Scene Description: Broflovski residence. Gerald and Sheila are with Ike at his changing table in his room.
Sheila: Hold still, Ike! We have to get you dressed! Where the heck is Kyle?
Gerald: I don't know. Come on, Kyle! You're gonna be late for Jew Scouts!
Scene Description: Kyle looks in the bathroom mirror to make sure everything is set, and hums. Both he and Kyle have little pigtails hanging from their hair.
Sheila: Kyle!
Kyle: I'm coming, Ma! [the doorbell rings]
Sheila: Go get the door, Kyle!
Kyle: [to himself, angrily] "Get ready", "answer the door", Jesus Christ, make up your friggin' mind! [exits]
Scene Description: Living room. Kyle walks across to the front door and opens it
Kyle: Oh! Hey, Kenny.
Kenny: (Kyle, I'm gonna camp and watch the meteor shower. Do you wanna come and see it with me?)
Kyle: I can't watch the meteor shower with you, Kenny. I have to go to Jewbilee.
Kenny: (What's that?)
Kyle: It's what we do in Jew Scouts. Usually we just sit around and make stuff. But tonight, because there's a meteor shower, we're gonna do some big thing out in the woods. It's gonna suck ass, I'm sure.
Kenny: (Oh, that's alright.)
Kyle: Hey! Maybe you can come with me. Then it won't suck so hard.
Kenny: (Really?) [follows Kyle to the sofa, where Kyle's parents now wait]
Kyle: Mom? Can Kenny go to Jewbilee with me?
Sheila: ...Uhwell, Kyle, Jewbilee is sort of a ...special thing.
Kyle: ...Oh. Kenny isn't special?
Kenny: (Aw.)
Sheila: No, no, you're very special, Kenny. It's just that... well, Jewbilee is... for Jewish kids. [Kyle and Kenny have blank stares]
Gerald: You see boys, Jew Scouts is a special group that borrows a little bit from all different Jewish denominations. From the Orthodox Jews, from the Hasidic Jews, from the Northern Italy Cave Jews... But you have to believe the basic tenets of Judaism to be a Scout.
Kyle: Kenny'll believe whatever you want him to.
Kenny: (Yeah.)
Sheila: Kyle, eh, the problem is...
Kyle: Please, Ma. I don't think Kenny has anywhere else to be tonight.
Gerald: Oh, all right. Just don't let any of the elders know that he isn't Jewish, okay?
Kenny: (Woohoo!)
Sheila: Come on, Ike! [he hops in] It's time to go to Squirts!
Kenny: (Squirts?)
Sheila: You have to be in Squirts if you're too young to be a Jew Scout.
Kenny: (Oh.)
Sheila: Don't worry, Kenny. I'll fill you in on our faith on the way up there. [everyone heads out the door]
Scene Description: In the car. The family and Kenny drive south as a full moon rises. Sheila gives a quick overview of the Old Testament, or Tanakh
Sheila: And then, Kenny, Abraham's wife bore him no children. She had a handmaid, an Egyptian, whose name was Hagar. And Sarai said unto Abraham, "Behold now, the Lord hath restrained me from bearing. I pray thee, go into my maid."
Kenny: (Uh huh.)
Sheila: Abraham begat Isaac, who the Lord then said to kill. But that was just a little silly trick to see if Abraham would do it.
Kenny: (Uh huh!)
Ike: Eng jeck. [takes off his cap]
Kyle: No, Ike! Ma, Ike keeps taking off his Squirt uniform!
Sheila: Ike, you behave!
Ike: Buwor? [takes off his cap again]
Kyle: No, Ike!
Ike: Buh buh buh buh. [the cap is back on, the bandana comes off]
Kyle: I don't think Ike wants to go to Squirts.
Gerald: [turns to face the boys] Ike, your brother Kyle was in Squirts, and so was I. You have to go so someday you can be a big brave Jew Scout.
Ike: No-o. [takes off the pigtails]
Gerald: Tell Ike how much fun Squirts is, Kyle.
Kyle: What? You want me to lie?
Gerald: Yeah, lie.
Kyle: Oh. Ike, Squirts is so much fun-
Sheila: Oh my God, what is that?! [brakes hard and stop. A big brown bear is walking towards them.]
Gerald: Hey, it's a bear! [the bear turns left and walks into the woods]
Kyle: Wow, cool.
Sheila: This retreat really is out of the way, isn't it?
Scene Description: The Jew Scout camp. The sign on the entrance reads, "WELCOME TO JEWBILEE." They reach the Jew welcome station
Ranger: Welcome to Jewbilee. You folks find it okay?
Gerald: Yeah. [the boys leave the car] Actually, we saw a bear a few miles back.
Kyle: He was huge.
Ranger: Yeah. We spotted him a few days ago. Nothing to worry about, though. Your boys are safe with us.
Sheila: I'm sure they are.
Gerald: We'll be back to pick you up after the meteor shower party, boys.
Sheila: Good-bye, boys. Kyle and Ike, you be safe. And Kenny?
Kenny: (Uh huh?)
Sheila: Try and act Jewish. [drives away. Ike is properly dressed again]
Kenny: (How do you do that?)
Squirt leader: [arrives with his troop] Come on, Squirt! We're meeting over here! [motions to the place]
Kyle: [Ike hides behind him] Who are you?
Squirt leader: I'm the Squirt leader. I don't want to be the Squirt leader, but I don't have a choice; it's the only way I can earn my chutzpah badge. So I gotta spend all night instructing Squirts.
Kyle: You have to go with him, Ike.
Ike: Buh buh buh buh.
Kyle: Don't worry, Ike. Squirts is fun. And I'll be right over there in the next building. [points to it.]
Ike: Boul ball.
Squirt leader: Come on! [drags Ike away. The Squirts leave as well, and the ranger returns]
Ranger: Name?
Kyle: Kyle Broflovski.
Kenny: (Kenny McCormick.)
Ranger: What?
Kyle: Uh, Kenny McHeinenberg.
Ranger: [writes the names] Alright, get to Meshuggeneh Hall! The meeting is already starting.
Scene Description: On the way to Meshuggeneh Hall. Kenny is curious about the buildings, naturally.
Kenny: (What's that?) [about the CHAMBER OF ELDERS]
Kyle: This is where the elders meet. Nobody is allowed to go in there when they're having a meeting.
Scene Description: Chamber of Elders, the meeting. The Chief Elder sits on a futuristic throne, from which he can look down at the other elders
Chief elder: Baleilah hazein, Hame kadesh mekoh hikenazu puanazikeh hakeilah. (Now gather us, the elders, on this most holy of nights.)
Elders: Helalelah, het Moshe. (Praise Moses.)
Chief elder: I want to welcome you all. Though we each come from a different sect of Judaism, on this night of Jewbilee, we all pray to Moses as one. Hineinih kureh leirukeshu. (May all the power of Moses show the way...) Now, let us all introduce ourselves.
Elder 1: [with buns on his head] Elder Carn, from the Orthodox synagogue.
Elder 2: [with mustache] Elder Harris, from the Hasidic sect.
Elder 3: Elder Garth, from the synagogue of anti-Semites.
Chief elder: [cautiously] I don't believe I've heard of the anti-Semitic sect of Judaism before.
Elder Garth: We're new.
Scene Description: Squirt's Lair. Stars of David are everywhere
Squirt leader: Okay, Squirts, the elders have given us a very important task tonight. We are all going to make macaroni pictures, like this one, [pulls out a picture of the Star of David made from macaroni] using dry macaroni, paper, and glue.
Squirt 1: How come we have to make macaroni pictures?
Squirt leader: [angrily] Because that's what Squirts do! Now, shut your pie-hole!
Squirt 2: What's your name?
Ike: No.
Squirt 2: How come your head is lookin' so... funny-looking?
Ike: Uh-uh. [doffs the hat and pigtails and hops to the window. He sees Kyle and Kenny walk to Meshuggeneh Hall]
Scene Description: Meshuggeneh Hall, the camp lodge, but inside it looks like a lecture hall. The banner outside says, "Jew Scouts Meeting Hall"
Elder: And that's how we'll be making tonight's craft. And so you see, Scouts, all you need is a bar of soap and a dull knife [displays them], and you can make nifty soap sculptures like these. Here's a giraffe. [displays it] And here's a cloud. [displays it] You can all pick up your bars of soap later on, as we will all be making soap sculptures tonight. [Kyle and Kenny enter and take their seats] Now, this year we are pleased to announce that Jewbilee has grown to over one hundred Jew Scouts from all around the country. All new inductees, raise your hands. [several of them raise their hands. None of them wear the Jew Scout cap yet.]
Kyle: That's you, Kenny. Raise your hand. [Kenny does so. The elder spots the new Scouts, but returns to an odd prospect]
Elder: Uhhhh, yess, and what is your name, young man?
Inductee: Junichi.
Elder: O-oh, wonderful, uh, uh, um... [places his index finger on his lower lip] Cu-could you run out and grab some... some of those candles for us? [Junichi leaves, and the attendant locks the door immediately] There we go. Ahem. [Kyle notices the injustice that has just been done] Now, I would like all the new inductees to step forward, please. [the new Scouts leave their seats and come up]
Kyle: This part kinda sucks, Kenny, but don't screw it up. [Kenny moves forward]
Elder: Raise your left hand and repeat after me: I pledge to be a Jew Scout.
Inductees: I pledge to be a Jew Scout.
Elder: My honor, wide and true.
Inductees: My honor, wide and true.
Elder: I am proud to be a Jew Scout.
Inductees: I am proud to be a Jew Scout.
Elder: Otherwise, I'd just be a Jew.
Inductees: Otherwise, I'd just be a Jew.
Elder: [brings forth a large bell] Nahit chaim.
Inductee 1: Nahit chaim. [the elder lowers the bell over his head and strikes it once to produce a long, loud peal, then raises it. The boy walks off]
Elder: Nahit chaim.
Inductee 2: Nahit chaim. [the elder lowers the bell over his head, strikes it, and raises it. The boy stumbles away crying]
Elder: Nahit chaim.
Kenny: (Nahit chaim.) [the elder lowers the bell over his head, strikes it, but Kenny ducks] (Ha! Hiheh haha.) [the elder lowers it again and strikes it several times to make sure] (Hah! Oh my God!)
Scene Description: Squirt's Lair. Macaroni projects now due
Squirt leader: Okay, Squirts, let's see what you made macaroni pictures of. Ishmael?
Ishmael: Apple.
Squirt leader: Good. Matthew?
Matthew: Cat.
Squirt leader: Joseph?
Joseph: Triangle.
Squirt leader: Okay. Ike?
Ike: Cokeshen.
Squirt leader: [gasps] ...You don't make a macaroni picture of the Last Supper at a Jewish camp! [growling and other noises are heard] What the geez? [outside, a bear is searching through trashcans. The leader goes to the window] Oh my God, it's that bear they've been talking about! [the bear looks back, then jumps and runs away, leaving the trashcans strewn about and trash everywhere. The leader walks out with the Squirts] Where did it go?! Squirts, go grab your gear! We're gonna hunt us a bear! Then I'll get my chutzpah badge for sure!
Scene Description: Chamber of Elders. Meanwhile...
Chief elder: Elehem hav dorim, ashoseveh laoleinu. Hakadosh boruku, omasheh hachreit. (Tonight, for the meteor shower, we will pray to Moses. Then we will give Moses thanks.)
Elder Garth: [losing patience] Oh, enough already. What has Moses ever done for us?
Chief elder: All sects of Judaism follow the words of Moses.
Elder Garth: Not mine. Tonight's meteor shower is a sign of the New Time, heh. We should use it to pray to Haman and enter into a new millennium faith, and it-
Chief elder: Enough, elder! You will not speak the name of Haman here!
Elder Garth: All you ever do is worship Moses, but it says in the Book of Centuries that Haman will one day lead the Jews.
Elder Harris: We pray to Moses here, elder.
Elder Garth: If you guys love Moses so much, why don't you marry him?!
Chief elder: We accept all denominations of Judaism here at Scouts, elder, but your synagogue of anti-Semites is too strange! Get out and do not return: you are no longer welcome here!
Elder Garth: Fine! [goes to the door and turns] Jewbilee is the time of Haman! You will all see how wrong you are, very soon! When Haman returns from the Ninth Tower of Disillusionment, and smotes Moses and all his followers into pillars of dust that would cry for their petty lives but can't, having recently been turned into dust and all, you will see! You will see this very night! [walks out and closes the door.]
Chief elder: Hello.
Scene Description: Campfire. The Jew Scouts form a ring around it and sit. Kyle and Kenny stand behind the chief elder.
Kyle: Come on, Kenny. You have to get in the circle.
Kenny: (What the fuck are we doing?)
Kyle: This is where we all stand in a circle and pray to Moses for guidance during Jewbilee.
Kenny: (Uheheheheh, that's stupid.)
Kyle: It is not stupid, Kenny! This is my faith and you shouldn't make fun of it!
