Scene Description: The Cartman house, night. Liane brings a box into the dining room.
Liane: [sets the box down on the floor] Eric, Mommy got you a present!
Cartman: [suddenly excited] A present?? Is it a rocket racer?? No, let me guess: It's a Frogman Jay doll! No wait, I know! It's a police power chopper!
Liane: Nnno, I got you something that's going to help you win the big spelling bee tomorrow.
Cartman: [drops and sighs heavily] Mom, I'm not going to win the spelling bee; I never do.
Liane: This year is gonna be different. Look! [places the box on the table] I got you "Hooked On Monkey Fonics." [mom and son look at each other]
Cartman: [after a while] What the hell is "Hooked On Monkey Fonics?"
Liane: It's a new way to learn how to read and spell. And it comes with everything you need to help win that spelling bee. [unpacks the contents: two cassette tapes, a tiny drum set, an owner's manual, and a live monkey. The monkey chatters] It says we just put the cassette into a tape player [does it, and presses the Play button. A glissant plays, and the monkey sits behind the drum set]
Female Voice: Welcome to "Hooked On Monkey Fonics," level 1. I will read the sounds and the monkey will help keep the beat. [Liane smiles] If your monkey arrived in the box dead, call 1-800-555-4500 to get a new monkey. Ready? Let's begin. [glissant. The monkey plays. A little rap follows] The learning monkey is here to sayThat reading is easy and it's okay.[Liane starts swaying like a metronome]Work with the monkey and you will learnTo spell hard words, like "morbid" and "fern."Start with Card 1. [Liane holds it up] Ready? Begin! [glissant] C, H. [a "ch" sound] Chalk. [the monkey plays four beats more, then turns to Cartman. One more beat...]
Cartman: [finally responds, keeping the beat] C, H. "Ch." Chalk.
Female Voice: Good. Card 2. [Liane holds it up] T, H. [a hard "th"] There.
Cartman: T, H. "Th." There. Hey, this is easy! [raps] I'm gonna win the spelling bee for sure, Mom!
Scene Description: South Park, next day. A stage has been set up in front of the rebuilt library, and the adults are there to watch. A banner over it reads: The 15th Annual South Park Spelling Bee Finals
Scene Description: On stage, back row, are Wendy, Kevin, Annie, Clyde, Butters and Bebe. In the front row are Token, a new boy, an empty chair, Kyle, Stan, and Cartman. Off to the left, Mr. Mackey will keep score, but doesn't look at all happy about it. The Mayor is front and center
Mayor: All right, everyone. Welcome to the 15th Annual South Park Spelling Bee Finals! [the crowd cheers. The Mayor walks over and stands next to Mr. Mackey. The new boy is gone!] This should be very interesting. We have with us twelve of the brightest spellers from South Park Elementary.
Jimbo: Kyle, Kyle, he's our man. If he can't win it, I'm out 50 bucks.
Gerald: You bet money on my son to win?!
Jimbo: Sure! When it comes to spelling bees, always bet on the Jew.
Cartman: You're going down, bitch!
Kyle: Shut up, fatass! Everyone knows I can spell better than you.
Cartman: Yeah, well this year I have a secret weapon! [signals something with a thumbs-up. The monkey and drums are next to him, on the floor.]
Mayor: And, joining us this year, are the two home-schooled children, Rebecca and Mark Cotswolds! [they enter...]
Jimbo: What?! [...and take their seats]
Cartman: Home-schooled kids? Who the hell are they?
Jimbo: Ey, that's not fair! You can't let home-schooled kids into a public-school spelling bee!
Kyle: What's a "home-schooled kid"?
Stan: I don't know, dude. I've never seen them before. [the left side of the groups is shown. Mark, the new kid seen earlier, sits next to Token, and Rebecca takes the aisle seat. The others in their section study them.]
The Cotswolds: [cheering] Go, Mark! Go, Rebecca!
Mayor: [reads, then] Our first contestant is Mark Cotswolds, from home school. [he steps on the platform] All right, Mark. Your word is "conscientious."
Cartman: What?! What the fuck that that mean?
Mark: "Conscientious." May I have the definition, please?
Mayor: Closely attentive to details. Careful.
Mark: "Conscientious." Could you use it in a sentence, please?
Mayor: Mary's analysis of the spreadsheet was... conscientious.
Mark: "Conscientious." C O N S C I E N T I O U S.
Cartman: [as the bell rings] Holy crap! [the crowd is stunned]
The Cotswolds: Way to go, Mark! Alright!
Mayor: Okay, our next contestant is Eric Cartman. [he goes to the platform, smiling] Alright, Eric, here's your word: chair. Chaaiirr. [he looks to the monkey, who's minding its own business]
Cartman: Come on, Fonics Monkey, drum! [it looks around] Come on! [it begins to drum something else, getting excited. Cartman looks resigned]
Mayor: Eric, your word is "chair."
Cartman: Uuh. Definition?
Mayor: Something you sit on.
Cartman: Country of origin?
Mayor: English! [the angrier she gets, the more afraid Mr. Mackey looks]
Cartman: Could you please use it in a sentence?
Mayor: Oh, for Christ's sake, kid! The word is "chair"!!
Cartman: Uh- chair. C H A R E [the buzzer sounds and Eric panics] God damnit, how come I get the hard ones?! [races off the stage] Get over here, you son of a bitch Fonics Monkey!
Scene Description: The spelling bee. After several rounds, the other kids are eliminated. The Cotswolds kids and Kyle are the only ones left.
Mayor: All right, we're down to just three finalists. First up is Rebecca Cotswolds from home school. [Rebecca takes the platform, but casts her eyes down and away from the mayor. She nervously taps her hands together] Alright, Rebecca. Here's your word: littoral.
Rebecca: [voice quivering] "Litoral." Deh-finition?
Mayor: Having to do with a lake or ocean.
Rebecca: "Litoral." Will you please use it in a sentence?
Mayor: Gary was most interested in the littoral features of Michigan.
Rebecca: "Littoral." [Before saying each letter, she opens her hands like a book, whispers the letter into them, and closes them] L I T O R A L
Mayo: [sounding the little bell] Correct!
Kyle: [softly] Wow! [he's impressed]
Mr. Cotswolds: [both parents clap] Alright, Rebecca. Good job, honey. [she takes her seat]
Mayor: Now we have Kyle Broflovski. [he takes the platform] Here we go. Krocsyldiphithic.
Kyle: What??
Mayor: Krocsyldiphithic.
Kyle: Definition?
Mayor: Something which has a krocsyldiph-like quality.
Kyle: Uh, could you use it in a sentence?
Mayor: Certainly. "Krocsyldiphithic" is a hard word to spell.
Kyle: "Krocsyldiphic."
Jimbo: You can do it, kid! You can do it!
Kyle: "Krocsyldiphic." C [the buzzer cuts him off] Damnit!
Jimbo: You little bastard, you cost me fifty bucks. [Stuart, Gerald, Randy, and Ned start carrying him away] Why don't you run away and join the circus, you stupid little son of a bitch?! Aaargh!
Mayor: Congratulations, Mark and Rebecca. [hand them their trophies] You are truly South Park's finest. [a print photographer takes a picture]
Stan: [standing before the stage with Cartman and Kenny] Damn, dude. Those home-schooled kids are smart.
Cartman: Yeah. Too bad they have the personalities of a wet dishcloth. [the finalists come off the stage and stand in front of it.]
Kyle: [walks up to Rebecca] What's your name? [apparently, he wasn't paying attention...]
Rebecca: Guh what's in a name? [turns and walks away]
Kyle: Wooww.
Mark: It was nice competing against you boys. We will have to do it again sometime.
Cartman: [mocking] Oh, yes. We must do it again.
Stan: We've never seen you before. Do you live in the woods or something?
Mark: No. I live right over there. [points to a house like any other, but it has bars on its windows] I've lived there all my life.
Cartman: How come you don't go to school?
Mark: Because I'm home-schooled.
Stan: What's that?
Mark: My parent teach me. So I stay at home instead of going to school.
Cartman: You what? Stay at home? All day? No school?
Mark: Right.
Cartman: [waxes poetic]Who would have thought such a miracle could be?Who could have known that this moment I would see?A new way of living, a chance to be free?
Stan: Shut up, Cartman?
Cartman: You shut up, [backhand slap] butthole.
Stan: You shut up, [backhand slap] gaywad!
Cartman: You shut up, [backhand slap] ass-logger!
Mark: [astonished] Oh my goodness, are you two enemies?
Stan: No, we're friends.
Mark: Strange, friends would call each other names and fight.
Stan: What?
Mr. Cotswolds: Come, children, let's take our trophies home and place them high up on the mantel. [the family walks away. Kyle looks after Rebecca. Mark looks back at the boys.]
Stan: Dude, what a bunch of freakin' nerdos.
Scene Description: The Cotswolds house, night. The family is at dinner
Mark: Papa?
Mr. Cotswolds: Yes, Mark?
Mark: Why can't I go to school with the other boys?
Mrs. Cotswolds: [gasps] Oooh.
Mr. Cotswolds: [leans in on Mark] Well, because, son, public schools are inefficient and dangerous!
Mark: But I want to play with the other children. O, how they laugh and play, Papá.
Mrs. Cotswolds: Mark, you have play time. You get to play in the afternoon.
Mark: I just feel like I should go to public school, if only for a little while. To see what other little boys are like.
Mr. Cotswolds: Mark, public schools are no good! Your mother and I were both home-schooled, and we turned out much better because of it.
Mark: Please, Papá. Just let me try it for a few days.
Mr. Cotswolds: Alright. Fine, Mark! You go ahead and go to public school! You can just find out for yourself how flawed and treacherous it is!
Mark: Hooray!
Mr. Cotswolds: You don't want to go to public school too, do you, Rebecca?
Rebecca: [voice quivering] Oh, heavens, no.
Mr. Cotswolds: Well, thank God for that! At least my daughter will remain safe! [the doorbell rings and all look towards it]
Kyle: [Mrs. Cotswolds opens the door] Uh, hi. Is, uh, is Rebecca home?
Mrs. Cotswolds: Yes she is. [doesn't move]
Kyle: ...Uuh, can I talk to her?
Mrs. Cotswolds: Oh. Well, I suppose so. Rebecca! [Rebecca walks up] This little boy wants to see you.
Rebecca: [with hands in prayer pose] Huhlo? [Kyle looks a little dismayed, as her tapping of hands is a habit. He looks at her mom for any assistance, but sees none. He looks at Rebecca again]
Kyle: U-u-uh, hi. [puts his hands behind his back]
Rebecca: Hel-lo.
Kyle: Huuh, I wah... just ah... well... that's all. [turns and hurries away. Rebecca looks, then goes in. Her mom closes the door]
Mr. Cotswolds: [walks up] Who was that?
Mrs. Cotswolds: A little boy wanted to see Rebecca.
Mr. Cotswolds: [wary] Oh no. I told you the spelling bee was a bad idea.
Mrs. Cotswolds: But the children won, and they were happy to meet the other children.
Mr. Cotswolds: Yes, but now I think we may have opened a Pandora's box that we can't close! [they then stand motionless for a while]
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Mr. Garrison's class. Craig, Butters, and Tweek sit in the front row.
Mr. Garrison: Okay, children, we have a new student joining us from home school. Now, his parents are very worried about his safety, so please don't be too cruel to him. Mark? [A large plastic ball rolls into class, and Mark is inside driving it. He runs into Craig's chair and stops.]
Mark: Hey, guys. What's up?
Cartman: Dude, what's wrong with you? You got some kind of John Travolta disease?
Mr. Garrison: Alright, children, let's just try to pretend there isn't a little boy in a huge plastic hamster ball here, and go on with our studies. Now, who can tell me when Columbus sailed the seas and discovered America? [Mark and Cartman vie to answer] Ehyes, Mark?
Cartman: Ey! How come you never pick me?!
Mr. Garrison: Because you never know the right answer, butt-for-brains! Yes, Mark?
Mark: The answer is 1492. However, the Americas had already been discovered by many before him, including the Vikings and the Native Americans. And therefore, your question is a charade.
