Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The school bell rings. Some fourth graders chat in the hall as Wendy passes by: Clyde talking to Kenny and Kyle.
Clyde: Yeah, and it was called Man from Atlantis, and he had like, webbed fingers... [Stan rushes up to them and grabs Kyle by the coat]
Stan: Kyle, Kenny! I have to talk to you right now!
Kyle: Okay, hang on a second I-
Stan: [pulls Kyle away] Right now, goddamnit!
Kyle: All right, all right! [Stan pulls him further away until there's no one around them] Dude, what is the matter with you?
Stan: [the look of fear is strong on his face] Trent Boyett is being released from Juvenile Hall. [the boys are suddenly afraid]
Kenny: (WHAT??!!!?)
Kyle: Trent Boyett?! The kid from preschool?!
Stan: Yeah! He just got paroled!
Kyle: Oh, no! No!
Cartman: Hey gay-butts, what's goin' on?
Kyle: Trent Boyett is being released from Juvenile Hall.
Cartman: Really? That's cool. When did- [realizes what Kyle has just said and stops completely in place] What did you say? [rushes up to Kyle] Trent Boyett?! Meanest, dirtiest, toughest kid in the world, super-pissed off at us, Trent Boyett?!
Kyle: Yeah.
Cartman: Oh, Holy Jesus, God...
Stan: What the hell are we gonna do??
Butters: [runs up to the boys] Is it true?! Trent Boyett is getting out?!
Cartman: It's true.
Butters: Oh Jesus, Oh Christ in Heaven, I gotta hide! [rushes off to do that, past the other kids in the hall to the front door...] Uh, oh boy! [bursts through the front doors and runs away babbling]
Cartman: He's gonna come for us, you guys. We are dead men.
Kyle: Look, maybe he's forgiven us. I mean, we were only in preschool.
Scene Description: Flashback to preschool days. It's playtime, and the kids are busy doing things, sliding and such.
Stan: Dude, let's play Fireman.
Kyle: Totally, dude, let's play Fireman.
Cartman: Jews can't be firemen.
Kyle: Shut up, fat ass!
Cartman: Don't call me fat, you stupid Jew!
Kenny: (How about we put a real fire out?)
Stan: Hey, Kenny's right. We should put out a real fire. Then we'll be heroes!
Cartman: But how do we start a fire?
Kyle: Trent Boyett will do it. He's the toughest, baddest kid in preschool! [a shot of Trent beating up another kid with a play hammer. He delivers two blows]
Trent: Say Uncle!
Boy: Uncle!
Trent: [two more blows] Say Uncle!!!!!!
Boy: Uncle! [satisfied, Trent lets the boy go, and Stan and the others advance to him]
Trent: [turns around] What do you shitheads want?!
Kyle: Do you know how to start a fire?
Trent: Sure! I burn lots stuff.
Stan: Start one. Then we're gonna put it out.
Kyle: We're firemen!
Trent: Do you dickheads even know how to put out a fire?
Stan: Yeah, yeah. We play Fireman all the time.
Cartman: Don't worry, Trent.
Trent: All right, fine. [walks back to the table, grabs a sheet of paper, crumples it up, and lays it down on the floor. He sets it on fire]
Butters: [approaches] Hey fellas, you'd better be careful.
Cartman: Shut up, Butters! We know what we're doing!
Butters: Oh, all right then. [turns around and walks off. The sheet catches fire]
Stan: Wow, cool!
Kyle: Code 7! Bring in the firemen!
Stan: [walks up to the crumples sheet] Woo, woo, woo, woo. Clang, clang, clang, clang, clang! [drops his pants and begins pissing on the paper] Come on, firemen! Put out the fire! [the other boys come and imitate the fire truck noises while pissing on the paper. Trent looks on.]
Stan: We're heroes!
Kyle: [smiles] We saved the school!
Trent: [sees that the fire is spreading] Put it out!
Ms. Claridge: [a female, notices the fire and arrives] Trent Boyett, what have you done now?!
Trent: They said they could put it out!
Ms. Claridge: Children, get back away, now! [shoos the boys away, then tries to smother the fire out with a blanket. The blanket catches fire, and so does she.] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!! [runs from the blanket, then twirls in her own flames as the alarm goes off] I'M BUUURNIIIING!!!
Stan: Put it out, put it out! [Cartman runs up to their teacher and starts pissing on her. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny follow suit]
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, moments later, still in the flashback. The teacher is being put in an ambulance.
Paramedic: Come on, hurry! We've gotta get her to the hospital! [the paramedics hop into the ambulance and drive off, siren blaring]
Stan: Dude, we are in so much trouble!
Kyle: My mom is gonna break my legs!
Cartman: Hey, we didn't start the fire, Trent Boyett did.
Stan: That's true.
Officer: You boys! Trent is trying to tell us the fire was your idea.
Stan: No!
Kyle: Not us. We're good kids.
Trent: Tell them it was an accident: you thought you could put it out.
Cartman: Trent Boyett is a liar, sir.
Officer: I thought so. All right, that's it, Trent. You're going to Juvenile Hall for a long time!
Trent: [pleading as he passes Butters] Butters, you saw! Tell them what happened!
Butters: U-Ah, gee-whiz, Trent. Ah, I don't wanna get involved. Or else my parents will ground me.
Trent: You'd better pray I never get out of Juvenile Hall! You'd better all pray! [the officer wrestles him into the patrol car and closes the door]
Kyle: Dude, when he gets out of Juvenile Hall, he's gonna wanna kill us!
Cartman: Whatever. That's like five years from now.
Stan: Yeah, who cares?
The boys: [cheering] All right, yeah, woohoo, we did it!
Scene Description: The flashback ends and the boys are shown in the hall again.
Stan: Now it's five years later. And Trent Boyett is being released.
Cartman: Oh Jesus, he's gonna kill us. We-we've gotta tell our parents!
Kyle: We can't tell our parents, dude! We lied to everybody! Nobody knows we're responsible for Ms. Claridge's accident!
Stan: Shhh, here comes Ms. Claridge now. [a soft noise is heard, and in rolls a futuristic wheelchair, encasing Ms. Claridge]
The boys: Hello, Ms. Claridge. [she turns to face them]
Stan: [nervously] Are you having a nice day, Ms. Claridge? [a yellow button on the machine lights up and beeps. She turns left and rolls away]
Cartman: You guys, what the fuck are we gonna do?! In case you've forgotten, Trent Boyett is the meanest kid we ever knew. He's gonna tear us apart!
Kyle: Look, that was a long time ago. Maybe Trent Boyett has forgotten all about it.
Scene Description: Juvenile Hall, outside, day, out in the desert. The sky looks smoggy.
Scene Description: Juvenile Hall, inside. The gates in the hall roll back and a mean Trent walks forward. On his right shoulder is written "Vengeance is Mine, sayeth the Lord." Above the writing is a cross. On his left shoulder is a skull surrounded by the words "Never Forget." He approaches the check-out desk.
Warden: [holds up a manila envelope] Everything that you had when you were first brought in here will now be returned. [slices the envelope open and the goods pour out. He then gives each good to Trent after mentioning it] One Crayola eight-pack with crayon sharpener. One pair of plastic round-tipped scissors. One marble, blue. And one [snaps the blade open] switch-blade knife with "Kill all betrayers" written on the blade, black. [snaps the blade closed again and hands it to Trent. Trent makes his way past the desk and heads for the exit.] Trent! Where are you gonna do? [Trent stops]
Trent: I gots some business to take care of. [leaves]
Scene Description: Butters' house, day. In his darkened room, Butters trembles in fear on the floor next to his bookcase. A knock is heard at his door.
Butters: Hah! [the door opens and his parents enter.]
Stephen: Butters? [a view of the room from their position doesn't show Butters anywhere. Butters peeks out from behind the bookcase]
Butters: Hwell. Oh, uh, hi Dad.
Stephen: Butters, what is wrong with you??
Butters: Nothins' wrong, sir. Eh, nothin' at all.
Linda: You've been shut up in your room for days, Butters. You need to go outside, go play.
Butters: Uh... outside? No way! [hides again]
Linda: Why not?
Butters: [pops up] N-no reason! [hides again]
Stephen: Butters, we have had it with your moping around! You're gonna go outside and you're gonna play, right now!
Butters: But Dad, I just wanna stay in my room-
Scene Description: Butters' house, front porch. He's kicked out of the house and the door shuts closed on him. He fiddles his fingers around nervously.
Stephen: Butters, play! [Butters is frozen by something he sees across the street] Start playing right now, young man! [Butters begins to move around, and his father leaves the window. Butters does the Hokey Pokey, but notices the street again and freezes. Across the street, Trent looks right at him]
Butters: Tru... Tr-Trent Boyett! Haaaa! [grabs the door handle and tries to go inside again, only to find it locked. He pounds on the door] Dad! Mom! I'm don- I'm done playin' now! [Trent marches across the street and approaches Butters.] Aaaaah! Let me in, Dad! [Butters pounds on the door again] Mom, Dad, you gotta open the door! [Inside, on the sofa, Chris reads the newspaper, Linda reads a book]
Linda: What on earth is the matter with him?
Stephen: Just keep the door locked, honey. Butters can't be a house hermit his whole life.
Butters: Oh my God, he's coming! Oh hamburgers he's gonna kill me!
Linda: I just can't stand to hear him scream like that. I'm gonna go upstairs. [rises from the sofa and heads upstairs]
Butters: Mom, Dad, you gotta open the door right now! You've gotta open it- [stops and turns around. He's face to face with Trent. Butters begins talking nervously] Oh, hey! Trent Boyett Gosh I... haven't seen you in a while.
Trent: [beat] Five years. It's been five long, miserable years.
Butters: Look, Trent, I know- I know you're awful sore about... pre- muh- pr-preschool and all, but... well that was a long time ago. I mean, we were just kids. [Trent is unmoved] Uhhh... p-lease don't hurt me, Trent. I-I'll give you anything you want. You name it!
Trent: Can you give me back my time?! Huh?! Can you do that?! Kindergarten, first grade, second?! Can you give me that?!
Butters: Well, no, Trent, I-I'm not like a time-traveler or nothin'.
Trent: I'm gonna give you something you didn't give me: a five-second head-start.
Butters: No, Trent, I-I ain't gonna run. We can talk this through.
Trent: Four seconds!
Butters: Uh, Trent, now, listen to me. I'm sorry for the color-
Trent: Three seconds!
Butters: Ohhh hamburgers! [runs away]
Scene Description: Hell's Pass hospital, day. Butters wasn't fast enough. In a recovery room, his parents stand at his bedside.
Linda: Thanks so much for coming to visit Butters in the hospital, boys. It means a lot to him. [the boys just stand there with their jaws dropped, awed at what they see before them. Dr. Doctor comes in with a clipboard]
Stephen: What happened to him, Doctor?
