Scene Description: Denver International Airport, day. Inside the terminal people are in long lines waiting to get their tickets or get on a plane. Mr. Garrison waits in line to have his bags scanned
Mr. Garrison: Jesus Christ, these lines are ridiculous! I'm gonna miss my flight! [sees a guard] E- Excuse me, there are two other security checkpoints. Why can't you open those, too?
Security Guard: Uh I don't know nothin'.
Mr. Garrison: But you work for the- [the guard turns around and walks way] uh, God-damnit!!
Voice: [over the PA system] Snooty Airlines announces the arrival of flight 239 from Connecticut.
Scene Description: The Broflovskis stand in front of a perfume shop
Sheila: That's your cousin's flight, Kyle. Hold the sign up nice and high so he can find us.
Kyle: What's he look like?
Sheila: He's your age and about your height.
Kyle: I'm stoked my cousin is comin' to live with us. It'll be just like having a brother. [Ike flashes an angry look]
Ike: I todd a nurra.
Sheila: Oh, there he is. [waving] Over here, Kyle! [a boy wearing a NY cap and a #34 shirt appears. Kyle grins and holds up the sign. The boy looks to his right and walks off. Another boy appears, with bushy hair and a part down the middle and thick glasses]
Kyle Schwartz: Hello, Aunt Sheila.
Sheila: How was your flight? [Kyle lowers the sign and looks stunned]
Kyle Schwartz: Oh, it was terrible. They recycled the air on board and it really did a number on my asthma. I-I-e-I asked them to turn up the oxygen and they wouldn't. [walks up and joins the family]
Sheila: You remember Uncle Gerry.
Kyle Schwartz: Hi, Uncle Gerry.
Sheila: [kneels on one knee] And these are your cousins, Ike and Kyle.
Kyle: Hey dude.
Kyle Schwartz: It's nice to meet you.
Sheila: Let's get down to the baggage claim, Kyle. [rises and moves]
Both Kyles: Okay:
Sheila: [returns and genuflects again] Oooh, that's right! We've got two Kyles now. We'll just call you [to the nephew] Kyle, and you can be Kyle... [to the son] Two! [holds up two fingers and walks off. Kyle Schwartz (Kyle) follows her while Kyle Broflovski (Kyle Two) sorts this out]
Kyle Two: Cool. [follows the others out]
Scene Description: Ticket counter. Mr. Garrison's turn has come up and he approaches the counter
Clerk: [female] Next?
Mr. Garrison: Oh, I feel like I've run a marathon. [hands her his ticket]
Clerk: [starts typing away] Mmmokay, the 2:30 flight to Cheyenne has boarded. Looks like you didn't make it.
Mr. Garrison: What? Well of course I didn't make it. The line to check in was two hours long, and the security line was two hours more!
Clerk: Nnnyeah, no problem, though. We'll get you on the 7 a.m. flight tomorrow morning.
Mr. Garrison: I can't go tomorrow, the Jizzfest is tonight!
Clerk: [ignoring comments] Would you like a window or an aisle seat?
Mr. Garrison: This is unbelievable! You know, I seem to remember when the airlines said, "We need a 15 billion dollar bailout from the taxpayers-"!
Clerk: Mmokay, and have any of your personal items been out of your possession since you left?
Mr. Garrison: [people in the lines hear him and turn to look] Well we gave them the 15 billion dollar bailout and they fired their employees anyway! So now we have three people to clear 400 passengers!
Man: Hey, he's right!
People: YEAH!
Clerk: Okay, and bags have been with you at all times?
Mr. Garrison: So where did that money go? I'll tell you where it went: it went into the pockets of the presidents and CEOs of the airlines, so they can keep their multimillion-dollar salaries!
People: YEAH!
Clerk: [prints out a pass and hands it out for Garrison to get] And here's your boarding pass for tomorrow morning.
Mr. Garrison: You think you can treat us however you want because we HAVE to fly! Well I'll tell you what, Sally Sassalot, I'm gonna come up with a NEW mode of transportation! A ahah brand new vehicle that'll put all you bastards out of business!
People: YEAH! ALRIGHT! GO!
Mr. Garrison: You think I can't do it?! I got a master's degree in mechanical engineering at Denver Community College! You watch me!! [turns and stretches his arms over the crowd] Come on, everybody!
People: YEAH!
Man: [next in line, approaches the clerk] Can I get on that 7:30 a.m. flight?
Scene Description: The Broflovski house, night. The family is seated around the dining room table as Sheila enters with soup in hand
Sheila: Here we go, Kyle Two. [Kyle Two smiles at the soup he's gotten] And here's yours, Kyle. [Kyle inspects it]
Kyle: [sniffs] Oh, uh, wawawhat is this?
Kyle Two: Mom's special stew. She makes it every Monday and I love it.
Kyle: Oh is, is this beef?
Kyle Two: Yeah, dude, it's great! [eats the soup with gusto]
Kyle: Uha, wa, actually, I- I can't eat beef. I have a degenerative problem with my intestinal lining, and beef really gives me gaass.
Sheila: Oh, I'm so sorry, Kyle. What else can I fix you?
Kyle: Oh no, I d- I don't want to be a bother, I uh-
Sheila: Nonsense. Can't I make you some nice pasta? Or a frozen fish fillet?
Kyle: We-ull, some fish would be great if it isn't too much trouble.
Sheila: [rises and heads for the kitchen] I'll put it in the microwave right away. [heavy breathing is heard. Kyle Two looks at his cousin]
Scene Description: Kitchen, moments later. Sheila has gotten the fish and breaks it apart on the kitchen counter. Kyle Two appears at the doorway
Kyle Two: Mom?
Sheila: Yes, Kyle Two?
Kyle Two: How am I related to him again?
Sheila: He's your cousin, Kyle Two. I told you already.
Kyle Two: Yeah, but like... first cousin or distant cousin?
Sheila: He's my sister's son. That makes him your first cousin.
Kyle Two: So we have the same blood?
Sheila: Now Kyle Two, listen to me. Kyle is going through a very tough time in his life. His mother is very sick and he's in a whole new place. He's going to rely on you to make sure he fits in at your school.
Kyle Two: What? How the hell am I supposed to do that?
Sheila: I'm sure your friends will love him.
Kyle Two: What about Cartman, huh? He rips on me for being Jewish! He's gonna tear this kid apart!
Sheila: Kyle Two, he's your responsibility.
Kyle Two: Oh my God.
Sheila: I'm sure you two will become great friends with lots of late night pillow talk.
Kyle Two: Well what do you mean? [she catches her breath] What room is he sleeping in?
Scene Description: Kyle's room, past bed time. Both Kyles are in bed, the cousin getting used to the bed.
Kyle: What's this comforter filled with? Um, it isn't filled with down, is it?
Kyle Two: I don't know, dude.
Kyle: Ih it sure is quiet up here in the mountains and it's dry, too. Do you have a humidi-humidifier?
Kyle Two: I don't think so.
Kyle: Uh, can you take my stupid glasses and put them on the night stand. Make sure they're close by, because that fish upset my stomach and I might need them if I have to go to he bathroom later on.
Kyle Two: Okay. [reaches for the light and turns it off, then tries to sleep. That distinctive breathing returns as Kyle slowly goes to sleep, and Kyle Two takes a peek. Kyle swallows and turns his head to the left. Kyle Two looks at him, annoyed, then turns his back on Kyle and tries to sleep again]
Scene Description: Mr. Garrison's house, night. He's working at an artist's desk in his bedroom. On the wall are drawings of various types of aircraft, and on the floor around him are bits and pieces of all kinds of vehicles, including bicycle gears, airplane propellers, car motors, a muffler. To his right is a dresser with a small color TV on top. Mr. Hat is present on his right hand, as always
Mr. Garrison: Now it's got to be simple. Like a moped, but with the ability to travel at much faster speeds. The designs of our electrical moped were altered with a- no, nonono this won't work either!
Mr. Hat: What was wrong with that plan?
Mr. Garrison: It has to be more stable, Mr. Hat! A moped would be too dangerous at those speeds. Damnit! [tries something new] Now, what if the jet power of an aircraft could be scaled down into a personal vehicle?
Mr. Hat: Boy, that Enrique Iglesias can sure gyrate his hot ass around.
Enrique Iglesias: [on TV, gyrating his hips around, holding his crotch in his left hand, the back of his head with the right one] ...I think about you day and night. I think about you...
Mr. Garrison: Oh, Mr. Hat! Would you stop drooling over Enrique Iglesias and... wait a minute. What did you say?
Mr. Hat: I said Enrique Iglesias can sure gyrate his hot ass!
Mr. Garrison: That's it. Gyration. [pulls something onto his desk] A gyroscope. [sets it in motion] It would allow for maximum balance and yet... Mr. Hat! You're a genius! [starts writing again] It's so simple and yet genius!