Cartman: Aww, see? That's what I was gonna say!
Mr. Garrison: Well, very impressive, Mark. You should be able to throw the grading curve and flunk all these little bastards. [every kid looks angrily at Mark.]
Stan: Oh, God. This kid's gonna last about five seconds out on the playground.
Mr. Garrison: Now, who can tell me what country Columbus was from? [again, Mark and Cartman vie to answer] Put your hand down, creampuff.
Cartman: That does it! [gets off his seat and moves towards the door] I do not need to sit here and be ridiculed! I'm gonna go be home-schooled from now on!
Stan: You don't wanna be home-schooled, fatass.
Cartman: I'm gonna be home-schooled, and leave all the pain and suffering of public school behind me! Screw you guys, I'm a-gonna be home-schooled! [leaves and closes the door]
Mr. Garrison: Oh, please God, let it be forever.
Scene Description: The playground. The recess bell rings and the kids rush out the door. Mark joins them in his huge hamster ball. Beside the jungle gym Stan and Pip stand next to each other, with Bebe and Annie behind them.
Stan: Come on, Pip, say it. Say "Please, hit me."
Pip: But, if I say that, you'll hit me.
Stan: No! I'm gonna hit you if you don't say it. If you say "Please, hit me," I won't hit you.
Pip: Please, hit me.
Stan: All right. [backhand slap]
Pip: Ooowww!
Stan: Alright, we'll try this again, Pip.
Mark: [rolls up] I don't understand. You seem to like that boy, yet hate him at the same time. [Craig and Butters walk up]
Craig: Hey, kid. Get out of that hamster ball.
Mark: Oh. I promised my father I wouldn't.
Stan: Oh, boy. Sorry, dude, you're on your own. [moves out of the way as Craig and Butters position the ball]
Butters: Oowhy yu- you best do what he says, uh home-school kid. Why, this is our part of the playground, see? And uh, a-and if you don't follow our rules, whyuh, why we're gonna duct-tape ya to the bench.
Mark: You mean you would actually duct-tape my entire body to a bench? For what purpose?
Craig: Just get out of the hamster ball, or else you're gonna find out!
Scene Description: Mark moves to the door and opens it. The ball moves, and Butters holds in in place while Mark flips his way out of it. Once he's on the ground, a bunch of boys come in and crowd him. Token, Bill, Tweek, Clyde, and Terrence join Craig and Butters in carrying Mark to the bench.
Boys: Okay, let's get him... [more chatter as they place him on the bench and duct-tape him to it]
Butters: Got it. [the boys disperse]
Craig: Have a nice second half of the day, nerdo!
Butters: Yeah why, why, you shouldn't be such a smart-mouthed Mr. Know-It-All!
Mark: Oh, dear.
Scene Description: The Cotswolds house. Mr. and Mrs. Cotswolds pace their living room, worried about their son's whereabouts
Mr. Cotswolds: Oh, where could he be? He should've been home from public school by now.
Mrs. Cotswolds: I'm sure he's alright.
Mr. Cotswolds: [a thump on the door] That must be him. [thump. Mr. Cotswolds opens the door, and both parents look]
Mrs. Cotswolds: Waaaaah! [Mark has walked home still strapped to the bench]
Mr. Cotswolds: Oh my God, son!
Mark: Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad. [walks in]
Mr. Cotswolds: Mark, what have they done to you?!
Mark: Well, they duct-taped me to a bench.
Mrs. Cotswolds: But why?
Mark: I don't know, mother. It didn't make any sense at all.
Mr. Cotswolds: Well, you see? This is what happens at public schools!
Mark: But I want to go back tomorrow, papá.
Mrs. Cotswolds: What??
Mark: Please, just give me one more day. [walks off]
Mrs. Cotswolds: What do we do?
Mr. Cotswolds: Well, if we're goin' to let him go back, it looks like I need to have a little talk with those other boys' fathers. [snort, snort. He seems to have a little problem with phlegm in the nose]
Scene Description: The Cotswolds house, night. A girl's bedroom is shown. Rebecca is at her desk writing.
A voice: [with guitar]Everywhere I go, I'm thinking of you, Rebecca. [she stops writing and looks to the window]I don't know what to do, Rebecca.[she hops off the chair, walks over to her toy box and hops onto it]You're so nice, I'd like to get to know you better.[she looks out the window. It is Kyle she sees]So what do you say we get together?You really are quite good-looking, Rebecca!You really are quite good-looking, Rebecca!Rebecca, you're really quite good-looking!You're a fox.[she looks a bit more, then moves away from the window. Kyle waits, then brightens as she returns. She drops some money down to him, and it lands in the guitar case. She moves away again, and he looks at the money]
Scene Description: The town bar. Jimbo, Ned, Randy, and Gerald sit at the bar sipping some beers. As Mr. Cotswolds enters, the camera pulls back to reveal Stuart McCormick, Richard Tweek, and Craig's father at the bar with the others
Mr. Cotswolds: Good evening, gentlemen. If I can have your attention for a few moments. [the other men turn to face him] My son Mark was beat up in school today by your sons. I think it would be appropriate for you to talk with your sons, and instruct them to no longer tease or bother my boy. [sniff]
Randy: Uh, look, Mr...
Mr. Cotswolds: Cotswolds.
Randy: Mr. Cotswolds, we can't completely control what our kids do socially. That's..., you know, that's for them to figure out on their own.
Mr. Cotswolds: Well, obviously, they need to be coached a little better. [the men get mad. He coughs, then points to Gerald] And furthermore, your son has been harassing my little girl! I would like you to tell him to stop.
Gerald: Hey, my son is just discovering love. Maybe your daughter is, too. They-uh, they need to know about that stuff.
Mr. Cotswolds: Uh, hello-o? My girl is eight years old! What does she need to know about love?
Randy: Well, something. I mean, you can't just wait until she's a teenager and expect her to figure out everything all at once.
Mr. Cotswolds: I will not tell you how to raise your children, and you will not tell me how to raise mine!
Jimbo: Eh, you wanna beer or something, Cotswolds?
Mr. Cotswolds: No, I don't drink beer. I just like wine coolers.
Jimbo: You what??
Scene Description: The town bar, later. The men head out the door.
Jimbo: See ya, Cotswolds. [Randy looks and grins] Thanks for stopping by.
Gerald: Yeah. See ya. [the camera pans down to show Mr. Cotswolds duct-taped to a bench]
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, the cafeteria, next day. Lunchtime. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny are at table
Kyle: ...I can't even get her to understand. It's like she's from another planet.
Mark: [walks up] Can I sit here with you?
Stan: [tsk] Aw, man, if you have to.
Principal Victoria: [over the P.A.] Attention, students. Don't forget that this Friday night is the South Park Elementary Bay Of Pigs Memorial Dance. We will have a very special band performing, so please come early.
Kyle: Hey! That's it! That dance! I can ask Rebecca to go to the dance!
Stan: Dude, what happened to you? You're a total wuss now. [laughs]
Kenny: (Heheh, yeah. You're a faggot, dude. Fuck, yeah. Hehe-eheh.)
Mark: Why do you call Kyle names and laugh at him? Is he not your friend?
Stan: Yeah, dude, but guys just do that. We rip on each other and stuff.
Mark: I see. It's like, you have to mark your territory as a boy. You have to socially find your place.
Kyle: What??
Craig: [leading a group of boys, walks up] Enjoying your lunch, nerdo?
Mark: [confidently] Ah! Stick and stones may break my bones, but words will never harm me.
Stan: Ah, dude, you don't say that.
Mark: Huh?
Craig: Get him! [the group grabs him and duct-tapes him to an adjacent bench, then walks away.]
Kyle: Boy, that kid's having a hard time adjusting to public school.
Stan: Yeah. I wonder how Cartman is doing with his home-schooling.
Scene Description: The Cartman house, afternoon. Cartman is in bed with a bag of chips.
Cartman: [sighing drowsily] Eeehhh.
Announcer: Welcome to Huntin' and Killin with Jimbo and Ned.
Cartman: Eehh, shut up. [stretches] Ooohhh, yeasss.
Liane: [opens the door] Hon, are you ready for some math problems?
Cartman: Eh, not right this second, mother. Put them there by the door.
Liane: Oh, all right. [sets them on the nightstand]
Cartman: Mom?
Liane: Yes?
Cartman: Could you turn up the heat just a little?
Liane: Sure, hon. [turns it up and walks out]
Cartman: Egghhh. Dude, home-schooling rules. [turns to his right side] Yeeehhhhhhss! [goes to sleep.]
Scene Description: The Cotswolds house, afternoon. Kyle approaches the front door and rings the bell. Rebecca answers and immediately puts her hands together
Rebecca: Oh, hel-lo.
Kyle: Hoh! Uh, Rebecca. There's this dance, see, at the school, and um,
Rebecca: He-ey, would you like to come up to my room?
Kyle: Huh?
Rebecca: Woowould you like to come up to my room?
Kyle: Uuuh, okay. [she yanks him in] Gah!
Scene Description: The Cotswolds house, the living room. Mark is talking with his parents
Mr. Cotswolds: I'm sorry, son. There's nothing we can do to stop those bullies. We have to pull you out of public school.
Mark: Oh, papá. Can I at least go to the dance tomorrow?
Mr. Cotswolds: Well alright, you can go, but I'll be there to supervise.
Mark: Alright. [starts to shuffle away]
Mr. Cotswolds: Mark, where's your sister?
Mark: She's upstairs playing Doctor with that Kyle boy.
Mr. Cotswolds: Oh, alright.
Both parents: What?! [they dash to her room]
Mrs. Cotswolds: Rebecca! Aaah! Aaaaah! Noo-hooo!
Mr. Cotswolds: Rebecca, don't play that perverted game! [reaches the door and opens it. Before them is Kyle on his back on a low table covered by a blanket. Rebecca, in scrubs, stands on a chair cutting away at Kyle's hat. Both look at her parents]
Rebecca: I have to extricate a rr-region in his cerebral cortex, or risk ih-nfection to the synaptic responses.
Mr. Cotswolds: Ah. Alright. Rebecca. But it's time to start your home-schooling! [snorts twice and leaves with his wife]
Kyle: Rebecca, there's this dance, see, the South Park Elementary Bay Of Pigs Memorial Dance, and uh, now I was wondering, ih-ih-ih if you wanna go.
Rebecca: [voice quivering] Hhm. Alright, I guess I'll go.
Kyle: You will?
Rebecca: [voice quivering] I guess. Are you gonna go? Maybe I'll see you there.
Kyle: No no. I mean, go with me.
Rebecca: Oh, I'm sure Father will give me a ride. [walks off to her home-schooling. Kyle gets mad and bangs his head against her chair]
Scene Description: The Cartman house, his bedroom. He still looks sleepy.
Cartman: Ahhhhhhhhh. ["Jesus and Pals" is heard in the background] Ahhhhhhhhh-ahhhh. Tired, tired.
Liane: [opens the door] Eric, I got you a new history textbook. Why don't you come downstairs.
Cartman: Wwaargh. Not right now, Mom. [sighs]
Liane: Eric, please. We have to do some studying today.
Cartman: I am studying, Mom. I'm learning with the Fonics Monkey. [she looks over and sees the Fonics Monkey tossing a box of Snacky S'mores around. She withdraws and Cartman yawns again. Stan and Kenny enter]
Stan: Hey, fatass, how's home-schooling going?
Cartman: [sleepily] Oh, it's soo sweet, you guys.
Stan: Well, get your ass out of bed! [Kenny walks off] We have to go deal with that home-school kid!
Cartman: Huh, I can't. I'm too tired. [moves to sleep again] Maybe tomorrow.
Kenny: [to the monkey] (Hey, can I have that?) [reaches for a Snacky S'more in the monkey's hand, but the monkey tosses it away] (Heey.)
Stan: But the big dance is tomorrow and all the guys are gonna duct-tape him to a flagpole.
Cartman: [sleepily] That sounds cool. Maybe I'll go to that.
