Scene Description: The Beijing Olympics Opening Ceremonies. The flag of the People's Republic of China flaps over the Bird's Nest, aka the National Stadium
Announcer: Welcome to the televised broadcast of the Olympic Opening Ceremonies from Beijing. [fireworks enter the stadium and the drum roll begins. The drummers are bent over their drums as lights in the drums flash on and off] Thousands of Chinese performers playing ancient Chinese drums. [the roll ends in a wave of drummers standing up straight and not drumming] The precision of their movements made even more impressive by their massive numbers. [all the drummers strike their drums at once and the light display resumes]
Scene Description: Cartman's room, night. Cartman isn't having a peaceful dream
Cartman: [dreaming about being at the Opening Ceremonies] No! The Chinese, no! Somebody has to stop them! [The stadium lights come up and the drummers resume their drumming. Cartman is getting restless] No! No!
Liane: [knocks on his door] Eric? Sweetie, are you having nightmares about the Chinese again?
Cartman: [talking in his sleep] They're gonna... take over the world! HAA! [The drummers start up again] Too many of them. [Cartman now dreams of walking among the drummers] No! Leave us alone! [The drummers strike solidly on their drums, and Cartman now finds himself bouncing on the drums as they rise and fall under him] Nooo! [Four different groups of Chinese Olympians surround him. Cartman wakes from his nightmare and checks his face to be sure he's not dreaming] Damn it no! No!
Liane: [quickly enters the room, turns on the light and comes to his side] Sweetiekins, are you all right?
Cartman: Mom. Mom, the Chinese are gonna get me!
Liane: [consoles him] No, sweetie, the Chinese aren't going to get you.
Cartman: [sobbing] They are so! There's two billion of them and their economy is getting better and with all their advances in technology they're gonna bring down America!
Scene Description: The bus stop, day. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny await the bus. Cartman walks up and stands between Kyle and Kenny.
Cartman: [being serious] All right. Guys, we need to talk. [no response from the other three] You know, uh we can all just pretend... that we didn't see those opening ceremonies but, the Chinese... are very real. We've gotta do something. [the other boys stay silent] Are we just gonna pretend America is going to be okay? Are we just going to... wait until they've taken over the world?
Kyle: [steps forward, away from the others] I'm sorry. [holds his palms up and out, then shakes them as if to hold off something] I I'm sorry, I can't do this. [then lowers them] I'm not doing this. [walks off to his right]
Stan: [stops Kyle in his tracks just by saying] Kyle, you're supposed to tell Cartman he's being racist or something?
Kyle: Yeah he's an idiot but uh I'm sorry, I just... I can't do this anymore, okay? I... I can't do this anymore! [walks away. The other boys look at him, Stan a bit shocked]
Kenny: (Damn.)
Scene Description: '[Kyle's room, moments later. Kyle is at his desk moping, his arms crossed and his face buried in them. Someone knocks twice, then opens the door. It's Stan.]'
Stan: Kyle. [Kyle doesn't reply. Stan sighs, closes the door and approaches him] Kyle, you can't keep doing this. You know what, at some point, you've got to let this go.
Kyle: Yeah? Well... maybe you can forget what happened, but I... can't.
Stan: Look, what happened, happened. We can't change it now. We have to move on.
Kyle: [leaves his desk angrily and faces Stan] Move on?! Our friend was raped, Stan! He was raped, and we all stood there and did [takes his hands, puts them side by side, and sweeps them out away from each other] nothing!
Stan: There was nothing we could do, Kyle! [Kyle walks away. Stan says softly] There was nothing we could do. We had to get out of there.
Kyle: [turns around and faces Stan] Did we?! Maybe we could have stopped them!
Stan: How?
Kyle: [turns away again] I dream about it every night. Every time I close my eyes I see us just running away, running while they ray-rape him over and over again. [clenches his fists at the thought of it, then loosens the grips and turns around] And because we did nothing... they got away.
Stan: You can't keep torturing yourself like this, Kyle. Let it... go.
Kyle: [wipes something from his forehead] I'm... glad... that you guys can just keep living. I don't think I can. [walks out of the room. Stan watches him leave, then sighs]
Stan: [puts his hands in his jacket pockets] God damn it.
Scene Description: Butters' bathroom. Butters is taking a bubble bath with a rubber ducky and a toy submarine
Butters: Lu lu lu I've got some space flight. Lu lu lu space flights seem old... Lu lu lu-
Cartman: [bursts into the bathroom, startling Butters] There you are, Butters!
Butters: Uhuh, Eric.
Cartman: Butters, I need your help.
Butters: Not now, Eric, I'm ih I'm indecent.
Cartman: The Chinese are gonna take us over, Butters! And we are the only people who seem to care!
Butters: The Chinese?
Cartman: I handed out fliers, called together meetings, but it's like... everyone's turning a blind eye. The Chinese are taking over the world and nobody's doing anything! It's up to you and me, Butters. We have to stop the Chinese now.
Butters: Aw, I can't stop the Chinese tonight, Eric, uh I'm supposed to make a model car with my dad.
Cartman: You don't get it Butters! Our lives are about to change! The Chinese outnumber us a million to one. And when their army gets here, they're gonna kill your parents!
Butters: Why are they gonna kill my parents?
Cartman: Because the Chinese hate Americans! That's why I've started: the American Liberation Front. A group dedicated to freeing American from Chinese tyranny. [with determination] Will you join me?
Butters: I don't want my parents to die.
Cartman: [hops onto the stool] So you'll join the American Liberation Front?!
Butters: Well sure.
Cartman: [cups Butters' right hand between his own two hands] You and me: we're going to be the brave little boys who fought back, Butters. We are not letting them take over our country. Fuck the Chinese.
Butters: Yeah, [pounds his left fist into the water] fuck 'em.
Scene Description: Kyle's room, night. He's asleep
Kyle: No... No! [he's having a nightmare] No...
Scene Description: In the dream. Only the voices are heard at first
Kyle: No, wait. No, we have to stop them! They're raping him. Rape!
Stan: Let's get out of here!
Kyle: We can't just leave!
Stan: Come on!
Kyle: Aw it's horrible! [we now join the dream already in progress]
Scene Description: The setting is the Bijou theater, day. The movie playing is "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull"
Stan: Oh God!
Kyle: Somebody do something!
Clyde: Why are they doing this?!
Scene Description: Inside the theater.
Kyle: They're just taking Indiana Jones and they're... [blinks hard] they're raping him! [Stan quickly covers his eyes]
Stan: I can't watch! [uncovers his eyes and rises from his seat] Let's get out of here Kyle! [leaves. Kenny follows him out of the row, then Clyde, Butters, and Jimmy.]
Kyle: Why would Spielberg and Lucas do this?!
Stan: COME ON LET'S GO! [grabs Kyle by the right hand and drags him out]
Kyle: WHY ARE THEY DOING THIIIS?!
Stan: JUST RUN!! [the six boys run out of there.]
Scene Description: Outside the theater.
Stan: Why aliens? Aliens don't belong in an Indiana Jones movie? [Kyle throws up] Come on dude! There's nothing we can do!
Clyde: [in despair] Whyyy? Whyyy?? [Kenny runs around is disbelief]
Jimmy: We can't help him now.
Butters: Well I thought it was pretty good.
Stan: Let's just go, Let's just go! [grabs Kyle's right hand and pulls him away from the theater]
Kyle: [suddenly wakes up] NOO! [sits on the edge of his bed.] Noo. No. Awwh. [sobs softly in relief] Aw no...
Scene Description: South Park, day. Cartman and Butters walk down the street and approach a corner. Cartman is carrying a duffle bag
Cartman: All right Butters, we're here. [sets the duffle bag down] Are you ready?
Butters: I'm scared, but I know my country needs me.
Cartman: This is it, Butters. We have to be strong. We're taking down those God damned Chinese right now. [points at something across the street - a P.F. Chang's China Bistro] Things could get ugly in there, Butters. We've got to infiltrate, and find out the Chinese invasion plans. [opens the duffle bag and begins to search through it]
Butters: But Eric, wu-why would the, Chinese tell us their invasion plans?
Cartman: Because we're going to make them think... we're one of them. [pulls out a Chinese peasant hat] Here, put these teeth in! [hands him some buck teeth] And just say "herro" and "prease" a lot. [puts in his own buck teeth and squints his eyes] "Oh, herro prease." Ping pong ching chong.
Butters: Ping ping. Herro. ...Prease.
Scene Description: P.F. Chang's, moments later. Cartman and Butters enter in Chinese costumes. Cartman now has makeup on his eyes while Butters wears a fez and has drawn glasses around his eyes
Greeter: [a woman] Uhh welcome to P.F. Chang's. I'll be right with you. [turns to other guests]
Butters: [leans over] Hey, Eric, uh these people aren't Chinese.
Cartman: [panics, voice rising] Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!
Butters: [walks up to him] What?
Cartman: It's already started. White people in here working for the Chinese. They're selling out their own country!
Greeter: Uh, can I help you?
Cartman: Ah yes, herro prease. [puts his hands together and bows a bit] We are Chinese peopull.
Butters: [also bows] Herro prease. Ting tao ding ling.
Greeter: Uh yeah, why don't I seat you over here? [they follow her to their table and take their seats. She gives them their menus] Your waitress will be right with you.
Cartman: Fruttar sheshar. [the greeter leaves] What the hell is going on here? We've gotta sneak our back into the back Butters- uh huck! [goes into hushed tones and points] There they are! Chinese people! There are Chinese people right over there! [Butters leans over and looks back. Sure enough, a Chinese family of five is looking at them] Do you see them?
Butters: Yeah.
Cartman: Oh my God the Chinese are here. Okay, okay I'm freaked out. I'm freaking out.
Butters: Stay calm, Eric.
Cartman: They're right over there, and they're gonna start screaming and banging on those drums, and then they're go- [Butters smacks him, shutting him up] Thank you Butters. All right, we need to go over there and find out what we can from those Commie rats. [they make their way to the family's table] Oh, herro, prease, herro.
Butters: [bows a bit] Herro, prease.
Cartman: So nice to see othaa Chinese peopull heeh. As you can see, we are Chinese peopull ourselves.
Butters: Fing fong ting tong.
Cartman: Ting ton teetong.
Mother: 他们在干什么啊？[subtitled] What are they doing?
Father: 诶，我真的不知道。[subtitled] I don't know.
