Scene Description: The opening shots this week parody those of "I Shouldn't Be Alive", with dramatic zooms and pans. Then a shot of Stan running in zipline gear
Stan: Kyle! [his voice echoes as he looks around frantically]
Scene Description: The opening shots again
Narrator: Four young boys in Colorado are on a trip from hell. [A shot of Kyle running, also in zipline gear, through the forest.]
Kyle: AAAAAAAH! I can't take it! [a shot of Cartman moving down the zip line helplessly]
Cartman: Somebody help us! [motion blur back to opening shots]
Narrator: Trapped in an unforgiving mountain wilderness with no way out. [a shot each of Kyle, Kenny, and Stan screaming, then of a bloodied Stan on the zip line, then of Cartman, then of Kyle] The fourth graders are in a nightmare they cannot escape.
Kyle: [being interviewed] We were stuck. We were completely stuck. [cut to Cartman running]
Cartman: Kyle, hurry! [a shot of Stan with Kyle]
Stan: Kyle, wake up! You've gotta wake up, Kyle! [a shot each of Kyle, Kenny, Stan, and Cartman screaming, then of the four boys on a wooden platform at the top of a zip line, then of Cartman, then of a trip through the esophagus, then of Cartman, and back to the first shot]
Narrator: For four elementary school boys. an ordinary day becomes a descent into madness on tonight's episode of "I Should Have Never Gone Ziplining".
Cartman: [inside a van, in a window seat] Oh God!
Stan: [running towards the camera] No!
Scene Description: "The events in this film took place over 4 hours in the Colorado Rockies"
Stan: Help! We're trapped! [A shot of all four boys bloodied and woozy] We've gotta get out of here!
Scene Description: "This is a true story."
Scene Description: A bright sun rises over the town of South Park
Narrator: It's the last day of Spring break, [a shot of the school] and all over the small mountain town of South Park, [back at the park, kids play on the basketball court or go down a slide, or fly kites.] students are trying to have as much fun as possible. [a girl shows off her dog to two friends, a boy aims his water gun at another boy and runs after him, two other boys toss a football between them. The camera stops at a table with four boys. Tow of them sit at the bench, two others stand. Kenny plays with a twig] For ten year old Stan Marsh and his friends Kyle, Eric, and Kenny, the last day has come too soon.
Stan: [being interviewed] We really had spent the whole spring break watching TV and playing Xbox, you know, so, we, we wanted to go out and do something really adventurous.
Kyle: We could go to the city pool. They have a water slide
Cartman: Noo nono, I'm not getting in a pool with Kenny. He has herpes.
Kenny: [offended] (What?!)
Cartman: Look at his lip. [to Kenny] You've got herpes, dude.
Kenny: [throws the twig away] (This is not herpes, it's a cold sore!)
Cartman: No- cold sore is what girls call it, Kenny. It's actually herpes.
Stan: Come on guys, the day is wasting away. What would be something really cool we could do?
Kyle: [being interviewed] And then like, out of nowhere, somebody came up with the idea of ziplining.
Cartman: Hey yeah, ziplining! That could be really cool!
Kyle: We've definitely not done that before!
Stan: I think there's a place just outside of town. I'll see if my uncle Jimbo will drop us off.
Kyle: Cool! Ziplining.
Cartman: Ziplining. Hell yeah.
Narrator: Within thirty minutes, the boys are getting a ride to the ziplining outfitters from Stan's uncle Jimbo. [a shot of the boys chattering in the back]
Cartman: [being interviewed] We were in a good mood, just jokin' around, you know, mostly making fun of Kenny's herpes.
Cartman: Hey Kenny! You got herpes, dude! Ah I almost touched him. [leans over to see how close his finger can reach without touching] Zi- [Kenny puts his right mitten over his mouth and Cartman pulls his left hand back playfully] Oh, sick Kenny! No! Gross.
Kenny: (Dude, it's just a fever blister!)
Cartman: Heh, did you hear that guys? Kenny said it's just a fever blister. [laughs] You sound like a chick, Kenny. That's herpes, dude. You got that shit till you die.
Narrator: It's the idyllic spring break getaway with friends and laughter. [a shot of the boys cheering as they approach Backcountry Adventures]
Scene Description: Inside Backcountry Adventures, day
Clerk: Hey, you guys here for the 2 o'clock zipline tour?
Stan: Yeah.
Clerk: All right, let me get you some helmet and some gear and we'll get up there and hit that fresh nar nar.
Kyle: [being interviewed] And so they put us in these harnesses and helmets. I th-I think that's when we started realizing, "Oh wow, this is actually pretty dangerous."
Clerk: [he's got the boys dressed up] All right, you guys look ready to zipline!
Cartman: Alright!
Clerk: Okay, just follow me over to the waiting room and we'll have you take a seat with the others.
Stan: [being interviewed] And we were like, "Other? We have to do this with other people?" [a shot of the boys entering the waiting room, where there are seven other people waiting]
Woman 1: Hi there.
Man 1: Hello.
Woman 2: Hi
Narrator: The boys have just made a sobering discovery. [a shot of Stan's internal organs and spine] For ten year old Stan Marsh, the realization that he will be with a tour group has caused his adrenal glands to slow down. [this is shown] The average human acts a certain way when surrounded by friends and family. [Stan's brain and skull are shown] But, in a tour group, the brain has to work overtime, acting nice and pretending to care about people on the tour.
Woman 2: [quite pregnant] Hey, how are you?
Stan: [mimicking] Good. How are you?
Kyle: [being interviewed] So then we sit there for like, thirty minutes, because we had to wait for this couple who was running late. [the couple arrives]
Clerk: Alright, our last zipliners are here. [Kyle and Cartman are visibly angry]
Man 2: Sorry we made you wait, everybody. [A shot of Kyle's mouth interior is shown]
Narrator: Inside Kyle's mouth, the muscles contract to force a smile, even though in his brain, Kyle is thinking, "Dude, fuck you!"
Kyle: We don't mind.
Cartman: [being interviewed] Now everyone was there. We thought things would start getting fun, but... that's when we had to watch the safety video. [the benches are rearranged so the zipliners can watch a TV screen above them]
Clerk: Welcome to Backcountry Adventures! Well hey there Michael!
Michael: [who's just the clerk, naturally] Hey there Michael. [Everyone behind the boys laughs.]
Stan: [being interviewed] It was... I don't know, ten, maybe fifteen minutes of pure hell. [return to the tour]
Michael: Oh, and don't forget... to take in the nar. Back to you, Michael.
Michael: Thanks Michael. [turns off the TV] Anybody have any questions?
Cartman: ...No.
Man 2: I have a question: Can we review the best ways to hold a rope again? [the boys are stunned that this needs to be done]
Stan: [being interviewed] "Really? You're gonna make us all listen to it again 'cause you couldn't understand? Really?"
Michael: Let's get out there and get zippin'! [everyone rises and heads out of the waiting room]
Kyle: Jesus Christ!
Cartman: Finally!
Narrator: The boys think their ordeal is over, but what they don't realize is that things are about to go from bad to worse.
Scene Description: Outside Backcountry Adventures
Michael: Here we go guys! Zipliniiin'! [goes into an open-leg stance, makes a fist with his left hand, holding out the thumb and pinkie]
Guide 1: [a woman, waiting by a van that has been out earlier in the day] Everyone just step on in the shuttle. [opens the van's sliding door. The zipliners head for it]
Stan: ...Shuttle?
Kyle: How, how long do we have to take the shuttle?
Michael: It's about forty-five minutes.
Narrator: It's a devastating blow. For Kyle, it's almost too much to bear. [a look at Kyle's brain] His brain is already lacking excitement, and now just the word "shuttle" makes Kyle's brain fire neurons [this is shown] that bring up memories of just how lame shuttles can be. [two images of overloaded shuttle buses appear, then footage of the Space Shuttle Challenger going up and exploding, and Kyle is scared]
Cartman: Well, come on, we don't have a choice. [leads the others to the shuttle van.]
Scene Description: The shuttle ride, later. It sure is bumpy.
Michael: Alright guys, should be about forty five minutes to the freshest nar nar. Why don't we go around the van and get to know each other a little bit?
Stan: Uh that's okay.
Man 3: Well my name's Pete Nichols and this is my wife Donna, and uh... make a long story short, we came out here to see our relatives who live down in Moab. They uhhh been livin' there about twenty years now, and uh, long story short, they told us that as long as we were in the Rockies we should try ziplining, so, long story short, we looked around in the newspapers and on the Internet and... on billboooards, and... you know, make a long story short, we found this company and thought we'd give 'er a try, so then we called and, we made a reservation, and that's when, you know, long story short, we just thought- [Cartman begins to mutter angrily]
Narrator: [hour 2] It's almost three o'clock, and the boys are still on the shuttle.
Michael: We're gettin' close. Are you guys gettin' psyched?!
Adults: Wooo!
Narrator: But what the boys don't realize is that a massie storm is brewing. [Cartman is drinking some Mountain Dew from a can. The camera looks around the van] Last night, Eric Cartman had kung pao spaghetti from California Pizza Kitchen. [the camera goes down Eric's esophagus] Inside Eric's stomach, the kung pao has just met with the Del Taco he ate for breakfast. It has already started to tear down the layers of barbeque BK toppers that have been building up for months. [the camera comes back up the esophagus and out Cartman's mouth] And now, to compensate for all the annoying tourists, Eric is ingesting massive amounts of Mountain Dew. [the camera goes back down Cartman's throat] The caffeine and sugar turn the soupy fast-food liquid in his stomach into a toxic gas. [a quick journey through the intestines is shown] When the gas is released, it carries with it tiny particles of Eric's fecal matter. [the sphincter is shown] Fecal matter which floats up and into Kyle's nasal passage. [this is shown, along with Kyle's reaction]
Kyle: Dude, did you fart?!
Cartman: Mmmm, no?
Michael: Alright buys, we're here! [The van pulls up to the first entrace to Zipline Adventures. Both Stan and Kenny look sleepy]
Stan: Thank God. [everyone is out of the van as Guide 1 goes up to the launch pad two stories up. The pad is attached to a pine tree]
Michael: Alright, here we are. Looks like we got some good nar to zipline through today. Uh, but before we climb up and start ziplining, does anyone care to know about these trees' biology?
Cartman: The trees' biology?
Michael: We are running a little late, but if anyone really wants to know, we could take a few minutes.
Stan: I think we're good.
Man 2: [raises his left hand] I'd like to know about the biology of the trees.
