Scene Description: Kenny's house, day. Stan, Kyle, Cartman and Kenny sit around a Monopoly-type board game in Kenny's room
Cartman: Okay, Stan, I'm gonna you... a UFO crash-landing card! [tosses it in front of him] You can deny it, or cover it up.
Stan: Dude, I don't understand this game at all.
Cartman: [Front of board game box is seen with 'Kurtis' spelled incorrectly with a 'C'] It's "Investigative Reports with Bill Kurtis" funtime game. You have to decide if you deny it or cover it up.
Stan: Um, deny it?
Cartman: Okay, let's see what Bill Kurtis says. [presses an electronic Bill Kurtis head]
Electronic Head: [trembles from side to side] Hello, I'm Bill Kurtis. Many believe that the U.S. Government... covered it up. I'm Bill Kurtis.
Kyle: Alright, Cartman. I'm gonna give you... a jail-time card. [tosses it in front of him] You lose a turn.
Stan: Sweet.
Cartman: Oh yeah?! Well, I'm gonna give you... AIDS! [tosses the card in front of him]
Kyle: What?
Cartman: I just gave you AIDS.
Kyle: AIDS?! [looks confused]
Stan: Dude, that's not cool. Don't give Kyle AIDS.
Cartman: Kyle has AIDS, and now loses 47 turns [Kyle turns angry] and 800 points. [camera pans back, and Kenny's parents appear at the door with arms around each other]
Carol: Kenny, your dad and I are thinking about having another baby. Wouldn't you like to have another brother or sister?
Kenny: (No.)
Stuart: [tickling his wife] We just might get workin' on it later tonight, huh huh huh. [they walk off giggling]
Cartman: God-damnit, poor people suck! Your family is already on welfare, and now they're gonna bring another kid into the world. Poor people are turning out babies, adding to the overpopulation, and they're expecting me to pay for it with my tax dollars.
Stan: You don't pay tax dollars, Cartman! You're eight!
Cartman: ...You see. [stands] Gaw, this is just what I've been talkin' about! I can't even relate to you guys anymore because you're too immature!
Kyle: What?
Cartman: I've gotta start hanging out with friends that are a little more intelligent, and understand ...politics and stuff. It's just that... I'm up on this level up here [hovers his right hand at eye level], and all my friends are down here [hovers it at stomach level].
Kyle: You don't know what you're talking about, fatass!
Cartman: Nononono! Me h'myah [hand at eye level], you guys myah! [hand at chest level] - maybe a little mo down, down in hyah. [hand at foot level. Then he straightens up] SCREW YOU GUYS, I'M GOING HOME. [turns around, walks out, and towards the front door.]
Electronic Head: I'm Bill Kurtis.
Scene Description: Cartman's house, a few minutes later. Cartman paces the floor in his room. Next to him is a computer
Cartman: I've outgrown all my friends. I need to meet more mature people, Clyde Frog. [looks at Clyde Frog for a few seconds, then] Oh, great idea, Clyde Frog! [walks over to the chair and hops on] I can meet new friends on the Internet! [clicks the mouse and presses a few keys, then the computer chimes. A list of chat rooms comes up] Here's a chat room: "Men Who Like Young Boys" [moves the cursor to the title and clicks on it] That's perfect. [starts typing] Hi everybody! I am a young boy seeking an older male for good times. I am eight years old and would li- [replies start cascading over his message] Wow! Look at all these guys who wanna be my friend! I'll pick... Tony316. [click on Tony's reply and starts typing] Hi Tony. [clicks and reads the reply] "So what are you into?" [replies] Oh, you know, the usual stuff. Smiley-face. [clicks and reads the reply] "Kewl. Wanna get together? [softer] Smiley-face?" [replies] Sure, Tony! That would be... kewl. Winking, smiley, face. [clicks and reads the reply] "Meet me at Mel's Buffet restaurant tomorrow morning." [replies] Sounds good. See you then! Clown hat, curly hair, smiley-face. [clicks, then brightly] You see that, Clyde Frog? Tomorrow I'm gonna meet my first mature friend!
Scene Description: Mel's Buffet, next day. Cartman enters and approaches a man seated alone in a booth.
Cartman: Hi, are you Tony? [the man looks unusually friendly]
Tony: Yeah. You're -Eric?
Cartman: Yeah! [gets into the booth and sits next to Tony]
Tony: [meekly, hands a bag to Cartman] I brought you some candy.
Cartman: [takes the bag] Wow, cool!
Tony: [hands him two books] And some books on Kama Sutra.
Cartman: Neato! Having older friends kicks ass, uh! You see, I've, I've really been having a tough time. I've kind of matured faster than my other friends [Tony places his hand on Cartman's back and starts rubbing with an open smile]; we don't really relate anymore, and, and uh, alright uh, all my friends seem so childish now.
Tony: Yahahahah like having your back rubbed?
Cartman: Heh, yeah! That feels real nice! Thanks. [two agents burst through the main door and head for Tony and Cartman]
Agent: Hold it right there, scumbag!
Tony: [Quickly removes hands from Cartman] Huh?
Cartman: Huh?
Agent: [pulls out some handcuffs] We monitored your little online chat. [cuffs Tony] Now you're coming with us! [hauls him away]
Tony: [meekly] No! [the two agents whisk him outside]
Cartman: [concerned] What the hell just happened?
Scene Description: Kenny's house, early morn. Kenny's tossing in bed, apparently in a nightmare. His dreams are shown, and in each a parent carries a baby
Mom: You can't eat, Kenny. We have to save food for the baby.
Dad: Your mom and I are going out for a few weeks, Kenny. Take care of the baby.
Mom: Kenny, you have to change the baby's diapers!
