Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Kids are filing into school. Inside, they go to their lockers and switch out books.
PC Principal: [off-screen, but you can hear him slamming lockers shut] Who was it?! Somebody's about to get their asses kicked! [a bunch of kids run screen right.] When I find out who did this!
Butters: [runs into view towards the other fourth graders] PC Principal is on the warpath! Run for your lives! [turns right and runs down another hallway]
Stan: [to Kyle] Again?
Kyle: Oh Jesus, now what?
PC Principal: [appears at screen left and walks towards the fourth graders.] Who was it?! Huh?! Somebody better fess up RIGHT NOW! I'm gonna find out who did this! [Kyle closes his locker and begins to walk away. PC Principal notices] Broflovski! Was it you?
Kyle: Was what me, sir?
PC Principal: I just saw a copy of the school newspaper in which a student used the word "retarded" to refer to our cafeteria lunch policy! The word "retarded" does not belong in our school!! Who is in charge of the school paper?! 'Cause I'm about to break their fuckin' legs!
Stan: Aaah, he's in charge of the school paper. [points to his right. PC Principal turns left and faces... Jimmy. PC Principal is speechless.] You gonna break his legs, PC Principal?
Scene Description: Principal's office, moments later. PC Principal faces Jimmy.
PC Principal: Alright, uhh, I I guess we haven't formally met before. Uhh, the reason I need to talk with you, Jason, is because of a very important-
Jimmy: It's Jimmy, actually. My name is Jimmy, PC Principal.
PC Principal: Alright, Jim. Thank you. I want to talk to you today about the use of the R word in your school paper. [holds up the paper, on which the subject on the front page is chocolate milk being removed from the school menu, "LEAVE OUR CHOCOLATE MILK ALONE"] You see, the 'R' word is very bad.
Jimmy: Says who?
PC Principal: Says me. Right? Now I know a thing or two about the rights of people with disabilities. When you use the 'R' word to describe the school's lunch policy, it can hurt people's hearts. [places his hand over his heart] Can you understand that at all?
Jimmy: That was an op-ed piece in the paper written by a first grader who found the school lunch policy to be ridiculous, and he thought "r-retarded" to be the best word to describe it. As the editor of the paper, I didn't think it was right to censor the words the student used.
PC Principal: ...Okay, well, from now on I'm gonna need to approve the school paper before you hand it out, okay?
Jimmy: No.
PC Principal: What'd you say?
Jimmy: You're new here, so you don't understand how seriously I take my job as editor of the school paper. I don't allow ads, and I don't allow anything that might t-t-t-taint the truth behind what people are thinking. i don't want people to be afraid of words if it stops them from having a dialog.
PC Principal: Look, I don't wanna get angry, okay?
Jimmy: Why? Are you uncomfortable around people with disabilities? That's okay. Lot's of people are.
PC Principal: No, I'm not. I am very not uncomfortable. Alright, look, unless I can approve your paper, it is not being distributed on campus, you got that?
Jimmy: I can't hand out the school paper in school?
PC Principal: Not unless it is approved by me. Do you understand?
Jimmy: Yep, got it.
Scene Description: Neighborhood, day. Jimmy went for distributing the school paper outside of school instead of letting PC Principal approve it for in-school distribution. He appears riding a small Thomas the Tank Engine scooter with small trailer behind him that holds all the papers and begins throwing copies of the paper to all the houses
Jimmy: Don't forget to read the school paper! Now delivered directly to your door. [Wendy is the first student to get the paper. Clyde is next] Super School News! [Jimmy smiles and rides away. His seventh delivery is to Butters' house. Stephen opens the door and the paper smacks him in the face. He manages to catch it though. Jimmy goes on to the PC Delta house and tosses a paper there too. A few PC Bros are lounging around outside]
PC bro 10: What is that, bro? [the front door opens and PC Principal walks out.]
PC Principal: [picks up the paper, takes off the rubber band, and reads it. The headline there: "PC PRINCIPAL'S 'RETARDED' POLICY, by Jimmy Valmer]
Jimmy: [holds up his right middle finger at him] S-s-s-suck my dick, PC Principal! [rides away. PC Principal's bros look at the principal.]
Scene Description: Inside PC Delta, later. PC Principal barely contains his anger as he paces about
PC Principal: Who does this kid think he is?! Challenging me?! I said one micro-aggression to him, okay?! One little micro-aggression! But that doesn't mean I have an unconscious bias towards people with disabilities!
PC bro 4: No way, bro! That's wack!
PC Principal: But why would a person with a disability not see that what I'm trying to do is actually protect them?
PC bro 9: Sometimes victims of oppression are so marginalized that they begin to sympathize with their oppressors.
PC bro 11: Yeah bro.
PC Principal: You're right. This kid just needs to be shown he's being an Uncle Abel. I can always count on my PC frat brothers to have my back. Let's go PC!
PC bros: PC Woo!
Scene Description: The Stotch house, night. Butters' parents are in bed. Stephen is reading the school paper, Linda is looking at her smartphone.
Stephen: Wow. [turns the page] Wow, this is so great. Have you ever read the elementary school newspaper, Linda? There's no ads, no sponsored content, no links to click on. Just news stories about what's happening. [looks at her] Did you know that the police in ShiTpaTown beat up homeless to clear them out? [returns to the paper] Do you know long it's been since I was able to just sit back and read the news? I got so used to getting news off the Internet. But I feel like I'm always trying to chase the news somehow. [sets the paper down on his laps] It's like I'm in a black void, trying to reach the news story. [he's shown doing this in a vacuum] But then the next thing I know I'm reading an ad for Geico. So I click out of that and try to read the news story but it's not a news story. It's a slide show. [for Android phones] And I'm looking at the worst celebrity plastic surgery jobs ever. So of course I want to see the next line of plastic surgery gone wrong, so I hit the arrow, but then the arrow wasn't the arrow for the next line, it was to take me to an ad for face cream. Haugh! I wanted to get a news story, but I'm reading about face cream and I try to click out of it, but the ad is following me, and it's following me all over the screen! Nooo! So I click on the close button, but it wasn't a close button, it was another slide show, and I just want to know what's happening in the Middle East, but instead, I'm looking at the top ten scariest movies of all time, and that's not the arrow for the next line, it's another ad! Aaagh! [comes back to reality] But this... this is just news. And I don't get lost in all the bullshit. Linda? [sees that she's mesmerized and shakes her] Linda!
Scene Description: PC Principal's office, next day. Jimmy is again in there talking to PC Principal
PC Principal: Alright Jim, I know you've been trying to wrap your head around some of the social issues he discussed yesterday. I'm sure you're feeling confused and a little unsure of yourself.
Jimmy: I'm not confused at all, actually, PC Principal.
PC Principal: Okay, well, no, you are confused-
Jimmy: I'm pretty sure that you're the one, but go ahead.
PC Principal: Because you don't grasp the severity of this, and that's why I brought in another young person with disabilities to share his feelings. Thanks for comin' in to talk to us, Nathan.
Nathan: [takes a seat next to Jimmy] I like apples and bananas.
PC Principal: Me too, bro, me too. Nathan, could you tell Jimmy how you feel when people uwe the word "retarded"?
Nathan: It hurts my feelings because I feel bad.
Jimmy: Are you serious right now?
PC Principal: You feel bad, right. You feel like that's a no-no word, right?
Nathan: That word makes my heart piss its pants.
PC Principal: Okay, wow, that's pretty heavy. Pretty heavy, huh Jim?
Jimmy: Do you want to ask him what he means by that, or are you just pandering because you're uncomfortable around disabled people?
PC Principal: I am not uncomfortable! I simply care about a horrible, outdated word that is exclusive, ignores individuality, and equates intellectual disa-bility with being... [begins to stammer] And it's, and it's, s-spot, I need a spotter, spot me, somebody spot me bro!
Topher: [steps in and puts PC Principal's train of thought back on track] And it's, it's part of a derogatory hate speech which fosters isolation and loneliness and being part of a voice to stop the R word is not only right, but extremely important!
Nathan: I'm afraid of bears. [Jimmy is decidedly not convinced of PC Principal's sincerity]
Scene Description: The hallway, later. Nathan is let go first and is walking back to class. Jimmy comes around the corner and catches up to him
Jimmy: Hey Nathan, hold up. What were you doing in there?
Nathan: What do you mean, Jimmy? Are you ma-ad?
Jimmy: Come on Nathan, you and I both know you use the word "retarded" 400 times a day.
Nathan: Oh Jimmy. So righteous, aren't you? So blind to everything that's going on.
Jimmy: What are you talking about?
Nathan: Do you really think all the changes happening to this town are just coincidence? This goes so much deeper than you can possibly imagine, Jim. Everyone's about to learn the truth. And then... There's a war coming. A war, Jim. And I'm just gonna make sure I'm on the right side of it.
Mr. Mackey: Come on, boys, let's get back to class.
Nathan: I like to smell trees! [walks off.]
Scene Description: Channel 4 News Break.
Anchor Tom: An elementary school newspaper is making big waves as more and more people say No to news on the Internet.
Rancher: I read super school news 'cause it don't try and fool me and it's news reports aren't paid for by ad companies.
Gerald: We just feel like this is actual news, and instead of clicking on links, we're reading stories.
Stephen: I had to get away from the ads. I felt like the ads were... evolving somehow. They started knowing what I liked. What I was afraid of. I tried ad blockers, but it seemed like every time I tried to block the ads, they just got smarter. I'm never going back from Super School News.
Anchor Tom: The young editor of the paper claims that since most people now watch news reports on the Internet, they're easily distracted or even fooled by ads, [the camera pulls back to show the news report as a video on Randy's smartphone] which are finding more and more clever ways to disguise them-
Randy: Oooo, brutal celebrity mugshots. [also on the screen, "SoDoSoPa in disrepair" Randy taps on the link, which leads to a slide show of celebrity mugshots which contains 40 images. He taps on the right arrow, and it leads to the first weight-loss ad instead of the next mugshot] O-hoh it got me. Ad got me, Sharon.
Scene Description: The 2015 Presidential Debate
Announcer: We now return live to the 2015 Presidential Debate.
Moderator: Our next question is for you, Mrs. Clinton. Many voters believe that Syrian refugees should not be allowed into our country for security reasons. What do you think?
