Scene Description: South Park Elementary Gymnasium. The girl's volleyball team are warming up.
Jim: Hello everyone and welcome back. We are live at South Park Elementary School where the local girl's volleyball team is about to take on the Jefferson Sabers.
Mike: And, hey Jim, it is packed. Sellout crowds tonight, first time in team history. Everyone turning out to see what's going to happen.
Jim: [Camera switches to Nichole, who is stretching] That's right, Mike. All eyes are of course on fourth grader Nichole Daniels. Will she sit or stand for the National Anthem? [The crowd stare at her.]
Mike: This week with athletes all over the country sitting down for the National Anthem, [Two people are seen holding a banner reading 'WE SUPPORT YOU NICHOLE!'] the question on everyone's mind is "What is this little girl gonna do?"
Jimbo: She's not gonna sit down. Why would she?
Randy: Screw that. I've got 100 bucks riding on this. Come on, Nichole. Sit on it!
Sports Commentator: Now please rise for the National Anthem. [they stand up.]
Randy: This is it.
Mike: The National Anthem starts. Nichole Daniels seems to be waiting. So far no si... Oh! [The camera moves to Heidi Turner, who is sitting down.] And Heidi Turner is sitting down!
Crowd: Ooh!
Jim: Might be totally unexpected. All eyes were on Nichole when Heidi Turner comes out of nowhere and sits down.
Mike: [Interrupting] And there goes Meghan Ridley! The crowd is going wild. What a turn of events! Let's check in with Dave.
Dave: And Mike, I've just looked at the girl's Twitter accounts and it appears they are sitting out the National Anthem to protest the harassment and trolling they receive on the Internet.
Mike: Complete surprise, Dave. Nobody saw this coming. Three girls now sitting down and finally, there goes Nichole.
Randy: Wow, Yeah, 100 bucks!
Jim: And, as the anthem draws to a close, this thing is over.
Mike: The final result, four athletes sitting out of the National Anthem, three of them not even black. A shocker here in South Park, thanks for joining us. [People start leaving]
Stephen: Oh my god, that was great. [The crowds empty out, leaving only a few left.]
Referee: Ah, play ball. [Blows whistle. The girls start playing.]
Scene Description: PC Principal's office. He's addressing the girls
PC Principal: Alright, ladies. First of all I wanna say that I completely respect your decision to protest our national anthem. Thought it was sweet. I believe you shed some light on some very important issues regarding gender equality.
Heidi: What are you doing about Eric Cartman?!
PC Principal: Ladies, I understand you're upset about the trolling you've received on the Internet, but there is no evidence that Eric Cartman is Skankhunt42.
Wendy: It is him, it's completely obvious, and nobody is doing anything about it!
PC Principal: Well he claims that he's been working at changing himself and the world around him. [presses the intercom button] Send in Mr. Cartman.
Cartman: [opens the door and enters] You wanted to see me, PC Principal?
PC Principal: Mr. Cartman, I'm gonna ask you one more time, are you or are you not the Internet troll Skankhunt42?
Cartman: It's "Skankhunt42" and no I am not.
Heidi: He's lying. Make him show you his phone.
Cartman: Unfortunately, that'd be a breach of my civil rights, but I can assure you, nobody respected you girls' poignant protest more than I did.
Scene Description: The U.S. Senate, day.
Joe Biden: Fellow Senators, our nation is divided like never before. While people everywhere fight for their voices to be heard, perhaps it is time for us to consider that our national anthem needs to be changed. Americans need an anthem that inspires and excites, an anthem that has something for everyone while still paying tribute to what it once was. I believe there's only one person capable of achieving this. [clicks on a handheld button and the picture behind him changes] J.J. Abrams.
Senators: [murmuring among themselves] J.J. Abrams!
Joe Biden: He saved Star Wars, and now we will ask him to save our country.
Scene Description: Three helicopters take to the sky and fly out of sight
Scene Description: J.J. Abrams' mansion. The helicopters touch down by the front gates and the senators pour out
Lady Senator: [over a megaphone] Mr. Abrams? Mr. Abrams, we need to speak with you.
Male Senator: Look, there. [a light comes on at the left end of the second floor, and a shadow stops by the window]
Lady Senator: [over the megaphone] Mr. Abrams I speak on behalf of Americans everywhere. We've come to ask you to reboot the national anthem. Please Mr. Abrams. We know you've been asked to reboot a lot.
Senator 2: [whispering] We know you're tired.
Lady Senator: We know you're tired.
Senator 3: [takes the megaphone] What do you say, sir? We all want something new and that makes us remember the things we lost. We want to 'member! We need your 'member berries! [Abrams mulls it over]
Male Senator: One light means yes, two lights means no. [Abrams reaches to his left and one light comes on. The gathered crowd goes wild.]
Scene Description: South Park Elementary gym, day. Cartman holds a school assembly
Cartman: Fellow students, as you know, an Internet troll by the name of Skankhunt42 has been harassing women and girls by making degrading comments on our school message board. The girls are very upset, and many male students believe that it's just because girls don't have a sense of humor. I beg to disagree. Girls rule, women are funny, get over it. Just the other day, in the hallway, I heard two male students saying how the new Ghostbusters sucked balls. I was shocked and appalled. It is time for us all to realize and accept that girls are cool, and women are funny. Wendy? Wendy, could you come up here, please? Come on up, Wendy. Wendy Testaburger, guys. [some of the kids clap, Wendy stands up and walks over to Cartman] Wendy, go ahead. Be funny. [he holds the mic to her face, and she looks at him warily. He tried harder, she leans farther away] Say something funny, Wendy. We can't wait.
Wendy: I'm not funny.
Cartman: Hey, girls are funny, Wendy. Okay? Get over it. Just do women's comedy stuff. You know, talk about how fat you are and how you wanna have sex with guy and then say "my vagina" a lot..
Wendy: I don't feel like being funny right now.
Cartman: And that's just the kind of sexist bull-crap that's gonna keep you in the kitchen. Sit your ass down. [Wendy goes back to her spot on the gym floor] This isn't a joke, you guys. Girls are funny. Bebe, why don't you come up here? Come on, Bebe.
Bebe: NO!
Cartman: No? Come on, talk about havin' sex with guys, and say "vagina" and stuff like that. Go ahead. [looks her over quickly] Girls rule, women are funny. Bebe, get over yourself. Seriously.
Bebe: Get the mic out of my face!
Cartman: [moves away] Huh. Oh my God, that wasn't really all that funny. That's weird. Um, let's see. Red? You have any zingers for the crowd? No? How about you, Nelly?
Nelly: Yeah, I got one. You're a fat fuck! [Butters got a great laugh out of that one]
Cartman: K, that wasn't really funny, it was just angry.
Nelly: [stands up] You see, what the problem is, is that when a little troll is allowed to say anything he wants anonymously, then he speaks for all you boys!
Cartman: K, that's good, now just try to say it a little funnier now.
Nelly: Go ahead and get on our school message board and see what he's saying about us! Then see if you guys think it's funny!
Cartman: Okay, and then, and then, and then just go, "my vagina."
Scene Description: The Marsh living room. Randy is watching a news segment on CNN
News anchor 1: And as our country seems to be more and more divided, the only hope is that J.J. Abrams' new national anthem will appeal to everyone and bring back those nostalgic member berries we know and love.
Randy: Oh great. Everything's getting a reboot now. [There's a knock on the door and he answers it.]
Pollster: Hello sir. I'm with the Gallup poll. We're trying to get a read on how people will be voting in the upcoming Presidential election?
Randy: Oh. Oh-okay.
Pollster: Great. And will you be voting for the giant douche or the turd sandwich?
Randy: Well, this is usually a giant douche household but... we're going firmly with the turd sandwich.
Pollster: Oh, the turd sandwich, huh?
Randy: That's right. [Sharon appears behind him and sees him talking to the Pollster] You can put my wife and I both down for turd sandwich.
Pollster: Well, good luck with that, heh. So far, giant douche is leading in the polls.
Randy: [shocked] What?
Scene Description: Marsh Dining Room
Randy: What the hell is wrong with people?! They really think that a giant douche should be President?? It's insane!
Sharon: Why'd you say I'd be voting for the turd sandwich, Randy? You haven't even talked to me about it.
Randy: You can't possibly be thinking about voting for the douche?!
Stan: Hhhawgh!
Randy: What's wrong with you?
Stan: I just don't understand why every four years you people freak out over whether to vote for a giant douche or a turd sandwich.
Randy: [snidely] Because we're Americans. 'Cause this is America
Stan: Why are we doing this again? Why are we back to giant douche and turd sandwich?
Randy: [holds his palms out like fans] Cyyynical. Cynical maaan. You just think everything and everyone is dumb, huh? 'Cause you're a kneel-ist.
Stan: It's nihilist.
Randy: See, you're such a nihilist.
Scene Description: News Report
News anchor 2: Newest Gallup Poll results are in and they show Giant Douche to be leading Turd Sandwich by nearly 10%. Turd Sandwich has said there's no reason to panic.