Michael: Okay, well, this is a Ponderosa pine. It covers a more extensive area than other Ameri-
Stan: [being interviewed] So after Asshole gets his biology lesson, we finally get to go ziplining! [Cartman is hooked up]
Michael: Alright, remember to keep your clear of the cable and just let your equipment do the work. [a shot of the tour group] Now, when you're about halfway down the zipline, the camera's gonna take your picture, so when I call out "Shockabra!", look up and give the camera a nice "shockabra" [two fists with thumbs and pinkies extended]. Alright, you ready?
Cartman: Yeah. [Michael shortens the strap between Cartman and the zipline, and holds him up]
Michael: Ready to do some ZIPPIN'?
Cartman: Yeah.
Michael: Alright, let's hear you say "Zipliiine!"
Cartman: Zipliiine. [Michael sends him on his way]
Michael: [voice-over] Shockabra! [Cartman holds out his fists as indicated above and the camera takes his picture]
Guide 1: Woohoo! Alright, nice zip!
Kyle: Well? How was it, Cartman?
Cartman: Totally fuckin' stupid, dude!
Stan: [as Kyle is prepped] Oh, really??
Cartman: Yeah dude, it's fuckin' boring as shit!
Michael: Alright Kyle, give me a "Zipliiine!"
Kyle: Zipline. [Michael sends him on his way]
Michael: Shockabra! [does the fists. Kyle does the fists too and the camera takes his picture, but he's mad]
Kyle: [being interviewed] It was like having the life sucked out of you. That' all it is, sliding down a cable. Maybe without a tour group it'd be ...kind of fun. Maybe. But, this was just... a complete disaster.
Narrator: After a grueling twenty minutes, waiting for everyone else to ride the zipline, the boys relaize they have just wasted hours of their time. And that, is when the unthinkable happens.
Michael: Alright guys, let's get movin'! Only ten minutes till our next zipliiine! [the others cheer, but the boys are worried.]
Cartman: [being interviewed] "The next zipline? What are you talking about?"
Kyle: E-excuse me, w-we aren't going back now? Aren't we done?
Michael: This is Zipline Tours. We got sixteen more to go.
Stan: [being interviewed] And it was like WHAM. [makes a fist with his right hand and punches his left handn with it.]
Kyle: STOP!
Cartman: NOOOO!
Guide: Everyone back in the shuttle!
Kyle, Cartman: NOOOO! [the adults and a fifth kid get back into the van]
Narrator: The boys realize that their ziplining nightmare has only just begun. [the boys scream and some scens of the next ziplines flash by: Michael sends someone down the zipline, he plays guitar during a break "led me through that"]
Guide: Anyone have any questions about the creek we're about to cross?
Man 2: Yes.
Boys: AAAA! [shots of Kyle, Kenny, and Stan]
Adults: "Ack" went the little frog one day. "Ack" went the little green frog...
Cartman: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! [opening shots return]
Michael: Let 'er rip! [sends Man 2 on his way]
Man 4: Zipliiine!
Narrator: Four young boys in Colorado are on a trip from hell.
Michael: Next zipline's up here, we call it the Terminator.
Kyle: Wugh!
Narrator: Trapped in an unforgiving mountain wilderness with a tour group.
Pete: But, you know, to make a long story short, I woke up this morning and- [Woman 1 is shown going down, then man 1, then]
Man 2: [with his wife] Could you get another picture of us? [hands Kyle the camera]
Kyle: [frustrated] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! [a shot of the whole group is shown]
Narrator: The fourth graders are in a nightmare they cannot escape.
Cartman: [on his way down a zipline.] I'm so fucking bored! [Hour 3 arrives. Michael sends the next zipliner on down. The others cheer her on]
Michael: Alright, you going next, Ricky? [hooks Ricky up and sends him down]
The boys: [on the ground] Help! Somebody! Help us! [the adults on the launch pad cheer the next zipliner down]
Kyle: It's no use. There's nobody around for miles.
Stan: There could be a helicopter. Maybe one will fly overhead.
Kyle: [grabs Stan's arms] Face it Stan! Nobody's coming for us! [another zipliner goes down]
Zipliner: Zipline!
Adults: Woohoo!
Cartman: We should have never listened to you, Kyle.
Kyle: Me?!
Cartman: Yeah you! In the park this morning?! "I know, let's all go ziplining! We've never done that before!"
Kyle: Oh no, don't try to pin this on me! You're the one who brought it up!
Cartman: I brought it up because you already brought it up!
Stan: [being interviewed] That's when I realized nobody remembered. Nobody remembered it was me who came up with the idea to go ziplining. Me.
Kyle: You fat piece of shit!
Cartman: Fuck you Kyle!
Stan: Guys, guys, does it really matter whose idea it was?!
Cartman, Kyle: Yes!
Stan: Alright, look, we can make it, you guys. We can't panic. If the four of us don't zipline the tour will move faster. We are gonna make it out of here, okay?
Narrator: But what the boys don't realize is that Eric's body is already shutting down from stage 4 diarrhea. [the camera goes down Cartman's throat.] Inside his stomach, bile has just dislodged an Arby's Ultimate Angus. In the average human, this would only cause mild diarrhea. [the camera goes back up his throat and out his mouth] But Eric Cartman is now drinking Double Dew, a Mountain Dew product with twice the sugar and caffeine of regular Mountain Dew. [the camera goes back in] His rancid feces is now rapidly converting to a thick paste. [a quick trip through Cartman's intestines, as before] The diarrhea shoots out of Eric's anus and into his underwear. [this is shown, and the smell wafts up into Kyle's nose] Eric Cartman is a ticking time bomb.
Kyle: DUDE! Did you just shit your pants?!
Cartman: Nnnn-mo...
Stan: [being interviewed] So, I just tried to keep the tour group moving, as fast as possible.
Michael: All right guys, this is where we're going to break for lunch.
Guide: [standing in a covered lunch area] Come in by the waterfall, gang! [it's a small waterfall]
Stan: Oh no, could, could we skip lunch and keep going?
Man 2: Skip a free lunch? Not me! [runs to the lunch area. The other zipliners follow]
Guide: Wo wants sandwiches? [pulls out sealed sandwiches from a portable ice box] We got ...turkey. [Man 2 takes that one] Ham. [another zipliner takes that one] Turkey ham. [another zipliner takes that one...]
Pete: [in the background] Long story short, we picked up our bags and went to our hotel. [in the foreground the boys are sitting on their own log with the word HELP on the ground before them made with twigs and branches]
Cartman: Oogh! Ugh! You guys, seriously! Something's wrong in my tummy! [keeps sipping the Double Dew]
Kyle: The stop drinking Double Dew, fatass!
Cartman: This is Diet Double Dew Kyle! It only has half the caffeine and sugar of Double Dew. [at the bottom of the can is a blurb saying "DEW THE MATH!"] Oh man, you guys, I gotta get to a bathroom fast.
Kyle: You're in a forest! Go take a crap!
Cartman: If I crap in the woods, the blood will attract beavers, Kyle!
Stan: [runs up to the tour guides] Hey ah, I'm so sorry, but we have an emergency. Our friend is really really sick.
Michael: Oh, you mean the little kid with the herpes?
Stan: ...Yyyeah.
Guide: That's not herpes, it's a cold sore.
Michael: Right, sorry.
Stan: Yeah, his, his cold sore is really bad, and uhh he's losing blood, so we've gotta go.
Michael: Jesus, sorry dude, but we're at the summit. The only way down is to zip down.
Some adults: Zipline! Wooo!
Guide: What about the stables?
Michael: Oh yeah, the stables. There's, there's a ranch right past that hill that rents out horses. I, I bet they can get you back.
Kyle: [being interviewed] Suddenly, Stan says he knows about some horse stables. Ih it seemed too good to be true.
Rancher: Now let me get this straight: You want four horses, one for each of ya?
Stan: Yea, please!
Rancher: Well I think we can set ya up.
Kyle: Oh, thank God!
Stan: You see guys? This is gonna be sweet after all.
Rancher: Step right out here, we'll get you going. [leads the boys out to a horseback riding tour] Got four more for you, Duncan. [All the riders wave and say hello, and a few take pictures]
Cartman: NOOO! [opening shots return]
Narrator: Four young boys in Colorado are on a trip from hell.
Kyle: AAAAH! [the boys are now shown on horseback in this order: Stan, Kyle, Cartman, Kenny]
Cartman: [still aching] Eeeeugh.
Narrator: Trapped in a tour group on horsback that is only allowed to travel four miles an hour. [the camera tries some dramatic moves]
Kyle: Can we please go faster?!
Kenny: (I can't take it!)
Duncan: We got some lunch set up for ya up ahead. Some turkey sandwiches and Diet Double Dew.
Kyle: AAAAAAAAAAH!
Cartman: Uh oh. [lets out a wet fart]
Rider 1: [to Kyle] So anyway, long story short, I was born in 1953 at six in the morning.
Narrator: An attempt to make a bad day better becomes a descent into madness on... "I Should Have Never Thought Horseback Riding Would Be Any Better Than Ziplining"
Scene Description: The lunch site, moments later.
Duncan: This here waterfall is called Heartbreak Falls. Would you all like to know why it's called Heartbreak Falls?
Rider 2: Well I certainly would! [Other riders do too. Nearby, Kyle has collapsed]
Stan: Kyle. Kyle? Kyle, come on, wake up!
Kyle: Just go. Go without me.
Stan: No, we're not leaving you here, Kyle!
Kyle: I can't take it anymore. [his voice gets weaker] Why do people say "long story short"? They're not making it short, Stan.
Stan: [being interviewed] I just sat there, watching Kyle die and... I wanted to tell him the truth right then and there. But then this... fire rose up inside of me, I... I thought "I can find us a way out!" I ran off and went searching for, I don't know how long. Twelve minutes? And that's when I found it.
Stan: [returns from his search quite excited] You guys, you guys! Get up! Listen to me! There's a lake a hundred yards down that way! They've got a marina with boats just sitting there!
Cartman: A marina?
Stan: We can take a boat, you guys! We can probably take it all the way back to Fairplay!
Kyle: What's the point?
Stan: Come on you guys! A boat all to ourselves? It'll be fun! What could possibly go wrong?! [an announcer says the following lines]
Scene Description: "The following program contains graphic re-enactments that may be disturbing to some audience members." The marina. This is the live-action segment of the episode
Narrator: Four young boys in Colorado are on a trip from hell. [shots of the boys screaming on various parts of the boat] Trapped on a 42-foot powerboat [named Puffin] which is only allowed to go five miles an hour. [some footage is dropped to speed up the boat in time-lapse form]
Kyle: Because we keep getting screwed over by your diarrhea!
