Scene Description: South Park Elementary Gym, day. The cheerleaders are at practice
Cheerleaders: Yeah, yeah, do we rock?! Yeah, yeah, take it to the top! Yeah, yeah, are we gonna stop?! No way! No way!
Wendy: Cheer Squad roll call! [each cheerleader steps forward, announces her name, and steps back]
Heidi: Heidi!
Nichole: Nichole!
Bebe: Bebe!
Lola: Lola!
Red: Red!
Annie: Annie!
Lisa: [slowly steps forward and speaks slowly] Lisa Berger. [this brings down the other cheerleaders]
Annie: Oh God.
Red: Here we go.
Nichole: Ugh.
Bebe: Can we maybe try one without Lisa Berger?
Wendy: You guys, stop it! Okay, Lisa, that's great. But you need to have more confidence, okay?
Lisa: But I'm the fat one.
Wendy: What?
Lisa: Every cheerleading squad has a fat ugly cheerleader and that's me.
Wendy: See, that's the problem, Lisa. You have a bad self-image. Just project all your sassiness to all the boys out there, okay?
Heidi: There's only one boy that Lisa cares about.
Red: Yeah, Lisa has a crush on Butters.
Lisa: Shut up!
Wendy: But, Lisa, that's great! Have you told Butters that you like him?
Lisa: No way. I, I'd just get made fun of.
Wendy: Lisa, this is exactly what you need! Take Butters to see a movie or something! It'll do wonders for your confidence!
Scene Description: The cafeteria, later. Kenny, Cartman, Tweek, Craig, Clyde, and Butters are seated at table, with Butters recounting something
Butters: So then, ah, the fella with the mustache eats all the cupcakes, and the lady takes out a gun and puts it in his face and she says "I"-
Lisa: Uh, excuse me. Butters?
Butters: [confused for a moment, then looks over his left shoulder] Oh. Yes?
Lisa: Um, well, I was just wondering if... [strokes her hair] maybe... [brings her arm down] you would like to go to a movie this weekend.
Butters: Oh. Oh like a date? Oh no thanks, Lisa. I really appreciate the offer, but you're too fat for me.
Lisa: [casts her eyes down] Okay, thanks.
Butters: See ya, Lisa! [Esther overhears the conversation from the next table and looks over her shoulder at Butters]
Craig: Haha, Butters got asked out by a fat girl.
Clyde: At least she didn't try to sit on him. [the other boys at the table laugh, except Cartman]
Cartman: You guys, come on. That's not kewl. You shouldn't rip on her because she's fat. You should rip on her 'cause she's ugly. Okay? She looks like someone hit her in the face with a hot shovel, and that's why she sucks, alright?
Scene Description: The hallway, later. Butters is at his locker
Butters: Camptown ladies sing this song, doo-da, doo-da. [Wendy comes to view at the end of the hall and spots him, then walks up to him] Camptown racetrack's five miles long Oh, de doo-da day. Oh-
Wendy: [grabs his locker door and slams it shut] What the fuck is your problem?!
Butters: Oh. Hey, Wendy.
Wendy: Are you just an asshole?! Is that it?!
Butters: Am I just an asshole?
Wendy: Yeah!
Butters: Well, m-no. I've got arms and legs; I've got everything.
Wendy: Lisa Berger asked you out and you called her fat?! Do you have any idea how you made her feel?! She's a really nice girl!
Butters: Ah, I think she's a nice girl too. She's just too big for me.
Wendy: She's a little overweight, but that's pretty normal for a girl in the fourth grade!
Butters: Well Kim Kardashian is skinny and she just had a baby!
Wendy: What?!
Butters: I'm sorry, Wendy, but I have a different standard when it comes to my women. [opens his locker again. On the door are several pinup posters of Kim Kardashian] I want a woman who takes care of herself and knows how to look good, who's got perfect skin and no splotches on her legs, and perfect everything.
Wendy: [grabs the poster] This is a fantasy, you moron! You ever heard of Photoshop?! Kim Kardashian is a short, overweight woman who manipulates her image and makes average girls feel horrible about themselves!
Butters: You're a liar!
Wendy: Look it up, stupid! [crushes the poster into a wad] In real life, Kim Kardashian has the body of a hobbit! [throws the wadded-up poster to the floor and walks away. As Butters reaches for the poster, Wendy turns around] You're gonna be in real trouble when the teachers find out what you said to that poor girl! [turns around and goes around the corner. Butters unwads the poster]
Scene Description: Mr. Mackey's office, later. Butters is in there with Mr. Mackey, crying. Wendy walks in a few seconds later
Mr. Mackey: Uh, take a seat, Wendy. I guess some mean things were said and I need to get to the bottom of it.
Wendy: [noticing Butters] Oh, good. Lisa Berger told on you? Good!
Mr. Mackey: Uh no, Wendy, apparently, you called Butters' girlfriend a hobbit.
Wendy: ...Are you serious?
Butters: You did! You said Kim was short, fat, and hairy with big feet and she's a hobbit!
Wendy: That's not his girlfriend! It's Kim Kardashian!
Mr. Mackey: Uh, but, but, Wendy, Kim Kardashian is considered to be extremely beautiful, mkay?
Wendy: Right, but she's not in real life. She's a hobbit.
Butters: Oh, she said it again!
Mr. Mackey: Now, Wendy, Kim might be, uh, full-figured, but a woman's outward appearance isn't all that matters, mkay?! Have you stopped to consider that maybe, just maybe, you're jel?
Wendy: I'm not "jel", and I happen to be the biggest feminist at this school!
Mr. Mackey: Uh that may be true, but there is a very fine line, Wendy, between being a feminist and being a hater, mkay? And you're gonna have to find that line because nobody likes a girl who's jelly!
Scene Description: Room 7, later. Class is in session. Mr. Garrison stands before the class
Mr. Garrison: Okay, kids, there have been some hurtful and hateful things being said around this school, and so we are gonna hear from a guest speaker. Here to explain why Kim Kardashian is not a hobbit, please welcome, Aquaman. [goes to his desk as Kanye West enters the room. The class claps]
Kanye: Uh-huh. Uh-huh, that's right
Cartman: [recognizing him] Uh oh.
Kanye: [enunciating] Okay, first of all, I am NOT Aquaman, I am a recovering... gay fish. Yes, I have met Aquaman. I have hung out with Aquaman. But the only thing I have in common with Aquaman anymore is my love for the sea. [adjusting his pants] Now! [clears his throat] There have been malicious rumors, started at this elementary school, that my beautiful fiancée is a hobbit. That is not funny, and it is not true. [Wendy's eyes are glazing over] Alright?! Yes, Kim is heavier than most of her pictures show her to be. Yes, she gets her hair lasered off her body. Yes, she has a friend named Gandalf who happens to be a wizard. [finds himself trapped by that last statement, and backs up] I'm sorry, excuse me a minute. [calls Kim up and turns his back on the class...] Bitch, how are you not a hobbit again? Yeah. Yeah yeah yeah right. Right right right right right, yeah. Okay. Yep. Yep. Let me get- okay. Yep, I got it. Okay, love you too. [blows two quick kisses at the phone, hangs up, and turns to the class.] Okay, if my fiancée Kim... is... a hobbit, then how come... it uh how c- then, okay, if she's a hobbit, then how come she don't live in a hole in the ground? BOOOOOOM! All y'all just got lit up, cuz! She don't live in no hole in the ground, she lives in a big-ass mansion, with me, in her room, that is slightly below ground! So, you can... She, she is sexy, and womanly, and she smokes a pipe. She can blow them rings that go up over her head, and... Hold up.[calls Kim up again and turns his back on the class...] Bitch, you not a hobbit, right? ... No, I know, you just, you smoke that long pipe sometimes when you sit by the fire... Oh it's a- Oh, okay. Got it, got it- What do you call it? Yep. Yep, got it. Okay. Yep, love you too. [blows two quick kisses at the phone, hangs up, and turns to the class.] That is not a hobbit pipe, for your information! It is a personal oral humidifier to keep all the wrinkles around her mouth from showin'. So haha, all you haters, HA!
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Butters walks down the hall when the computer lab door opens and Wendy peeks out
Wendy: Butters. Butters, come here for a sec.
Butters: Oh no, you don't, Wendy! You're not trappin' me inside the computer lab to beat me up!
Wendy: Butters, will you please let me show you something, so we can put this behind us?
Butters: Well, alright, but if you try to punch me, I'll scream! [she goes back inside, and Butters follows her in]
Wendy: I want you to see just how easy this is so we can better understand each other. This is Lisa Berger's class photo, right?
Butters: Okay.
Wendy: Now, first thing we do is Photoshop the bulges on her sides [she trims them down a bit]. We select the eyes [makes the glasses more rectangular and shorter, and adds eye makeup], make them a nicer shape, take off any blemishes on the skin [the freckles go], lengthen the neck [moves the head up], add more to the hair [gives Lisa longer, wavy hair], select the lips and make them fuller [removes the harelip], take out any puffiness on the skin [reduces the cheeks] here, add fullness to the breasts, lengthen the torso, take away that fold of skin [this gives Lisa hips], streamline the shoulders [making the arms thinner in the process], put highlights in the eyes [gives her a nose], and, there.
Butters: That's Lisa Berger?
Wendy: Do you see what I'm talking about?
Butters: She's pretty!
Wendy: That's how people like Kim Kardashian destroy the self-mage of little girls everywhere.
Butters: Hold on. Are you saying that girl wants to go out with me?
Wendy: What? What do you mean?
Butters: And I said no? Oh man, I gotta upload this [sends it off] and then go buy her some flowers and then go tell her I love her. [runs out of the lab]
Wendy: Butters!
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, afternoon. Cartman is at his locker. Butters walks into view carrying flowers and a gift.
Butters: Lisa? Lisa Berger? Anybody seen Lisa Berger? [walks over to Cartman] Oh hey, Eric. Have you seen Lisa Berger anywhere?
Cartman: I saw that picture of her you put on the Internet.
