Scene Description: South Park Elementary school gym, day. The student body is gathered there to hear from a guest speaker. Mr. Mackey is presiding.
Mr. Mackey: M'kay, students, we have a very special guest speaker today. Who can tell me the name of our country's last vice-president?
Kyle: Dick Cheney?
Mr. Mackey: No, the last one.
Butters: Bill Clinton.
Mr. Mackey: No, Clinton's vice-president. [no one has an answer] He is here today to talk to you students about some very serious issues. Please welcome Al Gore. [some applause. Al Gore arrives and Mr. Mackey steps away to one side]
Stan: Who?
Al Gore: Thank you, Mr. Mackey, students of South Park Elementary.. I'm here to educate you about the single biggest threat to our planet. You see, there is something out there which threatens our very existence and may be the end of the human race as we know it. I'm talking of course about... [a projector comes on and a picture of a monster appears] ManBearPig. [a beast with the legs and tail of a pig, the body and arms of a bear, and the face and upper-body posture of a man]
Kyle: [softly, to Stan] ManBearPig? [Stan just turns his hands up and shrugs]
Al Gore: It is a creature which roams the earth alone. It is half man, half bear, and half pig. Some people say that ManBearPig isn't real. Well, I'm here to tell you know, ManBearPig is very real, and he most certainly exists. I'm serial. ManBearPig doesn't care who you are or what you've done. ManBearPig simply wants to get you! I'm super-serial. [Mr. Mackey and Mrs. Garrison just look at each other.] But have no fear, because I am here to save you! And someday, when the world is rid of ManBearPig, everyone will say "Thank you, Al Gore. You're super awesome." The end.
Mr. Mackey: [reappears and claps a little] Uhhh, ohhhkay, thank you Mr. Gore.
Al Gore: Thank you, class. Excelsior! [Stan and Kyle just blink at each other]
Scene Description: South Park, evening. The boys are playing basketball in a neighborhood park. Cartman has possession of the ball.
Cartman: [giggles as he dribbles] Check out this sweet move. [tries to dribble around Kyle, but Kyle blocks him] Kyle, you can't block like that.
Kyle: Just play the game, fatass!
Stan: [open under the net] Pass it to me, Cartman?
Cartman: Hang on. I'm going to do something killer. [tries to fake Kyle out, but Kyle taps the ball away. Cartman goes after it] God damnit, stop it, Kyle!
Scene Description: Nearby, as the moon rises over the mountains, a shadow moves across the forest, its claws fairly visible.
Cartman: [tries again, moving Kyle back some] All right, check it out. This is a total Kobe Bryant I'm about to do. [keeps dribbling without making a move]
Kyle: Just take a shot or pass the ball, asshole! It's getting late!
Scene Description: The beast moves closer to some bushes, then stands up and sees the basketball court.
Cartman: Let's just see who gets the ball this time, Jewboy! [again tries to get by Kyle, but Kyle taps the ball away again. Cartman chases it down again.] Kyle, knock it off! [the beast breaks through the bushes and steps onto the basketball court. Cartman continues to dribble]
Stan: Cartman, stop hogging the goddamned ball!
Beast: FOOD! [it's Al Gore in a homemade ManBearPig costume. The boys turn to see who it is] Don't worry, it's not really ManBearPig. It's me, Al Gore.
Kyle: We know. [several seconds of silence follow]
Cartman: Dude, what are you doing?
Al Gore: I'm spreading ManBearPig awareness. Here, each of you kids take a pamphlet and a bumper sticker. [Kyle looks at the sticker; the sticker has a "ManBearPig" crossed out by a red circle and bar, and the words "We must all stop ManBearPig" to the left of the ManBearPig] I hope now you boys see that this is totally serial. The next time, it could be the "real" ManBearPig. Can I just get you to sign the awareness sheet? Just your name and phone number and where you first heard about ManBearPig?
Randy: [waiting nearby in the family car] Uhh, Stan?
Stan: Oh, hey Dad.
Al Gore: [turns around slowly and waves] Hello.
Randy: [vigilant] It's ah, getting late, boys. Why don't you get in the car and I'll drive you all home?
Kyle: Okay, Mr. Marsh. [the boys move towards the car]
Al Gore: Be safe. [the boys get in the car and Randy drives off. Al Gore looks on as they leave, then turns around and walks off in the opposite direction]
Scene Description: Randy's car.
Randy: Boys, I don't want you hanging out with that ex vice-president anymore, okay?
Stan: Aw, he's all right, Dad. He was just trying to warn us about ManBearPig.
Randy: ManBearPig?
Kyle: He's half man and half bearpig.
Cartman: No, dude, he's half man and half bear and half pig.
Kyle: That doesn't make any sense.
Stan: He could be half bear, half manpig.
Randy: Boys, there's no such thing as a ManBearPig. The vice president is just desperate for attention.
Stan: But I feel kind of bad for him, Dad. I don't think he has any friends.
Scene Description: Stan's room, night. He's fast asleep when his phone rings. Stan sits up and rubs his eyes, then hops off his bed and goes to answer the phone on his desk.
Stan: Hello?
Al Gore: Hello, this is Al Gore.
Stan: [shuts his eyes and covers them with his left hand] Oh man... Hi Mr. Gore.
Al Gore: I was the vice president.
Stan: I know.
Al Gore: Can you and your friends make it to an emergency ManBearPig meeting tomorrow morning? I have some evidence he could be in this area.
Stan: Eh look, I'm sorry but, we're all kind of busy.
Al Gore: [several seconds of silence] Oh. I get it. You don't believe me either.
Stan: No, no, it's not that.
Al Gore: Yes it is. Nobody believes me! [gets emotional] I'm trying to warn everybody and nobody takes me serial! [begins weeping over the phone] I just want somebody in the world to take me serial just for once.
Stan: Ih it's okay, Mr. Gore, I, I believe you.
Al Gore: No you don't.
Stan: Yeah, I'm sure ManBearPig needs to be stopped. I'm just... I'm just scared that I can't do anything to stop him.
Al Gore: Are you serial?
Stan: ...Yes, I'm serial.
Al Gore: [reinvigorated] Don't worry! We CAN stop him! Bring everyone you can to my ManBearPig meeting tomorrow at 8 a.m. sharp! [hangs up]
Scene Description: A Komfort Inn, morning. The boys climb up to the second floor and walk to Room 2B.
Cartman: Dude, why are we going to hang out with this guy?
Kenny: (Yeah, I don't get it.)
Stan: Come on, you guys, Al Gore doesn't have any friends. We'll just make an appearance at his little meeting and then we'll go. [the door opens and Al Gore greats the boys]
Al Gore: Hi kids! Come on in! [the boys follow him in] Okay, let's get this meeting started. What do you kids think we should do to stop ManBearPig?
Stan: Yyeah, you know, Mr. Gore, uh, my dad's a geologist, and he said that ManBearPig probably isn't in Colorado.
Al Gore: [alerted, goes down on one knee] What does your dad look like?? Does he have large hooves where his feet should be??
Stan: NO.
Al Gore: Damn. For a minute there, I thought we found him.
Stan: Well, this was a great meeting. Wasn't it, guys? But, we gotta get goin' to school now.
Al Gore: [an alarm goes off nearby] Oh my God! [runs to his control center and leans back in his chair to look closely at his monitor. He begins to type quickly] ManBearPig screen active! What is this area of Colorado! It's a it's a cave of some kind! [a map of Cave of the Winds is shown, with the target below the text blinking]
Kyle: Yeah, that's Cave of the Winds. It's a tourist attraction.
Al Gore: Oh Jesus on ice skates, we've gotta get down there right away.
Cartman: Ah I don't think so, dude. [the boys head for the door]
Kyle: Yeah, we've got school anyway.
Al Gore: I can get you all excused from school. [the boys stop in their tracks and turn around.]
Cartman: You... have that kind of power?
Al Gore: Look! You boys have a chance to help me find and kill ManBearPig once and for all! I'm totally serial!
Scene Description: Wonderful Cave of the Winds, day, inside. A tour group gathers to embark on its tour.
Tour guide: Hello everyone, welcome to Cave of the Winds. Our tour is gonna take us to two chambers in one of the most elaborate cavern systems in Colorado. [his head bobs as he sighs] Before we get started I do understand we have a special guest in our group today: the ex vice president, Mr. Al Gore. [one or two people clap, and Gore smiles at the two ladies, one on either side of him] Mr. Gore asked me to make sure you all knew he was here. Now, once we enter the cave we do ask you that you follow two rules: stay on the path and do not touch anything. Aright, are we ready?
Group: Yeah.
Tour guide: Let's go cavin'. [turns on his headlight, opens the velvet rope and leads the group into the cave]
Scene Description: The tour.
Tour guide: Here we are in the main chamber of the cave; it was discovered in 1892 and first used as a hideout for smugglers of the Old West.
Al Gore: Have you noticed high deposits of sulfur or a salmon-like odor coming from the caves lately?
Tour guide: [to Al Gore] Ahh, no. [addressing the group] Now, as you can see, the cave is filled with stalagmites and stalactites. Water drips from the cave's...
Al Gore: All right, kids, I need you to keep an eye out for ManBearPig droppings.
Kyle: What do ManBearPig droppings look like?
Al Gore: Similar to pig droppings, but more manbearlike.
Tour guide: These rocks often make interesting shapes which we like to name. For instance, this one here we named "The Hanging Mushroom." [a solid stalactite in the shape of a penis] And over here we have "Man With Helmet and Two Bowling Balls." [a massive stalagmite, again in the shape of a penis and two large testicles] And finally, of course, the "Two Sisters." [two smaller stalagmites, each the shape of a penis and testicles] Now the cave itself is millions of years old and has a constant temperature of 57 degrees.
Al Gore: Groan! Groan! [this stops the tour and everyone turns to face him]
Tour guide: Sir? Mr. Gore? Is there a problem?
Al Gore: Not yet.
Tour guide: All right, everyone, if you'll step this way, you'll see how the cave gets its name. [the group moves forward]
Al Gore: [looks at an opening and motions the kids over] Kids! Kids, over here! Look.
Kyle: What?
Al Gore: I bet this is where he's hiding. [shines his light around] This looks like ManBearPig Central. Come on! [goes down the path he found] Come on! This is where ManBearPig is! I'm serial! [the boys follow him down the path. They have officially broken from the group.]
Tour guide: In certain areas of the cave, the wind actually blows through, causing a sound you can hear. [the cave begins to howl]
Group: Wow...
Woman: Take a picture of the sound, Steven. [her husband takes the picture.]
Scene Description: Al Gore's path.
Stan: Mr. Gore, I I think we should stay with the tour group.