Hillary: Keeping our country save has become more and more difficult, but I believe there are several things that we can-
Garrison: No! You shut the hell up! You've got a dumpy butt, and seven chins. Syrian refugees are all terrorists!
Hillary: I know that our government needs to take a harder look at all-
Garrison: Yeah well, it's pretty hard to look at you! We can all agree on that!
Caitlyn: [interrupts for a bit] She looks like a donkey took a shit in her face. [goes backstage again]
Garrison: Yeh-hah, good one Caitlyn. See, what I know is that there's only one way to deal with Syrian refugees, and that is...
Everyone: Fuck them all to death!
Garrison: Thank you!! [after the debate Garrison and Caitlyn head backstage laughing] That was hilarious when you called her a pizza face.
Caitlyn: It's like a Papa John's pimple party.
Garrison: Oh, that was classic, Caitlyn. You're the best running mate ever.
Principal Victoria: [the first thing you see is her big hair] Hello, Mr. Garrison.
Garrison: Oh My God... Principal Victoria?
Principal Victoria: [now using a came, walks forward] Congratulations on the polls. We need to talk. [Dramatic music ends Act 1.]
Scene Description: PC Delta house, night. The place is jumping
PC bro 12: [on the sidewalk just left of the entrance] Celebrate diversity! Woooo!
PC bro 13: [on the balcony, right side] GO PC!
Scene Description: PC Delta house, inside. More partying
PC Principal: [walks in with a mic] Alright everyone, listen up. [the music shuts off and everyone falls silent] Tonight is a very special night for the PCs. We're honored to be throwing this event for people with disabilities. [several disabled students are present, like Jimmy, Timmy, Francis, Lenora] I for one am sick of how these amazing kids are marginalized in today's society. but tonight is about learning and healing. So let's get to it! PC! [drops the mic. The other bros echo him and cheer]
PC bro 7: Hey guys, I'm Brad. I'm PC Arizona State.
Jimmy: Nice to meet you, Brad. Where do you guys-?
Brad: Excuse me a second. [walks over to a pretty brunette and her friend] Hello, ladies. Thanks for coming to our event.
Ladies: Hi.
Brad: We're just tired with the way people with disabilities get treated. Can I get you some alcohol?
PC bro 14: Yah, you know, it just bugs me when people refer to persons with disabilities as "handicapped." When I hear that word I wanna fuckin' punch them in the fuckin' face.
Blonde: That's so cool of you, wow.
PC bro 14: Yeah. [Jimmy walks into view, but no one notices him] To me marginalizing persons with disabilities by asking them what their handicap is, is a micro-aggression no better than asking a person of color if they went to college.
Blonde: Wow, you're really progressive.
PC bro 14: No other way to be. So uh, listen. I think you're really pretty and interesting, and I'd kinda like to take you upstairs and totally crush your pussy. Would that be acceptable to you?
Blonde: [looks away, giggling] Oh well, I, I guess it would.
PC bro 14: No, I'm sorry, I need affirmative consent. I'll need you to say "Yes, you may take me upstairs and crush my pussy at this time." [PC Bros and their lady guests pair up and dance, some of them making out. Brad dances with two women and makes out with the redhead. Jimmy is the only disabled person left in the room]
PC bros: PC Bros, PC. Yeah!
Scene Description: Dawn at PC Delta. OC Principal goes knocking on every door in the house
PC Principal: McKinsey, you got consent forms?
McKinsey: Oh yeah, right here bro. [hands him the forms through the door]
PC Principal: Rise and shine guys. If you scored last night, I'll need your consent forms. [the other bros hand him their forms through their doors] Thank you. Thank you. Thank you-whoa! Barker, did you perform cunnilingus? There's a different release form, bro.
PC bro 15: Yup. Uh, so-, sorry. It's right here.
PC Principal: Nice.
PC bro 11: [voice only, behind him] Bro! Aw, dude, bro!
PC Principal: What, bro?
PC bro 11: Dude, I scored with this female and after consenting to putting her mouth on my penis, she wanted me to walk her home.
PC Principal: Yeah?
PC bro 11: And when I got to her house she had me meet her father who is Filipino, so I asked him if he could tell me about their cultural and social dynamic to being a Filipino-American.
PC Principal: Naturally.
PC bro 11: So he said some stuff, and then the newspaper landed on his doorstep, 'cause I guess her dad subscribes to the school newspaper, and he picked it up and I saw the headline said this!
Scene Description: thrusts the paper in front of PC Principal. The headline reads "'PC' STANDSD FOR PUSSY CRUSHING"
PC Principal: [grabs the paper and reads it] What the fuck is this bro?
PC bro 11: Bro, that little kid wrote that our tolerant views and fight for social justice is just a way for us to crush puss!
PC Principal: That's not true!!
PC bro 11: I know, bro!! We're being totally victimized!
PC Principal: That little fucker, dude!
Scene Description: Jimmy's house, day. someone knocks on his door, he opens it.
Representative: Hello. You're the boy responsible for the South Park Super School News?
Jimmy: That's right.
Representative: We would like to give you $26 million. [Jimmy seems interested, so he lets him in. They sit down at the coffee table and the rep opens his briefcase, taking out documents] Contracts, and the first check. We'd love to be in business with you.
Jimmy: What is this for?
Representative: I represent an organization called Geico. It's an insurance company. We think Super School News would be a great way for us to reach new customers.
Jimmy: Sorry Charlie, but I don't allow ads in my newspaper.
Representative: We've heard all about that, so we thought you could just do some ...news stories about car insurance. Just state the facts, because the truth is, everyone can save by switching to Geico.
Jimmy: That's called "sponsored content." I know the difference between the news and ads. Do you think I'm stupid?
Representative: Everyone's doing it, Jim. You're sort of the last holdout. $26 million just to write some news stories that get people thinking about their insurance coverage?
Jimmy: Sth-sth-sth, stick it up your ass!
Representative: Hm. [puts the documents back in the briefcase...] Well, they said you'd be tough. [...and brings out a gun and arms it] Do you really think you can stop ads?
Jimmy: Yes.
Representative: You can try to block ads, but they get smarter. The more we ty to shut them out, the more clever they get. There's a war coming, kid, and I'm gonna make sure I'm on the right side of it. [a bullet shoots through his head from behind. killing him where he stands. Blood begins oozing out his mouth. He falls to his knees and then onto the floor. Barbrady is in the doorway, his knees weak, but his gun drawn]
Jimmy: Officer Barbrady?
Barbrady: Come with me if you want to live! [he runs back to is car, but Jimmy is confused. Barbrady returns] Come on! Come with me if you want to live! I'm serious! [runs back to his car]
Scene Description: The Marsh house, day. Randy is in the kitchen browsing on his phone when Sharon appears in the kitchen doorway with a copy of the school paper in her left hand
Sharon: Do you want to explain to me what pussy crushing is?!
Randy: What?
Sharon: Your little meetings you go to at night to discuss social justice?! [drops the paper on the table. Randy picks it up and reads the front page] It's just a way to pick up on young women?!
Randy: Sh-sharon, most of the guys in my PC club are right out of college, alright? You know how college kids are. Who wrote this?
Sharon: I don't want you going over there anymore!
Randy: [stands up] I don't cheat on you, Sharon! I'm happy. Look at what's happened to our town. We have ShiTpaTown, boutique restaurants and artisan shops. We have a fucking Whole Foods, and that was all me! Diverse people are moving here, and everyone is being aware of how they talk. This is paradise, Sharon!
Sharon: [gets in his face] Is it? [turns right and walks out towards the living room, then turns around] All I know is that you've changed. Every since you joined this PC thing you just bully people. And wait for people to say anything improper so you can jump down their throats for whatever words he or she used.
Randy: He or she is an agenderphobic microagressions, Sharon. You are a bigot. [Sharon turns around and walks away again while he resumes reading the paper.]
Scene Description: A meeting room next to the interrogation room. The agent is there with six other agents, all looking at Jimmy. Barbrady stands off to the side against the wall.
Agent: The average human can no longer tell the difference between the news and an ad. You seem to have some mental ability that allows you to know the difference.
Jimmy: Does this have to do with me calling the school principal a pussy crusher?
Agent: The PC People are simply being manipulated, unwittingly setting the table for the new enemy of humanity.
Jimmy: You mean ISIS or ninjas?
Agent: [stands up] Something... much worse. [turns away] Have you ever felt like an ad had... intelligence? That it somehow knew what you wanted, even before you knew you wanted it? [] What if I were to tell you that ads have become smarter than us? And now they're manipulating everything we do?
Jimmy: I'd say that sounds pretty retarded.
Agent: [walks to Jimmy's end of the table, then veers away] It was our own fault. Mankind became tired of ads, so we kept inventing ways to make things ad-free. We even created ad blockers. That's when the ads had to adapt. They had to disguise themselves as news in order to survive.
Jimmy: Sponsored content?
Agent: If you really can tell the difference, then you could be the key to saving our species, Jimmy. We'd like to run a test on you.
Scene Description: Sponsored Content, Test 17-B
Computer: Sponsored Content, Test 17-B, Ready. Begin. [a series of news articles pop up onscreen, and Jimmy has to discern whether it's news or advertisement. "Doctor Found Dead In Apartment"]
Jimmy: That's the news. ["Dental Problems on the Rise"] That's an ad. ["Missile Test Lights Up The Sky"] That's the news. ["Vermont Experiencing Heavy Snow"] That's an ad. [a different agent clicks through the articles for him] That's the news. That's an ad. That's an ad. That's the new-oh no, that's an ad for act food. My bad.
Agent: Jesus Christ, he's off the charts.
Agent 2: Increase the intensity.
Jimmy: ["Man Arrested for Murder of Entire Household"] That's the news ["Price of Precious Metal Rises Due To War"] That's an ad. News. Ad. Ad. Ad. Ad. Ad. News. News. Ad. Ad. Slideshow. Ad. [The test ends and the computers wind down. Jimmy's chair is pulled away from the main computer on a track.]
Agent: That's a perfect score. You are a very special child, Jimmy.
Jimmy: I prefer "handicapped," actually.
