Scene Description: A WSPK Channel 2 news anchorman appears
Anchor: Fighting the frizzies, at 11.
Scene Description: Intro. Mailman, tall and lanky with a very long cheek, walks into view
Mailman: We've all heard of Rudolph and his shiny nose And we all know Frosty who's made out of snow But all of those stories seem kind of... gay Cuz we all know who brightens up our holiday!
Scene Description: Robert T. Pooner Presents. Mr. Hankey's Christmas Classics. A Collection of 10 Holiday Songs
Mailman and Kids: Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo
Mailman: Small and brown, he comes from you.
Mailman and Kids: Sit on the toilet; here he comes!
Mailman: Squeeze in 'tween your festive buns. [A boy dances on his ass on the toilet] A present from down below, [Timmy dances with some kids] Spreading joy with a
Mailman and Kids: Mailman and Kids: |[the kids wave] Howdy Ho!
Mailman: [a kid holds up a Hankey X-ray] He's seen the love inside of you, 'cause
Mailman and Kids: Mailman and Kids|[Mailman leads them] He's a piece of poo!
Mailman: Sometimes he's nutty [a girl holds a drawing], sometimes he's corny [she shows the next drawing]. He can be brown or greenish brown [Mailman holds two sheets of construction paper].
Kids: Mmm-mmm.
Mailman: But if you eat fiber on Christmas Eve, He might come to your town. [a boy has made a Hankeyman and added smudges of real poo]
Mailman and Kids: Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo
Mailman: He loves me, I love you. Therefore, vicariously he loves you
Bradley Biggle: [has pants pulled down behind a bush] I can make a Mr. Hankey, too! [craps]
Mr. Hankey: [pops out from behind the bushes] HOWDY HO! I'm Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo. Season's greetings to all of you. Let's sing songs and dance and play [moves in between two kids and holds hands with them] Now, before I melt away [throws himself onto the Mailman's head] Here's a game I like to play: [skips onto every open mouth] Stick me in your mouth and try to say,
All: "Howdy ho ho, yum yum yum."
Mr. Hankey: Christmastime has come!
Girl 1: Sometimes he's runny.
Boy 1: Sometimes he's firm.
Girl 2: Sometimes he's practically water.
Man on Porto Potty: [opens the door] Sometimes he hangs off the end of your ass And won't fall in the toilet Cuz he's just clinging to your sphincter And he won't drop off and so you ...shake your ass around And try to get it to drop into the toilet And finally it does.. [Timmy closes the door and clears his throat]
Mailman and Kids: [Mr. Hankey now leads them] Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo
Mailman: When Christmas leaves; he must leave too. [Santa lands with reindeer]
Mailman and Kids: [Mr. Hankey hops on and waves good-bye. They wave good-bye back] Flush him down, but he's ne-ver gone! [normal. Santa takes off] His smell and his spirit ling-ers on!
Kids: Howdy Ho!
Scene Description: Mr. Hankey is now shown seated on an armchair next to the crackling fireplace. Next to him is a small table with a gifts on it. Behind him is a Christmas tree with gifts at its base
Mr. Hankey: Howdy-ho, folks. We're gonna do somethin' a little bit different tonight. Instead of our normal thing, we're just gonna sit back and enjoy some holiday songs. And if ya don't like it, well, I guess you can suck my tiny little balls. So let's start off with a festive Hanukkah song, sung by my favorite Jewish person in the whole world.
Scene Description: The Broflovski house, decorated for Channukah. A dreidel spins on the living room rug. Kyle and Ike watch it spin and fall
Kyle: Okay, Ike. You're my little brother, so I have to show you how to celebrate Hanukkah. [picks it up] This is called a dreidel. You spin it and see where it lands. And you sing this song: [begins to dance] I have a little dreidel; I made it out of clay. And when it's dry and ready, with dreidel I shall play. Oh, Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, I made you out of clay. Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, with dreidel I shall play. [gives the dreidel to Ike. Cartman walks in]
Cartman: Hey, what the hell are you doing?!
Kyle: Oh! Hey Cartman. We're playing dreidel; you wanna try?
Cartman: Sure. [takes it and walks up to the camera. Kyle sways to the song] Here's a little dreidel that's small and made of clay. But I'm not gonna play with it, 'cause dreidel's freakin' gay.
Kyle: [stops] Hey, shut your mouth, fatass!
Cartman: [moves to block Kyle from view. Kyle moves to the other side of the screen to be seen. They go back and forth like this for a while] Jews.. ...play stupid games Jews... that's why they're lame.
Kyle: Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,
Cartman: Jews...
Kyle: I made you out of clay.
Cartman: ...play stupid games.
Kyle: Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,
Cartman: Jews...
Kyle: with dreidel I shall play.
Cartman: that's why they're lame.
Stan: [Enters] What's going on? ...Oh, it's that Hanukkah thing.
Cartman: It's sooo amazing! [shows the dreidel to Stan] You spin this thing on the ground and it goes 'round and 'round. I could watch it aaall day!
Stan: Let me try. [takes it and spins it on the rug] I'll try to make it spin. It fell; I'll try again.
Scene Description: together. Cartman remains still between Stan and Kyle as Ike dances on the sofa behind them
Kyle: Oh, Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, I made you out of clay.
Stan: I'll try to make it spin.
Kyle: Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, with dreidel I shall play.
Stan: It fell; I'll try again.
Scene Description: together, alternate with Cartman. Cartman walks behind the sofa, then pops up from the back. Above him is a string of Stars of David. Stan keeps trying...
Kyle: Oh, Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,
Stan: I'll try
Cartman: Jews..
Kyle: I made you out of clay.
Stan: to make it spin.
Cartman: ...play stupid games.
Kyle: Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,
Stan: It fell;
Cartman: Jews...
Kyle: with dreidel I shall play.
Stan: I'll try again.
Cartman: that's why they're lame.
Kyle: Hoh, Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,
Stan: I'll try
Scene Description: Cartman takes a Star of David down from the string and carries it out front
Cartman: Jews...
Kyle: I made you out of clay.
to make it spin.: Dialog
Cartman: ...play stupid games.
Kyle: Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,
Stan: It fell,
Cartman: Jews...
Kyle: with dreidel I shall play.
Stan: I'll try again. </poem>
Cartman: that's why they're lame.
Sheila: Hello, boys!
Kyle: Hi, Mom!
Sheila: Oh, how precious! You boys are all playing dreidel. Now, you know that dreidel is a time-honored tradition for the Hebrew people.
Cartman: Yes, we know, Ms. Broflovski. It's so very interesting.
Sheila: Now when you learn to make the dreidel spin [spins herself] You'll know our people always win. Keep spinning: Learn
Cartman: Jews...
Sheila: to make the dreidel spin [spins herself]
Cartman: ...play stupid games.
Sheila: You'll know [high kick]
Cartman:: Jews...
Sheila: our people always win.
Cartman: [hushed]] that's why they're lame. [Gerald enters]
Kyle: Oh, hi Dad.
Gerald: Hello, everybody. Say, can I join in?
Kyle: Sure! I have a little dreidel; I made it out of clay. And when it's dry and ready, with dreidel I shall- everybody!
Scene Description: together, alternate with Cartman. All five break into song and dance. The boys dance in figure-8 form
Kyle: Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,
Stan: I'll try
Sheila: Now when you learn
Gerald: Courtney Cox,
Cartman: Jews...
Kyle: I made you out of clay.
Stan: to make it spin.
Sheila: to make the dreidel spin [spins herself]
Gerald: I love you.
Cartman: ...play stupid games.
Kyle: reidel, dreidel, dreidel,
Stan: It fell;
Sheila: You'll know [high kick. Gerald holds her]
Gerald: You're so hot
Cartman: Jews...
Kyle: with dreidel I shall play.
Stan: I'll try again.
Sheila: our people always win.
Gerald: on that show.
Cartman: that's why they're lame.
Scene Description: All now dance in place
Kyle: Hoh, Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,
Stan: I'll try
Sheila: Keep spinning: learn
Gerald: Courtney Cox,
Cartman: Jews...
Kyle: I made you out of clay.
Stan: to make it spin.
Sheila: to make the dreidel spin
Gerald: I love you.
Cartman: ...play stupid games.
Kyle: Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,
Stan: It fell,
Sheila: You'll know
Gerald: You're so hot
Cartman: Jews...
Kyle: with dreidel I shall play.
Stan: I'll try again.
Sheila: our people always win.
Gerald: on that show.
Scene Description: The others stop singing, but continue dancing
Gerald: Courtney Cox, I love you. [Kyle stops and stares at Gerald] You're so hot [Sheila stops, then Stan] on that show.
Kyle: Dad? [Cartman stops]
Gerald: Courtney Cox,
Kyle: Dad.
Gerald: I- huh? [stops singing]
Kyle: We're singing about a dreidel.
Gerald: [stops dancing] ...Oh, sorry.
Sheila: We'll talk about this later, Gerald!
Scene Description: together, alternate with Cartman, resume song and dance. Kyle is up front. Left: Cartman, Ike, and Gerald. Right: Stan and Sheila
Kyle: Oh, Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,
Stan: I'll try
Sheila: Now when you learn
Gerald: Courtney Cox,
Cartman: Jews...
Kyle: I made you out of clay.
Stan: to make it spin.
Sheila: to make the dreidel spin
Gerald: I love you.
Cartman: ...play stupid games.
Scene Description: Front: Sheila. Left: Stan and Kyle. Right: Cartman, Ike, and Gerald
Kyle: Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,
Stan: It fell,
Sheila: You'll know
Gerald: You're so hot
Cartman: Jews...
Scene Description: Front: Cartman. Left: Ike and Gerald. Right: Kyle and Sheila. Center: Stan
Kyle: with dreidel I shall play.
Stan: I'll try again.
Sheila: our people always win.
Gerald: on that show.
Cartman: that's why they're lame.
Scene Description: Front: Gerald. Left: Stan and Sheila. Right: Cartman, Ike, and Kyle.
Kyle: Hoh, Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,
Stan: I'll try
Sheila: Keep spinning: learn
Gerald: Courtney Cox,
Cartman: Jews...
Scene Description: Front: Stan. Left: Cartman and Gerald. Right: Ike, Kyle, and Sheila
Kyle: I made you out of clay.
Stan: to make it spin.
Sheila: to make the dreidel spin
Gerald: I love you.
Cartman: ...play stupid games.
Scene Description: Front: Ike. Left: Kyle and Stan. Right: Gerald and Cartman. Center: Sheila
Kyle: Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel,
Stan: It fell,
Sheila: You'll know
Gerald: You're so hot
Cartman: Jews...
Scene Description: big finish. Kyle steps forward. Left: Stan and Sheila. Right: Cartman and Gerald. On the sofa back: Ike. Some more dancing ensues
Kyle: with dreidel I shall play.
Stan: I'll try again.
Sheila: our people- know our people always win.
Gerald: on that show.
Cartman: that's why they're lame.
Scene Description: Ike releases the dreidel, which spins successfully. The camera zooms in, only to see it fall.
Scene Description: Back at the armchair...
Mr. Hankey: Woohoo! Golly, that sure was fun. But now, for our next song, hold on to your bootstraps, 'cause we're gonna descend down into Hell!
Scene Description: Hell. Flames abound here, but an ashen plain is seen with a little campfire on it. Hitler, shown in shades of gray, is on his knees in front of the fire, crying. Before him is a tree stand, but there's no tree in it.
Adolf: O Tannenbaum, O Tannenbaum, wie treu sind deine Blätter. O Tannenbaum, O Tannenbaum, [little Hitler is lifted up to put a star atop the Christmas tree] wie treu sind deine Blätter. De grünst nicht nur zur Sommerzeit, [little Hitler beans a Jewish boy down with a snowball] Nein, auch im Winter, wenn es schneit. [Little Hitler looks at trees, and has visions of marching soldiers. He salutes.] O Tannenbaum, O Tannenbaum, wie treu sind deine Blätter. [live Nazi footage is superimposed on the fire. Hitler breaks down]
Satan: [walks up] Hey, Hitler. [turns to face him] What's the matter, little guy?
