Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day, recess.
Cartman: Alright cool, guys, gather all around. Everyone should be a witness to this. [Cartman and Craig are at a tetherball pole, and Cartman is holding the ball. Around them are a bunch of boys, most of them from the fourth grade] Alright, you ready? Now say "I'm a dork, and I deserve what's coming to me." Come on, dude, "I'm a dork, and I deserve what's coming to me." [the camera pulls back a bit, and Butters is seen at the top of the tetherball pole, hanging from his briefs.]
Butters: I'm a dork, and I deserve what's coming to me. [Cartman hits the ball and it wraps around the pole, finally hitting Butters on his right temple] Ow.
Cartman: Alright, your turn Craig.
Butters: Fellas, my underwear is so far up my buttcrack my legs are numb! [Craig grabs the ball]
Cartman: Well that's what you get for being a douchebag again Butters! You gotta take your medicine.
Butters: Uyeah, I guess I deserve it.
Stan: Hey heeey, what the hell are you guys picking on Butters for this time?!
Cartman: Aw dude, you guys are not gonna believe this. You know what we just found out? Well it turns out that Butters, our Butters, has never kissed a girl. [Craig hits the ball and it wraps around the pole until it hits Butters on the face]
Butters: Uugh!
Kyle: So what?
Butters: So what?! [the ball returns and Craig catches it] So I'm almost nine years old and anyone who hasn't kissed a girl by fourth grade is a dork!
Craig: That's right. [steps back and hits the ball again. The ball wraps around the pole and hits Butters on the face again. Cartman laughs]
Clyde: You guys, we got it! [walks up with Token] We got it. Sally Darson is selling kisses for five dollars.
Butters: Sellin' kisses?
Clyde: She hangs out behind the temp building during afternoon recess. She'll kiss any boy that pays her.
Butters: You mean I'm... gonna kiss a girl... today?
Scene Description: The boys' bathroom, moments later. Butters is now putting on a tie.
Clyde: [giving advice] So then when she sticks her tongue out you just kind of lick it with your tongue.
Butters: Oh boy, I sure am nervous.
Cartman: Nothin' to be nervous about, Butters. You're finally going to become a man today.
Kyle: Butters, I think you should reconsider this.
Butters: Uh, how come?
Kyle: Dude, you don't want your first kiss to be something you paid for. It's supposed to be special.
Cartman: Oh God, why don't you sit under a rainbow and write a poem, Kyle?
Butters: I gotta do this! I gotta know what it feels like!
Scene Description: Back in the playground, moments later. Butters is walking to the temp building with a crowd of boys following him at a short distance.
Butters: Oh boy... Oh jeez, oh, stay calm Butters... Eh, how was it?
Francis: Pretty worth it. [walks away with a dreamy look in his eyes]
Jimmy: Go ahead, Bu-Butters. Go- go get some.
Butters: I'm going! [walks towards the back of the temp building] Ohh... [finds Sally and talks to her nervously] Oh, hi.
Sally: Hey. [punches something into her cell phone and puts it away in her back pocket]
Butters: So ummm yeah, ah, I was hopin' maybe I could get a kiss.
Sally: Okay, cool.
Butters: Yeah, cool, uhhhm... umuh... okay. [puckers up and steps closer to Sally]
Sally: So you got money?
Butters: Oh, money... Rrright. [reaches into his pocket and pulls out a five dollar bill, then hands it to her] There you go. A five dollar bill, all for you. [smiles, but that turns into surprise when she whips out her wad of bills and adds the five dollar bill to it. She puts the wad back away]
Sally: All right, you ready? [she turns to face him and puckers up. He looks at her and leans in, closing his eyes. She does not close hers. They kiss on the lips. They then separate and Butters isn't sure what to make of it]
Butters: Thank you! [turns right and walks back to the playground. As he approaches the boys, he raises his arms up and smiles]
Cartman: Atta boy Butters!
Tweek: You did it!
Jimmy: You're a man now! All right Butters good job!
Token: Good job, Butters!
Scene Description: Butters' room, night. He lies there awake, his hands behind his neck, pretty happy about the school day.
Butters: [thinking to himself] Boy oh boy. I finally did it. I'm a man now. [frowns, thinking of what being a man entails] Jeez, I'm gonna start havin' lots of responsibilities soon. I gotta start thinkin' about a career. There's gonna be family and bills to start worrying about. M-no more play time for you, Butters! You gotta buckle down and find, and find yourself a way to make money. [aloud, smiling] Hey, I know.
Scene Description: Lunchtime at the school cafeteria. The kids are eating lunches, and Butters comes into view, stopping at a table of boys.
Butters: Hey fellers! Fellers, do you like gettin' kisses? 'Cause I know a girl that'll give you a great kiss for just five dollars!
Scott: [with a lisp] She'll kiss anybody?
Butters: Sure, Scott! Even if you got diabetes!
Scene Description: Behind the temp building, moments later. Butters waits as Scott gives Sally his five dollars and kisses her.
Scott: Wow. [turns and walks away] It's almost like having someone care about you. [walks back towards the playground]
Sally: Jeez Butters, thanks for bringing me yet another customer. Here's your two dollar cut again.
Butters: [taking his cut] Boy oh boy, this sure is great! I've been thinkin', Sally: I could probably drum up some third grade customers if you could do kisses before school too. We could make double the money.
Sally: Oh, that'd be great, but I can't do kisses before school. I have swimming class.
Butters: Aww nuts! [walks off a bit] Well, I did have another idea. What if we got another girl to fill in for you sometimes?
Sally: What?
Butters: Well, you know, we bring someone on, show her what to do, and then share all our money together.
Sally: [walks up to him] Wow, you're right Butters. I should start expanding.
Butters: We could have our very own... [puts out his hands and frames an imaginary plaque] kissin' company.
Scene Description: Butters' bedroom, day. He's got three easels up with info and four girls seated before him. He's using a pointer to highlight the info on the easels. He's laying out his business plan to the girls, who all have notebooks and pencils.
Butters: The next key to a successful business is "innovation." I think maybe we need to understand that some boys simply can't afford the five dollars for a kiss, so what if we start also charging just two dollars for a hug?
Sally: Wow, that's a great idea, Butters.
Butters: Why thanks. Sally, I think your position behind the temp building at recess is perfect. Megan, I'm thinkin' about moving you to the baseball field after school during little league practice.
Megan: [a third grader, taking notes] Got it.
Butters: I got a kissing booth set up at the kids' fair on Saturday so Kayla and Ashley, you take turns there. Any girl that sells more than twenty kisses gets [puts up a smiling sun sticker on Sally's row on the work schedule] a little sunshine, but if you don't show up for work at all, I'm afraid you get a stormy cloud.
Sally: This is gonna be great!
Scene Description: Park County Police Station, day. Seems Detective Yates is now police captain there. Detective Murphy enters the work room with a report.
Murphy: Sir! Sir, take a look at this. We've got rumors coming in of a possible "prostitution company" starting up in South Park.
Yates: What?! [grabs the report and leafs through it] Hohoo, not in my county!
Murphy: We've got no information on the prostitutes, don't know who they are or where they came from.
Yates: [walks off a bit] So then we need to go after the johns. We need to let the men of this town know that if they paid for sex they're going to jail!
Murphy: Sting operation, sir?
Yates: [turns to face his men] We need an undercover cop disguised as a prostitute, so we can arrest any citizens looking for cheap thrills!
Scene Description: A seedy side of town, night. Chief Yates is dressed as a hooker and is waiting curbside for a john. A car slowly rolls up, then stops. Yates approaches the car.
Yates: Hey baby, you looking for a party?
Driver: Ha... how much are you charging?
Yates: Twenty for oral, fifty for half and half, anal will cost you extra.
Driver: Aww- get in. [Yates gets in and the car takes off]
Scene Description: An alley, night. The car rolls into it.
Yates: Right here's good, sexy. [the driver stops the car] Now if you wouldn't mind handing over the twenty dollars for oral sex.
Driver: Ok-okay. [grabs his wallet, pulls out a twenty, and hands it to Yates]
Yates: All right, buddy!... Go ahead and unbutton your pants. [the driver unzips his pants] All right! Here we go. [leans down unto the driver's genitals and starting giving him head]
Driver: Aw... Aw yeah. Oh man oh... Ohh! Aw-aw-AWWW-aw. AW-aw. Oh, s-sorry I was so quick.
Yates: Oh that's all right. [leans down to get something] Nothing wrong with a-FREEZE! [whips out his gun and badge, aiming the gun at the driver] You're busted, buddy! I'm a cop!
Driver: Awhuh! What?!
Yates: This is a sting operation, scumbag, and you're going to jail for soliciting prostitution. [grabs his walkie-talkie and talks into it] Got our first one, boys. I'm bringing him in for booking.
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day, the hallway. Kids are moving from place to place. Kenny, Cartman and Stan walk by and Kyle stops them.
Kyle: Did you guys hear what's going on? There's like four girls at the school now offering to kiss boys for money.
Stan: Yeah, I heard that now even Stacey Anderson is selling kisses.
Kenny: (Stacey Anderson?) [mumbles something more, pulls out his five dollar bill and walks away. Butters walks up to them from the other direction]
Butters: Hey fellas. Would anyone like a coupon? We're offerin' two for one kisses today through Thursday.
Stan: Butters, you're the one doing all this?
Butters: Yep! I am founder and head CEO of the Butters Kissing Company. Just look at this. [pulls out his stack of bills and shows it off]
Cartman: Damn dude, you made all that money offa chicks?
Butters: I'm tellin' ya guys, this is the most genius idea I've ever come up with. A lot of boys would pay to kiss my employees.
Kyle: You didn't think of anything, Butters! Guys have been doing what you're doing for years! You're nothin' but a common pimp! [slams his locker door shut and walks off with the other three boys]
Butters: ...A pimp. Huh...
Scene Description: At the newly-christened Butters Kissing Co, Ltd. in his bedroom. Butters and Sally are at his desk. Butters is researching what it is to be a pimp.
Butters: Bohy, Kyle was right, Sally. There's guys with kissing companies all over the country. "The person managing all the women is known as the 'pimp,' while the working women are referred to as 'ho' or 'bitch.'" Oh, you're a bitch, Sally. [smiles]
Sally: Oh. [smiles]
Butters: Hey, look at this! There's about to be a big pimp convention, it looks like. I gotta get to that convention, Sally. I could learn all kinds of stuff for our company.
