Scene Description: Stan's house, day. In the living room, Stan and Kyle stand before the TV with guitar controllers in their hands. Nine boys from class watch them from the sofa and the floor. A game starts up. Stan and Kyle immediately begin to play and the other boys begin to cheer them on. The song playing is "Wayward Son"
Cartman: Stan, you guys are good! [Stan and Kyle more their right arms around during a power chord, then quickly return to playing. The score is 15,594 points and climbs quickly. Randy watches from the kitchen doorway]
Scene Description: The kitchen. Sharon is washing dishes. Randy turns and walks towards her.
Randy: [sounding tired] Sharon, what are the boys doing?
Sharon: Oh, Stan and Kyle bought a new video game together.
Randy: They can play guitar now?
Sharon: No, no, they're just little plastic controllers. You hit the colored buttons and it makes the guitar track on the game play.
Randy: Ohhh.
Sharon: If they spent half the time learning a real instrument as they do playing that game, who knows what they could accomplish.
Randy: Hey yeah...
Scene Description: The living room. The round ends and the boys cheer.
Stan: Dude, listen to that video crowd! They love us! [a shot of the cheering CG crowd on the TV]
Randy: [walks up to Stan] So you boys like this music, huh?
Kyle: Yeah, dude. Its Guitar Hero.
Butters: Stan and Kyle are really good at it.
Randy: <ï>Well you kids wanna see something really cool? [the boys pay attention] Check this out. [walks away and picks up an electric guitar, and plugs in the amplifier. He puts his right foot on top of the amplifier and begins to play "Wayward Son" a half-step up.] Once, I rose above the noise and confusion Just to get a glimpse beyond this illusion. I was soaring ever higher But I flew too high. Though my eyes could see I- </ï>
Stan: [irritated, interrupting] Dad? Dad! What are you doing?!
Randy: [brightly] I can actually play a lot of these songs on a real guitar. You want me to teach you boys how?
Cartman: Uhh, that's gay, Mr. Marsh.
Stan: Yeah, that's stupid, Dad.
Randy: But... But this is real.
Cartman: Real guitars are for old people.
Craig: Do you mind, sir? We wanna watch Stan and Kyle play. [Randy stands there a few seconds, disappointed that the boys aren't interested. He takes off the guitar, leans it against the amplifier, and walks away.]
Stan: [turns back to the TV] Alright, let's try to score 60,000 points this time. [the game starts up with a new song, and the boys behind them begin to cheer again]
Scene Description: Stan's house, night. Once everyone's asleep, Randy sneaks downstairs towards the couch. He looks around to make sure no one else is awake and waiting for him. He reaches the couch and picks up a controller, playing it a bit to start the game.
M.C.: Are you ready to rock? ["Wayward Son" begins to play from the top, and Randy begins to move, slowly raising his right hand into a victory sign, then swinging his arm all the way around a few times]
Kansas: <ï> "Carry on my wayward son There'll be peace when you are done Lay your weary head to rest Don't you cry no more" [the first guitar solo follows and Randy is playing terribly. The video crowd begins to boo him.]</ï>
M.C.: Game over! You suck! [the words are displayed onscreen. Randy takes off the controller, sets it on the ground, and walks back to bed, leaving the TV on with the video crowd still booing him.]
Scene Description: Stan's house, next day. The boys are back at Stan's house watching another round of Guitar Hero. "Wayward Son" gives way to another song.
Butters: They're gonna do it!
Cartman: [so relaxed his fat blocks his chin from view] Come on, guys, a hundred thousand points!
Kyle: Cartman, shut up. We're concentrating. [the points pile up and they near 100,000. After a final flourish, their readouts combine into one, showing 100,000 points. The boys congratulate Stan and Kyle]
M.C: You have broken a hundred thousand points! You. Are. Rock stars!
Stan: Dude, we are total rock stars now!
Randy: [walks in with beer and slurred speech] You're not rock stars! This is just a stupid plastic controller! [the doorbell rings]
Stan: [takes off his controller and goes to answer the door] Hang on.
Man: Stan Marsh?
Stan: Yeah?
Man: I'm Charles Kincade, from the Kincade Talent Agency? I just heard you broke a hundred thousand points on Guitar Hero.
Stan: Yeah, we did. [smiles]
Mr. Kincade: Well i'm impressed. [steps inside and gives him a business card] And I'd like to be your manager.
Stan: Wow, really?? [smiles an open smile] Dude! Dude, Kyle, this guy wants to be our manager!
Randy: No way!
Kyle: For reals? [smiles]
Mr. Kincade: Scoring a hundred thousand points is amazing, but I think with the right label behind you, you guys could make a million points.
Stan: That'd be awesome!
Mr. Kincade: So, we're in business then? [Stan and Kyle look at each other, then grin as "Wayward Son" plays]
Scene Description: A producer's office, day. Mr. Kincade is snapping his fngers to "Wayward Son" as a producer listens. Stan and Kyle watch him, then Stan looks at Kyle. Kyle grimaces.
Mr. Kincade: Well, what do you think?
Producer: I like it. That's these boys playing?
Mr. Kincade: [stops the tape] No, that's Kansas. But these boys scored a hundred thousand points to it on Expert Level in Co-op Mode.
Producer: That's pretty Goddamned impressive. [rises and serves himself a drink] Alright, we'll sign them to a one-year deal. [Stan and Kyle smile to this news as Mr. Kincaid stands behind them]
Mr. Kincade: [pumps his fist] Yes! You did it, boys.
Producer: Listen, boys, I'm having a huge celebrity party at my giant mansion tonight. Why don't you come by as my honorary new artists?
Stan, Kyle: Cool! [smile openly]
Scene Description: The producer's mansion, night. Limos pull into the circular driveway in front of the mansion, drop off guests, and pull away. Inside is a large crowd of local celebrities. In the pool, two topless women splash each other with water and giggle. One blond celebrity is snorting a mountain of coke
Stan: Wow, this is a huge party.
Producer: Oh yes, all the biggest stars in Colorado are here.
Stan: Dude, dude, that's Ron Zappolo from Channel 4 News! [Ron Zappolo is shown - an elderly gent with gray hair and mustache]
Kyle: Wow! Oh, and look over there, that's that Jake Jabs guy from American Furniture Warehouse commercials. [Jabs is shown with a white tiger on his lap and two women around him]
Producer: Everyone? Everyone, this is Stan and Kyle. They just broke a hundred thousand points on Guitar Hero. [ooo's and applause follow. Stan and Kyle grin] Please enjoy yourselves, there's lots more coke and sex in the house.
Stan: Dude! Dude, that's Jay Cutler over there! [a football player wearing #6 is shown] Quarterback for the Denver Broncos!
Kyle: Oh my God!
Producer: Would you boys like to meet him?
Stan: Are you serious??
Producer: Jay, I want you to meet Stan and Kyle. They broke a hundred thousand points on Guitar Hero.
Jay: Wow, really? Nice to meet you guys.
Stan: Nice to meet you! [grins] I mean, you kind of suck, but my dad says you might be good someday.
Jay: [a bit bothered] Thanks...
Guest: Alex, have you seen my wife anywhere?
Producer: You boys know Tom Shane from the Shane Company Diamond Store commercials?
Kyle: Do we? He's a legend!
Producer: You remember these boys, Tom. They're gonna break a million points live at the video arcade in a few weeks.
Tom Shane: That, would be impressive.
Kyle: [takes Stan aside] Dude, we've arrived. We're super, awesome, and cool.
Stan: Yeah. Life is finally going to not suck so hard for us.
Scene Description: Stan's house, day. Mr. Kincade rocks out on the couch watching Stan and Kyle play Guitar Hero. The boys hit 152,626 points
M.C.: You Rock!
Mr. Kincade: [clapping] All right, nice rehearsal, boys.
Kyle: D-ude, I totally miffed that middle part. Did you see that?
Stan: Yeah dude, that's almost impossible.
Mr. Kincade: That was real cool, kids. Hey, Kyle, there's a different controller in my car that might work better for you. Why don't you go with Jim and he'll help you find it. [an assistant dressed in jogging outfit joins him behind Kyle]
Kyle: Oh, okay. Cool. [takes off his controller and follows Jim out]
Mr. Kincade: [sighs] You've got real potential, kid. I have no doubt you can break a million.
Stan: Really? That'd be sweet.
Mr. Kincade: [turns around and points to Stan] I think you could. But uh, as for your friend, well, to be honest, I think he's holding you back.
Stan: What, you mean, Kyle?
Mr. Kincade: Look, you score a lot higher than him; there's no question who the better one is. I wanna put you with some other players, find a partner for you who can really help you max your score.
Stan: But, Kyle and I always play together. We both chipped in for the game system.
Mr. Kincade: [crosses his arms] Very honorable. But you know where loyalty gets you in a game like Guitar Hero? Nowheres. Just listen to that video crowd. [a shot of the video crowd cheering] I haven't heard a video crowd go that wild in a long time. You've got a chance to score a million points, and I hate to see you throw it away because you're worried about your friend's feelings.
Scene Description: Café Monet, day. Mr. Kincade and Stan are outside at a table sipping coffee.
Mr. Kincade: You're gonna love this kid, Stan. He's one of the best Guitar Hero players I've ever seen. Except for you, of course. [sees someone] Ah, Thad! [a boy about Stan's age approaches the table and takes a seat. He wears a controller on his back] Stan Marsh, this is Thad Jarvis.
Thad: Sup? [an air of superiority is suggested by his tilting his head back]
Mr. Kincade: That here has backed up a lot of really great Guitar Hero players. Isn't that right, Thad? [puffs on a cigar]
Thad: Yup.
Mr. Kincade: He doesn't even need a game system to play on. He can play Guitar Hero acoustically.
Stan: Yeah, but can he play Buckethead on Expert Level?
Mr. Kincade: Go ahead, Thad. Show him what you can do. [Thad stands on his chair, swings his controller around, and puts his right foot on the table.] Check this out. [All that is heard are the clicks of plastic on plastic] Pretty damn good, huh?
