Scene Description: The White House, day. President Obama delivers a speech in the East Room to the press
President Obama: Now, last week we were all reminded that intolerance still exists in our country. It took a very special young student to light up social media, and we've invited him to the White House today to show our appreciation. Because never have there been more tolerant, more moving words than Kyle Broflovski's speech about his hero Caitlyn Jenner. [applause. Kyle is shown with his eyes half-closed - an indication that he doesn't want to be there.] Come on up here, Kyle.
Scene Description: Crunchy's Micro Brew, during the speech. Mr. Garrison is seated with Richard Adler and Jimbo at a table looking at a TV monitor above the bar.
Mr. Garrison: You see?? There! This is why it's happening! Everyone's preachin' openness and acceptance, and so now millions of goddamned immigrants are comin' over the border and nobody seems to care!
Richard Adler: Well what are you gonna do? In today's world it's like you can't even say anything negative about illegal immigrants.
Randy: [Approaching and gesturing like a siren] Weoo weoo weoo weoo weoo! Did somebody over here say "illegal immigrants"? Because the correct term is "undocumented immigrants," alright bro? [leaves]
Mr. Garrison: [hushed] It's like nobody cares! And they just keep comin'. Crossin' the border with their dirty families, playin' their stupid music! [looks to his left] I mean, look at 'em! I'll bet not ONE of them is here legally! [a group of Canadians is playing pool.]
Canadian 1: Alright guy!
Canadian 2: Hey buddih!
Canadian 3: Hey buddih!
Canadian 4: [the shooter] Hey, what's going on fwiend!
Canadian 5: [Wearing a Canada sweater] Hey, buddih! Another Moosehead, eh?
Mr. Garrison: We should have put up a goddamned wall. [Jimbo and Richard now look at the Canadians as well]
President Obama: But wait, there's still more, [the three man now look at the TV] because this country was built on dreamers, and Kyle, we want to make your dreams come true. And so here is your hero, Caitlyn Jenner. [applause as Caitlyn joins Barack and Kyle at the podium. Kyle is taken aback]
Caitlyn Jenner: [with a lisp] I just wanna say thank you Kyle for your beautiful words of support.
President Obama: Now Kyle, we've got another little surprise for you. We told you we were flying you back home, but the truth is, you're getting a ride back all the way with your hero! How do you like that?! [Ooohs and applause follow.]
Scene Description: Caitlyn Jenner's car, outside, moments later. She's ready to take Kyle home, while Kyle looks bewildered.
Caitlyn Jenner: Buckle up, buckaroo! [Revs up and speeds away. Almost immediately an elderly person crosses her path and she runs her over, thoroughly killing her under her wheels. The press applauds.]
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, next day. Mr. Garrison enters his classroom along with his students.
Mr. Garrison: Okay children, let's take our seats. As you've probably noticed, our government has decided to let anyone who wants to, cross the border and screw up our country! [before him is a crowded room, with more desks and lots of new Canadian students.] I know you're all as pissed off as I am, so why don't we begin today's lesson on why the once-great empire of Rome, fell to shit! Huh?! Who can tell my why Rome fell to shit?! [all the Canadian kids raise their hands] No, somebody who matters! [the Canadian students begin to clamor. Garrison puts his left hand over his nose and closes his eyes] Alright, fine, in the orange shirt.
Canadian kid 1: [orange shirt] The Roman Empire, buddy, was facing ehh several issues, guy, as they reached the new millennium, friend, and rather-
Mr. Garrison: [irritated] Oh, speak in English! You see, [turns around and begins writing on the board] what happened is that these immigrants called Goths [writes the word and circles and underlines it] were welcomed into Roman territories [writes the word Roman on the board] because some people felt bad for them. [another Canadian boy checks his watch and hops off his seat, opens a small case and pulls out a trumpet] And then the Goths suddenly decided they were being oppressed, you see, and so then- [the boy begins to play a familiar tune, and Mr. Garrison turns around] What the hell are you doing?! [the other Canadian kids get out of their seats and whip out their trumpets to play the song]
Canadian kid 2: [in a suit] It's 8am, guy.
Mr. Garrison: [loses his temper,throws his notes and chalk] Well that's it! Why don't you Canucks go back where you came from?! [they stop and look aghast at him]
Scene Description: The Principal's office, moments later. PC Principal is behind his desk with Mr. Mackey at his right side. PC Principal is barely containing his temper. Mr. Garrison is looking at him defiantly with arms crossed
PC Principal: You really think you can refer to an undocumented immigrant as a "Canuck"?!
Mr. Garrsion: PC Principal, they got up in the middle of my lecture and started playing music!
PC Principal: So did you forget that at eight and eleven all Canadians face east and play Chuck Mangione? [stands up and puts his hands on the desk] Or did you not care to find out about their religious customs?
Mr. Garrsion: Thuh, they don't even speak English!
PC Principal: Then you need to be teaching in both languages from now on! Mackey, sign the faculty up for Canadian-language night classes!
Mr. Garrsion: What?!
Mr. Mackey: [bowing profusely] Yes, PC Principal! R-right away! M'kay?
PC Principal: You're on thin ice, Garrison! Get in line or you'll be out of a job, bro!
Scene Description: South Park Elementary cafeteria, lunchtime. Cartman, Kenny, Butters, and Token bring lunches from home while Stan, Kyle, Clyde and Craig get school lunches
Stan: What are they doing now? [several tables have Canadian kids seated and eating. Butters stands up for a better look]
Butters: Well they're all eatin' together and praying. A-and they're puttin' syrup on their Mac & Cheese! [sits back down]
Clyde: Ugh, so weird!
Token: There's just so many of them.
Cartman: You guys, I think this whole thing is a conspiracy.
Token: Whattaya mean?
Cartman: Think about what happened: American has pretty secure border for years. Kyle gives a big speech about tolerance and acceptance that goes viral. A bunch of Canadians cross the border illegally. Kyle's brother is Canadian. What if Kyle knowingly gave that speech to get all the illegals in?
Kyle: [annoyed] I'm sitting right here.
Cartman: And he's sitting right here.
Kyle: You really think just my speech brought on a wave of illegal immigration?!
Stan: You did kind of go overboard, dude.
Kyle: [looks at Stan, betrayed] What?!
Stan: It's just... I know you like giving speeches and stuff, but not everything is black and white.
Clyde: Yeah, I mean, it's fine you wanna go preach about Caitlyn Jenner, but you can't just make blanket statements about letting anyone do whatever they want.
Kyle: I didn't even want to give that speech!
Cartman: [interrupting] Yeah, yeah, this is interesting. Have you guys read Genesis Thirty-four?
Butters: Uhn-un.
Cartman: Well, it's intriguing, because in Genesis Thirty-four, the Jews actually did something similar to what Kyle is doing now.
Kyle: Uh I'm not responsible for this! Illegal immigration has been happening forever.
Cartman: But it's happening a lot more now. After you decide to give a big speech about Caitlyn Jenner. Because you want to bring down the cultural fabric of America. 'Cause you're a Jew.
Kyle: You guys, immigrants, either legal or illegal, are always gonna find ways to cross into richer countries if they're not living-
Stan: [briefly puts his left hand over his nose] Oh boy, here we go again. [the other boys leave as well]
Cartman: Yeah, I'm out.
Butters: Yeah, sorry. I can't listen to another one either. [Kyle is left alone, bewildered]
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, a different classroom, evening. There are watermarks everywhere, so this room hasn't been used for a while
Mr. Stkrdknmibalz: Happy evening, friends. My name is Mr. Stkrdknmibalz, (stick-yer-dick-in-my-balls) and we are going to learn Canadian. [Garrison shifts in his seat] With a lot of practice, you're going to find that speaking Canadian isn't so difficult. And in fact, our alphabet and yours are fairly similar. So why don't we begin singing it together? [Clears his throat] A B C D E F Guy H I J K L M N O Buddih Q R S T U Fwiend W X Eh! And [farts] These are Canadian ABCs Susie likes hairy balls. Whattaya think of these? Alright, now everyone!
Class: [begins singing] A B C D E F Guy H I J K L M N O Buddih Q R S T U Fwiend W X Eh And [Mr. Garrison begins to daydream]
Scene Description: Montage: Mr. Garrison on a bridge overlooking a river. he sees several Canadians enjoying themselves in inner tubes in the river. He sighs and walks away. Next, he's in line to get into the DMV during the day, but the line is full of Canadians. Next, new STOP signs go up that now have BUDDY under the STOP. Mr. Garrison is at the intersection waiting for the green light. A truck pulls up with a bunch of kids in the truck bed, no seat belts. Next, he's at the old town bar singing on a corner stage and playing a guitar. The regulars hold up their fists in solidarity. Next, he passes by a food cart. The cook there is selling beaver tails for five dollars. Then he passes by a newly-sold house with a Canadian couple cheering their purchase. Then he's back at the bar, with more listeners holding up lighters in solidarity. Next, he looks out his window and finds a bunch of supporters on his lawn pleading for him to lead them. Next, he walks by some Canadian kids playing street hockey, then he passes by the school
Mr. Garrison: Where has my country gone? Where has my country gone? It was a land of opportunity that we held dear But now all these other assholes are comin' here. And where's my country gone? It was just here like, two seconds ago. 'Cause when they said that this was the land of the free I'm pretty sure that they were referring to me And my country's gone! It got upset and now it's wandered away It took 43 Presidents to make us stand tall And just one black guy to unravel it all Country gone! Please tell it that we need her back home. There's a great big hole in the liberty bucket 'Cause someone forgot to tell the foreigners to suck it! And now they're all hanging out on my lawn... [trumpets come up and play "Feels So Good"] And now they're ruining my song Makin' it sound like Chuck Mangione [trumpets fade out] Where has my country gone?
Scene Description: Montage ends, and the camera settles on Mr. Garrison leading a rally at the town square, with his supporters around him.
Mr. Garrison: Seems like everyone's afraid to speak the truth around here! Well I'm throwin' my hat in and sayin' I'll figure this thing out! Now I might not understand politics, or immigration policies, or... the law. Or basic... ideological... concepts. But dammit I understand there there's a bunch of Canadians here and I'm gonna do somethin' about it! [applause and cheers]
Scene Description: South Park Elementary gymnasium. PC Principal has called the student body in and put the Canadians on the basketball court and the Americans on the bleachers. The Canadian kids are standing in two lines. The front line wear different costumes that represent different time periods and icons in Canadian history, including the First Settlers of Canada, foreign explorers, a Mountie and a Canadian soldier. The second line consists of a band and choir.