Kenny: [smacked against a nightstand by the monkey] (Hey!) [the monkey starts tossing him around like a box] (Hey, Cartman, help me.)
Cartman: No, Fonics Monkey! [the monkey throws Kenny up against the ceiling and stomps on him] No, Fonics Monkey, that's a bad Fonics Monkey! [the monkey smashes Kenny against the foot of Cartman's bed several times, then stomps on him until he no longer responds]
Stan: Oh my God, Fonics Monkey killed Kenny!
Cartman: You're damn straight, he did.
Scene Description: The Cotswolds house, later that afternoon. Kyle is in the backyard waiting for Rebecca. She comes out and closes the sliding door.
Kyle: You got my note?
Rebecca: [voice quivering] Uh of course. You taped it to my dog; how could I not see it?
Kyle: Uh, can we sit down?
Rebecca: Wha-y noh-ot? [leads him onto a nice path next to a lovely flowerbed with all sorts of flora] Isn't Papa's garden beautiful? He works so hard on it. [picks a flower]
Kyle: Rebecca, don't you ever... look at the town? At that... [draws close] flicker of light over there?
Rebecca: I... [looks down and away, pulls away a bit] have looked at it.
Kyle: Well, that's a public school. And in it there are children, [draws close] just like us.
Rebecca: How can children go to school on a f-licker of light?
Kyle: From public school, your house is just a flicker of light. [they walk over to a stone bench and sit] Don't you want to go out? All you do is... stay in your house and... study
Rebecca: Well, what else would one do?
Kyle: Love, for one thing.
Rebecca: And woowhat is love?
Kyle: Love ...is the most important thing on... earth. When boys and girls feel ...love, they kiss.
Rebecca: Woowhat means "ki-iss"?
Kyle: When a man and a woman feel ...love... they put their lips together.
Rebecca: Oh, you mean a-a mate. When it is time to increase the herd, my provider will select one for me.
Kyle: Rebecca, in public school, [hops down] we select our... own mate. [walks off a bit] In public school, men and women get together. Make each other happy.
Rebecca: You certainly come from a silly place. Still, I should like to try that... kiss. [he turns to face her] So I cold write about it. [Kyle walks back and sits on the bench] How do we do it?
Kyle: I'm not completely sure.
Rebecca: Should we... [looks at him] l-look it up?
Kyle: No, I think it's something you have to try a few times. Until you get it... right. [she hums as they get closer and closer. Their lips touch. A quick kiss and they pull apart]
Rebecca: Wow. Wow, that was fun! [grabs him]
Kyle: Dah. [she kisses him back, then lets go] Does that mean you'll go to the dance?
Rebecca: Y-you bet your sweet a-ass I will.
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, night. The school is lit up for the dance. Seven boys move towards the flagpole: Pip, Stan, Token, Craig, Butters, Fosse, and Bill
Craig: Alright, here's the plan. Tomorrow night at the dance, when none of the chaperones are looking, you guys go grab Mark. Bring him out here, and then we're gonna duct-tape him to this flagpole.
Stan: Are you sure? He can be out here all night on the flagpole.
Craig: That's the point, buttpipe.
Stan: Don't call me a buttpipe, buttpipe!
Butters: Wewell, come on. We gotta buy us some more duct tape.
Boys: Hooray! [they walk away]
Bill: Hooray. [catches up to the others]
Jimbo: [arrives with a group of men] Alright, here's the plan. All we gotta do is volunteer to chaperone the dance tomorrow. [Randy, Gerald, Ned, and Stuart are also present]
Randy: Uh, why do we want to all chaperone the dance?
Jimbo: Because Cotswolds is gonna to live there. And when he shows up, we all grab him, bring him out here, and duct-tape him to the flagpole!
Gerald: The flagpole! That's great! [Mr. Tweek and Craig's father are now present]
Jimbo: Come on! We gotta buy more duct tape.
Men: [walk away] Alright!
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, night. It's Friday and the kids are gathering in the gym for the dance. Mark is already in the crowd, but the time is not yet. There isn't much to dance to, but kids dance anyway. Wendy and Bebe hop back and forth. Tweek dances as well. Pip is dancing in the background. Annie and Clyde, Token and Red, Kevin, Terrence and Fosse, and the tattered kid stand around.
Stan: [sees Kyle enter and walks to him] Dude, we're gonna go duct-tape that Mark kid to the bleachers. You wanna help? [with him are Craig, Butters, and Cartman.]
Kyle: [with a bouquet of flowers] I can't. I have to wait for Rebecca to show up.
Stan: Oh, brother! [shows his displeasure to the others]
Kyle: Don't you "Oh, brother" me! She's the woman of my dreams!
Stan: You suck now, Kyle! [walks away with the other boys]
Kyle: You suck!
Principal Victoria: [on stage] Boys and girls, can I have your attention, please? This year we have a very special guest performing the South Park Elementary Bay Of Pigs Memorial Dance. He was a musical force in the '70's and '80's. Please welcome Ronnie James Dio! [walks off as the curtains part. Dio appears with his band. The kids look back and say nothing]
Dio: Are you ready to rock, boys and girls?! [silence] I said, are you ready to rock?!
Butters: Uh, uuh, sure uh, I guess.
Dio: Then let's hit it! [the band begins to play] I know you all remember this one. It's off my first solo album. The song that you all helped me make number 1. Holy Diver, you've been down too long in the midnight sea.Oh, what's-
Craig: ["-becoming of me?"] Hey, there he is! There's the home-schooled kid! [Mark enters and stands next to Kyle] Come on! Let's go duct-tape him to the flagpole! ["Ride the tiger."]
Butters: Hey, isn't that the home-schooled kid's sister? ["You can see his stripes but you know he's clean."]
Rebecca: [dressed as a slut] Hi, guys. ["Oh, don't you see what I mean?" She walks up to Butters, kisses him, and walks away]
Butters: Woo-oh Holy Cow! [Kyle and Mark are quite surprised. "Gotta get away."]
Rebecca: [walks over to Token] He-ey, baby. Come s-see me later, 'kay? [grabs his ass and walks off]
Token: What the-? Damn, baby. [rubs his ass. Red looks angrily at Rebecca. Kyle is shocked, and Mark has left]
Rebecca: [walks over to Kyle] Hey, Kyle. Wanna go make out?
Kyle: Rebecca. You...
Mark: [returns] Rebecca, what the devil are you doing? [Pip walks by]
Rebecca: I'm... having... fun, Mark. [reels Pip back and kisses him]
Pip: Oh, my goodness! [hurries off]
Mark: You're out of control. [turns to Kyle] You did this to my sister!
Kyle: Uh. All I did was show her how to-
Mark: You made my sister into a slut! I'll kill you! [leaps at him and slaps him around. The kids gather around to watch the fight, and Dio plays on. Mark throws Kyle into the air]
Kyle: [landing on his back] Aaaah!
Mark: [pounces on again] You dip! I'm gonna whip your bitch ass! [slaps him around some more]
Kyle: Ooww!
Craig: Oh my God!
Stan: Dude, he's kicking the crap out of Kyle!
Butters: Yeah. He's a badass! [smiles]
Randy: [entering] Alright, alright, that's enough, boys. [takes Kyle with him]
Mark: ...I'm not through with you, bitch! [Stan walks up]
Stan: Hey, you're pretty cool, Mark. [Butters walks up]
Butters: Yeah, tha-that was real badass how you stood up for your sister. Uh-uh-I'd have kicked Kyle's bitch ass, too.
Stan: Do you wanna go have some cake with me, Mark? [Craig walks up]
Craig: [grabbing Mark's right hand] No! He's my friend!
Butters: [grabbing Mark's left hand] Eh, he said he'd hang out with me! [Mark smiles, pleased that these guys would fight for his friendship]
Mr. Cotswolds: [enters another door with his wife] They've got to be here somewhere.
Jimbo: Hey, there's Cotswolds. Come on! Let's duct-tape him to the flagpole!
Men: Yeah! [move forward. Mr. Cotswolds goes to some outlet and unplugs the sound system. Dio stops playing]
Mr. Cotswolds: Where are my children?! I'm taking them out of this God-forsaken place!
Mark: [onstage, takes the mic from Dio] Calm down, papá! [Papá looks at Mom] Everything is all right. [the kids look at him] You see, I've learned something today. Public schools may be a bit lacking in education, but it's the main place where children learn all of their social skills. You can't teach a child social skills. They have to learn them themselves. And the only place to do that is on the playground, in the cafeteria, and so on. [his parents listen] Don't you see, papá? That's what happened to your daughter. You tried so hard to keep her from anything sexual, and now look at her. She's a God-damned whore, papá. [Rebecca is listening]
Butters: Well, she sure is.
Mark: I know letting your kids out into the world is scary. I know you wish nothing bad would ever happen to us. But bad things will happen, and we have to start learning now how to deal with those things. [Stan and Kyle look at each other. The men listen]
Mr. Cotswolds: Mark. You're absolutely right. [Mark grins. His mom grins as well] Okay, children. If it's what you want, you can start going to public school.
Kids: Alright! [Rebecca goes up to Kyle and kisses him]
Stan: [goes onstage] Nice speech, nerdo.
Mark: Thanks, gaywad. [Cartman joins them]
Cartman: Now you're gettin' it.
Jimbo: Well, come on, guys. If I'm not mistaken, we still have someone to duct-tape to the flagpole!
Men: Hooray!
Mr. Cotswolds: What?! [the men hoist him up and carry him out the doors]
Mark: See ya, papá! [Dio takes the mic back]
Dio: Well, I'm glad we all learned something today, kids. Now, let's dance! [resumes with "Holy Diver." The Fonics Monkey is drumming with the band. Mr. Cotswolds is now duct-taped to the flagpole]
Dio: Holy Diver, you've been down too long in the midnight sea. Oh, what's becoming of me? [End credits start to roll] Like the tiger. You can see his stripes but you know he's clean. Oh, don't you see what I mean? Gotta get away, Holy Diver.


Scene Description: In Memory of Mary Kay Bergman
Scene Description: Space. A small ship makes its way towards Earth. An alien flies the ship. It has a big brain, and its head is covered with veins that stick out.
Marklar: Marklar, this is Marklar. Approaching Marklar.
Marklar dispatcher: Proceed with marklar and make first contact.
Marklar: Marklar. [the Marklar ship descends to Earth and hovers over a desert. It lands, and the Marklar pilot steps out. It walks forward] Greetings, Marklar, I am Marklar. [Two lions and a lioness look at him hungrily.] I come in marklar. [the lions move towards him] Oh, marklar. [the lions jump him and rips him to shreds] AAAAAAAAAA! [the lions run away carrying chunks of the Marklar in their mouths]
Scene Description: Fade to next day, the Ethiopian desert under the hot sun. The Ethiopians laze about in front of their huts, having nothing to do. The camera pans past the hut to a small white church with a simple cross and a white picket fence.
Woman: Hello, everyone. I am Sister Hollis. I was chosen for my mission work to come here to Africa and teach you all about the teachings of Jesus. [a group of Ethiopians sit cross-legged, with their Bibles in front of them on white benches. This is her Bible class. Above them, two ceiling fans spin, clanking a little] Okay then, do we have our Bibles that were handed out freely? [an Ethiopian attempts to eat one, but Hollis interrupts] No no, we don't eat the Bibles, we read them. [returns to the front] Now, let's turn to Mark 3:19. [the class does not respond] Come on, remember [pulls down a chart]: reading Bible plus accepting Jesus equals food. [the students study the chart, then open their Bibles] Good. Now, who can read Mark 3:19? How about... Marvin? [glissant as the camera switches to Marvin reading. He lowers his Bible]
Marvin: Doundobi godia dyum * *
Hollis: No, Marvin, in God's language. English.
