Scene Description: The Mayor's office, day. The mayor is at her desk, flanked by her assistants. Before her are Chef and Jimbo. The meeting starts
Mayor: Gentlemen, I understand you are here to present both sides of an issue. I wanna hear you both out and do this in a civil and constructive manner so that I can give you both the time and attention you deserve. Jimbo, why don't you begin?
Jimbo: Mayor, it's about the South Park flag.
Mayor: [instantly exasperated] Oh, Jesus Christ, not this again!
Jimbo: We cannot change the South Park flag, Mayor!
Chef: Mayor, as I've said before, I find that flag to be racist and insensitive!
Jimbo: Chef, I respect you very much, but you have to understand that this has been the South Park flag since some of our ancestors, like my great-grandfather, founded this land!
Chef: That flag represents a time when blacks were persecuted by whites! How can a black man not be bothered by it?!
Mayor: Ahalright, Chef, I'll have my assistants hold up the flag. [the one with the bang goes to get it] and you tell me what exactly you find racist about it. [the assistant returns and gives one end to Johnson. They unfurl the flag between them. The flag shows a black figure dangling from a hangman's noose, and two white figures on either side of him rejoicing. "South Park" is written underneath]
Chef: You don't see anything wrong with that flag?!
Jimbo: Chef, what about the baseball team, the Cleveland Indians, huh? Should they change their name because it's racist?
Chef: Yeah!
Jimbo: No, because it's their history!
Chef: Look, I have gone to every quiet protest I could! I have written everyone; I've put up signs! But now I'm telling you [points to the mayor and emphasizes], THIS FLAG WILL BE CHANGED!
Jimbo: And I'm telling you it WON'T!
Mayor: [rolls her eyes] Oh, boy.
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The class bell rings and the kids are in their seats. Timmy is now shown with the class.
Mr. Wyland: Okay, children, in Mr. Garrison's absence, I would like to turn the class's attention to current issues. Some people think the South Park flag should be changed, while others believe that changing the flag is wrong. I think this is a perfect subject for your debate club.
Class: [Timmy stays quiet] Aaaaah!
Mr. Wyland: I see that you've already had a lot of interesting debates this year. [points to a chart with three debates on it] Pro-Choice vs. Cartman, Pro-Gun Control vs. Cartman, a-and People Against the Clubbing of Baby Seals vs. Cartman. And apparently, the winner of all your debates so far has been... Cartman.
Cartman: Thaaat's ri-ight.
Kyle: Cartman doesn't always win! He just gets pissed off and goes home so we can't debate anymore!
Class: [including Timmy] Yeah.
Cartman: Nah-ah! I'm just a better debater than you guys!
Stan: You don't even know what you're debating about half the time!
Cartman: Yes I do!
Craig: No you don't!
Cartman: Oh yeah?! Well, screw you guys, I'm going home! [rises from his seat, heads for the door, and exits]
Kyle: Told ya.
Mr. Wyland: Alright, children, well, unlike Mr. Garrison, I want you all to go out and research this debate before we pick teams. Tomorrow, you'll need to choose which side of this poignant debate you are on. [the class stares back blankly]
Scene Description: Jimbo and Ned's lodge, after school. They're sitting on the front porch.
Jimbo: This is about history, kids. [Stan, Kyle, Kenny, and two others are present] If you don't have respect for your past, then you can never expect to- BIRD! [he and Ned each take a shot at it, and it tumbles away, falling dead into a large pile of dead birds on the road behind the boys] -then you can never expect to have a future. Nowadays, everyone wants to change mascots and flags because they're not [does quotes with his left index and middle finger] "politically correct." Well, where does it end? I mean, people are gonna start sayin' that the Denver Broncos are offensive to horses. And then we'll have to- a SQUIRREL! [He and Ned take shots at it, and it falls dead from its branch] And then we'll have to change everything, and pretty soon all our history will be forgotten. But to REALLY understand the South Park's flag's importance, you need to know about South Park's history. Ned here's a big history buff, and he can tell you the whole story. Ned?
Ned: Nnneh, in 1867, fourteen pioneers from the East Coast traveled across the Plains-
Stan: Uh that, that's okay, dude, I think we got it.
Kyle: Yeah, we got it.
Jimbo: You sure?
Stan, Kyle: Yup.
Jimbo: You boys go make me proud now and win that debate- Chris Peterson! [he and Ned fire away, and Chris yells and dodges the bullets, then runs off] God-damnit, we missed him again!
Scene Description: South Park Supermarket, after school. Chef is at the entrance with a petition in his hands. With him are Wendy, Bebe, Clyde, and Butters. Some folks head for the store...
Chef: Sign up to join me, and come marching to the Mayor's office in protest of the South Park flag! [the shoppers brush on by and enter the store, and the doors close] You see that, children?! Nobody wants to get involved! [the doors open and Randy Marsh walks out with a bag of groceries. Chef notices] Randy! Sign up to march with me against the South Park flag on Wednesday?
Randy: Oh, uuhh, look, Chef, you know I'm-m not a racist, but uh, I just don't really feel strongly one way or another about the flag.
Chef: Well, alright, Marsh, you're entitled to your own opinion. [Randy walks away and Chef looks at the kids] That's how it is in this town. I haven't gotten one signature on this damn sheet, and I've been here all day!
Wendy: We'll march with you, Chef.
Chef: That's nice, but I need the support of some registered voters. [Mr. Mackey walks out with some groceries. Chef stops him] Ey, Mackey! Sign up to march on Wednesday?
Mr. Mackey: Oo, Wednesday? Uh-Wednesday's tough. I guess- maybe I could do somthin' uh, Thursday afternoon.
Chef: Alright, fudge it, Thursday. Anyone else wanna go Thursday?
Principal Victoria: [arrives] Thursday's no good, we've got choir council.
Mr. Mackey: Oh, yeah.
Principal Victoria: What about next Sunday?
Chef: Fine! Next Sunday!
Man 1: You mean, during the ball game?
Man 2: Oh, yeah. We can't do Sunday.
Chef: Monday??
Principal Victoria: Oh, I can't do Monday.
Man 3: [arrives] I could do Tuesday.
Mr. Mackey: Yeah, Tuesday morning's good.
Man 1: You know what would be better for me is Saturday afternoon.
Man 2: Saturday is perfect for me.
Principal Victoria: Yeah. How about Saturday at 11:30?
Man 3: Mm hmm.
Man 2, Woman 2: Yeah.
Man 1: Yeah.
Man 3: That sounds good.
Man 2: Mm hmm.
Mr. Mackey: Yeah, I think that's the best day.
Chef: Okay! On Saturday, we march!
Man 2: Oh, march? What are we marching for?
Chef: To bring down the South Park Flag!
Man 2: ...Oh. [the adults begin to disperse]
Man 3: Oohh, I gotta go.
Man 1: I know what I may like. I don't like marching
Woman 2: Uh, marching's really not for me.
Man 2: See you later.
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, next day. Mr. Wyland's class. He's at the chalkboard tallying up the votes. There are eight votes on each side of the board: eight on the left for "FLAG SHOULD CHANGE," eight on the right for "FLAG SHOULD STAY THE SAME"
Mr. Wyland: Well I've counted up all your secret ballots, children, and it look like about half of you think the flag should stay, and half think the flag should be changed.
Wendy: How could any of you think that flag should stay the way it is?!
Mr. Wyland: Save it for the debate, Wendy. Now I'm going to assign the debate leaders. Who wants to lead the "Flag Should Stay The Way It Is" team?
Stan, Kyle: Me. Me. Me. Me.
Wendy: [upset] Stan?! How could you be so insensitive?!
Stan: Whoa, dude, I don't see anything wrong with that flag.
Kyle: Yeah, me neither.
Mr. Wyland: Alright. Stan and Kyle, [turns and writes on the board] you can both be the team leaders for the "Flag should stay the way it is" team. [turns around. Their names are there now] Now, who wants to lead the "Flag should be changed" team? [an angry Wendy raises her hand. Cartman looks over at her, then raises his hand and chuckles] Okay, Wendy and Eric can team up. [writes their names on the board]
Wendy: [mortified] Nooo! [Cartman chuckles some more]
Mr. Wyland: Alright, children. Do your homework, and let's get ready for a great debate!
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, cafeteria. Kids enjoy their meals. Craig enters the kitchen, followed by Stan, Kyle, Butters, and someone else
Stan, Kyle: Hello, Chef.
Chef: [in a foul mood] My name isn't Chef anymore, children. I've converted to Islam.
Stan: Islam??
Chef: From now on, my name is [points to his apron] Abdul Mohammed Jabar [points to the rest of his name on a sign held by an Arab assistant] Rauf Kareem Ali. [proceeds with preparing the trays] With everyone in town so insensitive about the flag, I find it no longer fitting to use my slave name!
Stan: Well, we need help with our debate club. We have to explain why we think the flag should not be changed.
Chef: You WHAT?! [plants his fists on the counter while the assistant struggles to keep his half of the name sign in line with Chef's apron] You don't think they should change the flag?!
Kyle: Not really.
Stan: Yeah, we don't see what the big deal is.