Al Gore: [hearing the wind] Wait! Shhh. [concludes] Christ! He's here! Take this rope! [hands some rope to Stan] Be ready to tie him up! [brings out a shotgun] I've got you now, you son of a bitch! [begins shooting randomly, and bits of the cave ceiling begin falling]
Kyle: What are you doing?! [bigger chunks of cave fall between Al Gore and the boys]
Stan: Oh no!
Al Gore: No!
The boys: Aaaah! [the boys are now sealed off from Al Gore. Gore turns around and assumes the worst]
Al Gore: Leave them alone, you Goddamned ManBearPig!
The boys: Help!
Al Gore: Damn you ManBearPig! They're just children!
Scene Description: The tour. Chunks of cave begin falling along its path as well, and the tour guide takes appropriate action.
Tour guide: O-kay, everyone, out of the cave. Now! [the group turns around and runs back towards the entrance. The collapse follows the group] Go! Go! Go out, now! [the last person out of the cave is Al Gore, and the cave entrance is sealed shut by the collapse of the cave ceiling]
Scene Description: The inner collapse.
Kyle: Hello?
Stan: Help!
Kyle: We're trapped in here!
Cartman: Somebody get us some help down hyah!
Kyle: Hello, help!
Cartman: Hello??
Kenny: (Hello!)
Stan: Help!
Kyle: Forget it! They can't hear us!
Kenny: (What are we gonna do??)
Cartman: [pointing at Stan] You'd better get us out of here, asshole!
Stan: [faces Cartman] Me??
Cartman: You just had to go and be nice to Al Gore! Now we're trapped in a cave!
Stan: Maybe there's another way out of here.
Kenny: (Oh, no kidding.)
Kyle: A-all right, let's split up and look for a passageway. E-everyone take a different direction. [the boys split up. Kyle climbs along a pile of boulders] Oh man, we're in big trouble here.
Cartman: [scrambling along his own path] This is... bullcrap! If I'm thin- I'm gonna be so... pissed off! [loses his footing and slides down some distance to the floor. He gets up and coughs from all the dust that went up around him] Goddammit! [reaches down and grabs his flashlight. He slaps it until it comes back on, coughs, and looks ahead. His eyes grow big. Before him is "Smuggler's Den," a corner of the cave in which sits an open treasure chest and two skeletons guarding it. Gold and jewelry are in and around the chest, while the skeletons have guns in their hands. Cartman approaches slowly, in awe]
Kyle: You see anything, Kenny??
Kenny: (No, nothing!) [Cartman is frozen, speechless]
Kyle: Cartman?? Cartman, you see anything??
Cartman: [in a soft, trembling voice] No, nothing [clears his throat and speaks normally] No, nothing here! Nothing this way! [his eyes fixed on the look, he swoons] Tr... treasure.
Kyle: Cartman, you okay?? [Cartman snaps out of it] You need help??
Cartman: I'm fine! This way is just a... dead end! Coming back to you now! [turns to head back to the other boys, but turns around one last time to remember where the treasure is, then heads back to his friends.]
Kyle: It looks like we're completely sealed in.
Kenny: (Yeah, No shit.)
Stan: [returning] There's a small passageway about 200 yards over there, but... it goes for a long long way and it's pretty steep. [Cartman arrives]
Kyle: Maybe we should go for it.
Cartman: You guys go on ahead. I'm gonna... stay here, wait it out. [the other three boys turn to face him]
Kyle: Why?
Cartman: I just... I I don't feel very good. I'll just wa-, I'll just weigh you guys down.
Stan: Cartman's right. First rule of survival is stay put and wait to be rescued.
Cartman: No, it's okay. You guys go on ahead.
Kyle: No, we'll stay here too. If we start wandering off, we're gonna get lost or killed. Let's just wait here and hope help comes soon.
Cartman: That's cool. I just... I just wouldn't go over there [points to his last location] if I were you guys. I just took a huge dump.
Kyle: Aw, dude! [lifts his jacket over his nose.]
Scene Description: Cave of the Winds, outside. Rescue personnel have arrived and make their way towards the cave entrance. the tour guide demonstrates on a map what happened.
Miner 1: The cave-in was massive. It has cut off all access in or out. The children are believe to be trapped somewhere in this area. [circles with his index finger an area on the right side of the map]
Miner 2: Does anybody know who these kids are?
Miner 1: No, nobody seems to knew them. Only that they were in the tour group. Digging to them is going to take days.
Al Gore: [arrives, interrupting] Excuse me, Excuse me. This cave-in was no accident, and it isn't going to stop unless we move fast! I am super... duper... serial!
Miner 1: What do you mean? The cave-in is over.
Al Gore: I'm afraid you have a much bigger problem than a cave-in.
Miner 1: What's that? [Gore whips out a drawing of ManBearPig]
Fireman: What is that, a pigbearman?
Al Gore: No, stupid! It's ManBearPig!
Scene Description: Back at the inner collapse.
Stan: I'm sooo hungry. Do you think people even know we're here?
Kyle: They saw us on the tour. [Cartman comes back from the den] Dude, where do you keep going, Cartman?
Cartman: I just... n-need to keep taking a crap. I got diarrhea, really bad.
Kyle: Dude, it's bad enough we have to sit here without you taking a crap every ten minutes!
Stan: Let's just try to sleep. Maybe help will come tomorrow.
Scene Description: Sleep time at the inner cave-in. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny sleep. Cartman sits alone, smiling.
Cartman: [softly throughout] All that treasure. [gets excited] It's all mine! [gets angry] So long as these greedy assholes don't find out about it! [looks at the other boys] You would all just looove to get your hands on my treasure, wouldn't you?! Even though I found it, you'd love to think it's somehow yours, too! God, I hate you guys! [begins to crawl towards Kyle] Especially you, you money-grubbing snake in the grass! [reaches Kyle so that his face is smiling evilly down at Kyle's face. He whispers] Well I have news for you, Kyle! You're never going to get my treasure. I've got a little plan going, to get the treasure out of here without you ever knowing. [Kyle stirs and wakes up]
Kyle: C-Cartman?
Cartman: [says nothing for a few seconds, then] Oh. Hey Kyle. How's it goin'?
Kyle: Dude, what are you doing?
Cartman: Not much. You know, just hangin' out. How've you been, man? Good?
Kyle: Dude, get away from me!
Cartman: Yeah. It's nice talking with you, Kyle. See you around. [gets off Kyle]
Scene Description: Cave of the Winds, outside. The rescue personnel - rangers, firefighters, and paramedics - return to their work.
Al Gore: [whining, stamps his right foot when saying "serial"] Why won't anybody listen to me?! ManBearPig is in there and we have to kill him while we all have the chance. I'm serial!
Miner 3: Mr. Gore, please, we need you to calm down. Now, w-what exactly do you suggest we do?
Al Gore: I told you we need to fill the cave with hot molten lead, 'cause it's the only way to make sure ManBearPig never comes out! And I'm sane and I'm totally serial, but everyone just keeps digging!
Miner 3: Well, see, the problem is that if we fill the caves with hot molten lead, it will kill those boys too.
Al Gore: They're already dead! Didn't you listen to me?? They got attacked by a ManBearPig and ManBearPig leaves nobody alive! I'm super serial! Nobody will listen to me but I'm serial! [begins to weep]
Police officer: Do you want me to get the ex vice president out of here?
Miner 2: Naw, I f- I feel kind of bad for him. I don't think he has any friends.
Scene Description: Smuggler's Den, some time later. Cartman makes his way to it again with a bottle of water in his right hand. He heads straight for the treasure and cackles softly, then stops.
Cartman: [determined] All right. Gotta be strong. [looks at the coins in his hands] There's still a lot more treasure to go. [begins to swallow the coins and wash them down with "WOTTUR." He soon runs into some difficulty swallowing and drinking, so it seems like he's puking. The other three boys are awake and listening with concern]
Stan: Dude, he's really sick. [Cartman has moved on to swallowing necklaces and loose gemstones]
Scene Description: Cave of the Winds, outside. The media have gotten wind of the story, so an HBC reporting crew has joined the rescue personnel.
HBC reporter: It's been three days since four unidentified children were trapped in a cave-in. Three days without food and time is certainly running out. The digging continues, but progress is fatally slow.
Miner 1: All right, people, we've gotta work faster! Our best estimate still puts us three days from reaching the area of the cave called Smuggler's Den.
Ranger: Smuggler's Den?
Tour guide: Ih it's a room near the end of the tour where you can get your picture taken with fake treasure. Here, see? [holds up a picture of two kids standing in front of the treasure]
Miner 1: Based on where the boys were seen last, they're somewhere near this area! Hopefully they've followed the first rule of survival and stayed put.
Scene Description: Back at the inner collapse. Stan is asleep and Kyle goes to wake him.
Kyle: Stan! Stan, wake up!
Stan: [wakes up and rubs his eyes] Huh? What? Have they come for us?
Kyle: No, it's Cartman. Something's really wrong with him. [moves off, and Stan follows. Stan shines his light on Cartman, who's now overstuffed with the treasure he's been swallowing. Kenny holds the water bottle Cartman was drinking from]
Cartman: Meh, meuh urgh. [coughs] Mbeuh.
Stan: Oh my God. [runs up to Cartman] Cartman? Dude, can you hear me?
Cartman: [cough] I'm fahn. Just a lit- [gulp] No big deal. [burps] Beh.
Kyle: [taps Stan and takes him aside] We can't wait here any longer! Dude, we've gotta get him out of here or he's gonna die.
Stan: How, dude? We c- we don't even know if that passage I found goes anywhere.
Kyle: Maybe we should get out first. See if we can find a way out and then come back for him.
Cartman: NO DON'T! Don't leave me here, you assholes. Don't leave me here to die. [coughs]
Scene Description: Cave of the Winds, outside. The rescue mission continues.
Scene Description: Back at the inner collapse. Stan, Kyle and Kenny have climbed out and have wrapped Cartman up to hoist him out. Cartman coughs as he rises to the top. The boys are pulling with all their might.
Kyle: Come on come on! Pull!
Stan: Goddamnit, he's soo heavy!
Cartman: Buh. Hurry you guys. You gotta get me out of here. [grunts, and a fart comes out. His face lights up in alarm]
Kyle: What the hell is that??
Stan: Cartman?
Cartman: You guys, we've got no time! You gotta get me out!! [the boys pull again.]
Scene Description: A river nearby. A crane approaches the river with a hoist full of boulders. Al Gore is manning the crane, moving levers here and there, positioning the hoist.
Al Gore: This is the end of you, ManBearPig. [releases the boulders onto the river, and the water is diverted towards the cave] Excelsior!
