Scene Description: South Park Community Center, night. The 2016 Presidential Election Night Viewing Party is over. Hillary's campaign poster is seen on an exterior wall. One man is passed out on the lawn off to the right with a bottle of beer nearby, another man throws up after walking out the doors. Most everyone there is either tired or disappointed. Inside, there are a few more people watching the results
Bill Keegan: And uh, definitely a bit of a surprise here. Looks like America has voted for a change of pace. The world is in a bit of a shock, uh... Is this? We're, we're for sure this is for real, right?
Randy: What have you done?! You maniacs! [a man seated near the entrance pulls a gun out his back pocket and shoots himself in the head, falling off the chair.]
Bill Keegan: We uh... I guess we're going live to the acceptance speech now? Uhh okay, here we go.
President Elect Douche: [with Caitlyn beside him] The people have spoken. Just as J.J. Abrams did with Star Wars, I will make this country great again.
Randy: This isn't how it was supposed to happen.
President Elect Douche: All my efforts this past week have paid off. And now, let's begin... fucking them all to death!
Scene Description: Butters' house, day. Cartman is at his front door knocking. Butters answers it
Cartman: Hey hey Butters, can I talk to you?
Butters: What do you want?!
Cartman: [walks in] Do you remember an e-mail I sent to you a few months ago, after I saw the new Ghostbusters movie? In which I might have said something to the effect of it totally sucking balls because women aren't funny?
Butters: Well I don't know, Eric.
Cartman: I just need to see exactly what I e-mailed you, Butters. And then I need you to e-mail me saying what an awesome prank that was e-mailing you "Ghostbusters sucked balls" when actually I told you it was really funny several times in person.
Butters: NO! I'm not doing anything for you! You're a traitor!
Cartman: A traitor?
Butters: Yeah! Boys and girls were at war, but you go and kiss your little girlfriend's ass! Whatever happened to sticking with your kind?!
Cartman: Sticking with my kind? You guys broke all my stuff!
Butters: Because girls drove us to break all your stuff, dumbass! If anyone should be pissed at chicks, it should be you! But no, you got your bitchy little girlfriend pullin' your strings now!
Cartman: Please do not call her that, Butters. I really like her.
Butters: Oh God, listen to you! [mimics his last sentence] "Please don't call her that I really like her." You've changed, Eric! You've really changed! Now get the fuck out of my house! [Cartman is taken back, but closes his mouth and walks out the door. Butters slams it closed behind him]
Scene Description: Channel 9 News. A reporter stands near some scaffolding around a newly-walled city
Tom: A historic election, and all the votes are in. Except of course in the city of Fort Collins, Colorado. It's been several days now since Fort Collins was hacked. Everyone's e-mails and Internet history became accessible to the public after being targeted by the Danish Trolltrace program. According to our eye in the sky, their votes will not be tallied anytime soon.
Eye in the sky: It's complete bedlam inside the city limits, Chris. [traffic accidents at every intersection, a broken fire hydrant spewing a geyser of water, three giraffes running through the streets...] Since the city was hacked there have been murder, suicide, and complete lack of civility. We also understand that nearly everyone within Fort Collins who was married is now divorced. Back to you, Tom.
Tom: This barricade behind me was put up not only to make sure nobody goes into Fort Collins, but also to make sure nobody gets out, since there's no telling whose Internet histories they've seen
Dangling Man: [at the top of the barricade] Please! [Tom glances at him and the camera zooms in] My wife is so pissed at me! [a bullet strikes him from the air and he falls to his death several stories down.] Guh!
Tom: [faces the camera] The defiant Danish company is still declaring Trolltrace a success, and claims that it will be available worldwide at any moment.
Scene Description: South Park, night. A helicopter flies over the kids' neighborhood and a camera on the chopper scans the area. A night sun comes on and focuses on a house. It's Gerald's house - he looks out a living room window and panics
Gerald: Oh God... [he looks up at the sky and sees the helicopter] Oh God! [he goes outside for a better look. Two government vehicles pull up right away and agents pour out of them]
Lead agent: We have him. The subject is home. [Gerald looks around, then runs inside and closes the door]
Scene Description: Inside the Broflovski house. Gerald runs past the stairs as Kyle and Ike come down to see what's going on.
Kyle: Dad, what the?
Ike: What's goin' on, Dad? [Sheila comes out of the kitchen]
Gerald: [runs up to her] They're coming for me, Sheila! They know everything!
Sheila: About what??
Gerald: Everything I did online! It's over!
Lead agent: Sir, if you'll come with us?
Agent 2: We need to speak with you?
Sheila: [shields him] You people really have nothing better to do?! What he did online is his business! Or maybe it's me. Maybe I'm the one that likes being peed on and I sucked him into it. Did you know that urine is 100% sterile?! How dare you burst into our home! [a shot of Ike and Kyle looking confused]
Gerald: Sheila!
Sheila: Urologia has been around since the time of the Greeks!
Agent 2: Sir. Please come with us now. [Gerald walks towards them]
Sheila: Gerald, you don't have to listen to them.
Gerald: I'm sorry, Sheila. Please know that I love you so much. Goodbye Kyle, Ike. [all three look on helplessly]
Scene Description: Neighborhood park, night, the bench. Heidi and Cartman are there again. They're wearing Beauty and Beast shirts, respectively. Cartman looks helpless
Heidi: I can't believe it, babe. I really didn't think things would end up like this.
Cartman: Yeah. Neither did I.
Heidi: I just... feel so disconnected from the world, you know? I really thought this was gonna be the moment that proved girls could do anything, like you always say.
Cartman: You can't stop believing that. Now more than ever you have to stay strong.
Heidi: I'm just glad I have you. At least I know you believe girls are smart.
Cartman: You are smart, Heidi.
Heidi: And funny too, right? You're always saying how people need to get over that girls are funny.
Cartman: [getting emotional] You're funny. Oh my God, when Amy Schumer talks about her vagina I seriously lose my shit.
Heidi: Hey, are you okay? This election really got to you too, huh?
Cartman: Yes, Heidi. For the first time I'm really scared for the future.
Heidi: Me too, babe. [scoots in and rests her head on his shoulder] Me too.
Scene Description: Freemont Bridge, night. One of the government vehicles stops at one end of it and the agents take Gerald out of it.
Gerald: Where are you taking me? [the agents take him down the riverbank to the riverbed] Wait! Please, there's been a mistake! Someone set me up! I'm not Skankhunt42! [the agents take him to a shadowy figure under the bridge] Dildo?
Hillary Clinton: [comes out of the shadows] Hello. Mr. Cunt.
Gerald: Turd Sandwich... I don't understand.
Hillary Clinton: Things... have not turned out the way they were supposed to. This election was stolen. And while this government is still in power, we have to prove it. We've come to ask for your help.
Gerald: My help?
Hillary Clinton: Leave us. [the agents leave and head up the riverbank] As I understand, there's quite a lot you've done online you don't wanna have come out. But I also understand you weren't trying to get a woman to kill herself. You were just being funny.
Gerald: Exactly!
Hillary Clinton: The Trolltrace program is the most sophisticated of its kind. The government has only a few short weeks to try and use that technology to stop the President-elect from taking office.
Gerald: What do you want me to do?
Hillary Clinton: You've proven one thing: that you have the ability to pretend to be someone you're not. We wanna send someone into Denmark undercover and steal their technology.
Gerald: You mean like... like James Bond? [looking hopeful]
Hillary Clinton: Totally like James Bond. You and I need each other, Skank. What do you say?
Scene Description: Mr. Garrison's house. Randy knocks on the front door repeatedly
Randy: Garrison! Garrison, what the fuck have you done?! [Caitlyn answers the door] Where is he?!
Caitlyn: He's resting. He's had a busy week.
Randy: [goes inside] Yeah I'll say he has! [sees him on the sofa and walks up to him] Do you have any idea what you've done to our country?!
Garrison: Yeah. Fuck them all.
Randy: You admitted you didn't know how to run a country! You agree people were supporting you just because they like the new Star Wars, and you begged me to help you lose!
Garrison: I changed my mind. The new Star Wars was actually really good.
Randy: No it wasn't!! Something else has to have happened!!
Caitlyn: Maybe some people enjoy nostalgia and going back to what feels comfortable.
Randy: There's nothing great about rehashing all the old Star Wars moments into a new- [Caitlyn vomits out a gusher of member berry juice.] Ah! Aaah! Aaaaaah! [bits of member berries are on Randy's face] Aaah. [member berry voices are heard] I, I suppose... I suppose I can watch it one more time. Give it another chance.
Scene Description: Turd Sandwich's office
Agent 2: [hands him a dossier] You're flying to Denmark under the guise of being a foreign ambassador. The Danish think you want to help them. Here's your fake passport and here are your nifty camera glasses. [the lead agent hands those over to Gerald]
Gerald: Wow...
Agent 3: Once inside the Trolltrace building, you will plant this. [the fourth agent walks forward with a briefcase] Looks like an ordinary briefcase, but at exactly 9:30 Danish standard time. the case will open, detonating an EMP device that will take out their entire facility.
Agent 2: It'll fry all their equipment, servers, and backup computers. After it detonates we'll be on the roof to pick you up.
