Scene Description: South Park, city sidewalk, day. Stan, Cartman and Kyle head for a bright, colorful store called "Lolly's Candy Factory." Cartman carries three buckets: two on his back, supported by a crossbar, and a huge one on his head. The proprietor, Lolly, opens the door and sets a sign so it reads "OPEN," thus starting his business day. On his red apron is a large yellow lollipop with "LOLLY" printed over it. The boys stop and look.
Lolly: [notices the kids and straightens up] Oh, hello there, kids! Welcome to Lolly's Candy Shop.
Stan: We're the kids whose names you called on your commercial last night. We're here to do the shopping spree!
Lolly: Oh that's great!
Cartman: You bet your fat clown ass it is!
Lolly: Okay! Well I'll just need your ticket stub.
Cartman: [the boys' jaws drop a bit] ...ticket stub?
Lolly: You know. When you entered the contest you got the other half of this ticket. [display the store's half of the ticket]
Stan: Oh shit. Who had the ticket stub?
Kyle: It was such a long time ago!
Cartman: Wu-we don't really "need" the ticket stub, do we?
Lolly: Don't need the ticket stub?? Are you high?? How else do I know you're the winners?
Stan: Because our names were called on the commercial last night!
Lolly: Sh-orry boys. No ticket stub, no candy shopping spree. If you find it, you can come back, but you only have one week to claim the prize. That's called "The Ticking Clock." Works great in the movies. [steps backwards into the store and closes the door. The boys look at the door for a few seconds, then Cartman turns and steps forward]
Cartman: [drops the buckets] GODDAMMIT!!!
Stan: We've gotta find that ticket!
Kyle: Which one of us took it?! It was so long ago, I c- I can't remember.
Cartman: You guys we've got to focus! We've got to focus, and remember. [Zoom in on Cartman, who starts remembering...]
Scene Description: Lolly's Candy Factory, over a year ago. Kenny is still alive back then.
Lolly: [hands a ticket stub to Stan] All right. There you go. Hold on to that ticket stub. You'll need it to claim your prize. [looks at the rest of the store] Sign up for the five-minute shopping spree!! [walks off]
Stan: [hands the stub to Cartman] You hold on to this, Cartman. I might lose it.
Cartman: [takes it, then hands it to Kyle] Nah, I'll lose it for sure. You keep track of it, Kyle.
Kyle: Okay. [takes it, then has second thoughts] N-no, ah I don't want that much responsibility. Here, you hold on to it, Kenny. [hands the stub to Kenny]
Kenny: (Okay.) [takes it and pockets it]
Scene Description: Back to the present. The boys realize Kenny was the last to hold the stub as their mouths open.
Cartman: [bolts away] Kenny!!!
Stan, Kyle: [following quickly] AAAHHH!! [the buckets stay on the ground and the boys rush to Kenny's house]
Scene Description: Kenny's house, later. The boys arrive gasping for air and Kyle rings the doorbell.
Stuart: [opens the door] Yes?
Stan: Where's Kenny??
Stuart: Uh... boys... Kenny died ...last December. Don't you remember?
Kyle: We know he's dead. We mean, where is his body??
Carol: His body? Well, why??
Cartman: Because he has the God-damned ticket for the-!
Stan: [shuts Cartman up quick and stumbles for words] Uh, look. We just really miss our friend and, ah, andand we need to see his remains for closure.
Kyle: Yeah. Closure.
Cartman: [muffled] What the fuck is closure?!
Carol: Oh all right boys. Come on in. [the boys follow the McCormicks in]
Scene Description: Kenny's house, inside. The boys follow the parents through the house.
Stuart: We haven't seen you boys for so long, we thought you'd forgotten all about him.
Carol: Here he is, boys. Our dear little Kenny. [an urn is shown, with pictures of Kenny on either side of it.]
Cartman: You turned him into a teapot?
Stuart: No. That's an urn, boys. Kenny's inside it.
Carol: Your friends are here to see you, Kenny. [picks up the urn and caresses it.] They miss you an awful lot, like we all do. [starts crying]
Stuart: Thang-thanks for coming by, boys. Ih-ih, it means a lot to us. [turns to his wife and consoles her] Aw now, honey. [joins her in sobbing]
Scene Description: Kenny's house, nighttime, living room. A circle appears on a window and that piece of window is removed. Cartman sets the circle down and looks around. He reaches up to open the window latch, then opens the window door. He slips in and goes for the urn. He pulls out a fake detector and moves it around.
Cartman: Wewewewewewe...
Stan: [climbs up to the window and looks in] Did you get it? [Kyle climbs up next to him]
Cartman: Hold on, I'm checking for robot guards. [resumes the detection] Wewewewewewe...
Kyle: There's not gonna be any robot guards, retard! Just get Kenny! [Cartman looks back at the boys angrily, gets Kenny's urn, and climbs back out the window. Seconds later, a robot guard does indeed move through the living room...]
Robot Guard: Wewewewewewe...
Scene Description: Cartman's house, night, kitchen. The boys rush to the counter and climb up on the stools.
Kyle: Alright, we made it!
Stan: Kenny'd better have the ticket stub with him in there!
Kyle: Let him out, Cartman! [Cartman opens the urn and the boys duck]
Cartman: ...Kenny? [the boys lose their fear and rise up to look at the urn] Kenny?!
Kyle: Is he in there?
Stan: I can't see. [Cartman pours out the ashes and the boys sneeze from the fine powder until it dissipates. Some ash smudges remain on their faces.]
Cartman: What the hell is this?! Chocolate milk mix?!
Kyle: I knew Kenny couldn't fit in that tea pot! [Cartman samples the ashes]
Stan: It was a trick!
Cartman: God-damnit! This isn't even GOOD chocolate milk mix!
Stan: Kenny's parents must be laughing pretty hard about now! We're dumb enough to believe Kenny's body could be in a teapot!
Kyle: Why would they play such a cruel joke on us?
Cartman: Egh, because they're poor, Kyle! Poor people don't have anything better to do than piss other people off! Don't you watch Springer?!
Stan: We just have to face it. We're not gonna get Kenny back and we're not gonna have our shopping spree. It's over! [gets off his stool and walks away.]
Kyle: Goddamnit! There has to be a way! [leaves his stool and follows Stan out. Cartman looks at the ashes, then thinks of something]
Cartman: Hmmm. [leaves his stool and returns with some milk, a glass, and a spoon. He scoops up some ashes and drops them into the glass. He pours the milk onto the ashes, stirs them up, and drinks the milk ] Hmm, not bad. [scoops some more ashes into the milk]
Scene Description: Cartman's room, night. The empty glass sits on his nightstand. The camera zooms out to show Cartman sleeping with Clyde Frog. Cartman tosses in his bed and his dream appears. A circle appears. Outside of the circle is a lining to a jacket. Inside is someone's point of view. The surroundings seen in that circle indicates that this is Kenny's point of view. Kenny seems to be walking around in his own room. Kenny's arm appears and opens the door, and Kenny's mom appears at the end of the hall.
Carol: Hurry up, Kenny! You're gonna be late for school! [the dream ends abruptly]
Cartman: [sits up, eyes wide open] Huh! ... I don't think that chocolate milk mix agreed with my stomach. [growls a bit, turns to sleep, and farts. The door flies open and Stan and Kyle rush in]
Stan: Cartman, come on!
Cartman: [sits up again] What what? [sees who it is] Jesus, you buttholes! It's six in the morning!
Stan: Kyle figured out a way to get our winning ticket stub back from Kenny!
Cartman: How?
Kyle: A ladder to heaven. [unfolds some blueprints] We build it, climb up, and get our winning ticket back from that asshole Kenny.
Scene Description: Stan's house, day. The blueprints are in place on an easel. The design is a slender tower rising some 120 feet into the sky. The camera pulls back to show the boys hammering boards into place. Stan's parents step outside to see the construction.
Randy: Hey, if you boys are building a clubhouse you should start with the floor.
Stan: [going for some more wood] We're not building a clubhouse, we're building a ladder to heaven.
Randy: A ladder to heaven? Why, son?
Stan: Because we wanna see Kenny again. [heaves a piece of wood back to the tower]
Sharon: [after a moment of though] Oh... oh, that's so sweet.