Adolf: Oh, oh Satan, der tannenbaum, wie treu sind deine Blätter.
Satan: Awww, you don't have a Christmas tree?
Adolf: ...nur zur Sommerzeit, nein, auch im Winter, wenn es schneit.
Satan: [the damned appear around him] Well, I tell you what: Maybe we'll have ourselves a little Christmas, right here! Come on, everyone, gather 'round! String up the lights and light up the tree. We're gonna make some revelry! Spirits are high, so I can tell, [two of the damned stand up and dance] It's Christmastime in Hell. Demons are nicer as you pass them by. [passes them in front of Azrael's Toys] There's lots of demon toys to buy. The snow is falling, and all is well. [a volcano behind the store erupts] It's
With Demons: Christmastime in Hell!
Satan: There goes Jeffrey Dahmer with a festive Christmas ham. [Dahmer walks out of a meat store and into the house next door] After he has sex with it, he'll eat up all he can. And there goes John F. Kennedy, caroling with his son. [they stop by to sing with him]
With the Kennedys: Reunited for the holidays, God bless us, everyone!
With the Damned: Everybody has a happy glow!Let's dance in blood and pretend it's snow.
Satan: Even Mao Tse Tung is under the spell [Mao is making a snow angel]
With Choir: It's Christmastime in Hell!
Satan: Adolf, here's a present for you! [hands him a present]
Adolf: Oh? [opens the gift, it's the Christmas tree he wanted] Ein tannenbaum! [hugs it]
Satan: Yes, ein tannenbaum.
Females: Aaa-aaa!
Satan: God cast me down from heaven's door [hops into a mining car and moves. Two demons man the front car] To rule in Hell forevermore. But now I'm kinda glad that I fell,
With Choir: 'Cause it's Christmastime in Hell!
With Males: Here's a rack to hang the stockings on [...the type of rack with a man stretched out on it]
With Females: We still have to shop for Genghis Khan [seen]
Satan: Michael Landon's hair looks swell.
With Choir: It's Christmastime in Hell!
Satan: There's Princess Diana holding burning mistletoe Over poor Gene Siskel's head; just watch his weenie grow. [She does hold the mistletoe; Gene goes down on her]
With Choir: For one day we all stop burning, and the flames are not so thick. [a demon turns down the flames] All the screaming and the torture stops as we wait for Ol' Saint Nick! So, [Satan sets some cookies on a small table; a demon brings him an armchair] String up the lights and light up the tree. [with him are Mao, Gene, Diana, JFK Sr. and Jr., and Dahmer] We're damned for all eternity. But for just one day all is well. It's Christmastime in Hell!!!
Satan: Gather close together and make it quick! We gotta make room for Andy Dick.[shows the picture]
With Choir: [slowing, takes away the set] Wake his mother and ring the bell. It's... [three demons dress Satan in a green cape and Santa cap]
Satan and Males: [normal, on an altar] Christmastime...
Females: Christmastime... [demons carry Christmas ornaments]
Males: Christmastime... [other fly up with angel wings]
Females: Christmastime... [others dance around a burning tree]
Satan and Males: Christmastime... [Satan on the stage. In front of him...]
Females: Christmastime... [one demon flies up and left]
Males: It's Christmastime... [one flies up and right]
Females: Christmastime... [one flies straight up]
All: It's Christ-mas-time in Hell!!!![the damned form circles around two trees. Demons hover around Satan]
Bailey: [walking by] Merry Christmas, movie house!
Satan: Brrrrrrroom! [Demons fly away]
Scene Description: The anchorman reappears
Anchor: Fighting the frizzies, at 11.
Scene Description: Star Wars lettering: "Mr. Hankey's Christmas Classics"
Kids: Howdy-ho!
Scene Description: Mr. Mackey's house. He really decorated for the holidays. He comes out dressed as a bell
Alone: Uh. Hark, hear the bells, sweet silver bells. All seem to say, "Ding-dong, m'kay."
Scene Description: a floating Mackey head appears to the upper right
Center: Christmas is here, bringing good cheerTo young and old, meek and the bold
Right: Ding DongDing Dong
Scene Description: a second Mackey head appears on the lower left
Center: Ding dong ding-dong, that is their songWith joyful ring, all caroling
Left: Ding DongDing Dong
Right: Ding DongDing M'kay
Scene Description: three Mackeys appear in split-screen
All: One seems to hear words of good cheerFrom everywhere filling the air.
Scene Description: a fourth Mackey, playing Scrabble, joins the other three, but sings his own part
Centers and Right: O, how they pound raising their soundO, here and there telling their tale
Left: O, wailTelling their tale (daily now)
Scene Description: all four, dressed as bells, are in front of the house
All: Gaily they ring while people sing Songs of good cheer. Christmas is here.
Scene Description: the four Mackeys are now small bells on a Christmas tree.
Center 1: Merry Merry Merry Merry ChristmasMerry Merry Merry Merry Christmas
Center 2: Ding dong ding-dong, that is their songWith joyful ring, all caroling
Right: Ding DongDing Dong ding-
Left: Ding- Can you hear them?Ding- Can you hear them?
Scene Description: the four appear normal in front of the house, then at the Scrabble table
Left: On, on they send, on without end,Their joyful tone to every home
Right: Ding DongDi-ing m'kay.
Centers: Ding DongDi-ing!
Scene Description: one Mackey bell is alone in front of the house
Center: Hark, hear the bells, sweet silver bells.All seem to say, "Ding-dong, m'kay."
Right: Dong_______________________
Left: Dong_________________m'kay.
Scene Description: all four Mackey bells appear, then Mr. Mackey is alone
Left: On, on they send, on without end,Their joyful tone to every home
Right: M'kay M'kay___________
Center: M'kay_________________
Scene Description: the small Mackey bells appear one by one on the tree, then the four appear in front of the house
All: ing dong ding-dong, m'kay___
Scene Description: one Mackey bell remains
Center: M'kay.
Scene Description: Back at the armchair...
Mr. Hankey: Well, that was a nice little song, wasn't it? But let's not forget that for some people Christmas is about the birth of Jesus. So now, here's a more serious Christmas song, sung by Eric Cartman.
Scene Description: The town of Bethlehem. Cartman is superimposed on it. He's in formal wear.
Cartman: And... O Holy Night, the stars are brightly shi-ning [The Star of the Nativity appears, then the Three Wise Men] It is the night of our dear Savior's b-b-b-birth [The Nativity and Cartman are seen in the background, Formal Cartman vanishes] O Holy Night, the- something, something, dis- aah. [Formal Cartman before a starry sky] It is the night with the Christmas trees and pie. [Present-day Cartman finishes decorating the tree, helps himself to a pie] Jesus was born, and so I get presents. [Little Drummer Cartman stands before the manger scene, Present-day Cartman is seen tearing into his gifts back at home.] Thank you, Jesus, for being born. (Wo-o-o-o-o) [back at the manger, Little Drummer Cartman turns to look at Baby Jesus.] Fall (Fall) [four angels appear behind Formal Cartman] On your knees (On your knees) [Cartman falls on his knees] And hear (Can't you hear) The angels'.. something (Voices) O night (O night) [Present-day Cartman tosses in bed, which is covered in candy canes] Divine (Divine) [Formal Cartman] The night When I get presents (O-o) [at the manger, Little Drummer Cartman takes the gifts meant for Jesus] O night (O o-night) [loads them up on his camel, with other presents] Di-viiine! [Present-day Cartman rips into more presents at home] [Formal Cartman] O night (Ooo-ooo) O night, di-vine! [Little Drummer Cartman leads the gift-laden camels away] Oh. Ah. Ch.
Scene Description: Back at the armchair..
Mr. Hankey: Well, oh boy, that was a super song! And now, let's hear from the school teacher, Mr. Garrison.
Scene Description: South Park Elementary. Class is in session. Mr. Garrison has drawn a world map on the board.
Mr. Garrison: Okay, children, let's take our seats. Today we're going to learn how different cultures around the world celebrate the holiday season.
Class: [flatly] Awww.
Kenny: (What?!)
Mr. Garrison: Now, pay attention. Ahem... I heard there is no Christmas in the silly Middle East [points it out] No trees, no snow, no Santa Claus; They have different religious beliefs They believe in Muhammad, and not in our holiday.[shows some Arabic writing] And so, every December I go to the Middle East and say, [tosses the picture away] [In the Middle East] Hey there, Mr. Muslim, Merry Fuckin' Christmas! Put down that book, the Koran, and hear some holiday wishes [rips the Koran out of the Muslim's hand and dresses him up as a tree] In case you haven't noticed, it's Jesus' birthday [removes the veils of two women] So get off your heathen Muslim ass and fuckin' celebrate. [sticks a candy cane in the man's house] There is no holiday season in India, I've heard. [pulls down a chart showing India's demerits.] They don't hang up their stockings, and that is just absurd. [Stan and Kyle look at each other and shrug] They've never read a Christmas story, they don't know what Rudolph is about.[holds up a book: "The Night Before Christmas"] And that is why in December I'll go to India and shout, [In India, next to a swami sitting on a bed of nails] Hey there, Mr. Hinduist, Merry Fuckin' Christmas! Drink eggnog and eat some beef, and pass it to the Missus. [gives beef to one man, pours eggnog on another] In case you haven't noticed, it's Jesus' birthday. [wraps a few people in Christmas lights] So get off your heathen Hindu ass and fuckin' celebrate. [passes out wreaths] Now, I heard that in Japan everyone just lives in sin. They pray to several gods and put needles in their skin. On December 25th all they do is eat a cake. And that is why I go to Japan and walk around and say, Hey there, Mr. Shintoist!, Merry Fuckin' Christmas! God is gonna kick your ass, you infidelic pagan scum. In case you haven't noticed, there's festive things to do. [throws some straw on the musicians] So let's all rejoice for Jesus, and Merry Fuckin' Christmas to you. [knocks down the Shintoist and dumps gifts on him, and wraps others in lights] [dressed as Santa, dances around the class] On Christmas Day, I travel 'round the world and say, "Taoists, Krishnas, Buddhists, and all you atheists, too! Merry Fuckin' Christmas to you." [Mr. Hat claps] Uh, thank you, Mr. Hat.
Scene Description: The anchorman reappears
Anchor: Frizzies, at 11.
Scene Description: Star Wars lettering: "Mr. Hankey's Christmas Classics"
Kids: Howdy-ho!
Scene Description: A happy Shelly Marsh plays piano, but...
Shelly: I saw three ships come sailing in On Christmas Day, on Christmas Day I saw three ships come sailing in [Stan sticks out his tongue and wiggles his hands on his ears] On Christmas Day, in the morning. [Kyle pulls the ends of his lips apart and goes cock-eyed] And what was in those ships, all three? [Stan starts to slurp on his fingers, then the boys chuckle] On Christmas Day, on Christmas Day And what- [turns and points at them] Shut up, turds! [silence] -was in those ships all three On Christmas Day, in the morning? The Virgin Mary and Christ were there [Stan mimics Shelly with exaggerated expression, Kyle stifles a laugh] On Christmas Day, on Christmas Day [Kyle cracks up] The Virgin Mary and- Shut up, TUUUURDS! [The boys cover their mouths. Kyle stifles his laughing] -Christ were there On Christmas Day, in the morning. Let us all rejoice, amain, [Stan pulls his cap over his face, Kyle flaps his ear flaps] On Christmas Day, on Christmas Day [the boys burst out laughing] And let- [walks to the boys] I told you to shut up! [Stan stifles his laugh] [back at the piano] -us all rejoice, amain, On Christmas Day, in the morning. [the boys make faces again] Shelly is starting to get pissed [the boys begin to chuckle] On Christmas Day, on Christmas Day [the chuckle get louder] Shelly got up and killed the turds [the laughs roll out] On Christmas Day, in the MORNING! [picks up the piano...]
