Scene Description: The USGS in Colorado. Four men are shown at their desks working. Nelson is front and center, Randy is behind him to his right, and two more men work behind them
Randy: I mean, look guys, I know it's just the Dolphins, but Tebow is definitely our quarterback for the future. What do you think, Nelson?
Peter Nelson: I didn't see the game.
Randy: [soft sneeze] You didn't see the game? What the hell were you doing?
Peter Nelson: Took the wife down to Denver to see that new musical in town.
Randy: A musical? [laughs and rises from his chair to approach him] Nelson couldn't watch football 'cause his wife made him take her to a musical! [laughs while moving around the desk]
Worker 1: [bearded] Good for you, Nelson. Did you get a blowjob afterwards?
Peter Nelson: Sure did.
Worker 2: [clean-shaven] Niice. [Randy's smile turns into a frown]
Randy: What?
Worker 1: I took my girl to see that show last week. Got the best hummer of my entire life afterwards.
Peter Nelson: Forty-five minutes non-stop.
Randy: [surprised, then] Nuh uh.
Worker 2: It's true. I'm taking my wife on Saturday bro.
Randy: [looks back at him for a few seconds] Noh uh.
Peter Nelson: I'm telling you Randy, put your time in with the musical, and the rewards afterwards are awesome.
Randy: Must be... a pretty hot and steamy show. What's it called?
Peter Nelson: Wicked.
Randy: [interested] Oh. Wicked.
Scene Description: Denver, night. Wicked is playing
Singers: ...Heaven knows we know what goodness is O heaven knows wicked people aren't good. From head to toe, she was just wicked people Head to toe... She wasn't good, to know what goodness is...
Scene Description: During the song, Sharon has her hands over her heart and she's thoroughly enchanted. Randy studies her reactions. Onstage several actors sing their hearts out. One actress descends from the rafters on a large circular ornament. Randy keeps studying Sharon
Randy: Hey do you uh, do you want some alcohol or somethin', Sharon?
Sharon: Nono, I'm good, thanks.
Randy: Okay, I'll be right back. [gets up and heads for the aisle, passing a couple on the way] 'Scuse me, sorry. [leaves the auditorium]
Scene Description: a bar in the theater. Randy walks up to it and takes a seat. Another man is already at the bar with the bartender
Randy: Can I get a scotch and soda? [the bartender goes off to prepare it]
Man 1: Enjoying the show?
Randy: [nervous at first] Oh, yeah, it's not really what I expected.
Man 1: No?
Randy: To be honest, I'm just here for the blowjob. From what I heard I figured the show must be really sexy and hot, but... I just don't see it happening.
Man 1: Oh, it'll happen, don't worry. Right now your wife is being shot so full of subliminal messages, all she'll be thinking about afterwards is "blowjob."
Randy: Subliminal messages?
Man 1: It's a musical thing. Women are so caught up in all the singing and dancing they don't even notice it but, there's a blowjob reference almost every ten seconds. Broadway writers call it "subtext." Just listen really, really closely.
Scene Description: The auditorium. Randy returns to his seat
The Wizard: While you'll do great here in the Emerald City, I'm sure you can't wait to go!
Singers: Take me away to that special place (that blowjob place) Where people like us can all live free (Free to give blowjobs) Take me away and let's live together That's the place/blowjobs for you (blowjobs) and me
Scene Description: A man and woman sing next, alternating lines
Witches: Now let's try ... defying ... gravity ...
Male: ... Look at them ... becoming friends ... here in Oz, you love blowjobs.
Witches: And new loves cry ... defying ... gravity ...
Male: ... Suddenly ... Don't you love free love blowjobs?
Scene Description: The drive home. Sharon's happily looking up beyond the car ceiling
Sharon: Oho that was so much fun! All the costumes and the sets were amazing! I really love the songs. That Stephen Schwartz is a genius! I've got them all stuck in my head. [swoons a bit, then looks at Randy, then at his crotch, then at him again] Hey, that was such a treat. How would you like a little treat? [looks at his crotch again. Randy looks at her in surprise. She giggles and takes off her seatbelt, then leans over and begins to give him a blowjob]
Randy: [softly] Whoa, no way!
Scene Description: Park County Recreation Center, day. It has an aquatic center, and in there a bunch of kids stand in line for turns on the diving board. One fat kid is on the diving board wearing a life preserver. Waiting for the board are Stan, Cartman, Shelly, Kenny, and Clyde, amongst others. The fat kid is quite afraid and is crying
Stan: Come on, Larry! [Larry continues crying] Dude, why does this happen every time?
Shelly: Do something, you stupid vegan!
Cartman: Coach! Feegan the vegan won't jump off the board! Hey Coach!
Scene Description: At the other end of the pool are Coach Randy and his coworkers, and Stephen Stotch
Randy: You just don't get it, Stotch! I'm telling you, go see Wicked! It's the best time!
Man 2: How long was it?
Randy: She started in the car, and then it lasted the whole drive home, and then, she kept going for like another twenty minutes.
Worker 2: Nice, bro!
Randy: Get tickets, Stotch, it's worth it.
Stephen: What was the show about?
Randy: Uh, shit, I don't know, some green chick and a goat or something.
Scene Description: The diving board. Larry is still crying up there. Shelly makes her move.
Stan: Come on, Feegan, either jump or get off! [Shelly walks up the little ladder to the board and jumps up and down]
Shelly: Go! Go! [Larry bounces up and down crying, but doesn't fall into the water]
Scene Description: The other end of the pool
Randy: Look, I thought Broadway musicals weren't for me either, but I just didn't know about the whole subtext thing, you know? I couldn't really appreciate 'em till now.
Worker 2: Wicked isn't even the best, bro. You've gotta check out Jersey Boys! It makes women hummer crazy!
Randy: Really??
Worker 1: Nonono, have you see South Pacific? That's a jaw-breaker.
Scene Description: The Marsh house. Sharon is at the computer when Randy walks in
Randy: Say Sharon, how would you like to go to New York for the weekend?
Sharon: [gets off the chair] What?? Randy, are you serious??
Randy: [walks up to Sharon and hugs her] I got plane tickets and a hotel room! We leave in three hours!
Sharon: Oh my God, first you take me to Wicked and now this?
Stan: Hey wait, Dad, are you guys really going away? What about us?
Randy: Oh don't worry. I've taken care of everything! You're staying the weekend with the Feegans!
Shelly: Not the vegans!
Stan: No. Dad. Please don't do this!
Scene Description: The Feegan home, arguably the nicest house ever shown in South Park. The Feegans are indeed vegans, eating a dinner of mushrooms, alfalfa sprouts, vegan hot dogs, and tofu. They're also something of survivalists, as they all wear life preservers
Mr. Feegan: It takes a lot of guts to be a vegan in today's world! You get labeled "soft" or "silly." [he must have been talking for a while, for Stan and Shelly look bored] But the truth is there isn't a need to eat animal products. Would you ever believe that hot dog was vegan?
Shelly: Yes.
Mr. Feegan: Cancer, heart disease, drowning, all preventable with a vegan diet and a life jacket. And if people wanna say us vegans are silly, well they can just laugh all they want, 'cause being vegan is more important than being popular!
Shelly: Maybe you should let your son decide that for himself. [Larry is stunned and drops his fork, then looks as his parents' reactions. His parents are stunned too, but grow angry]
Mr. Feegan: He does decide for himself! Larry's been a vegan since he was born! [Larry waves at her to keep going]
Shelly: Maybe if Larry had a nice steak once in a while he wouldn't get beat up by every kid in school. [Larry signals for her to keep 'em coming]
Mr. Feegan: You know that when you think you have the flu, you're actually experiencing the gastrointestinal effects of contaminated meats or eggs? Researchers have found that in meat-eating households there is more fecal bacteria in the kitchen sinks than in the toilets.
Stan: [just outside the dining room on the phone with Randy while Mr. Feegan speaks.] Dad? Dad, you have to come back. This isn't working out. [no answer] Please answer the phone Dad. [no answer. He looks around] Dad?
Scene Description: Times Square, New York, night. A huge Cup Of Soup sign looms over the square, which is filled with taxis and advertisements for everything. A taxi takes Randy and Sharon around town. An original song, "Man Time," plays. First the Marshes watch "Cats." A couple behind them doesn't waste any time - the woman gives her man a blowjob during the play. Randy notices and the man puts up his left thumb. Randy approves with his right thumb. The doors open and everyone exits "Sister Act." Sharon whispers in Randy's ear and Randy brightens up, responds, and the couple goes away happily.
Country Singer: Man time! I need some Man Time! I got the horses fed and the truck locked up, been workin' my fingers to the bone. Now I need a little bit of man time, gonna see me a Broadway show!
Scene Description: Next play is "Anything Goes"
Female Sailor: Anything goes
Male Sailor 1: Blowjob!
Female Sailor: Anything goes
Male Sailor 2: Blowjob!
Scene Description: Next is "Godspell"
Singers: Man time!
Females: Hear things more clearly
Males: Day blowjob day!
Scene Description: Randy and Sharon are in a taxi again, and stop to see "The Jersey Boys." Then they're in a taxi and Sharon gives Randy a blowjob.
Scene Description: "Jersey Boys"
Country Singer: I'm about to get drunk and loud, gonna have me a rowdy good time. All I need is my girl and my truck and some Rodgers and Hammerstein!
Scene Description: Next, they're holding hands at "The Phantom of the Opera"
Christine: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH
The Phantom: Sing, my angel of blowjob music!
Scene Description: Next, they're watching "Les Misérables"
Female: But the tigers come at night!
Male: On you bed
Scene Description: Finally they watch "Sunday in the Park with George"
Singers: Man time!
Males: ...job, blowjob.
Females: It's cold up here, I'm locked up here
Scene Description: The Marshes are on a plane out of New York
Singers: Man time!
Scene Description: Randy is falling asleep, to Sharon gives him another blowjob, and he's awake and happy.
Singers: Man time!
Scene Description: Hooters, evening. Over curly fries and beer, Randy is sharing his trip with the group of men who were present at the aquatic center
Randy: Oh man! It was great! A different Broadway show every night! I'm telling you guys, New York is the place to be!