Cartman: Well it's not my diarrhea's fault that you took us all ziplining, you fuckin' Jew!
Kyle: Ziplining was your idea, you fatass!
Narrator: The fourth graders are in a nightmare they cannot escape.
Cartman: Kenny, whose idea was it to go ziplining? Mine, or Kyle's?
Kenny: [slurring his speech] I don't know. I really don't give a shit.
Narrator: For four elementary school boys, an alrady tragic day becomes a descent into madness on... "I Should Have Never Got On A Goddamn Boat" [more shots of the boys on the Puffin]
Kyle: Oh no. [Cartman lowers a 20-oz. bottle of Mountain Dew] You're not stinking up the entire boat! You're taking a crap off the side into the water!
Scene Description: "The events in this film took place over 4 hours in the Colorado Rockies." Cartman is shitting over the side of the boat, Stan screams, Kyle and Kenny vomit over other sides, Cartman continues to shit
Kenny: Beavers! [a beaver is swimming in the water]
Scene Description: "This is a true story."
Scene Description: The boys are resting on a bench on the boat now
Narrator: After cleaning Cartman's diarrhea and fighting off beavers, the boys have made a terrifying discovery: that boating is just as boring as ziplining.
Stan: [being interviewed] The boat went really slow and it just went round and round.
Cartman: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Narrator: If the boys fall asleep now, from the lack of excitement, they could die. [Stan looks ready to sleep. Cartman takes a swig of Mountain Dew]
Kyle: Here! [takes Cartman's bottle] Everyone drink some Mountain Dew!
Kyle: [being interviewed] I don't know, I-I just thought if we all drank the Mountain Dew, the caffeine and the sugar would help us stay awake. I told Cartman he has to share it.
Cartman: I'm not sharing with Kenny. He has herpes!
Kenny: Hey. [tugs on Cartman, who turns to look at him] Fuck you, Cartman.
Scene Description: The Puffin, some time later
Narrator: Four young boys in Colorado are on a trip from hell. [individual shots of the boys. They all have oral herpes now] And just when it seems it can't get any worse... [the boys are nodding off again]
Stan: ...Kenny? Kenny! [Kenny has slid down on the seat, but his eyes are open]
Narrator: Kenny McCormick has died of boredom.
Kyle: Oh my God, they killed Kenny! YOU BASTARDS!
Cartman: No, not they, YOU! Look what your ziplining idea has done! You killed Kenny, YOU're the bastard!
Kyle: IT WASN'T MY IDEA, IT WAS YOURS! YOU KILLED KENNY, YOU BASTARD!
Stan: [being interviewed] And finally, I couldn't hold it in anymore. I said "Stop it!"
Stan: [rises and walks a bit] Stop it! It was me! My idea.
Cartman: You?!
Stan: Four days ago, I came across a brochure for ziplining. [reaches into his pocket and pulls out the brochure for Backcountry Adventures, then looks at it for a few seconds] I thought it would be fun. I only acted like it was an idea we all came up with together. [Kyle and Cartman look at each other]
Kyle: So you intended for us to go ziplining all along? Why, Stan?!
Stan: [turns to face them] If you signed up three friends, you got a free iPod Nano. [the camera pans down and sure enough, the offer is on the brochure cover: Sign up 3 friends and get an iPod NANO!!!]
Kyle: You sold us out?! For an iPod Nano?!
Stan: I had no idea ziplining would be so boring.
Cartman: [points at Stan] You... You killed Kenny! [Stan begins to weep]
Kyle: You BAStard! You BAStard, Stan! [a shot of Kenny, then a shot of the three surviving boys crying. Kyle cries on Cartman's shoulder and Cartman comforts him]
Kyle: [being interviewed] How many iPod Nanos is friendship worth? I guess, one.
Stan: [being interviewed, crying] The hardest part about it is knowing you can't take it back. [wipes away the flowing tears] I mean, it was the fifth-generation Nano, so I can't trade it in anywhere.
Narrator: But then, miraculously, the boys' prayers are finally answered. [the boys look around, startled]
Cartman: [being interviewed] It was a miracle. He came to save us and take us back home.
Cartman: You came for us!
Kyle: Mr. Hankey!
Stan: Thank you. [whispers] Mr. Hankey. [Mr. Hankey has landed on the boat, at the top of an armrest]
Mr. Hankey: [without the falsetto voice] Howdy ho, boys? Let's get you back home. [the boys are overjoyed at their good fortune]
Cartman: [being interviewed] We were saved. It was over.
Narrator: After nearly four hours in the Colorado wilderness, the boys are finally going home. From the boat, the boys were airlifted aboard Mr. Hankey's magical helicrapter. [shown, the images are back to the cartoon form] In the four hours since they had left home, the boys had traveled so far that Mr. Hankey then had to fly them on his Seven Turdy Seven. [a jet plane made of poo] From there, it was only an hour ride back home on the Poochoo Express. [The ziplining Shockabra pictures are shown] Four friends, turn apart by tragedy [Kenny's image vanishes, leaving the forest background in place], would now start the long journey back to forgiveness. Kenny McCormick's remains were finally brought home to his parents. [Mr. Hankey delivers them personally. The parents are distraught] And the boys received treatment for their herpes. [two paramedics treat Stan and Cartman as Mr. Hankey looks on from above. Stan and Cartman focus on Mr. Hankey.]
Cartman: [being interviewed] No, I didn't get herpes, I just had a cold sore.
Narrator: [shots of the scenes being described are shown] Kyle Broflovski spent twenty seven days in the hospital having fecal matter removed from his nasal passages. Stan Marsh dedicated himself to raising awareness about the boredom risks of ziplining. [a lecture tour. Stan is shown on stage with a "No on Ziplining" logo] His awareness videos became so popular that Stan once again ended up jacking it in San Diego. As for Eric Cartman, [shown as a mountaineer] he refused to let the tragedy stop him from doing what he loves most. In just two weeks, he was back to drinking Diet Double Dew, defiant to dew the math.
Cartman: [being interviewed] It's diet, dude. Diet soda doesn't give you diarrhea. [takes a long sip]


Scene Description: South Park Elementary, hallway, day. The kids are milling around as Butters' wail is heard.
Butters: [runs across the hallway] Fellas! Fellas! Fellas! [spots them in another hallway and runs to them] AAAAH, fellas!
Stan: What? [most of the fourth grade boys gather around]
Butters: [stops and catches his breath, then jabs his right index finger at the floor] Guess what Larry Barsky just told me?!
Cartman: What?
Butters: [jabs his finger again] Guess!
Kyle: Just tell us, Butters.
Butters: There's a new girl that started school here today. And she's joined the cheerleading squad.
Craig: Oh, we have a new cheerleader?
Clyde: What's she look like?
Kenny: (Yeah, what's her name?)
Cartman: [taking control of the situation] Alright guys, alright! If there is a new girl at our school, we're not gonna start putting claims on her and getting into big fights! It's gonna be her choice who she likes the most.
Scene Description: The school gym, moments later. Some double doors are open and Butters peeks in. The other boys gather behind him, and soon all their jaws drop.
Butters: Look, look, there she is. [near the bleachers opposite the doors are five girls: Red, Wendy, Bebe, Lola, and Jenny. Between Wendy and Bebe are two pompoms waiting for a sixth cheerleader, who arrives shortly. It's a black girl. The other five girls begin talking to her all at once]
Cartman: Oh my God. Token, aren't you stoked? [Token looks over at him. The girls start practicing] Aww, that's awesome, Token. I'm happy for you.
Token: [anger flashes across his face] Why?! Why are you happy for me?!
Cartman: Dude, I'm being seriously. You guys will be really cute together. What are you gonna say to her?
Token: Nothing! [walks away]
Cartman: [confused] What the? ...Oh, Token's shy. Oh my God, that is adorable.
Scene Description: Fourth Grade class, some time later. Mr. Garrison is at the blackboard teaching the class about Game of Thrones
Mr. Garrison: And so what we start to see now is a pattern in world history much like the Greeks and the Romans. Remember that there were seven families fighting for control of the land of Westeroth. The king of Westeroth was who? Robert Baratheon [circles BARATHEON on the board], and he asked Eddard, also known as, of course, Lord Stark, to serve as hand of the king. You remember that Lord Stark accepted, or course. The queen's family - that's the Lannisters - were really trying back then to take control, weren't they? So where were the Targaryens at this time? Well, they were across the sea. We all talked about how they were also trying to take the throne. So we've got the Greeks, the Romans, the Starks, Lannisters, Baratheons, Targaryens, all headed for a big blowout right in Season 2. Now, what I really wanted to get into today is what was going on in the north, because that's just a whole other mess- [during the lecture, the following takes place]
Cartman: [fairly whispering throughout, beginning when Mr. Garrison mentions Lord Stark. He sits between Token and the new girl and grins as he looks at each of them by turn] Dude... Token! [jerks his head a bit in the girl's direction and points at her] Token. Dude. [Token looks at him, then goes back to taking notes. Cartman smiles] Psst. Token. [points to the girl again, but puts his right hand up so she doesn't notice. Token is annoyed] Go ahead. Go ahead dude. Token! Yeah, get in there.
Kyle: [annoyed as well] Will you shut the hell up?! [goes back to taking notes. Cartman finally picks up his pen, but doesn't write anything]
Cartman: ...Token. You want me to pass her a jelly bean?
Token: [whispers back] No!
Cartman: Huh?
Token: [louder] No!
Mr. Garrison: [stops talking and turns to the class] Token, is there a problem? [Token is a loss for words, but Cartman fields this question]
Cartman: Ah, he's just a little sick, Mr. Garrison. He's got boneritis. [begins to laugh at his own joke] Right guys? [tries to hold the laugh in]
Mr. Garrison: Everyone pay attention! [goes back to the board] Now, what I really wanna get into today is what was going on in the north, because that's just a whole other mess that's pretty hard to keep straight, isn't it? The Night's Watch- [while Garrison resumes his lesson, Cartman resumes his prodding]
Cartman: [quickly looks at the girl and at Token] Token. [leans back in his seat so Token has a clear view of the girl] Dude, dude. Dude.
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, hallway. Bebe and Red are at Bebe's locker, talking.
Red: So then Kelly I guess told Stacey that she wasn't invited, so now Stacey's pissed at us.