Gerald: [smiles] And then everything can go back to normal.
Lead agent: One last thing: to pass yourself off as the ambassador, you have to pretend to be from the Turkish Islands. Are you any good at... changing your voice?
Gerald: That depends. Are you asking me? Or are you asking... [does his first impersonation] me, Andy the drunk sheriff? *hic* [next impersonation] Or me, the old Irish dart player? [third impersonation - Peter Griffin] Or me, from Family Guy? [fourth impersonation - Stewie Griffin] Or me, from Family Guy? [fifth impersonation - Chris Griffin] Or me, from Family Guy? [The lead agent and agent 2 give him thumbs up]
Scene Description: Ike's room, day. Ike is playing Minecraft when he gets a FaceTime call - it's his father.
Gerald: Hi Ike, it's Daddy. Everything OK there? [Ike look around] Listen, buddy, you remember how we talked about trolling and just between us guys we agreed it was pretty funny? [Kyle walks by Ike's room, hears Gerald's voice and stops to look inside] Well it turns out that even the-
Kyle: Dad! [runs into Ike's room] Where are you?
Gerald: Oh, hey Kyle.
Kyle: Dad, what's going on? Mom is freaking out.
Gerald: Tell your mom everything's fine, okay? I'm helping out the government. It's top-secret stuff, but everything's finally gonna be okay.
Kyle: No, Dad, I need you back home. Please, I-I'm so confused right now.
Gerald: Kyle, you've gotta lighten the fuck up, buddy. Every day with you it's "Dad, I feel guilty about this. Dad, I'm so confused about that." You're a kid. You're supposed to just laugh and make fun of shit. [smiles] Stop being such a pussy, okay pal? Fuck. [hangs up, leaving Kyle a bit stunned]
Ike: Daddy called you a pussy.
Scene Description: South Park Elementary gymnasium. PC Principal stands before a big screen with speakers on either side
PC Principal: Alright everyone, listen up. I know that many of us were shocked to the core with last night's election. But we cannot allow our school to be any further divided. It is time to try and start the healing process, and so here, to try and help us heal, is Bill Clinton. [claps. He's the only one to do so. Bill Clinton steps out from behind the screen]
Bill Clinton: Hi kids. I'm Bill Clinton, and I was almost the first gentleman in America. Thank you. Even though we might have lost the election, it doesn't mean that my work to be a gentleman is goin' to stop. I'm gonna ask all you boys to agree to join Bill Clinton's Gentleman Club. [its logo shows up on screen] But I can't do it alone. Sometimes, I wish there were two of me. Oh wait, there are. Oh Bill!
Bill Cosby: Yes, Bill?
Bill Clinton: Come on out here.
Bill Cosby: Hello, boys and girls.
Bill Clinton: I'm Bill
Bill Cosby: And I'm Bill
Bill & Bill: And together we're Bill and Bill Two birds of a feather comin' to your school Gonna show you all about what gentlemen do. When you're not quite sure how you feel Ask Bill and Bill.
Bill Clinton: Say, Bill?
Bill Cosby: Yes, Bill?
Bill Clinton: Would you like to join my gentlemen's club?
Bill Cosby: You know I would, Bill.
Scene Description: Heidi's room, day. She's writing some stuff down when Cartman enters her room.
Cartman: Heidi? Heidi!
Heidi: Hey babe. What's the matter?
Cartman: Sorry, I have to talk to you. It's really important.
Heidi: Okay.
Cartman: Heidi, we... have to get to Mars.
Heidi: I know, babe. You've talked about how humankind needs to get to Mars for a few weeks now.
Cartman: No, Heidi, we have to get to Mars like, now. [walks around a bit] I've seen what's gonna happen when Trolltrace goes online. I think... a lot of people have said and done things online that will make a lot of other people angry and, it's going to be very bad. Humankind is going to destroy itself and its only hope are the people who go to Mars, where there's no wifi. So nobody can see what anybody said or did on the Internet, ever.
Heidi: Babe, there's no way to get to Mars right now.
Cartman: Yes. [walks up to hold her hand] Heidi, I think there is. But you have to totally trust me, and know that I'm doing this to save... us.
Heidi: I trust you with everything I have.
Cartman: That's kewl.
Scene Description: Copenhagen, day. "Tjing Tjang Tjing" plays. The arrivals area is shown, and Gerald descends on an escalator. The music switches to an action-paced score.
Ticket agent: Your name, please?
Gerald: Miller. Von Miller. [adjusts his cuff links] I'm the ambassador of technology from the Turkish Islands.
Ticket agent: Oh yes of course, Ambassador Miller. You're here to support our country's-a Trolltrace program, yes?
Gerald: That's right.
Ticket agent: Your escort is-a right over there. [points to her left. Dane 5 waits at the exit holding a welcome sign up: "AMBASSADOR VON MILLER"]
Scene Description: A Trolltrace vehicle. Dane 2 is driving, Dane 5 is in the passenger seat, and Gerald is in the back seat.
Gerald: Nice little country you have here. Really clean.
Dane 5: Yes, ambassador. Denmark is ranked the nicest place to live in all the world almost every year. [the car stops at the Trolltrace entrance and the occupants step out] This is it, ambassador. All of Trolltrace is housed in this building.
Gerald: Mhm. [takes a picture. They go inside and Gerald looks around the lobby] Wow, this is really impressive. [takes a few more pictures]
Lennart Bedrager: [appears] Thank you for coming. [Gerald turns around] Welcome to Trolltrace. I cannot tell you how much I've been looking forward to your visit, [somewhat ominously] Ambassador Von Miller. We have so much to talk about. Won't you join me upstairs for frikadellers and leverpostejs?
Scene Description: A table at a restaurant. Stan is in a chair.
Stan: I can't imagine how you're feeling right now. I know that the election didn't go the way you'd hoped. What I want to say is, I'm sorry. [Wendy is shown facing him across the table] I know that girls have gone through a lot lately, and I just want you to know that... I'm here for you.
Bill Clinton: Okay, okay, that's good, but now, make sure she knows how you're gonna change.
Stan: I am gonna change. I, I am.
Bill Clinton: Whether she takes you back or not.
Stan: Yeah well, but I, but I want her to take me back.
Bill Cosby: [pops into view as he leans back on his chair] Yeah, but if you're just changin' to get her back, then you're bein' selfish again.
Stan: Okay, look. The bottom line is, you still have to have faith... in boys, because... because I miss you, Wendy. [some knocking nearby. Stan and Wendy look in the direction of the knocking]
Butters: Traitor! [Stan, Wendy, and Bill Clinton see him outside with four other boys - Craig, Clyde, Tweek, and Francis] Fuck you, Stan! You're a traitor! [drops his pants to show his wiener and puts his fist high up in the air]
Stan: Go away Butters! [Cosby leans back to see what's going on]
Bill Clinton: Who's that?
Butters: How dare you be ashamed of who you are?! [steps forward and presses his wiener onto the window]
Bill Cosby: Oh, he's pressin' pickle!
Scene Description: Trolltrace building, boardroom. Gerald and Lennart enjoy a meal, surrounded by servers outside the room.
Lennart: Enjoying the frikadellers?
Gerald: Oh. Yes, they're nice.
Lennart: And the leverpostejs are seasoned to your liking?
Gerald: Ah, I wouldn't know. Ha, haha.
Lennart: You keep-a checking your watch, Ambassador Von Miller. Are you late for something?
Gerald: No, no I, I-I'm just anxious to get a look at your servers. They must be quite impressive.
Lennart: Yes. Well a database that can identify everybody's Internet activity is-a very complex. I'm so pleased you want to help us rid the world of-a trolls. Do you happen to recognize... [clicks on a remote controller and a black and white picture of Freja Ollegard appears onscreen] this woman?
Gerald: Ahhh... no.
Lennart: Her name was-a Freja Ollegard. She was Denmark's-a national treasure. [pours himself some Gold Top wine] She had an amazing breast-cancer awareness website, and some... troll... decided to Photoshop-a wieners in her mouth. [Gerald stifles a laugh by putting a napkin over his mouth]
Gerald: Oh, wow. That's terrible.
Lennart: Her final straw was when she was trolled on a live TV show. [pours some more wine into a second glass] When the troll posted comments about-a breast cancer with-a fake doctors' names. Would you like to know what the doctors' names were? The first one was a Dr. Boobsoff. Dr. Cootsier Boobsoff. [Gerald stifles a second laugh] Then I believe there was a Dr. Juerdior Titsgo. [Gerald stifles a third laugh] But probably most insensitive of all was when the troll said he was Dr. Ipples. Dr. Now I'm Only-n Ipples. [Gerald stifles a fourth laugh, but it's getting harder and harder to do so. Lennart notices and gets in his face] Are you alright, Von Miller?!
Gerald: I'm fine. I... I think the frikadellers gave me a little heartburn. Ah, if you wouldn't mind, could I see the servers now?
Lennart: It would be my pleasure.
Scene Description: The Stotch house, night. The doorbell rings and Stephen answers it.
Bill Clinton: Hello, I'm Bill Clinton, and I was almost the First Gentleman in America.
Stephen: Oh my gosh! Honey, it's the nearly-Gentleman!
