Scene Description: The bus stop, morning. The boys wait for the bus, but Cartman seems particularly steamed today. His right hand is in his jacket pocket, and angry music plays
Cartman: [thinking] Another morning. Waiting for the run-down school bus to take me to the run-down school. But today is the day I finally have the guts to do what I should've done a long time ago. [looks down at Stan's feet, than at Kyle's] Nobody notices what I have in my front pocket. A little surprise for them all. [Stan notices and looks. Cartman notices Stan and shoves his hand further into his pocket. Stan looks at Cartman and steps away from him.] I'm prepared for this, but still I wonder.. Will I have the guts to go through with it? Damn right I will! [Kyle notices Cartman's anger]
Kyle: Are you okay, Cartman?
Cartman: [brightens up] Yeah, I'm good. How are you, Kyle? [settles into angry funk again and thinks] They're all gonna pay! Every day they pushed me and pushed, and if it happens again today, it's going to be the last time. [Kyle and Kenny look at each other, then they look at Cartman] We'll find out today at recess, won't we? Oh yes, we'll find out today at recess.
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, a couple hours later. Cartman heads for the boys room and enters. He has some magazines with him
Butters: [at the urinal, pants down] Hey Eric! I'm not suspended no more.
Cartman: Good for you. [tries to get into the first stall, but finds it locked]
Butters: [looks over] I think someone's in there.
Cartman: No, God damn it, no! [pounds on the door] Who's takin' a shit?!
Craig: [from inside] Occupied.
Cartman: I called dibs on Stall 1 for all recess, Craig!
Craig: You can't call dibs on a toilet.
Cartman: Son of a bitch! [moves on to Stall 2, tries to open it, and finds it locked too.] Oh, no! NO NO NO! I cannot go another lunch break without my toilet time!
Kyle: [from inside] Then don't eat 14 Eggo waffles for lunch, fatass!
Cartman: ALL RIGHT, THAT DOES IT! [turns around and walks toward the door]I'M SICK OF THIS SHIT AND I'M NOT [throws his magazines to the floor] GONNA BE TAKING IT ANY LONGER! [reaches into his jacket pocket] You all pushed me to this! [pulls out a pink bow and plops it on to his hat, then continues out the door. Butters just looks on. Cartman leaves the boys' room and enters the girls' room. Wendy and Bebe are at the mirror. Cartman looks around for a moment. Wendy is quick to notice, and then faces him. Cartman heads for a stall and Wendy blocks him]
Wendy: What the hell do you think you're doing?
Cartman: I'm going to the potty.
Wendy: This is the girls' bathroom!
Cartman: Alright, I need to tell you something, Wendy. I'm transginger.
Wendy: What?!
Cartman: Did you notice the bow? [points to it] I'm not comfortable with the sex I was assigned at birth, so I'm exercising my right to identify with the gender of my choice. Now get out of my way, I have to take a shit. [barges into Stall 1, locks it, drops his pants, and sits down. Wendy shrugs with her palms up. The first poop falls and Wendy and Bebe recoil] Aaahhh!
Wendy: Get out of here!
Cartman: Don't give me any more issues than I already have, Wendy! [drops another deuce] Oh wow, this is nice in here. The girls' bathroom is a lot cleaner than the boys'. [groans to get another deuce out, followed by a fart. Red comes out of Stall 2]
Red: What the hell is that?!
Wendy: Cartman is using our bathroom!
Cartman: Dude, this is awesome. I should've used the girls' bathroom a long time ago.
Red: [pointing an accusing finger] Hey! I'm gonna tell on you!
Cartman: It's okay, Red. I can take a shit here. I'm a dumb chick too. [farts and poops some more]
Scene Description: Principal's office, moments later
Principal Victoria: I want to know just what makes you think it's okay to go inside the girls bathroom!
Cartman: Because I'm transginger. I looked it up: that means I can use the girl's shitter.
Principal Victoria: You are not transgender, Eric! You don't even know what that means!
Cartman: Yeah uh-huh, it means I live a life of torture and confusion because society sees me as a boy, but I'm really a girl.
Principal Victoria: All right, well, if you identify yourself as a girl, you must find yourself attracted to boys. Is that right?!
Cartman: That's actually not true. I can be transginger without it having anything to do with the ginger I'm attracted to. Check the state bylaws.
Principal Victoria: Alright, listen, Eric!
Cartman: Erica.
Principal Victoria: Listen, Eric! You must know why we can't have you in the girls bathroom!
Cartman: All I know is I'm transginger, and you can't make me go to the bathroom with the cisgingers.
Principal Victoria: With the what?!
Scene Description: Faculty room, later. Principal Victoria and Mr. Mackey sit at the table as Mr. Garrison looks outside
Mr. Garrison: Cisgender. It's the politically correct name for people who aren't transgender. If you identify with the sex you were born with, then you're cis.
Mr. Mackey: But then cisgender-ed is just normal
Mr. Garrison: [faces Mackey and Victoria] Saying "normal" is extremely offensive to people who aren't in that group. [gets emphatic] Trust me, you don't want this hot potato! Just let him use the girl's room!
Principal Victoria: But this isn't a hurt and confused child we're talking about. This is Eric Cartman.
Mr. Garrison: Nobody else is gonna know that. You better just give him what he wants.
Principal Victoria: Sooo Eric Cartman just has us in some kind of bathroom checkmate?
Mr. Garrison: Actually, [turns around and looks outside again] it's more like a royal flush.
Scene Description: The Broflovski house, day. A reporter stops by and rings the doorbell. Gerald opens the door
Reporter: Gerald Broflovski?
Gerald: Yes?
Brandon Carlile: Brandon Carlile, reporter, Spin Magazine. I was hoping you could help me... make sense of somethin'. I understand you had a very large party in your back yard last... last Sunday, was it?
Gerald: That's right. [Sheila appears in the background] My son and his friends throw a party for a kid with diabetes.
Brandon Carlile: I also understand that a very famous pop artist, Lorde, was the entertainment at that party.
Gerald: Oh yeah, yeah, the kids were pretty excited.
Brandon Carlile: Well it, eh, it's just a little curious, you know? Why a hugely popular Top-20 artist would play such a... well no offence, but such a humble venue?
Gerald: ...Sorry, I don't think I get your-
Brandon Carlile: You understand, we deal with a lot of fake stories at Spin. [glances at his pen] Was just wondering how the boys got someone like Lorde to play.
Gerald: From what I understand, she's the niece of someone's coworker here in town or something.
Brandon Carlile: You wouldn't know who?
Gerald: No. Does it really matter?
Brandon Carlile: [slow zoom] Lorde is an incredibly talented and down-to-earth young lady. It would be a shame if someone was... having fun at her expense.
Scene Description: The Marsh laundry room. Sharon is sorting clothes. She sees that Steamy Ray Vaughn is still around, from the brown streaks in Randy's briefs. She pulls out the briefs from two pairs of Randy's pants, but is intrigued when she looks into the third pair. She pulls out... some fishnet stockings and her eyes open wide.
Scene Description: The living room, moments later. Randy's on the couch sipping on Pabst Blue Ribbon.
Sharon: [walks up with the stockings] Randy? Whose are these?
Randy: [sits up] Aaah, I don't know. Why?
Sharon: Why? Because there's fishnet stockings inside your jeans?
Randy: In my jeans?
Sharon: Randy? Do you have something to tell me?
Randy: [gives in] ...Yeah. I do.
Scene Description: Girls room, recess, next day. Wendy, Bebe, Red, and a new girl stand with their jackets over their noses, the smell is so bad. Cartman is in there again. The girl looks like the singer Sia, so we'll go with that.
Red: [bangs on the wall on one side of stall 1] Come on! You've been in there for twenty minutes!
Sia: Yeah! Recess is almost over!
Cartman: There's two more stall in here, gals. Go ahead.
Sia: Not while you're in here!
Cartman: Oh my God, you guys are so cisginger. Sorry I'm different, but you can just suck my clit AND my balls.
Wendy: Eric, there are people actually struggling with their gender identity and all you're doing is-
Cartman: Okay, okay, okay, you guys! You know what? You know what? [drops a deuce] That's what. [laughs his ass off. Principal Victoria walks in behind the girls] Suck my clit and balls.
Principal Victoria: Erica, I believe we have a solution to this little problem.
Cartman: I don't have a problem, Principal Victoria, the cisgenders have the problem. [poops and farts]
Principal Victoria: If it is agreeable to you, Erica, we are going to clear out the janitor's closet and remodel it into a private bathroom just for you! [Cartman farts one last time, cleans up, and leaves the stall]
Cartman: Excuse me, are you talking about... my own special executive bathroom?
Principal Victoria: Would that be agreeable to you?
Cartman: OH MY GOD!!!
Wendy: That isn't fair!
Red: Wendy, just go with it!
Cartman: Yeah, just go with it, Wendy, cisginger bitch! Of course, being forced into my own isolated will probably be somewhat traumatic for me. I might have to approve certain aspects of this... solitary location.
Scene Description: The janitor's closet. Cartman plans out his new restroom with an interior designer
Cartman: Yeah sooo I'm thinking of water feature here, you know. get the sound of running water, yeah kind of Zen it out.
Designer: Uh huh, well why don't you put the water feature on this side?
Cartman: Oh on that side?
Designer: You know, because you've already got AC over here and that leaves this open for some nice big piece of art on this wall.
Cartman: Oh, I like that. That's gonna look nice, yeah.
Scene Description: The Marsh house, night. Randy enters his garage, pulls out his phone, and taps in a number. Someone picks up
Randy: Yeah, listen. I don't know if I can keep doing this. My wife is starting to suspect something. I just had to tell her I like the way fishnets feel.
Record Producer: [in his chair at his desk, facing away from the camera] I know your wife means a lot to you, Randy, [turns around in his chair] but you can't leave us hanging. You've got the purest shit out there; it's worth a lot to us.
Randy: You think you're gonna get a good product when I can't even think?!
Record Producer: How many times have you said "I think I've lost it" and everything turned out to be okay?
Randy: Every time?
Record Producer: Every time. Come on. Get back to work and see. If you get panicked again, call me.