Scene Description: The Players Ball, night. Pimps and bitches of all shapes and sizes arrive and enter. Inside, they mingle, drink, dance, and Butters walks into view in a shirt and tie, and a name badge. He's sipping something. He spots a grown pimp and two of his bitches.
Butters: [addressing the pimp] Hi there. My name is Butters. This sure is a nice convention, huh? Yeah, I'm just starting out. I really came last minute 'cause I was hoping to learn more about being a successful pimp.
Bishop: You? You be pimpin'?
Butters: Yeah, just about a week now. I have four girls at the moment, but I feel like I could be doing a better job.
Scene Description: The Players Ball, A table of pimp trophies to be handed out is shown, then the camera moves up.
Bishop: Now see, you think you're a pimp, but you can't be pimpin', know what I'm sayin'? You wanna be a pimp, then you gotta learn the game. See it's all about knowin' the game.
Butters: What's the game?
Bishop: The game is how you treat the bitches, know what I'm sayin'? Bitch gotta know when she out there, she makin' yo' muthafuckin' money, know what I'm sayin'? You got yo' main bitch, know what I'm sayin'? That be your "bottom bitch." That bitch rank higha than all the other bitches but she still a bitch, know what I'm sayin'?
Butters: [taking notes] Yes I- I know what you are saying. You don't have to keep asking.
Pimp 2: See it's all about mind control. You gotta act a punk. Any man can control a bitch's heart, but a pimp gotta control a bitch's mind, know what I'm sayin'?
Butters: I know what you're saying.
Pimp 2: Pimp gotta be out there every motherfuckin' day keepin' his bitches in line. Can't let 'em go shoppin', spendin' their money on stupid shit. Bitches gotta think that's your motherfuckin money, know what I'm sayin'?
Butters: [getting pleased] Yeah! I believe I know what you are saying!
Scene Description: Butters' home, day. Butters walks in the front door.
Stephen: There you are, Butters!
Butters: Hey Dad!
Stephen: Butters, we heard a rumor that you might have a little girlfriend? [Linda doesn't look pleased] Sally Darson?
Butters: Aw hell Dad, I got lots of girlfriends. Sally's just my bottom bitch. [walks past his parents and up the stairs, but stops for a moment and looks at them.] Do you know what I am saying? [they're left speechless as he continues up the stairs]
Scene Description: A dark alley in South Park, night. Chief Yates is dressed again as a bitch and is in the back seat of someone else's car.
Driver 2: I've got to tell you I... I don't do this kind of thing very often. You're sure you're not a cop, right?
Yates: No way! Let's just get to this, baby.
Driver 2: Alright.
Scene Description: An unmarked police van is nearby, with some officers listening in...
Yates: So, you are agreeing to have sex with me for one hundred dollars, correct?
Driver 2: Sure, I have the money right here.
Murphy: [to the other officer] Remember, he's going to give us the code word to move in. Wait for the code word, "stretch."
Scene Description: A police cruiser, nearby. Two other cops are listening in as well...
Officer: Code word is "stretch," copy?
Scene Description: A rear shot of the john's car, which has tinted windows.
Yates: Oh yeah, yeah, get those pants down.
Driver 2: Oh, you feel good.
Yates: Oh, you're a nasty little fuck, aren't you? Yeah, let me see that hot penis of yours. Oh yeah, nice. Yeah, I'm ready when you are.
Driver 2: Oh yes. That's great. [the car begins to move up and down]
Yates: Yeah, you like it?
Driver 2: Oh, I love it!
Yates: Yeah, you're a dirty fuck!
Scene Description: The police van. The officers are shocked.
Yates: Yeah, come on! Harder! Deeper!
Driver 2: Oh yeah! [the van's driver looks back to see if Murphy and the other officer are as shocked as he is] Oh yeah!
Yates: Yeah, teach me a lesson, daddy!
Scene Description: The police cruiser, the two other cops are shocked too...
Yates: Teach this little whore a lesson!
Driver 2: Yeah! Yeah!
Yates: Yeah, that's right!
Driver 2: Awww, awwwww, awwwwoh! [the john's car stops moving] Awh. [the john sounds out of breath] Oh, oh man! [a shot of the john and Yates putting their clothes back on] Thank you! That was great.
Yates: Yeah, you really worked it, Daddy. You really gave my little hole quite a... [leans into him] STRETCH.
Scene Description: The police van. Murphy acts on the code word.
Murphy: Uhhh, that, that's it. Move in! [the police van and car arrive quickly and the officers jump out]
Driver 2: Oh God! It's the police!
Yates: [quickly whips out his badge and gun] Freeze! [takes the john out of the car and throws him against the hood] You are under arrest for soliciting prostitution! Book him, boys! [the other officers come in and cuff the john]
Driver 2: Please! Please don't do this! I have a wife and kids!
Yates: A wife and kids. And you're out here trollin' the streets for prostitutes. You make me sick! Take him downtown, boys. I'm goin' back on the street.
Scene Description: The school playground, day. The supervisor comes into view.
Supervisor: [blows her whistle] That's it recess is over back to class.
Kids: [disappointed] Aaaaaaah.
Butters: Boy oh boy, really great work, bitches. You all sold lots of kisses today. Except for you, Megan, I'm afraid you get a stormy cloud sticker today.
Annie: So wait, you're keeping all the money now?
Butters: I just hold on to all the money, 'cause bitches can't be trusted with it. We pool all the kissing money together, see? But if you wanna buy anything, you just talk to the bottom bitch [places his left hand on Sally's right shoulder], and then the bottom bitch talks to me. Alright, see you after school! [walks away] Do you know what I am saying?
Scene Description: Fourth Grade classroom, day. Mr. Garrison is writing math problems involving fractions on the blackboard.
Mr. Garrison: Alright children, I want you to copy down these math problems and solve them before recess.
Butters: [sees an opportunity...] Yo, Bebe. Bebe yo.
Bebe: [bothered] What?
Butters: Bitch you wanna make some motherfuckin' money?
Bebe: [really bothered] What?!
Butters: Bitch you should be doin' kisses on the playground. You can make fifty bucks a day! Buy all the purses and shoes that you've ever wanted. I'll treat you right, bitch.
Bebe: Shut up!
Butters: Oh, alright then. [copies some problems down, then looks at Wendy. Softly...] Hey Wendy. Wendy! [loudly] Bitch, don't you wanna start makin' some real fuckin' money?
Wendy: Leave me alone.
Butters: Why you were made for the playground, bitch. You should be out there workin'. Don't you want a new lunch box? Nice new coat? I can get all that for you, bitch.
Stan: Butters. Dude!
Butters: What?
Stan: You can't call my girlfriend a bitch!
Butters: Oh. Well all I'm sayin' the bitch should be out there workin' is all. [turns to Wendy] Whatcha doin' bitch? Just givin' kisses to Stan for free? Why you should be makin' some motherfuckin' money!
Wendy: Stan!
Stan: Butters, seriously, if you don't stop this I'll kick your ass!
Butters: [whips out a bill] Clyde, here's a hundred bucks. If Stan comes near me, punch him.
Clyde: Wow wee. [grabs the hundred]
Cartman: Dude, we've created a monster.
Butters: Come on Wendy, you should be puttin' that mouth to work.
Mr. Garrison: Butters! Butters, do you have a problem?!
Butters: All these bitches are kissin' fellers, and they haven't figured out that they can be making some serious fuckin' money!
Scene Description: A shot at the temp buildings from the back of the main building. Butters escorts a new bitch to the area behind one of the buildings.
Butters: Really glad you joined the company, Annie! Now remember: you're chargin' five dollars for a kiss, two for a hug, and six for half and half. Alright bitch? Alright, how about a freebie? [she gives him a freebie] Ohwoah, [twirls around] whoopie! [walks away, leaving Annie at her new post. As he re-enters the playground, Kyle meets him]
Kyle: Butters, I really think we should talk.
Butters: Sure, Kyle.
Kyle: Butters, can't you see this is wrong? You've got little boys all over school spending all their lunch money on kisses. Boys shouldn't be paying for kisses. It's wrong.
Butters: Kyle, every boy pays for kisses. Do you know what I am saying? If you've got a girl, and she kisses you, sooner or later you're paying for it. You've gotta take her out to lunch, take her to a movie, and then spend time listenin' to all her stupid problems. Look, look at Stan right there. [Kyle turns to see Stan, who's listening to Wendy over at the merry-go-round] He's gotta sit there and listen to her stupid motherfuckin' problems 'cause she kisses him. If you ask me, that's a lot more than the five dollars my company charges.
Kyle: Butters, what's happened to you?
Butters: What happened is that I became a man! I'm sorry I'm not your little buddy anymore, but there's a time people have to grow up! [storms off, but turns once more to ask] Do you know what I am saying?! [turns and continues walking towards the main building]
Scene Description: ATΩ frat house, night. There's a party going on in there.
Frat boy 1: [from the third floor balcony] Alpha Tau Omega, woo!
Frat boy 2: [walks by on the street and looks up] ATOs!
Frat boy 3: Alright, ATOs, our little Kevin is twenty one today! [the other frat boys cheer] And so, Kevin, we would like to welcome you to manhood. Our gift to you. [a huge three-tiered cake is wheeled in and the music changes as Chief Yates jumps out of the cake. He begins to dance around]
Frat boys: Eewwww!
Singer: Suckin' on my titties like you wanted me, Calling me all the time like Blondie. Check out my Chrissie behind, It's fine all of the time. Like sex on the beaches, What else is in the teaches of peaches? Huh, what?
Scene Description: ATΩ frat house, later that night. Only three windows on the second floor are lit now, and an orgy is heard.
Yates: Give it to me! Come on, you sissies, I can fit more of ya! [more moaning from the frats] Yeah, you like your little stripper whore?! You like her?! FREEZE! [silence. Only the crickets are heard. Some minutes later the police swarm the frat house] Take them all to the station, for oral and anal sex with a prostitute! Half of them didn't even use a condom! [faces the frats] Don't you stupid kids know the diseases you can catch?! Hand me that evidence bag. [an officer hands him the bag, which he opens and places under his ass. He proceeds to crap into it, but when the bag is sealed, it's all white - it's all semen.]
Murphy: Sir, sssome of us are wwwondering if maybe y-you're not... taking this role a bit far?
Yates: What?! No way! Nothing is more important than keeping prostitution out of our community! [his cell phone rings] Oh, hold on, that's my daddy. [answers the phone] Hey Daddy.
