Scene Description: A TV screen showing animated graphics: Decision 2008 Debate, on Fox 31
Announcer: Live, from Chicago, Illinois, it's Decision 2008.
Moderator: [in a droning voice] Good evening and welcome to the political debate between Hillary Rodham Clinton and Barack Obama. [turns to them] First question: How do you see yourself as different from your opponent?
Scene Description: Stan's house. Randy has the four boys seated on the couch as they all watch TV together. Randy has a beer in his left hand. Butters is passed out while the other three boys are half asleep.
Stan: Ugh, Dad, can we please not watch this?
Randy: This is important, Stanley! [the boys look at him] You boys should care about this stuff.
Cartman: Yeah, but we totally don't.
Randy: Well you boys are gonna sit and watch this! This is what really matters!
Moderator: And so, Mr. Obama, why don't you tell us your stance on military spending?
Barack Obama: Well, my opinion is that-
Scene Description: Emergency New Bulletin
Announcer: We interrupt this debate for an emergency news bulletin! It's... Britney Watch! [a montage of Britney pictures is stamped with a stamp saying "Britney Watch" inside it. Dramatic background music starts up] Keeping you up-to-date with all your Britney Spears news!
Butters: [wakes up and looks at the screen] Man...
Randy: [getting excited, leans forward] Oh-oh boy, what's she done now?
Anchorman: Britney Spears has been spotted camping in the Colorado mountains, and one report claims that she has taken a piss... in the forest. Robert Pooner has more.
Robert Pooner: Ron, I'm standing in South Park, Colorado, where Britney Spears has apparently been trying to get away from it all. [the boys react to the news]
Cartman: Aw dude, that's our town!
Robert Pooner: Ms. Spears was spotted at a mountain campground [shots of her pitching a tent and relaxing in a chair after the tent is up], and you won't believe what she did, Ron. The troubled diva took a piss. Right on a ladybug. We've blurred out parts of the photo so that it doesn't offend. [a shot of her squatting and pissing on the ladybug. The blurred area is her face]
Randy: She's such a train wreck!
Robert Pooner: When the photo is enhanced, Ron, you can see the poor little ladybug getting doused. [extreme closeup of the piss hitting the ladybug]
Ron: [the anchorman] This must be very embarrassing for Britney that this photo got out, Bob, and, and she looks like she's gained weight.
Robert Pooner: That's right, Ron, she really chubbed up. And if you zoom in on her face, you can see that she's got some zits! [a closeup of her chin shows two zits]
Butters: Aw, poor girl.
Randy: [rising from his armchair] Hey Sharon, Britney peed on a ladybug. [heads towards the kitchen]
Ron: The photograph was taken by Brian Willis of Bailey, Colorado [a photo of Brian Willis holding lots of bricks of money appears], who sold it to 31 News for a hundred thousand dollars.
Kyle: A hundred thousand dollars?
Cartman: That's enough to buy slaves!
Ron: Britney is said to be now hiding out in a South Park motel. Aand now back to the stupid Democratic debates.
Hillary Clinton: ...and spearchuckers.
Kyle: [gets off the sofa] Did you guys hear that?! A hundred thousand dollars for a picture of Britney.
Stan: [gets off the sofa] And she's at a hotel in our town. [Cartman gets up as well and gets restless]
Kyle: It's gotta be the Komfort Inn. It's the nicest hotel in South Park. Cartman, go get your camera.
Cartman: [runs off] Sweet!
Butters: [finally gets up] Hey, hanguh, hang on, fellas, don't you think Britney's been through enough? I mean, maybe it's finally time for us all to just leave her alone.
Stan: [thinks a bit, then] Butters, don't be such a pussy.
Butters: [looks at Stan, then at Kyle] Hokay. [smiles]
Scene Description: The sidewalk. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman walk along, Cartman has his camera with him
Kyle: A hundred thousand for a picture of Britney peeing on a ladybug. Imagine what a photo of her crapping on a squirrel is worth!
Butters: [hidden, comes to the front] Well this costume was supposed to be for the Easter musical, fellas, not for tryin' to make an easy buck! [something stops them in their tracks]
Stan: Oh no.
Scene Description: Before them is the Komfort Inn, with a crowd of paparazzi standing in front of it. The boys walk up to the crowd
Kyle: Excuse us, we're trying to get a picture of Britney Spears!
Photographer 1: Join the club.
Photographer 2: Yeah, all you amateur photographers are makin' this tougher on the professionals!
Cartman: We're professionals too, you fuckin' butthole! [the boys make it through the crowd and approach a set of stairs. A security guard stops them]
Guard: Ah ah, nobody goes upstairs.
Kyle: [stammers] We uh, we have special permission?
Stan: Yeah, don't you recognize us? We're Britney Spears' kids.
Guard: You are?
Butters: [not amused] Not me! I'm a squirrel!
Scene Description: A hotel room. Britney is painting her toenails on a low table while on the phone with someone
Britney: But now everybody thinks I hate ladybugs. I didn't even know it was there. I can't take it anymore. I'm just sooo- [several knocks are heard at her door]
Guard: Excuse me, Ms. Spears, but your kids are here and they've brought you a squirrel.
Britney: My boys? Really? Send them in. [to the caller] It's okay. My kids are here. I feel better now. [hangs up. Stan and the others enter the room]
Kyle: We did it guys!
Stan: I told you that would work!
The Boys: Yehehahah, all right!
Kyle: Ahall right!
Britney: [walks up to them] You mean, it was just a joke? My kids ain't here?
Kyle: All right. Butters, go get next to her.
Butters: I ain't doin' it! We tricked her and it wasn't nice!
Stan: Butters, do you want your share of the hundred thousand dollars or not?
Britney: [walks back to the table] You're never gonna leave me alone, are you?
Butters: It ain't right to take advantage of somebody no matter who they are! [Britney opens a drawer and pulls something out]
Kyle: All right, fine! We don't need you, Butters!
Stan: Yeah, we'll just get a picture of her doing something else.
Cartman: [aims his camera] All right lady, just flash us your crotch or somethin'.
Britney: I've got a better idea.
Stan: You do?
Britney: Yeah. [whips out a big shotgun, shoves the nozzle into her mouth, and pulls the trigger]
Stan, Kyle: NO! [the gun goes off and she falls to the ground. The gun falls away from her. All four boys stand there all petrified. Cartman does not take any pictures. After a bit, Cartman turns and runs out. Butters looks at Stan and Kyle, then heads for the door]
Butters: [stops and looks back] You killed her! [leaves]
Guard: Hey, everything all right u-. Oh.
Scene Description: A hospital. Not Hell's Pass. Stan and Kyle sit on chairs outside a room, waiting for word on Britney's condition.
Nurse: [over the PA system] Paging Dr. Bender? Paging Dr. Bender, please? [another nurse wheels an elderly patient across the hall]
Stan: We should have just left her alone. But we just had to push her.
Kyle: How could we know she would... Aw we suck so hard.
Doctor: [walks up to Stan and Kyle and faces them] She's... alive.
Kyle: Whew.
Stan: Oh, thank God.
Doctor: But, we almost lost her. Why couldn't you boys just leave her alone?
Kyle: Doctor, could we talk to her for a minute?
Doctor: I don't want you making her upset.
Stan: We don't wanna upset her, we just want to tell her that we're sorry.
Doctor: [sighs] All right.
Scene Description: Britney's recovery room
Doctor: [enters with Stan and Kyle] Ms. Spears, these boys wanted to say something. [Britney gargles something. Only her lower jaw and the base of her skull remain of her head]
Kyle: Oh my God!
Stan: Oh no!
Doctor: [by Britney's side] The boys are just shocked at how good you look, Britney. [glares at Stan and Kyle] Right, boys?!
Kyle: Oh, yeah. Yeh-yeah. It's a-it's not even noticeable. [Britney gargles something back. The boys join the doctor at her side]
Doctor: Well, I'll let you boys have your say. [walks off. Britney gargles something]
Stan: [his voice shaking] Ms. Spears, uh... we're... really... sorry for making you want to kill yourself.
Kyle: Oh, God, what have we done?!
Scene Description: Britney Watch returns, complete with montage and music
Announcer: It's Britney Watch! Keeping you up-to-date with all your Britney Spears news!
Reporter: [outside Denver Medical Center, with photographers swarming the area] You won't believe what Britney's done now. The troubled pop star has just been spotted with a crazy "no top part of my head" look. This video [shown as he speaks] was taken just hours ago as Britney was wheeled into the hospital for some reason. And if we zoom in on the footage, right, ri-right here [the camera zooms in on the left breast], you can also definitely see a boob job scar. No doubt now that she's had plastic surgery in the past.
Anchorman: O ho ho, oh houch, that's gotta be embarrassing. Chris, any word on why Ms. Spears went for this radical "no top of the head" look?
Chris: No word yet, Tom, but it could be over the embarrassment of the boob job scar video we showed just, just now. Uh, even though the timing doesn't quite work out.
Scene Description: Denver Medical Center, Britney's recovery room. The window begins to crowd with photographers and flash bulbs begin to go off. Stan and Kyle look back at the window. The photographers begin to clamor for Britney's attention
Kyle: [he and Stan are blinded by the flash] Dude! [the doctor reaches the curtains and closes them, but the flashes don't stop going off]
Doctor: Damn it, she can't handle any stress right now!