Man 2: Sounds like a dream, bro.
Randy: It felt like a dream, bro. Broadway is simply the greatest time a dude can have. Just kind of sucks to be back here now, you know? I mean there's no culture here. Only Broadway show in Denver is "Wicked" and I've already taken Sharon to see it twenty three times.
Worker 1: And Wicked moves to Seattle in a couple of weeks.
Peter Nelson: It's gonna be blue balls for all of us.
Stephen: Wish we could live in New York where all the musicals are.
Randy: Hey. Wait a minute. Why not bring Broadway to South Park?
Bob: Huh?
Randy: [gets up and walks off a bit] Think about it, brah. How hard can writing a musical be? We need some musicians, some actors. We can put on our own shows right here in town.
Scene Description: At a playhouse. Randy has begun rehearsals for his own musical. Onstage are the actors and a park bench
Lady 1: [dressed in cyan] O what a glorious Sunday. I know what I'd like to do with my time. [walks up to man nearby] Would you like a blowjob?
Man 3: Yes I would like a blowjob [smiles]
Both: Nothing beats a blowjob on football Sunday.
Lady 1: [approaches a man on a bench] Excuse me, I'm the queen of blowjobs.
Man 4: Really? I would love a blowjob.
All: A woman should give blowjobs on football Sunday
Lady 1: I want to be covered in semen on a bed in the Hotel Jerome [the park bench is pulled away and the actors gather around her] A woman is prettiest covered in semen.
All: Give you husband a blowjob when you get home.
Man 4: [to Lady 2, dressed in pink] And what about you, my fair lady? Could I trouble you for a quick Lewinsky?
Lady 2: Oh I don't know, kind sir. Blowjobs seem a little degrading to me.
Man 4: Come now, a blowjob isn't with your mouth, it's with your heart.
Men: Now get on your knees and put that heart to work!
All: Blowjobs, give up your blowjobs.
Scene Description: concurrent
Men: You're guilty at blowjobs, you love giving blowjobs
Women: ... Blowjobs, ...blowjobs, ...blowjobs, ...blowjobs
Scene Description: together
Singers: So what could be better on a football Sunday? What could be better on a football Sunday?
Scene Description: The Marsh house, day. Larry walks up with a daisy and knocks. Shelly opens the door and they look at each other for a few more seconds
Shelly: What do you want, Larry? [Larry raises the daisy up slowly, presenting it to her]
Larry: Today, I went to 7-11 and I ate a Slim Jim. It was the greatest thing I ever tasted. Nobody ever stood up for me before. [sets the daisy on the landing, then turns around and trots off. Shelly looks on in wonder]
Scene Description: The playhouse, next day. More rehearsals. Man 4's stage name is now given
Lady 1: Oh Reginald! How about a hummer at halftime? A Super Bowl suckle from me?
Reginald: A Super bowl hummer at halftime from my lovely blowjob queen!
Both: Two people in love it's amazing. Tim Tebow please don't let us down. How about a hummer at halftime-?
Representative: Mr. Randy Marsh?
Randy: And hold! [the stage falls silent] Sorry folks, we're in a hold. Just freeze right there. [to the representative] Uhh, this better be important.
Representative: It is. I represent some of the biggest names in all of Broadway. They wish to speak with you.
Randy: Really? Oh my Gaw! [to the cast] Take a break, guys. this could be it!
Scene Description: Hooters, day. The messenger and Randy walk in and towards a table
Representative: Mr. Marsh, this is Andrew Lloyd Webber [eating a drumstick]
Webber: Helleow.
Representative: Stephen Schwartz
Schwartz: [gruffly] Hey bro.
Representative: Mr. Elton John. [Elton John belches] and Stephen Sondheim.
Sondheim: Sup bro?
Randy: Not much, sup with you guys?
Sondheim: No. I mean, "sup, bro!"
Webber: Sit down, Mr. Marsh, we need to have a talk. [Randy takes a seat]
Schwartz: We got wind of your musical. Just what the hell do you think you're doing?
Randy: Same as you guys. Trying to get men lengthier, better-quality blowjobs.
Elton John: You're making it too obvious! Women are gonna figure out what we're doin'!
Sondheim: Musicals are about subtext!
Randy: My musical has lots of subtext.
Sondheim: "A blowjob isn't with your mouth, it's with your heart. Now get on your knees and put that heart to work."
Randy: And then she does. It's a metaphor.
Schwartz: Bro! What's metaphorical about a musical called "Splooge-Drenched Blowjob Queen"?!
Webber: Tricking bitches into hour-long blowjobs is an art form. You have to leave it to the professionals!
Randy: [rises] Well sorry if you guys think you have a monopoly on subtext! But us up-and-comers have a voice too!
Sondheim: You're gonna ruin everything, you idiot!
Randy: Sorry if my work isn't up to your standards! [rises, moving his chair aside] And now I need to get back to rehearsals. [leaves, then stops and turns around] Oh. And if "Splooge-Drenched Blowjob Queen" wins the Tony, don't expect to be invited to my after party. [turns around and walks out]
Scene Description: The Marsh house, day. Larry walks up and knocks. Shelly opens the door and they look at each other for a few seconds. Larry now has a tiny guitar
Shelly: What do you want, Larry? [he begins to play her a tune]
Larry: You make me come out of my shell, Shelly. You give me strength where there was only fear I ate at a Burger King today, Shelly And stood up to a boy who called me "queer" When you pushed me off the diving board I ...fell. And you make the world a nicer place, Shelly So I can come out of my... shell. [sets the guitar on the landing, then slowly takes off his life preserver and sets it on the landing as well. He turns around and trots off again. He makes a right on the sidewalk and runs]
Shelly: Hey! [Larry stops and looks back] Do you wanna play Settlers of Catan on Xbox? [Larry turns around]
Scene Description: Back at the playhouse, Randy continues with rehearsals. The Queen carries a Broncos flag
Actors: Blow- job- Queen! Don't stop giving that blowjob. Even when you're tired, don't stop! Don't stop! Shaaaaroooon!
Worker 2: [leads the group of Randy's friends] Randy! Randy, brah!
Randy: [to the cast] Uh, and hold. [the stage falls silent] Sorry folks, we're in a hold. [the actors are frozen in place] What is it now?
Worker 2: Stephen Sondheim is really pissed off, Randy. He says he wants to challenge you to a bro down.
Randy: [stunned at first, then gets angry] Fine! He wants to bro down?! I'll bro down! [leaves the table and walks up the aisle towards the exit]
Worker 2: Randy, no! Stephen Sondheim is the greatest Broadway composer alive today! Perhaps the greatest of all time! You do NOT want to bro down with him.
Randy: [quietly] Then what am I supposed to do?! Run?
Man 2: Don't bro down against Sondheim, Randy! It's suicide!
Randy: I've studied musicals! I've seen them all! I could do this! [turns] Let's bro down! [goes out the doors]
Scene Description: The Marsh house, Shelly's room. This is the first time we see it.
Larry: Oh no, you built another settlement?
Shelly: And I got a victory point for the most roads connecting settlements.
Larry: [laughing merrily] Oh wow!
Scene Description: The living room below. Sharon and Mrs. Feegan enjoy some tea between them
Mrs. Feegan: They're having such a great time together. I really wanna thank you, Sharon.
Sharon: No, no, little Larry is really making Shelly come out of her shell too.
Mrs. Feegan: I have to admit it makes me a little nervous having Larry up there without a life preserver on, but I guess we have to take changes sometimes.
Sharon: That's what we're doing, putting our faith in Randy's new musical.
Mrs. Feegan: That's right, I, I hear his musical is getting a lot of attention, that it really has a chance of making it.
Sharon: Oho, more than a chance. Randy's actually having a meeting right now with Stephen Sondheim.
Scene Description: Hooters parking lot, at that very moment. A crowd of bros watch Randy and Sondheim face off, circling each other
Randy: Whassup brah?!
Sondheim: What brah?!
Randy: Sup brah?!
Sondheim: Take a swing, brah!
Randy: Right here, brah! [they continue circling each other]
Webber: Let's go, Sondheim! Wipe the street with his punk ass!
Randy: What makes you the brauthority brah?!
Sondheim: West Side Story, brah!
Randy: What brah?!
Sondheim: Sweeney Todd, brah!
Randy: What brah?! What brah?!
Sondheim: Merrily We Rode Along, bro! Why you gotta disrespect, bro?!
Randy: I do respect you, bro!
Sondheim: Show some respect, bro!
Randy: I do respect you, bro!
Sondheim: Then stop disrespectin', bro!
Randy: I respect you, bro!
Sondheim: Okay, I respect you too!
Randy: Okay! [the two men stay quiet begin to relax]
Schwartz: The bro down is over! Let's bro out!
Spectator: Bro out!
Spectator 2: Party people!
Scene Description: Hooters, later. Randy sits between Webber and Sondheim. The combatants now share some beer, clinking their mugs together
Randy: Oh man, I'm so glad we put our differences aside! That's what bros do!
Schwartz: That's what bros fuckin' do!
Sondheim: You're alright, Marsh. If it's cool with you, bro, Elton and Andrew and all of us wanna help you with your musical.
Randy: Hey, really??
Elton John: Yeh. We can help youse out a li'l bit with the subtext. [checks out a waitress as she passes by - first her breasts, then her face]
Webber: How about instead of "Splooge-Drenched Blowjob Queen" we call it... "The Woman In White"
Randy: Oh, that is beautiful!
Bros: [all approve] Yeeeeeeeah!
Sondheim: And a cheer to Randy Marsh. Welcome... to Bro'dway.
Randy: Bro'dwaaay!
Sondheim: Wooooooooooo!
Webber: Woohoo!
Scene Description: The Marsh house, night. Randy walks into the living room
Randy: Ooof. [rubs the back of his head for a moment, then walks by the sofa, where Sharon is reading a book]
Sharon: Hey hun.
Randy: Hi babe. Sorry, I'm... [stops behind the sofa] kind of hanging out with the guys.
Sharon: Ruhur-Randy, it's fine. You do plenty with me. Did you have a good time?