Randy: That's the ...s-s-saddest thing I've ever heard.
Jimbo: [approaching] Hey Randy, can I borrow your uh... [sees the boys' activity] What the hell are they doing?
Randy: The boys wanna see their dead friend Kenny again, Jimbo, so they're... building a ladder to heaven.
Jimbo: Awwww.
Sheila: [arriving with Gerald] Kyle, I think you've bothered the Marshes enough.
Randy: No, it's... alright, Sheila. The boys were just... building a ladder to heaven to see their old friend, Kenny.
Gerald: A ladder tuh... Oh... oh God. [begins to sob]
Sheila: Oh, that's so touching. [begins to sob. All the adults begin to cry. The boys continue building]
Scene Description: Behind Stan's house, day. A reporter has arrived and now begins his report.
Field reporter: Tom, I'm standing in South Park, Colorado, where last December, eight-year-old Kenny McCormick died of a terminal illness. But now, that little boy's three closest friends miss their friend so much that they are building a ladder to heaven, in order to- [chokes as the camera reaches the tower, then gathers himself] a ladder to heaven in order to try to see him again. [sighs] It's so sad and yet so beautiful, Tom. Here's what some people had to say.
Randy: Well, our son just said to us that he really needed to see his little friend Kenny again and... and that he thought it would work... [begins to break down] if he... built the ladder to heaven.
Sheila: [sobbing] They just believe in their little hearts that it will work. We can't tell them it won't, we just can't!
Jimbo: [wistful] It shows how beautiful the innocence of a child really is. [starts sobbing. Other people are show crying: Marietta Kitchin, Carrie Ayers & Steve Stegman]
Mr. Garrison: A ladder to heaven? That's fuckin' stupid.
Mayor McDaniels: [sobbing with her aides] These boys symbolize how we all feel about loss. Who are we to tell them it's impossible?
Field reporter: Tom, people from all over the- [chokes] Sorry. [gets back on track] People from all over the country are coming to see the ladder, feeling a connection to its symbolism, and beauty. Even country singer Alan Jackson has shown up with a song he has written about the ladder. [camera pulls back to show Jackson to the reporter's left, strumming a guitar] Alan Jackson is, of course, the man who wrote the song, "Where Were You When the World Stopped Turning," about the tragedies on September 11. And now he's here once again to capitalize on people's emotions. Let's listen in. [focus shifts to Jackson]
Alan Jackson: Where were you when they built the ladder to heaven? Did it make you feel like cryin', or did you think it was kind of gay?
Townsman: What a beautiful song. [the boys look down at Jackson]
Alan Jackson: Well I, for one, believe in the ladder to heaven. Oh yeah yeah yeah. 9-11 [the townsfolk begin to cry] I said 9-11, 9-11, 9-11, Ni-hi, hi-hine___ Eleven. Thank you! I have a new CD out with all my 9-11 songs for sale right here! [the crowd rushes in to get copies of the CD. Jackson is pleased at the interest. The boys resume their construction. Stan and Kyle are hammering away at the top of the ladder. Cartman hustles up the ladder with a car seat]
Kyle: Oh good! Cartman's back from the junkyard.
Cartman: I found this car seat in Mr. Garrison's car. [hands it to the other two boys, who put it in place]
Stan: Mr. Garrison threw away his car?
Cartman: ...No. [the boys let the seat drop] Ey! Euuugh.
Scene Description: Flashback #2 - resumes where the first one left off. Kenny seems to be walking around in his own room. Kenny's arm appears and opens the door, and Kenny's mom appears at the end of the hall.
Carol: Hurry up, Kenny! You're gonna be late for school! [the dream ends abruptly]
Stuart: Kenny, do you by any chance know what happened to my Playboys? [shows Kenny a centerfold, which shows a circle where the centerfold's crotch should be. He lifts the centerfold high enough to look through the hole] Kenny?! Answer me!! [back to the present - Cartman looks dazed]
Kyle: Cartman? Cartman?!
Cartman: [startled] Wha-uh, what?? What?
Kyle: Dude, what the hell's wrong with you?!
Cartman: I don't know. It's like my brain just keeps... jacking off.
Kyle: Maybe you got brain cancer.
Cartman: Do you think?
Stan: Don't get cancer on the ladder, Cartman! You're gonna fall off and break it!
Scene Description: SNN newscast. Graphics are shown indicating 74% of Americans believe in the ladder.
SNN reporter: The nation is rallying behind three sweet boys in Colorado who are building a ladder to heaven to be with their dead friend. [a picture of the boys on the ladder is shown] It's making Americans start to believe in heaven, again. [next segment has the reporter out on the street]
Woman 1: Well when I see how this ladder has brought people together, how... how it has changed America, I mean, how can I not believe?
SNN reporter: [off screen] Ha do YOU actually believe in the ladder to heaven?
Fat man: If... heaven is an eight-year-old boy, and the ladder is my penis... [the camera moves away quickly, but the man keeps up] and the pearly gates are the- [static... the camera pulls back to show the reporter back at the desk, holding a TV status pattern on paper and hissing. He notices the camera and stops, putting the pattern down]
SNN reporter: Uh, meanwhile, the American economy cont- [gets some breaking news over his headset] wait. Wait. Wait a minute. We are getting reports now that Japan is building their own ladder to heaven to compete with the US's. Let's go live to SNN correspondent Nobuhiro Sabasurisurijuwa.
SNN correspondent: This is a Nobunaga Hiroichi reporting rive from Tokyo, where Japan has started buirding its own radder to hayben. [the tower is shown with klieg lights bathing it in light] Ahready, the Japanese radder extend faaar into space [the ladder is now high enough for a space shuttle to park by and astronauts come out to work on it] and it's growing by a-one thousand miles every day. [back on the ground...] As the endeavor continues it is becoming clear that Japan will reach a-hayben before the United States. [a raspberry follows]
Scene Description: South Park, just past sunset. The neighbors have gathered around the ladder in Stan's back yard and are now singing.
Neighbors: Nahurabo Nahurabo
Stan: Excuse me. ["Nahurabo"] Excuse me! ["Nahurabo"] Uh, we ran out of stuff. [the singing abruptly stops] We ran out of stuff to build the ladder with.
Man 1: Oh no!
Woman 2: Oh Jesus, no!
Alan Jackson: Where were you when they ran out of stuff to build the ladder to heaven?
Stan: We can keep going, but we need to start tearing down houses for wood.
Randy: [raises his arms high] No! Agh, look, I, I think maybe this has gone on far enough.
Gerald: Yeah... Ih it's time we told the boys the truth, that they aren't really going to get to heaven. [a truck is heard arriving]
Man 2: [at the back, by the fence] Wait! Look! [a fleet of trucks, cars, and jeeps converge on the road outside the house]
General: We've come to help you beat those Japs, boys! [behind him, military personnel bring out ladders and other construction equipment] There won't be anyone stopping this great ladder from being built today! [the crowd cheers wildly. The boys' parents are dumbstruck] Alpha Team! Get that support structure up! Ciranom's Team! Get us photos and recon! [the teams set about their duties]
Soldiers: Yes sir!
Alan Jackson: Where were you when they saved that ladder to heaven?
Kyle: [with Cartman at the top of the ladder] Man, I can't believe how much people want us to get our winning ticket back.
Cartman: Candy-shopping sprees have that effect on people, Kyle.
Scene Description: South Park, next day. The boys resume building the ladder, and they almost break through the cloud above them. Stan is the first to peer over the clouds. Kyle soon joins him.
Kyle: Do you see anything?
Stan: No. Hello?? Kenny?? God??
Kyle: Grandma??
Cartman: [joins the other two boys, grunting as he gets into position] Aw, don't tell me we haven't even reached the cloud city yet!
Stan: No cloud city, not even a giant. Heaven must still be a long way off.
Cartman: Alright, look. I didn't wanna have to say this, but I think maybe we're not seeing heaven because one of us doesn't believe in it enough.
Kyle: Huh?
Cartman: Heaven could be like the pixie faeries of Bubble Yum Forest. You only see them if you really believe in them.
Stan: What??
Cartman: You know, maybe we're not seeing heaven because one of us is a J-O-O.