Hillary Clinton (Turd Sandwich): Polls are of course a useful tool, but they can often be misleading. Our campaign is holding strong.
Reporter 1: [after some clamor from the press corps] Mrs. Turd Sandwich?
Hillary: Yes, Arthur?
Arthur: Uh, Mrs. Sandwich, do you believe that your opponent will gain any momentum from this poll?
Hillary: I'm sure that like me, Giant Douche realizes that polls are never the final answer.
Scene Description: The Garrison/Jenner headquarters. Mr. Garrison and Caitlyn are dancing around to "Cake By The Ocean"
Garrison: Yeah! Suck that poll you dumb bitch! Up 10%. Can you believe that shit?! [walks over to the table on which the radio sits] Oh, Caitlyn. I think we're really gonna win this thing! Think about it. [softly, awed] In a couple of months I will be President of the United States. [begins to worry and turns off the radio] Caitlyn, can I ask you somethin'? Uh, when we actually get into the White House, like um, what are we gonna do?
Caitlyn: What do you mean?
Garrison: Well I mean, like, you know, once we're President and Vice-President, like, what do we do then?
Caitlyn: How the fuck should I know?
Garrison: [getting exasperated] Cait, you, you heard about the poll, right? We're probably gonna win. Don't tell me you don't have a plan.
Caitlyn: What plan? I thought you had a plan.
Garrison: I don't have any fuckin' plan! That's why I have you! I'm gonna be the President and you're gonna be in charge of all foreign and domestic policies!
Caityln: I thought you were gonna do that part.
Garrison: Are you tellin' me that we're about to be voted into office and we have no idea what the fuck we're gonna do?? [makes two fists] Ohhh Jeeez!
Scene Description: Mr. Mackey's Office, Kyle is talking to him
Kyle: I think they called it German Collective Guilt, right? Where even the Germans who just did nothing while Hitler rose to power were, were maybe somehow also responsible?
Mr. Mackey: Uh huh, uh, m'kay, okay.
Kyle: But I can't control what Cartman does, so, so why should I feel ashamed for what Cartman does?
Mr. Mackey: Well J.J. Abrams was just rebooting the National Anthem, Kyle, so everything's gonna be fine, m'kay?
Kyle: I don't think the answer to all this is member berries.
Mr. Mackey: You don't like mem- member berries?
Kyle: Agh, never mind. I'm just gonna stay out of it. [gets up and leaves the office. A few seconds later, Mr. Mackey opens a drawer in his desk and pulls out a mason jar with member berries in it. He opens the jar and lifts the berries out]
Berries: Oh I 'member. 'Member Chewbacca? Yeah. And 'member AT-ATs? Member? Ey! Hey, 'member Ghostbusters? Ohh, I 'member. 'Member Slimer? Oh, I loved Slimer. 'Member? Ohh, I 'member. [they keep 'membering]
Mr. Mackey: How could someone think these things are bad? [plucks a berry and eats it]
Scene Description: Decision 2016, Commander In Chief Forum, from HBC News
Announcer: The Commander in Chief Forum, with a giant douche and a turd sandwich.
Moderator: Back now with the Commander in Chief Forum. I am joined by the Republican nominee, a giant douche.
Garrison: Thanks, Matt.
Matt: Mr. Douche, some say you don't actually have a viable plan in place if you were to be elected President.
Garrison: Huh! Huh well, well who said that? The turd sandwich?
Matt: In your campaign, you said that you will deal with our country's immigrants and enemies by personally [reading his notes] fucking them all to death. How do you plan to actually achieve that?
Garrison: Well, Matt, I don't think I said I would fuck them all to death.
Matt: Okay, well, let's roll the tape on that.
Garrison: Oh, sure, okay. [they sit back as clips from previous statements are aired. First, from the time the fleeing Canadian kids were enrolled at South Park Elementary] Well there's only one immigration policy that I believe in, and that's "fuck them all to death!" [At Niagara Falls] Fuck them all to death! Let's make this country great again!
Crowd: Fuck them all to death!
Garrison: [St. Louis] And then I'm gonna take all the drug pushers in our country, and I'm gonna fuck them-! [another rally] And you know those people in Syria, I'm gonna fuck them! [in Washington, D.C., all worked up] That's how we'll make sure that every terrorist on earth is fuckin' dead! [in a desert] The leaders of North Korea? I'll fuck them all, yeah! [Club Emotion] Yeah! Yeah! [another rally] The criminals in our jails?! Fuckin' dead a day after I- [another rally] Yeah! Those ads that are tryin' to kill us? I'll fuck anyone in the advertising business! And they'll all die too!
Matt: So by our estimates, it's roughly 7.6 million people you have promised to fuck to death in your first year of office.
Garrison: Uh huh, okay.
Matt: And, and, you think that's achievable?
Garrison: I do. I do, Matt. Uh, I mean, I'm not gonna just get elected, you know, and, and look like a jackass. Huh, huhuh. [fearfully] Ohhh Jeeez.
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, preschool room. Class is in session
Teacher: Alright kids, today we have a very special treat. One of the older students has written an original children's story and is gonna read it to you. Come on over, Eric.
Cartman: [enters] Hi guys! [takes a seat] Are you all ready to hear a story?
Preschoolers: Yeah!
Cartman: This was a book I created all with my imagination. It's called "Little Red Riding Kyle. The story of a little gay boy and his adventure with four hilarious women. One day, Little Red Riding Kyle was walking through the forest thinking about guys. He was on his way to visit his grandma, who was a little black boy named Token." Get over it. "But then, a big bad wolf who was a hilarious woman named Janet walked into the house and said 'I have a large vagina' and traded place-" [Kyle enters and pull him out of the room.]
Scene Description: The hallway, moments later. Kyle shuts the door behind him
Kyle: What the hell are you doing?!
Cartman: Rebooting fairy tales to try and ease the friction caused by Internet trolls.
Kyle: You really think you're fooling anyone with this fake persona?! Everyone knows you're acting this way by day so you can be horrible to people on the Internet at night!
Cartman: Why would I do that, Kyle?
Kyle: I don't really care! Just don't drag me into it! [takes Cartman's book and slams it down on the floor, then walks away angrily]
Scene Description: Skeeter's Wine Bar, night. Randy is at the bar with Jimbo and Stephen
Randy: What is wrong with people, huh?! How can they vote against a turd sandwich more than a giant douche?! It's senseless!
Stephen: Randy, you gotta calm down.
Randy: [grabs onto Stephen] How can anyone be calm at a time like this?! [lets go] People actually think a turd is worse than a douche!
Stephen: Look, maybe you need some supplements to help calm your nerves. Have you heard of member berries?
Randy: Member berries?
Stephen: It's a new superfruit that helps you mellow out and relax.
Scene Description: Stephen's master bedroom, night. He leads Randy in, opens the top drawer of his dresser, pulls out a box and sets it on top of the dresser, closes the drawer, and opens the box. The berries are chatting away.
Berries: 'Member The Fugitive? 'Member Bambi? 'Member Alien Nation? Yeah, I 'member...
Stephen: The guys at work told me about them. Been taking them about six months now. I'll telling you, they really take the edge off.
Berries: 'Member Explorers? The little kids in a spaceship? 'Member storm troopers? 'Member?
Randy: Oh, they're adorable. [plucks one and eats it]
Scene Description: Garrison/Jenner headquarters. A team of advisers is listening to Garrison as he paces around the room
Garrison: Come on, people! I need answers! Real solutions! You're my advisers, for Christ's sake! How do we do this?!
Adviser 1: Maybe, if you swam in a pool in Florida, you could contract the Zika virus. Then you fuck all the people you can, and hope they eventually die.
Garrison: That would take way too long! And there's no guarantee every pool in Florida has Zika!
Adviser 2: Could you use nuclear weapons? Then fuck all the bodies after the fact?
Garrison: [walks to the table and takes a seat] Ugh! What the hell do I do? If I win I won't be able to do what I promised. But every day I keep going up in the polls. Why did the Democrats have to elect such a turd sandwich?
Caitlyn: Maybe you should just quit.
Garrison: If I quit, I look like a total jackass. [gets up and walks away, stopping by the "Pin The Tail On The Donkey" picture with Hillary's face on it.] If I win the election, I look like a total jackass. I have to keep running, [turns to face the picture] but I have to make sure she wins.
Scene Description: dramatic music plays out
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The kids are in the hallway, and Butters is laughing at something on his phone. Stan, Kyle, Jimmy, Craig, and Clyde stop and look at him
Butters: Haha! You guys see what Skankhunt42 did on the school server now? Hehe, he photo shopped a picture of Heidi Turner's mom with a dick in her mouth!
Craig: I wanna see.
Butters: [shows the other boys] Look! There's Wendy's mom with a dick in her mouth too! [Jimmy laughs and takes a closer look]
Kyle: Goddammit! [takes the phone from Butters] Do you guys even care how this makes the girls feel?!
