Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day, computer lab. Mr. Mackey is guiding the fourth graders through some computer operations by reading from a book.
Mr. Mackey: Dialog
Mr. Mackey: M'kay, now right-click on menu item "Equate O" and type in "input y".
Kyle: Nah, dude. Are you on America's side, Stan? [looks like all the other kids are playing the same game: Call of Duty: World at War]
Stan: No, I'm on the Japanese side.
Cartman: Oh, who just shot me? [Bebe leans back in her chair, looks at Cartman, and gives him the finger]
Mr. Mackey: M'kay, let's see, uh the right-click is the upper-right... [his voice trails off] uhhh, but then what the hell is the...? [closes the book and goes back to normal voice] Okay kids, I'm gonna need to get some clarification on this. Uh, just keep entering the calculations; I'll be right back, m'kay.
Cartman: Oh dude, I wish I had a real flamethrower. It works awesome on Japs.
Butters: [runs into the lab and hides behind the wall] Oh my God, oh my God! [runs up to Stan] Stan! Stan, we have a big problem.
Stan: Dude, what?
Butters: There's vampires in the school!
Stan: What?
Butters: Vampires. I've seen 'em.
Stan: Dude, aw! Who's using the flak jacket cheat?!
Red: Not a cheat if you rank up.
Butters: Ugh. [goes over to Kenny] Kenny, there's a vampire on the loose. Then Katie Gelson was hanging out with him, and now she's a vampire too!
Kyle: Butters, there's no such thing as vampires.
Butters: [goes over to Kyle] But there is. You guys gotta believe me. First there was just a couple, but now it's like they're growing. They have fangs and drink blood and everything.
Cartman: All right Butters, well you go document the vampires' movements so we know what their intentions are.
Butters: Really? Do you think that's best?
Cartman: Yeah, now get out of here.
Butters: All right! [runs to the entrance, then turns around] If I don't make it back, tell my mom what happened to me. [turns back and runs out]
Cartman: Oh-hohhh, you got pwned, Bebe, you Jap bitch!
Scene Description: The school gym, day. Six kids sit on the bleachers in the otherwise empty building - four boys, two girls. They look somewhat like the Goth kids.
Lead Vampire: Isn't this cool? This time of day nobody's in the gym. We should make this one of our official South Park Vampires Club hangouts.
Spiky Vampire: That's an awesome new coat, Mike. Looks totally badass.
Vampir: Don't call me Mike, my name is Vampir now.
Spiky Vampire: Oh, that's cool.
Midnight Vampire: [wears a coat showing arm bones] I'm gonna change my name to Vladimir.
Vampir: You can't, it's too close to Vampir. [Butters rises up from one end of the bleachers just enough to see the vampire kids]
Butters: [pulls out a tiny tape recorder and starts dictating into it] 12:32 p.m. Vampires meeting in the school gymnasium. Leader appears to be a fifth grader.
Sparkly Vampire: You know that girl Bella in Twilight? I think I'm like her. I'm a psi vampire. Do you like these sparkles I got?
Butters: [into his recorder] Annie Bartlett is a psi vampire.
Vampir: Yeah, I'm more a sanguinarian vampire, in that I rely more on the life force energy, per se.
Spiky Vampire: Heh, yeah, I'm gonna be a hybrid vampire, both psi and sanguinarian.
Butters: That's Ryan Ellis. Looks like they've gotten to him too.
Bloodrayne: Lunchtime's almost over. Should we drink some more blood?
Other Vampires: Yeah! Cool!
Vampir: Yeah, and then I think it's time for us to feed, per se. [opens a bottle of Clamato and pours some into the Bloodrayne's goblet.]
Butters: Oh God I think they're gonna drink blood now. They've got some kind of chalice, and they're- [clock] uhn... [he's run out of tape. It rewinds to the very beginning and plays back]
Tape: [Butters' voice] Toot toododoo! [Butters frantically presses buttons trying to stop the tape] It's the Big Texas Butters show! And now here he is, Big Texas Butters! Why howdy there, partners. I'm Biiig Texas Butters. And this is my horse, Toast. Happy Trails, to youuu! [he turns off the tape record, relieved. Until he looks around and jumps from being startled] AAHHH!
Vampir: Ummm, what are you doing?
Butters: [jumps away and whips out a golden cross] Get back! You stay back! Hwa! Heah! The body of Christ compels you! The body of Christ compels you! [runs away without his tape recorder] Hwaaaahh!
Scene Description: The school hallway, later. Mike is at his locker
Bloodrayne: That kid was really scared of us.
Vampir: That's true, Bloodrayne. People are going to be frightened of us because they don't understand our ways, per se.
Spiky Vampire: Yeah, we're cool, huh? [the Goth kids happen upon the Vampire kids]
Pete: What the hell are those kids doing?
Henrietta: Why are they all dressing like that all of a sudden?
Pete: Are they trying to be Goth?
Michael: No, they're vamp. They wear plastic fangs and drink freaking Clamato juice.
Henrietta: But they can't dress like that. That's our style.
Midnight Vampire: Hey, Tommy Petros is thinking he might wanna be a Vamp kid too.
Vampir: Tommy Petros? Is he cool?
Bloodrayne: Yeah, he's cool enough.
Vampir: All right. [the Vamps and Goths face each other]
Pete: So, all of a sudden you Justin and Britney wannabes think it's cool to dress like us?
Vampir: We dress the way our souls feel, to express the darkness, per se.
Michael: Aren't you Mike Makowski?
Vampir: That's Vampir Makowski now.
Henrietta: You kids need to all go put your freakin' Banana Republic clothes back on, right now!
Sparkly Vampire: Hey, we're just as dark as you guys, maybe darker!
Pete: Really. Do you guys even smoke?
Vampir: Of course not. Smoking's bad for you.
Other Vamps: Yeah.
Pete: [buries his face in his left hand] Oh my God.
Vampir: You know, you guys are really giving off a negative human energy. We prefer to take our darkness somewhere else, per se.
Pete: All right, Count Fagula, you go do that. [the Vamps leave]
Scene Description: Butters' house, after school. Butters runs inside in a panic, looks around, then heads for the sofa.
Butters: Mom, Mom, I gotta tell you somethin'! You're not gonna believe it!
Linda: [sewing a scarf] Not now, Butters. Your father wants to have a talk with you in the kitchen. He is not happy.
Butters: Oh no, what'd I do this time?
Linda: You just march on in there.
Butters: [hangs his head and goes in] Oh jeez...
Scene Description: The kitchen. Butters walks in and looks at Stephen, who's by the sink waiting with his arms crossed. To his left are a glass of milk and a box of Hamburger Helper.
Stephen: You see this, Butters?! It's a glass of milk I poured for myself! And you see this?! [holds up the box] It's Hamburger Helper! Now would you mind telling me what Hamburger Helper is doing in this glass of milk?! [Butters begins to tap his fists together, nervously] Why is Hamburger Helper in a glass of milk, Butters?!
Butters: I have no idea, sir.
Stephen: I'll tell you why! [walks over to the pantry and opens the door] Our pantry is always kept organized alphabetically! But somebody put the Hamburger Helper where the Nestle Quik is supposed to go!
Butters: Uh, I'm sorry, Dad. I-It's just I've been really preoccupied lately. See, there are these kids at school, they were-
Stephen: What keeps a family together, Butters?!
Butters: A well-organized pantry.
Stephen: That's right! [starts throwing food out of the pantry on to the floor] If you keep putting food under the wrong letter, it all goes wrong! [stops] Now you will reorganize this entire pantry, and you will do it right!
Butters: Well, okay, but, Dad, you've gotta listen to me. Kids at school are starting to change. They've been acting-
Stephen: You do it right now or you're going to be grounded! You got that?!
Butters: [hangs his head] Yes, sir. [Stephen walks away. Butters turns to the task at hand and begins putting stuff away] Jeez. Nobody will even listen to me. It's like nobody even cares if there's vampires at the school. I try to help and all I ever do is get hollered at. I bet vampires never get hollered at. Vampires just get to do whatever they want. [stops and thinks]
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, next day, recess. The Vamp kids are on the merry-go-round gathered around Vampir
Vampir: [reading from a book] ...All mortals share a soft repose,My soul doth dreadful vigils keep, More keen than which hell scarcely knows.
Sparkly Vampire: What is that kid doing?
Butters: [walks towards them with hands outstretched] Oh Jesus, oh God, Butters, what are you doing? [pulls out the crucifix he used on them a few days before and sets it down on the snow, then continues towards them, hands outstretched] I- I'm Butters.
Vampir: So?
Butters: O creatures of the night, I seek audience to engage with thee in unholy darnation and thus do... a-a-and thus do unto your bidding!
Vampir: What?
Butters: Oh, uh... I wanna be a vampire.
Cowlick Vampire: You're not cool enough to be one of us.
Butters: Yeah, I know, but uhhh, I think I would make a really good vampire if you just, well, just give me the opportunity.
Vampir: We'll think about it. Go get us some sodas out of the pop machine in the commons.
Butters: Yes! Yes, anything else?
Midnight Vampire: I want some Cheetos.
Butters: Soda and Cheetos, yes. I'll be right back.
Scene Description: The Goth Corner at South Park Elementary. The Goth kids are listening to music as a soccer ball rolls to a stop in front of them.
Singer: I'm not part of your society. I don't follow your fads and rules. Doctrines...
Boy 1: [with dark blond hair] Where did it go? Do you see where it went?
Boy 2: [with black hair] Yeah, it's right over there by those vampire kids. [Boy 1 retrieves the ball and walks away]
Pete: [delayed reaction] What? Hey. Hey! We aren't vampire kids, we're freakin' Goths!
Boy 1: Whatever, Dracula, why don't you turn into a bat or something?
Michael: So lame. So... lame...
Henrietta: You guys, I do not wanna be grouped in with douchey, little vampire kids.
Michael: Sooo lame! [two Vamps walk out of the door behind him]
Little Vamp: See? Isn't it cool back here? It's all dark and isolated.
Shades Vamp: This would be a great place for a Vampire meeting.
Henrietta: Get out of our space, you little twerps!
Pete: More preppy straight-A students turning into vampires. What the hell is going on?
Scene Description: The woods, night. Butters is walking through them with drinks and some food. He reaches a small campfire where five of the six Vamps wait for him. Vampir is missing.
Butters: I have done what you've asked. [sets down the goods] A case of Dr Pepper and Cherry Twizzlers. Who are you gonna give this to? I-I mean, vampires can't eat people food.
Vampir: [walks into view] You have done well. Are you ready to become one of us, per se?