Cartman: Yeah, [gibberish] So, what are the plans to take over America again? I fohgot. [snickers. The family just stares at them]
Scene Description: Stark's pond, evening. Jimmy sits on a bench staring out over the water as the sun sets. The lake looks more like a lake should look now
Stan: [walks into view] Jimmy? I don't know what to do about Kyle. [walks towards the shore] You know, I... I don't think he's ever going to be the same.
Jimmy: And what about you, Stan? We were all in the theater that day. We all... saw it happen.
Stan: Yeah well I, I just try not to think about it.
Jimmy: I thought I could go on like before. But after seeing Indiana get raped... After seeing Indiana get raped I know I'll never be the sa-a-ame, the same? The same. [Stan turns right and sighs] Do you remember that scene with Indiana in the refrigerator? [Stan turns his head to look back] It didn't make any sense, Stan.
Stan: [turns to face Jimmy] I don't need this now. [looks away and closes his eyes] I just want things to be the way they were! [runs off]
Jimmy: [turns left to follow Stan's path] You can't run away from it forever, [faces the lake again] Stan! Sooner or later, we all have to face what we fe-fe-fehh fehsow.
Scene Description: Stan wanders through town, but stops to remember something: he's in the movie theater watching a movie and eating popcorn
Stan: Indiana Jones! All right! [The screen is shown: Indy is at the foot of a long set of stairs]
Indy: [turns to face Stan] Hey there, Stan. All set to see my new adventure?
Stan: [happily] You bet, Indiana! [Stan's jaw drops. Steven Spielberg and George Lucas walk up behind Indy, smiling] No!... Look out Indy, it's... Steven Spielberg and George Lucas!
Spielberg: Well well hello there Indiana. [rubs Indy's left shoulder]
Lucas: [pats Indy's back lovingly] You're looking cute. [they begin to rough him up]
Stan: No! Uh what are you gonna do to him?! [they begin to disrobe Indy]
Spielberg: Oh yeah! [Spielberg rips Indy's shirt open]
Indy: No! [Stan covers his mouth in disbelief and alarm]
Stan: Indy! [Lucas and Spielberg now have Indy pinned to the ground]
Lucas: Yeah! Get his pants down! Get his pants down! [Spielberg pulls down Indy's pants as Indy wails]
Spielberg: Hold him, Lucas! Come on!
Lucas: [holding Indy down] Heheh! He-he ain't goin' nowhere!
Spielberg: [gets on top of Indy] Yeah!
Stan: No, stop! Raape!
Indy: HOOOOOOOOO! [the daydream ends and Stan has tears in his eyes. He breaks down and falls on all fours, weeping. He raises his face and fist to the sky and continues weeping]
Scene Description: P.F. Chang's. Cartman and Butters are still there...
Cartman: All right, Butters, I think we've almost got the Chinese to trust us! Now as soon as they tell us their invasion plans, make a run for that door, okay?!
Butters: Okay, okay.
Cartman: Ho ho, that's a good one, Ping Ling. Hoho. So ah where were we? Oh yes, the invasion pran.
Butters: Huh, invasion pran.
Cartman: What day is American invasion again? I fohget. [snickers]
Father: 'Scuse me, miss?
Greeter: Yes sir?
Father: These people won't leave us alone.
Cartman: [thinks a bit] ...No no, it's okay. We are Chinese peopull.
Father: You aren't Chinese.
Cartman: Oh my God...
Butters: We're busted! Uh what do we do??
Greeter: Okay, why don't we go...
Cartman: Stay- stay back! Nobody moves, you got that?! [moves into the main area of the restaurant] Don't... touch us! We know what the Chinese are up to! We saw the Olympic Opening Ceremonies! [a couple stops eating] The gig is up! Everyone just s-step over to that wall! [points to his right] I mean it! Butters, hold this gun on them. [pulls a gun from a pocket and hands it to Butters]
Butters: A gun?
Cartman: Hold the gun on them Butters!
Butters: I don't want a gun, Eric!
Cartman: They're taking over our country, Butters! This is life or death now! Help! Me!
Butters: Oh jeez...
Cartman: Everyone get up and go over to that wall! Do it! Move! [the guests rise from their seats with their hands up and move over to the wall Cartman pointed to] We, are the American Liberation Front! And you are ALL going to pay for betraying your country to the Chinese!
Patron: This is stupid. I'm leaving!
Cartman: Nobody is going anywhere until the police arrive!
Patron: [walks towards the front doors] Screw you!
Cartman: Shoot him, Butters!
Butters: No!
Cartman: You have to shoot him, Butters! He's gonna warn all the Chinese and they're gonna kill your parents! Do it! Do it!
Butters: Waah! [looks away with his eyes shut and shoots at the patron. The bullet hits the patron in the groin, which splatters all over his clothes. The patron puts his hands over his crotch in pain]
Patron: Ow! A-Ah! A-Ooowww!
Cartman: Aw dude, you shot him in the dick.
Butters: Huh?
Cartman: That's not cool Butters. You don't shoot a guy in the dick.
Butters: But I was just trying to stop him, and you said-
Cartman: [faces him] It doesn't matter, Butters! You never shoot a guy in the dick. Everyone knows that! Shooting a guy in the dick? That's just, that's just weak. I can't believe you, Butters.
Scene Description: Stormy Weathers's office. Kyle sits in a chair facing the Stormy, who's behind his desk.
Kyle: My name is Kyle Broflovski. My friend was raped last Memorial Day weekend. And, and I [sniffs and wipes his nose with his right hand] I'm gonna help prosecute the men responsible.
Stormy: [looking through the paperwork] You want to bring Steven Spielberg and George Lucas to trial for raping Indiana Jones.
Kyle: I know that I'll have to testify, that I'll have to... relive what I saw that day. [sniffs and wipes his nose with his right hand] But I can't let Spielberg and Lucas get away with it. Not this time. Even if I have to do it alone.
Stan: You aren't alone. [he enters the room with Kenny, Clyde, and Jimmy]
Kyle: [gets off the chair] Stan?
Stan: We'll all testify. We can't let them ever do this again. [begins to cry and leans into Kyle's shoulder. Kyle consoles him and begins to cry. The other boys cry as well] I love you.
Kyle: I love you too.
Stormy: [interrupts the crying] Uh kids, kids, I'm sorry, but this is ridiculous.
Stan: Wh-why?
Stormy: You don't have a case here. You can't really say that Spielberg and Lucas raped Indiana Jones in the new film.
Kyle: [points at him] Did you see it?
Stormy: Yes I saw it, but I- [his face drops and he turns away] But I just try not to think about it.
Stan: Then you saw what Lucas and Spielberg did to him!
Stormy: I don't know what I saw! [crosses his arms] All right?! I mean, it wa-it was dark in the theater... I mean... yeah, things got a little out of hand with the plot... the third act took too long, uh-
Kyle: Indy deserved more than that!
Stormy: [wheels around] GET OUT! JUST GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE! [the boys leave, and the DA slams the door shut on them. The DA returns to his desk, sits in his chair, and begins to cry. He remembers the scene this way:] No, no... [pounds his desk]
Scene Description: a bar, night. Indy is at a pinball machine playing away
Spielberg: Well well, Indiana Jones. [the Stormy is playing on a different arcade game] You're looking nice. [the pinball machine the Stormy is at has a Willow theme all over; the one Indy is at has a Howard the Duck theme. Lucas has Indy pinned on the machine with his pants down. Spielberg unbuttons Indy's shirt and starts licking his nipples.]
Indy: Hey. Hey! [begins to wail and moan]
Spielberg: There you go, Lucas! Dick him! [Indy struggles to get away, but Lucas is in full control] He's gonna do it right there! All right! All right Georgie!
Lucas: Grab his hands, heh. [Spielberg runs up and holds Indy's hands down on the pinball machine]
Stormy: Hey leave him alone! [Lucas now pulls down his pants and sticks his dick in Indy's ass, firmly covering Indy's mouth with his right hand to muffle the screams.]
Spielberg: COME ON BIG GUY!
Indy: NOOO! [three men approach to see what's happening. Indy looks at them and they quickly leave. The pinball machine moves violently. A glass of beer resting on it falls and shatters. Lucas comes to climax and the strain on his face is clearly shown. The Stormy covers his eyes, and his recollection ends]
Stormy: Nooo... Nohoho... [pounds his desk. Moments later he opens his window as the boys leave the courthouse] Waaait! [the boys stop and look up] Wait I... want to help! [begins to cry. The boys down below begin to cry also.]
Scene Description: P.F. Chang's, night. The diners are all up against the wall.
Father: Look, we don't know what you're talking about. There's no Chinese plan to take over America.
Cartman: Shaddup! These American traitors might have bought your propaganda, but not us! [police sirens are heard approaching] Oh, thank God, the police are here! We're safe! [walks towards the front doors]
Captain: You with the gun, step out or we will fire upon you.
Cartman: [walks outside] No no, you got it wrong. We aren't the Chinese, we're the good gu- [notices something different. The camera shows that one of the police officers is Chinese] AAH! [runs back inside and back to Butters] Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!
Butters: Uhwhat?
Cartman: [quite agitated] One of the cops is Chinese! Son of a bitch, how high up does this thing go? We can't trust anybody here, Butters! [heads to a window with Butters in tow, and opens it] Don't come any closer! We have information that we will only trust with the President of the United States!
Officer: The President?
Captain: All right men, come on. We're going in.
Cartman: No! God damn it we're serious! We'll only talk to the President! Stop! Fire a warning shot, Butters! [Butters shuts his eyes and shoots. The Chinese officer is struck in the groin and it explodes all over his clothes]
Chinese Officer: [puts his hands over his crotch] Ow! Ah, o-ow! [Cartman looks on in disbelief]
Cartman: Dude! What the fuck are you doing?!
Butters: What? What happened? [looks outside the window]
Cartman: God damn it Butters, what did I say about shooting guys in the dick?!
Butters: Aw, I did it again?
Cartman: What the hell is wrong with you?! That is not cool, Butters! That is not cool! [looks away for a few moments, but...] You don't fucking do that! You don't shoot a guy in the dick!
Butters: [finally speaks up] Well okay, I'm sorry!
Cartman: ...It's not okay! Defeating the Chinese won't mean anything if we do it by going around shooting people in the dick! [walks away] God damn it!
Scene Description: Park County Police Station, night. Stormy and the five boys are inside
Stormy: It's all right there in front of you, Detective. Five sworn statements from these... brave boys. It's now up to you.