PC Principal: Alright everyone, listen up. In order for better understanding we've asked students of Canadian origin to introduce you to their culture and [spots a disturbance in the stands] HEY LESLIE! SHUT YOUR FUCKIN' MOUTH! [Leslie stops whispering into her friend's ear and looks at PC Principal] - to introduce you to their culture and customs. So let's give them our undivided attention as they take us on a whirlwind journey through their diverse history.
Three students dressed in Native American garb: We are the Hopewell and Abenaki, first settlers of Canadian soil-
Kindergartner: Guy.
Five students dressed in European clothing: We are French and British explorers, seeking furs and goods. [Mr. Garrison walks up and takes the mic]
Mr. Garrison: Yeah, and I'm Dan Rather, and I got news for you! Nobody wants you here! [the gym is silent] Sorry not sorry! It's time for someone to say it like it is, and make our country great again!
PC Principal: Garrison, what do you think you're-?
Mr. Garrison: And I'm also not afraid to stand up to PC Principal! You, sir, have a pizza face and you suck your mom's dick!
PC Principal: That's it Garrison! You are fired from South Park Elementary!
Mr. Garrison: Oh, see? And now I'm fired! That's the cold, hard truth of immigration! Well there's only one immigration policy that I believe in, and that's fuck 'em all to death! [the students gasp] I'm just sayin' what everyone's thinkin' here kids!, Sorry not sorry![The school hallway, moments later. The Canadian kids walk out of school in anger]
Stan: Dude, the Canadians are pissed off.
Token: Can you really blame them?
Butters: What made Mr. Garrison do that?
Cartman: Guys, what if this was all exactly what Kyle planned? Get the Canadians here, make them feel persecuted, and then what? Uprisings? Rebellion? Next thing you know, they're sending us to camps and using us as livestock!
Butters: You really think Kyle would do that?
Stan: That doesn't matter. We have to think of a way to smooth this over, fast.
Cartman: Yeah, we're gonna need a symbolic union.
Token: A what?
Cartman: You know, what's that story about the two sides that were fighting and, then a guy from one side got with a girl from the other side and their love sort of brought the groups together?
Butters: Lion King II?
Cartman: [snaps his fingers and points to Butters] Yes, Lion King II. I mean, if we can get one of us to go out with one of them - probably, have sex - then it could be a symbol of us all getting along.
Craig: Yeah, it's kind of like when the princess of one country marries the prince of another.
Kyle: Oh, come on, this is stupid. You guys, when two groups of people don't understand each other you can't just try and diffuse the tension with a little-
Cartman: Is he seriously? Is he seriously giving a speech right now? [all quiet] Is he SERIOUSLY giving a speech right now?! [the other boys look back at Kyle angrily, and Kyle is left speechless] This is gonna have to happen pretty fast, so whoever's gonna do it needs to ask a Canadian girl out soon. 1 2 3 Not it.
Stan, Craig, Kenny, Clyde, Token: [one after the other] Not it!
Butters: No, no. Not it! Oh. OH SHIT!
Scene Description: CNN report.
Anchor Tom: Support is growing for a Colorado man who claims the way to deal with illegal immigrants is to fuck them all to death. We go live to Minnesota.
Scene Description: Niagara Falls, Minnesota, day. Mr. Garrison goes around greeting supporters and waving to them or the camera
Field reporter: Tom, the political activist is going around the country to get support for his agenda, and- Uh Mr. Garrison, you believe the immigration problem is easy to solve?
Mr. Garrison: Yes. Fuck them all to death. Let'a make this country great again. [cheers swell from his supporters]
Field reporter: And when you say "Fuck them all to death," what are you actually suggesting be done?
Mr. Garrison: I'm suggesting we round them all up, pull down their pants, and fuck them until their spirits leave their bodies!
Supporter 1: [wearing a Snap Right Tools cap] USA!
Mr. Garrison: And then, after we've fucked every last one of 'em to death, we build a big wall! And if anyone comes over the wall, we fuck them to death too! And then we fuck to death all the-
Tom: Uh Dan? Dan? We're getting word that a wall has already been built. [to the control booth] Is that right? Yes? Yeah- CNN is confirming that Canada has built a wall to keep us out.
Mr. Garrison: What do you mean they built a wall?! They can't build a fucking wall! Oh, fuck them to death!
Scene Description: [Moments later, Garrison and his supporters rush to the border in their cars, where they are met with a very tall wall. A lone guard sits atop the 40-foot wall, and the Americans get out of their cars]
Guard: Hey there! Beautiful day, isn't it?
Mr. Garrison: What the hell is this?!
Guard: Oh this? This is a wall. Sorry buddih, nobody allowed in.
Jimbo: Can they do that?
Mr. Garrison: Look, we came to speak with your government about that
Guard: Yeah, no, sorry! Everything past here is ours. You can't, you can't go past, past here.
Mr. Garrison: We're Americans! We don't even want to be over there! What do you think we're gonna do?
Guard: Well, you know, we just don't want you ... raping our women and stuff.
Supporter 2: That is ridiculous! [crosses his arms]
Mr. Garrison: All right, smartass! That's just about enough-
Guard: Look, there's just some really cool shit back here and we don't feel like sharing it.
Mr. Garrison: [suddenly curious] Cool shit like what?
Guard: Don't worry aboot it.
Mr. Garrison: No! What's back there? Let me see!
Jimbo: [pulling him back] It's all right, Garrison.
Mr. Garrison: No! Goddammit, let me see!
Scene Description: South Park Elementary playground, day. The Americans and Canadians have separated into their own cliques. Cartman and Butters stand between the groups checking out the Canadian girls. Butters is still pissed that he lost
Cartman: What about that one? In the glasses? She's kinda hot.
Butters: She's not hot! She looks like a messed-up cucumber with wieners on it!
Cartman: All right, how about the lanky one, there? Ooo, ooo, What about the one in the hat? She kind of looks like Alanis Morissette, huh?
Butters: Alanis Morissette is like 80 years old or something! [stomps his right foot down on the snow] Jeez!
Cartman: Okay, Bu-Butters, relax.
Butters: Well I don't want a Canadian girlfriend, Eric!
Cartman: Okay. Do you just want a race war?
Butters: No! The one in the white shoes isn't that ugly.
Cartman: Okay, go fuck the one in the white shoes.
Butters: Okay! [walks over to the bench with the girl in white shoes next to it] Hi, my name's Butters, what's yours.
Charlotte: I'm Charlotte. [her friends giggle]
Butters: Oh Charlotte, I've never done this before. You think Scar's up there? He wasn't my father, but he's still part of me. Oh no, Simba, we have barely begun. We'll run away together and ... and...?
Cartman: [satisfied with the way Butters interaction is playing out. To himself] And start a pride all of our own.
Scene Description: CNN Report, at the Canadian border. Dan, the field reporter, is updating
Dan: Tom, the scene at the Canadian border is electric as several political leaders try and strategize how to deal with being shut out of Canada. [in the background three podiums appear on the road right in front of the wall. Garrison and two other leaders step up to the mics.]
Male politician: If the Canadian government wants to put up a wall, they have every right.
Female politician: And yet, we must ask why they thought this to be necessary.
Mr. Garrison: No, fuck them and fuck you! [points at the female politician] I wanna see if they have really cool shit back there!
Female politician: What we need is a-
Mr. Garrison: No! [points at the female politician] You've got a gaping gash [points at the male politician] and you've got vinegary balls! The Canadians can't do this! Don't they realize that hundreds of thousands of their people are over here illegally?
Guard: Oh, you guys didn't put up a wall?
Mr. Garrison: And you keep your goddamned mouth shut, smart-ass! I'll deal with you! [cheers and applause from his supporters. He turns to face them.] I get things done, and I'm gettin' back there! [more cheers and applause]
Scene Description: An outdoor mall in South Park. Butters returns with some ice cream for himself and Charlotte.
Butters: Here you go.
Charlotte: Thanks, Butters. I'm sore-y I didn't know what ice cream was.
Butters: What's "sore-y"?
Charlotte: Well that's what Canadians say to express remorse.
Butters: Oh. Heh, he-hey, heh that's neato. [his cell phone rings] Oh. Eh, hang on Charlotte, one sec. [walks off a bit and picks up] What do you want?!
Cartman: Have you given her the old Hot Cosby yet?
Butters: No, we saw a movie and now we're goin' to the park.
Cartman: Butters, we don't have time for that! I told you you have to cut to the chase with a Hot Cosby!
Butters: If I'm gonna be with this girl, I don't want her someday thinking it was all super-rushed!
Cartman: Nobody cares about forty years from now when she suddenly changes her mind, Butters! Time is of the essence! We're all gonna die! [hangs up. Butters returns to Charlotte]
Charlotte: Everything all right?
Butters: Yeah, just some work-related stuff.
Charlotte: So hey, I wanted to see if you wanted to come over to my house for dinner tomorrow.
Butters: [getting nervous] Oh boy, yes I'd love to, here we go, oh God.
Scene Description: Niagara Falls National Park. The camera looks at the falls and then pans to the left to show Mr. Garrison being lowered into a barrel by Jimbo and Ned.
Mr. Garrison: Okay that's, that's good. Watch the balls. Okay, all right, give me the helmet. [Jimbo reaches down and hands the helmet to Mr. Garrison] We'll see what they've got behind that goddamned wall! [turns around to face his supporters] You know what I am, friends? I'm a doer.
Supporters: Yeah. Yeah, that's right.
Mr. Garrison: Canada says we can't go into their country, I'm going into their country! And when I do, I am fucking every last Canadian... so hard! [cheers and applause] All right, let's do this! [drops down into the barrel. Jimbo and Ned seal it up. Several supporters lift the barrel up over their shoulders and carry it to the railing]
Supporters: USA USA USA USA USA! [they throw it into the river and watch it approach the falls] USA USA USA! [the barrel goes over the falls and breaks up a few seconds later. Jimbo screams] USA US-!
Jimbo: Aww, he's dead.
Scene Description: Charlotte's house, evening. Butters is her guest for dinner. She has a grandmother living with her, as well as a brother and sister
Dad: So young man, I understand that you and my daughter have started a romance.