Butters: Yeah, I guess.
Vampir: Are you sure? Because once you're in South Park Vampire Society, you can't ever leave.
Butters: Well I'm sick of bein'- bein' pushed around. M-by my dad, by kids at school.
Vampir: Then it is time for your transformation, per se. Let it begin! [they all walk away, leaving behind the Dr. Pepper and Twizzlers. They walk to South Park Mall] This way. Prepare thyself. [the mall is still open, so they walk over to Hot Topic and enter. The Vamps begin checking out clothes for Butters to wear as a new Vamp. The Midnight Vamp gets some fake teeth with fangs while the Cowlick Vamp gets some necklaces and rings. They outfit Butters with them. The Sparkly Vamp gets some hairspray and she and the Spiky Vamp spray Butters' hair with it. Bloodrayne measures him for collars and bracelets. Finally, all six Vamps step away, and a new Vamp is born]
Butters: Whoa.
Vampir: And now you shall drink vampire blood, and your transformation will be complete, per se! [walks away and pours out a bottle of Clamato juice into a goblet for Butters to drink] With this, thy transformation is done. [Butters takes a sip, then immediately spits it out]
Butters: Oh, that tastes awful! Blagh, blagh. [the Vamps leave Hot Topic]
Vampir: It is finished! Welcome, Butters, to the South Park Society of Vampires. [Butters begins to laugh, then cackle.]
Scene Description: Butters' home, night. He walks into the living room, and Stephen runs up to him
Stephen: There you are, Butters! Do you know what time it is?! Where have you been?! [Butters just walks by]
Linda: Butters, what have you done to your hair? [Butters heads for the stairs]
Stephen: Hey! Butters, we are talking to you! Explain yourself, mister! [Butters stops]
Butters: I no longer need to explain anything to you, Father!
Linda: What on Earth?
Stephen: That does it! You are grounded for two weeks, you got that?!
Butters: You can't ground me! For I am neither living nor dead! How can thy ground that which is... ungroundable. [smiles knowingly. His parents are perplexed]
Stephen: All right, I don't know what's gotten into you, mister, but you're gonna- [Butters hisses at him] Ah!
Linda: Butters? [Butters hisses at them a few times, and Linda clings to Stephen. Butters goes upstairs]
Butters: I am going to my room now! For I must slumber, per se. [his parents are stunned and just look at each other.]
Scene Description: Principal's Office, day
Principal Victoria: Now, kids, I understand that you are very into this "vampire" thing, but I don't want to see it get out of hand. You kids need to understand that your new little fad is scary to some.
Pete: ...Oh my God. You've got the wrong flippin' people.
Michael: [slowly, for emphasis] We aren't vampires.
Principal Victoria: I know that you aren't really vampires, and I appreciate that you wanna be cool because vampires are the "in" thing right now, but-
Pete: We aren't trying to be popular!
Principal Victoria: -but just make sure that this new little trend doesn't become a distraction. [the door opens behind the Goths]
Mr. Mackey: [enters with Vampir and two younger Vamps] Here's a couple more, Principal Victoria, hm'kay.
Vampir: Oh, oh no, are we in trouble?
Principal Victoria: I was just telling your friends about what I expect of your-
Michael: [slowly, for emphasis] We aren't friends!
Vampir: Don't worry, Ma'am. As I was just explaining to my new minions, vampires are actually very spiritual and deep beings, per se.
Scene Description: The waiting room outside the Principal's office. The Goths exit and immediately whip out smokes and lighters
Michael: Allison Merch is a vampire kid now? This thing isn't going to stop.
Pete: Let's just face it: they bogarted our style! Everyone's gonna think we're trying to be butthole vampires now. We might as well go to the freakin' Gap and just buy normal clothes. [they all look at each other thoughtfully]
Scene Description: Goth Corner, a day or two later. The Goths are now dressed as normal kids, but their hair is still colored as before.
Pete: Well, at least nobody can refer to us as vampire kids now. [the soccer ball bounces towards the Goth kids again and stops in front of Henrietta]
Boy 1: It went this way?
Boy 3: [with very short hair] Yeah, it's over there by that fat girl, the big-nosed kid, the midget, and the kid with pock marks on his face. [Boy 1 sees the ball, walks over, picks it up, and leaves]
Michael: So we're back to that, are we?
Firkle: Shit.
Pete: [stands up] Let's get out of these freakin' Gap clothes.
Scene Description: Cartman's room, night. He's asleep with the covers off. All of a sudden, Butters is perched on the inside of Cartman's window doors. The other one is open. Butters hisses.
Butters: Sorry, Eric, but I am a vampire now, and I can no longer survive on human food. And if someone must die so that I can feed, I choose thee. [he jumps down from the window and hops onto Cartman's bed, ready to pounce on his throat. He wiggles his fingers, then relaxes them and grips Cartman's head and back] Hm, wonder which side I'm supposed to do it on, hm. Probably doesn't matter. [rears back and bites into Cartman's neck, making sucking sounds. Cartman wakes up and looks at him]
Cartman: Butters? [Butters continues] Butters?! [Butters backs up and then hops off the bed]
Butters: I can't do it. Ah, I- I can't do it!
Cartman: Dude, gross, you got spit all over my neck! Mom! Butters just gave me a hickey!
Butters: I'm so hungry, but just, just remembering how that blood tasted before ju- blood is all clammy and tomato-y. It makes me wanna... [he vomits on Cartman's floor]
Cartman: Dude! [Liane enters]
Liane: You all right, sweetie?
Butters: [advances and hisses at Liane, then runs out through the window and crashes to the ground outside.] U-huh. [bumps into something] Ow.
Liane: What's going on?
Cartman: Well, Mom, apparently Butters is gay, finds me very attractive, and, confused about his sexual identity, puked up all over my floor!
Liane: Oh dear.
Cartman: Yes.
Scene Description: Henrietta's room, later. The Goth kids are hanging out there.
Michael: I walked into the cafeteria today. Rebecca Miller and Philip Russ were dressed like vampires drinking Clamato juice with four kids from the football team.
Firkle: Jesus.
Pete: It's like, there's more vampire kids every freakin' day. Why is this happening, I mean... why now?
Michael: Doesn't matter why. Pretty soon, the whole school is going to be an endless hive of conformist happy-go-lucky vampire wannabes.
Henrietta: It seems like that preppy Mike Makowski kid started all this. Maybe he's the way to stopping it.
Pete: Whattaya mean?
Henrietta: I mean, what do you do when you want to change vampires back to normal? You get rid of the head vampire.
Scene Description: A car night. The Goth kids are in it, with Henrietta at the wheel
Pete: Does your mom know you took her car?
Henrietta: Do I care?
Michael: All right, this is probably good enough.
Pete: Yeah, pull over here. [Henrietta pulls over, and the Goth kids leave the car. Henrietta stops by the trunk and pops it open. Inside is Vampir, all tied up.]
Vampir: [tied up and gagged] (Please, what do you want?! Let me go!)
Michael: What should we do with him?
Pete: Well, if he's a vampire, I guess we should drive a stake through his heart.
Vampir: (No! I'm not really a vampire! I'm not a vam-, I'm not a vampire!)
Michael: [leans in and puts his hand to his left ear] What's that?
Vampir: (I'm not really a vampire.)
Michael: You're not really a vampire? Really? I'm so freaking shocked. [moves off and joins the other Goths]
Pete: If we get the right packaging, we can just FedEx him somewhere far way.
Michael: How about we send him to Transylvania?
Pete: No, he'd probably see it as something to brag about someday to his little vampire buddies.
Henrietta: If we're gonna send him somewhere, it should be the most horrible, most miserable place on Earth.
Goths: [after a few seconds of contemplation] Scottsdale.
Scene Description: The Stotch house. Butters' parents are upstairs. Linda is pounding on the door trying to get Butters to open it.
Linda: Butters, we just got a call from Mrs. Cartman. Butters? [tries to open the door, but finds it locked] Unbelievable! He's locked the door. [She and Stephen change places and Stephen tries opening the door, but it won't open. He pounds on the door.]
Stephen: Butters, this is your father! Explain why you snuck into another boy's bedroom and gave him a hickey! [Butters is in his bed, his arms crossed over his chest. On the headboard are four lit candles. He's hyperventilating] Butters?! Butters, you will open this door right now!
Butters: What have I done to myself? I should have known I wouldn't have the stomach to be a vampire. I am so hungry.
Stephen: Butters, you have five seconds to unlock this door! [counts up with his fingers] One! Two! [the door is unlocked and opened a little. Stephen pushes the door in and it creaks. Stephen and Linda enter slowly. They see his window is wide open and he's not in bed. There are lit candles everywhere] Uhh, Bu-Butters?
Butters: Hey Dad. [he's crouching on top of his bookcase and startles Stephen]
Stephen: AAAARH! Buh. Bu-Butters, did you get gay with one of your schoolmates tonight?!
Butters: I have to eat! But I can't do it. I'm getting weak.
Stephen: [angrily] All right! Now you listen, and you listen good! Until you stop behaving this way, you are not going to leave this room! Do you understand?!
Butters: Dahhh. [hops down from the bookcase and tries to hop onto his toy box, but he trips and lands on the floor. He gets up, climbs onto the toy box and crouches on the window sill, and hisses at them] I know now what I have to do! [hops down to the ground outside] Myah!
Linda: [walks over to the open window] Stephen, what has happened to our boy?
Stephen: [joins her there] He's become something, Linda. Something that... we cannot ground.
Scene Description: Village Inn, night. The Goths are inside drinking coffee and moping around
Michael: I just. Don't. Get it. We sent the head vampire kid to Scottsdale, but still more and more kids are dressing up like vampires.
Henrietta: He must not have been what was causing it. It must be something else.
Waitress: Hey you kids gonna order any food or just sit there and drink coffee all night again? [pours them another round]
Henrietta: Leave us alone!
Waitress: Bad enough I always get stuck with you Goth kids, now I got Goth kids in my entire section. [she points to them with her left thumb; there are two booths bursting with Vamps. One has seven Vamps, the other has nine]
Pete: They aren't Goth! They're douchey little vampire kids!
Waitress: Looks the same to me.
Pete: I bet they aren't even drinking coffee.
Waitress: [turns to face the Vamps] No, they said they're too young to drink caffeine, so they're havin' orange juice. [turns left and walks away. Pete drops his head on the table and keeps it there]
Henrietta: Let's go over there and tell them they're not taking Village Inn from us too.
Pete: Forget it! It's over, all right? There's too many of them now. We can't stop them. Let's just face it. Freakin' vampires beat us.
