Scene Description: A new building - South Park Bank Savings and Loans. A line of customers waits to advance. Stan and Randy are at the head of the line.
Stan: Do I really have to do this, Dad?
Randy: Stan, now more than ever you need to understand the importance of saving money.
Stan: But Grandma said I could use this money to buy whatever I want.
Benny: Okay, next please.
Randy: Go on, Stanley. [Stan walks up to Benny's desk and takes a seat.]
Benny: How can I help you, young man?
Stan: I got a hundred dollar check from my grandma, and my dad said I need to put it in the bank so it can grow over the years.
Benny: Well that's fantastic, a really smart decision, young man. We can put that check in a Money Market Mutual Fund, then we'll reinvest the earnings into foreign currency accounts with compounding interest aaand it's gone. [they look at each other for a long time]
Stan: Uh, what?
Benny: It's gone. It's all gone.
Stan: What's all gone?
Benny: The money in your account - it didn't do too well, it's gone.
Stan: What do you mean? I have a hundred dollars.
Benny: Not anymore you don't. POOF.
Stan: Well, what can I do to get back my money-?
Benny: I'm sorry sir, but this line is for bank members only.
Stan: I just opened an account.
Benny: Do you have any money invested in this bank?
Stan: No, you just lost it all!
Benny: Then please stand aside for people who actually have money with us. Next please. [an elderly woman steps up and bumps Stan out of the chair.]
Stan: Hey!
Benny: Hello Mrs. Farnickle, how are you today? Making a deposit are we? Great, we can just put that into your retirement account and make it go to work for you aaaaand it's gone.
Mrs. Farnickle: What?
Benny: Sorry, yeah, that's gone. Please step aside for people who actually have money with the bank. Next please.
Stan: Dad!
Randy: Hey I'm trying to teach my son the importance of savings. You already lost his money?
Benny: Oh, Mr. Marsh, don't worry. We can just transfer money from your account into a portfolio with your son's- aaand it's gone! This line is for people who have money with the bank only. Please step aside! [both Randy and Stan are dumbstruck.]
Scene Description: Breaking news. A 9 News Special Report graphic appears.
Announcer: This is a 9 News Special Report. RECESSION: A NATION IN PERIL.
Anchor: An economic crisis has hit South Park and the nation like never before. Another South Park bank has closed down, leaving thousands of people in debt.
Mr. Garrison: [in front of a convenience store] It's just crazy, you know? Ev-everyone's affected by it. It's like all the money just... vanished.
Stephen: [in front of the Stotch home] It's really terrifying. We... we've got no money to pay our mortgage now. We could very easily lose our house!
Butters: [waves to the camera, but his face is blocked by the 9 News logo] Hi, Grandma!
Darryl Weathers: First the money started goin', and now everyone's gettin' laid off work! They took arrr jawbs!
Worker 1: They took our jobs!
Worker 2: [shrieking] Derk er derrrrrr!
Worker 3: Deeekerrdrrr!
Worker 4: Deeerkerrrrrrdrrrr!
Anchor: Just how far will the economy fall? We asked economic reporter Dan Banks for his assessment. [a shot of Dan, who raises a gun to his head and fires, shooting his brains out and falling out of view.] We'll have the rest of Dan's interview tonight at 10.
Scene Description: The Marsh house, dinnertime. Sharon walks in with the simplest dinner: hot dogs and sliced tomatoes. Everyone has a glass of water or soda, Randy has a margarita glass.
Sharon: All right everyone, eat up. [takes her seat]
Randy: Aw Jesus Christ! Sliced hot dogs and tomato slices?!
Sharon: You said we had to be careful with our money. I've got nothing for a food budget.
Stan: Mom, Dad, how come there's suddenly no money?
Randy: [grabs a hot dog from the platter] I'll tell you what happened, son. See, there's a bunch of idiots out there who weren't happy with what they had. [slaps the hot dog onto his own plate] They wanted a bigger house and materialistic things that they didn't even need- [grabs his margarita glass and rises from the table] people with no money who got loans to buy frivolous things they had no business buying. [walks over to a Margaritaville margarita blender and loads it with ice. A margarita mix is already in place in the blender] And these assholes just blindly started buying any stupid thing that looked appealing, [puts the ice scooper back into the ice bucket] 'cause they thought money was endless! [starts up the blender, which drowns out whatever he says for the next nine seconds] It goes back to when the government had the idea that everyone in America deserves to own a house. So we have people having a hard time paying their loans, [the blender stops] meaning less money coming in. [serves himself a margarita and places the blender back on its base] And the idiots couldn't see that by doing all this frivolous spending they were mocking the Economy. And they made the Economy very angry. [goes back to his seat with his margarita] We're all feeling the Economy's vengeance because of materialistic heathens who did stupid things with their money! Do you understand, son? [sips from his margarita glass]
Stan: Yeah, I think I get it.
Scene Description: The South Park Mall, day. Anyone who has something to say about the economy is preaching to the crowd gathered there.
Orator 1: And so why is our economy failing us? Because the government kept interest rates too low for too long! The government took our economy for granted and now we are all here paying the price! How long will we sit and watch our economy fall... As the people we must...
Orator 2: ...An angel came to me and so I say to you: Do not listen to the Wall Street brokers! For they are the ones that put us in this situation! Fat cats with corporate greed! They are the ones who knowingly drove us down this pathway of doom! Our responsibility is...
Cartman: And where has all the money gone? It must have gone somewhere! The answer is obvious, my friends! It is the Jews! Covetous Jews who have taken all our money and hoarded it for themselves! Hidden all the cash in some... secret Jew cave that they built, probably back in the early 60s! It is the Jews, my friends, who are oft...
Randy: [dressed in a drab green toga] There are different people casting all different kinds of blame from person to person. But the fault lies in all of you! [starts pointing at random people] YOU, who bought that three hundred thousand dollar house when you only had twenty thousand to put down? YOU, who bought that third car, even though only two people in your home drive! It is time to stop pointing fingers! [speeds up his rate of pointing] Finger pointing gets us nowhere, Steve! We have mocked our Economy. And now the Economy has cast its vengeance upon us all!
Man 1: He's right.
Man 2: This is the first guy to actually make sense. [more people are attracted to Randy's preaching]
Randy: Yea, it is an angry and unforgiving Economy. To repent we must stop frivolous spending! Instead of paying for cable let us watch clouds! Instead of buying clothes, wear but sheets from thine beds! Cut spending to only the bare essentials! Water and bread and margaritas, yea. [everyone applauds softly]
Scene Description: Sur la Table, day. Stan walks in with the Margaritaville and heads to the counter.
Clerk: Hello young man, welcome to Sur la Tahbluh. Can I help you?
Stan: Yeah, I wanna return this Margaritaville my stupid dad bought.
Clerk: Oh, that's all we get anymore, returns. Could you please just put the receipt here on this tahbluh. [Stan tries to put the receipt onto the counter, but the large Margaritaville gets in the way. Stan then just reaches up and the clerk takes the receipt] Sorry, our computers are a little slow today. We need a new Ethernet cahbluh. Oh, I'm sorry, sir, I'd like to give you a refund but I'm afraid it's not doahbluh.
Stan: What?
Clerk: I said I'm not ahbluh, sir. You see, this Margaritaville was purchased with a payment plan?
Stan: So?
Clerk: Well an outside financing company handles those payment plans. Customers just pay for some of the machine and the finance company pays for the rest.
Stan: Well can't I just return it and get the money my dad put in back?
Clerk: [rests his head on his left hand] Hm... that's improbahbluh, [raises his left hand] but not impossibluh. I'm not really sure how it works; you'll, you'll have to speak with the people at the top. I can give you the finance company's address if that... agreeahbluh with you. [Stan just looks at him]
Scene Description: South Park Mall exterior, just after sunset. Randy is on a table pacing back and forth, again dressed in a toga.
Randy: We have become lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of the Economy! There are those who will say that the Economy has forsaken us! Nay! You have forsaken the Economy!! And now you know the Economy's wrath! O thoust can shop at a sporting goods store, but knowest thou that the Economy will take away thy Broncos' cap from thine head! [a shot of the Stotches in togas] Mock the Economy without fear! Thine own stockbrokers... now lie dead by their own hand and thou knowest that thy stockbrokers did not fear the Economy! Well here we are, my friends! You have brought the Economy's vengeance upon yourselves!
Gerald: What can we do, Randy?
Man 3: Yes tell us.
Man 4: Tell us.
Man 5: Tell us what to do.
Man 6: Tell us, Randy, what we should do!
Man 7: What should we do, Randy?!
Randy: We must all wear sheets instead of buying clothes that need detergent! Instead of cars that take gasoline we can... get around on llamas from Drake's farm! Instead of video games that take batteries and software, our kids will play with squirrels! We must let the Economy know that we are capable of respecting it! No more needless spending! [everyone begins to cheer] The Economy is our shepherd. We shall not want. [stretches out his arms as the audience cheers him on.]
Scene Description: South Park, sometime later. Everyone is wearing blankets instead of clothes, in the forms of togas and cloaks. People have begun to ride llamas, carry stuff in wooden boxes, and leave bales of hay around for the llamas and oxen. Businesses all along the street have shuttered their doors and windows and gone out of business. It's a much simpler way of living.
Al: [on a llama] Mornin' Ted.
Ted: [shoveling snow off his walkway] Mornin' Al.
Scene Description: At a park nearby, the boys sit on rocky surfaces dressed in togas and being bored. Butters tries to fish for squirrels, but none of the squirrels are biting.
Kyle: Well this sucks!
Clyde: Sure was better when our parents were buyin' us stuff.
Cartman: [arrives and sighs] Hengh! [the squirrels run off] Of all the times for people to decide to stop buying things, it had to be the week that Grand Theft Auto 4 comes out for Nintendo DS! [stomps his left foot down] Hengh!
Kyle: You want something new every week, fatass.
Cartman: [leaps towards him] Don't you fraternize me! This is all your fault, you know!
Kyle: My fault?
Cartman: The Jews took all the money away, and they ha-!