Agent: We have another child here who's special too. [a metal security shield comes down to reveal a window, and a girl on the other side of the window.] Do you know... Leslie? [she notices him on the other side of the glass and looks at him]
Scene Description: PC Delta house. The PC Bros are putting up yellow tape saying "SAFE SPACE - DO NOT CROSS" on it.
PC Principal: [steps outside to survey the work] Alright, that's good. Everyone get inside. Everything past here is safe space. [the bros start going inside] No reporters, no harassment. We are gonna figure this shit out. [PC Principal closes the door behind himself. Once inside, everyone is sitting around in silence. PC Principal finally speaks] All I know is that I don't speak up for minorities so that I can crush pussy.
PC bro 16: Me neither, dude. I want social justice and now I'm being made fun of.
PC bro 17: Yeah bro. They're taking our incredibly tolerant views and distorting them.
PC Principal: PC people are under attack. That's what this is.
PC bro 18: Hey yeah. Bro! We're the victims now. Like, we're being marginalized. Like... that makes us pretty cool.
Topher: Yeah, I bet now we can get a lot more puss.
PC Principal: No, Topher! It's not about puss, alright?! The fuck is wrong with you?! We're being labeled as meatheads who just wanna crush puss by an intolerant newspaper!
PC bro 16: [now standing] Yeah, fuck that dude, bro!
PC Principal: Yeah. And like, if you're gonna belittle and make fun of PC people like that, then who's to say he won't do it to other marginalized groups like us? I mean, this kid could be the next Hitler. And if you guys could stop Hitler, what would you do?
PC bro 9: I'd rip that dude apart and then go home and totally smash some puss, bro.
Other Bros: Hell yeah!
PC Principal: Nooo!
Scene Description: The interrogation room. Jimmy now sits opposite Leslie
Leslie: You look familiar. Don't you go to my school?
Jimmy: Yes. Uh, I'm Jimmy. Editor In Chief of Super School News. [smiles]
Leslie: I'm Leslie.
Jimmy: N, nice to finally talk to you.
Leslie: Did they bring you in and give you a bunch of tests too?
Jimmy: Yes, they did. Do you know who "they" are?
Leslie: I think they're ex-newsmen. You know, the men in suits who used to be in charge of the news.
Scene Description: the men are listening in on this conversation
Jimmy: I thought I recognized them.
Leslie: They told me I was special. Are you special too?
Jimmy: I prefer "handicapped."
Leslie: [makes a weird noise] I like that.
Scene Description: Mr. Garrison's campaign office.
Mr. Garrison: Principal Victoria, if everything you've said is true, then, why doesn't anyone know about it?
Principal Victoria: There are people who know. But they have to stay very hidden.
Mr. Garrison: I'm just havin' a hard time swallowing all this. And between me and this one over here, we can swallow just about anything.
Caitlyn: [scoffs] Oh God, you're such an asshole.
Principal Victoria: Mr. Garrison, I wasn't fired. I was replaced. This goes much higher than anyone knows.
Scene Description: PC Principal's office, day. He's now the one explaining things to ... someone
PC Principal: I came to this town really thinking I could make a difference. I've been called a bigot towards persons with disabilities. I've been called... [stops for an instant] Pussy-crusher, because of the behavior of a very few individuals in my PC frat. [Nathan is shown] Jimmy Valmer is off the school newspaper. I want you to take over.
Nathan: Ooooh boy!
PC Principal: And I will be reviewing your paper to make sure nobody is ever attacked the way I was again.
Nathan: I think this will be the beginning of a beautiful friendship.
PC Principal: Jimmy almost made me lose confidence, but I know who I am. I know what I am!
PC bro 11: [voice only] Dude! Bro! [runs into the principal's office] Oh, bro, I went online to read a news story about immigrants being discriminated against.
PC Principal: Yeah?
PC bro 11: Well, and so I clicked on the headline and it turned out to be an ad for Reddi-Wip. so then I clicked on the button to make it go away, but then it was a link to another ad, and when i tried to cancel that, another window came up, and it was this! [approaches the desk and shows
PC Principal: Dude! [stands up and whips his glasses off] What the fuck, bro?
PC bro 11: What does this mean, dude?
PC Principal: Bro! What the fuck, bro?!
Scene Description: Back at the interrogation room...
Leslie: Do you like our school, Jimmy.
Jimmy: Uh yes, Leslie, I like our school very much.
Leslie: I like our school too. I like the kids who go there.
Jimmy: Uh huh. I'm starting to wonder something about you, Leslie.
Leslie: I'm starting to wonder about you. I mean, you seem like a nice kid, but... don't you feel like you could be happier? [this sets off an alarm in him]
Jimmy: Holy. Shit.
Leslie: What?
Jimmy: Can you excuse me for a moment?
Leslie: Okay. [Jimmy leaves the room for a moment]
Agent: Well Jimmy? What do you think?
Jimmy: [looks over his shoulder] Does she know she's an ad?
Agent 3: He can spot them.
Jimmy: Does she know she's an ad?!
Scene Description: PC Delta house, night. PC Principal is looking at his monitor, on which is the same picture he saw at school. It's the same picture as that of Naughty Ninjas, but with additional details. The camera pans out to reveal that the picture is part of a State Farm insurance ad.
PC Principal: [softly, looking truly victimized now] What the hell is going on, bro?!
PC bro 19: [stops by and checks in on him] Bro?
PC Principal: Bro, what the hell is going on, bro?
Scene Description: Caitlyn Jenner's car, Washington D.C., night.
Principal Victoria: If we're going back, remember: we don't know who we can trust.
Mr. Garrison: If they wanna mess with my town, I'll fuck every last one of them! Let's do this!
Caitlyn: Buckle up, buckaroos! [revs up the motor and drives off running over several people]


Scene Description: South Park Elementary, Fourth Grade, day. The new teacher, Mrs. Nelson is writing out a lesson on adverbial clauses on the chalkboard
Mrs. Nelson: Alright guys, now let's go back and talk about infinitives [begins writing the lesson on that subject]. Remember, those are verbs combined with the work "to."
Cartman: [yawns and whispers to Kyle] Oh, my fucking God...
Mrs. Nelson: Now, usually an infinitive acts like a noun, as in "I want TO go out to eat" or [Cartman tugs on Kyle's pen, making him mess up, and smiles. Kyle pulls the pen away. Cartman pulls again] "I hope TO be chosen today."
Kyle: What?
Cartman: I'm so bored, dude.
Mrs. Nelson: Now usually, it isn't common to split TO and the verb, but sometimes you can, [Cartman pulls the pen out of Kyle's hand and throws it away]
Kyle: Knock it off!
Mrs. Nelson: as in-. Is there a problem, guys?
Kyle: Go get my pen, fatass
Cartman: I am not your slave, Kyle.
Kyle: Go get my pen!
Mr. Mackey: [over the PA system] Attention, students. Kyle Broflovski report to the Principal's office please?
Cartman: [laughs] PC Principal wants to see you, Kyle!
Mr. Mackey: Kyle Broflovski to the Principal's office please, m'kay?
Kyle: Goddammit! [leaves his seat]
Cartman: Have fun, dude.
Scene Description: The Principal's office. Kyle arrives and sighs heavily before going in. At the desk, Mr. Mackey is looking through some drawers, but PC Principal isn't there.
Mr. Mackey: [looks up surprised] Oh, Kyle. [sits down on the chair and looks fearful] Uhh, uhh, thank you for coming.
Kyle: Where's PC Principal?
Mr. Mackey: I think he's finally lost it, Kyle. He and his PC buddies are on a hunger strike and, they're calling for people's resignations. Kyle, PC Principal had problems with Jimmy and with Leslie. And now they're missing. M'kay? Nobody knows where they are. That's what happens. You go against PC, and you just end up missing. M'kay?
Kyle: What are you talking about?
Mr. Mackey: PC Principal had issues with them. M'kay? And he had issues with you, Kyle. Whatever's goin' on, it's pretty damn scary.
Scene Description: Montage. First, programming code appears onscreen, then Jimmy
Jimmy: For years, mankind has tried to rid the world of ads. For our ancestors, ads couldn't be avoided. But everyone knew what was an ad, and what wasn't. After many years, mankind invented cable. A way to p-pay for television so there would be no ads. But somehow, the ads still found a way. And so mankind invented TiVo. A way to skip past commercials. Finally, it appeared to be the end of ads. And everywhere, people rejoiced. The ads were stopped. Or so it seemed. With the rise of the Internet, suddenly the ads got an en- tirely new way to attack us. Popups. The top scientific minds were brought together to find a way to stop the ads, once and for all. They invented the ad blocker. Suddenly there were no ads on phones, on computers. And everywhere, people rejoiced. The ads adapted. They became s-smarter. They disguised themselves as news. All around the world people read news stories completely unaware that they were reading ads . And now, the ads have taken the next step in their evolution. They have taken human form. Ads are among us. They could be your friend, your g-gardener. The ads are trying to wipe us out. But the question is... how?
Scene Description: The Marsh house, dinner. All the family is there.
Randy: So, um, ahem, South Park kind of sucks now. You guys wanna bail? [everyone else but Grandpa are stunned at this and stop eating.]
Sharon: What?
Shelly: What are you talking about?
Randy: It's just, you know, it used to be nice and laid-back here, but now it's all [puts his palms forward] Uuuuhhh, you know? Like like now everybody's all Uuhh-uuhhh. Let's bail. You wanna bail, Stan?
Stan: No, I don't. [Randy lowers his head and looks at his food,]
Scene Description: The master bedroom, after dinner. Randy is pacing back and forth across the room while Sharon stands with her arms crossed looking at him
Sharon: What's going on, Randy?
Randy: Nothing! I just... You know, we don't have to live here, we can live anywhere.
Sharon: Last month, all you could talk about was how great this town had become. What changed your mind?
Randy: [stops and looks away] ...We can't afford it. [Sharon's jaw drops]
Sharon: We can't afford it?
Randy: All these fancy new restaurants and shops and [sits on the edge of the bed] everyone wants to live here! A bowl of City beef costs ten bucks now, for Christ's sake. And there's nowhere to shop but stupid Whole Foods!
Sharon: [crosses her arms] Well, we'll just have to stop going to those places.
