Scene Description: South Park, evening. Gerald drives his car down a street with two other men, Stuart and Roger, all dressed as witches. The song playing is Bow Wow Wow's "I Want Candy." The men bop along with it and eventually smile.
Stuart: What time are the other guys gettin' there?
Roger: Everyone just said sundown, which should be soon.
Gerald: I want candy.
The Three men: I want candy.
Scene Description: The Valmer house, moments later. Gerald pulls up to the house and honks a few times. Ryan peeks out, then comes out in his witch costume and a bag, and enters the car.
Gerald: Lookin' good, Ryan.
Ryan: Yeah, I got a real cape this year. Check it out. [holds it up for the others to check out, and Gerald pulls away]
Scene Description: The Marsh house, moments later. Randy is dressed, just tying his right boot up.
Randy: Hey Sharon, did you see the box of Jack Daniels?
Sharon: Oh no, you're not doing this again.
Randy: What do you mean? Of course I am.
Sharon: Stan wanted us to take him to the pumpkin patch.
Randy: Sharon, you know the week leading up to Halloween is always my Witch Party Week with the guys.
Sharon: Yeah, and you guys get wasted.
Randy: We have some drinks. Come on, all the other guys' wives aren't being bitchy about it.
Scene Description: The street, moments later. Gerald pulls up to Randy's house and honks. Randy comes out with a case of Jack Daniels and heads for the car.
Randy: Sup, witches! [gets into the car]
Gerald: Alright, Randy's got the JD!
Randy: Yep. Who's got the other stuff.
Stuart: Kevin said he's bringing it. [Randy chuckles, then the other men join in]
Scene Description: Heidi's room, evening. Cartman is there, waiting on her.
Cartman: [Impatient, yet quiet] Come on, come on... [normal voice] Sweetheart, can we get going, please?
Heidi: [from her closet] Hang on, babe. Just a couple more things. [tosses out random pieces of clothing]
Cartman: Honey, the pumpkin patch opened like an hour ago and 'member how I was saying I want to get there early?
Heidi: [dressed in a black spider suit and orange skirt with bats on it] What do you think?
Cartman: [urgently] Great, perfect. Let's go to the pumpkin patch.
Heidi: Yup! Almost ready. [gets up on her chair and pulls out two items from her dresser]
Cartman: Wha-what?
Heidi: Okay, spider or the bat?
Cartman: [getting exasperated] The spider's great.
Heidi: Really? 'Cause I think I like the bat.
Cartman: [quietly, from the other side of her bed] Why does she do this every time?
Heidi: What, babe?
Cartman: [urgently] I said it's time. Boy, look at the time.
Heidi: 'Kay, all set.
Cartman: [leaves the bedroom] 'Kay, here we go, going to the pumpkin patch.
Heidi: [leaves the bedroom] Okay! Oh! I forgot my glitter lip gloss! [heads for the bathroom]
Cartman: You don't need glitter lip gloss!
Heidi: [stops short of the bathroom, turns around and walks back] Eric, are you upset? Do you need to talk about something?
Cartman: No! No, we don't need to talk! Ah, I'm super happy!
Heidi: Oh, okay. [heads back to the bathroom, and Cartman is dejected. Heidi looks back for a second] Hang on, I gotta pee. [closes the bathroom door]
Cartman: Cool, you got to pee again. Awesome.
Scene Description: The woods, night. At a parking lot, several cars are parked next to each other. As Gerald pulls into a parking space, two other men get out of their own car.
Stephen: Almost thought you guys were gonna bail on us.
Randy: [chuckling] Yeah, right. We're gonna miss the first night of the party.
Gerald: Sup, Stephen, Chip.
Chip: Just ready to party farty, witches. [holds up two six-packs of Samuel Adams beer]
Randy: Well, I got the Jack.
Thomas: [steps out of his truck with Steve] And I got the crack.
Randy: Oh yeah! Jack and Crack Witch Week! Let's do this!
Gerald: Everybody up the hill! [the men proceed up the hill, singing Wang Chung's "Everybody Have Fun Tonight"]
The men: Everybody have fun tonight Jack and Crack Witch Week tonight Everybod-
Scene Description: The Turner house, evening. Heidi's parents have been chatting with Liane as they wait for the kids to come down the stairs.
Mr. Turner: Thanks for taking the kids out tonight, Ms. Cartman. Heidi's been looking forward to it.
Liane: Oh yes, my little Eric just loves the pumpkin patch. It's one of his favorite events of the year.
Cartman: Okay, come on, let's go.
Liane: All right, you kids all ready?
Cartman: [directing his comments at Heidi upstairs] Yup. All set to go to the pumpkin patch! It's been open for over an hour now! [Heidi finally comes down the stairs]
Nancy Turner: Ohoh, don't you look cute, Heidi.
Cartman: [goes to the front door and opens it] Awesome. Here we go, heading out now!
Heidi: Hold on, Eric. I want a picture.
Cartman: No! Pumpkin patch is gonna, eh-
Heidi: Will you take a picture, dad?
Cartman: See, all the best pumpkins get taken and then eh-
Mr. Turner: Cheese.
Cartman: Okay, come on! Here we go, going out the door! Go, Mom!
Heidi: Bye Daddy! Love you!
Cartman: [at the car door] 'Kay, here we go to the pumpkin patch!
Heidi: Oh crap. Hang on! I forgot my bracelet!
Cartman: [in the car] Oh my fucking God!
Liane: Eric, potty mouth.
Cartman: Arrrrrrrrgh!
Scene Description: The woods, night. Stephen starts a campfire. Randy serves up the Jack Daniels, then takes a drink and sighs. The other men drink their cups too. The men then share a crack pipe, and then they form a circle around the campfire and slowly go around it.
The men: Put a spell on our bosses. Put a spell on our wives. A hex on the Patriots. Let's fuck up their lives!
Randy: And screw the Raiders too!
The men: Yeah! [some time passes and they're getting wasted]
Randy: No way. Check out Stephen, you guys.
Stephen: [walks around as if riding a broom] Heeheeheehee. Happy Witch Week! [falls to the ground face first] Ow. [the other men laugh at him.]
Chip: [walks in with a book] Hey, HEY! [the partying stops] You guys wanna see some real witchcraft? [no one replies for a few seconds]
Randy: Oooooooooooooo. [the men laugh]
Chip: I mean it! I got this spell book last month. Got it in Salem, Massachusetts. They say it's real.
Randy: Like real, how?
Chip: Like from the Devil himself. You guys wanna try it?
The men: Yeah.
Scene Description: Dr. Spooky's Pumpkin Patch, night. People are leaving with pumpkins as Cartman and Heidi arrive. Cartman jumps out of the car and runs towards the patch.
Heidi: Hey, wait up, babe! [Cartman stops, closes his eyes, and stretches out his hand for Heidi to take when she catches up to him]
Butters: [walks by with his pumpkin and his mom] Hey, where you been, Eric?
Scott: Oh boy! What a great time that was.
Ticket-taker: Thanks for coming, kids. [sees Cartman and Heidi approaching] Oh, you just getting here?
Cartman: Yeah, we are just getting here.
Ticket-taker: Okay uh, go on in, I suppose. Petting zoo's closed, and I think they stopped the churro machine.
Cartman: The petting zoo's cl- The petting zoo's closed?
Ticket-taker: Yeah. You can still maybe do the bouncy house.
Heidi: Come on, babe!
Scene Description: The woods, later. Chip is reading from the spell book.
Chip: Arkna. Peduum. Uthnod boral.
Randy: That's pretty cool. [strikes up a crack pipe]
Chip: Uthnod boral! Uthnod alvernderaal! Wickus! [a green glow emanates from the book] Stayfalls-wuh. Uh.
Randy: Whoa, whoa, whoa whoa whoa.
Chip: Ach. Oh, it burns!
Stephen: Okay, Chip. You might need to ease up on that crack there, buddy. [Chip drops the book and screams, and begins to transform into an actual witch. A broom flies to him and he rides off on it, cackling]
Scene Description: South Park, night, seconds later. Chip flies over the town and past South Park Elementary, where the parent/teacher conference is being held.
Chip: I'll kill you all! Kill you all!
Scene Description: Park County Community Center, moments later. Chip flies up cackling and begins lobbing flaming jack-o-lanterns at the adults there. One of them crashes into the parking lot and throws off a few people with its impact. Another one hits a car, stopping it in its tracks and wrecking it. The passengers get knocked out from the impact. Everyone else tries to disperse, screaming.
Chip: [cackling] You'll all be dead by Halloween! [cackles some more]
Scene Description: Dr. Spooky's Pumpkin Patch. Everyone is running out.
Ticket-taker: Get out! Everyone out!
Cartman: What do you mean?! I just got here!
Ticket-taker: There's a witch! [Chip flies in and starts bombing the patch]
Heidi: Come on, Eric!
Cartman: No! I missed it! I missed it all! [Heidi pulls him away. Chip sees a boy, plucks him off the ground and carries him away]
Scene Description: The Marsh house, next day. Randy comes down the stairs quite beat from the might before, goes to the fridge, gets out a gallon of fruit punch, and drinks straight from it, sighing with satisfaction. He turns and notices Sharon with her arms crossed.
Randy: Oh. Hey, didn't see you there.
Sharon: Did you hear anything about what happened last night?
Randy: Uuuhhh, nnno, what happened?
Sharon: Your buddy, Chip Duncan? [holds up her phone, on which there's a news report about it] Apparently, he flew around on a broom, blew things up, and kidnapped some children?
Randy: Are you serious?!
Sharon: You heard nothing about this?! He flew away vowing we'd all be dead by Halloween!
Randy: [hands her back the phone and walks off] God, I knew that guy was a fuckin' chode!
Sharon: Randy, what did you guys do at that party?
Randy: [turns around] Nothin'. We were just hangin' out and talkin' and stuff, and then Chip got all weird.
