Scene Description: October 30, Outer Space. Mir Space Station is shown orbiting earth.
Comrade 1: Vladned chaviski. Bodad comrade Dobalsted.(Propulsion systems stable... No problems with Mir...)
Scene Description: A second comrade, in an alien mask, sneaks up on the first.
Comrade 2: Graaah.
Comrade 1: Ayyy!
Comrade 2: Porchad. Hehe, vlided il chalfeka(Gotcha, Happy Halloween)
Comrade 1: Shtaad, boded but shtaad.(You scared me, you communist bastard)
Scene Description: A warning button flashes. The message beneath it reads: УфпхзиWarningUna Problema
Comrade 2: Oh, shtool.(Oh...Crap)
Comrade 1: Shtool.(Crap)
Scene Description: Bus Stop. The boys await the bus. Mir crashes. One end of it falls on top of Kenny, narrowly missing the other boys.
Stan: Oh my God! They killed Kenny!
Kyle: You bastards!
Cartman: What the hell is that thing?
Kyle: It looks like a UFO.
Cartman: There's no such thing as UFOs.
Scene Description: Sirens wail as ambulance pulls up. Two paramedics go over to Kenny's corpse.
Paramedic: Let's get 'im to the morgue.
Scene Description: They put his corpse in a body bag, then toss the bag into the ambulence and drive off.
Cartman: Hey, wait til you see my Halloween costume tomorrow. It kicks ass.
Kyle: Dude, it can't be cooler than mine.
Stan: Hey man, we gotta get home and get our costumes ready.
Scene Description: They walk off.
Scene Description: South Park Morgue. Outside, an owl hoots, then a crow reaches the morgue's sign and shits on it. Inside the morgue a mortician places a hose into Kenny, blood starts flowing out.
Mortician: You know, I think death is least funny when it happens to a child.
Scene Description: Marty places a hose into Kenny, green embalming fluid flows in.
Marty: Oh, yes, I know what you mean.
Scene Description: Marty pulls out a hot dog, pours Worcestershire sauce on it, and takes a bite.
Mortician: Marty, do you have to put that stuff on everything?
Marty: I don't know, it ju- it just makes everything taste so...English.
Mortician: Well, let's let him drain.
Scene Description: They walk away. Worcestershire sauce falls over and pours into embalming fluid. Kenny's eyes open, and he gets up.
Mortician: ...So then the necrophiliac says, "If this ain't a cadaver then I-"
Scene Description: Kenny busts through a door and takes a bite out of the mortician's head.
Mortician: Hey!
Scene Description: Kenny bites Marty's shoulder.
Marty: Aaah!
Scene Description: Kenny walks away.
Marty: God damn! That little turd bit me!
Mortician: Me too!
Scene Description: Kenny leaves the morgue and an owl hoots.
Scene Description: Bus Stop. Kyle is standing there with a Chewbacca mask on. Stan walks up; his costume consists of red yarn hair and big rosy cheeks.
Kyle: Ha ha, you look like a pansy.
Stan: Shut up Kyle!
Kyle: What uh, what are you supposed to be?
Stan: I'm Raggedy Andy.
Kyle: Hehe. Why the hell did you dress up like Raggedy Andy dude?
Stan: Wendy's going as Raggedy Ann, and she said this way we'd win the costume contest for sure.
Kyle: No way dude. I'm gonna win the costume contest with this sweet Chewbacca costume.
Stan: Wendy said that first prize is two tons of candy.
Kyle: Wow! Cool!
Scene Description: Cartman walks up.
Cartman: Hey, dudes.
Kyle: Cartman! What kind of costume is that?
Cartman: It's Adolf Hitler costume. Sieg Heil, sieg heil.
Stan: Where'd you get that?
Cartman: My mom made it, isn't it cool?
Kyle: No it's not cool!
Cartman: What are you supposed to be Stan, Howdy Doody?
Stan: No, I'm Raggedy Andy, fat-ass!
Cartman: Ohh, heh- wow, you look pretty cool.
Scene Description: He and Kyle laugh.
Kyle: Hehe. Sissy.
Stan: I'll kick your ass, Kyle!
Cartman: Oh look out, Holly Hobby's all pissed off!
Scene Description: Kenny's corpse approaches.
Stan: Hey look, Kenny's not dead.
Kyle: You forgot to wear a costume Kenny.
Stan: Yeah, what's the matter? Couldn't your family afford a costume for you?
Kyle: Yeah, why's your family so poor Kenny?
Cartman: Kenny's family is so poor that, yesterday, they had to put their cardboard box up for a second mortgage.
Scene Description: Stan laughs. Kenny does nothing while birds chirp.
Cartman: I said, your family had to put a cardboard box up for a second mortgage, Kenny!
Scene Description: Silence.
Cartman: I'm talking to you Kenny, achtung!
Scene Description: Silence.
Cartman: Poor piece of crap.
Scene Description: Ms. Crabtree's bus pulls up.
Ms. Crabtree: COME ON, WE'RE RUNNING LATE!
Stan: Aah, we're always running late you ugly stank.
Ms. Crabtree: WHAT DID YOU SAY?!
Stan: I said, "I can't wait to own a fishing tank."
Ms. Crabtree: Oh, neither can I.
Scene Description: South Park Clinic. Marty and the mortician are being treated.
Doctor: [á la James Stewart] Very interesting.
Mortician: What, what is it doc?
Doctor: Well, your- your temperature is only 55 degrees, you have no pulse, no heartbeat, and your, your eyes are all puffy and sticky.
Mortician: Oh no, you mean...
Doctor: Yeah, I'm afraid the two of you have - Pink Eye.
Scene Description: Marty and the mortician gasp.
Doctor: I'd give you topical medicine, but I don't wanna touch ya.
Marty: Oh I'm so hungry, and all I can think about eating is, eh, brains!
Doctor: Yeah, well for God sake don't touch your eyes. I'll prescribe some antibiotics.
Scene Description: South Park Elementary. The boys are walking into class.
Kyle: Just wait till everyone sees my sweet Chewbacca costume. They're gonna be so jealous...
Scene Description: The entire class has a Chewbacca mask on.
Stan: Whoa, dude!
Kyle: Everyone came as Chewbacca?!
Scene Description: Mr. Garrison is in drag, Mr. Hat has a Chewbacca mask on.
Mr. Garrison: It sure does seem to be a popular costume this year Kyle.
Mr. Hat: Roar.
Scene Description: Kyle throws off his mask.
Kyle: Dammit!
Stan: Wendy?
Wendy: Hi, Stan.
Stan: You said we were going to be Raggedy Ann and Andy, remember?
Wendy: Yeahhh?
Stan: We were going to enter the costume contest as a pair.
Wendy: I know, but then... I guess I just realized how stupid we would look.
Stan: You what?!
Wendy: I thought you would reach the same conclusion, so, I came as Chewbacca.
Scene Description: Stan bangs his head against a desk.
Bill: Heheh. Heheh.
Fosse: Hey Stan, you look almost pretty enough to kiss.
Bill: Yeah, you want to be my girlfriend? Huhuh.
Scene Description: Stan bangs his head again.
Fosse: Yehaha.
Bill: Huhuh.
Cartman: There, you see? All of a sudden, my costume is pretty badass, huh?
Kyle: Dude, dressing up like Hitler is not badass!
Cartman: You're just jealous! Why don't you go back to Endor you stupid wookie?!
Kyle: Wookies don't live on Endor!
Cartman: [In a mocking voice.] Wookies don't live on Endor.
Kyle: Well at least my mom's not on the cover of Crack Whore magazine!
Cartman: What?! What did you say?
Mr. Garrison: Okay now, all you little Chewbaccas take your seats. Children, since today is Halloween, I thought we should learn something about the great horror writer, Jackie Collins. You see, when Jackie Collins first wrote her novel-
Scene Description: Kenny's arm falls off and Mr. Garrison stops.
Scene Description: Wendy looks down at it.
Wendy: Eww.
Mr. Garrison: Is there a problem Kenny?
Scene Description: Silence.
Mr. Garrison: Let's try to keep our hands and arms to ourselves, okay?
Kyle: I'm never gonna win that two tons of candy looking like everybody else!
Scene Description: In front of Cartman's House. Liane is decorating the house and yard, and she sings...
Liane: Oooh, I'm gonna decorate the house for Halloween, with scary ghosts and bats and creepy crawly things...
Scene Description: She places a poster of Richard Nixon (aka Tricky Dick) on the door. Two zombies, formerly the mortician and Marty, pass by.
Liane: Hello there!
Zombie: Uuuhh.
Liane: Happy Halloween!
Zombie Mortician: Must eat brains.
Scene Description: They attack a passer by, eating his brains and tearing his arms off.
Liane: It's the most wonderful time of the year, do do do do do do do do-
Passer-by: Aaargh!!! Oh my God!!!
Scene Description: The zombies finish him off.
Scene Description: School Cafeteria.
Kyle: I'm gonna make a new costume during recess. I can still win that candy.
Cartman: Hey Kenny, are you gonna eat your pudding? [As Kenny.] No Eric, go ahead and take my pudding, if you'd like. [As himself.] Why thank you Kenny. How nice of you.
Kyle: Aren't you hungry Kenny?
Scene Description: Kenny just sits there.
Stan: He hasn't moved an inch, or said anything.
Chef: Hello, children.
Kyle, Stan: Hey, Chef.
Scene Description: Chef notices Cartman's Hitler costume.
Chef: What in the hell are you doing dressed up like that?!
Cartman: Eating Kenny's pudding.
Scene Description: Principal Victoria walks up.
Principal Victoria: Hello there, children. Ooh, love the Elvis costume, Chef.
Chef: Elvis? I'm Evel Knievel. Why the hell would I dress up like Elvis?
Principal Victoria: Well, why the hell would you dress up like Evel Knievel?
Scene Description: She turns to the boys.
Principal Victoria: Anyway, I hope that you kids are-Daagh!
Scene Description: Noticing Cartman's costume.
Principal Victoria: Eric! God bless it! what do you think you're doing?!
Cartman: Hey, he said I could have his pudding! Ask him yourself.
Scene Description: As Kenny, poking the side of Kenny's head with a fork for effect.
Cartman: That's right, Principal Victoria. It's okay with me because Eric is cool.
Principal Victoria: Where did you get that costume, young man?!
Cartman: My mom made it. Sieg Heil, Sieg Heil!
Principal Victoria: Sshh! Oh, God bless America.
Scene Description: She grabs Cartman's shoulder; he starts screaming.
Principal Victoria: You get into my office before anyone else sees you. I have to show you an educational video.
Cartman: Eeehh, I don't want to see a educational video-o.
Scene Description: Principal Victoria drags him from the table. Clyde enters the cafeteria with his lunch, and Kenny turns toward him and bites him on the arm.
Clyde: Owww, you bit my arm!
Scene Description: Clyde's arm begins to throb and glow.
Kyle: [Pleased.] Oh, good. Kenny's back to normal.
Scene Description: Principal Victoria's office.
Principal Victoria: Watch the video Eric.
Scene Description: She starts up the VCR. Adolf Hitler is shown and several Nazi soldiers are passing by with guns.
Narrator: Adolph Hitler was a very, very naughty man!
Adolf Hitler: Schnell ach. Lovental bros lieben. Alle Menschen werden Brüder. Doktor Stalin? Alarm! Menchoss? Zellan vei zamboa-
Scene Description: Cartman begins daydreaming of himself as Hitler.
Cartman: Juden est verboten, a den ascriber utz, kapieda hockuh. Juden est verboten, God dammit!
Puffy the Bear: So remember kids, dressing like Hitler in school isn't cool!
Scene Description: Principal Victoria turns off the TV.
Principal Victoria: Now, do you have any questions?
Cartman: [Gleefully.] Could I see that again? That was cool.
Principal Victoria: You must remove that costume, immediately!
Cartman: I can't, I have to win those two tons of candy.
