Scene Description: South Park Elementary, morning. The school bell rings and the kids rush in to sit down. Mrs. Garrison enters the classroom.
Mrs. Garrison: All right, students, let's take our seats. Everyone try to be nice because we have a new student joining us today, and I know you'll all make him feel welcome. Say hello to... Baahir Hassan Abdul Hakeem.
Cartman: Uh oh! [Kyle's seat is empty, and he fears the worst]
Mrs. Garrison: Welcome to our class, Baahir.
Baahir: Thank you.
Cartman: Duhude, dude, [throws out his arms, palms out] not cool!
Mrs. Garrison: Why don't you take a seat in Kyle's empty desk for now?
Baahir: Okay. [goes to Kyle's seat. Cartman begins crawling out of his, away from Baahir]
Cartman: Oooh hooohoho. Nooo, noohoohoo.
Mrs. Garrison: [stopping him. What follows is in hushed tones] Eric, what the hell is wrong with you?!
Cartman: What's wrong? [looks at Baahir, who's looking back at him, then looks back at Mrs. Garrison and takes her aside] Has he been checked for bombs?
Mrs. Garrison: Eric, that's enough! Not all Muslim people are terrorists!
Cartman: No, but most of them are. And all it takes is most of them.
Scene Description: The school playground, recess. There are several kids waiting at the slide, Butters takes his turn.
Butters: [slides down gleefully] Now you go, Baahir. [Baahir climbs the ladder steps and slides down. Butters cheers him on. Cartman shows up and looks at them. Baahir dusts himself off. Cartman turns and walks away, then places a call on his cell phone]
Scene Description: Kyle's bedroom, day. Kyle is still in bed, his window curtains drawn shut. There's lots of little tissues on his bed and surrounding floor with two plates on the floor next to the bed. His cordless phone is on the covers. It rings, he picks up
Kyle: [sniffs - he has a stuffy nose] Yeah?
Cartman: [hushed] Kyle, are you on your computer?
Kyle: What? No, I'm sick. [sniffs]
Cartman: Get online. I need you to check something for me.
Kyle: Dude, leave me alone.
Cartman: Kyle, every one of our friends might be in serious danger!
Kyle: [sits right up] What? Why?
Cartman: Get online now!
Kyle: All right, all right. [leaves his bed and goes to his computer, sits down and starts clicking]
Cartman: Go to MySpace. [enters the school building] See if there's a MySpace page for a Baahir Hakeem.
Kyle: [types a search term at MySpace] Baahir Hakeem. [Baahir's page pops up] Born in Chicago, eight years old, his favorite color is green... Car, Cartman, what is this all about?
Cartman: [begins walking down the hallway] Kyle, I want you to check his buddy list. How many MySpace friends does he have?
Kyle: Over a hundred.
Cartman: [walks further along] Look further down the page. Does he list his favorite band?
Kyle: White Stripes
Cartman: [stops suddenly] That's funny.
Kyle: What?
Cartman: He told everyone in class today his favorite band was Blink 182.
Scene Description: A ticking clock: 11:59:57... 11:59:58... 11:59:59... 12:00:00... Darkness. The following text appears onscreen, then disappears after Cartman finishes speaking.
Cartman: [voiceover] The following takes place between Recess and Geography class.
Scene Description: South Park Police Station, day, Officer Barbrady's desk. A hovering camera looks at a ringing phone. Officer Barbrady answers.
Barbrady: Hello?
Cartman: [entering the boys' restroom, still in hushed tones] Officer Barbrady, South Park Elementary is in serious danger! [checks the toilet stalls on all fours]
Barbrady: From what? Who is this?
Cartman: I've just ID'd a Muslim and his MySpace page does not check out. You've got to get these people out of here now!
Barbrady: Are you serious?
Cartman: If I wasn't serious, would I be talking like this?
Barbrady: Like what?
Cartman: Whispering, but whispering really loudly for dramatic effect.
Barbrady: Oh jeez.
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, Mrs. Garrison's class, later. Mrs. Garrison moves on to History, but the school bell goes off as a fire drill.
Mrs. Garrison: What the hell?
Principal Victoria: [over the PA system] All students are to evacuate the school immediately! [Baahir looks around]
Scene Description: The front of South Park Elementary, later. The kids pour out happily.
Butters: Hey, Baahir, uh since we get to go home, you wanna come over uh, play checkers?
Baahir: Sure, okay. [12:02:32 pops up on screen and ticks the seconds away.]
Butters: Well all right! [they walk off together]
Kyle: Dude. [sniffs and calls Cartman. The LED readout vanishes]
Cartman: [exits the building through a side door and answers the call] Yeah. [walks among various trash cans and bins]
Kyle: Dude, I just got an IM from Stan that they evacuated the school.
Cartman: Yeah. Now do you believe me that somethin' is goin' on?!
Kyle: I guess so.
Cartman: Yeah well I don't like it! It doesn't follow!
Kyle: Wuh what doesn't follow?
Cartman: Why would a terrorist just blow up a school? It's not their M.O. Unless... Oh my God! Unless this was all just a big diversion. [starts running] Kyle, I need you to Google-search the South Park Chamber of Commerce!
Kyle: Okay.
Cartman: Their Web site should have a calendar of events: is there anything big going on in town today?!
Kyle: [looks up the info as Cartman talks] Yeah. Actually, there is.
Cartman: [stops] What?
Kyle: There's a Hillary Clinton campaign rally. [Cartman stays silent] Cartman? ...Cartman? [Cartman has turned off his phone and runs out of school]
Scene Description: Central Intelligence Agency, day. An agent takes a call and-
Agent: Sir! There's somebody calling in saying there's going to be a terrorist attack on the Hillary Clinton rally today.
Head agent: What? [takes the call] This is CIA head, Alan Thompson.
Cartman: Mr. Thompson, you have to call off the Clinton rally! There's a terrorist in South Park!
Mr. Thompson: What do you know?
Cartman: He just showed up out of the blue! I need to speak with the President right away!
Mr. Thompson: I'm the head of the CIA! You can tell me!
Cartman: I said I will only talk to the President!
Mr. Thompson: Look, if you have information of a threat, you could-
Cartman: LALALALALALALALA!
Mr. Thompson: I will have you arrested for-!
Cartman: LALALA-I can't hear you! Only the President! LALALALALALA!
Scene Description: The Oval Office, 12:04:27 South Park time. The LED readout ticks away, the ominous echo follows.
Aide: Call is coming through now, Mr. President.
Bush: Hello?
Cartman: President Bush, this is Eric Cartman! Are we on a secure line?
Bush: Huh? Who.
Cartman: Look, I know you're not the biggest Hildog fan, but she is in great danger right now!
Bush: Hildog?
Scene Description: A motorcade in South Park, day. The American flag waving from a pole on the hood indicates Secret Service protection.
Aide: Yes, I understand. I'll let Ms. Clinton know.
Hillary: What is it, Brian?
Brian: Ms. Clinton, we just received word of a possible terrorist attack on your rally today.
Hillary: Is the thread credible?
Brian: We aren't sure, but... perhaps it's best we call it off. [behind him, the rally gets closer and closer]
Hillary: No. No, I will not be bullied by terrorist threats. Your men do a good job, Brian. I have faith that any thread will be taken care of accordingly.
Driver: We've reached the rally site, Hildog.
Scene Description: The rally site, downtown South Park.
Aide 2: Don't worry, Mrs. Clinton, I'm sure everything will be fine.
Hillary: Thank you, Chris. [leaves with Brian and a third aide. The driver walks off in the opposite direction, and Chris whips out a cell phone. He walks forward and calls someone]
Chris: They know about the bomb!
Blond Russian: That is impossible! We took every measure to assure the bomb was hidden from sight.
Chris: Well somebody tipped off the CIA. I don't know how much they know, but security has been heightened.
Blond Russian: That bomb must travel with the Clinton rally to Boston!
Chris: The bomb won't make it to Boston now! With the heightened security, it's only a matter of time before they find it!
Blonde Russian: Then we have no choice. We have to move up the attack.
Chris: I understand, comrade.
Blonde Russian: Prepare yourself. We detonate the bomb... within the hour.
Scene Description: 12:17:56. Time keeps on ticking, ticking, ticking... Kyle is still at home, Cartman roams the rally.
Cartman: Kyle, I'm at the Clinton rally site, but there's no sign of that kid!
Kyle: So then maybe you're wrong.
Cartman: Nope, I'm not wrong. He must be somehow attacking remotely from his house. Did you find the address?
Kyle: Yeah. I cross-referenced his MySpace page with realtor.com. His parents moved into that green house on Janice Street.
Cartman: Jesus, that's on the other side of town. All right, Kyle, I'm going to take a picture with my camera phone and upload it to you. You ready?
Kyle: Yeah. [Cartman giggles and sticks the phone down his pants, in front of his genitals. He takes the picture and sends it to Kyle. Kyle receives it on his computer] What is that?
Cartman: It's my balls! [laughs as Kyle just looks at the image]
Kyle: God damn it Cartman!
Cartman: [his laugh dies down, then] Okay. Okay, Kyle, let's stay focused here.
Mayor McDaniels: People of South Park, it is my honor to introduce a woman who deserves nothing but respect. Mrs. Hillary Rodham Clinton! [the crowd cheers and holds up pro-Hillary signs: "Hildog", "In Hildog We Trust", "Hildog, we love you!", "Hildog #1 fan", "South Park Wants Hildog!!", "Hildog '08", "We Love You"]
Hillary: [affecting a Southern accent] It is so nice to be back in a small town like the one I came from. [more cheers for her]
Hildog Fan: Here we go! [his friends don dog-headed helmets and start barking.]
Brian: Otis Green, anything on that bomb threat? ["You know, when I start my life in office, quite a few changes have to be made!"]
Otis: We have the bomb-sniffing pig going through the crowd. If there is a bomb, the pig will find it. [the third aide has the pig on a leash, letting it roam as it will]
Hillary: This is why I campaign in small towns like these! Because it is in towns like South Park that you find the true America! [more cheers go up as aide and pig move around]
Aide 3: Oh my God, she got a scent! [the pig walks faster]
Brian: What?!