Sharon: People were hurt!
Randy: Yeah, I agree! It's awful! We're not like Chip, okay?! He's a bad witch!
Scene Description: South Park Elememntary cafeteria, lunchtime. The kids are nervous, looking over their shoulders. The core group of boys is at table eating lunch.
Kyle: Did any of you guys actually see the witch?
Jimmy: Yeah, it was terrifying. She had a broom and a cackle and everything.
Token: What are we gonna do, guys?
Butters: Our parents are never gonna let us trick or treat with a flying witch around! [next to him, Cartman has an angry glare on his face]
Kyle: They say she blew up the pumpkin patch. Did any of you guys see that?
Stan: No, I missed the whole thing. I always try to get to the pumpkin patch really early.
Butters: Yeah, I got there really early too. You get the best pumpkins that way. Anyways, I guess the witch destroyed the whole thing. [the camera begins to focus on Cartman's glare]
Stan: We've got to take matters into our own hands. None of us is safe.
Butters: Yeah, but what are we gonna do?
Kyle: No, we've got to just hope the police will handle it.
Stan: Yeah, right. Like they'll handle anything. [from a nearby table, Heidi peeks past Bebe and smiles at Cartman, waving at him]
Token: Stan's right. This might fall on us. [Cartman waves back, his glare fixed on her]
Butters: Yeah, we've got to save Halloween. Don't you think so, Eric?
Cartman: [his concentration is broken] What?
Butters: We've got to do something to get rid of her!
Cartman: Yes. You're right, guys. It's my only way out.
Scene Description: The Marsh house, day. Sharon is watching TV on the sofa. Randy, in costume, walks past her with another case of Jack Daniels.
Randy: All right, see you, Sharon. Have a good night.
Sharon: [displeased] Where do you think you're going?
Randy: What do you mean? It's Day 2 of Witch Week with the guys.
Sharon: [stands up] You can't possibly be considering doing this again!
Randy: Why not?
Sharon: Randy, a real witch is flying around in the skies snatching children! I don't think this is the best time for you to be wearing a witch costume and partying!
Randy: Wugh! Gau! Just because of one bad witch we're supposed to stop a tradition that goes back twenty-someodd years?! Jesus! [turns around and walks out the front door]
Scene Description: Gerald's car. Randy walks to it and enters. The mood is subdued due to the flying witch.
Gerald: Hey Randy.
Randy: Sup guys?
Ryan: You know, just getting a bunch of shit for being witches.
Randy: I know, right? It's like, there's one awful witch who wants to kill everybody, so now they're coming after all of us. This is like a witch... thingy.
Stuart: It's like a witch pursuit thingy.
Randy: A witch uhhh-
Gerald: It's a witch chase and shoot 'em up.
Randy: Yeah, that's what it is!
Scene Description: The woods, second night. The cars pull into the same lot as before, but now a sign is shown: Sentinel Hill park, which is closed. The men get out of their cars and walk up to another sign posted on an orange barricade.
Ryan: Hey, what the hell is this?
Randy: [reading the sign] "Park closed until further notice". That's bullshit!
Stuart: Oh my God.
Randy: They can't do this! The whole town really is on a witch pursuit thing!
Scene Description: South Park, night. Chip is back in the air bombing houses, and people run to get out of the way. Chip spots Leroy and scoops him up.
Scene Description: Kyle's room, night. he's on his computer reading a Wikipedia article on witches. Stan, Kenny, and Butters stand behind him looking at the screen.
Kyle: Check this out, you guys. It says that to destroy a witch you need bent pits, nine in all, each bent into an L shape.
Stan: What are bent pits? [Cartman walks in with some plans]
Cartman: Hey guys, I think I got it figured out.
Stan: You do?
Butters: I knew Eric would come up with a plan! [Cartman puts up a drawing of his plan, which involves the boys luring Heidi to her death, burying the body, and celebrating her death with a pizza. He then brings out his retractable pointer and starts pointing]
Cartman: Okay, first of all, we need a scary place to lure her into. What is the creepiest place in town? Ross Dress for Less, that's right. Stan and Kyle will wait inside the Ross Dress for Less, and I will bring Heidi there. Once inside, Kenny and Butters will set off a series of explosions that will-
Stan: Wait wait wait wait. What the fuck are you talking about?
Cartman: This is how we're going to get rid of Heidi.
Kyle: Nobody's talking about getting rid of Heidi!
Cartman: You guys said you would help me get rid of her!
Kyle: OF THE WITCH!
Cartman: Who cares about a witch?! My life is a living hell, you guys!
Kyle: Then break up with her! You clearly can't stand her! LET THE POOR GIRL GO!
Cartman: I've tried! It's impossible!
Kyle: Heidi is a nice girl! How could you be so awful to her?!
Cartman: You don't understand! She has no time-management skills whatsoever! You don't know 'cause you've never had a girlfriend, Kyle! [Kyle just stares angrily at him] Fine. Just leave me to suffer. Next time you want me to kill someone for you, just forget about it! [leaves the room]
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The Mayor is speaking to the students and their parents in the gym.
Mayor McDaniels: Students and parents, I know that you are all concerned about the witch who is preying upon our town, and I wanna speak to you all about how to try and protect yourselves. But first, some gentlemen have asked to speak on what they perceive to be a [does air quotes] "witch pursuit thing". [walks off the stage as the gentlemen in costume get on stage and arrange themselves around the mic]
Richard: Oh wait, I'm supposed to be-
Randy: Yeah, sure, no. [to Stuart] You go over there.
Stuart: Right. Right right right. [music starts and they begin singing]
The men: We're all on the same side, you and I. Let's all stick togetha, let's try. When things are going bad and there's people you need to confront. Just be sure it doesn't turn into a witch pursuit thing.
Stephen: [as the other men provide ambient harmony] Hey guys, there's good witches and there's bad witches, and we stand with you in saying this particular witch needs to be brought down. But that doesn't men we should all be closing parks and stopping all witch activity because [catches up with the others on vocals]
The men: Let's not turn this into a witch pursuit thing.
Kyle: [to Gerald] Dad, get out of here! We're trying to deal with an actual witch! Nobody's coming after you!
Gerald: Yes they are, boys! And next they'll be coming after you! 'Cause you're all little sons a witches!
Ryan: Right. You don't have to worry about us, going around snatching children. Only the other witch does that. [Cartman's face lights up and he looks at Heidi. He gets a mischievous look in his eyes]
Scene Description: Later, school hallway. Heidi is at her locker.
Cartman: Hey, babe.
Heidi: Oh. Hey Eric.
Cartman: Listen uh, there's a big fun costume party tonight and I was thinking you and me should go. What do you say?
Heidi: A costume party? With everything that's going on?
Cartman: Yeah, I just think, you know, we need to let off some steam and have a little Halloween fun, you know? I already have our costumes picked out.
Heidi: Well... I guess.
Cartman: Cool. I'll pick you up at 5.
Heidi: Well, maybe make it 4:30 if you're bringing the costumes. [Cartman turns left and walks away] I might need a little extra time getting ready.
Cartman: [stops, then mischievously] Ohohoh, I'm counting on it. [walks off]
Scene Description: The Marsh house, day. One of the good witches rings the doorbell, and Randy lets him in.
Stephen: Randy, can I talk to you?
Randy: Sure, Stephen.
Stephen: I've been doing a lot of thinking, Randy. About the past. About what we've done. I think it's time we come clean and tell everyone about the crack. And the spells against our wives.
Randy: [quickly closes the door and walks up to Stephen] Okay, look. You're freaked out, it's understandable.
Stephen: I have to admit what I've done wrong, Randy! I feel like everything's crashing down and I want Linda to hear it from me first.
Randy: Okay, we smoked a little crack. We put harmless spells on our wives. We were just messing around, it was harmless fun.
Stephen: Was it? Or did we close our eyes to what Chip Duncan was becoming?
Randy: Stephen, you can't turn on your own kind. That's what these witch pursuit thingies do, okay? They make everyone go crazy.
Stephen: I'm sorry, Randy. I have to clear my conscience.
Randy: [sighs] All right, Stephen. At least give us till tomorrow morning to talk to our wives and prepare them, all right? Can you just give us till morning?
Stephen: Yeah, sure. [walks to the front door] I'm sorry.
Randy: It's okay. It's okay. [Stephen leaves. A few second later, Randy is on the phone calling up someone] Hey, it's Randy. We've got until tomorrow morning to sacrifice Stephen to the Devil. I'll explain later, just get everyone together. And, maybe bring just a little bit of crack.
Scene Description: The woods, night. Cartman and Heidi, dressed as Hansel and Gretel, wander through it.
Heidi: Don't you think we should stay on the main roads, Eric? This seems like a bad place to be right now.
Cartman: Don't worry, Heidi. This is the fastest way to the party. [loudly] I'm sure the witch won't even notice us.
Heidi: Eric, come on, this is a bad idea. Let's turn around.
Cartman: Well, Heidi, if we'd been on time, we wouldn't need to take a short cut. But I wanted to give you your space to get ready.
Heidi: [sensing the sarcasm] Is that what this is about? You're still mad about the pumpkin patch, aren't you?
Cartman: Why would I be mad? You wanted to make sure you looked right, and then you had to eat and use the bathroom 40 times. I can't blame you for missing the pumpkin patch.
Heidi: I didn't use the bathroom 40 times! [Chip is heard above them] What was that? [the leaves in the trees rustle and she looks up] Eric! Did you hear that?! [she turns to see him, but he's gone] Eric?! Eric! Oh my God! Eric, are you okay?!
Chip: [finally appears] Well, well. What have we here?
Cartman: [barely above a whisper, hiding behind a fallen tree trunk] Sweet. Come on, come on.
Scene Description: Kyle's house, day. Stan, Kenny, and Butters show up, and Stan knocks on the door. Kyle answers the door.
Stan: Dude, is your dad home?