Bishop: [at the other end of the line] Where you at, bitch? I need my bottom bitch right now.
Yates: Ye-yes, Daddy, I'm on my way.
Bishop: I made you my bottom bitch, now you gotta take care of yo' pimp, know what I'm sayin'?
Yates: Be right there. Sorry guys, my daddy needs me right now. [limps away painfully]
Scene Description: The streets in another Colorado city, night. Two prostitutes are working a corner with cigarettes in hand. The white one has a black left eye.
Black bitch: Damn bitch! Yo' pimp beat yo' ass again?
White bitch: He's an asshole.
Black bitch: You know, I heard a rumor about some new pimp up in Park County. They say he's real respectful; lots of girls switching over to him.
White bitch: A pimp that respects his hos? Sign my ass up. [takes a drag from her cigarette]
Scene Description: Butters Kissing Co, Ltd. Butters' stable of bitches has expanded to include some adult prostitutes.
Butters: And that's... three thousand dollars today for Charise. [looks up at her over his left shoulder]
Charise: Did I do good, Daddy?
Butters: REALLY great work, bitch! That is another... [looks for the right cell to place the sticker on and finds it] sunshine sticker for you.
Charise: Thank you, Daddy. [kisses him on his head]
Butters: [gets excited] Mmmwhoa boy!
Scene Description: ACORN, the Association of Community Organizations for Reform Now, day. Butters is filing some paperwork with the receptionist there. His bitches stand near the entrance waiting for him to finish.
Butters: And so, I would like to see if there are any housing loan opportunities for some of my employees, and also what kind of corporate tax I should be filing under.
Receptionist: And exactly what kind of business are you running?
Butters: It's a kissing company.
Receptionist: And you're making a profit?
Butters: Oh sure! My black employee Charise over there, one time she made two thousand dollars, on one customer! Can you believe it? Two thousand dollars just to kiss a feller. She currently stays in a motel room, 'cause a lot of her customers see her late. [puts his hand over the right side of his mouth and whispers so Charise doesn't hear] You wouldn't believe the time of night some fellers wanna kiss.
Receptionist: [getting suspicious] Do you keep any record of the men getting these "kisses"?
Butters: 'Course. My bottom bitch keeps a database of all our customers, specially the VIPs, like Senator Morris.
Receptionist: Senator Morris?
Butters: Sure! Senator Morris gets kisses every day at lunchtime. You know where he likes to get kissed?
Receptionist: Where?
Butters: In a motel room. Darnedest thing. He must get sleepy.
Receptionist: Alright, get out of here! [throws Butters' papers back at him]
Butters: Huh? Why?
Receptionist: I'm not falling for it!
Butters: But I heard ACORN helps pimps and their bitches!
Receptionist: [rises in anger] We aren't giving you anything; get out! [her boss walks up next to her]
Boss: Mrs. Davis, is there some kind of problem?
Receptionist: Eh no sir.
Butters: Heey! Mr. Daniels! You get kisses from my bitch Roxy in the alley behind Sizzler. [Mr. Daniels' jaw drops, and Mrs. Davis looks at him]
Scene Description: Butters Kissing Co, Ltd., later. A couple more females have joined the company.
Butters: Boy, how do you like that, bitches? Approval for two housing loans and tax-exempt status. File these away, Sally.
Sally: Okay.
Charise: Ubup. Daddy, how come this ho get to be bottom bitch?
Sally: What?
Charise: I make the most money for you Daddy, that means if anyone should be bottom bitch, it's me.
Sally: [she and Charise face off] Hey, screw off, ho.
Charise: Fair is fair, ho.
Butters: [rushes in to keep the hos from fighting] Whoa whoa, bitches, bitches!
Yates: [voice only] Excuse me! [comes through the door] Well well well, this must be the organization I've been hearing so much about. Took me a long time to find you. You won't believe the hardships I've been through trying to track you down. My name is Yolanda. I'd like to know all about your operation here. You see I just left my pimp recently and I'm looking for a new one?
Butters: Oh. Well we operate on a sixty-forty split here. Bitches have access to Medicare and now, low-income housing loans.
Yates: Well, I think that's about all I need to hear.
Bishop: [voice heard outside the window] Yolanda! [his car honks repeatedly] Yolanda!
Butters: What's that?
Scene Description: Butters' front door, moments later. Everyone has gone downstairs to see who's calling Yolanda. Bishop is on one knee with a bouquet of flowers in his hands.
Bishop: [pleading] Yolanda please! You gotta come back to me! I got nothin' without you!
Yates: You've got a lot of nerve coming here, Keshawn! After the way you treated me? I need a pimp that doesn't beat me every time he gets drunk!
Keshawn: [on his feet] Yolanda, I looove you. I need you. Not as my bottom bitch. I want... [back on one knee] I want to marry you. [opens a small box in which rests an engagement ring. Yates looks moved by this display of affection]
Yates: It's too late for that, Keshawn! I just told this pimp I was his bitch now.
Butters: Well wait, hold on now. Why I'd never get in the way of somebody being happy. Well us pimps gotta be good. Even to each other.
Keshawn: [crying gratefully] Thanks, pimp. You done changed the game, that's what you did. [offers the ring once more] Marry me Yolanda? We'll move to a little château in Switzerland and get away from all this.
Yates: Oh Keshawn! [runs to him and they hug and kiss for a long time]
Butters: Wha? Awww.
Keshawn: I love you so much.
Yates: Babe, I love you too.
Keshawn: So much, baby.
Yates: Let's, uh, let's just be happy okay?
Keshawn: Promise, babe. Promise.
Butters: [moved to tears] Oh, oh. [feeling remorse] Oh jeez. [closes the front door softly]
Scene Description: Butters' living room.
Butters: Gals. Gals, could you all come gather round? Gather round, gals; take a knee. [the girls come and genuflect] Gals, I... well I'm afraid I can't do this anymore. I'm gonna be leavin' the company. Well I enjoyed being your pimp and all, it's just that... when I see real love, like what those two people have, well, well it just makes me feel like a... well, like a dick. Well I may be a man now, but it doesn't mean I have the right to be earnin' money for what girls do, whether you're chargin' fellers for kisses by cash or by makin' them listen to your stupid motherfuckin' problems. Well that's your hard work. Bitches, this is your company now, so get out there, and make yourselves some motherfuckin' money!
Scene Description: The Swiss château. The camera zooms in from a great distance. Bishop and Yates are enjoying their new home.
Keshawn: Happy anniversary baby. [slips a diamond necklace on Yates' neck] Do you like 'em?
Yates: I love 'em, darling.
Keshawn: I wanted to get you something extra-special.
Yates: [reaches down to get something] Well hold on. I've got something for you too, my love. I just put it right over here by the... [whips out his gun and badge] FREEZE!! Ha! You're busted, buddy! I'm a cop!


Scene Description: A professional wrestling ring. John Cena and Edge are in the ring with two lady wrestlers. One of them wears a pink bra, the other a black one.
John Cena: Say that again, Edge! You think you're better than me?!
Edge: Cena, your mouth has gotten you in trouble for the last time! I'm gonna shut it up for you!
Spectators: Oooooooooooooooooooooo!
Darryl: Mess him up, Edge!
Obese woman: Kick his ass! WOO!
John Cena: Oh yeah?! I've got somethin' else to tell you, Edge! I slept with Vanessa last night. [everyone boos. Vanessa, the one with the pink bra, is embarrassed and tries to hide her face]
Redneck 1: [his vest has a tag that says "Eddie" on it] Cena slept with Edge's girlfriend?
Cartman: Oh my God, dude, this is sooo awesome!
Stan: I'm having the best time!
Edge: [a huge image of himself is on a massive TV screen behind him] You cheated, and took my belt from me, and now I can't hardly get work wrestling! You took muh girl AND you took my job! [all gasp]
Darryl: He took his job!
Redneck 2: He took his jrrr?
Redneck 3: Took hid drrr! [Edge throws down the mic and prepares to attack Cena. Edge slaps Cena hard enough that Cena falls to the ground, then does a victory pose. The ladies begin to wrestle]
Cartman: Oh, sweet! [the woman in black bra pulls on the other woman's arm using her right leg as leverage, then begins pummeling her. Cena throws Edge against the ropes]
Edge: Whoa... [flies off the ropes and into Cena's clothesline, which sends him to the floor on his back.]
Butters: Yes! Yehhehehes!
Cartman: This is awesome!
Scene Description: The Pepsi Center, night. The show has ended and the fans are pouring out of the center towards their cars. The boys come out as well: Stan, Kyle, Cartman, Kenny, Butters, Jimmy, and Token.
Cartman: Dude! That was so badass!
Kyle: Wrestling is awesome!
Stan: This is it you guys! We know what our calling in life is now. Tomorrow we are signing up for wrestling class! [the other boys cheer this decision.]
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, after school, gym. A sign on the gym door says the junior wrestling club is meeting at 4:15. The gym has new windows. The seven boys are present, all wearing protective gear and wrestling uniforms. They look down at their uniforms.
Cartman: The fuck is this?!
Stan: [a couple of seconds later] Why did they have us put on long underwear.
Kyle: Well ah I guess in wrestling we're supposed to make our own outfit, and then wear it over this.
Butters: Ohhh. Yeah, that makes sense.
Kyle: Alright, so did everyone settle on their wrestling names?
Cartman: I did. I'm the Rad Russian. [affects a fake Russian accent] I come from Russian to crush your puny capitalist heads!
Coach: [arriving] Alright boys! I'm really glad to see we have some new recruits interested in the fine sport of wrassling.
Kyle: Cool!
Stan: Yeah!
Butters: Let's do this!
Cartman: All right!
Coach: Now, the first thing we're gonna learn today are the fundamental wrassling holds. Let's get some volunteers. Uh why don't come over here young man? What's your name?
Cartman: The Rad Russian.
Coach: What?
Cartman: You capitalist swine, I'll crush you!
Coach: Okay uh, just go ahead and get on your hands and knees.
Cartman: Huh?
Coach: Just, down on, down on the floor. [Cartman bends over a bit, unsure of how to do this, given his girth] Hands and knees. [the coach helps him out in getting into position.]
Cartman: Okay...
Coach: Alright and now how about you. Your name is?
Butters: Triceratops!
Coach: Uh, all right, uh cu, come on over here. I'm gonna position you in the official wrassling starting position. [drapes Butters over Cartman] Here- we- go.
