, day. Stephen and Linda are sitting on the sofa watching TV. The phone rings and Stephen answers it.
Stephen: Hey Randy, what's up?
Randy: [driving] Stephen! Stephen, listen! The boys are missing! Fr. Maxi thinks they've been taken by the other priests!
Stephen: [jumps up from the sofa and walks away from it] Taken by priests?? Should we call the police or buy some condoms? [smiles]
Randy: [laughs] Okay. Okay-okay, that was good. [mood change] But seriously, we have to find these guys! The boys are in danger!
Stephen: But where would priests go this late at night?
Linda: To a midnight sale at Boys 'R' Us?
Randy: What-what'd she say?
Stephen: She said, "To a midnight sale at Boys 'R' Us."
Randy: Can, can I post that?
Stephen: Sure, she doesn't care.
Fr. Maxi: [grabs the phone from Randy] Give me that! Mr. Stotch, have you heard from Butters at all?!
Stephen: Well yeah, we got a really weird text from him saying not to worry, he needed to do some camping.
Fr. Maxi: [puts down the phone] Oh my Lord. I know where to go. And when we get there... I'll need to go in alone.
Randy: Yeah I'll bet. [snickers]
Scene Description: The forest clearing. The assistant looks around
Assistant: He's not showing up.
Auxiliary: Try the priest call. [the assistant pulls out a calling device similar to a duck call and blows into it]
Kid's voice: I love Jeeesus! I love Jeeesus!
Assistant: [turns around] I don't think he's coming.
Auxiliary: Oh he's coming all right. Just not here. Let's start packing up. You. [points at the priest] Get on the Kumboni and eradicate this place along with everything in it.
Priest: Yes, your Holiness.
Fr. Maxi: Wait! [arrives at the clearing]
Butters: Father.
Fr. Maxi: You wanted to find me? Well, here I am. I know why you're here. The Church can't have... someone like me going around making it look bad. So go ahead. [turns away] Do it. Just get it over with.
Butters: What?? No!
Auxiliary: You think we searched all over town and set up this trap to kill you? We're Catholics! We're here to give you what you deserve! A full transfer to the beautiful Maldive Islands. Luxury airfare and beach house included! [theh other two priests applaued]
Fr. Maxi: A transfer?
Auxiliary: The Church took care of everything, just like it always has from the beginning. "Thank you for cleaning up all my cum."
Fr. Maxi: I can just... go? I can start over in the Maldives?
Auxiliary: No one will make fun of you there. They can't even speak English. And don't worry, there'll be plenty of priests to take your place here. Look, I know it's a big change, but... you know what you have to do.
Fr. Maxi: Yes, I do. I don't think I have any other choice.
Butters: No. He can't.
Auxiliary: Well, our work here is done! Praise be to Christ, guys. It certainly was a tough one, but I think we got everything cleaned up and- [the Kumboni starts up and smashes through some trees. Fr. Maxi is driving it right at the priests.] Aaaaugh!
Assistant: The Kumboni! Aaah! [Maxi mows him down and kills him] Aaaaagh! Aah!
Priest: Aaaaugh! Aaaaugh! [Maxi mows him down and kills him]
Auxiliary: [Maxi is hot on his trail] No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. [Maxi mows him down, killing him. Moments later, Maxi stops the engine and walks up to the boys]
Butters: Father, you did it!
Fr. Maxi: I'm so sorry, my child. I never meant to say we weren't pals.
Butters: Does that mean you're gonna stay?
Fr. Maxi: Of course. Now I have purpose, and I have meaning. My job here is to protect you. All of you.
Scene Description: The church, Sunday morning. The doors open and Fr. Maxi is back in his robes looking at the congregants
Fr. Maxi: The Lord be with you.
Congregants: And with your spirit. [they go in]
Scene Description: After the Gospel, Fr. Maxi launches into his sermon
Fr. Maxi: Today I'd like to talk on the subject of penance. The penitent... have deep remorse, but for true penance, we must be humble enough to admit that the Lord's forgiveness is undeserved.
Randy: Kind of like how getting raped by a Catholic priest is undeserved. [all laugh]
Fr. Maxi: In Job 42:6 we read "Therefore, I reprehend myself and do penance in dust and ashes"
Townsman 1: And in choir boys' butts and asses. [all laugh]
Fr. Maxi: So we are not to punish ourselves, but instead, we are to make ourselves passionate.
Townsman 5: Like a Catholic priest at a Chuck E. Cheese. [all laugh]
Randy: Oh God, it's good to have my faith back!
Fr. Maxi: Passionate to understand all that Christ sacrificed, and how hard it truly was.
Woman 4: How hard what truly was? [all laugh]
Scene Description: #cancelsouthpark


Scene Description: South Park, day. The scene starts with South Park Elementary being shot up again, then the Community Center appears as two police cars rush by, then City Hall appears. The city council is in session, Mayor McDaniels presiding
Mayor McDaniels: People, it's time we faced some hard truths. The town is looking to us for answers, and all we keep doing is burying our heads. We need to cut the budget for this year's Christmas pageant.
Randy: [after a dramatic pause] My God...
Mayor McDaniels: I've asked the director of the holiday show to stop by so we can all give him the news.
Ryan: He's not going to take this well.
Councilwoman: If he doesn't, we should just let him go. God knows it's about time.
Mayor's aide: Hey, a lot of people like him, all right?
Mrs. Testaburger: Yeah, and a lot of people think he stinks.
Mayor McDaniels: Let's just get this over with. [presses down on the intercom key] All right, send him in. [the door opens and Mr. Hankey hops in.]
Mr. Hankey: Hooooowwwdy ho! You wanted to see me? Better hurry. We only have two months before Christmas.
Mayor McDaniels: Mr. Hankey, we called you in to let you know that... your Christmas Pageant funding has been cut. By half.
Mr. Hankey: What? But I can barely make a good Christmas show with what I have!
Mayor McDaniels: We just don't have the support for the Christmas show that we used to. The truth is... some people find you offensive.
Mr. Hankey: Offensive? What about me is offensive?
Councilwoman: Some people think shit isn't the best representation of Christmas.
Mr. Hankey: Yuh... you people can't do this. Christmas is the most magical time of the year.
Mayor McDaniels: The decision has already been made. Thank you, Mr. Hankey, and good luck with the show.
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Another school shooting has occurred and the police are back to investigate. In the music room, the kids practice "Deck The Halls". The conductor taps the dais with his baton - it's Mr. Hankey.
Mr. Hankey: Okay, stop. Kids, the song's called "Deck The Halls," not "Let's All Suck Balls." Mow, come on, kids.
Craig: Why do we have to do this now?
Cartman: Yeah, it's not even Halloween yet.
Mr. Hankey: Restoration Hardware put up their Christmas decorations two weeks ago, all right? Now listen: I didn't want this either. I wanted the Denver Symphony, but they cut my budget and I'm stuck with you. Now let's take it from the top! [taps his baton]
Scene Description: The hallways. PC Principal walks down the main hallway with purpose. He stops at the Vice Principal's office and turns left, steps forward, stops, sighs, then turns the doorknob and peeks in
PC Principal: Vice Principal Strong Woman?
Strong Woman: Yes, PC Principal?
PC Principal: I was seeing if there's anything you... might want to discuss with me?
Strong Woman: What would we need to discuss?!