Cartman: [approaching] Hey, guys? Can I talk to you?
Bebe: [shuts her locker] Why?!
Cartman: [motions to his left] Just, can I talk to you, real quick? [walks the girls over to the end of the hallway] What kind of stuff is the new girl saying about Token?
Red: About Token? Why?
Cartman: Well, Token's really shy, so, I'm just here, sort of on his behalf 'cause, you know.
Bebe: Token likes Nichole?
Cartman: Yeah, of course. [the girls look at each other]
Red: Oh yeah, I don't think she has any idea.
Cartman: Yeah, so, could you guys just let her know that, you know, she might have to make the first move?
Bebe: Okay.
Cartman: Thanks, you guys.
Scene Description: Bebe's basement, day. She and the other five cheerleaders are playing the board game, Living. Lola rolls the dice and releases them.
Lola: [moves up four steps] One two three four, sorry Bebe.
Bebe: Oh, that's okay. [the girls laugh about it] So, Nichole, guess what? One of the boys here already has a crush on you.
Lola, Jenny, Red, and Wendy: Ohhh.
Nichole: Oh my gosh, who?
Red: That boy Token.
Wendy: Oh he's really nice, Nichole. I dated him for a little while. [the other girls chime in, showing their support. The camera pulls back a bit, and Cartman is shown eavesdropping just outside a basement window]
Nichole: Oh jeez, thanks you guys, but to be totally honest, I kinda think this other boy is cute.
Bebe: [excited] Who? Whowhowhowho?
Nichole: That kid, with the orange coat and the green hat?
Wendy: Oh, you mean Kyle?
Nichole: Yeah.
The Girls: Ooooh, Kyle.
Cartman: WHAT?! KYLE?! [the girls don't hear him]
Bebe: Nichole loves Kyle! Nichole and Kyle sittin' in a tree.
The Girls: K-I-S-S-O-M-G!
Nichole: Haha, shut up you guys! It's just a crush. [the girls laugh while Cartman gets livid]
Cartman: Motherfucker! [gets up and runs off]
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, next day. The girls are practicing on the football field as three random boys watch from the bleachers
The Girls: We are Cows, proud and true! Count on South Park, moo moo moo! Goooo Cows! [Cartman approaches Nichole]
Cartman: Hey, ah, Nichole, right?
Nichole: Yeah. [Wendy stops practicing]
Cartman: Can I talk to you for a second, just for a second, right over here? [takes her to another set of bleachers nearby] Listen uh, I heard through the grapevine that you've got a thing for Kyle?
Nichole: [taken aback] Oh no, who told you that?
Cartman: Just, the grapevine. Um, there's something you should probably know. [fakes a sweat] Oh man this is hard. Um, the thing is, me and Kyle are kind of, you know ...together?
Nichole: Ohhh.
Cartman: Yeah, he's my man. I'm more out than Kyle is, but... it sucks, because he acts like we're not a couple at school because he's embarrassed, but... we get home and he's the best boyfriend I've ever had.
Nichole: Wow, I-I'm sorry. I totally respect that. [puts her right hand on his left shoulder] Hey, thanks a lot for telling me.
Cartman: Cool, just, you know, don't touch me 'cause I'm not into girls, so it kind of grosses me out.
Nichole: [withdraws her hand] Oh, I'm sorry.
Cartman: Yeah, kewl. Anyway, thanks a lot and just, you know, stay away from my man, bitch. [snaps his fingers and walks away]
Scene Description: The hallway, later. Kyle is at his locker putting some books away. Nichole approaches him
Nichole: Hey, uh, I just wanna let you know, if you ever need somebody to talk to, I'm here.
Kyle: Oh, thanks. [smiles. Nichole turns and walks away, smiling. Kyle sees Craig and Timmy nearby and runs towards them] Dude, that new girl's into me!
Scene Description: Another hallway. Cartman hides around the corner and makes like he's real cool, wearing shades and with hands in his jacket pockets, one foot resting on the wall. Butters walks past him on the cross-hallway without noticing
Cartman: Psst Butters. Butters! [Butters stops and notices, then walks over to Cartman] At the end of PE class, tell Nichole that the gym teacher wants some towels delivered to the boys' locker room.
Butters: How come?
Cartman: [takes off his shades] Let's just say that by this time tomorrow, Token and Nichole are gonna be practically married.
Butters: Are you sure, Eric? I mean, maybe they just aren't meant for each other.
Cartman: No no. [walks him towards the camera] Love is like taking a dump, Butters. Sometimes it works itself out, but sometimes, you've gotta give it a nice hard slimy push.
Scene Description: The football field, after PE. Nichole packs her pompoms away as Butters arrives with towels for Nichole to deliver
Butters: Oh hey, Nichole? Coach wants you to take these to the boys' locker room. [hands her the towels]
Nichole: Oh, he does? [Butters nods] Okay.
Scene Description: The boys' locker room. Token is taking a shower alone when Cartman leans in to check on him, then walks away. The other boys are changing into their regular clothes.
Cartman: Guys! Guys, get outside! It's the Bat-Mobile! Bat-Mobile, you guys! [the boys make a break for the front of the school and exit the front doors]
Scene Description: In front of the school.
Craig: Where?
Jimmy: I-I don't see a b-b-Bat-Mobile.
Scene Description: Back at the gym, Nichole reaches the boys' locker room, opens the door, and backs into the room. Cartman looks from around a corner and sees her go in. He has a chain and lock with him, and as soon as the door closes he goes and locks them with the chain
Nichole: [keeps walking, unaware of what Cartman just did] Hello??
Token: [walks in dressed in a towel and drying his face with another] AAA!
Nichole: OH! Oh gosh I'm so sorry!
Token: Where is everybody? What's goin' on??
Nichole: Coach wanted me to... [winces] I'm sorry. [drops the towels, turns and goes back to the doors. She tries to open them but can't]
Scene Description: The neighborhood, afternoon. Some of the students are walking together: Kyle, Craig, and Timmy in back, Lola and Jenny up front.
Kyle: Hey guys. Guys! Hold up. [runs up to the girls, who stop and turn to face him] Hey uhm, you're kind of friends with that Nichole girl, right?
Jenny: Yeah?
Kyle: Well... what kind of stuff does she like? Do you know?
Lola: She likes... movies, cats.
Jenny: [to Lola] She likes basketball.
Kyle: Ogh. Oh cool, she likes basketball? That's perfect! Thanks, you guys!
Lola: Well- Hey Kyle, [he stops and returns] we were gonna head over to the mall. You wanna go with us?
Kyle: Oh. Uh, can't right now, but maybe another time. See ya! [runs off]
Jenny: Guess he has a crush on Nichole.
Lola: [looks away for a moment] I don't think so. I heard Kyle swings for the same team.
Jenny: Really?!
Kyle: [back with Craig and Timmy] It's perfect! I could take her to a basketball game. [looks back at the girls, who look at him, then giggle as he turns back to the boys] Man, I-I don't know what's happenin', but... it seems like all the girls are... kind of into me lately. [looks back at the girls and waves. They grin and wave back]
Scene Description: Back in the locker room, Token tries to get himself and Nichole out, but groans and doesn't get anywhere
Token: Hey! In here! [punches the door]
Nichole: You think the janitors are still here?
Token: Don't worry. It's gonna be okay. We've got water, and, and maybe somebody even left some food laying around. Come on. [takes her around the locker room. Nichole notices a table with food and some other things on it]
Nichole: Look! [walks to the table] Somebody left a deli platter. [Token joins her] And board games. And massage oil.
Token: Oh... Good.
Scene Description: The school, just after sunrise. Firefighters have arrived at the locker room and have snapped the chain in two with bolt cutters.
Scene Description: The school, out front. The firefighters have taken Token and Nichole outside and left them alone as they leave.
Nichole: Well that was sure an interesting night.
Token: It sure was.
Nichole: Hey, thanks a lot for making me feel safe in there. That could have been really scary.
Token: Yeah. Now that it's over, I... I guess it was kind of fun. [smiles]
Nichole: Yeah, it kind of was. Maybe... I-I don't know. Maybe we should get some lunch tomorrow.
Cartman: [hiding in the bushes, weeping silently] Oh my God, sooo cute.
Token: I'd like that.
Nichole: Cool. Well... thanks again. [they hug each other]
Cartman: [sweetly] Ohhhhh my God.
Cupid Me: [pops out of Cartman's head] We did it, Eric. We found them each other's ray of sunshine.
Cartman: You're my ray of sunshine, Cupid Me. [tickles the little cupid]
Cupid Me: Teeheeheehee. [pops back into Cartman's head, leaving behind a trail of hearts]
Scene Description: Montage. Cartman sings "I Swear" as Token and Nichole get to know each other better.
Cartman: I see the questions in your eyes I know what's weighing on your mind You can be sure I know, my heart Girl I'll stand beside you through the years You'll only cry those happy tears And though I make mistakes, I'll never break your heart I swear by the moon and the stars in the sky I'll be there I swear (I swear) like a shadow that's by your side (Keep it down, girl) I'll be there For better or worse (better or worse), till death do us part (death do us part) I'll love you with every black beat of my heart And I swear. I swear. I s-we-e-e-ear Yeah, I swear. Straight up. What it do?
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, playground, recess. As the kids play and chatter, Token is pushing Nichole on a swing, then he tickles Nichole and she giggles. Cartman is rather pleased with how things are progressing between Token and Nichole
Cartman: Did you see that? Token was gonna push her, but then he tickled her instead. [behind him, on the merry-go-round, are Stan, Kenny, and Butters. Stan and Kenny are playing with a ball.]
Stan: Dude, why are you so into their relationship?
Cartman: I don't know, it's just so... perfect. [Stan and Kenny resume playing]
Kyle: You motherfucker! [runs into view and punches Cartman, who falls on his face]
Cartman: Kyle, Jesus Christ!
Kyle: What the hell are you doing telling people that we're a gay couple?!
Cartman: Oh, heard that through the grapevine, did you?
Kyle: The new girl liked me, and so you lied to her!
Cartman: Somebody had to intervene, Kyle! You were standing in the way of Token and Nichole! They belong together!
Kyle: Just because two people are the same race doesn't mean they belong together, you fat racist piece of fucking garbage!
Cartman: Oh! Oh, I'm a racist, huh?! I'm a racist! It's how nature works, Kyle! Look! Look, what about Luke Covina and Maria Sanchez? [points to a Hispanic couple riding play elephants] Is it a coincidence they ended up together?!
