Scene Description: Park County Fair, day. South Park is more spread out these days. Looking like a small city now. People mill around. The boys walk along a fairway. Cartman pulls out a small firecracker and tosses it on the ground before Kyle and cackles softlyv
Kyle: [stops so he doesn't get hurt and glares] Stop it, Cartman!
Cartman: Pfaha, so funny. [pulls out another firecracker, tosses it before Kyle, and cackles]
Kyle: [stops] Goddammit Cartman, stop throwin' those stupid poppy-things at me! [Cartman cackles some more. The boys approach a booth: Roger's Edge]
Roger: Come on and take a look, folks. We've got a lot of knives for sale here. [Stan stops before a table, "Weapons of Asia," and marvels at the weapons displayed there.]
Stan: Oh my God, look! [the other boys turn and walk up] Martial arts weapons from the Far East. [the sign reads "Martial arts weapons of the Far East"]
Kyle: [softly] Wow, cool.
Stan: Dude! We should each buy a weapon, and then we'll be like ninjas.
Cartman: Yeah. We won't have to take crap from anybody.
Kyle: [turns away] Our parents won't let us have weapons, dude. [the others turn as well]
Cartman: Who's gonna tell them, dumbass?!
Stan: Yeah, dude, our parents are gonna be at the stupid fair all day long. They'll never know what we bought. [the boys turn back to face the table] I'll get the tonfas. [they look like the nightsticks police use, but made of wood] Those are so sweet.
Cartman: I'm gonna get those killer sai. [swords with horns at the hilt are in there. Cartman notices a weapon off to the right] Look Kenny! There's something even you can afford! A ninja shuriken [ninja star] for a dollar ninety nine.
Kenny: (Shuriken. Awesome!)
Roger: [approaches] Can I help you boys? [the boys step back from the table to see him.]
Stan: Yeah. We wanna get one of each of these ninja weapons.
Roger: Okay, uh, you need to have your parents here when you buy them, though. I, I can't sell to anyone under eighteen without parents' permission. [the boys look at each other]
Cartman: Parents? Parents?! [fakes a sob] Oh God! [starts sobbing loudly and turns away.]
Roger: Wha- wha- what's the matter? [Cartman continues sobbing]
Stan: We, we're brothers, see, and our parents... died in a car accident last year.
Cartman: Why?! [Stan cries, then covers his eyes. Cartman turns around, still sobbing] Why?! Why did you have to take them both?! Why?! [Kenny begins to sob] Why?! [Kyle observes his friends, then joins them in the sobbing]
Kyle: Why do people have to keep reminding us of what we don't have?!
Roger: [tries to soothe them] It's all right, it's all right boys. Don't cry, I'll... I'll just... go pack these up for you, okay? [takes a few weapons and leaves. The boys cry a bit more, then stop]
Stan: Goddamn, that's like the twelfth time that's worked.
Scene Description: Cartman's house, moments later. The boys are in his basement mastering their new weapons. Each boy gets the weapon he wanted. Kyle gets the yellow-ended nunchucks
Stan: [with his tonfa] Kiya! Kiya!
Kyle: Kaii yo! [one end of his nunchaku hits his hat a few times]
Cartman: Giya! Shut up, hippies! I'll kill you! [lunges] Iya!
Stan: [sweeps one of his tonfa around and transforms] With my tonfa of Takanawa, I become the great and powerful ninja Shadowhachi, born to fight evil and people I don't like.
Kyle: Yeah. And my powerful nunchakus make me into Bunroku [he transforms], a deadly but compassionate ninja who protects those in trouble.
Stan: What's your ninja name, Kenny?
Kenny: [already transformed] (unintelligible)
Cartman: [already transformed] Yes. And I... am Bulrog. Tough brute ninja who has dedicated his life to eradicating the world of hippies.
Stan: All right, ninjas! Let's go protect the world!
Cartman: Kick ass! [the boys head out]
Scene Description: Outside, the neighborhood. The boys walk out onto a new, more-detailed landscape
Cartman: Hey, you guys, you know what we should do? We should go show our weapons to Craig and those guys. They'll be so jealous.
Kenny: (Yeah, that'd be awesome!)
Kyle: [cautions] No dude, we can't go around showing our weapons to people. Our parents'll find out we have them.
Cartman: Ech! You see, guys? This is why Jews can't be ninjas! They've got no spine!
Kyle: [the background is a motion blur] You don't know anything about Jews, fatass!
Cartman: Oh yeah?! My mom took me to see Mel Gibson's movie, The Passion, and Mel Gibson says you are sneaks and you are liars. And if the Road Warrior says it, it must be true.
Stan: Don't worry, Kyle. Craig's not gonna tell on us. Come, ninjas, let's go. [they walk off and approach Craig's house, which is done up in Japanese style. Stan stops and whispers] All right, this is it.
Cartman: Yes. The residence of the one called... Craig. [the boys approach quickly]
Kyle: I still say this is a bad idea.
Scene Description: Craig's house. Stan pounds on the door
Stan: Ninja positions! [the boys get into their first positions and Craig opens the door] Hello, Craig!
Cartman: [shows off his sai] Look what we got.
Craig: Where'd you get those?
Stan: We can't tell you where we got 'em! It's secret ninja stuff.
Cartman: [moves past Stan] Ooo, is that jealousy I see in your eyes, Craig? Mmm, yes, drown me in the sweet water of your envy.
Craig: Uh-uh, they're not that cool.
Stan: Hyeah, "they're not that cool." These are real authentic weapons from the Far East.
Kyle: But don't tell anybody we have them.
Cartman: Ugh.
Token: [appears with Clyde, behind Craig] Whoa! Where'd you get those?!
Clyde: Let me see.
Stan: Uh, we'd love to hang out guys, but we have important secret work to do. [turns and walks away]
Cartman: Yes. The life of a ninja is complex and full of peril. [he and the other two turn and walk away as well] Come on, ninjas!
All: Ho! [they trot off. Craig closes the door]
Scene Description: On the road
Cartman: Aw man, did you see the look on Craig's face?! That was awesome!
Stan: Dude, we're like the coolest kids in the whole state! [Butters shows up before them]
Butters: Hey fellas. What's happenin'?
Cartman: We're playing Ninjas, Butters.
Butters: Wowee! Hey, can I play, ninjas with you?
Cartman: No, Butters. We are a very select elite fighting team sent to protect the world from evil, and you can't play with us.
Stan: Yeah, Butters. You wouldn't make a very good ninja. Come on, guys. [the boys turn and walk off] We have a lot of work to do.
Cartman: Yes, and no time to do it. No time... [Butters stands in the open alone]
Butters: I think I'd make a really good ninja. [turns right and walks off towards home, rejected] Jeez, those guys never let me play with them. Uh, they just shun me all the time. [opens the front door and enters]
Scene Description: Butter's house. He walks past behind the couch, where his mom reads a book unaware of the emotion in his voice
Butters: I'm a lost soul. A dark lonely shadow of a person-
Linda: Hi Butters.
Butters: Hi Mom. [walks upstairs] -a castaway, forced to live his life out in solitude. [enters his room and heads for the closet] And it's because of times like these I was forced to a life of evil. [enters the closet] Society cast me out, and so I vowed to make them all pay! And pay they did! Nobody knows that beneath this sweet eight-year-old little boy lies the most evil, the most destructive super-villain of all time! [one swoosh of his cape and he transforms] Professor Chaos! [he holds his hands some distance apart and a ball of energy appears. This electrifies his whole body] Let's see how you like dealing with me, ninjas! [cackles. Now transformed, he makes his way downstairs. The stairs crack under his weight. He smashes his left fist into the wall, leaving a small crater in it. His mom looks on from the couch]
Linda: Ooo, Butters, are you going out to play again?
Butters: [in a gravelly voice] Yeah Mom, I'm just goin' outside for a little while.
Linda: Well, could you be a sweetie and take that pie over there to the Thomsons. I made it to thank them for babysitting you last week.
Butters: Well, o- okay Mom. [sees the pie on the small end table by the foot of the stairs and carries it off] Bah! Gah! [in his mind, he's big and powerful. Every step he takes affects the house. The first dislodges the family portrait, the second dislodges it more, the third knocks it to the ground. He opens the front door, goes out and slams it shot, knocking it off its hinges]
Scene Description: On the road. The boys are shown in their anime forms
Stan: Hm, this doesn't seem to be the right way. My ninja sense is telling me we might be heading in the wrong direction.
Kyle: Okay, hang on guys. I'll use my special power to see into the future and find out where we should head next.
Cartman: Hold on you guys. I actually have another power. I can see into the future too, but better than Kyle. Let me try it.
Kyle: God dammit, Cartman! You can't keep making up new powers!
Stan: Yeah dude, that's like the fifth power you've come up with!
Cartman: I am Bulrog and I have lots and lots of powers.
Kyle: No asshole! From now on you only get to have one power! So what is it?!
Cartman: I have the power to have all the powers I want.
Kyle: That doesn't count, fatass!
Stan: Yeah, that it, Cartman! You don't get to have any powers!
Cartman: [protests] C'mon!
Butters: Haaa ha ha ha ha! [he appears with energy bristling all around him] Well well well! If it isn't the four ninjas!
Kyle: Who the hell is that?
Stan: I dunno. Craig, is that you?
Butters: [strikes a ground pose] Fools! [jumps into the air and more energy surges from him. A fireball appears between his hands] I am Professor Chaos! Bringer of Destruction and Doom! [closeup] Your feeble ninja powers are no match for me!
Kyle: Whoa.
Cartman: Looks like we have a sworn enemy, you guys.
Kenny: (Yeah.)
Stan: [steps forth] Very well, Professor Chaos! We'll play along. Now, fell the fiery sting of my tonfa of Takanawa! [Stan strikes a battle pose and unleashes the energy from the tonfa tips. Butters shields himself with his cape, and the tonfa energy dissipates. Butters cackles] Hey kid, that knocks you down.
Butters: Nuh uh!
Stan: Yeah, huh, I got you!
Butters: Nuh uh! Because my cloak is made of a... titanium alloy that shields me from heat!
Cartman: That's bullcrap! Titanium alloy my ass!
Kyle: Well, let's see how he likes the icy blasts from my nunchucks of Sokuromoto! [whips them around a few times and unleashes an icy stream of energy towards Butters. The blasts knock Butters out of the air and he hits the ground with a thud.]
Butters: Huh nice attempt, ninja! But now both of you shall feel the power of my Web of Holding! [leaps up into the air and jumps back down, strikes the ground with his right fist, and the ground cracks towards the boys, ending with them being tossed into the air. The boys land on the ground again and look up at Butters] Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! You are both trapped in spiderwebs! [two spiderwebs drop down and trap Stan and Kyle]
Cartman: All right, dickhole! Time for you to pay! [Cartman attempts to unleash energy with his hands, but nothing happens.] Oh no! I have no powers! Kyle took them away from me! Quick, Kyle, give me back my powers so I can fight this evil villain!