Chief elder: Alright, Jew Scouts, the meteor shower will start soon. Let's pray to Moses for guidance. [spreads his arms out. All the Scouts close their eyes save Kenny, who looks around first, then closes them.] Moses, great leader, on this blessed night of Jewbilee, we ask for your tutelage.
Scouts: May the teachings of Moses fill our ears and our hearts respectively.
All: [the elder first, then the Scouts join him one by one] O...
Elder Garth: [behind a nearby tree] Stupid assholes. Moses ain't gonna teach them anything! [softens to pray] Do not fear, Haman. This night shall be yours, and the anti-Semitic Jews will once again rule the Earth.
Scene Description: The Squirts and their leader march through the woods...
Squirt leader: We are Squirts, we are Squirts; we're so kosher that it hurtsWhen we get older we'll be Scouts, but until then we are Squirts[gasps. The brown bear is in front of him approaching a pile of crap] There he is, Squirts. [the bear turns up its snout, but sniffs again] Okay, Squirts. Remember the plan: immobilize and attack. Matthew, y-you immobilize the bear with the net, then Echo team, run up and attack it with your Squirt knives. [the bear sniffs some more] Don't get too close now, just close enough to throw the net on the stupid bear. [Matthew goes forward with the net. The leader and the other Squirts hide behind some bushes and watch. The leader then barks] Now! [the bear turns to see Matthew and growls, and Matthew throws the net on himself]
Matthew: Oh, funt. [the bear takes the net and carries Matthew away] No!
Squirt leader: Oh, no! [the bear disappears] Oh, God! [comes out of the bush with the Squirts] Oh, the bear took a Squirt. Oh, I'm gonna get it now!
Scene Description: Back at the campfire, the Scouts are trying to summon Moses
All: [long note] O... [the Scouts are now holding hands as they chant]
Kenny: [notices some rumbling] (What's happening now?)
Kyle: [looks at him] Shh. Shut up, Kenny. [rejoins the rest in chanting, the fire builds, and a huge techno-colored dreidel rises out of the fire. A face appears on it]
Kenny: (What the fuck is that?!)
Kyle: [stops long enough to say] That's Moses, stupid! [rejoins the rest in chanting]
Chief elder: Great Moses, we, your most loyal followers, want to thank you a lot for coming.
Moses: The hour of Jewbilee is near. Let all debts be forgiven and all slaves freed. Mwaaaaaaaaaah!
All: Aaaaaaaaaah!
Chief elder: Alright Scouts, let's all show Moses our soap sculptures so that he may rejoice and be pleased. [the Scouts approach Moses one by one, offer their sculptures, and drop them off before him]
Kyle: [steps up and offers his] It's a duck. [Kenny steps up, but he's just starting on his sculpture]
Scene Description: Behind the tree. Garth reads from the Book of Centuries
Elder Garth: "And it was foretold that the spirit of Moses would finally rest when his spirit was imprisoned by Haman in a conch shell of blind faith." Conch shell, like this one, hnee. [produces one from his robes]
Scene Description: Campfire.
Chief elder: Moses, the Squirts have made you tidings of macaroni pictures. They should be here any second. [walks up to Elder Harris] Where the hell are the Squirts? [Elder Harris shrugs] We need those macaroni pictures for Moses right now!
Scene Description: The woods. The Squirt leader is setting a trap for the bear. He places some bait on a tray swinging from a rope as the Squirts hold the rope steady from behind a bush. Then he pours some DED RAT grains onto the bait
Squirt leader: Now, we'll just see how Mr. Bear likes rat poison. [reviews his work] Well now, that'll be enough to kill a stupid bear. Okay, raise the tray! [the Squirts start heaving] Chutzpah badge, here I come. [the bear shows up and growls] Yikes! [runs for the bushes and reaches the Squirts] Okay, here he comes. Easy now. Easy, Squirts. [the bear comes closer, sniffing] Okay, Squirt, lower the tray. [the Squirt begins to lower it] That's it. That's it, you god-damned stupid bearface! [the bear rears up and pounces on the tray, jerking the rope.]
Squirt: Agghhh! [the leader gasps. The Squirt is pulled into the air and lands in the tray] Ah-! [the bear carries him off] Agghhh!
Squirt leader: Jesus! Hell, he got another Squirt!
Ike: Mommy.
Squirt leader: [steps out of the bush with the Squirts] You think you can stop me from getting my chutzpah badge, you stupid bear?! Think again!
Scene Description: Campfire. The Scouts now sing "Kumbaya," a spiritual
All: Kumbaya, my Lord, KumbayaO Lord, Kumbaya
Chief elder: Great and honorable Moses, what do you desire from us, your children?
Moses: I desire... [the elders and the Scouts await anxiously] I desire... macaroni pictures.
Chief elder: Yeh yes, yes, the macaroni pictures are coming right away. Uh, anything else you want from us, O great leader of the people?
Moses: I desire... popcorn necklaces.
Chief elder: You heard him. Get to making popcorn necklaces right away! [the elders and Scouts scatter] All you need is some popcorn, and a needle and thread. [Kenny finishes his sculpture, which is of himself, as the last few Scouts leave. He then offers it and leaves it on the pile]
Moses: Hold! [Kenny stops in his tracks as Kyle looks on. Kenny looks at Moses] There is... an impurity.
Garth: [still behind the tree] Oh no, he's on to me, Haman.
Chief elder: [the Scouts gasp and Kenny droops] An impurity, Moses?
Moses: This child here is not kosher.
Kenny: (Uh-oh.) [Garth looks, curious. Kyle rushes to Kenny's side, and the Scouts move in on them] (Help me, Kyle! What are we gonna do?)
Kyle: Don't worry. I know what to do.
Chief elder: Scout Broflovski, have you defiled Jew Scouts by bringing a non-Hebrew to Jewbilee?! [the Scouts grow angry]
Kyle: Elder, It's not my fault. He told me he was Jewish.
Kenny: (What?!) [the Elders and Scouts approach Kyle and Kenny closer]
Scene Description: Campfire. Some time later...
Chief elder: A non-Jew has infiltrated Jew Scouts and looked upon the face of Moses! He must be dealt with!
Kenny: (I'm telling you, it's Kyle you want. He's the one who tried to get me in here, and you know it.)
Chief elder: You are banished from here. You must leave before the great eating of carrot cake.
Kenny: (What?!)
Kyle: He doesn't get cake?
Moses: No cake for the impurity.
Chief elder: Go now. You do not belong here. [points to the woods. Kenny comes out of the middle of the group and walks towards the woods. Kyle is sad for him. Kenny looks back, then faces forward and walks on]
Moses: [spins around and around] Aaggghhh! [the others turn to see what's happening]
Elder Garth: [prostrated, with conch in hand] Infatu camdavid. David hakum ba'ikan shtud!
Chief elder: Elder, what are you doing?!
Elder Garth: [now standing with hands outstretched] Shtud balaa shtud inca inca brusht!
Elder Harris: He's reading from the Book of Haman!
Elder Garth: Enter the conch shell, Moses! [thrusts the shell forward]
Moses: [spins and shrinks to fit in the shell] Eo! Eh! Diu! [disappears into the shell]
Elder Garth: And there you shall stay, trapped for all eternity!
Chief elder: Elder, what have you done?
Elder Garth: I told you, the meteor shower is the time of Haman! I am running Jewbilee now!
Elder: [from Orientation] Release Moses, now!
Elder Garth: [pulls out a gun] I don't think so. [all gasp]
Scout: When do we get to eat carrot cake?
Elder Garth: Now... All of you into that building, or I shoot you where you stand!
Chief Elder: Elder, you cannot mean-
Elder Garth: Move! [drives them towards the building. Kenny peeks out from behind a tree. Garth follows the last of the Scouts to the door, closes it, and padlocks it. He descends the steps and heads for the campfire as the others look on through the window, frightened] Now! Now, Haman, your time has come!
Kyle: Dude, what the hell is going on?!
Chief elder: If he summons Haman, we will all be destroyed.
Kenny: (Oh no!)
Scene Description: Woods. The Squirts still march
Squirt leader: We are Jew Squirts, we know JewishStick stick smiley smiley Stick stick smiley smileydur dur dur dur dur-Hold it, Squirts! This is where we'll set our trap. Everyone remember your squadron. Alpha-5 and Gamma-7 will be on recon teams. Alpha will take left flank and flush the bear out of sector three. Once we're in position, I want constant contact between all squad leaders. We'll flush him out and we'll attack him! [the bear comes up silently and snatches another Squirt]
Squirt: Agh! Agghh! [the bear rushes away]
Squirt leader: [not missing a beat] Remember, this is only a bear. All we have to do is stick together, and we can spend the rest of the night making bear sandwiches! [turns and counts his troop] Where's Zigmal?
Ike: No.
Squirt leader: God-damnit! You stupid god-damned son of a bear, you've taken your last Squirt! Do you hear me?!
Scene Description: Campfire. Elder Garth is kneeling before it, summoning Haman.
Elder Garth: And the Ancient One looked upon Haman as the new leader of the people! [clouds roll in and the winds whip Elder Garth's hair around] And it was the night that stars flew around the sky! [the meteor shower goes by] Yes! Yess!!
Chief elder: If he summons Haman, it will be the end of everything we hold dear.
Scout: I wanna go home.
Scene Description: The road. Kenny walks along the curb, then sees reflections of headlights in front of him. He turns to see a car coming and tries to stop it
Kenny: (Stop!) [a red car speeds by. Kenny watches it leave, then hears more vehicles coming] (Officer Barbrady, I really need to talk to you!) [Barbrady and the ATF speed by as well] (Shit!)
Scene Description: The woods. The Squirt leader takes the Squirts back to camp.
Squirt leader: That bear thinks he can outsmart me! Well, I'm not gonna let a stupid bear get the- [gasp] Hold! Look over there! [a figure resembling a Squirt stands alone in a clearing in front of a cliff] It's one of the Squirts the bear took. Maybe he's okay. [takes the Squirts over to the figure to make sure. They arrive, only to see a straw Squirt - straw dressed in a Squirt uniform. The Squirt leader looks at the straw Squirt long and hard before deciding] It's a trap!! [jumps out of the way as a net descends and traps the rest of the Squirts. The full net rises to a high branch; the bear comes to the edge of the cliff and carries it away] Damn! Damn, damn, damn! Okay, bear, that does it! You wanna kill all the Squirts?! You can have 'em! I give up! I don't need my chutzpah badge, or Jew Scouts, or any of this crap! Forget it!
Scene Description: The campfire. The meteor shower continues
Elder Garth: Let the New Tide turn! Let Haman rule his people once again!
Chief elder: No! [Kenny walks into the camp again]
Elder Garth: We await your return, Haman! [Kenny stops to see Elder Garth at work] Your passage is safe from the enemies!
Kenny: [the bear finds him and carries him off] (Aghh!)
Scene Description: The building. The chief elder tries to burst through the door, but fails
Chief Elder: It's hopeless.
Elder: Haman will be summoned and we will be forced to obey him, or die. [the Scouts are scared]
Elder Harris: Uh I'm fine with obeying.
Elder: Yeah, obeying should work out swell. [!]
Kyle: Don't worry, you guys. He forgot about Kenny. Kenny will help us.
Elder 2: How?
Kyle: Kenny will find a way.
Scene Description: The bear cave. The bear brings Kenny in.
Kenny: (Haaarrrrrh!) [the bear drops him off and leaves the cave] (Huh?)
Squirt: Hey, welcome to the party. [Kenny studies the scene] See this li'l bear cub? It's his birthday.
Squirt 2: Yeah, so his mommy brought us all over to play with him.
Bear cub: Mrar.
Kenny: (Aww.) [the momma bear comes and licks a Squirt's face, and the Squirt laughs] (Okay, you guys, we've gotta get back to the camp and... [indistinct chatter])
Squirt: They are? Uh oh.
Kenny: (Come on, Squirts, we gotta run! We're already god-damned late!)
Squirt: Come on, Squirts. We have to help them.
All: Yeah! [everyone, including the cub, races out of the cave]
Scene Description: The camp. The Squirt leader returns alone
Squirt leader: Elder Schwartz, I lost the Squirts! I lost all the Squirts! [no answer] Well, screw you too! I don't need your Chutzpah badge anyway! Hello? [in the building behind him, heads rise from under the window sill]
Elder Schwartz: [the chief elder] Shlomo, get us out of here!
Shlomo: [Squirt leader] What the geez? [turns and walked towards the hostages] What are you guys doing in there?
Elder Schwartz: Get the keys and unlock the door! [the Scouts jump up and down]
Schlomo: What?!
Elder Schwartz: [now points] Get the keys and unlock the door!
Schlomo: [doesn't understand what Schwartz is saying, but gives his own news] I lost the Squirts! [Elder Garth appears behind him]
Elder Schwartz: Look out!
