Scene Description: South Park Elementary, gymnasium, day. A school meeting is called and kids file in. Between two basketball backboards hangs a blue banner with the words "BUTT OUT!" The O doubles as a no-smoking symbol. There's plenty of chatter in the gym.
Mr. Mackey: [off-screen] M'kay, kids, can I have it quiet, please? M'kay? M'kay, quiet now, the assembly's about to start, m'kay. M'kay, quiet ple-mk-m'kay? [Mr. Garrison approaches him, takes the microphone and puts it against one of the massive speakers, creating a loud feedback loop. The kids scream in pain as Mr. Garrison returns the mic to Mr. Mackey.] M'kay. Uh, now kids, we have a really fun motivational group today who are gonna talk to you about the dangers of smoking, m'kay? So please give a very big South Park Cows welcome to, "Butt Out!" [music starts up and a very enthusiastic troupe dashes out from behind the speakers and multi-screen monitor. After some chatter they begin to sing]
Butt Out!: Butt out! Yeah yeah! Kids, that cigarette butt is gross! Butt out! Uh huh! Smokin's got to go! [the music stops and the troupe members strike poses]
Kyle: [rolls his eyes] Oh no...
Butt Out!: Yeah! All right! Woohoo!!
Butt Out! lady: Hey students, how are we all feelin' today? Woooo! [not a sound emanates from the student audience]
Butt Out! man 1: [steps forth] Hey, did you guys know that each year over six hundred thousand people a year die from smoking? A year!
Butt Out! man 2: [steps forth] Six hundred thousand?? Are you sure you're not just blowing smoke? [the troupe members laugh]
Butt Out! lady: Blow smoke? Us? No way! Because we don't need to smoke and neither do you, right kids? Butt out! Break it down! [a rap begins. The third male trouper becomes a human beat box.]
Butt Out!: Butt out! Yeah yeah! It's cool to say no! Butt out! Uh huh! Smokin's got to go!
Butt Out! man 3: [steps forward and begins his beat box, just a bunch of utterances including] Smoking, no. No smoking. [ends his bit and backs up]
Butt Out! man 2: Freestyle!
Butt Out! lady: Vernon! [The first of the Butt Out! males steps forth while the third one resumes his beat box]
Vernon: Don't smoke! Don't ever smoke!
Butt Out!: Kyle! [Vernon steps back into the line, the second But Out! male steps forth]
Butt Out!'s Kyle: B to the U to the T to the T to the O to the U to the T to the C to the I to the G to the A to the R to the E to the T to the T to the E! Butt out, cigarette!
Kyle: Dude, this is unbearable.
Cartman: I'm going to kill myself. [return to the rap, which soon ends and Butt Out!'s Kyle goes back in line]
Butt Out!: Randy!
Butt Out!'s Randy: [steps forth] Smoke you know has got to go. You go, you got to know to say the "no" to the smoke, you go go.. [Stan holds his nose, grimaces and sighs heavily] ... you gotta get it!
Butt Out!: Pam!
Pam: [steps forth and makes like a diesel truck pulling to a stop. In a screeching voice she says] Dooooonttt smooooke.
Butt Out!: Woohoo! [she goes back into the line]
Cartman: You guys, Kenny's eating his own hand. [Kenny's chewing on his left hand. Stan and Kyle are half asleep]
Butt Out!'s Kyle: Hey! What's the big deal? I like smoking, and it makes me cool! [turns his hat around so it's on backwards, and strikes a pose]
Pam: Oh, really?? Do you think lung cancer is cool, too?? [Butt Out!'s Kyle strikes a surprised pose]
Butt Out!'s Randy: What about emphysema?? Is that cool?? [Butt Out!'s Kyle clasps his hands together]
Vernon: And what about abortion, and AIDS? [Butt Out!'s Kyle slumps]
Butt Out!'s Randy: Pfft! That's none's the cool.
Pam: Word.
Vernon: Yeah. So butt out! [Butt Out!'s Kyle turns his hat back around]
Butt Out!: Butt out! Yeah yeah! Give that cigarette butt a throw!
Stan: [rolls eyes] Ugh, Jesus Christ! [Cartman has his hands buried in his face]
Butt Out!: Butt out! Uh huh! Smokin's got to go!
Vernon: Remember, kids, if you smoke, you could grow up to be a failure.
Pam: Worse yet, you could grow up to be dead. [collapses into Vernon's arms. He stands her up again]
Butt Out!'s Kyle: So don't believe what those evil tobacco companies tell you!
Butt Out!'s Randy: Yeah, because if you don't smoke, you can grow up to be-
Butt Out!: [strikes one final pose] Just Like Us. [the boys look at each other, not quite sure what to make of that]
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, loading area. The boys are there next to a trash bin, smoking ... and coughing.
Stan: Give me a hit. Give me another one, give me another one. [takes a cigarette from Kyle's pack, lights up, and puffs]
Kyle: Aw dude, this is really hard.
Cartman: Oh shit, here comes Mr. Mackey. [the boys quickly turn away and toss the cigarettes and lighter into the trash bin]
Kyle: Throw 'em away! [the boys' faces are red. Kyle glances back] Dudes, here he comes. Guys, stop coughing. [the boys stifle their coughs as Mr. Mackey draws near.]
Mr. Mackey: [stops, then walks around to face the boys] Boys, what are you doing back here? [the boys try their best to keep their coughs in check] I asked you a question: What are you doing back here, 'k?!
Cartman: [in clipped tones] Nothing.
Mr. Mackey: What??
Cartman: Nothin' Na- Due-nothing. [moments later Stan sneezes, and a large amount of snot ends up on his face and jacket]
Kyle: [looks] D'awww sick! [Stan coughs and tries to cover his mouth]
Cartman: Gross dude! [with the stifles broken, the boys resume coughing]
Mr. Mackey: Well hey, if I didn't know any better, I'd think you boys have been smoking!
Cartman: No... No, Mr. Mackey... We don't have any cigarettes.
Mr. Mackey: Well you'd better not! Because let me tell you some'n' about smokin'! [a burst of flame appears in the trash bin] Uh, smokin's bad, m'kay. [the boys look a bit alarmed] And uh, if you start smokin' at an early age, m'kay, it's gonna be bad. [the wall behind the bin and one of the posts holding up the awning over the loading dock burst into flame. The boys are getting scared. More of the wall bursts into flames and the flames begin to enter classrooms] M'kay, because uh, smoking can lead to all kinds of health problems like cancer. [the rest of the awning bursts into flames and flames appear at the bottom of the roll-away security door] M'kay, and let me tell you something about cancer, m'kay. Cancer's bad. M'kay, and uh, eh, what? [sniffs] What the? [turns around] Holy shit! M'kay?! [the fire alarm goes off and the school empties out the front door. Mr. Garrison, Mr. Adler, Ms. Choise, and Mr. Slave are all seen]
Mr. Slave: Oh! Jesus Christ! [time-lapse a few hours. The school has been gutted by the flames and firefighters clean up. Police are present for crowd control. Mr. Mackey is none too pleased]
Stan: ...Whoops.
Scene Description: The Principal's office, Only the door and the desk remain. The bookshelves are burnt up except for the bottom shelf. The cabinets are charred. The desk is charred and two of its legs are burnt off.
Principal Victoria: [seated behind her desk] Well, you boys have certainly done it this time!
Cartman: We're sorry.
Principal Victoria: Not as sorry as you're going to be when your parents get here! Ah, here they come now. [sure enough, their parents can be seen approaching through the ruins]
Kyle: Oh God... [looks down. One of the parents knocks.]
Principal Victoria: Come on in. [Randy opens the door and the parents enter]
Sharon: Stanley, what did you do this time?!
Principal Victoria: You'd better brace yourself, parents. The boys were caught... smoking!
Sheila: Smoking?
Sharon: No, it can't be! My son is not a filthy smoker! [begins to sob. Randy holds her]
Stan: Mom... [Randy holds her tight] Dad, it was just a-
Randy: I don't have a son!
Liane: Eric, you've done a lot of horrible things in your life, but smoking? You're grounded for three weeks!
Cartman: Three weeks?! Are you fucking kidding me?
Gerald: Haven't you boys heard anything about how harmful smoking is to you and those around you?
Sheila: Of course they haven't, because the tobacco companies have gotten to them first. This is really their fault.
Kyle: [seizing the opportunity] Yeah. This is really their fault.
Sheila: No matter how much money the anti-smoking groups spend, the tobacco companies are there to fill our children's heads with lies and propaganda that make them wanna smoke.
Cartman: [agreeing] Yeah, huh? [launches into a small demonstration] It-it's like the tobacco companies have control of my mind- No. Must. Fight it. Tobacco companies... making me want to smoke. Ah!
Liane: Oh my goodness, I had no idea. [kneels next to him] Are you okay, sweetie?
Randy: Well, those God-damned tobacco companies aren't gonna have control over MY kid! I say we bring them down!
Sheila: We need the help of the greatest anti-smoking celebrity that ever lived. Rob Reiner.
Kyle: [to Stan] Who's Rob Reiner?
Scene Description: Rob Reiner's Smoke Stoppers, day. A blue skyscraper flanked by two taller blue towers, with the Hollywood sign in the background. Inside, Rob Reiner speaks to four executives, but he's facing the window. He's reading from some papers.
Rob Reiner: [breathless, dabs his forehead] I don't understand it. I pushed a law for higher taxes on cigarettes, I lobbied to get images of cigarettes removed from movies and art, I forced smokers out of bars and parks, but still I get letters from parents saying their kids are doin' it. [puts the papers on the desk, unwraps a triple cheeseburger, starts eating it, and sits down at his desk] Apparently, people still don't understand how bad smoking people is for them. Don't they know how dangerous it is to their health? [dabs his forehead] Don't they know the hazard of second-hand smoke?
Executive 1: According to the letter, sir, the town has a tobacco company quite near them.
Rob Reiner: Yeah, that must be it. [dabs his forehead] The tobacco companies, with their millions of dollars and their slick desks and fancy buildings, [the camera pulls out to show the slick desk and fancy building Reiner is in. Reiner dabs his forehead again] they're the ones making music wanna smoke! [dabs his forehead again, opens another triple cheeseburger and begins munching on that] They're the ones hurting our nation's health! I will not stand by and see the children of America corrupted by those bastards! [dabs his forehead] This is war!!
Scene Description: South Park City Hall, day. People have gathered to greet Reiner when he arrives, and some people have signs saying the same thing as the banner. Other signs say "THANKS ROB!!", "Welcome MEATHEAD!" and "Give 'em hell REINER!" Stan and friends wait by the front door.
Kyle: You guys, maybe we should come clean right now and tell everyone that it wasn't the tobacco companies that made us want to smoke.
Stan: What??
Cartman: Why? It's perfect. If everyone's blaming the tobacco companies, then nobody's blaming us.
Stan: Yeah, what's the problem?
Kyle: Well it's just that, eh, this seems like another one of those times when things are gonna get way out of hands, you know? It's been happening a lot lately. How about this time we just put a stop to it right now?
Cartman: Dumbass, you don't wanna be grounded for three weeks, do you?
Stan: Yeah, don't worry dude. Things aren't gonna get out of hand.