Mr. Hat: Check out his hot bulge, too.
Scene Description: Bus stop, next day. Kenny, Stan and Cartman wait at the stop. The two Kyles walk up to them
Stan: Hey dude.
Cartman: What's that thing?
Kyle Two: Cartman, I need to talk to you. [takes him off to one side]
Kyle: [to Stan] Hello, I'm Kyle's cousin Kyle.
Kyle Two: Cartman, I'm gonna make you a deal.
Cartman: What?
Kyle Two: That kid over there is my cousin from the East Coast. He's having a really hard time right now, so I'm going to offer you forty dollars to not rip on him.
Cartman: Forty bucks?
Kyle Two: But you can't make fun of him AT ALL. No smartass comments, nothin'.
Cartman: Alright, alright.
Kyle Two: And you especially can't say anything about Jews!
Cartman: Aw, Jesus, why don't you just cut off my balls?
Kyle Two: Cartman, no Jew jokes! All you have to do is keep your mouth shut, and you've got forty bucks! Can you do it? [Cartman looks past Kyle Two and sees Kyle talking away at the bus stop]
Kyle: I can't believe how cold it is out here.
Cartman: [pulls back and mulls his chances] Could be tough. But I'll give it a shot.
Kyle Two: Alright. [both return to the bus stop]
Kyle: It's a really dry cold; that's the problem. It- the cold air makes me wheeze.
Kyle Two: [formal introductions] Kyle, this is Cartman, my sort of... friend-ish.
Kyle: [goes over to greet Cartman] Ot- Nice to meet you, Cartman. Yuh you know, I saw that same jacket you're wearing at Bosco's for $29.95. How much was yours? Um, I juh- I was just wondering if Bosco's is a ripoff?
Cartman: [weakening] ...Oh, man.
Kyle: [observes this and gets angry] Cartman?!
Cartman: [snaps into action] Uh, it's nice to meet you, Kyle. I can certainly tell you're a relative of my good friend Kyle here. [at that moment, a large wheel zips by the bus stop, and the kids cover their eyes]
Stan: What the hell was that?
Scene Description: Neighborhood, day. Barbrady stops Craig's father in his car and is writing out a ticket when the large wheel zips by them.
Officer Barbrady: Uh what the hell was that?
Scene Description: Downtown South Park. People walk about doing stuff. The giant wheel zips by them as well, but few seem to notice
Stuart: What the hell was that?
Randy: I dunno, it was going so fast I couldn't see it. [looks at Stuart] But I want one.
Stuart: Yep, me too.
Scene Description: Garrison's house, curb level. The giant wheel stops and two legs dismount. It's Mr. Garrison, beaming with pride and confidence
Mr. Garrison: We've done it, Mr. Hat. Airline companies be damned. We've invented a whole new mode of transportation! Get some investors on the phone! [Mr. Hat doesn't move] Well what are you waiting for?!
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Class is now in session.
Ms. Choksondik: And I know you'll all be very nice to our new student. [To Kyle] Kyle, why don't you tell us a little about yourself?
Kyle: Oh well, I I grew up in the shity, ah ah I really don't care for it. Ah I come from a Jewish family, which of course you already know, because Kyle's from the same family. [Kyle Two buries his face in his hands] I like to read, and I have these polyps on the backs of my hands - I don't know what they are.
Cartman: [resisting an urge] Ohmigod, I'm not gonna make it. I'm not gonna make it.
Kyle: ...Oh, and I hope one day to be an investment banker.
Cartman: [resisting mightily] I... must.. fight it! Need... forty... dollars!
Ms. Choksondik: Okay, why don't you go ahead and take a seat, Kyle? [Kyle goes to the desks, looks around, then runs around]
Kyle: Uh where should I sit? There's no place to sit down here.
Ms. Choksondik: Yes, unfortunately the school seems to be completely out of extra desks. So you'll just have to share with your cousin.
Kyle Two: What?
Kyle: Eh, oh, alright. [moves to Kyle Two's desk and squeezes in, and that breathing is heard again]
Ms. Choksondik: [turns to the blackboard] Now let's get on with our lesson on the-
Kyle: Ah-ah-ah-are wooden desks all that available? I usually prefer the plastic ones because these give me splinters.
Cartman: Ugh, ugh!
Ms. Choksondik: [faces the class] I'm sorry, Kyle. You'll just have to make do. [turns to the blackboard again] Now let's get back to the le-
Kyle: Is it cold in here? I realize we're in the mountains, but do we have to freeze to death?
Ms. Choksondik: [faces the class] Now Kyle, I need you to be quiet. In my class you need to be able to concentrate.
Cartman: Oh!
Ms. Choksondik: Concentration is the key to succeeding in my class.
Cartman: Maybe we'll have to send him to concentration camp. AWGH! Damnit, damnit, damnit!
Kyle Two: CARTMAN!
Scene Description: News 4 Newsbreak. An anchor soon appears with a window of Mr. Garrison beside him
Anchor: Kindergarten teacher Herbert Garrison has apparently invented a new vehicle that will give the airlines a run for their money. Mr. Garrison is putting the final touches on his top secret device, which he simply calls "IT". ["IT" appears in the window] So what exactly is "IT"? ["IT?" appears in the window] Here with a report is a Hispanic man with some gravy stains on his lapel. [a window with that reporter pops up and soon fills the screen. Behind him is the Garrison house, and a small crowd is standing outside]
Hispanic Reporter: Thanks, Tom, I-oh... [looks at his lapel and brushes some of the stain off] Thanks, Tom. So far, Herbert Garrison hasn't let anyone get a look at his invention. He claims that the vehicle is sooo genius and revolutionary that it could cause one's eyes to bleed if not properly prepared to see it. But earlier today HBC News got footage of some of the country's top investors and richest people who have been invited for a first look, including: Steve Forbes [seen exiting a black limo], Steve Jobs [seen exiting a white limo], Ted Turner [seen exiting a helicopter], Donald Trump [seen exiting a private jet], Bill Gates [seen leaving his own ship, the U.S.S. Bill Gates XP], and Yasmine Bleeth [seen exiting a small dingy car and wiping her nose]. Their curiosity is piqued, Tom, and so is ours. What is "IT"? What does "IT"do? And when will IT be somewhere where I can buy one? Reporting live, Jeff Arrando [trills the Rs], HBC News.
Scene Description: Playground, day. Kids are on swings, hobby elephants, slides, etc, as the camera pans across. At the end of the pan, Kyle and Kyle Two face each other in a clearing
Kyle Two: You need to learn to play some sports, Kyle. So we're gonna start with a tough one called, "Catch the Ball." I throw the football to you; you throw it back to me.
Kyle: Oh, bu- but isn't the cold air making the ball really hard? Ih-it's gonna hurt my hands.
Kyle Two: It's fine!
Kyle: Alright then, hu-how do I catch it?
Kyle Two: Ih it's a football, dude. You just- put your arms out and catch it. [Kyle's arms spread out] Alright, here we go. [throws the ball, and it lands in the snow in front of Kyle, who just looks at it]
Kyle: Now what?
Kyle Two: Now throw it back to me.
Kyle: But it's down in the snow.
Kyle Two: ...So dig it out.
Kyle: But I'll get snow on my gloves and then it will melt and I'll have wet hands.
Kyle Two: ...Well, then we'll dry them off!
Kyle: Alright, then. [walks to the ball and digs it out]
Kyle Two: [turns away] Oh my God.
Cartman: [offscreen] Kyle, Kyle! [arrives] I just found out that in World War II, some Jewish people were sent to concentration camps.
Kyle Two: [Angrily] Yeah! They WERE, Cartman!
Cartman: Oh, and see, I didn't realize that. But I understand now how you might've felt what I said in the classroom was a racial slut. But see, I had no idea.
Kyle Two: You did, too! You are so full of crap!
Cartman: No, I'm seriously! Because, um, I was, I was talkin' to Craig, and Craig was all like, "Hey, did you know that in World War II they really HAD concentration camps?" And I was all like, "No way!" And this little light went on in my head like, "Aw man, no wonder Kyle thought what I said in the class, seemed like it was directed at his cousin." But, but I was literally talkin' about a concentration camp, you know, where you go for a week to learn and focus, you know. Oh, mahan. [Kyle Two gets even angrier] What a misunderstanding, huh? [tries to be chummy with Kyle. Kyle brushes him off]
Kyle Two: You blew the deal, Cartman!
Cartman: Goddamnit, give me another chance!
Kyle Two: [his cousin walks up behind him with the football] Nuh-uh, I knew you were gonna make fun of my lame cousin, so I paid you the forty bucks NOT to rip on him! You ripped on him, deal's off!
Kyle: Uh you did what? [Kyle Two blanches]
Kyle Two: [puts his mittens up to his cheeks] Oh no.
