Scene Description: Netflix headquarters, day. The President of Netflix is talking to some prospects.
Netflix President: Welcome to Netflix. [smiles] Last year we approved 16 original shows and movies; and this year, it is our goal to make that number 1,087. That's why we here at Netflix are thrilled to be working with you two comedy geniuses, Terrance & Phillip. [Terrance & Phillip are shown, now as elderly gentlemen. Terrance raises his left leg slowly and lets out a wet fart. The president laughs and claps] Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Classic stuff. Now go ahead and pitch what you're thinking for your Netflix original series.
Terrance: Well, we were thinkin' that we'd do a show where Phillip and I are on a farm... with a cow.
President: [still enthused] Okay, I love it so far.
Terrance: [slowly] The sun is just starting to come up and then... I fart on Phillip.
Phillip: [slowly] And I say, "Terrance, you farted," and I fart on Terrance.
President: And it's like a back and forth kind of thing? It's sort of like a-?
Phillip: [slowly] It's like a back and forth kind of thing. I fart on him, he farts on...
President: On you. Got it!
Phillip: No! On the cow. [they both laugh]
President: Welcome to Netflix, you sons of bitches. YEAH!
Terrance & Phillip: Hooray!
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The kids are at their lockers switching out books. Other kids run by, causing a commotion. Craig and Tweek run by Stan holding hands.
Craig: Come on, Tweek. Hurry!
Stan: What's going on?
Tweek: [running by] Cartman and his girlfriend are fighting again. [Stan closes his locker door and joins the others. They get to the actual fight, where Heidi throws punches at Cartman]
Cartman: Oh. Uh. Oh. Ugh! Goddamn! [he punches her once] Oh. Sweetheart!
Heidi: Piece of shit! [punches him four times, he grunts as he gets hit]
Cartman: Honey, I wanna watch Terrance & Phillip with my friends!
Heidi: You promised we'd have a date night! [punches him twice]
Cartman: It's just one night, babe. Stan is having a viewing party, honey. [punches her once]
Heidi: So then why can't I come?
Cartman: Terrance & Phillip is a guys' night thing, baby.
Kyle: [arrives to separate them] Uh, hey, hey, hey! What the hell are you all doing?
Wendy: Watching Heidi get her bitch-ass kicked!
Heidi: Fuck you, Wendy!
Craig: Don't take that crap, Heidi! Let Cartman have it!
Kyle: Guys! Guys, this has gone on way too long. Can't we all stop being so mean to each other? [a moment of reflection around the crowd]
Heidi: Shut up, Kyle. You sound like your mom. [everyone laughs]
Cartman: Th- that was awesome, baby. I love you. [reaches out and takes her hand]
Heidi: I love you too, babe.
Kids: Awww. [disappointed, everyone disperses]
Craig: Dammit.
Butters: Fight's over. Kyle ruined it. [Kyle is left all alone in the hallway]
Scene Description: The school gym, assembly. PC Principal addresses the kids.
PC Principal: Alright everyone, listen up. As you know, there's been a lot of bullying and insensitivity at our school. To counteract this, it is my firm belief that South Park Elementary is in desperate need of s a strong woman. So in looking for a new vice principal, we wanted to find a powerful, intelligent, and independent female to be a role model for us all. And with that said, I'd like to introduce our new vice principal, Strong Woman. [claps, then hands the mic to her as she walks up]
Strong Woman: Thank you, PC Principal. Alright everyone, listen up. I'm the new vice principal of this school. My name is Strong Woman. I've already spent a few days here at the school watching and observing and we definitely have things we can all be working on. [at this point, Butters is whispering something in Clyde's ear]
PC Principal: [snatches the mic from Strong Woman's hand] Hey! Stotch! You do not disrespect Strong Woman by talking when she's talking!
Strong Woman: You really think I couldn't have handled that? Myself?
PC Principal: Oh. Uh, I was just making sure everything was uh-
Strong Woman: You really had to grab the mic out of my hand like that?
PC Principal: Shit. I mean, no, sorry, sorry, I'm not u-, uh, here you go. [hands the mic back to her]
Strong Woman: I want the girls here at this school to know that they can talk to me about anything, but I also want the boys to know what I'm looking for is a better place for everybody. [walks forward a bit] Turning this school around is going to take work from everyone.
PC Principal: From everyone!
Strong Woman: [glances back at him] Sorry, am I not doing this correctly?
PC Principal: No. NO! Sorry, I thought I'd... add, just add for emphasis.
Strong Woman: You felt it wasn't strong enough? Me just saying it?
PC Principal: No-I, I'm... Uh, I'm sorry.
Strong Woman: [sighs, turns back to students] I'm looking forward to being your vice principal, and I'm looking forward to turning this school around.
PC Principal: [moves up] Alright, now if we have any q-
Strong Woman: I'm not finished!
PC Principal: [backs up] Right, right, uh, I'm sorry. Every- pay attention everybody!
Scene Description: The Terrance & Phillip Show. As the announcers speak, the logos come up.
Announcer 1: It's the Terrance & Phillip Sho-o-ow.
Announcer 2: On Netflix. [the camera pans down to the duo. Terrance holds a pitchfork]
Phillip: Hey Terrance, what did the black lawyer say to the Muslim priest?
Terrance: I don't know, Phillip. What? [Phillip climbs up a three-step ladder, turns around, and farts on Terrance. They laugh at each other. The kids watching at Stan's living room laugh at them, but Kyle looks rather disinterested. The doorbell rings]
Stan: Come in!
Cartman: [walks in with Heidi] Did we miss it?
Stan: It's just starting.
Heidi: Oh look, honey. Kyle's mom is here. Shouldn't you be at temple, Ms. Broflovski? [Kyle is shocked as the others laugh]
Canadian Mexican: [walks into view] Hola. Would you like to buy some chimichangas?
Terrance: Si, mi amigo. [climbs onto the hay bale next to him as Phillip goes up the stepladder] Here, I'll give you two pesos. [he and Phillip take turns farting on the vendor. The kids in Stan's living room laugh]
Heidi: Dude, that's awesome.
Stan: [notices Kyle isn't laughing] What, what's wrong, dude.
Kyle: For the first time I feel kind of bad for the person being farted on.
Heidi: Uf, Kyle's mom doesn't like the cartoon, guys. Better shut it off. [everyone laughs]
Cartman: Baby, I fuckin' love you so much.
Scene Description: South Park Elementary faculty room, day. PC Principal has called a faculty meeting.
PC Principal: Alright, everyone. Listen up. As you all know, we've been looking for a strong woman to take on the role of vice principal at this school. We couldn't be happier with the selection we've made and we're sure she'll be making our school a better place. So with that let me turn over the floor to our new vice principal, Strong Woman. [applause all around]
Strong Woman: Thanks everyone. Alright, listen up. [gathers her papers up] I fully appreciate that some of you might be uncomfortable with me being here. Earlier today, I noticed that some faculty weren't sure whether to call me "Miss Woman" or just "Strong." If I were a man, you'd probably address me as Vice Principal Woman, so why should it be any different, huh? We good?
Mr. Mackey: Uhm'kay.
Strong Woman: So I've been getting to know some of the students here and I'm definitely hearing a lot of frustration and confusion over issues that all the schools are facing right now. I also spent some time observing in the cafeteria and was pretty shocked by the abusive and intolerant language. [as she speaks, Hootie & The Blowfish's "Hold My Hand" begins to play in PC Principal's head] Not sure if any of you have noticed, but a lot of the girls are eating their lunches out on the playground to avoid being around the toxic environment that's been created. It's my intention to make the cafeteria... P.E. class is another huge problem at this school. The girls' gym outfits seem not to have been updated since the '60s. We have a lot of work to do here. I intend to do it quickly. [in PC Principal's mind, everything around her fades out and all he sees is her against a pink background with hearts everywhere, soon replaced by flowers and leaves, then a blue sky with clouds]
Mr. Mackey: Excuse me uh, I'm sorry, but uh, is anyone else hearing Hootie & The Blowfish like, very very softly?
Substitute Teacher: Yeah, yeah, I hear it.
Strong Woman: [rises and walks towards PC Principal] It's, it's coming from over here somewhere.
PC Principal: E-excuse me everyone, I um, I need to get to the restroom. Sorry, I'll be right back. [rushes out the door, and the song disappears with him]
Scene Description: The playground, recess. Kyle is on his iPhone lookiing at YouTube videos of Terrance & Phillip over the years. First is a teen Terrance farting on Cher on the Soony & Cher Show, then a teen Phillip farts and sits on Sonny. Next is a video of Terrance & Phillip farting on a deer, then one of Terrance & Phillip farting on a woman and her dog, then one of Terrance farting on a News Canada reporter, then one of Terrance & Phillip farting on a woman and her baby. A song comes up, reminiscent of Michael Jackson's "Man In The Mirror".