Kyle: [jumps off his rocky perch and faces Cartman] Don't even start! Don't even start, Cartman!
Butters: Well, [Kyle looks back at him] why are we wearin' bedsheets and playing with squirrels, Kyle?
Kyle: Not because of the Jews, Butters! Who told you that?
Butters: Well Eric did. [Kyle glares at Cartman again]
Cartman: Just tell us where the cave is, Kyle.
Kyle: Now look! The reason we're in this situation is because people are being stupid! The economy isn't some vengeful being that takes things away from us. The economy is just made up of people, and people have just lost their faith in it. [the other boys now pay attention to Kyle. Two men watch Kyle from afar.] What people really should be doing is spending more. Spending is fine. People should just go out and shop. They should buy the things they need for their friends and family.
Man 8: We best speak with the Council, and tell them... a young Jew is speaking heresy towards the Economy.
Scene Description: Big Orange Finance Company, day. Stan reaches its glass doors and pushes his way in backwards, then turns around and walks up to the receptionist's desk.
Receptionist: Can I help you?
Stan: I wanna return this Margaritaville.
Receptionist: O-kay, let me send you into Josh. [next shot is of Josh dipping his finger into a little can of Carmex and spreading it on his lips]
Josh: Heeey, welcome to Big Orange Finance Company, yeah. Have a seat. You want some Carmex?
Stan: No thanks. I wanna return this Margaritaville, and the guy at Sur la Table said that you were the company that financed it.
Josh: Oh yeah no, you know what? No, yeah.
Stan: What?
Josh: Yeah, we can't give you your money back for that, yeah, no. You'd have to talk to the people on Wall Street, yeah, mmmm.
Stan: Wall Street?
Josh: Yeah, no, see, what I do is find Americans who want a frozen beverage machine but can't afford one, and I hook them up with investors who want to get into the margarita bill payment plan business, yeah.
Stan: So?
Josh: Yeah, so the problem is your Margaritaville payment plan has been combined with thousands of others into one big Margaritaville security, yeah, no. Yeah. No. Yeah... [Stan sighs in frustration]
Scene Description: Park County Community Center, day. Llamas wait in the parking lot with hay bales near them as toga-clad adults walk towards the center's doors. Inside, a council of nine sits in the dark. Six candles give light to two tables. Randy sits on a throne.
Stephen: The entire town has given over to your ways, Mr. Chairman. Everyone has even stopped using electricity so as to stop paying electrical bills.
Father Maxi: You've really done an amazing thing, Mr. Marsh. People have learned to hold on to their money so as not to feel the sting of the Economy's mighty sword.
Randy: I am pretty smart, yea. But I have assembled this economic committee to make sure that everyone sticks to my new plan.
Skeeter: We've got guards posted at the mall to make sure nobody gets tempted to buy dumb stuff. And, uh, Pat Sallsman is doin' house checks to make sure nobody is ordering anything stupid online.
Randy: Then perhaps soon our Economy will return to us.
Man 9: Council, I bring news of discord! A young Jew was in the town square speaking blasphemy about the Economy!
Randy: What?!
Man 9: He was saying that... your ideas are false and the Economy is not vengeful. He was rallying people to spend more!
Father Maxi: Spend more?! What mockery is this?!
Randy: Relax, Father Maxi. What harm can one Jew do against our... economic recovery movement?
Scene Description: The same park as before. The squirrels are back, Cartman joins the other boys on the rocks, resting against one.
Cartman: I had a dream last night. I was in a field, and I had Grand Theft Auto: Chinatown Wars right next to me. But then the sky went black and ...Grand Theft Auto: Chinatown Wars just... melted in my hand. [begins to sob, and a rowdy crowd approaches from the right]
Kyle: What's that? [a crowd of men runs past them, snatching up squirrels on the way]
Man 10: 'Scuse me, we need to borrow your squirrels.
Kyle: What? [the boys stand and follow the men]
Mr. Garrison: Now please, please! [holds his arms up in self-defense]
Man 10: You have sinned!
Mr. Garrison: Oh Jesus, I'm sorry. Please.
Kyle: What's going on?
Man 10: Garrison, you have brought your filth to this town for the last time!
Kyle: What did he do?
Man 11: Your teacher was caught buying a KitchenAid Stand Mixer at Bed Bath & Beyond!
Man 10: Take that punishment, heathen! [the crowd begins stoning Garrison with squirrels]
Kyle: [steps in between Garrison and the crowd] Hey! Hey, stop it! Stop!
Man 10: Move aside, kid! He must pay for his stand mixer.
Kyle: Come on, this is ridiculous!
Man 10: What's ridiculous about hucking squirrels at a man who has angered the Economy?!
Kyle: Ju-just have a little compassion, huh? I mean, everyone's gone out and bought something stupid. It's not so bad. Whichever of you guys has never bought anything frivolous, go ahead and huck the next squirrel. [a man behind Principal Victoria moves and hucks a squirrel at Garrison]
Mr. Garrison: Oh. [the crowd gets rowdy again]
Scene Description: Wall Street, the New York Stock Exchange. It's a busy day. Stan walks into view from the left.
Stan: 'Scuse me. 'Scuse me! I'd like to return this Margaritaville, please?
Stockbroker: Margaritaville?
Stan: My dad bought it on a payment plan that was set up by a finance company which got their principal investors from somebody here.
Stockbroker: Oh, that makes sense.
Stan: It does?
Stockbroker: You see, son, we lump thousands of these Margaritaville installment plans together into Margaritaville-based securities, then chop those securities up in a way that we could sell them to banks.
Stan: So I can return it to a bank?
Stockbroker: Nope, because a bunch of people like you are defaulting on their Margaritavilles so the government had to buy the Margaritaville assets from the banks.
Stan: What?!
Stockbroker: Just talk to the Treasury Department in DC. They're the ones who really understand how all this works. [notices some activity on his stocks] Oh, sell sell sell sell sell sell sell!
Stan: Aargh! [walks off with the Margaritaville]
Scene Description: In a meadow near town, day. Kyle has his own Sermon on the Mount.
Kyle: Listen, this is all you need to know: the economy is not a supernatural all-knowing entity. The economy is just an idea, made up by people, thousands of years ago. The economy is not real. And yet, it is real. Nowadays they'll give credit cards to practically anyone who applies for them. [pulls out an envelope] I applied for this yesterday to prove a point. It is an American Express Platinum card. [from Kyle's position, one can see hundreds of people listening to him] It has no spending limit. [cries of shock rise from the crowd] Do not be afraid! This is only plastic. It's just something made up by people. Truly meaningless until we put our faith in it. Faith is what makes an economy exist. Without faith, it is only plastic cards and paper money.
Scene Description: Park County Community Center. The economic recovery movement council is meeting again.
Man 11: By all reports, the young Jew is not letting up! He is still going around convincing people to have faith in the Economy by shopping!
Randy: We've done everything we can and yet the Economy has not improved. Worse, it has declined! Poor Bart here just lost his job at Little Caesar's Pizza. Our tireless work is obviously being undermined by this one Jew. Why does he go around pretending to know the true will of the Economy?
Stephen: Perhaps... he is the Economy's only Son, sent to save us.
Father Maxi: Are you retarded, Stotch?! The Economy is omnipotent! Which means it can do anything! So saying it would be limited to one Son is fucking stupid!
Randy: That is stupid, yea. And going around telling people to shop... is dangerous!
Man 12: Well then, there's only one option: we have to kill the Jew.
Father Maxi: Yep, I think we gotta kill the Jew.
Skeeter: I don't know... He's got a lot of support. It might be hard to even catch this Jew. [a screeching sound is heard. A hand is seen going down a blackboard. and it belongs to Cartman]
Cartman: Did somebody say "catch a Jew"? The person you're after might be hard to get, but I can bring him to you. And all I want in return... is Grand Theft Auto: Chinatown Wars for handheld Nintendo DS.
Scene Description: The U.S. Treasury Department, day. The camera pans down from the top of the building to street level, and shows Stan walking past a statue with the Margaritaville. Stan then goes up the steps and through the domed atrium. Three men gather in front of him and face him. He stops and drops the Margaritaville to the floor.
Treasurer 1: Uhh, how can we help you, young man?
Stan: I want to return this Margaritaville! My dad bought it on a payment plan set up by a finance company that got investors from Wall Street who combined it into securities sold to the banks who transferred it to you!
Treasurer 1: Ohhh that makes sense.
Stan: Nnnaaargh!
Treasurer 1: No problem. We just need to consult the chart. We can determine your property's value and we'll be done.
Stan: [surprised] Really? [puts his hands together] Thank you.
Treasurer 1: Be right back. [they go into a room through the heavy double doors behind them and close the doors. A squawk is heard, then a cleaver and the sound of blood spurting out. Stan is startled. The men come back out through the doors with streaks of blood on them.]
Treasurer 2: Excellent news, sir. We've determined the investment value of your Margaritaville to be... ninety trillion dollars.
Stan: What?!
Scene Description: Whistlin' Willy's Pizza Gultch. Many of the boys are inside in the dark, seated at a long table reminiscent of The Last Supper. From left to right are Craig, Timmy, Jason, Cartman, Token, Kyle, Jimmy, Butters, Kenny, Tweek, Ike, and Clyde, all munching on slices of pizza. Some breadsticks are in a basket.
Jimmy: Hey, what's the matter, Kyle? You seem b-b-bu-bbbummed out.
Kyle: I just have a feeling this might be the last time we get to do this.
Butters: Well don't worry Kyle. We're not gonna let people kill you. We'll keep you hidden forever!
Kyle: I can't just hide my whole life, Butters. And besides, I have this strange feeling that one of you is gonna totally betray me. [the other boys gasp and look at Kyle. Tweek and Ike look at Clyde]
Cartman: [stands up in his seat] All right, whoever is thinkin' of betraying Kyle, that is not cool! [checks for a reaction] That's freaking lame, dude! Kyle is trying to get the economy goin' again! If somebody is thinking of stabbing him in the back, you're b-you're being a dick! [clears his throat and sits down] Go ahead, Kyle.
