Scene Description: Windermere Florida, Thanksgiving night, 2009, 2:15 am. There's fighting inside a mansion as a couple screams at each other
Man: Put it down, you bitch!
Scene Description: Mansion, inside. The camera is focused on the dining room table and slowly pulls back. A golf club strikes a dirty dish and smashes it apart
Man: Put the golf club down, you crazy bitch! [it's Tiger Woods, cowering behind a chair]
Woman: [smashes some more dishes] You motherfucker! I never should have married you! [Elin, with a bad Swedish accent]
Tiger: You're overreacting, you stupid Swedish cow!
Elin: Then why-a the fuck are you getting a text-a message from some-a low-life-a hooker on Thanksgiving?!
Tiger: God, shut up! [runs out of the dining room] Shut! Up! [enters his den and starts rummaging through a drawer] Where are my fucking pills?! [finds them, takes a bunch, and swallows them]
Elin: Oh yeah! Take more vitamins, Tiger! That'll help!!
Tiger: Will you just listen to me?!
Elin: Listen to this-a! [runs up to him and whacks him across the face as he turns to face her, leaving a bleeding gash across his right cheek]
Tiger: [winces] Aaaah! [looks at her] You fucking whore!
Scene Description: Outside the front door. Tiger leaves the house and goes to his SUV, wiping himself clean. Elin follows him to the front door
Elin: Oh where the fuck do ya think-a you're going?!
Tiger: I'm getting the fuck away from you! [opens the drivers' side door and gets in the SUV. Elin approaches that door with the club. Tiger starts the engine, and Elin starts swinging at the left rear door]
Elin: Open the door, you motherfucker! [Tiger peels away]
Scene Description: A videogame store. Cartman and Kenny are playing a golf game featuring Tiger and Elin. The preceding scenes were from that game
Cartman: [playing as Tiger] Ooo yeah, take that from me in the car, Kenny! [Stan and Kyle walk into the store and spot the other two boys]
Stan: What are you guys doing?
Cartman: Dude, check it out! It's EA Sports Tiger Woods PGA Tour '11 for Xbox. [onscreen, Elin is chasing the SUV and leaving cracks in the rear windows with each swing of the club]
Tiger: D'Aaaah! Fuck you, cunt!
Cartman: Stop breaking through the window, Kenny! Whoa, I'm gonna crash I'm gonna crash! [Cartman loses control of the SUV, which hits a fire hydrant, then a tree. Elin catches up to the SUV as Tiger opens the door and staggers out, a bit dazed. The radiator is letting out steam]
Tiger: Aw, look what you did, you crazy bitch!
Elin: It serves you right, you cheating turd! [swings at him and misses]
Cartman: Oh dude, was that a combo move?
Kenny: (Yeah dude, I fucked you up.)
Cartman: Dude, here come the cops! We've gotta lie to them. Hit X to lie.
Kyle: Wow, I didn't know golf games were this cool.
Cartman: Yeah dude, EA Sports outdid themselves this time.
Scene Description: Center for Disease Control and Prevention - the CDC - day. A table full of experts and doctors is assembled on the top floor
Chairman: I've gathered you together here because you are the best minds our country has to offer. As you've all seen on the news, our country is facing a major crisis, and we need to find out what's causing it. [the men glance at each other] Why? Why are rich successful men suddenly going out and trying to have sex with lots of women?
Expert 1: [with mustache and black coat] Tiger Woods was only the most prevalent, but our data shows that the numbers are growing. David Letterman and before that, Bill Clinton. There's a pattern here, people.
Expert 2: [with mustache and midnight blue coat] Why would a man who's famous and makes tons of money use that and have sex with lots of different women? [glances at the woman to his left, then looks ahead again]
Chairman: [stands up] Aand these rich celebrities have perfectly good wives at home. Why would they even think of sex with others? Dammit! [pounds the table with his right fist, but manages only a soft blow] I want answers!
Expert 3: [balding, with lab coat] We believe that it may be an outbreak of sex addiction, sir.
Chairman: [sits down] Sex awhowho?
Expert 4: [glasses and lab coat] It's a new phenomena we don't completely understand yet, but it... seems to make people... different. Of course, we all know the normal healthy male thinks only of sex occasionally and has no desire for sex with multiple partners. [the other men murmur in agreement]
Expert 5: Definitely true.
Chairman: Yes, we all know that, go on.
Expert 4: But in the sex addict, their entire lives are consumed with thoughts of wanting more and more. The mere sight of an attractive woman could... can make them think about sex with her.
Expert 6: [with fat cheeks] But what about love? How could tons of fame and money make you forget about love? [looks at the woman to his right]
Chairman: What could be causing this outbreak of sexual addiction?
Expert 7: [black] It could be caused by something in the water supply. Uh, perhaps even by - global warming.
Expert 8: [Japanese ancestry] Or cooling.
Expert 9: Yes
Expert 7: If.so, then the disease could start to affect our children
Chairman: That does it! [pounds the table softly] I want health screening at all our nation's schools! We need to find out if any young people might be carrying this disease.
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day, 4th Grade classroom. A researcher stands before the class with a clipboard
Expert 9: Good afternoon, students. We are going to be a doing a health screening today. It won't take long, it'll be relatively painless, but we need to see if any students are showing... symptoms. [to his left is a cart with two beakers, a tray, and a picture resting against the legs] I'n a moment, I'm going to show you a suggestive picture. [puts the tray on the middle shelf of the cart and picks up the picture] And then I'm going to ask you a question about that picture. Alright, ready? Here we go. [turns the picture around and a naked couple appears, caressing. The class gasps]
The class: Oh! Wow. Ohhh.
Kenny: [cheering] (Woo hoo!)
Kyle: Jesus, dude.
Butters: Holy moly, what's that between the lady's legs? It's all bushy.
Expert 9: Please just study the picture the best you can, students. I'll then ask you the question which you'll answer on the paper provided.
Butters: [pointing] I've never seen that part of a lady! Do they all got a hedge like that? Do they??
Expert 9: Okay, very good. [sets the picture down against the cart again] Now, what color... was the handkerchief in the nice lady's hand? Write down your answer, please: what color was the handkerchief... in the nice lady's hand?
Butters: [to Clyde] Did you see that bush on that lady?? What the heck was that??
Expert 9: Very good, turn your answers over please. [the students turn their sheets over]
Butters: Gee whiz, it was like almost up to her belly button!
Expert 9: Alright, now, who answered that the handkerchief was... yellow? [most of the kids raise their hands] Very good, very good indeed. Now I'd like to see who answered "What handkerchief?" [Kenny is the first to raise his hand. Kyle is nervous and looks around, but then raises his left hand. Butters looks over at them and then raises his left hand] A-ha! You three boys, please come with me. [heads for the door as Kyle, Kenny, and Butters leave their seats]
Kyle: I didn't see a handkerchief. Did you see a handkerchief, Kenny?
Kenny: (Fuck no, I wasn't looking at a handkerchief!)
Scene Description: a small unused office at school. The researcher takes the boys into the office, has them sit at a table, and sits opposite them
Expert 9: I'm sorry boys, but I'm afraid you three have tested positive for sex addiction.
Kyle: What?!
Butters: Oh no!
Kenny: [annoyed] (Who fuckin' cares?)
Expert 9: We're gonna have to send you home, I'm afraid.
Kyle: Wait, we're sex addicts? Uh-are you sure?
Expert 9: Our nice-lady-with-the-handkerchief test is extremely comprehensive and thorough. I'm sorry, but you're simply too dangerous to have around normal, well-adjusted students.
Butters: It was just... so big and bushy sir. Why does it look like that?
Kyle: So what happens to us now?
Expert 9: [sighs and rises from his chair, walking off] A life of desperation and anguish, I'm afraid. Your addiction will start off slowly - magazines, Internet sites - but then, as you keep chasing your high your tastes will get more and more dangerous. Most likely you'll end up going the way of David Carradine and Michael Hutchence: autoerotic asphyxiation.
Kenny: (Autoerotic asphyxiation? What's that?)
Expert 9: I don't want to go into too much detail but... you choke yourself with a belt around your neck while masturbating dressed up like Batman or something, then you pass out from lack of air and apparently it makes your orgasm super awesome.
Kenny: (Really??)
Butters: Oh no. I don't wanna have to buy a Batman costume.
Scene Description: CDC Headquarters, day. The chairman and his board address the public
Chairman: Ladies and gentlemen, for the past several days we've been screening our nation's schools for signs of sex addiction. The results of our tests are troubling to say the least. Dr. Tonton?
Dr. Tonton: [expert 9, as it turns out. He heads to a chart] In fourth graders, five percent of male students were found to be sex addicts. By sixth grade the number goes up to thirty percent. At high schools, nearly ninety-one percent of male students answered, "What handkerchief?"
Chairman: We're facing a sex addiction epidemic in our country. Young people all over America are infected, and at extreme risk to themselves and to the people around them. [Kyle watches this on TV from his bed] They're leading lives of secret pain.
Reporter 1: And so these infected boys will soon be secretly wishing they could be having sex all the time with lots of different people?
Chairman: It appears so.
Reporter 1: The poor bastards!
Reporter 2: But what about us normal healthy adults? Are we at risk of exposure?
Chairman: We don't believe so. In adult males, for whatever reason, sex addiction only seems to be problematic amongst rich successful celebrities. [Randy watches this on TV from bed. Sharon is beside him reading a book instead] However, we are still collecting data, and all-
Randy: Why would wealth and success cause a man to go out and have sex with everyone he could?
Chairman: -answers which we all desire. [next scene is the McCormick living room] Whatever is causing this outbreak, we guarantee we will find it! [Mrs. McCormick comes out with a pizza]
Mrs. McCormick: Kenny, it's time for dinner! [goes upstairs to Kenny's room and looks inside] Kenny? [turns around and gasps. Kenny had hanged himself from his closet door with a belt while dressed in a Batman suit and masturbating to a magazine. His left hand is tucked inside the tights, around the genitals] AAAA!