The Preacher: Therefore what God hath joined together let no man [Terrance farts on the preacher] Oh! [the duo laugh. Kyle just gets off the merry-go-round and walks off campus. He walks onto a small stone bridge, where he looks at his reflection on the water below. He then leaves the bridge and goes home to look at his reflection on full-length mirror in his room. He takes off his jacket and hangs it up]
Michael Jackson: That's it. That's it, Kyle. [Kyle takes off his Terrance & Phillip T-shirt and puts it away is his trash can, then goes to his dresser to pull out a baby blue shirt and puts it on. He then goes to the vanity mirror, takes off his hat, and gives himself a haircut] No more. No more of them doody jokes. [he leaves the bathroom and goes back to the mirror in his room] No more watching cartoons of people, people having go doody. [he checks himself out on the mirror] And poo-pooing on each other's heads. [he puts on his jacket and hat back on] It's not funny anymore, is it, Kyle? [he checks himself out once more]
Scene Description: Dr. Gauche's office, day. PC Principal has gone in to have his hearing checked. Hootie & The Blowfish is still in his head. The doctor walks in.
Doctor: Hello there, misterr... Principal, is it?
PC Principal: That's right, I'm PC Principal.
Doctor: Hm what's bringing you in today?
PC Principal: I'm uh... having this problem with my ears. There's like a persistent kind of ahh ringing going on.
Doctor: [checking the right ear canal with a scope] O-kay, can you describe the ringing?
PC Principal: It's um, Hootie & The Blowfish.
Doctor: You're hearing a song? [walks to the other side to check out the left eat canal]
PC Principal: Yeah, uh, ahem, there's a new woman that has joined our faculty. Her name is Strong Woman, and uh, she seems to have set off some kind of device in my ears.
Doctor: So maybe you're having some feelings for her.
PC Principal: No, that couldn't be it. We work in the same place, so it would be impossible for me to like her. I'm thinking there's some sort of device in my ears.
Doctor: Well, I looked, and Hootie & The Blowfish aren't in your ears. I believe you're hearing them in your mind and your heart.
PC Principal: Oh, dude. Bro.
Scene Description: Vice Principal Strong Woman's office, day. Kyle stands outsdie the office door. To one side are "What is Gender" pamphlets for boys and girls separately. Kyle knocks on the door.
Strong Woman: You may enter. [Kyle walks in and sees her putting her books in order]
Kyle: Vice Principal Woman?
Strong Woman: Yes? [sits at her desk] What can I do for you?
Kyle: My name's Kyle, and I've been doing a lot of changing lately. I came because I might be able to offer some... insight into our problem here.
Strong Woman: Please, by all means.
Kyle: You see, there's a culture at this school that embraces meanness, and I believe now that it comes from a Canadian TV show. All the boys watch it. I did too. We all laughed while they... farted... on innocent people's heads. The thing is, I never felt for the person being farted on. Until now. I want to work with you to open people's eyes, because I get it now.
Strong Woman: [not following] You want to blame farts? That seems kind of ridiculous, doesn't it?
Kyle: What?
Strong Woman: I mean, it's a slippery slope when we start pointing the finger at our own shortcomings.
Kyle: But, but I thought for sure YOU would be on my side.
Strong Woman: Kind of sounds like something my mother would say, actually.
Kyle: What?? D'oh, forget it! [turns around and walks out]
Scene Description: The school hallways. Kyle walks by himself as other kids are at their lockers. Cartman's voice is heard over the PA system.
Cartman: May I have your attention please? Mrs. Broflovski, your tampons are available at the front desk. Mrs. Broflovski, your tampons are available at the front desk. Thank you. [begins to laugh. The kids around Kyle begin to laugh as well]
Heidi: [over the PA system] Come on, we've gotta get out of here.
Kyle: Rrrrr!
Scene Description: PC Principal's office, later. PC Principal tries to block out "Hold My Hand" from his ears, but it only gets louder. His office door opens.
Mr. Mackey: You wanted to see me, PC Principal?
PC Principal: Uh YES. Yes, Mackey, um, I just wanted to see how you thought it was going with Strong Woman.
Mr. Mackey: Well, she seems to be acclimating fine, ukay, the kids really respect her.
PC Principal: Do you know, uh, [begins to fumble on his words] Do you know if Strong Woman has a boyfriend?
Mr. Mackey: What??
PC Principal: No-nothing. Just forget it. [leaves his desk and walks towards the door]
Mr. Mackey: Are you out of your fuckin' mind?! Askin' if a coworker is available in today's times?!
PC Principal: I just wanted to know because she's unavailable, then maybe I can get my head off of her, alright?
Mr. Mackey: Oh boy, this is bad! This is real bad!
PC Principal: [turns around] I don't know how it happened. I know it's inappropriate and yet I can't stop thinking about her. I think I'm... sick.
Mr. Mackey: Look, this is real fucking fire you're dealing with, uhkay?! I'm gonna get someone down here from HR!
PC Principal: HR? Is that like... Hootie Removal?
Mr. Mackey: No! Human resources! The people that come in to make sure everything's kept on the level! We gotta get you back on track!
Scene Description: Special Report.
Anchor Tom: Is Canada a bad influence on the United States? A group of young people called "Millennials Against Canada" thinks so, and we are joined by their leader, Kyle Broflovski.
Kyle: Thanks for having me, Tom.
Anchor Tom: Young man, you say Canada is to blame for most of our problems.
Kyle: All I'm saying is that there's a culture that originates from Canada which is at least partly to blame for the state of our country now.
Anchor Tom: To respond to this we're now joined by the Canadian Minister of Streaming.
Minister of Streaming: Thanks for having me, buddeh.
Anchor Tom: Minister, how do you answer to these angry millennials?
Minister of Streaming: Well, they're pissed off because their country sucks, so they wanna point the finger at us.
Kyle: I'm saying we're all guilty too. I grew up watching Terrance & Phillip, and I thought it was funny.
Minister of Streaming: So you thought it was funny, but now it's not funny?
Kyle: No, it was never funny. I see it differently now.
Minister of Streaming: Oh, so you want to censor it.
Kyle: We don't wanna censor it, we just wanna... get rid of it.
Minister of Streaming: Uh huh, you sound like a Jewish mother.
Kyle: Oh, see? That's what I'm talking about, right there! That kind of mean, degrading, Canadian trash!
Minister of Streaming: Now I resent that! I find that racist-
Kyle: Canadians should care about the rest of the world!
Minister of Streaming: You are a racist, fwiend, and if you have a problem with Canada, maybe you should speak to your backwards President!
Kyle: Maybe I will!
Minister of Streaming: 'Kay, go ahead!
Kyle: Maybe I know the President!
Minister of Streaming: Oh, sure you do! Just like all Jewish moms, 'cause you don't understand how-
Kyle: Stop calling me that!
Minister of Streaming: Can I finish?!
Kyle: That's all you know is how to be mean-
Minister of Streaming: That's not a- Can I finish, please?!
Kyle: Because you were all raised on it yourselves!
Minister of Streaming: Please, can I finish?! [a few seconds of silence] Alright, I'm finished.
Scene Description: South Park Elementary faculty room, day. PC Principal has called a faculty meeting.
PC Principal: Alright, everyone. Listen up. As you know, we want to provide a safe work environment for all our employees. Sometimes feelings do arise and we are tempted by the Devil to act upon them. So we've been reaching out to Human Resources division as I think we can all use someone to tell us about what is and isn't considered misconduct. She has some great advice for us, so please welcome Heather Conduct. Go ahead, Miss Conduct.
Miss Conduct: Hello, everyone, my name is Miss Conduct. I'm hear to talk about making sure we avoid any trouble at this school. M'alright?
Mr. Mackey: [smiles] Uh m'kay.
Miss Conduct: M'alright. Now, by a show of hands, who's ever had inappropriate feelings for a coworker? [Strong Woman raises her hand. PC Principal is surprised]
Scene Description: The Terrance & Phillip Show, guest-starring a Canadian girl scout selling cookies.
Phillip: Well hello there, little girl.
Terrance: Are you selling girl scout cookies?
Girl: Well yes I am. How about a Snickerdoodle?
Phillip: Alright, you asked for it. [raises his right leg up high slowly and farts on the girl. The duo laugh] Oh! Oh, I think I shit my pants.
Kyle: [runs into view blowing a referee whistle] Alright! That's it! Everyone stop! We're shutting it down! [the show's crew is stunned, and adult members of Millennials Against Canada come in and confiscate the equipment] We are Millennials Against Canada. We demand this kind of bullying Canadian entertainment be stopped!
Terrance: Didn't think I'd live long enough to see this all happen again.
Scene Description: Breaking News.
Anchor Tom: More and more millennials are turning into Jewish mothers today as they demand the censorship of entertainment. The protesters say they're not giving up and are demanding to speak with the President of the United States.
M.A.C. Protester 1: [walks up to Kyle with a ringing cell phone] Here you go. Call is coming in on your phone.
Kyle: Good. Give it here. [receives it and answers] Yes, hello? This is the leader of Millennials Against Canada.
