Scene Description: Mrs. Garrison's classroom. She's seated behind the desk, crying and pulling out tissue after tissue, baring her soul to the class.
Mrs. Garrison: It's like, my whole life has just been one big screw-up, you know? [wipes away tears, then throws the tissue away] I admit it, I was I was sexually lost. I was, and then I see this person on Oprah. She was a woman but then she got a sex change, became a man, but... then she got pregnant and is having a baby, which means she's still a woman all along. That means I'm really still a man, I'm... I still feel like a man
Butters: Are we gonna get tested on this?
Mrs. Garrison: This sex change was a big mistake, okay? [blows her nose] I was on a lot of painkillers at the time and I thought it was what I wanted.
Stan: [to Kyle] Dude, wanna do some math problems?
Mrs. Garrison: [tosses another tissue away, grabs another one] And then, I go to the doctor, right? And I say "Doctor, I wanna go back to being a man," and he says "There's been too much damage. You can't go back. Where are you going to find a penis?" [gets up, and his chair topples over] Whattaya mean, where am I gonna find a penis?! [throws a bust] I'm a man! I deserve a God damned penis! [throws some tissues, some books, and an apple towards the class. Stan closes his eyes shut so nothing gets in them. Mrs. Garrison grabs her chair and crashes it through a window. Then he punches the wall, knocks the metal drawers over, and kicks the desk, grunting all the while]
Principal Victoria: [not seen] Mr. Gar- Mr. Garrison! [he stops and looks up. He sees Mr. Mackey and Principal Victoria, her arms crossed, at the door] Could we speak with you please?
Mrs. Garrison: [walks out of the classroom still sniffling] What do you want? I'm trying to teach.
Mr. Mackey: Uh, we think it's best you not teach until you get your personal life in order, m'kay? [Principal Victoria walks into the classroom and closes the door]
Mrs. Garrison: Ohhh it's so easy for you, Mackey! You have a penis! [walks away in a huff]
Principal Victoria: Ooookay students, um, obviously we've had a little emergency with your teacher, so uh, while we deal with this, we need one of you to lead the class and review for tomorrow's quiz.
Cartman: [raises his hand] Oh! Me me, me. Me! Me me! Me! Right here! Right here right here.
Principal Victoria: Uhh, who, who else would like to be teacher for the day? Anybody else? [no one else volunteers. Cartman stands on his chair and raises his left arm high]
Cartman: Principal Victoria. Right over here. Nnnnnh!
Principal Victoria: Any other volunteers, perhaps?
Cartman: [now on his desk and stretching that left arm up higher] Rrrrrrr! Principal Victoria. Principal.
Principal Victoria: All right, all right, fine. Eric, you lead the class.
Cartman: Yes! [walks up next to Garrison's desk]
Principal Victoria: Now, just lead a review over whatever Mr. Garrison's been teaching you, and I'll be back to check on you shortly. [leaves the classroom and closes the door.]
Cartman: [turns to the board and walks up to it. He grabs the wooden pointer and smacks it softly against his left palm] Well well well. Who's teacher now? [whips it against the floor] Yeahhh. Who's teacher?!
Kyle: You're not the teacher, fatass.
Cartman: That's Mr. Cartman now, Kyle! And you will be wise not to interrupt my class unless you want to be suspended! [whips the pointer against the floor] Yeahhh. [whips the pointer against the floor again] Mmm yeah, you like that? [Kyle just rolls his eyes] All right, Clyde, you're first! Get up here! [whips the pointer against the floor again] Yeah, you're gonna take it, Clyde. [waves the pointer around a little and follows it with his eyes.]
Scene Description: Mrs. Garrison's house, day. She's laying on her sofa with her tissues, crying.
News Anchor: And so it appears that the local farmer's market could be soon facing complete closure. In other news tonight, a South Park bio company is coming under fire for genetically engineering body parts onto laboratory mice. This picture of a mouse [a picture of a mouse with a human ear growing on its back] genetically altered to grow a human ear has already sparked waves of protest.
Mrs. Garrison: [now attentive] What?
News Anchor: But the scientists say the process could help thousands of people who've become disfigured and need ears or noses.
Mrs. Garrison: Holy Freaking Jesus.
Scene Description: Research Group Laboratories, day. "Tomorrow's Fortune is Today".
Scene Description: Research Group Laboratories, inside. Researchers move around. One of them is talking to Mrs. Garrison
Researcher 1: Using common genetics and cartilage scaffolding, we can graft almost any body part onto a mouse and allow it to develop. Here's the mouse you saw on television. [Mrs. Garrison looks at the mouse] Once the ear fully forms, it can be transplanted onto a person.
Mrs. Garrison: Doctor, what about a penis?
Researcher 1: Well, a penis is something a man puts into a woman's vagina.
Mrs. Garrison: No, no. If I gave you some of my DNA, could you grow a penis on a mouse for me?
Researcher 1: You don't understand: doing this stuff is very expensive. And we've never tried a penis before; there's no guarantee it would work.
Mrs. Garrison: I will give you all the money I have to just try. Please. Doctor, I'm a man trapped in a woman's body. I need a penis.
Researcher 1: All right. [Mrs. Garrison grins] All right, let's see what we can do.
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day, Principal Victoria's office. Mr. Mackey is there, as well as two school officials
Principal Victoria: Eric, we've called you in to commend you for your role as student teacher.
Cartman: Ey! Don't commend me! It's the students' fault for being so stupid!
Mr. Mackey: Uh, "commend" means you've done a great job, Eric. Hm'kay?
Principal Victoria: [looks through some papers] After leading your class through review, your schoolmates scored higher than they ever had on their tests. Whatever you did really worked on them.
Cartman: [at ease] Oh, well, thank you. I believe strict discipline along with compassion for my students is catamite to their learning.
Principal Victoria: These gentlemen from the Denver County School Board have something they want to ask you.
Board Rep 1: [a black man] Young man, word of your success as a student teacher has started the whole board thinking. We would like you to try your methods on one of our inner-city school classes.
Board Rep 2: [a white man] These kids just won't listen to any adult teachers and, since you handled your class so well, how would you like to give it a shot?
Cartman: That sounds like a chance to really make an impact on some students who need it most. How much will you pay me?
Scene Description: The neighborhood bus stop. The bus pulls up and opens its doors. The boys walk out and turn right
Cartman: Three hundred bucks! Did you hear what I said, you guys?! My awesome teaching skill is gonna earn me three. Hundred. Bucks.
Kyle: You're not an awesome teacher!
Cartman: Whatever. The whole class scored super-high on the test.
Kyle: The only reason we scored high was because we took the answers out of Garrison's desk! And you know it!
Cartman: Yes, but whose idea was it to take the answers out of Garrison's desk?
Kyle: Kenny's!
Kenny: (Yeah, that was my idea.)
Cartman: Oh yeah. But whatever, I'm gonna go teach those underprivileged inner-city students and really turns their lives around.
Kyle: Do you know what those kids are going to do to you?! A little middle-class white boy telling them what to do? They are going to fucking murder you! [walks away. Stan and Kenny follow. Cartman is scared, then he starts thinking]
Cartman: Maybe he's right. I'd better be careful how I look.
Scene Description: Cartman's bathroom. He's standing on a stool checking himself out on the vanity's mirror. He whips out a partable hair trimmer and raises it to his hairline. He shaves his head down the middle...
Scene Description: Jon Davis High School, day. Urban music plays as the establishing scenes go by. There are security scanners at the front door which all students pass through, and two security guards to go through their belongings if the students set off the scanners. The kids at this school are doing anything but studying: fighting, making out, smoking, throwing paper wads at each other...
Scene Description: A classroom. The students there are quite rowdy
Principal: [enters] Students, quiet! Quiet please! [a wad of paper goes her way and hits] Give me your attention!
Teen boy 1: I'll give you my attention. All night long, Mrs. Miller. [the class laughs]
Mrs. Miller: [the principal] You're on thin ice, Rodriguez! Now listen up! The Denver County School Board has sent over a special guest teacher.
Class: Ohhhhhhhhhhh.
Mrs. Miller: This may be your last shot at graduating from high school at all! I want you to welcome... Eric Cartmanez
Cartman: [dressed as Jaime Escalante] Hello students. I'm Eric Cartmanez. [holds up his left thumb] Your new teacher.
Teen boy 2: What the hell is thiiis?
Cartman: I am here... to teach you calculuuus.
Scene Description: Research Group Laboratories, day. "Tomorrow's Fortune is Today".
Scene Description: Research Group Laboratories, inside. Researchers move around. One of them is talking to Mrs. Garrison
Researcher 1: Iii think you're going to be very pleased with the progress, Ms. Garrison.
Mrs. Garrison: Mr. Garrison! [they approach an incubator]
Researcher 1: Sorry, Mister Garrison. Your DNA has replicated and grafted very successfully with the mouse. And so... here's your penis. [Mr. Garrison gazes into the incubator. A mouse is wrapped in gauze all over, and a penis is riding on its back]
Mrs. Garrison: Wow! My penis looks great!
Researcher 1: Yes. It's a fantastic penis. Congratulations.
Mrs. Garrison: How long before it's ready?
Researcher 1: Welll, it still has some forming to do, but fairly soon.
Mrs. Garrison: Let me see if it feels right in my hand. [opens the incubator door and reaches in...]
Researcher 1: No! Don't open the- [the mouse escapes]
Mrs. Garrison: Whoa no!
Researcher 2: Don't let it get out of the lab! [the mouse reaches the entrance and escapes when an unsuspecting researcher opens the door from outside]
Mrs. Garrison: Mah penis! [gives chase, and some researchers join him] Stop, penis! Come back here!
Scene Description: The classroom at Jim Davis High. Cartman hands out syllabi
Cartman: Okay, everyone take a sillibus and pass it to the amigo behind youuu.
Teen boy 3: Hey man, what the hell do you think you're doing?!
Teen boy 4: Yeahhhh.