Stan: Yeah, that's pretty good. But can you play "John the Fisherman"? [Thad stops and launches into that song]
Mr. Kincade: Stan, with this kid backing you, you're gonna make Guitar Hero history.
Male Diner: Ohoh, I love this song. [the other diners seem to understand the song the clicks are supposed to be making and begin to clap]
Scene Description: Stan's house, later. Guitar Hero starts up and the boys are gathered near the couch watching Stan and... Thad. A song comes on and Stan and Thad begin to play. The boys cheer them on as the score nears 500,000
Butters: Wow wee, look at him go!
Kyle: [enters the house] Hey dude, how's it-? [he has his new controller, but he's dismayed at what he sees. The boys look at him and the game is shut off]
Stan: ...Kyle. ...I, I thought you were sick.
Butters: [into his hands, in a low hoarse voice.] Uh ohhh.
Kyle: [walks up to Stan] Who is this?
Stan: This is um, Thad Jarvis.
Thad: Sup?
Kyle: Ahem, wha? What's going on, Stan?
Stan: Kyle, I was gonna tell you later. Mr. Kincaid thinks I should play with Thad for a while.
Kyle: But it's our game. We bought it together.
Stan: I know, and, and I wanna be fair about it, so, I'll buy you out of your part.
Kyle: Buy me out?! What are you saying?! What makes you so high and mighty you can buy me out?!
Stan: Don't put this all on me, Kyle!
Cartman: Oh my God this is so awesome.
Stan: You were the one that's been blowing off playing after midnight, not playing 'cause you were sick,-
Kyle: I have been sick!
Stan: Look, the point is I'm never gonna break a million points playing with you! You know that's true!
Kyle: [stunned for a few seconds] I guess I didn't realize it was just about the points. [drops his controller next to Stan and walks out of the house, closing the door behind him]
Craig: Dude, this game rules.
Stan: Let's just do this, all right? [a new round begins and Stan and Thad resume playing]
Scene Description: EV Games. Guitar Hero advertising is plastered all over the windows. Stan enters the store. He walks over to the magazine rack and begins browsing
Brett: Hey! You're the kid I sold the Guitar Hero game to. How are you likin' it?
Stan: It's okay, I guess. But I need some game guides for it. My manager and producer set up this live thing at the video arcade where I'm supposed to break a million in front of everybody and I'm I'm stressing out.
Brett: Yeah, Guitar Hero can be pretty stressful. But you know, maybe instead of a game guide, you should just buy another game to kind of ...ease the stress.
Stan: [approaches the counter with a Guitar Hero game guide] Huh?
Brett: Have you ever heard of... [pulls out a different game from under the counter] Heroin Hero?
Stan: Hero-Heroin Hero?
Brett: It's a way easier game. All you do is run around a magical forest and shoot simulated heroin. You could call it the ultimate first-person shooter.
Stan: And there's no score? No crowds?
Brett: [his voice gets soft and mellow as he speaks] No man. All you do is run through the pretty forest and chase a big dragon. But you don't ever catch the dragon. You just... keep chasing it.
Scene Description: Stan's house, day. He's playing Heroin Hero, which just consists of his character shooting heroin into his right arm. Each shot moves him forward a few steps, but he's no closer to the dragon.
The Dragon: Chase me. Come on. This way. Shoot up and then you can catch me. Come on.
Stan: [playing quietly] Dude, this is awesome.
Scene Description: Gamecraft Arcade, day. Stan and Thad are at the arcade version of Guitar Hero; Stan is showing frustration. The song they're playing to is "I Wanna Be Sedated". Mr. Kincaid watches them as the producer approaches
Producer: How are they coming?
Mr. Kincade: No worries, Mr. Hart. They'll be ready for the big show in a few days
Mr. Hart: They'd better be. I paid good money to rent this place out. [walks away. On the game screen, Stan's character is missing his notes and flailing about]
Stan: Ugh. Damint.
Thad: Dude, sup. Did you practice last night?
Stan: [frustrated] Yeah, I practiced last night! Just shut up and play! [misses some more notes] No no, you know what?! Screw this! [the music stops] I'm not playing this song! Why did you pick this stupid song?!
Mr. Kincade: Stan, it's the song we all agreed you would play.
Stan: Yeah? Well I changed my mind! We're changing the song to Cheap Trick!
Thad: No way. I hate that bubblegum crap.
Stan: Yeah? Well you're not the leader, are you, Thad?! We play the music I wanna play!
Mr. Kincade: Stan, why are you so grumpy-grouchy?
Stan: We're playing what I want, and I'll select a different song!
Thad: Yeah? Well how about this one? I quit. [drops his controller] I quit I quit I quit. [turns around and walks away] I quit I quit I quit. I quit. I quit I quit.
Stan: You know what? That's great with me, Thad, 'cause I don't need you to break a million points! I never did!
Mr. Kincade: Stan, what is the matter with you?
Stan: I just wanna play alone, alright?! I can't concentrate with all these assholes riding me all the time! [Mr. Kincaid notices that Stan's tote bag is open and looks inside. He pulls out Heroin Hero]
Mr. Kincade: What is this?
Stan: Man...
Mr. Kincade: Are you playing Heroin Hero?
Stan: Just, just a little.
Mr. Kincade: No! [stands up] Nobody plays Heroin Hero just a little! You know, you never catch the dragon!
Stan: I know, but it mellos me out, okay?!
Mr. Kincade: You'd better pull your act together, because now you're gonna have to break a million points and unlock superstardom solo!
Stan: No problem.
Scene Description: A bowling alley, day. The exterior is a bit run-down, with strips of plastic pulling away from the roof. A sign by the street has "WE HAVE GUITAR HERO" on it, the R falling off. "Every Rose Has Its Thorn" plays. Inside, some people are bowling while others sit at tables being depressed. The camera rests on Kyle playing along on his guitar controller. Two kids walk up to Kyle. The place is called Mick's Lanes
Older Boy: Hey, beat it, kid! We wanna play now!
Kyle: I'm not done yet.
Younger Boy: Hey, I know you. You're Kyle Broflovski. Didn't you used to have your own Guitar Hero game system?
Kyle: No. You're thinking of somebody else.
Younger Boy: Yeah, sure. He's the kid that scored a hundred thousand points.
Older Boy: How come you're playing here now?
Kyle: Look, just go ahead and play, alright? [gets off the stool and walks away] Leave me alone. [walks up to the bar and takes a seat] Can I get a Fresca, please?
Mick: You're good at that game, Kid. Too good to be playing in a dump like this.
Kyle: Yeah well, I can't really afford to play anymore anyway. I'm about out of quarters.
Mick: Well look, maybe I can use some extra music playing to this thing on weekend nights. You come in, work around here a little and... maybe you can play it for free.
Kyle: I appreciate what you're trying to do, Mick, but I ain't a charity case yet.
Mick: Ehhh, charity case eh, I'm just trying to help out a kid who's a little... down on his luck is all.
Kyle: Thanks, Mick.
Scene Description: Heroin Hero, onscreen at Stan's house, day.
The Dragon: Catch me. Come on, catch me. [Stan is passed out on the couch with snacks all around him. Some knocks and the doorbell are heard, but Stan doesn't move] What's wrong? Follow me. Come on. [The door opens and Mr. Kincaid comes in]
Mr. Kincade: Marsh? Stan, you got- [notices Stan passed out] Oh my God! [runs over to him and shakes him hard] Get up, Stan! Wake up!
Stan: Huh? What, uh?
Mr. Kincade: You're going on in ten minutes! Everybody's coming to see you!
Stan: The dragon. Where did it go?
Mr. Kincade: [slaps Stan twice across the face] You've gotta pull it together! [shakes him hard again, then sees a glass of water nearby and throws the water at him, them shakes him hard again] Pull it together, Goddammit!
Scene Description: Gamecraft Arcade, night. The boys are there waiting for Stan to start playing. A couple stands behind them waiting as well.
Mr. Kincade: Thank you for coming to Gamecraft Arcade to watch Stan Marsh break a million points and unlock superstardom. [the boys cheer Stan on.]
Token: Go Stan!
Cartman: All right, Stan, you've got it, man!
Token: Yeah, Stan!
Craig: Dude, what's the matter with him?
Butters: He's been up for three days straight playing Heroin Hero. [Stan staggers slowly] Come on, Stan! You got it!
Mr. Kincade: Goddamnit, he's a mess! [Stan is moving around, but he's missing all the notes]
Craig: Oh man, I can't watch this.
Mr. Kincade: What are you doing?! The video crowd is starting to boo! [a shot of the video crowd booing]
Cartman: Come on guys. Let's get out of here. [the boys leave, as to the couples and other spectators, leaving Stan alone with Mr. Kincade. Mr. Hart approaches Mr. Kincade.]
Mr. Hart: The next time you bring me some talent, make sure they're talent-ed. [walks away. Stan stumbles and finally falls face first, throwing up]
Mr. Kincade: You blew it! You had it all and you blew it! Listen to that video crowd! They hate you! [walks away. More shots of the video crowd booing. Stan looks at the crowd and begins seeing double]
Scene Description: EV Games, day. Brett the clerk is reading a magazine. Stan walks in, his head hanging real low, and walks to a game stand
Brett: There he is! So, did you break a million yet?
Stan: No, I didn't break a million points and unlock superstardom, all right? I'm done with that stupid game!
Brett: Aw, come on. Once you start playing Guitar Hero, you can't stop till you reach the top.
Stan: I just wanna find something else to play.
Brett: Have you played... [whips out a new game] Rehab Hero? You get chased by a big dragon, but you keep running away from it.
Stan: I just want a nice, simple... driving game. How about that?
Brett: Sssure kid. Sure. [brings out a Cross Country Cruiser game]
Scene Description: Stan's house, day. He's now playing Cross Country Cruiser. A radio is next to him, and in it a song ends.
Radio Host: All right, that was the Splendifs. And now here's a hit you all remember. It's a song that two local fourth grade boys scored a hundred thousand points to on Guitar Hero. [Stan is startled] Don't know whatever happened to those boys. I Guess... they're not playing the game anymore.