Stan: [calling from his living room] Kyle, what the fuck are you doing? [Everyone present at the viewing party is there again, except Kyle]
Kyle: Oh, I'm sorry I'm taking a stand and doing something. I realize this doesn't gel with your nihilism!
Stan: Okay, dude. I didn't wanna have to say this, but you're really starting to sound like your mom.
Kyle: I'm not like my mom! I'm gonna make a difference! It's gonna feel real good!
Tweek: [runs up and takes the phone from Stan] Kyle! Kyle! Don't do this, man! You can't mess with this shit while You Know Who is in office! We're all gonna die!
Scene Description: South Park Elementary faculty room, day. Miss Conduct holds the floor.
Miss Conduct: M'alright, so now everyone, we're gonna do some role-playing, m'alright? Talk about appropriate ways we can talk in the workplace. Can I, can I get a volunteer to role-play with me? M'alright? [looks towards Mackey] How about you, Mr. uh...
Mr. Mackey: Mr. Mackey.
Miss Conduct: M'alright, come on up here. [he joins her] M'alright now, we're just gonna pretend it's a normal mornin' before work, and we're startin' the day. [shakes hand] Oh, Mr. Mackey. Good mornin'!
Mr. Mackey: [a bit awkward] Good morning, uh, Miss Conduct.
Miss Conduct: Now, did you have a nice night?
Mr. Mackey: Yeah, yeah it was good.
Miss Conduct: M'alright. Okay. Uh good luck today, and I hope that our workin' relationship can continue to be honest and straightforward.
Mr. Mackey: Oh, ah I'm very open and honest, I promise you that.
Miss Conduct: I can see that. You got very honest eyes, m'alright. [turns to the rest of the faculty] M'alright, I probably shouldn't have said "You have honest eyes", m'alright. That's a big crossin' the line, commentin' on his physical attributes, m'alright? That's bad. I'm gonna stick to just talkin' about work only, m'alright? [back to Mr. Mackey] So, uh, Mr. Mackey, what methods do you use for counseling the students?
Mr. Mackey: Oh, I mostly use a semi-cognitive approach adapted by Kiezrick Solomon.
Miss Conduct: Wow, you studied Solomon? He was actually my thesis in college.
Mr. Mackey: Are you serious? Nobody I talked to has ever even heard of him!
Miss Conduct: No! Same here! What made you attracted to his work?
Mr. Mackey: Well it's just such a na-natural approach, m'kay?
Miss Conduct: M'alright, m'alright.
Mr. Mackey: When I read it, you know, first I was like "whoa, okay!"
Miss Conduct: M'alright.
Mr. Mackey: "This just really makes sense", you know?
Miss Conduct: [giggles] Well, m'alright.
Mr. Mackey: Mmmm'kay
Miss Conduct: M'alright. [they smile at each other]
Scene Description: Washington, D.C., day. The Minister of Streaming rides into town with four bodyguards and pull up to the White House. The minister walks into the Oval Office with two of his guards.
Minister of Streaming: Mr. President! You need to do something about your millennials!
President Garrison: [plucking with his eyebrows] What do you want me to do?
Minister of Streaming: Terrance & Phillip are Canada's largest export! They account for 80% of our gross national product! If your citizens mess with them, they mess with all of us!
Garrison: Look, I'm President of the United States. I can't get involved in every petty little protest against a third-world country.
Minister of Streaming: Third-world country?! [steps forward] How dare you! Canada is second-world at least! [reaches the desk] Now you listen here, Mr. Buddeh! Either you stop the embargo on The Terrance & Phillip Show, or we'll bring in our own troops to stop it ourselves!
Garrison: Are you threatening us, you beady-eyed Canuck?
Minister of Streaming: I'm simply telling you that Canada will do what it must to protect itself!
Garrison: Then I guess both our countries better be prepared.
Scene Description: The faculty room, continuing. Mr. Mackey and Miss Conduct are now sitting on folding chairs enjoying their conversation, holding cups of coffee in their hands, crossing their right legs over their left ones.
Mr. Mackey: And then, you know, I was-I was looking to get away from the city. [uncrosses his legs] I've never really been a city person.
Miss Conduct: M'alright, m'alright, I definitely get that, m'alright.
Mr. Mackey: [crosses his legs again] I like hikin' around, bein' around in nature, m'kay.
Miss Conduct: No, I agree, I agree, the city's bad. I love hikin' too. What are some of your favorite places?
Mr. Mackey: Well, you know, Mt. Evens is always nice.
Miss Conduct: [chuckles] M'alright, m'alright. [they uncross their legs as a siren sounds]
Strong Woman: What the hell is that?
Mr. Adler: [checks his phone] There's some kind of... military alert going out.
PC Principal: [stands up and looks out the window] All right, military alert, everyone! Let's get to the hallways and get the students to the gymnasium! Come on, let's move!
Scene Description: The Terrance & Phillip Show set, day. There's a break in taping, since no one is moving. Helicopters are heard in the distance, police sirens are heard arriving.
M.A.C. Protester 2: [looks out a window] It's the National Guard.
Kyle: The National Guard?
M.A.C. Protester 1: It's the President. He wants to talk to you. [hands him the phone]
Kyle: Yes. This is Millennials Against Canada.
Garrison: Yeah, listen, this thing's kind of escalating. You people need to call it quits.
Kyle: We can't do that, Mr. President. Someone has to do what's right.
Garrison: What exactly do you want?
Kyle: What do I want? I want a world... where laughter doesn't come at someone else's expense. Where people can live freely without fear of being farted on. I want a world where you aren't ridiculed for trying to help. A world where a nice girl that I liked isn't turned into another Eric Cartman! These Canadians are in the way of that world, and everything they do and everything they have done needs to be erased from the Earth!
Garrison: Jeez, I got a little chub.
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, hallways, day. Students run towards the gym as PC Principal and Strong Woman round them up and herd them there.
Strong Woman: Let's go! Everyone to the gymnasium now!
PC Principal: You heard her! Move it, people! [more students run towards the gym. As the last of them runs by, he turns around] I have to make sure all the classes are empty. You go take cover with the kids.
Strong Woman: I'm coming too. I'm your vice principal.
PC Principal: Alright, come on! [they reach the faculty room] Oh no.
Strong Woman: What's wrong?
PC Principal: Vice Principal Woman, I need to ask you something.
Strong Woman: Okay?
PC Principal: This is very difficult, but, uh...
Strong Woman: What? What?
PC Principal: [clears his throat] Well, as you can see, there's a door in front of us.
Strong Woman: Yes, there is.
PC Principal: I would like to open this door for you. However, I understand the gender-based biases this can imply.
Strong Woman: Why do you need to open the door?
PC Principal: I don't need to open the door. I'd just be opening it and holding it the same way I would for Counselor Mackey, a student, anyone else.
Strong Woman: Somebody's gonna have to open the door, or we could die out here.
Scene Description: A second or two later, and they both reach for the doorknob. Her right hand gets there first and he wraps his left hand around her wright hand. They look at each other as "Hold My Hand" plays again. The kids are now in the gym with their teachers and other faculty. The President opens a briefcase and takes out a key with which to activate the suitcase. He puts the key in the lock and turns it, triggering a green light, and types in the numerical code that will launch a bomb onto Canada. Sometime later, a bomb falls onto Toronto, Canada, and blows it up, sending up hundreds of Canadians to their deaths. PC Principal takes off his glasses and he and Strong Woman gaze into each other's eyes. More Canadian bodies fly around. At the Terrance & Phillip show set, Kyle walks up to a TV showing the destruction the President has unleashed and is horrified by it. The last scene is PC Principal and Strong Woman gazing into each other's eyes, their hands no longer on the doorknob.


Scene Description: South Park, a rainy night. A girl screams
Crystal: Mommy! Momm-mmy! [her bedroom door opens and her parents walk in. Her dad flicks on the lights] He's gonna get me!
Bob White: Honey, honey, who's gonna get you?
Crystal: The President! I saw him! He's gonna get me!
Bob White: Crystal, the President isn't going to get you.
Crystal: But I saw him!
Bob White: [to his wife] See what I told you? It's that liberal school she's going to, filling her head with all kinds of garbage! Sweetie, the President is doing the best job he can. Your liberal school is just trying to convince you he's dangerous.
Crystal: But Daddy, he's getting-
Bob White: Uh uh, no buts! The President is in the White House, not here trying to get you. Okay?
Crystal: Oh-kaaay?
Bob White: All right. [he and Mom walk out the door, and he tells Mom] We're having a talk with that school in the morning! [turns to Crystal] Good night, honey. [turns off the lights, and the couple goes to their room. Thunder and lightning get Crystal out of bed and she goes to her window. She sees a shadow on the walkway outside. When lightning flashes, she sees it's indeed the President.]
Garrison: Hey! How are my approval ratings?! [Crystal runs back to bed]
Scene Description: Kyle's room, 8:57 p.m. He's moping at the foot of his bed.
Reporter: And the latest reports are now saying that over a million Canadians were killed in the nuclear blast. The bomb dropped by the U.S. President took out the entire city of Toronto, and fallout is expected to kill thousands more in the coming days. [A moment of silence follows, and Ike appears at Kyle's door.]
