Scene Description: South Park Elementary. The class bell rings and the children are rowdy.
Mr. Garrison: [entering] Settle down, children. I have some difficult news. This is going to make you all very sad. [the class is now seated] The school board is considering firing me as your teacher. There's a possibility that I will be let go and never allowed to teach you again. [Stan raises his hand] Yes, Stanley?
Stan: That's okay with us.
Kyle: Yeah.
Clyde: Yeah, we don't care.
Cartman: Yeah, that's fine.
Mr. Garrison: No it isn't, it makes you very sad! Now, apparently, the school board thinks that I don't teach you anything about current events, so tomorrow they're going to have you do presentations for the whole board.
Class: Aawwww! [heads drop]
Mr. Garrison: [writes on the board] "Current Events in South Park". Now, I want you all to read a newspaper, or better yet, watch television, and come up with something current in South Park to do a report on.
Class: Aawwww! [heads drop. Cartman is certainly vocal about it.]
Mr. Garrison: Now, this'll be a group project, so I'm going to place you all into groups of five. Let's see, uh. Wendy, Bebe, Clyde, Pip, and Token, you'll be Group 1, and Group 2 will be Stan, Kyle, Eric, Kenny, a-and, and Tweek.
Tweek Tweak: [disheveled and really tweaked] AAAghah heheh.
Stan: [laments] Oh, not Tweek.
Kyle: We don't wanna be in a group with Tweek.
Mr. Garrison: There's nothing wrong with Tweek. I bet he'll do a great job in your group.
Tweek Tweak: I can't take that kind of pressure. No, Sweet Jesus, ple-hehease!
Stan: Dude, we can't work with this kid.
Tweek: Yuh-ugh!
Mr. Garrison: That's what Chad Everett thought when the new female intern joined the cast of Medical Center. He thought, "Who is this woman with her gazungas and high heels? What does she know about medicine?" Well, that intern soon saved Chad Everett's brother with a kidney transplant. So, you see? [silence]
Stan: No.
Mr. Garrison: Well, let me put it another way. You have to give your oral report to the entire South Park Town Committee tomorrow. And if it doesn't kick ass, and you make me look bad, Mr. Hat is gonna smack you bitches up!
Tweek: Wagh!
Scene Description: South Park, downtown. Off to the right of Tom's Rhinoplasty is a coffee store: Tweek Bros. A businessman walks in with briefcase.
Richard Tweak: Hello there, customer.
Customer: Hello. How are you today?
Richard: Great. What can I get for you? Large coffee, small coffee? [motions to the menu]
Customer: I'm actually interested in something else. I'm John Postum from the Harbucks Coffee Corporation...
Richard: Oh, you're that corporate guy who's been calling.
Postum: That's right. How come you don't call me back? All we wanna do is buy out your coffee shop here.
Richard: Oh, forget it, my store is not for sale.
Postum: My company's prepared to make you a veerry generous offer. [lifts the briefcase and opens it. It's empty, but he elaborates] This is a Cramsonite briefcase. All leather, it has four compartments and a keyless lock. Interested?
Richard: Uh, I don't think so. My coffee shop is worth a lot to me.
Postum: Well, all right. [closes the briefcase and lifts up two money bag] How about $500,000?
Richard: The answer is still no, Mr. Postum. You see, when my father opened this store 30 years ago, he cared about only one thing: making a great cup of coffee. [moves to his left, towards a backdrop containing lovely rolling hills and a rainbow. A soothing acoustic tune comes up] Sure, we may take a little longer to brew a cup, and we may not call it fancy names, but I guess we just care a little more. [a cart of beans rolls up to him] And that's why Tweek Coffee is still home-brewed from the finest beans we can muster. Yes, Tweek Coffee is a simpler cup, for a simpler America.
Postum: Well, that's too bad. We're just gonna have to open our Harbucks right next door to you.
Richard: [protesting] But that could put me out of business.
Postum: Hey, this is a capitalist country, pal! Get used to it!
Scene Description: Postum leaves. Officer Barbrady enters.
Barbrady: [sees Postum leaving] Hello, Mr. Tweek.
Richard: Hi, Officer Barbrady.
Barbrady: Who was that?
Richard: Oh, just some dong. What can I get for you.
Officer Barbrady: The usual.
Scene Description: Richard pulls out a brown cat from behind the counter and slaps him with it.
Scene Description: Barbrady leaves as he closes the door.
Richard: Bye-bye.
Scene Description: South Park Elementary. The class is now in groups of five. Tweek is still wired.
Stan: Okay, we have to do this stupid report, so-
Tweek: [twitching and closing his right eye] AAAaaagh. Ugh, ugh, huh, aarrrnnn. Aaarrrhaharn.
Stan: Sooo, let's figure out what to do it about.
Scene Description: Shots of Kyle, Kenny, then Cartman.
Cartman: How about we do it on that Raymond guy on TV, you know, Everybody Loves Raymond.
Kyle: [angry] No, Cartman, we can't do it on Raymond again! It has to be on a current event in South Park. Tweek, do you have any ideas?
Scene Description: Stan gets alarmed.
Tweek: Uuurrnnn, too much pressure!
Stan: Great. A lot of help you are, kid.
Tweek: The gnomes!
Stan: What?
Tweek: [gritting his teeth] We can do our report on the gnomes.
Stan: What gnomes?
Tweek: The underpants gnomes. The little guys that, that come into your room late, late at night and steal your underpants.
Scene Description: Shots of Kyle, Stan, then Cartman looking at Tweek.
Cartman: Oh, so that's where all my underpants go.
Kyle: Dude, that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.
Stan: Yeah, I've never seen any underpants gnomes.
Tweek: They come out at 3:30 in the morning. Most people aren't up then, but I am. I can't sleep. Ever.
Kyle: Dude, we can't do a presentation on underpants gnomes. Mr. Garrison will fail us because you're making it up.
Tweek: No!! Sleep at my house tonight; I'll prove it to you.
Scene Description: The Tweak house that night. Richard Tweak and his wife are in the kitchen. They have three coffeemakers going on at once. Coffee mugs are everywhere.
Richard: They want me to sell the store, and it's so much money.
Mrs. Tweak: Some things are more important than money. [turns around] The people of South Park count on you to give them that first cup of coffee every day.
Richard: I know, but if they open a Harbucks right next door, we might go out of business. They really have my balls in a vice grip.
Scene Description: Tweek and the boys enter.
Mrs. Tweak: Oh, hello, son. How was your day?
Tweek: UUuuUunh!
Mrs. Tweek: That's good. Who are your little friends?
Tweek: What do you mean?!
Kyle: We're his oral report buddies.
Stan: Yeah, we have to stay up all night to write it.
Mrs. Tweak: Well, have some coffee boys. I'll brew up another pot for later.
Scene Description: The boys each take a cup.
Kyle: Coffee? I don't think I like coffee.
Mrs. Tweak: Hoh, you'll like this coffee. It's fresh.
Richard: [waxing prosaic] Country fresh, like the morning after a rainstorm.
Stan: 'Kay. Maybe it'll help us figure out what to do our report on. We have to present it to the entire South Park town committee tomorrow.
Richard: Oh. I've got one for you. How about doing a report on how large corporations take over little family-owned businesses?
Mrs. Tweak: Richard!
Richard: No, I'm- serious, hon. These boys should learn how the corporate machine is ruining America. You see, I own a coffee shop and now a great, big, multi-million dollar company is going to move in and try to take all my business, which means I may have to shut down and sell my son Tweek into slavery.
Tweek: Mwaaah! Slavery?
Richard: Yes, slavery.
Stan: [to Tweek] Wow, that sucks, dude.
Richard: They really have my balls in a salad shooter.
Kyle: We're already doing a paper on Tweek's underpants gnomes.
Stan: Yeah.
Mrs. Tweak: Now, Tweek, how many times do we have to tell you? Your underpants are missing because you lose them, not because of underpants gnomes.
Tweek: Uunnnnhh!
Kyle: Come on, you guys! We better get to work!
Scene Description: Tweek and the boys leave the kitchen.
Richard: Wuh-okay, but corporate takeovers is a much more fertile subject.
Mrs. Tweak: Honestly, Richard. I don't see why you have to preach to some eight-year olds.
Richard: Actually, honey, I think those little tykes are just what we need. I've got an idea.
Scene Description: Later that night, in Tweek's room, the boys sip their coffee.
Kyle: Man, this stuff is strong.
Stan: Kind of bitter.
Tweek: [in a corner of the room, scared] What if my parents go out of business? Uh what'll I do?