Butters: Well uh, well yes, sir.
Dad: And I suppose you have a thing for Canadian girls, huh? Is that it? You've got maple fever?
Charlotte: Ey, daddy!
Dad: I'm sore-y, Charlotte, but I get suspicious. It's bad enough we have to live in America, now all the boys with maple fever are gonna wanna have at our daughter.
Mom: That's enough, Thomas!
Butters: W-wait, you don't wanna be here?
Charlotte: Why would we want to be here?
Butters: Wuh well, you know, 'cause everything is great here, and we have cool stuff.
Thomas: Canada has everything. It's the greatest country on Earth.
Butters: But- so- then, why did you leave?
Thomas: [sighs and gets up from the his chair, and walks over to a window] There were several candidates during the Canadian elections. One of them was this brash asshole who just spoke his mind. He didn't really offer any solutions, he just said outrageous things. we... thought it was funny. [the mom begins to cry quietly, and her son comforts her] Nobody really thought he'd ever be President. It was a joke! But we just let the joke go on for too long. He kept gaining momentum, and by the time we were all ready to say "Okay, let's get serious now. Who should really be President?" he was already being sworn into office. [turns around] We weren't paying attention. [collapses and begins to cry, bumping into the table against the window] We weren't paying attention! [lets out all his tears and the family gathers around him to comfort him.]
Butters: Jeez, how bad can a president be?
Scene Description: Back in Canada, the new President, a middle-age man resembling a likeness to Donald Trump, sits at his desk.
Mr. President: If certain people want to leave this country, then let them! You tell those pussy homos they can suck my balls!
Johnson: But Mr. President-
Mr. President: And tell the Prime Minister of China that HE can suck my balls! Oh, and Johnson?
Johnson: Mr. President?
Mr. President: Suck my balls.
Scene Description: Charlotte's backyard, after dinner. The yard is more like a garden, with flowers everywhere, swaying gently in the breeze. She and Butters are on a bench swing holding hands
Charlotte: I'm sore-y about my papa. He can be really emotional sometimes.
Butters: You don't got to be sore-y. It's me who should be sore-y. I think everyone has the wrong idea about your people, Charlotte.
Charlotte: It's okay. We just have to give them time.
Butters: I wasn't supposed to have time. I was supposed to give you a Hot Cosby, so our species could coexist. But now I realize you guys don't even wanna be here.
Charlotte: Oh.. so do you want to be here? Now?
Butters: There's really nowhere I'd rather be. [smiles] If it's okay with you, well I'd like to try a nice Slow Cosby instead.
Charlotte: In Canada, we call a Slow Cosby ... love. [kisses Butters on the cheek. Butters strokes it and smiles again] Oh look! [a meteorite zooms across the sky] A shooting star! In Canada, we say that's... good luck.
Butters: So do we.
Scene Description: A concrete channel with a slow-moving river running through it on the Canadian side of the border. Mr. Garrison comes to, groans, and slowly gets up. He leaves the channel and finds himself looking at an abandoned Canadian city.
Mr. Garrison: Hello? [his voice echoes through the canyon of high-rises in the city. He walks by an empty coffee shop with a loose door banging in the wind. He hears a man sobbing, but sees abandoned cars, paper strewn everywhere, trash... he finds the man sitting on the roof of a 13-story law office building]
Man: Oh God! Oh God!
Mr. Garrison: Hey! Where is everyone, guy? [the man sobs some more and then stands and jumps to his death.] Jeez.
Scene Description: Montage. As "Safety Dance" plays, Mr. Garrison walks through an empty mall and notices an escher-esque assortment of escalators there. Mr. President is dancing away. Mr. Garrison sees the activity and walks over, not sure what to make of it all. Mr. President notices him and stops
Mr. President: What?! Hey! How did a US citizen get past my wall?!
Mr. Garrison: I came here to find out where my country gone!
Mr. President: Where your country gone? Where my country gone?!
Mr. Garrison: No, where my country gone, bitch?!
Mr. President: Nobody talks to me like that, buddih! [goes around his desk]
Mr. Garrison: Nobody talks to me like that, fwiend! [they begin to fight on the carpet. Mr. Garrison takes the President down and wrestles with him until the President is face down] Eurgh! Yeah?
Mr. President: Stupid-! Unh!
Mr. Garrison: Little asshole!
Mr. President: This is why I built that wall!
Mr. Garrison: You think you can-? [grabs the back of the President's head and slams it down] Hey! Here you go! Here you go! [keeps beating the President down] Look, guy, I came here to do one thing! [takes off his own swim suit and begins raping the President]
Mr. President: Hey, what the-? Aah! Hey, that pokes, buddih! Aah!
Aide: Oh my God, guy.
Mr. President: Please! Please, I can't- Oh. NO! No please, NO! NO! [Garrison inhales some poppers, then resumes the raping with increased vigor] Ohhh! Ohhh! Nooo!
Scene Description: Charlotte's house, the dining table. Butters and Charlotte share a tall milk shake. Thomas and his wife look on from the doorway, holding hands
Mom: Oh look at them, Thomas. I think they really like each other.
Thomas: Yes, I have to admit. It seems they're falling in Slow Cosby. [someone knocks on the front door] I'll get it. [goes to the front door and opens it]
Canadian 6: Hey, did you hear the news, buddih? The Canadian Presidents been fucked to death!
Canadian 7: [across the street] Yes! Yes!
Thomas: What? Are you sure?
Mom: What is it, Thomas?
Thomas: The Canadian President got fucked to death, darling.
Mom: Oh my goodness! Should we go back to Canada then?
Thomas: Yes, I guess let's go back! [and so the Canadians start packing up and moving out. The Marshes stand outside their house looking at the exodus]
Canadians: See ya! Bye! It's been real, guy! See ya, guy! [once they're all gone, Butters appears on the road chasing after Charlotte]
Butters: Charlotte!
Charlotte: I'll Skype you when I'm home, my love! [soon she's too far away]
Butters: Ah, I should have done the Hot Cosby.
Scene Description: South Park town square. Mr. Garrison is back on stage, his supporters cheering and applauding him again
Supporter 3: [voice only] You did it, Garrison!
Supporter 4: [voice only] Thank you, Garrison!
Mr. Garrison: Friends. I think I've proven that my policies work to get things done. I know what my true calling is, and I'm gonna keep this goin' all the way to Washington.
Kyle: [gets up on stage to clear his name] Hold on, wait! It wasn't me! I wasn't the one who brought the Canadians here! It was something just like this. Don't you see? If there's anything we've learned, it's that we have to stop this kind of sensationalist politics before the same thing happens to us, because if we let this kind of... [stops himself] this... kind of... [the crowd looks at him, annoyed]
Cartman: Dude!
Stan: Unbelievable! [Kyle turns left and walks off stage]
Mr. Garrison: All right, my friends. I have to say goodbye now, because I'm off to Washington with my running mate! [the camera shows whom the running mate is as Garrison gets into the passenger seat]
Caitlyn Jenner: Buckle up, buckaroo! [Revs up and speeds away. Almost immediately a young woman crosses her path and she runs her over, thoroughly killing her under her wheels. The crowd cheers and applauds.]


Scene Description: The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon. Fallon is going into his monologue
Jimmy Fallon: Okay okay okay. So this guy is running for President and he hates immigrants, and he's basically an idiot. [the audience laughs throughout] Not surprisingly, this guy is from a predominantly white town called South Park, Colorado. Or Shit-heads of America, Incorporated, I'm not sure. Yeah, if this guy is the best their town has to offer, can you imagine who he left behind? [affecting a hick accent] "Oh hey, I'm from South Park! We don't take kindly to respecting human beings!" [a shot of Randy and Sharon watching from the sofa with their jaws dropped] You, you think South Park has a university? "Welcome to South Park University." [a shot of Gerald and Sheila in bed, watching with jaws dropped] "Please open your shotguns and slap your wives!" [a shot of Butters watching the show on the phone, in bed. He's crying quietly] "I live in South Park and my IQ's so low I've got's ta dig for it. Hey, did someone say 'rape?' That's the word for 'clever' here in South Park" [the camera is back on Randy and Sharon]
Randy: [turns off the TV] That's not funny. [gets up and walks away.]
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Kids are walking around in the hallway. Stan goes to his locker as Kyle, Kenny, and Cartman stand in front of the lockers on the other side of the hallway, their heads hanging in shame. Butters joins them, also ashamed, and Stan closes his locker to join them all.
Stan: So not cool. How does someone just rip on us like that?
Kyle: I can't believe Jimmy Fallon hates us. Jimmy Fallon loves everything. Why would he slam our whole town?
Cartman: Because apparently he doesn't care that his jokes are at the expense of actual people.
Butters: Well do you think it's true? Do you think we're really bigoted country bumpkins?
Cartman: No. [steps forward] Hey, we are not bumpkins! Okay?! Kenny's a bumpkin!
Kenny: (Well fuck you, dude!)
Cartman: We don't have junk cars in our yards, that's just your family, Kenny! [Kyle is about to defend Kenny, but Stan speaks up]
Stan: I just hope somebody finds a way to fix this.
Scene Description: South Park City Hall, day, the Mayor's office.
Mayor McDaniels: I've called you all here because South Park has an image problem. Thanks to Mr. Garrison we are now being referred to as the shit-heads of America. One of our more politically sensitive citizens has proposed an idea for this crisis and I'd like you to hear him out.
Randy: [takes the dais as the Mayor steps aside] Hello everyone, I'm Randy Marsh, and I've been PC for almost two weeks now. You know, we've all been making changes to be more socially conscious, but have we really done enough? The truth is, there's something we're lacking as a community, and it's time we all faced it. What this town needs... is a Whole Foods. [a lot of chatter springs up in the audience.] It would instantly validate us as a town that cares about stuff.
Stephen: We couldn't get a Whole Foods to open here.
Randy: And why not?! Huh?! We all just don't believe we could get a Whole Foods! Because we don't believe in ourselves!
Fr. Maxi: Where could it even go?!
Randy: Mayor?
Mayor McDaniels: I'm announcing a plan for SoDoSoPa. [presses a remote control and a picture of the logo comes up.] A new urban development that will turn the most rundown and dilapidated part of our town into a quaint center of artisan shops and cafes.