Stan: Actually, I heard they're together because they got locked in the school gym overnight a few months ago.
Cartman: Oh did they? I hadn't heard about that.
Cupid Me: [reappears, and Cartman smiles at him] Teehee, that was us, remember, Eric?
Cartman: Shh, quiet, Cupid Me.
Kyle: What?
Cartman: Nothing.
Kyle: Who is Cupid Me?
Cartman: Nobody.
Kyle: You are gonna tell everyone that you lied and that we aren't a couple!
Cartman: Why, Kyle?! So you can try and ruin things for Token and Nichole?! Look at how happy they are! [can't fault him there. Nichole giggles again. Kyle looks defeated] Is it that you want to ruin that or are you just homophobic?!
Kyle: Goddamnit! [walks away angrily]
Scene Description: Nichole's house, night. Inside, she and her parents are eating dinner: turkey, mashed potatoes, veggies. Nichole begins to fiddle with her food and look at the ceiling dreamily.
Dad: [clears his throat] Nichole? Your mother tells me that you already have a boyfriend at school.
Nichole: His name is Token. He's really nice.
Dad: Well that's good. But... your mother tells me that this boy is... black.
Nichole: So?
Dad: Well, Nichole, it's just... You know, just because you're black doesn't mean you can only date black boys. It's just a little weird that we moved to this whole new place and you're immediately drawn to the one other black person.
Mom: Oh stop, William. There's nothing wrong with her dating a black person.
William: I'm not saying it's wrong, I'm just saying... she's gonna have to deal with racist people out there! People turning their heads and saying, "Oh, look at the two black people together. That figures!"
Nichole: It's not like that, Dad. We just happen to like each other. I know it seems like a strange coincidence, but it really is. A coincidence.
Mom: And we are very happy for you, sweetheart. Here, have some more turkey.
William: Yeah, just try the white meat. I know it's a little dry, but... there's a lot more of it.
Scene Description: Cartman's house, night. He's pounding on the bathroom door.
Cartman: Come on! [pounds on the door some more] Other people have to use the bathroom, you know? Can you hurry it up in there?! [pounds on the door some more. The door opens and Cupid Me floats out]
Cupid Me: Teeheeheehee, teehee.
Cartman: Jesus Christ, Cupid Me, you givin' birth in there?!
Cupid Me: [giggles] Sorry. [Cartman goes in]
Cartman: That's- Oh, oh, Cupid Me! [covers his nose with his bath robe] Sick! What the fuck have you been eating?!
Cupid Me: Teeheeheeheeheehee.
Cartman: Dude, at least flush the toilet! [walks over to it] Aww, it's cute, it's little chocolate hearts.
Cupid Me: They're fudgey charms of sunshine.
Cartman: You're my fudgey charm of sunshine. Come here, you! [tries to catch Cupid Me, but Cupid Me keeps away]
Cupid Me: Teeheeheehee, teeheeheeheehee. [flits here and there]
Cartman: I'm gonna get you! [chases Cupid Me out of the bathroom]
Cupid Me: Teeheehee, no! [flits on down the hall]
Cartman: I almost got you! Almost! [Liane walks out of her room with clean laundry, and there's no sign of Cupid Me]
Liane: [sees Cartman dancing around] Everything okay, sweetie?
Cartman: Everything's great, Mom. [to the invisible Cupid Me] No! Come back here and flush the toilet, you silly! Noohoho! [dances away]
Scene Description: Nichole's room, evening. She checks out the teddy bear she thinks she got from Token. She reads the tag: "To My Boo." She turns the tag over and reads it, her smile vanishing: "'Cuz Blacks Belong Together"
Nichole: Oh no...
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, next day. Token is at his locker in the hallway, and Nichole approaches him. Token closes his locker door, not noticing her coming.
Nichole: [sad] Hey Token.
Token: [smiles and turns around] Hey Nichole.
Nichole: Can I talk to you for a sec?
Token: Sure! [she takes him to the same drinking fountain Kyle took Jenny and Lola to earlier] What's up?
Nichole: Listen, I... ugh, I don't think this is gonna work out.
Token: Oh.
Nichole: I'm so sorry. It's just... I don't believe we're really on the same page, you know?
Token: Okay...
Nichole: I think you're really great... W-w-we just...
Token: I think... you're really great.
Nichole: ...I'm sorry.
Token: Yeah. I'm sorry too. I'll see you around. [turns and walks away sadly]
Nichole: Okay. [she turns towards the drinking fountain]
Scene Description: Cartman's room, that afternoon. Cartman is devastated.
Cartman: [crying inconsolably, sometimes sneezing into a tissue] It's not fair! They were so... happy!
Butters: [holding Cartman's right hand] It's gonna be okay, Eric.
Cartman: It's NOT gonna be okay! Why did they break up?! They were meant for each other!
Butters: They'll find love somewhere else.
Cartman: No, they won't!
Butters: Yes, they will.
Cartman: No, they won't! Fuck you Butters, you're an asshole!
Cupid Me: [pops out again] Teeheehee. Looks like somebody could use a little arrow of sunshine.
Cartman: And you! I should have never believed in you!
Butters: In... In who, Eric?
Cartman: [grabs the imaginary cupid] I never wanna see you again! [hurls it into his closet door. It flies low. Cartman gets out of bed, grabs a bat that's conveniently leaning against his bedroom door, and bashes the cupid over and over] Take! Your sunshine! And fuckin'! Die! [puts the bat up against the door and crawls back into bed. Butters takes Cartman's hand again and Cartman resumes crying]
Scene Description: The park, late afternoon. Token is sitting alone on the park bench. Kyle walks by and notices him there. A few seconds later, he walks up.
Kyle: Hey man. You okay?
Token: Yeah.
Kyle: [sits next to him] What happened? It just didn't work out?
Token: Yeah, I guess.
Kyle: So, you guys are totally broken up then? It's... It's done?
Token: [long sigh] Yeah.
Kyle: [scratches his head behind the ear] So then, she's gonna be seeing other people? Is she, sort of, available?
Token: Yeah, we're through.
Kyle: Sooo, theoretically, if someone was to step in, it would beee, okayyy?
Token: [getting the wrong idea] I'm sorry Kyle. I like girls. [gets off the bench and walks away]
Kyle: Huh? [suddenly remembers] Dude, what the fuck?
Scene Description: Cartmans house, afternoon. Cartman is in the living room watching TV in the dark, wrapped in a blanket and eating chocolate fudge ice cream.
Announcer: We'll be back with more of the Jeffersons right after this.
Scene Description: Commercial. A businessman finishes his work day.
Man: [leaves his office] I work hard, so I need a laxative that works hard too! [walks off. Next he's on the ground floor] I can't be constipated on the job. [stops and holds up a box] That's why I need... Soft Serve. [at a tennis court. He serves] Because when I'm constipated, sometimes even a hard push isn't enough. [Cartman's interest is aroused. In the commercial the man is heading for the restroom. Another businessman comes out and the first one stops him] Don't give up. Get back in there and get to work! [now trying to poop in the toilet] 'Cause when the going gets tough, the tough gets going!
Cartman: That's right... That's right! [runs up to his room, goes into his closet and digs through his stuff until he finds the shoe box he put Cupid Me into after whacking him almost to death. He takes off the lid] Ohhh. [Cupid Me is shown laying face down battered and bruised, with a dry blood stream still near his mouth] I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have doubted you. Please come back. I know I got a little angry but... I believe in you. Do you hear me? I believe in you.
Cupid Me: No, you don't.
Cartman: Yes, I do, Cupid Me. Love is the bestest feeling in the world. I believe you can change everything.
Cupid Me: No, you don't. [opens its right eye for a second]
Cartman: Please, I can't do this alone. They need us. And I need you. My little flicker of twinkle stars. [tickles the cupid]
Cupid Me: Teehee, stop it.
Cartman: Come on, twinkle stars, we got work to do.
Cupid Me: Teeheehee, teeheeheehee, [flies out of the box] teeheeheeheeheeheeheeheehee.
Scene Description: Nichole's house, day. Cartman pounds on her door, and her father William answers.
Cartman: Hi, can I speak to Nichole please? It's very important.
William: I'm sorry, but she's at the Denver Nuggets game.
Cartman: Denver Nuggets game?
William: Yeah, she went with a nice white, Jewish boy.
Cartman: [dolly zoom] NOOOOOOO! [runs away quickly]
Scene Description: The Pepsi Center, around 7 pm. The bleachers are filled with cheering fans waiting for the game to begin.
Announcer: Welcome to today's matchup between the Denver Nuggets and the Los Angeles Clippers. [the starting five from both teams take the court. A vendor hands Kyle two drinks, one of which he gives to Nichole. They look at each other fondly and take sips from their sodas.] And now, here to sing the National Anthem, country music star Brad Paisley. [he stands at center court and waves as a spotlight shines on him]
Brad Paisley: O! say can you see by the dawn's early light, What so proudly we hailed at the twilight's last gleaming, Whose broad stripes and bright stars- [As Brad sings, Kyle and Nichole look at each other and smile, then look at Brad. Nichole notices someone clear across the center. It's Token, with Craig and Clyde. Token still has a heavy heart, keeping his eyes focused on the floor while Craig and Clyde smile. Kyle looks at Nichole, who's still surprised to see Token there, and grins at her. She looks back at Kyle and smiles.]
Scene Description: Outside, a tour bus drops Cartman off near the center and Cartman runs for it.
Cartman: Nooooooo!
Scene Description: Inside.
Announcer: Nuggets fans, please direct your attention to center court and the president of Halitosis Kidz. [she's shown on the MegaTron waving to the spectators behind four men who are holding a Halitosis Kidz banner], who invites you to join the Denver Nuggets in the fight against morbid halitosis in children. [POV change from MegaTron to center court] Here to attempt a three-point shot for adolescents with terminally bad breath is [two of the men leave with the banner and an obese girl steps forward] the poster child for Halitosis Kidz, Stacy Muleburg. [the two other men cover their noses with their Denver team jackets as one of them hands Stacy the ball. She rushes up and throws the ball, but it's a brick] And a good try. [the two Denver men, two cameramen, the announcer, and the HK president all gather round her]
Stacy: Aaahahahaaaa.
Adults: Awww! [they all back away as fast as they can. The spectators clap for the effort. Kyle and Nichole clap as well]
Cartman: [running into the center] NOOOOOOO! [triggers an alarm]
Guard: Tickets please.