Randy: Yeah, yeah, and we really made some progress with the show. Andrew Lloyd Webber and those guys are gonna help us with it.
Sharon: Oho Randy, that's great! I'm really proud of you.
Randy: Aw Sharon, you're the best. I'm not feeling a hundred percent; do you care if I go lay down?
Sharon: Of course not, go ahead, hun.
Randy: [heads for the stairs] Alright babe.
Sharon: I'm just gonna wait up for Shelly.
Randy: Okay. What's Shelly doing?
Sharon: I gave her those tickets to "Wicked." [Randy stops and looks back at Sharon] She's seeing it with her little boyfriend.
Randy: [does a double take, then plants his hands on the bannister] She's WHAT?!
Sharon: Yeah, her and little Larry Feegan. They're going to see "Wicked" together. It's Shelly's first Broadway musical.
Randy: OH! [runs back outside] Shelly! Hold on! [closes the door. Sharon just watches him go and smiles]
Scene Description: On the road to Denver. Randy has gone back for Sharon and is driving madly down the road. He mows down a mailbox
Sharon: Randy, slow down! Jesus Christ!
Randy: AWWWWWWW! Why didn't you tell me Shelly was gonna see "Wicked"?!
Sharon: Why does it matter?!
Randy: She's too young for that stuff!
Sharon: Too young?!
Randy: This is what I get! I drank from the lie that is Broadway and now it has my daughter!
Sharon: That's it, Randy! Turn this car around right now!
Randy: I can't!
Sharon: WHY?!
Randy: Aww! Alright, look. There's something I should have told you a long time ago, Sharon. Broadway musicals... aren't what you think they are! They're subliminal propaganda to get women to give more blowjobs! On the outside it's all singing and dancing, but buried in it are commands to perform oral sex. It's called subtext.
Sharon: [crosses her arms and looks away] That's ridiculous! Musicals don't make me wanna give blowjobs!
Randy: D'augh. Do you remember the night after we saw "Wicked"?
Sharon: Yes. Oh... Well, yeah, but-
Randy: And after "Lion King" in New York? "Godspell"? "Mamma Mia"?
Sharon: Oh my gosh.
Randy: Broadway shows' sole purpose is to make women famished for blowjobs! I'm so sorry Sharon.
Sharon: Nuh-nn No, this is crazy! Musical theater people are respected. Refined. Cultured.
Randy: No, they're... they're bros, Sharon. Stephen Sondheim, Elton John, Andrew Lloyd Webber... They're total bros who hang out at Hooters. Sharon, I'm so sorry.
Sharon: It can't be! I've loved Broadway musicals ever since I saw "Grease" with Jacob Harrison and his brother Kip and we- [gasps and puts her hands over her heart] Oh my God!
Randy: AAAA!
Sharon: AAAA!
Randy: Shelly! [steps on the gas pedal, and the car goes past 60 mph]
Scene Description: At the Denver Playhouse. Larry and Shelly are watching the play.
Singers: No one cares about wicked people. Now she's gone but we don't care. And are we gonna live in peace, and all live free, you'll see. O Heaven knows we know what goodness is O heaven knows wicked people aren't good. From head to toe-
Scene Description: During the singing
Randy: [stopping by random rows] Shelly? Shelly? [he finds her and gets to her row] Shelly, come on. We have to go!
Shelly: Dad, what are you doing here?
Randy: Right now, Shelly! [A woman sitting by the aisle shushes him] Shelly, you are not watching this trash! Now, come on!
Elderly Man: Would you mind?! I'm trying to enjoy this musical with my granddaughter!
Randy: Oh you fucking pervert!
Usher: Alright, get the hell out of here, you! [he and another usher haul him away]
Randy: Shelly! [the two ushers take him outside and away from the playhouse, then push him away.]
Scene Description: Outside the playhouse. Randy stumbles and falls in front of Creepy City Costumes & Novelties. Sharon catches up with him
Sharon: Randy! [Randy gets up and smashes a window open with his left elbow, then reaches in. Sharon turns away so she doesn't get hit with shards of glass, then turns back] Randy, what are you doing?!
Randy: [bent over, putting on a costume] It's time to put an end to Broadway once and for all! [gets up dressed as Spider-Man, and puts on the mask last. He runs back into the playhouse]
Scene Description: Back inside the playhouse
The Wizard: While you'll do great here in the Emerald City, I'm sure you can't wait to go!
Singers:
Scene Description: During the song, a shot of Larry and Shelly is shown. Onstage a witch moves towards on stage, only to be kicked away by Randy as he swings down from the rafters
Audience: Ohhhh.
Scene Description: Randy comes back around and kicks down another actor. He then swings up into the audience and almost kicks a man in the balcony
Audience Member: Hey, it's Spider-Man
Scene Description: on his way down, Randy kicks a few audience members out of their seats
Randy: Sorry! Sorry.
Scene Description: Randy knocks out three more cast members on stage, then goes up into the rafter. He strikes a water main and knocks out the valve, releasing the water onto the stage and audience
Randy: Agh! [swings onto one of the side balconies, knocking out a man. Randy gets his bearings on a rail and swings back towards the orchestra pit. He knocks out the conductor and finds himself dangling from a chandelier, the cable wrapped around his right ankle. The stage lights go out and the house lights come on]
Announcer: Sorry folks, we are in a hold. We are in a hold.
Audience: Awwwwww. [And that ends that showing]
Scene Description: The Marsh house, night. Shelly's in her bed, watching TV. Her bedroom door is ajar
Field Reporter: The musical came to a screeching halt as patrons flooded out the exits and water flooded the theater. [one of the actors is being led to an ambulance] The only fatality was a young boy who could not get out of the theater in time. The fire chief said it was unfortunate the child was not wearing a life preserver. [Shelly begins to sob softly]
Randy: [looks in, then opens the door some more and enters] Shelly, I'm sorry your little friend was killed by Spider-Man tonight. Just know that... for Spider-Man to do what he did, he must have had a very good reason. Spider-Man works in mysterious ways, Shelly. And wherever he is, he loves you. [backs out and closes the door]
Scene Description: The master bedroom. Sharon is already in bed and Randy slips in next to her
Randy: [glancing at Sharon from time to time] It's just so... wrong! For men to m- manipulate women like that! I don't care how much singing and dancing there is, a woman's mouth is sacred! Tomorrow I am calling Woman's Day magazine, and exposing the whole conspiracy! [looks at Sharon] I'm sorry, Sharon. I love you. [lies down] I shouldn't have tried to brainwash you. You have every right to be mad.
Sharon: I don't know if I can really be that mad at you for doing something every guy in America does.
Randy: Really?
Sharon: [sits up] Oh Randy, [kneels before him. Randy sits up] the bottom line is I love going to those shows. If the fallout from that is I make you really happy for a while, well, I guess they're actually a pretty magical thing.
Randy: [rises and kneels before her] Oh Sharon, you're the best. [they laugh and hug each other]
Sharon: So, what Broadway show do you think is coming to Denver next?
Randy: I don't know, but whatever it is, it's worth the ticket price, because couples that pay to see it are stronger, better, and much, much happier.
Announcer: "The Book of Mormon." You'll get a blowjob.


Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The school has been assembled in the auditorium. Principal Victoria, Mr. Adler, and Mr. Mackey are on stage with a representative from SPUSD, or something. The image the rep stands in front of is the presidential seal, with the words "PRESIDENT'S COUNCIL ON FITNESS, SPORTS & NUTRITION" written on it
Board rep: Last week the students of this school participated in the Presidential Fitness Test. I'm sad to announce that South Park Elementary scored the lowest in health and fitness in the entire country. [Stan and Kyle look at each other] On the whole, you students actually scored fine. But the President's Fitness Test is scored on a school-wide average, and one fourth grader at this school scored so low, with a terrifying body fat score, [Cartman knows the man is talking about him], and high blood pressure and the cholesterol levels of a seventy-year-old man, that it actually brought you entire school's average down to the lowest in the country. [Cartman yawns] However, the Presidential Fitness Program never wants to single out one child, because then that child might feel bad. And so as far as we're concerned, you're all a bunch of fat fuckin' pigs.
Principal Victoria: Ah, could you please use a little different terminology?
Board rep: Sorry. As far as the board is concerned, you're all a bunch of fat fuckin' pigs. And so it is the recommendation of this board that every week, each class will alternate turns, giving up their recesses and instead reporting to PE.
Assembly: AWWW!
Scene Description: The school gym, day. Mr. Garrison's class is in PE
Coach: Alright, fourth grade class, you're up first. We're gonna do some rope-climbin'.
Stan: God this sucks!
Kyle: Four weeks we gotta do this?
Cartman: Well let's just suck it up, guys. All we can try to do is have a positive attitude about it. [Stan, Kyle, and some other kids are not amused]
Coach: Alright McCormick, let's start with you. Climb the rope. [Kenny approaches the rope, jumps up, and starts climbing]
Cartman: Heheh! Look at Kenny. He's so poor, huh you guys? His family's so poor they couldn't pay the three ninety nine for the gym outfit. [Kenny climbs down and Kyle approaches]
Coach: Alright, let's go Broflovski. [Kyle jumps on and starts climbing]
Cartman: Heheheheheh! Look you guys, a Jew on a rope. You know what they call a Jew on a rope?
Stan: Alright Cartman, stop ripping on other people to make yourself less embarrassed about the fact that we're all here because of you!
Cartman: Hey whoa, we are here because the average score was low. That's about all of us.
Stan: Because of you! It's your fault that we have to do this! We have to do this because you're unhealthy!
Craig: Yeah. We're paying for your being fat.
Cartman: Wow, Craig. I can't believe you just went there. Here we were having a perfectly nice conversation about Kenny being poor and Kyle being a Jew, and you just decided to go 9/11 and bust out the fat quip.
Wendy: We ARE here because of you, Eric, so just keep your mouth shut!
Cartman: Oh my God! Why doesn't everyone just back off?! I know how this works: You're the 99% ganging up on the 1%!
Clyde: Oh grow up.
Cartman: Jesus Christ!! The 99% is totally ganging up on me!
Stan: That's what we mean by "grow up" dude! Stop being a baby!