PC Principal: I am- so sorry- that I took advantage of my position and- manipulated you into a physical encounter.
Strong Woman: Hey! I am a strong woman, all right?! I don't get manipulated! We both are guilty of an ill-advised relationship at the workplace, but that was long ago, and I have decided to move forward.
PC Principal: Are you sure we can move forward?
Strong Woman: Why not? We make a mistake, we move forward.
PC Principal: I was just thinking there might still possibly be some fallout from-
Strong Woman: Nope! We're just gonna forget about it and put it to rest.
PC Principal: You don't think there's anything else to dis- to discuss?
Strong Woman: No, I don't! Bye-bye. [PC Principal backs out and closes the door. Strong Woman lets out a sigh of relief, then stands and goes to a mirror, which reveals tears in her eyes and a big belly. She's pregnant.]
Scene Description: Kyle's house, day. Stan, Kenny, and Cartman are pounding on the front door. Kyle answers it but doesn't invite them in.
Stan: Dude, Kyle! Dude!
Cartman: Dude!
Kyle: What?
Stan: Did you read what Mr. Hankey tweeted last night?!
Kyle: What Mr. Hankey... tweeted?
Stan: Yeah. I guess after band rehearsals he went on Twitter to talk about us.
Cartman: Look! [Cartman takes out his phone and hands it to Kyle so Kyle can see for hiimself]
Kyle: Oh. Jesus Christ, dude.
Scene Description: Mr. Hankey's room. He's at a sewing machine making a Santa outfit.
Mr. Hankey: Santa Claus is on his way. He's loaded goodies on his sleigh. He'll drop them off on Christmas Day
Kyle: Mr. Hankey.
Mr. Hankey: Oh, Kyle! Hoowwwwdy ho!
Kyle: Mr. Hankey, everyone's really mad at you. Were you on Twitter last night?
Mr. Hankey: [slowly] Yeah.
Kyle: Did you tweet "The kids of South Park are retarded homos who can't play music"?
Mr. Hankey: [more slowly] Yeah.
Kyle: Why would you tweet that?! All the kids are really pissed off!
Mr. Hankey: It was a bad attempt at a joke. I'm sorry. Will you tell the kids I didn't mean it?
Kyle: What do you want me to say?
Mr. Hankey: The fact is, I couldn't sleep last night so I took some Ambien. Do you take that stuff? It turns your brain into oatmeal. Please, Kyle, tell the kids I didn't mean any harm. We've gotta focus on Christmas! [Kyle just looks at him]
Scene Description: The school gymnasium, day. PC Principal and Strong Woman stand on the basketball court facing the student assembly.
PC Principal: All right, everyone, listen up. The vice principal has asked to speak with you today. She believes it is time that we all as a school finally discussed in-vitro fertilization.
Strong Woman: That's right, kids. Many women today make the choice to have children without a man in their lives. They can have their eggs fertilized by an unknown person's sperm in a lab.
PC Principal: That's right, Strong Woman. In today's society it is wrong to just assume that a pregnant woman had intercourse with a man.
Strong Woman: [doubles over in pain] Ooohhhhhhh!
PC Principal: St-students at this school need to be careful because it can be offensive to ask questions like "Who's the father?"
Strong Woman: [doubles over in pain] Oh! Ooohhhhhhh!
PC Principal: [looks at Strong Woman, then softly] You- you all right, Strong Woman?
Strong Woman: I'm fine!
PC Principal: So-so we'd like to have all our students talk to their parents tonight about in-vitro fertilization, and after that, let's just put the whole issue behind us. [Strong Woman stands up and fluid drops to the floor from her belly. Several seconds of stunned silence follows]
Strong Woman: That's my water breaking. Not a big deal. [more fluid gushes out]
Scene Description: The town square. Mr. Hankey gets the Christmas stage ready
Mr. Hankey: Christmas time. It's Christmas time. Christmas time. Yeah, it's Christmas time .
Mayor McDaniels: [appears to his right with a crowd of citizens] Hankey! [he looks up and notices the crowd] We need to talk about what you tweeted!
Mr. Hankey: Oh, I'm sooo sorry. I took Ambien two nights ago and I called the schoolkids homos.
Mayor McDaniels: No, I'm talking about what you tweeted last night! [takes her phone out and reads] "The city council members are a bunch of pussy-licking Islamists."
Mr. Hankey: Oh-oh Jeez, did I say that? Listen, if you're tired and you can't sleep, DO NOT take Ambien. Okay? Whew!
Mayor McDaniels: I'm afraid we have no option but to fire you as executive planning manager of the city council.
Mr. Hankey: Fire me? Nonono, please. I-I'm really sorry. [the crowd turns and leaves] No, no wait! Wait, please give me another chance! Don't do this! What about Christmas? [croops in defeat]
Scene Description: South Park, day. A large sign announcing Mr. Hankey's Holiday Pageant greats the visitor upon arriving in town. A car speeds out of town
PC Principal: [in the passenger seat] It's okay. We'll be at the hospital soon. Just keep breathing.
Strong Woman: [driving, despite her condition] I didn't need your help!
PC Principal: I'm just a co-worker helping another co-worker in need.
Strong Woman: Yeah, well, people might get the wrong idea! I have worked my whole life to be the strongest woman possible, a person little girls could look up to. If those girls thought I was the type to get knocked up by my boss-
PC Principal: I certainly do not want to put an pressures on you as a female, but at times I wonder if there is more we should discuss.
Strong Woman: There's nothing to discuss! I made a mistake and I am MOVING FORWARD!
Scene Description: The law offices of Mayer, Schulz, and Tate, day.
Mr. Hankey: My civil rights are under attack. They can't just fire me from the Christmas show! The whole thing is my creation!
Male Lawyer: Uh, last night you tweeted "The city council can suck my Mexican dick."
Mr. Hankey: It was a joke. Look at me! I don't even have a dick! Get it? [no reaction from the lawyers] Okay, okay, look, I know: it wasn't a good joke. But it really wasn't my fault. The fact is, I went home last night and I was angry. I couldn't sleep, so I took some Ambien. And then I started tweeting. Ambien messes with my head. You ever take that crap?
Female lawyer: You want us to take this up against Ambien? They have the best lawyers in the world.
Mr. Hankey: Well, I thought maybe I could get them in a defecation lawsuit. [he is quickly kicked out] Rrrgh!
Scene Description: J. Prewitt law office, later. Mr. Hankey is seated at the lawyer's desk and speaks to him
Mr. Hankey: And I never ever would have said those things about the city council, but the Ambien makes me kind of blackout.
Mr. Prewitt: I'm sorry, sir, but we don't represent pieces of shit.
Mr. Hankey: Why not? [he is quickly kicked out] Rrrgh!
Scene Description: Gerald's law office, later. He's talking to Gerald about suing Ambien
Mr. Hankey: And I just thought maybe we could convince the city council to hire me back.
Gerald: Look, I'm sorry, but I learned a long time ago that if you defend poop, you get stained. [he is quickly kicked out. This time he just sits on the step and mopes]
Kyle: Mr. Hankey?
Mr. Hankey: Oh, Kyle. [sadly] Howwwdy ho.
Kyle: What are you doing here?
Mr. Hankey: Just tryin' to find some help. There isn't a lawyer in town who will take me. Wait a minute... You! You're the son of a lawyer. You have lawyer blood inside your veins! You can help me with my defecation lawsuit, Kyle!
