Scene Description: South Park Elementary Gym.
Chef: Okay, children, it's Friday, and you know what that means for PE class. We're gonna play dodgeball!
Scene Description: The class groans.
Kyle: We don't wanna play dodgeball. It hurts.
Stan: Yeah.
Chef: So let's have half the children on this side [To his right.] and half the children on that side. [To his left]
Scene Description: Team 1 walks to one side. The children groan.
Pip: [Uncertain.] Uhh... Excuse me a moment, gentlemen. I don't believe I know how to play dodgeball.
Cartman: [With Clyde and Stan looking on.] What? Don't you have dodgeball in France?
Pip: Well, no. And actually, I'm not from France-
Stan: Look, Pip, the rules are simple. A kid from that team is gonna try to bean a kid on our team in the head with a big red ball.
Pip: Oh, dear.
Stan: If the ball hits you, you're out, but if you catch the ball, he's out, and the last team to still have anybody standing wins.
Pip: Oh, what jolly good fun!
Kyle: No it isn't, it hurts! I can't believe they let us play this in school.
Scene Description: The teams are as follows:Team 1: Kyle, Clyde, Kenny, Stan, Cartman, Pip, Jordan, Swanson, and BrimmyTeam 2: Bill, Fosse, Kevin, Bebe, Red, and Terrance.
Chef: [Blows his whistle.] Play ball!
Scene Description: Kevin takes the ball and chucks it at Stan's team. It hits Clyde.
Clyde: Ow! Ahow-ow-ooooowww!
Stan: Dammit, we lost one already!
Chef: Aheeheh, you're out, Clyde! Heheheh.
Stan: Jordan, Swanson, pull forward! We need backup.
Scene Description: Jordan and Swanson pull forward as told to. Kevin throws again, and it hits Jordan, causing her to scream and be knocked out.
Stan: We're losing men fast out here!
Scene Description: He and Kyle jump out of the way as the ball sails towards Brimmy, who falls and lets out a grunt of pain. The ball returns to the opposing team.
Chef: [Giggling.] Concentrate on your ge-hame! Be the buhaw-hall!
Scene Description: Kevin serves again, and Kyle looks away as it comes towards him, amazingly Kyle opens his eyes to find the ball is in his hands.
Kyle: I caught it! I caught it!
Chef: Great catch, Kyle! Now your team's on offense!
Kyle: Here, Pip, you throw.
Scene Description: Kyle tosses the ball to Pip, who catches it.
Pip: Ugh... Oh, no, I couldn't.
Kyle: Come on, limey, don't be a wuss! Are you just gonna be a little French pansy your whole life?
Pip: I'm not French-
Kyle: Throw the ball, you stupid frog!
Scene Description: Pip sets up to throw.
Kyle: God-damn, maybe if you didn't eat all those croissants,
Scene Description: Angered, Pip throws the ball at him.
Kyle: you'd be able to- Ow! [He falls.].
Chef: Okay, that was pretty good, Pip, but you're supposed to hit the kids on the other team.
Kyle: Ow, my nose! You broke my nose!
Cartman: Damn, Pip. I didn't know you had it in you.
Pip: Ogh! I'm dreadfully sorry!
Chef: That nose is bleeding pretty bad, Kyle. I think you might have to go to the nurse's office.
Scene Description: Fear strikes the kids.
Kyle: [Gasp.] No. No, it'll be okay!
Chef: Sorry, son. You'll have to let the nurse look at it. Come on.
Scene Description: Chef takes him by the hand, and leads him away to the nurse's office.
Kyle: Oh- Noooo!
Cartman: [Ominously.] Dude! He's going to the nurse's office.
Clyde: I heard the school nurse is hideously deformed.
Bebe: I heard she has tentacles and eats children for lunch.
Cartman: Stan? Has anybody actually seen the nurse, and come back to tell about it?
Stan: [Somberly.] No, Cartman. Nobody ever has.
Scene Description: Nurse's Office. Kyle's shadow is on the window. He waits with his hand on his nose. He sees a mouse nibble at some cheese and run away. He looks up, and a door opens. Kyle looks and shuts his eyes tight.
Nurse Gollum: Are you Kyle Broflovski?
Scene Description: She sounds friendly, but her shadow falls on him.
Kyle: Ye-yes.
Nurse Gollum: I'm the school nurse. Did you hurt your nose?
Kyle: Ye-yes.
Nurse Gollum: Young man, Why do you have your eyes closed? I'm not gonna hurt you.
Kyle: I know.
Nurse Gollum: So open them.
Scene Description: She walks to her left, Kyle resists, then opens them.
Kyle: Oh! Phew.
Nurse Gollum: Now, what seems to be the problem?
Kyle: Aw, I just hit my nose playing dodgeball.
Nurse Gollum: Oh. Well, I'll get you an ice pack.
Scene Description: She turns to face him, and a withered fetus comes into view. It is joined to her left temple and upper cheek.
Kyle: AAGGGGGHHHH!!
Nurse Gollum: What?
Kyle: OOOOOHHHHH MY GOD!!
Nurse Gollum: Oh, I see you've noticed my disorder. I have a stillborn fetus growth attached to my head.
Kyle: AAAARRRRGGGGGGHHHHH!!!
Scene Description: After school, at Kyle's house. The boys are there to listen to Kyle's story.
Kyle: ...And when she moved up and down, the little fetus jiggled.
Boys: Eewwww!
Cartman: Did it talk? The little fetus, did it talk?
Kyle: No. No-it looked dead.
Boys: Eewwww!
Stan: Wa-was it wearing clothes?
Kyle: Dude, where is she gonna get fetus clothes?
Stan: Oh, yeah. Eeww.
Boys: Eewwww!
Kyle: And then she walked over to-
Sheila: Kyle! That is enough! I've been reading up on your poor nurse's condition, and it is nothing to be made fun of. It's called "conjoined twin myslexia".
Cartman: Who the hell cares what it's called? As long as she doesn't have to touch me...
Sheila: Now, that's just the kind of unawareness that we need to fight against. Sit down, boys.
Scene Description: They hop on the sofa. She sits in the middle and opens the book. Softly, she reads.
Sheila: You see boys, sometimes, when babies are born, they're born as twins. But sometimes the twins get hooked together, and they're born as Siamese twins.
Scene Description: A picture of two adults attached by the side of the head is shown.
The Boys: Gross!
Sheila: But sometimes, after the Siamese twins are joined together, one of the twins dies before birth. The living baby is born with the dead baby still attached.
Scene Description: Stan is frightened.
Sheila: Sometimes, this dead twin is inside the living person, so even you could have a dead twin inside you and not even know it!
Scene Description: Now, Cartman is frightened. He and Stan rush out of there.
Stan: AGGGGGGHHHHHH!
Cartman: AGGHHH! Let me live! AGGGHHH!
Sheila: So now that you're educated about her disease, you won't need to make fun of her. Right, bubbe?
Kyle: Uhhhh... Yeah.
Scene Description: She leaves, and Kyle's eyes follow her. Then he looks forward, then at Kenny. Kenny cracks up.
Scene Description: The dining room. Sheila serves dinner to Gerald as he reads the newspaper.
Sheila: Can you imagine that poor, poor woman?
Gerald: Mm-hmm.
Sheila: Feeling like an outcast, being ridiculed every day...
Gerald: Mm-hmm.
Scene Description: The phone rings and Sheila answers.
Sheila: Hello?
Sharon: Hello, Sheila? It's Sharon, Stan's mother.
Scene Description: Stan is screaming and running around the house.
Sheila: Oh, yes. Hello, Sharon.
Sharon: Sheila, I was just wondering if you might know why my son is trying to split his head open with an ice pick?
Scene Description: Randy chases him down.
Stan: No! I have to get it out!
Sheila: Well, Sharon, I was just trying to educate them about conjoined twin myslexia.
Sharon: So this is your fault.
Stan: ARRRGGGGGGGHHHHHH!
Randy: Damn it, stop.
Scene Description: Stan slips from his grasp and he falls.
Randy: Oh!
Scene Description: Gets up and chases him.
Randy: Damn it!
Sharon: Would you do me a favor? Next time you want to scare the hell out of my child, just go outside and sit in the road until a truck runs you over instead?
Scene Description: Click. Stan runs by again, still screaming and pursued by Randy. Sheila is left with a dial tone.
Sheila: [Undaunted.] That does it! I must educate the entire town about this awful disease!
Gerald: Mm-hmm.
Scene Description: South Park Elementary Gym.
Stan: [To Cartman.] Dude, I don't get it. Why are we playing dodgeball again?
Cartman: Yeah. I thought we only played on Fridays.
Chef: [Arriving with a letter.] Children! Great news! We've been asked to play in the State Finals for dodgeball!
All: Awww...
Stan: Aw, do we have to?
Kyle: Can't we just play with that big parachute again or something?
Chef: You-you don't understand, children. If we can win State, we can play in the Nationals in Washington, D.C.!
Cartman: Heyh! They have a zoo there!
Chef: That's right! Now, come on! We have a lot of practicing to do!
Scene Description: The class separates into teams.
Stan: Aren't we supposed to have won something in order to go to State Finals?