Stan: AAAA! [...and slams it down on the boys. She walks away.]
Scene Description: Back at the armchair...
Mr. Hankey: Golly, that sure was swell. I'd say my Christmas special is going super-fantastic. Well, now it's time to hear from perhaps the two most important people of the whole season.
Scene Description: McKemick's Night Club. Tonight: Jesus and Saint Nick. A man goes towards the club.
Emcee: Hello, everyone, and welcome to McKemick's. Now, please put your hands together and welcome... Saint Nicholas and Jesus Christ. [Jesus and Santa enter on stage, and the audience claps]
Santa: Hello, everybody!
Jesus: [waves] How are y'all doing tonight?
Santa: You know, Jesus, there've been so many songs written about us over the years.
Jesus: That's right, Santa, and we love each and every one of them. Like this one. Joy to the world, for I have come. Let earth receive Me! Let every heart prepare Me room. [gets some applause]
Santa: And heaven and nature sing...
Jesus: And heaven and nature sing...
Santa: And heaven and nature sing...
Jesus: And heaven and na-
Both: And heaven and heaven and nature sing.
Santa: You know, Jesus, that is a nice song, but I like... this one: Up on the housetop reindeer pause Out jumps good old... me. [get some applause] Down through the chimney with lots of toys All for the little ones' Christmas joys
Both: [sway together] Ho ho ho! Who wouldn't go? Ho ho ho! Who wouldn't go?
Santa: Up on the housetop, click click click.Down through the chimney with good old... me.
Jesus: He he hoo, get away! [pushes him away]
Santa: Go away??
Jesus: Get away.
Santa: Where away?
Jesus: [gets some applause] Away in the manger, no crib for My bed That's where cute little old Me lay down My sweet head. The stars in the sky (Santa: Ooooo)
Both: Looked down where I lay.
Jesus: Cute little eight-pound me (Santa: Oo-oo)
Both: asleep in (Santa: on) the hay.
Jesus: [gets some applause and sings upbeat] O come, all ye faithful, joyful and triumphant O come ye to Bethlehem to see-ee Me...
Santa: Here's one, Jol-
Jesus: Hark, the herald angels sing, Glory-
Santa: Hey, it's my turn.
Jesus: -to Me!Silent Night,
Santa: Uh.
Jesus: Holy Night
Santa: Santa Cl- em
Jesus: All is calm, all is brightRound yon Virgin, Mother and Me.
Santa: Saint Nicholas... can't think of one.
Jesus: Holy Me, so tender and mild. Sleep in heavenly peace. [slowing] Sleep in heavenly peace.
Santa: Okay, Jesus. Here's one you might remember: Her name is Rio and she dances on the sand Just like that river twistin' through the dusty land.
Jesus: Uh. Santa, Santa, Santa, that's not a Christmas song, bud. Ah... that's-
Santa: I know, but there's, like, three-hundred Jesus Christmas songs and only four fucking Santa ones! It's not fair! Just do it yourself! I'm leaving. [walks off the stage]
Jesus: Aw, come on, Santa. You can't leave.
Santa: Aw, fuck you, Jesus!
Jesus: But Santa... The weather outside is frightful
Santa: [offscreen] Aw.
Jesus: But the fire so delightful
Santa: [returns to the stage] Well, since I've no place to go.
Both: Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow. [more applause]
Jesus: It doesn't show signs of stoppin'.
Santa: But I brought some corn for poopity-poppin'.
Jesus: The lights are turned way down low, so Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow. [Santa: Snow... snow... snow.]
Both: The fire is slowly dyin',
Santa: And, my dear, we're still good-bop-be-byein',
Jesus: But as long as you love me so,
Both: [they dance and hold hands, then Jesus twirls him. Santa spins off the stage]Let it snow, let it snow,
Jesus: let it snow!
Santa: [slides back on stage on his knees] Her name is Rio and she dances on the sand! [the club claps enthusiastically. The pianist winks at the duo and points at them. Jesus points back, and Santa holds up a thumb]
Scene Description: The anchorman reappears
Anchor: Fighting frizzies, at 11.
Scene Description: Star Wars lettering: "Mr. Hankey's Christmas Classics"
Kids: Howdy-ho!
Scene Description: A toilet bowl. Mr. Hankey is floating on the water there.
Mr. Hankey: Well, I guess that's about the end of my Christmas album. Gosh! It was sure nice hangin' out with y'all again. Well, I guess if there's just... one thing I have left to say, it would be this: Have yourself a merry little Christmas May your heart be light From now on, our troubles will be out of sight. Have yourself a merry little Christmas Make the Yuletide gay. [hops out of the bowl] From now on, our troubles will be miles away. [hops onto a ham as a family of four looks on happily, leaves his mark,then hops onto his armchair]
With boys: [In the next scene Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny join him. Clips of Wendy, Sheila, the Mayor, Ms. Crabtree, and Liane follow.] Here we are as in olden days, Happy golden days, of yore. [The females join Stan and Kyle: Wendy, Shelly, Sheila, Liane, Mrs. McCormick, Nurse Gollum, Principal Victoria, the Mayor, Sharon, and Ms. Crabtree.] Faithful friends who are dear to us [Cartman strokes Mr. Kitty. Stan and Kyle decorate the chandelier] Gather near to us once more. [Mr. Hankey hops onto Santa's shoulder as Jesus looks on]
The Boys: Through the years we all will be together [the boys embrace shoulders and stand united] If the Fates allow. [the chandelier drops on Kenny and the others back away, shocked]
Mr. Hankey: Hang a shining star upon the highest bough. [Kyle lifts Mr. Hankey up to do this. Sharon hugs and kisses Stan, JFK and Hitler approach the fireplace and embrace]
With Boys: And have yourself a merry little Christmas now. [Some of the characters in the other songs come in and smile: Sheila, Gerald, Ike, Mr. Mackey in a bell, Satan, Jimmy the mailman, Jesus, Santa, Hitler, Mr. Garrison in Santa outfit, and Shelly. Kyle climbs down from the ladder with Mr. Hankey in hand and stands with Stan and Cartman, and rats rush in to chew on Kenny.]
Cartman: [takes Mr. Hankey from Kyle] Time to go, Mr. Hankey.
Mr. Hankey: Goodbye, everybody, [Cartman flushes him down] and Meeeeerry Christmas! [Stan and Kyle join Cartman to see Mr. Hankey be flushed away.]
Kyle: [into the toilet bowl] Bye, Mr. Hankey. See you next year.
Scene Description: The camera zooms back from a pink house not seen before.
Scene Description: The anchorman reappears
Anchor: And now, fighting the frizzies. [begins to box what looks like a frizzy monster.]
Scene Description: "Dreidel, Dreidel, Dreidel" plays as the anchor and the frizzy monster continue to box and the credits roll.
Anchor: Come on! Kick my ass! [he and the monster continue boxing]


Scene Description: South Park, Main Street, day. Kyle, Stan, and Kenny walk towards Tom's Rhinoplasty. Some adults walk by them as a station wagon rolls by. On the buildings are posters of Father Time and Baby New Year.
Stan: Dude, what are we gonna do for New Year's Eve? It has to be awesome.
Kyle: I know. It's probably gonna be the biggest night of our lives!
Cartman: [runs up] You guys! You guys! [pants] Guess what?
Kyle: What, fatass?!
Cartman: I've become a man! I started puberty, you guys! [grins]
Kenny: (...What?)
Stan: No you didn't!
Cartman: Yes! I really did.
Stan: How do you know?
Cartman: Well, because yesterday I got my period. [lets the words hang there for a moment]
Kyle: You got your what?
Cartman: My period, you guys. You see, there comes a time in every child's life when they grow up and nature takes its course by having you bleed out your ass for a few days every month.
Stan: You're making that up! [a woman steps out of a small building, and he addresses her] Miss Aliton, what's it mean to get a period?
Miss Aliton: Well boys, ah-I don't think I can tell you. Ah-
Stan: Please, it's important.
Miss Aliton: Well, it's when puberty hits and you bleed, you know, down there. [points to the region]
Kyle: Holy shit, dude! Cartman's right! [Miss Aliton turns and walks away. The boys turn to face Cartman]
Cartman: Well guys, I'm afraid I won't be able to hang out with you on New Year's Eve. I have to hang out with the older crowd because now, I'm ma-ture. [begins to dance away backwards] I got my period, and you guys didn't. I got my period, and you guys didn't. [skips out of view]
Stan: Dude, Cartman can't hit puberty before us.
Kyle: Well, maybe we'll get ours soon, too. I'm gonna go and see if I'm bleeding out my ass.
Kenny: (Me too.)
Scene Description: TV 4 News Flash
Anchor Tom: In local news, a stomach virus is going around that is causing bleeding of the colon in some small children. Doctors are telling parents that the virus is nothing to worry about and that the infections can be dealt with simple antibiotics. [turns to face another camera, and a new picture, "New Year's Eve 1999" appears] Well, it's just four days until New Year's Eve, 1999. The new millennium is almost upon us, and all over the world people have started to celebrate by dancing, singing, and killing one another. [In New York, amid burning buildings, one man beats another man over the head with a bat. In Paris, people drop down from on high, and in Beijing people torch each other] But probably the biggest event of the millennium is one happening in South Park, Colorado, where people have gathered for a chance to see Jesus Christ. Craig Netzel is standing by.
Scene Description: Reporter Craig Netzel in South Park. Television cameras are everywhere
Netzel: Thanks, Tom. It is indeed four days until the new millennium, and hundreds if not thousands of people have come from all over the world seeking Jesus, here at his house in South Park. [the camera begins to pan to the right. A man with two kids next to him sit in chairs. Skeeter and his friends are there, too] Everyone is giddy with anticipation for Jesus to come out, because as we all know, if Jesus comes out of his house and is not scared by his shadow, it means the next thousand years will be full of peace and love. [the front door opens] Oh, it looks like Jesus might be coming out! [turns to face the house. Jesus peeks out from it]
Woman: [picks up her son and points Jesus out] Oh look, Tommy. There he is. Can you see him?
Boy: He's neat, Mommy. [cameras go off as the crowd stands behind some "Jesus line. Do not cross" lines. Jesus drops back into his house, then peeks out again]
Netzel: [softly] Everyone is quiet here, Tom. Looks like the little fellow's a bit nervous. [Jesus moves forward] But he has taken another step out, Tom! This is great new for us!
Jesus: Uh-mmm, um what are you people doing? [people lower their cameras, puzzled] Can I help you with something? [no one moves]
Netzel: ...Well, it's... the millennium, Jesus.
Jesus: Uuh-huh?
Netzel: Well, it's "The Millennium".
Man 1: Yeah.
Man 2: Yeah.
Man 3: Yeah.
Cameraman: Right.
Jesus: So, what happens at the millennium?
Netzel: ...I don't know.
Jimbo: We thought you did.
"Y2K" Man: Yeah, you're supposed to know!
Man 4: Yeah!
Man 5: Yeah, you're Jesus.
Man 6: Hey!
Man 5: You're the one in control.
Jesus: Oh. Well. Yea. Believe in me and ye shall find peace.
Mr. Garrison: Yeah yeah yeah, we've heard that crap for about 2000 years now! We wanna hear somethin' new! It's the year 2000, for Christ's sake!
Crowd: Yeah!
Jesus: Well, what do ya want?
Fr. Maxi: We want to see God!
Randy: Yeah, with our own eyes.
Crowd: Yeah!
Jimbo: We followed blindly for thousands of years and we think the least God can do is show up for New Year's Eve 1999!