Cartman: No time! NOOOOOOO!
Announcer: We're all set for the tipoff. [The ball is thrown into the air and a Clipper tips the ball. A Nugget - Arron Afflalo - grabs it and the game begins. Afflalo throws it to JaVale McGee for an alley-oop, and McGee makes the first shot. The crowd cheers]
Cartman: Attention! Attention please! [Kyle and Nichole are surprised to hear his voice. Cartman is on the MegaTron] This is a message for all of you out there who have just ended a relationship. Sometimes, love is hard. But you can't just run away from it. When you start to have something special you have to work at it! [Token is surprised to see Cartman there too, but Craig and Clyde are unfazed] Even though it might seem like the world is against you, you still have to hold on! With both hands! [Nichole begins to take this in] Don't let society dictate who you can and can't be with. Kyle, I love you babe. You can run all you want, try to pretend you like girls, but damnit, when we kiss there's magic! Don't let it go, Kyle. [Kyle is getting pissed off]
Crowd: Awwwww. [everyone looks at Kyle]
Cartman: I want to hold you every morning and love you every night, Kyle. I promise you nothing but love and happiness. I swear by the moon and the stars and the sky [Cartman and Kyle are paired on the MegaTron and the lovecam is activated - a heart appears over their images, Cartman on the left, Kyle on the right] I'll be there, Kyle I swear [Crowd: "Awwww." Kyle tries to push it all away] like the shadow that's by your side Kyle, swear to God I'll be there. For better or worse [Brad appears: "better or worse"], till death do us part [Brad: "death do us part"] I'll love you with [Cartman and Brad] every gay beat of my heart!
Brad: I swear, Kyle.
Cartman: I swear, Kyle. [the crowd erupts in applause, as do the players. Kyle leaves his seat, steaming mad]
Nichole: Where are you going?
Kyle: That fat turd up there is the one who set up you and Token 'cause he thinks blacks belong together! [walks away]
Nichole: He did that? Oh no.
Cartman: Thank you! Thank you all. That's all I wanted to say. That and... The Bat-Mobile's outside. [now with urgency] Seriously you guys, you gotta see it. It's the Bat-Mobile! It's outside.
Spectator: What? [leaves his seat. Soon everyone is leaving the center, including the players from both teams. Token and Nichole find themselves looking at each other just outside the bleachers]
Nichole: Token. Hey.
Token: Hi.
Nichole: Token, I'm so sorry. I thought you were only with me because I'm black.
Token: I'm sorry too. I wouldn't even talk to you at first because you were black. [they turn aside for a moment to avoid each other]
Both: Do you think we could... Do you still want to... [they smile at each other]
Nichole: Maybe we can give it another try?
Token: There are still people who will look at us funny. And think we're supposed to be together.
Nichole: Let them look. I don't care.
Token: I don't care, either. [Cartman has a camera trained on them, while he takes up the whole screen on the MegaTron, praying for this to work out]
Nichole: I just think you're a great person. The color of your skin doesn't matter.
Token: YAY! [they run to each other and hug each other]
Cartman: Oh my gohhhd, so cute! [runs out of the control room. Cupid Me appears]
Cupid Me: Teeheehee, a place for everything, and everything in its place.
Cartman: That's right, Cupid Me. People who are the same belong together.
Cupid Me: That's right, and I found somebody who's just the same as you!
Cartman: Really?!
Cupid Me: There she is! [points to Stacy, who turns around and growls at Cartman, showing her rotten teeth]
Cartman: What?! Fuck you, Cupid Me!
Cupid Me: Teeheeheeheehee, fuck you! [gives him the finger and then goes and shoots some arrows onto Stacy's face. Stacy's pupils become hearts]
Cartman: Hey, stop it!
Stacy: Haaagh! [Cartman spins around and runs. Stacy gives chase]
Cartman: Nooo!
Stacy: Haahahaagh!


Scene Description: Invesco Field, Denver, Colorado, night. A Goodyear blimp hovers over the packed stadium. The broncos face off against another team.
Dan: [describing the action on the field] Artonius Jackson catches the ball [Jackson makes his way around a group of players], he's running down the sideline- [Jackson gets tackled to the ground by #48] Oh!
Scene Description: the Marsh house. Randy, drinking some Smores beer, has the fourth graders over so they can study the game.
Randy: BOHHHHH! Did you see that hit? BOOOOM!
Dan: Jackson stops at the 45 and he is slow to get up. [once he's up, he dusts himself off.]
Randy: That was a great hit boys. Remember that at practice tomorrow.
Commentator: Yeah, Jackson took a real shot and... [Jackson dusts himself off and turns around] well I'm not sure what he's doing now, but uh, it appears as if he's looking for his keys, Dan.
Dan: Yeah, and that doesn't make a lot of sense, because ever since his concussion in '06, he doesn't even have a license.
Commentator: Coach Martin is coming over to tell him that now, but Jackson appears to think he's in a car driving home. [the coach tries to get his attention]
Dan: Well, during this time out we're happy to be joined by the commissioner of the NFL, Roger Goodell. Commissioner, a lot of hoopla about concussions this year in the NFL. How's the league handling all that?
Goodell: Well, there certainly are interesting statistics coming out, Dan, and we are deeply concerned, anduh and waiting to see if there's... really any direct correlation between football and head trauma.
Dan: Oh, and it looks like some of the MFL alumni are takin' the field now. There's All-Pro safety Martin Gregors [fat, but the most lucid of the alumni. He stops and waves to the crowd], and fullback Jim Harris. Looks like his pants are down around his ankles. [Harris stops and waves]
Commentator: Somebody should let him know. Oh, and Old Surehand Mike Tafthill [a black alumnus who's stooped and walking slowly holding an imaginary tray], who seems to be baking an imaginary cake, Dan.
Dan: Yeah, not sure if that's meant to be a cake or, or perhaps a, a loaf of bread, but he definitely thinks he's baking something.
Butters: Boy, I just don't get football. Guess that's why I suck at it.
Stan: You don't suck at football, Butters, you suck at all sports.
Butters: That's true. Old Eric tells me I should work at a Thai massage parlor, I'm so good at sucking.
Cartman: That's right, Butters.
Dan: And with that the Browns are ready to kick it off back to the Broncos
Randy: All right all right, here we go boys! Watch them on the kickoff, all right? Special teams are the most important plays.
Kyle: We don't have kickoffs anymore. [only the TV is heard for a few seconds]
Randy: [looks at Kyle] Huh?
Stan: The school said they're the most dangerous plays, so they don't have us do 'em anymore.
Randy: [stands up as his eyes widen to saucers] Wait wait wait, wait. Whoa! What! The! FUCK?!
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, night. The parents and teachers are gathered in the library for a PTA meeting
Principal Victoria: [flanked by Mr. Adler and Mr. Mackey] Okay, before we get started with this PTA meeting, does anyone have any outstanding issues?
Randy: Yeah, I'd like to talk about this genius new rule in the football program about no kickoffs?
Mr. Mackey: Uh, yes, we've decided to go without kickoffs because of the concerns raised over concussions, m'kay?
Randy: [becoming sarcastic] Oh yeah, we don't want our kids getting hurt playing football! But I think I have a way to make it even better! Why don't we have the players just wear bras?!
Mr. Adler: Bras?
Randy: Yeah, the players should all wear bras! And instead of helmets, they should wear little tinfoil hats, 'cause, you know, it's the future and we shouldn't be so barbaric! [other parents look at each other and whisper amongst themselves]
Linda: How would the bras and tinfoil hats make it safer?
Randy: Oh, you're all not getting it! See, while we're at it, we'll have a balloon instead of a ball, and whoever catches the balloon tries to run while all the other players hug!
Mr. Mackey: Huh. You, you, think the students would like that?
Randy: Oh they'd love it! A sport where safety is all that matters? How about we call it "sarcastaball"?!
Mr. Mackey: Mmkay, would, would you mind being the coach of the South Park sarcastaball team?
Randy: [angry that no one is with him on this - that is, that no one has caught on to his sarcasm] Jesus Christ! Yes, I would love to be the coach of the sarcastaball team!
Scene Description: South Park Elementary football field, day. And lo and behold, there's Randy as the coach, not something he was hoping for last night. Eleven boys are present, with Butters leading one team and Cartman the other. Butters does the kickoff to Cartman's team, and DogPoo catches it. The opposing players now hug each other. Stan and Kyle hug, and Stan looks at Randy
Stan: Dad, do we really have to wear bras?
Randy: Yes Stan, this is what people want! Don't worry, you look really cool. [thumbs up]
Butters: I got the balloon, Coach Marsh. Err, what should I do with it?
Randy: Oh, you know, try to get it into the end zone, but be really polite about it.
Butters: Okay! Hey, hey, heh excuse me. Pardon me. Heh, [passing Clyde and Kevin] you guys look terrific. Wow, this game is great!
Principal Victoria: [walks up to Randy] How's it going, coach?
Randy: How's it going? Awesome! Nobody's getting hurt and the kids are learning valuable life lessons! 'Cause hugging and safety are what the world is all about!
Principal Victoria: So you're happy with these changes?
Randy: Happy? I'm thrilled! Look at how much better this is!
Principal Victoria: [surveys the situation and decides to leave] Okay. [The boys are still hugging each other and Randy blows his whistle]
Scene Description: News 4 Special Report
Anchor: Is football safe for your kids? Concerned Parent Randy Marsh says "No," and has started a movement to reform the sport, gathering followers by the hundreds.
Scene Description: A rally at the park. Randy continues being sarcastic, but no one catches on.
Randy: Oh, this is good! Nice for you all to turn out in record numbers to show your support for sarcastaball! [the crowd waits a second, then applauds] Yeah, yeah, we're, we're through with our kids getting knocked on the ground and tackled! Let's make sarcastaball the official school sport nationwide! [the crowd applauds and cheers] Go on, pat yourselves on the back! [and so the crowd members turn and pat each other on the back]
Anchor: Showing just how much one concerned parent can do, Marsh then found himself in front of the leaders of Washington.
Randy: [addressing Congress] Yeah, yeah! Let's do that! We got the economy in the toilet, a big election coming up, but this country's number one priority should be making football safer! [Congress applauds. The President and his wife are present, and clap with Congress.]
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, boys' locker room. The team is suiting up, with bras and tinfoil hats the last items to go on. DogPoo walks in
Kyle: [removes his bra and throws it to the floor] This is ridiculous! Are we really going to go out there and play North Park like this?!