Butters: Maybe not. [hisses. He's on all fours on the ledge behind the booths] Did you say you're trying to get rid of the vampires? [crawls closer to the Goths] I want to help you.
Henrietta: Get away, douchebag.
Butters: Some legends say that if you destroy the vampires' lair, the vampires go back to being human again.
Pete: What are you talking about?
Butters: I can take you... to the place where kids are being transformed into vampires. [the Goths look at each other]
Scene Description: South Park Mall, sometime later. Butters leads the Goths to the Place of Transformation, Hot Topic.
Pete: Awww, Hot Topic? When did this open?
Butters: Two weeks ago. It used to be a Banaaana Repuuubliiic.
Michael: Of course. Freaking Hot Topic. That explains everything.
Pete: How did we not figure that out? Of course a new Hot Topic must have come to town. Duh!
Henrietta: Well, I think we all know what has to be done.
Michael: Yup.
Pete: Let's get to it. [they turn and head into the store. They get aerosol cans and fan out across the store, start spraying, and light the sprays with their lighters, turning the cans into makeshift flamethrowers]
Singer: Burn down down, burn down Hot Topic. Don't let it steal your soul away. Burn down, burn down Hot Topic. Light the fire. Take control. Burn down, burn down Hot Topic. Don't let it take your soul. Burn down, burn down, burn down Hot Topic. And take control. Burn down... Hot Topic. Burn it down... Hot Topic.
Scene Description: While the song is playing, the following happens: Michael is the first to torch some clothes. Henrietta follows with the belts and scarves. Pete begins to torch the jewelry
Clerk: Hey, what the hell are you doing?!
Pete: You should probably get out of here. [Firkle torches some clothes. Henrietta torches the fake teeth and products with fangs on them. Michael torches the sign announcing 25% off body jewelry and fashion belts. Outside, Bloodrayne and the Spiky Vamp arrive in shock]
Spiky Vamp: What the hell are they doing??
Butters: They're putting an end to it! [the clerk runs out of the store]
Clerk: AAAAAAAAAAAAH! [the Goths continue torching the store until it's thoroughly engulfed in flames, then they walk out and leave. The Hot Topic sign above the entrance crashes to the floor.]
Scene Description: The Stotch house, night. Linda is sewing again, Stephen is reading the South Park Gazette.
Butters: [enters the living room happily] Mom, Dad! [closes the front door, runs to the sofa, and stands on the sofa between them.] I changed back!
Stephen: What?
Butters: Goth kids burned down the Hot Topic, and sure enough, soon as they did I tried eatin' a hot dog and it tasted good. My vampire teeth even fell out when I bit into it. I'm human again!
Linda: We have no idea what you're talking about, Butters, but we're glad you're home.
Stephen: That's right son. There's only one thing I care about.
Butters: What's that, Dad?
Stephen: Well, would you mind telling me why there's Rice-A-Roni in my coffee?!
Butters: Uh oh.
Stephen: Butters, you are grounded!
Butters: Aw, dang it![walks up the stairs to his room.]
Stephen: It worked, Linda. Our son is groundable once more. [they hug each other]
Scene Description: The South Park Elementary School gym, day. The Goth kids address the rest of the school, who are seated on the bleachers
Pete: [at the mic] Fellow students. Over the past week there's been a lot of confusion, and so we have asked for this assembly to clarify the difference between Goth kids and Vampire kids. Let us make it abundantly clear: if you hate life, truly hate the sun, and need to smoke and drink coffee, you are Goth. If, however, you like dressing in black 'cause it's "fun", enjoy putting sparkles on your cheeks and following the occult while avoiding things that are bad for your health, then you are most likely a douchebag vampire wannabe boner. Because anybody who thinks they are actually a vampire is freaking retarded. [everyone begins to applaud the speech. During the applause, Michael steps up to the mic and gives everyone the finger]
Michael: Fuck all of you.


Scene Description: Clyde, Cartman, Stan, Kyle, Token, Jimmy, and Craig are at the school cafeteria, looking at someone from across the room.
Cartman: Would you look at that? It's just incredible, isn't it?
Stan: I still can't believe it, even though it's right there in front of me.
Kyle: Yeah, it's just so astounding.
Cartman: Well, believe it friends. The impossible has happened. [the boys are looking at Kenny and a girl eating alone together at another table.] Kenny has a girlfriend.
Craig: Yeah, a fifth-grade girlfriend.
Kyle: This is serious. They've been going out for almost two weeks now.
Jimmy: Well, so, w-who is she?
Cartman: Her name's Tammy Warner. She's the only girl in school whose family is actually poorer than Kenny's. It's really kind of beautiful if you ask me.
Butters: [runs up to the boys' table] Hey, you guys! You guys, I think we have a big problem!
Stan: What?
Butters: [panting softly] Well, apparently Kenny has a girlfriend!
Stan: Yeah, dude, Tammy Warner. She's a fifth grader.
Butters: Um, does Kenny like her?
Kyle: I guess so. She's, like, his first real girlfriend ever.
Butters: Oh, no. Oh, geez!
Cartman: [getting irritated] Butters, what's the problem?
Butters: Well, I just talked to Brad Dixon. Tammy Warner is bad news. All the fifth graders call her a slut, on account of she gave this kid Dave Darsky a B.J. in the parking lot of TGI Friday's.
Kyle: What?!
Butters: It's true! Ask anybody in fifth grade. "Tammy Warner is a total slut!"
Cartman: That bitch! Kenny gave his heart to her, and she's just gonna throw it in his face!
Jimmy: Well, Kenny deserves to know, fellas. If you guys found out my girlfriend was a raging whore, I'd want you to t-tell me.
Stan: [sighs] All right, come on, guys. [leaves the table with Kyle and Cartman.]
Butters: Hey, Jimmy, what's a B.J.?
Scene Description: At the school hall, two girls walk by. One of them chats away at the other.
Girl 1: So, anyway, I passed him a note, but then Johnny... [Kenny walks alone down a different hall. Stan catches up to him]
Stan: Kenny! Hey, hey, Kenny! [Kyle and Cartman are with him]
Kenny: (Oh, hi, guys.)
Stan: Listen, Kenny, we need to talk about your new girlfriend.
Kenny: (What about her?)
Stan: [sighs and lowers his head] Oh, boy.
Kyle: Kenny, we know you really like this girl, but...
Kenny: (But what?)
Kyle: W-well, we've heard that she's...
Cartman: Kenny. [deep sigh, puts his right hand on Kenny's back for sympathy] Your girlfriend is a notorious whore. She even gave a kid named Dave Darsky a B.J. in the parking lot of TGI Friday's.
Kenny: [afraid, high voice] (Huh?)
Cartman: Your girlfriend's a slut, dude.
Kenny: (Woo-hoo! Woo-hoo-hoo! Yeah, hey, yay!) [jumps for joy, dances down the hall, makes a right and runs off.]
Cartman: [moments later] He took it pretty well.
Scene Description: Tammy is at her locker putting some books away. Kenny skips around the corner, sees her, and runs up to her.
Kenny: [cheerfully] (Hey, Tammy!)
Tammy: Hi, Ken. You decide what you wanna do after school?
Kenny: (Yeah, I was kinda thinking we could go to TGI Friday's.)
Tammy: TGI Friday's?
Kenny: (Yep. I like the food!)
Tammy: Yeah, okay. But... [walks away a few steps] Kenny. Listen. Uh, there's somethin' I need to talk to you about. There's a lot of rumors goin' around about me, that I agreed to give a boy a B.J.? Well, it's true. [Kenny dances with glee, but Tammy doesn't see this. She gets apologetic] But it was before you and I were together, and it wasn't my fault! [Kenny stops dancing] See, I was watchin' the Disney Channel, and that show came on with the Jonas Brothers.
Kenny: (Jonas Brothers?)
Tammy: You know that teenage boy band? Every time I see them I get so tingly. I just completely lose control. [Kenny starts dancing again] And then Dave Darsky showed up and took me to TGI Friday's, [Kenny stops] and it just happened. But it was only for one second, and I had my eyes closed. I know it's terrible. Can you... can you forgive me, Ken? [Kenny walks up to her, puts a consoling hand on her shoulder, and sighs]
Scene Description: At the Ticketmaxx store, Kenny is at the counter making a purchase.
Clerk: There you are, young man. Two tickets to the Jonas Brothers concert.
Kenny: (Thanks.) [turns around and walks out with his tickets]
Scene Description: Outside, Cartman, Stan and Kyle wait for him.
Cartman: The Jonas Brothers? Dude, Kenny, what the hell is wrong with you? [Kenny continues walking, the other three join him as he walks across the parking lot]
Kyle: Aren't those the queermos on the Disney Channel?
Kenny: (Yeah. Tammy said if I got her the tickets for the concert, she would give me a B.J.!)
Stan: A B.J.?
Kyle: You want Tammy to give you a B.J.?
Kenny: (Of course, dude!)
Cartman: [forcibly stops Kenny] Kenny! You're gonna let a girl put her mouth on your wiener? Do you know how disgusting that is? Girls' mouths are full of germs!
Stan: Yeah, dude, that's gross.
Kenny: [turns right and leaves the other boys behind] (I don't care. I've gotta get some protection.)
Kyle: What kind of protection?
Scene Description: At the drugstore, Kenny walks into it towards the counter. The other boys follow him in.
Kenny: (I'd like a box of condoms, please.)
Clerk 2: Box of condoms. Certainly, little boy. What kind would you like?
Kenny: (Uhm, I'll take one of those.)
Clerk 2: These here? Why, certainly. [The Clerk reaches for a box on a rack and hands it to Kenny. Kenny reads the cover: "Big Mamba. The world's #1 condom. Trusted for over 50 years."]
Kenny: (Cool!) [Kenny pays for the condoms and turns to head out the door]
Kyle: Kenny, aren't you a little young for this?
Kenny: (No, I'm not young and I want a B.J.)
Cartman: [reaches out to Kenny and stops him] Just because you have condoms doesn't mean you're safe, Kenny! Statistically speaking, the most bacteria-ridden place on the planet is the mouth of an American woman! And you're gonna let that near your penis?
Kenny: (Yep! Woo-hoo!) [skips away]
Scene Description: The Denver Pepsi Center, night. The Jonas Brothers are headlining. Inside is a stadium full of tween girls all cheering for the Jonas Brothers to come out.
Tammy: Go, baby! Whoooo! Kenny, you're the best for bringing me here. Isn't this awesome? [the lights go out and cameras begin to take pictures of the stage. Soon the stage lights come up and the Jonas Brothers appear. The girls go wild]
Scene Description: First song.