Kyle: Okay, okay, you can have your powers back.
Cartman: All right! And now I will use my power to... [faces the other boys] turn Kyle into a chicken! Bleh! [in an instant Kyle becomes a chicken]
Kyle: God dammit Cartman!
Cartman: Ha, ha, ha, ha, haaa, ha! Now you are a chicken! Nyanyanyanyanyaaa nya!
Butters: Enough! I grow weary of your foolishness. Professor Chaos cannot be stopped!
Stan: Oh yeah?! Kenny! Use your ninja star!
Kenny: (Yeah! Take this, Professor Chaos!) [shows off an eight-pointed shuriken] (Feel my wrath!) [unleashes the shuriken, and it strikes Butters in the eye. Butters' helmet flies off, revealing his puff-ball hair and the shuriken embedded in the bloody left eye. The music abruptly stops and the boys are shown in regular form. Butters looks at the boys, screams loudly, and begins to sob]
Cartman: Oh, shit, dude!
Stan: [he and Kyle rush over to Butters] Butters! Oh my God! [the boys gather around Butters] Oh, dude! It's stuck in his eye!
Kyle: What the hell did you do that for, Kenny?!
Kenny: (I just threw my ninja star at him.)
Butters: It hurts! It hurts! [continues to sob]
Kyle: Oh man! We are in serious trouble!
Stan: [tries to soothe Butters] Sh shhhh. It's okay, Butters. Calm down. It's not that bad, really.
Butters: [trying to catch his breath] But I... But I... But I can't see nothin'. I gotta go to the hospital! [Butters continues to shriek in agonizing pain while Stan looks around nervously, with gritted teeth]
Stan: Okay okay, calm down, Butters! It'll be okay! [Butters composes himself and sobs softly, looking around from time to time for any sign of help]
Cartman: Guys, meeting over here for a second? [the boys move off and huddle] All right you guys, we need to stay calm and just do the right thing. We have to kill Butters and bury him in Kyle's backyard.
Stan: Dude, shut up!
Kyle: I agree with Cartman!
Stan: What?!
Kyle: You don't understand what my mom will do to me if she finds out I was playing with weapons!
Scene Description: a closeup of the shuriken lodged in Butters' left eye, moments later. Some pliers clamp on to it and the camera pulls back. Stan is holding the pliers and he tugs gently at the shuriken. Butters sits on a tree stump
Stan: Just stay still, Butters.
Butters: [Stan tugs again] Ah. [Stan tugs harder] Hwa! [Stan tugs even harder] Hwaaaaa!
Kyle: Stop dude! You're gonna scramble his brain!
Cartman: Go ahead and scramble it, then he won't remember it was us.
Butters: You guys can't fix my eyeball! You have to take me to the hospital! [whimpers]
Kyle: If we take him to the hospital, they're gonna find out what happened.
Stan: God dammit!
Kyle: [moves off] God? Please, if you get me out of this, I swear, I will never play with weapons ever again.
Cartman: [approaches] Don't be so quick to throw off your ninja responsibility, Kyle. [to the huddle] Now, come on guys, sure, it's easy to be a ninja when everything's going your way, but it's times like these, when the chips are down, that a ninja shows his true character.
Butters: Whoa, I'm getting woozy.
Cartman: Shut up, Butters. [to the other boys] Now, there's a way out of this. We just have to use our... ninja reasoning. [puts his fingertips to his temples. Kenny touches his right temple, Stan, his chin]
Stan: We... need a doctor... But we can't go to the hospital. Wait a minute. Wait, wait, wait. What about the veterinarian?
Cartman: Dr. Shafley?
Stan: He's really old and going blind.
Cartman: So if we make Butters up to look like a dog...
Kyle: Oh no.
Stan: We might pass him off as our pet.
Butters: [sniffling] But, but fellas, if I, if I dress up like a dog with a star in my eye, I- I'm gonna get grounded.
Stan, Kyle, Cartman: Shut up, Butters!
Kyle: That is the dumbest idea you guys have ever come up with! I'd expect this stupidity out of Cartman, but you, Stan?! Butters needs medical attention right now!
Stan: All right, then you take him to the hospital, Kyle. You take him to the hospital and let your mom find out what happened.
Scene Description: Moments later. Butters is made up to look like a dog. He sobs in resignation. Kyle holds a bottle of glue.
Cartman: Hand me the modeling glue. We need more fur over here. [Kyle hands him the glue]
Butters: [between whimpers] Uh, that modeling glue is making me dizzy.
Cartman: Butters! We're trying to help you, Goddamnit! Now, stop being such an asshole!
Kyle: We need some more fur. [Stan walks over to Sparky and shaves off fur from areas of his body still unshaved, then walks back to Kyle and hands him the fur. Kyle places the fur on Butters' left leg] I think that's good.
Cartman: Okay, let's hear your bark, Butters.
Butters: Uh. Wuff, wu-wuff.
Stan: All right. Now we just gotta sneak him into town.
Scene Description: South Park, in what looks like Skid Row. Stan appears and walks into a clearing
Stan: [looks off to his left] Okay, it's clear. [turns right and walks on. Cartman and Kyle escort Butters between them]
Cartman: Now remember, Butters, when you get to the vet's office, you need to stay down on all fours and- Butters, listen! At the vet's office, you need to stay down on all fours and bark a lot.
Butters: [practices his bark unprompted] Wuhuff, woof, woof.
Kyle: We've gotta hurry, it's getting late! [some trash bin noises are heard and the boys face the source of the noises]
Stan: Oh shit, somebody's coming!
Kyle: Quick, hide Butters! [Cartman drags Butters to an oven]
Cartman: In here! [opens its door and shoves Butters in]
Butters: bu- but fellas, I gotta- [Cartman closes the door. Craig and his boys appear]
Craig: Aha! [the three remaining boys quickly face Craig's crew] There you are! You guys thought you were so cool, didn't you?! Well look at what we got! [Craig and his boys present their weapons]
Cartman: No way, you got weapons too?!
Stan: Where'd you get those?
Jimmy: From the n-n- from the nn-, from the nn-
Clyde: From the nice guy at the county fair.
Craig: At first we needed our parents' permission, but then we told him our parents were dead.
Cartman: Aw man, now every douchebag in town has a weapon! Lame!
Craig: So, [unsheathes his sword] how would you ninjas like to do battle?
Stan: Uh, not now, Craig, we we have to be going.
Craig: You can't pass through this area until you defend your honor! [Clyde crosses his kamas against each other]
Kyle: He said, not now, Craig!
Craig: I am not Craig, [twirls his sword] I am Ginza, [transforms] with the powerful blade of the kitana. Iya!
Token: And I am Black Chaku, [twirls his nunchakus and transforms] with the power of perfect spelling!
Stan: Guys, we're we're really not playing, okay? [Jimmy has already transformed and leaps into the air, twirling his kali sticks around, and lands in a powerful pose]
Jimmy: Wha, what, what's the m-matter, f-fellas? Are you ... nnnninjas or p-p-p-pussies?
Cartman: [the boys are back in anime form] We're twice the ninjas you fags are!
Clyde: Then fight us!
Cartman: Very well, Clyde. Kiyaaaa!
Kyle: I swore to never fight again.
Stan: We don't have a choice, Kyle. Just humor them. Hyaaaaah! [He begins his attack. The other boys move forth and the fight begins, as a song reminiscent of Japanese anime theme songs, mostly Japanese with occasional English words, starts playing; its lyrics appear as a sing-along along the bottom of the screen.]
Singer: poemSubarashii chinchin monoKintama no kame aruSore no oto ha "saru bobo"Iie! Ninja ga imasuHey Hey Let's Go! kenka suruTaisetsu no mono protect my ballsBoku ga warui so let's fightingLet's fighting love...Let's fighting love...Kono uta chotto bakaWake ga wakaranaiEigo ga mechakuchaDaijobu? We do it all the time!Hey hey let's go kenka suru...</poem>
Scene Description: The fight as the song progresses: Jimmy twirls his kali sticks around and aims them at Stan, unleashing two beams of energy. Stan blocks them with his tonfa. Kenny watches Craig be tossed through the air. Token sweeps his nunchucks around and unleashes energy towards Kenny, who jumps clear and lets Cartman take the blow. Cartman shatters it with his sai swords. The nunchucks sweep back. Kenny falls to the ground on his ass, behind Cartman. Token attacks Cartman with his nunchucks, but Cartman counters them with his sais, sending Token flying back a few yards. Token rubs his right shoulder. Clyde whips out his kamas and whips them around, and Kyle responds by whipping his nunchucks around. Clyde focuses on Kyle and unleashes a large amount of energy from his kamas. Craig and his crew are shown, then Craig and Kenny fly at each other. Stan takes a stand. Two silhouettes fight. A car rolls by the scene slowly, and the driver simply observes. He sees them are they are, then drives off. The scene reverts to anime letterbox and the boys continue fighting
Stan: Hey, wait, wait, wait, wait! [the song ends, and he looks around] Wait. [steps forward] Hold on a second. Where's Butters? [sees the open oven door, and no one in the oven]
Kyle: Oh no. Butters!
Cartman: Butters!
Stan: [turns and faces Craig's boys] Oh, nice going, you assholes! You made us lose him!
Craig: Lose who?
Kyle: [approaches Craig] Butters! He got a ninja star stuck in his eye, and we were taking him to the vet when you fucked it all up! Butters!
Craig: Stuck in his eye? Was he bleeding?
Cartman: Ye-yeah, a little- Butters! Get back here right now!
Craig: Oh shit, you guys are in trouble. We're outta here!
Stan: No dude, you gotta help us find him!
Craig: To hell with that!
Cartman: We're in this together, Craig! If Butters tells on us, we're gonna tell on you! That's the ninja code!
Scene Description: The road, sunset. Butters walks along the side still sobbing, looking for help
Butters: Hello? Anybody-eh. [the driver appears again and slows down to observe Butters. His right eyebrow rises] Woof. Woof. Woofwoof. [his voice softens] Eh. Woof, eh. Woof. [the drives speeds up and drives off. Butters turns and continues his lonely walk. Back near Skid Row the eight boys walk along searching for Butters.]
Stan: Butters!
Kyle: Butters!
Cartman: Here, Butters!
Kenny: (Butters!)
Craig: Butters!
Clyde: Butters!
Token: Butters!
Jimmy: Bu- bu- bu- bu- bu- bu- bu- bu- Butters!
Cartman: Butter- Butters!
Kyle: Hey Butters!
Stan: Butters!
Kyle: Dude, look! [a black man walks up in anime form, stops, and looks around]
Chef: Hello there, children!
The Boys: Hey, Chef.
Chef: How's it goin'?
Stan: Bad.
Chef: Why bad?
Kyle: Uuuh, Chef, you haven't seen Butters around, have you?
Chef: No, can't say that I have. Hey, what are you children doin' with those weapons?
Stan: Nothing, just... playing.