Kyle: Hey, Pip. Do you wanna be on my team again?
Pip: I'd love to!
Cartman: Now, let's try not to send anyone to that monster nurse this time, Frenchy.
Pip: Hey! I get quite disturbed when you call me that! You shouldn't make fun of foreigners.
Scene Description: He turns and walks away.
Pip: And besides, I hate French people.
Scene Description: Chef blows the whistle to begin play. Fosse throws, and Bebe is beaned. The foursome look at her, then laugh while Pip observes.
Scene Description: Principal Victoria's office. She's meeting with Mr. Mackey and Sheila.
Principal Victoria: Well, Mrs. Broflovski, it certainly is a thrill seeing your cheery face again. What seems to be pissing you off today?
Sheila: Nothing is pissing me off! I just wanta start a movement.
Principal Victoria: O-of course you do.
Sheila: I want to talk to you all about your school nurse.
Scene Description: Principal Victoria and Mackey are surprised.
Mr. Mackey: Uh, Nurse Gollum is absolutely qualified to be a-
Sheila: No, no no. I'm not upset about her. I want to make the public aware of her. Her disease should be brought to light so that it can be understood rather than made fun of.
Principal Victoria: Oh, and uh, what disease is that?
Mr. Mackey: Uh, Principal Victoria, Nurse Gollum has conjoined twin myslexia.
Principal Victoria: What's that?
Sheila: She has a dead fetus attached to her head.
Principal Victoria: [Gasp.] She does?
Mr. Mackey: Y-you never noticed that?
Principal Victoria: No-o, I never did.
Sheila: Well, that's exactly what I'm talking about. This poor woman is forced to live in the shadows because she feels like an outcast. It is up to us to make her feel comfortable and welcome in our town!
Principal Victoria: Did you say a fetus, sticking out from her head?
Sheila: I want to invite your nurse to a dinner party at my house this evening. I'd appreciate it if both you and Mr. Mackey would attend.
Mr. Mackey: Do we have to eat kosher stuff?
Principal Victoria: Well, I'll talk to Nurse Gollum, but I'm sure she'll be delighted. Let's say around 8:00?
Sheila: Wonderful!
Principal Victoria: Now, you did say she has a fetus on her head?
Scene Description: A mountain road. The class is on its way to the State Finals.
Chef: [Rising.] Okay children. [Encouraging] Now, who's gonna win the State Finals?
Scene Description: The kids just look at him.
Clyde: Denver?
Chef: Here we go Ca-ows, here we go: Unh, unh! Here we go Ca-ows, here we go: Unh, unh!
Scene Description: The kids just look at him. He looks back, then turns to Ms. Crabtree.
Chef: I think we need to get off on this exit.
Mrs. Crabtre: SIT DOWN, KID!!
Chef: But it's quicker to get to the Denver school that way!
Ms. Crabtree: DO YOU WANT AN OFFICE REFERRAL?!
Chef: How many times do I have to explain this to you?! I'm not a student! You can't give me an office referral, and-!
Ms. Crabtree: I SAID SIT DOOWWN!!!
Chef: [Sits down.] Yes, ma'am.
Scene Description: The kids arrive at Denver Elementary.
Stan: Whoa, dude, this is a school?
Scene Description: The crowd is cheering. Cows fans are scattered among the crowd.
Bob Thomas: Hello, there. I'm Bob Thomas, the coach for the Denver Cougars.
Scene Description: He slaps Chef on the back.
Chef: I'm Chef, coach of the South Park Cows.
Bob Thomas: Well, I certainly want to thank you for bringing your team down. Apparently, nobody else would play us, because they knew we'd just beat 'em silly. So I told the school board to find me some hick school from the mountains, and here you are.
Scene Description: Chef is pissed.
Bob Thomas: You're from South Park, yeah?
Chef: [In a low tone.] Yeah.
Bob Thomas: My G-hod, amazing where people can live nowadays. Well, we might as well get this over with; we've gotta start thinking about D.C. Promise we won't make it too painful.
Scene Description: He slaps Chef on the back again and leaves. Chef wonders, then gets mad again as the whistle blows.
Referee: Play ball!
Scene Description: Dinner at the Broflovski house. Principal Victoria, Mr. Mackey, and Nurse Gollum are there, with her conjoined fetus out of view.
Sheila: So, uhh, where did you get your degree, Nurse Gollum?
Nurse Gollum: Colorado State.
Sheila: Ahhh.
Principal Victoria: Oh.
Scene Description: They resume eating in silence.
Gerald: Sheila, could you pass me the dead fetus?
Scene Description: Sheila looks at Nurse Gollum, then glares at Gerald.
Gerald: I mean, gravy.
Scene Description: Sheila kicks him on the shins.
Gerald: Ow!
Scene Description: Denver Elementary. The Cougars are serving. Player 1 throws the ball, and it hits Token, who goes down.
Token Black: Ow!
Scene Description: The Cougar fans cheer.
Chef: Dammit, come on!
Scene Description: Clyde, Swanson, and Kevin are already out.
Chef: Somebody catch the ball!
Scene Description: Only Pip and the Boys remain.
Bob Thomas: All right, boys, just five more of the little bastards to go!
Scene Description: Player 1 serves again, and the ball hits Cartman in the belly where it gets stuck.
Cartman: I caught it, I caught it!
Player 1: Oh, that's not fair! He's so fat, it stuck in his belly!
Referee 2: South Park on offense!
Chef: Great job, children! Just stay focused now.
Kyle: Go for it, Pip.
Scene Description: Kyle tosses the ball over to Pip.
Pip: Oh, bother.
Kyle: Come on, you Frenchy little frog!
Pip: Gagghh!
Scene Description: Pip hurls the ball at the other team and knocks down players 1 and 13.
Chef: Whoa-ho-ho-ho! Great shot, Pip!
Scene Description: Back at Broflovski's.
Principal Victoria: Eh, sooo, I hear that the South Park Cows are playing for the State Finals in dodgeball tonight.
Mr. Mackey: Yeah, but you know, it-it doesn't matter though. The-the Denver team always wins, m'kay?
Gerald: Oh, I don't know. I think our boys might just have the dead fetus to win- Heart!
Sheila: Gerald!
Scene Description: Sheila smacks him off his chair.
Shiela: Keep your damn mouth shut!
Nurse Gollum: I-it's okay, Ms. Broflovski. Really.
Sheila: [Exhales.] Please forgive us. I-I'm terribly sorry, Nurse Gollum.
Nurse Gollum: No, I'm quite secure with it.
Sheila: I have felt so bad ever since I heard the boys making fun of you-
Nurse Gollum: They're just young boys. Joking is a way for them to come to terms with what they don't understand.
Mr. Mackey: Could I get some more pork?
Principal Victoria: So did you ever think of just, you know, having it cut off?
Nurse Gollum: Yes, Principal Victoria, the thought had occurred to me. Unfortunately, it would mean my death.
Principal Victoria: Ooohh, so I suppose that's out. Uh-how about a hat, then?
Nurse Gollum: No, really, I don't need a-
Sheila: Yes, we could get you a few hats and wear a different one every day. No big whoop.
Nurse Gollum: I really appreciate what you're trying to do here, but it's not necessary. I'm a pretty happy person.
Sheila: I've got it! We could set aside a whole week to make the public aware of folks just like you.
Principal Victoria: Ooohh, yeess, a Conjoined Twin Myslexia Awareness Week. You know, that has a nice ring.
Nurse Gollum: But I really don't think-
Mr. Mackey: Th-the school could put out pamphlets, m'kay? And we could have seminars to educate, m'kay?
Sheila: Ooooh, this is so exciting! I'm gonna get the mayor on the phone right now!
Scene Description: Sheila leaves with Mr. Mackey and Principal Victoria. Nurse Gollum and Gerald look at each other. Gerald winces.
Scene Description: Meanwhile at the Dodgeball State Finals.
Chef: You got just one more, Pip. You get this kid, and we are State Champions.
Cartman: Yeah, and if you don't, you're a big dumb-ass European hippie piece of crap.
Scene Description: Pip gets pissed and winds up.
Kyle: Get him, Frenchy!
Pip: Gaagghh!
Scene Description: Pip hurls the ball across the court where it hits player 6 on the nose. The player goes down.
Referee 2: South Park wins!
Scene Description: Coach Thomas is in utter disbelief as the victory music plays.
Chef: We did it, children, we did it! We're going to Washington, D.C.!
Player 6: Uh-hu-hu-hu-howieee!
Scene Description: A group of parents looks on as an injured player on the opposing team writhes on the floor in pain.
Player 6: It hur-hurts! Owieee!
Scene Description: Two clowns come out with a stretcher and place it next to him.
Player 6: Mommy, it huurts! I-it hur-hurts!
Scene Description: The clowns do a little jig, and the parents laugh. The clowns place him on the other side of the stretcher, then pick up the stretcher and walk away. The boy is left on the floor. The parents applaud.
Chef: Oh, sorry about whoopin' your ass there, Coach! Oooh, baby, come on Just whooped Denver's ass Gonna need some cream for your ass It's all swollen and red
Scene Description: Chef dances, and shows off his butt several times. He also turns to make sure Coach Thomas is watching.