Randy: Yeah. Yeah I will. Yup. [hangs up. He walks up to a poster and moves it to one side, revealing a hole in the wall with stacks of bills inside. He pulls out some more bills from his back pocket and adds them to the stacks]
Scene Description: The Record Producer's office. A young man walks in. The producer looks out the window
Ron: You wanted to see me?
Record Producer: Sit down, Ron. [Ron sits] Whattaya know about one of our artists, Lorde?
Ron: [shrugs] Seventeen-year-old girl from New Zealand, great songwriter, [shrugs] humble.
Record Producer: Wrong. [turns to face him] She's a 45-year-old man in Colorado.
Ron: What?
Record Producer: He writes the songs, sends us the demos, we fudge them, sell them as a brooding 17-year-old girl way ahead of her time, and nobody knows the difference.
Ron: Huh. [the realization sinks in] Holy shit.
Record Producer: He makes good stuff. Stuff that sells. But he's getting edgy feet. I want you to keep an eye on him. And if anyone around him seems like they're close to finding out the truth, well... you know what to do.
Scene Description: The Marsh house, master bedroom. Randy's at the foot of the bed with guitar in hand and some lyrics on the bed
Randy: Lorde Lorde Lorde. Lorde Lorde Lorde I am Lorde. I am L- I am Lorde. I am Lorde. Lorde Lorde Lorde.
Sharon: [appears at the bedroom door] Randy?
Randy: [drops the guitar and gathers up his sheets] I, I, thought you were at the grocery store. [chuckles]
Sharon: I was. Can you help me unload the car? [turns left and walks away]
Randy: Help me unload the c-car. Help me unload, load the car. Yah yah yah. Unloadin'. Unload yah yah yah.
Sharon: [comes back and peeks inside] Randy?
Randy: [loses his sheets] Sorry. Sorry, yeah. Coming. [follows her to the car]
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. A new restroom, Other, replaces the janitor's closet. A workman drills in the final screws for the OTHER sign. Butters and Craig observe him, Craig and Token walk up. The workman finishes up as Stan arrives
Stan: What is that?
Butters: That's Cartman's new transgender bathroom.
Stan: Cartman's a girl now?
Butters: He's not a woman, he's not a man, he is something that you'll never understand. But he would die for me. [turns around and walks away.]
Cartman: [rushes up] It it done?! It is all ready?! Alright alright, move aside everybody, move aside please. I gotta go. [opens the door, looks inside and grins. Inside is one of the fanciest restrooms one will ever see. Icicle lights all around, waterfall to the left, fancy commode to the right, plush towels and toilet seat cover. Triumphant music plays] Oh! Ahm. This is gonna be so awesome. [closes and locks the door] Aha! Lock! Privacy. Oh, this is gonna feel so good! [claps twice - he's got the Clapper feature in there. The lights dim and Vivaldi's Spring begins to play] Perfect. [reaches over for a cat-o-five-tails and begins whipping the toilet with it] Yeah, you're gonna take it. You're all alone now, toilet. Nobody can hear you scream. Yeah, you're gonna open wide. [the kids nearby just stand there shocked] You're gonna TAKE your punishment! That's right! Get ready! [remembers there are people outside] Oh my God, this is so awesome, you guys! It's just like at home!
Scene Description: Skeeter's Bar and Cocktails, night. Nelson is at the bar. Brandon Carlile appears nearby
Brandon Carlile: Peter Nelson?
Nelson: Yes?
Brandon Carlile: [pulls up a stool next to him] Brandon Carlile, reporter, Spin Magazine. I understand you work at the U.S. Geological Survey?
Nelson: Yeah, that's right.
Brandon Carlile: I also understand that you're the uncle of the amazing and talented songwriter, Lorde?
Nelson: [sighs] Alright, look, I am not her uncle. I I just work with her, okay?
Brandon Carlile: Work with her? How? [they move to a booth for some privacy]
Nelson: I like Lorde. Uh she's really nice and really talented. But she lives a double life.
Brandon Carlile: How's that?
Nelson: Lorde isn't just a singer, she's also a very talented scientist who specializes in fluvial geomorphology.
Brandon Carlile: The what?
Nelson: She just showed up one day at the office and started filling in for a guy who started working part time. She's a good geologist. When her music career took off we thought she'd be gone, but she still shows up. Usually right after lunch. [Brandon tries to figure out what to write, but draws a blank]
Scene Description: South Park Elementary. Cartman walks down the hallway singing to himself
Clyde: Hey Cartman. Heard you're transgender.
Cartman: Yup! You know what Hillary says: "You can suck my clit and balls." [goes into his bathroom]
Red: [talking to Bebe nearby] Well I know I'm not even gonna get it done. I swear, he gives us too much homework anyway. I-
Wendy: Hey guys. [all look and stare. Wendy walks down the hallway dressed as her male persona, Wendyl, in t-shirt and vest, purple pants, hair pinned back.]
Red: ...Wendy?
Wendy: How's it hanging'?
Craig: Whoa..
Jenny: Huh?
Jason: Whoa, wait, is that?
Butters: Holy moly! [Wendy pulls out a key and goes into the Other bathroom]
Cartman: Hey, what the fuck, dude?! Do you mind? This is occupied!
Wendy: It's cool. I'll wait.
Cartman: DUDE, THIS IS MY FUCKING BATHROOM!
Scene Description: Principal Victoria's office, moments later. Wendy and Cartman are present
Cartman: I want her suspended, and I want charges brought up for sexual harassment!
Principal Victoria: I'm sorry Erica, but I spoke with Wendyl this morning and she's not comfortable-
Cartman: Wendyl?! Fucking Wendyl?! Grow up, Wendy!
Principal Victoria: You'll just have to share, Eric. Why can't you understand that?
Cartman: BECAUSE I DON'T WANT A CHICK WATCHING ME GO POO!
Principal Victoria: I thought you were a chick.
Cartman: NO! I IDENTIFY AS A CHICK, BUT I'M STILL A BOY. YOU CAN'T MAKE ME SHARE A BATHROOM WITH A GIRL THAT IDENTIFIES HERSELF AS A FUCKING DUDE! [thinks for a few seconds] That is MY waterfall, and those are MY Christmas lights!
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, later. Stan is at his locker
Cartman: [runs up to Stan] Dude! You need to put a tighter leash on your dog!
Stan: [surprised] What?
Cartman: Do you know your girlfriend's going around tellin' everyone that you're gay?! [Stan looks around] Oh yeah! She's got the whole school believin' that she's attracted to girls, but she's dating you! So what does that make you, Stan?! A girl! STAN-AN'S A GIR-RL! You'd better curb your dog, Stan! You'd better curb your dog before people start ripping on you! [walks away]
Scene Description: Shelly's room, evening. Randy knocks at her door
Randy: Shelly, that's enough time on your phone.
Shelly: Leave me alone, Dad! Stop nagging me all the time!
Randy: You know we're all cutting down on phone time.
Shelly: [sits up] Don't limit me! You don't even understand me!
Randy: [sees a poster of himself as Lorde] Yeah. I don't understand you at all. A lot you know. [walks away saddened]
Scene Description: The Marsh garage, moments later. Randy is adding more stacks to the stacks of bills he's hidden behind the poster. A door opens and Randy quickly seals up the hole. He gets to his workbench just as Stan closes the door.
Stan: Uh hey Dad. I need to talk to you.
Randy: Oh really? A-About... about what?
Stan: Dad, is it possible for someone to be one way on the outside but totally different on the inside? [Randy sighs deeply and stands up to walk] I mean, can someone identify as one sex but be something else but still have it be nothing about sex?
Randy: Yes. Yes, Stan. I am Lorde.
Stan: ...What?
Randy: It started off so simple. There's a guy at work. Hanson. He would use the bathroom and just blow the thing up, you know? Not only that, but he was in there all the time! I finally got fed up and pretended to be a woman. I called myself Lorde. Have you ever been in a woman's bathroom, Stan? It's all clean and there's enough stalls for everyone. It was so freeing. I started singing while I was in there, and then I- started writing things down.
Stan: Well you said you knew a guy at work who was Lorde's uncle.
Randy: Yah, that's my cover.
Stan: The chick that wrote the theme song to the new Hunger Games, is you?
Randy: Yeah. [turns around and faces Stan] The record company messed it all up. It was supposed to go "Hunger Games, yah yah yah, yah yah yah! Hunger Games." But they just- do what they want with my songs.
Stan: Wha-wait, Lorde sounds like a girl.
Randy: Autotune. Wanna see how I do it? [moments later, a music program pops up. Twelve tracks are shown at lower left] I come up with all my best stuff in the bathroom at work. I use this program to import the recordings I make on my phone. [plays the highlighted track] "Yeah yeah, feeling good on a Wednesday. Sparklinnnnn' thoughts. Givin' me the hope to go ohhhn" [farts and poop noises] "Oh! Whoa. What I need now is a little bit of shelter."
Stan: Dad, Lorde's music is actually really good.
Randy: Thanks. But it gets even better when I add the drum loops. [replays the same track with drum loops added] Then with the computer I can actually quantize everything. [brings up the quantizer and chooses his settings] Backup instruments. [scale, beats, bass, tambourine, guitars, strings] And then finally I use the Autotune. ["Auto-Tuner v10." He chooses his settings there, and the song is transformed. The same track is now enhanced with Sia's voice and no trace of Randy] "Sparklin' thoughts, feelin' good on a Wednesday. Givin' me the hope, givin' givin' me the hope to go ohhhn. What I need is a little bit of shelter." [this is all too much for Stan to take in, and he passes out. Randy notices] Stan?
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, next day. Stan is in the hallway looking at the restrooms, weighing his options
Butters: [walks past Stan, then stops] Hey! Everything okay, Stan?
Stan: ...I don't know where I belong...
Butters: Just hold it. That's what I do now. [continues on his way. Stan walks towards the girls room, but veers left to look at the boys room. Then he spins round and walks to the Other room, whips out his key for it, and goes in.]
Cartman: HEY, WHAT THE FUCK, DUDE?! GOD FUCKING DAMN IT!