Kyle: [going to him] Don't worry about it.
Tweek: But we'll starve and die like dogs.
Cartman: Tweek, Tweek, you can always go on welfare. Look at Kenny's family: they're perfectly happy being poor and on welfare. Right, Kenny?
Kenny: (Fuck you!)
Cartman: Heheh, you suck, Kenny.
Kyle: Well, let's just try to finish all this coffee, so we can stay up.
Scene Description: Still later: 10:08p.m.. The boys are hyperactive.
Stan: Aooooo!
Kyle: Woohoo!
Kenny: (Let me try! Let me try!)
Stan: Yeess, this stuff rocks!
Kyle: Totally, dudes! I feel awesome!
Stan: [running] Whoopee!
Scene Description: Kenny jumps high enough to knock down the bedside lamp. The shade goes to the floor. 10:09 p.m.
Cartman: [running around the rim of a throw rug like an Olympian] You guys! You guys! Seriously! I'm a sorcerer! Zhyagah, zhyah, zhyagot that.
Kyle: Hey, Tweek, you got anymore of this stuff?
Tweek: I just have grounds.
Kyle: Killer!! [goes for it and eats it raw]
Cartman: [rushing up] Ey, let me have some grounds. [take some, swallows, and throws up]
Kyle: Gross, Cartman. Whoopee!
Scene Description: 10:15 p.m. gives way to 3:26 a.m., which finds the boys sitting against the bed. Tweek is on it, and Cartman is passed out next to the toys, surrounded by pools of vomit. Kenny looks sleepy.
Kyle: Hogh, my stomach hurts.
Stan: Yeah, mine too. I wonder why.
Kyle: [peeved] Well, it's 3:30; I don't see any god-damned underpants gnomes, Tweek.
Tweek: Urgh. Uh maybe, maybe it was all in my head. Maybe I'm going insane! Oh no I'm going insane!
Stan: [cross] Well, this is just great! We haven't gotten anything done, and we're totally screwed!
Richard: [checking] How's the report going, boys?
Stan: Bad!
Richard: Oh, do you need some more coffee?
Boys: Eugh.
Cartman: No...more...coffee. Blech. [the vomit falls back on him and on the ground]
Richard: Well, boys, uh. I don't mean to pry, but, if you want it, I wrote your report for you.
All: [suddenly bright] You did?!
Richard: Yes, it's all about corporate takeovers. Of course, you don't have to use it.
Stan: [goes with Kyle to get it] No, we'll use it.
Richard: Alright. [Kyle takes it] And it can be our little secret about who wrote it, right?
Scene Description: Tweek begins to hear some elfin music: "Time to go to work,"
Kyle: Sure. ["work all night"]
Richard: Now, when you give the report, [Tweek gasps and points] just make sure that you read this part first, okay? [the gnomes open the door and enter:"Search for underpants, heyWe won't stop until we have underpantsYum tum yummy tum day"]
Tweek: There they are!
Richard: [A gnome goes for Tweek's bottom drawer, opens it, and takes out some underpants."Time to go to work, work all nightSearch for underpants, heyWe won't stop until we have underpantsYum tum yummy tum day"]And when you come up to do it a second time, really, really clear it up, I mean, um, really, really play the sympathy angle. They'll like that. They'll be calling you, and you'll get a passing grade for it.
Tweek: ["Time to go to work, work all nightSearch for underpants, hey!"]You guys, look! Look! You're missing it![the gnomes take off with two pairs of underpants:"We won't stop until we have underpantsYum tum yummy tum day!"]
Tweek: Arrgghh! They took them again!
Kyle: [to Richard] Thanks, dude.
Richard: My pleasure. G'night, boys.
Stan: Wow, Tweek, your dad rocks!
Tweek: Why do they torture me like this?! Why can't they leave me alone?!
Kyle: Damnit! What the hell is wrong with you, Tweek?!
Tweek: They took my underpants again! Soon they'll want my blood! Blood! Euuggh!
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, the next day. The five-member South Park committee listens as Tweek's group speaks.
Kyle: [haltingly] "And as the voluminous corporate automaton bulldozes its way through bantam America...
Cartman: [steps forward] What will become of the endeavoring American family?"
Mr. Garrison: [off to one side, notices the lack of fluency] I don't think they wrote this, Mr. Hat.
Stan: Perhaps there is no stopping the corporate machine.
Tweek: [throbs] Uurrgh!
Kyle: And that's our report, I guess.
Mr. Garrison: Well, boys, it's obvious you didn't even-
Lady Member: Great job!
Mr. Garrison: [falling in] Yes, great job.
Lady Member: Boys, you have really opened our eyes. We didn't even know this was happening.
Cartman: Neither did we.
Lady Member: Well, Mr. Garrison, it looks like we were wrong about you. You really are teaching these kids something.
Mr. Garrison: Yeah, well, I don't want to sound like a dickhole, but I told you so.
Lady Member: Aw, I am really moved. I say we follow these boys's cause. Let's join them in the fight against corporate takeovers! [the members stand] Lead the way, boys!
Stan: Huh??
Tweek: Uunh, it's too much pressure!
Scene Description: Harbucks is going up.
Postum: [directing] Good! Good! Now, make sure that sign is really bright and flashy now.
Mrs. Tweak: My goodness. That's going to be a huge coffee house, honey.
Richard: Yes, it is. [places his hand over his groin] They really have my balls in a juice maker. [removes it as the boys stop by] Oh, hello, son, uh. How did your report go?
Tweek: Waagh!
Kyle: I think it went really good. Those people really got into it.
Richard: Really?? Well, son, you might have just saved the family business. What do you have to say about that?
Tweek: I need coffee.
Richard: I know how you boys feel. [walks to a cup on a stump] Sometimes a hot cup of French Roast Amaretto is just what a man needs to get him through the day. That smooth aroma and mild taste is what make Tweek coffee... [picks up the cup and places his left foot on the stump, right hand on his hip] uh very special. Special, like an Arizona sunrise or a juniper wet with dew. A light rain in the middle of a dusty afternoon or a hug from your dear old aunt- [a chorus is heard].
Tweek: Dad!
Richard: What?
Tweek: The metaphors, man!
Richard: Oh, sorry. Here you go. [hands him the cup]
Kyle: Hey. Do you ever think maybe you shouldn't give your son coffee?
Mrs. Tweak: Liike, how do you mean?
Kyle: Like look at him. He's always shaking and nervous.
Tweek: Agghh!
Mrs. Tweak: [holding a bag of Tweekers BLEND] Oh, that. He has ADD, attention deficit disorder. That's why he's so jittery all the time.
Scene Description: The town commitee arrives.
Lady Member: Mr. Tweek, we've only just heard.
Richard: Oh, hello committee members. What a surprise.
Lady Member: So, this is the corporate bulldozer trying to push you off the map. [Harbucks, with four tables on the roof]
Richard: Yes. How did you hear?
Lady Member 2: These boys did an excellent report for us this morning. They're so upset by this whole thing.
Kyle: My butt hurts.
Lady Member: Don't worry, Mr. Tweek. This committee is not going to let you be run out of business by these bastards! Do you hear that? You're not gonna get away with this, you whore!
Postum: Excuse me?!
Lady Member 2: Boys, we've talked it over, and we want you to take your case to the mayor!
Stan: Our case?
Tweek: Uuhhh, no way, man! That is way too much pressure!
Richard: [dismissing his son's apprehension] Oh, you'll do fine, son.
Lady Member 2: Come on, boys! Let's go!
Cartman: [pissed] Aw, man, this sucks!
Scene Description: The boys begin to walk with the town committee.
Tweek: [fretting] Aaarrrnnn!
Scene Description: City Hall. Mr. Garrison is present with the boys and the town committee.
Lady Member: ...And we would have never even known that this was happening if not for these boys' excellent report.
Mayor: You're telling me that students from Mr. Garrison's class actually did something that had some kind of relevance to the world?
Lady Member: That's right.
Scene Description: Garrison is shown.
Mayor: Mr. Garrison, the guy with the puppet?
Lady Member: Yes!
Mayor: Well, I must say, Garrison, perhaps you're not as stupid and crazy as I always tell people you are.
Mr. Garrison: Thank you, Mayor. I don't wanna sound like a dickhole, but I-
Lady Member: Mayor, these boys want that Harbucks coffee shut down right now!
Male Member: Yeah!
Lady Member 2: Yeah!
Mayor: Well, I can't just shut them down, this is a free country.
Lady Member: But they're ruining our city!
Mayor: Look, the best I can do is create a proposition. We'll call it Prop. 10. The town can vote on it, and if it passes, we'll see what we can do.