Scene Description: Meanwhile, at the South Park Town Square.
Mayor McDaniels: Ladies and gentlemen, this is indeed a great week for South Park. Ms. Hermans has opened the east wing of the library, and our own South Park Cows Elementary School Dodgeball Team is going to the national finals...
Scene Description: The crowd cheers wildly.
Mayor McDaniels: ...where they will undoubtedly be beaten senseless by the Washington team.
Scene Description: The Broflovskis are not amused. The crowd quiets down.
Mayor McDaniels: But most importantly, this week has brought to my attention a very serious and dreaded disease: conjoined twin myslexia. And so it is in honor of this that I declare this exciting week as Conjoined Twin Myslexia Week!
Scene Description: The crowd cheer louder.
Mayor McDaniels: And now, let's kick off our week long festivities with the first annual Grand Conjoined Parade!
Scene Description: More cheering. There are people on rooftops all over the square cheering as well.
Mayor McDaniels: Let's hear it for these brave souls!
Scene Description: The band starts playing festive music. The crowd cheers up and down as Nurse Gollum walks down the street, alone. She looks around and waves.
Mayor McDaniels: What a glorious parade that was! Let's hear it for the parade coordinators!
Scene Description: Nine men are shown, and they cheer back. Nurse Gollum is now next to Mayor McDaniels at the podium.
Nurse Gollum: You know, Mayor, I really should be accompanying those kids to Washington in case they get hurt. That is my job.
Mayor McDaniels: [The mic is still on.] Nonsense. This is your week. You aren't going anywhere.
Scene Description: Somewhere near Washington, D.C. The bus is going through a lovely meadow.
Chef: How much further is Washington, D.C.?
Mrs. Crabtree: SIT DOWN, KID!!
Chef: I need to know how far it is, lady!
Mrs. Crabtree: I SAID SIT DOWN!!!
Chef: [Grumbling.] Yeah, whatever, you old, dried-up, fat hog.
Mrs. Crabtree: WHAT DID YOU SAY?!
Chef: I said, "I've always wanted to visit Prague."
Mrs. Crabtree: Oh, me too.
Scene Description: Clyde munches away.
Stan: [To Kyle.] Okay, what have you got?
Kyle: Some hadka fish, some gafagga...
Cartman: [Quickly.] I got a jelly roll! I got a jelly roll!
Scene Description: Kenny pulls out a bone.
Stan: Sweet! A jelly roll is perfect!
Scene Description: Stan takes one end of a short bungee cord while Cartman holds the other end.
Stan: Places!
Scene Description: Stan gives his end to Kyle and takes the jelly roll. He places the jelly roll in the makeshift slingshot, pulls back, and fires away. All three smile as the roll flies forward. It hits Mrs. Crabtree on the back of her head.
Ms. Crabtree: ARRRRRRGGGGHHHH!!!
Scene Description: She loses control of the bus as it careens down the road.
Kids: Whoa!
Kenny: (Sheesh!)
Scene Description: A tourist sees the bus coming his way and tries to get out of the way, but the bus crashes into the Vietnam Memorial's right wall, and the engine bursts into flames. He was thrown to one side. The right wall drops down three feet, taking the front end of the bus with it and raising the back of the bus off the ground five feet. Both front doors fall off.
Scene Description: Ulysses Grant Elementary. Inside, the gym is filled with championship banners going back to 1987 hang from the rafters. Posters line the walls.
Chef: Damn, man. This is the big time, alright.
Stan: Chef, we're hungry.
Chef: You can eat after the game. You children win this one, and you're National Champions! Then you can go on and play the Chinese.
Cartman: My mom says there's a lot of black people in China.
Chef: What?
Referee: Are you Chef?
Chef: Yeah.
Referee: The Washington team has forfeited the game. Congratulations, you're national champions.
Chef: What? We did it! Children, we won!
Kyle: Wow, that was easy.
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, let's hear a round of applause for the new national champions of dodgeball, the South Park Cows!
Scene Description: Everyone boos as Kyle rushes over to the opposing team.
Kyle: Hey, why did you guys forfeit?
Player: You mean you don't know?
Kyle: Know what?
Player: Last year's national champions were the Austin Pirates. They played China for the world championship. Only four of them came back alive. Chinese dodgeball players aren't like us.
Scene Description: A temple scene comes up. A squad of Chinese kids are exercising as their master gives orders. Some of them are being acrobatic, others throw solid kettle-bells at each other.
Master: Bush langli. Woon taun. Waya ching gia!
Player: [Voice-over.] They do nothing but dodgeball, day in, and day out. They use steroids and advanced training equipment to make them, not kids, but animals.
Scene Description: Each kid is handed a bowling ball, which he or she throws against a brick wall. The wall crumbles further with every throw. The scene fades, and the foursome are standing there, awed.
Player: Well, good luck. We've got our futures to think about.
Scene Description: He hops off and leaves as Chef comes over.
Chef: Okay, children, back in the bus.
Scene Description: South Park City Hall. Many people are seated at table waiting for the evening's events to unfold.
Mayor McDaniels: And so, at this honorary dinner we take a look back at our beloved Nurse Gollum and the brave life she has lived. Roll the tape, please, Mr. Garrison.
Scene Description: He starts up the player. He's in a nice tuxedo. Nurse Gollum is quite embarrassed as she sits with Sharon in the crowd.
Nurse Gollum: Oh, no..!
Singer: [The video begins.] You've got the strength, you've got the courage Even with a dead fetus on your head You carry on You fight for tomorrow Dead fetus or no, you never let go You're my conjoined-twin-dead-thing-hanging-off-your-head woman
Scene Description: Scenes from the video: She's painting her house orange, and annoyed that Garrison is filming it. She looks out the window, and is annoyed that he is still there, filming. She's in her office. She's at the supermarket, annoyed, she's trying to cover the camera lens so Garrison would stop filming. At the post office, she's trying to shoo him away, she's very angry that he's filming her. She's on the toilet, and she clamps her legs shut, with hands before them for added security. She's outraged.
Scene Description: There are sobs here and there, a smattering of applause.
Barbrady: Oh, that was so touching.
Mayor McDaniels: [With envelope in hand.] And now, friends, it's time to present the Lifetime Conjoined Twin Achievement Award. This award goes to outstanding conjoined twins who have made a mark on society. And the winner is... [Reaches into the envelope.]
Nurse Gollum: [Derisively.] Nurse Gollum.
Mayor McDaniels: Nurse Gollum!!
Scene Description: The room applauds and the spotlight moves from the Mayor to the nurse.
Nurse Gollum: Oh, boy.
Jimbo: [Interrupting.] Excuse me, Mayor, but I just received some news that you might all be interested in.
Scene Description: Jimbo takes the microphone.
Jimbo: Our South Park Cows have just beaten the Washington dodgeball team, and are on their way to the world championship in China.
Scene Description: The crowd erupts in applause, meanwhile somewhere near China. The bus is going down a slope.
Chef: Okay, children, now, we're almost to China. I want you all to try and focus on your game.
Stan: But Chef, we don't wanna play the Chinese!
Chef: Nonsense! If we win this one, we're world champions.
Kyle: But we could get killed!
Chef: And just what price would you pay for eternal glory?
Scene Description: Stan and Kyle fall silent.
Chef: Just imagine: a big yellow "Dodgeball Champions" banner hanging in the cafeteria! Imagine it!
Stan: Dude, Chef has lost it.
Chef: You'll be in the news all over the world. South Park will finally have a sport that it's good at. Ohh, children, it'll be glorious!
Cartman: So, Captain Ahab has to get his whale, huh?
Scene Description: Chef looks at him.
Kyle: Dude, what does that mean?
Cartman: I dunno.
Stan: Hey, isn't that kid Kevin Chinese?
Scene Description: Kevin looks back.
Kyle: Yeah, you're from China.
Kevin Stoley: No, I'm from America. My parents are Chinese.
Stan: Tell us how the Chinese play dodgeball!
Kevin: I have no idea, dude.
Cartman: Come on, rice picker!
Chef: Hey, hey hey!
Scene Description: Cartman hides his hands.
Chef: Children, that's not cool! You don't make fun of somebody because of their ethnicity.
Stan: You don't?
Kyle: But Chef, you just ripped on Chinese people.
Chef: No, no, no, no, no, that's different. I made fun of them because they are from China. You see, it's not okay to make fun of an American because they're black, brown, or whatever, but it is okay to make fun of foreigners because they are from another country.
Stan, Kyle: Ohhh.
Cartman: [At the same time.] Oooh, I get it.
Kevin: [Vindicated.] Yeah.
Scene Description: The bus has reached the temple. On the side is a banner that reads: Go Cows!
Mrs. Crabtree: [Slamming on the brakes.] AAAGGGGHHHH!
Chinese commentator: Hiit ita wita great pride, that huwe huwelcome ourn American friend. Now let the...
Scene Description: He thumps the table, and his partner's mic falls.
Chinese commentator: ...champion of dodgeball be deshide!
Scene Description: His partner resets the mic, a muscular man bangs away on a kodo drum, and musicians next to him start playing. The crowd cheers, and dancers come up and unfurl streamers.