Scene Description: "Wayward Son" begins to play and Stan gets immersed in the game. A shot of Stan and Kyle playing Guitar Hero floats by. Stan then steps on the brake, stopping his video car. He thinks hard about what to do next. After a few seconds, a look of determination shows up and he goes into reverse, looking back over his shoulder as if he were driving a real car.
Scene Description: Mick's Bowling Lanes, day. The sign now says: KILE BARFFLOSKI ON GUITAR HERO. Inside, Kyle is at the Guitar Hero setup playing along to another song.
Skid Row: <ï> "Woke up to the sound of pouring rain The wind would whisper and I'd think of you And all the tears you cried, that called my name [Stan walks in and approaches Kyle. Kyle sees him and turns his back to him] And when you needed me I came through"</ï>
Stan: Kyle, could I just talk to you for like five minutes?
Kyle: What are you doing here? ["I paint a picture of the days gone by"]
Stan: Please, it- it won't take long.
Kyle: Goddamnit. We're gonna take a short break. Be back in five. ["When love went blind and you would make me see." Kyle walks over to the bar and serves himself some Fresca]
Stan: I was listening to you for a while. Dude, you've gotten a lot better. ["I'd stare a lifetime into your eyes"]
Kyle: Oh, thank you! I was so eagerly awaiting your approval of my abilities! ["So that I knew you were there for me"]
Stan: Look, Kyle, the game is still set up at my house and, maybe we could go try playing it again over there.
Kyle: Oh, so the gallant knight now comes to rescue me from the bowels of mediocrity! Oh, thank you, your royal lordship! ["Time after time you were there for me"]
Stan: That isn't it at all. ["Remember yesterday - walking hand in hand"]
Kyle: You don't get it, Stan! I can play here all I want. I even get free Frescas. I don't need you anymore! ["Love letters in the sand - I remember you"]
Stan: I know. I need you. [Kyle glances over his shoulder, then turns around to face Stan] I thought I was having a great time because I was getting signed by managers and, going to big sex and coke parties, but, then I realized, I was having fun because I was doing all that... [turns around and face Kyle] ...with my best friend.
Kyle: It was pretty fun, wasn't it?
Stan: [awkwardly] Yeah.
Kyle: Look, I doubt we could break a million together anyway.
Stan: I don't care. I'd just like to play with you again. For the fun of it.
Kyle: I don't really see the fun in... [turns around with fire in his eyes] ...not trying to kick that game's ass once and for all!
Stan: What, you mean it?
Kyle: I think we can do it, Stan. I've been close to a million a few times by myself.
Stan: [pats Kyle on the shoulder] Then let's go, dude! [walks forward. Kyle follows.]
Kyle: [stops abruptly] Oh wait. Wait, I'm supposed to play here. [turns around and face Mick] Hey, Mick, w-would you mind if I stepped out for a sec?
Mick: Go on, get out of here, kid. Who needs your wailin' and rockin' around here anyways?
Kyle: Thanks, Mick! [turns left and walks out. Stan follows him.]
Scene Description: Stan's house, day. Stan and Kyle walk up to Stan's house. Stan opens the door and they enter the living room
Stan: All right, dude, let's do this. [Kyle's jaw drops and Stan is annoyed] What the hell? [what greets them is Randy on the couch in his underwear. Around him are a pizza slice, a bucket of chicken, a case of S'mores Schnapps, and other items. Randy is playing Heroin Hero]
Randy: Ahhh, Ahhhhhhh.
The Dragon: Come on, come on. You almost got me. Catch me. Come on.
Stan: Aw Goddammit! Dad, get off our Xbox!
Randy: Hang on, I almost caught the dragon.
The Dragon: Hehe, you almost caught me.
Stan: No, me and Kyle are gonna play Guitar Hero!
Randy: [sits up] I can get him! Wait! Where's he going now?
Stan: You don't ever catch the dragon, Dad! [turns off the console]
Randy: NOO! NOOO I SAID! I AM YOUR FATHER! PUT IT BACK ON!
Stan: Mom, will you get Dad out of here?
Scene Description: The neighborhood park. Cartman, Kenny, Clyde, Craig, and Token are playing basketball. Craig has the ball and shoots at the basket. The shot is good.
Cartman: Stop cheating, Craig! [pushes Craig from behind]
Craig: How was that cheating!
Cartman: 'Cause you tricked me, you black asshole!
Butters: Fellas! Fellas! They're gonna do it!
Cartman: What?
Butters: Stan and Kyle! They're about to break a million on Guitar Hero, and unlock superstardom! [Butters runs back. After some thought, the other boys run after him]
The Boys: Oh, let's go! Cone on, let's go!
Scene Description: Stan's house, day. Stan and Kyle are playing again. Kevin, Jimmy, and a third boy are already present. The other boys enter and jimmy makes room for them to see the action
Butters: They're gonna do it! [they finally break the million]
Craig: They did it!
Jimmy: Oh my sweet J-Jesus!
M.C.: You have played Guitar Hero enough to reach one million points! Congratulations! You. Are. FAGS. [the video crowd cheers]
Stan: That's it?
Kyle: Goddammit! God dammit! [walks away pissed off. Stan takes off his controller and looks at it, drops it to the floor, and follows after Kyle]
Cartman: Butters, you wanna play me next? [picks up Stan's controller and puts it on]
Butters: Heh, okay, but I get to be the one that betrays you after the sex and drug party. [picks up Kyle's controller and puts it on, and both of them get to playing.]


Scene Description: The school cafeteria. It looks like it's been remodeled. At the table at center sit Kyle, Stan, Craig, Kenny, Cartman, Clyde, and Token.
Butters: [runs towards the table breathlessly] Fellas! Fellas! It's- Oh my god! You're not gonna believe this!
Stan: Dude, Butters, calm down.
Butters: Okay. [takes a gulp of air and looks around] Okay. I was talking to Pete Wetchney, and he said that Danny Chadwick said that his sister told him that the girls in our class have a list that rates every boy's looks from cutest to ugliest.
Craig: So who do they say is the cutest?
Butters: I dunno.
Token: Who do they say is the ugliest?
Butters: I don't know. I-it's like a girl thing. They won't let anybody see the list but them. [turns around and looks at them. The other boys look as well. Nearby, the girls chat among themselves, notice the boys, then laugh. Bebe holds up a notebook]
Cartman: [mad] They can't do that. Who are they to judge us on how we look?
Stan: Yeah. You think they rate us just for looks, or they take personality into account?
Clyde: If it's just looks then I think I'm safe.
Kyle: You guys, who cares if the girls make some stupid list? Girls make dumb lists all the time.
Cartman: [with a double cheeseburger in his left hand] Yeah, Kyle's right. Screw it; we have better things to worry about.
Craig: You're just saying that because you know you're gonna be very last on the list!
Cartman: Oh please, I don't think so, Craig! Chicks think I'm way hotter than you!
Craig: You don't think they put the fat tub of lard at the bottom?
Cartman: No, because chicks know I'm not fat, I'm buff! They probably put you at the bottom of the list 'cause you have fucked-up teeth! Or Kenny 'cause he's poor.
Kenny: (They didn't put me at the bottom, did they?)
Cartman: Kenny, face it: Girls don't wanna eat Pop Tarts for dinner every night when they get married.
Butters: You don't think they said I'm the ugliest boy in the class, do ya? Well if they did, my parents will ground me.
Kyle: You guys, do you really care what a bunch of girls have to say about how you rank in looks?! [the boys look at each other for a few seconds]
Scene Description: The hallway, after lunch. Bebe's at her locker. Cartman leads a small group of boys to her.
Cartman: All right, Bebe, let's see the list.
Bebe: [turns her head to look at him] What?
Cartman: You know what I'm talking about, bitch! The list where you rate the looks of each boy in the class!
Bebe: That's not for boys to look at! It's a secret girl list and YOU can't see it!
Cartman: Craig is on the bottom, right? Or is it Kenny 'cause you'd be eating Pop Tarts for dinner if you married him?
Bebe: I'm not... [slams her locker door shut] telling! And anyway, I'm not the list keeper, Nelly is! And Nelly will never let you look at it, so there! [sticks her tongue out and blows a raspberry at him, then walks away]
Cartman:: [blows a strong raspberry back and flips her off] Fuck you, Bebe! Fuck it, bitch!
Butters: [disappointed] Well, I guess we're never gonna get that list from the girls.
Cartman: Screw that, dude! We're guys. We can out think them.
Scene Description: Cartman's house, after school. In his basement, he shares his plan with some of the other fourth grade boys.
Cartman: All right, here's what we know. That chick Nelly is the one who's in charge of holding the list, right? She apparently keeps it in a purple Pee Chee folder, and we need a plan to get it from her. [points to a chalkboard with his plan on it] This is what I call "Operation: Cannot Possibly Fail". [a map with routes of the plan laid out]
Butters: [happily taking notes] Neat-o!
Cartman: At 1 PM tomorrow, Nelly will have to walk from Home Ec to Social Studies. That's our best time to strike. As she makes her way through Hallway 3, Craig will be ready with a distraction device here. [upper center part of the map] When she stops and turns to Craig in the hallway, Butters will run up and kick her in the balls.
Butters: [cheerfully] Okay!
Cartman: Once Butters kicks her in the balls, she'll fall to the floor, dropping the Pee Chee, and Kenny will swoop in from Corridor 3-Delta, and grab the Pee Chee. Are we good?
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Nelly walks down the hall as the 1 PM bell rings. As she walks, Craig blows through a paper bullhorn. Nelly looks over her right shoulder and Butters runs up and kicks her in the groin.
Nelly: Ow! What'dja do that for?! [Butters looks down and kicks her in the groin again] Hey, what's your problem, asshole?! [Butters is stunned that his kicks have no effect on her]
Cartman: Bail, bail! [he and Kenny take off]
Scene Description: Cartman's house, after school. He stands next to his revised plan, "Operation: Cannot Possibly Fail A Second Time".
Cartman: Okay, our mission failed, but we've learned a lot. Primarily that girls do not have balls.