Kyle: Ike... Ike, I'm sorry that I caused a nuclear bomb to be dropped on Canada. I was just- you know, I was just trying to get shows that were toxic taken down. You know, those shows can be really harmful.
Ike: Ohhh, stop being a victim! Jesus Christ! [turns left and walks away. Kyle is left with his jaw dropped, then goes back to moping]
Scene Description: South Park, Elementary, day. It's raining outside. The Principal's office. A father is expressing his concerns
Bob White: What I wanna know is, what gives you the right to preach your political views to my children?! Our daughter woke up with nightmares that the President was going to get her! Just because two liberals happen to be principal and vice principal doesn't mean you can brainwash my kids!
PC Principal: Uh, we sort of have some bigger problems right now, Mr. Uh...
Bob White: It's White. Bob White. You probably never even heard of our family, huh? Well, the Whites have been here since the beginning! Not that it matters, 'cause no one cares about the Whites. Sure, everyone else has problems, but does anyone ask the Whites how they're doing?!
Strong Woman: Mr. White, we assure you that we run this school in a very [glances at PC Principal] professional manner and don't let [glances again] personal emotions get in the way. [glances again. He looks back, and their eyes are locked]
Bob White: Oh, sure you don't! You know how hard I had to fight to even get this meeting with you?! "Oh, who wants to talk to the administration? Oh, it's just the Whites? Oh, who cares about the Whites? They're fine!" Well, we've just about had with you, you understand? [a song plays that drowns out Mr. White's rant: Barbara Mandrell - "(If Loving You Is Wrong) I Don't Want To Be Right"] And damn it, we won't be ignored!
Mrs.White: [hearing the song somehow] I'm sorry, is anyone else hearing "(If Loving You Is Wrong) I Don't Want To Be Right" very very quietly?
Strong Woman: Uh, no. Mr. and Mrs. White, we promise that we will not let anything happen that might bring the integrity of this school into question.
Bob White: Guess that's all the Whites can hope for these days.
Scene Description: South Park, night. Someone is riding a bike in the rain. It's Tweek. He notices something off to his left - a red balloon - on which is written "Make America Great Again." The balloon pops, revealing President Garrison
Garrison: Hey!
Tweek: Aaaagh!
Garrison: How are my approval ratings?
Tweek: It's the President! Gaaahhh! [rides away quickly]
Garrison: Wait, come back! What's wrong?
Scene Description: Sepcial Report, with Bill Keegan
Bill Keegan: Still no word from the President, as his Splatty Tomato approval rating drops to an unprecedented 3%. This puts the President four points below Nut Job 2: Nutty By Nature. Meanwhile, the Canadian Prime Minister, Justin Trudeau called upon Canadians to stand strong.
Justin Trudeau: [stands behind a tattered podium with a Canadian flag on it.] Make no mistake, America! If you do not hand over your President, there will be war the likes of which you have never seen! Canadians will rise together! I call on all Canadians here and abroad to stand with their country! The U.S. President must answer for his crime, and only Canada can bring him to justice! [Trudeau himself was bombed, as he is charred and tattered as well. Ike, having seen the broadcast, gets angry and walks off]
Scene Description: A bus bench, day. Craig and Tweek sit on it, Tweek shivering from his encounter with the President. Tweek grumbles.
Craig: [pats him on the shoulder] There there, Tweek. Everything is going to be okay.
Tweek: I saw what I saw, Craig! You have to believe me!
Kyle: [Him and Stan walk up with their bikes] What's going on?
Craig: Tweek's having a panic attack.
Tweek: It was real! He tried to get me!
Kyle: Who did?
Tweek: The President! [Stan looks away, as if Tweek's statement hit close to home]
Craig: It's just your imagination, Tweek.
Stan: It's not his imagination. I saw him too.
Kyle: You saw the President?
Stan: Out by the quarry. But I didn't believe it. I said, "How could this be..."
Heidi: ..."The President?" [Her and Cartman walk up with their bikes] I saw him too. He had a blue suit and an orange face. He kept asking me "How are my ap..."
Token: "...How are my approval ratings?" [walks up with his bike] I saw him too.
Stan: Dude, isn't this all really familiar? I saw something just like this on that show called Stranger...
Randy: [rides up on his bike] ...Stranger Things. Stranger Things is the show. I saw it too.
Craig: But wait, isn't Stranger Things just like that movie-?
Cartman: Just like that movie It.
Randy: You saw It too?
Cartman: Yeah, I saw It in the theater.
Token: I saw Stranger Things AND It.
Randy: Jesus. I don't think anyone's imagining anything. I think the President IS here. You kids get inside somewhere. I have to warn the town! [gets on his bike and rides off, only to fall on his face a few seconds later.] Aw!
Scene Description: Town meeting, night. A crowd has gathered inside, and all the townsfolk are talking
Mayor McDaniels: All right, people. People, please! We need everyone to try and stay calm.
Townsman 1: How can we stay calm while the President's out there scaring our children?!
Mayor McDaniels: Look, we all want the President out of here. It's just a matter of how we do it. I know you all want to get rid of him.
Bob White: That's not true! The Whites still support the President
Randy: Oh, for fuck's sake, White, he's running around eating our pets and terrorizing our kids!
Bob White: You think Hillary would have been any better?!
Townsfolk: Aw! Come on! Sit down, Bob!
Bob White: [Sits down] I'm just sayin', I'm just sayin'
Mayor McDaniels: Listen, everyone. I have a team right now that's trying to locate the President, and I'd like you to hear from Officer Bright, who's leading the search. [the officer adjusts his pants and walks up to the podium]
Officer Bright: Hey folks, we know you're all uh concerned, but I wanna assure you that we're doing everything we can to track the President down and have him safely removed. Since the President was given a Splatty Tomato he's become very desperate and very dangerous. If you see the President, do not approach him. Do not try to reason with him. Most importantly, remember that this is the President, so you cannot shoot him. All right? You can't even talk about shooting him. Don't even... do any coy, satirical takes on shooting him. [the room stays silent] Okay, good. What we're trying to do here is just get the President to go away. We're gonna be handing out padlocks like this one [lifts one up for display] so everyone can lock up their garbage. If we don't feed the President, hopefully he'll just move on. Are there any questions?
Townsman 2: Can we talk about a friend shooting him if it's in sort of a sarcastic way?
Officer Bright: No, no, no. It's just best to avoid that kind of talk altogether. Remember, they can do to you what they did to Kathy Griffin.
Randy: Make her not funny for thirty years?
Officer Bright: That's right, so best thing is just lock up your garbage and see if we can get the President to... go away.
Scene Description: South Park, night. An officer is tacking posters of missing Ike onto community boards throughout town. Stan, Cartman, Heidi, Craig, and Tweek watch as the officer finishes his work on one particular board and moves on
Stan: Jesus. Now kids are going missing.
Tweek: We're all going to be missing soon! Nyaaarg!
Stan: [notices Kyle across the street walking by] Kyle! [the kids walk up to him]
Kyle: It's my fault. Ike went to go take matters into his own hands. I have to find him.
Craig: We'll help you.
Stan: We'll all help you.
Cartman: Guys this could be very dangerous.
Heidi: You're not going. You promised that tonight, we would have a date night.
Cartman: Darling this is a little more pressing than date night.
Heidi: Oh great. So Kyle's stupid brother goes missing, and I get fucked. How come I'm always the one getting shit on around here?
Kyle: I don't need anyone to go with me.
Heidi: Oh what's the matter, Kyle? Don't want me around because you had the hots for me and I shut you down?
Kyle: I would never have the hots for the person you are now.
Stan: Come on you guys. Look, we all know what we're supposed to do now We all saw "It" and "Stranger Things". We need to get our backpacks and go out to the woods and save the town from evil to some kick-ass '80s' music!
Scene Description: Meanwhile at De Faggoncini Italian, Butters, the Vice Principal and PC Principal walk trhough the door. Butters wears a message on his shirt saying 'Student of the Day'.
Waiter: Hello, joining us for lunch today?
PC Principal: Uh, yes. We are here with our student of the day to reward him lunch with the principal and vice principal.
Strong Woman: We have a reservation.
Waiter: Okay, last name?
Strong Woman: Woman.
Waiter: First name?
Strong Woman: [Takes a deep breath] Strong.
Waiter: Oh, yes, Strong Woman, here we are. We have a nice booth set up for you.
Strong Woman: We can't keep doing this. People are gonna see through it.
PC Principal: Is it my fault that I found the most amazing, perfect, beautiful woman...at work?
Strong Woman: Nobody will understand.
PC Principal: Maybe they will. We're co-worker who are in love. You really think that's going to bother people?
Butters: Well, should we order now?
Scene Description: Bob White comes out of his house with some food. He then starts whistling. He then proceeds to put the food on the floor but is stopped.
Randy: What are you doing, Bob?
Bob White: Aah!