Bill Clinton: May I come into your lovely home?
Stephen: Well of course, that's very gentlemanly of you. [Clinton enters]
Linda: Oh my goodness, it's him. Hello, sir.
Bill Clinton: Hello, ma'am. I wasn't expecting someone so stunning. [takes her right hand and kisses it] I'm so sorry for the intrusion, but I was wondering if I could speak with your son.
Stephen: Oh. Well, I'm afraid Butters is grounded for pressing pickle at the nail salon again.
Linda: Stephen, this is a guest, a gentleman.
Stephen: Uh but, but of course we'll make an exception. [takes Clinton upstairs and to Butters' door] Butters has been grounded quite a lot lately. Don't know what's gotten into him. [unlocks the seven locks and latches used to keep Butters in his room]
Bill Clinton: Well, maybe I can help.
Stephen: That'd be great. No matter how hard we ground him, he remains defiant. [finally opens the bedroom door. Butters is standing on his bed looking out the window, with his wiener out] Butters, stop smooshing snake! The gentleman is here to speak with you.
Butters: [over his shoulder] What?
Bill Clinton: Hello, young man. Come on, sit down. Let's talk.
Scene Description: The Marsh house, dinner time. The family is eating dinner, but Stan is missing and Randy is still under the influence of member berry juice.
Randy: Well, I don't know about you guys, but I sure am excited. America is going to be great again. Aren't you excited, gang?
Shelly: No I'm not excited! It sucks, Dad! This country is gonna suck for four years!
Randy: Aww, come on, Shelly. We've learned that women can be anything. Except for President.
Sharon: Randy! You just spent the last month convincing me that the only reason people wanted to go back was because of a childish nostalgia they all had for the new Star Wars!
Randy: Have you really watched it, Sharon? It has more to offer than just nostalgia. Let's all watch it again tonight.
Sharon: What?! I don't wanna watch Star Wars any more than I- [Randy vomits member berry juice on her]
Shelly: Dad, what the hell is wrong with y- [Randy vomits member berry juice on her]
Scene Description: Trolltrace headquarters, day. Lennart Bedrager opens the server vault.
Lennart: Please, ambassador, explore the servers at your leisure. Let us know if you have any questions.
Gerald: Thank you. [the Danes leave, and Gerald goes into spy mode, entering the vault and locking it. He takes pictures every few steps and passes by Dick unaware]
Dick: You can stop being an idiot now.
Gerald: [notices him] What the-? Dildo?
Dick: Skankhunt.
Gerald: What the fuck are you doing here?
Dick: I was sent here by the government to do international espionage like James Bond.
Gerald: Nononononono, that's what I'm doing. Hillary Clinton says I was the only one capable of-
Dick: Of being smart and funny enough to pull it off. Yeah, that's what she told all of us.
Gerald: All of us? Who? [Dick looks to his left and Gerald follows his gaze. The other trolls in their group are there with their own briefcases]
Anonymous 821: Hey Skankhunt.
Gerald: What the hell is going on?
Dick: Don't you get it? The government made some kind of deal with the Danish. They handed us over so they wouldn't go forward with their Trolltrace program. They wanted the troll who killed Freja Ollegard and his associates. We got sold out because of you!
Gerald: No! [runs to the vault door] No, you've got to let me out of here! I'm not one of them! [pounds on the door in vain. The briefcases begin to beep]
Anonymous 821: [notices] Hey look, it's 9:30. The briefcases are about to go off. [When the briefcases pop open, they prepare to die, but they get rickrolled instead.]
Scene Description: Butters' room, night. Bill Clinton is still talking to Butters, who's still mad. They sit side by side on Butters' bed.
Bill Clinton: What do you think you're gonna achieve, young man? Do you really think all this pickle-pressing is gonna get you anywhere?
Butters: Well, I'm just angry, Mr. Gentleman. I'm tired of girls saying boys need to change. Somebody has to stand up for our rights!
Bill Clinton: What happened, son? Did a girl break your heart?
Butters: [suddenly tears up] No.
Bill Clinton: I know. I know how hard they can be. But... somethin's about to happen that you aren't aware of. [stands up and walks off a bit] You see, Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. And trust me, my wife is a crazy bitch. She and all the other women in the world are about to get payback. And we are all completely fucked. It's my fault, really. I've done things my whole life that gradually broke her spirit. And now that she's lost everything, let me assure you: she is piiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiissed. [walks back to the bed and sits down] Now, our only chance is to keep our heads low and act like we're changed men. Because, we're very close to the end.
Butters: The end? Of what?
Bill Clinton: Women are sick of our shit, son. And soon, they're gonna know everything we've said and done online. And unless we start kissin' their asses, we're all gonna be put in a big chamber underground and milked for our semen.
Scene Description: A hill in Hawthorne, California. Cartman and Heidi make their way to its crest.
Heidi: Eric, we're so far from home.
Cartman: We aren't gonna see home again, babe. We're gonna make it. There's no turning back.
Heidi: You really think there's hope?
Cartman: Yes. I do. [before them is SpaceX]


Scene Description: Tom's Rhinoplasty. A government agent speaks with Bannon.
Government agent: The political world is watching, Bannon. [gives Bannon a file] We need to make sure the president elect has a smooth transition.
Bannon: All indications are that his transition [flips a page] is going to be fine.
Surgeon: [walks by] We're just doing some finishing touches, but everything went well. You can see him now if you like.
Caitlyn: I'll go.
Scene Description: Caitlyn walks into a technologically advanced room where Garrison is seen having a blond, push-back wig put on his head by a mechanical arm.
Garrison: [talks with Caitlyn] Well, do I look presidential?
Caitlyn: Honestly, you look twenty years younger.
Garrison: They really worked on my stank face. Look! Whenever I don't know what people are talking about, I just do this, [lowers his body] like look. [shows his stank face] I can do this. [shows his stank face again] This is, this is my stank face. [shows a different stank face] It's like, I'm not listening to you, see? [shows his other stank face] They did a really good job on my stank lips.
Caitlyn: It's an amazing transition.
Garrison: Now I feel ready to take care of business and do what really matters... [sits up straight] in just a minute, I'm gonna do the UV rays a bit longer.
Scene Description: [the machine closes enseals Garrison]
Scene Description: SpaceX. Cartman and Heidi walk to the desk.
Secretary: Can I help you?
Cartman: Hello. I understand that you're trying to get to Mars. This is my girlfriend, Heidi. She's really smart and really funny.
Secretary: ...Okay.
Cartman: We've given up social media and we'd like to be somewhere as far from the internet as possible. Is it true Mars would have really shitty Wi-Fi?
Secretary: ...That'd be an understatement, yes.
Cartman: Well, we'd like to go. We can't tolerate this world anymore and we'd like to talk to whoever we can about getting to Mars as soon as possible please.
Secretary: Uh-huh. Take a number and join the others.
Cartman: What others?
Scene Description: [Cartman, Heidi, and the secretary turn their heads see a bunch of other people waiting, including Cher singing]
Cher: [garbled and auto-tuned] If I could turn back time...
Cartman: What the fuck, dude?!
Secretary: Lot of people want to leave the planet right now.
Cartman: Ah god dammit, is that Cher?!
Cher: [garbled and auto-tuned] Do you believe in leaving the world, oh...
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, principal's office.
PC Principal: God [knocks down papers] dammit! [knocks down lamp] How the fuck did this happen?!
Mackey: [knocks the door and opens it] Uh, sorry PC Principal, but someone wants to speak with you.
PC Principal: I told you to leave me alone, Mackey! [slams fist on the desk] I'm not in the mood!
Mackey: But, but sir, the president elect is here. [moves away from Garrison]
Garrison: [enters the office with two Secret Service agents following him] So sorry for the intrusion. You're not too busy, I hope.
PC Principal: Uh, not at all. Please uh, have a seat, Mr. Garrison.
Garrison: Excuse me?
PC Principal: Uh, please have a seat, Mr... President.
Garrison: That's better, bitch. [sits down and takes out a piece of gum]
PC Principal: Certainly want to uh, congratulate you on the election.
Garrison: Do you remember the day you fired me, PC Principal?
PC Principal: I know we've had some differences, uh...
Garrison: I was upset because a bunch of immigrants were changing my class and I believe your response was that I needed to go and "learn their language", "be more open-minded".
PC Principal: I'm sorry that your position here at the school was terminated.
Garrison: Are you really? [makes stank face] Are you really sorry? [makes different stank face] Because you see PC Principal, you helped create me. You insisted that I was a bigot, that I was an intolerant relic left over from another time. But now, I'm your president. And if there's one thing I've learned about becoming president, it's that your penis can get really dry. When all the skin on your penis is drying out from working so hard to get elected there's only one thing that can fix it, isn't there? Saliva, from a good friend who once doubted you. I need you to fix my problem, PC Principal, so that we can be even-stevens. What do you say, bud?
PC Principal: [is in complete shock]
Scene Description: Outside of unknown club. Two people got out of the club. The berries head to a tiny door.
Unknown berries: Oh, 'member when it fell in her drink. Yeah, I 'member.
Memberberry 1: 'Member when Han shot Greedo?
Memberberry 2: Sure, I 'member Greedo.