Marvin: Dongdin * * mium bidu [closes his Bible, leaves it, and heads towards the door]
Hollis: Where are you going? Back to your life of sin? Don't you understand that unless you find Christ, you and all your people are doomed to eternal hellfire? [Marvin just opens the door, walks out, and heads towards the desert. He passes his people, who can do nothing but moan]
Ethiopians: Ooooohhh. [some of them cough. Marvin shows surprise as he sees a group of eight people on a hill looking down at a column of smoke. He moves up to them]
Marvin: Duo bet tum debettum * * ghm * *? [the camera goes over the group to reveal the Marklar's ship. Marvin stares in awe] Mah tah guum tyum * * ghm tm tm. [moves towards it. The chief says something, but Marvin continues to the ship. He touches it, and it opens up for him, the sand washing off its surface. The group on the hill screams with joy. Some of the group runs away]
Ethiopian: Necah * * necundat? [Marvin opens the cockpit and hops in]
Chief: Nn * * de co?
Marvin: Umi chu. [presses a button to activate a map display. The cockpit closes and the ship lifts off]
Ethiopian woman: Wobe dabiga gm * *.
Marvin: Gobede *. [presses a button and the ship lurches up. He takes off and comes back, sweeping over the villagers' heads. He takes off into space, into the distance, and then returns. The episode title follows close behind]
Scene Description: Starvin' Marvin in Space
Scene Description: In Star Wars fashion, the camera moves from space down and right to a sunny day in South Park. The camera settles on South Park Elementary as the bell rings. Class is now in session
Mr. Garrison: ...And so, children, that's why Hare Krishnas are totally gay. [the door opens and two agents enter. They start looking under tables and lifting desks, then lower the blinds...] Uh, can I help you?
Agent 1: Yes. I'm Connelly, and this is Sphinx. We're with the CIA.
Sphinx: We're here to speak with some of your students. [turns to them] You [Cartman], you [Kyle], you [Kenny], and you [Stan].
Mr. Garrison: Oh, for Pete's sake, what have you bastards done now?!
Cartman: Hey! That was Kyle that went #2 in the urinal!
Kyle: No it wasn't, fatass! I saw you do it!
Connelly: Boys, we need to talk to you about a matter of national security. Now!
Kenny: (Huh?) [Connelly takes Cartman and Kyle, Sphinx takes Kenny and Stan. They then carry the boys out the door. Sphinx reaches back to close it]
Mr. Garrison: I hope you give them the chair! [turns back to the chalkboard] Anyway, children, as I was saying, Hare Krishnas are totally gay. [writes "Hare Krishnas" on the board.]
Scene Description: A military complex. The boys are seated inside a hangar, with a lamp shining on them.
Cartman: Oh, dude, this is not cool!
Kyle: Relax, fatass.
Cartman: No. Dude, I've seen this on TV. They shine that light in your face, and then they try to get you to tell them stuff by squeezing your balls really hard.
Stan: What??
Cartman: Dude, I've seen it! They grab your balls with their leather-gloved hands and they squeeze 'em as hard as they can until they pop like little grapes!
Stan, Kyle: Ow, dude! [the hangar doors open and the two agents enter]
Cartman: [pointing] Start with Kenny! Start with Kenny! [Kenny looks at him]
Sphinx: Relax, boys. We just need to talk with you.
Stan: * I told you, fatass.
Connelly: Approximately 31 hours ago, an ethnic-looking child was spotted flying some kind of state-of-the-art space craft over Chinese air space.
Cartman: Whoa, cool.
Sphinx: Cool? That craft appears to have enough plutonium fuel on board to blow up a large city! Do you think that's cool?!
Cartman: Totally!
Connelly: Alright, children, we just need to know one thing: Do you know this person? [holds up a picture of Marvin]
Cartman: Heeyy, that's Starvin' Marvin.
Stan: Sshh!
Connelly: Who?
Kyle: You dumbass, Cartman! Now they're gonna go squeeze his balls!
Cartman: Oh. We don't know him.
Sphinx: We already know you know him. We have this! [a picture of the boys standing behind Marvin outside King Jimmy's Buffet] Now, who is he?! [Kyle farts, and the boys laugh]
Cartman: Kyle's makin' mudpies; you guys want one? [the agents walk away and talk with each other. The boys laugh for a long time...]
Connelly: This is getting us nowhere. We'll have to resort to more drastic measures.
Sphinx: But they're just kids. We can't torture them.
Connelly: Look, we don't know what that craft is capable of, but the kid is going to have to land it somewhere. God only knows what sadistic backwards Third-World country could get their hands on that ship!
Scene Description: Australia. The ship heads towards it, with a song playing in the cockpit. Marvin is enjoying his flight, but the screen tells him to debark
Singer: Soaring so high above the world,Never thought I could be so free.I'm one with the birds, and magic is all I see.
Man 1: [pointing] Oy, look up there! [the ship descends and the engines turn off]
Man 2: It's a UFO! [the windshield rolls back]
Crowd: [start backing up] Oohh?!
Marvin: [appears] Dogom * Dommm * *.
Man 3: Boy, that's one creeepy alien.
Marvin: Gmm * Mmm-mm * *.
Man 4: [prodding] Talk to 'im, Mayor. [the Mayor walks up to Marvin and speaks]
Mayor: Great and noble alien creature. As Mayor of the fine planet of Australia, I welcome you to our fine... planet of Australia. Chippy chip
Crowd: Churrah! [Marvin pulls out pencil and paper and starts drawing...]
Mayor: Look out, he's got a gun! [shields his face. The others cower]
Man 5: Wait, it's not a gun. It's a piece of paper.
Mayor: Oh. [the paper has a drawing of Australia and of Marvin's people. Marvin draws an arrow from his people to Australia] Oh, I think he's tryin' to tell us that he wants to relocate all his species here to Australia.
Marvin: * * Muogleblabla mb'g * *.
Mayor: Well, you certainly are all welcome 'ere, alien. In fact, there's a mission right over there that will take all your people in. [it looks just like the one he left in Ethiopia. A woman is at the door.]
Woman: Hello-o. [Marvin looks, and the smile leaves his face. He hops back into the craft and takes off]
Mayor: Guess the little pecker doesn't like missionaries.
Scene Description: The military complex. The children are being tortured, but not physically. They moan and grunt
Sphinx: Now, I'll ask you again. Who is the little boy that took our ship?
Stan: We don't know. [some scratching is heard]
The Boys: Aaaaaaaa! [Sphinx is scratching at a balloon] Aaaaaaaa!
Connelly: [holds up a picture of Marvin in the spacecraft] Who is this person!
Cartman: [gasping] K-kill me.
Connelly: Do it again. [Sphinx scratches the balloon...]
The Boys: Aaaaaaaa!
Cartman: No wait. I'll tell you. [the agents take off their ear muffs] He's, he's a little starving Ethiopian kid. We adopted him.
Kyle: Cartman!
Sphinx: Adopted from whom?
Cartman: Sally. Sally Struthers. The lady on TV. She knows everything. Sally Struthers.
Connelly: Sally Struthers!
Sphinx: Where can we find her?!
Connelly: I know exactly where Sall Struthers is. Let them go.
Kyle: Good job, fatass!
Cartman: Dude, I couldn't take anymore of that balloon. Another couple hours of that, and I would've been totally pissed off.
Stan: [moving past Kyle and Cartman] Whatever. Let's go see what's on TV.
Scene Description: Ethiopia, the FEED THE CHILDREN FOUNDATION building. The agents sit in the lobby reading newspapers
Receptionist: Gentlemen, Ms. Struthers can see you now. [the men rise and go for the door, but before they enter Connelly stops and closes the door]
Connelly: I'm warning you, Bill. Sally Struthers is a bit heavy. But don't say anything, because she's pretty sensitive.
Sphinx: Oh, I would never say anything. I saw some show where they made fun of Sally Struthers' weight, and I thought it was totally cruel. I mean, she helps people, you know. [they enter. The storage room has been transformed into awfully dark living quarters for her]
Connelly: Ah, Ms. Struthers.
Sally: Oh ho ho ho. [she now has the shape of a Hutt] Un chaka solo david. Saime no Chewbacca dakaiminbi? ho ho. ["Hello gentlemen. How can I help you?"]
Connelly: Ms. Struthers. We understand you have helped raise millions of dollars to help starving children in Ethiopia.
Sally: Oh? Makarendae bi cho. ["I do my best."] Ho ho ho.
Connelly: We need information on one of the Ethiopians. You must tell us everything you know about him. [waves his hand in a Jedi fashion]
Sally: Do ba kim.
Sphinx: Uh, heh-his name is Starving Marvin.
Sally: [begins to sniff around] Jonoba unko chocolate Yum Yum bar ancho? ["Is that a chocolate Yum Yum bar in your pocket?"]
Connelly: Why, yes. It is a chocolate Yum Yum bar, Ms. Struthers [removes it from his coat pocker and waves it around], and there are several more where that came from. [Sally licks her lips. Connelly sees a trash can nearby and opens it, then dangles the bar over it] Of course, if you don't want to tell us about the Ethiopian boy...
Sally: Mmmmo na ka!
Connelly: [closes the trashcan and walks over with the candy bar] I'm... glad we can do business.
Scene Description: Cartman's house, night. The boys are on the sofa watching TV. Cartman has the remote
Stan: Come on, dude. There's gotta be somethin' about Starvin' Marvin in the news.
Cartman: Well, I can't find anything- wait. What's this? [a shot of Pat Robertson asking for pledges on the CBC channel.]
Pat: Uh, God wants you to send us money. He needs you to send us money so we can help others.
Cartman: Oh, my God, this guy again. ["What we do is- "]
Kyle: Why would anybody send this asshole money? ["-we go all around the world and-"]
Kenny: (To pay for the pockets on his peehole) [The boys laugh. "-we give Bibles and and, and..."]
Kyle: Yeh-hah. [They hear noise outside, and soon Marvin's ship crashes through the front wall of the house.]
Boys: Whoa! [They rush outside to see the rest of the ship. Cartman goes to see the damage]
Cartman: Oh! Aww! [Part of the second story of the house falls away.] Oh, weak! [Marvin hops down from the ship]
Kyle: Starvin' Marvin!
Marvin: Bongi groinit * *.
Kyle: He did take a ship.
Cartman: Well nice job, Marvin! I hope you got about a thousand dollars to pay for my house!
Marvin: Ingan *.
Stan: Dude, you're gonna get busted for taking this thing.
Marvin: Chede gwodum * * godom.
Kyle: I think he wants us to get in.
Stan: Kick ass! [Marvin returns to the pilot's seat; the others hop in and stand around him.] Wow, this thing is awesome!
Kyle: Let's go somewhere. [Marvin pulls the ship out of Cartman's house and flies low over the ground]
Singer: Soaring so high above the world,Never thought I could be so free.
Stan: [the ship goes higher, over other cities] Wow!
Kyle: Yes!
Singer: I'm one with the birds, and magic is all I see.
Stan: This is great!
Cartman: Yeah, but where's that crappy song coming from? Could you turn that off? ["And it's a wonderful day 'cause something-"]
Marvin: [turns off the music] Gmmm?
Stan: Yeah, that's better.
Scene Description: Ethiopia, day. A man tries to rise, but doesn't have the energy to do it
Man: Oooh. [falls back on his pillow. Sister Hollis comes up]
Hollis: Hello? Howare we doing today? Look what I got for you.
Man: [quickly rising] Nn * wohg *?
Hollis: No, it's not food. It's a cross. [hands it to him] And it has your Christian name printed on it. From now on, you are Michael. Can you say "Michael"? [the man clicks and holds up the cross] Mmmi-chael. [the man clicks again] Oh, well. You'll get it. [walks away and heads over to a family of four] Hello, brother David. Do you have any sins to confess? [David does not respond, but a fly lands on his eye] Anybody? Sins to confess? Joshua? [he just looks up at her] You know, today I'm reminded of Psalm 46, line 39: "Though the mountains shake and th-" [the CIA agents walk up]
Connelly: Here they are!
Hollis: Who are you?
Connelly: We're with the American government! Sally Struthers told us where we'd find Marvin's parents!
Sphinx: Hello there, Mr. and Mrs. Clickclickderk. I think you know why we're here. [the family stares in horror]
Scene Description: The Marklar ship, night. The boys are flying over a desert
Kyle: No, dude, you don't wanna bring your people to Mexico, there's missionaries there, too.