Scene Description: Cave of the Winds, outside. The rescue personnel stare as they notice water flooding towards the cave entrance. The water enters the cave
Kenny: (We're almost there!)
Stan: [exhausted] I can't keep carrying him, dude! I've got no strength!
Cartman: Yes you do! [something drops, and the roar of flooding water is heard]
Kyle: What the hell is that? [the boys turn quickly to see where the sound is coming from, and the wave of water appears. Cartman coughs again. The water rises towards them.] Oh my God. [the boys back up]
Cartman: No! Let me out of here! Let me out of here, you guys!
Kyle: Ruuun! [the boys turn and run from the advancing water, but it overtakes them, sweeping them along]
Scene Description: Cave of the Winds, outside. The flash flood stops all activity.
Miner 1: That's it! Pull everyone out! There's nothing more we can do!
Fireman 2: You're calling off the rescue?
Miner 1: We didn't plan on a freak river flood. God must really want those kids dead.
Fireman 2: Well what if the children aren't dead?
Miner 1: Look, the cavern is completely flooded. Nothing could have survived. There's nothing left alive down there. [the guide and fireman turn right and walk past Al Gore]
Al Gore: [softly] Nothing left alive... [grins] I did it. I killed ManBearPig. I've saved the earth from certain destruction. Everyone is super-stoked on me, even if they don't know it.
Scene Description: Cave of the Winds, inside. The boys have been swept into a newly-made lake. Stan is the first to pop up out of the water. He swims to a nearby bank and holds on to a boulder. Kenny pops up next to him.
Stan: Kenny! Here, take my hand! [Kenny does so and makes it to safety. A change of POV shows Kyle hauling Cartman] Hurry Kyle, the water's rising!
Cartman: Grab my hand.
Kyle: Car... Cartman! You've gotta swim! Kick with your legs!
Cartman: I can't kick!
Kyle: Yes you can!
Cartman: I can't! Kick yourself back to safety!
Kyle: I need your help!
Cartman: No, you just have to save me. [Cartman stops and begins to drop down to the bottom, taking Kyle with him]
Stan: Kyle! No!
Scene Description: Cave of the Winds, outside. The music indicates a funeral, and it is so. Al Gore is at the podium giving a eulogy.
Al Gore: We are gathered here to say goodbye to four kids whom we all tried to help, but, in the end, could not. But where there is loss, there is hope. For ManBearPig is no more.
Tour guide: Oh Jesus, here we go again. [the mourners hold candles with little paper guards over their hands]
Al Gore: I have beaten ManBearPig, and we will never forget the names of the brave young kids who lost their lives. Kid 1, Kid 2, Kid 3, and of course, Kid 4. [off to the mourners' left, some rocks move and give way to a new opening] I remember how Kid 1 used to laugh and play. [a tour guide notices and watches. The rocks move some more and Stan appears] And how Kid 2 was always there when I needed him.
Stan: Agh.
Miner 4: [jumps out of his seat and stands up] Oh my God! ["Kid 4 was filled with hope and ... terrorism when..." Stan and Kyle work to pull Cartman out, but it's hard]
Miner 1: It's the kids! [everyone rises and runs towards the boys]
Miner 4: They're alive! [all four of them are out now]
Al Gore: [walks up to the boys] Kids! I saved you!
Stan: Just stay away from us, asshole! I was nice to you because I felt sorry for you, because you don't have any friends! But now I see WHY you don't have any friends! You just used ManBearPig as a way to get attention for yourself because you're a LOSER!!
Al Gore: [undaunted] Hyeah right. The man who singlehandedly killed ManBearPig is a loser. [grins. Cartman starts to groan]
Kyle: We need to get our friend to a hospital right away!
Cartman: No! No I'm fine! [begins to walk with difficulty] I just need to get home, a-and rest.
Stan: Cartman, seriously, you need to see a doctor.
Cartman: [leaving] Noo! I just need to get to a toilet. See you guys. I... [stops] habbeh... HABBEHHHHHHHHHH! [his pants rip open in the rear and much of the treasure he had swallowed comes flying out of his body. Then he farts. A long silence follows as everyone looks at him and at the fake treasure he just pooped out]
Kyle: Dude, did Cartman just crap treasure?
Cartman: It's mine! It's mine, you hear me?! I got it out of the cave; it belongs to me! Keep your greedy hands away!
Tour Guide 2: Hey, that looks like the fake treasure from our Smuggler's Den photo room.
Cartman: That's right, and I... [looks at the tour guide] Fake treasure?
Tour Guide 2: Yeah, we put it there for kids to take their picture with. All in all, I'd say that treasure is worth about fourteen dollars.
Cartman: Noo... NOOO!! [craps out some more treasure] NOO! OW!
Kyle: You made us pull you to safety because you ate treasure?! You son of a bitch!
Cartman: Don't you think I'm hurting enough, Kyle?! Ah, ow!! [craps out even more fake treasure] Dowww!
Al Gore: [now wearing a cape, loosely] Well, my work here is done. I've killed MBP, and now I must save the world from something else. Maybe I'll make a movie. A movie starring me. Then people will take me super-serial. [runs off in superhero pose]
Cartman: Eh! [a gold-colored vase pops out of his ass]


Scene Description: Mr. Mackey's office, day. He's at his desk with Liane and Eric facing him
Mr. Mackey: Mrs. Cartman, we have had it with your son's behavior, mkay?! Little Billy Turner is now being treated at the hospital!
Liane: Eric, why would you do such a thing?
Cartman: I'm sorry I handcuffed Billy Turner's ankle to the school flagpole.
Mr. Mackey: You know that's not the point!
Cartman: Okay, I'm sorry I handcuffed Billy Turner's ankle to a flagpole and then gave him a hacksaw. And then told him I had poisoned his lunch milk and that the only way he could get to the antidote in time would be to saw through his leg.
Liane: That's very naughty, Eric.
Cartman: Well he called me chubby!
Mr. Mackey: We have tried at this school to make Eric understand that there are boundaries, mkay?! But frankly, we believe his behavioral problems start at home!
Liane: [agreeing] I know. I know he's out of control. But... you don't know what it's like. [reaches into her purse, pulls out a napkin and cries into it] I'm sorry. It's just that... he seems to get worse every day. [crying through her words] He just never listens.
Cartman: Well nice goin', asshole! You made my mom cry!
Liane: It's not him, it's you, Eric. [Cartman's anger vanishes] I don't know what to do with you.
Cartman: Sure you do. You're a great mom.Who's got the greatest mom in the world?I dooo.My mom is number one in my heart.It's true!
Liane and Eric: My mom's the best mom, better than your mom.It's singing together in harmony.
Mr. Mackey: Mrs. Cartman, I know this is extremely difficult but, there is help out there for people like you. Have you ever heard of a show called Nanny 911?
Scene Description: Nanny 911 clips.
Announcer: They're every parent's worst nightmare. [Two boys are in a bedroom. The older boy jumps around on the bed and throws a blue pillow at the younger one, the younger one cries, gets up, and throws the pillow back at him.]
Girl: [in the bathroom with her father] Shut up! I hate you! I hate you! [runs away. Her father cries]
Announcer: Kids completely out of control. [a boy is at the dining table at home, next to a bowl of spaghetti. He picks up the bowl, turns it over, dumps the spaghetti to the floor, and wears the bowl as a hat]
Boy: [drops to the floor and slides around in the spaghetti] Look, I'm skating, I'm skating!
Announcer: It's time to call Nanny 911. [a silhouetted nanny walks in from the left and into the show's coats of arms. Next shot is a camera zooming into NANNY CENTRAL. Inside the manor the nannies are shown: Nanny Stella, Nanny Deb, Nanny Yvonne, and Nanny Skexis] We've gathered a team of world-class nannies to help families in crisis. [five kids are on a living room sofa. One kid dances around, another repeatedly bangs an object on the floor, two others throw stuff to the floor] Parents of America, help is on the way! [Cartman is shown finger-painting] Tonight...
Cartman: [grabs a can of Red Bull. Several more cans are scattered around, and one of them has tipped over and spilled some drink] Mom, I need another energy drink! [tosses a can away. Next shot, he's in the tub taking a bath and farts. Next shot, he has finished off the tacos his mom served him and takes one of hers without permission.]
Announcer: This eight year old son of a single parent just won't behave.
Cartman: [from his days supporting Mel Gibson's The Passion Of The Christ: pounds the table a few times] Wir müssen die Juden ausrotten!! [his hair gets messed up from the impacts]
Announcer: And Nanny Stella is selected to set him straight. [Stella, a stout blonde, walks toward Cartman's house, and people take second looks at her. She approaches Cartman's front door]
Stella: It's time for Nanny Stella to show Eric Cartman his ways are not going to be tolerated anymore! [knocks on the door. Inside, Cartman is playing a video game. Stella knocks again]
Cartman: Mom, are you deaf?! Somebody's at the door!
Liane: [walks by] Yes. I think it's the nanny, poopsiekins.
Cartman: Killer. I'm gonna be on TV now. [burps]
Stella: [Liane answers the door] Hello. I'm Nanny Stella.
Liane: Oh, thank you so much for coming. Please come in. [shows Stella in. Stella walks up to Cartman]
Stella: And you must be Eric.
Cartman: Mom, I want a Twinkie.
Liane: All, all right dear. [starts walking, but Stella stops her]
Stella: Hold on, Mrs. Cartman. There are going to be some rule changes around here, Eric. First of all, no video games until chores are done.
Cartman: [glances up at her] Ha! Hahahahahaha!
Stella: I'm serious. Let's put down the video game and go to the kitchen.
Cartman: [mocking her British accent] No thanks, I'd rather naught.
Stella: Right. Then I'm going to have to take it. [takes away the controller, then unplugs and gathers up the rest of the game console]
Cartman: The hell do you think you're doing?
Stella: Come on. [leads Liane and Cartman into the kitchen and sets the console down] This video game is going right here on the counter until we've done some chores. Now, first thing we're going to do is make your bed. [She walks off. Eric simply grabs the console and heads back to the living room, and she returns] Eric, no! This is not acceptable! [takes the console and sets it back on counter]
Cartman: Stop trying to bogart my Xbox, you fat bitch!
Stella: All right, that's it! [grabs his hand] You're going to time-out! [leads him away]
Cartman: Time out?
Stella: [takes him to a stool and places him on it as Liane watches] Whenever you are naughty, Eric, you are going to sit on this stool for five minutes.
Cartman: [glances down and thinks] And what exactly keeps me on the stool?
Stella: It's the time-out stool. You can't get down until the time is up.
Cartman: [looks at her, then hops off the stool] Whoa, how did I do that? [walks off to get his X-Box]
Stella: Eric, you have to stay in time-out!