Clyde: I can't even remember if we're supposed to hug the fullback or compliment him. I'm so confused.
Stan: This game is stupid. I have no idea how to go out on the field and be as nice as I can to the other team!
Cartman: Yeah, you know what? [removes his bra and throws it to the floor] Screw this!
Butters: Hey, whoa! Well I can't believe what I'm hearing! [silence] We've been practicing and gettin' ready for this game, and you fellas just wanna quit?!
Kyle: We don't even understand how this game is played.
Butters: This great game isn't about plays. It's about sportsmanship. And compassion. And when I look around this locker room, well I see some of the nicest, most compassionate guys I've ever met! [walks up to Token] Well Token, you're nicer than anybody I know. [walks up to Clyde] And Clyde! Well you give better hugs than anyone out on that field!
Cartman: That's true.
Butters: Are we just gonna let North Park walk away with a victory because we think they know how to be nicer than us? [stands on a bench] Bein' nice is about what's inside you! When your enemy is nice to you, you just be nice right back! And if they give you two balloons, well you give them three!
Clyde, Kenny: Yeah.
Butters: And when they try an-and thank you for those balloons, you say "Ah I don't need any thanks! I did it 'cause it was the right thing to do!" And then you give them a smile!
Boys: Yeah!
Butters: And when that other team tries to cover you, well that's when you gotta reach deep down. Right down to your creamy center. Well that place, well that place inside of you where, where all the gooey happy-lovin' goo sits and you just gotta use that and be the nicest, most compassionate player you've ever been, and let the world know that we will not fall down so easy!
Boys: [jumping up and down] Yeah! Yeah!
Cartman: [puts his bra back on] Let's do this. [turns his back towards Stan] Stan, hook up my bra.
Scene Description: NFL press conference. Roger Goodell is at the podium
Goodell: As commissioner of the NFL, I am so thrilled to see our nation's youth embrace sarcastaball over traditional football. Oh, but why stop there? Since football is so barbaric, we should change too. So let's give a biiig welcome to the new coach of the Denver Broncos, Randy Marsh. [Randy gets applause from the audience as he rises. Goodell shakes Randy's hand] Congratulations, Marsh. Good job!
Randy: Oh thank you, commissioner! I'm thrilled to be a part of this! Thanks!
Goodell: Nice going!
Randy: Yeah, no, you nice going! [they're still shaking hands]
Photographer: Hey guys, how about a nice fucking picture to welcome in the future of sports? [click]
Scene Description: Invesco Field, Denver, Colorado, night.
Announcer: Welcome to the inaugural game of the National Sarcastaball League! As we bring you today's matchup between the Denver Broncos and the Oakland Raiders.
Randy: Yeah, lookin' good, guys! Let's kick some butt! [crosses his arms]
#24: Give them hell, coach! Lovin', not shovin'!
Randy: Oh yeah, good one! [the crowd begins to cheer the teams]
Announcer: And now, here are your Denver Whoop de fucking do girls!
Cheerleaders: Woo! Woo!
Cheerleader 1: Go Broncos! Go!
Cheerleader 2: Whoop de fuckin' do!
Announcer: And now, here to sing the sarcastaball anthem, recording artist, Cee-Lo!
Cee Lo Green:: I love sarcastaball It's so much better than football I'm so glad they got rid of violence in sports 'Cause sarcastaball is so super fun to watch
Fan 1: Woo! Nice job, Cee-Lo! Good to see you on TV some more!
Fan 2: Yeah, I'm a big fan of all your hit songs!
Scene Description: South Park Elementary hallway, day. The boys are walking to class. Kenny's not around, and Clyde and Craig join them
Kyle: Dude, what do you mean "We don't have a coach."?
Stan: Look, I'm sorry guys, my dad said he's too busy with the Broncos. He doesn't have time for us.
Kyle: But our big game with Lakewood is Saturday!
Stan: [stops and faces his friends] I'm sorry. My dad is taking professional sarcastaball really seriously.
Clyde: Well, we might as well call up Lakewood and tell 'em we forfeit. [looks down at the floor]
Kyle: We can't.
Clyde: [somewhat cross] We don't have a coach, Kyle.
Cartman: Who needs a coach? We have Butters.
Butters: Huh?
Craig: Hey yeah.
Stan: [walks up to Butters] The guys are right. From now on, you're team captain, Butters. You lead us to victory.
Butters: Oh jeez n-no, I I don't know, fellas.
Cartman: Butters, you understand this game better than anybody.
Butters: Yeah, but I uh, I I can't be team captain. I... Well I suck at everything.
Stan: Not at this you don't! What about that creamy filling you talked about? That gooey goodness inside you that makes you the butteriest Butters we know?
Butters: 'At's in there. It's overflowing sometimes. [sticks out his tongue a bit]
Kyle: [steps in] We need you, Butters. You're the man! [Butters begins to feel the anticipation]
Scene Description: Butters' bedroom, night. He's in bed asleep, and a dream sequence begins. He's first hoisted up by his teammate and tossed up in the air...
The Team: Bu-tters! Bu-tters! Bu-tters! Bu-tters!
Scene Description: Next he's driving a new red sports car down the street and a crowd of fangirls call out to him as he passes by.
Fangirls: Butters, rah, Butters!
A Fangirl: I love you, Butters!
Butters: [stops his car and looks at the girls] I love you too, ladies. [blows them a kiss]
Scene Description: Next he's at an ice cream parlor with Wendy, in a booth with access from both ends.
Wendy: [to Butters' left] Oh Butters, you know how I feel about the captain of sports teams.
Red: [slides in to Butters' right] Leave him alone, Wendy! He's mine! [they each take a cheek and plant a big kiss on him.]
Butters: Woohoohoohoohoo!
Scene Description: all the excitement in his dreams wakes him up
Butters: Wuh wuuuhhh wuh! [sits up] Wha? Wha? Oh. [smiles, Then looks under the covers] Ohhh... Daaad! It happened again. [the door opens and Stephen steps in] More of my creamy goo came out. [Stephen sits on the bed]
Stephen: Oh. Well uh, that's okay Butters. Remember what we talked about. Sometimes our happy, creamy filling just gets soo full it comes out at night.
Butters: [excitedly] I was havin' happy dreams, about a girl and-!
Stephen: All right Butters, let's... it's happy feelings, let's just not talk about it.
Butters: Okay Dad! [Stephen gets up and walks out, and Butters opens up the top drawer of his night stand. He pulls out a small bottle, gets comfortable again, and collects up all the cream] Oh! Save that, for later. [puts a cap on the bottle]
Scene Description: Invesco Field, Denver, Colorado, night. It's game time, and the Broncos face the Steelers... in sarcastaball uniforms
Announcer: The score is zero to zero as the Steelers kick off to the Broncos.
Cheerleader 1: Go Broncos, Go.
Dan: Manning has the ball. He's saying some really great things about the other team. Manning met by LaMarr Woodley. He's giving the balloon to Woodley. The referee comes in. [the ref blows his whistle and raises his arms] Oh, the referee is calling that a touchdown! Oh wait, now another official is signalling that's a safety!
Randy: [clapping slowly] Oh yeah, nice going, replacement refs!
Dan: They're gonna have to sort this one out with a side judge. [the judge looks at the replay monitor, then looks at the field]
Side Judge: Fuck it, it's a fucking field goal!
Randy: YEAH! [pumps his fist] YEAH! WOO!
Scene Description: Post-game conference. The press is there taking pictures of Randy as he enters the room. Randy stops and grins at everyone
Reporter 1: Coach, three to nothing victory over the Steelers. You must feel like a reeeal winner.
Randy: Yeah, well, the other team was just so awesome on offense I was really scared. [covers his chest with his hands]
Reporter 1: Coach Belichick says, [reads from a small notepad] "No way we can beat the Broncos. They've had the same coach for almost a day."
Randy: Oh yeah, I'm just the guy who invented sarcastaball! There's no way I'd know how to coach it!
Reporter 2: Guess we'll find out on Sunday.
Randy: ...Yeah... [the press leaves and Randy begins to think about next week]
Scene Description: The Broncos' locker room. While the players change into street clothes, Randy enters the room
Randy: All right guys, listen up! Forget about the day off, we need to practice tomorrow.
Broncos: D'awwwww!
Manning: Practice on Monday after a victory? Great!
Randy: That's good, Peyton, but we need to get better.
Manning: Practice on Monday? That's just what I wanna do!
Randy: That's IT! [claps approvingly]
Scene Description: Butters' house, afternoon. His doorbell rings and he answers
Cartman: Hey Butters, you got a minute?
Butters: Wuh sure, Eric. [Cartman walks in and Butters closes the door]
Cartman: I don't now what to do. Kids are starting to make fun of me because, I'm no good at sarcastaball. I suck at being nice and polite. I'm so good at sucking I should work at a Thai massage parlor.
Butters: Uh-uh oh, no E-Eric, you're, why you're a great player.
Cartman: No, I just don't have the mojo you have, Butters.
Butters: Oh, well, ye-Eric, ah I told you: everyone has a creamy filling inside them, where all the feelings of compassion and joy come from. Oh, didn't your dad ever tell you that?
Cartman: ...I don't have a dad.
Butters: ...Oh right, I, I'm sorry. Well, everyone has a creamy filling, Eric. And and some people have so much of that filling that it, that it comes out sometimes. A lot of times, when I go to sleep, and especially if I've had them wonderful dreams that make me feel really good, sometimes I wake up, and when I wake up, I I realize some of my goo has come out. [remembers looking at his groin and saying "Oh jeez, there's a lot this time."] But I always make sure I keep it, just in case I ever run out of all my sunshine happy feelings.
Cartman: You save it all?
Scene Description: Butters' room, moments later. Butters opens up one of the sliding doors to his closet
Butters: My goo doesn't come out every night, but I sure do seem to have a surplus of it. [before them is a wall of semen samples that Butters has been collecting for over a year now. Another shot shows that he's going on two years' worth of semen, with shelves of it on the other two walls]
Cartman: Butters, do you think your goo might work on someone else?
Butters: I don't know. Weh I never really thought of it that way. [Cartman takes a bottle and chugs it down, then analyzes the flavor]
Cartman: Hm, it's kind of a grapey, bleachy flavor.
Butters: Do you feel warm and compassionate?
Cartman: [analyzes some more...] Holy shit I think I do.