Butters: II know! I'm gonna tell her I love her, and we're gonna be together and be happy forever.
Cartman: Uh, Butters, I don't know how to tell you this, but Lisa Berger is going out with Clyde.
Butters: What?! Well since when?
Cartman: Dude, since like, noon or 12:30 today. [next shot is of Clyde walking down the hall with Lisa on his arm as he looks at his phone's screen. Everyone turns and stares at the new couple. They stop at Token at his locker]
Clyde: Hey, Token. Token, check out my girlfriend. [shows him the Photoshopped picture instead of the real deal]
Token: Wow, she's hot.
Clyde: Yeah, we just started dating seriously. [walks over to Tweek at his locker] You wanna meet my new girlfriend, Tweek?
Tweek: Oh man, you're a lucky guy.
Clyde: Yeah, I know. [walks off. Tweek turns back to his locker. The couple walks by Craig, Kevin, and two other boys]
Craig: Hey, Clyde. Nice score, dude.
Other boys: Yeah.
Clyde: Oh, thanks, guys. [they walk by Wendy, who's speechless]
Jimmy: [walks up to Stan] Hey, Stan, did you see Clyde's going out with Lisa B-b-Berger?
Stan: Yeah, dude, she looks amazing. Clyde sent me her pics. [Wendy walks up to them, mad] She got really hot all of a sudden.
Jimmy: Yeah. I wouldn't mind t-tah-t-tappin' that ass.
Wendy: Excuse me!
Stan: Oh, hey, Wendy. Clyde sent me these. Don't be jel.
Wendy: Why would I be jel?
Jimmy: Well, y-you gotta admit, Lisa Berger is pretty hot, Wendy.
Wendy: She's not hot! That's supposed to be the point!
Stan: She looks pretty hot here.
Wendy: Lisa Berger is NOT HOT! She's fat and ugly! [just then, Lisa and Clyde walk past her, but she doesn't see this. Jimmy does, though.]
Jimmy: That's not very nice, Wendy.
Lisa: What's your problem, Wendy?
Wendy: [looks and quickly assesses the situation] I'm sorry. It's nothing personal, Lisa.
Lisa: You're just a hater. Why don't you mind your own business instead of being jelly?
Wendy: I am not jelly! I made that picture of you to prove a point, and it's being taken the wrong way!
Clyde: It's okay, babe. Girls who don't have what you have are always going to put you down. [walks off with Lisa]
Lisa: Thanks, babe.
Scene Description: Mr. Mackey's office. Wendy is back in there, heh
Mr. Mackey: Now, Wendy, I've tried to be patient with you 'cause you've always been a good student! M'kay?! But calling a little girl fat and ugly is NEVER m'kay!
Wendy: Mr. Mackey, I was trying to show kids that-
Mr. Mackey: No! No excuses! You have a problem bein' jelly, Wendy! Okay?! Just maybe, I should have you sent off to jelly school!
Wendy: Jelly school?
Mr. Mackey: That's right! In fact, I'm gonna call the jelly school right now, okay?! [picks up the receiver and starts pressing keys on the keypad] I'm sorry about this, but it's gone too far! I've had it![puts the receiver up to his ear] Hello, is this the jelly school?! ... Okay, I have a girl here who's extremely jelly! Uh, see if you can take her in for a few weeks! Okay, you're full? Okay, yeah, I guess she dodged a bullet this time, but she'd better watch her jelly behavior!
Wendy: Mr. Mackey, I appreciate the point you're trying to make.
Mr. Mackey: Yuh, you do? Okay, well I'm not actually on the phone with a... jelly school, Wendy, okay?
Wendy: Yes, I'm... I'm a few steps ahead of that, yes.
Mr. Mackey: Okay, well Wendy, I'm just tryin' to uh- Oh, bye, jelly school. [hangs up the phone] Uh, Wendy, I'm just tryin' to make you understand how serious it is when you lash out at other girls.
Wendy: Thank you, Mr. Mackey, I will... change.
Mr. Mackey: M-okay.
Scene Description: Time Magazine Person Of The Year Award presentation. A man announces the award, a woman holds it up
Host: Ladies and Gentlemen, it my my honor to give the Person of the Year award to this year's winner, Pope Francis. [fanfare plays as the pope comes out from the audience and goes on stage. He takes the mic]
Pope Francis: Gracias, gracias, all of my children.
Kanye: [rushes up and takes the mic from the pope] Alright hold up! Hold up! I'm sorry pope, but hold up! I just gotta say this! If my fiancée is a hobbit, then uh, [turns away and calls Kim up]Then what, bitch? Okay, yeah yeah [turns back to the audience] Okay, if she... was... if she is a hobbit, then, how come she don't turn blue when goblins are near? [jumps] Oh, you didn't think of that! Oh, I guess she's not a hobbit then! She must be a beautiful, sexy woman!
Pope Francis: [grabs the mic for a moment and enunciates] The hobbit doesn't turn blue around goblins, just his sword does.
Kanye: Man, get the fuck out of here, you hobbit trivia bitch! [shoves the pope away, and the pope leaves] Who the fuck asked you?! [turns to the audience again] Nobody is talkin' any more shit about my woman! Alright?! She is gorgeous! If she was here, you could all see for yourselves how beautiful she is! But she can't be here because she has a movie comin' out on Friday, directed by Peter Jackson, called The Hobbit! Hold up. [turns away and calls Kim up] Bitch, that movie you got comin' out is called The Hobbit?... Yeah, but it- ... What? It's what? Ohhh yeah. Yup. Yeah, I got it. Yup. Yup. Lemme tell them. Love you too. [blows two quick kisses at the phone, hangs up, and turns to the audience.] Kim is not even in that movie! That movie is just loosely based on her television show, Keepin' Up With The Kardashians, which is a show about short, loud, little people living in a fantasy world! Hold. Up![turns away and calls Kim up] Bitch, if you're the hobbit, you need to let me know right now, 'cause I'm makin' a fool of myself out here!
Scene Description: South Park Elementary Gym, day. The cheerleaders are performing during a game break
Cheerleaders:: Yeah yeah, do we rock?! Yeah yeah, take it to the top! Yeah yeah, are we gonna stop?! No way! No way!
Wendy: Cheer Squad roll call! [each cheerleader steps forward, announces her name, and steps back]
Heidi: Heidi!
Nichole: Nichole!
Bebe: Bebe!
Lola: Lola!
Red: Red!
Annie: Annie!
Lisa: Lisa Berger! [the kids all cheer]
Wendy: And I'm your captain, Wendy! [silence. One kindergartner comes out of the bleachers with a picture of Lisa and has Lisa sign it. More cheers, and Lisa waves at the audience]
Scene Description: South Park Elementary Gym, after the game. Wendy is upset that she got no cheers from the audience
Red: Look, Wendy, we are all very happy for Lisa, okay? Nobody here is jelly. But the boys aren't even noticing the rest of us anymore.
Bebe: All we're asking is that you do for us what you did for Lisa and help with our imperfections.
Wendy: I won't do it, you guys! I'm sorry!
Heidi: Why?! Don't you care about us?!
Wendy: Because it's wrong! If you guys aren't happy with the way you look, then that's your problem! [turns left and walks away]
Lisa: [to the cheerleaders' left] Hey girls. [dressed in a hot outfit] Don't be sad. If you wanna look really hot, like me, you just gotta be willing to sweat. Get down to the gym and work!
Scene Description: Total-Self Image, day, inside. The cheerleaders await instructions from a coach
Coach: Alright girls, we're gonna trim that fat and tone those bodies. Let's do this! You first! [points to Bebe] Get right up there! [gets on a treadmill. The coach quickly moves around the treadmill and begins taking pictures] Alright, now look here. [Bebe quickly figures out what she needs to do and begins posing. Later on...] Come on, burn it off! You got this! [Bebe is shown editing the pictures the coach just took. She puts blush on her cheeks, lipstick on her lips, blonde eyebrows on her eyes, a fuller body of hair... Next, Red edits her picture. She puts on a cute, tiny smile and eye makeup. Annie removes the fat around her torso and augments her breasts, Heidi gives herself a new hairstyle, Nichole gets more tone and a shorter neck, tighter cheeks, straighter hair, eyebrows, a lighter shade of brown, eye makeup, lipstick, a more level head, fuller lips, breasts. Next is Lisa performing in a video, a parody of "Work Bitch". Next is a shot of the girls looking at their Photoshopped selves.]
Coach: [to Lola] Look at those thighs! Come on, you've gotta push harder! [Lola removes some fat from her midsection and gives herself a bow on her shirt, then straightens out her head. Even Timmy, who isn't a cheerleader, gets the Photoshop treatment. His wheelchair is removed, he's given proper, working legs, his shirt is lengthened and given a collar, he's given more hair and his eyes are made to look forward, his mouth is fixed and he's given a coat. Red drinks from a water bottle while Lola is sweating from the hard work. All the while, Lisa raps]
Lisa: You wanna? You, you, you wanna? You wanna? You wanna look pretty? You want a boyfriend? You want a nice ass? You better work out, slut! You want nice things? You want boys to give you nice things? You better work out, slut! Now get to work, slut! Party in the cookie trough! Party in the cookie trough! Party in the cookie trough! You better work out, whore!
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, playground, day. The boys are gathered on the merry-go-round, looking at pictures of the cheerleaders on Craig's phone.
The Boys: Wooowww!
Jimmy: Wow! Wow! She looks great!
Cartman: Whoa, look at Bebe! [her picture is shown] I had no idea Bebe was that hot.
Craig: Yeah, but did you see Token's girlfriend? [flips through the pictures until he gets to Nichole]
The Boys: Wooowww!
Clyde: Uh, my bitch is still the hottest, you guys.
Butters: No way! Go back to Annie Nelson! She's built like a Slim Jim! [Craig flips back to her]
Kyle: Yeah. Clearly Annie Nelson is the hottest girl at our school. Look at those eyes!