Blond Member: Hooray!
The Other Members: Hooray!
Lady Member: [ecstatic] What do you say, boys? We're gonna pass a law!
Stan: Uh... Hooray.
Mayor: So I guess you wanna do some campaigning. [Tweek hears the gnomes coming] You can do commercials and things like that, and then we'll have a vote in the middle of town. And obviously, if more than 50% of the people even show up...["Time to go to work, work all nightSearch for underpants, hey!We won't stop until we have underpantsYum tum yummy tum dayTime to go to work, work all night" The gnomes go up to Johnson and pull his underpants out]
Tweek: Wagh!
Mayor: ["Search for underpants, heyWe won't stop until we have..." A gnome tosses the underpants to two others, who carry it away over their heads. They all leave]...and care enough to want Harbucks out, then, they're out. So, good luck to you. [the town committee leaves]
Tweek: Didn't you see them!?
Mayor: Alright, what's next.
Ted: Next is issue 37D, missing underpants. [hands the issue to her]
Johnson: Is it cold in here?
Mr. Garrison: Uh, boys, can I have a quick this and that with you? Boys, I don't know who wrote that report, but now that you've convinced everybody, you'd better stick with it. 'Cause if these people find out you didn't really write that paper, and I actually do get fired, then Mr. Hat is gonna do horrible things to you. [pretends Mr. Hat is saying something to him] Oh, not that, Mr. Hat! That's really horrible! Anyway, good luck passing your new law, boys.
Tweek: Jesus, man, Jesus! What are we gonna do, huh?!
Scene Description: South Park Town Hall Meeting.
Host: Live, it's the South Park Town Hall Meeting on Public Access. Tonight's topic: Prop. 10.
Scene Description: The audience claps.
Mediator: Should Harbucks be allowed to open a store in South Park? That's tonight's topic. On my left, five innocent, starry-eyed boys from Middle America. [shot of the boys] On my right, a big, fat, smelly corporate guy from New York.
Audience: Boo!
Postum: Hey, I'm not fat or smelly!
Mediator: All right, Mr. Douchebag.
Postum: Postum!
Mediator: Oh. Pardon me, Mr. Assface. Anyway, let's hear your side of the argument.
Audience: Boo!
Postum: My argument is simple. This country's founded on free enterprise. Harbucks is an organization that-
Audience: Hhssssssss!
Postum: An organization that prides itself on great coffee! We simply want tuh- Oh, to hell with you!
Mediator: [the hissing stops] Okay, ucka-fay. Now for the other side of the argument we turn to our young, handsome lads. [the boys stay silent] Boys, your thoughts. [Tweek twitches] Come on, boys, don't be shy. What's your principal argument?
Scene Description: Nothing. A stern Mr. Garrison crosses his arms.
Kyle: Uh...
Stan: Uh...
Cartman: This guy sucks ass!
Audience: Yeah! Yeah! Woo!
Mediator: Great argument! You win, boys!
Postum: What?!
Mr. Garrison: [softly, relieved] That was close, Mr. Hat.
Scene Description: The boys' first commercial, beginning with an American flag waving, filling the screen.
Voice-over: What is the future of America? Is it the money we make? [a $1 bill] The quests we conquer? [the Moon shot] No, it's children. [head shots of Tweek and the boys] So what do children have to say about Prop. 10?
Kyle: [screen right to screen left] I don't like big corporations.
Stan: [rising from the bottom] I like small businesses.
Cartman: [screen left to screen right] I believe in the family-owned enterprise.
Kenny: [dropping from the top] (In my family, it's a silly enterprise.)
Tweek: [screen right to screen left] Aarrgghh!
Voice-over: It's time to stop large corporations. Prop. 10 is about children. Vote Yes on Prop. 10, or else, you hate children. You don't hate... children... do you? Remember, keep American business small, or else. [the kids' heads combust and only their skulls are left in flames, with charred caps.] Paid for by Citizens for a Fair and Equal way to get Harbucks Coffee kicked out of town forever.
Scene Description: The TV clicks off, and everyone is in the studio.
Lady Member: Well, what do you think?
Richard: Wow, it it's great!
Lady Member: [confidently] Yes, it is. We'll put it on the air immediately.
Richard: What do you think, hon? [she crosses her arms and moves away him. He follows] Hon? What's the matter?
Scene Description: Mrs. Tweak turns to him.
Mrs. Tweak: I have a big problem with this.
Richard: What do you mean?
Mrs. Tweak: We are just using those boys for our benefit. They have no idea what they're saying.
Richard: But, kids are great to get people on our side.
Mrs. Tweak: You don't just throw a child in a political commercial to sell your beliefs. I won't be a part of this anymore. [walks out the door]
Richard: Honey, all's fair in love and war. [softly] And coffee. Hon? Hu-hon?
Scene Description: Harbucks' grand opening. Protesters arrive.
Lady Protester: Take your corporate coffee and go back to New York City!
Crowd: Yeah!!
Blonde Protester: It's people like you who are ruining Main Street, USA!
Scene Description: Postum looks out through the window.
Crowd: That's right! Yeah!
Lady Protester: How many Native Americans did you slaughter to make that coffee, huh?!
Crowd: [after a pause] Yeah!!
Postum: [inside] Damn, these people aren't buying any coffee! I'll have to try and appeal to the younger crowd.
Scene Description: Later. The crowd now marches in front of Harbucks. To the right, Harbucks' mascot, wearing a fez, holds a tray of coffee cups topped with whipped cream before a boy.
Postum: [the man in the camel] Hey, kids. I'm Camel Joe and I love a fresh cup of coffee. It's yum diddly-icious, and it makes you feel super! [a small boy is listening] I have a surprise for you: the new Kiddicino from Harbucks; more sugar and all the other goodies kids like with all the caffeine of a normal double latte.
Scene Description: The kid reaches for one.
Kid's Mom: [rushing up] No Billy, no coffee for you. [to Camel Joe] You should be ashamed of yourself, using cartoons to push caffeine on children!
Postum: [rips off the helmet] Why don't you go back to the hole you crawled out from, lady?!
Richard: [intervening] Uh, Mr. Postum, I'm afraid you've got a lot to learn about making coffee.
Postum: Oh, and you don't? Your coffee tastes like three-day-old moldy diarrhea!
Richard: Uh, I'm sorry to inform you that this town is having a vote tomorrow, and if the law passes, you're gonna be thrown out of town.
Postum: What?!
Richard: At five o'clock, the best coffee wins. Either your coffee, or a fresh, warm cup of... Tweek's coffee. [brings out a bag of Tweekers BLEND, then hugs it] Like an old sweater that keeps getting warmer with age, you can count on Tweek's coffee to start your day. [turns and walks away]
Mayor: [arriving with her aides] Tomorrow, for the Prop. 10 vote, we'll set up ballot booths... here. [between the two coffee shops] All right, men, we'll throw up the stage here. Before the vote we'll get a band everyone likes, like uhhhh, like...
Johnson: Toto.
Mayor: Like Toto. And then the Harbucks guy will have five minutes to speak and the boys will have five minutes to speak, and then the town votes.
Mr. Garrison: [standing with the boys in front of Tweek Bros.] Uh, boys, you better get your asses to work.
Cartman: What now?
Mr. Garrison: They're expecting you to give a big speech on corporate takeovers, and this time it has to last five minutes.
Kyle: Oh, God, when is this gonna end?
Stan: Your dad really screwed us, Tweek!
Tweek: Jesus, dude! I'm to blame for all this! I'm to blame for everything!
Scene Description: Tweek's house that night, Tweek's room. Tweek is on the floor and the others are on his bed.
Kyle: So what are we gonna say?
Cartman: Why can't we just read the paper we wrote last time?
Stan: 'Cause then they'll know we didn't write it, dummy! We have to be original!
Kyle: Does anybody know anything about corporations? [the gnomes return, and Tweek gasps. The door opens and the gnomes enter, singing their theme:"Time to go to work, work all nightSearch for underpants, hey"]
Tweek: ["We won't stop"] Waagh!
Cartman: ["until we have underpants"] I think my mom is a corporation.
Stan: ["Yum tum yummy tum day!"] Yeah, that makes sense.
Tweek: You guys! Sshhhh! ["Time to go to work"]
Kyle: Well, how about we just say, "corporates should be stopped"?["work all nightSearch for underpants, hey"]
Stan: How do we stretch that into five minutes?