Cartman: Mr. Cartmanez is here to make sure you all get into collehhhge
Teen boy 5: Getting into college? Maaan, we ain't gettin' in no college! Fuck you! [the rest of the class voice their protests as well. Cartman turns his back to them and looks down]
Cartman: How do I reach these keeds? [faces the class, his left hand tucked under the left pant pocket] The reason that you think you can't get into college is because you haven't been taught... how to cheat properly! How do you think white people always get ahead? Because we cheat all the time- I mean because they cheat all the time. [holds up a picture] This is Bill Beelichick, coach of the New England Patriots He's won three Super Bowls. How? He cheated. He even got caught cheating, and nobody cared. Bill Beelichick proved that in America it's okay to cheat. As long as you cheat your way to the top.
Teen Girl 1: Hey, I don't wanna be called a cheater!
Cartman: No no. If you cheat and fail, you're a cheater. If you cheat and succeed, you're savvyyy.
Teen boy 6: This is bullshit. I don't wanna waste my time learning to cheat.
Cartman: Go ahead, the door's right there. [turns left] Bye-bye, have fun, we will miss youuu. [the boy walks to the door and leaves. Cartman turns away from the class and sighs, dropping the photo] How do I reach these keeds?
Scene Description: The community park. The boys are playing in the sand box, making a sand castle. They've brought their toy trucks along. Both Butters and Kenny are present. Mr. Garrison sees them and runs towards them.
Mrs. Garrison: Boys! Boys, have you seen my penis? [the boys can't figure out what he's talking about.]
Kyle: What?
Mrs. Garrison: My penis is on the loose! If you see it, just try to catch it with some cheese. [runs off]
Butters: [rubbing his temples] Ow. That hurt my brains. [the pain gets worse] Oww.
Scene Description: Jim Davis High, another smoggy day. The boy who walked out of class is playing basketball alone in the school yard. He shoots and misses, and goes for the ball, but it rolls towards Cartman, who picks it up.
Cartman: Nice form, compadre. [walks towards the basket with the ball]
Teen boy 6: Hey, I walked out of your class, teacher. Look, I don't wanna argue with you about the merits of cheating.
Cartman: Who wants to argue on a nice day like theees? How about a little pickup game? [whistles] Hey paisanoo, can you keep score for us? [a scoreboard is shown, and a boy on the platform looks over at him]
Teen boy 7: Sure thing, Mr. C.
Cartman: [gets into position] Okay, you start on defense, amigo. [dribbles the ball for a few seconds, then whacks the boy on the right shin with a collapsible pointer]
Teen boy 6: [falls down and grabs his right leg] AAAAH! [Cartman continues towards the basket and scores. The score is now 1-0 Visitors]
Cartman: Ohoooh, that's one to nothing, amigo!
Teen boy 6: You cheated!
Cartman: What's the score, ese? Okay, let's go, your turn. [the boy is on offense. He dribbles for a few seconds and moves to the basket, but Cartman again takes out his pointer and whacks the boy's left shin. The boy falls again, and Cartman steals the ball and scores again. The boy at the scoreboard updates the score: 2-0 Visitors] That's two to nothing, amigoo. [his opponent stands up]
Teen boy 6: Fuck you, man, you can't do that!
Cartman: Look at the scoreboard, amigo. No matter how many times you say I cheated, the scoreboard says two, nothing. [throws the ball back at the boy]
Teen boy 6: I know what you're trying to say, but I still don't agree with it. [throws the ball away and limps off]
Cartman: Two to nothing, ese! Two to nothing! [sighs] How do I reach these keeds?
Scene Description: Butters' house, day. Linda is washing dishes when she hears something squeak.
Linda: What is that? [turns around and looks. The modified mouse runs across the kitchen floor; she screams and hops onto a footstool, then lifts up her skirt] Eeeek! Eeeek! [the mouse runs across the floor again, in the opposite direction] Eeeek! Eeeek! [hops off and runs to the living room entrance] Stephen! Stephen come quick!
Stephen: [reading the paper with a pipe in his hand] What is it, dear?
Linda: A penis is loose in our kitchen!
Stephen: A penis?
Linda: Yes! It just ran across the floor!
Stephen: Now darling, calm down.
Linda: Calm down nothing! I don't want that penis running through my house!
Stephen: Hoh, women. Always afraid of penises. [Butters smiles. Stephen gets up from his armchair and walks to the kitchen. Butters joins him. The mouse runs across the floor again]
Linda: There! There, you see it?
Stephen: Oh, it's just a little penis, darling.
Linda: I don't care. It's probably got all kinds of diseases. [the mouse runs across the floor again]
Butters: Hey wait! I think that's teacher's penis!
Stephen: Your teacher's penis?
Butters: Yeah, that must be his.
Stephen: Butters, how do you know what your teacher's penis looks like?
Butters: [didn't quite get it until...] Huh?
Scene Description: Jim Davis High School, day
Cartman: Today we will discuss one of the fundamental ways to cheat: getting material ahead of time. [hops onto a box so he could write on the chalkboard. He draws a video camera aimed at a box marked D] When Bill Beelichick cheated for the Patriots, what did he do? He videotaped the opposing team's defense. Think of the defense as your test. When taking a test you must also videotape the defense. Learn what's on the test before they give it to you. And that way you can- [the errant student returns]
Teen boy 6: I thought that... well maybe I can give cheating a try.
Cartman: Have a seat, amigo. Good to have you baaack. [the student takes his seat] All right. Now, when Bill Beelichick got caught with his camera, he did not panic. He simply said what every good white cheater says when caught: "I mis-interpreted the rules." It's what you must also say when caught cheating! "I mis-interpreted the rules." Say it with me.
Class: "I mis-interpreted the rules."
Cartman: Good. Again.
Class: "I mis-interpreted the rules."
Cartman: Again!
Class: "I mis-interpreted the rules."
Cartman: Now you sound like white people!
Class: [now with pounding fists] "I mis-interpreted the rules!"
Scene Description: South Park Supermarket. Stephen and Butters have finished shopping and are packing the groceries into their car. Mr. Garrison is talking to them
Mrs. Garrison: What the hell do you mean you just put my penis outside?! Why didn't you call me?!
Stephen: Look Garrison, my wife didn't want a penis in the house. I had to get it out.
Mrs. Garrison: Well now how am I supposed to find it?! It could be anywhere!
A woman: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK! [the three guys look up]
Mrs. Garrison: Holy Crap! [takes off after the sound.]
Scene Description: The Komfort Inn. The screaming woman stands on a box while her husband looks at her annoyed
Woman: Eeeek! Eeeeeek!
Husband: Carole, get down from there!
Woman: Noo! Didn't you see that penis just now?! Eeeek!
Husband: I'm sure that penis is way more scared of you than you are of it.
Mrs. Garrison: [pops into view] You saw a penis?!
Woman 2: [inside the Inn] Eeeeeeeek! [Mrs. Garrison rushes in]
Scene Description: The Komfort Inn Fitness Room. Mrs. Garrison finds the woman standing on a chair with her legs crossed
Woman 2: Oh, it's so big and disguuusting. Eeek. [the mouse runs across the floor and Mrs. Garrison gives chase. The penis-mouse runs down the hall and into a steam room]
Mrs. Garrison: [runs down the hall] Come back here, penis! [enters the steam room and looks around] There you are! Got you! [backs out of the steam room holding a penis... which is attached to a man. Garrison looks at the penis more closely, then at the man's face] Hey, you're not my penis. [the man punches her across the face] Ogh! [the penis-mouse runs out. Garrison lets go and gives chase again] There it goes! Stop you!
Scene Description: Cartmanez' class. He's giving the class the answers for the upcoming test
Cartman: The answer to #27 is 5.
Class: [repeating] The answer to #27 is 5.
Cartman: The answer to #28 is 14.
Class: "The answer to #28 is 14."
Teen Girl 2: Man, what's the point? [grabs her books and heads for the door] What's the point of any of this? [cries and exits]
Cartman: All right, uh, everyone review the section on sportscasters forgiving the Patriots for cheating and saying it was no big deal; I'll be right back. [leaves the classroom and looks around for the girl] Melita! Melita, hold on. [walks up to her] You can't quit now. Come on, what's wrong with you?
Melita: There isn't any point to all this. I won't be going to college. I'm pregnant, all right? I just found out, and Eduardo isn't going to help me raise it.
Cartman: [sighs] How do I reach these keeds? [turns around and faces her] All right, let's go get you an abortion.
Melita: No. I'm Catholic. I think abortion is wrong.
Cartman: Abortion isn't wrong! What's the one thing I've been teaching you?
Melita: That cheating is good?
Cartman: Yes! And abortion is the ultimate form of chea-ting! You're chea-ting nature itself. [Melita turns right and walks off a bit] Why do rich white girls get ahead in life? Because they get abortionnns when they're young. They get pregnant, but they still want to go to college, so, whatever, they just cheat. They cheat that little critter in their belly right out of a chance at life.
Melita: I don't know, Mr. C.
Cartman: Mexicans are told not to cheat. "Don't cheat! You got pregnant? You have to raise the child." So then you have to raise the child while the white girls get to go to college and probably have a bunch more abortionnns. [walks around to face her] It is at our most challenging times that we must cheat... our very hardest.
Scene Description: Park County Police Station, day. Mr. Garrison files a police report
Sgt. Yates: [taking notes] And the last time you saw your penis was two days ago? [a police sketch artist works on a portrait]
Mrs. Garrison: That's right.
Officer Harris: Long whiskers or short?
Mrs. Garrison: Short, and little fluffy ears.
Officer Harris: Fluffy ears, okay.
Mrs. Garrison: Think you got it, Mitch?
Mitch Harris: I think so, sir. Is this pretty close? [shows his sketch to Garrison: it's Mickey Mouse with a giant boner under his shorts]
Mrs. Garrison: [disappointed] No, no, not like that! That's just silly. [an officer walks into view]
Officer: Sir, we might wanna get a unit down to the Italian restaurant on Kentner.
Sgt. Yates: What is it?
Officer: Call just came through. Seems a penis broke in and tried to eat their cheese.
Mrs. Garrison: Wall come on! [runs out. The two other officers follow him]
Scene Description: Buca de Faggoncini Italian Restaurant, night. Diners are eating their meals, and a small penis-mouse appears on the floor
Woman 2: [quickly jumps onto her chair and lifts up her skirt] EEK!
Man 2: [looks around] What's the matter?
Woman 2: A penis!