Crowd: Yeah!
Woman: That's right!
Jesus: Oh. Uuuh, let me think about that for a minute. [backs up and closes the door. The people in the crowd are left to talk amongst themselves]
Man With Picket Sign: [to man to his left] Is that good?
Man 7: I don't know.
Man 8: I don't know. Is that good or not?!
Scene Description: The Marsh house, living room. The phone rings and Stan goes to answer it.
Stan: Hello?
Kyle: Dude, did you get your period yet?
Stan: No, there's no blood coming out of my ass.
Kyle: Mine neither. But I double-checked, and Cartman was right. Your period is the start of puberty.
Stan: Well, if Cartman is the only one who get it and he thinks he's too grown-up to hang out with us on New Year's Eve, then screw him anyways.
Kyle: Yeah.
Scene Description: The McCormick shack, the restroom. Kenny reads from the South Park Enquirer on the pot. A stool drops into the toilet, and Kenny gets up to check it out
Kenny: [seeing the red streak] (Woohoo! [jumps for joy] Woohoooo!)
Scene Description: Al's Pharmacy. Inside, the boys check out various tampons. Cartman looks over a box of Breeze tampons
Stan: Come on, Cartman, we have to make plans for New Year's.
Cartman: Hold your horses, guys. This is very important for mature people. [drops the Breeze and picks up the Plug-Ups. Softly] Let's see. Offers complete protection during heavy flow, hm. [swaps the Plug-Ups for the Cotton Cork] Lessee, might slow stoppage of vaginal chunks, eh. [swaps the Cotton Cork for the Beaver Dam] Oh, this one's got wings, you guys!
Kenny: [rushes in] (You guys! You guys, I did it! I got my very own period!)
Cartman: [pleased] You did?
Kyle: You got your period too, Kenny?
Kenny: (Yeah, it was awesome! I was just sitting down and then I got my period!)
Cartman: Well welcome to the club, Kenny. You got your period, so now you're a man. We can hang out together on New Year's Eve. [Stan shrugs, but looks worried] But first you need to buy some Maxi pads to stuff in the back of your pants so you don't get blood on your underwear.
Kenny: [exults] (Woo-hoo!)
Scene Description: Jesus' house. The crowd awaits his decision. Inside, Jesus paces the floor
Netzel: [from the TV] Tom, it looked for a second as if Jesus was going to come out of his house, but then he went back inside. But meanwhile, more and more people are showing up to show their support for Jesus. [a man holds up a sign saying: "It's the end of the MILLENIUM. Please don't kill us JESUS". Jesus looks in wonder]
Rancher: [holding a Bible] Well, the way I see it, if he really is who he says he is, well then he'd better do somethin' on New Year's Eve, 'cause it's in the Bible!
Jesus: [sighs heavily] Father, I need to talk to you. Please, Father, appear to me. [a flash of light and swirling clouds follow as Jesus comes forward to meet his father]
God: [voice-over] What is it, my child?
Jesus: Father, everyone is starting to pay attention to me again because of the new millennium. Huh-I'm kinda making a comeback!
God: Yea, like John Travolta before you. You are experiencing a second revival.
Jesus: It's the millennium, Father. People want to see you.
God: Nay, their eyes are not yet prepared to see the likes of me.
Jesus: But dad, I think this may be my one big shot at a comeback.
God: Be ye careful of pride, Jesus.
Jesus: Just make an appearance. You can come down, say 'hi' to a few people and can be back by 12:30.
God: I'm sorry, my son, but if you want to earn everyone's love, you will have to do it yourself.
Scene Description: The Broflovski house, living room, day. Ike is playing with a set of blocks. Kyle approaches him.
Kyle: Ike, can I talk to you? [sits down next to Ike]
Ike: Uh ar, stufid.
Kyle: Ike, I don't know what to do. All the guys are getting their periods, and I don't think I am. I can't be the last one to get it. I just can't!
Ike: Whoa won toooo-reeee.
Kyle: Cartman got his, then Kenny. What if tomorrow Stan says he got his and I'm left out? I might not even get to be their friend anymore.
Ike: No. Martur sucker. Moghee. Muckeh m'gwoss. Tabyudog.
Kyle: Yeah! I could just say I got my period! It's not like they'll check. I can just say I got my period, 'cause I really will get it someday! It's not really lying, it's just jumping the gun a little.
Ike: Cokeh mocker.
Kyle: [stands and moves out] Thanks a lot, Ike!
Scene Description: The bus stop, day. Stan, Kenny and Cartman are hanging out there.
Stan: So you guys aren't gonna spend New Year's Eve with us?
Cartman: Look, Kenny and I are mature now. We can't spend New Year's Eve with a couple of kids. Did you get your Maxi pads, Kenny?
Kenny: (No. All I could get was a couple of tampons.)
Cartman: Tampon? What's a tampon?
Kenny: (See, a tampon is what you stick up your ass so you don't bleed.)
Cartman: Ew, doesn't that hurt?
Kenny: (A little.)
Kyle: [rushes up quite excited] You guys! I got my period, too!
Cartman: Wow, cool!
Stan: [frightened] You did?
Kyle: Yeah! [Stan looks down sadly] I was just hanging out in my room, and then I perioded all over the place.
Cartman: All right! You have to be in me and Kenny's club, then. My mom gave me this "Women Who Run With The Wolves" book and I'm finding out all about our goddess powers.
Kyle: Awesome! We get powers?
Cartman: Yeah! Come on, we can set everything up in my clubhouse and get ready for New Year's Eve! [Stan is left alone, but Cartman returns] Hey, don't feel bad, Stan. Some of us just mature a little later than others. [walks away]
Scene Description: Stan's room, night. He's ready for bed, but sits at his desk with pencil and paper at the ready. He picks the pencil up and writes
Stan: Are you there, God? It's me, Stan. If you wouldn't mind, I don't wanna be the only kid who doesn't get his period before the new year. Could you speed up my development a little? Thanks, God. Your friend, Stan [He sets his pencil down and goes to bed]
Scene Description: Jesus' house, outside, night. The camera crews and crowd keep vigil. One window on the house is lit from within
Jesus: Are you there, God? It's me, Jesus. I feel like I've got a real shot at a comeback, God. For whatever reason, people are starting to follow me again. I'm 2000 years old, but I feel like I'm 28 again! I think I'm going to win everybody back, because I just made a few phone calls, and I'm going to put on the most amazing New Year's spectacle this world has ever seen!
Scene Description: The Marsh house, Stan's room, day. An alarm goes off, and Terrance and Phillip are heard.
Phillip: [a rooster crows] Oh God, you're smelly!
Announcer: Good morning, South Park, it's 8 a.m., [Stan awakens] and only two more days until the new millennium! [Stan moves towards the radio, than away from it, then hides under the covers, then sprints for the restroom. Quickly, he lowers his pajamas and briefs]
Stan: Dammit! Dammit dammit dammit!
Sharon: Stanley, honey, what's the matter?
Stan: [sobbing] I'm not bleeding out my aahass!
Sharon: Well, that's good, honey.
Stan: No it's not! It's terrible! [Sharon looks worried. Stan returns to his bed and prays] Are you there, God? It's me, Stan. How come you didn't help me? I know you're really busy with things, but this is a matter of life and death. If I don't get my period, my friends won't let me hang out with them on New Year's Eve. Please, please give me my period soon.
Scene Description: Jesus' house, day, one day before New Year's eve. The camera crews and crowd keep vigil. A woman yawns, and the front door opens again
Jimbo: Here he comes!
Mr. Garrison: He's coming out!
Jesus: [steps out and closes the door] ...I have given it much thought, my children, and you are right. After reviewing the Bible, it does indeed say that something very big is going to happen at the millennium. [the crowd cheers and jumps for joy] I have spoken to my Father in heaven, and he agreed that the millennium is significant to all of us. And ye who believe in me SHALL be rewarded! [more cheering and jumping] So what we're going to do tomorrow night, New Year's Eve, 1999: we just got ROD STEWART to agree to play a comeback concert at the Rio Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas, and you're all going! [...silence]
Man: ...We knew you could do it, Jesus! [the crowd begins to cheer again, and Jesus grins]
Mr. Garrison: Well, I'd better book my ass a flight to Vegas! [hurries away]
Fr. Maxi: [beings to sing. Others step aside] For he is Savior For he is Lord
Crowd: He gives me hope when I have only been bored And he lifts me up with His gentle arm...
Scene Description: The Ewok Village 2000. Cartman, Kyle, and Kenny sit in a circle with candles next to them.
Cartman: [wearing a bandana and flowers] Okay, is everyone accounted for? Goddess Wind?
Kyle: [with bandana and leafy wings] Here.
Cartman: Goddess Moon? Goddess Moon?!
Kenny: [with fine pendant on his hood and purple cape] (Dammit, here!)
Cartman: And I'm here, Goddess Earthly Delight. So this is the first meeting of our club for teens who have gotten their periods. We're supposed to talk about our periods. And boys. Let's talk about boys first. I think Craig is pretty cool, but I don't think Clyde is very cool.
Kyle: I think Clyde is kind of cool, but Craig is definitely cooler than Clyde.
Kenny: (Yes, I agree. I think Craig is a thousand times as cool as Clyde. There doesn't really seem to be a doubt.)
Cartman: Okay, that settles that. Now let's talk about our periods. Kyle, you first.
Kyle: Oh. Ah-ah. Ah-uh-m-m.
Cartman: What's the matter, Kyle?
Kyle: Nothing. Um [clears his throat], my period is really uuuh... [Cartman looks on skeptically] Uuuh, my period is going swimmingly.
Cartman: ...Okay, that makes sense. Mine is going swimmingly, too.
Kenny: (And mine too.)
Kyle: [sighs] Phew.
Scene Description: Chef's house. Stan walks up and knocks
Chef: [opens the door] Oh, hello Stan.
Stan: [despondent] Hey, Chef.
Chef: How's it going?
Stan: Bad.
Chef: Why bad?
Stan: Can I come in?
Chef: Well, sure. [Stan enters and Chef closes the door. They sit on the sofa] Now, what's the matter, little cracker?
Stan: Chef, I have ...this friend, see? And this person is really bummed out, because everyone else the same age has gotten their period, and this person hasn't.
Chef: OOH, you're talkin' about your older sister, Shelly.
Stan: No.
Chef: Your little girlfriend, Wendy.
Stan: Look, it doesn't matter who it is. The point is that everyone else got their period and this person hasn't.
Chef: Look, Stan. Do you really know what a period is?
Stan: Yeah, Cartman told us.
Chef: Stan, let me sing you a little song about the menstrual cycle. I think it might clear things up for you. [gets up and faces him]
Stan: Okay.
Chef: Ooo baby, yeah baby, ooo baby. Yeah baby, yeah baby, now baby. Ooo yeah, yes yes baby Yeahyeahyeah, uh-huh baby now Agh! Agh! Awww! No, baby! Ewww, baby! No, no! Alright now-I'm alright, I'm-I'm cool, it's okay. Uh alright, watch out for the bedspread, baby. Look out now, it's- alright, I'll tell you what. Uuh, how about uuh, uh. Why don't I call you next week? And that's my song about the menstrual cycle, Stan. Did that clear things up for you?
Stan: [thinks] ...So what you're saying is, this person shouldn't be bummed because everybody has their period at a different time.
Chef: ...Is that what I said?
Stan: But it's not fair! It's not fair that one day you're on top, that you're the coolest kid in town, and then the next day you're at the bottom again, 'cause everyone has blood coming out their ass but you, and if I can't menstruate, then by God, I'm not gonna sit around and be the only periodless 8-year-old boy! I'm gonna do something about it! [hops off and heads out the door.]
Chef: Whoa! I musta missed a WHOLE middle part there.