Tweek: They're taking my underpants!["We won't stop until we have underpantsYum tum yummy tum day"]
Kyle: [looking down] Will you stop with the underpants gnomes, Tweek?! We have to work here! ["Time to go to work"]
Tweek: [points at the gnomes] Aaaggghhh! ["work all nightSearch for underpants, hey"They open the bottom drawer and go for the underpants]
Stan: What the hell? ["We won't stop"]
Cartman: ["until we have underpants"] Well, I'll be damned.
Tweek: ["Yum tum yummy tum day!"] That's my last pair of underpants! ["Time to go to work, work all nightSearch for underpants, hey..." The gnomes go for the door, and the boys hop off the bed to follow. One gnome stops and faces the boys]
Kyle: Sshh, don't scare him.
Stan: Hey there, little guy.
Cartman: Bad! [whacks the gnome with a stick]
Kyle: Cartman!
Cartman: What?!
Kyle: Why do you always have to hit stuff with a stick?!
Cartman: Well, look at him. He's all, you know, uh l-look at him. [whacks him again]
Gnome: Is that all you've got, pussy?
Cartman: What?! [advances]
Stan: Hey, he talks!
Cartman: Yeah, he called me a pussy! I'm not a pussy, you're a pussy!
Gnome: You're a pussy, pussy!
Cartman: Ey!
Stan: Dude, why are you taking Tweek's underpants?
Kyle: Yeah, look what you're doing to this poor kid.
Tweek: Waggh.
Gnome: Stealing underpants big business.
Stan: Business? Wait, do you know anything about business?
Gnome: Sure, that's what gnomes do.
Kyle: Show us.
Gnome: O-kay. Follow me. [goes for the door]
Cartman: [muttering] Little pussy gnome. Don't call me a pussy, pussy gnome.
Scene Description: The woods. The gnome leads them on to his cave.
Gnome: Not much longer now.
Cartman: Oh, are you gonna take us to your little pussy house?
Gnome: No, pussy, I'm taking you to my village.
Cartman: Oh, your pussy village?
Stan: Cartman, will you just shut up and let him show us?
Gnome: [reaches a tree, knocks on its base and a door opens] Follow me.
Cartman: [the boys look at him] I hope we're not wasting our time with this little pecker.
Scene Description: Starbucks, early morn. Workers put on the finishing touches to the coffee store.
Postum: Well, it looks like Harbucks will never make it in this town. [turns around] All right, boys, that's it. Pack it up, we're movin' out of town.
Worker 1: Aw, but we just finished.
Postum: I know, but these folks obviously don't want us here.
Worker 2: But what will become of us?
Postum: Oh, quit being so melodramatic, Sanchez. Jesus Christ!
Scene Description: Underground. The boys are still following the gnome.
Stan: Damn, dude, this place is huge!
Scene Description: Before them is a pile of underpants as tall as a man. Some of them are colored.
Kyle: Yeah. It's almost as big as Cartman's ass.
Cartman: [exhales] No it isn't, you guys!
Gnome: This is where all our work is done.
Cartman: So what are you gonna do with all these underpants that you steal?
Gnome: Collecting underpants is just phase 1. Phase 1: collect underpants.
Kyle: Sooo, what's phase 2?
Gnome: [has no response. Looks around, then calls out to the other gnomes on the underpants mound] Hey, what's phase 2?
Gnome 2: Phase 1: we collect underpants.
Gnome: Yeah yeah yeah, but, what about phase 2?
Gnome 2: [says nothing, then] Well, phase 3 is profit. Get it?
Stan: I don't get it.
Gnome 2: [walks up to a large chart] You see,Phase 1: collect underpants. Phase 2: ... Phase 3: Profit.
Cartman: Oh, I get it.
Stan: No you don't, fatass!
Kyle: Do you guys know anything about corporations?
Gnome: You bet we do!
Gnome 2: Us gnomes are geniuses at corporations.
Gnomes: [three of them move a cart up a track]Time to go to work, work all nightSe-
Center Gnome: [the cart falls off the track and on down] Jesus Christ, look out!
Scene Description: The cart lands on Kenny.
Stan: Oh my God, they killed Kenny.
Kyle: You bastards. Listen, we have to give a huge speech tomorrow about corporate takeovers.
Gnome: Holy shit! We've killed your friend!
Stan: Yeahyeahyeah. Look. We've gotta know about corporate takeovers tomorrow or we're screwed.
Gnome 2: Christ, we squished him like a bug!
Stan: Do you know anything about corporate takeovers?
Gnome: Well, we can explain that to you easily.
Gnome 2: Yes, for a price.
Kyle: What?
Gnome: You know.
Stan: Underpants?
Gnomes: Underpants!
Scene Description: Harbucks, daytime. Prop. 10 supporters are out in force and Toto is performing.
Lady Member: [taking the stage] Toto, ladies and gentlemen!
Scene Description: The band leaves.
Prop. 10 Supporter: Yeah, Toto! Whoo, Toto! Woo!
Lady Member: All right. And now, before we all vote yes on Prop. 10, here to remind us why are the lovable, innocent children.
Stan: Uh. Since we are so concerned with the corporate takeovers, we went and asked our friends, the underpants gnomes, and they told us all about big corporations.
Supporter: Underpants gnomes?
Kyle: Big corporations are good!
Supporter: What?
Supporter 2: What's this?
Supporter 3: Good? [the Lady Member is cross]
Kyle: Because without big corporations we wouldn't have things like cars and computers and canned soup.
Stan: Even Harbucks Coffee started off as a small, little business. But because it made such great coffee, and because they ran their business so well, they managed to grow and grow until it became the corporate powerhouse it is today. And that is why we should all let Harbucks stay!
Scene Description: The crowd is stunned.
Townsman: Ogh.
Lady Member: That's not what you said last time.
Kyle: Uuuh. Well, the truth is, we didn't write that paper last time.
Scene Description: Gasps from the crowd.
Mr. Garrison: You little turds!! You've ruined my life for the last time!!
Scene Description: Officer Barbrady and another man haul him off. Mrs. Tweek claps for the boys and goes onstage.
Mrs. Tweak: These boys are absolutely right. We've been using these poor kids to pull at your heartstrings for our cause, and it's wrong. We're as low and despicable as Rob Reiner. You keep protesting and complaining, but did any of you ever even bother to taste Harbucks coffee? [shot of the town committee. The crowd blinks] Harbucks coffee got to where it is by being the best. Don't you think you should at least try it?
Scene Description: The crowd parts as Postum exits Harbucks with a tray of his coffee, then closes in to get the coffee. Some people taste it.
Townsman: Hey, this is pretty damn good.
Townsman 2: Yeah, it doesn't have that bland, raw, sewage taste that Tweek's coffee has.
Richard: [comes over for a taste] Hey. Hey, that is good.
Postum: It's a French roast.
Richard: It's subtle and mild. Mild, like that first splash of sun on an April morning. This coffee is coffee the way it should be.
Postum: Hehey, no hard feelings, Tweek. You know, we still need someone to run this Harbucks coffeehouse. I'm sure it will make a lot of money.
Richard: Thank you, Mr. Postum, but I think we'll be happy with the money we make selling our son into slavery.
Tweek: Aggghhh!
Richard: Just kidding, son.
Scene Description: Everyone laughs. The gnomes come and remove the pants from a townsman behind Tweek's right shoulder.
Cartman: I love you guys. [more laughter]
Scene Description: '[End of Gnomes. And what do the gnomes sing?Time to go to work, work all nightSearch for underpants, hey!We won't stop until we have underpantsYum tum yummy tum day!]'


Scene Description: Cartman's house. A television is heard. The screen shows an Australian crocodile hunter narrating his adventures as a woman pilots his boat down a river.
Aussie: As we steer our boat down [the boys are on the sofa looking at TV], looking for these dangerous predators... Boy, there's a king croc right here. [it slips into the water] He must be four meters; 12, 13 feet long at least. [it looks up at him] This croc has enough power in its jaws to rip my head right off.
Kenny: (Oh, no!) [tightens his hood up]
Aussie: I've got to be careful. So, what I'm gonna do is sneak up on it and jam my thumb in its butthole.
Stan: Holy crap. dude!
Aussie: If I get bit out here, I'm 200 kilometers from the nearest hospital: I'd better be real careful jamming my thumb in its butthole. [jumps in and grabs the crocodile] Oh, boy, it's pissed off now.
Kyle: Go, dude, go! [excited, the boys jump on the sofa]
Aussie: I'm gonna jam my thumb in its butthole now! This should really piss it off! [reaches down with his left thumb to do it. The croc jumps up in pain and drops] Oh, yeah, that pissed it off, all right! [the boys cheer] I've gotta be careful!