Woman 3: [quickly jumps onto her table and lifts up her skirt] A penis? Where?
Woman 4: There it is! [quickly jumps onto the table at her booth and lifts up her skirt] Eek! [the other women at the restaurant do the same thing, and soon all you hear are "Eek, a penis!"]
Mrs. Garrison: [enters the restaurant followed by the three officers] Where is it?!
Mitch Harris: Look, there! [points to the mouse as it heads to the kitchen. A waiter doesn't notice the mouse passing by him]
Mrs. Garrison: Come on! [he and the officers run to the kitchen]
Chef: What'sa that peenis doing ina myii kitchen? [wields a rolling pin]
Mrs. Garrison: [entering with the cops] Huy! Don't you dare kill my penis! [the mouse leaves through an open window] Crap! We've gotta go back around!
Scene Description: Outside. The penis-mouse climbs along items behind the restaurant and runs along the top of a wooden fence. The camera follows it past the moon in the distance. The mouse stops and looks at the moon
Mouse: Someone somewhere is loving me tonightLooking at the same moon and seeing it so bright.
Penis: Someone somewhere is feelin' my despair
Mouse: Feelin' my despair
Penis: And this same moon is
Penis, Mouse: [together] making them think of that-.
Mrs. Garrison: There it is! [the mouse runs away. Garrison gives chase again, with the cops and the chef joining him. The mouse runs to the sewer and drops in] No! Nooo! [dives after it, but can't reach far enough in to get it] No! No!
Mitch Harris: There's not a chance now.
Mrs. Garrison: No we, we can find it! [looks intensely down through the grate]
Sgt. Yates: Sorry Garrison, your penis is gone. Afraid there's nothing more we can do. You'll just have to live with being a woman. A very ugly one. Come on, men. [they leave. Garrison stands up, beat]
Scene Description: Cartmanez's classroom. Mrs. Miller and Cartman stand before the class.
Mrs. Miller: Students, I want to congratulate you on your amazing test scores. The school board is so impressed with your progress that they are going to let you take the standardized advanced placement test for college credit. [a quick cheer goes up] The test is going to be heavily monitored in a private room at their location to assure that there can be absolutely no cheating.
Cartman: Uh what?
Mrs. Miller: The test will be tomorrow. Make us proud. [turns right and leaves the classroom]
Teen boy 8: Monitor us in a private room?
Teen boy 3: Now they're gonna know we've been cheating all along.
Teen boy 2: I knew it man! You made us believe in your way and now it's all for nawthing!
Cartman: Ih it's not for nothing. Ih, if you're good enough, you can cheat right in front of them.
Teen boy 8: [stands up] Shut up, man! You reyally screwed us all!
Cartman: How do I reeeach these keeeeds?! [the boy, cowed, slips back into his seat. Cartman faces the board] Just before the last Super Bowl, Bill Beelichick gathered his football players and said, "Let's win this one for real. Just this one time. Let's not cheat." You know what happened? [dryly] They lost. [faces the class] Even if you feel all eyes are upon you, you cannot give up on chea-ting! Or else you can lose the biggest game of your lives.
Teen Girl 1: Yeah, come on, we can do this, guys.
Cartman: You are the true dreamers. Tomorrow you will prove it. We will begin by reviewing how to print out cheat sheets as labels for your bottled water.
Scene Description: A bus stop across the street from Buca de Faggoncini, night. Mrs. Garrison is on her back on the bench, crying
Mrs. Garrison: You did this to yourself, Garrison. Get your hopes up with a stupid genetic experiment and now all your money's gone along with your penis. [a squeaky thing is heard. Garrison notices and stops crying] Well what the? [raises her head and looks down, then looks towards her feet. The mouse that has been fleeing all night is now struggling to get on the bench] Why... it's my penis. [the mouse is now wholly on the bench] My penis came back. But why? [the mouse moves closer. Mrs. Garrison lowers her left hand to the bench. The mouse walks onto her hand, and she lifts it up] I guess it's true. What's that old saying? "If you love your penis, let it go..."
Scene Description: Jim Davis High School Auditorium. Mrs. Miller addresses the audience while Mr. Cartmanez' class stands behind and to the left of her
Mrs. Miller: The standardized advanced placement test is considered one of the most difficult and carefully monitored tests in the country. Twenty-four of our students took the test and all twenty-four scored 100% [their parents applaud. Melita and a short boy look at each other]
Teen boy 6: Uh, can we say something?
Mrs. Miller: Sure. [leaves the podium. The short boy reaches for a plaque and hands it to the taller boy, who now takes the mic]
Teen boy 6: We would like to present this plaque to the person who taught us the White People Method. Mr. Cartmanez! [Cartman, standing far from the podium and off to one side, walks up to the podium and reaches the mic. The students gather 'round him and clap as adults take pictures.]
Cartman: [basking in the success] I reeached these keeeds.
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, main entrance. Everyone is gathered there for a special occasion
Principal Victoria: Students and faculty, please put your hands together and help me in welcoming back, Mister Garrison. [everyone claps as Mr. Garrison makes his return]
Mr. Garrison: Thanks everyone. It's great to be back. I'm a man again. Thanks to my very special new friend. [the mouse that grew his penis climbs onto his right shoulder, the penis having been removed from it and attached to Mr. Garrison. Garrison turns around] But you know, I've learned that I've really been a dude all along. Because the key difference between men and women is that women can have babies. If you can't have babies, then, you're a man.
A Teacher: Whoa uh wait, uh, hang on a second. My wife had ovarian cancer, so she can't have babies.
Mr. Garrison: Well then get an AIDS test, Thompson, 'cause your wife's a dude, faggot! [Thompson is dumbfounded. Garrison turns around and jumps up to click his heels] Yeah! I'm back!


Scene Description: Stan's house, night. He's at his computer browsing the Internet. His mom pops in...
Sharon: Get off the internet, Stanley, It's time for bed
Stan: Mom, I just gotta do a couple more things
Sharon: Now, Stanley. The Internet will be waiting for you in the morning. Off!
Stan: [sighs] Aw man! [shuts off his monitor as Sharon leaves, then goes to bed. Sharon heads for Shelly's room]
Sharon: Shelly, off the Internet. It's bedtime.
Shelly: Mom, I'm i-chatting with my boyfriend in Montana!
Sharon: Now, Shelly! [leaves and closes the door]
Shelly: Why do you hate me?!
Sharon: [entering Randy's study] Randy, off the Internet.
Randy: Nooo. Naw come on, leave me alone.
Sharon: No, mister, it's time for night-night.
Randy: But Sharon, I've got stuff to do. I've gotta see my credit rating, I've gotta send an e-mail to Nelson and check out Foley's vacation photos-
Sharon: You don't have to do all that now! You can do one more thing and then it's bedtime. [leaves and closes the door]
Randy: [left to his thoughts] One more thing? [thinks a bit and then starts typing quickly] Ooooyeah... [starts masturbatng under the desk]
Scene Description: Stan's house, next morning. The sky brightens just before dawn.
Scene Description: Stan's room, 7:30 a.m. His alarm goes off and he sits up, turns the alarm off, and heads for his computer. He turns on his monitor and tries to visit Steam. His browser tells him he's not connected to the Internet
Stan: What the hell?
Randy: [entering, still in his night robe] Stan! Stan, I gotta use your computer! [reaches Stan's desk with urgency and moves Stan away]
Stan: What?
Randy: My Internet's not working; I gotta use yours. An-and give Daddy some private time, will ya?
Stan: My Internet's not working either.
Randy: What?! [sees but doesn't believe]
Shelly: [enters Stan's room with her laptop] Dad, the Internet's not working!
Randy: [pulling on some cables] I know that, okay?!
Shelly: I have to get online with my darling Amir before school starts!
Sharon: [enters] Randy, I can't get my e-mail to open.
Randy: [leaves the computer to be in the middle of his family] Everybody just, just calm down! Calm down, all right?! It's going to be okay! We just CAN'T. PANIC. [he's the only one looking panicked]
Scene Description: The Broflovski house, moments later. The doorbell rings and Gerald answers in his pajamas. He's got a cup of coffee with him. The Marshes are there in their night clothes
Randy: [in despair] Gerald. Please help us.
Gerald: Randy. What happened?
Randy: Our house... It has no Internet.
Sheila: [arrives and stands next to him] Oh my God.
Randy: [enters the living room] We've got nothing! It's just gone.
Gerald: Come in. You can use our Internet until you figure out what to do.
Randy: [gratefully] Thank you Gerald. [the other Marshes enter]
Stan: [heads for a computer] I'm getting on it first.
Randy: [giving chase] Oh no you're not!
Stan: [steps into Kyle's room] Kyle, I need to use your Internet
Kyle: Ih it's not working.
Randy: [steps into Kyle's room] What?!
Kyle: I've even unplugged it and plugged it back in.
Gerald: No. [rushes to the computer to see for himself] No, our Internet can't be broken. Ah, I've gotta get an attachment Larry sent me last night.
Randy: [firmly] It's not working, Gerald.
Gerald: But it has to work! Maybe if I do a little-
Randy: Your Internet's not working, Gerald! Face it!
Kyle: I have to get online before school.
Stan: What about Starbucks? They have free Internet.
Randy: Right, Starbucks!
Gerald: Everyone get your stuff; we can take my car.
Scene Description: Outside. As the two families head for Gerald's SUV, Stephen Stotch walks by. Behind him, a couple stands looking at their laptop
Stephen: Hey, is your- is your guys' Internet working?
Randy: No! Nobody's is!
Man 1: [comes out of his house with a laptop] Whaaaaat's haaappeniiiiing?!
Randy: Jesus. Everyone's gonna go to Starbucks now.
Gerald: Everyone in the car. We have to beat them there. [everyone climbs in.]
Scene Description: En route. They move down the road while on either side people have no idea what to do without the Internet.
Randy: God, the whole neighborhood's affected. [a man sticks a Yoshiba laptop in front of the windshield]
Gerald: Get out of the way, Peterson! [motions him away]
Scene Description: Starbucks Coffee. A crowd is already gathered there hoping to get inside
Clerk: Folks, there's, there's no Internet here. It's not working, I tell ya.
Kyle: It's not working here?