Schlomo: Huh? [turns to face Garth]
Elder Garth: Don't move!
Schlomo: [backs up quick] Oh, Jiminy gravy, what is this??
Elder Garth: It's the summoning of Haman, fool! The awakening of a new kingdom, heeheh!
Schlomo: You can't wake Haman. What would Moses say?
Elder Garth: Moses is trapped for all eternity in the conch of blind faith!
Schlomo: [sees the shell and dives for it] Oh, no you don't! [grabs it, but Farth shoots him. The bullet grazes Schlomo's right shoulder, which he then covers with his left hand, dropping the shell] Ooowww!!
Elder Garth: Enough of this waste of time! [turns and goes back to the campfire. Once there, he reaches for the Book of Haman] Haman! The Great Summoning is done! Upon these words let your spirit come! Einich! Hos!
Elder Schwartz: It is lost.
Elder Garth: Zayak. Kareem! [Kenny comes up behind him]
Kenny: (Woohoo!) [takes off with the book]
Elder Garth: Hey, give that back! [chases Kenny into the woods. The Squirts line up before the window where the hostages await]
Elder Schwartz: It's the Squirts.
Kyle: Go, Ike!
Elder Schwartz: Unlock the door, Squirts! The keys are up there.
Elder Harris: They'll never reach.
Squirt: Squirts, fall in. Chinese formation. [the Squirts hurry and climb up one on top of another to form a human pillar]
Scene Description: The woods. Elder Garth catches up to Kenny
Elder Garth: Give me that book! [knocks Kenny down]
Kenny: (Ow!) [gives up the book, and Garth kicks him]
Elder Garth: Haman will deal with you! [kicks him again]
Kenny: (Ow!)
Scene Description: The camp. The Squirts have finished the pillar, with Ike at the very top. Ike gets the key and the pillar falls apart to form two rows of four Squirts each, and Ike alone at the top of the steps. He jumps up to the padlock and unlocks it. He then removes the lock. The door opens and everyone inside pours out. Elder Harris moves out into the open
Elder Harris: Oh, no. It's too late!
Elder Garth: Ramek shtud! [lightning strikes the ground. Nearby, the bear returns and gets the conch shell. She moves away, only to take it to Kenny, who receives it. The bear growls and leaves. Meteors continue to shower down as a black cloud with a pair of red eyes appears among the gathering clouds]
Kyle: What is that?
Elder Schwartz: It is Haman.
Elder Garth: Yes! Yes! [Kenny tries to break the conch shell open on a rock, then against the tree, but it doesn't break]
Haman: Free! Free to punish those that imprisoned me!
Elder Garth: [now prostrate before Haman] Haman! It's me, Garth! I freed you!
Kyle: Look! [Kenny comes into the clearing and throws the shell against the snow several times.]
Kenny: (It's okay, I'll use my head!) [faces the shell and throws his head back]
Kyle: Kenny! Noooooo!
Kenny: (Heeeeeyah! Ugh-!) [the headbutt opened the shell alright, but Kenny falls back on his side as Moses comes out of the broken shell]
Haman: Moses! Nooo!
Elder Garth: Nooo! Eheh. Nooo! [Moses rises into the sky, absorbs Haman, and reclaims his place above the campfire. Elder Garth turns to face him again] Moses. Uh I, I apologize for any inconvenience, eheh. Uh yuh you see, I was just uh-
Moses: Die! [lightning comes out of both his eyes and nukes Garth until Garth explodes]
Elder Garth: No! Aaagghhh! Ooww..! [poof]
All: [gathering] Hooray!
Kyle: Kenny! [runs to Kenny, who now lies in a pool of blood. The others follow]
Elder Harris: That blow to his head must have killed him.
Elder Carn: He saved us. He saved all the Jews.
Kyle: You know, I think we all learned something today. It's fine to have your own beliefs and your own traditions, but as soon as you start excluding people from your ways, only because of their race, you become separatists. And being a separatist sucks ass.
Elder Harris: We've learned a lot from you and your great friend, Kenny.
Moses: [joins them next to Kenny] Every year we shall gather here in this special place and bring Kenny tidings of soap sculptures and macaroni pictures.
Elder Harris: Yes.
Moses: And those little shaker things where... you put beans inside of paper plates that are glued together.
Elder Harris: Paper-plate bean shakers.
Moses: And let us put patterns of glue on the outside of those paper plates so we can then pour glitter on them so they can look nice and sparkly.
Elder Schwartz: You heard him, Scouts! Let's get to work!


Scene Description: A bustling scene on a dock. A large lake is behind the dock, a stage is off to the left, and the whole place is being dressed for Halloween. Beyond the lake, a lighthouse looks over the scene. At center is a booth for a radio station. The camera moves in
DJ: [with classic 1970's big hair] We're here live at the KOZY 102.1 Halloween Haunt at the South Park docks! Come on down! We've got a haunted house [Chef finished pinning a banner on the top right corner of the stage] and everyone is decorating for tomorrow night, [one man pins a rubber bat to a shack roof, another walks past with a jack-o-lantern] HALLOWEEN, when the band KoRn, that's right, KoRn, is going to play live! And don't forget to wear a costume tomorrow, because there's a big first prize! Why, here's some kids enjoying the Halloween Haunt now! [Kenny, Kyle, and Stan walk past, but turn to face the DJ] Say boys, what do you think of KOZY-FM's Halloween Haunt so far? [lowers the boom mic to Stan]
Stan: This one time, like eight months ago, I saw two guys kissing in a park. And that was the gayest thing I'd ever seen, until I saw the KOZY-FM Halloween Haunt. [turns and walks away with Kyle and Kenny]
DJ: Uh-hall right! Well, enjoy the spooky docks, kids.
Scene Description: Further down the dock. The boys keep walking, and Cartman runs up to meet them
Cartman: Hey you guys! [they stop] You know what time of year it is?
Kyle: Of course, dumbass, it's Halloween.
Cartman: That's right, and that means only two more months till Christmas! You'd better watch out, you'd better not cry-
Stan: Christmas?
Cartman: -Christmastime is presents for me.
Scene Description: On another part of the dock, Jimbo and Ned leave a ticket booth
Jimbo: Aw, nuts! Come on, Ned, this ain't no whore house, it's a hor-ROR house.
Guests in line: Awwww! [all leave. The boys walk by]
Cartman: Eeyyy [Kyle stops, the others walk away], Spooky Laboratory, you guys. ["THIS WAY TO SPOOKY LABORATORY" The entrance doors are stained with blood]
Kyle: [annoyed] Those things are stupid, Cartman. They just stick your hand in cold spaghetti and tell you it's intestines and stuff.
Cartman: Well, I'm going to Spooky Laboratory! [throws open the doors and enters] Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells...
Guide: Welcome to Spooky Laboratory. [pulls out a blindfold and puts it over Cartman's eyes] I'm your guide, Dr. Spookalot. Allow me to show around the lab. [leads him to a table on which is a bowl of eggs and a bowl of lime Jell-o cubes]
Cartman: Cool!
Dr. Spookalot: [helps him up to a chair] Here I have a bowl of human eyeballs.
Cartman: [rolls his fingers around the eggs] Ewww-hoohooo.
Dr. Spookalot: [switches bowls] And here you can feel the brains.
Cartman: [rolls his fingers through the lime Jell-o cubes] Oh-HO, grohoss.
Dr. Spookalot: [leads him to an ass] And here you can feel the warm innards of the body [Cartman reaches into the ass's ass and the ass looks surprised]
Cartman: Eewww, it feels like cold spaghetti! You guys, it feels like cold spaghetti!
Scene Description: Stan, Kyle, and Kenny walk past a shack on which hangs a banner: "COSTUME CONTEST TOMORROW"
Kenny: (You guys, I'm gonna try and win that costume contest!)
Kyle: [two older boys peek out from behind some boxes, then drop down] Give it up, Kenny! You're not gonna win that costume contest! Your costumes always suck. [the boy with his picture on the shirt pops out and faces them]
Boy in green shirt: BOO!
Stan, Kyle, Kenny: Aaaaah! [they turn and run around in circles]
Boy in green shirt: Ha ha ha ha ha! We scared you, chickens!
Stan: W-we weren't scared!
Boy in green shirt: Oh no? Well, you should be! [walks towards them] The pirate ghosts are gonna come getcha!
Kyle: The what?
Boy in green shirt: Didn't you know? There's an old legend in South Park that says these docks are haunted by pirate ghosts.
Kyle: Nuh-uh.
Boy in green shirt: Yuh-huh. They roam these docks with their swords and hook-hands [molds his left hand into a hook] looking for victims tuh... [swipes it through the air] cut up!
Kenny: [Kyle gasps] (Hoh!)
Stan: That's just an old legend.
Pirate Ghost cutout: [pops up] Rar!
Stan, Kyle, Kenny: Aaaaah! [they turn and run around in circles]
Boy in green shirt: [the cutout drops to reveal another friend] Ha ha ha ha, gotcha again, heh ha ha! [both his friends flank him now] Just wait till tomorrow! We're gonna scare you kids to death! Ha ha ha haa! [the three move away]
Cartman: [arrives] You guys, my hand totally smells like spaghetti now. Smell it. [starts sniffing it]
Stan: I'm sick of those fifth graders scaring us all the time! We should come up with a way to scare them!
Kyle: Yeah! Let's see how they like it!
Scene Description: The KOZY-FM booth. The DJ is joined by the town's priest
DJ: Joining me now is Father Maxi, from the South Park Church. Father, what do you think of all the preparations here at the docks?
Priest Maxi: Halloween is an abomination of God! A celebration of the occult-eh!
DJ: Yeah, and how about KoRn playing the big concert tomorrow? Pretty exciting, huh?
Priest Maxi: KoRn is a devil-worshiping group that plays violent music! If we allow that demon band to play on this most unholy of holidays, we may incur the full wrath of evil!
DJ: Alriight, we'll see you tomorrow for Halloween! In the meantime [suddenly soft] here's a KOZY hit by Barry Manilow.
Scene Description: The lake. The boys are still on the docks...
Stan: Come on, you guys, think! How can we scare the fifth graders? It has to be something reeaally scary.
Cartman: We could get a big scary plastic spider, and dangle it in front of them on a string... s- spooky spider, that's pretty scary.
Kyle: That's not scary, fatass!
Stan: Well, come on! We can think of something better than stupid pirate ghosts! [all turn left and walk off. As they walk towards the shore, they pass a shack. After they pass, three pirate ghosts peek out from behind the shack, scowling]
Pirate Ghosts: Darrrr!
Scene Description: The woods. A van rumbles down a road. On the side it reads, "KoRn." Several men inside it talk
Jonathan: Are you sure we're goin' the right way?
David: I don't know. This map doesn't make any sense.
Head: That's because you've got it upside down, chowderhead! [canned laughter]
David: [spins the map around and realizes his error] Oops.
Fieldy: When are we gonna get to the gig? I'm starving.
Jonathan: Don't think about it. We'll just keep playing our game. Ready? I spy with my little eye something that begins with the letter T!
Munky: I know! A t-ree!
Jonathan: You've got it. I spy with my little eye something that begins with the letter R.
David: A road?
Jonathan: That's it! [they pass the South Park Docks sign, and then the three pirate ghosts show up to watch]
Pirates: Darrrr!
Scene Description: further down the road...
Jonathan: Okay, here's one. I spy with my little eye something that begins with the letter P.
Head: The letter P?
Fieldy: What the heck starts with the letter P?
Jonathan: [trembling] Puh-pirate ghosts! [the ghosts appear in front of the van]
All: Aaaaah! [the van swerves left to avoid the ghosts, but ends up going over a hillside. It finally settles upside down at the foot of the hill]
Scene Description: The Cartman house. Cartman walks towards the sofa with a catalog in hand
Cartman: Mom! You got the new Duffy's catalog! I-I'm gonna circle everything I want for Christmas, okay? Mom? Okay? O-kay [sits on the sofa], let's see. [softly] I waant... thiis... aand... this... [a truck] and... [flips the page] let's see, comes with so... [the Phillip doll. The doorbell rings] ...comes with two bars [circles the boxed doll], so there we go, have that... [a door opens in the background] and, let's see...
Liane: [walks up to him] Eric, your little friends are here.
Cartman: [excited, motions with the catalog] Mom, mom! You wanna see what I want for Christmas?
Liane: E-heric, it's only Halloween.
Cartman: That's only 72 shopping days left for you!
Stan: [walks up with Kyle and Kenny] Come on, fatass, we have to go!
Cartman: Ey! Don't call me fat! [Liane starts to giggle. Cartman is hurt] Mom, don't laugh.
Liane: I'm sorry, hon,
Cartman: [to his friends] I can't go with you guys right now.
Stan: Yes you can, porky. [Liane giggles again]
Cartman: Mom, seriously! [her giggles die down]
Liane: Oh, that's not funny, boys. Eric isn't fat, he's big-boned.