Cartman: Haha, [slaps him on the back] serves you right, asshole. [leaves]
Kyle: You, you paid your friends tuh... [hangs his head] not make fun of me?
Kyle Two: Look, ih it's not because anything's wrong with you.
Kyle: Wow uh, you think it takes forty dollars to get people to like me.
Kyle Two: Kyle, I-eh I'm sorry.
Kyle: Because I m-I mean I really think you could have done it for about $12.50.
Kyle Two: What?
Kyle: Well, I mean, you didn't just start at 40, didja? You you gotta low-ball these things so you have a place to go.
Kyle Two: Uh-uh-uh oh, dude. Uh [shuffles away]
Kyle: Boy it sure is dry out here.
Scene Description: Mr. Garrison's house, backyard. The invited guest sit in two rows of chairs
Mr. Garrison: Gentlemen, imagine being able to travel safely at incredibly fast speeds, and not having to go to the stupid fartface airports!
Mr. Hat: That sounds incredible, Mr. Garrison.
Mr. Garrison: It IS incredible, Mr. Hat. And what makes IT possible [the back gate open and Kyle walks in] is IT's patented gyroscope design. [he backs up and unveils the vehicle] Gentlemen, I give you, IT!
Guests: Whoa.
Steve Forbes: Nice.
Donald Trump: Sweet.
Mr. Garrison: IT gets over 300 miles to the gallon, and is safely capable of speeds of over 200 miles per hour.
Guests: Whoa. Wow.
Bill Gates: This will change everything.
Steve Jobs: We're going to have to rethink cities!
Mr. Garrison: [puts on a helmet] Now, IT is easily operated using four flexigrip handles. Two of them are on each side. Left side for throttle, right side for steering. [operates each one as he describes it] The third flexigrip is gently inserted into the anus, to keep the driver in place. [gets into the wheel and activates the flexigrip. It extends into his anus and he groans as it locks him in.]
Guests: Ugh. Oh.
Mr. Garrison: ...there we go. Now, the final flexigrip is directly in front of the driver so that its small switches can be operated with the mouth, as such. [begins to suck on the flexigrip, then stops] Put the four together and we're ready to go. [gets the four flexigrips to work in unison and the vehicles takes off, first one way...]
Steve Jobs: Oh my God! [...and then the other. The guests turn to see IT zoom across the yard]
Steve Forbes: Look at it go! [Garrison crashes through the fence and disappears in the distance. Kyle, standing next to the new hole in the fence, isn't hurt]
Bill Gates: But the way it works... do you think people will go through that to travel?
Steve Forbes: Hey, it... still beats what you go through at the airports.
Guest 1: True.
Guest 2: Yup.
Guest 3: Yeah, that's true.
Guest 4: Yeap.
Scene Description: The Broflovski house, night. Two lights are on
Scene Description: Kyle Two's room. Stan is writing in a book as Kyle speaks
Kyle Two: I can't take it anymore, Stan. My cousin's been here for two weeks and he's driving me insane.
Stan: I know, dude. Every kid in school wants to kick his ass.
Kyle Two: I spent five years in this town making a good name for Jews and this... this... stereotype shows up and wrecks it all! You know what my biggest fear is? That I'll become him. That somehow his mannerisms will start rubbing off on me, and I'll become a stereotype. I mean, I'm a Jew and he's making me hate Jews.
Stan: Dude, a self-hating Jew? You are becoming a stereotype.
Kyle Two: Ya see?
Kyle: [opens the door] I'm ba-ack!
Kyle Two: [slaps his head] Ugh.
Stan: Book. Later, dude. [leaves the desk, walks to the door and around Kyle, and exits. Kyle Two gets out his own writing book and starts writing. Kyle's breathing can be heard, and Kyle Two stops. Kyle eats a bit of cracker and Kyle Two resumes writing. After a while he grimaces, then buries his face in his arms]
Scene Description: South Park, day. The day for IT's unveiling is here, and it's being offered at Better Buy. Another camera focuses on the Hispanic reporter
Jeff Arrando: Tom, the day is finally here. IT has arrived for retail sale, and people are getting their first look at it.
Mr. Garrison:: [showing Craig's father how it works] Okay, good. Just step through here [the man does so] And then this is your steering and here's your throttle.
Craig's father: Okay. [starts working the flexigrips]
Mr. Garrison: Okay, now you're just gonna feel a little pinch.
Craig's father: [feeling it] HAAAOW!
Mr. Garrison: It's alright, it's just locking you in. [some more groans from the man] You can take it. [looks up to see another rider] Doing great, Kathy. How's that ride? [she mumbles something, gives a thumbs-up, and continues driving. Garrison goes back to Craig's father] Okay, now use your mouth to operate the turn signals, and you're off. [the man gets all four flexigrips going, and he begins to roll down the street. Two men bring out a new one] Great! Who else wants to give it a spin? [an elderly woman steps forth grinning]
Scene Description: In front of Better Buy. IT drivers move about as Randy and Stuart look on. Craig's father rolls to a stop next to them
Randy: Oh, man, it that the IT?
Craig's Father: Hehyeah.
Stuart: How is it?
Craig's Father: Well, ugh. Ih ih it beats dealing with the airline companies, that's for sure. [rolls on]
Scene Description: Neighborhood, day. The boys have Kyle on a sled, which is tied to...
Kyle: I don't know about this, guys. I think sleds are dangerous.
Kyle Two: Look, Kyle. Sledding is something all kids out here do. You've gotta learn.
Kyle: It seems like I might get splinters, though.
Kyle Two: [moves to the front of the sled to face his cousin] Remember: Just hold on. No matter how long the sledding run lasts, hold on.
Kyle: Hold on. I see. [...a bus. It revs up and leaves, headed for Connecticut. The rope between the bus and sled tightens, and the sled takes off] Oh, Jeezus, this sled is going faaaast.
Kyle Two: [calls out] Hang on!
Kyle: I have to watch out for my glasses. Ow! Ow, it's so cold! Oh Jesus! [the bus goes around a corner and is gone]
Kyle Two: How far do you think it is to Connecticut?
Kyle: It's a least a couple of hours.
Kyle Two: Think he'll be alright?
Cartman: [leaving] He's faaahn.
Scene Description: Commercial
Announcer: [shot of a plane in the air, then of a full cabin] Are you tired of corporate airline companies treating you like a worthless sardine? [angry faces crowded into each other] Tired of ridiculous lines and horrible security at airports? [angry, vocal crowds yelling at security guards who seem to be taking their time. Next: shot of the plane in midflight again] Well, now there is an alternative to airline travel. [Next shot, an IT zooming down the road. The camera now moves along with IT] IT. [the driver leans to the left a bit to see where he's going] IT has taken the country by storm. [A J-mart is shown, and several ITs are parked out in the lot] And already two million have been sold. [An IT driver is shown going down the street. Another IT driver passes him] Never have another important business trip ruined by airline incompetence. [two elderly women ride to the edge of a canyon] Hey ladies! How did you get to the Grand Canyon? [they answer, but their voices carry and blur in the canyon. Next shot: a woman exits her house with her baby] IT comes in sizes for the entire family.
Woman: [putting the baby, Robby, into his own small IT.] Here you go, Robby. [Robby cries]
John Travolta: [in a studio stage, Stage C, somewhere, gets off his chair] Hello, I'm John Travolta. I used to rely on airlines to get me to set, but once I got used to IT, [walks over to IT and gets in] I found it to be a little less painful than dealing with the airline companies. I just power up the flexigrips. [groans in pain as the anal flexigrip takes hold] And I'm ready to go. Thank you, IT. [revs up and takes off.]
Announcer: [a shot of ITs entering and leaving a parking lot] So join the millions of Americans who have felt a little more comfortable with... traveling. [the oral flexigrip squirts something in a driver's eye. The IT logo appears] Order yours today and remember our slogan: IT's better than flying.
Scene Description: Kyle's house, living room. Kyle Two has finished watching the commercial
Kyle Two: ...Hm, that was pretty gay. [starts humming, and Sheila enters the room]
Sheila: Kyle Two, where is Kyle?
Kyle Two: [poised] I don't know, Mom. Last time I saw him he was sledding.
Sheila: Where on earth could he be? [starts to leave]
Kyle Two: You know, it's just possible he went back to Connecticut.
Sheila: [quickly returns] What?
Kyle Two: Well, ah I mean, maybe he got so worried about his mom that found a way to get back and see her.
Sheila: Don't be ridiculous, Kyle Two. He's out playing with his new friends.
Kyle Two: I'm just throwin' it out there as a possibility. [the doorbell rings and he goes to answer the door]
Kyle: [at the door] I'm ba-ack.
Kyle Two: AAA!
Kyle: [enters] I'm sorry. You must've been worried sick. I got your sled tangled up with a bus. [looks at Kyle Two]
Kyle Two: A, a bus. R-really?
