Scene Description: Sundance Film Festival. A small Western town. Bustling sounds are heard as the camera slowly pans down. A crowd streams by in the background behind a sports car and limo, and front and center are Robert Redford and a woman.
Robert Redford: Why do we hold the Sundance Film Festival here, Phyllis? It's so painfully crowded.
Phyllis: Because. People from L.A. love to come to a quaint little mountain town for a few days, and this gives them an excuse.
Robert Redford: No, this used to be a quaint little mountain town. Now look at it. Sushi restaurants, upscale clothes stores, $25 parking, Liam Neeson... I tell you, Phyllis, I think we've tapped this town's resources out. We must move the festival to another small mountain town and begin again.
Phyllis: That's not a bad idea. But where?
Scene Description: South Park. Winter is indeed back. A man hums as he arrives at the town flag pole with a purple flag and runs it up to the top. It unfurls, revealing: 1st Annual South Park Film Festival. A crowd instantly pours in and mills about.
Man in background: Ching ching cha-ching.
Man in foreground: Whoa.
Scene Description: South Park Elementary.
Mr. Garrison: Okay, children. I have some very exciting news for you... Oo-why don't you tell them, Mr. Twig?
Mr. Twig: That's right, Mr. Garrison. The First Annual South Park Film Festival begins today.
Wendy: Wow! Cool!
Kyle: They're not gonna show that stupid-ass Godzilla movie again, are they?
Mr. Garrison: Nono, Kyle. These are independent films.
Stan: Hoohh, like Independence Day? That sucked ass, too.
Cartman: No, dude, independent films are those black and white hippie movies. They're always about gay cowboys eating pudding.
Wendy: No they're not! Independent films are produced outside the Hollywood system. They're movies about all the glitz and glamour of Hollywood.
Cartman: Byeh, sure. Well, you show me one independent film that isn't about gay cowboys eating pudding!
Wendy: Once again, you have no idea what you're talking about, fatass!
Cartman: I'm not fat! I just haven't grown into my body yet, skinny bitch!
Wendy: (Gasp)!
Mr. Garrison: Eric, if you call Wendy a bitch one more time, I'm sending you to the principal's office!
Scene Description: Cartman looks around for a second.
Cartman: ...bitch.
Mr. Garrison: That's it Eric, you-!
Cartman: I'm going!
Scene Description: He hops off his chair and walks out, closing the door behind him.
Mr. Garrison: Anyway, children, I want you all to see at least one independent film at the festival and then write a paper about it.
Scene Description: The class groans.
Mr. Garrison: The first film showing is called Witness To Denial, and it's a sexual exploration piece about two women in love.
Stan: Oh, my uncle Jimbo has a ton of those movies in his dresser drawer.
Scene Description: There's certainly a lot of people now. Two of them are talking on cell phones.
Director 1: Norma, I want to shoot the script next month with Demi Moore instead.
Director 2: [In shorts!] Well you can tell Spielberg he can kiss my ass!
Mayor McDaniels: [Walking about with one of her aides.] Wow, look at this, Johnson. Traffic jams at every intersection, hoards of people pushing their way through the crowd. It's almost like we're a real city.
Scene Description: After school and the kids are out in the town.
Cartman: I can't believe I got sent to the principal's office because of your stupid girlfriend!
Stan: She's not my girlfriend.
Kenny: (Yeah, that's because you vomit on her all the time.)
Scene Description: Cartman and Kyle laugh.
Kyle: Sick, Kenny.
Stan: Damn, dude. Look at all these people.
Director 3: [Rushing by with a cell phone.] I'm late for a screening, I'll call you from the theater.
Kyle: All this for a bunch of stupid movies?
Scene Description: They come upon a stand that says CHEF'SSOUL FOOD
Chef: Hello there, children!
The boys: Hey, Chef.
Stan: Whatcha doin'?
Chef: Children, this whole film festival thing has quite lucrative monetary possibilities. Now I'm gonna sell some of my famous cookies, to these Hollywood types, and make a mint!
Cartman: What kind of cookies?
Stan: Calm down, tubby.
Chef: They're little cookies, with fudge in the middle. And I call them, "Fudge 'Ems".
Scene Description: Chef pulls out a box with that name on them.
Cartman: I wanna Fudge 'Em.
Chef: I can just see the commercial now. "Wife got you down? Boss makin' you angry? Kids yellin' atcha? Well, Fudge 'Ems."
Kyle: Cool!
Chef: And I've also got my double chocolate cookies, "Fudge This."
Director 3: [Passing by with his date.] Oh look, one of the natives is selling local food wares... how quaint.
Woman: This is why I come to these things, to get away from L.A. and become one with the more simple culture.
Chef: Well, perhaps you'd like to try my low-calorie cookies, "Go Fudge Yourself," or my all-natural, "I Don't Really Give A Flying Fudge."
Woman: Ooh, do you have any tofu or steamed celery?
Chef: Huh?
Director 3: I would kill for some cous cous right now.
Chef: Whose goose?
Woman: Uuuuh, never mind. We brought some food from the Natural Market in L.A.
Director 3: Cute sign, though.
Scene Description: The couple leaves, and Chef looks confused. Wendy walks up.
Wendy: Stan, I have two tickets for the opening film of the festival. Would you like to come with me?
Cartman: [Taunting.] Stan, nunh tunh tunh tunh tunh tunh tunh tunh tunh tunh tunh tunh hunh. Tunh tunh tunh tunh tinh teenh?
Stan: Shut up, Cartman! [To Wendy.] Sure, dude. I mean, since we have to write a paper on a film anyway. [They walk away.]
Cartman: She'll be the death of him, Kyle. Mark my words: she'll be the death of him.
Kyle: If she holds his hand in that theater it'll be all over.
Chef: Get 'em while they're hot! My all new cookies! "I Just Went And Fudged Your Momma!"
Cartman: [To Kyle.] Jesus, he sure ran that one into the ground.
Scene Description: At the Bijou, South Park's movie theater. Now playing: Witness To Denial. Stan sits in the front row with Wendy.
Stan: When's this thing start? I hope there are some good previews.
Wendy: Stan, film festival movies usually don't have previews before them.
Stan: They what?!
Scene Description: The projectionist starts the film. Only the right half of a woman is shown in close-up. The sound is overmodulated.
Candice: Who are you to judge my womanly soul?
Scene Description: Her girlfriend appears far in the background.
Candice: The Goddess flames that burn in my memory aren't dark. Dare you call them dark!
Scene Description: They switch places. The girlfriend's left side appears in close-up.
Candice: Here lies the Goddess truth of my body.
Stan: [With soda and popcorn.] Oh, brother.
Candice: The Goddess that cries, "Freedom!"
Scene Description: Her hands cover her mouth.
Candice: Here is the Goddess truth of my womanly being
Scene Description: Stan puts his left hand on the arm rest. Wendy reaches for his soda and takes a sip. In a new scene, Candice is talking to her lover, who wears a Lilith Fare shirt.
Candice: You are my blossom, my flame. When we make love, it's like the sun is right outside the door.
Candice's Girlfriend: Then make love to me, right now
Scene Description: The two of them embrace and drop out of view.
Stan: Dude!
Wendy: Sshh!
Stan: Dude!
Scene Description: Kyle's house. He's in the restroom crapping away.
Kyle: I can see clearly now, the rain is gone I can see all obstacles in my way-
Sheila: [From the master bedroom.] Bubbeleh you need to get to bed! It's late!
Kyle: I'm poopies, ma!
Sheila: Well, hurry up!
Kyle: Gone are the dark clouds that had me-
Mr. Hankey: [Voice only, slowly, with echo.] Ky-yle! Ky-yle!
Scene Description: Kyle looks down into the toilet.
Kyle: Could it be?
Mr. Hankey: [In his shrill voice.] Hooowwwdy ho!
Scene Description: Kyle hops off and looks into the toilet. No poo is seen.
Kyle: Mr. Hankey? Mr. Hankey, is that you? Hello?
Scene Description: Day two of the South Park Film Festival.
Tom: I'm here live in South Park, Colorado, where citizens from Los Angeles are arriving in droves for the town's first annual film festival. This is just a small quiet mountain community where nothing out of the ordinary ever really happens, [Softly.] except for the occasional complete destruction of the entire town [Normally.] and so the excitement level is naturally very high. Right now, the townspeople are anxiously awaiting the arrival of some of Hollywood's top celebrities.
Scene Description: At the Bijou, the boys are watching "The Body Decayeth".
Kyle: It was him, dude. I told you, it was Mr. Hankey!
Cartman: Wait, I thought Mr. Hankey only came at Christmastime.
Kyle: Well, I'm sure it was him.
Man: Look, look! Here comes somebody!
Scene Description: People come closer as a limousine pulls up. Someone steps out.
A woman: Move aside, I can't see.
Tom: Ladies and gentlemen, TV's Fred Savage.