Kyle: He must have a huge bone in his ass, then. [Liane bursts out laughing]
Cartman: God-damnit, mom!
Scene Description: Outside, night. The boys head out and away
Cartman: [closes the door] God, I hate you guys!
Stan: Okay, so we figured out how to scare the fifth graders.
Cartman: How?
Stan: What's the scariest thing we could get?
Cartman: [quietly] Spooky spider?
Stan: No! [turns, then says gravely] A dead body.
Kyle: Yeah, fatass, a dead body.
Cartman: You mean, we make something that looks like a dead body?
Stan: We could never make one that looks real enough. [his voice lowers] To be really scary, it would have to be real.
Kyle: Yeah, fatass, it has to be real to be scary!
Cartman: So where the hell are we going to get a dead body?
Stan: [voice low] We're gonna dig up Kyle's dead grandma.
Kyle: Yeah, fatass, we're gonna dig up- [stops] Dig up Kyle's dead grandma??
Stan: [appeasing] Dude, she's perfect. She only died, like, three months ago, right?
Kyle: Are you insane?!
Cartman: U-hi think that's a sweet idea!
Kenny: (Yeah!)
Kyle: Dude! We're not digging up my grandma; I'll get in trouble.
Stan: All we have to do is sneak in the graveyard, dig her up, scare the fifth graders, then put her back before anyone notices she's gone,
Kyle: [uneasy] Naww, let's dig up somebody else.
Stan: Relax, dude. What's the big deal? Think about it: if your grandma knew that she could help you, even in death, she would want to.
Cartman: This is gonna be fun!
Scene Description: The graveyard. Spooky music and a howling wolf punctuate the foggy atmosphere as a full moon rises. Kyle leads the way with a flashlight. Cartman is singing
Cartman: Just hear those sleigh bells jingle-in', ring ting tingle-in' tooOutside it's lovely weather for a sleigh ride together with you, and you, and you.
Stan: Cartman, will you stop singing Christmas carols? We have to be quiet, or else we're gonna get busted!
Kyle: [shines his light on a tombstone] This must be it. "Cleo Broflovski" That's my grandma. [turns off the light. The boys have a moment of silence]
Stan: Well, let's dig 'er up! [walks to the grave and jabs his shovel in]
Kyle: Wait. I don't know if this is cool.
Stan: Of course it's cool! She's gonna be all rotted and scary!
Kyle: I don't think my mom would want me doin' this.
Cartman: [taunting] "Ooh, I don't wanna dig up my dead grandma 'cause I'm such a goody-two-shoes!" [Kyle smacks him with the shovel] Ow.
Stan: You guys be quiet! Now, do you wanna get back at the fifth graders or not?!
Kyle: I don't really care, dude.
Stan: Yes you do! Now, dig! [all four begin to dig]
Cartman: Outside the snow is falling and friends are calling, "You-hoo"...
Scene Description: Later. The casket is now vertical, leaning against the tombstone
Stan: Okay. It's almost open. Ready? One, two, three! [they pry the door open, and then jump back and peer in] Whoa, dude.
Kyle: Oh, my God. [the corpse sways to the right, against the casket wall] Hi, ...Grandma.
A voice: Hi, Kyle.
Kyle: [hops back] Aaaah!
Cartman: [providing the voice] Have you been a good boy, Kyle? Have you been making Grandma proud?
Kyle: Damnit, Cartman, that's not funny!
Stan: [chuckling] Eheh, yes, it ihis, heh.
Cartman: Heh heh, I'm sweet.
Kyle: Alright, alright, let's get this over with so we can put her back!
Stan: Okay, grab the sled. [Kenny goes and pulls it up. The others stand aside. When the sled abuts the casket, Cartman pulls at the corpse with his shovel, and it falls forward onto the sled]
Scene Description: The docks. A dog is sniffing at the boards, then raises his head. He growls and runs off stage left. The boys come in from the other side pulling the corpse, and Cartman sings
Cartman: Silver Bells, Silver Bells, it's Christmas time in the city...
Stan: Okay. Let's just hide her here, and tomorrow, during the Halloween party, we'll come back in our costumes and use her to scare the fifth graders.
Kyle: How exactly are we gonna use her to scare them?
Cartman: We could shove a stick up her ass and use her like a puppet: "Rowr, rowr, I'm scary Grandma!"
Kyle: Alright, that does it, Cartman! That's my grandma! You show her some God-damned respect!
Male voice: [off screen] O-o-o-o-oh. [thunderclaps. The boys are afraid.]
Stan: Who was that?
Kyle: Cartman?!
Cartman: It wasn't me! [camera pans to the corpse]
Male voice: Who-o-oa.
Stan: Dude, not cool. This is scary. [Some rustling, and a member of KoRn shows up]
The Boys: Wa-a-a-ah!
Munky: Hey! Like, it's just some kids.
Jonathan: Oh, fwooh, I was really scared there, for a second.
Stan: Hay, you're that band KoRn.
Jonathan: Yeah. I'm Jonathan [with the high forehead], and this is Munky [with chiseled looks], David [with thick eyebrows], Fieldy [short, with white cap], and Head [with dreadlocks]. And over there is our pal, Nibblet. [the mates look around] Hey, where'd Nibblet go?
Nibblet: [a yellow bird with curled antennae and a great wing span ripping into a bag of chips] Uh-huh, Nibblet likes potato chips.
KoRn: Nibblet!
Nibblet: [stops] Okay.
Stan: What are you guys doing out here?
Head: We were just driving our van when all of a sudden we were run off the road by some super-spooky pirate ghosts.
Stan: Aw, dude, that was just the fifth graders.
Kyle: Yeah. They're tryin' to scare everybody 'cause they're gay wads.
Stan: Don't worry. We're about to go get 'em back.
Jonathan: Oh, swell. We're supposed to play here tomorrow. Do you know where the stage is?
Stan: [points to it] Yeah, dude. It's right over there.
KoRn: O-kay! [they walk away and pass by the priest, who is nailing a post into place: "Halloween is Anti-God." He stops.]
Jonathan: Oh, hi. We're KoRn. We're supposed to play the Halloween concert tomorrow.
Priest Maxi: I know who you are and what you stand for! I think your music and Halloween is an abomination!
Jonathan: Groovy! Could you show us where to set up?
Scene Description: The boys walk a little further, and Cartman pulls the sled over to one side of a stack of boxes
Stan: Alright, let's just set her over here behind these boxes. [Cartman hides the body behind the boxes]
Kyle: Shouldn't we hide her better than that?
Stan: Kyle, will you stop worrying? God! Now, we'll all be back here tomorrow with our costumes, and then, when the Halloween party gets going, we'll bust out dead Grandma! Let's go! [they start walking away]
Kyle: Wait till you guys see my costume! It's gonna be sweet!
Kenny: (Mine is so fuckin' badass it's gotta win now!)
Cartman: Oh, come on, Kenny! You never have a sweet costume! You're not gonna win the costume contest!
Kenny: (Yes I am! I've got the costume; it's waiting in the house! Yesterday I got this huge package in the mail, and it was big, okay?) [The dog returns and sniffs the body from a distance. It approaches slowly, sniffing. Then it lifts the covering and drags the body away.]
Scene Description: The next day. Two uniformed men approach the Broflovski house. One of them rings the bell.
Sheila: Hold on, kids. [grabs the candy bowl next to the door and opens the door with it in hand]
Brunet: Mrs. Broflovski?
Sheila: Yes?
Brunet: We're from Mt. Peaceful Cemetery. Could we have a word with you?
Sheila: Eehh, sure, come in. [they follow her in and sit on the sofa. She takes the armchair, and they look at each other] What is it?
Brunet: Ms. Broflovski... somebody has defiled your mother's grave.
Sheila: Defiled? How?
Blond: Well, I'm afraid that... somebody dug her up.
Sheila: Dug her up? Why??
Brunet: Well. The- most likely reason is that... somebody wanted to have sex with her dead body.
Blond: Yeahp.
Sheila: What?!
Brunet: Uhuh, we don't want to upset you, but it happens. Somebody's probably making love to her corpse as we speak.
Blond: Every vile position, every disrespectful act imaginable.
Sheila: Hoh, dear God!
Brunet: Yes. By now he's probably even removed her eyes and made love to the empty sockets as well.
Sheila: [sadly rubs her eyes] Oooh.
Blond: No-, we don't want to upset you, but you should know that your mother's body would be stiff and dry, so he would have to have it soaked in warm water for several hours before making love to it.
Sheila: [helplessly] O-o-o-o-oh!
Brunet: Yes. And, now for the difficult part.
Blond: Brace yourself.
Brunet: It is highly possible that he has created new orifices in her decomposing flesh, leaving her to look something like - an overloved hunk of Swiss cheese. She probably-
Sheila: Okay, okay! I get the point! Just tell me what you're gonna do about it!
Brunet: ...Do?
Blond: Oh, we don't do anything. We're just the watchmen.
Brunet: Yeah, I guess, maybe, you might wanna call the police or something.
Sheila: O-o-ogh! [gets up and walks away. The men just sit there]
Brunet: [to the blond] Now, he probably would make love to the dead body in a cool dry place, so as not to allow further decomposition. [the blond indicates he's thinking by placing his index finger to his lips]
Scene Description: The Cartman house. A delivery man walks towards it with a package and rings the bell. Cartman answers
Delivery Man: Package delivery for Mrs. Cartman?
Cartman: A package? Oh, really? Well, I think I can sign for that!
Delivery Man: Sign heah, and heah, and heah. [Cartman signs and the delivery man goes away. Cartman closes the door and dances with glee]
Cartman: I got a Christmas present! I got a Christmas present! [stops] ...Maybe I can see what it is. I'll just open one little corner. [lifts up a corner of the wrapping] Let's see here. [yanks the wrapping off and away] That's good, I'll rewrap it later! [the box reads, "LIFESIZED Blow-Up ANTONIO BANDERAS LOVE DOLL. WITH REALISTIC GENITALIA"] Oh, sweet! Life-sized blow-up Antonio Banderas love doll! With realistic geni-ta-lia. [takes the doll out] Oh, this kicks ass! What a cool Christmas present my mom got! [blows it up through the penis]
Scene Description: The lake. The docks are bustling again, and the DJ is in his booth
DJ: It's Halloween day, so come on down to the docks and bring your costumes! [a ghost and Ultraman walk by while a joker stands next to the boxes. Stan and Kyle are nearby in their costumes]
Stan: [a cowboy sheriff in white] Where's Kenny? He said he had the best Halloween costume ever. [Kyle is a clown in a yellow jacket]
Cartman: [walks up with the doll and jingles] Nyah nyahnyahnyah nyah nyah. Guess wha-at I got? Antonio Banderas blow-up doll. You guys didn't get one.
Stan: Where's your costume, fatass?
Cartman: Screw Halloween, I already got my Christmas present! In a few days I'll wrap it back up, and then when I open it on Christmas, I'll act all, like, surprised, like "Oh Mother, Antonio Banderas life-sized blow-up doll! What a surprise!" [heavy machinery is heard, and the boys look up to see an ED-209 unit walking towards them. It stops, turns, and settles into place]
Stan: Hey, Kenny.
Kenny: (Hey, guys. Uh, check out this kick-ass cool costume.)
Cartman: U-huh, nice costume, Kenny. If you think you're gonna win with that, huh!
Stan: [rushes his friends along] Alright. The fifth graders are gonna be here soon. Let's get Kyle's grandma! [Cartman goes for the sled] This is gonna be sweet
Cartman: [pulls out the sled, but the body is gone] Uuh, problem, guys.
Stan: What's the problem?
Cartman: Nno Grandma.
Kyle: No Grandma??
Cartman: Nno Grandma.
Kyle: [turns and reaches the sled. Stan turns as well] She's not here!
Stan: She has to be here! [Kenny meanders]
Kyle: Well, she's not here! That's just great! Thanks a lot, Stan! You're gonna get me busted again!
Scene Description: City Hall, outside. Officer Barbrady stands behind a podium addressing the crowd
Barbrady: Okay, people. I know we all want to get down to the docks for the Halloween Haunt, but first we just need to inform you about thee- people or persons out there digging up bodies to have sex with them. Gentlemen? [leaves. The watchmen step up]
Brunet: Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. A person who steals bodies to have sex with them is called a necrophiliac. So that you all know what to expect, my partner Alan has a sketch of what having sex with a dead body might look like. [Alan shows the sketch]
Crowd: Ee-oooh!
Brunet: Yes, we know it's horrible. It's probably best you not look at it. Now, Alan will demonstrate what having sex with a dead body might sound like. [Alan pulls out a jar of mayonnaise and jams his fist into it, proceeding to simulate the act. He begins to look surprised at what he's doing as his arm gets covered with mayonnaise]
Crowd: Awwwgh! [Alan continues]
Man: Excuse me, how is this helping?
Barbrady: That's it, folks. Now, we can all go to the docks and enjoy the Halloween Haunt.