Tubbs: Ha, I 'member Greedo.
Memberberry 3: 'Member?
Memberberry 1: [knocks at the small door]
Guard Berry: [opens small window] What's the password, 'member?
Memberberry 3: Yeah, I 'member.
Memberberry 1: You 'member?
Guard Berry: I 'member. [opens the door, lets the berries in, and then closes the door immediately]
Scene Description: Inside a Memberberry bar. Random berries keep on saying "'Member".
Memberberry 1: Ha ha, 'member this place? [hops away]
Memberberry 2: Sure, I 'member. [rolls away]
Memberberry 4: [hops away] 'Member the Tantive IV?
Memberberry 1: Oh, I love that ship. [stops moving]
Memberberry 3: [goes with the other berries and talks to an old berry] Hi, it's us, 'member?!
Don: Ah sure, I 'member.
Memberberry 4: We did the thing with throwing Mickey in the drink, 'member?!
Don: Ah sure, I 'member; just 'cause of youse, we won the election.
Tubbs: Yeah yeah, 'member?
Don: Waiter, round of drinks for our heroes here, 'member?
Waiter Berry: I 'member.
Don: You done good poisoning the lady's drink. Now our man is in office, 'member? But I still have things I need you to do.
Tubbs: Hehe, hehe, I 'member.
Scene Description: TrollTrace Headquarters: vault. Gerald repeatedly knocks on the exit door with all his might.
Gerald: Please, you have to let me outta here!
Dick: Skankhunt, stop!
Bedrager: [talks from above] Yes, please. You're making a very jackass of-a yourself.
Gerald: [walks to see Bedrager's face]
Bedrager: Well well, what do we have here? Looks like your little troll-party.
Troll 4: You Danish pricks, you tricked us!
Bedrager: We didn't trick you, your own government did. They thought if they handed you over to us we would agree not to go forward with the TrollTrace program.
Gerald: You can't hold people prisoner! I haven't done anything! People are gonna be looking for me!
Bedrager: [takes out his phone] By all means, [tosses the phone to Gerald] contact whoever you want. Of course, you'll have to tell them why you're here.
Dick: What are you gonna do with us?
Bedrager: We're going to use you to set the world on fire. When the servers go online, there will be chaos, panic, and war. And from the ashes, a new world will rise: a world where everyone is happy, and singing, and has no secrets, [yells] like Denmark! [punches a railing]
Dick: You think you can turn countries in the world against each other? Our president will never let that happen.
Scene Description: Unknown supermarket. Garrison and Secret Service agents enter the store.
Garrison: Hey everybody! [walks to a checkout line, takes a mic, and hums "Hail To The Chief"] Guess who's here? It's the President of the United Fucking States. [mic drop, then walks around the store] Oh, it's been a while since I've heard from you guys. Hi, Janice. [takes a small bottle of water from her shopping basket and opens it, tossing the cap away] Hello, Stephen.
Stephen: [looks away] Mr. President.
Garrison: [walks around the store some more] I was just, you know, passing through the old neighborhood [checks out a tomato paste can from another shopper] thinking about what laws I might get rid of, when suddenly, out of nowhere, my penis got really dry. You know if they have anything at this store for a dry dick? Huh? No? You guys can't think of anything? Oh, I know. What about [points to] Eduardo Hernandez? I believe it was Eduardo who told me I couldn't double-bag my groceries, even though he's from fucking Guatemala. Well, what do you think now, Eduardo? You wanna double-bag somethin' else? [his phone rings, and he pulls out out of his back pocket to answer it] This is the President.
First general: Sir, we need you at the Pentagon. It's a matter of national security.
Garrison: Oh, really? I'm kinda busy right now, jeez.
First general: Sir, the Danish have released a statement. I'm afraid... we may be going to war.
Garrison: War?
Scene Description: Ike's room, day. He's playing a first-person shooter game when a Skype call comes in.
Gerald: Ike?! Ike, buddy, can you hear me?! I need you to do something, okay? Daddy needs your help! I need you to go to your browser and sign on to the school message board, okay? Can you do that for me? The school message board and then log in. Lowercase S, skank-hunt-4-2. You got it?
Scene Description: The other trolls witness Gerald's actions.
Dick: Wow.
Anonymous821: Wow, what?
Dick: He's gonna have his son sign in and troll for him.
Gerald: [covers his phone and faces the other trolls] If Skankhunt is still out there trolling, then they have the wrong guy! Get it?! It's called "using your brain", fatso!
Anonymous821: So they'll blame your kid?
Gerald: Nobody cares if a kid trolls! What are they gonna do, get a slap on the wrist?
Dick: [stands up] Didn't you hear what that guy said? They're gonna set countries against each other! We have way bigger problems!
Gerald: You don't know my fucking wife! [faces the phone] Ike, you got it? Great, pal! Okay, now I need you to go to the comment section, okay, and type in "You should all get raped by gorillas". You got that pal? Ike, "You should all get raped by gorillas"! Come on, we have a lot of work to do here!
Scene Description: SpaceX. Heidi and Cartman sit next to each other on separate chairs.
Cartman: Jesus, I didn't think getting to Mars would take this long.
Heidi: You really think this is what we should do, babe? I gonna miss everyone.
Cartman: I know, but it'll be worth it, babe. We'll be left alone to make our new world better.
Butters: Hey, Eric! [seen right near Cartman]
Cartman: [speaks to Butters] What the hell are you doing here?
Butters: Well I want to get the fuck off this planet, but they told me I had to take a number.
Cartman: Oh no no no! You're a male chauvinist sexist pig, Butters. You don't get to go to Mars.
Butters: [shows complete fear] No, you don't understand. I've seen the light, I'm a changed man, I thought boys were being treated unfairly, but now I know... shit's about to get a lot worse.
Scene Description: Outside of the White House. Memberberries start incoherent 'membering.
Memberberries: 'Member The Fugitive? '[Millions of Memberberries are 'membering.]' 'Member Aliens? '[They begin to jump the fence]' Here we are! Ah, yeah! I 'member. Come on, everybody, 'member? '[The large group of Memberberries continue 'membering.]' 'Member snow speeders? '[They approach the front door.]' Yeah, I 'member! 'Member not hearing? '[They breach the front door and pour into the main foyer.]' 'Member the invasion of Hoth? Haha! 'Member "you rebel scum"? I 'member! '[They fill the entire floor of the White House entrance.]' Oh, 'member the rebel transports? '[Thousands of Memberberries open the door to the Oval Office, and pour in.]'
Memberberry 1: "We did it!" 'Member? '[Five Memberberries take their place on the president's desk.]'
Memberberry 2: Sure, I 'member!
Memberberry 3: What do we do now?
Memberberry 4: Don't you 'member?
Tubbs: Ooh, I 'member.
Scene Description: Ike's room. Ike sets up the profile photo of Mrs. Herrera and a penis in a small Photoshop tab while Gerald is on Skype.
Gerald: Okay now make sure the little worm is in the woman's mouth, got it?
Ike: [puts penis in photoshopped mouth]
Gerald: Now I need you to type "You're a fat retard" in the comments.
Ike: [types in the comment section] "You're a retard."
Gerald: No, you have to say "a fat retard", Ike! It's a nuance, but it's very important!
Ike: [types in the comment section] "You are a fat retard."
Sheila: [sees what Ike is doing and is in shock] Ike! What are you doing?!
Ike: What he says.
Gerald: [exits Skype chat]
Sheila: [walks into Ike's room and gets a closer look] It was you, all this time! What have you done, Ike?! Do you have any idea the damage you've caused?! How could my child be such a monster?! [answers the call on her phone] Yes yes, hello?!
Gerald: [talks on his phone to Sheila] Hey sweetheart, how's everything going?
Sheila: You have to come home from helping the government, Gerald! I just caught Ike trolling Mrs. Herrera!
Gerald: Are you serious?
Sheila: Yes! The school troll is our son, Gerald! You should see all the things he's posted on his computer!
Gerald: God dang it! Let me talk to him right now!
Shelia: [hands her phone to Ike]
Ike: Hello?
Gerald: Hey Ike, just stay calm and act like I'm yelling at you, okay pal? Okay, give it a few seconds, wait. Good. Okay, now-now say "I'm sorry, dad. I guess I'm just fucked up inside".
Ike: No!
Gerald: Ike, you have to listen to me. On your mother's life, this is a matter of national security! You have to say "I'm sorry, dad. I guess I'm just fucked up inside"!
Ike: [angrily] I'm sorry dad. I'm just fucked up inside.
Gerald: That was amazing, kiddo. It'll all be worth it, okay? I'll make this up to you. Give me back to your mom.
Sheila: [takes her phone back] Gerald?!
Gerald: He's full of shit, he's not sorry! If he felt sorry, he wouldn't be able to do it in the first place!
Sheila: I know!
Gerald: I'm gonna get home as soon as I can to deal with this, okay? We can deal with this together. Just don't say anything to anyone for now, all right?
Sheila: Okay. Okay yeah, I love you too. I know. Bye. [ends the call and talks to Ike] You just sit in here until we figure out what to do; and if you get back on that computer, you are done, you got it?! [leaves Ike's room]
Gerald: [starts a Skype call on Ike's computer] Ike! Okay there's just a few more things I need you to do. I need you to type "How'd you like a donkey dick?".