Scene Description: Fred Savage steps out of the limo wearing a shirt that says, 'I'm Fred Savage'.
Crowd: [In disappointment.] AAWWWW!
Scene Description: Fred's head drops as the limo and crowd scurries away.
Tom: Well, I'm sure a real person will show up soon.
Kyle: So how was that movie last night, dude?
Stan: Aw, dude, you don't even wanna know!
Cartman: It had a bunch of gay cowboys eating pudding, huh?
Stan: Yeah, pretty much.
Cartman: Yeah!
Stan: The theater sucks, though. They need to get a bigger screen.
Kyle: Maybe they should project the movies on Cartman's ass.
Scene Description: Stan and Kenny laugh.
Cartman: Ay!
Stan: Yeah, but that'd be like IMAX.
Scene Description: Kyle and Kenny laugh.
Cartman: Okay, that's enough fat-ass jokes for this week.
Kenny: (Cartman's ass is so fuckin' huge that they could probably show six stupid films on it and still have some room, heheheheheh.)
Scene Description: Stan and Kyle laugh.
Cartman: Okay, that does it. Screw you guys, I'm going home.
Scene Description: Cartman looks around, but doesn't go anywhere.
Kyle: Well?
Cartman: I'm gonna, just give me a minute.
Robert Redford: This is perfect. Why didn't we think of it sooner? This town still has some charm left, not the mess we turned Park City into.
Phyllis: Forgive me for being observant, but, won't we just end up doing the same thing to this town?
Robert Redford: Yes. And the town after, and the town after that. Like termites, we will move this film festival from town to town until we have used it up. And then move on, until every quiet mountain town is like Los Angeles.
Phyllis: Why? Why would we do such a thing?
Robert Redford: Because we have to live in L.A. And if we can't live in quiet, simple, peaceful mountain towns, then nobody will!
Scene Description: He laughs maniacally.
Robert Redford: Waitwaitwait. Zoom in to a close-up of my face when I do that. Ready? Then NOBODY will!
Scene Description: The camera moves in as he laughs maniacally again.
Robert Redford: That's it.
Scene Description: The kids pass by Chef's booth. Cartman is still with them. Now the booth says "Chef's Salty Balls"
Chef: Children! I'm glad you're here! I want you to check out my new confectioneries. I think they're going to sell right through the roof! I call them, "Chef's Salty Chocolate Balls."
Scene Description: He brings out the cookie tray to show them. The boys say nothing.
Stan: Are they good?
Chef: Try 'em.
Stan: Hey, dude, these are good!
Cartman: Yeah, I love these Salty Chocolate Balls, Chef.
Scene Description: Kenny laughs at Cartman's unintended double entendre.
Mr. Hankey: [From under the runoff grate.] Ky-yle!
Kyle: There it is again!
Scene Description: Stan and Kyle have traded places.
Stan: There is what again?
Scene Description: Kyle looks left.
Mr. Hankey: [Moaning.] Ky-yle!
Kyle: It's Mr. Hankey! I think he's in some kind of trouble.
Scene Description: Mr. Hankey's theme song begins to play.
Stan: Dude, how do you tell if a piece of poo is in trouble?
Kyle: Where does that grill go?
Stan: To the sewer, dude.
Kyle: Of course, the sewer! That must be where he is. Come on!
Scene Description: He walks off, but stops when no one follows.
Kyle: Come on!
Scene Description: The boys have left, Chef starts to sing.
Chef: Hey, everybody, have you seen my balls? They're big and salty and brown If you ever need a quick pick-me-up, just stick my balls in your mouth Ooooo, suck on my cho-colate salty balls put 'em in your mouth Put 'em in your mouth and suck 'em and suck 'em...
Scene Description: The boys are now in the sewer with flashlights in hand. A rat clamors up a pipe and out of view. Spiderwebs are everywhere.
Cartman: Aw, man, smells like ass down here.
Kyle: Of course it smells like ass, retard. It's a sewer!
Scene Description: A sound is heard and the boys quickly turn to look.
Stan: What was that?
Scene Description: The beam of his flashlight lands on a rat.
Cartman: Aw, man, let's get out of here!
Kyle: We can't, dude. Not until we find Mr. Hankey.
Scene Description: They look ahead, only to see something making splashes in the water.
The boys: Aaaaah!
Kenny: (Wait!)
Scene Description: The figure rises and turns, only to reveal itself as a snorkeling human, Mr. Garrison, with him is Mr. Twig.
Kyle: What the hell?
Scene Description: Mr. Garrison removes his mouthpiece.
Stan: Mr. Garrison?
Mr. Garrison: Oh uh- hello, children.
Cartman: What are you doing down in the sewer with a bunch of snorkel stuff on?
Mr. Garrison: Oh I- I was just-uh hangin' out.
Kyle: In a sewer?
Mr. Garrison: Children, do you know how to file a police report?
The boys: No.
Mr. Garrison: Good. See you in school.
Scene Description: He puts his mouthpiece back on and drops into the water. The boys are stunned, but walk forward.
Cartman: This is ridiculous! What the hell are we, the Goonies?
Kyle: Yeah, we're the Goonies, Cartman. Why don't you pretend like you're the fat kid?
Cartman: Okay, that does it. Screw you guys, I'm home.
Mr. Hankey: Hooowwwdy ho!
Scene Description: The boys turn to see Mr. Hankey rowing in a paper fries tray.
Kyle: Mr. Hankey!
Mr. Hankey: Howdy-ho, boys.
Kyle: I told you guys he'd be here!
Mr. Hankey: Gosh, look at yuh. You're all growin' up sho fasht.
Cartman: [Displeased.] Hi, Mr. Hankey. Nice to see yuh.
Mr. Hankey: Have you all been brushing behind your teeth?
The boys: Yes.
Mr. Hankey: And usin' dental floss?
The boys: Yes.
Mr. Hankey: And washin' behind your ears?
The boys: Yes.
Cartman: No.
Scene Description: Mr. Hankey coughs.
Kyle: What's the matter, Mr. Hankey? Are you sick?
Mr. Hankey: Oh, I just got a little cold is all. All these new people in South Park are stressful on my home.
Stan: What do you mean?
Mr. Hankey: Well, you see, boys, the sewer is a fragile ecosystem.
Cartman: [Incredulous.] Oh my God.
Mr. Hankey: These new folks in town eat nothin' but cous cous, tofu, and raw vegetables, and it's destroying my environment.
Kyle: And that's why you got a cold?
Mr. Hankey: That's why, Kyle. That's why.
Stan: Well, why don't you just ask them to leave?
Mr. Hankey: There's only one time of year I can come to the surface, and that's Christmastime. That's why I need you boys to go for me.
Scene Description: He coughs some more.
Kyle: Don't worry, Mr. Hankey. We'll go tell everyone. Come on, guys.
Scene Description: The boys move off.
Mr. Hankey: Don't forget to change your sheets once a week!
Scene Description: Mr. Hankey rows away. Meanwhile, back at the festival... Playing at the Bijou: "A Bunch Of Gay Cowboys Eating Pudding." Score another one for Cartman. Inside, the festival host stands before the movie audience.
Host: So without further ado we will begin this amazing film. It's a work of blood, sweat, and tears.
Kyle: [Rushing in.] Wait! Stop! Could I have your attention, please?
Director 4: Is that Leonardo DiCaprio?
Scene Description: The audience buzzes and cameras flash everywhere, Kyle shields his eyes.
Kyle: Aaahh!
Director 4: Ohuh no, wait, that's not him.
Scene Description: The audience groans.
Kyle: Ladies and gentlemen, my best friend, Mr. Hankey, is getting sick because South Park has become overcrowded with people who eat health food.
Female director: Excuse me, little boy, what's a "Mr. Hankey"?
Kyle: He's a talking piece of poo that lives in the sewer. But now he's getting sick because his egosystem is all out of whack because of all the extra poo in the sewer. If you don't all leave and go home soon, Mr. Hankey's gonna die. He's one of my best friends in the whole wide world, and I don't want him to die.
Scene Description: No reaction from the audience.
Director 3: What a great story-it has everything!
Female director: This could be the next Free Willy.
Director 5: Great pic, son. How much do you want for it?
Kyle: Huh??
Director 6: Does it-uh have to be a talking piece of poo?
Scene Description: The boys just stare.
Director 7: It could be a crime-fighting rabbit. Or a lovable turtle.
Director 4: This could be a great summer movie.
Female director 2: [Rising in the back.] Can we put a mon-key in it?
Director 8: "The Mr. Hankey Stor-" uh is Harrison Ford available for a fall pic?
Director 9: Keanu Reeves.
Director 10: Matt Damon!
Fred Savage: Fred Savage!
Scene Description: The other audience members laugh at the thought, and Fred is miffed.
Director 7: I'd pay a million for this story!
Director 10: I'll pay two.
