Scene Description: South Park, day. A car with a woman seated in it appears on a hill - Jennifer Lopez doll with car, and some damage from the firecracker last time.
Stan: [voice only] "So, we meet again, Jennifer Lopez!"
Kyle: [face appears] "No, no, please! This time I swear I won't make albums or movies."
Stan: [face appears] "That's what you said last time [pulls out a magnifying glass from his back pocket], but obviously we must now resort to more drastic measures" [moves the magnifying glass over the doll's body and fixes it there, focusing the sun's rays into a point]
Kyle: [fakes a cry] "Oh God it burns! It bur-huhurns!"
Stan: "Scream for me, bitch!"
Kyle: "AAAAAAAH!" [the doll's head begins to melt and shrivel, then Stan removes the magnifying glass]
Stan, Kyle: Whoa! Awesome!
Cartman: [runs up excitedly] Ey you guys! You guys! Come 'ere, you guys, come check this out!
Stan: Oh no, what now?
Cartman: No, you guys, this is really cool. Come on! [goes away, and Stan and Kyle follow]
Scene Description: Kenny's house, later. Cartman, Stan, and Kyle approach the house. Kenny's on the front lawn with a dog, and the other boys join him
Kyle: What's this all about, Kenny?
Kenny: (Wait until you see what I can do to the dog!)
Cartman: Watch this. It's sooo funny. [grins] Come 'ere, dog, come on. [giggles as he starts jacking the dog's penis] Good dog. [the dog rolls over on its back ] Red rocket red rocket. [Stan and Kyle look at each other. Kenny starts to laugh and clap, and the dog's penis lengthens] Red rocket. Red rocket. [chuckles] Come on. [giggles]
Stan: Cartman, what the hell are you doing?
Cartman: I'm milking the dog. They make dog milk.
Kyle: No they don't!
Kenny: (Yeah they do!)
Cartman: [continues milking] Yeah, just hold on a minute. The fifth graders showed us how to do it. [concentrates on the dog] Red rocket. Come on, dog, red rocket! [the dogs ejaculates, and the semen lands on Cartman's face] Ohooohhh!
Stan: Whoa, cool! [the dog quickly stands up and walks off]
Kyle: That's awesome!
Cartman: I told you guys.
Stan: I had no idea dogs made milk; do it again.
Cartman: [sighs] Dumbass, you can only milk a dog once every few hours. It doesn't work if you beat off the dog again right away.
Kyle: You "beat off?"
Cartman: [rolls his eyes up] That's what it's called when you milk a dog: beating it off. [looks at Kenny] Don't you guys know anything?
Stan: Wow, you learned all this from the fifth graders?
Cartman: Yeah, I guess they thought we were cool, so they showed us how to do it-hey come here, dog. Dog, come here! [laughs as a gray dog approaches]
Scene Description: Stan's house, night. Sharon is holding court in the living room, in a circle of chairs. She and Randy have eight guests over for some discussion...
Sharon: I was really happy with this month's book. I agree with what Bob and Linda said-
Stan: [rushes in with Sparky] Mom! Dad! You gotta see this!
Sharon: Not now, Stanley. This is Mommy and Daddy's book club night, remember?
Stan: But it's super-cool!
Sharon: Later, sweetie. [to the group] Anyway, I found myself enticed by Steinbeck's imagery.
Man: Uh the first chapter alone was filled with poetry.
Sharon: [Stan takes the dog and sets up near the table, away from the club circle] Oh, wasn't it? I mean, the first sentence: [reads from "Cannery Row." Stan starts milking the dog]
Stan: Red rocket. Red rocket, Sparky. Red rocket.
Sharon: "Cannery Row in Monterey in California-" ["Red rocket. Red rocket, Sparky. Red rocket."] "-is a poem, a stink, a grating noise..." [The other adults lean in to see the action in the background. "Red rocket. Red rocket, Sparky."] It's amazing how with three images [Mrs. Tweek covers her mouth as Mr. Tweek looks on, surprised] he puts you right there, and...
Stan: [his parents turn at the sound of his voice] Red rocket, red rocket!
Randy: [recognizes the activity] WAAAH!
Sharon: Stanley, what the hell are you doing?!
Stan: I'm beating off the dog. Red rocket, red rocket. [the other adults turn away or show shocked looks]
Sharon: [both parents now standing] STANLEY, YOU GO TO YOUR ROOM RIGHT NOW!
Stan: My room? Why?
Sharon: Go, Stanley! [he walks off to his room. Sparky looks at the group, then gets up and follows Stan out, with penis still erect. Sharon turns around and says sheepishly] Ahaha, ahem. Heheh, he, he gets very good grades.
Scene Description: Stan's house, later. His parents have entered his room, quite upset at his behavior earlier. Stan rests his head on his hands.
Sharon: Stanley, do you know why you're being grounded for ten months?
Stan: No!
Randy: Beating off the dog is not appropriate when we have company! [Sharon glances at him] Ah I mean, ever! Beating off the dog is not appropriate ever!
Stan: Why?! What's the big deal?!
Sharon: Stanley, don't you understand what you are doing??
Stan: I was doing "red rocket" to make the dog's milk come out.
Randy: No, Stan! What you were doing to the dog was-ss sexual.
Stan: Huh??
Sharon: You were stimulating the dog, Stanley! What came out of him was his... r-Randy?!
Randy: Well, you know, when you do that to a m-male... the... eh eh you make his... stuff come out. [Stan looks confused] Well, Jesus, haven't they taught you these things at school?!
Stan: What things??
Sharon: Sexual education. Haven't you learned that yet?
Stan: No!
Sharon: Oh. Look, well, you see, Stanley,... Well, your school should be teaching this stuff!
Randy: Yeah! Let's get that damned school on the phone! [walks out the door. Sharon follows him out. Stan looks ahead blankly]
Scene Description: South Park PTA meeting, night. The parents are there, clamoring and arguing.
Principal Victoria: Okay, parents. I know a lot of you want a chance to speak, but we have to talk one at a time.
Sharon: [stands] Look, our kids are learning sexual things on the street and on television. There's no way we can stop it. The schools have to teach them sexual education at a younger age.
Principal Victoria: School policy has been to teach sexual education later. In the fifth grade.
Mr. Tweek: It isn't soon enough.
Stuart: Yeah. Why, just this afternoon our son was caught beatin' off our dog. [Randy and Sharon look at each other in recognition of the act]
Chef: Look, parents. Do you really want your children learning about sex? Part of the fun of being a kid is being naive! Let them be kids for a while.
Ms. Choksondik: Naive at what cost, Chef? Parents, we have to face facts: Children in America are having sex at younger and younger ages. STDs are affecting younger and younger kids all the time. The only way we can combat that is by educating children before they have sex.
Chef: The first thing that kids learn about sex shouldn't be some bitch-scare tactic about STDs.
Sheila: [rising] No, she's right! With all the teen pregnancies that are out today, I think my boy does need to know about sexual education. [sits, then rises again] From the school.
Adults: Yeah. Uh huh. Yeah, we have to.
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. "Fourth Grade B" is shown on a classroom door. Sixteen boys are present.
Mr. Mackey: Okay, boys, this is the first day of sexual education, m'kay? Now, I know that some of you think this is very funny. Words like "penis" and "vagina." [Stan, Kyle, Kenny, and Cartman stifle some giggles] Nuh- now STOP that, m'kay! We're goin' tuh get through this by being mature and grown up, m'kay. [turns and goes over to turn off the light, and turn on the projector with a remote control. Color cross-sections of male and female anatomies show up on the screen. Mackey jabs the screen with his pointer. The boys, especially Kyle, analyze the pictures. Mackey then points to the male anatomy] Now, this is the male anatomy, m'kay. Here we see the testes and the scrotum. [Stan, Kyle, Kenny, and Cartman stifle some more giggles] STOP that, m'kay! The next person that laughs is gonna get a referral! [the boys stop quick] M'kay. Now, in order to have intercourse, the man takes his penis, and he... hmmm... uhh... [slows his speech a bit] let's see, the man takes his penis, and he... hm.
Stan: Dude, haven't you ever had intercourse, Mr. Mackey?