Craig: We didn't do it.
Kyle: We all know who did! And if we don't do something, then the girls will eventually retaliate against us!
Cartman: [from a distance] Help! [the other boys see him as he runs to them] Help me! Augh! Aw! [reaches the other boys]
Butters: Eric! What happened!
Cartman: A bunch of girls! They cornered me in the gym! They said all boys needed to pay! They kicked and they hit me and, and they kept me down and drew this vagina on my face! [well, it's there, but with a pair of testicles attached to it] They said it was to send a message!
Clyde: That's a vagina?
Cartman: Yeah. See, here's the top of the vagina and there's the balls. [Kyle has lost interest] It's starting, you guys! None of us is safe anymore!
Kyle: [flatly] I didn't know vagina had balls.
Cartman: Yeah, no, they do! Vaginas totally have balls! Right?
Kyle: You're just trying to start a war, aren't you?!
Cartman: What do you mean? If vaginas don't have balls, what do they have?
Kyle: It's not gonna work, Cartman! I'm not gonna let you divide boys and girls in this school anymore! when this whole thing comes to an end, you're gonna be all on your own! [walks away]
Scene Description: Garrison/Jenner headquarters. Garrison and Jenner now have a bank of phones, computers, and phone directories on the table and they're cold-calling people with them.
Garrison: Hello sir, how are you today? I'm calling from the Campaign for President, just seeing if uh, I can get your support for Hillary Clinton today. Yes, I know she's a turd sandwich, but you know if ya, if you look past that, you know she, she really has a lot to offer. Well, I hear you, but sometimes in life you just gotta suck a turd, you know? Hello? [hangs the phone up up with anger] Dammit! This is impossible! Are you having' any success, Caitlyn?!
Caitlyn: I've tried to get people on board, but she's just such a turd sandwich. You're just gonna have to do something awful to throw the election.
Garrison: Every time I do something awful people just get more stoked on me! It's impossible to piss people off anymore!
Scene Description: CNN breaking news
Anchor 2: This is breaking news. The moment has arrived. It is here. J.J. Abrams says he has finished the new National Anthem.
Garrison: Turn it up.
Anchor 2: The anthem is sure to be fresh and exciting while recapturing the moments we all knew and loved. Democratic nominee Turd Sandwich said she will be in attendance to show her support for the rebooted anthem.
Garrison: Ohhh Jeeez.
Anchor 2: Let's all hope that this new anthem puts our differences aside and unites this nation once again.
Garrison: That's it, Cait. That's what I have to do. I'm gonna sit out the National Anthem on live television. Then everyone will have to vote for that turd sandwich!
Scene Description: The Marsh living room. Randy is relaxing on the sofa with his bunch of member berries.
Berries: 'Member Spock? Yeah. 'Member tricorders? I 'member. And 'member Bionic Man?
Randy: Ohh, I 'member.
Berry: Oh I loved Bionic Man [Randy plucks him and eats him.]
Berries: 'Member the Millennium Falcon? 'member Chewbacca again? Oh I love to 'member Chewbacca. I 'member. 'Member? Hey hey hey! 'Member when there weren't so many Mexicans? Oh, I 'member.
Randy: Wai- what?
Berries: Yeah, yeah, yeah! 'Member when marriage was just between a man and a woman? I 'member! Oh, I 'member. Oh yeahhh.
Randy: [fondly] Yeeah, I remember that. [catches himself] Wait.
Berries: 'Member feeling safe? 'Member no ISIS? 'Member Reagan? Ohh, I 'member. Ooo, 'member? Ooo, 'member? [Randy sits up and spits out what's left of the berries he's eaten]
Randy: What the fuck's going on with these member berries?
Scene Description: Kyle's bathroom. There's a knock on the door. Kyle is doing his business on the toilet
Kyle: Yeah?
Cartman: [opens the door and comes in] Hey broship. Got a minute?
Kyle: What are you doing here??
Cartman: You were right, Kyle. Okay? I drew the vagina on my face. I tried to fool people, but you keenly noticed my one tiny error in that girls don't have balls.
Kyle: I'm going to the bathroom!
Cartman: Kyle, you have to try and appreciate what I'm doing. I know that a war is coming between us and the girls. I knew it the moment they sat out the National Anthem.
Kyle: [finishes up and hops off the toilet, pulling his pants up] They sat it out because you were harassing them online.
Cartman: Suppose for one second that I'm not Skankhunt42. And that I really have been doing what I've been doing to try and stop the damage he has done?
Kyle: Why would you care?!
Cartman: 'Cause I'm scared, Kyle. I don't know if you've noticed, but race wars are back. And now if we get gender wars too??
Kyle: If we could just prove who the troll was, then the girls wouldn't be wanting a war, would they?!
Cartman: Yeah but... you can't track down an Internet troll, [peers down into the toilet] it's too bad.
Kyle: Just know this, Cartman! I'm going to prove who Skankhunt42 is, whatever it takes! Everyone is going to know! And Skankhunt is gonna pay for everything he's! ever! said!
Scene Description: Jim and Mike are back, this time commenting on the '49ers/Panthers game.
Mike: Hello everyone, we are live at tonight's game between the '49ers and the Panthers, but of course what everyone is really here for, the unveiling of the new National Anthem rebooted by J.J. Abrams.
Jim: And Mike, this new anthem is said to have everything the old one had but, some new surprises as well. You'd have to be an absolute asshole not to stand and support it.
Mike: This is such a big night for America that both Presidential candidates are here. [Hillary stands up and waves to the camera] There you can see the Turd Sandwich waving to all four people excited by her. [A shot of Garrison and Jenner in their own box, with Garrison waving happily to the crowd] And there's the Giant Douche doing the same.
Garrison: When I sit down to not support this thing I'm sure to lose this election!
Announcer: Ladies and Gentlemen-
Garrison: Here it is!
Jim: And the Anthem begins, let's hope this fixes America.
Announcer: For our National Anthem we now ask you all in solidarity to please rise. [Garrison sits down] Or sit, or take a knee, in order to honor America. [Kaepernick, who has taken a knee, is as confused as anyone else]
Garrison: Wait a min- what, wait, what? Wait. [tries to strike a pose that isn't standing, sitting, or kneeling, but gets nothing.]
Jim: Ohhh! And J.J. Abrams has absolutely shattered expectations, Mike! Now whether people are standing, sitting, or kneeling, they are all honoring America. J.J. Abrams is a wizard, Tom. A wizard. [Colin Kaepernick is also trying to figure out what to do]
Mike: More people sitting now as Abrams has made it irrelevant. Who saw this coming?
Jim: And there's the rest of the Anthem, all the parts we remembered and loved. J.J. Abrams has fixed America.
Garrison: No, this was supposed to! Oh! OHHH JEEEZ!
Scene Description: Reactions from around the town. At her house, Wendy looks at the TV in the living room, then turns left and walks away with an angry look on her face. Bebe is in her own bedroom looking at the TV with an angry look on her face too, then clicks off the TV to go to sleep. At the Daniels' house, Nichole watches the anthem with her parents in the living room, and she's looking angry too. She hops off the sofa and walks to her room. Finally, Kyle is in his room staring at the ceiling with an angry look on his face.
Gerald: [opens the bedroom door] Hey Kyle. [Kyle looks at him] You okay, son?
Kyle: Yeah Dad. Just thinkin'.
Gerald: Well um, I'll be in my office if you wanna talk. [leaves and closes the door. He walks to his office at the end of the hallway]
Scene Description: Gerald's office. He goes in and closes the door, turns on the radio to a jazz station on 88.1 FM and heads over to his computer, takes a seat, and pours himself some wine. He goes straight to the South Park Elementary Message Board and logs in. His user name? Skankhunt42. Once on the board, he gets to work with determination on his face. He breaks out in a mischievous smile while he's plugging away


Scene Description: At the school gymnasium, the parents of South Park Elementary students are watching a presentation by Dr. Schroeder about internet trolls.
Dr. Wayne Schroeder: Nobody is safe. Nobody can hide from these monsters. Internet trolls are truly predators of society. As parents we find it hard to believe our children are doing these things online, and that is why I've been asked to come and speak to you about the student who has been trolling your school message boards.
Scene Description: He changes the PowerPoint slide, showing a defaced picture of Heidi Turner's mother an example of internet trolling by Skankhunt42.
Dr. Schroeder: This troll is known only as Skankhunt42. [He cycles to the next slide.]
Dr. Schroeder: We believe it probable he's one of the boy students here, since his favorite target seems to be women. Here, you can see Heidi Turner's mother photo shopped with a penis in her mouth, after she defended her daughter's right to sit out the national anthem.
Scene Description: The crowd gasps and talk among each other.
Dr. Schroeder: Since then, this child has been trolling all over the internet. Visiting message boards, and social media, and filling it with vile comments and hate-filled garbage. [The camera pans to Gerald smiling as Dr. Schroeder talks.]