Dr. Doctor: From the test results, it would appear your child was tortured by a bully. He received a massive snuggie, his underwear pulled up so high it nearly killed him. He also received two Indian sunburns on his forearms, a charlie horse on the thigh, and a second-degree titty twister. And from the damage to his head area, it appears he was also given a swirly, a colossal one. [the boys are more frightened after hearing this] It also looks like he received a noogie, and, a Polish bike ride.
Linda: What's that?
Dr. Doctor: We aren't sure. We only know that... there is no cure.
Linda: If only we had let him in! [faces Stephen] Why didn't we let him inside the house when he was screaming for help?? [begins to sob]
Stephen: Now, honey, we were trying to read. [the boys walk over to an adjacent room]
Cartman: We've got to tell them who did this, you guys. We're gonna get it as bad as Butters!
Kyle: That's nothing compared to what my mom will do to me if she finds out I've been lying for five years!
Cartman: Maybe you didn't hear so good in there, Kyle! Second-degree titty-twister!
Stan: Calm down guys, we don't have to go tell our parents. We just need to go out and get some protection.
Cartman: [now yelling] How the hell are condoms gonna help us?! [the adults in the recovery room look at Cartman] Sorry, heh. Never mind, hehe. [the adults turn their attention back to Butters]
Stan: I'm talking about hiring somebody bigger than Trent to protect us from him. Come on! [the boys run off]
Scene Description: A riverbed. There's graffiti along the banks and sixth graders ride their bikes all around the riverbed.
Sixth grader 1: I'm gonna jump the wall of fire. [makes motorcycle noises and jumps a low ramp and a small fire, landing safely] Yeah, that was sweet!
Sixth grade leader: Hey, look! [before him, Stan and friend approach]
Kyle: Dude, we shouldn't be here!
Stan: Stay cool, guys. If anybody can protect us from Trent Boyett, it's the sixth graders.
Sixth grade leader: Stupid little Fourthies! [leads the other sixth-grade boys towards the fourth-graders and circles them, then stops in front of them] What are you little Fourthies doin' in our hangout?!
Stan: We've come to... ask you for help.
Sixth grade leader: Help?! [he and the other sixth graders laugh heartily]
Kyle: We need you to protect us... from a bully.
Sixth grade leader: Yeah? And what do we get for it? [Stan nudges Cartman forward]
Cartman: [pulls each item from his backpack and presents it as he mentions it] A twelve-pack of Dr. Pepper, A Shoots & Ladders game used only three times, DVD of Harry Potter 2, and a coupon for a free side of fries with a purchase of any deluxe hamburger at Red Robin. [places it at the top of the small tower he's built] All this can be yours. [the Sixth Grade Leader steps off his bike, approaches Cartman, and throws the tower aside]
Sixth grade leader: You're gonna have to do better than that, Fourthies!
Kyle: Well... [the fourth-graders take a step back] Well, what do you want?
Sixth grade leader: You're Stan Marsh, right?
Stan: Yeah.
Sixth graders: OOOOOoooOoOooo! [Stan develops a worried face]
Sixth grade leader: We want a picture of your mom's boobs! [cups his hands over his chest]
Sixth graders: Yeah. Awesome.
Stan: What?!
Sixth grader 2: Your mom has the sweetest bewbs ever.
Sixth grader 3: Yeah! I totally wanna suck your mom's tits.
Stan: Dude, weak!
Sixth grade leader: Come back with a naked picture of your mom!
Stan: [after some thought] No!
Sixth grade leader: Then we aren't helpin' you!
Kyle: Wait! We'll do it.
Sixth grade leader: It'd have to be a good picture, too! [the sixth-graders make motorcycle noises and ride off. This sixth grader does a wheelie] So long, Fourthies!
Cartman: Okay, so now we just need to get a picture of Stan's mom naked. Cool.
Scene Description: Trent makes makeshift barbells out of rods and solid disks and begins pumping iron.
Scene Description: South Park, Main Street. A couple and Ms. Claridge pass each other.
Woman 1: That's the preschool teacher, Ms. Claridge. Poor woman suffered such horrible burns she can only communicate by... beeping once for yes and twice for no. [Ms. Claridge stops at a corner waiting to cross the street. Another couple approaches her and flanks her on either side]
Woman 2: Oh hello, Ms. Claridge. Nice day, isn't it? [Ms. Claridge's machine blinks once, so yes]
Man 2: Need help across the street, Ms. Claridge? [Ms. Claridge's machine blinks two, so no] Well all right then. [the light turns green and the couple crosses the street. Ms. Claridge does as well, but it's slow going for her. Her wheelchair slows down and her power indicator drops to zero. She stuck in the middle of the street in the crosswalk]
Man 3: [walks over to help her] Ms. Claridge, you all right? [silence, as there's no power for her light to blink] You can talk to me, Ms. Claridge. I understand: one beep for yes and two for no. Don't you think you should get out of the street? [again, no response] Look you, you don't have to be so cold. I'm just trying to help. [no response. The man gets annoyed] Oooo, sorry! [the man walks on to the other side of the street, quite annoyed at Ms. Claridge. Cross traffic begins, and the cars beep at Ms. Claridge to move out of the way. She's stuck]
Scene Description: A doorbell rings. Mrs. Broflovski approaches and opens the door. Trent faces her with his knife in hand.
Trent: Can Kyle come out and play?
Sheila: Oh, Kyle isn't home right now, hon.
Trent: Thank you, ma'am. [turns and walks away]
Scene Description: Stan's house. Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny sit at the dining table. Cartman is dressed as a woman.
Stan: You see, Mom, all the kids at school were told to bring a picture of their moms' breasts for anatomy class.
Cartman: I don't know, son. That sounds awfully strange. [crosses his arms] You cannot have a picture of my hot breasts.
Stan: But mom, my teacher will-
Cartman: Nononono, you gotta go [softly, sweetly] "But Mo-o-o-om."
Stan: [normal] But Mo-o-o-
Cartman: [with more feeling] "But Mo-o-o-om."
Stan: This is hopeless!
Kyle: Why don't you just sneak in your mom's closet and get a picture when she's changing clothes?
Stan: That's sick, dude! I'm not taking a picture of my mom's boobs!
Kenny: [volunteers] (I'll do it!)
Stan: No, you're not doing it either! We just need to find something that looks like boobs to take a picture of.
Kyle: What else has big round squishy globes? [they look at Cartman, who looks up into space]
Scene Description: Living room, moments later. Cartman stands on a stool and squats down. Kyle has a set of instructions and Stan has a marker. Kenny stands as a witness.
Cartman: Draw the um- You guys draw the nipples like on the bottom of my ass cheeks.
Kyle: [checks the book] No, the nipples are more in the middle, see? [holds the book out for the others to see.]
Cartman: Yeah, but Stan's mom is old; that means her nipples... sag more to the bottom now.
Stan: How do you know?!
Cartman: Will you guys trust me? I know this stuff!
Stan: All right, fine. [draws some nipples on Cartman's ass, checking the book to be sure. He then steps back]
Kyle: Oh wait! We forgot the necklace.
Kenny: (Oh yeah!) [walks up and puts a necklace above the new nipples, then steps back. Stan frames the image with his hands, then has Kyle step into his spot to take a couple of pictures.]
Kyle: [lowers the camera] God, I hope this works.
Scene Description: The ravine, day. The sixth graders are there again, riding up and down the concrete slopes. Stan and his friends approach.
Stan: Excuse me!
Sixth grade leader: What do you want now?!
Stan: [steps forward] We, we got it. [pulls out the photo. The sixth graders ride up to the boys]
Sixth grader 4: You got a picture of your mom's bewbs?
Sixth grader 5: No way!
Sixth grader 2: [walks up and takes the photo, then walks back to the group, looking at it] Hey, hold on a second! [the boys are scared] These are like the hottest tits I've ever seen!
Sixth grader 8: Whoa!
Sixth grader 4: Check them out!
Sixth grade leader: [walks up and grabs is from #6] Give me that! [looks] Whoa! I knew she had a hot rack!
Sixth graders: Yeah. Sure does. Uh-huh! Uh-huh!
Sixth grader 3: Oh yeah, those are so hot. [fondles his groin] Oooohhh
Kyle: [the boys look at each other] Okay, so now you'll help us take care of Trent Boyett?
Sixth grade leader: [someone else has the picture now] Oh all right, we'll let this Trent Boyett know that if he messes with you, he's messin' with us!
Cartman: All right!
Kenny: (Woohoo!)
Cartman: You guys, we're free! We haven't a care in the world!
Kenny: (All right!)
Sixth grader 9: I need three minutes alone with the picture behind the bushes.
Sixth grader 2: I get to take the picture behind the bushes after you.
Sixth grade leader: [grabs the picture] I'm takin' it to the bushes first! [the others follow]
Stan: Dude, are we gonna be like that someday?
Kyle: [after some thought] Naw.
Scene Description: The intersection. Ms. Claridge is still there. The boys exit an ice cream parlor with ice cream cones and walk down the street.
Kyle: Man, I would have loved to seen to seen the look on Trent Boyett's face when all the sixth graders showed up!
Cartman: Yeah. Trent's just lucky he didn't mess with us. I woulda kicked his ass.
Stan: Hey, look. What is Ms. Claridge doing? [she's still in the crosswalk] Ms. Claridge?
Man 4: [stops and walks up to the boys] She won't talk to anybody, boys. Some say... she's just given up hope. [walks on. The boys move on as well and round a corner]
Cartman: Hey guys, you know what we should do? We should go get a- [drops his cone in fright] Huh?! [before them is a pile of mangled bikes]
Scene Description: Hell's Pass Hospital, later. The boys enter the emergency room and see it full of cots. The sixth graders are there, some injured more than others. The emergency room personnel have their hands full.
Dr. Doctor: Jesus Christ, I've never seen so many Indian sunburns and titty twisters in my life! [sees a nurse and motions to her] Get a cold towel on that pink belly!
Nurse 1: Doctor, we have another snuggie here!
Dr. Doctor: Over there! [points to a clear area, then goes to another cot on which a sixth grader grabs his left ear in pain. A nurse is there as well] Another wet willie?
Nurse 2: Worst one yet.
Sixth grader: It's all slimy and spitty! [becomes incomprehensible and cries out in pain]
Dr. Doctor: Give the poor kid some morphine. [the nurse reaches for a syringe and does as told. The boys approach the cot on which the leader of the sixth graders lies]
Stan: Dude, what happened?
Sixth grade leader: We... told him not to mess with you guys... We told him... you paid us.
Kyle: Oh, Jesus. You told him that?! [the leader suffers a cramp and groans]
Dr. Doctor: Boys, you have to let him rest. Some mean kid gave him a Texas Chili Bowl.
Stan: What's that?