Joe Jonas: I'm ready to get it on. But there's no gettin' on until I'm ready. Too soon, slow down. Take it easy, oh, my girl, I need your love. Bay-bay!
Jonas Brothers: I can't wait till the day I kiss you. Until then I have to tease you. 'Cause my mom doesn't like it when I'm naughty. She'll make me clean my room if I'm naughty.
Joe: Bay-bay! I'm hot.
Nick Jonas: He's hot.
Scene Description: In the audience during the song. The girls react in various ways. Tammy first looks on, then shrieks uncontrollably.
Little Girl: [putting her hands over her crotch] My 'giney tickles! [she scratches her crotch to stop the tickles. Most other girls do the same thing]
Tammy: [grabs onto Kenny's parka] Oh, my God. It's that tingling again. [a girl has left her seat and is in an aisle gyrating her butt up and down. Tammy gets up on her seat and screams towards the band] I love you! [she's shocked at what she just said, then begins dancing in her seat. Kenny sits in his seat unenthused, wondering when the payoff is coming.]
Scene Description: Second song.
Joe: Tell me how was I to know?
Jonas Brothers: You'd take your love and go.
Joe: Was it 'cause I wanted to wait till we were married...
Jonas Brothers: To put my arm around you?
Joe: The seasons change.
Kevin Jonas: Bay-bay!
Joe: And the world goes round.
Nick: The world goes round and round and round.
Scene Description: In the audience during the song. The girls continue cheering. Tammy stands on her seat, speechless. A little girl runs up on stage, hugs one of the singers, and is hauled away by security. Tammy dances again.
Scene Description: Third song.
Jonas Brothers: Yeah, yeah, I'm gonna take my time. Can't wait 'til you are mine, but it might be a while. 'Cause, yeah yeah, girl, we can take it slow, so we have room to grow. And then someday we can get it on. Until then, go back to Montreal.
Joe: 'Cause I still love you, bay-bay!
Nick: Love you, bay-bay!
Kevin: Bay-bay!
Scene Description: In the audience during the song. A girl is carried out on a stretcher.
Tammy: Whoooooo! [a toddler makes her way towards the stage by climbing over the rows of cheering girls] Aaah-oww! You're so hot, Kevin! I love you, Joe!
Mr. Slave: JESUS CHRIST!
Jonas Brothers: Good night, Denver. We love you all! [skips off the stage] We love you, Denver! [skips off the stage] Good night! [skips off the stage]
Scene Description: The stage lights go down, the stadium lights come up, and the girls begin to file out of the Pepsi Center.
Tammy: Oh, my God, I am so worked up! I just want to attack you, Kenny!
Kenny: (All right! Come on, let's get to the parking lot. Woo-hoo!) [grabs her hand and they walk towards the exit]
Usher: And, uh, you too, little girl in the red.
Tammy: [looks over her shoulder] Huh?
Usher: Band would like you to come backstage. You, too, little girl in the puppy T-shirt. [the blonde girl looks down at her shirt, shrieks, and makes her way to the usher]
Tammy: They want me to come backstage? Oh, my God!
Kenny: [pulling at Tammy] (No, no, we're going to your place now!)
Tammy: It's a dream come true! [Tammy lets go of Kenny and goes down the aisle towards the usher]
Kenny: [gives chase] (Hey!)
Usher: All right, right this way, girls.
Roadie: Yeah, come on in everyone. The band is waiting for you. [quickly blocks Kenny from entering.] Uh, not you. [kicks Kenny aside a few times]
Kenny: (No, fuck that, dude! I bought the fucking tickets!) [the roadie closes the door and Kenny starts pounding on it] (Hey! What the fuck?!)
Roadie 2: [in a sensuous voice] The Jonas Brothers will be right out, girls. [leaves]
Girl in Puppy T-shirt: Why do you think they called us back here?
Fat Girl: They must-a wanna have sex with us.
Tammy: What? You think so?
Fat Girl: Sure, they're a band. They called us back here so we can give them blowjobs.
Girl in Puppy T-shirt: Well, I'm not doing it! Just 'cause they're rock stars doesn't mean I'll do that!
Girl in O T-shirt: Yeah, I'm not giving a blowjob to anybody!
Tammy: Me neither. [suddenly the brothers appear]
Jonas Brothers: Hey, there, girls! [all of a sudden the girls' mouths pop open as their jaws drop. As the brothers talk, they strike poses]
Joe: Hey, listen, we saw you out there in the audience.
Nick: Yeah, you were getting a little crazy out there.
Fat Girl: Let's just get to the blowjobs.
Joe: Blow whats?
Kevin: [to his brothers] I don't know. [to the girls] Look, we called you back here because we want to share our love of Christ with you.
Nick: And see if you'll wear purity rings from now on.
Tammy: [perplexed] Purity rings?
Joe: We all wear purity rings. It means we are going to be pure and not have sex until we're married.
Kevin: And it means we stay away from bad stuff and avoid people who swear and watch naughty TV shows.
Nick: That's just how we roll.
Kevin: Yeah.
Nick: Yeah. [they high-five each other. In a wide shot, we see Kenny peering in on the exchange through a transom window.]
Joe: So, what do ya say, girls? You wanna be kid hipsters like us and wear purity rings too?
The Girls: [mesmerized] Okay.
Kevin: And be sure to give a ring to all the kids you care about, 'cause it's the hip new way to roll.
Scene Description: The neighborhood bus stop. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman wait for the school bus to arrive. A somber Kenny walks in from right of frame.
Cartman: Well well well, here he comes. It's B.J. McKay and his best friend Bear.
Stan: So how did it go last night? [Kenny breathes in deep and sighs, takes off his left glove and shows the other boys the purity ring Tammy gave him]
Kyle: What's that?
Kenny: (A purity ring.)
Cartman: Purity ring?
Kenny: (Yeah, it's a purity ring.)
Kyle: ...Well, what does that mean?
Kenny: (It means I'm gonna be pure and not have sex until I get married.)
Stan: Dude, you? We thought you really wanted to have a B.J. before you got too old an-
Kenny: (I did! I was really excited to get a B.J. but now I have to wear this motherfucking purity ring!)
Kyle: Alright alright Kenny, calm down. You're too young to be getting B.J.s anyway. It's good you and Tammy are making a commitment to each other that isn't based on sex.
Kenny: (Yeah.) [Kenny crosses his arms and tries his best to be agreeable with Kyle, but looks at his left ring finger and uncrosses his arms, breaking the act] (It isn't fair I was so close to getting a blow job and I'll never get one now - this is fucking bullshit...) [Kenny walks away bawling. The other boys just watch him leave]
Scene Description: The neighborhood park. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman are playing basketball with Craig, Clyde, and Token. Kyle tosses the ball to Craig, who tosses it back to him. Kyle then tosses the ball to Token...
Butters: [runs up to the boys] Fellas! Hey fellas! I heard that Kenny is still going out with that slut Tammy Warner.
Kyle: Yeah, but it's okay Butters. They have purity rings now.
Butters: Uh, what's that?
Stan: They're rings that says they're not gonna have sex or do anything naughty anymore.
Butters: [gets pensive] Huh... a ring that says you'll be together but not have sex... Isn't that called a wedding ring? [Stan and Kyle look at each other]
Scene Description: Montage.
Jonas Brothers: I've got a ring on my finger to remind me what I cannot do. Can't just do whatever I feel like, I've got to stay right, just and true. I can't hang out with my buddies and get into trouble, 'Cause now we're both wearing these rings for each other. But who needs sex and drugs and partying When we can cook a meal, then sit around and watch Netflix... Bay-bay! I've got a ring on my finger to remind me that I must behave. No need to chase after girls; it's a promise I can never break. I made a commitment and it is forever, So we can spend every waking minute together. And if we get bored it won't be a problem, 'Cause we can just hang out with other couples who wear these rings... Bay-bay!
Scene Description: Kenny walks down a side street alone. He looks at his purity ring, still on his finger. Joe leads the Jonas Brothers in a song. Kenny looks out the living room window as Stan, Kyle, and Cartman toilet-paper the houses across the street. Kenny visits Tammy and they both stare at their rings. Kenny stares from afar as Stan, Kyle, Cartman, Butters, Craig and Jimmy put the finishing touch on a snowman - a huge penis and set of balls, propped up by a twig. Kenny walks off, unable to enjoy the project. Kenny and Tammy eat frozen dinners at her table as she studies. Kenny and Tammy watch TV on her sofa, but Kenny is bored and has his head resting on his right hand. A shot of the Jonas Brothers. Kenny looks at two sluts walk by, his left hand stretched out. They ignore him. Kenny and Tammy stand in the middle of the Farmer's Market as people walk by around them. Kenny is back at Tammy's eating frozen dinner. Another shot of the Jonas Brothers. Kenny and Tammy sit on a bench at Stark's Pond. They're in Tammy's living room watching TV again. Now they're in a group meeting of purity couples.
Purity Boy 1: Yeah, we found out that once you wear purity rings, it's best to hang out with other couples that do. Got more in common. Isn't that right, Sarah?
Purity Boy 2: You know? What Carole and I enjoy is Grey's Anatomy. We love Grey's Anatomy, don't we, Carole?
Purity Boy 3: We adore Grey's Anatomy, don't we, Nancy?
Nancy: Adore it. Kenny and Tammy, do you watch Grey's Anatomy?
Purity Boy 1: We look forward to it all week long. [chuckles. Sarah laughs with him]
Purity Boy 3: Sure is sweet.
Purity Boy 1: It's the most fun I've had in weeks. [laughter]
Jonas Brothers: I've got a ring on my finger to remind me what I cannot do. What I cannot do. Bay... bay... Baaay... Baybay. Baybay. Baaaybaaaaay.
Scene Description: Turns out the Jonas Brothers were shooting a video.
Director: Aaand cut. Great video shoot, guys.
Joe: This is bullpucky!
Kevin: Yeah, we've had it, Goshdarnit!
Director: Uh oh, looks like we've got a problem.
Scene Description: The director's office, moments later.
Joe: Our decision is final! We have decided, as a band, not to wear purity rings anymore!
Kevin: Yeah, you tell 'em, Joe.
Disney Exec 1: Boys, I know you're tired, but the purity rings are important to the company's image.
Joe: We don't care about the company.
Director: And you're gonna say that to the boss's face?
Kevin: We aren'-we aren't afraid of him.
Disney Exec 2: Well, I hope you're right, because the boss is on his way here. Now.
Disney Exec 3: [looks out the door] Oh Jesus, he's here. The boss is here!