Craig: Yeah, why don't you go home and cry to your stuffed animals again?! [Cartman gasps]
Scene Description: Cartman's room, afternoon. Cartman is crying to his stuffed animals again. Or at least to his plushies
Cartman: Ngh, and then, and then Wendy said that they were the 99% and I was the 1% and that made me not keeeewl.
Clyde Frog: But Eric, you are cool.
Cartman: I know, Clyde Frog, but now the 99% is saying everything is my faaault.
Peter Panda: It's not your fault, Eric. How can they blame you for what is clearly President Obama's fault?
Cartman: What do you mean, Peter Panda?
Peter Panda: You didn't make that stupid Presidential Fitness Test. Obama did.
Polly Prissypants: Yeah, that's right Eric. You don't need to grow up. You are awesome and keeewl.
Cartman: Thanks Polly Prissypants. I'm just so scared that all the kids at school are gonna be talkin' about me behind my back.
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Lunchtime has arrived and all the kids are in the cafeteria.
Butters: Ehe, and so then, Skeletor told Terminator he wanted a divorce, and apparently it's all gonna be finalized soon.
Stan: Dude, Butters, how many times do we have to go over this? That's not Skeletor, that's a woman named Maria Shriver.
Butters: Uh but, then, why does his face look like that? [the doors burst open and Cartman steps in and looks around. No one says a word]
Cartman: What? What?! WHAT?! What are you guys talking about? What are you guys doin'-What are you talking about? I knew it! You guys are having a big 99% rally, aren't you?! Occupying the cafeteria?! You wanna know why you guys are all here protesting?! Because you're pissed off, but you actually think it's wrong to be pissed off at a black president, so you're all just pissed off at ME! Well go ahead! Have your little rally to figure out how to stick it to the 1%! See what it gets you! [slams a door, but it doesn't close. Cartman walks out]
Butters: Hey, you know? Eric is right. Maybe we should form a 99% club.
Jimmy: Yeah. It's not a bad idea. If all the students unite, we can work together to fight the f-f-fit.
Fifth Grader: Yeah. The fifth graders agree. We're all being punished for one lazy bitch. Let's make him suffer.
Jimmy: All we need is some good old-fashioned di... di... di... diplomacy.
Scene Description: President's Council on Fitness, Sports & Nutrition, Colorado Division Reigional Office, day. Jimmy and Butters are seated at a desk facing the Board rep, who's also seated
Jimmy: Hello sir, we are here on behalf of all fourth graders at South Park Elementary.
Board rep: Aahh yes, the Fatty Boombalatty class. How's the extra PE treating you?
Butters: Sir, we believe your fitness system is flawed, and that for 99% of us, it is unfair.
Board rep: What do you want me to do about it?
Jimmy: Well, sir, we believe that the 1% should be dropped from the fitness results, so that our scores can be more accurate.
Board rep: [rises from his chair and approaches a chart] 'Fraid that's impossible. The National Fitness Test has very specific standards. No one child can ever be made to feel singled out. We don't even like to use the term "physically fit" anymore because it can make a student feel unphysically fit, and then that student might end up feeling like a total retard.
Jimmy: ...Excuse me, can you use a different terminology please?
Board rep: A-and then that fourth grader might end up feeling like a total retard.
Butters: Sir, all of the students already know who the 1% is.
Jimmy: All you're doing is making the other 99% more angry. I warn you: this could turn very ugly.
Scene Description: Cartman's bedroom, day. He walks into his room, which is quite trashed. He looks around in horror, then goes back downstairs, where he spots his mom paying some bills at the table
Cartman: Mom, have you been here all day?!
Liane: No, sweetie, I've been at the hair salon. Why?
Cartman: Somebody's been in my room! [she looks up at him as he goes back to his room. He looks under his things to see if anything is missing. His mom appears at the door] Fucking 99%ers! What did they take?!
Liane: Are you sure, sweetie?
Cartman: Am I sure?? Look at this place!
Liane: But who would want to s-
Cartman: [turns around and glares at her] Don't you get it Mom?! People voted for Obama, so now that everything sucks they have to blame me! [goes back to searching his stuff and finds a watch] They didn't take my Stormtrooper watch... [finds a video game] My Arkham City game is still here... what else could they have- [looks at a corner of his room. A chair set apart for Clyde Frog is empty, but his other four dolls are arranged and seated in from of it.] Oh my God. [panicking] Clyde Frog!
Liane: What?
Cartman: No. [goes to the corner and tosses his dolls aside, then looks up in despair] NOOO! [runs to his closet and looks in there. He doesn't find Clyde Frog in there] CLYDE FROG!! [stops to tell him mom] They took Clyde Frog! [runs out of his room. Liane is confused]
Scene Description: Cartman's house, outside in the back yard. Cartman runs out and looks around
Cartman: [calling out and walking around] Clyde Frog! Clyde!? Clyde Frog?! [stops and notices something on a tree. It is Clyde Frog, nailed to a tree through his front paws and forehead. It's ripped all over and cotton pops out of the rips. Under the frog is the word "VENGEANCE" scratched onto the tree bark in red spray paint] Clyde. CLYDE FROG! [throws up]
Scene Description: Cartman's house, outside in the back yard. Cartman is holding a lavish funeral for Clyde Frog
Cartman: I've known Clyde Frog since I was two years old. He was a fighter, a visionary. But most of all, Clyde Frog was the perfect friend. He never said anything. He never had his own ideas about what he wanted to do. He just sat there goin' along with whatever I wanted. A noble trait that seems lost on you 99%ers. [Stan and Kyle are falling asleep. Kyle rests his head on his left hand] And now we live in a world where one of you has decided to become a murderer. Well whoever you are, I'm sure you're sitting there right now, in your little green hat, with your left cheek resting against your hand thinking, "I'm not getting away with this, am I?" Because whoever you are, maybe you still have one little piece of humanity left, covered up and tainted black by years of Jewish propaganda and left-wing lies. Maybe you should just-
Kyle: Shut the hell up, Cartman!
Cartman: Got something to say Kyle?! [grips the sides of the podium]
Kyle: How do you murder a stuffed animal?!
Cartman: How do you murder a stuffed animal?! You tell us, Kyle! [stops himself] Butbut but but, but uh but let's not get ahead of ourselves. There's still a biiig investigation to come. And until we prove beyond a reasonable doubt who the killer was, you are all just as guilty as Kyle. Thank you so much. Bagpipes please. [a bagpipe player begins a tune. Two men lower the casket into the ground]
Cartman: Fly, fly little dove, to the welcome arms of Christ above. Your tears are finally gone to-
Craig: Where's our five dollars?
Cartman: Fly bu-what?
Craig: It said in the e-mail if we came we each got five dollars.
Stan: Yeah.
Cartman: [thinks a moment] Five dollars has been donated in each of your names to the Clyde Frog Foundation. Fly fly fly...
Class: AWWW! [all the kids get up and leave]
Kid 1: Come on!
Kid 2: Screw this.
Kid 4: Hurry up, screw this.
Cartman: Oh fine, go on and leave! I'm gonna find out who did this to Clyde, and I'm gonna have your fuckin' balls! Fly to Christ.
Scene Description: President's Council on Fitness, Sports & Nutrition, Colorado Division Reigional Office, day. The Board rep looks over some reports while leaning against his desk. A receptionist walks up to him
Receptionist: Sir? Sir, do you remember the kids from that South Park Elementary School?
Board rep: Oh yes, the Boom Boom Chubby Choom Choom school.
Receptionist: They're all protesting outside, saying our system isn't fair to the 99% of them.
Board rep: [runs to the front door followed by the receptionist] Oh my Jesus! Oh, not a 99% rally.
Scene Description: Outside, on a small strip of grass in a parking lot. Butters and Jimmy hold up some protest signs
Butters: I sure hope this works.
Field reporter 1: [out of nowhere] Tom, I'm reporting from the middle of a protest where two fourth grade students are fed up, and have decided to occupy Red Robin. Occupy Red Robin has been going on for several hours now, and boys, technically I am part of the 99% so, what do I have to say about all this? [no comment from either of the boys]
Scene Description: Cartman's house, dining room. The lights are low. Cartman and his plushies are seated around the table, and Cartman serves himself some tea.
Cartman: Thank you all so much for coming. I realize that Clyde Frog's death is as shocking to all of you as it is to me.
Peter Panda: Why would somebody do such a terrible thing?
Polly Prissypants: Why would somebody hurt Clyde Frog, Eric? Especially because you are so awesome and keewl.
Cartman: I know that I'm awesome and keewl, Polly Prissypants, but it has little relevance at the moment to Clyde Frog's murder!
Rumpertumskin: Let's stop the charades, Eric, and let's get down to business.
Cartman: What do you mean, Rumpertumskin?
Rumpertumskin: We all know who fuckin' killed Clyde Frog, and she's the same dirty slut who's been fucking with us our whole lives!
Liane: Eric, sweetie, is everything okay?
Polly Prissypants: Does everything look okay?
Peter Panda: Sit down, you fucking bitch.
Cartman: Yes, sit down, mother. We are all having a tea party.
Liane: [takes a seat at the other end of the table] Uh sweetie, I see that you're a little... disturbed right now, but, maybe you can-
Polly Prissypants: Shut your fat piehole, bitch!
Rumpertumskin: Yeah! You know what you did, skank! You let Clyde Frog get murdered!
Liane: No, Rumpertumskin, I didn't. I swear.
Muscleman Marc: Then why did you write in your diary "It was probably time for Eric to grow out of his stuffed animals" anyway?!
Cartman: That's an excellent point, Muscleman Marc. Please continue.
Muscleman Marc: Well, all I'm saying, Eric, is that-
Liane: Sweetie, you really can just talk to me if you-
Muscleman Marc: ALL I'M SAYING, ERIC, is that you went through your mom's diary for a reason!
Liane: Eric, I promise you, I didn't do anything to your favorite toy. Whoever did this to you, I hate them as much as you do, and I'd do anything to get to the bottom of it.
Cartman: So then, we are all going to need some... more tea.
Scene Description: Occupy Red Robin, day. Butters and Jimmy are now joined by a bongo drummer and a dancing man wearing a Guy Fawkes mask. They are surrounded by South Park's emergency services and the media, and one Java Jim's truck.