Cartman: Ummm, no?
Stella: [approaches him, takes his hands off the console, and takes him back to the stool] Come on, you don't have a choice.
Cartman: All right, seriously, you're starting to piss me off now.
Stella: [genuflects and addresses him firmly] Eric, you need to listen to me. [to Liane] This is very important. I am getting down to eye level with Eric so that I can talk to him on his level. [to Eric] Eric, you need to understand why you are being punished. All right?
Cartman: I'm just gonna get down as soon as you move.
Stella: Well then, I'll just have to stand right here! [Cartman snorts inward, gathering up a wad of mucus and saliva and spitting it at Stella's mouth] Oh! [Cartman hops off and walks toward his X-Box] He spit in my mouth!
Liane: Yeah, it's best to avoid his level.
Stella: All right! I've dealt with this before! We just need to use psychology on him!
Cartman: [hooks up the X-Box again] Don't stop believing. Hold on to that feeling.
Stella: [genuflects behind him and embraces him] Eric, can I just talk to you for a quick second? Why are you so angry?
Cartman: Because you took my Xbox.
Stella: Is this about more than your video game? Are you feeling angry at me because you think I'm here to change your life?
Cartman: Well, yeah.
Stella: And you're feeling like I have no right to come in and tell you how to live.
Cartman: Yeah. I guess so.
Stella: [to Liane] See this? You have to take the time to talk to your children about their feelings. What else are you feeling, Eric?
Cartman: Well, I'm feeling confused, because I don't understand why you became a nanny.
Stella: Me? Well, it's because I love children, like you.
Cartman: Right, but... if you love children so much, how come you're not a mommy?
Stella: Oh, I just never had kids.
Cartman: Why not?
Stella: It... just... didn't happen.
Cartman: You're sterile, is that it? [she releases him, taken aback by that question] No, that's too convenient of an excuse. The truth is, nobody ever wanted to have babies with you. Isn't that it? [her jaw drops] Always the mom's maid and never the mom? Must be hard on you, knowing that the years are ticking away, your friends all getting married and all the while your uterus is slowly shriveling away, drying up, becoming totally worthless.
Stella: Why you, you... [stands up] you little bastard! How dare you?!
Liane: Eric, naughty.
Stella: What kind of [picks him up by the collar] monster would-
Cartman: Yes, let the anger come! Strike me down while you can! But it won't make your dried-up ovaries any more fertile! [Stella drops him and steps back a bit]
Stella: That's it! [walks up to the camera] I'm not doing this!
Liane: Oh, but we really need some help. [Stella steps back to talk to Liane]
Stella: Find yourself another nanny... television show!
Scene Description: Next nanny show: A British flag, then a smiling nanny, then the nanny next to a British phone, with three kids next to her, then an early limousine pulls up and she gets inside it, then an American flag appears, then she's having dinner with an American family. Last scene is a montage of children she's dealt with over the length of her career
Announcer: Coming up next, it's Super Nanny! Where other nannies fail, Nanny Jo comes through. [a parasol appears in her hand, then the camera pulls back to show three child silhouettes on either side of her. The silhouettes jump up and down]
Scene Description: The Super Nanny's limo rolls up to Cartman's house. In the back seat, she's holding up a portable DVD player. A scene of Nanny 911 is playing: Stella taking the X-Box from Cartman after they enter the kitchen
Jo: This child's behavior is totally unacceptable!
Scene Description: Cartman's front door. Jo walks up and knocks
Jo: Well, there's no trial too tough for Super Nanny! In just three days' time you're going to see a new Eric Cartman.
Scene Description: Three days later, Slater-Carey Mental Hospital. Inside, a doctor is walking down the hall with Liane
Doctor: I'm afraid Super Nanny is in a deep state of mental psychosis.
Liane: What do you mean?
Doctor: I mean, [looks into the nanny's room, 23A] she spends most of her time sobbing and eating her own excrement. [Liane looks inside through a window. Jo is glued to her toilet seat, eating her own shit.]
Jo: [through mouthfuls of poop] From heeell! It's from heeell!
Liane: Oh dear. I don't know what else to do about my son's behavioral problems. We've been through every nanny reality show on television.
Doctor: Well there... is... one more show you could still try.
Scene Description: Dog Whisperer title screen. First scene: two dog owners try to keep their angry dogs away from each other. Second scene, a Chihuahua tries to keep a lampshade his owner is trying to take from him. Next, a man runs through a meadow with four dogs. Next, he's skating down a city street with six dogs on leashes pulling him along. Next, he's training a dog at poolside. Next, he's handling a terribly agitated dog. Next, he's running along a shore with the six dogs he had on leashes earlier, now unleashed. Next, he's giving a dog's leash to its female dog owner. Finally, a montage of silhouettes with Cesar and a bunch of dogs
Announcer: When good dogs go bad, there's one man who's their best friend. Cesar Millan.
Cesar: No dog is too much for me to handle. I rehabilitate dogs, I train people. I am the dog wheesperer.
Scene Description: The Cartman house, day. Cesar approaches the front door and knocks. Liane answers
Liane: Please, come in.
Scene Description: The living room. Cesar walks in and quickly ignores Cartman
Cesar: So tell me what are the problems you are having with the child?
Liane: Well, he's just... out of control. I mean, he never listens to me, and he pretty much runs my life.
Cesar: So the child needs to learn that he's not the most important person in the house.
Cartman: You can stop talkin' behind my back; I'm right here, fruitcake.
Cesar: See I'm not looking at the child, I'm not acknowledging the child, I'm just letting the child know I'm not interested in him.
Cartman: Not interested in me?
Cesar: See the child thinks your world revolves around him, because it does. Because everything he does gets a response from you.
Cartman: Yeah, well I don't see why-
Cesar: [pinches him on the neck] Tsst.
Cartman: Hey!
Cesar: Don't look at the child; just keep looking at me. Let, let him know we are having a conversation.
Cartman: Mom, this guy doesn't-
Cesar: [pinches him on the neck] Tsst.
Cartman: Ah! Quit it!
Liane: What what is it that you're doing?
Cesar: Dogs show their dominance by nipping each other on the neck, but it works equally well on a child. I just use two fingers, nip at the child's neck, doesn't hurt the child, just let him know I am dominant.
Cartman: Look, Mexican, if you really think that you can-
Cesar: [pinches him on the neck] Tsst.
Cartman: KNOCK IT OFF!
Cesar: [pinches him on the neck] Tsst. See, I'm not validating his bad behavior with either negative or positive response.
Liane: Oh, that's very interesting.
Cesar: I think the first thing we need to work on is getting the child some exercise. He's fat and he has all this pent-up energy that-
Cartman: I'm not fat!
Cesar: [pinches him on the neck] Tsst. -we need to let him burn off. Do you take walks with your son?
Liane: Well, no, I don't.
Cesar: Go on, take your son for a walk.
Scene Description: Outside. Cesar and Liane are walking along, with Cesar holding Cartman on a leash and harness
Cartman: Ey! You think this is funny, you sonofabitch?
Cesar: See once again, I am the one going for a walk. It's about me, the child is lucky to come along.
Cartman: Mom, this is degrading!
Cesar: [pinches him on the neck] Tsst.
Cartman: Agh! Goddamnit! Aaarrgh! [begins to strain the leash, but can't get loose. He struggles to escape]
Cesar: Don't look at him, just look straight ahead and he'll run out of evergy soon. [Cartman tries to get loose from the leash, but Cesar reins him back every time. Cartman starts getting tired.]
Cartman: Maaaa. Mommm. [getting hoarse] Mommm.
Cesar: Here, why don't you try it now? Take your son. [Liane takes the leash and Cartman goes to her left side]
Cartman: Mom, seriously, people are seeing me!
Cesar: Good. Just keep your confidence, shoulders back, eyes straight ahead. The child can pick up on that confidence, learning he's supposed to follow you, not lead you.
Cartman: Mom, don't you love me? Can't you see I'm unhappy right now?
Liane: [pinches him on the neck] Tsst. [Cesar is pleased]
Cartman: Mom!
Cesar: Good, Ms. Cartman. Very good!
Scene Description: The Dog Whisperer, back to the show.
Announcer: And now, back to the Dog Whisperer.
Scene Description: Cesar is in the living room talking with Liane. A bag sits on the floor to his left.
Cesar: It is important to understand that dogs run in packs. And one dog is always dominant: the pack leader.
Cartman: [on the sofa to Liane's left] God dammit stop ignoring me!
Cesar: You must assert yourself as pack leader with dominant energy.
Liane: Ahall right.
Cartman: This is abuse! I am a child, and I am entitled to attention!
Liane: [pinches him on the neck] Tsst.
Cartman: Quit it, mom!
Liane: It doesn't seem to work as well when I do it.
Cesar: Okay, let me show you how to express the dominant energy. What I have done is I have brought over some Kentucky Fried Chicken. [pulls a bucket of chicken out of the bag. He and Liane walk away from the sofa]
Cartman: Ooo, Colonel?
Cesar: I am going to eat first, because that is what the pack leader does. [Cartman hops down from the sofa and goes to the bucket]
Cartman: Give, give me the chicken. G-give me some chicken.
Cesar: [pinches him on the neck] Tsst.
Cartman: Eh, what are you doing? I want chicken! Give me some Goddamned chicken!
Cesar: I am not going to acknowledge the child's attempt at aggressive dominant behavior. Now you eat the chicken. [hands the bucket to Liane]
Cartman: Mom, gimme, give me some chicken; I want some chicken, Mom!
Cesar: We won't reward him until he's in a calm submissive behavior.
Cartman: [to Cesar] Goddammit, I am not a dog! [turns to Liane and hops up and down like an excited dog] Give me the chicken. Give, give, give me the chicken. I want the chicken! Chicken! [gets shrill] Give me the chicken! Give me the chicken! Give me the chicken! Give me the chicken!
Cesar: [observing Cartman] We need him to become relaxed and submissive.
Cartman: Gih- [quiets down] Okay, I'm fine. I'm cool now. May I have some chicken please?
Liane: Oh, very good, sweetie.
Cesar: Oh no, now he's lying. You can tell from his stance he's still aggressive-dominant.
Cartman: Suck my asshole, taco vendor!
Cesar: See?
Cartman: Goddamnit, you can't stand here and eat KFC in front of me! [to Liane] Now hand it over!
Cesar: [pinches him on the neck] Tsst.
Cartman: You can't do that to me, I-
Cesar: [pinches him on the neck] Tsst. [Cartman sits on the floor]
Cartman: Goddamnit, you just can't-
Cesar: [pinches him on the neck] Tsst. [Cartman is on his back]
Cartman: Seriously! Ey? Eh... [he's now fully on his back, calm]
Cesar: I am not being aggressive; I am being dominant.
