Scene Description: Principal Victoria's office, day. Her door opens.
Mr. Garrison: [enters with Mr. Hat on his hand] You wanted to see me, Principal Victoria?
Principal Victoria: Yes, Mr. Garrison. Have a seat. [Mr. Garrison takes a seat] Mr. Garrison, sometime ago you asked to be promoted from teaching kindergarten back to the third grade.
Mr. Garrison: [flatly] I'm aware of that.
Principal Victoria: I wanna come clean with you and tell you that back then some of us were uncomfortable with your sexual preferences. It was wrong of us, and I want to make it up to you.
Mr. Garrison: Wow, that's... really great to hear.
Principal Victoria: As you know, the position of Fourth Grade teacher has become available, and we'd like to offer YOU the job.
Mr. Garrison: [brightens] Oh, for real? You're not kidding?
Principal Victoria: We in administration see now that you are an individual with your own preferences, and we respect that.
Mr. Garrison: [rises from the chair with excitement] Oh, this is all just... this is a dream come true! [shakes her hand] Thank you, Principal Victoria! I'll do a great job!
Principal Victoria: I know you will. [Garrison turns around and walks away smiling]
Mr. Garrison: [turns around] You're sure this is for real? I mean, I'm not gonna just get fired again for being gay tomorrow.
Principal Victoria: [slight chuckle] It's for real, Mr. Garrison.
Mr. Garrison: [slight chuckle, turns around and walks out the door] Oh-ho, great!
Principal Victoria: With all the new laws we could never fire you for being gay now. You'd be able to sue us for millions of dollars.
Mr. Garrison: Right uh- [stops in his tracks at the door's entrance, his smile turns to wonder. He turns around] Wha- ...what was that?
Principal Victoria: Well, I was just saying that the policies have really changed. You know, we fire you for acting gay next time, you'd be able to sue the school district for ...lots of money.
Mr. Garrison: ...Oh right, right, right, I... Huh-... how much money, exactly?
Principal Victoria: [busy doing paperwork] Oh. Well, there was the case out in Minnesota where the guy was awarded... 25 million, I think.
Mr. Garrison: Yeh-you don't say. [strokes his chin] Well thanks, uh, Principal Victoria. [walks out and closes the door] Holy Moly! I've gotta find a way to get fired for being gay!
Scene Description: South Park Elementary.
Mr. Mackey: M'kay kids, I know the past few weeks have been really hard with the death of your teacher, Ms. Choksondik. [the kids erupt in laughter]
Kyle: Funny.
Mr. Mackey: BUT... the principal has finally hired a teacher to take her place. So I want you all to give your best behavior to your new Fourth Grade teacher, Mr. Garrison. [the door opens and Garrison enters]
Kids: AWWWW!!!
Kyle: Not him!
Mr. Garrison: Thank you, Mr. Mackey.
Mr. Mackey: [walks toward the door] Good luck, m'kay.
Mr. Garrison: Okay, children, now for those of you who are new, my name is [writes on the board] Mr. Garrison.
Butters: Where is Mr. Hat, sir?
Mr. Garrison: Well, I was informed that fourth graders are a little too old for Mr. Hat.
Kyle: [rolls his eyes] Two-year-olds are too old for Mr. Hat.
Mr. Garrison: But it's okay because I found a new teacher's assistant. Say hello to... [the door opens again] Mr. Slave. [a strapping man enters. He wears a pink shirt, pale blue jeans; black leather vest, chaps and boots; police hat, strong jaw and mustache, and pouty lips]
Mr. Slave: [preens] Hi kids. Hm.
Mr. Garrison: So that's [writes on the board] Mr. Slave. [Mr. Slave poses] The teacher's assistant. [Mr Slave smooths his mustache, then his hat] Or, as I like to write for short, the Teacher's Ass.
Mr. Slave: [throws his arms forward] Oh Jesus Christ.
Mr. Garrison: Okay, Mr. Slave. Go sit until I need you. [Mr. Slave goes to sit down. Garrison spanks him as he passes by]
Mr. Slave: Ugh.
Cartman: [leans towards Craig, who pays attention] Dude, I think that Mr. Slave guy might by a... [glances back] Pakistani.
Mr. Garrison: I'm not saying the rest of the school year is going to be easy. In fact, it's going to be long and hard. [does motions for both words - the palms facing each other and pulling apart, then two fists] Really long and really hard. [emphasizes the motions]
Mr. Slave: [at a small teacher's desk reading a magazine] Oh Jesus Christ.
Mr. Garrison: [gleefully] Eheh, the first thing we're gonna be learning about is communist Russia. [erases the name on the board and begins writing the topic, starting with an S]
Cartman: [begins making a paper plane involuntarily] No, Kenny. What are you doing, Kenny?
Mr. Garrison: [finishes writing "STALIN"] Now, Stalin was a big silly when it came to...
Cartman: [finishes the plane and aims it at Mr. Garrison] Kenny, no! Don't do it, Kenny! [fires the plane off. It hits the board and falls away]
Mr. Garrison: [turns around and points] Eric, did you just throw a paper airplane?!
Cartman: No, it was Kenny!
Mr. Garrison: [arms akimbo] Very funny, Eric! Kenny's dead!
Stan: [coming to Cartman's defense] Yeah, but Cartman drank Kenny's remains, and now Kenny's soul is trapped in Cartman's body.
The Other Kids: Yeah.
Mr. Garrison: That does it! I will not put up with foolishness in my class! It's time for punishment! [reaches into his desk and pulls out a paddle, then strikes it against his left palm twice. He walks over to Mr. Slave and has him bend over] Take it Mr. Slave! [swats him three times on the ass]
Mr. Slave: [moves his head around] Oh-oh. Oh it hurts.
Mr. Garrison: I will [swat] NOT put up with [swat] TOM foolery in my [swat] CLASS room, children. [stands him up and straps a gag ball around Mr. Slave's face] Mr. Slave, put this rubber ball in your mouth. [bends Mr. Slave over his lap and swats him some more] Take that, Slavey! take it! [the kids look on, stunned. Mr. Garrison continues the swats] This'll get me fired for sure. [smiles]
Scene Description: The Marsh house, afternoon. The Tweaks, the Stotches, the Marshes, the Broflovskis, and Liane are present in the living room, seated around the coffee table.
Gerald: I really enjoyed the imagery in the last chapter of this month's book.
Linda: Yes, and I really saw the entire book thematically as a take on corporate America.
Randy: Well I think in the fourth chapter, when uh Nancy Drew discovers the bloody glove in the cheerleader's locker, well that uh that was just a brilliantly written passage. [Sharon sips some coffee, a door opens]
Gerald: So full of metaphor.
Kyle: Hey guys, can we talk to you? [with him are Stan, Cartman, Butters, and Tweek]
Sheila: Oh, hi boys.
Sharon: How was school?
Kyle: Uhh, not cool.
Sheila: That's great. We're having our book of the month club meeting, so why don't you boys go outside and play?
Linda: Was it me, or did you all think that Nancy Drew solved the riddle of Elephant Mountain a little too easily? [a burst of chatter follows]
Stan: No, no, he said not cool. We got our new teacher today; it's, it's Mr. Garrison, our old third grade teacher.
Stephen: Uh huh.
Kyle: Well, he has this new teacher's assistant, and uh and they're both... totally gay.
Sheila: Kyle! You know better than to discriminate against homosexuals!
Stan: Yeah but, these guys are really super-gay.
Randy: [displeased] Aw I'm surprised at you, Stanley. I really thought you knew how to accept people for who they were.
Stan: Yeah, but Dad-
Randy: No buts, Stanley! We're not raising our kids to be discriminators!
Sheila: That's right! I think it's time you kids took a little trip to the Museum of Tolerance! [Gerald crosses his arms. The kids look at each other]
Scene Description: Museum of Tolerance, next day. A really modern building with a fountain by the entrance. The five boys and their parents arrive at the museum.
Tour guide: [a woman greeting the families inside the museum] Welcome to the Museum of Tolerance. Here we try to educate you on the dynamics of racism and prejudice in America. [Cartman yawns loudly. Liane smacks him across the back of his head]
Cartman: Ey!