Cartman: The fuck is this?!
Coach: Now just reach around him here. Good.
Cartman: Dude! Dude! DUDE! [jumps to his feet] The fuck are you doing?!
Coach: Get back on the floor! I'm teaching the starting position of wrassling!
Cartman: That's not wrestling, dude, that's fucking gay!
Stan: Yeah, what are you? A child molester?
Kyle: Where's all the cool costumes and jumping off ropes and stuff?!
Coach: Oh, not this again! Let me guess: you just went to that stupid WWE show in Denver last night!
The boys: Yeah! [all smiles]
Coach: Ugh. [the boys frown at this] The WWE is not wrassling! That's a bunch of fake bullcrap! How stupid are you! Real wrassling, boys, is this! [spreads his arms out to indicate the floor and their uniforms - practice, practice, practice]
Cartman: Well this is fucking lame dude! Let's get the hell out of here, guys. [they all take off their headgear and walk away]
Stan: Yeah, this guy probably wants to take pictures of us naked.
Butters: I got, half a mind to report, r-report you to the police, sir! [throws his headgear on the floor and walks away glaring back at the coach]
Coach: Rrrgh!
Scene Description: Cartman's house, day. He holds up a program written in crayon.
Cartman: The Wrestling Takedown Federation has several matches planned today. Alright, sooo, here's how we'll do this, guys. I'll come out to the ring first and then Jimmy, you come in and tell me you're gonna kick my ass. Then I'm gonna say "You slept with my girlfriend," and I'll charge you into a head slap.
Jimmy: Sounds good.
Cartman: Then Butters, you come in as the ref all like "No no, the fight hasn't started yet," and that's when Jimmy sneaks up from behind and hits me over the head with a foldaway chair.
Butters: Okey doke.
Jimmy: So is that when I t- tell you that your girlfriend is a whore?
Cartman: Noo, let's save the "girlfriend is a whore" line until after Stan headbutts Butters for trying to stop the fight again.
Butters: Hmboy, wrestling sure is fun!
Cartman: Alright are you ready to try this, guys?
Stan: Yup.
Cartman: Alright, let's start wrestlin'. [the boys take their starting positions]
Jimmy: I am gonna k-kick your ass!
Cartman: You slept with my girlfriend, Hammerclaw! [Cartman slaps him hard, and Jimmy falls. Butters intervenes.]
Butters: Hey! No! No, the fight hasn't started yet. No, bad.
Cartman: Hey! He slept with my girlfriend, referee! In my country we don't wait for a bell, miste-[Jimmy sneaks up behind him with a folding chair and smashes it into the back of his head, making him fall forward] ah!
Jimmy: Your girlfriend is a whore!
Cartman: [whispers aloud] Wait for it, wait for the whore line.
Jimmy: [softly] Oh, I'm sorry.
Token: You're gonna get it now, Hammerclaw!
Stan: We'll see about that!
Butters: Now hold on! I am stopping the fight! [Stan headbutts him] Eoh!
Scene Description: A park behind the Cartman house. The wall separating the backyard from the field is gone.
Redneck 4: What's goin' on?
Redneck 5: Apparently that crippled kid slept with that Russian kid's girlfriend.
Redneck 4: Jeez they're so young.
Scene Description: First match.
Kyle: I'll kill you, Triceratops! You made fun of my crippled mother!
Butters: That's because your mother betrayed my mother, Juggernaut!
Scene Description: Second match.
Stan: You don't come to this country and make fun of it!
Cartman: And just vhat do you care about your pitiful country?!
Stan: I served my country! I fought for two years in Vietnam.
Scene Description: From the seats in the backyard.
Redneck 6: That kid was in 'Nam? Man, that's incredible!
Redneck 7: Good for you for serving your country!
Scene Description: Out on the street, a redneck runs to tell the rednecks haning out on a truck.
Redneck 8: Guys, check this out! There's this little kid from the Congo, who was raised by panthers!
Redneck 9: Are you serious?
Scene Description: Third match.
Kyle: Just admit it, Congo! Admit that you lied about me to Irene!
Token: I admit nothing! Maybe Irene lied to you!
Scene Description: From the seats in the backyard. There are more chairs present.
Redneck 10: That kid in the hat is havin' sex with two different girls?
Redneck 11: Naw, that little kid from the Congo lied about one of them to try and get the kid in the hat in trouble with his wife.
Redneck 12: They're married?
Scene Description: Fourth match intro.
Jimmy: You have to forfeit the fight, Rad Russian! You cannot fight until your test results come ba-back!
Cartman: I might have to wait for my hepatitis test, but in the mean time, I have brought my comrade from Mexico to wrestle against you!
Scene Description: From the seats in the backyard.
Redneck 9: That Russian kid's got hepatitis?
Scene Description: Fourth match.
Announcer: And here he comes now, the cold-blooded wrestler from Mexico, El Pollo Loco! [Kenny, dressed as a masked luchador, comes out to mariachi fanfare and sparklers. The spectators clap and cheer him on]
Jimmy: What are you doing here, El, El Pollo Loco?
Kenny: (I came here to kick your ass once and for all!)
Scene Description: Nighttime. The wrestling matches are coming one after the other, connected by convoluted plot lines and story arcs.
Kyle: Your girlfriend doesn't even like you, Stan the Man! She likes me!
Stan: You have no idea what you're saying Juggernaut! Irene loves me and I'm gonna marry her!
Kyle: If she wants to be with you, how about you have her tell all these people here?
Announcer: Uh oh, here she comes now! It's Bad Irene! [Cartman, dressed as a diva, walks out of the dressing room and towards the ring. The crowd hoots and hollers. She climbs right in and takes the mic from Stan's hand]
Cartman: Let me tell you something! Let me tell you something! It's true, I love Stan the Man with all my heart, but... I want to be with Juggernaut now.
Stan: What?!
Redneck 13: No! No! What are you doing?! Stan the Man loves you!
Redneck 14: Don't break his heart!
Stan: If you love Juggernaut, Irene, then tell him what you did two years ago! How you killed his child!
Cartman: It's true. I was pregnant with your child and aborted it. [the crowd boos and expresses its disapproval]
Kyle: Irene, no! Why?
Cartman: Do you know what it's like to have an abortion at seven years old? DO YOU? I've had so many abortions. I just... got addicted to them.
Redneck 15: Whoa, did you hear that?
Redneck 16: Shh!
Stan: Irene, you said you loved me!
Cartman: I'm not in love with you, I'm in love with abortions. Don't you undestand?! [screams, runs up to Stan with a steel chair, and smashes him with it, knocking him down]
Spectators: Ohhhh! [Kyle runs up to Cartman and knocks him down with a flying kick] Ahhhh!
Scene Description: Skeeter's Bar, night. A bunch of men are gathered at the bar chatting.
Darryl: I'm telling you guys, you've got to see this. These kids ain't more than eight or nine years old an' they got more problems than you can imagine.
Redneck 13: There's this one kid, he saw his father get murdered. And yesterday he finds the killer, and it's this other kid whose an ex-cop. Needless to say, he whupped his ass good.
Darryl: Yup, and there's this little girl, she's actually addicted to gettin' abortions. Got pregnant by nearly every boy there.
Redneck 17: You're shittin' me!
Redneck 13: No! We're telling you these kids are fucking crazy! You gotta check it out! [the wrestling coach is sitting nearby, stewing at the conversation]
Darryl: You can watch 'em almost every afternoon. It's some of the greatest wrestlin' we ever seen.
Coach: [rises from his seat and approaches the men at he bar] It isn't real! Don't you people understand that stuff isn't real?! None of it! How stupid are you?! [Skeeter and another bar patron look at each other]
Redneck 13: [strokes his chin thoughtfully] What do you mean, it ain't real?
Coach: It's all made up! Fiction! Real wrassling is a serious and respectable sport! Why can't you people understand that that kind of wrestling isn't real?!
Darryl: [walks up to the coach] Mister, there's a little girl out there who's had fourteen abortions, an' she ain't even ten yet. But I guess that's just [holds up two fingers on each hand in a quote gesture] "not real" to you! [turns and walks back to the bar, saying under his breath] Son of a bitch.
Coach: Look look look! [whips out his iPhone to show them] THIS is wrestling. THIS. [two men are shown wrestling in Greco-Roman style. There's a lot of grunting in the match. The bar patrons watch the little screen for a few seconds]
Darryl: Mister, you'd better take your gay porn an' walk right out of this bar.
Scene Description: Cartman's backyard, a new dressing room. The boys prepare for their matches. Stan looks out through the curtains.
Stan: Holy crap dude, there's a huge turnout tonight.
Kyle: Good thing we made those changes to the seating.
Cartman: Alright you guys, let's bring it in. [the boys huddle and hold hands] I think we've done a really great job and let's just keep the energy up, you know, have a good flow, and have fun out there, okay?
Butters: Yeah!
Kyle: Let's do this! One! Two!
Boys: Backyard wrestling!
Scene Description: Cartman's backyard, moments later. The yard has been transformed into a Greek amphitheater. A façade now covers the back side of the house and a wrestling ring is in the amphitheater's pit. The place looks filled to capacity with people chattering, waiting for the matches to begin. The amphitheater lights dim and the crowd cheers as the wrestlers come out.
Cartman: Oh what a perfect night for fighting. Lo, the moon sets upon the tips of the trees and I, the man known as the Rad Russian, start to stir with the excitement of violence.
Stan: Only a country like yours can breed men of such discontent, Rad Russian. But you don't know what real pain is! PAIN! Like I've known. Abandoned when I was four years old by my parents. Left to die in a cold and dark sewage tunnel!
Redneck 13: Gee, I didn't know his parents did that.
Redneck 18: Shhh.
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, principal's office, day. Principal Victoria is talking with the wrestling coach.
Principal Victoria: I'm very sorry, but I'm afraid we have to terminate your employment here at South Park Elementary.
Coach: You're firing me? Why?!
Principal Victoria: The school board has decided to discontinue the wrestling program. Wrestling simply involves too much adult subject matter, like murder and abortion. [shows him the South Park Gazette, which has the headline "Kids Wrestle with Adult Issues"]
Coach: No, this isn't wrassling! THIS ISN'T WRASSLING! Principal Victoria, just let me stay on and I can teach kids what real wrassling is!
Principal Victoria: I'm sorry, the board has made up their minds.