Scene Description: Pentagon. Garrison and four Secret Service agents walk to the general.
First general: [salutes] Welcome to the Pentagon, sir. I've been ordered to show you around. [turns around] This way, please.
Garrison: [follows the general] So I can do whatever the fuck I want in here now, right?
First general: Yes, sir. Here are all [gives Garrison a folder of classified information] our military secrets and all classified information.
Garrison: [takes folder] Okay, good.
First general: [stops everyone by the Drone Program entrance] This is the Drone Program. In there you can kill anyone on Earth remotely. Here's the keys. [gives keys to Garrison]
Garrison: Thanks!
Scene Description: [everyone continues walking]
First general: In here is satellite surveillance where you can monitor anyone's conversation live.
Garrison: Oh that will come in handy.
First general: Extreme interrogation [stops everyone] room in case you find interrogation necessary.
Garrison: Oh hell yeah, it's necessary. Let's do it.
First general: [gives Garrison a briefcase] And here of course is the famous "football", where you could order a nuclear attack in four minutes. [walks away]
Garrison: Love me some football. [follows the general]
First general: [stops everyone by the Diplomatic Strategy entrance] And finally, in here, is the diplomatic strategy and negotiating room. [opens the doors, having everyone enter the room]
Scene Description: People in the room are noticing high alerts across the world.
Garrison: Well, jeez, this doesn't look very fun.
Second general: Thank God you're here sir. We need your guidance.
Scene Description: SpaceX. Butters sits next to Cartman by his left side.
Butters: Loolooloo, I've got some apples. Loolooloo, you've got some too.
Cartman: Butter, Butters! You expect people to believe that you went from being the biggest asshole in the school to a softhearted feminist like me? Fat chance.
Butters: No no, believe me. I'm a changed man. Girls are really smart, and they'll be running the country soon, and they deserve total respect.
Cartman: Yeah? You just forgot one thing, that women are funny too. That didn't occur to you, did it, Butters?
Butters: Well I don't think there was ever any question women are funny. Remember that movie 9 to 5 with Lily Tomlin and Dolly Parton?
Heidi: Oh yeah, that movie was funny.
Butters: Well I laughed my butt off and it never even occurred to me that they were women. I don't know why things changed. I don't know why people make such a big deal about women and comedy now. I mean what about Carol Burnett? She was great.
Heidi: Wow, I guess you're right.
Cartman: Yeah, I mean, when women make vagina jokes I think it's the funniest thing ever!
Butters: Yeah, well I swear I don't care how many times Amy Schumer talks about her vagina, I laugh every time.
Cartman: [looks at Heidi, then at Butters, then in a low voice] Oh, I see what you're doing.
Heidi: What, babe?
Cartman: Oh nothin', babe. I'm just... Do you think you could tell me some jokes?
Heidi: [giggles] Why do you want me telling you jokes all the time?
Cartman: Because you're [glares at Butters] fucking hilarious.
Heidi: Well, did I tell you the one about the skeleton and the skunk?
Butters: [laughs] That's already funny! [Cartman gets frustrated and makes a fist with his left hand]
Scene Description: The Pentagon
Second general: All around the world, countries are mobilizing armies and preparing defensive countermeasures.
Garrison: Why? What the hell happened?
First general: This is everything you need to know about the TROLL TRACE program.
Garrison: What's TROLL TRACE?
First general: A plan by the Danish to release the full internet histories of everyone on Earth.
Second general: The previous administration tried to work with the Danish by handing over several trolls, but the plan didn't work.
First general: The entire world has become very uncertain and unstable.
Second general: We think we should order all navy vessels to the Bering Sea.
Garrison: For what?
First general: Because when the Chinese are able to see all our e-mails and online activity, we believe they will most likely attack us. Also, there are ground troops mobilizing in Paris because the French believe when we see all their e-mails, we will most likely attack them.
Third general: Mr. President, sir! The Russians are asking what we intend to do about the Danish.
Garrison: Well, why are you asking me?
Second general: Please, sir, we have very little time before this escalates beyond our control.
Scene Description: The Kremlin, Russia, day. What follows is what's on the video, although the language is said to be Russian.
Aide 1: Президент Путин, Датское утверждает, что они всё ещё готовы включить программу Troll Trase.
Putin: Это всё, что я сказай, всё, что я сделай на Интернет будет доступно моей подруге?
Aide 1: Да, кажется так.
Putin: Датское должно быть оставновлены! Мы нужно знать, как Соединённые Штаты стоят на этом! [behind him, the phone rings at his desk and a second aide pops in to answer it]
Aide 2: Э... Господин президент, Овальный кабинет. [Putin walks to the phone]
Putin: Да, это президент Путин.
Memberberry 3: 'Member the Death Star?
Memberberry 1: Ahahaha, 'member cutting open tauntauns?
Memberberry 4: Yeah, yeah, 'member the Force? [the berries chuckle]
Putin: Что это такое?
Tubbs: Heheh, heheh, yeah, sure, I 'member.
Memberberry 1: Member McGy-?
Tubbs: Sure, I 'member.
Memberberry 3: 'Member?
Memberberry 2: Heheh, hey hey hey, 'member the Cold War?
Memberberry 1: Oh I loved the Cold War! That was fantastic!
Scene Description: SpaceX, day. Everyone is still waiting for the ride to Mars.
Tour assistant: Okay, Numbers 204 through 215, you can come on through.
Cartman: [leaves with Heidi] Oh, finally.
Butters: Hey, that's me too. Yippee!
Tour assistant: Right in here, everyone. [The group, which includes Cher, walks in, and the door slams shut behind them]
Elon Musk: Hello, everyone, and welcome to the tour. I'm Elon Musk. Are we gonna have some fun today?
Cartman: Oh great, a stupid tour guide. Can we just talk to someone important please? We want to go to Mars.
Elon Musk: And getting anywhere takes ingenuity. Oh, Mrs. Door? Would you mind... opening, please?
PA door voice: [interactive doors] Yes, Elon. [the doors rattle, but don't open. Elon turns and opens them manually. A chime plays as the doors open, and Elon leads the group onto the factory floor]
Elon Musk: The only way for humankind to survive is with imagination and technology. Cars that run on electricity. Solar panels that replace roof shingles. Even food that changes form. You see this? It's a pizza, only four inches long. And yet, when heated, it expands to make enough pizza to feed a hundred people. I call it the pizza... pocket.
Cartman: [whispering to Heidi] They already have Pizza Pockets.
Elon Musk: Who would like to see the Hyperloop? A new mode of travel that can take you from here to Dubai in nine minutes.
Cartman: Excuse me, Mr. Musk, this is all super interesting and shit, but can we see the Mars rocket now?
Scene Description: Meanwhile, at the Pentagon...
Staffer 1: Sir, India is moving aircraft carriers into the Gulf of Mexico.
Garrison: Well why would we care about Mexicans?!
Staffer 2: [in winter fatigues] Sir, a message from Saudi Arabia. They say they pinky-promise not to look up our Internet history if we pinky-promise not to look up theirs.
Garrison: Well what does that even mean?!
Staffer 3: [in winter fatigues] Still waiting on if we should send troops into Japan, sir.
Garrison: I don't know, jeez!
First general: Sir, it's the UK Secretary of Foreign Affairs calling from London. He says they have advice for you.
Garrison: What?
Boris Johnson: Yes, hello? Things aren't looking good here. We just want to say, whatever you do, don't eat the membberries.
UK aide: [overhearing] Don't eat the membberries. They are bad.
Garrison: Memberries?
Boris Johnson: I'm afraid everyone here who ate the memberries wanted to go back in the past, you see. Hasn't worked out too well for us.
UK aide: We shouldn't have ate the memberries!
Boris Johnson: The memberries cloud your judgement. They get inside your head, you see.
Garrison: Get inside your head... Wait a minute... Nobody gets in my head, you limey bitch! Are you insulting me?! Stop wasting my time! 'Cause I'll have you here on a plane in five hours suckin' my dick!! [slams the phone down on the receiver]
UK aide: What'd he say?
Boris Johnson: I believe they've eaten the memberries.
UK aide: Ooh, dear!
UK aide 2: Ooh, dear!
Scene Description: SpaceX tour, day. The tour is winding down.
Elon Musk: Here you see our Falcon 9 full-thrust rockets. They are actually able to take off into space and land safely back on Earth for reuse. [the group moves back to the lobby] Well, I certainly wanna thank you all for joining our tour today. You've been a wonderful group. Give yourselves a round of applause.
Groups: Huh?
Cartman: Whoawhoawhoawhoa, what about going to Mars?
Elon Musk: Mars? We're still about ten years away from going to Mars. Maybe eight.
Groups: Awwww.
Cartman: No, no nonono, we have to go now!
Elon Musk: Well I'm sorry, but it's a bit more complicated than a pizza pocket. Going to Mars is gonna take a lot of very smart people working very hard for a very long time. Now, if you don't mind, I have hundreds of more tours to do. [turns to exit the lobby]
Butters: Mr. Musk, wait! [Musk turns around] Maybe we can help you get to Mars sooner. I'm not sure if you know our friend, Heidi. She's really smart, and really funny. [Cartman flashes an angry face at Butters]
Elon Musk: Like... how funny?