Dr. Doctor: It involves Tabasco sauce, a telephone, and the anus. [the boys are flabbergasted] I don't know what kind of kid would do this to other people; I only know that I wouldn't ever want to be on that kid's bad side. [walks away. The boys leave the hospital]
Scene Description: Hell's Pass Hospital, outside.
Stan: We're dead. Trent knows we sent the sixth-graders after him.
Cartman: He's gonna give us all Texas chili bowls. [breathes a silent sigh]
Kyle: We've gotta move away. We've gotta get as far away from this town as possible!
Stan: No, no, we've just gotta find better help.
Kyle: From who? We can't ask adults for help and there's nobody tougher than sixth graders.
Stan: [looks down] There is... one person.
Scene Description: Stan's house, living room. Shelly is watching TV with a bowl of soup on her lap. Stan and friends enter and approach.
Stan: Shelly?
Shelly: Shut up, turd! I'm watching television!
Stan: Shelly, you're my sister, right? And families... depend on each other.
Shelly: I said shut up, or I will destroy you, tur-r-rd!
Stan: Shelly [hesitates, begins to tear up] Somebody is going to kill me, and I can't go to Mom or Dad for help, so, you're kind of the only person I have... left. [begins to cry. Shelly notices, puts her bowl aside, hops off the sofa, and walks up to Stan]
Shelly: [in Stan's face] Stop crying, turd! Now, who's gonna kill you?
Stan: Trent Boyett. He just got released from Juvenile Hall. He was sent there for burning Ms. Claridge, but actually, it was our fault.
Shelly: Oh, you are such stupid turds.
Stan: We were only four years old at the time, uh. We du-we didn't think about the past coming back to haunt us then. We didn't think and now he's gonna kill us!
Shelly: Calm down, turd! No Juvenile Hall turd is going to kill you. That's my job.
Kyle: So you're gonna help us?
Shelly: Yes, but I'm gonna want something in return.
Cartman: A picture of your mom's boobs?
Shelly: Shut up, turd! [all four of the boys stand back in fear] You're going to admit to Ms. Claridge what you did!
Stan: Admit it was our fault?
Shelly: You can't run from your past, turds. Apologize and make amends. Then I'll protect you from this Trent turd. [the boys aren't so sure apologizing will do any good]
Scene Description: The intersection. Ms. Claridge is still there. No one has moved her. Cars move past her, honking at her, and two men and a woman approach the corner facing her.
Man 5: Ms. Claridge, the people in town are really worried about you. [no reply]
Woman 3: Look, if you're having some kind of problem, you have to be able to talk to people. [no reply]
Man 6: Just tell us this: do you trust that we want what's best for you, yes or no? [no reply]
Man 5: All right, fine! But someday you're gonna have to learn to let people in! [the three walk away] Bitch. [Stan and his friends approach the corner and walk up to Ms. Claridge.]
Stan: Hi, Ms. Claridge. Uh, we have s-something to tell you. [no reply]
Kyle: The thing is, Ms. Claridge, we did a lot of stupid things when we were kids.
Cartman: A lot of stupid things that we regret.
Kenny: (And it's time for us to come clean.) [no reply]
Stan: See, Ms. Claridge, when we were little, we used to play with our wieners a lot, and one game we played was "Fireman."
Trent: [appearing behind them] I've been lookin' for you! [the boys turn and jump upon seeing him. Kenny tightens his hood.] Five years I've been waitin' for this day.
Cartman: Aaaaaaaah!
Stan: Trent, look, we've realized our mistake! [Trent advances, the boys back up]
Cartman: Yes, our conscience got the best of us and, and we were just about to tell everyone the truth. [the boys hide behind Ms. Claridge's wheelchair, Trent goes around the other side and faces them behind the chair]
Trent: You had five years to do that. And while I wasted away my time in prison you've been enjoying nice, normal lives!
Kyle: Our lives have not been enjoyable, Trent! I promise you! [the boys back up some more, away from the intersection]
Trent: Don't tell me that! I heard about the things you've done! But there were no magical Christmas adventures or talking poo for me! I DIDN'T GET TO FIGHT A HUGE MECHANIC BARBRA STREISAND!! NO ACCIDENTAL TRIPS TO AFGANISTAN FOR TRENT BOYETT!! [advances. Cartman pulls out a taser gun as the other boys fall in behind him]
Cartman: Stay away from us, Trent!
Stan: What is that?
Cartman: It's my mom's taser. I took it from her purse. [steps forward] Just back off, man!
Trent: Look, just take your punishment! You deserve it! Let me have my retribution and it can be over with.
Cartman: I am not going to have a titty twister! I hate titty twisters!
Trent: You don't even know how to use that! [advances on Cartman, who fires the taser but misses.]
Scene Description: The taser tips hit Ms. Claridge's wheelchair and begin charging her battery up. Excess power causes the wheelchair to spin twice around and go off to the corner she was facing. She hits Little Gas Shack and blows up three propane tanks just outside the store. Those tanks in turn blow up the store. Ms. Claridge catches fire and spins around a few more times. Her button blinks twice for no and she crosses back across the street, crashing into a Pets-U-Luv store. A bunch of cats attack her and she pulls back out of the store. She spins again a few more times and a policeman pulls up in his cruiser. Ms. Claridge rolls down the street and shears off a fire hydrant. She gets stuck atop the pipe and water shoots up and engulfs her. Moments later the ambulance pulls up and the paramedics prepare to put Ms. Claridge into the cargo area of the vehicle.
Officer 2: So, Trent, you just had to finish off your old preschool teacher, eh?
Trent: No! They did it! [silence for a few seconds]
Cartman: Trent Boyett is a liar, sir.
Officer 2: Ms. Claridge, did Trent Boyett do this to you? [two beeps, so no] Yes, yes. Take him away!
Trent: [a blond officer arrests him] No! You've gotta listen to me! [nope. He's hauled away and the gathered crowd disperses]
Kyle: Dude, when he gets out he's gonna be really mad!
Cartman: Whatever, that's like five years from now.
Stan: Yeah, who cares?
The boys: Yeah, woohoo!
Cartman: We did it! [walks over to the side of the cruiser Trent is sitting in] So long, Trent! Have a nice time! [Trent grits his teeth in anger as Cartman dances] Nyanyanyanyanyaaanyaaa! [turns around and lowers his pants, then shakes his bare at him] Hahahahahaaahaaa! [he forgot to remove the nipple markings from it. Trent grows livid. The six-graders arrive and notice Cartman's buttcheeks.]
Sixth grader 2: Hey, hold on a second!
Cartman: Uh oh.
Sixth grader 2: Bewbs!
Sixth grader 1: Omigod!
Sixth graders: Boobs!
Sixth grader 1: [as the others argue over them and carry Cartman away] I'm taking them to the bushes!
Sixth grader 2: I'm taking them to the bushes first!
Cartman: Hah! Hey!


Scene Description: An announcer introduces the news over some action-type music.
Announcer: This is closed-circuit television for South Park Elementary School. And now, Super School News. The news made for students, by students.
Jimmy: Welcome to S-super School News. I'm Jimmy Valmer.
Cartman: And I'm Rick Cartman.
Jimmy: The price of milk money will go up next Monday to 49 cents. The school claims the added money is due to the cow shortage in South Park County.
Cartman: Parent-teacher conferences will be held this Wednesday night, from seven to nine. So kids, get a lot of playing in before you get grounded. And now, for a look at what's on the menu for school lunch today, here's Stan Marsh.
Scene Description: Reporting from the cafeteria, Stan.
Stan: Eric, it looks as though the school will be serving a chicken cutlet. Now, that's traditionally a uh-a white meat chicken... breast, if you will, that has been breaded, and then cooked. I've been told there will also be tater-tots and a vegetable dish. This is really shaping up to be a ah-ah one fantastic lunch. Eric?
Cartman: [serious pose] ...Hard-hitting reporting, Stan. Thanks a lot. And now, here with the celebrity watch is Butters Stotch. Butters, seen any celebrities?
Scene Description: Reporting from the sidewalk in front of the school, Butters.
Butters: Nu-noo, not yet. I've been standin' out in front of the school for about ...two hours now and ah, and I haven't seen any celebrities. Uh, about thirty minutes ago I thought I saw Sigourney Weaver, but ih-ih-turn- it turns out it was a dead horse.
Cartman: All right, Butters, keep your eyes open.
Butters: [over a speaker] Will do.
Jimmy: More snow for South P... P-P-Park. Here's Token Black with the weather.
Token: [in front of a weather map] Jimmy and Eric, it looks like a massive snow storm is headed South Park's way. I asked my dad last night and he said that he heard the snow storm is expected on Tuesday. Guys?
Cartman: Kyle Broflovski now joins us for a look at sports. And Kyle, the girls' basketball team just can't get it right.
Kyle: [at a small desk, for Sports] Another devastating loss for the Cows last night, Eric. They were ahead in the game until Kelly Anderson started crying because she missed her daddy, who's on a business trip in Thailand. Uh, Kelly was so upset she couldn't play, and the Cows had to forfeit.
Cartman: Cows are on a six and O slide since Kelly's father left for that business trip.
Jimmy: And that's all for Super School News. Enjoy your day at South Park Eh-Eh-Eh-Eh- [lilts] Ehehehehe [normal] El-Elementary.
Stan: [returning from the kitchen to serve as cameraman] And we're... cut! [turns off the camera]
Cartman: All right, nice reporting, guys. Nice. [the reporters gather in studio]
Butters: Boy, that was a great episode!
Stan: Yeah, I think that was one of our best shows yet.
Mr. Meryl: [enters the studio] Boys, I'm afraid I have some bad news. The school has to cancel your show.
Kyle: What?!
Jimmy: For God's sake,why Mr. M-M-Meryl?!
Mr. Meryl: Well, the students just aren't watching ya. Your rating was only a four this whole week.
Cartman: How many students is that?
Mr. Meryl: Four. [holds up four fingers] Four students watch your show. And meanwhile, Craig's show is getting a 57!
Stan: ...Craig's show??
Cartman: What is that butthole doing now?!
Mr. Meryl: Oh, it's brilliant! It's all just video footage of animals close-up with a wide angle lens. [pops a VHS tape into the player and the video starts]
Craig: [on tape, as the name of the show is displayed] Animals Close-Up With A Wide Angle Lens. [the video goes on to show close-ups of dogs and cats.]
Stan: But that's... that's crap! That's not even TV!
Mr. Meryl: It's what the students want, and it's cheaper to make than your show. Just one person and a video camera. Craig is a genius. Uh-sorry, kids. [walks between and past them]
Jimmy: [stopping Mr. Meryl] But, Mr. Meryl, we're trying to bring the news to the students. They need to know the facts, and our news team delivers them, very much.
Mr. Meryl: Kids don't care about the news, boys. It's boring. Kids wanna see animals, close-up, with a wide angle lens!