Chef: [moves to his right and sets the ladle and a pot down] Well, that figures you don't! Because your cracker-ass parents turned you into little cracker-ass cracker-racists! I never thought I'd live to see this many of the people I considered friends turn against me!
Stan: But Chef, we don't know what you're talking about, it's-
Chef: But nothin'! [picks up the ladle and throws it down] "But" my ass! Fix your own damn food! [hurries out, and his assistant quickly follows. Stan and Kyle look at each other, confused]
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, school library. Wendy has assembled her team and leads them through preliminary items. In her team are Bebe, Clyde, Butters, Token, Kevin, and three others. Cartman is not there yet.
Wendy: Okay. Now, in order for us the debate to change the South Park flag, we will need to do a lot of research. Now, my plan is to divide up into three research teams. We will present our arguments based on things that w-
Cartman: [enters] It's okay, I'm here.
Wendy: [glares at him for a few seconds] Nice of you to show up! We were just discussing how we should state our case.
Cartman: [begins pacing] Yes. This is a difficult case. In order to win the debate, we will need to attack Stan and Kyle's credibility.
Wendy: [stunned] What??
Cartman: That's how you win these things: attack your opponents' credibility! [starts barking orders] Butters! Take some kids and go dig up whatever dirt you can on Kyle's past. I'm talkin' booby magazines, whatever.
Butters: Wwuhuh-o-kay! [hops off his chair. Wendy watches him leave]
Cartman: The rest of you, go get the goods on Stan! His mom grounded him once for setting something on fire. Let's find out what that something was, and then lie and say it was a puppy.
Clyde: Right. [the others disperse, leaving Wendy and Cartman facing each other at the round table.]
Cartman: [takes out some Cheesy Poofs] Mmmm.
Wendy: [walks up to him] Cartman, we can't just attack Stan and Kyle's credibility. We need to present our side of the debate.
Cartman: You're right. We'll need to look like we prepared a case, too, so that they look all the weaker. Good plan. Sooo, what's the issue again?
Wendy: The South Park flag!
Cartman: Interesting. Aaand, what side are we on?
Wendy: D'aaaaahhh!
Cartman: Whoa! Calm down, ho. [eats some poofs]
Scene Description: South Park City Hall, day. A Channel 4 field reporter is on scene. Chef is in the background dressed in a daishiki facing the Hall, with his fist up. Two groups of people are there, one on either side of him. The mayor and her assistants look out over the scene from her office
Reporter: ["NEWS 4 LIVE!"] Tom, I'm standing out front of the South Park Mayor's Office, where both sides of this debate have gathered.
Chef: Change the flag!
Jimbo: Don't change history!
Mayor: Oh brother, what now?!
Chef: [background, as the reporter speaks] Change the flag! Change the flag!...
Reporter: Earlier, the South Park townspeople voiced their opinion.
Man 4: [angry] Well, I think the flag is racist! [turns pensive] Huh, but then again, it is part of our history.
Man 5: Well, I guess the flag is part of history, ...but I can see how it is racist.
Man 6: [flatly, slowly] I think it is history. I think it is racist.
Reporter: Well, one things for sure, tensions are high and pressure is mounting on the South Park Mayor to do something.
Chef: [background, as the reporter speaks] ...Change the flag! Change the flag! Change the flag! Change the flag! [the mayor simply looks down] In the 1960s there was a monk [shows a photo of Thích Quảng Đức in flames] who set himself on fire to protest! You have left me no choice! [lowers the photo] To protest your lack of humanity, I will now do the same thing! [raises a portable gas tank and a lighter, then pours the gasoline on a Tibetan monk and sets him on fire]
Monk: [in flames] Huh! Haaaaaaaaaaaah! [dies]
The KKK: [arriving] White Power! White Power! White Power! White Power! White Power! White Power! White Power!
Reporter: [stunned, then speaks] What's this? Uh, Tom, it looks as if the KKK have shown up to express their opinion.
KKK Leader: [walks up to Jimbo and extends his hand.] Hello, brother. [Jimbo and his group turns to see the Klan] We are here to support your noble cause.
Jimbo: Huh? Uh hey now, uh. We don't want your support. We're not racists; this is about history.
Ned: Yeah.
KKK Leader: Well, whether you want our support or not, we're on your side! [he and the rest of the KKK face right and march away]
The KKK: White Power! White Power! [Jimbo and the others watch them leave] White Power! White Power! [they take up positions in front of City Hall, facing Chef. A familiar figure is chanting with them] White Power! White Power! White Power! White Power!
Sheila: [arrives] Mr. Garrison, you're a Klan member?
Mr. Garrison: NO, no, [steps out] but Mr. Hat is. [points to the puppet, which is dressed in a Klan robe and bends down a few times as if to say "hello"]
Mr. Garrison: [Voicing Mr. Hat] White Power! White Power!
Mr. Garrison: Ogh! You're such a racist bastard, Mr. Hat.
The KKK: White Power!
Chef: Change the flag!
Jimbo: Don't change history!
Mayor: Ooh, Jesus. What a mess.
Scene Description: South Park City Hall, Mayor's office, later.
Mayor: Chef, we realize that you find the South Park flag racist, and we certainly understand your case. [shot of an angry Chef] We have been diligently working on this problem, put in a lot of hours, and we have finally altered the flag in a way that we think will make you very happy. Gentlemen? [her assistants lift up a flag and carry it to a clear area, then unfurl it for Chef to see] There. Is that better? [It looks the same...]
Chef: No, damnit!
Mayor: [points to the black figure] No, but look! He's got a little smile now! [a close-up reveals closed eyes and a smile] See? He's happy. Much better, don't you think? [Chef just rises and walks out. The mayor lumps in her chair] Well, some people just won't work with you at all. This is getting out of hand. How do I absolve myself of an responsibility with this?
Johnson: Mayor, the-ee South Park Elementary children are discussing the flag issue in their debate club on Friday.
Assistant: We... could use the debate as an excuse to hold a vote on the issue.
Mayor: Yes, of course. Let the children be responsible. Everybody loves children. Tell the press. South Park Elementary will be holding a vote on Friday!
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, school library. Wendy has three stacks of books to pore over, Cartman is playing with his toys
Wendy: This might come in handy. It says here that recently a case was brought before the South Carolina Court about their flag, and they-
Cartman: I warn you, Bog Monster! Do not mock Captain Candycone![as Bog Monster] O yeah?! How would you like I should kick you in the nuts?!
Wendy: If we could show a parallel between the South Carolina case-
Cartman: [as Captain Candycone] Ugh. Oh yeah?! I'll kick you in the nuts![as Bog Monster] Ugh. I'll kick you in the nuts![as Captain Candycone] I'll kick you in the nuts!
Wendy: Cartman, why don't you just go home?! You aren't helping any!
Cartman: You won't let me help.
Wendy: That's because you're stupid, and you're a racist!
Cartman: [thinks a moment...] ...Touché. But dude, you might as well let me help you. We're in this together. I mean, just... tell me what to do, and I'll do it. [Wendy remains mad at him. He does Bog Monster] Wendih, let Cartman help. Seriouslih. [she averts her gaze, then breaks into a smile] Wendih. Seriouslih. [she chuckles] The Bog Monster speaketh.
Scene Description: South Park, the offices of Brovlofski and Jackson, Attorneys At Law. Kyle and Stan have assembled their team there. Kenny, Craig and Tweek are there with two others.
Kyle: Okay. since my dad's a lawyer, he says we can use any of his books we want. [Kenny chows down tablets from a blue bowl before him] Who wants to read them? [no one responds]
Stan: Come on, you guys. We all have to work on this!
Kyle: Kenny, how many of my dad's mints are you gonna eat? Jesus!
Kenny: (Plenty. This is 'cause my family's poor.)
Kyle: I know your family's poor, but you can't just eat an entire bowl of mints for dinner.
Kenny: (Ah, fuck you!) [gives him the finger]
Stan: I don't think we stand a chance in this debate, 'cause Wendy's leading the other side.
Kyle: Dude, you're just saying that because she's your girlfriend.
Kenny: [burps] (Hey, can I have a drink of water?)
Kyle: Yeah, you can have a drink of water. The dispenser's over there. [Kenny hops off and walks to the dispenser]
Stan: Yeah, you must be thirsty after eating 60 mints. [Mr. Broflovski enters]
Gerald: [stops behind Kenny's chair] Hey, boys, how's the research coming?
Kyle: Pretty good, I guess.
Stan: Do you think they should change the flag?
Gerald: Oh, uuhh. I don't know. [picks up the empty bowl]
Kyle: Kenny ate all the mints, dad.
Gerald: Oh, those weren't mints, those were antacid tablets.
Kyle: Oh.
Stan, Kyle: Kenny! [Mr. Broflovski looks in anticipation]
Kenny: [drinks the water, then looks at them] (What?) [the tablets start to fizz] (Oh oooooooOOOOOOOH!) [as his voice rises, his body balloons and foam comes out of all possible orifices. Then he bursts and parts of him fall all over. Some antacid squirts out of somewhere. At the table, body parts and antacid cover some books, parts of the table, and on parts of everyone left. The other students and Mr. Broflovski laugh. Stan and Kyle clap somewhat]
Stan: That was a good one.