Chef: Well, you children should be careful with those. You could put somebody's eye out.
Kyle: Yeah, we know.
Chef: Well, I've gotta get to the fairgrounds. They're about to start the big auction. So long, children! [turns and walks away]
Scene Description: Hell's Pass Hospital, day. Butters closes in on it, babbling incoherently and stumbling along. He enters the emergency area, moves in a few feet, and falls flat on his back
Nurse: [behind the counter] Oh my God! [leaves her station and kneels down next to Butters] What the-?! Doctor? Doctor?!
Dr. Doctor: [approaches and kneels down next to Butters] Jesus Christ. [Butters shakes his head and babbles] What kind of sick bastard would do this to a dog?! Poor little pup.
Butters: [moans, then opens his eyes] Woof woof.
Nurse: Can you help him, Doctor?
Dr. Doctor: I'm afraid I wouldn't know how. Unfortunately for this little fella, I'm a people doctor. Best we call the animal shelter.
Nurse: [rises and leaves] Right away.
Announcer: [with recaps from the episode] In our last episode the four ninjas did battle with Professor Chaos, bringer of destruction and doom. It was during that great battle that ninja master Kenny threw his star into Professor Chaos' eye. Now the ninjas were in serious trouble, because their parents might find out they had weapons, if Professor Chaos told on them. While trying to get Professor Chaos some aid at the veterinarian's office, the four ninjas ran into Craig and his three friends. They challenged the four ninjas to fight, and the legendary battle of Tokutawa began. It was during this battle that Professor Chaos escaped, and so the four ninjas were forced to join forces with Craig and his friends to find Professor Chaos, or else they would all be grounded.
Stan: Butters!
Kyle: Butters!
Cartman: Here, Butters!
Kenny: (Butters!)
Craig: Butters!
Clyde: Butters!
Token: Butters!
Craig: Butters! Where the hell are you?!
Kyle: It's hopeless, dude! Butters must have made it to the hospital. By now our parents probably know we were playing with weapons! We have to get rid of the evidence! [moves off]
Stan: What?
Kyle: [reaches a well and holds his nunchucks over it] Dude, we have to get rid of our weapons so at least we can try to deny everything.
Cartman: [with his sais] Screw that, dude, I paid twenty bucks for these things!
Stan: Yeah, let's just go return them and get our money back.
Kyle: We don't have time for that, dude! We just have to ditch them! Now!
Cartman: Okay. Go ahead, Kyle. Throw your nunchucks away. If you can. But you know damn well that your Jewish blood won't let you. You can't throw away something you paid fifteen bucks for. Go ahead and try.
Kyle: Screw you, fatass! [struggles to loosen his grip on the nunchucks]
Cartman: Mel Gibson was right, Kyle. Right now the Jew in you is screaming "NO! Those cost money! Get your money back!" You know this to be true. [Kyle continues struggling and begins to grunt] Go ahead. Prove Mel Gibson wrong, Kyle. [closeup of Cartman's lips] Do it. [Kyle struggles even harder, but eventually gives in]
Kyle: [walks up next to Stan] I- I can't do it... I can't do it. I...
Stan: It's all right, Kyle. We'll go back to the fair and return them.
Scene Description: South Park Animal Shelter, day. Dogs and cats are heard. Inside, an elderly veterinarian pulls something along on a leash
Vet: Come on. Come on, little fella. 'Atta boy. [Butters appears at the other end of the leash, crawling in]
Butters: [in a gravelly voice] Woof woof. [babbles incoherently. The veterinarian leads him towards a cell]
Vet: Right over here. [opens the gate] Good dog. Come on. [guides Butters in] There you go, right in there. [closes the gate and locks it, then leaves] Goooood dog. [Butters babbles some more as a dog approaches from his left and sniffs. The dog pisses on him and walks away. Butters' voice rises in protest. Another dog approaches from his right, sniffs him, and pisses on him. Butters' voice rises a bit more in protest. A third dog approaches from his left, turns around, and craps on him. Butters stands up]
Butters: Gaaaah!
Assistant: Somebody threw a ninja star in that poor puppy's eye?
Vet: It just makes me sick how some people can treat animals. [pulls out a large syringe, quickly] Well, nothing we can do for it; let's put it to sleep, shall we? [they move back into Butters' cell] Here you go, pup. I've got a sweet dose of murder for you. [He leaves, giving Butters the chance to escape. The vet returns with a syringe.] What the? Blasted! He's escaped! ...Oh well, let's murder one of these other dogs.
Scene Description: The county fair, anime form, sunset
Stan: All right, the county fair's still open! [they spot Roger, shown in anime form, and approach his booth.]
Roger: Can I help you boys?
Stan: We have come to return the weapons we purchased.
Roger: Uh, sorry kids, ah I don't give refunds.
Kyle: Listen, doucher! Our parents are gonna kill us, and you, if they found out that we bought these!
Roger: I thought you told me your parents were dead.
Craig: [approaches with his boys] You guys! [the other boys turn around] You guys!
Stan: What is it, Craig?
Craig: It's Butters! We saw 'im!
Kyle: Where?!
Craig: Right on the other side of the fairgrounds. He's just wandering around aimlessly.
Kyle: Then it's not too late!
Stan: Come on, Ninjas! [the boys make their way across the fairgrounds, but freeze in their tracks upon seeing the auction]
Barker: [in anime form] All right, folks, our next item up for bids is this lovely 19th Century lamp.
Stan: Aw dude, crap. All our parents are there.
Craig: Butters is right on the other side.
Kyle: We have to get past them!
Cartman: All right. Looks like I have to use my power of invisibility to get by.
Kyle: You have that power too?
Cartman: I told you, Bulrog has lots and lots of powers. Behold. [steps aside and holds his arms up. He sweeps them down and disappears. He them removes his clothes and gathers them into a pile] This way, I can move about the crowd of people undetected. [walks over to Stan and hands his clothes over] Here, hold this stuff for me.
Stan: [softly] Good luck, Bulrog. [Cartman leaves, with only his footsteps indicating where he's going]
Barker: Now, this lamp comes from the estate of Edna and James Hollinger, who lived in upstate Wyoming. [Cartman, in normal form, appears, tip-toeing across the stage sideways. His penis can be seen.] It has a bronze finish and actual gold leaf along the base. This is a rare opportunity to own a classic antique. [Cartman changes his gait and tip-toes forward. The bidders look on] The lamp has been appraised by our auction staff at well over two thousand dollars. [Cartman changes his gait and tip-toes along sideways. One of the staffers notices Cartman and taps his colleague. The colleague looks and gasps] So we're gonna start the bidding at three hundred and seventy five. Do I, do I hear three hundred and seventy five? [Cartman continues tip-toeing along and the bidders sit motionless. Eight seconds pass before Cartman stops, realizing that the crowd can indeed see him.] Kid, what the hell do you think you're doin'? [Cartman looks around, knowing he's stuck.]
Butters: [wanders on stage] Haba, haba! Habahoaha! [babbles some more, then falls flat on his back again]
Linda: [rises with her hands on her chest] Butters! [the auction staff encircles the boy]
Randy: What happened to him?
Sheila: Oh my God!
Stan: Oh, Jesus.
Kyle: Oh dude, we are gonna get it now.
Scene Description: Park County Community Center, Emergency Town Meeting, day. The chatter among the adults present is heated
Mayor McDaniels: All right, people, we are all extremely upset over what's happened. [the boys' parents are present, with angry faces on] But let's try to speak one at a time.
Man 1: Well, like the rest of you, I am shocked and appalled at what happened! I don't know if the parents are to blame or if it's the times we're living in, but something has to change!
Townsfolk: [amid chatter] Yeah! I agree!
Gerald: This is the worst thing that's happened in this town! [Butters is shown with a patch over his left eye and a long gauze wrapped around his head to keep the patch in place] The worst thing!
Man 2: Yeah! I mean, there were children watching that auction! And when that little eight-year-old boy walked up and flashed his... penis! It was an outrage! [the adults go into an uproar again]
Stan: What?
Cartman: What?
Skeeter: Not only that, the auction was televised on public access, so my little daughter watchin' at home saw the... penis! How am I supposed to explain that to her?!
Sheila: This is what happens when the moral fabric of society breaks down! [the adults go into an uproar again]
Mr. Garrison: [next to Mr. Mackey] You see the damage you've caused, Eric Cartman?! What were you thinking?!
Cartman: I told you it was a wardrobe malfunction. [the adults go into an uproar again]
Kyle: Dude, they don't care we knocked Butters' eye out with weapons?
Stan: Just run with it, dude.
Kyle: [looks around, then stands on his chair] Uh, yeah! I agree! Uh- my fragile little eight-year-old mind didn't know how to deal with what I was seeing. C-Cartman should be punished!
Man: Yeah! [the adults go into an uproar again]
Cartman: Hey, fuck you, Kyle!
Scene Description: Park County Community Center, outside. The doors open and Stan, Kyle, and Kenny exit onto the parking lot
Kyle: Yeah, I c- I can't believe it.
Stan: Yeah. I guess parents don't give a crap about violence if there's sex things to worry about.
Kyle: [pulls out his nunchucks] So I guess this means we get to keep our weapons.
Stan: [he and Kenny pull out their weapons] Yeah. Come on, ninjas. [they transform into their anime forms] We've got some more work to do.
The Boys: [leap into a pose, and the image is frozen] Hya!
Scene Description: End of Good Times with Weapons. Stills of the episode are shown along with "Let's Fighting Love"


Scene Description: Stan's backyard, day. The boys are playing the "Investigative Reports with Bill Curtis" game when Timmy and Jimmy arrive.
Jimmy: Hey fellas.
Stan: Oh hey Jimmy, hey Timmy.
Timmy: Timmy!
Jimmy: [carries a brochure under his right arm] Say fellas, Jimmy and I were wondering if maybe you would come and cheer for us next S-S-Saturday. We're both competing in the Special Olympics down in Denver.
Cartman: [approaches Jimmy] The Special Olympics? What's so special about them?
Kyle: They're Olympic games for handicapped people.
Cartman: [snickers] What?
Jimmy: [hands Cartman the brochure] Timmy and I are competing in a variety of events.
Stan: Yeah sure, we'll come cheer you and Timmy on.
Kyle: Yeah, that'd be cool.
Jimmy: Thanks a lot, fellas. Well, we gotta get down to the training center and start working out. Word is we have a lot of sssstiff competition this year.
Kyle: Well all right, we'll see you on Saturday, guys.
Timmy: Timmy! [he and Jimmy walk off.]
Cartman: Dude. I can't believe they exploit handicapped people like this. I mean, making them compete against each other just for our amusement.
Kyle: ...You're an asshole, Cartman.
Cartman: What? What'd I do?
Scene Description: Denver Athletic Club, Denver, day. Inside, the athletes are working out on a variety of equipment. Jimmy and Timmy are at a bench press. Jimmy presses weights as Timmy spots him.
Jimmy: S-s-six!
Timmy: Timmah.