Cartman: Please, Mr. Meryl, but, the news is our life. Without it, we have nothing.
Mr. Meryl: I'm sorry, kids. Y-y-you should be proud of what you've done. It's just that it's kind of gay. [walks off]
Cartman: ...You're gay!
Scene Description: Whistlin' Willy's Pizza Gulch, day. The boys are seated for lunch: Jimmy, Butters, Cartman, Stan, Kyle, and Token. Other kids are there as well.
Butters: [his head resting on his right hand] Gee whiz. We sure worked hard on that new show.
Stan: Apparently it doesn't matter how hard you work.
Whistlin' Willy: [approaches the table] Hello boys, ready to do some whistlin'? [begins to whistle]
Cartman: Fuck off, Whistlin' Willy. We're not in the mood.
Whistlin' Willy: [enthusiastically] If you want a pizza, you've gotta whistle. [whistles] Come on! [whistles some more, then stops. The boys whistle back, but slowly and flatly] There you go! [sets the pizza down on the table and leaves]
Cartman: [softly] God, I wish we had a Pizza Hut in South Park.
Stan: [look at Cartman, but notices someone else] Hey, look, Craig just walked in. [Craig enters to cheers from the other kids in the restaurant and waves back to them. Several kids take pictures of Craig]
Bradley: Yeah!
Kid 1: Hey look, it's Craig!
Kevin: Hey, Craig, over here!
Kyle: Geez, all that from a stupid video show.
Craig: [sees the other boys and addresses them] Oh hey guys. Heard about your news show being cancelled.
Cartman: Go play with yourself, Craig.
Craig: Yeah, well, I've got an overall deal with the school, heh. They're paying me six dollars a week to come up with new shows.
Stan: Your idea took about this much thought, Craig! [holds up a fist with thumb and index finger just a centimeter apart]
Craig: [throws the gesture back at Stan] This much more than you had!
Scene Description: Craig walks off with his fans. They head to Willy's VIP Lounge, which is just a large corner booth. A waiter guards access to the lounge and Craig approaches.
Craig: Hey, a round of root beers for everyone! On me! [the other kids cheer and the waiter opens the lounge. The kids pour into place, including Kenny.]
Kenny: (Woohoo!)
Cartman: [catches up to Kenny] Kenny, what the hell are you doing with this asshole?!
Kenny: (Craig just asked me to do his show, geez.)
Cartman: You're helping Craig make his show?! I can't believe you would betray us like that! We've always been supercool to you! [Kenny flashes back to Cartman gloating about their news show]  "Hahahahahaaahaaa! We're gonna do a news show, and you can't do it with us, because you are too poo-oor, and poor people don't watch the new-oos! Nyanyanyanyanyaaanyaaa!" [Kenny gets annoyed] [The flashback ends, which the upset Kenny crosses his arms] ...Ah whatever, Kenny! [walks away]
Craig: Hey gang, I brought the new episode of wide angle, close-up animals. [the kids cheer again. Clyde walks up and takes the tape from Craig]
Clyde: [excitedly runs towards the video wall] Put it, put it up on the, monitors! [puts the tape into the player and more close-up footage of animals is shown]
Kids: Cuuute. [a kitten's face is shown] Super cuuute.
Kyle: [turns back to the table] Gah, I just don't get it.
Token: Wow, those animals are pretty cute.
Stan: Token! Now, come on, guys! We worked too hard to just roll over for Craig and his stupid overall deal. Instead of sitting here feeling sorry for ourselves, we just need to figure out how to make our show better!
Kyle: Yeah. Maybe if we can get higher ratings by the end of the week, they'll let us stay on the air!
Butters: Well, what are we waitin' for?!
Stan: Come on, guys! [the boys leave]
Scene Description: Student Conference Room 1-F, later. Inside, A sign above the chalkboard reads "Idea Room." Cartman has his feet up on the table. Stan paces the floor.
Stan: All right, we all need to come up with ideas for our show.
Kyle: How about we revamp the name? Super School News sounds dry.
Cartman: It should be Sexy News.
Token: Action News!
Stan: Yeah, Sexy Action, that's good.
Kyle: Maybe the problem is we don't have very good stories to report on.
Cartman: Right. We should make up stories, because they'll be far more interesting.
Butters: Hey, yeah. Uh why I could say I saw celebrities even though I didn't, a-a-and then lie about what I saw them doing.
Cartman: Nice, Butters, write that down!
Butters: [enunciates each word as he writes it] Lie about celebrities.
Stan: We have to appeal to all the students, so we, we need hot girls for the sixth graders...
Cartman: And panda bears for the preschoolers.
Stan: Good!
Kyle: Maybe we need to make students think they have to watch our news show or they'll die.
Token: Yeah! We should make up a bunch of reports about how dangerous it is to be alive.
Butters: Oh, boy!
Jimmy: Fellas, are you sure all of this is eh-ethical?
Cartman: We're in fourth grade, Jimmy. We don't even know what ethical means.
Stan: All right, Sexy Action School News Team, it's time to go to work. Get out there and get some stories!
Butters: Sexy Action School News Team, ho! [the boys leave their seats and head out the doors. Cartman stops Token]
Cartman: Ah, Token, can I have a quick word with you? [takes Token by the arm and walks him away from the door] Look, Token, I-I know the guys are having trouble bringing this up with you, but uh... Well the thing is, Token, we... we really need to revamp your whole TV persona.
Token: Huh?
Cartman: You see Token, people really enjoy seeing African-Americans on the news... Seeing African-Americans on the news, not hearing them. That's why all African-Americans newspeople learn to talk more... wha-, how should I say... white. [Sees that Token isn't following] Token, all the great African-Americans news people have learned to hide their ebonic tribespeak with a more pure Caucasian dialect. There's no shame in it, and I think it'll really help our ratings.
Announcer: This is South Park Elementary School closed-circuit television. And now, [dramatic fanfare] Time with the Sexy Action School News! [a splashy logo appears with a small explosion behind the logo, then a female silhouette walking across the screen behind the words]
Cartman: Is South Park about to explode from a methane gas leak? More on that later. But first, Stan Marsh has a look at some new outfits for the Raisins girls!
Scene Description: Reporting from Raisins, Stan Marsh. He's surrounded by Raisins with shorter shorts and tank tops.
Raisins Girls: Woohoo!
Stan: Eric, the outfits are even skimpier than before, leaving very little to the imagination. No doubt that if I were a little older, I would be aroused.
Raisins Girls: Woowhoowoo!
Cartman: And now, for a look at the weather, here is Token Black, and Token, I hope there's no tornadoes headed our way.
Token: [deeper, whiter voice] No tornadoes, Eric, but interestingly enough, there is a low-pressure storm moving in over the Park County Valley. Should bring us some chilly days ahead. [grins and points his index fingers at the camera]
Jimmy: The Park County School Board has approved a bigger budget for the computer lab up-
Cartman: [rudely interrupting] Oooo, hang on, Jimmy, it looks like Kyle has the dish on some students' bathroom habits. Kyle?
Kyle: [at a different, flashier desk] Eric, sources are speculating that third-grade student, Pete Thelman [his picture is shown], pees sitting down like a girl. We've also got confirmation that Sally Turner [her picture is shown] stuffs her bra. And Clyde Donovan has only one testicle.
Cartman: [cracks up with laughter, then holds up a finger] One testicle! [pounds the desk and laughs] What an asshole! [a short jingle is heard]
Token: Uh-oh, looks like it's Panda Bear Madness Minute! [circus music plays as panda-suited mascots and the other reporters join Token in the weather area and dance. A pulsating logo appears]
Cartman: Oh yeah, Panda Bear Madness! And now, let's get a look at the celebrity watch, with Butters.
Jimmy: [dismayed] This isn't the news, this is a tr-tr-tr-tr-travesty.
Scene Description: Student Conference Room 1-F.
Cartman: All right, so after my report on the unsanitary conditions of the school cafeteria, we're go to Kyle for the story on Brian Teeves trying to make out with Susan Farkle.
Stan: Then, let's do Token's report on how global warming is going to kill everyone in the fifth grade.
Token: That is a terrific idea, Stan, A-Okay.
Jimmy: [walks into the room with a tape] Fellas! Fellas, I got fant-tastic news! The vice-President, Dick Cheney, was in Denver yesterday, and I got an interview with him for our news show. [the boys look at Cartman]
Cartman: Oooo, interview with the vice-President, hmmm. Frankly, Jimmy, I don't know how we're gonna fit that in between cheerleader pie-eating and Who's got skidmarks Monday.
Jimmy: But this is real news!
Cartman: It's boring news, Jimmy.
Jimmy: How do you know?! You you haven't s-seen it yet!
Cartman: All right, tell me about it.
Jimmy: Well, in the interview, Mr. Cheney tells me all about how the-
Cartman: [yawns loudly] Aww! Ohh! God, I just got so sleepy. I'm sorry, what were we talking about?
Jimmy: Look, fellas, I've got a real problem with the direction our news show is going! We're dumbing down the school!
Stan: No, Jimmy, the school is already dumb. We're just giving them what they want.
Kyle: We're making the news more appealing to students.
Jimmy: This isn't the news! This a b-b-bastardized quest for ratings! Damnit, we have a journalistic responsibility to bring students the fa... the facts! [begins to walk around the table] Don't you see what we've done? In our efforts to compete with Craig's small-minded show, we've made a mockery of n-news reporting. I remember when we all made an oath to each other, way back when started playing news reporter, that we would never let anything jeopardize our integrity! Well our integrity is jeopardized! And if we can't report news the honest way, what good is n-news reporting? [Cartman then yawns loudly again]
Scene Description: Mr. Meryl's office, Audio-Visual Department.
Mr. Meryl: Boys, first of all, I want to tell you how impressed I am with your ability to get more ratings. Your show beat Close-up Animals with a Wide Angle Lens by three viewers!
The boys: All right! Woohoo! Awesome! [the boys give each other hugs all around and shake hands]
Stan: I knew we could do it!
Kyle: We beat Close-up Animals!
Cartman: Oh man, this is so great! We, we worked so hard to be on top! Oh, oh come'ere you! [hugs Butters]
Mr. Meryl: Yes, but unfortunately, you got crushed in the ratings by Craig's new show. [the boys continue cheering, then stop and look at Mr. Meryl]
Stan: Craig's new show?
Mr. Meryl: All the students love it. It's an incredible idea called Close-up Animals With a Wide Angle Lens... Wearing Hats. Take a look. [clicks Play. The boys turn around to look at the monitor. The animals on display now are wearing hats, but it's the same show as before otherwise.] That Craig is a freakin' genius, I tell ya. He's like... an idea machine.
Butters: Does... Does this mean we're still gonna get cancelled?
Mr. Meryl: I'm afraid it's worse than that, boys. I'm gonna have to give you all F's in Extracurricular AV Class. You have to learn now how important ratings are!