Det. Yates: Are you nuts?! I'm not going out and arresting Steven Spielberg and George Lucas!
Stan: But they raped Indiana Jones!
Kyle: I know it's hard to think about, but you have to be strong. Remember how that movie made you feel.
Det. Yates: I didn't see it. [the boys stay silent]
Jimmy: ...You didn't see the new Indiana Jones movie?
Det. Yates: No! I don't think anybody here saw it. Did you, Mitch? [Mitch is at the window looking outside through the glass] Mitch? Mitch? [close-up on Mitch, who begins to remember... Indiana is walking through some Southern woods when he encounters two men, one with a rifle, one with a knife.]
Spielberg: [holding the knife] Well well, Indiana Jones. What you doin' in our neck of the woods? [menacing] Now let's see you just drop them pants!
Indy: Drop?
Spielberg: Just take 'em right off.
Indy: Uh what do you guys want?
Lucas: Don't say anything, just do it. And pull off that little ol' biddy. The shirt there, too. [Indy takes off his clothes]
Spielberg: Them panties. Take 'em off. [Indy reluctantly removes his briefs. Spielberg turns and throws his knife into a nearby tree and goes after Indy. Indy turns and runs, but Spielberg chases him down and tackles him.] There, boy! I bet you can squeal! I bet you can squeal like a pig! [twists Indy's left ear lobe] Come on, squeal. Squeal now. Squ-squeal! [Indy tries each time, but can't do it] Weeee! Squeal.
Indy: We-eee!
Spielberg: Squeal louder. Weeee!
Indy: [at the same time] Weee!
Spielberg: Louder louder! Weeee!
Indy: [at the same time] Weee!
Spielberg: Louder! Get down there boy! [has Indy on his knees and mounts him. Lucas cackles softly] Get them britches down.
Indy: No...
Spielberg: Yes, sir! Come on, squeal! Weeeeee!
Indy: [squeezes his eyes shut] Weee!
Spielberg: Weeeeee! [Lucas grunts excitedly] Weeee!
Indy: Hawwww! Hawwww! [Mitch's recollection end and he's crying. Kyle walks up to him and consoles him]
Kyle: It's okay. You don't have to feel alone anymore. [Mitch begins to bawl and that sends the boys to crying]
Scene Description: P.F. Chang's, day. The police have fallen back to their original positions
Scene Description: P.F. Chang's, inside. Cartman is pacing the floor talking to someone on a mobile phone. No one is near him
Cartman: No no! You listen to me! I have Chinese attackers here! And Chinese supporters! If I go outside, there are more Chinese ready to take me down! Defending America is all that matters, Mr. President! And I will stop at nothing! You understand that I [POP. Cartman looks around, then drops the phone and runs to the source of the pop. Butters has fired the gun again. Cartman runs up to him] What happened?!
Butters: They uh tr-tried to come in through the roof! They were gonna take the gun.
Cartman: Good! Did you kill him? [grins in hope]
Butters: Uh, not exactly.
SWAT Officer: [his hands over his bloodied crotch] Ow. Oh, it stings. Ohhhh. [Cartman's eyelids drop halfway and he looks at Butters. Butters looks back and Cartman glances away]
Butters: Well it's not where I aimed, honest.
Cartman: Dude...
Butters: I seriously didn't mean it.
Cartman: Dude! [Butters looks to his right and down] You know what, Butters? You know what? Forget it. [walks off]
Butters: What? Uh where are you going, Eric?
Cartman: [near the front doors, turns around and jabs a finger at Butters] You can just deal with the Chinese invasion yourself if that's how you're gonna do it, Butters! I'm out, man.
Butters: By, by my, by myself?
Cartman: I didn't sign up for this! You take your American Liberation Front and you shove it up your ass. [walks out of the restaurant in defeat towards the waiting officers] That's it. Kill me. Do whatever. I can no longer conscionably be a part of the American Liberation Front.
Captain: Go inside! Move! [the officers rush the restaurant]
Scene Description: A camera pans from the sky down towards a mansion. Deputies drive up in their cruisers and run to the front door. One of them pounds on the front door
Deputy 1: George Lucas and Steven Spielberg! We have a warrant for your arrest! [there's no response. He looks at another deputy] Break it in! [the second deputy kicks the doors in and leads the other deputies inside. They search the mansion until they reach the library, where they enter and suddenly stop. They all gasp.]
Deputy 2: My God. [Lucas is raping a man dressed as a Stormtrooper]
Spielberg: Heey, what, what the hell are you doin' here?! [Lucas stops. Moments later, Spielberg and Lucas are led out of the mansion.] You've got nothin' on us! Seven hundred million box office!
Lucas: Hm this is bullshit!
Stormtrooper: [runs away like a chicken] Weeee! Weeee!
Scene Description: Park County Police Station. The boys await any updates about the arrest of Spielberg and Lucas. Yates and Mitch enter the waiting room
Det. Yates: Boys, we got 'em.
Kyle: What?
Det. Yates: [puts his hands on his hips] Spielberg and Lucas, they were... raping a Stormtrooper when the police broke in.
Mitch: And they found the dead raped bodies of Yoda and Short Round in their closet. [crosses his arms] They'll never be free to do this again. [the boys gather around the officers]
Stan: So, what now?
Jimmy: Do you think things can ever go back to n-n-n, n-no, normal after this?
Clyde: What do we do?
Kyle: We live. That's what Indy would have wanted. We just try... to live.
Scene Description: P.F. Chang's, day. The diners are all out of the restaurant. Cartman and Butters are in the middle of the street. The police still have their weapons aimed at them
Captain: Everyone just stay where you are until we can sort this all out.
Father: There's nothing to sort out! These kids need to be put in jail!
Captain: We're going to search everyone and get statements! And the-
Officer 1: Sir! Sir, it's over. They got 'em.
Captain: Got who?
Officer 1: Spielberg and Lucas, they... finally got them for what they did to Indiana Jones, sir. [the captain lowers his gone and suddenly hugs the officer gratefully]
Captain: [softly] Hohhh, they got them.
Officer 2: They got 'em. It's over.
Officer 3: It's over. [they hug each other]
Father: That means... they'll never be free to rape again.
Waiter: It's over its over. [everyone weeps in relief and cry out "They got 'em." Most of them hug each other]
Officer 4: I love you.
Officer 5: I love you too. [Cartman, with a cock of his head to the right, motions to Butters to move, and they walk away. As they walk, Cartman begins discarding his costume]
Butters: So wait. That's it? What about the Chinese invasion?
Cartman: I really don't care anymore, Butters. You see, I've learned something today. As Americans our fear of seeing another country become powerful can turn us into monsters. Watching how crazy you went. Watching you just... shoot people in the dick like that. It made me realize that I want America to be safe, but not at the cost of losing its dignity. I'd rather us be... Chinese... than a nation of unethical dickshooters. [turns aside] You think about it. [turns and walks away.]
Butters: [just stands there for a while] ...Can't believe they put 'em in jail. And I thought that movie was pretty good. [walks off in a different direction]


Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The kids are in class waiting for the bell to ring. Mr. Garrison enters with some books.
Mr. Garrison: Okay, children, let's all take our seats. [the kids take their seats as Mr. Garrison approaches his desk and puts the books away] Before we get started today, Wendy Testaburger has asked to share something with the class. Wendy? [Clyde, Kyle, and Bradley take their seats and Wendy walks up to the front of the class. She turns to face the class and looks over at Mr. Garrison]
Wendy: [clears her throat] Thank you, Mr. Garrison. [reads from her notes] Fellow students, October is Awareness Month for one of the leading causes of death among women. A terrible disease that takes the lives of American women every day. I'm talking, of course, about breast cancer. [Cartman tries to contain his laughter, but it comes out anyway. Wendy is mad, but resumes her report.] An estimated one in six women will deal with cancer in their lifetime, and breast cancer is the most common- [Cartman again tries to contain his laughter]
Cartman: She said it again. [laughs]
Wendy: Is there a problem?! Because breast cancer isn't funny! Breast cancer is killing people!
Cartman: [enjoying his distraction] Mr. Garrison, do we really need all this potty talk in the classroom?
Mr. Garrison: [lowers his head and rubs his right temple] Eric, for the love of Jesus...
Wendy: This is a serious issue, Eric! What you're doing is very offensive!
Cartman: Me? You're the one talking about killer titties. [Clyde contains a giggle] Watch out, guys. Wendy said boobs can kill people. [holds his hands out as if grabbing at people] Grrr. Gonna get you. Gonna get you, Wendy!
Butters: I don't wanna get killed by boobs.
Wendy: Will somebody do something? Every week he gets worse and nobody does anything!
Mr. Garrison: [flatly] Eric, stop being offensive.
Cartman: I'm just trying to engage Wendy in a constructive dialogue about breast cancer awareness, Mr. Garrison.
Wendy: [irritated] No, you aren't!
Cartman: Wendy, you need to calm down. You're gonna get your boobs all angry and they're gonna start killing everyone. [the other boys laugh. He joins them] Dude, I'm on fire today!
Scene Description: The school hallway, later. Wendy puts up a Breast Cancer Awareness poster up next to the drinking fountain. Other kids walk here and there, and Cartman appears
Cartman: Look out, everyone. There's some killer titties on the loose. [points to the ceiling] Could've swore I heard them coming through the roof. [Wendy turns and glares at him. Cartman talks into an imaginary walkie talkie] "Pssht! Officer! We need to get an APB out on those titties! They're armed and dangerous!" [Wendy suddenly gets in Cartman's face]
Wendy: What is your problem? Breast cancer isn't funny.
Cartman: Not at all. [cups his hands again as if they're killer titties] "Wendy, we're gonna get you, Wendy. We're your boobs, we're gonna kill you!"
Wendy: [points to him] You'd better shut up [lowers her right arm] or I'll make you shut up!
Cartman: Oho, really? What are you gonna do about it, Wendy?
Wendy: I'm gonna kick your ass! That's what I'm gonna do!
Cartman: Haha, you're gonna kick my ass?
Wendy: That's right, I'm gonna kick your ass!
Cartman: [begins to act like a gangbanger] You wanna throw down, dawg? I'll throw down.
Wendy: You think you're tough?
Cartman: [takes what looks like a gang pose] Whassup? [takes another one] Whassup?
Wendy: I'll smack the shit out of you!
Cartman: Standing right here, let's go, bitch.