Kyle: [looks at Cartman for a few seconds, then enunciates] Whoever it might happen to be, I'm not giving him the opportunity. Tomorrow I'm going to do something. Something I've known I would have to do restore people's faith.
Jimmy: Kyle please! For fu-fu for for-fu-fuck's sake, don't do anything drastic.
Kyle: There's no choice anymore, guys. Don't worry about me. I've been preparing for this for a while now. [looks down at his plate]
Scene Description: The U.S. Treasury Department, day. Stan is still trying to figure things out with Treasury.
Stan: Nononono excuse me! I don't understand! How can this stupid thing be worth ninety trillion dollars?!
Treasurer 1: What, you think it's worth more?
Stan: No, dude, that doesn't make sense!
Treasurer 2: Well, you don't get ninety trillion dollars, but the chart says that's what it's worth.
Treasurer 3: [runs up to the other two treasurers] Uh oh, problem! Problem again!
Treasurer 2: What is it now?
Treasurer 3: Another insurance company is about to go under; if they do, people could lose millions!
Treasurer 1: Okay, no problem. [the three go behind the double doors again] We'd better consult the chart. [this time one of the doors is left ajar. Stan observes this and then takes the Margaritaville into the chart's room]
Scene Description: The chart room. The three treasurers face three other men at the opposite end of the large chart. These other men sit in high-backed chairs and wear white wigs.
Treasurer 3: Sirs, another insurance company is going under!
Sir 1: Now determining most prudent move for insurance company. [brings down the gavel. Treasurer 2 picks up a chicken and a meat cleaver, puts the chicken down against the edge of the chart, and chops its head off with the meat cleaver. He then drops it into the chart and it stumbles around while Treasurer 3 plays the kazoo. The headless chicken drops onto the bailout button and the button lights up and sets off a bell]
Treasurer 1: Bailout!
Treasurer 3: Most prudent move is a bailout!
Sir 1: Bail out the insurance company! [Stan is upset at this method of resolving a serious economic problem. He picks up the Margaritaville, smashes it into the chart, turns around and leaves]
Scene Description: The city park, evening. A crowd is gathered for some reason...
Man 13: It's a miracle.
Man 14: Why would someone do this? [members of the economic recovery council run up to see what the commotion is about]
Randy: What is this? What's going on?
Stephen: There! Look! [a shot of Kyle signing papers] It's the Jew. Somehow he got a platinum AmEx with no spending limit.
Randy: What's he doing?
Stephen: He's... paying for everyone's debts. [a shot of several lines of people walking up to Kyle, who takes each bill, enters the amount due into a card reader, and swipes his card through the reader to pay the debt]
Darryl: Hey thanks, kid, this is really nice of you.
Randy: But that's... impossible. Why would he do this?
Man 15: So that people will have money to spend.
Sheila: [runs up to Kyle] Kyle! [gets on her knees] Kyle, you have to stop this! [begins to cry]
Kyle: It's okay, Ma.
Sheila: No-o Kyle, you'll be in debt for the rest of your life! [stands up and walks away] Please, somebody, get him to sto-o-op! [Randy gets an idea, points towards his house, and leaves. More people walk towards Kyle, and this continues for hours. Kyle begins to moan from lack of energy as he continues paying off debts]
Randy: [returns with his unpaid bills] Uh there's about seventeen thousand dollars' worth here.
Kyle: [pays it off, with difficulty.] Heunh. [Randy smiles and walks away]
Man 16: He paid for our debts so we could spend once more. [Kyle has stopped moving. A man steps up to check]
Man 17: He's dead.
Dr. Doctor: [steps up to check Kyle's pulse] No, he's just passed out. We should get him to bed. [several men raise Kyle over their heads and gently carry him home. Sheila sobs and follows them. They all go through the living room, up the stairs, into Kyle's room, and lay him down. Sheila waits as the men leave, then leaves and closes the door so Kyle can recover in peace. Beams of light enter through the window]
Scene Description: Channel 9 News. The anchorman speaks.
Anchor: For the first time in almost a year, the economy in South Park has taken a small, but noticeable upturn. [a shot of a bustling mall] Stores and shopping malls are open again as newly debt-free people feel safe... to make purchases. [The Marshes are shopping, and Randy notices something]
Randy: Wow, the new Margaritaville! [holds it up] With salsa dispenser! "Just pour your favorite salsa in the top and it comes out the dispenser in the bottom." Oh, we need this! [Sharon buries her face in her left hand]
Anchor: Are we out of the woods yet? Only time will tell. But we must not forget the sacrifice one person made to restore our faith and make us believe in the economy once again. The person we must thank every day for his amazing sacrifice. [the person is shown] Barack Obama. [a shot of Obama addressing a cheering crowd]
Kyle: [on the sofa watching the TV] Aww, come on!


Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The hallway is shown as the bell rings, and the students pour into the hallway from their classrooms. They're all chatting about something imminent.
Cartman: Oh, man, I thought that day would never end.
Wendy: Hey, Stan, you wanna maybe study together after school?
Stan: What?! No way, Wendy, today's the day!
Wendy: What day?
Butters: The day they're showin' Part 2 of last week's Terrance and Phillip show!
Clyde: They're gonna finally reveal who Phillip farted on to get out of jail.
Red: Oh God, that show is so dumb.
Cartman: Dumb?! Phillip farted in somebody's face super hard! But you don't know who until this week's episode!
Tweek: Eagh! This has been the longest week of my life!
Bebe: Why do boys think farts are so funny? They're juvenile and gross!
Cartman: No! No, nono, you're right, Bebe! Farts totally aren't funny. [walks from his locker to the middle of the hall, turns around, farts, and walks back to his locker. A little girl walks into the fart fumes and all the boys laugh]
Little Girl: Eww! [Butters points at her and laughs cruelly]
Kyle: Come on guys, we gotta go! [leads the boys down the hall]
Jimmy: We're finally gonna learn the shocking truth of who Phillip f-farted on.
Cartman: Let's get to my house!! [the boys run out of school chattering away while the girls remain in the hall annoyed]
Wendy: God, they're so stupid!
Scene Description: Cartman's house, a while later. The boys walk into the living room and arrange themselves before the TV.
Stan: Oh boy!
Butters: This is gonna be great!
Craig: I've been waiting for this all week.
Butters: Oh boy!
Cartman: [walks in with some snacks for himself and spots Craig on the sofa] Ah ah ah, that's my seat, Craig.
Craig: Dude, I was here first.
Cartman: It's my Goddamned house, now get your bitch ass on the floor! [Craig moves to an empty spot on the floor as Cartman takes his place on the sofa]
Butters: Well it's on, it's on, itsonitsonitson!
Scene Description: Graphics for the Canada Channel pop up onscreen.
Announcer: You are watching the Canada Channel, the only channel in Canada.
Announcer 2: Previously on Terrance & Phillip: Terrance farted on the American president, but Phillip took the heat. [A shot of Terrance farting on Barack Obama, who appears Canadian onscreen. The boys have a good laugh]
Phillip: [pleading his innocence as a prison guard shoves him into a cell] It wasn't me! [fart. The boys laugh again]
Announcer 2: And now, the thrilling conclusion of... Terrance & Phillip: Blood Rage ["Part 2" appears, followed by "Special Presentation"]
Announcer: ...will not be seen tonight, so that we may bring you this Queef Sisters Special!
Scene Description: APRIL FOOLS! A kazoo is heard.
Cartman: What?
Announcer 3: The Canada Channel presents... The Queef Sisters. Katherine and Katie Queef. [a shot of them at the beach farting pink queefs] Two Toronto girls who love shooting air out their vaginas. [a shot of them queefing on a unicorn.] It's The Queef Sisters special on Channel Canada.
Scene Description: A Canadian doctor's clinic. The sisters wait inside, their legs on stirrups. The doctor walks in.
Doctor: Alright Queef Sisters, it's time for your yearly PAP smear and vag exam.
Katie: Alright Doctor.
Katherine: I'm ready, Doctor.
Doctor: [walks over to Katherine] Now I'm just going to check for cysts. [lowers his face and moves in closer for a good look... QUEEF!] Awww! [backs up and hides his face. Katherine begins to laugh. Katie joins in]
Cartman: What the fuck is this?!
Doctor: Now listen heauh! If you queef in my face, then I refuse to be your gynecologist!
Katherine: I'm sorry, doctor. I had air trapped in my vagina.
Katie: Huhuhuhu!
Doctor: Well just don't let it happen again! Now I'm going to check for cysts. [lowers his head, quickly glances at Katherine, then lowers his head again. QUEEF! The doctor recoils again] Arh! [Katherine laughs, then Katie joins in. The boys watch this special and aren't moved.] Now stop it! That isn't funny! Babies come from there! [goes back between Katherine's legs. QUEEF! The doctor hides his face again and the sisters laugh. The doctor is fed up and throws his notepad away] That's it! No PAP smear for you!
Katherine: But doctor, what if I have cancer?
Doctor: You should have thought of that before you queefed in my face three times! [A shot of the boys confused, with Cartman getting mad]
Butters: They, uh they aren't gonna show part 2 of the Terrance and Phillip show?
Katie: Doctor, my sister is just being difficult. Maybe you can just examine my cervix instead.
Doctor: Well alright, let me check for cysts. [goes over to Katie and lowers his head. QUEEF! He backs out] Nooo! [the sisters laugh] That does it, Queef Sisters! I'm not your vaginal doctor anymore! [walks out the door]
Katherine: Oh Katie, I do believe we made the doctor angry.
Katie: I guess so Katherine.
Cartman: Dude! What the hell is this disgusting crap?!
Scene Description: The Canada Broadcasting Channel offices, day. Terrance & Phillip have just watched the same episode the boys did.
Phillip: What the hell is this disgusting crap?!
Terrance: Queef Sisters?!
Network President: That's right. It's a hot new Canadian show we're trying out.
Terrance: You replaced our show with this?! But they aren't funny! All they do is queef all the time!
Phillip: That's sick!
Network President: You think farts are funny; why not queefs?