Stan: Hey wha-b-but we gave it our best.
Mr. Meryl: Yes. [begins to rock in his seat] And I guess your best wasn't good enough. [shows them the door]
Scene Description: In the hall. Mr. Meryl closes the door behind them.
Stan: [stunned] I don't believe it.
Cartman: I can't lose this extracurricular credit. I need it to pass fourth grade!
Butters: Stupid news hair! [He removes his wig and kicks it away.]
Jimmy: Fellas! Don't you see? This proves my point. We have to elevate our ideas up, not down.
Kyle: Yeah, Jimmy's right. I know we can come up with way better ideas than Craig.
Stan: Yeah. To save our show, all we need to do is come up with the best idea for an episode ever!
Scene Description: Student Conference Room 1-F. The kid reporters sit around trying to think of something, anything, but all there is is silence.
Kyle: What if we do a show where we- [stops] Uh, no.
Cartman: How about we have us, um... hmmm.
Stan: Come on, doesn't anybody have any show ideas?
Butters: Well, how about we get panda bears and we have them dance around with us?
Token: We did that!
Jimmy: Wow, coming up with ideas is... hard.
Stan: Look, you guys, if Craig can do it, we can do it! Come on! [time passes. Stan begins to pace the floor again] How about we do... a show... with us... ughhh.
Kyle: Uhhh. What if the-?
Cartman: Wait, I've got it. [the boys turn and look at him] Crab people.
Stan: Crab people?
Cartman: They're like half crab, half people, and they live below the ground.
Stan: [looks at Cartman, then gets annoyed] Dude, I think we can do a little better than crab people.
Butters: I know! We should read the funnies! [hops off his chair and goes to a table, on which sits the Sunday Funnies] I always get good ideas from the funnies.
Cartman: [his face buried in his hands] Butters, only gay little dweebs read the funnies!
Butters: Yeah! I read 'em all the time! Uh here's one: the uh, snail tripped over a hurdle, and the other snail says "Well that's gonna add another hour to his time." [laughs] Yeah! You guys! [gets no reaction from the other boys] Heh.
Cartman: How about we do a show where we kill Butters? [time marches on and the boys get sleepy, except for Butters]
Butters: [still reading the funnies, giggles, then laughs] So Dagwood says "Good, guh-good thing we're playin' ...uh the back nine at your house." [laughs heartily]
Stan: We're hopelessly stuck, completely out of ideas.
Cartman: We have crab people. Just sayin'.
Kyle: Wait! You know what we should do? We should all take a bunch of cough medicine!
Token: Cough medicine?
Kyle: That's what the sixth graders do behind the school at recess. They take way too much cough medicine because they say it makes them see things in their heads.
Scene Description: South Park Pharmacy, later. The boys are at the cold and flu medicine aisle.
Butters: Gee whiz, there sure is a lot of 'em.
Kyle: How do we know which one to use?
Stan:
Cartman: That sounds perfect.
Jimmy: B-b-bingo!
Pharmacist: Can I help you boys?
Stan: Uh, yeah, we need to come up with some ideas and inspiration, so we're gonna drink a bunch of cough medicine.
Pharmacist: Whoa, boys! That's not what you need to come up with ideas.
Kyle: It's not?
Pharmacist: No! What you want is Calminex PM. [grabs a similar bottle to the first one and hands it to Kyle] It has the dexatrimfan in it that causes hallucinations in large doses.
Kyle: Oh, okay.
Pharmacist: Now, if it's more of a lucid, speedy kind of high you're looking for, I do also carry the Daytab Cold and Flu. Then there's the maximum-strength Cortitussin Cough and Cold, but of course, that's only if you really want to trip balls.
Jimmy: Wha-what do you think, fellas?
Stan: I guess we'll just take all of 'em.
Pharmacist: That's the spirit! All right, boys, I'll just need your parents' permission. [the boys look at each other] Kidding! I'm just pulling your legs. Come on over to the register. [goes to the register. The boys follow and see Herbert Garrison and Mr. Slave waiting for the pharmacist]
Herbert Garrison: Oh, looks like somebody else is doin' a little partyin' tonight.
Mr. Slave: Oh, Jesus Christ
Butters: Woo. We aren't havin' a party.
Herbert Garrison: Oh yeah, sure, you're just buyin' that for your bad coughs, right? [fakes a bad cough and nudges Mr. Slave] Us too. [coughs]
Mr. Slave: [coughs] Jesus. [coughs]
Scene Description: Student Conference Room 1-F. Butters and Jimmy sit at a sofa. Jimmy has set his crutches aside and is now drinking the cough syrup.
Kyle: [handing out a few things] All right, now everybody take a tablet and a pencil. [Stan, Token, and Cartman are on the floor] and when all the ideas start coming, just write 'em down. We might not remember everything otherwise.
Butters: [Jimmy hands him a bottle] Oh boy, I can't wait to be creative and smart. [chugs down the cough syrup] Eww, it's all thick and g-gooey.
Cartman: [taps at his notepad several times with a pencil] Huh. I don't have any ideas yet.
Kyle: Stan? [Stan's eyes have glazed over and he looks stupefied. From Stan's point of view, the whole world changes. Kyle now has a wolf head with yellow eyes.] Dude, Stan, you all right?
Jimmy: [appears as a yellow figure with multi-colored polka dots all over his body] I think maybe he's f-feeling it.
Cartman: [appears as a blob with echoing voice] Stan, are you getting good ideas?
Butters: Whoa... [stretches out his left hand] I'm feeling kind of bowling-ballish, fellas.
Scene Description: Stan begins his head trip. He sees a tunnel with yellow light, then a flash of plasma, then an animated Mandelbrot design, then a prize-winning dog on a pedestal. A bell sounds. Next, a tunnel with blue light, which ends up at a performance of some sort, a time-lapse shot of rolling clouds, another Mandelbrot animation, a running shot of a meadow, then a wide-angle view of the boys.
Cartman: [with altered voice] Stan? Stan, come on. We're gonna go find a frog. [smiles, turns around and walks away]
Scene Description: Stan then sees time-lapse footage of a ride through a city, then blooming flowers, then time-lapse footage of the reporters walking around the valley, then some weird graphics, then Cartman in degraded colors. Cartman and Kyle speak to him in weird altered voices.
Cartman: Oh dude, I just got the best idea!
Kyle: [with modulated voice] Me too! [they quickly write their ideas down in their notepads]
Scene Description: Stan then sees an imploding building, then some dancing African women, an explosion in another building, a zoom-pan shot of an African dancer. Next he sees himself and the boys on a sidewalk in downtown.
Butters: Hey! Let's run naked through the street! [Butters rips off his clothes, except for his wig and runs away happily. Kyle, Token, and Cartman stand around with goofy grins on their faces doing nothing.]
Scene Description: Student Conference Room 1-F, later on. Token and Jimmy are in armchairs, Stan stayed on the floor, Kyle, Butters, and Cartman are on the sofa. Butters is in his underwear. All of them are groggy.
Cartman: Dude, this TV show is awesome.
Stan: It's... it's the greatest show of all time.
Kyle: I could watch this for days. [They are unknowingly watching Craig's show, Close-up Animals With a Wide Angle Lens Wearing Hats]
The boys: [without enthusiasm] Cuuute. Super cuuute.
Scene Description: Student Conference Room 1-F, next morning. The boys are now asleep. Butters is still in his underwear with his head on Kyle's lap. Stan, sleeping on the floor, wakes up and looks around.
Stan: You guys. You guys, wake up! [the boys are roused]
Kyle: Ah!
Butters: Huh?
Kyle: Butters, get away from me!
Butters: [looks down at his body] Oh J-Jesus, where are my clothes?!
Stan: We took a bunch of cough medicine to come up with ideas for our show. I didn't come up with anything.
Cartman: I-I did. I wrote something down. [reaches down and gets his tablet] Here it is! Uh, squiggly line, circle. [shows the drawing to the other boys]
Kyle: I wrote down... all the lyrics to the Happy Days theme song.
Stan: You guys, we watched Craig's show all night long.
Token: [still groggy] Yeah. It was great.
Stan: No, but don't you see? We didn't think it was great before. I think I understand now. [strokes his chin] I think I know why Craig's show gets such great ratings! Half the school is high on cough medicine!
Kyle: Jesus, you may be right.
Jimmy: Fellas, this is our chance! Everyone get your hair looking as fantastic as possible. It's time for us to do the most incredible investigative news report of our journalistic lives!
Announcer: This is closed-circuit television for South Park Elementary School. And now, [sudden change of tone and flashy graphics follow] a Sexy Action News Team Special Report: Cough Medicine Abuse in School! [the boys are shown in their news reporter attire and they strike serious poses. Cartman takes off his glasses.] With the Sexy Action School News Team! [a shot of a coffin being lowered into its plot] It's the report you can't afford to miss! [a skull and crossbones appear and a scream is heard. The picture itself takes on a blue hue] And now here is Rick Cartman!
Cartman: [camera pans down to him] They call it cough syrup, cough medicine, cold and flu remedy. But behind closed doors at South Park Elementary it also has a street name. Coochie, wombat juice, tigger yum yum. Hello, I'm Rick Cartman. Today, the Sexy Action School News Team takes you inside the dark and lonely world... of cough medicine abuse.
Stan: [voice over] They're doing it in the hallways! [a shot of Tweek downing some cough syrup, then jumping in surprise with his iconic yelp and running away] Behind the school! [a shot of the Goth kids downing cough medicine]
Pete: Hey, get out of here, you fuckin' dork!
Stan: Even in the girls' bathroom! [a shot of Bebe and Red in the restroom viewed through an air vent. Bebe takes a sip from a bottle of cough medicine, gives it to Red to sip, then notices something in the air vent]
Bebe: [approaches the sink under the vent] Is somebody in there?! I'll tell on you!
Stan: [a shot of Jimmy and Principal Victoria looking at the report] We showed the shocking footage to the principal!
Principal Victoria: Oh my goodness!
Jimmy: P- Principal Victoria, can you explain how your administration fai-failed to see this p-p-pro-o-o... p-p-problem.
Principal Victoria: Well I... we...
Kyle: [steps into view in front of Cartman, who has his arms crossed] So where are students getting all this cough medicine?? [Cartman uncrosses his arms and puts his fists on his hips. Kyle puts his hands behind his back] This surveillance footage shows a group of troubled kids getting all the smack they want from a pharmacist! [it's the footage from their own visit to the pharmacist for the medicine] Sexy Action School News reported the pharmacist to the South Park police, and he was immediately arrested! [a shot of the pharmacist being escorted out of the store and into a cruiser. Officer Barbrady takes part in the arrest]
Token: The cough companies claim they don't intend for their product to be used by kids to get high! But one look at the packaging tells otherwise. [brings out the first package] Theradryl DM. For kids. [brings out the next package] Dexa Cough, children's formula.