Liane: Wow, I have a lot to learn.
Cartman: [sits up, then stands] Mom, I am serious! This has gone on long enough! Get that guy out of here and give me a piece of chicken! [Liane ignores him by looking up and away] That's how you want it, bitch?! Fine! [goes upstairs] I hate you! I'm running away!
Liane: Oh dear. [Cartman's bedroom door closes]
Cesar: It's okay, this is all part of the dominance struggle.
Liane: But what if he does run away?
Cesar: Let him go. He'll be back. This a good opportunity for you to relax and enjoy your favorite hobby. [they walk toward the kitchen]
Scene Description: Stan's living room, later. Stan, Kyle, Butters, and Kenny are playing Monopoly.
Butters: [his turn] Oh boy, Park Avenue! I'm rich! [he and the dealer Stan exchange money through Kyle. Cartman enters]
Cartman: Hey guys, I've got some pretty big news. [sighs as Kyle takes his turn] I ran away from home. Yeah, my mom just... doesn't care about me anymore, so I moved out. She didn't even try to stop me. It's gonna be tough livin' on my own. But I'll get by, somehow.
Stan: [takes his turn] You can't stay here.
Cartman: Maybe you didn't hear me! I ran away! I don't have anywhere to sleep! I'm out on the street!
Kyle: You're not staying at my house either.
Cartman: All right, that's fine! Butters, I'll crash with you.
Butters: No, my parents won't let me bring homeless people home anymore.
Cartman: Well what do you guys expect me to do?! Stay at Kenny's house?! [Kenny takes his turn] His family's totally poor; I'm not staying with poor people! [play continues] All right, I'll stay with Kenny. Let's go, man.
Kenny: (Fuck you.)
Cartman: Och! Well, I guess now we see just how supportive friends can be! When the chips are down you won't even lend a hand! I'll just go sleep on the street somewhere! [Butters takes his turn] Out in the cold! Probably get mugged and gang-raped by some minorities! You guys'll be sorry when I turn up dead! [walks out and shuts the front door]
Butters: [taking his turn] Whoopie! G and R Railroad!
Scene Description: Jimmy's house. The doorbell rings and Jimmy walks over to answer the door. He opens it and sees Cartman there.
Cartman: Hey Jimmy. You're not gonna believe this, but... I ran away from home. I just... I really need the support of my best friend right now.
Jimmy: Who is your best friend?
Cartman: You are, Jimmy! We've always been best friends. We know everything about each other.
Jimmy: What's my last name?
Cartman: [tries to answer, but can't, so he leaves in a huff] Goddammit! [knocks on another door and Craig answers] Craig, dude, I ran away from home. You're the first person I came to. I knew you'd take me in off the streets.
Craig: ...But I hate you.
Cartman: ...Should that really matter at a time like this?
Scene Description: An alley in downtown South Park, during a rainy moment. Cartman sits next to a trash bin, shielding himself from the rain with some newspaper and some other sheets
Cartman: This is bullcrap! Mom'll break soon. I can outlast her.
Scene Description: Cartman's house, later. Liane is at the kitchen making a calligraphic painting. The front door closes and Cartman appears
Cartman: All right, I'm back.
Liane: Oh Eric, I'm so happy you're home.
Cartman: Yes, well, hopefully you've learned your lesson! I've come back, but there's going to be some changes around here.
Liane: Look what I did, Eric. I learned how to make Sumie paintings. I had almost forgotten how artistic I was.
Cartman: That's super-interesting. But I've been out living in the streets for almost four hours! Make me something to eat.
Liane: Cesar...
Cesar: How is the painting going?
Cartman: Aw, Goddammit!
Cesar: Oh look, it came back.
Liane: Yup, just like you said he would.
Cartman: What is he still doing here?!
Liane: He said he's hungry. What should I do?
Cesar: Well, let's feed it.
Scene Description: An hour or so later, they're seated at the dining room table for dinner
Cartman: What the hell is this?! Skinless chicken, boiled vegetables and salad?! This is just like Auschwitz!
Cesar: This is more aggressive-dominant behavior. Don't nurture it.
Cartman: Oh my God. Bite-size Snickers? That's it. I'm calling child-protective services! [gets off and walks to the phone]
Cesar: Come on, Ms. Cartman, you must become pack leader. What do you do?
Liane: Eric, if you don't want to eat then, why don't you go brush your teeth and go to bed?!
Cesar: Nooo, you're asking him a favor. Don't ask a favor, dominate! [they walk up to Cartman, who's ready to dial]
Cartman: Mom, I want this guy OUT of here! You got it? If he's not gone, in two minutes, I will call social services on you!
Cesar: You project the dominant energy and he will pick up on it. I promise. Shoulder back, head high, don't reason with it, don't argue with it, just dominate it.
Cartman: I am your son, and you will listen to me! You have no right to-
Liane: [pinches him on the neck] Tsst.
Cartman: Mon, know it off! I'm not gonna stand for th-
Liane: [pinches him on the neck] Tsst. [Cartman drops the receiver and sits on the floor]
Cartman: Seriously! Mom-
Liane: [pinches him on the neck] Tsst.
Cartman: Seriously! Why are you... doing this-?
Liane: [pinches him on the neck] Tsst. [Cartman is flat on his back]
Cartman: Mom?!
Liane: [pinches him on the neck] Tsst.
Cartman: Mom? Mom...
Liane: [makes sure Cartman is relaxed, then stands up and turns to Cesar] I did it! [smiles. Cartman doesn't move]
Scene Description: The living room, moments later. Cesar is back on a chair as Liane sits on the sofa
Cesar: You see? You're calm, assertive, and in control. [Cartman walks by, looking defeated, glances at Cesar, then at his mom, then sits by his mom on the sofa and cuddles up to her, a little warily]
Liane: Oh... Oh my gosh!
Cesar: See? This is the behavior we've been looking for. This is a relaxed, submissive state.
Liane: He's never done this before.
Cesar: Good. Now you can reward the behavior with praise and attention.
Liane: I love you very much, poopsiekins. You're Mommy's sunshine. [Cartman sniffs]
Cesar: Now you can give him a snack. [Liane offers Cartman a chunk of candy, which Cartman laps up like a dog] Good, this is really good. Now try a command.
Liane: Eric, I want you to go upstairs and brush your teeth. Then I'll be up to read you a story before bed. [Cartman doesn't do anything at first, then he hops off the sofa and heads for his room, head down] Oh my goodness. I can't believe it.
Cesar: This is a great first step, but you're gonna have to stay firm and confident. You are the pack leader now.
Liane: I am the pack leader! [grins]
Cesar: Now before you go read your son his story let's go enjoy a nice quiet cup of tea.
Liane: Sounds divine!
Scene Description: The bathroom. Cartman goes in to brush his teeth.
Cartman: Who does she think she is, telling me to go brush my teeth?! [despite his indignation, he looks compeled to follow orders. He gets up on the stool, gets the toothbrush, turns on the cold water, and gets the toothpaste] Jesus. What's happening to me?
Scene Description: Café Monet, day. Cesar and Liane wait to be served as a waiter attends other tables al fresco
Cesar: So, how is your son doing, Ms. Cartman?
Liane: Oh, he's been amazing, Cesar. He got an A on his last spelling test and a B+ in history. He's losing weight and he's doing what I tell him.
Cesar: That's greeat!
Liane: The best part is I'm not letting him boss me around anymore. I could have never come out and have a nice lunch on a Saturday afternoon with a friend before.
Cesar: Good, Ms. Cartman, sounds like you're treating your son like a son and not like a friend.
Liane: There's just one problem: he still fights me every step of the way. I feel like he's doing what I tell him, but that inside he's still the same angry spoiled child.
Cesar: Don't worry. When you correct the behavior, eventually you will see a change in the personality.
Liane: Oh Cesar, I'm so happy to have you in my life. [places her left hand on his right one - closeup shot]
Scene Description: Kyle's house, later. The boys have gathered there to play video games. Cartman enters, wearing a blue shirt and combed hair. He looks thinner
Cartman: Guys, listen up. I really need your help this time. I've thought about it a lot and I've decided I have to kill my mom.
Butters: Kill your mom?
Cartman: She doesn't let me wear whatever I want anymore. Things have really gotten out of hand! My mom must die so I can have a place to live, but without her trying to run my life. She's like Hitler with all the demands she makes.
Stan: Dude, have you lost more weight?
Cartman: Yes! I've lost almost ten pounds now. You see what I mean?? I totally know how it felt to be a Jew in the Holocaust now! I have to kill my mom. It's my only way out.
Kyle: Dude, don't kill your mom. That's not cool.
Cartman: She's Hitler! Would you have killed Hitler if you had the chance?! [rushes away and gets an easel with some schematics on it] All right now, here's the plan. At 9:45 tonight I will sneak out of my room and leave the house, leaving the back door unlocked. [the plan includes blaming Token for the murder] You guys come into the house at 10:30 p.m. sharp, having given me enough time to get down to Perkins to be seen by everyone there. And then all four of you go upstairs to kill my mom.
Stan: Dude, we're not killing your mom.
Cartman: Well I can't kill her. I'm too obvious a suspect. Now, when you reach her room, Butters will keep a lookout while Kenny opens the bedroom door, Kyle puts a pillow over my mom's head, and Stan shoots her in the face.
Stan: Where am I supposed to get a gun?
Cartman: Well I don't know. That's your job, Stan! Do I have to think of everything here?!
Stan: I'm not shooting anybody.
Cartman: Okay, fine. Butters, you cover my mom's head with a pillow and Kyle can shoot her in the face.
Kyle: NO, Cartman!
Cartman: Oh! Well how about I do everything?! How does that sound?! I'll just do everything while you guys sit here and play video games?! [the boys ignore him. He gets pissed off and walks away with the easel] Fine! I'll do it by myself!
Scene Description: Cartman's house, night, the master bedroom. Liane is sleeping in her bed. The door cracks open and light enters the room. A silhouette of Cartman and a sharp object rises from the floor. Cartman walks in with a roll of paper towels in his left hand and a large kitchen knife in his right hand. He climbs the bed and stands over her.
Cartman: You forced me to do this! You couldn't just love me as a son. [Liane moves a bit] You just had to humiliate and degrade me with your rules. I won't let you dominate my life anymore! [he moves the knife to a stabbing position] Goodbye, Mother. [about to deliver the fatal stab, he trembles for a few seconds, but his conscience gets a hold of him. Cartman relaxes a bit]
Cartman's conscience: Wait. Maybe I don't have the right to kill my mom.