Tour guide: [leads them through the museum] Now, did you know that words we use can show intolerance? [leads the group to a tunnel entrance] Let's begin our tour with a walk through our Tunnel of Prejudice, to show you what it can feel like to be discriminated against. [motions for the boys to enter, and the boys enter]
Voice: [the words it says appear on the walls of the tunnel as it says them, then disappear] QUEER. BEANER. CHINK. N*GGER. HEEB. FAGGOT. CRACKER. SLOPE. [the boys are suitably shocked as they move along the tunnel's people mover, but Cartman is grinning from ear to ear]
Cartman: Aw man, this is awesome! ["JAP"]
Tour guide: [at the other end of the tunnel with the parents] Now you know how it feels.
Cartman: [excited, runs up to the guide] I wanna ride again! I wanna ride again!
Tour guide: [leads them into the Hall of Stereotypes] We are now entering the Hall of Stereotypes. These wax figures represent how some intolerant people have labeled minorities. [leads them to the first exhibit] Here we see a black person eating chicken and watermelon, a stereotype that hurts the African-American community. What other stereotypes do you see here? [the stereotypes are exhibits, each one with its own spotlight]
Randy: [walks up to another exhibit with Stan and Kyle] Ah, here's the Arab as a terrorist. [the Arab is holding a Kalashnikov rifle]
Tour guide: That's right. But of course, we know that not all Arabs are terrorists, don't we, kids?
Butters: [sees a third exhibit] W-w-well there's an Asian over there with a calculator. [walks over to it. The others follow]
Tour guide: That's right. Not all stereotypes are negative. But even a positive one like "All Asians are good at math" is harmful to society.
Cartman: [over at a fourth exhibit, a man cowering over a bag of money] Look, a covetous Jew!
Tour guide: [arrives with the others] Very good, young man. The idea that Jews are only interested in money is very old indeed.
Randy: [notices a fifth spotlight and walks to it] Ah, here's a good one. [Stan walks up next to him] It's the stereotypical "sleepy Mexican." [a man sleeps under the spotlight sitting up next to a mop and bucket]
Janitor: [wakes up] Wai-what? Oh man, what time is it? [stands up and rubs the back of his neck]
Randy: [in a low voice] Oh I'm sorry. I thought you were a wax sculpture.
Janitor: Naw, man. I'm the janitor. I'm s'pose to be cleaning but I'm so tired. Ongh, so sleepy. [walks off with the mop and bucket]
Tour guide: [leads them into the Tolerance Discovery Lab] This is our discovery wing. Take your time at the computer displays [they measure tolerance I.Q.], because you see, being tolerant you must also learn to respect people who are small, people who are disabled, even people who are overweight, [moves her arms towards Cartman] like this young man here.
Cartman: Ey!
Tour guide: You other boys have probably called this young man names like "tubby," or "lardbutt," or "fat tits,"...
Kyle: "Fat tits." That's a good one.
Stan: Yeah, I have to remember that.
Tour guide: But you must learn to be tolerant of his differences as well. If he chooses to eat fatty foods, that's his life choice.
Cartman: [strokes his chin and tries something out] I'm not fat, I have a different life choice.
Tour guide: And we won't belittle you for eating lots of cookies and cakes and pies.
Cartman: Duhuhude, tolerance kicks ass! [the adults chuckle]
Randy: That's our Cartman. [Cartman grins]
Scene Description: Museum of Tolerance, outside.
Tour guide: Well, that's the end of our tour.
Randy: Now do you see why tolerance is so important, boys?
Stan: I guess.
Tour guide: We have to accept people for who they are and what they like to do. [notices someone nearby] Hey! What the hell are you doing? [it's a man smoking on the edge of the fountain]
Smoker: Oh I was just uh-
Tour guide: There's no smoking in the museum!
Smoker: But I'm not in the museum.
Tour guide: Get out of here, you filthy smoker! [the smoker rises and walks off]
Gerald: Yeah, dirty lungs!
Sharon: Go ahead and kill yourself, stupid tar-breath!
Stephen: Dumbass!
Richard: Get out of here! [the smoker walks out of view]
Tour guide: Well, have a great day, everybody.
Stephen: Now you boys can go and give your teacher and assistant the respect they deserve. Right?
The boys: Yeah.
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day, Garrison's class. Mr. Garrison enters, having previously set up a chemistry experiment on the teacher's desk.
Mr. Garrison: Okay, children, let's take our seats. Uh, apparently, none of you tried to get me fired yesterday, so I guess we're just gonna have to go on and learn more today. [sits on a corner of the desk] Now who can tells me what happens to water when we heat it up in the Bunsen burner?
Butters: It evaporates.
Mr. Garrison: Good, Butters. Now if we take the glass tube of the Bunsen burner, we can also see how other things react. [takes the tube in hand and walks over to Mr. Slave] Evaporation is an exothermic reaction, so let's look at an endothermic one. Mr. Slave, position 7 please. [Mr. Slave looks up from his magazine, then assumes the position over his little desk and lowers his pants enough to show his ass] Now I'm gonna put the glass tube under Mr. Slave's tight ass. [steps backwards and inserts the tube. Mr. Slave starts to moan] The heat from Mr. Slave's ass will act as our new conductor of energy.
Mr. Slave: AAH.
Mr. Garrison: Okay, now Butters, could you bring over Lemmiwinks for me please?
Butters: Sure. [smiles and goes to get Lemmiwinks]
Stan: [sensing what's about to happen] Oh, no, no, no no no no.
Mr. Garrison: [gets Lemmiwinks from Butters] Newton was the first to discover that for every action there's a reaction - thank you Butters. Now what do you think is gonna happen when I introduce the element of the gerbil to the endothermic heat of Mr. Slave's ass? [the kids are all aghast] Well let's see. [lifts up the Bunsen tube and sends the gerbil on its way down]
Mr. Slave: AAH. [the gerbil enters Mr. Slave's lower intestine and comes across the skeleton of another gerbil. It turns back immediately and runs for the anal opening. Mr. Garrison pulls the tube out and the sphincter snaps shut, trapping the gerbil inside. It tries to claw its way out] AAH. [moves his head around] Dude! Jesus Christ! AAH!
Butters: [realizing what just happened] Lemmiwinks? NO!
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, lunch time. The kids go for their lunches.
Chef: Hello there, children!
The boys: Hey Chef.
Chef: How's it goin'?
Kyle: Bad.
Chef: Why bad?
Stan: Chef, we're intolerant. [beat]
Chef: ...Intolerant of who?
Kyle: Gays, I guess.
Chef: Now why do you wanna go be intolerant of gay people, children? [arms akimbo] I thought you knew better.
Stan: Well we didn't think we were, but Mr. Garrison has this new assistant, and we're really uncomfortable around them.
Chef: Children, a lot of times the reason people get uncomfortable around gay people is that they have some issues themselves. You have to ask yourself, "What is it about their behavior that, for some reason, makes me uncomfortable?"
Kyle: Well, I guess it's mostly the way Mr. Garrison stuck a gerbil up Mr. Slave's ass.
Chef: Right. And you see, children, that's why you need to- Whoa! What?!
Stan: Are we homophobes now?
Kyle: We don't wanna be gay bashers, Chef.
Chef: Children, there's a BIG difference between gay people and Mr. Garrison! Do you understand that??
Stan: N-no?
Chef: You children just take your lunches. I'm gonna have a talk with the principal.
Cartman: I'll take three lunches today, please.
Chef: You don't need three lunches, Eric! You're fat enough as it is!
Cartman: It is my life choice, Chef, and if you don't tolerate it I'll report you to the SEC. [Chef is puzzled]
Scene Description: Fourth Grade classroom. The chemistry equipment has been cleared away from the teacher's desk. Mr. Garrison and Mr. Slave are in the classroom.
Mr. Garrison: That was a brilliant idea, having me put a gerbil up your ass, Mr. Slave. [laughs] Now we'll get fired for sure!
Mr. Slave: [nonchalantly] Well it wasn't the first small animal I put up my ass.
Principal Victoria: [over the P.A. system] Mr. Garrison to the principal's office, please?
Mr. Garrison: That's it! They're gonna fire me for being gay! Twenty-five million here we cooome. [shimmies out the door]
Mr. Slave: Don't forget, I get half. Oooooh! [feels the gerbil try again to claw its way out of his ass] Oooooh, Jesus Christ. [scratches his ass. The gerbil runs one way, then back to the sphincter. A specter appears and stops the gerbil in its tracks. It's a Frog King. The two stand motionless for a few seconds]
Frog King: Lemmiwinks, you must find a way out of this place, or you will surely die. [the gerbil just stands there] This way has been closed off by the Great Sphincter. To escape you must journey upward to the dark reaches of the intestine and past the stomach. [the gerbil says nothing] Who am I? Just a friend. Heed my words, Lemmiwinks. Your time is running out. Make for the large intestine. All will be made clear then. [disappears. The gerbil turns around, scratches its chin, and begins its journey]
Singer: A great adventure is waiting for you ahead. Hurry onward, Lemmiwinks, or you will soon be dead. The journey before you may be long and filled with woe But you must escape the gay man's ass so your tale can be told. Lemmiwinks. Lehehemiwinks Lemmiwinks Lemmiwinks-
Scene Description: The principal's office, a few moments later. Mr. Garrison hums as he nears the office door. He enters and stands beside an angry Chef, who has crossed his arms.