Principal Victoria: Well, how about we make you a new costume. Let's see now.
Scene Description: She spies a white sheet behind Cartman.
Principal Victoria: Aha, thought of something. How about we make you a nice scary ghost costume?
Cartman: [Whining.] I don't wanna be a stupid scary ghost!
Principal Victoria: Aaand, let me just make a few quickie alterations, and there ya go, young man.
Scene Description: Cartman looks suspiciously like a Ku Klux Klan member.
Scene Description: South Park Street. Pack of zombies walks down the street. A pair of joggers are jogging.
Jogger: Ho, looks like they got a touch of that pink eye that's going around.
Scene Description: The zombies attack the joggers, who scream for their lives.
Scene Description: School gym, the costume contest is about to start.
Cartman: Boo! I'm a ghost.
Stan: Oh man, I feel like a total choad.
Cartman: Aw, come on Stan, maybe that's just because you look like a total choad.
Chef: Hello, children.
Cartman: Hey Chef.
Chef: Aaaaah!
Scene Description: Chef runs away
Cartman: Whoa, Chef's really scared of ghosts, huh?
Stan: Hey, where's Kyle?
Scene Description: Kyle bursts in through the doors.
Kyle: Check this out!
Stan: Whoa, dude!
Cartman: What is that?
Kyle: I'm the whole solar system! The planets even all revolve the right way. That tub of candy is as good as mine!
Scene Description: Mr. Garrison blows a whistle.
Mr. Garrison: Okay children, let's get you lined up so the judge can get a good look at your stupid little costumes.
Scene Description: They line up on the stage.
Mr. Garrison: Children, this year we have a celebrity judge, the star of 'Family Ties', Miss Tina Yothers.
Scene Description: Some scattered applause.
Cartman: Who?
Kyle: Dude, I thought she was dead.
Stan: Yeah, me too.
Scene Description: Tina hands Mr. Garrison the results.
Mr. Garrison: Thank you Miss Yothers. Okay, the second place award for best costume goes to... Kenny, for his Edward James Olmos costume.
Scene Description: Tina places a second place ribbon on Kenny.
Mr. Garrison: ...And the award for the very best costume goes to... Wendy, for her Chewbacca costume!
Scene Description: Tina places a first place ribbon on Wendy.
Kyle: What?! But she looks just like everybody else. Up yours, Tina Yothers!
Scene Description: Tina looks on shocked.
Mr. Garrison: And the award for worst costume this year goes to... Stan, for his stupid little clown thing costume. Let's all point at Stan and laugh, children. [Everyone laughs.] Yeah.
Stan: Thanks a lot, Wendy! You ruined my Halloween!
Wendy: Relax Stan. You'll feel better once we're out trick-or-treating.
Stan: I don't wanna trick-or-treat with you. You lied to me.
Mr. Garrison: Okay, children. Let's all gather around and bob for stupid apples now. You go first, Bebe.
Scene Description: Bebe begins bobbing for apples.
Mr. Garrison: That's good, just use those mouth muscles like the girls in Beijing.
Clyde: Brainnns. Ahh.
Scene Description: Clyde attacks Bebe, attempting to eat her brains.
Mr. Garrison: Wait your turn Clyde.
Scene Description: Outside Chef's House. Somebody jumps out from behind a bush.
Johnson: Uuuuuuuuuuuuuhh!
Chef: Ah! Damn Johnson, what the hell's gotten into you?
Johnson: Piiink eyyye.
Chef: Get the hell out of here Johnson! I don't want no god damn pink eye!
Scene Description: Chef closes the door and sits down to watch TV.
Scene Description: News 4 Special Report, referring to Mir's crash landing.
Tom: ...And the President responded to the incident by saying, quote, "Screw those Commie bastards, and screw their little wussy space station."
Scene Description: The backdrop shifts to a pair of pink eyes.
Tom: In other news, a pink eye epidemic is now sweeping the town of South Park. Here with a live report is a midget wearing a bikini.
Scene Description: Cut to Midget, behind which zombies are shown ransacking the town.
Midget: Thanks Tom, already more than half the townspeople here in South Park have been infected with the pink eye virus.
Scene Description: Zombies are shown attacking another townsperson, and generally ransacking South Park.
Midget: Symptoms include a complete loss of heart functions, blood pressure, lung activity, and of course, sticky puffy eyes.
Chef: Pink eye my ass. I've seen this kind of thing before.
Scene Description: At the bus stop, nighttime.
Cartman: Where the hell is Kyle, we don't have all night to wait for him.
Stan: I bet I get more candy than you dude.
Cartman: Are you crazy?! I'm the candy master.
Stan: No, no, you're the ass master, there's a difference.
Cartman: Hey, I'm not the one who walked around all day looking like Pippi Longstocking.
Stan: Oh yeah? Well, at least my mom's not on the cover of Crack Whore magazine!
Cartman: God damn it, my mom is not on the cover of Crack Whore magazine!!
Scene Description: Kyle arrives dressed as a vampire.
Kyle: Hey dudes.
Stan: Oh, good, you're here. Now let's make sure we got everything. Flashlight...
Cartman: Check.
Stan: Plastic pumpkin pails...
Kyle: Check.
Stan: Taser...
Scene Description: Stan lights it up.
Kyle: What's that?
Stan: For shocking people who try to give us granola treats, or something.
Cartman: Yeah, granola pisses me off.
Scene Description: Kenny arrives.
Kyle, Stan: Hey Kenny.
Cartman: Whew! Eh, you stink Kenny.
Kyle: You still didn't get a costume Kenny?
Scene Description: Silence.
Cartman: Eh, too bad drinking scotch isn't a paying job, or else Kenny's dad would be a millionaire.
Scene Description: Silence.
Cartman: I said your dad would be a millionaire, get it?! Kenny?! Your family is poor Kenny!! Your family's poor!!!
Scene Description: Silence.
Cartman: I don't like Kenny anymore, he, he just doesn't communicate.
Wendy: Hi guys.
Cartman: Hi Wendy.
Stan: [Pointedly.] How's your barrel full of candy Wendy?
Wendy: Oh, I didn't want all that sweet stuff. I gave it away to hungry children in Nairobi.
Cartman: You what?! Are you insane?!
Wendy: Let's go trick-or-treats.
Stan: I don't think so Wendy, I think you've had enough candy for one day.
Wendy: Stan, I'm awful sorry you got dressed up like Raggedy Andy. Please don't be mad.
Cartman: How can he be mad with such pretty hair and rosy cheeks?
Stan: Trick-or-treat with yourself, Wendy!
Wendy: But Stan!
Stan: No buts, Wendy! I wish you were dead!
Scene Description: The boys walk away. Wendy looks dejected. A low moan is heard and a shadow overcomes her.
Wendy: AAAAAAAAAAAH!
Scene Description: South Park Clinic. A patient turns to the side and coughs.
Chef: Doctor!
Doctor: Why, hello Chef. Let me guess, pink eye, right?
Chef: No, no doctor, I've seen this type of thing before. This ain't no pink eye, it's the living dead.
Doctor: What the hell are you talking about?
Chef: Think about it: Dead people getting up and walking around, and Tina Yothers comin' to town? Coincidence?? Oooh I don't think so!
Doctor: Chef, Ah- I think maybe the pink eye has made you a little delirious. Le- let me give you some, some topical cream.
Chef: Damn it, don't you see? These people have been thematized. They got no heartbeat, no feeling. I'll show you. Errr!
Scene Description: Chef tears off Mr. Torres' arm. Mr. Torres is gushing blood.
Mr. Torres: Aaah!
Doctor: Uhh, Mr. Torres was here for a routine check-up Chef.
Chef: Oh, sorry.
Scene Description: Chef tries to replace Mr. Torres' arm.
Chef: But my point is, that topical cream ain't gonna fix what's wrong here.
Scene Description: Mr. Torres falls over, in shock from blood loss.
Doctor: Hey hey, now, now, there, there have been a lot of incredible advances in topical creams over the last few years.
Chef: Doctor, who is the first person to come in here with the sickness?
Doctor: Well, uh, i- it was the mortician and his assistant at the morgue, yeah.
Scene Description: Zombies burst through the doctor's door.
Chef: Aaaaaaaaaah!
Scene Description: Chef leaps out the doctor's window as zombies close in on the doctor.
Doctor: Now, now, now let's, let's form a line, I've got enough topical cream for everybody.
Scene Description: They attack.
Doctor: Ahh!
Scene Description: In front of a House. The kids ring the doorbell.
The Boys: Trick-or-treat!
Scene Description: Kenny's other arm falls off.
Elderly Woman: Ohh, how cute.
Scene Description: Reaches to place candy in Cartman's pail. Kenny attacks her arm with a vengeance.
Elderly Woman: Aaah!
Stan: Dude, Kenny!
Elderly Woman: Oh, My God! Call 911, call 911!
Scene Description: She retreats and shuts the door.
Cartman: Nice going Kenny, she was about to give us candy.
Scene Description: From inside her home.
Elderly Woman: Call 911!
Stan: Yeah, she had Sweetie Pops.
Cartman: You owe me a Sweetie Pop, asshole!
Scene Description: City Hall. Chef bursts into the Mayor's office.
Chef: Mayor, we've got a big problem.
Scene Description: There is a pile of money on the Mayor's desk. Barbrady is presently wearing a garter and fishnet stockings. The Mayor stands up, her blouse in disarray.
Mayor McDaniels: Ugh!
Scene Description: Gets up from under her desk.
Mayor McDaniels: Why, why Chef. What a surprise!
Scene Description: Chef lets out a sigh of exasperation.
Officer Barbrady: You're probably wondering why we're standing here with a pile of money and no pants on.
Chef: Actually, uh-
Mayor: Well, I can assure you that it has absolutely nothing to do with the Japanese Mafia.
Officer Barbrady: [Wagging his finger.] Not a thingy-dingy.
Chef: I don't really give a crap! We've got to do something about the living dead!
Mayor McDaniels: You mean, Tina Yothers?
Scene Description: Barbrady and McDaniels chortle.
Chef: No, dammit! I'm talking about the zombies that have taken over South Park!
Officer Barbrady: Well, Evel Knievel, why don't you jump over them with your rocket cycle?
Scene Description: Barbrady and McDaniels laugh.
Chef: [Pissed.] Aw, the hell with you both!
Scene Description: leaves the office.
Mayor McDaniels: Well, let's get back to it.
Officer Barbrady: Righty-o.
Scene Description: The Mayor lies down behind the desk.
Scene Description: Another House, another doorbell. A large individual opens the door.
The Boys: Trick-or-treat.
Dude: Hope you kids like chocolate-peanut butter-cream puffies.
Scene Description: Kenny attacks his shoulder.
Dude: Aaah!
Scene Description: Kenny is literally feasting on this guy. The guy twirls around as he says.
Dude: Get it off! Get it off me!! Gaaah!
Scene Description: He falls down, Kenny takes chunks out of his skull and eats them.
Cartman: Damn it! We'll never get any candy if Kenny keeps eating people!
Stan: Yeah! That's it Kenny, you can't trick-or-treat with us anymore!
Scene Description: The boys pass by a house being overrun by zombies.
Somebody: Oh, God!
Scene Description: Yet another house, yet another bell. Three KKK guys open the door.
The Boys: Trick-or-treat.
Scene Description: the Klansmen stare back.
Cartman: Heyy. They're all dressed up like ghosts too.
Scene Description: One of the guys places a single candy in Cartman's pail.
Cartman: One Tootie Bar? You cheap bastards!
Scene Description: Cartman, Kyle, and Stan walk through downtown South Park. Zombies are tearing up the town. Ned and Jimbo can be seen on a rooftop firing at the zombies. Two zombies are playing hot potato with a head.
Female: Oh my God!
Scene Description: A person off to the left is decapitated.
Female: Oh my God!
Scene Description: A zombie picks up a car and drops it on a child.
Female: Nooo!