Sgt. Yates: [on the phone calling for backup] You'd better give me every cop you've got on the South Side! I don't care where ABC parks their truck, as long as it doesn't block the fire trucks! [hangs up and walks to the command center nearby] Jesus, this protest is getting out of hand! Alright, what exactly are we dealing with?
Officer 1: It's no good. The protest has quadrupled in size since this morning. As you can see from this aerial photograph, the protest covers almost two square miles. We have right officers here, here, and here. The media has been contained in this area. [next to Red Robin]
Sgt. Yates: And where are the actual protesters?
Officer 1: Oh, these two people right here. [circles the spot on which Butters and Jimmy stand]
Sgt. Yates: How are we gonna contain this ting?!
Officer 2: I'm afraid it's about to get worse. You see this area here? This is where we're setting up the stage for Bon Jovi.
Sgt. Yates: Bon Jovi?
Officer 2: These are good cops! We can't have them standing around for hours without some entertainment! The problem is, with this area blocked by napping tents, we have no place to serve the officers beer.
Sgt. Yates: Damnit! Don't these protesters know what this is all heading towards? [steps forward] Full-on class warfare.
Scene Description: Cartman's room, night. He's sound asleep, snoring even, when his room begins to glow. Flames appear. Cartman begins to wake up from the heat and sits up. He sees the flames
Cartman: What the hell?! [the flames set his curtains on fire. He sees them next to his bed and stands up on the bed] Mom? Mom, my room is... [turns around and sees Peter Panda and his dresser on fire] AAAH!! PETER PANDA!!
Scene Description: Cartman's house, after the fire. Police and fire have come to his rescue, and a fireman comes down the ladder with the charred remains of Peter Panda
Fireman 1: The fire started with this. Definitely a case of arson. Somebody hates this kid.
Cartman: [runs up] Don't you touch him! Leave him alone! [swats the doll out of the fireman's hands] Peter Panda!
Peter Panda: Eh, Eric.
Cartman: Don't try to talk, Peter Panda! You're gonna be okay!
Peter Panda: Eric... Remember... [sobbing] Stay... keeewl. [Eric begins bawling. The fireman picks the doll back up]
Fireman 2: Sorry kid, we need to take this as evidence.
Cartman: [on all fours] Noohoho! Peter Panda nooo!
Scene Description: Red Robin, inside. A female field reporter comments
Female reporter: The 99%ers movement continues to grow as more and more Americans occupy Red Robin. I asked some of the people exactly what they hoped to accomplish. [earlier] And sir, what do you hope to accomplish by this movement?
Patron: I like the uh, A1 Peppercorn Burger. And they got ummm, bo-bottomless fries.
Female reporter: And as the protesters inside Red Robin unite together, word is that filmmaker Michael Moore has joined the protesters outside.
Scene Description: Outside
Michael Moore: [through his bull horn] I look at the faces of you protesters and I see the future of America! We are the 99%! YESSS!!
Scene Description: A house in the neighborhood. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny approach the front door. Their bikes are scattered all over the lawn. Kyle knocks on the door and a fifth grader answers it
Kyle: Hey dude, ah are you the guys messing with Cartman's stuffed animals?
Fifth grader: Maybe we are and maybe we aren't. You got any proof?
Stan: Well, just... you and your friends were the ones saying Cartman needs to suffer?
Fifth grader: That doesn't prove anything. That fat little fuck is finally getting what's coming to him.
Kyle: Yeah, but dude, he seriously could have died in that fire.
Fifth grader: He's in your class but you don't deal with him! So we are gonna remedy the situation! We've got big plans! Just stay out of our way and let the men handle this! [closes the door. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny turn around to leave.]
Scene Description: The Black residence, night. Liane and Cartman are staying there while their own house is repaired. Liane is at a table with Token's parents] drinking coffee
Liane: Thank you so much for allowing Eric and I to stay here.
Bob: Of course. You can't be staying in a home with that much fire damage.
Linda: To be honest, we're just a little surprised your son begged you to stay with us. We never knew your son and our son were so close.
Liane: I asked little Eric where he would feel safest, and he said with his friend Token.
Scene Description: Token's room. Token has a sports-car bed. Cartman is being paranoid
Cartman: This window locks from the inside, right? And this door has a lock on it too? Don't worry Polly Prissypants, you're gonna be safe here. In this day and age, black people are just impervious to being fucked with, so we will be alright.
Token: Why are you involving me in this?
Cartman: Token, please. You're the only person I can trust. Because in today's time, black people are somehow incapable of doing something wrong.
Scene Description: Occupy Red Robin, next day. Butters is gone for the moment, so only Jimmy stands there with his protest sign. Everyone else is still where they were
Field reporter 2: Breaking news from the Occupy Red Robin movement. The protesters have decreased in number from two to one, as one of the protesters has apparently splintered off from the group to start a new movement: Occupy the Restroom.
Scene Description: The restroom area. The first reporter is close to the mens' room
Field reporter 1: Tom, Occupy the Restroom has been going on for almost thirty minutes now. Certainly a sign that this country is more divided than ever. These 99%ers are fed up, [backs up to the restroom door] and as a result you can clearly see this restroom is "OCCUPIED." [points to a little window that now reads "OCCUPIED." A second later, a toilet is flushed inside. The door opens and Butters exits zipping his pants up.] Uh, Tom, it looks like the movement is finished, but from the time it took, it must have been a pretty decent-sized movement.
Scene Description: Occupy Red Robin. Butters returns and takes up his sign
Scene Description: The Black residence, night. Cartman has made himself at home in Token's room with his dolls, chips, and Token's remote control. Token is not pleased and has crossed his arms
Token: [getting irritated] Will you stop changing channels and just pick something?
Cartman: What do you wanna watch, Polly Prissypants?
Token: This is my room! I'll take the remote from you!
Cartman: Muh uh, 'cause I'll tell my mom on you when our parents get home.
Token: You're a guest here! Your mom isn't in charge!
Cartman: Naw uh, 'cause my house got burned down, so everyone has to feel bad for me. [the alarm sounds. Cartman puts his chips aside and gathers his toys close] What is that? WHAT IS THAT?!
Token: That's the alarm; someone's in the backyard.
Cartman: What?! Who?!
Token: I don't know.
Cartman: I thought I was safe here! Stay there guys, I'll be right back! [Token looks out his window, Cartman leaves the bedroom]
Scene Description: The Black residence, back yard, night. Cartman runs outside with the bat
Cartman: Who's there?! [notices Token coming out behind him] Lock that door behind you, Token. [then shouts at whomever might be there] Black people live here! [some flood lights come on]
Token: A motion detector. [Kyle's shadow runs by and Cartman notices it. He gives chase and tackles Kyle]
Cartman: Aha! I knew it was you, Kyle!
Kyle: It's not me! I'm here to help you, fatass!
Cartman: Oh sure!
Stan: [walking out from behind a garage] Stop it, Cartman! It's true! We came to keep an eye out. Stephen Tamil said he had something big planned.
Cartman: Stephen Tamill? The fifth grader? [looks around] Oh shit! [drops the bat and runs back inside] I told you to lock that door, Token! [runs up to Token's room and searches for his stuffed toys] No. [sees the other four boys come in] Nononono! [grabs Kenny by the throat and shakes him] Where are they Kenny??!!
Kenny: [slaps Cartman's hand off] (I don't really know!)
Cartman: HAAAAGH! [runs out and closes the door, then locks it and runs off]
Stan: Hey! Cartman, what the hell are you doing?!
Cartman: [returns] I don't trust any of you assholes! [to his dolls] Where are you sons of bitches?! [leaves]
Scene Description: The fifth grader's house. Three fifth graders stand on the front lawn
Stephen Tamill: Alright guys. You ready?
Classmates: Ready!
Stephen Tamill: Here we GO! [he and one of his friends raise their signs, and the three of them march forth]
Scene Description: Occupy Red Robin, night. The fifth graders walk up to Butters and Jimmy and stand alongside them
Butters: Hey, what are you fifth graders doing?
Stephen Tamill: We are the 83%! We are tired of being punished for the fourth grade class! The fourth grade is stickin' it to the other 83% of the school!
Jimmy: Now hold on a second, fellas. If you're the 83%, then our class is only 17%.
Butters: Yeah, how can the 17% be sticking it to the 83%?
Stephen Tamill: Because your class had Cartman in it, and he's the 1%!
Jimmy: But if he's 1% of 17%, then he's .17%.
Scene Description: Channel 8 News
Field reporter 3: This is it. The inevitable has happened at Occupy Red Robin. It is full-on class warfare.
Female reporter 2: And now class warfare is breaking out. Apparently it is the fourth grade class versus the fifth grade class.
Scene Description: The command center nearby. Yates and the other men are roused by the commotion
Sgt. Yates: It's here! The class warfare is finally here!
Officer 2: Yeeah!
Scene Description: The Black residence, night. Cartman walks into the darkened kitchen
Cartman: Hello?? [lightning crackles outside and floods the kitchen in light for a moment] Whoever you are, just give them back! Haven't you done enough to me?! [sees a boiling crock pot, walks up to it and removes the lid. Inside he see the third...]
Cartman: Muscleman Marc! AAAAAAAA!! AAAAAAAA!! [more lightning crackles as he runs out of the kitchen.]
Scene Description: The Black living room. Cartman walks into it, still looking for the two remaining dolls
Cartman: Polly Prissypants! Rumpertumskin! [walks towards the fireplace] Jesus Christ! [over the fireplace he sees Rumpertumskin drawn up by four chains and a bomb wrapped around his neck]
Rumpertumskin: Eric! Don't come any closer!
Cartman: Who did this to you?!
Rumpertumskin: You said you wouldn't let anything happen to us.
Cartman: Don't worry, I'll get you down!
Rumpertumskin: No Eric, don't come any- [Cartman trips a wire that sets off the bomb, decapitating Rumpertumskin]
Cartman: AAAAHAA! AAHAAAA! Rumpertumskin!! RUMPER [begins to cry] Rumpertumskin... WHY? Why did you do this??