Scene Description: The rest of the audience descends into conversation.
Kyle: Dude, no one even listened to me.
Stan: Well um, it does sound like a pretty sweet movie.
Scene Description: One of the directors has pulled Cartman aside.
Director 3: Mmuh I take it you're part owner of this whole Mr. Hooey story, right?
Cartman: Huh? Uhuh, yeah, I guess.
Director 3: I want you to do a big-money deal with me.
Cartman: All of us?
Director 3: Mm-we-hell, I can see that you're the real brains of the group. You don't really need those guys, do you?
Cartman: Ye-ah, screw those guys. I don't even like them.
Director 3: Hm-that's great, kid. Let's make a deal.
Scene Description: They walk off. Meanwhile, in front of the library. Robert Redford and Phyllis have something to announce. Of course, the Mayor and her aides are there.
Robert Redford: Ladies and gentlemen, I want to thank you all for making the First Annual South Park Film Festival a success. We've barely even started and already the festival has seen more attendance than last year's Sundance festival.
Scene Description: The crowd cheers.
Someone in the crowd: Fantastic!
Robert Redford: And I'm very pleased to announce that in honor of the South Park people who have welcomed us, we are going to build a Hollywood Planet restaurant, right here where this library used to stand.
Scene Description: A wrecking ball appears and knocks the building down with one fell swoop.
Crowd: [Gasping.] Ooohhh!
Aide 2: Can they do that?
Mayor McDaniels: They're Hollywood! They can do anything!
Scene Description: Kyle is in the sewer all alone, looking to tell Mr. Hankey the bad news. An organ is heard.
Kyle: Mr. Hankey!
Scene Description: Kyle looks all around and walks.
Kyle: Mr. Hankey?!
Scene Description: Kyle is surprised to see an organ before him, and Mr. Hankey playing vigorously.
Kyle: Mr. Hankey?
Mr. Hankey: [Turns around.] Oh, Kyle. Howdy-ho.
Scene Description: Mr. Hankey starts coughing again.
Mr. Hankey: Well, how did it go? Is everyone gonna stop poopin' in my environment?
Kyle: They didn't believe me. They thought I was pitching a movie.
Mr. Hankey: [Droops.] Oh. I, I see. Welluh shucks, Kyle, I can't thank you enough for tryin'.
Scene Description: He turns back and starts playing the organ again.
Kyle: [Determined.] We only have one option. I've gotta take you to the surface.
Mr. Hankey: Aw I can't. The sun'll dry me out.
Kyle: It's the only way to prove to them that you're real.
Mr. Hankey: But I won't last long up above.
Kyle: Well, you're not gonna last down here either, Mr. Hankey. Now, come on! I'm not gonna let you die!
Mr. Hankey: All right, just let me get my toothbrush.
Scene Description: The Bijou. Wendy and Stan are heading for the ticket booth.
Wendy: Come on, Stan, we're gonna be late for the screening!
Scene Description: They look up to see "Tom Hanks in: Me & Mr. Hankey".
Stan: Jeez, they made that into a movie already?
Scene Description: Inside, they sit in the first row, middle two seats. On the screen, Tom Hanks is in a hospital with a fever, hand to forehead.
Tom Hanks: Mr. Hankey, I can't go on anymore. I've lost the fight.
Mr. Hankey: [A talking monkey hanging from the curtain.] No, I'm not leaving without you.
Scene Description: The monkey drops down and goes to Tom Hanks' bedside.
Mr. Hankey: We started this together, we're gonna finish it together.
Scene Description: The monkey holds his hand.
Tom Hanks: I always thought death was something glorious, but now I know that it's not.
Scene Description: Stan reaches out for Wendy's hand. Wendy cries, blows her nose into a napkin, and hands it to Stan, who just looks at it.
Director 3: [Sitting in the back with Cartman.] It's going over really well. People are gonna be knocking my door down to get you.
Cartman: Who the hell cast Tom Hanks in this?! Tom Hanks can't act his way out of a nutsack!
Tom Hanks: [Onscreen.] I'll always love you, Mr. Hankey.
Cartman: [Mocking.] I'll momaymumyeu, Meemuhmammy.
Scene Description: Kenny waits outside for Stan and Wendy, so he's passing the time with a yo-yo. The doors open and the patrons flood out, crushing Kenny.
Man 1: Oh my God, I found a penny! [Picks it up.]
Man 2: You bastard!
Scene Description: The street. A manhole cover pops up and Kyle comes out with Mr. Hankey.
Kyle: Mph. Okay, Mr. Hankey. We're out. How are you doin'?
Mr. Hankey: [Looking more frozen than dry.] It sure is -dry up here. [Coughs]
Kyle: Don't worry. We'll do this quick, okay? Just hang on, Mr. Hankey, just hang on!
Scene Description: Construction is under way at the Hollywood Planet, South Park's "Death Star".
Mayor McDaniels: Excuse me, Mr. Film Commissioner, could I have a word with you?
Robert Redford: [Arms crossed.] Make it quick.
Mayor McDaniels: Well, the people of my town are a little upset. I don't think we realized what an impact this festival would have on our town.
Robert Redford: Uh-huh.
Mayor McDaniels: Right. So, we were actually wondering if we could call this whole thing off?
Robert Redford: We have contracts. [He pulls some out.] You try to pull out now, we'll sue your little town for every penny it's got. But thanks so much for the hard work.
Cartman: [With director 3.] Eh but, but this doesn't make sense to me, Marty! Okay, you told me the movie made a lot of money!
Marty: Mmp right. Two million, minus your agent's fee, minus your lawyer's fee, minus my fee, and the publicity and taxes taken out, you get three dollars! That's more than most people in your position make, trust me!
Stan: [Happening upon the scene.] Serves you right, Cartman! You're a sellout!
Cartman: I'm not a sellout! What's a sellout?
Stan: If you work in the entertainment business and you make money, you're a sellout!
Chef: [Stopping by.] It's all gone to hell, children. And we're all to blame. Even me!
Scene Description: His booth is shown.
Chef: I was sellin' out my town, too! And now look at it.
Scene Description: The town looks just like Sundance at the beginning of the episode.
Stan: So what do we do now?
Chef: There's nothin' we can do. Just sit here and suck on my balls.
Scene Description: Kyle arrives with Mr. Hankey in a shoebox.
Kyle: You guys, we have to hurry!
Stan: Why?
Kyle: Come on! Everything's gonna be okay!
Scene Description: They walk over to Robert Redford.
Kyle: Sir! Sir!
Robert Redford: Not now!
Kyle: I have to show you something.
Scene Description: Kyle presents the box containing Mr. Hankey to Robert Redford.
Kyle: I think it will change the way you feel about your impact here.
A director: What's this?
Scene Description: Others have started to gather around.
Kyle: I want you guys to all meet my friend.
Scene Description: Kyle removes the lid to the box and rattles the box a bit. When nothing happens, he turns the box over and Mr. Hankey drops out, dry as a bone. The boys gasp.
Robert Redford: That's great, kid. A dried-out lump of shit; very compelling. [To the crowd] Okay, folks, let's move! We've gotta have that sign down in time for the opening tonight!
Kyle: You can't die, Mr. Hankey. You can't.
Scene Description: Mr. Hankey starts coughing and is barely audible, only his right eye opens.
Mr. Hankey: Kyle. Be-fore I go there's something I must tell you. Come clo-ser.
Scene Description: Kyle draws closer.
Mr. Hankey: Clo-ser.
Scene Description: Kyle moves in further.
Kyle: Well-. Huwhat is it, Mr. Hankey?
Mr. Hankey: There is a-nother Sky-walk-er.
Scene Description: Mr. Hankey dies.
Kyle: Nooohohohohohoho-
Mr. Hankey: Wake up.
Kyle: What is it, Mr. Hankey?
Mr. Hankey: Come clo-ser.
Scene Description: Kyle moves in closer.
Kyle: What is it?
Mr. Hankey: Clo-ser.
Scene Description: Kyle moves even further in.
Kyle: Yes?
Mr. Hankey: Closer!
Scene Description: Kyle is very close.
Mr. Hankey: One time, when you were sleeping, I put myself in your mouth and had my friend take a picture.
Scene Description: He dies.
Kyle: Nooo!
Scene Description: Flashbacks of Mr. Hankey flood Kyle's mind, including one of the monkey who played Mr. Hankey in the movie.
Voice over: [Singing slowly, mournfully.] Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo. He loved me, I loved you. Therefore vicariously he loved you-
Kyle: Nooo!
HazMat official: I'm sorry, son. Let's get him to ICU.
Scene Description: The HazMat official scoops Mr. Hankey's corpse into a small white body bag.
Kyle: [Weeping.] Noo! No!
Stan: [Concerned.] Are you gonna be okay, dude? I'm here for you.
Wendy: [Arriving.] Hi, Stan. Ready to go see another movie? [Damn.]