Wendy: After school! We fight after school! You got that?!
Cartman: You're gonna fight me after school?
Wendy: That's right!
Cartman: You're a chick, dude.
Wendy: As soon as that bell rings, we do it outside, you got that?! And you better be there.
Cartman: [poses again] Oh, it's on, bitch!
Wendy: You're gonna [jabs at the floor for emphasis] fucking die! [turns and walks away. Cartman strikes a few more poses]
Butters: Wendy and Eric are fightin' after school! Hey, everybody! [goes forth to spread the news. He walks by Stan, Kyle, and Bebe] Wendy and Eric are fightin' after school!
Stan: What?
Bebe: Wow. [goes forth to spread the news among the girls. She walks into the girls' bathroom and announces] Wendy and Cartman are gonna fight after school!
Girls: [separately] Really? Wow.
Scene Description: The kindergarten room. Kindergartners are playing with toys when Ike walks in
Ike: [faltering a bit] Wendy and Cartman are fighting after school. [the other kindergartners jump for joy]
Kindergartners: Yaaay!
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, behind the cafeteria. The Goth kids are idling around. Henrietta is reading from her book
Red: [opens the door and says] Hey, emo kids, Cartman and Wendy are gonna fight after school. [goes back inside and closes the door]
Pete: [flips his hair out of his eyes] Did she just call us emos?
Scene Description: The cafeteria. Most of the kids are eating lunch. At the center table are eight boys: Kenny, Clyde, Cartman, Butters, Jimmy, Token, Craig, and Jason
Butters: Jeez, I can't believe Wendy's gonna fight you after school.
Token: She is pissed off.
Cartman: She is not gonna show up to a fight, dawg. I'm sure she's already trying to figure a way to get out of it.
Clyde: [taps Cartman twice on the right arm] Hey, check it out. She's totally staring you down. [Cartman leans to the right a bit to get a better view. Craig, Token, and Jimmy look back at the table behind them. Wendy stares back. There are six other girls at her table: Bebe to her right, Lola and Heidi to her left, Esther opposite Bebe, Anne opposite Lola, and Millie opposite Heidi. There's no one seated opposite Wendy, so she has a clear view. Bebe leans over and whispers something to her. Cartman smiles, but the smile turns into worry] She sure seems confident. You should probably go easy on her, dude. You don't wanna put her in the hospital or anything.
Cartman: Yeah, I'm just gonna teach her a lesson. I'm not gonna totally... kick her ass. [Cartman looks at Wendy again, and Wendy stares back. She makes a fist with her right hand and punches the open palm of her left hand.]
Jimmy: Can't go too easy on her though. God forbid she actually gets in a good good punch and... beats ya.
Butters: Yeah, heh. [grabs his milk carton] If you got beat up by a girl, everyone would think you were a faggot. [takes a sip of milk through a straw and sets the carton down. Cartman begins to panic, looks around, and looks again at Wendy. Her face becomes the only thing he sees]
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, after lunch. In the hallway, Wendy puts away her books. Cartman finds her and walks up to her
Cartman: Wendy, could I talk to you for a second?
Wendy: What?!
Cartman: [almost whispering] Wendy, I want to apologize, and, um, tell you that-
Wendy: What?
Cartman: [takes her aside and whispers] I want to apologize, and tell you that... I'm sorry for what I said. Okay? It was wrong of me, and I promise you that it won't happen again. I don't wanna fight you after school, all right? So, I'm sorry.
Wendy: If you're really sorry, you can say it in front of everyone!
Cartman: [takes her aside further and whispers] Actually, I was thinking... let's just keep this between us. I was wrong to make fun of breast cancer, and I'm very remorsefulness.
Wendy: No! If you're really sorry, and you wanna apologize to me, then do it in front of everyone.
Cartman: [seeing the unwanted attention] Pfft, apologize?! [begins to strike poses] That's not what I said, you dumb bitch. Heheh, heheh.
Wendy: Yes, you did! You just stood there and said you apologize and you don't want to fight!
Cartman: Oh, Wendy, such a desperate attempt to get out of it. These students are a little too smart to see you're just making excuses not to fight me.
Wendy: I don't want an excuse! I'm going to beat the fucking shit out of you!
Cartman: [trying to put up a front] Ohhh, ahhhh... That's funny. You're gonna die, you lesbo. [Wendy goes back to her locker, the other kids go their separate ways. Wendy shuts her locker door and Cartman races up to her again. He whispers] Wendy, seriously though, I do want to apologize. I'm really sorry and I don't think we should fight.
Wendy: Get away from me! [walks away]
Scene Description: Another part of the hallway. The Goth kids are walking along and notice Stan at his locker. They approach him
Michael: So, everyone's saying there's gonna be a fight between Eric Cartman and your girlfriend.
Stan: I guess so.
Pete: And you're gonna... just let that guy... beat up on your woman? Doesn't that, like, go against your jockey man code or something? [flips his hair]
Michael: Yeah, I don't ever remember AC/DC singing about letting dudes beat up on their girlfriends.
Stan: What am I supposed to do about it? [Craig and Jimmy walk up to him]
Craig: Don't worry, Stan, I don't think the fight's even gonna happen. Cartman said that Wendy's already begging him to call it off.
Jimmy: I'll bet she is!
Butters: [walks into view] Ah, I hope not! I wanna see Eric kick the crap out of her! [performs some punching moves]
Scene Description: Another part of the hallway. Wendy's walking along when a door opens to her left
Cartman: [peers out from the doorway] Wendy. Wendy, psst.
Wendy: What?!
Cartman: Psst real, real quick. Just psst, real quick. [Wendy goes into the room Cartman was hiding in, which is a storage room. Once inside, she looks around, taking it all in.] Wendy, you're not gonna believe this. [She turns and glares at him] I just found out my mom has breast cancer. [she glares harder] Man, I sure got what was coming to me! I was a real jerk, and now they're gonna cut off my mom's boobs.
Wendy: You really think that's gonna work on me?!
Cartman: Wendy, [pulls out a letter-sized envelope] I have here twenty-seven dollars in cash. If you just call off the fight, then I-
Wendy: You can't bribe your way out of this!
Cartman: [puts his left hand up to hold her back] Wendy, I have muscular dystrophy.
Wendy: No, you don't.
Cartman: [thinks for a moment] My mom has muscular dystrophy. In her boobs.
Wendy: You don't get it, asshole! [shoves him back a bit] There is nothing you can do to stop this fight! I am going to wipe the playground with you right in front of everyone! I am going to shove your ass down your throat and make you eat your underwear!
Cartman: Eat my underwear?
Wendy: That's right.
Cartman: [walks a few steps away] Okay. Okay, Wendy, I will eat my underwear. Right here, right now.
Wendy: Jesus Christ, do you have no sense of self-respect?!
Cartman: No. U-unless you want me to. You want me to have self-respect, then I will.
Wendy: You fucking suck so hard!
Cartman: I'll eat my underwear, Wendy. [unzips his pants.] And then you'll be satisfied. We can put this whole thing behind us.
Wendy: What are you doing?! [Cartman takes off his underwear]
Cartman: I'm committed to peace, Wendy. [begins to swallow his underwear] I want you to see just how humbled I am... [gags]
Wendy: Ew! [looks away]
Cartman: [rather muffled] Euugh. Wendy? Look at me, Wendy. [tries one last swallow and succeeds] There. Yeahm.
Wendy: Oh my God!
Cartman: So... [turns to face her] are we cool?
Wendy: No!
Cartamn: I ate my underwear! [advances. Wendy backs up] What the hell do you want from me?! [advances again. Wendy backs up, then runs around Cartman towards the door. He can't turn fast enough to match her] Weh-
Wendy: [opens the door] You are so pathetic!
Cartman: [throws himself at her mercy] Wendy it isn't fair! [she runs out of there quickly] I ate my underwear for you! Nooo! [Craig walks by and stops to look in] Yo, what's up dawg?
Scene Description: The boys' bathroom. Stan enters. Cartman rushes in behind him
Cartman: Stan, Stan! Dude, we need to talk.
Stan: What?
Cartman: You know, Wendy and I are supposed to fight in like three hours.
Stan: Yeah?
Cartman: Dude, aren't you worried? Wendy's a girl. She could end up getting really hurt, Stan. You're my bro and she's your bitch. I don't wanna hurt my bro's bitch.
Stan: I can't do anything; she really wants to fight you. [moves towards the stalls, but Cartman runs up ahead of him and stops him]
Cartman: Nu-no, she doesn't. She told me she doesn't wanna fight. She's just stuck, Stan. Because she knows I'm gonna kick her ass, but she feels like if she doesn't fight me all the kids are gonna call her a chicken.
Stan: Really?
Cartman: You know what she did? She apologized and begged me not to fight her. I said "Well, Wendy, if you're so sorry, then say it in front of everyone.", but she wouldn't. That's how desperate she is. Man, you have to do something, Stan. You have to be a fuckin' man and forbid her from fighting, so she has a way- [his gag reflex kicks in and his underwear comes back up his throat and out of his mouth. Stan looks on a bit stunned as Cartman pulls his underwear the rest of the way out, then glances back and forth at his underwear and at Stan] Oh, that's where I put those. [puts his underwear into a back pocket] Anyway, Stan, you've got to put a stop to this fight. Wendy's stuck and she needs you.
Stan: Dude, there's nothing I can do about it.
Cartman: [runs to Stan's left, by the sinks] God, you are such a pussy, Stan! You're such a pussy! When I hurt Wendy, it's gonna be on your fucking head! [his underwear is hanging from his right hand. Cartman notices, then runs out of the bathroom. Stan looks down helplessly]
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, near the end of the school day. Garrison is at the front of the class giving a lecture
Mr. Garrison: And so you see, at this point Euripides knew he could not win the battle. [Cartman glances at the clock on the wall: 2:58 p.m. His fingers drum the desk softly as he looks ahead blankly remembering Wendy's words: "I am going to wipe the playground with you right in front of everyone!" Then Butters': "If you got beat up by a girl, everyone would think you were a faggot."] All right kids, for your homework tonight I want you all to read chapters seven... [Cartman begins to block everything out except Wendy and the wall clock: 2:58 p.m. Wendy's ready to fight.]
Bebe: Kick the shit out of him, Wendy!
Jimmy: As soon as the bell rings, we've gotta get out there and find a good place to watch the fi-fufu-fight. [As the wall clock draws towards 3 p.m. Cartman thinks "There's no way out. She's gonna kick my ass in front of everyone."]