Aide 3: The pig is picking up the smell of nuclear residue. Terrorists have hidden a bomb!
Brian: [getting nervous] Oh my God! Where?! Where could they have stashed it?!
Aide 3: Come on, find it. Find! [the pig leads him up the steps to the stage]
Brian: My God, they hid it under the stage?!
Female aide: No wait, look. [the pig approaches Hillary and really wants to get at that bomb]
Hillary: How much money do we have to waste on needless spendin' when we should be focusing all our attention on... uh... [the pig buries its snout in Hillary's ass] on the education of all- Woo haha, whoa there, girl. Haha, [puts some distance between herself and the pig, but the pig won't back off] uh, uh, on the education of all children. [the pig tries the groin this time] Oh, I declare!
Otis: Oh my God. Do you think they could have hidden a nuclear device up Mrs. Clinton's...
Scene Description: CIA Headquarters. An agent comes up to Mr. Thompson with a report.
Agent: Mr. Thompson, the kid who called in the warning was right! We uncovered intel that terrorists have obtained a nuclear device, and that they have most likely hidden it in Mrs. Clinton's... well, in her...
Mr. Thompson: In her what?
Agent: In her snatch, sir.
Mr. Thompson: What?!
Scene Description: Back at the rally, later. Brian observes as two paramedics seat Hillary down on a gurney.
Hillary: What is goin' on? I wasn't finished.
Brian: Security measure, Mrs. Clinton. Probably nothing. [receives a call and answers it] Yes.
Scene Description: A CIA helicopter on its way to South Park, day.
Mr. Thompson: Mr. Jeffries, this is Alan Thompson with the CIA. We have reason to believe that Mrs. Clinton may have a nuclear device up her snatch.
Brian: A what?!
Mr. Thompson: A snatch. It's the technical term for vagina.
Brian: No, I mean what kind of nuclear device?!
Scene Description: A diagram of a bomb inside a woman's uterus. Zoom out to reveal CIA headquarters
Mr. Waters: Mr. Jeffries, this is Frank Waters. It's a suitcase nuke, designed to fit in a woman's snizz. It's called a snuke.
Scene Description: Back at the rally, later. Brian walks up to Hillary.
Hillary: What is goin' on, Brian?
Brian: Ms. Clinton, it appears that terrorists have snuck a snuke up your snizz.
Hillary: [fans herself in a Southern fashion] Oh my.
Brian: What do we do? Can we disable the timer?
Mr. Thompson: It won't have a timer. Snukes are detonated remotely. Whoever our terrorist is has a detonator with him.
Brian: But then that means...
Mr. Thompson: Yes. If we don't find that detonator, everyone in the town of South Park is going to die. For-ever.
Scene Description: 12:28:38 and counting. Four images come up: Hillary on the gurney, Kyle at his computer, Butters and Baahir playing checkers in Butters' living room, and the CIA landing in South Park
Mr. Thompson: Do we have that phone trace?
CIA vice head: [hands him the phone] The call is going through now, sir.
Cartman: [gets the call] Yeah? [walks through a parking lot]
Mr. Thompson: This is CIA head Alan Thompson. We spoke before about the- [he and his agents walk down the street. Two angles are shown of that, and a third image of Cartman walking through the lot]
Cartman: Yes, Mr. Thompson?
Mr. Thompson: Well, we've just arrived in your town.
Cartman: Why? Did you find something?
Mr. Thompson: Yes. There's a suitcase nuke in Ms. Clinton's snizz.
Cartman: [stops] A snuke?
Mr. Thompson: That's right. It's controlled by a remote detonator. We have to locate the terrorist before he sets it off.
Cartman: [walks again] I have the address of the house the terrorist moved into. I'm almost there now; where are you?
Mr. Thompson: We're on the town's main street, right by an ice cream shop.
Cartman: Oh dude, I'm, I'm right next to you. [the framing for the two scenes is removed to reveal the one image of Cartman standing next to the CIA agents. They look at each other]
Mr. Thompson: Oh, hey.
Scene Description: Kyle's room, day. Kyle is still at his computer when Stan walks in.
Stan: Dude, we totally got let out of school.
Kyle: I know. Something big is going on. Take a look at this. I did a Google search for "Hillary Clinton Campaign Rally" right? And one of the links was to YouTube, where this Russian guy had a bunch of videos.
Stan: Russian?
Kyle: Yeah, this guy. [a YouTube profile page is shown] Vladimir Stolfsky. He had videos on YouTube of every single rally.
Stan: So he's a Hillary Clinton fan.
Kyle: No. I cross-referenced his YouTube profile with MySpace, and according to his blog, he's an old-school Communist. So what's he doing at every Clinton rally?
Stan: Do a WebCrawler search: maybe he has podcasts up somewhere.
Kyle: Oh that's a good idea. [does the search]
Scene Description: The Hakeem house, later. Police, SWAT, and CIA move in on the house and arrest Baahir's parents.
Mr. Hakeem: What is going on? What have we done?
Mr. Thompson: They claim they don't know anything about an attack.
Cartman: Big surprise!
Police officer: Sir, first pass of the house, we didn't find a snuke detonator anywhere.
Mr. Thompson: Mr. Hakeem, where is your son?
Mr. Hakeem: We thought he was at school. He's not at school?
Scene Description: A clinic nearby. Hillary is up on stirrups while some police and agents look at an X-ray of her abdomen and groin.
Brian: You're doing great, Ms. Clinton.
Hillary: Do they know how long, Brian? How long before the snuke in my snizz goes off?
Brian: They'll find the detonator, Hildog.
Aide 3: We can't wait for them to find the detonator. If we can get to the bomb, me-maybe we can deactivate it. Can't somebody go and take a look inside Mrs. Clinton's snizz?
EOD leader: [part of the bomb squad] I'm not sending any of my men in there.
Chris: Are you almost ready to set off the bomb?
Vladimir: Everything is set. We have the detonator up and running. [the detonator is shown with its LED readout: 12:34:10... 12:34:11... 12:34:12... 12:34:13... ]
Scene Description: An interrogation room. A CIA agent grills Mr. Hakeem, with a female agent as witness.
Agent 2: Mr. Hakeem, we need to know where your son is!
Mr. Hakeem: I tell you, I do not know.
Agent 2: [sighs, then leaves the room with the female agent and enters the adjoining control room, where Mr. Thompson is waiting] This is getting us nowhere. If he knows anything, he's not saying.
Cartman: Let me have time with him.
Female agent: What are you going to do?
Cartman: We have to find that detonator! Let me have time with him! [removes his cap and goes in] You will tell me where your son is!
Mr. Hakeem: He should be at school! [Cartman walks off and brings back a stool, setting it against Mr. Hakeem's chair. He climbs up and stands on the stool, drops his pants, and starts farting.] Hey!
Cartman: [farts] Where is the detonator?!
Mr. Hakeem: Wuh-what detonator are you ta-
Cartman: [farts some more, and again, and again] I can do this aaall day.
Mr. Hakeem: [coughs] I don't know anything about a- [Cartman farts a short one, and then a long one that makes Mr. Hakeem turn away] Aawwwwgh [holds his breath, gasps for air and coughs] Stop it! Really!
Cartman: You can make it stop!
Mr. Hakeem: [almost weeps] I don't have the- [Cartman farts for a long time, and the female agent turns away from the one-way window]
Female agent: Are we just gonna let this go on? [Cartman continues farting]
Scene Description: Kyle's room, later.
Kyle: Okay, I got a text of the Russian guy's podcast. It's all a bunch of links to eBay.
Stan: You should be able to search his username on eBay and see what he's been buying and selling. [CIA agents enter the room quickly with their equipment]
CIA vice head: Ferris, set up over there. Two of you can take that bed area. [Stan steps down for a better look at the activity]
Kyle: Hey.
CIA vice head: Donner, take over that station. [points to Kyle. Donner walks over and shoves Kyle off his chair]
Kyle: [stands up] What's going on?
CIA vice head: This department is being absorbed by Homeland Security!
Kyle: ...Homeland Security?
CIA vice head: Look, your little game of goin' over people's heads is over! You could still work, but from now on you answer to me, you got that?!
FBI leader: 'Scuse me, who's in charge here?!
CIA vice head: I am!
FBI leader: [more people come in] Yeah well not anymore you're not. This department has just been assigned to the FBI.
CIA vice head: That's outrageous! On whose orders?!
FBI leader: On order of the Secretary of Defense! You had your shot, now I'm in charge!
ATF leader: [more people come in] Not anymore you're not! Orders just came down from Central! They want ATF handling this on all fronts! All right people, from now on you're answering to me!
Secret Service leader: [more people come in] Not anymore they're not! Orders from the President: he wants this handled by his staff personally! Now Nelson is in charge.
Nelson: [bursts into the scene] Not anymore I'm not! [everyone else falls silent]
Scene Description: The interrogation room, later. Cartman walks in with a metal suitcase containing syringes. He takes one out
Mr. Hakeem: What are you going to do to my wife?!
Cartman: Nothing... if you tell me where your son is!
Mrs. Hakeem: We told you: we don't know.
Cartman: [whips around and shows them the syringe] Do you know what this is?! [they look at each other, unsure] This... is apple juice. It gives super bad farts. [injects himself with the syringe into the right arm and hops up on the stool next to Mrs. Hakeem]
Female agent: Did he just inject himself with apple juice?
Cartman: Where is your son?!
Mr. Hakeem: She doesn't know either. [Cartman turns and drops his pants, and farts on Mrs. Hakeem's face]
Mrs. Hakeem: Aaaaaaaah! Aaaaaaaah!
Mr. Hakeem: I mean it! Stop! That is disgusting! Where is your mother?! [a phone rings and the camera zooms in on Mrs. Hakeem's shirt pocket. Cartman turns and reaches into the pocket, pulling out the cell phone]
Cartman: Answer it! [holds the phone to Mrs. Hakeem's right ear]
Mrs. Hakeem: Hallo? Hallo Baahir. Where are you? Who it But-ters?
Cartman: Butters.