Pirate voice: Noo! Don't go to the docks! [the camera looks up to see a pirate ghost floating outside the Mayor's office] Aarrrgh! [the crowd gasps and screams] Argh, I'm Captain Bly! You land-lubbers had better stay away from the docks! Or else, there'll be hell to pay! [the crowd is afraid. Women scream] Fire the cannon! [a pirate ship appears high above the road, and a cannon goes off. The ball lands amid the crowd and leaves a crater. Bodies are strewn all over] Har harharharhar! [the crowd disperses. A couple runs into another pirate ghost]
Pirate Ghost 2: Arrrgh! [slices their heads off with his sword]
Captain Bly: We won't warn ya again! Stay away from our docks! [the pirates and their ship disappear]
Priest Maxi: [rushed to the podium] I warned you! I told you this would happen! [survivors sit up and begin to look his way] When you allow bands like KoRn to come to town and play your hedonistic Halloween concerts, this is what you get!
Scene Description: The docks. KoRn is practicing on stage.
Jonathan: Great rehearsal, gang. That was really groovy. Let's practice one more time before the show starts.
DJ: Aah, guys, I'm sorry, but the Halloween Haunt's been cancelled.
Jonathan: Cancelled?
DJ: You best clear out of here! There's pirate ghosts, and they'll kill you. [leaves]
Jonathan: Well gang, it looks like we have to pack it up.
The Others: Awww. [Stan and friends walk towards the stage]
Kyle: God-damnit! Now, what the hell are we gonna do?!
Munky: Oh, hey! The kids from last night.
Head: Wow! Is that the Antonio Banderas life-sized blow-up doll? [Kenny catches up with his friends]
David: Hey, Kenny.
Kenny: [frustrated] (Aw, man!) [he can't impress anyone]
Jonathan: Say, what's the matter? You kids look kind of glum.
Kyle: Somebody took my dead grandma.
Fieldy: What?
Stan: We dug her up 'cause we wanted to scare the fifth graders, but then, something took her body away.
Kyle: Now she's doomed to walk the earth in limbo. [starts to sob]
Fieldy: Aw, I hate to see little clowns cry.
Jonathan: Well, that does it. Somethin' funny is going on here. Your missing grandma must be connected somehow to those creepy pirate ghosts.
David: They're not pirate ghosts, Jonathan, they're ghost pirates.
Jonathan: Huh?
David: "Pirate ghost" would suggest that a pirate died, and became a ghost, but a ghost pirate is a ghost that later made a conscious decision to be a pirate.
Munky: No, David. Then they are pirate ghosts, because they're the ghosts of pirates.
Fieldy: You're wrong, because there were no pirates in Colorado. So these must be ghosts that have decided to become pirates after the fact.
Jonathan: But that makes them pirate ghosts.
David: No. It makes them ghost pirates.
Munky: Pirate ghosts!
Head: Guys! Guys! Guys! Fighting isn't gonna solve anything. Don't you see? This is exactly what those ghost pirates want us to do.
Jonathan: Pirate ghosts.
Kyle: Then, you'll help us?
Jonathan: Sure, we'll help you. If there's one thing we like more than playing music, it's solvin' a groovy mystery.
The Boys: Al-right!
Scene Description: City Hall. People are still laying on floor. Chef arrives
Chef: Is everybody okay?
Sheila: [people gather around Chef] People stealing bodies to have sex with them? Pirate ghosts destroying the town? When did everything go so wrong?
Gerald: I hate to say it, but I think Priest Maxi was right. This is what we get for celebrating Halloween and allowing that band KoRn to come play.
Mr. Garrison: He's right! Nothin' ever went wrong in this town before that evil KoRn band showed up.
Sharon: Well, I say we go find them and kick their devil-worshiping butts out of town!
Crowd: Yeah! [various exclamations follow]
Randy: Lynch mob! [torches and pitch forks appear and the crowd begins to move]
Man: Down with KoRn!
Scene Description: Halloween night, the docks. KoRn and the boys are still talking...
Jonathan: So this is where you last saw your dead grandma.
Kyle: Right. [Kenny walks along the shore way in the background]
Stan: Maybe there really are pirate ghosts and they took her inside.
Jonathan: Alright, gang, we have to split up and look for clues.
Stan: How should we split up?
Jonathan: I know. Let's have everyone who enjoys having obstacles in their life, which they can overcome, go this way, [points to his right] and everyone whose insecurities sabotage their potential to overcome those obstacles go that way. [points to his left]
KoRn: O-kay! [the groups separates in two. In the secure group are Stan, Kyle, Jonathan, Munky, and Fieldy. In the insecure group are Cartman, Kenny, David, and Head]
Kyle: Wow! That was easy.
Scene Description: The lynch mob reaches the docks and head for the van. Randy reaches it first.
Randy: [excitedly] Here's their van! Here's their van!
Woman: Let's flip it over!
Some Folks: Yeah!
Barbrady: [moves to intervene] Okay, people, let's try to stay orderly. The best way to do this is, all get on one side and push it from the top. [the crowd moves in and starts pushing. Even Barbrady participates]
Man: Devil worshipers! [the van tips over]
Crowd: Yeah!
Man 2: Come on, they gotta be around here somewhere!
Scene Description: A warehouse. The secure group walks along with Nibblet. Munky is not with them.
Stan: This place gives me the creeps.
Jonathan: Say, this looks like a clue. [picks up a book: "Pirate Lore of South Park, By A.R.R. Robbins"] "Pirate Lore of South Park." Hmmm. Now, why would pirate ghosts need a book on pirates? [something metallic falls]
Kyle: Whoa. What was that?
Jonathan: The noise came from in here. Stay close, everybody! [opens a door and goes in. The rest follow]
Fieldy: [runs into a supporting pole] Oh, no! I lost my glasses.
Scene Description: The insecure group walks in a darkened part of the warehouse. Munky is in that group now.
Head: What does this dead grandma look like?
Cartman: Uh, she was all, like, crunchy and crispy and stuff.
David: Hey, I got an idea. [all stop] We should set a groovy trap.
Munky: Good idea.
Cartman: How do we trap a bunch of pirate ghosts?
David: We need something that might catch their eye to use as bait. I know, your Antonio Banderas love doll.
Cartman: [holds the doll tight] Oh, no! This is my Christmas present! If anything happens to it, my mom will know I opened it early!
Munky: Come on, kid. We all have to do our part, even Antonio.
Scene Description: The lit side of the warehouse. Fieldy is still looking for his glasses
Fieldy: My glasses gotta be around here somewhere. [a peg-legged pirate ghost appears next to him] Is that you, Jonathan? Boy, I'm glad to see you. I lost my glasses.
Peg-leg: Raaarrrgh!
Fieldy: Hey, you got a cold, Jonathan?
Peg-leg: Raarraarrgh! [canned laughter]
Fieldy: Yeah, that sounds like a groovy song, man! Remember that one! [more canned laughter]
Jonathan: [from the other end of the room] Fieldy, what are you doing?!
Fieldy: [turns to face him] Oh, I was talking to you, Jonathan. ...Hey, wait a minute. If you're over there, then how could you be over here? Unless you're actually a...
All: Puh-puuhh pirate ghost! [all scatter]
Peg-leg: Raaarrrgh!
Scene Description: The darkened part of the warehouse. The trap is set
David: Okay. Here's how the trap will work. When the pirate ghosts walk in, they should go right for Antonio Banderas. [the camera now follows the trap as David describes it] When they hit the super-slippery floor, they'll slide onto this mining cart, which should travel down this path, into the next room, where the fish net will fall on them.
Cartman: Wow, cool!
Munky: Hey! Somebody's coming. [everyone jumps back behind some boxes]
Secure Group: Aaaaah!
Stan: We've got to hide!
Jonathan: Hey, there's Antonio Banderas! He'll help us. [calls out] Mr. Banderas!
David: [peeks up] Jonathan, no!
Secure group: [hits the slick] Aaaah! [the trap works exactly as David said it would]
Head: Oh, no!
Secure group: Aaaah! [the cart hits the wall and stops. The insecure group rushes in]
Stan: Ow!
David: Hold on, guys! [the lynch mob, led by the watchmen, bursts through the doors and moves in on the group]
Brunet: Alright, KoRn, time for you to get out of town! [the pirate ghosts appear]
Pirate Ghosts: Aarrrrgh.
Crowd: [frightened] Aaaaaah!
Randy: KoRn is sending their demon minions upon us!
Crowd: [shrieking] Aaaaaah!
Jonathan: [to his band mates] Alright, gang. Looks like we're gonna have to use our special KoRn powers. [the five members huddle and link hands to forearms] KoRn powers, vitalize! [starbursts abound as each member transforms]
Munky: Munky!
David: David!
Fieldy: Fieldy!
Head: Head!
Jonathan: Jonathan!
KoRn: Form of... CORN! [final starbursts give way to various corn products: two corncobs, a tub of popcorn, a can of creamed corn, and one corn kernel. The tub of popcorn swells and spits out several popped kernels. The townsfolk just stare and the corn products stay still. The pirates are seen staring. Soon, the products revert to the band mates]
Jonathan: Alright! Great job, gang! [The townsfolk stare]
Cartman: That didn't help at all.
Head: We know. It's just cool to do.
Pirate Ghosts: Aarrrrgh!
Nibblet: [floating up to release the net] Nibblet! [releases the net, and it lands on the pirate ghosts]
KoRn: [grateful] Nibblet!
Barbrady: What the hell is that thing??
David: You did it, Nibblet! You trapped them!
Jonathan: [approaches the net] Yeah. And now let's see who these pirate ghosts really are! [the ghosts disappear, and he throws his palms up] Oh, I guess they really were pirate ghosts.
Barbrady: [approaches with gun drawn] Alright, KoRn, you can stop your demonic shenanigans and come downtown with me!
Nibblet: [notices some twine hanging from two trap doors on the ceiling] Hehey, look what Nibblet sees. [pulls on the twine, and the doors open. Priest Maxi falls to the ground]
Priest Maxi: Whoa! [lands with a thud]
Chef: What the...?
Man: Father Maxi?
Priest Maxi: [gets up] Well, what are you waiting for, Barbrady?! Arrest that band!
Barbrady: Oh?
Jonathan: No! Arrest him!
Mob: Huh??
Jonathan: I think I've got this groovy mystery solved!
Scene Description: Outside. The mystery has apparently been explained. The priest is now under arrest
Chef: Well, I must say I still don't get this at all.
Jonathan: It's simple. Priest Maxi didn't want there to be a Halloween, so he decided to scare everyone away from the docks.
David: Yeah. And then he used this flashlight and some cotton swabs to create the ghosts. [shows the flashlight and swabs, then shines the light through the swabs. The pirate ghosts appear in the distance]
Fieldy: [with some cheese and a cup] Then all he needed was some sound effects created by this cup and a piece of cheese. [holds them to his mouth and sounds] Aaaaraargh!
Jonathan: And all he had to do then was create a ghost ship, by using some candles, a mirror, and two squirrels. [genuflects to place the candle between the mirror and the squirrels. A pirate ship appears on the lake]
Chef: Father, why did you go to all this trouble?
Priest Maxi: Because Halloween is an abomination of God. I would do anything to stop this wretched, unholy holiday!
Chef: Including killing people and wreaking havoc all over South Park?
Brunet: Don't you see that by trying to stop Halloween you've scared the hell out of everybody?
Priest Maxi: No.
Barbrady: Okay buddy, you can explain downtown! [takes the priest away]
Sheila: Well, this is all fine and good, but it doesn't explain what happened to my mother's body!
Kyle: Yeah! Where's Grandma? [the dog walks in and begins regurgitating. First, the head comes out]
Mob: Eeewww! [the rest of the body comes out]
Stan: There she is!
Mob: Oooh!
Man: Ho-hoh.
Chef: Well thanks a lot, KoRn! You KoRn powers really came through for us!
Sharon: Yes! We were wrong about you. Will you please play for our Halloween party?
Jonathan: Well, sure. Why the heck not?
Mob: All right! [the pirate cutout is hoisted up on two poles]
Pirate Voice: Raarrrr!
Stan: Oh, no! The pirate ghosts are back! [the cutout shakes and falls away, revealing Nibblet]
All: Nibblet!
Nibblet: Uh oh!
Scene Description: The stage on the docks. KoRn is preparing for their concert. The mob is spread out in front of the stage. Jonathan takes the mic.
Jonathan: Well, this sure has been a wacky night, but me and the gang learned a lot, and we hope you did too. You all perceived us to be mean, evil people, but, really, we're just normal guys. And we all perceived pirate ghosts to be real when, actually, they were just cotton swabs. So I guess the lesson is: it's easy to perceive somethin' someway, and then be wrong. So we all need to learn to be a little less perceptive.
All: [reflecting] Yeah.