Scene Description: Kenny's funeral, day.
Priest: Sunset and Evening Star, and one clear call for me, and may their be no moaning of the bar when I put out to sea.
Kyle: Oh God, it's true.
Priest: But such a tide as moving seems asleep, too full for sound and foam, when that which drew from out the boundless deep t-
Butters: There! It was like that! It looked just like that! [stands on his chair and points to a bush, then walks over to it] Just like this, buh, but smaller, and right in the place where her underwear should've been. If I trim it down, it'll look right..
Kyle: [reaching him] Butters! Butters, stop it!
Butters: [fights Kyle off] But this is what I keep seeing in my head!
Kyle: [pulls him away from the bush] Butters, we are sick! Don't you get it?! We're gonna end up just like Kenny!
Butters: [fights Kyle off again] No, uh, if I can just see it again, I, I'll be fine.
Kyle: No! Butters, stop! [slaps him]
Butters: Haah! Leave me alone! [reaches for the bush again]
Kyle: Stop it! Stop! [pulls him back and flings him to the ground. They fight for a few seconds, then break down and cry out] Oh God! Oh God, help us!
Scene Description: EA Sports Tiger Woods PGA Tour '11. Tiger is about to tee off.
Commentator: Tiger... lines up his drive. He'll be hoping for a birdie here. Concentration is key.
Elin: [runs into the scene from screen right with her own golf club] You motherfucker! I never should have married you! [starts hitting him with it]
Tiger: Aaagh! Goddamnit, stop it! [blocks her club with his, as in a sword fight, and now they trade blows]
Elin: How many women did you fuck-a?! How many?!
Stan: Aw dude, I clocked you!
Cartman: I told you this game was sweet, dude.
Stan: Hang on, hang on, I'm switching to a 7-iron. [Elin gets a new club and her swings get faster]
Cartman: Oh! O-oh! Oh man, I lost another endorsement! How'd you do that?
Stan: Hit A and X together.
Announcer: Round 2. Fight!! [Tiger and Elin face off again and start swinging]
Cartman: Oh, you're going down, Elin!
Stan: I don't think so dude, I got the pre-nup power-up.
Announcer: Pre-nup power-up. [a pre-nuptial agreement appears onscreen and then flies off. Elin swings and Tiger a few more times and he's on the grass on his back]
Cartman: Oh no! [Elin continues beating up Tiger] Pre-nup? Weak. When'd you get that power-up?
Scene Description: Karne Institute for Sexual Addiction, day. "A New Tomorrow, Yesterday."
Therapist: All right, sex addicts. What other destructive behaviors that we engaged in that led to our ultimate downfall? [on the dry-erase board are three examples: "Sex Shop Visits, Sex With Hookers, Going To Strip Clubs"] Anyone have another example? Let's see, how about... David!
David Letterman: Haha, Oh, ahh, having sex with employees.
Therapist: [writing on the board] "Sex with employees." Definitely a danger there. What else? Uh, Mr. Clinton.
Bill Clinton: Putting cigars in girls' vaginas?
Therapist: Very good, Billy. [writing on the board] "cigars in vaginas." Not the best idea there.
Charlie Sheen: Watching Internet porn all day every day?
Therapist: Spot on, Charlie Sheen! Excessive [writing on the board] "Internet porn." Now, the reason we are making this list is that we have new members today. I want you all to welcome Kyle and Bummers. The men all turn to look at the boys, who are seated in the last row.
Kyle: Hello?
The men: Hey Kyle, hi Kyle.
Therapist: And would you care to share your stories with us, boys?
Kyle: Well, I just found out I'm a sex addict. I'm so scared, I haven't even told my mom yet.
Bill Clinton: Does your mom have big tits?
Therapist: Billy!
Bill Clinton: [sheepishly] Sorry...
Butters: Me, I just... Well I just can't stop thinking about bush.
Ben Roethlisberger: I heard that.
Butters: I mean it's like, what is it? What does it mean? Why would there be a bush right there? Is it a live bush? Are there berries?
Therapist: Mr. Duchovny, please stop jerking off!
David Duchovny: [stops] Aw, gee whiz!
Scene Description: CDC labs, day.
Expert 4: To better understand the sex addiction outbreak, we've been running tests on chimpanzees. [an enclosure full of chimps is shown] You can see that this entire community of specimens are getting along normally, some pairing off, others on their own, but now see this chimp here. [a chimp is shown sitting peacefully scratching himself here and there] An average adult normal male blending in seamlessly with the others. Now watch. We're going to give it a lot of money. [presses a button and speaks into a mic] Go ahead. [two researchers walk into the enclosure and dump lots of dollar bills on the peaceful chimp and walk out. The chimp looks at the money and starts getting excited. He stands up and grins widely, then walks around with dollars bills in his hands. He walks up to a chimp with a baby chimp in her hands and bangs her from behind. She lets the baby go. The male chimp moves on to the next female and bangs her face to face, then he moves to the third female and bangs her from behind. ]
Chairman: My God...
Expert 4: Yes... [the chimp goes on to bang two other females and an angry chimp is heard in the background. She comes out in curlers, robe, and slippers, and wields a rolling pin. She approaches the male chimp and beats him up with the rolling pin, then walks away as he writhes on the ground. The other chimps hoot and holler, and one of them throws feces at him] The subject is now isolated and shunned.
Chairman: Incredible. And, and what's it doing now?
Expert 4: Making a public apology on its talk show. [and so it is]
Scene Description: Karne Institute for Sexual Addiction, day.
Therapist: Alrighty. Now, we all know the destructive behaviors that got us into this predicament, don't we? What is the main thing we've all learned to avoid? [Tiger raises his hand] Yes, Tiger?
Tiger Woods: Avoid drugs? And alcohol?
The other men: Auugh!
Therapist: No, no, Tiger, you still aren't getting it. [Kyle has a memo pad and pen, Butters is trimming a small bonsai tree] In order to make sure we are no longer destroying our lives with any of these behaviors, we must avoid... anyone? Avoid getting... anyone?
Michael Douglas: Caught.
Therapist: Yes, Michael Douglas! Everyone!
The Men: Getting caught.
Therapist: Very good! You are all here in therapy [draws a big circle around the destructive behaviors and writes "CAUGHT" over them] because you got caught! So how do we avoid getting caught? Ben Rothlisberger?
Ben Rothlisberger: Don't screw girls in the public bathrooms?
David Letterman: When they uh ask you for money, pay them.
Therapist: Good, yes!
Kyle: Whoa, hang on! We shouldn't be learning how not to get caught. We have to take responsibility for our actions. [Butters stops trimming the tree, the men all look at Kyle]
Bill Clinton: [breaks the silence] What the fuck are you talkin' about?
Kyle: Well, ah I mean, we have to accept that we have a problem, and put the blame completely on ourselves. I mean, maybe this isn't really even a disease. [the therapist turns around and walks away from the group, then places a call]
Therapist: Yeah, it's me. We've got a turd in the punch bowl. I repeat, we have a turd in the punch bowl.
Scene Description: The White House, Oval Office, day. The chairman of the CDC and a researcher are talking to President Obama
Chairman: Mr. President, in every test the results were the same. The monkeys who were given cash always acted out their sexual addiction to dangerous levels. It appears that money has a direct effect on the virus's ability to develop.
Obama: So we must keep our nation's youth away from money and success.
Chairman: No good, Mr. President. Because we've learned that sex addicts will find ways to make money and become successful in order to feed their addiction.
Obama: You mean boys will start working towards being rich and successful just so they can one day have sex with lots of women??
Chairman: Yes. That's why we decided to look at the cash itself for clues! We tried to find something in the hundred dollar bill that could explain why this is happening now. Then we looked at the backside, and found this. [points to the picture of Independence Hall on the back of the bill] Independence Hall.
Obama: The birthplace of our country.
Chairman: We believe something is happening in Independence Hall that gives money its power over men.
Obama: Independence Hall... Independence Day... Aliens... Gentlemen, I might know what's causing the sex addiction outbreak. This is highly classified, but... in 1947 a flying saucer was discovered in Roswell, New Mexico. Two deceased alien bodies were recovered and hidden from public knowledge. They carried... a virus with them. A virus that only barely stopped from spreading all over the country.
Chairman: And you think that these aliens... could be back with a new virus? One originating from Independence Hall causing rich successful men to have sex with lots of women?!
Obama: [seriously] It's the only explanation that makes any sense. [glances at Michelle, who doesn't react, then looks at the chairman again]
Scene Description: Tiger Woods' press conference. "I WAS UNFAITHFUL, HAD AFFAIRS, AND I CHEATED."
Tiger: I want to say that I am deeply sorry for my irresponsible and selfish behavior. I know that I have severely disappointed all of you. Some have speculated that my wife somehow hurt or attacked me on Thanksgiving Night. It angers me that people would fabricate a story like that. She has shown nothing but grace and poise-
Elin: [off-stage] You motherfucker!
Tiger: Oh no!
Elin: I should have never married [jumps out from behind the curtain and whacks him with a golf club] youuu! [continues whacking him]
Tiger: Agh! Stop it!
Elin: A porn star?! You screwed a porn star?! [the camera pulls back to reveal the video game the boys were playing earlier]
Cartman: Dude, you found another girl's phone number on my cell phone??
Stan: Yeah, back in that water level. [looks over at the front door, then back at the game] Is Kyle still at sex-addiction therapy? That must be really intense.
Scene Description: A military helicopter in the night sky. Kyle and Butters are with the other addicts
Kyle: Okay so, what exactly are we doing now?
Therapist: [sighs heavily] We are on our way to help take of your diseases once and for all!