Scene Description: Principal Victoria's office, moments later. Stan and Cartman are present
Cartman: Why don't we just have everyone use the transgender bathroom?!
Principal Victoria: Stanley, do you have a reason for not using the boys bathroom?
Stan: I, I just... Two people close to me are having gender identity issues and I'm, I'm confused.
Cartman: He's cisginger! He's so cis he wears a jockstrap to bed at night!
Scene Description: U.S. Geological Survey, Colorado, day. Quite the busy office space. At the boss's office, someone knocks and opens his door
Randy: [in his Lorde attire.] You wanted to see me, boss?
Boss: Yes. Please have a seat, Lorde.
Randy: [closes the door and sits next to a woman] Hi Carol.
Carol: [avoiding eye contact] Lorde.
Boss: Lorde, we're all big fans of your music and we think the world of you for staying and working here even after your music career took off.
Randy: Well, my music and fluvial geomorphology are intertwined.
Boss: Amazing, yeah. Uh... Lorde... for some time now the females at this office have been pressuring me to... uh... find your own space... to go to the bathroom. [a few seconds of silence] Everyone loves you, but we thought it would be great if you had your very own executive bathroom. [whips out an executive key]
Randy: I like the women's bathroom. I feel safe there. Being able to use that bathroom is critical to my identity, to my music.
Carol: My girls are big fans of your music, Lorde, but the women here aren't comfortable sharing a bathroom with [stops herself immediately]
Randy: With what? [moments of awkward glances follow] With what? [getting no answer, he gets up and leaves.]
Scene Description: E! breaking news
Announcer: You are watching E! Entertainment News! That's how low you've sunk.
Anchor: It's been several days and still there's no sign of the pop singer Lorde. The singer went dark on Twitter claiming severe depression, and stating [the statement goes up on screen] "I realize now that I make people uncomfortable. I need to give this up and go back to just being the old me." Spin Magazine is claiming they know the reason for the sudden exit, and will be releasing a tell-all article about the troubled artist next week.
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Stan walks down the crowded hall when he's stopped by Cartman
Cartman: Oh, here he comes, everyone! It's the cisginger! Think you can harass transgingers and use their bathroom?!
Butters: Yeah, what's the big idea harassing Erica, Stan?!
Cartman: At this school, it doesn't matter if you're trans or you're cis, right guys?! [the other kids agree, but not strongly] What we have a problem with are cisgingers who are intolerant! You know what we call those? Cissies!
Butters: Yeah! Stan's a big old fat cissy!
Clyde: [steps forward] Awe, come on, lay off him guys.
Cartman: Oh, what are you?! A cissy too, Clyde?!
Clyde: No, no, just he is. [retreats and walks away]
Scene Description: The Marsh house, day, backyard. Randy sits at a picnic table alone with his thoughts and a beer. Sharon walks out
Sharon: You just gonna drink beer alone all day?
Randy: [Raises up his Pabst to show Sharon] It's okay, it's gluten free.
Sharon: All right. [turns around and goes back towards the house, but stops and looks back] Do you know why young people like Lorde so much. [Randy sits up and looks over his shoulder] It's because she's something different. Kids have had pop music artists flash tits and crotch in their face, and most kids are actually smart enough to be sick of it. Lorde represents something in all of us, the truth that wants to be heard. If I could talk to Lorde right now, you know what I'd tell her? I'd tell her not to let people change who she is. I'd tell her that if people are making fun of her, it's probably because they lost touch with being human. I'd tell her to keep on doing what she does, because when someone's not allowed to express who they are inside, then we all lose. That's... what I would say to Lorde. [goes back inside the house and closes the sliding door]
"Lorde": [Randy's finished song, "Feelin' Good On A Wednesday / Push"] Feelin' good on a Wednesday The image of me that you see Is distorted, twisted, broken, fractured Isolated, miles out to sea I don't want a separate place. I need to feel safe, not thrown away, away, away. And I will push (push) To tear down the walls (push, push) Of this box you put me in (push, push) Because you don't understand (push ow hot, push ow ow hot) You push To find a label that fits me. I'm feelin' good on a Wednesday With sparklin' thoughts Help me unload the car, yah yah yah And so I push To close the door Of the stall you've made for me, To keep me away. And now we push Push to stand together Because I am Lorde (yah yah yah) Yah yah yah, I am Lorde I am Lorde, yah yah yah Yah yah yah, I am Lorde Yah yah yah Yah yah yah, I am Lorde Yah yah yah [While the song plays, the following montage flows: camera closes in on Randy's face, then on a toilet. Some of the lyrics, handwritten on yellow rule paper, scroll past. Stan looks at the restrooms again. More lyrics. The demos are playing for the record producer and Ron, and they like it. More lyrics. Two sisters listen to the song on an iPhone in the kitchen. Their mother Carol looks on from the doorway. She returns to the office the next day and stops the boss from putting up the transgender sign on a bathroom. They both listen to the song, and like it. Shelly is wearing her headphones joyfully dancing to the song. Randy looks in and smiles. Principal Victoria waves a pencil around as if she were conducting an arrangement for this song. Bebe is listening to it with Milly and Nelly in her bedroom. Butters is in his own room wearing a pink tutu and dancing away. More lyrics. Brandon Carlile is at his desk looking at his article. He moves to delete it, and it's gone. He shuts down his computer and leaves]
Scene Description: South Park Elementary Gymnasium that still has damage from the Butter's fire. Principal Victoria is going to announce something. Mr. Garrison and Mr. Mackey sit off to one side
Principal Victoria: And so it is with great pride that I can announce the student body has elected to get rid of the transgender bathroom, and give any fellow student the right to use the bathroom they feel most comfortable in. [cheering erupts from the students]
Cartman: I don't wanna use the girls bathroom if anyone can use it! It's gonna be all crowded. [pulls off his bow and throws it to the ground.]
Principal Victoria: Anyone who has a problem sharing a bathroom with people who might be transgender will have to use the special designated bathroom designed to keep them away from the normal people who don't care.
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, hallway. Stan heads for the boys room when Butters exits
Butters: Hey! Where do you think you're going?!
Stan: To the bathroom?
Butters: Oh no you don't! You've gotta use the cissy bathroom! [points to the Cissies bathroom, which used to be the Other bathroom] Well go on, cissy! [Stan walks over to the cissies bathroom and goes in. Butters smiles and walks away. The cissies bathroom is just the Other bathroom with a new plaque on it. Stan claps twice and the lights go down. Vivaldi's "Spring" plays]
Stan: Wow, this is is pretty nice. [drops trousers and settles in, then begins singing] Feelin' good on a Monday. Got my space, all the freedom I need. Yah yah yah By myself, yah yah yah


Scene Description: The Bijou, night. A movie has ended, probably "Gone Girl," and moviegoers are now going home. Among them are Gerald and Sheila Broflovski, Stephen and Linda Stotch, and Bob and Linda Black.
Stephen: [with phone in hand] Well that was a lot of fun. Thanks for inviting us, guys.
Sheila: Sure. You bet.
Gerald: Are you guys parked over here?
Stephen: Oh nonono, we took a Handicar. It was easier that way.
Gerald: A Handicar? What's that?
Linda: You don't use Handicar?
Stephen: No, see, you just get the Handicar app. It uses GPS to locate where you are, and the Handicar comes and picks you up.
Gerald: Wow...
Stephen: Yeah, and it's cheaper than a taxi. I'm telling you, it's the future of transportation. Oh, here it comes. [sees Linda talking to the Blacks] Honey, our Handicar is here.
Timmy: Timmy! [Linda waves goodbye to the Blacks and she joins Stephen in the Handicar, driven by Timmy.]
Stephen: Have fun drivin' home. I'll be relaxing on my iPad. [The Handicar is a wheelchair with a Lil Zipper attached. The Lil Zipper is equipped with a table setting for two, including a candle and flower in vase.]
Gerald: Lucky.
Timmy: Timmy. [pulls away]
Stephen: Download the app! It works great! [Gerald whips out his phone and goes looking for the app. He finds it and downloads it.]
Scene Description: South Park, day. A cab goes down the street. A Russian driver is shown with his passenger
Passenger: Ahh, [pinches his nose] Excuse me, I think someone puked back here. [pinches his nose again]
Russian: You don't like puke?
Passenger: Could you turn the radio down and the air conditioning up, please?
Russian: No air conditioning. Too expensive. [the light turns red and the driver brakes hard, causing the passenger to hit his head on the back of the front seat.]
Passenger: Agh!
Russian: Not enough people taking cab. Don't know what's wrong!
Timmy: Timmih! [both driver and passenger look to the right. Timmy drives by in his wheelchair towing a man in his Lil Zipper, which is equipped with a table, tablecloth, candle, and two chairs. The man is sipping wine.]
Russian: What the fuck?
Scene Description: The Hummer car dealership, day. Mr. Stevenson is on the sidewalk trying to drum up some business.
Mr. Stevenson: We've got a big sales event going on, folks. [sees two men across the street] Hey guys. Can I get you in a 2014 Hummer? Rocktober sales event, guys.
Younger man: No thanks.
Mr. Stevenson: [plays some air guitar] Only a few more guitar licks left in Rocktober, guys.
Older man: We're good. Shut up! [Timmy pulls up]
Younger man: Oh, here's our Handicar.
Timmy: Timmy. [he stops, and the men get in.]
Mr. Stevenson: The fuck?
Scene Description: A meeting room, day. Three counselors stand before a group of handicapped kids. Among them are Jimmy, Francis, and Timmy. Counselor Steve begins to speak
Steve: All right, kids, you know what time of year this is? [the handicapped kids cheer] That's right, it's autumn! And that means our fundraising for next year's summer camp is in full gear. Is everyone psyched for next year's summer camp?
All: Yeeaahhh!
Steve: So far, Jimmy has raised $16!
All: Yeeaahhh!
Steve: Francis has raised $29.32 [the kids cheer] And Timmy has raised $2,063.00!
Timmy: Timmy! [the other kids cheer]
Steve: All righty, if you guys keep this up, we'll raise the money for summer camp in no time! [the kids cheer. Off to the side, in the open doorway, are Nathan and Mimsy.]