Sheila: [rushes up] Kyle, what happened to you??
Kyle: Ah- I was just sledding, and the next thing I knew my sled rope got tangled with a bus, uh. I gut dragged for over a hundred miles before the bus finally stopped for gas. [gives Kyle Two the remains of the sled] I'm sorry about your sled, Kyle.
Kyle Two: Oh no- don't worry about it, dude.
Sheila: Oh you poor thing! Come upstairs and we'll get you out of those wet clothes. [leads him away. Kyle Two looks dismayed] Are you alright?
Kyle: Oh, my ears feel like they're frozen off, and I think I have a hemorrhoid from sitting on the sled for so long.
Scene Description: IT dealership, day. The IT has grown so popular it's left Better Buy for its own sale space. The camera pans across the showroom floor to Mr. Garrison, seated in front of an IT Motors Inc. sign. He's got a stack of bills to his right and a computer to his left, all on a futuristic desk
Mr. Garrison: We're in the money, Mr. Hat, We're in the money, Mr. Hat... [Jimbo, holding his lower back, walks up to Mr. Garrison] Oh hi, Jimbo. Can I help you?
Jimbo: Yeah, I wanted to order that theft alarm for my IT.
Mr. Garrison: [reaches under his desk and pulls out a form] Oh, right, right. Take a seat.
Jimbo: Uh, that's okay, I'll stand.
Mr. Garrison: [Randy walks up to the desk] What do you think, Mr. Marsh? All set to put a down payment on that baby?
Randy: Well, yeah, but I have one question about the way it works.
Mr. Garrison: Sure.
Randy: Well, [walks back to IT] it seems all the buttons on these front and rear flexigrips are also found on the side of the vehicle.
Mr. Garrison: Yeup.
Randy: [returns to the desk] Well... so... they don't really... do anything.
Mr. Garrison: Right.
Randy: So then, couldn't I just order one that works without going in and out of my ass and mouth?
Mr. Garrison: [thinks about this a moment] Well, I... guess you could. [a view of the showroom]
Man 1: Huh?
Man 2: Whazzat?
Man 3: Wha- what did you- what did he say?
Man 4: What?
Scene Description: Denver International Airport, day. A plane takes off. Inside the terminal the boys and Kyle stand around
Kyle: I don't know about this guys. I think playing hide and seek in the airport might be dangerous.
Kyle Two: Kyle, we told you: Kids in Colorado all play hide and seek at the airport.
Stan: Yeah, as soon as we get to the concourse you'll see how fun it is.
Kyle Two: [leans towards Stan and in a low voice] Ungh, this is taking too long. The flight to Connecticut is about to leave. [looks at the guard] Ey! Can we speed things up here??
Security Guard: Daaah, sorry, but ever since that IT thing came out the airlines have had to cut back on employees.
Kyle Two: Dude, we're the only ones here! How long does it take five people through security?!
Security Guard: Derr, let's see: Twelve people... plus... times... divided... two hours domestic, three hours international.
Kyle: Can't we just play hide and seek at home?
Kyle Two: No!
Security Guard: [to Kenny] Dah ha! What's this?! A toenail clipper! [rises to his feet and aims a gun at Kenny] Die, terrorist! [kills him with one shot]
Kyle: Oh, Jesus!! [the corpse starts to bleed]
Security Guard: See, we do these checks for a reason!
Kyle Two: This is ridiculous! Come on! [leaves. The others except Kyle follow. Cartman stops and pulls Kyle away. The boys head through some doors designated for employees only, with security bypass]
Scene Description: Tarmac, outside. The boys stop at a plane ready to take off
Kyle Two: Okay, Cartman, you're it. Start counting. [Kyle Two pulls Kyle away, Stan follows]
Cartman: [turns toward the landing gear and buried his face in a wheel, then starts counting] 1, 2, 3, 4...
Kyle Two: [Stan and Kyle Two stop at a box] Here, Kyle. You go hide in here. [shows him the box]
Kyle: In there? But it's very confined. I'll get cramps in my legs.
Kyle Two: JUST GET IN THE BOX!
Kyle: Uh, alright then. [goes in. Stan and Kyle Two quickly seal the box with wrapping tape and carry it off] Oh, would you look at that? I've got a corn on my ankle. [the two boys toss the box into a luggage cart, an employee tosses the box onto the conveyor, and it falls into the cargo bay with the other luggage] Now where did that one come from? That's the fourth one I've had- [the plane taxis to the runway and is ready to take off]
Kyle Two: I hope he doesn't suffocate.
Cartman: [leaving] He's faaahn.
Stan: Yeah. He'll be waaay better off back at home. [he and Kyle watch the plane lift off]
Kyle: Oh, Jesus, this bus is going fast! [as the plane climbs, the side of it is shown: Air Antarctica] Oh, I did it again!!
Scene Description: IT dealership, day. Crowds mill around the dealership. Federal agents raid the building and start hauling ITs away. Mr. Garrison isn't pleased
Mr. Garrison: Excuse me, what the hell are you doing?
Agent 1: It's alright, we're with the government.
Agent 2: We're just shutting you down.
Mr. Garrison: Shutting me down? Why?
Agent 3: [the first two agents exit with an IT] The airlines are in desperate trouble. Your vehicle is causing them to lose money.
Mr. Garrison: Yeah, well that was the point, dingleberry! Ah-t put that down!
Agent 4: Right, so the government is bailing the airlines out again, by shutting you down and making ITs illegal.
Mr. Garrison: OH, GOD-DAMNIT! You'd better be kidding! [pounds the desk]
Agent 5: Sir, many people work for the airlines. We can't let them all be fired.
Mr. Garrison: THE AIRLINE COMPANIES ARE LOSING MONEY BECAUSE OF THEIR OWN INCOMPETENCE AND THEIR OWN INEFFICIENCY!!
Agent 6: That may be true. But if you build, sell, or ride another IT, "it" will be the last time. Have a nice night. [the agent and his partner walk off with the last IT and Garrison is left with a barren showroom]
Mr. Garrison: HWAAAAHHH! Airline motherfuckerrrs! You pieces of shiiit! Cocksucking sons of bitch airlines! [the agents, in their black cars and big rigs, leave]
Scene Description: The Broflovski house, night. In the living room, Sheila paces the floor as Kyle sits on the sofa
Sheila: Oh, it's been days! Where can he be?
Kyle Two: I dunno, Mom. It's like he vanished into thin air.
Sheila: I'm gong to call the police again. Kyle Two, go down to the playground and look there.
Kyle Two: [gets off the sofa] I already checked the playground, Ma. [reaches the front door and opens it] I told you, he isn't really- [turns in astonishment to see Kyle back at the front door]
Kyle: I'm back.
Kyle Two: GAAAH! [hangs his head in dismay]
Sheila: [offscreen] Kyle! [Kyle enters] You're back!
Kyle: Yeah, it was the craziest thing. I hid myself on a plane to Antarctica. Oh, it was so dry down there.
Scene Description: The Broflovski house, a few days later. Stan and Cartman approach the door. Inside, Kyle is standing in the living room, his arms crossed. He's clearly pissed off. The door opens, and Stan and Cartman walk in.
Stan: So dude, did Cartman's idea work?
Kyle Two: No. I tried getting my cousin lost in the woods, but a stupid bear brought him home.
Stan: Damn!
Kyle Two: I just have to face facts that I'm goin' to live with my crappy cousin forever.
Kyle: [approaching with Sheila, carrying suitcases, ready to go home] Well, Kyle, I I gotta go.
Kyle Two: [the boys are stunned] ...What?
Kyle: Yeah, I've gotta get back to Connecticut.
Sheila: Now that things have changed for Kyle, his mother needs him back.
Kyle Two: [gasps in relief and turns to Kyle] Do you promise?? [steps back] I mean, oh. Thah-uh that's too bad, dude. What, what changed for you?
Kyle: Well, I- I invested in that IT thing, and there was a bailout, so I received a five million dollar bailout clause check, which, which I can use to help my family, so, I- I guess, goodbye, cousin. [heads for the door with Sheila]
Kyle Two: Okay. See ya, cousin. Hope to see ya soon. [once Kyle is out of earshot, says in a low voice] Not too soon, I hope.
Stan: Yeah, haha.
Cartman: Heheheheheh. [the door is heard opening and they realize what Kyle just told them]
All Three: Five million dollars??? [they quickly rush up to Kyle and block him from leaving the house. Sheila is already outside]
Kyle Two: Dudedudedude! You- you have five million dollars??
Kyle: Yeah, I don't know what to do with it, though. Well, see ya.
Kyle Two: [holds his palms out] Wait. Kyle, this may sound crazy, but I think you should stay!
Stan, Cartman: Yeah!
Kyle: Re- really?