Mrs. Hakeem: Baahir, one of your classmates is keeping us hostage. [Cartman drops the phone and farts a good gust of flatulence against Mrs. Hakeem's face] Aaaaaaaah! Aaaaaaaah! [Cartman drops off the stool and enters the control room.]
Mr. Hakeem: Ogh! You filthy little rapscallion!
Cartman: We got him! I know where he is!
Female agent: All right, where? We'll send our people in.
Cartman: No no, he's my lead. [opens the suitcase]
Mr. Thompson: You're not going alone.
Cartman: You blow in there and you risk taking him down without finding the detonator! I'm going to find out where it is! [gives himself a double injection of apple juice]
Scene Description: Kyle's room, later. The Secret Service is running the show now.
CIA leader 2: [white hair] All right, people, I'm in charge now and we will find the terrorists. Jarvis, I want you to check for any terrorist chatter on AOL. Marley and Greggs, try searching for nuclear devices on askjeeves.com.
Kyle: Ask Jeeves? Nobody uses Ask Jeeves! Just Google-search it!
CIA leader 2: Are you tellin' me how to do my job?
Kyle: Yes. There's a Russian guy named Vladimir Stolfsky who's got search engine hits all over this thing.
CIA leader 2: Chase, search the name Stolfsky on YouTube and cross-reference it with JDate!
Chase: Checking.
Stan: Look, these Russian guys all have blogs talking about this like it's just some big diversion for something much bigger!
Female agent 2: [with a stack of papers] Sir, these kids are right. We've just received intel that Russian terrorists are believed to be responsible for the threat.
CIA leader 2: Where's the intel from?
Female agent 2: We just read it on Drudge Report.
Kyle: Look, we already have the guy's blog. Maybe we can find an address and check it out on MapQuest.
CIA leader 2: We do this my way! I'm the one in charge!
Kyle: [he and Stan look at each other] ...Not anymore you're not.
CIA leader 2: Oh, snap. [walks off dejected]
Scene Description: Butters' living room, day. He and Baahir are playing Checkers, and Butters looks like he's winning.
Butters: [makes his move] Whoopee! I captured another one of your pieces, Baahir. [outside, Cartman runs up to the window and crashes through it.]
Cartman: Uuugh! [lies motionless for a few seconds, then gets up]
Butters: Oh hey Eric.
Cartman: [walks up to Baahir and grabs him by the collar] Where is the detonator!
Baahir: The what?
Cartman: You have exactly five seconds before I start dropping serious apple juice farts on your face! One!
Baahir: Leave me alone! [heads for the front door and walks out. Cartman follows him] Upta!
Butters: [watches them leave] Hey, I was about to win!
Scene Description: The sidewalk. Cartman chases Baahir down the street.
Cartman: Stop, terrorist, or I will shoot you! [A black van pulls up next to them and the side door slides open. Three real terrorists jump out and aim their semiautomatics at the two boys]
Terrorist #1: [olive-colored] Get in the van! [Both boys are scared, but Cartman backs away]
Cartman: Uh, that's cool. I'm actually not... playing anymore.
Terrorist #1: [they aim their guns at Cartman] Get in the van!
Scene Description: The clinic.
Aide 3: That's it! We don't have a choice anymore! Somebody is going to have to go in, and try to disarm the snuke manually!
EOD leader: No, it's too dangerous! That snatch has not seen action in over 30 years! It could be toxic!
Brian: [overhearing it] I'll do it! I'll check out Ms. Clinton's snizz.
Scene Description: The terrorists' hideout, 12:40:27 and counting. Vladimir has Cartman and Baahir tied up in chairs
Cartman: Let me go! Please! I am just a little boy!
Vladimir: You called and warned the government of our plans! What you don't know is that we are simply mercenaries! We were paid to set up the snuke so that the real enemy of America could attack!
Cartman: That's cool. I'm fine with Muslims invading.
Vladimir: [aims the semiautomatic at him] Do you really think Muslims are behind this terrorist threat?!
Cartman: Uhh yes, of course?
Vladimir: America had other enemies before the Muslims, you know. Who is America's oldest enemy?
Cartman: The Russians?
Vladimir: Before that.
Cartman: The Germans?
Vladimir: Before that.
Cartman: The Germans again?
Vladimir: Before that! I am talking about the oldest threat to America! The greatest enemy America has ever known!
Cartman: You can't possible mean...?
Scene Description: The ocean blue. A fleet of British ships is sailing towards the United States, but these ships are from another era. The men are dressed in uniforms of the Revolutionary War era - as Red Coats
Captain: Two hundred years we've waited. Finally. We will get those traitors to the Crown! [gets a call and answers it on his cell phone] Yes, Your Majesty?
Queen Elizabeth II: The Russians are ready to set off the diversion. Full sail.
Captain: Full sail, Your Majesty?
Scene Description: 12:43:57 and counting.
Scene Description: 12:47:18 and Hillary is back on stirrups (upper left picture). 12:47:19 and Kyle is back at his computer (upper right picture). 12:47:20 and Cartman is shown struggling in his seat (lower right picture). 12:47:21 and the British fleet is shown (lower left picture).
Scene Description: The clinic. The aide, doctor, and other officials are behind protective glass in a booth. Brian is dressed in a Hazmat suit and gas mask
Aide 3: All right, Brian, this is it. Get in there and see if you can disarm the snuke in Ms. Clinton's snatch.
Brian: [diving in slowly, has radio communication with the booth] All right. I'm nearing her snizz now.
EOD leader: God help him.
Aide 3: What do you see, Brian?
Brian: It's dark... cold...
Aide 3: You're doing fine, Brian. Get as close as you can... Y-you have to look inside the snizz.
Brian: Uh, uh, all right, I'm looking. Yes, I see... I see the device! [begins to cough]
Aide 3: You're doin' great, Brian. Hang in there.
Brian: There's um, metal housing... some kind of three-pronged triggering mechanism that... Wait there's... there's something else here! There's something... [static fills the transmission and the aide tries to restore communication]
Aide 3: Say again, Brian.
Brian: [amid heavy static] There's something perched on the snuke's coil... Oh God, it's looking at me!
EOD leader: [takes control] Brian, get out of there!
Brian: Wha... what are you?! I have no qualm with you! Stay back! Stay back I- agh! Aaagh!
EOD leader: Brian? Brian, what's happening?
Brian: It's... eating my head! It's eating my head! [the camera zooms back to show his body gyrating helplessly, then being spit out by Mrs. Clinton's snizz]
Hillary: Hoh my!
Scene Description: Kyle's bedroom. He's at his computer as agents discuss things behind him.
Kyle: I got it! I got it! According to PayPal, the Russian guys are just hired mercenaries who had ads up on Craig's List and got paid through eBay so that Boston could be attacked by... the British.
Female agent 2: The British?
Agent 4: Loyalist Red Coats!
Chase: Sir, I found the Russian's eHarmony account! It does list an address in South Park!
Kyle: All right! MapQuest the address!
Chase: I'll use Google Maps. It has live traffic.
Kyle: Good thinking
CIA leader 2: Sir, we have the terrorists' location. IM'ing you now.
Scene Description: The terrorists' hideout.
Vladimir: [warmly shakes a terrorist's hand] It was good knowing you, comrade.
Baahir: Please. Think about what you are doing. The British are just using you; you're going to die.
Vladimir: Yes, but we will be rich.
Agent: [outside] Left flank, prig prang and clear! Go go go! [the doors to the hideout fly open and CIA agents pour in, with the CIA Vice Head supervising the riad]
Mr. Thompson: [last to enter, gun drawn] The game is over! Get down on the ground!
Vladimir: How did they find us?
Mr. Thompson: We know about everything! Your diversion to help the Red Coats is over!
Vladimir: It doesn't matter. The detonator is on a timer. You are too late! In three minutes! [the camera quickly moves to the detonator: 12:56:57 and counting. Four seconds later the power is shut off] What the hell?!
Agent: The power went out!
Mr. Thompson: Well so then what time is it? [the power returns and the detonator's timer is reset to a blinking 12:00:00]
Vladimir: Oh crap.
Mr. Thompson: Take 'em down! [the agents fire away. One after one, terrorists go down, dead. Vladimir climbs a wooden ladder to the hideout's roof]
Vladimir: No! I don't want to die without being paid! [an agent shoots him down, he hits the floor and blows up. CIA agents remove the ropes from Cartman and Baahir]
Mr. Thompson: [places a call] The detonator is secured, general. You are cleared to proceed.
Scene Description: The ocean blue. The British fleet continues towards the United State. American jets fly over them and prepare to fire
Captain: The Rebel Americans know of our attack?!
Soldier: How?
Captain: Fire at will! [the soldiers quickly aim and fire. The bullets have no effect, as the jets simply unload their bombs on the ships and sink them.]
Scene Description: The Royal Palace, the Queen's throne room. She's seated at her throne and gets a call. She gets the phone from one of her servants
Queen Elizabeth II: Yes?
Captain: Your Majesty, the attack has failed. We were... unable to end the American Revolution.
Queen Elizabeth II: I see. [sets the phone down, takes a loaded gun to her mouth, and shoots her brains out. She falls forward and hits the ground, dead.]
Scene Description: South Park, at Long Road Shipping, the apparent hideout. Everyone stands in the street.
Mr. Thompson: [walking into view] Well, looks like we saved our country from British rule once again.
Kyle: Yeah. It just proves we need to learn not to profile one race of people. Because, actually, most of the world hates us.
Cartman: Well Baahir, I was thinking that maybe I owe you an apology.
Baahir: Really?
Cartman: Yes, but then I realized that, technically, I don't. Because by being suspicious of you I saved your life and everyone else's. So really, you owe me an apology. But that's cool.
Kyle: ...You didn't save everyone, I did! You were just out harassing Muslims!
Cartman: But if I hadn't called you in the first place to check out the Muslim, you would have just stayed in bed sick all day, right?
Kyle: ...Maybe. [looks away]
Cartman: Maybe? If I hadn't called you, you wouldn't have been on your computer checking out the Clinton rally. That means my intolerance of Muslims saved America.
Kyle: ...That is so missing the point.