Nathan: [turns around. Mimsy does too.] I won't do it, Mimsy. I won't spend another summer at that stupid camp.
Mimsy: D'awww, we don't like camp, boss?
Nathan: We hate camp, Mimsy. The singing, the competitions, Jimmy Valmer getting all the chicks.
Mimsy: D'oh yeah and don't forget last year at summer camp, you got raped by a shark. [laughs. Nathan jumps in the air and smacks Mimsy on the right cheek with his left hand]
Nathan: Shut up, Mimsyyyy! I'm not gonna spend my summer trapped at that camp with these punch-happy assholes. We gotta find a way to put Handicar out of business, and fast.
Mimsy: D'ah oh boy! We're gonna wreck Timmy's business, huh boss?
Nathan: Shh-shh. [the counselor reaches them]
Steve: Hey boys, are you excited for camp next year?
Nathan: Yes, Counselor Steve. We like the tug-of-waaarr.
Steve: All right. Well, just keep working on those donations. [leaves]
Nathan: Come on, Mimsy, we gotta figure out how we're gonna make Handicar a thing of the past.
Mimsy: D'oh boy!
Scene Description: Park County Community Center, night. The parking lot is full of cabs. Inside are three SP Taxi drivers, an SP Cabbie, and Mr. Stevenson
SP cabbie: [wears an SP Cab hat] We are united as brothers, because jast as Handicar has taken away jobs from honest, hard-working cab drivers, it's also taken food [slams his fist on the podium] from the mouths of the children of car salesmen!
Mr. Stevenson: Well I don't have any children.
Russian: Who does this handicapped boy think he is?! He's not even in union!
Arab: He's taking all our business because people find it more coomvenient.
SP cabbie: Aaand, because he's handicapped, he can use special access points and parking spaces. That kid was born with an unfair advantage!
Arab: Who is this rat?!
Nathan: His name is Timmy Burch. [the adults turn to look at him] And if you don't do something quick, you're all gonna be out of work for good.
American: Who are you?!
Nathan: Just someone who doesn't like to see hard workers like yourselves lose their jobs. That's all.
Russian: Nobody takes jobs away from US! We need to speak to Mayor and tell her to shut down this illegitimate business!
Arab: Or maybe we can have the police shut him down!
Mimsy: Hey I got an idea! Why don't you guys just make your cars cleaner and nicer, and try to be better to your customers so that you can compete with Handicar's popularity in the marketplace?
Nathan: Just ignore my friend. He's mentally disabled.
Mimsy: Aw yeah, don't mind me.
Nathan: Now listen, everybody. If you're a sheepherder, and there's a snake taking away your sheep, what do you do to the snake?
Mr. Stevenson: Offer it last year's Christmas in Rocksummer prizes?
Nathan: No, you fucking moron! You kill... the snake! [the drivers look at each other]
Scene Description: Timmy's room, night. He's fast asleep when several shadows pop up outside his window. It turns out to be the SP cabbie, followed by the Russian and Arab cabbies.
SP cabbie: Hey wake up, you little scab!
Timmy: [waking up] Tutih Tuh-Timmih?
SP cabbie: We got a message for ya! From the union. [holds up a bat. The three cab drivers begin beating Timmy with baseball bats]
Scene Description: South Park, next day, daytime. Nathan and Mimsy walk along a sidewalk
Nathan: Just imagine it, Mimsy. A whole summer to ourselves to do what we want. It's going to be awesome. [The curb has a line of cabs on it, and they come across the cabbies who visited Timmy the night before.] Well well, hello gentlemen. I understand you've taken care of our little problem?
SP cabbie: Yeah, we sure did!
Russian: Let's just say he'll be laid up a while.
SP cabbie: Yeah. We snuck in his room last night and we... broke his legs!
Nathan: Oh boy, that's great-wait, you what??
Timmy: Timmy! [drives by, seemingly unharmed]
Randy: [taking a ride in the Handicar] I am Lorde. Lawdy Lawdy Lorde.
Russian: But we broke his legs. Both of them.
Nathan: Let me give you guys a hot news flash: If you want to hurt a crippled kid, you don't break his FUCKING LEGS!
Scene Description: The park, sometime later. Nathan and Mimsy sit on a bench
Nathan: How can people be so ineffectual, Mimsy?
Mimsy: D'uh I don't know, boss.
Nathan: These are supposed to be men who care about their occupations.
Mimsy: D'uh maybe if they're that incompetent we shouldn't be tryin' to save their jobs. Maybe Handicar is a kind of economic natural selection, where the more diligent workers are weeding out the useless ones. Drrrrr.
Nathan: [smacks him again] Shut up, Mimsyyyy!
Scene Description: In another part of town, Timmy is driving a woman home
Woman 1: Right here is good. [gets off at her house] Thank you. I can just use the app to tip you, right?
Timmy: Timmy!
Woman 1: Ohohh, this is so handy! [goes to the front door] Thank you!
Timmy: Timmy. [gets a new call from an unknown caller and answers it] Tiiimmih Timmih.
Nathan: Hey Timmy, it's your friend from camp, Nathan.
Timmy: Timmih!
Nathan: Listen, you can't possibly handle all this business you're getting. Admit it. You've got more customers than you can handle.
Timmy: [sighs] Timmih.
Nathan: I've got an amazing idea. Why don't you let other people drive Handicars too? Think of all the money you could raise for camp if you expand your business.
Timmy: [thinking it over] Hmmm, Timmih.
Nathan: I'm sure you could find a lot of interested drivers.
Timmy: [smiles] Timmy! [grins. He likes the idea]
Nathan: That's great. Summer camp, here we come. [hangs up] Now kiss your business goodbye, asshole!
Scene Description: A neighborhood, sometime later. Nathan is now in a wheelchair as a new Handicar driver
Mimsy: D'ah I don't get it boss. I thought you hated Handicar. How come now you wanna work for 'em?
Nathan: It's very simple, Mimsy. I'm gonna take down Handicar by being an employee who sexually harasses the passengers.
Mimsy: D'ahhh, sexual harassment, boss?
Nathan: It's simple. If you're a sheepherder and a snake is killing your sheep, you just need to have the snake get sued for sexual misconduct. Now, you find me a female passenger on that app and leave the rest to me.
Mimsy: D'ah oh boy!
Scene Description: Later, Nathan goes on his first drive as a Handicar driver. His phone indicates that he has a passenger waiting for a pick up close by
Nathan: [arrives] Timmy. Hello ma'am. Handicar at your service. Climb on in. [she gets in without saying a word] So, let me ask you a question. Would you like to see my dick?
Woman 2: [a transvestite] Sure. Would you like to see mine?
Nathan: Uh oh!
Scene Description: At the Men's restroom in the park, Nathan is heard getting pounded with some funny sound effects
Nathan: Mimsy! Hel- help, Mimsy! [Mimsy approaches, but stays outside. The passenger exits the restroom and walks away. Nathan waddles out, hair and clothes disheveled] And I thought a shark was bad. [cartoon flourish at the end]
Scene Description: The Broflovski house, evening. Gerald and Sheila exit and lock the door
Gerald: Come on, honey. It says our Handicar is just pulling up.
Stephen: Timmy! Oh hi, Gerald, Sheila.
Gerald: Stephen, what are you doing?
Stephen: You didn't know? Anyone can be a Handicar driver now. All you have to do is get your own wheelchair and you can earn a Handicap. I've had my Handicap for about three days now. Get on in. [Gerald and Sheila get in, and Stephen pulls away.] I'm telling you Gerald, havin' a Handicar is a great way to make some money on the side. [other Handicar drivers begin to appear]
HC driver 1: Timmy!
Stephen: Timmy!
HC driver 2: [a woman] Timmy!
Stephen: The world of transportation is really changing, Gerald.
Mimsy: [standing at a street corner with Nathan] D'aww gee, your idea to have Handicar expand really worked, boss.
HC driver 3: [getting too close to the curb] 'Scuse me, out of my way, please. I have a Handicap. [drives off]
Nathan: I had a handicap way before you got paid to have one!
Mimsy: D'ahhh, you sound like that Matthew McConaughey guy. Ah "I drove a Lincoln way before I got paid to drive one." Drrrr. [Nathan smacks him again]
Nathan: Shut up Mimsyyy!
Scene Description: Tesla demonstration
Announcer: [female] For the pat eight years Tesla has been the leading innovator in the world of automotive transport. And now the President and CEO of Tesla Motorcars, Elon Musk. [a robotic arm reaches out and grabs a platform behind one of the cars, and Elon Musk is on the platform. The arm sets him down at the foot of the stage as cameas flash away]
Elon Musk: Today I am proud to announce the Tesla D, the most innovative and efficient world-friendly mode of transportation ever created. Any questions?
Reporter 1: Yes, ahh, what about Handicar?
Elon Musk: What about it?!
Reporter 2: Well all over the country prople are realzing that using an app to ride-share is even more convenient and eco-friendly than electric cars.
Reporter 3: How do you intend to compete with this boy genius in Colorado? [Elon Musk is not happy]
Scene Description: Tesla Headquarters. day. An issue of of Tech Today is dropped onto a table next to a Tesla cup of coffee.
Elon Musk: I am so sick of hearing about app-based ride-sharing! The future of transportation is the electric cars, not wheelchairs!
Exec. 1: Don't worry, Elon. Handicar is just a small company.
Exec. 2: Oh sure, operating in a few small towns, but when they start absorbing the taxi markets, bringing taxi sservice to any part of the world, driving your kids to and from school, delivering both people and things?
Exec. 3: We can't compete with Handicar! It's just so damned handy!
Elon Musk: If there is a way to reduce Handicar's positive publicity, then we need to do it now! [walks to the table and plants his hands on it] And you! You say it's theoretically possible?
Nathan: Of course. It's very simple. If you're a sheepherder, and a snake is killing all your sheep, how do you get rid of the snake?
Elon Musk: Who's the sheepherder?
Nathan: You are.
Exec. 4: Who's the snake?
Nathan: Handicar. [a few seconds of silence follow]
Mimsy: D'ah, it's an analogy.