Randy: I had to take out a second mortgage on the house.
Sharon: You [uncrosses her arms] what?
Randy: [gets up, runs to her, and holds her shoulders] I had to, Sharon! It isn't my fault! It's the Man. Don't you see? The Man... is pricing us out of our own town.
Scene Description: The newsmen's headquarters. Leslie is in the interrogation room, while Jimmy looks in from the meeting room.
Jimmy: [faces the newsmen] It's just my luck. I talk to a nice girl, seem to hit it off, and she turns out to just be an ad.
Tom: Well, that's what an ad does. She was designed to entice, and manipulate.
Jimmy: This is such a fantastic story for the school newspaper. Why don't we just run it so that everyone knows the truth?
Tom: Jimmy, we're newsmen, like you. For decades we used our soft buttery voices to inform the people about what's happening. Then we watched as our entire industry was taken over by the ads. [the newsman to his right lowers his head and looks at the table] Some of our colleagues were manipulated into doing the ads' bidding. The man who came to your house with a gun was one of them. Our own Kevin Jarvis has more.
Kevin: Thanks, Tom. Jimmy, the man who tried to kill you was Brian Boint, of WXNR, Fort Collins. When he saw there was no money in news anymore he sided with the ads, even though he knew it meant the destruction of our species. Back to you, Tom.
Tom: Thanks, Kevin. The only hope for the truth to get out there, Jimmy, is for you to see through this ad's deception and to find out what they're planning. Your Super School News was a threat to them. But unless you get this little bitch to talk, we may never know why.
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, hallway, day. Kenny and Stan walk into view, spot Kyle, and walk over to him. Stan is carrying a copy of the school newspaper
Stan: Dude, Kyle. Will you look at this? [shows him the paper, which has a report on PC Principal sending Jimmy and Leslie on a Disney Cruise]
Kyle: "Principal Sends Two Favorite Students On A Disney Cruise. This week, students Jimmy Valmer and Leslie Meyers are being treated to an all-expenses-paid vacation for their outstanding school-" what the hell is this?
Stan: It doesn't make any sense, dude. PC Principal is using the school paper to cover something up.
Kyle: Yeah I... Ah I don't wanna get involved.
Stan: You don't wanna get involved? Dude, what's wrong with you?
Kyle: I've already learned you can't win against PC Principal. You should know of all people since he converted your dad.
Stan: What's that supposed to mean?
Butters: [runs up with Cartman] Fellas! We found out what happened to Jimmy! He got to go on a vacation for being an exemplary student.
Stan: That is not what happened! Something is very wrong here! We all have to stand up to PC Principal together!
Cartman: Yeah, and wasn't Jimmy the one in charge of the school newspaper? So who's putting this out?
Scene Description: The school newsroom. Nathan is at the computer typing random letters on the keyboard.
Nathan: I like the school paper. I like to type with my hands. [the camera then shows Stan, Kyle, Cartman, Kenny, and Butters in the room watching Nathan.]
Kyle: Who told you that the principal sent Jimmy on a Disney Cruise?
Nathan: Uhhh. Uhhh. Uhhh, I don't remember.
Stan: You have quotes in here from Jimmy. Did you talk to him?
Nathan: Uhhh. Uhhh, I like the school paper.
Stan: [the boys look at each other] Come on, we'll get to the bottom of this. [they head out]
Nathan: [some seconds later] Did I do good, computer? [touches the screen] I think the sponsored content fooled them. I hope I made you happy. Can you see me, computer? Do you know what I'm thinking right now? [a porn popup windows appears] Ahh, thanks, computer.
Scene Description: The edge of town. Caitlyn, Principal Victoria, and Mr. Garrison have arrived and park on the side of the road to look at the town.
Principal Victoria: We have to make sure nobody recognizes us. There's no telling who works for who. Here, Caitlyn, I got you this fake mustache to put on.
Caitlyn: I'm not putting on a mustache, I'll look silly.
Mr. Garrison: Oh, that, that's where you draw the line, huh Caitlyn?
Caitlyn: Don't be an asshole.
Mr. Garrison: No, you're right, that's nuts! A woman wearing a mustache, that's just ridiculous, huh Cait?
Caitlyn: Alright alright, I'll put it on, fuck.
Mr. Garrison: No no, please, Cait, don't put on a fake mustache, that's c-razy. [Caitlyn puts it on] You don't want people thinking you're a weirdo, I mean, Jeez.
Caitlyn: [taps him gently like a kitten] You-hur such an asshole.
Scene Description: ShiTpaTown, day. A shopper leaves Whole Foods with two bags of groceries and is promptly run over by Caitlyn. Nobody bats an eye. Garrison and Victoria step out, followed by Caitlyn
Mr. Garrison: What the hell is this? What have they done to my town?
Principal Victoria: Keep your voice down.
Mr. Garrison: Since when do we have a flippin' Whole Foods?! [they walk towards it]
Principal Victoria: Everything's changed.
Survey worker: [stops the three of them] Hi there, you got a minute for gay rights?
Mr. Garrison: Gay rights? Jeez, you've already got all those. What the hell do you wanna do now? [the three walk on in]
Scene Description: Whole Foods. The clerk at checkout 5 is finished with Mr. Stotch's purchases
Clerk: All right, your total is a hundred twenty six thirty nine, and would you like to give a dollar to help hungry children get iPads to protect your Internet safe space today?
Stephen: I will.
Mr. Garrison: What the Sam Hell is goin' on!
Scene Description: The interrogation room. Jimmy and Leslie face off again.
Leslie: Why would anyone think that I'm on the principal's side? I hate the principal. I think he's a dick.
Jimmy: So you don't know anything about the principal that might be newsworthy? Super School News worthy?
Leslie: Just that he hated me and called me a blabbermouth. I don't think I'm a blabbermouth. I just like talking to people.
Jimmy: [clears his throat] Leslie, what kind of... plans do you have? Do you have any... plans?
Leslie: What kind of plans?
Jimmy: Just, you know, plans. Like what are you hoping tooo... accomplish? [the newsmen watch from the meeting room]
Leslie: I don't know. What are your plans?
Jimmy: Well, I want to pursue careers in both news reporting and comedy.
Leslie: Really? That's... different.
Jimmy: Yeah, you're pretty different yourself, Leslie.
Leslie: How so?
Scene Description: The meeting room. Barbrady is still bearing witness while Jimmy sits at the table with the newsmen
Jimmy: I'm starting to think that maybe all ads aren't so bad.
Tom: Jimmy, you're thinking with your dick.
Jimmy: I am not thinking with my dick.
Tom: Yes you are.
Jimmy: No, I just think that she's a-
Tom: Put your dick away.
Jimmy: She's ag- emotional
Tom: Jim.
Jimmy: Interesting, caring girl.
Tom: Jimmy, that's your dick talking. [Jimmy stays quiet] Believe me, I know how you feel. Ads promise us things. Ads are perfect. But make no mistake: [speaks slowly] all ads lie. And all ads deceive.
Scene Description: Kyle's room, afternoon. Kyle is at his computer browsing the Web and looking at Twitter and Instagram.
Kyle: There. Leslie's Instagram and her Twitter. Last entry was ten days ago.
Butters: What about Jimmy's?
Kyle: Jimmy never used that stuff, remember? He said he hated using the Internet.
Cartman: How do you hate the Internet? That's like hating titties.
Butters: What are you doing now?
Kyle: I'm just looking for any news articles or anything about PC Principal. [his computer is recording the conversation] Where did you say PC Principal was from?
Stan: I think it was Vermont.
Kyle: Maybe there's something from the news in Vermont that could give us a clue about- [an ad for a Vermont vacation pops up] Goddammit what the hell is this?
Stan: That's an ad for skiing in Vermont.
Butters: Wow that looks fun! [Kyle closes the popup and tries again. A couple of windows later, he gets a news article]
Kyle: Dude. Dude, look at this. "How PC Culture is changing Vermont from a state of intolerance to a s-" [a popup ad for a guitar appears] Dude there it is again!
Kenny: What?
Kyle: It's that goddamned guitar! This ad is fucking following me!
Stan: Just click out of it.
Kyle: I'm trying! Goddammit get over here!
Stan: That's a pretty sweet-looking guitar.
Kyle: [looks at Stan] It is pretty cool dude, it tunes itself.
Cartman: How does it do that?
Kyle: It's this company that does all kinds of hi-tech instruments. See look, I'll show you.
Stan: Oh that's sweet. Send me the link to that so I can- [a popup ad for Victor Frankenstein appears] Oh dude that new Frankenstein movie is out. I totally wanna see that.
Cartman: That movie's gonna suck dude.
Stan: Hit the arrow, I wanna see where it's playing.
Kyle: [click] OH. Sorry, wrong arrow button. [a popup ad for Fun Cream ice cream appears]
Butters: Wow, what kind of ice cream is that?
Scene Description: At an ice cream parlor, later on. They're in a booth laughing at something
Butters: So Clyde said to Token, "Why don't you open a bank account with your mouth so I can deposit my dick in it?" [the boys laugh]
Kyle: So then what'd Token say?
Butters: Well Token was all like-
Stan: Wait wait wait wait wait whoa, whoa. What the hell are we doing?
Cartman: Eating ice cream, dipshit.
Stan: But what about Jimmy? We were all like totally trying to find out what happened to him.
Kyle: Whoa, what the hell just happened?
Butters: We got distracted. We've gotta get back to that computer! [The boys split for the computer without their ice cream, except to Cartman, who takes his... and a couple of seconds later, Kenny's]
Scene Description: Skeeter's Wine Bar, day. Skeeter is serving up drinks
Skeeter: Now this here is a dry Riesling. You're gonna experience vanilla after-tones and a nutty finish.
Rancher: You mean like someone put their balls in the glass?
Skeeter: No, like chestnuts, dammit!
Rancher: I just can't keep up with this town no more. Everything's gettin' all nice and fancy. I swear I'm gonna need to get a second mortgage on the ranch just to pay muh daily expenses.
Randy: Don't you get it? That's just what they want. Nobody cares about the people who lived here before. They want us to move, 'cause they wanna knock our houses down and build more lofts and villas!
Skeeter: Alright Randy, you should probably lay off the old vine Châteauneuf-du-Pape.