Kyle: [processes the comment] What does me being a Jew have to do with anything?!
Cartman: Because Jews don't believe in heaven!
Kyle: Yes we do! Just not the Christian heaven!
Cartman: Right. Your idea of heaven is getting five dollars off your matzah ball soup at Barney's Beanery by lying about a hair in it.
Kyle: HAAHH!!! [smacks Cartman on the side of the face with his left fist]
Cartman: AH! [stunned, he has another flashback. A heartbeat is heard]
Scene Description: Flashback #2 - Kenny arrives at the bus stop.
Kyle: Hey Kenny.
Stan: Hey Kenny.
Kenny: (We can watch it at my house.)
Cartman: In the ghetto, in the ghetto. He's a boy wearing orange, who's losing his pride, 'cause Kenny and his whole family reside in the ghetto, in the ghetto
Kenny: [points an accusing finger at Cartman] (Shut up, Cartman, you blood-belching vagina!)
Cartman: What did you say?!
Kenny: (I said, Shut up, Cartman, you blood-belching vagina!)
Cartman: What did you say?!
Cartman: [in the present] I said "Shut up, Cartman, you blood-belching vagina!" [opens his eyes and looks around] Did I just call myself a blood-belching vagina?
Stan: Dude, what the hell is wrong with you??
Cartman: I dunno, I just, I keep feeling like I'm Kenny. Seeing memories through his eyes.
Kyle: You're too fat to be Kenny.
Cartman: [amid his thoughts] You're a- stupid Jew.
Stan: Let's just keep building. We only have five more days until the shopping spree.
Scene Description: The White House, Washington D.C., moments later. George Bush arrives at the Oval Office and takes his seat at the executive desk.
Bush: Alright, how's the ladder going, General? Are we beating the Japanese?
General: Not quite, but we have a new problem, Mr. President. Our recon team on the ladder just found new evidence of threats... from Saddam Hussein.
Bush: Saddam Hussein? But... we killed him! We secretly took him out months ago!
General: Yes sir. And now we believe he's building weapons of mass destruction... in heaven.
Bush: Dear Christ, that sonofabitch just doesn't stop!
General: [flips a page on an easel, showing another page with three identical photos] These surveillance photos were taken atop the ladder of what appears to be heaven. [points out an encircled object in the center photo] Here we see what we believe to be a missile silo. And here [points out an encircled object in the lower photo] we see what looks like a laboratory of some sort for making chemical weapons.
Dick Cheney: That... kinda looks like a seagull.
General: Yes. It could be a laboratory disguised as a seagull.
Bush: That tricky bastard!
General: Sir, you must understand our fears. We must take out those facilities. We must... [close-up] bomb heaven!
Scene Description: SNN newsroom, new poll.
SNN reporter: SNN Question of the Day: Now that Americans believe in heaven, should we bomb it? The polls right now show that 51% of Americans think Saddam has to be dealt with, while 49% are wimpy tree-hugging pussies.
War protester: [in tie-dye shirt, waving a "No War On Heaven" sign] War is not my voice! This country is just run by rednecks and bumpkins with their guns!
Redneck: [with baby dangling from the left hand, rifle firmly in the right hand] We have to take Saddam out to protect ourselves.
Fat man: I, for one, believe that if Saddam Hussein were an eight-year-old boy, and my penis were the United States... [the mic is retracted] then there would- [the cameraman tries to avoid the man, but nope] hard nipples!
SNN reporter: [back in the newsroom] God-damnit! [holds up the snow pattern and hisses]
Scene Description: News 4 field report.
Field reporter: Tom, it's been five days since three sweet boys set out to build a ladder to heaven and capture the nation's hearts. They've made a nation believe heaven might be up there. And it could prove to be a threat to our country. President Bush will seek UN approval for military action.
Scene Description: The Marsh home, day. The boys' ladder is seen rising above the house, in the backyard. In the dining room, the boys' parents sit opposite the boys at the table.
Randy: Boys, it's really neat that you want to see your old pal Kenny so much but...
Gerald: But it's time for you to get back to school and on with your lives.
Stan: No, we have to see Kenny!
Sharon: You have to understand that Kenny's body isn't up in the clouds. He was cremated.
Stan: Cremated? What's that?
Randy: When you die, your body is put into a broiling oven and cooked until you're nothing but ashes. [the boys are alarmed]
Kyle: What?? For God's sake, why??
Sheila: [half-annoyed] Kyle, it's just what some people do.
Kyle: Are you gonna burn me?
Gerald: Kyle, that's not the issue right now.
Kyle: Jesus Christ!
Randy: The person's ashes are put into an urn, and that's where Kenny's body is.
Carol: You see boys, Kenny is in here. [opens the urn and pours out the contents, which are white now. Carol notices] What the??? [looks inside the urn] Wait a minute! This is kitty litter!
Cartman: [resigned, comes clean] Alright, alright, I drank the chocolate milk mix and replaced it with kitty litter.
Stuart: You WHAT??
Stan: Dude, don't you know what this means? You drank Kenny!
Cartman: [knowingly] Shut up!
Kyle: You did, dude! You drank his whole body!
Cartman: [knowingly] Shut up!
Carol: Oh my God! This is awful! [starts moving away. The other adults follow] And disgusting!
Liane: [stops and looks at Cartman] Bad, Eric, bad! [moves away]
Cartman: That explains it. Why I'm having Kenny's memories all the time. His soul is inside me.
Stan: Well, so much for our winning ticket. Cartman probably drank that with the rest of Kenny! [leaves the table]
Kyle: Yeah. Good job, fatass! [leaves the table]
Cartman: I can't live like this. I, I have to find a place where they remove living souls from your body.
Scene Description: Day, Unplanned Parenthood, a place where they remove living souls from a pregnant woman's body, if you believe fetuses have souls... Cartman speaks to the nurse, who is sitting behind a desk writing absentmindedly.
Cartman: Looks like I've come to the right place.
Nurse: Can I help you?
Cartman: Yes, hello. I have a living thing inside of me that I need sucked out, please.
Nurse: You'll have to make an appointment; the charge is two hundred and thirty dollars.
Cartman: Two hundred and thirty dollars?? I just want you to vacuum him out of me and not put him up in a condominium! [a woman and her boyfriend enter the clinic. The woman sobs]
Boyfriend: It's gonna be okay, babe.
Cartman: Listen, lady! You've got to get this crap out of me! [the woman can't believe what she's hearing] I don't want him in me anymore! Just suck him up and throw him out!
Woman: Oh Steven, I can't go through with this! I have to keep it! [walks away from the clinic]
Steven: Damnit! Damnit! [turns and walks off, then looks back in] Thanks a lot, kid! [throws a rock at Cartman]
Cartman: Eh! [becomes catatonic once more, and another flashback comes]
Scene Description: The scene is the sidewalk. Stan, Cartman and Kyle run up to Kenny.
Cartman: Kenny! Kenny! Kenny...
Stan: Kenny! Lolly's Candy Land is giving away a shopping spree! [the last few words echo a few times]
Kyle: We're all gonna pitch in on an entry! [the last few words echo a few times. Fast forward to the day the boys are at Lolly's]
Lolly: Alright! [rips a ticket in half and hands the stub to Stan] There you go. Hold on to that ticket stub. [the last few words echo a few times. He gives the ticket to Stan and walks off]
Stan: [hands the stub to Cartman] Hold on to this, Cartman. I might lose it. [the last few words echo a few times]
Cartman: [takes it, then hands it to Kyle] Nah, I'll lose it for sure. You keep track of it, Kyle, of it, Kyle, of it Kyle...
Kyle: Okay. [takes it, then has second thoughts] N-no, ah I don't want that much responsibility-bility. Here, you hold on to it, Kenny. [the last word echoes a few times. He hands the stub to Kenny]
Kenny: (Okay!) [the word echoes a few times. He takes it and pockets it. Fast forward to some time later, on the sidewalk]
Cartman: You'd better not lose that ticket, Kenny, or else I'll kick you in the nuts! The nuts! The nuts! [fast forward to Kenny's room. He walks to a locked box by the window while looking at the ticket stub. He unlocks it, puts the ticket in, and locks the box again.]