Stan: This guy rules!
Kenny: (He actually killed it!)
Cartman: I told you guys.
Aussie: [with left arm now bandaged and in a sling] Well! That was quite an angry croc! But I managed to escape with only a few bruises and a shattered left testicle. Next week we'll look for more of these beautiful creatures, so we can learn more about them by pissing them off immensely. Thanks for watching.
Kyle: [to Stan] Dude! Let's go look for crocodiles!
Stan: Yeah!
Scene Description: The four of them hop to the floor and walk out the front door.
Scene Description: The woods. Cartman leads the boys up a hill. All are armed with water guns.
Cartman: [with Aussie accent] There's bound to be some crocs up here. I'll use my croc call and try to bring 'em out. Brigeghus, brigeghus! Brig-!
Kyle: That's not how a croc sounds, you fatass penis!
Cartman: [advancing towards Kyle] Ogh! Now I'm gonna kick my friend Kyle in the beanbag and see what happens, by crikey!
Kyle: Get away from me, Cartman! [backs away]
Cartman: Come 'ere, crocky.
Kyle: [trips over a rock and tumbles down the slope] AAAAAAAAAA!
Scene Description: The boys follow him to a hole.
Stan: Dude!
Kyle: [from the bottom of a dark shaft. His figure disappears] HELP! [thud]
Stan: Good job, Cartman! You killed Kyle!
Kenny: (You bastard!)
Cartman: Well, he shouldn't have called me fat. [backs up]
Stan: Why the hell not?! That's like calling the sky blue!
Cartman: Well, screw him, he's dead! Let's go look for crocodiles! [turns around and walks off]
Kyle: You guuuys!
Stan: [to Cartman] Hey, he's still alive. [looks down and calls] Kyle, you okay? [Cartman returns and looks down]
Kyle: I think so. Is Cartman up there?
Cartman: I'm right here, Kyle.
Kyle: Cartman, you fucking hunk of fat, rat-fucking hunk of pig-fucking ass fat.
Cartman: Oh yeah?! Oh yeah?! Say that to my face, pussy!
Stan: Can you climb back up, dude?
Kyle: I don't think so.
Stan: Damn it, I guess I'll have to go get him.
Cartman: [moves away] Nah. Come on, guys. Let's go look for crocodi-iles.
Scene Description: Inside a cave at the bottom of the shaft, Kyle awaits his rescue. Stan descends, spinning slowly as Cartman huffs outside.
Stan: Whoa, dude. This is making me sick. Blaach! [his vomit goes everywhere] Bluchluchluchluch.
Kyle: Sick, dude! [wipes some off his cap]
Stan: Sorry. [Cartman slips a bit] What the hell are you doing, fat boy?! [drops to the cave ground and stands up]
Cartman: Screw you, hippie!
Kyle: Come on, dude. I wanna get out of here.
Stan: All right. Just grab the rope. Wait a minute. What's this?
Scene Description: He walks to an ice pillar nearby. Kyle follows. Stan rubs some frost away from the pillar, revealing a frozen man.
Both: AAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Kyle: Dude, it's a dude!
Scene Description: Stan takes a closer look.
Stan: He's like, some frozen guy.
Cartman: Come on, you guys, it's getting cold up here!
Stan: Shut up, Cartman! [to Kyle] Dude, I saw this in a movie once. The old cavemen get frozen, and then people discover them and make them their caveman friends.
Kyle: Wow. Cool.
Stan: [to Cartman and Kenny] You guys, there's a frozen ape man from the past down here! Send some more rope!
Cartman: Really? [to Kenny] Hey, there's a frozen guy down there.
Stan: [to Kyle] Help me chip some of the ice away.
Cartman: Hey you guys. This is just like that one movie, um, John Travolta and that, French chick were doing it, all summer long and went back to school and sang songs about "Greased Lightning." [no response] You know, that movie where Sandra Dee thinks she's all prissy, and then they try and try to get an abortion, but she doesn't have all the-
Stan and Kyle: [frustrated by Cartman's talkativeness] CARTMAN, WILL YOU SHUT THE HELL UP AND GET SOME MORE ROPE?!
Cartman: Aww, screw you guys anyway!
Stan: Hey, remember when that kid found a wallet and got a reward?
Kyle: Yeah, sweet! Maybe we can get a reward for the frozen guy!
Both: Hooray!
Cartman: For what?
Scene Description: On the road towards town. Cartman pulls the frozen man on a sled while the other three push from behind.
Stan: Where shall we bring it?
Kyle: I don't know. We just have to get it to town and let them figure out what to do with it.
Stan: I think I'm going to name it Gorak.
Kyle: No, dude! We have to name it Steve.
Stan: [stops] Steve? What the hell kind of caveman name is Steve? [Cartman pulls, but isn't going anywhere]
Kyle: It's my name, and I found him.
Stan: You didn't find him, I found him.
Kyle: What are you talking about, dude?! I fell down that abyss and there it was!
Stan: You wouldn't even have noticed it if I hadn't pointed it out.
Kyle: Kenny, who found the ice man?
Kenny: (Well, I think you guys should name it Steve.)
Cartman: I think we're almost there, you guys.
Scene Description: City Hall front lawn. The mayor is at the podium and a crowd of townspeople is watching.
Mayor McDaniels: Aalll right, people. The next order of business is a very serious matter. We need to vote on whether South Park should reinstate the death penalty or not. All those in favor, say "yippee."
Some people: Yippee.
Tardy Man: Wait, what was that? I missed the question. Yippee! [raises both hands]
Mayor McDaniels: All those opposed, say "nay."
Other people: Nay.
Tardy Man: Screw you! [punches the guy to his right]
Man: Ey! Screw you! [hits the tardy man, and everyone starts fighting. The boys show up with the ice man]
Stan: Huh, excuse me?
Mayor McDaniels: Not now, kids. The town is having a very important debate on capital punishment. [quite vigorously, too]
Kyle: But we found a frozen ice man from the past! [all stop]
Stan: I found this frozen guy in the woods today.
Kyle: No. I found this frozen guy in the woods today.
Mayor McDaniels: What the hell is going on here?
Kyle: We came for our reward.
Cartman: Yeah, like the kid with the wallet.
Mayor McDaniels: [annoyed] Reward? What reward?
Dr. Mephesto: [arriving] Mayor, I think the boys may have stumbled onto something here. You see, Mayor, frozen links are often found: dinosaur eggs, woolly mammoths. This specimen could be a missing link [close-up] in our evolution. If I can unfreeze the body, and perform an autopsy, I could learn much about this creature's people and its time.
Mayor: Sure sure sure, be my guest, knock your socks off.
Dr. Mephesto: Thank you, Mayor. Oh, and boys, I, I can't give you a reward for finding this creature, but if you'd like, I'll let you name him.
Stan: Really.
Kyle: Sweet. How about Steve?
Dr. Mephesto: Steve it is.
Stan: Wait a minute! His name is Gorak!
Dr. Mephesto: Come on, Steve. We've got work to do. [pushes Larry away with Kevin. Stan is not happy at Kyle's sleight of word] Unfreezing this body will be quite delicate work. We'll have to use the most advanced methods available.
Scene Description: The South Park Genetic Engineering Ranch. Inside, Dr. Mephesto and Kevin use blow dryers on the ice man. Quite an advanced method.
Dr. Mephesto: This is very exciting. He could be a Neanderthal. Or an Australopithecus from the Paleolithic era. [turns off the blow dryer and picks up a flashlight to inspect the man] Do you see that, Kevin? These clothes are from Eddie Bauer. I haven't seen anybody wear clothes from Eddie Bauer since... 1996! [Kevin expresses shock] This is incredible! Think of all we can learn from this body! All that it can teach us! Let's just hope the press doesn't get wind of this right away.
Scene Description: The lab door flies open and cameras flash all around. Officer Barbrady tries to hold the press back by barring entrance through the door.
Officer Barbrady: Stand back, people. There's nothing to see here.
Reporter: What about the prehistoric ice man?
Officer Barbrady: Oh, yeah. There is that. [lowers his arms, and the press rushes in.]
Reporter: Dr. Mephesto, could you please tell us what's going on?
Dr. Mephesto: Ladies and gentlemen, we still have a lot of work to do. [the press mills around, taking pictures] But it is my opinion that this man has been frozen in time for over 32 months! [some reporters gasp] Yes, it's true, although at this early stage we know very little about this man or the time from which he comes.
Scene Description: News 4 Special Report. The caption has a silhouette of a caveman stamped with a question mark.