Coach: You can't fire me for what these kids do!
Principal Victoria: That isn't the only reason you're being let go.
Coach: What do you mean?
Principal Victoria: [sighs] We... found all the gay porn on your iPhone, Mr. Conners.
Scene Description: The wrestling dressing room, day. The boys are dressing up for another round of wrestling matches. Kyle and Token are talking.
Kyle: So I'm thinking we do the part about Jimmy's relationship with his alcoholic father after you smash Butters onto the table.
Token: Oh! Sure, that works.
Cartman: [rushing in with a letter] You guys! You guys, listen to this! It's amazing!
Kyle: What dude? [the other boys gather 'round]
Cartman: We just received a letter from the WWE.
Stan: From the professional wrestlers we saw in Denver?
Butters: No way!
Cartman: "Gentlemen, We have heard of your wrestling organization and are quite interested in its popularity. The WWE is delighted to inform you that it will be sending a talent scout, President Vince McMahon to view your wrestling event this Saturday the twenty-fourth."
Stan: Vince McMahon is coming to see us?
Kyle: This is our shot at making it into the WWE. To be real wrestlers. [Stan and Kyle begin chanting "Omigod!" repeatedly]
Stan: Omigod! Omigod! Omigod! Omigod! Omigod! Omigod! Omigod! Omigod! Omigod! Omigod! Omigod!..
Kyle: Oh my God... Oh my God...
Token: I can't believe it's him.
Butters: I'm freaking out...
Kyle: [fans himself] Omigod! Omigod! Omigod!
Cartman: Okay guys! Guys, listen! We seriously have to focus here! We have exactly three days before the scout is here to see us wrestle. We gotta step it up and work it like never before.
Stan: Alright it's time to start the second act. Let's bring the crowd back in from intermission and then improvise some stuff for Saturday!
Scene Description: Intermission. The crowd is milling around in the front lawn, and the darkened amphitheater is visible behind the fence.
Darryl: Yeah, no I I think Congo is a great wrestler; I just think Rad Russian has his number.
Redneck 19: Yeah, but Rad Russian has a lot of abandonment issues. [a chime sounds, indicating the start of the second act]
Darryl: Uh oh, it looks like the intermission is over, better head back.
Scene Description: The amphitheater. The lights come up on Kyle in the ring, who begins to speak.
Kyle: I left my wife today. Walked out of the apartment without saying a word. I ran away from my responsibilities... just like I always do. [an elderly fan holds up a sign: "STOP RUNNING JUGGERNAUT"] And I, again, am alone. [Stan, Butters, and Token climb into the ring behind him]
Stan: Here he is, hiding in the forest as I told you. [Kyle turns to see the other three boys]
Butters: Juggernaut! There is to be an Ultimate Smackdown this Saturday! Are you going to run from that as well?
Kyle: I'll fight anytime, anywhere!
Redneck 20: He don't run from fights, just from responsibilities. [Token swings a chair into the back of Kyle's head, and Kyle falls to the floor]
Crowd: Oohhhhh! [Token begins to twist Kyle's arm] Boooooooo!
Stan: What do I do? Juggernaut is my long lost brother. [Kenny climbs into the ring as El Pollo Loco] And yet Congo saved my life in Nam. [Kenny picks up the chair and swings it into Token, and Stan turns to see him]
Announcer: It's El Pollo Loco! [a section full of Mexican fans hold up a Mexican flag and two banners: "Viva El Pollo Loco" and "Me Gusta El Pollo Loco"]
Scene Description: Sizzler, Thursday. The four boys are seated at a table.
Cartman: Thanks for coming, guys. I'm sure you're wondering why I've called you here to Sizzler.
Kyle: Yeah, what's this about? We should be writing our monologues for Smackdown.
Cartman: Well guys, Kenny and I have been talking.
Kenny: (Yeah, we've been talking.)
Cartman: And, I mean, Smackdown might be our one shot at making it into the WWE, right? I mean a shot like this might never come again.
Stan: Yeah?
Cartman: Well, the way we see it, we have three primary obstacles in making Smackdown a great show: Token, Butters, Jimmy.
Kenny: (Yep.)
Kyle: What are you talking about?
Cartman: Guys, let's face it: they can't wrestle for crap! I mean, every time I wrestle with one of them, they flub a line or blow their monologue. And Token? He has no emotion, no timing, he's the worst wrestler I've ever seen!
Stan: He's right.
Kyle: What?
Stan: Dude, it's really hard to do your best wrestling when you're up against Token.
Cartman: Right?
Stan: And Butters and Jimmy I mean, they're okay but, they're never gonna make it as professional wrestlers.
Kyle: Well, so then WWE will recruit us and not them.
Cartman: No dude, they're gonna hurt our chances.
Kenny: (They're gonna hurt our chances.)
Cartman: Because we all know that the new material I've written is stuff those guys can't handle, and we'll suffer from it!
Kyle: So what do we do?
Kenny: (We've gotta bring somebody else on.)
Cartman: Yep. We've gotta bring somebody else on who can handle the more difficult roles that we can wrestle against instead of those guys.
Stan: Somebody who can do the harder stuff we've written so that Token, Butters, and Jimmy can have smaller parts.
Kyle: How do we find somebody who can wrestle that well?
Cartman: It's simple. We just gotta hold tryouts.
Scene Description: Tryouts, later on. Syncopated music plays, similar to "All That Jazz." The four boys are seated at a table a few rows up in the amphitheater.
Cartman: Number seventeen step forward, please? [a man steps forward shielding his eyes from the glare of the spotlights] You're wrestling a Muslim immigrant. You suspect he could be a terrorist and your parents died in the 9/11 attacks. Go!
Number 17: [gets into a slight crouch] You dirty Muslim bastard! I don't trust you, and I never will! Do you know how it feels to lose your parents?! No you wouldn't, you smelly brown Middle Eastern piece of sh-
Cartman: Thank you! Number twenty-four? [another man steps forth as Number 17 returns to his place] You're wrestling for the right to marry Mackenzie Phillips, but just learned that she had sex with her father uh, go!
Number 24: Your father! Your own father! [slaps himself four times] I don't care if you were on drugs, you sick! Whore!
Cartman: Thank you. [Number 24 returns to his place]
Kyle: That guy's a pretty good wrestler.
Kenny: (Mhm.)
Stan: Yeah yeah, not bad.
Cartman: Let's see uh, can we get number thirty seven to step forward again. [Number 37 steps forward] We just wanna get to know you all a little better. What can you tell us about yourself?
Number 37: Not a whole lot to tell, really. Was born in Fort Collins, started watching wrestling when I was four years old. My father... he liked it too. Until he died. [stirring music begins to play] Sometimes I think it's 'cause of him I followed this dream. [breaks into song] All my life, all I ever wanted was to Beeeee a wrestler Fiiiiighting in the ring Winning that belt. And so I dreamed every night that I was the Uuuuundertaaker Smaaaaashing skulls in Breaking arms. But I'm so worked up. This is something I can do. Do I have what it takes inside?
Stan: Damn dude, that is some badass wrestling.
Cartman: Yeah, this guy crushes.
Scene Description: The coach's trophy room. A whole bunch of wrestling trophies and awards are shown as the camera pans to the right. The coach is seated in his armchair.
Mr. Conners: It isn't fair. All my hard work. [he's reading Saturday's Gazette, which has Vince McMahon's picture and name under the headline "Wrestling Smackdown Brings WWE President"] I'm not going to take it anymore. [he throws the paper to the floor, gets up from the chair, and walks over to a mirror.] That wrestling show is in for a big surprise. [grabs his headgear and puts it on] I'm putting an end to this once and for all! [gets into a wrestling stance] Hyaaaaa!
Scene Description: Cartman's house, Saturday night. A banner under the second-floor windows reads "ULTIMATE SMACKDOWN TONIGHT!!!" People from all over South Park gather on the front lawn. A white limo with the WWE logo emblazened on it comes to a stop in front of the house.
Kyle: [standing on a stool by the front window] He's here! Vince McMahon is here! [the other boys arrive. An assistant opens the back door and Vince steps out and surveys the front yard.]
Jimmy: Oowow, it's really him.
Stan: He's here, Ohh my God [Kyle hops off the stool and joins Stan in the chant] Omigod omigod omigod omigod omigod omigod omigod omigod omigod o-
Cartman: [preparing to dress as Irene] Alright, places everyone.
Scene Description: The backyard amphitheater. The lights go out and two spotlights light up the ring.
Cartman: [over the speakers] Welcome to this performance of Wrestling Takedown Federation: Smackdown. [An opera box has been built to accommodate McMahon. It has four seats, and an usher takes McMahon and assistant to their seats. Vince has his own personal Playbill with "WTF" on the cover]
Stan: Juggernaut? Juggernaut, hey, what's goin' on?
Kyle: You know what's goin' on. It's Smackdown tonight. Which means we might have to fight each other.
Stan: Heyhey whoa, you shouldn't be fighting anybody. What about your cancer?
Kyle: Wait a minute. Who is that?
Stan: It's Triceratops, and he's with Irene. [Coach Connors sneaks up to the side of Cartman's house with a briefcase and puts his back up against the wall]
Kyle: You aren't welcome here, Triceratops!
Cartman: My man can do whatever he wants.
Mr. Conners: Stay calm, you know what you have to do.
Cartman: You're just gonna have to deal with that.
Mr. Conners: For the good of real wrassling. [quickly moves away and out of sight]
Butters: No Irene, please! Just this once, do not abort this baby!
Cartman: My body, my rights! In fact, I'm jonesing for the rush so badly, I don't think I'll make it to the clinic.
Stan: No, you can't possibly mean that-!
Cartman: Yes! I think maybe I'll have another abortion! Right here, right now!
Crowd: Awwwww!
Kyle: There's someone here to wrestle you, Irene! A baby you aborted many years ago survived! And he's here now!
Number 37: [leaps into view in yellow tights and red boots] Mother! Why did you abort me? Why?
Redneck 21: He's alive!
Cartman: You! Get back in the trashcan where you belong!
Scene Description: The opera box.
Assistant: What do you think?
Stan: Irene, there's no way we could let you here, and I'd let you do something informal like that.
Vince: They are decent wrestlers. We'll see how they develop their through lines in the second act. [whips out some opera glasses and puts them on]
Scene Description: Under the bleachers. Coach Connors is sneaking around, occasionally going into a wrestling stance.