Terrance: Because babies come from there!
Network President: Eh, look guys, women are starting to be the driving force behind the television audience! You know, women empowerment and the get-go. So we want to try to appeal to the female sensibility. Sorry guys, but if you ask me, your farts have gotten stale!
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Cartman is in the hall talking on his cell phone surrounded by other kids.
Cartman: No! No! As a matter of fact, I will not hold! I've been on hold for thirty-five minutes! Well we want some Goddamned answers, that's what we want! Like why did you show that smut instead of the Terrance and Phillip conclusion, you asshole?!
Wendy: [walks up to Stan] What's going on?
Stan: We're complaining to the Canada Network 'cause they put something really gross on TV!
Cartman: You wanna tell me what's funny about two women shooting air from their vagina into a man's face?! No! No! See, some of us were eating when you showed that!
Clyde: I threw up on my way home.
Cartman: Clyde threw up on his way home! What makes you think you can put that kind of filth on television?! [more girls begin to appear]
Stan: You tell 'em, Cartman!
Red: What happened?
Butters: They didn't show part 2 of Terrance and Phillip! [crosses his arms] They replaced it with the Queef Sisters!
Kyle: It was just thirty minutes of two women queefing on people!
Bebe: Oh what? So farts are hysterical but queefs are gross?
Cartman: You know that little kids could have been watching that?! What kind of network are you running there in Canada?! Don't call me buddy! I'm not your buddy! [the girls have heard enough and leave]
Bebe: I can't believe they're this upset.
Red: God, they're annoying!
Annie: I don't even know what a queef is.
Wendy: It's when a woman blows air out her vag, Annie.
Annie: Oh.
Red: You know that girl Samantha Dunskin, she can make herself queef whenever she wants.
Bebe: Really?
Wendy: Wait a minute. I've got an idea.
Scene Description: Meanwhile, just behind them, Cartman has Butters write out a letter as he dictates and paces around the floor.
Cartman: And to that end, by resorting to filth and garbage, the Canada Channel has thusly...
Kyle: Robbed us of our innocence.
Cartman: Yes, that's good.
Butters: [writing left-handed] Robbed us of our innocence... [the girls return]
Wendy: Hey, guys, we have a little surprise for you.
Stan: What? [a girl moves to the front of the group, and lets loose a queef into Butters' face. Butters is stunned and tries to get the queef off his face as if it were skunk musk]
Butters: Oh God, oh my God no! [runs down the hall and out the front doors of the school, still screaming and trying to get the queef off, then runs all the way home. He runs in, leaving the front door open and his father puzzled. He runs upstairs and into his room, slamming the door shut.]
Stephen: Butters?
Scene Description: The Marsh house, later. Randy is talking on the phone, as Sharon listens in, worried.
Randy: Oh my God, well how is he doing? Yeah. Yeah, I'm sure. Huh, okay, well, thank you for telling me, Mr. Stotch, I'll spread the word. Yoeah, you take care. Bye. [hangs up the cordless phone] We need to cancel our plans, Sharon. There's gonna be an emergency all-parent meeting at the school tonight. [starts to go upstairs]
Sharon: Why? What happened?
Randy: [backs down a couple of steps] A girl at school, she... queefed on one of Stan's friends today. [goes on upstairs. She looks on for a few seconds]
Sharon: ...So?
Scene Description: Stan's room. Stan is sitting at the edge of his bed moping. Randy knocks on the door, then opens it to peek in. He then walks up to Stan and sits next to him on the bed.
Randy: Hey, pal. I heard about what happened at school today. You wanna talk about it?
Stan: Butters was just sitting there, Dad. He... he didn't even know it was coming.
Randy: I know, pal. Sometimes... bad things happen to good people. But you know Butters is still Butters, and he needs you guys right now more than anybody.
Stan: It was so gross, Dad, I mean, what if another girl at school tries-?
Randy: Hey, we're getting all the parents together and we're gonna take care of this, okay? Nothing like this will ever happen again.
Scene Description: South Park Elementary Gymnasium, night. Principal Victoria and Mr. Mackey wait for all the parents take their seats on the bleachers.
Mr. Mackey: M'kay, parents, some of you have already heard, but most of you have not, m'kay? We've had a terrible incident occur at the school. Apparently a young girl uh, went up to a young boy here at the school, m'kay, and queefed in his face. [immediately people begin whispering to each other]
Gerald: How did this happen?
Stuart: Where were the teachers?!
Mrs. Testaburger: Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute. Are you saying we're all here just because a girl queefed on a boy?
Man: Just?!
Thomas: We're here to find out why!
Randy: The question is how do we send a message to other girls in the school so this doesn't happen again! [more murmuring ensues]
Principal Victoria: Now hold on a minute, I think we're being a little drastic here. You know, I probably see a boy in my office once a week for farting on a girl. [the men look at each other]
Randy: What does that have to do with anything? [the women begin to murmur in reaction to that question]
Scene Description: Live with Regis and Kelly. The camera pulls back in the sign to reveal the studio audience.
Regis: Our next guests have really taken America by storm. Their new hit show is being tuned in by women all over the world. Please welcome the Queef Sisters! [Regis and Kelly stand up to greet the sisters as the sisters go onstage]
Katherine: Oh hello Regis.
Katie: Hello Kelly. [QUEEF. The sisters laugh]
Regis: So, uh, gals, ...you seem to really like queefing.
Katherine: Well Reeg, it's like this: we think that queefing is a perfectly normal female bodily function. Why not have fun with it? [rips out a new queef and laughs. The audience applauds and cheers]
Regis: But I mean really, isn't queefing a bit juvenile?
Katie: Men enjoy farts, so why shouldn't women enjoy their queefs?
Katherine: That's right. We've written all aboot it in our new feminist book, Eat, Pray, Queef.
Kelly: Well I think that what you gals are doing for the feminist movement is amazing. And that's why women all over America stand behind you. [lets loose a most robust queef]
Regis: D'ohhh! [walks offstage covering his nose as the sisters laugh.]
Scene Description: The Canada Broadcasting Channel offices, day. Terrance & Phillip are there once again.
Network President: Terrance and Phillip, you've put on a terrific show for many many years. You've made Canada Channel what it is today. You're fired.
Terrance & Phillip: Fired?!
Network President: Sorry guys, but this queefing thing is really catching on. [grabs some gift-wrapped boxes from under his desk and carries them to Terrance & Phillip.] Queef Sisters' ratings are through the roof, and to pay them what they're asking we've gotta get rid of you. Goodbye. Here's some cookies. [hands them the boxes]
Terrance: Brian, don't do this!
Phillip: You can't let Canada Channel be soiled by that perverse garbage! You know it's sick!
Brian: [prepares himself a drink and walks by his window] Yes, I know it's sick. To be honest, I gag every time one of them lets out a queef. [turns around and glares at the duo] But it's money Goddammit and this channel needs it! I'm sorry, Terrance & Phillip, your show is done!
Scene Description: The Martha Stewart show.
Martha: I always love when Spring is on the way. Such a fun and inspiring time to decorate. Just like most women out there I've really gotten into queefing lately. [holds up some scissors and construction paper, and the camera pulls back to reveal her genitalia] It's a lot of fun and interesting ways we can decorate our queefs and just make them more dynamic for the holidays. What we're gonna do is just... cut out some paper... like... this... [snips away] and cut out little stars and little moon shapes, [puts those stars and moons into her vagina] and we're gonna just... jam those... up... and they have custom simple little sparkles from the hobby stores; they come in... little tube which make them very easy to just... [puts the sparkles into the vagina as well] shoot... right up the ol'... there we are. And of course you can feel free to add little flowers or maybe some festive Easter grass. But the point is that when we're done we can... let one rip. [she queefs and the stars, moons, and sparkles pop out in a fireworks display. She grins] See how pretty that was? It's a good thing.
Scene Description: The segment ends. Next, the Marsh house, day. The Marshes are enjoying a meal. A small sound is heard and Sharon smiles. Stan and Randy freeze, then Randy looks at Sharon.
Randy: What was that?
Sharon: Oh, excuse me, I... [stifles a giggle] I, I had a little air trapped. [Shelly begins to giggle]
Randy: Oh my God, did you just...? At the table?
Sharon: [chuckles] Pardon me. [Shelly giggles]
Stan: Mom, gross! [Sharon and Shelly giggle some more]
Randy: Okay, that's enough, girls! Alright? I mean, how old are you, Sharon?
Sharon: [giggles and pats her face down with a napkin] Sorry, it's just ...it's kind of funny how much it bothers you.
Randy: Oh yeah. Yeah, that's really funny!
Stan: Stop it, Mom!
Randy: Yeah okay? Let's just try to have a nice dinner, okay?
Sharon: [giggling] Okay, okay. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. [smiles. The family resumes eating quietly until another queef is heard. Sharon and Shelly crack up while Stan and Randy stare at them]
Randy: Sharon! Marsh!
Sharon: Ex-cuse me.
Shelly: Hey Mom, do you like Australia? 'Cause that was the Great Barrier Queef. [Sharon and Shelly giggle some more]
Randy: That's it, I'm leaving! [leaves the table and heads for the front door]
Stan: I'm going too. [follows Randy]
Sharon: Oh! Oh please, Randy! How many times have you farted in bed and held my head under the covers?!
Randy: That's completely different!
Stan: Yeah it's different, Mom!
Sharon: Alright, tell me exactly where the line is. Er, okay, how about this? I have a friend Abbie. She had a baby boy and it farted.
Randy: [giggles a bit] Heh, yeah?
Sharon: But she was actually still pregnant with the baby boy and it farted inside her.
Randy: [giggles with Stan] Yeah?
Sharon: And then the gas from the baby's fart traveled down and shot out her vagina, haHA. [Randy and Stan glare at her]
Randy: Come on Stanley, let's go. [they turn and head out the front door]
Sharon: Oh! Oh, so when does that stop being funny?!
Randy: It stopped being funny the second that air came out her vagina, Sharon! [exits the house and slams the door shut]
Scene Description: The Queef Sisters' house, living room. Katie is on the sofa putting nail polish on the nails of her left foot.