Kyle: Me? What can I do?
Mr. Hankey: Please, Kyle. You're the only person left who can help me. You and me, pal, we are gonna fight the system!
Scene Description: Hell's Pass Hospital, day. Strong Woman and PC Principal have arrived at the hospital
Voice-over: Paging Dr. Bender.
Dr. Bender: Your vice principal gave birth to all five babies with no epidural. I must say, she's a very strong woman.
PC Principal: That she is.
Dr. Bender: The quintuplets are all healthy and resting away. [they stop by the maternity ward and look in] There are her babies, right there.
PC Principal: Oh, dude. Bro.
Dr. Bender: Yes, cute little buggers, aren't they? Three boys and two girls.
PC Principal: I think it's wrong to force gender specification upon them at this young age.
Dr. Bender: Funny. That's exactly what their mother said. [turns to face him] The quints are all Caucasian, blue-eyed, and something kind of weird.
PC Principal: What's that?
Dr. Bender: Well, the babies are all extremely PC, the likes of which I have never seen. Watch this. [walks to the intercom and presses the mic] Three black guys walk into a bar. [the newborns immediately start crying.] It's okay! It's okay! They left! They left! [the babies stop crying]
PC Principal: Doctor, would it be possible for me to... hold the PC babies?
Dr. Bender: Oh I'm sorry. That's only for the mother and father. Though, according tot he vice principal, the father doesn't even exist. [PC Principal wilts]
Scene Description: The neighborhood playground, day. The boys are shooting hoops without Kyle. Cartman shoots, but it's an air ball
Kyle: [runs up] You guys! Hey guys! I think I figured it out.
Kenny: (What?)
Kyle: How to get Mr. Hankey another chance. [no reaction from the boys] There's by-laws in the city council that community service leaders can't be terminated without a hearing. I need you guys there as character witnesses.
Stan: Nnnope.
Cartman: Not getting that stink on me.
Kyle: He has a right to be heard. He's meant a lot to this town.
Stan: Dude, why do you keep defending him, Kyle?
Cartman: Yeah. You know everyone in town thinks he's a piece of shit.
Kyle: Come on, guys. We can't just turn our backs. How many times has Mr. Hankey been there for us?
Stan: Mmmm. Once, kind of?
Kyle: Look, he messed up, but I don't know if he deserves everything that's coming down on him. I wanna stand by my friend.
Cartman: Mm, let's see how that goes for you in 2018. [the boys turn away and resume playing]
Scene Description: Strong Woman's recovery room, later. PC Principal peeks inside, then goes in and closes the door and walks up to her bed
PC Principal: Vice Principal?
Strong Woman: My babies! Where are they?
PC Principal: Shh it's okay. The babies are fine, resting in the nursery. They're the most... [voice cracking] they're the most PC babies I've ever seen.
Strong Woman: You shouldn't be here! People will start getting suspicious!
PC Principal: Look I was the one who abused my position and took advantage of a subordinate-
Strong Woman: Nobody took advantage of me!
PC Principal: N-Not took advantage. You know what I'm saying.
Strong Woman: And I'm a strong woman!
PC Principal: All I want to do is help. We can say I'm the manny. And if anyone has a problem with that, then they have a problem with gender biases, and they can take it up with me! We can keep the truth about the babies totally hidden. [the door opens and three nurses walk in holding the babies. The parents notice this]
Strong Woman: Oh yes, that curriculum should be fine for the students. I'll start working on an all-school proposal.
PC Principal: Oh yes, very good, Vice Principal. See that it is done by back to school night.
Female Nurse: A-hall right, Mommy! Your little bundles of joy are here. Oh! And who's this?
PC Principal: I am the manny. Anyone have a problem with that?
Female Nurse: No, not at all.
Male Nurse: Everything good here? [the babies start crying. He looks around, then at his shirt, which has an image of Speedy Gonzales on it.] Aw! Are these PC babies?
Scene Description: Park County Courthouse, day. The Mr. Hankey Hearing is being televised.
Voice-over: And now, live from the town courthouse, it's the Hankey Hearing on South Park 13. [inside, Kyle gets his papers ready as the courtroom audience takes its seats]
Mr. Waithouse: Mr. Hankey- [Mr. Hankey sniffles] Fourteen hours ago did you or did you not say "everyone in South Park is a Goddamend douchebag"?
Mr. Hankey: Y-es. That was a bad attempt at a Christmas joke.
Mr. Waithouse: But there's nothing in that statement about Christmas.
Mr. Hankey: That's what I said: it was a bad attempt.
Mr. Waithouse: What part of the statement was actually-
Mr. Hankey: You wanna hear a good Christmas joke?
Mr. Waithouse: In 2005 you said- [Mr. Hankey sniffles] You said that you had no recollection of a- [Mr. Hankey sniffles]
Mr. Hankey: Sorry, I got the sniffles.
Mr. Waithouse: Mr Hankey, do you understand how important these statements are to the citizens of this town?
Mr. Hankey: All I understand is it's only eight weeks until Christmas! If we don't stop wasting our time, we're all gonna miss out on the most magical part of the whole year!
Mr. Waithouse: What did you mean last night when you tweeted, "The Mayor of South Park is a titless whore"? [Kyle's jaw drops and his head falls forward on the table]
Mr. Hankey: Oh, come on! It was a joke! That's it! That's it, I've had enough of this whole fucking sham! Fuck all you and fuck this whole system! It's Christmastime!! [leaves his chair]
Scene Description: Food 4 Little, day. Strong Woman is out of the hospital and shopping with three of the quints
Strong Woman: It's okay. Shhh. We just need to get some diapers. Shhh.
Elderly Woman: [passing by] Ohhh, what adorable little babies.
Strong Woman: Thank you.
Elderly Woman: [getting a closer look] My, they look very PC.
Strong Woman: Oh no, no, they're not very PC at all.
Man with Orange Shirt: Awww, look at the PC babies!
Strong Woman: They actually aren't PC.
Man with Orange Shirt: No? [bends down and tells the babies] Did you hear Monica Lewinsky's becoming Republican? The Democrats left a bad taste in her mouth. [the babies cry, the adults laugh]
Strong Woman: Oh God, shhhh, nonononono. Sheee.
PC Principal: [arrives with the other two infants] Is everything all right?
Man with Orange Shirt: Oh Look! More PC babies!
Woman 1: They're everywhere!
Strong Woman: I told you we need to shop separately! Sh! Shhh!
Man 2: [stops by] Excuse me, where's the Oriental food aisle? [the babies cry harder]
Man with Orange Shirt: Shhh! Quiet! There's PC babies!
Scene Description: Denny's, day. Kyle is at a booth with Mr. Hankey.
Mr. Hankey: Gee whiz. Thanks for comin' out with me, Kyle. [a waiter walks by behind them and stares at Mr. Hankey] These days, it's like you're my only friend. [Kyle looks up and notices some boys looking at him. Next shot shows Clyde, Craig, Tweek, and Token at a window booth looking back at Kyle and Mr. Hankey. Kyle looks dismayed] So what's the plan, huh? What you got figured out to get my job back?
Kyle: I had a plan. You decided to call the Mayor a titless whore!
Mr. Hankey: [laughs it off] Oh, it was a joke, Kyle. Sometimes, when I take Ambien, I'm really groggy and moody the next day. It's a real side effect. It's printed right on the bottle.