Scene Description: Rod Stewart's mansion, day. Jesus sits on a leather sofa with Stewart's agent. Around them are Grammys, some pictures of Stewart and framed gold records
Agent: I can't tell you how excited Rod Stewart is about this millennium concert. He's gotten a little older, but you're gonna see how much he can still rock.
Jesus: Hoh, I'm excited too. I think it will bring my Father's children back to their faith and back to mine eyes, for I an the Lamb of God.
Agent: Yeah t-and uh, you know, Rod is a seasoned veteran, so I'm gonna have to ask for a bit more cash, but we could talk about that later; here comes Rod now. [some double doors open, and a nurse wheels Rod into the room]
Rod: Hullo-o-o.
Jesus: [surprised, but quickly recovers and shakes Rod's hand] Hey, Rod, great to see you.
Rod: Oh.
Jesus: Uh, the folks are sure glad you're playing. It's really given them a lot of faith in me again. I'm sure that together, we can make this millennium party the best New Year's bash ever!
Rod: Pooped pants.
Jesus: What?
Rod: Pooped pants.
Jesus: Poo pants?
Rod: Pooped 'nmuh pants.
Jesus: Uh, you pooped your pants?
Rod: Pooped in my pants.
Jesus: Oh Uh-n nurse? Mr. Stewart has apparently pooped his pants?
Nurse: Again?! [turns Rod around to wheel him away] Now, Mr. Stewart, what did we say about trying to hold in Mr. Dookie? [exits with Rod. Jesus can only look on, shocked]
Scene Description: Genetic Engineering Ranch, night
Dr. Mephesto: [leading Stan into the lab] Yes, puberty is a very wonderful thing, Stan. It's what links us all together, makes us one.
Stan: But what happens if there's someone who never went through puberty.
Dr. Mephesto: Never went through puberty? Who never went through puberty?
Stan: Nn-nobody! I mean, uh, well, m-my dad.
Dr. Mephesto: Your father never went through puberty?
Stan: No. And uh, that's why he sent me here; 'cause he's too embarrassed to come himself.
Dr. Mephesto: Oh, I can't say that I blame him.
Stan: So do you know anything that can help him?
Dr. Mephesto: Well, I should think the most logical solution would be... hormones.
Stan: Hormones? [smiles. Mephesto takes him to the medicine cabinet]
Dr. Mephesto: Yes! [removes a bottle of PURE HORMONES] Here, and tell your father to take just one of these pills every week. It could be just what he needs. And be sure to tell him that his secret is safe with me.
Stan: Thanks a lot, Dr. Mephesto. You're the best! [walks away with the bottle]
Dr. Mephesto: My pleasure. I just love helping people.
Scene Description: Genetic Engineering Ranch, outside. Stan looks at the bottle and reads the prescription: "one tablet weekly." He pops the lid off... One tablet falls, and then the empty bottle.
Scene Description: The Ewok Village 2000, next day. Cartman, Kyle, and Kenny have reassembled.
Cartman: Now, for our first club activity, we're supposed to reach into this little dish and pull out a word. We look at the word and think about what that word means to us. [tips the bowl towards Kyle, who reaches in and takes a slip of paper]
Kyle: [unfurls and reads] Okay. Today's word is "spirituality." What that means to me is uh- [thump. The three look up]
Stan: [outside, below] Hey assholes! [the three rise and head for a window]
Cartman: Oh, look. It's that little boy who hasn't gotten his period yet.
Stan: [now with some facial hair] Don't you worry about that! I've started taking hormones!
Kyle: Hormones?
Stan: Yeah, they make you have your puberty quicker. And I'm just here to tell you that my puberty is gonna be bigger than any of you guys's!
Kyle: Dude, I don't think 8-year olds are supposed to take hormones.
Cartman: Yeah, you shouldn't force your period, Stan. You should let it come, like the morning dew.
Stan: So what are we gonna do for New Year's?
Cartman: Well, we're going with our families to Las Vegas. I guess there'll be some younger kids there, too, if you wanna go.
Stan: [voice breaking] Aaaargh. I'm gonna go take some more hormones. [walks away. The other three withdraw and resume their discussion]
Cartman: Now, the word is "spirituality." I believe that the goddess in me is my spirituality because she-
Kenny: (Ooooowwwwwwwhh.) [leans forward in pain]
Cartman: Quiet, Kenny. The goddess lives in all of us and has-
Kenny: (Oh- ooowww!)
Cartman: Goddammit, Kenny, shut the hell up!
Kenny: (Aaaaaa!) [falls back and passes out. Blood spews up from his mouth]
Kyle: Whoa, dude!
Scene Description: Hell's Pass Hospital. An ambulance is parked outside. Inside, the McCormick parents sit in the waiting room holding hands
Dr. Doctor: Mr. and Ms. McCormick.
McCormick Parents: Yes?
Dr. Doctor: I'm sorry. We... couldn't save your son.
Ms. McCormick: [sobbing] Oh my God, my little Kenny's gone. I can't believe it.
Dr. Doctor: We just didn't get to him in time. There's nothing we could do.
Stuart: What happened? What killed him, doctor?
Dr. Doctor: Well, we found a... tampon stuck up your child's ass. Apparently, he'd had it up there for several days. It plugged him up until he finally burst from the inside out like a ruptured septic tank.
Ms. McCormick: [sobbing] Oh my God.
Dr. Doctor: My worry is that he could have been following some kind of crazy new fad. Perhaps the children are all shoving tampons up their ass because they've seen the Backstreet Boys doing it on TV or something.
Ms. McCormick: [sobbing] Gi-ih [gulp]
Dr. Doctor: We must get to the bottom of this! ...if you'll pardon the pun. But actually, right now, I've got to catch a plane to Las Vegas to see the Rod Stewart Millennium Show.
Stuart: Rod Stewart's gonna be in Vegas?
Scene Description: Las Vegas, night. Klieg lights search the sky as a large crowd gathers for the concert. Craig Netzel is on scene
Netzel: Tom, I'm here live in Las Vegas, where tomorrow night THE New Year's Eve event is going to happen. Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior, is presenting Rod Stewart, the undisputed King of Pop, right here at this hotel behind me. [tents and stands pepper the grounds. Some of them have been seen in South Park before] It looks as though Jesus really has come through. [Jesus is in his room looking at the report] Everyone is very excited, because rumor has it that God Himself is gonna show up to the event.
Jesus: [shocked] What??
Netzel: How about you, ma'am? Do you think God is gonna show up tomorrow night?
Ma'am: [in party hat] Of course he is. This is Jesus we're talking about. He wouldn't let us down.
Jesus: [turns off the TV] Oh no! Are you there, God? Father, will you please reconsider and show up tomorrow? [no answer] ...Hello?
Scene Description: New Year's Eve, morning. Stan's radio alarm goes off
Sharon: Stanley. [Stan awakes. A beard is forming] Wake up, honey. It's time to leave for Las Vegas. [he jumps out of bed and walks past a Terrance and Phillip full-length mirror. He stops, walks backwards, and looks at his reflection, strokes his sparse beard, turns to look at himself from the side...]
Stan: Who-o-oa, du-ude. I've got boobs.
Scene Description: Las Vegas, New Year's Eve, 1999, night. The stage area. The crowds erupts in anticipation
Cartman: [walks in with Kyle] Hey, Las Vegas is a pretty cool place for us mature people. [Jesus takes the stage and speaks]
Jesus: Alright, people. Are we ready to rock the millennium?! [the crowd roars. Jesus steps backstage and prays] Father in heaven, please let tonight's show go well. Please make them like it.
Kyle: [Butters is already next to Cartman] Hey, here comes Stan.
Stan: [walks up, with a deep boy voice] Have I missed anything?
Cartman: Wow, Stan, you really got some nice titties there.
Kyle: Did you get your period yet, Stan?
Stan: No. I didn't, but-
Cartman: Buh- Don't worry. You'll get it someday. Come on, Kyle. Let's go see what kind of tampons they have here in Las Vegas. [he and Kyle walk off]
Jesus: Well, I tell you one thing. I sure as heck am excited. We've got about four hours to the new year, and so I think it's time to START IT UP! Ladies and gentlemen, as promised, Mr. Rod "Do You Think I'm Sexy?" Stewart! [the curtains open as Jesus steps aside. The nurse rolls Rod up to the mic and walks away as the band plays. The crowd has no reaction. The band pauses after a while, so Rod can sing]
Rod: O-o-oh. [the band riffs a bit] O-oh. [the band plays on. Jesus keeps time] O-o-o-oh. Be-eh-o-o-or. [Stan walks around and then sits on a curb, truly depressed. Rod continues to sing unintelligibly]
Jimbo: [disgusted] Whoa, man.
Rod: Oh. Uh pooped 'em. [the band resumes play as the nurse brings a bucket on stage and checks him out]
Mr. Garrison: This sucks balls!
Blonde: Yeah!
Man 7: Alright, enough of this! Bring out God!
Man 9: Yeah!
Jesus: Oh no.
Crowd: We want God! We want God! We want God!
Jesus: ["We want God"] Please, Father. Do something.
Crowd: We want God!
Jesus: [goes onstage again] Uh, folks, I'm afraid God can't make it tonight.
Randy: We came all the way to Las Vegas for this?!
Woman: This is the worst New Year's ever! Thanks a lot, Jesus!
Skeeter: Let's get him! [leads the charge to the stage]
Scene Description: Craig Netzel with some breaking news. The crowd has begun to riot.
Netzel: Well, Tom, I'm here live in Las Vegas in what is quickly becoming known as "the gayest party ever." Everyone is so outraged that they are building a large cross in which to once again crucify our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. [behind him, two men pop in and out of view. One holds a bat, the other runs back and forth. The man with the bat beats the other man down, but the other man pops up and continues running]
Stan: [goes onstage] Jesus, why does God hate me?
Jesus: Huh? He doesn't hate you, he hates me. He's gonna let me be crucified again.
Stan: He hates me more. He doesn't answer my prayers. I prayed to him every day and he never answered me.
Jesus: Well, yeah, but just because God doesn't answer your prayers doesn't mean he doesn't care about you.
Stan: Well then, why didn't he give me what I wanted?
Jesus: Well, God can't just answer every prayer and suddenly give you everything you want. That takes all the living out of life.
Stan: What do you mean?
Jesus: If God answered all our prayers, there'd be nothing left for us to do ourselves. Life is about problems, and overcoming those problems. [becomes reflective] A-and growing and learning from obstacles. If God just fixed everything for us, then there'd be no point in our existence. [realizes something] That's why he wouldn't show up to my New Year's party.
Stan: I just wanted my period.
Jesus: I get it now, Father. I had to learn all this on my own. [Skeeter and five other men bring a large cross in] I was overcome with my new popularity and, and I let pride get in the way of good judgment. [a bright light appears in the sky and descends towards the stage. The crowd gapes in awe]
Man: Whoa, what is that??
Jesus: [the light approaches him] It's Dad.
Fr. Maxi: God? God is going to show himself??
Woman: Look, I can see him. [the light begins to bathe the crowd]
Jesus: Father. You came.
God: Now look upon Me, My children, and know Me. [now the crowd is shocked] Be ye not afraid. [God is shown as some kind of short-legged squirrel, elephant, cat, hippopotamus hybrid] Blessed art thou, my children. [a man's party blower falls from his lips]
Randy: That's God?
Jesus: Yea, 'tis my Father, the Creator. He is the Alpha and the Omega. [a snake's tongue lashes out from God's mouth] The Beginning and the End.
Mr. Garrison: Well, yeah, but that??
God: What did you expect me to look like, My son?
Mr. Garrison: [thinks a moment] ...Well not like that!
God: Since it is the end of the first 2000 years, I will allow you, My children, to ask me one question.
Gerald: [next to Mr. Mackey] One question?
Mr. Mackey: Only one?