Randy: [Randy is joined by Steven, Linda, Sharon and Roger] Have you been putting food out for the president?
Bob White: No, I was just, uh, taking these sandwiches to the trash.
Randy: We all agreed not to feed him so he'd go away.
Bob White: We didn't all agree! You all agreed! Nobody asked the Whites how they felt! Nobody cares what the Whites have to say!
Randy: Bob, come on. You have to know it's not safe to have him here.
Bob White: In 2003, Hillary Clinton admitted to taking funds for her foundation from foreign diplomats!
Randy: What's that got to do with anything, Bob? Come on.
Bob White: It's fucking true!
Randy: Bob, if Canada finds out the president is hiding here, they are going to nuke us. He needs to go.
Bob White: Hillary wouldn't have been any better.
Randy: Give me the finger sandwiches.
Bob White: Fine! Go ahead and take the White's sandwiches! They've taken everything else!
Scene Description: As the boys begin their journey "The Chicago Bears' The Super Bowl Shuffle" plays.
Stan: Due, this is '80's' music?
Craig: Yeah. It's Pandora. '80s' channel.
Stan: Well, just skip to the next song, man. We're trying to get psyched to destroy evil. We need better '80s' music than that.
Scene Description: As the boys continue, "Gloria" plays. Heidi stops as the boys go over a bridge.
Cartman: Heidi? Honey, what are you doing?
Heidi: This is the place... This is the place where I ended it all, remember? This is where I threw my phone of the bridge and quit Twitter for good. [The camera pans to the left to show Heidi's ghost] I was so different then... so naive and hopeful. [The ghost throws the phone in the river after tweeting her final goodbye]
Cartman: Yes honey, now can we get going, please?
Heidi: I'm sorry! I'm trying to have a moment here! This is where our whole relationship started asshole!
Cartman: Yes, it's very touching, sweetheart. I love you so much. [Quietly] I'm sorry about this, you guys.
Heidi: [The ghost turns to face herself] I remember feeling like I had nobody. Skinny bitch.
Kyle: We need to keep going guys.
Scene Description: Over at the Mayor's office.
Mayor McDaniels: Don't tell me you haven't gotten the President out of here.
Officer Bright: We haven't gotten the president out of here. And there's some worse news. A bunch of kids have gone missing.
Mayor McDaniels: What?
Officer Bright: I think we have to assume that the President has... eaten them. [Mrs Tweak starts crying]
Mayor McDaniels: Why are you here talking to me instead of trying to find the President?
Officer Bright: Don't worry, we're close. He's out in the woods somewhere. And we've set up a fox trap.
Mayor McDaniels: A fox trap?
Scene Description: The president is watching a mouse, grabs it and eats it. He then sees Fox News with a man sitting waiting.
Garrison: Oh, Fox News... They'll listen to me. They'll get my side of the story right!
Bob White: [He whistles the bird call of the bobwhite quail to get Garrison's attention] It's a trap!
Garrison: What?
Bob White: It's a Fox trap, Mr. President!
Garrison: Oh, thank God for the Whites.
Scene Description: The boys venture on as "Hold On to the Nights" plays.
Kyle: Ike! Ike?
Stan: Dude, come on! This is not kick-ass '80s' music!
Craig: "Hold On to the Nights" Richard Marx, 1988.
Tweek: Do we really need music?
Stan: Yeah! Craig just has the wrong stuff. Forget your pandora. I'm doing Spotify. '80s' music. 'Kay. There. ["Pac-Man Fever" plays]
Craig: Oh, yeah. That's better.
Kyle: Can we go please?!
Scene Description: The boys come up to the log cabin.
Kyle: Here it is. [Opens the door] Ike?
Heidi: Wait a minute... Isn't this the place you brought me before? The place you said your friends smashed your phone and computer...? I remember I felt so bad for you. We used to sit in the part and talk for hours. How come we never do that anymore?
Cartman: Oh, fuck. Here we go.
Heidi: Here we go what?! You used to be so nice to me.
Cartman: You used to be nice to me!
Heidi: I tired! But then you started rolling your eyes every time I tried to talk to you!
Cartman: Ughhhh...
Kyle: He's not here either.
Craig: Dude, maybe your brother didn't even go looking for the President.
Kyle: You don't understand Canadians. They're fiercely loyal to their country. When Canada is attacked, they all join in the fight.
Scene Description: Ike is seen riding a dog. He uses a pair of binoculars to look around. He then picks some poo up, breaks it in half and sniffs it, he then proceeds to get back on his dog.
Scene Description: Randy and a few other parents are looking around in the woods. He uses a flashlight.
Jimbo: Randy! Randy!
Randy: What?
Jimbo: They got him! They found the President!
Officer Bright: We found his hideout. There. Someone's gotta go flush him out. I'll be ready to trap him.
Randy: I'll do it.
Officer Bright: Hey, hey! Just remember he's been eating animals and living like a monster. Just... prepare yourself for what you're about to see.
Scene Description: Randy approaches the tent and looks inside to see Strong Woman and PC Principal naked.
Strong Woman: Oh my God!
Randy: What the... Principal and Vice Principal...?
Strong Woman: I told you we couldn't hide.
Randy: But... But you two work togeth... You two work togeth... [Vomits]
Officer Bright: Hey, what the hell's going on?!
Linda Black: Who's together?
Randy: The Principal and the Vice Principal!
Steven: They can't be together! They're co-workers!
Scene Description: PC Principal and Strong Woman exit the tent. Steven vomits.
Offier Bright: Wait, wait. You mean he's actually her superior and they were in there... [Gags, then vomits]
Steven: Who would want to put their penis in a co-worker?! [Gags then vomits. Everyone else starts doing the same]
Scene Description: The boys proceed on while Queen of Hearts plays.
Kyle: Oh, my God! Look! These are Ike's toy binoculars! He was here! Ike!
Heidi: I remember this place too... This is where you brought me on Halloween. Remember?
Cartman: [Sarcastically] Yes, darling, wasn't it romantic
Heidi: No! It wasn't romantic. There was a witch and you had me dress up like Gretel and... [gasps] you were trying to get me killed!
Cartman: Sweetheart, you made me late to the pumpkin patch, remember? I was hurt.
Heidi: You were hurt! You Were the victim.
Cartman: I'm glad you understand.
Heidi: [Heidi's ghost appears] Who turned you into this, Heidi? Shut up! Skinny-ass bitch! You don't know anything!
Cartman: Heidi, I think spooky walk in the woods is making you lost it a little bit.
Stan: Guys!
Garrison: I'm seriously dehydrated and starving. I'm pretty sick of this shit, so you better... Aah!
Scene Description: Mr Garrison gets caught in a trap Ike set up. Meanwhile at the Community Center.
Mr. Turner: Have we already done a search of this area? Maybe she went there with her boyfriend!
Mrs. Turner: She would have called by now.
Laura: I just talked to the McCormicks. They haven't seen Tweek or Craig since yesterday.
Scene Description: Just then, Jimbo, Steven, Linda, Officer Bright, Roger, Mrs Tweak along with a few other parents walk through the door.
Sharon: Randy! Did you find anything?
Randy: [He takes off his hood] Sharon... I... I...
Sharon: What is it? What did you find?
Randy: The... There's... Ugh...
Sharon: Tell me! You have to tell me! [Officer Bright takes off his hat] Oh, God! What did you see?!
Randy: You don't want to know.
Sharon: You have to tell me! I can take it! Did you find our son's arm? Did you find him torn apart? What?!
Randy: The Principal and Vice Principal are, like... together. [Sharon vomits right onto Randy's face.] Aw!
Scene Description: Ike plays a high pitched horn as he arrives back in South Park. Everyone comes out of the Community Center. He has Garrison tied up behind and gagged.
Officer Bright: It's the President! [People begin to cheer]
Sheila: Ike! Kyle!
Sharon: Stan, you're okay!
Stan: Yeah, we're okay!
Officer Bright: We got him. We got the son of a bitch. [Bob White walks over and grabs Officer Bright's gun]
Bob White: Get back! Everyone back! Do it now! Get over here, family!
Randy: Bob, for the love of Pete, our country is about to go to war!
Bob White: You wanna know where there's a war?! There's a war on Christmas! Nobody cares about that! 'Cos guess who loves Christmas? The Whites! At least this man's trying to save Christmas!
Garrison: [Muffled] That's true!
Randy: He's not saving Christmas, Bob. He's running around scaring your kids and shitting in the woods.
Bob White: [Sighs, sobs]
Randy: Come on, Bob. What's best for your daughter? I mean, really?
Heidi: [Heidi grabs White's gun] You piece of shit! This was all your fault! [She points the gun at Cartman] You controlled me and manipulated me and turned me into this!
Cartman: Baby, put down the gun, sweetheart, okay?
Heidi: I used to be kind. I used to be caring. But then you... you... No. Not you. Me. I did this. I let being a victim become a way of life. If you always make yourself the victim, you can justify being awful. Eric... I'm sorry. I'm breaking up with you.
Cartman: Honey, don't be ridiculous.