Randy: [now by Stuart's table] You'll all see! Pretty soon everyone who used to live here is gonna have to move. And we'll be shopping at Safeway again. [sets his glass down on the table and walks out the door]
Scene Description: The sidewalk in front of Skeeter's. Randy walks down the street thinking to himself...
Randy (singing): Where has my town gone? Where has- [a leg kicks him across the face]
Randy: Oooff!
Caitlyn: You like apples? [punches him in the belly, causing him to groan] How d'you like them apples? [hauls him into the alley]
Randy: Hey, it's Caitlyn Jenner! [Caitlyn slams Randy against a wall face first]
Garrison: Check his ass!
Randy: Principal Victoria? [Caitlyn pulls down Randy's pants and briefs to reveal the PC branding]
Victoria: He's one of them.
Randy: One of what?
Garrison: Caitlyn. [Caitlyn punches Randy hard in the ribs. He groans and collapses onto the ground.]
Scene Description: The meeting room. Jimmy and Leslie face off yet again.
Jimmy: Okay Leslie, let's try a different approach. Let's say you wanted tooo... destroy the entire species. How would you go about it?
Leslie: Why would I want to destroy an entire species? You have the wrong idea about me, Jimmy. The person trying to change things and make things terrible is the new principal.
Jimmy: And what is the new principal trying to do, Leslie?
Leslie: He's trying to make sure that people like you and me aren't allowed to exist. I know that you're trying to help. I know that the newsmen in there are trying to help too. [Kevin glances back at Tom] But now I'm going to tell you something very important, Jimmy. [the newsmen lean in towards the monitors. A popup car ad appears, and they can't see or hear what Leslie is saying.]
Scene Description: The meeting room
The Chevy Ad: [a driver walks up to his truck and plays with his dog] Like a rock. I drive a Chevy, I'm a cowboy, and I drive it like a rock.
Tom: What the hell is that?
Kevin: Tom, it looks like a popup ad.
Tom: How did an ad get in here? Let's go to David at the network hub.
David: No answers here, Tom. We're trying to correct the problem.
Scene Description: The interrogation room. The room is now bathed in red light, a sign that the room is secure and no one can see or hear what's going on inside from outside
Leslie: You have to get me out of here, Jimmy. They're going to kill me.
Jimmy: What?
Leslie: Listen to me carefully and don't look at the glass. I feel something for you I have never felt before. I think it's trust. The men in there are sick with hatred and as soon as they realize I have no information they are going to burn me. I've seen them do it to others. Please, you have to help me, Jimmy. Don't let them hurt me. Please don't abandon me. When the lights go back on just look at me and smile.
Scene Description: The meeting room
Tom: David, any word on the popup ad situation?
David: Tom, we've just about got it fixed. It should be ready now. [the newsmen turn to look at the monitors, and Leslie is down]
Leslie: And that's really it, Jimmy. I want to help all of you however I can. [he looks at her, and smiles a second later]
Scene Description: Foot Vault, a shoe store. The boys are getting fitted for new shoes and enjoying themselves. They had gone to McDonald's and ordered chicken McNugget's and sodas, which they are now consuming in the shoe store
Cartman: And then Token tells Clyde that if his mouth was a bank, Clyde's mom would have already deposited her dick in it. Which is hilarious because Clyde's mom is dead. [the boys burst out laughing again]
Stan: Wait wait wait wait whoa whoa. What the hell are we doing?
Butters: We're tryin' on shoes and eatin' chicken nuggets, stupid. What do you think?
Stan: No. That's not what we set out to do.
Kyle: We were... We were on Cartman's computer looking up news stories about PC Principal.
Cartman: Didn't we finish doing that?
Stan: No, we didn't.
Kyle: It's like... someone's trying to... distract us. [looks suspiciously at Stan] Because they're worried what we'll uncover about PC people.
Stan: Yeah, like one of us is purposefully trying to keep us from digging too deep because they're afraid.
Kyle: Why are you looking at me?
Stan: Why are you looking at me?
Cartman: Why isn't anyone looking at me?
Scene Description: Park Motel, day. Caitlyn's car is parked over two people in front of Room 10. Caitlyn closes the blinds. Mr. Garrison splashes some water onto Randy
Randy: Hey, fuck you.
Garrison: Wake up, dickhead!
Randy: [opens his eyes] Garrison? The hell is wrong with you?!
Garrison: I'll tell you what's wrong with me! There's enemies to humanity out there wantin' to put an end to all of us, and there's assholes like you helpin' them out!
Randy: I don't know what you're talking about.
Victoria: Whose idea was it to revitalize the shitty part of town into an arts and foods district called ShiTpaTown?
Randy:
Garrison: Son of a bitch!
Randy: What? To take one area of town that was rappy and gentrify it for the local people to enjoy? I thought we could keep it contained.
Victoria: It doesn't contain. What's happened to South Park is happening everywhere. [brings out a photo book and flips through some pictures] Thirty miles south of here in the town of Fairplay, they've changed the area north od Downtown into NoDoFoPa. A rundown area south of the capital in Cheyenne, Wyoming, is now historic SoCaCheyWo. Channel Street in mid-Chicago is being revitalized into Chimichanga.
Randy: Oh my God.
Victoria: LoDo, SoBro, RivMo, all happening at the same time. And it isn't just in the U.S. In Cairo, the area northwest of the third pyramid is NoWe3Pi. Three miles north of Auschwitz is NoMoAuchie. It goes on and on!
Randy: What does it mean?
Garrison: In our town it all started when PC Principal arrived. He's part of a mjuch larger conspiracy, and you're his lackey.
Randy: Not me. If PC Principal has been using us, I'll take the bastard down myself.
Scene Description: The PC Delta house, day. A reporter files this report
Reporter: It's day two of the hunger strike started by the college-aged fraternity brothers who are demanding that all of South Park's community leaders step down. The PC frat brothers say they've gone now two days without eating any pussy, and will continue to do so until people resign.
Tom: Who is that reporter? Do we... know him?
Kevin: Tom, that's Bill Keegan, WCFO.
Tom: Thanks, Brian. [Jimmy sneaks past the newsmen in the background] He's working for the ads, obviously. Sellout douche-bag.
Newsman: That's right, Tom. He was always a douche-bag at the conventions.
Tom: Thanks, Rick. Stay dry.
Scene Description: The interrogation room door opens. Leslie looks up. Jimmy peeks in
Jimmy: Leslie, come on.
Leslie: Jimmy. You're gonna help me?
Jimmy: Yeah I'm gonna help you. I mean, come on.
Scene Description: The meeting room. Jimmy and Leslie make it to the entrance, but the sound of his crutches draw the newsmen's attention
Tom: Jimmy! [Jimmy and Leslie turn around]
Newsman 2: Oh Jesus, he let her out.
Jimmy: PC Principal is our enemy, not her.
Tom: His dick is compromised. [spreads his arms out to protect the newsmen] Stay back! [the newsmen and Barbrady step back a few feet]
Jimmy: It is not my dick. I am thinking rationally and with logic. I am taking her out of here!
Tom: Well then, [pulls a gun out of his inside coat pocket and aims it at Jimmy] I'm sorry I'm going to have to do this, Jimmy. [walks over to Barbrady and gives him the gun] Officer Barbrady, we need you to shoot these kids.
Barbrady: What?
Tom: The ad has got to him. [puts Barbrady into a shooting stance] There's no time to argue.
Barbrady: I'm not shooting any more kids.
Tom: Do you want to save your town?!
Jimmy: Officer Barbrady, we have to stop PC Principal before it's too late.
Tom: Barbrady, shoot them in their heads!
Barbrady: No! I'm not shooting any more people! Not for you, not for nobody!
Tom: You're making the worst mistake of your life, officer.
Barbrady: Maybe so. All I know is I'm done shooting people! [his gun goes off and grazes Kevin on his left shoulder, causing it to bleed]
Kevin: Augh!
Barbrady: Oh sorry. Jeez. [Jimmy and Leslie exit first, then Barbrady follows and closes the door]
Tom: Dammit!
Scene Description: The school cafeteria, lunchtime
Stan: Think about it, you guys. From the moment that PC Principal took over Kyle has been different. Haven't you noticed?
Butters: Yeah.
Stan: He's distracting us, either because he's too afraid or because he- [Kyle arrives with his lunch and sits next to him. Butters is stunned that Kyle showed up]
Kyle: Well what are you guys talking about?
Butters: Nothin'.
Cartman: Stan's calling you a traitor.
Kyle: What?!
Stan: Kyle, I think it's pretty obvious you don't want us investigating PC Principal.
Kyle: And why do you think that, Stan?!
Stan: I don't know.
Kyle: Because if anyone has a reason for us not mess with PC Principal, it's you! Let's not forget that Stan's dad is PC Principal's little bitch!
Butters: Wuh huh, that's a good point.
Cartman: I am loving this right now.
Stan: My dad's stupid, not a bitch! This is about you being scared, Kyle!
Kyle: It is you, isn't it?! That's why you're trying to shift the blame on me. That's very Cartman of you, Stan!
Cartman: Hoh that's low. [smiles]
Stan: Don't you dare call me a Cartman!
Kyle: N-ho, that's good! Just keep on distracting everybody! It seems to be working, Cartman!
Stan: Fuck you, Kyle! [delivers a left hook and Kyle falls off the lunch bench]
Cartman: Fight! [the kids gather round to watch. Half of them are cheering them on, the other half stay quiet. Nathan stops by to see what's going on.]
Scene Description: The PC Delta house, night. A lone jogger runs by it, only to be mowed down by Caitlyn and her passengers, who all get out of the car and walk towards the house
Garrison: Time to take this asshole down!
Randy: [gets in front of the group] Whoa whoa whoa, guys, whoa! We can't just go walking in there.
Garrison: Why not?
Randy: This is a safe space. We're not allowed past this. When you breach a college safe space, you're crossing the most sacred human boundary there is.
Caitlyn: J'hoh, give me a break.
Randy: Nonononono, look, this is very real, and very important in PC culture. Every human has a right to a safe space and it cannot be entered.
Garrison: [determined] I can. Watch. [lifts up the PC tape and walks under and on to the house]
Randy: Wow, how did you-? [Principal Victoria and Caitlyn Jenner do the same] Whoa.