Manager: Excuse me, I'm Britney Spears' manager. [sees her in bed] Oh, jeez, Britney! Britney, what were ya thinkin'? First you shave your head and now this.
Britney: Guglo.
Manager: Well, it's a ballsy new look, I'll give you that.
Paparazzo: Brit! Over here, Brit. One for Star Weekly. [Britney instinctively raises her left arm to shield her eyes from the camera, though she has no eyes now]
Doctor: Damn it you have to take her out of here; she can't be around all this right now.
Britney: Right. We need to take her home. Boys, can you give me a hand with her?
Stan: Yeah, of course. [begins to help out]
Scene Description: A side entrance. The manager opens the door and looks around for any photographers
Manager: [softly] Okay, come on! [leads the boys and Britney out] My car is right here. [opens the door and gets in. The photographers are within earshot...]
Photographer 3: Hey look!
Photographer 4: There she is! [A photographer points and his face becomes distorted. The photographers rush the car before the manager can leave]
Kyle: Oh crap! [the photographers again clamor for Britney's attention, and one of them asks about her choice of shoes]
Stan: Jesus Christ!
Manager: Yeah yeah, it's like this all the time. [to the photographers] Thank you! Yes, thanks. [drives out of the crowd and peels away. The paparazzi look on and then pursue the car on foot]
Stan: Look, uh, we feel really bad, and, and we wanna help Britney however we can.
Manager: That's great, boys. Britney seems to have really taken a liking to you. And don't worry: Britney is a queen at reinventing herself. We just need to get her into the recording studio right away.
Kyle: What?!
Scene Description: Britney's recording studio. Stan and Kyle are there with the manager and the studio crew, and they're outraged at the way Britney is being treated.
Manager: All right, Britney, let's take it from the top. Remember to bring that sexiness to it.
Kyle: Excuse me, is this really what you think she should be doing right now?
Bruce: All right, Brit, let's try it from the top. [a studio hand gives her some headphones to work with, and she holds them up against what would be her right ear. She gargles intermittently]
Female Aide: God, what a train wreck.
Male Aide: She must be stoned again. [Britney continues to gargle more often and longer]
Stan: Would you put a stop to this, please? This is only gonna make things worse.
Manager: Whattaya mean? She sounds great. [suddenly stops the music] Ah, Britney, that last lyric is supposed to be "love elation". Sounds more like you're saying "love creation".
Britney: Gogehah.
Manager: E-la-tion. Really enunciate the L.
Britney: Egeul-gageol
Bruce: Gah, she's so stupid.
Stan: What do you expect?! Look at her! She doesn't have most of her brain!
Bruce: I know. She's really dumb, huh? [smiles]
Stan: No, I mean, she literally doesn't have most of her brain! Her head is gone!
Bruce: [cups his hands like he's grabbing Britney] Yeah. And she's all fat, too.
Britney: Okel?
Scene Description: MTV Video Music Awards 2007
Announcer: Live, from Las Vegas, it's the MTV Video Music Awards
VJ: What's up, y'all? It's the MTV Awards and we are kickin' it off right. Here to perform her new song is the one, and only, Britney Spears! [two stage hands walk Britney out on stage]
Kyle: Aw come on now, people! [the manager is pleased with the performance]
Woman: Oh my God, she's really gotten chubby. [the song begins: "It's Britney, bitch!" Britney is waiting for her cue as dancers swirl around her. She begins to warble, and it echoes. She walks and immediately a dancer keeps her from falling.]
Singers: The way she fee-els. [Britney leans over, and another dancer stands her up again. She warbles some more] Love inside.
Man: Oh man, she's totally lip-syncing.
Stan: [annoyed] She doesn't have any lips!
Singers: Temporary. [Britney warbles some more. Two male dancers come by and turn her around so the camera can focus on her ass] So hot! [a few moments she gets a solo segment and four male dancers fawn over her]
Scene Description: Post-Awards report
Reporter: Disaster at the MTV awards. People are ridiculing Britney Spears. Her performance was awful, Tom. She looked tired, she looked fat, she didn't have a head. It was just completely phoned in. No doubt, Tom, that girl has major issues.
Scene Description: A green room. Britney, her manager, and the boys are watching the news report
Manager: Don't listen to 'em, Brit! They're all just jealous. And we can put you on SlimFast tomorrow. [walks over to the door and opens it. The paparazzi is there, piled on from floor to ceiling] Hang on, hang on, she'll be out in a minute. [leaves, closing the door. No paparazzi get in. Once the place is silent, she sits back on her armchair and relaxes with a sigh. Stan and Kyle can only look on]
Stan: We have to get her away from all this, dude. People just aren't gonna let up. We have to take her somewhere to just be at peace.
Kyle: Dude, where in the world can Britney Spears go where nobody will bother her?
Stan: [strokes his chin and takes a few steps forward] I know where.
Scene Description: TransTrak station: "Travel by Train." It's 2:24 in the afternoon when Stan pops up at the window
Stan: We want three tickets to the North Pole. [the clerk stops what he's doing and looks around]
Clerk: The North Pole? [leaves his chair and walks to the window] Who the hell goes to the North Pole?
Stan: We do. Me, my friend, and his aunt. [Kyle and Britney stand behind him. Britney is wearing a wig, sunglasses, and hat as a disguise]
Scene Description: Britney Watch returns...
Announcer: [breathless] It's Britney Wowtch!
Ron: A distraught Britney Spears has apparently disappeared and abandoned all those close to her. A local housewife caught a photo of Britney running away in this disguise! [a shot of Stan and Kyle leading Britney down the street]
Robert Pooner: Britney is obviously very upset about her MTV performance, Ron, and so she's become desperate. Most troubling for her is the fact that her disguise has total camel toe. [the camera zooms in on her crotch to show what looks like a camel's toe under her shorts]
Ron: Oooooh, ouch!
Anchorwoman: Oh boy, now, Leslie, this seems like a really bad camel toe offense.
Leslie: Absolutely major camel toe, Tracy. Britney just seems oblivious. She was bound to get noticed: you walk around with that kind of cam toe and you're gonna turn heads.
Ron: [grunts a little] Eh, David, any idea as to how big the camel toe actually was? [a shot of Britney and a camel toe together]
Robert Pooner: She was sportin' toe like never before, Brian. I, I don't know what's wrong with that girl, but, it's a slap in the face to camels all over the planet.
Ron: Those close to Britney say they are very worried and want to bring her home safe. And now back to the local news.
Tracy: [a picture of Butters being dragged towards an animal control truck] The giant squirrel which was picked up last week by animal control apparently now thinks it's a person. Colorado officials have taken the squirrel to Johns-Hopkins for psychiatric evaluation.
Ron: Hm, that squirrel is obviously nuts.
Scene Description: The platform at TransTrak.
Kyle: Platform 4F. Uhhh, it must be on the other side of the station.
Paparazzo: [behind the boys] There she is! It's Britney! [more photographers show up and begin to take pictures]
Stan: Oh no. [he and Kyle quickly whisk Britney away, the photographers hot on their tails. They pass a room whose door is slightly open. Seconds later they return to it, go in, and shut the door]
Stan: Dude, they're never gonna let us through.
Kyle: Yes they are! I have an idea.
Paparazzo 2: Britney? Where'd she go?
Paparazzo 3: There she is! [Kyle appears wearing Britney's disguise. He turns to look at the paparazzi, then runs away. The paparazzi start taking pictures and following him. He runs down the street, the paparazzi pursue him]
Scene Description: Inside the train. Stan leads Britney to a couple of seats by a window. Britney is wearing Kyle's hat
Stan: It's okay, you'll be in the North Pole soon. [Britney gargles something]
Scene Description: The streets. Kyle continues to lead the paparazzi away from Britney and tries to lose them at the same time
Manager: There she is. Hey Britney, it's me. [Kyle ignores him and keeps running. He joins the paparazzi in chasing "Britney" down. Kyle runs through a park; they're right behnd him. Kyle runs into a garden full of statues, stops, and turns around] Britney. It's over. What were you runnin' for anyway?
Reporter: Hey, wait a minute. Where's her camel toe?!
Kyle: [takes off the sunglasses] I'm not Britney Spears, all right?!
Paparazzo 5: Ooo, psych!
Manager: She must be back at the train station; come on! [they turn around and go back]
Kyle: Now, wait a minute! Everyone just stop for one minute! [the group turns around. Kyle drops the sunglasses] Look, you guys are gonna end up killing her. Can't you see that Britney isn't in any condition to handle this crap anymore? I know watching celebrities go down can be fun. Me and my friends are just as guilty as all of you, but maybe, we'll just, maybe, ...it's time to let this one go. Just this one time, let's, let's all stop before it's too late, huh?
Paparazzo 6: [steps forward] Son, you don't seem to understand. Britney Spears... has to die.
Kyle: [quizzically] Huh? [thunder starts rolling in the distance]
Paparazzo 7: What do you think all this effort has been for?
Manager: [a sinister smile crosses his face] It cannot be stopped. The purpose is too great.
Officer: It's not just the press. Everyone agrees. She must... die.
Background Singers: Hetus. Alte omnebus. [the photographers begins to join in] Virtu e poquebus. [other adults join in this nonsensical Latin chant]
Scene Description: The TransTrak train heads north through the Rockies
Narrator: Little Stanley was tired and hungry. But he knew that for Britney Spears to be safe, he had to get her to the North Pole.