Kevin: Let's be strong, guys.
Disney Exec 3: [opens the door just a crack and looks out again] Hello sir. How was your trip? [the door flies open and in walks a swaggering Mickey Mouse]
Mickey: [looks around] What's all this I'm hearing about not wearing the purity rings, haha?
Director: Uh we'll just leave you alone. [he and the other executives clear out of the room]
Mickey: So uh, I guess we have some issues, haha?
Kevin: We... need to talk about something.
Mickey: Oh boy! I just love flying all the way to Colorado to hear about your problems, haha.
Joe: Look, we just want our concerts to be about our music, and not about purity rings.
Mickey: Oh Gosh, fellas, let me explain this to you one more time. You have to wear the purity rings because that's how we can sell sex to little girls, haha. See, if we make the posters with little girls reaching for your junk, then you have to wear purity rings or else Disney Company looks baaad, haha.
Joe: Well we don't wanna be selling sex to little girls anymore.
Mickey: The rings stay on!
Joe: Well, well, maybe we'll just refuse to go onstage. [Mickey walks over and punches him in the balls. Joe groans and falls forward to the ground]
Mickey: [Mickey kicks Joe's his body with every accented word] You DON'T... FUCKING...TALK to me...Like THAT, haha. You LITTLE... PIECE of... SHIT, Haha! [Joe coughs up some blood] Get the fuck up. Get the fuck up! Haha. [Joe begins to stand, then gets some help from his brother. Mickey wipes his gloves clean] Now, do we have a problem?! Haha.
Nick: No, sir.
Kevin: No, Mr. Mouse.
Joe: [softly] No, Mr. Mouse.
Mickey: Oh, that's good, 'cause I thought we had a problem for a minute there, haha. [heads for the door] Alright now, get out there and make me some Goddamned money! Haha. [shuts the door behind him as he leaves. A picture of the brothers falls from the back of the door and shatters on the floor.]
Scene Description: A bookstore, day. Kenny looks at some Jonas Brothers DVDs. Kyle walks into view in the fiction section.
Kyle: Yup, he's in here. [Stan and Cartman appear behind him, then they all exit frame, reappearing at the video section.]
Stan: Dude, what the hell are you doing, Kenny?! This is the day we were supposed to throw cow turds at cars together!
Kyle: We've had just about enough, dude! You've been blowing us off for two weeks now! What's up?!
Kenny: [unusually resigned] (Look at this. More DVDs.) [shows the DVD to the guys]
Cartman: [takes the DVD and looks at the front cover. Kenny freezes with his left hand held out] Grey's Anatomy?! Kenny! What kind of douchebag garbage are you watching?!
Stan: Come on, Kenny, this isn't you. We want you back, dude.
Cartman: [notices that Kenny has stopped responding.] Kenny? Kenny? [snaps his fingers] Kenny? [snaps his fingers again] Wanna look at Playboy? [snaps his fingers again] Wanna, wanna get high sniffin' paint? Kenny?
Stan: [takes the DVD from Cartman and hands it back to Kenny] You want your Grey's Anatomy back, Kenny?
Kenny: [starts responding and takes the DVD] (Oh, Grey's Anatomy. Cool! Oh man, this is a great season. Look at all this stuff, so cool.)
Stan: [takes Kyle and Cartman aside] You guys, I think this is serious. There's something really wrong with him.
Kyle: It's that ring. Somehow, putting on that ring has turned Kenny into a boring turd.
Cartman: [notices something on the shelf next to him] Oh my God, look at this! [grabs it and looks at it] Motherfucker!
Stan: What? [he and Kyle walk up to get a better look - it's Teen Pop Magazine with Jonas Brothers on the cover]
Cartman: "Jonas Brothers talk music, faith in God, and purity rings." These Disney douche bags are the ones causing all this! [throws the magazine to the floor]
Kyle: Yeah, this all happened the day after he went to that concert!
Stan: All right, come on guys, we're not sitting back and watching our friend die! [he and Cartman leave. Kyle stays in place a while, then walks back to Kenny, patting him on the back]
Kyle: Hold tight, buddy. We're gonna find a cure for you. [runs off to catch up with the other two boys. Kenny is left caressing the DVD]
Kenny: (Yeah...)
Scene Description: A morning show airs, its graphics showing up first.
Announcer: Live from Five News Studio in Colorado, it's Good Mornin' Denver.
Host: We are joined this morning by the Disney supergroup the Jonas Brothers. Hello boys. [the girls in the audience begin to shriek. Each of the brothers holds a mic]
Joe: Hello.
Host: Now, tell us what you're doin' here in Denver, guys.
Joe: Uh, we're gonna be doin' a live concert from Red Rocks tonight that will be live-broadcast on the Disney Channel.
Mickey: [in the control tent with an engineer] In 3-D. Don't forget to mention in 3-D.
Kevin: Oh, oh-and it's gonna be in 3-D. [the girls shriek again]
Host: Now, guys, a lot has been made about your "purity rings". Can you tell us about those?
Joe: Well. Um. [Joe holds up his left hand, palm in, to show off his ring. His brothers do the same seconds later] We, we wear these to symbolize how pure we are and how we ...um don't approve of things that are naughty or filthy.
Mickey: Yeah, that's good. Get a close-up on their purity rings. Close-up on the purity rings, haha. [the engineer responds]
Host: That's wonderful, boys. [the camera zooms in on Joe's left ring finger, on which his purity ring rests] It's good that little girls can see a concert and not have it be about sex. We understand that at the concert tonight you'll be dousing girls in the audience with white foam. Is that correct?
Nick: Uh huh.
Joe: Yeah. Uh huh.
Kevin: Yeah.
Nick: Yeah.
Host: Well can you give our audience a peek? [to the audience] What do you say girls? Do you want the Jonas Brothers to douse you with their white foam? [the girls shriek again. The brothers whip out some high-pressure hoses with bags of foam attached to them and proceed to spray the audience with streams of white foam. One of their songs plays in the background]
Mickey: Oh boy! This is TV gold, haha. [Stan, Kyle, and Cartman enter the street and make their way through the audience]
Stan: Excuse us. Excuse us.
Girl 2: Hey, what do you think you're doing?!
Host: That's great stuff, boys. You like takin' the Jonas Brothers' hot foam in your faces, girls?
Cartman: Hey! Hey, those Jonas Brothers are assholes!
Stan: Yeah, their purity rings turned our friend into a douche!
Joe: Huh?
Kyle: What the hell do you think you're doing spreading this crap to kids?!
Mickey: [takes notice] Who the hell are these guys? [takes off his shades and tosses them aside] Are they from DreamWorks? Goddamn Eisner trying to hurt this company again, haha?
Cartman: This whole thing is a freaking sham! I see what you're doin' now! You're tryin' to sell sex to young girls and then confuse them by [a dart strike him in the neck and knocks him out quick] teh- ...tehhhh [falls on his face]
Kyle: Cartman?
Mickey: You aren't ruining my plans this time, DreamWorks, haha! [drops a dart into a blowpipe]
Stan: Dude, who the hell did that? [a dart hits him in the neck] Hwa? [another one hits Kyle in the neck]
Kyle: D'ow... [they both fall over unconscious.]
Scene Description: Some time later, the boys are just now coming to. A POV shot. One of them has opened his eyes and his vision is quite fuzzy. Voices and noises echo around him.
Voice 1: Fifteen minutes, that's fifteen minutes, people!
Voice 2: Get another mic on that drum kit!
Mickey: They almost ruined everything, haha. How did something like this happen, haha? [walks up and gets in the boy's face] Wake up. Wake up, you little prick! Haha. [the boy is alert now] Who do you work for? DreamWorks? [cut to a wide shot revealing a disheveled Stan being held up by his hat. Nearby, Cartman and Kyle are still unconscious.] Answer me, haha!
Stan: We... don't work for anybody.
Mickey: [lets Stan's head drop to the floor] Oh boy, I sure believe that, haha. [Cartman wakes up. Kyle stirs] You just tried to ruin Disney Company's big night for your own amusement, huh?! Haha.
Cartman: The hell did you do to us?!
Mickey: SHUT UP! [kicks Cartman in the balls, making him sit on his ass] Haha.
Scene Description: Red Rocks, that night. The concert begins.
Announcer: And now, Disney Channel presents... the Jonas Brothers 3-D concert spectacular! [the graphic says "the 3D Concert Experience"] Live from Red Rocks Amphitheater in Colorado! [the young girl fans are there cheering and wearing 3-D glasses]
Male Host: Truly a night of magic as we're set for the biggest concert event of the year!
Female Host: In about ten minutes, the Jonas Brothers are going to take the stage in what Disney is calling "the most pure and innocent rock event of the millennia."
Scene Description: A Christian living room.
Blonde Girl: Do we put the 3-D glasses on now, da-da?
Father: Not yet, Katie.
Male Host: Everyone around the country is tuning in to see Disney's latest kid pop stars.
Scene Description: Tammy's living room. She and Kenny sit apart.
Kenny: [depressed] (And not getting a blowjob...)
Male Host: We understand the Jonas Brothers are getting ready. What's going on backstage must be exciting.
Scene Description: Backstage. Mickey is facing the boys with a chainsaw in hand. He revs it up.
Mickey: You'd better start talkin', haha! [Stan covers his face, then removes his hands] You'd better start talkin' right now, haha!
Stan: We told you: we aren't working for another studio and there isn't a plan to sabotage your big night.
Kyle: We came on our own 'cause our friend's purity ring is killing him.
Mickey: You're lying! I'll cut you up, haha!
Joe: You see? We were right about the purity rings! A nice Christian symbol can't be used for profit gains.
Kevin: We've all angered God.
Mickey: [walks up to them with the chainsaw and revs it up against the boys, who cringe a bit] You think God is in control here, haha?! I am in control! I've been in control since the '50s in case you haven't noticed, haha! [throws the chainsaw aside] You three faggots are going onstage, and [points at the boys] YOU three faggots aren't going to stop me! NOBODY IS RUINING THIS EVENT!! Haha. I've worked too long and too hard to have anybody [Kyle notices he's next to the mic control desk and surreptitiously turns up the Mic 1 slider] fuck this up! [this causes Mickey's voice to be heard by the audience, who quiet down] Where would you be without me, Jonas Brothers? Haha. Your music sucks and you know it! Haha. It's because you make little girls' 'ginies tickle! And when little girls' 'ginies tickle, I make money! Haha. And that's because little girls are fucking stupid! Haha. And the purity rings make it okay to do whatever I want! Haha. Even the Christians are too fucking stupid to figure out I'm selling sex to their daughters! I've made billions off of Christian ignorance for decades now, haha! And do you know why?! [Cartman sees the curtain control button and presses it. The curtain rises revealing Mickey Mouse to the audience] Because Christians are retard-ed! Haha. [Mickey is facing the boys, so he doesn't notice anything happening behind him yet] They believe in a talking dead guy! Haha. [having heard his own echo, he blanches and turns around. He now sees the audience] Ohhh. Haha. Hello, folks.