Cartman: Did you not see Erica Smith's boobs, Kyle? They're like perfect water balloons.
Butters: I do love water balloons. [the boys fall silent and continue viewing the pictures. Stan gets sad and leaves; viewing all those pictures, not one of them of Wendy, disheartened him]
Scene Description: The school hallway, moments later. Wendy is at her locker, and Stan approaches
Stan: Hey, Wendy, uh, can I ask you a big favor?
Wendy: [curt] What?
Stan: A lot of the pictures I have of you are kind of outdated, and um, you know, I wanna be able to show everyone how pretty you are.
Wendy: So you want a Photoshopped picture of me to take away any imperfections, is that it?! How DARE you, Stan?!
Stan: Wendy, why is it such a big deal?
Wendy: Because people should be okay with the way they look! I have pimples on my forehead! My bottom teeth are crooked! So what?! You have short legs.
Stan: [looks down] I do? [kids begin to walk by]
Wendy: Yeah. [begins to point out other kids' defects] And Jason has freckles, and Billy Turner has narrow shoulders. [The cheerleaders come into view and approach Wendy and Stan. Neither of them notices] The cheerleaders? Bebe has acne. Lola's arms are too short. Nichole's eyes are puffy. Annie has thin hair. [Mr. Mackey walks in on the rant] And Heidi Turner's butt is flat! [Wendy turns to leave, but runs into the cheerleaders and Mr. Mackey] Oh God damn it!
Bebe: [furious] You! HATER!
Mr. Mackey: [incensed] WENDY, IN MY OFFICE, RIGHT NOW! OKAY?!
Wendy: Ugh!
Scene Description: Kanye West video, a spoof of "Bound 2"
Kanye (backup singers): (Oh yeah, babe. Oh yeah, baby.) One thing I know, my girl ain't no hobbit. She might be stumpy; that don't mean she a hobbit. She's not a hobbit 'cause she couldn't be. She got no Bagginses in her family tree. Yes on occasion she hangs out with her dwarf friends. But she never went on no quest with her dwarf friends. Except for one time she went to kill that dragon. She took his gold and she- [he stops the video shoot] Hang on a minute, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. [calls up Kim yet again] Bitch, remember when you went off to kill that dragon with them dwarves? ... Yeah. Oh yeah. Rightrightrightright, yup. Yup, I got it. Yep, love you too. [blows two quick kisses at the phone, hangs up, and resumes the shoot.] It wasn't no dragon, so my girl ain't no hobbit. That was a Quizno's and my bitch went to rob it. 'Cause they got that ham that she robs on her cellulite. While she drinking her grog and singin' those merry songs... at night... My girl ain't no hobbit. Please God, tell me I'm not engaged to no hobbit. (Kim is not a hobbit.)
Scene Description: South Park Elementary Gym, day. The cheerleaders are at practice
Cheerleaders: Who are you yelling for? South Park! Let's go Cows! Who are you yelling for? South Park! Let's go Cows!
Heidi: Heidi!
Nichole: Nichole!
Bebe: Bebe!
Lola: Lola!
Red: Red!
Annie: Annie!
Lisa: Lisa Berger!
Wendy: [slowly steps forward and speaks softly] Wendy.
Nichole, Lola, Annie: Ugh.
Bebe: You suck!
Heidi: Oh God.
Red, Annie: Ugh.
Bebe: Can we try this without Wendy?
Lola: I agree!
Lisa: [steps forward] Hey, come on, you guys. She just needs more confidence. [to Wendy] It's okay, Wendy. Who care if no one likes you? Maybe you should go out with Butters.
Wendy: Let's just get back to cheering, okay?!
Heidi: I don't think so! We don't wanna cheer with a hater!
Bebe: Yeah! You have a bad self-image, Wendy! You need to go down to the gym and get a better one!
Annie: Yeah!
Lola: Uh huh!
Red: That's right!
Wendy: See, the problem with having fake pictures of yourself is that you start to believe in your own bullshit! This has gone way too far! [leaves] And if society won't fix it, I will!
Bebe: What are you gonna do?!
Wendy: [stops just outside the gym] Something that should have been done a long time ago! [walks away]
Scene Description: Channel 9 Morning News, with Tom and Tammy Thompson
Announcer: It's the morning news, with Tom and Tammy Thompson.
Tammy: A little girl is making big waves with her fight against Photoshop.
Tom: Nine-year-old Wendy Testaburger has started a campaign, and tomorrow will speak before the state senate to ban the use of Photoshopped images, saying they're harmful to young girls. [a taped interview is shown.] Young lady, what is your message?
Wendy: Watching what Photoshop is doing to society... Little girls are aspiring to have bodies they can't possibly have! We have to put a stop to it.
Tom: And you're not just... being a hater.
Wendy: ...Nooo.
Tom: 'Cause sometimes, girls who aren't well-liked, you know, lash out at pretty and popular girls. Are, are you well-liked at your school?
Wendy: [thinks about it] Not lately, no.
Tom: Uh huh. But you're not being jelly?
Wendy: NO. That has nothing to do with me wanting to protest against Photoshopped images!
Tom: Okay, because I do understand that the jelly school in Aurora is ready to take you in. Is that right, Rick?
Rick: Tom, I'm standing in front of the jelly school, where officials claim they do have room for this little hater girl. We're being told if she doesn't stop the-
Wendy: That's not a jelly school, that's a Dunkin' Donuts!
Rick: [looks over his left shoulder] Well, okay, but, you are a hater.
Wendy: That's fine! [leaves her seat] People can call me whatever names they want to! I don't care! There is a cancer in our country, and I'm not going to rest until Photoshopped images are required to be labeled for what they are! Fake! And nothing in this world is going to stop me!
Scene Description: The Testaburger house, Wendy's bedroom, night. Her bedroom door opens and a silhouette of Kanye is at the door. He walks in and closes the door, walks to her night stand and turns on the lamp. Wendy wakes up, looks, and jumps up
Wendy: Agh! What do you want?
Kanye: [sits on her chair and begins to read a sad story. He sniffs from time to time] Once upon a time, there was a little hobbit who lived in the forest. And all the hobbit ever wanted was to be beautiful. And even though she was short and fat and hairy, this little hobbit dreamed that one day she could be pretty like Beyoncé. [clears his throat] And then one day, along came a magic power, called Photoshop. And just like that, poof, the little hobbit was beautiful. And even though she still couldn't sing like Beyoncé, or dance like Beyoncé, or act like Beyoncé, or be a decent human being like Beyoncé, the little hobbit was looked up to and loved, just like Beyoncé! [takes a tissue from Wendy's tissue box and wipes away his tears with it] Soon she had money, and adoration, and a hip-hop fiancée who loved her very much- [turns away, getting choked up] I'm sorry, hold up. Hold up, I'm sorry. [returns to reading] Everything was good for the hobbit. But then this mean little girl, called the Jelly Monster, she was sooo jelly of the hobbit that she told everyone she was a liar, and the hobbit's fiancée realized she was just a hobbit. And you know what he said? He said "I don't CARE!" And then the jelly monster came and tried to take the magic power away from the little hobbit, so the hobbit prayed to God, and God said "Don't worry, little hobbit. I will go find this jelly monster girl, and I will read her a story and melt her icy heart." And the hobbit said "Thank you," and the hobbit and God lived happily ever after in the shower forever 'cause I love her so much! [breaks down and cries] I'm sorry, hold up. Hold up. Hold up. I'm sorry.
Wendy: Ah, ah I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I have been jelly.
Kanye: [still a wreck] Sorry, hold up, I'm sorry, it's okay. Hold up, hold on, I'm sorry.
Wendy: No no, I've been a hater, and I really am sorry.
Kanye: Sorry, sorry, that's okay. I've been jelly before too. I'm sorry.
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, morning. As kids pass each other in the hall, Wendy is in the computer lab looking at her picture. She begins to edit it, First she gives her hair a new style, then lifts her beret an inch or two, and shrinks her head. She makes more changes and tears begin to well up in her eyes. She now has hips, breasts, lipstick, blush, eyebrows and eyelashes. She's done, and clicks the Send button, which brings up a confirmation box which asks "Mass Email File 'My Pic'?". She moves the cursor to "Yes". The mouse doesn't move after that, and she clicks on "Yes". She wipes away her tears, pushes herself away from the computer, and leaves the computer lab.


Scene Description: South Park, outside. The rising sun beats brightly on the town. Bouncy music plays as the boys' houses are visited. ] Cartman's room. He's awake, staring at the ceiling, thinking.
Cartman: Boner balls. Boner balls-boner... Boner forest. Dense... boner forest.
Scene Description: Stan's kitchen. Stan is at the breakfast nook eating Astro Pops in milk, and he too is thinking.
Stan: Pungent crotch sweat. Pungent milk- milky crotch spooge.
Scene Description: The bus stop. Cartman, Stan, Kyle, and Kenny await the bus.
Kyle: Barking vaginal belch.
Cartman: Protruding vaginal boner.
Kenny: (Dilapidated titties incorporated.)
Cartman: Oh, I like that. [the bus rolls up and the boys get on board]
Scene Description: Inside the bus.
Butters: [pops up out of his seat and looks behind it] Rotten boobie turds!
Stan: Nah.
Kyle: Bloody butt cough.
Stan: [passively] Uh huh.
Scene Description: A Law Office. Stan reads possible site names from a list he compiled from his friends' suggestions to a live domain name registrar.
Stan: Angry Clit Spasm
Registrar: [types the name into a who is and waits for results] Nope, sorry.
Stan: Whooping Fart Balls.
Registrar: Nnnnnope.
Stan: Lubricated Titty Burgers.
Registrar: That's taken too.
Stan: [frustrated] Indifferent Rectal Semen Splooge!
Registrar: Sorry.
Cartman: Indifferent Rectal Semen Splooge is taken too?! Come! On!
Kyle: How are we supposed to name our startup company if every name is already taken?!