Kyle Two: Yeah. You see, I've learned something today. [Sheila watches from outside, waiting for Kyle. Music starts up] Sometimes people have trouble fitting in at, at school and,... [music dies] and um... Let's see, what did I learn about? [voice fading, strokes his chin] What did I learn about today?
Cartman: [steps forth] I- I, I learned that... you shouldn't judge somebody because... that-no, wait.
Kyle Two: Nonono, it was good! What were you going to say?
Kyle: Listen, guys, I appreciate you wanting me around, but, the fact of the matter is, well, yeh, you guys are just kind of douche bags.
Kyle Two: ... Uhwhat?
Kyle: I mean, yeyou people are all just such hick jock rednecks; it's just like you right out of a stereotyped catalog. [picks up his suitcases and goes towards the door] Ah I can't take it. See ya. [walks out and joins his aunt to the car. The boys are left stunned, having been judged and found wanting once again]
Kyle Two: Dude! Weak.
Cartman: [turns to Kyle] ...Good job, Jew!


Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Butters stands in front of the class witha small volcano - his science experiment.
Butters: ...And so, just like in nature, ah I can add the mixture into the volcano and... [throws his head back, closes his eyes, and chants] O Pele! God of Fire! Show us you uh- [the belching volcano draws his attention as it coughs up the "lava"] Aw, it's all uh g-gooey.
Ms. Choksondik: Okay, good job, Butters. You get a check.
Butters: Ah, thank you, Ms. Choksondik! [wheels his experiment back to his desk] I got a check. That's like a C!
Ms. Choksondik: Okay. Whose project should we look at next? How aboouuut Eric? [tape is heard leaving its spool] Eric Cartman?
Cartman: [wrapping something together] Stand by, please.
Ms. Choksondik: NOW Eric!
Cartman: [leaving his seat] Oh, god dammit!
Kyle: Haha!
Cartman: Shutup, Jew! [moves to the clearing, turns around, and faces the class. He clears his throat] Yes, well. For my project, I made a pencil, taped to a pen. In this way we see the duality of writing devices that occur in nature.
Ms. Choksondik: You just put that thing together just now! I'm giving you a check minus.
Cartman: Oh GODDAMMIT I HATE CHECK-MINUS!
Ms. Choksondik: Siddown. [Cartman walks towards his desk]
Cartman: I'll make you eat your parents!
Ms. Choksondik: What did you say?!
Cartman: Nothing! [takes his seat]
Ms. Choksondik: Alright, Token, you're next. [Token leaves his seat carrying a laptop computer, then turns towards the class]
Token: Using my laptop computer, I hooked into the Internet and found a meteorology Web site. [pops open the case and displays the page] I donwloaded the data, and with my dad's video projector, I can show you the graph I made of predictable weather patterns over the next three months. [pulls the projector over and plugs it into the laptop, then runs the graph. The resulting projection shows cloud formations moving across the U.S. Ms. Choksondik is impressed]
Clyde: Wwooww.
Token: [turns around and shows some sheets to the class] I also printed out the results on my color printer. Here you are, Ms. Choksondik. [hands her the papers]
Ms. Choksondik: Very very good, Token. You get a check plus.
Token: Alright! [goes back to his seat with his laptop]
Cartman: Aw, that is such bullcrap!
Ms. Choksondik: [sigh] Eric, for the love of God. [drops her head down to her desk]
Cartman: No! No, see, this is the fundamental flaw with the check check-plus check-minus system! The only reason Token was able to do all that is because his family is rich!
Token: My family isn't rich.
Cartman: Oh, come on, Token! Your new house is four times the size of anyone else's in town! And who else gets crab cakes and, and lobster tail in their lunch boxes?!
Stan: Your family is rich, dude.
Token: But I...
Cartman: [leaves his seat and walks over to Token] Let's just see where Token's clothes come from, shall we? [tugs at his sweater] Ooooo, Armani Exchange!
Kyle: Aharmani Exchange?
Cartman: All the rest of us have to buy our clothes at J mart! Have you even been inside a J mart, Token?! [Token opens his mouth to say something, but shuts it up instead] I didn't think so! [moves back to his seat.]
Stan: Yeah, dude, your family is so rich they have their own pool table.
Butters: Yeah. And their own sprinkler system. You don't think you're rich? [zoom in on Token's face as he realizes they may be right]
Scene Description: Token's house, after school. His parents are at the sofa. His father reads a newspaper; his mother, a book. Token walks in
Linda: [notices and lowers her book] Hello Token. How was school today?
Token: Mom? Dad? Why do we have a bigger house than everybody else in South Park? [both parents blink and lower their reading materials]
Bob: Well, because we have more money, son.
Token: I know. But why?
Bob: ...W-well, because we went to graduate school and therefore have more lucrative jobs than most people in town. For instance, your mother is a chemist for a pharmaceutical company, whereas your friend Eric Cartman's mother is a crack whore. One pays more than the other.
Linda: Why, sweetie? What's the matter?
Token: All the kids at school made fun of me today because I'm rich.
Bob: ...Oh.
Token: I don't wanna be rich anymore! I wanna eat macaroni and cheese for dinner and, and wear clothes from J mart!
Linda: [voice quivering] J mart?
Bob: [comforts Linda] Son, you, you don't know what you're saying.
Token: I just wanna be like all the other kids in South Park. Please, Mom and Dad, please. [his parents blink and look at each other]
Scene Description: J mart, later. A small SUV pulls into the J mart lot. Token takes his first look at J mart. He is awed by it and pleased at the chance to shop there.
Bob: You... sure you want to do this, son?
Token: I'm sure. [the SUV stops and Token hops out. His parents follow, but just stand by the car]
Linda: Hmmm...
Bob: Where's the... valet?
Linda: He must be parkiing someone else's car.
Bob: Ah, here we go. [moves to his right as a man approaches and stops the man] Take good care of it, please. [puts the keys in the man's hands] Here's twenty dollars. [the man just stands there. The family walks into J mart through the center doors] Hoh? [shields his eyes from the lights] They've activated some kind of alien blinding device.
Token: That's not a blinding device, Dad. It's fluorescent lighting.
Bob: [relaxing] Oh.
Linda: [calling out] Excuse me, where can where would we find young men's fashion apparel? [an obese blonde woman appears]
Obese Woman: Aisle 6, next to the pretzels.
Bob: [eyes widen] Next to the-?!
Token: Come on! [runs forth. His parents follow, his father shielding his eyes. Token stops at a clothes rack and pulls out a pair of pants] Hey look: there pants are only five bucks apiece. They must really suck. What do ya think?
Linda: What, what brand are they?
Token: It doesn't matter, Mom. They're poor people pants.
Randy: [nearby with Sharon, who is checking out toilet paper] Hey, uh, Sharon? Isn't that the Williamses?
Sharon: [puts the paper in the shopping cart] Huh? [looks to see] Oh. Yeah, it is. [they see Token look at more pants] What are they doing here? They can afford to shop at Cherry Creek. [nearby two shopping carts clash]
Liane: Do you see that, Sheila? The Williamses are shopping here.
Sheila: I don't get it. He must pull in at least two hundred thousand a year. [others stop and stare as Token brings out another pair of pants for comparison. More people stop and stare, and a long silence follows]
Bob: S-son, can you just hurry it up? I don't think we quite fit n here.
Scene Description: Stan's house, afternoon. In the living room, six boys are gathered on the floor around a board game: Clockwise: Craig, Tweek, Clyde, Cartman, Stan, Kyle
Cartman: Oh, looks like you landed on Park Avenue, Stan. You own me ten million dollars.
Token: [enters the room] Hey you guys. [has a DVD under his arm]
Stan: Oh hey, dude. Did you bring the movie?
Token: I sure did.
Cartman: Hey, you changed your clothes, Token.
Token: Yeah, well, you know, I did a little shopping at J mart.
Stan: [gets up and walks over to Token] Alright, well, let's just watch the Lion King. Cartman's cheating anyway. [stops next to Token]
Token: Here you go. [hands him a DVD disk]
Stan: [looks at the disk] What's that?
Token: It's a DVD of the Lion King
Stan: DVD? We don't own a DVD player.
Kyle: Yeah, dude. [rises and joins Stan and Token] Nobody does. They're too expensive.
Cartman: Not too expensive for Token's rich ass family, apparently. [the others laugh and gether around Token]
Craig: Don't you have a VHS of it?
Token: I only have this.
Cartman: [takes the DVD and holds it up] Oh, well, let me take this disk up to the Enterprise and see if Captain Kirk can decrypt it. [the others laugh]
Token: What's a VHS?
Cartman: Oh, Jesus, dude. [Lowers the disk and laughs with the others]
Stan: Come on, guys. We'll just have to find other stuff to do. [heads for the door]
Kyle: [jokingly] What's a VHS? [laughs and the others laugh as they head for the door. Cartman tosses the DVD to Token, but it just falls to the floor.]