Stan: You doing okay, Ms. Spears? [she gargles. From the train's cab, the conductor looks back at Britney and Stan through the cab door's window]
Conductor: [on the phone] It's her. Um no, I'm sure it's Britney Spears; [looks at a photo] it looks just like the picture. [the photo he holds is that of a camel's toe, not of Britney] You want me to, to what? Yes, I understand. [begins chanting] Rectus. Hoc honebus
Scene Description: A small town. A car stops and its passengers empty out: Britney's manager, two cameramen, and Kyle. The manager walks up to an elderly man and shakes hands with him
Elderly Man: Hello, I'm Bob Summers, so happy you picked our little town.
Kyle: What is going on?! Why do you want Britney Spears to die?!
Bob Summers: Well nobody wants her to die, little boy. We all simply... need her to. Do you understand?
Kyle: NO!
Paparazzo 8: Look, kid, throughout history people have found it necessary to engage in... human sacrifice.
Bob Summers: In ancient times, humans would commonly pick one lovely girl, adorn her with jewels, treat her like a goddess, and then... watch her die.
Paparazzo 9: We like to think we're more civilized now, but the truth is our lust for torture and death is no different than it was in gladiator times.
Paparazzo 10: Only difference is that now we like to watch people put to death through magazines and photographs.
Canadian Paparazzo: It's a damn shame too. Old ways were bettah. Used to be we just picked someone by lottery an' then stoned them to death.
Woman: Stonin' to death was too violent. Rather have the sacrifice kill itself.
Kyle: You mean everyone has been wanting Britney Spears to kill herself?
Man: Britney was chosen a long time ago, to be built up and adored, and then sacrificed. For harvest.
Paparazzo 11: All right, everyone's about here.
Kyle: [bewildered] Who's everyone?! Who all is in on this?!
Scene Description: The TransTrak train. Everyone is sleeping when the train comes to a sudden stop and the whistle blows. They wake up.
Male passenger: Hey, where are we? This isn't right. [Stan looks out the window quickly. Outside is an empty field, but a horde of photographers race through it and reach the train, clamoring for her attention and ready to take pictures]
Stan: Oh no!
Britney: Ohhh thoooo!
Stan: [hops down and grabs Britney's hand] Come on, Britney! [pulls her out the opposite side and into the field] Come on, come on! [as they run, Kyle's hat falls away. They reach the end of the field and enter a clearing. They look around and find themselves surrounded. All sorts of people are there, not just paparazzi. The escape route they just used is closed off by more spectators. Stan looks around and some faces are recognizable, like Irene. Sheila and Gerald show up]
Kyle: Mom, Dad! [runs up to them] They're gonna kill her! They're going to in-. Wait, what are you doing here?
Gerald: It's okay, Kyle. Just... be a good boy.
Kyle: Be a good boy? You know all about this?
Stan: Kyle, what the fuck is going on now?
Kyle: She's been built up to be sacrificed, Stan!
Stan: Sacrificed? For what?
Randy: For harvest, Stanley. Same reason we've always done it.
Canadian Paparazzo: Sacrifice in March, corn have plenty starch.
Kyle: Corn harvest!
Randy: We haven't told you about it, Stanley, because we, we like to wait until kids are a little older to talk to them about things like condoms and ritualistic human sacrifice for harvest.
Stan: All right, enough already! This has all gone on long enough!
Manager: The kid is right. This has gone on too long.
Paparazzo 12: Yeah. She was supposed to have killed herself a long time ago.
Farmer: And harvest is coming soon.
Bob Summers: All right, folks, let's finish this quickly. [everyone whips out a camera and starts taking pictures, closing in on Britney all the while]
Stan: No wait. [Britney groans. People get close, take pictures, then make way for more people]
Woman 2: Come on, hurry up.
Woman 3: [obese] I can't run. You go ahead, I'll catch up with ya. [the barrage of picture-taking continues. The McCormicks come up to take pictures. Britney drops to the ground, sort of pleading to be left alone]
Mother: Here Davey. [hands a camera to her son. The barrage continues, with Randy, Liane, other familiar faces... Britney wilts under the lights and finally lies down completely]
Bob Summers: [throws out his arms] Hold on. [a doctor walks up and checks for vital signs]
Doctor: She's dead.
Randy: Well, I think it's time for us to leave the poor girl alone. [everyone turns and goes off in different directions under a windy and thunderous sky. Stan is left alone staring at Britney's corpse. Kyle is a little further away, but he too looks at the corpse]
Scene Description: Harvest time, dawn. The corn fields are shown, their stalks tall and full of corn. Three men are harvesting corn by hand nearby, and a motorized harvester takes care of corn in the distance
Scene Description: The town, late morning. A farmer's market is up. Two men are shown close-up in a booth stocked with yellow and white corn
Gil: Mornin' Bill.
Bill: Mornin' Gil.
Gil: [inspecting some yellow corn] Nice-lookin' corn.
Scene Description: South Park Market, day. Randy and Sharon check out the corn. Sheila passes.
Sheila: Hey Sharon, Randy, great harvest, huh? [begins to check out the corn as well. Sharon puts some corn into her shopping cart]
Randy: An incredible harvest. Some of the best corn I've seen in years.
ET Reporter: [on TV screens throughout the store] She's the daughter of a country singer, and the young girl has really taken the country by storm. Hannah Montana's Miley Cyrus, though only fifteen years old, is already on her way to being a major superstar.
Jimbo: [near the beginning of the report] Hey, check it out! [the report ends and ominous music begins]
Randy: [glued to the screen] Looks like next harvest will be even better. [begins to chant. The other shoppers join in, then Sheila, and finally, Stan and Kyle, who have apparently given up on talking sense to the adults. The image of the ET reporter and Miley stays onscreen]


Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day, Mrs. Garrison's classroom. Mr. Mackey is speaking to the class
Mr. Mackey: M'kay, kids, we have something very serious we need to discuss today, hm'kay? It appears that some kids in school are getting high by choking themselves. Some kids call it "The Choking Game", hm'kay but, but choking yourself is bad. Hm'kay? Don-, don't do that. Hm'kay?
Kyle: You can get high from choking yourself? [Kenny feels for his neck through his hood, then squeezes once he finds it]
Mr. Mackey: Schoolchildren are often experimenting with dangerous ways to get high, hm'kay, like sniffin' glue, guzzlin' cough medicine, huffin' paint, hm'kay? But they're all bad. M'kay?
Butters: Mm-my cousin's in Florida, and said kids in their school get high off of cat pee.
Cartman: Cat pee? [Kenny lets up and then tries to choke himself again]
Stan: That's not true. You can't get high off of cat urine, can you?
Mr. Mackey: Well, it's a it's not actually cat urine, but male cats, when they're marking their territory, uh spread concentrated urine to fend off other male cats and... a-and that could get you really high. M'kay? Re-really reeeally high. Okay? [Kenny is trying really hard to choke himself] Probably shou-shouldn't have told you that just now. Hm'kay? Tha, that was probably bad.
Scene Description: Cartman's house, day. The original four boys are there, gathered around the coffee table on which stands a frame holding a cat in a harness. Cartman is almost done with the cat
Cartman: All right, this should keep my cat in place while he sprays the urine. [Mr. Kitty meows] Yesss, poor Mr. Kitty, are you just so upset right now? [Mr. Kitty meows]
Kyle: You guys are wasting your time.
Stan: Yeah, this is not gonna work.
Cartman: Okay, ready Kenny?
Kenny: (All set.)
Cartman: All right, bring out...! The other male cat. [Kyle walks to a pet carrier, opens the door, pulls out a brown striped cat, and places it on the coffee table opposite Mr. Kitty. The two cats meow at each other first, then growl at each other. After a short while, Mr. Kitty shoots concentrated piss into Kenny's face]
Kenny: (Woah.)
Kyle: Whoa! [Kenny staggers backwards. The other guys gather round him]
Stan: Do you feel anything?
Cartman: Well, Kenny? Are you buzzed? [Kenny's not responding. His mind is elsewhere...]
Scene Description: Kenny's eyes are unfocused as his mind goes into an altered state. He seems to be going through space, then an acid trip, then both. Kenny descends into a Thunderbird fitted with rocket boosters and takes the wheel. He heads towards a desert planet and lands with a thud. He quickly shifts gears and peels away. He drives through the desert landscape until a curvaceous woman steps into his path. He stops. She wears a stylized cowboy hat and skimpy clothes. Kenny motions over and lets her take the wheel. Kenny can't help but look at her breasts. They head towards a huge building with breast-shaped touches all overs. The woman steps out and walks towards the stairs, then enters the building. Kenny quickly follows suit. As they walk through the building a creature stabs another one through the skull, killing him
Kenny: (Hey cool! Check it out!)
Father: I see that you're enticed by my daughter's awesome rocking tits.
Kenny: (Yeahhh!)
Father: Then bathe with my daughter in the fountain of Varnov. Appease the gods by lathering her boobs with soapy suds.
Kenny: (Okay!) [follows her towards the fountain. At the fountain's edge, she undresses, then he begins to undress] (Woop! Woo-hoo!)
Cartman: [through Kenny's hallucination] Kenny! Kenny, wake up! [In the middle of town, Cartman is stopping Kenny from disrobing any further] Wake up, Kenny! You all right? Kenny!
Kenny: (What?) [opens his eyes and looks around] (Where'd she go?) [stands up and pulls up his pants.]