Butters: [shown with a black right eye and his right arm in a sling] They sure don't.
Cartman: Never mind, because we are going to Plan B, one that I call "Operation: Cannot Possibly Fail A Second Time". When Nelly leaves the cafeteria for recess, Kenny will jump in front of her and spit on the ground.
Butters: You think maybe girls keep their balls on the inside of their tummies?
Cartman: Butters, we're done talkin' about girls' balls right now! Pay attention! [continues]
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The school bell rings. Token is walking down the hall when Kenny, Cartman, Craig and Butters run past him. He and the other kids in the hall look on.
Cartman: We got it! We got it! [next shot is of Stan at his locker as Craig runs by]
Craig: We got the list from the girls! [the other boys take pursuit: Stan, Token, Jimmy, Clyde, Tweek, Bill, and two others. Two sixth graders and some kindergartners watch from the far end of the hall]
Nelly: [chasing after the boys] Give that back you dirty buttholes! [the boys run into the boys' room]
Cartman: Tape it to the wall, Kenny! Jason, watch the door! [Kyle is washing his hands, but he turns to see what's going on]
Clyde: All right, hurry! Get it up there! Let's see it!
A Boy: Hurry hurry!
Craig: Whoa, what's this thing? Where am I?
Clyde: What number am I on?
A Boy: Is it set up?
Stan: It's listed in order from cutest to ugliest. Clyde's number one.
Clyde: Me? [smiles] I'm the cutest? [grins]
Stan: And then Token, and then me.
Token: I'm number two? Wow.
Butters: [making his way to the front] Come on, let me see! Let me see! [looks at the list and begins to scan it for his own name, then finds it] Oh boy! I'm number 11! Whoopie! Number 11! [runs out of the bathroom as a few boys wonder why he's so happy about it]
Craig: Ah! Look at that! I'm hotter than you, fatso! [he's #12 while Cartman is #15]
Cartman: What?! That's bullcrap! [Kenny moves up past Cartman and looks for his name. He finds himself at #7]
Kenny: (Woohoo!) [moves off]
Kyle: Oh, so big deal, guys! Do you feel better now? Clyde's the best looking kid in the class. And then Token and Stan, and last is Francis, Cartman, and... [finds himself at #16, the last one on the list. His head drops a little] Me?
Cartman: You're last, dude! [laughs heartily]
Kyle: No way.
Cartman: Yes way! Check it out! [laughs heartily]
Stan: Cartman, lay off! You're next to last.
Cartman: So? I'm hotter than Kyle. [makes his way through the crowd and out of the bathroom] I'm better looking than Kyyyle! [the other boys join him out except for Stan and Kyle] Yes! I'm hotter than Kyyyle! I'm hotter than Kyyyle!
Kyle: I'm last? Last?
Stan: Dude, it's just a stupid list, remember?
Kyle: I got voted the ugliest boy in the whole class?
Stan: Who cares what dumb girls think, right? [realizes there's no consolation now and walks away. Kyle stays there looking at the list. Alone. All alone. All alone in the boys' room]
Scene Description: Butters' house, day. He makes it home and runs into the kitchen. In the living room are three pairs of snow boots.
Butters: Mom, Dad! I'm not the ugliest kid in the class! Kyle Broflovski is!
Stephen: [holding a smoking pipe with his right hand and reading the Denver Post] Well good for you, Butters.
Linda: Way to go, champ.
Butters: Whoopie! [flies off to his room]
Stephen: Well, guess we don't have to ground him.
Scene Description: Kyle's house, evening. The family's at dinner, but Kyle isn't eating. He's still depressed.
Sheila: Kyle, what's the matter? You barely touched your knishes.
Kyle: The... girls at school. They made a list and voted me the ugliest boy.
Sheila: What? That's ridiculous. My little bubbeleh is adorable!
Kyle: Look, I know I'm not the best-looking guy in town, but I-I didn't think I was the very ugliest.
Sheila: You're not ugly, Kyle. You're my perfect little man. You look just like your father. [Gerald looks at Kyle and flashes a smile]
Kyle: Oh God! I do?
Gerald: But he has his mother's nose.
Kyle: [slaps both hands on his own nose] Ah!
Sheila: Kyle, you are very handsome and perfect in every way.
Kyle: Ike, Ike, you have to be honest. Am I ugly, yes or no? [Ike looks at him, then at their parents, then back at him. Kyle takes this to mean yes, and so leaves his chair] You ALL think I'm ugly. Jesus Christ, the least you could have done is told me!
Sheila: Kyle, come back here! [a door slams shut]
Scene Description: Kyle's bedroom, night. Kyle is in his pajamas, in his bed, under the covers. He still can't get over the list. He hears a knock at his window and looks over: it's Cartman.
Cartman: I'm better looking than you! [knocks on the window again] The girls think I'm better looking than you, Kyle! [Kyle sighs, stands on his bed, and pulls on a drawstring to close the curtains. Cartman moves with the curtain until he can no longer see inside Kyle's room] Dude, Kyle! Can you hear me? They totally think I'm hotter than you are! [knocks] Kyle! Kyle, I'm more attractive! [knocks again. The curtain is fully closed and Kyle goes back to sleep] Kyle?
Scene Description: Clyde's house. He's looking at himself in a full-length mirror in nothing but briefs.
Betsy: [checking in on Clyde] Clyde, it's time to be getting to bed. [Clyde looks at his mom, who closes the door, then turns back to the mirror]
Clyde: [raises his right eyebrow and knits his left one, then strikes a pose] Hey, what's goin' on? [looks at himself from the side] What's goin' on? Hey. [checks out his ass and then strikes another pose] Oh yeah, hey, whassup? What's goin' on? Nice.
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Kyle walks down the hall holding his notebook close. The other kids laugh as he walks by. He stops when he sees Clyde testing his moves.
Clyde: Hey, what's goin' on?
Two Girls: Hey Clyde.
Clyde: Hey.
Anne: Hi Clyde.
Clyde: What's goin' on? [Kyle is dismayed, but he hears Butters running up to him]
Butters: [laughing] Hey ugly! [runs off. Kyle then walks forward]
Clyde: [stops him] Hey, Kyle. Look man, it doesn't matter what people think, okay? [Kyle remains sad] You know, Abraham Lincoln was super ugly too, but look what he accomplished. [Kyle is no happier] Chin up, cowboy. [leaves to talk to a girl nearby] Hey, what's goin' on? [the girl smiles]
Girl: Oh, not much, just hanging around-
Butters: [returns to taunt Kyle some more] Hehehe. Hey, nice... nice ears, haha. Pizza Face! [runs off laughing]
Clyde: Butters, that's not cool, man. [takes off after him] He can't help how he looks. [the girl walks away]
Cartman: [walks up] Kyle, I was going to suggest that maybe you should... hang out with the other ugly kids in the school. Because if you hang out with them, you won't stand out so much. Right? [Kyle stays mum, as before] Cool. [walks away. A few seconds later, Kyle's eyes pop open]
Scene Description: The school cafeteria, day. Three ugly kids are shown eating slowly - two boys and a girl between them. Across from them are a fat ugly girl and another ugly boy. Kyle walks up and sits between these two.
Blonde Boy: Hey.
Kyle: Hello. [the girl takes a sip of her milk, then lowers the carton]
Bushy Eyebrows Boy: [with bushy eyebrows] Are you going to eat your pickle? [Kyle just picks it up and hands it to him. The boy takes it and starts eating it, slowly]
Scene Description: The playground, later. As the other kids play various games, the five ugly kids and Kyle sit on the steps by an entrance. Butters runs around in his #11 shirt laughing merrily.
Craig: Could somebody toss the football back? It's over there next to the ugly kids. [the ugly kids just watch quietly. Kyle is more and more depressed]
Big-Eared Boy: I hate coming to this school. It makes me angry.
Kyle: Yeah.
Big-Eared Boy: Sometimes I just want to burn it down. Burn the whole school down to the ground!
Kyle: [leans away, then stands up] No. You know what? Screw this! We aren't ugly!
Fat Girl: We're not?
Kyle: No! Maybe we all just need a little image change, you know? Like a makeover.
Bushy Eyebrows Boy: Hey yeah.
Kyle: [to the girl wearing glasses] Like you! Maybe you just need to let your hair down. And let's see how you look without those glasses. [removes them, and is met with tiny little eyes. The girl smiles after a few seconds] Let's just... put those back on. [puts them back on the girl, goes back to the steps, sits down and buries his head in his arms with a sigh. A few seconds later, Stan walks by and stops. He looks at the group helplessly. A few seconds later, he walks up to the merry-go-round, where Wendy, Lola, and Red are chatting]
Lola: I know, that song is so awesome. [Red notices him]
Stan: Uh, Wendy. Could I talk to you?
Wendy: Of course, Stan. [the other two girls smile]
Stan: Just for a minute. Over here. [takes her aside, to a tree nearby]
Lola: [to Red] You think he's gonna beg her to come back to him?
Wendy: This is a nice surprise. I thought you were never speaking to me again.
Stan: Yeah well, I wanna talk to you about this list you girls made.
Wendy: Which one? We make lists all the time.
Stan: The one where you rated the boys' looks in the class. Look, it really messed Kyle up, okay? How could you vote him the ugliest?
Wendy: [walks off a bit] Well, personally, I didn't vote him the ugliest. My vote was for Eric Cartman. But enough of the other girls must have felt he was-
Stan: [walks up next to her] So it wasn't unanimous. Maybe you can just change the list.
Wendy: Change the list?! Do you have any idea what that would take?! Maybe you don't understand how important list-making is to girls! It's not just something we do flippantly! There's protocol!
Stan: Can't we just talk to all the girls who made the list and find out why they voted Kyle last?
Wendy: [thinks for a moment] All right, I'll try and get you into our next list-making meeting. But it won't be easy.
Scene Description: The girls' meeting room, day. The room is pink, with pink bows here and there. Lists and drawings are everywhere on the walls. Two tables, each seating seven people, face each other. Between them is a smaller table seating two, and a judge's bench. Wendy is already present with Stan when the other girls file in and take their seats. Bebe is presiding.