Scene Description: Back to the present. Cartman comes to and knows where to go.
Cartman: The ticket! Kenny didn't have it on him when he died! He put it away somewhere! [walks up to a couple filling out paperwork] Don't you see? I can still have my candy shopping spree! Oh my God! [heads out the door] You guys! YOU GUYS!!
Scene Description: The United Nations, day. In the main hall President Bush is speaking to the Assembly.
Bush: Ladies and gentlemen of the UN, we have evidence that Saddam Hussein is up there building weapons of mass destruction. [shows a picture of the ladder and another one of the clouds. Both pictures have areas circled in] We have tried to communicate with Saddam through a psychic to ask him to let us see his warehouses in heaven. But he has not "re-spond-ed".
Indian ambassador: Of course he has not responded, because he's DEAD!
Bush: Right. Dead, and in heaven.
Ambassador #1: This is preposterous! Even if there was a heaven, what makes you think Saddam Hussein's soul would be sent there?
Bush: Our intelligence tells us that when Saddam was originally killed, his soul actually went to hell. But while in hell he began a homosexual relationship with Satan, the Prince of Darkness. Satan, however, decided he didn't want to be with Hussein anymore and broke up with him around August. [the French Ambassador has tuned out] When Saddam became jealous and tried to kill Satan's new lover, Chris, Satan had Saddam sent to heaven to live with Mormons as a punishment. [the assembly is overcome with silence] Questions? [more silence. An ambassador raises his hand] Yes?
Ambassador #2: Are you high, or just incredibly stupid?
Bush: I assure you, I am not high.
Scene Description: South Park, day. A tower has gone up around the ladder at the Marsh house. Helicopters and cranes hoist. On the ground Stan and Kyle sit on some lumber watching the military take over the construction. Cartman runs up to them.
Cartman: You guys! You guys! I saw the ticket! [Stan and Kyle rise and line up on either side of Cartman]
Kyle: What do you mean, fatass?
Cartman: I just had another vision, you buttholes. Kenny didn't keep the ticket with him, he put it away somewhere.
Stan: Where??
Cartman: I don't know. I got conked in the head down at the abortion clinic [Kyle looks down at the lumber, then looks at the pile behind him] and I clearly saw Kenny putting the ticket in a little red box. [Kyle fishes around for a small solid piece of lumber, then finds one and aims it at Cartman's head] I just have to wait for another vision to come. I could clearly see through Ken- [thunk] AY! [is dazed for a bit, then recovers none too pleased, then glares at Kyle]
Kyle: Do you see anything?
Cartman: Yes, Kyle. I see a DEAD JEW! [starts at Kyle, but Stan holds him back]
Stan: Whoawhoawhoa! Maybe Kyle's right. We gotta spark the vision somehow.
Cartman: Not by giving me brain damage!
Stan: Do you want a candy shopping spree or not?!
Cartman: [stares at Stan, then resigns to his former position] Alright, go ahead. [Kyle rears back and swings... thunk] AY!... no. [Kyle rears back and swings... thunk] AY!...
Scene Description: Near the back of the house. The neighbors are watching the construction. Sharon and Sheila arrive.
Sharon: Randy! Gerald! We, we were wrong about heaven! The Japanese just reached it with their ladder!
Randy: What? [follows the ladies out with Gerald]
Scene Description: Living room, seconds later.
Sharon: See for yourself!
Scene Description: The SNN Japanese correspondent is on camera.
Nobunaga Hiroichi: This is a Nobunaga Hiroichi reporting rive from hayben. [behind him is a set with clouds hanging from wires. Angels swing into place slowly] The great a-nation of Japan reached a-hayben today about eight o'crock Pacific Standard Time-eh. [one of the angels falls off her rope and hits the ground. The correspondent sees this and moves in front of her to block the shot. Someone enters the shot and plants a Japanese flag among the clouds] Therefore, hayben is now a-decrared an official part of Japan, because we got a-here first. And now for the weather in heaben, let's go to Natsako Semu.
Natsako Semu: Todeh weather in hebon, partry croudy.
Nobunaga: [fairly gloating] That's the news from heben. [the set creaks behind him and falls down, showing the studio.] Dame! Dame da! Bakayarou da!! ["No good! It's no good! Idiots!"]
Scene Description: Living room, seconds later.
Randy: Oh God, and we told our boys they'd never reach heaven.
Gerald: Kids!
Scene Description: Backyard. The crowd in and around the yard is immense now. George Bush and his staff are present.
Bush: Good. As soon as the boys finish their ladder we'll be ready to take Saddam out.
Sharon: Do you really think this is a good idea, Randy?
Randy: If Saddam is building weapons, we have to stop him. With our weapons. [behind the crowd Cartman, Stan and Kyle return with buckets of candy. That conking finally worked]
Stan: Ah, excuse me everyone! Uh, we're not working on the ladder anymore. Thank you, we're done. [everyone turns to look at the boys]
Some guy: Dude.
General: Not working on the ladder? But the Japanese won't let us use theirs.
Kyle: Kenny didn't have the ticket stub. It was in his room. So we got all our candy, and you can all go home.
Randy: Wait, are you saying that you boys only wanted to build a ladder to heaven so you could get some candy??
Cartman: ...I've never heard the words "only" and "candy" in the same sentence before.
Field reporter: But... what about your lost friend? What about your fragile innocence and believing we could all get to heaven?
Stan: Yeah, well people make us kids believe that heaven is this white place with fluffy clouds and angels...
Kyle: Yeah, but now we think maybe heaven isn't a place you can get to, maybe heaven is just an idea. A frame of mind or, or something gay like that. Maybe heaven... is this moment, right now.
General: So, you're saying we should bomb this moment, right now. Right! Johnson!
Johnson: Sir!
Randy: No, no. We shouldn't bomb anybody. These boys are right. The only heaven we can hope for is one here on earth, now. We should stop waiting to get into heaven and start trying to... create it.
Crowd: Awwww. [the crowd begins to disperse and people begin to cry in appreciation]
Bush: [moving off with his staff] And I was dumb enough to believe Saddam could actually be up there buildin' bombs.
Alan Jackson: Where were you when they decided heaven was a more intangible idea 'n you couldn't, you couldn't really get there? [walks up to the boys] You little bastards ruined my latest song! [drives his guitar into the snow, breaking it, then walks away]
Kyle: Well, I'm sure glad this is all over with. Let's go count our candy.
Stan: Yeah. But what about Kenny. His soul is still in Cartman's body.
Cartman: [chuckles] No no, I just drank his memories. I'm not sharing my body with that poor piece of crap. Stop calling me poor, you fat dick! [looks stunned] ...Oh Jesus Christ.
Kyle: Whoa. [shakes Cartman around] Kenny, you in there?
Cartman: Stop it! Where am I, you guys? Oh God! [runs off]
Stan: Dude, come back here! [chases after Cartman]
Kyle: Stop him, Kenny! [follows them off. The camera suddenly pans up]
Scene Description: Heaven. Weapons of mass destruction are seen among the clouds. Saddam is right there shouting directions.
Saddam Hussein: Keep those nitrogen capsules over there by the warheads! Right. Chop-chop. Come on!
God: [a bright beam of light lands on Saddam, who shields his eyes] Saddam. I've been hearing rumors that you're secretly building weapons of mass destruction up here.
Saddam Hussein: Weapons of mass destruction? Nooo! This is a chocolate chip factory. See? [displays boxes of "Saddam's Heavenly Chocolate Chips"]
God: It looks like a chemical weapons plant.
Saddam Hussein: Look, God, if I was gonna secretly build a chemical weapons plant, I wouldn't make it look like a chemical weapons plant, would I? I'd make it look like a chocolate chip factory or something.
God: ...Alright, just checking. [removes the beam of light]
Saddam Hussein: [giggles] Stupid asshole! [goes back to work]


Scene Description: Marsh residence, night. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman stand in the living room in costume.
Stan: O Great Wizard of Gregendath. What quest do you ask of this Ranger and Paladin?
Cartman: Only one thing can save our kingdom. You must bring me: a piece of pecan pie with toffee ice cream and magic shell. Hurry now!
Kyle: That quest sucks, Cartman! Think of another one!