Heidi: I've been ridiculous. I have to learn to stop feeling sorry for myself.
Cartman: Heidi, you are not breaking up with me.
Heidi: Yes, I am. It's over.
Cartman: I'm afraid I can't let you do that, sweetheart! [He grabs the gun and points it at himself] Step back! I'll do it I swear to God!
Heidi: It's not gonna work this time, Eric.
Cartman: You break up with me, I will kill myself! The choice is yours, Heidi! Come on everybody! "Eric, we don't want you to die."
Heidi: I'm sorry. You can be the victim. I can't.
Cartman: Heidi! Heidi, I'm gonna do it! Here we go! Heidi? Are you seriously...
Scene Description: A scream is heard. Everyone moves to where Garrison was.
Officer Bright: He broke free!
Jimbo: The President is on the loose again.
Officer Bright: He'll be even more desperate now. It's going to get worse.
Stan: We can't destroy him, can we?
Randy: I don't know. I guess... It's up to the Whites.


Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Mrs. Nelson hands out papers to the students.
Mrs. Nelson: I want you all to take a close look at your math exams, children. Some of you did very well, but many of you did not. [hands Cartman his exam, which has a big red F stamped on it]
Cartman: Oh, man!
Mrs. Nelson: [goes to the board] The addition of fractions is very simple. Let's run through it again. How do we solve this first one? [gun shots are heard outside, followed by faraway screams of children]
Butters: [raises his hand] Add together the three and the three.
Mrs. Nelson: [turns to the board] Good, Butters, we add the three's together. [writes 6 in the numerator's place.] And what about the four's? Token?
Token: They're the denominators, so they stay a four.
Cartman: Wait, wait, Token got an A? But I cheated off Token!
Mrs. Nelson: Ah, I can't hear you, Eric.
Cartman: I said something's wrong! I got an F, but I cheated off Token!
SWAT officer 1: [armed, runs into the classroom] Active shooter! Active shooter! ["All units, report in" The officer strikes various poses as he checks out the classroom. More gunshots are heard. Mrs. Nelson moves around to stay visible to the class]
Mrs. Nelson: And now we divide, right?! Craig, how about you?! What are we dividing?!
SWAT officer 1: [moving offscreen] Active shooter! Active shooter!
Craig: Divide four by six? ["Report now!"]
Mrs. Nelson: The four by the six?!
SWAT officer 1: Unit 5 in southwest classroom! [more police chatter]
Mrs. Nelson: Or the six by the four?!
Kyle: The six by the four!
SWAT officer 1: Southwest classroom, clear! ["Copy. Southwest classroom, clear."]
Mrs. Nelson: Now we're gonna retake the exam on Friday.
Class: AWWW!
SWAT officer 2: Shooter's in the hallway! All units report! [he and officer 1 leave the classroom and make their way towards the shooter.]
Mrs. Nelson: Now I'm giving you an opportunity to do better. I hope you take advantage of it.
SWAT officer: [the officers have swarmed the shooter outside] Put down the gun, son. You don't wanna do this.
Cartman: You can see where Token erased his answers and wrote down the right ones! He did it to me on purpose! [a final gunshot]
Mrs. Nelson: Eric, that's enough! ["Shooter is down, shooter is down"] Now let's move on to the next equation.
Scene Description: The aftermath. Aerial shot of the school. Four officers are on the school roof. Several officers are with the students in the playground on lockdown. A couple of paramedics carry the shooter away on a stretcher towards an ambulance. Several officers talk to the teachers on the school's front lawn. The bell rings and the students are released from lockdown
Cartman: That is such bullshit, you guys! Token knew I was cheating off him, so he deliberately put down the wrong answers! Why would he do that?!
Stan: I flunked that test too. I don't understand fractions - they don't make any sense.
Cartman: That's not the point, you guys! Why is Token out to get me? There's something going on here.
Bill Keegan: Another school shooting today has left students in shock and disbelief.
Kyle: Yeah, Token's probably sick of you cheating off him all the time.
Cartman: But why now? That's the question, Kyle. I always cheat off Token. Why did he choose now to hurt me?
Sharon: [a shot of her running towards him. She crosses the police barrier.] Stanley, oh my God! [gets down on her knees and hugs him tight] Baby! Oh, you're okay!
Stan: Uh, hey, Mom.
Sharon: It's all right, Stanley. We're gonna go home and talk about this with your dad. And we will get through this as a family! [stands up and pulls him away] Come on, get in the car!
Cartman: Dude, what's up Stan's mom's ass?
Scene Description: The Marsh house, dinnertime. The family is gathered at the table and Sharon approaches the table with her plate and sits down. She glances over at Randy for a moment, then at Shelley.
Sharon: Stanley? Well? Do you wanna tell your father about what happened at school today?
Stan: [glances up at Randy, who is cutting a slice away from his steak.] Um... Oh- Oh, I... flunked my math quiz.
Sharon: Noo, the other thing!
Randy: [looks at Sharon] What other thing? [Stan turns his head away. Randy looks at him] What happened at school today?
Stan: [looks at Randy] Oh, the school shooting?
Sharon: Yes, the school shooting!
Stan: Oh, yeah, some kid shot up the school.
Randy: Who shot up the schoo- [holds up his knife] was it you?
Stan: No.
Randy: Did you get shot?
Stan: No.
Randy: Oh... [goes back to cutting his steak] Well, what's this about failing a math quiz?
Sharon: [Stands up in anger and pounds the table. Shelley looks at her, Randy is suddenly afraid] Are you serious?! Did you not hear what your child said?! Kids died at his school!
Randy: I'm sorry, Sharon. I...
Sharon: Why are you all acting like this is normal? What is wrong with you people?! [storms away upstairs]
Stan: What's up Mom's ass?
Scene Description: The master bedroom, night. Sharon is in there folding clothes and putting it away angrily
Randy: [enters] Hey, Sharon, ya... doin' okay?
Sharon: No, I'm not okay! Children were shot! They were killed at a school where they were supposed to be safe!
Randy: Uh huh, and... what else is goin' on?
Sharon: [turns around angrily] Why does there need to be anything else?! Are you kidding me?!
Randy: [holds his palms up] I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Sharon.
Sharon: Why isn't anyone else emotional?!
Randy: ...Hun, uh... [pause] When was your last...? I mean, you know how sometimes things can seem like a little bigger deal 'cause you know, your... down there?
Sharon: Don't you dare suggest that I'm only emotional because it's-
Randy: I mean, I'm just, I'm just pointing out that it is around that time.
Sharon: GET OUT, RANDY! I'M NOT OVERREACTING!
Randy: Okay. Okay, love you, honey. I'll leave you alone. [backs out of the room and sighs] Welp, another three days of this, probably. [turns around and walks down the hallway to the stairs]
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, Principal's office. Mr. Mackey stands over PC Principal's left shoulder
PC Principal: I understand that there have been some problems here at the school lately. A lot of students are experiencing anxiety, and Eric Cartman just wanted to be able to voice his concerns. Go ahead, Eric. [Cartman and Token are seated in chairs before him]
Cartman: Token, [sighs] There are some terrible things that I realize you might have heard from the other kids here at school. There are some rumors that have been going around, about me, that... that I thought Black Panther was a terrible movie. There's rumors that I said it was a structural mess. You know, that the rhinos were really stupid. I want to assure you that I never said anything like that. I loved Black Panther. So if, you know, you feel like there's a need to come after me, to get back at me, I just need you to know that people are lying, because I like Black Panther just as much as you did. I am not a racist.
Token: I actually never saw Black Panther.
Cartman: [affecting a black accent] Say what, girlfriend? Whatchoo talkin' 'bout, Willis? Come on, Raj! You never saw Black Panther??
Token: No, I didn't see it.
Cartman: But I thought all of you saw it. [Another day, another round of gunshots.]
Mr. Mackey: I got this one. [leaves the office and goes into the hallway.] All right, everyone, get down! Everybody get the fuck down!
Cartman: Token, let's be honest with each other, okay? Why else would you manipulate my test grades?
PC Principal: How exactly did Token manipulate your grades, Eric? [sirens are heard approaching as gunfire continues]
Cartman: There was a test. I should have got an A on it, but Token did things to make me fail, and it's not fair.
Mr. Mackey: M'kay, m'kay, who's shootin' up the school?
PC Principal: Is that true, Token? Did you do somethin' to make Eric fail a test?
Token: [emphatic] I didn't make him fail, no!
Cartman: You didn't make me fail the test and you didn't see Black Panther. Right.
Mr. Mackey: Everyone down!
An officer: Active shooter, active shooter!
Cartman: I mean, I mean, this is ridiculous.
Mr. Mackey: [appears in the doorway directing the officers] Over this way! Into the cafeteria! Right over there, m'kay- No, you shot the wrong one!
Scene Description: The Marsh living room, night. Sharon has called a group of parents together
Sharon: Thanks for coming, everybody. I'm sure you all heard there was yet another school shooting today. We have to figure out what we're going to do as parents because this whole thing is out of control! [Randy sighs heavily] We have to ask ourselves why this is happening and do something now!