Mr. Mackey: Well, sure I have! It's just... I was about 19 at the time, so it's been about 21 years... m'kay. Let's see, uh... [turns around and starts again] I'm pretty sure I took th-yeah I took the penis, and I bu- uh, what the hell did I do with that damned thing??
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. "Fourth Grade" is shown on a classroom door - this is Ms. Choksondik's room. Twelve girls are present.
Ms. Choksondik: Alright girls, even though this may be stuff you don't want to hear, you need to hear it.
Wendy: Oh, we wanna hear it, Ms. Choksondik. We're excited.
Bebe: Yeah, we think it's gonna be fun!
Girls: Yeah!
Ms. Choksondik: Fun! It's going to be fun! Well let's start with our first lesson, then, shall we? [writes on the board] SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED DISEASES!! [the girls sit quietly] That's right, because unless you get boys to wear condoms you can and will get a sexually transmitted disease from them! How fun is that, hmmm?! Is that fun?
Wendy: I didn't mean that-
Ms. Choksondik: Today over 20,000 Americans will contract a sexual disease! TODAY! Twelve thousand more tomorrow! And the reason is that you girls wake up in the morning and say, "It's not going to happen to me." You say, "Oh, Ms. Choksondik, that happens to girls in Detroit, in Brooklyn, but not here in Colorado." WRONG! [the girls look chastened] Gonorrhea, herpes, chlamydia, HPV, HIV, syphilis, hepatitis B, hepatitis C, the list goes on and on! These are serious diseases! They have serious consequences! [the girls are definitely afraid] You think that sex is about fun and games and love? [now with a folder in her left hand] Wrong! Sex is about disease! Here's a little picture of herpes.
Girls: AAAHHH!
Ms. Choksondik: And here's a little syphilis for you!
Girls: AAAHHH!
Ms. Choksondik: That's right, girls. Here's what happens when you don't get boys to use condoms!
Scene Description: The school kitchen, lunch.
Chef: Hello there, children.
Boys: Hey Chef.
Chef: How is sexual education class going?
Stan: It's dumb. Mr. Mackey doesn't teach us nothin'.
Chef: Yeah, I don't think Ol' Mackey knows a hymen from a hysterectomy. And Choksondik? I'd be surprised if she's ever gotten laid in her life.
Kyle: Yeah... Chef, what's "laid"?
Chef: ...Oh, nothin'. Now, move along, children, you're holdin' up the line.
Scene Description: The school cafeteria, moments later. The boys exit the kitchen. Behind them are Tweek, Token, Clyde, Butters, Kevin and Timmy.
Kyle: Hey! Maybe we should ask the girls what they learned in sex ed.
Stan: Yeah. [they approach the girls] Hey Wendy, did you guys get-
Girls: AAAAHHH! [hurry away from their table]
Kyle: What the hell is wrong with them? [the boys move towards the girls, who now have their backs against the far wall]
Stan: You guys, we just wanna know-
Girls: AAAAHHH!
Wendy: Stay away from me, Stan!
Stan: Why?
Wendy: Are you wearing a condom?
Stan: ...A what?
Girls: AAAAHHH!
Bebe: Do any of you have your condoms on?
Kyle: No.
Girls: AAAAHHH!
Wendy: Don't you know that without wearing a condom you could get a disease?
Kyle: Nuh uh.
Bebe: Yuh huh! If you don't wear a condom, you're gonna get AIDS.
Cartman: AIDS?
Butters: Oh, jeez. Ah I don't wanna get the AIDS, fellas.
Kyle: Is that what you learned in sex ed?
Cartman: Mr. Mackey didn't say nothin' about that.
Stan: Dude, Mr. Mackey didn't know anything about anything.
Wendy: You guys have to wear condoms. Now, please, just, just go away. We don't want your AIDS.
Stan: [moves towards Wendy] But Wendy, we don't understand how that-
Girls: AAAAHHH! [they throw their food up in the air and scatter, leaving the boys confused]
Kyle: Oh my God, dude.
Butters: Uh what are we gonna do, huh?
Stan: Dude, we gotta go get condoms quick.
Boys: Yeah. [they set their meals down at nearby tables and walk away. Cartman returns for his meal and takes it with him]
Scene Description: South Park pharmacy. The boys go in: Stan, Kyle, Cartman, Kenny, Clyde, Token, Butters, Kevin, Tweek, and Timmy
Pharmacist: Can I help you boys?
Stan: Yeah, we need condoms!
Pharmacist: [looks at them funny] Condoms?
Kyle: Yeah. Quick!
Pharmacist: How old are you boys?
Stan: Why does that matter?
Butters: Ha-I'll be nine next week.
Pharmacist: Sorry, kids, I'm not selling you condoms.
Kyle: Well why not? You want us to get AIDS?
Pharmacist: I just don't think kids your age should be-
Assistant: [intervening] Mark, we have to be willing to supply condoms to anyone who requests them.
Mark: But... they're... children!
Assistant: Would you rather them do it unprotected?
Cartman: Yeah, you want us unprotected, asshole?!
Mark: I just think that all this sex ed and condom talk in elementary school is wrong!
Assistant: Kids are going to do what they do, and it's up to us to make sure they're protected.
Stan: Well, I'm glad this lady's on our side.
Mark: I don't think we have any that'll even fit them!
Assistant: Sure we do. We just got in the new Gladiators for kids. 'Lil Mini's. They're specially designed for kids under 10, and they're only five ninety five for a box of fifty.
Butters: Fifty?? Uh, can't we just use the same one every day?
Assistant: No, you have to change it.
Kyle: Oh, jeez, we're gonna have to buy tons of these things.
Scene Description: Ms. Choksondik's house, night. Mr. Mackey has come by for a visit. Books sit on two tables and the floor
Mr. Mackey: Uh thanks so much for letting me come over, Ms. Choksondik.
Ms. Choksondik: Oh, it's no problem, Mr. Mackey. It's probably best we come up with a lesson plan together anyway.
Mr. Mackey: Yeah I've already gone over most of the basics, you know, uh with the boys, but I uh... eh just wanted to see what else you were teaching the girls, in case I... "missed" anything.
Ms. Choksondik: [reaches for a book and opens it] Well we should make sure our students are good and scared of the consequences. We have to teach them that diseases are possible even with just oral sex.
Mr. Mackey: Right! Oral sex, which of course would be...
Ms. Choksondik: [reading, then she looks at him] Using your mouth on the penis or vagina.
Mr. Mackey: Penis or vagina, right. Oral sex, m'kay.
Ms. Choksondik: It's just too bad these girls are having sex so young.
Mr. Mackey: Yeah, why d-uh, did you?
Ms. Choksondik: Did I what?
Mr. Mackey: Well uh, how long did you wait before you had... uh... doobers.
Ms. Choksondik: Well, if you must know, I'm still somewhat of a virgin. [thinks, then quickly adds] But I'm not ashamed of it! I wasn't sought after much in high school or college. [rises and moves off some distance] I was made fun of most of my life for having such large glasses. [looks down at her rims] The only boyfriend I ever had was this attractive popular boy named Steven Garrett. I liked him very much, but I... found out that he was dating me because he lost a bet on the Super Bowl. The loser had to go out with me for three days.
Mr. Mackey: Oh, I'm... I'm sorry.
Ms. Choksondik: People can be very cruel. Anyway, I know it's hard to understand.
Mr. Mackey: Ah actually I understand perfectly. I... I wasn't exactly the captain of the football team, either, huh huh, hehehuh, [softly] anyhow [normal] And then as I got older my... my head just sorta seemed to get bigger while the rest of my body stayed the same. That's how I got my nickname in college. [places the book on the side table]
Ms. Choksondik: Your nickname?
Mr. Mackey: "That guy with the really big head."
Ms. Choksondik: ...Right.
Mr. Mackey: Anyway, I... I sort of lost any confidence and found it impossible to ever ask a woman out, mm, hm mm.
Ms. Choksondik: Wow, I've... never met a man who is... as sexually unappealing as me.
Mr. Mackey: Neither have I.
Ms. Choksondik: [pause] Well, I'm quite happy without sex. I mean, with all the diseases and problems out there, who needs it, right?
Mr. Mackey: Uh not me! [they both giggle.] Huhuh, okay.
Ms. Choksondik: Well, back to the lesson plan, then.