Bebe: Today's list meeting is called to order. Rebecca, you have the floor.
Red: If it pleases and sparkles I suggest we continue deliberations on List 47D: Which Girl Has The Cutest Purse?
Bebe: Rebecca moves we work on List 47D. Does that sparkle with all the girls?
Girls: Sunshine.
Lola: Deliberating "Which Girl Has The Cutest Purse"? Millie has the floor.
Millie: If it pleases and sparkles, I would like to submit that [motions to her left] Jennifer's purse is by far the cutest. Definitely cuter than Teresa's.
Blond Girl: I don't think anyone here disagrees that Jennifer's purse is cuter than Teresa's, but it doesn't make it the cutest.
Bebe: The committee has already decided that nothing with stripes can be in the Top 5 cutest purses.
Lola: Sunshine sparkle. Wendy has the floor.
Wendy: If it pleases and sparkles, I would like to suggest that we... [glances at Stan] That we reopen last week's list for debate.
Girls: [debating] What'd she say? She's gotta be kidding!
Heidi: Is she crazy?
Bebe: All right, all right, come before the Rainbow Railing. [Stan and Wendy walk into the center of the room]
Wendy: Go ahead.
Stan: Aaah, I was just thinking that maybe you voted a little... hastily on the cutest boy?
Red: You thought you should be number one?
Stan: NO.
Bebe: Let me assure you that no list is made hastily by this committee!
Wendy: He didn't mean that. He was just saying maybe we should open it up again for discussion.
Bebe: I cannot by Sparkle Law move to have an old list investigated. However, if you can find recourse for such an inquiry, Wendy, I would review it. Does that sparkle with all the girls?
Girls: Sunshine.
Scene Description: Kyle's house, night. All the lights are out. In his room, Kyle is laying on his stomach and flicks a lighter on, then off, then on again, then off.
Kyle: They all laugh at me! [flicks on] And the girls giggle behind my back! [flicks off] unable to even glance at my disfigured face.
A Voice: Do not burn down the school, Kyle. [Kyle looks around]
Kyle: Who said that?
A Voice: I did. [a body appears in the room to match the voice - it's Abraham Lincoln's glowing ghost] Do you know who I am?
Kyle: Abraham Lincoln?
Abraham Lincoln: I am Abraham Lincoln. Burning down the school will not solve your problems. You think you've been cheated because you are ugly, but I am here to show you otherwise. Come! There is much to see. [walks out] I want you to look in here. [they approach a random house and look inside. A bored woman is playing with a pencil and pebble at her small dining table] This woman is Nancy Pinkerton. As a child she was consistently the most beautiful girl in her entire school. Her life as a youth was filled with praises, and everything being handed to her. Boys told her she was special. She was funny. She was interesting. But that's only because she was hot. It wasn't until she reached age 40, when her looks started to fade, that she learned she was actually about as interesting and special, as a wet carrot. [they leave her as they found her, playing with a pencil, all alone in her dining room. They move on to the next house] This is the home of your new ugly friend, Yamal. [Yamal is shown playing a piano] Because he's ugly, he gets nothing handed to him. He has to work at making something of himself. But that work is gonna pay off when he's an adult. He will have character, something that kids who are hot rarely develop. Like your classmate, Clyde. [they approach Clyde's house. Clyde is all cool laying on his couch talking to someone on the phone] Now that he knows he's good-looking, he doesn't have to make any effort to be special.
Clyde: Naw, Rebecca's just a friend. I wanna be with you now. Sure, yeah, I'll buy you some shoes too.
Abraham Lincoln: Now his life will be about girls. Chatting with them on the phone and buying them shoes. He will most likely marry very young, and not realize until age 40 that he's a total douche. And so you see, Kyle, it is actually the beautiful kids that are cursed.
Kyle: But I can't wait to be an adult to be happy. That's forever from now.
Abraham Lincoln: You must be patient.
Kyle: Just take me home! I don't wanna be here anymore! Take me home!
Abraham Lincoln: [sighs] Very well.
Scene Description: Kyle's house, later. Lincoln stops in front of it and Kyle gets out.
Abraham Lincoln: Kyle, you need to think about what I've told you.
Kyle: I don't want to! I don't want anybody telling me how to feel anymore!
Abraham Lincoln: Well then you're just a fucking asshole! [drives off. Kyle, stunned at that comment, just looks on.]
Scene Description: Wendy's room, night. Stan is on a beanbag chair as Wendy sifts through the lists at her desk.
Wendy: Wait a minute. Wait, Stan, I think I've got something! [Stan gets off the chair and walks up to the desk] Take a look at this: during final deliberation of the list for cutest boy, seven girls gave Clyde a glitter rating of only one sparkle.
Stan: I have no idea what you're talking about.
Wendy: It doesn't add up. It is possible that Rebecca made a mistake when she tallied the sunshine votes onto the final list. [they look at each other, smiling]
Scene Description: Red's house, day. Wendy and Stan walk up; Wendy knocks on the door. Red answers.
Red: Oh, hey Wendy.
Wendy: Hey Rebecca. Do you still have the voter cards for the list that rated the boys' looks?
Red: [laughs it off] Oho Wendy, we're done with that list.
Wendy: I know, but I think there's been a mistake. Six of the girls I've talked to didn't vote Clyde the cutest. That means that mathematically he should have been-
Red: [menacingly] All right, you need to stop. Digging. Around, Wendy! [looks around to make sure no one else is listening] You might not like... what you find! [begins to draw close to her] Just back off and stop asking questions! [in Wendy's face] You're getting close to a secret that I don't think you can handle! Let it... go! [backs up into her house and closes the door]
Stan: That didn't sparkle with her, did it?
Scene Description: True-Value Hardware and Home Improvement, day. Someone is purchasing a lot of kerosene, propane, and lighter fluid.
Clerk: [the name tag says Jerry] One canister of propane, six cans of lighter fluid, [Kyle stands there with determination in his eyes] seven gallons of high-octane kerosene, and a box of matches. [the total is $82.32] Okay, is that everything, little boy?
Kyle: [determined] That should just about do it.
Jerry: Do you like to put this on your True-Value card today?
Scene Description: The girls' meeting room, day. Wendy and Stan are back in the middle of the room. Two girls are before them, behind the small table in front of the bench.
Wendy: Nonorary Chair, Mrs. Secretary, I believe a member of our committee has tampered with one of our lists. I've compiled a full report, and it turns out that nobody voted Claude the cutest in the class. I believe Rebecca changed the list to make him number one.
Lola: Why would she do that?
Wendy: Right after the list was made, Rebecca started going out with Clyde. You can read all the discrepancies here. [drops the report on the table] We need to remake that list. [the girls look at the list as Wendy returns to Stan]
Jenny: You just couldn't let it go! [puts her left hand on the report]
Wendy: Uh, what do you mean? Call the girls in.
Jenny: I'm afraid we can't do that, Wendy! [the other girl leaves the table]
Lola: Did you know, Wendy, that Clyde's father owns the shoe store at the mall? A lot of us have always wanted to date Clyde to get free shoes, but we couldn't, because he wasn't popular enough.
Wendy: [points at her] You knew!
Lola: [pulls out a folder] Unfortunately, the members voted Clyde in the bottom five of the list! That's why we had to manipulate the votes, forge a new list, and... hide the real one!
Wendy: So that you all could justify dating Clyde and get shoes?! How dare you take advantage of your position! I'm gonna tell Bebe and have you both disbarred from the list committee!
Jenny: Bebe?! Who do you think authorized the buyout?!
Wendy: [stunned that her best friend was in on this] No. Not Bebe.
Jenny: She's dating Clyde now. Nobody loves shoes more than her.
Stan: What's going on?
Wendy: When the other girls find out you ignored their votes, they're gonna-
Jenny: Do you really think they'll believe you over the heads of the committee?! We'll simply generate a new list! "Biggest Liars"! And put you at the top!
Lola: Do yourself a favor, Wendy! Just let it go! And keep your little mouth shut!
Wendy: I don't think so! [goes up and kicks Lola in the groin, hard, much to Stan's shock]
Lola: [doubling over, dropping the folder] AAGH!
Wendy: [grabs the folder and runs away] Stan, run!
Stan: Jesus, dude! [runs out after her. The two other girls give chase]
Scene Description: Yamal's house, night. He's playing piano when someone knocks at his door. He goes to answer it.
Stan: [breathlessly] Hey, kid, have you seen Kyle? We've looked everywhere and we have to show him something.
Yamal: [waits a second or two] He's burning down the school.
Wendy: What?
Yamal: He said he gonna burn the school down to the ground.
Scene Description: The night suddenly gets stormy, but it's not cloudy enough to hide the full moon.
Kyle: [on the school roof pouring lighter fluid out] All the cruel jokes and ridicule will finally be over! Are you happy now, God?! YOU made me look like this!
Stan: [he and Wendy reach the roof and run up to him] Kyle! Kyle, don't!
Kyle: Don't try and stop me, Stan! You don't know how it feels to be a deformed monstrosity!
Stan: The list was a forgery, Kyle!
Kyle: Huh??
Stan: It didn't sparkle with all the girls. We have the real list. [a gun is cocked and pops into view, aimed at Wendy]
A Girl: That's about far enough! [it's Bebe holding the gun and fresh from shopping] Give me that list, Wendy!
Kyle: Stan, what is going on?!
Stan: It was about shoes, Kyle. The girls wanted shoes, so they set you up.
Bebe: Kyle was simple a casualty! To move Clyde meant that Craig has to be moved to number twelve, which moved Jimmy down and moved Jason up!
Kyle: So what number was I??
Wendy: You've compromised everything! Our lists' integrity!
Bebe: Did you see these shoes, Wendy?! [pulls out a new pair of shoes] They're incredible!
Wendy: It doesn't matter how incredible they are; you can't-[becomes distracted] Oh my God, those are amazing.
Bebe: Right?
Wendy: Is that a lace across the top?
Bebe: No, it's a little strap.
Stan: Wendy!