Kyle: [growls] I don't know how much longer I can defend you. People are starting to think I'm shitty.
Mr. Hankey: Kyle, don't you understand this whole thing is a smear campaign? Why are people focusing on a few stupid words I said when Christmas is just around the corner?! It's like everyone's forgot about what Christmas means! [brightens up and gasps] Oh my God! Kyle, that's it! The holiday spirit!
Kyle: It's October!
Mr. Hankey: And that's the point! Don't you see? What we need to do is get everyone in the Christmas mood! We can bring the whole spirit of the holidays early!
Kyle: [looks away] Okay, you do that.
Mr. Hankey: Nonono. Kyle, you gotta help me! I can't do this alone!
Kyle: I have homework and stuff!
Mr. Hankey: You're all I have! Even my wife left with the Nuggets 'cause of all the pressure! Please!
Kyle: Okay, fine! I'll help you. But listen to me: I don't care how restless you get tonight, NO AMBIEN!
Mr. Hankey: Well, maybe just a little if I really can't sleep.
Kyle: No! None! If you want my help this time, you aren't taking any Ambien tonight. That's the deal!
Mr. Hankey: Yay! It's a deal! Oh boy, Kyle, I'm so excited! We're gonna bring the spirit of Christmas to South Park!
Scene Description: The neighborhood park, day. PC Principal and Strong Woman take the quints out for a stroll
Jogger: Oho, look at the little PC babies!
PC Principal: Oh, no, we're from uh, Missouri.
Jogger: I know a PC baby when I see one! [to the babies, cooing] Who loves social justice? Who's the future? Who's the big bad future? Yes they are. [one of the quints giggles]
Woman 2: Ohh, PC babies!
PC Principal: All right, please move along, folks. We don't want the babies to get excited. [a synthesizer begins to play, and everyone within earshot of it stops to listen]
Mr. Hankey: Helloooo South Park! Come on, everybody! Get over here! [Craig, Clyde, Tweek, and Token exit the Halloween Outlet store with their cosumes] Who wants to see a miracle?! Howwwdy ho, everyone! Guess what time it is? It's Christmastime! [fireworks go off as citizens gather at the town square]
All: Oohhhhh!
Mr. Hankey: Deck the halls and trim the trees, Christmas time is here. Gonna sing and flush our worries away. It's the best time of the year That's right, everybody! Who loves the holidays? [all cheer] Just like when Christ was born, let's all be with our mothers and fathers and- [the PC babies begin to cry] Let's not forget that, that boys and girls all over the world are
Man 3: Hey! Hey, careful! You're upsetting the PC babies!
Mr. Hankey: The PC what-Listen! Christmas season means peace on earth and good will towards men! [the crying continues] All right, all right look, what, what is the holiday season about? It's about loving each other, right? Loving and- [getting exasperated] What?! What are they crying about now?!
Man 4: Sometimes PC babies don't even know what they're crying about.
Mr. Hankey: Well, then tell the babies to shut the fuck up! [the crowd turns on him] Who the fuck brings a Goddamned baby to a Christmas show, anyway?!
Kyle: [leaps away from the keyboard and grabs Mr. Hankey] Mr. Hankey, stop!
Mr. Hankey: Lemme go, Kyle! These people are idiots! [proceeds to beat up Kyle and wreck the stage. The crowd disperses]
Scene Description: Downtown South Park. Kyle walks down the street battered from the beatdown Mr. Hankey gave him
Girl: Mommy, something stinks. [they stop to look at Kyle]
Mother: Yeah, like shit. [takes her daughter's hand and moves on. A shopkeeper shuts his door as Kyle walks by]
Man 5: [drives by and honks] You stand up for all pieces of crap?! Asshole!
Scene Description: The neighborhood park, moments later. Kyle walks by with his head down. His friends stop playing to look at him. He looks back
Cartman: Uh huh! 2018. [they turn and walk away as Kyle moves on. Further on, he sees Mr. Hankey and stops]
Mr. Hankey: Kyle, listen. It was 3 a.m. last night and I still hadn't slept, so I de- [Kyle ignores him and walks on] Kyle? Kyle, please! They're gonna run me out of town, Kyle! They're going to erase me and everything I ever did.
Kyle: [turns around] You want them to erase me, too?
Mr. Hankey: Kyle, we can all be shitty sometimes.
Kyle: Uh... [sighs a few times, then turns away with nothing to say and walks off]
Scene Description: Strong Woman's office, night. The babies are put to sleep
PC Principal: They're so strong, like their mother.
Strong Woman: They're so PC, like... whoever their father is. [PC looks at her] We'll never keep them quiet. Our only hope is to keep them hidden. [closes the office door]
PC Principal: Can they ever know that I'm their dad?
Strong Woman: We did the most un-PC thing imaginable. Think about what that would do to them. We can never let them know the debaucherous, sickening circumstances that brought them into this world.
PC Principal: Then I'll just try to be the best principal to them that I possibly can.
Strong Woman: And I'll be their strongest vice principal, and hopefully... the world will calm down and not do anything to upset them.
Scene Description: South Park news.
Newscaster: Today... South Park says goodbye to Mr. Hankey. The longtime union of this town and the holiday figure... is over for good. We should all feel pretty great about ourselves, give ourselves a little, nice pat on the back, as we, as a society, continue to try and sweep away all the poop. [next scene is Mr. Hankey walking out of town as the residents look on]
Mr. Hankey: Well, everyone, I guess this is goodbye. It sure has been swell.
Mayor McDaniels: No goodbyes, Mr. Hankey. You just need to go. We already called you a Poober.
Mr. Hankey: A Poober? They have that? [A Lyft car honks and pulls up] Oh, you mean Lyft. Well, okay. Goodbye, everyone. I hope I brought a few smiles and a few laughs into your hearts.
Mayor McDaniels: [opens the back door for him, then firmly] Goodbye, Mr. Hankey. [he hops in and she closes the door. The car pulls away and Mr. Hankey looks out the window and sees the town for one last time with a sad look on his face]
Stan: Where will he go?
Randy: He'll have to find a place that accepts racist, awful beings like him. There are still places out there who don't care about bigotry and hate.
Scene Description: Springfield, day. Mr. Hankey hops into the town square, which is filled with Springfield residents, including the Simpsons
Mr. Hankey: Hoowwwwdy ho!
Bart: Cool man, talking crap.
Apu: Welcome, my friend. Please, rest your weary feet and make yourself at home here.
All: Hooray!
Scene Description: #cancelthesimpsons


Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Another day, another shooting. Mr. Mackey sits in his office talking to the Marshes. Shelly has her arms crossed and looks away.
Mr. Mackey: Allright, thanks for comin' in today to discuss your daughter's behavior, m'kay?
Randy: Exactly what kind of trouble is Shelly in, Mr. Mackey?
Mr. Mackey: Well, unfortunately, we found out our playground monitor has been accepting favors to look the other way at recess, and uh, your daughter sent him an inappropriate picture. Of her butthole. M'kay?
Randy: Her butthole?? [to Shelly] Shelly! [back to Mackey] Why would the recess monitor want a picture of my daughter's butthole?!
Mr. Mackey: We've been havin' a lot of issues at the school with kids vaping lately and, uh, they bribe the recess monitor however they can.