Jonathan: The gang and I wrote a song about it, and it goes goes a little somethin' like this:And a-one, and-a-two, and a [goes right into "Falling Away From Me." The strobe lights come on, and the crowd looks a little stunned. The fifth graders are at the very front of the crowd, and the body of Grandma Broflovski inches up to them]
Stan: Boo!
Fifth Graders: Aaaah! [they run away]
Stan, Kyle: Sweet! [Nibblet floats up to the Antonio Banderas blow-up doll and punctures it. It deflates, alerting Cartman]
Cartman: Antonio, no! [sees Nibblet and goes after it] You son of a bitch chicken from outer space... thing, come back here! [KoRn continues playing. At another part of the docks, Mr. Garrison holds court over the Halloween Costume Contest. Kenny is present]
Mr. Garrison: And the winner of the costume contest is [reads the name] Wendy, for her Chewbacca costume! Come on up, Wendy. [she rushes up and stands next to him]
Kenny: [droops] (Awww.)
Scene Description: End of KORN's Groovy Pirate Ghost Mystery... Wait a minute! Dejected, Kenny walks away slowly from the crowd. A tiny snowspeeder flies by and wraps a cable around his costume's legs. He begins to stumble
Kenny: (What the hell? What the fuck is this?!) [two more speeders fly by and bomb him to bits, and rats converge on him.]


Scene Description: Episode starts with Cartman watching TV and snacking on something. Kitty walks up.
Kitty: Reowr.
Cartman: No, Kitty, these are my spicy-hot Louisiana-baked Chicken Tenders!
Kitty: Reowr.
Cartman: No, Kitty! [the TV screen shows a blond Ash-like figure surrounded by three little monsters]
"Ash": Someday, I will collect all the Chinpokomon, then I will fight the Evil Power that will reveal itself once all the Chinpokomon are collectable, [tilts his head to one side] oh?
Kitty: Roar?
Cartman: [affecting an anime look] No, Kitty, you can't have these chicken tenders, because they are mine, and I keep mine to myself, oh?
Announcer: Be sure to tune in tomorrow for another inexplicable episode of... Chinpokomon.
Cartman: [exults] Hooray! [hops off the sofa and begins to walk away...]
Announcer: Hey kids! [Cartman turns to look at the TV] Do you love Chinpokomon?
Cartman: Yes.
Announcer: Well, now you can buy your very own! [the little monsters begin to flash across the screen]
Singer: I got to buy ChinpokomonI got to buy it, I got to buy it! [six Chinpokomon appear]
Announcer: [more Chinpokomon appear...] Now you can collect them all. Furrycat, Donkeytron, Pengin, Shoe, Lambtor. Collect them all, and you can become Royal Crown Chinpoko Master.
Cartman: Royal Crown Chinpoko Master? Holy shit!
Announcer: All the Chinpokomon are in stores now.
Japanese Woman: [dressed in business attire] Chinpokomon is soo-peh-rior rubbeh toy, Nuhmbah 1!
Singer: I got to buy it! Chinpo-ko-mon!
Cartman: [turns off TV and rushes to the kitchen, tossing the chicken tenders away] Mom! Mom!
Scene Description: Kitchen. Liane is at the sink. Cartman rushes in and runs circles around her legs.
Cartman: [pants] Mom! Seriously! Let's go to the toy store, Mom. Now! Must go! Toy store!
Liane: Eric, calm down. [genuflects and restrains him]
Cartman: Uh seriously! Mom! Must go! Must buy!
Liane: What is it, Eric?
Cartman: [breathless] Mom-Mom! I've only just heard. They're making Chinpokomon dolls, mom. You can collect them all. You can collect them all, Mother; quick, come on. Let's go to the toy store!
Liane: [stands up and turns to the counter] I'm making you some lunch right now, Eric.
Cartman: [stops] ...But Mom, I have to get Chinpokomon dolls before everybody else does, 'cause then I'll be coo-oo-ool.
Liane: Can't it wait till tomorrow, hon?
Cartman: [shriek] ...But Mom, I have to get the first one, or else people won't think I'm coo-oo-ool!
Liane: Alright! let's go. [heads towards the front door. Cartman follows]
Cartman: Sweet.
Scene Description: Toy store, "TOYS." Cartman and Liane approach it.
Cartman: Everybody's gonna be sooo jealous when they see my Chinpokomon. [Liane opens the door, and both are shocked to find the store full of kids looking around and walking with Chinpokomon dolls. The class is there...]
Butters: Wuh-I love Chinpokomon.
Girl: [amid the din] Give it to me!
Boy: Give it here!
Boy: [fighting with Bradley Biggle over a Chinpokomon doll] Give me that!
Cartman: Oh, god damnit! [walks in and runs into Stan]
Stan: Hey, fatass.
Cartman: Hey, dickhole. I guess you saw the commercial, too.
Stan: Yep. I got Roostor, Lambtron, and Shoe.
Cartman: Well, that's nice, but I'm gonna get a Pengin. He's the cutest. [walks to the Pengin canister and finds it empty] God damnit, there's no more Pengins! [Kenny walks over with one] Kenny, Pengin is my favorite. That's the last one. Let me have it. [starts pulling]
Kenny: (Nuh uh.) [pulls back. Tug-of-war]
Cartman: C'mon.
Kenny: (Nuh uh!)
Cartman: C'mon, Kenny. Let me ha-
Kenny: (No!)
Cartman: C'mon.
Kenny: (No!)
Cartman: C'mon. Give me Pengin!
Kenny: (No! This is mine!)
Cartman: C'mon!
Scene Description: Checkout counter. Sharon is ready to pay for some Chinpokomon. Liane has one, too. Sharon turns to Liane.
Sharon: Honestly, I don't see what they find so amusing about those things.
Liane: They're so strange. Where are they from?
Cashier: Well, it's some new big thing from Japan. I tell you, those Japanese really know how to market to kids.
"Ash": [on a TV screen] I've got to collect all Chinpokomon. I've got to collect them all so I can become Royal Crown Chinpoko Master, oooh? [static]
Japanese woman: Own-ah Chinpokomon, and-ah you vill-ah have-ah happy feelings-eh. [static]
"Ash": I have to become Royal Crown Chinpoko Master.
Kids: [recite as they disperse] Must collect Chinpokomon.
Scene Description: South Park, next day. The boys stand around with their Chinpokomon. Kyle is missing.
Cartman: Okay, Kenny. I'll trade you my Chuchunezumi for your Pengin.
Kenny: (Fuck you!)
Cartman: God damn it, you're supposed to trade, you little asshole! Give me Pengin!
Kyle: [arrives at the bus stop] Hey dudes. [notices] What are those?
Stan: What are these? They're Chinpokomon!
Kyle: Huh?
Cartman: [haltingly] You don't appear to have any Chinpokomon?
Kyle: No, but look. I just got this sweet Cyborg Bill doll.
Cartman: Oh, please! Cyborg Bill is so yesterday.
Stan: Yeah, like ancient history.
Kyle: Cyborg Bill isn't cool anymore?
Stan: No, dude!
Cartman: Cyborg Bill hasn't been cool for a long time, Kyle.
Kyle: Why the hell don't people tell me these things?!
Cartman: It's all Chinpokomon now.
Stan: Dude, if you collect Chinpokomon you can complete the Primary Main Objective.
Kyle: What's the Primary Main Objective?
Cartman: You don't even know what the Primary Main Objective is?
Stan: The Primary Main Objective is to destroy the Evil Power.
Kyle: Well, what's the Evil Power?
Stan: [exasperated] Ogh..!
Cartman: [exasperated] Oh, my God..! The identity of the Evil Power won't be revealed until all Chinpokomon are collected by a Royal Crown Chinpoko Master!
Kyle: What?
Cartman: Duhhh!
Stan: Yeah, get with the times, dude. [turns and walks away with Cartman and Kenny]
Cartman: Duhhh!
Kyle: [throws down Cyborg Bill] Shit!
Scene Description: Broflovski residence. Sheila and Gerald are talking on the sofa. Ike sits to Gerald's left.
Gerald: Yeah, I guess so.
Kyle: [enters] Mom, Dad, can I have money to buy Chinpokomon?
Sheila: What's a Chinpokomon?
Kyle: I'm not sure.
Sheila: Well, why do you need one?
Kyle: I don't know.
Sheila: ...Well then, the answer is no, Kyle. You just got money to buy your Cyborg Bill doll.
Kyle: Yeah, but Cyborg Bill is totally gay now. Please Mom? Everybody else has Chinpokomon.
Gerald: Well, Kyle, that's not a reason to buy something.
Ike: Neah Kyle doh.
Gerald: You see, son, fads come and go. And this "Chin-po-ko-mon" is obviously nothing more than a fad. You don't have to be a part of it. In fact, you can make an even stronger statement by saying to your peers, "I'm not going to be a part of this fad, because I'm an individual." Do you understand?
Kyle: Yes. Yes, I do, Dad. Now let me tell you how it works in the real world. In the real world, I can either get a Chinpokomon, or I can be the only kid without one, which singles me out, and causes the other kids to make fun of me and kick my ass.
Gerald: Hm... Good point; here's $10. [hands it to him]
Kyle: Thanks.
Gerald: Wait, here's 20. Get one for your brother, too. [Kyle receives the other $10 and walks out]
Ike: Hey, Chih-paw-ko.
Scene Description: Toy store. Kyle has just purchased a Lambtor.
Cashier: [hands him the doll] There you go, son. I honestly don't know what you see in these things.
Kyle: Neither do I. [turns and walks out.]
Cashier: [closes the door and turns off the lights] I guess I'll call it a night. [heads towards the back]
A voice: Chinpoko! [the cashier turns] Buy me! Buy me! [the cashier heads for the Chinpokomon display] When will you become Royal Chinpoko Master? [the cashier gets a Lambtor and squeezes it, making a little squeak.] Hurry up and buy me. [squeeze] Down with America!
Cashier: What? [squeeze]
Lambtron: I love you. Let's be best friends, and destroy the capitalistic American government.
Cashier: What the hell is goin' on here?
Scene Description: Cartman residence, next day. The boys are engaged in a video game. Again, Kyle is absent.
Kyle: [enters] Hey you guys! Check out my sweet Chinpokomon doll!
Cartman: Oh, please, Chinpokomon dolls are so last week.
Kyle: What?
Stan: Yeah, dude. Don't you know? It's all about the Chinpokomon video game now. Did you bring your special Chinpokomon game controller?
Kyle: [a little lost] Huh? No.
Cartman: [haltingly] Oh, you didn't get a special Chinpokomon game controller. T-heh heh heh heh. Jehesus C-hrist! [Cartman presses "START" on game controller]
Announcer: Chinpokomon, what is Primary Objective?
Stan/Kenny/ Cartman: To destroy the Evil Power!
"Ash": I've got to buy all the Chinpokomon so I can destroy the Evil Power, oooh?
Stan/Kenny/ Cartman: Oooh?
Kyle: Damnit! [walks out]
"Ash": I've got to buy them all, so first I'd better go to Hawaii and visit Pearl Harbor.
Japanese woman: [pops up] Gottai to bomb thah hahbah! Deddy? [vanishes]
"Ash": Go! ["GO" pops up, and the boys are furiously maneuvering their controllers]
Kenny: (Hey, you guys...) [the boys bomb the harbor, grunting all the while]
"Ash": I must buy them all! I must buy them all!
Stan/Kenny/ Cartman: We must buy them all! [they finish the first round of bombing and fly away]
Japanese woman: [pops up] Gottai to bomb thah hahbah! [drops down. The second round begins and the bombing is more intense. Kenny begins to convulse and finally drops off the sofa. Play stops as Cartman and Stan look on with shock]
Stan: Dude, the video game gave Kenny a seizure!
Cartman: Cool! This game rules!
Scene Description: Japan; Chinpokomon Company, outside. An inside shot looks to the main doors as they open, and one man walks in.
Cashier: Hello-o? Ey, hello? [a monitor drops down from above]
Japanese woman: [on screen] Werucome to Chinpokomon Toy Corporashon. Purease state a-name.
Cashier: Rr-Red Harris? I own a toy store in America?
Japanese woman: Purease state the puhpose-uh.
Red: Uh, I wanna know what the hell you people are doing with these dolls, talkin' about bringin' down American government and all? [the monitor is pulled up in a hurry, and an elevator rises from the floor. The doors open and two men walk towards him.]
Taller man: I am President Hirohito. And-ah, this is Mr. Ose.
Mr. Ose: [nods forward] Peased to meet you.
President Hirohito: We unduhstand you have big concern about our fine pro-duct.
Red: Oh, eh-yes. Do you mind tellin' me what the hell this is about? [squeezes Lambtor]
Lambtor: The American government lies to you! Join the fight for Japanese supremacy of the world! More to come. [the two men remain silent]
Red: Well?
Mr. Ose: Uuuh.
President Hirohito: That is so sturange. [takes Lambtor from Red] I do not a-know how this could happen. But urest assured, I will make sure [glares sideways at Mr. Ose] it does not happong again!