Scene Description: Chef's House, and the boys ring his bell.
The Boys: Trick-or-t-Aaah!
Scene Description: Chef appears with two chainsaws in hand.
Chef: Get off my property you brain eatin' zombie bastards!
The Boys: Hey, Chef, trick-
Stan, Kyle: Chef! No!
Chef: [Suddenly calm.] Oh, sorry children. I thought you were one of them.
Cartman: Can we have some candy now please?!
Chef: Damn it boy, what in the hell are you doin' dressed up like that?!
Cartman: I'm trying to trick-or-treat God dammit!
Chef: Remind me to whup your ass good next time I see ya. Now, get in here before those zombies getcha!
Scene Description: The kids enter and sit on his sofa.
Stan: What are you talking about Chef?
Chef: Zombies children. South Park is overrun with the living dead. Haven't you noticed anything strange lately?
Kyle: Well, not really, except that Kenny keeps eating people's brains.
Chef: Don't you children see, Kenny's turned into a zombie. Along with everyone else in town.
Stan: Oh my God, that means...
Kyle: If everyone is turned into zombies...
Cartman: Then, there won't be anyone to give us candy!
Scene Description: Stan and Kyle gasp.
Cartman: Aaah!
Kyle: Chef, you've gotta help us!
Chef: I'm working on it children.
Scene Description: Packs the chainsaw.
Stan: Wait, where are we going?
Chef: The doctor said the first people he treated were the mortician and his assistant. Now, I've gotta hunch we'll get to the bottom of this... at the morgue.
Scene Description: Kyle farts. Stan and Cartman laugh.
Cartman: It was Kyle.
Scene Description: South Park Morgue.
Stan: I don't know about this Chef.
Kyle: Yeah, I'm scared.
Cartman: Remember candy, focus on the candy.
Scene Description: Inside the Morgue.
Stan: What are we doing here Chef?
Chef: Just look for anything suspicious.
Scene Description: Kyle looks around the desk.
Kyle: I found it! I found it!
Stan: What?
Scene Description: holding up an issue of Crack Whore magazine, with Liane Cartman on the cover.
Kyle: See Cartman, your mom is on the cover.
Cartman: Eh, shit...
Stan: We told you dude.
Cartman: You guys, shit...
Chef: You better let me take that Kyle.
Scene Description: Chef takes the magazine.
Stan: Hey Chef. Look
Scene Description: Stan and Chef see the embalming fluid, and the knocked over Worcestershire sauce bottle. Chef retrieves the bottle and reads the label, which says: WARNING! Not to be used as embalming fluid! Emergency Hotline 1-800-555-5633
Chef: I gotta call this hotline number children.
Scene Description: Pip bursts through a window.
Pip: Piiink eye!
Cartman: It's the British kid! He's a little limey zombie now!
Pip: Aaah!
Scene Description: More zombies are bursting into the Morgue.
Chef: Look out children!
Scene Description: Four zombies break through a wall. One comes out from a file cabinet. One stands in front of the boys and threatens them. Four more come through the wall next to the window, followed by Kenny. Stan pummels the threatening zombie with a baseball bat and takes him out.
Zombie: Ow, ooh, ow, gowuh-
Stan: Okay Chef, dial the hotline number. Chef?
Scene Description: He looks to his right and sees that Chef is now a zombie, dressed like Michael Jackson in the "Thriller" video.
Kyle: Chef!!!
Scene Description: He begins to dance, and the zombies join him. During the song, the zombies are dancing, as though elaborately choreographed.
Chef: I'm gonna make love, even when I'm dead. My body might get cold, but it's always hot in my bed. Make looove, don't you be afraid; Just because my heart ain't beatin', it don't mean you won't get laid.
Scene Description: Wolf howl, then Chef lets loose a howl.
Stan: Let's get out of here!
Scene Description: The boys leave.
Scene Description: Chef opens his jacket.
Chef: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Scene Description: In the cemetery by the morgue.
Stan: We gotta call that Worcecestershire sauce hotline.
Cartman: Hey, there's a pay phone!
Stan: You call the number Kyle.
Kyle: But the zombies are coming!
Stan: We'll hold 'em off.
Hotline Voice: Welcome to the Worcestershire Sauce customer service hotline. For Worcestershire sauce recipes please press 1 followed by the pound sign. For Worcestershire sauce product placement, please press 2. If Worcestershire sauce has been used as embalming, please pr...
Scene Description: Kyle quickly presses 3 while Stan and Cartman are both wielding chainsaws and being surrounded by zombies.
Cartman: Nobody screws up my trick-or-treats and gets away with it!
Scene Description: He removes the head and arm from one zombie.
Cartman: Aaah, kew!
Scene Description: Stan removes the heads from two zombies at once.
Stan: Sweet!
Scene Description: More zombies surround Stan and Cartman. Zombie Chef is distracted by the issue of Crack Whore Magazine.
Hotline Voice: Worcestershire sauce emergency hotline, this call might be monitored to ensure you the highest quality service, how may I help you?
Kyle: There's a bunch of zombies here!
Hotline Voice: Please hold.
Scene Description: Stan and Cartman are laying into zombies, heads are flying everywhere. Cartman takes one zombie in the groin while Stan is shown removing the head from another. Wendy approaches, Stan turns to see who's next.
Stan: Wendy?
Wendy: Aaahahah!
Cartman: Finish her dude, she's a zombie now!
Stan: I know, but uh-... but...
Cartman: Come on Stan! Remember how she dissed you at the costume contest?
Stan: Hey, yeah!
Scene Description: Stan starts revving the chainsaw.
Hotline Voice: For regular sauce, the first thing you need to do is make sure that you do not just go out and start decapitating zombies left and right. Do you understand? Do not start decapitating zombies left and right!
Kyle: Uh, okay. Then what?
Wendy: Aaahh.
Stan: [Apologetically.] Wendy, I know we had a fight, and I did wish you were dead, but, I didn't mean it.
Cartman: Kill her Stan!
Hotline Voice: All you have to do is kill the original zombie. The one that started the whole mess. Once you kill the original zombie, all the others zombies will turn back to normal.
Kyle: Original zombie? Well, how the hell do we know who the original zombie is?!
Hotline Voice: We realize you have a choice in worcestershire sauces, we are delighted that...
Scene Description: Kyle hangs up and stops.
Kyle: Wait a minute, that thing landed on Kenny, and they took him to the mortuary.
Wendy: Aaah!
Stan: I, I can't.
Wendy: Aaah!
Scene Description: Kyle runs in with a third chain saw and cuts Kenny in half.
Kyle: Oh my God! I killed Kenny! You bastard!
Scene Description: Wendy's zombie look fades.
Wendy: Oh, what happened? Stan?
Stan: Don't worry babe. Everything's going to be okay.
Kyle: It's working! They're turning back to normal.
Chef: You did it children!
Cartman: Ok, let's go trick-or-treatin' now, come on!
Wendy: I'm sorry I dissed you at school like that Stan. I guess I just wasn't very considerate of your feelings.
Stan: That's okay Wendy, I'm sorry I wished you were dead.
Wendy: Maybe we could actually kiss tonight Stan.
Scene Description: Puckers up. Stan freezes up and looks ill, then pukes on Wendy.
Wendy: Eww, gross Stan, sick! Barf is gross!
Scene Description: She walks away. Stan just looks on.
Scene Description: Cemetery. The boys are at Kenny's grave. Somber music is playing.
Stan: Oh man, I can't believe he's gone.
Kyle: Yeah, he was too young to be taken from us.
Stan: Dude, you're the one who cut him in half with a chain saw.
Cartman: Let, let us remember the good times, Kenny would have wanted it that way.
Scene Description: Cartman begins to sob uncontrollably. Kyle tries to console him, but refrains.
Stan: You know, I've really learned something today. Halloween isn't about costumes, or candy. It's about being good to one another, and giving and loving.
Kyle: ...No, dude, that's Christmas.
Stan: Oh, then, what's Halloween about?
Kyle: Costumes and candy.
Stan: Oh.
Scene Description: Cartman still wailing, then abruptly snaps out of it.
Cartman: Well, let's go home, start eating that candy.
Kyle: We can eat it at Cartman's house, and see more naughty pictures of his mom.
Stan: Yeah.
Cartman: Knock it off you guys, she said she was young, and needed the money.
Stan: Cartman, those pictures were taken like, last month.
Cartman: Lehh, eh, screw you guys!
Scene Description: Somber music plays again. Zoom in on Kenny's grave. Weird music plays as Kenny, newly sewn together, bursts from the grave.
Kenny: (Heeeeyyyy, kick ass.)
Scene Description: A statue of an angel falls on Kenny.
Kenny: (Ow!)
Scene Description: A moment later an airplane crashes into Kenny and the statue.


Scene Description: Cartman's House. The boys are watching television and laughing.
Stan: That was awesome!
Kyle: Yeah!
Liane: Would you boys like some Cheesy Poofs?
Cartman: Get out of the way mah! The Terrance and Phillip Thanksgiving Special is on.
Liane: Sure hon.
Cartman: And yeah, we want Cheesy Poofs!
Scene Description: Terrance and Phillip have just landed.
Phillip: Hey Terrance! Looks like this might be a good place to start a new colony.
Terrance: It sure does Phillip. No one will oppress our religion here.
Scene Description: Farts.
Phillip: AAAAAH!
Scene Description: Laughter. The boys are now enjoying their Cheesy Poofs.
Phillip: Aaah! You stained my pilgrim hat butt-pipe!
Cartman: Did you guys see that? That was sweet.
TV announcer: Coming up next on the Terrance and Phillip Thanksgiving Special, Phillip farts on Terrance, and laughs.
Kyle: Oh, cool.
TV announcer: And now a word from our sponsor.
Sally Struthers: Here in the heart of Africa children are dying. Not from disease or war, but from hunger. I'm Sally Struthers. These children are in desperate need, and only you can help.
Stan: Hey, who's that fat chick?
Kyle: Sally Struthers, dude. She used to be on Full House.
Stan: Oh.
Sally Struthers: You see, here, in the middle of Africa, food is extremely scarce.
Stan: Doesn't look like she's having any trouble finding food.
Kyle: Yeah, she's fatter than Cartman.
Cartman: Yeah, HEY!
Sally Struthers: For just five dollars a month you can sponsor a child.
Cartman: That's stupid, who the hell would want to do that?
Sally Struthers: Sponsor now and we'll also send you this Teiko digital sports watch as a free gift.
Cartman: KICK ASS!!
Stan: SWEET!
Kenny: (Woohoo!)
Stan: I'll call. I know my mom's credit card number.
Scene Description: Stan dials up the number.
Kyle: Did they say if it's waterproof?
Stan: Hello? Is this Sally Struthers?
Scene Description: Listens for the answer.
Stan: Oh.
Kyle: What did she say?
Stan: Shut up butt-pirate, I'm trying to hear.
Kyle: Ass-rammer.
Stan: Yeah? Yeah. We want to adopt a starving Ethernopian.
Cartman: When do we get the sports watch?
Stan: Just a second fat-ass!
Cartman: You vas-deferens!
Stan: Hello? No, no, it's a ma- [To his friends, confused.] Vas-deferens?
Kenny: (Dude, it's a pipe for your peepee)
Stan: Oh.
Kyle: Ask her if we get the watch right away.
Stan: Do we get the sports watch right away?
Scene Description: Pause.
Stan: She says we do.
All: Cool.
Cartman: I get to wear it first, you guys.
Scene Description: Mr. Garrison's Classroom.
Kyle: I can't wait to get out of school and get our Teiko sports watch.
Cartman: Yeah, but I get to wear it first, I said.
Mr. Garrison: Children, children! To honor this special time of year we'll be doing a canned food drive. Does anybody know what a canned food drive is?
Scene Description: Cartman raises his hand.
Mr. Garrison: Yes, Eric?
Cartman: When they cut up a chick's stomach to get a baby out?