Cartman: Me being a bigot stopped a nuclear bomb from going off, yes or no?!
Kyle: The-that's not the right way to look at it, I-
Cartman: Yes or no, Kyle?!
Kyle: No! ...Not... not like you're saying.
Cartman: But that's all I'm saying: today, bigotry and racism saved the day. Baahir, you get this, right? [Baahir's parents approach, looking around at all the activity in front of their house]
Mr. Hakeem: Baahir! Get away from that disgusting child! Get back home and start packing your things! We are leaving this whole intolerant country! [Mr. Hakeem nudges Baahir forward, and the family leaves]
Butters: Awwwww.
Cartman: Okay. Who got rid of the Muslims, huh? [raises his own hand] That was all me. Simple thank you will suffice.


Scene Description: The Marsh house, outside, night.
Randy: [inside] ...In my Easter Bonnet, with all the frills upon it, I'll be the grandest lady in the Easter parade.
Scene Description: The Marsh house, dining room table. The Marshes are decorating Easter eggs. Stan dips a hard-boiled egg into a glass of green dye. Marvin spins his slowly in a small lathe. Randy finishes one up and shows it off.
Randy: Look at that one, huh? Half purple and half yellow with a chikadee sticker. I'm good. [sets it into the egg tray]
Stan: Uh, can I ask a question? Why do we do this?
Randy: Wha... what do you mean, "Why do we do this?" It's Easter!
Stan: Right, so, why do we color eggs? [Shelly makes a cross face]
Randy: Wulll, ssso that the Easter bunny can hide them.
Stan: Yeah, but why?
Randy: Stanley, Easter celebrates the day that Jesus was resurrected after being crucified for our sins.
Stan: So we dip eggs in colored vinegar and a giant rabbit hides them?
Randy: That's right.
Stan: You don't see the missteps in logic with that? [Randy is unfazed, while Shelly, Sharon, and Marvin look at Stan disapprovingly] Look, I'm just saying that somewhere between Jesus dying on the Cross and a giant bunny hiding eggs there seems to be a, a gap of information.
Randy: Stanley, just dye your Goddamned eggs!
Stan: [leaves his seat] I don't feel like coloring eggs! I don't get it!
Randy: What is wrong with him?!
Sharon: Well, he's just getting older, Randy. Maybe he's figured out the Easter bunny isn't real. [continues dying her egg. Randy slams his palms down on the table angrily. Sharon is taken aback.]
Randy: [rising] You know so little! [leaves]
Scene Description: South Park Mall, day. The Easter bunny has a big Easter display at the mall where he sits in a chair taking requests for Easter gifts. A line of kids is waiting. In that line are Stan, Clyde, Red, Kevin, Craig, Heidi, Millie, Bill, Token, Jimmy, and a few little brothers and sisters
Cartman: And I want a Baltor soldier doll for Easter, and five Crash'n'Go RC cars, you got that?! Do you have that?!
Mall Bunny: Ahh, don't you think that's-
Cartman: Nono! You don't ask me questions! You are a rabbit! I am a human. So if you don't bring me what I want for Easter, I can fucking kill you!
Aide: Smile! [takes a picture and Cartman hops off]
Cartman: Bye, Easter bunny! [leaves]
Mall Bunny: [watches him leave] Oh my God. [Stan walks up and sits on the bunny's lap. The bunny notices]
Stan: All right, can you explain to me what's going on?
Mall Bunny: Huh?
Stan: What is the deal with the coloring the eggs and you hiding them and all that? What does that have to do with Jesus dying on the Cross? [no reply] It is symbolic? Are you trying to reference something that happened in Biblical times? [nudges him] Answer me!
Mall Bunny: Look, kid ahh, I'm j-, I'm just a guy in a costume.
Stan: I know that! But I figure you must have some knowledge of what Easter's about if you're playing the Easter Bunny at the mall!
Mall Bunny: Huhuh, Easter's just Easter. Just, just go with it, kid.
Stan: No, I'm not gonna just go with it! I'm gonna find out what's behind all this! [hops off and walks away]
Mall Bunny: I need a break. Can I have a break? [he gets it and walks up to some payphones nearby. He picks one up and dials a number] We have a problem. Somebody's onto us. Yeah, he's askin' a lot of questions. Only a matter of time before he finds out what Easter's really about. Yes, I understand what must be done. Call the others. [hangs up the phone]
Scene Description: Stan's neighborhood, day. Stan is walking home with determination. He walks by a bus stop where someone is reading a newspaper. The newspaper drops down a bit and the reader is another Easter bunny. Stan stops and looks over his shoulder and the newspaper rises to its former position again. Stan walks on, and the bunny rises a few seconds later to follow him. Stan notices and begins to run. A few seconds later he notices three more Easter bunnies facing him. With bunnies behind him and in front, he runs across the street to escape, but a car stops just before hitting him and two more bunnies step out of the car. He gets to the other side and continues running in the same direction as before, with the six bunnies chasing him. He makes it home and closes the front door behind him. The bunnies reach the door and start pounding on it
Scene Description: The Marsh house, inside. Stan runs upstairs.
Stan: Mom? Dad? [reaches the second floor] Anybody home?
Randy: [voice only] Not now, Stanley, I'm on the toilet! [Stan runs to the restroom door and pounds on it]
Stan: Dad! You've gotta help me! [looks around]
Randy: Hang on, I'm taking a crap.
Stan: Dad! There's Easter bunnies chasing me!
Randy: What?
Stan: They chased me from the mall! I don't know what they want! [hears the front door breaking open] They're coming in! Dad, open the door! [the bathroom door opens and Randy looks out, wearing some bunny ears and a bunny snout with buck teeth.] Dad?
Randy: We... need to talk, Stan. [the Easter bunnies run up the stairs] Ih, it's okay guys.
Gray Hare: Randy?
Randy: Yeah. 'Cause it turns out the kid we're after is my son.
Purple Hare: Ohhh.
Randy: Tell the Grand Hare everything is okay. I'll take it from here.
Scene Description: Stan's room. Randy explains things.
Randy: I wanted to keep this from you, Stan. I really wanted to wait until you were older but... you just had to keep asking questions!
Stan: Why were those other rabbit guys chasing me?!
Randy: We have to be careful when we think somebody's onto us. [turns to face him] We are all part of a secret society, Stan. A very ancient, very important society of men who follow the way of the Rabbit, and protect the secret of the Easter bunny. We are called... the Hare Club For Men.
Stan: [not impressed, but curious] Does Mom know about this?
Randy: Duh, it's the Hare Club For Men. Chicks wouldn't understand.
Stan: I don't understand!
Randy: I belong to a secret society that has been around for thousands of years! Our identities have to be protected!
Stan: Could, could you, take off, the ears, please?
Randy: Stan, you don't seem to understand how serious this is! The secret of Easter that we protect is something that could rock the foundation of the entire world!
Stan: So what is the secret of Easter?
Randy: I can't tell you. You have to be allowed into the Society first, but... but perhaps... it's time.
Scene Description: Randy's car, night. He and Stan drive along a secluded road. Stan has a bag over his head so he doesn't see where they're going.
Randy: I always knew this day would come, when my son would be brought into the society. Reminds me of the day I was brought in by my father.
Stan: Grandpa's in it too?
Randy: Of course. Marshes have been in the Hare Club For Men for generations. All the way back to the beginning.
Stan: Dad, do I have to wear this bag over my head the entire time?
Randy: You aren't a member yet. You can't know where our secret meetings take place. We're going to a distant location, an old building near a lake about 40 minutes away.
Stan: You mean the old Galveston Lodge? [Randy's taken aback at Stan's memory and so thinks about what to do next. After a while, he decides to remove the bag]
Randy: Dammit.
Scene Description: Galveston Lodge, night. Hares from all around gather inside. T.H.C.F.M. The lodge is guarded by two large golden hares
Hare 1: Hey Bill.
Hare 2: Evenin' Marcus.
Hare 3: Heh heh hey, look at you!
Hare 4: Hey everybody.
Scene Description: Galveston Lodge, inside. Hares mingle and chat
Hare 5: Stan Marsh, welcome! You must be very excited.
Stan: Must I?
Marvin: There he is! There's my grandson!
Stan: Hi Grandpa.
Marvin: I'm proud of ya, Billy.
Stan: ...Stan.
Scene Description: Galveston Lodge, induction ceremony. Randy places a strip of white fur on Stan's shoulders. The purple Hare dips an egg in a glass lavender dye and rings the bell. The gray Hare steps up, dips his egg in yellow dye and rings the bell. This continues. Later on, a gavel is sounded and the Hares turn left with lit candles.
Pink Hare: Tonight, we determine if a new member is worthy of protecting the Secret. Bring out... the rabbit.
Hares: Sanctum Piter oteum, Deus ore uneum. Hippitus hoppitus reus homine. In suspiratoreum, lepus in re sanctum. [two Hares carry a white rabbit forward in a gilded cage] Hippitus hoppitus reus Domine. [they set the rabbit before the Pink Hare and everyone genuflects... except for Stan. Randy looks up and has him genuflect as well]
Pink Hare: All hail the cute rabbit, Snowball!
Hares: Hail Snowball. [all rise as the Pink Hare approaches Stan]
Pink Hare: Stan Marsh, are you ready to hear the secret of Easter?
Stan: Yeah.
Randy: Are you sure, son? Once you hear the secret, you will be bound to The Hare Club For Men forever.
Stan: Yeah, I wanna know already.
Pink Hare: Very well. At the Last Supper, Jesus Christ met with his 12 Disciples. It was there that- [interrupted by breaking windows and ninjas pouring in]
Gray Hare: They found us! [the other Hares arm themselves]
White Hare: [with rainbow vest] Protect Snowball! [a door is turned down, and a ninja, a monk, and a layman enter the lodge. Another door breaks down and another monk enters with three ninjas]
Brown Hare: They're everywhere! [Hares and ninja battle each other, killing each other as Stan watches]
Randy: [approaches Stan with Snowball] Come on, we've gotta go! [a ninja spots him and quickly fires an arrow into his left leg. He stumbles] Stan, take Snowball and get out of here!