Stan: Damn, dude. China's fucked up.
Referee: Take places!
Chef: All right, let's go, Cows! Let's show 'em what we've got!
Chinese commentator: Okay, Tom, rooks rike A-mericans are getting ready to play. I don't suppose they'll have any problems seeing the ball with their big American eyes!
Scene Description: They laugh.
Tom: Yeah. Good thing they have those big eyes so that they don't have to rery on that amazing American interrect.
Scene Description: He laughs.
Chinese commentator: Oh, you say such things.
Tom: That's a zinger!
Referee: Praaayyy braal!
Scene Description: The Chinese serve. The first one out is Clyde, who tumbles all the way to the wall.
Chef: Holy crap..!
Scene Description: Kyle is hit, twice, before he goes down.
Chef: God damn...
Chinese commentator: Hey, hey, what do you call white American person with PhD in a physics and-a math?
Tom: Ah, I don't know. What?
Chinese commentator: Stupid American!
Scene Description: He laughs.
Tom: Aw, no way!!
Scene Description: Tom starts laughing.
Scene Description: A Chinese player takes aim at Cartman, who turns and runs away squealing. The ball gets him anyway, and he tumbles away.
Chinese commentator: Oooh, another American is down! It's numbuh- uuhhh... Oh, I don't know. All American look alike!
Scene Description: They laugh, as a Chinese player serves and hits Kenny with such force that the ball picks him up and splatters him against the wall, then bounces up and away. Paint falls away and cracks are left in the wall. Blood pours out quickly. The crowd jumps up and cheers.
Stan: Oh my God, they killed Kenny!
Kyle: [Laying on his side and out of breath.] You... bastards...
Chinese commentator: Oooh, my, I haven't seen an American die like that since Abraham Lincoln!
Scene Description: He chuckles.
Tom: Dude, that is-a not cool! You're gonna get us into trouble again.
Scene Description: South Park Town Square. The town is assembled yet again.
Mayor McDaniels: Ladies and gentlemen, on this fourth day of Conjoined Twin Myslexia Week, all our prayers are with our little South Park Cows now playing their hearts out in China.
Scene Description: The town cheers.
Mayor McDaniels: Now, join me in saluting our Cows and help make Nurse Gollum not feel like an outcast with our first official Conjoined Twin Myslexia hats!
Scene Description: One of her aides passes out the hats as an organ plays. Nurse Gollum just watches.
Scene Description: Meanwhile, in China, at the Temple, Chef is tending to his injured players. Kyle is hooked up to an IV. The other players are bandaged up according to the severity of their injuries.
Chinese commentator: And there is-a only a one South Park prayer left.
Scene Description: Pip stands alone on the court, Kenny is still plastered to the wall behind him.
Chinese commentator: Still all Chinese prayer. This should be over veerry shortly.
Chinese kid: Come on! Throw ball!
Tom: Hey, you wanna hear my impersonation of American?
Chinese commentator: Yeah, yeah!
Tom: Ah, okay.
Scene Description: Tom puts his hands to his eyelids and opens them wide to simulate American eyes, and talks in a deep voice.
Tom: Hey, I really, really want that. That looks good.
Scene Description: They have a good laugh.
Chinese commentator: Hey, hey. Let me try, let me try.
Scene Description: He sets up with a deep voice.
Chinese commentator: I'll use my credit card.
Scene Description: They laugh harder, and he resumes.
Chinese commentator: Eh-eh-uh... Do you have any non-dairy creamer?
Scene Description: They both laugh.
Tom: Yes yes! [Laughs.] Y'all come a-back now, you hear?
Scene Description: They laugh so hard they fall from their chairs.
Chef: [Crestfallen.] Oh, what have I done?
Scene Description: Cartman comes over and sits next to him.
Chef: You know, Eric, I just realized something. I have been obsessed, and obsession isn't good.
Scene Description: Cartman bites into a chocolate bar.
Chef: If we had won the world championship, what then?
Scene Description: Kevin walks off.
Chef: It would only be a bigger letdown the next year if we didn't win! Our lives would have to revolve around dodgeball. Our lives were fine before.
Scene Description: Cartman farts and tries to fan it away.
Chef: Oh, I'm sorry, children. I let it all go to my head. Can you ever forgive me?
Scene Description: The kids are stunned at this sudden reversal of desire.
Chef: Come on, forget this stupid game. Let's go home.
Chinese kid: Come on! Throw ball!
Kevin: [Walking over to player 70.] Hey, if you wanna make him throw the ball, say this.
Scene Description: Kevin hands him a note to read.
Player 70: Thanks, you American dumbass! [Reads it.] "You French piece of crap! Throw ball!"
Scene Description: Pip gets angry.
Player 70: "What's the matter, Frenchy? You got crepes in your ears."
Scene Description: The Chinese team laughs. Pip gets livid rather quickly.
Pip: Arrggghhh!
Scene Description: Pip starts spinning. The Chinese team watches as Pip picks up speed, and the players gasp. Pip releases the ball and it shoots all over the temple stadium, knocking out players left and right, until all of them are down. Pip slows down, and finally stops.
Chinese commentator: And the winner is South Park Cows!
Scene Description: Musicians play.
Pip: Everyone! Everyone, look! I won the game! We're world champions! Mr. Chef, Mr. Chef. South Park is the world champion in dodgeball. Oh, glorious day!
Scene Description: The South Park team is limping off the court, with Kyle taking his IV along.
Chef: Shut up, Pip.
Stan: Yeah, shut up, Pip. [To Chef.] Can we go home now?
Pip: Did you all see? I can't believe I threw such a ball with my own arm. It was-
Kids, Chef: Shut up, Pip!
Scene Description: South Park Town Square. The mayor is on stage.
Mayor McDaniels: As this year's Conjoined Twin Myslexia Awareness Week draws to a close, I would like to personally thank all of you for your enthusiastic cooperation.
Scene Description: The crowd cheers.
Mayor McDaniels: Now, let's hear it one more time for our world champion South Park Cows!
Scene Description: The team is standing behind a low wall with a trophy at one end, next to Chef. Kyle is dressed normally but still bandaged.
Kyle: What the hell is everyone wearing on their heads?
Mayor McDaniels: And now, let's hear from the woman of the week! The incredible, courageous Nurse Gollum!
Kyle: Agghh!
Stan: Dude, it's the freak nurse!
Cartman: Holy crap!
Sheila: Dammit, Kyle! We've been working all week against that kind of behavior!
Kyle: Well sorry, dude, we weren't here.
Nurse Gollum: Thank you, Mayor. I uhhh, wa-I... I don't know what to say; this has been quite a week.
Sheila: [Wiping away a tear.] She's really touched.
Nurse Gollum: What I really wanna say is... well, -egh- This may sound odd coming from a woman with a fetus sticking out of her head, but... you're all a bunch of freaks!
Scene Description: The crowd is stunned, Mayor McDaniels takes the mic from Nurse Gollum.
Mayor McDaniels: Uhhh, freaks with big hearts! And now-
Nurse Gollum: Don't you realize that the last thing I ever wanted was to be singled out?
Scene Description: Sheila and Father Maxi look betrayed.
Nurse Gollum: I just wanted to do my job and live my life like any normal person, but instead you've made everybody focus on my handicap all week long.
Scene Description: More people look at each other.
Nurse Gollum: Look, I don't want to be treated different. I don't want to be treated special orh-or treated gingerly. I just want to be ridiculed, shouted at, and made fun of like all the rest of you do to each other.
Scene Description: People are listening.
Nurse Gollum: And take those stupid things off your heads!
Scene Description: She turns and walks off the stage.
Principal Victoria: Oh, my, what an ungrateful bitch.
Sheila: Yeah, the nerve of some people.
Kyle: Hey, you know, that nurse is actually pretty cool.
Stan: Yeah, maybe that dead fetus makes her smarter.
Cartman: I love you guys.
Scene Description: Stan and Kyle merely look at him and say nothing.
Cartman: Ah, screw you guys!


Scene Description: A television is on, and a new show seems to be on the air.
Announcer: And now back to Huntin' and Killin' with South Park's favorite hunters, Jimbo and Ned!
Scene Description: Jimbo and Ned are on a studio based on a hunting lodge. Jimbo and Ned each have weapons, Ned's flamethrower is even lit, ready to go.
Jimbo: Hi, I'm Jimbo Kern, and this here is Ned. Say hi, Ned.
Ned: M-hi, Ned.
Jimbo: Arrgh-ha-ha-ha! Now, isn't that great?
Scene Description: The cameraman give him a thumbs up.
Jimbo: We have a terrific show for you today: we're gonna kill some elk, and we're gonna kill some mountain goats. Now, the new law passed by Colorado legislature, which Ned and I call "Pussy Law #4", states that we can no longer kill animals in defense. "PUSSY LAW #4" NO ANIMAL SHALL BE HARMED, EVEN IN SELF DEFENSE, UNLESS SPECIFIC LICENSE AND SEASON IS IN ORDER. SELF DEFENSE CAN ONLY BE JUSTIFIED BY EXTREME, PROVABLE PERIL AND OR DOCUMENTED VISIBLE BODILY HARM. In other words, our old line of, "It's comin' right for us"-
Ned: It's comin' right for us.