Scene Description: Rome, on CBS Sports Network. Jim Rome appears with his fingers forming a steeple, and with a standalone TV monitor to his left. A balloon appears, with SARCASTABALL shown above it
Jim Rome: Welcome back to Rome. We're gonna talk some sarcastaball. I can't wait. I can't wait to talk sarcastaball because it's really compelling. [Randy Marsh appears on the monitor via satellite from his den] Joining me now is the coach of the Denver Broncos and the inventor of sarcastaball, Randy Marsh. Thanks for calling in, Randy. Really happy to have you on the show.
Randy: Yeah, it's awesome to be on your show.
Jim Rome: Randy, first off, thanks for taking the sports that we all love and turning it into a sarcastic nightmare. Way to go.
Randy: Thanks, Jim. 'Cause it's totally what I intended. You know, when I came up with the idea I was sure it was gonna end up like this.
Jim Rome: Well it certainly makes for an exciting game. How about last night's nail-biter that ended zero to zero? That's a game I wanna watch twice. That's a game I wanna watch four times. Check that: I'll watch that game... five times. [POV switch to Randy's den] Good luck on Sunday. I'm sure that'll be another game that I could watch... twelve times. Check that: thirteen times.
Randy: Thanks Jim. [closes the satellite link and switches to a window about sarcastaball strategies and starts working on them. Sharon walks in]
Sharon: Randy, aren't you gonna come join your family for dinner?
Randy: Oh yeah, I've totally got time to do that, Sharon! In fact, how about I go downstairs and make a four-course meal for all of you? Check that: a seven-course meal?
Sharon: Randy, something's happened. Are you un-able to stop being sarcastic?
Randy: Oh, right! I can't stop being sarcastic now!
Sharon: I'm telling you, Randy, I think this sport is doing something to your brain.
Randy: Right, it's doing something to my brain! And now I can't stop being sarcastic!
Sharon: Do you mean that?
Randy: Yes! I totally mean it! [breaks down and begins to tear up] Help me, Sharon. Help me.
Scene Description: Football night at South Park Elementary. The South Park Cows are playing North Park. South Park throws off and the two teams go at each other for hugs.
Butters: All right, first string, cover those wideouts. Tell 'em how much you like their outfits! Clyde, Token! Hug those two players and give their quarterback a kiss. [Cartman approaches North Park's #7 and knocks him down. A referee sees this, blows his whistle and walks over to the two players]
Spectators: Awwwwww!
Stan: Cartman, you idiot!
Butters: Stay positive, Stan! All right guys, cuddle up, cuddle up! [the team huddles - er, cuddles up and Butters continues.] Now what is goin' on out there?
Cartman: That kid is provoking us! He's saying mean things to try and piss us off.
Clyde: Yeah. We need more of your mojo, Butters.
Butters: Oh, all right. Well all right, here you go. [Butters passes bottles of his semen around to the other boys, and they all drink the bottles down]
Scene Description: A hospital, day. Randy is in for a CT scan. He's on the tray and slowly goes in head first. His head is scanned and he's soon rolled out of the scanner. Results come in and are posted on an easel in a doctor's office for the doctor to peruse.
Doctor: Uh hum. Mmm. [turns towards Randy and Sharon] I'm sorry, Mr. Marsh, but there appears to be permanent damage.
Randy: [dejected] Oh boy, this is great! My week just keeps getting better.
Sharon: How do we fix this, doctor?
Doctor: You don't. I'm sorry, there... just isn't enough research in how sarcasm affects the brain.
Randy: So that's it. [gets up and walks around] I should just go home and forget about what this sport has done to me. Let thousands of people play sarcastaball and get hurt too! [points to the doctor]
Doctor: Oh, really? You, you think there's a correlation between sarcasm and sarcastaball? [gets into a thinking mode] Really? [rolls his eyes] That's fascinating. Please, go on.
Randy: No, sarcastaball has nothing to do with it. I just... I just really enjoy being sarcastic and so I must be finding an excuse.
Doctor: You know, I have a 50-year-old Alzheimer's patient out in the waiting room who can't even remember his family, but... let's forget about him and focus on how sarcastaball might be damaging people's brains.
Randy: My son is out there playing that game! It's heartwarming to see you have such high regard for his safety!
Doctor: Okay, well I've got a better idea. Let's get all the funding for cancer research and genetic diseases, let's, let's take all that money and make commercials that say "Hey America, sarcasm might not be such a great thing for your brain."
Randy: Thank you, doctor. Thank you so much! [turns left and leaves, and Sharon is thoroughly confused. She looks around]
Scene Description: A commercial
Jim Rome: Jim Rome here. Hey, I love sarcastaball just as much as the next guy, but sometimes it's so thrilling I need an extra burst of energy to get me through a game. That's when I reach for a bottle of this. [holds up a small bottle, now in mass production] Butters' Creamy Goo. [the commercial follows]
Voice-over: [#18 runs with the balloon] You play hard. You need a sports drink that gives you that extra boost. [a split screen appears, with windows for football, basketball, women's soccer, and hockey] Sports these days are all about being nice, so take your game to the next level [#18 opens up a bottle of Butters' Creamy Goo and drinks it]. With Butters' Creamy Goo. [a cyclist opens a bottle and drinks it. Some of it splatters on his face] You'll be filled with feelings of good tidings and be nicer than a ray of sunshine. [a round window expands and Butters pops in through it]
Butters: Like me!
Jim Rome: Get with it, and get the Goo!
Voice-over: Butters' Creamy Goo is chock full of all the essentials an athlete needs. Commitment! Compassion! And Comradery! And now it's available in quart size!
Tom Brady: When I get hot and tired, only one thing can boost my compassion. [drinks it down and keeps it there with some effort. A goo mustache stays on his upper lip] Now I'm back in the game! [Two players carry a bucket of goo and dump it on their coach.]
Singer: Go and chug a bottle of Butters' Creamy Goo!
Voice-Over: [an open bottle of it falls right side up to the grass and some goo spills out] Best served just above room temperature.
Scene Description: A night game, with South Park against another team
Butters: 42! Red 13! Sunshine and happy thoughts! Sunshine and happy thoouughts! HUT! [Cartman tosses the balloon back at him, and the players move forward. Butters backs up for a pass and throws the balloon up. The other team's player, #9, is ready] Oh no, that kid's gonna intercept it! [#9 catches it and grins] Good job, kid! [an SUV rools onto the field, crushing #9 before it stops. The balloon bounces away unscathed. Randy is shown driving the SUV, with Sharon in tow]
Randy: STAN?! Stan! [the players break their hugs and look at Randy]
Stan: Dad?
Randy: [runs with Sharon towards him] Get in the car, Stan! We're going home!
Stan: What?
Sharon: We're sorry, Stanley, we don't want you playing this sport anymore.
Mr. Mackey: Hey, get off the field! M'kay?! [Randy walks to the sideline to address the crowd]
Randy: Everyone! Everyone, listen! There's something you all need to know about sarcastaball. It turns out... it's totally safe. [a lot of fans have bought bottles of Butters' Creamy Goo] Yeah, it's super safe! It's like so safe that we should have every kid play it-ugh! [gets a headache] Oh! Sorry, sorry. Hang on. Gotta not be so sarcastic. Ahem, let me try that again. Listen everyone... if you let your kids play sarcastaball, you're a fucking genius! Ogh!.. Gyugh! Cut, sorry. Let me try this again. [clears his throat again] Look, what I'm trying to say is, we should have like, 10 sarcastaball leagues, because then everyone-! Would- [stomps his right foot in anger] God damn it!
Sharon: Stanley, just get your things and come on. We're going home!
Stan: Whoa, whoa, you can't, you can't tell me what to do!
Randy: Yeah, we're your parents! We can't tell you what to do!
Sharon: Don't you see what this sport has done to your father? Do you want to end up like him?
Stan: Oh, right, like he doesn't exaggerate every disease he gets!
Sharon: [stunned at the sarcasm coming from Stan] Ohohh, Randy, it's happening! [cries and turns towards Randy for a hug, which he gives]
Butters: [walks up and stands next to Stan] Mr. Marsh, listen. I know you care about your son, but he's a heck of a player! He's good at tickling, laughing, and getting along.
Randy: Look, the point has been made, okay?! I'm warning you, being this sarcastic is dangerous!
Stan: We're not being sarcastic, Dad! Is it so hard to believe that we really enjoy a sport that has no violence? Is it so hard for you to believe that when Butters says "Competitiveness can be compassionate," he's being completely sincere?
Randy: I don't see how anyone could play this game with any sincerity.
Cartman: That's because you're too grumpy and negative to believe it. What you need... is a sports drink that can boost your levels of caring and goodness.
Stan: Yeah Dad. You need some of this. [walks forward and gives him a small bottle of Butters' Creamy Goo. Randy takes it and opens it, looking at the contents, then drinks it]
Randy: ...[deadpans] This is cum. [everyone's jaws drop]
Scene Description: Butters' room, night. Stephen and Linda are in the room, and just outside are Sheila, Randy, Stuart, and Liane.
Stephen: And you can just sit here in your room and think about what you've done! [Butters is on his bed, looking chastened] Just because people try and make football a little safer by changing a kickoff rule doesn't mean YOU need to take it to "Oh, why don't we just drink each other's cum?"! Sarcasm like that is homophobic, chauvinistic, and completely lacking in maturity! Any questions?!
Butters: What's sarcasm and what's cum?
Stephen: We'll talk about that when you're older.
Randy: Come on, everybody, let's work on that kick off change and get back to some football. [all the adults leave, with Stephen closing the door behind him. Butters sighs, then gets under his covers for the night. As he drifts off to sleep, we get this voice-over]
Jim Rome: Welcome back to Rome. Some of you might have seen me on TV last night. Turns out the drink I endorsed was semen. Turns out a little kid was just bein' sarcastic. That kid's probably grounded for a month. Check that: I'm sure he's grounded for two months. And a week. Football needs to be made safer, so why don't we have players in bras drinking semen? Yeah, that's a fastball right there. That's a real stroke of philosophic genius! More little kids drinking semen to finally bring back real football, and I don't know what else to say but "So long, sarcastaball, it was nice knowin' you." Let's just hope nothin' like this ever happens again. Probably won't. Not for another year. Check that: couple of days.
Butters: [wakes up and gasps] DAD! Hey, Dad!
Stephen: [walks in] What?
Butters: My wiener is all stiff and pointy!
Stephen: Oh, well, Butters, that's just the friendly compass. See, whenever you have friends in the area, your little compass there tells you where they are. It's pointing up because Jesus is your friend.
Butters: Thanks, Dad.