Stan: Okay!
Scene Description: Stan releases Kyle, who falls to the ground.
Kyle: Uuf.
Scene Description: Over at the Bijou, now showing: "BOW DOWN TO HOLLYWOOD, SOUTH PARK" A Film by TOM M. POONER. But inside, it's "A Bunch Of Gay Cowboys Eating Pudding", in color. Stan reaches for Wendy's hand. She notices, then looks at him. He pulls his hand back and looks at the screen.
Cowboy: Say, Tom. Do you have any pudding left?
Tom: I ate all mine up, silly.
Cowboy: Well then, now what do we do?
Scene Description: Stan tries again, and again pulls back. This time, Wendy takes his left hand in her right one and smiles at him. He smiles back at her. A few blinks from her eyes and a gentle squeeze from her hand and he vomits - at a man sitting in front of her.
Man: AAWWWW!
Wendy: Eeewww!
Man: [Facing Stan.] Hey!
Stan: Sorry.
Cowboy: Well, why don't we just explore our sexuality?
Tom: Ooh, good idea. Let's.
Scene Description: They hug, and the cowboy drops to work on Tom's pants.
Stan: Aw, dude, I shouldn't be seeing this!
Scene Description: Wendy is alarmed, Stan jumps up and.
Stan: Blaach!
Scene Description: He vomits on the man in front of him again.
Man: Aaww! [Turns around to face Stan.] Is there a problem, young man?
Stan: No problem, dude.
Scene Description: Hell's Pass Hospital. Chef and Kyle are at the ICU. The window above Mr. Hankey's bed is sealed so no sunlight gets in. The whole room is sealed in. Mr. Hankey has several wires streaming into him.
Kyle: I'll never forget you. You were my best friend after Stan.
Chef: Come on, Kyle. It's time to go.
Kyle: Chef, does poo go to heaven?
Chef: [Chef ponders a moment.] Well, uh-I kinda hope not.
Scene Description: Kyle starts weeping.
Chef: I mean, sure it does.
Scene Description: Kyle quiets down.
Chef: Here. I'll give him one of my Salty Balls to take with him to poo heaven.
Scene Description: Chef removes the face tubes and drops a ball into Mr. Hankey's mouth, then puts the tubes back.
Chef: Come on, let's go.
Scene Description: They start to walk away.
Mr. Hankey: [Weakly.] Kyle.
Kyle: [Rushes back.] Mr. Hankey?
Mr. Hankey: Howdy-ho.
Kyle: He's back! He's back! [Chef returns.]
Mr. Hankey: That was delicious.
Chef: My Salty Chocolate Balls must have re-juvenated him!
Kyle: You've got the best balls in the whole world, Chef.
Chef: You're daaamn right.
Scene Description: Hollywood Planet is finished and awaiting its unveiling. But first, over at Cartman's booth,
Cartman: Step on up, get them here! Mr. Hankey & Me T-shirts! Get them while they last, folks. for only $14.95!
Woman: I'll take two.
Man: I'd like to pay for one.
Cartman: Selling T-shirts kicks ass!
Scene Description: Robert Redford is at the podium.
Robert Redford: Ladies and gentlemen, I'm pleased to announce on this Gala Opening of Hollywood Planet South Park, that the festival will be back next year!
Scene Description: Mr. Mackey, Mr. Garrison, and Jimbo are dismayed, along with the rest of the town.
Robert Redford: And the year after that, and the year after that, and so on! And now, release the curtain!
Scene Description: The curtain drops to reveal Hollywood Planet in all its glory. Kliegl lights move their beams around and palm tress line the restaurant front.
Robert Redford: I give you, "Hollywood in South Park!"
Scene Description: He laughs sinisterly. The crowd gasps at the size of the thing.
Kyle: Wait!
Scene Description: The crowd turns to see who it is.
Kyle: I brought him! I brought him to show you!
Scene Description: Cartman is with Stan and Kyle.
Robert Redford: [Put off.] Oh, not this again!
Kyle: Behold! Mr. Hankey!
Scene Description: Mr. Hankey jumps out of the box.
Mr. Hankey: Hoooooowwwdy-ho!
Scene Description: The crowd looks at him blankly, then turns back to face the commissioner. Hollywood folks are hard to impress.
Robert Redford: Anyway, this new Hollywood Planet will be the official meeting place for all-
Mr. Hankey: Howdy-ho, folks. I'm afraid my buddy Kyle was right. There's not enough room in South Park to accommodate a festival.
Short Man: Mr. Poo, if you wouldn't mind, we can't hear our chairman. If you could just turn yourself down. You're at about 7 right now, we need you at about, 3, okay?
Scene Description: Mr. Hankey's hands drop and he hops over to the podium. Robert steps aside.
Mr. Hankey: Uh, folks, please. Little towns like this simply aren't made for friggin' films. We love havin' visitors, but golly, too many of you is hurtin' our ecosystem. Be-sides, folks, film festivals shouldn't be about what celebrities are comin' or what film is gonna get sold. It should be about people gettin' together, and watchin' movies, and about people who could never get their movies seen havin' a chance to have it watched, if only once. A good film festival should be something where we all say, "Gaw, let's forget about lawyers and managers and studios and celebrities. Let's forget all those things for just a while, and just watch some new art."
Scene Description: The crowd ponders the speech. Kyle smiles, and so does Mr. Hankey.
Robert Redford: [Grabs Mr. Hankey and pulls back.] I have had enough of you! [He tosses him away.]
Mr. Hankey: [Flying through the air.] Nyyaarrrr!
Kyle: No!
Scene Description: Mr. Hankey hits a wall and slides down.
Robert Redford: Now, as I was saying, this shall usher in a whole new decade of film festivals.
Scene Description: Cartman, Stan, Kyle, and Chef gather 'round Mr. Hankey.
Kyle: [Crying.] O-hoho he's dead. Mr. Hankey's dead.
Chef: Well, it worked once before.
Scene Description: Chef drops six balls into Mr. Hankey's mouth.
Mr. Hankey: [Recovering.] Hi, Chef. Your big chocolate balls are just the trick!
Scene Description: He rubs his belly and hops off. As he does, syncopated music plays, and he switches to a sorcerer's cap. He's pissed.
Stan: What the hell is he doing?
Kyle: I don't know.
Scene Description: Mr. Hankey hops up to Hollywood Planet and jumps onto the top of the globe. He is now fully dressed as a sorcerer's apprentice. He starts to do his magic, waving his hands as clouds gather and poo jumps out of manholes and grills throughout the town.
Cartman: Whoa!
Scene Description: Robert Redford is awed. Mr. Hankey continues wielding his power, and three poo men rise up out of the poo that now covers the street. They start to dance.
An Agent: Oh my God!
Scene Description: Mr. Hankey continues. Poo pours forth from the Porta Potties nearby and builds into a giant wave.
Crowd Members: [Fleeing.] Aaaaahh!
Scene Description: The poo squelches them and sweeps them away. People clear out of the Hollywood Planet area. Robert Redford and Phyllis get out as well. Mr. Hankey is brewing something up and releases it.
Man: Oh, my God, it's crap!
Man 2: Ohh! Noo!
Scene Description: The poo traps a car and pushes it into the air as the poo turns into a twister.
Man 3: Whoa, it smells, it smells!
Scene Description: Robert Redford and Phyllis reach their car.
Phyllis: [Now inside.] Come on, let's go! It's coming!
Robert Redford: [With key in the ignition.] I'm trying, damn it!
Scene Description: Mr. Hankey directs the twister back and forth as it picks up stuff and people. He then has it engulf Hollywood Planet. The poo seeps into Robert Redford's car and fills it up.
Robert Redford: Aww. Aww. Glup.
Scene Description: The poo drowns them and pours out the car windows.
Man: Let's get out of this town!
Scene Description: Whatever people are left get into their cars and drive out quickly. Mr. Hankey lets up and relaxes, and the clouds clear away. The town is covered in poo. So are the townspeople.
Mr. Hankey: [Gazing at the scene.] Gosh. I guess I don't know my own strength.
Scene Description: He takes his cap off and lifts it high in a flourish, smiling.
Kyle: You did it, Mr. Hankey. You got rid of all the film people!
Townsfolk: Hooray!
Mayor McDaniels: Ooh, yeaah. Now all we have is a town covered in shit! This is much better!
Mr. Hankey: I couldn't have done it without you, Kyle.
Scene Description: He jumps down to Kyle.
Mr. Hankey: Kisses.
Scene Description: He kisses Kyle, and Kyle hugs him. Chef hugs both Stan and Kyle.
Wendy: [Stopping by.] Stan, I'm sorry I dragged you to all those independent films.
Stan: Oh, that's okay Wendy. I forgive you.
Wendy: Sometimes I forget that even though a few independent films are great, most of them suck ass.