Marvin: Blubedegub? [points to Utah on the map]
Cartman: No way, not Utah. Utah's nothin' but missionaries.
Stan: Dude, it looks like he's tried everywhere in the world. [the world map is shown]
Cartman: Well, he hasn't been here yet. Where's this? [presses a big red button on the left side of the display panel. The ship bucks and heads into space.]
Boys: Whooaaa! [the ship rolls sideways for a moment]
Stan: What the hell did you hit, Cartman?! [a wormhole appears before them, and they head for it]
Kyle: Oh, my God! What the hell is that thing?! [the ship races into the wormhole]
Boys: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaa! [everything inside the ship begins to twist and warp] Aaaaaaaaaaaaaa! [more twisting and warping, and the ship races out of the wormhole into a star system with a green planet. Everything inside the ship is normal again]
Kyle: [gasps] Where are we?
Marvin: Gobin gobedo * * gowog. [the ship heads down into the atmosphere and then towards an island]
Stan: We're on like, some foreign planet.
Kyle: This place is rad. Look at all the trees and stuff.
Marvin: Gewhit * * Gewit um hebed wabaduh. Gabalah. [the ship descends to a plain next to a waterfall, and lands]
Scene Description: Planet Marklar, day. The ship's windshield rolls back. The boys climb down and look around
Marvin: Badak bladla buk.
Marklar Leader: Greetings. Welcome to Marklar.
Stan: Uh, thanks.
Marklar Leader: I am Marklar, leader of the Marklar.
Stan: U-uh, cool. My name is Stan, and a-uh, I'm the leader of Earth.
Marklar Leader: [bows] Marklar to you.
Stan: Cool!
Cartman: Ey! I'm the leader of Earth!
Sta: Screw you, Cartman! I called leader first!
Cartman: Well, you can call leader 'til your ass bleeds, but that doesn't make it true! [the Marklar leader looks a bit confused. Marvin steps forward and smiles. The land around the group is green and lush, water is plentiful...]
Marklar Leader: We are very thankful to you for bringing our marklar back to us.
Kyle: [joins Marvin] Wait. I thought you called your planet Marklar.
Marklar Leader: Oh, here on Marklar, we refer to all people, places, and things as marklar.
Kyle: Well, our friend Marvin and all his people have to live on a part of Earth that sucks ass. They can't grow food or nothin'.
Stan: [Cartman looks in pleasant wonder] Yeah, so it would be really cool if you would let Marvin and all his people come live here.
Marklar Leader: Well, there is a lot of room on Marklar. If Marklar here wants to bring his marklar to Marklar, that would be fine. Just take our marklar back to Marklar and bring all the marklar back with you.
Stan: Uuh. Thanks.
Marvin: * *.
Scene Description: Ethiopia, day. The agents are still drilling Marvin's family
Connelly: Let's go through this one more time, Mr. and Mrs. Clickclickderk! Your son Marvin has the ship that we want! How can we get it from him? [the family sits still]
Sphinx: [switching places with Connelly] We are the CIA. That ship needs to be with us! Maybe we should just take something precious of yours, huh?! [lifts his shades and scans the area] Daha! [picks up a gourd and dangles it] This! This gourd-thingy, for instance. How do you like that, huh? If you ever wanna see this... little... thingy again, I suggest you contact your boy! [the family just looks at him. At that moment, the Marklar ship zooms over the little village, and the villagers raise a ruckus over Marvin's return. The ship stops and descends, engines roaring]
Sphinx: There it is! [Hollis covers her ears. The ship lands and everyone moves towards it. The windshield rolls back and the boys scramble down from the ship]
Marvin: Muwuhbuh * * mlamleblubluh mjek.
Connelly: Back away from the space craft, children!
Stan: Nno. No, it's okay. The ship took us to another planet. A beautiful, lush place called Marklar.
Kyle: Yeah. And the leader, he said that all the Ethiopians can go live there. [the Ethiopians all begin to speak]
Hollis: Alien race? Have they... heard the word of Christ?
Cartman: No, never. It's perfect.
Hollis: Ooh, no. Those poor souls. We must spread the Gospel to them. [hurries away]
Stan: What??
Marvin: *. [walks to Hollis] Mluglu dja mugm blugabeb * * *.
Kyle: Come on, Marvin! We've gotta get your people to Marklar before the missionaries do!
Connelly: You'll do nothing of the kind! This ship is now property of the United States Government!
Kyle: No! [agents rush in from all sides and some black helicopters appear over the space ship. Two FBI agents come and stand behind the boys.]
Marvin: [tugs at Hollis' dress] Dor dor binor hm ghm.
Sphinx: Call those boys' mothers. [Connelly starts dialing] I'm sure they'll be very interested in the trouble their boys have been up to.
Kyle: Oh, no, dude!
Scene Description: CBC television studios. The CBC logo, a pair of angel wings topped by a halo, and CBC printed in front of them, fills the screen. Next comes "Christian Broadcasting Channel"
Pat: ["TO PLEDGE CALL: 1-800-555-2717"] You know, Susan, the uh-there are so many great missionaries doing work, out there in in in-in parts of Africa, and uh we're trying to get Bibles to people all over the world. And what we need, is the help of everyone out there so that we can continue these, these projects. Now, listen to this, Susan. [a picture of Hollis with two Ethiopians appears over his right shoulder] Wha-one of our missionaries in North Africa has made an amazing discovery. U-u-uh a new planet, in the in the galaxy Alpha Seti VI, that has intelligent life on it.
Susan: Amazing.
Pat: Yeah. We're not sure what these hyper-intelligent beings look like, but one thing is for sure: they've never heard of Jesus Christ.
Susan: What can we do at the 600 Club to help those poor aliens?
Pat: Well, what we need, Susan, is we need money to build an interstellar cruiser. [a diagram of said cruiser appears over his shoulder: the XT-9000] Now, this space ship will be able to travel through a wormhole and deliver the message and guh-glory of Jesus Christ to those godless aliens. S-send your money now. Amen.
Scene Description: Ethiopia. The agents are still investigating...
Connelly: I want everyone to keep a safe distance from the craft until we can run some tests.
FBI agent: [walks up] E-excuse me, gentlemen, uh Tom Brokaw is here to see you.
Sphinx: Tom Brokaw? Oh no, the press already? [the CIA agents walk over]
"Brokaw": [sounds like Cartman] Oh. Good day, gentlemen. [the yellow headband and the shape of the pant legs look familiar...]
Sphinx: Uh huh. [FBI agents gather behind him and Connelly] Mr. Brokaw, I presume.
"Brokaw": You presume wisely, sir. I'm here to get the big story, the big scoop. [Marvin tip-toes to the ship unnoticed] I understand that you've found some kind of ship from an alien race. [Marvin opens the cargo door and signals for his people to enter the ship. They start doing so] Seeing as though I am Pulitzer-prize-winning Tom Brokaw...
Connelly: Look, kid. Did you really think this was going to fool anybody? You don't look anything like Tom Brokaw.
"Brokaw": What?! Do you question my integritah?!
Kyle: [from the pants] I told you Tom Brokaw doesn't have a mustache, fatass!
"Brokaw": Buh-eh, ugh. I had some bad burritos today.
Marvin: * * wughum chughum * *, * *.
Connelly: [he and Sphinx remove the men's clothes from the boys] Alright boys. Time to get back to your quarters.
Stan: Oh. [the cargo door closes and Marvin is ready to take off]
Connelly: Son of a bitch!
Stan: Run for it!
Connelly: Get 'em! [two FBI agents move]
Cartman: Wah-ey. Come on you guys, wait!
Kyle: Watch out! Here I come!
Kenny: (Hey, you guys, I'm a little bit be-) [trips over a rock and lands on his face] (Oof.)
Kyle: Kenny!
Cartman: Forget him! He's done for! [Stan climbs up and looks back]
Stan: He's not done for, he's standing right there.
Kenny: (You guys, just fly away!)
Cartman: No, no, he's done for. Come on! [the windshield rolls down and the ship takes off. It zooms into the distance, then straight up into space. The helicopters could not catch up]
Sphinx: [holding Kenny] Nooo!
Connelly: Damnit, damnit, damnit!
Scene Description: The Marklar ship, space. The ship speeds away from Earth.
Stan: Alright, we made it!
Kyle: Okay, Marvin. Time to take your people to their new home!
Marvin: Gakchak ghm. [a blast is felt inside. Its impact site is near the cockpit]
Kyle: What was that? [the CBC's XT-9000 appears behind them. Inside, Sister Hollis is manning the bridge, with another woman and four men.]
Hollis: This is the Missionary 600. We have you locked on "fire: ready." Turn back right now. [another shot is fired, and the Marklar ship is hit again.]
Boys: Aaaa!
Ethiopians: [tossed to one side of the cargo bay] Whoa!
Stan: They're shooting at us.
Kyle: Quick, Marvin. Get us to Marklar.
Marvin: [tries all the buttons, including the red one, but to no avail] Midik, gmanjaum * *.
Kyle: Well, how'd we do it last time??
Stan: Cartman just hit the button, and the ship flew itself.
Kyle: Which button did you press, Cartman??
Cartman: U-u-huh. I don't remember.
Kyle: You don't remember?!
Stan: You dumbass, Cartman!
Cartman: Hey, I was under duress! Maybe it waaas this one. [presses the big red button]
Singer: Soaring so high above the world.
The boys: Aawwww!
Singer: Never-
Scene Description: The Missionary 600, still pursuing the Marklar ship
Hollis: The ship seems to be made out of a... super-strong alloy. These lasers aren't powerful enough.
Scene Description: The 600 Club, Pat Robertson reporting
Pat: Everyone, the Word of God is going around the world and all your help is so greatly appreciated. Eh-oo What we need now is an argon crystal laser. [the 900txl] Eh you see, an argon crystal laser can pierce thick space holes in a way that other lasers just can't. Send your money now. Uuh-I th-thank you.
Scene Description: Ethiopia, day. Feed The Children Foundation. The agents are talking to Sally Struthers
Sally: [eating her way through a box of food relief] Onadonakami?
Connelly: Ms. Struthers, we understand that you have a ship of your own. One capable of interstellar travel.
Sally: Chewmbacca vije dai gwo. ["Maybe I do, and maybe I don't."]
Sphinx: We need to use your ship to catch those boys. We will do anything for that technology.
Sally: Juodo nakahobi? Ho ho ho ho. ["Why should I help you?"]
Sphinx: Ms. Struthers, if those Ethiopians make it to another planet, who will send money to your foundation? Without Ethiopians, you have no food.
Sally: Wo? Wo chaka gom??
Connelly: Oh, that won't be a problem, Ms. Struthers. We have... collateral. [steps aside and brings Kenny in]
Kenny: (Oh my God, I get it.)
Sally: Oh ho ho ho ho ho ho. [a small creature pops out and laughs]
Scene Description: The Missionary 600, still pursuing the Marklar ship
Hollis: I have the infidels in my sight. [the Marklar ship tries evasive maneuvers, but it is hit again.]
Cartman: Holy shit!
Ethiopians: [tossed to the other side of the cargo bay] Whoa!
Marvin: Doye dondabuh. [swings the ship around and fires two blasts at the Missionary 600]
Crew: Aaah.
Hollis: Holy crap, they have photon torpedoes.
Scene Description: The 600 Club, Pat Robertson reporting
Pat: Uhnow, our deflector shields are useless against phorton torpedoes, and we really need your support on this one, folks. Here at the 600 Club we need your money to spread the Word of Jesus, and build more advanced deflector shields for our galactic cruiser. Call now, and we'll give you this free pin. [a CBC logo pin]
Scene Description: Space. The Missionary 600 and the Marklar ship now do battle. Marvin fires at the Missionaary 600 twice more.
600 Crew: Aaah.
Stan: You got 'em, Marvin.
Kyle: Yeah, now finish 'em off! [a huge junker comes up behind and fires at them]
Computer: [female voice] Warning. Deflector shields failing.
Kyle: Where did that come from??