Scene Description: The White House. Some member berries have formed a group and are performing "Africa". A vintage car horn is heard and the mob boss arrives with some henchmen. "Sing Sing Sing" blares from the radio.
Don: Out of the way, 'member?
Berry Henchmen: You'd better 'member if you know what's good for youse! [the car moves through the crowd, down the corridors and into the Oval Office]
Memberberries: Hey look, it's them. 'Member? Sure, I 'member. [the mobster berries get out of the car]
Don: Ey, youse did good. Who's in charge, 'member?
Memberberry 3: We decided he's in charge.
Memberberry 1: No, we said I'm in charge, 'member?
Memberberry 4: No wait, I 'member. We all said he's in charge. [leans to the left]
Memberberry 2: Oh yeah, I 'member.
Don: Wrong. [shoots Member Berry 2 clear through. Member Berry 2 collapses and bleeds out green juice]
Memberberry 3: Waaah!
Don: 'Member stormtroopers?
Memberberry 2: Sure, I 'member.
Don: Not those stormtroopers! The real old ones. People wanna 'member? They're gonna 'member.
Scene Description: The Broflovski house. Kyle comes home from school and is about to go upstairs when he sees Ike in a corner, in time out. Ike has his head against the wall.
Kyle: Ike? [Ike looks back at Kyle, then puts his head on the wall again] What are you doing?
Sheila: Don't talk to him! He is in big trouble!
Kyle: Well what'd he do?
Sheila: It's him, Kyle! Your brother is the internet troll who's caused all this pain in our community!
Kyle: What?
Sheila: It was him all along. Now we have to figure out what to tell people when they learn this ugliness came from our family. [walks back into the kitchen]
Kyle: You made people quit Twitter? You started a war between boys and girls? You...?
Scene Description: Kyle stops and thinks back to the clues he's heard in recent days.
Heidi: I call it "Emoji Analysis". It isn't a student, it's an adult.
Sheila: This ugliness came from our family!
Heidi: I think it's one of the parents.
Gerald: You're suppose to just laugh and make fun of shit.
Ike: Daddy called you a pussy.
Kyle: [stops thinking back] Oh my God. Oh my God! Ike, come on! [grabs Ike's hand and rushes out the front door with him. Sheila hears the front door open and looks around for her boys. She reaches the open front door]
Sheila: Kyle? Ike?! Whatwhatwhaaat?! [her voice echoes around the neighborhood]


Scene Description: In front of Park County Police Station. A crowd gets riled up while Harrison starts a speech.
Harrison: Everyone calm down, please. We have to have civil order. Listen to me.
Scene Description: [crowd stops chattering]
Unknown person: Really?
Harrison: Now I know everyone's scared, but we have to keep control. Yes all of our emails and Internet histories are about to become public knowledge.
Scene Description: [crowd chatters]
Harrison: [raises his arms] But, but,
Scene Description: [crowd stops]
Harrison: we all need to understand that TrollTrace will never happen if people don't log on to use it. The website is a massive database that cross-references everything ever said on the Internet. It relies on people typing in a name and address of someone else [lays arms on stand] to add to that database. If we could all agree to resist the urge to look up other people's Internet histories, [looks at Maggie] Maggie, okay? As long as we all respect each other's privacy, darling, [looks straight ahead] then our town won't suffer the same fate as Fort Collins.
Stephen: And what are the police gonna do to make sure people don't use it?! I know I'll certainly respect others' privacy, but about other people like [points at Laura] Laura Tucker the Blabbermouth?
Laura: Excuse me?
Harrison: And that's why we have to come together as a community, and resist any temptation to use TrollTrace, [looks at Maggie] Maggie. We have to stay in control. [looks in front of him] This hack of our city will never happen, so long as we rely on the rationality and the basic decency of the American people.
Scene Description: [crowd panics and runs away]
Harrison: Guess I could've worded that differently.
Scene Description: Kyle's room. Kyle sits on bed with his head lowered while Sheila stands near the doorway.
Sheila: [yells] What were you thinking?! How dare you outright defy me like that! Your brother was being punished for using the computer and you decide to just leave with him?
Kyle: I just felt bad for him, ma.
Sheila: You felt bad for him, after all the horrible things he said to people online?! Your brother is a sick troll, Kyle! You just wait until your father gets home. [leaves the room and closes the door]
Scene Description: Ike's room. Ike sits on his bed miserably. He suddenly gets a Skype call from Gerald. Ike goes to his computer and accepts the call.
Gerald: Ike, where the fuck have you been?! Daddy needs your help. You don't want Mommy and Daddy to get divorced, do you? [paces] You know how bad your mom is, she completely overreacts to everything. That's where your brother gets it from. You don't want to be like Kyle, do you?
Kyle: [goes in front of the computer] Hi dad.
Gerald: [gets shocked] Hey, buddy! Everything good there?
Kyle: It was you, this whole time. You're the troll that caused all of this trouble.
Gerald: No, it was your brother. I don't know what's wrong with him, Kyle. He needs counseling...
Kyle: Heidi Turner did an emoji analysis. It was an adult. It was you.
Gerald: [starts talking right before Kyle finished] Shh, shh. Shh, shh. Okay, keep your voice down.
Kyle: [talks softly] Why dad? Why did you do this?
Gerald: Because it's fucking funny, Kyle. It's called having a sense of humor, and laughing. You should fucking try it once in a while!
Kyle: Putting a penis in the mouth of a mom who has cancer is funny?!
Gerald: Because it's so not funny, God! Pushing people's buttons to get a reaction can actually be very good for society, Kyle. Listen to me, the Danish are fucking crazy. You have to get people to stop them.
Kyle: How?!
Gerald: Go get people riled up. Call the President. I don't know. When you push people's buttons, they go and push other people's buttons. Now get out there and... [ends call]
Sheila: [enters Ike's room and yells] Kyle, Ike! What the hell is this?! What did I say?! Get off of that computer riiight nooooow!
Ike: [puts his head down]
Scene Description: Outside of SpaceX. SpaceX is surrounded by a barb-wired gate in which a crowd of people get riled up behind it, with some trying to climb.
Secretary: Uh everyone, please listen! We don't have any rockets going to Mars! Yo-you're not listening! We don't have the energy requirements figured out yet. We're working as hard as we can. There's a little girl working on the people right now and apparently she's incredibly smart and funny.
Scene Description: SpaceX:laboratory. Heidi stares at a large white board filled with charts and equations.
Cartman: [walks to Heidi with mug] You got it figured out yet, babe?
Heidi: [grabs mug] Babe, I have no idea what any of this means.
Cartman: Heidi, yes you do. You just have to get over yourself. Come on, say it. Say it.
Heidi: Girls rule, women are funny, get over it.
Cartman: [does a one-sided hug on Heidi] Get over it, baby. Stop holding yourself back.
Heidi: [sighs]
Elon Musk: Uh excuse me. Sorry, can we have a word please?
Cartman: [yells at Elon Musk] What the fuck do you want?! [talks to Heidi] Hang on, babe. [runs towards Elon Musk]
Elon Musk: This doesn't seem like it's gonna work out and we're rather busy.
Cartman: Just give her a chance. [turns around] She's the smartest, funniest girl on Earth.
Elon Musk: I haven't really heard her say anything funny.
Cartman: Yeah, [points at his own head] that's because you have a mental block, Elon Musk. [lowers his arm] They won't let you get over yourself.
Butters: [sits on chair, watching the conversation] He-heyeah! Don't worry about Heidi, she's a hoot.
Cartman: [faces Butters with a mad face]
Scene Description: TrollTrace: vault. The vault door gets unlocked.
Dick: Here they come.
Scene Description: [Dane 2 opens the door as Bedrager, Dane 1, Dane 4, and him enter. The trolls stand up]
Gerald: Oh thank god. There's been a mistake, okay?! I'm not one of [points at the other trolls] them. My son is Skankhunt42. Go online and see, he's still doing it!
Dane 2: [points a gun at the trolls]
Bedrager: All of you, remove your clothes.
Anonymous821: What are you gonna do with us?
Bedrager: Remove your clothes now!
Scene Description: [the trolls strip themselves naked]
Scene Description: TrollTrace: Observatory room. The entrance door opens.
Dane 2: [enters] In here, move.
Scene Description: [trolls enter the room in a line where they are put on separate chairs, handcuffed]
Gerald: [gets frieghtened] Oh god! Oh god, they're gonna [gets kicked by Dane 5] kill us! No no, wait! Okay okay, it was me! You're right, I'm Skankhunt! But I am not like them. Please, [gets put on a chair] I have a good job! I'm a good guy! [gets handcuffed] I'm sorry! [sighs heavily] I was just being funny! I was trying to make people laugh! [sees the Danes leaving the room] That's a positive thing, right?! I wasn't doing it to hurt people, I was just doing comedy. It's different! Please, it's different!
Scene Description: [the door closes]
Scene Description: South Park Church. Maxi makes a speech to people praying.