Mr. Garrison: Noo, that's a Caesarian Section Eric, but that's okay, remember, there are no stupid questions, just stupid people.
Scene Description: Eric listens.
Mr. Garrison: A canned food drive is when we collect canned food for poor people who can't afford to eat on Thanksgiving.
Stan: You mean, like Kenny?
Mr. Garrison: Exactly.
Cartman: Mr. Garrison? Why do poor people always smell like sour milk?
Mr. Garrison: [Impatiently.] I don't know Eric, they just do.
Scene Description: Kyle sniffs at Kenny. Kenny withdraws.
Mr. Garrison: Now children, I want each of you to bring in one can of food. And later, the mayor of South Park will divide it up amongst Kenny's family and other poor people.
Cartman: I'm not bringin' in food for poor people, Screw them!
Wendy: Don't you want to help those who are less fortunate?!
Cartman: Hey you guys, do you hear something?! Ah- I think I hear the flower children calling!
Wendy: This is the one time of year you're supposed to care about people who can't eat!
Cartman: Isn't it enough that I pay taxes?! What about the poor houses that, that I pay for?!
Wendy: Many would rather die than go to those places!
Cartman: Well then, perhaps they should, and decrease the surplus population!
Mr. Garrison: Okay kids, that's enough Dickens for one day. Let's get on with our lesson, right Mr. Hat?
Mr. Hat: That's right, Mr. Garrison, Englebert Humperdink was the first person on the moon, who was the second?
Scene Description: A pack of wild turkeys burst into the classroom.
Clyde: Aaaah!
Scene Description: Mr. Garrison climbs atop his desk.
Mr. Garrison: What the hell is going on?!
Scene Description: The turkeys are tearing up the classroom. One of them rips up a Thanksgiving poster and takes it with him.
Clyde: Aaaah!
Scene Description: A turkey overturns Clyde's desk, dumping Clyde on the ground. Some others vandalize the blackboard. Just as suddenly as they entered, the turkeys exit, closing the door behind them. Silence ensues.
Mr. Garrison: Well, you don't see that everyday.
Scene Description: City Hall.
Mayor McDaniels: Okay. Now, once we have all the canned foods collected we'll need some clever way to distribute them to the poor.
Aide 2: It should be something festive.
Scene Description: Mephesto and Kevin burst into the office.
Mephesto: Mayor, we've got a very big problem.
Mayor McDaniels: Ahh, you're that insane genetic engineer from up on the hill, right?
Mephesto: Yes, and I may have made a horrible mistake. I was trying to genetically engineer turkeys for Thanksgiving.
Mayor McDaniels: [Warily.] Uh huh.
Mephesto: You know, to provide food for the needy.
Mayor McDaniels: [Sarcastically.] Of course.
Scene Description: Aide 1 glances at her.
Mephesto: Well, something went wrong and the turkeys broke free. And the worst part is, they're REALLY pissed off.
Scene Description: Mayor McDaniels twirls her chair around and twirls her finger 'round her ear.
Mayor McDaniels: Naturally.
Scene Description: Her aides snicker, then she turns again.
Mayor McDaniels: Oh, do go on.
Mephesto: We have to stop them or, or they could destroy everything. Time is short.
Scene Description: Mayor McDaniels turns around and pulls out a cuckoo clock, which chimes a couple of times. Her aides snicker. Aide 2 has his ears wiggling. She puts the clock away and the aide stops his ears.
Scene Description: Mayor McDaniels faces Mephesto again.
Mayor McDaniels: You were saying?
Mephesto: They act just like normal turkeys, except they're evil.
Mayor McDaniels: [With feigned shock.] Oh, my!
Scene Description: Turns around and pulls out a donkey, which heehaws a couple of times. Her aides chuckle.
Scene Description: Mephesto having observed how the Mayor was reacting to him.
Mephesto: Somehow I don't think you're taking me seriously.
Mayor McDaniels: Uh now why would you say that?
Scene Description: Cartman's house. The kids burst through the front door.
Everybody: Did it come? Did it come? Is it here yet?
Cartman: I get to use it first you guys! Mom, did our digital sports watch come yet?
Liane: [Peeks.] Not yet hon.
Stan: Damn.
Kyle: Hey, look you guys.
TV announcer: And now, back to Part 2 of the Terrance and Phillip Thanksgiving Special.
Scene Description: They are in a snowed-in town.
Terrance: I sure am cold, Phillip.
Phillip: Yes, and hungry too. Being a pilgrim totally sucks ass.
Terrance: Gosh, I hope we don't starve.
Scene Description: Phillip farts a high one and Terrance laughs.
Phillip: Ah, a squeaker!
Scene Description: The boys laugh and then the doorbell rings, and a couple of knocks follow. The boys stand stiff not knowing what to do until...
Scene Description: Kyle bolts to the door.
Kyle: The digital sports watch is here.
Scene Description: The kids open the door smiling in anticipation. An emaciated Ethiopian kid stands looking back at them, with baggage in hand. Their smiles turn into surprises. The postal truck takes off.
Cartman: What the hell?
Stan: Dude, that's not a digital sports watch.
Kyle: Hey, it looks like one of those Etheropians.
Stan: Oh man, they must have accidentally sent him instead of the sports watch.
Kyle: Maybe they took it literally when we said we wanted to adopt a kid.
Scene Description: The Ethiopian 'speaks' and clicks something.
Kyle: Whoa! That was cool.
Stan: Yeah, how did he make those clicking sounds?
Kyle: What's your name dude?
Scene Description: The Ethiopian kid clicks something ending with,
Kid: Mabin.
Stan: I think he said his name is Marvin.
Cartman: Yeah, Starvin' Marvin.
Scene Description: Kyle steps out with Stan and shakes Marvin's hand.
Kyle: Nice to meet you Starvin' Marvin.
Cartman: Hey mooom?
Liane: Yes hon?
Cartman: We found a Etheropian, can we keep him?
Liane: Sure, hon.
Cartman: Sweet.
Scene Description: Cartman steps outside with Kenny.
Stan: Dude, let's bring him to school tomorrow.
Kyle: Come on Starvin' Marvin, I want you to meet my little brother.
Cartman: No no! He's my son! I adopted him.
Stan: It was my mom's credit card.
Kyle: Okay, okay, wewe'll switch off. Starvin' Marvin can stay here for a week, then at Stan's, then with me.
Cartman: Yeah, and never with Kenny, because his family is too poor.
Kyle: Totally.
Scene Description: Kenny slugs Cartman.
Cartman: Ahh!
Scene Description: Stark's Pond. A couple is walking near the pond. Romantic music is playing.
Woman: Look how the leaves fall so delicately on the surface of the pond. It's so beautiful.
Man: Not as beautiful as you.
Woman: [Swooning.] Ooooh.
Scene Description: The couple embraces and kisses as a horde of turkeys storm the pond. The guy hears them and looks over her shoulder.
Man: Oh darling, look. Thanksgiving turkeys.
Woman: Oohh, they're so beautiful.
Man: Not as beautiful as you.
Woman: Look at the way they foam at the mouth, like beautiful suds of beer.
Man: Not as beautiful as-
Scene Description: The turkeys attack the couple, stripping their clothes off. Screams are heard as the turkeys overwhelm the couple.
Scene Description: King Jimmy's All You Can Eat Buffet. The price is right. The boys and their families are there with Marvin.
Stan: This is a great way for you to experience America Starvin' Marvin. This is what we call an 'all you can eat buffet.'
Cartman: Yeah. Here you get to eat all you want for only $6.99. That's why we all come here on Tuesday nights, except for Kenny's family 'cause to them $6.99 is two-years income.
Scene Description: The crowd laughs.
Cartman: Why is your family poor Starvin' Marvin? Is your dad an alcoholic too?
Scene Description: A waiter places a plate of shrimp in front of Cartman.
Cartman: You see Starvin' Marvin, these are what we call appetizers.
Marvin: Ap-ee-tizer.
Cartman: This is what you eat before you eat, to make you more hungry.
Scene Description: A waiter approaches with plates of ham, turkey, and drumsticks.
Cartman: Welp, food is here, that's it for the appetizers.
Scene Description: He tosses the plate of shrimp into a trash can. The shrimp don't make it in. He, Liane, and Stan work on the drumsticks, Randy slices into the turkey, and Kyle is slicing some ham for himself (!). Marvin reaches for a pot-pie on Cartman's plate.
Cartman: No Starvin' Marvin, that's my pot-pie.
Stan: Cartman, you butt-pipe, this is the time of year you're supposed to share.
Cartman: Oh yeah, you're right.
Scene Description: eyes a slice of pie sitting before Marvin.
Scene Description: Are you gonna eat all of your peach cobbler? No, you don't want all that, why don't you share it with me, man? [Heading to a whisper.] Just slide that right on over here. Let me just have some of that here...
Scene Description: Mr. Garrison's Classroom.
Mr. Garrison: Children, children! I'm a little disappointed in your Thanksgiving spirit. Only a few cans have been donated to our canned food drive.
Scene Description: He reaches into the box of canned goods.
Mr. Garrison: And can't we do a little better than ... Creamed Corn ... uh ... Creamed Corn ... and ... Creamed Corn?
Scene Description: The class stares back blankly.
Mr. Garrison: Please bring in more diverse food children or else Kenny's family is going to have a pretty corny Thanksgiving.
Scene Description: Silence. Mr. Garrison begins laughing.
Mr. Garrison: Corny...Gravy...Corny Thanksgiving, hoo. Hahhaa. Anyway children, I understand a few of you have brought in something special for show-and-tell.
Stan: Yeah, yeah, we do!
Cartman: Yeah, that's right.
Kyle: We do!
Mr. Garrison: All right boys, show us what you've brought.
Scene Description: The boys walk to the front of the class with Marvin.
Kyle: This is our new Ethernopian, Starvin' Marvin.
Scene Description: Marvin looks inside the food box.
Stan: He can do really cool stuff with his voice. Show 'em Starvin' Marvin.
Scene Description: Marvin pulls out a can of food.
Scene Description: Cartman takes it away and puts it back.
Cartman: No, Starvin' Marvin, that's Kenny's creamed corn.
Scene Description: Marvin takes it back out.
Cartman: No Starvin' Marvin, that's a bad Starvin' Marvin!
Mr. Garrison: Boys, what the hell are you doing?! This is horribly, horribly wrong. How did you get this child?
Stan: He was accidentally delivered to us instead of a sports watch.
Mr. Garrison: The sports watch from the commercial?
Kyle: Yeah, that one.
Bebe: I want a Starvin' Marvin.
Clyde: Me too.
Pip: Yes, I'll pay fifty dollars for one.
Class: Yeah, I want one too, yeah me, me.
Mr. Garrison: Boys, you're too young to take care of a child! I'm afraid I'm going to have to call the Red Cross and have him returned.
Kyle: Ah, I told you we shouldn't have brought him to school dude.
Scene Description: Principal Victoria's Office.
Principal Victoria: Okay, thank you very much. Yes, you can pick him up tonight. Bye now.
Scene Description: She hangs up the phone and addresses the boys.
Principal Victoria: Now boys, I hope you've learned your lesson.
Stan: No.
Principal Victoria: You can't care for this child!
Kyle: But I thought we were supposed to care on Thanksgiving.
Principal Victoria: Yes, but you don't actually get involved with the child's life. You're supposed to just send money, and once in a while they write you a letter. You see, Marvin didn't grow up in a normal place like South Park.
Stan: So why can't he live here now?
Principal Victoria: Because he can't!
Kyle: Because why?
Principal Victoria: Because eight-year olds can't be parents!
Kyle: Then you take care of him.
Principal Victoria: [on the spot] I can't, I, umm...I'm very busy.
Scene Description: Silence.
Principal Victoria: I send my five dollars a month, see?
Scene Description: Demonstrating her Teiko watch.
Stan: This sucks, Starvin' Marvin is our friend.
Cartman: Oh well, back to the poor country with you.