Stan: Where am I supposed to go?
Randy: Just get out of here! [Stan turns around and heads for the entrance. A ninja comes up behind him, but Randy grabs the ninjas leg and holds on, forcing the ninja to fall. The ninja tries to kick Randy off]
Layman: Where is the rabbit?!
Scene Description: Galveston Lodge, outside. Stan runs into a small woods nearby, but he hears car doors, so he goes back to see what's going on. The ninjas and laymen are rounding up the wounded Hares.
Hare 6: Where are you taking us?
Hare 7: No! I'm not goin' anywhere! [the layman walks up and shoot him in the head, and he falls.]
Stan: Jesus Christ! [a monk has Randy restrained]
Layman: Who did you give the rabbit to?! [slaps Randy, Randy spits back. The layman punches Randy in the stomach and has him rounded up with the others] Search the area! The boy could not have gotten far!
Stan: Oh no... [looks around, then runs off]
Scene Description: Kyle's house, night. Kyle is at the dining room table doing fingerpaints of Stars of David for Passover. The doorbell rings and he goes to answer it. Stan is at the entrance gasping for air and carrying Snowball. He's a bit unkempt.
Stan: Help.
Kyle: What happened?
Stan: My Dad's in a rabbit-worshiping cult called the Hare Club For Men they protect the secret of Easter but before they said what it was they were attacked by ninjas and put me in charge of Snowball.
Kyle: ...I'm kind of finger painting right now.
Stan: [enters anyway] Dude, they took my Dad away. They even shot one of his fellow hares. And now they're after me! [turns around and fires off a few questions] Do you know anything about Easter? What is the connection between Jesus and rabbits and colored eggs?
Kyle: Dude, I'm Jewish. I have no idea.
Scene Description: A dark place. Randy is laying on the floor, the arrow removed from his leg. He stirs, coughs, and sits up. He's in an old large jail cell with the surviving Hares
Randy: Nelson. [crawls towards him] Nelson? Nelson, say something.
Nelson: [reclining against a cage wall] My legs. I... I think they're broken.
Randy: Nelson, do you know where we are? Where did they take us?
Nelson: Don't know... we traveled for hours... kept blacking out... [coughs. Randy lets go and crawls back, but sees someone standing before him]
Randy: You...
Scene Description: A mansion, night. Stan and Kyle arrive and knock on its front door. A butler answers the door
Kyle: Hi, we'd like to speak to a [reads the name from a slip of paper] Professor Teabag? [Stan is still carrying Snowball]
Butler: What is it in regard to? [the professor appears at the far end with a walking stick]
Kyle: The history of Easter.
Teabag: [walks slowly towards the boys] Sorry boys, it's a little late for me to be giving lectures. [turns around and walks away]
Stan: Please? Do you know anything about the Hare Club For Men? [the professor stops and turns around]
Teabag: The Keepers? [walks towards them] The Guardians of the Secret?
Stan: [the butler steps aside] My Dad is in it. This... rabbit is too somehow.
Teabag: Come on in. [smiles]
Scene Description: Teabag's study. He leads the boys in and begins
Teabag: The Hare Club For Men has been around for centuries. One of its most famous members was Leonardo da Vinci. [on a large widescreen TV is a picture of The Last Supper] Behold the Last Supper. The dinner Christ had with his disciples the night before he was crucified. What food do you see on the table?
Stan: Just bread...
Teabag: Really? Look to Jesus's right. [zooms in and pans to the lower left, then zooms in on an oval shape] The food which is a little different color than the others.
Kyle: It kind of looks like... an egg.
Teabag: Yes. The egg marks the secret. It lies directly in front of... [zooms out and a bright trace appears around the disciple behind the egg] Saint Peter.
Kyle: Who is Saint Peter?
Stan: He was the disciple that Jesus made into the first pope.
Teabag: Eggsactly. But there's something the Church didn't tell you. In actuality, Peter wasn't a man at all. Saint Peter... was a rabbit. [the boys say nothing for a few seconds]
Kyle: [flatly] Peter Rabbit.
Teabag: Of course, the Church wouldn't allow da Vinci to paint Peter as a rabbit, so he painted him as a man, but left clues. Look closely.
Kyle: I don't see it.
Teabag: Look closelier. [zooms in]
Stan: He looks like a guy.
Teabag: Look more closelier. [zooms in further, and a pair of rabbit ears appear on Peter's head] With laser technology we can look beneath the paint, the way da Vinci originally painted it. [Peter disappears from the picture and a white rabbit appears next to the egg which was in front of Peter] That... is Saint Peter. [Stan jumps a bit] The original Pope of Christianity.
Kyle: I don't believe it.
Teabag: Proof is everywhere. Look at the Pope's hat. [a picture of Benedict XVI appears] It makes no sense, except that it was originally designed... [a picture of a rabbit slides in next to that of the pope, and Teabag moves the hat from the pope to the rabbit] for a rabbit.
Stan: [looks at the professor] But why would Jesus want a rabbit to run his church?
Teabag: Because Jesus knew no one man could speak for everyone in a religion. Men can be intolerant; rabbits are pure. But the Catholic Church buried the truth, put a man in charge, and the Hare Club For Men has been decorating eggs ever since to keep the secret in da Vinci's painting alive.
Kyle: So... the Vatican took Stan's dad?
Scene Description: The Vatican, night. Thunder and lightning roll through the sky. At St. Peter's Basilica, the Pope approaches one of the doors with a monk behind him. The Hare Club for Men is waiting to meet him
Pope Benedict: You dare to mock God by telling people St. Peter was a rabbit?
Randy: You monster! You have no right to wear that hat!
Pope Benedict: Trying to tell people that St. Peter was a rabbit is blasphemy! You must admit you are wrong or burn in hell!
Randy: It's saying stupid things like that that made Jesus wanna put a rabbit in charge.
Layman: I'm sorry I couldn't bring you the rabbit, Your Holiness, but they know where it is!
Pope Benedict: The rabbit you call Snowball is a threat to Christ's Church. Where is the rabbit?!
Randy: I don't know! And even if I did know... well, I'd probably tell you because I don't wanna be here anymore.
Layman: Take him to be tortured!
Pope Benedict: Tortured, huh, but Bill, all this... torturing and ninjas, it just doesn't seem very Christian.
Bill: [the layman] You asked for the help of the American Catholic League, let us do our job! Take him! [a cardinal and a ninja open the door, take Randy in, and escort him to his torture.]
Randy: No! No, you bunny-hating bastards! Don't do this!
Scene Description: Teabag's mansion. Stan and Kyle are still looking at the Last Supper. Stan turns around.
Stan: I don't get it. Why would the pope be holding my Dad hostage for Snowball?
Teabag: I believe Snowball must be a direct descendant of St. Peter himself, and therefor the true heir of the pope's throne. [the butler is shown polishing a steel vase as some ninjas make their way towards the study]
Butler: [notices some ninjas behind him] Mr. Teabag! Get out! [one of the ninjas runs his sword through the butler's head and out his face, killing him]
Stan: They found me!
Teabag: Boys, get out of here! [takes them to a window and opens it] Head to the woods! I'll try to buy you some time. [Stan and Kyle climb down the ladder he's prepared for them]
Bill: [off screen] Check upstairs! [the professor picks up a box of... PEEPS] Upstairs clear! Try the office! [Teabag takes the peeps to a microwave oven nearby and opens the oven's door. He puts the peeps in and sets the timer to 15 seconds. Behind him, two ninjas break into the study]
Ninja 1: In here! [Teabag closes his eyes]
Ninja 2: What's that? [the peeps begin to expand quickly and fill up the oven. Four seconds left, three, two, one...]
Ninja 1: PEEEEPS! [the oven explodes, spewing peeps everywhere and killing Teabag. Stan and Kyle are running away when they turn to see the whole mansion being destroyed by peep marshmallow]
Kyle: So what now?
Stan: If the pope has my Dad... I have to give him what he wants.
Kyle: You aren't just gonna hand Snowball over?
Stan: What choice do I have?! There's nobody left who can help us! [softly] Wait... unless... maybe there is. [hands Snowball to Kyle] Here, hold this. [walks some distance away from Kyle and prays] Jesus, I know we haven't talked in a long time, and I know that every time you appear we end up killing you somehow, but... I don't know what to do. And I could really use your help. [waits for a long time, then peeks with his right eye, then with both, but there's no sign of Jesus. He opens his eyes wide, as normal, and looks up. Kyle looks down at Snowball]
Kyle: I think the rabbit just crapped on my jacket.
Scene Description: A news special comes on: World News, Easter Vigil coverage.
Announcer: Live, from the Vatican, it's our Easter Vigil coverage.
Reporter: As Holy Saturday comes to an end, the Easter vigil at the Vatican begins. Thousand have turned out to hear the Pope and celebrate the Resurrection. [visitors whip out their cameras and take pictures] For this Easter vigil the Pope is also showing his divine grace by feeding the poor, with a massive rabbit stew. [two chefs stand atop ladders next to a huge cauldron, slicing up ingredients. Bill and a ninja bring in a bunny to toss into the cauldron]
Violet Hare: NOOO! Noo! No, don't put m- [he's thrown in and is boiled to death] AAAAAAAAAAH!
Pope Benedict: Bill, this seems extreme.
Bill: The child who has the rabbit has to know that we are willing to kill the hostages if he doesn't hand it over.
Italian Cardinal: Your Holiness, a child has arrived with a the rabbit!
Bill: Ya see? [the three leave to meet this boy]
Scene Description: St. Peter's Basilica. Stan and Kyle walk towards the alter with Snowball. Randy greets them as he's headed towards his torture
Randy: Oh thank God! Hand it over, Stan! They're gonna kill me! Give them the rabbit!
Pope Benedict: Yes, hand it over!
Stan: First, you have to promise you won't hurt it! And that you'll let everybody go!
Pope Benedict: We promise.
Bill: We swear it, on the cross.
Randy: Just hand over the bunny, Stan!
Stan: Okay, fine. [a cardinal takes Snowball from Stan, and Randy is released]
Randy: [reaching his son] Stanley, why did you do that? I would have proudly died for that rabbit.