Scene Description: South Park City Hall. The KKK is still rallying. Mr. Hat keeps Mr. Garrison in place
The KKK: White Power! White Power!
KKK Leader: Do not change the flag! It is a symbol of white power!
The KKK: White Power!
Mr. Garrison: [now next to the leader] Oohh, I'm sorry, Chef. Mr. Hat is a racist son of a bitch.
Mr. Garrison: [Voicing Mr. Hat] Don't apologize for me to that spearchucker!
Mr. Garrison: [shocked] Dugh! [covers his mouth. Chef looks at him an angry disbelief] Ogh. Waaaaah! [runs away]
Chef: [approaches one group] How can you all just stand by and let these racists do this?!
Officer Barbrady: Well, Chef, it's freedom of speech. We don't like it, but we can't arrest them for talking.
Reporter: Should the Klan be allowed to rally on the steps of the Capitol? Here's what some people think.
Man 7: Well, I think they are racist, but I... do think freedom of speech is important.
Man 8: Well, I, for one, believe in freedom of speech. ...Mmm but then again, I think they are racist.
Man 9: Well, I believe that they are racist, but I do believe that all-
Chef: [shoves the man out of the way] Aw, the hell with all of you indecisive bastards!
Reporter: On Friday, South Park Elementary will present its debate, and after the debate, there will finally be a vote. Preliminary polls show three in favor of changing the flag, three against changing the flag, and 4382 undecided. [Results show on screen in text beside him]Z So the pressure in on those South Park kids!
KKK Leader: Well, that's enough rallying for this afternoon, members. Let's take a hot shower!
The KKK: Hot shower! Hot shower! Hot shower! [they march away]
Jimbo: [to Ned] Ned, nobody's gonna vote for our side if it's the side those KKK members are on. Come on, we gotta put a stop to them.
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, school library, night. Wendy and Cartman are both laboring over books. Between them is a tray of Oreo cookies.
Wendy: I can't believe it. All the pressure's on us. I mean, this debate is going to actually affect the outcome of the vote.
Cartman: [aloof] Uh huh.
Wendy: Oh man, we've got to come up with rebuttals to the history argument.
Cartman: Why don't we just talk about the swastika?
Wendy: Huh?
Cartman: I mean, Germany was united under the swastika, right? But,... obviously history wasn't as important as changing the views after the war and stuff, so hey changed it.
Wendy: [mulls over the argument] Hey, that's a pretty good point, Cartman.
Cartman: Yeah.
Wendy: Not bad at all. I may make that our first argument. [takes a cookie]
Cartman: Cool.
Wendy: Double-stuffed cookies are my favorite. [starts eating]
Cartman: Really? Mine too. What I really like to do, is I like to take the tops off of two cookies, and then put them together and make "quadruple stuffs."
Wendy: Hey, that's what I always do, too!
Cartman: No way!
Wendy: Yeah. Jesus, I never thought I'd have anything in common with you, Cartman.
Cartman: Me neither. [Romantic music starts to play]
Wendy: Aha ha.
Cartman: Huh.
Wendy, Cartman: Well, anyway, let's get back to work. [two kids speak in unison]
Cartman: Whoa.
Wendy: Weird, um. Okay. Uh. Now, let's say that first we talk about the history of the flag. [reaches for a cookie] We can show that the- [Cartman's hand rests on hers. Their eyes meet and the music crescendos]
Cartman: [withdraws his hand] Ur, s-sorry. [shoves the plate to her a bit] Go ahead.
Wendy: No. [shoves the plate back, Music fades.] You go ahead.
Scene Description: South Park transition music. Mr. Garrison's house, night. The living room. Mr. Garrison enters
Mr. Garrison: Mr. Hat, what do you think you're doing?
Mr. Garrison: [Voices Mr. Hat] There's another Klan rally tonight; I have to be there in 15 minutes.
Mr. Garrison: Ooh no, Mr. Hat. You are not dragging to another Klan meeting.
Mr. Garrison: [Voices Mr. Hat] But they're electing a new assistant to the Grand Dragon. I might get elected.
Mr. Garrison: Well, good for you, Puppet Pants! I'll have nothin' to do with it!
Mr. Garrison: [Voices Mr. Hat] I'm going whether you like it or not!
Mr. Garrison: Oh yeah?! [sits in his armchair and waits] I'm not going, Mr. Hat, and that's final! [looks away] Let's just see you try and go without me! [looks back again, and his right hand is bare] Mi-Mr. Hat?
Scene Description: South Park, the woods. The KKK rallies around a burning cross.
The KKK: White Power! White Power! White Power! [Jimbo and Ned rise up out of the brush and look at the rally] White Power! White Power! White Power! White Power! White Power!
Jimbo: [softly, during the rally] Alright, Ned. We've got to be careful. These are really evil men we're dealing with.
Ned: Mmm-okay.
Jimbo: Damnit Ned, doesn't that thing have a volume control?
Ned: No.
The KKK: White Power! White Power!
KKK Leader: [walks in and stands in front of the burning cross, raising his arms to quiet the group] Good evening, brothers. Our first order of business tonight is to have Brother Anderson update us on last week's minutes.
Brother Anderson: Last week we decided we hate blacks and Jews. A lot!
KKK Leader: Alright. And now it's time for us all to come together, and... do our cake raffle.
KKK Members: [ad lib] Oh, cake raffle. [Jimbo and Ned look at each other]
KKK Leader: This week's winner is... [reads the ticket] uh, 2 9 7 4.
Ticket 2974 Holder: [jumps for joy] I won, I won. [moves forward] I won the cake! [takes it and returns to his place]
KKK Leader: God job, brother. [smattering of applause. Jimbo and Ned look on.]
Scene Description: Happy music plays. A green and flowering meadow under a brilliant orange dawn. A happy Wendy walks in and grabs some flowers, then sniffs them deeply. She then looks behind her to find a topless Cartman sitting on a white steed under a bright yellow sun. Romantic music swells. The steed neighs
Wendy: [turns and runs to him] Cartman! [Cartman gets off the steed and runs to Wendy, his hair billowing in the wind]
Cartman: Ahh! [they run into each other's arms and tumble down, laughing all the while. At the bottom, Wendy's on her back and Cartman is on top of her]
Wendy: Say it'll be like this forever.
Cartman: Okay, It will be like this forever.
Wendy: Oh, Cartman! [Cartman looks at her, his hair billowing in the wind]
Scene Description: Wendy's room, night. She rises in bed with a start. That scene in the meadow was a dream
Wendy: AAAAAAaaaah! [pants heavily, then dunks her head in the fish bowl on the little desk next to her bed.] Brrrrr. What's wrong with me? [hops down and heads for the bathroom, flips the lights on, goes to the sink, hops on a stool, and checks out her tongue and eyes, while Russell Crowe poster behind her stares on] Ahhh. It's okay. Get a grip, girl. [hops down and heads for the switch. She's about to turn off the lights when a voice stops her]
Cartman's voice: Wendih. [she looks at the Russell Crowe poster next to the switch] Wendih. [Rusell's face stretches into one of Cartman]
Wendy: [shocked at the hallucination] Aaaah!
Cartman's voice: [the face reverts to Russell's as the voice fades] Wendih, look at me.
Wendy: [turns around, looks up, then sits down with her face in her hands] Oh God, please don't let this be happening.
Scene Description: South Park, the woods, deep in the night.
KKK Leader: Alright brothers, listen up! [two more members looking suspiciously familiar show up, and the leader starts to pace back and forth] As you know, this fine city is holding a vote on whether or not to change their flag. But lynching minorities is history! So what are we gonna do about it?!
Member 1: Let's say that if they change the flag, we'll burn down the Capitol!
KKK Members: Yeah!
Member 2: Let's say that if they change the flag, we'll never leave this town!
KKK Members: Yeah!
Jimbo: [in KKK disguise] Let's say they should change the flag!
KKK Members: Yeah! [turn to see the new member] Wah?
KKK Leader: Uh what's that, brother?
Jimbo: I think we should switch sides!
Ned: Me too. Nnn-that's a good idea.
Jimbo: Look, we have to accept the fact that most people in the world hate us, right?
KKK Members: [rolling reaction] Yeah, m-hm.
Jimbo: So, whatever side we're on is the side that's gonna lose, right?
KKK Members: [rolling reaction] Right, yeah.
Jimbo: So why don't we all say that we want the flag changed. That way, most folks'll vote to keep it the way it is.
KKK Leader: That's a great idea, brother!
KKK Members: [jubilant, jumping] Yeah!
KKK Leader: Alright, it is decided! We will officially tell everyone that we want the flag changed, so that they will all vote against us!
KKK Members: [ad lib] Hooray, yeah! [the two new members leave]
A Member: We're smart! [the two members head into the brush]
Jimbo: [both members take off their hoods] That worked perfectly, Ned.
KKK Leader: Well alright, now that that's out of the way, it is time to play, "Whose got the silliest thing on under their robe?"