Sally: Ho ho ho ho. [the CIA agents stand behind her, and two other men are at the helm]
Connelly: Good! Now get them in our tractor beam! [the beam is activated and holds the Marklar ship in place. The Missionary 600 comes around and faces the Marklar ship]
Hollis: Now we've got 'em! [in the Marklar ship, the boys look at the screen...]
Sally: Ho ho ho ho.
Cartman: It's Sally Struthers!
Hollis: Well, it appears they'll be going back to Ethiopia, so we can go on to the aliens.
Kyle: Sorry, Marvin. We tried.
Cartman: Wait. Ms. Struthers? Ms. Struthers!
Sally: Wo?
Cartman: Ms. Struthers, please. Just listen to me for one second. You started the Feed the Children Foundation for wonderful reasons: to help starving, helpless people who live in a rotten part of the world. Well, it's for those reasons we wanna help our friend Marvin now. [Sally looks moved]
Sally: Holna chewbacca? ["Because of me?"]
Sphinx: Ms. Struthers, don't forget the gift we gave you: the child in carbonite. [points. The camera pans over to a panel which shows Kenny encased in carbonite]
Sally: Dama doko nou na oh. ["Let him speak."]
Cartman: Ms. Struthers. You helped so many people, and you've taught us that helping people is what life is all about. All we wanna do is... be like you. [Sally considers Cartman's statements for a moment, then...]
Sally: Oh, foada! ["You're right!" She presses a button, and the tractor beam switches off the Marklar ship and on the Missionary 600]
600 Crew: [the bridge jerks a bit] Whoa! [the beam pulls the Missionary 600 closer to the junker.]
Cartman: She bought it.
Stan: Sally Struthers is saving us!
Scene Description: The 600 Club, Pat Robertson reporting
Pat: Uh, now, now, stay with me on this one, folks. Uh, Sally Struthers has a Tiberian junker [pictured in a window], which is uh the favorite ship of the Hutts, and she has trapped oureh, our our new CBC ship in an uh [struggling] poe-sitronic tractor beam. [a stage hand holds up this cue card that reads: Tractor Beam, so we're gonna need a Ionic Tractor Disruptor] Uh, so we're gonna need an ionic tractor disruptor. Now now, not a regular ionic di- tractor disruptor, but a negative ionic tractor disruptor to uh, help spread the Word of Jesus. [to Susan, softly] I don't have a fucking idea up here.
Scene Description: Space. The junker is busy pulling the Missionary 600 in. The Marklar ship is free to leave
Stan: Now's our chance!
Cartman: Wait. I remember. It was the red button! [presses it, and the ship zooms away. The wormhole appears again and the ship head for it]
Hollis: They've opened the wormhole!
Kyle: It's pulling us in! [the junker and the Missionary 600 give chase. All three ships enter the wormhole, and all experience its warping effects.]
Boys: Aaaah!
600 Crew: Aaaah! [the ships rush out of the wormhole and into Alpha Seti VI, near the Marklar planet]
Scene Description: Marklar. The ship land. The Missionary 600 has to lean to one side. All parties are out of their ships
Kyle: Marvin... [everyone talks at once]
Marklar: Please, please, please. We are confused. You must explain one at a Marklar.
Hollis: Alien friend, we are here to spread the Word of Jesus. He died for your sins.
Marklar: Who? Marklar?
Stan: We brought Marvin and his people to live here, but these buttholes followed us.
Marklar: Brought m- marklar??
Hollis: What is "marklar"?
Marklar: Yyou're marklar; everyone and everything is referred to as marklar.
Sphinx: Doesn't that get confusing?
Marklar: Oh no. Watch this. Hey, Marklar!
Marklar: [in orange robe] Yes?
Marklar: You see?
Kyle: [steps forward] Wait. Wait. I think I can explain this whole thing. Marklar, these marklars want to change your marklar. They don't want Marklar or any of these marklars to live here because it's bad for their marklar. They use Marklar to try and force marklars to believe they're marklar. If you let them stay here, they will build marklars and marklars. They will take all your marklars and replace them with Marklar. These marklar have no good marklar to live on Marklar, so they must come here to Marklar. Please, let these marklars stay where they can grow and prosper without any marklars, marklars, eh or marklars.
Marklar: Young marklar, your marklars are wise and true.
Hollis: What the hell did he say?
Stan: [hushed] Wow! Good job, dude!
Kyle: Thanks.
Marklar: The marklars can stay!
Ethiopians: Wooo!
Boys: Alright!
Cartman: Alright,
Marklar: You marklars must leave.
Hollis: But you will all burn forever in eternal hellfire. [she and the other woman are taken away]
Marklar: Yes, that's nice. Thank you for stopping by.
Stan: Well Marvin, it was sure cool seeing you again.
Marvin: Chak chak glika gm gm guchab mglup.
Kyle: No, we gotta go. Sally Struthers is gonna give us a ride back to Earth.
Sally: Bwo chaaga bi.
Boys: [leaving] Goodbye, Marvin.
Marvin: Chak chak m geteaub m * *.
Stan: Maybe we'll come and visit sometime.
Cartman: Yeah, and maybe Jesse Jackson will be President, heh.
Stan: Dude!
Cartman: What? We're not gonna come visit him.
Stan: I know, but you don't tell him that!
Cartman: T'heh, whatever. [the Ethiopians chatter over their new home and head for the lake at the foot of the waterfall]
DVDA: [Over end credits] I am Chewbacca I am a Wookie I am Chewbacca I have no home My home is where My spirit goes


Scene Description: The bus stop, morning. The boys are dressed in Union blue. Stan bears the flag, Kyle and Kenny have fifes, and Cartman carries a drum.
Stan: Ready? 1-2-3-4. [the boys begin to march forward and play.]
Cartman: Hey, dude. Do you like to rock?! [answers himself] Yes, I like to rock! Helloo, Baltimore!
Kyle: Cartman, what the hell are you doing?
Cartman: I'm playing the drum.
Kyle: Well, you have to hit it softer!
Cartman: You can't just "hit" a drum, you have to beat the shit out of it! [to the drum, hitting it once in a while] Shut you butthole, or I'll kick your ass, you fucking drum!! [to Kyle] That's how you rock, dude.
Kyle: You're not supposed to rock, you're supposed to keep the beat!
Cartman: I am keepin' the beat; your flute-playing sucks!
Stan: That's it, Cartman, you can't be the drummer!
Cartman: Ey, I'll get it!
Kyle: Dude, the Civil War reenactment is tomorrow! You're not gonna get it by tomorrow!
Cartman: Yes I will!
Stan: Alright alright. Let's just try it again. 1-2-3-4. [again, the march and play. Cartman gets carried away and the others glare at him]
Cartman: Go!!! Does Cleveland like to rock?! Go!!! Yes, damn it!
Kyle: Cartman!!! [Cartman stops]
Cartman: What?
Kyle: Give me the drum, and you play the flute.
Cartman: No way! Flutes are totally gay!
Kenny: [inspects his flute] (Flutes are gay?)
Stan: Cartman, I'm the leader of the Reenactment Fife and Drum Squad, and I say you play the flute!
Cartman: Oh! Well, you know what I say?! [drops his drum and jumps on it] Screw you guys, I'm going home! [walks away, leaving the drum split in two]
Kyle: You dick!
Cartman: Later.
Scene Description: The South Park Banquet Hall, 8:04 A.M., morning of reenactment. "Welcome Reenacters." People inside chatter away
Jimbo: Alrighty everyone. We just have a few things to go over before we head out to the reenactment battlefield. [the townsmen are dressed in the Blue and the Grey] First of all, I have great news. There are over 200 folks from around the state that have come to see this year's reenactment, and that's the best turnout ever!
Men: [jump and cheer] Yes! Woohoo, yea!
Stan: Where the hell is Cartman? If he misses the orientation, they're not gonna let him in the reenactment. [Kyle and Kenny are also present]
Kyle: He'll show.
Stan: He'd better!
Jimbo: I'm also very proud to announce that this year's alcohol sponsor, Jagermin's S'more-flavored Schnapps, the schnapps with the delightful taste of s'mores.
Men: Whoa. Mmm.
Mr. Garrison: Mmm. It does taste like s'mores.
Stuart: [coughs] Hih yeah, and it's got quite a kick, too.
Jimbo: And now, to clarify how the reenactment should unfold, let's bring up our master historian, Grandpa Marvin Marsh, [Grandpa rolls up in his wheelchair amid applause] the only man old enough to have actually seen the Civil War... reenactment of 1924.
Kyle: Wow, dude! Your grandpa still isn't dead?
Stan: Dude, that's not cool.
Cartman: [arrives dressed in the Grey] Good morning, gentlemen.
Stan: Cartman, what the hell are you doing?
Kyle: Yeah! You're dressed up like the South.
Cartman: Yes. This year, I've decided to fight for the glorious South. Screw you guys, home. And may I say that we're going to whup your ass this time.
Stan: You can't just come to a Civil War reenactment dressed up like General Lee, fatass!
Cartman: Oh, really? I'm pretty sure I just did.
Grandpa: Okay, you all know the rules. You must fire your blanks into the air, and if someone says they killed ya, you gotta play dead.
Kyle: The South loses this battle, Cartman. They lose the war!
Cartman: Nuh uhn, the South is gonna win.
Kyle: No they're not, stupid!
Cartman: Yes we are!
Kyle: How much do you wanna bet?!
Jimbo: Now remember, everybody: for a good reenactment we've got to pretend down to the last detail that we're really in the Civil War. So when the North wins, all of us on the Confederate side should act all bummed and depressed. [continues as the boys speak]
Kyle: Come on, Cartman! How much do you wanna bet the South doesn't win?!
Cartman: Well, this war is about slavery, so how about if the South wins, you two assholes have to be my slaves for a month.
Kyle: And if the North wins you're our slave for a month??
Cartman: Right.
Kyle: You're on!
Cartman: Then I shall bid you good morning, gentlemen, and see you on the battlefield. [walks away]
Stan: Hoohoo what a dumbass!
Kyle: Yeah. He doesn't even know that the South loses the Civil War.
Stan: It's gonna be rad having Cartman be our slave.
Jimbo: ...And with that, let's all go to Tamarack Hill and put on a good show!
Men: [jump and cheer] Yes! Woohoo, yea!
Scene Description: "Tamarack Hill," 9:00 A.M. The Reenactment. Bleachers flank Grandpa on either side as the North and the South face off before him. Each side has set up its camp
Announcer: Welcome to the South Park reenactment of the Battle of Tamarack Hill. The men in gray are the Confederacy, from the South [Butters is there]; in blue are the Union, from the North [Chef is there, and Kenny has the drum].
Grandpa: [addressing the spectators] It was a cold morning in 1862. The Union Army had to get the bell of Appomattox down from Tamarack Hill. What ensued was a bloody battle, but after many hours, the Union Army prevailed. Here now is the reenactment of that great battle. [blows the whistle]
Jimbo: [leading the South] Forward! [The South advances]
Randy: [leading the North] Let's bring those Confederate bastards down! [the North advances, the boys play their tune]
Jimbo: Fire! [some guns go off]
Confederate Reenactors: Yeah!
Randy: Alright men, fire! [some guns go off]
Union Reenactors: Yeah! [the battle is joined, and men left and right begin to drop away. Others scream]
Randy: Hey, uh, I shot you, Ned. You have to fall down.
Ned: [Jimbo fires a few shots] Ow.
Randy: Yeh-hah! [the battle continues, and even a cow gets into the act]
Man 1: [in the stands] Oh, so this is what it was like. [the battle continues, but now it's hand-to-hand combat. Cartman reaches the bell and starts to push it down the hill]
Man 2: Hey! What's that guy doing?!
Cartman: Yippie! Long live the Confederacy!
Reenactors: [on both sides] Huh? Wha-?
Grandpa: What the hell?
Randy: He took the bell!
Gerald: He can't do that!
Grandpa: The Confederacy doesn't take the bell!
Cartman: [skating by on the bell] Hooray for the South!
Stan: Cartman, you can't do that!
Grandpa: God dammit! Now we have to start over!
Scene Description: 10:24 A.M., reenactment - second attempt.