Butters: Oh good, 'cause I really can't take it anymore.
Therapist: Don't worry, as soon as it's dead everything will make sense.
Kyle: ...As soon as what's dead? [the men groan]
Therapist: The infected alien that they just discovered is hiding out at Independence Hall!
Scene Description: Independence Hall, night. Police, SWAT, and firefighters swarm the grounds and police barricades are put up. The front doors blow off their hinges and the SWAT team moves in.
SWAT Officer 1: Entrance is clear, Mr. President. [Obama leads the chairman and other CDD officials into the front room of the building]
Chairman: Mr. President, you aren't safe here. Let us handle this.
SWAT Officer 2: Right side clear!
Expert 4: We must be careful. The alien could have cast some kind of spell of invisibility.
Obama: [softly] Which would mean that the alien is also a wizard.
Expert 10: Yes! It explains everything! A wizard alien would be able to cast a spell on our species, causing all the men to become sex addicts.
Obama: Enough! We need to find the wizard alien and break his spell.
SWAT Officer 2: [chuckles] Okay okay alright alright, hang, hang on guys. I mean, come on, this is getting a little ridiculous. Wizard aliens? We all know what's going on here, don't we? Whenever a story breaks about some rich famous guy going around and having sex with tons of girls, we all wanna act like we don't understand it, but we do. We're guys, you know? Our brains are wired to strive to be the alpha male and get all the women we can. [walks into an open area in the room] I mean, look where we are. Even, even Benjamin Franklin screwed everything that moved. Because he could. We don't have to condone what these rich, famous people do, but... we can at least admit that, given the same temptations and opportunities that somebody like Tiger Woods has, a lot of us guys might do somethin' similar. [Obama thinks this over...]
Obama: [speaks into a mic strapped to his wrist] We have a turd in the punch bowl.
Secret Service Agent: Turd in the punch bowl. [the other SWAT members close in on him]
SWAT Officer 2: Hey, what are you doin- No. No, come on. [and take him away] Where are you takin' me?
Scene Description: News 4 news break. A reporter and camera are outside Independence Hall
News 4 Reporter: Ten city blocks have been shut down because an alien is believed to have taken refuge here in Independence Hall. By all accounts, the alien is also a wizard, who could very easily be the cause of the outbreak of sex addiction in our country. [everyone in the Hall is moving around cautiously, with flashlights on.]
SWAT Officer 3: [voice only] Mr. President, here they are. [all flashlights point towards the source of the voice. The SWAT officers make way for the therapist, Kyle, and Butters]
Therapist: This is the boy I told you about. And his friend, Bummers.
Chairman: Son, we were told that you think sex addiction can be controlled. That it just takes restraint. Is that true?
Kyle: I just think I'd rather... control it instead of blame it on anything.
Chairman: A-mazing. Then the wizard alien spell might not have any power over him! He could draw the bastard out!
Obama: Quick, give that boy a gun! [a SWAT officer gives him a rifle]
Kyle: What?
SWAT Officer 3: You'd better take one too. [gives Butters a rifle]
Obama: Alright, everyone to the stairwell. The bastard's gotta be upstairs. [moves towards the stairs as well]
Kyle: What bastard?
Obama: [looks back at Kyle] The alien wizard hiding out here! Come on, we've got tuh- [a muffled voice is heard]
Chairman: [on the stairs] The hell was that?
SWAT Officer 4: I got a baaad feelin' about this. [behind Kyle and Butters, a door opens and the kidnapped SWAT officer stumbles out with his hands tied in front of him and holding a wand, wearing a huge green mascot head of an alien with ogre ears, a white beard, and a wizard's hat.]
Dr. Tonton: Oh my God there it is!
Chairman: It's the alien wizard! It's gonna get you boys! Shoot it! [a strobe light flickers on and off, blinding the bound SWAT officer, who stumbles around trying to free himself]
Obama: Shoot it boys!
Expert 6: You have to shoot it! [Kyle fires a shot]
Chairman: Shoot it again, it's still alive! [Butters fires a shot]
SWAT Officer 5: You gotta reload! [the boys reload slowly]
Expert 4: Keep firing, boys! Shoot it in the heart! [Kyle fires a shot]
Obama: Keep shooting it!
Expert 11: Shoot him in his blabber mouth! [Kyle fires again, then Butters fires a shot, and the SWAT officer falls to the floor dead. The strobe light keeps flashing just in case]
Chairman: My God, they've done it!
Scene Description: Outside Independence Hall. The sex addicts dance around and moan gleefully
Bill Clinton: Look! The sex addiction! It's leavin' my body!
David Letterman: I can feel it! I'm free!
Another addict: We are healed!
Scene Description: The White House, day. President Obama addresses the nation from the South Lawn. "Sexual Healing" plays in the background
Obama: We watched... as sex addiction ran rampant through our country. It devastated families. But once again, our great country has risen up as one. The wizard alien... is dead. Sex addiction is no more. And if a rich celebrity is caught again trying to screw lots of women, we will know it isn't because men are just like that, it's because a wizard alien has cast his mighty spell. [the crowd on the lawn jumps up and cheers]
Randy: [watching this on TV in the bedroom] Oh I'm so glad it's over, Sharon. Aren't you? [Sharon isn't paying any attention, preferring to read a book]
News 4 Reporter: We are now with the young boys who helped stop the alien. Boys, how does it feel to be free of your illness?
Kyle: [unsure] I guess it... feels great. Thanks. [Butters looks pissed off]
Butters: Yeah, it feels great! I never wanna see bush again! [swats the reporter's hand away and walks towards the camera] I finally paid a lady to show me hers. You wanna know what's under that bush? Nothin' but a pair of sick Joker lips.
Scene Description: Tiger Woods' press conference. "I AM RETURNING TO GOLF IN 3 WEEKS."
Tiger: I am so happy that I am cured, and no longer have any desire to have sex with anyone but my beautiful wife. Now I can be faithful. And my wife won't feel any need to get revenge by sleeping with a bunch of guys. [she glances at him, he glances at her, she glances back at him] So I officially announce my return to golf.
Scene Description: EA Sports Tiger Woods PGA Tour '11. Tiger tees off and the audience claps approvingly. The ball reaches 350 yards. Nothing more exciting happens
Cartman: What the hell?! This game's all boring now!
Stan: Yeah, where's all the fighting?
Cartman: Dude, screw this! [gets off the sofa and throws his controller to the floor, then walks away] Who wants to hit a dumb little ball around?!
Stan: Yeah, golf is stupid again. [gets off the sofa and tosses his controller onto the sofa, then follows Cartman out]


Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day, Fourth Grade class. The bell rings and Mr. Garrison enters with a box of books.
Mr. Garrison: Okay kids, let's take our seats. [sets the box down on the desk] There has been a change in school policy, and so I'm assigning you all a book to read.
Cartman: [sarcastically, folds his arms together] Aww, books? God, I hate those!
Mr. Garrison: Now, kids, this book is very controversial and has just been taken off the banned books list. [the book in question is J.D. Salinger's The Catcher In The Rye]
Cartman: Oh really? Sweet.
Mr. Garrison: It's called The Catcher In The Rye, and it has some very... risqué parts... [begins handing out the books individually]
Stan: All right!
Mr. Garrison: ...and strong vulgar language...
Kenny: (Awesome, dude!)
Mr. Garrison: ...and in fact many schools across the country still ban this book because it's thought to be so inappropriate.
Cartman: Oho man, I can't wait!
Mr. Garrison: Tonight I want you to read chapters one through five, and tomorrow we'll discuss the-
Cartman: No on, come on, let's read it now!
Kyle: Mr. Garrison, didn't the guy who shot John Lennon say it was because of this book?
Mr. Garrison: Uh-yes, apparently John Lennon's killer said he was inspired by The Catcher In The Rye, but he was just a kook! [jabs his left index finger at the floor]
Cartman: Whoa, you're telling us this book is filthy, inappropriate, and made a guy shoot the king of hippies? Can we please read this right now?!
Mr. Garrison: You will read it at home, [jabs his left index finger at the floor again, then puts his palms on his hips] and you will all be mature about its adult themes and language!
Class: Awww!
Scene Description: Kyle's house, that afternoon. Kyle is reading at his desk, Stan is on the floor next to Kyle's bed reading. Kyle is almost finished with the book while Stan is halfway through it.
Stan: Did you get to any dirty parts yet?
Kyle: No, it's still just some whiny, annoying teenager talking about how lame he is.
Stan: [turns the page] I don't get it dude, w-what's so controversial about this? All he's done is said "shit" and "fuck" a few times.
Kyle: I know. I'm almost at the end and there's nothing. [the door opens and a pissed-off Cartman enters and closes the door]
Cartman: Motherfucker! [Kyle turns around to face him, Stan stands up and walks up to him] The whole thing! I read the whole fucking thing! I kept thinking, "alright, I guess the cool offensive stuff must be coming," and then after like a hundred pages I was like "alright, I guess all the dirty stuff is at the end," and then I got to the last page, and I was all "the fuck is this?! I just read a book! For nothing!"
Kyle: [picks up his book] Why the hell was this book banned?!
Cartman: They fucking tricked us, that's what they did! Tricked us into reading a book by, enticing us with promises of vulgarity! [the door opens again and Kenny enters with his book]
Kenny: (Dude, what the fuck is so filthy or offensive in here?)
Cartman: We know, we were just saying that.
Stan: Why would anyone think this book so obscene or dangerous?
Scene Description: Butters' house, same time. He's reading the book at the kitchen table with an odd look in his eyes. He sets the book down
Butters: Kill John Lennon... [leaves his chair and walks across the kitchen] Kill John Lennon... Kill John Lennon... [reaches into a bottom drawer and pulls out a large steak knife] Kill John Lennon! [walks by his dad's study and stops to look in] Hey dad, where does John Lennon live?