Jimmy: Aha! I thought I would find you here, Triceratops!
Butters: Stay out of my business Sergeant Hammerclaw! You just stay out of my way!
Guard: [catching up to the coach] Excuse me. I'm sorry, I'm afraid this area is off limits.
Butters: [after Jimmy says something] Are you sure?
Mr. Conners: Oh don't mind me. [puts down his briefcase] I was just about to- [quickly gets the guard to the ground and takes up the starting position of wrassling.]
Guard: [seems to be enjoying all the moves and grunts the coach is making] Heh whoa-ho! Heh hey! Whoawhoawhoa. Whoahoho. Eheheh. The fuck is this?
Scene Description: The backyard amphitheater. The next segment begins with the Rad Russian holding court while the other wrestlers sway to the music behind him.
Cartman: O, how I long for the spring meadows of Russia! The soft Russian sky!
Scene Description: An upper floor under the bleachers. The coach climbs up a ladder to this floor and sets his briefcase down. He opens the case and assembles the rocket-propeled grenade launcher inside it.
Stan: When are you going to face reality, Congo? Just because you were raised by panthers doesn't mean you are one!
Butters: He's closer to a panther than you'll ever be!
Jimmy: Lies! These are all a bunch of lies! [back to the ring. Kenny has a bloody baby doll under his left arm. A fake umbilical cord is attached to it] Now you listen here, El, Pollo Loco! It doesn't matter if your wife was killed, you cannot keep Irene's aborted baby!
Kenny: (I can keep the baby...)
Scene Description: The railing at the very top of the amphitheater, behind the topmost seats. The coach climbs up and over it with his RPGL.
Cartman: Just let them crawl back to Mexico Sergeant Hammerclaw. [The coach picks up the RPGL, puts it on his shoulder, and takes aim] We can't... might as well go back to your land of burritos, tacos, and take this aborted baby where it will fit in right with all the other aborted babies in Mexico!
Mr. Conners: [while Cartman speaks] Only one shot. [moves his aim from the ring to the opera box] Maximum damage. [zooms in on McMahon] This is all your fault, you WWE president asshole! Your fault we all die here. Right. Now. FOR WRASSLING! [fires the launcher and the rocket takes off. It goes towards the façade, but stops and drops harmlessly into the ring] NO! [Kenny picks it up. It comes back to life and takes off with him holding on. They go all over the place, but finally take off into the sky, where the grenade blows up and releases fireworks. Below, Mexican fans of El Pollo Loco hold up banners: "Viva El Pollo Loco" "Me Gusta El Pollo Loco"]
Fan 1: O dios mio, mataron al Pollo Loco!
Fan 2: Bastardos! [Kenny's theme music comes up as the fireworks continue coming down. Vince and his assistant stand up and applaud the performance]
Mr. Conners: [coming down the bleachers towards the ring] No! No, shut up! [steps into the ring] You idiots want wrassling?! This is wrassling! [performs some wrestling stances and grunts, but gets booed]
Redneck 22: We want some real wrestlers!
Mr. Conners: This is just a bunch of garbage! And you are all ruining the good name of wrassling! [the boos continue] Wrassling is from ancient Greece! It's in the Olympics!
Darryl: What the hell do you care?! Get off the wrestlin' mat! Boo!
Mr. Conners: Why do I care? These kids made it so real wrassling is gone from schools! It's practically gone from the culture. Damn it they took my job!
Crowd: [suddenly confused] Huh? What?
Redneck 5: They took his job.
Redneck 23: I know. Sshh. [the crowd falls silent, waiting for his next words]
Mr. Conners: You want to know pain? Pain is dedicating your entire life to a sport, to a career, and then having it all ripped away from you like a babe from its mother.
Darryl: Oh man, they took his job?
Redneck 13: They took hid-drr.
Mr. Conners: Lost everything! Couldn't even afford to pay for my... little retriever Rex anymore! Animal Control came and got him!
Redneck 24: They took his dog!
Redneck 25: They tok hid-drr!
Redneck 5: Took hid-drrr!
Mr. Conners: I ended up on the streets, stealing! Got busted by the police and had to spend the night in jail! The other inmates, they all beat me up and fractured my jaw to where I couldn't eat!
Redneck 26: They broke his jaw!
Redneck 22: Theeyy broke his jaw!
Redneck 27: Brk hij-jrr! [a rooster in a cage crows]
Mr. Conners: So you see I have nothing left. Nothing! Not even the will to live. [He closes his eyes. The crowd takes it in, applauds, then gives him a standing ovation. He opens his eyes, surprised at the reaction. Flowers begin falling at his feet, and Vince McMahon steps into the ring to approach him]
Vince: Sir, that was one of the finest wrestling performances I have ever seen.
Mr. Conners: What?
Vince: Will you not join our wrestling organization? I promise to make you our leading act.
Mr. Conners: You, you mean it?
Vince: Come! I want to get you in rehearsals right away! [leaves the ring with the coach]
Kyle: What?
Stan: Dude.
Cartman: Hey, what about us? Our show? [the coach is now grinning as the two men walk away]
Vince: Sorry boys. You are decent wrestlers, but lack the raw wrestling talent this man has.
The boys: Aaaaah.
Cartman: This is all your fault, Kyle! You screwed up the second act!
Kyle: Me?! It was your stupid-ass writing!
Jimmy: Face it: Stan's crappy singing is what sssunk us!
Stan: What?? [three fights break out in the ring: Cartman vs. Kyle, Jimmy vs. Stan, and Token vs. Butters]
Jimmy: You can s-, you can suck, suck my balls!
Stan: Don't go pointing fingers at me, Cartman! You have no idea what you're talking about, and it wasn't... [the fighting continues. The crowd gets bored of this unscripted fight]
Redneck 28: What the hell's this?
Redneck 29: This is Goddamned fake!
Darryl: Screw this, this is just stupid. [leaves his seat. Other spectators leave their seats as the boys continue to fight in the ring]
Cartman: Oh, don't start with me, Kenny!
Redneck 30: FAKE!
Cartman: Kenny! I'm-


Scene Description: Denver Aquarium, day. A group of people are wading around in a dolphin pool. Among them are the Marshes.
Chet: All right, everyone, welcome to the Dolphin Encounter here at the Denver Aquarium. [a woman behind him waves at everyone. Randy takes a picture of the trainers] My name is Chet and I'll be your guide and trainer as you meet these intelligent and truly magical creatures. [several dolphins swim in from another part of the pool] And here they come: this is Trigger and Dolly, uh there's Bubbles.
Stan: [happily] Wow cool.
Randy: Pretty neat birthday, huh Stan?
Stan: Yeah, this is gonna be awesome.
Chet: If they come near you you can touch their back just no grabbing please. What whimsical creatures aren't they? All the dolphins you will be encountering today are Atlantic bottlenose dolphins. Now who would like to get a kiss from one?
Girl: I would like to-
Randy: [barging in] MEMEME. I wanna kiss it! I wanna kiss it!
Chet: Uh all right, let's just uh, get you to put your hands, palms down, on the water. [a dolphin swims by] The- [a rumble is heard, and then gets louder]
Stan: What the hell is that? [the trainer turns around. A group of Japanese men in kimonos run towards the pool with harpoons in hand.]
Trainer 2: Oh no it's the Japanese! [The group jumps in and proceeds to stab every dolphin in there repeatedly until the dolphins bleed to death, then jumps out of the pool and runs back towards the way it came from.]
Japanese Man 1: (In Japanese Accent) Fuck youuu dofiiin!
Japanese Man 2: (In Japanese Accent) Fuck you dofiiin! [they leave behind a pool of dead dolphins and bewildered guests. The girl begins to cry.]
Scene Description: Another location. The guide here is in front of a huge tank with a thick glass wall through which sea life can be seen.
Guide: These are our favorite animals here at the Atlanta Zoo. It's Dolly and Seymour. They are beluga whales. These whales live mostly in the Arctic region- [the Japanese men strike again, making everyone else run out of the area, breaking the wall with their harpoons.]
Japanese Man 3: (In Japanese Accent) Fuck you, whaaales!
Scene Description: The Baltimore Aquarium. Some dolphins are performing tricks when the Japanese men strike a third time.
Trainer 3: All right Jessica, now put your arms out like this. [little Jessica lifts her arms out and open] Great job, Jessica!
Japanese Man 4: Fuck you, whaaale! [jumps onto the platform and harpoons the whale, then runs off without taking the harpoon]
Jessica: AAAAAAAA!
Scene Description: Stan's house, night, Stan's bedroom. He's moping on his bed. Randy peeks in to see how Stan is doing, then walks in and goes to Stan's bed.
Randy: [sigh] Hey pal. [sits by him] Sorry your birthday got a little ruined by the Japanese.
Stan: Dad, why did they do that?
Randy: Well Stan, the Japanese just... don't really like dolphins very much. Certainly not as much as us normal people do. But hey, at least you still got your T-shirt! [Stan moves his arms out of the way and looks at the shirt - a white "I swam with the dolphins" T-shirt with blood splattered on it.] And you always have your neat picture. [hands Stan the framed picture on the nightstand, which Stan opens and looks at. It's of Stan and a dead dolphin, with the caption "My New Friend!" underneath]
Scene Description: The Miami Dolphins home field, Land Shark Stadium, day.
Commentator 1: Dan Dierdorf here, welcoming you to this great football matchup between the Kansas City Chiefs and the Miami Dolphins. We're all set for kickoff and- [the Japanese men strike again]
Commentator 2: Oh Dan it looks like Japanese people are now rushing onto the field. [the Japanese men stab and kill all the Dolphin players] This is not the kind of thing you want happening during kickoff. [the Japanese men run off]
Japanese Man 5: (In Japanese Accent) Fuck you, dofiiin!
Scene Description: Channel 9 News.
News Anchor: Several whales and dolphins were again slaughtered by the Japanese today, this time at the Six Flags Discovery Kingdom near San Francisco. [a shot of the Japanese killing the dolphins there] Aquariums had been experimenting with methods to keep the Japanese out, but so far nothing seems to stop them. When asked if all of Japan supported the slaughtering of whales and dolphins, the current Prime Minister of Japan, Yukio Hatoyama, had this to say:
Hatoyama: [clears his throat] (In Japanese Accent) Fuck you weiru [gives the finger with his right hand], anda fuck you dohfiiin! [gives the finger with his left hand]
Scene Description: Cartman's house, day. Cartman is singing Lady Gaga's "Poker Face". He's at the chorus while Kenny is on a Rock Band drum set. Kyle is on a Rock Band guitar.