Jimmy: S-s-s-ssseven!
Timmy: Timmah. Timmah!
Jimmy: S-s-seven!
Timmy: Timmah! Timmah!
Jimmy: [gets back on count, but falters] Ni- I can- I can't! [Timmy helps Jimmy put the weights back on the bar rest] Huff. Oh man. [sits up] Gee whiz, Timmy. It looks like we have some pretty stiff competition this year. [another kid at a nearby bench press laughs] All of the special athletes seem to be in tip-top condition, and I can't even get past seven reps. Oh well, that's it for me, Timmy. I'm p-p-p-pooped. I'll see you in the locker room.
Timmy: Timmah. [Jimmy walks away]
Francis: Hey Jimmy, g-good luck on Saturday.
Jimmy: [turns and looks] You too, Francis. [looks forward and resumes walking. In a darkened hallway stands a big athlete with an air of hauteur about him]
Nathan: Hey Jimmy.
Jimmy: Oh he-hey, N-Nathan.
Nathan: So uh, I see you train pretty hard.
Jimmy: [moves into the hallway and faces Nathan] Yeah, it sure is tough. I'm training really hard, but I'm not improving fast enough, and the Special Olympics are a... week away.
Nathan: Weeell uh, maybe I can help you out. You know, there are shortcuts.
Jimmy: What kind of shortcuts?
Nathan: You know. Steroids.
Jimmy: S-s-ss-s-s-steroids? [Nathan signals him to be quite as another handicapped athlete walks by] ...But aren't those illegal?
Nathan: Yeah, sure, but these are new. They don't show up in our urine tests.
Jimmy: So uh, ha-how do they... w-w-work?
Nathan: [holds out a prescription bottle] You just take one of these little blue babies [holds up three fingers] three times a day [reaches into a fanny pack and pulls out a syringe] and inject this directly into your bloodstream [holds up two fingers] twice a day before meals.
Jimmy: How much would this cost me?
Nathan: Uuuh, it isn't cheap. I've gotta keep vice off my back and secure shipments from overseas.
Jimmy: [looks around uneasily] Well... then maybe I'll just use them a-al-little bit. You know, as a performance.
Nathan: Oh, whatever you say, Jimmy my friend. [steps closer] Whatever you say. [Jimmy reaches out for the drugs]
Scene Description: Stan's house, front yard. The boys are playing with various toy big rigs. Stan moves a gas truck, Kenny an ambulance, Kyle a tow truck.
Cartman: [rushes up with the brochure] You guys! You guys! I have the best idea ever! I'm gonna be rich!
Kyle: What?
Cartman: Dude, I was just looking at the Special Olympics brochure, and check this shit out: "At the end of the Special Olympics, a Grand Champion Special Athlete is crowned and given a cash prize of $1000" [he looks at his friends as his jaw drops]
Stan: So?
Cartman: So?! So, dude, think about it. If somebody just pretended to be mentally handicapped, they could easily win the competition and get the thousand bucks!
Kyle: Oh no. Cartman, no!
Cartman: It's flawless! I'll act like I have a disability, and when the time come to compete I'll kick ass against all the handicaps!
Stan: That's really, really terrible, dude.
Cartman: Terrible?? Whatever! You guys' brains just can't compute complex plans like mine can! It'll work, you'll see. [walks off]
Kyle: [moves and catches up to Cartman] Cartman! I will not stand by and let you cheat your way to winning the Special Olympics!
Cartman: Why?
Kyle: Because! [takes away the brochure]
Cartman: What are you gonna do, Kyle?! Tell on me?! [points an accusing finger at him] Then you'll be a great big no-good double-faced poopy-pants tattle-tale! [lowers it] Is that really how you deal with your problems?! Grow up, Kyle! [turns around and walks off. Kyle seethes in silence. Cartman now talks to himself] All I have to do is make people think I'm handicapped, and I get a thousand dollars. It won't be easy, but nothing worth having ever is.
Scene Description: A montage, to the tune of "Scarface (Put It To The Limit)" Cartman sits at his computer typing away. Onscreen are his plans for looking handicapped, "Ways to Appear Handicapped." He's then at the library poring over piles of books. The librarian wheels a cartload of books over, Cartman points to the spot at which they should be dropped off, and the librarian obliges. Cartman then rides to school in the Special Ed bus, taking notes on the behavior of handicapped students. Next, he's in the bathroom at home contorting his face this way and that, then takes more notes. He leafs through another book and types in more notes into his computer, then pours himself some more coffee.
Scene Description: Cartman goes to a clothing store looking for ill-fitting clothes. He then cobbles a custom shoe for himself. He goes home and tries it out. He goes to a CGI studio and puts on a motion suit so he can make a 3D model of himself on a computer. He takes the 3D model home and modifies it on his own computer: "Handicapped Walk Analysis." He then goes into the bathroom and cuts off clumps of his hair to look as if he were retarded. He goes to the living room and looks at a Kid Rock video for more inspiration and takes notes. He puts on a bicycle helmet and pulls his hair out through the holes. He assembles the various parts of his handicapped outfit and puts it on. He squishes his face upwards for the finishing touch and ties the helmet straps together well below his chin.
Cartman: Daaaarrrr. Duuuuurrrr. I wanna be in the Special Olympics. [loosens the chin straps and lowers his face to normal] Bull's eye!
Scene Description: Jimmy's house, bedroom, night. Jimmy is at his bed. He straps on a strip of heavy rubberband, dabs his arm a few times with alcohol, jabs the syringe into his arm and injects some liquid steroids into his arm. He loosens the rubber band and someone knocks on his door. He looks around and jumps off his bead.
Jimmy: Oh! Agh! Ju-just a second! [heads for his duffel bag and hauls it to his night stand. The knock is heard again]
Ryan: Jimmy?
Jimmy: [sweeps the steroids into the bag] Hang on, I'm-I'm, coming. [rushes to the closet and shoves the duffle bag in.]
Ryan: Jim, it's your father!
Jimmy: [walking towards the door] I said I'm coming! Give me a Goddamned s-second! [gasps and realizes he still has the syringe in his mouth and spits it out. He opens the door and sees his father with a cup of coffee.]
Ryan: Jimmy, were you masturbating?
Jimmy: N-no, Dad.
Ryan: Okay. Well, you have a visitor. [the camera pans down to a pretty girl, who enters the room]
Girl: Hi Jimmy.
Jimmy: Oh. Hi, N-N-Nancy.
Nancy: I was hoping we would study for the spelling test tomorrow.
Jimmy: Oh. Sure thing. Come on in.
Ryan: I didn't know you had a girlfriend, Jim.
Jimmy: Yeah, Dad. We've been going out since we met in Free Period last week.
Ryan: I'll leave you two alone. [reaches for the door, but stops] Y-You sure you weren't masturbating, Jim? It's okay if you were.
Jimmy: Dad, Jesus C-Christ!
Ryan: Okay, then. [they look at each other]
Scene Description: A basketball court, day. The boys take turn shooting hoops, but none of them make a basket. Cartman waddles into view in his handicapped getup.
Cartman: Drrrrrrey drrrrrrrey. [the boys stop and look] Hey guys, what's going on? Drrrrr.
Kyle: [low voice] God damn you!
Cartman: You see, gentlemen? The Special Olympics Championship and my one thousand dollars is just four days away. [This means it's Tuesday prior] I'm going to go sign up now.
Kyle: No you're not! [whips out the brochure] I read the brochure, Cartman! If you're under eighteen, you have to have a parent with you to sign up for the Special Olympics.
Cartman: What?! [takes the brochure back from Kyle]
Kyle: It says right there "a parent has to be with you to sign up," and you'll never get your mom to agree to something so horrible, so ha! [grins confidently. Cartman looks at him, then at the brochure and reads]
Scene Description: Cartman's house, later. Liane is at the kitchen table paying bills. Cartman walks in from the dining room. He puts his arms behind his back.
Cartman: Moooommmm?
Liane: Yes, hon? [begins writing a check]
Cartman: Um, could I get you to do something for me?
Liane: What's that, hon?
Cartman: Um, okay. This is goin' ta sound a little strange. Um, but, stick with me. Um, moooommm? Would you mind coming with me to sign up for the Special Olympics so I can beat all the handicapped kids and win a thousand dollars? [Liane looks up and goes pale]
Liane: Oh... N- no, sweetie. I believe those Olympics are just for... "special" children.
Cartman: I'm not special? I thought you always said I was special.
Liane: You are, hon, but... I don't think that's a very good idea. [writes out another check]
Cartman: ...I'll split the money with you. [Liane stops]
Liane: ...I'm sorry, Eric. The answer is No. [Cartman is upset and begins to think a little harder]
Cartman: [walks up to the table] All right, Mom, look. Here's .. the truth. [under his breath] God, this is gonna be hard to say. [normally] I think, Mom, that I've been hard on some of the handicapped kids at school in the past. I've sometimes looked at people with disabilities as people God put here on earth for my amusement, but... now I'm starting to think... that if I could just spend one day in their shoes... if I could just see the challenges they face every day... maybe I wouldn't be so cold. I just want a chance to change. [looks up at her with longing, puppy dog eyes.] Help me change?
Liane: Oh, a- a- all right, sweetie, I- I'll take you tomorrow.
Cartman: Awesome.
Scene Description: Denver Athletic Club, day. Jimmy and Timmy are in the locker room getting ready to leave.
Jimmy: You did a great job in the 500, Timmy. You're really im-p-p-proving.
Timmy: Timmah!
Jimmy: I think I really got a shot at the gold in the swimming competition. Coach says I'm the fastest he's ever seen. Well, I'll see you nice and early for p-practice, Tim-Tim. Oh, uh, can you hand me my bag?
Timmy: [slips on his sweater] Timmah! [reaches over for the bag and grabs a handle. The contents spill out, since he didn't grab the other handle, and he sees the steroids drop to the floor. He looks down sadly and holds the bag a litle closer. Jimmy is frozen in place. Timmy's voice shakes] Tim- Timmy?
Jimmy: Oh, uh, so... hey, Timmy... uh hu-how about we go out for a s-s-soda later? [sweeps the steroids back into the bag. Timmy finds a bottle on his pants and looks at it. Jimmy finishes up and leaves] I'll uh, I-I'll see you later, Tim-Tim.
Timmy: [turns and exclaims] Timmah... [the tone of voice stops Jimmy]
Jimmy: [turns] Look it's really none of your b-b-b-beeswax, Timmy!
Timmy: [rolls up to Jimmy] Timmah. Timmah!
Jimmy: Because I, maybe I don't have what it takes to win with-without them!
Timmy: [turns aside and sighs] Timmah. [rolls away a bit] T-T-Timmah.
Jimmy: You you aren't gonna... tell anybody, are you?
Timmy: Huh! Timmah! T-Timmah!
Jimmy: Look, it's my b-body and it's my choice what I put in it!
Timmy: Timmah! Timmah, Jimmih! [points to himself] Arrrh Timmah! [points to himself] Jimmih!