Mr. Garrison: Here he comes! [Two Smoke Stoppers vans and a big rig pull up to City Hall. Rob Reiner follows in a Cadillac, which stops at the walkway leading up to the front door. Reiner opens the door and tries to get out, but he's too big to fit through.]
Rob Reiner: [after a few grunts] Damnit. [struggles some more, but fails to move any] Butter! [the driver glances back] Butter! [the driver exits the car and walks around the front]
Mr. Garrison: What'd he say?
Rob Reiner: Butter!! [the driver arrives with a bucket of butter. Rob Reiner grabs a bunch of it and butters himself up. The driver leaves with the butter as Reiner rubs the last of it against the seat of his pants. Reiner struggles once more and pops out of the car, falling to the ground. He stumbles, then rises and stumbles again. This time he stands up and raises his hands in victory. This raises his sweater, and his belly is exposed. He notices this and lowers his sweater. He raises his hands again and his sweater rises. He lowers his hands and walks up to the dais. The mic transmits his breathlessness as he dabs his forehead. His cheeks are rosy from the heat leaving his head] Hello South Park!! [the crowd cheers, the boys look at each other] It is so nice to see an entire town come together to fight for good health! And I'm gonna help ya! [the crowd cheers] These poor innocent children have been seduced into smoking tobacco. So I say, "We fight fire with fire!" We're gonna use these children to bring the tobacco companies down! [someone shoots some confetti in the air and it rains down over everybody.]
Kyle: Oh no...
Scene Description: The town bar. Reiner sits at a booth with the boys, feverishly eating. A waitress comes up with a platter of cheeseburgers and fries.
Rob Reiner: Alright kids, here's what we're gonna do. [the waitress replaces a cleared platter with the newly loaded one] We're gonna sneak you into the tobacco company by saying you kids want a tour for a school paper. [begins eating the burgers and dabs his head] Once you're inside, mm, mm, I'm gonna take photos and then we'll publish them, saying that the tobacco company invited you over to seduce you into smoking. Got it?
Cartman: Got it! [Stan and Kyle look at each other]
Kyle: But... isn't that, kind of, lying?
Rob Reiner: Uh, we're just leveling out the playing field. [dabs his forehead] The tobacco companies lie to you about the dangers of smoking. If we're gonna take them down, we've gotta lie right back! [begins to sniff around after detecting cigarette smoke, then focuses in on the source. The boys look as well. The source is a man wearing a Buds Light Beer hat, enjoying a drink and a smoke at the bar] Oh my God! [coughs loudly, but fails to get the man's attention. He rises from the booth and walks up to the smoker] Excuse me!
BUDS man: Yes?
Rob Reiner: Would you mind putting that death stick out?!
BUDS man: But, uh, this is a bar.
Rob Reiner: Isn't smoking illegal in bars here?
Bartender: Not in Colorado.
Rob Reiner: Oh my God! What kind of backward hick state is this?!
BUDS man: Look man, I work fourteen hours a day at the saw mill. I just got off work and I need to relax.
Rob Reiner: Well when I relax I just go to my vacation house in Hawaii!
BUDS man: [getting irritated] I ain't got a vacation house in Hawaii!
Rob Reiner: Your vacation house in Mexico, then, whatever it is! Look, you are putting my life and these boys' lives in danger by smoking that in here! And I'm not gonna tolerate it! I will end smoking in bars in Colorado! There will be no more smoking here!
Scene Description: Back at the table...
Cartman: [impressed] Isn't he awesome, you guys?
Kyle: What??
Cartman: Dude, he just goes around imposing his will on people. He's my idol. [pics up an onion ring and munches on it]
Scene Description: Big Tobacco Co., day. Reiner and the boys approach the front door.
Rob Reiner: [turns to face the boys] All right boys, just do what I tell ya and we'll be able to sue this tobacco company for two billion dollars! [pulls out a drumstick from his sack and starts eating it] As soon as we get into the main facility, I'll snap the photo of you kids, and we can all run out! Think you can handle it?
Cartman: Handle it? For two billion dollars I'd handle my grandpa's balls, sir.
Rob Reiner: Heh, great. [opens the sack and pulls out a costume] Okay, now watch yourselves, kids. These tobacco company people will do anything to get you hooked on smoking. They are liars and they are frauds!
Scene Description: Big Tobacco Co., headquarters. A door opens and closes.
Receptionist: Can I help you?
Rob Reiner: [now dressed in the costume he pulled out] Yes. My name is Rita Poon. I called about my boys wanting a tour.
Executive: [enters the scene] Ah, yes, Mrs. Poon. My name's Kevin Harris and I'm the vice president of Big Tobacco.
Rob Reiner: Oh. Hello, Mr. Harris.
Kevin Harris: Well, come on in. [motions the group to a hallway, which they enter] How about a little history first? [stops by a portrait of Indians seated around a campfire] Native Americans were the first to cultivate the tobacco plant. They smoked it in pipes for medicinal and ceremonial purposes.
Rob Reiner: [mutters] Not if I were around, they wouldn't have.
Kevin Harris: Excuse me?
Rob Reiner: Oh, nothing! Please continue.
Kevin Harris: The first successful commercial crop of tobacco was cultivated in Virginia in 1612. [stops by a portrait of Pilgrims harvesting the crop] Within seven years it was one of the country's largest exports.
Kyle: So, tobacco helped to build America.
Kevin Harris: That's right. Over the next few centuries the tobacco business was so great that many slaves were brought from Africa to help work the fields.
Cartman: [strokes his chin] Which means, if it weren't for tobacco, many of our black friends wouldn't be here today.
Kevin Harris: [moves on] And so for centuries, tobacco production flourished. Nobody was even aware of any dangers back then, until, in 1965, [stops at a framed tobacco warning] when Congress passed an act forcing all tobacco companies to put the Surgeon General's warning on their packages. So now, everyone knows the dangers of smoking. And some people still choose to do it, and we believe that's what being an American is all about.
Kyle: That sounds perfectly reasonable.
Kevin Harris: And here's our factory at work. [opens the double doors to the factory. The workers begin to sing. Some of them scoop tobacco plants into large tanks. Other collect minced leaves into large wheelbarrows, others keep inventory. They break into song and dance near the end of the song]
Factory workers: With a hidey lidey lidey and a hidey lidey lay We work and we make cigarettes all hidey lidey day So folks can get a breaky from their stressful lidey lives And relaxy with the cigarettes we make all day and night
Young worker: I like to have a cigarette every now and then [turns around] It makes me fee-l calmer when the day is at an end. [hops onto the wheelbarrow and rides away]
Older worker: And if it gives me cancer when I'm eighty I don't care Who the hell wants to be ninety anyway.
Factory workers: So with a hidey lidey lidey and a hidey lidey lay We work and we make cigarettes all hidey lidey day So folks can get a breaky from their stressful lidey lives And relaxy with the cigarettes we make all day and night
Kevin Harris: Well, I guess that's the end of our tour.
Rob Reiner: Oh, here boys. Let me get your picture. [the boys turn around and Reiner takes the picture] Got it! Ha! You bastards are going down now!
Kevin Harris: What??
Rob Reiner: I'm not Rita Poon! I'm Rob Reiner! [takes off the wig] And you've just been Reinered! Come on boys, let's make our escape! [makes a dash for the exit. A worker with a cart of cases of cigarettes is gong about his business] Don't you try and stop us! [he smacks the worker, who goes down cold. He runs further on and picks up another worker over his head, then throws him down onto the floor below. The other workers panic]
Kevin Harris: [looks down at the mayhem] Oh my God!
Scene Description: Temporary Smoke Stoppers offices, night. Reiner and the boys arrive.
Rob Reiner: Hoh boy, that was great, kids.
Stan: Those people at the tobacco company all seem really nice.
Rob Reiner: Hah, you see that? They got into your head. Now you kids can meet some good, decent people, the folks who work to get smoking banned!
Scene Description: Temporary Smoke Stoppers offices, interior. The workers there walk around like zombies, or Igor, Dr. Frankenstein's helper. They make grunts as they pass each other. The woman runs off and the man chases after her.
Rob Reiner: [walks across the room towards a table laden with burgers] This is how we get rid of smokers. [approaches and grabs a burger] We go state to state and do things like, use bogus studies and make extensive commercials to get the public on our side and force cigarette smokers to stop!
Cartman: Wow. It's like, it's like, smoking brings a lot of people just a little bit of joy and, and you get to take that away from them. [cuddles up to Reiner] You are so awesome.
Rob Reiner: [walks up to an employee and hands him the camera. The worker hooks it up to his computer] Here you go Bob. [Explains to the boys] This is Mr. Baffrey. He does all our Photoshop work. [the screen is shown with a picture loading behind a download progress bar] Now, all we have to do is Photoshop cigarettes into your hands! [Baffrey places cigarettes into the boys' hands] And bingo! When this hits the papers the tobacco company is screwed! Hahahaha! [Baffrey joins in the laughter]
Kyle: But dude, you're making stuff up.
Rob Reiner: [munching on another burger] You kids need to understand something, okay? Sometimes lying is okay. Like, when you know what's good for people more than they do.
Cartman: Oh my God, that is what I've always said. [motions to Reiner] I love this guy!
worker: [walks in with a news feed] Mr. Reiner, your bill to have smoking outlawed at bars here didn't pass.
Rob Reiner: What?! [grabs the news feed the worker was holding] God-damnit, what the hell is wrong with people in this state?!
worker: Apparently, several people here still believe there's no proof second-hand smoke can kill you.
Rob Reiner: Well they want proof?! All right, we'll give them proof! Boys, I need one of you to act in a commercial for us! We'll shoot it tomorrow!
Cartman: [eagerly] Wow, a commercial?
Rob Reiner: And you boys decide which one of you will be best for the part. All right people, we've gotta get moving on the bill to ban smoking in Potsdam! Let's go!
Cartman: God, he's just the best! [rushes off to follow Reiner] Mr. Reiner, can I get you a muffin? O-or a cold drink, perhaps?
Scene Description: Outside the tent. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny rush out of there and stop some distance away from it.
Kyle: Guys, I think we should bail out of this right now!
Stan: Huh?
Kyle: This is just startin' to look like another one of those times where it-it's gonna end up with the whole town turning out, it's a big showdown happening, and us havin' to talk about what we learned, and I say we just stop right now, and go play cards or something.
Kenny: (Well yep, that's what I think.)
Stan: Yeah, maybe you're right. [Cartman walks out and catches up to the others]
Cartman: So, heh gentlemen, looks like only one of us gets to be in the commercial, huh? Who will it be...? Gentlemen, the game is on!
Kyle: Go ahead. We don't wanna be in their stupid commercial.
Cartman: [confused] Huh? Oh, I get it, Kyle. That's your Serbian Jew double bluff. Make me think you don't care about being in the commercial so that maybe I won't either. Ooops. didn't work, did it, Kyle?
Kyle: No, we really want nothing more to do with these people.
Cartman: Sure you don't, Kyle. Oh, and neither do I. Oh, I know what you're gonna say next. You're gonna say, "How about none of us show up tomorrow to do it?" And then I'm supposed to agree so that tomorrow you can waltz in all by yourself and do the commercial. That's Serbian Jew double bluff and it ain't [poke] gonna [poke] work [poke] on [poke] me [poke] ha [poke] ha [poke] ha [poke]. Only one of us can be in the commercial, gentlemen. The game... is on. [leaves]
Scene Description: Kyle's house, night. Cartman climbs up to the second story and opens a window at the end of the hallway. He carries with him a bunch of lumber, a hammer, and some nails. He approaches Kyle's door and gets to work hammering the lumber in place over the door.