Randy: Jesus Christ, how much worse can things get around here?!
Mr. Mackey: Uhkay, let- uh, the, there is good news, m'kay? We had the picture analyzed and it turns out it was actually just a picture of a dog's butthole, m'kay [holds up a real-life picture of a dog's butthole], that your daughter claimed was hers. M'kay, there it is, a little fur right there. [smiles]
Scene Description: The ride home. Randy is at the wheel. Nelson is in the car behind him, and there's a third car behind them.
Randy: Seriously?! Dog's butthole?! That's what we're doin' now, huh?! There's not enough bad things in the world, we get called into school, "Here's a dog's butthole for ya." That's what it's all come to, Shelly?! [they stop at a red light] I'm over it, Sharon. [a long guitar intro begins to play] I am seriously over it. Don't you just wanna start over? Go back to simpler times?
Sharon: What do you mean?
Randy: I've had it. School shootings, pieces of shit taking Ambien and tweeting, priests raping kids, and somehow... I'm not laughing anymore. Let's do it, Sharon. What I've always talked about. Let's get out of here. Go buy a farm and live off the land.
Sharon: Are you being serious?
Randy: Never been more serious.
Nelson: [honks his horn] Hey, the light's green!
Randy: [looks out the window] Shut up, Nelson! [turns to Sharon] Let's move out to the country. Go back to simple living when things mattered, like hard work and 'tegridy.
Sharon: How will we make a living?
Randy: By growing things and, and selling what we make with our hands. We can do this, Sharon. It's time.
Scene Description: As the following song plays, the following occurs onscreen: Randy sells the house and the family drives away. The family arrives at its new farm. The camera pans to show the countryside. Randy starts harvesting the hemp that's already there. Next, he sifts out the hemp from the leaves, then he's printing out "100% Hemp" shirts, then showing the hemp to his family. Next, he's harvesting more hemp, watering the crop, and getting hemp milk out of some hemp. He makes some hemp cookies for the family. Later he's drying stalks of marijuana plants in the barn. Next, he seeds the field with marijuana seeds, then growing some hemp in a greenhouse. Later, he spritzes water on some leaves, then he writes up a list of nouns and adjectives on a chalkboard outside. Next, the camera pans to the left showing some farm names: Golden Mary's Kush Farm, John & Judy Cannabis Acres, High Valley Marijuana Farms (Organic), and then Randy's farm, Tegrity Farms
Randy: [slow start] This ol' world is getting to me. There's just no trust, no 'tegridy. So I loaded up the kids, took my wife by the arm, [switches to fast tempo with a band joining in] and I moved on out to a Colorado farm. Now it's early to bed, early to rise. The crops are plowed and it's no surprise City folks are fightin' and I don't give a darn (darn, darn) 'Cause I make my livin' on a Colorado farm. I gotta drive the tractor, gotta cut the grass Chut-chut goes the baler like it's never gonna last There's food in the kitchen and there's bud in the barn. (barn, barn) That's life livin' on a Colorado farm. Ice-cold beer, pickup truck. Country music, listin' shit. We got tegridy to keep us warm. That's what you get on a Colorado farm. And I'm gonna stay on a Colorado farm.</i.> Shiiit.
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The four boys walk down the hallway
Kyle: [to Stan] So just like that? Your parents sold your house and everything?
Stan: Yeah, it takes me like an hour to get to school now. It sucks. All because Shelley bribed the playground monitor to let her vape during recess.
Kyle: Why would your sister wanna get addicted to those things?
Cartman: Well, your little brother does it too, Kyle.
Kyle: What are you talking about?
Cartman: You didn't know? The Kindergartners are like the biggest vapers at this school.
Scene Description: The sandlot, day. The kindergartners have their own little piece of heaven on the school playground. Five of them are in there, two of them on the sand, three others seated on a bench on the edge of the sandlot. Ike sits between the other two and blows some smoke. He then tries to hide the vaping pen when Kyle calls out to him.
Boy: [with bulldozer] Vroom, vroom. I am a truck!
Jenny: [with an action figure and a sand castle] Watch out for the monster.
Kyle: Ike! Ike, do you have a vaping pen?!
Ike: [trying to hold in the smoke] Nope. [accidentally blows some more smoke]
Kyle: Dude! Gimme that! [takes it from Ike and walks back to his group]
Ike: Hey, gimme back my vaporizer! [gets up and stands between Jenny and the other boy]
Kyle: What is this? [reads the label] Cherry-flavored nicotine. [turns around] Are you joking?!
Ike: Oh, come on! All the kids are doing it.
Jenny: [whips out her vaporizer] Yeah, I like lemon flavor.
Boy: [whips out his vaporizer] I like raspberry.
Kyle: Why do you want nicotine?!
Jenny: Do you know how hard it is being a kindergartner? We need a break sometimes.
Kyle: These things are bad for you! Do you understand?! Bad kindergartners!
Quaid: [approaches Kyle as Ike steps aside] Relax, bitch. [inhales his vaping pen] Try some gummy bear surprise. [blows some of it in Kyle's face, making Kyle cough]
Stan: [takes the vaporizer from Kyle] All right, where'd you guys get these?!
Scene Description: Tegridy Farms, day. Randy is on his tractor growing through his crop. He stops and removes his hat for a moment to wipe the sweat off his forehead. He takes a swig of his Tegridy Farms hemp milk, then notices a neighboring farmer
Randy: Mornin' Joe? How's the farmin'?
Joe: Doin' good, neighbor! Just planted some Purple Skunky Kush. Harvested the Super Hindu Haze last week.
Randy: Well that's fine, Joe, just fine. I'm growin' some Green Willy Stranger myself. And the Catatonic Tegridy Bud is takin' well. [turns the engine back on]
Joe: Well, see ya 'round, neighbor!
Randy: So long, Joe! [he moves the tractor forward and then turns to the left]
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, recess. An overhead view of the entire school is shown as the bell rings and the kids enjoy their free time. Next, the boys walk through the playground in search of someone.
Stan: Kindergartners said it's some big kid in a trench coat. [notices a kid on a snow drift] Hey look! [a shot of the boy looking towards the parking lot and standing in the sun, so they can't make out who it is]
Kyle: That's gotta be him.
Stan: What are you gonna do?
Kyle: I'm gonna tell him if he sells a vape pen to my brother again, I'm gonna kick his ass! [marches towards the boy. The other follow] HEY YOU! [the boy turns around and steps off the drift. It's...]
Butters: Oh, hey fellas!
Stan: [surprised] Butters?
Butters: What are you guys doing?
Kyle: Butters, are you selling vapes?
Butters: Well, sure! Whatcha lookin' for? [opens his overcoat. Inside, there are labels and packets for grape, orange, tropical passion, chocolate, vanilla and strawberry flavors taped across his shirt and coat.] I've got strawberry, vanilla, tropical passion...
Kyle: WHAT?!
Butters: Tropical passion. It's like mango and kiwi.
Stan: Butters, do you understand this stuff is an epidemic in our school?!
Butters: Yeah, and at five bucks a pop, we're gonna be rich!
Cartman: [steps forward] Butters, this is for Kyle. [punches him hard in the face]
Butters: Oof. [falls to one side and his vape pens fall out of his jacket]
Scene Description: Tegridy Farms, the living room. Randy puts a pot plant on a small table. Shannon is standing near the couch with her arms crossed
Sharon: Randy, I think we need to have a talk.