Audience: BOOO!!
Mickey: Now now, take it easy, haha. Here's the Jonas Brothers.
Joe: Come on guys. [the brothers turn left and walk offstage and the booing continues]
Mickey: No! Stop! Bring them back here!
Roadie: It's over, Mr. Mouse. Everyone's tuning out.
Mickey: NO! NO GODDAMNIT! NO! SHUT UP! SHUT! UP! AAAAAAGH! [Mickey suddenly blows up to a height of some 40 feet and starts breathing fire on the audience. The girls scatter]
Father: [walks up to the TV and turns it off] That's it girls. No more Disney TV for a while.
Scene Description: Channel 4 Breaking News.
Reporter: Tom, the Disney Jonas Brothers 3D Television Special has failed, costing the Disney Company millions, and once again Mickey is pissed off and throwing a fit.
Mickey: [floating over the city like a Thanksgiving Day float] Vengeance is mine! You are all ants and I am your destroyer, haha.
Reporter: The Disney purity ring venture will now most likely prove a marketing bust, as Mickey returns to Valhalla to slumber and feed. [Kenny offers Tammy the Grey's Anatomy DVD, but she looks at her purity ring]
Tammy: Aw Ken, look what we've become. We're way too young to be this boring.
Kenny: (I agree. Let's put in this DVD and watch Grey's Anatomy.)
Tammy: No! I don't want to watch Grey's Anatomy, Ken. Let's take off these rings, Ken.
Kenny: (Take off the ring? You can take off the ring??) [throws away the DVD] (Really?)
Tammy: Let's take them off and just be kids again. There'll be plenty of time to wear rings and be boring and lame when we reach our late 30s and we're boring and lame anyway.
Kenny: (Yeah. Screw this crap!) [as one they take off their rings and throw them to the floor and hug each other]
Tammy: Oh I feel better already!
Kenny: (Me too!)
Tammy: What say you and me... go to TGI Fridays?
Kenny: [jumps for joy] (Woo-hoo!!) [takes her hand and runs out the door with her]
Scene Description: A funeral, some days later. Father Maxi is leading the service.
Father Maxi: And so, as we commit this young child to the earth, let us all be reminded that syphilis is still a deadly disease, and it can be caught even if using protection. This young boy learned the hard way that there's no guarantee... For the world of oral sex is a world...
Cartman: [during the eulogy] I told him... A woman's mouth is the most germ-ridden place on earth, I said. Statistically the most unsafe place for a man to put his penis, I said.
Kyle: Well, now we know.
Cartman: And knowing is half the battle.


Scene Description: South Park, night. A shot of a newspaper, the South Park Herald. Some headlines are: "Crime Rate Up," "No End In Sight!!" The camera zooms out to reveal the newspaper lying on the street, hanging over the curb. Dramatic music plays as a car zooms past the paper.
Cartman: [voice over] The city isn't what it used to be. It all happened so fast. Everything went to crap. It's like... everyone's sense of morals just... disappeared. Bad economy made things worse. [A shot of Tele's TV store "Closed until further notice due to BAD ECONOMY"] The jobs started drying up. Then the stores had to shut down. [a shadow runs across the screen, in a cape. Next scene: an alley looking towards the street. An Obama poster for CHANGE is shown, with WHEN? spray-painted over the word] Then a black man was elected President. He was supposed to change things. [the shadow climbs up a pipe and runs across the roof of the building opposite the alley entrance] He didn't. [next shot is that of a street under a threatening red sky] As more and more people turned to crime and violence the town becomes gripped in fear. Dark times. The city needs protection. [another alley. An aluminum trash can falls over, spilling its contents. The shadow appears on a wall, larger than life, then runs away] There is an animal that lives by night, searches the trashcans and cleans out the garbage. [A rain gutter is shown. The shadow runs across the screen again, closer to the camera] To clean out the trashcan of society I've chosen to become more than a man. [another rooftop. The camera finds the shadow and zooms in on it.] I'm the hero this town needs. I am... [the shadow turns and is lit up. It's Cartman dressed as...] the Coon! [Cartman looks up to the sky, and graphics for "The Coon" pop up. Next scene, the Coon runs down a street and leaps onto the roof of a car] As the world plummets into despair the Coon fights to keep order intact. [he leaps off the car]
Scene Description: A park bench in the city. A couple sits on it, the partners gazing into each other's eyes.
Josh: Lisa I had a really great time tonight.
Lisa: I did too, Josh.
Josh: Would you... mind very much if I kissed you?
Lisa: Not at all. [they start kissing. A pair of binoculars spies them from some distance.]
The Coon: [voice over. The Coon is on the roof of a public restroom house looking through the binoculars] A woman being raped. This is what our city has been reduced to. When the money goes, the raping starts. Women are helpless... without the Coon.
Lisa: O-hoh, yes Josh. Yehehessss!
The Coon: [leaps into action] Let her go!
Josh: [points to himself] 'Scuse me?
The Coon: You aren't raping anyone tonight!
Josh: Oh, it's a talking squirrel. [The Coon runs at him, leaps onto the bench, and starts clawing at him] Oh!
Lisa: Ah!
Josh: Oh! Ow! Wugh! Oh!
The Coon: [stops clawing and says to Lisa] Get out of here! Get to safety! [Lisa gets up and runs away screaming. The Coon gets back to clawing at Josh]
Josh: Ugh! L-lisa! Call me! Oh! Ow!
The Coon: [voice over as he leaps off the chair and runs off] Another woman saved from rape. But how many more rapists are out there?
Josh: [gently stroking the cuts] Oh that really stings.
Scene Description: Park County Police Station, night.
Officer 1: Here's that file on the Rodriguez case, detective.
Sgt. Yates: Alright, things are pretty quiet out there, boys. Let's try to get caught up on some paperwork. Murphy I want you to- [his eyes widen at something behind Murphy. It's... The Coon, perched on an open window. Murphy turns to look and does a double-take]
The Coon: Don't let the city's peacefulness fool you, commissioner! It's too quiet.
Sgt. Yates: Oh, not this kid again.
Officer 1: Hey, you get out of here. Out.
The Coon: There was another rapist in the park tonight. [jumps into the station] It's no coincidence. It must be a rapist plot and it stinks to the top.
Sgt. Yates: What?
The Coon: I think the Mayor might be involved. It's my theory she might have a lesbian lover who's holding her leash.
Sgt. Yates: Jesus Christ, [looks at the other detectives] can we get a lock on that window? [he turns to look at the Coon] Look kid, you need to stop- [his eyes widen again. Murphy looks over his shoulder again - The Coon is gone, and the window curtains softly sway]
Officer 1: He's gone.
The Coon: [steps out from behind a file cabinet at the other end of the floor] No, I'm just over here now. [all the detectives turn to face him] What do we know about the Mayor's sexual preferences?
Sgt. Yates: Alright, listen: you have five seconds to leave or we're gonna put you in the jail and call your parents!
Officer 1: Jail's full, sir.
Sgt. Yates: Whatever. Then we'll just put you in- [is surprised again. The other detectives are also surprised, as the Coon isn't by the file cabinet anymore.]
The Coon: [appears by the window again] Now I'm back over here.
Sgt. Yates: [walks towards the window] Just get out of here before we-! [another surprised look. The camera looks at an empty floor space]
The Coon: I'm right here now. [the camera moves to the right until he appears]
Sgt. Yates: All right, stop it!
The Coon: Yes, I have to go now. [turns to the window, reaches over and grabs a box, and carries it over to the officers] But in the meantime I have something that might interest you. [turns and walks back to the window] Make sure all your men get a look at these, detective!
Sgt. Yates: What's in here? [two of his officers walk over to open the box. The window is shown again and the Coon is gone. The officers open the box and pull out some shirts - "Who is the Coon?" and the Coon mask are on the front of the shirts]
Scene Description: Neighborhood bus stop, day. Stan, Kenny, and Kyle wait for the bus. Cartman walks up to them.
Cartman: Hey guys. Good morning. [the guys don't respond to him at all] You guys... hear that another rape victim got saved by a superhero last night? They say it was the Coon.
Stan: Who's the Coon?
Cartman: I know, right? [enunciating] "Who is the Coon?" It's what everyone must be asking themselves. Somebody is dressing up at night and taking the law into their own hands. As for me, I certainly don't agree with the Coon's reckless ways. If you ask me, there's no room in this world for vigilantes. I believe the Coon is a menace.
Kyle: ...Yeah, and dressing up and running around at night is faggy anyway.
Cartman: [stunned, turns to Kyle and points] You're a fag, Kyle! Fuck you!
Kyle: ...Dude, what?!
Cartman: He's not a fag!
Kyle: Why do you care?
Cartman: [straightens up and moves off a bit] Oh. I uh... well I ah ah [crosses his arms] I'm just... I'm just mad 'cause you should never use the term "fag," Kyle. That's a hate word. And it's insensitive to butt pirates. Anyway, what do you think about the Coon, Stan and Kenny? Do you think he's the savior this town needs or do you think he's a dangerous vigilante? [neither of them answer him] Kenny?
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Cartman is giving an oral report on the Coon, in the form of a FAQ.
Cartman: And of course the most common question asked is, just who is he? [he's wearing a "Who is the Coon?" shirt] Is he a hero or a menace? [half the class is bored, and Clyde is asleep at his desk. Mr. Garrison reads quietly at his desk] While we can all admit that the Coon is obviously really cool, we should also be asking each other... "Why does he care so much for the people of this town? Why does he sacrifice himself every night to rid our streets of crime? And does he really have the right?" What we all need now- [spots the sleeper] Clyde? Clyde, could you wake up please? This is important. [Clyde wakes up and looks around in a daze] What we all need now is PROOF... that the Coon exists. I believe that tonight from approximately 5 to 5:45 the Coon is going to be on the roof of Walgreens. I know I'll be there with my camera. And I'm sure... many of you will, too.
Scene Description: Walgreen's rooftop, that night. The Coon stands near the edge of the roof waiting for spectators.