Cartman: Dude, that cat urine really fucked you up. You were seriously tripping balls.
Kenny: (You fucking asshole!)
Cartman: Agh, Kenny! Knock it off! What's wrong with you?
Kenny: [Punching Cartman] (What the fuck did you do that for?)
Cartman: Ah, Kenny! [Stan and Kyle come up to restrain Kenny]
Kyle: Dude! Dude, Kenny, calm down!
Kenny: [walks away from them a bit, mad] (Aww i was so close! You should have seen her titties.)
Stan: What titties?
Kenny: [turns around] (The titties! Oh my god, they were incredible!)
Kyle: Kenny, all you did after the cat peed in your face was start running around in circles cheering.
Stan: Yeah, and then you ran through town screaming and started tearing off all your clothes.
Kenny: (I almost... touched them.)
Kyle: Dude, I don't think we should be messing around with that crap anymore.
Scene Description: The Broflovski house, living room. Gerald walks in, grabs the remote from the sofa, turns on the TV, and sits down to watch
Announcer: Next on FOX News! [SPECIAL REPORT: FOX NEWS] It's the newest drug craze. and it's killing your kids! ["killing your kids" appears over scenes of kids falling over]
Gerald: Killing our kids? [leans forward]
Reporter: All over America, kids are getting high... on cat urine! [two women have their cats face off, and one of them gets concentrated urine on her face. She laughs] Huffing cat urine apparently causes a euphoric state [the affected woman moved her arms up and open, then freezes as her eyes get unfocused] and is also referred to as... cheesing. [Letters cut out into cheese shapes appear: "CHEESING". Cut to the front of J. Brown Elementary School, day.] Why "cheesing"? Because it's "fon to due". [the words appear onscreen. Cut to a girl's silhouette] This sixth grade girl said she's been snorting cat piss for several months.
Girl: [in a deep, electronically-altered voice] We sometimes sneak out during recess and a friend named _________ goes and gets her cats, and we'll just cheese all day long.
Gerald: Oh my God! Sheila! Come look at this!
Reporter: So how can you tell if your child is cheesing? [some graphics begin to appear] 1. Your child seems distant, preoccupied. 2. Your child's face smells like cat urine. 3. When you see tigers at the zoo, your child starts grinding his or her teeth. You might also notice by certain phrases your child says to school friends, such as "Hey, let's go cheese." or "Do you feel like cheesing, guys?" or "Dude, I'm cheesing my F-ing brains out right now."
Sheila: [now standing next to Gerald] Kids are doing this?
Reporter: Kids do it because it's legal. [a teen boy looks at the camera with a fierce face. A skull and crossbones appear over it] What can you do before it's too late? [a picture of a cat switches with its negative for a strobe effect a few times, then ends with the negative and an echoing meow]
Gerald: We have to protect our children from this, Sheila.
Scene Description: Town meeting, next day. On stage are Mr. Mackey, Principal Victoria, Mayor McDaniels, Gerald (at the podium), Sheila, and Officer Barbrady
Gerald: Twenty percent of American students aged six to twelve say they have tried cheesing at least once. Kids also refer to it as "the cheese game", or "vitamin cheese", or "Mary Jane piss in your face fun time". Cheesing is spreading fast.
Sharon: [stands up] All right, we're all sufficiently scared, Gerald, but what could we do?
Gerald: I have written up a bill that would make having a cat illegal in the city of South Park.
Stephen: [stands up] Gerald's right. We all have to face it. Cats are deadly animals! If you stick your nose up their crotch and snort their piss, they can kill you!
Gerald: With my super lawyer powers, we can rid our town of cats, so that our kids can never get high again!
Randy: [stands up again] Let's hear it for Gerald!
Stephen: [stands up again] Hooray for Gerald! [the rest of the audience begins to cheer and argue]
Scene Description: The neighborhood. Black vans arrive and DEA agents jump out of them. The agents enter people's houses and confiscate any cats found there. Some agents take away a small boy's cat. Bebe loses her cat Thumper to a pet carrier. Craig Tucker's sister in her sandbox cries as an agent grabs her cat out of her hands
Tricia: No! No!
Agent 1: Oh wah wah! Get over it, druggie. [walks off with the cat] Jeez... [Two other agents leave another house with a cat]
Man: Goodbye, Scrambles. [his daughter cries into his left pant leg] We'll miss you. [nearby, the cats are tossed into the DEA vans and taken away]
Scene Description: Kenny's house, night. He's about to cheese when two agents break in and confiscate the two cats he has there
Agent 2: Got two here.
Kenny: (Hey! What the fuck are you doing?!)
Agent 1: Sorry, these are illegal.
Kenny: (What?! No! What are you doing?!) [the agents toss the cats into the van] (You fuckers!) [the van drives off.]
Scene Description: Cartman's house. Three agents comb the living room
Cartman: Look, I told you, I had a cat. But I had it put to sleep 'cause it pissed me off. [the agents soon leave, and Cartman walks up to the dim attic with a small book] Shh. Mr. Kitty, you have to live in the attic for now. [drops the book in front of the cat] Here. Write a diary.
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day, hallway. Butters stands around while Cartman and Stan visit their lockers. Kyle walks up to them.
Kyle: Guys, have you seen Kenny?
Stan: Nah, I think Kenny's out sick today.
Kyle: Yeah, and he was out sick yesterday too. Guys... [Cartman and Stan turn to listen] I think Kenny isn't here because he's at home cheesing.
Butters: Aww, come on. Kenny knows how dangerous cheesing is.
Stan: Yeah, and where is he gonna find cats anyway? They've been outlawed.
Cartman: Yeah, who has cats these days? [laughs nervously]
Kyle: Pot's illegal too, but people still manage to find it. Ever since that first time Kenny cheesed, he hasn't been the same. You've all noticed the change in him. I'll bet Kenny's at home cheesing right now.
Scene Description: Kenny's hallucination. He's back in the alternate world, this time riding a giant bird, but the landscape is the same - breast shapes are everywhere. Kenny sees the large-breasted woman from his first trip, but now she's strapped onto a rack and is being whipped by three burly men. These men are mutants with four breasts instead of two, and two more breasts on their shoulders. Kenny lands and hops off the bird, finds a metal spear nearby, and launches it. It strikes the middle mutant man through the neck and out the sternum, killing him. The other two run away. Kenny runs to the woman, and she smiles at him. They both ride on the giant bird, with the woman's boobs resting on Kenny's head
Kenny: (Woohoohoo! Woooohoooo! Woooohoohoo!)
Scene Description: Kenny's house. Kyle, Stan, and Butters stand outside his door. Kyle pounds at the door.
Kyle: Kenny? [pounds three more times]
Stan: Kenny, you home? [Kenny yells some more. Alarmed, the boys open the door and enter the house. They see that Kenny was indeed cheesing. Two cats look back at them.]
Kenny: [really high] (Wooooooohoohoo! Woo! Wazzup? Wazzup?) [one cat runs out]
Kyle: Kenny!
Kenny: [still cheering and making flying motions] (Victory! Ho-Ho! Wooooooo!)
Butters: Whoa boy, he's cheesed out of his mind! [Kenny flutters some more, stops, and passes out, falling to the floor]
Stan, Kyle: Kenny!
Scene Description: Moments later, Kenny is at the dining room table. A lock of his hair peeks out from under his hood. Butters has prepared a cup of coffee and gives it to him. Stan and Kyle stand nearby
Butters: There you go. Well, try some coffee, Ken.
Kenny: [groans]
Kyle: Kenny, we need to have a serious talk.
Kenny: (No we don't, guys.)
Stan: Yes, we do. We're your friends, dude. We're not gonna let you ruin your life.
Kenny: (I'm not ruining my life, okay? Will you guys just back the fuck off?)
Kyle: Look at yourself! You've got to lay off the cheese! [abruptly, Kenny vomits, stops, then vomits again. Some of it gets on Butters' face and shirt.]
Butters: Yeah, that's it little buddy. Just let it out.
Stan: Kenny, I know we're super-cool and everything, but if we ever catch you cheesing again, we're gonna tell on you.
Kenny: [exhausted] (Ugh, okay, okay, I just wanna sleep now.)
Butters: Yeah, he needs some sleepy night-night, doesn't he, buddy?
Kyle: [grabs the other cat as it walks up to him] We've gotta keep this away from him.
Scene Description: Cartman's house, night, Cartman's room. He's asleep. A cat meows and awakens him. The cat meows again
Cartman: [sits up] Mr. Kitty, shhh! [Mr. Kitty meows a 3rd time] Damn it! [gets up and leaves the bed. A small door to the attic opens and Cartman pops in with a candle. Mr. Kitty is nearby] Shhh, Mr. Kitty you have to be quiet, or else they're gonna find you. [Mr. Kitty goes to a window and meows. Cartman follows him to the window] What?! [looks out a half-moon window and sees a cat, it meows] It's the neighbor cat. He hasn't been caught yet. [Mr. Kitty meows] No- no, Mr. Kitty. I know you like Rufus, but he has to fend for himself. [Mr. Kitty meows] I can't hide anymore cats, Mr. Kitty. [crosses his arms] I'm in trouble enough as it is. [Mr. Kitty paws at Cartman] All right, all right, fine. [heads to the attic door and goes downstairs, closing the door behind him]
Scene Description: Cartman's house, outside. Cartman appears around a corner dressed in overcoat and fedora
Cartman: [whispers and motions] All right. Come on, Rufus. Quietly. [two kittens walk up next to Rufus] Oh jeez, no, no, I can't hide you all. [they all look at him sadly, one of them meows] I'm sorry, you'll just have to find somewhere else to- [the cats lower their head further while focusing on Cartman, Cartman starts to have tears in his eyes] Well, I suppose I'll get in just as much trouble for four cats as for two. Come on. [turns and leaves]
Scene Description: Kyle's house, day, Kyle's room. Sheila enters with folded clothes, walks to Kyle's dresser, and starts putting his clothes away. After putting away a pair of briefs she spots a cat hidden between his shirts and his briefs
Sheila: Huh? [removes the clothes hiding the cat] Oh my God... [moments later she's downstairs standing next to Gerald.]