Stan: You said "hand over the bunny."
Randy: No! That is not the way we're remembering it!
Bill: Take them into custody! [ninjas come in and put cuffs on Randy and the boys]
Stan: Hey, what the hell!
Pope Benedict: Bill, we have zeh rabbit, it's all we need.
Bill: Don't be soft, Your Holiness! These "whores" must be punished in front of everyone!
Kyle: You swore on the cross, fatso!
Bill: Yeah. Too bad for you... it was a double cross! [cackles]
Randy: Oh, we should've seen that coming!
Pope Benedict: Bill, I'm not sure that double-crossing people is very Christian.
Bill: It is what Christ would've wanted!
Jesus: [off-screen] Who are you to say that?! [the clerics look surprised. Jesus approaches them from the entrance of the basilica]
Pope Benedict: It... can't be.
Stan, Kyle: Jesus! [as Jesus walks, clergymen genuflect and bow to him]
Singer: He is risen. He is risen. Let the voices sing his praises on this holy day. He is risen!
Cardinal: Jesus, we thought you died. In Iraq.
Jesus: I have the power of resurrection. Or have you forgotten? You all seem to have forgotten a lot of things.
Stan: Jesus, you did answer my prayer! [grins]
Jesus: Actually, I was answering the prayer of Nick Donovan.
Purple Hare 2: Ohh, that's me Neato!
Jesus: This is exactly why I put a rabbit in charge of the Church, Benedictus! Because men are so easily led astray. St. Peter was a rabbit. And a rabbit should be Pope.
Bill: Kill him!
Pope Benedict: What?!
Bill: He goes against the Church. He must die!
Pope Benedict: All right, that does it, Bill. I'm pretty sure that killing Jesus is not very Christian.
Bill: You are soft! Weak! You leave me no choice: take them! [two ninjas apprehend Jesus]
Jesus: What are you doing?! [two others arrest Benedict]
Pope Benedict: I am the Pope!
Bill: You are no longer able to fulfill your duties to the Lord! [removes the papal tiara and places it on his own head] The Easter vigil will go on as planned! [walks to a clear spot with Snowball, so all could see.] Every Hare Club member, young and old, will watch as their precious savior dies!
Jesus: What is your problem, guy?!
Bill: Lock up those two Jews! [referring to Kyle and Jesus] We'll deal with them later.
Stan: No! No! [Stan and Randy are taken away in one direction, Kyle and Jesus in another, Benedict in still another]
Scene Description: Easter Vigil coverage continues.
Reporter: A strange turn of events here at the Vatican: Pope Benedictus has stepped down, ushering the new era of... Pope Bill Donohue
Scene Description: The platform outside St. Peter's, moments later. Bill presides over the rabbit stew.
Bill: My people! This Easter I'm gonna start by making our rabbit stew ten times meatier! [the crowds cheer loudly]
Randy: No! Listen! We aren't rabbits! [a ninja punches him in the stomach] Oof.
Scene Description: A dungeon cell. Jesus and Kyle are in it. Jesus has a file in his right hand and is furiously sawing away at a chain by the cell's entrance. Across the hall from him is Benedict XVI in his own cell.
Pope Benedict: Forgive me, Jesus.
Jesus: We'll never get out in time to stop him!
Kyle: Don't you have any superpowers?
Jesus: [throws the file away] Not as a mortal. Only in death. Wait. That's it. We have no choice, Kyle. You're going to have to kill me.
Kyle: What?
Jesus: Stab me with this. [brings out a small dagger] If I die I can resurrect outside the bars.
Kyle: N-no way! Do it yourself.
Jesus: Suicide is blasphemy. There's no choice here, Kyle!
Kyle: Dude, you don't understand, I'm a Jew. I have a few hang ups about killing Jesus.
Jesus: Just make it quick. [kneels down and hands the dagger to Kyle] Through the neck. I'll arise again immediately.
Kyle: [looks at the dagger in dismay] Don't make me do this.
Jesus: My son, there is no time! Do it!
Kyle: Eric Cartman can never know about this.
Jesus: I understand. And Kyle, happy Easter.
Kyle: Happy Easter, Jesus. [stabs Jesus in the neck, as ordered]
Jesus: Awgh! [walks around for a few seconds, groaning and shedding blood here and there. He falls forward and his halo rolls away with a metallic "clink"]
Kyle: ...Jesus?
Scene Description: Back at the platform, Bill continues his speech.
Bill: Behold, no longer will Easter be about bunnies and colored eggs! Kill the rabbit! [a cardinal holds Snowball over the cauldron]
Cardinal: Sorry, little bunny.
Stan: Snowball! [now dressed in rabbits ears and snout like Randy. A bright light appears near one of the obelisks in the center of the piazza, and Jesus' figure appears in the light. The light fades and Jesus is all alone. The crowd oohs and aahs]
Tourist: Jesus?
Jesus: Stop! That rabbit is of holy descent!
Bill: Why won't you go away?!
Jesus: One man cannot be the voice of the Church!
Bill: Enough of this blasphemy! I'm the Pope now! That means I am the voice of God!
Jesus: Not anymore. I'm removing you from your position. [brings out a black and yellow glaive, then presses a button in the middle to release the blades, as in a switchblade. He throws it towards Bill, who runs from it. It levels off and slices through Bill's midsection and returns to Jesus. Jesus strikes a pose and catches it with his right hand. The blades disappear into their sheaths. Jesus brings out some sunglasses with his left hand and puts them on, still maintaining the dramatic pose.]
Crowd: YAAAY!
Stan: All right Jesus!
Scene Description: St. Peter's Basilica, day. The sun is bright and the sky is blue, the basilica is decked out with streamers and Easter wreaths. White smoke rises above and behind the basilica, indicating a new pope
Crowd: Sanctum Piter oteum, Deus ore uneum. Hippitus hoppitus reus homine.
Cardinal: Your Holiness, what should we tell the world about how to run their lives? [Snowball now sits on the papal throne. Snowball, having no human vocal cords, says nothing] It isn't saying anything.
Italian Cardinal: Yes, just as a-Jesus intended it.
Randy: Stanley, I'm so proud of you. You've learned so very much this Easter.
Stan: Yeah. I've learned not to ask questions. Just dye the eggs and keep my mouth shut.
Randy: That's my boy.
Crowd: [in the background] In suspiratoreum, lepus in re sanctum. Hippitus hoppitus Deus Domine.


Scene Description: South Park Elementary, Friday during the day, Mrs. Garrison's class. The kids enter the classroom
Mrs. Garrison: [enters and drops her books on her desk in anger] Everyone, sit down and shut the fuck up! God damn it! [some papers flutter off the top of the stack. She turns and erases some addition problems she had up on the blackboard earlier] Stupid ass man! They're all the same! [Stan crosses his arms and buries his head in them. He's the only student to do so]
Kyle: Oh God, here we go again.
Mrs. Garrison: All men care about is sex! I spent two hours getting ready for that stupid date! And when the bastard checks out my body, he just says, "Hey, did you used to be a guy or somethin'?" I'm a woman now, so what's it matter?!
Stan: Uh oh, this isn't good.
Mrs. Garrison: [gets into Stan's face] Did I say something to you, sugartits?!
Stan: [frightened] No ma'am.
Mrs. Garrison: [heads back to the blackboard] You boys make me sick! You're well on your way to being men, who only think with their penises! I am assigning all of you weekend homework! You are going to read Hemmingway's book, "The Old Man and the Sea"!
Cartman: Have you lost your mind?
Stan: Dude, we can't read an entire book in one weekend.
Mrs. Garrison: Oh, that's too bad, dude. Maybe if you boys could keep your penises in your pants once in a while you'd get more done!
Butters: But Teacher, my penis never slips out of my pants. Eh-except sometimes when I'm wearin' pajamas.
Mrs. Garrison: If you do not have an essay written on Monday, then you will fail! Is that clear?!
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, after school, outside. The students exit and head home.
Stan: Dude, how are we supposed to read an entire book over the weekend and write an essay?
Kyle: Our whole weekend is shot.
Kenny: (What the hell are we going to do?!)
Cartman: You guys, you guys, relax. We don't have to read the book or write the essay.
Stan: We don't?
Cartman: No. There's people you can hire to do these kinds of things.
Scene Description: Moovit Truck Rental, in the industrial section of South Park, Friday afternoon. A group of Mexican day laborers stand around waiting for work. Cartman and friends approach them. And Cartman whistles
Cartman: ¿Que paso? ¿Que paso? Looking for work? ¿Sí? ¿Trabajo?
Laborer 1: [wearing baseball cap with flag] Yeis.
Laborer 2: [wearing cap backwards] We looking work, sí.
Cartman: [holds his arms out in open embrace] Okay, listen up, Mexicans. We need you to read [whips out the book from his back pocket] "The Old Man and the Sea" for us. Comprende? "E Old Mand Y La Mer".
Laborer 2: Okay.
Laborer 1: Sure.
Laborer 3: [wearing NY baseball cap] Okay.
Laborer 4: [wearing gray baseball cap] Yeah.
Cartman: Here. We need you to work together, read the book and write four essays, comprende? La samaraisia.
Laborer 2: Okay no problem. That's no problem.
Laborer 1: Yeah, we can do that.
Laborer 5: Sí, la samaraisia.
Cartman: Okay, gracias.
Stan and Kyle: Gracias.
Stan: Dude, that is awesome. I had no idea you could do that.
Cartman: Oh yeah, dude. Havin' Mexicans around totally kicks fuckin' ass.
Scene Description: Curves, a fitness and weight loss center, day. Mrs. Garrison is running hard on a treadmill, taking out her frustrations.
Mrs. Garrison: They can all rot in hell! Who needs men anyway?! They're God damned arrogant self-centered assholes is what they are! [a woman walks up and gets on the treadmill to her right]
Woman: Are you okay, hon?
Mrs. Garrison: I just hate men is all. It's like all they care about is how hot you look!
Woman: Yeah, I've never been into men. That's why I work out here. Since it's women only we don't get oogled at or feel self-conscious.