Mr. Garrison: You wanted to see me, Principal Victoria?
Principal Victoria: Oh yes, uh, Mr. Garrison, have a seat.
Mr. Garrison: [nudges Chef] Oh dear, sounds like I'm gettin' fired. [hums some more and takes a seat]
Principal Victoria: Mr. Garrison, Chef has brought it to my attention that some uh students are a bit... uuuncomfortable about certain aspects of your teaching methods.
Mr. Garrison: [in anticipation, gets melodramatic] Oh no, you're firing me? Oh well, I can't stop being who I am. I can't help the way God made me. Guess I just have to go.
Principal Victoria: No no no we're not firing you.
Mr. Garrison: ...You're not?
Principal Victoria: No, we're sending Chef to a tolerance seminar.
Chef: [steps forward] Sending Chef to a tolerance seminar?! You've got to be fuckin' crazy!!
Principal Victoria: You demonstrate a lack of tolerance for Mr. Garrison's behavior. In fact, I believe you used the words "sick queer" to describe his conduct in class?
Chef: He IS a sick queer!!
Mr. Garrison: Yeah!
Principal Victoria: I just wanted to give you an opportunity to apologize to Mr. Garrison before I send you away, Chef.
Chef: Kiss my black ass!! [Mr. Garrison is surprised]
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, Counselor Mackey's office.
Mr. Mackey: Parents, I had to call you in here because your boys have refused to attend class with their homosexual teachers, m'kay?
Stan: We're not staying in class another minute with those queermos!
Randy: Well I really thought you boys learned something in the Museum of Tolerance, but apparently all you learned was new words to call your poor teachers!
Butters: [still distraught] But they killed Lemmiwinks!
Stephen: Shut your mouth, Butters! You'll speak when spoken to!
Butters: Yes sir.
Stephen: Mr. Mackey, we've done everything we can to raise compassionate children. We don't know where else to turn.
Mr. Mackey: Well there is an intensive seminar camp. It's a bit severe, but it might be the only way. M'kay?
Sharon: That sounds good to me.
Liane: Me too.
Sheila: Then it's settled. Boys, you're going to tolerance camp.
Stan: Tolerance camp?
Scene Description: Devitzen's Tolerance Camp, black-and-white footage, day. A truck pulls up to the entrance and two guards open the gates. Beyond, kids mill around under the watchful eyes of other guards. A few moments later a guard paces in front of a crowd of kids.
Camp warden: [sternly] Welcome to tolerance camp. You are here because you would not accept people's differences. [a shot of the kids shows that Stan, Kyle, Cartman and Butters were not the only kids to refuse attending Garrison's class] Because you refuse to accept the life choices of your fellow man. Well those days are now over. Here you vill verk, every hour of every day until you submit to being tolerant of everybody. Here, intolerance... will not be tolerated.
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, Garrison's classroom. Mr. Slave is reading his magazine. A few moments later Mr. Garrison storms into the room and slams the door shut.
Mr. Garrison: God-damnit!
Mr. Slave: How'd it go?
Mr. Garrison: This is unbelievable, Mr. Slave! It seems no matter what I do I can't get fired!
Mr. Slave: The principal didn't fire you?
Mr. Garrison: No! The parents felt so bad that their kids didn't want to attend my class anymore that they wanna give me the Courageous Teacher award this Friday at the Museum of Tolerance!
Mr. Slave: Oh, Jesus Christ.
Mr. Garrison: I mean, I stuck a gerbil up your ass and they wanna give me a Goddamn medal!
Mr. Slave: Well it sounds to me like the principal's just hiding things from everybody. What you need to do is let the parents see what kind of demented faggot you are.
Mr. Garrison: Oh well- [stops and thinks] Hey, that's right, Mr. Slave. [paces a bit] The parents have to see for themselves. [snaps his fingers] The awards ceremony! Well we'll put on a show they'll never forget!
Mr. Slave: Oohoohoohoo, Jesus Christ. [rubs his belly, and the camera zooms in, cutting to the intestine. Lemmiwinks walks along, and a guitar is heard]
Singers: Lemmiwinks journeyed a distance far and fast. To find his way out of a gay man's ass. The road ahead is filled with danger and fright But push onward, Lemmiwinks, with all of your might.
Frog King: [appears again before Lemmiwinks] Lemmiwinks, you are coming to the entrance of the small intestine. There you must seek out the Sparrow Prince. [disappears. Lemmiwinks walks up the large intestine, going back and forth. Eventually it sees the Sparrow Prince and stops]
Singers: The Sparrow Prince lies somewhere way up ahead. Don't look back, Lemmiwinks, or you'll soon be dead. Lemmiwinks, Lemmiwinks, the time is growing late. Slow down now and seal your fate.
Sparrow Prince: I am the Sparrow Prince. Long has my spirit been trapped within this place. Before you lies the maze of the small intestine. One path leads to the stomach, the other to certain doom. Take with you this helmet and torch. [they appear and float toward Lemmiwinks] Let them be your guide. [Lemmiwinks puts it on and continues its journey]
Singers: Take the magic helmet torch to help you light the way. There's still a lot of ground to cross inside the man so gay. Ahead of you lies adventure, and your strength still lies within. Freedom from the Ass of Doom is the treasure you will win.
Scene Description: Devitzen's Tolerance Camp, black-and-white footage, day. The kids are in a large room the size of an airport hangar. All of them have been doing arts and crafts, as they are dirty with crayons and paint. Each column of tables is being patrolled by a guard.
Camp warden: Today we will be using the fingerpaint! You vill make a painting that shows people of different races and sexual orientations getting along. Fingerpaint. Fingerpaint! [the kids get busy fingerpainting] You vill not make any distinction between people of different colors! People with different sexual preferences! You vill accept everyone! [stops behind Kyle's right shoulder and swoops down to look at his paper] What are you fingerpainting?!
Kyle: Uh, a bear?
Camp warden: Ein bear?! Und bear has nothing to do with accepting people of different races!
Kyle: [trembling in fear] Eh I, I don't know what else to paint.
Camp warden: [takes Kyle's paper and rips it up] Start over! [puts his hand on the stack of papers next to Kyle] You will fingerpaint what we tell you! [takes a sheet from the stack and slams it down in front of Kyle] GO! [Kyle starts on a new picture] Faster. [the guard switches to the left shoulder without breaking his stare] Faster! [switches back to the right shoulder and cocks a pistol against Kyle's head] Faasterr.
Kyle: Aaaa! [hurries to finish the painting]
Camp warden: Faster! Are you done?! What is it?! What have you done?! [Kyle adds some broad strokes and lifts up the finished work]
Kyle: [trembling] People of all colors and creeds holding hands beneath a rainbow!
Camp warden: GOOD! [snatches the paper from Kyle's hand] That wasn't so hard, was it? [rips it up and tosses it away] NOW DO IT AGAIN! [walks off slowly] Faster! [the kids work faster] Faasterr!
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, Garrison's classroom. Mr. Garrison talks to Mr. Slave. There are no kids in class, as they've all gone to tolerance camp, apparently.
Mr. Garrison: There! I've done it, Mr. Slave. The perfect plan to get us fired. You finished your costume design yet?
Mr. Slave: [scribbling on a notepad] Almost. I just have to get through a su- [grabs his stomach] Uh-huc, Jesus Christ.
Mr. Garrison: What's the matter?
Mr. Slave: Mm, Just a bit of an upset stomach, I guess.
Mr. Garrison: Well here, take a Pepto pill. I can't have my teacher's ass under the weather. [hands Mr. Slave a glass of water and a pill]
Mr. Slave: Eugh, Jesus Christ. [takes the pill and swallows it. The camera follows the pill down the esophagus toward the stomach. The pill lands in the pool of acid in the stomach. Lemmiwinks pops up from the pool]
Singers: Lemmiwinks came to the stomach dark. 'Neath the depths of the lungs and heart.
Catatafish: You chose your path wisely, Lemmiwinks. I am the Catatafish.