Stephen: John Lennon's dead, Butters.
Butters: [lowers the knife instantly] Aww. Dangit. [drops it and walks away]
Kyle: Dude, some people really do consider this obscene.
Cartman: It's not obscene, dude! I'll show them fucking obscene!
Stan: Hey yeah, we should write our own banned book. [Kyle breaks into a grin]
Cartman: Yeah, we could get a book banned way more than this one.
Kyle: Yeah, sweet.
Kenny: (Awesome.)
Kyle: [starts typing] The Tale of... [can't think of anything, so his smile disappears]
Cartman: The Tale of... Scrotie McDickinass.
Kenny: (No, No, Scrotie McBoogerballs)
Kyle: Oh that's, [giggles] yeah that's good, that's good. Alright, chapter... one...
Cartman: It was a... a warm spring morning. [background music plays and a montage follows. Next is the school playground where, as other kids play, Stan and the other three sit on the steps of a side entrance and continue working on their book, with Cartman taking notes Next is Stan's room where Stan is typing the next part of the book. The boys are having fun with the writing. Next scene is in Cartman's room where Cartman is again writing the story down. Kyle has brought Ike over for company. Finally, a few days later, Sharon enters Stan's room to put away his clean clothes. She puts away some underwear, but notices something in the drawer. Under Stan's shirts is the manuscript to the story the boys have been working on. Sharon reaches for it.]
Scene Description: Stan's room, day. Sharon grabs the manuscript and begins reading it
Sharon: "The Tale of Scrotie McBoogerballs"? [goes to the first page] "It was a warm summer morning when Scrotie McBoogerballs awoke to find his"... [reads silently] Ew. "He took a..." [stunned] What? Oh. OH! Oh my God! "He then grabbed his dog's" [stifles a gag but can't hold it in, and barfs] Ehohoh, oh my God! "Walking out of his house he spotted the bloodiest pus-covered" [tries not to barf again, but can't hold it in] Nooo! Nooo! [reads some more, but then coughs, then barfs] Noho! Nooo! [Sharon then falls unconscious and rolls on her back]
Scene Description: The Marsh kitchen, downstairs. Sharon races down with the manuscript...
Sharon: Randy? [spots him working on a small wooden ship and runs in] Randy! Randy, you need to read this!
Randy: Read what?
Sharon: This book! Our son and his friends wrote it!
Randy: So?
Sharon: Soo? Randy, it's, it's, it's really good!
Randy: Huh?
Sharon: I mean it's disgusting. [hands the manuscript over to him] It's, it's the most disgusting thing I've ever read, but, the plot is amazing. And the characters are so... vivid!
Randy: "It was a warm summer morning when Scrotie McBoogerballs awoke to find hi-" Ew, Sharon, gross!
Sharon: Nono, just keep reading.
Randy: "He took a- and then-" Oh, man. Oh, this- [turns to his left and barfs on the floor. Sharon turns away and shields herself]
Sharon: I know. I know, Randy, but trust me. You've gotta push through to the end.
Randy: Noo, noo, that's just WRONG!
Sharon: Randy please! You've got to listen to me!
Randy: "Walking out of the house he found a bloody pu-" What? "He immediately stuck up his im...fected ba-" [barfs again. He spends a couple hours more reading, and finally reaches the last few pages. There's a pail in front of him now, but the vomit has gone all over the place. He has a small towel in his left hand covered in vomit. His voice is now soft and beat] "That was all long ago in some brief lost spring, in a place that is no more. In that hour the vaj frogs begin and the scent off Scrotie's infected anus becomes its strongest." Oh... Oh, man.
Sharon: Well?
Randy: It's... it's awesome. Sharon it's it's the best book I've ever read.
Sharon: Right? It's not just me.
Randy: No, it's... I mean, the whole part about Amsterdam, wow!
Sharon: What do we do, Randy? We can't support our son talking like this, but I, I mean.
Randy: NO! I kn... I know! People need to read this book, Sharon, this is... this is Pulitzer prize stuff.
Scene Description: Cartman's house, day, living room. Kenny, Cartman and Kyle are playing a video game
Cartman: Hehehhh, you're dead, Kenny!
Stan: [runs into the living room in a panic] Guys, guys! We are totally fucked! The book is gone from my dresser drawer. My parents must have found it!
Cartman: ...so why are we all fucked? They'll think you wrote it all.
Stan: Hey hey! I'm not taking the heat for this alone! We all wrote it! If I'm going down, somebody has to go down with me!
Kyle: Well if I'm going down, Cartman's going down!
Cartman: And if I'm going down, both Kyle and Kenny are definitely going down!
Stan: Well dude, somebody has got to go down!
Scene Description: Butters' house, day. He's in the living room watching TV. Cartman walks in with the other three boys
Cartman: Butters, what are you up to?
Butters: Oh hey fellas. I'm just watching the Kardashians
Kim: Today my sisters and I are gonna have to wash something. It's gonna blow!
Butters: Kim Kardashian is sooo sexy. Her butt is like a biiig mountain of pudding.
Stan: Butters, listen: you are in big trouble!
Butters: I am?
Cartman: Yeah, you remember that book you wrote? Stan's mom found it.
Butters: Oh no. Which book was that?
Cartman: Dude, the book you left with us when you were sleepwalking last night!
Butters: I don't even remember that. [gasps] But it all makes sense now. Ever since I read The Catcher In The Rye I've been having these... blackouts. Crazy thoughts of wanting to kill the phonies. I must have channeled all my angst into dark writings in my sleep!
Scene Description: Kyle's house, day. The boys and their parents are in the living room
Sharon: Alright boys, we need to get to the bottom of this.
Sheila: We've all read the book now and it is very shocking to say the least.
Stan: Okay, well... a-actually it was all written by... Butters. [Butters walks in hanging his head]
Cartman: That's right.
Randy: Butters? Is that true?
Butters: Yeah, though I barely remember it, but I know I did.
Gerald: Well Butters, we think... that this is one of the BEST books we've ever read.
Butters: Huh?
Kyle: What? [the other boys can't believe it]
Gerald: Yeah, it's really amazing.
Butters: [brightens up] Oh, thanks.
Sheila: We were actually so moved by your book, Butters, that we brought Mr. Needlebaum from Penguin Publishing to read it.
Mr. Needlebaum: Mr. Butters, we would like to offer you a deal for first publishing rights to your brilliant novel.
Stan: Hey, wait a minute, that's ours!
Kyle: Yeah, we wrote that!
Randy: Ohkay boys, you already told the truth.
Kyle: No, no, w-we we really did write it. Tell them, Butters.
Butters: I wrote that. [the adults begin to murmur amongst themselves]
Stephen: Really amazing.
Stan: What? Hey! [Butters is pleased for once]
Scene Description: A news report
News Anchor: It is being called the most disgusting, foul, sickening book ever written, and it is also being called "literary genius." The Tale of Scrotie McBoogerballs hit the shelves this weekend, and so far no one has been able to get through the first paragraph without vomiting.
Scene Description: Frontier Books. Everyone who's buying or reading the book is vomiting after reading a few seconds of it, then back to the news report
News Anchor: The book has already sold millions of copies worldwide aaand has been translated into twenty six languages.
Scene Description: a reading in Chinese. The book cover is shown in Chinese. Even just hearing it, the Chinese audience vomits after Scrotie McBoogerballs' name. The reader continues for a few more seconds, but has to stop to vomit into the pail next to him. The audience vomits some more, and the reader continues, After reading Jessica Parker's name, he gets off his stool and vomits into the pail some more. The audience vomits some more. Then back to the news report
News Anchor: The book is changing the literary world. And it is all thanks... to Leopold "Butters" Stotch. [a picture of Butters in a pensive pose pops up]
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The students mill around. Principal Victoria, Mr. Mackey, and Mr. Adler supervise the hallway
Clyde: Hey, here he comes!
Mr. Adler: Amazing book, Butters. [Mr. Garrison comes out of his classroom]
Butters: Thank you! [clasps his hands together and congratulates himself as he walks down the hallway]
Mrs. Streibel: You've changed my life, young man.
Butters: That's nice. [waves to everyone and walks on, but runs into Stan and the boys, who are mad at him]
Cartman: Butters, what the fuck do you think you're doing?!
Butters: Just enjoying myself. Why, Eric?
Kyle: Butters, you know goddamned well you didn't write that book!
Butters: But, you told me I did!
Stan: Yeah, but that was when we thought we were gonna get in trouble, asshole! [two girls rush up to Butters' aid]
Red: Hey hey, you guys leave Butters alone! He's a very fragile artist.
Lola: He's so brooding and full of angst.
Butters: Yeah, I'm broooding.
Cartman: Butters doesn't deserve any credit for Scrotie McBoogerballs! We deserve all the credit!
Rebecca: Oh God, you guys are pathetic!
Lola: Yeah, get a life and stop mooching off others' success for once. [the girls leave]
Stan: God-damnit!
Kyle: Butters, do you really think it's fair to lie like this?! Let me tell you, if you don't have the-
Butters: No, let me tell you somethin', fellers! You always take advantage of me, and after reading The Catcher in the Rye, I've learned you're nothing but phonies! I'm not letting you trick me this time! So the four of you can just suck on my wiener!
Cartman: That inconsiderate jerk!
Scene Description: The HBC logo pops up - a spoof of the NBC Peacock. What follows is an HBC News presentation
Announcer: Today on Today: We meet the author of the book that has swept the nation, and has now spawned TV's most popular game show, "How Long Can You Listen To Scrotie McBoogerballs On Audiobook" [the studio audience joins in] "And Not Vomit?" [a contestant is fitted with headphones and place in a soundproof booth. The front panel is a glass door so the audience can see the contestant's reaction without getting sprayed with vomit. It only takes two seconds of listening before the contestant vomits all over the door] The book is full of disgusting words and acts, including Sarah Jessica Parker, who is mentioned four hundred and sixty-five times. [a shot of Parker and her date at the Oscars] Matthew Broderick, are you upset your wife is made fun of so much in the book?