Mr. Mackey: Right. [gets the book again]
Ms. Choksondik: Okay. [they both open their books] "Oral Sex"
Scene Description: Bus stop, day. The boys are gathered there waiting...
Stan: Doesn't it give any other directions?
Butters: Nope. It looks like you're just supposed to roll it over your wiener. [takes a condom out and gives the bag it Kyle] "If used properly, latex condoms are effective against pregnancy, AIDS and other studzes"
Kyle: Uh, what are "studzes"
Butters: How the heck should I know? [removes the wrapper from the condom] Why, it's just a little doughnut. [squeezes it a little] Hoh- it's all gooey.
Cartman: Just put it on, Butters.
Butters: Ha-a how come I gotta go first?
Cartman: Butters, will you stop ff-fili-bustering?
Butters: Ma-a-a-a-a-a alright, man. [turns his back to the camera and drops his pants, then slips the condom on] O-o-o-o-h, it's sticky.
Kyle: It says you gotta check it for holes or tears.
Butters: I don't even understand how this thing... ooh, wait. Oh, I see. [Cartman leans in for a better look]
Stan: Don't look at Butters' schlong, gaymo!
Cartman: I wasn't looking as his schlong, I was seeing how to put the condom on!
Kyle: Sure.
Butters: But it won't stay on. I- I need a rubber band or somethin'.
Tweek: Ah, I got rubber bands. [pulls a few out and walks over to Butters. Butters takes one]
Butters: [rubber band snaps in place] Ow! Huhuh, ow! Okay, eh. [snap] Ow! There. Okay, I think it's on.
Stan: How do you feel?
Butters: ...Pretty good.
Cartman: Do you feel protected?
Butters: Yeah, there ain't nothin' that's gettin' in my wiener through this thing? A-and it's even got a little reservoir at the end so you can... pee in it.
Stan: Alright, here, everybody. [begins to move from his end to the other, visiting each of the boys] Tweek, give everyone a rubber band. Hey, somebody's gotta help Timmy put his condom on.
Timmy: Timmehah!
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Principal Victoria has called the teachers together in her office. Chef is there as well.
Principal Victoria: Teachers, I have some bad news. Last night I received a phone call from the local pharmacist. Apparently, almost all of our fourth graders are sexually active. And now that we've scared them a little they're buying condoms to use.
Ms. Choksondik: I knew it! Well, at least we scared them enough to protect themselves. But now maybe you'll believe me when I say that we need to be teaching even younger than fourth grade.
Principal Victoria: But how old do you think a student should be when they learn about proper condom use?
Ms. Choksondik: ...Kindergarten.
Chef: Kindergarten?!
Ms. Choksondik: We've got to get to the students before they start having... sex. Nu-not after.
Chef: Aw, now this is getting ridiculous!
Mr. Adler: I have to agree with Ms. Choksondik. It's our responsibility to make sure our kids are safe if they're gonna screw around.
Principal Victoria: I guess we have no choice.
Scene Description: Kindergarten, next day.
Mr. Garrison: Okay, children, who can tell me what a condom is? [puts a box of Gladiator condoms on the table. The kindergartners look at him, and finally a girl raises her hand] Yes, Jenny?
Jenny: It flies around and it's endangered.
Mr. Garrison: That's a con-dor, Jenny. Con-dor. [holds up the box] Con-doms are what we use to stop the spread of STDs. [Filmore raises his hand] Yes, Filmore?
Filmore: Can we do fingerpaint?
Mr. Garrison: NO, we can't do fingerpaint! You kids wanna get herpes?! Huh?! How about a nice bucket of AIDS?! Sound good?! Now pay attention, alright? I'm going to show you the proper way to put on a condom. [puts a phallus on the table] First of all you remove the condom from its package. [demonstrates] Then you find which way the condom rolls out. [demonstrates] Put it in your mouth... [puts it in his mouth] And apply. [proceeds to do so. The kids watch on astonished, and one of the boys finally cries. Mr. Garrison finishes and raises his head] And it's as simple as that. Any questions?
Scene Description: Ms. Choksondik's classroom, same time.
Ms. Choksondik: Alright girls. Yesterday we went over the myriad of diseases you can get from boys, but today we're going to talk about the most horrible they can give you of all. [writes on the board] PREGNANCY! [turns around] That's right, since you girls have decided to be sexually active, teen pregnancy is at an all-time high! You seem to think it's gonna be fun and neat to have a baby-well, let's watch a little video, shall we?! [goes towards the door and wheels back a TV cart with VCR, and turns on the TV.]
Narrator: ["The Miracle of Child Birth"] Snacky S'mores presents: The Miracle of Child Birth. [shot of the girls watching] The time is drawing close for delivery. Here we can see the water breaking.
Girls: Eeeeww. [as the narrator speaks, the girls get more and more shocked]
Narrator: Later, the contractions are happening closer together. Mom sure is in a lot of pain. Now we can see the crown of the baby's head, stretching the vaginal walls in ways never before thought possible by Mom. Finally, the miracle happens, and the baby is born. [Screen shot of baby being handled by the doctor is shown] but Mom's not done yet.
Girl: Eeww.
Narrator: She still got some afterbirth to push out of her. [shot of afterbirth being pushed out]
Girls: AAAAAAAA!!!! [they get out of their seats and rush out of the room]
Narrator: That's right.
Ms. Choksondik: [follows the girl to the door] Girls! Girls! Where are you going?! [gets no answer, but she sees Mr. Mackey in front of her, in the hallway ending at her door, about to enter another door. She looks down and notices his butt, and just stands there...]
Scene Description: Mr. Mackey's class, later. Some of the boys, including Stan and Kyle, have their hands over their crotches.
Stan: Man, this condom's driving me crazy.
Kyle: Yeah. I've changed mine three times already 'cause it itches so much.
Cartman: Yeah, but it makes going to the bathroom easier. [takes a condom just filled with urine and tosses it at the trashcan. It hits the side and splatters the urine next to the can.]
Mr. Mackey: [enters with briefcase and books] Alright, boys, I now have all the information I need to teach you the female anatomy, hm'kay. [tosses the briefcase and books onto his desk and moves towards the light switch, grinning. He turns off the lights and starts the projector] M'kay, this part here is the vaginal opening. [a picture of the female reproductive system. He points to the opening. Cartman works on a new condom] This is where the man puts his- Eric, what the hell are you doing?
Cartman: I'm putting on a new condom. I filled the other one up.
Mr. Mackey: Why are you wearing a condom?
Cartman: So I don't get AIDS.
Mr. Mackey: Eric, you can't get AIDS from just sitting around, you have to get it from sex.
Stan: From sex??
Mr. Mackey: Yes.
Kyle: You mean, intercourse with a girl?
Mr. Mackey: Yes! Now will you all pay attention, please?! The vagina and the clitoris are on the outside, and they are in fact very easily visible to the naked eye.
Stan: All this time... It's the girls that give us diseases!
Cartman: I knew it! Girls lie! They lie right to your face!
Mr. Mackey: Now here we can see the interior female anatomy. Things like the uterus and the ovaries are on the inside
Kyle: Well that does it! If us boys are going to live, we have to get rid of the girls!
Stan: Yeah, come on guys, this is war! [leaves his seat and heads for the door. The other boys follow]
Boys: [among their statements] Yeah! That's right! Come on! [The last of the boys leaves, and Mr. Mackey doesn't notice. He begins to daydream. The generic female drawing turns into one of Ms. Choksondik, and he grins. He goes to the screen again, and moves his hand over the image]
Mr. Mackey: And here we see the tender, magical uterus. Here we see the enticing, voluptuous Fallopian tubes, m'kay.
Scene Description: Mr. Garrison's room, later
Mr. Garrison: Okay, children, now I wanna review the different sexual positions. Who can tell me which sexual positions we talked about?
Filmore: [raises his hand] Miss'nary position?
Mr. Garrison: [turns around and writes the position] Missionary position, good. A little boring, but tried and true. What else?
Girl: Doggie?
Mr. Garrison: [turns around and writes the position] That's right. Doggie style we went over, mhm.
Boy: Pile driver?
Mr. Garrison: [turns around and writes the position] Uh huh, pile driver position. Good, Quaid.
Flora: The Filthy Sanchez?
Mr. Garrison: [turns around and writes the position] Yes, good Flora, you remembered the Filthy Sanchez.