Gerald: Kyle! Kyle, can we talk to you for a minute, please?
Kyle: [walks up to them] Yeah?
Gerald: Kyle, have you been getting high?!
Kyle: [shrugs] No.
Gerald: Then why did your mother find this [holds up a bag of contraband - the cat] in your dresser drawer?!
Kyle: [holds his hands out in denial] All right, look, th-that isn't mine. I'm just holding it for a friend.
Sheila: [pointing] Don't lie to us, Kyle!
Gerald: How long have you been on the cheese?!
Kyle: I'm not cheesing. I've never cheesed once in my life.
Gerald: Get up to your room right now until your mother and I figure out how to deal with this!
Kyle: Dad, will you just listen to me for a second?
Gerald: Now, Kyle!
Kyle: God! [goes upstairs]
Sheila: Gerald, what are we gonna do? Our son is a cat pee addict!
Gerald: First thing is we've gotta dispose of this!
Sheila: What are you gonna do?
Gerald: I'd better just... take it down to the basement for now, m-make sure Kyle can't find it. [heads off]
Scene Description: The basement. The door opens and Gerald enters. He locks the door and goes down a few steps, then looks at the cat.
Gerald: [showing a weakness of some sort] No. No, what am I thinking? I shouldn't do this. [continues down the steps] I've been clean for ten... years. I haven't even been near a cat. [getting dramatic] But then that report said our kids were doing it too, and... and I knew Kyle would have the same sicknesses I used to have... Now a cat is in our home, and it's too tempting. [approaches a contraption similar to the one Cartman made, but this one has a movie projector and screen. He takes the cat out of the bag and straps it into the contraption] I... I'll just do it one more time. [ties the cat's tail to the roof of the contraption's frame so there's no obstruction] One. Last. Time. [unfurls the screen] Then I'll call the police; have them pick up the cat. [moves a large empty box aside] And then I'll never do it again. [kneels down at the table and grabs the projector's trigger] After this one... last... time... [click. The projector begins to roll and a cat appears onscreen. The cat in the harness gets excited and begins to snarl. It finally squirts and Gerald stumbles backward a bit. He walks backward and freezes, his eyes unfocused]
Scene Description: Gerald's hallucination. He enters the same alternate universe Kenny has been in, but he's flying a B-17 bomber called Jewish Princess. He lands on the same desert planet Kenny landed on earlier. He gets off the plane and is greeted by the large-breasted woman
Gerald: I couldn't stay away. Curse your rockin' tits!
Scene Description: Cartman's house, day. The doorbell rings. Cartman rushes to answer it.
Cartman: Who is it?!
Woman: [with a foreign accent] Please! Open the door. [he opens the door, and a middle-aged woman stands before him] They say you are hiding cats.
Cartman: [quickly looks both ways] Hiding cats? [nervously] Why, that would be illegal. [backs into the living room]
Woman: [enters] You don't understand [kneels] My little Nishka, [produces the cat] She has nowhere else to go.
Cartman: Oh oh no no, I cannot possibly take in another.
Woman: But they will find her.
Cartman: I've already taken in the Andersons' cats, and the Willinskys'. There's simply nothinng else I can- [his weakness comes through as the cat gazes at him] Then again... perhaps I could find space for just this one more...
Woman: [hands him Nishka, Cartman takes Nishka and pets her] Oh, you show such kindness in such darkest of times. [begins to sob. Cartman joins her]
Scene Description: Cartman's attic, or secret annex. Cartman opens the door and is about to drop Nishka in when something catches his attention
Cartman: What the hell? [Kenny has somehow found the cats and is squeezing them to get cheesed. His face and parka are covered with concentrated piss. He grabs another cat and cheeses some more] Kenny, get out of here!
Kenny: (Woooooh! Woooooh!) [Kenny dances out of the attic]
Cartman: Aw, crap- Kenny! [Cartman begins to follow him down, but stops temporarily] Bad. Kitties.
Scene Description: Kyle's room, day. He's moping around when the doorbell rings
Kyle: Dad! Somebody's at the front door! [the doorbell rings twice and Kyle goes to his room door] Well am I grounded or not?! [the doorbell rings three times] Ugh. Fine! I'll get it! [leaves his room and opens the front door]
Stan: Dude, we've got a big problem. Cartman says Kenny is really messed up.
Cartman: He's cheesing his fucking balls off, dude.
Kyle: [quizzically] What?
Stan: He apparently got to all the cats Cartman's been hiding in his attic.
Kyle: What are you doing with cats in your attic, fatass?!
Cartman: They're innocent victims in this, Kyle! They have to hide or they'll be put to death! Something you just can't understand! [crosses his arms and looks away. Stan opens his mouth in shock, Kyle looks angrily at Cartman]
Stan: Come on, we've gotta find Kenny before he hurts himself.
Kyle: I can't. My dad grounded me. Wait a minute, where is my dad?
Scene Description: The huge Steamline building the large-breasted woman led Kenny into before. This time, she leads Gerald in.
Gerald: Hey everybody. Good to see you again. [Gerald and the woman head for the fountain. They both start undressing.]
Father: Hold! You cannot yet caress my daughter's awesome boobage!
Gerald: Huh... how come?
Father: There is... another suitor. [Kenny walks into view]
Gerald: What? [sees who it is] Get out of here, kid!
Kenny: (No, fuck you! She's my girl!)
Gerald: You're too young for this stuff!
Father: This must be decided at the Breastriary in Nippopolis! [the woman hides her privates, her father's arm blocks a full view of her breasts]
Scene Description: The Breastriary. It's built like the Colosseum in Rome, but each level has a different design... made of concrete breasts. The interior too is made of breast-shaped pieces, including a magnificent entrance made of ten massive breasts
Father: Now fight for the Loc-Nar trophy! [the camera pans down and left to reveal a golden trophy made of two female statuettes kneeling back to back and holding their arms out. The woman places her breasts on their hands so it looks like the actual trophy is her breasts.]
Scene Description: The Breastriary floor. Kenny and Gerald face off in a joust on giant ostriches - who also have big breasts. Their lances have protective tips made of a giant breast for each lance. The rivals hold their lances up, bring them down, and charge at each other. They knock each other off the ostriches and the crowd roars. The father, emperor of this place, sits down to enjoy the match. Kenny grabs a sword with a hilt made of a pair of breasts. Gerald grabs a breast-shaped shield and a battle ax with a normal blade on one side and a pair of breasts on the other. They are evenly matched, as neither can gain an advantage over the other.
Scene Description: A sand box in a city park, day. Gerald and Kenny are fighting in it, oblivious to the crowd gathering around them. They grunt and punch each other. Kyle, Stan, and Cartman show up and Kyle spots Gerald
Kyle: Dad? Dad! What the hell are you doing?!
Jimbo: They've been goin' at it for a good thirty minutes.
Gerald: She's mine, you little asshole!
Kenny: (Get the fuck off of me!)
Sheila: [arriving] Gerald?!
Scene Description: A news report. A Channel 4 news reporter stands by
Reporter: The key proponent of the cat ban has been charged with cheesing in a public park. Gerald Broflovski is prepared to give a public statement.
Gerald: I would like to address a personal matter: I have let myself down. And I would first like to apologize to my lovely wife.
Sheila: Don't touch me.
Gerald: And to the people of South Park. [a shot of the town square and its citizens] I was wrong, and I can't let cats take the fall anymore. It's our fault. The people who use cats for their sweet urine. [Kenny looks down in shame] We have to learn that cheesing just isn't worth it. Sure, you get to fight in the Breastriary, and swim in the Fountains of Varnov with the Itty Titty Fairies of Mammary Mountain.
Stan: [puzzled] What the hell is he talking about?
Kyle: [eyes closed] I have no idea.
Gerald: And then you fight the Boob Goblin in the Gazongas Cave, and then the girl may thank you for it. But she. Isn't. Real.
Randy: And you never really get a good look at her naked boobs anyway. [Sharon glares at him.]
Gerald: Problem is, the more you go into that world, the more you need to go. Until you start blowing off all the real people who care about you. [Kenny looks down again]
Kenny: (Yeah. I guess so.)
Gerald: Cats aren't the problem. We made cats illegal and and then I cheesed for the first time in ten years. And kids are always gonna find a new way to get high. Like sniffing glue or licking toads, or fermenting feces or huffing paint. You can also look at-
Stephen: [cupping Butters' ears so Butters can't hear anything] Uh okay, that's probably good, Gerald.