Stephen: Well, you know, Sharon, I think... its a complex issue, you know. It's... it's not really as simple as just... [Randy perks up and begins signing to Stephen furiously. It basically amounts to "Stop! Stop! It's Sharon! She's menstruating!"] What I'm saying is that, that with issues like this, sometimes you have to be kind of... [begins to see what Randy is doing: "she's crazy in the head"] crazy? [Randy motions "heavy menstrual flow"]
Sharon: What are you talking about? [Randy pulls out a red handkerchief and pretends it's a bloody tampon] Do you understand that our children are being murdered?
Stephen: Red?
Sharon: How much closer to home can this all hit? [Randy continues signing: "She's menstruating heavily and it's driving her crazy."] It was at our children's school!
Stephen: [still not getting it] Crazy time. Crazy red time. [Sharon notices Randy's motions, and Randy stops in his tracks]
Randy: I agree with my wife.
Laura: Well, there certainly are things that need changing. Just yesterday, I was at the park with my son Craig and... have you seen the state of the playground equipment? Not only does it seem unsafe, but it's become quite an eyesore.
Ryan: The whole park could use an upgrade, if you ask me. It's become a campout for the homeless.
Sharon: [irate] ARE YOU FUCKING JOKING?! YOU'RE GONNA TAKE ONE SECOND TO COMPARE CHILD MURDER TO PARK UPGRADES?! WHAT IS WRONG WITH EVERYBODY?! YOU'VE ALL GONE CRAZY!! [leaves and goes upstairs. No one says a word]
Randy: ...Anybody need a drink?
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Upon entering school, the kids are getting wanded at three security stations as two security cameras look on from the ceiling. Mr. Mackey holds the reins of two drug-sniffing dogs who on occasion bark at a random student walking by. Deeper inside the school, Butters is hall monitor for the day, but he's armed with an AR-15
Cartman: [peeks out from behind a pillar] Butters. [during their conversation, Cartman looks away from time to time, making sure no one else is nearby to hear them]
Butters: Waaah! [startled, he almost loses the rifle, but gets control of it and aims it at Cartman] Ah! Uh-oh! [walks over to him] Hey Eric.
Cartman: Butters, I need help. My mom says if I flunk another math test, she's gonna ground me from playing Fortnite.
Butters: Oh, Jeez, want me to help you study?
Cartman: No, dumbass, I need to get some dirt on Token so he stops punishing me for what I supposedly said about Black Panther.
Butters: Oho, Black Panther? Well that was a great movie! [smiles]
Cartman: No it wasn't. But now listen. [Butters' smile vanishes] There's got to be something Token wouldn't want people to know. Something I can use as leverage.
Butters: Well, what do you want me to do? I got hall monitor duty.
Cartman: Just ask around. If you find any dirt on Token, give me a call.
Butters: Okay, Eric. [turns around and walks away]
Cartman: [thinking to himself.] This world is full of two types of people: [stops by Jason's locker for a moment and looks around] the ones who are honest, and the ones who don't play by the rules. [moves off. Jason looks at him. Next, he's going up some stairs but pauses as another student goes down the stairs, then continues up] Token's got everyone believing he's the one African-American in the entire country who didn't see Black Panther. What else is he lying about? [peeks around a corner and spots Nichole at her locker: she's switching books around. Cartman gets that mischievous look on his face]
Scene Description: The Marsh kitchen, evening. Randy is seated between Stephen and Gerald, getting tissue after tissue and blowing his nose
Randy: [sniffles] It just gets so hard, you know? [Gerald hands him another tissue] Everything's going fine, and then at a certain time of the month I have to start walking on eggshells.
Stephen: It's all right, Randy.
Randy: It's just. it's just once I'd like her to acknowledge it, you know? Just once say "You know, maybe I was overreacting a little bit 'cause of my hormones."
Sharon: [appearing at a doorway to one side of the kitchen] Randy, they announced on the news there's been another school shooting in Jefferson County!
Randy: [exasperated] Okay, Sharon. Cool.
Sharon: What is "cool" about that?!
Randy: Nuh-nothing. I love you, sweetheart.
Sharon: GOD! [walks off angrily]
Randy: I don't know. I don't know how much more of this I can take. It's like, I turn on the TV and dread they'll say something about a school shooting because it's gonna set my wife off.
Stephen: Well, Randy, have you stopped to think that maybe this problem is bigger than Sharon's period?
Randy: [sniffles] What... what do you mean?
Stephen: I mean that maybe what's going on really is a big deal. What if this is actually... menopause?
Randy: Menopause? I don't even know what that is.
Scene Description: Mala Vista Middle School, Jefferson County, day. Like at South Park Elementary, there are officers on the roof and first responders on the ground. There are helicopters in the air and some reporters nearby. Randy appears, but what he's doing there is anybody's guess.
Paramedic: [puts a casualty into an ambulance and walks over] Well you see, Mr. Marsh, when the woman's ovaries actually stop producing eggs, it's a significant change. It's this ending of the menstrual cycle in a woman's life that we call menopause.
Randy: Uh huh. But... if a woman isn't having periods anymore, then why would she still overreact and be bitchy?
Paramedic: Well actually, menopause is one of the most severely hormonal times a woman ever goes through. It's good you sought the advice of a medical professional, because the changes in your wife's body are gonna be confusing and at times hard to cope with.
Randy: Well wait, you're saying this could actually get worse?
Paramedic: I'm afraid so. [notices some movement nearby] Ah, no. Dead ones go in the other truck. [back to Randy] You see Mr. Marsh, menopause is almost like a super period, and it's been known to last... for up to two years.
Randy: [trembling] Oh my God!
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, hallway, day. Nichole is at her locker and opens the door
Cartman: [approaches her] Nichole, can I talk to ya? [leans against the lockers and puts his right foot on one of them]
Nichole: 'Bout what?
Cartman: Word on the street is you and Token are back together.
Nichole: We're trying, just talking a lot and seeing if we can work things out.
Cartman: Why did you break up with him? What did he do to you?
Nichole: That's... really none of your business. [closes the door and walks away]
Cartman: [keeps up] He didn't take you to see Black Panther with him, did he? That must have really stung.
Nichole: I don't know what you're talking about.
Cartman: Oh no? When you guys talk about how sweet Black Panther was, what's he say?
Nichole: We've never talked about it.
Cartman: Right. You two guys just hang out and talk, and Black Panther never comes up. Why are you covering for Token? What's he have on you?
Nichole: [walks away] I gotta get to class.
Cartman: [thinking to himself.] $1.3 billion domestic box office, a milestone for African Americans, [on the school roof taking pictures as Token turns to kick back a soccer ball] and I'm supposed to believe that Token and his little sex kitten never even talked about it. [at home he looks over all the pictures he took, with a pencil in his mouth] The all-school test is in less than 72 hours. Unless there's a connection, I'll be grounded from Fortnite for weeks. [looks closely at one of the pictures, which shows Token and his parents shopping]
Cartman: Hello, Mom and Dad.
Scene Description: A doctor's office, day. Sharon is seated at the sofa letting out her frustrations on the good doctor.
Sharon: I keep thinking... When will be the time when I get the call? You know? When will I answer the phone and find out my son, my daughter, were... killed? At school?
Doctor: Mmmhmm. Yeah I see.
Sharon: I live in constant fear that I won't be there to protect my children when something happens to them.
Doctor: Well, Sharon, have you maybe considered that your feelings are partly due to... handkerchief balls?
Sharon: What? [looks at him]
Doctor: Handkerchief balls. Handkerchief out the balls. [Randy signs: "she used to have periods,"] Red handkerchief. ["but now she's old and going through menopause"] No- no more handkerchief. No more- no more red. Zero. Empty. Old lady.
Sharon: What I'm saying is that I'm so overwhelmed that I-
Doctor: Old lady, where's my dick? [Sharon looks at him again] Where's my dick?
Sharon: What the hell are you talking about?! I don't understand! [checks the window and sees Randy] God damnit! [leaves the office and goes outside] Stop acting like there's something wrong with me! Something's wrong with you! All of you! Try having some God-damned compassion! [storms away]
Scene Description: Token's house, evening. Cartman is visiting them and talking to them about the movie in the kitchen
Cartman: Yeah. yeah yeah, I know. You know, my other favorite part was when Black Panther had those dreams about his dead father. I mean the dad, the tribal leader, speaking to the new king about being a good leader. I've never seen a movie do that before, except for Lion King, of course, but Black Panther was so original.
Steve: We enjoyed it, yes.
Cartman: So, uh, what was Token's favorite part of Black Panther?
Linda Black: Token?
Cartman: Yeah. You must have all had some deep family talks about it. What does Token say about it on Black Panther Family Discussion Night? [Token comes down some stairs and sees Cartman at table.]
Token: Get out of my house!
Cartman: Token.
Token: Come on, get out! [yanks him off the chair and shows him out the back door]
Cartman: Sure thing. You know, we were just talking about how your family did see Black Panther.