Randy: Kids, get back in the car. We can go to the Mac store.
Man 2: No, don't. You're wasting your time.
Randy: How do you know?!
Man 2: Because we just came from there! There was nothing! Not one scrap of Internet!
Gerald: How can there be no Internet anywhere? What's going on?!
Stephen: Anybody got a Blackberry? Check Drudge Report.
Randy: Good idea! [walks forward a bit and pulls out a Blackberry] No wait, we can't check Drudge Report: there's no Internet!
Mr. Garrison: [with pipe and laptop] There has to be a way to find out what's going on.
Gerald: We can't! Don't you get it?! There's no Internet to find out why there's no Internet!
Man 3: What did we used to do to get the news before the Internet?
Randy: [thinks a moment] A television! [everyone else thinks, then moves down the street as if they were one]
Scene Description: Tele's, moments later. Randy walks up to the plate-glass window with a chair and smashes the chair through it. Jimbo walks into Tele's first and everyone else follows. Jimbo turns on a TV and everyone else gathers to see the news. Onscreen, the small floating window says "This page cannot be displayed." At the bottom of the screen is a crawl that reads "THERE IS NO INTERNET"
Anchorman: Once again we apologize, but we cannot bring you the news. It appears that we have no Internet here at News 4. We'll be happy to bring you up on current events just as soon as our Internet is back.
Randy: Jesus, it's statewide.
Gerald: It could be nationwide.
Anchorman: Hello? Do you have Internet? It it's Channel 4 News. No, we don't have Internet either. [everyone leaves Tele's]
Gerald: No Internet... anywhere...
Randy: Jesus... we're all alone... [POV change to a shot of the town from a distance. Another POV change to a shot of the town from even further away]
Scene Description: South Park shopping district. The town seems empty. A window shutter opens and closes somewhere. It's Monday. Next scene is a shot of the Marsh house, eight days without Internet. Tumbleweeds begin to roll in. Inside, no one is doing much. Randy's asleep on the couch, Shelly's sadly looking outside, Stan sits on the floor, Grandpa is in his wheelchair. Randy begins to cough
Sharon: What's the matter?
Randy: I don't know. I need to get on Web MD and see why I have this cough, but I can't. [coughs]
Shelly: What if my sweetheart is online looking for me? He could be wondering why I don't get online with him. Maybe he thinks I'm dead. [looks at Stan] If my darling Amir gets another Internet girlfriend, I'm gonna kill him! And you! [starts punching Stan around like a punching bag. Stan screams]
Randy: [pulls Shelly away from Stan] Hey! Shelly, whoa, stop, stop!
Stan: Dad, you've gotta do something! She's out of control!
Randy: You're right. We can't just sit here any longer.
Scene Description: Sometime later. The Marshes have packed and weighed their car down with everything they can load up on it.
Gerald: Randy, where will you go?
Randy: We're gonna head west. There's a rumor goin' around there might be some Internet out there. So we're headed out Californee Way.
Gerald: You don't know if there's any Internet in California.
Randy: Well there certainly ain't none here! Look, maybe it's time you all face reality! The Internet here is dried up!
Stephen: It could come back.
Randy: Yeah, and maybe it won't! In the meantime I got a family who needs the Internet right away. We'll head out Californee Way and ... see what we can find. [motions to Sharon] Come on, let's go.
Stephen: Look, if you... if you do find the Internet, let us know, will ya?
Randy: How. You won't have Internet. [starts the car and moves out]
Scene Description: En route to California. Randy takes the Mother Road, Route 66, all the way there. They enter Arizone and pass a man holding a sign saying "Californee. Need Internet." They stop at a Canyon Motel - which has no Internet
Motel Clerk: [fanning himself] Sorry folks, we're full up.
Randy: Know anywhere else we can stay? We're... heading out Californee Way. Looking for some Internet.
Motel Clerk: You and everyone else. You'll have to stay out at the transient camp with all the others heading to Californee. [motions the direction of travel] It's about a mile down the road.
Scene Description: Transient Camp. $50, night. The full moon shines brightly behind the trees. The camp is a tent and a farmhouse. Randy takes up the guitar and starts playing
Randy: I'm goin' down the road feelin' bad. I'm goin' down the road feelin' bad. I'm goin' down the road feelin' bad, oh Lordy., My Internet done up and went away. [an elderly man weeps]
Transient Man 1: Where are you from, old-timer?
Old-Timer: Kansas City. Had me a store there. Kind of... computer supply store. When the Internet went, the stores went too.
Transient Man 2: Things will be different when we get out to Californee. Soon as we get us some Internet we can all rest easy.
Transient Man 3: Why sure, Silicon Valley. They gots a whole mess of Internet up there. 'Say a man can practically roll around in it.
Transient Man 4: When I get to that Internet I'm gonna click on just about everything in sight. 'Might even click on a pop-up ad just for the heck of it.
Transient Man 1: Well I'm gonna sit down at that Internet and just stahrt e-mailin'. Just keep on e-mailin' till my fingers are sore to the bone.
Randy: Sure will be nice. [Stan looks really sad]
Transient Man 5: You folks all headin' to Silicon Valley?
Randy: That's right. We need to get online.
Transient Man 5: Haha. "Get online" he says.
Stan: [annoyed] What's so funny about that?
Transient Man 5: Think about it. How many folk headin' out to Californee? A million? More? And how much Internet you think they got out there? [the other men look at each other] Might be some Internet, sure, but with everyone tryin' to use it at once, it's gonna go real slow-like. I knows it 'cause I seen it. My two children, they tried to load a Web page. Took them over three days. They sat there waitin', and by the time the loadin' bar was only half-full they was dead. [his eyes begin to well up] Starve on the Internet, with a belly stuck out like a big bladder... [weeps]
Randy: Come on, Stan, let's get some rest. [the group breaks up for the night]
Scene Description: The campsite. The Marshes have set up camp. Stan heads for a sleeping bag when he notices Shelly crying.
Shelly: Amiiir... I miss you so much...
Stan: [walks up to her] Don', don't cry, Shelly. You'll be able to get online when we get to Californee. [she just sits up and punches him away like a beach ball, then lies down without a break in crying]
Scene Description: The Marshes enter Californee
Randy: Everyone, wake up! [the others wake up] We're here! Silicon Valley, Californee! [takes an off-ramp]
Scene Description: An Internet Refugee Camp, run by the Red Cross. A big-city skyline is seen in the distance. The camp is well-guarded, and cars go in one by one. Randy drives up to the entrance, where a Red Cross worker greets him
Worker: Name?
Randy: Do they have Internet here?
Worker: Name?
Randy: Marsh.
Worker: Service provider?
Randy: NetZero.
Worker: All right, stay in line. [moves on to the next car] Once you're inside, Red Cross volunteers will direct you to your campsite.
Randy: So is there Internet here?
Worker 2: [voice only, from the front] Stay in line and get to your campsite. [Randy drives forward and into the camp]
Scene Description: The campsite interior. The camera scans the place until Randy's car comes into view. The car stops and the family steps outside. Randy walks up to two men sitting by a tent
Randy: Excuse me, we're looking for some Internet.
Refugee Man 1: Yeah, they've got it here. [Randy gives a thumbs up]
Stan: All right!
Refugee Man 2: But there ain't enough to go around. All they got is a little Internet. [curls his thumb and index finger to create a small space between them] Barely a bar a signal. So they have to ration it out, carefully.
Refugee Man 3: Ya... sign up over there and use your time when they call your name. Each family gets 40 seconds o' Internet per day.
Randy: Forty seconds? That ain't even long enough to check Wikipedia!
Volunteer 1: Well it's all we got, so we gotta make do.
Refugee Man 4: Look, honey, we ordered us some books on Amazon.
Volunteer 2: All right, time's up.
Refugee Man 4: No! No wait! I haven't entered the shipping information! [an MP hauls him away] NO! NOO!
Volunteer 2: Next? Brady, John H.
Randy: Awww, how am I supposed to see Internet porn that way? [Sharon is within earshot]
Sharon: [walks up to him] What did you say?
Randy: Uh, you go ahead, Sharon. Divide some Internet amongst the children. I- gotta talk to somebody.
Scene Description: The Broflovski house, day. Another tumbleweed rolls by. The Broflovskis are watching TV. Two anchors are on screen with a fax machine between them
Anchorman: And that's about all we know. Uhh, there might be some Internet still in California and parts of Florida, though we certainly still don't have any here. [the fax machine starts printing]
Anchorman 2: A fax! A fax is coming through! [points to it with both index fingers with lots of enthusiasm]
Anchorman: Oh yeah, a fax!!
Anchorman 2: Oh a fax!
Anchorman: It's a fax, it's a fax! It's a fax, it's a fax!
Anchorman 2: It's a fax, we got a fax! [the fax copy pops out and both men grab for it. ] Uh-
Anchorman: Oh! it says, "The government has sent their best people to the Internet in order to repair it."
Anchorman 2: [a few seconds later] We've gotta send a reporter out to the Internet!
Kyle: Where... is... the Internet?
Scene Description: A bright morning in the Southwest desert. Military helicopters appear and descend on a secret landing
General: Gentlemen, the President is very angry that his Internet still isn't working.
Scientist 1: We've tried everything, sir, but the Internet has slowed to a trickle and we can't get it working correctly.
General: Take me down below! I want to see the Internet for myself!
Scene Description: Down below is a huge cave with research equipment all over the place.
Scientist 2: Here it is, general. The Internet. [before them is a colossal router]
General: What's wrong with it?
Scientist 2: See that flashing orange light in the middle? It's supposed to be solid green.
General: [walks towards it a bit, in awe] My God.
Scene Description: The refugee camp, later. Another man is looking at the Internet.
Transient Man 6: Hahaha, thedancingkitty.com, heh, wum, I wonder what that is, hum? [the site appears in the browser] "Click on the dancing kitty and you could win a prize!" hoh, ahaha, ha.
Volunteer 2: All right, time's up.
Refugee Man 5: No, wait, I I just clicked on the kitty. I got it. [the MP comes up and hauls him off too] No! It wasn't long enough! NOO!
Volunteer 2: Next? Nelson, Peter T.