Cartman: And now, for a quick celebrity check, here's Butters Stotch.
Butters: [from the front of the school] Still no celebrities, Eric. Uh, I'll keep my eyes open.
Stan: The cough medicine problem used to also run rampant in neighboring Middle Park Elementary. But they took action: riddled their entire town of cough medicine, and what we see now is a happier school, 100% cough medicine-free. [a shot of the hallways from the entrance. All the kids are coughing and walking around. Some of them sneeze]
Scene Description: Mr. Meryl's office, later.
Mr. Meryl: Boys, I want to congratulate you on what is perhaps the finest piece of student television I've ever seen. Not only did you get all the students and myself off of couch medicine, but you got a 22 in the ratings!
Kyle: Twenty-two people?! All right!
Craig: [enters and moves past the other boys] You wanted to see me, Mr. Meryl?
Mr. Meryl: Oh yes, Craig. It appears that the ratings for your show are down significantly.
Stan: [knowingly] Gee, what a coincidence.
Jimmy: I wonder... oo-oo.. w-why?
Mr. Meryl: You need to know how important ratings are, Craig, so, I'm going to suspend you from school and request that you have your testicles removed surgically. [Craig's jaw drops.]
Cartman: [gleefully] Haha! In your face, Craig!
Mr. Meryl: You boys are approved for twenty-seven new shows. I want you to come up with an even better idea than the cough medicine story. Get to it!
Scene Description: Student Conference Room 1-F, later on. The boys are seated at the table once again, sitting in silence.
Stan: Nobody has any ideas?
Cartman: This sucks. I don't wanna keep havin' to come up with ideas for shows all the time. It hurts my head. [Token and Kyle sit across from him with no ideas either]
Kyle: Dude, bail?
Cartman: ...I think bail.
Stan: ...Bail. [everyone leaves the table]
Jimmy: Yep, b-b-b-bail. [the room is empty as the door closes off-camera.]
Scene Description: The last scenes are that of "Close-up Animals With a Wide Angle Lens Wearing Hats"


Scene Description: South Park Mall, day. Inside, a crowd awaits a special event. A small stage with "PARIS" written on it in large letters is set up before a red curtain. Wendy and Bebe arrive and make their way to the front.
Bebe: Come on, Wendy, we're gonna miss it!
Wendy: We're gonna miss what?
Bebe: Paris Hilton is making an appearance at the mall!
Wendy: Who's Paris Hilton?
Red: "Who's Paris Hilton?"
Annie: You don't know?
Store owner: [someone takes a picture as he approaches the mic.] Hello, everyone! The Guess Clothing Company is pleased to have as its new spokesperson model, a woman all you young ones can look up to, Ms. Paris Hilton. [she appears and flashbulbs go off amid squeals from females in the crowd. She then lifts her bra and shows off her breasts]
Bebe: Wow, that's really her! Paris! Over here!
Wendy: I don't get it. What's she do?
Annie: She's super-rich!
Wendy: ...But what does she do?
Red: She's totally spoiled and snobby.
Wendy: [annoyed] What does she do?!
Man: [walks by and overhears] She's a whore. [takes his camera and snaps a few pictures]
Paris: [her left eyelid hangs heavy] Hey everyone. Sorry if I'm a little spent. I did a whole lot of partying last night with a LOT of different guys. [coughs semen onto her left fist] Anyway, I'm pleased to be here in Gouth Dark to announce the opening of my brand new store! A store where girls can buy everything they need to be just like me! Stupid Spoiled Whore! [the red curtain drops to reveal the store. The crowd cheers] Have fun, girls. And remember to party, and be super-lame to everybody. G'Bye! [steps aside and off-stage. An assistant awaits with water and a tote bag, which has a Chihuahua in it. She holds out a bottle of water] Give me that! Fucking Christ I need a drink! [vomits out feces, then drinks from the bottle. The assistant arms her with the tote bag] Where's my dog?! [walks off]
Scene Description: Stupid Spoiled Whore, inside. The girls rush in as the doors open and begin to mill around. Bebe leads Red, Annie, and Wendy around. Wendy's still stunned.
Bebe: Wow, look at all this great stuff. Stupid Spoiled Whore clothes, Stupid Spoiled Whore dolls.
Red: [walks up to a display case] Hey, check it out: the new Paris Hilton perfume, Skanque. [grins and holds a heart-shaped bottle with the name on it]
Announcer: Skanque.
Annie: [carrying some clothes] Oh yeah, let's get lots of that!
Wendy: You guys, don't buy this stuff! Why do you want to be like Paris Hilton?
Red: It's not just Paris: Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, Tara Reid, they're all stupid spoiled whores!
Wendy: But the idea that we'll be whorish for money is belittling to our gender!
Bebe: [now with two armloads of clothes] Wendy, get a clue. The only thing more important than being rich is being famous!
Annie: Wow, you really sound like a dumb brat, Bebe.
Bebe: Thanks, Annie! [She, Annie, and Red walk away, and Wendy remains stunned]
Scene Description: South Park Mall, parking lot. Paris's chauffeur holds the limousine door open for her.
Paris: [quickly arrives and enters the limo] God, get me out of this hick town! What a bunch of rednecks! [the driver closes the door, starts up the limo, and drives off. Inside, she picks up her Chihuahua and starts talking to it, caressing it] Everybody's so fucking lame. Except for you, my little Tinkerbell. You love my vewy much, don't you? How much you wuv me? I'm gonna dress you up like a bunny, and then I'm gonna dress you up like a little princess. You're mine forever! [her cellphone rings and she answers it, releasing Tinkerbell.] Whatever! Oh, hey, Kasey. Oh, another stupid store opening at some lame cowboy town. [Tinkerbell jumps down from the seat and walks away dejected] Oh, it's so fucking stupid, this whole town stinks like cows. [Tinkerbell is up on the divider and looks down] I can't wait to get out of here! Grody!
Scene Description: Tinkerbell drops down onto the front seat
Paris: They have the lamest stores, too. [... walks over to the driver and digs around his right coat pocket ...] I'm gonna go to Rome for the weekend, I think. I dunno, Rome or Tokyo, either way it'll be totally boring. [... and digs out a small gun from the pocket.] Stupid. [coughs some semen onto her left hand] Hagh. [Tinkerbell carries the gun back to the back seat...] I need to get wasted. I haven't had a drink in like fourteen minutes. Why is everybody so stupid anyway? [... and sets the gun down long enough to put the barrel against its chin. Tinkerbell then tries to set the gun off with her right hind leg. That doesn't work, so she stands the gun up on its butt and tries again] I flashed all these hicks with my boobs; you should've seen the look on their faces! Stupid redneck idiots!
Scene Description: The gun goes off and Tinkerbell falls over, her brain and blood splattering on the seat's back and rear window.
Paris: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
Chauffeur: Oh dear...
Paris: Another dog killed itself!
Scene Description: A house. Two girls sit at a dining table doing nothing. Wendy enters and addresses them.
Wendy: Hey, Jessie [the blonde], Hey, Kal. Do you guys mind if I hang out with you? The other girls are acting really strange.
Jessie: Sure, Wendy. We were just trying to think of something to do.
Wendy: Oh, well, you wanna maybe go to the art museum?
Jessie: Nah, that sounds really dull.
Kal: Hey, I know! Let's make a videotape of us having sex with boys! [Jessie likes the idea]
Wendy: What?!
Kal: I just got [brings out a box] the Stupid Spoiled Whore video playset! [the set comes from Letcher Price and "Makes you a whore and so much more!"]
Singers: Stupid Spoiled Whore Video Playset!
Kal: You can make videos that get out on the Internet!
Jessie: Yeah! [Kal puts on some makeup as Jessie looks on]
Singers: Stupid Spoiled Whore Video Playset! Show the whole world what a slut you are!
Announcer: Stupid Spoiled Whore Video Playset comes with video camera, night-vision filter, play money, cellphone, and sixteen hits of ecstasy. [nine hits are shown] [The playset box is shown again, then Kal is shown on the cellphone]
Singers: Stupid Spoiled Whore Video Playset! Let everyone see your coo-ooch! [The playset box is shown again, then Kal is shown on the cellphone]
Kal: I'm pretending to be calling my friends on the cellphone while my man waits for more sex!
Jessie: You're a Stupid Spoiled Whore. [Wendy just turns right and walks away.] Where are you goin', Wendy?
Scene Description: The limousine. Paris is crying over the loss of Tinkerbell.
Paris: Bwaaaaaaa! Waaaaaaaaaaa!
Chauffeur: All right, Ms. Hilton, we'll find you another dog.
Paris: [throws a tantrum] Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
Chauffeur: There there now, let's just get you back home, shall we?
Paris: Woooooooooohooooooooooooooohoooooooooooooooo... [notices something outside] Wait! Wait, stop the car! [the limo proceeds] Stop the car, you fucking moron! [the limo stops] Look at how cuuute. I want that! I want that!
Butters: [playing with some apples on a checkerboard blanket on the front lawn] Loo loo loo, I've got some apples, Loo loo loo, you've got some too.
Paris: It's adorable! [exits the limo and closes the door]
Butters: Loo loo loo, let's make some applesauce, take off our clothes and loo loo loo! [Paris approaches him]
Paris: Look at his wittle puff ball! [Butters is surprised] I'm gonna feed you, and take care of you, and call you Mr. Biggles! [kneels down and hugs him]
Butters: My name's Butters.
Paris: Driver, put Mr. Biggles in the car. [the driver appears] I want to find a bear costume for him. Won't he be soo cute dressed up as a bear?
Chauffeur: Paris, I believe this is somebody's child.
Paris: I want it!
Chauffeur: I don't think you can actually-
Paris: I want it! I want it! [rocks back and forth]
Chauffeur: All right, all right, come on- come on, young man.
Butters: Wa-I'm sorry, ma'am. I'd like to be your boyfriend and all, uh, even though you have kind of a big nose, but my parents told me, "never get into a car with a stranger."
Paris: Well, did they say anything about limousines? [Butters thinks about it. An image of his parents appears]
Stephen: Butters, never get into a car with a stranger. Unless it's a limousine.
Butters: Yeah, actually, they did say that'd be all right.
Paris: [happily] Get in the limo, Mr. Biggles! We're gonna have a bear costume made for you!
Scene Description: Wendy's house, night. Her parents are watching TV and munching on chips on the sofa. She enters with her head down.
Announcer: And now, back to The Price is Right! [Wendy sighs]
Mr. Testaburger: Hi, sweetie. What's the matter?
Wendy: Mom, Dad, I'm growing concerned about the role models young women have in today's society.
Mr. Testaburger: Oh?
Wendy: It seems that lewdness and shallowness are being exalted, while intellectualism is looked down upon.
Mr. Testaburger: ...Gosh.
Wendy: I think young women are being marketed to by corrupt, moral-less corporations.