Randy: [adjusts the placement of the plant] No time to talk, the agricultural inspector's about to drop by. Once we get certified from him, we can start sellin' like a real farm. [approaches Sharon] Have patience, wife. Soon our fortunes will change. [someone knocks on the door] Oh, that must be him now! [goes to answer it]
Towelie: Yes, I'm with the State testin' board? Is this uh,... [checks his notepad] Tegridy Farms?
Randy: Name is right there on the sign. Come on back!
Scene Description: Tegridy Farms, shed. Towelie has set up his equipment and is ready to evaluate. Randy and Shannon stand nearby and observer.
Towelie: [making some minor adjustments to the machine] So with this Vestin device, I can check not only the THC levels in your product but also detect any impurities and give you a final score based on overall chemical makeup. [inhales from the machine. Readings are 43:4, 23:8. His eyes eventually become bloodshot] Yep. That's good shit. Now let me test the levels in your organic house blend. [inhales again. Readings are 59:4, 55:2. Skeptically, Sharon folds her arms] Yep. That's good shit. [exhales and writes on his notepad. Shannon walks away unimpressed.]
Randy: Now, what about the Tegridy Jungle Bud?
Towelie: Let's test it out. [samples it, breathing deeply. Readings are 42:0, 76:2] Whoa.
Randy: Yeah?
Towelie: Whoa.
Randy: Yeeahh?!
Towelie: I don't know what Tegridy is, but... that is some good shit!
Randy: [jumps up in excitement] All right!
Scene Description: South Park elementary, boys room. Cartman is in the stall taking a crap. He's typing something into his phone while singing the Subway $5 Footlong jingle.
Cartman: Five, $5, $5 footlong.
Scene Description: Eric stops sining, as the sound of the boys room door is slammed open. Suddenly, the stall door is kicked open by an angry Butters, who now has a black eye.
Cartman: [surprised] Butters!
Butters: [yelling] Why'd you punch me, Eric?!
Cartman: I had to!
Butters: I thought we were partners!
Cartman: Butters, next time when Kyle walks up to you and says "Are you selling vape stuff," you say "No, I am not, Kyle."
Butters: You punched me in the face!
Cartman: Butters. we have to be extra-cautious right now, or else we're - hang on, hang on - [strains to poop] Hang on. Hang on. [a nugget manages to drop] Ahhh! [gets off the seat] Okay, we have to be extra-cautious, Butters. The whole operation is in a period of transition. [pulls his pants up and flushes the toilet.]
Butters: Well what's that supposed to mean?!
Cartman: [exits the stall] In case you haven't noticed, we're falling behind. We haven't sold enough product to pay off our overhead. The people I bought from are on my ass! Everything costs money, Butters. The pens, the juice, even that jacket I got you. [as they walk to the restroom door, they pass by Kyle and don't notice he's there by the sink] We can't start getting sloppy now. Do you understand?
Butters: Well, I don't know how this means you can go and punch me in the face-
Cartman: Everything will make sense, Butters. I told you. [shows him out] Just stick with the plan, okay? [closes the door. Kyle is about to come up behind him and say something, but Cartman quickly acknowledges Kyle] Did you know that vaping is way healthier than smoking cigarettes? [Kyle is left dumbfounded]
Scene Description: Tegridy Farms, day. The family is seated at table for the meal.
Randy: [serving the meal and talking with a southern accent] All right, everyone! Who's ready for some farm-to-table supper?! [gives bowls to Shelley and Stan] We've got some hemp milk here, hemp oil and vinegar bruschetta, some hemp-seed tabouli. And guess what the napkins are made from? [a car horn sounds outside] Oh, wonder who that could be? [gets up to check. The driver gets out of his car and approaches the farmhouse.] Howdy. What can I do ya for?
Vape Rep: Is this Teh-gridy Farms?
Randy: Yeah, name's right there on the sign.
Vape Rep: Our company is interested in your product. We'd like to do some business with you.
Randy: Really? Hey, that'd be great. What kind of company- [stops himself when he notices the man vaping]
Vape Rep: We're one of the top vape companies in the state. We'd like to add your product to our line.
Randy: [chuckles] Oh no, sorry. I don't want my Tegridy Bud put in those pussy sticks.
Vape Rep: Pussy sticks?
Randy: Yeah, you know. Penis pens, wussy vape, lady joints. Not on my farm, no sirree.
Vape Rep: You got a problem with vaping? It's cleaner and healthier than traditional smoking!
Randy: That's nice. Now how's about you take that pussy stick and get off my farm before I shove it up your ass and you're blowin' mist out your butthole?
Vape Rep: All right. [leaves. Before getting in his car, turns around and says] You can be a part of progress or you can get run over by it.
Randy: [drops his southern accent] Yeah, whatever. All you're doin' is blowin' smoke - Sorry, "fruity steam." Pussy.
Vape Rep: What happened to your accent?
Randy: Go vape some more, ya fuckin' puss!
Vape Rep: [goes to the driver-side door] You'll be sorry! [gets in and backs out]
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day, main office. A new receptionist, Ms Blaze, is on the job and is reading Us Magazine . Kyle walks in and talks to her.
Kyle: I need to speak with the principal.
Ms. Blaze: Okay, what is it regarding?
Kyle: I'd rather just talk to him.
Ms. Blaze: Right through there. You're second in line. [Kyle walks further in and sees Butters and Cartman seated, waiting to see PC Principal as well. They are reading "General American" and "South Park Super School News" and lower their papers as Kyle approaches.]
Cartman: Oh, hey Kyle.
Butters: Hi, Kyle!
Cartman: What are you up to?
Kyle: You know what I'm up to! [walks up to the principal's door.]
Cartman: [hops off the chair and stops him] Okay, cool, but come check this out. This is really cool.
Kyle: Don't touch me!
Cartman: Just come- no, just come see. [takes him by the hand and takes him away. Butters follows them]
Kyle: Don't- touch me!
Cartman: This is really cool. [the three of them leave the office and stand in the hallway] You know, Kyle, people all need a way to relax. And there's no proof that vaping is that bad for you.
Kyle: You're selling it to kindergartners!
Cartman: Kindergartners need a break too, Kyle!
Butters: You know they took away their nap time.
Kyle: You're such penises!
Cartman: Would you rather the kindergartners smoke cigarettes? [Kyle folds his arms and is no longer listening.] Would you rather they drank? That's not good! [Kyle turns to go back into the office] Kyle, Kyle, Kyle! Okay, okay! [he and Butters stop Kyle and turn him around] Just please listen, all right? The truth is... we want out. Butters and I thought we could just make some easy money, but you gotta pay off the 6th graders, then you gotta pay off the recess monitor to look the other way. We're in deep, Kyle. Just let us see enough to get out of debt, and we will stop. I swear it.
Kyle: You're so full of shit.
Cartman: Come on, Kyle, we all make mistakes. Did you already forget last week? You know... Ronan Farrow was here asking about you.
Kyle: Ronan Farrow? No he wasn't.
Cartman: Yes, Kyle! He was right over there! Just please, [Kyle looks over his shoulder to where Cartman said Farrow was] give us two days to make back the money we need to get out from under this. and we will stop. You have my word.
Kyle: Fine. But no more pushing it on little kids! You got that?!