Jimbo: -no longer works. So now, we only kill animals to, quote, "thin out their numbers". If we don't hunt, then these animals will grow too big in number and they won't have enough food. So you see, we have to kill animals, or else they'll die.
Scene Description: An awkward moment. Jimbo, Ned and the cameraman look at each other.
Jimbo: Uhh... So roll the tape.
Scene Description: A trill, and the tape shows a field into which Jimbo and Ned wander.
Jimbo: Here we are at Schaefer's Crossing, lookin' for some animals.
Jimbo: Lookie, Ned, there's some deers!
Scene Description: A group of deer looks up and stares at them.
Jimbo: Quick, Ned! Thin out their numbers!
Ned: Thin out their numbers!
Scene Description: Walks up to the deer and fires up the flamethrower, producing a huge flame. The deer are incinerated where they stand, and their bones crumble.
Jimbo: Good work, Ned. Now they won't starve.
Jimbo: That sure was a great hunting trip. We saved those deer from extinction.
Ned: Mmm-we're environmentalists.
Jimbo: Comin' up next, we're gonna drop some napalm on an unsuspecting family of beavers. And also, try to thin out the numbers of some endangered species.
Scene Description: South Park Elementary. Class is in session. Mr. Garrison writes "Vietnam" on the blackboard.
Cartman: Mr. Garrison, what's Vietnam?
Mr. Garrison: "What's Vietnam?" A question a child might ask, but not a childish question. Heheheheheheheheheh. Children, for the next few days, we'll be learning all about Vietnam. Chances are that somebody in your own lives was affected by this incredible war.
Mr. Hat: That's right, Mr. Garrison. The Vietnam War was sticky and icky.
Scene Description: Kyle raises his hand.
Kyle: Mr. Garrison, were you in Vietnam?
Scene Description: Mr. Garrison frowns as he seems to recall an incident in that war. An injured man is dragged to a helicopter as fresh troops wait to replace him.
Injured Man: Aaawwwgh... Aaawwwgh...
Leader: Come on, men! Let's go! Jump out of the chopper!
Scene Description: The class is waiting. Now Mr. Garrison is smiling as the next scene begins. A group of men is seen disrobed and bathing. At the end of it, he laughs to himself.
Man 1: Who's next to take a shower?
Man 2: Me-ee!
Man 3: I am.
Man 1: You just took one last week, silly.
Man 2: Oh, where can I hide this big pipe?
Mr. Garrison: No, I wasn't in Vietnam, but sometimes, I like to pretend I was. Anyway, children, I'm going to assign you all a paper.
Class: Awww..!
Cartman: Son of a bitch.
Mr. Garrison: I want you all to find somebody in your own life who was in Vietnam and interview them about it.
Clyde: What if we don't know anybody who was in Vietnam?
Mr. Garrison: Then you get an F, fail the third grade, and have to get a job cleaning septic tanks to support your drug habit.
Clyde: Oh.
Stan: Dude, my uncle Jimbo was in Vietnam.
Kyle: Hey, yeah! He and Ned do that stupid TV show.
Scene Description: Back to Huntin' and Killin, in a special segment...
Jimbo: And now, time for Jimbo's Mysteries of the Unexplained.
Scene Description: The letters are wavy and uneven. The boys come to see the taping.
Jimbo: One of our loyal viewers from South Park sent us some 8mm film of what he claims to be the Mexican Staring Frog of Southern Sri Lanka. Now, as you all know, the Mexican Staring Frog of Southern Sri Lanka can supposedly kill you with one horrid gaze. If a person even so much as looks into the frog's eyes, they can be paralyzed, or even die. And this film proves that that frog may very well exist.
Scene Description: The film plays. Shown is a snowy field, with the camera looking from behind some blades of grass.
Jimbo: Now watch carefully, you're gonna see the Mexican staring frog.
Scene Description: Nothing seems to be happening.
Jimbo: There! There, did you see it? Roll that back again!
Scene Description: The film is replayed.
Jimbo: Now, freeze it!
Scene Description: The film is paused, and there is a very blurry object flying through the air.
Jimbo: Well, I'd like to know what all you skeptics have to say now! What do you think, Ned?
Ned: M-whoa, I'm scared.
Jimbo: Well, be sure to join us next time. Until then... We're so glad you spent your time with us While we slaughtered our way through nature's guts Come again and stay a while We'll kill a lot more living things to make them bleed
Ned: Mm-good night.
Cameraman: A-and we're cut. Great show, guys.
Jimbo: Oh, lookie who's here. My little nephew Stanley.
Scene Description: The boys approach him.
Jimbo: So, you're interested in your Uncle Jimbo's big TV show, huh?
Stan: No. We have to do a stupid report on Vietnam. You and Ned are the only guys we know who were there.
Jimbo: Oh. Yeah, we sure were.
Cartman: Was it fun?
Kyle: Cartman! What kind of stupid-ass question is that?! Of course it was fun!
Jimbo: Well, sure, Vietnam was fun. But not like goin-to-the-circus fun, or fly-fishin-in-Montana fun. No, Vietnam was more like shovin' shards of broken glass up your ass and then sittin' in a tub of Tabasco sauce fun.
Stan: Whoa!
Jimbo: Yepper, that's where me and Ned met.
Scene Description: Flashback to circa 1975, to a beach. A man write something on a notebook as helicopters take turns landing on a helipad below. An amusement park is just to the right, with a carousel and a log ride. A log comes into view with screaming riders. "Time of the Season" by The Zombies, plays.
Jimbo: I remember I had just gotten off the Ferris wheel.
Jimbo: Oh, boy, what a gorgeous day!
Scene Description: A bird alights on his upper arm and sings to him. He whistles back.
Sergeant: Kern, get over here! The new privates are here. I'm assigning one of them to you as a trainee. Ned Gerblansky.
Scene Description: The crowd parts to reveal him.
Ned: Ned Gerblansky reporting, sir.
Sergeant: Thanks, Ned. Now, the bad guys have been spotted about ten klicks north of here. I know that you and Kern are best suited to take them out. Are you up for it?
Jimbo, Ned: Sir, yes, sir!
Scene Description: Actual footage of a helicopter flying off is shown.
Jimbo: Soon it was all on just me and Ned to win the war for America.
Jimbo: Pass me some more cocoa, will you, Ned?
Ned: Certainly. And would you like another muffin as well?
Jimbo: Why the hell not? We're at war.
Scene Description: Ned hands them over, then sits back, pulls out a cigarette and lighter, and lights the cigarette.
Jimbo: Hey, you know those things are bad for your throat.
Ned: No, that's all lies. I'll be fine. Charlies at 2 o'clock!
Scene Description: Jimbo studies the troop movements on the ground.
Jimbo: I see 'em! Drop the bomb!
Scene Description: Ned pulls the trigger, but nothing happens.
Ned: The bomb's not releasing!
Jimbo: Oh, no!
Ned: It won't budge.
Jimbo: Then we only have one option.
Scene Description: Jimbo forces the plane down.
Ned: What are you doing, man?!
Jimbo: We have to take 'em out, Ned! At all costs! Die, you red commie bastards!
Scene Description: Comes in for a crash landing, and enemy troops are running out of their way. Jimbo and Ned come out and shoot everyone they can. The enemy soldiers die on the spot. Ned pulls out a grenade to activate and throw at other enemy troops, but it goes off prematurely and takes off his right arm.
Ned: [His arm flies away.] Yaaarrrggghhh!!!
Jimbo: [Firing away.] Aaarrrggghh- Oh no! Out of ammo!
Scene Description: Jimbo reaches behind himself and pulls out a sword. A horse with golden mane and tail trots in. Ned fights off the enemy troops with his good arm and martial arts skill, and Jimbo flies onto the horse. He sallies forth and decapitates every soldier he comes across. When the enemy soldiers are all dead, Jimbo puts the sword away, and they look at the corpses around them.
Jimbo: We did it, Ned! We killed the entire Vietcong Army!
Ned: Whoopie.
Scene Description: Ned brings out a cigarette and lights it with his good hand.
Jimbo: Let's get back to base camp. We can ride the log ride before it closes!
Scene Description: Ned flies onto the horse behind Jimbo, and horse and riders leap gracefully away, as we return to the present.
Jimbo: And that's the way it happened, boys.
Stan: Wow!
Cartman: Man, Vietnam was sweet!
Cameraman: [Reading a magazine.] Great news, guys. Your TV show ratings have doubled!
Jimbo: Wow!
Cameraman: They've gone from six people to twelve.
Jimbo: Holy smokes! We could get an Emmy!
Scene Description: South Park Public Access. The set of Jesus and Pals.
Producer: We've got to do it, J. Your ratings are being killed by the Jimbo and Ned Hunting Show.
Jesus: But I don't really care about that.
Producer: Wuhell, you'd better care, Mr. Smarty Pants. No ratings means no show. If you want to keep reaching out to people, you have to keep up with the times.
Jesus: [Reluctantly.] Ohh, alright.
Cameraman: Alright, we're ten second to air, guys.