Cartman: Sorry Kyle, but I'm afraid only one of us will be showing up to do the commercial tomorrow! Hahahaha! Thought you had me with your Serbian Jew double bluff, didn't you?! Well let's see you try to open this door now. [Cartman forgets that hallway doors open in to their respective rooms] Hahahahaha! Haa haa hahahahahaha! Haa haa haha- [Kyle appears next to him with a glass of water]
Kyle: What are you doing? [Cartman snaps his head around and looks]
Cartman: [drops his hammer in this awkward moment] Oh... Hello, Kyle. Oh man. Wait, this isn't my house.
Kyle: Cartman, you go ahead and do the commercial tomorrow. But I'm warning you, those anti-smoking people are liars and they're bullies who will stop at nothing to get what they want, and that means they're dangerous. [walks around Cartman, opens the door, goes under lumber obstruction, enters the bedroom, then closes the door. Cartman is a bit surprised]
Cartman: Hahahahahaha! [resumes hammering] Nice try, Kyle! Let's see you try to get through the door now! Haa haa hahahahaha!
Scene Description: Temporary Smoke Stoppers offices, day. Cartman is at the photo shoot getting makeup, being prepped for the shot.
Rob Reiner: Okay Eric, this is going to be real simple. All you gotta do is read the words on the Teleprompter here. [motions to the monitor to his right, which has the Teleprompter ready to go]
Cartman: [giddily] Heh, okay. [the make-up crew leave]
Rob Reiner: Let's see how the tobacco companies deal with this. [settles into his director's chair] All right, roll camera. Roll the TelePrompTer. And whenever you're ready, Eric.
Cartman: Heh, okay, okay. [takes a deep breath, then strikes a somber pose] You know, some people say there's no proof that second-hand smoke kills. The tobacco companies say there's no proof that second-hand smoke kills. I've just been diagnosed with terminal lung cancer. I guess... I'm the proof. The next time you want to believe that second-hand smoke doesn't kill, think about me. Because, by the time you see this commercial, I'll be... dead. [takes a closer look at that last line, then looks at Reiner] Dead??
Rob Reiner: And cut! Great! We got it! Wrap it up, people. That was fantastic.
Cartman: Uh what... what does that mean, "I'll be dead"? Hey, uh what, what was that "dead" part?
Scary Assistant: That was very good, Eric. Here, eat this cupcake.
Cartman: Uh, nnno, thanks. I'm not hungry.
Scary Assistant: But you are. Just eat this one cupcake. It has... sprinkles.
Cartman: [pushes the cupcake away] I'm not eating the cupcake.
Rob Reiner: [approaches Eric] Eric, do you know what a hero is? A hero is somebody who sacrifices himself for the good of others. You can be a hero, Eric. All you have to do... is eat the cupcake. [the scary assistant moves it towards Eric's mouth again]
Cartman: [realizes what the words he said mean and bolts from the stool] Jesus Christ! HAAAA!
Rob Reiner: [gives chase] Hey! [Eric runs out a side door, Reiner follows close behind]
Scene Description: Stan's house. The other boys are in the dining room playing cards. Cartman opens the door, runs in, and closes it quick. He then goes to a window and looks to see if he's being followed.
Stan: What are you doing, Cartman?
Cartman: They're going to kill me! [walks to the other window and looks out]
Kyle: Who's going to kill you?
Cartman: The anti-smoking people! They had me say I died from second-hand smoke and... now they want to sacrifice me to make it look real! They'll stop at nothing!!
Stan: [pushes away from the table] Well, get away from us then.
Kyle: Yeah dude, don't get us killed too. [the boys leave the table]
Cartman: [draws close] You guys have to help me!
Kyle: [the other boys back away] No dude, get away!
Cartman: [draws close] Please, you guys, I don't know what to do!
Stan: Stop it, Cartman! Go die on your own!
Cartman: If I go, you guys go!
Stan: Daaaad!
Randy: [enters from the kitchen] What?
Stan: Anti-smoking people are trying to kill Cartman and he won't stay away from us!
Randy: Don't be ridiculous, boys. The anti-smoking people are kind, caring, and intelligent. Your heads have just been corrupted by the lies of the big tobacco companies. [turns around and goes back into the kitchen]
Cartman: Hey, maybe that's it, you guys. Maybe the tobacco company can help us! [the boys keep their distance]
Stan: Help you, fatass! We weren't in the commercial, remember?
Kyle: Yeah! Go to the tobacco company yourself!
Cartman: Well that's fine. I thought you guys were my friends, but I guess I was wrong! [crosses his arms]
Kyle: Yeah dude. You were totally wrong.
Kenny: (Uh huh.)
Cartman: You guys, I am seriously gettin' pissed off heh! Now come on, we're goin' to the tobacco company!
Stan: [yielding] Oh all right.
Kyle: No! What we really should do is go to our parents right now and take responsibility for smoking ourselves. Even if it means getting grounded.
Stan: Why?
Kyle: Because, if we go to the tobacco company, I know exactly what'll happen. They'll take us in, and then Rob Reiner will show up with all the townspeople, holding torches or something, and there'll be a big showdown until we talk about what we learned, and change everyone's minds - this is all following a formula!
Stan: So it's either deal with all that, or be grounded for three weeks. [all the boys stroke their chins]
Scene Description: Big Tobacco Co., night. The town arrives with all the townspeople carrying torches and clamoring.
Kyle: God-damnit! [Cartman hides behind Mr. Harris upon seeing Rob Reiner]
Rob Reiner: Give us the child!
Kevin Harris: We will not!
Rob Reiner: There, you see that?! The tobacco company won't give us the kid! And do you know why?! Because they know that if they give us that kid, then we'll kill him! And when our commercial goes on the air, it will lose them business!
Townspeople: Yeah! Yeah, that's right!
Mr. Mackey: [suddenly realizes] Wait a minute, what?
Rob Reiner: Yeah. When we kill the kid, people are gonna think it's because of second-hand smoke! And then these bastards are all gonna make money, and they know it! [crowd goes silent]
Randy: Wha- what the hell is wrong with you? That's not right.
Rob Reiner: Oh, God-damnit, do I have to explain this again?! Smoking is bad, people! So if we have to be a little extreme to stop it, it's okay!
Kyle: No it isn't, you fat turd! Because, I've learned something today. You just hate- [to Stan] See, I knew it.
Stan: Yup.
Kyle: You just hate smoking, so you use all your money and power to force others to think like you. And that's called fascism, you tubby asshole!
Rob Reiner: God-Damnit There'll be no more smoking!!
Stan: It wasn't the tobacco companies' fault that we smoked. It was our fault, us! We should all take personal responsibility instead of letting fat fascists like him tell us what to do!
Mr. Mackey: You're right, boys, m'kay?
BUDS man: Yeah. Let smokers smoke.
Townspeople: Yeah!!
Mr. Garrison: Hey Mr. Reiner, why don't you Butt Out! [they all laugh]
Rob Reiner: [holding a big slice of chocolate cake] I'm warning you: don't mess with anti-smoking groups!
Cartman: [approaches Reiner] I don't idolize you anymore, asshole! [takes the fork Reiner was holding and jabs it into his belly, Reiner begins to deflate as fat gushes out of the punctures Cartman made with the fork]
Rob Reiner: My goo! My precious goo! [apparently, there were no bones there. All that's left of Reiner is a puddle of fat and the skin it was all in. Cartman returns to the other boys, and the parents gather around them]
Sheila: So Kyle, it wasn't the tobacco company that made you wanna smoke?
Kyle: No.
Sheila: Well then, you are grounded, mister!
Liane: You too, Eric.
Cartman: Aw awww!
Scene Description: Added in later showings of the episode.
Stan: Well, I guess we learned our lesson.
Kyle: No we didn't, dude! No we didn't! [walks off]


Scene Description: South Park Elementary playground, recess or lunch. The camera pans across the playground and settles on two teams of seven players each. A football lies on the ground between the two groups. The group left of the football consists of Stan, Kyle, Cartman, Kenny, Butters, Token, and Clyde. The second includes Craig, Tweek, Kevin, Pip, and three others
Stan: All right, you guys, it's first down. I'll hike the ball on the third "set hut!" Kyle and Cartman, go deep post out. Kenny, run a slant down the middle. Butters, be ready for the screen.
Cartman: Right. What are we playing again?
Stan: Football.
Cartman: Got it. [the teams get into position]
Stan: Okay. 23! [Bebe appears behind him and taps him on the shoulder] Blue, 23! Set hut! Set hut! [Bebe taps him on the shoulder again. Stan turns and looks at her]
Bebe: Wendy breaks up.
Stan: What? [looks let down]
Bebe: Wendy breaks up with you. [turns to walk away. Stan looks on for a few seconds]
Stan: [moves forth to hold her up] Oh whoa, wait a minute. [Bebe turns around] What did I do wrong? I haven't even talked to Wendy for weeks. [This gets the other boys' attention]
Bebe: She just doesn't wanna be with you anymore. She said she still wants to be friends. [the other boys turn to see what's going on]
Cartman: What-ever, Bebe! Like Stan really cares! Just get out of our football game, you stupid skank!
Bebe: Fuck you, fatass! You guys are assholes!
Butters: Oh yeah? Well, at least we have assholes, you dumb girl!
Cartman: Yeh-heah, right!
Bebe: God, you're so stupid! [turns around and walks away]
Cartman: What a whore! [turns around and goes back to the game. The other boys do the same. Stan is too stunned to move]
Kyle: Yeah! Like Stan gives a crap if Wendy breaks up! [The boys get back into their playing positions. A few moments Kyle looks back] Stan? [Clyde looks back, then Cartman]
Cartman: [turns around] Come on, Stan, it's first down still. [Butters looks back, then Kenny. Stan loses heart and walks off slowly, his head hanging low. The other boys look at each other, unsure what to make of that. A montage begins.]
Scene Description: Stan is next seen walking onto a small red stone bridge. The next scene has him walking down the middle of a two-lane road in the rain. He stops to take in the moist air. The next scene has him back on the bridge, looking over the creek with his head on his right hand. On the water he sees a reflection of Wendy walk up to him. She's smiling. He brightens as she approaches. He turns to greet her, but there's no one to greet. He looks back at the creek, then turns around and walks off. The next scene has him at a rainy night sitting on the curb in a run-down part of town, under a working street light, with his face buried in his legs, crying. The last scene has him in his room, sitting on the floor by his bed, looking at a picture of Wendy. He gently strokes the picture, which has Wendy holding a daisy and smiling broadly. On the picture are written the words "I love you forever. Wendy." The image fades to black
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. In the hallway Craig goes to a drinking fountain for a drink of water. Fosse and Dog Poo walk towards the camera. Stan is at the far end watching Wendy open her locker. Stan looks away and walks towards Kyle, who's seated next to his locker reading a book.
Stan: Kyle, will you talk to Wendy for me?
Kyle: [not looking up] Why?
Stan: 'Cause I need to know why she broke up.