Randy: [entering] Uh, boys, [the boys look up] Butters' parents want to borrow The Lord of the Rings video we rented. Could you take it over to them?
Stan: You're sending us on... a quest? You ask of us to take the one video to the House of Butters?
Randy: Yeah, whatever.
Cartman: It shall be a long journey with many dangers on the way.
Kyle: But if the tape must be brought to the House of Butters, who else can do it?
Stan: [reaches out and receives the tape] Very well, we shall embark on this quest immediately, father! Come, warriors!
Stan, Kyle, Cartman: Ho! [they head out the front door. Randy moves away from the stairs and towards Sharon on the sofa]
Randy: [snuggles up to her] Hmmm, that gets rid of them.
Sharon: Oooh, you're a little frisky, aren't you?
Randy: Yeah, well uh, The Lord of the Rings wasn't the only thing I rented from the video store. [holds up a VHS case] I also rented... a porno.
Sharon: Oho, you little devil.
Randy: [softly, sensually] You wanna go watch?
Scene Description: Neighborhood streets. The boys are well into their quest.
Stan: How shall we journey to the house of Butters? Through the mines of Endor or over the mountains of Grog?
Kyle: [notices something and gasps] Look out! Here comes the great dragon of Perengraph!
Cartman: Don't worry! I am the great wizard Motortart. I can shield us from the dragon's fire. [a car passes by and Cartman fires away at it with his staff]
Stan: Good job, wizard.
Cartman: And so the party journeyed onward: the great Wizard, the skillful Ranger, and the covetous Jew.
Kyle: I'm a Paladin, Cartman!
Cartman: Jews can't be Paladins.
Scene Description: Marsh residence; bedroom. Randy waxes his eyebrows with saliva getting ready for a night of porno. Sharon appears in a ruby lingerie, leans suggestively against the doorway of the master bathroom and runs her finger along the bedroom wall. Randy takes the porno to the TV.
Sharon: Hey there, cowboy.
Randy: [holds up the video and turns to Sharon] You ready for some hot, steamy fun?
Sharon: [smiling, right index finger against her chin] You bet I am.
Randy: The guys at the office told me I had to rent this porno. They said, "this is without a doubt the hottest porno ever made." [puts the video into the player]
Sharon: [now reclining on the bed, running her finger along the bedsheets] Mmm, sounds good.
Randy: I love that lingerie. [opens his nightgown to reveal a purple cod piece, then in a low voice] Yeah. You like that?
Sharon: Mm, yeah baby.
Randy: Yeeaahhh. [reclines on the bed, facing her and holding the remote control] Alright, you ready?
Sharon: Ready.
Randy: Oh, yeah. [they turn to the TV. Randy starts the video]
Narrator: [the video begins. Randy massages Sharon's arm] The story begins in ages past, in the deep regions of Middle-earth, where Scorn first thrived in the kingdom of Gelgelar.
Randy: Aw man, I hate when pornos try to have a story.
Narrator: Seven rings were cast and given to the races of Men.
Randy: Oh yeah. [begins caressing Sharon]
Narrator: Seven, to the races of Elves, five to the gloondock villagers of Gelgendor. [Sharon takes a good look at the video]
Sharon: Wow, the production values are really good in this porno. [Randy takes a look]
Randy: Yeah, it almost looks like... The Lord of the- [jumps up and sits on the bed, aghast] Oh, my God! [quickly rises and turns off the TV, gets the video out, and reads] This is Lord of the Rings!
Sharon: But then that mean..?
Randy: The boys have the hottest porno ever made.
Scene Description: Stotch residence. The boys approach. Kyle knocks, Stephen and Linda open the front door.
Stephen: Oh, hello boys.
Stan: My father has asked that we bring you this copy of Lord of the Rings.
Stephen: Well, thank you very much, kind heroes.
Cartman: Perhaps a reward is in order. Gold? Frankensteincense?
Stephen: Oh, but you are noble heroes. We know our thanks is enough. [closes the door. The boys leave]
Cartman: Man, that's crap.
Scene Description: Basement. Butters is drawing something on paper. His parents descend with video in hand.
Stephen: Butters, [Butters stands up] look what we have for you to watch: The Lord of the Rings.
Butters: [rushes up to meet his parents] Oh, boy! Finally I get to see it!
Linda: Now Daddy and I have to do our taxes, so you can watch this by yourself and not get scared?
Butters: Ah I won't get scared, Mom. Promise!
Stephen: That's our man. Here you go. [hands the tape to Butters, who goes to the VCR and puts the tape in. The parents leave]
Butters: Ooh la lolly! I finally get to see Lord of the Rings. [the video begins to play. A man and a woman are heard]
Evan Stone: [softly] Spank that ass. [a few seconds later, a spanking is heard]
Butters: Whoa. [more sounds from the video] Neat-o. [more sounds, a few spankings] Well, this is good.
Scene Description: Marsh car. Randy drives, Sharon worries. They have donned pajamas and thrown on coats.
Sharon: Oh my God, this is gonna be so embarrassing. "Hi, Chris. Hi, Linda. We were just wondering if we could get our porno back." [buries her face in her right hand]
Randy: Calm down, maybe the boys haven't gotten there yet.
Scene Description: The woods. As Randy and Sharon head for Butters' house, the boys walk home through backwoods.
Cartman: And so the party returns home after completing their great quest.
Stan: The one tape was returned and South Park was again at peace. [a few seconds later some headlights shine on them]
Kyle: Quick! A monster of Rivendell!
Cartman: Prepare for battle! [switch to the car]
Sharon: The boys! [Randy drives up to the boys and stops. Both he and Sharon jump out and rush up to them]
Randy: Boys! Boys! [stops] Where's the videotape?
Stan: We gave it to the parents of Butters as commanded by you.
Sharon: Awgh, I guess we have to go talk to 'em now.
Randy: Well, wait a minute, uhhh, boys, do you think you can go get that tape back for us really fast? [the boys look at each other]
Cartman: This sounds like a really important quest.
Randy: Yes, it is. It is more important than anything I've ever asked you to do. You must retrieve the tape. But do not look at it, uh, for it... holds an evil power! Retrieve the tape, and return it to us at home. [falling into a fantasy accent] Do this, and you will be greatly rewarded.
Stan: Woww.
Cartman: This... is so cool.
Kyle: [turns left] Gentlemen, we are off! [the boys turn back to walk to Butters' house. Randy watches them leave]
Randy: [rises and looks at Sharon] Okay, problem solved.
Scene Description: Stotch residence; basement, moments later. Butters is looking at more of the video. He has a surprised expression on his face. Steamy action is heard.
Woman: ...Oh my God, I'm so... Mmmm, mmm...
Butters: Oh golly. [his legs part and he points to his crotch] Hey, what's happening down there? [the basement door is heard opening and closing. Butters is fascinated by his body's reaction. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman come down the stairs. Butters reaches for his crotch for tactile inspection]
Stan: We have come to reclaim the one tape! [Butters sits up and Kyle goes for the tape]
Butters: [walks up to Kyle] Wha-wha, what are you doing?! [Kyle removes it and puts it into the LotR case it came in]
Kyle: [walks off. Butters is saddened] The Queen and King of Stan'ses house wish The Lord of the Rings returned to them.
Butters: But it's the greatest movie I have ever seen. You guys were right. Lord of the Rings is awesome. Eh, you have to let me finish watching it.
Cartman: Nay, Butters! The one tape must be brought back to Stan'ses house. [the boys head up the stairs and out of the house. Butters opens the door and jumps at them]
Scene Description: Butters' house, outside.
Butters: Bwaagghh! [falls on his face, then quickly gets up and retreats]
Kyle: Butters! We said you can't watch it! We have a quest!
Butters: Well, then... then let me go with you.
Kyle: Okay, fine, Butters. But if you're gonna hang out with us, you have to play like Lord of the Rings. [Little does Kyle know what Butters' idea of LotR is. The boys turn to walk away]
Butters: Wuh, okay. [Butters jumps on Kyle's left arm and starts making love to it] Ugh, ugh, ugh, ugh, ugh, yeah.
Kyle: [glares at Butters] Butters, what the hell are you doing?!