Producer: Remember, big, big, big!.
Scene Description: She holds up her hands and moves them apart with each 'big.' Then she walks off.
Cameraman: And five, four, three...
Scene Description: Spotlight beams dance around the studio.
Announcer: [Applause] It's your hour of power on midday Mountain Cable Access. Put your hands together and welcome the only man in town who always has a fully-stocked wine cellar, Jeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-sus Christ!
Scene Description: Jesus is caught off guard as a spotlight jumps to him.
Jesus: Uhhh... Hi.
Scene Description: His producer signals him to build up his intro.
Jesus: Uh, yeh-yeah, okay. Beginning today, we're taking the show in a new direction.
Scene Description: A stage hand guides him through with the cue cards.
Jesus: We've got some very interesting people coming on the show this week for you, our viewers. Today's guest is: TV's Gilligan, Mr. Bob Denver.
Scene Description: Applause, as the curtains open.
Announcer: Here's Booooobbb Denver.
Scene Description: He makes his way to Jesus. They shake hands and sit down.
Jesus: Hi, Bob Denver.
Bob: Hi, Jesus. Great to be here.
Scene Description: His tongue is exposed. There is a pause as they look at each other.
Jesus: So. Bob. So, yu-you just get in town?
Bob: Yup. Just got in.
Jesus: [Pause.] So... Um... Su-so, wwhat have you been up to?
Bob: Nn-nothing. Nothing really at all.
Scene Description: The producer cues the studio and to play.
Disciples vocalist: 'Nothin' from nothin' leaves nothin' You gotta have something
Jesus: [Cynically.] Oh boy.
Scene Description: South Park Elementary. Stan is presenting his group's report, reading from his notes.
Stan: "...and after killing the entire Vietcong Army, they returned to base camp."
Scene Description: Mr. Garrison is behind Clyde.
Stan: "Once there, they rode the Devil's Drop roller coaster."
Scene Description: Mr. Garrison gets a reaction.
Stan: "...and ate cotton candy. And ultimately, Ned got the Purple Heart for his courageous defense of the log ride."
Scene Description: Mr. Garrison is suspicious.
Stan: "So was the horror of Vietnam." The end.
The Boys: The end.
Kyle: Are there any questions?
Scene Description: Mr. Garrison raises his hand.
Kyle: Yes, Mr. Garrison?
Mr. Garrison: Yes. [Suddenly angry.] Where the fuck did you hear this ridiculous load of bullshit?
Scene Description: The boys' grins vanish.
Stan: From Vietnam veterans.
Mr. Garrison: Well, boys, it's obvious to me that you didn't do your work, and that you stayed up all night thinking up some ridiculous lie.
Stan: No, no, we didn't-
Mr. Garrison: You all receive an F...minus.
Kyle: F-minus? Can he do that?
Stan: Bu-but we're not making it up, it was-
Mr. Garrison: Stanley, the Vietnam War was war! There weren't galloping steeds or singing birds or log rides.
Kyle: How do you know? You weren't even there.
Mr. Garrison: Well, that's it! All of you have detention for the rest of the week!
Boys: Aawwww!
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, cafeteria. Mr. Mackey is supervising detention.
Cartman: Sweet.
Mr. Mackey: Welcome to detention, m'kay? Mr. Garrison told me about your little joke. It's important for you all to know why you're in detention for you to obtain the full benefits from it.
Cartman: You're dead, Stan.
Stan: For what, dude?
Kenny: (Just face it, dude, your uncle's stupid!)
Mr. Mackey: [While the boys talk softly.] You're here because you are inferior, m'kay? You are here because you are awkward, m'kay?
Cartman: Well, Stan, thanks a lot for having such a cool uncle that got us all detention for a week.
Kyle: Yeah, dude, your Uncle Jimbo sucks ass!
Mr. Mackey: Shh! M'kay?
Stan: Why would he just invent a story instead of telling us the truth?
Cartman: Well, let's see... Maybe 'cause he's an old, drunk hillbilly dick!
Mr. Mackey: Shh! M'kay?
Kyle: [Pounds the table.] We've got to get him back, dude.
Cartman: Totally.
Stan: How?
Kyle: Well, he screwed us by makin' something up; I say we do the same thing.
Stan: Well, what do you mean?
Kyle: Did you guys ever see that one Brady Bunch where the guy... [Indistinct whisper.]
Cartman: [As Kyle whispers his plot.] Sweet. Oh, yeah, sweet. That's super sweet. Ah-yes!
Scene Description: Jimbo and Ned back on the set.
Announcer: And now back to Huntin' and Killin' with South Park's favorite hunters, Jimbo and Ned!
Jimbo: Welcome, hunters. Boy, have we got a show for you today! We have just received a tape from another viewer who filmed the Mexican staring frog of Southern Sri Lanka right here in South Park.
Ned: Aggghhh!
Jimbo: Yes, now we're about to roll the film, but remember: if you look the Mexican staring frog in the eyes, you could go catatonic. We don't know if this applies to pictures of the frog or not, but who wants to take chances? So when we roll this film, be sure to look away.
Scene Description: Jimbo looks away and shields his eyes with his arm. Ned does the same.
Jimbo: Okay, roll the film, Tom.
Scene Description: Tom starts the film and looks away. The footage is that of a fake frog sitting on a doorstep motionless.
Jimbo: Is it over? Okay, it's over.
Scene Description: They lower their arms and sit up.
Jimbo: Well, there you have it. Undeniable proof that the Mexican staring frog of Southern Sri Lanka exists.
Scene Description: Cartman residence. The boys are watching the show.
Jimbo: And you saw it here, on The Jimbo and Ned Show.
Kyle: Dude, I can't believe they fell for it!
Stan: Yeah, what a couple of dumb-asses.
Kenny: (Yeah, it's like killing a dead pig and a turkey.)
Scene Description: They all laugh.
Stan: Yeah.
Kyle: Come on! We've gotta make another one!
Scene Description: The boys get off the couch and leave.
Cartman: Lying kicks ass!
Scene Description: South Park Public Access. Meanwhile...
Producer: Jesus!
Jesus: Yeah?
Producer: We're in trouble. The Jimbo and Ned Show made up some ridiculous staring frog story and jumped another two points in the ratings!
Jesus: Uh-oh, sssooo what are we supposed to do?
Producer: I don't know. We'll have to continue with the changes we've made, and then go even further.
Stage Hand: And we're back in five, four, three...
Producer: Remember, big, big, big!
Scene Description: Jesus and Pals has a new opening sequence, with Jesus walking backwards into view and throwing his jacket over his shoulder. Meanwhile, 'Jesus and Pals' scrolls along the bottom as both his logo drops down from above. His signature blinks here and there. A montage follows with Jesus talking to a monkey in one screen and Jesus waiting for calls in another. The last thing you see is J&P.
Jesus: If you're just joining us, we've been listening to Michelle's incredible story of survival. Go on, Michelle.
Michelle: [Tearfully.] Well, as I was saying, I tried and tried, but my overturned car just won't budge. My husband was trapped for twelve hours.
Jesus: And yet, somehow, he managed to survive.
Michelle: That's right. He's a very brave man, and I love him very much.
Husband: [In a wheelchair, head bandaged.] I love you, too.
Jesus: W-well, let's see if the audience has any questions.
Scene Description: A large woman raises her hand.
Jesus: Yes, uhh, you over there.
Scene Description: Jesus walks down to her.
Large Woman: I think she needs to kick him to the curb, baby!
Scene Description: The audience applauds.
Jesus: Kick who to the curb?
Large Woman: Her no-good husband! She's got to lose that zero and get herself a hero!
Scene Description: The audience applauds.
Jesus: But-
Red-Haired Woman: He wants to have his cake and eat it, too. He's got to dump that trash girlfriend.
Scene Description: She grabs the mic.
Red-Haired Woman: It's all about respect. You've gotta have respect for yourself.
Scene Description: The audience applauds. Michelle is shocked, and her husband drools a little blood.
Jesus: Uuh-I think we've somewhat missed the point here. Let's go to somebody else.
Scene Description: Jesus backs up to an African American.
Jesus: Yes, your comments.
Michael Jackson fan: Montel, I think we're forgetting something very important in all of this. Okay, sure, he touched some children, but the man is a great singer and he has entertained us for so many years.
esus: Wha-what are you talking about?
Michael Jackson fan: Michael Jackson. All this baad-mouthin' and puttin' the man down. Maybe he did touch some children now and then, but come on! It's Michael Jackson! Michael Jackson!
Scene Description: The audience applauds.
Jesus: Uhh, we'll be back right after these messages.
Scene Description: In the woods, the boys set up for another staring frog video. Cartman is behind some bushes and Kyle is in front of them. Stan and Kenny face them.
Stan: Ready, you guys?
Kyle/Cartman: Ready.
Scene Description: Cartman is hiding behind the bush.
Stan: Okay. Action!
Scene Description: The camera rolls, and the frog is dangling from a fishing pole, jumping around. Cartman, holding the pole, speaks in a spooky voice.
Cartman: Blululululululuh. I am the deadly Mexican staring frog of Southern Sri Lanka. I am very scary... And dangerous!