Gerald: The point is, I was wrong. Its time to legalize cats! [grins wide, then begins to cheer] Heh yeah! Hooray for Gerald! Hey, let's hear it for Gerald! [crowd remains silent]
Scene Description: South Park, day. The camera drops down and focuses on Scrambles' house. The DEA agents return and gives Scrambles back to his family
Girl 2's father: Scrambles! So good to have you back! You ain't sore at us, are ya? [Scrambles hisses, then scratches the father all over his head. His frightened wife and daughter leave him alone] Ahh! Get him off! [the boys, standing across the street, turn around]
Stan: I'm sure glad that's over with. [the boys turn left and walk away]
Kenny: (Me too.)
Cartman: But you know, we've all learned something, you guys. We can never persecute living beings and force them into hiding. It's wrong. [Kyle stops]
Kyle: [cross] And you don't see any parallel between that and anything else in history?
Cartman: [strokes his chin] Mmmmmmmmmm nope. I have no idea what you're talking about, Kyle.
Stan: You guys! Check it out. [smiles] It's Kenny. [Kenny has crossed the street to reach a flower patch. He picks one out and inhales deeply] Isn't that great? He's just getting high on life.
Kyle: Yeah. [Kenny begins to grab more flowers with gusto to get more of their aroma. The other boys get worried] He's getting... really high on life. [Kenny begins to snort and grabs all the flowers he can, treating them just as he did the cats earlier.]
Cartman: Dude, he's getting super-wasted on life.
Kyle: [runs to Kenny] Kenny! [Stan and Cartman follow. Kenny falls in Kyle's arms, goes into spasms, and then freezes, his eyes unfocused]
Stan: What the hell kind of flowers are those?
Kyle: Kenny? Kenny?!
Scene Description: Kenny is back in the world of his hallucination, back in the modified Thunderbird. He's flying through space with the large-breasted woman at the wheel. Every planet and moon looks like a breast or pair of breasts.
Kenny: [dances in time with the music, then gazes up at the woman's bouncing boobs] (Woo-hoo-hoo!)
Scene Description: The Thunderbird goes into warp and disappears.


Scene Description: The South Park Elementary school gym, day. The students have been called to show up there. Mr. Mackey comes out and stands in front of a big TV and between two bulky tower speakers
Mr. Mackey: Students, quiet please, m'kay? As you may or may not know, today is Canada Appreciation Day.
Cartman: Oh God, I'm bored already.
Mr. Mackey: M'kay, so we've been asked to show you a video from the World Canadian Bureau. Uh start the tape please? [exits right as the tape starts up. A Canadian flag appears onscreen]
WCB President: [appears in his office onscreen] Hello, I am Stephen Abootman, President of the World Canadian Bureau. Do you ever stop to think how important Canada is to the world? Right now, I would like all students of Canadian descent in this school to stand up. [no one moves a muscle until one lone Canadian boy, Ike, stands up.] Just look at all these fine Canadians in your school. See how diverse they are. When you think of Canada, what's the one thing that comes to mind?
Cartman: Gayness! [everyone laughs and looks at Ike, who looks chagrined.]
Stephen Abootman: That's right: spirit! What is it that makes Canada so important?
Craig: Nothing! [everyone laughs harder and looks at Ike.]
Scene Description: Canada, day, a crowd stands in front of a building with G on it.
Stephen Abootman: My fellow Canadians, for too long we have been pushed around, and ridiculed! Yesterday was supposed to be a day of appreciation and understanding! Instead, Canada Appreciation Day was mocked worldwide! [the crowd begins to clamor]
Man 1: [wearing #10] Nobody takes us Canadians seriousleh!
Lumberjack: It's like the world doesn't respect Canada at all, eh?
Stephen Abootman: That's right! And I think it's time for Canada to show the world just how bad things would be without it! Together we can send a message! It's time for Canada ...to strike!
Woman 1: Did you say strike?
Stephen Abootman: Yes! Every Canadian join me! Join together!
Man 2: Canada, on strike.
Man 3: Canada, on strike.
Canadians: [a different crowd shot for each "Canadaaa"] Canadaaa! Canadaaa! Canadaaa! Caaanaaadaaa! Canada on strike! Canada says "No more!" No more neglect! We want respect! That's what we're striking for! All you bureaucrats and corporate cats
Border Guard: Can all just take a hike! [rolls down his window shade]
Canadians: [large crowd] It's Canaada! On Strike! [they whip out their strike signs] Canada on strike! From Vancouver to St. John's [both locations are shown], We raise our middle fingers for you all to sit upon! [a hockey team] And with our fingers up your ass, [workers at The Canadian Maple Syrup Company] you won't be very psyched [workers in the building drop syrup barrels from the upper floors] It's Canada! On Strike! [Mounties march in a circle] And we will not bow a bunch! Our resolve is strong! [A conductor leads a group of singers] We even took three hours to rehearse this striking song! [a trumpeter leans in and toots.] [Pizza Nut] Canada on strike! No matter where you are, [On TV at Café 180] If you are Canadian then you've got to do your part! March out of the halls!
Café 180 patron: [stands up and poses] That's right, suck my Canadian balls! [runs out and poses] It's Canada! On Strike!
Canadians: [the camera zooms out to a view from space of a nation of singing Canadians] It's Canada! Canada! Canada! On Strike! [a lone Canadian laughs somewhere]
Scene Description: The United Nations, day.
Swiss delegate: Ahhh, when you say "Canada is on strike", what exactly do you mean?
Stephen Abootman: What do you think it means?! [pounds the table] We're striking, buddih! No more! That's it! Until we get what we want
French delegate: Who exactly are you to authorize this strike?
Stephen Abootman: I'm Stephen Abootman! Leader of the WGA!
French delegate: The WGA?
Stephen Abootman: [crosses his arms] Yes! The World Canadian Bureau! [the other delegates don't react.]
French delegate: What exactly does Canada want?
Stephen Abootman: We want: more... money!
Aide 1: [with mustache] Yeah! More money!
Japanese delegate: More money from where?
Stephen Abootman: Just more money! You know! Canada doesn't get enough money! Other countries have lots of money; we want, we want some of that money! Hu- how about- the Internet? The Internet makes lots of money! So give us some of that money!
Aide 1: Yeah! Give us Internet money!
British delegate: A Mister A- Abootman, you seem to- not understand how ...global economics works. I think that-
Stephen Abootman: Don't give me that fat-cat fancy lip-wiggling! Are you gonna give Canada more money or not?! [pounds his fist on the table a few times]
British delegate: I'm afraid we can't.
Stephen Abootman: Then you leave Canada no choice. [heads for the doors. His aides open them and he heads out] This strike shall continue! [the aides head out, closing the doors behind them.]
Scene Description: A snowy night in South Park, a shot of Kyle's room through his window. Kyle heads to the front end of his room to look out the window. Out on the sidewalk stands Ike with his own strike sign: "HONK if you support CANADA" Cars pass by without stopping. Kyle suffers for him. A car pulls up and Ike turns to face it
Husband: "Honk if you support Canada" He- hey honey, watch this. [honks twice]
Wife: [looks at him] Oh, we're supporting unions.
Husband: That's right; we're a very progressive couple.
Wife: Yes. [reaches over and honks the horn] Oh, that's fun!
Husband: Well we've done our good deed for the week. I think now I can make love to your anus without making God angry.
Wife: Oh really? Goodie! [they drive off. Ike watches them leave]
Scene Description: Stan's house, day. Stan, Butters, and Cartman are watching TV. Kyle walks in from outside
Kyle: Guys, I'm really worried about my brother.
Cartman: We don't care. *urp*
Kyle: You should care! This strike affects everybody, fatass!
Stan: Sh ush ush, it'sa it's on!
Butters: Yippie!
Announcer: It's the Terrance and Phillip Show. [Terrance and Phillip in] Today's episode: I Fart Huckabees. [Terrance and Phillip are shown dressed in Viking warrior outfits]
Butters: Aww, this one again?!
Stan: God, they've replayed this one like eighty times now!
Terrance: Say Phillip, I just bought this new hybrid car.
Phillip: Oh? Does it run on electricity?
Terrance: [the boys say the line too] No, it uses natural gas. [they do raspberries as Terrance farts on Phillip. Terrance and Phillip laugh]
Phillip: Not as fat as your face!
Butters: Huh, it somehow loses its punch after multiple viewings.
Cartman: God damn it, when are they going to air new Terrance and Phillip shows?!
Kyle: There aren't gonna be new shows! Don't you get it?! Terrance and Phillip are Canadian! We have to get Canada to end this strike!
Stan: It's not a big deal. We can just watch American comedy. ["Terrance and Phillip" disappears and "Family Guy" comes on]
Peter Griffin: You think that's bad? Remember the time I sang "La Cucaracha" for Paul McCartney?
Cartman: [jumps off the couch and runs to the TV] No! NOOO!
Peter Griffin: La Cucaracha- [Cartman turns off the TV and faces his friends]
Cartman: We are NOT... resorting to that!
Scene Description: Striking Canadians, day.
Canadians: We want more! We want more!
Stephen Abootman: One, two, three, four, Canada deserves more (money)! One, two, three, four, Canada deserves more (money)! [Terrance and Phillip walk up to him]
Terrance: Look, buddih, me and Phillip need to go home for a bit.
Stephen Abootman: Go home?! You can't leave the picket line!
Terrance: But this is taking too long, and Phillip is diabetic.
Stephen Abootman: Look, guy, we are to stay strong! If you don't stand with your fellow Canadians, then you are a rat!
Terrance: Don't call me a rat, buddih!