Butters: Almost time. [smiles]
Mr. Garrison: And be ready for a quiz tomorrow morning.
Clyde: I totally can't see the fight, dude. I have detention after school.
Cartman: [a revelation] Detention! That's it! [begins to fidget: "I've gotta get detention, fast!" The minute hand hits 0 and Cartman runs out of his seat towards the front of the class. He gets on Mr. Garrison's desk, shoves the Homework Assignments holder off the desk, lowers his pants, and leaves a nice brown gift on the desk. Mr. Garrison looks at him. The class is stunned as Cartman looks back at Mr. Garrison]
Mr. Garrison: Eric, did you just take a crap on my desk?
Cartman: [strikes some gang poses] Whassup? Whassup? Crapped on your desk, dawg. What's up with that? [Wendy's especially shocked. No one says a word until...]
Butters: [cocks his head to his right] Huh.
Scene Description: The school library. Five kids are in detention there, and Mr. Mackey is looking after them
Mr. Mackey: Welcome to detention, m'kay? You are here until your parents come and pick you up. Use your time to study. [walks away]
Cartman: [puts his feet up on the table and his hands behind his head, certain he's gotten out of the fight with Wendy] Ahhh, sweet.
Butters: [a door opens and his voice is heard] Eric. Hey Eric. [the camera shows Butters motioning Cartman over. Craig and Jimmy are behind him. Cartman looks over at them, then leaves his seat and walks to the door] Eric, wha-what's goin' on? Everyone is startin' to say you got detention on purpose to get out of fightin' Wendy.
Cartman: What?! That's ridiculous!
Butters: But some people think you crapped on Teacher's desk, uh, to get out of the fight.
Cartman: That's not why I did it.
Craig: Then why'd you crap on Garrison's desk?
Cartman: [begins to pose] Because I'm hardcore. You know, I'm I'm antiestablishment. That's how I roll, dawgs. I do hardcore stuff like that.
Butters: That's what I said. I told everyone outside, "Cartman ain't scared of fightin' Wendy! He'd do it if he could!".
Cartman: Damned straight! I just got all punk rock and got detention, you know! I'm just a bad dude.
Craig: Okay, that's good, because we moved the fight to first thing in the morning tomorrow.
Jimmy: Before school starts. Everyone's gonna get there early.
Cartman: [shocked] Huh?
Butters: That way it won't matter if you get detention.
Mr. Mackey: [finds him] Eric, get your buns back over here, m'kay?!
Jimmy: Wendy said she'd be here an hour before school starts. See you in the morning, ch-ch-ch-champ! [they walk away and the doors close. Cartman stands there for a moment, then returns to his seat. There's a rapping at the window and Cartman looks over]
Wendy: [outside] Tomorrow morning! You fucking die tomorrow morning! [walks away. Cartman is truly scared]
Scene Description: Wendy's room, night. She's doing math homework
Mrs. Testaburger: Wendy?
Wendy: Yeah?
Mrs. Testaburger: We need to talk to you, right now. [Wendy leaves her chair and her room, and goes downstairs. Her parents are waiting for her, quite displeased and upset as they confront their daughter] Wendy, have you been bullying kids at school?
Wendy: What? No!
Mrs. Testaburger: Well, do you want to explain why this little boy's mother had to come talk to us? [Wendy looks and sees Cartman and Liane seated on the sofa. Cartman is sobbing quietly]
Mr. Testaburger: Did you tell this little boy you were going to beat him up?
Wendy: You don't understand. He said horrible things.
Cartman: [whining] The, the thing is, I totally said I was sorry, but she still wants to beat me up. [cries into Liane's sweater. She soothes him]
Mrs. Testaburger: Wendy, no matter what a person says, you don't respond with violence. Haven't we taught you that?
Cartman: The thing is, Wendy, I really think you're awesome, and I know I'm just a nerdy little weakling to you, but I want to be your friend because I don't have that many friends at schooooooooooool. [cries into Liane's sweater. She soothes him again]
Mrs. Testaburger: Wendy, you tell this little boy you aren't going to hurt him.
Wendy: Mom, you don't-
Mrs. Testaburger: Now, young lady!
Wendy: I'm not going to hurt you.
Mr. Testaburger: If there is any word of you fighting at school it is over for you, missy! Do you understand?!
Wendy: Yes, sir.
Mrs. Testaburger: We're so sorry about this, Ms. Cartman.
Liane: Oh no, thank you so much for your time. [Cartman looks at Wendy, then makes faces at her and sticks both middle fingers up at her. Wendy blushes with fury, but can't do anything now]
Mr. Testaburger: It really won't happen again.
Liane: You're very sweet. Thank you again. Come on, muffin. [stops making faces and looks up at her, then joins her as she walks to the front door]
Cartman: Okay, Mommy. Mama, Mama.
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, before school. The fourth graders are all there, with Cartman front and center. Craig and Butters stand by his side as he faces the road
Butters: Man it's almost time for school to start an' Wendy still isn't here.
Cartman: Yeah, I don't know what's going on. I mean, I showed up.
Bebe: Where is she? How come Wendy's not showing up for the fight?
An Older Girl: Here she comes! [everyone looks to their right and see Wendy approaching.]
Cartman: [begins to strike poses as Wendy walks by] What's up, Wendy? I thought we were meeting early to fight.
Wendy: [stops and looks at him] You know I can't fight you!
Cartman: Why not? You chicken? [begins to strut and cluck like a chicken]
Wendy: I can't fight you because you came crying to my house last night with your mom!
Cartman: Pfffft. Aw, that's a doozie, Wendy! You come up with that one on your own?!
Butters: Hehehe yeah, did you come up with that one on your own?!
Cartman: I ain't frontin' dawg! Let's do this! Let's do it right now, yo.
Bebe: Come on, Wendy, kick his ass!
Wendy: I can't! [the school bell rings and she walks towards the building] God damn it!
Butters: She chickened out!
Other students: Aw, man. [they follow her into the building and towards class]
Cartman: Told you guys.
Stan: Ugh, I'm glad that's over with.
Pete: [walking by with the other Goths] Yeah, I guess you've dodged a bullet, Galahad.
Jimmy: I always knew deep down that Wendy didn't have any ba-ba-balls.
Scene Description: Mr. Garrison's class, morning. Clyde is presenting his report before the class
Clyde: And so, we must all recycle. Every day. Recycling is important, and it will save our planet, Earth. The End. [the class applauds politely as he takes his seat. Wendy has her face buried in her arms]
Mr. Garrison: Very nice, Clyde. Okay, we have time for one more report before recess. Who'd like to go? [Cartman smiles and silently raises his hand] Okay Eric. [Cartman happily gets out of his seat and goes to face the class]
Cartman: [clears his throat] Thank you. My report today is on breast cancer awareness. [Wendy lifts her head up in surprise] I do not believe enough is being done, and, like the victims of breast cancer, there's something I'd like to get off my chest. [stifles a laugh] We all must fight, and hopefully one day, titty cancer will be a distant mammary. [stifles a laugh again]
Wendy: [softly] You unbelievable bastard. You beat me but you won't stop.
Cartman: What did the breast cancer say to the Polish monkey?
Mr. Garrison: Okay, Eric, that's enough, you smartass!
Wendy: Why?! [leaves her seat and walks up to Cartman] Why are you doing this to me?! [grabs him by the collar and shakes him] Why won't you just stop?!
Cartman: [cautioning] Wendy, Wendy.
Principal Victoria: [through the school's PA system] Wendy Testaburger to the principal's office please? Wendy Testaburger to the principal's office.
Wendy: God! [Cartman cackles as she leaves]
Scene Description: The Principal's office, moments later. Wendy stands before Principal Victoria
Principal Victoria: Wendy, I've been hearing rumors about a fight between you and Eric Cartman.
Wendy: No, ma'am, there isn't going to be a fight.
Principal Victoria: Oh no? Are you sure?
Wendy: Yes, ma'am.
Principal Victoria: I see. [gets up and walks to the window and looks out] I've noticed all the things you've done for Breast Cancer Awareness Month. Did you know I'm a breast cancer survivor?
Wendy: Ma'am?
Principal Victoria: I was diagnosed seven years ago. Cancer is... pure evil. It is a fat little lump that needs to be... destroyed. [Faces Wendy] When there is a cancer, you have to "fight" it. You can't reason with cancer, you can't wish it away. Cancer doesn't play by the rules, so neither can you.
Wendy: [thinks a moment] My... parents said that if I fight-
Principal Victoria: And you can't listen to what anybody else tells you. [turns back to the window] You have to be willing to give up everything, because the cancer will [turns back to Wendy] take everything. Do you understand?
Wendy: [the look of determination appears on her face and she makes her hands into fists] Yes, ma'am!
Principal Victoria: When you have cancer you fight, because it doesn't matter if you beat it or not. You refuse to let that fat little lump make you feel powerless!
Scene Description: The hallway. Bebe bursts through some doors and walks down the hall
Bebe: She's gonna fight! Wendy's gonna fight Cartman right now!
Millie: What? [the other kids in the hall turn and everyone heads outside. Other classes hear about this and clear out, chattering all the while. Wendy leads the pack towards the playground. While still in the building she takes off her jacket and throws it aside. On her blouse is a purple prancing unicorn connected to some orange stars by a yellow rainbow]
Scene Description: The playground. Cartman and the other boys toss the football at each other.
Cartman: Go deep, Craig. [throws the football at Craig, who is off-screen] Not that deep, retard!
Butters: [runs up to Cartman smiling] She's coming! She's coming!
Cartman: Butters, get out of here!
Butters: But Wendy's coming to fight you.
Cartman: [in disbelief] ...Huh? [Butters turns left and looks at the building, smiling. Cartman looks to his right. The side doors fly open and Wendy walks down the steps spoiling for a fight. The students cheer her on as she turns left and heads for the playground. Some girls trail behind her, Bebe being the first among them.]
Clyde: Oh boy here we go!
Butters: All right! [other kids chatter around them. The Goth kids find some good spots along the brick wall. Red Goth and Kindergoth sit atop the wall, Tall Goth and Henrietta remain on the ground next to it]
Pete: It's about freaking time. [Wendy walks up to Cartman and they face off]
Craig: All right, let's DO IT!