KKK Members: [ad lib] Yeah, woohoo! [a member walks up to an organ and sits. He begins to play "If You're Happy And You Know It..." The rest form two lines and clap.]
Scene Description: The contest. The first member walks down the middle and shows off his boxers with a heart design. The second comes in and shows off his lederhosen. The third comes in and shows off bikini briefs and garters. The fourth comes in and shows off a yellow bird costume.
Jimbo: [Watching from the bushes with their hoods now off]Jesus, Ned, these guys are completely nuts.
Ned: Mm-yup.
Scene Description: the fifth member comes in and shows off his hand-walking skills, and the sixth one shows off his penis... Jimbo and Ned walk away from the scene
Jimbo: [stops] That is the most insane thing I've ever seen. I can't believe those people are on our side. I mean, is our side that crazy? [some headlights pass over them and they shield their eyes. A station wagon rolls up with Chef behind the wheel. Jimbo waves hello.] Oh, hello, Chef. Big debate tomorrow, I guess. [Chef glowers at them for a few seconds. Dramatic music plays.] Oh, Jesus, the robes! Chef, this isn't what it looks like. You've gotta listen to us!
Chef: I ain't gonna listen to nothin'! This whole cracker-ass town can kiss my ass! [peels off. Mud flies behind the Town & Country and splatters Jimbo and Ned]
Jimbo: Ned, I'm starting to think that maybe history ain't worth defendin' sometimes.
Scene Description: Scene-change music. Wendy's house, morning, before school. Living room
Wendy: [leads Bebe in] Thanks for coming over, Bebe. I have something to tell you.
Bebe: Sure, what?
Wendy: Bebe, I'm attracted to Cartman.
Bebe: [shrieks and covers her ears] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Wendy: [ashamed] I know.
Bebe: Why would you tell me this? Why would you tell anyone this?
Wendy: Because I don't know what to do. I can't concentrate, and if I can't concentrate, then I can't win the debate tomorrow. The whole vote is dependent on me doing a good job-
Bebe: Alright, look. When two people work closely for a long time, sometimes they feel what's called, "sexual tension." Sometimes you just have to act on impulse and get it over with.
Wendy: You mean, I should kiss him? [looks away embarrassed]
Bebe: Kiss him and get it out of your system.
Wendy: [dreading] Oh God.
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, the gym. Mr. Wyland is shown behind a podium, and the South Park flag hangs from some rafters behind him. Two tables are set up, one for each side of the debate. Behind the "FLAG SHOULD STAY THE SAME" table are Stan, Kyle, and two other boys. Behind the "FLAG SHOULD CHANGE" table are Wendy, Cartman, Token, and Butters.
Mr. Wyland: Well I certainly would like to thank all the parents for their support of our debate club. [the bleachers are shown. The mayor, Chef, Jimbo and Ned, and others are present] I r-realize that many of you are torn by the issues as well, so, perhaps the children can shed some light on us. We'll start with Wendy Testaburger on the "Flag Should Be Changed" team. [Wendy hops off her seat, then looks at Cartman and strokes her chin, then steps up to look at the audience. She looks again at Cartman. He's been watching her all the while, wondering where this is all headed]
Wendy: [Piano music implying a pending dramatic moment approaches. Wendy looks at the audience] The- [looks at Cartman] the- uh, [clears her throat] aheh ahum, [looks at Cartman] the... the- uh, [closes her eyes and pushes her hands out as if to push away the feelings swirling within] Ahhhhh, [exhales softly, then sighs] The first argument we- [her eyes snap back to Cartman, who's still watching her. Stan and Kyle watch as well] ah... [resets] Let me start over. [looks at Stan] The uh- [loses her rudder] oh God. Could you all excuse me for a moment? [steps down and kisses a surprised Cartman full on the lips while she makes high pitched, humming sounds] Mmmmmummmmeeemmeeemeeemmee...
People in Audience: [ad lib] Oh. [Stan's jaw drops]
Really Shocked Man: [off camera] Oh, God! [Butters' and Token's jaws drop. So does Chef's. Wendy finally releases the pucker, sighs in happy relief, and goes back to the podium]
Wendy: [confident now] There. Now, the main point we would like to make is oftentimes it is prudent to change history. As times change we hope to grow, and as we grow our rules must change. It is a natural part of evolution. Thank you. [steps down as people clap. Stan is still in shock that Wendy kissed Cartman. She sits down, Cartman looks at her, then places his hands behind his head in a supreme air of confidence and looks away]
Mr. Wyland: Okay, and Kyle and Stan's team, your main point? [Kyle moves to the podium while Stan remains stunned]
Kyle: Our main point is that the flag shouldn't offend anyone, because killing has been around since the beginning of time. All animals kill. [an astonished Stan looks as Cartman puts his right hand on the back of Wendy's chair and points at her with his left, winks, then does a victory hand dance. A smiling Wendy remains oblivious to this showing off] And the animals that don't kill are stupid ones, like cows and turtles and stuff. So people should not be so upset about killing. [returns to his seat amid a smattering of applause]
Chef: [stands up] Whoa whoa whooaa! You just missed the point entirely!
Kyle: Huh?
Chef: I'm not mad because the flag shows somebody gettin' killed, It's because it's racist!
Kyle's Team: [minus Stan who's mouth is still hanging open as he stares at Wendy] Racist??
Chef: Children, don't you even know what this argument is about?! That flag is racist because a black man is being hung by white people.
Kyle's Team: [minus Stan still shocked] Ooooooohhh.
Chef: Ooooooohhh?!
Kyle: W-we really didn't see it that way.
Chef: But that's a black man up there!
Kyle: Y-yeah, but... the color of someone's skin doesn't matter.
Chef: Well of course it matters when- [catches himself] ...Oh my God. Wait a minute. You children didn't even see the flag as a black man being hanged by white people, did you?
Kyle's Team: [except stunned Stan] No.
Chef: [deducing, marveling] Why, that is- that is the most beautiful thing I have ever heard.
Mayor: What?
Mr. Wyland: What?
Chef: Don't you see? All this time I thought these little crackers had turned racist, when actually they were so not racist that they didn't even make a separation of black and white to begin with. All they saw when they looked at that flag was five people.
A Few People: Awww.
Some KKK members: Awww.
Kyle: Yeah. [Cartman is still showing off, Wendy remains oblivious, Stan remains shocked]
Chef: I'm sorry, children. I was wrong about you. But I still the flag needs to be changed. But now I realize that I almost let racism turn me into a racist.
Jimbo: Yeah. You know, uh I suddenly found myself on the side of Klan members. I've never had anything against blacks, Chef.
Chef: Oh, I know you don't, Jimbo. I've known you for almost ten years. You're a good man.
Jimbo: We've been way too divisive over this, Chef. Maybe we can come up with a- compromise flag-something that everybody can be happy with.
Chef: I think that's a much better start than me tryin' to separate myself from all you wonderful crackers.
Audience Members: [relieved, ad lib] Ooh, huhuh. Oooh [Stan's astonished gaze was fixed on Cartman and Wendy all that time while Cartman continued his happy hand dance.]
Kyle: Oh. Sweet, dude. I don't think we have to do this stupid debate now. [waves his hand in front of Stan to get his attention] Stan?
Scene Description: South Park City Hall, day. The Mayor has called a town meeting at City Hall and now stands at her podium with the town gathered before her. Something hangs above her covered by a brown curtain
Mayor: This has been an interesting week in South Park. We've all done a lot of growing this week. [shot of the crowd, some of them smiling] Everyone was afraid to take a stand on this issue. But now we have learned once again that black, white, yellow, brown, or whatever, we are all just people. And so, I am very excited to unveil our new South Park Flag! [The curtain falls away to reveal the same flag, only with the five people, including the hanged man, holding hands. The crowd cheers. From left to right: a white man, a yellow man, the hanged black man, a red man, and another black man]
Stan: [recovered, looks at the flag] Wait, I don't get it.
Kyle: No, see? There's people of all colors. And they added a black guy as one of the hangers, too, so it's not racist.
Chef: Hooray!
Jimbo: I have to admit it, that is a lot nicer.
Wendy: Phew. I'm sure glad that's over with. [the applause begins to die down]
Cartman: Me, too!
Wendy: [applause stops, background music plays] I can't believe how right Bebe was about feeling under pressure with somebody. As soon as it was over, all my feelings for you just vanished.
Cartman: [fronting] Oh, huh. Yeah. Yeah, totally huh.
Wendy: I'm totally back to normal. See you later. [the crowd disperses behind her as she pats Cartman's shoulder]
Cartman: Yeah. See you later, heh. Ho, [finger points at her] huhuh, he, haha.
Wendy: Hahaha. [looks off to her right] Stan. Stan, wait up! [hurries away to catch up to him. Cartman looks at her, then away, then at her long, then away, than at her quick one last time, then looks down and sighs. He turns to his left and walks away, dejected]


Scene Description: A large city at night. Klieg lights pierce through the air as a large crowd gathers in front of a large building.