Nathan: [smacks Mimsy] Shut up Mimsyyy! [to Elom Musk] If you're a sheepherder, and a snake is killing your sheep, all you have to do is prove to the sheep that the snake is a completely inferior entity. [the Tesla execs look around at each other]
Scene Description: South Park, day. Timmy is driving around town with a male passenger on his iPad.
HC driver 4: [going the other way on the street] Timmy!
Timmy: Timmy! [stops at an intersection. A Tesla car speeds up next to him. The passenger window comes down and Nathan looks at him]
Nathan: Hey Timmy. How is the fundraising for camp going?
Timmy: Timmih! [holds his right thumb up]
Nathan: [looks ahead] That's great. I can't wait for camp this year. [looks at Timmy again] We are doing some fundraising too. Have you heard of my friend Elon Musk from Tesla?
Elon Musk: Good day to you!
Timmy: Timmih!
Nathan: Hey, how would you like to have a friendly little race? It would be great publicity for your fundraising and for ours.
Mimsy: [pops up] D'ah we're gonna get Timmy killed in the race, huh boss?
Elon Musk: Shut up, Mimsy! [Mimsy reclines in his seat]
Nathan: Whattaya say, Timmy? A friendly race this Saturday? We'll see you at 9am sharp. [the passenger window goes up, and they peel awat. The resulting wake almost blows the tablecloth off and Timmy's passenger almost losing his iPad keeping the tablecloth in place, At Skeeter's Bar and Coctails, a drunk patron walks out and a Handicar driver arrives to pick him up. He gets in, and they go away]
Scene Description: Skeeter's Bar and Coctails, day, interior. Jimbo looks up at a TV monitor
Jimbo: Hey everyone, you need to see this! [CNN Breaking News]
CNN anchor: [with glasses] What started as a simple contest is quickly escalating into an international crisis. As electronic cars challenge the oil industry, and transportation alternatives fight for dominance, the unavoidable outcome may be a conflict the likes the world has not seen since the '70s. It appears that the world is once again on the brink [takes off his glasses] of Wacky Races.
Randy: Wacky Races?! Holy shit!
CNN anchor: The prime minister of Japan (Shinzo Abe is shown) insisted that any race would break the Treaty of Salzburg, which called for a cease-fire to the Wacky Races for their senseless brutality. They also claim that if a race does take place, they would have no choice but to enter their completely self-driven prototype Lexus into the conflict. The Canadians and Chinese are also saying they would be forced to race, and no one yet has heard from Dick Dastardly or Muttley. Unless a miracle happens, this Saturday morning the world will witness the fist Wacky Races in nearly 50 years.
Scene Description: Food 4 Little, day. Shoppers rush in and get all the cereal they can get
Shoppers: Wacky Races oh God! Wacky Races oh my God! Oh my God Wacky Races oh my God!
Gerald: Randy, they're bringin' back Wacky Races Saturday monring!
Randy: I know! Are we watching at your house?!
Manager: That's it, everyone! We're out of cereal!
Shoppers: No! I didn't get any! That guy has two! [more clamoring]
Manager: There's none left, don't you understand?!
Scene Description: The park at South Park, day. All the Handicar drivers are assembled, and Stephen Stotch holds court.
Stephen: Don't you see what they're doing? This is just another example of corporations trying to keep down people with handicaps!
HC driver 5: Don't do the race. You don't have to prove anything. [Timmy is shown, weary]
HC driver 6: He HAS to do it, don't you see? He has people that are depending on him to raise as much money as possible. There are hundreds of people with handicaps now.
Timmy: Timmih...
HC driver 7: But isn't that the problem? I mean, let's face it, it's not like he's able to keep the driver quality up. Anyone can have a Handicap now. I mean, even Matthew McConaughey is a Handicar driver now, for Chrit's sake!
Matthew McConaughey: Hey. [rolls up] I was drivin' a Handicar... way before I got paid to drive one. I just like how it feels.
Stephen: Look, the point is that this is your opportunity to make Handicar- oops, sorry. [loses control of the wheelchair] Hold on, sorry, went too far. [comes back around] This is your opportunity to make Handicar thee transportation of thte future. Think what you could do with all that money. [Timmy begins to think over this]
Scene Description: Wacky Races, Saturday morning. Each driver and car are shown as they are announced.
Announcer: And here they are, the most daredevil group of shared-ride drivers ever to whirl their wheels in the Wacky Races, competing for the title of the future of transportation. Cars are approaching the starting line. First off is the Lyft car [a purple sedan with a huge pink mustache on the grill], a ride-sharing company out of San Francisco. next up is the ZipCar, a pay-by-the-hour concept based on Chinese bicycles. Maneuvering for position is the standard taxicab driven by an angry Russian. Right behind is the Hummer salesman in his 2014 Hummer No Class. And there's ingenious inventor Elon Musk in his new Tesla D. Oh, and here's the lovely Canadian actress Neve Campbell in the Canadian conept vehicle The Queef, powered completely on female natural gas. [she queefs to make it go faster] Next we have the Handicar with Timmy Burch. And there's the completely automated self-driving car from Japan. Limping along last are those double-dealing do-badders Dick Dasterdly and his sidekick Muttley. [Muttley snickers] And away they go on the way out Wacky Races. [a shot of the adults gathered in the Broflovski living room, with milk and Franken Berry and Kap'n Krunch cereals on the coffee table] And this live coverage of the event will be broadcast all morning, of course, on CNN.
Stuart: Jesus. It's begun.
Gerald: God help them all.
Randy: All I know is... if Dastardly and Muttley are up to their old tricks, there's gonna be a lot of violence today.
Scene Description: BBC World
BBC announcer: You are watching BBC World.
BBC anchor: The vioent conflict over transport is underway, and it is even more senseless and vile than many remember. We return you now to our live coverage of.. the Wacky Races.
Scene Description: Wacky Races, Saturday monring. The race is well underway across Colorado.
Announcer: As the Wacky Racers roll down the roadway, we see that the taxicab in in the lead, with Handicar pulling up the rear.
Timmy: [way in back] Timmih!
Announcer: [a map shows up] All the cars must follow the same route. First they'll leave the town of South Park, then navigate through Giggling Gulch on the final stretch to pick up the passenger, a Miss Dotty Applegate. Once the passenger is picked up, the vehicle must successfully deliver her to the destination point at her daughter's house in Morrison. [back to the race] It looks like the ZipCar is trying to vie for position past the Hummer vehicle. It's neck and neck as the Wacky Racers all push to be first to pick up the passenger. [An elderly lady waits for her ride at a Thrift Or Less store] Miss Applegate is waiting patiently. [the racers are shown] And Elon Musk's Tesla appears to take the lead.
Nathan: Slow down. I need Timmy to pick up the passenger before we do.
Elon Musk: But I though we wanted Handicar to lose the race!
Nathan: He can't just lose the race, he has to get sued and lose the whole business. That's why when he picks up the passemger, I've got a little surprise waiting for him. [he shows off a control pad]
Mimsy: D'ah hey boss, it seems like every time you come up with a plan it kind of backfires on ya. If you really don't wanna go to summer camp so bad, why don't you just tell your parents how you feel? [Nathan and Elon just look at him] You know, tell 'em you don't wanna go and just see how they react. [they keep loooking at him, and he gets a clue] Wait wait, I got it. [smacks himself] Shut up, Mimsy!
Nathan: Hey Mimsy.
Mimsy: [leans forward] Yeah?
Nathan: [smacks him] Shut up! [Mimsy sits back]
Announcer: The Canadian car overtakes the self-driving car. And now here comes the ZipCar, which is being driven by Matthew McConaughey.
Matthew McConaughey: [nice mood music in the car] I was drivin' a ZipCar... way before I got paid to drive one.
Announcer: And look at this! The Lyft car is the first to arrive and pick up the passenger. [Ms Applegate gets into the back seat, and the Lyft driver takes off] Now the Lyft car must take the passenger to her destination, but look at this! The Hummer salesman is running the Lyft car off the road! And the Hummer salesman is taking the passenger to the car and he is gong to let her drive herself!
Mr. Stevenson: [pitching the Hummer to her] You've got a fully automated sound system and your sunroof is operated right here. What do you think? Huh? Can you see yourself in one of these puppies?
Announcer: Elon Musk is using one of his kooky inventions to put the Hummer out of commission for good. [a cannon rises out of the Tesla and fires a shot at the Hummer. The missile hits the Hummer and blows it up.]
Gerald: Wow.
Randy: Geez!
Stuart: God.
Randy: Did you see that?! Oh!
Announcer: The passenger is being taken to the Tesla D now. [Mr. Stevenson is dead, the Hummer is totaled. Musk escorts Miss Applegate, but the South Park taxi driver scoops her up] No way! She just got snatched by the pissed off Russian in his taxi. Miss Applegate is now in the back of the taxi and she's being forced to watch Jimmy Fallon. [Fallon is rubbing a giant pickle in his guest's face. Meanwhile, The Queef has stupped running] Uh oh, the Canadian car has completely run out of queefs. [Heve tries three times, but there are no more queefs in her] With the race neearly over, it's taxi out in front followed by self-driving car, and then pulling up in third is Handicar!
Timmy: Timmih!
Announcer: It's gonna be a close one!
Dick Dastardly: Not too close, Boopsie! [Muttley snickers]
Announcer: Oh no, Dick Dastardly is up to no-do-goodery again.
Randy: Ohh! Ohh! Duuude! [Dick Dastardly saws a tree in two, and the tree falls on the taxi, destroying it and the self-driving car that runs into the taxi. The adults in the Broflovski living room react to this]
Gerald: Oh no! Ohh!
Sharon: Oh no, I can't watch! [shields her face.]
Randy: Oooo! Booom!
Mrs. McCormick: Ohohohh!
Stuart: Nice! Oh yeah! [Sheila just hides her eyes]
Announcer: And there's Handicar to pick Miss Applegate up. [she climbs in and the Tesla is pulling up fast]
Nathan: That's it! Handicar has the passenger! We're almost in range! Another hundred feet! [sees a bunch of cars closing in on him on his phone] Wait a minute. What the hell are all those cars? [lowers his window] Holy shit! [sees a fleet of Handicar drivers coming at the Tesla]
HC drivers: Timmy! Timmy! [the drivers just bunch up on the Tesla and push it over on its side]
Elon Musk: Aaaaaah!