Randy: [approaches a volunteer] Excuse me, I need to uh, have some private Internet time.
Volunteer 3: Look, we're just tryin' to get by here. Everyone's gotta take what they can get.
Randy: [grabs the volunteer's arm, takes him aside and says in a soft voice] I haven't jacked off in over two weeks.
Volunteer 3: So jack off.
Randy: [lets go] You don't understand. [the volunteer crosses his arms] I need the Internet to jack off. I... got used to being able to see anything at the click of a button, you know? Once you jack off to Japanese girls puking in each other's mouths you can't exactly go back to Playboy!
Volunteer 3: What do you want us to do? Pick up the whole computer and put it inside for ten minutes just for you?!
Randy: Three minutes would be plenty.
Volunteer 3: Get lost! [walks away]
Randy: [feeling pain in his genitals] Ohhh.
Scene Description: Back at the campsite.
Sharon: [handing out tickets to her children] All right, each of you take a ticket. When they call your name you can use the Internet.
Shelly: What number are you, turd?
Stan: Eight fifty one.
Shelly: [switches tickets with him] You're nine twenty three now.
Stan: Hey! Mom!
Sharon: [returns] Shelly, give your brother his ticket back!
Shelly: Can't you all see I'm in pain?! Nobody understands pure love! Amir and I are closer than anybody in this stupid family! [runs away]
Scene Description: Randy walks slowly due to his aching balls. He doubles over from time to time
Refugee Man 5: Psst. Hey! Over here! [Randy looks over, then walks to the man] You... happen to be looking for Internet porn?
Randy: Yeah, how'd you know?
Refugee Man 5: Lots of us fellas came here for that reason. We all got used to seein' lots of really perverted stuff on the Internet, so now we can't go back to Playboy.
Randy: I know, right?
Refugee Man 5: Anyway, we got us a simulator. You just call out what you wanna see and then say "click".
Randy: "Internet Porn Simulator" [the tent is an "Internet Porn Simulator. Whatever you want to see."]
Refugee Man 5: Give it a try. [lifts up one of the entrance flaps for Randy. Randy enters and sees a makeshift computer on a desk. The monitor is a hollow box. Randy sits down. A hand descends into the hollow box holding a sheet of paper that says "Anything you want to see with the click of a button!"]
Randy: Uh, Japanese girls exchanging bodily fluids? Click. [the hand goes up, some scribbling is heard, and the hand comes down again with a picture of one Japanese stick figure pissing on another's face while the second stick figure lies on her back. This does not arouse him. He rolls away from the desk] Oh this sucks! I can't jack off to this! [no one responds] Damn it. [rolls back to the desk and unzips his pants.] Uhm, let's see. Interracial gangbang. Click. [gets ready to masturbate in anticipation. The picture comes down, and it's three black stick figures with their cocks out surrounding a Japanese stick figure.] Agh. Les-shemales! Let's try shemales. Click. [another picture comes down, this one of a stick-figure woman with a penis. Randy is grinding away down there] Bestiality? Click, click on that. [the next picture is that of a stick-figure man fucking a stick-figure pet in the ass. Randy is close to climax] Ah, ah! Brazilian fart fetish porn?! Click! Click! [the next picture is that of a Brazilian stick-figure woman farting on a stick-figure man.] Dahya. [the climax fails to arrive] No. No, this isn't gonna work. [pounds his fist on the desk and walks out] It's just not the same.
Refugee Man 5: Well, sorry. And that'll be $49 on your credit card.
Randy: [reaches into his back pocket for his wallet] Well at least that part's like the Internet.
Scene Description: The Broflovski house, day. The Broflovskis are watching the news
Anchorman: We, we now have a reporter on the scene. Uhl-let's go live!
Field Reporter: Tom, I'm at the Internet, where government officials are doing their best to get it running again.
General: [through a megaphone] All right, Internet. What do you want from us? [the collosal router does not reply] If we've angered you somehow, let us know. [lowers the megaphone] Try to communicate with it digitally again. [a scientist plays a few notes on a music keyboard. There's no reply. The scientist is about to play again when the original notes are sent back, with two others. That didn't go anywhere] I've had it with this thing! Fire a warning shot at it! [a sniper fires at it, but the bullet had no effect. It just bounced off the router]
Kyle: Hey, wait a minute. [gets off the couch and walks away to think alone] Is it possible that...
Gerald: [stands up] What is it, Kyle?
Kyle: I think... I know what's wrong.
Scene Description: The refugee camp, night. A woman is looking at the Internet now
Shelly: This is taking too long! When do I get to use the Internet?!
Stan: It's gotta be our turn soon.
Volunteer 2: All right, folks, it's bed time. No more Internet for today.
Refugees: AWWW!!! [various protests are heard after this]
Woman: A little closer!
Volunteer 2: No, no, we're locking it away until tomorrow. [the MPs unplug the computer and carry it and the desk away] Everyone get to bed!
Refugees: Aw man! [everyone walks off mumbling, disappointed]
Woman: Wha?![puts her left hand on her head and walks off with her head tilted back]
Shelly: Gggggyyaaah! [punches Stan away, then walks away in the other direction]
Scene Description: A storage room at the refugee camp. The volunteers put the computer away and Volunteer 2 locks the room shut. Randy sees an opportunity and mulls it over. Moments later he's at the room's window looking in. He tries sliding the window open and succeeds. He pulls himself into the room through the window, looks around, forgets to close the window, and walks over to the computer. He starts it up.
Randy: Uhuh... Finally! I'm online again! Yeeheeyes! [softly as he types] Japanese girls puking each other's mouths. [click. He finds a page right away. The girls are only heard, not shown]
Girl 1: Haro Kiti kawaii n desho? ["Hello Kitty is cute, isn't it?" puke]
Girl 2: Un. Choukawaii yo ne! ["Yes. Super cute, right?!"]
Randy: Oh niice... Whoa... [begins masturbating]
Girl 1: Watashi wa... daisuki! ["I" puke "love it!"]
Randy: [types away] Now let's see some bestiality. [click. The sound of a woman being rammed by an elephant is heard. Randy is hitting his stride, then heads towards climax] Aahahaha, yes! Ogh! [types away] Let's get some Brazilian fart porn in there! [click. The Brazilian fart porn fetish page loads.] Oh that's good eh! Oh! [a view from outside the shed] Ohhhhhhhhh! Hoh! Hohhh! [other refugees here this and walk out of their tents to see what's going on. Sharon and the kids are out too, but they don't say a thing.]
Refugee Man 2: What is that?
Refugee Man 4: Sounds like someone's bein' attacked by a tiger.
Randy: Ohhhhhhhhhh! Ohhhhhhhhhh!
Volunteer 4: Get the keys! We gotta get in there. [volunteer 2 runs to the door and whips out his keys. Three other volunteers, one of them a woman, follow him up. They get the door open and enter the shed]
Randy: [voice descending] Ohhhhhhh! Ohhhhhhh! Ohhhhhhh! [the oldest volunteer turns on the lights and they all gasp in shock. Randy is spent, his semen all over the room, the desk, the computer, and himself.]
Volunteer 2: What the...? [Sharon and the kids rush in]
Stan: Dad?
Sharon: Randy!
Randy: [trying to explain it away] Oh. Uhh. There was a, there was a ghost! A-a-and-this, this ectoplasm! [volunteer 4 heads for the computer] Did you see the ghost? [the volunteer begins typing on the keyboard] It ran through here; it sli-it slimed me!
Volunteer 2: You son of a bitch!
Randy: Oh no it wasn't me, it was this spooky ghost! [volunteer 4 looks back at Randy, who looks back at him]
Scene Description: The underground cave
Field Reporter: This is our last chance. With nowhere else to turn, the government is going to allow one brave nine-year-old boy [Kyle is shown standing before the router] to attempt his method to get the Internet running again. [shots of this breaking news airing all over the U.S.] It all comes down to this. Can the little Jewish boy reason with the Internet? Or will it be gone forever?
Scientist 1: All clear for procedure.
General: All right! Let's do it! [Kyle walks forward, then up the ramp. His parents fear for him. He walks up and to the right, sees the massive plug and walks to the socket. He just pulls the plug out, waits a few seconds, and plugs it back in. The router responds with a full green signal.]
Scientist 2: Look! The flashing yellow light is steady green now!
Scientist 1: He did it!
Scientist 3: I've got Internet!
Scientist 4: Me too!
Scientist 5: Internet activity in all sectors, sir. [everyone cheers. Kyle looks around a little puzzled]
Scene Description: The refugee camp, moments later. The men from the camp the Marshes first visited are there
Transient Man 5: I've got Internet.
Transient Man 6: Me too!
Transient Man 3: It's back! [everyone begins to cheer there too]
Scene Description: Breaking News. The two anchors are waiting for any news.
Anchorman: It's back? It's back! [the two anchors dance a jig]
Scene Description: The refugee camp, moments later. Shelly hugs her laptop
Shelly: It's working! I can i-chat with my darling Amir now! [a boy in the background turns around and looks at Shelly]
Amir: Shelly. Shelly Marsh? [both Shelly and Stan turn around to look at him]
Shelly: What?
Amir: It's me. Amir.
Shelly: O... kay.
Amir: Your family came here too, huh?
Shelly: [bashful] Yeah. [the two of them look away from each other]
Amir: So uhhh, I guess I'll e-mail you as soon as I get back home.
Shelly: Yeah, okay. Sounds good.
Amir: Okay, s-see ya. [turns around and walks away]
Shelly: [turns around and skips away] We're back togehhhther! We're back togehhhther!
Scene Description: South Park City Hall, day. Randy is addressing the town. He's dressed in a Native American shirt over his regular clothes
Randy: And so what have we learned through this ordeal? The Internet went away. It came back. But for how long we do not know. We cannot take the Internet for granted any longer. We as a country must stop over-logging -on. We must use the Internet only when we need it. It's easy for us to think we can just use up all the Internet we want. But if we don't treat the Internet with the resPECT [pounds the podium hard with his right fist. A few people are startled by this] that it deserves, it could one day be gone forever. So let us learn to live with the Internet, not for it. No more browsing for no apparent reason, no more mindlessly surfing on our laptops while watching television. And finally, [the head of a bald eagle appears on the screen behind him.] We must learn to only use the Internet for porn twice a day. Max. [everyone applauds him, then gives him a standing ovation. He has his left arm up and fist pumped.]