The Coon: [voice over] Sometimes it seems the more criminals I try to stop, the more just come out of the back alleys and dilapidated bars. The city is a dying whore. She calls out to me to save her. And I don't know if I can. But she is still my city. [another little superhero walks up to the edge of roof a few feet from the Coon] And I cannot just sit and watch as innocent peole are- [the Coon notices] Who the hell is that? [looks the new hero over a few times, then walks up to him and asks] Who the hell are you?
M: [this hero wears an M on his shirt and a ? on his hood] I'm an angel keeping watch over the city at night. As violence and darkness take over the streets, I work to rid this city of crime. I'm the symbol this town needs.
The Coon: Aw nonononono, I am the symbol this town needs! [M ignores him] Dude, seriously, you can't do that! Go home! I was, I was doing this first!
M: Nuh uh.
The Coon: Yeah huh! You heard of the Coon and now you're being a copycat. Is that your name? Copycat?
M: I am Mysterion.
The Coon: Mysterion? That's fucking retarded! You just gave yourself away, Craig! Only you would think of a name that dumb!
Mysterion: I might be Craig, and then again I might not be. My identity must remain a secret. You cannot know.
The Coon: Yeah? Well you cannot know my true identity either.
Mysterion: I assume you must be Cartman, because you're fat.
The Coon: [thinks for a few seconds] Well you're wrong! I'm not Eric Cartman and he's not fat! Care to guess again?!
Mysterion: I really don't care who you are.
The Coon: Oh all right Kyle! Yeah, took me real long to figure it out! Only you, Kyle, would be a buzzkill, and try to steal my thunder! You don't care about stopping crime, you're just doing this... 'cause you hate me, Kyle!
Mysterion: Kyle hates Eric Cartman. Are you saying you're Eric Cartman?
The Coon: No, I'm no- I [makes his voice gruff again] I'm sayin' that... Goddammit Stan is that you? It is you, isn't it? Clyde? Clyde, you're not a superhero, I am!
Mysterion: I cannot stand here and make idle conversation any longer. The city needs my help. There are innocents to protect. [leaps off the roof and out of view]
The Coon: NO! Dude, I'm seriously! You're being a copycat! I'll sue you! [no one replies] Motherfucker!
Scene Description: South Park Elementary playground, day. The camera looks at various kids at play.
Cartman: [voice over. He's seated alone on a merry-go-round] Which one of them is it? Somebody is dressing up and pretending to be a superhero! But who? Has to be one of the guys in my class, 'cause only they knew that the Coon would be on the rooftop of Walgreens. [shuts his eyes] No, stop. Can't think about that right now. Have to focus. [opens his eyes, keeping a look of determination on his face] Tomorrow is the most important day in the Coon's life. Everything the Coon has lived and fought for comes down to tomorrow. Concentrate.
Scene Description: Tomorrow arrives, and the Airport Hilton is shown. Event for that day, Coonicon.
Scene Description: The Airport Hilton. Inside, The Coon has set up a convention for himself. A framed poster announced the Coon, Live and In Person.
The Coon: [alone in the room] How is it that nobody came to Coonicon 09? This is just, this is fucking ridiculous!
Maitre D: Got everything you need here, sir? Okay on beverages, buffet items?
The Coon: Yes, it's fine!
Maitre D: Great. Hey, I just want to say that the Airport Hilton really appreciates your continued business.
The Coon: What do you mean "continued"? You don't know who I am!
Maitre D: Aren't you that little boy who had his ginger pride rally and his AIDS benefit here, before?
The Coon: No, I'm not that kid!
Maitre D: Oh. Oh oh really? Oh my bad. I'm actually relieved. That kid was kind of a douchebag.
The Coon: [looks back at him] You're a fucking douchebag! Get outta here!
Scene Description: Cartman's house, night. Cartman returns home from the Coonicon depressed. He walks in slowly and kicks the door shut.
Cartman: [sadly] Hunh!
Liane: Oh, hello sweetie. What did you do today?
Cartman: I got boned! That's what I did, Mom! I try to do good stuff and nobody even notices!
Liane: [puts her left hand on his right shoulder] Aww, what happened, hun?
Cartman: I can't tell you what happened 'cause it's about my super secret double life!
Scene Description: A Channel 9 Newscast begins.
Anchor: Tonight an incredible story of an unknown child in South Park who has taken to the streets in an effort to fight crime.
Cartman: [suddenly hopeful, looks at the TV] Wha, what?
Anchor: But who exactly is... Mysterion? [a silhouette appears, but it doesn't look like the Coon's]
Cartman: [angrily] What?!
Anchor: Curious crowds in the town of South Park, Colorado. [people mill around looking for pictures of Mysterion to take] They've brought binoculars and camera phones trying to get a shot of a mysterious superhero.
Man 1: Uh, he was dressed mostly in black with a kind of... cloak.
Woman 1: He jumped down from the fire escape stairs, and then he just ran off. We barely got a look at him.
Man 2: To me it looked like Mysterion to me. Everyone who's seen Mysterion, say yeah!
Crowd: Yeah! [the man grins, showing off some gold teeth]
Man 3: Well I, I think he's kind of a symbol for the town, you know? A, a symbol that everyone who's sick of crime can uh can rally behind.
Cartman: Fuckin' butthole!
Man 4: [behind the wheel] Well if you ask me, he's a menace. There's no room for vigilantism in today's world!
Reporter: [showing some "AMATEUR SKETCH" images worthy of a graphic novel] This artist rendition of Mysterion has already generated thousands of copies.
Cartman: You gotta be kidding me!
Reporter: As hundreds of people gather to try and get a glimpse of the superhero, one question remains: Who is Mysterion? [everyone around him begins to ask the same question]
Anchor: If you have any idea about the true identity of Mysterion, please call the 9 News Hotline.
Cartman: [shakes in anger] AAAAAHT!! [turns right and leaves in a huff]
Scene Description: News stand, night. The headline on today's South Park Herald: "Who Is Mysterion?" The camera pulls back to reveal Mysterion looking around and running down the sidewalk across the street.
Mysterion: [voice over] I could no longer sit by and watch as my city became a cesspool of crime. [a shot of City Hall. Mysterion appears on the roof by the dome] I have lived in South Park all my life. I decided it was up to me to keep this town safe. [he leaps off the roof and soon climbs up a rain gutter] Nobody at school knows my double life. To them, I'm just another fourth grader. But tonight, I am Mysterion. [climbs in through a window ...into the police station.]
Scene Description: Park County Police Station.
Sgt. Yates: Oh, Mysterion, thank God you've come. What news do you have?
Mysterion: There's some graffiti on the bridge again. I think those sixth grade kids are doing it. And the guy at the movie theater is harassing Mexicans again.
Officer 2: We'll get right on it, Mysterion. Thank you. Thank you for all your help. [Mysterion climbs out the window and goes down the fire escape ladder. The officer walks over to the window] Godspeed, Mysterion!
Sgt. Yates: You are a beacon of hope in an otherwise bleak and dreary world! [as Mysterion walks away from the police station, the Coon jumps into his path.]
The Coon: Dude, seriously? I'm gonna kick the shit out of you if you don't stop!
Mysterion: This city needs my help. It cries for protection and I will-
Mysterion, The Coon: Answer the call to save her.
The Coon: That's what I'm supposed to say! I know it's you, Kyle. Just stop!
Mysterion: I don't have time for this. [brings out some fireworks and lights the fuse. He drops the fireworks on the ground and leaves. They pop up and deter the Coon from following him. When the smoke clears the Coon looks around and doesn't see anyone.]
The Coon: Fireworks are illegal in Colorado, you asshole! [to the officers on the second floor] Hey, he's got fireworks!
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. A pissed-off Cartman, wearing his "Who is the Coon?" T-shirt, walks down the hall until he finds his classmates.
Cartman: So, guys! Any of you do anything interesting last night?!
Stan: Not really.
Cartman: Really?! Nobody was playing with any fireworks?! [grabs Stan's right hand and sniffs it vigorously, then lets it go and looks around for other suspects]
Stan: Dude, what the hell?
Cartman: Aha! Kenny! I should have known! [walks over to Kenny's locker and points] Why do you have a picture of Mysterion in your locker, Kenny?! [points at Kenny] Unless you are Mysterion!
Stan: [opens his door to demonstrate something] Dude, I have a picture of Mysterion in my locker too.
Clyde: Yeah, so do I.
Cartman: What?! Why?
Clyde: I don't know, it's just a cool costume.
Cartman: It's not a cool costume! He just wears his underwear over his buttfucking pants! Now, come on, which one of you guys is it?!
Wendy: [walking by] How are you so sure Mysterion is a boy?
Cartman: [gasps and walks away a bit to watch Wendy leave] Fucking bitch...
Scene Description: U Stor It storage facility, night. Two pigeons perched on the top of the sign suddenly take wing.
The Coon: [voice over] I had no choice. [he peeks out from behind a building, then runs] I was at the end of my rope. [he hears a sound and turns to its direction] Sometimes when a superhero needs answers, he has to turn to the wretched underbelly of society.
A Voice: Hahahahahahahahaaa... Look what the cat dragged in.
The Coon: Come out where I can see you!
A Voice: What's the matter, Coon? Nervous?
The Coon: [voice over] I didn't want to resort to this, but he could have the answers I need.
A Voice: How utterly delightful! The heroic and mighty Coon [Professor Chaos leaps into view] come to put a stop to me again.
The Coon: [voice over] Chaos. I need to keep on my toes. [speaks] I'm not here to stop you this time, Chaos! I need information.
Professor Chaos: Oh I'm sure you do. But you see I [almost trips on his cape] whoop. [recovers] But you see I also know you like to beat me up.
The Coon: I didn't call you to fight, Chaos! I came to see if you know Mysterion's identity. [the two adversaries begin to circle each other]
Professor Chaos: Oh I'm close. And I'll put an end to him, and all of you goody-two-shoe heroes!
The Coon: I'm not on his side!
Professor Chaos: Do you think I'm a fool?! All those times you stopped me from my acts of evil! All those times you tricked me into meeting you, and then ga- and then gave me titty-twisters! Not this time, Coon! I finally learned my lesson! Now, General Disarray! [General Disarray holds a rope on the roof behind the Coon at the end of the storage building. He jumps down and swings towards the Coon and knocks him down] Yeah-ha! [General Disarray tries to keep the Coon on the ground.]
The Coon: That's it! [stands up]
Professor Chaos: O- oh careful General Disarray.
The Coon: Agh- Stop it! You, you... butthole! Knock it off!
Professor Chaos: Hehyeah! We beat him, General Disarray! [General Disarray has the Coon in a choke hold]
The Coon: Listen to me! I want to... help you... get rid of Mysterion!