Butters: [a bit surprised] Playing Lord of the Rings. [resumes the love-making] Ugh, wegh, oh yeah.
Kyle: [smacks Butters with the tape, causing him to fall off] Get the hell off me! You're a freak, Butters! You can't play with us!
Butters: [on hands and knees, with renewed determination] Let me have the tape!
Stan: [takes the tape from Kyle] No, we have to return it! [the boys turn to walk away again. Butters crawls a few inches]
Butters: My movie! [sorrowfully reaches out for it with left hand] My awesome cool movie. My... precious.
Scene Description: The woods, night. The boys retrace their steps through the backwoods.
Cartman: And so the tape was again retrieved to be brought back to Stan'ses house.
Kyle: This copy of Lord of the Rings made the young Butters behave quite oddly.
Stan: Yeah, and mine parents were acting strange about it, too.
Cartman: Perhaps the one videotape has some power we have not foreseen. [three older boys ride up on their bikes and stop before the group. It's the sixth graders]
Sixth grader leader: [gets off his bike and approaches the boys] Well, well, well! If it isn't Robin Hood and his Merry Men!
Kyle: Oh, crap, the sixth graders!
Sixth grader leader: Whatcha got there?
Stan: Nothing. [the sixth grader rips the tape out of Stan's hand] Hey, kid!
Sixth grader leader: [looks at the case] Lord of the Rings? Ha! That movie's gay!
Cartman: You're gay!
Sixth grader leader: [opens the case and looks at the tape] What the-? [reads the title: "Back Door Sluts 9" XXX] Whoa! [backs up to show the tape to his friends] Check it out, you guys!
Sixth graders 2 and 3: Whoa!
Stan: Give it back! We're on a quest to return it to my parents!
Sixth grader leader: [approaches menacingly with the tape. Stan backs up] No way! We're keepin' this and watchin' it ourselves!
Kyle: You can't keep it.
Sixth grader leader: And what are three little fourth graders gonna do about it, huh?!
Stan: There's four of us! Kenny's soul is still trapped in Cartman's body!
Cartman: Yeah!
Sixth grader leader: Oh man, I can't wait to see this!
Kyle: [aside to Stan] Dude, that video is making people act strange.
Cartman: The one tape must be returned! [swats the tape out of the sixth grader's hands with the staff and watches as the tape falls into Stan's hands] Run! [the boys run away from the sixth graders]
Sixth grader leader: Get 'em! [his two friends ride off after the boys. He picks up his bike and joins his friends]
Scene Description: Stotch residence. Randy and Sharon have arrived, and Randy knocks on the door. Stephen answers the door again.
Stephen: Oh, hello, Randy, Sharon.
Randy: Uh... Chris, are the boys over here?
Linda: No, just Butters. He's been watching The Lord of the Rings downstairs.
Sharon: Oh, dear!
Stephen: What's the matter?
Randy: We... [now nervous] Well, this is really sort of funny, but uh, we, we accidentally put a...porno in The Lord of the Rings box. [Sharon shrugs, and both of them smile sheepishly]
Linda: Ohh God!! [the Stotches panic and rush downstairs. The Marshes follow]
Scene Description: Basement. Chris, Linda, Randy and Sharon enter. The TV is still on, but there's static. Butters isn't around.
Stephen: Butters?
Linda: Butters? [they notice the television] Butters!
Butters: [peeks out from behind the sofa, in the shadow, then speaks in a raspy voice] The precious? [his parents turn to see him] Could you bring back my precious?
Stephen: Butters, where is the movie you were watching?
Butters: [crawls out into view] They took his precious, took it away to watch without him. [sits up and puts his hands on his knees] He was really enjoying that movie, too! My... precious.
Randy: The boys must've come and saw what it was and... then taken it away somewhere.
Sharon: [gravely] Oh, no. [Stephen and Linda look back at them]
Scene Description: The woods, later. The camera moves from a clearing to a tree with a large root shading a pocket underneath. The boys come into view.
Kyle: We can't let those sixth graders get their hands on this videotape.
Cartman: I must say I agree. If this copy of The Lord of the Rings is tainted, it would not be safe in the wrong hands.
Sixth grader leader: [nearby, off screen] I smell fourth graders!
Stan: Oh crap, dude!
Kyle: Hide! [they jump over the massive root and hide in the pocket underneath. The lead sixth grader comes into view and sniffs the air. He hops off and looks around over the root. The boys look up in apprehension. The sixth grader sniffs around above them]
Sixth grader 1: [off screen] Hey. [the lead sixth grader whips around and goes to see who it is. It's his friend, in brown cap] I think I see something down the hill. [the lead sixth grader looks in that direction, then the sixth graders take off. The boys express relief after a few seconds]
Stan: Ogh. [Cartman sighs silently]
Kyle: Phew. The one videotape is sought after indeed.
Stan: Yeah. Butters, my parents, now the sixth graders.
Cartman: [rises and moves off] Come, guys. We must bring this all to the attention of the High Elf of Paragon.
Kyle: Yeah, the High Elf. He'll know what to do. [the boys leave the root]
Scene Description: Broflovski residence, night. The boys' parents are all gathered in the living room.
Randy: [debriefing Gerald and Sheila] And so that's the situation. All the boys are out there somewhere with a... pornographic videotape.
Sheila: Oh God, this, this is horrible!
Gerald: All right, calm down. Now, just how bad of a porno tape are we talking here? I mean, was it like Crotch Capers 3?
Randy: I'm a...fraid it was... Backdoor Sluts 9. [he and Sharon hang their heads in shame]
Gerald, Stephen: Backdoor Sluts 9?!?
Linda: Is that bad?
Stephen: Backdoor Sluts 9 makes Crotch Capers 3 look like Naughty Nurses 2!
Gerald: I-it is the single most vile, twisted, dark piece of porn ever made. [Sheila gets angrier by the word]
Sheila: [slaps him] How the hell do you know?!
Gerald: [shakily] I, uh, I-I-I read about it in People.
Sheila: [now facing the Marshes] Oh, this is just great! How could you two be so careless?!
Sharon: We're sorry.
Liane: Well, Sheila, we can't shelter our boys forever from these things. Maybe it's okay for them to see an adult film.
Sheila: Not without their parents to put it in a proper context! They won't understand what they're seeing!
Randy: It-it can't hurt 'em that much, can it?
Butters: [pops up outside and taps on a window] Precious. [the adults turn to see the window] Let me see my precious. [slides down the window and out of view] Plee-ee-ee-ease! [the adults just look on]
Scene Description: Stan, Kyle and Cartman arrive at a house. Stan rings the doorbell twice, but no answer.
Cartman: [waves his left hand around] Open. [nothing. He waves his left hand again] Bellog. [the door opens and Clyde appears]
Clyde: What do you guys want?
Stan: We must speak with the High Elf of Paragon.
Clyde: Oh. Okay, hang on a second. [steps back and closes the door, then reopens the door. He is now dressed as an elf. His staff is a small hoe] What troubles you?
Kyle: We have in our possession something of great power. [pulls out the videotape] It is... The Lord of the Rings.
Clyde: So? I have three copies. And the DVD with twelve hours of extra footage.
Stan: Yes, but this is not a- [stops, then reacts] Wow, twelve hours? ...Yes, but this is not a normal copy. It's making people act really strange. [hands the tape to Clyde]
Cartman: We're seriously, High Elf. Something very evil lurks in this tape.
Clyde: Very well, I shall call the council together. Meet me in the Woods of Gathering behind Talangar the Black's house. And don't let my mom see you, 'cause I'll get in trouble.
Cartman: Thank you, High Elf of Paragon.
Clyde: Faragon, asshole! [closes the door. The boys leave the house and walk off]
Cartman: Clyde's a dick.
Scene Description: A parking lot in town. A bunch of kids are gathered there on their bikes. The lead sixth graders hops onto a car and gets the others' attention.
Sixth grader leader: Alright, everybody listen up! There's three snot-nosed little fourth graders out there who have a porno called Backdoor Sluts 9.
Other sixth graders: Ooooooh!
Sixth grader leader: I checked it out on the Internet, and it said that Backdoor Sluts 9 is the most hard-core porno ever made.
Other sixth graders: Ahhhhh!