Cartman: Yes. And I've learned something, too.
Scene Description: The others turn, Stan and Wendy hold hands.
Cartman: Being a sellout is sweet. Because you make a lot of money. And when you have money, you don't have to hang out with any poor-ass losers- like you guys. Screw you guys, I'ma goin' home.
Scene Description: End of Chef's Chocolate Salty Balls. The song of the same name plays.


Scene Description: Hell's Pass Hospital. Sharon and Dr. Doctor stand before Shelly's bed.
Dr. Doctor: It's a good thing we got her to the hospital in time.
Sharon: But what's wrong with her?
Dr. Doctor: It's chickenpox. There seems to be a small epidemic going around. Your daughter never had the chickenpox as a little child, I take it?
Sharon: No, no, she's been perfectly healthy.
Dr. Doctor: Well, that's the problem. You see, chickenpox is a pretty normal thing for young children, but as you get older it becomes a more and more ferocious disease.
Scene Description: The door opens and Stan enters.
Sharon: [Sweetly.] Shelly, look who's come to visit you; your little brother, Stan.
Shelly: [In disgust.] Oh, whoo-peee!
Dr. Doctor: You know, most people don't realize that chickenpox is actually a form of herpes.
Stan: Dude, you've got herpes on your face!
Shelly: Shut up, brat!
Sharon: [With some urgency.] Will my daughter be okay?
Dr. Doctor: She'll be fine.
Shelly: [Stan scratches her cheek.] Stop it!
Dr. Doctor: We just want to be cautious and monitor her here.
Scene Description: A crash is heard, and Sharon and Dr. Doctor look on in surprise.
Stan: Ow!
Scene Description: Shelly has knocked Stan to the floor.
Sharon: Come on, Stanley. Give your sister a kiss and then we have to go.
Scene Description: The Broflovski house. Sharon, Sheila, and Liane are seated at the dining room table. Ike is playing in his high chair.
Sharon: ...and then the doctor said that it's much worse as you get older. My daughter is in pretty bad shape now, but if she were in her twenties, she could die.
Sheila: My God, I never knew chickenpox was such a dangerous illness.
Liane: I guess it's much better to get it when you're young.
Sharon: So tell me if I'm crazy, but I started thinking that we should intentionally have our boys play with a child who has the chickenpox. Let them get it now, while they're young.
Sheila: That's not crazy at all, Sharon. Mothers do it all the time.
Liane: Oh, yes. When I was a child, my mother had me go over to a little girl's house who had the chickenpox, just so I would get it.
Sharon: So it's not such a crazy idea after all?
Sheila: Noo, no. And I'm pretty sure that strange little boy Kenny has the chickenpox right now.
Scene Description: Kyle, Stan, and Cartman walk up to the table.
Kyle: Are you guys having a meeting or something?
Sheila: How would you boys like to have a little slumber party at your friend Kenny's house tonight?
Cartman: No way, dude. Kenny's family's poor; they live in the ghetto.
Kyle: Yeah. Let's just have a slumber party here.
Sharon: Boys, you're going to sleep over at Kenny's, and that's final.
Cartman: Oh weak!
Scene Description: The boys have gone home to gather their things. Now they meet up and walk to Kenny's house.
Kyle: I wonder why our moms want us to sleep over at Kenny's so bad.
Stan: Yeah, it's pretty weird.
Scene Description: The boys cross some railroad tracks.
Kyle: Well, all I can say is, he's better have Nintendo.
Scene Description: They come upon a house with an orange cat and a small gray dog milling around. Strewn about the yard are a motor, a sofa, a refrigerator, a pack of beer bottles...
Kyle: Well, here's Kenny's house.
Cartman: In the ghetto On a cold and gray Chicago morn Another little baby child is born In the ghetto... In the ghetto
Scene Description: Stan knocks on the door and Stuart McCormick answers, beer in hand.
Stuart: Yeah?
Stan: We're here to have a slumber party with Kenny.
Stuart: What? Don't you know Kenny's sick with-?
Carol: [Intruding.] That's the whole point, remember? Their moms want them to catch it while they're young.
Stuart: Oh yeah.
Stan: Catch what?
Carol: Nothin'. Uhco-uh, come on in, I was jus' makin' dinner.
Scene Description: The boys follow the parents in. Shag carpeting, another sofa, an engine block doubling as a coffee table, a beer sign...
Cartman: And his momma cried 'Cause if there's one thing that she don't need Is another little hungry mouth to feed In the ghetto In the ghetto
Scene Description: Stuart sits in his armchair.
Stan: Sshh! Cartman!
Cartman: What?
Carol: [Setting the table.] Kenny, your little friends are here! Come play with them!
Kenny: (No, Mom, I'm seriously sick!)
Carol: I know you're sick! Now get your buns out here!
Kyle: Heheheh, buns.
Kenny: [Walks up to the other boys.] (Hey you guys, what's goin' on?)
Stan: Whoa, dude! You've got herpes on your face, too!
Cartman: [Scanning the room.] Where is the Nintendo?
Stuart: We don't have a Nintendo. We got a ColecoVision hooked up to the black-and-white TV.
Scene Description: Rats scurry near the TV.
Kyle: Oh my God. This is like a third-world country.
Carol: [Now finished setting table.] Throw your sleeping bags in Kenny's room and then come grab some dinner.
Cartman: Oh, good. I'm starving.
Scene Description: The boys are seated, as are Kenny's parents. Kenny's older brother comes to table. All there is to eat is a plate of 5 or 6 frozen waffles and a toaster to toast them in. The boys can only wonder.
Carol: Let's say grace.
Scene Description: The boys put their hands together.
Stuart: Lord, we thank you for this staggering payload of frozen waffles you have bestowed upon us. And since we have been faithful to you, we know that you will send us some good fortune one of these days, even though you sure as hell seem to be taking your sweet time. Amen.
All: Amen.
Cartman: Pfff..!
Carol: Okay, let's dig in.
Scene Description: She drops a waffle into the toaster.
Kevin: That one's mine, that one's mine!
Cartman: [Coolly.] What kind of side dishes will we be enjoying this evening with our frozen waffles?
Scene Description: Everyone stops and waits.
Cartman: Am I to understand there will be no side dishes?
Stuart: So, Kyle, your dad's still bringing home those big, fat lawyer paychecks?
Kyle: I don't know.
Carol: Stuart, don't even get started!
Scene Description: She points at him.
Stuart: [To his wife.] What? I'm just askin' a question. [To Kyle.] You know, your dad and I used to be best friends when we were teenagers. We would work together at Pizza Shack. But he got promoted and went off to community college and I didn't. And you know why? 'Cause your dad's Jewish!
Cartman: Puh! I heard that.
Carol: That ain't why, Stuart! [Sadness creeps into her voice.] It's because you are an alcoholic retard and he had dreams of not eating frozen waffles for dinner every night!
Stuart: Hey, is it my fault you don't know how to cook?!
Carol: What am I supposed to do with frozen waffles, clamhead?! You put 'em in the toaster and you cook 'em!
Stuart: You just don't know how to use spices and stuff.
Kevin: [Gleefully.] My waffle's d-hun, my waffle's d-hu-hun!
Carol: Now Kevin, we ain't got enough for everybody. You have to split that with your brother.
Cartman: Oh, Jesus, are you fucking kidding me?
Stuart: Hey! We don't say "fuck" at the table, you little asshole!
Cartman: [Hushed.] Heh, we apparently don't say 'side dishes' at the table, either.
Kenny: (Aa-choo!)
Carol: Kenny, honey, if you're going to sneeze, sneeze on them.
Stan: Huh?
Kenny: [Turning towards Cartman.] (Waa-choo!)
Cartman: [Recoiling.] Ey!
Scene Description: Cartman closes both his eyes, but then opens the right one. Later, in Kenny's room. Kenny has two posters of bikini-clad women and one of a 4X4 monster truck. His curtains are tatters and his dresser drawer is a battered suitcase. His bed has no frame to rest on.
Cartman: Man, your family sucks ass, Kenny. Whoever heard of frozen waffles for dinner?
Kyle: Come on! Let's just get in our sleeping bags and get this night over with.
Scene Description: The boys go to their respective sleeping bags while Kenny goes to his bed. The boys roll down their bags and Stan and Kyle have Terrance and Phillip sleeping bags, Cartman however...
Kyle: Cartman, what the hell is that?
Cartman: It's my Urkel sleeping bag. Isn't it coool?
Kyle: No, it's not cool!
Stan: Dude, I think I just saw a rat!
Cartman: Argh! You have rats in your house, too, Kenny?!
Kenny: (Uh-huh.)
Cartman: Dude, seriously, you'd better stop being so poor, or else I'm gonna start huckin' rocks atcha.
Stan: I don't think it's very healthy to sleep with rats.
Kenny: (Well, there's gonna be a bunch of rats until they put the freakin' ceiling in.)