Singers: Catatafish of the stomach's cove.
Catatafish: If you answer this riddle, the esophagus will let you pass.
Singers: Catatafish's riddle will soon be told.
Scene Description: Devitzen's Tolerance Camp, black-and-white footage, day. The kids are now in a different room quietly making macaroni pictures on the floor, but they are all fatigued. The guard walks up to a soldier on a catwalk and talks with him.
Camp warden: Everything in order?
Camp Soldier: Yes, mein Führer. Ve are making the prisoners make macaroni pictures that illustrate diversity in the verkplace.
Camp warden: [looks at a paper with two people shaking hands and with "DIVERSITY" written above them] Eh-xcellent! [down below the kids continue with their pictures.]
Kyle: [Suddenly falls on his face] Oh.
Stan: Kyle. [helps him up and tries to rouse him] Kyle, you have to keep making your macaroni pictures.
Kyle: [limply] Can't... glue... any... more. [falls on his face again]
Stan: The guards are coming, Kyle. Glue. Glue, damn you!
Camp warden: Take this one away. He is done for. [a soldier drags a boys body along the floor]
Stan: Butters!
Butters: No more... arts and crafts...
Stan: Jesus... we have to get out of here. [other kids are passed out, some on their backs, some on their stomachs]
Scene Description: Devitzen's Tolerance Camp, black-and-white footage, outside. The kids are at play. Cartman walks over to a Porto-Potty and enters, but stops. He looks down into the toilet and finds two girls there in the septic tank.
Girl 1: Please don't tell them that we're hiding here.
Girl 2: We can't work anymore or we'll die.
Camp Soldier: [walking by] Vhat? [closes the door and turns around] Waht?!
Cartman: Oh. Uh, nothing. I was just getting back to work.
Camp Soldier: Vhat is in there?
Cartman: Nothing.
Camp Soldier: Get back to verk.
Cartman: [salutes] Yes sir! [the guard walks away] Phew. [opens the door and steps inside, laughing. A few moments later he craps and starts laughing]
The Girls: Eww! Eww! Eww! [Cartman craps and laughs some more]
Cartman: [exits and alerts any available soldier] Hey, I was just kidding. There's actually two girls hiding down there. Hey! [goes to find a soldier]
Scene Description: Museum of Tolerance, Friday night. The main hall is set up for the awards ceremony and the guests are seated.
Tour guide: Tonight we are here to honor an amazing fourth grade teacher with the Courageous Teacher award. [applause] Herbert Garrison came out about two years ago. Since then he has faced adversity. He has even faced ridicule by some of the students.
Sharon: Oh Randy, I'm so ashamed of our son.
Tour guide: It is my honor to present the Courageous Teacher award to... Herbert Garrison. [applause. She moves off as Garrison enters riding on Mr. Slave, humming a song. Mr. Garrison wears a towering headdress while Mr. Slave is dressed as a horse. Mr. Slave stops]
Mr. Garrison: Get along, little Slave.
Randy: Oh my God.
Gerald: That's what our boys were talking about?
Mr. Garrison: [rings some small bells] Ding-ding, ding-ding.
Man 1: [sitting next to Principal Victoria] He is so courageous.
Mr. Garrison: [now at the podium, with Mr. Slave standing to his right. He's wearing a purple belt with shiny purple dildo hanging from it] Say, Mr. Slave.
Mr. Slave: Yes, Mr. Garrison?
Mr. Garrison: I had a dream last night that you were a real dick.
Mr. Slave: Really? Why would you dream that I was being an asshole?
Mr. Garrison: No no, I was the asshole. [a moment of silence, and more applause]
Man 2: [brown hair and mustache] Ogh, that is so courageous.
Man 3: [gray hair] What an amazing human being! [Randy and Gerald look at each other in shock]
Mr. Garrison: Uh, I uh I'm very happy to get this award. Uh but you know what makes me even happier? Sucking balls.
Audience: Ahh [applause]
Mr. Garrison: [frustrated, to Mr. Slave] It isn't working. Sing your song, Mr. Slave.
Mr. Slave: I've got a little- Oof. [grabs his stomach] Ohoc, Jesus Christ. What's happening in there?
Scene Description: Inside Mr. Slave's stomach at that moment, Lemmiwinks has been put into a gyroscope and is ready to be shot up the esophagus and out the mouth.
Frog King: Hang on, Lemmiwinks! You solved the Catatafish's riddle. Now your trials are nearly through!
Scene Description: Outside Mr. Slave's stomach, onstage.
Mr. Slave: Oh! I should have never shoved all those poor animals up my ass! [a few moments of thought, and then more applause]
Mr. Garrison: Uh...
Man 4: [black hair] Courageous.
Man 5: [behind him, brown hair] So courageous.
Mr. Garrison: [frustrated and finally letting loose] God-damnit, don't you people get it?! I'm trying to get fired here! [the applause dies down]
Man 3: [softly] Oh, that's courageous.
Mr. Garrison: Look, this kind of behavior should not be acceptable from a teacher!
Mr. Slave: Yeah, Jesus Christ.
Man 6: But the mu-se-um tells us to be to-le-rant.
Man 3: [stands up and raises his arms] Yes. The mu-se-um.
Man 7: [stands up and raises his arms] The mu-se-um tells us.
Mr. Garrison: Tolerant, but not stupid! Look, just because you have to tolerate something doesn't mean you have to approve of it! If you had to like it, it'd be called the Museum of Acceptance! [the audience looks on] "Tolerate" means you're just putting up with it! You tolerate a crying child sitting next to you on the airplane or, or you tolerate a bad cold. It can still piss you off! Jesus Tapdancing Christ!
Randy: He's right. Our boys didn't hate homosexuals, they just hated the way this asshole was acting.
Gerald: We've gotta get our boys back! [gets up and rushes out]
Mr. Garrison: [relieved] Ogh! So now can I PLEASE get fired and get my 25 million dollars?!
Principal Victoria: No, no, I think I have a better idea.
Scene Description: Devitzen's Tolerance Camp, Saturday, day. The boys' parents are at the front gate. Black-and-white fades into color, and Stan, Kyle, Cartman and Butters are present. They are quite thin, clearly undernourished, and their clothes fit loose on them.
Randy: We're sorry, boys. Why didn't you tell us your teachers were acting so over-the-top?
Sheila: Yes. You boys don't know how much we suffered. [a close-up of the boys shows that Butters is the thinnest of them]
Stephen: Come on, let's go. [the boys and their parents head away from the gate. As they go, Mr. Garrison and Mr. Slave are brought in by Principal Victoria and Mr. Mackey. Two soldiers have them under gunpoint]
Mr. Garrison: But this is insane!
Principal Victoria: I'm sorry Mr. Garrison, but it's obvious you aren't tolerant of your own behavior.
Camp warden: [arrives] Vhat do we have here? Noo recruits? I assure you, the next veek will be nothing but pain and suffering! [pounds his right fist into his left palm]
Mr. Slave: Oooo, this could be kind of fun. [convulses all of a sudden, goes down on hands and knees, and coughs up the gerbil]
Singers: Lemmiwinks has made it out and his tale is nearly through. [the three spirits he met in Mr. Slave's body now appear before him]
Catatafish: Great job, Lemmiwinks.
Sparrow Prince: Thanks to you we are all free.
Frog King: [draws close to Lemmiwinks] But your adventures are just beginning, for you are no ordinary gerbil, Lemmiwinks. You are the Gerbil King. [places a crown on its head, then backs up to join the other two animal spirits]
The Three Spirits: All hail the Gerbil King. [they disappear]
Singers: Now that you're the Gerbil King there's more ventures to go on Fly away to faraway lands and to the setting sun There's still so many enemies and battles yet to fight For Lemmiwinks the Gerbil King could be told a thousand nights Lemmi- Lemmi- Lemmiwinks. Le- Lemmiwiiinks. Lehhmiwinks, Lem- Lem- Lemmiwinks Lemmiwinks, Lemmiwinks, Leh-miwinks Leh-miwinks, Gerbil King.]


Scene Description: South Park, night. A camera sits atop an ambulance transmitting the action as the ambulance speeds down a street. It ends up at Hell's Pass Hospital. The paramedics rush out and open the cargo doors, quickly take Cartman out and whisk him into Emergency while his mom remains seated anxiously inside the ambulance.
Liane: [steps out of the ambulance] Be careful with my baby.
Scene Description: Hell's Pass Hospital, inside. The paramedics reach the nurses' station and rush by.