Kyle: You better watch what you say Cartman! You might be poor and hungry some day.
Cartman: B-huh, huh. Yeah, right.
Scene Description: Genetic Engineering Ranch.
Mephesto: I knew that you were the only person who would listen to me Chef.
Chef: Yeah, well, let's get it over with. This place gives me the booboojeebees.
Mephesto: Look here in my microscope; tell me what you see.
Chef: Uhh, I seee...an extreme close up of ...Vanessa Redgrave's private parts.
Mephesto: Oh, whoops.
Scene Description: He quickly switches slides.
Mephesto: Now tell me what you see.
Chef: Well, I'm no biologist, but I'd say it looks like turkey DNA.
Mephesto: Precisely, but look how rapidly it's dividing.
Chef: What does it mean?
Mephesto: Means the turkeys are growing at an exponential rate. If we don't destroy them all, they'll take over the town. Maybe the world.
Chef: Oh, fudge!
Scene Description: Chef ponders for a moment.
Chef: Uhh, let me see that Vanessa Redgrave thing again.
Mephesto: Sure.
Scene Description: He switches slides again.
Scene Description: Cartman's house. Marvin is sitting alone on the couch watching TV. Secret service agents enter the house. Outside, a helicopter flies around with its searchlight on.
Agent 1: Hello there little boy, we're looking for a starving African child who was accidentally sent here instead of a Teiko sports watch.
Scene Description: Marvin points towards Cartman's room. The agents go forth.
Cartman: Hey, hey, what's going on?!
Scene Description: The agents have him in a duffle bag and are dragging him out of the house.
Cartman: Hey, let go of me! God-! Ey! I'll kick you in the nuts. D'you hear me?!
Scene Description: Returning to Marvin.
Agent 1: Here's your sports watch son, sorry for the mix-up.
Cartman: Hey! Hey seriously! Hey, you're pissing me off, Starvin' Marvin!
Scene Description: A truck door closes.
Marvin: Sweet.
Scene Description: Outside the Library.
Mayor McDaniels: So how does this thing work?
Aide: Well mayor, it's based on the cash grab, but instead of money, the cans of food are blown around inside the capsule. The POV inside catches as many as he can to feed his family.
Mayor McDaniels: POVVVV?
Aide: Poverty stricken citizen.
Mayor McDaniels: Ohhoho, brilliant.
Scene Description: A horde of turkeys rush the square and attack a fake turkey and a Pilgrim hat.
Mayor McDaniels: Daah!! What the hell is this!!
Scene Description: The turkeys go through the crowd attacking people.
Aide: I don't know mayor, I don't think it's listed on the program.
Scene Description: Mephesto joins them.
Mephesto: They're increasing in number mayor. These are the vicious turkeys I warned you about.
Chef: It's a, Ih-ihit's true mayor! Those turkeys just ripped apart my cafeteria!
Scene Description: A platoon of turkeys march by.
Chef: Whooa! You won't get away with this, you bastards!
Kyle: Wow! Those are some pissed off turkeys!
Scene Description: Mayor McDaniels, alarmed, steps up to the mic.
Mayor McDaniels: OKAY PEOPLE, DON'T PANIC! BRING OUT THE DEFENSE SQUAD!
Scene Description: Jimbo and Ned enter, armed with rifles. They start firing away, and turkeys go down left and right.
Mephesto: We need more than that! They'll only come back in increased numbers!
Scene Description: Cartman's House. Marvin is taking up Cartman's habits. On TV, Terrance and Phillip are reenacting the first Thanksgiving.
Terrance: Hey Phillip, could you pass the beans?
Phillip: Beans? Uh oh, looks like we'll be at war with these Indians soon.
Scene Description: Terrance attempts to squeeze one off.
Terrance: Huh, eh,
Scene Description: Phillip offers to help.
Terrance: wait wait wait.
Scene Description: He tries some more.
Terrance: Eh, eh.
Scene Description: And some more.
Terrance: Here it comes, ehhhh.
Scene Description: A long squeeky fart bursts forth.
Terrance: Daaaah, I crapped in my pants!
Phillip: Aaaah.
Scene Description: Laughter.
Phillip: I think you got some spatter on Chief Running Wolf.
Scene Description: Laughter.
Terrance: I spattered his face!
Scene Description: Laughter.
Phillip: Now he's a smelly Indian.
Scene Description: Laughter.
TV announcer: We'll be back to part 14 of the Terrance and Phillip Thanksgiving Special, right after this.
Sally Struthers: Hunger is an enemy that we all must fight. These children desperately need your support.
Scene Description: Cartman walking around in the background.
Cartman: Hey, somebody get me out of here! This sucks!
Sally Struthers: So please, call and adopt a child today.
Cartman: I'm seriously getting pissed off over here!!
Liane: You want some more Cheesy Poofs hon?
Marvin: Yeah, I want da Cheesy Poof.
Liane: Okay.
Marvin: Sweet.
Scene Description: Ethiopian Desert. A vulture is flying overhead, awaiting its next meal to die.
Cartman: Eh, This is serious bullshit! There has to be a Happy Burger around here somewhere.
Scene Description: He approaches a group of Ethiopians.
Cartman: Excuse me, I am a lost little boy, could you help me?
Scene Description: They stare back blankly.
Cartman: Well, screw you too!
Scene Description: Suddenly in a swarm of flies.
Cartman: What the?! Who the hell let all these flies in here?! Hasn't anybody ever heard of insect repellent?!
Scene Description: He walks away.
Scene Description: The Library. The B and second R have slipped a bit.
Mayor McDaniels: All right everyone, it's time to give out canned food to the poor, haa.
Scene Description: The crowd cheers.
Stan: Hey, where's Cartman?
Kyle: I don't know. Do you know where he is, Marvin?
Scene Description: Marvin shrugs.
Mayor McDaniels: Looks like we have the turkey problem under control. It's time to embrace the spirit of giving with the canned food grab.
Scene Description: The crowd cheers.
Mayor McDaniels: Come on, hurry up.
Scene Description: Kenny enters the "Grab-O-Lux"
Carol McCormick: Grab a lot son.
Mayor McDaniels: Have a happy Thanksgiving! Let 'er rip!
Scene Description: Air is pumped in to raise the cans, but Kenny goes up as well and floats around. Status indicator flash on and off.
Mayor McDaniels: Cuhome on, grab those cans little boy!
Stan, Kyle: Come on, Kenny!
Scene Description: Stuart waving his beer bottle.
Stuart McCormick: Come on, son!
Mayor McDaniels: Now, let's see all the goodies you're going to take home to your family.
Scene Description: She switches off the Grab-o-lux with the remote control, and Kenny and the cans drop to the floor. He gets up and exits.
Mayor McDaniels: It...looks like he got a... a-a can of- string beans. Hehe.
Scene Description: The crowd cheers, but the sound of turkeys fills the air.
Chef: What the-?!
Stan: Dude, the mutant turkeys are back!
Scene Description: The turkeys charge over a hill.
Officer Barbrady: Okay people, move along, nothing to see here you looky-loos.
Mephesto: I tried to tell you, but you didn't listen.
Scene Description: Chef comes up and addresses the crown.
Chef: Gather around everybody, and listen good. Go to your homes and arm your...
Scene Description: Chef looks down at Mephesto's companion, Kevin. The turkeys continue their attack.
Chef: What the hell are you supposed to be anyway?
Mephesto: That's not important right now.
Chef: No! What the hell is this little thing supposed to be? It doesn't look like anything.
Mayor McDaniels: Chef, the turkeys!
Chef: Oh, All right. Listen up everybody, and listen good. Go to your homes and arm yourselves with whatever you can. We'll meet back here in fifteen minutes. Hurry!
Scene Description: The turkeys continue their attack.
Chef: We are not going to let our Thanksgiving be ruined by a bunch of turkeys.
Scene Description: Ethiopian Desert. Cartman walks slowly.
Cartman: Damn, you guys, seriously, I'm hungry. I have to eat.
Scene Description: He sees a Red Cross van is in the distance. Ethiopians gather round it.
Cartman: Ah, sweet! The Red Cross!
Scene Description: He approaches the van.
Cartman: I'll have fried chicken and a side of mashed potatoes please.
Red Cross dude: Sorry kid, but we're out of food. We ran out of funding.
Scene Description: The female partner is putting some things away.
Cartman: What?!
Red Cross dude: We just couldn't get enough sponsors back home, so now we've got to pack it up.
Cartman: But I'm not a starving Etheropian! I have to get back home too!
Scene Description: Now behind the van ready to leave.
Red Cross dude: Sorry dude, we just don't have any funds. Here, have a Teiko sports watch.
Scene Description: He tosses Cartman a watch and hops into the van. The van drives off.
Cartman: WEEEEEEAK!!!
Scene Description: In the woods near South Park. The screen is reduced to a wide screen format, so you know a movie reference is coming. The town is assembled for battle as the Mayor speaks.
Mayor McDaniels: People, we all have to do our part against the evil turkeys.
Townsperson 1: There's too many of them.
Mayor McDaniels: Come on! Where is that Thanksgiving spirit?!
Townsperson 2: We can't stop them.
Scene Description: Chef rides up on a brown steed. His face is painted blue and white. He is wearing Scottish garb, wielding a sword and shield à la Braveheart.
Chef: Today, you fight for your city! You fight for your honor! These turkeys will continue to push until they have taken everything from us! These fudged up turkeys from the the crustaceous era can take our lives, but they can never take...our FREEDOM!!!
Scene Description: Now pumped for battle.
Crowd: Wooo, yeahhh, woo.
Scene Description: On a nearby hill the pack of turkeys is gathered together. One turkey is also painted in blue and white.
Leader turkey: Gobble, gobble. Gobble gobble. Gob, gobble. Gob, gob, gob, Gobble!!
Scene Description: The other turkeys gobble like mad, then sally forth. The town residents stand ready for battle as the turkeys descend into the valley.
Kyle: Here you go turkeys!
Scene Description: Kyle moons the turkey forces.
Scene Description: The town force descends, the mayor and an aide stay behind.
Mayor McDaniels: Does my hair look okay?
Scene Description: Ethiopian Desert. The vulture still circles...
Cartman: Can't go on... need... appetizer... eh...
Scene Description: He looks up to the sky for relief.
Cartman: I'm sorry, God, I'm sorry I mocked poor people. I'm sorry I wasn't more sensitive. Please, Please God, uhh.
Scene Description: He falls forward to the ground. After a few seconds he lifts his head.
Cartman: Heh, my god has forsaken me. Eh, err.
Scene Description: He sees something. A lone building stands in the distance. Cartman approaches. A sign reads, "No Admittance".
Cartman: Huh, I wonder what's in here?
Scene Description: Cartman opens the door and faces towers of Cheesy Poofs, Snacky Cakes, Boogie Bars and Veal Roll-Ups. "Alleluyah" is playing. Cartman stands in awe, then is overjoyed.
Cartman: SNACKY CAKES!! MMMM!
Scene Description: He rubs up against them lovingly. He sees a large-screen TV and a potted plant, and walks towards them. He then looks to his right and sees Sally Struthers feasting on some cake and two Ethiopians fanning her with palm fronds. She sees him and stops eating. Cartman is mad.
Cartman: Sally Struthers?!
Sally Struthers: Who the hell are you?!
Cartman: Gimme that cake!
Sally Struthers: Nooho, this is my cake!
Cartman: No Sally Struthers, you gimme that cake!
Sally Struthers: NOO! You can't have any!
Cartman: No Sally Struthers, that's my cake eh-ehhhh!
Scene Description: After some more whining he opens the door and sees some Ethiopians passing by.
Cartman: You guys, Sally Struthers is holding food from us!!!
Scene Description: They turn to look at him.
Sally Struthers: Uh oh.
Scene Description: She just can't eat that cake fast enough.
Scene Description: South Park Forest. The battle continues. The turkeys fight valiently, but many are falling. Ike beheads a turkey. Marvin looks on and scratches his head.