Announcer: Tonight, Stellar Productions presents the boy band of the decade! [women scream, jump, and shout. Signs reading "FINGERBANG RULES," "FINGER BANG," "WE LOVE FINGER BANG," AND "FINGER BANG 4EVER" bob throughout the audience] It's Fingerbang, live from Madison Square Gardens! [the interior is shown, with cheering crowds. A heralding sound effect plays, and spotlights flicker around the stage. A burst of fireworks cues the music and the familiar silhouettes of four boys are shown on stage. A few women faint]
Fingerbang: [the lights go on them, and it's the boys, dressed in white outfits. Their hats are all white, too. A green shirt indicates Kyle, a blue one Stan. Kenny wears an orange visor over his white hood. All wear headsets] Fingerbang! [they each spin towards the audience once, then stop] Bang-bang! Fingerbang-bang! [they spin back to their first positions] Bangbangbang! [all step forward and do their routine] I'm gonna fingerbang-bang you into my life Girl, you like to fingerbang, and it's alright 'Cause I'm the king of fingerbang; let's not fight I'm gonna fingerbang-bang you ever-y night
Cartman: [steps forward for a solo bridge as the others sway back and forth] And girl, you know that you're the only girl for me, girl Girl, you're the girl of my fantasy You're my girl, you're my girl
Woman: [as Cartman sings] Cartman, I want youuu!
Cartman: [continues] My... girrrrrrrl... [lifts up his shirt to show off the right breast-um, pec. The others turn to their right while maintaining their gaze and pointing their gun fingers at the audience. The music builds as women scream at the sight]
Fingerbang: [Cartman rejoins the others and all point their gun fingers at the audience, then resume the routine] Fingerbang! Bang... Bang bang bang Fingerbang-bang! Bangbangbang! I'm gonna fingerbang-bang-
Scene Description: Cartman's room, night. He's tossing and turning joyfully in his sleep. The song continues playing in his mind: "-you into my life Girl, you like to fingerbang, and it's alright"
Cartman: Yes! Yes! I'm a star! I'm a star! I'm- [wakes up, then looks angry] Aaawww, I'm nobody! God-dammit! [suddenly thinks] Wait a minute. Maybe that was a sign from God. That's it, isn't it? You want me to start a boy band so I can make $10 million, don't you? That's it! [rushes out of bed]
Scene Description: Cartman residence, day. Cartman has Stan, Kyle, and Kenny over in the living room.
Cartman: [pacing back and forth] Gentlemen, thank you for coming. This is the beginning of a great time in our lives. [stops and faces them] God has finally spoken to me, you guys. And he has told me how I can make $10 million.
Kyle: ...How?
Cartman: Boy band.
Stan: Boy band?
Cartman: Boy band.
Kyle: I'm not being in any [crosses his arms over his chest] faggy boy band!
Cartman: There's nothing faggy about $10 million, asshole! This was a message from God!
Stan: Dude, we don't have any musical talent.
Cartman: That didn't stop any of the other boy bands, dumbass! [pulls out a tape from his back pocket] I've got prerecorded music we can sing to, just like they do. All we need to do is practice our choreography over and over and over!
Kenny: (That sounds totally fuckin' stupid.)
Cartman: Shut up, Kenny. And then, I know I can get us a gig at the South Park Mall. [intense] So everybody get in a straight line, we're gonna listen to a song from the top, and take it-
Kyle: Wait a minute. There's only four of us.
Cartman: So?
Kyle: So, all boy bands have five members.
Cartman: What?
Kyle: 'N Sync, Backstreet Boys, New Kids on the Block. All had five members.
Stan: He's right.
Cartman: [throws down the tape] Dammit! Okay, okay okayokayokay. We'll put off practice for now, and hold auditions for a fifth member. Get the word out that auditions will be tomorrow morning!
Scene Description: Marsh residence, night. The family is gathered for dinner, enjoying ham and turkey
Sharon: Did you have fun at Eric's house today, Stanley?
Stan: Well, I guess.
Sharon: What did you do?
Stan: Well, Cartman wants to start a boy band, so we're gonna rehearse and then try to perform at the South Park Mall. [Randy reacts, and Shelly takes notice]
Sharon: Oh well, that sounds nice.
Randy: [to Sharon, angrily] No, it does NOT sound nice! [to Stan] Stanley, you are gonna have no part in that boy band.
Stan: Well but, Dad, all my friends are doing it.
Randy: [rises] If all your friends jumped off a cliff, [jabs his finger at Stan] would you do that too?
Stan: [voice shaking] Cartman says we can make $10 million.
Randy: You are not gonna be in a boy band, Stanley! AND THAT IS FINAL! [storms out]
Shelly: Geez, what's up Dad's ass?
Scene Description: Cartman residence, next morning, "BOY BAND AUDITIONS TODAY!!" Music begins. Inside, Butters is singing his song in front of the sofa
Butters: [holds two fingers on his right hand up to indicate a hopping bunny] Little Bunny Foo-Foo hoppin' through the forest [scoops up imaginary mice, makes two fists, and bops the right one with the left] Scoopin' up the field mice and boppin' 'em on the head [shimmies down with hands outstretched. The auditors look half-asleep] Down came a white angel and she said [the angel (left finger) reprimands the bunny] "Little Bunny Foo-Foo, I don't wanna see you [the piano player seems familiar. The angle bops the bunny] Scoopin' up the field mice and boppin' 'em on the head" So now I'm gonna turn you into a worm, mbuh, mBunny Foo-Foo... Eh, beh-POOF [slaps his right hand with his left, and one finger goes down, leaving a worm] Little Wormy Foo-Foo crawlin' through the forest Gettin scooped up by the field mice who mah-m then they bopped 'im on the head [grins, then does a little kick forward]
Cartman: [through the mic] Eheh, thank you Butters. We'll let you know.
Butters: Ah, I can do it again.
Cartman: [through the mic] We'll let you know, Butters.
Butters: Ahah-oo well, alright then. [walks off to his left, unsure]
Cartman: Pffft! Oh my God, his intonation was so off!
Kyle: It was?
Stan: Dude, I don't think I could sing any better than that.
Cartman: Guys, if we're gonna impress the mall owner and get that gig, we'd better do it better than that. [into the mic] Next!
Stan: [reads from a list] Uhhh, next is Ike Broflovski.
Cartman: Kyle's brother?
Kyle: I promised my mom I'd let him try. [Ike hops in with some sheet music]
Cartman: Christ's sake..!
Schroeder: What key?
Ike: [hands him the sheet] G. [hops back to the sofa as the kid plays] Itsy bitsy spider, out the water spout-
Cartman: [through the mic] Next!
Ike: Oh Danny Boy, the parson's callingClang, clang and clang
Cartman: [through the mic] Next audition!
Ike: E F G, H I J K L-M-N-O-P
Cartman: [through the mic] Goddammit, NEXT!
Ike: One on a teacher on a palm tree"G-U-B, When the teacher wanna punch me"
Cartman: [through the mic] Not the next song, the next PERSON! [Ike goes for his sheet music, then returns to flip Cartman off.] Aw, man, this is gonna be a long-ass day. [the front door opens and in walks Wendy with her sheet music. She walks to the piano player, gives it to him-] Oh no! Nononononono! Sorry, Wendy, this tryout's for a boy band! [a grinning Wendy suddenly frowns and her head hangs.]
Stan: Aw, come on, dude. Let her try.
Cartman: [moves the mic away] No way!
Kyle: Come on, Cartman! You haven't liked anybody else!
Cartman: Okayokay, fine. Wow me.
Wendy: [cues the player] Miiis-suuus Landers was a health nut; She cooked food in a wok Mr. Harris was her boyfriend, and he had a great big- Cock-a-doodle-doodle, the rooster just won't quit And I don't want my breakfast, because it tastes like- Shih tzus make good house pets; They're cuddly and sweet Monkeys aren't good to have, because they like to beat their- Meeting in the office or meeting in the hall, The boss, he wants to see you so you can suck his Balzac was a writer, he lived with Allen Funt Mrs. Roberts didn't like him, but that's 'cause she's a- Contaminated water can really make you sick Your bladder gets infected, and blood comes out your- Dictate what I'm saying, 'cause it will bring you luck And if you all don't like it, I don't give a flying fuck! [Stan, Kyle, and Kenny applaud]
Cartman: Thanks, Wendy. Don't call us. We won't call you either, heheh. [Wendy is angered]
Kyle: Dude, what are you talkin' about? That was awesome!
Cartman: Dude, she's a chick!
Stan: Come on, nobody's gonna notice.
Cartman: "Nobody's gonna notice"?! What about her huge freakin' hooters, huh?! [Wendy looks down at her chest]
Stan: She's the best chance we have! I say she's in.
Kyle: Me too.
Kenny: (Me too.)
Cartman: Oh, this is a democratic boy band, is it? Alright, fine! She's in until she screws up!
Wendy: [exults] Yeah!
Scene Description: Cartman's house, next morning, early. A rooster crows. Cartman has his band in his room, and they are still drowsy. Stan is about to fall over...
Cartman: Okaaay! You guys all ready to rehearse?
Stan: Cartman, it's six in the morning. Do we have to rehearse this early?