Scene Description: Entrance to Pioneer Village, day. The South Park Elementary school bus is parked. Mr. Garrison waits with a bearded employee as the class enters the attraction
Mr. Garrison: Kids, everyone together. Welcome to Pioneer Village. This is a recreation of early Colorado days. I want you all to meet Pioneer Paul. [the bearded employee steps forward, his hands gripping his suspenders]
Pioneer Paul: Hi, kids, and welcome to my village. I settled here in 1864 with my mahr and pahr. Sure thing, I ain't never seen strange clothes like you all are wearin'. And what's that fancy yellow horse carriage you got out there?
Stan: Ughh.
Kyle: This is gonna suck.
Pioneer Paul: When you all are ready just head up to the village. All the townfolk are there to answer yer questions. And welcome. [tips his hat a bit to the class] To 1864. Set 'em up!
Mr. Garrison: Thank you, Pioneer Paul. [Pioneer Paul turns around and walks away.] All right, kids, this is a big place, so I want everyone to pick a partner to hold hands with. [the students look at each other and begin to pair off.]
Cartman: Let's be partners, Kenny.
Kenny: (No, I'm partners with Craig) [holds Craig's hand]
Cartman: Okay. [turns and follows Stan] Stan, let's be partners, dude. [Stan approaches Wendy and holds out his hand. She takes it]
Stan: Naw, I'm with Wendy.
Cartman: Eh, you wanna hold hands with a girl? Gaywad! [Wendy flashes him an angry look as he turns and walks away. He looks around and sees most everyone is paired off. He approaches Kyle] All right, let's be partners, Kyle.
Kyle: I hate you, remember? [turns away] You wanna be partners, Jimmy?
Cartman: [miffed] Jesus, what have I ever done to you? Craig? Token? [Clyde and Token pair up] Who, who else needs a partner? [after the rest of the kids have paired up, only Butters is left. Cartman looks at him and he gets bashful all of a sudden, brushing his left foot back and forth on the ground] Uh who else needs a partner?
Mr. Garrison: Eric, partner with Butters.
Cartman: God damn it!
Mr. Garrison: Hold Butters' hand, Eric! [Butters motions for Cartman to take his hand]
Cartman: That isn't necessary!
Mr. Garrison: Butters, you are not to let go of Eric's hand until you are both back on that bus! Do you understand?!
Butters: I understand. [takes Cartman's hand as Garrison turns towards the village]
Mr. Garrison: All right, let's head in. [leads the way]
Cartman: You can let go now, Butters.
Butters: [firmly] No.
Cartman: Butters, come on!
Butters: No! [the class is at the center of the village. Around it are a carriage house, the saloon, and the feed and tackle store]
Mr. Garrison: All right kids, go ahead and visit the charming villagers and learn stuff. [the pairs disperse] Keep track of your partner!
Scene Description: The smithy's shop. The smithy is working on a horseshoe resting on an anvil. Stan, Wendy, Kyle, and Jimmy drop by
Smithy: Why howdy partners. [puts his tools down] I'm the town blacksmith. Are you folks settlers, or are you just trappers passin' through?
Stan: Uhhh, look, can we just drop the whole roleplaying thing? I would play along, but my girlfriend's here and I don't wanna look like a total dork in front of her.
Wendy: Thanks, Stan.
Pioneer Paul: [dropping by] These folks sure are strange, Smithy. We ain't never seen them kind of fancy hats in our time, have we?
Kyle: [points to the Smithy] That guy is wearing a digital watch.
Smithy: Oh jeez. [adjust the watch to hide it. Pioneer Paul gives him an angry look]
Pioneer Paul: Damn it Chad!
Chad: [puts it in his pocket] S-sorry, I'm sorry.
Scene Description: Another smithy shop, this time for guns. Cartman, Butters, Kenny, Craig, Jenny and Riley visit
Gunsmith: Why howdy, partners, I'm the town gunsmith. You see, in our time it's pretty violent. See them holes in the walls? That's so we can put rifles through to protect us from Injuns.
Cartman: I wanna shoot an Indian.
Gunsmith: Now some of you might wanna meet Abigail at the candle-makin' house. Or you can head over to the general store. [Kenny, Craig, and the two girls leave. Cartman and Butters head for the holes in the wall]
Butters: Do you see any Indians?
Cartman: Nah, it's just the city and e- Oh my Jesus Christ monkeyballs. [just over the greenery is Super Phun Thyme, a small attraction next door.] "Super... Phun Thyme." [turns to Butters and has him step forward] Dude, check it out! We're only two blocks from a Super Phun Thyme! They've got video games and rides and everything!
Butters: Oh, that's cool. [steps back and turns around] Well come on, Eric, we need to catch up with everyone.
Cartman: Dude, screw this place! We've gotta go to Super Phun Thyme!
Butters: Oh no! I'm not sneakin' out! I'll get in trouble!
Cartman: Fine, then let go of my hand!
Butters: Teacher said I can't let go till we're back on the bus!
Cartman: Well which is it gonna be, Butters?! Are you gonna ditch out with me or are you gonna disobey the teacher's stupid rule?!
Butters: I'm not lettin' go!
Cartman: Fine, then you're comin' with me!
Butters: No, Eric! [trips and stands up. Cartman pulls him towards the village's entrance]
Cartman: Butters, let go God-damn it!
Butters: No! [trips and tries to stand up] T-Teacherrr! Teacherrr!
Scene Description: Pioneer Paul leads Stan, Wendy, Kyle, and Jimmy into the general store.
Pioneer Paul: This here is our general store. It's where I buy all my supplies an' sich.
Clerk: Howdy partners. I own this hearrr general store.
Wendy: Look, Stan, they had beef jerky back then.
Clerk: What do you mean "back then"? Don't forget, it's 1864.
Kyle: Right. Except for it really isn't.
Pioneer Paul: Wuh, sure it is. Just look around ye. [they look around, but the modern sound of sirens reaches their ears]
Kyle: What's that?
Stan: Sounds like police sirens.
Pioneer Paul: What's a si-rene? We ain't never heard of no sirene in 1864. [the sound of screeching tires is next, and everyone heads to the windows to find out. A big black SUV pulls into the village and seven people pour out of it. One of them is injured]
Leader: We lost them, we lost them!
Injured Thief: Damn pig cops!
Leader: Close that gate! [two of his henchmen close the gate]
Wendy: What's going on?
Stan: I don't know. [the gunmen gather up the students and adults]
Leader: Everyone down on the ground NOW!
Sheriff: Wuh-whoa now, I'm Sheriff McLawdog. I settled here back in eighteen fif- [the leader shoots him in the forehead with a silenced gun]
Stan: Jesus Christ! [the six of them move away from the window and drop to their knees] We've gotta call the police. Where's your phone?
Stan: Jesus Christ! [the six of them move away from the window and drop to their knees] We've gotta call the police. Where's your phone?
Pioneer Paul: A phone? Why, what's a phone? We ain't never hearda sich a thing.
Stan: What?!
Kyle: Come on, this is serious!
Pioneer Paul: Eh storehand, you ever heard of this fancy shmancy phone?
Clerk: Uhhh, nooo. W-we ain't got a phone in our time.
Stan: Dude, they just shot a guy in the face! We've gotta call the cops!
Pioneer Paul: If you mean the law, only law around here is town sheriff McLawdog. You see, 1864 is a time of growth and development in the Old West.
Stan: [in no mood to hear about it] This is not the time for that!
Scene Description: Super Phun Thyme. Cartman pulls Butters towards it.
Cartman: Aw man, this is gonna be awesome! [the go through the double doors] Butters, if you don't let go of my hand, everyone here is gonna think we're gay!
Butters: Well, that's your problem!
Cartman: All right Butters, I've seriously had enough! [tries to rip his hand out of Butters' grip, but only succeeds in pulling Butters around. He tries again, but Butters isn't letting go. He tries a third time, all the way around, and Butters' hand is clamped on tight.] Jesus Christ! [drops the matter and goes to a counter with Butters] One please.
Butters: Make that two! [they each give $6.]
Cashier: Aww, aren't you two cute holdin' hands. Are you special little buddies?
Butters, Cartman: NO! [she gives them their tickets and they go into the attraction]
Scene Description: Super Phun Thyme, interior. Cartman and Butters go into an indoor amusement park. A bounce house is off to the right and miniature golf to the left. Bumper carz and laser tagg are on either side of the bowling lanes. The arcade is on the second floor.
Cartman: Dude, this place shreds! What should we do first?
Butters: We should get back to Pioneer Village, that's what we should do!
Cartman: Butters, we're going to get back before anybody even notices we're gone. Let's go hit the bumper cars! [yanks Butters along.]
Scene Description: Pioneer Village Administration. The façade is 1860s, the building itself current. Wendy reaches the entrance first.
Wendy: Over here. This looks like an office.
Kyle: [opens the door and leads the others in, then spots the phone] Here! Here's the phone! [Wendy gets on the stool and tries to dial out]
Pioneer Paul: Well, what a straaange contraption.
Wendy: I can't get a dial tone. [Kyle listens, then lowers the receiver]
Kyle: What's the number to dial out?
Pioneer Paul: Dial out? Partner, them are some funny words you're usin'.
Stan: Dude, do you understand what's going on here?! [Kyle and Wendy trade places]
Clerk: Maybe they're right, Brian. I mean, this is a special circumstance that-
Pioneer Paul: [grabs him by the collar and shoves him against the door] Brresh! [points something out to him. It's a sign over the door: "Remember: Never Break Character!"]
Clerk: Ogh, I mean, this here room is, it sure is strange. We have nothin' like these fancy devices in our time.
Pioneer Paul: I'll say.
Kyle: I got through. Hello, police?
911 Operator: Nine one one, what's your emergency?
Kyle: There's some terrorists or bankrobbers or something that have taken our class hostage!
911 Operator: Taken hostage where?
Kyle: The old Pioneer Village off of Kipling.
911 Operator: You mean that annoying place where employees won't break character?
Kyle: [glances back at the two men] Sister, you don't know the half of it.