Sharon: What should we ask him?
Chef: We have to think carefully. We can ask him anything we want, like, "What's the meaning of life?" or "Why are we here?".
Stan: I have it. I have the question. [steps forth] Now you have to answer me once and for all! How come I haven't gotten my period yet?! [the crowd stands aghast]
God: [after a while] My child, you are a boy. Boys do not get periods. That's only for girls. Your friends were bleeding a little bit out of their asses because of an acute colon infection. And your friend Kyle simply lied about it.
Kyle: [exposed] How do know that?
God: You will hit puberty when the time is right. But you will never have a period, because you are a man - with titties. Thus spaketh the Lord. And now I return to heaven. [transforms into the light and returns the way he came]
Mr. Garrison: Hey, wait! That doesn't count as our question, does it??
God: I'll answer another on New Year's Eve, in the year 4000. [zips away]
Stan: Did you hear that everybody? I'm not even supposed to have my period; that's why God wasn't answering me before! [people look at him, annoyed] Boy, I'm sure everything worked out okay. [looks around] I guess now we can all celebrate the New Year, huh? Should auld acquaintance be forgot [end credits roll] And never brought to mind? Should auld acquaintance be forgot And auld lang syne? For auld lang syne, my dear, For auld lang syne...
Skeeter: Let's get him.
Stan: Let's have a cup o -Aaaa! [mayhem ensues as people riot, breaking wood and glass all around. A gunshot is heard, a couple of women scream, and the rioting goes on]


Scene Description: A promo is the first thing shown. Live-action shots throughout
Announcer: This Saturday, Pox presents the musical event of the new millennium! You all remember playing the recorder in elementary school! [a recorder resting on a book of sheet music is shown] Well, this Saturday in Oklahoma City [its skyline is shown], over 4 million third-grade students [a crowd of them is shown] from all over the country [a school bus full of students is shown] will gather in one place, and at the same time, play "My Country 'Tis Of Thee" on their recorders. [a girl is shown playing a white one] It's the largest third-grade recorder concert ever! [An elderly man instructs three students, one of them in a wheelchair] Special guest conductor Yoko Ono [pictured] and woodwind virtuoso Kenny G [pictured] will lead this fantastic event! This Saturday, at 11 Eastern / 10 Central. The world will be watching! [close-up of a small boy playing his recorder]
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day, Mr. Garrison's classroom. He rushes to the front of the class and stands next to a pull-down screen on which is projected "My Country 'Tis Of Thee"
Mr. Garrison: Okay children, we've still got some time to practice the song before we load up the bus and head out for Oklahoma.
Class: [groaning] Awww.
Mr. Garrison: Now, come on, there's gonna be over 4 million third-graders from all over the country there, and I wanna make sure South Park is the best! Okay?! [raises his baton] Recorders up. [the students set their recorders between their lips] And a-1 and a-2 and a- [the class begins to play the song. Some students play slow] "...of liberty." You're late! [the kids play faster, but are still off] "...my father-" What the hell was that?! [the students lower their recorders] God-damnit, I don't think you children have been working on your fingering!
Cartman: That's not true, Mr. Garrison: Kyle was working on his fingering with his mom all night long.
Kyle: [Kenny laughs] Shut up, fatass!
Cartman: Heh, heh. No, seriously. Kyle's mom says Kyle's getting really good at fingering, heh. [Kenny laughs so hard he falls off his seat]
Mr. Garrison: Shut up, Eric! There's gonna be 4 million children playing this song at the same time on their recorders, and, so help me God, South Park Elementary is not gonna be the only ones that don't know the song! Try again! Recorders up. [the students set their recorders between their lips] And a-1 and a-2 and a- [the class begins to play the song. Mr. Garrison genuflects and bangs his head against his desk. Mr. Mackey walks in, looking at this behavior]
Mr. Mackey: M'kay, that sounded great, kids. [Mr. Garrison looks up at him]
Mr. Garrison: [rising] Sure, if you like the sound of a peacock getting its neck broken.
Mr. Mackey: M'kay, kids. Uh, we have some news. Uh, there's been a terrible flood in Oklahoma, m'kay? So the 4-million-recorder-children's event is being moved to Arkansas.
Mr. Garrison: [close-up. He's suddenly scared] Arkansas?
Stan: What's Arkansas-is that a state?
Mr. Mackey: Eh, the trip shouldn't take any longer, but I'll hand out these updated contact sheets so that your parents will know where you are, m'kay? [hands them out. Craig reads his sheet.]
Mr. Garrison: Mr. Mackey, can I talk to you for a second?
Mr. Mackey: M'kay. [joins Mr. Garrison aside]
Mr. Garrison: Mr. Mackey, um... I can't go to Arkansas. Somebody's gonna have to fill in for me.
Mr. Mackey: What? We can't find anybody to fill in for you. Why can't you go to Arkansas?
Mr. Garrison: [wistfully] Arkansas is where I grew up. My parents live there-my [stifles a sob] ...father still lives there.
Mr. Mackey: Well, don't you want to see them?
Mr. Garrison: I haven't seen my father for 23 years.
Mr. Mackey: Uh, perhaps you should sit down, Mr. Garrison, m'kay? [walks him over to a chair and sits him down] Mr. Garrison, I know this is very difficult, m'kay, but I must ask: is there a history of sexual abuse in your family?
Mr. Garrison: ...Some, yes. There was my uncle, Richard. He... he molested me.
Mr. Mackey: When was that?
Mr. Garrison: Saturday. Last, last Saturday. He's a paraplegic, but it didn't-
Mr. Mackey: M'kay, eh, and your father? He molested you when you were a boy? [Mr. Garrison begins to cry] Mr. Garrison, I think, when we get to Arkansas, you need to see your father. You need to face this demon in your closet, m'kay?
Mr. Garrison: [turns away] Don't look at me! Uh, y'all go on your bastard trip and just- don't look at me! [hurries out of the classroom crying]
Cartman: That was pretty cool.
Mr. Mackey: M'kay.
Scene Description: The trip begins. Inside the bus, Mr. Mackey is up front reading a book, Mr. Garrison is in the very back opposite Terrence and the redhead
Cartman: [with recorder] Okay, how about this one, Kenny? [plays an A note]
Kenny: (Uh-uh.)
Cartman: No? How about this? [plays a G note]
Kenny: (Nope.)
Cartman: Hm, interesting. Let's see: how about this? [plays a Gb note. Kyle and Stan turn around on their seat]
Kyle: Cartman, what the hell are you doing?
Cartman: We're trying to find the brown noise-it's this one pitch, this certain frequency that makes people lose bowel control.
Stan: What's "lose bowel control?"
Cartman: That's a scientific term for crapping your pants.
Kyle: Oh, brother, here we go again. Cartman, there is not a sound frequency that makes people crap their pants!
Cartman: Yes there is! The French experimented with it in World War II!
Kyle: Nuh-uh!
Cartman: How about this one, Kenny? [plays an F note]
Kenny: (Nuh-uh.)
Kyle: There is no brown noise, fat boy!
Cartman: That's nice. When I find it I'll just make you crap yourself so you look like Karen Carpenter.
Stan: Who's Karen Carpenter?
Mr. Garrison: Aaaaaah! [apparently, he's seen a sign that reads: "Arkansas 410 miles. Rest Stop 5 miles"] Huhh, ohh, [the students and Mr. Mackey look back.]
Mr. Mackey: Mr. Garrison, are you alright?
Mr. Hat: Mr. Garrison isn't here right now.
Mr. Mackey: M'kay-Mr. Garrison, you're just having a hard time dealing with the memories of your father's sexual abuse, so you switch personalities to Mr. Hat, m'kay?
Mr. Hat: Oh, good one, Sherlock! You figure that out all by yourself?!
Mr. Mackey: M'kay-I think the best thing for Mr. Garrison to do is to go see his father.
Mr. Hat: No! No, you moron! [Mr. Mackey gets annoyed] Mr. Garrison can't let the memories end! Just leave us alone!
Mr. Mackey: M'kay! Mr. Hat, you need to let me talk to Mr. Garrison, m'kay?!
Mr. Hat: Why would he want to talk to a second-rate dopey-ass elementary-school psychologist?!
Mr. Mackey: What did you say?!
Mr. Hat: You heard me, jackass! There's monkeys that make better counselors than you!
Mr. Mackey: Why, you son of a bitch! [rips Mr. Hat from Mr. Garrison's hand and starts beating him up. Mr. Hat smacks Mr. Mackey down in front of Terrence, who looks aghast]
Stan: Whoa! Mr. Mackey and Mr. Hat are fighting. [the other students turn to see the fight]
Mr. Mackey: I'm gonna kick your ass, m'kay?! [resumes fighting Mr. Hat]
Students: [cheering] Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
Ms. Crabtree: BE QUIET BACK THERE!
Mr. Mackey: Yuh-NO! [panting, dirty and black-eyed, gets up and places Mr. Hat between Mr. Garrison's arms] You may have won this time, Mr. Hat.
Scene Description: The journey continues. The school bus and its passengers finally reach their destination - a large lot filled with buses and tents, and children
Mr. Mackey: M'kay, I want everyone to stay together, m'kay? Nobody move!
Coordinator: [a female with clipboard, walking up] School?
Mr. Mackey: Excuse me?
Coordinator: What school are you from?
Mr. Mackey: Oh, uh we're from South Park, Colorado?
Coordinator: Ssss, alright. South Park school, you go over there next to the kids from New York. [distracted by something away from the bus] Nono, don't put the Florida kids in the building! [moves away. The class walks past the New York children]
New York kid 1: [sitting on the bus's front right fender] Ey! Look at the little Eskimos in their freakin' hats and gloves.
New York kid 2: Yeah, huh? [they begin to snicker as the South Park kids look back]
New York kid 1: Whoa, look at this kid's coat. [Kenny's] Ey, kid. What's the matter-you a freakin' burn victim or somethin'? What? [the others laugh]
Kyle: [aside, to Stan] Who the hell are these guys?
New York kid 1: I didn't know they was invitin' rednecks to this event!
Stan: We're not rednecks!
Kyle: Yeah! That's Texas, butthole!
New York kid 1: Oh yeah? Well, you look like a bunch of queefs to me, huh?! [the other New Yorkers laugh]
Cartman: [aside, to Stan, softly] Stan, what's a queef?
Kyle: Kenny?
Kenny: (I don't know!)
New York kid 1: Oh, brother! You guys don't even know what a queef is, huh?!
Cartman: Of course we know what a queef is, you queef!
Black kid: [wearing EKKO shirt] Oh yeah? Well, what is it, then?!
Cartman: Aaaa-
Stan: Why?! Don't you know?!
New York kid 1: Are all redneck queefs from Colorado as stupid as youse?!
Kyle: Alright, dickhole! [feedback is heard, and all look to the source]
Coordinator: [on bullhorn] I need everyone's attention, please! We will now all be moving in an orderly fashion to our assigned hotels. Please follow your group leader to check in.
New York kid 1: [as South Park leaves] Yeah see ya later, queefs! [at least Stan and Kyle are pissed off. They look angry as they look at each other]
Scene Description: Roman Holiday Inn, night. The four boys share a room with two beds. They sit amid stacks of books looking for information
Kyle: Ungh, I can't find the word "queef" anywhere! [drops his book]
Stan: [reading another book] Well keep looking! We gotta find out what it means before we see those New Yorker kids again!
Kyle: Well, let's try the dictionary. [picks it up] queasy, Quebec, queen quelch. No queef.
Stan: Damnit! [closes his book]
Cartman: [reading another book, jumps for joy] Hey, I found it, you guys! I found it!
Stan: You did? [the other three gather around]
Kyle: What's it mean?! What's it mean?!
Cartman: I told you guys! Here it is, right here. "The brown noise."
Kyle: Awwgh!