Mr. Testaburger: Well, get right on fixing that, sweetie. Wanna watch The Price is Right? [Wendy doesn't answer. Instead, she turns away and walks off slowly, and her parents go back to eating chips]
Wendy: [spins around and walks back] Dad, there's a new store at the mall called "Stupid Spoiled Whore" and I'm gonna go there and buy a thong!
Mr. Testaburger: [suddenly angered] What?! No daughter of mine is going to dress like a whore! We're marching down to that store right now, young lady!
Scene Description: Stupid Spoiled Whore, moments later. Wendy and her dad enter the store. He looks around.
Mr. Testaburger: Oh my God! Well, this place is-! Oh my God! [approaches a line of girls and their mothers.] Mrs. Faulk, you're buying this stuff for your daughter?!
Mrs. Faulk: [giggles] It's what's in right now. I, I can't have my little girl be the only one not in a trend; she'll be unpopular.
Mr. Testaburger: Unpopular?! If she's not a whore?! [Bebe and her mom now pay attention] But these are our girls!
Mrs. Stevens: I think it's empowering for them. I mean, sure, if a man wants to be a whore, it's normal, but if a woman wants to be one, it's wrong. [the other females murmur in agreement]
Woman 1: Yeah, when a man pees standing up, it's normal, but when a woman does it, it's weird.
Females: Yeah! Right!
Woman 2: Yeah, like, when men shave their balls it's fine, but when a woman does it she's straaange.
Females: Yeah! Right! It isn't fair!
Teen girl 1: All the girls in South Park are gonna be total sluts from now on, so you can just get used to it.
Teen girl 2: [rubs her ass up against Mr. Testaburger] Yeah. Will you buy me that purse I want over there? I'll do anything, 'cause I'm a whore.
Mr. Testaburger: [more amenable now] Oh, uh, sure I can buy a purse.
Wendy: Dad!
Mr. Testaburger: Nope. Wendy, I think they're right. You see, you have to believe in the rights of women. For too long they've had to live a double standard. [enjoying the affection] Oh yeah. I'm sorry I've been so chauvinistic, Wendy. From now on, you can have whatever you want from this store, I'll help make you the stupidest, most spoiled whore of them all!
Females: Hooray!
Scene Description: The Stotch house, day.
Stephen: Butters, will you mind telling us why you're dressed up like a bear?
Butters: [dressed in a bear cub outfit] Oh, well, uh, my sort-of-girlfriend dressed me up like this.
Stephen: Your girlfriend?
Paris: [enters the scene] There you are, Mr. Biggles! [picks Butters up and hugs him] Aw, I thought I'd lost you! [caresses him] Promise you'll never leave me. [his parents are stunned]
Linda: Butters? You're dating Paris Hilton? You are grounded, mister!
Butters: I'm sorry.
Stephen: [turns his wife around] Uh, sweetheart, isn't Paris Hilton worth a lot of money?
Linda: Chris, she's more than twice Butters' age.
Stephen: Yes, and more than three billion times his net worth. Everybody adores that girl, darling. We should be nice to her too, especially if she's in love with our son! [they turn around]
Linda: Uh, Paris, would you like to have some cocoa with us? [Paris coughs some semen onto her left hand and rubs it against the rug]
Paris: With schnapps and Scotch. [coughs some more semen onto her hand]
Scene Description: The dining table. The four persons are seated around it drinking cocoa, with Paris having a bottle of Scotch alongside the cocoa.
Stephen: So, Paris, I understand you're from the prestigious Hilton family. Very nice hotels.
Paris: I've gotta get outta here. This place is stupid. Where am I? Oh, I wanna take Mr. Biggles with me.
Linda: [stunned again] With you where?
Paris: To live with me forever and ever, you dumb broad. How much?
Linda: How much? For Butters?
Stephen: Butters is our son. He's not for sale.
Paris: I'll give you two hundred million dollars for it. [Butters is afraid. Chris spits out his cocoa and puts down his cup]
Stephen: Excuse me?!
Paris: I said I'll give you two hundred million dollars for it! [Chris spits out his cocoa. Linda does so as well. Paris whips out a checkbook and pen] I'll write you a check for Mr. Biggles right now.
Linda: Chris, is she serious?
Stephen: Ah, Butters, why don't you take Paris up to your room for a little while, uh, Mommy and Daddy have to talk.
Butters: [while Paris writes out a check] Mom, Dad, I-I love you. Please don't sell me to Paris Hilton.
Stephen: Butters, right now!
Scene Description: The living room, moments later. Chris paces the floor as Linda watches on.
Linda: We aren't honestly considering this?
Stephen: Darling, Paris is a billionaire. She can give Butters everything he wants. We'd be terrible parents not to consider it.
Linda: But he's our son!
Stephen: I know, darling, but look: we have to think about the rest of the family.
Linda: The rest of the f- you do mean us?
Stephen: Yes, us, the rest of the family.
Scene Description: Upstairs, in Butters' room. The bed looks nice. Paris is now drunk from the Scotch she added to her cocoa.
Paris: What should we do, Mr. Biggles? I drank too much. [falls backward upon the bad] Oh my God, I'm so wasted! [her genitals are exposed] The room's all spinny. I'm... totally passing out. [she falls silent. Butters looks around, then reaches over with his left hand and touches her vagina a few times]
Scene Description: South Park Elementary. The class bell rings and kids clear the hall. Cartman is at his locker, and near him stand five girls. Wendy walks up to them.
Wendy: Hey, Bebe. I heard you were having a party tonight.
Bebe: You wouldn't be interested, Wendy. My parents are out of town, so it's a Stupid Spoiled Whore party.
Wendy: I'm a stupid spoiled whore. [her dress is relaxed: blue jeans and turquoise tank top with one strap over the right shoulder. The girls laugh at her reply]
Annie: Right. Please, Wendy, you're like Class President and stuff!
Red: Yeah, and you get straight A's in school!
Bebe: You're not even spoiled, because your parents give money to charity!
Red: You don't want to go to this party, Wendy! We're inviting all the boys, and we're gonna play Spin the Bottle, and Two Minutes In The Closet, and do ketamine.
Wendy: That's okay.
Annie: Oh, please, do you even know what ketamine is?
Wendy: Yes.
Annie: See? You are too smart.
Red: Yeah. We have no idea what ketamine is.
Bebe: Sorry Wendy. You're just not a whore. Get lost!
Girls: Yeah. [Wendy turns around and walks off sadly. The others laugh at her, then move on to other topics]
Red: Hey, we'd better start inviting boys to the party.
Sally Turner: Oooo, look, here comes Clyde.
Bebe: Party at my house tonight, Clyde. You're invited. [Clyde walks by, wondering what these girls are on about]
Millie: Mmm, I'd like a piece of that!
Red: I wanna do him.
Annie: Oh, yeah. Here comes Kyle. [Cartman, still at his locker, looks over. Kyle passes by]
Sally: Mmm, talk to me, kosher boy. [Cartman turns around to see what the girls see]
Millie: I'd like to twizel his pixie stick.
Bebe: Party at my house tonight, Kyle.
Annie: Tweek and Jason - that'd be a great three-way. [Tweek and Jason walk by]
Red: Yeah, they're invited too.
Sally: Jason has a huge bulge. You're gonna get it, boys.
Bebe: Now here's what I'm talking about. [Token appears and walks by] A little midnight blue!
Millie: Yeah, I'd like to wax his crankshaft!
Annie: Be at Bebe's house, tonight, at seven! [Cartman clears his throat, closes his locker, and walks past the girls. Not one of them says a thing.]
Sally: Look, here comes Kevin. [Kevin appears and walks by]
Bebe: Hey Kevin, party at my house.
Millie: I'd like to gargle his marbles.
Red: Yeah, you said it. [Cartman runs back along the hall in such a way that the girls don't notice]
Sally: See you there, Kev. [Cartman tries again, and the girls notice.]
Cartman: "Dude, there's Cartman. We should invite him to the party for sure." [the girls say nothing. Cartman stops, gets angry, and walks back to the first girl he saw, then flips each one of them off. He flips Red off with both hands.] Fuck you Millie, fuck you Annie, fuck you Bebe, fuck you whatever your name is, and fuck you, bitch! [leaves.]
Scene Description: Butters' room. He's gotten interested in Paris' genitals, poking at them.
Butters: Huh. Didn't I... Whoa, that's the darnedest thing I ever saw. [upon hearing a knock on the door, he gasps and stops probing Paris]
Stephen: Ms. Hilton? Uh, Ms. Hilton.
Paris: [awakens and sits up] Eugh. Where am I? Ew! This room's all middle-class and small!
Stephen: Ms. Hilton, we've talked it over all night and... while your offer is enticing, I'm afraid we just can't sell you our son for two hundred million dollars. [Butters smiles] It'll have to be two hundred and fifty million, cash, up front.
Butters: Oh hamburgers!
Paris: Yay! Mr. Biggles, you're mine forever!
Butters: [jumps off the bed and runs to Linda] Please! Ah I don't want to live with her! She snores real bad, and she has a huge nose, and a squishy thing that lives in her pants! Please! Please don't sell me to her! [the parents look at each other]
Stephen: All right, Butters, tell you what: if you can raise the two hundred and fifty million dollars yourself, you can stay.
Butters: Uh, well huh, how am I supposed to make that kind of money??
Stephen: It's called "working" young man! Your grandfather was a coal miner for fifty years; he never complained! Get out there and start digging!
Butters: Y-yes sir! [rushes out of the room] I-I gotta... mine some coal... really fast!
Stephen: [to Linda] That should keep him busy for a while while we get this transaction finished. Now, Ms. Hilton, how should we start? [they both grin]
Scene Description: Bebe's house, night. The living room is all decked out in disco furnishings. A disco ball hangs from the ceiling and harmless laser beams shoot here and there. The girls are enjoying themselves while the boys have mixed expressions.
Millie: [stands next to the closet while a crowd of girls looks on] Okay, that's two minutes. You can come out, Clyde, Bab. [the door opens and Bab comes out grinning] How was he, Bab?
Bab: [winks at Clyde] We had a great time, didn't we Clyde?
Clyde: [walks out crying with his hands rubbing his butt] Aaaaah, owieeee, owieeee. [a knock is heard at the front door and Red goes to answer it.]
Cartman: [dressed very casually, with hair slightly unkempt] Oh, hey, What's goin' on? I'm uh, here for the party.
Red: [not fooled] Yeah? Who invited you?
Cartman: Oh, uh-uh Kelly. Kelly invited me.
Red: Kelly who?
Cartman: Kelly Rutherfordmenskin.
Red: [looks over her shoulder and calls out] Kelly Rutherfordmenskin?
Kelly Rutherfordmenskin: [approaches the door] Yeah?
Red: Did you invite him?