Randy: Lots of cities are dong this. The area south of Downtown South Park has always been the ugly eyesore of this town. But now, SoDoSoPa... is going to bring in the fresh new vibrancy that Whole Foods can't ignore.
Scene Description: The SodoSoPa site, later. An architect is there with a select group of people, including the Mayor, Johnson, Wendy's mom, Randy, Linda, and three others
Architect: We'll keep the existing structures, but add brick walkways and some quaint white lights. A plaza in the middle will be a place where young couples can play with their toddlers. [a shot of the site, which is Kenny's house, which has warped windows and broken stucco all around. Kenny hears the conversation and peeks out the front window] And it will all be small businesses like artisan cheese shops or noodle houses.
Randy: Oh, this is really exciting. I thought this area was just gonna stay shitty forever. [Kenny walks to the kitchen, where he sees Stuart drinking a beer and reading a magazine.]
Kenny: (Hey Dad, there's these fucking people outside.)
Stuart: Who is? [gets up and walks to the front door, opens it and sees the group]
Mayor McDaniels: So you think you'll keep all the existing structures?
Architect: I do. It's part of what gives a revitalized area like this its charm that the hipsters like.
Stuart: Hey, what are you people doing?!
Randy: We're gentrifying. It's all good.
Scene Description: Park County Community Center, day. Another meeting about this project.
Randy: Okay, hold on, everyone listen up! We understand that not everyone is for the town spending money on the SoDoSoPa project. We want everyone to be able to voice their concerns. [Only the McCormicks are present]
Stuart: [stands up] Yeah I got concerns! I don't want you touching my damn house!
Johnson: We realize that when a rejuvenation like this takes place, the lower-income residents fear they'll be priced out of the area.
Stuart: What lower-income residents?! Me?! I work hard and provide for my family just fine!
Randy: Stuart, come on. Your house sucks.
Stuart: Fuck you! If you people wanna turn somethin' into a vibrant arts district, then do it to Randy's house!
Randy: My house is nice.
Aide: Mr. McCormick, you will be living in the most vibrant part of the entire town. SoDoSoPa is the future of South Park.
Johnson: There will be amazing food and incredible shops right at your doorstep.
Mayor McDaniels: And we want to assure the lower-income families that we are going to take the time to do this right.
Scene Description: The SodoSoPa project is now complete, and a new eatery is shown. The Broflovskis and the Stotches are having dinner together
Waiter: Alright guys, welcome to Steed. Do we have any allergies?
Stephen: No, nothing. And we we wanna try everything! [Det. Harris and Officer Barbrady are dining at another table]
Det. Harris: Wow, can you believe this place?
Officer Barbrady: Yeah, the food is unbelievable. [Randy and Nelson are at the bar]
Randy: It's like a dream come true, Nelson. This area is gonna put our town on the map. [the camera pulls back and Steed is shown on the second floor of a mall that has been built on the McCormick house. A narrow entrance between the house and the garage leads to a patio where the backyard used to be, and there are more shops beyond that. Stuart steps outside and dumps his garbage in an aluminum trash can]
Scene Description: City Wok, night. It's empty, and Tuong Lu Kim reflects on the changes in his business. He's smoking and holds a cup in his left hand while ambient Oriental music plays
Tuong Lu Kim: I don't know what happen all my customers. I used to have a-people come in here, fill every table. Now it's like a-nobody want anything to do with my authentic shitty food. This town is changing so fast, you know? [a lone man sits by the window eating dinner. There are no other customers] This town is changing so fast, everybody wan be PC, be updated. It's like I'm a reric. A rost reric from another time. You know? I dunno, sometime I feel like I outstayed my welcome. Is just how I feel, you know?
Diner: Uh huh.
Tuong Lu Kim: It's like a-my accent make people uncomftable or something. How a Chinese man is supposed to survive in this world? [the door opens] Oh, welcome oh Shitty Wok, a take ur order prease?
Man: [turns left and walks up to the diner] Hey Mike, whatcha doin' man? The guys are all meetin' down at SoDoSoPa.
Mike: At what?
Man: They've totally revitalized this area south of Downtown, you've gotta check it out! [turns and walks out]
Mike: Oh sweet, dude. [gets up and follows his friend out the door]
Tuong Lu Kim: SoDoSoPa? What the hell is a SoDoSoPa?
Scene Description: SodoSoPa, moments later. Tuong Lu Kim arrives to see the place for himself
Tuong Lu Kim: What the fuuuck!
Scene Description: SodoSoPa, Kenny's house. All the family is in the living room, bored as the music thumps away around them
Karen: Mommy, can we go eat outside?
Carol: No, we can't go eat outside.
Karen: But Mommy, they have ice cream. [points outside]
Stuart: We can't afford $10 ice cream, alright?! If you want nice things, then go out and get a JOB! Except you won't make MONEY! [Karen gets off the sofa with her head down and goes to her room] Because you just BUST your ASS and then barely get by while everyone around you gets RICHER! [Kenny glares at his dad, then gets up and follows Karen] Just face it: things are never gonna change around here.
Scene Description: The Mayor's office, next day. The mayor and a bunch of townsfolk are waiting on Randy, who's at the desk about to place a call
Johnson: What's he gonna say?
Fr. Maxi: Maybe they won't even answ- [the Mayor shushes them both as Randy waits for a pickup]
Randy: Hi, um, yes, my name is Randy Marsh, and um, we would like to try and get a Whole Foods in our town? ... Yes, that's right. Aaah, yes, it's ah, South Park, Colorado. Nonononono! Nononononono! [continues this for some time] It's not at all what you think! Yes, it's where the Presidential candidate is from-Nonononono! Nononononono! Hold on! Hold on, hold on! SoDoSoPa! SoDoSoPa! We have a SoDoSoPa and the town is completely different! SoDoSoPa! We have an arts and entertainment district! Cultural! Yes. Okay. Okay, yes, I, I understand. Thank you. [hangs up and gathers his thoughts] They said they maybe might send over a representative. [a moment later everyone cheers. Randy hugs the Mayor.]
Scene Description: First commercial, montage of live-action scenes
Voice: [Deep] There's a certain quality, vibe, and energy that is SoDoSoPa. From the independent merchants and unique cafes to the rustic charm of a mixed-income crowd. [the camera pans to Kenny and Stuart, who are annoyed. A couple is dancing at Savor the Goodness as Kevin and Karen look on through a window. Their mom comes up and pulls the blinds down, then back to live action] Where else can you let loose your wild side while still being a part of helping the local economy? [a shot of the whole family looking out at the diners. The parents are mad] And now, a chance to own a piece of this most exciting area of South Park. Announcing: the Lofts at SoDoSoPa. Two thousand square foot of flats that will put you right in the heart of it all. After a night out eating and shopping in SoDoSoPa, just take a few steps and you're home. With modern styling these lofts are sleek, sexy, and oh so SoDoSoPa. And for those very privileged few, the most private and exclusive ownership opportunity is here. Announcing the Residences at the Lofts at SoDoSoPa. Now you can have access to luxury refined while still just steps away from the action. These finely appointed residences all feature state-of-the art finishes and balconies with views of historic Kenny's house. It's a place to laugh. It's a place to gather. A place to mingle with people of all economic classes. And now, it's a place to live. SoDoSoPa. Welcome Home.
Scene Description: South Park, day. Kenny walks down a sidewalk and notices a sign asking for help - child help. He takes it from the window and enter City Wok with it
Tuong Lu Kim: And we are going to take a-business back from a-SoDoSoPa! [notices Kenny with the sign] Ah, hello, you here for job? Prease join the others prease. [he already has a crew of seven kids. Kenny joins the crew] Some say I cannot survive in today's world. But if there's one asset that a Chinese man has, it's the tactical use of a child rabor. And together, child rabor force, we are gong to bring a SoDoSoPa to its knees.
Scene Description: Morning in South Park. New signs are being put up to replace aging ones in Downtown, walls are being painted, flowers bought. Tom is cleaning the windows at his rhinoplasty office, and the town gathers in front of Tom's Rhinoplasty. Bleachers are in place, and the kids take up seats in them
Mayor McDaniels: This is it, people! This is what we've all been working for! The future of our town depends on us being on our best behavior! No swearing, no weirdness, and no speeches! [everyone looks at Kyle, who motions as if to say something]
Johnson: He's coming!
Mayor McDaniels: Go! go! Everyone in place! [all the adults gather by Tom's Rhinoplasty]
Townsman: Oh look! [a female conductor leads the kids in a rendition of "He's Got The Whole World In His Hands" A car pulls up and a Whole Foods Market representative steps out. At this point, the song ends]
Mayor McDaniels: [approaches] Hello, sir. On behalf of everyone here in South Park, please let me say we are very excited to be in consideration-
Whole Foods rep: [ignores her] Everyone, please go about your business! I need to see this town in its normal goings on, to see if it is indeed a Whole Foods town.
Scene Description: City Wok, day. Mr. Kim's child laborers are hard at work cleaning up the restaurant. A girl is up on a ladder cleaning one of the lanterns
Tuong Lu Kim: [comes in from the left side] Okay, rooking good, child rabor force. [claps three times] We gonna make a Shitty Wok an updated and a beautiful. [heads back towards the kitchen and sings]
Tuong Lu Kim: [comes in from the left side] Okay, rooking good, child rabor force. [claps three times] We gonna make a Shitty Wok an updated and a beautiful. [heads back towards the kitchen and sings] Let's go child rabor force, let's go! [returns to the dining area] No no, Dennis, you don't use a too much cleaner on the table. That stuff expensive. Now risten everybody! This is a big day! We gonna take the business back from a-SoDoSoPa! And how we gonna do it, child rabor force?! That's right, by taking pride in our work! With the way this prace is looking, we gonna have people rushing in any second!
Man 2: [voice only] Okay, everyone go about your business.
Tuong Lu Kim: Oh! Here they come!
Man 3: [voice only] Everyone act normal. No, don't act normal, act good!
Tuong Lu Kim: There they go. [runs to the entrance] Wait, wait! [runs outside] Shitty Wok! Take ur order prease?! Take ur- [quiet voice, as no one comes back] Take ur order ... prease? [a different camera angle shows a Red Lobster across the street from City Wok and Skeeter's Bar and Cocktails down the road.]