Kyle: Aw, dude, come on. I gotta do my science homework.
Stan: [pleading] Dude, please. I might still have a chance to make things work. Please, just go talk to her?
Kyle: [puts his book down and sighs] God damn it! [walks over to Wendy, but avoids eye contact] Wendy, Stan wants to know why you break up. [Wendy turns around]
Wendy: Look, Stan is really nice. I just don't wanna be boyfriend and girlfriend anymore. I've been wanting to break up for a while. but it's, it's nothing against him.
Kyle: 'Kay. [walks back to Stan, but avoids looking at him, as well] She says she's been wantin' to break up for a while, and it's nothing against you.
Stan: What? That's no answer! [nudges him a bit] Go tell her to be more direct with me.
Kyle: [goes for his books and picks them up] No dude, I'm out. Go talk to her yourself. Be poetic. [walks off. Jimmy appears]
Stan: Kyle, this is my life. [points at Jimmy] Jimmy!
Jimmy: Hey Stan.
Stan: Jimmy, will you go talk to Wendy for me?
Jimmy: For- Forw- Forw-w-w what?
Stan: Just go talk to her an, and be poetic. Tell her she's my Muse-no! Tell her, [thinks] tell her... [gestures] she's a con-tinuing source of inspiration to me.
Jimmy: She's what?
Stan: She's a continuing source of inspiration to me.
Jimmy: ...Okay. [walks over to Wendy] Hey uh-Wen, hey wu-Wendy. [she turns around with her books]
Wendy: Yeah?
Jimmy: Stan says you're a cont...[pronouncing as "cunt"] you're a- cont- S-Stan says you're a cont- cont-
Wendy: Well tell Stan to fuck off!! [closes her locker and runs away]
Jimmy: -cont- You're a cont-tinuing source of inspiration to him. [his mission done, he returns to Stan]
Stan: Well?
Jimmy: She just- w-walked away, Stan. You're gonna have to face facts. It's over. [hangs his head for emphasis, then walks off]
Stan: [softly] Over? [walks away dejected. He's next seen in bed, a blanket hung across his window blocking out the outside light. He has his sheets drawn up tight against his chin. A few moments later, Kyle enters with Butters, Cartman, Jimmy and Kenny. Kyle studies his friend.] Jesus...
Butters: We came over to cheer you up, Stan!
Stan: [softly, creaking] ...Go away.
Kyle: Stan, you can't keep doing this to yourself. You have to go live.
Stan: Why? What's the point of living when the only girl I ever loved is gone?
Cartman: God, what a fag!
Kyle: Dude, not now! [Cartman looks down, embarrassed]
Stan: You guys have no idea how this feels. It's like, you always hear songs about a broken heart and you think it's just a figure of speech? But it's true. My chest hurts. I feel this like, sinking feeling where my heart is. It's broken...
Kyle: Jeez, he's worse than I thought.
Butters: Well what do we do now?
Jimmy: Should I try telling him a fa-fantastic joke?
Kyle: No. We just have to show him that there's other girls out there. I say we take him to Raisins.
Butters: What's Raisins?
Scene Description: Next day, Raisins, a Hooters-like restaurant with al-fresco dining. The boys enter the restaurant, and a pretty little girl in a Raisins outfit walks up. Other girls walk around, all seem to work there
Blonde: Hey guys, welcome to Raisins. Six of you? [smiles and grabs some menus from the counter] Right over here. [leads the boys to their table]
Redhead: [waits at a table] So you guys having a good time today?
Diners: [Table 1, say, enthralled] Uh huh...
Blonde 2: [waits at the next table] How about some more fun fries, guys?
Diners: [Table 2, enthralled] Okay... [the waitress at the other end of the table smiles]
Brunette: [at the same table] Boy, am I glad you guys came in. Everyone here is such a loser, but you guys seem really cool.
Blonde: [leaving them at their table] Here you go, guys. Lexus will be right with you.
Kyle: What do you think, Stan. These girls are pretty cute, huh?
Jimmy: Jesus Christ, I think I've died and... gone to... heaven.
Butters: This place is awesome!
Cartman: How do you know? We haven't even tried the food yet.
Lexus: [with flyaway light brown hair] Hey guys.
Butters: Whoa!
Lexus: How are we doing this afternoon?
The boys: Good.
Lexus: I'm so glad you guys came in. Everyone here is such a loser, but you guys seem really cool.
Butters: [amazed] W-we are.
Lexus: So what can I get you?
Cartman: Okay, um, we're gonna get the zingy tangy wings, and mozzarella tasty tarts [Lexus winks at Butters] and uh, OH, and the bite-size pizzazzas, and a pitcher of lemonade.
Lexus: Great. I'll put your order in right now. [strokes Butters' shoulders, which sends shivers of excitement through his body]
Butters: You guys! I think our Raisins girl likes me. She, she touched my back when she walked away. Did you see that?
Lexus: [near the kitchen] Raisins, girls! [sends an order along a conveyor to the kitchen staff]
Blonde 3: Woohoo!
Redhead: Oh Yeah!
Brunette 2: [farther away] Do it!
Kyle: Hey. Hey, look over there, Stan. That Raisins girl is really cute, huh? [a Raisins girl walks by with long black hair] Why don't you say hi to her? [calls out] Excuse me? [motions for her to come over]
Brunette 3: [walks back and to the table] Hi guys. My name's Porsche.
Kyle: Hey. Uh, this is Stan.
Porsche: Oh hey cutie. How are you? I love your hat. I used to have a hat juuust like that, except, it was black and it didn't have a puffball on it. Oh my God, my hands are sooo cold. How come people have hands, anyway? Did you ever wonder that? [Stan looks more and more miserable with every word coming out of her mouth.]
Scene Description: Some time later, still dining. The Village People's "YMCA" begins to play, and some Raisins girls begin to dance
Raisins girls: YMCA... [they make the hand signs for the letters. The rest of the diners look over at them and cheer them on] YMCA-A.
Cartman: [really stuffed, with a soiled face] Omigod! You guys... this is the greatest place in the world... [their meals have been served]
Porsche: [still regaling Stan, who hasn't touched his food] Have you ever noticed how much sand there is at the beach? I mean, haven't you ever wondered where all this sand came from? Omigod, this one time, I saw a beetle that was thiiis big. Eeewww!
Stan: Can we go, please?
Kyle: Okay. Okay, come on you guys. [they all hop off their seats and walk off]
Porsche: Oooh my God, thank you guys sooo much for coming to Raisins! [Butters is last to leave]
Lexus: [sees him and stalls him] Oooh, sweetie, are you leaving?
Butters: Well, I don't want to, Lexus, but my stupid friends wanna go.
Lexus: Awww, well, when am I gonna get to see you again??
Butters: When do you wanna see me?
Lexus: [holds on to him] As soon as possible!
Butters: Oh my God! Here, we left you a tip already, but here is another five dollars. [hands her the bill]
Lexus: Oooh, you are such a sweetie. Come here, youuu! [comes around and gives him a full embrace and hugs him]
Butters: [hugs her back] Waa... ahaaah... [the other boys arrive at the entrance]
Raisins girl: Bye, guys! Thanks for coming to Raisins!
Jimmy: Well, Stan. Do you feel, uhb- better now?
Stan: No, dude, I feel worse!
Kyle: Look, we're just trying to show you there's other girls out there.
Stan: Dude, I don't have time to start over with other girls. I'm nine years old, dude! If I don't work things out with Wendy, I could be alone my whole life!
Butters: [catches up to the other boys] She wants to see me again! My Raisins girl said she wants to see me again!
Stan: I can't let Wendy go. This whole time I've been having my friends do all the talking for me. It's time I took control! [turns and opens one of the doors]
Kyle: What are you doing?
Stan: Something I should have done a long time ago. [walks out the door and into the night]
Scene Description: Bebe's house, night. Stan walks towards the front door, looks around, and knocks three times. No response, so he knocks again. The door opens and Bebe appears
Stan: Bebe, you need to go talk to Wendy for me right now! [Bebe rolls her eyes and sighs] All this time I've been trying to have my friends do all the talking for me! Now I realize I need her friends to do it! Tell her I love her!
Bebe: Stan, why don't you show her you love her? If you really want Wendy back, try doing the most romantic thing you can think of.
Stan: [thinks] Okay, so what's the most romantic thing I can think of?
Bebe: If you really want a shot at getting her back, stand outside her window, hold a boombox over your head, and play [closes her eyes] Peter Gabriel.
Scene Description: Wendy's house, night. Stan stands on the lawn with a boombox, looking up at Wendy's window. He presses the play button and holds up the boombox. Peter Gabriel's "Shock the Monkey" plays from somewhere in the middle. Wendy appears at the window and looks down, her jaw dropping. Stan holds the boombox higher, keeping Wendy's gaze on him. Wendy covers her mouth as Token appears next to her at the window. Stan's jaw drops. Wendy leaves the window. Token unleashes the curtain ties, and the curtains close upon the window
Scene Description: Raisins, night, outside. The outside lights turn off. Butters waits outside on the curb with a present. The front door opens and Lexus appears. Butters rises to greet her
Lexus: Okay, Porsche, see you tomorrow. Bye, Mercedes.
Butters: [approaches] Lexus! [she takes a few steps back]
Lexus: Oh. Oh, hi, sweetie.
Butters: I waited all night for you to get off work.
Lexus: Oh, really? [takes a few more steps back] Huhunh, that's great. Uhm, Maury...
Butters: I I just could- I just couldn't stop thinking about you.
Maury: [a huge bouncer] There a problem?
Lexus: Could you uh just help walk me to my- bike?
Maury: Right. [steps up behind her and shoves Butters aside. He keeps his arm in place so Butters doesn't get any closer to Lexus]
Lexus: [to Butters] Thanks again for the big tip. You are such a sweetie. Come back and see me real soon, okay? [moves forward, with Maury close behind]
Butters: Oh wait, Lexus. Jeheez, I almost forgot. Ah I got you this present.
Lexus: [stops and grabs it] Oh wow. Thanks, cutie.
Butters: It's a little stuffed bear dressed as a rabbit. [tries to get closer, but Maury holds him back]
Lexus: Gosh, that's the nicest gift I've gotten all night. Thank you. [reaches her bike] Well I gotta go, honey. Be sure to come back to Raisins and see me again, okaaay? [unlocks her bike from its post]
Butters: [tries to get closer, but Maury him back] Well yeah, but, but, hey, [tries to get closer, but Maury him back] hey Lexus? Well I was thinking, well, I was thinking that we should- go do something sometime.
Lexus: Oh gee, that would be great, honey, but I'm reeeally busy this week. Tell you what: you come back to Raisins and then we'll be able to hang out all we want, okay? [Maury helps her on to her bike]
Butters: O-kay!
Lexus: Bye, cutie!
Butters: Bye, bye darling! [Maury turns and goes back to the restaurant. Butters holds his hands over his heart] Wow... a real-life relationship.
Scene Description: [South Park Elementary, day. All the boys are in various stages of dress. Most of them are in their P.E. uniforms.]
Mr. Garrison: [sternly] All right, kids! Out on the gym floor for P.E. class. [the boys break up and head to their lockers. Stan remains on a bench on his back, alone, with just a towel and his hat on]
Kyle: [returns] Come on, Stan. We're gonna play dodgeball.