Katie: Look Katherine, I made queef cookies!
Katherine: But those are just ginger snaps, Katie. [Katie queefs on the cookies and voila! The sisters laugh. The doorbell rings] Could you get that, Katie? [queefs on Katie as Katie walks by to get the front door. They giggle. Katherine opens the door and sees Terrance & Phillip staring at her angrily, with their arms crossed over their chests]
Katie: Oh my God! Look, Katherine! It's Canadian television stars Terrance & Phillip!
Katherine: [jumps to her feet] Oh my God, they're famous! [walks up besides Katie] Well hello sirs! It is such an honor to meet you! Oh Katie, I'm getting all goosebumpy and queefy. [queefs twice. The sisters laugh]
Katie: [queefs] Wooo.
Phillip: May we come in, please?
Katherine: Oh certainly, though I feel we look a mess. [Terrance & Phillip walk in and look around]
Terrance: Very nice place you have here. Network must be paying you well.
Katie: Oho yes, the show is going aboat as well as it could. [queefs]
Terrance: All right, enough with the queefing! We didn't come for a social call!
Phillip: That's right! We've come to kill you! [Terrance pulls out a gun and aims it at them, and they gasp]
Katie: Why kill us? We love you.
Terrance: Because you've reduced Canada Channel to smut and toilet humor!
Katherine: Oh. Well I suppose if we're going to die, we should die by the hands of our idols.
Terrance: Your idols?
Katherine: We grew up watching you. You meant the world to us. We used to fantasize about pleasing you in all different ways. Know that it is an honor to die by your hand. [the sisters shut their eyes and wait to be shot]
Terrance: [turns around] I don't think I can do it, Phillip. [Katie opens her eyes]
Phillip: Why not? [Katherine opens her eyes]
Terrance: Because I'm suddenly finding myself strangely attracted to Katherine.
Phillip: What?! That's crazy, Terrance! Katie is obviously the hot one. [they look over their shoulders at the sisters]
Scene Description: Butters' bedroom, day. He's in bed with an ice pack tied down around his head.
Butters: Ohhhhh ohhhhh. [Cartman enters leading the other boys in class. He's carrying a box]
Cartman: Hey Butters. How you holding up, man?
Butters: Oh. Hey fellas.
Cartman: We got you a present, Butters. I'll put it here on your nightstand 'cause none of us want to touch you since you got queefed on.
Butters: Aw thanks.
Stan: Butters, I'm afraid things have gotten worse. All the women suddenly think that... queefing is funny.
Butters: Ohhhhh ohhhhh!
Kyle: Calm down Butters! The men are taking action. But we need to take your picture.
Butters: My, my picture?
Cartman: You're going to be the face of queef abuse, Butters, so that we can make people open their eyes.
Scene Description: License place BM 475. The camera pans up to reveal Terrance driving Phillip, Katherine and Katie down a country road. They pass a sign saying "Entering CANADIAN WINE COUNTRY. Over THREE WINERIES to explore." The four continue down the road until they reach Canadian White Wine Winery. They go in and sample the wine. Terrance finishes his glass and farts into it. The two men laugh. The foursome get back on the road. Sometime later, Katie queefs on Terrance.
Terrance: AAH! [the sisters laugh. The foursome then stops at Canadian Red Wine Winery. Inside they sample more wine and a flatulent sound is heard]
Phillip: Dammit I'm trying to enjoy my wine, Katie!
Terrance: No, that was me, Phillip. I farted.
Phillip: Oh. [Both men laugh. The foursome leave and get back on the road. Terrance is still driving. They're all drinking straight from bottles]
Katherine: Oh, this is a dream come true. I've always wanted to meet you, Phillip. [Terrance brakes angrily]
Terrance: Phillip?! I'm Terrance!
Katie: What? I thought you were Terrance.
Phillip: No, I'm Phillip!
Katherine: Oh dear. [they continue down the road, sipping from bottles. Phillip is now driving with Katherine up front while Terrance sits in back with Katie. Katie tosses her bottle back onto the road and starts making out with Terrance.]
Scene Description: The House of Representatives. Some of the boys, their parents, and South Park Elementary staff are presenting their case.
Stephen: A disgusting, violating trend is taking over our city, our state, our nation. Queefing has become an acceptable evil.
Cartman: Last week at our school, a girl queefed right into our friend's face. That is why we are here to tell you [points to the poster] it's not a joke.
Stan: On television us children are starting to see and hear more and more graphic queefing.
Randy: [walks into view with a mic] I would like to take this opportunity to explain why farts are funny and queefs are not. Men have always joked about farts and we in fact name our farts. We have The Squeaker [moves the mic to his ass and lets out a squeaking fart, then speaks into the mic again] And then there's The Foghorn [moves the mic to his ass and lets out two farts that sound like a foghorn, then speaks into the mic again] and the "Don't be scared" [moves the mic to his ass and lets out a series of farts that sort of sound like "Don't be scared", then speaks into the mic again] and of course there's the-
Woman: Excuse me. [another woman hands her a mic] Well if that really is your argument, it isn't a very sound one. Women name their queefs too.
Other Women: That's right! We do.
Woman: For instance, we have the Sneezing Unicorn. [moves the mic to her vagina and makes it sneeze, then speaks into the mic again] and The Resuscitator [moves the mic to her vagina and makes a sound like an air pump]
Cartman: Sick! Stop it, lady!
Randy: Th-that's not the same! We've got the Chinese Firecracker! [moves the mic to his ass and lets out a sputtering fart that sounds like a Chinese firecracker]
Woman 2: That's all well and good, but we can do the Road Warrior. [moves the mic to her vagina and...]
Road Warrior Queef: Nooo! We go iiin! We kiiill! No more talk! We kiiill! Soon, my dog of war, but we have to do it my way. [switches to another voice] Losers! Losers wait!
Males: [covering their noses] AWWW!
Randy: Jesus Christ!
Scene Description: The Queef Sisters' house, night. In the dark, Phillip is naked and running away from something. A vase flies at him and shatters against a wall.
Phillip: You stupid bitch, what the fuck is wrong with you?! [evades another vase, which shatters against another wall]
Katherine: I'm not your sex toy, you fucking pig! [flings a third vase at him]
Phillip: Ugh! You don't queef in bed while we're having sex!
Katherine: Fuck you, you don't fucking slap me! [a light turns on. Terrance and Katie are in a bed next to them]
Terrance: Could you please keep it down? We're trying to have sex over here.
Phillip: She queefed while we were having sex, Terrance!
Terrance: SICK!
Katie: Well what's the big deal? I've been queefing in this bed the entire time.
Terrance: What?! Gross! [punches her on the face with his left fist]
Katie: How dare you?! [punches him back]
Katherine: Get out! Get out both of you! [begins pushing Phillip towards the door] We never want to see you again! [kicks his ass. Soon, both men are out of the bedroom]
Terrance: After everything we've been through? [Katie gives them the last push, shuts the door, and sobs. Katherine joins her, they hug each other, and they queef separately]
Scene Description: The terrace at the Queef Sisters home. Terrance & Phillip stand at the banister, naked and smoking cigarettes.
Terrance: [sighs] What the hell am I going to do, Phillip? She makes me so mad sometimes.
Phillip: Katherine just won't stop queefing, but I don't know if I can live without her.
Scene Description: Terrence and Phillip enter the house.
Terrance: Katie, I'm sorry. I was wrong.
Phillip: Me too, Katherine. I don't love your queefs, but dammit, I love you.
Katie: Oh Terrance. [they hug]
Katherine: Phillip! [they hug and move towards Katherine's bed. Each couple starts fucking immediately, with the men on top]
Scene Description: Stan's house, morning. A rooster crows somewhere. Randy steps out to pick up the newspaper. He yawns and reaches down...
Randy: [gasps] Oh my God! [the headline reads "QUEEFING BANNED! ROAD WARRIOR QUEEF SEALS IT!"] Ohmygod! Stan! [turns around and closes the door, then runs to the foot of the stairs] Stan, we did it! Colorado Senate moves to ban queefing!
Stan: [coming down the stairs] No way! We did it?! [twirls around] Yeah!!
Randy: Alright son! Yeah!!
Sharon: [coming in from the kitchen with Shelly] What's going on?
Randy: [thrusts the paper in Sharon's face] HA! Read it and weep, Sharon! No more queefing!
Sharon: [resigned] Well, ...congratulations, guys. Looks like you got us. Good job.
Randy: Aw come on. [tries to lighten the mood] Just because you can't queef anymore...
Sharon: You really think women cared that much about queefing? Is that really what you think this has all been about? This has been about women having a little bit of fun for once at your expense. For just this one time we could be the immature ones to make you feel uncomfortable. But no, you just couldn't let us have that one little thing, could you? Because even though things are getting better for women, you still think of us as lesser people sometimes, and we always have to prove ourselves twice as hard. Congratulations, guys. [begins to sob] For getting your way... again. [she and Shelly turn around and head back to the kitchen]
Stan: Mom, we didn't mean... [he and Randy are stunned. Randy walks to the sofa and sits down.]
Randy: [exhales] Boy oh boy. I think we might have screwed up royal, Stan. [Stan follows him to the sofa and sits next to him]
Stan: Yeah. We all got so caught up in how we felt that we didn't realize... women actually cared about something a lot deeper.
Randy: Stan, let's call the guys together. Maybe we can make this right.
Scene Description: A recording booth, later. Randy appears alone and starts to sing.
Randy: There's a time in our lives when we must listen to the oppressed.
Randy, Stan: And realize we've been keeping women down.
Mr. Mackey: They have power and they have courage.
Stephen, Butters: And we must all stand by the belief.
Gerald, Kyle: That a woman is strong, and she has the right to queef.
The Males: Fly free. Free to queef aloud; fly free. Let every queef show that you're proud.
Randy: You face so many challenges to put an end to your grief.
The Males: You are woman now, and you are free to queef.
Cartman: It's time for equality. We must give them the respect they deserve.