Scene Description: Token looks at the DVD, then at the boys, then at the DVD. He lets the DVD case fall to the floor on top of the DVD and leaves the house. Music comes up as he leaves the Marsh house
Token: Why can't I be like all the other kids? [sees Kenny and brother Kevin playing on their lawn. Kenny is flying around getting dizzy while Kevin plays with a deflated basketball.] They all have three-bedroom homes, broken trucks on their lawns. [hops onto a wooden box and peeks in - he sees Butters eating] And cut-up hot dogs for lunch It's not my fault my parents succeed so much. [leaves the window and walks over to Stark's Pond, then sits and pulls out a dollar coin from a small collection. The pond has thawed, and lily pods can be seen on the water. Token tosses the coin, and it skips across the water. He then walks on and stops across the street from the South Park Welfare Office. Craig and his family leave the office with their welfare check as Cartman and mom walk in.] There's no one in town I can relate to. I play with autographed baseball bats [he fades into a baseball uniform and holds a bat with Barry Bonds' signature on it] while everyone else just plays with sticks and pine cones [across the street he sees a baseball game, with Kyle pitching, Cartman catching, Stan at bat, Clyde in left field, and three other boys. Sticks and cones are being used. Stan hits the cone. It sails away and Stan rounds the bases] Has a boy ever felt so alone? [drops his bat and glove and walks away, then stops and gets a look of determination.] Well, who needs them anyway? I won't pretend to be something I'm not [rushes home and goes to his desk to work on something - a 2-page tabloid ad extolling South Park as the next Aspen] If I can't be poor, I've got to deal with what I've got. If I can't be like them, what I need is more rich kids around, So I'm not the only one, and then I won't be so... down. [he finishes, puts the ad into a sturdy envelope addressed to Forbes Magazine Department with some bills, and goes to the window to look at the sunset. Outside, the camera pulls back from the window] Please, God, send more rich kids... To my... Town [As the camera pulls back, Token's house is shown to be big indeed, with a three- or four-car garage set back some distance from the street. To the right, two more houses appear, but they are small next to the Williams house.]
Scene Description: Next shot, a mansion in the Hollywood Hills. The camera pulls back to show Will Smith reading Forbes Magazine
Will Smith: Ooo, look at this, honey. [his wife Jada walks up] A beautiful unspoiled town in the Rockies. This is just what we've been looking for!
Jada Pinkett Smith: "Like Aspen was 30 years ago." Sounds nice.
Will Smith: We could buy hundreds of acres of land for next to nothing! And then I could finally live like a cowboy.
Jada Pinkett Smith: Oh Will, the country would be such a nicer place to raise our kids!
Will Smith: O kids? [they show up]
Older Boy: Yes, Daddy?
Will Smith: How would you like to move to the Colorado Rockies?
Older Boy: The mountains, Daddy?
Girl: Can we have horses?
Older Boy: O can we? Can we Daddy?
Will Smith: You bet!
Kids: Hooray!
Scene Description: South Park, soon after, day. A new four-story mansion rises in a new lot. A crane positions the new fountain in a circular driveway in front of the mansion. Token grins as he watches the laborers work. A limosine and a moving truck pull up behind him. Will Smith and family pour out of the limo
Will Smith: Well, here it is. Our home to be.
Jada Pinkett Smith: Oh, Will, it's beautiful.
Token: [turns to greet them] Hi! Welcome to the neighborhood!
Will Smith: Why thank you, young man. We're the Smiths.
Older Boy: Ah, a local boy. You shall be our new playmate. I'm Frederick. This is my sister Lisa, and my brother Daniel [the younger boy grins and waves]
Token: I'm Token.
Lisa: Our daddy is a very famous actor. What does your daddy do?
Token: Aah, he's a lawyer. I think.
Will Smith: How quaint. Kids, why don't you play with little Token while your mother and I check out the town.
Frederick: Very well. Come, local boy. [the kids move off] Show us how to play your mountain games.
Token: All right! [rushes to catch up to them, but returns and stops] Thanks, God. [runs to catch up with the others]
Scene Description: Token's mansion, later. Token leads the Smith kids on a tour of the mansion
Token: ...And this is the room where my mom and dad keep their original v-Van Gogh painting.
Frederick: Yes, yes, we have one of those, too. In fact, we have seven of them, I believe.
Token: [with relief] You do? God, that's great!
Daniel: Why?
Token: I'm just so happy you guys moved into town. You see, I used to be the only rich kid. All the other families here are kinda [motions a low palm] low to [raises his arm to shoulder level] middle-income.
Lisa: Why? What happened to all their money?
Token: Well, they never really had any money.
Lisa: Well, then, why don't their daddies just act in a movie?
Token: Well I... think that.. they...
Frederick: Sometimes children must be very firm with their daddies.
Lisa: Indeed.
Frederick: Like when Daddy doesn't want to act in a movie because he thinks the script is bad.
Lisa: So we must plead with him: [falls on her knees] "Please, Daddy, please! It's twenty million dollard, Daddy."
Daniel: [falls on his knees] "Please, Daddy, please!"
Frederick: [falls on his knees] "Twenty million is still twelve million after taxes, Daddy!"
Lisa: "I want a llama, Daddy!"
Frederick: "I'd do the picture, Daddy!"
Lisa: "Please, Daddy!"
Frederick: "Daddy, please!"
Lisa: "Daddy, do the movie, Daddy!"
Daniel: "But Daddy!" [all three rise]
Frederick: And so Daddy does the picture.
Token: ...That's ...great.
Lisa: Twenty million dollars great.
Scene Description: A recording studio. A rapper is laying down some tracks.
Snoop Dogg: I found a girl who had an innie and I felt her with my jimmyPlayer-haters try to do me 'cause my rhymes are just tooo-
Engineer: Sorry, Snoop Dogg, but Will Smith is on line three for you?
Snoop Dogg: Oh. [removes his headphones and answers the telephone] William! How are you buddy?
Will Smith: [back in South Park on a public phone] Great, Snoop Dogg, and you?
Snoop Dogg: Couldn't be better. I'm just laying down some vocals for my new album.
Will Smith: [chuckle] Great, Snoop-Snoop. Listen: Remember how we always talked about wanting to buy property up in the mountains so our kids could ski and ride horses?
Snoop Dogg: Oho yes, the kids bug me about it all the time.
Will Smith: Well I found the place, Snooty-roo. It's in the Rockies, but totally undiscovered, laid-back, and beautiful.
Snoop Dogg: Ogh. It sounds lovely!
Will Smith: You really should come give it a look. Jada and I would love for some friends to move here with us.
Snoop Dogg: I certainly will, William. And perhaps I'll give ol' Maigc and Kobe Bryant a call. They've been looking for vacation properties as well.
Will Smith: Great! Well, let me let you get back to your recording.
Snoop Dogg: Hah, see you soon. Bye. [hangs up and puts on his headphones]
Will Smith: Bye. [hangs up]
Snoop Dogg: Alright, let's take it from the top, gang. [the rhythm starts up again and plays for a few seconds...]I shout "Hell Yeah!" from my vehicle. Livin' is a miracle-
Scene Description: South Park, day. Another rich family moves into town. Jimbo, Ned, and Mr. Garrison watch from across the street.
Mr. Garrison: Look, there's more of them moving into our town. [other men join these three. Among them are Randy, Gerald, Stuart, and Skeeter] You know, Oprah Winfrey is building a house up on Cannon, and some Snoop Doggy Doo Doo buildin' a gigantic place up on Main.
Jimbo: Yep, there goes the neighborhood. [a shot of the new family headed for the house]
Mr. Garrison: That's the fifth family of them that's moved here. Seems like all of a sudden South Park is being overrun by those types.
Gerald: Hey! W-what are you saying? What "types"?
Mr. Garrison: [pointing] Yiou know, those types! Rich people! [shot of movers and family members moving furniture into the new home]
Jimbo: Oh. I don't take kindly to rich folk. Neither does Ned.
Ned: Nnnope.
Jimbo: I remember back in the day, RICH folk weren't alLOWED in South Park! Now thery're movin' here in droves!
Skeeter: They're gonna be sending their kids to our schools, and mixin' them with our pure, non-rich kids!
Mr. Garrison: Oh, yeah, and it won't be long before they drove all of us poor underachieving people out of town with inflated real-estate costs!
Skeeter: Damn, I hate those stupid richers!
Mr. Garrison: Yeah. [calls out] Hey, rich guy! [a man holding a box of dishes is laughing at something his partner said, but both men look at Mr. Garrison, and the grin vanishes] Hey, Richie Rich! Yeah, I'm talkin' to you, richer! What's in the huge box, richer?! Your checkbook? [the men laugh]
Jimbo: Yeah. How many rich people does it take to screw in a light bulb? None! They can hire people to do it for them! [the men laugh again]
Mr. Garrison: Yeah. Hey, hey, you guys know why richers have such big garages? 'Cause they need a place for all their Porsches and boats and aircraft carriers! [the men laugh. The two black men just look at this crowd] Yeah, that's right, cashchucker! Go have fun with your two million dollar house! [laughs. The two men across the street look at each other, confused, and go into the house with the boxes they pulled from the truck]
Jimbo: I guess we showed them!