Cartman: Okay, I'll focus my marketing on another direction. Thank you, Kyle. [He and Butters leave, and Kyle looks over to that spot again.]
Scene Description: Tegridy Farms, day. Randy is back on the tractor. He stops when he sees the vape rep at Joe's house across the path. The rep hands Joe a check, then turns around and takes a vape as Joe just holds the check. Randy gets off the tractor and walks over to Joe's house just as Joe and his wife are packing up to leave the area.
Randy: Whatcha doin', Joe?
Joe: Oh, hey Randy. We uh, we sold the farm.
Randy: Just like that, huh? You gonna let those people with pussy sticks take over everythin'?!
Joe: Yeah. They paid us great. My wife and I are gonna move to Maui!
Randy: Oh. I hope you didn't pack your tegridy, 'cause clearly,[puts a marijuana leaf steam into his mouth] your tegridy ain't goin'. [turns and walks back to his house. He opens the door and walks inside. He notices something crumpled at a corner of the living room] Are you still here?!
Towelie: [completely stoned and surrounded by some marijuana leaves] Ah I-I didn't know chickens wore suspenders.
Randy: Agh! [walks off]
Scene Description: South Park Elementary cafeteria. The students are eating lunch. The main five are seated with Token, Clyde, and Craig.
Cartman: [yawns loudly] Man, am I feeling tired! All this hard work at school?
Butters: Yeah, I wish I had a little pick-me-up! Somethin' fresh and fruity to go with my lunch!
Kyle: Just stop. It's so obvious what you guys are doing.
Cartman: [pressing forward] It sounds so great right now! [cups his hands to form a megaphone] Can anyone help with some fun, fruity flavors? [the sound of a wall crumbling in heard. Soon, a wall does crumble and a Vaping Man appears]
Vaping Man: Oh yeah!
Cartman: [quickly stands by the VM] Hey guys! It's the Vaping Man! What are you doing here, Vaping Man?
Vaping Man: I'm here to offer my fun, fruity flavors in a refreshing mist.
Cartman: Vaping? Hey, that's bad for you. Vaping's only for cool kids.
Kyle: [quickly comes up to Cartman and talks quietly] Can I talk to you for a second?
Cartman: Sure, Kyle. What is this about?
Kyle: Can I talk to you over here?
Cartman: Well of course. [they walk far enough away so they're out of earshot of Vaping Man]
Kyle: [yelling] What did I say about pushing it on little kids?!
Cartman: How is this pushing it on little kids, Kyle?
Kyle: Fun, fruity Vaping Man?!
Cartman: It's marketing! Kyle, we have to make the money to pay off our dealer. How else are we supposed to do it?
Kyle: All right, how much do you owe the dealer?
Cartman: Why?
Kyle: How much?!
Scene Description: Tegridy Farms, day. An angry Stan is churning hemp milk in a copper kettle to make hemp cheese while Randy pours in the milk
Randy: Isn't this great, Stan? Livin' off the land? [walks to the table and picks up a plate with marijuana leaves]
Stan: No, it sucks. I hate this. I wanna go back home.
Randy: Well you see that? We're talkin' now. [adds some leaves into the mix] When was the last time we really talked like this?
Stan: I hate you so much.
Randy: Ithink we're havin' a breakthrough moment. I want to give you somethin', son. Somethin' I made that I want you to have. [goes to get it and brings it back] It's a hemp hat.
Stan: No.
Randy: Come on, let's just see how it fits.
Stan: Pleaes, no.
Randy: Here, just-just look. Just try it. [takes off Stan's cap and puts the hemp hat on him. When the hat goes on Stan's head, "Two Princes" by Spin Doctors starts to plays.]
Spin Doctors: One, two princes kneel before you That's -
Scene Description: Randy removes the hat from Stan's head and the song stops. He puts it on again, and the song starts up from the beginning, causing Stan to now look annoyed.
Spin Doctors: One, two princes kneel before you
Randy: Whoa.[he removes it and the song stops. He puts it on again, and the song resumes, causing him to grin in amusement]
Spin Doctors: That's what I said now. Princes -
Scene Description: Big Vape vaping bar and store. The place is crowded with young progressive people and filled with vape smoke. A big vape dealer is at the counter buying some vaping products.
Clerk: There you go, and thanks for shoppin' at Big Vape. [the vape dealer looks around and then leaves. The clerk buzzes him out.]
Cartman: [on the sidewalk with Kyle and Butters, across the parking lot from the store] That's him. That's my guy.
Vape Dealer: There you are. You got my money?
Cartman: [subdued] Kyle? [motions for Kyle to talk to the vape dealer]
Kyle: Look, my friend is very stupid and should have never gone into business with you. [Cartman and Butters back off]
Vape Dealer: Who are you? [Butters and Cartman leave]
Kyle: I'm just seeing if I can help settle things. You probably don't realize it, but vaping is a really big problem at our school.
Vape Dealer: Look, I'm just filling a job that somebody else would fill, all right? [Cartman and Butters return with a body bag with a body in it without the others noticing it.]
Kyle: Okay, look, this is the money I've saved up from my past three birthdays. Can we call this even and end it?
Vape Dealer: Aw, come on, man. I don't wanna take your birthday money. [Butters turns and walks away]
Cartman: Whoa, hey dude! Why is there a dead hooker next to you?
Kyle: What?
Vape Dealer: What?
Cartman: Dude, that is a dead hooker. What are you doing with it?! I'm calling the cops! [whips out his phone.]
Vape Dealer: You just put that dead hooker there.
Kyle: Cartman, what are you doing??
Cartman: [into the phone] There's a dead hooker at the vape store!
Butters: [returns with a crowbar and swings it into the vape dealer's kneecap] There! [runs away with the crow bar]
Vape Dealer: [falls over in pain] Ow!
Kyle: Oh shit!
Cartman: Get the vaporizers, and the cash! Get the cash, Kyle!
Kyle: Wha-what? What are you doing??
Cartman: Just get the- Oh shit! Ronan Farrow!
Kyle: WHAT?!
Cartman: Get the stuff and the cash! Ronan Farrow, Kyle! We've gotta get out of here! [he and Kyle get everything and split]
Scene Description: Tegridy Farms, kitchen. The Marshes are at table, and Randy has his hands clasped in prayer, ready to say grace, while the rest of the family is mad
Randy: Bless us, Lord, and our little cannabis farm, and may we always keep our tegridy. Amen. [digs into his bowl first] So, how was everyone's day?
Sharon: Uh, well, not great. Uh, Stan got caught with a vaping pen.
Randy: [drops his bowl onto the table and raises his voice, losing his southern accent again] With a WHAT?!
Sharon: You know, those little pen and cartridge things with the mist?
Randy: Stan had a vape pen?! [to Stan] You had a fucking vaping-?! Get up to your room right now! [Stan gets off his chair and leaves. Randy leans in towards Sharon] Way to underreact, Sharon! [leaves the table and walks to Stan's room]
Scene Description: Tegridy Farms, Stan's room. Stan sits on his bed while Randy walks in and slams the door shut. He then walks up to the bed.
Randy: [holding a vape pen in his hand] Where did you get this?!
Stan: It's not mine. I took it from a kindergartner.
Randy: Yeah, right! My own son using a pussy stick! [brings up his southern accent again] Don't you know what these things are doin' to our way of life?! I've had enough!