Red: Well, now, come on, I don't think that that quite satisfies my-
President Hirohito: You are American?
Red: Yes.
President Hirohito: [begins to gesture] Ogh! You must have very big pee-anis!
Red: Excuse me? I was just asking you what you're up to with these toys!
President Hirohito: Nothing. We are very simple people. With very small penis. Mr. Ose penis is ...especially small.
Mr. Ose: [fakes a sob] Uh, smuh, so small.
President Hirohito: We cannot achieve much with so small penis. But you! Americans. Wow! Penis so big! Soo big penis!
Red: [flattered] Well uh, he-I guess it is a pretty good size.
Mr. Ose: Minna-san, kite kite! ["Everyone, come come!" A group of Japanese women move in, chattering] This-a man has veh-ry big penis! [the women applaud, Red grins big]
Woman 1: Take takeru o da ne? ["It's rather large, isn't it?"]
Woman 2: Hai. ["Yes."]
Mr. Ose: Uh, hoh, what an-whoa immense penis-uh!
Red: Well, it certainly was nice meeting you folk, I just wanted to bring that little malfunction to your attention. Bye-bye now.
President Hirohito: Good-bye. Thank you for stopping by, with your gargantuan penis. [Red walks out humming happily. After a moment Hirohito looks angrily at Mr. Ose] Dame, dame da. ["Its over. Its all over." The women quickly exit the room. He slaps the back of Mr. Ose's head] Naze kono chippu o soto wo detanda? ["Why did you let this chip get outside?"]
Mr. Ose: Wa, wakarimasen, shachou-san. Mondai desu ne. ["I, I don't know, president. This is going to be a problem, isn't it?"]
President Hirohito: Seki ni shou yoube! ["Prepare a sit down meeting!"]
Mr. Ose: Hai. Hai, shachou-san. ["Yes. Yes, president." He bows out]
Scene Description: The Cartman house, night. Kitty roars outside. Cartman is asleep, but tossing...
Cartman: I've got to buy Chinpokomon... I've got to... buy them... Must buy Chinpokomon...
Scene Description: His Chinpokomon sends up an antenna, which sends out a signal, which goes out the window and joins other signals at a point in space. Then the merged signals go to a satellite, which bounces them to Japan. The signals reach the Chinpokomon Toy Corporation's rooftop satellite dish and split up to show each Chinpokomon in its own screen on the company's video wall. President Hirohito is talking to his board of directors under heavy guard.
President Hirohito: Amerika no kodomo minna ga Chinpokomon mo motte ima na. "Phase two" kaishi suru toki da. IKIMASHOO! ["All the children in America already own Chinpokomon now. It is time to begin "Phase two" . LET'S GO!" The soldiers set their rifles] The time has come! We will take Pearl Harbor!
Scene Description: Marsh residence, next day. A TV is on: "I've got to buy it! I've got to buy it! Chinpokomon!" Sharon sits on the sofa looking at the cartoon.
Randy: [walks up] What are you doing?
Sharon: I'm watching one of Stanley's Chinpokomon video tapes.
Randy: Why?
Sharon: Our son loves this show, Randy, so I think it's important that we watch it to see if it's teaching him good moral values. [Randy sits]
"Ash": [addressing a robot rooster] Hey, you must be Roostor! I haven't bought one of you yet, but I'll bet you can transform into Roostallion if you found Diamond Skill 7! [picks it up and squeezes]
Roostor: Roo-oo-oostor! [a teen boy in black body suit emblazoned with an 8 appear]
"Eight": [does the following as he speaks] Hey, I'm gonna take your Roostor and put it in this bag, where it will flourish or expire, depending on fate!
"Ash": Hey! Is that a good idea?
"Eight": Roostors aren't like Chuchunezumis. They haven't the heart for such endeavors.
"Ash": Oooh? [Randy and Sharon look lost]
Randy: ...Are those good moral values?
Sharon: I don't know what the hell they're talking about.
Scene Description: Hours later. Randy and Sharon watch a battle scene in disbelief.
"Ash": Lambtron! You are losing the battle of your life! [Lambtron battles Furrycat]
Narrator: But Lambtron's powers also give him a good chance for a new fight. Will he succeed?
"Ash": I am sad now, because Lambtron must be very lonely because there are so few Lambtrons in the world. Will he ever find a companion?
Sharon: This doesn't make sense. Are those stupid things supposed to be animals or robots or what?
Randy: I don't know, but I suddenly kinda wanna own them all.
Sharon: Randy, we can't allow our son to watch this stuff!
Randy: Well, it's not like it's vulgar or violent.
Sharon: No, but it's incredibly stupid, and that could be worse on a child's mind than any vulgarity or violence. Remember what Battle of the Network Stars did to an entire generation.
Randy: [solemnly] My God, you're right.
Scene Description: South Park, by Tom's Rhinoplasty, day. Cartman is strumming a guitar. A sign on the case reads: "Please HELP...Boys Sent to camp".
Cartman: Come on, brothers and sistersWe've all got to join togetherJoin together and give me moneySo I can buy more Chinpokomon!We've got to stop this fight and...
Stan: [arrives with Kenny] How's it goin', fat ass?
Cartman: I haven't made any money yet.
Stan: What?! You've been out here all weekend! How are we gonna raise money to get into the Chinpokomon camp?
Cartman: Ey! I'm the one who's been standing out here with this gay guitar like a God-damned hippie all weekend! What have you two assholes done?!
Stan: We can't do anything. Kenny still hasn't come out of his seizure. [moves Kenny so the glazed eyes can be seen]
Kyle: [rushes up with a new item] I got it! I got my Chinpokomon game controller! [Tthe others look at him and then laugh]
Cartman: Jesus tap dancing Christ! Get with the program, Kyle!
Stan: Yeah. Nobody plays the Chinpokomon video games anymore. Now it's all about the big weekend Chinpokomon camp.
Kyle: Camp?
Cartman: [sighs] The makers of Chinpokomon are going town to town and putting on a special camp to show all the Chinpoko Masters how to destroy the Evil Power.
Stan: You didn't know that?
Kyle: [quickly saving face] No, uh-I knew it! I knew it. I was just testing you guys. You just wait till I get to that Chinpokomon camp! I'm gonna be the toughest master of them all! So we'll see you there, a-ight? [turns and walks away]
Stan: Dude, did you just say "a-ight"?
Kyle: [turns back] Yeah. You know, like Lauren Hill. A-ight?
Cartman: Oh, my God, that's so yesterday!
Stan: Yeah, dude. Nobody says "a-ight" anymore.
Kyle: What?? "A-ight"'s not cool, either? When did that happen?
Cartman: Like, eight days ago.
Kyle: God damnit! [turns and hurries away]
Scene Description: Marsh residence, night. Living room. The Marshes, the Broflovskis, Liane, the McCormicks, and the Tweeks watch an Chinpokomon advertisement.
Announcer: Hey, kids! [Furrycat appears] Only one more day till the Chinpokomon camp! ["Ash" and "Eight" appear] Come early and enjoy all the Chinpoko fun! ["Chinpokomon CAMP" is placed over Furrycat, then a violet gorilla appears]
Singer: Chinpokomon Camp!I've got to buy a ticket!I've got to buy one! A ticket!I've got to buy buy buy!
Japanese woman: [pops in from the side] It'sa Satuhday anda Sunday. You can'ta wait to go! [moves out]
Singer: Chinpokomon! [the TV clicks off]
Sharon: We just thought we'd bring it to everyone's attention because, honestly, we don't know how to feel.
Liane: Well, I'm letting Eric go to the camp. I mean, it seems to me this Chinpokomon thing is just another harmless fad.
Sheila: Yeah. We told Kyle he could go if he did all his chores, and he did.
Randy: [concerned] Now, I'm not sure this blatant commercialism is good for our boys.
Sheila: Well, you know how it is, Randy. The more we forbid them to play with Chinpokomons, the more they're gonna love them.
Sharon: You're right, Sheila. I guess the best thing we can do is just let them go until they get sick of it.
Sheila: Sure. Apparently, they've been doing these camps in every city around the country; how bad can they be?
Scene Description: Chinpokomon camp. A huge temple looms over the crowd of kids. Three huge screens display the Chinpokomon program. Soldiers guard the screens and the central stairway. Stan and friends move through the crowd. Several classmates are already there.
Cartman: Get outta the way! Move it!
Stan: Can you see anything? [the gorilla Chinpokomon appears onscreen]
Kids: Yay!!! [applause]
Stan: It's starting, it's starting!
Singer: I've got to buy it! I've got to buy it! Chinpokomon! [the kids continue to cheer and clap. Mr. Ose takes center stage]
Mr. Ose: Attention! Attention! [the kids quiet down] This isa Chinpokomon Camp!
Kids: Chinpokomon is what we strive to be great at in our hearts!
Kyle: ...our hearts. [looks left] Kenny? [Kenny stands motionless]
Mr. Ose: What is the Primary Main Objective?
Kids: To destroy the Evil Power!
Kyle: ...Power.
Mr. Ose: Yesuh. Anda what is the Evil Power? [no one answers] The Evil Power is the United States gorvernment! [the three screens display the U.S. flag. The kids stay silent]
Cartman: Ohhh.
Mr. Ose: United Statesuh government is the Evil Power! It hasa taken Japanese Americans! It hasa broken Japanese spirit! And what do Chinpoko Masters do to Evil Power?!
Kids: Destroy it!
Kyle: Destroy it?
Mr. Ose: That isa correct! Now, it isa great honor to present... your Chinpoko Leaduh! Emperor Hirohito! [a gong is heard, and Mr. Ose claps a few times]
Emperor Hirohito: [President Hirohito in shogun attire takes center stage] Welcome to campu. Whoever passes it knows and honors that the greatness of Japan is in its history, and it is based on that history that we shall again rise to the dominant world powuh!
Cartman: Is this cool or not? I can't tell.
Emperor Hirohito: It is again time for the Rising Sun to sit tall in the sight! One Japan! One society! [walks off. Mr. Ose claps and takes the mike]
Mr. Ose: We will begin witha language anda exercise skills. Hajimete!! ["Begin!" Two instructors walk up]
Instructors: [doing squats] Ichi, ni, san, shi! ["1, 2, 3, 4!"]
Kids: Ichi, ni, san, shi! Ichi, ni, san, shi! ["1, 2, 3, 4! 1, 2, 3, 4!"]
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, Mr. Garrison's class. The kids are chatting away happily in Japanese. All have anime expressions.
Mr. Garrison: Okay, children, I want it quiet! [the class shuts up] Now, we're gonna try this again until we get it right! What is six times three?
Stan: Juuhachi desu ka? ["Isn't it eighteen?"]
Class: Juuhachi da nee! ["Eighteen it is!"]
Mr. Garrison: No, goddammit, it's eighteen!!
Stan: Juuhachi is eighteen, Garrison-san.
Mr. Garrison: For the last time, my name is not Garrison-san, all right?! And this is not Hat-san! And you all better start talking in a manner that I can understand!
Cartman: Wuu, Garrison-san sabuchii dana. ["Ooo, Mr. Garrison is such an asshole!"]
Mr. Garrison: What did he say?!
Stan: He said, "Garrison-san sabuchii da naa."
Class: Soo desu nee! ["That's right!"]
Mr. Garrison: Damnit, this is not Japan!!
Cartman: Minna-san! Kite kite, churi... [farts. The class laughs]
Wendy: Dare ga pu shita no. ["Who farted?"]
Mr. Garrison: Aggghhh! [rushes out of the room amid the kids' laughter]
Scene Description: City Hall, the Mayor's Office. The parents are gathered in it.
Mayor: People, please! We can only speak one at a time. Now, Mr. Garrison, you were saying...
Mr. Garrison: I can't take it, Mayor. You have to put an end to this Chinpoko Camp.
Sharon: [Randy holds her] My son hasn't made any sense in days.
Priest Maxi: I tell you, Mayor, these Japanese are trying to change our American children somehow!
Mayor: Alright, people, Mr. Hirohito and Mr. Ose were nice enough to stop by to talk to you. Gentlemen? [Mr. Hirohito and Mr. Ose step up]
President Hirohito: We at the Japan Toy Company are vetty cohncerned about-a your cohncerns. That is why we make Chinpokomon camp.
Randy: Well, how is it good?! We don't understand what the point of your product is!
President Hirohito: There is nothing to worry about. We at Japan Toy Company are in awe of your large penis.
Mr. Garrison: What?
President Hirohito: You see, Japanese penis so small. [holds his hands about an inch apart]
Mr. Ose: [set his index finger an inch from his thumb] So-eh small.
President Hirohito: You Americans have such humungous burbous penis.
Mr. Garrison: Well, uh-I guess that's true.
Mr. Ose: Oh, suh-n nice-a big penis American.