Registrar: I told you, you just have to be really original with with your company name. There's a lot of startup company these days. [the boys look at each other]
Cartman: Furry Balls Plopped Menacingly On The Table, Incorporated!
Registrar: That's available! Congratulations!
Scene Description: The Kickstarter Web site. A new project appears on it: "Furry Balls Plopped Menacingly on the Table, INC."
Scene Description: Stan's room. There should be five boys there, but Cartman is missing.
Kyle: It... doesn't... quite roll off the tongue.
Stan: Dude, we're not gonna get any attention with that name.
Butters: Man this sucks!
Randy: [opens the door and peeks in] Uhhh, Stan? Aren't you supposed to be in school?
Stan: No. Dad, we don't need school anymore. We're forming a startup company.
Randy: A startup company? A company that does what?
Stan: No, we don't wanna do anything.
Kyle: Yeah, that's why we wanna have a startup company.
Butters: Yeah, we're sick of school! But all the good attention-getting startup names are taken.
Randy: Wuhuhull, boys, there's more to starting a company than having a catchy name.
Stan: ...Nnnno, there isn't. [turns back to his computer and fleshes out the project]
Scene Description: The neighborhood, day. Cartman runs down the sidewalk
Cartman: You guys! You guys, it's awesome! Holy shit you guys! [runs up to Stan's door and enters the house. He runs into Stan's room] You guys, I've got it!
Stan: What?
Cartman: It's the greatest startup company name EVER! [Kyle and Stan move in closer to Cartman]
Kyle: What?! Tell us!
Cartman: Washington. Redskins. [Kyle and Stan look at each other]
Kyle: Washington Redskins?
Cartman: It's sooo sweet!
Stan: I'm pretty sure that's taken, Cartman.
Cartman: It's not, dude! Some dumb court-thingy, and the trademark got pulled! You can use it! Aaand the logo!
Stan: [lowers his head and strokes his chin] Washington Redskins. [raises his head] I like it!
Kenny: (Me too!)
Kyle: What?!
Cartman: Dude! There's already brand name awareness and it's instantly recognizable!
Kyle: Wait. Guys, this, this doesn't seem legal.
Cartman: Kyle, you're not hearing me! The trademark has been pulled! We can do whatever we want!
Scene Description: And so the boys get busy setting up a Washington Redskins office in town. Stan and Cartman put up a Redskins banner behind the desk. Kenny decorates the front of the desk. Stan finishes his part of the work and climbs down.
Stan: [walks up to Kyle] You alright dude?
Kyle: Yeah, I just... well I just thought our company name would be more like uh... or-original
Cartman: [climbs down the ladder and joins Stan and Kyle] It's a strong name, dude. It's like aggressive and masculine like Boner Forest, but Boner Forest was taken.
Kyle: Yeah, but maybe we need a name that's more affirming, like, shows what we stand for.
Cartman: We don't stand for anything. Remember our company plan, guys! [walks up to an easel with a 4 Point Plan on it] Start up, cash in, sell out, bro down.
Kyle: I'm just not sure this is the name people are gonna give money to.
Butters: [at the computer] We already got a dollar!
Stan: What?! [Cartman walks up to Butters]
Butters: One dollar pledge!
Kenny: (Yahoo!) [begins to dance]
Cartman: I told you guys! "Washington Redskins" totally gets people's attention!
Butters: Another two dollars!
Kyle: No way!
Cartman: Sittin' on our asses, here we come!
Scene Description: News 4 Update
News 4 anchor: Another new startup company is gaining a lot of attention on the Internet. They're a company that does absolutely nothing, and they're called, the Washington Redskins. [the page loads and someone is scrolling through it] The Redskins started as what appeared to be some kind of adolescent prank, but almost overnight it has become one of the most heavily funded projects on Kickstarter. [scroll over, next is a teen boy] Why did you give five dollars to the Washington Redskins Kickstarter?
Teen boy: I dunno, I just. Uh. They don't do anything, that's pretty sweet. I dunno, I thought it was funny.
Cartman: [on a video on the Kickstarter site] By pledging just one or two dollars, you are helping us in our fervent quest to not have to do stuff. If you pledge $10 or more, you will receive this luxurious company micro badge.
News 4 anchor: It's called crowd-funding, using the Internet to raise money without having to pay back your investors, a tactic that some believe is unfair and impersonal.
Scene Description: The new Redskins office. Cartman takes a call
Cartman: Washington Redskins. Go fuck yourself. [Butters walks across the room] Sure, we'd be happy to take your money. Yup. Go to our Kickstarter page. Okay, nice, idiot. Uh huh, fuck you, bye bye.
Businessman: [walks in with two other men] You are Eric Cartman?
Cartman: Yes, I know.
Dan Snyder: My name is Dan Snyder. I'm the president and owner of the Washington Redskins
Cartman: Oh, cool. Please take a seat.
Dan Snyder: Thank you, but I will stand.
Cartman: Nice, I like that.
Dan Snyder: Young man, we ask that you please stop using the name Washington Redskins for your organization.
Cartman: Stop? But why?
Dan Snyder: Because we are the Washington Redskins, and we are a football team! You have NO right to use our name to get attention!
Cartman: Uhhh, the trademark got pulled so I'm totaly free to use the name, actually. [phone rings, Eric reacts] Um, Butters, could you get that?
Butters: [next to the phone, answers it. Stan is on his iPhone] Washington Redskins. Go fuck yourself.
Dan Snyder: Look! Don't you see that when you call your organization "The Washington Redskins", its offensive to us?
Cartman: How is it offensive?
Coach: How is it offensive?! Jesus, what-?!
Dan Snyder: We are a proud team, Mr. Cartman! We have no wish to be associated with people who actively do nothing!
Coach: Makes us feel like a joke
Cartman: Guys, guys! We have total respect for you! When we name our company "Washington Redskins," it was out of deep appreciation for your team and your people. [grins, knowing that's not the reason.]
Dan Snyder: Uh, I know I can't legally make you stop using our name, but, but won't you just do it out of decency?
Cartman: Mmmm, noooo, Because I don't want to. Aaaand we can't just change the name of our company 'cause it's like super hard. But hey, from one Redskin to another, go fuck yourself. [the men, dejected, turn and walk out the door]
Scene Description: A Redskins jet in the sky. Snyder sits alone in it
Robin Meade: All around the world, people are saying they are inspired by the Washington Redskins. The Internet startup company has raised so much money in Kickstarter that now, more groups are doing the same.
Reporter: [a reporter speaks as Snyder looks over hit masses pool] More news on the Washington Redskins tonight. Their defiant. F-You attitude has now caught the attention of the terrorist group ISIS. The terrorists said they admire the Washington Redskins and want to try it and follow their business model.
A caller: [a newspaper falls out of a car, and Snyder picks it up and reads it] Well, let's not forget, Marsha that there's a people here, okay, who are not happy about the use of the name, the Football Washington Redskins!
Woman: Well yeah, but does anyone really care about them? [he turns to the camera and sheds a tear, in the manner of Indian Eyes Cody (Espera Oscar de Corti)]
Scene Description: Back at Washington Redskins headquarters...
Cartman: Dude, this is sooo cool! We only have six days to go before all the money pledged to our company becomes liquid!
Kyle: [enters with Stan] Guys, we need to talk to you. I really don't think we wanna be a company that ISIS looks up to. We should maybe issue a statement saying that we don't sanction them.
Cartman: Oh no. No, you guys. We started this company to do nothing. If we start doing stuff now, it'll put it all at risk!
Kyle: People aren't gonna support our company if we dig in our heels and say we don't care about anything!
Cartman: Digging in our heels and pissing on public opinion us what the Washington Redskins are all about! [pounds the desk a couple of times.] Now come on, guys! If you wanna be a successful business, then you have to be honest about what you are! [pound] Once you take a stand on something, you're pretending like your company is about more than money. Then all of a sudden you're the NFL and and your players get caught molesting little boys!
Kyle: That's the Catholic Church!
Cartman: NFL, Catholic Church, same thing! Okay, let's use the Catholic Church! You take a moral stand on issues, you say you're about honor and integrity, and the next thing you know, your clergymen are getting caught beating up their wives in an elevator!
Kyle: That's the NFL!
Cartman: It's the same thing, Kyle! The point is, if we as an organization claim to be about high morality, somebody is eventually going to get raped or beaten in an elevator and it's most likely going to be Butters.
Butters: [gasps] Oh no!
Kyle: All right, I really don't want to have to do this, but... I'm not happy with the direction this company is taking.
Cartman: Well, what are you gonna do? Go back to school? I'm not going back there, man!
Kyle: Maybe I'll start my own company.
Cartman: Well that's fine! You can't call yourself "Washington Redskins!"
Kyle: I don't want to! It's a stupid name! [eerie music plays for a few seconds]
Cartman: Well, I guess everything's out on the table now, huh Kyle?
Kyle: Yeah. I guess... I guess everything is.
Cartman: Stan? Do you think our name is stupid too?
Stan: I don't know, I... But I don't know if my future is with this company either.
Cartman: Well then, I wish you both well in your new venture. Good-bye. [Kyle and Stan walk out the door. Butters begins to follow them, but stops in his tracks.]
Butters: Hang on, is this the company where I don't get raped? Yeah, he-here, right? Okay, I'm uh stayin' here.
Scene Description: NFL Headquarters
Dan Snyder: Is the league just going to sit by and while my team and my players are compared to ISIS. You have to do something, Commissioner Goodell! What are you going to do about this?!
Goodell: [sound clips come out of his mouth, indicating he's a robot] I will get it right, and do whatever is necessary to accomplish that.
Dan Snyder: What?!
Goodell: We will continue to identify and add expertise to our team.
Dan Snyder: That's the most ridiculous nothing answer I've ever heard! What are you gonna do now?!
Goodell: Everyone will participate in educating sessions starting in the next month.
Dan Snyder: Ugh! This thing is broken!
Goodell: We can add... and we will do more, do more, do more [winds down and continues in a high pitch]
Dan Snyder: Get all the NFL owners on Skype! This thing is broken again!