Sixth grader leader: I have amassed this army of sixth graders to get the tape by any means necessary. Now, let's go get that porno! [the sixth graders scream and charge out into the night on their bikes]
Scene Description: Token's mansion, backyard. Very leafy backyard indeed. The camera moves from a shot of the moon to a shot of all the fourth grade boys seated around a small table.
Clyde: And so that is the situation. The video may or may not have evil power. Kyle, would you bring it up here, please? [Kyle gets up, walks to the table, and stands the tape on it]
Other Boys: Ahhh.
Jimmy: That video could have been made by Sauron's evil f-...forces.
Craig: It could hold a mental spell of some kind.
Kevin: [wearing a Star Wars Imperial stormtrooper helmet] Perhaps we could use it to strengthen our star cruisers. [the kids look at him. One shot has Tweek wearing a large coffee tin on his head, Pip dressed as an elf, a kindergartner wearing a Fett helmet, then one of Stan, Kyle and Cartman]
Cartman: Kevin, god-damnit..! [Kevin looks around, then hops off his chair and leaves]
Clyde: Look, until we see this tape's power for ourselves, we cannot risk giving it to anybody.
Stan: But if we watch it, we could fall under its spell, too.
Clyde: That is true. Only a Paladin with a high constitution should watch the tape. Therefore, I think it is a job for you, Talangar the Black.
Token: [thinks about this, then leaves his seat] I am not scared. I'll go inside and watch the tape, [reaches the table and gets the tape] just for a few seconds. If I do not return in two minutes, send a party in after me. [walks towards the house] The fate of Middle-earth... is in my hands. [reaches the sliding door and enters the house, closing the door behnd him]
Scene Description: The neighborhood. The sixth graders come into view on their bicycles making all sorts of noise.
Sixth grader leader: Fourth graders! Give us that porn-o! [they go out of view. A moment later the Marsh car comes into view]
Sharon: Boys? [the Broflovskis are in the back seat]
Sheila: [with her head out the window] Boys, we're not mad at you. We just wanna talk to you. [behind them is the Stotch car]
Scene Description: Token's mansion, backyard. The boys wait for Token's verdict.
Cartman: Talangar the Black returns from watching the video. [the other boys stir]
Clyde: What vice did you see on the videotape, Talangar? Is it the work of Sauron's magic? [Token returns to the table and places the tape there]
Token: I'm not playing anymore. [walks off]
Stan: [steps forward] Uh, well-Wait, what'd you see?
Token: [stops and turns] I don't know, I don't wanna know. I'm out. [claps his hands, then walks back into the house, sliding the door open and closed. The boys look on]
Cartman: My God, this thing must really be powerful. [the boys turn to look at the tape]
Kyle: This tape makes people freak out wherever it goes.
Stan: What do we do with it?
Clyde: One thing for sure, this tape cannot be trusted with anybody. It must be returned to the video store from whence it came.
Jimmy: Well, where is the videotape rented from?
Kyle: [picks up the tape and looks for the store name] Two Towers Video Store. I-in Conifer.
Tweek: Conifer? Walking there would take hours!
Craig: There's no alternative. We have to return the tape before it causes more damage!
Kindergartner: I'll go.
Craig: Ha! We cannot trust something of that much power to a dwarf! Especially a kindergartner dwarf. [all the boys begin to chatter, nominating who should return the video]
Craig: You're too young.
Cartman: Quiet!
Jimmy: You guys, this is stupid.
Cartman: You're acting like a bunch of assholes!
Stan: I will take it! [the boys quiet down and Stan approaches the table. He takes the tape in hand. Cartman closes his eyes in meditation] I will walk to the video store.
Clyde: It is too far and too dangerous to go alone. Take with you the wizard [Cartman], the dwarf [the kindergartner], the warrior [Craig], the cleric [Jimmy], and the Jew [Kyle].
Kyle: [flashes anger] Paladin!
Clyde: Very well. You shall be the Fellowship of The Lord of the Rings. Good luck. I have to go home now before I get in trouble.
Tweek: Me too.
Other boys: [agreeing] Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Craig: Only the six of us are to go?
Stan: No, no, there's seven of us. Kenny's soul is still trapped in Cartman's body, remember?
Cartman: Yeah, stupid. [higher pitch] Yeah. Luckily, Cartman's big enough for the both of us. [a bit lower] Shut up, Kenny.
Scene Description: Kenosha Pass, snowing. The boys walk along the highway through the pass.
Narrator: So it was that the heroes traveled many miles to return The Lord of the Rings to the video store.
Kyle: We have reached the Great Pass of Mount Ururalak.
Craig: Look out! [a small avalanche of snow appears in front of them]
Kyle: [gasps a little] We were almost killed.
Cartman: A dark wizard must be trying to stop us!
Stan: True. Someone or something doesn't want this video returned to the video store.
Scene Description: Token's mansion. The boys' parents are at the front door. The front door opens and Token's parents appear.
Steve: Oh. Hello everybody.
Gerald: Steve, uh, we heard that a bunch of the kids were over here a little while ago.
Linda Black: Well yes, I believe they were, but they've gone. What's the matter?
Randy: We think our boys might be showing other chiildren a, uh... pornographic tape.
Steve: What? But Token's never seen a porno before. He wouldn't know what to-Oh God! [rushes to look for Token]
Linda Black: Token! [the other parents rush in]
Scene Description: The dining room table. Token sits alone on one of the many seats there. The adults arrive.
Linda Black: Token? Did the boys come over and... show you a movie? [no answer]
Steve: Token? [no answer, long pause] Alright, Token. We know you must be very confused about what you saw. [no response, long pause]
Randy: [kneels next to Token] Yes, uh... you see, Token... that was called a pornographic film. I-it shows adult men and adult women having sexual intercourse. [no response, long pause] Well, y-you see, when a, when a man and a woman fall in love, the man puts his penis in the woman's vagina. It's called love-making, and it's part of being in love.
Token: [no response, long pause] ...And when the woman has four penises in her at the same time, then stands over the men and pees on them, is that part of being in love too? [no response] Five midgets, spanking a man... covered with Thousand Island dressing. Is that making love?
Steve: Jesus, what kind of porno is that?
Gerald: It was Backdoor Sluts 9.
Steve: Oh, Jesus, not that one! [his wife gives him an angry look]
Sheila: Oh, Gerald, poor Kyle must be just as confused and scared as this poor kid.
Gerald: Uh, Token, this is very important: do you know where the boys went with the naughty tape?
Scene Description: Bailey, town limit. The boys arrive there.
Craig: We're entering the limits of Bailey. Everyone stay close.
Stan: Perhaps the Great Ringworm of Bailey is about.
Kindergartner: Ringworms are no match for a dwarf.
Cartman: Yes, we shall slay the Ringworm and take his bounty of treasure! [they pass a yard on which some kids are playing] For that is the way of the-
Boy 1: I shall put a magic spell on you!
Boy 2: I have blocked your spell, wizard!
Kyle: Hey, what are you guys doing? [the Bailey kids turn and look]
Boy 3: We're playing Harry Potter.
Cartman: [after a few moments of thought] Ha!! Fags! [the boys move on. They soon pass a Country Café]
Kyle: [suddenly wary] You guys. Somebody is following us.
Cartman: It's Butters.
Kyle: Butters?
Cartman: Yes. He's been following us for like two hours. [behind the six boys, at some distance, is Butters, skulking along in the shadows]
Butters: The precious videotape. L-let the Butters see it.
Cartman: Just ignore him; maybe he'll go away.
Jimmy: Hey fellas, mind if we take a little re-rest?
Cartman: There's no time for rest, sorcerer! Keep up! [the sound of sixth graders is heard in the distance. The boys look around to find the direction of the sound. The sixth graders appear in the horizon behind them and ride in quickly, screaming all the while]
Jimmy: They are coming. [a shot of the sixth graders] You guys go on ahead.
Kyle: Jimmy, are you sure?