President Hirohito: What can we possubruh do with such small penis? We cannot take over your city, filled witha men awith such mastodonic penis.
Jimbo: Huwell, uh he's got a point there.
Randy: Well, I guess that settles that.
Priest Maxi: We're sorry we took your time, gentlemen.
President Hirohito: [bowing with Mr. Ose] Oh, no. Thank you. Another chance to be in same room with big American penis. [exits]
Mr. Ose: Uh-uh, my penis so small. [exits]
Priest Maxi: Nice guys. [the door closes]
Scene Description: City Hall, outside the Mayor's Office.
President Hirohito: Jikan ga nai. Sugu ni bara de shimaou. Shikashi, itsu baru shinkuro isoga reba. ["Time is short. Those people will discover our plan soon. We must finish quickly."]
Scene Description: City Hall, the Mayor's Office. The men and women have split into two groups by gender. Sharon speaks.
Sharon: So, what are we going to do about our children? [the men smile down at their crotches] Ahhh, hello-o?
Mayor: O-kay, people. I know this Chinpuku Man fad is causing a lot of problems. But I think we've already found a solution.
Liane: You have?
Mayor: Children are fickle. [thump] All we have to do is come up with a new fad. We find the next toy and turn them all onto it as soon as possible.
Sharon: Of course! That's a great idea!
Sheila: But what toy?
Scene Description: South Park Market Research Laboratories, a nondescrpt building. A big-screen TV is shown, flanked by two lab techs. Then a sofa is shown, with Kyle, Stan, Cartman, Kenny, and Butters.
Lab Tech 1: Alright, boys, we're going to show you a couple of commercials, and you tell us which toy interests you the most. Now, watch carefully. [the first one comes on]
Announcer: Hey, kids. Do you like Chinpokomon?
Boys: Yeah!
Announcer: Well then, you're gonna go wild for [echo comes on as a weird bike is shown] Wild Wacky Action Bike! [a bike with two single-arm handles, one attached to each wheel, and two lumpy side wheels]
Singer: Wild Wacky Action Bike!The bike that's hard to ride!
Announcer: [a boy runs to the bike and hops on, trying to figure out how to steer it. He shrugs] Wild Wacky Action Bike is almost impossible to steer. And it glows in the dark.
Singer: Goin' to try to ride all day long, but I'm goin' to fail'Cause it's Wild Wacky Action Bike!
Boy: [manages to steer it, but runs into some cones] Man... [then steers it well enough down the street]
Singer: You can't ride it, you can't ride itWild Wacky Action Bike!
Boy: Aaagg-agh-! [ends up under a truck. A cloud of steam rushes out on impact]
Announcer: Wild Wacky Action Bike comes with everything you see here. [the boys say nothing for a while, then...]
Cartman: ...Gay.
Stan: Yeah, dude. That was totally gay.
Lab Tech 1: Ohhh. [writes "GAY" under "Wild Wacky Action Bike" on his "Test Results" pad and underlines it] Wuh-okay, here's the next one.
Announcer: Hey, kids. Do you like Chinpokomon?
Boys: Yeah!
Announcer: Well then, you're gonna love... Alabama Man! ["ALABAMA MAN" over the Confederate flag, then Alabama Man is shown with bowling ball and beer can]
Singer: Alabama ManHe's quick, he's strong, he's active.
Announcer: You can take Alabama Man to the bowling alley, where he drinks heavily and chews tobacco. [A little bowling alley is shown, with Alabama Man standing on a platform that connects to the alley by a ramp. Behind that sits a woman doll keeping score]
Boy 1: [watching Alabama Man swing a bowling ball] Wow! He can bowl. [presses a button, releasing the bowling ball. It goes down the bowling alley and knocks six pins down]
Singer: He can bowl, he can drink, he can drink and bowlAlaba-ma Man!
Announcer: When his wife asks him where he's been, just use the action button, [Alabama Man is made to knock her down] and Alabama Man busts her lip open.
Boy 1: [with Alabama Man. Boy 2 has his wife] Shut up, bitch! [has Alabama Man knock his wife down]
Boy 2: Wow!
Singer: He beats up his wife and sleeps it offAlabama Man!
Boys 1/2: I wanna be just like Alabama Man.
Announcer: Alabama Man comes with everything you see here. Wife sold separately.
Boy 2: I thought I told you to shut up! [has Alabama Man knock his wife down with a backhand]
Announcer: Not all people from Alabama are wife-beaters. [Again, the boys stay silent]
Cartman: Gay.
Stan: Totally gay.
Kyle: Liberace gay.
Lab Tech 1: [writes "GAY" under "Alabama Man" and underlines it twice] Oooh, dear. Well, let's keep trying. How about this? [cuts into an actual commercial...]
Scene Description: South Park, next weekend. The adults are lined up on either side of Main Street as Mr. Ose leads the kids through the town. Japanese flags, a poster of President Hirohito, and red flags are being paraded.
Mr. Ose: Owatta! ["Down with"]
Kids: Beikoku! ["the U.S.A.!"]
Mr. Ose: Owatta! ["Down with"]
Kids: Beikoku! ["the U.S.A.!"]
Mr. Ose: Owatta! ["Down with"]
Kids: Beikoku! Nihon ima hajimaru! ["Its fate is now to become Japan!"]
Mr. Ose: Owatta! ["Down with"]
Sharon: Stan?
Kids: Beikoku! ["the U.S.A.!"]
Sharon: Stan, it's Mommy! [starts to move with the troops]
Mr. Ose: Owatta! ["Down with"]
Kids: Beikoku! ["the U.S.A.!"]
Mr. Ose: Owatta!
Sharon: Stanley-
Kids: Beikoku! ["the U.S.A.!"]
Sharon: -you need to come home right now.
Mr. Ose: Owatta! ["Down with"]
Kids: Beikoku! ["the U.S.A.!"]
Sharon: Mommy misses you.
Mr. Ose: Owatta! ["Down with"]
Kids: Beikoku! ["the U.S.A.!"]
Sharon: Stanley, I'm talking to you!
Mr. Ose: Owatta! ["Down with"]
Kids: Beikoku! ["Down with"] [Sharon steps in and takes Stan's hand. The troops gather round, forcing her back] Hoh!? ["Ohh!?]
Sharon: [pleading] Stan, please, come home!
Stan: Kore wa watashi no uchi desu. ["This is my home now."]
Kids: So desu née. ["That's right."]
Mr. Ose: Ooh? [resumes his position. Sharon looks betrayed] Do not worry. Everything isa okay.
Sharon: No, it's not okay!
Mr. Ose: Oh, but-a you have-a such large penis-uh. [behind him, Stan has a fierce expression on his face]
Sharon: What?
Mr. Ose: Your penis, wooww- [President Hirohito walks up and slaps him] O-oh..!
President Hirohito: What he means is that all men in this town have very large penis. [all the men smile at the compliment]
Sharon: Can't you see what's happening?! They're just using that talk to distract you! He doesn't really have a small penis!
President Hirohito: Misenasai! ["Show them!" Mr. Ose takes down his pants. The people are shocked, and he pulls them up again.]
Sharon: Oh! [the march resumes]
Mr. Ose: Owatta! ["Down with "]
Kids: Beikoku! ["the U.S.A.!"]
Mr. Ose: Owatta! ["Down with"]
Kids: Beikoku! ["the U.S.A.!"]
Gerald: Oh God, is there nothing we can do?
Sharon: [turns to face the adults] Wait a minute... Wait a minute, I think I know the answer! I know how to get our kids to stop liking Chinpokomon! [the last of the troops leaves]
Sheila: How?
Sharon: Come on! We don't have much time! [leads the adults away]
Scene Description: Washington, D.C.; the White House.
Reporter: And now, for a special announcement from the President of the United States.
President Clinton: [from the Oval Office] My fellow Americans, I wish to address the concerns many of us have over the growing number of Japanese military bases forming in the United States. The new Japanese emperor, Hirohito, has made our own children into fighter pilots who will soon fly to Hawaii and attack Pearl Harbor. I spoke with Mr. Hirohito this morning, and he assured me that I have a very large penis. He said it was mammoth, dinosauric, and absolutely dwarfed his penis, which, he assured me, was nearly microscopic in size. My penis, he said, was most likely one of the biggest on the planet. I applaud Mr. Hirohito in his honesty. Thank you.
Scene Description: A Japanese military base. Eighteen planes and 39 troops are seen. The kids stand at attention. Kyle is missing.
Mr. Ose: Your plane will fly autopilot to Pearl Harbor! When you arrive you will drop many bombs!
Kids: Hai, shachou-san. ["Yes, Mr. President." The kids part to the planes. Stan, Cartman, and Kenny run into the adults]
Stan: Nan da kore? ["What's this?"]
Randy: Chinpoko ga dai-suki yo! ["We're crazy about this Chinpoko stuff." All the adults carry Chinpokomon now]
Stan: What?
Randy: Uh, we just came to support you. We love Chinpokomon, too. It's super toy, number 1!
Stan: You like it?
Mr. Garrison: You bet. I think Chinpokoman is chinpokorrific. I got Shoe.
Liane: Come on, Eric. Let's try to battle your Roostor with my Donkeytron.
Cartman: Uh... no, that's okay, Mom.
President Hirohito: Whar are they doing?!
Mr. Ose: It's a trick!
Randy: Hey, Stan, look at my new bumper sticker. ["MY KID IS A CHINPOKOKID" with a smiling kid's face on the left end, and a Lambtron on the right. Randy walks to it and kneels to display it] Isn't that cool?
Stan: [holding a Chuchunezumi] No. [the adults laugh, and he throws the Chuchunezumi away] Screw this, dude. [starts walking out]
Cartman: Where are you going, Stan?
Stan: Huh, I don't know. Chinpokomon just doesn't seem that cool anymore. I'm gonna go kill some ants or something. [walks away]
Cartman: Wait for me, I wanna get out of these stupid clothes. [follows]
Other kids: Yeah. Me too! Me too. [each one tosses a Chinpokomon onto a pile and leaves the airfield. A Lambtron lands on its side and a kid steps on it. The adults cheer.]
President Hirohito: [grabbing his head in frustrated disbelief] Nooo!!
Randy: Well, you were right, Sharon. The best way to make our kids not like something is to like it ourselves.
Sharon: That's right. Anything we like is instantly not cool. [turns to Mr. Garrison] We know how to take them out, Mr. Garrison. Spread the word! Get on the wire to every parent around the country and tell them how to bring those sons of bitches down! [he walks over to a telegraph machine and starts spreading the word]
Stan: Hey, Mom, I'm sorry I went a little nutty with that Chinpokomon stuff. Can I have $5 to buy a football?
Sharon: You bet, Stanley! [a fighter plane has left its spot and appears before the crowd. Kyle is in the cockpit]
Kyle: Owatta Beikoku! ["Down with the U.S.A.!"] [the adults are stunned]
Sheila: Kyle, it's over!
Kyle: But I'm gonna be Royal Crown Chinpokomon Master!
Stan: [flatly] Dude, Chinpokomon isn't cool anymore.
Kyle: What?
Cartman: Yeah, dude, that's way over. [a rat is on Kenny, trying to nibble]
Kyle: Dude, you're just jealous because I'm Chinpoko Master!
Stan: No, Kyle. You see, we learned something today. This whole Chinpokomon thing happened because we all followed the group. We only liked Chinpokomon because everyone else did. And look at the damage it caused.
Kyle: So now I should stop liking Chinpokoman because you all don't?
Stan: ...Ye-eah.
Kyle: But if I stop now, I'll just be going with the group again. So, to be an individual, I have to bomb Pearl Harbor. See ya. [moves forward]
Stan: Oh... Wait. [walks with the plane] Actually, I was wrong. You see, Kyle, I learned something, just now. It is good to go with the group. A group mentality is healthy, sometimes.
Kyle: Aw, screw it; I'm too confused. [turns the power off and hops out of the plane. Mr. Garrison walk away]
Randy: Well, I'm sure glad this is all over.
Cartman: [sees rats on Kenny and swats them off] Hey, get offa him! He's not dead yet!
Scene Description: Bus Stop, next day. The four boys are waiting. The rats return and crawl all over Kenny.
Cartman: Nnno! Get off, you stupid rats! He's not dead yet!
Stan: Hey, you guys wanna go to the toy store after school and get some Spaceman Greg cards?
Kyle: Naw, I think I'm through with fads for a while.
Cartman: Me, too. [Kenny starts to tremble] I'm choosing my own toys from now on, 'cause- [Kenny falls and trembles harder. The others watch]
Stan: What the..? [Kenny's body rips open and a bunch of rats crawl out of him.]
Cartman: Ooooh-ho-ho-ho, gro-hoss! [Stan and Kyle laugh as Cartman looks on, the credits play the instrumental theme that played in the Wild Wacky Action Bike & Alabama Man commercials]
Singer: (over the Braniff Airlines logo) Bye bye buh-buh-buh-buh-buh chicken!