Boy 2: Hot Karl?
Mr. Garrison: [turns around and writes the position] Yes,you can give your partner the ol' Hot Karl, sure.
Scene Description: A barren field near the school, day. An army of boys comes in from a distance in makeshift military vehicles. Butters is wearing a hockey mask. Clyde comes up and stops them.
Clyde: There, you see? The girls have built some kind of stronghold to keep us out. [the stronghold has a moat and reads: "Boys Keep Out"]
Wendy: [at the helm of a gun turret] Stay away from us, bastards! We don't wanna get pregnant!
Bebe: Yeah! Just take your diseases and go away forever!
Stan: Ha! They're your diseases!
Kyle: Yeah! You get out of town!
Cartman: Here, talk to them, Butters.
Butters: [lifts up his mask] Uh, me?? Huh, what the heck am I supposed to say?
Cartman: Just tell them that if they leave town peacefully, we won't have to resort to violence.
Butters: [lowers his mask and speaks into the mike. A deep raspy voice comes out] Just walk away. You can put a stop to all this. Just walk away and we will spare your lives. Just walk away.
Kyle: [to Stan] Man, he's pretty good.
Bebe: We'll never walk away. Never! [tosses a boomerang towards the boys. Clyde ducks as the boomerang comes towards him, and Kenny is struck dead]
Kenny: (Waa-ooo!) [falls back and expires]
Cartman: Oh, bitch!
Stan: That does it! Attack! [the boys rush the stronghold]
Scene Description: Ms. Choksondik's house, at that moment. They have books open
Mr. Mackey: M'kay, so apparently the lesson plan tomorrow is s'posed to involve the secretion of bodily fluids, m'kay.
Ms. Choksondik: I've already gone through that with the girls. [closes her book and sets it down] It's pretty simple. Do you wanna drink?
Mr. Mackey: Why, sure. [she goes to get drinks] Hey uh I think I can... get through that stuff pretty quick, mm... [he gets a good look at her derriere] Uh, maybe we should come up with another lesson plan.
Ms. Choksondik: [hands Mr. Mackey his drink] Something about how nerve endings play an important part in intercourse. [sits down]
Mr. Mackey: Uh, right, right, uh, like in the ...nipples.
Ms. Choksondik: Or the... shaft... of the penis? [they look away from each other]
Mr. Mackey: It... says here that the uh, head of the penis is actually the... most sensitive... part, m'kay.
Ms. Choksondik: Why, yes. The nerve endings are the most concentrated at- the- tip of the penis. Like they are in the... [looks at him. They draw close to each other] clitoris of the woman.
Mr. Mackey: And these... are the two areas most important to-
Ms. Choksondik: Sexual stimulation. [they kiss quick, then kiss full and long. Some love music comes up. She pulls back] Oh, is this wrong?
Mr. Mackey: I don't know. It doesn't feel wrong. [they kiss full again] I've been thinking about you a lot, Ms. Choksondik.
Ms. Choksondik: Yeah? What do you do when you think about me?
Mr. Mackey: I go crazy.
Ms. Choksondik: Do you touch yourself?
Mr. Mackey: Yeah. Hmm. [they embrace. She takes off his tie. He stands, walks some distance, and takes off his shirt. She stands, takes off her top, and tosses it away. She approaches him and removes his belt. He takes off his pants. She looks at him again and goes down to remove his briefs. She tosses them aside. He bends down to remove her underwear and tosses them aside. She coaxes him down, and he follows]
Ms. Choksondik: [writhing] Haawww. Haawww.
Mr. Mackey: G'oh, m'kay.
Ms. Choksondik: Oh my God. Oh God, yeah! Stop! Stop!
Mr. Mackey: Huh, what's wrong?
Ms. Choksondik: It's your turn. [goes down to work on him]
Mr. Mackey: Mm, oh, oh Ms. Choksondik. Okay! Okay!
Ms. Choksondik: [gets up] Do you want me?
Mr. Mackey: I do.
Ms. Choksondik: Tell me.
Mr. Mackey: I want you. M'kay. [they go down, then moments later quickly get up]
Ms. Choksondik: Wait wait wait! Do you have a condom?
Mr. Mackey: Well. No.
Ms. Choksondik: [looks into his eyes and then] Oh well, fuck it [they go down, and the consummation begins] Oh God, give it to me! [his ass rises for the first time]
Mr. Mackey: Oh yeah. Woh. [his ass appears again]
Ms. Choksondik: Woh. [his ass appears again] Ooh, that's it baby! That's it!
Mr. Mackey: [his ass appears again] Aw, this feels so good, m'kay. [his ass appears again]
Scene Description: The empty field. later. The battle is joined. Kids run around seeking positions from which to shoot. Seven boys come up to the stronghold gate. Millie fires a Gatling gun at them from the left side, and they scatter, dropping their weapons
Boys: WAAAAHHH!! [two boys prepare a Molotov cocktail, and one of them tosses it at the tires on the right side of the gate entrance. The tires go up in flames. The boys run away, and a huge flash explosion rises inside the stronghold]
Girls: Waaaahh!! [they bail out immediately, and a much larger explosion rises, tossing kids away left and right]
Scene Description: The Marsh house. Randy and Sharon are reading papers when the house moves about as if an earthquake had just rolled by. Sharon drops her paper
Sharon: What the hell was that?
Scene Description: Ms. Choksondik's house. Mr. Mackey and Ms. Choksondik rise from their activity and look out the window
Ms. Choksondik: Did you feel something?
Scene Description: Chef's house. The front door opens and he walks out. He's shocked at what he sees.
Chef: Oh, no!
Scene Description: South Park Elementary. The four remaining staff members, Principal Victoria, Mr. Garrison, Mr. Adler, and Ms. Chosie, walk out and see the wreckage. Principal Victoria puts her hand over her mouth in dumbfounded shock
Mr. Garrison: Jesus Christ. [a shot of the burning wreckage, then of Butters, Cartman, Stan, and Kyle looking at the wreckage]
Cartman: Ooo, Butters? You're in big trouble now.
Scene Description: The empty field. later. All the parents have come by to make sure their kids are okay. The wreckage still burns
Sharon: Well, I don't know what got into you kids. You should be ashamed of yourselves. [in the background paramedics pick up injured kids and put them in ambulances]
Stan: We just didn't want the girls giving us diseases.
Ms. Choksondik: I'm afraid this is all my fault. I... think I went a little overboard scaring the girls. I forgot to tell them that to get diseases from boys you... have to have sex with them first.
Kids: Oooohhh.
Chef: Well, I hate to say it, but you all got what you deserved.
Parents: Huh?
Chef: Look: Schools are teaching condom use to younger and younger students each day! But sex isn't something that should be taught in textbooks and diagrams. Sex is emotional and spiritual. It needs to be taught by family. I know it can be hard, parents, but if you leave it up to the schools to teach sex to kids, you don't know who they're learning it from. It could be from someone who doesn't know, [a shot of Mr. Mackey] someone who has a bad opinion of it, [a shot of Ms. Choksondik looking around] or even a complete pervert. [a shot of Mr. Garrison]
Mr. Garrison: Wha? Why did you pan to me just now? What the hell is that s'posed to mean?
Ms. Choksondik: He's right. I never knew how special and personal sex was un... until just recently.
Sharon: This whole mess started because we couldn't talk to our boy ourselves.
Sheila: It's easier to just leave it up to the school, but it's...just not a school subject.
Principal Victoria: Then it's decided: no more condom classes in grade school.
Kids: Hooray!
Stan: But Chef, when is the right age for us to start having sex?
Chef: It's very simple, children. The right time to start having sex is... 17.
Kyle: Seventeen? [Sheila and Gerald approach]
Chef: Seventeen.
Sheila: So you mean 17 as long as you're in love?
Chef: Nope, just 17.
Gerald: But, what if you're not ready at 17?
Chef: Seventeen! You're ready. [Stan walks up to Wendy]
Stan: Well, I guess we got a while to wait before we have to worry about sex and diseases, huh, Wendy?
Wendy: Yeah. Thank God.
Cartman: Well, I guess now that that's out of the way, we can get on with our lives. Come here, boy! [a dog enters the scene, and the camera begins to zoom out. Everyone is smiling and looking on as Cartman pleases the dog] That's it. Red rocket, red rocket. Come on, now. Come on, red rocket, dog. Red rocket now.