Jimmy: Go! [the other five boys take off, leaving Jimmy to face the sixth graders alone. He turns and stares down the approaching throng] You shall not...pah..? You shall not..puh... [the sixth graders draw closer] You shall not paah... [a shot of the young bikers, then a distance shot of Jimmy, then a shot of the young bikers, a shot of Jimmy, a shot of the young bikers, a quick shot of Jimmy, then the sixth graders as they reach Jimmy] You shall not pa-! [the sixth graders take shots at him as they pass by. He falls and gets up] You shall not paah-! [struck down again, rises, is struck down, rises...] You shall not puh-uh-uh- [falls again. The last of the sixth graders passes by, and Jimmy stands up, all beat up, with tire tracks and bruises on his face and a black eye] You shall not pass. [falls down]
Scene Description: A river, further along the quest. Stan looks back to see about Jimmy.
Stan: Jimmy didn't stop them!
Kyle: They're gonna take The Lord of the Rings from us.
Cartman: Quick! Cross the river! Sixth graders can't stand water!
Craig: What? That's stupid.
Cartman: I'm a high-ranking white wizard, Craig, and I say sixth graders are opposed to water!
Craig: Whatever. I'm going back to play with the Harry Potter kids. [walks off]
Kindergartner: Me too. [follows Craig]
Cartman: Go ahead and play Harry Butthole Pussy Potter!
Stan: Just get across the river! They're coming! [the three remaining boys scramble across the river. The sixth graders arrive. Two of them stop their tires by performing wheelies and landing their bikes back on the road. The lead sixth grader rides up between them]
Sixth grader leader: What the hell is wrong with you guys?! Get the tape!
Sixth grader 3: Dude, I don't wanna get wet.
Sixth grader 4: Yeah, I don't really like the water.
Sixth grader 1: Besides, if our bikes get wet, their chains'll rust.
Sixth grader leader: Oh, god-damnit. Alright, come on. We'll find a bridge. [the bikers ride off]
Scene Description: The woods, later. The boys walk through it.
Narrator: The quest continued to return The Lord of the Rings to the video store.
Stan: Man, we should have never crossed that stupid river.
Kyle: Yeah. Good job, wizard fat ass! Now we're totally lost.
Cartman: We're not lost, Jewgar of Jewlingrad, we just don't know where we are! [twitched] That's what "lost" means, stupid! Kenny, shut your goddamned mouth!
Stan: This is great! We're in the middle of nowhere and nobody knows what direction the video store is in!
Butters: [crawls up to them] The Butters knowses.
Kyle: Oh brother!
Butters: The video store. Yesss. Not far from here. We can show you wheres it is.
Stan: Where?!
Butters: First, just let Butters sseee the precious.
Kyle: No, Butters. Look what it's done to you. It's made you even lamer than before.
Cartman: If that was possible.
Stan: Tell us how to get to the video store, Butters, or else we're gonna kick your ass!
Butters: [puts up his arms to shield himself] Ha-a-a. No hurtses the Butters. [squats with his arms hanging over his knees] We will show you the way. Yesss. This way it is. [walks forward in a squatting manner]
Scene Description: The road. Randy, Sharon, Gerald and Sheila ride in the Marsh car, with Randy driving, and Stephen drives the Stotch car.
Sheila: This is awful! I just know with every passing minute, little Kyle is seeing more and more depraved sex acts!
Gerald: Well, we'll find them. A-and then we'll try to put what they saw into context.
Sharon: Look! There's one of the boys now! [before them is Jimmy, fallen and asleep in the middle of the road. Randy steps on the brakes] Jimmy!
Randy: [the adults jump out of their cars and approach him] Jimmy! Jimmy! [Jimmy awakens and looks up] Where did the boys go with the porno tape?
Jimmy: They're taking it to the vi... the vi... the vii...
Stephen: Come on Jimmy, we don't have a lot of time.
Jimmy: They took it back to the video s... the video s...
Randy: The video sandwich?
Stephen: The video stockyard.
Randy: What's a video stockyard, Jimmy?
Jimmy: No, the video suh... the video s...tih...
Gerald: Stinger?
Stephen: Staples. They went to the video Staples. Where's that, Jimmy?
Jimmy: N-n-no, you retards! The video s...tore!
Adults: The video store! [they go to their cars]
Sheila: Hurry! Hurry!
Randy: I know where it is! [they get in their cars and peel off. ("When did the Broflovski station wagon arrive?") Jimmy is left where he was when they arrived]
Scene Description: Two Towers video store. The boys arrive out of breath and head for the front door.
Kyle: Oh no! They're closed!
Stan: Closed?
Sixth grader leader: [off screen] There they are!
Sixth grader 5: [the throng of sixth graders approach] Don't let them turn it back into the video store!
Cartman: We're screwed.
Stan: [seeing a way out of this mess] Wait. A drop box. [goes to it and pulls down the door] Quick, Kyle, drop the movie in!
Kyle: Finally. [he and Cartman move towards the box. Butters looks on] It's over.
Butters: [now moving] Precious. Must have our precious. Waagh! [jumps on Kyle and runs off with the tape]
Kyle: Butters! No!
Butters: [now in the middle of the parking lot] Now wees hases it! [the sixth graders close in]
Stan: They're coming!
Kyle: [goes after Butters and tries to wrest the tape from him] It has to go back!
Butters: It wantses to stay with the Butter kid.
Sixth grader leader: [a foot away] There it is! Give me that tape! [Butters holds on tight to the tape, smiling wide.]
Kyle: [picks Butters up and carries him off] Let go of the tape, Butters!
Butters: I'll never let go! [Stan opens the drop box and holds the door open]
Kyle: Fine! [tosses him into the drop box]
Butters: Precious! [Stan closes the door. The lead sixth grader leaps off his bike and rushes to the drop box]
Sixth grader leader: Nooo! [reaches in and fishes around for it] No, nooo! [walks off in disgust and hits the window] Damnit! [the other sixth graders arrive]
Sixth grader 1: Aw man, now we'll never see the hot action.
Sixth grader leader: You stupid little fourth graders!
Cartman: The tape is returned to which it came. Its power over you shall fade as well.
Kyle: Middle-earth is again safe.
Sixth grader leader: Yeah? Well, that's not gonna stop us from kicking your asses!
Stan: Uh-oh.
Scene Description: The lead sixth grader approaches punching his left fist into his right hand. The other sixth graders move in alowly. Headlights appear and a car horn sounds. The sixth graders look at the cars, as do the boys. The cars pull to a stop short of the boys.
Randy: Boys! Boys!
Sixth grader leader: Crap! Parents! [gets on his bike and turns away] Come on, guys. [the sixth graders leave] We'll see you next time, fourthies!
Cartman: And perhaps they would. But for now the sixth grader army was defeated.
Randy: There you are!
Sheila: Oh, Kyle! You're safe!
Stan: Oh hey guys, uh... We were just about to come home. We had to return the video.
Randy: A-alright, now, now listen, kids. There's some things we need to put into context for you. You see, a man puts his penis into a woman's vagina for both love and pleasure. But sometimes the woman lays on top of the man facing the other way so that they can put each other's genitals in their mouths. [the boys are stunned] Uh, this is called "69ing" and it's normal.
Sharon: See boys, a woman is sensitive in her vagina and it... feels good to have a man's penis inside of it.
Sheila: That's right, but sometimes a woman chooses to use other things. Telephones, staplers, magazines. It's because the nerve endings in the vagina are so sensitive, it's like a fun tickle.
Gerald: Now, on to double penetration, boys. You see, sometimes when a woman has sex with more than one man, each man makes love to a different orifice.
Randy: That's right. It's something adults can do with really good friends in a comfortable setting.
Sheila: It's also important that you understand why some people choose to urinate on each other.
Randy: Going number 1 or number 2 on your lover is something people might do, but you must make sure your partner is okay with it before you start doing it.
Gerald: Okay, boys. Do you have any questions? [the boys are still stunned, but one of them finally speaks]
Stan: ...Wow. [another long moment of stunned silence]
Randy: Well, let's all get going.
Sheila: Yeah, come on boys. Time to get home. [the adults head for their cars, but the boys stay frozen in place]
Stephen: [turns around. Linda does as well] Wait a minute. Where's Butters?
Scene Description: Two Towers video store, inside the bin behind the drop box.
Butters: [rises from the batch of videotapes that buried him] Wu-u-wees hases our preciouseses! Hases it... Hases it...