Broderick: Well, obviously. I just think it's wrong to make fun of anybody's physical appearance. My wife is a beautiful woman and I know that most people agree with me.
Announcer: Uh huh, and Matthew, how come a transvestite donkey witch is standing next to you, and why is it wearing a dress? [cut to a shot of the Stotch family sitting in Butters' room]
Matt Lauer: Joining us now is the author of the book, Leopold Stotch, along with his parents.
Stephen: Hello Matt
Linda: Hi everyone.
Matt Lauer: You must be pretty proud of your son.
Stephen: Oh, we certainly are. We're thrilled to learn he's so very talented.
Meredith Vieira: And we also learned that your son is grounded. Is that correct?
Stephen: Yes, we did have to ground him for the language in the novel of course.
Butters: I have to come right to my room after school.
Stephen: But we are very very proud nonetheless.
Al Roker: [chuckles] Young man, now that you are a respected author, have you met any famous people?
Butters: Not yet, but as soon as I'm not grounded anymore, I'm hopin' to meet Kim Kardashian. I wanna jump on her belly.
Matt Lauer: All right, uh, yeah huh. Butters, my favorite part of your novel was when Scrotie McBoogerballs slid his head up into the horse's [jumps off his stool and tries to vomit into a pail nearby, but misses. He vomits agin and this time gets it into the pail, burps, and coughs a few times, getting the last of the vomit into the pail, and finally spits. He gets back on the stool] Sorry, I uh, was that chapter a slam on health care reform as people suggested?
Butters: Uh... yeah, pretty much, I think, think so.
Meredith Vieira: Is that why the doctor character pulls out all the strings? [begins to vomit immediately]
Al Roker: Little boy, are you ever worried somebody might take your book wrong and try to kill someone, like when that guy tried to shoot Ronald Reagan after reading The Catcher in the Rye?
Butters: Oh, is that who the book was tellin' me to kill? Ohhh. [gets into a trance] Kill Ronald Reagan. [hops off his bed and heads for the door] Kill Ronald Reagan.
Al Roker: Ronald Reagan is dead now, Butters.
Butters: Oh really? [goes back to his bed] Oh yeah, gosh dangit.
Scene Description: Assembly Hall, day. Kenny, Cartman, Kyle, Stan and Sarah Jessica Parker are giving their speeches to the school board.
Stan: More and more of us are against this book every day! The author is cruel and offensive! And for these reasons, we demand this book be banned from all school, stores, and libraries! This book is nothing but smut and vulgarity purely for the sake of smut and vulgarity!
Assemblyman 1: That's just because you're too young to understand the underlying themes.
Cartman: There are no underlying themes! We know that for a fact!
Assemblyman 2: You just fail to understand what the author meant.
Kyle: The author meant to be as gross as possible because it was funny!
Assemblyman 3: [chuckles] No, no no, that's such a simplistic view.
Stan: Goddamnit there is no deeper meaning in this book! Read it again!
Assemblywoman 1: Oh, so you're suggesting that the author just arbitrarily made fun of Sarah Jessica Parker for no reason?
Kyle: Yes!
Assemblywoman 1: But what would be the point?
Cartman: There is no point! It's just because Sarah Jessica Parker is fuckin' ugly!
Assemblywoman 2: No writer would take the time to make fun of Sarah Jessica Parker just because they think she's ugly.
Stan, Kyle, Cartman: Yes they would!
Assemblywoman 2: It is because Miss Jessica Parker is a metaphor in the book for oppression felt by the lower class.
Stan: What? Dude, that is not in the book at all!
Assemblyman 2: Boys, this book is an important look at how liberals are hurting this country.
Stan: What?
Assemblywoman 2: Wait, Scrotie McBoogerballs is the most conservative-hating liberal in literature!
Assemblyman 2: What book did you read?!
Stan: There's nothing about liberals or conservatives!
Assemblyman 4: Ohohh yeah, then why did Sarah Jessica Parker's butt-cheese end up in Scrotie's milkshake? [an assemblyman nearby throws up]
Scene Description: Butters' house, day. A Channel 9 reporter stands across the street from it as a small crowd gathers around the front door and look up at Butters' window
Field Reporter: Breaking news from acclaimed author Leopold Stotch. The artist has announced that he is working on a second novel as a followup to his wildly successful bestseller. We got a statement from the writer, who is still grounded in his room. [The reporter and Butters are yelling at each other to be heard.]
Field Reporter: Can you give the public any idea what the new book is about?
Butters: Well, it's kind of about love and betrayal! The inner workings of the human mind!
Field Reporter: Will it be as sick and disgusting as your first book?
Butters: Oh it's raunchy alright! I know what my readers want, and I'm going to deliver!
Stephen: Butters, away from the window! You are being grounded!
Butters: Sorry Dad, I was just bein' the voice of a generation. [walks out of view]
Scene Description: Outside Assembly Hall, the boys sit on the curb. Sarah Jessica Parker stands next to a tree with a bare branch on which a bird sits
Stan: I can't believe they won't ban our book!
Kyle: I know! It's so much worse than Catcher in the retarded Rye!
Kenny: (It's fucking disgusting!)
Cartman: All right you guys, I know what we have to do. [stands up and walks onto the street] We've got to kill Sarah Jessica Parker.
Kyle: What?! [Stan's hands go from his chin to his knees]
Cartman: Think about it, guys. If somebody kills Sarah Jessica Parker, then they'll assume that somebody did it because of what was in the book. Then the book will get banned.
Kyle: Dude, we're not killing Sarah Jessica Parker! [Sarah Jessica Parker hears her name and looks at the boys]
Cartman: Shhh. [addresses Ms. Parker] Be right with you. [hushed tones to the other boys] We don't have to kill her, we can just help her get killed.
Stan: Shut up, Cartman! Just face it. We lost this one. [he and Kyle walk away]
Cartman: Kenny... we only have to help her get killed and then we totally get back at Butters.
Kenny: [looks over at Ms. Parker, then at Cartman] (Okay.)
Cartman: [turns and walks over to Ms. Parker] Ms. Jessica Parker, over here. [Kenny follows.]
Scene Description: The Today Show, an HBC News production
Matt: Well, the day has finally arrived. The eagerly awaited second novel from the author of Scrotie McBoogerballs hit the shelves this morning and apparently, bookstores are jammed.
Meredith: Al, how is it out there?
Al: [giggles] I don't know if you could see this, guys, but uh, the line stretches all the way around the block. People waiting for their turn to get inside the bookstore and read the novel. [the camera pans across the line from front to back and back again. The people in line smile and wave at the camera] And they brought trash bags and buckets to throw up in. Just a festive atmosphere here, Matt and Meredith.
Meredith: Well, we've got our vomit buckets ready too, because coming up, a very special in-studio treat.
Matt: That's right, we are going to have a reading of the first five chapters of the book here live in our studio. Na-now we must warn you that this is from the same author who wrote the most graphic, obscene novel of all time, so... brace yourselves for some very harsh language. Take it away Morgan Freeman.
Scene Description: a shot of Morgan Freeman sitting in a study, a fireplace to his left, a library to his right, preparing to read from Butters' second book
Morgan Freeman: [reading slowly, with gravitas] The Poop That Took A Pee Chapter 1: Douglas had to poop. His butt was all stinky because he had to poop so badly. There was a gross woman named Rebecca who was sunbathing all naked, and she was fat. Douglas walked up to her and said, "I need to poop." "Okay," Rebecca replied, "I like poop." Douglas squatted down [turns the page] over the fat sunbathing lady and went poop. The poop sat there on Rebecca's boobs looking like a wiener. [turns the page] Chapter 2...
Scene Description: The woods, day. A sign by the side of a road indicates that moose hunting season is here and the woods are open. Cartman and Kenny are standing in the bush. Kenny makes a moose call with his hands and mouth. They wait for a response. Kenny makes the call again
Cartman: See any hunters yet?
Kenny: (Not yet) [Ms. Parker is in a nearby clearing with moose horns attached to her head]
Cartman: Doing good, Ms. Jessica Parker! Just hang out, right there.
Kyle: Guys, stop, stop! [Kyle and Stan walk into view towards Cartman and Kenny] We don't have to do this!
Kenny: (Huh?)
Kyle: Butters wrote a second book!
Cartman: So what?
Stan: So dude, if Butters wrote a second book, then everyone's gonna know he couldn't have written the first one!
Kyle: We can get people to believe us now!
Cartman: Oh dude, sweet! [all four boys walk away, leaving Ms. Parker all alone at the mercy of any moose hunter that walks by her]
Scene Description: Cut to the in-studio reading of Butters' second novel
Morgan Freeman: "Why are we here?" Douglas cried as poop came out his wiener, in a long, thin strip. It was... wiener poop, which is the grossest poop of all.
Scene Description: Frontier Books, morning. The shoppers pick up where Morgan left off
Shopper 1: "The pee he got on the woman's leg, and she screamed, pooping out her boobs."
Shopper 2: "And so when the pee got mixed with the poop, it smelled like a butt."
Stan: [in store with the other boys] Aw dude, this is even lamer than we thought. [grins]
Cartman: People are gonna want Butters' head on a platter!
Shopper 3: Are you reading this, Marsha? What do you think?
Marsha: So far I think it's, it's incredible! Ih, it might be better than his first book.
Shopper 4: I agree. It wasn't as edgy, but it's like, he he's gone back to his roots.
Cartman: What?!
Stan: You can't be serious! You people like this?!
Shopper 5: Some of the imagery is unbelievable
Kyle: A woman pooping out her boobs is not good imagery!