Scene Description: End of Proper Condom Use, but Mr. Garrison has a few more things to say
Mr. Garrison: Okay children, so what other sexual positions have we talked about? Yeah, the wrap-around butt grab. Sure, can't forget that. Uh huh, reverse cowgirl. Good, Kevin. Hot Lunch, sure, she likes that. Donkey Punch, uh huh. Glass-bottom boat. Good one, yes. Fish-eye. Good, Jenny. Chili dog. Mm-hm.


Scene Description: Stan's house, day. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny are in the living room playing video games.
Kyle: HA! I killed you!
Stan: HA, I blew your head off!
Kenny: (Aw, Goddamnit!)
Stan: Jesus, is Cartman still in the bathroom?
Kyle: Hey Cartman! We're almost to level 20! You giving birth in there, or what?
Cartman: Let a man take a crap!
Stan: Dude, he's in there punishing my toilet.
Kyle: Hyeah, that poor, poor thing
Stan: Come on, Cartman! You're missing the game!
Cartman: [from behind the bathroom door] I'm almost done, you smartasses! I'm just wipin' mah- whoa, what the hell is that? [finishes wiping his butt and zips himself up. He comes out of the bathroom with something in his hands] You guys, look what I found in the trashcan in Stan's bathroom. It's like a bloody cotton thing wrapped in toilet paper.
Kyle: Well, why did you pull it out of the trash?
Cartman: Because I thought it was a jelly doughnut, but look, check it out, it's all bloody.
Sharon: [walks in with a basket of laundry] Are you guys still playing that video game?
Stan: Yeah. Hey Mom, Cartman found a bloody cotton thing in the bathroom.
Cartman: [holds it up] Look. [Sharon gasps and drops the laundry. Cartman unravels it] But I don't think it's for usin', I think it's just for lookin' through. [looks through it]
Sharon: Eric, put that down!
Cartman: Why?
Sharon: Just go put it back in the trashcan!
Cartman: [inspects it] Hey, it's like all bloody. It might be alive.
Sharon: No that... that came from me; just put it away.
Cartman: This came out of you?? You just left it in the trashcan?! [hick accent] You shouldn'ta done that. He's just a boih. Poor little feller.
Stan: [looks up at his mom] What is it, Mom?
Kyle: Yeah, what it is, Mrs. Marsh?
Sharon: Boys, that a... feminine thing. Alright, it's a personal, woman thing. [game play stops and the boys look at her] I tell you what: If you'll just drop the whole thing right now, I'll buy you that new video game console you've been wanting.
Stan: The 2001 Okama GameSphere?
Sharon: Sure.
Kyle: Cool!
Cartman: Wow, this is like finding trashcan gold, you guiys!
Scene Description: Luau's Toys, day, later. A banner reading "WE HAVE GAMESPHERE" hangs over the window, and the console itself is in the window display.
Stan: There it is. The Okama GameSphere. [the game console is shown, along with two controllers and several boxes containing the console]
Kyle: Dude, it's got a hundred twenty eight gigahertz D-RAM.
Stan: What's that?
Kyle: Don't know, but it kicks ass. [they watch as Sharon buys the console from Mr. Harris and he wraps it up and delivers it to her] Wow, dude, you're the luckiest kid in South Park.
Cartman: Hey, this is all of ours. I'm the one who found Stan's aborted brother in the trashcan and blackmailed his mom into getting the GameSphere. [the boys turn away from the window]
Stan: Alright, alright, but you guys gotta see if you can sleep over for the rest of the weekend. [checks his watch.] It's Saturday at 2:30 - that means we have... 39 hours to play GameSphere until school on Monday!
Kenny: (Woohoo!)
Kyle: Awesome! [suddenly remembers] Oh, crap.
Stan: What?
Kyle: I'm supposed to go to the lake with my family tomorrow and swim and play in the stupid sun.
Stan: Dude, we got GameSphere.
Kyle: I know, I know. Well, look: I'll stay over anyway so I can play for... eighteen hours, and then I'll go to the lake. [a strange character walks up next to them]
Towelie: Don't forget to bring a towel. [it's a walking, talking towel]
Stan: What?
Towelie: When you get out of the water you need to dry off right away to avoid catchin' a cold. That's why Towelie says, "Don't forget to bring a towel."
Stan: ...O-kay.
Kyle: Thanks, Towelie.
Towelie: [after a few moments of silence] Do you wanna get high?
Stan: No. [Towelie looks for a few moments, then walks away]
Kyle: Anyway, that will give me plenty of time playing video games.
Cartman: Kyle, I think you underestimate Okama GameSphere.
Sharon: Here you go, boys. [Stan takes the shopping box and the boys take off]
Boys: AAAAAA.
Scene Description: Stan's house, later. In the living room, Kyle finishes connecting the GameSphere to the back of the TV
Kyle: Okay, turn it on.
TV: "Okama GameSphere"!
Boys: Whoa!
TV: [the game title comes up] Thirst For BLOOD!
Cartman: Oh yeah, Thirst for Blood. Bring it.
Kyle: Oh, this is so cool.
Cartman: Bring it, bring it! [on the TV two monsters fight each other. The one on the right attacks the other with a chainsaw. "Oh!"]
Scene Description: Stan's house, night. The boys have been playing for hours. Around them are empty boxes of Cheesy Poofs and cans of Zoop soda. On the sofa is a bag of chips. Stan's parents walk up to the boys.
Sharon: Goodnight, boys. Don't stay up too late.
Stan: G'night Mom, thanks for GameSphere.
Cartman: [slowly slides into a hick accent] Yeah, but you still shouldn'ta done that. 'E's just a boih.
Randy: What?
Sharon: Nothing. Come on, Randy. [whisks him off to bed. From the TV: "Twenty kills."]
Scene Description: Stan's house, Sunday morning, dawn. The boys have stayed up all night playing video games. Kyle is on the phone with his parents.
Kyle: Yeahyeah, Mom. I-I can't go to the lake. No, S-stan's having emotional problems and I need to help see him through it. He's got- [to Cartman] wha-what is it?
Cartman: Date-rape psychosis.
Kyle: Date-rape something. Yeah. Okay. I will. Okay, thanks, Mon. [hangs up] I don't have to go outside!
Cartman: Awesome!
Kyle: She said it's fine, but that I still have to go to baseball practice tonight..
Stan: Oh, yeah, we got baseball practice today. God damnit!
Cartman: We shouldn't have this many responsibilities! We're children!
Stan: Well, it's alright. We can still play for [looks at his watch] six more hours, and then we'll go play baseball.
Towelie: [walks in from nowhere] Don't forget to bring a towel.
Kyle: Uh no.
Towelie: When you're playin' sports, the sweat can get in your face. That's why Towelie says, "Always keep an extra towel in your duffel bag."
Stan: Okay, we will.
Towelie: [raises its arms in victory] Alright! [lowers them, then after some moments] Do you wanna get high?
Kyle: No we don't wanna get high!
Towelie: Okay... You sure?
Cartman: Yes! Go away, you stupid towel! [Towelie goes away]
Stan: Oh, dude! Did you see that? I cut off your face and ate it!
Cartman: That's... so... cool!
Scene Description: Stan's house, later... The boys have repositioned themselves and look half-asleep from all the game play. Doughnuts and ice cream appear - a cone is on the rug with its ice cream melting. Sharon walks up to them again.
Sharon: Okay, boys, that's it. You have to go now.
Stan: No no, it's okay, Mom. We c-we can't go to baseball practice 'cause Kyle has cancer.
Sharon: No, Stanley, it's Monday morning. You have to go to school.
Cartman: It's Monday?
Stan: Oh, uh, I'm sick.
Kyle: Me too.
Sharon: No, you're not sick. Now get to school. [disconnects the console from the TV] All of you.
Stan: But Mom...
Sharon: Go!
Boys: Aagh!
Scene Description: Bus stop, moments later. The boys are now waiting for the bus.
Stan: Can't believe we have to go to school!
Kyle: Yeah, real life is so boring and stupid.
Stan: We just have to try and make the day go as fast as possible so we can get back to GameSphere. [a green car pulls up in front of them. Two soldiers are in it]
Commander: Hello, boys, how are you?