Cartman: [wavering] What- what's up? [begins posing] What what's up? [draws close to her and cautions in a whisper] Wendy, don't forget: I'll tell my mom on you.
Wendy: I don't care! [Cartman looks around. Butters gleefully dances in place waiting for the fight to start]
Cartman: Um, recess is almost over, I don't I don't know if there's really time.
A Girl: Shut up and fight! [everyone else joins in the demand. Wendy ties her hair up in a small bun behind her head]
Cartman: Alright, fine Wendy! I'll fight you, you big bully! [takes off his jacket and tosses it aside]
Scene Description: The fighters dance around each other until Wendy lands a right cross. Cartman spins around and falls on his back. Wendy dances around and Cartman stands up, pulling up his pants in the process. Wendy lands two left jabs on Cartman's face, and Cartman finally responds with a right punch. It's strong enough to make Wendy stagger backwards
Kids: Ohhhhh!
Scene Description: Cartman lands another punch on Wendy's face, then continues with a series of alternating punches, forcing Wendy backwards and into the crowd. Cartman lands a punch strong enough to send Wendy into the jungle gym, then continues punching her there. Wendy eventually catches one of his punches and outmuscles him, throwing Cartman into the jungle gym, then driving his face into one of the bars at least twice, and Cartman begins to bleed. The crowd is loving it, cheering her on. Wendy now delivers a long series of alternating punches, forcing Cartman back across the playground and into a hobby elephant. Cartman puts his arms up to deflect the punches, but it's ineffective.
Butters: Fuck him up, Wendy!
Scene Description: Cartman finally tosses Wendy off him and throws a punch at her, but she punches faster, making him miss. She then punches him on the right temple, and Cartman wobbles a bit. As he recovers, Wendy delivers the finishing blow: a fierce right cross that turns Cartman's head around and sends his body flying. The scene is frozen in time and the various reactions are shown: Stan, Kyle, Tweek, and Jimmy are cheering Wendy on. Jimmy has his right crutch up in the air, cheering. Butters is swooning while the boys around him just watch the fight. Time speeds up and Cartman falls to the ground, losing a tooth. Wendy kicks him a few times for good measure. She runs out of strength, staggers backwards, and drops down on her ass, exhausted.
Mr. Mackey: [just arriving] Wendy?
Wendy: [pants and looks back at Mr. Mackey] I'm finished! [gets up and walks away. The girls look at her with astonishment]
Mr. Mackey: Eh, somebod - somebody call the principal! [Cartman gets up, sniffling. Some of the kids begin to leave. Cartman looks around]
Cartman: [demoralized] You don't have to say anything. I know how it is. I'm no longer the cool kid. Now you all think I'm a fahahahahahag. [begins to wail] My school life is over 'cause now all the guys don't think I'm coooohoohoohoohoohooooool. [wails some more]
Stan: Dude, we never thought you were cool.
Cartman: That's not true! You're just saying that!
Kyle: No, really. We've always thought you suck.
Jimmy: Yeah, nothing's changed. Our opinion of you can't possible go any lower.
Cartman: You're all just saying that to make me feel better.
Craig: No, it's true. We've always hated you.
Butters: Well, yeah.
Cartman: Don't try and make me feel better, you guys, it isn't... Wait, wait a minute. Why would you guys be saying stuff to make me feel better? Unless... unless you do think I'm cool. [the guys look at each other, sure that Cartman misunderstood them]
Craig: [confused] What?
Cartman: [seeing a positive side to this somehow] If you're all trying to make me feel better, then you must still like me. Oh, oh phew! Oh, you had me so worried about what you guys were gonna think of me getting beat up by a girl and... it turns out you think I'm cool no matter what. Oh, oh, oh God, what a relief! [jumps up and clicks his feet up in the air] Oh, yay! [jumps up again]


Scene Description: South Park Mall, day. The boys wait for Kenny, who is coming out of Walstien's with his purchase. Once he arrives, the boys move out into the open mall area and turn left.
Kyle: I don't get it, Kenny: why do you buy razors and shaving cream?
Kenny: ('Cause, dude, i'm gonna shave my balls.)
Cartman: Shave your balls? Why would you shave your balls?
Kenny: (Because girls like shaved balls.)
Kyle: Girls like shaved balls?
Kenny: (Yes, they do.)
Cartman: What girl is gonna see your balls?
Kenny: (I don't know.) [Something grabs Stan's attention and he stops and looks to his right.]
Stan: [pissed off] Oh Jesus, there's another one! [the other boys stop and look. A Peruvian pan flute band plays and draws a small crowd] Another pan flute band! Have you guys noticed there's bands like this everywhere you go lately? [the band has a bombo drummer, a siku player, and two charango players]
Cartman: Yeah I saw like three of those bands down in Denver yesterday. All their crappy music sounds the same.
Stan: I'm so sick of hearing this music everywhere I go!
Kyle: I think Kenny likes it. [Kenny's groovin' to the music]
Stan: [turns left and leaves] I gotta get home for dinner.
Cartman: [follows] Yeah, me too. [Kyle follows Cartman and Kenny keeps dancing.]
Scene Description: South Park Mall, exterior. The boys exit the mall. Kenny catches up to them. The camera pulls back to reveal another band.
Stan: [pumping his fists] God!
Cartman: Shut up already!
Stan: I'm outta here; see ya guys. [leaves. Kyle and Cartman follow and Kenny dances again]
Scene Description: Stan's house, night. He walks in through the front door and to the sofa, where he finds Shelly watching TV.
TV: Tonight, the Travel Channel takes you to London! [the London skyline is shown. A British flag floats across the screen] London has something for everyone! Sights! [a pillar topped by a statue] Theater, and wonderful street performers! [the picture pans down to reveal a pan flute band playing to the crowd]
Stan: They're in London too?
Sharon: Hey, time for dinner guys. [Shelly turns off the TV and joins Stan to the dining room]
Scene Description: The dining room. Sharon arrives with a bowl of fruit as Stan and Shelly take their seats on either side of the table. Sharon has already set their meals on the table. Today's meal? Potatoes au gratin.
Sharon: All right kids, dig in.
Stan: Where's dad?
Sharon: [irritated] He's upstairs videotaping your grandfather in the bathtub.
Stan: Why?
Sharon: Because ever since your father got that stupid video camera he thinks he has to film everything the family does.
Randy: [arrives and starts shooting] All right, here we are. Marsh family gathered for another dinner. [moves around to Stan's side of the table, shooting video all the while]
Sharon: Randy, we have plenty of video of us eating dinner.
Randy: [points the camera at Shelly] There's Shelly. You excited about eating dinner Shelly?
Shelly: Turn it off, Dad!
Randy: [swoops around to Shelly's side to get a better shot] Oh look! Stan's eating a tater-tot! Wave to the camera, Stan. [takes a quick look at the screen attached to the camera, to adjust the aim. A second later and pan flute music is heard. Stan looks around and locates the source. He walks to a front window and sees a pan flute band playing across the street. In front of them is a briefcase full of CDs]
Stan: Oh Jesus Christ! [Randy walks up behind him with the camera]
Randy: Ohhh neato, it's one of those Peruvian pan flute bands. Stan, go out and stand with them. I can get a shot. [Stan just glances at him]
Scene Description: Kyle's house, next day. Kenny and Cartman are with him playing Candyland on the living room floor.
Cartman: I will play this card to move Kyle back seven spaces... [moves Kyle's piece back seven spaces and softly says] ...screw you Kyle. [normal voice] Aaand all right, your turn, Kenny. [tosses the dice to him]
Stan: You guys! You guys, check this out: I saw another Peruvian flute band outside my house last night.
Cartman: So?
Stan: So? So I just sat there and watched them for a while and, guess how much money they made selling their crappy CDs?
Cartman: How much?
Stan: Over two hundred bucks.
Kyle: Two hundred dollars?
Cartman: Really? Are you sure?
Stan: Yeah dude, I'm- I'm starting to realize that it's like the easiest job in the world. You know, I mean, we could do that! [the other boys stay quiet]
Kyle: ...Become a Peruvian flute band?
Stan: Yeah, why not? We get some instruments and some costumes and then... make some crappy pan flute music CDs on my computer.
Cartman: [stands up] Oh my god. We're gonna make so much fucking money you guys.
Stan: Yeah!
Kenny: (Woohoo!)
Kyle: But where are we gonna get the money to buy costumes and and the instruments? [the boys give it some thought]
Scene Description: Craig's house, moments later. The four boys are at the front door ringing the doorbell. The door opens and Craig appears.
Cartman: Craig, dude, how're you doing, bro?
Craig: ...Fine.
Cartman: Cool, awesome. Um, Craig, remember how you were tellin' us how your grandma gave you a hundred bucks for your birthday?
Craig: ...Yeah.
Stan: Craig, how would you like to turn that hundred dollars into a thousand dollars? [Craig stays quiet, so Cartman prevails upon him and enters his house]
Scene Description: Craig's living room.
Cartman: Come on in, Craig. Have a seat. Welcome.
Craig: What do you guys want?
Kyle: [enters with Stan and Kenny] Craig, we have chosen you to join our Peruvian flute band!
Cartman: [applauds] All right Craig! [pats him on the back]
Craig: You mean like those guys you see at all the tourist spots?
Stan: There's a reason they're everywhere, Craig: because they make bank! We just need your money to buy instruments and make some CDs.
Cartman: And we'll double your money in one afternoon, Craig.
Craig: [assessing the situation] You guys never hang out with me. You never invite me to do stuff. But now you want me to be in a band with you because my grandma gave me a hundred dollars.
Cartman: Craig, don't be an asshole.
Craig: [turns right and walks past Cartman] I'll go get the money. [the boys grin. Stan and Kenny high-five each other.]
Scene Description: South Park Mall, day, by the fountain. The five boys now gather in their costumes with their instruments. Cartman plays the siku, Stan and Kyle play charangos, Kenny plays on a home-made bombo while Craig has a new stringed instrument.
Stan: All right guys, just like we rehearsed it. You ready Craig? All right, let's jam!
Cartman: And a one, and a two, and a- [the boys launch into their rendition of "Mary Had A Little Lamb"]
Man 1: Wow, that's such cultural music.
Man 2: Very cultural, yes.
Cartman: [as the men leave] Por favor, buy our CDs de musica. [in their briefcase are $10 CDs from their band, the Llama Brothers, "Tapas and Moonscapes". Man 1 whips out a fresh $10 bill and buys a CD]
Kyle: Gracias.