Blonde nurse: What have we got?
Paramedic 1: [black hair] Not sure. It looks like a possible code five six!
Cartman: [disoriented] Kenny. Shut up, Kenny.
Liane: [now helping the nurse and paramedics] You're going to be okay, baby.
Scene Description: Hell's Pass Hospital, operating room. Emergency personnel whisk Cartman into the room. Liane enters, but stays near the door.
Dr. Doctor: [enters ready for surgery] Five me 50 cc's of ketamine, STAT. And get something for the kid, too.
Liane: Is he going to be okay?
Brunette nurse: Let the doctor do his work, ma'am. [closes the curtain]
Scene Description: Hell's Pass Hospital, a few hours later. Cartman is now in one of the recovery rooms with Liane at his side stroking him gently. He's on a respirator for the time being. The doctor enters the room slowly, but Liane notices and rises to meet him.
Liane: Doctor! Did you find out what's wrong with him?
Dr. Doctor: I'm afraid he's... running out of time.
Liane: [thinks a moment, then] Why?? What's wrong with him??
Dr. Doctor: It's his time. It's ...running out.
Liane: Well, what does he need?
Dr. Doctor: He needs to have more time.
Liane: What can we do?
Dr. Doctor: Well, I suppose we could try a time transplant. I'll have to call in a specialist. [turns and walks out. Liane returns to Cartman]
Liane: [cradles Cartman somewhat] It's going to be okay, baby. We're going to get you more time.
Cartman: Ey Kenny! God-damn you, Kenny!
Scene Description: Chef's house, day. Stan and Kyle go up to the front door and Kyle knocks. Chef opens up and sees them.
Chef: Hello there, children.
Stan: Chef, Cartman is in the hospital. They think he might die.
Kyle: Yeah, and, we don't know whether or not we should care.
Chef: Well what's wrong with him?
Stan: Well, nobody seems to know, but we think it's because he drank Kenny's soul four weeks ago.
Kyle: Kenny's ashes were in an urn, and Cartman drank it, thinking it was chocolate milk mix.
Chef: Children, why didn't you tell me about this sooner?
Kyle: Well like we said, we didn't know whether or not we should care?
Chef: Well, you should. Cartman is your friend whether you like him or not! Now, come on! We've gotta get to that hospital!
Scene Description: Hell's Pass Hospital, Cartman's recovery room. Dr. Doctor has returned.
Liane: He's looking a little better today.
Dr. Doctor: Yes, but his time is still getting weaker. It will give out soon unless we do something. [the door opens and Chef, Stan and Kyle enter]
Cartman: [cheerfully] Hey you guys! How's it goin'?
Chef: Cartman?
Stan: No, that's Kenny.
Cartman: [surly] What the hell are you assholes doing here?!
Stan: That's Cartman.
Chef: [approaches and has a look] Oh my God! Eric, how long have you been channelin' Kenny?
Cartman: Oh, about a month.
Dr. Doctor: Let's not validate his delusions.
Chef: Kenny? Kenny, do you know what you need to get free?
Cartman: He's gone again.
Chef: Ms. Cartman, we need to get Eric to a medium who can speak with people who have crossed over.
Dr. Doctor: What?? That's preposterous! What this child needs is a time transplant!
Chef: This hospital isn't gonna do any good. We need to take him to see John Edward.
Stan: Hey, I've seen that guy. He has a TV show where he brings people on and talks to their dead relatives.
Chef: That's right. We have to go see him in New York.
Dr. Doctor: I warn you, Ms. Cartman. Your son's time could give out at any minute. He needs to be kept here where his time could be monitored.
Liane: Oooh, what should I do? I'm playing roulette with my child's life! [switches mind gears] Ooo wait, Hairspray is showing in New York, isn't it? Let's go there.
Chef: Good. You children need to come too. Eric needs all the support he can get right now.
Kyle: We're going to New York?
Scene Description: An airplane to New York, dawn. The plane is flying above the clouds.
Flight Attendant: Welcome aboard Flight 673 to New York. We are happy to show you a feature film during the flight. In a moment we'll be showing a preview.
Kyle: [the boys begin to put on headphones] Oh cool. We get to watch a movie?
Stan: Awesome!
Scene Description: The preview.
Announcer: Rob Schneider was an animal. [a shot of him on all fours running through the forest] Then he was a woman. [Rob steps out of a shower and inspects his new breasts. He's shocked] And now Rob Schneider is... [a shot of him sitting on a desk dressed as a stapler, stapling papers together] a stapler. [he's showing being a stapler in front of some cheering frat boys from Gamma Gamma Delta] And he's about to find out... [he's shown trying to catch a bus as a stapler] that being a stapler [he's shown with a woman, still as a stapler. He tries to get close to her, but falls off the sofa] is harder than it looks. Rob Schneider is... The Stapler. [title graphics show up] Rated PG-13.
Stan, Kyle: [remove their headphones] Weak!
Cartman: [giggles] Ha-heheheh. [the boys look at him; he takes his headphones off and looks at them] That was Kenny laughing, not me.
Scene Description: New York, the skyline. Chef, Liane, and the boys arrive at an HBC studio for John Edward.
Chef: This must be the place.
Page: Okay audience members, hi, welcome to the taping of the show. [she collects tickets from members as they enter the studio] It's all general seating in there, and just remember, Mr. Edward might not hear from the particular dead person you wanna talk to, so just... keep an open mind.
Chef: Don't worry, Eric. I'm sure he will be able to help you.
Scene Description: John Edward's studio, show set. The seats are all filled up.
Announcer: Ladies and Gentlemen, John Edward. [applause. John enters the set and steps on stage]
John Edward: Thank you, thank you. Alright let's get started. [meditates a minute, then points to his right] 'S coming from over here. 'S the name Mike mean anything to anybody? [no reaction] I'm getting um, I'm getting M-mike? Definitely an M, d'um, maybe Matt? Mike? Matt? Mi-mmm, Mi-Mike, m-Mary?
Man 1: Mary was my mother!
John Edward: Okay okay, and she-she's she died?
Man 1: [begins to sob. A woman comforts him] Yes. Yeh-yes she did.
John Edward: Okay, and she's telling me there's something about... the money. That the, the money is safe? Is that making sense? [the man and woman look up]
Man 1: M-mm-m. Not really.
John Edward: Must be from somewhere else in the audience, then. Uh, d'uh, money? Is someone el-
Stan: Uh, over here please?
Kyle: We have a dead friend.
John Edward: Uh d'eh'hm quiet, quiet down boys. It doesn't work that way. Uh, okay, I I'm getting ...someone now whose name is g-, a t-. It's an l-, it's a m-, it's k-.
Cartman: Kenny!
John Edward: Kenny says hi.
Audience Members: Wow! [applause] wow...
John Edward: Okay, now I'm getting that Kenny ...died?
Stan: We told you that.
John Edward: And, and this wasn't, this wasn't a good death. It was like a, it was a sad death. It was like a, it was like a death that made people sad. Does that make sense?
Kyle: Yee-yeah.
Audience members: [applause] Oh, wow, that's incredible! Wow!
Chef: Look uh, Mr. Edward, can you just ask Kenny how we can get him out, please?
John Edward: [blocking] Doesn't work that way. [turns his attention to the boys] Now, Kenny is telling me that... you're his best friends, and he's in a ss-safe place.
Stan: No no, he's trapped in Cartman's body.
John Edward: Ohh, there's somebody with him. Who's Kyle?
Kyle: I'm Kyle.
John Edward: Oh right. And uh, did an older woman pass, she's asking for Kyle? Maybe a grandma?
Kyle: [responding] Yeah. My Grandma. [looks around] She's here?
John Edward: She says there was something she asked you to do, and you're not doing it? She wants you to look for four white doves.
Kyle: Oh my God!
John Edward: Oh now she's sending me a P word. Maybe it's a puh-? Or a huh-?
Woman 1: My Harry died last year!
John Edward: Oh, it's comin' from over here. [moves to the woman's side of the audience] I'm getting all kinds of voices today. [does a small skip] Woo! [laughter]
Stan: Heh hey wait a minute dude.
John Edward: Okay now Harry. He's telling me... oh well, he's saying that you two used to... do things.
Woman 1: [sobs and nods vigorously] Mmm-hmm.
John Edward: And that those things involved... stuff?
Woman 1: The things did involve stuff, yes. [cries. The audience is awed and gets somewhat boisterous]
Scene Description: New York, outside John Edward's studio. Chef, Liane and the boys exit. Kyle is missing.