Wendy: [remembers why she's there] Oh, but it doesn't matter. You took it too far!
Bebe: If you hadn't gone all Nancy Drew on us, this would have just gone away! [cocks her gun again]
Kyle: She's gonna kill us?
Wendy: It's too late, Bebe. I've already made a full report and sent a copy to the police. People will know.
Bebe: Oh please, you're lying. [sirens approach and she realizes Wendy wasn't lying. Five police cars converge on the school and cops pour out of them]
Officer: [on the bullhorn] Give it up, Bebe. We know all about it. The list was compromised. Kyle Broflovski is not the ugliest boy in the class. [Wendy takes this opportunity to wrestle the gun away from Bebe. A gunshot goes off and Wendy is stunned]
Stan: Wendy! [she steps back and checks herself for bullet wounds, then finds the gun in her left hand. Bebe looks pained, then she checks herself for bullet wounds. Since they're both uninjured, they look around wondering where the bullet went.]
Scene Description: Kenny's house, night. He and his family are eating breakfast... for dinner. Each of the family members has a bowl of cereal before them. The bullet shoots in through the window, into the back of Kenny's head and out through his forehead. Stuart, his mom, and Kevin jump back in horror as blood splatters on them. They look at each other fearfully.
Kenny: (Aah-) [his head falls into his bowl. A few seconds later, some Pop-Tarts pop out of the toaster.]
Scene Description: The school roof, moments later. Officers are now on the roof and handcuff Bebe.
Bebe: Wait, I, I didn't do anything wrong.
Officer: You can explain all that downtown. [the cops take her away. Wendy is holding Bebe's shopping bag]
Stan: Here, Kyle. [hands the folder to Kyle. Wendy looks inside the bag - she's got herself some free shoes.] We've been through a lot, but, you can finally see where you really are on the list. [Kyle holds the folder in his hands, but...]
Scene Description: The school grounds, minutes later. Wendy stands over a garbage can, holding a lighter and torching the folder containing the real list. She flicks the lighter off and drops the burning folder inside the trash can.
Stan: Are you sure you're okay with this, Kyle?
Kyle: I'm sure. Abe Lincoln was right: I don't wanna find out I'm good-looking and become a total shithead when I grow up.
Stan: ...Abe Lincoln?
Wendy: Stan, it's been really great hanging out with you again. I feel like you've changed somehow. In a really awesome way. [smiles]
Stan: Yeah well, I guess a lot of things... change, don't they? [smiles. As they smile, they look into each other's eyes. Stan begins to get queasy] Bwaaaagh! Bwaaaagh! [throws up on her twice, and she just takes it as she used to do in third grade.]


Scene Description: A close-up of a tongue depressor holding a tongue down, and the sound of a boy going "AHHHHHH." The camera pans out to reveal a dentist looking inside Cartman's mouth. Liane stands nearby, watching. They are all in Cartman's room.
Cartman: AHHHHHH.
Dentist: Well, there's no doubt about it. Those tonsils need to come out.
Cartman: What?
Liane: Uh, what exactly does that entail, doctor?
Dentist: It's a very simple operation. We'll just put you to sleep, Eric, and when you wake up you'll be tonsil-free!
Cartman: No- No way. I'm not going to the hospital, Mom!
Dentist: Oh, I thought you were a tough kid! You're not scared of hospitals, are you?
Cartman: No, I'm not scared... I just- I don't want my tonsils out, that's all!
Dentist: Well then I guess you don't want all the ice cream you get after the surgery, either.
Cartman: ...Ice cream?
Dentist: It'd be a shame to have to give all that free ice cream to the big boys who aren't scared of hospitals.
Liane: What do you say, champ? Think you can tough it out?
Cartman: Well...you did say free ice cream? [Dentist and Liane laugh]
Scene Description: A shot of Hell's Pass Hospital. Camera cuts to a hospital room where Cartman is asleep in a hospital bed. Liane is sitting by his side, holding his hand and smiling
Liane: Poopsiekins, wake up. Wake up, honey.
Cartman: [Opening his eyes, blinking a lot] Uh. It's over?
Liane: That's right, you did it, Poopsiekins!
Cartman: [Eyes fully open, sitting up] Its over! I didn't feel anything! You were right, Mom!
Liane: I'm so proud of you, Eric.
Cartman: All right, so where's my ice cream?
Scene Description: The doctor and two opposite sex nurses enter the room looking very nervous.
Liane: Oh, here's the doctors now! Hi, doctor.
Cartman: You were right, doctor! Everything is okay!
Doctor Carroll: No, it's not. Eric, I'm afraid that we've accidentally infected you with the AIDS virus.
Liane: ...What!?
Cartman: What's that supposed to mean?!
Doctor: During the tonsil surgery we had to supply you with donor blood. A mistake was made and you were given blood contaminated with HIV. It was a one in a billion fluke.
Cartman: I HAVE AIDS?
Doctor Carroll: Not yet, but we've confirmed that you now have the virus that causes AIDS. We are very sorry.
Cartman: "Sorry"?! You gave me AIDS and you're "sorry"?!
Liane: Oh, my poor little baby!
Cartman: Mom, you said nothing would go wrong!
Liane: Oh God! [Cries] Oh no!
Cartman: No! No, this is a joke, right!? This is a joke; I can't have AIDS!
Doctor: We're going to do everything in our power to make this up to you, Eric. For starters, I think I owe you some ice cream. [One of the doctors brings over a plate with two sundaes on it, leaving it on Cartman's bed.]
Cartman: [Knocks the ice cream on the ground] Fuck your ice cream! You said I'd be fine! You all said I'd be FINE!
Liane: [Sobbing] Oh, oh, my baby has HIV!
Cartman: NO! NOOOOOOOO!
Scene Description: A shot of South Park Elementary as segue music plays. In the teachers lounge, Principal Victoria, Mr. Mackey, Ms. Garrison, two other staff members, and all of the boys' parents are gathered.
Principal Victoria: Thank you for coming, everyone. [Stan, Kyle, Butters and Kenny walk in.]
Principal Victoria: Boys, please take a seat.
Stan: [The boys sit down.] What's going on? Are we in trouble?
Principal Victoria: Boys, the reason we called you all in is because one of your friends... has a serious illness. Eric Cartman has been diagnosed with HIV.
Stan: [All five boys are surprised.] ...What?
Butters: Oh no.
Doctor Matlock: He's been to several specialists after a botched blood transfusion. The disease is in very early stages and completely manageable, but he's naturally a bit scared.
Kyle: Cartman has HIV?
Doctor Matlock: We need everyone to understand you can't get the virus from Eric. You can still give him hugs and even kisses. Don't be afraid of him, just-
Kyle: Excuse me. Eric Cartman has HIV?
Principal Victoria: All right, we're going to bring Eric in now, and let's all be as supportive as we can and show him lots of love, okay?
Mr. Mackey: [Opens the back door] Eric? Come on in, your friends want to say "Hi", m'kay? [Eric walks into the room with a black baseball cap, a gray scarf, and an annoyed look. Everyone greets him.]
Kyle: ...No. Way.
Butters: [Walks over to Cartman, putting an arm around his shoulder] How ya doin', Eric? You know, I think you're a real special little guy, and even though you have AIDS, I ain't gonna act any different towards you. [Smiles and kisses Cartman on the cheek, much to his horror]
Cartman: God damn it, this sucks ass!
Kyle: ...Excuse me, I have to step out for a minute. [Leaves the room and begins laughing in the hallway. It can be heard from in the room.]
Butters: Poor Kyle. He's really taking it hard.
Cartman: Is Kyle laughing out there!? This isn't a time for funny jokes, I'm gonna die!
Doctor Matlock: No, you're not going to die, Eric. AIDS isn't as big a deal as it used to be. There are advances in treatment and-
Cartman: Not a big deal!? Is that how everyone feels!? People need to understand the seriousness of this illness, and the bravery of the people who struggle with it!
Scene Description: A shot of the Airport Hilton, where Elton John is scheduled to hold an AIDS benefit for Eric Cartman
Scene Description: Inside, a group of people are in the grand ballroom. Pictures of Cartman hang on the walls. An M.C. steps up to the mic
M.C.: We are here tonight to salute the bravery and the courage of one very special little boy who is living with HIV. [there's hardly anyone there: just his mom, Butters, Jimmy, and two other adults.]
Cartman: Where the hell is everybody? [a waitress arrives with some food]
Liane: Excuse me, shouldn't we wait for everyone to arrive before we get started?
Waitress: This is everyone. We didn't sell that many tickets.
Butters: Great benefit, Eric!
Jimmy: The Italian meatballs are fa-fantastic.
Cartman: So this is it?
Waitress: I'm afraid AIDS benefits aren't as popular as they used to be. AIDS was more the '80s/'90s disease. It's all about cancer now. [leaves]
Cartman: Well that's just great! Of all the times to get AIDS, I get it right when everyone stops givin' a crap!
M.C.: With all of your help, we have raised over seventeen dollars for AIDS tonight, and that money will certainly go towards helping little Eric Markman.
Cartman: Just bring out Elton John already!
M.C.: Uh we're sorry, Elton couldn't make it. He- uh, he had to play at a cancer benefit.
Waitress: It's all right, we got somebody better: Jimmy Buffett!
Cartman: Jimmy Buffett?!
Jimmy Buffett: Hello everyone. I wrote this song for a very brave little boy. AIDSburger in paradise! AIDSburger and it ain't nice!
Cartman: Nobody likes Jimmy Buffett except for frat boys and alcoholic chicks from the South!
Jimmy Buffett: A little boy in South Park Dyin' of AIDS in the cold dark How he got AIDS I haven't a clue. Wastin' away again because of AIDS and stuff How are we all feelin' tonight?
Cartman: [sticks his middle finger up in the air] Fuck you, Jimmy Buffett! You fuckin' suck!
Liane: Ohoho poopsiekins, be nice.
Cartman: Fuck you Mom, I have fucking AIDS!
Scene Description: The neighborhood bus stop, day. Kyle, Stan, and Kenny wait for the bus. Cartman walks up, dressed as he was a day or two ago
Cartman: Hey guys, thanks a lot for comin' to my AIDS benefit yesterday.