Jimbo: Alrighty everyone. [Cartman walks up] We're going to do the entire reenactment again, because of some confusion over the bell. Now, I know you're just trying to help Eric, but we have to let the Union capture the bell this time.
Cartman: But why? Why should they get the bell?
Jimbo: Wuh. Well, 'cause we're supposed to lose.
Cartman: But we don't have to lose.
Jimbo: What??
Cartman: [assuming command] Gentlemen, we can win this battle! [paces] Sure, we could lose, and tonight we can go back to our families and say, "We did it! We lost like we were supposed to! Aren't we proud?!" Or, or we take that hill. We take that hill, and when we stand tall upon it, we hold our heads high, and we yell, "Not this year! This year belongs to the Confederaseh!" [some of the men drink schnapps]
Jimbo: [takes a swig] By God, he's right!
Mr. Garrison: Jimbo!
Jimbo: Yeah, I've been reenacting this war for 22 years now. And for 22 years us Confederate reenactors have had to spend the evening being ridiculed and made fun of by the Union reenactors! Well, I'm sick of it!
Mr. Garrison: Yeah! Why do we have to be their bitches every year?!
Stuart: I'm tired of losing this battle!
Jimbo: And I say it's high time we kicked some ass! Who's with me?!
Reenactors: Yeah!
Reenactor: Yeah! [drops down drunk. Cartman grins]
Scene Description: The battlefield
Grandpa: Alright, folks. Sorry for the false start. We're ready to go again. It was a cold morning in 1862. The Union Army had to- [turns at the sound of a gun shot and looks as the Confederates charge down the field]
Confederate 1: Yaaaaah!
Confederate 2: Come on! Just give up! We're not gonna let you live another day!
Gerald: Uh, what are they doing?
Mr. Garrison: [drunk] You Yankee sons of bitches!
Randy: [a Confederate shoots him on the belly] Ow! That hurt!
Grandpa: God dammit, what the hell are they doing?!
Kyle: What do we do?!
Stan: Run for your life, dude! [the boys run off. Cartman watches from the hill as the battle rages on]
Cartman: God bless those men that fight for their freedom. God bless those men! And God bless the Confederasah!
Reenactor: Come on!
Randy: [tackled by Jimbo] Oh?
Jimbo: [pins Randy to the ground] Surrender your men, general!
Randy: Jimbo, have you lost your mind?!
Jimbo: [yells] SURRENDER YOUR MEN, GENERAL!
Randy: Alright, alright. We surrender. [the Union soldiers drop their guns and raise their arms. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny walk out from behind a tree with their hands up.]
Barbrady: [in the stands] The South win?
Jimbo: The South wins!
Reenactors: Yeah, woohoo!
Grandpa: God dammit!
Scene Description: South Park Banquet Hall, 3:45 p.m. Reenactment after party. The men are all in conversation
Jimbo: [walks up to Randy] Well, we can all be friends now. [nudges him] Come on, Randy. Have some s'more schnapps. [hands Randy a bottle]
Randy: Uh, I can't be happy. You ruined the reenactment.
Jimbo: Aw, come on. Have a little sip. [Randy sips]
Cartman: [walks up to Stan and Kyle] So, you guys about ready to start being my slaves yet?
Kyle: You cheated, Cartman!
Stan: Yeah, but it doesn't matter, because the bet was that the South doesn't win the war! And the South still didn't win the war, dipshit!
Kyle: Yeah. Too bad you're such a dumbass in history, or you would have known that!
Cartman: [sighs] I hate you guys so much. So very very much. And this is not over. Not by a long shot. [the men are getting more drunk]
Randy: [talking to Stuart with slurred speech] All I'm saying is that... is that the Confederates would have just gotten their asses kicked in Topeka!
Mr. Garrison: That ain't true! The Confederates would have whupped ass in Topeka, too!
Bartender: Yeah.
Reenactor: Yeah.
Gerald: You're dreaming!
Cartman: [walks up to Jimbo] Perhaps we should take Topeka.
Jimbo: Huh?
Cartman: They mock us in Kansas, soldier. They think the South is a joke. They don't respect our authoritah.
Jimbo: They don't?!
Cartman: No. I say we take Topeka.
Jimbo: [to the crowd] You know what? I'll bet we could take Topeka right now and clear them all around!
Randy: Huh?
Stuart: That's right! Maybe we should do what the Confederates would've done and march on to Topeka!
Mr. Garrison: I'll bet we could!
Jimbo: I'll bet we could, too! [pounds on the podium]
Cartman: [throwing his voice] I'll bet you can't.
Jimbo: [jumps back] What?! [then walks and stands in front of the podium] Is that a challenge?! I'll bet we can!
Cartman: [fake voice] I'll bet you can't, because you guys are all pussies!
Jimbo: Pussies?! Oh yeah?! Men! It's time to show the world what the Confederate Army has got! We're gonna take Topeka once and for all!
Reenactor 1: Yeah.
Reenactor 2: Yeah.
Jimbo: [walks to the Union soldiers] All o' you men. You may have lost in the Union today, but join us now and win back your pride!
Reenactor 3: Yeah.
Reenactor 4: Yeah.
Randy: Well, the Union be damned!
Jimbo: Let's go!
Men: Yeah! [all walk out]
Cartman: [trailing, stops by his friends] Oh! What was our bet again? Let's see... Yes, I remember. If the South wins you have to be my slaves for a month.
Kyle: They're just drunk, Cartman! As soon as they sober up, they'll stop.
Cartman: Yes. E-e-enjoy your freedom, gentlemen. Soon, you will be my properteh. Come, Kenny. Come fight for us, and I'll make sure you get lots of plunder and womens.
Kenny: (Woohoo!) [exits with Cartman. The men charge out of the banquet hall growling]
Scene Description: Topeka, Kansas, 7:53 A.M., next morning. A rooster crows. The town goes about its business. A mailman delivers some mail. A woman opens the school door. A traffic cop directs traffic. Two kids play catch in front of the school. The woman returns with the flag and hoists it up on the flagpole, and the mailman drops by.
Mailman: Oh good morning, Mrs. Hollis.
Mrs. Hollis: Hello, Ralph.
Ralph: Did you happen to catch that ball game last night?
Mrs. Hollis: I'm afraid I was grading papers pretty late and- [both turn in the direction of a rumble. Everyone stops and looks in the same direction]
Driver: What's that noise, officer? [the officer looks, and the South Park men rise over a hill and charge towards town.]
South Park Men: Yeah! Yeah!
Jimbo: Ccchhhhaaaarrrrggggeeee!
Scene Description: Randy knocks Ralph down with the butt of his gun. Gerald tackles Mrs. Hollis. Another man prepares a Molotov cocktail and throws in into a house, then salutes the resulting fire. Jimbo and Med head for the church, and its congregants rush out screaming. Stuart aims at the officer and shoots him
Officer: [soothing his ass] Ow!
Stuart: Freeze, buddy. These are blanks, but they still hurt like hell! [the church bell rings. Jimbo is pulling at the rope]
Jimbo: It's ours, it's ours! We've taken Topeka!
Reenactors: Yeah!
Randy: [still holding Ralph] Alright, Yank, tell us where you keep your Jagermin's S'more-flavored Schnapps?!
Ralph: Uh-uh-uh schnapps? Uhm, uh-uh-I guess that would be at the liquor store.
Randy: WHERE?!
Ralph: [desperately] At the liquor store, at the liquor stohohohohore!
Randy: [drops Ralph] Come on, boys! [they all rush the store]
Mrs. Hollis: [looking on] This is the most bizarre thing I've ever seen.
Cartman: [walks by] Excuse meh.
Scene Description: South Park. Stan and Kyle wait at a regular bus stop
Stan: Dude, my mom is sooo pissed at my dad for going to Kansas.
Kyle: I know, but-why do they have to take it out on us? Why do we have to wait around for them to come back?
Stan: Oh here comes the bus. [a tourist bus. Butters is behind the doors waiting to come out. The doors open and Butters exits. The bus leaves] Butters? Are you the only one that came back?
Butters: Uh, conuh- [salutes] Confederate Messenger Butters reporting, sir. I have a message for you from the battlefield. [offers it]
Stan: What battlefield?!
Butters: Uh Topeka. We're raisin' all kinds of hell, see? [hands the message to Stan] Eh, it's probably the most fun I've had in several months. Wuwell, you gonna read your message or not? [Stan opens and reads the message. A Ken Burns effect sequence starts using a 19th century sepia image of Cartman as General Lee]
Cartman: Dear guys. Words cannot express how much I hate you guys. As we fight our way northward into the great unknown, only that one thing remains certain: that I hate you guys with every tired muscle in my Confederate body. We have taken Topeka, and now I must lolly the men over to Missouri. Because I will not stop until we have won it all, and you guys are my slaves. Because, I hate you guys. I hate you guys so very very much. Yours, General Cartman Lee
Stan: [crumples the message into a ball and throws it away] God dammit, that fat piece of shit!
Kyle: Dude! What if Cartman really does succeed? And we really do have to be his slaves??
Stan: That would suck so much ass.
Kyle: We have to stop him, dude.
Stan: I'll go get my grandpa. He'll help us. Where's the Confederate Army now, Butters?
Butters: Uh-uh, wuh-I ain't supposed to tell you that. If I told you that, well, why I'd be a, a no-good Yankee son of a bitch.
Kyle: We'll give you 10 bucks.
Butters: Oh. O-oh, okay.
Scene Description: News Report
Reporter: ...And she was forced to live off her own feces for several days. In national news, [the group's entry into Topeka is shown] a frightening radical group from Colorado is making its way across the Southern states of America. [the guy throwing the Molotov cocktail is shown] The group is recruiting new members in every town they pass through, and rapidly growing in number. [one last attack is shown] So authorities have decided to call in the National Guard. The groups seems to be led by military mastermind and right-wing radical Jimbo Kern [he is shown armed], who is known for his guerrilla-fighting and leadership skills.
Scene Description: Somewhere...
Jimbo: [now bloated and sluggish] Give me some more s'more schnapps! I'm gonna be sick. [vomits] Blouach.
Scene Description: Chattanooga, Tennessee, 2:35 P.M. The town is destroyed and in flames. The men revel in their victory. Stan and Kyle approach the city with Grandpa and look over it from a hill
Stan: Oh, boy. This is worse than I thought.
Grandpa: Well, come on Billy, we've gotta make these little peckers stop before they get themselves killed.
Man: [running] Aaaaa!
Brunet: They say you can either fight them or join them.
Blond: Well I'm joining them. Those blanks hurt!
Stan: [now in town] Dad, Dad. [Randy appears and stops] Mom wants you to come home.
Randy: Not now, uh Stan, I'm pillaging. [a resident runs by] Get over here!
Kyle: You've got to stop, Dad. If the South wins, me and Stan have to be Cartman's slaves!
Gerald: This is a reenactment, Kyle. My name is Pvt. John Fugasol, and I have to do what my general tells me!
Jimbo: Hey! There's some more schnapps over here!
Gerald: More schnapps! [moves towards it]
Sgt. Larsen: [the National Guard arrives] I'm Sgt. Larsen of the National Guard. We're here to stop the terrorists.
Grandpa: They're not terrorists, they're just a bunch of drunk wankers from Colorado.
Larsen: Well, we can't just shoot 'em; there's innocents and children about. Dawkins!
Dawkins: Sir!
Larsen: Fire a warning flare!
Dawkins: Yes sir! [launches the flare. The flare goes up in the air, lands right on Kenny and burns him to a crisp.]
Jimbo: Medic! [amid the panic, a medic comes and extinguishes Kenny.]
Larsen: Woops.
Stan: Oh, my God! They killed Kenny!
Grandpa: You bastards!
Kyle: Hey!
Soldier: [off camera] We can't fire at them, sir. There are too many children.
Larsen: Then how do we stop them?
Stan: I know! But we'll have to wait until dark.