Cartman: [shakes it off] No! She's my mom, I can do whatever I want with her! It's more important that I live the way I want!
Cartman's good side: She isn't an object you can own. She's a human being.
Cartman: She isn't an object I can own. Sh-she's a human being.
Cartman's bad side: No, she's just... out to make you suffer!
Cartman: Ugh. Eh. Maybe all these changes are good for me. Maybe...
Cartman's good side: The world doesn't revolve around me?
Cartman: [hops off the bed, dropping the knife and roll of paper as he heads for the door] Maybe the world doesn't revolve around me. [stops and vomits some pretty black stuff. Could be the evil in him]
Cartman's good side: The world doesn't revolve around me!
Cartman's bad side: Idiot! [Cartman pounds the floor and gets up. For a moment he turns into a snowy screen, then into a red silhouette, snowy screen, back and forth as he fights his sides leaving his mom's room and going to his. At his door he turns into a blob, which is added to the silhouette and screen effects until he passes out in the hallway]
Scene Description: Morning at the Cartman house. Liane has showered and dressed, and enters the room with the knife and roll of paper towels Cartman left in her room the night before. She's wondering how they got there. She might have asked Cartman how they got into her room, but she's more shocked by what she sees next. Cartman is at the table doing his math homework and eating breakfast at the same time, quietly
Liane: Why Eric, you made your own breakfast.
Cartman: Yeah Mom, it's okay. It's grapefruit and lean ham.
Liane: And you're studying before school?
Cartman: Well, you told me I had to review my homework before class started.
Liane: [a tear escapes her left eye] Oh, Eric. I'm very proud of you.
Cartman: Tha... thank you?
Liane: I love you, sweetie.
Cartman: 'K Mom, you're embarrassing me, jeez. [the doorbell rings and Liane goes to answer the door]
Liane: Cesar. I'm so happy you're back.
Cesar: How is the child doing?
Liane: Oh, he's amazing. I think the change in personality happened. He's doing things for himself now, and he seems to be accepting it. I've lost a best friend, but I've gained a son.
Cesar: That's much healthier for him, and when he gets older he'll be able to be your friend too.
Liane: You're the best, Cesar, and to show my gratitude I've got two tickets for you and me to see Madame Butterfly this Friday night.
Cesar: Well no, my work is done. I've got to get back to Los Angeles.
Liane: Oh... But I thought we were becoming friends.
Cesar: No, not really. You're just a client. Well, good luck to you. Gotta go. [turns around and walks away. Cartman shows up soon after]
Cartman: I cleared up the table, Mom. I'm gonna go upstairs and make my bed now. [waits a bit, then turns to go to his room. Liane turns around]
Liane: Eric, how would you like to go with me to see Madame Butterfly Friday night?
Cartman: No, that's okay. Besides, I told Stan and Kyle we could work on our science project then.
Liane: Well, what if I took you to Kentucky Fried Chicken afterward? [Cartman blinks, Liane genuflects] And then we'll go to Target and buy you a Mega Ranger.
Cartman: Could I... perhaps have... two Mega Rangers?
Liane: [hugs him] Yes, darling. You can have whatever you want. [A beatific smile appears on Cartman's face as foreboding music plays.]


Scene Description: Scenes from the World of Warcraft are shown. Various beings mill around. The camera pans down and a red-bearded dwarf walks into view.
Cartman: [as the dwarf, with mallet] Oh, dude! I just took the biggest crap. Hey-where are you guys?
Kyle: [voice only] We're over here, by the cart. [POV switches to three other characters - a blue knight, a green lady, and an orange knight stand around waiting for the dwarf. The dwarf walks into the group]
Cartman: Okay, I'm back.
Stan: [the blue knight, with sword and shield] Dude! We've been waiting forever!
Cartman: Well, I'm sorry, I had to take a dump!
Kyle: [the green lady with big breasts] If you didn't eat so much, you wouldn't have diarrhea all the time, fatass!
Cartman: Hey, I don't need to take any lip from a frickin' girl!
Kenny: [orange knight] [mumbles, then] (I think Kyle has fake titties, hahahaha)
Cartman: Heheh, totally, heheh.
Kyle: Come on, we have to finish the quest in Stonehaven. [walks off, and the others follow]
Randy: [voice only] Stan? [Stan stops] Stan?
Stan: H-hang on, guys, my dad wants something.
Randy: Stan!
Scene Description: Randy's den. Stan removes his headset and furiously glares at Randy.
Stan: What?!
Randy: [displeased] You've been on your computer all weekend. Shouldn't you go out and socialize with your friends?
Stan: [swivels around to face his dad] I am socializing, r-tard. I'm logged on to an MMORPG with people from all over the world, and getting XP with my party using TeamSpeak.
Randy: [stares, then gets dejected] ...I'm not a r-tard. [turns and leaves. Stan returns to his game]
Scene Description: World of Warcraft, the land of Azeroth.
Stan: All right, sorry guys. So where to now?
Kyle: See where I am? It's this way. [Stan joins the group. Kyle's character turns around, realizes its mistake, and jumps back around]
Cartman: Yeah, come on, let's go! [the four now walk abreast] I am the mightiest dwarf in all of Azeroth!
Kyle: Wow, look at all these people playing right now.
Cartman: Yeah, it's bullcrap. I'll bet half of these people are Koreans.
Stan: [stops and motions] Oh crap! It's that guy again! [a player approaches them and begins to dance. The character is wearing a helmet, boots, elbow-length gloves, and tight shorts. No shirt, no other armor]
Kyle: Who is this?
Stan: This is the guy that kept killing us after you went to bed!
Cartman: Get out of here, asshole!
Stan: He's a way higher level than us. It isn't fair.
Kyle: It's all right. He can't kill us unless we agree to duel. [the ganker jabs at Kenny, who immediately dies.]
Stan: Oh my God, he killed Kenny!
Kyle: [in a soft feminine voice, makes a fist and holds it up for emphasis] You bastard! [the ganker stabs Kyle and then Stan, who both drop and die]
Cartman: Don't you have better things to do than going online killing people?! [the ganker begins generating power] No! I don't want them to start over at the graveyard! [the ganker shoots a fireball at Cartman] No! [the fireball hits and Cartman falls face down and dies.]
Scene Description: Cartman's room. Cartman looks stunned, then throws down his headset
Cartman: That son of a bitch!
Scene Description: Gerald's den.
Kyle: Who is that guy?
Scene Description: Randy's den.
Stan: [head resting on left hand] Whoever he is, he is one tough badass.
Scene Description: The rogue's apartment. The rogue is actually an obese man who's taken to leaning back and playing WoW. Empty soda cans and candy wrappers litter his pad. A red glow emanates from his computer through a clear side panel. He continues playing while adjusting his glasses
Scene Description: Blizzard Gaming Entertainment, day, exterior. Lovely architecture.
Scene Description: Blizzard Gaming Entertainment, interior. A pool of telephone representatives fields incoming calls.
Rep: [female] World of Warcraft support line.
Stan: Yeah, we bought your game, and played it online, but every time we log in, some other player comes in and kills us!
Rep: O..ohhh that shouldn't happen. We designed the game so that players have to agree to a duel before they can kill each other.
Stan: Yeah? Well this guy does it anyway!
Cartman: He's a God damned butthole!
Rep: Really? That's odd. [her co-worker approaches. She muffles the mic to talk to him] More people calling in about their characters getting killed. [removes her hand]
Co-Worker: Oh no.
Rep: Well, we'll certainly keep a look out for that player and ban him from the network. [She muffles the mic] Better tell the guys upstairs.
Scene Description: Blizzard Gaming Entertainment, executive boardroom.
President: Fellow board members, we have a problem: somebody in the World of Warcraft is ignoring the World's rules...and is going around killing innocent players..
Member 1: Why kill innocent players? The game is about finishing quests.
Member 2: We've got to delete him from the servers.
President: We can't. Whoever this player is, he has played World of Warcraft so much, that he has reached a level we thought unreachable. He's actually able to kill our admins. And he grows stronger every day.
Member 3: Jesus...
Jim: [rises from his chair] I've gotta get home! My kids are playing World of Warcraft right now!
President: Jim, your kids' characters are already dead.
Jim: No... [sinks back into his seat] No... [frustrated] They just started playing!
Member 2: What kind of person would do this?
President: [walks back to the end of the table, by the doors] Only one kind. Whoever this player is, he has played World of Warcraft nearly every hour of every day for the past year and a half. Gentlemen, we are dealing with someone here who...has absolutely no life.
Member 3: How do you kill...that which has no life? [the question hangs there for a long time...]
Scene Description: USGS. Randy is working in a much better environment now - much more modern office, with several LCD screens around. Randy is online
Nelson: [walks into view] Randy, you workin' on that sediment analysis?
Randy: Not now, Nelson. I just joined a big party of night elves and we're gonna explore the Tower of Azora together.
Nelson: [walks up to Randy's desk] Is that a computer game?
Randy: No, r-tard, it's an MMORPG. These are real people I'm playing with. See, I'm a hunter, level 2. [he moves his blond character around] I can chat with all these other people. I can even wave to this guy, see? [demonstrates.] "Hello." [the character waves back] In the outside world, I'm a simple geologist, but in here...I am Falcorn, Defender of the Alliance. I've braved the Fargodeep mine and defeated the Bloodfish at Jarod's Landing. [the griefer returns and stabs Falcorn in the back, killing him, then walks away]
Nelson: Hm. Looks like that guy just killed you. [turns around and walks away]
Randy: What?? Why?? Why?!
Scene Description: Cartman's basement. Most of the boys in class are seated in chairs, listening to Cartman. In the back row are Tweek, Jimmy, Kevin, and Jason. In the middle row are Clyde, Token, Butters, and Timmy. In the front row are Craig, Stan, Kyle, and Kenny.
Cartman: My friends: as you all know, some giant butthole keeps logging onto Warcraft and killing all our characters.
Kyle: The past...four nights we've tried to play, he shows up and kills us!
Craig: He killed my character right in the middle of a quest!
Tweek: Mine too!
Cartman: We've learned that the four of us can't fight him alone. But, if we all log in together!, we might have a chance.
Token: Hey yeah!
Jimmy: We can really stick it to that assm-m-muncher!
Clyde: Are you guys dumb? We can't beat him, even with all of us. It's a waste of time.
Stan: Dude, we have to try.
Clyde: I've got better things to do.
Cartman: Clyde, Clyde! [moves around his podium to talk to Clyde more directly] If you had a chance right now to go back in time and stop Hitler, wouldn't you do it? [beat] I mean, I personally wouldn't stop him because I think he was awesome, but you would, right?