Mrs. Garrison: Tell me about it! I can't even stretch at a normal gym without some guy trying to stare down my vage.
Woman: I'm Allyson.
Mrs. Garrison: Oh, I'm Janet. Janet Garrison. Sorry I'm so pissed off.
Allyson: No, I like it. You seem like a very strong woman.
Janet: Yeah, I've been told that.
Allyson: How come I've never seen you down at the girl bar?
Janet: Girl bar? I never even knew there was such a place.
Allyson: Oh you'd love it. It's the only bar in town where women like us can hang out and be ourselves. It's called "Lebow".
Scene Description: Les Bos, night, 13280. "Lebow" is the French pronunciation of Les Bos. Allyson and Janet approach the front door. Allyson leads Janet in.
Allyson: Hi Linda, hi Kate.
Woman 2: Hey Allyson.
Woman 3: Who's the new girl?
Woman 2: Allyson always goes for the butch ones.
Allyson: [approaches the bar with Janet] Hey Nell. What's up, Tracy?
Janet: Oowhat a great place. All the girls here seem to know each other.
Allyson: Yeah. Well, most of the girls here have done each other. [gets a glass and a beer and pours the beer into the glass.]
Janet: He-yeah. Done what?
Allyson: You know. [smiles] Had sex. [passes the beer to Janet and orders a second beer for herself.]
Janet: [looks around] Oh my God, this is a lesbian bar?
Allyson: Yeah. I... thought you understood that.
Janet: Oh jeez. [fans herself]
Allyson: I'm sorry. I thought you knew what "girl bar" meant.
Janet: But I'm not a- ...whoa! Who-o-o-o-oa. [moves away]
Scene Description: Les Bos, bathroom. Janet is washing her face.
Allyson: Janet, I'm really sorry. It's just that at the gym you said you didn't like being with men, so I thought you were a-
Janet: I don't like being with men! They're perverted selfish pigs!
Allyson: Have you... never even... thought... of being... with another woman?
Janet: Oho goodness no! Of course I haven't. I mean... really I don't even understand how two women can make love. I mean un, unless they just kinda [demonstrates with her fingers] scissor or something.
Allyson: There are a lot of ways to make love, Janet.
Janet: I guess I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little ...titillated.
Allyson: Could I... maybe kiss you? [gets close, but Janet turns and walks away]
Janet: Oh, this is wrong! You're another woman; it doesn't make sense!
Allyson: Is it wrong, Janet? Let your inhibitions go. Let's just have fun tonight. [they hold hands] No commitments. [Allyson lets go] Just fun. [she grabs her hand and they close in for the kiss]
Scene Description: Janet's bedroom, later. Janet and Allyson are going at it in bed.
Janet: Oh yeah, scissor! Yeah, scissor me Allyson!
Allyson: Janet, you're crazy!
Janet: Oh, this is hot scissoring! Ohh! Scissor me timbers!
Scene Description: South Park, Monday, just before dawn. The boys walk over to Moovit Trucking to meet up with the laborers and get their finished essays.
Kyle: They'd better be done with the book reports! School starts in 15 minutes!
Cartman: They'll be done. [whistles to get the laborers' attention.] ¿Que paso? ¿Que paso? [the laborers approach] All right, did you read the book?
Laborers: Sí, sí.
Kyle: What was it about? Ih-in case our teacher asks us.
Laborer 1: Eet starts there the old man, and his job is to catch the feesh, so he get in the boht, to try and catch feesh.
Laborer 2: Saw he catch the feesh, but the feesh is very strong, so the old man, cannot reel in the feesh.
Laborer 5: So then he fight the feesh. Some more. And he finally catch the feesh.
Kyle: He catches the feesh so, then he can make money.
Laborer 1: No, because on the way home, the sharks come and eat the feesh. And so, he no make money. [all five laborers take off their hats and put them against their chests in mourning]
Stan: That's it, that's the whole story?
Laborer 1: Sí.
Cartman: All right, did you write the four essays?
Laborer 1: Sí, we all wrote essays for you. [the laborers put their caps back on]
The Boys: [all thumbs up] All right!
Cartman: Okay, let's have 'em.
Laborer 4: Have what?
Kyle: You said you all wrote essays.
Laborer 1: Well, my ese lives in Miami. I wrote to him like you said, but I don't think he got the letter yet.
Laborer 2: I wrote my ese in Albuquerque.
Laborer 5: I wrote three eses: my ese back home, my ese in Denver, and my ese in Glenwood even wrote me back. "Thanks for writing me, ese." [the boys are stunned]
Kenny: (Uh oh...)
Kyle: Dude, we're totally fucked now!
Cartman: Why the hell would we pay you to write your friends?!
Laborer 1: We thought it was kind of strange.
Kyle: This is your fault, Cartman! Now we're gonna fail!
Stan: You guys, school starts in ten minutes!
Kyle: Son of a bitch! [the boys turn and head for school]
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, Monday morning, Mrs. Garrison's class. The kids enter the classroom
Stan: [sees Clyde] Clyde? Clyde! Heyhey Clyde! [Clyde turns around] You didn't finish your essay either, right?
Clyde: No, I got it done. [turns and walks to his desk. Jimmy walks up beside the boys]
Kyle: Jimmy, did you finish your book report?
Jimmy: Yeah. I feel pretty good about it. I finished my whole book report and, I got a really nice letter from my ese who works down at the U-Haul. [walks off, leaving the boys dumbfounded]
Cartman: Crap! [the boys head for their seats]
Kyle: We're dead.
Mrs. Garrison: [dances into the room and sings] Hello, class. Here's my little desk [strokes it gently], my nice lil chalkboard. [hugs it. The boys are surprised at her behavior]
Cartman: Mrs. Garrison, about our book reports.
Mrs. Garrison: [acting bashful] Oho, that's okay Eric. If you need a little more time with your homework, just say so.
Kyle: [looks at Cartman, then at Stan. Stan looks back at both of them] Really?
Mrs. Garrison: Kids, I need to tell you something that you might find shocking. [sighs] I'm gay. [silence follows]
Stan: Again?
Mrs. Garrison: [sits on the edge of her desk, right leg over left] It was a shock to me too. I... met another woman and... we went to this fabulous bar called "Les Bos" where I finally felt at home. Allyson and I talked, and really opened up to each other and... then we... [demonstrates] scissored all night long.
Butters: You have to be careful with scissors.
Mrs. Garrison: But listen, I am not going to just rush into a relationship with Allyson. I'm a late-in-life lesbian. So I need to play the field for a while, right? [closes her eyes] Oh I'm so happy.
Cartman: That's great! Let's hear it for Teacher being a lesbian!
Class: Yay!
Mrs. Garrison: [blushing and hides behind her hands] Teeheeheehee.
Scene Description: Les Bos, night. Janet goes to the bar alone.
Janet: [now confident] Hey Tracy, hey Kate.
Tracy: Hi Janet.
Janet: Lookin' hot, Linda. Wanna go somewhere and scissor later on? [moves away]
Linda: [Woman 2] Huh?
Janet: Hey Patty.
Patty: What's up, Janet.
Janet: [lights a cigarette] Ooo, stop giving me that look. Scissoring me with your eyes.
Big Woman: Hey Janet, why don't you pick up on your own girl? [Janet flicks the cigarette away and leaves her seat, comes up behind the big woman and pulls her down on her stool to the ground and starts punching her.]
Janet: Oh yeah, dyke fight! [they roll around on the floor and the big woman gets away. The other women gather to watch. the big woman lands a kick to Janet's groin] You kicked me right in the pussy! [the fight resumes and they tumble into a booth, fighting all the way to the floor again. The big woman fights Janet off, but Janet gets turned on and starts having sex...] Uh? Oh! Oh, we're scissoring. Oh yeah, scissor! [the big woman, distracted for a moment, goes back to attacking Janet.]
Lesbian 4: You guys. You guys, stop it. Listen to me, everybody. I got some bad news.
Lesbian 5: What is it, Katie?
Katie: They're closing down the bar. For good!
Linda: Closing it down? They can't do that.
Lesbian 6: [blonde] This is our home.
Janet: Yeah, this is our home.
Katie: Well it's true, I just talked to the owners. They've sold the bar to Persians.
Janet: Persians?!
Tracy: So where are we supposed to go?
Janet: We aren't going anywhere! We have a history here! Persians are closing this bar over my dead lesbian body!
Scene Description: City Hall, the Mayor's Office, day. Janet and the other lesbians are in the office.
Janet: Mayor, this is an outrage! We are being discriminated against as lesbians!
Mayor McDaniels: You're a lesbian now?
Janet: That's right. A proud lesbian! And our home is being taken away!
Mayor McDaniels: The bar has been sold to Persian club owners. I don't know what you want me to do about it.
Janet: Forbid the transaction! This is happening all over the country, Mayor. Lesbian bars being bought out, shut down, it isn't right!
Lesbians: Yeah, that's right!
Mayor McDaniels: I'm sorry, but my hands are tied. The new owners plan to start redecorating the bar tomorrow. You have to be out by then.
Janet: [approaches the desk] Have you seen how Persians decorate? They will cover that bar in cheesy blue carpeting, white statues and gold curtain rods to the point that you will want to puke!
Mayor McDaniels: Mrs. Garrison, get out of here.
Scene Description: Les Bos, later. The lesbians gather there for one last time.
Tracy: Well, here's to some great times at this place.
Lesbian 7: Yeah. Guess we'll just have to find somewhere else to hang out.
Janet: Now, come on gals! I can't believe what I'm hearing! We can't just give up!
Allyson: Well, what are we supposed to do, Janet?
Janet: We stand and fight! When the Persians come we tell them "We aren't leaving Les Bos."
Katie: Actually, it's "Lebow".
Janet: [faces Katie with a ready fist to be pumped] No, it's Les Bos! [addressing all the lesbians] We... are Lesbos! And as Lesbos, we cannot just stand and watch as one girl bar after another gets shut dowwwwwn!
Linda: [coming into view] The Persians have sent somebody to talk to us.
Emir: Hello, my name is Emir Hadi. My boss sent me over here because he heard that you were upset about us trying to take over the bar.