Stan: Damnit Cartman, wha-?!
Cartman: "An oscillation of sound that causes the bowels to loosen." See? That means crap your pants. "The brown noise is believed to be 92 cents below the lowest octave of Eb." What does that mean?
Stan: Who cares? We have to find out what queef means! Keep reading! [he and the other two return to their books and read on]
Scene Description: Garrison's home town, night. He walks to his former home, his parents' house, in the rain
Mr. Garrison: [on the walkway, sighs] I can do this. I have to do this. [approaches the door and rings the bell. His father answers] Hello. Dad.
Mr. Garrison Sr.: Oh, hello, son.
Mr. Garrison: Can I ...come in?
Mr. Garrison Sr.: Ub. Sure, of course. [Mr. Garrison enters] Your mom's out at Bridge Night. You want a beer or somethin'?
Mr. Garrison: No. I don't think that will solve any of our problems, though you seem to think it did.
Mr. Garrison Sr.: Uh, what?
Mr. Garrison: I have a lot of demons that I need to face, father. I need to know some things.
Mr. Garrison Sr.: Uh, okay, like what?
Mr. Garrison: Alright, alright, let's just cut right to it! [sighs] I've come to ask you about the sexual abuse, dad!
Mr. Garrison Sr.: What??
Mr. Garrison: I have to know why! Right here and now-we're gonna talk about this!
Mr. Garrison Sr.: What the hell are you talking about?! I never sexually abused you!
Mr. Garrison: I know! I wanna know why not?!
Mr. Garrison Sr.: WHAT??
Mr. Garrison: Was it that I was ugly?!
Mr. Garrison Sr.: Oh, my God! [turns around]
Mr. Garrison: I wasn't good enough for you! Was that it, Dad?!
Mr. Garrison Sr.: Well, NO!! [walks away, but his son rushes up to grab him]
Mr. Garrison: Sure, you can go off and screw any whore on Wyland Street, but when it came to your own son you were just too busy! [runs off crying. Mr. Garrison Sr. can only express shock.]
Scene Description: The 4 Million Child Blow 2000 lot, next day. Looks like the 4 million kids are assembled
Coordinator: [Onstage] Alright, everyone, quiet please! There are over 4 million of you, so we must have quiet! At this time I would like to introduce the woman who is making this all possible, Yoko Ono! [motions for Yoko to enter]
Yoko Ono: Please [orates 20 seconds of incomprehensible, imitation, Japanese-accented English]... sing song "My Country 'Tis of Thee."
Coordinator: You heard her, We'll start the rehearsal in a few minutes.
Stan: Those New Yorker kids are gonna be here any second, and we still don't know what queef means.
Kyle: Well, we can still pre-tend like we know what it means.
Stan: No, they'll catch on. Hey, wait a minute. I've got a great idea. Let's make up our own word. We can make up a word, and then use it, ...and then they'll act like they know it, and then we'll bust 'em.
Kyle: Yeah. That'll make 'em look stupid!
Stan: What word could we make up?
Kyle: How about... finkleroy?
Stan: No, uhno, not finkleroy.
Cartman: How about geebo, or, or mung?
Stan: Yeah, mung.
Kyle: Mung's good.
Stan: Sh. Here they come. [the New Yorkers arrive]
New York kid 1: Well hel-lo there, queefs. All bundled up nice and warm, are we?
Stan: You know what you guys are? You guys are nothing but mung?
New York kid 2: We're not mung. You're mung.
Kyle: Oh, so you know what mung means, hunh?
New York kid 1: Of course we know what mung means!
Athlete: Yeah, D'ya think we wouldn't know what mung means? [Stan laughs, then Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny join in]
Stan: We busted you!
Kyle: Hyeh. Yeah. Mung isn't even a word! We made it up! [they resume laughing]
New York kid 1: You guys are even stupider than I thought! Mung is so a word!
Stan: [the boys stop laughing] It is?
New Yorkers: [behind the two toughs and two others] Yeah. [they turn around]
Athlete: It sure is.
New Yorker 1: Yeah.
New Yorker 2: Uh huh. [turns around]
New York kid 1: Yeah! Mung is the stuff that comes out when you push down on a pregnant woman's stomach.
Kyle: [winces] Eewww.
Stan: Ooogh.
New York kid 1: You guys didn't know that? [the rest of the New Yorkers turn around and they all laugh. Then, the rest of the 4 million+ kids laugh with them] Come on, guys. Let's get away from these rednecks before we get redneckasitis, or somethin'! [they leave. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny turn on Cartman]
Stan: You dumbass, Cartman!
Kyle: Yeah! Next time you make up a word, don't make up one that already exists!
Scene Description: The Garrison residence, day. Mrs. Garrison Sr. and her son are sipping coffee on the sofa
Mrs. Garrison Sr.: It's so nice to see you, son. I'm so proud that you're part of the 4 Million Child Recorder Blow.
Mr. Garrison: Yes. I hope it's okay if I stay here a few nights, Mother, I... I have some things I really need to talk to you about.
Mrs. Garrison Sr.: About what?
Mr. Garrison: [set his cup down and sighs] Mother, did you know that ...Dad... never sexually molested me?
Mrs. Garrison Sr.: That... that can't be.
Mr. Garrison: He never did, Mom, not once.
Mrs. Garrison Sr.: [stands] That's not true! Your father loved you! Often!
Mr. Garrison: [stands] He never did, Mom! And I think you knew he never did!
Mrs. Garrison Sr.: [cups her ears and shuts her eyes, spilling her coffee] Nohoho! No! If I knew I would have made him do it!
Mr. Garrison: You stood by and let it happen! You saw him come home drunk and then just go right to sleep!
Mrs. Garrison Sr.: I'm not listening!
Mr. Garrison: Face it, Mother. He never abused me! [his mom starts to cry, and his dad enters the room carrying groceries]
Mr. Garrison Sr.: Uh, what's goin' on?
Mr. Garrison: Mother won't hear the truth!
Mrs. Garrison Sr.: He says you didn't molest him as a child!
Mr. Garrison Sr.: Ah-I didn't! You knew I didn't!
Mrs. Garrison Sr.: No! I didn't know! [cups her ears and shuts her eyes again] I'm not listening!
Mr. Garrison: You can't close your eyes forever, Mother! [she walks away, crying] Mother, wait! [runs after her. Again, Mr. Garrison Sr. is shocked]
Scene Description: The 4 Million Child Blow 2000 lot, later. Kenny G has joined Yoko Ono and the coordinator onstage
Yoko Ono: [Speaks in imitation, harshly thick, Japanese-accented English] Alright people, how many people has a copy. We must have-a practiced the ... song for the performance tomorrow, please.
Coordinator: Okay, children. We need to play closer attention to the sheet music. Remember, if you get lost, just follow along with Mr. Kenny G here.
Cartman: Hey, that's it, Kenny. Maybe Kenny G can show us where 92 cents below the lowest Eb is. Then we'll know the brown noise.
Kenny: (Yeah.)
Yoko Ono: And-a one gop seven to-sand ... [the children begin to play, and she covers her ears in agony] O-o-o-o. Stop! Stop ... beh goos sa buh got pee you got dere. That was-a terrify! That was-a horri-bee! What we gonna do?!
Kyle: What the hell is that lady talking about?
Stan: I have no idea.
Scene Description: The Garrison gas station. Used to be Garrison and Son, but since Mr. Garrison left, the "Son" has been crossed out. Mr. Mackey walks up to Mr. Garrison Sr., who is changing the oil on a car on blocks
Mr. Mackey: [bends down and looks in] Uh, Mr. Garrison, Sr.?
Mr. Garrison Sr.: Thuh, that's me.
Mr. Mackey: Uh, my name is Mr. Mackey. I'm your school counselor, m'kay.
Mr. Garrison Sr.: [slides out and rises] What can I do for ya?
Mr. Mackey: Uh-I wanna talk to you about your son-I'm his n-therapist, m'kay.
Mr. Garrison Sr.: Uh, brother! Look, I didn't sexually abuse my son when he was younger!
Mr. Mackey: Eh, you didn't?
Mr. Garrison Sr.: No! He's upset because I didn't molest him!
Mr. Mackey: Oh. Hm. Uh, I guess that's a little different.
Mr. Garrison Sr.: A little, yeah! He thinks if I don't molest him it means I don't love him.
Mr. Mackey: Well, now, uh, what's he supposed to think, Mr. Garrison? I mean, uh, look at all the media, all the magazine ads and television ads talkin' about "sexual molestation", m'kay? He sees all that and assumes you didn't molest him because of some flaw in his looks or personality.
Mr. Garrison Sr.: I didn't do it because it's wrong!
Mr. Mackey: I know, I know, but I'm afraid this problem has run very deep through Mr. Garrison's mental state. I'm worried that if... you don't do something, well it could kill him.
Mr. Garrison Sr.: Hold on a second: are you actually suggesting that I have sex with my 41-year-old son?!
Mr. Mackey: There comes a time in every father's life when he must ask himself, "How far will I go to save my son's life?"
Mr. Garrison Sr.: Well, I won't have sex with him!
Mr. Mackey: Well, I've said all I can say. [walks away, then turns] I know it's difficult, but... family... is about compromises. m'kay? [walks away, then turns] Don't lose your son over this, Mr. Garrison. [emphasizes each syllable] Don't lose... your son, m'kay? [walks out of the station]
Mr. Garrison Sr.: Am I the only sane person left on earth?!
Scene Description: The Garrison residence, night. Mr. Garrison Sr. is now seated in his armchair watching television. News item:
Reporter: Tomorrow the whole world will be tuning in as over 4 million children play "My Country 'Tis Of Thee" on their recorders. [Mr. Garrison walks to the stairs behind his father, but stops to watch the report] It is by far the largest gathering of little plastic recorders in human history. Yoko Ono has...
Mr. Garrison: Well, Mom said I could sleep in the guest room tonight. Good night, Dad.
Mr. Garrison Sr.: Good night. [Yoko Ono finishes rambling incoherently]
Reporter: Words to live by.
Mr. Garrison: [pause] Guess I'll just... go on up to bed now.
Mr. Garrison Sr.: Uh huh.
Mr. Garrison: [pause] Now, I don't really have any pajamas-guess I'll just... sleep in my boxers or something.
Mr. Garrison Sr.: [flatly] Should be fine.
Mr. Garrison: [pause] Uh I'll leave the door open a little in case you ...need to see me about anything.
Mr. Garrison Sr.: Won't be necessary.
Mr. Garrison: [steps up, then turns again] I'll just... be going up to bed now. [pause] Gueh... guess maybe I won't even wear those boxers.
Mr. Garrison Sr.: I'm not going to molest you!
Mr. Garrison: You don't love me! [runs upstairs crying] I wanna die!
Mr. Garrison Sr.: God-damnit! [pounds the arms of the chair with his fists, then rises and goes out the door.]
Scene Description: Roman Holiday Inn, night.
Stan: I wish we could find a way to get back at those New Yorker kids.
Kyle: Yeah. They think they're so cool.
Cartman: [rushing into the room with Kenny wearing earmuffs] You guys! You guys! We found it! We found it, you guys!
Kyle: Calm down, Cartman.
Stan: You found what?
Cartman: The brown noise! Kenny and me found the brown noise! Here, look! Look. [places some earmuffs on Stan's head] There, okay. Let's see here. [places some earmuffs on Kyle and rushes back to his side of the room] Right there. Okay. Okay. Ready, Kenny?
Kenny: (Ready.) [Stan and Kyle look at each other and Cartman plays a fat bass note. Kenny farts] (Oh, [farts] shiiit. Damnit! Cartman, I've got to go to the bathroom! [bawling])
Stan: [incredulous, removes his earmuffs] No way.
Kyle: [removes his earmuffs] I don't believe it!