Stan: [with emotion in his voice] I can't believe it. She's in love with somebody else.
Kyle: Dude, you need to snap out of this! So Wendy left you for Token. What are you gonna do? Just be miserable your whole life?
Stan: There's nothing else I can do. She was my whole life.
Kyle: Aw, come on, dude! All you've done for the last four days is mope around! You might as well hang out with those Goth kids who dress in black and talk about pain all the time!
Stan: Maybe I should. At least they will understand me. Maybe I should hang with the Goth kids.
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, loading bay. Stan finds the goth kids.
Pete: [with black puffy, feathery hair, streaked in red] Life is pain. Life is only pain. [his hair falls over his right eye, he jerks his head back to put it back in place] We're all taught to believe in happy fairytale endings. [his hair falls over his eye, he jerks his head back] But there's only blackness. Dark, depressing loneliness that [his hair falls over his eye, he jerks his head back] eats at your soul.
Michael: [dressed in something like a tuxedo, sporting a curly pompadour] Who needs that kind of Barbie love, anyway? Everyone's just walking around like a bunch of conformists. Go ahead and wear your business suits so you can make thirty-four thousand dollars a year to buy your condominium. They're all zombies racing to their graves. Love didn't work for my mom and dad. Why should it work for me?
Henrietta: My dad is such an asshole. Drunken bastard doesn't even know I exist. But then he won't let me go to the Skinny Puppy concert because my heroine-addict aunt is coming over for dinner. [takes a puff] Dinner? That's a laugh. Just an excuse for my mom to bitch at me for not wearing girly clothes like all the Britney Spears wannabes at this school.
Firkle: They're all a bunch of Nazi conformists cheerleaders. [Stan looks stunned at the age of this youngest of Goths]
Stan: But if life is only pain, then... what's the point of living?
Pete: Just to make life more miserable for the conformists. [his hair falls over his eye, he jerks his head back]
Stan: All right, so how do I join you?
Michael: If you wanna be one of the non-conformists, all you have to do is dress just like us and listen to the same music we do.
Stan: ...'K.
Scene Description: Raisins, day. Raisins is preparing for a new day of food and fun. Mercedes escorts a new employee around
Mercedes: Okay, I know it's your first day, Ferrari, so I wanna go over the basics with you.
Ferrari: Okay.
Mercedes: First of all, there's a five foot rule. If you come within five feet of a customer, you need to acknowledge them, even if they're not at your table. "Hey, cutie." [waves and winks] When you're not serving food or talking with customers, you need to dance around and have fun. [they stop by a wooden bucket] We use things like Hula Hoops, silly strings, and water guns to play with the other girls. Be sure to giggle a lot, and be sure to show off your raisins. [they leave the bucket] Now, when you take a customer's order, you need to sit down at the table with them and make them think you're interested. Write your name down for them and make them feel special. "Oh man, I am so bored. Thank God you guys came in." If you want good tips, the most important thing is physical contact. Just a simple hold of the arm can mean the difference between five and twenty dollars. "I'll be right back with your order, guys." [holds Ferrari's shoulder]
Ferrari: Wow, thank you so much, Mercedes.
Mercedes: Okay. Well, I guess we're ready to open for business. Good luck. [Ferrari walks off] Go ahead and open for business, Porsche!
Porsche: Okay! [opens the doors and Butters bolts in, quite excitedly]
Raisins girl: Hi, welcome to Raisins!
Butters: Hi! Is Lexus here?
Lexus: Hey, cutie.
Butters: Darling!
Lexus: [hugs him] How are we doing today?
Butters: [hugs back] Oh God. I missed you so much.
Scene Description: Henrietta's room. It's quite the room, with posters for Skippy Puppy and the Nothing Matters tour, a Blauhaus poster, candles all around, a mace on the floor, cigarettes next to a book, an ornate candelabrum and chair, and a darkened atmosphere.
Henrietta: [Reciting her poem] Shallow life. Drowning alone, I gasp for air. Coldness creeps over pale skin. There is sadness so deep it pulls me down Happiness dies in a deep, dark sea.
Pete: Yeah, happiness dies. [his hair falls over his eye, he jerks his head back]
Stan: [dressed all in black, with a black hat with puffball] Yeah.
Michael: All right, your turn, Stan. Read one of your poems about pain.
Stan: [takes up his paper and reads his poem] There is darkness all around me Deep, piercing black, I cannot breathe My heart has been raped.
Henrietta: Whoa.
Stan: [continues] The pain is everlasting. I miss you so much, babe. Want to hold you in my arms again, girl. Want to-
Pete: Whoa, whoa! Dude! Those last two lines aren't Goth!
Stan: They're not?
Michael: No, dude! You can't say "I miss you so much, babe. I want to hold you in my arms."
Henrietta: Make it "I miss seeing you so much I wanna slash my eyes out with razor blades."
Henrietta's mom: [the bedroom door opens and a blindingly invasive amount of light comes in, she looks inside] Henrietta! Hi sweetie!
Henrietta: Go away Mom! Leave me alone!
Henrietta's mom: Daddy and I just got your birthday present! But you can't see what it is till tomorrow!
Henrietta: You'd like to wait till I was dead, wouldn't you? You'd like to see maggots eat my face.
Henrietta's mom: Ee-you are so creative, honey.
Henrietta: Conformist bitch.
Other Goths: Yeah.
Scene Description: Raisins, day. Two of the Raisins girls are entertaining the child customers, who respond enthusiastically. The phone rings and Porsche arrives to answer it.
Porsche: Thanks for calling Raisins. This is Porsche. Have you tried our Double Whammy Wings?
Butters: [seated on his bed in his room. A picture of Lexus is taped to his wall next to the window. The action switches back and forth] Hi. Is Lexus there, please? This is her boyfriend. [Lexus happens to walk by, and Porsche hands her the phone.]
Lexus: Thanks for calling Raisins. This is Lexus.
Butters: Hey Lexus.
Lexus: Hi, sweetie! Who's this?
Butters: Wuh it's me, Butters.
Lexus: Oh, okay. Hi, cutie. [keeps an eye out for passing customers. Three boys walk by and she covers the phone's receiver] Hey sweetie. [lifts her hand from the receiver] So how are you, honey?
Butters: I'm fine. I miss you though. [lays on his back, getting comfortable] Yeah, school was pretty tough today. We had two quizzes, and one of them was a pop quiz. [shot of Lexus pouring lemonade into a pitcher] Sometimes I think our classes are too hard. [back to Butters' room] But I thought about you all day long. I promise. So how is your day going?
Lexus: Good, good.
Butters: Hey, hey sweetie, I was thinking tonight you could come over and we could watch The Exorcist on DVD.
Lexus: Oh, gee, I don't know, cutie. [another Raisins girl comes with glasses to refill, Lexus ] Why don't you just come down to Raisins?
Butters: Oh well, uh I kinda don't have any money left. Unh, I spent it all on Raisins the last six times.
Lexus: [waving to customers] Awww, that's too bad, cutie. I really wanna see you.
Butters: Oh, I really wanna see you too, baby. Eh don't, don't worry. I'll get more money
Lexus: [walks to the phone's base to end the conversation] 'K sugar. Gotta run.
Butters: Uh-okay. Uh, hey, Lexus, well, there's something I've been meaning to say. [Lexus has hung up and is walking away with her pitcher] Here it goes: Lexus, I- Oh jeeze, maybe I shouldn't say it- no wait, I want to say it. I love you. [hangs up quickly and nervously] Heeheee, heh, Oh my God.
Scene Description: Butters' house, living room. Butters arrives there moments later and faces the couch
Butters: Dad, I need an advance on my allowance again.
Stephen: O-hoo no Butters! You got an advance two days ago. [Linda is dusting off the family portrait by the front door.]
Butters: Uh but I spent it all.
Linda: What are you spending all that money on, Butters?
Butters: On my girlfriend.
Stephen: [he and Linda are surprised] Girlfriend?
Linda: You... have a girlfriend, Butters?
Butters: [bashfully, puts his hands behind his back] Yeah.
Chris: And she's... a... girl, right?
Butters: Yup!
Chris: Well all right! Good for you, Butters!
Linda: Oh, that is so cute. When do we get to meet her?
Butters: Well, I was hopin' to go see her right now. You can come alone. [holds a cautionary finger] But don't embarrass me or nothin'. [lowers it] I'm sure she'll be real nervous to impress you.
Stephen: Don't worry, Butters. We just wanna say hi and then we'll leave you two alone.
Butters: Okay. [walks off]
Stephen: [holds out his hand] You see? I told you he wouldn't turn out gay.
Linda: [hands him a bill] All right, you win.
Scene Description: Benny's, night. "We're always open." The Goth kids are seated at a booth drinking coffee. A middle-aged waitress walks by with a pot of coffee
Michael: Hey, can we get more coffee over here?
Waitress: Damn it, are you kids just gonna sit here all night again and drink six dollars' work of coffee?! Why don't you get a life?! [walks away]
Michael: [bitterly] Conformist. Have fun in your rat-race life, living paycheck to paycheck for corporate gains.
Other Goths: Yeah.
Pete: [to Stan] Dude, you haven't drank your coffee. [his hair falls over his face, he jerks his head back]
Stan: Well I don't drink coffee.
Pete: You can't be a non-conformist if you don't drink coffee. [Stan picks up his mug and drinks. Kyle enters the restaurant and approaches Stan's booth]
Kyle: Oh Jesus Christ, I had to see it to believe it! What the hell are you doing?!
Stan: [sips some coffee] Breathing deep in darkness that envelops my soul. [sips some coffee. Pete jerks his hair back into place]
Kyle: God-damnit dude, your mom and dad want you to come home!
Stan: So they can fill my head with more Disney lies about how perfect the world is? I don't think so.
Pete: Yeah. Why don't you just go back to your Justin Timberlake and your homework, you conformist asshole? [jerks his hair back into place] You just don't know what real pain is.
Kyle: Oh, like you know what pain is! Go try living in a Third-World country, you little pussy!
Pete: I'm not gonna live in a Third-World country with all the conformists.
Kyle: Stan, this is it. Time to stop feeling sorry for yourself and come home! Everyone cares about you and everyone wants you back!
Stan: What about Wendy? Isn't she still with Token?
Kyle: Yeah. She is.
Stan: Then people shouldn't care about me-ehhh. Because I don't care about them. What's the point of caring if all it brings is pain?
Henrietta: For sure.
Kyle: [walks away, defeated] Fine. That's it. I give up. Have fun being miserable.
Stan: [sips some coffee] ...conformist.
Other Goths: Yeah.
Scene Description: Raisins, night. Butters and his parents arrive.
Butters: Here we are, Mom and Dad! [they enter, but his parents are immediately troubled by the setting]
Mercedes: Hi, welcome to Raisins. Three of you?
Butters: Hi, Mercedes. It's me, Lexus's boyfriend. I brought my parents over to meet her.
Mercedes: Great. [gets some menus] Be sure to try our Cheddar Poppers. Right this way. [leads them to a table]
Raisins girl: Who else wants a signed Raisins Girls calendar for five dollars? [the table she approaches cheers]
Diners: Woohoo, all right, yeah! [the Stotches look around, amazed]
Linda: Stephen, what is this place?