Kyle: No, I, I don't know where he is.
Stan: We can't find our dads either.
Butters: Yeah, and it turns out our dads and the bad witch were all part of the same witch group.
Stan: We asked our moms, and they said this has been going on for years. We've got to find them before something stupider happens.
Kyle: How are we gonna do that?
Stan: There's another guy. Someone else who was in the witches' club that hasn't been around for a while.
Kyle: Who?
Scene Description: The White House, night. The President, also dressed as a witch, is in the Oval Office.
President's Aide: [opens the door and looks in] Mr. President, you have an urgent call from a Butters Stotch?
Garrison: [lost in thought, he perks up] Butters? What's he want? [picks up the phone at his desk] This is the President.
Butters: Oh, uh, eh hello Mr. President. How are you?
Stan: [in Butters' room with Kyle and Kenny] Butter him up, Butters.
Butters: How uh, how is runnin' the country going?
Garrison: Oh, it's fine. You know, just makin' the country great again.
Butters: Did you get rid of all the immigrants like you said?
Garrison: I got rid of like, six of 'em so far. You know, it's a little harder than I thought.
Butters: Cool. Ah-and did you build that big wall you were gonna build?
Garrison: Don't be a dick, Butters. Are you just callin' to shit on my Halloween?
Butters: N-no, sir! I uh, well, the thing is, uh, didn't you used to do J and C Witch Week with our dads?
Garrison: Yeah, it was my favorite time of year. Now I just have to celebrate it alone.
Butters: Well, the thing is, Mr. President, one of the guys did a spell and took a bunch of children, and he's gonna eat 'em all.
Garrison: Lemme guess: Chip Duncan. Oh, that guy was always such a douche.
Butters: Mr. President, please, you've gotta help. Our dads can't do anything 'cause they're scared people are comin' after all wtiches.
Garrison: Comin' after all witches? Oh, Jeez...
Scene Description: Park County Police Station, night. It's all decked out for Halloween.
Sgt. Yates: So you were there when the witch showed up and took your girlfriend.
Cartman: Yes, it just came out of nowhere. I tried to save Heidi, but it was too late.
Sgt. Yates: What was your girlfriend wearing?
Cartman: She was dressed kind of like me, but had a simple Munich dirndl from Germany.
Rick: And you didn't stop at all to think that what you were doing might attract a witch?
Cartman: Excuse me?! Are you actually trying to blame the victim here?!
Rick: No, I'm just saying that if there's a big fat witch around, maybe you shouldn't walk around in the woods dressed as Hansel and Gretel.
Cartman: Ohhhhh!
Sgt. Yates: Whoa, whoa, not cool, Rick. Not cool.
Cartman: I will have your badge, sir!
Sgt. Yates: [looks towards the camera] Sorry folks, sorry.
Cop 1: Detective! Detective! Call just came in. The witch has been spotted at Ross Dress For Less.
Sgt. Yates: Everyone to Ross Dress For Less, now!
Scene Description: Ross Dress For Less, night. Only a couple of cars are in the parking lot, and the store is closed. A witch wanders into view.
Stephen: Guys? I'm here. Guys? What's this all about?
Randy: Hello, Stephen.
Stephen: Oh, hey. What are we meeting here for?
Ryan: It's too late, Stephen. We called the police. We know you took those children.
Stephen: What? What uh, What are you doing?
Steve: [accompanied by Stuart] Here he is, everybody! Stephen's a bad witch!
Stephen: Nooo! [people begin to gather around the witches]
Randy: We're putting a stop to you, Stephen, because that's what good witches do!
Stephen: Oh my God! I see what this is! This witch pursuit thing has you on a witch pursuit thing now! [several police cars pull into the parking lot and officers pour out of them] I'm innocent. Please!
Sgt. Yates: It's over, Stotch. What have you done with the children?
Stephen: Noho, don't you see?! They're just doing their own witch pursuit thingy now! This is madness! [Chip is heard cackling from up in the air. Everyone looks up to see him flying over Ross Dress For Less, then hug their kids to keep them safe]
Chip: [lands and gets off the broom] Hey, what's up, bros?
Stephen: "What's up, bros?" Chip, do you see all the chaos you've caused?
Chip: Yeah, so? I'm a witch.
Randy: Ugh, you understand everyone associates us with you, right?
Chip: Of course they do. You're all witches too, dudes!
Steve: Not like you!
Stuart: What'd you do with the children?
Chip: They're all in here! See? [opens his bag]
Kids: [voices heard while light emanates from the depth of the bag] Daddy, help! Mommy, help! Ahh!
Chip: I'm going to use their souls to increase my power!
A townsman: Look! Another witch is flying down now! [a shot of Air Force One flying towards town]
Scene Description: Butters' room, night. He's typing something on his computer when Stan enters his room with Kyle and Kenny behind him.
Stan: Butters, come on! We've gotta go!
Butters: Okay! Where?
Stan: I guess our witches were gonna sacrifice your witch, but then the bad witch showed up and now the witch we called just arrived. There's witches everywhere!
Butters: Holy moly! [leaves his chair and follows the others out]
Scene Description: The Ross Dress For Less parking lot. Randy tries to reason with Chip.
Randy: Look, Chip, if we had known you were gonna hurt people, we would have never even hung out.
Chip: Oh, give me a break, Randy.
Randy: No, seriously.
Chip: Like if one of you guys had the power I have, you wouldn't use it.
Randy: No we wouldn't!
Garrison: Excuse me. [makes his way to the front of the group]
Chip: Oh, hey man!
Garrison: You're ruining the party for everyone, Chip! I'm here to take you out!
Chip: [cackles] You'll never stop me! [levitates] I grow more powerful every moment!
Garrison: You wanna see real power? [into his pocket mic disguised as a lapel pin] All right, take the shot. [a solar-powered satellite takes aim at the President's location with three beeps, and two lasers shoot down towards it. The shot obliterates Chip, but his bag and broom fall away unscathed. A few moments of stunned silence, and the witches celebrate as Garrison fist-pumps. Two officers quickly come up and open the bag]
Peter: [pops out of the bag] I'm free! [two girls pop out]
A girl: Mommy! Daddy! [the boy Chip plucked first pops out of the bag]
Sgt. Yates: Is that all of them?
Cop 2: There's one more little girl. Come on out, little girl.
Heidi: Okay. Just a second.
Cop 2: Com- come on, little girl. Everyone's waitin' on ya.
Heidi: Okay. Almost ready. Hang on.
Cartman: [sighs] It's gonna be a while.
Gerald: Well, we did it, guys.
Ryan: Everyone will be stoked on us now.
Randy: Hey! And there's still a few nights left of Jack and Crack Witch Week.
Garrison: Everybody follow me! I've got tons of Jack, tons of crack, and a jet! [the other witches cheer and follow him to the jet]
The men: Party's back on! We did it, guys!
Randy: [looks back at Sharon] Don't wait up, Sharon! I'm gonna party with El Presidente. [Sharon and remaining townspeople are mad]
Scene Description: The Turner house, day, Heidi's room. Cartman waits for Heidi on her bed as she plans out her costume in the closet. They're dressed in traditional Halloween costumes, he as Count Dracula, she as a black kitten.
Heidi: All ready to trick or treat?
Cartman: [bored] Yeah, no. I've been ready for a couple hours now.
Heidi: Cool. I just wanna put on some lip gloss. Do these stockings go with this outfit? I thought maybe I should use the red ones. [Cartman removes his fake teeth and throws them on the floor] Is it cold out? You think I should put a hoodie on over this? Nah, covers up my costume too much, don't you think? [Cartman throws his plastic jack-o-lantern pail to the floor] Okay, all ready. [Cartman perks up a bit] Oh wait, hang on. [she goes back into her closet, Cartman's perk is gone] I can't decide if I should wear leggings or not. Is it gonna be cold? Should I just-


Scene Description: Heidi's house, night. She's in her room, in bed, but can't sleep. She has her phone with her, on her bed. A call comes in and she picks up. It's Cartman, of whom she has a wallpaper on her phone. She sighs and answers.
Heidi: [expectantly] Yes, Eric?
Cartman: [sobbing uncontrollably] Heidi! Heidi! Heidi! Heidi! Heidi! Heidi! Heidi!-
Heidi: Eric, this isn't working.
Cartman: Heid- Heidi, no, please! Heidi, Heidi, I would be nothing without you, okay? I'm sorry. Okay? Please!
Heidi: You called me a whore and pushed me in front of a car.
Cartman: Heidi, I was in a bad mood! I told you, that's what happens after I eat! My blood sugar spikes and I get all anxious, and then I cra-
Heidi: Eric, you just can't keep being mean to me and blaming it on your blood sugar.
Cartman: But ih, but it's true, Heidi! It's all my mom's fault. She feeds me all this crap, and my body doesn't know how to process it. Mom! Mom!
Liane: Yes, hon?
Cartman: You fucked up my life, Mom! Fuck you! How could you feed me like that, you bitch?! Get outta here!
Heidi: Eric, if blood sugar is really the problem, then you need to change how you eat, right?
Cartman: Right. Like, whattaya whattaya mean?
Heidi: Eric, every time I've talked to you about maybe being a vegan with me, you just tell me vegans are pussies. But then you try and blame food and your mom for being-
Cartman: It is the food, and it is my mom, Heidi! It is! I wanna be vegan with you! I need your help to show me how. Please, Heidi. I need you right now, more than ever. I wand to do this. Please!
Heidi: You really mean it?
Cartman: Yes, Heidi! That's how much I love you! I'm vegan from now on.
Heidi: All right, Eric. We'll see how this goes, okay? See you tomorrow.
Cartman: Okay. Okay, bye, honey. [hangs up]
Scene Description: The cafeteria, lunchtime. The boys are at their usual table chatting, and Cartman looks pissed again.
Cartman: That dirty whore! Who does that bitch think she is?! Packing my lunch for me?! Fuck her, dude!