Scene Description: Super Phun Thyme. Cartman rides a Space Pilot rocket
Cartman: Check it out, dude, I'm a space man! Space man, yehesss!
Cartman: I'm having a super fun time playin
Scene Description: Cartman and Butters are at a Thirst For Blood video game. Cartman navigates, Butters fires away half-heartedly
Cartman: Get... get that guy! Shoot that guy! Yeah, and then over here! [next they're playing air hockey. They take turns, but still have to run together in switching sides. They run to Butters' side and Butters hits the puck] Oh, you got it. Nice. [they run to Cartman's side, and Cartman hits the puck. They run back to Butters' side...]
Cartman: Super fun time, please don't go awahay.
Scene Description: Cartman and Butters skate as a pair on roller skates, then they share an ice cream sundae. A couple walks by and looks at them funny.
Butters: What are you whoofelin' at? [the couple hurries away]
Cartman: No more worries or cares, super fun time.
Cartman: [on a Road Hogg motorcycle ride as Butters gets on] Waiwait, keep- you're fine. [starts the ride. The motorcycle rocks back and forth quickly] Oh man, whoa!
Butters: Whoa! [gets tossed into the air, but doesn't let go of Cartman's hand. He ends up on Cartman's lap before the ride ends]
Cartman: The answer to my prayers, super fun time. Super fun time, you're all I need.
Scene Description: Cartman and Butters are playing Laser Tagg, except that Cartman is shooting at Butters gleefully. Next, they finally hit the bumper cars. Once everyone is in, the power is turned on. Butters is stuck outside the car, as there's no room for him, so he gets some injuries.
Cartman: Yeheah, we're wired up!
Cartman: I'll have a super fun time till I freakin; bleed. I love you mornin' noon and night, super fun time.
Cartman: [two cars bump into him] Yeah, bumper cars, sweeet! [Butters is battered]
Cartman: You make my life so right, super fun time.
Scene Description: Near the entrance, still inside
Butters: Th-that's it, Eric. We have to be gettin' back!
Cartman: Aw, just a few more things.
Butters: No! If we don't leave right now, we're gonna miss the bus, and then they'll know we left!
Cartman: Huh, I guess you're right, Butters. All right, come on. [they leave Super Phun Thyme]
Scene Description: Pioneer Village, later. The leader of the gunmen barks orders into a walkie talkie and paces back and forth.
Leader: Set up the satellite relay, check for alternate routes out of the area. [turns to the hostage group] Unfortunately, your police department got wind of our robbery and chased after us. That is unfortunate for you, because when I think it is clear to leave we will now need to take hostages with us to ensure our goods get to their final destination.
Mr. Garrison: Please, if you must take anyone, don't take me. These kids are worth more to you. [the kids are shocked at him. The sirens are heard again]
Blond: How did they find us?!
Leader: Get the loot out of the car and stash it in that building. [a bunch of police cars show up at the parking lot and their officers quickly get out and get into position]
Police Chief: All right, men, listen up! Looks like our thieves are trying to hide out here. They've got the employees and some school kids held hostage.
Blond: How did they find us?!
Leader: Get the loot out of the car and stash it in that building. [a bunch of police cars show up at the parking lot and their officers quickly get out and get into position]
Police Chief: All right, men, listen up! Looks like our thieves are trying to hide out here. They've got the employees and some school kids held hostage.
Lieutenant: Tucker, Dylan, set up a perimeter!
Police Chief: Everyone stay on your toes! These are professionals we're dealing with here!
Officer 1: What did they rob, sir?
Police Chief: A Burger King.
Scene Description: A table in the building the leader was referring to. The leader is there with the injured man and a woman. They pool their money onto the table
Leader: All right, good. Is that all of it? [a big balding man comes in with several Burger King meals in bags]
Balding Man: No. Don't forget we've got these too.
Leader: Excellent. Now listen, everyone, we're going to be all right. This is only a small hitch in our plan. [pulls out a cell phone and dials some numbers.] I'd like to speak with the chief of police! [listens] Who is this? This is the man who is going to kill an entire class of fourth graders if he doesn't get exactly what he wants!
Scene Description: Outdoors in Pioneer Village. The group that was in the administration building now arrives in the center of the village and ducks down behind a trough
Kyle: Why aren't the cops coming in?
Wendy: They must be negotiating.
Pioneer Paul: Them there bandits sure look mighty strange. And them pistols is way bigger than whats we's gots.
Kyle: [annoyed] Will you shut up!
Stan: Wait, you have guns here?
Pioneer Paul: Sure. Sheriff got lots of rifles in his office.
Stan: Well why don't you go get them and bring them back here?!
Pioneer Paul: All righty. Come on, storehand.
Clerk: Yeppir! [they leave]
Scene Description: Kipling, near Pioneer Village. Cartman and Butters head back to the village after a few hours at Super Phun Thyme.
Cartman: Uhaw man, I can't wait to see the look on Kyle's face when we tell him we had super fun time, while he was at the dumb Pioneer Village.
Butters: We're not telling anybody! I don't wanna get in trouble! And I didn't have a super fun time anyways.
Cartman: Butters, you've gotta learn to chill. Life goes by pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, and do whatever you want all the time, you could miss it.
Butters: Yeah, well, I guess that's kinda true.
Cartman: [stops in his tracks] Uh oh. [sees the police at the Pioneer Village entrance.] Crap, they called the cops on us.
Butters: What?! They called the cops?!
Cartman: They must have realized we left. Damn.
Butters: Oh my God, the police are looking for us!
Cartman: [covers Cartman's mouth and takes him behind a mail box] Shhh! Butters!
Butters: [quickly upset] We're gonna get it now!
Cartman: Butters Butters, calm down! I know a way out of this!
Butters: You just got me busted forever!
Cartman: Butters, l-listen to me, listen.
Butters: No! [turns away]
Cartman: All we have to do is sneak back inside without the cops seeing us. Then we can say we were inside all along.
Butters: You said they wouldn't notice we were gone. You promised. [punches him softly on the chest with his free hand]
Cartman: If we sneak back inside, we can say we never left, all right? [Butters calms down and stops sobbing] All right, now let go of my hand.
Butters: No.
Cartman: Butters?
Butters: Huh you made me break one rule, I'm not breaking the other! It's all I have now.
Cartman: All right, come on! [they head back towards Super Phun Thyme]
Scene Description: Inside Pioneer Village, day. The leader gives more commands as he walks along. He reaches one of his henchman, who's got monitoring equipment laid out and operational
Leader: Keep the hostages from talking and search for holdouts. Everyone check in at two-minute intervals. I hope you have good news, Orlich.
Orlich: The police have us completely surrounded on all sides. There's no way we're gettin' out above ground without being spotted.
Leader: Above ground?
Orlich: Look, I found this at the rear of the park. It's an old mine shaft, [a picture of an abandoned gold mine appears] but Pioneer Village was sued when a kid died in it, so they closed it down and protected it with a huge me'al door with a coded lock.
Leader: So if we can get into the shaft we can tunnel our way around the police. Excellent.
Orlich: One more thing, Franz: I want my share of the take now.
Franz: [finally, a name for the leader] What's the matter, Orlich? Lose your sense of trust?
Orlich: I was just thinking maybe we get through that tunnel. Then you take the loot to Berlin and I never see you again. I want my cut.
Franz: Very well. [hands him a wad of bills and a Burger King lunch bag. Orlich opens the bag, takes out his burger, and leafs through its contents like a deck of playing cards to make sure nothing is missing]
Scene Description: The village square, moments later. The blacksmith is tied up and sitting on a wooden chair. The woman hits the blacksmith's right eye with the butt of her gun
Franz: I'm going to ask you again, what is the door code to the tunnel?!
Smithy: I told you, mister, what would I know about a door code? I'm just a simple blacksmith. With my trusty forge I makes all the metalworks for the village. [the woman strikes his face again with her rifle] OW.
Franz: [holds up the smithy's employee profile] You are an employee here, that means you are required to know the door code for fire code reasons, [reads from the profile] Mister David Palmer of Colorado Springs!
Smithy: Huh my name ain't Palmer, it's... Old Smithy. Hand we ain't never heard of no fire code, why, we gots to put fires out ourselves when the- [the woman strikes his face again with her rifle] OW.
Franz: That's it! [aims his gun at Smithy's left temple. The woman backs away] Tell me the code or you die! [the smithy sobs] One... two...
Smithy: I...
Franz: Yes?
Smithy: I don't know nothin' about no fancy door code. I'm just a simple blacksmith. [Franz kills him and his body drops off the chair. The class and the pioneer villagers but Craig are stunned]
Craig: [observes] These Pioneer Village workers are really committed to their jobs. [another worker is tied up and put on the chair as the smithy's body is dragged away]
Worker: No. Please. Don't hurt me.
Franz: Give us the code to that door and we can leave!
Worker: [shuts his eyes hard] I've never heard of sss-something called a door code. [leans over and whispers] Please, can't you ask some other way?
Franz: I don't have time for your stupid game! Tell me, or you die right now! [gets his gun ready]
Worker: All right, all right! Look, it's just, it's just one of those... Jenkins home security locks. You press the top button and then, and then enter 5-2 [he's killed, but by someone else. The class and the pioneer villagers gasp when it sees whom the killer is. Pioneer Paul is shown with a rifle in his hand, and the general store clerk is next to him]
Pioneer Paul: [tosses his rifle away and walks to the class] What he meant to say, kids, is that we ain't never heard o'no fancy door code 'cause in our time, we gots to rely on wood locks and sich.
Franz: God damn it you people are fucking insane!
Scene Description: Kyle, Wendy, Stan, and Jimmy have seen this all from behind the trough
Kyle: I don't believe it.
Franz: Domino, [looks at the balding man, then at another henchman] Vosky! Find out if there are any employees or students wandering about! Bring them here or shoot them! [the two henchmen move out]
Wendy: Oh crap, we've gotta hide. Come on! [they start to move.]
Jimmy: Yeah. [all stop] We've gotta geh- ...geh... get the hell ...outta here f- f-hast fast. [they finally leave]
Scene Description: Outside Pioneer Village. The police are scouring the surroundings. One of them answers a call
Officer 2: Sector Bravo, no activity.