Polly Prissypants: It's okay, Eric. It's over now. [you can see Cartman actually doing her voice. He expresses shock, then turns around. Polly Prissypants is seated on an armchair with a loaded gun resting against her]
Cartman: Polly... Polly Prissypants... You did this?
Polly Prissypants: Don't you see? The kids at school were right, Eric. It was time for us to grow up.
Cartman: ...You got rid of Clyde Frog... You burned Peter Panda! [Token, Kyle, Stan, and Kenny look down from the second floor]
Polly Prissypants: Yes, they're gone. And now we can grow up and be together.
Cartman: They were your FRIENDS!
Polly Prissypants: They were holding us back! All the kids making fun of you at school, saying you're not keewl! Your stuffed animals all have to be gotten rid of, don't you see?!
Scene Description: At the front door. The Blacks and Liane have returned, but Mr. Black can't open the door
Bob: Dead-bolted. Token! [knocks twice, then heads for the window] Token, you in there?! [the three adults look in]
Scene Description: Back in the living room...
Cartman: Polly Prissypants, when people find out we did all this, we're gonna get in total trouble!
Polly Prissypants: No, I thought of everything! It all happened here so that everyone would think Token did it. All the blame will be on him. And we can live happily ever after.
Cartman: There's one problem. [walks up to the doll, takes the gun and walks back to where he was] You say I have to grow up, to get rid of all my dolls. You forget one crucial thing, Polly Prissypants. That nobody would possibly blame Token for all this because in today's day and age you can't blame a black person for anything.
Polly Prissypants: Oh no! You're totally right! But I thought my plan was perfect! I failed! I failed you! You have to kill me Eric! So that you don't get blamed!
Cartman: Noho! I've lost every stuffed animal; I won't lose you too!
Polly Prissypants: It's the only way Eric. You have to do it. Please! I can't live with myself after what I've done. Please, you have to do it Eric.
Cartman: [sobs for almost a minute, then aims the gun] Goodbye, Polly Prissypants. I love you.
Polly Prissypants: Say "hello" to the sunrise for me. [Cartman cries and looks away as he starts firing at her. First shot is straight through the forehead. He fires twice more as the four boys watch from the second floor, and three more as the Blacks and Ms. Cartman watch from outside. Polly Prissypants has four shots through the head and two more that took out chunks of her cheeks. Cartman cries, having lost the last of his stuffed dolls]
Stan: Dude, what the hell?
Kyle: We told him to grow up. So he got rid of his stuffed animals.
Scene Description: Outside...
Liane: [apologetic] My little Eric can sometimes be a bit... dramatic. [laughs weakly]
Scene Description: The Red Robin parking lot, day. A worker sweeps up all the debris from the Occupy Red Robin movement
Field reporter 3: Occupy Red Robin is over. Class warfare has torn apart the 99% and replaced it with the 30%, the 26%, and even little brackets of 5%s here and there. What does this mean for our country? What does this mean... for me?
Officer 2: Hey! Get down to State Street! They're occupying Macaroni Grill!
Field reporter 3: Oh hell yeah! I'll occupy me some goat-cheese peppadew peppers! [runs off]


Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day, Mr. Garrison's class. The bell rings. Mr. Garrison goes to the front of the class. On the chalkboard is written "Thanksgiving"
Mr. Garrison: Okay children, let's all take our seats. [most of them are seated; Kyle, Token, Bebe and Stan are the last four to get seated] As you all know, Thanksgiving is only two weeks away. And so the school has arranged for a lecture from a real live Native American.
Butters: Oh neato, huh fellas?
Guest: [a stout "Native American"] Hello boys and girls. My name is David Running Horse... Sawitsky, and I am one sixteenth Cherokee Indian.
Cartman: Does that mean we only have to pay one sixteenth attention to you? [Sawitsky crosses his arms and is not all all pleased]
Sawitsky: There've been a lot of "stories" about the first Thanksgiving, and unfortunately they are mostly geared towards making the Pilgrims look good, and my people being degraded as usual. Was Thanksgiving about turkey and peace? Or was it the beginning of the genocide of an entire race?
Butters: [innocently] Thanksgiving is about murder?
Scene Description: Kyle's room, afternoon. The four boys are there. Stan and Kyle are reading books at Kyle's desk, Kenny is reading a couple of books on the floor, and Cartman is... on his back on Kyle's bed eating Cheesy Poofs
Cartman: This is bullcrap! A guest speaker comes to our class and assigns us a report on Thanksgiving?
Kyle: Well, it is kinda true, you know? Thanksgiving is fun and all, but the Native Americans got pretty screwed over.
Cartman: Yeah, and now my video game time is getting screwed over by them.
Kyle: [looks over his shoulder angrily] Hey, fatass! Instead of laying in bed eating, why don't you come and help?!
Cartman: Jesus Kyle, you are really being crampy today.
Stan: We all have to do this report together, dude.
Cartman: You guys, we are wasting time. If we have to write a report on Thanksgiving let's just go downstairs and watch TV.
Kyle: How is that gonna help?!
Cartman: [like a doorbell] Dumbass, it's November. [normally] The History Channel is probably playing Thanksgiving specials back to back. We can learn everything we need.
Scene Description: A TV. The History Channel logo comes up.
Announcer: You're watching The History Channel, where the truth is history.
Narrator: [as re-enactments play in color and in black and white] A lot has been written about the first Thanksgiving between Pilgrims and Native Americans. but what really happened at that first historic dinner?
Scene Description: Cartman's house, day. The boys are on Cartman's couch watching TV
Cartman: Dude, see? I told you. Who needs to read a bunch of stupid books when we've got History Channel?
Narrator: [more re-enactments] We know the first Thanksgiving was in the fall of 1621, but new evidence suggests that the first exchanging of food between the Pilgrims and Native Americans may have been visited by aliens! [dramatic flashes of darkness as the alien is shown up close, then a picture of a fetus, and then...]
Duncan Everton: [Professor of History, Oakmont H.S.] In every journal entry we researched from those early Pilgrims, not one entry mentioned anything about aliens not being there.
Narrator: And what about the food? [a juicy baked turkey is shown, then the previous image is shown without the alien] Does the appearance of stuffing at the first Thanksgiving suggest a kind of alien technology? [the alien reappears in the scene, but with two other aliens]
Cartman: Uh-huh??
Kyle: What? This isn't history.
Stan: Dude, it is called History Channel.
Kenny: (Yeah.)
Charles Biggens: [Culinary Associates of America] And if we look in all the journals and aall the history books, there is no reference to stuffing before 1621. So where did it come from? Did it come from space? We just don't know.
Narrator: Did ancient aliens shape the first Thanksgiving? Is it mere coincidence that Cape Cod, when viewed from space, looks like an alien life form? [an alien with an erect penis is drawn over the aerial image] What exactly did the Pilgrims experience? [colored lights move around over the ocean's horizon as Pilgrims gather by the beach] How exactly did those beings from another world shape the dinner we celebrate every November? [a tiny UFO hovers near a turkey]
Kyle: What??
Cartman: Kyle, why are you being so grumpy? Are you on your period again?
Kyle: We're not basing research for our report on this crap!
Cartman: Okay, let's take a vote: Who thinks the possibility of ancient aliens at Thanksgiving makes for an interesting history report? [he and Kenny raise their hands, then Stan raises his]
Kyle: [at Stan] Dude!
Cartman: Okay, and who wants to take a little Pamprin so their menstrual cramps stop bringing everyone down? Kyle? [raises Kyle's hand]
Kyle: [sighs] Alright, fine! Let's just get this stupid report over with!
Scene Description: A mansion, night. A phone rings. The time on the alarm click is 2:14 a.m., and the couple in bed wake up. The man takes the phone
THC President: [sits up in bed] Yes? A report from where? [sits up on the side of the bed] Does Congress know about this yet? Try to keep it contained and get the helicopters ready. I'll be there as soon as I can. [hangs up and sits back down]
Wife: Darling?
THC President: They found something. This could be it. [makes a fist]
Scene Description: The bus stop, day. The school bus stops and the boys get off
Cartman: Did you guys know that when you stop menstruating it's called menopause?
Stan: ...What?
Cartman: Yeah, God takes your period away, and apparently it makes you really irritable? I was thinking maybe that's why Kyle's been so grouchy lately, 'cause he's goin' through menopause.
Kyle: Dude, shut your fuckin' mouth!
Cartman: See what I mean, you guys? [a black car with tinted windows pulls up at a corner within sight of the boys and the passenger window comes down and the agents inside look at the boys]
Agent 1: [brunet] Is that them?
Agent 2: [blond] That's them.
Scene Description: An interrogation room, somewhere. The boys are seated and waiting for someone. Three men walk in - the two agents and the man from the mansion. The agents close the door and the man from the mansion goes to the table and takes his seat opposite the boys. He leafs through the boys' report, and the boys look at each other
THC President: You boys have been very busy... [he closes the report] We need to know everything that you know.
Stan: 'bout what?
THC President: Have you been contacted by alien life forms?
Agent 1: Did you come across some kind of ship or something?
Kyle: Dude, look, we, we just saw all this stuff on History Channel.
THC President: [silence for a few seconds, then] We are The History Channel. [rises from his chair] For years we've been collecting information on Thanksgiving. We're getting close to the truth. And now you boys have exactly the same information. It can't be coincidence.
Kyle: We saw it on your channel.
THC President: What exactly did you seez?!
Stan: That... stuffing was never heard of before 1621, so it might be alien technology?
THC President: My God. Would you be willing to say that on camera for an interview?
Scene Description: Butters' house, living room. He's watching a Jonas Brothers video
Steven: Alright, Butters, that's enough MTV for one day. You need to watch something that stimulates your brain. I'm putting on History Channel.
Butters: Okay Dad.
Announcer: You're watching the History Channel, the only network dedicated to history. Coming up next, it's Monster Quest! Larrh! Followed by Hairy Bikers. Errh! But now, back to Part 3 of Ancient Aliens at Thanksgiving.
Narrator: It has become a widely accepted fact that Thanksgiving was a meal attended by Pilgrims, Native Americans, and alien beings.