Woman 1: [walks by and stops to check out the CDs] How cultural. [buys one for herself]
Kyle: This is awesome!
Stan: Ya see, Craig? [another band starts up nearby and Stan steps forward for a better look. The boys look to their right]
Cartman: Hey! Heyheyheyheyhey! [leads the other boys to the competing band]
Stan: Hey, you guys can't play here. We were here first. [the other band ignores them and continues playing]
Cartman: No trabajar aqui! Vaya! No pleya la musica en la promenade! No es bueno!
Stan: This is our Peruvian flute band's turf, you got that?! [the other band looks at them for a few seconds, then resumes its music, its members grinning.]
Kyle: God damn it!
Cartman: No! No es bueno! [grabs the siku and throws it away. The band stops playing. The siku player looks at his empty hands and goes after the siku]
Stan: Come on, guys. [the boys return to their spot and start playing again, but another band begins to play off to their left]
Stan: Jesus Christ!
Cartman: No, no es bueno! No trabajar aqui!
Scene Description: U.S. Department of Homeland Security.
Michael Chertoff: Ladies and gentlemen, our nation and our world is facing an economic and ecological crisis of disastrous proportions. I'm talking of course about Peruvian flute bands. [the audience members begin to talk amongst themselves. Chertoff activates the screen behind him, and a world map appears onscreen.] The red dots indicate where the highest concentrations of Peruvian flute bands are. All over the world, wherever there are tourists or shoppers, there are now, on average, 65 Peruvian flute bands per square kilometer. General?
Chief aide: [walks into view before the screen] France, Japan, and the northeastern United States are currently the hardest hit. Make no mistake: [sticks an index finger up] this is a pan flute epidemic.
Senator 1: A pan-demic?
Michael Chertoff: Three countries in Asia and seven in Europe have already asked for our help in getting rid of their Peruvian flute bands. We will need every resource available to see this through.
Senator 2: Excuse me, but... aid other countries?
Michael Chertoff: Senator?
Senator 2: With all due respect we need to be dealing with our own pan flute bands! Let other countries fend for themselves!
Michael Chertoff: [starting soft and with rising voice, he leaves the podium and faces the senator] You heartless bastard! This country was founded on beliefs in freedom and integrity! And we will not sit back and do nothing while less fortunate countries are ravaged by Peruvian flute bands! Is that clear?! [the senator collapses back into his seat and begins to cry and Chertoff returns to the podium] As director of Homeland Security, I am taking control of the military until the crisis is contained.
Scene Description: South Park Mall, day. The third Peruvian flute band continues to play and a woman stops by. She begins to dance. Some helicopters are heard and one appears over the crowd.
Paratrooper:: Go, go! [all kinds of law enforcement and military vehicles rush in and surround the mall. Hazmat officers pour out of a Hazmat truck. Inside, the boys now play "Three Blind Mice". A woman stops by and buys a CD. The boys hear some commotion and look over: military troops surround the second band and subdue it]
Cartman: Ha! [sticks his right middle finger up] Serves you right, assholes! [behind them the third band is subdued]
Soldier 1: One more over here! [the boys are surrounded and subdued]
Soldier 2: Let's go! Get 'em out!
Soldier 3: Clear out, move! This is a Homeland Security operation, people, let's go!
Stan: Hey, back off!
Solider 3: Make sure all pan flute music CDs are contained! [Hazmat officers collect the CDs slowly, gingerly]
Scene Description: Stan's house, day. Randy is in the living room taking more video of Sharon and Shelly while they sit on the sofa.
Randy: There's Sharon and Shelly. They're watching some television. Wave to the camera, Shelly. [neither female responds to him] What are you watching, guys?
Sharon: [irritated] The news.
Randy: [draws even closer to her] Huh?
Sharon: [irritated] We're watching the news.
Randy: [turns the camera towards the TV] That's the TV in our living room, still showing commercials right now. [moves around to Shelly's side] What do you think about the television, Shelly? [Shelly remains quiet as Randy glances at the TV] Oh, the news is starting! [starts taking video of that]
Scene Description: CNN Breaking News
Anchorman Tom: The government efforts to stop the Peruvian flute band crisis are now in their third day. [Times Square in New York is shown, with more bands being arrested] In cities all over the world [a shot of St. Louis] flute bands have been removed and quarantined. [a shot of Seattle] But more may still be out there. Homeland Security's requesting that [a graphic appears that says pretty much the following] if you see a Peruvian flute band, do not approach it. Mark down the flute band's location, and do not, under any circumstances, buy their CDs. [the reporter reappears onscreen] The flute bands that have been contained are being taken to a quarantined area in Miami
Scene Description: Peruvian Flute Band Internment Camp, brought to you by the Department of Homeland Security, in Miami. More Peruvian bands join the already large crowd of bands there. The boys are among them.
Stan: Eh-excuse us. Hello? [spots a soldier in one of the watchtowers] Uh excuse me. Sir? Sir, there's been a misunderstanding. Can, can I talk to you for a minute?
Kyle: Sir? Sir, can we talk to you for just a second?
Guard: Get back! I'm not buying any of your damned CDs!
Stan: No. Sir, there's been a biiig misunderstanding. We actually aren't a Peruvian-
Guard: I said I'm not buying any God damned CDs today, you got that?! I'm sick of it!
A musician: [walks into view] Señor? Comprar CD la musica? ["Sir? Do you want to buy our music CD?"] [" [the soldier kills him with a few blasts from his automatic rifle]
Kenny: (Jesus Christ, he fucking shot that guy!)
Scene Description: Peruvian Flute Band Internment Camp, that night. The Peruvian flute bands play, and trashcans have been set ablaze to keep them warm. The camera pans to the boys, who sit around a small campfire moping around
Craig: "Hey, Craig. You know that money your grandma gave you for your birthday? How would you like to invest in a Peruvian flute band? You can double your money in one afternoon. Come on, Craig, don't be an asshole." [some alarms go off for a few seconds, then fall silent as Chertoff appears above the crowd with a blond translator to his left]
Michael Chertoff: Attention Peruvian flute bands
Translator: Atencione bandas de flauta Perú.
Michael Chertoff: We appreciate your cooperation and patience.
Translator: Cooperacion y peciencia es apreciado.
Michael Chertoff: Tomorrow you will be boarding ships...
Translator: Mañana sera el embarque de barcos...
Michael Chertoff: ...which will take you to Guantanamo Bay.
Translator: ...que la lleva a viajar Guantanimo.
Michael Chertoff: There you will spend the rest of your lives.
Translator: Donde pasar el resto de sus vidas. Gracias! [they turn and head inside. The Peruvian flute bands break up behind the boys and head back to their business]
Kyle: Guantanamo Bay?! We can't go to Guantanamo Bay!
Stan: Don't worry you guys. I'm sure our parents are freaking out right now trying to find us.
Scene Description: The Marsh house. Craig's parents are seated on the sofa. Kyle's parents and Sharon are standing.
Sharon: Please, Mr. and Mrs. Tucker, our boys were last seen hanging out with your son Craig. Do you have any idea where they could've gone?
Laura: No, I'm telling you. This isn't like Craig at all. I'm really worried.
Thomas: You've checked with the police?
Gerald: Nobody know anything. It's li-it's like the boys just vanished!
Sharon: None of the other kids have seen them since a- [notice Randy taping them] Randy, will you put that thing down?! What is wrong with you?! Our son is missing!
Randy: Hey, I'm worried about him too, Sharon.
Sharon: Well then stop being an idiot and help!
Thomas: Maybe the boys all ran away. Were any of your boys upset about anything?
Gerald: All we know is they were seen hanging out with Craig and now they're gone.
Sheila: That's exactly why I told Kyle not to hang around that boy.
Laura: What is that supposed to mean?
Sharon: To be honest, Mrs. Tucker, we think Craig is bad influence on our boys.
Laura: [quiet for a few seconds] Now wait just a minute!
Sharon: I'm just saying that your son has some problems a-
Thomas: Like every kid doesn't have some problems!
Sheila: Obviously Craig has gotten them into some kind of trouble.
Laura: Oh my God
Thomas: This is ridiculous!
Randy: [filming the argument] Ohhh this is good!
Gerlad: That's not ridicul-
Scene Description: Peruvian Flute Band Internment Camp, day. Michael Chertoff stands among some soldiers and DHS officials
Soldier 4: Sir, good news! Looks like we did it. Every major city is reporting zero Peruvian flute bands. We got 'em all! [other soldiers cry out "All right! We did it!"]
Michael Chertoff: Calm down people, we still have work to do! We have to take out the place these flute bands came from so they never come again!
Official 1: We don't know where they came from, sir. We... we've been researching, but we... can't figure it out.
Michael Chertoff: Well think about it, idiot! Where else would "Peruvian" flute bands come from? [everyone else mulls it over]
Official 1: Hmm...
Michael Chertoff: The country is in the name!
Official 2: No. Sir, we checked the entire map. There isn't a country called Peruvian anywhere.
Michael Chertoff: Not Peruvian, retards, Peru! It's right here! [points to the country on a world map]
Official 3: Peh-roo.
Michael Chertoff: Now I want a plan in place to take out Peru once and for all!
Official 1: Is that really necessary, sir? It seems a little extreme.
Soldier 2: Yeah.
Michael Chertoff: Peruvian flute bands will never stop annoying us [pounds his right fist onto his left palm] unless they are stopped at the source!
Chief aide: Sir, you'd better come quick. One of the pan flute bands was caught trying to escape.
Michael Chertoff: [grabs Official 2 by his tie] See? [lets go and leaves] God damn it! [they higher officials walk out behind him]
Scene Description: The interrogation room, moments later. Chertoff and his chief aide are grilling the boys, who are seated in a row behind a table. Two top officials stand out of the way nearby
Michael Chertoff: [holds the CD the boys were carrying] The Llama Brothers: Tapas and Moodscapes.
Stan: This is a mistake, sir, we aren't really a Peruvian flute band.
Michael Chertoff: Right. You just play pan flute music at the mall and sell CDs of you with a llama, but you're not a Peruvian flute band.
Stan: We... we- we're just kids, you know? We, we were just trying to make some money.
Kyle: We just wanna go home.
Kenny: (Sir, please, I'm supposed to get laid for the first time on Saturday.)
Michael Chertoff: Which tourist location were they playing at?
Chief aide: An outdoor mall in Colorado.