Chef: Aw man, I can't believe I got fooled by that asshole!
Stan: He seemed better on TV?
Chef: Yeah. They must edit his shows down on television to only show him getting mostly right answers.
Kyle: [exits the studio a bit panicked.] Grandma's watching me. Always watching me.
Stan: [approaches Kyle] Dude, you don't believe that guy talked to your grandma, do you? [Cartman has a seizure; the other boys look over. Cartman goes silent, and he's shown standing unconscious.]
Liane: Eric? [the others draw closer] It must be his time. I think it's running out!
Chef: We've got no choice. The only people I know now who might be able to help Eric are my parents. We'll have to take the next flight to Scotland.
Scene Description: New York Airport, day. The kids, Chef and Liane are ready for their flights.
Chef: [walks to Stan and Kyle and gives them their tickets] Okay children, this is your flight back to Colorado. Your parents are meeting you at the airport in Denver.
Stan: We don't get to go to Scotland?
Liane: It's too far and your parents want you back home.
Stan: [to Cartman] Oh well. Good luck getting Kenny out of you, fatso.
Cartman: Thanks, asshole.
Chef: Come on, we gotta catch our plane. You children get right on that plane now.
Announcer: This is the final boarding announcement for Flight 342 to Denver.
Stan: [moving off slowly] That's us. Come on.
Kyle: Four white birds!
Stan: Huh?
Kyle: There's four white birds! [Sees a sign for Jewleeard, a private school for young Jews. The sign has four birds in flight above a small school, two stars of David flanking the building, and two traditional Jewish men in overcoats, one at each end of the sign. A phone number is shown underneath. Kyle and Stan walk closer to the sign] This is what Grandma wants? She wants me to attend Jewleeard.
Stan: Dude, you were going to see four white birds eventually.
Kyle: So is it a coincidence that Grandma DID talk to me about going to Jewleeard someday?
Stan: Yes. Now, come on. Our plane is gonna leave. [walks off]
Kyle: I'm not going back.
Stan: [stops and looks at Kyle, astonished] What??
Kyle: I have to join Jewleeard and make Grandma proud! [drops his ticket on the ground] Tell my parents I'll call them. [hurries away]
Stan: Kyle. No, Kyle! Aw crap! [slaps his left palm on his face]
Scene Description: John Edward's estate, later. Stan arrives and goes to the front door. Needless to say, he didn't get on the plane either. He rings the bell and is greeted by the butler.
Stan: Hey, uh, I need to talk to Mr. Edward, please.
Butler: He doesn't do private readings.
Stan: I'm not here for a reading, I just need to ask him something real quick.
Butler: Alright, come on in. [steps aside for Stan to enter]
Scene Description: John Edward's estate, living room. Stan waits by the sofa.
Butler: Just wait here. I'll go fetch him. [the butler walks into another area of the house]
Stan: Jesus Christ.
Butler: [returns] Here he is. [presses a button next to a wide doorway]
Pre-recorded voice: Ladies and Gentlemen, John Edward. [John approaches and the butler presses a second button for applause]
John Edward: Thank you, thank you.
Stan: Hey uh, I need to ask you a big favor. You, you did a reading on my best friend and uh, well you kind of messed him up.
John Edward: Oh. [pulls out a card from his pocket and reads aloud] The John Edward show is not liable for opinions and materials given for entertainment purposes only. [silence for a few seconds]
Stan: Look, my friend Kyle won't fly back home to Colorado. All I need you to do is just talk to him and tell him, you know, the whole talking to dead people isn't for real.
John Edward: Maybe it is for real.
Stan: Right, but it's not. It's a trick you do and I need you to just let my friend Kyle know that so he can go on with his life.
John Edward: Look, people have the right to be skeptical. I really hear voices in my head.
Stan: Yes. We all hear voices in our heads. It's called "intuition." Get over yourself and tell my friend it's just for fun.
John Edward: Look, what I do doesn't hurt anybody. I give people closure and help them cope with life.
Stan: No, you give them false hope and a belief in something that isn't real.
John Edward: But I'm a psychic.
Stan: No dude, you're a douche.
John Edward: I'm not a douche! What if I really believe that dead people talk to me?
Stan: Then you're a stupid douche.
John Edward: I think I've had of your bullying me! Get out of my house or I'll runs upstairs, lock myself in my panic room and call the police!
Stan: I'm nine years old.
John Edward: I'm not talking to your friend and I'm not a douche! [runs up the stairs and towards his room as his voice gets whinier] You'd better get out of my house, 'cause I'm gonna call the police! [Stan looks at him like he's nuts; he locks himself in his panic room]
Stan: You are so a douche! I'm nominating you for the Biggest Douche in the Universe award, you douche! [walks towards the door, but notices some books on a bookcase nearby. He checks them out. "How To Be A Psychic" "Cold Reading: The Trick Of The Psychic!" "Make Women Believe You're Psychic! Then Have Sex With Them!" "How To Sixty Nine With Yourself" ...Stan senses the real reason behind John's efforts] Son of a bitch. [takes the books and leaves the estate.]
Scene Description: An airplane to Scotland, day. The plane is flying above the clouds. In the cabin, Cartman sits between Chef and Liane.
Cartman: Hey Kenny! Shut up, Kenny! You shut up, fatass!
Liane: Hang in there, sweetie. We'll be there soon.
Pilot: Welcome aboard Scotland Air. Our trip to Edinburgh should take about twelve hours.
Cartman: Twelve hours?? Jesus Christ!
Pilot: In the meantime we'd like to show you a complimentary film.
Cartman: Oh, good. [All passengers put on their headsets.]
Announcer: Rob Schneider is a Wall Street executive [Rob walks into the scene with a briefcase, then he's in a hot tub with a beautiful woman] With everything going for him. [now in his office, he gets up and straddles his desk. He then pretends the desk is a horse] Only problem is, he's about to become... [he walks up to a mirror and looks at himself] a carrot!
Rob Schneider: I'm a carrot!
Announcer: It's 24-carrot comedy. [hops away from a pursuing rabbit]
Rob Schneider: Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh ohh!
Announcer: [title text is shown] Rob Schneider is A Carrot. Rated PG-13.
Cartman: Oh for the love of Christ. [switches from miffed to excited] I wanna watch, fat boy! [...and back to miffed] No, Kenny, it's not funny!
Scene Description: The Jewleeard School, New York. Kyle approaches the school. Stan runs up to intercept him.
Stan: Kyle! Kyle!
Kyle: Don't try and stop me, Stan! This is what my grandma wants!
Stan: Look, I went and saw that John Edward guy. He's just a big douche.
Kyle: He's not a douche! He talked to my grandma!
Stan: Kyle, you can't run your life based on what some douchey psychic said. They all just use a technique called "cold reading." They've used it for hundreds of years to make people believe them.
Man 2: [listening, he approaches] Hey, whoa now. John Edward is for real.
Stan: No, he's not.
Woman 2: Yeah. My sister told me he knew our mother's name and when she died. [other adults begin to arrive and give testimony]
Construction worker: John Edward? Oh yeah, I heard he walked up to a guy on the street, and said his dead father wanted to say "Happy Birthday," and it WAS his birthday.
Woman 3: Yeah kid, how do you explain that?
Stan: [looks around at the adults, then] Alright, look. I'll show you. I just need a volunteer. How about you?
Woman 4: Oh-ho. Me? [steps forward. The others clap]
Stan: Okay, I'm gonna pretend that a dead person is talking to me about you, okay?
Woman 4: Okay.
Stan: Okay, watch, Kyle. Uh, it's an older man, someone very close to you.
Woman 4: My father?
Stan: Does this month, November, hold a special significance?
Woman 4: [gasps] My birthday's in November!
Stan: Right, because he's saying, "Tell her 'Happy Birthday.'"
Woman 4: Oh my God.
Stan: See, Kyle? I just started with something really vague. I chose an older man because I'm betting that, based on this woman's age, her father is most likely dead. But if her father wasn't dead, I could still say it was some other older man.
Man 2: Well then how'd you know her birthday was in November?
Stan: I didn't. I just asked her if November meant anything. Her father could have died in November, or Thanksgiving could have been really special for them. But I go with the birthday and validate it now, as if I knew, by saying "He wishes you a Happy Birthday."
Woman 4: [gasps] What else does he say?
Stan: Okay, I'll just use an old standard. He's saying "the money. Stop worrying about the money."
Woman 4: [gasps] Oh my God! My sister and I have been fighting over his inheritance.