Stan Marsh: [history expert] Stuffing wasn't mentioned anywhere until 1621? And it might have been... alien technology?
Narrator: And while the number of people who accept the alien theory continues to grow, some experts have stepped forward with a wildly different view altogether. Could it be that Pilgrims were actually aliens themselves?
Kyle Broflovski: [Ph. D., Professor of Thanksgiving - DeVry Institute] Of course you can't prove there were no aliens at the first Thanksgiving! Just like you can't "prove" that... the Pilgrims themselves weren't alien! Can you prove that?! Here: draw that Thanksgiving turkey symbol with your hand! Maybe that symbol matches... galaxies in space or something! OooOoOoOooOOO! [moves his hands around]
Narrator: [a scene of alien families sharing Thanksgiving on Earth] Could it be that the Pilgrims we've read about all these years actually came from another planet? History experts like Kyle Broflovski say "yes."
Kyle: You might as well just say Pilgrims and Indians were all aliens who came here and made some kind of intergalactic treaty!
Scene Description: Kyle's house, living room. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny are on the sofa watching the same special Butters is
Stan: Wow, check it out dude, we're on TV. [smiles]
Kyle: How can they make a show out of this? I wasn't even agreeing with them. [a knock is heard at the front door and Kyle goes to answer it]
Sawitsky: What are you doing?!
Kyle: ...Uh oh.
Sawitsky: The first Thanksgiving was a space treaty?! Native Americans are aliens?!
Kyle: I was just explaining how a negative argument doesn't make a po-
Sawitsky: Haven't my people been through enough?! [whips out a gun with his left hand and quickly aims at at Kyle] Goddamn you!
Kyle: Ack dude! [backs up as Sawitzky walks towards him]
Sawitsky: The white man is gonna PAY for his lies! [stops in front of Stan and Kenny, keeping his gun aimed at Kyle]
Scene Description: In the sky, black Army helicopters approach. In one of them, the History Channel and two agents sit
Agent 2: Look at this, sir! [hands him a picture] An aerial photograph of Cape Cod where the Pilgrims landed in 1620. [puts his right hand on it and traces a turkey on the photo with it] Five Pilgrim settlements, with Plymouth Rock here. [puts a dot on the location] The same symbols appear everywhere in history. [on a baked turkey, in the night sky...]
Agent 1: The symbology lines up to mirrored points in space. If Kyle Broflovski is right, then Plymouth Rock is some kind of wormhole.
THC President: Pilgrims and Indians were the aliens! How did we not think of it?!
Agent 3: Sometimes it takes the innocence of a child to make us see the most simple things.
Agent 2: True dat.
THC President: True dat.
Scene Description: Plymouth, Massachusetts. day. The monument to Plymouth Rock is shown. The helicopters show up and descend onto the park near the monument. Plymouth Rock itself is shown in the water, unprotected.
THC President: Get all those tourists out of here! We need this place secured!
Agent 4: [through his bullhorn] Alight people, let's clear out! We need you ALL to disperse! [a woman and her daughter stop to listen] This area is under quarantine. [the woman and daughter leave]
THC President: Give me a piece of chalk. [agent 1 hands it to him. The president quickly traces a turkey on the rock, then backs up.] Huh... Nothing.
Agent 5: Guess Kyle Broflovski was wrong.
THC President: Well, at least we weren't outsmarted by a nine-year-old kid. [they all turn and walk out of the water] We should've known. Pilgrims couldn't be from space.
Scene Description: Space, the final frontier. A Pilgrim shoots through space in a wormhole and hits the planet hard. Electricity crackles through some power lines. A shadow climbs out of the impact crater. It's... a Pilgrim. Nearby, a truck rolls by, driven by Natalie Portman. The Pilgrim runs from the crater and into Portman's path; she rolls over him, then stops.
Scene Description: The History Channel learns of this and sends its top men out to investigate. Several tents go up at the crash site
Agent 6: Here. You can see it right there. An object clearly fell from the sky and struck the Earth.
THC President: What is it?
Agent 6: It's a Pilgrim, sir. [the president is stunned, looks outside, then walks outside with five other men]
THC President: So then, Professor Broflovski was right after all. [the camera pans up into the sky. Another camera travels through space]
Narrator: Not long ago, it was an accepted fact that civilizations on Earth shared the universe with beings from other planets. [the camera approaches a rock formation that has golden (literally) ears of corn sticking out of it. The camera then goes around the formation and through a thick cloud layer] These alien beings visited our world, and once, even settled it, from deep within the galaxy Canis Major, and a distant planet called... Plymouth. [the camera pops up and sees a magnificent building from which rise four massive golden ears of corn. An entrance with 14 colossal Pilgrim statues is shown. Inside the cathedral-like building a Pilgrim king, seated on a throne flanked by two huge golden cornucopias overflowing with gold and jewels, speaks to a huge crowd]
Pilgrim King: Fellow Pilgrims! The great Captain hath gone missing and thine enemies have attacked our stuffing mines! We must prepare for war with the Indians!
Scene Description: Another planet, named Indi. The Indian chief there speaks to his people
Indian Chief: Now it is OUR time! We shall attack Plymouth, and we will take... ALL THEIR STUFFING! [the Indians cheer]
Scene Description: Cartman's house, day. Liane is at the kitchen cutting up construction paper. Cartman runs through the dining room, then returns and enters the kitchen
Cartman: Non! Mom, did you already get stuffing for Thanksgiving dinner?
Liane: What hon?
Cartman: Tell me you've already got everything we need for Thanksgiving!
Liane: Uhoh, Thanksgiving's still a couple of weeks away, sweetie. I haven't gone shoppies yet.
Cartman: Oh no. Oh NO!
Liane: What is it, hon?
Cartman: Clyde Donovan said that he saw on the news there's gonna be a massive stuffing shortage! Get your coat on, Mom! We've gotta go to the store! [turns around and leaves the kitchen]
Scene Description: The supermarket, day. A woman is taking her groceries to her car. Cartman runs into the the chapping cart and knocks it over, spilling the woman's groceries. Cartman then turns and runs into the store. Liane folows him in. Cartman finds a worker
Cartman: You guys have stuffing?!
Attendant 1: Stuffing? Sure. Aisle 17.
Cartman: Oh... We're not too late. Mother, come! [Liane takes a shopping cart and follows Cartman to the right aisle. Cartman looks for the stuffing, but doesn't fine any. The attendant walks by] Hey! Where is it!
Attendant 1: It's right there, right on the uh... [sees that the stuffing shelf is empty] wait, that can't be right. Hey, hey Chet. What happened to all the stuffing?
Chet: [walks up] What are you talking about? [sees that there is no stuffing, and his jaw drops a bit]
Attendant 1: We got more in the back, right?
Chet: I just did inventory in the back, it... it was all put out here!
Attendant 1: You mean it's two weeks until Thanksgiving and we're completely out of stuffing?!
Chet: Oh no!
Cartman: No!
Chet: No!
Cartman: NOOOO!
Scene Description: Planet Plymouth, day. An Indian delegation and a Pilgrim delegation meet up
Pilgrim King: You dare come to Plymouth, ambassador?! After attacking our stuffing mines?!
Indian Chief: The stuffing mines were never yours!
Pilgrim King: Wihtout control of the mines we cannot supply stuffing to the mortals, ambassador! This will be war!
Indian Chief: You are in no position to declare war! Your lead commander is nowhere to be found!
Pilgrim King: And how knoweth you that?!
Indian Chief: Word travels fast in our sector.
Pilgrim King: I do not give free bowls of stuffing, what sayest you?! We will take back control of the stuffing mines! [turns and leaves with his men]
Indian Chief: Then the Thanksgiving treaty will be off! [turns and leaves with his men]
Pilgrim King: And I pray to stuffing that you are wrong. [looks up to the sky as his men move on without him] Where are you, Miles Standish?
Scene Description: Kyle's living room, later. Sawitzky is still lecturing the boys on Native American history
Sawitzky: And furthermore, everything Kyle Broflovski said about Native Americans being from outer space was untrue! Native Americans were brutalized, and David Sawitzky's ancestors deserve an apology! It was wrong to mix aliens and real history!
Stan: I don't know, dude. Have you seen that stuff about the pyramids and the link to Mars?
Kyle: [through gritted teeth] Dude, there's a guy with a gun here!
Stan: I'm just saying there's lots of symbols and signs out there that show aliens and history are pretty linked.
Kenny: (Yeah, that's true.)
Kyle: Would you guys stop?!
Sawitsky: Just keep writing your apology! [paces. The front door opens and Miles Standish jumps in dramatically]
Miles: How now, Indian?! Why hast thy race sent me here to Earth?!
Sawitsky: [surprised] Huh? [Miles runs at him and throws him up against a wall] Ack.
Stan: Dude!
Miles: You Indians took me to thy planet, and then cast me here! Why?! [punches Sawitzky twice. Sawitzky falls to the floor and Miles begins kicking him in the balls]
Kenny: (Go, dude!)
Stan: Yeah, go on dude!
Kenny: (Woohoo!)
Miles: [turns Sawitzky over and picks him up] Hast thy race attacked our stuffing mines and sent me here to die?! Tell me, Indian!
Sawitzky: I I uh I'm only one sixteenth.
Miles: Hold your lying tongue! [puts a glowing ball into Sawitzky's mouth] This shall prove if thou art Indian or not! [Sawitzky begins to tremble and moan, then he's surrounded by a purple light and consumed] Ah, he was not.
Stan: I didn't think so.
Miles: [walks up to Kyle and genuflects] I have been told of your expertise, Kyle of DeVry Institute. I need your wisdom to get back to my planet.
Scene Description: Kyle's house, outside. Miles, Kyle, Stan, and Kenny go to a waiting truck
Miles: Into the wheeled chariot that strucketh me! [the boys get in] We must make haste to Cape Cod! [then he does]
Stan: [looking at the driver] Who's this?
Miles: This is Natalie.
Natalie: Hi guys.
Scene Description: Cape Cod, night. THC continues camping out there.
Agent 7: Alright, sir. We got some more information on the Pilgrim who crashed to Earth. Thirty seconds after impact the Pilgrim was hit by a truck and then put into the back seat.