Mr. Garrison: They're just the same as you and me. Their rights must be preserrrr-r-r-rrrved.
The Males (Randy): Queef free (Queef free). Every woman has the right; queef free (Queef free). Let your queefing stars shine bright.You are woman, hear you roar (queef free), queefing too loud to ignore. Queef a little each day and let your soul take flight! Ah-aaaaaaah-aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah, queef free.
Scene Description: Scenes shown during the song: A fire department captain, a car mechanic, a firefighter, a lab technician, a baker, a flight attendant, a doctor, a paramedic, Hillary Clinton, with a queef coming out of her, a dog with five or six puppies at her teats, a pharmacist, a hotel worker, a mother, and an athlete.
Scene Description: A Canadian cathedral, day. Inside this magnificent church are Terrance & Phillip and their brides.
Bishop: For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. [Katherine jumps up and queefs on him] Nooo! [the sisters laugh]
Phillip: Stop it, Katherine! This is a serious moment!
Bishop: Therefore what God has joined together let no man- [Terrance jumps up and farts on him. Phillip laughs. Katie jumps up and queefs on Terrance]
Phillip: Aww. sick! [Terrance jumps up and farts on Katie. Phillip laughs. Katherine comes up and queefs on him. He farts on the bishop]
Bishop: That's it! I now pronounce you farts and queefs! [the couples laugh as the bishop quickly leaves, Canadians laugh]


Scene Description: South Park, day. Cartman is walking over to Jimmy's house. He enters the house eating chips. Jimmy is working on new jokes.
Cartman: Hey Jimmy, what are you up to? [closes the door and walks up to Jimmy]
Jimmy: Oh, hey Eric. I was just trying to write some new jokes for my comedy [chokes up] ...rou-routine.
Cartman: Yeah well, ya wanna do somethin'? I wanted to hang out with Stan and Kyle, but they're all pissed off at me for somethin' so I have to hang out with you.
Jimmy: Sorry Eric, but I really need to work, very much. I haven't written a good joke in over a week.
Cartman: [heads to the sofa and lays down on his back] Alright, well maybe I can help you, you know, we can totally write some stuff together.
Jimmy: Oh, well, sure. I've never really tried working with a partner, but let's give it a sho- a sh- a-sh, a-sh, shotaroosky. Let's see... I was workin' on this: Why does a squirrel swim on its back? To keep his -nuts dry.
Cartman: [while munching] No, that's not that funny. Let's try something else.
Jimmy: Ahb. A fireman and a p-p-Polack are eating marshmallows when-
Cartman: No, no. Polacks aren't that funny dude. Try somethin' else. [Jimmy sighs and throws away a sheet of jokes. Hours later there are many more sheets on the floor]
Jimmy: ...So the Pope says, "What are you, a stinking e-evolutionist?"
Cartman: Meh. [Jimmy tosses away another crumpled sheet]
Sarah: Here's some fruit, boys. [sets the plate down by Jimmy] Better for you than potato chips. Oh Jimmy, look out, there's a black widow! [pulls out a newspaper from under Jimmy's desk and smashes the spider with it]
Jimmy: Wow, thanks Mom. [she turns and walks away] You might have saved my life.
Cartman: Dude, if I'm trying to be creative, I can't eat fruit. Doesn't your mom have something more substantial to eat?
Jimmy: You can check the freezer. There might be some frozen fishsticks or somethin', if you like fishsticks. [gets an idea, indicated by a small bell]
Cartman: Yeah, I like fishsticks.
Jimmy: Wait a minute. Fishsticks... Fish. Dicks. [now he writes the joke excitedly] Ohmigod! It's so obvious. How did I never think of it before? [Cartman looks at him, then sits up]
Cartman: What, dude, you got something?
Jimmy: Alright, just run with me on this, Eric. Say Eric, do you like fishsticks?
Cartman: Yeah.
Jimmy: You like putting fishsticks in your mouth?
Cartman: Yeah.
Jimmy: Well what are you, Eric? A gay fish?
Cartman: [thinks through the joke] Fish dicks! Aw dude, that's funny as shit! I think we're really onto something here. Let's try it out on the guys.
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The bell rings and the boys are in the hall. Clyde is putting some books away in his locker when Cartman rounds the corner with three other guys: Jimmy, Kenny and Butters.
Butters: Ohoho, there's Clyde. Do it to Clyde.
Jimmy: Yeah yeah, let's do it to Clyde.
Cartman: Okay okay, shushushuh, okay, shush, check it out. Uh hey there Clyde.
Clyde: Hey.
Stan: [walks up to the other guys] What's going on?
Butters: Eric and Jimmy came up with the funniest joke ever.
Cartman: Say Clyde, do you like fishsticks?
Clyde: Yes. [Butters covers his mouth to stifle a laugh]
Cartman: Do you like to put fishsticks in your mouth?
Clyde: Yes. [Butters covers his mouth to stifle a laugh]
Cartman: [points to Clyde with both index fingers] What are you, Clyde? A gay fish?
Butters: [runs up to Cartman and Clyde] HA you said you like fishsticks in your mouth; that makes you a gay fish! [Cartman laughs. Butters soon joins him. Clyde just smiles sheepishly, knowing that's a good joke. Token walks into view and Cartman runs to him. Clyde grins]
Cartman: Token, Token, got a question for you: [clears his throat] Token, do you like fishsticks?
Token: Fishsticks? Yeah, I guess so. [Butters begins to giggle]
Cartman: [motions to Butters to keep quiet for now] Shh shh shh shh Butters Butters. [back to Token] You you like putting fishsticks in your mouth?
Token: Yes.
Cartman: What are you?
Butters, Cartman: A gay fish? [Cartman laughs first, then Butters]
Butters: Hey look, there's Kevin Stoley! [runs towards the unseen voice] Hey Kevin, do you like fishsticks? [A hot new joke is born.]
Scene Description: Mr. Mackey's office. Garrison peeks in...
Mr. Garrison: Hey, hey Mackey? Do you like fishsticks?
Mr. Mackey: Fishsticks? Yeah, I l- I like fishsticks, m'kay?
Scene Description: At South Park Market.
Stephen: Oh hey Peterson, buying fishsticks, I see.
Peterson: Yeah, I like fishsticks.
Stephen: What are you, Peterson? A gay fish? [everyone laughs]
Scene Description: The Jimmy Kimmel Show.
Announcer: And now, here he is! Jimmy Kimmel! [the studio audience cheers as he goes onstage]
Jimmy Kimmel: Alright, hey, how are we all feelin' tonight? [the audience quiets down] So uhhh, let me ask the guys in the audience a question. Do you like fishsticks?
The Guys: Yes.
Jimmy Kimmel: Huh. What are you, a gay fish? [everyone laughs]
Scene Description: The Late Show with David Letterman.
David Letterman: And so uhhh, hey Paul, do you like fishsticks, Paul?
Paul Shaffer: Uhhh, sure?
David Letterman: What are you, Paul, a gay fish? [everyone cracks up over it. Someone in the audience keels over the balcony. Letterman tosses away his notes]
Scene Description: The Tonight Show with Jay Leno.
Jay Leno: So apparently more and more Americans are eating fishsticks. Have you seen this? Have you read about this? Loving fishsticks, kinda makes me wonder, you know? What is everybody, a gay fish? [the studio audience roars with laughter and two men in the front row fall off their chairs and throw up.]
Scene Description: Another talk show, but without a studio audience.
Anchor: It is quite possibly the funniest joke over conceived, and its origin is unknown. The fishsticks joke crosses all border, all races, all ages and ethnic groups and is slowly uniting our country. In fact, the only person who appears to not get the joke is rapper Kanye West, who becomes furious when people use the joke on him.
Kanye: Yo, that is messed up, yo! I am not gay, and I sure as hell ain't no fish! Alright?!
Tom Snyder: You. Really. Don't. Get it.
Kanye: Hey man, I'm a genius, alright?! I'm the most talented musician in the world! If I was a homosexual, or a fish, I would know!
Tom Snyder: You're a rapper.
Kanye: Yes.
Tom Snyder: An entrepreneur.
Kanye: Yes.
Tom Snyder: And you like fish dicks.
Kanye: Yes.
Tom Snyder: You're a gay fish.
Kanye: No! I am not no gay fish!
Tom Snyder: Just gay?
Kanye: I'm not gay and I'm not a fish! Man!
Tom Snyder: [this time goes through joke one step at a time] You are male?
Kanye: Damn right I'm male.
Tom Snyder: A male that likes fish dicks.
Kanye: Yeah, I like fishsticks.
Tom Snyder: You like to put fish dicks in your mouth.
Kanye: Yeah.
Tom Snyder: You're a gay fish.
Kanye: Alright, that does it! I'm gonna kick your motherfuckin' ass! [stands up pushes him off his chair]
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The kids are having lunch in the school cafeteria. Stan and Kyle sit opposite each other this time.
Cartman: And then it was on Leno and the Jimmy Kimmel show! Dude, that's our joke on national television.
Kyle: We know, Cartman!
Cartman: Nya nya nya nya nyaaa nya! We are comedy writers and you guys aren't! Ha ha ha ha haaa ha! Jimmy, I've been thinking: We've got to patent the fishsticks joke.
Jimmy: P-patent?
Cartman: Yeah dude, there's lots of people out there using our joke on their shows. We should be getting compensated.
Jimmy: Well, Eric, th-that's really not how jokes work. I mean, you know, we should just be... happy that the joke is so popular and made a lot of people laugh.
Cartman: Dude, fuck that! Maybe you were writing jokes for people's amusement, but I don't work for free. I'm gonna talk to a lawyer so we get what's coming to us! [smiles, takes his tray and walks away]
Kyle: Jimmy, exactly what part of the fishsticks joke did Cartman write?
Jimmy: Well, he didn't actually... write any of it. He just uh...
Kyle: Let me guess: you wrote the joke, and Cartman just laid on the couch eating Twizzlers.
Jimmy: Actually it was potato chips.
Kyle: I knew it! Don't let that fat turd walk all over you, Jimmy! Stand up for yourself!