Stan: Oh dude, was that yesterday? We forgot.
Cartman: Yeah, you forgot. Just like a lot of people lately have forgot that AIDS is still killing people! Seems like all of America has forgot that HIV is a serious disease.
Stan: Well, did... Elton John sing a song for you?
Cartman: ...No, as a matter of fact, Jimmy Buffett came instead. [Kyle bursts out laughing; Cartman angrily approaches him] OH YEAH, it'S REAL FUCKIN' FUNNY, KYLE!
Kyle: [trying to stop laughing long enough to say something] I'm sorry. I'm. I'm really. Cartman, I f-I feel really bad for you. Honestly.
Cartman: NO YOU DON'T!
Kyle: I do. [smiles and keeps from laughing]
Cartman: If you really felt bad, you'd wipe that fucking smirk off your face! [the smirk is having trouble not breaking into a laugh] Well any goddamned second, Kyle!
Kyle: I'm sorry. I gotta go home. [laughs, turns away and leaves. His laughter trails off]
Cartman: [watched Kyle leave] Jesus Christ, can you believe that asshole?!
Stan: He does feel bad for you, Cartman; he just thinks it's... ironic.
Cartman: Ironic how?
Stan: Well, you know, you're always such a dick and stuff, and, and now...
Cartman: [spins around and gets in Stan's face] Oh, and what?! I deserve it?! Is that what you think?!
Stan: [backs away a bit] Not me! That's, uh, kinda what he thinks.
Cartman: [advances] Nobody deserves this illness, Stan, Kenny! Nobody! It's awful! And maybe somebody needs to teach Kyle how to have some compassion!
Scene Description: Kyle's house, night. Kyle is asleep in his room, his curtains partially open. Outside in the bushes, Butters appears dressed as a cat burglar
Butters: Oh, uh-okay, it's clear.
Cartman: [comes into view also dressed as a cat burglar] All right, get that rope ready to hoist me up. [they head towards the sliding door]
Butters: Okay, but... what are you going to do?
Cartman: Kyle thinks that HIV is funny, so we're gonna make him look funny, and then he'll know how it feels to be laughed at.
Butters: I just uh... well I don't know if I should be helping you make Kyle look silly.
Cartman: Butters, helping people who have AIDS is one of the most important things you can do.
Butters: I know, but are you sure Kyle has to be taught a lesson?
Cartman: I'm not just sure, Butters. I'm HIV-positive.
Butters: [reflects on the answer] Oh yeah, uh-well I guess that's true.
Cartman: [gets down to business] All right, now get the rope up over that third rafter above the window; that's the easiest access.
Butters: Wow, you really know what you're doing.
Cartman: Yeah, I've sneaked into Kyle's room lots of times. [moments later, Cartman is shown moving up along the outer wall to Kyle's window. He stops and opens the window gingerly, silently steps onto Kyle's bed, and walks over to Kyle's face. Then he whispers] You think HIV is something to be laughed at, Kyle? Well... [reaches into his back pack, pulls out a syringe, rolls up the sleeves on his left arm and...] let's just see how funny it is now, asshole. [...draws some blood into it and drops the blood into Kyle's mouth. Kyle instinctively tastes it and swallows it. Cartman quickly goes back out the window and slams it shut as Kyle wakes up.]
Kyle: Wagh.
Scene Description: South Park clinic. Kyle sits on the bed as Sheila hands him some tissue. He sneezes.
Sheila: There there, bubbe, you'll be okay. [a doctor walks into the room] Oh doctor, did you find anything? Is it strep?
Dr. Doctor: No, it isn't strep...
Sheila: Oh, well there's a relief.
Dr. Doctor: ...Mrs. Broflovski, has your son ever had a blood transfusion?
Sheila: No, why?
Dr. Doctor: [walks around to Kyle's end of the bed] Little boy, have you been having unprotected anal sex?
Kyle: What? No?!
Sheila: Doctor, what are you saying?
Dr. Doctor: [walks up to Sheila] We've run every test imaginable... little Kyle here is infected with HIV.
Kyle: What?
Sheila: HIV?
Dr. Doctor: It took us a long time to narrow it down, but there is no doubt.
Sheila: No, that's impossible!
Dr. Doctor: [addresses Kyle] Little boy, are you sure you haven't taken it up the hoohoo just once or twice?
Kyle: No! No God damn it no! I'm telling you you're wrong! There, there's no way I can have HIV! Unless maybe... [his eyes open wide at the realization that Cartman deliberately infected him with the HIV virus.] Oh my God. "[gets angry]" That son of a bitch! [hops off the bed and rushes out the door]
Sheila: Kyle? Kyle!
Scene Description: Recess at South Park Elementary. The boys are outside tossing a football. Craig catches a football and looks for an opening
Cartman: Pass me the ball! [Kyle angrily runs in from a distance...] Pass me the ball, Craig, you stupid asshole! [...and shoves Cartman forward at full speed. Cartman falls on his face, then looks back at Kyle.] Kyle, what the F?!
Kyle: I'm gonna kill you, Cartman!
Cartman: Kyle, what?!
Stan: [steps into view] What did he do?
Kyle: Why do I have HIV?!
Clyde: ...Oh...
Cartman: Oh, you have HIV, huh Kyle? Guess it isn't so funny now, is it?
Kyle: What did you do?!
Cartman: Nothing!
Kyle: Then why did Butters say he helped you sneak into my room last Friday night?! [Behind Cartman, Butters motions Kyle not to say anything further]
Cartman: Oh nice, Butters, you big tattle-tale. [too late. Butters stops motioning]
Kyle: Tattle-tale?! Do you know how serious this is?!
Cartman: Well, Kyle, maybe I was just trying to prove a p-
Kyle: [lunges at Cartman] AAAAAAA! [starts punching him mercilessly, the other kids start cheering and jumping up and down while one girl does not and looks on with concern while titling her head.]
Cartman: Kyle!
Kyle: [doesn't let up] Hate you! [punch] Hate you! [punch. Mr. Mackey walks into the fray]
Mr.Mackey: Hey! Hey, that's enough! Break it up, m'kay?! [tries to separate the boys...] Break it up! Hm'kay?! [...but ends up hoisting them away together at each other's throats] M'kay!
Scene Description: Principal Victoria's office, moments later. Mr. Mackey has taken Kyle and Cartman there and now stands next to the principal
Principal Victoria: All right, boys, now what is this fighting all about?
Kyle: [pointing to Cartman] He gave me AIDS!
Principal Victoria: What?
Kyle: He purposely infected me with his HIV virus!
Principal Victoria: Is that true, Eric? Did you give Kyle AIDS?
Cartman: Well he was being a total dick! And he's a big tattle-tale and going around and talking crap about me!
Principal Victoria: [pointedly] Did you infect Kyle with the HIV virus, yes or no?!
Cartman: [grudgingly] Kind of.
Mr. Mackey: Eric, that is not appropriate behavior, m'kay? You cannot purposely infect other kids with your disease!
Principal Victoria: That's right. I think you owe Kyle an apology.
Cartman: [grudgingly] I'm sorry.
Kyle: An apology?!
Principal Victoria: You're sorry for what, Eric?
Cartman: I'm sorry for giving you AIDS, Kyle.
Principal Victoria: That's better. And now Kyle, maybe you should also admit you were wrong for tattling.
Kyle: [can't believe these adults] ...What?!
Mr. Mackey: Kyle, the thing about tattlin' is, eh tattlin's bad. M'kay, because nobody likes a tattle-tale, m'kay?
Kyle: A tattle-tale?! He infected me with AIDS!
Cartman: See? He's tattling again. He hasn't learned a thing you guys. [they are shown the door]
Scene Description: The hallway. Kyle walks forward and leaves the principal's office. The camera tracks him, and Cartman begins to move as well.
Cartman: [keeping pace with Kyle] Well Kyle, I guess we're even now. Shall we just call it a truce? Kyle? Shall we call it Even Stevens now? [stops] Kyle, where are you going?
Kyle: [turns around and returns to Cartman, then says between gritted teeth calmly but angrily] I am going to break everything that you own. [spins around and walks away]
Cartman: What's that supposed to mean? Kyle? [settles on the obvious] Kyle, no! I apologized, Kyle!!
Scene Description: Cartman's house, front. Kyle approaches the front door and opens it. He goes right in and up the stairs. Cartman appears by the driveway a few seconds later
Cartman: Kyle! Kyle, hold on, you asshole! [Kyle enters Cartman's room and begins breaking anything he sees. First, a toy rocket. Then, he grabs a poster of Braveheart from the wall and rips it apart while screaming in rage. Next, he grabs the Wellington Bear Magic Mic and smashes it on the floor. Cartman walks in.] What the fuck are you doing?! [picks up some of his broken toys. Kyle knocks over a box of small toys] Kyle, stop it! [Kyle breaks apart a toy Mountie after three tries] God damn it, don't! [Kyle walks over to Cartman's big toy box, grabs Clyde Frog,..] Kyle, no! Not Clyde Frog! Leave Clyde Frog alone! [...and rips its head right off and moves off.] NO!! [Cartman picks up the two halves of his plush frog as Kyle moves to the XBOX] AHH! Clyde Frog!! Clyde Frog you ba- no! Not the Xbox, Kyle! [Kyle picks it up and tries to pull it out of the power socket] Not the X-wait! WAIT A SECOND! [stops Kyle before Kyle gets to smash the XBOX on the floor] I'm sorry I gave you HIV, all right?! Just give me a chance, and I can cure you!
Kyle: There is no cure, you asshole!
Cartman: No, no, listen, Kyle! I'm on to something. There really is hope.
Kyle: What hope?!
Cartman: Break my Xbox and you'll never know.
Kyle: You're lying!
Cartman: NO! No-al-, all right Kyle! Magic Johnson, Kyle! The key is Magic Johnson.
Kyle: Magic Johnson?
Cartman: He was a basketball player.
Kyle: So what?!