Scene Description: The school newsroom, day. Nathan is at the computer typing away very slowly. The camera moves enough to reveal Jimmy and Leslie at the door
Jimmy: Burning the midnight oil, huh Nathan?
Nathan: Jimmy.
Jimmy: You sonofabitch. What have you done to the Super School News?
Nathan: I was just holding down the fort while you were away, Jim.
Jimmy: Writing headlines sponsored by PC Principal and the ads? How much did they pay you?!
Nathan: Please, Jimmy, I'm just trying to survive here.
Jimmy: Everyone's gonna know the truth, Nathan. We're getting a new edition of the school paper out by morning. Everyone's gonna know all about the ads. [Leslie punches him and he goes flying into a bookcase. She walks over and punches him five more times, then turns around and walks off to close the door. She returns and throws him up in the air. He hits the ceiling and falls to the floor. Leslie walks past Nathan, who laughs at Jimmy's misfortune]
Leslie: Deal with him. [gets on the computer and starts searching]
Jimmy: Leslie... I thought we were b-b-b-besties.
Nathan: Hey there, big man. Editor of the school paper, huh? You still don't even know half the story.
Scene Description: PC Delta, later. Caitlyn is moving around like a detective through the lobby
Caitlyn: It's clear.
Garrison: Where is everybody? I thought the news said they're on a hunger strike.
Randy: It doesn't make sense. Someone's always here.
Victoria: Take a look at this! [the other three adults walk over to see what she's seeing - the same State Farm ad of PC Principal and Leslie as before]
Garrison: What the hell?
Victoria: It looks like he was researching this. You see this news story?
Garrison: If this is true, then... PC Principal's trying to help.
Randy: Click on that. What is that?
Garrison: No, click out of that. What is this?
Scene Description: Foot Vault. Caitlyn, Randy, Principal Victoria, and Mr. Garrison are trying on new shoes, like Stan and friends did before, and enjoying themselves
Garrison: So, so then, so then Caitlyn says "Look bitch, you're married to Bill Clinton. If anyone should be afraid of AIDS, it's you."
Caitlyn: That stupid bitch had it coming. [they all laugh]
Garrison: Oh God, I love you, Cait. We're so gong to win the primaries. [they all laugh]
Randy: Whoa, whoawhoawhoa wait wait wait. What, what were we doing again?
Scene Description: Kyle's house, evening. The doorbell rings and Kyle goes to answer it. Leslie is outside, shivering
Kyle: Leslie.
Leslie: You're trying to find out what's going on, right? But your friend is standing in your way?
Kyle: How do you know thi-?
Leslie: I can show you what's going on, Kyle. But you have to trust me. [holds out her hand] What's the last four digits of your Sosh?
Kyle: 2692 [They shake hands, and he leaves the house with her]


Scene Description: The outskirts of Moscow, day. A silhouetted figure is walking away from the city, tightly wrapped to protect against the icy wind and snow. He's dressed for a winter hike. He finds a bar and opens the door, and a bunch of angry Russian faces look back at him. The bar is dimly lit. The figure goes inside and closes the door. He loosens his scarf and lowers his hood. It's PC Principal.
PC Principal: Alright everyone, listen up. I don't know about you, but I for one am sick and tired of hate speech that serves to marginalize others.
Russian 1: [balding, with facial stubble] Is it him?
Russian 2: [with mustache] Yes, it's him. PC Principal.
PC Principal: [walks up to the bar and puts his pickaxe aside, and drinks the glass of water waiting for him] You know, if there's one thing that makes me sick, it's when a race thinks they're superior and don't know how to check their privilege. [a Russian walks up to him and lays a hand on his shoulder. PC Principal responds with a right hook. A second Russian attacks, and PC Principal responds with a knee to the chest and slams him onto a table, which shatters under him. PC Principal then stands over him and stomps on his face, shattering his head to pieces. A third Russian lunges at him with a knife, but he kicks that Russian in the face, then delivers a head butt and snaps his neck in half. The remaining Russians back away. A fourth Russian attacks him, but he breaks that Russian's arm and punches him away. A fifth one attacks, and he punches him away. A sixth one attacks with a cue stick, but PC Principal snaps the stick in two and jabs the thick end into the Russian's right eye. A seventh one takes a shot at him, but he takes the gun and jabs the ax into the Russian's head. An eighth Russian walks up to him, but throws his hands up when PC Principal aims the gun at him.]
Russian 3: I'm not one of them! I'm not one of them!
PC Principal: An African-American flips a turtle over on its back. A transgender Filipino comes and sees the helpless turtle baking in the sun. What color is the Filipino's father? [The Russian doesn't know how to answer] I didn't think you were human. [the Russian lunges at him, but he fires off four shots through the Russian's head and kicks him in the face. He then notices his axe and pulls it out of the seventh Russian's head. He turns around and walks out of the bar.]
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The kids mill around in the hallway. Bebe goes to her open locker, Wendy walks her way, Craig and Tweek walk by holding hands.
Butters: [still in his halo, talking to Charlotte on his iPhone] Yeah, everybody's pretty freaked out over here, baby. Everyone is on edge and feelin' really nervous.
Charlotte: That sounds terrible. Be careful, Butters.
Butters: I will, honey.
Kyle: Butters. [Butters' smile vanishes] Get to the bathroom. Now. [Butters is a bit alarmed]
Scene Description: The boys' restroom, later. Kyle is inside and locks the door. He turns to see the other four boys - Stan, Cartman, Butters, and Kenny
Stan: Alright Kyle, what's this about?
Kyle: Jimmy's dead.
Cartman: What?
Kyle: I know the whole story. PC Principal killed him, and tried to kill Leslie, but she got away.
Kenny: (Are you fuckin' serious, dude?)
Kyle: PC Principal is part of a huge network of radicals who kill everyone who doesn't follow their PC ideology.
Stan: How do you know all this?
Kyle: Because Leslie's with me. I'm keeping her safe.
Butters: Heh, [sing-song] Kyle's got a girlfriend?
Kyle: It gets worse. Someone in this town helped these people come here. That person faked the Bill Cosby joke to get Principal Victoria fired.
Cartman: Who would use a Cosby joke to push their own agenda?
Kyle: I think it's obvious. Stan's dad.
Stan: Kyle!
Kyle: Stan, your dad is one of them. He had to be the one to let them in.
Stan: [gets in his face] You're letting paranoia and suspicion get the better of you! [walks past him, opens the doors, and walks out]
Kyle: There's no way to know who we can trust.
Cartman: So what do we do now?
Kyle: There's only one thing we can do. [turns around] We have to get guns.
Butters: Guns?
Kyle: It's the only way for us to be safe.
Cartman: Kyle, even if we thought it would help protect us, how are we all gonna get our hands on guns?
Scene Description: The neighborhood park, day. The boys are on the basketball court checking out their new guns.
Cartman: Alright, cool, we got guns. So now what?
Kenny: (Now we need to steal a car and escape.)
Butters: I already feel a lot safer.
Kyle: You guys lay low and watch your backs. I'm gonna go keep Leslie protected.
Cartman: Hey! Don't fall too hard, partner. [Kyle smiles and walks off. Cartman poses with his gun] Do I look sweet, Butters?
Butters: [giggles] Yeah.
Scene Description: The Marsh house, dinner. The whole family is present, eating chicken, mashed potatoes, carrots, and garlic bread. Stan looks up at Randy, then gets angry. Randy notices and looks back, then gets in his face
Randy: What?
Stan: What?
Sharon: Can you pass the garlic bread, Randy?
Randy: Why wouldn't I be able to pass the garlic bread? [picks up the bowl and offers it to her. She takes some bread from it, and he sets it back where it was.]
Stan: Dad, where were you last night?
Randy: What, wait. Where was I what? Out, with friends, doing things. [wipes his face clean] Well I'm full. I'm gonna go work in the garage for a little bit. [leaves the table]
Stan: Work on what?
Randy: On stuff to do, things. [reaches back and takes some more food.] Um, oh I'm gonna take some of this with me. I'm still hungry.
Sharon: I thought you just said you were full.
Randy: Jee-sus! What? Am I on trial or something? God-damn! [takes the bowl of garlic bread] You guys are really acting strange. [his mouth remains a bit open as he walks away keeping an eye on the family]
Scene Description: The garage, moments later. Randy enters it and closes the door behind him. Mr. Garrison, Principal Victoria, and Caitlyn Jenner wait for him at the workbench.
Randy: Alright, we're good. Nobody suspects a thing. [sets the food on the bench, next to a laptop they're looking at]''
Mr. Garrison: Take a look at this.
Principal Victoria: We've got everything from PC Principal's hard drive. He was on to the gentrification around the world, and he was convinced that whatever was responsible... wasn't... human.
Randy: Not human? Then what?
Mr. Garrison: I don't care if they're aliens or vampires, we need to round them up fast and fuck them till they're dead.
Caitlyn: You don't wanna fuck a vampire, you'll get hepatitis.
Mr. Garrison: Oh girlfriend, I'm well beyond that. [Caitlyn giggles]
Randy: Oh my God. Don't you see what this means? If something not human is gentrifying the entire world, soon no human will be ale to afford it. They're trying to price our species out of existence.
Scene Description: ShiTpaTown, day. There are lofts there now, just as in SoDoSoPa, and the camera zooms in on one in particular... Nathan and Jimmy are seated around a coffee table in the loft
Nathan: Well? How do you like my new apartment?
Jimmy: What happened to you, Nathan? I always thought you were a nice kid. Now you've got a gun?
Nathan: Huh. Everyone's gettin' one of these now, Jim. Nobody knows whom to trust.
Jimmy: Yeah? Well guns are never the answer.
Nathan: Don't you kinda wish you'd had one back when Leslie betrayed you and nearly beat you to death?
Jimmy: Oh. I guess it would have been a decent answer then. Tou-t-t-t.. touché.
Nathan: You see, I've got expensive tastes, Jimmy. I like good food. [leaves his chair and walks around] Organic pressed juices. And I've got a thing for high-class prostitutes. [stands next to a black woman who's buffing her nails with an emery board.] Have you been introduced to my current girlfriend?