Jimmy: Pissed off at your girlfriend again, huh Eric?
Cartman: She's not a girlfriend! She's a controlling, manipulative whore!
Kyle: That's enough, Cartman! I am so sick of hearing you call Heidi horrible things!
Cartman: That's because you don't understand how much it sucks to be in a relationship!
Heidi: [approaching] Hey babe.
Cartman: Oh hey babe, what's going on?
Heidi: What are you up to?
Cartman: [uninterested] Nothin', just tellin' the guys how awesome it is to be vegan.
Heidi: [happy] That's great. You wanna come eat with me? I can explain what I packed.
Cartman: Yeah, sure. That sounds awesome. [he leaves with her]
Kyle: I don't get it. I just really don't get it. How is she still supporting him?!
Stan: She loves him, I guess.
Kyle: But he clearly sucks! She has to know he sucks. What the hell is going on?!
Butters: Well, it's not our problem.
Kyle: It is our problem. This is affecting us! Our whole school. There's got to be a reason she sticks by him.
Scene Description: After school. The bell rings and kids pour out of the building.
Kyle: [spots her and runs up] Oh Heidi? Heidi, you got a sec?
Heidi: Oh. Hey Kyle.
Kyle: Hey. Uh, listen, uh... I-I know you and Cartman have an anniversary coming up and, I was just wondering, you know, um. How do you think he's doing? Aaas a boyfriend.
Heidi: Well, whattaya mean?
Kyle: Well, you know, like, some of us are thinking that, uh, maybe he's not super-qualified to be with you?
Heidi: Oh, God, not you too.
Kyle: Just, like, what are the things about Cartman that you find remotely redeeming?
Heidi: Look, don't you think I get it enough from my girlfriends? "He sucks, Heidi. What's wrong with you? Why can't you admit he's a loser? How could anyone ever go with him?" I was just following my heart. Isn't that what you're supposed to do?
Kyle: You don't have to get defensive. I just-
Heidi: [gets in his face] Who's being defensive?! He's great! We're doing great! I didn't make a bad decision! I don't need you to stand there and say "I told you so!" [turns around and walks off]
Kyle: I didn't say "I... [she whips around again] told you-"
Heidi: [points at him] You know, you don't know what Eric's like when we're alone, okay? He's actually really good to me. [turns around and walks away]
Kyle: Wooow.
Scene Description: Heidi's house, day. Cartman is at the front door knocking insistently. Heidi walks to it and opens it.
Cartman: Heidi! [walks in with a bag of food] Oh my God, you're not gonna believe this.
Heidi: What?
Cartman: You were so right [Heidi closes the door] when you said there were vegan options for everything. [puts the food on the table] Remember how you told me about Beyond Meat?
Heidi: Yeah, the vegan meat that's made with all vegetables and plants.
Cartman: Well, I tried it and you were right. You can't even tell the difference between that and real meat.
Heidi: Really? That's great, babe.
Cartman: So now I've been trying all kinds of vegan foods. You gotta try this. It's called Beyond KFC.
Heidi: Oh wow.
Cartman: It's all plant based, soy protein, and just- y-you gotta taste it. Just try it.
Heidi: [Heidi tries a breaded breast] It tasted just like KFC.
Cartman: I know, right?! Isn't that crazy?! [Cartman eats another breaded breast] Like, like seriously, how can you even tell that this was vegan? Try the, try the Beyond Mashed Potatoes and Gravy too. [hands her the mashed potatoes and gravy] They say you can even drink the Beyond Gravy by itself as like a protein boost. [eats some more of his breast while she eats the mashed potatoes and gravy] I don't know about you, but I could eat this every day.
Heidi: Yeah, it's really good.
Cartman: [evilly narrowing his eyes to slits] Delicious.
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The bell rings as students go to their lockers to switch out books. As Stan, Kenny, and Butters walk down the hallway. Kyle catches up to them. Token joins them as well.
Kyle: Guys, listen: I think I know why Heidi won't admit Cartman's a horrible boyfriend.
Stan: Dude, are you still on this?
Kyle: Yeah! It's important.
Butters: Maybe she's telling the truth, Kyle. Maybe Eric really does love and support her in ways that we don't see.
Cartman: [running up to them] You guys! You guys! Have you seen Heidi? [walks on past them]
Stan: No.
Cartman: Well uh, we've been trying some different foods lately and uh, [turns around] Heidi's put on some pounds, you guys.
Token: Heidi's getting fat?
Cartman: Yeah, Token. Don't start rippin' on me for havin' a fat girlfriend, alright? Just try and be cool about it. [smiles]
Heidi: [walks up behind him] Hey babe.
Cartman: Oh, hey hey hey, Heidi. What's goin' on? [a surprised look flashes on his face]
Heidi: I-ah, I'm not feeling the best again. [Cartman smiles again] I might see if my mom can come pick me up.
Cartman: Pick you up? That could be tough. [a shot at the boys, who just look blankly at him and Heidi. Kyle, though, is not amused]
Heidi: I, I know, but I just feel bloated. I think there might have been something bad in that Beyond Arby's.
Cartman: Yeah, well, cool, babe. Maybe you should uh, just waddle on down to the nurse's office. [the surprised look flashes on his face again, then disappears]
Heidi: Can you come with?
Cartman: Oh sure. [they turn around and walk away, but Cartman looks over his shoulder and points at Heidi's bloated figure]
Kyle: We have to help that girl. Can't you see what's happening?
Stan: Kyle, it's none of our business.
Kyle: You're wrong. In a way... I think we're all going out with Cartman right now.
Scene Description: The Oval Office, day. The President is on the phone.
Garrison: Uh huh. Yeah, I understand that, faggot. And you should understand how my balls are gonna taste when your country starts needing money. I don't give two shits about a treaty. You're a Polish midget. [A knock is heard at the doors] Come in. [three advisers come in - Mike Pence, Paul Ryan, and Mitch McConnell - and Garrison gets back on the phone] Uh huh. Hang, uh hang on. I'm gonna call you back. Yeah, go fuck yourself, retard. [hangs up]
Mitch McConnell: Mr. President, we have a problem. People are pretty upset.
Garrison: Hoh, don't tell me people are still made about that n*gger thing.
Mike Pence: It's pronounced Niger, Mr. President. And it's a country in Africa.
Garrison: Oh, aren't we fancy. Okay, I don't want a bunch of [finger quotes] Nigers in Africa aiding terrorists.
Paul Ryan: Mr. President, you need to be a little more careful. There's an investigation. A worker with ties to Russia was found raped and executed.
Garrison: Raped and executed? Oh, you mean fucked to death? Oh yeah, that was me.
McConnell: Mr. President, people are starting to question your oath to the office.
Garrison: My oath to the office was that I would fuck everyone to death, remember?
Memberberries: Ooo, I 'member. Me too, I 'member. I 'member that.
Garrison: [to the berries] You guys be quiet, [to his advisers] and you guys just get out there and put a positive spin on this whole thing.
McConnell: How are we supposed to put a positive spin on it?
Ryan: It's getting pretty hard to keep defending you. Maybe it's time we put our foot down.
Garrison: Oooo. [whips out a remote control and presses a button on it, making the doors close and lock automatically. The advisers turn to see this] Hope you brought some condoms.
Scene Description: The school gym, day. Most of the girls are in vollyball practice, but six of them are in the bleachers. The side gym doors open and Kyle walks in. The girls stop practice only when he gets onto the court. He holds his hands up. The girls are not happy to see him.
Kyle: Hello. I know things have been difficult between us lately. I know you think all boys are sort of pigs, but just know that a lot of us boys think girls are amazing and smart and beautiful. [dead air] Not, not like hot-beautiful, I mean like inside-beautiful. I, I'm not saying you're hot. You're not, you're not hot. I'm not saying you're ugly. It doesn't matter- you're all hot on the inside. If we could all just see inside you, it would be hot. [realizes he's out on a limb] Oh, shit.
Wendy: What do you want, Kyle?
Kyle: It's Heidi Turner. You guys shouldn't criticize her so much for going with Cartman.
Annie: Why not? Eric Cartman's a horrible person.
Kyle: I know! I, I know that, okay? Trust me, I hate Cartman as much as any of you, but just, give her some space, you know? You can't keep on saying "We told you so", because if you make her feel dumb, she just doubles down and tries to prove herself that it wasn't dumb.
Nichole: Why do you care? Do you like Heidi?
Kyle: No!
Molly: Oh my God, he so likes Heidi.
Lola: Obvi.
Kyle: No I don't! ... Do I?
Scene Description: The school hallway, day. Kyle is sitting on some steps surprised at his fondness for Heidi showingn through.
Butters: [walks up to him] Hey, Kyle. Hey, I was thinkin' about what you said. How we should all help Heidi break up with Eric? You're right, it's our moral obligation.
Kyle: Yeah, no, we're not getting involved with that.
Butters: Oh, we're not?
Kyle: [stands up]Yeah, no, yeah, I uh dya, I think we need to stay out of it. [walks away]
Butters:	Oh. Okay then.: Dialog
Scene Description: Cartman's locker, moments later. Cartman is switching out books when Kyle walks up to him.
Kyle: Cartman, can we talk?
Cartman: Sure, Kyle. What's up? [brings out a harness and puts it on]
Kyle: I just, I hope that maybe you can realize what you have with Heidi and, and just try to be good to her, okay?
Cartman: Kyle, let me tell you something about relationships. There's always two sides, okay? You compromise, she compromises. Sometimes you criticize each other, but it's all part of trying to make each other better. [picks up a big bass drum and straps it onto the harness, then picks up some drumsticks] Someday, maybe you'll have a girlfriend and you'll understand. Oh, here she comes. [at the far end of the hallway, Heidi rounds the corner and walks towards them, and Cartman starts beating the drum] BOOM baba BOOM baba. Clear the hallway everyone, Heidi's comin' through.