Dr. Schroeder: But trolling is on the rise with teenagers, and we all need to come together to stop it. We need every parent to look for the signs in their own child.
Scene Description: He changes PowerPoint to a slide titled 'Signs That my Child is a Troll'.
Dr. Schroeder: In order for us to find these secretive monsters, we need all parents to ask themselves: "Could my child be a troll?".
Scene Description: Sheila and Gerald's car, at night and after the PTA meeting.
Sheila: My God, what children are capable of now. What kind of hate would have to be in that child's heart?
Gerald: Well, you never know, could be someone who just, kind of thinks it's funny to stir the pot and watch everyone freak out. [Sheila gives Gerald a questioning look]
Gerald: Uh, you know! Maybe the fact that it's so not funny makes it somehow funny, to kids? Gosh, I-I certainly don't understand it.
Scene Description: A bridge over a river, snowing. The same picture is reposted by Butters on Twitter, and Heidi looks at it on her phone sadly. Heidi then slowly walks to the side edge of the bridge. Surveying the drop, she types on her phone whilst tearing up. The camera pans up, a splash is heard, and two white birds fly past.
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Police cars are parked outside the school. Kyle walks down the hallway past sad kids and police officers who are interviewing the teachers. He turns his head to see Bebe bawling and another girl comforting her who is also bawling. Kyle then meets Stan and Clyde.
Kyle: Dude, what's going on?
Clyde: You didn't hear?
Kyle: Hear what? What happened?
Stan: Heidi Turner. She... she quit Twitter.
Kyle: Oh no. [Heidi walks past them, looking down.]
Stan: Yesterday after school, she wrote one last tweet that said goodbye forever, and then just got off for good.
Kyle: She'll get back on.
Stan: No dude, she threw her phone in a river. She's... she's gone.
Scene Description: At the South Park Elementary library, Mr. Mackey sits in front of a group of 4th graders to help them cope with their loss.
Mr. Mackey: Alright students, I know we're all dealing with the loss of a good friend. We have to accept the fact that Heidi won't be on social media anymore. I know we're all gonna miss her, m'kay. We're gonna miss, seeing what she's up to; miss seeing her silly pictures she'd post of her and her friends, m'kay.
Scene Description: Bebe breaks down and starts crying; Red shifts over to comfort her.
Mr. Mackey: But this is what can happen when someone gets bullied online to the point they just can't go on anymore. [Kyle angrily looks over at Cartman.]
Mr. Mackey: I know that some of you are feeling anger, m'kay. [Annie, Wendy, and Nichole are angrily looking down] Some of you are feeling a little guilt, asking how something like this can happen. But the best thing we can do for Heidi, is come together as friends, and as students, m'kay.
Mr. Mackey: So now, why don't we all get on Twitter, m'kay, and just tweet some of the, things we loved about Heidi, m'kay?
Scene Description: Everyone takes out their phones and an begins typing tweets on Twitter in memory of Heidi. Bebe continues weeping.
Mr. Mackey: M'kay. Oh, that's nice, that's nice, m'kay. Oh, that's a good one Sarah, uh-huh. That-that's a - that's a pretty poem. Nice Butters. Oh, Heidi would have loved this so much. This is so special, m'kay.
Scene Description: At the South Park Elementary cafeteria, most girls are upset and the boys are eating at a table.
Stan: Okay. Can we all agree now, [Stan glares at Cartman] that whoever is doing this, needs to stop?
Cartman: Totally, you guys; this has gone far enough. [Kyle looks unimpressed.] The girls are really pissed off at us. [He drinks from a milk carton.]
Stan: So tonight, whoever is doing this, isn't going to do it again! 'Cause if he does, we're gonna have to do something about it!
Cartman: You hear that guys? It'd better not happen again tonight! [Kyle still looks unimpressed.] I am so, seriously.
Scene Description: Broflovski residence, night. Ike is playing Minecraft on his computer. Gerald enters Ike's room
Gerald: Ike? Can I talk to you? [Takes a seat on Ike's bed] Come on, pull up a chair.
Scene Description: Ike stops playing and sits next to Gerald.
Gerald: You know, we had a big parent meeting at the school tonight, and uh, apparently, there's someone trolling the school message boards and, putting... penises in people's mouths. And whoever it was then got a big reaction from it, so he's now putting penises in people's mouths all over the internet. And... he's actually getting pretty famous!
Gerald: Sooo, Annie Jerkin's mother started an online campaign to stop internet trolling with a picture of her and her daughter, and you know what happened? She got a dick in her mouth!
Gerald: Ha-okay, okay, I know, it's just guy humor stuff, you know. We can laugh about about it here, but, it is serious too. Well, love you pal. Get to sleep, it's a school night.
Scene Description: Gerald smiles at Ike before leaving. In the hallway, Sheila encounters Gerald
Gerald: Oh, hey!
Sheila: Did you talk to him?
Gerald: Yeah, yeah, we talked. It was good.
Sheila: Oh, that's good.
Gerald: Yeah, well, I'd better go and get some of my work done.
Sheila: Oh, right, right, yeah.
Gerald: Yeah, don't wait up. I'll be a while with these stupid case profiles.
Sheila: All right. Night Gerald.
Gerald: Night sweetie. [Gerald receives a kiss from Sheila]
Scene Description: In his office, Gerald turns on the lights and puts Smokin' by Boston on his turntable in the background. He pours some wine from a hidden compartment into a glass, sits at his desk, puts on his glasses, and starts surfing on Facebook. Text boxes pop up as background impressions voice over them.
Woman 1: Hey! Just wanna remind everyone about the ice cream social to benefit homeless teens. Looking for volunteers.
Gerald: Hey, I'd like to volunteer to kick you in the vagina! Where do I sign up?!
Scene Description: More surfing of Facebook
Woman 2: This is my daughter at the triathlon today! Go little girl!
Gerald: Your daughter has a mustache - what the hell is wrong with your ovaries bitch?!
Scene Description: Camera pans away from Gerald. A woman looks appalled after reading Gerald's post on her computer. Another woman is in shown also shocked. Gerald continues his trolling onslaught.
Commentator: You've been dick-slapped!
Scene Description: A couple are dining at a restaurant, but the woman becomes outraged after reading another of Gerald's posts on her phone. The man also becomes outraged after she shows it to him.
Scene Description: Gerald types on his 2 computers along to the notes of a keyboard. In a bathroom, a man on the toilet is startled after reading yet another of Gerald's post on his tablet. Explosions of various buildings start appearing. Gerald continues his relentless assault, also targeting Annie, who becomes enraged.
Scene Description: 2 elephants are shown humping. A clip shows how Gerald photoshops dicks into women's mouths. Then at a Boston concert, Gerald reenacts playing the keyboard by typing on his computers. A traditional man spins 2 rods that are on fire.
Scene Description: Finally, Gerald yawns and calls it a night, taking his glass of wine and leaving the room. South Park Elementary, day. The girls are gathered at the playground, and Wendy paces back and forth
Bebe: You should've seen what he said about my mother on her Instagram! Pages and pages of disgusting things!
Annie: This is an attack on all of us! It's time to make the boys suffer!
Wendy: It has to be swift and serious. We have to make a statement. The girls in South Park aren't going to be treated like afterthoughts anymore!
Girls (except Heidi Turner): Yeah!
Scene Description: A backview shot of the boys is shown, with the girls in the background.
Annie: This has gone on too long and it's time to do something!
Girls (except Heidi Turner): Yeah!
Clyde: [The boys are now the focus.] What do you think they're talking about?
Butters: They're talking about how they're gonna get us - what do you think? That's how the world works now. You get blamed for the group you belong to, even if you didn't do nothing!
Scene Description: Boy's Restroom, outside.
Butters: What are we gonna do about them?
Scene Description: Boy's Restroom, inside. The boys are gathered and Stan paces back and forth
Kyle: The girls want to see Cartman punished so we have to prove it's him.
Craig: We're never gonna prove that and you know it! We have to make him stop!
Butters: He's not gonna stop, he's loving all this! He wants the girls to hurt us!
Clyde: Then let's end it.
Jimmy: What do you mean?
Clyde: Cartman is the cause of all our problems. Always. We all know what has to be done.
Scene Description: The boys look at Clyde with surprise and dread. Stan stops pacing
Clyde: It's not like we haven't talked about it before - fantasized about how we'd do it.
Kyle: Yeah, but not like we'd actually do it.
Stan: Clyde's right.
Kyle: Stan... You can't be thinking that we'd-
Stan: What else do we do Kyle? You know better than anybody what a monster he is.
Token: He pushed everyone too far.
Butters: It's him, or us!
Kyle: Are we seriously talking about doing this?
Craig: How would we ever get away with it?
Stan: We do it out in the woods. I know how to get him to go.
Scene Description: In the school hallway, Cartman listens to some music while sitting. He notices the boys walking up to him
Cartman: 'Sup dudes?
Scene Description: The boys are all looking down. Stan talks in an unenthusiastic tone.