Jimmy: Don't lecture me on the complexities of sportsmanship. You know as well as I do most of the kids in Special Olympics aren't shooting up to compete. I'm just trying to k-keep up.
Timmy: [spent] Huh... Timmah... [holds the bottle out over the floor] Timmah.
Jimmy: [angered] S-s-s-so what are you gonna do now, huh?! You gonna be a fuckin' narc and show that b-bottle to the... coaches?! [Timmy drops the bottle on the ground, turns around and rolls away. Jimmy watches him leave] Don't think you're any better than me, Timmy! I'm just living in the real world! [looks down at the bottle, then kicks the bottle away with his left crutch] Fuck!
Scene Description: The Special Olympic Field, next day. Timmy is in the field ready for the javelin throw.
Timmy: Timmah! [rolls forward and throws the javelin] Aaar-yaaaaah Timmah! [the javelin hits the ground near a coach]
Coach: All right, thirty yards, Timmy! Keep it up!
Timmy: Oowrrr! Timmah! Livilaye!
Jimmy: [runs down a track for the long jump] Y-yeess! [jumps into the air and lands]Grrrr!
Coach 2: Wuh-wow, Jimmy, I can't believe how much you've improved! You're bigger and stronger than I've ever seen you!
Jimmy: Yeah, I've been working out... r-really hard.
Coach 2: You keep going like this and you'll break Special Olympics records on Saturday!
Scene Description: The Special Olympic Field, registration table, moments later. A family of three arrives.
Man: Okay, so this is all the stuff we need to sign Michael in?
Volunteer: Yup. Just take the sign-up sheet down to the next table and we'll get it all finalized.
Woman: Thank you very much.
Volunteer: Thank you! Good luck, Michael.
Michael: Thanks.
Volunteer: Okay, next in line please?
Cartman: [looking really retarded, steps up to the table with his mom] Naaaa! Daaaaa!
Volunteer: Hello there.
Liane: Hello. Um, I would like to... sign my son up, please.
Cartman: Naaaa!
Volunteer: Oh, great! What's his name?
Liane: Eric Cartman...
Cartman: Caaartmaaan! Daaaaa!
Volunteer: Okay. Age?
Liane: He's nine.
Volunteer: O-kay, and what's his disability?
Liane: ...Um, he's retarded. [Cartman offers a retarded grin]
Volunteer: ...N-no, I'm asking what his specific condition is. Down's Syndrome? Cerebral palsy?
Liane: Ohhh, oh. I'm not sure. [Cartman looks up with some concern] Sweetie, what is your condition?
Cartman: ...How should I know? I'm retarded. Daaaaa!
Volunteer: I'll just leave that blank for now.
Scene Description: The Special Olympic Field, under the bleachers. Jimmy prepares to inject more steroids into his right arm.
Jimmy: [performs the injection] Yeah, b-bigger, stronger! [Timmy rolls by and hears him, then raises his eyes in alarm]
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Timmy rolls to Mr. Mackey's office, sighs and knocks.
Mr. Mackey: [opens the door] Oh, hi Timmy. Come on in. [Timmy follows Mr. Mackey in] I understand you have somethin' important you wanna talk to me about, m'kay?
Timmy: [leans forward and begins] Timmy.
Mr. Mackey: Well, Timmy, as your counselor, I want you to know that you can tell me anything, m'kay? And whatever's troublin' you, I wanna try and, and help you with it.
Timmy: [sighs and begins again] Timmy.
Mr. Mackey: Mmm'kay, right, you're Timmy. ...Yo-you have a problem?
Timmy: [shakes his head vigorously] No Timmy, Jimmy.
Mr. Mackey: Ji-Jimmy?
Timmy: [showing his frustration] Haaa! [remembers something] Oh, oh! [wheels over to a class picture of the fourth graders. Jimmy is at one end of the front row, with Mr. Garrison behind him. Timmy reaches up and points] Jimmy.
Mr. Mackey: Oh, Jimmy Valmer! Oh, okay, what about him?
Timmy: [rolls back and tries to get the story out with gestures. He demonstrates Jimmy asking for his bag] Timmah! Timmah, uh, Jimmih. [demonstrates himself handing the bag to Jimmy and seeing the contents fall out] Hey Timmy, Timmah Tim-oh! Tim-Timmah! [shows his reaction to the steroids] Timmmah? Jimmih! Jimmih. [demonstrates the argument between the two] Jimmih Timmah Timmah? Timmah, Timmah! Jimmih... Jimmih! Jimmih! Timmah! [demonstrates the bottle being dropped] Timmah!
Mr. Mackey: [confused] Mmmmm'kaaay. I don't quite follow, Timmy.
Timmy: Argh. Jimmy...
Mr. Mackey: Right, Jimmy Valmer.
Timmy: Uh. [demonstrates himself minding his own business when he sees Jimmy shooting up in the shadows], Timmah Jimmih Jimmih Jim- [demonstrates the injection, then flexes his muscles and takes a sinister tone] Jimmh Timmah Timmah Jimmih!
Mr. Mackey: Right. He's Jimmy, yeah.
Timmy: [really frustrated] Haaaaaaaaaah!
Scene Description: Cartman's room, night. Cartman types away at his computer. Screen reads: How I Will Spend My One Thousand Dollars By Eric Cartman. A knock on his door is heard.
Cartman: Enter. [Kyle enters, and walks up next to Cartman]
Kyle: Cartman, I really, really have a problem with what you're doing. I object to it morally, and I find it grossly offensive. [they look at each other and Cartman closes a book he had open for reference]
Cartman: Go on, Kyle.
Kyle: I know that I often have serious moral objections to the things that you do, but... this time I think you really need to reconsider, because if you do this, I believe you will go to hell. So I feel it is my responsibility, as your friend, to tell people what you're doing, and to put a stop to it!
Cartman: Well, Kyle, I understand where you're coming from, and I appreciate you being so direct. Um, the thing is, you really have kind a warped view on morality because you're Jewish. Now, Kyle, you haven't gone to see Mel Gibson's film, The Passion of the Jew.
Kyle: I didn't come here to talk about The Passion, Cartman!
Cartman: Let me finish. If you had seen The Passion you would know that Hell is reserved for the Jews, and all those who don't accept Christ. That being the case, it is actually me who is worried about your soul.
Kyle: I came here to talk about you!
Cartman: Yes. [hops off his seat and consoles Kyle] And instead you had to break through yourself. This is really the beginning of a whole new chapter of your life, Kyle. [whispers] Good luck. [after a few seconds, Kyle turns around and goes to leave. He opens the door, turns around to say something but instead walks out. Cartman just hums a tune, goes back to the computer and reads some more.]
Scene Description: Jimmy's house. He's working out on a bench press in his room. A mirror sits next to him.
Jimmy: Come on, push it! Push it! [he pushes the weights onto the bar rest and sits up. He checks his musculature out in the mirror] Yeah. Nice p-pecs. Sweet b-biceps. [the door opens and Nancy enters]
Nancy: Jimmy, I thought we were meeting at the doughnut shop.
Jimmy: The Games are in two days, Nancy. I can't be w-wasting my time.
Nancy: I guess I didn't realize I was a waste of time.
Jimmy: Oh Jesus! [lays back down and takes up the weights] You gonna start running your mouth off again? [begins new reps] P-push it! Push it!
Nancy: Jimmy, everyone's worried about you. You seem... different.
Jimmy: They-they're all just... jealous.
Nancy: You're not the boy I fell in love with last week during Free Period. I'm leaving you.
Jimmy: [quickly rests the weights and sits up] You're not leaving me! You try to leave me and I'll kill you, bitch!
Nancy: You can't treat people like this!
Jimmy: [gets up and walks over to Nancy, then begins beating her with his crutches. She wails] I said, shut your mouth, bitch! Why did you make me do it, huh?! [he grabs her by the throat and throws her head against the floor a few times, then whacks her on the side of the head a few times.] You're not leavin' anybody! You just keep your G-Goddamned mouth shut and do what you're t-t-t-uh-tol-told! [resumes beating her. His mom opens the door to see what's the matter]
Sarah: Jimmy What the? [tries to stop the beating] Jimmy, oh my God!
Jimmy: [uppercuts his mother off and heads for the door] Stay away from me, you stupid b-b-b-bitches! [walks down the hall, hits the walk with his right crutch, and breaks down.] No! God! [collapses on his back and bawls]
Scene Description: Saturday morning at the Special Olympics stadium.
Host: Welcome, everyone, to the 2004 Special Olympics! [the crowd cheers. The boys are there, as promised] We will be holding various throughout the day, and at the end of it all we will have some very special celebrity athletes here to present the trophy for top athlete, along with the cash prize of one thousand dollars.
Jimmy: [flexes his right bicep] Top athlete, yeah!
Cartman: One thousand dollars, yeah!
Host: So let's have all our athletes report to their first assigned events and... Let the Games begin! [The crowd cheers wildly]
Scene Description: First event, Track and Field, 100-meter dash.
Announcer: Will those athletes in heat 1 of the hundred-meter dash please report to Track Area B.
Volunteer 2: Okay, racers, are we ready? [raises her firing pistol] Take your marks.
Cartman: [hobbles into the fifth position on the track] Daaaa! Daaaa!
Volunteer 2: On your marks! Get set! Go! [the runners take off. Cartman quickly falls behind]
Cartman: Whoa. What the hell?? [the girl in position 6 breaks the tape. Cartman hobbles past the finish line four seconds later]
Volunteer 2: Great job, everyone. [points to the runners who were in positions 6, 2, and 4] You three advance to the next heat. [the group leaves]
Winner: All right!
Blond Boy: Good Job.
Blonde Girl: We did it!
Cartman: Well, guess I'll, guess I'll just have to kick ass in the other events.
Scene Description: "Put It To The Limit" begins to play again. Cartman is in a swimming competition now, but again, he's struggling in last place. Jimmy lifts a bar laden with weights successfully in the clean-and-jerk competition, then throws the bar down.
Jimmy: Yeeessss! [walks back and forth happily] Yes! Yes!
Announcer: He's got it! That's a new Special Olympics record, folks! [Timmy is understandably unimpressed and pissed off]
Scene Description: Back to Track and Field events, 100-meter hurdles. Cartman is again last.
Cartman: [trips over a hurdle] God-damnit!
Scene Description: Back to Swimming events. Jimmy takes his heat easily.
Announcer: Winner, Jimmy Valmer! [Jimmy flexes his left arm and scrambles out of the water. Timmy is more pissed off]
Scene Description: Track and Field events, pole-vault. a Special Olympian runs up to the posts, plants his pole in the square mark, and clears the bar successfully. Cartman steps up to the straight track with his pole.
Cartman: All right, this one I can win! [drops his pole, takes off his helmet and gives it to another athlete] Here, hold this! [takes up his pole and aims] I'll show you Goddamned retards! [runs up to the posts, plants his pole, and sails up, but the pole won't straighten out. It flexes a few time before it breaks, sending Cartman back down to the track, where he lands on his back]
Scene Description: Track and Field events, 100-meter hurdles. Jimmy increases his lead over the competition.