Maxi: Lord, we look to thee on this to our most trouble hour. We have been let astray and now all we could do is wait for the inevitable to happen. Soon everything we have said and done online is going to be known to all. Many lives will be turned upside down. Of course, I have nothing to worry about; since I'm a priest, there's nothing I'm ashamed of doing on the Internet, so [turns a page] definitely no reason to look up my history. But uh for many, this is a time to pray.
Everyone: [speak in unison] O'Lord, please forgive for things we might have done online.
Harrison: Maggie.
Men: Please try to understand that even some of us who were on MatchingMavis.com, it was only out of curiosity, and not because we actually having an affair. Please understand that we might have used racial slurs, but only because it was to a close friend and never meant to be public.
Kyle: [enters with Ike] What are you all doing?! [walks closer to the priest] Somebody's threatening your way of life and you all are just sitting here praying, like uh a bunch of babies?
Ike: [follows Kyle] Like a bunch of pussies!
Kyle: Come on, this isn't South Park! What's happened to us?! We used to have a challenge and deal with it, then move onto the next one. Now we've just been dealing with trolling and Internet stuff over and over, week after week; and I don't know about you, but I'm getting pretty sick of it.
Randy: Yeah.
Kyle: [stands on a step near Maxi] Now for once let's take a stand and try to end this. We can't let Denmark change who we are.
Randy: Yeah, fuck Denmark.
Prayers: [speak after one another] Yeah!
Kyle: You guys need to, you know, call the President and get him to take action.
Prayers: [speak in disappointment] Aw!
Stephen: The President? He won't listen to us. He hates us now.
Randy: No, [stands up] but there is somebody he will still listen to.
Scene Description: The Pentagon: Diplomatic Strategy room.
First General: Mr. President, we're looking at global destabilization blinked we've never seen. Countries everywhere are terrified their Internet may be hacked.
Garrison: Well what do they want me to do about it?
Second General: You're the leader of the free world. Everyone's looking to you to be the call and steady voice they all need.
Army Soldier: [salutes] Mr. President? Mr. President, the Isreali prime minister is on Line 1, the chancellor of Germany is on Line 2, and a Mr. Slave is on Line 3.
Garrison: Mr. Slave? [picks up the phone on Line 3] This is the President.
Mr. Slave: [talks at his house while looking at his fingernails] Hey, what's up?
Garrison: Well well well, crawling outta the woodwork to try and get me back now that I am a big cheese?
Scene Description: Mr. Slave's house is shown to have other South Park residents.
Mr. Slave: No, I'm calling because people want you to bomb Denmark.
Garrison: Who wants me to bomb Denmark?
Mr. Slave: Lots of people 'cause it's like gonna ruin their freedom of speech or something.
Garrison: Mr. Slave, this is all very complicated, diplomatic stuff, okay? You can't just go bombing other countries.
Mr. Slave: Oh Jesus Christ, you're such a little bitch.
Garrison: Oh I'm a bitch, huh? I happen to be President, bitch!
Mr. Slave: You're a little bitch, President. You're too scared to bomb anybody.
Garrison: I'm not scared, my advisors have told me that I...
Mr. Slave: Yeah, you're scared, just do what your little advisors tell you to do.
Garrison: If I decide a military strike on Denmark is warranted, then I will...
Mr. Slave: You don't have the balls to bomb them, pussy.
Ike: Pussy ass bitch.
Mr. Slave: Pussy ass bitch, fuck you.
Garrison: Oh [rambles] okay! You think so, huh?! Well watch this you gay asshole! [yells at the generals] Bomb Denmark!
First General: Sir?
Garrison: [turns around] The TrollTrace building or the whole fucking thing! Whatever it is, get the missiles ready!
Mr. Slave: [talks to others in his house] Yeah, it worked.
Kyle: Alright!
Scene Description: [everyone else cheered]
Scene Description: SpaceX. Butters walks to the men's room.
Butters: [talks to woman employee walking by] Hello. [enters the bathroom]
Cartman: [enters the men's room and sees Butters using the urinal] What are you doing?
Butters: [talks to Cartman] Going pee!
Cartman: I mean what are you doing here calling my girlfriend funny? You better back off! You don't even know her, your just saying it! How do you even know she's funny?!
Butters: Because you keep on telling everyone she is.
Cartman: Butters, Heidi is everything to me. If you take her, I swear to god...
Butters: Eric Eric, trust me! I want nothing to do with girlfriends! [walks closer to the toilets] I know what girlfriends do; they make you feel happy like you never felt, then they crawl up inside of you and poop out your heart.
Cartman: What are you talking about?
Butters: That's how it ends, Eric. Girls get you to feel for them, make you think they're the best thing in the world, and then they leave, move on to the next thing; and you're left there crying, with your heart covered in poop.
Cartman: Not Heidi, she's different. She's really smart, and really funny.
Butters: Sure buddy, sure.
Scene Description: Ike's room. Kyle and Ike read the news on the computer.
Kyle: Officials have stated that all communication with Denmark has end, and that a military strike on the country is now imminent.
Ike: Yay!
Kyle: The President stated that since then...
Sheila: [enters the room] Are you serious right now?!
Kyle & Ike: Augh! [get off the chair]
Sheila: [yells] Get off that computerrrr!
Kyle: Ma, we were just using it to look at the news.
Sheila: I don't care, I said no computers! You kids are addicted to the Internet! You're sick, and you're addicted! It's changed your brother, and now it's turning you against me, Kyle!
Kyle: I'm not against you, mom.
Sheila: You are! Your father goes away on business and all you do is defy me at every turn! The next time you defy me, it will be your last! Do you understand?!
Kyle & Ike: Yes, mom.
Sheila: And when your father is home from Denmark, you two are both going in for counseling.
Kyle & Ike: [in complete shock] Denmark?
Kyle: What is dad doing in Denmark?!
Sheila: The government sent him over to do paralegal training, so it would've nice if you could've shown a little support! [leaves the room and shuts the door]
Ike: Ohhh shit.
Scene Description: TrollTrace: Observatory room. The trolls are handcuffed and seated, facing the panels. Gerald is sobbing.
Gerald: [whimpering]Oh God! [continues whimpering]
Anonymous821: Will somebody shut him up?
Dick: Skank. Skank, get ahold of yourself
Gerald: You were right, Dildo, when you said I was a dick, when you called me an asshole. I am. And now I'm going to die alone, just like you said (starts crying again)
Dick: Come on. You're not an asshole
Gerald: [sobbing] You said I was, though, 'cause I only trolled to be...funny.
Dick: Well-Well, maybe being funny is just sort of how you deal with serious subjects.
Gerald: [sobbing] Really? You don't think I'm a bad person? I'm sorry. All you guys, I'm sorry.
Trolls: That's okay. Okay, Skank. All right
Gerald: [calling out to TrollTrace staff] Excuse me. Hello?
Scene Description: TrollTrace: monitoring room. Bedrager is looking over a TrollTrace employee's notes, while the trolls are shown on the monitor
Gerald: Could I please speak to the person in charge? [Bedrager hears Gerald and walks over to the monitor] I have something to say. [security camera zooms in on Gerald] Please, just for a moment?
Bedrager: [stares intently at the monitor with the other employees] Bring him to the conference room
Scene Description: SpaceX:laboratory. Heidi continues to stares at a large white board filled with charts and equations. Cartman walks over and observes her from a distance
Heidi: [sighs], Dude, I am so not getting this.
Cartman: [walks away in shock]
Scene Description: SpaceX: Upper level walkway. Butters is leaning against the railing.
Cartman: [walks towards Butters and then leans against the railing] I just don't understand it. She's always been really smart before. And hilarious.
Butters: Don't feel bad about getting duped, Eric. Its happened to all of us.
Cartman: [Yells] Nobody's been duped! Stop suggesting that she's being manipulative. Why would she want to trick me?
Butters: The truth is girls hate us, Eric. They're sick of our shit. And one day, they plan to make us obsolete, stick us underground where we just get milked for our semen. Boys' only hope is to start over on Mars.
Cartman: [turns around and yells] That's ridiculous. That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. Heidi is the smartest, funniest person I've ever met. I'm not being tricked. And I'll prove it to everybody!
Scene Description: TrollTrace: Conference room. Bedrager is eating a meal while two Danes stand guard.
Gerald: Oh, my gosh. Thank you so much for talking to me. I just really needed to get something off my chest. I'm so sorry. I had the biggest epiphany about the damage I've done, the people I've hurt, but the fact of the matter is I'm not really a troll. [Bedrager continues eating and not paying attention to Gerald.] I actually have a job. I'm a lawyer. I've got a loving wife and great kids. Uhm, I've got a family that really misses me and needs me.
Bedrager: [continues eating and not looking at Gerald] Freja Ollegard, the volleyball player, had a family, too. They miss her quite a lot too.
Gerald: And that-that is so tragic. And I'm so sorry that she was driven to kill herself by trolling. It's-It's wrong. But, you know, I just sort of set things in motion. See, I'm a satirist. I challenge people's point of views by being sort of edgy. [Bedrager stops and hears Gerald out] And sometimes, people can be like "Whoa!" and mistake that for hate, but its not hate. Its pointing out hypocrisies in out society.