Stan: After school, we're gonna go to my uncle's cabin - in the woods. We're gonna have a slumber party and play Counter-Strike all night with no one around to bother us.
Cartman: [Stands up excited] Are you serious?! All night broship Counter-Strike party? That's fucking sweet! Does your uncle's cabin have good wifi?
Stan: Yeah, but don't tell anyone where you're going. We don't want adults to know cause there's gonna be a ton of junk food.
Cartman: Bros!! Dude, that's so awesome! This is gonna be the best night ever!
Scene Description: Counsellor's office. Mr. Mackey sits at his desk holding a bunch of Member Berries.
Berries: 'Member TIE fighters? Oh, 'member Jawas? 'Member? Hey, 'member Jurassic Park? Ooh, you love Jurassic Park. 'Member Jeff Goldblum? Oh, I 'member Jeff Goldblum - he was really tasty. [Mr. Mackey plucks one berry and eats it] I love Jeff Goldblum. 'Member?
Mr. Mackey: Mueeh...
Scene Description: Scott Malkinson barges into the counselor's office, startling Mr. Mackey who quickly puts away the Member Berries in his desk drawer.
Scott: I can't do this anymore! I can't take it!
Mr. Mackey: Oh! Er, hi Scott.[Scott sits on the chair in front of Mr. Mackey.]
Scott: Nobody ever pays attention to me! Nobody cares! I just want to end it all!
Mr. Mackey: Scott, come on, we've talked about this. You don't wanna quit Twitter.
Scott: Why not?! Everyone would be happier if I did!
Mr. Mackey: Who'd be happier?
Scott: Everyone.
Mr. Mackey: Well, what about your parents, huh? How'd you think they'd feel if you quit Twitter?
Scott: I don't think they'd even notice!
Mr. Mackey: Of course they'd notice. They'd be saad, m'kay, they'd be saad. You've got so much ahead of you Scott; so many posts and tweets still ahead of you. You haven't even started to see what social media has to offer you. You can't-you can't just end it all. Not now.
Scott: You're right, I guess I don't want to quit Twitter.
Mr. Mackey: There you go, m'kay? But now you come back here anytime you're having bad thoughts, m'kay?
Scott: Okay, thanks.
Scene Description: Scott leaves the office. Mr. Mackey starts to retrieve the Member Berries, but Scott barges in again, forcing Mr. Mackey to return the Member Berries again.
Scott: Twitter would be better off without me! I'm quitting!
Mr. Mackey: Okay, okay. Now, Scott-[Scott takes the seat again]
Scott: What's the point!? Better to just end it all now!
Mr. Mackey: O-kay...
Scene Description: In the woods the boys, who are still looking down and unenthusiastic, and Cartman, are trekking along a dirt path, bringing along their electronics.
Cartman: This is gonna be so awesome. Just hanging with the bros playing Counter-Strike all night. Alone in the woods - you pumped Token?
Token: Yeah, I'm really excited.
Cartman: I'm totally gonna do some massive pwnage. Whoever's on my team will be stoked. My laptop's so fast it doesn't lag at all. I can jump around like a pwnage powerhouse.
Clyde: I'm sure you will.
Cartman: You guys all seem kinda, like, bummed out. Is everything cool?
Stan: Everything's fine Cartman. We'll just get there sooner if maybe we don't talk much.
Cartman: Okay, cool. Goin' a long way to play Counter-Strike. Guess it's sweet though there won't be any adults to screw it up for us. How much further now?
Kyle: We're almost there.
Scene Description: At sunset, they arrive at the cabin.
Cartman: This place has sweet wifi, right? Gon' be so awesome.
Scene Description: In the city, at a campaign-headquarters during the day, a supervisor is walking around.
Man: Oh my God. Oh my God! Oh my God!
Supervisor: [Walks to the man.] What's wrong?
Man: Someone keeps trolling our campaign site!
Scene Description: The supervisor takes a closer look at the man's computer screen.
Man: He just keeps leaving horrible comments, and now he's attacking me personally!
Supervisor: Aww, don't let him get to you.
Man: Don't let him-?! He took a picture I posted and put a dick in my mouth! Who does that?!
Supervisor: Someone who probably still lives with his mother and hates himself. He obviously has nothing better to do. Just let him wallow in his own misery.
Scene Description: At his house, during the day, Gerald leaves the house very cheerfully. Steal My Sunshine by Len starts playing as Gerald strides down the road. He cheerfully gets out of the way of a car after the driver honked.
Man 2: Get out of the street, you idiot!
Gerald: Sorry! My bad!
Scene Description: Gerald passes by 2 neighbors arguing about the election ignorantly, he nearly gets knocked over by a biker, but blissfully passes it off.
Gerald: Ha ha! Don't worry!
Scene Description: At the supermarket, Gerald picks up a bottle of wine and happily skips to the checkout, passing by the Member Berries' section
Berries: 'Member the Cantina? Oh-hoh, I 'member. 'Member Star Destroyers? Yeah, I love Star Destroyers! 'Member?
Woman 3: [To the cashier.] I have a coupon for that too. An-and those are 6 for $4 with this coupon. [To Gerald] Sorry.
Gerald: Oh, no please. It's no problem at all!
Scene Description: On his way home that evening, Gerald slowly dances back to his house.
Scene Description: Outside his office at school, Mr. Mackey is locking up, but Scott Malkinson walks up behind him.
Scott: I'm gonna do it! [Mr. Mackey turns a worried, then frustrated look] I'm gonna quit Twitter, I mean it this time!
Mr. Mackey: Ohh, Scott, uh, I-it's sort of after hours, m'kay?
Scott: They all laugh at me. They won't be laughing when I do it! I'll show them!
Mr. Mackey: Hah, alright Scott. Come on inside. Huumm...
Scene Description: He unlocks the office door, then goes inside with Scott.
Scene Description: In the woods, at night, the boys finally reach the cabin.
Cartman: Oh, dude, is this it? This is cool. So isolated. [Camera shows a hole and shovel in the ground] Check it out, there's a shovel next to a hole dug in the ground.
Scene Description: Inside the cabin, Cartman eagerly goes over to the table at the far end and puts his items on it, while the boys form behind him.
Cartman: Dude, is this where we're gonna play? I call dibs on this side! What's the wifi called? Is there a password?
Scene Description: Kyle closes the cabin door. Everybody takes out a weapon, except for Cartman.
Cartman: I don't see it - I don't see it coming up on my laptop. I don't know, I think maybe the wifi's not working. Where's the box? [Cartman picks up his devices]
Cartman: You gotta unplug it and plug it back in. [Turning around] You guys? You guys...? There's...no wifi...
Clyde: The girls are gonna do something drastic to us. We have to take matters into our own hands.
Cartman: What are you...What are you guys talking about - What-
Stan: You brought this on yourself, Cartman. We're sorry.
Cartman: Oh my God. Oh my God, you guys are gonna break all my stuff so I can't get online!
Kyle: Just put your stuff on the table and step back.
Cartman: Please! Please don't break my stuff you guys! This is like, 2 Christmases and a birthday worth of stuff! You guys can't do this! Please!
Token: Let's just get it over with!
Cartman: No, don't-get-it-over-with! Don't break my stuff! I'm not SkankHunt, I'm not! You guys, you guys, you don't have to do this! You-don't-have-to-do-this! We can still just play Counter-Strike, and forget everything! Oh-my-God, there's no wifi - We can use my phone, to make a hotspot and we can still play Counter-Strike! And it'll be sweet! You guys, come on, please! Please, you can't!
Clyde: I can't listen to this!
Cartman: Please, Clyde! Clyde, you're my friend! Please, y-you know how much - I - need - my - stuff!
Craig: Let's just get it over with! [Walks up to Cartman]
Cartman: No please! If I can't get online, I won't-how would I-I- Mumbling.
Scene Description: Craig stabs Cartman's laptop with his knife. The rest of the boys start advancing forward.
Cartman: No, God! No! Don't! Don't!! Don't!! Oh my God!!
Scene Description: Cartman's electronics are knocked onto the table, and subsequently destroyed by the boys
Cartman: Oh my God!! Oh my God!! Oh my God!! Aahh!! Niah!! Niaah!! Iaahh!! Iaahh!! Niaaahhhh!!!
Scene Description: Cartman passes out. Outside the cabin after some time, the hole is filled up, and Token pats the soil with the shovel. The boys look horrified.
Stan: What have we done?
Kyle: What we had to do.
Cartman: [Off screen.] Iaahh!!
Scene Description: In his bedroom, with the lights off, Mr. Mackey is sleeping when his phone starts ringing. Mr. Mackey jolts up from the ringing, puts his glasses on and sees the caller is Scott Malkinson.
Mr. Mackey: Oh, Goddammit. You've got to be kidding me. [Sighs, then answers phone.] This is Counselor Mackey. What's going on Scott?
Scene Description: Scott is on his phone while off his bed, grabbing onto a pillow.
Scott: I swear to God I'm gonna do it this time.