HC drivers: Timmy!
Announcer: We're near the finish line; the race is almost over. Handicar is in the lead, still way out in front of the ZipCar driven by Matthew McConaughey. [a shot of Matthew listening to his mood music]
Matthew McConaughey: Sometimes you gotta go forward by goin' backward. Are we drivin' cars or are cars... drivin' us?
Announcer: Dastardly car is racing past both. [Nathan and Mimsy hijacked it. Mimsy is driving] This could be an upset, folks. [Mimsy makes a U-turn and parks the Dastardly car off the road. He and Nathan get out]
Timmy: Timmih!
Nathan: Goodnight, you son of a bitch! [the ZipCar reaches them and Nathan presses the detonator on his control pad. The ZipCar blows up. Mimsy and Nathan take notice] Mimsy! I told you to put the explosives under Timmy's seat!
Mimsy: D'ahh you told me to put the explosives under the seat of that fake soft-spoken douchebag that everyone loves!
Nathan: Not that fake soft-spoken douchebag that everyone loves! [secondary explosions create a portal above Matthew McConaughey, and he's sucked in]
Announcer: Oh my, it appears that an explosion has opend up a wormhole with Matthew McConaughey inside.
Matthew McConaughey: Mimsy! [the car levitates a bit, but as soon as the wormhole is gone, it falls back on the road]
Announcer: And there's the finish. It looks like Handicar has done it!
Timmy: Timmih! [the handicapped kids all cheer]
Scene Description: The meeting room, day. Steve gives Timmy a ribbon
Steve: A big congratulations to our fundraising champion! After selling the Handicar rights to Elon Musk, Timmy has raised 2.3 billion dollars for summer camp. [the kids cheer] Great job to all of you. This is sure to be the best summer camp ever! [more cheering]
Scene Description: Nathan's house, night.
Nathan's mom: All set for bed, honey?
Nathan: Yeah I like to sleep at nighttime.
Nathan's mom: All right, goodnight. [kisses him on the temple and heads for the door]
Nathan: Wait! [she stops] Wait, Mom? Can we talk?
Nathan's mom: Um... yes, o-of course. [sits down on his bed]
Nathan: This is very difficult, Mom. But um... You know how every year I go to summer camp? Well, I hate it. I hate it and I don't want to go anymore.
Nathan's mom: I'm sorry, I can't understand you honey. You're handicapped.
Nathan: What's to understand? I'm telling you I don't want to that stupid camp anymore!
Nathan's mom: You want water? Is that what you want?
Nathan: No! I don't wanna go to camp!
Nathan's mom: Ohhh yes, okay honey, I'll turn off the lamp. [gets up, turns it off, and walks out, closing the door behind her]
Nathan: No! That's not what I fucking said! [stumbles around in his room] Goddamnit, now I can't even see! Ow!
Scene Description: Outside Nathan's room
Nathan's dad: What's he saying?
Nathan's mom: That he doesn't wanna go to summer camp this year, but I'll be damned if he's gonna ruin our Italy trip.
Nathan's dad: Right.
Nathan: [still stumbling in his room] Oh! Aah! Mimsy!


Scene Description: Butters' room, day. He's at his computer singing to himself.
Butters: Loo looloo loo loo loo loo, Loo looloo loo loo.
Cartman: [opens Butters' door and enters] Hey, douchebag, are you doing anything kewl?
Butters: Hey, Eric, I'm just lookin' at a video of bird eggs that I took.
Cartman: [heads for Butters' bed] Oh goddamnit, nobody's doing anything kewl! [gets on Butters' bed and lays down on his back.] I'm so bored! Everything is so stupid!
Butters: I don't know, this bird nest is pretty neato.
Cartman: No, it isn't.
Butters: My dad and I shot it yesterday at the lake.
Cartman: That's stupid.
Butters: You can see the momma bird fly in.
Cartman: I'm dying of boredom.
Butters: We took all kinds of video with his drone.
Cartman: [sits up, suddenly interested] What did you say?
Butters: [looks over his shoulder] You know, those drone thingies. You can make it fly anywhere, and shoot video, and stuff.
Cartman: Your dad has a fucking drone?
Scene Description: Butters' house, day. Butters and Cartman lift up the garage door and behold the drone
Cartman: Whooaa! [runs up to it for a closer look]
Butters: It can fly like a quarter mile away from whoever's controlling it. And it can take video the entire time right to your phone. Don't touch the propellers.
Cartman: [pulls his finger back and smiles at Butters] You wanna take it out for a spin?
Butters: Are you crazy?! This is my dad's drone!
Cartman: [runs up to Butters and stands next to him] Do you have any idea how much fun we can have with this thing? We can spy on everyone!
Butters: My dad said it's not for spying on people.
Cartman: Butters, that's all drones are for. If we use it for a couple of minutes tonight, your dad will never know.
Butters: Oh, he'll know. You can hear it take off.
Cartman: Okay, good idea. [picks up the drone] We'll take it over to my house. Come over after dark. And don't tell anyone!
Butters: [goes to take the drone back] No, Eric. I don't wanna d-
Stephen: [off screen] Butters?
Cartman: Oh, shit, it's your dad! Go, go, go! [leaves the garage with the drone as Butters faces the source of the call, then pulls down the garage door] I'll see you later at my house.
Stephen: Butters, are you home??
Butters: Comin', Dad! [leaves the garage through the side door into the house]
Scene Description: Cartman's house, night. He's been working with the drone, figuring out how to operate it. There's a knock on his door.
Cartman: Butters, is that you?
Butters: Yes, it's me.
Cartman: [opens the door just a crack and peeks out] Nobody followed you, right? You didn't tell anybody?!
Butters: Of course not!
Cartman: Alright, come in. [opens the door to reveal Kenny] Kenny's here; I told him all about it. [Kenny waves hello]
Butters: What?! You said nobody would know!
Cartman: It's just Kenny. Like we're not gonna tell Kenny we have a fucking drone! Come on, Butters! Alright, come on, guys. I think I have this thing figured out. [outside, the drone sits in the grass in the backyard, 50 feet away from the house. Suddenly it rises to 23 feet, above the boys' heads, then veers to the right] Dude, no way! This thing is so epic! [the drone's camera shows some backyards through a fish-eye lens. A dog barks up at it from below.]
Butters: Be careful! The powerlines!
Cartman: Dude, look! There's everyone's backyards! [in the distance, Kenny's house is shown from the back two blocks away. The drone veers to the right and drops down a bit, headed for a back door] Dude there's Craig's house! That's Craig's house!
Kenny: (Okay, try to get closer!)
Butters: Okay, uh, maybe that's enough. [the drone approaches Craig's window]
Cartman: Aw dude, look, there's Craig! Heheh. [Craig is shown at his computer. The drone moves to the next window and shows Craig's mom undressing.] Craig's mom is taking off her clothes.
Kenny: (Are you serious?!)
Butters: [gruffly] Let me see!
Cartman: Check it out guys, she's taking o- Oh my God, we've got full bush!
Kenny: (Stop taping!)
Butters: Jeeeeezz!
Cartman: This thing is recording, right?
Kenny: (Yeah.)
Cartman: Dude! That is Craig's mom's bush right there! Wait, wait what's that? [Craig's mom has heard the drone and called her husband Thomas over. She stands behind him as they both look at the drone outside their window] Oh shit, dude! Bail! Bail! [thrusts the controller at Butters]
Butters: What do I do?!
Cartman: His dad sees you!
Butters: [begins to panic] I don't know what to do!
Cartman: Fly back to the house, stupid!
Scene Description: The Stotch house, night. Thomas Tucker bangs on the front door and Stephen comes to answer it.
Thomas: You've got a problem, Stotch!
Stephen: What are you talkin' about?
Thomas: You know what I'm talkin' about! There was a drone spyin' on my wife, and you're the only person I know with a drone!
Stephen: Hey now hold on. I am a drone hobby enthusiast. I would never use my drone in a way that contradicts the drone hobbyist code of conduct.
Thomas: Horseshit! Your drone is out there flyin' around right now!
Stephen: I assure you, my drone is sitting in the garage. I'll show you.
Scene Description: The Stotch house, garage. Stephen leads Thomas to the garage. He opens the side door
Stephen: There, you see? It's right there. [sure enough, the drone and its controller are on the garage floor as expected.]
Thomas: So, thuh so you flew it back here in time.
Stephen: I swear I didn't fly it.
Thomas: Well, these things don't just fly themselves, do they? They outta be illegal. I'd better not find out it was your drone! [hurries out of the garage. Stephen looks at the drone and wonders... spooky theremin music plays, so he's a little afraid as well]
Scene Description: Butters' room, night. Stephen opens Butters' door and looks in
Stephen: Butters?
Butters: [already in his PJs and in bed, but clearly panting] Oh, heh-hey, Dad.
Stephen: Butters, did you hear the drone making any sounds in the garage?
Butters: [panting throughout] Ah, hold on Dad. I should be sleepin'. Why do you ask?
Stephen: Nothing, son. It's nothing. Get back to sleep, pal. Love you.
Butters: I love you too, Dad. [Stephen leaves and closes the door. That was close.]
Scene Description: South Park, morning. At the bus stop, Cartman and Kenny wait for the school bus
Cartman: Alright, alright, shh Kenny, here come Stan and Kyle. Remember, not a word about this to anyone!
Kenny: (Yeah, I know, dude.)
Cartman: Not a word, Kenny!
Kenny: (Alright!) [Stan and Kyle's voices are heard]
Stan: Yeah, but seriously, it's like there's no real thing to hang on to, you know?
Kyle: Yeah, I don't even know if I'm gonna watch it anymore.
Stan: I know. [they take their places next to Cartman]
Cartman: Hey, you guys.
Stan: Sup? [the pressure gets to Cartman, but he resists. He finally cracks]
Cartman: You guys wanna see Craig's mom's bush?