Woman 3: That's amazing.
Stan: No it isn't! When a father dies, inheritance is usually an issue, and money is something everyone worries about.
Man 3: That sounds a little too coincidental.
Man 4: Yes. There's only one explanation. This kid can communicate with the dead!
Adults: Wow!
Stan: What?! [his deconstruction didn't work. The adults crowd in]
Man 2: Do me next. I wanna talk to my mother.
Woman 3: Can you try to reach my grandfather.
Stan: No wait.
Construction worker: You have to tell me if my sister's in a good place. [Kyle walks away from the crowd and into Jewleeard]
Man 5: Yeah, help me out too, 'k?
Man 6: I'm next. I'm next.
Man 7: Hey, get out of my way!
Man 8: Do me!
Scout: Kid, how would you like your own talking to the dead show?
Scene Description: Scotland, day, highlands. Night falls. Chef, Liane and Cartman arrive at the McElroy manor and Chef knocks on the door. Bagpipes that were playing stop. Mr. McElroy, Chef's dad, answers the door.
Chef: Hi Pop.
Thomas: Junior! Aw, son, it's good to see you now.
Chef: These are my friends, the Cartmans. [presents them]
Thomas: Well come on in out of the cold now. [the guests enter] There's heavy fog on the moors tonight. [closes the door, then leads them to the living room] Well, look what the cat dragged in, Nellie.
Nellie: Oh, my baby come home!
Chef: Hi, Momma! [gives her a hug]
Nellie: Lord, I thought you wasn't comin' till nine.
Chef: Mom, this is my friend, Ms. Cartman.
Liane: Please, call me Liane.
Nellie: So nice to have you here, Liane.
Thomas: And is this the children you told us about?
Chef: Yeah, Pop. This is Eric.
Thomas: Well, let's see here now. [genuflects and checks Cartman out in various places on the body] Mhm, mhm, mhm. [stands up] Yeup! There's definitely more than one children in there.
Liane: Oh dear.
Thomas: Nellie, you best have at it now.
Nellie: Oh Lord, and I just put the roast in the oven, too. [walks off to the kitchen muttering] Ain't gonna have no time now to baste it. Don't nobody blame me, a woman can't bake no roast and do everything else at the same time. [Thomas walks off to his left] Can't say that the roast is gonna be terrible, maybe just a little dry. [Thomas returns with a stool] But I suppose we can make some extra gravy to take the dryness out later. [Nellie returns dressed as a shaman with angel wings]
Thomas: Alright, children, stand up on this chair now.
Cartman: Right now?
Thomas: Yes, right now. [Cartman steps up on the small stool and Nellie begins to work on him.]
Nellie: [waving her scepters] Na kamaa karash meh nah- [strikes Cartman]
Cartman: Whoa, whoa, watch it lady.
Nellie: Come out now. Come out now.
Chef: Just stay still, Eric. Mom knows what she's doing.
Nellie: You all come out of there now.
Scene Description: "The Other Side".
Announcer: At a very young age one young boy learned he had a special gift. This is "The Other Side." [the curtain rises to reveal Stan on set with the studio audience clapping. He steps forward and the curtain falls down behind him]
Stan: Okay, listen to me. Listen very carefully. [the applause dies down] This is a trick that I am doing. Okay? Watch. All I'm gonna do is say a name that I'm gonna pick at random. Okay? [puts his hand to his temple] They want me to acknowledge Pete, or Peter.
Woman 5: [jumps up] Yes! Yes, my Peter! [begins to sob]
Audience: Wow!! [begins to clap]
Stan: No! Stop clapping! All I did was pick a random name and wait for somebody in the audience to give a response. Now that I see that there's a lone woman crying, my instinct tells me Peter was her husband. So I say, "Peter was your husband?"
Woman 5: [sobbing] Yes, yes! Yes, my husband Peter!
Audience: Wow!! [begins to clap]
Woman 6: Oh wow!
Stan: [getting annoyed] Stop it! I didn't do anything!
Man 9: [rises and accuses] You knew Peter was dead!
Stan: [reminding] I didn't start by saying Peter is dead! I started by saying, "They want me to acknowledge Peter." That could have meant Peter was in the audience or that Peter was somebody's friend, or Peter had died. I couldn't be wrong, see? Now, I can look at this woman and see that she's fairly young, so odds are her husband was fairly young when he died. So I can say something like, "I'm getting that Peter's death was very untimely."
Woman 5: [sobbing] Yes, it was.
Audience: Wow!! [begins to clap]
Man 10: Amazing!
Woman 7: Ask Peter if he knows my little Billy.
Stan: [frustrated, with right hand over his clenched eyelids] Okay. Let's back up. [each audience row backs up to the one behind it] Not literally!
Scene Description: McElroy manor, night. Nellie is still working on Cartman. He's laying on a bed, and Chef's dad helps in the exorcism.
Thomas: In the name of all that is holy we demand this spirit be set free!
Cartman: Ahh, Aahhhh! [the adults back away from the bed. Soon, an orange glow appears on Cartman's belly]
Thomas: There we go! We're gettin' somethin' now!
Nellie: Come on out, spirit. Go!
Thomas: Come on out hyow! It's safe! [Cartman groans with the pain Kenny's spirit is causing him. Thomas quickly moves to the foot of the bed] Here it comes! The spirit is comin' out hyuh! [a timer goes off]
Nellie: Oooo, that's the potatoes. [she removes all her costume and heads to the kitchen]
Thomas: [a few seconds later] Well hold on the potatoes two seconds, woman! [Nellie stops and turns around] The soul's comin' out hyuh! [Cartman writhes on the bed as Kenny's spirit now glows from Cartman's pants] It's almost done. Alright, son. Now bring me the victim child!
Chef: The victim child?
Thomas: Yeah. You know, the child that we sacrifice so we can put Kenny's soul into its body. [Chef looks off to his right. Liane and Thomas follow his gaze]
Nellie: Oh Lord, they didn't bring a victim child.
Chef: Where were we gonna find a child to sacrifice?
Nellie: We weren't gonna ask you where you got it from. [Cartman groans once more, and Kenny's spirit bolts out and bounces around the room. The adults try to dodge it]
Thomas: God-damnit! The spirit's out and it don't have no where to go!
Nellie: Lord, Thomas, don't let it get on the curtains.
Scene Description: Movie trailer. First scene is a disco dance floor. Rob Schneider is dancing around like John Travolta.
Announcer: Rob Schneider derp de derp. [next scene: he's walking down a city street when a pretty woman passes by. He looks back at her] Derp de derpity derpy derp. [he runs into a light standard. Next scene: he's a lab technician working with nitrogen. He drinks a strange liquid] Until one day, the derpa derpa derpaderp. [Rob is shown dancing like a monkey on the street] Derp de derp. [he's in a house begging like a dog in front of a woman] da teedily dumb.
Rob Schneider: [rises a bit, then starts falling backwards down the stairs] Whoa! [hits the ground floor landing]
Announcer: From the creators of Der, and Tum Ta Tittaly Tum Ta Too, Rob Schneider is Da Derp Dee Derp Da Teetley Derpee Derpee Dumb. Rated PG-13.
Scene Description: The Jewleeard School, New York. Kyle is studying. Stan approaches him with a stack of papers.
Stan: Here. Look, Kyle. I found tons of testimonials on the Internet saying that John Edward has the entire studio wired to hear what people are talking about before the show. And, he pays actors to be plants in the audience.
Kyle: You're just jealous he's a better psychic than you.
Stan: Fine, I give up! You wanna stay in New York?! Then go ahead! [throws the stack away and leaves. He reaches the front doors, opens them, and is face-to-face with John Edward]
John Edward: So, you think you can talk to dead people better than me, huh?!
Stan: No, I don't think either one of us can. [Kyle gets up from his seat and leaves the room]
John Edward: They told me your show is getting better ratings than mine, that you're saying I'm a fraud on your show! You'd better not ever call me a liar, or a fake, or a douche again, or else I'll sue you for slander!
Stan: I'm saying this to you, John Edward, you are a liar, you are a fake, and you are the biggest douche ever!
John Edward: Everything I tell people is positive and gives them hope! How does that make me a douche?!
Stan: Because the big questions in life are tough: Why are we here? Where are we from? Where are we going? But if people believe in asshole douchey liars like you, we're never gonna find the real answer to those questions. You aren't just lying, you're slowing down the progress of all mankind, you douche!
John Edward: I'M NOT A DOUCHE! And I challenge you to a psychic showdown! I'll prove to the world that I'm psychic and you're not!