Stan: Fine.
Commander: Say, boys, this may sound a little ...odd, but... have you see a ...talking ...towel around anywhere.
Kyle: What? You mean Towelie? [the two soldier look alarmed. The passenger quickly gets on the radio]
Commander: Echo, this is Garrett. I've got a code 5 at... [checks his map] Park County, Colorado! Repeat! Code 5, Park County, Colorado! [the men look at the boys]
Cartman: What, dude? [the driver steps on the gas and the car peels away. The passenger soldier looks out the window and back at the boys.]
Stan: This is gonna be one looong-ass day. [Ms. Crabtree pulls up and the boys get on the bus.]
Scene Description: Stan's house, Monday afternoon. The boys arrive there from the bus stop
Stan: That was the longest day of school ever!
Kyle: Come on, hurry. I bet we can get to level 29! [the boys burst in and head for the television]
Scene Description: Stan's house, living room. The boys stand in from of the television
Kyle: Where is it?
Stan: It... it was right here.
Kyle: Where the hell is it??
Cartman: Come on, man, this isn't funny! [Kenny, Kyle, and Cartman look around and behind the TV] I need my fix! [the phone rings, and Stan goes to answer it.]
Stan: Hello?
Voice: If you ever wanna see your Okama GameSphere again, you will bring us the towel. [the boys gather to wait for Stan]
Stan: What? Who-who is this?
Voice: Just get the towel and meet us at the gas station outside of town. Or else! [in the background: "Okama GameSphere!"]
Stan: Don't hurt it! [Click. Stan then hangs up]
Kyle: What? [Stan turns around]
Stan: They've taken it. They've taken our Okama GameSphere.
Cartman: [in disbelief, backs up.] No! ...No!
Kyle: Uh-uh-uh what do you mean "they've taken it"? Oh, this isn't happening! This isn't happening!!
Scene Description: South Park, sunset. The boys walk down Main Street.
Stan: Towelie!
Cartman: Hey, towel!
Kyle: Where the hell is he?
Kenny: (I don't know. Where could it be?)
Stan: I don't know. They guy on the phone thought we had Towelie, so now we gotta find him.
Kyle: What has this world come to? Where people can just... take your Okama GameSphere.
Cartman: Hey maybe we'd better do a towel call. [the others stop, and he calls out in one direction] Gebaayybeh! [then in another] Gebaayybeh!
Kyle: That's a towel call?
Stan: This is hopeless. We're never gonna find him.
Kyle: Hey, wait a minute. Towelie always showed up to give us towel advice when we'd said something about water.
Stan: Hey yeah. [goes into the street and clears his throat] Well guys, let's go to the swimming pool! [looks around. So do the others] Aaah. Let's go take a shower! [all look around] Let's go waterskiing!
Towelie: [walks up] Don't forget to bring a towel.
Kyle: There he is!
Towelie: Be sure to bring a towel so you don't get aaall wet. [Stan walks over angrily and takes Towelie's left hand, and pulls him along].
Stan: Come on, dude! [the others follow]
Towelie: Where are we goin'?
Kyle: Just come on! It's getting dark.
Towelie: Are we gonna get high?
Scene Description: Outskirts of South Park, night. A full moon shines down on the boys as they reach the gas station
Kyle: Are you sure this is where they said to be?
Stan: They said the gas station outside of town.
Towelie: Well, I'm gonna get a little high. [A high-powered light comes on]
Man: Hold it! [ten men stand in the light. Some of them wear red berets]
Stan: Who is that? [squints his eyes and blocks the light. Towelie does the same]
Man: Step... away... from the towel! [the boys do so, and an official steps forth]
Official: There you are, towel. We've been looking all over for you.
Towelie: If you ever go to a hotel, be sure to bring your own towel.
Official: It isn't safe for you out here, towel. There are people out here to mean to harm you.
Stan: 'Scuse me, can we have our Okama GameSphere back? We just wanna play video games.
Official: Your what?
Kyle: Agh! Look, dude, we're on level 24, about to cross into the Caverns of Madness!
Official: I don't know what you're talking about.
Stan: You called us and said if we brought the towel you'd give us our video game back.
Official: Omigod! [shrieks] IT"S A TRAP!! [gunfire strikes him and kills him. Behind the boys soldiers pop up in the hills and continue firing]
Man 2: Cover! Cover! [the officials and their personal security force fire back, and the light is knocked out]
Stan: Goddamnit, what now?!
Official: Run, towel! [a grenade lands between two guards and blows up, shredding them to bits. The boys just look on]
Stan: [disinterested] Agh. Come on, they've gotta have our video game around here somewhere. [leads the others away]
Soldier 1: Where's the towel?!
Soldier 2: It can't be far! [two more soldiers come up, and others move along behind them] Alvarez, you and Mitchell sweep left!
Guard: [coughs up blood. The boys arrive] Hurry! You must get the towel back to Tynacorp!
Stan: [grabs the guard by the lapels and throttles him] Where is our Okama GameSphere?
Guard: Get the towel home [cough] They will explain everything. Please, hurry! [coughs up blood once more, and dies]
Kyle: Aw, God-damnit!
Stan: Do you know where he's talking about, Towelie?
Towelie: What? Oh yeah, back at the base. It's a long ways away.
Stan: Alright, we're gonna have to use this truck. Come on, guys. [they go for the truck. From a distance in a woods nearby, a commander looks at the troop movements]
Commander: Well?
Soldier: They've gone, sir. It's like they've vanished out of thin air.
Commander: Damnit! I knew those boys were protecting that towel. [gets pensive] They must have some unexplainable bond with it.
Soldier 2: Perhaps they're telepathically linked to the towel, sir, like E.T. [the commander looks at him annoyed, and he leaves]
Commander: It could already be anywhere, hiding out again. No, the time for being nice is over. We must instigate... Plan B.
Soldier 3: You mean...?
Commander: Yes. [camera zooms in] Destroy all towels within a thousand mile radius. [fade to black]
Scene Description: A desert, later that night. The truck rolls along... Stan steers, Kyle, Towelie, and Cartman ride along. Kenny mans the pedals
Kyle: Are we getting close?
Towelie: I think so.
Stan: A little more gas, Kenny. [Kenny presses down on the gas pedal]
Kyle: How long has it been since you've been back there.
Towelie: I've been wanderin' around on my own for the past few weeks. You know, helpin' people out with towel safety and proper towel use. It's important.
Cartman: No it isn't.
Towelie: Is!
Cartman: No it isn't.
Towelie: Is! Wait, turn down here. It's down this dirt road.
Stan: Brake, Kenny, brake. [Kenny brakes, and Stan steers the truck to the right to go down the dirt road. Towelie moves to the window]
Cartman: Egh!
Towelie: M-maybe it's down that dirt road.
Stan: [sighs] Dude, don't you remember where it is?
Towelie: I can't remember, it all looks the same. Hold on, let me get high. [pulls out a joint...] then I'll remember where it is. [lights the joint and puffs deeply. The boys watch him as his eyes get bloodshot.]
Stan: Alright, so where is it?
Towelie: Where's what?
Boys: Agh!
Kyle: The base where you're from and where our Okama GameSphere is! [Towelie simply snorts]
Stan: Alright, that does it! Brake angrily, Kenny! [Kenny brakes angrily and the truck jerks to a stop] Now listen, Towelie, we've just about had it with you!
Towelie: Well calm down.
Kyle: That's it! [takes the joint] You're not getting high again until we have our Okama GameSphere back!
Towelie: That's my last joint, asshole!
Kyle: I don't care! You'd better remember where your base is!
Towelie: Oh man, why is everyone riding me today? God-damnit.
Scene Description: A purple house, night. Inside, in the restroom, a woman washes her hands and face, then pulls a towel out of its rack to dry herself
Woman: Kevin? Don't forget to wrap the potato salad in aluminum foil. [some strange sounds are heard outside the door] Kevin, is that you?
Soldier: Harris! Reach bang and clear!