Steve: Oh, no not the family. Token's mom and I saw it on date night. We're gonna watch it again with Token, though. We don't let him watch it alone because it's PG-13.
Cartman: Well, I guess there's nothing more to it, then. Nice talking to you folks. [walks out, but stops moments later] Eh, you know, just one last thing. If you ever found out your son saw a PG-13 movie without you, you'd probably be pretty pissed off.
Linda: Well, Token wouldn't do that.
Cartman: No. No, he'd have no reason to falsely claim he's the only one who hasn't seen Black Panther. [to Token] I'll see you at school.
Scene Description: The Marsh doorbell, day. Someone is ringing it furiously. Sharon goes to answer it
Harriet Biggle: Sharon, Sharon, you have to come quick!
Sharon: What is it?
Linda Stotch: There's another shooting happening at the school right now!
Harriet: It just started. Maybe we can make it in time!
Sharon: Oh my God! [takes off with the other woomen]
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Linda drives up to the school and the three women get out.
Sharon: Come on, we have to hurry!
Linda: No, Sharon. You go ahead first.
Sharon: Why??
Harriet: You just- ya-you should go. [she runs into the school, which is darkened. The security stations are turned off but decorated with garlands. Candles sit on tables, while rose petals on the lobby floor form a heart. Wreaths are everywhere - looks like Randy rented the school out for this. From the left come one group of parents, from the right another group. Harriet and Linda come up behind her as "Love Story" starts up.]
Sharon: What the fuck is going on? [on the second floor, a spotlight shines on Randy as he begins singing. He then goes down a flight of stairs]
Randy: Where do I begin To tell the story of how great a love can be? Surprise, Sharon The sweet love story that is older than the sea...
Scene Description: The boys bathroom. Cartman is inside waiting for someone to finish using a stall. Token opens the stall door and exits. He goes to wash his hands. Cartman moves and locks the bathroom door
Cartman: Oh hay, man. The big math quiz is about to start. You gonna let me cheat off you?
Token: Nnnope.
Cartman: You saw Black Panther without your parents' permission. I typed up all my findings, Token. I made ten copies and put them in envelopes. If I don't pass this math quiz, the envelopes are all set to be sent to ten different news organizations.
Token: You did all that instead of actually studying for the test?
Cartman: So, what's it gonna be, Token? You can be mad I didn't like Black Panther, but you can't take it out on me anymore.
Token: I didn't see Black Panther.
Cartman: Then I guess your parents won't be mad when they read my report.
Cartman: In poker they call it a bluff. I know that right now, Token is shitting his pants. All I need to do now is wait for the poop to stink.
Scene Description: South Park Elementary lobby. Randy continues singing.
Randy: She fills my heart with very special things. With angel songs, with wild imaginings She f-
Scene Description: The boys bathroom. Cartman is still trying to break Token
Cartman: Token, we are running out of time. If you don't let me cheat off you, I'm going to tell your parents that you saw Black Panther in the theater without them!
Token: Ii didn't see Black Panther in the theater!
Cartman: Of course you did, Token! That's why me ripping on it pissed you off so much!
Token: I sear on my mother's life, I don't care what you said about Black Panther! Goodbye! [taken aback, Cartman blocks Token's way]
Cartman: But Token, I don't understand! If you didn't see it, and you really don't care that I ripped on Black Panther, then why would you let me cheat- [stops himself and gets another idea...] Oh my God. You don't care what I said because you did see it... and you... didn't like it either. [takes a deep gasp. Token lowers his eyelids] That's what this is all about, isn't it? You hate yourself for seeing through the mirage like I did, and that's why you wouldn't let me cheat off you! Well I didn't write Black Panther, Token! It isn't my fault it sucked! Why go after me?! But now, it's over. Don't worry. They're not gonna know you didn't like Black Panther, so long as... you never make me fail another math test.
Token: [checks his phone] Well, we're probably both gonna fail now because fourth period already started.
Cartman: What? No! [turns to unlock the door] We have to take that test, Token! [opens the door and pulls him out]
Scene Description: Running down the hallway
Cartman: Come on! We can still get to class on time! [a flurry of gunshots] Oh, great! Come on, we can do this! [as they run through the hallways, gunshots ring out and gunsmoke fills the air. They pass a stairwell in which some students are huddled. They round a corner and spot a boy at his locker. They run to him] Billy, give me your lunchbox! [Billy hands it over. The window to the computer lab is shattered by gunfire. Butters stays out of the gunfire, too scared to move. Cartman and Token reach him] Butters!
Butters: Wull it's the entire glee club this time!
Cartman: Butters, I have to get to class! The math quiz is starting!
Butters: Oh crap! The math quiz? It's already fourth period?
Cartman: I can't flunk this math quiz, Butters! Cover me!
Butters: Well okay! [slow motion effect as they run through the school] Waaaagh! Waaaaaagh!
Scene Description: The school lobby. Randy continues singing, the adults are all smiles, oblivious to the gunfire around them. Cartman and Token run across the lobby without Butters and take the stairway up to the second floor. They run to class.
Randy: How long does it last?
Scene Description: an love be measured by the hours in a day
Scene Description: The final rush to class. The glee club is still firing away as Cartman and Token reach the classroom. Cartman rolls forward, jumps up, and opens the door. He and Token go in.
Scene Description: The aftermath. The wounded are being taken to hospitals, just as in the beginning of the episode
Officer Stevens: You did everything you could, Mr. Marsh. If your wife can't realize the truth and appreciate you, maybe she never will.
Sharon: Realize what?! What have you been telling everybody, RANDY?!
Stephen: Randy was just trying to make you feel loved while you're going through menopause.
Sharon: Menopause?! I'm not going through fucking menopause!
Stephen: How do you know?
Sharon: I just got my period this morning!
Randy: You... you got your period?
Sharon: YES!
Randy: You just got your period this morning?
Sharon: YES!
Randy: Soooo the past few days, maybe you have been just a liiittle-
Sharon: NO! NO NOTHING! Don't you guys see what's happened here?! I want you to be angry! Every day we hear about another school shooting! It used to be a big deal! I want it to be a big deal again. I mean Harriet, you came to my house and said there was a school shooting to trick me into going with you!
Harriet: I was just trying to be a part of the big surprise, Sharon.
Sharon: That's what I'm talking about! That's crazy, Harriet! I want you all to be shocked! I want you all to be sad!
Townsman: You want everyone to be sad?
Harriet: Well. Sharon, if you wanted to make me sad, congratulations. [her voice cracks a little] You did a great job. [walks away]
Stephen: Yeah, let's go somewhere without so much negativity. [the people disperse]
Randy: Aw guys, uh she didn't mean it! She just... get, give her a... [sighs, looks at her, turns around and shuffles away]
Scene Description: The classroom. Mrs. Nelson hands out the quiz
Mrs. Nelson: The quiz is multiple-choice, but be sure to show all your work. You'll have 20 minutes to complete your answers. All right, your time starts... now. [Cartman stares at Token, who notices. Token rolls his eyes and positions his test so Cartman can see his work. Token solves his problems first, then Cartman copies]
Cartman: [thinking] Everybody has dirty laundry. All it takes to find it is getting a little dirty yourself. The only question now is, how many Tokens are out there? How many others are afraid to say that Black Panther wasn't all that sweet because of the damage it could do to them?
Cartman: What do you mean?
Cartman: [thinking] I mean, in a school of 200 students, there's already two who are covering up the truth. All Token is doing by letting you cheat off him is keeping the whole thing quiet even longer. [crumples up his test and throws it to the ground, thereby earning another F] There are others out there... and even if it means failing, I'm their only damn hope.
Scene Description: The Marsh house, backyard. Randy is moping on a tree stump. Sharon opens the back door and sees him
Sharon: Randy... [walks up to him] we need to talk.
Randy: Sure, honey.
Sharon: There's been... too much pain and suffering, and... it has to stop.
Randy: I know, sweetheart, I know.
Sharon: What I'm trying to say is... I've been very emotional lately, and... maybe... maybe I do overreact sometimes.
Randy: [raises his arms up as if he's witnessing a revelation] Aaaaah?
Sharon: Maybe I need to realize that my emotions can be hormonal and not just take things out on you.
Randy: Aaah? Aaaaah?
Sharon: Randy, I'm... sorry.
Randy: Aaaah. Aaaaaah. [voice shaky] Thank you, Sharon. I don't know what it's like to have periods, but I'll try to be more understanding from now on. [Sharon's cell phone rings, and she pulls it out of her pocket.]
Sharon: Sorry, sorry, one second. [answers it] Hello? Yes. What? Oh my God! Yes. Yes. Yes. Okay. Okay. [hangs up]
Randy: What is it?
Sharon: There's been another school shooting. Stan's been shot.
Randy: Shuh-should we get down there?
Sharon: [Sighs] It's not the end of the world. [smiles]
Randy: [sighs in relief] Aaaaah. I love you, Sharon. [they hug as he cries on her shoulder]
Scene Description: #cancelsouthpark