Cartman: So he got HIV like fifty years ago, and he's still totally fine! Magic Johnson has some kind of resistance to the virus, Kyle. I've been researching it since I got infected. If we can track him down and isolate his genetic prototype, we have a chance of beating this thing, buddy. [grabs Kyle's shoulder] You and me, Kyle. We can overcome our illness; I swear it to you!
Kyle: [looks at the XBOX for a few moments, then] You better! 'Cause if you don't find a cure for HIV, I will break your Xbox!
Cartman: [stunned] My God...
Scene Description: Denver International Airport. A list of gates are shown. Kyle and Cartman walk in and go to a Delta Airlines clerk
Cartman: We need two tickets to Los Angeles as soon as possible.
Clerk: Los Angeles. Okay, uh I have a two o'clock flight. That would beee... $400 each.
Cartman: Ah, sir, you don't understand. We have to see Magic Johnson right away. You see, we have AIDS.
Clerk: ...AIDS? Wow, that's really... retro. But ah I'm sorry. I- I just can't give away free seats.
Cartman: Don't you get it?! We are two pals afflicted with an illness, and who only have each other in a race against time! Innocent playful children who are stricken with a deadly disease for no reason!
Kyle: Oh please, no reason! I got AIDS from him!
Clerk: Oh, you boys are [sticks his left index finger into a tube he makes with his right hand and moves it in and out of the tube] like that, huh?
Kyle: NO!
Clerk: Are you sure you boys just don't have any cash?
Cartman: We're not just sure, we're HIV-positive.
Clerk: Uh, we sometimes offer free seats to cancer patients, but AIDS I d-. Heh-hey Mitch? Do we have any AIDS patient policies?
Cartman: Forget it, all right?! We'll use another airline! One that cares! [turns around and leaves Kyle standing there]
Scene Description: The interior of an airplane. Cartman and Kyle sit in aisle seats near the front of the cabin. A flight attendant walks up to them
Flight attendant: We're so happy to help accommodate you brave boys. What kind of cancer did you say you have again?
Cartman: Oh uh, you know, all over cancer.
Flight attendant: I'm so sorry.
Cartman: Yeah, well, at least [leans into the aisle and looks back at the other passengers] it's not as bad as having AIDS. AIDS is the worst disease.
Flight attendant: Hm, I don't know. These days I think I'd rather have AIDS than cancer.
Cartman: No you wouldn't! Look, shouldn't you be serving people drinks or something?! Get outta here! [the flight attendant turns and walks away] We're on our way, buddy. [puts his left hand on Kyle's right hand] Magic Johnson, here we come.
Kyle: [coldly] Don't. Touch me.
Cartman: [removes his hand from Kyle's and places his hands together over his stomach] I know. I'm scared too.
Scene Description: Magic Johnson's mansion, day. Behind it is a smoggy horizon.
Scene Description: Magic Johnson's mansion, living room. Magic has his feet propped up on a glass coffee table. He's spinning a basketball on his right index finger as he changes channels with his left hand. An NBA Championship trophy sits on a small table to the left
Butler: Magic. Magic, could you come to the front for a minute? There are a couple of boys here to see you. Two brave little buddies who against all odds have journeyed across America to find the cure for AIDS. All they have are each other in a race against time. [Magic sheds a big tear and sniffs]
Kyle: [moments later] Thank you for seeing us, Mr. Johnson. We were hoping that maybe you have some kind of key that can help us with our disease.
Magic: You boys both have the virus? Are you sure?
Cartman: We're not just sure, we're HIV-positive.
Kyle: [quickly irritated; exploding] Will you stop it with that!?! [angrily points at Cartman] What part of this is funny to you?!!
Cartman: Kyle, we need to try to find a-
Kyle: What part of being infected with a deadly disease do you find funny?!!
Cartman: [thinks for a few seconds] I don't think it's funny, Kyle.
Kyle: [angrily points at Cartman again] Then stop saying you're not just sure, you're HIV positive!! [Cartman keeps quiet] This isn't funny, AIDS isn't funny, dying isn't funny, [points at Cartman a third time with his eyes closed.] So shut the fuck up!!
Cartman: [clears his throat] Well excuse me, Kyle, for trying to keep some optimism, you know? I mean, sometimes when things... seem their darkest you just need to try and stay... HIV-positive, but if you wanna be so HIV-negative all the time, I-
Kyle: [angrily points at Cartman a fourth time] Knock it off!! Right now!! This isn't funny!! At all!!
Cartman: [waits a second] Are you sure?
Kyle: [quickly] Yes!!!
Cartman: [waits a second] Are you HIV-positive? [Kyle smacks him] Aarrhh! Ow, fuck, Kyle!
Magic: Boys, the truth is I don't know why my body is so resistant to the virus. I would love to know so I could help others, but I just don't. [shrugs]
Kyle: Well I've been thinking: maybe there's something you've come into contact with that hinders HIV from growing. Do you mind if we just look around?
Magic: Well, not at all.
Scene Description: The hallway. Magic and the boys pass various rooms
Magic: The pool is over there [motions to his left], where I try to swim and stay in shape. My kitchen [motions to his right] is full of pretty healthy food. I don't know which thing it is that keeps my T-cell count high, so I... try it all.
Kyle: But everyone tries that. There has to be something you're exposed to that others aren't. Could we see where you sleep?
Magic: Sure.
Scene Description: The bedroom. The double doors swing open and the group enters
Magic: Just a pretty plain old ordinary bedroom. [before them is the four-post bed with curtains, and stacks of dollar bills everywhere else]
Kyle: Dude.
Magic: Oh, oh yeah, I- I don't trust banks. I sleep with all my money.
Kyle: You sleep with money. Every night?
Magic: Yeah, I like to keep it close b- ...You don't think that..?
Scene Description: AIDS Research Center, day. Inside a laboratory there, a scientist analyzes a blood sample through a microscope
Scientist 1: [changes focus] It's incredible. Mitch, these boys could be onto something. Take a look. [Mitch steps in and looks into the microscope] That's a sample of HIV-infected blood. You can clearly see the HIV attacking the white blood cells, right? [the HIV is indeed attacking] All right. Watch what happens when we introduce some cash. [waves a brick of bills around near the microscope]
Mitch: My God. The HIV particles are receding! [the particles scream as they sense the money, and leave the white blood cells alone]
Scientist 1: The cash does seem to retrain the HIV cells from stabilizing.
Scientist 2: Now hold on! All the cash is doing is destabilizing the virus, not destroying it.
Kyle: Well look, if being around lots of cash negatively affects the HIV, then maybe...
Mitch: Then maybe enough cash shot directly into the bloodstream could kill the virus altogether.
Magic: I have enough cash for all three of us! We should give it a try!
Scientist 2: Na-noo, it's ridiculous. We need FDA approval, control studies! I'm sorry, but this is impossible!
Magic: These boys have shown us that a lot of impossible things can happen. [genuflects next to them] Their friendship has conquered every obstacle in their illness-ridden lives.
Scientist 2: [sighs heavily and puts his hands on a lab table] Their incredible friendship has brought a sparkle of hope to our world, that's for sure.
Kyle: [looks away] Wugh.
Scientist 2: I suppose we could try to distill Magic's cash down to its... most highly-concentrated level and... try it on one of them. But it's very risky.
Cartman: Yeah well, if there's a chance of being cured of this illness, then Kyle is willing to take that risk.
Scene Description: moments later, a tank holding a lot of Magic's dollar bills is brought in. A shredder is lowered into the tank and turned on. It shreds the bills to into pulp and then is lifted out. The tank is lifted up over a cylinder and the pulp is poured from the tank to the cylinder, which turns out to be a giant pump. The pump is activated and pushes the pulp into a helical tube. At the end of the tube is a small chamber which distills the pulp into a clear green liquid and acts as a dropper. The liquid drips into a large syringe. Once it fills up, Mitch takes it...
Mitch: Let's hope to Christ this works. [...walks over to Kyle, kneels next to him, and injects him with the liquid. Moments later, a sample of Kyle's blood is taken and analyzed]
Scientist 1: Wait a minute... Yes... Yes, take a look! [he trades places with Scientist 2, who looks into the microscope] The cash particles have completely replaced all the HIV in Kyle's blood! [the newly repaired blood cells look like discs cut out of dollar bills. Scientist 1 turns around and faces the boys.] Boys, you just found the cure for AIDS.
Cartman: All right!
Scientist 1: [throws open the lab doors and walks out] They found the cure for AIDS! [runs down the hall] The cure for AIDS!
Scientist 3: What is it?
Scientist 1: [grabs Scientist 3 by the shoulders] Large doses of concentrated cash! [runs down the hall] Get the media on the phone!
Scientist 4: [female] All right!
Scene Description: SNN News
Anchorman: Scientists have just discovered the cure... for AIDS. [smiles] About a hundred and eighty thousand dollars shot directly into the bloodstream.
Scene Description: Nigeria, Africa, around sunset. A station wagon pulls up and a blond driver jumps out
Driver: Hey! They just found the cure for AIDS! You just have to inject yourself with all your cash! Woohoo!
Scene Description: A Cure For AIDS benefit at the Airport Hilton's Grand Ballroom
M.C.: I am pleased to announce that there is no trace of the HIV virus in either Kyle Broflovski or Eric Cartman. [the room applauds. Most everyone present is from South Park] Together these boys beat their illness. With nothing but each other, and overcoming all odds [Kyle's face gets angry], these two brave friends-
Kyle: Oh stop! We're not friends! He's the one who infected me with AIDS!
M.C.: These two brave lovers found the cure and helped the world. And so, to honor these boys [Cartman grins. Kyle is still angry], here is... Jimmy Buffett!
Cartman: [grin vanishing] What?! Aw, no!
Jimmy Buffett: Cureburger in paradise! Cureburger. There I said it twice!
Cartman: What?! Aw, God damn it! [puts his arm around Kyle] Well I'll tell you this, Kyle. I'm never gettin' my tonsils out again, hahahaha.
Kyle: I'm still breaking your Xbox. [turns right and walks off]
Cartman: What? No. No. [runs after him] Kyle, no!