Scene Description: Skype session
Dan Snyder: And so I call upon the help of all owners. You cannot let my people be belittled like this!
Jim Irsay: Dan, you don't wanna be dealin' with this stuff. Let the Goodell-bot do it.
Dan Snyder: The stupid thing isn't working!
Goodell: [starts up again] I will get it right.
Steve Bischiotti: Man, that thing hasn't worked right since we bought it.
Dan Snyder: Look, my team is starting to lose hope. You have to use your influence to make these people change their name.
Paul Allen: Did you tell them we're about honor and integrity?
Alex Spanos: If the Goodell bot is broken, we must stay out of it more than even usual!
Dan Snyder: And so I'm alone? What if they ridicule the 49ers team next? Or make fun of Jerry Jones because his eyes are too far apart?
Jerry Jones: My eyes aren't too far apart!
Paul Allen: If we get them to change their logo, will it make you happy?
Dan Snyder: Uh I guess we can live with that.
Jim Irsay: Then it is decided! We will make them change their logo. Begin mas behind-the-scenes under-the-table enforcement of our wishes NOW
Owners: Go! [all screens go blank]
Dan Snyder: Thank God!
Scene Description: A Washington Redskins announcement. Lots of cheering and applause. Cartman steps on stage before a giant Redskins logo
Cartman: Fuck youuuu, fuck youuuu. Fuck you up there! Fuck you! "Fuck you." Those words mean a great deal to us. They help us express just how we as a company... see things differently. There are a lot of startup companies on Kickstarter, but after today I think you'll agree that Washington Redskins is the most exciting. As you know, the Redskins have been on the forefront of Kickstarter as a company that is always finding new and exciting ways to tell people to go fuck themselves. And now, our company is thrilled to show you all the latest innovations we've come up with. [An image of the office appears, with the new changes] To begin with, we have moved the couch from the left side of the office to the right side. But we didn't stop there. We also added a new rug that goes better with our office drapes. And probably most exciting of all, we have actually updated the company from the inside out. We received a lot of pressure from certain communities to change our Redskins logo. As a company we want to be firm, but we also want to be flexible. And so we thought, if we have to change our logo, it should be more in step with today's times, but still define us as the leading Kickstarter company. What we came up with is the new company logo that I think you'll all agree is very exciting. [a pair of tits and male genitalia are added to the original logo, to much cheer and applause] Now when people hear the name "Redskins", they will immediately think "titties" and "balls". It's just a bold new way that we can say "We don't fucking care." Go Redskins! [cheering and applause]
Scene Description: Kyle's room. He and Stan are discussing their new company - it's "Furry Balls Plopped Menacingly on the Table, INC." resurrected
Kyle: It's so awesome, dude. Our company already has a hundred backers. And we still have 14 days to go!
Stan: Yeah...
Kyle: You okay, bro?
Stan: I just... never saw myself owning a company called "Furry Balls Plopped Menacingly on the Table, INC."
Kyle: Give it time, it'll grow on you.
Stan: Why don't we just call it "Untitled Startup Company"?
Kyle: Because that sounds like we don't have anything, We've been through this already, Stan!
Stan: Yeah, I know that. But a good company should never have seven words in its title.
Kyle: Well whattaya mean?
Stan: I just feel that somewhere out there, there's a perfect startup company name. And I need to be free to go find it.
Kyle: Oh. Well, I certainly don't want you to feel that "Furry Balls Plopped Menacingly on the Table" is holding you back. [Stan slowly walks to the door, then turns around]
Stan: Good luck with your company, dude.
Kyle: Yeah. Good luck with yours. [Stan leaves and closes the door]
Scene Description: Kickstarter Headquarters, night.
Employee: It's just... incredible, Harry. Everyone is using Kickstarter for everything!
Harry: And for every project funded, we get 5%.
Employee: It's like, we don't even have to do anything and we just make money.
Harry: Sitting on our asses, here we come.
Scene Description: Kickstarter, moments later. Tribal music comes up. Dan Snyder rises from the bushes
Dan Snyder: Caw-CAW, Caw-CAW. [his football team rises from the bushes and gather behind him] HooHOO, hoohooHOO. [other players appear and they all move in. A player sneaks past a Kickstarter employee]
Employee 2: [lowers his cup] Huh? [goes back to sipping coffee. Two more players sneak past him, and #88 tackles him moments later. Number 28 tackles another employee. Pretty soon all the employees are targeted. Two players make it to the servers and head-butt them, causing damage to them. Number 48 kicks the head off one of the employees. An uninjured female waits for an elevator. The doors open, she goes in, and number 28 spooks her. She screams. Later, Kickstarter is in flames]
Scene Description: South Park, morning
Cartman: Goooood morning, guys!
Butters: Happy Deadline Day!
Cartman: We made it, guys. We cab finally stop doing stuff and see just how much our company made in 4, 3, 2, 1 that's the deadline!
Butters: Oh boy, this is like Christmas morning!
Cartman: [tries to visit his page, but it's not coming up] What the hell? Can't find the server? [tries again] Kickstarter.com! [not found] Kickstarter. Where is Kickstarter?! Get it up on the phone, Butters. Come on, I wanna know how much our company is worth!
Butters: It's not coming up on my phone either. I... Holy Mother Mary!
Kenny: (What?!)
Butters: Somebody raided Kickstarter and they burned the building to the ground!
Cartman: What?!
Butters: Somebody killed Kickstarter!
Cartman: Who the hell would burn Kickstarter to the ground?! [gasps] Oh my God! That weird little Jewy guy! Kyle!
Scene Description: Kyle's room. He's having trouble accessing the site too.
Kyle: What the hell is wrong? "Can't find the server" Kickstarter. [Cartman barges in with Butters and Kenny in tow]
Cartman: You son of a bitch!
Kyle: What?!
Cartman: You broke Kickstarter!
Kyle: No, I just can't get it to load.
Cartman: Nobody can! It's gone! You just couldn't take it that our company was more successful than yours would ever be!
Kyle: My company was on Kickstarter too! Why would I get rid of it?!
Cartman: Well, somebody did!
Stan: It doesn't matter, you guys. There's something a lot more important here. [walks up to the boys] Do you guys remember when we first decided to start a company together? We all had a common goal. And we weren't gonna let anything stop us from getting to the bro down. But somewhere between starting up and selling out we... we lost our way. We can't do this on our own. We need each other.
Kyle: He's right. We should do a merger.
Cartman: [shocked] A merger?! It's too late for that, you guys! Kickstarter is gone! We don't have a company! We don't have anything! [begins walking out the door]
Kyle: Yes we do! We have a sweet name. [Cartman turns around] I was wrong, Cartman. "Washington Redskins" is the perfect name. I think maybe I was jealous that I didn't come up with it.
Cartman: [steps forward] It is really sweet.
Stan: And we always said that all we needed was a sweet name and the rest would figure itself out,
Butters: Yeah, we can do it, fellas! It'll be like old times!
Kyle: Whattaya say, Cartman?
Scene Description: Third Redskins announcement. Cartman comes out on stage again to cheers and applause
Cartman: Fuck you! Fuck you, everyone. Yes, fuck you all, thanks! [the cheering and applause die down] How do you stay relevant in a volatile marketplace? As you know, our goal at Washington Redskins is to not do anything, and make money not doing it.
Kyle: [joins Cartman onstage] When Kickstarter went down, many saw their startup projects die, but here at Washington Redskins, we saw opportunity. People still need a way to raise money for their stupid startup projects, and with the Redskins you can now go fund yourself. [The modified Redskin logo fades to a single line saying "GO FUND YOURSELF"] And the idea is simple. You, the people, go out and raise all your own money, and give the Washington Redskins 5%.
Cartman: You will literally be giving us money for doing absolutely nothing. It is the biggest "fuck you" we have ever come up with. But we didn't stop there, because a new company direction also means, of course, a new and improved logo. [The neo logo comes up - it's two of the old logo, with titties and balls and penises, one taking the other from behind. This receives cheers and applause]
Cartman and Kyle: Go Redskins!
Scene Description: Arlington Stadium. A helicopter shot of the stadium
Announcer: A beautiful night in Arlington, Texas as the Dallas Cowboys get set to take on the Washington Redskins. That is, of course, Washington Redskins the football team, not Washington Redskins, the audacious crowd-funding company.
Commentator: Yeah, and if you ask me, the Redskins are a scam.
Announcer: You're talking about the crowd-funding company- Redskins, right?
Commentator: That's right. An-and now you've got terrorist groups like ISIS using the Redskins to raise their money. I-I don't like what the Redskins are doing.
Announcer: Those Redskins
Commentator: Yeah, whatever.
Scene Description: The Visitors locker room. The Redskins sit there looking morose, even their owner Dan Snyder. Somber Native American music play
#35: It's over. Our name has been reduced to a stereotype and a joke.
#59: Yeah, let's just go home.
Dan Snyder: No. No, we cannot give up! We have been through too much together. We have fought Eagle, and Bear! The Eagles only beat us by three points.
#92: Yeah, but I just feel pretty stupid wearing this now.
#72: Yeah.
#35: Come on, guys.
#8: Where will we go? What will we do? [and with that his players desert him]
Dan Snyder: Don't let them break you! Don't let them win! [as kickoff approaches, a Native American drumbeat starts up]
Announcer: And the Cowboys are still set to kick off, but there doesn't seem to be anyone to kick off to.
Commentator: Yeah, and Jerry Jones must be happy this means a forfeit, another win for the Cowboys. [with his bright chameleon eyes and a woman popping up from between his legs, he must indeed be happy. Mellow Native American music joins the drumbeat]
Announcer: Wait a minute, it appears a lone Redskin is making his way out of the locker room. [Dan Snyder comes out, not in uniform, but willing to face down the Cowboys. The referee blows the whistle and the game starts.] The Cowboys kick it off. [Snyder catches it, but the Cowboys quickly pile up on him, then get off]
Dan Snyder: [dusts himself off] Hut! Hut Hut Hut! [the Cowboys pile up on him again, then get off. He dusts himself off] Hut hut hut. Hut Hut Hut Hut! [the Cowboys pile up on him again, then get off. He dusts himself off. He's quite beat up now] Hut. Hut hut hut. Hut Hut! [the Cowboys pile up on him again, then get off. The crowd finally reacts]
Crowd: Oh!