Mr. Mackey: Okay Scott, just try to calm down. You don't want to quit Twitter.
Scott: Why does it matter? People would be happier if I just did it!
Mr. Mackey: That's not true, no one would be happier. [Brings the phone away from his face.]
Mr. Mackey: This fucking kid, oh my god... [Brings the phone back to his ear.] Everybody thinks you're a great kid, Scott.
Scott: I-I talked to my dad. He said, "I don't have the guts to do it!". Well, if I'd quit Twitter, he'd be sorry!
Mr. Mackey: Okay, umm, how 'bout this, just umm, promise me you won't quit Twitter tonight, and we can - we can talk all day tomorrow, okay? M'kay?
Scott: I don't know if I'll make it through the night!
Mr. Mackey: [off phone] Oh, for fuck's sake...
Scott: I just feel like I'm at the edge of a cliff, you know, and being chased by hate. And the only way out is to jump!
Mr. Mackey: [on phone] Uh-huh, okay, go on with that.
Scott: I keep thinking about what the kids at school would do, when they find out I left all my social media. Like they would finally see all the damage they've done.
Mr. Mackey: [off phone] Goddammit, just do it already...
Scene Description: At home, at night, Gerald is again trolling online with Smokin' by Boston playing. However, just before leaving, his computer screen lights up with a Google alert, notifying Gerald that he was mentioned on CNN. Gerald clicks on the video link.
CNN reporter: Another internet troll is wreaking havoc on message boards, this time attacking a Danish website for women with breast cancer.
Gerald: I made the news...
CNN reporter: The troll, who goes by the name "SkankHunt42", ...
Gerald: [He claps his hands.] Yes!
CNN reporter: ...caused the website to temporarily shutdown. Danish Olympic Gold Medalist Freja Ollegard, who started the website, spoke out about the incident. [The inset video of Freja Ollegard zooms in.]
Freja Ollegard: I am not shocked. I am not sad. I am not giving this pitiful person the satisfaction of being anything. [Gerald listens intently].
Freja Ollegard: This little troll can have his fun. I am going to be the bigger person. I am going to show the people of Denmark are not so easily broken down.
Gerald: Hmm...Game on whore. Game on.
Scene Description: Gerald starts furiously typing on his computer, and a shadow appears on his wall by the computer screen's illumination. The camera pans to the shadow.
Scene Description: At South Park Elementary the next day, Kyle walks through the hallway again, but this time the girls are angrily slamming their lockers before walking away. He meets Stan and Clyde again.
Kyle: What's going on?
Stan: You didn't hear?
Kyle: Hear what?
Stan: The troll, SkankHunt, Kyle. He was all over the internet last night!
Kyle: No, that's impossible!
Stan: It wasn't him Kyle! We took Cartman out for no reason. [Cartman walks past looking down] We can't undo what we've done.
Kyle: Oh my God. Oh my God...
Scene Description: Inside Bebe's room, the girls are gathered. Wendy looks unsure.
Nelly: The time has come. We said if the trolling didn't stop, there would be severe consequences. Get the word out to every girl in school. It goes down tomorrow!
Wendy: Oh my God...I don't know if I can go through with this.
Nichole: We all have to be on-board Wendy. Every girl in school, or it means nothing.
Annie: Don't forget what you said Wendy: "For too long girls here have taken the backseat! Things have to change!". Now they'll have to listen.
Scene Description: At South Park Elementary, the following day, Gortoz a Ran by Denez Prigant plays in the background. Annie hides behind some hallway lockers till her boyfriend passes by. She catches up and gives a note to him, then leaves. The note reads: "I'm breaking up with you forever. Annie.". The boy falls to his knees, drops the note and yells as tears stream down his cheeks, 'No!' in slow motion.
Scene Description: Kevin receives a note too from Red, as well as all the boys with girlfriends. Girls run down the hallway holding notes like a deadly mob. The library. Clyde, clutching his hair, cries alone at a table with a note in front of him, tears streaming down his face.
Scene Description: Kindergarten couples also break up too, as a girl gives a boy a note that reads: "I brake up.". This results in the boy face planting into his toy blocks construction. Token also receives a note from Nichole at the basketball court that reads: "I break up. Goodbye. Don't call. Nichole". Token falls to his knees, broken.
Scene Description: In the Boy's Restroom, 2 boys who received notes resort to hugging each other for comfort. Playground. Kyle is sitting alone on the swings with his class picture in hand, and his eye starts tearing up when he sees Cartman fade from the picture.
Scene Description: In the hallway, any boys are crying in corners, notes strewn and crumpled. Stan walks down the hallway, glancing at the boys before encountering Wendy. Wendy regrettably holds out the note in her hand. Stan hesitantly takes the note, and reads: "This is goodbye forever, Stan. I can't fix you. Wendy". When Stan looks up, Wendy is gone from view


Scene Description: Simply Heidi. Her guest is Freja Ollegard
Simply Heidi: We are back again with the brave Olympic gold medalist from Denmark, Freja Øllengård. Freja, you've talked about being trolled on the Internet and its consequences.
Freja Ollegard: Yes, Heidi. I believe trolling has a tragic effect on innocent people.
Simply Heidi: You have been the victim of horrific degrading attacks, spearheaded by a troll called [puts on her glasses] skankhunt42.
Gerald: [watching on his computer, holding a glass of wine] Nice.
Freja Ollegard: I've tried to just ignore the trolls, but that only seems to make them attack me more.
Simply Heidi: It must be so awful for you to create a Web site for women like yourself who are breat-cancer survivors and these... monsters get on and somehow make light of it. Even going as far as... ridiculing masdectomies.
Freja Ollegard: Yes, it's very disgusting, but I still try very hard to believe in the goodness of humanity. [cheers from the studio audience.]
Simply Heidi: I can tell you that the support for you on our Web site has been overwhelming. We'd like to share some comments we've received, many from doctors who believe your Web site is saving lives. The first is a comment from a physician in Spain: "You go girl. You are doing great things. Don't let trolling stop you." And that is from Dr. Juerdior Titsgo [Freja is alarmed at the name], in Spain.
Gerald: [exults at his coup] He shoots, he scores! [Freja knows she's been trolled again and puts her face in her palm]
Simply Heidi: And there's this one: "Believe in yourself and don't listen to the haters. You're an inspiration." That's from Hungarian physician Dr. Cootsier Boobsoff.
Audience Member: Oh no...
Gerald: HA! [throws an air ball] From the 3-point line!
Simply Heidi: I'm sorry, am I missing something?
Scene Description: The Broflovski house, day. Police cars are in front and a couple of officers are at the door. Officer Barkley rings the bell
Gerald: Oh! Police! [sheepishly] Yes?
Officer: Hello, sir, we're conducting an investigation.
Gerald: Uh... regarding... uh regarding what?
Barkley: Do you happen to know this child? [shows him Cartman's picture from Photo Day]
Gerald: [relieved] Hoooh. Sure, that's one of my son's friends.
Barkley: Well, I'm afraid he's... quit Twitter.
Gerald: Hooo... another one, huh?
Barkley: Yeah, but this one's different. The events surrounding his quitting Twitter were very suspicious. Most people that quit Twitter leave at least three paragraphs stating that they're quitting Twitter before they quit Twitter. This child just stopped using it.
Gerald: Kyle! [looks up the stairs]
Barkley: We're simply trying to gather information on whether this was a Twitter suicide or a Twitter homicide. [Kyle appears at the top of the stairs]
Gerald: Kyle, have you seen your friend Eric online?
Kyle: [panics a bit] No. Uh, he quit.
Barkley: D'ya happen to know why, son?
Kyle: He probably got fed up with all the negativity and decided to end it. [shrugs] I don't know.
Barkley: Without tweeting a goodbye? People don't just quit social media. They post long drawn-out messages on social media, explaining why they're leaving social media.
Gerald: Look, officers, why don't you just go ask him why he quit Twitter?
Barkley: At where, sir? At where?
Scene Description: Kyle's room, moments later. Kyle runs in and closes the door frantically, then whips out his phone to talk to some people
Kyle: Okay, that was the cops! The cops were here!
Clyde: The cops? For what?
Token: You know for what! You know what we did to Cartman! [he's video-chatting with the other boys on his computer, in several windows]
Craig: We did what we had to do.
Kyle: But we were wrong!
Butters: [under his bed covers] It's not the police we have to worry about, it's Eric. He's gonna get us.
Jimmy: Hey. W-we all just have to stay cool, okay?
Butters: It doesn't matter. He's comin'. He's comin' to get us.
Scene Description: Stan's room. He's not part of the conversation. He sits on his bed looking at selfies of Wendy on his phone. Wendy on her bed reading a book and smiling at the camera. Another selfie of her in the sun. A selfie of her sitting at a counter. A selfie of her at a beach making a victory sign with her right index and middle fingers. A picture of Cartman licking the ass of a life-sized picture of him. That picture has him looking at a phone which has a picture of him looking at a phone...