Stan: Cut! Cartman!
Cartman: [Popping up.] What?
Stan: It's supposed to be a frog!
Cartman: I know that!
Stan: Since when do frogs talk, Cartman?
Cartman: [Thinks.] It's a Sri Lanka frog!
Kyle: [Holding the camera.] Der, Cartman!
Cartman: Der yourself, hippie!
Kyle: Just do it again, Cartman, and don't make it talk! [Resumes filming.]
Stan: Okay. Here we go. Ready? Are you ready, Cartman?
Cartman: [Pops up.] I'm ready, Steven Spielberg! [Drops.]
Stan: Action!
Cartman: [Moves the frog around.] Blulululuh. Screw you guys.
Scene Description: Downtown. The boys have Cartman wearing a grey wig, a pink dress, and black high heels.
Cartman: Well, why do I have to dress up like an old lady?
Kyle: 'Cause old ladies are fat and you are, too!
Cartman: Ee-goddammit!
Stan: Come on, Cartman, the way we're filming this, nobody will even know it's you.
Cartman: They better not!
Stan: Okay, when I yell "action", you start to walk this way, then Kenny's going to pull the plastic frog in front of you, and you have to be scared.
Cartman: Scared of a plastic frog?
Stan: It's acting, Cartman. You have to pretend you're really scared, then the Mexican staring frog will look you in the eyes, then you fall down, like you're dead, okay? Ready?
Cartman: Man, this is stupid.
Stan: Good. A-and action!
Scene Description: Kenny walks in front of the camera with the frog, as Cartman screams and falls on his back.
Cartman: Eee-ee-ee-ee!
Scene Description: Jimbo and Ned back on the set.
Jimbo: Well, it appears as though a lot of you "skeptics" thought that the film we showed of the Mexican staring frog of Southern Sri Lanka was a fake. That you say it didn't harm anybody. Well, it just so happens that we just received another film from another anonymous viewer. [Looks away.] Roll it!
Scene Description: The two scenes have been spliced together, except that Cartman falls on his left side, and Kenny added his own touch by mooning the camera.
Jimbo: There you go! Proof that not only is this frog real, but it is doing harm to the people of South Park as we speak!
Ned: Mmmm-damn that frog.
Jimbo: Well, that does it! All this week, Ned and I will be-
Scene Description: South Park Public Access. His producer is watching Huntin' and Killin'.
Jimbo: -risking life and limb as we go on location to hunt the Mexican staring frog of Southern Sri Lanka. Join us, won't ya?
Producer: Ooh, no, no, no, no!
Scene Description: Jesus walks up behind her.
Producer: This is the biggest publicity stunt I've ever seen! Damn, those hunters are clever!
Jesus: Uhhh, clever?
Producer: It's genius, it really is. Hell, I even want to watch them hunt the Mexican staring frog. Unless...
Jesus: Unless what?
Producer: Unless we can prove to the City world that the whole thing is a sham. If we prove that the Mexican staring frog of Southern Sri Lanka is just something..made up by Jimbo and Ned, we can have them taken off the air. Perhaps even killed!
Jesus: Look, why don't we just stick to our own show? People will watch again.
Producer: [Wearily.] Oh, J. You are so omnipotent, and yet so naive. We'll launch a full investigation, and in the meantime, we can cash in on the video tapes.
Jesus: What video tapes?
Scene Description: A commercial begins.
Jesus: Yea, children. I am the way and the light...
Announcer: You've seen Jesus and Pals. Now you've got to get the video!
Scene Description: Jesus and Pals: Too Hot for TV! A man pours some whipped cream on the chest of a topless bikini-clad woman wearing a cowboy hat.
Announcer: Things get a little out of control!
Scene Description: Another guest yells obscenities at another guest, but his mouth is censored.
Announcer: You won't believe your eyes!
Scene Description: Jesus is flanked by two Klansmen as he interviews them.
Announcer: Order now, only $19.95!
Scene Description: Jesus is Lord!!! Visa, MC, and AmEx accepted.
Announcer: Remember, this is stuff you can't see on TV!
Scene Description: Two other women in bikinis take off their tops and dance around. Their breasts are censored with bars saying "TOO HOT!!!"
Scene Description: Next day. Jimbo and Ned with cameraman Tom and producer drive through the town.
Jimbo: Anonymous tip?
Tom: Yeah, it was left on our answering machine. All it said was that they saw the Mexican staring frog just south of Stark's Pond this morning.
Jimbo: Hey, Ned. Remember that time when we got the anonymous tip back in 'Nam?
Tom: You were in 'Nam? Where were you stationed?
Ned: Mmm-Da Nang.
Cameraman: With the log ride?
Jimbo: Yep.
Tom: Man, I was in Tet. We had a bad-ass roller coaster, but... all we ever wanted was a log ride. We waited and we waited, but... they never built us one. I think..Danforth wanted the log ride more than anybody, but he... he had to settle with that lame dinosaur water adventure ride.
Jimbo: That war was hell on everybody.
Scene Description: Tom starts sobbing.
Producer: Good. Okay. Okay, bye! Good news, everybody. This week's ratings are through the roof! We're up to twenty people!
Jimbo: Wow! Do we got more money?
Producer: No, but I do. We're now the highest-rated show on Mountain Cable Access! God bless the Mexican staring frog!
Scene Description: The boys are back in the woods, and their frog is on a small boulder.
Kyle: Dude, they're gonna look so stupid.
Cartman: Dude, totally.
Stan: They deserve it for lying to us, dude.
Cartman: [Relishing the moment.] Revenge is so very, very sweet.
Stan: They're here! Hurry and hide!
Scene Description: They run for cover in a patch of shrubs. Jimbo stops his hummer and the men get out.
Jimbo: Let's hunt!
Producer: We'll start with a two-shot of you and Ned getting your equipment together and-
Ned: Mm-Jimbo, look!
Jimbo: Hit the deck!
Scene Description: They hide behind a snow drift.
Producer: What is it?
Jimbo: It's him! The Mexican staring frog of Southern Sri Lanka. He's right over there on that rock.
Producer: He is?
Jimbo: Dumb-ass! You've got to keep your eyes away from him!
Scene Description: The producer tries to sneak a peek, but Jimbo forces him down again.
Jimbo: Stay down. Ned, you take flight position; I'll try and keep it turned away from you.
Ned: Mm-roger that.
Scene Description: Ned leaves the drift, as Jimbo stands, facing the camera.
Jimbo: Hello, fellow hunters. Have we got a show for you today.
Scene Description: Ned moves behind the cameraman and begins his assault.
Jimbo: The Mexican staring frog is sunning itself on a rock directly behind us.
Scene Description: Ned jumps from behind one tree to behind another.
Jimbo: We've got to take the frog by surprise. I'm gonna create a diversion using this incendiary device, while Ned will ambush him from the rear.
Scene Description: Jimbo pulls the pin out and throws the grenade behind him. It hits the rock, but the plastic frog simply went about face.
Jimbo: Now, Ned! He's not looking!
Scene Description: Ned advances quickly.
Jimbo: Quick, Ned, hit him with the shotgun! Now, Ned!
Scene Description: Silence.
Jimbo: Ned. Ne-ed?
Scene Description: He turns around and draws closer to the rock. He sees Ned, now catatonic, looking at the frog.
Jimbo: Oh, no!
Scene Description: Close-up. Ned's hair stands on end.
Jimbo: Come on, Ned, buddy, snap out of it!
Scene Description: Ned's gun drops from his good arm.
Jimbo: Come back to me, buddy.
Producer: You getting all this?
Scene Description: The cameraman smiles and gives a thumbs up.
Jimbo: Hold onto your butts.
Scene Description: Jimbo fires away at the frog with his shotgun.
Jimbo: Take that, you demon frog!
Scene Description: Jimbo rushes up to Ned.
Jimbo: Ned, Ned? Can you hear me?
Scene Description: He turns to his crew.
Jimbo: Quick! Somebody, call an ambulance! This man is catatonic!
Producer: Get the Flight for Life helicopter!
Scene Description: The boys rise out of the shrubs.
Stan: Holy crap, dude.
Scene Description: Hells Pass Hospital. Jimbo is at Ned's bedside reading to him.
Jimbo: ..."but Ponyboy was beat up pretty bad. He kept saying, 'stay gold.'"
Scene Description: Jimbo closes the book and watches Ned.
Jimbo: Aw, Ned. If you can hear me, y-you've got to snap out of it, 'cause if you don't, uh-I'll never forgive myself.
Scene Description: The boys enter the room.
Jimbo: Aw, Stanley, he's gone! My only friend in the world is gone!
Stan: Dude, he's okay. That frog wasn't even real!
Kyle: Look!
Scene Description: Kyle holds up the plastic frog, which puts Jimbo on guard.
Jimbo: Aghh! What the hell are you doing? I almost looked right at it!
Stan: Dude, it's just a plastic frog; it's not real. Check it out!
Scene Description: Jimbo drops his guard and inspects the frog.
Jimbo: What..?
Stan: We shot all those videos and sent them in.
Kyle: Yeah, we made the whole thing up. It was all just a really, really funny joke! [Grins.]