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The Mayor gives the Whole Foods representative a tour of the school
Mayor McDaniels: The previous principal of the school was let go so that someone more progressive could take over.
PC Principal: [stands up] Hey bro, I'm the new principal of the school. My name's PC Principal.
Whole Foods rep: P.C. Principal. I like that. So you've just recently moved here?
PC Principal: That's right.
Whole Foods rep: And do you believe this town is deserving of a Whole Foods?
PC Principal: You know, I think it's changed a lot. I really do. I've seen some real progress. Definitely had some holdouts - people who went kicking and screaming into 2015, but yes, I think they deserve it.
Whole Foods rep: Mmmmm-hm. [turns around] Show me a classroom please.
Scene Description: Mr. Garrison's former classroom, Fourth Grade, moments later. A new female teacher is giving the class a lesson. she's sitting on a stool and shows the class some pictures from an open book.
Teacher: But if Pluto isn't a planet, who can tell me what it is? [the door opens and the Mayor and representative walk in] Oh, hello.
Mayor McDaniels: This is our new fourth-grade teacher. She's very normal and professional.
Whole Foods rep: Please continue as if I am not here.
Teacher: Okay, so uhh children, anyone wanna tell me what Pluto is classified as? [the Whole Foods Rep walks across the floor towards the windows] Anybody? Okay. [the Whole Foods Rep walks back] Well, Pluto is actually a dwarf planet. [Kyle and Stan look at each other] That means it's neither a planet nor a natural satellite, okay?
Whole Foods rep: [to the Mayor] Is there a reason why the children with disabilities and black child are front and center? ["...like the moon. Who can tell me how big the moon is?"]
Mayor McDaniels: Oh no, that's just where they always sit, next to our beloved Craig there, who is a homosexual. [Craig hears this and looks at her angrily. "Is it bigger? Smaller? Anyone wanna take a guess"]
Whole Foods rep: Mmmmm-hm.
Mayor McDaniels: Uh, can, can I show you the most exciting part of town?
Scene Description: SoDoSoPa, day. The place is bustling, as usual. The Mayor and the Whole Foods Rep arrive to have a look
Mayor McDaniels: This is historic SoDoSoPa. It's our vibrant and charming arts and foods district. [Kenny is shown coming home from school. He opens the door, sees them, goes inside, and slams the door shut]
Whole Foods rep: Hmmm, I enjoy how you've retained the lower-income housing with the updated and quaint urban developments.
Mayor McDaniels: That's really what our town is about. [Randy arrives with Stephen]
Randy: Oh, hello again. Stephen and I were just heading to SoDoSoPa to enjoy some specialty foods. [the Whole Foods Rep turns around and looks at the vast open area across the street, and begins to survey it. Randy nudges Stephen a few times]
Whole Foods rep: Hmmm. I have seen enough for today. I am weary. Where shall I sleep?
Mayor McDaniels: Oh yes, of course, uh...
Randy: Uh, well, tonight, you're at our Motel 6. But, we'd like to show you the plans for something extremely exciting.
Scene Description: Second commercial
Voice: You can't say "excitement" without saying "SoDoSoPa." The food, the art, the nightlife. With the Lofts and Residences at SoDoSoPa all the action was just a few steps away. But what if you could actually live in the most central location that SoDoSoPa has to offer? Well, now you can. Announcing: the Villas at Kenny's House. The most sought-after address in all of South Park for only the very privileged few. Now you can relax in your state-of-the-art deck spa while taking in views of that mixed SoDoSoPa culture. [a view of the back of Kenny's house. Stuart and Carol are fighting, and the new neighbors can see it]
Stuart: Shut your damn mouth, bitch!
Carol: You shut your mouth or I'll shut-
Voice: But that's not all. The Villas at Kenny's house will also feature access to a private fitness center, clubhouse, and so much more. Plus a breezeway to the proposed Whole Foods just steps away. [PROPOSED WHOLE FOODS NOT YET CONFIRMED] The Villas at Kenny's House. Welcome Home.
Scene Description: City Wok, night. Tuong Lu Kim sighs and works the cash register. He counts the day's earnings. Before him is Kenny, the one kid left after the day is done, mopping the floor
Tuong Lu Kim: Hey, that's okay. We close. All the other child labor go home.
Kenny: [stops mopping] (I just wanna make sure I get the floors as clean as I can.)
Tuong Lu Kim: I like you, Dennis. You work a real hard. [hands Kenny a dollar] I wish I could give you more. You deserve more. [walks over to a window] But I think I'm gonna have to shut down. Now that a SoDoSoPa open, I'm the shitty part of town. And everyone hates the shitty part of town.
Kenny: (Yeah. I know what you mean.)
Tuong Lu Kim: Oh, what do you know about living in the shitty part of town, Dennis?
Kenny: [drops the mop] (Hey, I have an idea.)
Tuong Lu Kim: You have idea?
Kenny: (I actually do!)
Tuong Lu Kim: Oh! That's the spirit! Let's go child rabor! [clap clap clapclapclap] Let's go child rabor! [they both clap clap clapclapclap]
Scene Description: A ranch in South Park, day. The the rancher, Mayor, and Whole Foods Rep stand behind a fence
Whole Foods rep: So these are the cattle that the local shops and restaurants are supplied with.
Rancher: Uh... these are local cows, yes.
Whole Foods rep: And where does the butchery take place?
Rancher: Uh, that's right over there. [a ranch hand shoots a cow in the head, killing it on the spot]
Whole Foods rep: And are the bullets made from reclaimed metals?
Mayor McDaniels: I believe they are. Rancher, could you make sure?
Fr. Maxi: Randy, Stephen, we've got a big problem! The owner of City Wok has child labor making videos for him!
Richard: What??
Randy: Oh Jesus! We forgot all about that guy!
Bob: [sees the Whole Foods Rep turn around and nudges Randy] Shhh!
Fr. Maxi: It's all over the place. He's tryin' to revitalize his rundown neighborhood! [the Mayor follows the rep's gaze]
Randy: God, why do the economically challenged always have to screw up everything?! [turns around to face the Mayor] We're gonna head back to SoDoSoPa for some curious fusion delights. [turns around and leads the other three men away] Come on, we'll get that asshole!
Scene Description: Third commercial
Tuong Lu Kim: There's a new and exciting prace where people can gather to shop, experience and grow. This is an all-new food and nightrife district. This, is CtPaTown. Where else but CtPaTown can you get all the shitty hot spots and shitty food that South Park is known for? In the mood for some local seafood? Red Robster has all the freshest from Colorado's many oceans. Or if a handcrafted ale is more your thing, head on down to Skeeter's Bar for local ales like a Coors and a Coors Rite. And then, of course, there's Shitty Wok, South Park's historic Asian fusion randmark, featuring Shitty Chicken and Shitty Sour Soup. The state-of-the-art toiret is designed for men and women [just a regular toilet and bathroom. No urinal] and is a great prace for you to squeeze out all the shitty food you've enjoyed. Now South Park has another neighborhood to mingle and rerax. CtPaTown. Welcome Home.
Scene Description: City Wok, day. Mr. Kim has all his workers there, waiting for the doors to open
Tuong Lu Kim: Oh boy, get ready child rabor force! Any minute now, we gonna have a-customers up our ass!
Townfolk: Get him! There he is! That son of a bitch! Get him! Stop him!
Tuong Lu Kim: Oh boy, here they come! [turns to Kenny] You were right, Dennis! CtPaTown commercial did the trick! [heads back to the counter and turns around] Get ready for customers, child rabor force! [the adults rush in and fan out] Welcome Shitty Wok, take your order PREASE. [Fr. Maxi takes Tuong Lu Kim, Officer Barbrady takes Kenny]
Kenny: (What. The. Fuck?!) [the other adults take the rest of the kids. They all rush out of the restaurant]
Randy: Alright, take these kids and hide them in the-
Kenny: (Come on, dude, I've gotta make some money!)
Randy: Ow! You little-! [kicks Kenny down]
Girl: Get him! [a massive fight breaks out between the adults and the child labor force]
Tuong Lu Kim: Fight, child rabor force! Swing to the reft!
Whole Foods rep: [shows up with the Mayor and clears his throat] Ahem, ahem! [all the fighting stops and Mayor McDaniels is dismayed at this bad behavior. The adults put the kids down and smile, the kids stay as they are] I've never seen a town put so much energy into displaying an exaggerated sense of social consciousness. Congratulations, you have your Whole Foods. [the adults cheer and disperse.]
Tuong Lu Kim: Wait wait, anybody want a Shitty Chicken?? Anybody?? Take ur order prease??? [jumps a few times in frustration, then sighs] I'm sorry, Dennis. You rearry tried to help. I guess it's over. Come on inside. I'll pay you the child labor wage you deserve.
Scene Description: Kenny's house at SoDoSoPa. Kenny goes home after work. He goes inside his house and passes by the TV, which is showing Hee Haw. The picture tends to flicker between color and black and white
Stuart: [cynically] Well? Did you make any money?
Kenny: [stops and looks down] (No, I didn't make any money.) [continues to the bedrooms]
Stuart: Ha, told ya! That's how it works in this damned country.
Scene Description: A bedroom. Kenny opens the door and looks in. Karen, who is sharing the room with Kevin, sits up in her bed and looks at Kenny
Karen: [whispers as Kenny goes to her bed] What are you doing, Kenny? [Kenny takes off his backpack and opens it, pulling out a blonde Mama Baby doll. He hands it to her and she gasps in anticipation] Wow! This is mine?
Kenny: [pats her knee] (It's yours, Karen.) [closes his backpack and puts it on, then leaves the bedroom. He stops to look at Karen take the doll out of its box]
Karen: Hi. [Kenny closes the door and goes to his own room. He drops the backpack on the floor and goes straight to bed. Life outside at SoDoSoPa bustles on, with the thumping music.]