Chef: Stay close children.
Scene Description: His shield blocks one turkey as he slays another.
Stan, Kyle, Kenny: Yeaaa!
Scene Description: The turkeys rush towards Kenny.
Kenny: (O-Oh.)
Scene Description: One turkey manages to extract Kenny's eyeball as the others kill him outright. They speed away with pieces of him.
Stan: Oh my god, they've killed Kenny!
Kyle: You bastards!
Jimbo: The last three are getting away, shoot 'em Ned.
Scene Description: Ned picks off the remaining three birds.
Stan: We did it!!
Scene Description: As the town celebrates, some townsfolk are still beating on the birds, one of them with a large mallet.
Mephesto: My God, what have we done?
Chef: We've saved Thanksgiving!
Mephesto: But all those poor turkeys, theh- they're all dead.
Chef: Every turkey dies, not every turkey truly lives.
Mephesto: As horrible as they were theh- they felt like a part of me. Perhaps I shouldn't be toying with God's creations, perhaps I should-
Chef: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Scene Description: Two secret service agents approach Chef and Barbrady, ignoring the carnage.
Agent 2: Excuse me sir, we're looking for a little starving Ethiopian boy who was accidentally delivered to South Park instead of a Teiko sports watch.
Scene Description: Showing a picture of Marvin.
Agent 1: Have you seen anyone fitting this description.
Officer Barbrady: Oh, that could be a hundred kids in this town mister.
Scene Description: Marvin approaches the two agents.
Agent 1: There you are. Are you ready to go home now?
Scene Description: Marvin looks at Mr. Garrison, then at Chef, then at Officer Barbrady. He quickly shakes an affirmative. The agents lead him away, but he turns back to get some turkeys. Stan and Kyle look on as Kenny's corpse lies motionless behind them.
Stan: Wow, it sucks he has to leave.
Kyle: Yeah, I like him a lot more than Cartman.
Stan: You know, I think I've learned something today. It's really easy not to think of images on TV as real people.
Scene Description: Kenny's head moves.
Stan: But they are. That's why it's easy to ignore those commercials, but, people on TV are just as real as you or I.
Kyle: Yeah.
Scene Description: A rat moves in and out of Kenny's empty eye socket, then scurries away.
Kyle: And that means that McGyver is a real person too.
Scene Description: Ethiopian Desert. Three Red Cross workers are present.
Red Cross Chick: We're terribly sorry about the mix-up little boy. We'll get you back home immediately.
Cartman: That's right you will, God-Damnit.
Scene Description: A male agent checks his watch.
Cartman: Move it POVs, I'm an American!
Scene Description: A plane lands. Marvin exits the plane.
Ethiopian: A baba, gluck gluck bababab ga.
Marvin: Baba gook gook ba.
Scene Description: The cargo door lowers in back of the plane and a bunch of dead turkeys fall out. The Ethiopians grab the turkeys and raise Marvin on their shoulders in triumph. They march away, passing by a spit on which Sally Struthers has been tied, with an apple in her mouth.
Sally Struthers: (What are you doing? Let me off of here!)
Scene Description: Kenny's House.
Stuart: Lord, on this day of thanks, we would like to extend our deepest gratitude for this incredible bounty of green beans you have bestowed upon us. And though for some reason you found it necessary to take our son from us, and though you for some reason find pleasure in watching us suffer, still, we give thanks. Amen.
Carol: Amen.
Scene Description: She takes a brief look around.
Carol: Does anybody have a can opener?
Stuart: God Damn-it.


Scene Description: The kids are gathered on stage at one end of South Park Elementary's gym.
Class: We wish you a Merry Christmas We wish you a Merry Christmas We wish you a Merry Christmas And a Happy New Year!
Scene Description: Stan steps forth from the choir and heads towards center stage.
Stan: Lights, please.
Scene Description: The lights dim. He steps into the spotlight and quotes from the Gospel of Luke (2:8-11,14).
Stan: And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the fields, keeping watch over their flocks by night. And lo, an angel of the Lord came upon them, and they were sore afraid, and the angel said unto them, 'Fear not, for behold, I bring you tidings of great joy, for born unto you this day in the city of ...David is the Savior, Jesus Christ, the Lord. Glory to God in the highest and on earth peace, goodwill towards men' And now, South Park Elementary presents the Birth of Jesus.
Scene Description: Stan steps aside while presenting the Nativity scene. The curtains open, and nine students stand in and around the grotto. Kenny is the angel floating above the manger, Wendy is Mary, about to give birth; Kyle is Joseph, ready to receive Jesus; Cartman is one of the three shepherds on the left side of the stage, and three Wise Men stand on the right side. Wendy is simulating birth pangs.
Wendy: Unh [labored breathing] Oh!
Kyle: Come on, Mary! Push!
Wendy: Aaaah!
Kyle: I can see its head!
Wendy: UUuuhh-UUuuhh.
Scene Description: A doll pops out beside Mary and flips through the air. Joseph catches it.
Kyle: It's a boy!
Scene Description: Unfortunately, he's now holding the doll wrong.
Cartman: Oohhhh!
Kenny: (Kyle has Jesus' head instead!)
Mr. Garrison: Wait a minute, wait, wait, wait, Kyle, what the hell was that? You need to hold the baby by the legs, not by the head. What kind of sick weirdo are you?
Kyle: ...Sorry.
Mr. Garrison: And Wendy, I'm still not believing the labor pains.
Wendy: Okay.
Scene Description: Sheila approaches Mr. Garrison.
Sheila: Mr. Garrison, what the hell do you think you're doing?!
Mr. Garrison: Well, I'm trying to direct the school Christmas play, but your son was holding the baby Jesus fetus by the head.
Scene Description: Mary and Joseph are now looking at them argue.
Sheila: How dare you include the Nativity in a school play? Don't you realize my son is Jewish?!
Scene Description: Kyle drops his head.
Mr. Garrison: ...So?
Sheila: So what makes you think he should play Joseph of Arimathea?
Mr. Garrison: Because it's Christmas???
Sheila: Our family doesn't celebrate Christmas.
Scene Description: All the kids gasp.
Mr. Garrison: Oh god, you're not gonna lay that Hanukkah crap on me, are you?
Sheila: Whatwhatwhaaat?!? You're not going to get away with this, Mr. Garrison!!
Cartman: Oh dude! Kyle's mom is here to ruin Christmas!
Scene Description: Kyle shoots back.
Kyle: Shut up, fat boy!
Cartman: I'm not fat, I'm festively plump.
Stan: Why are you Jewish on Christmas, Kyle?
Mr. Garrison: Oh-kay! Kyle, is there anything you can do for the Christmas play that isn't related to Jesus?
Sheila: How about the dreidel song, bubbe?
Kyle: I can sing the Mr. Hankey song...
Mr. Garrison: The Mr. Hankey song-how does that go?
Kyle: Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo he loves me and I love y-
Stan: Christmas Poo?
Cartman: What the hell is Christmas Poo?
Kyle: Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo. Haven't you guys ever heard of it?
Sheila: Kyle, that is enough!
Mr. Garrison: See, that's what you get when you raise your child to be a pagan.
Sheila: Now that does it! I'm going straight to the mayor about you, Mr Garrison.
Scene Description: Mr. Garrison interrupts and follows her
Mr. Garrison: Oh wait wait wait. I'm sorry. Was it the pagan remark?
Scene Description: Wendy gets up.
Wendy: You guys, look! It's snowing!
Scene Description: Snow is seen through a window. The kids step out of costume and rush out of school to take advantage of this opportunity, cheering all the way.
Scene Description: In the school playground.
Stan: Whoa, Christmas snow!
Wendy: Try to catch snowflakes on your tongue.
Scene Description: A soft instrumental starts up.
Wendy: It's fun.
Scene Description: The kids shuffle back and forth catching snowflakes. When Kenny looks up an eagle passes overhead and dumps a load - right on Kenny's face.
Scene Description: Cartman is watching with glee.
Kenny: P'tooui.
Stan: That was sick, dude!
Scene Description: Cartman seeing Kyle lolling for a snowflake.
Cartman: Hey!
Scene Description: Kyle is taken aback
Cartman: What the hell are you doing? Jewish people can't eat Christmas snow!
Kyle: We can, too!
Stan: ...Nnnaw I think it's against the law, dude.
Kyle: Officer Barbrady!
Officer Barbrady: What?
Scene Description: A car screeches to a halt as Officer Barbrady raises his arm.
Kyle: Is it illegal for Jewish people to eat Christmas snow?
Scene Description: After a long pause.
Officer Barbrady: Yyess.
Kyle: Damnit!
Stan: Hey come on guys. We have to go to the mall and tell Santa Claus what we want for Christmas.
Cartman: Yeah. We'll see you later, Kyle. Guess there's no reason for you to come, since you don't get Christmas presents.
Kyle: No. But I get Hanukkah presents for eight days.
Cartman: Too bad it's usually a dreidel or something lame like that.
Stan: We'll catch up with you later, Kyle.
Scene Description: Stan walks off with Wendy and the others.
Kyle: Wait! I may not have Santa, but I do have Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo.
Stan: Wha-what is this about Christmas Poo, dude?
Kyle: Mr. Hankey. He comes out of the toilet every year and gives presents to everybody who has a lot of fiber in their diet.
Cartman: Uh, Kyle? Come on, seriously? You are really reaching right now.
Kyle: Well! You're gonna be sorry when you see me riding around on Santa's sleigh with Mr. Hankey, fatass!
Cartman: You're not gonna ride on Santa's sleigh 'cause you're a Jew, Kyle.
Scene Description: Cartman and walks away.
Stan: See you around, dude.
Scene Description: Stan follows Cartman away.
Scene Description: Kyle is left alone in the playground as winds howl around him. The camera zooms in on him as the intro to his song plays.
Kyle: It's hard to be a Jew on Christmas My friends won't let me join in any games And I can't sing Christmas songs or decorate a Christmas tree or leave water out for Rudolph 'cause there's something wrong with me My people don't believe in Jesus Christ's divinity I'm a Jew A lonely Jew On Christmas...
Scene Description: He walks away, then peeks at the mall from behind a tree. Stan is on Santa's lap while Cartman and Kenny wait in line, now forming on Santa's left.
Kyle: Channukah is nice, but why is it That Santa passes over my house every year? And instead of eating ham I have to eat kosher latke Instead of Silent Night I'm singing huhash dogavish And what the fuck is up with lighting all these fucking candles, tell me please? I'm a Jew A lonely Jew I'd be merry But I'm Hebrew On Christ-maas.
Scene Description: He walks down the road, past a Toy Shoppe and a stand of Christmas trees. The camera pulls back as he walks out of view.
Scene Description: Outside City Hall a crowd gathers.
Mayor McDaniels: Ahem. Okay everybody, settle down.
Large woman: Mayor, we are deeply offended by the Nativity scene in front of the capital office. Church and State are separate!
Some men: No! Wrong!
Scene Description: Kyle appearing among his friends.
Kyle: What's going on, you guys?
Stan: The whole town's pissed off at each other. It's really sweet.
Sheila: That isn't all, Mayor! The school play is doing a Nativity scene! It isn't being sensitive to the Jewish community!
Mr. Garrison: You are the Jewish community!
Crowd: Yeah! Yeah!
Cartman: Oh, boy! Super-bitch is at it again!
Kyle: Don't call my mom a bitch, Cartman!
Father Maxi: Mayor, the Nativity is what Christmas is all about. If you remove Christ, you must remove Santa and Frosty and all of that garbage, too!
Scene Description: The crowd cheers in agreement.
Woman: Hallelujah!
Man: Amen!
Tree hugger: And we must put a stop to the cutting down of Christmas trees!
Man 1: Raah!
Man 2: Give me a break!
Uncle Jimbo: And I'm sick and tired of those little flaps on coffee lids. If you don't want to spill your coffee, you shouldn't be driving with it.