Shopper 6: Says you! You must be a pro-life nut, huh? [slides into taunting] Didn't like what the book had to say?
Marsha: What are you talking about? This book is as pro-life as it gets!
Cartman: Oh come on!
Stan: God-damnit, will you people stop reading into stuff that isn't there!!
Shopper 7: "And the poop and the pee lived happily every after. The end." [closes the book...] Kill the phonies. Kill the phonies!
Scene Description: Keeping Up With The Kardashians is on the air
Kim: Today my sisters and I are gonna shop for underwear.
The Kardashians: Yaaay!
Male Guest: Can I go with you girls? [the seventh shopper breaks into the set and guns everyone down]
Scene Description: News report about the massacre
News Anchor 2: Our nation is still reeling from the tragic deaths of the Kardashians. The shooter claims he was driven to commit the slaughter immediately after reading The Poop That Took A Pee by Leopold "Butters" Stotch. It's all over. The Kardiashians.. [cries a bit and sheds a tear] wiped out. In the blink of an eye. All because one little PRICK... had to go and write a book.
Scene Description: Butters' room, day. Butters is at his desk with his face buried in his arms. The news report is airing on the TV in the background
News Anchor 2: Leopold Stotch... I HOPE THEY BURY YOU! ...YOU EVIL FUCK! [the anchorman falls silent and the door opens. Cartman and the other boys enter]
Cartman: Dude, people are pissed off at you, Butters.
Butters: I know.
Stan: They're saying they're gonna ban both your books now, completely. You're not making any more money!
Butters: [lifts his head up. He's been crying] You think I care about that? My writing got the most beautiful woman in the world killed! I loved her! And now she's gone and it's because of me!
Kyle: Ah... Oh Butters, [steps forward] it'll be all right. Listen, we've all learned that people look for meaning in books. And sometimes, even if it isn't there, they'll try and invent their own meaning.
Stan: Yeah, dude, eh, that's why we all need to avoid books and stick to television.
Butters: Thang, thanks, fellas. I'll definitely never write again. I think I can get through this.
Cartman: That's good, Butters, because, we need to tell you something.
Butters: What?
Cartman: [sighs heavily] You were sleepwalking again and dressed Sarah Jessica Parker up in a moose suit. You left her in the forest and she got shot by a hunter.
Butters: What?! Oh no!
Cartman: Yep, sorry. You're gonna have to come down and admit it was you. [walks out of the room with the other boys]
Butters: Aw. Aw I got her killed too? Aw uh, oh well, at least she was ugly. [leaves his desk and follows the other boys downstairs]


Scene Description: A soccer field, day. The four boys are at soccer practice with other boys from around the neighborhood. They're exercising, touching their bellies, then their feet, then raising their hands in the air.
Group: Twenty-one, twenty-two, twenty-three, twenty-four, twenty-five, twenty-six, twenty-seven, twenty-eight, twenty-nine, thirty, thirty-one, thirty-two, thirty-three, thirty-four, thirty-five, thirty-six, thirty-seven, thirty-eight, thirty-nine, forty.
Cartman: [after "27"] Oh I wish I could exercise with the rest of the team, coach, but I've got such a belly ache.
Coach: You seem to have a stomach ache every time we do drills and exercises.
Cartman: [faking] I know, it sucks. [the coach blows his whistle as the boys reach "40"]
Coach: Alright kids, practice is over for today.
Cartman: [grins and throws his sports bottle away] KFC!! [races for his ride]
Scene Description: Randy's car, after practice. Randy drives the boys across town
Cartman: Oh boy oh boy! I'm gonna get a three piece meal and crispy strips!
Kyle: Cartman, you only come to soccer practice on Fridays, and that's only because we have Kentucky Fried Chicken afterwards!
Cartman: Shut up you shifty Jew! I'll fuckin' kill you! [remembers where he is] Uhm sorry, sorry. I just, you know, when I've been waiting too long for the Colonel's chicken I get easily agitated. You're a fuckin' asshole, Kenny! Oh oh oh, sorry sorry. Oh here we are! Here we are!
Scene Description: Randy pulls up to a KFC and parks the station wagon. Everyone gets out
Stan: Hey, it looks different.
Scene Description: sure enough, the KFC logo and lettering are gone, but the building still has that KFC style of architecture. The windows advertise medicinal marijuana though. A customer comes out with a bag of weed.
Randy: [to the customer] Hey, uh, what's up with the KFC?
Customer: [stops] Oh, it's not a KFC anymore. It's a medicinal marijuana dispensary. [walks away]
Stan: A what?
Cartman: Dude, what the fuck? What the fuck?!
Kyle: So where's the KFC now?
Randy: Alright, boys, wait out here. Let me see what's going on. [leaves them and enters the store.]
Scene Description: Inside the medicinal marijuana dispensary. Randy walks toward the counter, looking around at the place
Clerk: Can I help you, sir?
Randy: Yeah, we were actually looking to get some KFC?
Clerk: Oh, yeah, sorry, that's gone. We only sell marijuana here.
Randy: Really? I mean, you're openly selling pot? For reals?
Clerk: Sure. New state laws say it's okay.
Randy: [thinks about what this means] Woohoo, all right! I love the future! Let's see, uh, I'll take half a pound of that uhhh Jamaican Passion [goes to another counter] and give me some of that purplish stuff too!
Clerk: Alright. I'll just need to see your physician's reference.
Randy: [his smile vanishes] My huh?
Clerk: Well, sir, we just can't sell the marijuana to anybody. You need a reference from your doctor to show it's necessary.
Randy: Ohhh, that's dumb. Okay. Okay, I'll be I'll be right back! [races out the door]
Scene Description: outside the shop. Randy runs past the boys
Stan: What'd they say?
Randy: [speaking quickly] KFC's gone, been replaced.
Cartman: They can't do that! This is the only KFC in all of South Park!
Randy: Yeah, well, I gotta get to the doctor. [runs to the car, opens the driver-side door, and quickly gets in]
Stan: The doctor? But, Dad, we wanna eat.
Randy: I gotta get to the doctor! [pulls out of his parking slot and drives away in a hurry, leaving the boys by themselves]
Kyle: ...So no KFC?
Cartman: This is a nightmare. This is a nightmare and I CAN'T WAKE UP!
Scene Description: A doctor's office. Randy is on the bed there and the doctor walks to him with some test results
Dr. Doctor: Well, Mr. Marsh, it looks like you are in prefect health. Your bloodwork came back great and all your vitals appear normal.
Randy: All right!
Dr. Doctor: Yep, you check out fine.
Randy: That's great. So can I get a referral from you?
Dr. Doctor: For what?
Randy: Medicinal marijuana. [the doctor frowns] There's a shop that opened in the old KFC, and they said I needed a doctor's referral to buy weed.
Dr. Doctor: Mr. Marsh, you don't qualify for medicinal marijuana.
Randy: But you said I'm totally healthy!
Dr. Doctor: Medicinal marijuana is for people who aren't healthy. AIDS patients, cancer patients. You know, people going through chemo. The THC helps them eat and take the pain. You are in fine shape!
Randy: ...Well that sucks! [gets off the bed and puts his clothes back on.] Well so doctor, how do most people get cancer?
Dr. Doctor: Well there's a lot of ways you can get cancer.
Randy: Yeah, but what's the quickest way?
Dr. Doctor: The what?
Randy: Well like, what forms of cancer induce in time for the Ziggy Marley concert next Saturday in Denver?
Scene Description: On Highway 291, night. Liane and Eric are driving northwest into the San Isabel National Forest west of Pueblo. Cartman is showing his frustration by punching the car door
Cartman: Mom, drive faster!
Liane: The KFC in Salida is a long way away, sweetie. Be patient.
Cartman: Shut up and drive faster! I've been waiting for chicken for TOO LONG!
Liane: Eric, we're almost to Frisco. Why don't we go to the Church's Fried Chicken there?
Cartman: WHAT?? Church's Fried Chicken tastes like cat shit!
Liane: Alright honey, let's take it easy.
Cartman: Fuck you!
Scene Description: Frisco, day. Liane and Eric arrive at the KFC in Frisco, which is being closed up. "CLOSED INDEFINITELY" says the banner over the Colonel's face as workers take down the K and the C
Cartman: No! No, what's going on?! [quickly gets out of the car and shoves a worker aside] Move aside! [stops at the front door and looks up again]
Worker 1: It's closed, kid, there's nothin' in there.
Cartman: No you, you can't do this! The KFC in my town is closed too!
Worker 1: Yeah, well, that's because of the vote last November to ban fast food in low-income areas.
Cartman: You mean I have to drive all the way to Denver to get chicken?!
Worker 2: No you don't get it, kid. KFCs were only in low-income areas. In the entire state of Colorado, Kentucky Fried Chicken is illegal.
Cartman: Nooooooooo-! [his head explodes]
Scene Description: The Marsh house, day. Randy is on a chaise lounge in his backyard trying to give himself cancer with three possible carcinogens - cigarettes, an X-ray machine and reflective panels, and three cell phones strapped to his forehead. He's smoking.
Stan: [opens the sliding door and looks out] Dad, Mom says to stop trying to give yourself cancer.
Randy: Just gonna get a little bit of cancer, Stan. Tell Mom it's okay. [Stan walks away and closes the sliding door]
Scene Description: A methadone clinic, day. Cartman walks in and approaches the counter
Clerk 2: Can I help you?
Cartman: [looking fatigued and feeling quite itchy] I need... Somebody said you... could help me. I... have to... I haven't... had... KFC... in over... a week. [sniffs heavily]
Clerk 2: Alright, sign your name on the release form and put down the time-
Cartman: [hops onto a little stool in front of the counter] Really?