Scene Description: Fourth commercial. City Wok is still here, but something new is next to it. It's the Whole Foods Market, which shows that CtPaTown got the store, not SoDoSoPa. The Stotches approach the store. A worker turns a sign around so that customers know the store is open. The Blacks are inside checking out loaves of bread. Officer Barbrady has purchased some meat at the meat counter. Gerald is walking a dog while Sheila pulls Ike around in a Radio Flyer. Kyle helps out. A young man passes Dr. Mephesto on a bike and waves hi to him. Darryl Weathers passes in front of Liane on his own bike. They wave hello to each other, smiling. Randy carries Stan, who is pointing out something to him
Voice: There's a time when a town becomes more than it was. [Someone pours himself some coffee. Butters and Linda look at cakes. Mr. Mackey is chatting with the Mayor] When the people take that bold step into making things better. [a bearded worker glances at the camera. Craig points out some deli meats to him mom] To progress. [a shot of two child workers and their mother] To change. [another child worker and his parents] To not be what you were in the past. [a boy and his parents. Wendy glides by on her skateboard] This is a new place, ready for the next decade. [Sharon and Linda walk out with groceries] Updated, revitalized, [Kenny opens his front door and looks out. SoDoSoPa is abandoned, its signs falling down] and ready to fit in with the most progressive towns in America. [PC Principal lowers his Oakleys a bit and nods at the camera] This... is South Park. [a shot of the Mayor and Randy, with a few families, facing the camera at Whole Foods. Cartman and Kyle are in the background] Welcome Home.
Cartman: Are the Mexicans actually staying?
Kyle: Shhhh.


Scene Description: Morning in CtPaTown, renamed Shi Tpa Town. A bright sun rises over City Foods. People mill around all over the area. The Stotches walk past Skeeter's Wine Bar while the Tuckers, without Craig, walk towards Whole Foods. In the parking area in front of the store two old friends greet each other
Gerald: Mornin' Randy!
Randy: Mornin' Ger! Just another day in paradise, huh?
Gerald: Yeah. Look at all the new restaurants the Whole Foods has brought in. [turns around and points at the restaurant behind them.] Let's try out that one there. [they walk towards it and reach the entrance. A greeter awaits them]
Scene Description: (vernacular)
Randy: Hi. Two of us. please?
Greeter: Yeah, sorry guys. we got about a thirty minute wait.
Gerald: [switches places with Randy] Oh, uh, scuse me. [whispers into the greeter's ear]
Greeter: Yes, sir, give me a second; I'll have a table right away. [rolls his eyes and walks off]
Randy: Whoa, what'd you say to him?
Gerald: I just... told him who I am.
Randy: Who are you?
Gerald: [whips out his phone and shows Randy the Yelp app] I'm a yelp reviewer. I usually keep it on the down-low so they don't kiss my ass too much.
Greeter: [returns and gets two menus] Right over here, sir. [takes them to their seats]
Waiter: Alright guys, welcome to (vernacular)
Gerald: Thanks, uh, did they mention to you that I am a Yelper?
Waiter: Yes, we've been alerted. Sir.
Gerald: Greeeat. Could you have them turn up the lights a little, please? [the waiter goes away]
Randy: Oh, look at it, Gerald. All the new families moving in. [a new Mexican restaurant - Nueva Familia - is having its grand opening across the street] Our little town is all grown up. [Nueva Familia, across the street. A family-run restaurant. A boy sweeps up in the kitchen as his mother prepares some tacos on the griddle. His father rushes in.]
Mr. Rodriguez: Where's that other taco plate? We need it now.
Mrs. Rodriguez: I'm a little overwhelmed.
Mr. Rodriguez: I know. But we've put everything into moving here and starting this business, and we have to be impressive. [walks up to the boy and gets down on one knee] David, you must help your mama however you can. We're not going back to that miserable place!
Mr. Rodriguez: I don't wanna go back either.
Mrs. Rodriguez: Okay, done.
Mr. Rodriguez: Great! [rises and goes for the plates] We really have to impress this customer. He's a local food critic. [rushes the plates out to the dining area]
Mrs. Rodriguez: Another one?
Scene Description: The dining area. Cartman is eating away. Before him are three plates. One has two burritos, the second has two tacos and some chips and guacamole, the third has two enchiladas which he hasn't touched yet. Ambient Mexican music plays
Mr. Rodriguez: [rushes to his table with two plates of food] Okay, here you go, amigo! Another taco plate and the taquitos.
Cartman: Oh, thank you. And, uh did I mention I am a food critic for Yelp?
Mr. Rodriguez: Yes, you mentioned that several times.
Cartman: Okay, I just didn't want you caught off-guard. [whips out his phone] I was thinking of giving this place 5 stars.
Mr. Rodriguez: Really?
Cartman: [wiping his mouth clean with his napkin] Yeah, but I'm kind of teetering on 5 stars or 1 star.
Mr. Rodriguez: Ohnono. No 1 star, please. What could we do to-?
Cartman: Ah I mean, I could probably be persuaded with some free desserts.
Mr. Rodriguez: Let me get that for you.
Cartman: Great, and can you turn down the music a bit? [taps his left ear a few times] This pagan shit hurts my ears.
Mr. Rodriguez: Of course! [turns around and hurries away. A spritz is heard, and the camera shows David wiping down a table. Cartman notices]
Cartman: Oh hey, hey busboy. Busboy busboy, por favor. [snaps his fingers and whistles] Busboy!
Davíd: My name is David. (Dah-veed)
Cartman: Ehexcuse me?
Davíd: I said my name is David. (Dah-veed)
Cartman: Uhh, it's actually pronounced "David," okay?
Davíd: Well, I'm "David." (Dah-veed)
Cartman: It's "David," dude. Look it up.
Mr. Rodriguez: [comes out with a flan and a sundae on a plate] What's going on? Do not argue, son. We need him. [walks to Cartman's table and sets the desserts down] Here you are, a few free desserts. [the front door opens and some bells are heard] Ho, excuse me. More customers! [goes away]
Male food critic: [enters with his wife] Hi, two of us for lunch, please.
Mr. Rodriguez: Yes, right away!
Male food critic: Oh, and uh, I just wanted to mention that my wife and I are Yelp reviewers, so uh, your best table, please.
Mr. Rodriguez: Oh Jeez, you guys too, huh? Ho-kay, uhm, I'll get you set up right over here, okay? [takes them past Cartman, who casts a critical eye]
Cartman: Mmmhmmm! [The father takes them to a booth near Cartman]
Male food critic: Hm, this place seems, nice.
Female food critic: I guess we'll see.
Male food critic: D'I guess we'll see, won't we?
Cartman: Oh God, now everyone thinks they're a food critic.
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, hallway, day. Cartman puts his books in his locker and walks away when Butters catches him
Butters: Did you get 'em? Did you get 'em? Did you get 'em? Huh?
Cartman: [wearing a T-shirt that says "WARNING: YELP critic" on the front] Here you go. [takes a bag out of his back pocket and hands it to Butters]
Butters: Whoooaaa. [opens the bag and begins eating what's inside.]
Cartman: Crispy risotto bites from Olive Garden.
Butters: How do you do it, Eric?
Cartman: I'm a restaurant critic, Butters. I get whatever I want.
Butters: Jeeeeezzz. [a second later, Kyle walks by with David]
Kyle: So the cafeteria's back that way, and most of the classrooms are this way, down the-.
Cartman: EEWW. [Kyle and David face him] What's the busboy doing here?
Kyle: Davíd is new to our school.
Cartman: Oh, cool. Are you gonna clean the tables here too? How do you get to school? [mimics a boy on a bicycle] Do you ride your tiny bicicleta? Huh?
Kyle: Shut up.
Cartman: Look amigo, I'm sorry I only gave your parents' restaurant 2 stars, but it could have been worse.
Davíd: Why'd you only give them 2 stars?
Cartman: I'm sorry, but the food totally messed my stomach up. The morning after I ate it I went to the bathroom and my poop was all solid. Like no water at all.
Kyle: It's not supposed to have water you-!
Cartman: It was like this one solid piece that I had to... push out my asshole. It was like being raped from the inside. Your parents' restaurant just wasn't up to my standards, David.
Davíd: David. (Dah-veed)
Cartman: David.
Davíd: Dah-víd.
Cartman: David.
Davíd: Dah-víííd.
Cartman: David David David David! I can update this to a 1-star review in two seconds, dude. [David turns around and walks away. Kyle turns around, looks at Cartman, and follows David away. A few second later Cartman relaxes] ...Oohhhh God I love being a restaurant critic.
Scene Description: The Broflovski house, day, Gerald's den. Gerald is typing away at his computer. To help him focus on his work, he plays some opera music and smokes a pipe
Gerald's review: And yet, there was more. For in this crisp time when autumn begins to fade, the chef brings chicken in habanero, and even adds habanero powder to the crust. But the heat is restrained. You experience the fruity, delicious flavor of this without any spicy pain. I don't need any more pain. Hell, does anyone?
Sheila: [appears at the den doorway with Ike] Gerald! We're going to the park. You wanna come along?
Gerald: Sorry honey, this review for Applebee's has turned into a fifty-pager. And then I have a polish on Ruby Tuesday's.
Sheila: Why don't you take a break from Yelping, Gerald? You seem a little overwhelmed.
Gerald: [leans back on his chair] I am, overwhelmed. Sometimes I don't know what I've gotten myself into. But now everyone relies on my Yelp reviews and I... I don't wanna let anyone down.
Sheila: Well there's chicken in the fridge if you get hungry.
Gerald: Thanks, but I, I've gotta Yelp a new place in CtPaTown tonight. [leans forward a bit] God I'm so damned tired.
Sheila: Okay. Have fun.
Gerald: [to himself]Ha, "fun," she says.
Gerald's review: In finality, I will say that my experience at Applebee's was sublime and my treatment near that of a gladiator most decorated. But the street parking wasn't that great. Two and a half stars.
Gerald: [satisfied with his review Gerald leans back in his chair again commenting to himself] Yes.
Scene Description: The school cafeteria, day. Wendy walks by with a new classmate. Cartman is on his phone while the boys around him go about eating their lunches
Wendy: Come on, Liza, I'll introduce you to the girls.
Butters: Well aren't you eatin' lunch, Eric?
Cartman: Uhuh, I'm a food critic, Butters, okay? I can't just eat cafeteria food.
Tuong Lu Kim: O-okay, Here you are sir! There's orange-peel chicken, some uh shity beef, and uh shitty egg roll!
Kyle: Are you joking?!
Cartman: Well, you are a little late, like, I dunno, maybe only [emphasis] 1 star late.
Tuong Lu Kim: Oh no! No 1 star, prease! You Uelpers are kriwing me! Okay, you no pay! You no pay, prease!
Cartman: Sounds good. Now get the fuck out of here.