Fan wearing #3: Just stay down! For the love of God!
Dan Snyder: [barely able to move] Hut hut. Hut! [the Cowboys pile up on him again, then get off. He dusts himself off]
Fan wearing #74: Stop! Make it stop!
Fan wearing #82: Just stay down!
Another fan: Please!
Fan wearing a blue star: Just make him stay down!
Other fans: Go Redskins! Go Redskins!
Scene Description: Washington Redskins, now a crowd-funding company. Stan is at the armchair sipping Coke, Cartman is kicking back on the couch, Butters is at the desk working a paddleball, Kyle reads from a book, and Kenny is on a tablet
Stan: Boy, this is the life, huh guys?
Butters: We finally did it!
Cartman: I just might sit here until my ass fuses into the couch. [a brick flies in through a window and shards flow into the room]
Kyle: What the heck is that? [the boys leave the building to investigate]
Scene Description: Outside headquarters, they face a protest
Cartman: Whoa, whoa! What?
Protestor #1: Change your name!
Protestor #2: It doesn't belong in today's society!
Kyle: Change our name?
Stan: But you all thought our name was sweet.
Protestor #3: There's nothing sweet about a people who were decimated. A once proud nation that finally lost hope and left their leader to be massacred by Cowboys in a defiant last stand!
Kyle: When was that?
Protestor #4: Last night.
Protestor #5: Until you change your name, we are asking all your subscribers to boycott you.
ISIS spokesman: That's right! ISIS will no longer use your insensitive company for its fundraising!
Crowd: Yeah! Alright!
Protestor #1: Good for you, ISIS!
Kyle: Well what the hell do we do?
Cartman: [sighs and his voice drops] I guess we gotta go back to school. [they boys turn left and walk away, their heads hanging down. The protesters keep cheering until they're gone.]


Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The boys are indeed back at school, their crowdfunding venture having fizzled on the fires of an offensive trademark. Students head to their classrooms. The main four come in looking bright and ready to go
Kyle: Hey guys!
Stan: Morning!
Cartman: How's it going, everybody?
Kyle: Sup, Jason? [Jason turns and walks away angrily]
Cartman: Hey dude. Sup? [they encounter Token, Craig, and Jimmy.]
Craig: What are you guys doing here?
Cartman: What do you mean? We're just... going to school.
Jimmy: I thought you guys said you didn't need school.
Token: Yeah, you said you had a startup company and that school was for douchebags.
Kyle: Oh! Tha-oh, yeah, the the startup company thing didn't really work out.
Craig: But you told us all to go fuck ourselves.
Cartman: Ogh! Noo, noo, you guys, guys, what what we said was-
Craig: [keeps pressing] You told us your company was gonna make $10 million, and the rest of us could go fuck ourselves.
Kyle: We were- trying to be funny.
Jimmy: Yeah well, no one's laughing, Kyle. [Token, Craig and Jimmy split up, then everyone else goes their separate ways. Moments later, Wendy is shown at her locker]
Stan: [walks up] Hey Wendy.
Wendy: You're... back?
Stan: Yeah, the startup company thing didn't work out.
Wendy: [sarcastic] Oh wow, I'm shocked.
Stan: So hey, I was gonna see if you still wanted to see that stupid Maze Runner movie-
Wendy: You broke up with me, Stan! You said you had to be "free to chase your dreams".
Stan: Wendy, I thought my life was going in a different direction and I just felt that I, I really had to give it everything I had, you know. I had I had to focus on one thing.
Wendy: Is that why you told Clyde that you broke up with me? Because you're about to be [does air quotes] "dripping in bitches"?!
Stan: Huh? Why does everyone suddenly remember everything everybody says? [Wendy closes her locker and faces him]
Wendy: I'm happy, Stan. I'm happy I know who you really are now. You're someone who can't be counted on! You're someone who can just bail on the people you love! [turns around and walks away]
Scene Description: The cafeteria, lunchtime. Cartman looks around
Cartman: Dude, people are pissed off at us.
Kenny: (Yeah, it's fucking crazy!)
Kyle: Doesn't anyone understand the significance of "I'm sorry" anymore?
Cartman: Yeah! Well said, Kyle! Good point! What, what happened to the significance?
Kyle: Well, I guess let's just be thankful we're not Butters. They won't even let him come back to school.
Scene Description: Faculty room
Pricipal Victoria: All right everyone, thanks for coming. As you know, we urgently need to discuss the matter of Butters Stotch, who set fire to the school gymnasium and is now asking to come back. Are we all set to start?
Woman: Almost. We're just waiting on Mr. Mackey. Again.
Mr. Adler: Awww, do we need Mackey here?
Mr. Garrison: Yeah, all he's gonna talk about is how he's gluten-free now and feels sooo fuckin' amazing.
Principal Victoria: Well, you have to admit he does look a little better.
Mr. Adler: He doesn't look any different to me.
Principal Victoria: In the cheeks, you don't think he looks a little fuller?
Mr. Garrison: It's just the new diet fad! [a door opens]
Mr. Mackey: Sorry I'm late. I had to stop and get my own breakfast because I figured y'all would be having doughnuts, but I'm actually gluten-free, so I can't have doughnuts, m'kay?
Principal Victoria: Yes, Mr. Mackey, we're all aware that you're gluten-free now.
Mr. Mackey: I'm just sayin' that I personally feel sooo fuckin' amazing
Mr. Garrison: [exasperated, face in his hands] Can we discuss the gymnasium and get out of here, please?
Principal Victoria: Right, so the issue, as you all know, is that Butters set fire to the gymnasium last week and ran away laughing and flipping everyone off.
Mr. Mackey: That's probably gluten, m'kay?
Coach: Oh, God!
Mr. Mackey: Gluten causes sluggishness, irritability, and nearly all behavioral problems,
Mr. Garrison: I seriously cannot take hearing about gluten anymore.
Mr. Mackey: See, that's probably the gluten talkin', uhkay? If you cut out gluten, you don't ever get pissed off.
Principal Victoria: [surprized and interested] Really? Mwell I might just give this gluten-free thing a try. How does it work?
Mr. Garrison: Oh, no, don't try- oh God, here we go.
Scene Description: The school gym, day. Gutted by the fire, but not condemned. The fourth graders are inside during their PE period. The girls jump rope, the boys try to make baskets through a badly damaged hoop. Other boys toss basketballs at each other, while Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny sit on the burnt bleachers.
Kyle: I don't know what we're going to do? It's been like four hours and people still won't talk to us.
Kenny: (Right. What the fuck is going on?)
Cartman: You know what we gotta do, guys? [gets off the bleachers] We've gotta throw a big fuckin' party
Kenny: (A party?!)
Cartman: Yeah! How do you make everyone like you? You have a big party and invite everyone and then everyone thinks you're cool!
Kyle: Dude, that would have to be like, the best party ever.
Cartman: Well I'm down. Between the four of us we can throw the sweetest party ever, and these assholes won't even remember us being dicks to them.
Kyle: [joins him on the floor] Hey, that might work. But it can't be a party for us.
Cartman: Right, it's gotta be an awesome party for...
Stan: [joins them on the floor] For someone that we love who needs us and that we refuse to bail on!
Cartman: What?
Kyle: No no, he's right! We've gotta make it for someone in need so that people have to go.
Cartman: We lure people in with a cause and then hit 'em over the head with the best party ever. We're gonna have pizza and cake and a sweet band!
Kyle: A band! Holy shit, Stan! Didn't you say your dad knows somebody who knows Lorde?
Stan: Yeah, he said some guy at work is Lorde's uncle or something.
Cartman: Oh my God, we've got Lorde to play live.
Kenny: (This will be awesome!)
Cartman: So who do we throw the party for?
Stan: What do you mean? We have a friend who needs us right now, and we can't let him down. [Pink's "Get This Party Started" begins to play, which serves as transitional music to the next scene]
Scene Description: WSPIC 88.3, on air. The Camera pans down to the DJ
DJ: All right, that was "Get This Party Started" and joining me in the studio now are four local boys who are gearing up to throw the most epic party ever. Is that right, boys?
Kyle: Yeah, it's going to be this weekend.
Cartman: You know, we just wanted to give back to the community and show everyone a good time.
DJ: Now, this party is also for a good cause, because it's to honor a little boy with diabetes, Scott Malkinson. Is that correct?
Cartman: You, you know diabetes affects us all, but it mostly affects Scott Malkinson.
Stan: Yeah, and we just- you know, we, we just can't turn our back on him.
DJ: Must be pretty special having a big party in your honor, Scott. How does it feel?
Scott: I actually have plans this weekend.
Cartman: "I actually have plans this weekend. I'm Scott Malkinson. I've got diabetes."
DJ: All right, well, we've got lots of people callin' in. Caller, what's your question?
Craig: Are you guys making this up?
Kyle: Nope! We're gonna have all the pizza you can eat, twenty different cakes, and Lorde is going to play live!
Craig: All the pizza we can eat?
Cartman: Believe it, dude.
Craig: All right, this better be good.
DJ: All right, it's sure to be a blast. Phone lines are going craaazy!
Stan: Sweet!
DJ: Next caller, what's your question?
Principal Victoria: Yes, will there be gluten-free options for people at this party?
Stan: Excuse me?
Principal Victoria: Well I've been gluten-free for about a day now, and I have to say I feel sooo amazing. I just want to make sure there's food for all of us.
DJ: Mark in Fairplay, you had a comment?
Mark: Yeah, I agree with the last caller. I was in a restaurant and ordered the gluten-free quinoa salad, and a guy right next to me was eating a sandwich. It's like "Get your second-hand gluten away from me!"