Woman: Hello? [the bathroom door flies open and five soldiers pour in, firing away] WAAH! [she falls to the ground quick] Ohmigod! Oh no! Ohmigod! [she covers her head]
Soldier: Alright, it's clear! It's clear! [the soldiers leave the restroom. The woman gets up and checks herself for bullet wounds and finds none. She turns to see the wall behind her. The towels on their rack are shot through with holes. She blinks, confused]
Scene Description: a backyard. Mrs. Tweak pulls down some clothes she's had drying on clotheslines. As she nears the towels, three soldiers rush in and start firing away at them
Soldiers: HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!! [Mrs. Tweak leans out of the way, watching her towels get shot up.]
Soldier: Let's go let's go! [The soldiers finish their job and walk away. Mrs. Tweak straightens up]
Scene Description: A men's gym shower, night. Mr. Garrison is in the shower with two other men. He finishes and wraps a white towel with blue stripes around his waist, then walks towards his locker
Soldier: Get it!
Mr. Garrison: What the? [two soldiers rush over and make him face the lockers. One of them pulls off his towel]
Soldier: Throw it down! [the soldier throws it down]
Mr. Garrison: Oh alright, have your way with me if you must! Go on, fulfill you sick pleasures! [the soldier stabs at the towel twice, then directs another soldier to fire away at it. The other soldier shoots at it while the other two watch]
Soldier: Alright, let's go! [the soldiers leave]
Mr. Garrison: Huh where are you goin'?
Scene Description: The truck the boys are driving pulls up in front of a gleaming glass building with "TYNACORP" above the entrance, and the boys pour out with Towelie
Cartman: This is where you came from?
Towelie: Yeah, I think so. [gets woozy] Oh man.
Stan: What?
Towelie: I'm so high right now. I have no idea what's goin' on. [the group goes around the fountain and goes inside]
Scene Description: Tynacorp, inside. The boys walk down a long passageway
Research Leader: Welcome home, Smart Towel RG-400.
Stan: Ah hi, is this where our Okama GameSphere is?
Kyle: We're missing out on some quality video game time right now.
Research Leader: Thank you for bringing him to us, boys. You see, this is not an ordinary towel. He is the RG-400 Smart Towel, designed with a computer chip inside the terry cloth
Stan: We don't care.
Research Leader: You see, here at Tynacorp, our goal was to make the perfect towel. A towel that would sense how wet or dry the user's skin was and fluff itself accordingly.
Stan: Dude, we don't care.
Research Leader: Towelie was our greatest success. Smart enough to beat the average human at chess and absorbent enough to soak up even the toughest spills. But then one day, Towelie got high and just sort of wandered off.
Stan: We... don't... care.
Kyle: All we wanna know is, who has our Okama GameSphere?
Research Leader: Ah yes, your video game. I'm afraid that what we all experienced was a trap. They called you and said to bring the towel, and then they called us and said they were bringing Towelie back. Their plan was to wipe us all out with one fell swoop.
Kyle: Who's they?
Research Leader: Why, the military. You see, after Towelie got high and wandered off from here, the military got a hold of him. They wanted to turn Towelie into a weapon of mass destruction.
Stan: [dismissive] Don't care, don't care, don't care.
Research Leader: Towelie was at their base for months as they tried to copy his TNA. But then, one day, Towelie got high and just sort of wandered off. Again.
Cartman: Goddamnit! Can we please... just get back to playing our video game, PLEASE?!
Research Leader: I'm afraid not. Because your Okama GameSphere is at "their" base.
Stan: Can you tell us where "that" is, please?
Research Leader: You mean to go right into their base? [thinks] Of course. The entry code should still be in Towelie's memory banks. You could sneak him in there and recover his TNA. Great plan.
Scene Description: Secret Government Base, night. Inside, various military officials man a command center. Two soldiers walk up to the commander and salute him
Soldier: Sir! Sergeant Masters and Boll are reporting, sir!
Commander: Ah yes. [salutes back, and all three men lower their arms] Tell me, Marine, did you accomplish your primary goal?
Sgt. Masters: Sir yes sir! All towels have been destroyed! The Smart Towel is no doubt eliminated.
Commander: Ahh. And you're... quite sure of this. [the two sergeants look at each other]
Sgt. Boll: Eh yes sir, there isn't a towel left within a hundred miles.
Commander: Hmm... [taps his pointer on the strategic map] So perhaps, then, you can explain to me why we just got footage of the towel returning to Tynacorp?!
Sgt. Masters: Oo we...
Sgt. Boll: He must have outsmarted us, sir.
Commander: Well I'm through playing hide and seek! We've got no other choice! Prepare to blow up all of Colorado!
Scene Description: The night sky. Clouds float by overhead, past the full moon. A helicopter flies into the sky and the camera follows it. Two officials prepare the boys for dives into the military base as the research leader talks
Research Leader: In a moment we will be over the base. This is the only way in. Any attempts on the ground would be easily spotted by guard posts.
Kyle: Okay.
Research Leader: [rolls up to Towelie] I hate to send you back in there, Towelie, but only you have their security system in your memory banks.
Towelie: That's alright. It's always good to bring a towel.
Research Leader: Good luck, boys. The fate of the world is depending on you.
Stan: We're not doing it for the world, we're doing it for our video game. God, are you deaf?
Guard: Alright, boys. When you drop from the plane, cover and roll. Got it?
Stan: Yeah. [the boys join Towelie and all go to jump from the helicopter]
Guard: Go go go go! [one after the other, the four boys and Towelie jump off, and then the helicopter leaves. Stan is the first to pull his parachute string, and the others follow. Soon they're all next to each other, floating down. Stan sighs]
Kyle: Dude, I figured it out.
Stan: What?
Kyle: If we can go in, and get the GameSphere in 30 minutes, we could still be back at your house playing video games by midnight!
Stan: So that'd be, like what, eight hours we could play before school?
Kyle: Seven and a half.
Stan: [getting impatient] Hurry up, stupid parachute!
Scene Description: Secret Government Base, night. The boys land silently and start walking
Cartman: Alright, I think we go over there. [the Secret Government Base entrance is shown with Towelie and the boys approaching the gate]
Towelie: [at the security entry pad] Let's see. [types in some numbers] No. [touches his lips with his right index finger, trying to figure out what to type next]
Stan: Come on, Towelie! The guy said you have the security system in your memory banks.
Towelie: Hey it's been a long time!
Cartman: You just have no long-term memory 'cause you get high all the time!
Towelie: [faces Cartman] Don't preach to me, fatso!
Cartman: I can preach to you all I want, 'cause you're stupid!
Towelie: You're stupid!
Cartman: Yeah, and you're a towel!
Towelie: You're a towel! [Cartman has nothing more to say, and Towelie hops off the box towards the boys] Just let me get high. I know I can remember if I get high.
Stan: Oh, God damnit! Alright, fine! [gives Towelie the joint] Here's your stupid lighter. [tosses Towelie the lighter, and Towelie lights up. The bloodshot eyes return.]
Towelie: Hold on. [hops on the box and types into the entry pad again.] Wait a second [presses a few buttons] That's it!
Kyle: That's it?
Towelie: Yeah. That's the melody to "Funky Town." [starts playing the melody on the keypad] Won't ya take me down... to Funky Town.
Stan: No, Towelie, the entry code!
Towelie: [turns around] For what?
Stan: God-damnit, I guess we're gonna have to climb the stupid fence.
Scene Description: Secret Government Base, night, inside. The boys climb over the fence and sneak past a soldier without arousing suspicion. They end up at the genetic research building
Kyle: Well let's look in here. [opens the door and leads the others in. Before them are cylinders of liquids, each with a floating deformed clone of Towelie in it. They come across a Towelie clone drying under a heat lamp]
Towelie Clone: Kill... me... Kill... me.
Towelie: Oh my God! No-o-o-o!
Commander: [enters with four soldiers, who quickly get set to fire] Well well well. Look what the cat dragged in.
Towelie: [turns around with the boys] What are these things?
Commander: Genetic copies we tried to make with your TNA. They didn't work too well, I'm afraid.
Towelie Clone: Kill... me.
Stan: Do you have our Okama GameSphere?
Commander: You did very well to get the towel this far, boys. I wonder: What did they tell you at Tynacorp? That the big, bad government wanted to genetically engineer a Towelie as a weapon? Now let me tell you the real story.
Stan: Oh God, don't care, don't care.