Tuong Lu Kim: Yes yes. I get the fuck out. Thank you! [hurries away]
Butters: Wow! Well you're pretty important, Eric.
Kyle: He's not important. At. All.
Cartman: Yes, no no, you you're right, Kyle. I'm not important. Oh, hey David, I was just wondering, um, how do you get to school? Do you... ride your tiny bicicleta? Eh?
Stan: Stop it.
Cartman: What? I just want to hear him say "Sí, me ride me tiny bicicleta to schooool."
Davíd: Sí, me ride me teeny bicicleta to school.
Cartman: [laughs] That's awesome! [turns around on the bench] I'm gonna go out to recess. Will you bus this for me, David. Thanks. [leaves the table. David leaves his seat]
Kyle: Ah, [facepalm] don't, dude, dude- Don't.
Scene Description: Park County Police Station. Sgt. Yates is at his computer
Barkley: Sir, it's midnight. Go home, get some sleep.
Sgt. Yates: There's no time to sleep when the city's counting on me.
Barkley: More Yelp reviews, sir?
Sgt. Yates: I had a bad experience at Red Lobster and if the people don't know about it, they could too. Folks deserve to know where to eat, Mitch.
Barkley: But does anyone even thank you for it?
Sgt. Yates: I don't need them to. I know they need me, and that's enough.
Barkley: [pats him on the left shoulder] God bless you, sir.
Sgt. Yates: I know. [Barkley walks away]
Scene Description: Whistlin' Willy's Pizza Gulch, established in 1986. A table shows the food critic couple who were in Nueva Familia earlier on, now with their son
Whistlin' Willy: Welcome to Whistlin' Willy's. Y'all enjoyin' your pizza?
Male food critic: Look here, my good man, we've been waiting over 15 minutes for you to sing Happy Birthday to our son!
Female food critic: Unfortunately for you, we are both restaurant critics, and so is our son!
Son: [gets an angry face] 1 star!
Diner 1: Excuse me! Emergency! [Whistlin' Willy rushes over to see what's up] Over here! Emergency! I would like a table. Inside the area with all the little plastic balls please, and make it snappy I am a food critic for Yelp.
Whistlin' Willy: That does it! I've had enough! All you Yelp reviewers get the hell outta here! I don't care what happens to my business! I ain't kissing your asses no more! [moves the male food critic from the table to the double doors on his chair and throws him against the doors] Go on! Every Yelper get the fuck out of here!
Diner 2: Careful now, Bill, you don't want a one-star review.
Whistlin' Willy: You're not a food critic, Dennis! You're a fuckin' mechanic! Now get the fuck out! Go on! All you Yelpin' sons of bitches get the fuck out of here! [Yelpers begin to stream out of the restaurant]
Male food critic: You're gonna regret this, Whistlin' Willy. You can't treat Yelpers this way.
Whistlin' Willy: You get the f- Get the fuck out! [kicks the male food critic in the ass for emphasis as the critic goes out the door.]
Male food critic: AH! [Whistlin' Willy slams the door shut. Gerald shows up a few seconds later]
Gerald: Well, good for you.
Whistlin' Willy: You too, you sonofabitch!
Gerald: Whoa! Hey! [Whistlin' Willy kicks him out too, and Gerald rubs his butt outside]
Scene Description: Shi Tpa Town. Tuong Lu Kim is running around excited about something while David's father sweeps up at Nueva Familia.
Tuong Lu Kim: It's oba! It's oba! [screams some more and approaches Nueva Familia.] You see papaa?! It's oba! [David's father steps outside and Mr. Kim stops him] Whistrin' Wirry! He stand up to the Yelpas! [David's father scans the front page] We don't have to kiss uh their asses anymore! Look! [David's mother comes out to join his father] Everyone is doing the same! [signs go up saying "No Yelpers"] Ha haha. It's ova it's ova! Hey Skeetah, you hear the news?! [He runs off continuing his celebration]
Mr. Rodriguez: [softly] It's a ...miracle. [jubilantly] IT'S A MIRACLE! [he and his wife hug]
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Cartman walks down the hallway humming to himself
Cartman: Hm hm hm the fuck? [notices a small puddle on the floor] Aw, dude, somebody spilled shit on the floor! [notices David at his locker] Hey David, somebody spilled something here. Could you clean this up, por favor? David. [whistles] Over here, there's some shit on the floor. [David closes his locker and turns away] Heyheyhey hey! What's goin' on, man?
Kyle: [arriving] You haven't heard? Nobody gives a fuck what Yelp reviewers think anymore.
Cartman: What are you talking about? I'm the most influential critic in this town. Okay David, forget the spill, just give me one little "My name is David. Me ride me biciceta to schoool"
Davíd: My name... is David. (Dah-veed)[walks off]
Kyle: HA! [walks off as well; confidently]
Cartman: [whips out his phone] Okay, I'm uh I'm updating my review. I'm about to do it. [waits for a comeback but doesn't get one] You'd better say "I ride me bicicleta to school"! [holds up his phone] One star! ... No s-no stars? [no reply. He sighs and tries again] No stars? ... You can't just treat me like I'm nothing... I still know I'm worth something! Come on, guys! [walks away. No one follows him. Seconds later he's back.] Oh yeah, y-you guys stay in school, that's kewl, you guys stay here. [leaves again]
Scene Description: Shi Tpa Town, day. Cartman walks alone by City Wok. He notices a sign there - NO YELPERS. He then walks to Nueva Familia and knocks on the door. David is moving chairs around and stops. Cartman mimics someone riding a bike, and David sticks his middle finger up at him, then turns and walks away. Cartman sighs, turns around, and walks away. He walks right into Butters' house, through the living room, and up into Butters' room. Butters is at his desk drawing a purple car. Cartman sighs
Butters: [noticing] Oh, hey Eric.
Cartman: [hops onto Butters' bed and lays down] It's all over, Butters. Everything I've worked so hard to achieve. All these hack wannabe food critics have made my profession a joke.
Butters: Oh I'm sorry, bud.
Cartman: All these people trying to be like me. And they don't even write about poop consistency the next day.
Butters: Well Eric, you should be proud that people wanna be like you. Ha ah, I mean, you really started something.
Cartman: I guess.
Butters: Well if these people look up to you, maybe, maybe you can sort of, set the record straight and show them the way it's supposed to be done.
Cartman: [sits up] You're right, Butters. Maybe I can actually use all these people somehow to make... real food critics respected again.
Scene Description: Sgt. Yates' house. Yates serves himself some whisky on the rocks while doing more reviews. His wife Maggie walks up to him.
Maggie: Harrison Yates, what's gotten into you?
Yates: That's it, Maggie. I'm hanging it up. If people are gonna be trying all the new restaurants in town they'll... have to do it without my reviews.
Maggie: What are ya talkin' about? You said that protectin' people from bad dinin' experiences was what kept you goin'.
Yates: The restaurants put up signs sayin' I can't come in. I don't know why they singled me out, but it's like, people don't need me. [opens a letter and reads it] Well I'll be damned.
Maggie: What is it?
Yates: Somebody's put a note in the mailbox... asking me to come and talk to them. They do need me. [rises and goes to the coat rack] I need to get goin'.
Maggie: You want me to come along?
Yates: No, they're just asking for me. I guess... [opens the front door] maybe I do have a town to protect. [smiles and leaves]
Scene Description: Cartman's house, Sunday. Cartman is getting refreshments ready for his guests in the living room. Liane walks up to him
Liane: Oh, are you having a party sweetheart?
Cartman: Not a part, Mom. I've invited all the poser food critics over for a meeting.
Liane: Oh, how fun!
Cartman: It's not fun, it's serious. These people think they can do what I do, but they need to be, made to understand the reality. When the Yelpers get here I need you to get lost, okay? Okay, that's them, that's them. Go, get lost, Mom! [she goes away as he walks to the front door. He opens the door and sees a sea of reviewers]
Yelpers: Hello, hi. My name is [they all give their names at the same time] and I'm here for the meeting. [Cartman freezes up]
A reviewer: Is this the right place?
Cartman: Fuuuuuuck! [closes the door and keeps it closed with his back] Mom!
Liane: I'm going, honey.
Cartman: But Mom, there's like a billion people here.
Liane: Oh yes, sweetie, I think quite a few people are Yelp reviewers.
Cartman: Oh, this many people have nothing better to do than write reviews on Yelp?!
Liane: I guess so, honey. Do you need more lemonade?
Cartman: Mom, there's a fucking billion people here! [yes, Yelpers all up and down the block, filling the streets all around. Moments later, he appears at his bedroom window on the second floor, and holds court] Uh, thank you all for coming. My name is Eric, and as you know, us Yelpers are being scrutinized-
A Yelper: COULD YOU SPEAK A LITTLE LOUDER?
Cartman: Yes. Us Yelp critics are being scrutinized.
Other Yelpers: That's right! Yeah!
Cartman: Now, you see, the problem is that when there's too many reviewers, people no longer know who is the real food critic. [Sgt. Yates puffs up his chest, pretty sure that it's him] It's great that you all want to be critics, but we all know who the real food analyst of the town is.
Other Yelpers: That's right. Yeah!
Gerald: [confidently humble] Huh. Oh thanks.
Cartman: Okay. So, as long as there is one clear leader, then the rest of you can just follow. And with this many people all following [holds up index finger] one captain, we can fight to get our power back!
A Yelper: Poweerrrrr Back!
Cartman: So now rise up, and [pounds on the window sill] fight for your leader!! Fight together and show the restaurants that our food critic does matter!
Other Yelpers: Yeah! Let's go! [more cheering from the Yelpers]
Sgt. Yates: Alright, follow me!
Gerald: This way, everyone! [the crowd turns left and moves off]
Scene Description: Whistlin' Willy's Pizza Gulch, day. A mother and son leave, but are still nearby when the crowd of Yelpers arrives and begins destroying the gulch. They then leave quickly. After a barrel is thrown through a window, Willy looks up to see what's going on
Scene Description: News 4 segment
Anchor Tom: Another local business is closing its doors tonight after being taken down by Yelp reviewers. Whistlin' Willy's, a child favorite in town, was destroyed and its owner stripped and beheaded. The following video is graphic. [a crowd of Yelp reviewers is shown and they are ululating. Two Yelpers bring Whistlin' Willy in front of the camera and hold him there. The crowd continues to ululate]
Whistlin' Willy: No, please! No! Nonono! [the Yelpers pull the mask off his head and show it off to the camera] Awwww. [the ululating continues]
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. "Bad to the Bone" plays as the school bell rings. Cartman walks down the hallway as a Big Critic on Campus, while in voice over he is singing the words. The other kids either hold their hands up or hold themselves a little tighter as Cartman walks to the tune of "Bad To The Bone." He's met by a group of boys led by Kyle.