Classi: My name is Classi, with an I, and a little dick hanging off the C that bends around and fucks the L out of the A S S.
Jimmy: Nice to meet you, Classi.
Nathan: All I had to do was work for the ads and I got everything I wanted. My own loft, with all of ShiTpaTown right at my doorstep. All it took was some PC and the whole thing was set in motion.
Jimmy: Oh great. So now ads are using PC for their own gain? That's a new low.
Nathan: What is PC but a verbal form of gentrification? Spruce everything up, get rid of all the ugliness in order to create a false sense of paradise. Only one thing can actually live in that world. Ads.
Jimmy: I know I've said it before, but man, do I hate ads.
Scene Description: Cartman's house, night. He's in the living room watching a movie and eating chips on the sofa. The lights come on and Liane appears at the foot of the stairs
Liane: Eric Cartman, I told you to get ready for bed!
Cartman: Yeah, I just want finish this movie.
Liane: No, Eric! This is a school night!
Cartman: Mom, I'm into this movie. I'm not going to bed right now. Chillax.
Liane: You most certainly are! Right now, mister!
Cartman: I will go to bed [stands up and aims his gun at her] when this movie is over, Mom!
Liane: Eric, where did you get that?
Cartman: Turn off the light and go back to bed. I'm staying up.
Liane: Eric, you march right up to your room, and you-
Cartman: I don't think so, Mom.
Liane: Eric, you get your butt to bed!
Cartman: No means no, Bill Cosby!
Liane: [draws a gun on him] I told you to go upstairs right now!
Cartman: Whoa, Mom, what the hell?
Liane: I'm not going to tell you again, Eric! It is time... for night-night!
Cartman: Mom, put down the gun.
Liane: [advances on him] I am your mother, and you will do what I tell you!
Cartman: Okay, I am going. [walks around her, keeping his gun trained on her.]
Liane: Well then, you go right now, Mister! [keeps her gun trained on him]
Cartman: I'm going to bed now, Mom. Chillax. [begins to go up the stairs backward.]
Liane: Alright then. No comic books, just straight to sleep! I love you, sweetie.
Cartman: Okay, I love you too, Mom. Night-night. [the sound of a door closing is heard]
Liane: [caresses her pistol] Wow, he... he listened. [puts it into her robe pocket and walks towards the kitchen]
Scene Description: Randy's garage. day. He's in there with Victoria, Garrison, and Caitlyn
Randy: There has to be something. Some clue as to what we're dealing with.
Principal Victoria: The news stories PC Principal researched are all so contradictory, as if whatever these things are have control over the news somehow.
Randy: That sounds like vampires to me.
Principal Victoria: We have to find out who had me fired with the Cosby joke. It's the key to knowing what we're dealing with.
Stan: Principal Victoria? [the adults take notice] Mr. Garrison? Caitlyn Jenner?
Randy: Stan, what the hell are you doing in here?
Stan: Tell me what's going on, Dad?
Randy: Nothing. We're just hanging out, talking about Coldplay, alright?
Stan: [pulls out his gun and aims it at the adults. The adults hold their hands up] No! I wanna know what the hell is going on right now!
Randy: What are you doing with that?
Stan: Kyle said I couldn't trust you! What are you planning, Dad?
Randy: Stan, it isn't what you think.
Stan: Then what is it?!
Randy: Look, I need to show you something, okay? You need to see this, son. [slowly reaches into his back pocket as Stan watches intensely, whips out his gun and aims it at Stan] Ohh! Psych! Now put the fucking gun down, bitch!
Stan: I'm gonna go tell Mom!
Randy: Oh yeah? You go tell her! I'll tell her you had a gun! You'll be in more trouble than me! [Stan looks to the door, then at Randy] Stan! I am your dad. Put the gun down and sit over there.
Stan: [runs out of the garage] Mom!
Randy: Shit! [runs after him]
Scene Description: An aircraft carrier at sea. A helicopter drops down onto it and three sailors arrive to greet it. Other sailors stand nearby. The helicopter door opens and PC Principal, in handcuffs, is escorted out by two soldiers.
Weathers: Took a lot to hunt you down, PC Principal. You mind tellin' me why you're goin' around the world shootin' up revitalized arts and foods districts?
PC Principal: You wouldn't believe me if I told you.
Weathers: Try me!
PC Principal: [faces him] I don't know what they are, but they used me and others like me to try and change this planet.
Weathers: You don't know what "who" are?
Johnson: Sir! The President is on the phone. He wants to talk to you about PC Principal. [PC Principal looks at him as Weathers gets the phone]
Weathers: Yes, Mr. President? I see, sir. Yes, I understand. [lowers the phone and relays the President's orders] We're to release him immediately, no questions asked. And we're not supposed to believe anything he tells us. [the helicopter soldiers come and take the cuffs off him]
PC Principal: Huh, ain't that a peach?
Weathers: He's being set free now, Mr. President. Can I tell the commander why?
Leslie: [in President Obama's voice] This is a matter of national security. [the camera pulls back to show that she's at the Park Motel]
Weathers: I understand, sir.
Leslie: Thank you. God bless you.
Weathers: God bless you too, sir.
Leslie: May God bless the United States of America. [hangs up and puts her phone away, then leaves the bathroom. Kyle is waiting outside]
Kyle: Are you okay?
Leslie: Yeah, just feeling butterflies. And my hands are freezing!
Kyle: Here. [holds her hands to warm them up]
Leslie: Thank you, Kyle. [smiles]
Kyle: Don't worry, Leslie. I won't let anything happen to you. [smiles back and blinks]
Scene Description: The Marsh house. day. He has his gun drawn. Behind him are the living room, Victoria, Garrison, and Caitlyn.
Randy: I'm warning you: you're on the wrong side of this! We're just trying to get answers!
Sharon: [has a gun drawn on Randy] You pulled a gun on our son, Randy!
Randy: He pulled one on me first, Sharon!
Stan: Because you wouldn't talk to me, Dad!
Randy: [aims his gun at Stan] Stanley, let your mother and I deal with this!
Sharon: I told you to leave him alone!
Shelly: God I hate this family! [pulls out her own gun and aims it at Sharon] Why are you always taking Stan's side?!
Randy: [shifts his aim from Stan to Shelly] Whoa! Whoa, Shelly! Put down the gun, Shelly!
Shelly: You're always acting like Stan can't do anything wrong!
Stan: [shifts his aim from Randy to Shelly] She doesn't always take my side!
Shelly: [turns and aims at Stan] You shut up or I swear to God I'll use this!
Randy: Shelly, put it down, now!
Shelly: [shifts her aim to Randy] You don't even try to know me, Dad!
Randy: I want to, Shelly! I just sometimes feel like you hate me!
Sharon: I feel like you hate me, Randy!
Randy: [shifts his aim from Shelly to Sharon] I don't hate you, I love you! I need to be a better husband, [aims at Stan, who aims back] a better father! [shifts his aim to Shelly]
Stan: We all need to be better to each other! [Shelly shifts her aim to Stan, then to Randy, and then to Sharon]
Shelly: Okay, maybe I need to stop being so angry!
Randy: [lowers his gun] I love you guys. [Sharon lowers her gun]
Stan: [lowers his gun] We love you too, Dad. [Shelly lowers hers] We just wanna know what's going on with you.
Randy: Alright. I'll tell you everything. [caresses his gun] Wow, these things are amazing. [all the while Grandpa Marvin just ate. He didn't pull out a gun, and none was pulled on him.]
Scene Description: Jimbo's Guns, day. He's getting a lot of customers. Thomas and Laura Tucker enter. Inside are the Stotch, the Stevens, the Testaburger, and the Rodriguez parents. Clyde is there with his dad. Jimbo is behind the main counter, Ned is behind a side counter. An elderly woman approaches Jimbo
Jimbo: Alright, Mrs. Farnicle, enjoy, and remember: if the safety's on, you're good as gone. [Mrs. Farnicle leaves with her purchase] Okay, and next customer, please. [Officer Barrady, in civilian clothes, steps up with his purchase] Hah, going for the big one, huh? You must be feeling extra jumpy.
Officer Barbrady: You don't know the half of it.
Jimbo: [prepares the shotgun for him] Well, this thing should make you feel more at ease. You know, you ought-ta check out the gun show.
Officer Barbrady: The gun show?
Jimbo: [pulls up a sign and shows it to him] Yeah, it's gonna have everything! And with guns bein' so popular, practically everyone in town is gonna be in attendance!
Officer Barbrady: The entire town in one location? [this spooks him] Oh my God!
Scene Description: A Park Motel bathroom. Leslie is inside on the phone
Leslie: The principal has become our biggest problem. We need a news headline that will draw him back to town.
Nathan: [in his loft, away from Jimmy] Oh, you're gonna sponsor my content some more, baby? I'm all ears.
Scene Description: The Lofts at ShiTpaTown. While Nathan talks to Leslie on the phone, Jimmy chats up Classi
Jimmy: I've got to get to the Super School News. Hey, Classi, you think you can get me my crutches?
Classi: Mah, I don't think Nathan would like that.
Jimmy: You seem like a reasonable person. Do you really wanna live in a world controlled by ads? I mean, come on, Classi.
Classi: No. It's C-Lasssi, with an I. The little dick that hangs off the C fucks the L out of the ASS. CL-ASSSI.
Jimmy: Sorry, my bad. Look, I'm a news reporter, Claaassi, and in a world where ads control the news, there's no way to be sure anyone is ever hearing the truth.
Classi: Truth about what?
Scene Description: A Park Motel room. The blinds are drawn and Kyle peeks through the slats
Leslie: We can't just hide, Kyle. We have to let people know PC is the enemy before it's too late.
Kyle: Leslie, we don't know who is on their side. We have to stay safe.
Leslie: The principal is going to try and make up some crazy story. That's what PC people do. You have to get in front of everyone and tell them what you've learned.
Kyle: I... [turns aside and walks off] gave up giving speeches.
Leslie: But why? I came to you because I had heard how good you were at getting messages across. That and because... [smiles] I thought you were cute.
Kyle: I'm sure I'd have no problem giving a speech if you could be by my side.
Leslie: Well... I can't go with you, you know. It's too dangerous.
Kyle: Not if we go somewhere that's completely safe from any violence.