DJ: All right, all right, next caller, you got a question for the boys?
Mr. Garrison: Yeah, I swear, if I hear another person talking about being gluten-free I'm gonna piss in their face.
Cartman: What the hell is gluten?
Scene Description: Park County community center, night. Most everyone in town is at the meeting tonight.
John Garner: Hello everyone, my name is John Garner and I'm a nutrition advisor from the USDA. I want to clarify the USDA's position on a healthy diet. There's been a lot of confusion about gluten lately. People saying that gluten is the cause of cancer, gluten should be avoided, gluten can make your dick fly off, but let's set the record straight.
Randy: [To Gerald] Make your dick fly off?
John Garner: People believe that omitting gluten will make you healthier, but of course, that's a bunch of hooey. Hooey is the preservative found in processed foods, that we now believe is the main culprit of obesity. You might say "Well there's fat in butter too," but that's just poppycock. Poppycock first came from India and is the key ingredient in red meat which we now realize is good for you along with hooey. The good hooey, not the bad hooey. So what is gluten?
Mr. Garrison: Yes, thank you!
John Garner: Simply put, gluten is the protein found in flour when you take all the starch away. [holds up a stalk of wheat]. Flour is of course, just wheat, and when you add a liquid to flour, you get dough. [grabs a wad of dough] Dough that makes breads, doughnuts, pasta, and all the hooey-free foods that humans enjoy. [puts the dough into a special washer. The extract going through a distillation process] Now, if we wash the dough of all its starch, we can actually distil the wheat down, minus the water, minus the starch, and what we're left with is pure gluten. Not a bio-weapon, just harmless flour protein.
Mr. Mackey: Then eat it!
John Garner: Excuse me?
Mr. Mackey: If it's not dangerous, then eat that pure concentrated gluten, okay?
John Garner: [looks at the gluten, then at the audience, then moves the gluten to his lips] Yeah. Alright. [sips it down] Dup, dup. [his body contorts as he groans. Everyone in the audience begins to panic. He shows signs of burning up, and his groin begins to set off electrical sparks. His penis wriggles out of there and soon launches itself.]
Mr. Mackey: Oh, you see that? His dick's flyin' off. [people begin to leave the community center. The penis escapes and comes back to knock a man down]
Scene Description: Papa John's Pizza is shown. The townsfolk run right past it.
Stephen: [stops] Oh my God! These people don't even know! [faces the pizza joint] Hurry! You gotta go!
Mr. Garrison: [stops as well] Oh Jesus! Hey! It isn't safe in there! [inside, two workers just stand around behind the counter] Get out of there!
Stephen: Get out! You're not safe!
Mr. Garrison: You gotta get out!
Stephen: Hurry! You gotta go!
Scene Description: The Marsh kitchen. Randy opens the cupboard and pulls everything out of it, including foods like Choc-Block Cookies, Circus Cookies, Fudge-Stuffed Fingerlings, Granny's Mac 'n Cheese, Frosted O-Face-O's and Puffed Up. Sharon does the same at another cupboard, removing items like Candy Corn Oreos, Thwizlerz and Cheesey Poofs; packing them in a white garbage bag with other foods like Hamburger Helper, Fiber-O's, Muffin Top, Chicken Nuggets and Beef Burritos. They're both in a panic. Shelly and Stan appear at the kitchen entrance.
Randy: What about the Powerbars? The Powerbars?
Sharon: Yes!
Randy: Hamburger Helper?
Sharon: That's all gluten!
Randy: There's hot dog buns in that cupboard, Sharon!
Sharon: Hey, dad, I need to talk to you about this party we're having.
Randy: Oh my God, the WHEAT THINS!
Sharon: It's in the Triscuits too, Randy!
Stan: Wait, wait, ah I might need those.
Randy: This stuff will make your dick fly off, Stan!
Sharon: Don't forget the freezer!
Randy: Oh God! [now clearing the freezer] Chicken nuggets - breaded! Frozen burritos - flour! Ice cream! What about ice cream?!
Sharon: I don't know! Look at the ingredients!
Randy: Heavy cream, sugar, chocolate syrup - no, ice cream's good for you!
Sharon: All right, that's all of it!
Randy: You sure? All r- all right, you got those?!
Sharon: I can get both of these, yeah!
Randy: All right, come on! [a loaf of whole wheat sandwich bread falls out. Moments later, Randy comes back for it, then leaves again]
Scene Description: Kyle's room, night. Kyle is working on the party's budget when his phone rings. It's Cartman
Kyle: Hey Cartman.
Cartman: KYLE! IT'S ALL GONE! THEY'VE TAKEN IT ALL! WHY ARE THEY DOING THIS?! KYLE! KYLE!
Kyle: Dude, calm down.
Cartman: THERE'S NO SNACKS LEFT, KYLE! THEY TOOK ALL THE SNACKS AND THE PIZZA AND THE CAKE AND WE'RE NOT GONNA HAVE A PARTY!
Kyle: Who took all the pizza and the cake? [begins to notice flickering lights outside his window and hears an approaching crowd. All the gluten-tainted food that people have been bagging is being thrown into a bonfire] What the hell?
Cartman: KYYYLE!
Scene Description: A wheat field outside of town. Rolling hills of wheat are shown when the start turning brown. A flamethrower begins burning the field. A man wielding the flamethrower appears walking methodically through the field
Mr. Garrison: Yeah! Get it! Get it all! Yeah, that's it! Burn, you bastard!
Farmer: What are you doing?!? My farm!
Randy: Son of a bitch! Did you not know or did you just not care?! Keeyah! [knocks him down with a right punch to the right cheek]
Scene Description: U.S.D.A. Strategic Command Center, FDA approved, day.
Tom Vilsack: There's panic all over the country and you're telling me you don't have any kind of containment on this thing?!
Researcher: We're working as fast as we can, sir.
Tom Vilsack: [sighs loudly] Are you sure it's gluten that started the reaction?
Researcher: [they stop by a rat cage] We gave these rats an injection of concentrated whole wheat bread just a short time ago. You can see it already having a negative effect. [the rat is having an arousal it can't control. It flips over on its back, its penis wriggling out and shooting off. The rat dies.]
Tom Vilsack: We told people that whole wheat bread was healthy! Isn't wheat the ingredient in pasta that makes it healthy?
Researcher: No. We believe now that that's poppycock.
Tom Vilsack: [to everyone on the floor] All right, listen up! We have the obligation to make this thing right and to tell people what is and isn't safe to eat. We are the USDA! Without us, people would be eating dirt and... chairs. Whatever it takes, stop this crisis! [turns left and leaves. Another rat in the background loses its penis and dies.]
Scene Description: Cartman's room. Cartman is in bed with a slight cough. He blows his nose, and his door opens. the boys enter
Kyle: Cartman? Come on, dude. You have to get up.
Cartman: What's the point? Everyone hates us at school and our party's gonna suck.
Stan: We can't let our party suck.
Cartman: What kind of epic party can you have without pizza and cake? Now all we've got is Lorde.
Kyle: That's right, we've still got Lorde. You talked to your dad, right Stan?
Stan: [looks down, then] I'll be back. [turns and leaves]
Cartman: You know what I'mm gonna miss most? Pancakes. I keep having dreams of Aunt Jemima. She's trying to tell me something. But then she just fades away.
Kyle: Cartman, we can't do this alone. You have to get up.
Cartman: [turns to his right side] There's nothing left, you guys! The world is upside down. Things aren't gonna get better, they're gonna get worse.
Scene Description: The Marsh house. The bell rings and Randy answers it.
Randy: Yes?
Worker 1: Hello, sir. We've had word of a possible gluten exposure in your home. May we come in?
Randy: Gluten expohn... oh not here!
Worker 2: Can we come in please?
Randy: Wuh sure! [shows them in. They enter and their gluten meters crackle as they go around the house]
Sharon: [coming down the stairs] What's going on? [one of the workers stops at the kitchen wastebasket and pulls out a pair of tongs. He rifles through the trash can with it and pulls out a Pabst Blue Ribbon can]
Randy: Well that's just a beer.
Worker 1: Oh Jesus.
Shelly: BEER IS ALL WHEAT, DAD!!
Randy: [to Shelly] Shuut up, [to the worker] beer is bad for you?!
Worker 2: We're gonna need you to come with us, sir. Don't touch me.
Randy: Look, I'm OK! Yuh, you wanna see my dick?
Worker 1: We just need you to be in quarantine for a while until everyone figures out what's going on.
Randy: No! Not Papa John's. [shakes his head] I don't wanna go to Papa John's! [shakes his head more violently] YOU CAN'T MAKE ME GO TO PAPA JOOOHN'S!!
Scene Description: Papa John's, day. It is now Gluten Quarantine Center 1, and Randy's the newest quarantine. Outside are one of the workers and a soldier
Randy: How long do I have to stay here?!
Soldier: Until the USDA gets control of the situation, sir.
Randy: What am I supposed to eat?
Soldier: It's okay, there's lots of toppings. Just eat the toppings. [the soldier and the worker walk away]
A Quarantine: How'd you get exposed? [it's a blond man on the floor] Bagels? Gravy?
Randy: Beer. I didn't know it had gluten.
Mr. Garrison: There's always somethin'. For me it was the soy sauce. [his voice grows soft] Sneaky, sneaky soy sauce.
Scene Description: USDA headquarters, day
Jeff: We're trying to get a handle on just how much gluten there is out there, but... It seems impossible to contain.
Tom Vilsack: And we have no idea how to tell people to protect themselves?
Researcher: [approaches with an open laptop] We've been running simulations, but they're problematic because they don't relate to our current schematics. Here, look. This is what we've been recommending for the past three years. [Shown is a food tray with dish and cup on it. The dish has larger portions for veggies and grains, smaller portions for fruits and proteins, and the cup is dairy, off to the side with the smallest portion] Five basic food groups, not four. We were wrong about that. We now realize, of course, that the largest of these groups we've been recommending is basically poison [a skull and crossbones appears over the grains]. Sir, to combat the gluten, we're trying every possible combination of the four remaining food groups, but so far, no answers.