Kyle: Look, we're from Colorado! We, we grew up in the United States.
Stan: We we speak English!
Cartman: And we're white.
Michael Chertoff: Let me talk to you guys out here. [takes his chief aide and the two other officials into the observation room and closes the door.] Well what do you think?
Chief aide: I don't know what to make of it sir. It's like nothing I've ever seen before. Clearly they are a Peruvian flute band and yet they... aren't. They play pan flute music like the others, but they talk and act like ...one of us.
Michael Chertoff: I agree. They're obviously some kind of... hybrid.
Official 1: A hybrid? Ah how is that possible?
Chief aide: Perhaps a Peruvian flute band mated with one of our females. Who knows?
Michael Chertoff: Well however they came to be, they're about the only piece of good luck we've had. [walks to the one-way window]
Official 1: Sir?
Michael Chertoff: If they are the hybrid we're talking about, [puts his left arm up high against the window and presses his head against that] then they could be our way of taking out Peru once and for all.
Scene Description: The interrogation room. The boys wait for the officials to return
Craig: Do you guys know why nobody else at school likes hanging out with you? [the other boys look at each other] Because you're always doing stuff like this. You're always coming up with some stupid idea to do something, and then it backfires, and then you end up in some foreign country, or in outer space or something. That's why no one likes hanging out with you guys.
Cartman: You're being extremely negative, Craig. [Chertoff and the others return]
Michael Chertoff: [approaches the boys] All right, here's the deal: Maybe you are on our side and maybe you aren't, but if you help us... we'll get you home.
Stan: Help you how?
Michael Chertoff: [walks around the table and the boys] You're able to walk amongst the Peruvian flute bands. They see you as one of them. We are going to send you to their Capital.
Craig: Can we please just go home, sir?
Michael Chertoff: [drops the CD onto the table] We still don't know whose side you're on! You do this, and we'll know! You leave for Peru in the morning.
Kyle: No! No, I'm not going to Peru! Not Peru! [almost falls apart, but Stan grabs him and holds him in place]
Stan: Kyle, calm down.
Kyle: You know I can't go there, Stan!
Stan: One of our friends was raped in Peru. It was very traumatic. [the officials look at each other]
Michael Chertoff: You don't have a choice! Either you go to Peru, or you get locked up forever with the other flute bands.
Scene Description: Peruvian Flute Band Internment Camp, Paruvian flute bands are crowded near the fence staring outside with one solder in front of the fence.
Soldier 3: Thompson, can you come over here? [the translator from earlier walks up to him] The flute band players won't shut up about something and I can't understand them.
Musician 2: ¡Por favor! ¡No podemos ir! ¡Estamos aquí para proteger a ustedes! ["Please! We cannot go! We're here to protect you!"]
Musician 3: Sí. [Yes.]
Other Musicians: Sí. No podemos ir. Si, protectores. ["Yes. We can't go. Yes, protectors."]
Thompson: They're saying something like, "You can't send us away. We are the protectors."
Soldier 3: Protectors from what?
Musician 2: ¡La muerte peluda! ¡La muerte peluda! ["The furry death! The furry death!"]
Soldier 3: What does that mean?
Thompson: I think he said, "the furry death"?
Musician 2: ¡La muerte peluda! ¡La muerte peluda! ["The furry death! The furry death!"]
Scene Description: CNN Breaking News
Announcer: [gruffly] This is CNN.
Anchorman Tom: The last of the Peruvian flute bands have successfully been eradicated from every part of the world. Paul Harris is at the shopping promenade and Paul, pretty nice not having any Peruvian flute music there, I suspect.
Paul Harris: Really welcome silence, Tom. There hasn't been a Peruvian pan flute band in sight for days now, and everyone is really enjoying the peace. The world can breathe a collective sigh of relief now as we thank the- [a low moan is heard and a heavy footfall shakes the ground. The camera looks around for the source of the shaking] What the?! [an explosion has the camera focus on the resulting burst of fire]
Woman 2: [voice only] Oh my Gohhhd!
Woman 3: [voice only] Ohmigod! [a police car flies through the air from the direction of the blast.]
Paul Harris: Jesus Christ! [the police car lands between him and the water fountain upside down. Harris ducks down]
Shopper: AAAAHHH!! [Harris gets up again and looks at the damage]
Paul Harris: There's, there's something else here, it's... [the camera switches to the police car again] It's not a Peruvian flute band, it's a... Oh my God what is that thing?! [points to the sky, but the camera doesn't follow it]
Anchorman Tom: Paul Paul, what do you see?
Paul Harris: It's furry! It's very furry! [the transmission flickers, then fades out]
Anchorman Tom: Okay obviously something different has uh shown up a-... Did he say "furry"? [instantly another heavy footfall rattles the CNN newsroom and shorts out several monitors. Reporters and other worker scatter around] Okay uh we're we're experiencing some uh- [a second footfall shuts down the newsroom entirely and tilts the camera one way, but it's still airing. A third footfall tilts the camera in another direction and the roof is peeled back. A shaft of light strikes Tom's head as he looks up into the night] My God what is that thing?! [a fourth footfall tilts the camera down and in still another direction. Tom is lifted into the air...] AAAHHH!! [...and the camera finally stops transmitting, leaving behind an image of static, then nothing.]
Scene Description: The sky, night. A military airplane take to the air. Inside, the four boys sit on chairs in one side of the cabin. The pilot peeks in and then walks towards them.
Pilot: All right, we're about 800 kilometers from Peru. There'll be a truck to take you inside the border where you're briefed on mission specifics. [walks backwards into the cockpit and closes the door. The boys say nothing for a while]
Craig: Was there ever a moment when you guys first came up with the genius plan to become a Peruvian flute band that any of you said "Hey, you know? This plan might backfire." [no answer] No, that never occurred to you. Because you guys are jerks, and you never learn from your mistakes, and that's why everyone at school thinks you guys are assholes.
Kyle: That's not true. Kids at school like us. Don't they?
Stan: Yeah dude, kids at school totally like us. Craig is just being a dick because we're having a tough time right now.
Craig: [testing] I'm being a dick?
Stan: [firmly] Yes!
Craig: You guys took my birthday money, got me arrested and sent to Miami with no way home except to take down the country of Peru, and I'm being a dick?
Cartman: There's no talking to this guy.
Stan: All right, fine, Craig. When we get back home we'll get you your money back, and we'll never talk to you again. How's that?
Craig: That would be great. Thank you.
Kyle: This is wrong. Uh this just doesn't make any sense. Why would Homeland Security send us into Peru?
Kenny: (Because they're trying to take over the world?)
Kyle: Ah, I don't know, it just feels like... there's got to be something else going on here.
Scene Description: Stan's house, night. Sharon is talking to someone on the phone
Sharon: Please, I don't know where else to turn. The police haven't been any help, ugheh, I think our boys might really be in trouble this time. Yes. Yes. Please, check and call me right back. Thank you. [*click*She notices that Randy videotaped the call] Randy I swear to God if you don't put that thing away...!
Randy: Sharon, you're gonna be really glad I have all this footage of the family someday.
Sharon: [the scene continues with Randy's POV] I mean it Randy that's enough!! You don't have to videotape every single-!! [a low moan is heard. She stops and looks around, getting more afraid with each moan]
Randy: What the hell was that? [a heavy footfall shorts out the house]
Sharon: Oh my God.
Randy: Something's going on outside! Stay, stay here! [turns around and runs out]
Shelly: [coming down the stairs] What's going on, Dad? [Randy wheels around to see her]
Randy: Get back to your room, Shelly! [turns around and goes to the front door. He opens it and sees people running all over the street in a panic, He then points his camera at some helicopters overhead]
Scene Description: On the street. Randy steps out of the house and runs into Mr. Garrison.
Randy: What's going on?
Mr. Garrison: They're all over the place!
Randy: What are?!
Mr. Garrison: They're really furry! [runs off. Randy joins the others out on the street. He hears someone above him and points the camera to catch a man falling from the sky. A chunk of his body has been bitten off, exposing ribs on the right side]
Randy: What did that?! [moves his camera off the body and sees more people running. A giant guinea pig appears among the panicked residents] What is that thing?! [someone taps him from behind and he turns around to see who it is. Officer Barbrady appears on camera]
Officer Barbrady: Mr. Marsh, you have to move! It isn't safe to be here! [a house blows up and Randy starts running, his camera aimed at his feet. He aims his camera forward again and sees people rounding the corner and running his way. Linda Stotch is one of them.]
Linda: AAAAAAAAH!! [Two heavy footfalls follow and a car flies through the air from left to right. Another giant guinea pig walks along the crossroad towards the mangled car]
Randy: Oh my Gohhhd!
Stephen: [getting Randy's attention] Go go go go back the other way! [Randy runs back along the street, the camera again aimed at his feet. He stops and aims the camera at himself]
Randy: [out of breath] Oho, oh God, oh God, oh God. [pants] Oh God. [pants] I'm [pants] I'm so [pants] Startled.
A Woman: [voice only] Oh my Gohhhd! [Randy stops panting and looks to his left.]
Randy: HAAA! [A growl is heard and all of a sudden his camera goes dark.]
Scene Description: The Department of Homeland Security Headquarters. Michael Chertoff is back in the auditorium looking at the world map.
Chief aide: [entering] Sir? We've got a bigger problem.
Michael Chertoff: [smiles knowingly] Oh? And what might that be?
Chief aide: New reports are coming in from cities all over the world. Word of massive destruction and death by what ap-pear to be... [Chertoff turns around and smiles at him]
Michael Chertoff: [hiding a folder behind his back] Guinea pigs?
Chief aide: [softly] Yes sir. How did you know?
Michael Chertoff: You were so close to figuring it all out, Davis, did you know that?
Davis: Sir?
Michael Chertoff: I really thought you had me in Miami, but you just couldn't quite put the pieces together.
Davis: You... You... knew this was going to happen.
Michael Chertoff: Oh, this is only the beginning, Davis, and I can't let you interfere. [his face becomes monstrous. His tongue shoots out and stabs Davis in the right eye. Davis goes into convulsions for a long time, but finally dies. Chertoff releases his tongue's grip and it goes back into his mouth] Sorry my friend, but I've worked too hard to make all this happen. The pan flute bands are on their way to their deaths, the guinea pigs are rising, and the only person who could have stopped all this... is on his way to the middle of nowhere. [he looks at the folder he had behind his back. Attached to it is a picture... of Craig]