Heidi: [walks up to Cartman] Wha, what are you doing, Eric?
Cartman: I was just practicing marching bass drum for my buddy Kyle. It's his favorite.
Heidi: Oh, okay. Um, are we still on for lunch?
Cartman: You betcha, can't wait.
Heidi: Okay, see ya. [walks away, vaguely upset]
Cartman: [resumes the drum beat] BOOM baba BOOM baba BOOM!
Scene Description: Breaking news.
Anchor Bill Keegan: Some concern over the President's competency again today. It was during a Middle East peace conference when the President referred to the people of Saudi Arabia as a bunch of "dirty sand Nigers". Though the comments seem divisive, Speaker of the House, Paul Ryan, says he's sticking by his President 100%. [next shot is of Paul Ryan with a black eye stained with semen]
Reporter: Speaker Ryan, it's the anniversary of the President being elected. How do you think he's doing?
Ryan: Well whattaya mean? He's great. We're doing great. A lot of people judge him and just see the negative. People don't know how great the President can be behind closed doors. They don't get to see all his good qualities.
Reporter: Uh huh. And is that semen on your black eye?
Ryan: Oh. No, I-uh I tripped on a doorknob and uh that's just, that's doorknob cum.
Scene Description: The school gym, day. Heidi is all alone there, sitting on the bottom bleacher lost in thought. Kyle sees her from one end of the court. He sighs quietly and walks up to her.
Kyle: You doin' okay, Heidi?
Heidi: I keep thinking Eric's going to change.
Kyle: [sits down next to her and sighs] Heidi, people like Cartman, they always make things someone else's fault. We all wrongly see ourselves as the victims sometimes, but Cartman sees himself as the victim all the time. He'll always find someone to blame for his shortcomings, and because of that, he's never gonna change.
Heidi: Before we started going out I was in a really bad place. I felt... pushed away by society. Then this guy came along who told me all the things I wanted to hear, and I just went with it. Does that make me a bad person? [Rihanna's "Unfaithful" begins to play]
Kyle: No, Heidi. Good people make bad decisions every day.
Heidi: I've been defending him for so long. I don't know how I'm gonna face people if I finally give up. [next scene is Heidi looking through her scrapbook at the memories she and Cartman created together. His discomfort begins to show in the fourth picture. She closes the book, and her location is shown - she's in bed. Next scene shows her at her locker putting books away when she notices someone looking at her. It's Kyle, looking at her from his locker. He then puts his books into his locker. Next scene shows Heidi and Cartman at the park bench, where she leaves him and he grabs onto her leg to delay her departure. Next scene has Kyle receiving a letter from Heidi. He reads it and smiles. Next scene has Garrison and Xi Jinping holding a news conference, and three bar patrons back at home turning away and crying. Next scene shows the Turners having dinner at a restaurant, in a booth by the window]
Cartman: [sobbing outside the window] Please Heidi! [he pounds on the window a few times before finally sliding down to the ground] Please! [her parents are stunned. Next scene shows Kyle and Heidi on the school swings, chatting away]
Scene Description: Token's house, night. A light snow is falling when Cartman knocks on Token's door. Token answers and Cartman breaks out in tears.
Cartman: Hei-... Hei- Hei- Hei-, Hei- ... Hei- [Token slams the door on him. Seconds later the doorbell rings. Token goes back to answer it] Hei-, Hei-, Hei-
Token: [not happy] What do you want?
Cartman: Hei, Hei, Heidi broke up with me, Token.
Token: So?
Cartman: I have nothing now, Token. She was my whole world. Can, can I just stay here with you, please?
Token: What?! Why?! You still have a house!
Cartman: I know how you feel now, Token. To be pissed off at the world. To feel completely screwed over by society. I totally get it now. I wanna do what you guys do and go disrespect the flag and flip over cars and stuff. [Again, Token slams the door on him. Again the doorbell rings, and again Token goes to answer it] Token, pleeease! I'm sorry for everything! I really understand now how you guys feel! Please, what time is your family gonna go disrespect the flag and stuff? I wanna go with!
Token: Get outta here!
Linda: [appears behind Token] What's going on?
Token: [upset with Cartman] Nothing, Mom.
Cartman: Heidi broke up with meeeeee.
Linda: Token, he's freezing. [to Cartman] Come on in out of the snow.
Cartman: [entering] Thank youuuu.
Token: ...NO!!
Scene Description: The White house. Paul Ryan opens a door and looks both ways down the hallway and closes the door. He's got a folder with him as he joins two other men in the dark.
Ryan: Okay, we're safe to talk.
Pence: It's not safe! Nowhere is safe, don't you understand?! We're all about to get killed!
Ryan: Sshh, keep your voices down! Look at this!
Pence: What are all these numbers?
Ryan: The latest approval ratings. I've been researching our own independent poll. The President is tanking. These numbers are so low that we just might have an out. Well, don't you guys see what this means?
McConnell: I don't know anything, I'm just a turtle.
Ryan: It means that the swing voters are turning against him. It's those people that matter. Those are the ones who can finally turn this thing around!
McConnell: And then we don't have to get killed! We can't let the President know about this. just let him- [the door opens]
Garrison: [walks in] What are you guys talkin' about?
Pence: No, nothing, Mr. President.
Ryan: Nothing!
McConnell: No, nope!
Garrison: Just having' a little chat or somethin'?
Pence: [looks at the folder Pence is holding, takes it, and walks over to the President] It's an opinion poll, Mr. President. Your numbers are down and I wanted to show you so you could do something.
Ryan: Oh, you bitch! [to the President] I was the one who researched the poll, Mr. President!
Garrison: Let me see that. [takes the folder and leafs through it] Huh. Isn't that interesting? But it's not a problem. See, I know something about societal psychology that you three turd balls don't. Everything's gonna be fine.
Scene Description: Token's house, night. Cartman is eating dinner with them, still sniffling.
Cartman: So... You guys about done with the soup?
Linda: Don't you like it, Eric?
Cartman: Well yeah, no, it's great. It's just- well, what time do you guys usually go out and disrespect the flag and stuff?
Steve: What?
Cartman: Oh no... Don't tell me you guys already disrespected the flag and flipped over cars today. Did I miss it?
Steve: What the hell are you talking about?!
Token: I told you not to let him in.
Cartman: Please, I don't know what to do with all this anger and hurt!
Linda: I'm sorry your girlfriend broke up with you, Eric, but... maybe you'll get back together.
Cartman: No, no, we've broken up before, but this time it's different. I can tell. Something's changed with her. Heidi won't even answer my phone calls.
Steve: Heidi? Turner? The Turners' daughter?
Cartman: Yeah...
Steve: I thought she was with that Kyle Broflovski kid.
Cartman: [sadness switches to anger in a flash] What?
Steve: I saw them at the park today holding hands.
Cartman: [dramatic music begins] Kyle? Kyle?! Kyle!! [a montage begins with five marching happy Kyles appearing] Kyle! Kyle! Kyle Kyle Kyle! [a big red heart appears and breaks, and a line of smiling Kyles marches out of it in shades of pink. Next scene is a Jewish dance performed by hasidim. Next scene is Cartman out on the street striking a match...] Kyle! [...and burning a giant flag on the ground with it.] Kyle! [the flames spread to fill up the screen. The next scene shows a cackling Kyle coming up out of the water like a giant sea monster as Eric and Heidi hold on to each other. Kyle holds a menorah reminiscent of a trident. Next scene is another group of hasidim dancing] Kyle! [next scene is Cartman and Heidi running away, only to be stopped by Kyle popping up before them like an exploding volcano, cackling. Cartman and Heidi turn and run away again, but the ground around them is compromised and Kyle's shadow covers them both as they look up at him. Next scene is back at the dining room at Token's mansion] Kyle...
Steve: Yeah, Kyle.
Scene Description: South Park Elelentary, day. The school day begins as the last students walk in. Kyle walks down the hallway minding his own business when a scream makes him apprehensive.
Cartman: KYLE! [the other kids in the hallway clear the way as Cartman appears at the end of the hallway behind Kyle. Dramatic Western showdown music plays] I should have known. You lying snake!
Kyle: [turns around] Cartman, I didn't mean for things to happen the way they did.
Cartman: Did it bother you that I was happy?! Is that why you took her from me, Kyle?!
Kyle: Cartman, you weren't happy.
Cartman: Shut up, Kyle!
Kyle: All you did was bitch about her all the time.
Cartman: You're not gonna talk your way out of this one! This is the end, Kyle! It's you and me!
Kyle: Come on, Cartman. I-
Cartman: [slams Kyle into the lockers] You took everything from me!
Kyle: Stop it!
Cartman: All you've ever done is work to ruin my life! Well now I'm finally gonna fight back!
Butters: Fuck him up, Eric!
Cartman: [goes in for the attack] Aaah! [Kyle delivers a punch] Ugh! [Cartman goes down straight away] Fuck you, Kyle!
Kyle: I'm sorry, Cartman. You just have to accept that Heidi's moved on.
Scene Description: Buca De Faggoncini, night. The girls have taken Heidi out for dinner.
Molly: Guys, I just wanna say, here's to Heidi. Welcome back to the land of the living.
The other girls: Yay Heidi!
Heidi: [giggles] Thanks, guys. Thanks for taking me out. This is really fun.
Red: No worries. We're just glad you finally came to your senses.
Annie: Yeah, no kidding. We seriously thought you might marry that piece of shit! [the girls laugh]
Heidi: [a bit sheepish] Well, you know, he- he actually had some good qualities too.
Red: Uhh, yeah, like what? Racism?
Bebe: Or the sociopath part?
Courtney: Yeah. I mean, no offense, Heidi, but what the fuck were you thinking?
Lola: Guys, she admitted she made a mistake.
Molly: You make a mistake on your homework. What Heidi did was more like a momentary loss of all sanity. [the girls laugh]
Heidi: [feeling pushed away again] It was just what I believed in.