Professor Chaos: Let him go, General Disarray! [General Disarray lets go and hops off. Professor Chaos puts his fists to his waist] Why would you help us?!
The Coon: Because Mysterion is trying to [bumps General Disarray off. General Disarray strikes a couple of trash cans and gets up a bit dazed] You fucker, that fuckin' hurt! [turns towards Professor Chaos] Because Mysterion is trying to say he's the hero this town needs! But that's my job!
Professor Chaos: But you both fight for justice and good.
The Coon: Yeah, but he's a fuckin' dick! I want him gone just as much as you do!
Professor Chaos: Very well. I will show you what we know about Mysterion's identity, but if this is some kind of setup-
The Coon: N- I'm the good guy, Chaos. I don't betray people.
Professor Chaos: Weh- oh yeah. [turns and walks away. General Disarray walks away also, and the Coon follows them]
The Coon: [voice over] I didn't like having to work with this scumbag. But I knew Mysterion was out there, plotting his next move.
Scene Description: Kyle's room, night. Kyle sits at his desk deep in thought.
Mysterion: [on Kyle's bed] Hello Kyle.
Kyle: [looks, then jumps in his seat] Whoa, what the?
Mysterion: Do not be afraid. I mean you no harm.
Kyle: Hey. Hey, you're that Mysterion kid.
Mysterion: Yes. But now I believe someone is trying to learn my true identity.
Kyle: Dude, everyone's trying to figure out who you are.
Mysterion: [turns away from Kyle] I cannot be unmasked, for then I would stop being a symbol. I need help. Somebody who can do background checks for me, do some investigating.
Kyle: Who? Me? Why?
Mysterion: Because I think you are the smartest kid in class. [looks over his shoulder. Kyle just stands there.]
Scene Description: U Stor It storage facility, night.
Professor Chaos: This way! We will now show you our secret headquarters of DOOM.
The Coon: You guys have your own storage facility?
Professor Chaos: Actually it belongs to General Disarray's grandma, um but she lets us use it. [General Disarray removes the lock from the unit and tries to lift the door. Professor Chaos helps him out and holds the door open as General Disarray and the Coon enter, then enters and lets the door drop closed behind them. Professor Chaos leads the Coon through the unit] This is where we come up with all our evil plans. Here's our computer relays. [a TV on a large stereo console with a toy keyboard attached] And this is like a, a cube of chaos that can destroy the world in one second! [an unsolved Rubik's Cube under glass, on a table from which a sign hangs: WARNING DO NOT TOUCH!] And here's some of our evil minions! [hamsters] We have everything we need here. Can I offer you a Coke or a Sprite or something?
The Coon: I'll take a Sprite.
Professor Chaos: Uhget the Coon a Sprite, General Disarray. [General Disarray leaves to get the Sprite while Professor Chaos takes the Coon to a wall with pictures of the other guys in class on it] As you can see we too have been working hard on Mysterion's identity.
The Coon: You have an entire wall dedicated to Mysterion? What about...? Do you, do you still have that "Who Is The Coon?" T-shirt I gave you?
Professor Chaos: Oh yeah, I think it's around here somewhere. Uh, using our photos we are tryin' to pinpoint Mysterion's identity.
The Coon: Why is Cartman crossed out? He, he could be Mysterion.
Professor Chaos: No, he's too fat. Based on his body type it's gotta be someone like Stan or Kyle. [The Coon turns away, insulted, but his eyes pop open as he sees who the Coon suspects are: Harvey Fierstein, Cartman, and Bruce Vilanch. It just makes him angrier]
The Coon: Alright, al, alright, alright, look, Chaos. Just set up a video camera. I know how we can put an end to Mysterion once and for all.
Scene Description: Channel Nine News splash screen comes up.
Anchor: The clock is ticking and the citizens of South Park are gripped in fear. Two days ago an evil unknown terrorist threatened major consequences if Mysterion [a pic of Mysterion appears] does not reveal his identity.
Professor Chaos: [from his headquarters, reading a prepared statement] Mark my words, South Park! Your precious hero is now, uh, your undoing! If Mysterion does not unmask himself publicly by Wednesday night, I am going to blow up... a hospital. Blow up a hospital? [looks off to his right] I'm not gonna blow up any hospital. Are you nuts? What? [turns to the camera] Uh, the choice is yours, Mysterion! Unmask yourself or hundreds will die! Hahaha. [looks off to his right again] Jesus Christ.
Anchor: Since the threat was issued there has been no sign of Mysterion. Where is Mysterion?
Anchor 2: [through his teeth] Where is Mysterion?
Scene Description: On the first floor of a construction site. Chaos, Coon, and Disarray are there with lots of TNT piled up around them. There are no walls up, so the floor is open.
Professor Chaos: Hey Coon w-we aren't actually gonna blo- blow up anything, are we?
The Coon: If you don't make good on your threats, Chaos, then what good are your threats?
Professor Chaos: But you really wanna blow up a hospital? I mean, a-aren't you a good guy?
The Coon: Sometimes blowing up hospitals is for the greater good, Chaos.
General Disarray: [walks up to Professor Chaos] You know, I've been thinking: if we're really evil villains, then we should betray him, and blow him up with the hospital.
The Coon: You know, you're a little scrotum-licker dude! Why don't you shut the fuck up?! [turns and runs to the edge of the floor] Alright Chaos, I'm gonna get the triggers for these things at ACE Hardware. Keep an eye on this stuff! [jumps down to the ground]
Professor Chaos: Aww jeez General Disarray, this is a lot more than I ever really intended. [General Disarray almost loses his balance twice, but recovers both times] I mean, well I hate the world and all its puny inhabitants and all but, but blowin' up a hospital? It just seems mean. [a shadow spreads across the floor before them. They look towards the shadow's source and find Mysterion standing on a beam above them. Chaos gasps] Whoa. Oh hamburgers!
General Disarray: AAAGH! [runs away to the other end of the floor and behind some boxes of TNT]
Professor Chaos: Aaah, a m m Mysterion, I b-, I beg you, I mean ah, judahadahada...
Mysterion: Why are you doing this?! This isn't your usual MO, Chaos!
Professor Chaos: Whowell I b- Well I b- ah I just would jes one nigh-, and then the Coon saw it up and I wa able to, and was able to [begins to mumble and fade out]
Scene Description: On the street below people walk along the sidewalks unaware of anything happening above them until a scream is heard.
Professor Chaos: Waaugh!
Man 5: What is that?
Scene Description: On the construction site Professor Chaos and Mysterion fight.
Man 6: Look! Mysterion and Professor Chaos are fighting!
Man 7: Give him hell, Mysterion! [more people appear and begin cheering the fight. General Disarray returns to help Professor Chaos]
Woman 2: Look out Mysterion! General Disarray is behind you! [General Disarray grabs onto Mysterion's left leg]
Officer 3: Jesus Christ, we need backup out here! [a police car pulls up as he says this. A sniper tries to train his scope on Professor Chaos]
Officer 4: I think I can get a shot at Chaos, sir.
Sgt. Yates: [stays his officer's rifle] You think your bullets can hurt him? [Chaos and Disarray have defeated Mysterion, who lies unconscious on his back against some open bags of plaster. The crowd below gasps]
Professor Chaos: Yeah, we did it!
Man 8: [breaking the crowd's silence] He's dead. Mysterion is dead.
Woman 3: Nooo... [begins to sob. Other begin to sob too]
Reporter: The impossible has happened. Mysterion, beloved protector of the city, is dead. Who will save us now?
Man 9: Wait! Look! [Mysterion begins to move and wakes up]
Officer 4: He's all right! [the crowd cheers and the battle between Mysterion and Chaos resumes, with Disarray trying to restrain Mysterion. Mysterion throws him off, and Disarray runs away again]
Cartman: [offscreen] Oh my God, look everyone, it's the Coon!
The Coon: [walking up a ramp to the first floor] Fear not everyone! Coon is here to save the day.
Man 10: Isn't that Bruce Vilanch?
Man 11: Be careful Bruce Vilanch! There are superhumans fighting right over there!
Professor Chaos: Okay sorry sorry! I'm sorry! I give up! Please, I give up!
The Coon: Don't worry, Mysterion! [Mysterion gets off Chaos and Chaos stands up] The Coon will now help you!
Professor Chaos: Well, wait! I thought we were workin' together. [the Coon punches him in the mouth] Waaa. [sprouts a bloody nose] Oh jeez, I think I broke a tooth. [covers his face, turns left and runs out of view, mumbling. The crowd cheers some more]
The Coon: That was great teamwork, Mysterion. South Park is safe. Until next time.
Mysterion: What next time?
The Coon: Well, people are obviously so desperate to learn your identity that they'll do anything. Won't be long before the next villain comes along and threatens violence unless you take off your mask. [Mysterion gives this some thought.]
Scene Description: Park County Police Station. Mysterion stands at a podium flanked by the Coon and the Park County police.
Mysterion: Citizens, tonight has shown me I have no choice but to unmask myself.
Sgt. Yates: Don't do it, Mysterion! If you show your identity we'll be forced to arrest you for being a vigilante!
The Coon: Don't you think he knows that?! But superheroes know that sometimes you have to sacrifice yourself for the greater good.
Man 12: Don't show your face, Mysterion!
Man 13: You have to be a symbol!
The Coon: So that the next terrorist can threaten South Park if he doesn't unmask himself?!
Mysterion: No, it's true. As long as my identity is a mystery, this will just happen again and again. It has to end. I will show my face. [the camera zooms in on him as he gets ready to remove his mask. As soon as he shows his eyes and nose, the camera stops]
Crowd: Ohhh.
Man 14: [holding a camera] Well I'll be.
The Coon: I knew it was you! 'Member I even said it before!
Mr. Garrison: Wow, a kid from my class was Mysterion.
Sgt. Yates: Well I'm sorry but you're under arrest. Take the kid to jail. [hands Mysterion over to Murphy, who escorts him away]
The Coon: [voice over] My entire plan worked to perfection. [holds up his right hand] My work here is done. [leaps away, then appears on the roof of a building] With Mysterion out of the way the Coon can finally go back to keeping the city safe. [runs across the roof and leaps down, holding on to the sides of a ladder. He leaps off the bottom of the ladder and plants his right hand on the ground] Once again, I alone am the symbol this town can stand behind. [he eats a burger meal at a fast food restaurant] Every town needs a hero. [walks down a street towards sunset] Every town needs... a Coon. [looks back at the camera, then turns away and resumes walking. Last scene has the Coon riding down the street on his Big Coon Wheel tricycle]