Kenny: (Dude! What the fuck!)
Stan: What?
Cartman: Somebody, I guess, was spying on Craig's mom and they got pictures of her bush, and it's like, it's like a yeti. You guys wanna check it out? [whips out his phone]
Kenny: (Dude!)
Kyle: That's horrible. If that's true, I don't wanna see it.
Cartman: You don't wanna see Craig's mom's bush.
Kyle: Not if somebody took pictures without her knowing.
Stan: Let me see.
Cartman: [shows Stan] Locked and loaded. Full metal bush, bro.
Stan: How'd you get that on your phone?
Cartman: Oh. Um, uh... Kenny? [motions for Kenny to get closer, but Kenny doesn't budge] Oh, it was on the Internet. Yeah, I just downloaded it off the Internet and nobody knows who took it. Huh, Kenny?
Kenny: [grudgingly] (Uh huh.)
Kyle: That's terrible!
Cartman: I know, right? Now everyone's gonna see it.
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, later. Craig is at his locker when Jimmy, Token and Clyde approach him
Jimmy: Hey, Craig, have you checked out the Internet lately? [he and the other two chuckle]
Craig: What are you talking about? [Cartman comes into view at the end of the hall and walks towards the boys room]
Jimmy: Ohhhh nothin'. It's just that... y-you might wanna invest in some hedge clippers. [he and the other two chuckle. Cartman chuckles as well]
Craig: For what?
Jimmy: Ohhhh nothin'. You just might wanna... hire Tarzan to do some... landscaping work for your mom. [he and the other two chuckle. Butters comes out of nowhere and shoves Cartman into the boys room, slamming him into the stall 1 wall]
Butters: What the heck are you doing?!
Cartman: Whoa, Butters, chillax, bro.
Butters: When did you put Craig's mom's bush on the Internet?!
Cartman: Butters-
Butters: You promised me we wouldn't get in trouble!
Cartman: Butters. Butters.
Butters: Now everyone is gonna know what we were doing!
Cartman: Butters, I had to! [Butters lets him go] Okay, I had to put it on the Internet!
Butters: WHY?!
Cartman: Because Stan saw the video on my phone, alright? If the video is only on my phone, then clearly we did it! If we downloaded it off the Internet, then anyone could have done it!
Butters: I should have never listened to you! Ah I should have known this would get out of hand!
Cartman: Butters, don't start playing the blame game here, okay?! You and Kenny are just as responsible! And the next time you wanna shove me, just remember, I'm covering your ass! [they leave the restroom. Stall 1 opens and Kyle steps out, angry at what he just heard]
Scene Description: Neighborhood Watch meeting, Roger Donovan's house, evening.
Roger: Hi everyone. For those of you I don't know as well, my name is Roger Donovan, and un, just like you I'm pretty upset about what's going on in our neighborhood.
Thomas: How are these drones legal?! My wife didn't deserve to be splayed all over the Internet like that!
Roger: Yes, well luckily nobody's watched the video of course. [a round of denials from the gathered adults] But the fact is that these drones are only getting more popular. I mean, anyone can get a drone off Amazon for 200 bucks, and there's no laws and the whole thing is pretty damned hairy. Oh-ohh, God I'm sorry Laura. [she looks around and gets mad] You know I I meant the situation is pretty hairy, right? Nothin' to do with you p-personally. I mean, how would I even know? I didn't see it. [she crosses her arms] Um...
Randy: [stands up] Look, we're all here because what happened to Laura could happen to any of us. There's nobody regulating these drones and if we don't do something now, we're gonna be up to our navels with bush. [winces. Sharon puts her face in her left hand] Oh um, up to our necks in trouble. Sorry. [sits down and looks at Sharon]
Laura Tucker: You know, it used to be called "natural". Completely shaving bald down there used to be the weird thing.
Thomas: It's okay honey, the-
Laura: But now, because I "choose" not to let society dictate how hairy my vagina should be,
Randy: Eeww.
Laura: I'm labelled as some kind of freaking monster!
Roger: And and and that's the point. I mean, we all have things about ourselves that are embarrassing, that that-
Laura: I'm not embarrassed about it! It's natural!
Stuart: It's a lot of natural.
Roger: Look, look, why we're here is because it's gonna take all of us, a neighborhood watch, to make sure that our community stays safe.
Mr. Garrison: Yeah, but how can we keep that close a watch on the whole neighborhood?
Randy: It's simple.
Scene Description: The neighborhood, day. The first Neighborhood Watch drone, which is black, appears, followed by more drones.
Randy: Oh yeah, this is gonna work great. [smiles]
Scene Description: The bus stop. The four boys are there. A Neighborhood Watch drone flies over it and then flies off.
Kyle: Are you happy now?!
Cartman: What? [the drone returns and goes the other way]
Kyle: Is, is this? Do you think this is cool?
Cartman: What does that have to do with me?
Kyle: See, when you start invading people's privacy, eh thinking it's harmless to put up pictures of them they didn't want up - Kenny! - you start a domino effect that eventually screws everything up for everybody!
Cartman: Kenny has no idea what you're talking about, dude.
Kyle: I was in the bathroom when you were talking to Butters, Cartman! [another drone floats by in the background] I know what-
Cartman: You were what?!
Kyle: I was in the bathroom-
Cartman: You were spying on me?!
Kyle: No, I was taking a crap, and I heard you guys talking!
Cartman: But you didn't say anything?! That's fucking spying, Kyle!
Kyle: How is that spying?!
Cartman: You were listening, but we didn't know you were there?! How is that not spying?! You'r a dick! You're a spying dick! And now you wanna lecture Kenny about spying?! Fuck you, hypocrite dick spy! [another drone hovers by]
Scene Description: A strip mall, day. One of the stores there is The Hobby Enthusiast. Stephen and Butters go inside.
Clerk: Hello, can I help you?
Stephen: Yes, I'd like to return this drone. [sets it on the counter. The clerk looks through the open box]
Clerk: You wanna return it?
Stephen: Yes, I'm... I'm not into the hobby anymore.
Clerk: The hobby of flyin' drones is new and exciting. How can you not be into it? [Butters puts his arms tight against his sides and glances here and there]
Stephen: Look, something's wrong with it. It does things, it... [leans in] flies by itself.
Clerk: Uhh, noo, somebody has to control it.
Stephen: [stands straight] You don't understand. It was in the garage and the battery was fully charged. Someone said they'd seen it flying around, so I checked. [leans in] The battery was half empty.
Clerk: [looks at Butters, then back at Stephen] I'm sorry, but we don't do returns. [Butters relaxes a bit]
Stephen: Please, I just want another hobby to get enthused about.
Clerk: Sir, did you try looking at the SD card? All the video gets recorded to that so you could probably determine who flew it. [Butters tenses up again]
Stephen: You think I didn't try that? I pulled out the SD card. It was all erased. Somehow it erased everything.
Clerk: Uh, sir, did you consider that your son might have done that?
Stephen: No, it's impossible. He's not allowed to fly it without my supervision. [looks down to his right, then to his left. The clerk fixes his gaze on him]
Scene Description: A closeup of Thomas putting his pants on. He hears a Neighborhood Watch drone buzz by and looks out his bedroom windows
Thomas: Oh for God's sakes! [goes into the bathroom, where he sees Laura at the sink, having just gotten out of the shower. He also sees another drone outside the window, which has open curtains] Goddamnit get the hell out of here! [the drone hurries away, and he goes to the window and closes the curtains] That DOES IT!
Scene Description: Park County Police Department, day. The Tuckers are there to file a police report
Thomas: You people have to do something! You're the law, and these things NEED to BE illegal!
Officer 1: But they aren't illegal, Mr. Tucker.
Thomas: Our privacy was invaded, and now there are kids at school making music videos with the footage of my wife! Have you seen what they're doing?!
Sgt. Yates: Nono, none of us watched the video, but if we did, we could handle it. We're police officers. We see sickening things like that every day.
Officer 1: We understand the humiliation your wife has gone through, Mr. Tucker, but we don't-
Laura: I haven't been "humiliated", I've been wronged! We are here to ask for your help, now are you gonna help us or not?!
Officer 1: Well that'd probably be best left to a professional hair removal company.
Officer 2: Or perhaps a forest ranger?
Thomas: Help us with the drones spying on us!!
Sgt. Yates: All right, all right. We'll do everything we can.
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Cartman walks by the boys restroom when Butters comes at him again and shoves him into the restroom, again slamming him into the stall 1 wall.
Butters: Are you out of your mind?! What are you doing?!
Cartman: Butters.
Butters: Why would you turn "Craig's mom's bush" into a music video starring us?!
Cartman: Because, Butters-
Butters: Why can't you leave it alone?! Why can't you just stop?!
Cartman: [brushes Butters' hands off his jacket] Because, Butters, Kyle was spying on us, okay- [stops and kneels down to see if there's anyone in the stall, then gets up again] Kyle was spying on us, and he knows that we put the video of Craig's mom on the Internet. He found out everything. That's why I had to make another video.
Butters: Why?!
Cartman: Because when Kyle said he heard us say we made the video, we can say we were talking about THIS video. "Ohh, thank you Eric, that's pretty smart. I really owe you one."
Butters: That poor lady. Her vagina is everywhere. Poor Craig.
Cartman: Butters, we live in a world where privacy is gone. Okay? It's... It' just gone, bud. Your wiener, my balls, they're public domain. You can get on the Internet right now and look at that chick from Hunger Games butthole. We can either all freak out about it, or we can just calm down because honestly, I'm getting a little sick of covering your ass!
Scene Description: The neighborhood, night. A Neighborhood Watch drone flies around and hones in on the Broflovski house. Gerald is on the couch eating a slice of cake and watching TV - Real Housewives of Atlanta.
Randy: Heheh, Gerald is watching Housewives of Atlanta.
Sharon: You're supposed to be keeping watch on the neighborhood.