Clerk 2: -your birth year. and we'll get you through the next twenty-four hours. [hands him an application]
Cartman: Whoa, what uh, are you serious? [fills out the application as she gets a treatment out of a cabinet. He turns around...] Oh my God, that's KFC gravy! [quite giddy] You have KFC! Yes! [she opens the gravy and pours some into a small cup, then slides the cup to him. He's disappointed] This is it? One lousy little cup of gravy?!
Clerk 2: This is a clinic to help you get over your addiction.
Cartman: Who wants just gravy?! It goes on mashed potatoes! On extra-crispy chicken skins!
Clerk 2: [takes the cup back] If you don't want it, that's fine-
Cartman: [grabs it from her hand] NO! [swallows it as fast as he can] Oh God, oh God it's so good.
Scene Description: The Marsh house, kitchen, day. Randy opens a box of instant chicken nuggets and pours the nuggets onto a plate.
Randy: [reading from the book "Cancer Today"] "Frozen and processed foods appear to have a direct link to many forms of stomach and colon cancers." Alright. [takes the plate and puts the nuggets into the microwave oven, sets the time to four minutes, then starts the oven] "Tests show that preservatives found in these foods are the leading cause. However, luckily most of these cancers are..." [he loses hope] "slow-growing and can take years to develop." Dammit. [turns the page] "Testicular cancer. Most common in older men and can be extremely aggressive." Oh this is good. "There's no data on what causes testicular cancer to grow so rapidly, however the primary causes of testicular cancer are linked to exposure to high doses of radiation" Hmmm. [closes the book and looks at the microwave and at his balls a few times. Some time later, Stan goes to the kitchen, opens the door, and grabs a sports energy drink, closes the door and walks away. He walks by Randy, who's got the microwave door open and his balls inside the oven.] Oh hey, Stan, could you grab me a beer? [Stan just looks at him and continues on his way.] Stan?
Scene Description: The Marsh house, dawn. A rooster crows. Randy is still asleep in his bed, but something is beginning to bother him. He turns from his side to his back and then looks at his feet. What he sees amazes him. He pulls down the covers and sees that his balls have grown to the size of large pumpkins
Randy: Whoahhh! Sharon. Hey, hey Sharon!
Sharon: Wha... WAAAAA! [she almost lost her mind there]
Scene Description: Dr. Doctor's office, day. Randy is now in a hospital bed and Sharon sits next to it.
Dr. Doctor: Mr. Marsh, I'm afraid that the tests came back positive. You do have testicular cancer.
Randy: SCORE! [Sharon is not happy]
Dr. Doctor: Now, the good new is it hasn't spread anywhere. We should... probably schedule to have them re-
Randy: Yeahyeahyeahyeah, but for now can I finally get my prescription please?!
Dr. Doctor: Your prescription for what?
Scene Description: South Park, day. Randy is carting his massive balls around in a wheelbarrow, singing happily
Randy: Buffalo Soldier... in the heart of America. Stolen from Africa, brought into America. He was fighting on arrival...
Scene Description: The medicinal marijuana dispensary, day. Randy enters with his wheelbarrow
Randy: One ounce of Purple Lurple, two ounces of Fisherman's Friend, and a half ounce of Alabama Kush!
Scene Description: At a lamp post in downtown. Officer Barbrady has stopped a speeding motorist and looks over at Randy, who's smoking some weed in plain view.
Randy: Uh that is nice! That is nice!
Jimbo: [walks by, sees him, and runs over] Randy! Jesus, Randy. Your balls!
Randy: I know. Smokin' pot right in front of a cop. Pretty sweet, huh?
Jimbo: No, I mean, your actual balls!
Randy: Oh, yeah. Testicular cancer. Here, here, you want some? Oh wait, you're healthy! Hey bust his ass, officer! [laughs]
Scene Description: Elsewhere in South Park. Cartman walks down the street sighing heavily
Tough Boy 1: Hey kid, they say you're looking for some KFC.
Cartman: Yeah. Who isn't?
Tough Boy 1: Yeah well uh, we got some. Over at Billy Miller's house.
Cartman: Billy Miller? Seriously??
Scene Description: Billy Miller's house, basement. The boy follows Cartman down the stai
Billy: Ahhh Eric Cartman, right?
Cartman: Tommy said you have some KFC.
Billy: Suuure. [snaps his fingers and waves someone forward] Jessie. [a girl brings a tray with food over to Cartman]
Cartman: Oh my God, the Colonel's popcorn chicken and honey-mustard sauce! [eats them as fast as he can] Oh God yes! [finishes it off] Where did you get that?!
Billy: I have my sources. That'll be $85.
Cartman: 85 bucks?? I don't have that! [three boys behind him get serious and approach him. One of them has a bat]
Billy: Hold on, hold on. [the boys stop] You're a big boy, Eric. Maybe you can pay me back another way. Do a little job for me. I've got some serious KFC coming in from a dealer. I need somebody willing to get a little risky and... pick it up.
Cartman: How much KFC are we talking?
Billy: Two buckets plus a three-piece meal and four sides.
Cartman: Holy fuck, dude.
Billy: I've got the money to pay for it, but it's become a risky business out there. You get the chicken for me, and I'll make sure you're hooked up for life. Do you wanna do it?
Cartman: Do I wanna do it? Does the Pope help pedophiles get away with their crime?
Billy: Excellent.
Scene Description: Medicinal marijuana dispensary, day. Randy exits the dispensary with his balls in the wheelbarrow
Randy: [smokes, coughs a little] Alright, see you tomorrow! [turns left and has difficulty maneuvering his massive balls. He walks down the sidewalk happily and checks his watch] Oh God, I gotta hurry! Caprica starts in five minutes! [starts moving faster, but the wheelbarrow soon falls apart and he's left sitting on his balls.] Huh-oh Jesus! [looks around, unsure of what to do] Ugh, ohh. [tries to get his feet on the ground, but can't] Uhh, hey, can somebody..? [puffs on the joint, then pulls at his scrotum] ...Rrrr. Ugh, I gotta get home. [gets off his balls and starts pulling them down the street. He sits on them again and bounces on them] Hey, hey, hey, this can work. This could... Hey, it's like a hoppity hop. Aaahah. Whoa-ho. [bounces down the sidewalk]
Scene Description: South Park, day. People stop and stare as Randy bounces down the street on his balls. He's laughing all the while.
Scene Description: Elsewhere in South Park, Cartman walks into an alley and looks around. Further in the alley he runs across a man
Cartman: Are you Teabag?
Teabag: Maybe I am. Who's askin'?
Cartman: Cut the crap. You got the stuff?
Teabag: Oh, I got the hookup. Question is, you got the money? [Cartman hands him a wad of bills] Alright, we're in biz. [turns right and grabs a couple of bags of KFC food, then hands them to Cartman, who looks inside each bag] It's all there, man.
Cartman: Extra crispy? [opens a small bowl of gravy and samples it carefully]
Teabag: 'Course, man, I ain't no fool.
Cartman: You trying to fuck me dude? This is cut with Boston Market gravy!
Teabag: Awww, it's all the same shit, man.
Cartman: IT'S NOT THE SAME SHIT! [reaches behind his back for a pistol and aims it at Teabag]
Teabag: Okay okay I'm sorry, oh... [gets on his knees and shields his face]
Cartman: You're cuttin' Colonel's gravy with Boston Market to try and save yourself some fuckin' money!
Teabag: I'll take back the gravy.
Cartman: [lunges at him with the pistol, making him get on all fours] Like anybody wants KFC without gravy!
Teabag: AAAH please. Please, I'm sorry! Take your money back! Take the KFC too! [Barbrady walks by and stops to look]
Barbrady: What's going on back there?
Cartman: Nothin', it's cool.
Scene Description: A table, evening. Jimbo and Ned are shown playing poker
Jimbo: Alright, I'll call. Forty-five to you Ned.
Randy: [puffs on a joint and coughs] Oh man. This Rainy Day Woman is the bomb. You guys don't know what you're missing.
Peter Nelson: Well you know, you could share some of that with us, Randy.
Randy: No, Peter Nelson, that's illegal! I can smoke this because I have cancer.
Player 1: Aw some on, just give us a little bit.
Player 2: Yeah.
Randy: Get your own medicinal marijuana cards! You've all got perfectly good microwaves at home! Look, I'm telling you guys, it's awesome. I can have all the pot I want, I get around faster than walking, and, wherever I need a seat, I can just sit on my balls. And let me tell you something else. [a player listens a little more closely] Chicks... love 'em.
Peter Nelson: Women love huge balls?
Randy: Loove 'em. Everywhere I go, when I walk by, chicks are like turning their heads and going "whaaa?" I never knew how much women love guys' balls until I got these puppies. [pats his balls]
Woman 1: Travis, did you take out the garba-whaaa? [backs up at the sight of Randy's balls, then runs off]
Randy: See?
Scene Description: Billy Miller's house, later. Cartman walks down the stairs with the bags of KFC he got from Teabag.
Billy: Cartman my boy, you got the stuff?
Cartman: Yeah I got the stuff. [the other boys carry the bags away] And I got the money. [tosses the wad of bills back at Billy]
Billy: Heyyy you're good Eric. I need people like you!
Cartman: Good, 'cause I ate a bunch of chicken on the way over here. [burps]
Billy: That's alright Eric. I've got something big in the works. What if I told you... that I now have a direct line to get all the KFC we want here? I'm sending Tommy to Kentucky, to try and set up a little "arrangement" with the Colonel himself.
Cartman: Wait a minute. You mean THE Colonel?
Billy: That's right. And I'd like you to go as well and watch Tommy's back for me. Is that something you'd want to do?
Cartman: Is that something I'd want to do? Is the Pope Catholic? And making the world safe for pedophiles?
Billy: Excellent.