Cartman: We have to rehearse all that we can! [moves away] Now, check this out: [returns with a box of clothes and sets it on the floor] My mom made us costumes!
Stan: Costumes? [the band gathers around the box]
Cartman: Yeah. [starts handing out the costumes] This one's yours, Stan. This one is Kyle's. This one will cover up Wendy's hooters... [she looks a little embarrassed]
Stan: Hey, Cartman, how come your costume has like, nose rings and facial hair?
Cartman: 'Cause I'm like, you know, the tough one. Every boy band has to have the one member that, you know, is tough.
Kyle: [dryly] I wanna be the tough one.
Cartman: [looks back blankly] ...Kyle, you are the sweet one. Will you please just cooperate and not-
Kyle: [determined] I wanna be the tough one!
Cartman: You can't be the tough one because you're Jewish!
Kyle: Jews are tough!
Cartman: Since when?!
Kyle: Since Abraham, fatass!
Cartman: Alright, fine! Here! [tosses the tough costume at Kyle, knocking him down] Jesus Christ, I wonder if every boy band has to go through this! [moves away. The band dresses. Kenny is a baseball player, Stan is a fighter pilot, Cartman is an Elvis impersonator, Kyle is a tough dude with nose ring and Fu Manchu mustache]
Stan: Hey, Cartman, what does "fingerbang" mean, anyways?
Cartman: I heard it on HBO. It means, like, you know, when you... [waves his finger around] pretend to use your finger like a gun or something.
Kenny: [chuckling] (Hm hm, noho, that's not what it means.)
Stan: Kenny says that's not what it means.
Cartman: [testy] Okay, Kenny, what does "fingerbang" mean, then?
Kenny: (It's when you take your finger, and you stick it in a vagina and you stick it in again and again.)
Cartman: ...What?! Who the hell would do that?! Jesus Christ! Grow up Kenny, would you?! Alright, boys, let's do it from the top. 1, 2, 3, 4!
Scene Description: South Park Mall, day. South Park is not so small anymore. Two guards on the second floor relax against a glass railing
Veteran guard: [with a drawl] Now, I know that this is your first day on the job of mall security, rookie. Keepin' the law in a mall is just like any tough city, and especially because they don't let us have guns. It can be very dangerous.
Cartman: [leading the band members through the mall] Alright, guys. Let's do it like we rehearsed! We need energy! We need to be up!
Veteran guard: [blocking the way to Mall Management] Excuse me, just where do you think you're goin'?
Cartman: We're goin' to see the mall manager.
Veteran guard: Do you have the proper clearance?
Stan: [to Kyle] Uh oh, mall cops.
Veteran guard: You have to make an appointment first. Now move along, sir.
Cartman: [pleading] But we practiced for days. All we want to do is show the guy what we can do, [the veteran guard pulls out a small bottle of pepper spray and shakes it up] so that maybe we'll have a chance to perform in the plaza of the- [the veteran guard sprays his face all over] Aagh! Aagh! Ooww! Ow! Oh! God-dammit..! [squeezes his eyes shut and rubs them]
Kyle: Jesus Christ!
Cartman: Oh, God, I can't see! [rubs his eyes]
Veteran guard: Move along, sir. Or I'll do it again. [Cartman walks off and the others join him. Stan retrieves the boom box. Then] You see, you put your life on the line every day.
Stan: Well, I guess we can't get in to see the mall manager.
Cartman: [coughs a few times] The hell we can't! I'm not lettin' no washed-up law cops ruin my divine quest! Come on! [all join him down the mall]
Scene Description: South Park Mall, later. The two guards are watching shoppers move along. A blond man with two bags walks by.
Veteran guard: Ey! [the man turns to look at him] What are you doin'?
Man: Nothin'. Just... shopping.
Veteran guard: Move along, sir. [the man leaves and the veteran looks at the rookie] You see, sometimes you gotta just do that. Keeps shoppers on their toes - try it. [the rookie gets determined and a woman and girl walk by]
Rookie guard: Ey! [they turn to look at him] What are you doin'?
Woman: Nothing. Why?
Rookie guard: Move along, ma'am. [she leaves looking angry]
Veteran guard: That's what being a mall cop is all about. Hyeuup.
Rookie guard: Cool.
Cartman: [over the PA system] Attention mall shoppers: the next twenty people to buy an orange smoothie will also receive a complimentary Nissan Sentra. Hurry up. [crowds rush off to get their Nissans]
Veteran guard: Jesus, they're gonna start a riot! [both cops follow the crowd while Cartman and friends return to the mall manager's office]
Cartman: Alright, guys, here we go. [enters the office with the others] Hello, sir!
Manager: [a harried man who's speech is nearly emotionless with odd exclamations] What? Hey. Who are you? [the office is a bit unkempt. Stacks of paper here and there, hanging out of cabinet drawers, scraps on the floor and desk...]
Cartman: We... are Fingerbang!
Manager: O-o-oh. What? How'd you get in here? Hey.
Cartman: We would like to audition for you for a gig in the central plaza of your fine mall.
Manager: What? O-oh. You wanna play at the mall? Like Tiffany?
Cartman: Sort of like Tiffany, yes. Can we audition?
Manager: Oh. Well, I guess. ...What?
Cartman: Alright! Let's do it, boys! [moves aside and sets the boom box down, then sets the tape to play. He returns to the group, and they begin. All of them are all off-key, They all sing too ahead of the music and Wendy's voice is squeaky and lags behind the others...]
Fingerbang: I'm gonna fingerbang-bang you into my life Girl, you like to fingerbang, and it's alright I'm goin' to fingerbang-bang you ever-y night
Cartman: [goes into his solo, and back into his dream] And girl you know you're cool, you're good, you're so much nicer, girl You're good, You're gonna be-
Manager: [cuts him off] Alright, that's enough!
Cartman: -you're my fantasy, you fanta-
Manager: Thank you.
Cartman: [backs up into the band] Well, so can we play here?
Manager: What?? ...No.
Cartman: No??
Manager: Who?? No!
Cartman: Why not?!
Manager: Well uh, uh, oh... Right now there's a cheese and sausage cart in the plaza. And I would uh, I'd hate to have to move it off to the side for a while. What?
Cartman: You don't think we're any good, do you?!
Manager: No. I mean, you're just not as good as sausage and cheese.
Cartman: Well, come on guys. We gave it our best. [goes to get his boom box]
Manager: Wow. That was your best? [Cartman flashes an angry look at him, then walks off in a huff.]
Scene Description: South Park Mall, later. The five are sitting on a bench on the first floor
Kyle: Wow. I feel so rejected.
Stan: Yeah.
Veteran guard: There you are! You're the hoodlums who got on the intercom and started an orange smoothie riot!
Stan: Uh-oh.
Veteran guard: I will now read you your mall rights! You have the right to shop at a variety of malls in all-
Kyle: Run for it! [the five bolt and rush out of there]
Veteran guard: Go get 'em, rookie! [gives the rookie a stern look; the rookie just looks back]
Scene Description: Stan's house, later. Shelly's eating cereal, Sharon is at the sink. Randy enters
Randy: Where is Stan?
Sharon: Oh, he's over at Eric's house practicing for his boy band.
Randy: What?! I specifically told him not to do that!
Sharon: Now, Randy, calm down. It's just a silly little dream. They're not gonna actually make it.
Randy: And what if they do make it, Sharon? What if they do make it? Are you gonna be the one to tell 'im?! [turns around and walks out]
Shelly: Mom, what's up Dad's ass?
Sharon: It's a long story, Shelly. Let's just say your father... has a lot up his ass right now.
Scene Description: Chef's house. Cartman arrives and rings the bell
Chef: [opens the door and appears in a towel around his waist] Oh! Oh-h, hello Eric.
Cartman: [eyes downcast] Problem, Chef. I have m-many problems.
Chef: Wellll, if you uhhh, come back in just a little bit, Eric, I'll see if I can help you out. [a blonde woman comes up behind Chef]
Cartman: I just don't know what I'm gonna do. [lets himself in] Sometimes I wonder if God isn't toying with me. [goes to the sofa and pulls out some Cheesy Poofs to eat]
Chef: [sits next to Cartman] Alright, Eric, what's the matter?
Cartman: Chef, God told me I was to start a boy band and make $10 million. The problem is, it isn't working. I mean, [with feeling] I feel the music burning inside me. But I just can't express it right, you know? [the woman sits on Chef's left side and strokes his arm]
Chef: Well, Eric, I, I think you were just focusin' in on the wrong thing. Boy bands aren't about music, boy bands are created by corporations to make money. They're all based on the Gomlich effect.
Cartman: What's the Gomlich effect?
Chef: The law of physics that states, "If one girl screams for something, it will make other girls scream. And then, it grows exponentiously until all girls within a five-mile radius are screaming."
Cartman: So how do boy bands use that?
Chef: All they do is make videos, showing tons and tons of girls screaming for the boy band. Once you get girls screaming, you can't stop 'em. They're crazy! [the blonde gets cross and scoots away; Chef quickly makes amends] Uh-uh, except for Lilian, of course. [she goes sweet on him again]
Cartman: Thanks!