Stephen: I, don't know.
Mercedes: [stops at a table] Here you go. Porsche will by right with you. [walks off]
Butters: Go ahead and have a seat, guys. Ah I've gotta go and find Lexus! [runs off. Stephen and Linda take their seats]
Raisins girl: [blonde, to a boy at a table nearby] Hey cutie, you having a good time?
Boy: Yeah.
Stephen: Oh boy, I think I know what's happened. Our son hasn't learned yet that girls will pretend to like him for money.
Linda: [holds her hands together] This place is horrible. To objectify girls like this.
Porsche: [arrives] Hi guys. Can I take your order?
Linda: Little girl, you shouldn't be working here.
Porsche: I shouldn't? Where I supposed to be working?
Linda: No, I mean you shouldn't work somewhere where you're paid for how you look. You should be learning a skill so you can grow up to be a businesswoman or even a doctor. Who knows? You could cure cancer.
Porsche: I could cure cancer? Oh-my-god! That would be sooo cool! I had a cancer sore on my lip once and it hurt sooo bad.
Linda: ... Oh. Never mind, I think Raisins might be the perfect place for you.
Porsche: Cool! [grins and hops off the stool, then carries it off. Butters arrives with Lexus, who carries a plate of chips]
Butters: Mom? Dad? This is Lexus.
Lexus: Hi. Welcome to Raisins.
Stephen: Uh, Butters, can we have a little talk with you? Outside?
Butters: Huh? Oh anything you have to say to me [holds on to Lexus] you can say in front of Lexus.
Linda: Butters, these girls pretend to be interested in you because they know you'll give them tips.
Butters: Huh?
Stephen: You see, Butters, women know that they can make men do anything by flirting. And some girls, like these, turn that into a profession.
Butters: Oh, I see. [gets angry] You don't approve of my girlfriend! [Lexus looks off and smiles at somebody] Well let me tell you somethin', Mom and Dad, our love is as pure as a mountain spring! The odds may be stacked against us, but we're gonna give it our best shot! And so, if you can't be happy for us, y-you can just go to heck, Mom and Dad! [walks away from the table with Lexus] Come on, Lexus. I'm movin' out of my parents' house and I'm movin' in with you. Uh let's blow this joint!
Lexus: What are you talking about, kid? We are NOT boyfriend and girlfriend.
Butters: ... What? Lexus, what are you saying? Are you saying... you don't want to be together anymore?
Lexus: I'm sorry, sweetie. Yes.
Butters: So that's it? We're broken up now?
Lexus: I gotta go, i gotta get these curly fries to Table 12. [walks off]
Butters: Well go ahead and go. It's best we don't say anything more. There's nothing left to say. It's over. [walks off dejected] Our relationship is o-over.
Scene Description: Stan did, at the curb under a working street light. Some shadows move in on him and stop when they cover most of his head
Michael: Look at that. Another tortured soul.
Pete: Another life of pain. [Butters looks up to see the Goths. Stan isn't shown yet.]
Michael: Hey Raven, check it out. [Stan, now named Raven, enters the picture]
Stan: Butters?
Butters: Oh [sniff, wipes away his tears] Uh hey, hey Stan.
Stan: What's the matter with you?
Butters: [sobbing] Well, mu mu mu girlfriend broke up with me.
Henrietta: Did she step on your heart with stiletto heels?
Butters: Yeah. [sniff] It sure does hurt.
Michael: That's cool. I guess you can join up with us if you want.
Pete: Yeah. We're gonna go to the graveyard and write poems about death and how pointless life is.
Butters: Uh, uhm no thanks. I I love life.
Stan: Huh? But you just got dumped.
Butters: Wuh-ell yeah, and I'm sad, but at the same time I'm really happy that somethin' could make me feel that sad. It's like, [sobs] it makes me feel alive, you know? It makes me feel human. And the only way I could feel this sad now is if I felt somethin' really good before. So I have to take the bad with the good, so I guess what I'm feelin' is like a, beautiful sadness. I guess that sounds stupid...
Pete: Yeah.
Stan: No. No, Butters, that doesn't sound stupid at all.
Butters: Well, thanks for offerin' to let me in your clique, guys, uh but, to be honest, I'd rather be a cryin' little pussy than a faggy Goth kid. Well see ya, Stan. [walks off]
Stan: He's right. I don't even know who I am anymore. I like liking life a whole lot more than hating it. As Cartman would you say, Screw you guys, I'm goin' home. [walks off]
Michael: Go ahead and go back to your sunshine fairytale!
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, playground. The school kids are back at play. The same two teams face off, except that Bill has replaced Token on Stan's team, and Stan hasn't arrived yet.
Kyle: [prepares to receive the football] Okay, it's third down. And now, somebody make a play!
Stan: [arrives] Hey, can I join in? [the other boys turn around]
Kyle: What happened? Aren't you still wallowing in pain?
Stan: Yeah, it still hurts a lot, but ...I just realized that there's gonna be a lot of painful times in life, so, I'd better learn to deal with it the right way. [Token and Wendy walk by at this point] Hey Wendy! [Token and Wendy look] You're a bitch,.. Token? [flips him off] Right here, buddy. [Token and Wendy walk off, insulted]
Kyle: Well. Dude, it's uh it's good to have you back.
Stan: Yeah. Let's play ball.


Scene Description: Kyle's house, night. "Happy Chanukah" The Broflovski family sings as Gerald lights the first candle on the Chanukah menorah.
The Broflovskis: Chanukah, Chanukah, sivivon, sov, sov
Ike: I gotta go tinkle.
Kyle: No Ike! Shh!
The Broflovskis: [while Ike and Kyle talk] Sov, sov, sov! Sov, sov, sov! Ma nayim vi-tov.
Gerald: We thank God for our blessings this Chanukah. Our little family is so loving, and perfect, and nothing will ever tear us apart. [the doorbell rings] I'll get it. [goes to answer the door. A Canadian couple stands at the entrance]
Man: Gerald Broflovski?
Gerald: Yes?
Man: My name is Harry Gintz and this is my wife Elise. We're from Canada.
Gerald: Yes, I can tell.
Harry: My wife and I had a child a few years back, and, we weren't ready to have a child, so we put him up for adoption. [Kyle and Ike come into view] We were told that you might be the-
Elise: Peter! [rushes in] Oh God, Harry! It's our son! [approaches and kneels. Ike hides behind Kyle] Peter, it's Mommy.
Sheila: Gerald, what the hell is going on?
Gerald: I'm not sure.
Scene Description: Moments later, both couples are at the dining room table.
Harry: It was a tough time for us. It was a tough time for all of Canada. The whole country was devastated by the cola wars. It just seemed we couldn't take care of a baby.
Elise: So we put him up for adoption. But as the years passed, I, I just felt an emptiness in my heart. [Kyle eavesdrops on the conversation, with Ike at his side] Oh it's so good to see him.
Sheila: Well we wish you all the best, Mr. and Mrs. Gintz, but to be honest, I think it would be best for Ike if you didn't come around again.
Elise: I don't think you understand. We didn't come to visit Peter, we came to take him back.
Gerald: What?
Harry: We want to take Peter home, to Canada.
Sheila: Are you crazy?!
Gerald: Look, you gave Ike up. You can't just change your mind.
Harry: Changing your mind is a Canadian custom that we hold quite dear. And besides, the new Canadian Prime Minister has issued a decree that all adopted Canadians must be returned home.
Sheila: The new Canadian Prime Minister?
Gerald: Look, Ike is our son now!
Harry: He doesn't belong here. He belongs in Canada with his own kind.
Sheila: I think you'd better leave.
Harry: Please, don't make things any harder for Peter.
Gerald: Harder for Peter?! Now you two just blow in here and say you're gonna haul him back to Canada, and we're being hard on Peter?!
Harry: We're prepared to go to court! We had hoped it wouldn't come to that!
Gerald: Well you bet your ass it'll come to that!
Scene Description: Park County courtroom, day.
Judge: I'm sorry to say that my hands are tied. The new Prime Minister of Canada has authority this court cannot override. By Canadian law I must award custody of the child to his birth parents.
The Gintzes: Yes!
Elise: Yes!
Sheila: No!
Kyle: [frightened] Ike's not my little brother anymore?
Sheila: Gerald, do something!
Gerald: There's nothing I can do.
Scene Description: Kyle's house, day. Sheila cries as Gerald sends Ike off.
Gerald: Good-bye, Ike. You... [wipes a tear from his eyes] be a good boy, huh? You... remember all the things we taught you. [kisses Ike on the head and steps back to console Sheila. Kyle steps forward.]
Kyle: Ike, you'll always be my little brother, okay?
Harry: Come on, Peter, we should get going.
Ike: [holds onto Kyle] No!
Elise: Peter, you must come with Mommy and Daddy.
Ike: No no no no no!
Harry: [whips out a chocolate bar] I have some chocolate.
Ike: Chocolate! [rushes for the candy, and Harry settles him inside the car]
Harry: We're going to take good care of him.
Kyle: You'd better! [Harry closes the car door and goes to his side, then settles in to drive. The car lunges forward on square wheels. Kyle looks as Ike goes away. Ike looks back] Dad, can't we talk to this new Canadian Prime Minister? If he knew the situation, he might be-
Gerald: Oh! Kyle, appealing to the Prime Minister of Canada would take... time and money we don't have.
Scene Description: Luau's Toys, night. It's dressed for Christmas. Stan, Cartman, and Kenny look inside the shop through the window.
Cartman: Dude, look at that. Sprinkle Time Make Your Own Marshmallow Factory. I'm definitely asking for that for Christmas.
Stan: Dude, I'm gonna tell my parents to get me that John Elway doll with the karate-chop action.
Kyle: Guys. [the other boys turn to face him] Guys, I need your help.
Stan: Sure dude.
Kyle: It's been a week since Ike's been gone, and every day my parents seem worse. I have to try to go to Canada and speak with the new Canadian Prime Minister, but I can't do it alone.
Cartman: We can't go to Canada, dumbass! It's Christmas!
Stan: Yeah, dude. What if we miss out on some great Christmas adventure?
Kyle: Please, you guys, you don't understand. [walks off some distance] My family is devastated. My mom just walks around the house like a zombie, and my dad can't stop crying.
Cartman: Well, I didn't wanna say anything, Kyle, but I think this is what your family gets for being Jewish at Christmas time.
Stan: Dude, Cartman.
Cartman: I'm just saying, maybe Jesus is having a little revenge, that's all.
Kyle: [returns] I found the number for a really cheap airline to Canada. If we go as soon as possible, then-
Stan: Dude, we just can't up and go to Canada. Look, they're about to light the Christmas tree. Maybe you can get your brother back some other way. [he, Cartman and Kenny leave. Cartman stops and returns]
Cartman: Kyle, I just want you to know, if it were any other time of the year, I still wouldn't help you. [walks off in the direction of the other boys. Kyle walks off sadly in the other direction]
Scene Description: South Park City Hall, night. The town Christmas tree is up, City Hall is decked out in Christmas decorations.
Crowd: Three! Two! One! [The lights to the Christmas tree are plugged in] Yaaaaay!
Mayor McDaniels: As we celebrate this glorious time, we can't forget those families who are suffering. As many of you know, the Broflovski family has recently had their child torn away from them. As a community, we must do all we can to ease their pain. Are there any suggestions how we might help?