Scene Description: Track and Field events, javelin throw. An athlete runs up to the edge and throws his javelin. His tongue hangs out. Timmy rolls up and throws his javelin. Cartman runs up and throws his, but it lands just far enough for him to still touch the tail end of it.
Cartman: God-damnit!
Scene Description: Track and Field events, triple jump. Jimmy jumps and lands at 18.5 feet, skids a foot more, then stops and waits for the score.
Announcer: That's another Special Olympics record!
Jimmy: [raises his arms and crutches up in victory] Yeah! Yeah! [turns around] Yeah, I did it! [turns around] Yeah! Yeah!
Scene Description: Early evening at the Special Olympics stadium. The sun has set and some of the crowd is back on the field.
Host: Ladies and Gentlemen, our day of competition has come to an end, and we have an ultimate grand special champion for 2004! Here to present the award are baseball legends Mark McGuire, Jason Giambi, and Barry Bonds. [the three players come out and walk to the podium. All of them are buff]
Bonds: The 2004 special athlete is... Jimmy Valmer.
Jimmy: [raises up his left arm and crutch] Yeah! Fuck yeah! [Timmy sits nearby with his arms crossed, glaring at Jimmy. Jimmy walks up to the podium] Yeah, I did it! I'm the b-bub-best! [Bonds hands Jimmy the medal. The host returns to the podium]
Host: Congratulations, Jimmy. But we all know that the Special Olympics isn't just about winning. And so, we will now give out the Spirit Award, to the handicapped person who came in very last. Eric Cartman!
Cartman: Ah, screw you hippies!
Host: For winning the Spirit Award, Eric will receive this gift certificate to Shakey's for fifty dollars! Come on up, Eric!
Cartman: ...I could pile at Shakey's, heck. [puts on his helmet and walks up] Uh, Drrrr! Drrrr!
Jimmy: [confronts Cartman] Hey! Just what the hell do you think you're doing, Eric?!
Cartman: [humbly] Uhh, hehe. Uh de-duhhhh.
Jimmy: You f-f f-faked being handicapped to win?! [grabs Cartman by the collar] I should kick your ass right here, you lousy no-good ch-ch-cheater!
Timmy: [approaches] Timmah!
Jimmy: What?
Timmy: [points to Jimmy] Timmah!
Jimmy: [thinks a moment] Oh my God. You-you're right, Timmy. You're totally right. [walks up to the mic and begins talking]
Jimmy: Everyone, can I have your attention, please? [everyone falls silent] I'm afraid I have to give back my medal. The truth is, I haven't been playing fair either. I've been using st-steroids. I was willing to do anything to be the best, and the steroids made me blind to the people I was hurting. [a shot of Nancy, injured and taped around the head. She smiles] A good friend even tried to talk me out of it, and I wouldn't listen to him. [a shot of Timmy, who smiles and shows off his silver medal. Others around him wear bronzes.] Taking steroids is just like pretending to be handicapped at the Special Olympics. [a shot of a chastened Cartman before the baseball players]
Jimmy: Because you're taking all the fairness out of the game. But I know now that even if you do win on steroids, you're really not a winner. You're just a p-pussy. You're just a [shot of Mark McGuire] big fat p-p-pussy, and if you take steroids, the only decent thing to do is come forward and say, [shot of Barry Bonds] "Remove me from the record books, because I am a big, stinky p-pussy- " [shot of Jason Giambi] "-steroid-taking jackass." [Giambi nods ever so subtly] That's how I feel about myself, and why I must decline this medal and my place in the history books. And if you'll let me, I'll be back next year. To compete with honor. [applause rises from the stands, followed by cheers. The volunteers and baseball players gather around Jimmy]
McGuire: Hey kid. Good for you for being honest.
Scene Description: The stands. Cartman walks up to his friends.
Cartman: Well guys, I guess now you see what I was up to all along. I dressed up like a handicapped person and lost the Special Olympics on purpose, so that Jimmy could learn his lesson about steroids. [he looks at Kyle and then Stan for a reaction, but neither offers any. He frowns, then steps forward angrily] Eh, oh yeah?! We- well you guys are assholes! [straightens up] Grow up! [walks off in a huff]


Scene Description: Cartman's house, day. A minivan rocks gently on the street. Inside, the boys make their interpretations of spaceship noises. Being the good boys that they are, they're strapped in. They're wearing football helmets and makeshift Starfleet uniforms.
Cartman: [in the driver's seat] Captain Cartman reporting from Shuttlecraft Spontaneity. Approaching planet Omega Nine.
Stan: Warp drive disengaged. Landing sequence initiated.
Cartman: What kind of atmosphere are you reading on the planet surface, Jew?
Kyle: I'm a Vulcan!
Cartman: All right, what kind of atmosphere are you reading, Vulcan Jew?
Kyle: [looking into an imaginary viewer] The atmosphere is oxygen-based, should support our breathing.
Cartman: All right, hang on. We're about to land. [the boys make landing noises, with Stan finishing off with a thump. Cartman removes his seatbelt] Okay, First Officer Stan and Engineer Kenny, you come with me on the away team. Vulcan Jew Kyle will wait here.
Kyle: No! I'm on the away team too! [he and Kenny remove their belts]
Cartman: [looks back] It's my Mom's new minivan, so I'm the captain, Kyle!
Kyle: I don't care! You're not making me wait in the van again!
Cartman: Fine, Kyle! But if something goes wrong out there on the planet surface, don't hold me responsible.
Scene Description: The side door slides open. Cartman leads the other three out.
Cartman: Set phasers on stun.
Stan: Things seem pretty quiet.
Cartman: Yes. A little too quiet.
Kyle: I am picking up carbon-based life forms in Sector C. I believe we will find a village of peaceful aliens over that ridge. [Cartman sighs silently]
Cartman: Okay, fine, I guess we'll look for- Oh no!! Look out! It's a giant four-headed lava frog! Shoot it! [the boys take their positions and start firing away] Oh no, it got Kyle!
Kyle: [stops firing and stands still] No it doesn't. [the other boys continue with their phaser noises]
Cartman: Aw, it got Kyle and it's tearing his head off! [pretends to be the monster ripping Kyle's head off] Aw you guys, it looks like Kyle is done for!
Kyle: No I'm not! God damn it Cartman, you're not gonna kill me off again!
Cartman: Agh! You see guys, this is why you don't bring Jews along on the away team: they don't play along!
Kyle: Shut up about Jews, fatass! You don't know anything!
Stan: Oh God, here we go again.
Cartman: Oh yeah?! I saw Mel Gibson's movie, The Passion, and Mel Gibson says, in the movie, Jews are the Devil!
Kyle: He does not!
Cartman: How do you know?! I've seen The Passion thirty-four times now, Kyle! You haven't seen it once! There's even one part where the Jews have a chance to save Jesus, and you know what they do? They let Barabbas, a serial killer, go free instead and laugh about it.
Kyle: Naw uh!
Cartman: Go see the movie, Kyle!
Stan: That does it! I'm sick of you guys arguing about The Passion! I'm out of here.
Kenny: (Me too!) [they leave]
Kyle: I'm not arguing about The Passion! He's being an asshole!
Cartman: You know what it is? You're scared. You're scared of the truth. You don't want that movie to show you just how bad the Jews are, and why everyone hates you.
Kyle: People don't hate the Jews!
Cartman: [focuses Kyle's attention to him] Really? Three hundred million domestic box-office, Kyle. The top-grossing film of all time, Kyle. Those numbers don't lie. If you're not scared of The Passion then go see it. Go see it and tell me I'm wrong. Mel Gibson, Kyle. Mel Gibson.
Kyle: ...You're a stupid asshole! [turns and walks off. Cartman turns left and glances at Kyle]
Cartman: Sweet, now I can just play with myself. [fires off his phaser] Pewpeww-pewww! Get back in the shuttlecraft! [races into the minivan]
Scene Description: The Bijou, day. Mel Gibson's The Passion of The Christ is now playing. Kyle walks up to the ticket booth, stops, turns back, stops again, and steps up to the window. He gives the ticket salesman $10.
Kyle: One please.
Ticket Salesman: This is an R-rated movie.
Kyle: Yeah, I know, but I have to-
Ticket Salesman: But, because this is such an important film that actually depicts the selfless act of Jesus Christ, I'll let you in to see it.
Kyle: ...Thanks. [makes his way towards the doors, glancing back at the cashier in wonder]
Scene Description: The Bijou, inside. Kyle enters and makes his way to a seat. He watches.
Soldier 1: Hac bashtud Christo.
Soldier 2: Et lac Hesus. Belaca veshtad.
Jesus: Wa! [the whipping begins and Jesus screams. This goes on for a long time. Kyle's mouth widens, his eyes get bigger. The next scene, he's got his coat over his mouth and he's almost in a fetal position. The next scene has him turned to his left, grimacing, his hat pulled over his ears as he winces. The next scene has him trembling]
Kyle: Haaaah! [Next scene has Kyle with his eyes squeezed shut and his hands over his face. He's now curled up in a ball]
Jesus: Non. Non. Nono, non, non, WAAAAHH!! [the whipping continues and Kyle dares to peek again. His stomach reacts and he vomits. The next scene has him almost passed out with vomit dribbling from his chin. The film ends and Kyle doesn't move.]
Scene Description: The Bijou, outside. Kyle walks outside in a daze.
Kyle: How? How could the Jews do that to Jesus?
Ticket Salesman: Pretty brutal, isn't it? Kinda wanna make you change your life, huh?
Scene Description: Cartman's house, day. He's on the couch eating cereal.
Announcer: And now, back to Terrance and Phillip. [the doorbell rings]
Phillip: Hey Terrance, I think I have a-
Cartman: Mom! Doorbell!
Terrance: Wait, before you do, pull my thumb. [a second laughter and laughter is heard.]
Cartman: [the doorbell rings] Mom! Answer the door!
Terrance: Hey Phillip, guess what?
Cartman: God damn it, lazy-ass whore. [gets up and answers the door himself.]
Phillip: What?
Terrance: Faaart.[Terrance farts. Cartman opens the door and sees Kyle soaking wet from the heavy rain]
Kyle: You were right. You were right all along. I thought you were just an asshole when you ripped on Jews, but... I didn't know, I... I didn't know.
Cartman: It's okay, Kyle. It's okay. Just... say that first part again?
Kyle: You were, you were right?
Cartman: [closes his eyes and relishes the moment] Mmm, one more time, Kyle.
Kyle: You were right. [Cartman opens his eyes and beams brightly]
Scene Description: Cartman's house, his bedroom. Cartman's on his knees.