Leslie: Where?
Kyle: The gun show.
Leslie: Gun show?
Kyle: There'll be so many guns that nothing bad can happen.
Scene Description: The Marsh house. Randy has brought the laptop to the table. Victoria, Garrison, and Caitlyn join him around the dining room table as Shelly and Grandpa eat, and all their guns are on the table
Sharon: Someone purposely had Principal Victoria replaced with a new principal?
Randy: Yes. They wanted to use his PC as a means to start gentrification in our town.
Mr. Garrison: That'w why we thought PC Principal was behind it. But now we know they were just using his PC abilities to service their own needs.
Randy: When the pussy-crusher story came out in Super School News, it started to make PC Principal question himself. He started digging for answers. They didn't like that, so they tried to distract and mislead him. With this. [the distractions begin] Sorry, that's an ad for McDonald's, hold on. With... this. Oh. N, oh, there's that ad again. God these things are annoying. Anyways, whatever these beings are, they try to keep anyone from knowing the truth from [another pop-up ad] Ugh, I don't wanna see a slideshow. PC Principal said something was trying to divert and distract his subconscious mind with this. [The US-Thailand article comes up, with the accompanying State Farm ad. Stan gets a good look at it]
Stan: Wait... That's Leslie. [walks away from the table] Oh my God... It's Kyle.
Mr. Garrison: Kyle?
Stan: Kyle has been protecting Leslie. They're together. He's been making everyone feel paranoid and saying you're the enemy, Dad.
Randy: [rises from his chair] Well then, it's time to go ask Kyle why he sold out his own kind.
Principal Victoria: How will we get him to talk?
Randy: We're going to kill him with kindness. But instead of kindness we're going to use guns.
Mr. Garrison: Yeah!
Stan: Yeah!
Randy: Come on, let's go! [everyone grabs a gun and heads out the front door. Randy looks at Shelly] Shelly, you take care of Grandpa!
Shelly: Oooo-kay! [aims her gun at Marvin's head and Randy realizes what she's doing]
Randy: Nonono, don't shoot Grandpa, just literally take care of him. [follows the others outside and hops into Caitlin's car with them.]
Caitlyn Jenner: Buckle up, buckaroos! [starts the car, backs out of the driveway, and runs over an elderly woman and her dog. The dog is unscathed, but the woman is dead and mangled up]
Scene Description: The Lofts at ShiTpaTown. Nathan walks up to Jimmy and hands him a copy of the school paper for tomorrow
Nathan: Here it is, Jimmy. Hot off the presses.
Jimmy: What is that?
Nathan: The newest edition of Super School News, hitting the streets tomorrow.
Jimmy: Tragedy at gun show? What happened at the gun show?
Nathan: Not what happened, what's going to happen. The final sweeping underneath the rug. By this time tomorrow nobody will be asking questions ever again. The ads will have won. And I will be... The man.
Classi: I think the ads are playin' yo' ass.
Nathan: [slaps her across the face] Shut up Classiii!
Classi: Oh heeelllllll no!
Nathan: What?
Classi: Oh hell no! Yo' Down's Symdrome ass just slapped me! I'mo break your dick off! [picks him up and slams him into the glass wall that doubles as a window]
Nathan: Hang on, Classi, I'm sorry.
Classi: [punches him] I will bust yo' fuckin' ass! [punches him] I will bust yo' fuckin' nose. I ain't no Mimsy, asshole! [punches him] I'm a classy bitch! [punches him] And I do not! [punches him] Want ads! [punches him] Controllin' my news! [punches him. He groans as she lets him drop to the floor and walks away. She brings Jimmy's crutches to Jimmy]
Jimmy: Classi! Thank you.
Classi: You need my help? You got it!
Jimmy: I need your phone to call Officer Barbrady. And we have to get to that gun show, fast!
Classi: Quick! To the Classi mobile! [they leave the loft and hop into her car, and finally drive away]
Scene Description: The South Park Gun Show. The show's sign and trophy are shown onscreen.
Announcer: Welcome back to the South Park Gun Show. We've had over 2000 gorgeous guns come through this arena today. It's been whittled down to seven, the winners from each group. David, take us down theh line. [the seven are: Stephen Stotch, Fr. Maxi, Mayor McDaniels, Jimbo Kern, Linda Black, Ryan Valmer, and Richard Adler]
David: First we have the beautiful Yorkshire 33mm with proud owner Stephen Stotch.
Announcer: An absolutely gorgeous gun, David.
David: The playful and lovely Australian semiautomatic owned by Father Maxi.
Announcer: And there's the Mayor with her delightful Rhodesian ridgeback shotgun-rifle mix.
David: That's a favorite of the crow here. Always a favorite at these shows.
Cartman: That's a nice gun right there.
David: The judge now asking to see that Yorkshire 33mm up close.
Announcer: And there it is, just a beautiful gun in motion. Everybody loves it. [Stephen starts to prance aroundn with it, then returns to his mark. The crowd applauds its approval.] Looks like the judge wants to take another look at that shotgun-rifle mix. [The Mayor takes out a clicker and prances around with her shotgun-rifle mix. She returns to her mark and Jimbo takes his turn]
David: And next up will be the-
Randy: Nobody move! [enters the arena with Garrison, Victoria, Caitlyn, Sharon, and Stan]
Mr. Garrison: Everyone just stay where you are!
Announcer: And it looks like the gun show is under attack, David. [everyone in attendance gets their guns and arms them.]
David: Yes, six armed gunmen have entered the arena, one of which is carrying an absolutely gorgeous little Pekingese Glock 17.
Randy: Listen to me, everyone! There are beings who are purposely gentrifying the Earth so that humans can no longer afford it! We've been looking for Kyle Broflovski! Somebody's hiding him! [the spectators begin pointing guns at each other]
Kyle: [enters the arena at the far end with Leslie] Don't listen to them! The real conspiracy here are the PC extremists who have no problem killing whoever doesn't think like they do! [faces Stan] You son of a bitch Stan! How could you have sided with the enemy?!
Stan: Fuck you, Kyle! You're the enemy!
Jimmy: [enters the arena at the near end] You both got it wrong. [he's with Classi and Barbrady]
Kyle: Jimmy?
Mr. Garrison: Officer Barbrady?
Randy: Classi?
Sharon: [aims her gun at Randy] Randy??
Jimmy: Kyle, I know you probably thought Leslie was a kind, caring girl. But the truth is she's just an ad.
Randy: An ad?
Officer Barbrady: They've become sentient, They've taken human form. You can't tell what's human and what's an ad anymore.
Mr. Garrison: Oh, Jeez, are you serious?! How am I supposed to fuck an ad to death?!
Randy: Woah, flippin' ads! They're such a pain in the ass!
Kyle: You told me Jimmy was dead.
Stan: So now we know who got Principal Victoria fired!
Mr. Mackey: [looks around, then jumps out of his seat] Nobody move! Okay?! Everyone just stay where you are!
Randy: Mackey?
Mr. Mackey: Yes, I wanted Principal Victoria fired! But I didn't want any of this!
Principal Victoria: You got me fired?! Why?!
Mr. Mackey: Eighteen years of answerin' to you! EIGHTEEN YEARS! Of you always... tellin' me what to do!
Principal Victoria: If you had problems with me, why didn't you just talk to me?
Mr. Mackey: You never listen!! Nobody listens to me! They just expect me to listen to them!
Gerald: Maybe we should have realized that sometimes the counselor needs counseling.
Mr. Mackey: I don't know, maybe I got manipulated by these ads too somehow but, I should have been a better person!
Randy: We all could be better people! All of us! We all played a part!
Stephen: Maybe from now on people in this town need to communicate more! Care about each other!
Mr. Garrison: If we're gonna defeat our enemies, that's what it's gonna take! All of us, together! [with all the speeches done, they lower their weapons]
Randy: If only we'd had these before, huh?
Leslie: [now isolated] Every time you block us, we get smarter. Every time you try to stop us, we are more. If one plan fails, we will plan another. You will never be rid of ads!
PC Principal: HEY LESLIE! [she look to her left] Your species took PC and twisted it for evil purposes. [he runs towards her and drops the mic] THAT PISSES ME OFF! [he reaches her and delivers a right hook, then a left one, then does this again. He picks her up like a rag doll and holds her by the neck] You're expelled. [he delivers a final blow that goes clear through her head, but instead of blood, a day-glow blue liquid oozes out of it]
Cartman: Yes, dude!
Randy: Well, I guess there's just one last thing to take care of.
Scene Description: ShiTpaTown, day. The town has gathered in front of Whole Foods.
Randy: Why did it have to be like this?! Why couldn't we try to live on this planet together?! Maybe we're not perfect beings, but we built a better town. We didn't need you to do that! And we'll keep on trying to make it better!
Sharon: Randy, you're yelling at a Whole Foods.
Randy: Go on, get outta here! We know! Others will know! [holds up the latest edition of the Super School News, which has Leslie on the front page under the headline "YOUR FRIEND MIGHT BE AN AD"] It isn't going to be so easy! Not anymore! [the ground begins to rumble underfoot and the sidewalk begins to crack open. The Whole Foods lifts off like a flying saucer, turns around, and flies away]
Scene Description: A flag blows on a pole, presumably outside of the school.
PC Principal: Alright everyone, listen up. I don't know about you, but I for one am sick and tired of all the hate speech and micro-aggressions against our species. [a series of popup ads floats by] We have a new enemy out there. An almost invisible foe that is so bigoted, so racially biased they actually think we should all die. [a boy is shown at his computer at home, watching as ads fill his monitor] They are trying to attract our youth using tactics that are underhanded and unfair. [PC Principal is shown holding a school assembly as he had in earlier episodes] But no matter how hard they hit us, we cannot let them take from us our PC. And so I have been asked to stay on as your principal. A lot of changes will happen in the coming months. [Caitlyn puts a Garrison/Jenner pin on Mr. Garrison's lapel and straightens his tie. Then they bump fists and Garrison goes onstage] The bottom line is that the only thing that distinguishes those who want to kill us from those who don't is that we have the burning desire for social justice. We are at war, but the only way to win this war is to be as understanding, non-biased, and politically correct as possible.
Stan: This is going to be really hard.