Bedrager: You're so full of skinkinslat I can smell it from here.
Gerald: If you say mean things and you're mean, then I agree, you should be killed. But if you're being funny, which spreads joy -
Bedrager: You really think my plan is to kill you?
Gerald: It's not?
Bedrager: [To the two Danes standing guard] Leave us. [shoos them away with his hand] Go. Go, go, go, go, go, go, go.
Scene Description: [The two Danes walk out of the room.]
Bedrager: [In a sinister tone] Do you want to know what's really funny?
Scene Description: The Pentagon: Diplomatic Strategy room. Staff is running around and Mr. Garrison is eating a tub of ice cream.
First General: Mr. President, the bombers are en route to Europe.
Second General: Are you sure you want to proceed with this?
Garrison: [Licking his ice cream spoon]Yeah, yeah. Bomb the shit out of them. We have to be tough here.
Army Soldier: Mr. President? Mr. President, the Grand Duke of Luxembourg is on Line 1, the Chairman of the Worker's Party is on Line 2, and Kyle is on Line 3.
Garrison: Oh geez. What does Kyle want.
Scene Description: [Walks over to red phone and picks up the receiver]
Garrison: This is the President
Kyle: [in his bedroom, with Ike] Mr. Garrison, you can't bomb Denmark!
Garrison: Oh, for Pete's sake, Kyle.
Kyle: It's-It's wrong and it could start a bigger war.
Garrison: Kyle, this is all very serious diplomatic stuff, okay? You can't understand the political complexities involved here.
Kyle: [Looks at phone in shock and then thinks of an answer] I understand that you're a dipshit little gay puppet.
Garrison: Excuse me?
Kyle: Letting your ex-boyfriend manipulate you 'cause you miss his sweet ass.
Garrison: Who told you that?
Kyle: Everyone knows that. You only do what your little bitch boyfriend manipulates you into doing.
Garrison: Kyle, I am the President.
Kyle: You're a little dipshit president.
Ike: With a dirty...asshole.
Kyle: With a dirty asshole.
Ike: And...you shit out your dick.
Kyle: And you shit out your dick. [covers phone with hand and looks at Ike] Where did you learn to talk like this?
Ike: Daddy!
Garrison: Oh that's what people think, huh? Well, maybe I won't bomb Denmark. What do you think about that?
Kyle: Yeah, you will, because you're a little retarded shit bitch.
Garrison: [Yelling] God fucking damn it [slams receiver] Hold up! Hold up on the fucking bombs a minute!
Scene Description: Outside of SpaceX. A large crowd is making noise and still trying to get in
Scene Description: SpaceX:laboratory. Heidi continues to stares at a large white board filled with charts and equations, with Elon Musk and his staff observing. Cartman walks up to her from behind
Cartman: [Nervously] Hey, babe. Uh, how's it going?
Heidi: [Stares intently at white board, not paying attention to Cartman] I don't understand what any of these symbols mean, so in my head I'm trying to replace them with something I know to try and see patterns.
Cartman: [Wipes his nose] Okay, cool. Uh, babe, you remember that funny thing you were saying about soup the other day. What was that again?
Heidi: And when I do that, I can see how everything lines up except for one thing.
Scene Description: [As Heidi continues staring at the board, the formulas start changing into random emojis]
Heidi: [Thinking] I call it [echo] "Emoji Analysis" [the formulas keeping changing into emojis as the echo continues].
Cartman: Do you-you remember that funny voice you did at McDonald's? You were like "Could you-Could you hand me my water," or something. I can't-I can't remember.
Heidi: These two don't line up, babe. The only things that are out of order.
Cartman: Or the time you said the thing about clouds and I was laughing so hard-What was that again?
Heidi: [Turns to Elon Musk and his staff] Excuse me. Is it possible that the seventh line from the right and the third one up from the bottom left are out of sequence?
Scene Description: [the Male #Occupy Mars SpaceX Worker review his clipboard notes]
SpaceX Employee: I'm sorry?
Heidi: That stuff there. Its in the wrong place. It needs to come before that.
Scene Description: [the employees review their notes again]
Male #Occupy Mars SpaceX Worker: [Looks at his laptop] Wait a minute. She might be on to something here
Cartman: Okay, okay, now could you just do the "my vagina" thing for them? Could you just say "my vagina"?
Heidi: [Turns around and runs towards Elon Musk] They're out of sequence! I'll show you! [Cartman looks on in shock as she leaves]
Cartman: What the fuck is happening?
Scene Description: TrollTrace: Conference room. Gerald is sitting at the conference table as Bedrager stands by a cart with wine and wine glasses.
Bedrager: [picks up an empty glass] Do you remember, Mr. a-Skankhunt, when you and your little buddies trolled the entire country of a-Denmark?
Gerald: And that was wrong, too. I certainly want to apologize for that.
Bedrager: [pours himself a glass of wine] That was certainly a display of the power of a-trolling, wasn't it.[turns around to face Gerald] But, what would be even more impressive?
Gerald: I-I don't understand.
Bedrager: What if you could troll the entire world? Somebody who could rise to political power through nothing more that pushing people's a-buttons and getting them all riled up, become the leader of...a Scandinavian country, perhaps, get them to listen to you when, actually...[speaks with an American accent] you're not even fucking Danish.
Gerald: No way.
Bedrager: Use that country to create a machine that relies on the shittiness of people to fuck over other people and watch the whole world go completely batshit.
Scene Description: [Bedrager walks over to a microphone and starts talking over the P.A. system]
Bedrager: [speaking with a Danish accent] Attention all a-TrollTrace workers. Please report to assembly hall one for a big announcement. [speaking with an American accent] Completely fool everyone [sits at table with Gerald] and keep your real intentions completely anonymous.
Gerald: You would-deliberately start World War III, let the people of Denmark die, set everyone on Earth against each other? Why?!
Bedrager: Because its freakin' hilarious! Getting a Scandinavian country to fight trolls by building a giant machine that actually shows everyone on Earth is kind of a troll, too?
Gerald: That's not funny.
Bedrager: That's not funny?! Don't be a fag, dude! That's real bro shit there. Sorry to step on your fucking dicks in the mouth and tit jokes, you amateur little pussy. Come on! Have some fucking balls!
Gerald: You can't do this to people! It's not right!
Bedrager: [chuckles] Listen to you. [picks up microphone from under the table and starts talking in a Danish accent again] All right, everyone. Show's about to begin. [clicks on remote]
Scene Description: TrollTrace: Assembly hall. Employees standing around, waiting for the show.
Scene Description: [Two Danes try to access a door with their access card, but are denied access and try manually opening the door with a crank handle. The wall panels slide back and show the remaining trolls in the Observatory room, who can also see the TrollTrace employees.]
Dick: What the fuck is going on?!
Scene Description: [The trolls and TrollTrace employees look at each other, before an overhead project starts up and a countdown begins on the panels. The music video for "Never Gonna Give You Up" then starts up]
Music video: Never gonna give you up. Never gonna let you down. Never gonna run around and desert you.
TrollTrace Employee: Uh-oh.
Scene Description: ["Never Gonna Give You Up" continues playing in the background]
Dick: Wow. That's pretty impressive.
Scene Description: TrollTrace: Conference room. Bedrager quickly walks out of the conference room as Gerald tries to stop him.
Gerald: Waaiitt!!!
Scene Description: [Bedrager smiles as the doors shut and he slides his access card to lock the doors, trapping Gerald inside. He tries to break the glass doors open as Bedrager happily walks away.]
Scene Description: Ike's room. Ike is looking out the snow covered window with a candle nearby
Kyle: [standing in the hallway] Ike...It's time. [walks up to Ike] I don't know if I'm strong enough to go through with this, but its the only way now.
Ike: I know.
Kyle: Just remember-I always loved you, little brother.
Ike: I love you too, big brother.
Kyle: Let's...just get this over with.
Scene Description: Sheila's bedroom. Sheila is reading a book in bed. Ike comes up to her door and she notices him
Ike: Mommy?
Sheila: Yes?
Ike: Suck my balls. You're a fat bitch. [runs off]
Sheila: [screams angrily] Whhaaatt! [tosses book aside and jumps out of bed] You get back here, you little monster!
Scene Description: [Ike hops down the staircase and runs into the kitchen with Sheila behind him]
Sheila: [yelling] I have had it with you! Don't you run away from me, Ike! Who do you think you are?! [runs into the kitchen and sees Kyle standing there] Where is he?! Where is your brother?!
Kyle: He's in the pantry.
Sheila: [yelling] Don't you try and hide from me now! You are in big trouble now, Ike! [She continues on into the pantry before Kyle shuts the door on her and puts a chair against it] Whaaatt!? What, what!? Kyle, you open this door right now!! [starts to pound her fist on pantry door]
Kyle: Ma. Mom, we are really sorry...
Sheila: [yelling] Open this door! [continues pounding on the door]
Kyle: But Ike and I have to do something and we have to be able to use the computers.
Sheila: [yelling] What,what?! No computers! Do not touch the computerrrrrs! [continues pounding on the door]
Kyle: We have to do this, Mom. Its the only thing that can save our family now.
Sheila: [continues pounding on the door] You are done! You hear me?! You are both done! [screams]