Cartman: I want to thank you for all the blessings you have brought me. You have shown me the way so many times in the past and... now you are making all my dreams come true. You give me strength when there is doubt, and I praise you for all you have done. [a shot of Mel Gibson's poster, without the "Braveheart" on it.] Only you, Mel Gibson, have had the wisdom and the courage to show the world the truth. From this day forward I will dedicate my life to making sure your film is seen by everyone. I will organize the masses so that we may do thy bidding. Hail Mel Gibson. Amen.
Scene Description: Stan's house. He and Kenny are in his bedroom reading a newspaper.
Stan: Look at that, dude. The Passion has made almost 400 million dollars at the box office now.
Kenny: (Goddamn.)
Stan: [rises] Everyone in the country's gonna see that movie. I guess... we have to go see it too.
Scene Description: The Bijou, day. No clouds around. Stan and Kenny sit inside in the middle, looking at the movie. The movie ends.
Stan: Dude. That movie sucked.
Kenny: (Yeah, it totally sucked!)
Stan: How can they even call that a movie?
Kenny: (I don't know!)
Stan: That's bullcrap dude, let's go get our money back.
Kenny: (Yeah!) [they leave their seats]
Scene Description: The Bijou, outside. A couple emerges.
Jack: Wow, I didn't realize how horrible Christ's death was.
Elise: Me neither. Oh honey, let's be good Christians from now on! [they walk off, screen left. A second couple emerges]
Man 1: [brown shirt, green sweater] I think if more people saw The Passion they'd have faith in Jesus.
Woman 1: [orange blouse, necklace] Yeah, it really guilt-trips you into believing. [they walk off, screen right. Stan and Kenny come out and approach the window]
Stan: Hey, we want our money back.
Ticket Salesman: Huh?
Stan: That movie sucked ass. Give us back our eighteen dollars.
Ticket Salesman: I can't refund your money. You sat through the whole movie.
Stan: That wasn't a movie, that was a snuff film!
Kenny: (Yeah!)
Stan: You can't charge people to watch a guy get tortured for two hours!
Ticket Salesman: That guy happened to be Jesus, and he went through all that to pay for your sins!
Stan: We go to church to learn that stuff! We go to movies to be entertained! We weren't entertained, and we want our money back!
Ticket Salesman: I'm not allowed to give you your money back after you sat through the whole movie! You'd have to take your complaint up with the film's producers.
Stan: W-what? Mel Gibson? You're saying we have to get our money back from Mel Gibson?
Ticket Salesman: Yeah. I'd like to see you try.
Stan: Oh, we will! This is America! And in America, if something sucks, you're supposed to be able to get your money back! Come on, Kenny! [he and Kenny storm off]
Scene Description: Kyle's house, night. Kyle tosses and turns while asleep. Scenes from the movie fill his mind: Jesus carrying the cross past the high priests, who have scowling faces. Flashes of Renaissance Passion art go by.
Priests: Kill him! Guilty! Kill him! [sketches of a nail driven through the left palm are animated, then a realistic view of Jesus crucified] Kill him! Kill him! Die!
Kyle: Kill Jesus! Yesss! Arrrgh! [a spear pierces Jesus' side. The one piercing him is Kyle himself, who seems to be relishing this, as he pierces Jesus a few more times. A review of images, then an image of Alan Alda, and Kyle wakes up frightened. After a few screams he looks around]
Scene Description: Stan's house, day. Stan and Kenny are at Stan's computer.
Stan: Okay, search for Mel Gibson. Mel Gibson bio, Mel Gibson news, Mel Gibson... home page. Here we go. [clicks on the link] Welcome to Mel Gibson's ThePassion.com, your source for everything Mel. Pictures, philosophy, upcoming projects. Damn it, no phone number! Oh wait! "For more information on Mel Gibson, call the Webmaster at 1-800-43.." Okay, okay, wait, here we go. [picks up the phone and dials in]
Scene Description: MEL GIBSON FAN CLUB LINE
Scene Description: The phone rings. Cartman answers.
Cartman: Mel Gibson's The Passion Fan Club.
Stan: Hi, uh, my friend and I just went to see The Passion.
Cartman: Uh huh, and so you want to join the fan club now. Our first meeting is at 5:30 p.m.
Stan: No, no, no, no, we want our money back.
Cartman: What?
Stan: We think the movie sucked and we want Mel Gibson to give us back our eighteen dollars. Do you know how we can get in touch with him?
Cartman: You thought it sucked? Sir, apparently, you don't understand what Mel Gibson was trying to do! He was trying to express, through cinema, the horror and filthiness of the common Jew. It has made people the world over open their eyes.
Stan: Look, kid, we just thought it was a bad movie, so tell us how to get in touch with Mel Gibson so we can get our money back!
Cartman: If I knew where Mel Gibson was, I'd be down on the floor licking his balls at this very moment, sir. All I know is he lives somewhere in Malibu. Now stop wasting me and Mel Gibson's time, you little wussy prick.
Stan: Hey, don't take that tone with me, kid! I'll kick your ass!
Cartman: Oh yeah?! I'd like to see you try, asshole! I'm like six feet tall!
Stan: I don't care! You sound like a little bitch to me!
Cartman: Bitch?! Don't call me bitch! I'll pop your fuckin' head open!
Stan: Yeah?! You wanna bring it, you little pussy?!
Cartman: I already brought it, bitch! I brought it, set it down on the table and opened it, bitch!
Stan: [in recognition] Wait a minute. Cartman?! [realizing he's been recognized, Cartman is speechless]
Cartman: Eup. [hangs up and skulks away]
Stan: [packing] Come on, Kenny, we're going to Malibu!
Kenny: (Malibu? But how?)
Stan: We'll take the bus! Look, this isn't about the eighteen dollars ticket money anymore. This is about being able to hold bad filmmakers responsible! [He leads Kenny out of his room] This is just like when we got our money back for BASEketball!
Scene Description: Cartman's house, day. Cartman dons a Nazi outfit, taking care to look sharp.
Liane: Eric, sweetie, there's a bunch of people showing up in our backyard saying something about a meeting?
Cartman: Yeah Mom, I'm holding a meeting for all the people who loved The Passion as much as I did.
Liane: Oh, that's great, sweetie.
Cartman: [turns right so his profile will look sharp as well] Tell them I'll be down shortly
Liane: Okay, hon.
Cartman: [wields his short whip]Töten sie die Juden. Wir können nicht still stehen bis sie alle tot sind! Okay, I'm ready. I'm ready to do thy bidding, Mel Gibson. [a shot of the poster.]
Scene Description: Cartman's backyard. Some people are seated, others chat, others help themselves to chips and fingerfoods.
Man 1: Hello, are you folks holding this Passion meeting?
Jack: No. Actually, we're guests as well. I'm Jack Garrett and this is my wife Elise.
Elise: Hello.
Man 2: I think it's so great that someone took the initiative to have a meeting like this.
Elise: Oh I agree. There are so many of us who are moved by The Passion. It's a perfect idea to have us organize so we can strengthen the Christian community.
Man 2: And apparently the organizer is just an eight year old boy who was touched by the film.
Jack: Leave it to a child to show us all the way, huh?
Ticket Salesman: Yeah, so I see this ad on the Internet saying if you love The Passion to come to this meeting, so here I am!
Woman 2: It's great that everyone came here to figure out how to use The Passion to enrich everyone's lives. [Cartman approaches the dais.]
Cartman: Ah, hello everyone. Achtung. [the last few standing people take their seats] My name is Eric Cartman and I'm the President of the Mel Gibson Fan Club. [applause] Ah thank you, thank you. I'm happy to see that all of you.were affected by The Passion like I was. Now, we all know why we're here, and I believe we all what needs to be done.
Woman 3: [in pink dress] We sure do. [the crowd voices its approval]
Cartman: But, I think it's best we don't talk out loud about it until we have most of them on the trains heading to the camps. [the guests fall silent]
Elise: [in orange blouse] Wha- what does that mean, sweetie?
Jack: I'm not sure, but- uh. [stands up] Folks, I just wanna interrupt for a second and say how remarkable it is that this little boy brought us all together. The Passion is causing a revolution of spirituality, and we owe Mel Gibson and this little boy our thanks. [the crowd voices its approval]
Cartman: [bows a few times] Thank you, thank you very much. Now, in order to do what we [his face turns ugly] all know needs to be done, we are first going to need more support. I think we should all go out and take at least one other person to see The Passion.
Man 3: Oh, what a great idea! We each make it our responsibility to convert one more person!
Guests: Heheh, great! Yeah! Great idea.
Cartman: Yes, and then we can begin the cleansing, if you know what I mean.
Ticket Salesman: We sure do!
Guests: Yeah. All right. Woohoo!
Scene Description: Mel's Malibu mansion, day. A rusty Beetle rolls up to the front security gate, stops, and lets out some passengers, then rolls away. Stan and Kenny remain.
Stan: Thank you. [looks over his Map To The Stars' Homes] This must be the place. [they walk through a side door right under a guard's nose. He fails to notice them. They walk up the driveway and past the massive fountain] Goddamn, Mel Gibson must be loaded. [rings the doorbell. The door opens and Mel appears]
Mel: Yes?
Stan: Oh, hi, uh, my name is Stan, and this is Kenny.
Kenny: (Hello.)
Stan: Uh, we saw your movie, The Passion, and we didn't like it, so, can we have our money back, please?
Mel: You can't not like The Passion! I just followed the Bible! Christ died for you. Go home. [leaves, but the boys follow him in.]
Scene Description: Mel Gibson's mansion, inside.
Stan: Look, dude, we came a long way. We're not leaving until you give us our money.
Mel: Oh yeah? Well you're gonna have to find it first. [unbuttons his shirt] But I won't tell you where I keep my money. [takes off his shirt] You can torture me all you want, I still won't tell you!
Stan: Tor- torture you?
Mel: [removes his pants and socks] Ha! So you do intend to torture me, huh?! [runs up to a torture rack and lies down in it] Well go ahead! Do your worst! [shackles himself in] You still won't get your ticket money back! I can take whatever you can dish out!
Stan: We don't want to torture you.
Mel: I get it, but you don't have a choice, is that it?! Well go ahead! I just sure hope you don't use those whips over there on the wall!
Stan: Dude, can we please just have the eighteen dollars back from you?
Mel: [unshackles himself and walks up to the boys] I have to use that money to build my church! I brought the fire and brimstone back to Christianity with The Passion and now I'm gonna start my own church! And do you know why?! So I can play banjo! [whips out a hat and banjo, puts on the hat, and starts playing] Jesus, oh how I love ya, how I love ya Jesus!
Stan: Dude, this guy is freakin' daffy!
Mel: How dare you call me crazy! This means war! [jumps up and whoops like an Indian, twirls around a few times, and fires off blanks at the boys. Stan and Kenny run]
Scene Description: South Park Church, rectory. Fr. Maxi sits at his desk explaining things to Kyle.
Father Maxi: And so it was that God sent his only son down from heaven, to die for our sins.
Kyle: Oh okay, but did God sent Jesus TO die, or did Jesus just get kind of screwed over.