THC President: Who did the truck belong to?
Agent 6: We believe it belonged to Natalie Portman, sir.
THC President: The actress? That doesn't make sense.
Agent 8: It gets worse. All over the country people are reporting a shortage of stuffing. We don't think it's coincidence.
THC President: You're telling me that somehow during a stuffing shortage, this "Pilgrim" dropped down from space and got into a truck driven by Natalie Portman?!
Agent 9: Look, if anyone knows about stuffing, it's Natalie Portman!
THC President: [walking forward, filling the screen] We have to find Professor Broflovski. He was right about all of this. He'll know what to do.
Scene Description: A campsite for the night. Kyle sits alone by the campfire, and the trailer-truck is behind him. Inside the trailer, Miles talks to the others
Miles: We shall make camp here for the night. On the morrow perhaps we can reach Cape Cod. And Thanksgiving may yet be saved. [looks outside and sees Kyle] What is wrong with Kyle of DeVry Institute?
Stan: Aw, I think he's just kind of pissed off he was wrong about the whole ancient alien thing.
Miles: [studying Kyle some more] He seems almost like a Puritan lady whose period hath stopped. [moments later, he goes outside to talk to Kyle] I fear, Kyle, that you still do not know whose side to be on.
Kyle: No, ah I don't.
Miles: It must have been very difficult for you, being the one on your planet with his wild theories that Pilgrims and Indians were not of this world.
Kyle: I actually only just said that sarcastically.
Miles: HA! Ha ha ha ha ha ha! [pats him on the left shoulder a few times] Then you are only just a remarkably gifted child! [puts his right hand over Kyle's left hand, then withdraws it to pull out a map] Here, let me show you. Your planet is one of the five. [points to the others] Plymouth, Indi, Colthenheim, and this planet over here nobody really cares about. [spreads his right hand over the map so each fingertip touches a planet, then traces the hand with a pencil] The five are connected by a series of wormholes. [the trace is finished] My people came to your world, and so did our enemies. But we made a treaty, and for 300 years our people have not fought. But now, the treaty is over.
Kyle: But I always read that Native Americans were here, and that Pilgrims and other settlers kind of took their lands from them.
Miles: You can't believe what everyone tells you, Kyle. You have to open your eyes. [stands up and puts down his map on his seat. Natalie, Stan, and Kenny look on from the trailer] Soon your wisdom will open the wormhole back to Plymouth, and the stuffing mines can again be ours, for he who controls the stuffing, controls the universe. [all of a sudden, a night sun focuses on him and a helicopter is heard]
A pilot: Hold it right there! [five black cars pull up quickly and surround Miles and Kyle. Natalie, Stan and Kyle leave the trailer]
Agent 10: We found Professor Broflovski! He is with the Pilgrim! [the agents close in on Miles and he unsheathes his sword]
Miles: Stay back, all of you! For I will get to Cape Cod and cannot be stopped! Come boys! Let us fight to the death!
THC President: [rushes into the middle] Wait! Stop, stop! Please, Mr. Standish, we are all on the same side here. We know why there's a stuffing shortage. We've been trying to get the wormhole open.
Miles: I trust none but them! [points to the party he came with - Natalie, Stan, Kyle, and Kenny] Indians hath betrayed us! I must return to Plymouth so my king can know the truth! [hurries away]
THC President: PLEASE! [stops him] We're the History Channel. We care as much about the truth as you do.
Miles: Then get us to Cape Cod as soon as possible!
Scene Description: Planet Plymouth. The king of Plymouth sits on his throne looking board
Pilgrim: [shot through with several arrows] My Lord! My Lord, the battle is lost! We have tried to stop the Indians on their home planet, but yea they are too strong!
Pilgrim King: Then our last chance for survival is gone?
Pilgrim: I'm sorry my Lord. All Pilgrim forces sent to the Indians' planet have been wiped out.
Pilgrim King: And so soon the Indians will be here. Sound the corn horn! We must abandon Plymouth!
Scene Description: The Indians and Pilgrims do battle on Indi
Indian Chief: The stuffing mines are ours! [some Indians celebrate at the mines]
Scene Description: Cape Cod, day. A wooden pathway has been built to Plymouth Rock and surrounds it. Miles uses a blown up version of his map to show the History Channel what's going on.
Miles: Earth is connected to Plymouth by this wormhole here. Once I get back I will assemble my people to attack Indi, and gain control of the stuffing mines. If all goes as planned, you will all have stuffing in time for Thanksgiving.
THC President: But Mr. Standish, I'm afraid it's not that simple. We... tried to get the wormhole open with this symbol and it didn't work.
Miles: Ah ha ha ha! Of course not! You have the correct symbol, but you are missing the keeper of the portal.
Agent 11: The keeper of the... of course! Natalie Portman!
THC President: We were wondering what she had to do with all this! Natalie Portman controls the wormhole!
Agent 12: Our window of opportunity is closing, sir! The wormhole has to be opened now!
THC President: Alright Ms. Portman, we need you to open your wormhole.
Natalie: [rolls her eyes and moves her torso to the left, then to the right, then to the left] Mmmmmmmmmm. No.
THC President: Please, Ms. Portman, you've got to open your wormhole right now!
Natalie: [rolls her eyes and moves her torso to the right, then to the left] Mmmmmmm. [then to the right] Uh uh.
THC President: Curses and cranberries! I must get to Plymouth now! Do as they say!
Natalie: [rolls her eyes and moves her torso to the left, then to the right, then to the left] Mmmmmmmmmm. No.
THC President: There has to be a way to get the portal open! Where's our expert?! [everyone moves aside to reveal Kyle] What do we do, Professor Broflovski?
Kyle: I'm not a professor.
THC President: The History Channel said you were!
Kyle: You are the fucking History Channel!
Miles: [walks up to Kyle and genuflects] Please, Kyle of DeVry Institute. There is no more time for squabbles. The universe is at stake!
THC President: [walks up to Kyle and genuflects] You knew everything else. You somehow knew about all of this. You knew it... here. [points to Kyle's heart.] You must know... how to get Natalie Portman to open her wormhole.
Scene Description: A local restaurant nearby. Nice, upscale, with a string trio playing during dinner. Kyle is in his suit, Natalie is in a different dress
Kyle: So, do you uh, do you have any brothers or sisters, Natalie?
Natalie: I had a lot of really close friends growing up, but not any brothers and sisters; I was an only child.
Kyle: [having trouble with small talk] Wow, awesome. Um...
Natalie: I have dual citizenship in the United States and Israel. [a waiter with a bottle of wine walks by and Kyle snaps his fingers twice, then indicates to the waiter that Natalie should get some more wine. The waiter serves it] Oh thanks.
Kyle: Um... so... [behind him, everyone involved in the portal matter is watching them] So dual citizenship, wow, uh... You know that I, I never knew anyone that had that.
Natalie: Well, I went to Harvard while I was acting. I got a BA. But I did classes at the University of Jerusalem too.
Kyle: Cool. Cool... You wanna order some dessert?
Scene Description: Cape Cod, night. Kyle and Natalie walk down to Plymouth Rock
Natalie: Thanks, that was a lot of fun.
Kyle: Yeah, it was cool, thanks. [looks over his shoulder. Miles motions at him to continue] Um, so... Is there any way you'd
Natalie: What?
Kyle: You know, could youuu...
Natalie: What?
Kyle: Would you please just open your wormhole?!
Natalie: [rolls her eyes and moves her torso to the right, then to the left] Oh. [moves her torso to the right, then to the left] Mmmm... [moves her torso to the right] no.
Kyle: [sighs in exasperation] Errh!
Natalie: [rolls her eyes and moves her torso to the left, then to the right, then to the left] Mmmmmmmmmm. Okay.
Miles: Yes!
THC President: Alright, let's go, folks! [he and several other men go towards Plymouth Rock]
Natalie: Just for a sec though. [turns around and joins them]
Miles: Thank you, Kyle of DeVry Institute. Now the Indians can be stopped and Thanksgiving will be saved!
Kyle: Yeeah, you're welcome. I'm sorry I doubted you. And guys, I'm I'm sorry I acted like a know-it-all. [behind the rock, Natalie's legs go up in the air]
Stan: It's cool dude, we understand.
Kyle: I guess we should all realize... [the portal is activated] that history and alien technology really do go hand in hand. [the portal shoots out into space towards planet Plymouth]
Miles: [rises with his sword unsheathed] Now make way, children! For I have a war to fight! [runs towards the rock, jumps on it, and into the portal stream] For stuffing!! [goes towards planet Plymouth]
Scene Description: The stuffing mines. The battle continues
Indian Chief: Take ALL their stuffing!
Pilgrim: The treaty ends now! [the Indians retreat as flying galleons sweep over the stuffing mines with powerful rays, destroying any Indians along the way]
Narrator: With the wormhole once again open, Miles Standish was finally able to command a Pilgrim army.
Miles: Now attack their left flank! Good! They're retreating! Hit them with the anti-Indian device! [A destroyer walks in and obliterates all the Indians with its powerful beams]
Narrator: The Pilgrims fought off the Indians, making stuffing once again available on all our Thanksgiving tables.
Scene Description: Cartman's living room. The four boys are watching The History Channel once again, Stan and Kenny are watching the TV, Cartman is eating Cheesy Poofs, and Kyle looks on in annoyance.
Random Voices: Yea. Stuffing mines. Yea.
Narrator: And now you know the true story behind Thanksgiving.
Stan: Wow, there's a lot about Thanksgiving I never knew before.
Cartman: Yeah, History Channel rules.
Narrator: But was the first Thanksgiving really just about Pilgrims and Indians from space? Or was there something more? Shocking new evidence suggests that the first Thanksgiving might also have been... [an image of a woman appears against a wall] haunted!
Donald T. Brown: [Ph. D., University of Phoenix] There is certainly no evidence that the first Thanksgiving dinner was not haunted.
Narrator: The Pilgrims welcomed the Indians, but did they also unknowingly welcome spirits from beyond the grave? [ghostly figures appear here and there.]
Cartman: [curious] Ohhh??
Kyle: [throws up his arms in exasperation] Oh, come on!!