Lesbian 6: Yes, we are.
Emir: Well, we want to assure you that when this place becomes another Club Persh, you will all still be 100% welcome. All they want is to make the place really nice. We're going to put down some lovely blue carpet, and gold curtain rods.
Janet: I knew it! I knew it!
Emir: But you are still welcome to come. My boss wants you to know that you will not be discriminated against in any way.
Janet: Would you allow straight people in? Men?
Emir: Well... we would allow whoev-
Janet: Choose your next words wisely, Persian! [jabs a finger into Emir's chest. Emir backs away]
Emir: Look uhh, we don't have to offer you anything, so... I don't know why you're being so difficult. This is crazy.
Janet: No, this isn't crazy. This... is... Les Bos! [kicks him in the groin and walks away]
Emir: Ohhhhh!
Persian: How dare you! [Janet is shown in slow motion, her hips swaying back and forth]
Narrator: And so it had begun. By kicking the Persian messenger in the balls, the lesbos had sent a message. [Emir throws up on the floor]. All over the country lesbians heard of the brave standoff.
Anchor: As a group of lesbians in Colorado are refusing to allow the new owners of their bar in.
Lesbian 8: Good for them!
Lesbian 9: You go girls! [she takes a chip and bites into it. The bite is shown in slow motion.]
Narrator: The Persians returned to their office and told their coworkers how the thirty lesbos were refusing to let them in.
Tumon: Well fine. If they're going to block the entrance, we'll just bring like, sixty of us! I'll call more Persians for help. [turns left and picks up a phone in slow mo, then a fast-forward to dialing the numbers. The dialing is shown in slow motion. Next shot is Les Bos under a sepia sky]
Narrator: The hours pass quickly, and the lesbians boldly stood out in front of their bar to stop the Persians from entering.
Lesbian 6: Here they come. [the Persians approach, but stop short]
Big Woman: There's so many of them.
Janet: Lesbos! Positions! [they all take a battle stance]
Tumon: Lesbians! Stand aside. We're coming in to redecorate it!
Janet: The hell you are! You can take your blue carpet and gold curtain rods and shove them up your Persian buttholes!
Tumon: All right! Come on! They can't stop all of us! Huuu!
Persians: [charging forward] Huuu! [slow motion feet are shown]
Janet: Lesbos! Remember this day! Remember this fight! [the battle begins with both sides pushing, the line going back and forth] Don't give them an inch! [she gets poked somewhere] Ow! Iranian faggot!
Tumon: Come on, seriously, let us in!
Janet: Never!
Narrator: For hours, the Lesbos kept the Persians back, holding them off, keeping them from decorating. [Janet and the second Persian are shown in intense shoving combat] Finally the Persians grew tired. and many of them wanted to go shopping for more designer sunglasses. They retreated. [and threw down their weapons] The Lesbos... had held.
Janet: Lesbohhhs!
Lesbians: Huok! Huok!
Narrator: The Persians who did not go shopping now knew they must face their boss.
Tumon: [turns around] Here he comes. [the others turn to see. An opulent Hummer draws closer and closer]
Narrator: Rauf Xerxes. He sat atop a gold Hummer with customized Gucci accessories which only a Persian would think was cool. [four men pour out of the Hummer and arrange themselves into steps in front of the grille]
Tumon: Mr. Xerxes, the Lesbos wouldn't move. We could not get inside to redecorate.
Xerxes: [deep voice] Tumon, how could you have failed me in this simple task? I am so seriously pissed off right now. I could bust a testicle.
Narrator: And with that the Persian club owner came to a realization.
Xerxes: I shall have to deal with these lesbos myself.
Scene Description: Les Bos, the aftermath of the Battle of South Park. The improvised weapons are strewn all over the street.
Janet: Girls, I just want to say that I am very proud of you. The way we kept those Persians from takin' over our bar was Les-tastic.
Allyson: Well that's great, Janet, but what now? We can't just stay here pushing them away our whole lives.
Janet: We can't? I think it's pretty fun.
Linda: We have to have a more solid plan. Something we can use against them permanently.
Lesbian 10: [WNBA player] Maybe we can dig up some dirt on the club owner.
Janet: Hey, that's a great idea, Betsy. We need somebody working on the inside.
Allyson: Whattaya mean?
Janet: If we could get some Persians on our side, we could send them in to try to dig up some dirt on the owner!
Allyson: But who's gonna spy on them for us? We don't know any Persians.
Janet: It's okay. There's people you can hire for this kind of thing.
Scene Description: Moovit Trucking, day. Janet shows up with Women 6 and 8 and whistles at the laborers.
Janet: ¿Que paso? ¿Que paso? Looking for work? Sí? Trabajo?
Laborer 1: Yeis.
Laborer 2: We looking work, sí.
Janet: All right. We need you to infiltrate some Persians who run Club Persh. And dig up some dirt on the owner.
Laborer 2: Okay.
Laborer 1: Sure.
Laborer 3: [wearing NY baseball cap] Okay.
Laborer 4: [wearing gray baseball cap] Yeah.
Allyson: Janet, how is this gonna work? They don't look Persian.
Janet: Sure they do. [walks over to one of the laborers, Laborer 1, and works on him] Just have to- gel the hair, put on a silk shirt, some gold chains, and tons of cologne. [shields her eyes from the cologne, then presents the new man] Persian.
Laborer 1: Sí. [the two women smile]
Lesbian 6: Wow!
Janet: All right, Mexicans, take the rest of these outfits and see what you can find out. The address is in there too.
Laborer 1: Okay.
Laborer 5: No problem.
Laborer 2: Yes.
Laborer 4: Sí. [they turn around and walk away]
Janet: And Mexicans, please hurry. Our girl bar has very little time.
Scene Description: Les Bos, stormy sky, day. The camera pans down from the sky.
Narrator: A full day passed, and the Lesbos knew a second Persian attack was imminent. Outside, Lesbo lookouts kept watch, ready to alert the others. The Lesbo leader sat nervously inside. Her plan to dress Mexicans as Persians to act as spies - perhaps it had failed. She looked around at her fellow Lesbos. They were tired. In order to keep her Lesbos awake, she had no choice: she would have to make coffee. [Janet turns around (fast motion) and heads to the kitchen (slow motion). She enters the kitchen (fast motion) and grabs the glass kettle from the coffee maker (slow motion). She turns towards the sink (fast motion), and pours water into the kettle (slow motion). She turns back to the coffee maker (fast motion) and pour the water into it (slow motion). She closes the water cover, opens the coffee cover, gets some coffee, returns (all fast motion), and pours the coffee into the coffee filter (slow motion). She closes the coffee cover (fast motion) and presses the on button (slow motion).] With fresh coffee brewed, the Lesbos found new life, but would it be enough?
Lesbian 6: [standing on a booth bench and looking out a window] The Persians are attacking again!
Janet: Take positions, Lesbos!
Lesbian 11: Get outside! [the lesbians begin to move towards the door]
Janet: No wait, wait! That's not the Persians, it's the Mexicans.
Linda: Really?
Allyson: How can you tell?
Janet: Let them through. It's okay.
Laborer 3: Hola, ¿como estas?
Laborer 4: Hola.
Janet: Did you uncover anything? Are the Persians doing anything illegal?
Laborer 4: Ahh, no. They're not doing anything illegal.
Janet: A-are you sure?
Laborer 1: No, but we did find out a kind of secret about the person in charge.
Janet: What secret?! [Laborer 4 hands him some photos] Oh my God, are, are you sure about this?
Laborers: Sí.
Allyson: Janet! Janet, the Persian boss is here. He wants to talk to you and you alone.
Janet: It's okay. It's time I met this rich Persian asshole face to face.
Scene Description: Les Bos, outside, moments later. Xerxes descends from his throne as Janet approaches
Xerxes: Why are you lesbians being so difficult?
Janet: Because we're protecting the only home we have.
Xerxes: I don't know why you have to be all superlame about this.
Janet: You know, a long time ago when I first realized I was a lesbian, I felt isolated, confused. And finally I found a place that accepts me for who I am.
Xerxes: Okay, how about this? [stands behind her and puts his hands on her shoulders] I will make you the manager of Club Persh. You'll make good money.
Janet: That's a generous offer, Xerxes, but you see, there's something I know about you. [takes Xerxes' left hand and sniffs it] I know you're actually a woman.
Xerxes: [lets go and backs away quickly] How..? How did you find that out?
Janet: I hired Mexicans to spy on you! They saw you working out at Curves.
Xerxes: You don't understand. Women can't be the boss in Persian culture. Nobody can know about this.
Janet: Yeah. And you know why? Because men are all assholes! They make you feel ashamed for being a little... big, or, manly looking. [Xerxes wasn't expecting this response] But not Lesbos. We accept other women for who they are inside!
Xerxes: You do? Seriously?
Janet: Have you never... even thought, of being with another woman before?
Xerxes: No. I don't even know how two women... can make love. Unless they just kind of [demonstrates with her fingers] scissor or something.
Scene Description: Janet's bedroom, later. Janet and Xerxes are going at it in bed.
Janet: Ohh yeah! Scissor me, Xerxes!
Xerxes: Ohh, that feels so supercool!
Janet: Yeah, scissor!
Xerxes: Ohh, I'm a new woman!
Scene Description: Les Bos, next day. A bright blue sky and fluffy clouds grace it.
Narrator: And so it was that Les Bos was saved. The Persians had agreed to keep it a lesbian bar, for no dyke should be without cocktails.
Janet: Thanks for everything, Xerxes.
Xerxes: No. Thank you, friend.
Allyson: Hey, aren't you supposed to be teaching school right now?
Janet: The school hired a substitute to cover for me.
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, morning, Mrs. Garrison's class. The kids are quietly paying attention
Laborer 1: Hand so to find the sum of the two fractions, zhyou must always first check for the lowest common denominator. [the five laborers the boys first hired are there]
Laborer 2: Sí.
Laborers: Sí. Sí. Yes. Yes. That's right.
Laborer 4: Sí.
Stan: These guys are pretty good.
Kyle: Yeah. I think I'm actually learning something. [both boys resume taking notes.]