Butters: Jeez, uh cops are looking for us everywhere.
Cartman: Don't worry, they're not gonna find us 'til we're safely back inside. [turns left and points] Look, see that traffic signal down there? [the intersection is shown] If we can climb across that, we can jump to the tree branch, and then we're home free.
Butters: That looks dangerous.
Cartman: Not getting busted always is, Butters. Come on. [they head to the signal. Butters is lighter, so he goes up first. He pulls Cartman along up the traffic signal, then stands on the arm] Good, that's good. [Cartman stands up too] That's good, Good, all right then. Let's head across. [they begin to tip-toe along the traffic signal's arm.] Go easy. Good.
Butters: Oh gosh in heaven.
Cartman: It's all right. You've got it, no problem- [his left foot slips, causing them both to lose their balance] OP.
Butters: Whoa!
Cartman: Save me!
Butters: I'm gonna fall! [they both scream as they struggle to stay on the arm, but they both fall off... and end up hanging from the arm like a pair of tennis shoes tied together]
Cartman: ... Oh dude, laaame.
Scene Description: The village square. Franz is still on top of things.
Franz: Frohlich, check in. Have you found any other employees?
Domino: We found somebody. [the two henchmen he sent off earlier return]
Vosky: We found this guy in the jail of the sheriff's office.
Pioneer Paul: [gasps] You let out Murderin' Murphy?
Murderin' Murphy: Y'are all gettin' it for puttin' me in that thar jail!
Franz: [frustrated and pissed off] Stop it! Stop your bad historical acting right now!
Woman: Tarnation. Why'd you let Murderin' Murphy go? He's a bad man.
Franz: [approaching the employees] I am the fucking bad man! Do you get that?! Knock it off and give me the mine shaft access code!
Pioneer Paul: You're just gonna have to kill us, mister, 'cause you ain't makin' no sense at all.
Franz: I won't kill you if you don't tell me. I'll kill one of THEM! [walks over to the students...]
Mr. Garrison: Not me! Not me not me not me not me! [...and grabs Kenny]
Kenny: (What? Hey, let go.)
Franz: [drags Kenny to the employees] Do you want to see a child die?!
Kenny: (No they don't wanna see a child die! You guys! Uf.)
Scene Description: The traffic signal, later.
Butters: I am so disappointed in myself. Teacher gave me a res-responsibility, and I was just supposed to look after my partner, and I blew it!
Cartman: Don't be too hard on yourself, Butters. You can't help being a douchebag. Wait, Butters, look! [a big truck is headed their way] This is it! This is our chance! Swing over, Butters! Go!
Butters: Huh... [swings over, and they both land on the truck. They then move about looking for a good position to jump from]
Cartman: Quick! Are you ready?! We gotta jump!
Butters: Let's do it!
Cartman: Ready? Go! [they leap off the truck and over the wooden wall. The police are not aware of this. They land on a roof and roll of it into a wooden wheelbarrow, which tips over and dumps them onto the ground.]
Scene Description: Inside Pioneer Village. at the village square.
Franz: [Domino and Vosky bring the female employee over to Kenny, who is tied up on the chair] What about you? Will you tell us the access code or do you want to see this kid die?!
Woman: I'm sorry, I'm a woman and women in our time ain't allowed to know the carryin's on of the town proper.
Franz: God damn it!
Scene Description: In a nearby building, Stan, Wendy and Jimmy hide under a table. Kyle peeks out a hole in the boarded-up windows behind the table
Kyle: Dude, they're gonna kill Kenny!
Stan: I can't let them do it. [comes out from under the table] I've got to make the ultimate sacrifice. [turns and heads for the door, then exits the building]
Kyle: Stan?
Wendy: [leans out] Where are you going, Stan?
Stan: Wendy, I have to do something. Please look away. [turns around, grabs some dirt, rubs it on his face, and walks to the hostage area]
Franz: All right, that does it! [jabs the tip of the gun up against Kenny's hood. Kenny just looks at him] On the count of three this child dies! One! Two!
Kenny: (God damn it, someone help me!)
Stan: [walks up] Well howdy there, strangers. [everyone looks at him as he approaches] Sorry to interrupt ye, but I done come from Pagosa Springs to buy me some wares an' sich..
Pioneer Paul: Ohhh, welcome, partner. [the other employees welcome him as well.]
Franz: Wha-what are you doing?
stan: I heard you all had some difficulty with a criminal getsin' out of your jail.
Pioneer Paul: That's right, Murderin' Murphy. He's crazy 'cause someone killed his pa.
Murderin' Murphy: They killed my pahr!
Stan: I reckon that maybe you could make a jail door that opened with numbers instead of keys. You know, like a biiiiig safe.
Pioneer Paul: Y-y-yeah, I understand that.
Clerk: Finally, a fella that talks some sense.
Stan: If'n you all was to have such a giant safe, what would you villagers want the number to be to unlock that thar jail door shuckamuck?
Pioneer Paul: Oh, well uh, I reckon the easiest number to remember for any big safe door lock would be... 1864.
Clerk: Yup, 1864, 'cause that's the year it is.
Franz: Eighteen sixty four. Orlich, we have the door code! Start packing up! We'll take the hostages with us! [smiles]
Mr. Garrison: No, you got your door code, let us go!
Vosky: Copy that. What's the code, over. [Butters and Cartman step out from behind a building, then quickly step back behind it before they can be seen]
Cartman: Sweet, there's still cops looking for us in here. All right, follow my lead, Butters. [they step out again and walk towards Vosky, who gets ready to shoot] Hohoo man, hasn't this place been fascinating, Butters?
Butters: Yeah, it sure has.
Cartman: Oh, I just don't know what I liked better: the historical buildings and archifacts or the, or the uhhhm.
Butters: Or the witty anecdotes of the townspeople, uh...
Cartman: Witty anecdotes, yes, that's been ab- that's been awesome.
Butters: Been a hoot all right!
Vosky: Get your hands behind your head!
Cartman: What'd we do? We've been here the whole time.
Vosky: Shut up! Put your hands behind your head! Do it now! [they put their free hands behind their heads, which surprises him] Let go of each other!
Butters: Huh uh.
Vosky: Do what I tell you!
Butters: Our teacher said we have to hold hands the whole time we're here!
Vosky: Let go or else I'll put a bullet through your hands and make you let go!
Cartman: Butters.
Vosky: Now!
Butters: No! [remembering how Cartman swung him around at Super Phun Thyme, he swings Cartman around and knocks Vosky down. He and Cartman sprint across the field and manage to avoid the barrage of bullets Wilskey sends their way]
Cartman: Jesus Christ! [Vosky fires off a grenade, which hits a house just as Cartman and Butters run past it. The blast blows them off their feet]
Butters: AAAAH!
Cartman: AAAAH! [this and the gunfire alert the other robbers]
Franz: Go! Go take care of it! I'll stay with the hostages! [the gunwoman and Orlich leave]
Stan: Hey, m-Murderin' Murphy, you see that there feller?
Murderin' Murphy: Yeah.
Stan: He done killed yer pahr.
Murderin' Murphy: [stands up enraged] What?! Well I'll rip his head off! [runs towards Franz and tackles him]
Officer 2: We've got a chance. Hostages are clear! [officers climb over the wooden wall and pour into the village.]
Franz: They are coming in! [the shootout between cops and robbers begins. Orlich is shot dead and his burger drops to the floor next to him. The gunwoman fires, and the cops fire back. She is shot through a window and dies.]
Mr. Garrison: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Officer 3: Whoa, no, no!
Officer 2: Hostages are secure at the park entrance!
Murderin' Murphy: I got you now, Pioneer Paul!
Pioneer Paul: They shoulda never let you out of jail, Murderin' Murphy! [they get into a fistfight. Domino shoots at the cops from the second floor of the saloon. The cops fire back and Domino keels over, dead. Franz walks over to Orlich's body and takes back his cut]
Police Chief: [arrives and aims his gun] Freeze, scumbag! It's all over! [Other officers gather and aim their weapons. Franz drops his satchel and puts his hands behind his head.]
Woman: Murderin' Murphy's gonna kill Pioneer Paul!
Officer 2: [aims his gun at the men] Stop right now! It's over! [a bell rings out three tones and the fistfight ends]
PA System: Howdy, partners. It's five o'clock. Pioneer Village is now closed for the day. [Murphy and Paul let go of each other and stand up smiling] Head back to your wagons and have a safe trip home.
Pioneer Paul: We made it!
Murderin' Murphy: We made it! [the employees hug each other and begin to disperse]
Woman 2: Oh God, I can't wait to get out of this dress.
Murderin' Murphy: Whoa, that was great! [the employees begin to drop their makeup and other bits of costume]
Pioneer Paul: Uh, listen, if anyone still wants to know, the phone is in the administration building, you dial 9 to get out, and there's actually a back exit behind the horse troughs. Good night everybody, thanks for coming. We did it, guys!
Gunsmith: Let's go to TGI Fridays and get some jalapeño poppers!
Murderin' Murphy: Yeah, that'd be great!
Man 1: All right!
Man 2: Oh yeah, huh. Jalapeño poppers.
Man 3: Let's go, huh.
Scene Description: Outside Pioneer Village, evening. The cops finish up their investigations. Mr. Garrison talks to them with his class around him.
Wendy: Stan, you were really brave in there, but you did kind of sound like a big dork.
Stan: I know.
Police Chief: Come on you!
Franz: You're hurting my arm!
Police Chief: Too bad! You'll be going away for a long time. Was it worth it?
Franz: In a way, it was. I might not have gotten away, but... at least I learned a lot about Pioneer life in the Old West. Those early settlers didn't have the modern conveniences we all take for granted today. To think how difficult it was back in those times to do somethin' as simple as washing your clothes. Pioneer Village has a lot to teach us all.
Police Chief: That's true. [Franz is put in a squad car and the cops continue with their work]
Wendy: [looks at Pioneer Village] Hey look. [Butters walks towards the entrance dragging Cartman behind him. Cartman is passed out. Butters drags him over the sidewalk, across the parking lot, and on to the bus. Only then does he let go]
Butters: Teacher, my partner is back on the bus! [all energy leaves him and he passes out too]