Stephen Abootman: I'm not your buddih, friend!
Phillip: He's not your friend, guy!
Stephen Abootman: I'm not your guy, buddih!
Terrance: He's not your buddih, friend!
Stephen Abootman: I'm not your friend, guy! [all three fall silent, and Stephen goes forward] Don't you two understand anything?! You think striking is a joke?! You think it's something to ridicule?!
Weird Hat Guy: [pops in] Yah, you think this is funnih?
Stephen Abootman: [moves to address the whole crowd] Don't you see that we have to stand together or else we have nothing?!
Aide 1: [runs up with a cell phone] Stephen! Stephen! A call came in from the United States! They want to talk to you aboot ending the strike!
Stephen Abootman: What did I tell you?! I told you we'd get to them sooner or later! [the crowd gets excited and starts chatting] Shh, shh, quiet everyone! Let me handle this. [everyone falls silent as he takes the call] Yes. This is Stephen Abootman, head of the WGA.
Kyle: Uh, hi, we want you to end this strike. [he's calling from his house, with the other boys standing back aways]
Stephen Abootman: Oh you do, huh?! [muffles the phone, then tells the others] They've had enough. They want us to end the strike. [everyone cheers] Quiet, quiet, shh, shh, sh- quiet, quiet! Let me deal with this. [the Canadians fall silent and Stephen returns to the phone] All right, we're prepared to end this strike! If you are agreeing that we should have more monihhh!
Kyle: We totally think you should have more money.
Stephen Abootman: Wwe got 'em! We did it! [jumps up and down with much energy. Everyone cheers. "Great job!"] All right, how much are you gonna give us?
Kyle: Huh? Well we don't really have that much money.
Stephen Abootman: Oh, negotiating hardball, are we?! What about all that Internet money?!
Kyle: The Internet?
Stephen Abootman: You listen to me, friend! [walks away from the crowd so they don't hear him so loudly] You'd better figure out a way to get us our fair amount of money, and until you come back with a solid fair number, I'm finished talking to you, you slimy corporate dickhead! [hangs up, then faces the crowd] Don't worry, don't worry. This is how negotiating works. This is good. We've got 'em by the balls.
Scene Description: Kyle looks at the phone dumbfounded. The other boys walk up
Stan: What'd they say?
Kyle: They said we have to give them money that we make on the Internet.
Cartman: How are we supposed to make money on the Internet?
Butters: Well, how do other people make money on the Internet?
Kyle: We'd have to put something up on the Internet that everyone would find fascinating.
Cartman: [steps up] Wait. I've got it.
Scene Description: A video. Butters is on a stage with bluescreen so it looks like he's actually in a spaceship. He's in his normal clothes, and he begins to dance. To his right rises Spaceman Butters, and to his left rises Pajama Butters.
Butters: I said what what? In the butt I said what what? In the butt I said what what? In the butt [the teddy bear outfit returns] I said what what? In the butt You wanna do it in my butt, in my butt? You wanna do it in my butt, in my butt? You wanna do it in my butt, in my butt? [Stan gives a thumbs-up. Cartman does the same. The video is on YouToob] Let's do it in the butt. O-kay! [from behind a big chocolate heart] It's okay [Butters floating in space] Ih-if you have a little fight [Nelly in her room watches the video] Don't you worry [Butters bites into the heart] I won't bite (Not that hard) [Spaceman Butters] If you want it [a man watches the video] I'll give you power Just be gentle [Flower Butters] I'm delicate like a flower Give it to me, if you please Give it to me, if you please
Nun: Oh my.
Butters: [now in three voices] I said what what? In the butt I said what what? In the butt [wearing black jeans with "what what" on the butt] I said what what? In the butt I said what what? In the butt You wanna do it in my butt, in my butt? You wanna do it in my butt, in my butt? [a naked Butters holds a rose] You wanna do it in my butt, in my butt? Let's do it in the butt. O-kay!
Scene Description: Kyle's room. The boys have been watching the video from there
Cartman: There's more people viewing it!
Stan: This is going great!
Kyle: [walks over to the window] Don't worry, Ike! The strike will be over soon! [Ike is on his back]
Scene Description: Canada, night. The Canadians are beat. Some walk around listlessly, others have facial hair, all have bags under their eyes
Tom: And in other world news, the leader of Japan today is calling for an increase in military spending.
Aide 1: How come they never mention anything about us?! When are they gonna get to the strike?!
Stephen Abootman: Don't worry, the strike is big news. I'm sure it will be one of the top stories.
Tom: In other news tonight, it the Internet video that has already seen over ten million views. A young confused-looking boy dancing and singing a song called "What What (In My Asshole)".
Reporter: [in front of Butters' house] Tom, in just one week the video has become the most watched thing in all of America. [Butters appears at his bedroom window and waves at the camera] The boy in the video, referred to by most as "that little gay kid", [Butters stops and leaves the window] has already been asked to appear on Jimmy Kimmel and The Today Show.
Stephen Abootman: Aw damn it that's not news! What about us?!
Phillip: Look, ah, Stephen, Terrance and I were talking andeh, well it's, it's starting to look like maybe we're not gonna win this thing, you know?
Stephen Abootman: We'll win! We'll just have to stay resilient!
Phillip: Wull, yeah, but everyone is dying of starvation.
Terrance: Yeah, let's give it up, guy.
Stephen Abootman: Don't call me your guy! I'm not your guy, friend!
Terrance: Well I'm not your friend, buddih!
Stephen Abootman: Well I'm not your buddih, guy!
Woman 2: Wait! Here it is! Turn it up! We're on!
Tom: And finally tonight, a new development in the Canada strike. For those of you who don't remember or don't care, Canada has been striking for more money. [the Canadians cheer]
Stephen Abootman: All right! Shh! I told you, I told you, listen, listensh, listen listen listen.
Tom: In a shocking turn of events, it now appears that thousands of people from Denmark are flooding into the United States with hopes of taking the place of the striking Canadians.
Stephen Abootman: What?
Scene Description: An airport. A plane from Denmark is parked on the tarmac and Danish people pour out of it. The Danish have both Canadian and normal features - Canadian bodies and jaws and normal eyes
Female reporter: Do you really think you Danish can replace the Canadians?
Danish man: Well, where we come from it's pretty cold too, ja. We like hockey and nobody really pays any attention to us.
Danish woman: Nobody knows where Denmark is.
Danish man: Right. So when you think about it, we're the Canadians of Europe.
Scene Description: Back in Canada
Stephen Abootman: SCABS! How could you?! [runs up to the TV annd destroys it with one kick]
Scene Description: A lobby, somewhere. DIM, it says. Department of Internet Money. Stan and the boys walk up to the help desk. They look around before Stan steps forward
Stan: Ah, hi. We made a really successful thing on the Internet, and we'd like to collect our money.
Clerk: Take a number and wait with everyone else.
Cartman: Ma'am, perhaps you don't recognize the Internet sensation Little Gay Kid from YouToob.
Clerk: [not taking time out from her work] Take a number and wait with everyone else! [Stan takes a numbered slip from the dispenser and leads the other boys to some seats in a waiting room nearby]
Tay Zonday: [slowly, a little creepily] Chocolate Raaain.
Butters: Aaah. [another man walks up to the boys]
Tron Guy: Hey, I know you. You're the "What What (In My Asshole)" kid.
Butters: [insulted, crosses his arms] "What What (In The Butt)," sir.
Stan: It's Tron Guy. I saw him on YouToob.
Tron Guy: Yeah, sure. All the biggest Internet stars are here. You remember, of course, Numa Numa. [to his right is the Numa Numa guy. He begins dancing to a song]
Numa Numa Guy: Ma-iyahi Ma-iyahu Ma-iyaho, Ma-iyaha ha.
Tron Guy: And the Star Wars kid. [the kid starts to dance around as in his video] And the Internet sensation Cute Sneezing Panda. [as in its video, the mother panda sneezes as soon as her child moves] And there's Dramatic Look Gopher. [the camera pans by a lonely girl and focuses on the gopher, who seems to notice the camera is on him. He quickly turns to face the camera and freezes]
Cartman: Wow, I've seen all you guys on the Internet!
Tay Zonday: [to Butters] So, how many people have seen your Internet video?
Butters: Uhhh a few hundred thousand?
Tay Zonday: Huh, mere peanuts. Chocolate Rain has done gangbusters. Theoretically, I'm a millionaire.
Cartman: Dude, screw you. Your Internet thing was so last year.
Chris Crocker: [jumps in out of nowhere] Leave Chocolate Rain Guy alone! Leave him alohohone! I'm serious! [a phone rings and Kyle digs into his pocket]
Kyle: [finds the phone...] Excuse me. [...leaves his seat and exits the waiting room. Then he takes the call] Hello?
Stephen Abootman: [sitting on a cardboard box] You greedy corporate fat cat. You said you would get us moneh.
Kyle: Wait we're working on it.
Stephen Abootman: [stands and moves forward] You're stalling! Because you think I'll give up. You know that most Canadians are talkin' about giving up the strike already. [coughs away from the phone] You've got me over a barrel and you know it!
Kyle: Sir, we're doing everything we can.
Stephen Abootman: You want me to say it again?! You've got me over a barrel! There, you happy?! You've got me bent over a barrel with my tender ass just waiting to be pulverized by your thrusting manhood! [Kyle stays quiet] Do you realize how stupid I'm going to look if I call off the strike after starting all this?! I won't do it! You hear me, guy?! You're wrong! No matter what happens I will never call of this strike! Even if it means we all. Die.