Cartman: [removes his earmuffs] Um, seriously, you guys! Come on, watch. [leads them outside where a UPS delivery man is offloading packages, and the three put on their earmuffs. He whispers] Okay. [plays that bass note again]
Delivery man: [farts] Whoa- Oh, my God! [grabs his belly and lets loose a long fart] Aaww, I crapped my pants! [rushes away with a brown stain on the seat of his pants. The boys remove their earmuffs]
Kyle: That's amazing.
Cartman: I told you guys!
Stan: [to Kyle] Dude, are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Cartman: That they should bring back Chicago Hope for another season? Totally.
Stan: No! That we could use the brown noise to get back at those asshole New Yorker kids.
Cartman: Ooooh.
Kyle: Yeah, dude!
Cartman: They should bring back another season of Chicago Hope though, seriously.
Scene Description: Night, the Arkansas Bar. Mr. Garrison Sr. sits by himself at the bar sipping a glass of beer while others around him chatter. A man in blue shirt approaches him
Patron 1: Ey, what's the matter there, Garrison? You look kinda sad.
Mr. Garrison Sr.: Well, I'm having some troubles at home.
Patron 1: Well, come on. Tell us about it. We always help each other out, don't we, fellas?
Patron 2: [with mustache] Yeah.
Patron 3: [with goatee] Yeah, that's right.
Patron 1: Yeah.
Mr. Garrison Sr.: All right. It's just that... I mean... We're all family men here, right?
Patron 2: Sure!
Patron 3: Yeah we are!
Blond: [at a table] I am. I know that.
Mr. Garrison Sr.: Well, can I ask you guys a difficult question?
Patron 1: Absolutely.
Patron 2: Of course.
Patron 4: Yeah, man.
Patron 5: Come on, Garrison!
Mr. Garrison Sr.: Alright. Would you have sex with your son to save his life? [the others ponder the question]
Patron 2: ...Oh, this is one of them Scruples questions, ain't it?
Patron 1: Nono, I got a better one: Would you have sex with your mother... to save your father's life?
Patrons: [wondering] Wooo, yeah.
Patron 2: Oh, like if someone had a gun to your father's head and said, "Have sex with your mother or else I'll shoot him"?
Patron 1: Yeah.
Patron 2: Oh, that's a tough one.
Patron 3: Hmmm.
Mr. Garrison Sr.: No no wait, uh, you don't understand.
Blond: How about if someone made you have sex with your mother and father to save your own life?
Patrons: No, no, no way. No.
Patron 6: But if it was to save my mother's life, uh-I think I would have to have sex with my father.
Patron 7: Yeup.
Patron 8: Me, too.
Patron 9: Well, I think that goes without saying.
Mr. Garrison Sr.: Weh actually, I'm just... talking about a... son.
Patron 8: Well, personally, I would have sex with my son to save to save my mother's life. It depends, uh- how big a gun are we talkin' here?
Mr. Garrison Sr.: Uh, he doesn't have a gun.
Blond: The father doesn't have a gun?
Mr. Garrison Sr.: No! Nobody's got a gun!
Patron 3: I think if someone said, "Have sex with your mother or else I'm gonna kill your son," but he didn't have a gun, I wouldn't do it.
Patron 2: He could have a knife, though.
Patron 1: Yeah.
Patron 3: Sure.
Patron 1: Yeah, a knife.
Bartender: If a killer put a knife to my throat, and said, "Have sex with your father or else I'm gonna kill your mother while having sex with you," ...I would have sex with myself.
Patron 1: ...Yeah, I would [Mr. Garrison Sr. gets up and heads out the door]
Patron 2: That's right.
Patron 3: Uh huh.
Bartender: That makes sense.
Patron 10: Mm-hm.
Patron 1: Wasn't that right?
Patron 3: Mm, See?
Scene Description: Roman Holiday Inn, night. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman are back in their room reading the sheet music
Stan: How do we write the note, Cartman?
Cartman: Lowest Eb, let's see. I think it looks like this. [shows it to them on his book]
Stan: Alright. Now all we do is wipe out the last note on their sheet music, and change it to the note Cartman played. [makes the change] Come on. [the boys leave their room again and head for the New York room.] There. [tapes the music to the door. Kyle sticks a small yellow Post-It note saying "Revised Music for Tomorrow" onto the music] That should do it.
Cartman: Sweet. I can't wait to see them crap their pants in front of everybody, you guys.
Stan: Okay, let's get back to the room. [the three walk off]
Coordinator: [arrives and sees the change] What's this?? [looks more closely at it] "Revised Music for Tomorrow"?? Chip, did you get revised music for tomorrow??
Chip: What??
Coordinator: Ms. Ono has made revisions again! We've got to get these copied 4 million times and make the revisions to the projected music! Come on! Hurry! [hurries away.]
Scene Description: The Garrison residence, later. Mr. Garrison is asleep in the guest room, which used to be his room. The back door rustles and he wakes up. Footsteps are heard
Mr. Garrison: [sighs, then softly] Dad? [the door opens to reveal his dad's shadow.] Pop, I'm just fast asleep-I'm not hearing anything. [the shadow moves closer and closer...]
Scene Description: The Garrison residence, later. Exterior shot. Energetic motion is heard inside
Mr. Garrison: [ecstatic] Oh! Oh! Oh, Dad! Oh, goodness gracious, uh! Oh, stop Dad, stop! Whahawah, whah, how could you-hoo?!
Scene Description: The Garrison residence, morning. Mr. Garrison is at the front door with his luggage
Mr. Garrison: [well-rested and confident] Well, Mom, Dad, I guess I'd better be going. The concert is gonna start soon.
Mrs. Garrison Sr.: Are you sure you can't stay one more night, son?
Mr. Garrison: No, I... think all my work here is done. Dad, I... don't know what to say; I feel closer to you than I ever have.
Mr. Garrison Sr.: Well, I just hope that NOW we can put the past behind us and, and try to be a normal family again.
Mr. Garrison: We sure can! Well, I've got a worldwide-telecast recorder concert to get to.
Mrs. Garrison Sr.: We'll be watching on TV. Make us proud, son.
Mr. Garrison: I will. [hugs each parent] Good-bye, Mom! Good-bye, Dad! [turns and heads cheerfully out the door] Gray skies are gonna clear up; put on a happy face...
Mrs. Garrison Sr.: You did the right thing, Poppa.
Mr. Garrison Sr.: I didn't do squat! [goes inside and opens a door behind which is Kenny G] Here you go, a hundred bucks. [hands Kenny G the money]
Kenny G: Oh, that's okay. Keep your money. Thanks. [walks out and away]
Scene Description: The concert is introduced. Live-action shots throughout
Announcer: Live, from Oklahoma City! [its skyline is shown] Four million third-grade students [a crowd of them is shown] from all over the country [a school bus full of students is shown] playing "My Country 'Tis Of Thee" on their recorders... "MY COUNTRY 'TIS OF THEE" special.
Scene Description: The 4 Million Child Blow 2000 lot, concert day. The 4 million are assembled. Yoko Ono and Kenny G take the stage
Stan: Dude, I can't wait 'til those New Yorker kids play the brown noise and crap their pants.
Kyle: We have to watch them! We can't miss it!
Kenny G: Are we all ready to play? [almost whispering] Thanks. Okay. [loudly] Let's see the music! [the music pops up on the stage wall]
Kyle: This is gonna be sweet!
Stan: Oh no, dude. Look! [the projected music is shown] It's the music we changed! [the camera zooms in on the changed note]
Cartman: Uh-oh. [Kenny finally shows up]
Kyle: Dude, if 4 million people play the brown noise at the same time-
Yoko Ono: One, two, sign paytah. [Kenny G starts the tune, then the children join in]
Stan, Kyle, Kenny, Cartman: No! [they rush towards the stage. The other kids continue playing]
Stan: Stop! Stop! [he and the other three are near the stage...]
Mr. Mackey: Uh, aren't those our boys?
Mr. Garrison: Oh, no. What are they doing?
Stan, Kyle, Kenny, Cartman: Noooo!!! [some of the kids part for them, but the end of the song arrives.]
Scene Description: The kids play the brown noise, Kenny G and Yoko Ono double over in pain. The camera zooms out for a view of the state of Arkansas, then of North America, as people begin to groan. Shots of Beijing and Paris follow, with their citizens grabbing their asses in pain. A shot of Earth follows, then static. New York City is then shown in flames. An ambulance speeds by as people scream
Reporter: [soberly] Tom, I'm standing in New York City, but it could just as well be any town on Earth right now. The desolation, the damage is exactly the same in every city the whole world over. It's been just under 20 hours since everyone on Earth pooped their pants, and people still roam their damaged homes with disbelief, and loss. Rick?
Rick: [A cleanup crew is shown at work, and the camera pans over to the reporter] Alan, I'm standing at ground zero. Here, the damage is greater than anywhere. [the stage and the lot are bare, except for poop everywhere] Like the rest of the world, everyone here has crapped their pants. Some [Kenny lies dead with rats nibbling on him] crapped themselves to death. And still others ...ruined perfectly good pairs of pants. A nation mourns and tries to rebuild, but the big question that remains is, "How did this happen?" [Stan, Kyle, and Cartman walk by, whistling]
Kenny G.: Well, I see. Other than making everyone in the world crap their pants, our event went over really well.
Yoko Ono: [Chattering quickly in comical Asian-accented English] Wery well?! Wery well?! You're gonna be on Ricki Lake, I tell you again! Look at ad a bah godda circada she doin wery well?!
Mr. Mackey: [the school buses are ready to take all the third graders back to their homes] Alright, come on, everybody. We've got a long bus ride back to Colorado, m'kay? [Stan, Kyle, and Cartman come into view and stop]
Kyle: Well, that whole experience sure did suck.
Stan: Yeah, but you know? I learned something today. We were so worried about how cool we looked to those New Yorker kids that we forgot: we're already totally cool, even if we don't know what queef means. [Kyle and Cartman grin]
Mr. Mackey: [passing by behind them] Uh, queef is a vaginal expulsion of gas, m'kay. [the boys look afraid to know]
Kyle: Huh?
New York kid 1: [stopping by with two others] Here they are!
New York kid 2: Yeah!
Stan: [to Kyle] Oh, brother. Let's just get out of here.
New York kid 1: Ey! Not so fast! We know it was you guys that changed the music and made everyone on Earth crap their pants!
Stan: Uuuuh...
New York kid 2: Yeah, we knows all about it!
Kyle: Oh, no!
New York kid 1: Yeah. Me and the guys, well we was talking, and well, well we just want you to know that we think you're pretty cool.
Kyle: Huh?
Stan: You do?
New York kid 1: Sure. I mean, everyone on Earth shit themselves 'cause of you. And that's pretty cool. I mean, that's pretty amazing!
New York kid 2: Yeah, we was wrong about you guys. We're sorry.
Cartman: Well, that's fine, that's fine. Next time, just remember that we're all pretty cool on the Westside, too, if you know what I'm saying, 'kay?
New York kid 1: Yeah. See you guys later. [the three New Yorkers leave]
Mr. Garrison: Come on, boys. You're holdin' up the bus. [the boys get on and Kenny G stops by] Oh, wow, look. It's Kenny G himself. Thank you for a wonderful concert, Mr. G.
Kenny G: Huhuh, good- good-bye. [hugs and kisses him]
Mr. Garrison: M-m-m. [Kenny G releases and walks away] Oh, well, thank you! [steps towards the bus, then stops] You know, it's funny: you kiss just like my dad. [steps into the bus and faces the driver] Well, Ms. Crabtree, this certainly has been a great trip. Let's head home.
Ms. Crabtree: Which way should we go?
Mr. Garrison: Second star to the right, and straight on 'til morning. [Ms. Crabtree starts the bus and drives as day fades into night. It goes over a rise and blinks out of view.]