Father Maxi: ...What is troubling you, my child?
Kyle: Well, I have this friend, see? And this friend belongs to a certain, Chosen People of Israel. And it... so happens that these chosen people killed your Lord.
Father Maxi: Ah! You mean he's a Jew!
Kyle: Right. But he can't live with the guilt anymore. Because, even if Jesus wasn't really the Son of God, he was still a nice guy. And he didn't deserve what happened to him in Mel Gibson's movie. I I can't sleep at night. I mean, my... friend can't sleep at night.
Father Maxi: Yes, The Passion is very powerful. The truth is, there's not a whole lot in the Bible about the Crucifixion. The Passion was actually done as a performance piece back in the Middle Ages to incite people against the Jews.
Kyle: But how can the Jews make it better??
Father Maxi: Well, if you really care about your friend's soul, then perhaps show him the way of Jesus. Remember: Christianity is about atonement.
Kyle: Wait. That's it. Atonement. Of course. [gets off the chair] I know what I have to do now. Thank you, Father. [turns and walks out]
Scene Description: Back at Mel's mansion, Stan and Kenny are still running from Mel, who's chasing after them in a cartoonish way. Mel passes a mirror, then gets back to it a second later.
Stan and Kenny: Aaaah!
Mel: Two days ago, I saw a vehicle that would haul that tanker. You wanna get outta here? Talk to me. [resumes hopping like a mad rabbit]
Stan: Mel Gibson is fucking crazy dude! [catches a glimpse of a wallet on a table] Wait! There's his wallet! [runs up to it with Kenny]
Mel: Freedom! [Stan grabs the wallet and rifles through it]
Stan: Awww crap, he's only got twenties! You got two dollars, Kenny? [Kenny hands Stan $2]
Mel: Jesus is Lord! [Stan puts the $2 in and takes out $20]
Stan: All right, let's get the hell out of here! [heads for the doors and opens one. Mel dances in wearing a Carmen Miranda outfit. Stan and Kenny head for another pair of doors. Stan opens it and Mel enters dressed as a clown]
Mel: When you're a clown, nobody takes you seriously!
Scene Description: Outside.
Stan: Aah! Run, dude, run!
Mel: [hopping out behind them, in Braveheart face paint and wielding a sword] K'plagh! K'plagh! And good evening, frieeeeeeends!
Scene Description: The Bijou, day. A large cross is erected atop the Bijou sign. A crowd gathers and acclaims it.
Cartman: One month ago today, this amazing film opened in theaters. And now, we proud few gather here as a people brought together by its message! [some applause] Fellow fans of Mel Gibson, our numbers have grown and now, together, we have the power to change the world! [the crowd applauds] Now I believe we should take to the streets and march in unwavering support of this important movie!
Ticket Salesman: Woah! Great idea!
Man 3: It'll be like a parade!
Man 4: Good idea!
Cartman: And as we march for The Passion we should also voice our support! So, when I say "Es ist Zeit für Säuberung," you all chant back "Wir müssen die Juden ausrotten."
Elise: Well, what does that mean, dear?
Jack: Oh, I think it's Aramaic. You know, like in the movie.
Ticket Salesman: Ooo, Aramaic. Cool.
Townsfolk: Neato! That'll be awesome. Great!
Jack: What was our Aramaic line again?
Cartman: [pounds the table a few times] Wir müssen die Juden ausrotten!! [his hair gets messed up from the impacts]
Townsfolk: [repeats, gaining confidence with each syllable] Wir müssen die Juden ausrotten.
Cartman: Es ist Zeit fër Rache!
Townsfolk: Wir müssen die Juden ausrotten.
Elise: Oh, this is fun! [smiles]
Cartman: [picks a mark in front of the crowd] All right, everyone! Forward, march! [they all move forward] Es ist Zeit für Rache!
Townsfolk: Wir müssen die Juden ausrotten.
Cartman: Es ist Zeit für Rache!
Townsfolk: Wir müssen die Juden ausrotten.
Cartman: Nice.
Scene Description: A synagogue. A service is going on, and the synagogue is full.
Rabbi: Shalom hak nak shalom. And now one of our fine young shlokas, Kyle Broflovski, has asked if he could speak to the congregation. [Kyle approaches the lectern]
Kyle: Thank you, rabbi. [Sheila smiles and gets Gerald's attention. Kyle clears his throat.] In 1973, the United States officially issued an apology to the African American community for slavery. In 1956, Germany officially apologized for World War II AND the Holocaust. And now, I believe, in 2004, the Jewish community needs to apologize for the death of Jesus.
Man 4: What? [others murmur their shock]
Sheila: Whatwhatwhaaat?!
Kyle: If we as a people choose not to believe that Jesus is the Son of God, then we can still apologize for the brutal way in which he was killed, and take our share of the responsibility for it.
Man 5: Oh my God! [the other congregants groan]
Gerald: Kyle, what on earth has gotten into you?!
Kyle: I saw The Passion!
Man 6: Oh no! The Passion?! [others murmur]
Man 7: This proves the anti-Semitic effect that movie is having!
Man 8: Yeah, it makes Jews into stereotypes.
Man 9: Stereotyping Jews is terrible.
Woman 4: Something must be done to stop that movie!
Rabbi: Now, now, everyone calm down. We live in a rational community, and everyone knows this is just a movie. There's no cause for alarm.
Mob: [from outside] Wir müssen die Juden ausrotten!
Cartman: [from outside] Es ist Zeit für Rache! [congregants rise and face the doors in the back, others look out the windows. They see Cartman leading a march past the synagogue]
Mob: Wir müssen die Juden ausrotten!
Cartman: Es ist Zeit für Rache!
Mob: Wir müssen die Juden ausrotten! [the rabbi and his congregants look on, confused]
Cartman: Es ist Zeit für Rache!
Scene Description: The southwest, desert territory. A tour bus heads east, with Stan and Kenny riding inside.
Stan: Well it looks like with these bus tickets we spend about eighty... seven dollars getting our money back from Mel Gibson. [net loss, sixty-nine dollars] But I think it's the principle of the thing that matters.
Kenny: (Yeah. I agree.) [a truck horn blows and Stan stands to see who it is. Kenny joins him]
Stan: Oh, you've got to be shittin' me. [Mel Gibson closes in fast in his Mad Max gas truck and wearing Braveheart face paint]
Mel: Give me back my money! [blows his horn again]
Stan: Goddamn, that guy's crazy. [hops off his seat and runs up to the driver] Hey dude, you've gotta speed up.
Driver: Huh?
Stan: Mel Gibson is chasing after us. You've gotta go faster.
Driver: Haha, very funny, kid. Sit down and stop playing games.
Stan: I'm not playing games. Mel Gibson is right behind you and he's gonna- [Mel plows into the bus, making both vehicles screech. The riders sway in their seats]
Driver: What the hell?
Mel: [shaking his fist in the air] Haaaa! K'Plaaaa!
Driver: Hey! That's Mel Gibson!
Stan: Yeah. I told you that!
Driver: Well, what the hell does he want?!
Stan: He wouldn't give us our money back for The Passion, so we kinda took it.
Driver: You didn't like The Passion? But it shows how Christ suffered for you. Mel Gibson is a very spiritual man. [Mel rams into them again]
Scene Description: The Bijou, night. The synagogue's congregation moves quickly down the street towards the theater.
Kyle: [to his parents] Both you guys, stop! Please. You're gonna make people hate us more!
Ticket Salesman: Can I help you?
Rabbi: This movie is causing anti-Semitism! You must remove it from your theater!
Congregants: That's right! Yeah! Remove your movie!
Shlomo: Remove it from the theater? Fat chance!
Man 10: We demand you stop showing it!
Congregants: Yeah! Yeah!
Kyle: [facing the congregants] No, no, no! Don't become an angry mob! [behind him Cartman is seen leading his mob to the theater] The last time we did that we killed Jesus!
Cartman: [points] Juden!
Jack: What's going on here?
Ticket Salesman: They're trying to have The Passion pulled from the theater.
Rabbi: This film is anti-Semitic and it must be stopped!
Man 11: Nonsense! Mel Gibson is a smart and spiritual man! There's nothing anti-Semitic about it!
Elise: It has reaffirmed all of our faith in Christ.
Rabbi: It's made one of our little Jewish boys want to apologize for the death of Jesus!
Jack: Well, maybe you should apologize.
Mob: That's right! What he said.
Woman 5: How dare you?! [the sound of a truck is faintly heard, but gets stronger.]
Kyle: [noticing] Look out!! [The crowds move to the other side of the street as the tour bus skids to a stop just past the theater. Mel Gibson roars into town and crashes into the ticket booth, and his gas truck blows up. The crowds crawl out of their safety places and merge]
Mel: Give me my eighteen dollars!
Cartman: Mel! Gibson! [brightens and approaches him, then grovels at his feet] Oh mein Savior! Mein Führer! You're actually here! Mr. Gibson, I have assembled the masses! We are ready to do thy bidding! [grovels some more] Have I been a good boy, Mr. Gibson?!
Mel: Ha! [ignores Cartman and walks up to Stan and Kenny] So! You boys have led me here to your secret base, huh? I guess now you're gonna start torturing me! Well! [grabs his nipples and falls on his knees. The crowd steps back as he twists his nipples] Oh, my nipples are so tender! Don't squeeze them anymore!
Ticket Salesman: That's... Mel Gibson?
Jack: H- he's not... quite as eloquent as I had pictured.
Mel: [backs up towards a building] Yeah... [grabs a piece of crap from his ass and removes it from his briefs, turns around, and defaces the building] I'll bet you wanna torture me now, don't you?!
Kyle: [joins Stan and Kenny] Dude, what's wrong with him?
Stan: He's koo-koo, dude. He's absolutely out of his mind.
Mel: You! You would all love to torture me, wouldn't you? [gets down on all fours and hoists his ass up] Okay, fine. See what you can fit in there, I can take it!
Kyle: Dude! I've been freaked out this whole time because of that guy's movie?
Mel: [rises and walks up to the boys] Fine! If nobody here is man enough to torture me, then just give me my eighteen dollars!
Stan: It's our eighteen dollars! Your movie sucked!
Mel: You can't say my movie sucked, or else you're saying Christianity sucked!
Stan: No, dude, if you wanna be Christian, that's cool, but, you should follow what Jesus taught instead of how he got killed. Focusing on how he got killed is what people did in the Dark Ages and it ends up with really bad results.
Jack: You know, he's right, Elise. We shouldn't focus our faith on the torture and execution of Christ.
Ticket Salesman: Yeah. Lots of people got crucified in those times. We shouldn't rely on violence to inspire faith.
Cartman: Aw, aw, no, come on, people, we're so close to completing my final solution!
Kyle: Oh, dude, I feel so much better about being Jewish now that I see that Mel Gibson is just a big wacko douche. [a grinning Mel squats and farts on Cartman, defecating on Cartman]
Mel: Woohoohoo! Woohoohoohoohoo! [hops towards the camera.]