Kyle: We don't want you to die.
Stephen Abootman: Then you'd better hurry. We don't have much longer. The blood will be on your hands. [slowly hangs up]
Scene Description: Back at the waiting room... Kyle returns
Kyle: We have to speed this up! [to Chocolate Rain Guy] Uh, can we collect our Internet money in front of you, please?
Tay Zonday: I don't think so. Nothing takes priority over Chocolate Rain.
Star Wars Kid: Oh, here he goes with the ego again. Who crowned you the top Internet star?!
Tay Zonday: I did. When I became bigger than all you bitches.
Tron Guy: Oh please, Laughing Baby had four times as many views as you! [the baby begins to laugh and laugh...]
Tay Zonday: You'd better shut your fuckin' mouth, Laughin' Baby!
Afro Ninja: Did you all forget about Afro Ninja? My Internet thing was bigger than anybody's. I made over a hundred million theoretical dollars.
Star Wars Kid: Well Sneezing Panda is theoretically worth billions!
Tay Zonday: You all wanna motherfuckin' die?! [whips out a Glock and cocks it]
Chris Crocker: NOOO! [grabs the gun and tries to wrestle it from Chocolate Rain Guy]
Scene Description: A battle royal begins. Tron Guy whips out a frisbee and chucks it at Numa Numa. It hits Numa Numa's left cheek
Numa Numa Guy: Haw!
Scene Description: Afro Ninja fights the Star Wars Kid, Numa Numa fights Tron Guy, Chris Crocker fights Chocolate Rain Guy. Afro Ninja knocks Star Wars Guy away with his nunchucks, then tries a back flip and falls on his face. He gets up groggily and stumbles away. The baby laughs some more
Kyle: Okay, forget it. We'll wait our turn.
Tron Guy: Hai Hayaaa!
Numa Numa Guy: Ma-iyahi Ma-iyahu Ma-iyah- [kicks Tron Guy in the balls, then lands a left hook on his face]
Chris Crocker: [jumps in to separate the two men] Leave Tron Guy alone! Leave him alone! [the baby continues laughing. Chocolate Rain Guy grabs Chris Crocker by the hair and drags him around. Chris is screaming]
Tay Zonday: Get ready for some chocolate pain, bitch! [aims his right at Chris' head. Chris quickly bites Chocolate Rain Guy's right leg, making him drop the gun. The mother panda mauls Numa Numa, Tron Guy throws his frisbee again, and Chris Crocker jumps in again]
Chris Crocker: Leave the panda alone! Leave her alone, I'm serious! [the mother panda stands on her hind legs and just swats Chris out of view, killing him. Chocolate Rain Guy reaches for his fallen gun, turns around, and kills Star Wars Kid with two shots. The mother panda mauls Tron Guy to death, and Chocolate Rain Guy kills the panda with four shots. He then aims at the gopher]
Tay Zonday: Thought I forgot about you, Gopher?! [the gopher, who's facing away from him, suddenly turns its head to him, looking at him intently] Ughhh, my brains. [his head swells up and explodes. His body staggers for a few seconds, then falls to the side. One last bullet leaves his gun and blows the gopher's head off. Anyone who was involved in the battle is gone]
Cartman: Sweet. I think we're next in line now.
Scene Description: Kyle's house, day. Ike is still on the front lawn, still on his back. He blinks
Scene Description: Canada, day. Everyone there is now tired out. Some have died, as they have X's where their eyes should be. The camera moves forward to the G (for Government) building, then flies up the side until it reaches Mr. Abootman's office. Mr. Abootman looks out the window at the crowd beneath him
Aide 1: [opens the office door] Stephen!, Stephen! They're here! They've come to negotiate!
Stephen Abootman: [turns around] What?! You mean it?! [Kyle and friends walk in]
Kyle: Okay, we did it.
Stephen Abootman: Who the hell are you?
Stan: We're the ones you told to get Internet money.
Kyle: Here. [hands Mr. Abootman the money] We made ten million theoretical dollars. It's all for you. [Mr. Abootman takes the check and looks at it]
Stephen Abootman: Theoretical dollars? What am I supposed to do with that?! [turns away] You little timewasters!
Stan: Hey, we worked really hard to get this theoretical money!
Kyle: Yeah. Everyone thinks I'm a homo now.
Cartman: ...You are a homo, Butters.
Kyle: Dude, will you just end this thing now?! My little brother is gonna die!
Stephen Abootman: Nooooo! I'm not gonna look like an idiot! If I fucked up and led everyone astray, the last thing I'm going to do and admit it! [the phone rings and he turns to answer it] Yes, this is the head of the WGA. The World Canadian Bureau.
Scene Description: The UN, day. A conference call - the leaders talk to Mr. Abootman over a speakerphone
Swiss delegate: Ah, Mr. Abootman. It's the global world summit leaders. We want to talk to you about the strike.
Stephen Abootman: You... You do? You wanna negotiate?!
French delegate: No, actually we were just wondering if, when you're all dead, we can use Newfoundland for a new global theme park. [Mr. Abootman drops the phone and begins to weep. He walks away with his hands over his eyes]
Kyle: [picks up the phone] Hello? Will you just give this guy something, please?!
Swiss delegate: Excuse me?
Kyle: [Mr. Abootman leans on the door, crying] He just doesn't wanna look like an idiot, so he wants everyone to think the strike was for something. Just, just give him anything!
French delegate: Well, we could give Canada some small consolation prize
Kyle: If they give you something small, will you end the strike?
Stephen Abootman: Will they... act like they're giving Canada a lot so everyone thinks I did a good job?
Kyle: Can you act like you're giving him a lot?
Swiss delegate: Sure, why not?
Scene Description: Canada, moments later. Mr. Abootman steps outside to the podium and makes an announcement
Stephen Abootman: We have won! [no one reacts: they're all too tired to]
Lumberjack: Well how much did we get?
Stephen Abootman: Well, we uh, we didn't get everything that we wanted, but... we negotiated hard and... we got these... [holds up some coupons] coupons to Bennigan's! And... [holds up a bag of sweets] free bubblegum... for every Canadian. [his aide steps forward and claps really fast. Other Canadians begin to clap their hands] These coupons entitle every Canadian to a free meal at Bennigan's. With the purchase of a meal at equal or greater value, of course.
Aide 1: We did it! [aide 2 steps forward and claps really fast. Other Canadians begin to clap their hands]
Stephen Abootman: My friends. This is the greatest victory in Canadian history. [headlines follow: The Canuck Reporter has "Canada Wins The Strike". Canadiety has "Strike over! Canada Victorious!". Canada Today has "Strike Victory Party Set For Next Week".]
Scene Description: South Park, Kyle's house, front lawn, day. Ike is still half-buried in the snow. A taxi pulls up to the curb and lets the boys out
Kyle: Ike. Ike! [Ike wakes up] It's over.
Ike: [stands up] It's over?
Kyle: Yeah. Here you go. [hands him a Bennigan's coupon and a gumdrop. Kyle and the others head indoors]
Stan: Boy, I'm sure glad that's over with.
Butters: Me too!
Kyle: Yeah, but you know, I learned something today. We thought we could make money on the Internet. But, while the Internet is new and exciting for creative people, it hasn't matured as a distribution mechanism to the extent that one should trade real and immediate opportunities for income for the promise of future online revenue. It will be a few years before digital distribution of media on the Internet can be monetized to the extent that necessitates content producers to forgo their fair value in more traditional media.
Stan: ...Yeah.
Scene Description: Canada, the Victory Party. Kool & The Gang's "Celebration". Everyone is just standing around. The camera pans from left to right. Mr. Abootman and his aides appear. They're all dancing
Stephen Abootman: Yeah, we did it! Celebrate, everyone! Woohoo! [the reason for everyone standing around is shown: a memorial wall on one side of the room has pictures of everyone who died during the strike. Mourners walk up with bouquets and drop them off at the table in front of the wall.]
Terrance: Hold on a minute! Wait just a second! [the music stops as Terrance holds out a calculator] We just did some calculating! By NOT working during the strike, Canadians lost more than 10.4 million dollars!
Phillip: And our Bennigan's coupons and bubble gum is worth roughly... three thousand and eight dollars!
Stephen Abootman: Don't look at that. Come on, friends, let's dance.
Phillip: You had no idea what you were doing and now you're trying to make it look like you won so that we won't set you adrift!
Stephen Abootman: Damn it friends, don't you see? We won for future Canadians, guy. So the little guy doesn't get pushed around anymore. This was a victory for Canada's respect. [Terrance and Phillip don't believe what they're hearing]
Scene Description: The shore of a lake. A man picks away at a block of ice. Two other men come and push it away. On it are Stephen Abootman and his aides
Stephen Abootman: Eh?! What do you think you're doing?!
Terrance: We're setting you adrift, idiot!
Phillip: Maybe you can go live with the Danish!
Stephen Abootman: You'll regret this day, friend!
Phillip: I'm not your friend, buddih!
Stephen Abootman: I'm not your buddih, guy!
Terrance: He's not your guy, friend!
Stephen Abootman: [loud and drawn out] I'm not your friend, buddih!
Terrance & Phillip: We're not your buddih, guy!
Stephen Abootman: [now far away] I'm not your guy, friend!