Jimmy: W-well, I-I mean he, he was in the room.
Craig: Then just give him half.
Kyle: What?
Craig: I like you Jimmy, but you're not gonna win this. Consider yourself lucky he's only asking for half.
Kyle: Craig, if Cartman didn't do anything, then he doesn't deserve any of the credit!
Craig: Yep. And if I had wheels, I'd be a wagon.
Kyle: No dude, screw that! Jimmy, if Cartman didn't write the joke, then definitely don't sign any patent papers with him! Just say "Cartman, you didn't have anything to do with this joke and you know it!"
Craig: Just give him half.
Scene Description: Kanye speaks to a group of reporters at a conference somewhere.
Kanye: There are a lot of people out there making up rumors about me that are malicious and untrue. But I'm going to prove once and for all: I'm not a fish. Because I am a genius, I've ascertained that fish have gills. [a doctor steps up next to him] Doctor, do I have gills?
Doctor: He does not have gills.
Kanye: You hear that? No gills! So I can't be a fish. And I'm a genius voice of a generation so I'm not gay! So that is that! Alright?! It's over! Now are there any questions?
Reporter 1: Do you like fishsticks?
Kanye: Love 'em!
Reporter 2: You're a gay fish. [a third reporter laughs and soon the rest of the room is laughing]
Kanye: No I'm not- AAAARGH! [grabs the sides of the podium and shakes with anger]
Scene Description: Late Night with Conan O'Brien.
Conan O'Brien: Alright, recently... Recently we've all come to know the fishsticks joke as probably the funniest, most awesome joke ever, but who originally came up with it? Well here's your answer. Joining us tonight, the brains behind the incredible fishsticks joke, the one and only Carlos Mencia.
Carlos Mencia: [dancing in his seat] Yeheah, Vive la Mexico!
Conan O'Brien: So Carlos, you've got a show on Comedy Central, a stand-up tour, where did you have time to come up with this classic joke?
Mencia: Well you know I just kicking it with my homies and my brain, you know, my brain is always so full of ideas 'cause I'm so fonny and stuff, so I was just all like, ""Hey, Papito, you like fishsticks?" And my homeboy says "Yeah Carlos" you know, "you're so funny!" And then it just occurred to me. I said, "Oh man, you must be a gay fish, homes!" [the studio audience roars with laughter, and he begins to dance in his seat again] And this is how I came up with it, mi amigos! [Conan claps. Cartman, looking at the show on TV, is pissed off]
Cartman: [shakes with rage, then turns left and walks away] Motherfucker!
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Cartman runs up to Jimmy in the hallway.
Cartman: Jimmy, dude, did you see?! Carlos Mencia is taking credit for our joke!
Jimmy: Really?
Cartman: Yeah dude. I told you this would happen. Now look, I got a lawyer to draw up some patent papers. We've got to sign these so that people know that the joke belongs to you and me!
Jimmy: Aahhm, I don't know, Eric. I really don't think I want to sign that very much.
Cartman: But Jimmy, some fat turd is taking credit for something he didn't do!
Jimmy: Well, to be perfectly f-f-f-frank, Eric, I think I came up with a little bit more of the joke than you did.
Cartman: What?!
Jimmy: Well, you know, I mean, I basically wrote the thing, and you just kind of ate chips.
Cartman: Jimmy, that's messed up. We decided that day to write together. Don't you remember?
Scene Description: Cartman remembers entering Jimmy's house.
Cartman: Hey Jimmy, wanna hang out?
Jimmy: Sorry Eric, but I've gotta write some jokes. Unless you wanna team up or somethin'.
Cartman: Team up? Okay, let's write some jokes together.
Sarah: Here's some fishsticks guys. I hope you like fishsticks.
Cartman: Do we like fishsticks? What does she think we are? Gay fish? [Jimmy and Cartman laugh, but Cartman notices something on Jimmy's desk.] Uh oh, look out, Jimmy, it's a black widow! [gets off the couch, gets a newspaper, walks over to the desk, and smashes the spider dead.]
Jimmy: Wow, thanks Eric.
Scene Description: Back to the present. Jimmy looks helpless.
Jimmy: Is that... Is that how it happened?
Cartman: Look, exactly who came up with which part of the joke isn't even relevant. We had an agreement Jimmy. And if you wanna go back on that now, well then you're no better than a Jew.
Jimmy: I'm... I'm sorry?
Cartman: It's cool man, it's cool. [turns around and walks away]
Scene Description: Kanye West in Concert, night. at an indoor arena looking similar to Madison Square Garden
Announcer: Here he is, y'all! Give it up for Kanye West!
Kanye: [gets onstage] Yo. Ungh. Yo. [turns to look at the audience] Yo, whoa! Whoa, what the hell?! [a lot of audience members carry signs saying that Kanye is a gay fish and that he likes fishsticks]
Audience: Gay fish! Gay fish! Gay fish!
Kanye: Yo, fuck this noise, yo! [throws down his mic and storms offstage]
Scene Description: Kanye's mansion, living room. He looks at a board while his entourage stands at the other end of the room looking at him.
Kanye: Just doesn't make any sense, yo. Why is everyone calling me a gay fish?
House: Kanye, look, we all think it would be better if you would just drop it. Ya-you know, I mean, ih-if you don't get it, you don't get it.
Kanye: What do you mean, I don't get it, House?! I'm a genius. I'll understand it, I just need to break it down is all. Now let's see... [he's writing on a whiteboard. So far he has "Fishsticks plus Me equals Gayfish"] Somethin' about fishsticks... interacting with me... makes me gay fish.
Aide 1: Kanye, really...
Kanye: Shut up! [looks at the whiteboard again.] Alright, now what do we know about fishsticks? [adds more words to the board] They're breaded, they're fried, they're frozen. Then under me we have rapper, genius. And gay fish are homosexual. They swim. [begins connecting words] Is it because breaded has something to do with genius? Which swims?
House: No, because you said you like fish dicks, Kanye! Don't, don't you get it? You see, fish dicks is a is a play on words.
Kanye: I don't need anyone tellin' me "play on words"! I'm a motherfuckin' lyrical wordsmith motherfuckin' genius!
Scene Description: The boys' restroom at South Park Elementary, day. Kyle is at the urinal when Cartman walks in a few seconds later.
Cartman: Hey Kyle, can I talk to you for a second?
Kyle: Dude, get out of here! I'm peeing.
Cartman: [walks off a bit] It's just... I don't know what to do about Jimmy. I'm starting to think he might try and Jew me out of my half of the fishsticks joke. [Kyle zips up and goes to the sink to wash his hands] I just... need you to teach me some Jew defensive moves, Kyle. Because we really both did come up with it. [Kyle finishes up, grabs a paper towel, wipes his hands dry, and turns to Cartman]
Kyle: You know what, Cartman? I believe you.
Cartman: You do?
Kyle: Yes, I believe that you believe you helped write that joke. That's how people like you work! Your ego is so out of whack that it will do whatever it can to protect itself. And people with a messed up ego can do these mental gymnastics to convince themselves they're awesome, when really, they're just douchebags! [turns and leaves the bathroom]
Cartman: [after some thought] But, I'm sure I helped come up with the joke. Didn't I?
Scene Description: Cartman remembers entering Jimmy's house. This time things go by quickly.
Cartman: Hey Jimmy, what's up dawg?
Jimmy: Oh hey Eric. Just workin' on some jokes.
Cartman: That's cool. You wanna write some together? [walks out of view]
Jimmy: Hey, that'd be great! I've always wanted to work with you. You're really funny and you're totally not fat.
Cartman: [pulls up a chair] Cool, thanks. Let's get to work! Now let's see... something that's a play on words, I don't know... fishsticks. You know, 'cause it, 'cause dicks.
Jimmy: Hey, you're really onto something there.
Sarah: Hello Eric. Have some chips, because you're totally not fat at all.
Cartman: Oh thank you Mrs. Valmer. [she walks off] Now let's see... The setup could be... "Do you like fishsticks?"
Jimmy: Right. And then I say, "Yeah."
Cartman: So then I can say, "What are you, a gay fish?"
Jimmy: Oh wow, this is incredible! [something crashes into the house, making it shake violently. Jimmy and Cartman look at the source of the crash. A dragon wanders in]
Sarah: What is that?
Cartman: It's a dragon of some kind! Don't worry, I can save you all! [leaps out of his seat with a sword out of nowhere and slashes the dragon across the chest, making it bleed. It falls on its back all of a sudden. Eric leaps onto its body and stabs the sword into its chest. It dies.]
Butters: [looks through the window] Hey look, Eric killed a dragon.
Clyde: [opens the front door] He's the most awesome kid in school!
Wendy: And he's not fat at all.
Cartman: Thanks you guys!
Scene Description: Back to the present.
Cartman: Nnnope. No, I definitely helped write the joke. All I can hope is Jimmy doesn't try and Jew me over.
Scene Description: Kanye's mansion, living room. He's written down some more stuff and made more connections on the whiteboard.
Kanye: Is it perhaps that I'm fashionable, and fishsticks are crunchy?
Aide 2: Yo Kanye, KANYE! We found him money.
Kanye: Found who?
Aide 2: You told us to track down whoever started the whole fishstick thang. We found out who, dawg.
Mencia: [tied down to a chair in Kanye's study, his voice shaking] Come on, maaaan. What is this, maaaan? What the fuck is goin' on maaaan? [Kanye enters the room. His entourage makes way] Oh fuck maaaan, Kanye Wehhst? Noo shiiit maaan, okay look it wasn't me. I didn't really start the fishstick thing, alriight?
Kanye: You're just sayin' that now 'cause you're scared.
Mencia: No man it's truuue. I stole it maaan. I took credit for it 'cause I'm not actually funneee. Come on, maaan, do you know what it's like? Being a comedian but not being funneee? Come on, Kanye, I just take jokes and repackage them with a Mexican accent, maaan.
Kanye: Think you can make fun of me? I'm a genius! I'm the voice of a generation! What are you?!