Stan: Oh.
Scene Description: The boys settle into their sleeping blankets, and Kenny claps twice, making the lights go out.
Kenny: (Aa-choo!)
Scene Description: The next day. The boys have gone back home. First up: Stan's house. Stan has a thermometer in his mouth and his skin is starting to break out.
Sharon: Okay, lemme see.
Scene Description: She withdraws the thermometer, and reads it.
Sharon: Oh, goody! You've got a fever!
Stan: [Mad.] Goody? What do you mean, "goody"?!
Sharon: Yyup, it looks like you've got chickenpox alright.
Stan: Chickenpo-? Oh no, I must have caught it from Kenny last night.
Sharon: Oh, gee, I guess you did.
Stan: Well, you sure seem happy about it!
Sharon: All right, it's off to bed with you, young man.
Scene Description: Cartman's house. Cartman is on the sofa scratching at his skin.
Liane: Don't scratch it, hon.
Cartman: [Whining.] But mom, seriously, it itches. I can't stand it!
Liane: No, hon.
Cartman: [Whining.] Mom, seriously, it itches. It itches!
Liane: Here, I got you some calamine lotion.
Scene Description: She hands the bottle to him.
Cartman: I don't wanna.
Liane: It'll make your itches go away.
Scene Description: She opens the bottle and rubs some lotion on his face.
Cartman: Ugh. Uunnh.
Scene Description: She stops.
Cartman: Ey, give me that!
Scene Description: He takes the bottle and rubs some more lotion on his face.
Cartman: Ahhhh...
Liane: Not too much, hon. It says on the bottle that too much can be bad.
Cartman: More calamine lotion!
Scene Description: Kyle's house. His parents look him over.
Sheila: I don't understand it. He's perfectly healthy.
Kyle: Yeah. I feel great!
Sheila: Are you sure you stayed over at Kenny's house?
Kyle: Yeah, dude. I told you, we had bread sandwiches for breakfast.
Sheila: Did you sleep in the same room?
Kyle: Yes. Why?
Sheila: Bubbe, how would you like to spend the night at your friend Kenny's house again?
Kyle: No way, dude! It sucked ass! They don't even have cable!
Sheila: Well I think you need to spend more time with your friends.
Kyle: Kenny's not really my friend, Ma. I don't give a rat's ass about him.
Sheila: I'm gonna give Mrs. McCormick a call.
Kyle: Aawwww! Hey Dad. Is it true that you and Kenny's dad used to be best friends when you were young?
Gerald: Who? Stuart? Yeah, yeah, I guess we were.
Kyle: Well how come Kenny's family eats frozen waffles for dinner and has rats on the floor, and we have a big house and lots of food?
Gerald: Well, because Kenny's family doesn't have as much money as we do.
Kyle: But why? If they're hungry and poor, why don't we just always give them half of our food?
Gerald: Ha ha ha ha ha! Ooh-ho boy, have you got a lot to learn! Sit down, son.
Scene Description: Gerald sits and motions for Kyle to sit on his lap.
Gerald: You see, Kyle, we humans work as a society, and in order for a society to thrive, we need gods, and clods.
Kyle: Gods and clods?
Gerald: Yes. You see, I spent a lot of time going to law school, and I was able to go because I have a slightly higher intellect than others. But I still need people to pump my gas, and make my French fries, and fix my laundry machine when it breaks down.
Kyle: Oooohh, I see. Gods and clods!
Gerald: That's right. So Kenny's family is happy just the way they are, and we're all a functioning part of America.
Scene Description: Stan's house, night time. Stan is in bed, motionless.
Sharon: [Enters.] Stanley, can I get you anything else?
Scene Description: She draws closer and feels his forehead.
Sharon: Stanley? Oh my God! Randy?! Randy, hurry, he's burning up!
Scene Description: Next day, Hell's Pass Hospital. Stan now lies next to Shelly. Their parents are also present.
Sharon: Don't you worry, Stanley, you're going to be okay.
Dr. Doctor: [Entering.] Can I talk to you outside?
Sharon: Kids, Daddy and I are gonna be right back, okay?
Stan: Okay.
Shelly: [Now that they're alone.] Serves you right, you little brat!
Stan: Well at least I'm not gonna die from it like you might! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
Shelly: If I die from this, I'm taking you with me!
TV Voice: ["Passion Cramps"] Will Carol find out she's a fa...
Stan: I don't wanna watch this! I wanna watch Terrance and Phillip!
Shelly: [Threatening] We're watching this!
Stan: Well I've got the remote, bitch! Hahaha. [Click.]
Phillip: Say, Terrance? Will you check my ass for abnormalities?
Scene Description: Phillip raises his leg high.
Terrance: Sure thing, Phillip.
Scene Description: Terrance sticks his head in there, and Phillip farts on him.
Terrance: Ah ha ha ha, you got me again!
Scene Description: Stan laughs.
Phillip: That's tomfoolery.
Scene Description: Stan laughs, as do Terrance and Phillip.
Shelly: Give me the remote!
Stan: No way, dude! We're gonna watch Terrance and Phillip all day-
Scene Description: She reaches over to his bed, presses a switch, and his bed folds in on him.
Stan: Ey! Get me out of here!
Scene Description: Shelly takes the remote and switches channels.
TV Voice: ["Passion Cramps"] She was...
Scene Description: Meanwhile, outside the room.
Dr. Doctor: He'll be okay, but it's a good idea for us to monitor him for a while.
Sharon: [Anxious.] Oh God, what have we done?
Dr. Doctor: There there now, it's not your fault.
Randy: Doctor, we-uuuh purposefully sent our son to stay with a friend who had chickenpox so that he would get it early.
Dr. Doctor: Oh, wow, you did? Wow. You guys suck.
Scene Description: Kenny's house. Kyle and his mom are visiting. She's talking with Mrs. McCormick in the dining room. Kenny and Kyle enter.
Kyle: Could we go home now, Ma?
Sheila: No, bubbeleh. You play with Kenny some more.
Kyle: But we've been playing for eight hours. We can't think of anything else to do.
Sheila: I've got a great game for you. It's called "ookie mouth".
Kyle: What's "ookie mouth"?
Sheila: First, you let Kenny spit in your mouth. Then you try to swallow his spit and say "ookie mouth" at the same time.
Kyle: Sick, dude!
Sheila: No, no, bubbe, it's loads of fun. Try it.
Scene Description: Kenny and Kyle look at each other and walk away.
Sheila: That ought to take care of it.
Carol: You want some more hot water?
Sheila: Oh, no thank you. It's terrific though, it's- You don't have any tea bags or coffee grounds to go in the hot water, do you?
Carol: Naw, we don't go for that hoity-toity rich folk stuff.
Sheila: I see. Well, you certainly have aab- humble home, Mrs. McCormick.
Carol: Yehah, well, unfortunately my husband is a washed-up hunk of shit!
Sheila: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
Kyle: Ookie mouth! [Kenny spits in.] Gross! I can't do it, Ma!
Sheila: Try again, bubbe!
Scene Description: Kenny spits in Kyle's mouth again.
Kyle: Argh!
Sheila: You know, your husband and mine used to work together as teenagers.
Carol: Oh they wuz best friends; you couldn't separate 'em.
Sheila: Really? I met Gerald in college, so I didn't know. What happened to them?
Carol: Oh they jus' grew apart, I guess. I think Stuart's a little jealous that your husband got out of makin' pizzas and went on to make somethin' of hisself.
Sheila: Well that's too bad. I'm sure your husband's a fine man.
Carol: Oh, hell no! He's a nugget o' deer turd.
Sheila: But if they were such good friends it seems silly that they don't even talk anymore. Let's get them together!
Carol: Uh-I don't know.
Sheila: We'll just arrange a little fishing trip for them or something.
Scene Description: Kyle returns with Kenny.
Kyle: I can't say "ookie mouth" and have Kenny spit down my throat at the same time. It's impossible.
Scene Description: Kyle's face and hat are covered in spit.
Sheila: Practice makes perfect, bubbe.
Scene Description: Cartman's house. Cartman's on the sofa watching TV, scratching his face.
Cartman: Dammit, where's that calamine lotion?!
Terrance: [With clipboard.] Phillip, I've got good news, and bad news.
Phillip: Give it to me straight, Terrance.
Terrance: The good news is, you have a clean bill of health.
Phillip: Oh, what a relief!
Terrance: The bad news is, you have cancer.
Scene Description: Cartman is shocked.
Phillip: Cancer?
Terrance: Yes. I'm afraid your ass is collapsing.
Phillip: My ass is collapsing?
Terrance: Yes. See this X-ray? [Turns it on.] That's your ass. See this line? [Points to it.] That's your ass collapsing. Your ass is collapsing.
Phillip: Will this mean that I won't be able to fart anymore?
Terrance: No, it means that you won't be able to live anymore.