Kelly Menskin: No! [goes back inside. Red closes the door on Cartman]
Cartman: Oh wait, wait, wait, aah it wasn't her. That's right, I forgot, it was uh... Kelly Pinkertonstinfurter?
Red: [turns around and calls out] Kelly Pinkertonstinfurter?
Kelly Pinkertonstinfurter: [sharing a wading pool with Token and Heidi] What? [Red glares at Cartman]
Cartman: [under his breath] Oh, Goddammit!
Scene Description: Herbert Garrison's house, night. The doorbell rings and he goes to answer it. It's raining outside and thunderclaps roll soft and deep.
Herbert Garrison: Oh, hello Wendy. Are you all right?
Wendy: No, I need help.
Herbert Garrison: F-from from me?
Wendy: Actually, I was hoping to see your boyfriend.
Herbert Garrison: Well sure, come on in. Mr. Slave is right over here. [the camera follows them over to Mr. Slave, who's dangling from the ceiling like a marionette. He's moaning in pleasure]
Mr. Slave: Oooooooooooh! Oh Jesus, Jesus Christ!
Herbert Garrison: Mr. Slave, little Wendy from class wants to see you.
Mr. Slave: Oh, Hi Wendy. You need a little help with your math homework?
Wendy: No, I need help becoming a dirty whore like you
Herbert Garrison: ...Oh dear. Mr. Slave, I think you and Wendy better have a little talk. I'll make some cocoa.
Scene Description: The sofa, moments later. Wendy and Mr. Slave sit side by side.
Wendy: Mr. Slave, you're the most perverted, lewd, depraved slut I know.
Mr. Slave: Thank you sweetie.
Wendy: Can you teach me your secret fast?
Mr. Slave: Honey, I didn't work to become a whore, I was born a whore. I've been one... ever since I can remember. [a shot of the toddler Slave crawling around on a bed] Ever since I was a little boy I seemed to enjoy... different things.
Little Slave: Mommy, I think I have a fever. Can you take my temperature? [his mom approaches and sticks a thermometer up his butt] Oooo, Jesus Christ. [grins]
Mr. Slave: As I got older, I felt that one boy was never enough.
Boy slave: [sees a football practice and fakes a call] Hey, there's that queer kid. Let's tackle him! [holds out his arms and waits for the tackle]
Kid: Hey yeah, tackle the queer kid! [the players gang up on him. He seems to love the punishment] We'll show you, queer!
Boy slave: Oooooooooooh! Oooooooooooh! Jesus Christ!
Mr. Slave: So you see, I can't make you into a whore, Wendy. But why would you want to be one anyway?
Wendy: Because all the other girls are. They're having a huge sex party right now and I'm not invited.
Mr. Slave: A what?! For God's sake, where?!
Scene Description: Butters' house, outside. Butters is at the side of the house shoveling dirt from a mound.
Butters: You work eighteen hours and what do you get? Parents sell ya to Paris Hilton. [a blue car pulls up alongside and stops]
Man: Look at that. A bear, mining for coal.
Woman: Huh, I never. [the car moves on. Butters' parents, Paris, and her driver approach him]
Stephen: Well, Butters, how'd it go? Did you dig up two hundred million dollars' worth of coal?
Butters: Well, no, not quite.
Stephen: Oh, well, too bad. [shows off the check] Ms. Hilton did raise the money, so you'll be going off with her.
Butters: [throws away his shovel] Ah, shucks! [moments later he follows Paris into the limo]
Linda: Bye, sweetie, we love you!
Scene Description: Inside the limo, Paris gets her camera and aims
Paris: Smile Mr. Biggles! This time I have to get a picture of my new pet before anything happens. [snaps a picture]
Butters: Before what happens? [gets no answer, so looks around and sees her "MY PETS" photo album. He picks it up and leafs through it]
Scene Description: The shots are gruesome. First up is Tinkerbell, with the gun and blood splattered all over the place; then Patches, a French poodle that hung itself, shown dangling from the noose; then Scrambles, a cat that somehow managed to slit its front paws, lying in a bathtub full of water and blood; then Cuddles, a dog that committed harakiri.
Butters: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaah! [throws the book away, gets out of the limo as fast as he can and runs away.]
Paris: [exits the limo] Mr. Biggles! Mr. Biggles, come back! [Butters' parents approach] You'd better help me find him! No Mr. Biggles, no money! [takes away the check]
Chris: Oh that trouble making son of ours! Butters! Butters, you get back here or you are grounded, mister!
Scene Description: Bebe's house, night. The party is still going strong. One Kelly, who had earlier been with Token, is chasing Kyle. Another Kelly chases Kevin. Red is coming on to Stan. Annie chases Kenny down and catches him. In general, the guys are being chased down by the girls. A girl with dark hair chases Craig, and is about to catch him. Annie talks to Kenny. Millie chases Tweek. Bebe chases Blue Cap. Mr. Slave kicks the front door open and enters with Wendy. Cartman appears behind then and enters.
Mr. Slave: Oh Jesus! [turns on the light] Kids, kids!
Annie: Ew, party foul!
Red: Shut off the light.
Stan: Oh, thank God.
Mr. Slave: Girls, what on earth are you doing?
Bebe: We're being stupid spoiled whores. [grins]
Butters: [rushes in] H-help! You've gotta hide me! [opens the closet door and enters] Don't tell her I'm in here! [closes the door]
Bebe: What did you do, Wendy?! Go rat on us because you're not invited to our Paris Hilton party?!
Mr. Slave: Okay, I think this has all gone far enough! Now look, the last person you want to be like is Paris Hilton!
Paris: [approaches the house and enters] Mr. Biggles!
Mr. Slave: [unaware] Paris Hilton is a nobody! She may have money, but she's a thoughtless, talentless lowlife!
Paris: Who the fuck are you calling a lowlife?!
Bebe: Wow, Paris Hilton is at my party! I rule!
Butters: [bolts out of the closet] HAAAAH! [Bab looks out from the closet, grinning]
Mr. Slave: Hon, will you just tell these girls that being a whore isn't such a great thing.
Paris: What isn't great about it? What's more to life than partying?
Mr. Slave: Look girls, I've partied a lot. Okay? And I'm telling you, there's more to life.
Paris: You don't even know what partying is, loser. [brushes him off]
Mr. Slave: Sweetie, really, don't go there, okay?
Paris: Oh I went there. I went there, took some pictures, and flew back already.
Girls: Ooooo!
Annie: Wow, what a bitch. [smiles]
Mr. Slave: Sweetie, listen, I know you've done some "partying" in your private little rich life, but you don't even wanna know the kind of stuff I've done. I'm the real whore, and I'm telling you, it isn't great.
Paris: Oh yeah?! I challenge you to a whore-off!
Girls: Ooooo!
Men: [popping up out of nowhere] Whore-off! Whore-off!
Scene Description: South Park's Whore-off. A gazebo is set up for the event in South Park Square. A crowd gathers.
Official: Ah, testing? Hello? [taps the mic a few times] Okay uh, welcome everyone. Uh, the South Park Chamber of Commerce is pleased to bring you the first annual "Who Is The Biggest Whore" showdown. [the crowd cheers]
Bebe: Mr. Slave has no idea what he's in for.
Red: Paris is gonna rock his world.
Official: Ah, I'm... not quite sure how we... start this competition off, but uh-
Paris: [gets off her chair and walks over to the mic] I'll show ya how we start it off. [the music starts and she kisses him hard and grabbing his crotch]
Crowd: Ohhh! [the girls are grinning, Wendy looks at the girls' reactions. Paris then has five men on stage with her, and one of them is licking her leg. Mr. Slave simply observes]
Wendy: [approaches Stan and friends, and Mr. Garrison] What is Mr. Slave doing? He-he's just sitting there.
Herbert Garrison: Give him time, Wendy. Give him time. [cheers him on softly] Come on, Mr. Slave.
Paris: [throws the men off] Back off! None of you losers are enough for me! [whips out a pineapple from behind her back and stuffs it up her vagina] Eeeaaagh. Oh yeah. Aaaargh. [some gasps] Tada! [the crowd cheers and fireworks go off]
Randy: Oh, no she di'int. [the crowd continues cheering]
Scene Description: Mr. Slave makes his move: he gets off his chair and walks over to Paris, then moves her around till he's satisfied she's where he wants her to be. The crowd falls silent and Mr. Slave walks back to his chair.
Mr. Slave: [dusts himself off and coughs] Jesus. [takes off his pants and takes a running leap towards Paris. He lands on her head and proceeds to swallow her up through his ass, with each swallow accompanied by a grunt. The first swallow takes her head; the second, her chest; the third, her abdomen and lower back; and the fourth takes the rest of her body.] Ohoho, Jesus. [the girls are stunned at what they just saw. The adults, the boys, and Wendy all cheer]
Herbert Garrison: Now, that's a whore! [Stan and friends are still stunned. Mr. Slave goes back to his chair and puts on his pants]
Bebe: Wow, I guess Paris isn't such hot shit after all.
Mr. Slave: People, don't applaud me. I'm a dirty whore. [the crowd falls silent] Being spoiled and stupid and whorish is supposed to be a bad thing, remember? Parents, if you don't teach your children that people like Paris Hilton are supposed to be despised, where are they gonna learn it?! You have to be the- [feels something in his stomach] ooohooho, Jesus Christ. You have to be the ones to make sure your daughters aren't looking up to the wrong people.
Mr. Stevens: The homosexual is right. From now on, Bebe, you're going to dress like a little girl. [the crowd disperses and the girls walk up to Wendy]
Bebe: Wendy, we're sorry we called you names. Like not-stupid and not-spoiled.
Red: Yeah, and I didn't mean to say you weren't a whore.
Wendy: That's okay, you guys. [Butters and his family are shown next]
Stephen: So-so that's it? No two hundred million dollars? Well, Butters, I hope you're happy!
Butters: [turns right and walks away] I'm a bad bear. I'm a very bad old bear.
Stephen: You're a grounded old bear.
Scene Description: Deep within Mr. Slave's intestine, Paris is trying to claw her way out.
Paris: Oh my God, it's so gross! Let me out of here! [a light comes on in front of her - it's the Frog King] What the fuck is that?
Frog King: Paris, you must find the way out of this place or you'll surely die.
Paris: What?
Frog King: Make your way to the small intestine. There you will meet the Sparrow Prince, who can guide you to Catatafish. Now go, Paris Hilton. Make haste! [disappears]
Singers: [End of Stupid Spoiled Whore Video Playset. Some singers sing the following song as Paris begins her journey] A great adventure is waiting for you ahead. Hurry onward Paris Hilton or you will soon be dead. The road ahead is filled with danger and fright But push onward, Paris Hilton, with all of your might. Paris Hilton... Paris Hilton, Paris Hilton Paris Hilton... Paris Hilton, Paris Hilton Paris Hilton... Paris Hilton, Paris Hilton Stupid whore!