Agent: Sir, the feds are here.
Tom Vilsack: Oh shit!
FDA Agent 1: Tom Vilsack?
Tom Vilsack: Yes?
Michael Taylor: Michael Taylor, FDA.
Tom Vilsack: Yeah, thank you, but this is a USDA problem.
Michael Taylor: Anything involving meat and dairy is our problem too!
Scene Description: Papa John's, day. Stan approaches the blocked entrance
Stan: Dad? Dad!
Randy: [appears through a window] Stan! ...Hey! ...How's my boy? Daddy's gonna be all right. Okay?
Stan: Yeah. Dad, you know that guy at work you said is Lorde's uncle or something?
Randy: I can't touch you or hug you, but... but I'm right with you. Do you understand?
Stan: Yeah. You remember you said that Lorde, the singer, her uncle worked with you?
Randy: How's your mom? Your, your sister?
Soldier 2: [appears next to him and begins tugging at him] This is a quarantined area, kid. You're you're gonna have to go.
Stan: Nonono, not yet. DAD!
Randy: That's my son, you bastard!
Soldier 2: I'm sorry, all right?
Stan: Dad, who's the guy at work that knows Lorde? Let me go! DAD!
Randy: Staaan!
Stan: Let me talk to my dad! [the soldier finally hauls him away]
Randy: Staaaaaaan!
Scene Description: Cartman's room, night. He's asleep. A nightmare comes on, and visions of fellow students pass through his dream
Craig: You call this a party?! Your party sucks!
Token: Come on guys, let's go!
Jimmy: No food at a party? And I thought I was handicapped! [the voices mount and soon he's lifted out of bed as one last kid says "What a loser" which echoes and fades away. He finds himself in bayou territory]
Aunt Jemima: Hello, Eric. [he sees her, on a porch, with a plate of pancakes] Come on over here, sugar.
Cartman: Aunt Jemima. [stands up and walks over]
Aunt Jemima: There's people in trouble, Eric. They need to be shown the way.
Cartman: I don't know the way, Aunt Jemima.
Aunt Jemima: You need to get to the USDA, child. They're lookin' for a sign.
Cartman: I don't even know what that means.
Aunt Jemima: When you're stuck, look to the pyramids.
Cartman: Are you going to eat those pancakes?
Aunt Jemima: They've got it wrong, child! [suddenly the scenery changes to the pyramids at Giza. Her voice takes on a cosmic tone, and Cartman spins in place] The world is upside down.
Cartman: Oooo, trippy...
Aunt Jemima: Tell then they've got's it backwards!
Cartman: They've got what backward? [everything vanishes into a gray field, then a golden triangle appears, then shatters. A kaleidoscope of kids appears, taunting him. Aunt Jemima's face shatters, revealing the golden triangle.]
Cartman: [he falls through his dream, surrounded by everything that has gluten in it] Noooo... [and suddenly wakes up] Oh! Ohhh, oh. Hoooh. Fuck, I want pancakes.
Scene Description: Papa John's, day. establishing shot. Inside Randy sits on a cot
Randy: You can't just keep us in here!
Mr. Garrison: [clanging] We're out. [holds up an empty tray] We're all out of toppings! There's nothing left to eat.
Blond: [looks outside, then] They're just gonna let us starve to death?
Randy: They don't care about us. Face it. We're already dead to them. [buries his face in his hands]
Blond: Well then, I guess I might as well eat! [stands up and walks towards the storage room]
Mr. Garrison: There's nothing left, I told you.
Blond: There's plenty of pizza dough.
Randy: Are you crazy?
Blond: I'm crazy hungry! [takes a wad of dough and begins eating it] Oh... Oh... Fuck, it's so good! [Randy and Mr. Garrison wait for the other shoe to drop] I want more... It's been so long! [gets more dough and eats voraciously]
Randy: Oh my God, you... [the blond stops eating] But... you're okay.
Blond: You don't think it's a little ridiculous that wheat protein is toxic? This whole thing was a setup, man!
Mr. Garrison: A setup? But by who?
Randy: Oh my God, we... we have to get a hold of someone who could get the word out.
Blond: Maybe Papa John can help us! If we can get a hold of them, then maybe we can- [his penis suddenly and quickly flies off and he dies]
Randy: Ng-oh. [snaps his fingers. He and Garrison go find seats]
Scene Description: WSPIC 88.3, on air. Stan is reading an announcement
Stan: There's a health crisis going on, and it's spreading faster than anyone realizes. For a long time we ignored it. Thought it would only affect the poor. People who ate Eggo waffles and Pizza Pockets. But gluten can attack anyone. This is not a time to party. This is a time to get serious. We're calling on everyone to spend this weekend learning about gluten and how to protect yourself and your family. Because we don't know how much time we have.
DJ: Well all right, time for action indeed. Let's go to the phone lines. Go ahead, caller.
Craig: I knew you guys were going to bail on the party.
Kyle: We're not bailing on the party, we're just think there's... more important things right now!
Craig: Uh huh, you guys couldn't get Lorde to play, could you?
DJ: All right, let's go to Jamie in Como. Go ahead.
Jamie: It's like ya... ya say you're gonna throw the most epic party of the decade and then you rip it away! It's kind of like... telling everyone to go fuck themselves!
DJ: Oh Kansas, watch the language there. Next caller, you're on the air.
Wendy: Why are you doing this party, Stan? Was it because you made people mad at school or... because you just wanted to be a big shot?
Stan: I... we... we wanted to bring people together and help Scott Malkinson, but-
Wendy: So then at a time when people really need to come together you cancel on 'em? I'm pretty sure Scott Malkinson still has diabetes.
Scott: That is correct, yes, I do.
Wendy: You couldn't put on the party you were hoping to put on, was that it?
Kyle: Jesus Christ, dude.
Stan: Wendy, there IS a health crisis right now...
Wendy: Right, and when things change or things come up, you don't forget about everything you promised people!
Stan: We had no idea what to serve people to eat, okay?! We're gonna look stupid!
Wendy: Thought so. [hangs up. Stan lets his head fall on the table]
DJ: Ohhhhhh well all right, next caller is Eric. Are you there, Eric?
Cartman: KYYYLE!
Kyle: Cartman?
Cartman: KYYYLE, WHAT DOES USDA STAND FOR?! AUNT JEMINA SAID USDA HAS TO LOOK AT THE PYRAMID!
Scene Description: USDA headquarters, day. Everyone is in a rush.
Tom Vilsack: It's dinner time on the East coast in less than an hour. People are going to die!
Jeff White: Sir! They've got a boy on the hot line who says he might know something.
Tom Vilsack: Who is this?
Cartman: My name isn't important. What matters is that... the answer is in the pyramid.
Tom Vilsack: The pyramid? That's ancient stuff you're talking about. Are you sure? [to the floor] Bring up the pyramid! [a programmer gets on it. An image comes up on screen, showing four food groups in four layers inside a pyramid. Grains take the bottom, widest layer, followed by fruits and vegetables, meat and dairy, and fats and oils narrowing to a point at the top]
Cartman: What, what is it? What is it for?
Tom Vilsack: We built the pyramid a long time ago to illustrate how much people should eat of the four basic food groups.
Programmer: Sir, we abandoned the pyramid when Michelle Obama got involved.
Tom Vilsack: The pyramid down't work. We already tried it.
Cartman: It's upside down.
Tom Vilsack: What?
Cartman: Sir, the pyramid is upside down.
Tom Vilsack: Turn the pyramid upside down.
Programmer 2: You can't be serious. That would put butter and fat at the top of the-
Tom Vilsack: Flip the damned food pyramid!
Michael Taylor: This is NOT FDA-approved!
Tom Vilsack: It's dinnertime on the east coast in ten minutes! Now DO IT! [the programmers get on it]
Programmer 3: Sir, we've got a match.
Programmer 4: Nutrition is stabilizing!
Programmer 5: We've got a well-balanced vaccine, sir! [everyone cheers]
Tom Vilsack: Get the President on the phone. Tell him... to have some steak with his butter.
Scene Description: The awesome party, day. The boys came through, everyone in town is there. Mr. Garrison serves steaks with large bars of butter to Mr. Mackey and Principal Victoria. "We love you Scott." Photo booth, soda station
Craig: [with butter on a stick] Well, I gotta admit, you guys throw a pretty sweet party.
Kyle: Hey, we'd do anything for our bros, man.
Scott: [approaches with a plate of butter on a stick] Would you guys care for a frozen butter pop?
Kyle: We're good, Scott. Stop bugging us. [Scott walks away]
Tom Vilsack: We really dodged a bullet, young man. Thanks to you, America knows what to eat again.
Cartman: Yeah well, I'm glad people aren't mad at you anymore. I know what that feels like.
Tom Vilsack: We're gonna get a better view of the stage.
Cartman: Yeah yeah, enjoy the party. [takes a couple of steps and notices the ghost of Aunt Jemima over a fence. He waves at her. She waves back.]
Jeff White: Wait till my girls see that I was at a party with Lorde!
Clyde: I'm glad the food is good. Lorde sucks.
Jimmy: Yeah, she isn't as hot in person.
Randy: [dressed up as Lorde] Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah. I am Lorde, yeah yeah yeah. Lorde, Lorde. Call me Lorde yeah yeah yeah. Yeah yeah yeah.
Stan: Hey Wendy, you havin' fun?
Wendy: Yeah, sure. You guys really pulled it off.
Stan: Yeah, well, I just couldn't sit around while my dad was locked away. I love him and he needed me.
Wendy: You're so transparent, Stan.
Stan: What does that mean?
Wendy: You wanna dance? [he looks back at her, smiles, and goes to dance with her.]
Randy: We love the city, yeah yeah yeah, 'cause I am Lorde. I am Lorde. Lorde Lorde Lorde Lorde yeah yeah yeah.