Reporter: Fascinating news tonight from South Park. An ancient discovery of a prehistoric man actually frozen in ice. A team of scientists continues to try and unfreeze the body so that it can be autopsied, and studied. The caveman was discovered by Kyle Broflovski, who had this to say:
Kyle: [Stan and Kenny in the background] Well, I fell down this ice cavern, [Stan interrupts him with "la"s] and I saw this block of ice, so I told my friend to throw a rope- [Kenny looks at Stan, and Kyle glances back]
Reporter: The prehistoric ice man is thought to be from the late neo-post-Jurassic era, where he was probably part of a hunting and gathering tribe that lived on Waterston Street.
Scene Description: The genetic engineering ranch.
Dr. Mephesto: That's it, Kevin. Now we can begin the autopsy.
Larry: [stirs] Uuuurrr.
Dr. Mephesto: Ugh? What's this?
Larry: [stirs more] Mmmmm.
Mayor McDaniels: Holy crap! He's alive??
Dr. Mephesto: That's impossible! [to Kevin] Do an EKG on him!
Scene Description: Kevin hits Larry on the head with the hammer.
Larry: Uugh! [Raises his right arm to his head to soothe the pain]
Dr. Mephesto: My God, he really is alive. The ice must have preserved him!
Mayor McDaniels: [alarmed] Well, quick, do something!
Dr. Mephesto: No no, we've got to think this through. [takes the mayor aside] Mayor, this man has not been conscious for almost three years. He won't understand what he sees! He'll be frightened and confused!
Mayor McDaniels: Well, you just can't let him die.
Dr. Mephesto: Perhaps death is better than the shock he will take trying to adapt to our time.
Larry: Uh, ughn.
Dr. Mephesto: [moves towards him] Oh my God. It looks as if he's about to speak!
Larry: [eyes open] Where... where am I?
Reporter 1: What?
Reporter 2: What's he saying?
Reporter 3: Is that English?
Dr. Mephesto: What? You're, you're hungry?
Larry: Where am I?
Dr. Mephesto: You're, you're hungry?
Larry: What's goin' on?
Dr. Mephesto: Me friend. Friieend. Me friend. Ma-phes-to. Mah-phehs-to.
Larry: Huh?
Dr. Mephesto: Hawgh! If we could understand what he's saying, then maybe we could get some answers. [Kevin hits Larry a couple more times, and Larry soothes his head again] If only there was someone who could communicate with him on a level as primitive as his own, a mind like... a child.
Scene Description: The boys walk along the curb on their was home.
Stan: Dude, I wanted to call him Gorak.
Kyle: Gorak's a gay name.
Stan: No, it isn't!
Kyle: Why are you being such a dick?
Stan: I'm not being a dick, you're being a dick!
Kyle: Nuh-uh!
Officer Barbrady: [rushing up] Hello, children. Dr. Mephesto needs one of you to help him out in his lab with the prehistoric ice man.
Kyle: I'll go.
Stan: No, I'll go! I found him!
Cartman: Damn, I've never seen you guys fight like this!
Officer Barbrady: All right, there's only one fair way to do this. Everyone stick out their potatoes. [thumbs come out] My mother and your mother were out hanging clothes. My mother punched your mother in the nose. What color blood came out? [Lands on Kenny]
Kenny: (Blue.)
Officer Barbrady: B L O O uh oh-O spells "blue" and that means that you will go to the lab and help out Mephesto and then we can all go home and watch Murphy Brown. [The boys look confused]
Scene Description: The genetic engineering ranch. Larry is now sitting up.
Dr. Mephesto: Steve. You-
Larry: Where am I?
Dr. Mephesto: Steeve. Steeeve. Steeeve. [the door opens, and the boys rush in] Oh good, you're here.
Stan: Oh my God, they revived Gorak.
Kyle: You bastards!
Dr. Mephesto: Yes, and I need you to communicate with him. See if you can understand what he's saying.
Scene Description: He takes Stan to Larry.
Stan: Uh, hi.
Larry: Hi.
Dr. Mephesto: [rushing] What'd he say?
Stan: He said, "hi."
Dr. Mephesto: Very interesting.
Larry: Where am I?
Dr. Mephesto: What??
Stan: He wants to know where he is.
Dr. Mephesto: Tell him, tell him he's... home.
Stan: You're... home.
Scene Description: Larry scratches his head.
Dr. Mephesto: In the year 1999.
Larry: It's 1999??
Dr. Mephesto: He's been frozen for the last 32 months.
Stan: Dude, you've been frozen 32 months.
Dr. Mephesto: And we found you-
Larry: What? Thirty-two months?!
Dr. Mephesto: All right, all right, all-
Larry: Aaaa! [throws over a tray]
Dr. Mephesto: All right, all right, calm down.
Larry: [panics] AAAAAAA!
Dr. Mephesto: I think that's enough for today. [sedates him]
Larry: Whoa, oh.
Kyle: Good job, dude! You freaked him out!
Stan: Oh, shut up, assmaster. You're just jealous 'cause they had me talk to him.
Scene Description: They face each other. Cartman looks on, between them.
Kyle: Guess what? You're not my best friend anymore! Cartman's my new best friend!
Cartman: Sweet.
Stan: Oh yeah? Well You're not my best friend anymore, either! Cartman is now my best friend!
Cartman: Killer.
Kyle: Fine! [turns and walks away]
Stan: Fine! [turns and walks away]
Cartman: Fine.
Scene Description: The genetic engineering ranch. A car is stationed outside. A finger presses the butt-shaped doorbell.
Agent: [one of three] Are you Alphonse Mephesto?
Dr. Mephesto: The same.
Agent: We understand that you are currently in possession of the prehistoric ice man from 1996.
Dr. Mephesto: That's right.
Agent: We would like to... [notices Kevin and stares] we would like to offer our services in your experiments.
Dr. Mephesto: Oh? Where are you gents from?
Agent 2: We are from the University, of... America.
Dr. Mephesto: Well, there's not a lot to see, but... Come in. [opens the door and makes way for them] He's still not responding much to us; the shock is still settling in, [as he leads them, familiar animals can be seen in display cages: four-assed monkey, four-assed mongoose, four-assed ostrich] but we've made great progress now that he's in the habitat.
Agent: Habitat?
Dr. Mephesto: [they turn the corner into a darkened area] Yes. Kevin and I designed a habitat for Steve to live in that is completely like his own world. Everything is 1996-oriented.
Scene Description: He turns on the light, and Ace of Base's "All That She Wants" blares from a stereo.
Agent: Amazing. He looks so much like us.
Scene Description: Larry sits on a "Hunchback of Notre Dame" bed, with posters of "Fargo" and "Independence Day" on the back wall.
Dr. Mephesto: Yes, well, Kevin has done a lot of work in figuring out just how related to us Steve really is. He came up with this drawing:
Scene Description: He holds up evolution of man drawing with "Steve" right before the modern man.
Agent: Dr. Mephesto, we realize that scientific study is expensive. We want to help you make this project more... lucrative.
Dr. Mephesto: How would we do that?
Agent: It's easy.
Scene Description: Dr. Mephesto has opened up his ranch to the public. Viewers move down a moving sidewalk looking at the habitat and listening to Ace of Base's "The Sign". One viewer snaps a picture. Mephesto stands at a podium.
Dr. Mephesto: As you can see, the ice man is listening to Ace of Base, which was a very popular group during his era, and primitive drumming soothed his people's tempers.
Scene Description: The boys appear on the sidewalk.
Stan: He doesn't look very happy in there.
Kyle: No, he sure doesn't.
Stan: I wasn't talking to you, buttpipe! I was talking to Cartman!
Kyle: Well, I was talking to Cartman, too!
Cartman: Damn, I'm pretty freakin' cool all of a sudden.
Dr. Mephesto: Ah! Here we see the ice man trying to gain Internet access on the computer. The Internet was still not very big in his time, so the Web frightens and confuses him. [Larry throws the mouse away, then overturns the computer in a fit of rage. The viewers are alarmed as he moves towards the window] It's okay, he can't hurt you. [they chuckle in relief] It's one-way glass: he can't even see us. [Larry goes to the back wall] And now the ice man watches television.
Scene Description: Click. The Aussie hunter is on TV. A grizzly bear is man-handling him.
Aussie: This grizzly bear has the strength of over ten Morgan Freemans. I'm really pissing him off right now.
Dr. Mephesto: [to the Agents] Wait. This could be dangerous.
Agent: How so?
Dr. Mepehsto: He's changing the channel. Something on the television could frighten and confuse him.