Mr. Garrison: How about, we get rid of all the Mexicans? [a few seconds of silence]
Mayor McDaniels: Mr. Garrison, every Christmas you suggest we get rid of all the Mexicans, and every Christmas we tell you "NO!"
Mr. Garrison: Rats!
Chef: The Broflovskis need money to appeal that case to the new Canadian Prime Minister. What if this Christmas, instead of buyin' presents, we all use that money to give to the Broflovskis?
Cartman: HA! Yeah, right! Like our parents aren't gonna buy us presents for Christmas!
Liane: That's a great idea, Chef.
Cartman: What?
Randy: Yeah. Who needs more stuff, anyway? This Christmas we can do somethin' that really matters!
Stan: [trying to rein in his dad's enthusiasm] Dad, don't get carried away.
Mayor McDaniels: Then it's settled: This year we'll give all our Christmas money to the Broflovskis, in hopes that they may someday have their child returned to them. [the crowd cheers and disperses]
Cartman: No! No, this can't be happening! [Kenny, Heidi and Clyde remain there as well. Clyde begins to cry.]
Scene Description: Kyle walks down the street still depressed. Cartman bounds in before him.
Cartman: You fucking asshole!! This is all your fault!!
Kyle: What?
Cartman: Everyone's gonna be charitable and give money to your family instead of buying Christmas presents!! [Stan and Kenny walk in behind him] You fucking Jews ruined Christmas again!! [lunges after Kyle] AAAAAA!! [Stan and Kenny jump in and hold him back]
Stan: Whoa whoa, Cartman.
Cartman: It wasn't enough for you people to kill Jesus, now you have to kill Christmas too, huh?!
Stan: Cartman, calm down!
Kyle: [to Stan] Is that true?
Stan: It's true, dude. Christmas is ruined.
Cartman: [takes off his mittens and coat] This is it, Kyle. You and me. We're throwin' down. Right now.
Kyle: I'm sorry you guys, but there is something we can do. We can go to Canada and see the Prime Minister like I said. If we can change his mind before Christmas, then your parents won't have to give my family money.
Cartman: You really think if we go to Canada we might still get Christmas presents?
Kyle: It's worth a shot. Come on, you guys, we can do this.
Stan: Oh all right, but we'd better not miss out on great Christmas adventures.
Kyle: [reassuring] We'll get back in time for a Christmas adventure.
Cartman: Fine. But if it doesn't work, you and me are gonna have it out, Kyle. Once and for all.
Scene Description: City Wok, night. "Christmas Special: Chinese Food For The Holidays" Mr. Kim sits at one of his tables with nothing to do.
Mr. Kim: No business... Christmas time come and nobody wanna eat Chinese food. Looks like I might as well close. [a phone rings. He perks up and runs to get it] Oh boy! Some business! [puts on his chef hat and grabs a notepad] Finally! [grabs the phone and waits for the order] Herro? Shitty Wok, take ur orda prease!
Kyle: Uh, I must have the wrong number. We were trying to reach City Airlines.
Mr. Kim: Oh, oh yes, just a moment prease. [flips a sign over so it now reads "City Airlines" and switches to a captain's hat] Herro, Shitty Airrines. Can I help you take ur orda prease?
Kyle: Uh, we need to go to Canada. As soon as possible.
Mr. Kim: Oooh, Canada. Okay, that's uh pretty far. Gonna cost ya a lot of money... hmm let's see. How many people?
Kyle: Four.
Mr. Kim: Okay. Four people, Canada, cost a lot of money, that uh gonna be about ah six thousand five hundred dolla.
Kyle: How about fifty daura?
Mr. Kim: Fifty daura?! You flight to Canada cost at least three thousand dollar!
Kyle: Fifty-five daura.
Mr. Kim: Hey! Stop wasting my time with fifty-five daura! No way I take my plane to Canada for less than a thousand daura!
Kyle: Okay. Sixty daura.
Mr. Kim: Sixty-two daura.
Kyle: Okay.
Mr. Kim: Okay. Meet me Park County Airfield, yellow Cessna, tail number 432G.
Kyle: Got it. [hangs up]
Mr. Kim: [hangs up, then giggles] Hehehehe, never try to barter with a Chinese man.
Scene Description: Park County Airfield, night. A plane comes in for a landing in the background as the boys approach the yellow Cessna.
Cartman: We have exactly fifty-two hours before Christmas. [this sets it at 8 p.m. December 22] That means we have to be back in twenty-eight hours to still give our patents twenty-four hours to buy us presents. Synchronize watches on my mark. Mark.
Mr. Kim: Herro, welcome Shitty Airrine. [Stan and Kyle move ahead. Kenny stays with Cartman]
Cartman: [shakes his head vigorously] Oh no, no no nono, I am NOT flying in that thing!
Kenny: (Me neither!)
Kyle: Why not?
Kenny: ('Cause, dude, I'll fuckin' die!)
Kyle: You're not gonna die, Kenny. Don't be stupid.
Cartman: You guys go get Ike. Kenny and I will stay here and watch the fort.
Stan: No, you're both coming. Do you care about Christmas or not?
Cartman: Of course I care about Christmas- oh, Christ on a stick! [he and Kenny head for the plane]
Scene Description: Cessna 432G, inside.
Cartman: Aw dude, it smells like Kung Pao chicken in here!
Mr. Kim: Okay, welcome aboard Shitty Airrines. This is your captain speaking. Looking about a two hour fright. I'll be turning on the seatbelt sign now. If your seats have seatbelts, this is the time you will fasten them. Please sit back, relax, and enjoy your Shitty fright. [he turns off the intercom and takes flight after a small bump.]
Kyle: All right! We're going to Canada!
Cartman: Weak.
Scene Description: Cessna 432G, day. The flight has taken longer than two hours. The boys are sleeping in their seats - and so is Mr. Kim. The plane begins to hit turbulence and lose power.
Mr. Kim: Hey, turn off the right. ...Wha- oh! [a sudden noisy dip awakens the boys]
Stan: What's going on??
Mr. Kim: Herro from the cockpit, this is your captain speaking. As you can see, it appears that we are goin' down. Now would be a good time to reflect on your rife, and pray to whatever deity you believe in. Thank you for flying Shitty Airlines. We know you have a choice in airlines, and it looks like you made the wrong one. [quickly puts on a parachute and opens his door to drop away]
Kyle: Hey, where the hell are you going?? [Mr. Kim jumps out and away. A few seconds later he pulls the rip cord and the parachute comes out]
Stan: Do something, Kyle! [Kyle grabs the controls and tries to steer the plane]
Kyle: I'm trying! [the plane bounces around in the air]
Cartman: Look out!
Kenny: (N-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O!) [the plane makes a steep descent and crashes onto the ground. It flips over and crumples up, resting near a town. The boys scramble out of the rubble and walk into the town]
Scene Description: Now begins the "Wizard of Oz" sequence. The boys look around in wonder. A pair of legs is seen at a bench, but no head is shown.
Stan: You guys, I don't think we're in America anymore. [As they look in one direction, four Canadians pop up from some bushes and look at them. They drop back into the bushes before the boys turn back around]
Canadian man: Excuse me? [a head pops up over the legs at the bench] Uh, is this an invasion?
Kyle: No.
Canadian man: [a doctor, it seems] Oh thank heavens! It's okay. Everyone, it's not an invasion! [people come out of their hiding places. A man pops up out of a manhole mumbling something as the others mill around]
Kyle: Hey! We're in Canada!
Doctor: Well of course you are! And Canada Friends welcomes you!
Canadians: Welcome, friend, to Canada! Canada Friends loves you!We're just like any other country without the big tattoo!
Sailor: [walks up] We greet thee with pleasure, but one question, if we may?
Businessman: [walks up and joins him] What brings you folks to Canada? Why are you here today?
Kyle: Uh. My adopted brother got taken back here to Canada? So, we want to talk to the new Canadian Prime Minister about getting him back?
Canadians: His brother is our quest. The question is, is what? You must talk to the new Prime Minister if you think his brother's home's back there.
Cartman: Oh Jesus Christ.
Scott: [shows up] Hey! What the hell is going on?!
Canadians: It's Scott! AAAAHHHH! [they all take off in different directions]
Scott: Who damaged our beloved Canadian land?!
Kyle: Who's that?
Doctor: That's Scott! He's a dick
Scott: [fixes his gaze on the boys and approaches] A-ha! Americans! I should've known! You think you're the police of the world! You think you own Canada! Well, you aren't welcome here! Get out now!
Doctor: Oh no you don't, Scott! Leave these boys alone!
Scott: This isn't over, you American scum! I swear to God: you'll rue this day!! [walks off]
Man in barrel: God, what a dick!
Kyle: Look, we don't have a lot of time here, okay? Can you just tell us where the new Prime Minister is?
Doctor: The new Prime Minister doesn't live in this part of Canada. He's in Ottawa. [the other Canadians concur]
Kyle: So how do we get to Ottawa?
Wrestler: Oh that's easy. You just have to follow the road.
Cartman: Which road?!
Firefighter: This is Canada. We only have one road. [he moves to one side and the crowd splits in two to allow the boys through]
Priest: Follow the only road.
Man: Follow the only road.
Canadians: To go anywhere in Canada, you just follow the only road. There's only one road in Canada. We call it the Road, the only road. Hip-hip, hooray, let's hear it for our Road.
Road workers: And it's paved and wide and up to code.
Stan: All right dude, let's get the hell out of here!
Kyle: Word!
Canadians: You're off to see the Prime Minister, the Prime Minister of Canada!
Doctor: Good-bye, friends! Good luck with the new Prime Minister! And remember to watch out for Scott! He's a dick!
Canadians: Good-bye, good-bye, see ya, good luck.
Scene Description: The Road, day.
Cartman: [checking his watch] Twenty hours until Christmas. Our parents still have time to buy us presents IF we hurry. [a mountie appears]
Mountie: Ahoy there, travelers.
Kyle: Who are you?
Mountie: I am Rick, the proud Canadian Mountie. [he's shown riding a sheep]
Sheep: Baaaah.
Stan: I thought mounties were supposed to ride horses.
Rick: [hangs his head a bit] Yes. Yes, we are. But our funding has been cut and now we're forced to ride...
Sheep: Baaaah.
Cartman: But if you don't mind, we're in a rush to see the new Prime Minister.
Rick: You're going to see the new Prime Minister. Oh, I would so like to meet him myself. It's his strange new laws that took our horses away. Perhaps I will go with you.
Kyle: That's okay, we'd rather just go by ourselves.
Rick: Follow me this way! We're going to see the Prime Minister, the Prime Minister of Canada!
Scott: [monitoring their progress over remote cameras] Power-hungry Americans! I'll fix you!
Scene Description: Further down the Road, Rick and the boys pass through another town.
Cartman: Oh Jesus, eighteen hours. We're running out of time!
Rick: All right boys, prepare yourselves. We're about to enter... French Canada.
Kyle: French Canada?
French Canadians: [Before them, lots of French Canadians cavort like it is Euro Disney, with circus performers of all stripes doing what they do best.] There'z no Canada like French Canada, it'z za bezt Canada in ze land. Ze ozer Canada is hardly Canada. If you lived here for a day, you'd understand.