Commander: [pacing proudly, solemnly] Yes, we've been trying to make our own genetic copies of the towel, but only because we had to. You see, when we started spying on Tynacorp, we discovered a certain, terrifying secret. [the boys show no interest.]
Soldier: Go on! Ask him what terrifying secret.
Kyle: What terrifying secret?
Commander: That Tynacorp was making these towels to take over the world!
Cartman: We're never gonna play our Okama GameSphere again, are we?
Commander: Don't you see what genetically enhanced smart towels like these are capable of? You get out of the shower and dry yourself off. But even after you're dry, the towel makes you more dry. It keeps getting you drier and drier. [his voice begins to deepen] Can you imagine it? What it would feel like to be way, way too dry? I'll tell you something: You don't want to know. And I don't know.
Kyle: And we don't care.
Commander: You've been double-crossed by Tynacorp, kids. They set this all up to get you in here and take us down.
Stan: So let me get this straight: Our Okama GameSphere is back at Tynacorp.
Commander: Oh yes. It has been all along.
Soldier: Can I kill the towel now, sir?
Kyle: Go ahead. [the boys move away quickly]
Commander: No, wait. [stays the weapon] Perhaps now, we can use their own towel against them. These boys must return to Tynacorp, and we will launch a sneak attack on Tynacorp as well. [zoom in on a tiny camera close to Towelie's lower border. Officials back at Tynacorp's command center are looking at the live feed] You boys can take the towel to Tynacorp's central core, and upload this encryption disk into their system, bringing them down once and for all.
Stan: But we don't care!
Scene Description: Tynacorp command center. The officials gather around the research leader
Official 1: What the hell is this?! The towel was supposed to go in there and then run its own self-destruct sequence!
Research Leader: The towel has a will of its own. It's... learning compassion.
Official 2: We don't have the manpower to hold off the entire military AND stop those wonderboys from getting to the core!
Research Leader: Then we have no choice. We'll have to test the new prototype a little... earlier. [presses a button. A door with "GS-401" on it slowly spins around. A towel rack appears and a mean-looking buff towel hangs from it]
GS-401: [deep voice] Don't forget to bring a towel!
Scene Description: Tynacorp, outside. Shadows appear in the brush across the way. The commander is there with his troops, the boys, and Towelie
Commander: Alright, boys, take the towel back in there and say your mission was accomplished. [hands a disk to Stan] Then upload this encryption disk into their computers.
Stan: We're just going in to get our video game back.
Commander: If anything goes wrong, use this newly-developed photon rifle. [hands it to Kyle]
Kyle: Photon rifle, whatever. [the boys enter Tynacorp with Towelie.]
Scene Description: Tynacorp command center. The boys walk through the center slowly
Stan: Hello? Hello, anybody here? [GS-401 hops down from the rafters]
GS-401: Welcome to the party, boys! [flexes and rushes Towelie] HAAARRRHHHH!! [the two towels wrestle a bit]
Towelie: Oooh. Ooohh! Oh boy.
GS-401: HAAARRRHHHH!! [Kyle fires the photon rifle and knocks the beefier towel away with the beam. The research team and security force pour into the room angrily]
Research Leader: So, you thought you could outsmart us, did you kids?
Commander: [he and his troops pour in another door] Aaaaarrrr. Move move move move move move! [the two forces face each other, with the boys and Towelie in the middle] Don't make a move, you bastards!
Research Leader: Bring the towel here, boys. They can't shoot children.
Commander: Don't listen to them. They lied to you before.
Research Leader: Oh yes, boys. Obey your government! Well perhaps it's time these boys knew what was really gong on!
Stan: Ohmigod, look! [in front of a monitor connected to a long table is the Okama GameSphere the boys had been wanting to get back. The boys rush to it]
Kyle: Our GameSphere! [the boys each get a controller and activate the GameSphere: "Okama GameSphere"]
Stan: Aw, sweet, it still saved our plays. [behind him, Towelie exits screen left as the two forces face each other. The boys quickly get lost in the game play]
Research Leader: [turns to look at the boys] You see boys, I'm afraid you were double-crossed. If they were the military, why wouldn't they just attack us to begin with? Because they're not the military!
Commander: Alright, maybe we lied to you, but it was to protect your own skin! We are a resistance group pretending to be the military to bring Tynacorp down!
Cartman: Whoa, check it out, guys, the parachute level.
Kyle: Sweet!
Commander: [now facing the research leader] But perhaps we should show these kids who Tynacorp really is made up of. Go on! Tell them why you've been making towels! Zytar! [pulls at the research leader's head and the face comes off. Under it a green fish-alien head appears]
Stan: Oh, there's gold. Get the gold, Kenny!
Zytar: Our planet was dying! We had no choice but to find a new one! Manufacturing Smart Towels was our way to spy on humans to see how they lived.
Commander: [looks at the boys] And now you know the horrible truth, boys.
Zytar: Truth or no, your alien-murdering group is over! [fires a gun at the commander. Both sides begin to fire at each other and there are casualties on both sides. Zytar and two guards slowly back away and out of view]
Cartman: Could you turn it up?
Commander: Boys, try to reach the core override! We've got no choice but to try to take them all out! [the boys continue playing their game, so the commander comes up and reaches for the encryption disk in Stan's pocket, then goes away. Towelie sits on the floor with a huge bong, getting high. The commander reappears across the room moving towards a red button] I think I can get it from here, boys!
Zytar: [returns] What are you doing? You'll kill us all!
Commander: Sorry, Zytar. Didn't your mom ever tell you? Don't mess with earthlings. [inserts the disk and a huge explosion blows the boys out of the room.]
Boys: Oooww! [Then it blows out the roof and some sides of the main building, and the boys find themselves hanging from Towelie, above a boiling tank of acid]
Cartman: Hup hup. Come on, hang on. [Stan and Kyle moan]
Stan, Kyle: Whoa.
Kenny: (Help help! Heeelllppp!) [loses his grip on Kyle]
Cartman: Kenny!
Kenny: (Nooo!) [falls into the acid tank, disintegrating and sinking. Kyle looks on, but next to him is the GameSphere]
Kyle: [sees it] Oh my God! Our GameSphere! You've gotta move me closer! [above him, Stan watches large pieces of metal fall to the ground]
Stan: Hurry up, Kyle! This place is coming apart! [Kyle swings ever closer to the GameSphere]
GS-401: [walks in on an adjacent catwalk and sees Towelie with the boys hanging] What are you doing?
Towelie: Get away from me, you evil towel!
GS-401: Towelie, listen to me. Let them go. Drop them.
Towelie: No way! They're my friends!
GS-401: They aren't your friends! Humans have ruined the planet, killed off their own environment! Their time is over. It is the towels' turn now.
Kyle: [swings closer] I've almost got it!
GS-401: You're going to let them go, Towelie! Because... I know your weakness. [holds out a joint. Towelie looks at it longingly] Here. You can reach it. Come on, Towelie! How long has it been since you've had a nice burn, huh?! Twenty, thirty seconds?!
Stan: [feels Towelie slip] Aw, crap!
GS-401: You're going to have to choose between their lives, and, getting high.
Towelie: You asshole.
Cartman: Towelie, don't let go of us, you God-damned towel! Kyle's almost there!
GS-401: Come, Towelie! Make your decision!
Towelie: I-I-I choose... I-I-I choose... both! [Stan is shocked at the answer. Towelie stretches enough to take a puff while holding on to the boys, then slips enough for Kyle to succeed]
Kyle: I got it! [grabs the GameSphere. Towelie pulls himself and the boys up to the catwalk in front of a door. An explosion behind GS-401 sends it into the air]
GS-401: Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! [floats down into the acid and disintegrates]
Stan: Come on, guys. Let's go play video games!
Kyle, Towelie: Alright!
Cartman: Hooray!
Scene Description: Stan's house, night. The boys are gathered before the TV playing their Okama GameSphere with a new player: Towelie.
Stan: Oh, dude, we finished level 50!
Kyle: Awesome!
Towelie: Oh, man, I have no idea what's goin' on.
Kyle: Check it out: Now we're going into the secret underground base.
Stan: Alright, guys, focus. Looks like this is gonna be an underwater level.
Towelie: [heavily slurred] Don't forget to bring a towel. [the boys laugh]
Cartman: You're the worst character ever, Towelie.
Towelie: I know.