Scene Description: South Park, Kenny's house, morning. Mrs. McCormick comes out to pick up the day's mail. She finds a letter, opens it, and reads... (Another Ken Burns effect sequence starts with Cartman as General Lee
Cartman: Dear Ms. McCormick. It is with a very heavy heart that I must inform you that your son Kenny was killed in battle [her brows rise in surprise] on the morning of November 18, at Ruby Hills Funland in Chattanooga. This war has taken something from all of us, and, although your son seems to be the only casualty so far, know that we all share your pain. Your son did not die in vain. I shall persevere and make Stan and Kyle my slaves. Because I hate those guys. I hate them so very very much. Yours, General Cartman Lee.
Scene Description: The Confederate camp. The men relax and talk. Stan, Kyle, Grandpa, and Larsen sneak in...
Stan: There, you see? We take the s'more schnapps, and by morning they're all gonna wanna go home.
Grandpa: Nice thinkin', Billy.
Larsen: Let's go. [they proceed to carry the schnapps away]
Jimbo: [enters Cartman's tent] Where to next, General?
Cartman: [with pipe in mouth] Where did the Confederates go, son?
Jimbo: Well, I guess uh Fort Sumter in South Carolina. That's where the Civil War really escalated.
Cartman: Ah, splendid. Then to Fort Sumter we shall go.
Jimbo: Welluh, that sounds great. I'm gonna get some s'more schnapps. You want anything?
Cartman: [turns around] Yeah. Can I get some of those animal cookies? Those frosty ones with the sprinkles on 'em.
Jimbo: Um, sure. [exits to get some schnapps. He lifts a case and removes the lid, but finds the case empty. He takes a second case and again finds it empty] What the-? Ey, where's the s'more schnapps?
Randy: [with a guitar] We're out of s'more schnapps?
Mr. Garrison: [checks his empty bottle] That can't be.
Jimbo: I guess we drank it all.
Dawkins: Now what?
Stan: Now we just wait until morning. Check-mate, Cartman. Pretty soon, you're gonna be our slave.
Kyle: Yeah.
Scene Description: The Confederate camp, 7:29 A.M., next morning, 7 hours without schnapps.
Soldier 1: Uugh.
Soldier 2: Ouch.
Randy: [exits his tent] Oh, my head.
Gerald: Where am I?
Jimbo: [sits next to Ned on a bench] Ned, I think I can say without any doubt that that was the longest drinking binge we've ever had.
Ned: Mmm-oh. Gmm-oh, my head.
Mr. Garrison: [rises in his sleeping bag behind Stuart] Oh no, I'm supposed to be at work today.
Stuart: Me, too.
Jimbo: [stands] Well, come on everybody. We've got to get to the nearest bus station, quick.
Cartman: [at his tent entrance] Where are you going?
Jimbo: We're goin' home kid. Come on. [walks off]
Cartman: We can't go home, we have to take Fort Sumter! [Randy stops by]
Randy: Uh, the only thing we have to do is get home before our wives leave us.
Cartman: [watching the sober Confederates walk away] No! What about the Confederasuh?! What about freedom?!
Stan: [rushes up with Kyle and Grandpa] Haha! You lose, fatass!
Cartman: God, I hate you guys!
Kyle: Yeah, but you know? I think you've learned something today. You've learned that you can't rewrite history. [Cartman eyes a phone...] You see, history is forever, [...and an empty schnapps case next to it] and everything happens for a reason. [Cartman turns and walks] Sure, you can try and change the past, but usually you kno-
Stan: Where are you going?
Cartman: This isn't over! Oh no! Oh no, not by a long shot! [Stan and Kyle just look at each other]
Scene Description: The long march home... The group is in a meadow.
Randy: Ogh. I don't believe we came all the way out here.
Jimbo: Yeah? Well, I don't think the bus station is too far from here.
Stuart: Uh, how much do you think a bus ticket back to Colorado is gonna run? [two schnapps trucks pull up and the drivers drop down. They head to the rears of the trucks and start unloading case after case of Jagermin's]
Suzette: Allo, I am Suzette, the S'more Schnapps girl. [Cartman gets out of the truck and walks up behind her] We are pleased to sponsor you with all the S'more Schnapps you need.
Randy: Awgh, I can't drink anymore of that stuff.
Gerald: Me neither.
Cartman: Uh uh come uh, come on, guys. Just one little drink. Uh a toast to how far you came and all that you saw.
Suzette: Yes, please. Do a shot out of my breasts. [pours two bottles into her cleavage]
Jimbo: Well, uh I guhess one little cheers is in order.
Scene Description: Soon, the men are drunk again and having a good time.
Jimbo: Hey, look! Ned's doin' his trick again! [Ned tumbles by wearing a fancy lampshade]
Mr. Garrison: [rushes up] Hey, guys. Let's all play a game of "grab ass."
Gerald: What's "grab ass?"
Mr. Garrison: You know. We just run around in circles and try to grab each others' asses.
Randy: Ey, that sounds fun. [grabs Mr. Garrison's ass]
Mr. Garrison: Hohoho.
Solders: I got you. Oo-oh. [the men laugh and chase each other around trying to grab asses here and there]
Cartman: [intervenes] Gentlemen! I hate to break up the party, but I believe we have a fort to take.
Jimbo: You heard the General.
Soldiers: Yeah! [all charge out. Empty schnapps cases litter the field]
Stan: [reaches the scene a bit late] Oh, no.
Kyle: We'll never stop them now.
Scene Description: The March of War. Chattanooga, Tennessee, is struck, then Atlanta, Georgia; then eastern and southeastern Alabama, then Orlando, Florida. The group is on a log ride
Soldiers: Woohoo!
Cartman: Yes! Yes!
Scene Description: Southeast Georgia is struck, then Darling County, South Carolina.
Scene Description: Fort Sumter, day. A tour is taking place.
Guide: Throughout 1861 the Confederate authorities tried to drive out the Union occupants of Fort Sumter peacefully. But Abraham Lincoln's administration would not surrender the fort to the Confederates, so Jefferson Davis decided to take action.
Tourist: And the Confederates won the fort?
Guide: Yes. [turns and leads the group to the gates] Imagine what it must have been like: you're a Union soldier stationed at this fort, and one day, you look out and see thousands of Confederates ready to pounce on you. [the group stares in awe at the seemingly thousands of Confederates just outside the gate. The guide turns to see...] Uh...
Cartman: Take the fort!
Jimbo: Charge!
Men: Yeah! [they enter] Woohoo, yeah, come on!
Jimbo: We got it! The fort is ours! [a cannon blast knocks Randy down]
Randy: What was that?? [the National Guard has caught up with the Confederates and now surrounds the fort.]
Larsen: [on the bullhorn] Attention political activists: you are on government historical monument property! Surrender the monument with your hands up! If you would like a tour of the fort, one can be arranged through the South Carolina Chamber of Commerce.
Stan: [takes the bullhorn] Give up, fatass! There's over a hundred National Guards down here.
Cartman: Suck my ass!
Jimbo: What do we do, General? We're outnumbered.
Cartman: We asked the State of South Carlina for recruits. The reinforcements are bound to show up.
Larsen: Alright, that does it. Blow the whole thing up.
Stan: No, you can't do that. Our dads are there.
Larsen: Sorry, son. We tried it your way; now we do it our way. Prepare the mortar.
Elderly Voice: Hold it right there! [The camera zooms out to show the rowdy reinforcements converge on Stan, Kyle, Grandpa, and the National Guard]
Jimbo: Wow, look at that! The entire state of South Carolina showed up! [other men grin with joy]
Cartman: I knew they would!
Stan: Aw, dammit!
Leader: [saluting] We're ready to fight with ya. Long live the Confederacy!
Men: Yee-haw! All right!
Cartman: Now our numbers are truly great. It is time. It is time to march to Washington D.C.!
Scene Description: Washington D.C., 7:45 A.M., next day. The group has entered the city and are protesting outside the white house. The Million Confederate March?
Jimbo: Hey, government! You can't ignore our anguished cries anymore! You hear that?! You Government?! [Clinton looks out the window with two advisors]
Al Gore: Oh boy, this doesn't look good.
Scene Description: the three men turn away from the window
Advisor: It's just like the Million Man March, except that there actually are a million people.
Aide: Mr. President! A message for you from the extremists! [Clinton reads:]
Cartman: Dear Mr. President. There are times when humans can no longer endure their government's authoritah. You must declare the Confederaceh its own nation so that we may enter into a new millennium of prosperitah. If you do not meet our demands, we will be forced to show the videotapes we have of you with Marisa Tomei.
Clinton: Oh, dear God! Wuh-we have to meet their demands.
Advisor: What?? Sir, there's- there's not that many of them.
Al Gore: As Vice-Persident, I think we'd better give them what they want. It's just the Southern states; who really needs them?
Clinton: My hands are tied. Tell General Lee that I'll meet him in front of the Capitol.
Aide: [salutes] Sir!
Al Gore: I'm so glad I don't have your job. [Clinton is surprised]
Scene Description: back outside in the raucous crowd
Stan: Dude, let's just give up right now and accept that we have to be Cartman's slaves.
Grandpa: Dammit, Billy, this isn't about you havin' to be slaves! This is about history! We can't let them change it!
Stan: Well, we've tried everything, Grandpa. What else can we do?
Grandpa: Wait a minute! They're all still doing a reenactment. What we have to do is play into that. Come on, Billy. You boys need a quick history lesson! [wheels away]
Scene Description: The Capitol, later. President Clinton is at a table on the Capitol with Gore and others
Clinton: All right, I'm gonna sign the document declarin' the Confederacy winners of the Civil War.
Confederates: [exulting] Hooray!
Jimbo: [to Cartman] Boy, we really got the President by the balls. Good thing you have that videotape of him and Marisa Tomei.
Cartman: I don't. I made it up. [Kyle and Stan approach Clinton as Lincoln and Davis, respectively]
Jimbo: Hey! Who's that?!
Kyle: Hello. I'm Abraham Lincoln, President of the United States.
Stan: Yes, and I'm Jefferson Davis, President of the Confederacy.
Clinton: Boy, this just keeps getting weirder, doesn't it?
Cartman: What the hell are you guys doing?!
Jimbo: Ey, General, he's reenacting Jefferson Davis! You can't talk that way to a superior officer!
Stan: Men, I want you all to know that as President of the Confederacy, I am hereby surrendering.
Cartman: What?!
Kyle: Well, as Abraham Lincoln, I accept your surrender, and agree to your conditions. You and all the Confederates will have all the S'more Schnapps you can drink for a year.
Confederates: Wow!
Randy: A whole year?
Jimbo: All right! Well, I think we got what we wanted.
Clinton: That's it? I-I don't have to sign this thing? [Kyle and Stan turn to each other and shake hands]
Gerald: Hey, come on. We should take a tour of the Smithsonian before we head back.
Cartman: No! We still have to fight!
Jimbo: [stops] Lincoln and Davis signed the treaty, General. The war is over.
Cartman: NOOO!!
Stan: [walks over with Kyle] It's finally over, Cartman. You lost!
Kyle: Yeah. And now you can take that stupid beard off! [tugs at it until it pulls off]
Cartman: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA- [the camera zooms out for a view of the city, then the planet, then the Milky Way, then the binary-star system of Marklar, the Marklar themselves, then another planet, then the Visitors are seen...] -AAAH!
Clinton: [walks up and genuflects behind Stan and Kyle, patting each of them on the shoulder] Boys, as President of the United States, I want to commend you for stopping the rebel uprising.
Stan: Don't touch me. [Clinton stands up]
Kyle: Well Cartman, the South lost! That mean you're our slave for a month!
Cartman: Dammit! Dammit, I was so close! Dammit!
Stan: Now, the first thing I want you to do for us is-
Cartman: Wait a minute! I don't have to be your slave.
Kyle: What??
Cartman: The North still won the Civil War! That means slavery is abolished!
Clinton: Eh, he's right, boys. Slavery is illegal and immoral, partially in thanks to the North winning the Civil War.
Stan: Awwww!
Cartman: Hahahaha haa ha!
Stan: Aw, the hell with it. Let's go home. [he and Kyle walk away with Grandpa] Thanks a lot, Bill Clinton!
Kyle: Yeah. Thanks, dick!