Scene Description: They both laugh.
Cartman: [Somber.] Oh, no. [The itching returns.] Damnit!
Scene Description: Mr. Kitty strolls by.
Cartman: No, Kitty! That's a- Wait a minute. Come 'ere, Kitty!
Scene Description: Kitty jumps up and Cartman uses him as a scrubber.
Cartman: Uh. Yes. Uh...
Liane: [Closing a door.] I'm back, hon. I got some more calamine lotion.
Cartman: [Releases Mr. Kitty.] It's about friggin' time! Give me that!
Scene Description: He grabs the bag and hurries up the stairs.
Liane: Just use a little bit of that stuff, hon. It has to last a while.
Scene Description: Cartman reaches the bathroom and closes the door. Then he opens the bag and pulls out six bottles of the lotion and pours them into the tub. Then he undresses and jumps into the tub.
Cartman: Uugh! Yeessss. [His voice trails off.] Ooohhh yyou guys, seriiously, it calms yer ass. Ahhhh...
Scene Description: He sinks into the water blissfully as bubbles pop around him. Meanwhile, Gerald and Stuart are driving to the river for a fishing trip.
Stuart: I didn't know you like to fish, Gerry.
Gerald: Oh, yeah, love it! I haven't done it for a while, though. I had to go out and buy a few things, you know a-. A rod and a reel and an uh, uuh...
Stuart: Tackle box?
Gerald: Yeah, tackle box. [Stretches.] Man, smell that mountain air. What a great Saturday morning; aren't weekends just the best?
Stuart: When you're uh-unemployed, weekends are meaningless.
Gerald: Right. Right-right.
Scene Description: Monday afternoon, South Park Elementary. The dismissal bell rings.
Mr. Garrison: And so, children, that's how you tell a prostitute from a policeman. Now, are there any questions?
Scene Description: Kyle raises his hand.
Mr. Garrison: Yes, Kyle?
Kyle: What the hell does that have to do with American history?
Mr. Garrison: Uh, that's a good question, Kyle. Are there any other questions?
Kyle: Mr. Garrison, I'm the only one here. Everyone else has chicken herpes.
Mr. Garrison: Right, right. Uhh... Well, class, I'm going to assign you all a paper. The theme of the paper will be, "How I would make America better."
Kyle: What?! Does everybody have to do it, or just me?
Mr. Garrison: Uh, don't worry, Kyle. I'm sending homework to all the children who are out sick. They'll have to turn in a paper, too.
Scene Description: Hell's Pass Hospital.
Stan: Homework?! But I'm in the hospital!
Sharon: Well, your teacher sent this stuff over for you to do while you're sick.
Stan: That son of a bitch! What kind of sick weirdo is he?
Sharon: Now, Stanley, I know at your age teachers can seem cold and heartless, but later, you'll understand that he did this for your own good.
Stan: Not Mr. Garrison, Ma. He really is a sick weirdo.
Randy: Yeah, it's-it's true, he is.
Sharon: Oh. Well, anyway, here's a pencil and some paper.
Stan: Wait! Where are you going?
Randy: We're going down to-uhh Happy Burger for some milkshakes.
Stan: Milkshakes?!
Sharon: Yeah, and then we're going to the movies.
Randy: See ya, son. [They leave.]
Stan: Weak!
Scene Description: Kyle's house. Kyle is on the sofa working on his paper.
Kyle: "So this is how America works. We have gods and clods. My dad says America needs both rich and poor to survive, but I have a better idea."
Scene Description: Kyle puts down the pen and paper and walks over to the kitchen.
Sheila: No I don't understand it, Dr. Schwartz, he's perfectly healthy.
Scene Description: Sheila is on the phone, Kyle is over by the microwave.
Sheila: He's been over at Kenny's house three days in a row and still hasn't caught the chickenpox.
Kyle: [Softly.] What?
Sheila: I don't know what else to do. We sent the other boys over and they all got sick, but I can't get my little Kyle to catch it.
Kyle: [Frightened.] Oh my God!
Sheila: [Turns.] Kyle, what are you doing there, honey?
Kyle: [Angry.] You!
Sheila: [Subdued.] I'll call you back, Dr. Schwartz.
Scene Description: She hangs up.
Kyle: You!
Sheila: [Walks over.] What, bubbeleh, what is it?
Kyle: You sent us over to Kenny's house on purpose! You wanted us to get sick!
Sheila: Oy. It was for your own good, Kyle. I wanted you to get chickenpox while you were young.
Kyle: Why?! So I could be sitting in the hospital waiting to die, like Stan?!
Sheila: Now, Kyle, come here.
Kyle: You get away from me, you crazy woman!
Scene Description: He runs off.
Sheila: Hoh boy.
Scene Description: Down by the riverside. Stuart and Gerald are fishing.
Stuart: Beer?
Gerald: Huh? Oh, uh, no thanks, I brought my own. Microbrew sampler from Aspen. Has six different beers from local breweries.
Scene Description: Stuart is expressionless.
Gerald: Sahay, remember that time we built the fort in your mom's back yard?
Stuart: Hu hu hu hu heh yeah. It took us damn near two years to finish it.
Gerald: Hahah. Whatever happened to that old hunk o' junk? Haha-
Stuart: [Soberly.] That's where I live now.
Gerald: Oh, right.
Scene Description: Hell's Pass Hospital. Stan is working on his paper.
Stan: And so that's why Knight Rider was the best show in America.
Kyle: [Rushing in.] Stan! Stan!
Stan: [Pointing to Shelly.] Sshh. Wake her up and we're both dead.
Kyle: [Softly.] Sorry, sorry. You know how after we spent the night at Kenny's house and-and you and Cartman got sick with chickenpox?
Stan: Yeah.
Kyle: Dude! Our parents sent us over there to get us sick!
Stan: What are you talking about?
Kyle: They knew that staying at Kenny's house would get us sick, and they made us do it anyway.
Stan: They did?
Kyle: Yeah. And I think I figured out why.
Stan: Why?
Kyle: Because they're a bunch of assholes.
Stan: [Long gasp.] Of course!
Kyle: Come on, dude. We've gotta get out of here. I don't know what they're planning next, but it can't be good!
Scene Description: They rush out of the room, meanwhile, back at Cartman's house. Cartman is back in the tub, now working on his paper. Calamine lotion bottles line the tub and litter the floor outside.
Cartman: "I hope that one day America could be more like Endor, where the Ewoks live. Endor is very cool."
Scene Description: The doorbell rings.
Cartman: Mom, answer that! "They have trees and Ewoks, and barbecues, which is why I like Endor more than America. It's cool."
Scene Description: Kyle and Stan rush into the bathroom.
Kyle: Cartman, do you remember how we all spent the night at Kenny's a couple of days ago?
Cartman: I remember frozen waffles with no side dishes.
Stan: Cartman, our parents sent us over there to catch chickenpox from Kenny!
Kyle: Yeah, dude. Your mom wanted you to have herpes on your face.
Cartman: She what?!
Stan: It's some kind of parental conspiracy. Our parents are trying to kill us or something.
Cartman: That bitch! I'm gonna go downstairs and kick her square in the nuts!
Kyle: No-no-no-no. Come on, fatass, we're gonna get 'em all back.
Scene Description: Down by the riverside...
Gerald: Well, I'm sure you'll find another job soon. Something'll come along.
Stuart: Not that easy. You were lucky.
Gerald: Now, now-I, I wasn't lucky.
Stuart: You had rich parents. You got to go to that expensive community college.
Gerald: Hey! I worked my ass off to get to where I am today! [Rising.] I wanted to be somebody!
Stuart: [Rising.] I wanted to be somebody, too! I just wasn't born with a silver enema up my ass!
Gerald: You're just jealous. You're a bitter old drunk, just like your father!
Scene Description: Stuart punches him down.
Gerald: Ow!! [Gets up.]
Stuart: Now don't make me do that again!
Scene Description: Stuard hits him again.
Gerald: Ow! You son of a bitch!
Scene Description: Gerald chokes Stuart. They start tugging at each other.
Stuart: Uh!
Gerald: Ow!
Stuart: Oh!
Gerald: Ow!
Scene Description: Gerald ends up on the ground again.
Stuart: Eeaagghh!
Scene Description: Stuart jumps and does an elbow drop on Gerald.
Gerald: [In pain.] Huuuh!
Scene Description: Hell's Pass Hospital. Stan's parents are visiting.
Randy: Doctor?
Dr. Doctor: Yes?
Randy: Wh-where's Stan?
Dr. Doctor: Stan?
Randy: Stan, our son?
Dr. Doctor: Oh, yes. Where is Stan?
Sharon: You mean Stanley's missing?
Dr. Doctor: No, no. He's not missing. We just... can't seem to find him at this moment.
Sharon: [To Randy.] Oh my God! Our son ran away!
Randy: Will he be okay out of the hospital?