Randy: I am. Let's see what Nelson's doing. [the drone leaves the Broflovski house and hovers over to the Neloson house, where Nelson is having sex with his girl. Randy puts his wine glass on the bedstand and concentrates on the video feed. He glances at Sharon a few times to see if she's noticing. She isn't. Soon, a police drone appears, with blue and red flashing lights and a siren. It aims for Randy's drone.] Oh shit! [gets his drone to fly off, but the police drone keeps up] Dude! Neighborhood Watch! I'm Neighborhood Watch! [has the drone turn to face the police drone, which is armed. The police drone fires two rounds into Randy's drone, which falters. Sharon finally looks over] I've been shot! [his drone crashes into a backyard] No! Noooo!
Scene Description: News 4 breaking news.
Anchor: Shock and outrage all over the state tonight after an on-duty police drone chased and shot down an unarmed civilian drone, and worst of all, yes, the civilian drone was black. [a picture of a similar drone pops up behind him]
Jimbo: What gives them the right to shoot down our drones?!
Randy: I wasn't doing anything wrong! This is a complete outrage to drone owners everywhere!
Farmer: It was about yay big. [strokes the back of his head] I mean the hair on it was out to here [spreads his arms out so there's three feet between his hands], and then it had another trail of hair down from her belly button. I mean, the, the drone. Yeah, that's what I saw. That that's all I saw.
Anchor: While police claim they were only following standard protocol, the drone owners are banding together and holding a candlelight vigil.
Scene Description: Downtown South Park, night. A group of civilian drones hovers down the street, each drone holding a lit candle. Sirens and lights come up and the drones turn right to see police drones approaching
Police drone: Please disperse. Candles on top of drones are a fire hazard, [the civilian drones look at each other] Return to your garages.
Mr. Garrison: [on his bed holding the controller and a glass of wine] What the hell are these police drones doing? We can't protest now?
Steve: [on his bed with Linda, his wife] Just hover, honey. They can't do anything if we're just hovering.
Scene Description: Randy's house, later. Someone is banging on his front door, and he goes to answer it. It's Stephen, with Butters on the sidewalk
Stephen: [looking frazzled] Randy. We need to talk.
Randy: Okay.
Stephen: Inside. [Randy lets him in and moments later sits on the sofa with Sharon and Butters. Stephen paces the floor before them] I've been going over it and over it in my head. I thought Butters and I were alone, but then I saw you on the news. [walks up to Randy] Another drone hobby enthusiast whose drone was blamed for something the enthusiast didn't recall doing. Randy, this is very important. Is it possible that you did something contrary to the proper code of conduct for drone-flying enthusiasts?
Randy: No. I didn't. [theremin music starts up as Stephen walks back to where he was]
Stephen: I thought it was just my drone, but I think it might be all of them.
Randy: What might be?
Stephen: Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth! Our drone flew! The battery was drained! The SD card was erased! Butters was the only other person who had access to it! Butters can't use the drone without my supervision! So where does that leave us, Randy??
Randy: ...Drones are spooky?
Stephen: If they have minds of their own, they're more than spooky! I don't know about you, but I'm starting to feel pretty unenthused about this hobby.
Scene Description: News 4 news break.
Anchor: The town of South Park has become a hotbed of tension with civilians lashing out at police. After police used excessive force at a peaceful protest, the town has now broken out into full-scale riots. [sure enough, there are riots all over the place, but no humans are rioting. It's all the drones. One drone crashes into a building, then bounces off it and into a car through the windshield. Another drown crashes through Tele's display window and two others make off with a flatscreen TV] As the people of South Park continue to protest, the South Park police are now ordering a mandatory reverse curfew. The governor has asked for help from the National Guard to bring order to the town.
Scene Description: South Park, day. National Guard drones begin flying into town. In one house, a woman goes to undress. A drone stops by to get a closer look, and a second one joins it, then they both fly off. The woman hears the buzzing and looks out her window.
Scene Description: 20/20 preview
Announcer: Tonight on an all-new 20/20. [a Viper probe droid appears onscreen...] A town in crisis over the matter of privacy. [...and gets a red "NO" circle stamped on it] Now for the first time we sit down and talk to the mom behind the bush.
Scene Description: The Tucker house. A 20/20 reporter is interviewing Thomas and Laura in low light
Reporter: You've become sort of a poster child for privacy and drone issues.
Laura: I don't think anyone wants to live in a world where police drones are monitoring Neighborhood Watch drones. I mean, where does it stop?
Reporter: It just... keeps going on and on. Kind of like your... [Laura gets mad] I mean... it just... goes outside what most people would call... acceptable.
Laura: Have you ever seen pictures of naked women before 2005?! It's not that weird!
Thomas: It's okay, honey.
Reporter: I didn't see the video. I don't believe in doing that, but uh... I'm just saying that... the situation in in your town is... unwieldy? [the power begins to flicker and on monitors everywhere the image of Stephen appears, with Butters behind him. Stephen now has facial hair and a paranoid look about him]
Stephen: Please do not adjust your televisions!
Reporter: What is that?
Stephen: My name is Stephen Willis Stotch. The drone that took the video of Craig's mom... was my drone. I didn't want to believe it, but they do things without us knowing. At this point, I have completely lost all enthusiasm for the hobby. [a shot of Gerald and Sheila in bed with their glasses of wine and their controllers] All of you with drones, please listen to me. Three days ago my drone recorded a video that something uploaded to the Internet. We all were told to respectfully not watch the video. But on the page, [holds up a printout of the YouTube page] it has over three hundred million views, so if none of us watched it, who did? [a shot of Gerald and Sheila, then Steve and Linda] We have to find a way to get rid of them! Before they get rid of us!
Scene Description: Cartman's house, day. His doorbell rings and he goes to answer it. It's Butters, and behind him are police drones and National Guard drones
Cartman: Oh hey Butters. Sup?
Butters: Do you remember when I showed you the video of the little bird eggs? Well that's the last time I felt happy.
Cartman: Dude, what's the matter?
Butters: I have to tell the truth. I want you and Kenny to come with me and tell Craig's mom we're sorry and that we'll-
Cartman: Okay okay okay. Come inside, there's drones out here. [takes Butters in and closes the door]
Butters: I don't want anymore discussions, Eric! I don't want anymore excuses!
Cartman: Butters.
Butters: I just want to end this so we can take our punishment and be done with it!
Cartman: [while Butters speaks] Okay. Okay. Butters, Butters.
Butters: I don't want all these drones everywhere! Nobody does!
Cartman: Butters. BUTTERS. All right, all right Butters, fine! I have a way that we can get rid of all the drones.
Butters: You do?
Cartman: Yes. Everyone is sick of it, it's just that everyone is waiting for everyone else to stop. We can put an end to it all tonight. We're just gonna need one thing.
Butters: What?
Cartman: Your dad's drone.
Butters: NO! There is NO WAY I'm gonna-
Cartman: Butters. Butters Butters! Jennifer Lawrence's butthole didn't take picture of itself! It started with her! Right? Just like this started with you spying on birds! Now I'm willing to bail you out of all this, but I swear it's the last time! Okay?!
Butters: ...Okay.
Scene Description: Butters' house, night. Stephen is at the sofa preparing a sizeable bomb. He's soldering the ends of a cable together, then takes a sip of spirits, then picks up a grenade launcher and pops a grenade in place. He stands up
Stephen: Time to end this hobby once and for all! [he moves stealthily to his garage, opens the door, and jumps in ready to blow his drone up, but finds it missing again] No! NOOOO!
Scene Description: Cartman's house. Kenny is back with Butters and Cartman as Cartman gets ready to execute his next big idea.
Cartman: [with the controller] Alright, we've got power. Prepare for takeoff.
Butters: If this doesn't work, we're dead.
Cartman: It'll work, Butters. If there's one thing we've learned, it's that drones can't resist Craig's mom. [he gets the drone going. It rises, pulling behind it a blow-up doll made to resemble Laura, with a large bushy wig over the crotch. The drone and doll hover away from Cartman's house.]
Scene Description: Park County Police Station, night. The police drones, some with shields, hover over the civilian drones. A news drone flies by. Both sides jockey for positions, but then notice the National Guard drones arriving. One of the civilian drones then notices the sex doll floating by. The doll floats up to the police drones and National Guard drones and they take notice too. The doll floats away and all the drones, civilian, police, and National Guard, follow. The doll floats through the town gathering more and more drones. It goes over the bridge and across Stark's Pond, luring all the drones away. Where they ended up is anybody's guess.
Scene Description: A convention room, night, several days later. Stephen Stotch is at the podium with the rest of the town seated at tables. Everyone is applauding the Tuckers, but Laura isn't pleased.
Stephen: We're here tonight to pay tribute to a woman who overcame humiliation, who rose above the monsters invading her privacy and said "No more!" Just when it seemed that we were about to live in a world controlled by drones, she did something miraculous. And someday, our children's children will still be telling stories about how Craig' mom flew through the town and led all the drones away. [more applause, and Laura buries her face in her right hand. A minstrel with lute comes out to sing Laura's praises]
Minstrel: Have you heard the tale of Craig's mom's bush And the night that it saved us from drones? Nobody knew the power it had. They just thought it was shaggy and gross. Craig's mom live a life of shame and despair Everyone feared her great giant bush!
Laura: They didn't!
Minstrel: But then when drones were filling the sky, She unfurled her bush and she used it to fly. Craig's mom's bush, Craig's mom's bush. Gargantuan thicket of madness. Bigger than earth and denser than gold. Truly a magical bush to behold.
Scene Description: Butters' and Cartman's table. Butters is a bit distraught. The minstrel continues with the lute and some whistling
Cartman: Well, you see, Butters, everything worked out. [Butters doesn't respond] "Oh, thank you, Eric. I screwed up everything, but now everyone's happy. Thanks for covering my ass."
Butters: Craig's mom doesn't seem very happy.
Cartman: [taken aback, then sighs] Alright, I have a way that we can make Craig's mom happy.
Butters: No! No, no! I'm sorry. Thank you, Eric! I screwed up everything, but now everyone's happy! Thanks for covering my ass!
Cartman: You're welcome. [the minstrel begins to sing again]
Minstrel: And she flew and she flew away into the sun And then she died. Craig's mom's bush, Craig's mom's bush. Truly a magical bush to behold.