Bebe: Don't worry, Heidi. We're not gonna keep telling you we told you so.
Lola: But we told you so. [the girls laugh]
Bebe: The only thing I wanna know is... how did you bring yourself to actually KISS him?
The girls: Eewwww!
Red: Can you imagine? Eric Cartman's breath on your mouth?
The girls: Ew, ugh! [this is depressing Heidi as sad music begins to play]
Courtney: [imitating Cartman] Heidi, come here. I want to kiss you with my tongue!
The girls: Ew, ugh! [they laugh as Heidi wilts]
Scene Description: The park, day. Cartman sits at the park bench alone. Heidi walks up to him.
Heidi: Hi Eric.
Cartman: What are you doing here?
Heidi: I don't know. I think I- I just wanna make sure... you're doing okay. I want you to know I'll always care about you.
Cartman: [sniffles] That's good to know, 'cause like, nothing helps more when you're down than knowing that your girlfriend who broke up with you might care.
Heidi: [sits next to him] I'm sorry that I've hurt you. I think maybe I am just stupid and I don't know what I want and it ends up hurting people.
Cartman: No... You need to know something, Heidi. None of this is your fault.
Heidi: But I'm the one who-
Cartman: No. Heidi, none of this is your fault. There's stuff I never told you. It's time... It's time I did.
Scene Description: Kyle's house, night. He's in the bathroom getting ready for a date with Heidi. He styles his hair and puts hair gel on it. The doorbell rings, and he goes to answer it, putting on his hat on his way there. He opens his door and finds Heidi facing away from him.
Heidi: Hey.
Kyle: Hey! You all set to go?
Heidi: [walks in] I wanted to talk to you first.
Kyle: Okay, sure.
Heidi: Kyle, I've been under a lot of stress lately, and it was all making me really confused.
Kyle: Yeah, that's understandable.
Heidi: [turns and holds his hands] I was being manipulated, and I didn't even see it. I never do. And, I don't think you saw it either, Kyle.
Kyle: What do you mean?
Heidi: I've come to realize that it's not my fault. It's your fault, Kyle. You made all this happen. Made me question who I was.
Kyle: But Heidi, I thought-
Heidi: [puts her index finger on his lips] Shh. [walks away] But it's okay. You can't help it. It's how you were raised, what you were taught. My heritage is Irish, so I'm prone to being moody. And your heritage... well, you know... you can be a little sneaky sometimes and not even realize it. [turns left to walk out the door] I'm sorry, Kyle, but everybody's trying to live life the best they can. It's hard enough without your people always trying to get ahead. [walks out and closes the door]
Kyle: Dude... did she just call me a dirty Jew? [he walks to the window to see her walk away, and sees Cartman waiting for her. Cartman sees him at the window. Heidi meets Cartman and they walk away together, with Cartman looking over his shoulder at Kyle with a smug look on his face]
Scene Description: The Oval Office, evening. Pence, Ryan, and McConnell carry an anniversary cake over to the President. They're still wearing blankets, which could mean the White House isn't wasting money on heating.
Pence, Ryan, McConnell: Happy anniversary to you.
McConnell: Cha cha cha.
Pence, Ryan, McConnell: Happy anniversary to you.
McConnell: Cha cha cha.
Pence, Ryan, McConnell: Happy anniversary, Mr. President. Happy anniversary to you. [they put the cake on the desk, and the President blows out the candles]
Ryan: Congratulations, Mr. President.
McConnell: Looks like many more years of the same are to come.
Garrison: Oh, I don't think so. [walks out from behind the desk with a giant dildo strapped to his genitals.] I think the next three years are gonna be even better. [begins to laugh. Pence, Ryan, and McConnell laugh in response, but soon begin to cry, as they know what that dildo means]


Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day, the Special Education Bungalow A-5. Class is in session, with Counselor Steve teaching.
Steve: Okay guys, it's November and who can tell me what that means? [points] Yes, Francis?
Francis: It's time for the Special Ed Science Fair. [the other kids cheer]
Steve: That's right, the Science Fair is this weekend, and I know you're all very excited to show the projects you've been working on. [more cheers] This week we'll be hearing all about your projects and first up we have Nathan and Mimallah. [amid some applause and chatter, Nathan and Mimsy walk in with their project, a volcano]
Nathan: For our science fait project, we will be showing the destructive force of nature by simulating a volcano!
The kids: Ooooooh.
Nathan: With vinegar and baking soda, we will make this paper-mâché volcano EXPLODE.
The kids: Aaaaaaa.
Nathan: With the power and fury of Mount Kilauea. Our science fair project is sure to be... a blast. Get it? A. Blast.
Steve: All right, what do you guys think of Nathan and Mimallah's project idea? [the kids clap and cheer]
Nathan: We've done it, Mimsy. We're gonna win the science fair for sure. And then, every chick in this school is gonna wanna have sex with us.
Mimsy: Uh, gee boss, I don't know about sex with no chicken.
Nathan: [smack] Not those chicks, numbskull. I'm talkin' 'bout bitches. You know what girls like? They like winners. And when we win the science fair, we're gonna be up to our ears in pussy.
Scene Description: The school cafeteria, lunchtime. There are seven girls at a table with room for an eighth. The seven are Wendy, Nichole, Red, Theresa, Isla, Bebe, and Millie.
Wendy: Is it just me, or are things around here getting worse and worse?
Millie: It's definitely not just you. I think everyone's in shock that Heidi went back to Cartman.
Theresa: What keeps driving her back to him? It's so weird.
Isla: She's so... mean and angry these days.
Wendy: People change. They say you become more and more like the person you're with and, I guess it's true with Heidi.
Heidi: [joins the girls at the table] Hey guys. What's up?
Isla: Hey, Heidi.
Heidi: What are you guys talkin' about?
Nichole: Nothing.
Heidi: Bullcrap, you're all talkin' about me again. 'Cause you're judgmental bitches. [burps] Ehhh.
Wendy: Heidi, are you okay? It's just... you look...
Heidi: I look what?
Wendy: Ngh, you know, y-you just look-
Heidi: What? I look fat? Is that what you wanna say, Wendy? Fuck you, bitch!
Theresa: She's just concerned, Heidi.
Heidi: [mimicking] "Mehmehmehmehmehhh, Heidi". I'm just trying to enjoy my lunch here! Can I do it without you guys shitting on all over me?!
Scene Description: The Special Ed bungalow, day. Jimmy and Timmy are hard at work.]
Jimmy: All right, good, Timmy. Test 42a is successful. Let's move on to the next phase. [Nathan and Mimsy walk in]
Nathan: Well hello, gentlemen.
Jimmy: Oh hey fellas, we're doing great.
Timmy: Timmih!
Nathan: Thought we'd stop by to see how your- science fair project is going.
Mimsy: Dah I thought we was comin' to rub their faces in how good our science fair project was, boss.
Nathan: [gets mad, then smacks Mimsy] Shut up, Mimsyyy! [to Jimmy and Timmy] So what are you guys workin' on?
Jimmy: Oh, it's fantastic. This year, Tim-Tim and I are doin' our project on [looks into the microscope] water bears.
Nathan: Oh. Water bears. [backs up to Mimsy] You hear that, Mimsy? Like there's any such things as water bears. That blue science fair ribbon is as good as ours. [to Jimmy and Timmy] Well, we've gotta get back to our lava volcano. Good luck finding your, pft, water bears. [he and Mimsy turn around to walk out]
Jimmy: Oh, would you like to see them?
Nathan: [he and Mimsy stop and turn] What? Uh what are you talking about?
Jimmy: Timmy and I have gathered thousands of water bears. Take a look in the microscope. [Nathan steps forward to look into the microscope. He sees some water bears swimming around on the specimen slide. Jimmy continues] Water bears are water-dwelling, eight-legged micro-animals.
Timmy: Timmah.
Jimmy: They're one of nature's most resilient animals. [next slide] Studies have shown they can survive lava, and even the vacuum of space.
Nathan: What-? How-? [looks up] Where the fuck did you learn about these things?
Jimmy: Where all good scientists learn from. Octonauts.
Timmy: Octonauts!
Jimmy: Some scientists believe the study of water bears is key to human survival.
Mimsy: Aw jeez, that sounds a lot better than a lava volcano, huh boss?
Nathan: Well, not really, because the science fair is supposed to be an experiment. I fail to see what the experiment is here.
Jimmy: Oh, that's easy. You see, for the past several weeks, Tim-Tim and me have been training the water bears to respond to different sound waves. We found that they respond best to Taylor Swift. Hit it, Timmy. [Timmy presses a button offscreen, and Taylor Swift's "Look What You Made Me Do" begins to play] Take a look. [the Water Bears soon form a circle of eight of them on the specimen slide. Timmy turns off the player] We still have some training to do, but we're excited about the results. I have to admit, your lava volcano is pretty great too. Maybe we could tie for first place. [Nathan looks at Jimmy, then at Timmy, in shock]
Scene Description: Mr. Mackey's office, day. Someone knocks at his door]
Mackey: Come in.
Heidi: [enters the office] You wanted to see me, Mr. Mackey?
Mackey: Oh yes, Heidi, uh, we just wanted to see if you have transportation to the Special Ed Science Fair this weekend, or if you wanted us to set somethin' up for you.
Heidi: What?
Mackey: ...Uh, Saturday is the science fair, and, you're the judge for the competition?
Heidi: Judge a special needs science fair? Ahem, no thanks.
Mackey: Well, Heidi, is there a problem with you bein' the judge this weekend?
Heidi: Uhh, yeah? It's Saturday, and I don't wanna be at skewl?
Mackey: But you're always the judge of the Special Ed Science Fair because you're our best science student.
Heidi: So now I'm gonna be punished by being force to judge a bunch of handicapped kids?!
Mackey: But... Okay, you see, the problem is that you volunteered last month, Heidi. You said you wanted to do it, m'kay?