Scene Description: Dr. Doctor's office, day. A nurse walks in with an envelope
Nurse: Doctor, Mr. Klein's test results came in. [hands the envelope to the doctor, who opens it and pulls the results out]
Dr. Doctor: What the hell is going on?
Nurse: Doctor?
Dr. Doctor: This is the tenth case I've seen this week. It can't be a coincidence. Something in this town is giving men testicular cancer.
Scene Description: South Park, day. Silly music plays as a line of men bounce down the sidewalk on their swollen balls, smoking pot all the while. The line of men consists of the poker players from Travis' place.
Jimbo: Heh! Man, I am stoned off my ass!
Player 3: I'm stoned off my balls! [another man laughs]
Scene Description: Café Monet, day. The line of men hops past
Randy: Anybody got more of that loompa loompa weed?
Woman 2: Wow. Those guys have nice balls.
Woman 3: Wish my man had balls like those.
Woman 2: Mmm.
Scene Description: Corbin, Kentucky, the Colonel's home, day. The Colonel is giving a tour of the place to Tommy and Cartman
The Colonel: Our entire production is headquartered here, boys. We move over sixteen tons of chicken every month. Of course, with the new laws in Colorado my business has taken quite a hit. I'm worried other states might follow suit.
Tommy: We know, Colonel, but we can get your chicken into the state. We just need a bulk deal, say, four ninety five a key?
Cartman: I've got to hand it to you, Colonel. You have everything a man could want.
The Colonel: I like you, Eric. There's no lying in you. Unfortunately, I don't feel the same about your friend.
Cartman: Who? You mean Tommy? [looks over at Tommy, then stops walking. The Colonel stops as well - Tommy is missing.] Wait, where's he go?
The Colonel: Your partner is an informant for Jamie Oliver. [hands him some binoculars and shows him where Tommy is. Through the binoculars, Cartman sees Tommy being roughed up by two men inside a helicopter. One of the men shows Tommy where Cartman is. There's a noose around Tommy's neck. The guy who shows him where Cartman is throws him out of the helicopter and hangs him. Cartman is stunned, but quickly gets over it and laughs]
Cartman: Dude, that was sweet! He's all choked.
The Colonel: And how do I know you're not a liar too?
Cartman: Hey, Colonel! I've been your biggest supporter since I was two years old! I love your chicken! I love you!
The Colonel: I think... you and me can work this thing out, Eric. Do business together a long time.
Cartman: Good.
The Colonel: Just remember, I only tell you one time. Don't fuck me, Eric. Don't you ever try to fuck me. [Cartman keeps his mouth shut]
Scene Description: The Marsh house, day. Randy is by the sliding doors in back of the house, as his balls are too big for the front door now.
Sharon: [walks up] Randy! Randy, will you look at yourself? Your balls are getting bigger.
Randy: I know. They're pretty swollen. Kinda hurts. I'm gonna buy some more weed.
Sharon: Randy, please. When you get back, do you think maybe we could make love again? [looks down at his balls]
Randy: Ohhh, someone's feeling frisky again. huh?
Sharon: Oh, it's just that I thought that more alone time would maybe be really-
Randy: Hey. My eyes are up here.
Sharon: I'm sorry, I just...
Randy: It's alright, I just want you to look at me when we make love and not just at my balls. I'll be home soon, babe. [sends her an air kiss and hops out]
Scene Description: Medicinal marijuana dispensary, day. The same silly music from before plays. Randy hops up to the front door and opens it. He tries to hop in, but the balls are way too big, causing the music to stop. He gets off his balls and tries to shove them in
Randy: Hey uh, could you uh, give me half a pound of that Suburban Sunrise, please?
Clerk: I'm sorry sir, but you have to be inside the store.
Randy: Well eh, I'm right here, can you just... bring it over?
Clerk: Selling medicinal marijuana outside the confines of an approved shop is still illegal.
Scene Description: Randy tries to fit his balls through the door, grunting and murmuring from time to time, but they're just too damn big. He props them up so that he can shove them in with his ass, but they still won't go through
Randy: Look I'm startin' to feel kind of stupid; can I please get high?
Scene Description: Billy Miller's cellar, day. As Billy's boys move the KFC around this basement warehouse, Billy is talking to Cartman
Billy: What, are you crazy Eric?! Making a deal with the Colonel for ten thousand more boxes?! I can't move that much chicken!
Cartman: [munching on a breast from a bucket] Will you relax, Billy? It's fine!
Billy: ...Fine? I'm not making any money here! I'm losing it! I have to pay for more security, I got the cops up my ass, and I have to pay for all these orders to cut the chicken for distribution!
Cartman: [munching on a drumstick, his back to Billy] Billy, Billy, we've gotta be thinking bigger here! It's time to expand!
Billy: How can I expand when thirty-six percent of our product is going to you?! Get out there and sell the chicken or get lost! You've forgotten who the boss of this operation is, Eric!
Cartman: ...Yeah welll, you're not gonna be around a lot longer.
Billy: What is that supposed to mean?
Cartman: I... [turns around to face Billy] told your mom you got an F on that social studies test.
Billy: [suddenly vulnerable] You wouldn't do that.
Cartman: Does a bear crap in the woods? And does the Pope crap on the broken lives and dreams of two hundred deaf boys?
Billy's Mom: Billy?! Your father and I want to talk to you!
Cartman: Bye bye Billy. [Billy leaves] Alright everyone listen up! I'm in charge now! Anybody got a problem with that? Alright, good.
Scene Description: Medicinal marijuana dispensary, day. The poker players are bouncing around the dispensary's parking lot in protest. The clerk, the mayor and her aides, and a small crowd are watching these men
Randy: What do we want?
Men: Bigger doors!
Randy: Where do we want them?
Men: Weed stores!
Randy: What do we want?
Men: Bigger doors!
Randy: Where do we want them?
Men: Weed stores!
Clerk: Look, I'm sorry, but the bill says I can't modify any existing structure.
Man 1: Well I guess we could change the law to allow for medicinal marijuana to be sold just outside the door of the shop.
Man 2: Egah I don't know, maybe the rule should be somebody can buy the medicinal weed for others.
Clerk: Look, can't we skip all this and just make pot legal? Everyone is just abusing this medicinal system anyway, it's ridiculous.
Man 3: What's ridiculous about it?
Dr. Doctor: [runs through the crowd] Hold on, hold people people, please! [stops] We are all forgetting what is really at issue here! Look around! These men all have cancer! It's no coincidence that when this building changed, the rise in cancer went up. Don't you see? The KFC was keeping people healthy!
Scene Description: Billy's basement, day. Cartman has squandered everything Billy has worked for by eating all the chicken.
Tough Boy 2: Mr. Cartman, come on. We're supposed to be handling the business; you're eating too much of the stuff.
Cartman: Shut up Kevin! I'm the boss, not you, buttlicker!
Tough Boy 3: Eric, the Colonel is on the phone for you. He sounds pissed.
Cartman: What?! Oh, that's right, I forgot to- Dammit! Uh, okay. [leaves the throne] Put him on speaker.
The Colonel: Hello. Hello??
Cartman: Colonel, how are you doing?
The Colonel: What happened?
Cartman: [rips the skin off a breast and lays it on the table] Oh, we had some problems, you know? Colonel? [takes out a credit card and starts mincing the skin as if it were crack cocaine, into lines of finely ground skin]
The Colonel: Eric, what happened??
Cartman: We had a little problem.
The Colonel: I heard.
Cartman: [snorts a line into his nose] Yeah? How'd, how'd you hear that?
The Colonel: Because Jamie Oliver gave his speech at the UN today. He was not supposed to give that speech, Eric!
Cartman: Hey that's okay, we'll get him next time.
The Colonel: There's not going to be a next time you fucking dumb cocksucker!
Cartman: Hey, take it easy Colonel.
The Colonel: I told you a long time ago, you fucking little monkey, not to fuck me!
Cartman: [grabs the phone] Hey! Hey who the fuck do you think you're talking to, huh?! Huh?! [hears someone breaking in and looks over his shoulder] Oh crap! [five men pour into the basement and start firing their machine guns at the boys, who scatter and try to escape. Two more men jump into the basement. More men outside the house begin firing their weapons. The police arrive and begin firing at the attackers]
Barbrady: Freeze!
Henchman: It's the cops! [Barbrady kills him. Another attacker is killed nearby. Cartman looks outside from the basement and begins his escape. Billy and his mom begin their escape as well, but through the front door]
Billy's Mom: Run Billy, run! [a bullet kills her. Cartman leaves the basement and escapes]
Billy: Mommy, no!
Scene Description: South Park City Hall, day. The top city officials are there, including the Mayor and her aides, Sgt. Yates and Murphy, and Dr. Doctor. Officer Barbrady addresses the crowd
Barbrady: Last November, this town passed a bill that seemed silly to some. Since then we've had underground black markets, crime, death, and shootings. But now the bill has been repealed, and I am relieved to announce that once again, marijuana is illegal. [the crowd cheers, and Dr. Doctor takes the mic]
Dr. Doctor: And another bill has been repealed as well. Because ever since we got rid of KFC, we've seen a great rise in cancer. But today we welcome back KFC, and all the medical benefits it gives us. [the store has been renamed MFC - Medicinal Fried Chicken]
Randy: Well I got to admit, it's a lot easier to get in doors with my little prosthetic balls. [Sharon folds her arms and looks up and away angrily]
Sharon: Yeah. Great.
Randy: Aw, Sharon, don't be upset. The doctor made you a souvenir. [reaches into a bag and pulls out a flesh-colored winter coat. Sharon looks at it and grins instantly]
Sharon: Randy, I love it! [puts it on and strikes a few poses]
Randy: And when it gets cold it shrinks. [two women approach them]
Nelly's Mom: Sharon, you got a scrotum coat?
Sharon: Yyyup!
Woman 5: Luckyyyyy!