Dr. Doctor: Oh sure, sure. But we have to get him back soon. If he doesn't get his antibiotic shot today, he could die.
Sharon: Die?
Dr. Doctor: Yes, die. It won't be any easy death, either. The chickenpox will slowly move down his trachea into his lungs.
Randy: Okay, well well, let's go look-
Dr. Doctor: As he chokes for breath, the pox will move through his inner ear into his brain, making him think he's David Duchovny.
Sharon: Oh God, no!
Randy: I'm-I'm sure he couldn't have gone far.
Dr. Doctor: Now moving on all fours and wheezing uncontrollably, his cellular structure will regress into a gelatinous mass of-
Scene Description: Kyle's house. Sheila looks after Ike, who plays with a toy truck. Gerald enters. His entire outfit is torn, he has a black eye and his fishing line is all mangled.
Sheila: So how was it? Did you boys have a good time fishing?
Gerald: That son of a bitch ripped my parka!
Sheila: Catch anything?
Gerald: I just don't get it.
Scene Description: He drops the pole.
Gerald: Why would he invite me fishing and then turn into a complete bastard?
Sheila: Well, darling, I have to tell you something. He didn't invite you. I set the whole thing up.
Gerald: What? Now why the hell would you knowingly deceive me like that?
Sheila: I thought it would be good for you.
Gerald: Just like you deceived our son into going to Kenny's; and that didn't work either!
Sheila: [Exasperated, she leaves.] I'm doing the best I can!
Scene Description: Gerald picks up Kyle's paper on the sofa and looks over it.
Scene Description: "My Final Solution by Kyle Broflovski." "My dad is the smartest guy in the whole wide world. He has taught me that all poor people are actually things called clods. I wanna live in a world of only gods, so my idea to make America better is put all the poor people into camps."
Gerald: What?!
Scene Description: "If we get rid of them, there will be nothing but rich people. And there won't be any hunger, poverty, or homeless people. 'Cause they'll all be dead. The end."
Gerald: Oh, God, what have I done?
Scene Description: Chef's house. He's watching Terrance and Phillip. Terrance and Phillip are both on operating tables with only their heads and asses exposed.
Phillip: What's happening here, Terrance?
Terrance: We're doing an anal transplant. It's our only hope.
Phillip: Who's the donor?
Terrance: I am, Phillip. I am.
Phillip: Terrance, you're giving up your ass for me?
Terrance: Just half my ass. Can you believe it, Phillip? Best friends, and now we're going to share the same ass.
Scene Description: Someone is knocking on Chef's door.
Chef: Oh, damn it, not now!
Scene Description: Chef goes to answer the door. Stan, Kyle and Cartman wait.
Chef: Damn it! Children, what are you doing here? Terrance and Phillip are about to go into surgery!
Kyle: Chef, we wanna know about herpes.
Chef: What makes you think I would know anything about that?
Kyle: Well I don't know. You're just the only grownup we trust.
Stan: How does someone get herpes?
Chef: Well you get it by sharin' relations with somebody who already has it. You have to be very careful around someone who has herpes.
Kyle: Do you know anybody with herpes?
Chef: Well, there's old Frida down on Main Street. She has a mouthful of herpes. You need to stay away from her.
Stan: But what if we want to give somebody herpes?
Chef: Oh, then, Frida's the right person to go to.
Kyle: Cool! Thanks, Chef!
Chef: O-kay!
Scene Description: He closes the door and goes back to his armchair. The boys leave.
Chef: Wait a minute. What the hell did I just do?
Scene Description: Main Street. Randy and Sharon drive around looking for Stan.
Sharon: Stanley?
Randy: Stan?
Sharon: [Softly.] Oh, Stanley, where are you..?
Randy: Stan?
Sharon: Stanley!
Scene Description: The car makes a right two blocks down, and the kids appear a block closer. They walk up the block and see an old redhead smoking a cigarette.
Kyle: Are you old Frida?
Frida: [Raspily.] Who wants to know?
Kyle: Someone who wants a favor.
Frida: Ten dollars a lay, five dollars a b- [Snorts.]
Kyle: [To Stan, throws his hands up.] Huh?
Cartman: We want you to give our parents herpes.
Frida: [Puffs out.] Five dollars.
Stan: My dad has five dollars on top of his dresser. [Coughs.]
Kyle: Damn, you sound pretty sick. Maybe you should go back to the hospital.
Stan: And have Shelly kick my ass? No thanks. Plus, I have to get my parents back just as much as you do.
Scene Description: The Monkee's "I'm a Believer" plays. The boys hire Frida, and take her to each of their houses. First stop, Stan's house. She goes into the bathroom and uses Randy's and Sharon's toothbrushes. Stan and Kyle smile, then Stan gives a thumbs up in approval. In the kitchen, Frida chugs away at a jar of milk, then sends the milk right back into the jar. Next stop, Kyle's house. She goes into the master bedroom and uses Sheila's lipsticks. Then she goes to the kitchen and soils the silverware by putting each and every utensil under her armpits. Stan and Kyle jump for joy and high-five each other. Last stop, Cartman's house. She goes into Liane's room and pulls out some panties, then rubs them all over her face. Cartman jumps for joy. They all return to Stan's house, and she licks away at some wine glasses and the phone receiver. Stan and Kyle high-five each other again. Finally, they pay her and she leaves.
Stan: Thanks a lot, Frida!
Frida: [Hacks.] Don't mention it.
Scene Description: She hacks again, pockets the money, and walks away.
Kyle: D-hude, this is gonna be so killer. They're all gonna get herpes!
Boys: Hooray!
Scene Description: Stan coughs and the adults burst into the room. Fear strikes the boys.
Randy: Stanley, where the hell have you been?
Sharon: Damn it, Stanley, you had us worried sick! You have to get back to the hospital for a shot!
Stan: [Hiding behind Kyle.] I don't wanna go back there.
Randy: [Coming for him.] Come on, we're taking you back to the hospital.
Scene Description: Randy drags him off.
Stan: Don't you guys feel like brushing your teeth first?
Randy: What?
Stan: You know, freshen up your breath.
Kyle: Aw, man. [Tottering, eyes half shut.] I don't feel so good.
Sheila: [Pleased.] Oh good, maybe you finally caught the chicken-
Kyle: Ugh...
Scene Description: Kyle falls back, passing out.
Sheila: Kyle!!
Scene Description: Hell's Pass Hospital. All four boys are now in recovery.
Dr. Doctor: Well, I hope you boys learned your lesson. Going out and playing around with chickenpox almost killed you all.
Kyle: We're sorry.
Dr. Doctor: Well just be thankful we got you here in time. Your parents are here to see you, I'll send them in.
Kyle: This itches! Give me some of that calamine lotion, Cartman.
Cartman: Hell no, you guys get your own!
Scene Description: The parents enter, they all have herpes sores on their faces, well except Liane for some reason...
Sharon: Stanley, how are you feeling today, son?
Stan: Pretty good.
Sharon: [Cheerfully.] The doctor says that maybe you can go home tomorrow.
Randy: Yeah. Isn't that great, Stanley?
Stan: Wow, coo-hul!
Sheila: And how are you, Kyle?
Gerald: Are you doing okay?
Kyle: I'm better now.
Scene Description: He and Stan start laughing.
Sharon: What's so funny, you two?
Kyle: We gave you guys herpes.
Sheila: What-what-whaaat?! You did this?!
Stan: We got you back for getting us sick. We had a prostitute use your toothbrushes and stuff.
Randy: I can't believe you gave us herpes. You little rascals!
Sharon: [To Randy.] Well, I guess it serves us right. [To the boys.] Kids, we should have honest about wanting you to get chickenpox.
Sheila: It's true. We were wrong for deceiving you about it.
Scene Description: Liane walks over to Cartman.
Cartman: Hey, how come you don't have sores on your lips, Ma?
Liane: Ooh, I have them somewhere else, poopiekins.
Cartman: Hooray!
Gerald: And, uh Stuart, I think I owe you an apology. I realize that I shouldn't be so cold towards people that are less fortunate than me.
Stuart: Aww hell, I'm sorry, too.
Scene Description: Terrance and Phillip is on. The anal transplant surgery was a success.
Terrance: Oh, Phillip, I'm so glad everything turned out for the better.
Scene Description: He farts high and laughs.
Cartman: Well, I know one thing for sure.
Liane: What's that, Eric?
Cartman: We're all gonna need a lot more calamine lotion.
Scene Description: All the boys start laughing, then the parents join in. The doctor stands by Kenny and doesn't laugh. Kenny laughs, but drops dead. The meter flatlines and a long, steady note is heard. All stop laughing.
Stan: Oh my God, they've killed Kenny!
Kyle: You bastards!
Scene Description: Stan laughs, then Kyle, then everyone else, including Kenny's parents. End of Chickenpox. "I'm A Believer" plays.