Randy: Stan? [Stan's door is open, so Randy walks in] You can't just stay in your room all day.
Stan: What happened, Dad? [Randy walks up to the bed] Everything's upside down. [Randy sits] Everyone's taking sides and splitting into groups. [thoughtfully] Everything sucks.
Randy: [rubs the back of his neck] Yeah, everything sucks. [lowers his hand] Everyone's divided. Nobody's getting along. And there's people like your MOTHER who are thinking of voting for a DOUCHE because she doesn't have a BRAIN.
Sharon: [off screen] Go to hell, Randy!
Randy: I don't know what's wrong with people in this town. More and more are agreeing with your mother. I tried getting on community message boards and swaying people's minds but... it always ends up with some asshole talking about vaginas and photoshopping a dick in my mouth. That's where we're at today. Everything sucks.
Scene Description: Clinton campaign headquarters. She and her staff prepare for the debate
Aide 1: Here's everything to prepare you for the debates, ma'am. Just try and stay focused no matter what your opponent says.
Aide 2: Don't let him rattle you. He's gonna do whatever he can to try and mess with your head. Don't buy into it. Whatever he says, just respond with "My opponent is a liar, and he cannot be trusted."
Clinton: Got it.
Scene Description: The Presidential Debate
Announcer: Decision 2016. The first Presidential debate, with moderator Lester Holt.
Lester Holt: Okay, let's get right into it. Our first question is for you, sir. How will you deal with ground troops in Syria?
Garrison: Everyone, I need to just speak from the heart here. Uhm, I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. I've gotta come clean. Uh, I had no idea I would get this far, [Holt looks confused] but the fact of the matter is, I should not be President. Okay? [Clinton's aides watch from a back room] I will fuck this country up beyond repair. [Clinton's aides smile at this admission] I'm a sick, angry little man. Please, if you care at all about the future of our country, vote for her. Okay? She's the one who at least has some experience. She, she's not as bad as you think, I promise. And unlike me, she's actually capable of running this country.
Clinton: ...My opponent is a liar and he cannot be trusted.
Aide 1: NOOO!
Aide 2: Oh my God, she's such a turd sandwich.
Clinton: What he is saying is simply not true. Do not... believe it.
Garrison: [throws his hands up and then faces Clinton] I am giving you this, lady. I AM GIVING you this! What the fuck are you doing?! [faces the audience again] Okay, look, look, just, vote for her, she... she knows politics. She really wants to put this country first.
Clinton: My opponent is a liar-
Garrison: Would you just please shut up?
Clinton: -And he cannot be-
Garrison: Get out of your own way.
Clinton: -cannot be trusted.
Garrison: [in exasperation] Okay, okay, look. [stands up again] She doesn't mean what she's saying. She just doesn't know how to take this because... it's very weird and her advisers probably t-
Clinton: My opponent is a liar and he cannot be trusted. [as she says this, he throws his hands up and turns his back to the camera]
Garrison: Fuck, oh fuck, why the fuck does it have to be her? I am so fucked.
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Four of the seven boys who destroyed Cartman's electronics are in PC Principal's office.
PC Principal: Alright boys, I've had just about enough of playing games. [before him are Kyle, Stan, Butters, and Token] The four of you were good friends with Eric Cartman, and yet none of you seem to know why he left social media. [Butters fidgets a bit] Nobody's got anything to say? Well I have a theory. I think... that Eric Cartman... was somehow forced to leave social media as a retaliation for Heidi Turner quitting social media! Now, because of the actions of one sexist, bogoted, racist troll! [sweeps his hand across his desk and knocks a stack of papers to the floor]
Butters: [lets out a] Eeeaaaahhhh!
PC Principal: We have a gender war on our hands! Make no mistake, gentlemen! Our community is under attack! And if we don't get to the bottom of it... there's gonna be more students like Eric Cartman... wandering the hallways with no connection to the rest of the world.
Scene Description: The school hallways, later. Cartman walks down the hallway dejected. The kids around him are looking at their phones or talking on them as they go about their usual business. Cartman sees Kevin on his phone and sighs, then continues walking.
Voice: [gruff whisper] Eric. [he looks up. By some exit doors is Heidi]
Cartman: Heidi? Heidi Turner?
Heidi: Come with me.
Cartman: Where? [she turns and walks off to her left]
Scene Description: [The neighborhood streets. Heidi walks, then stops and waits for Cartman]'
Heidi: Join us. [points to a park] here.
Cartman: The park?
Heidi: I know how you feel, Eric. I know how hard it is when school gets out. With no phone, no human contact.
Cartman: [begins to cry] I miss my stuff.
Heidi: Come on. There are others like us here. [guides him into the park. A car appears and slows down]
Driver: Look at them, Martha. Do you see them?
Martha: What are they?
Driver: Lost souls who have quit Twitter. Damned to just wander the earth and hang out and stuff.
Martha: They seem so lonely. [they both look at their phones]
Scene Description: Skeeter's Wine Bar, night. The doors open and Randy rushes in
Randy: Okay, what?! The fuck?! Is wrong with you people?! I just saw a new poll that says more and more of you are thinking about voting for that douche!
Stephen: Some are. A lot of people like what he has to say, alright?
Randy: You're tellin' me that after that debate, you still wanna vote for that guy?!
Stephen: More than ever.
Ryan Valmer: Yyyup.
Randy: Did you see the same debate I saw?!
Stephen: Don't you get it, Randy? There's people in this country who are sick and tired. Tired of hearing all the rhetoric. Tired of Washington failing us while they pat their own backs. Finally someone comes along and says what he feels. That's why people like him. You can say what you want, at least he doesn't sound like another politician.
Scene Description: [Douche 2016 campaign rally at Pepsi Center. Garrison is speaking]'
Garrison: America, please listen to me. I have no idea how to be President. I am a complete jackass, and I have made a giant mistake here. [the crowd cheers his honesty, which stuns him] Nononono, nononono, why are you clapping? I'm not a good person for the White House. I am not a good person, period.
Man: Finally, someone who doesn't talk like a politician.
Garrison: I am peeing my pants... at the thought of being President, okay? [more cheers go up] No! Shut up! Listen to me! [the crowd quiets down] You don't want a guy like me in the White House! You don't even wanna know the shit I've done!
Random Person: Wooohooo!
Garrison: I have scissored with another woman when I had a sex change!
Man 2: He's so honest!
Garrison: No, no! I'm not the guy you want going to Russia to negotiate with Putin. I'll probably end up gettin' drunk and tryin' to suck his dick. [more cheering. He turns away from the mic] OHHHH JEEEZ
Scene Description: [Ike's room, day. Gerald peeks in and sees him at the computer.]'
Gerald: Ike, got a minute? [enters and sits on Ike's bed] Let's talk, buddy. [Ike pauses his game and goes to his bed] You know, the school really wants us to keep talking to our kids about trolling on the Internet and how serious it is. I guess the troll from the school message boards is now harassing a famous Olympic athlete from Denmark, heh. Have you seen this? Have you heard about this? Yeah well, she kinda called him out and said he could never get her to quit social media, and you know, you might say she's askin' for it. But uh, now this troll is being copied by other trolls who are all dog piling to see if they can get her to quit and, well God only knows what they're gonna do tonight. Well, goodnight, pal. You be sure to let your mom know we talked more about the horrific consequences of trolling. [steps outside, then leans back and smiles at Ike, then leaves and closes the door]
Scene Description: The park, day. Heidi and Cartman are sitting on a bench while a duck stands on the ground before them.
Heidi: I want to tell you... that I'm sorry.
Cartman: For what?
Heidi: When women first started getting trolled on the school message boards. I was sure it was you. I was wrong.
Cartman: You weren't the only one. I guess I didn't deserve a second chance. I really tried to make changes. I really tried to become a better person. To sh-show that I was trying to listen.
Heidi: So when you held the assembly that woman were just as funny as men, you... you weren't being sarcastic?
Cartman: [earnestly] Women are funny, Heidi. Get over it. Every time Amy Schumer talks about her vagina, I lose my fuckin' mind.
Heidi: Do you miss your friends?
Cartman: I don't have any friends. I don't know if I ever did.
Heidi: You do now. [smiles at him]
Cartman: Kewl.
Scene Description: [Douche 2016 campaign rally at Pepsi Center. Garrison is speaking]'
Newt Gingrich: Hello Florida! Please put your hands together and welcome the next President of the United States! [makes way for Mr. Garrison]
Garrison: I hate all of you so much.
Random Person: Yeah!
Garrison: I seriously hold so much contempt for each and every one of you pieces of shit. [cheers] If you vote me in as President I'll seriously throw up and have lost all faith in humanity. [more cheers]
Randy: [watching on TV] I agree.
Garrison: I don't wanna be here. Please just let me go. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know anything. I'm scared. I'm completely clueless how to proceed. I just... spew bullshit and cry myself to sleep at night. Stop thinking that I'm anything more than a douche in over his head. For fuck's sake, please.