Scene Description: The crowd processes Jimbo's words.
Crowd: Yeah! Yeah!
Mayor McDaniels: Okay, people, we clearly need to reach a compromise. Perhaps we need a new icon for Christmas.
Assistant 1: Oooo, brilliant idea, Mayor!
Scene Description: The crowd mulls over the suggestion.
Kyle: Hey! How about Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo?
Mayor McDaniels: Ex-cuse me?
Kyle: Mr. Hankey. He comes out of the toilet every year and gives presents to everybody who has a lot of fiber in their diet.
Sheila: Kyle! Sshhh!
Kyle: It's true. He doesn't care what faith you are. Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo he loves me and I love you Therefore, vicariously he loves you Even if-
Cartman: [stopping Kyle] Never mind him. He's a very disturbed little boy.
Kenny: (Kyle's crazy!)
Stan: Yeah.
Sheila: Okay, Kyle, we're leaving right nowww.
Scene Description: Sheila drags him away.
Kyle: Wait...
Mayor McDaniels: Anyway, I'll put together a crack team of my best workers to make sure this'll be the most non-offensive Christmas ever - to any religious or minority group of any kind. Are there any other suggestions?
Scene Description: Mr. Garrison raises his hand.
Mayor McDaniels: Yes, Mr. Garrison.
Mr. Garrison: Can we get rid of all the Mexicans?
Scene Description: Looks back, then.
Mayor McDaniels: No, Mr. Garrison, we cannot get rid of all the Mexicans.
Mr. Garrison: Rats!
Scene Description: Kyle's house, the living room. Ike opens up his present - a dreidel. He gives it a spin. The camera pans to the right and stops at Kyle and his dad.
Gerald Broflovski: It is sick and disgusting, and we simply will not have it!
Scene Description: Sheila pops out from behind Gerald.
Sheila: Your father's right, Kyle.
Gerald: Sheila, let me handle this. Having imaginary friends is fine, Kyle, but this simply will not do!
Scene Description: Sheila pops out again.
Sheila: Listen to your father, Kyle.
Scene Description: The dreidel has gone off to the right, and Ike goes after it, bumping into the coffee table. The Channukah menorah on it (day 6) falls on Ike, and he begins to burn.
Gerald: Now, I want you to repeat after me: 'There is no such thing as Mr. Hankey'.
Kyle: But dad, he always sh...
Gerald: Say it!
Kyle: There's no such thing as Mr. Hankey.
Gerald: Again!
Kyle: There's no such thing as Mr. Hankey.
Scene Description: Sheila pops out again.
Sheila: This is for your own good, bubbe.
Gerald: Now, you go brush your teeth and march into bed! You won't be opening your Channukah present tonight!
Kyle: [softly, under his breath] Probably just another stupid dreidel anyway.
Gerald: What did you say?!
Scene Description: Kyle enters his room.
Kyle: I said Ike's on fire!
Ike: Oh oh. On flame? Oh oh. On flame?
Sheila: OH MY GOD!
Scene Description: Gerald quickly smothers Ike with a blanket to douse the flames.
Scene Description: Kyle's house, the bathroom. He is brushing his teeth.
Kyle: It isn't fair! I don't want to be an outcast!
Scene Description: A voice is echoing from the toilet
Voice: Kyle.
Scene Description: Kyle faces the toilet, then returns to brushing his teeth.
Kyle: I'm not hearing that.
Voice: Kyle.
Scene Description: Kyle hops down and goes to the toilet, then looks into it.
Kyle: Mr. Hankey?
Scene Description: Mr. Hankey pops up and makes his entrance wearing white gloves and a red elf cap.
Mr. Hankey: Howwwwdy-hoooo.
Scene Description: Mr. Hankey jumps onto the sink.
Mr. Hankey: Howdy-ho, Kyle. Gosh, you're looking swell.
Kyle: [now wary] Go away, Mr. Hankey.
Mr. Hankey: You know something, Kyle? You smell an awful lot like flowers.
Kyle: I said go away! My father said you aren't real.
Mr. Hankey: Not real? Well shucks. If I weren't real, could I sing this jolly Christmas song?
Scene Description: He begins to sing. As he does so, he skips around the room and leaves bits of poo behind.
Mr. Hankey: Santa Claus is on his way He's loaded goodies on his sleigh To drop them off on Christmas Day And I'll say 'Howdy-ho'.
Kyle: Mr. Hankey! Sshhhh! I'll get in trouble.
Mr. Hankey: Folks'll gather round the fire sing a song, stroll the choir Pretty song they'll all retire And I'll say 'Howdy-ho'.
Scene Description: He leaves 'NOEL' written in poop on the vanity mirror.
Scene Description: Gerald knocks on the door.
Gerald: Kyle, what are you doing in there?
Kyle: Nothing.
Scene Description: He knocks again.
Gerald: Open this door!
Mr. Hankey: I hope that Santa comes real soon I've been waiting for some we...
Kyle: Mr. Hankey, come here.
Scene Description: Kyle grabs Mr. Hankey and muffles him, and turns as Gerald opens the door. Gerald sees a bathroom smeared with feces everywhere, and a boy facing him holding a big piece of it in his left hand. He gasps and remains speechless.
Gerald: KYLE!
Scene Description: Kyle throttles the poo.
Kyle: Say something, Mr. Hankey!
Scene Description: It falls over, and Kyle looks forsaken.
Scene Description: Kyle's bedroom. Kyle is now in bed.
Gerald: Now, you get to sleep, and think about how your poor mother has to clean that bathroom up!
Sheila: Whatwhatwhaaat?! Me?!
Scene Description: Gerald looks towards his room and quickly closes the door.
Scene Description: Mr. Hankey is now on Kyle's comforter.
Mr. Hankey: Howdy-ho!
Kyle: Mr. Hankey! Where the hell did you go?
Mr. Hankey: You should be wearing socks to sleep, Kyle. You're gonna catch a cold.
Kyle: Nobody believes in you, not even my friends.
Mr. Hankey: Aw, gee, that's too bad.
Kyle: Hey! How about you come to school with me tomorrow, so I can at least prove I'm not crazy to my friends.
Mr. Hankey: Say, that sounds like a swell idea. We can show everyone the true spirit of Christmas.
Kyle: Yeah! We'll show them!
Scene Description: Kyle smiles, pleased with the idea.
Scene Description: Downtown South Park.
Mayor McDaniels: Okay, people, we've got to turn this place around! Take down anything that is offensive to any specific group!
Scene Description: The crowd sets about dismantling the decorations. A man removes Santa's head from his sleigh and tosses it onto the street.
Scene Description: Uncle Jimbo calls forth from his shop.
Uncle Jimbo: Is mistletoe offensive?
Mayor McDaniels: Is anyone offended by mistletoe?
Scene Description: One man raises his hand.
Mayor McDaniels: Lose the mistletoe!
Scene Description: Jimbo clips it off.
Scene Description: Bus stop.
Stan: You guys! I'm getting that John Elway football helmet for Christmas!
Cartman: How do you know?
Stan: 'Cause I looked in my parents' closet last night.
Cartman: Yeah? Well I sneaked around my mom's closet too, and saw what I'm getting. The Ultravibe Pleasure 2000.
Stan: What's that?
Cartman: I don't know, but it sounds pretty sweet.
Scene Description: Kyle arrives.
Kyle: Hello, everybodyyy.
Stan: What's in the box, dude?
Kyle: It's a surprise.
Cartman: Let me see!
Scene Description: The boys gather around the box.
Kyle: O-Okay. But don't scare him...
Scene Description: A shot of what Mr. Hankey sees as Stan pops the lid open, then a top-down view as the poo is shown in all its glory. Cartman and Stan blink.
Stan: [angrily] Dude, sick!!!
Scene Description: Kyle looks down at his poo.
Cartman: Is this some kind of Jewish tradition?
Kenny: (That is the sickest thing I have ever fucking seen!)
Kyle: Wait! You guys! He's alive!
Scene Description: Kyle jostles the box.
Stan: Kyle, I think you'd better get home and get some sleep.
Scene Description: Kyle is shaking the box now.
Kyle: Come on, dance! Daaance! Dance, damn you!!
Scene Description: Research Center, a Researcher is shown before at least six subjects.
Researcher: Now this is very simple. I'm going to say words and the computer will measure how offended you are by them. In this way we can find out which words are least offensive for use in the holiday season. Are we ready?
Scene Description: The group looks back at him.
Researcher: Here we go: Christ
Scene Description: Two responses.
Researcher: Hm. Okay. Cherub.
Scene Description: No response.
Researcher: Hm... Camel
Scene Description: One response.
Researcher: Hm. Sad.
Scene Description: No response.
Researcher: Stupid Wop Dago.
Scene Description: All respond.
Researcher: Bench...
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, the school gym. The janitors are clearing out the decorations.
Mr. Garrison: Aw, do you have to take away the Christmas tree, too?
Janitor 2: Mayor's orders.
Mr. Garrison: Okay, children, I'm really having a hard time with our Christmas play. The new law states we can't sing any songs having to do with Jesus or Santa Claus.
Cartman: Thanks to Kyle's mother.
Kyle: Shut up, Cartman!
Mr. Garrison: So does anybody know any non-Santa or non-Jesus Christmas songs.
Scene Description: Cartman raises his hand.
Mr. Garrison: Yes, Eric?
Cartman: How about we sing "Kyle's Mom is a Stupid Bitch", in D minor.
Kyle: I told you not to call my mom a bitch, Cartman!
Cartman: O-ho. Weeeeeeeeeellll Kyle's mom is a bitch, she's a big fat bitch, she's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world She a stupid bitch, if there ever was a bitch, she's a bitch to all the boys and girls.
Kyle: Shut up, Cartman!
Scene Description: Mr. Hankey pops to life.
Mr. Hankey: Howdy-ho!
Kyle: [hushed] Mr. Hankey.
Cartman: Monday she's a bitch, on Tuesday she's a bitch, on Wednesday to Saturday she's a bitch Then on Sunday, just to be different, she's a super King Kamehameha bi-atch!
Scene Description: The class is clapping along gleefully by now, while Kyle looks at Cartman with ire.
Mr. Hankey: Golly, that isn't very nice.
Scene Description: Kyle turns to hear him.
Mr. Hankey: I'd sure like to teach him a lesson.
Scene Description: Mr. Garrison joins in the clapping, but he's off beat.
Cartman: Have you ever met my friend Kyle's mom? She's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world. She's a mean ole bitch 'cause she has stupid hair, she a bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch she's a stupid bitch! Kyle's mom's a bitch and she's just a dirty bitch! KYLE'S MOOOM IS A - BIIIIII-I-I-ITCH - aahh.
Kyle: Mr. Hankey, no!
Mr. Hankey: Mmmrrr-aaarrrggghhh!!!
Scene Description: Mr. Hankey attacks Cartman.
Mr. Garrison: What the...
Scene Description: The poo is now on the floor, and the class gasps.
Cartman: Gross, Kyle!
Mr. Garrison: Oh my lord, Kyle, did you just throw doo-doo at Eric?
Kyle: Uuuuuuhh...
Cartman: YOU SICK BASTARD!
Scene Description: Some snickers are heard.
Scene Description: The counselor's office, the window showing silhouettes of Kyle and Mr. Mackey. Another student waits outside.
Mr. Mackey, Jr.: Now, uh, Kyle, as your school counselor, uh I want to try and help you confront your problems, 'kay?
Kyle: I don't have a problem.
Mr. Mackey: Well it-it's my understanding that you umhm, yu-you have an acute case of fecophilia.
Kyle: What's that?
Mr. Mackey: Well-uh, a fecophiliac is somebody who's obsessed with mookie-stinks, Kyle.
Kyle: Mookie-stinks?
Mr. Mackey: Now I also understand that you're Jewish. Is that right, Kyle?
Kyle: Wull, not on purpose.