Chef: You're welcome. Now, go away!
Cartman: Okay. [Chef watches as Cartman drops down and heads for the front door, exits...]
Chef: A-and a cucumber in the pants never hurt either!
Cartman: [outside] Cucumber in the pants. Got it. [and closes the door]
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, playground, day. Nine kids are there: the five band members and the four other girls in class. Cartman is talking to Bebe, Red, Annie, and Milly. He seems to have taken Chef's advice...
Cartman: Alright, everybody, listen up! This is how this first shot is gonna work: The girls are standing here, and then the members of the band walk by looking cool. When you see us, you girls all scream like, "Oh my God, it's Fingerbang! Oh my God!" Okay?
Bebe: Are we gonna get paid now, or after?
Cartman: I'll pay you afterwards. Promise. Okay, Timmy, roll camera. [Timmy sits in the cameraman's chair]
Timmy: Tiimmmaaayyy! [Cartman inches his way to the group sideways]
Kyle: Dude, what's wrong with your leg?
Cartman: Huh? Oh, Chef says to put a cucumber down my pants for good luck. [the band walks across the ground in front of the girls]
Girls: [ad lib] Ahhh. Wow. Woohoo. Yay.
Cartman: Waitwaitwaitwait, cut!
Timmy: Huhaaaaah!
Cartman: Let's go crazier than that! I mean, you have to act like it's freakin' Leonardo DiCaprio!
Bebe: We wouldn't give a rat's ass if Leonardo DiCaprio came walking past us.
Other Girls (Red, Annie, and Milly): Yeah.
Cartman: Fine! Who would you go crazy for?
Girls: ...Matt Lauer.
Cartman: ...Okay, fine! Pretend that we're Matt Lauer.
Bebe: Oh... Okay. [Cartman positions himself in front of them]
Cartman: Roll camera!
Timmy: Timmuh! [the band tries again]
Girls: AAAGGGGHHH! [the band scatters away from the screaming. Cartman falls, then gets up]
Cartman: Jesus Christ!
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, playground, later. The band is still shooting the video. Bebe and Red hug Cartman tightly.
Fingerbang: Fingerbang-bang you ever-y night
Cartman: Aaand cut! [music stops] Alright, our video's complete. Through the grace of God I can now go back to that mall manager and show him what we've got!
Bebe: Okay, so where's our money?
Cartman: Oh uh, Kyle has it. [the girls move to Kyle. Cartman walks away]
Randy: [arrives] Stanley, what the hell are you doing?
Stan: We are making a music video.
Randy: You get in the truck right now! [points at it]
Stan: Dad, I was just a-
Randy: [pointing] Get in the truck! [Stan walks to the truck dejected]
Scene Description: The road, the Marsh truck. Randy drives Stan home.
Stan: Dad, I did all my chores. Why can't I play with my friends?
Randy: Stanley, it's just that there's better things you could be doing on a Saturday than singing and dancing. You could be watching TV or, laying in bed.
Stan: Dad, I like being in a boy band. I think it's interesting.
Randy: Well, there's plenty of other interesting you can do. Have you ever tried marijuana?
Stan: No.
Randy: Well, maybe it's time.
Stan: Dad!
Scene Description: South Park Mall, late morning. The guards relax on the second floor railings. A stooped man with a clear vessel filled with a green substance walks past them
Veteran guard: Ey! What are you doin'?
Madman: I've got a new strain of anthrax that I will soon unleash upon all of North America!
Veteran guard: Move along, sir.
Madman: Wuh? [walks away]
Cartman: Attention, shoppers: There are naked people at the orange smoothie machine. There are naked people at the orange smoothie machine. [crowds of mall shoppers head for the orange smoothie machine]
Veteran guard: God dammit! [he and the rookie give chase]
Cartman: [enters the manager's office] Hello again!
Manager: What? Oh. It's you. I don't like you.
Cartman: I know you didn't love our audition. But now we have a video.
Manager: Oh. What?
Cartman: [retrieves a TV cart with VCR and pops the VCR in. The video pops up] If you would, sir, just watch this and prepare to be wowed! [at first, only the boys' hats are seen, near the play elephants. The camera spins right, then down, and the girls' feet are seen. The camera spins up and left, and finally rests on Timmy]
Timmy: Timmiihh! [The camera turns left again and catches a glimpse of the girls, then ends up on Cartman, and zooms in on the cucumber]
Cartman: Uh, god dammit..! Our camera guy kinda sucks, but this next shot we did was really cool. [the camera gets a glimpse of the four girls, then moves off them a second after Cartman appears]
Timmy: Haaghh. [waves at the camera, then moves his wheelchair back and dances to the music] Timmih, livin' a lie!
Cartman: Son of a bitch!
Manager: Hey. This video is dumb.
Cartman: [dead air on tape] You don't understand. Girls were going crazy for it. Please. This is what God want me to do. Ple-ease.
Manager: Alright alright. What? Well, I guess I can move the sausage and cheese cart off to one side. [gives a warning face] For a little while.
Cartman: Really? You will?
Manager: Only for twenty minutes, though.
Cartman: That's all we need! How about this afternoon at 3 o'clock?
Manager: Oh. Okay. [static shows up on the video]
Cartman: Yes! Thank you sir, you will not be disappointed! [a previous recording is shown:]
Mr. Mackey: Oh, Mrs. Cartman, I've been uh very bad. M'kay? [he's handcuffed against a brick wall. Mrs. Cartman appears as a dominatrix]
Liane: You have been bad, so you're gonna have to drink from this glass. [points to it, then spreads her legs and pisses into it as he watches]
Mr. Mackey: Oh, yeah, that makes me hot, m'kay? [Cartman is shocked at what he sees; the manager is pleased]
Cartman: Aw, Mom!
Manager: Wow. What?
Scene Description: Marsh residence, later. Stan sits on the sofa as Randy paces the floor back and forth
Stan: It's not fair, Dad! Why can't I be in a boy band?
Randy: Because I said so!
Stan: Dad, Cartman said we're gonna perform at the mall at 3 o'clock. My friends are gonna be pissed off at me.
Randy: Let 'em be pissed off, then!
Stan: I don't understand! Just let me go do this one thing, and I won't ever-
Randy: No!! [walks over to the china cabinet] NOOO!! [smashes his head through its glass doors, causing the dishes to slide out and break up. Stan looks at him with his mouth hanging open in shock, and Randy stands up, ashamed and shocked at his behavior. He walks back to Stan, then turns away defeated]
Stan: Dad? What the hell is going on?
Randy: ...I was... I was 18 when my high-school men's choir performed at the grand opening of a sporting-goods store in Denver. [a flashback starts. A young Randy is at lower left corner of the choir, and the choir begins this song: "Everything will wait / Weave all ye little reins..."] I was just one of fifteen members and I had no idea that a record producer was in the audience. [the audience claps. The producer is in the second row of spectators. The choir members split up and the producer rushes up to Randy]
Producer: Kid, can I talk to you?
Randy: Uh sure.
Producer: Heh, you were really great up there. Too good for a pissant choir in a pissant mountain town.
Randy: Ohh, thanks.
Producer: Listen: I'm putting together a rock group. A vocal group called the Ghetto Avenue Boys. I think you would make a perfect member.
Randy: What? Me? Do you like my singing that much?
Producer: Yeah, I think your mustache is perfect. How would you like to come to New York and start a singing career?
Randy: Oh my God, I don't know. I mean, I still have another year of high school, and I-
Producer: Hey, look, if you don't want it, I'll keep looking-
Randy: [interrupting] No! Wait. I mean, ah-I'll think about it.
Producer: I take it that means yes. Call me in the morning. [slips a business card into Randy's coat pocket and pats it]
Randy: And just like that I left everything. I dropped out of high school...
Randy: [walks by Denver High] See ya. [walks away]
Randy: ...I said good-bye to my girlfriend...
Randy: See ya. [waves, turns and walks away, leaving a distraught girl with mouth open]
Randy: ...And I left my family.
Randy: See ya. [gets into his beat-up pale-yellow car and drives off, leaving his parents at the front door]
Randy: And suddenly there I was, thrown into a group with four other young men who I didn't even know. [the five are recording their first song]
Producer: Take 112!
Ghetto Avenue Boys: You've... got... it! You know you've got... it [Randy: Girl] What you've got is it!
Randy: It's obvious to me, girl
Randy: The songs were terrible. But believe it or not, the country ate them up. The next thing I knew, we were the biggest thing in the world. [the song continues as he speaks, and the scene changes from the studio, to a poster, to a concert as the camera leaves the poster]
Ghetto Avenue Boys: Shirl! You've... got... it! It... is what you've got, girl! What you've got is it!
Randy: Now, give it to me, 'cause...
Randy: [more scenes from his glory days] I had everything. A huge house, [the backyard pool: he's resting on an inflatable chaise longue while women surround him] and all the women you can imagine. [nine bikini-clad women are in his bed, and he's rolling back and forth over all of them] And then one day, just as quick as it started...