Heidi: Well how can you expect students to commit to things a month in advance?! [puts away a stray lock of hair under her cap] I don't even know what I want for dinner tonight.
Mackey: Look, the kids have worked really hard and have done some amazing projects.
Heidi: You're gonna force me to come to skewl on a Saturday?!
Mackey: Heidi, eh... is everything all right?
Heidi: Oh what? Are you gonna call me fat now too?! It just so happens I'm a vegan, which means it'd difficult for me to get enough protein, so my body doesn't burn fat, it burns muscle, which makes it look like I'm fat, but I'm actually WAY healthier than any of YOU!!
Mackey: Heidi, you're judging the Special Ed Science Fair this weekend.
Heidi: Oh, Goddammit!
Scene Description: The Special Ed bungalow, night. Nathan goes up the wheelchair ramp to the room door.
Nathan: [looks around] Mimsy! Come on! [reaches the door]
Mimsy: Okay Nathan. [joins him]
Nathan: Shhh, shut the fuck up! [picks the lock and opens the door. They go in, look around, then go to Jimmy and Timmy's project]
Mimsy: Gee, we could get in a lot of trouble. Ya, you sure we should mess with Jimmy and Timmy's science fair project?
Nathan: Mimsy, do you know what Jimmy is? He's a cock blocker.
Mimsy: Eh what's a cock blocker?
Nathan: Every time I come up with a way to score with the ladies, there's Jimmy tryin' to one-up me. This science fair is supposed to finally make us successful enough to get chicks.
Mimsy: D'aw, gee, I don't know if we should use our position of power to exploit women.
Nathan: ... [smacks Mimsy] I'm not letting those assholes win the science fair! [opens a medical bag] That's why I say, the only good water bears are dead water bears. [pulls out a bottle of lighter fluid and pours it into the tardigrade tank, then follows that up with a bottle of lye. He then gets a curling iron, plugs it in and turns it on, and sticks it into the tank, where it sparks and causes a chemical reaction] Let's go! [they run out of the bungalow as the reaction continues inside]
Scene Description: The bus stop, day. Instead of the usual four boys standing there, it's four girls - Wendy, Isla, Theresa, and an angry Heidi.
Heidi: This is bullcrap! How can they force me to be the science fair judge?! Now I know how it feels to be a slave!
Wendy: It's... not exactly like being a slave, Heidi.
Heidi: Yes it is! Am I being paid to judge the science fair? No. Do I have a choice? No. "Ohhh, yes masah. Lemme judge that science fair for ya, suh!"
Theresa: God, will you stop?!
Heidi: Theresa, don't get all aggro on me because you're pissed off your family lives in a trailer.
Theresa: My family doesn't live in a trailer. We live in a tiny home. My parents downsized to make a smaller footprint on the environment.
Heidi: That's what I said. Your family lives in a trailer.
Theresa: There's lots of progressive people living in tiny homes. There's five others on my block.
Heidi: Right. That's called a "trailer park."
Theresa: A-hi don't live in a trailer park!
Wendy: [to Theresa, about Heidi] Just don't even respond to her. Just ignore her.
Heidi: I'll try, but she's such a bitch.
Isla: She wasn't talking to you, Heidi.
Heidi: Oh, looks like Isla has something to say, you guys. Hold on, I'm sure this is going to be really profound. Go ahead, Isla, knock us out with you wit and satire. This should be good, you guys.
Cartman: [walks up to Heidi] Hey Heidi, what's up?
Heidi: [uninterested] Oh hey babe, what's going on?
Cartman: What are you up to?
Heidi: [her voice trails off] Nothiiing, just talking to my girlfriends about tiny homes.
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The school day has started and the last few students are going in. Nathan and Mimsy walk up to Nichole, Bebe, and Nelly.
Nathan: Well hello there, ladies.
Nelly: Oh, hi Nathan.
Nathan: We just wanted to remind you [hand Nichole a flyer] that this weekend is the Special Ed Science Fair.
Nichole: Oh, cool.
Nathan: Yeah, that's right. Pretty soon you'll all be impressed with what you see. Hope you can make it. [walks off with Mimsy. Moments later...] Did you see that, Mimsy? The way those girls bit their bottom lips when I said "science fair"? We're about to be drowning in muff.
Francis: Nathan! Mimallah! Yuh, you've gotta get to Special Ed!
Nathan: Special Ed class isn't for another two hours.
Francis: Nono, you've gotta see this! Jimmy and Timmy's water bears! They've changed!
Nathan: What?
Scene Description: The Special Ed bungalow, moments later. Counselor Steve is checking out the specimen slide through the microscope as the class gathers around and chatters.
Steve: Jimmy and Timmy, this is incredible! You've somehow made them even smarter. [Francis, Nathan and Mimsy enter]
Nathan: What's goin' on?
Jimmy: Nathan, it's amazing. The water bears we've trained are starting to display social advancements.
Mimsy: But they're supposed to be dead. [Nathan smacks him]
Nathan: [walks up to Jimmy and Timmy's table] What social advancement?
Jimmy: They've actually evolved to the point of doing the hokey pokey.
Nathan: The hokey pokey? [looks down into the microscope and sees the tardigrades. "The Hokey Pokey" plays as the water bears begin synchronized dancing] You've gotta be fucking kidding me.
Steve: Boys, this might be the single greatest Special Ed Science Fair project I've ever seen!
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, hallway. Cartman and Heidi walk down the hallway holding hands looking angry.
Heidi: Butters.
Butters: Whoa. [turns around] Uh hey.
Heidi: How would you like to be the judge for the Special Ed Science Fair this weekend?
Butters: Uhh, I can't. I'm going to a birthday party.
Cartman: Butters, don't be a dick!
Heidi: Yeah, don't make up excuses because judging handicapped students sounds terrible!
Cartman: Yeah, Butters! God! [rolls his eyes]
Clyde: [walks up to Heidi and Cartman] He's not making it up. It's my birthday party.
Cartman: Well then, could you invite Heidi, please? She needs an excuse not to have to go to the Special Needs Science Fair.
Stan: [walks into view with Kyle] What's wrong with supporting them? They're our friends.
Heidi: Because nobody wants to be trapped, in a gym, with Special Ed Science.
Kyle: Actually, some of their projects are pretty cool.
Cartman, and Heidi: Shut up, Kyle! [to each other] Samesies! [they kiss each other on the lips]
Heidi: Look, it's all just a complete waste of time! It's not like the Special Ed Science Fair is actually gonna contribute to society. [a helicopter is heard over the school. In front of the school, the helicopter lands on the lawn as several black cars and vans roll up to the school. A bunch of men in black suits get out of the vehicles and walk into school]
Jerry Jones: [leading the men] Move. Move aside, kids. Official business!
An NFL owner: Move it, children. [the kids make way for the NFL owners]
PC Principal: Excuse me, can I help you?
Jerry Jones: We understand that you're about to have a science fair with some very interesting experiments.
PC Principal: That's right, the science fair is this Saturday from 10 am to 2 pm.
Jerry Jones: We're here to help however we can. Your special ed department has all our resources and all our support. This science fair... just might be what saves us all.
Scene Description: The school playground, day. As the other kids play, an upset Heidi walks around Cartman.
Heidi: What the hell is going on?! Everywhere I turn, people are being given handouts while I'm forced to work my ass off! It's total bullshit!
Cartman: Yeah... uh... Babe, uh I understand that you're pissed off, but, um, you know, it is recess. Maybe we should relax and have some fun?
Heidi: [stops pacing] Relax?! How can I relax?! I get straight A's! I ace every test! And who gets all the support?! The Special Ed Department!
Scene Description: The Special Ed bungalow, day. It's been considerably beefed up, with two tents, one on either side, connected to it, and an even bigger tent behind it. A tower with two satellite dishes and two poles with lights on them standing behind the smaller tents. Two workers haul some equipment up the ramp and into the classroom.
Jerry Jones: Good. Bring it on in. These kids need to have access to everything they need.
Jimmy: Wow, look at this, Tim-Tim. They've all been researching water bears too.
Jerry Jones: That's correct. [two workers roll up a whiteboard with a diagram of a tardigrade on it, with parts of the body clearly labeled] Like you, we've come to realize that water bears are the key to our future. [walks up to the project right after Jimmy and Timmy do] Are these the special water bears that we read about on your school message board?
Jimmy: That's right. The water bears we've been working with appear to be evolving somehow.
Jerry Jones: Then they are the key to our survival, boys.
Nathan: Gentlemen, perhaps I can interest you in a lava volcano. You won't believe your eyes when I add some simple baking soda.
Jerry Jones: [turns to face him] There's no time for that! We need everyone working on Jimmy and Timmy's project. I'm gonna let you kids all in on a little secret. We don't wanna create a panic, but... the End is very near. And we have very little time.
Scene Description: The school gym, day. An assembly has been called and all the classes are there. Heid is at the podium while Cartman stands next to her.
Heidi: Fellow students, I have asked to speak today because of the hypocrisy and bullying that is coming from the administration at this so called... skewl. It is an outrage that our principal and counselor denand our participation in privileged programs that are outrageously overfunded. Why is it that the school allows funding that only goes to special needs students? Are the rest of us not special? If we are continually asked to work for no money and ask our parents to pay for our programs, then soon we will all be poor, and forced to live in a trailer park like Theresa.
Theresa: It's not a trailer!
Heidi: Theresa, [that lock of hair comes down again] get over it, you live in a trailer park, it's not a big deal. [she puts the lock back in place]
Cartman: Uh, o-okay honey, you're kind of getting off-topic, sweetie.
Heidi: What did you say?!
Cartman: Uh just, uh-uhm, I just want you to stay on point so we can get this over with.
Heidi: GET THIS OVER WITH?! You're supposed to be supporting me!
Cartman: I am supporting you, sweetheart!