Mr. Mackey: So this must be a pretty hard time of year for you, being Christmas and all. Do the other kids make fun of ya?
Kyle: Well, sometimes...
Mr. Mackey: And that must make you mad.
Kyle: Well sure.
Mr. Mackey: Mad enough to kill, Kyle???
Scene Description: Mr. Mackey looks at him up close.
Kyle: No, dude!
Mr. Mackey: Oh that's good. You see, Kyle, sometimes we feel like an outsider, we-we create friends, Okay-in our minds, Okay?
Kyle: But Mr. Hankey seemed so real...
Mr. Mackey: Well of course he does; in your screwed-up little head he's the only friend you have.
Scene Description: Mr. Mackey sips from his coffee cup, Mr. hankey is now bathing in the cup.
Mr. Hankey: Kyle!
Scene Description: Kyle lowers his head.
Mr. Hankey: Howdy-ho.
Scene Description: Kyle is shocked.
Mr. Mackey: Right now you're nuttier than Chinese chicken salad, m'kay-I mean, you're one screwed-up little kid do you understand?
Scene Description: Kyle looks back up in horror at the counselor, who takes another sip of coffee. Kyle closes his eyes in dread anticipation. Mr. Hankey is still bathing in Mr. Mackey's coffee.
Mr. Hankey: Santa's loaded up his sleigh flying around his merry way...
Mr. Mackey: To try and stay positive stay away from drug and alcohol, and in the meantime I'm gonna put you on a heavy regimen of Prozac...
Scene Description: Mr. Mackey notices the poo in his cup and gasps.
Mr. Mackey: Uuuuuuugghh-oh my God, you sick little monkey!
Scene Description: Kyle's mouth is twisted with chagrin.
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, the school gym. Christmas lights are still hanging and lit.
Mr. Garrison: Okay, children, we've just received word from the mayor that the Christmas play can't include any Christmas lights, since they offend people with epilepsy...
Students: Hhmm.
Mr. Garrison: ...so Kenny, would you please go over and pull the lights cords out of the wall?
Scene Description: a low faucet is dripping next to the outlet, creating a puddle that goes past it. The class looks at the sight, then Kenny goes over...
Mr. Garrison: Careful now, Kenny, those are very, very dangerous.
Scene Description: Kenny tugs at the cords and they come out. He looks at the class, then walks back to his spot.
Mr. Garrison: Okay. Now let's practice our...
Scene Description: Mr. Mackey rushes in, followed by Kyle.
Mr. Mackey: No! Get away from me!
Kyle: Here. Just look more closely at it.
Mr. Mackey: No! Go away! Stan, you need to do something about your friend, m'kay. Get him out of here before he hurts anybody! M'kay?
Scene Description: South Park Mental House.
Stan: Hullo, we need to commit our friend, Kyle please.
Nurse: Reason?
Kyle: I'm a clinically depressed fecophiliac on Prozac.
Nurse: Any allergies?
Kyle: No.
Nurse: Jacket!
Scene Description: Two burly men come out through the doors on either side of the nurse and wrap Kyle up, then take him inside, chattering all the while.
Cartman: Bye, Kyle! Happy Channukah!
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, the school gym.
Mr. Garrison: Okay, children, does everyone have their leotards on?
Scene Description: They do, and just look back. The camera now looks out to the audience.
Artsy Man: Good, it looks like they have taken the Christmas trees down.
His Date: Yes, and there's nothing Christian, either. This should be great!
Sheila: Oh, this could be such a wonderful Christmas play - I wish our little Kyle was here to see it.
Scene Description: Sheila is now sobbing.
Scene Description: South Park Mental House.
Kyle: Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, I made you out of clay Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, with dreidel I will play Second verse, same as the first Dreidel, dreidel, dreidelll-I ma...
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, the school gym. The MC is on stage.
MC: Welcome to the South Park Elementary Holiday...
Man 1: [pointing] Wait, wait, there's a star above the stage. That's very offensive to non-Christians.
Uncle Jimbo: Oh, come on!
Man 1: Hey! Don't put your beliefs on me, buddy!
Randy Marsh: I agree.
Scene Description: Mr. Garrison peeks through the curtain.
Mr. Garrison: Oh brother.
Scene Description: He steps back.
Mr. Garrison: Kenny, would you please climb that ladder and take down the star above the stage?
Scene Description: Kenny approaches the ladder and starts climbing.
Mr. Garrison: And be careful not to fall in that little pool below you, Kenny, the shark for the third act is in there.
Scene Description: Kenny looks down at the pool.
Kenny: (Hunh?)
Scene Description: He looks back at Mr. Garrison.
MC: Ladies and gentlemen, Welcome to the South Park Elementary Holiday Experience. Before we bring out the kiddies for the play, here's a non-offensive, non-denominational holiday song by the school chef.
Chef: I'm gonna lay you down by the Yule log I'm gonna love you right Baby, I'm gonna deck your halls And silence your nights.
Scene Description: Kenny reaches the star and makes sure he's safe.
Chef: You'll hear the herald angels sing When I'm sliding off your bra I just can't wait to jingle your bells and falala your love... You can break my heart, and that means...
Stan: I wish Kyle was here. It just doesn't seem right without him.
Chef: ...We should make love,
Cartman: Well. Ol' Kyle's gonna be locked up for a while, so get used to it.
Chef: ...'Cause if we don't-
Mr. Garrison: Okay, kids, get ready to take your places.
Scene Description: The crowd cheers.
MC: Thank you, Chef!
Scene Description: Kenny finally descends with the star.
Kenny: (Phew!)
MC: And now, South Park Elementary presents the happy, non-offensive, non-denominational Christmas Play, with music and lyrics by New York minimalist composer, Philip Glass!
Scene Description: Philip Glass moves into position and start playing his keyboards. The curtains draw back, and the kids look out at the audience. They begin to move around.
Voice-over: As I turn and look into the sun, the rays burn my eyes.
Scene Description: A track saying "Happy Happy Happy, Everybody Happy" is added, along with an arpeggio. Members of the audience look confused.
Voice-over: How like a turtle the sun looks.
Sheila: What the hell is this???
Scene Description: The kids just keep moving and turning.
Sheila: This is horrible!!!
Father Maxi: This is the most God-awful piece of crap I've ever seen!!
Mr. Garrison: You're the ones who made it this way!
Father Maxi: Yeah, it's because the Jews said it couldn't be Christian.
Gerald: It wasn't our idea to take out Santa Claus!
Elderly Tree Hugger: All you bastards ruined Christmas!
Scene Description: The crowd descends into brawling. A person in blue is thrown towards the stage. The Broflovskis trap Father Maxi.
Gerald: Get him in the ribs!
Scene Description: Sheila punches Father Maxi.
Father Maxi: Oof.
Scene Description: Picking up the elderly tree-hugger.
Man in audience: Damn tree-hugger!
Scene Description: Tosses him away.
Stan: This sucks, dude. This is like the worst Christmas I have ever seen.
Wendy: Yeah.
Scene Description: Chef is now on stage behind the children.
Chef: Say, where's Kyle?
Stan: We committed him.
Chef: What? Why?
Cartman: 'Cause. He kept seeing this little brown piece of Christmas poo everywhere that he went.
Chef: Chirstmas poo? You yuh-you mean Mr. Hankey.
Stan: Huh?! O-oh.
Scene Description: The crowd continues to brawl. Sheila uses a chair on her husband, who quickly falls to the floor. She watches him fall.
Scene Description: A Mr. Hankey Commercial Plays.
Scene Description: Back at the gym. The man in blue is thrown from his post for the third time - an obvious blooper, as the Broflovskis have Father Maxi trapped again.
Stan: This is horrible! Everybody's fighting and my best friend is in an institution, all because we didn't believe in Mr. Hankey!
Chef: Well! You can believe in him now.
Scene Description: A woman backs up across the stage as a man flies towards her. The crowd is more violent now.
Woman: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH.
Stan: I believe.
Scene Description: A piano begins to play softly.
Wendy: I believe in Mr. Hankey.
Scene Description: A shoebox at one side of the stage starts to jump, and the lid pops off. Mr. Hankey jumps up and floats in the air, surrounded by pixie dust.
Mr. Hankey: Hoooowwwwwdy-ho!!!
Scene Description: Everyone on stage gasps.
Mr. Hankey: Howdy, folks. Gosh you sure do smell all nice and flowery.
Cartman, Stan: Whoa!!
Mr. Hankey: Howdy-ho, Chef!
Chef: Howdy-ho, Mr. Hankey!
Cartman: Okay, that does it! Screw this, I'm goin home!
Scene Description: Moves toward stage left.
Cartman: Talking poo is where I draw the line!
Mr. Hankey: What's all the ruckus?
Chef: I'm glad you're here, Mr. Hankey. The whole town is about to kill each other.
Mr. Hankey: I reckon this could be a job for Mr. Hankey!
Scene Description: He sees the crowd fighting and whistles. They stop and turn to see him.
Mr. Hankey: STOP FIGHTING!!
The Mayor: Oh my God, what the hell is that thing?
Mr. Hankey: Come on, gang, don't fight. You people focus so hard on the things wrong with Christmas that you've forgotten what's so right about it. Don't you see? This is the one time of year we're s'posed to forget all the bad stuff, to stop worrying and being sad about the state of the world, and for just one day say, "Aw, the heck with it! Let's sing and dance and bake cookies".
Scene Description: Father Maxi finally gets up from the floor as a single person begins to clap, and the crowd turns to see that the person clapping is Gerald. Then others start clapping and the town begins to cheer. Mr. Hankey is overjoyed at the response.
Stan: Dude, this is pretty fucked up right here.
Scene Description: South Park Mental House. Kyle sits on the floor of a padded room.
Kyle: I'm a Jew A lonely Jew...
Mr. Hankey: Howdy-ho, Kyle!!!
Scene Description: Thinking it's a hallucination.
Kyle: Oh no, I'm not sane yet!
Mr. Hankey: I brought some friends with me.
Kyle: Friends?
Scene Description: Kyle gets up and looks lout a small window. He sees all the townsfolk and smiles, relieved.
Townsfolk: Merry Christmas, Kyle Broflovski!!!
Kyle: You mean you can see him? Ah-I'm not crazy?
Scene Description: The nurse releases him and he rushes out the door. Mr. Hankey follows.
Townsfolk: Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo...
Scene Description: Mr. Hankey kisses Kyle.
Townsfolk: ...he loves me and I love you Therefore, vicariously he loves you...
Scene Description: Mr. Hankey begins tossing presents to everyone.
Townsfolk: ...Even if you're a Jew
Mr. Pirrip: Sometimes he's nutty, sometimes he's corny, he can be brown or greenish-brown But if you eat fiber on Christmas Eve, he might come to your town
Townsfolk: Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo He loves me. I love you Heeeeeeee Looooooves Yoooooouu!
Scene Description: Mr. Hankey, during the second chorus.
Mr. Hankey: Well, I've got a loong night ahead of me. Bye-bye and Merry Christmas.
Scene Description: He floats up to meet Santa as he passes by.
Cartman: Good-bye Mr. Hankey! Bring me lots of presents! I always believed in you!
Santa Claus: Howdy-ho ho ho!
Stan: You know, I learned something today. I learned that Jewish people are okay. And that...Hanukkah can be cool, too.
Kyle: Yeah...[concerned] You know, it seems like something's still not right.
Scene Description: The camera pans over to Kenny.
Cartman: Yeah, something feels...unfinished.
Scene Description: Drum roll.
Stan: Wh-what could it be?
Scene Description: The drum roll heads for a climax.
Scene Description: THE END.
Kenny: (Yee he hee!)
Scene Description: End credits roll.
Scene Description: South Park Public Access. A light is on.
Scene Description: Jesus is on the Jesus and Pals set alone.
Jesus: Happy Birthday to me, Happy Birthday to me...
Scene Description: Jesus blows out the candle on his cake and ends up in the dark. He blinks. Credits resume rolling.