Sports Reporter: And they've done it! The Atlanta Falcons are going to the Super Bowl!
Larry: What?!! Rrrowrrr!
Scene Description: He throws the TV off the cabinet and the crowd recoils. He senses the crowd, as he turns towards the glass and growls.
Stan: [approaches with Kyle and Cartman] You guys aren't being very nice to my creature.
Kyle: He's my creature!
Dr. Mephesto: He's fine, boys. And we're learning so much from him.
Stan: Let him out, dude. He's scared.
Agent: He would be more scared on the outside. Do you think this stuff freaks him out? How do you think he'd react to what's happening in the government right now?
Kyle: But it isn't right!
Agent 2: Little boy, sometimes, what's right isn't as important as what's profitable.
Scene Description: Stan turns and walks to the window. He looks at "Steve" in empathy. More people come by to look at the ice man.
Kenny: [notices the end of the sidewalk] (Uh oh. Ow!)
Scene Description: He slips down between the sidewalk and the landing, and is flattened to death. His remains reappear at the other end.
Stan: [gasps] Oh my God, they killed Kenny! [looks at Kyle]
Kyle: What?! I'm not talking to you! [walks away]
Scene Description: Later that night.
Stan: [a voice in the night] Gorak! [he rushes to the habitat, then heads to the access door] Gorak! Gorak! Are you there?
Larry: Oh hi. What are you doing here? Viewing hours are 10 to 6.
Stan: I don't think it's fair for them to keep you captive like this, Gorak. I came to bust you out.
Larry: Wow. That's really nice of you, kid. Thanks!
Scene Description: A door opens off-screen, and Stan turns to see who it is. Kyle appears.
Stan: What are you doing here?
Kyle: [reaches the access door] I'm here to bust out Steve.
Stan: What?! You can't. I'm here to bust out Gorak.
Kyle: His name is Steve!
Stan: His name is Gorak!
Larry: My name is Larry.
Kyle: Steve!
Stan: Gorak!
Kyle: Steve!
Stan: What kind of stupid-ass name is Steve?!
Kyle: Because, he kinda like looks like Steve Austin, the $6 million man.
Stan: [looks up at Larry, who looks back] No he doesn't!!
Kyle: Does so!
Larry: Uh. Hey, kids, could you just open the door so I can get back to my family?
Stan: I found him, I'm rescuing him!
Scene Description: Kyle just opens the door.
Larry: [to Kyle] Thanks. [leaves]
Stan: You're a dick!
Kyle: You're a dick!
Stan: You're a dick, and I've had it with your dicketry! I choose you!
Kyle: You want a fight? Well, that's fine with me!
Stan: Tomorrow at the bus stop, 4 o'clock!
Kyle: Well, why don't we make 3 o'clock?
Stan: [hushed] Dude, Terrance and Phillip is on at 3.
Kyle: [hushed] Oh yeah. [loudly] Fine, I'll kick your ass tomorrow, dick! [walks away]
Stan: I'll kick your ass so bad you'll wish you never had it- to begin with! Your ass, I mean. [turns his head aside] Wait. [walks off in the opposite direction]
Scene Description: The town, next day. Larry walks around and comes across "TELE'S," which shows a large-screen TV flanked by towers three TV's tall on each side. Marilyn Manson is on screen.
Marilyn Manson: I just smelled your britches and they're stinky Stinky Britches Stinky Britches
Larry: Arrrggh!
Scene Description: He crashes through the window, takes the large-screen TV and smashes it to the ground, then walks away.
Scene Description: The genetic engineering ranch.
Dr. Mephesto: He's gone! The ice man has broken out!
Agent: No, that's impossible! How could he have?
Dr. Mephesto: He must have used this... door.
Scene Description: A door to the outside is open next to him.
Agent: Damn it, Damn it!
Dr. Mephesto: We have to find him! He won't survive long out in the world!
Agent: Yes, and if he isn't found, we won't be able to use him for our military war-
Agent 2: Sshhhh!
Agent: Right.
Mephesto: What?
Agent 2: What?
Agent: Nothing.
Dr. Mephesto: No, what did you say? Uh, use him for what?
Agent: [shrilly] Butlutlutlutlup!
Scene Description: Mephesto just stares at him.
Agent 2: Dr. Mephesto, where could the creature have gone?
Dr. Mephesto: I have no idea!
Agent: We'll never track him down on our own. This calls for some special assistance.
Scene Description: Larry knocks at a door at 1299 Waterston St. A woman opens the door.
Woman: Can I help you?
Larry: Leslie. It's me, Larry. [she stares back, blankly] Your husband?
Leslie: Husband? You're not my husband.
Larry: Think hard, Leslie. We used to be together, for over eight years?
Woman: I seem to remember a husband, but I think he was lost and never found on Kenosha Pass.
Larry: That was me!
Leslie: [a bit stunned] Oh.
Big Man: [appears behind her] Who is it, lover?
Leslie: It's my former husband, who I had forgotten all about.
Big Man: Ooooo. [he and Larry check each other out] Well, sir, let me shake your hand. I'm proud to meet the man whose wife I'm currently sticking it to every night. [walks away]
Larry: So you... remarried.
Leslie: Yes, Lorry.
Larry: Larry!
Leslie: Uh, larry. Larry-y, you disap-peared. I waited for you to come home for over three days! I. I remember how cold and lonely the nights got. By the fourth day I knew: I had to move on.
Larry: Didn't anybody send out a search party?
Leslie: We did, Larry. We looked all afternoon. But we found nothing, no trace.
Larry: Please, Leslie, I don't know where else to go. I'm confused.
Leslie: Leslie, I'm with Buck now. [must be the big dude shown earlier]
Larry: You're Leslie.
Leslie: Right. I'm with Buck now. We have children together. [they appear] Calvin is eight, and little Buck is 13. I just can't up and leave them. I'm sorry.
Larry: I'm sorry, too. I'll leave you alone. [walks away. She closes the door, and he stops] Eight and thirteen? [wrong family?]
Scene Description: Stan's house. He and Cartman are out in the backyard. Cartman is dressed as an outback hunter.
Cartman: Well, I don't see any crocs out here.
Stan: Damnit, Cartman, you're supposed to be helping me to get ready to fight Kyle, not playing Australian outback guy!
Cartman: [walks over to a cat nearby] Or, in other words, I'll let this jagu-ar bop me in the face and see if it hurts. Come on, jagu-ar, let's see what you've got! [the cat leaps up and scratches his face] Aaah! Ow, son of a bitch!
Scene Description: He feels the two scratches on his left cheek.
Stan: You suck as a best friend, Cartman!
Cartman: You son of a bitch cat!
Stan: [walks to Larry, bathing in a tub out in the open with the garden hose, and looks at him for a while] What are you doing, Gorak!
Larry: [turns to see him] I can't live in your time. I'm freezing myself again.
Stan: Wow, that sucks, dude.
Larry: Tell me about it. I've been doing this for over three and a half hours now, and only my toes are starting to ice over.
Kyle: [rushing in with a travel guide] Steve, wait!
Stan: What are you doing here, dick?! We're not supposed to fight until 4 o'clock!
Kyle: I've got something to show Steve, dick!
Stan: Gorak is busy freezing himself again, dick!
Kyle: Steve, you don't have to freeze yourself. Look!
Larry: What is that? [drops the hose]
Kyle: It's this place called Des Moines. It's like, lost in time, see? [opens the guide to show Des Moines's assets] Everybody looks like you do. [flips the page] Fashion is two years behind, Technology is two years behind, fads, are two years behind, just like you.
Scene Description: He hands him the guide to look over.
Sorry: [closes it with affection] Home.
Kyle: Come on, Steve, you're going to Des Moines!
Stan: Oh, no you don't, glory-monger! Gorak is my responsibility. I'll take him to Des Moines!
Kyle: No you don't, butthole!
Scene Description: A helicopter is heard over the neighborhood, and Larry sees it. Dogs begin barking.
Larry: They're coming for me!
Stan: Come on! [the three run away]
Cartman: Yeah, you jagu-ars can be real mean. I'm gonna have to smack it in the face.
Scene Description: Mephesto and his agents arrive.
Dr. Mephesto: Was the ice man here?
Cartman: He might have been, by crikey.
Agent: We have to get him back. Well, can you do it?
Aussie: [!] Sure I can! I can hunt down anything!
Cartman: Wow! Kick ass!
Scene Description: South Park Train Station. People are waiting to depart, and a train is pulling in.
Stan: We need a one-way ticket to Des Moines, please.