Stan: Fine, douche! [slams one door on him...]
John Edward: I'm not a douche! [...then the other]
Scene Description: The McElroy manor, night. Kenny's spirit is now in the living room flitting about. Thomas enters with a broom, swinging it around to capture it somehow.
Thomas: Well come on, the soul's in here! It can't escape now. [Liane and Chef enter the room] It's goin' to the light! Unfortunately, it's the livin' room light.
Nellie: I'll open a window, you try to chase it out, Thomas.
Thomas: Go on now, soul now!
Nellie: Here, spirit, come out the window. [opens a window] I'll give you tree-fiddy. [holds out some money for the spirit]
Thomas: Now don't go offerin' the soul no tree-fiddy, woman!
Nellie: I'm just tryin' to persuade it.
Thomas: Well I know, but you can at least start at about two quarter or somethin' [the spirit comes out of the light and flits out of the living room] Aw Christmas, there it goes again!
Nellie: [drops the money] It's headin' for the kitchen! Aw, Thomas, the pot roast! [heads for the kitchen after the spirit]
Scene Description: The McElroy manor, kitchen. Kenny's spirit flits in and bounces around the kitchen. The adults enter, hot on its trail.
Thomas: Over here!
Liane: Get it down.
Nellie: Don't let it get in the roast! [the spirit moves over the roast. The others move with it, but the spirit dives into the pot roast, making it bounce. The adults crowd in and look at the pot roast]
Thomas: Oh. Well. I guess the child's a pot roast now.
Chef: What do we do with it now?
Nellie: [turns around to get something] Well I'll wrap it up with some plastic wrap so you can take it home with ya. Should last a few months in the freezer. [turns around with a box of Saran Wrap]
Cartman: [entering refreshed] Hey, ah I feel a lot better.
Chef: Eric, you're okay! [the others gather around him. Liane kneels to hug him]
Liane: Oh, baby, your time is back!
Nellie: [lays a hand on Cartman's head and pronounces] This child is clean.
Scene Description: The John Edward studio.
Announcer: Ladies and Gentlemen, it's "Psychic Showdown." Here are John Edward, and Stan Marsh. [both of them enter and get on stage. The studio audience applauds]
John Edward: Thank you. [the applause dies down. He turns to Stan] Alright, asshole! I know you're here to try to throw me off, so go ahead. Give me your best shot!
Stan: No, I don't wanna talk to you. I wanna talk to the audience.
John Edward: Wah-why?
Stan: You see, I learned something today. At first I thought you were all just stupid, listening to this douche's advice, but now I understand that you're all here because you're scared. You're scared of death and he offers you some kind of understanding. You all want to believe in it so much, I know you do. You find comfort in the thought that your loved ones are floating around trying to talk to you, but think about it: Is that really what you want? To just be floating around after you die, having to talk to this asshole? [the audience is listening] We need to recognize this stuff for what it is: magic tricks. Because whatever's really going on in life and in death is much more amazing than this douche. [more audience listening, reflection. Kyle is present. One man claps, then others clap with him, then murmurs are heard]
Audience members: Yes. Right. Yeah. [John looks angrily at Stan]
Kyle: [now next to Stan with fake beard in hand] You're right, Stan. My Grandma isn't floating around, judging me and watching what I do. She's dead. Dead and gone forever.
Stan: Yeah.
John Edward: But I do have a special power! I know I do!
Stan: There's nothing special about you, dude. Get over yourself.
John Edward: God-damnit, I'm special!! [a rumble is heard, the studio shakes, and a bright light shines from above. John, Stan and Kyle look up in wonder]
Man 11: What the?
Woman 8: Aaaah! [the ceiling above the studio begins to crack, and a huge red spacecraft breaks through, descending to the ground. Stan and Kyle step back. The craft settles down and a door opens downward to become a staircase. Aliens appear and descend the stairs]
Lead alien: [with two noses, and a pair of eyes for each nose. The eyes stick out like antennae] Greetings from the Jannex Galaxy. [the other aliens take a bow] We seek the great John Edward.
John Edward: Why that... that's me!
Lead alien: Sir, it is an honor to meet you. [extends his... "hand"]
John Edward: [extends his hand and gives the alien a handshake] Well, thank you very much! [looks smugly at Stan]
Stan: No, it can't be.
Lead alien: I am Quagmar, and this is the Intergalactic BDIU Committee. Mr. Edward, it is my honor to inform you that you have been nominated for Biggest Douche In the Universe! [the other aliens clap]
John Edward: What?!
Alien 2: [in purple robes, with yellow legs] You are the first nominee from the Milky Way Galaxy.
Alien 3: [with four arms] Congratulations!
Stan: Oh, dude! [smiles]
Alien 2: If you step into our plabpa feed, we'll give you a first-class ride to the awards show. [the aliens escort him into the spacecraft]
John Edward: No, wait! I'm not a douche! I make people feel good about themselves! [the door closes and the spacecraft takes off] I give people resolution! [the craft is seen going straight up, then off in a random direction. Stan and Kyle look on, then they turn around]
Stan: Now do you people believe me?
Man 12: Well I don't know. How did Edward know my father died in March?
Scene Description: Denver International Airport, day. Cartman, Liane, and Chef exit the airport.
Cartman: God-damnit that was a long flight! I thought we'd never get out of stinky-ass smelly Scotland!
Liane: Oh it's so good to have you acting like yourself again, sweetie.
Chef: Well, come on. We'd better get Kenny back to his parents. Wait a minute. Who's got the pot roast?
Liane: I thought you got it.
Cartman: It's still at baggage claim!
Chef: Aw, damnit! Come on! [they go back into the airport] We've gotta find him! Kenny!
Scene Description: Commercial.
Announcer: Rob Schneider is a somewhat popular comedic actor [he's seen dancing around on the red carpet on his way into the Chinese theater] who seemed to have it all, [now sitting at his desk counting his millions] until one day, he came across a pot roast, [standing in line at Denver International, he sees the pot roast on a table. The roast is labeled "Chef McElroy, South Park"] and his life changed forever. [he's taken the roast home and is carving it up and eating it. He senses something is wrong] Now he's sharing his body with an eight-year-old boy. [first, on a hobby elephant as the kids watch then, in Kenny's room getting dressed; then, waiting at the bus stop with Stan, Kyle, and Cartman] And he's about to find out [now getting on his desk and dancing] that being eight [now on all fours attempting to kiss Millie. Barbrady and partner show up; next, he's running down the street trying to escape the officers] ain't so great. [standing on the Kenny McCormick Memorial Square stage, suffers the same fate Kenny did back when Kathy Lee Gifford came to town - getting shot and then impaled on the South Park flag pole] Rob Schneider is KENNY! [title text and graphic come up] Rated PG-13.
Scene Description: Somewhere in space...
Announcer: Live, from the space station Xion, in the Vuntlin Galaxy. It's the Biggest Douche In the Universe Award! [title graphic comes up. Inside, one finds that this is the 478th Annual Award. The auditorium is huge, with two balcony levels]
Lion-head alien: This year's nominees are...
Bee alien: [yellow, with nine eyes, two large wings, and a mouth at the very top of the body] Quaglar the Destructor, Andromeda Galaxy, Planet J-11. [applause. A massive shackled green alien roars]
Lion-head alien: Damanta Unit 5, J-Lax Galaxy, Planet Neeu. [a robot with a metallic sledgehammer]
Damanta Unit 5: Derrr. [hammers himself on the head with the sledgehammer]
Bee alien: John Edward, Milky Way Galaxy, Planet Earth. [some aliens around Edward start to cheer]
John Edward: I'm not a douche!
Lion-head alien: And finally, Ursula, the giant douche [a douche bottle with applicator] from the Horsehead Nebula, Station J-12.
Bee alien: And the winner for Biggest Douche In the Universe is... [opens the envelope and reads] It's John Edward, Milky Way Galaxy, Planet Earth!
John Edward: [a lovely alien woman comes to take him to the stage] Uh no, come on now! [once on stage, he gets a beauty-pageant treatment, complete with banner over his shoulder saying "BIGGEST DOUCHE" and a crown]
Frankenstein alien: Here he is, the Biggest Douche of the Universe! In all the galaxies, there's no bigger douche than you! You've reached the top, the pinnacle of douchedom! Good going, douche. Your dreams have come true!
Announcer: Da derpa derpa derpaderp. Da Derp Dee Derp Da Teetley Derpee Derpee Dumb!