Kyle: We all... loved... Whistlin' Willy's!
Cartman: [just shrugs] It didn't do well with Yelpers.
Token: You assholes destroyed the best place in town because they wouldn't kiss your asses!
Cartman: Oh come on, admit it. The food sucked.
Kyle: Nobody went for the fucking food!
Cartman: Look, I'm sorry goys, but Whistlin' Willy failed to recognize the influence someone like me has on their business. Now, I just have one question for you, David. Do you ride... your teeny, tiny, bicicleta... to school?
Davíd: Si. Me ride me teeny bicicleta to school. [turns around and walks away. Kyle flashes an angry look at Cartman, then watches Davíd leave]
Kyle: [gets in Cartman's face] You're done! [turns around and walks away with the remaining boys]
Cartman: Yeah, I'm done! I'm now the leader of thousands of people! They all hang on my every word! [softly] And I'm gonna use my power to finally get what this town really needs.
Scene Description: The Broflovski house, day, Gerald's den. Gerald is typing away at his computer, with music and pipe, as before.
Gerald's review: I found the wait staff at Red Lobster to be rude, and barely even acknowledging who I was. Or what I meant to this city.
Sheila: [appears at the doorway with Ike] Gerald, I'm taking Ike to clown school. You care to joing us?
Gerald: I can't, honey. I'm now the leader of thousands of people. They all hang on my every word. And I'm going to use my power to finally get what this town really needs. [Sheila and Ike just walk away]
Scene Description: Shi Tpa Town. The peace and quiet of the morning is disrupted by semiautomatic gunfire. Yelpers run into the area, and a bomb goes off behind Dee's Meats. Another News 4 segment
Reporter: For the fifth day in a row, historic Shi Tpa Town is under siege by Yelp reviewers. The restaurants are still refusing to be intimidated. and the Yelp reviewers are- [quickly ducks as the gunfire hits very close to him] -and the Yelp reviewers are preparing for all-out war. [real war footage is shown] The angry Yelp reviewers are demanding special treatment at all city restaurants. They claim that as local food critics they deserve respect and that all who oppose them will suffer. The online restaurant critics are getting ready to bring businesses to their knees, and some are already closing their doors. [Nueva Familia is shown...]
Reporter: One local restaurant worker actually called out the Yelp critics' leader.
David: I guess you win, huh, big shot?! If you really are any kind of important to anybody, then get your bullshit food critic ass to the south of town and face me! Because you aren't a food critic, and you aren't important! [Sgt. Yates looks at the screen in the police station] And unless you're a chicken, I'll see you south of town! [Yates walks into his office and gets his coat]
Barkley: Where are you going, sir?
Sgt. Yates: You heard him. Little Mexican kid called me out. [shows his gun, then places it back in its holster] If he wants to fight me, that's fine.
Barkley: You need backup sir?
Sgt. Yates: No, he's just calling me out. [turns and walks out]
Barkley: God bless you sir.
Sgt. Yates: I know!
Scene Description: The south of town, a big meadow or park on the outskirts of town. David marches towards the meeting point. Kyle runs up to catch him
Kyle: David! Dude, wait! [Kyle is next to him now] Dude, you don't wanna do this. You don't know what Cartman's capable of.
David: Where I come from, we settle things with our fists!
Kyle: But this isn't Mexico.
David: I'm not from Mexico, dude! I'm from Idaho! [Kyle glances away, embarrassed] I'm gonna show this prick how we do things in Boise!
Cartman: Oh, hello David! [Cartman is flanked by hundreds of Helpers]
Kyle: Alright, you've got your army! You've got your followers! If you're such a great leader, then just tell the city what you want, fat-ass!
Gerald: Don't call me fat, son! I'm doing this because they've-
Sgt. Yates: What I want is to be able to lead these fine people with the respect and the dignity-
Yelper 1: I didn't ask to be the leader, I was appointed! You see, I'm extremely important to this town, and I'm not going to be-
Yelper 2: My journey is this town's food- [soon everyone is talking over each other, and David and Kyle just look at each other.]
Yelper 3: You've made these people feel unwanted, and now they look to me for answers.
Gerald: Now here I stand, vulnerable, afraid, and yet willing to do what the people of this-
Male food critic: And so we said "to hell with it!" And we took the challenge to go from the town's food critics to the town's spiritual leaders! What do we want?
Yelper 4: [another woman] People would say "Oh, you're just a food blogger. You're just a tiny voice in the crowd. Well now my voice is heard, and I will-" [her voice melts into the other voices]
Cartman: ...wanted special privileges, but these people think I should have them! Right, guys? Maybe I don't deserve special treatment, but how else can I be the elite food critic they want? [more chatter]
Kyle: [after a few moments] Every person here thinks this is about them.
David: I think I know what to do.
Kyle: Yeah. Me too.
Scene Description: They Mayor's office, day. Mayor McDaniels sits at her desk, with several townsfolk standing behind her. Kyle stands to the right of the desk in a suit. Fanfare plays
Mayor McDaniels: And for all your service to this community, we want to once and for all declare you our most elite food critic. To distinguish you, we present to you... the Golden Badge. [an aide pins the badge on Gerald's coat] Wearing this badge means you will always get the special treatment that you deserve. [Johnson rings a bell and Fr. Maxi hums a short chant]
Gerald: Thank you, Mayor. It's a big responsibility, but I suppose I have to accept. I will do my best to serve this town.
Mayor McDaniels: We know you will. [shows him the exit. He turns right and walks out. Another aide closes the exit door]
Kyle: Okay, bring in the next one.
Mayor McDaniels: Mr. Davis, you have proven yourself a leader. And for all your service to this community, we want to once and for all declare you our most elite food critic. To distinguish you, we present the Golden Badge. [an aide pins the badge on Mr. Davis's coat]
Mr. Davis: [softly] Wwooww.
Mayor McDaniels: Wearing this badge means you will always get the special treatment you deserve. [Johnson rings the bell and Fr. Maxi hums the short chant]
Scene Description: Nueva Familia, day. The signs that showed the restaurant was shutting down are gone; the Grand Opening sign remains
Davíd: Alright, we got all the restaurants to agree to let the Yelpers in and make them feel special.
Mr. Rodriguez: How did you do it, son?
Scene Description: (vernacular), dinnertime. An elite food critic is about to order.
Diner 3: Hi, yes, the steak, please. [points to his golden badge] I'm the uh Yelp elite. [the waiter takes his order to the kitchen and...]
Waiter: Alright, we got a Yelper. Give it that special attention.
Chef: Youuu got it! [puts his finger into his nose and pulls out some boogers, and smears them on the steak.]
Scene Description: Montage. What follows is a series of scenes showing cooks and waiters doing nasty things to Yelpers' dishes, including more boogers on them, masturbating to them, peeing on them, farting on them, etc... Some examples; Mr. Kim masturbating onto a plate of broccoli chicken, then serving it to the food critic couple, and grinning to himself; a Steed chef masturbates onto a plate of thin steaks and gives it to a waiter, who serves it to Sgt. Yates; Gerald finishes a review, then eats crab legs at a fine restaurant. Back at (vernacular), a waiter farts on a salad and gives it to the female food critic. Later, the couple critiques the restaurant's décor to the greeter. Whistlin' Willy serves up three pizzas to three different elite Yelpers. Sgt. Yates is back at the office writing another review.
Lead Singer: So you're one of Yelpers' special blessed. You demand a restaurant's very best. Well they're gonna treat you special, I'm tellin' you, chum. Now get yourself ready for some boogers and cum!
Backup Singers: Boogers and cum.
Lead Singer: That's called the Yelper Special!
Backup Singers: Boogers and cum.
Lead Singer: Say, what's that on your pretzel?
Scene Description: together
Lead Singer: Your online critiques are real useful to some.
Backup Singers: Oooo-oooo-oooo-oooo
Lead Singer: Now have a good time eatin' boogers and cum.
Backup Singers: Boogers and cum.
Lead Singer: Someone farted on your salad.
Backup Singers: Boogers and cum.
Lead Singer: But your décor critiques are valid.
Scene Description: together
Lead Singer: You think you're special, like you're A #1!
Backup Singers: Oooo-oooo-oooo-oooo
Lead Singer: Well there's a whole lot of special in
All Singers: Boogers and cum.
Backup Singers: Boogers and cum.
Lead Singer: How 'bout some feces with your flounder?
Backup Singers: Boogers and cum.
Lead Singer: You like that queefy quarter pounder?
Scene Description: together
Diner 4: What's that spice that feels tangy on my tongue?
Backup Singers: Oooo-oooo-oooo-oooo
Waiter 2: Oh that's a yuzu pepper [to himself] along with some boogers and cum
Scene Description: At the school cafeteria
Davíd: Here you are, sir.
Cartman: Why thank you, David. That's good service.
Davíd: I will bring you food every day, my friend.
Cartman: Mmmm, is that a jalapeño cream sauce?
Davíd: Yes. My father made it just for youuu.
Cartman: Hmmm. It's tart, but savory.
Backup Singers: Boogers and cum.
Scene Description: Back to random shots
Lead Singer: Bein' a food critic's easy!
Backup Singers: Boogers and cum.
Lead Singer: Oh, you feel a little queasy?
Scene Description: together
Lead Singer: Do you need a diagnosis? Well doctor's got one.
Backup Singers: Oooo-oooo-oooo-oooo
Dr. Doctor: Your stomach seems to be filled with boogers and cum.
Backup Singers: Boogers and cum.
Lead Singer: Piss in your potatoes.
Backup Singers: Boogers and cum.
Lead Singer: Some guy shit on your tomatoes. Alright, fancy food critic, looks like you've won. Now please enjoy all the boohoohoogers. Boohoohoohoohoohoogers. Aaannnddd. Cuuuuuuuuuummmmmmmm!
Backup Singers: Boogers and cum!