Randy: Shit, I'm startin' to really like this guy.
Scene Description: Skeeter's Wine Bar, day.
CNN Anchor: And after stating that he was not fit to be President, Secretary Clinton responded with "My opponent is a liar and he cannot be trusted."
Patron: I am so confused.
CNN Anchor: In other news tonight, Danish gold medalist Freja Øllengård is the apparent victim of extreme trolling once again. [Gerald walks into the bar and watches the report]
Gerald: Oh. Eh hey, can you turn that up?
CNN Anchor: The athlete from Denmark has been the target of relentless online attacks that began with the troll skankhunt42. [Gerald smiles and looks around to see if anyone has figured out it was him who's the troll] Last night the trolling took a vicious turn when Freja Øllengård finally succumbed to the pressure and committed suicide. [Gerald's smile vanishes.]
Field Reporter: Paul, Danish women's volleyball champion Freja Øllengård has been pronounced dead outside her apartment in Copenhagen. [there's fear in Gerald's face] The four-time girls' medal winner took her own life after jumping 17 floors off the balcony of her building. [footage is shown of her doing this, with a klieg light focused on her all the way down. She lands on a car and shatters, blood going all over the place. The car's alarm turns on]
Paul: Freja Øllengård, dead at the age of 38. [Quickly, Gerald runs to the restroom and into a stall. A patron watches him enter and continues doing so until the scene ends]
Gerald: [on the toilet seat] Oh my God! Oh shit! Oh shit oh my God! Oh God oh no-oohh!
Scene Description: [The Stotch house. Someone knocks on the door and Stephen goes to answer it.]'
Randy: I was wrong, Stephen, I'm votin' for your guy.
Stephen: [surprised] What?
Randy: It's just... [walks in] I see what you mean. He talks like an ordinary person. And he has a lot of the same emotions I do, you know? He's got my vote.
Stephen: Are you out of your fuckin' mind?
Randy: [turns around] What?
Stephen: You wanna vote for that douche?! He'll ruin this country!
Randy: You were just voting for him yesterday!
Stephen: Yeah, but not anymore!
Randy: What happened??
Stephen: I don't know.
Randy: What the hell is wrong with people?! You just don't flip back and forth like that?!
Stephen: You just did.
Randy: [processes that reply] ...I did. What's going on, Stephen? Why does everything suck this hard?
Stephen: I don't know. Nobody knows what to think anymore.
Randy: But how did we get here? Completely confused and with shit for choices? It's like... it's like there are other forces at work.
Stephen: I'm just tired of thinkin' about it. Come on, let's relax and' have some member berry pie.
Randy: [thinks a moment] Member berry pie... [drops the thought] Okay, I love member berries. [follows Stephen to the dining room table]
Scene Description: At the table. Randy has served himself a slice of member berry pie.
Berries: 'Member Tattooine? 'Member the torture droid? I 'member? Hi, 'member Goonies? I loooved Goonies. 'Member Chunk? 'Member? 'Member the trash compactor? Oh, the trash compactor.
Randy: [picks some berries up with a spoon, but stops] Wait a minute... [a camera pans away from the Stotch house into space, then moves east to Europe, then zooms in on Denmark.]
Scene Description: Copenhagen, Denmark, at Rosenborg Park. Someone speaks over loudspeakers at Freja Øllengård's funeral outside the cathedral.
Troll Hunter: [in a Danish accent] Citizens of Denmark, we are under attack. As our ancestors did in days long ago, we must rise to defend our families. [Freja's casket is slowly brought to the altar outside the cathedral] A troll has come into our village and taken from us a beloved princess. He then returned to his secret hiding place, crawled back to his little cave, thinking the Danes would simply cry and run. [a mourner sobs] No. What this troll doesn't realize is that we have been planning our own attack. I'm announcing here and to the world that a plan to destroy the troll is underway. For in Denmark there is one thing we have known for centuries. To get the troll to come out of hiding, you must say its name.
Scene Description: Community park in South Park, day. Heidi sits on the bench alone, waiting. Cartman walks up and sits next to her
Heidi: Hey.
Cartman: Hey. [long pause] I was thinking again. About how women are just as funny as men. And then I realized... that the only way to really be sure is to see if African-Americans think they're funny.
Heidi: Why is that?
Cartman: Because, black laughs matter.
Heidi: ...Is that a joke?
Cartman: Yes, it is.
Heidi: I don't get it.
Cartman: Yes, you do. [Heidi just looks downward] Heidi, does it ever get any easier? Living in this world?
Heidi: The hardest part is not having any followers. I used to go places just to show them where I was.
Cartman: You wanna go somewhere? I'll follow you. [Heidi smiles]
Scene Description: Hillvale Farm, day. Organic fruits and vegetable. Pick your own! YES! We Have Member Berries! Randy drives in and reaches the farm house, then steps out of the car.
Jud: Mornin'. How can I help ya?
Randy: Yeah, I have some questions about uh member berries?
Jud: Yeah'. Everyone wants member berries these days. [turns left and walks off] Right over heah. [Randy joins him] Don't know what makes them so popular. I've had to get rid of all mah pumpkins, mah onions and mah peppahs, just to make room for more membah berries. [the voices of member berries get louder as they approach the berry grove. There are berries as far as the eye can see.]
Randy: Oh my God, there's this many?
Berries: 'Member the 80s? Oh, 'member the 90s? Yeah yeah, but 'member the 80s though? Nonono, 'member the 90s?
Scene Description: The supermarket, which is not a Whole Foods Market, day. Gerald walks out with his groceries looking at his phone. He approaches his car, which has a note under a windshield wiper. Gerald notices is, takes it from the wiper, and reads it. "Gerald Broflovski." He opens it, and reads the message inside, written in red marker: "I know who you are." Panicked, Gerald looks around and gets paranoid. He gets into his car quickly.
Gerald: Oh God! Oh God! Oh God! Oh God! Oh God! Protocol Zero. No evidence, clear history. E-mails! delete, delete, delete, erase, erase, trash, trash. [reaches into his glove compartment and pulls out a hammer called "Protocol Zero." He leaves the car with phone and hammer in tow. An elderly woman draw near as he smashes the phone to bits on the roof of his car. Once he's destroyed the phone, he gets into his car and peels out. He rushes home and runs up to his office. He turns on his computer and begins to delete stuff in the Gerald folder he has on there. After that he opens up the computer and pulls out the hard drive. He takes the computer apart, puts it all in a duffel bag and drives to Stark's Pond, where he sets up a portable foot-operated catapult and launches the duffel bag into the pond. He quickly rushes home again and sites next to Sheila on the couch. Sheila just glances at him]
Shelia: I saw Nancy Morris today. She has a different hair color. Again. I swear she doesn't think anyone even notices. Her natural hair color must be clear.
Gerald: [rushed] Our computer's broke.
Shelia: ...What?
Gerald: It broke and I had to throw it away.
Shelia: I thought if a computer isn't working, you try and get it fixed.
Gerald: No now you just throw it away.
Shelia: You had all my recipes on that FileMaker program on your computer.
Gerald: I'll get us a new computer tomorrow. Then I can see if we can pull your recipes up from Ike's computer, and that way we- Ike's computer! Shit! [runs upstairs]
Scene Description: [Ike's room, moments later. Gerald runs in and towards the computer]'
Gerald: Move move move! [pushes Ike out of the way and gets to work] My computer is off the network, and, and this computer didn't mirror that computer, but they did share the same Time Machine schedule, so then, would any of my files be accessible? No, because they didn't know each other's IP addresses. What if you can access my e-mail account from this computer through iCloud? If I go to iCloud, my e-mails are deleted. Good. Except there's a new e-mail. [It's from unknown] That shouldn't have come in. Why would an e-mail to me have come in if I deleted everything? [he reads the e-mail. It says the same thing the note did] "I know who you are." [spins around and points at Ike] You? Do you know who I am? Do you know who I am, Ike?
Ike: No, but I want to, Dad.
Gerald: [thinks of the Biblical sense] Not like that, smartass! [turns back to the computer and works on his account] Delete! Delete the account, not the e-mails! [gets an e-mail: "You have a Google alert!" He clicks OK and reads] "meet me under the freemont bridge. 9 am tomorrow." [panics] Oh God...
Scene Description: M burgers, day. Cartman and Heidi are eating lunch there.
Heidi: You dip your French fries in the sweet & sour sauce?
Cartman: Yeah. It's the best, dude. Try it.
Heidi: [tries it and eats] Wow, that's really good. I'm starting to feel like life isn't gonna be so bad.
Cartman: Yeah. I think I am too. Heidi, can I ask you something?
Heidi: Yeah, of course.
Cartman: Do girls... not have balls?
Heidi: Girls do not have balls, no
Cartman: So when a girl goes to scratch her balls, how does that work? [she wonders why he's asking] I just don't understand what's at the bottom of a vagina.
Heidi: [munches on a fry] Do you want me to show you?
Cartman: ...Holy shiiit.