Scene Description: Another house, nearby. A crane is positioning a swimming pool. Oprah Winfrey directs the workers from the edge of the lawn
Oprah Winfrey: A little to the left. That's great and- Let's put another pool over there. [a kid stands across the street, behind Oprah] Uh huh, good. [close-up in the kid - it's Token. Frederick approaches him from screen left]
Frederick: Token, these are Oprah's newly-adopted children, Dominique and Zizi.
Dominique and Zizi: Hello. [Lisa and Daniel join Frederick so that Dominique and Zizi are behind them]
Token: Hi.
A Boy: [enters screen right] Cheerio!
Frederick: Ah, and these are Puff Daddy's kids: P Diddy Mini, P Poofy Bite-size, and Poppa Diddy Diddy Puff Fun-size.
Token: Wow, my plan to get rich people here sure did work. Hey, I got a great idea! Let's all pack some lunches and go sledding.
Lisa: Oh no, we're going shopping.
The kids: [exulting] Shopping!
Frederick: Yes, come Token. We're all going to head down to the mall and buy some of the stores. [the group begins to move screen left as Token stands there]
Token: Oh. Alright then. [turns right and joins the group]
Scene Description: The local bar, night. It's pretty busy, with people chatting away and enjoying their beer. Some motion is seen outside the doors, and soon they open. Three rich men enter and scan the bar, then move to a nearby table and sit. One of them is Kobe Bryant
Kobe Bryant: 'Scuse me, can ew get a couple of beers here? [the jukebox stops and all the bar patrons look at the new guests.]
Skeeter: They've got nice expensive beers for you across the street at the new Wolfgang Puck's.
Kobe Bryant: That's alright, we just want some cheap beer tonight. [the men at the bar glare at the three men]
Barkeep: ...Maybe you didn't see the sign out front: This bar is for people livin' below their means ONLY!
Men: Yeah!
Kobe Bryant: This is a free country. I can have a drink wherever I want.
Man 1: [stands up and urges] Come on, Kobe, let's just go.
Kobe Bryant: []This ain't over! This ain't over by a long shot! [leads his two friends out of the bar]
Mr. Garrison: [turns to the bar with the others next to him] Those richers are getting snooty. We've got to show those richers they're not welcome here!
Ned: Nn-what do you mean?
Mr. Garrison: How about tonight, we sneak up to one of their houses, and right on their lawn we'll set fire to a big lowercase "t"!
Jimbo: Lowercase "t"?
Mr. Garrison: Yeah, for "time to leave"!
Bar Patrons: Yeah!
Mr. Garrison: Jimbo, you take some folk and build a big wooden lowercase "t"! I'll take the rest and get some gas and torches ready!
Mr. Garrison: Alright!
Scene Description: Kobe's mansion, night. Through a bay window he's seen reading his newspaper in an armchair near a fireplace. A FOOM is heard and a flicker of light is reflected on the walls outside Kobe's house. He notices, takes a hard look, rises from his chair and goes to the front door. He opens it, annoyed, but his expression changes to one of fright. He sees the lowercase "t" burning on the lawn
Kobe Bryant: Tee. T- Time to- leave?
Mr. Garrison: [from some bushes across the street] T is for "time to leave," cashchucker!
Kobe Bryant: I'm callin' the police. [moves inside to make the call]
Skeeter: I think we scared 'im.
Jimbo: Yeah. Next house we'll do a capital T, to show 'em we REALLY mean business!
Men: Yeah!
Scene Description: South Park, new polo grounds, day. A group of rich kids gather to begin a polo game. They all ride on ponies.
Frederick: Now Token, polo is very simple. You simply must hit the williard into some cilium with your fracaman.
Token: Well, yeah, but can't we just play without these uncomfortable uniforms? [the other players laugh]
Frederick: [playfully jabs Token] "Can't we play without the uniforms?" Yes, um. Lert's eat caviar without Bellini's as well! [the others laugh] Now come, Token, and remember: it doesn't matter who wins. It matters who wins three times in a row. Tally ho!
Players: Tally ho!
Player 1: Oh!
Player 2: Yay!
Player 3: This is exciting.
Player 4: Oh, Frederick, this is wonderful!
Cartman: What in the hell are they doing?
Kyle: Is that fun?
Stan: I don't know. We don't have horses, so we can't play.
Cartman: Well, let's just play our game, then.
Kyle: Alright.
Cartman: Alright, I'll start. I'll kick you in the nuts, Kenny! [goes over and kicks Kenny in the nuts - Roshambo has begin!]
Kenny: (Ow!)
Kyle: I'll kick you in the nuts, Stan! [goes and does so. Kenny kicks Cartman in the nuts. Cartman returns the favor]
Stan: I'll kick you in the nuts, Cartman! [leaves Kyle and kicks Cartman in the nuts. When he turns around Kenny kicks him in the nuts.]
Cartman: Kick his nutsack! [kicks Kyle in the nuts. Stan kicks Kenny in the nuts. Token rides up and stops to watch the boys while the game continues. Soon, a player and horse ram into his and knocks him and his horse away - It's Frederick.]
Frederick: You see, you must pay attention, Token. I was able to jollyrow your davishmere with a forecastle.
Token: [rises and dusts himself off as his horse leaves] This game is too confusing. How about we have a snowball fight?
Player: A snowball fight?
Lisa: How barbaric.
Frederick: Yes, Token, if you want to play such savage games, I suggest you go live with lions. [the other players laugh at him as we turns wand walks away from them.]
Token: I don't fit in anywhere.
Scene Description: South Park, another part of town. Bill Cosby and his two kids
Bill Cosby:
Passenger 1: Hey! What are you doing? If you're going to ride the bus in South Park, you're gonna have to sit in the FRONT!
Passengers: Yeah
Passenger 2: Yeah, that's where the first-class seating is! [points to the front. The Cosbys rise and head for the front, where four seats are empty. His daughter takes a seat to his left, across the aisle, his son takes a window seat, and he takes the aisle seat next to his son.]
Passenger 1: Yeah. How do you like that, richer?!
Bill Cosby: Well it's very nice, actually
Passenger 1: Yeah, I'll bet it is!
Bill Cosby: Very, very comfy.
Passenger 1: Uh huh, looks like it.
Scene Description: A field, a while later. Token stands there talking to someone
Token: Hello, my name is Token. I don't fit in with all the kids at South Park Elementary so, I invited a bunch of rich kids to move to town. The problem is, I don't fit in with them, either. That's why I've come to live with you. [the camera pulls back to reveal the field is actually a lion's lair. A sign outside the lair says AFRICANUS LIONUS CARNIVORUS. A waterfall gurgles nearby and lions laze about] So if you'll have me and raise me as one of your own, I promise to be the best lion I could be. [two lions growl at him] Uuuh, yeah.
Scene Description: Chef's house, day. Chef is seen shoveling snow off his driveway
Chef: Shovel that snow, babih, it's all nice, heavy and wet. Just- [he hears voices and spins around. A group of rich folk are marching in protest]
Millionaire protesters: We shall perservere. We shall perservere.
Oprah Winfrey: You there, come march with us!
Chef: For what?
Oprah Winfrey: All the poor people in town think they can persecute and harass us decent rich folk.
Will Smith: So we're uniting and marching on the town square!
Kobe Bryant: [raises his fist a la Black Power] The Million Millionaire March!
Millionaire protesters: Yeah!
Oprah Winfrey: Come on, brother! [the protesters resume the march]
Chef: But... I'm not rich.
Will Smith: [stops and looks at Chef] What? [the others stop]
Chef: I'm just a school cafeteria chef. Ahah I don't make much money.
Will Smith: We'll give you a hundred dollars.
Chef: Woo, fudge the snow now. [tosses the shovel away and joins the march]
Millionaire protesters: We shall perservere. We shall perservere.
Chef: [with the others] I shall perservere. We shall perservere.
Scene Description: The lions' lair at the zoo, later. Token takes a raw steak and bites into it, growling
Token: RRrrr!! [rips a piece of steak off with his teeth and chews on it]
Milly Larsen: [rushes up to the lair cage] Look at the little black lion, Mommy. [her mother passes by with her little sister in a stroller]
Mrs. Larsen: He's cute, isn't he? [the girl rejoins her mom and walks away. Two lions growl at each other and stand up, then leap down off their rock and stand next to Token. He move his steak out of their reach]
Token: Roar! [the lions step back and look at each other]
Lion 1: What are you doing here, boy?