Clyde: [unshaken] I'm just gonna stop playing.
Cartman: When Hitler rose to power there were a lot of people who just stopped playing. You know who those people were? The French! Are you French, Clyde?
Clyde: No.
Cartman: Voulez-vous coucher avec moi, Clyde? (Would you like to sleep with me, Clyde?)
Clyde: All right all right, I'll do it!
Jimmy: So what's the p-plan?
Cartman: All right, you all login from your computers at precisely 7:30. [walks up to a map of their quest] We will meet here, on the plains of the elven forest near Westfall. My friends, to victory!
All: To victory!
Butters: I don't play World of Warcraft.
Cartman: Butters, you said you were on your computer all the time!
Butters: Yeah, but I'm playing Hello Kitty Island Adventure.
Cartman: Butters, go buy World of Warcraft, install it on your computer, and join the online sensation before we all murder you.
Butters: O-oh, o-oh, a-alright. All right then.
Scene Description: World of Warcraft, near Westfall. The camera looks upon a meadow, then pans down to show a group of characters. Cartman is marshaling his forces.
Cartman: All right, you guys, this is it! When the attack begins, all warriors click on defensive stance. Everyone else, wait for Craig to cast his intellect buff.
Token: [playing a black warrior] Okay.
Craig: Got it.
Cartman: The battle is sure to be long, so make sure you all have your special abilities macroed to your keyboards.
Jimmy: All right, Eric. You can c-c-count on us.
Timmy: Timmy!
Cartman: This shall be a day for all to remember! Let us bravely charge the fields of Azeroth! [another dwarf walks in looking just like Cartman's dwarf] From with-
Butters: Hey fellas! [Cartman's dwarf looks over] Boy, this is neato, huh?
Cartman: Butters? What the hell are you doing?
Butters: I got World of Warcraft, like you said.
Cartman: You can't be the dwarf character, Butters, I'm the dwarf.
Butters: Well, there's only like four races to choose from-
Cartman: So pick another one! I'm the dwarf, you stupid asshole! Log out, create a new character, and log back in!
Butters: [walks off grumbling] I like Hello Kitty Island Adventure a lot more 'n this stuff.
Stan: Come on, let's do this!
Jason: Yeah, my mom says I have to be in bed at 9:30.
Cartman: [turns around and leads] Then let's move out! [the others charge after him]
Scene Description: A field. The ganker walks along his merry way, but with one armswing he slaughters other players nearby with an energy blast. It's a very effective move.
Stan: Look! There he is!
Cartman: Everyone hold! [everyone stops in their tracks. The ganker turns around and faces them.]
Kyle: He's targeting us.
Cartman: Prepare to charge! Scroll over him with your mouse cursors! And...Right-click! [that sends the group charging at the ganker, who responds by summoning an army of giant scorpions] What the? Oh Jesus, he summoned scorpions! [the actual rogue player is shown in his apartment, leaning back on his chair and playing without needing to think very much about what to do next. His character and scorpions decimate the group]
Tweek: Aaaa! [his character runs all over the place, with no one offering to smother him and put out the flames] I'm burning! Oh Jesus I'm burning! [a scorpion kills Kenny's character nearby]
Jimmy: Kenny's down. K-k-kenny is down. [Tweek is still burning, running around]
Ike: [purple mage] I'm gonna poop on my pants.
Kyle: Ike, look out! [the ganker rushes in and stabs him in the back]
Ike: Aah Kyle! [Ike is out of the game. Stan runs through a group of scorpions]
Cartman: All right, Clyde, hit him with your crossbow! [Clyde's character looks like he's about to aim a crossbow] Hit him now, Clyde! Clyde? Clyde! [Clyde is at his computer, but not participating in the game. He's looking at Playboy centerfolds.] Clyde! Clyde, you asshole! [rushes to join the others] Goddammit we lost Clyde!
Scene Description: Nearby, Stan is fending off scorpions, and the blond hunter walks up.
Randy: Hey, Stan, can I play with you guys? [Stan's character turns around]
Stan: Dad??
Randy: Yeah, I'm playing from the office.
Stan: Dad, get off our teamspeak line!
Token: [the ganker kills him] That's it, I'm dead!
Stan: [the ganker kills him. He throws off his headset again] That's it, screw this game!
Cartman: No, leave me alone, don't do- [the ganker stabs Cartman with his dagger through the mallet] god, dugh [Cartman dies, and the ganker skips away. Cartman screams into his mic, then throws down his headset] God-fucking-dammit!!! [meanwhile, in his apartment, the ganker just keeps plugging along.]
Scene Description: The Blizzard boardroom.
Member 3: Oh Jesus...Oh God no...
President: What?
Member 3: He just finished killing every single player in the Arathi Highlands.
Member 1: How many people's characters were in there?
Member 2: Over five thousand. [some of the members sit down. Member 1 rises]
Member 1: There are over seven million people who log on to World of Warcraft! Are you telling me all those people's characters are going to die, and there's nothing we can do to save them?
President: Yes. And it won't be long before everyone gets really really frustrated and stops playing altogether. Gentlemen, this could very well lead to the end of the World...of Warcraft.
Member 5: [grabs his head] No! Nooooooooo!
Scene Description: The neighborhood park. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny are playing basketball. Cartman enters the park.
Cartman: What the hell are you guys doing?? Don't tell me you all quit playing World of Warcraft too?!
Stan: Dude, we're done. we're sick of getting killed all the time.
Cartman: Guys, when things look bad, you can't just give up on the world. Of Warcraft.
Kyle: We don't have a choice, dude. That guy killed our characters 14 times.
Cartman: I have a solution, you guys. That guy can kill us so easily because he's a super-high level, right? What if we were super-high level too?
Stan: We can't get to a higher level because that dude doesn't let us finish quests!
Cartman: That's why we just need to log in and stay in the forest, killing boars.
Kyle: Boars?
Cartman: There's lots of computer-generated boars in Warcraft that die with just one blow.
Kyle: Dude, boars are only worth two experience points apiece. Do you know how many we would have to kill to get up 30 levels?
Cartman: Yes. [whips out a sheet full of calculations] Sixty-five million three hundred and forty thousand two hundred and eighty five. Which should take us seven weeks five days thirteen hours and twenty minutes, giving ourselves three hours a night to sleep. What do you say, guys? You can just...you can just hang outside in the sun all day tossin' a ball around, [firmly] or you can sit at your computer and do somethin' that matters.
Scene Description: World of Warcraft. "Live to Win" by Paul Stanley begins to play. The four friends are back in the forest looking for boars. They slaughter the boars as they come upon the groups of them. Cartman chugs down energy drinks and has doughnuts and other sweets around his keyboard. He wipes his mouth dry with his jacket sleeve. In the McCormick living room Kenny plays while his parents argue in the background. In Gerald's den, Ike nourishes Kyle on the fly. The days fly by, starting at September 3...During recess and lunch, as the other kids play outside as usual, the boys are at computers at the school's computer lab playing WoW. As Tweek, Craig, Clyde, Kevin, and Token play football in the street outside, Stan plays WoW in his room. Day passes into night and back into day...
Paul Stanley: Live to win, 'till you die, 'till the light dies in your eyes!Live to win, take it all, just keep fighting till you fall! Day by day, kickin' all the way, I'm not cavin' inLet another round begin, live to winYeah! [...and back into night...Stan's first pimples appear and his face is fatter.]Live! [More pimples appear, and his hair begins to look matted]Yeah!Win! [He's gotten fatter than Cartman normally is, to the point where he's too fat to wear his jacket anymore]
Scene Description: The Blizzard boardroom. Executives are monitoring the gameplay.
Member 3: Sir, you'd better have a look at this! Four of our subscribers...They've gone up fifty levels in three weeks.
President: My God...they must have no lives at all.
Member 3: A hope?
President: A chance.
Paul Stanley: Live to win, 'till you die, 'till the light dies in your eyesLive to win, take it all, just keep fighting 'till you fallDay by day, kickin' all the way, I'm not cavin' inLet another round begin, live to winLive to winLive to winYeah, win.
Scene Description: Kyle's room, 6:30 a.m. He rises from bed, which means he went to bed at 3:30 a.m. He's gotten as big and pimply as Stan. He hops out of bed, heads for his father's den and then to the computer and logs into the game to slaughter more boars.
Kyle: Dude, my mouse-clicking finger hurts.
Cartman: Keep clicking, Kyle! You can do it!
Scene Description: Kenny's playing from the living room. Stan is at his dad's computer now, and Randy looks in on him. Stan earns an xp of 142. Cartman has gotten so big he looks like Jabba the Hutt. His fingers are shown up close typing away. Kyle flexes his right wrist and fingers to get circulation back in them, them resumes playing the game. More boar slaughter ensues. Next, Cartman is shown on the toilet crapping away and reading the World of Warcraft game manual. Stan's left hand is shown typing away. Kenny's still at it, but he's not as big as Stan is now. Stan looks like a huge baby...with pimples. Back at school, the boys are back in the computer lab playing away. As the music ends, Cartman raises his fist seemingly in victory
Scene Description: The Blizzard boardroom, night. The president looks out over the city from the boardroom. He stands at a table in front of the window, on which stand some WoW statuettes.
President: The admins tell us they are four players from a small town in Colorado.
Member 1: Are they strong enough to defeat the Evil One?
Member 5: [wearing a black T-shirt with the green words "Dwarf Needs FOOD!" on it] We ran the numbers: even with their amazing rise in levels, they have a 90% mortality probability. They'd be walking in a slaughter!
Member 1: There has to be...someway we can help them.
Member 6: What about...the Sword of a Thousand Truths?
Member 7: Quiet, Thomas! We aren't even to speak of that sword!
Thomas: But maybe these new players are the ones the prophecy foretold of.
Member 7: It is not an option!
Thomas: What is this sword?
President: Long ago, when the World of Warcraft was created, one of the programmers put a sword called the Sword of a Thousand Truths into the game inventory. Apparently it could cause 120 damage per second, with an instant mana burn and an enchantment that boosts its stamina +80.
Member 7: But the sword was considered to be too powerful for anyone to possess. So it was removed from the game and stored on a one-gig flash drive.
Thomas: But it was foretold that one day, players who could wield the sword might reveal themselves.
Member 1: Who foretold this prophecy?
President: Soltzman. He's an accountant.
Scene Description: The accountants' room, night. The executives open the door and walk in slowly, softly. Member 1 opens the top drawer and pulls out a small safe, gets the key and opens it. The President reaches in side and pulls out the small flash drive.
President: Behold, the Sword of a Thousand Truths. [the flash drive gets its close-up] We must get this sword to the ones who have proven they have no life. Let's just hope to Christ they don't start the battle before we can reach them.