Mr. Allens: [the Ghetto Avenue Boys enter to rehearse, but...] Alright, guys, let's take it from the top.
Randy: Hey, Mr. Allens.
Mr. Allens: Heh? Woh. Uh... R-Randy.
Randy: Who are they? [five new guys are in the recording booth]
Mr. Allens: These are the Avenue Ghetto Street Boys, my... new boy band.
Randy: But, w-we're still selling records, right?
Mr. Allens: Look, kid, you're just getting a little... old to be in a boy band.
Randy: I'm 19.
Mr. Allens: Get a life, Marsh! [the Ghetto Avenue Boys turn around and walk out the door] Alright, guys, let's take it from the top.
Randy: They said that after all the money we had made we were in debt to the studio, so they towed my car...
Tow Truck Driver: [wearing a "Tacos" hat] See ya. [tows a blue sports car away]
Randy: ...the women all left...
Women: See ya. [the women pour out of bed and leave]
Randy: ...and they took back my house.
Randy: [gets kicked out of the house] Ugh..! [the producer stands at the French doors]
Mr. Allens: See ya. [Randy gets up and walks away]
Randy: The only thing I could do was come back to Colorado, and face everyone that I had abandoned.
Woman: Hey! Weren't you the guy in that stupid boy band, the Ghetto Avenue Boys?
Man: Sure, I remember you! [starts mocking] You got it, baby... You got it, baby [he and the others begin to laugh, and it soon gets overwhelming. Randy looks around, scared. The flashback ends]
Randy: [voice full of emotion] And so you see, Stanley, I... do know what I'm talking about.
Stan: Jesus Christ. ...I never knew.
Randy: I didn't want you to know. Because now I'm a joke. Ever since then, I've wished every single day that I could go back to that moment when I was offered the job and say, "No!" Because all the fame and the money, the women... All it did was build me up, so that I could be knocked down harder than anybody in the world. [Stan is listening] That is what being in a boy band is all about, Stanley. [bitterness creeps in] It's people smothering you and embracing you and loving you and then spitting you out and throwing you away like you were last night's pork chops. Now we wander the Earth in disarray-us, New Kids on the Block, the Osmonds... We're all the same. And that... is why you can't go to the mall. [walks off]
Stan: [left with his thoughts] ...Oh-kay.
Scene Description: South Park Mall, afternoon. Most of Fingerbang is on the plaza stage, peeking out from behind a curtain with the band's name on it. People begin to gather in front of the stage.
Kyle: Wow. There must be at least 20 people out there. [the band regroups]
Cartman: Where the hell is Stan?!
Kyle: He'll be here. Stan wouldn't douche.
Cartman: I swear to God, if he ruins this dream of mine I will have his nuts!
Manager: [approaches] Hey. Uh, are you gonna do that thing or what?
Cartman: Yes. Yes, sir, any second-we're just waiting on one more member.
Manager: Well hurry up. I can't keep the sausage and cheese cart off this spot much longer. [the cart is shown with Swiss cheese and sausage, and a pissed-off vendor]
Cartman: Yeah. We'll start right away. [the manager walks away. Cartman turns to Kyle] We'll have to do it without him.
Kyle: Hell no! I'm not being part of a four-member boy band! We'll look stupid!
Kenny: (Yeah!)
Cartman: Oh, god-dammit!
Scene Description: Marsh residence, later. Randy is sitting at the foot of his bed, reading from an issue of Teen Heat dedicated to the band. The camera zooms out from the magazine cover to Randy reading
Stan: [enters] Dad?
Randy: Huh? Yeah?
Stan: Well... I just wanted to tell you... that I don't think you're a joke. I mean, whatever you used to be, you're just my dad. And you're the best dad I've ever had.
Randy: [thinks, then lowers the magazine] Come here, Stanley. [Stan approaches and sits next to his dad] Stan, it was wrong of me to try and stop you from joining a boy band without explaining why. I've made some mistakes in my life, and now... I have to let you make your own mistakes.
Stan: Yeah.
Randy: You know, in a way, I think I was even jealous of you being in a boy band. Isn't that stupid?
Stan: Not really. Not any more stupid than some of the other stuff you've done.
Randy: Well, come on. I'll drive you down to the mall.
Stan: Really?
Randy: Yeah. I wanna see what you guys can do. And then we'll go buy you a small toy so that you can forget all about this.
Stan: Alright! [father and son get up and leave the bedroom. Randy tosses his magazine aside]
Scene Description: South Park Mall, afternoon. Everyone is waiting for Fingerbang to sing
Man: What's happening here?
Woman: I don't know, uh. I guess nothing.
Man: Hm... Well, let's just walk away then. [man and woman leave]
Cartman: God dammit! People are walking away! [drops back behind the curtain]
Manager: [arrives again] Alright, kids, uh, that does it. You're gonna have to move and make way for the sausage and cheese cart.
Cartman: Just another minute.
Manager: Sorry. Get out! [the band members walk sullenly away]
Cartman: [stops and looks up] Well God, I guess you got me again, didn't you? Hyeah, that was a good one, God. Hope it made you laugh, you sick bastard.
Wendy: [rushes up to Cartman and points] What's that? [a grinning Randy and Stan arrive in an elevator]
Kyle: It's Stan! [the other members have returned]
Cartman: Oh, thank you God! Oh, praise his name! [walks off smiling as Stan arrives]
Kyle: Dude, where the hell have you been?!
Cartman: [approaches the manager] Sir! We're all here now! Can we go on, please?
Manager: Who? Well. Okay, I guess. But hurry up.
Cartman: We will! [moves to the front of the stage and addresses the audience] Ladies and gentlemen, we are about to witness the next great boy band of the country! Someday you will all be among those who can say, "I saw Fingerbang when they first performed at some crappy little mall." [the manager takes offense] And so, without further ado, all five members of the...
Kenny: [while Cartman talks] (Uff-!) [an elevator crushes him and Cartman stops. Everyone around, including Cartman, is stunned. The doors open and the occupants exit]
Stan: Oh my God, they killed Kenny!
Kyle: You bastards!
Cartman: [traumatized] No! He can't be dead!
Kyle: Dude, he's pretty dead.
Cartman: No! We were so close!
Manager: Alright, that's it, kids. Get out!
Cartman: But we have to perform!
Kyle: We don't have a fifth member, Cartman!
Stan: Oh, yes we do.
Scene Description: South Park Mall, later. The stage is set, the intro begins
Cartman: Thank you all for your patience, and now get ready for Fingerbang!
Fingerbang: [the new fifth member: Randy] Fingerbang! Bang bang [audience members look at each other] Fingerbang-bang! Bangbangbang [people begin to leave] I'm gonna fingerbang-bang you into my life Girl, you like to fingerbang, and it's alright [Janitors wearing face masks scrape Kenny's remains off the elevator] 'Cause I'm the king of fingerbang; let's not fight [the veteran mall guard swivels his hips around happily as the rookie looks on] I'm goin' tuh fingerbang-bang you ever-y night [Cartman: I'll just...] Fingerbang-bang you ever-y night!
Cartman: Chuh! [only four shoppers remain to clap for them] Yes! Yes! Thank you, yes!
Scene Description: South Park Mall, later. Janitors continue cleaning the elevator that crushed Kenny, the sausage and cheese cart is rolled back on stage, and Fingerbang sits on the edge of the stage, dropping pieces of their costumes into the pit below
Kyle: We made two dollars.
Stan: You were great, Dad.
Randy: Yeah. I guess I still got it in me a little.
Little Girl: Can I get your autograph?
Cartman: Ok-Okay, okay.
Veteran guard: [arrives with the rookie and moves the girl aside] Hey, don't hassle the talent, ma'am.
Little Girl: [looks at the guard] I actually don't really know who they are, I was just getting an autograph and- [the veteran guard sprays her with pepper] A-a-agg-g-ggh!
Veteran guard: Move along, ma'am. [the little girl runs off stage] Eh, that was pretty good, kids. Maybe you can come perform at my Elks Club sometime.
Cartman: Okay, yeah, maybe. [the mall cops walk away] God..! Now it's like everybody wants a piece of us.
Kyle: Yeah.
Cartman: I don't know if I can handle all this fame. I mean, I always thought I'd wanna become famous, but now that I am, I don't know if I like it. I mean, I probably can't even walk through this mall right now without people goin', "Oh my God, it's the Fingerbang guy! Oh my God!"
Kyle: ...Yeah. That's gonna suck.
Stan: Yeah. I just wanna be a normal kid again. Have a normal life and appreciate what I have.
Randy: [looks at Stan and pats him on the back] Well, I think you boys are very smart for your age. Come on. I'll buy you all an orange smoothie. [gets up and moves off the stage]
Stan: I don't think they sell those anymore. [gets up and follows his dad off; Wendy gets up and follows him]
Kyle: Hey, Cartman, do you think God's getting mad at you for not making $10 million? [gets up and follows the others off the stage. Cartman gets up and follows him]
Cartman: Aw, screw God. I'm not scared o' him. He's a pussy. [the stage is empty now, but Cartman returns and looks up] You know I'm just kiddin', right? Heheyeah. [turns and walks off again]