Token: You- you talked. I, I understood you. I must be becoming a lion!
Lion 2: You're not becoming a lion. The only way you can do that is to see Aslan.
Token: Who's Aslan?
Lion 1: Very well, walk this way. [they walk off, and Token gets on all fours to follow them. They go through a low entrance into a white cave in the middle of which sits a great lion - Aslan]
Aslan: [regal voice] Is this the boy who's been living in our realm?
Lion 2: Yes. [two other lions come in and watch]
Token: Are... you... Aslan?
Aslan: M-I am.
Token: [rises] Well, I'm Token
Aslan: So, you want to live with the lions, do you?
Token: Yes. Um. Great Aslan. I don't fit in anywhere else.
Aslan: And what makes you think you can fit it with us?
Token: Well, I don't know.
Aslan: Do you like jokes?
Token: What?
Aslan: Jokes! You know, funny, hahaaa. Us lions love jokes.
Token: ...I like jokes a lot.
Aslan: Mmm. Then there may be hoipe in you yet, young apprentice lion. Very well. We wihill let you stay, if... you can pull this thorn from my paw. [holds up his left paw. Token looks at it, and Aslan moves it closer to him] Go on, try it. Pull my thorn! Come on! Pull my thorm! [Token approaches it and pulls the thron out. Aslan farts and the two escort lions snicker softly] Ho ho ho ho ho ho! Ho ho! [the other lions burst out laughing]
Token: So can I stay?
Aslan: He-you may. But being a lion may be harder than you think.
Scene Description: The local bar, later. The bar patrons watch a TV as a report is heard. Seen are Mr. Garrison, Randy, Stuart, Skeeter, Gerald, Jimbo, and Ned.
Reporter: [not seen yet] A billion billionaires are gathering their ranks and will be marchng on the town square tonight [now seen on TV] in South Park to petition the end of separate bars, bus seating and restaurants. It looks like it will be a great turnout, as some of the millionaires also paid several thousand Mexicans to march for them. [a marcher carrying a rake and shover hears this and turns around]
Skeeter: If they get that petition passed, it's all over.
Jimbo: I guess we learned our lesson: you can't fight rich folk; they're just too powerful.
Mr. Garrison: Now, come on! Is that any way to talk?
Skeeter: They won, Garrison. They can't be scared out of town.
Mr. Garrison: No! We just haven't scared them the right way! Think about it. What scares rich people more than anything? [the other men think about this for a second]
Jimbo: ...Ghosts?
Mr. Garrison: Bingo! Rich people don't want to live in South Park if they think it's HAUNTED!
Men: Yeah!
Mr. Garrison: Everyonen get some sheets from home! If we can't chase the richers out, we'll spook 'em out!
Men: Alright! Yeah! Let's Go! Right!
Scene Description: The zoo, lion's lair, night. The lions have eaten and lay about on the boulders. One by one, they belch and the others laugh. Token sets his bowl down...
Token: Huuuunh [...and walks over to Aslan] Aslan.
Aslan: Yes? What is it, young lion apprentice?
Token: ...I thnk I'm gonna go home now.
Aslan: Home. But I thought your friends made fun of you at home.
Token: They do. But, I guess I learned something today. You see, even though kids at South Park make fun of me, I still like hanging around them more than snobby rich kids or, lions. Even though I may be different from them, I still like my old friends best.
Aslan: It sounds like you learned much, young lion apprentice. Very well. But before you go, perhaps you would like... a stick of gum?
Token: [recalling that lions love jokes] ...No thanks.
Aslan: Go on. It's spearmint!
Token: No, because there's a spring in there, and if I pull the gum out, it's gonna hurt my finger.
Aslan: Oh. So you don't want any gum then? Are you... sure? Go on, try it!
Token: [pulls the stick out of the pack, and a small spring-loaded bar hits his thumb] Ow. [half-heartedly]
Aslan: [leads the other lions in a bout of hysterics] That is good stuhuff! [continues laughing with the other lions]
Token: [under his breath, as he leaves the lair] Jesus, lions suck!
Scene Description: South Park town square, night, in front of the Mayor's office. The billionaires are present, and Will Smith is at the podium
Will Smith: And so it is with great determination that us decent rich Americans have gathered to say: "We will be separated no more!"
Millionaires: Hooray!
Mayor McDaniels: This certainly has been an enlightening evening. And as Mayor, I accept your petition and will abolish all separation laws.
Millionaires: Yeah!
Mayor McDaniels: And I want to assure the nation that is watching that South Park is not a town of prejudice or bigotry.
Voices: Woooooo!! ["ghosts" appear from behind the various town buildings and rush towards the millioaire crowd. They surround the crowd, still makign ghost noises. The millionaires are startled]
Oprah Winfrey: What the-?
Mayor McDaniels: [shuts her eyes] God no. [Will Smith moves around not knowing what to do. A "ghost" spooks him]
Will Smith: AAAaaahhh! [the "ghosts" begin to disperse the millionaires]
Millionaire 1: Carl, do you see what I see?
Carl: Yes, Martin. I do believe this town is hainted. [two "ghosts" come up and startle Martin and Carl. Nearby, Will Smith's kids stand in a huddle, scared]
Will Smith: Kids! Go find the limo and get in! [the kids hurry off.]
Snoop Dogg: [walks up to Smith] You didn't tell me this town was hainted!
Will Smith: I didn't know! [grabs Snoop and shakes him] I.. DIDN'T... KNOHOHOHOW... [both men turn and flee as several "ghosts" move in on them. The "ghosts" take their sheets off: it's Skeeter, Mr. Garrison, Gerald, and Randy]
Skeeter: It's working!
Gerald: They're scared to death!
Scene Description: A mansion, the same one Mr. Garrison and the men saw earlier as they commented on the new richers moving in, night. The family rushes towrads the front door
Millionaire: Pack up your things quickly! We've got to get out of here! [some "ghosts" pop out from the bushes and drive the family away with their haunting noises.]
Scene Description: The town, night. "Ghosts" continue to chase the millionaires around. In the background, Stan leads a group of boys down the street. With him are Kyle, Cartman, Butters, Pip, Tweek, Clyde, and Craig
Stan: Oh hey, there's Token. [Token approaches them from the opposite direction]
Token: Hey guys.
Stan: Dude, we're gonna play football. Do you wanna play?
Token: You mean, you want me around?
Stan: Sure, dude, you're our friend.
Token: Yeah, I know. But you guys always rip on me for bein' rich.
Stan: Dude, just because we rip on you for being rich doesn't mean we don't like you.
Kyle: Yeah. We're guys, dude. We find something about all our friends to rip on. We made fun of you for being rich just like we make fun of Butters for being wimpy.
Butters: They sure do.
Stan: Yeah, like we rip on Kyle for being a Jew.
Kyle: Right.
Token: That's right, huh?
Kyle: And Stan for being in love with Wendy.
Stan: Yeah, I get it for that.
Kyle: And Cartman for being fat.
Cartman: Uh huh.
Kyle: And Cartman for being stupid.
Cartman: Yeah.
Kyle: And Cartman for having a whore for a mom.
Cartman: Hey.
Kyle: And Cartman for being a sadistic asshole
Cartman: Ey, you did me already!
Token: You're right, guys. From now on, I'm fine with being made fun of for being rich.
Stan: Oh, but we're not gonna rip on you for being rich anymore.
Token: You're not?
Kyle: No dude. Because since you got your feelings so hurt for being ripped on, now we think you're a pussy.
Stan: [walks past Token] Yeah, so now you're a pussy. Pussaholic.
Kyle: [walks past Token, behind Stan] Come on, Nurse Token. We're gonna play football, you puss.
Cartman: [walks past Token, behind Kyle] Pussy. [Pip walks by without saying anything]
Butters: [walks past Token, behind Pip] Heh yeah, later, puss.
Craig: [walks past Token, behind Butters] Ha, that guy's a pussy. [drags a sled behnd him. On the sled is Kenny, dead and badly beat up, with his right eye hanging out of its socket. Tweek and Clyde bring up the rear, and Token looks as they leave him behind]
Token: [turns to face the other boys] Wait! I liked being ripped on for being rich better! [walks behind the other boys]
Scene Description: The rich enclave, later. The men of South Park have succeeded in chasing the rich folks out of town, and they gather in front of a mansion. They take off their sheets
Skeeter: That was it. We just saw the last of them speeding away in a van!
Men: Alright!
Gerald: They were so scared, I'm sure they'll never be back!
Mr. Garrison: That's great! And now we can sell all their homes, and become... millionaires!
Men: [confused] What?
Jimbo: But then you had us do all that for nothin'. Don't you see: If you get rich sellin' these homes, then there will still be rich people in South Park.
Randy: Yeah. You'd become what you hate.
Mr. Garrison: Well yeah, but at least I got rid of all those damn ni-