Clerk: Des Moines? What the hell for?
Kyle: We have to get our friend, Steve-
Stan: My friend, Gorak!
Kyle: -to Des Moines, or else he's gonna melt away.
Stan: No, he's not gonna melt away! That's Frosty, you stupid butthole!
Kyle: Frosty, Steve, whatever.
Clerk: Well, okay. Uh, I'll find him a seat.
Scene Description: He sets to writing the ticket. The boys soon look at the clock on the wall.
Stan: Dude, look, it's 4 o'clock.
Kyle: Oh. We'll wait for you over there, Steve. We have to start fighting now.
Larry: Okay, boys. Thanks.
Scene Description: The boys walk off, then stop. Stan turns around.
Kyle: Okay. First one to die, loses.
Stan: 'K.
Kyle: Okay. [neither one moves]
Stan: O-okay.
Kyle: So, here we go. [puts up his fists]
Stan: 'K [puts up his fists]
Kyle: Go. [they lock fists and start fighting]
Scene Description: The woods. The Aussie leads Mephesto, Agents, Barbrady, and other cops, in a hunt. He runs across a set of tracks.
Aussie: Wait a second. [bends down, picks up some snow and sniffs at it. Cartman imitates] I think he came through here recently.
Cartman: Yeah, I think the same thing.
Agent: Well, where the hell is he? We've got to get him back to the lab.
Dr. Mephesto: He can't function out here in our time!
Aussie: [rising] Calm down, calm down.
Cartman: Yeah, calm down, calm down, you sons of bitches.
Aussie: Wait! Look!
Dr. Mephesto: Is it him?
Aussie: No! It's a Rocky Mountain rattle snake. [curled up on a stump, it hisses] This is the most poisonous snake in this entire region. [quietly] Now, what I'm gonna do, is carefully sneak up on him, and jam my thumb up his butthole. Crikey! [leaps on the snake] Oh, this snake is really pissed!! I'm gonna jam my thumb in his butthole now! [his thumb sticks high in the air, then drops] Awww, yeah, that pissed it off all right!
Dr. Mephesto: Does he always do this?
Agent: [now cross, in a low voice] Yeah.
Cartman: I'm gonna go jam my thumb in some'in's butthole now.
Scene Description: The train station. Stan and Kyle are still fighting.
Stan: [punched by Kyle] Ow!
Kyle: [punched in return] Ow! [he throws Stan down]
Stan: Watch my coat, dude.
Kyle: Oh.
Larry: [walks up] I got my ticket.
Stan: Huh? [both look at Larry]
Larry: I have to go to Platform B.
Kyle: [blinks, then] Oh. Okay, it's over this way.
Scene Description: He leads him there with Stan. Larry takes a seat on a bench, and Stan and Kyle resume fighting.
Aussie: [shows up at the ticket booth with the hunting party] The trail ends here.
Agent: The train station? Then he's trying to go somewhere.
Dr. Mephesto: [to the clerk] Have you seen a man who looks similar to us, but with a thicker brow and an apish nose?
Clerk: What the hell are you talking about?
Dr. Mephesto: An ice man, a man from the past. We must find him. Now, where is he?!
Scene Description: Platform B. Larry has gotten on the train, and the boys see him off. They get back to fighting.
Larry: Well, this is it. I'm going back to my time. Thanks again, boys.
Stan: [panting] No problem, Gorak.
Kyle: Later.
Larry: You boys have really shown me the true meaning of friendship. You didn't care about anything but my happiness. You put me in front of yourselves, and that's what real friendship is all about.
Stan: Yup.
Kyle: Uh huh.
Larry: After being frozen, I've learned that all a person has in life is family. And friends. If you lose those, you have nothing. So friends are to be treasured, more than anything in the world!
Stan: [panting] Right on.
Kyle: Cool.
Larry: Goodbye, boys. Goodbye, friends!
Scene Description: The train pulls away. The boys watch it leave, then resume fighting.
Dr. Mephesto: [rushing up] Where is he? Where is Steve?!
Scene Description: Kyle and Stan butt heads and remain eye-to-eye.
Stan: His... name... is... Gorak!
Kyle: His name... is Steve!
Agent: The train! [it passes the water tower]
Dr. Mephesto: We've got to stop it!
Aussie: No worries. [cocks his rifle and goes after Larry]
Agent: Let's get him! [the party gives chase]
Stan and Kyle: No! [they stay behind, for a moment]
Scene Description: The hunting party is now on the tracks chasing the train.
Agent: We've gotta stop that train!
Aussie: Come back here, you! [jumps onto the caboose landing]
Kyle: Steve! Steve, look out!
Stan: They're after you!
Scene Description: Larry looks out his window.
Aussie: Oh, he's a wily one!
Scene Description: He looks over the railing and sees Larry, then shows him his thumb and smiles.
Larry: Oh, poo!
Kyle: Steve, look out!
Scene Description: Mephesto and the Agents have reached the engine.
Aussie: [meeting Larry in his car] Notice the dilated pupils of this prehistoric man. A sure sign the prey is frightened. As well as he should be, as I will now jam my thumb up his butthole.
Larry: Huh? [the Aussie pounces on him] Whah?!
Agent: [reaches for the conductor's door] Stop the train!
Conductor: Hey, who are you?
Agent: I said, stop that train!
Conductor: Yes, hello. I see you.
Cartman: They're all movin' pretty fast, but I'll catch up to 'em, by crikey.
Scene Description: Atop the train, Larry and the Aussie wrestle.
Larry: [pins the Aussie] I've got you pinned. I win.
Aussie: [reverses the pin] Now I've got you pinned. I win!
Scene Description: On the tracks, Stan and Kyle try to keep up.
Conductor: [ducking gunshots from the Agent] Whoa!
Agent: [a helicopter comes into view and descends] Hey, it's okay! The helicopter is here! [into a communicator] Go get him, boys! [the pilot acknowledges] Cut him off!
Larry: [pinned on his stomach, his butt in the air] Nooo!
Aussie: Now for the coup de gras. I'll just... get my... thumb up... here.
Larry: [lets out a long, painful] Oohh!
Scene Description: The helicopter lands in front of the train, but the train rolls on.
Pilot: Aah, the train's not stopping. [it gets closer...] It's not stopping! [...and closer...] AAAAAAAA!
Scene Description: Impact, but the train's the one that gets ruined.
Aussie: [thrown towards the helicopter] Holy bum-!
Scene Description: The blades chop him up.
Stan: [catching up] Where's Gorak??
Pilot: [steps off the chopper] Wow, that is the God-damnedest thing I've ever seen.
Agent: Where's the ice man?!
Dr. Mephesto: He has to be around here somewhere.
Scene Description: Larry comes up behind the pilot and takes off in the helicopter.
Kyle: I can't believe he's gone.
Stan: [turns around] Wait, look! The helicopter!
Scene Description: They reach Mephesto and company.
Kyle: Hey!
Stan: He's alive!
Larry: [on the bullhorn] Good-bye again! I'm off to Des Moines!
Dr. Mephesto: No! Come back! You can't get out! You'll never live!
Larry: I'm not living here! Living is having ups and downs and sharing them with friends! [Stan and Kyle look at each other] Thank you, Stan and Kyle! See ya!
Scene Description: He flies off towards the mountains.
Agent: [leaving with his colleagues] Damn! Well, so much for our plan to use the ice man to take over Sweden.
Dr. Mephesto: [following] What?!
Agent: What? Nothing!
Stan: Kyle, Steve was a... pretty good name for that guy.
Kyle: No- Dude, Gorak is cool because it's original. And besides, you found him.
Cartman: [still hunting] Be very very quiet. I'm hunting crocodiles, hahahahahaha.
Stan: [walks off with Kyle] Could we be best friends again? [Cartman stops] I hate having Cartman as a best friend.
Kyle: Me too. He sucks.
Cartman: Oh yeah?! Well I don't need you guys anyways! You guys can kiss my- [turns left and goes Aussie] Aha! There's a king croc right there! [a cow grazing on a tiny patch of grass. Cartman sneaks up] And what I'm gonna do, is I'm gonna sneak up on it, and jam my thumb in its-
Cow: Moo!
Scene Description: The cow sits on Cartman, forcing his gun to the ground, then stands up with Cartman stuck up its ass.
Cartman: Ey! Ey, get me out of here! God-damnit! Ugh. Smells like Kenny's house in here.
Scene Description: [End of Prehistoric Ice Man. "Stinky Britches" once again: Stinkin' britches, you've got stinky britches Stinkin' britches, you've got stinky britches You've got stinky britches]