Mencia: Nothing! Look at me maaan. I'm not funny, I steal jokes, my dick don't work maaan. I got to piss in a plastic bag, man, I got no dick.
Kanye: I ain't gonna hurt you. I pay people to do that for me.
Mencia: Awww shih oh no man, come on, I got no dick, man! [Kanye's men whip out their own back and start whacking Mencia all over. His right hand gets broken, his left shin bleeds. The men stop as Kanye approaches him]
Kanye: [in Mencia's face] Now, explain it to me. Why do people think I'm a gay fish?
Mencia: 'Cause... 'cause you like fish dicks, man. Come on, maaan. Don't you get it? Please, just get it, maaan.
Kanye: Why- Look at me, look at me! [Mencia manages to look at him] I love fishsticks. I love putting fishsticks in my mouth. [waits a while for an answer]
Mencia: You're a- ...you're a gay fish, maaan. [Kanye backs up, swings at Mencia and decapitates him, leaving his head hanging from his body by some skin]
Scene Description: Ellen.
Ellen DeGeneres: Thank you, thank you very much. Well, about a week ago our country was blessed with the fishsticks joke. And ever since then us comedians have been kicking ourselves for not thinking of it. [the audience laughs] But today we have with us the true creators of the fishsticks joke. Please welcome the comedy team of Cartman and Valmer. [Cartman and Jimmy go onstage and sit on the couch facing Ellen] Hey guys!
Cartman: Hi Ellen. [to the audience] Do you guys like fishsticks? [the audience laughs] Thank you, thank you. No, really. Thank you.
Ellen: So guys, I gotta ask: how did you come up with this incredible joke?
Jimmy: It was just a-
Cartman: Ellen, comedy is like a game of racquetball, you know? You serve, and the other person hits it back. It bounces off the wall, you backhand it. And it goes back and forth and back and forth and then hopefully you've got a good joke. Thank you.
Ellen: But guys, this joke is so... perfect. Can you explain how nobody thought of it before?
Jimmy: Well Ellen, the tr- tr- tr-
Cartman: Truth of the matter is that there has never really been a team like us before. I mean let's be perfectly honest: a lot of people wouldn't work with someone who's disabled. But I see past that. I look beyond Jimmy's disabilities and find ...a bond which can unite us in comedy. Working with crippled people is really ...important. [the audience applauds and cheers]
Ellen: That's so great. And, and are you crying, Jimmy?
Jimmy: Yes Ma'am. [the best and worst of times for him]
Cartman: Ahaw don't cry, pal. You're gonna get me started. Anyway, what was really important for us as a team, Ellen, was to make sure that everyone knew that we came up with the joke, and not Carlos Butthole Mencia.
Ellen: I see. And did you know that Carlos Mencia was found dead in his house this morning with fishsticks stuffed down his open neck hole? [Jimmy and Cartman are alarmed]
Cartman: Uhhh excuse me? [the crowd gets rowdy.]
Scene Description: Kanye's mansion. He was looking at the show with bat in hand...
Kanye: Get my jet ready. Looks like we got another inning to play. [walks up to the wall-mounted TV and smashes it with the bat.]
Scene Description: Jimmy's house, day, Jimmy's room. Cartman and Jimmy enter, with Jimmy still distraught.
Cartman: Alright, so check it out: We've got offers from Van de Kamp's and Gorton's Fisherman to do commercials.
Jimmy: It's always been my dream to go on a national TV show and talk about the c-c-craft of comedy.
Cartman: Yeah, that was kewl huh?
Jimmy: Eric, there's something I really need to know.
Cartman: Whassat?
Jimmy: How do you live with yourself? You know you had nothing to do with the fishsticks joke. [Cartman gets worried] But you just keep pretending. How do you look at yourself in the f-f-fucking mirror?! That's what I want to know!
Cartman: So... here it is.
Jimmy: How do you take credit for something you didn't do?!
Cartman: That is bullcrap Jimmy, and you know it! I had just as much to do with the fishsticks joke as you did! [Kanye kicks the bedroom door open and enters the room. His men pour in and start smashing the furniture apart] Dude, it's Puff Daddy!
Kanye: Tie up these motherfuckers! [cut to the next scene, in which Kanye swings at a lamp and shatters it, then looks at his hostages] Now I'm gonna ask you motherfuckers one more time: why did you start these rumors about me?!
Jimmy: Please, I wasn't starting rumors about you. I don't even know who you are.
Kanye: Aw right. Everyone knows who I am! I wanna know how this got started!
Jimmy: Well, we, we were just talking about ideas for jokes and then-
Cartman: Oh, so now it's we, huh Jimmy? A minute ago you said you did it all yourself!
Jimmy: Well I just but I buh I was, gonna ebeh-
Cartman: Abebeh, abebebebebeah! We both came up with it together! You wanna know how it happened?!
Scene Description: The fourth recollection. Cartman enters Jimmy's house in a rather nice outfit and sunglasses.
Cartman: Hello Jim.
Jimmy: Oh boy! It's my best pal, Eric!
Cartman: [moves the glasses back over his cap] What are you up to?
Jimmy: I'm trying to write jokes. But I'm not as funny as you, so it's tough.
Cartman: Well, maybe I can help you. We can team up. [goes for a chair]
Jimmy: Ruh really? Wow, you would help me even though I'm crippled. You are caring and not fat. [hands his joke sheet to Cartman as Cartman brings the chair over and sits next to him]
Cartman: Now let's see, how about a joke that has something to do with... fishsticks. You know, 'cause fishsticks sounds like fish dicks, Jimmy.
Sarah: [brings in a plate of potato chips] Eric Cartman, you are handsome and not even remotely fat.
Cartman: Thanks. [Sarah walks away] So, what I'm thinking is, "Do you like fishsticks in your mouth?" [something crashes into the house, making it shake violently. Jimmy and Cartman look around.]
Jimmy: What was that? [Butters opens the door and steps in]
Butters: Eric! Eric, you have to save us! An entire army of Jew robots! [outside, everyone scatters as robots march down the street firing off semiautomatic weapons. Cartman runs out to see what's happening. Butters and Jimmy follow right behind. Officer Barbrady and Mayor McDaniels look on helplessly]
Cartman: Oh my God, what are Jewbots doing here? [takes off his glasses] Flame on! [becomes engulfed in flames and flies into the air. He then sends streams of flames at the robots, destroying them instantly. He flies back down to his starting point] Flame off! [the flames disappear. Other fourth graders appear: Annie, Millie, Red, Clyde, Token and Wendy]
Wendy: You saved everyone from the Jewbots, Cartman.
Cartman: Come on, Jimmy, we gotta go back and finish that joke! [runs in and finishes the joke in a flourish. Jimmy walks in] "Like fishsticks in your mouth? What are you a gay fish?" There! [other kids look in]
Jimmy: Wow Eric, in-credible! Too bad I'm a dick and I'm gonna take all the credit. Su-su-suck it, bitch!
Scene Description: Back to the present.
Cartman: Aw dammit! I guess it really was all me who came up with it.
Jimmy: What?!
Cartman: You've gotta let Jimmy go, it's all my fault.
Jimmy: Jesus Eric, he's gonna kill you! You won't even admit it was just me, knowing you're gonna die?
Cartman: Jimmy, you really believe that you came up with it all on your own? Oh my God, wait. I totally get it now.
Kanye: What? I, I still don't get anything.
Cartman: All this time I've been mad at you, Jimmy, for trying to take all the credit, but, now I realize it's just that your ego has made you believe things happened differently. That's what Kyle was trying to tell me. That you have such a huge ego you do these mental gymnastics to make yourself a part of things.
Jimmy: Rih, r-r-really?
Cartman: I thought you were just trying to Jew me out of my part of the credit, but now I realize that... some people just have egos that are so out of whack that no matter what people tell them, they can't accept the truth of who they are. [Kanye looks as if Cartman is talking about him] Jimmy, I owe you an apology. I realize now you can't help believing you created the entire joke, because your ego won't let you think otherwise. I just have to accept that.
Jimmy: Thanks, Eric, for being so understanding.
Kanye: He's right. For so long I've considered myself God's gift to the world that I couldn't take it when people made fun of me. But they weren't makin' fun of me. They were tryin' to help me. [walks up to the boys and genuflects before them] Boys I understand what you did now. [to his men] Untie them guys. I know what I have to do.
Scene Description: The Santa Monica Pier, furthest point from land. Kanye stands at the edge of the pier ready to jump in.
Aide 2: Yo Kanye! You sure about this?
Kanye: It's time for me to stop runnin'. I need to believe what people tell me. [turns and faces his entourage.] Let all my fans know I love 'em, but a gay fish just can't live in the outside world forever. Don't be sad for me guys! [turns around, runs, and dives into the ocean below] I'm goin' home! [his crew looks down into the water as Kanye begins swimming in his new environment]
Scene Description: The waters off Santa Monica Beach. Kanye is swimming among the fish as a song begins...
Kanye: (Uh. Come on.) I've been so lonely, girl, I've been so sad and down. Couldn't understand why haters joked around I wanted to be free with other creatures like me And now I got my wish... 'Cuz I know that I'm a gay fish gay fish (Gay fish, yo) Motherfuckin' gay fish gay fish (I'm a fish, yo) Going on a gay fish gay fish (it's alright, girl) Makin' love to other gay fish gay fish (Unh) All those lonely nights at the grocery store In the frozen fish aisle feeling like a whore  'Cuz I wasn't being true even though everyone said That I had to make a switch (gay fish)... Now I know that I'm a gay fish gay fish (Gay fish, yo) Motherfuckin' gay fish gay fish (I'm a, I'm a fish, yo) Going on a gay fish gay fish (Yes, now where I belong, girl) Making love to other gay fish.
Scene Description: During the song, the following happens: Kanye begins to swim like a fish. He spots a yellow fish and lets it circle him a few times. He then hugs it and takes it to the surface. He then gives it a French kiss, then flips backwards into the water with it. He swims again, alone, when a large fish begins to follow him. He notices, swims to it, and begins to rub against it. Then he just swims with it, hugging its belly.