Mime: Honh honh honnnh! Welcome to French Canada.
Hockey player: We have everything your heart could desire. Trapezes. Trampolines. And lots and lots of cheese.
Artist: [takes off his mustache] Would you like a moustache?
Rick: Just stay calm, boys. French Canadians are a little... odd. [behind them, two of them walk by. One is dressed in blue and looks a bit like an alien. The other is dressed something like He-Man, with long flowing locks.]
Stan: Ah, we're just passing through to see the new Prime Minister.
Mime: Well first you must answer that phone. [makes his left hand into a phone receiver] Ring-ring. Ring-ring.
Kyle: We don't have time for this.
Mime: You cannot pass through French Canada unless you take zat phone call! [holds out his "phone"] Ring-ring. Ring-ring. [Kyle responds by make his right hand into a phone and answering]
Kyle: Hello?
Mime: Allo. If you are going to see za new Prime Minister, then I want to go with you. He has passed a new law forbidding us French Canadians to drink wine.
Artist: [walks up to the boys] How can ze French not drink wine?? Travestie!
Kyle: Okay, you can come with us.
Mime: Honh honnnh! Very good! Let us make haste!
French Canadians: [they escort the boys out and on their way with the Mime and the Mountie] There'z no Canada like French Canada, it'z za bezt Canada in ze land. And ze ozer Canada.
Mime: Is a bullshit Canada
French Canadians: If you lived here for a day, you'd understand. [the small group leaves the town behind]
Mime: I think you'd understand. ...You understand.
Scene Description: Newfoundland. The group arrives at a dark place.
Rick: Oh my! This certainly is a desolate place!
Mime: It reminds me of death and fear.
Cartman: How much further to Ottawa?! Christmas is only twelve hours away.
Rick: We must be very close now.
Scott: [jumps out in front of them] Ey! What are you doing?!
Rick: Waaaah!
Mime: Oh no. It's Scott.
Scott: What are you two doing helping these Americans?! Don't you know America thinks it owns Canada along with the rest of the world?!
Rick: You're a dick, Scott!
Scott: You're a dick! And by helping Americans, you're just as smelly as they are! Now I'm going to get you!
Fisherman: [exits a house with a fish in his left hand and a pole in his right] Not so fast, Scott!
Scott: Who the hell are you?!
Fisherman: I'm Steve the Newfoudlander. And you're on Newfoundland property now! Get off before I have you arrested!
Scott: Ugh! This isn't over! Not by a long shot! I'll fix you. I'll fix all of you!! [leaves in a huff. Steve draws closer to the group]
Rick: Woo, that was a close call. Thank you, kind Newfie!
Kyle: God-damnit, we need to get to the new Prime Minister! NOW!
Steve: Oh yeah, the Prime Minister, eh? He sure has screwed up things for Newfoundland. Life just hasn't been the same since he made sodomy illegal.
Mime: Well, come with us! Maybe you can ask him to take his sodomy ban away.
Kyle: Can we just get going, please?
Steve: Yeah, sure, except there's just one problem.
Stan: What?
Steve: You folks are goin' the wrong way.
Stan: What?? But I thought there was one road in Canada.
Steve: Yeah. And you all went the wrong direction on it.
Rick: Ohh, that's right. Ottawa is that way. [points behind the group]
Mime: Of course. Ottawa left, Newfoundland right!
Stan: [grimacing] Oh no!
Cartman: [glaring at Rick] How could you be so stupid!
Kyle: There's no way we can go all the way back. We'll never make it now!
Rick: It's okay, boys. The power is inside us to get to Ottawa! We can wish ourselves there!
Mime: Ah yes, let's wish ourselves there. [the three Canadians close their eyes and wish real hard]
Rick: [peeks with his left eye] Is it working?
Cartman: Oh, God-damnit! Well I warned you Kyle! I told you if I missed Christmas we were gonna throw down! [puts up his fists] Well it's on! We're gonna have it our RIGHT NOW! [grabs Kyle by the collar]
Steve: [now in his boat at the end of a dock] Of course, we could always take my boat, eh?
Rick: Oh yes! On the river we could travel to Ottawa in no time!
Kyle: Well come on! [everyone hops into the boat]
Steve: Okay, next stop, the new Prime Minister. [the boat leaves the dock and goes on its way]
Kyle: Do you think we can still make it in time?
Cartman: We'd better, Kyle. Or you're dead.
Scene Description: The Parliament building, dawn. Steve and the rest of the party pull up to the small dock at one end of the grounds.
Steve: Here we are at the Parliament buildin'.
Mime: Ze Prime Minister is inside.
Cartman: [hops off the boat and runs towards Parliament] Well come on, let's hurry! It's almost Christmas! [the rest of the group follows]
Scene Description: The Parliament building, entrance. Kyle knocks on the heavy wooden doors. A wooden panel opens up to reveal a window. A doorman looks out through it.
Doorman: Yes?
Kyle: We need to see the new Prime Minister.
Doorman: Ha! Impossible! The new Prime Minister isn't seeing anybody! [slams the window shut]
Mime: Oh well, so much for zat. [turns around and slowly walks away]
Steve: Yeah, we gave it our best, but our best wasn't good enough, eh? [joins the Mime]
Kyle: No. No!! [knocks on the door again. Steve and the Mime turn around]
Doorman: [opens his window again] Yes?
Kyle: Please, sir. I traveled a long way to get here. He's the only person who can help me.
Doorman: [a big smug] The Prime Minister isn't here. He's in China on official business. So you might as well go home. Good-bye!
Kyle: [turns around and walks off slowly] Then that's it. I'm... I'm never going to get my brother back. [sits down on the steps farther away from the door]
Cartman: And... I'm not going to get any Christmas presents. [sits on the steps]
Stan: And... I'm not gonna have a Christmas adventure. [sits between the two of them]
Kenny: (And I'm not gonna have last 5 days without death...) [his voice trails off and he joins the others on the steps. They all cry]
Doorman: [begins to cry with the boys] Oh please! Please stop crying.
Cartman: [through his tears] I'm gonna kill you, Kyle.
Doorman: All right all right, I was lying. The Prime Minister IS here.
Kyle: [turns around] Really? [the boys stand and approach the doors]
Doorman: Yes yes. Come in. [opens the large wooden doors, and the group enters.]
Scene Description: The Parliament building, inside. The group walks down a long hallway and approach a large sanctum with three fire pits. Two small ones burn before and on each side of the huge one, which sits at the center and has a holograph of the Prime Minister hovering over it
Prime Minister: I am the Prime Minister of Canada. What do you guys want?
Kyle: [after a few moments, steps forth] Sir, you recently passed a new law allowing parents who have given their children up for adoption to change their minds. My little brother was-
Scott: Not so fast! [soon appears with the Gintses]
Kyle: Ike!
Ike: Kyle!
Scott: Prime Minister, these are the child's Canadian parents! Their Canadian blood pumps through his veins! Would you send him back to America with those world-hungry scum?!
Kyle: Please, sir. I came because I don't think Ike belongs here. Family isn't about whose blood you have in you, family is about the people who cared about you and took care of you. We're not the same blood, but I love my little brother. We've taken care of him because he needed us to, and that makes us more family than anything. [Harry and Elise look at each other]
Prime Minister: That is a great speech, guy. But the answer is no! All of my new laws will stay in effect forever!
Scott: Haha, you lose, Americans!
Rick: Then, I suppose us mounties will never get our horses.
Mime: And we won't get our wine.
Steve: And we can't perform sodomy, eh?
Kyle: But why are you making such strange laws??
Prime Minister: I SAID GO! [a blast from his holographic eyes incinerates Kenny]
Kenny: (Aah!) [Kenny explodes and pieces of him splatter all over the boys]
Stan: Oh my God, they've killed Kenny!
Kyle: [walks over to the charred remains] You... bastards! [brushes off a bit of Kenny from his jacket] Wha, what the hell is wrong with you?? What kind of Prime Minister bases his decisions on hatred? [Stan dusts himself off] And, and takes away mounties' horses? [Stan notices a purple curtain nearby and walks over to it] And French people's wine? What the hell kind of Prime Minister are you, anyway?!
Prime Minister: I am the Prime Minister of Canada. [as he says this, Stan pulls the curtain back and Saddam Hussein appears behind it, cramped behind a console] I can do whatever I- [notices his cover is blown] Uh oh. Uh, don't mind that guy hiding in the spider hole, he's just my friend.
Kyle: [the other members of the group gather in, as well as other people nearby] What the hell??
Rick: Hey, that looks like Saddam Hussein!
Saddam Hussein: Saddam Hussein?? Naw, relax, buddah. I'm not him.
Mime: Zat explains everything! Za new Prime Minister was Saddam Hussein, once again trying to take over our beloved Canada like he did before.
Soldier 1: Saddam Hussein?
Soldier 2: He was fooling us?
Businessman: Get him! [the soldiers quickly seize him and haul him away]
Saddam Hussein: Ahh, don't shoot. I want to negotiate. Hey, relax! [the crowd pounces on him and tear him apart] Gah!
Rick: Wait a minute. This means all the Prime Minister's new laws are null and void. We can have our horses back!
Mime: And we can drink our wine.
Steve: And I can sodomize me boys again
Harry: [brings Ike over to Kyle] Young man, you... must really care for Peter to have come all this way.
Elise: Perhaps we were wrong to try and take Peter back. He doesn't belong here. He belongs with his family.
Harry: [gently drops Ike to the floor] Peter, would you like to go back to your home in Colorado? [Ike walks over to Kyle and hugs him. Kyle returns the hug, and the Gintses hug as well, looking at the bond between Kyle and Ike. An alarm goes off. Cartman looks at his watch]
Stan: What is that?
Cartman: It's Christmas. We officially missed it. It's Christmas Day and ... I'm in Canada.
Kyle: Well yeah, but ah-I got my brother back.
Cartman: Yeah! You got your brother back, but I didn't get any presents! [takes off his mittens] And what did I tell you, Kyle?! [unbuttons his jacket, takes it off, and bunches it up] I told you that if we didn't make it back in time for Christmas I was gonna whup your ass, didn't I?! [tosses his jacket away]
Kyle: Dude, come on.
Cartman: Well now you're gonna get it, motherfucker! That's right! You and me! Right now! [puts up his fists] We're havin' it out! Let's go! Come on! Come on!! [Kyle puts up his fists and gives Cartman a quick right hook across the face. Cartman blinks a few times and begins to bawl while he's crying.] Mooooooom! Moooooooom!
Rick: Hey, come on, boys! You can spend Christmas with us, Canada style!
Scene Description: Ottawa, day. A Christmas parade goes by and the crowds cheer and throw confetti. Saddam is paraded on his own float, with huge candy canes around him.
Canadians: Ding dong, they caught Saddam! Merry Christmas to the world! Ding dong, the Americans caught Saddam! [Santa's sleigh passes by and the boys are hoisted into it] Now Canada is free for you and you and me It's the best Christmas presents we ever got Canadian Christmas, it's the best! We drink and dance and show our breasts! Let's celebrate! Saddam Hussein's been caught!
Stan: [sighs] Oh well. Maybe we'll get to have a Christmas adventure next year. [Cartman holds a towel over his left nostril, which is bleeding]