Heidi: Being supportive doesn't mean you criticize me, asshole! Just forget it! My point is, if the school administration doesn't cancel the science fair, I will see to it that they are all fired for discrimination!
Mackey: [standing by the gym doors, to PC Principal] She's... kind of like Cartman, but with the ability to follow through.
PC Principal: Oh, dude. Bro.
Scene Description: The Special Ed Bungalow, later. Jerry Jones and a few other owners stand behind Jimmy and some other students as Jimmy looks into the microscope.
Jimmy: Francis, can you hand me the sound wave generator? [Francis hands it to him]
Nathan: This is bullshit! The Special Ed Science Fair is turning into a lovefest for Jimmy and Timmy's project! They're gonna get all the fame and glory!
Mimsy: D'aw, I guess we kind of shot ourselves in the foot, huh boss? If it weren't for us, those water bears wouldn't have even gotten smarter in the first place.
Nathan: [stops and thinks] Hey, Mimsy, that's right. They don't deserve the credit, we do. [speaks up] Uh, excuse me. If you're all trying to figure out why these water bears are different, you're talking to the wrong guys. [Everyone turns to face him]
Jimmy: Wha-what do you mean, Nathan?
Nathan: Mimsy and I did some experimenting with the water bears on our own.
Mimsy: We was tryin' to kill 'em. [smack]
Nathan: It was us who made them evolve, so we should be the ones working for the government.
Jerry Jones: The government? Wuh we aren't the government.
Jimmy: Yuh you're not the government? But you said you were here to help stop us from becoming extinct.
Jerry Jones: Not you, us. We're with... the NFL. Our fans are leaving at an exponential rate. We've been hit with anthem protests, protests of those protests, and worst of all, concussions. The more reports that come out, the more people are getting turned off by football. We've been experimenting with water bears because... we believe they are our last hope.
Jimmy: Oh, I get it. You've been experimenting with water bears to see how to make humans more impervious to concussions.
Jerry Jones: No. We've been experimenting with water bears to try and make them... FANS.
Scene Description: NFL Sunday Night Football on NBC.
Sportscaster 1: A beautiful night for football here in Los Angeles as the Chargers take on the Buffalo Bills.
Sportscaster 2: And a record sellout crowd here at the stadium. Football clearly more popular than over with a whopping 17 million in attendance. [shown are a smattering of fans, with the rest of the seats being occupied by small tanks of tardigrades]
Sportscaster 1: The NFL, of course, working really hard to reach new viewers, and it looks like they found their answer in tardigrades.
Sportscaster 2: [a camera crew focuses on one tank] The water bears are thrilled to be here and of course, love seeing themselves on the Jumbotron. [which shows that tank's sea bears onscreen] They're all ready for some football and enjoying the fan favorite Kiss Cam. [two tardigrades are shown kissing]
Sportscaster 1: And we're ready for kickoff as the cheers of 17 million fans rock the stadium! [the Chargers kick off and the Bills catch the football and begin their charge. Nothing but crickets are heard as a Bills player is taken down]
Scene Description: The Special Ed Bungalow, later. The NFL owners now look over Nathan's shoulders as he looks into the microscope. The other students are at their own tables.
Jerry Jones: We're running out of time. We have to see if these water bears truly are different. Insert the box. [a fellow owner grabs a microscopic box with tweezers and carries it over to the table. He puts it into the specimen slide] Gently. What do you see now? [the tweezers are removed]
Nathan: Ahhh, Iii see the box. [a microscopic FedEx box] What, what's in the box?
Jerry Jones: What are the water bears doing?
Nathan: Uhhh, they're just walkin' around and ubb, oh wait! They appear to be interested in the box.
Jerry Jones: These water bears are different. [the classroom door opens and in walk Heidi, Cartman, Mr. Mackey and PC Principal]
PC Principal: All right, everyone, listen up. Give me your attention please. Due to circumstances beyond our control, we are cancelling the Special Ed Science Fair. [the students begin to talk amongst themselves]
Owners: What? Cancelling?
Jerry Jones: You can't cancel the science fair. We're on the verge of a breakthrough here.
Heidi: It's cancelled. You guys can get all this shit out of here and leave. Thank you!
Jerry Jones: You don't understand! The Special Ed Science Fair is our only hope!
Mr. Mackey: Oh I'm sorry, but um, our hands are tied... by Heidi. [Jones and the other owners whip out their guns]
Jerry Jones: I think you all fail to see the seriousness of our situation! Football is dying!
Mr. Mackey: [he and PC Principal put their hands up] Whoa, whoa whoa, okay.
Jerry Jones: [to another owner] Close the door! [the owner closes the door] Everyone back to work! Nobody... [two special ed kids and Cartman slip out of view] will stop this Special Ed Science Fair!
Another owner: [with his gun aimed at Nathan] Do what he says!
Nathan: Oh! Uh okay, Jesus Christ!
Heidi: [finds Cartman] Are you just gonna stand there?! Do something!
Cartman: What the hell do you want me to do?!
Heidi: I want you to have some BALLS and act like you care about me!
Cartman: Heidi, you need to stop being such a bitch!
Heidi: [gets closer to him] Call me a bitch again! Do it! [gets in his face] Call me a bitch again!
Cartman: You are... acting... like a... bad girlfriend.
Heidi: That's what I thought!
Nathan: Hey, uh wait a minute! The water bears have changed again. I think it's working.
Jerry Jones: Let me see that! [looks through the microscope] Yes. Yes, they're starting to adapt. [the water bears now sport jerseys from various teams. He increases the magnification] Sonofabitch, we just might have ourselves some fans! [stands up] Now quickly, children! We must replicate these water bears to create more! [Nathan gets back on the microscope]
Heidi: If nobody else is going to do anything, I will! [runs up to the microscope, yanks the fish bowl from it, and runs to the door]
Nathan: Wha-ah?
An owner: The water bears!
Scene Description: The playground, moments later. Heidi runs across it, followed by the NFL owners, followed by the special ed kids, followed by Mr. Mackey and PC Principal, ...followed by Cartman.
Cartman: Heidi! Heidi, will you please listen to me?!
Scene Description: The school hallway, moments later. Heidi runs down it, pushing other kids out of the way.
Heidi: Move it! Get the fuck out of the way! I said get out of the way, you assholes! [followiong are the NFL owners, the special ed kids, Mr. Mackey and PC Principal, ...and Cartman]
Scene Description: The school entrance, moments later. Heidi goes out the front doors, but sees more NFL owners in front of her and she panics.
Another owner: We got the fat girl, front of the school.
Heidi: Shit! [turns around and goes back inside, only to see all the people chasing her down]
Jerry Jones: Little girl, stop! [Heidi begins to pant] It doesn't have to end this way.
Cartman: [makes his way to the front of the group] Move aside! Move aside! [finally sees Heidi] Heidi, seriously, you need to listen to me!
Heidi: I don't... have to listen... to anybody!
Cartman: Yes, yes you do! You need to listen!
Heidi: Fuck you!
Cartman: No, fuck you!
Jerry Jones: Little girl, please! What you have in your hand is very special.
Heidi: Well I'm sick of everyone treating me like shit!
Jerry Jones: Think about the NFL. How much joy it brings to everyone!
Nathan: Don't listen to them. Give the water bears to me. I deserve all the fame and bitches.
Cartman: Heidi, you've gotta stop being so angry.
Jerry Jones: Look, if you- if you don't do it for the NFL, what about humanity? Those creatures are showing the first signs of sentience. Think about what they could mean for science. For medicine. Making people better.
Cartman: Come on, babe. We all want the old Heidi back. [Heidi looks up at the balcony and notices Wendy, Theresa, and Isla looking down upon her]
Heidi: [looks down at the water bears, then looks up again] Screw all you guys!
NFL Owners, Special Ed kids: NOOOO! [Heidi chugs the fish bowl down like a college student, wipes her lips, then burps]
Cartman: Dude, wwow.
Scene Description: Cartman's house, later. He and Heidi sit on the sofa, with Heidi doing all the eating and channel-switching while covered by a purple blanket.
Heidi: [angrily] Is there something you wanna talk about?
Cartman: No. I was just... trying to... figure out why you decided to drink 20,000 microanimals that were showing signs of intelligence.
Heidi: Whatever. It's Saturday, and I'm not in skewl.
Cartman: Yeah, you're, you're not in skewl.
Heidi: [goes back to eating chips] How come we never snuggle anymore?!
Cartman: [alarmed] Wha, what?
Heidi: We used to snuggle all the time and it's totally gone away! What happened?!
Cartman: Well, but honey, we still-
Heidi: SNUGGLE!
Cartman: [gets closer to her] Yes yes, let's, let's snuggle, yes. [she shares her blanket and snuggles]
Heidi: Goddammit, how come there's nothin' to watch on Saturday but kids cartoons?!
Blue Horse on TV: Hohall right, kids. Now let's do the hokey pokey. [begins to sing the song]
Heidi: Oooo. [her belly begins to move to the music] What's goin' on in here?
Cartman: Oh, what is goin' on in here?
Heidi: I feel somethin' moving around. I-it- [farts]
Cartman: Yeesh. [backs away]
Heidi: [farts again] SNUGGLE!
Cartman: Okay, okay, honey. [gets close to her again, but she farts again] Eughah, ah.
Scene Description: NFL Headquarters, New York City, day. Roger Goodell sits in his office flanked by two other officials.
Roger Goodell: Well, did you have any luck, Mr. Jones?
Jerry Jones: I'm afraid, Commissioner, that the Special Ed Science Fair failed to produce more viable water bears.
Officlal 1: Then the NFL truly has no hope.
Officlal 2: We're done for.
Jerry Jones: Not quite. [a lab worker wheels something in and leaves] We were able to obtain somethin' else [picks up a beaker] that just might be our future. [pours the beaker into the volcano Nathan offered to him earlier]
Goodell and the officials: Ooohhhh!