Stan: What are you gonna do?
Randy: You think I'm just gonna stand around while they destroy my family?! We've worked this farm and this land for over four days! I'm not about to let some vape queens take it all away from us! [walks out and slams the door shut]
Scene Description: Mr. Mackey's house, day. Kyle knocks at his door.
Mr. Mackey: [opens the door] Oh, hello, Kyle.
Kyle: Mr. Mackey, I need to talk to you about some things going on at school.
Mr. Mackey: M'okay, like what?
Cartman: [on the sofa, leans forward] Oh, hi Kyle.
Butters: [on the other sofa, leans to his right into view] Hey Kyle! [Kyle is rendered speechless. Cartman and Butters go to the door and stand on either side of Mr. Mackey.]
Cartman: We were just talking to the counselor about some college opportunities. What are you doing here?
Kyle: You know what I'm doing here!
Cartman: Okay, well, we really should talk first, Kyle.
Kyle: NO. Mr. Mackey, there's a big operation going on at the school
Cartman: Kyle, things have changed. You need to listen.
Kyle: Things are getting out of control-
Cartman: Kyle, listen! You want to hear this!
Kyle: -and you need to know what's going on!
Cartman: You need to hear this!
Kyle: What?!
Cartman: We'lll be right back, Mr. Mackey. [takes Kyle by the hand and leaves with Butters and Kyle]
Mr. Mackey: Huh okay. [closes the door]
Scene Description: On the sidewalk between two houses
Kyle: Let go of me! [Cartman lets go]
Cartman: Kyle, listen. It's bad.
Kyle: What's bad?!
Cartman: The guy we tried to frame at the vape shop. He was the one the sixth graders got their shit from. The sixth graders are pissed at us, Kyle! We have to break into the vape shop and steal enough stuff to make the sixth graders happy.
Kyle: You guys decided to beat up the dealer!
Cartman: Yeah, but the sixth graders know you were there!
Kyle: How?!
Butters: 'Cause Eric told them!
Kyle: We are all in this together, Kyle! We gotta rob the vape shop, and then we can put this all behind us.
Butters: Please, Kyle! We still gotta pay people off!
Vaping Man: [breaks through the wooden fence behind the boys] Oh yeah! Hey bitches! Where's my motherfuckin' money?!
Butters: Run!
Cartman: Aah!
Kyle: Aah!
Scene Description: Tegridy Farms, day. Robert Tepper - No Easy Way Out plays. Randy checks himself out on the mirror in the barn. He puts on the farm's logo shirt. He gets some hemp tape and wraps it around his hands, takes a swig of Tegridy Farms hemp milk, then gets into a fighting stance. He then puts on the hat he made for Stan and "Two Princes" plays again. He leaves the house ready to fight, and Sharon follows him out. She puts her fists on her hips
Robert Tepper: We're not indestructible Baby, better get that straight. I think that its unbelievable How you give in to the hands of fate -
Spin Doctors: One, two princes kneel before you That's what I said now
Sharon: Randy, where are you going?
Randy: [turns around] Gonna go fight for my children's future. [walks away]
Scene Description: Big Vape, night. Loud rock music can be heard outside the building. Randy drives up to it on his tractor and turns the engine off. Randy barges in, and the music and chatter stop
Randy: All right, you bunch of vape-smoking' pussies! You try and take my way of life?! Time to show you some tegridy! ["No Way Out" begins to play]
Patron: Tegridy? What's tegridy? [Randy begins punching his way through the shop as "Two Princes" plays again and then mixes in with "No Easy Way Out". "Hyeah! Ow! Ouch! Hey! Hyah! Hyah! Hyah! Hyah! Owie!"]
Spin Doctors/Robert Tepper: That's what I said now One, two - There's no easy way out That's what I said now One, two - There's no shortcut home That's what I said now One, two - There's no easy way out That's what I said now One, two - Givin' in can't be wrong That's what I said now One, two - There's no easy way out
Randy: [punches through a man] Get your stupid mist out of my fucking face!
Bodybuilder: Hey! I like to vape. You think I'm a pussy?
Randy: Yup! [takes him down in two blows]
Bodybuilder: Ow! [Randy goes upstairs]
Scene Description: Big Vape attic. The boys are walking among the tanks used for storing the vapors. They stop at one and begin to siphon off the liquid from the tank into a five-gallon jug
Butters: Wow! You're so smart to think of a siphon, Kyle!
Kyle: Just shut up and keep pumping!
Vape Rep: What are you kids doing?
Kyle: Awww, shit!
Vape Rep: You little hoodlums break in through the window?! I oughtta break your little legs!
Randy: [appears behind him] I don't think so!
Kyle: Mr. Marsh!
Randy: Just what the Sam Hell you boys doin' here?!
Kyle: All right, listen. I should have talked to an adult from the beginning.
Cartman: Kyle, what are you doing?
Kyle: There are these three vaping syndicates at our school-
Cartman: Kyle?
Kyle: -and these guys are one of them.
Cartman: Nononononono.
Kyle: They had someone buying stuff from here for them, and then they sold it to kids.
Cartman: Okay, Kyle, I'm calling Ronan Farrow. [takes out his phone and pretends to talk to Farrow]
Kyle: The sixth graders, these guys, and Becky Thompson are all at each other for control of the playground.
Cartman: Hello, Ronan? Eric Cartman. Yeah, hey.
Kyle: I was going to tell an adult, but these guys said they'd stop.
Cartman: So you know Kyle? Yeah, well, you're right about him.
Randy: It's good you came clean, son. It shows that you've got- [the vape rep punches Randy across the face, then continues punching him]
Vape Rep: Didn't your mommy teach you it doesn't pay to mess with progress?!
Randy: Yeah. She taught me somethin' else too! If you're gonna fight for your tegridy, don't forget to bring a towel.
Towelie: Vape on this, bitch! [jumps off Randy and wraps himself tightly around the vape rep's head. The vape rep's screams are muffled.]
Randy: Yeah! [punches the vape rep across the attic] Take that, stupid vaping! [delivers a knee to the vape rep, sending him into the Tropical Passion tank, making it hiss and squeak. Randy opens the valve, and does the same to the other tanks, sending them all into high pressure.] Move it boys! Come on, go go go! [follows them out the door, but stops first and turns around. He rolls a joint and smokes it, then tosses it into the vape mist. The tanks explode one by one, making the patrons run outside and away from the shop. The explosions eventually blow out the windows. Randy and the boys are the last to leave, so they turn around and watch the destruction.]
Butters: Does this mean we're out of the vaping business, fellas?
Scene Description: Tegridy Farms, sunrise. A guitar starts to slowly play in the background, while Randy drives his tractor with Stan and Towelie riding along.
Randy: It's in you. It's in me. A little somethin' called tegridy.
Randy: [turns off the tractor and stands up] Well, shit. Looks like we made it to another sunrise.
Stan: Oh God, this is just gonna get worse, isn't it?
Randy: Yup son. I think the fight's just startin'. Farmers like us are under attack.
Towelie: Yupper. We got a lot of work to do. We can't let 'em take what makes us special.
Scene Description: A jar of Tegridy Farms marijuana appears at the center of the screen as a voice-over begins to speak
Voice-over: Tegridy Weed, from Tegridy Farms. Made... with a little Colorado tegridy. Comin' soon to a dispensary near you.