Cartman: Can't read my, can't read my, No he can't read my poker face. She's got to love nobody. Can't read my, can't read my, No he can't read my poker face. She's got to love nobody. Papapa poker face papa poker face. Mumumumuh. Papapa poker face papa poker face. Mumumumuh.
Stan: [as Cartman finishes the chorus] Guys... guys... [Cartman turns off the mic] Look, I really think it's time for us to do something. This is all getting way out of hand.
Cartman: What do you mean? This song is sweet.
Stan: No, not the song. I'm talking about the Japanese killing whales and dolphins.
Kyle: Dude, they've been doing that for a long time.
Stan: So? Dude, don't you guys care? We have to do something.
Kyle: What are we gonna do, Stan? It's, it's not like we can change the way an entire country thinks. I don't like it, but it's just the way they are.
Stan: It seems like everyone has an attitude of "that's just the way they are" or "that's just the way it is"! Nobody likes it, but everybody's too busy to do anything about it!
Cartman: I'm not too busy, Stan.
Stan: You're not?
Cartman: No, I just don't care. At all.
Kenny: (Yeah, me neither.)
Stan: Kenny? You don't care about whales and dolphins being slaughtered?
Cartman: [speaking into the mic] Stan, me and Kenny don't give two shits about stupid-ass whaaales!
Stan: You know, when all the whales and dolphins in the world are gone, people are gonna wish that at some point they had taken a little time to care just a little goddamn bit! [turns and walks out the front door. The boys don't move for a few seconds, then Cartman launches back into "Poker Face".]
Cartman: I wanna roll with him a hard pair we will be. I don't give a crap 'bout whales so go and hug a tree.
Scene Description: Stan's room, sometime later. He's at his desk, pissed off that Cartman and the others don't seem moved by the slaughter. Butters peeks in, then approaches Stan.
Butters: Hey Stan! I heard you were looking for people who care about the Japanese slaughterin' whales.
Stan: [lights up] Yeah. Butters, do you wanna help?
Butters: Nononono, I got stuff to do. But I wanted to tell you there's these fellers on TV. They go out in the ocean an' try to stop the Japanese wherever they are.
Stan: [turns to look at Butters] Really? [gets off his chair] People who are doing something?
Butters: I watch their show all the time. And, they take volunteers.
Stan: [determined] Then that's where I belong.
Scene Description: OP for Whale Wars, a montage of scenes from that show.
Singer: The world is a vampire, sent to drain.
Captain Paul Watson: Yeah, we're badass.
Singer: Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage.
Male Crew 1: Any means necessary! We're not protesters, we're pirates! ["Whale Wars" shows up onscreen]
Scene Description: Whale Wars. The Sea Shepherd is shown floating in the middle of the ocean. In the bridge the Shepherd's crew is gathered.
Captain: That's definitely a Japanese boat. [looks through his binoculars] Looks like they're whaling now. [sure enough, the Japanese, on the Herro Maru No. 3, are throwing harpoons at the whales. Random cries of "Gojira" come forth]
Japanese Sailor: Fuck youuu, weiruu!
First Mate: Oh my God, they're gonna kill those humpbacks!
Woman: We've gotta do something!
Captain: Pull up next to them. The fight is on!
Stan: Sweet! [the Sea Shepherd pulls up alongside the Herro Maru. The whalers gather at the railings and razz the Sea Shepherd]
Captain: [taking his crew out to the deck] Are we ready to do this?
Crew: Yeah!
Stan: Yeah. Hell yeah! Let's do it!
Captain: Are we badasses?
Crew, Stan: Yeah!
Captain: Are we badasses?
Crew, Stan: Yeah!
Captain: All right, so... what do we do? [the Japanese continue razzing them] Wait, I know. How about we go on their ship, and then beat ourselves up? And then we can tell the media they did it?
Crewman: [masked] Great idea, Captain!
Aussie Crewman: I'll start right now. [begins punching himself on the cheek]
Woman: "Oh my God, Luke's been hurt trying to save whales."
Captain: Wait, wait wait. I've got a better idea. How about I pretend to be shot? Then we can tell the media the Japanese shot me, a-and start an international c-crisis?
Stan: Whoa, wait wait, we don't wanna just lie about stuff.
Captain: Why not?
Stan: Well, 'cause then we're just douchebags, dude. Come on, they're right here. Let, let's get hardcore!
Captain: You know what? He's right. It's time to bring out the big guns! You guys ready? [the crewmen hold up sticks of something...] Ready? And... throw the stinky butter at them! [they throw the sticks at the Herro Maru and hit it, leaving blotches in various places. One explodes next to two sailors, who just look at the mess it leaves]
Luke: Haha, you stink now! Haha!
Stan: Wait, that's it?
Captain: Yeah, we make 'em stink. Haha your boat is stinky! Here, th- here, throw one.
Stan: Those guys are always covered in dolphin and whale guts. They don't care if they stink. Come on, let's break their boat.
Captain: Well no, that'd be illegal.
Crewman 2: Yeah.
Stan: [can't believe how toothless their threats are] I thought you guys were pirates in a war!
Woman: I'm a pirate in a war.
Stan: Pirates don't worry about the law! You guys said you were badasses!
Captain: We are. People think our methods are extreme. But we'll keep making their boats stink as long as they're killing whales and dolphins!
Luke: The Japanese are scared of how hardcore we are. [a Japanese gunner prepares a large harpoon in a cannon and fires it off. It strikes the Shepherd's captain's head, goes through it, and pins him on the wall, killing him instantly. Blood comes out everywhere]
Woman: Paul! [the Japanese sailors cheer this small victory]
Crewman: Paul?
Crewman 2: What do we do?
Woman: We don't have a captain!
Crewman: Oh my God, oh my God!
Woman 2: [masked] Maybe he's okay.
Scene Description: Stan turns and goes towards a utility box. He opens it, rifles through it and finds a flare gun. He takes it, goes to the railing, and fires a flare at the Herro Maru. It finds the fuel storage area, lights up, and soon the barrels and boxes in that area begin to burn and explode. The Japanese try to put out the fire, but it's no use.
Crewman 2: Oh my God.
Luke: What did you do?
Stan: What you assholes acted like you were doing? [cries of "ikaban" come from the Herro Maru as it slowly sinks in the ocean and Japanese sailors jump off the ship]
Scene Description: Montage as Cartman sings "Poker Face". An Entertainment Weekly cover with Captain Stan on it and the lead story "'Whale Wars' Gets Better. Things Actually Happen Now." The crewmen are now throwing Molotov cocktails at the ships, and the Japanese run for cover. Next, Stan steers the Sea Shepherd. Next, Stan is shown with a large new cannon, having just fired a grenade at a whaling ship with it. The crew dances with joy. Next, a Variety cover with the new captain and the headline, "Whale Wars Ratings Skyrocket. New Captain Not A Fat Liar Like The Old One." Next, Stan leads the crew as they act as a volunteer security force at aquariums across the country. Next, a People cover with Captain Stan and his crew, and the cover story, "WHALE WARS New Cast Member Turns Vegan Pussies Into Actual Pirates. 19-page exclusive article." Finally, Stan and crew stand before a covered statue at Sea World. The Japanese head their way to get into the park.
Stan: Wait for it... wait for it... NOW! [the crew pulls at the ropes, and the covers comes off the statue - it's Godzilla.]
The Japanese: Ohhhh Gojira! Gojira! [they turn and run away]
Scene Description: Someone is reading a newspaper, the World News, on which is the headline "LITTLE BOY SINKS ANOTHER JAPANESE BOAT!" and a picture of Stan on the Sea Shepherd pointing at another sinking Japanese ship.
Hatoyama: Nippon no gaijin! ["Stranger to Japan!" He looks at the paper again] Kuso, taberu na! ["Eat shit!" Crumples up the paper and throws it down.]
Scene Description: Larry King Live.
Announcer: And now, Larry King, live.
Larry King: My guest tonight is the little boy who took over the Whale Wars reality show and turned it into a big hit. Please welcome Stan Marsh and his crew.
Luke: 'Ey Jordan! I'm on Larry King, mate!
Larry King: So Stan, what motivated you, what... inspired you to get out there and make a hit TV show?
Stan: No I, I don't really care about the TV show, I'm just trying to stop the Japanese from killing dolphins and whales.
Larry King: Once you became captain the methods used to stop the Japanese definitely became more aggressive. Was that the key to help boost your ratings?
Stan: ...No, I don't care about the show.
Woman 2: We're pirates.
Stan: I just want people to know that you can stop the Japanese if you have some real goddamned balls!
Woman 2: I've got balls! [Stan looks at her a bit annoyed]
Larry King: Well there are many people who see what you're doing as a positive thing, and of course, many that see problems with it. Joining us now is one of those people and... [goes into split screen, with another guest speaking via satellite] You say Stan's methods are unethical.
Sid: Larry, you can't just go out and take matters into your own hands like this. If you want a hit TV show you have to go through producers, directors, people that are in unions.
Larry King: But Sid, you saw the show before Stan took it over; you have to admit that it was nothing but incompetent vegan pussies doing absolutely nothing and trying to turn it into drama.
Sid: Yes, but it doesn't justify changing the entire show structure that their old captain had pitched to the network.
Stan: Can we please just talk about the actual whaling problem for a second?!
Larry King: But their old captain, Paul Watson [a real-life photo of him is shown], was an unorganized incompetent media whore who thought lying to everyone was okay as long as it served his cause.
Sid: He yes, of course, everyone knows that Paul Watson was a smug, narcoleptic liar with no credibility, but we must-
Stan: Screw this, I gotta get back to work!
Scene Description: The rechristened Real Whale Wars.
Announcer: On this episode of Real Actual Whale Wars, Captain Marsh searches for the Japanese fleet, knowing they could be absolutely anywhere. [Stan is shown on the bridge planning their next move with Crewman 2]
Stan: Would you mind stepping back a little?
Luke: Captain! Captain, some new volunteers showed up to help us in our crusade! [the cameraman and boom mic operator take a few steps back]
Stan: No- Dude, we really can't take any more volunteers.
Luke: But they say you know them. [Cartman and Kenny walk through the door]
Cartman: Ahall right dude, this is pretty sweet! [his sweater has "SAVE THE WHALES" on it, while Kenny's parka now has "DOLPHIN LOVER" on it].