Jimbo: You sent in those videos?!
Producer: [On the phone.] Oh, this is not good.
Jimbo: My best friend is a vegetable, and I'm gonna be the laughingstock of South Park!
Kyle: Aw, come on. Ned's faking it. That frog was just a piece of plastic!
Stan: Yeah. Come on, Ned. Quit fakin'.
Scene Description: No response from Ned.
Jimbo: You boys don't understand. Ned was so freaked out by the idea of the Mexican staring frog that he must have sent himself into a deep coma.
Scene Description: Jesus' producer is suddenly at the doorway with a satellite listening device.
Jesus' producer: It's a psychosomatic response. [Entering.] I couldn't help overhearing your conversation just now.
Kyle: Who are you?
Jesus' producer: I produce a little TV show called Jesus and Pals, you might have heard of it. Your story is amazing; full of jealousy, duplicity, backstabbing and bitterness.
Jimbo: Uhhhh... Thanks?
Jesus' producer: How would you like to share your remarkable story with us on tomorrow's show?
Scene Description: Jesus and Pals, after a commercial break. Today's topic: Tots in Trouble.
Jesus: We're back with Jimbo and his nephew, Stan. These kids can't stop lying, can't they?
Jimbo: That's right, Jesus. No respect for their elders. As some of you may know, I host a local show on hunting.
Scene Description: A woman claps.
Jimbo: Thanks. We've been hunting the Mexican staring frog for a week based on some video footage we received from a viewer. Well, it turns out that these kids faked the footage!
Jesus: Is that true, Stan?
Stan: It was just a joke; we didn't think it would hurt anybody.
Scene Description: Jesus looks over to see his producer signaling him to call for a break.
Jesus: Uhh, we'll find out more about this debauchery when we return.
Cameraman: A-and we're out.
Scene Description: Jesus walks off the stage, as the producer walks on.
Producer: You're corpses out here! We need a lot more action from everybody!
Jimbo: Like what?
Producer: Like, go ahead and tell how your nephew Stan takes drugs and worships Satan.
Jimbo: Satan. Got it.
Stan: Whoa, I don't take drugs and worship Satan! That's lying!
Jimbo: Give you a taste of your own medicine, you little fibber!
Producer: And you kids! I didn't bring you on this show to be boring. Somebody get pissed off and throw a chair at Ned here.
Scene Description: Cartman raises his hand.
Cartman: Dibs!
Producer: Remember, you all start to fight after the chair is thrown. That's your cue.
Jimbo: Roger.
Scene Description: The theme music plays again and the crowd applauds for the next segment. Action.
Jesus: Welcome back to Jesus and Pals. Jimbo, why do you think little Stanley lies?
Jimbo: I'll tell you why. Because he's on drugs and worships the devil!
Scene Description: The audience and Stan gasp.
Audience: Jeesus! Jeesus! Jeesus!
Jesus: Wow. Now, Stanley, it sound like your uncle is really worried about you.
Stan: Well, I only..did it 'cause... he..molested me.
Scene Description: Jesus' jaw drops. The audience boos, and the sound man and the director high-five each other.
Jimbo: Why, you little piece of crap!
Stan: You big piece of crap!
Cartman: That's it! Now I'm all pissed off!
Scene Description: Cartman takes his chair and throws it at Ned.
Cartman: Take that, hippie!
Scene Description: The chair hits Ned, who continues to just sit there.
Jimbo: Hey!
Audience: Jeesus! Jeesus!
Scene Description: Jimbo picks up his chair and throws it at Cartman. The chair hits a woman in the right side of her head in the audience and she gets up angry. She heads for the stage.
Scene Description: Jesus tries to calm things down.
Jesus: O-okay, okay, that's enough.
Woman: [Slugs Jimbo.] Take that, you asshole!
Scene Description: Jimbo falls. She jumps on him and strikes again.
Woman: What the fuck was that?
Jesus: Uh, let's watch the language, people.
Jimbo: Bring it on, you bitch!
Scene Description: She hits him again.
Cartman: Ey, get off of him, you fuckin' nutsack!
Audience: Jeesus! Jeesus! Jeesus!
Scene Description: A blond man pushes Jesus out of the way as he heads for the stage. The rest of the audience follow suit, and soon everyone is fighting.
Jesus: Let's all just..make our way back to our seats.
Scene Description: Kenny is being pulled apart by two men.
Kenny: (Nononono-yikes!)
Scene Description: A man in a green shirt hits Kenny in the face with a chair.
Scene Description: Kenny is ripped in half.
Man in green shirt pulling Kenny: Yeah, yeah, yeh... [Gasps.]
Man in blue shirt pulling Kenny: Yeah, yeah, yeh-oh?
Man with chair hitting Kenny: Oh, Oh! Aah! AAAAGGHH!!! [Gasps.] Ooh.. Ew [Shrieks.]
Scene Description: Kenny begins crying.
Kenny: [Sobbing.] (OW! OW! DUDE, PLEASE STOP!! OH, FUCK! YIKES!!!!!)
Scene Description: The 3 men, Stan, & Kyle gasp in horror to see what happened.
Stan: Oh, my God! They've killed Kenny!
Kyle: You bastards!
Scene Description: Cartman comes flying across the stage.
Cartman: Ey, you guys!
Scene Description: Two men just sitting in the audience start to fight for no reason.
Jesus: Let's all just..make our way back to our seats.
Woman: Oh, my God!
Scene Description: A man walks by with a chainsaw.
Jesus: Shut the fuck up!
Scene Description: The audience members stop and gasp at him. Cartman was biting at the leg of a man onstage.
Jesus: Jesus, what is wrong with you people?! Look around you, Stanley. Look at all the pain and suffering your lie has caused.
Scene Description: The audience members slowly return to their seats.
Stan: W-we only did it because Jimbo lied to us first. We had this report on the Vietnam War for school, and we interviewed Jimbo about it and he made up all this stuff about Vietnam, and he got us in trouble.
Scene Description: A couple of rats come by and drag Kenny's upper half away.
Jimbo: Hey, now. Everything I told you boys about the war actually happened.
Stan: Mr. Garrison said that there was no way that you could have defeated the entire Vietcong Army by yourself.
Jesus: The entire Vietcong Army?
Jimbo: I uh... Well, okay, I might have embellished the truth a little, but that's different.
Jesus: Is it?
Jimbo: Well, sure. I mean, eh... [Pinned.] Well, no uh, I guess not.
Jesus: And as for you, Stan uh, I think you need to kick your drug habit and-
Stan: Wait a second, I don't take drugs! That was a lie!
Jesus: Wait. Jimbo made that up?
Stan: No, your producer did.
Scene Description: This gets the producer's attention.
Stan: She made Jimbo tell everybody that I did drugs.
Jesus: What?
Stan: During the break. Your producer came over, and told Jimbo what to say about me. She told him to lie!
Jimbo: It's true, she did. Hu-I'm such a tool.
Jesus: Oh, really?
Scene Description: The producer is now trying to hide behind a potted plant.
Kyle: Yeah! Then she told us to throw a chair at Ned!
Cartman: Yeah. I didn't wanna do it, Jesus. They made me do that.
Man in Brown Shirt: Screw this show. I thought this was all real.
Scene Description: The audience members begin to leave.
Jesus: W-wait, everybody. Come back.
Michael Jackson fan: [Pats Jesus on the shoulder.] Don't feel too bad, Montel. We all want to touch children sometimes; it's only natural.
Scene Description: South Park Public Access, outside. Later...
Jimbo: I'm sorry, Stan. I was just trying to tell a good story. I never meant for you boys to get in trouble.
Stan: W-we're sorry, too, Uncle Jimbo. We're sorry for making you look stupid in front of the whole world.
Kyle: Yeah. And we're sorry for turning Ned into a vegetable.
Jimbo: Aw, he'll be fine. I'll just take him home and show him some good hard-core porn, he'll snap right out of it. Won't you, Ned?
Scene Description: Jimbo slaps him on the shoulder, and Ned falls like a statue. A door opens.
Jesus: I want to apologize to all of you for what happened in there. In our competition for ratings we lost sight of why we got into show business in the first place.
Jimbo: Yeah. Titties and beer.
Jesus: Actually, I was referring more to the pursuit of truth, but-Well, anyway, I can't wait to get back to my old show without all the glitz and the ratings and producers and-
Kyle: Wait a sec. Where is your producer?
Jesus: [Upset.] I sent her away.
Cartman: Sent her away where?
Scene Description: Hell. She enters Satan's lair with phone in hand. Pitchforks rise and begin poking her.
Producer: What is this? What's happening?!
Satan: Welcome to my dominion.
Producer: [Retreating.] Oooooohhhh!
Saddam Hussein: [Comes up behind Satan and stands next to him.] Hey. Take a load off. Put your feet up. Me and Satan were just aboot to go shopping for furniture. Come on, Satan.
Satan: Okay, honey.
Scene Description: They turn around and walk away, the camera enters her mouth as she screams.
Producer: Noooooo!
Scene Description: End of The Mexican Staring Frog of Southern Sri Lanka. War is hell My brother's a dirty mess In war, war is hell It's hell for you and me