Scene Description: Cartman's basement, night. The boys have taken their computers and assembled them in the basement. They are all now connected and online.
Cartman: All right, you guys. The Moment of Truth is here. It is time for our final battle. Everyone, log in!
Stan: I'm in.
Kyle: Me too.
Kenny: (Me too.)
Cartman: [begins to slur his speech ever so slightly, giving it a blasé feel] Everyone equip healing potions to the hotbar if you haven't already. Uh, Kyle, go ahead and cast Arcane Brilliance to raise our intelligence.
Kyle: Hang on, I'm chaining my fire spells for max range.
Cartman: Nice. Stan, what enchantment does your Cloak of the Tiger have?
Stan: +15 agility.
Cartman: Give the cloak to Kenny, he needs the agility boost for bow attacks.
Stan: 'K.
Kyle: Hold on, this fight could last more than twelve hours. What if we run out of food?
Cartman: Don't worry, I have that covered. [pressed a button on a small intercom on his desk] Mom?
Liane: Yes hon?
Cartman: More Hot Pockets!
Liane: [answering at the other end] Right away, hon. [Cartman turns it off]
Stan: That's übercool.
Cartman: All right, everyone ready?
Kyle/Stan: Ready.
Cartman: Let's go get him! [the battle begins. The rogue is playing with the right hand, eating a cookie with the left.]
Stan: Wait, I think I see him. Yeah, yeah, he's here in Goldshire.
Cartman: Okay, everyone open your uplifts and autolocate to Stan.
Kyle: What's the autolocate macro?
Cartman: Command-0. [sniffs]
Kyle: Okay, right behind Stan.
Cartman: Kenny, get ready to turn on true-shot aura. At that moment, I will use intimidating shout.
Stan: Okay, he sees us...He's targeted us.
Cartman: Okay, hit him with pyroblast, Kyle.
Kyle: Casting...there's an 8-second cast time.
Cartman: Aren't you spec'd to reduce cast time?
Kyle: No, ah, I'm an arcane fire mage.
Cartman: Christ...
Kyle: Cast on him again.
Cartman: Everyone target scorpions.
Scene Description: World of Warcraft, final battle. The four boys are attacking the ganker, who's just defending himself right now, mostly attacking Kenny. Seventeen hours later...the rogue is sitting up, signifying that he's paying attention now that the boys have battled him this long without dying. Meanwhile, the President of Blizzard and Member 1 arrive at Stan's house. Member 1 bangs on the door. The door opens
Randy: Yes?
Member 1: We are looking for a great knight by the name of LovesToSpooge.
Randy: That's my son's character's name in Warcraft.
President: Where is he?!
Randy: Who are you?
President: Sir, we don't have time! We just heard from our admins that your son's party is already in battle!
Member 1: Unless they have this sword, [pulls out the flash drive] your son's character is going to die!
Randy: [close-up, Randy's eyes widen] Nn-Oh my God! [drops his coffee cup and runs upstairs. The two other men look at each other and follow]
Scene Description: Back in the World of Warcraft the battle continues.
Cartman: Kyle! Fire spell!
Kyle: Aaaa... [starts generating the spell, but it abruptly goes out] AH! Huh?! [his character grabs her right wrist with her left hand]
Stan: Kyle! [Kyle leaves his desk grabbing onto his right hand, then flexes his right wrist around. Stan leaves his desk and approaches him] Kyle! Dude, what's wrong?
Kyle: Carpal tunnel! Carpal tunnel! It's aaaah! [pain shoots through his wrist as he continues flexing his wrist and stretching his fingers]
Stan: Oh, Jesus, he's got it bad! [Cartman walks over]
Cartman: Wait, we need Ben-Gay. [waddles to Kenny's desk desk and pulls out a tube of the stuff, then walks back and squirts some of it onto Kyle's right wrist, then rubs it in.]
Stan: Hurry dude!
Cartman: I'm going as fast as I can!
Stan: Kyle, you have to keep playing.
Kyle: I can't. Just leave me behind.
Stan: We can't do this without you now! Come on! [he and Cartman help Kyle back to his computer]
Scene Description: Stan's room. The computer is missing. Randy and the two executives run in
Randy: Stan?! Stan! [turns around and sees Sharon walk by with the laundry] Sharon, where is Stan?!
Sharon: I don't know. He took his computer somewhere to play that stupid online game.
Member 1: Stupid?
Randy: Where?!
Sharon: I don't know.
Randy: Sharon, his character is going to die if we don't get to him!
Sharon: So what?
The three men: So what?! [Sharon rolls her eyes and walks away]
President: We're too late. Without the sword the players will fail.
Member 1: I-if we could get to a computer, we could sign on to the World of Warcraft and give the boys the sword online.
President: I don't have a World of Warcraft account. Do you?
Member 1: No, I have a life. [the men fall silent]
Randy: Give me the sword.
Member 1: You?
Randy: I have a Warcraft character. I'm a newb, but I can log on and get the sword to Stan online.
Member 1: We can't trust the Sword of a Thousand Truths to a newb!
Randy: Sounds to me like we don't have a choice! Give me the sword. [Member 1 kneels and reverently gives the USB drive to Randy. Randy holds it above his head like an actual sword] Ahhhh. Come on, we've got to get to a computer that works! [runs out of the house with the other two men behind him]
Scene Description: Outside, night, snowing.
Randy: Where's your car?
Member 1: We took a cab here!
Randy: Dammit, mine's in the shop! [runs out into the street] Uh hey! Eh help! Stop! [a car slows down] Please, it's an emergency! [the driver opens his door, Randy yanks him out and knocks him out with one punch. Randy and the other two men get in the car and speed away. The driver comes to and looks on. Randy is now on his cell phone] Nelson! Nelson, I need to come over and use your computer! No, I d-I need to play World of Warcraft! NELSON!
Scene Description: The rogue's apartment, day. He's eating tortilla chips. Part of one falls onto his shirt. He looks at it and scoots it off, then goes back to playing without missing a beat.
Scene Description: Cartman's basement. The boys haven't missed a beat either.
Cartman: All right, major stone shield potions should be...Oh God, I'm going to have diarrhea again. Ohhh...Duuuh...
Stan: You can't go to the bathroom, you're stacking sunder armor!
Cartman: It's okay. [clicks on the intercom] Mom? Bathroom!
Liane: What hon?
Cartman: Bathroom! Bathroom! [clicks off. A second later Liane goes into the basement with a bedpan. Cartman senses this and lowers his pants as Liane positions the bedpan in place. Cartman lets go and a log comes out first, followed by a spattering stream of crap. Some of it ends up on the floor, some of it on Liane's blouse. Nasty.]
Liane: Oohh, that's a big boy, isn't he? [walks away with the poop. Cartman lifts his pants back in place without cleaning his ass]
Cartman: All right, Kenny, drink your elixir of the mongoose. I'm now going to use mocking blow.
Scene Description: The road, night. Randy hangs up and rests his cell phone when he notices a Best Buy off to his left. He pulls into the parking lot and runs into the store. He grabs a greeter.
Randy: World of Warcraft! I need to play!
Greeter: Our demo is set up right over by the- [Randy runs to the demo. A small boy is playing the game. Randy shoves him off and logs him out.]
Randy: Got to...sign in...character name...All right, I'm in! [puts on the headset]
Scene Description: Cartman's basement.
Stan: Dude, I'm almost dead.
Cartman: Kyle, cast arcane missiles!
Kyle: I'm out of mana, I told you.
Scene Description: Within the game.
Stan: [his character leaves the battle] I've gotta heal. [his character turns to see the battle]
Randy: Staaan! [Stan's character looks around trying to determine where the voice is coming from, then turns around]
Stan: Dad? Not now!
Randy: Stan! I've been sent here...to bring you this. [holds the Sword of a Thousand Truths aloft] This sword can completely drain his mana.
Stan: Dad, how did you get that?!
Randy: No time! Just take it! Here! [the sword stays fixed to his left hand] ...How, how do you hand something from one player to another?
Stan: Bring up your inventory screen: Control-I...
Randy: Okay. [The ganker notices the lull in action and faces Stan. Cartman is alarmed and spins around to look at Stan.]
Cartman: Stan, what the hell are you doing?! [the ganker runs and leaps toward Stan and Randy]
Stan: I got it! [the ganker stabs Randy and Randy goes down]
Randy: Augh!
Stan: Dad!
Randy: Stan... [falls down face first]
Stan: Dad, no! [turns around to face the ganker] You killed my father. [walks up to the ganker and strikes him with one blow of the sword. The ganker's defenses start to crack.]
Cartman: His shield and armor spells are down!
Kyle: Attack! [Kenny quickly takes his bow and arrow and fires an arrow into the ganker's chest. Kyle fires an energy ball at the ganker. The energy ball knocks the knife from the ganker's hand and disables him some more. He falls to the ground on all fours, and the dwarf approaches him, ready to smash the ganker's head in with the mallet]
Cartman: Looks like you're about to get pwned. [swings back and then pulls the mallet forward] Heeyeah! [the mallet smashed the ganker's head into little bloody pieces.]
Scene Description: The rogue's apartment. The rogue sits at his desk as usual, but now his mouth is slightly open in astonishment. Random noises follow, and his game is through.
Scene Description: Within the game, Stan throws away the Sword of a Thousand Truths and rushes up to his father's dying character. He shakes the character around a bit
Stan: Dad? Dad?
Randy: [answers] Staaan. [falters a bit, but Stan holds him up] I've never been able to say this before, but...I love you, son.
Stan: I know you do, Dad.
Randy: [swats Stan's hand away] Augh! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...
Scene Description: Cuts to Randy continuing the melodrama at the demo desk in Best Buy.
Member 1: They did it!
President: Our world is saved! [Randy smiles]
Scene Description: Within the game. The boys' characters gather around the fallen ganker. Other characters appear and gather around the group
Man 1: They did it! They killed him! [leaves his hiding place. Others follow]
Man 2: They did it!
Woman: They killed him! We can come out!
Cartman: Yes!
Stan: We did it!
Cartman: Yeah!
Scene Description: Cartman's basement.
Stan: Yeah.
Kyle: Yeah yeah.
Cartman: All right, yay.
Kenny: (Woohoo! Oh man!)
Cartman: We did it you guys. We're totally heroes.
Kyle: That was such über pwnage
Stan: I can't believe it's all over. What do we do now?
Cartman: What do you mean? Now we can finally play the game.
Kyle: Oh yeah.
Cartman: Okay Kenny, add Eyes of the Beast to your hotbar. Stan, check your fury talents to boost your shots.
Stan: Got it.