Stan: Oh no, no, NO.
Cartman: What dude?
Stan: Oh what? So now that I have a hit TV show you guys care about dolphins and whales?
Cartman: We always have.
Kenny: (Yeah, totally!)
Stan: I asked you guys to help me and you said no!
Cartman: That's not what we said.
Stan: You said "Stan, me and Kenny don't give two shits about stupid-ass whales!"
Cartman: We were talking about Wales the country.
Stan: Look, if you admit that you're only doing this because you wanna be on TV, then I'll consider it! Admit you just wanna be on TV!
Kenny: (I just want to be on TV.)
Cartman: [under his breath] Kenny! [to Stan] I deserve to be on TV.
Crewman 2: Captain! Captain, the Japanese have been spotted near buoy 24!
Stan: Take us out of port! All hands to stations!
Cartman: [popping up in front of the camera] All right! Let's go save those whales, you guys! [grins and pumps a fist]
Announcer: [an aerial view of the Sea Shepherd is shown] Captain Marsh races his boat to the last known location of the Japanese whalers. If he doesn't get there in time, hundreds of dolphins or whales could die.
Stan: As soon as we get there, we've gotta deploy the tracking device! We can't let those whales get hurt! [the Sea Shepherd lurches all of a sudden.]
Crewman 2: What the hell was that?!
Crewman 3: We just got rammed.
Stan: Oh the Japanese wanna play that way, huh?!
Crewman 4: It's not the Japanese.
Stan: What? [goes outside with the crew]
Announcer: On deck the crew is surprised at what they see. The other boat is from Deadliest Catch, a crab-fishing reality show.
DC Captain: You think you're so cool, don'tcha?! You think you're big boat reality show on the block?! [goes to a cage and pulls out a crab from it] You're taking away men's livelihoods!
Stan: What? Dude, we're trying to get to some whales.
DC Captain: You're taking viewers away from our show, you stupid ass!
Cartman: Your show is fuckin' gay, dude!
DC Crewman: Your show is fuckin' gay!
Stan: Screw this! Turn hard to port! [takes the wheel and starts turning left]
Announcer: But everywhere his reality show's boat turns, the crab fishing reality boat blocks its path. [the crab boat, being smaller and faster, blocks the Sea Shepherd's path quickly]
Stan: Dude, fuck you!
DC Captain: Fuck you!
Announcer: It's been three hours and the crab fishing reality show isn't budging. [Stan is in the captain's quarters, sitting behind a desk, his face buried in his arms] Captain Marsh's boat is dead in the water. He can't go after the Japanese, he can't help the whales or dolphins. Once again on Whale Wars, nothing is happening.
Crewman 3: [name: Benjamin Potts] It's pretty difficult times because uh, we know that every minute we're sitting here stopped, a, another whale is dying.
Cartman: [gets emotional] Really tough, you know. It's... really hard. It's like [sniff], we've dedicated all this time and all our lives to saving these majestic creatures.
Kenny: (And they're all shot.) [cries]
Cartman: Shhh, Kenny... [the camera zooms in on Kenny, who's got his face in his hands] Old Ken is taking it especially hard. He's always loved dolphins so much that he- [flashes an angry look at the camera] Yeah yeah but, but keep it in a two-shot, though. [The camera pulls back to its previous position] Yeah, keep it there. [Cartman resumes his tale] He's always loved dolphins so much that he would do anything.
Kenny: (I would do anything!) [puts his face back in his hands and cries.]
Announcer: The crab-fishing reality show is doing just fine. [the crewmen celebrate another great catch.]
DC Crew: Yeah! Woohoo! Alright! [Stan is again shown in the captain's quarters, his face still buried in his arms on the desk]
Announcer: But for the Whale Wars crew, it appears the show is over. Until... a sound is heard. [whale sounds. Stan lifts his head up]
Stan: What was that? [moments later the crew goes on deck. Stan is with them]
Benjamin: Captain, look!
The Crew: Wow. Whoa. [before them are a bunch of whales. One of them rams the crab fishing reality show boat]
Woman 2: The whales are taking out the crab fisherman reality show!
Stan: It's like... they know. [two whales latch onto buoys at either end of a net and begin to haul away the crab fishing boat.]
DC Crewmen: Hey. Heeey. Noo! Stop! [the Sea Shepherd crew begin to cheer and jump for joy]
Stan: They do know. They know everything I've been trying to do for them.
Cartman: Our gentle friends of the sea have saved the day. Because they know that only we can save them from the Japanese. [small plane engines are now heard. Cartman, Stan, and the others begin to look around]
Japanese Pilot: Bonzaaaaaaaai! [flies his plane right into a whale and blows up]
Stan: Jesus Christ! [Everyone looks around as more planes come in and take out the whales surrounding the boat. Two whales take a dive to deeper water, but two planes follow them under and blow up. The whales' corpses float up onto the water's surface.] We've gotta get something to shoot 'em with!
Woman 2: Look out! [four Japanes planes crash into the boat and blow it and themselves up. Once the smoke clears, the ocean is shown, filled with debris and carcasses. The crew of the Sea Shepherd is dead... Except for Cartman, Stan, and Kenny, who swim towards a piece of wood.]
Stan: [catching his breath] I, I can't, I can't believe it.
Cartman: Dude, you know what? Japanese people really do not like whales. [the Japanese boats pulls up to the boys' location and stops.] Uh oh.
Scene Description: Tokyo, day. The boys are in a prison cell. Cartman brings out a harmonica and starts playing it.
Cartman: Well I'm in Japanese prison Lawd Japanese prison got me down Said I'm in Japanese prison Lawd Don't belong here, my eyes are round.
Stan: Will you stop that?
Cartman: Oh, I'm sorry. Am I making things uncomfortable for you Stan? It's your fault me and Kenny are in this mess!
Stan: Things are bad enough without you being a smartass! There's whales out there being slaughtered right now and I can't do anything about it, so just keep quiet!
Cartman: You don't have a TV show anymore, Captain, so you can just suck my Japanese-imprisoned balls! [goes back to his song. Stan goes to the cell door and looks out] I'm in a Japanese prison Lawd. Japanese balls got me down. [a door opens somewhere and two prison guards walk towards the boys' cell]
Guard: Itte kure 'Akihito-sama irashaimasu!' ["... 'Welcome, Lord Akihito'!" The boys, not knowing Japanese, say nothing. The guards bow to the emperor]
Emperor Akihito: So, you are the ones who have been-a sinking our boats!
Stan: You speak English.
Emperor Akihito: You have caused us many problems, set us back many months!
Cartman: Sir, we actually don't give two shits about you killing whales. Can we go?
Kenny: (Yeah, can we go?)
Emperor Akihito: [steps closer to the door] Why have you done this? Why do you insist on-a making trouble for the Japanese?!
Stan: Why do you do what you do?! Do you know that ninety eight percent of the world is against whaling?! Why can't you just stop?!
Emperor Akihito: [turns his back on the boys] You think you have the right to tell us what is okay?! I have-a something to show you!
Scene Description: The Hiroshima Peace Memorial, day. Emperor Akihito takes the boys on a tour of the memorial.
Emperor Akihito: This is Hiroshima. Over fifty years ago this entire city was-a destroyed by nuclear bomb. We built this museum so that we never forget what-a happened. [Cartman yawns, Stan punches him on the right shoulder]
Cartman: What dude?
Scene Description: Inside the Memorial.
Emperor Akihito: At-a 8:15 a.m. the people of Hiroshima were just minding their own business when out of nowhere a frash devastated them all. [an atomic bomb is detonated] Women and children who died in the frash simply evaporated. [footage of bomb victims appears] Those reft arrive suffered the worst pain of all. Burns, radiation poisoning. For generations the radiation affected the victims. Japanese babies born without rimbs. Without eyes! [Cartman snickers. The emperor turns, folds his arms over his chest, and glares at him]
Cartman: Sorry. [clears his throat.] A little gassy. 'Scuse me.
Emperor Akihito: One hundred and forty thousand Japanese were killed by atom bomb. We have never recovered from the memory of that day. It is impossible for a nation to ever forgive an act so horrible. This-a picture shows the prane that dropped the bomb. [shows it to the boys] It was called the Enora Gay. And it was frown by the monsters who dropped the bomb that day. Dohfin, and Weiru! [the pilots are shown to be a dolphin and a whale. The emperor shakes with anger]
Stan: Ummm, where did you get that picture?
Emperor Akihito: The Americans were nice enough to give it to us the day after the bombing. We were so-a thankful for the picture that the next day we ended our war with America. We will never forgive, never rest until they are all wiped out! Fuck you. Fuck you dohfin and-a weiru!
Cartman: So that's what this has all been about?
Stan: Dude, it wasn't actually and dolphin and a whale who bombed Hiroshima. It was the-
Cartman: Zzzzt zzzzsssht! [whispers aloud] Dude, they won't rest until whoever is responsible is completely wiped out.
Stan: Oh, right. Look, I... I think I can make everything okay here. Can I just use a phone?
Scene Description: Kyle's bedroom. He's working at his computer when the phone rings. He picks up his cell phone and answers.
Kyle: Hello? Stan?
Stan: Dude, are you sitting at your computer? I need you to do something for me.
Scene Description: At the Prime Minister's office, later.
Stan: Mister Prime Minister, Japanese officials, there's something you need to know. The photo you were given of the Enola Gay was doctored. Because the real bombers feared retaliation so badly that they... simply pointed the finger at somebody else. My government has authorized me to give you the original photo, unaltered, so you can finally know the truth. [pulls out a manila envelope and walks to the Prime Minister's desk] Dolphins and whales were just framed by the real bombers. [hands the envelope to the Prime Minister, who opens it and pulls out the "unaltered" photo. The Prime Minister and the officials crowd in to look at the photo.] A chicken and a cow.
Emperor Akihito: Chicken and-a cow? Chicken and-a cow?!
Hatoyama: Chicken and cow use poor dohfin and weiru as-a scapegoat?! This is outrage! [pounds his desk]
Scene Description: A cow pasture. Cows go about grazing, minding their own business, when the Japanese return to the U.S., only now they're killing cows.
The Japanese: Fuck you cows!
Scene Description: A chicken coop. The Japanese converge on it and kill the chickens inside.
The Japanese: Teikara chickens!
Randy: [watches all this with Stan] Great job, son. Now the Japanese are normal, like us.