Dad: You have to share your room with the baby!
Mom: The baby.
Dad: The baby!
Mom: The baby!!
Kenny: [wakes and sits up] (HAAAAAAAAGH!) [looks around]
Scene Description: Kenny's house, living room sofa, later. Stuart is tickling his wife again
Carol: [giggles] Stop it!
Stuart: Come on, let's go try to get you pregnant again.
Carol: Oh, alright. [they get up and move when Kenny arrives with glove and baseball]
Kenny: (Dad, I wanna play catch.)
Stuart: Huh? Uh, I'll play catch with your later, son.
Kenny: (But I wanna play now!)
Carol: Oh, go ahead. We can make love afterwards.
Stuart: Aw, alright.
Scene Description: Kenny's house, front lawn. Kenny stands in the driveway and Stuart stands in front of the tattered sofa
Stuart: Well alright, here comes a pop fly. See if you can catch it! [tosses it high, but straight for Kenny's glove. Kenny catches it] Good job. Now throw me one. [Kenny takes the ball out of the glove, looks at it in anger, and shoots it straight for his father's groin. Stuart doubles over in pain and covers his crotch] Ohp! Guhhogh! [groaning, he ends up on his side, then throws up]
Carol: [opens the door and rushes out] What happened?!
Stuart: Aw, he smacked me in the balls! [groans some more. Kenny tosses the glove to his mother]
Kenny: [goes inside] (Woohoo!) [Stuart groans some more, then vomits]
Scene Description: Cartman's house, day. He's back at the computer in his room
Cartman: Okay, we'll try this again. [starts typing as BigBoned] Hi, everyone. I am a young boy looking for fun times with older male. I like to- [More quickly than before, his screen fills with cascading replies. He picks one] Oh, this one looks good: HungDaddy. [starts typing] Hello, HungDaddy. [reads the reply] "Hi. I'm eight and a half inches." Damn, dude, this guy's tiny. He must be a dwarf. [Says out loud:] Sorry, I'm not interested in being friends with midgets. [Types and says:] Midgets piss me off. Frowny face. [clicks and moves on] Lemme see, how about this one?
Scene Description: The South Park docks, day. Cartman walks towards the end, where a man in trench coat and baseball cap looks out over the water.
Cartman: [draws close to the man] Mister Hammerhead?
Mr. Hammerhead: [turns around and is instantly recognizable] Hi there.
Cartman: Mr. Garrison??
Mr. Garrison: [startled] Haah! Eric!
Cartman: You wanna be my friend?
Mr. Garrison: Oh, crap!
Cartman: That's cool, we can hang out. What do you wanna do first?
Mr. Garrison: Huh-uh, nothing! Nothing! [four agents appear and head for him]
Agent: Alright, scumbag, we got you!
Mr. Garrison: [voice quivering] Hey uh, uh, uh. Good thing you guys came. This... little boy was trying to have his way with me.
Agent: Nice try, buddy! We monitored your little online chat-now, you're coming with us! [the four agents, two on either side of Garrison, take him away]
Mr. Garrison: No-o!
Cartman: Why the hell does the FBI keep arresting all my friends? This has to be the work of Stan and Kyle! God, I hate those guys!
Scene Description: South Park Clinic, day. Stan and Kyle stand before a picture window.
Kyle: See? I told you, dude. Those are dialysis machines. [elderly people are seen hooked up to them] Old people have to hook themselves into it with a tube, and it sucks all their body fluids out.
Stan: Oh, man, that's terrible.
Kyle: I know, hunh? Put your mouth against the glass like this. [plants his lips wide on the glass and blows out] Waaaaah! [as the seal takes hold, his cheeks puff up and the inside of his his mouth shows clearly - it is a blow face. Stan smiles]
Stan: Haha, he-yeah ha. [makes his own blow face] Haaaaah.
Kyle: [makes the blow face and wags his tongue at the patients] Bleuh-leuh-leuh-leuh-leuh.
Stan: [does the same] Blaaa-lalalalalalala.
Cartman: [walks up] Alright, just what the hell do you guys think you're doing?!
Stan: [looks and then faces him. Kyle follows] We're making faces at sick people.
Cartman: No! I mean, what the hell are you doing?! Why are all my mature adult friends being "mys-teriously" arrested, huh?! [Stan and Kyle are confused and look at each other]
Stan: We don't know.
Cartman: I'll tell you why! Because you guys are jealous and can't handle the fact that you're immature, and so you've started a government conspiracy against me!
Kyle: We don't know what you're talking about, lardbutt.
Cartman: Lardbut. Oh, that's so mature! Golly, I guess I was wrong about you guys, huh?!
Stan: You're not more mature than us, Cartman!
Cartman: YES I AM!! [Stan and Kyle back up a bit. Cartman turns and walks away]
Scene Description: South Park Police Department, day. Mr. Garrison and Tony are in the cell, and Officer Barbrady sits at a desk with his feet up
Mr. Garrison: I'm telling you, this is all a terrible mistake, Officer Barbrady.
Officer Barbrady: Well, the FBI said I have to hold you here, so that's what I'm gonna do, Mr. Complainy Pants.
Mr. Garrison: O-ogh! [returns to the bed and sits]
Tony: Do you like having your back rubbed?
Mr. Garrison: Eat me, pervert!
Tony: Okay. [some commotion is heard outside. A group of men is seen approaching and the front door opens. The men walk in and approach the desk]
Man: We demand you release these men at once!
Officer Barbrady: Who are you?
Man: We are NAMBLA, the North American Man Boy Love Association, and we heard about these political prisoners you're keeping?
Officer Barbrady: Political prisoners? No, these are child molesters.
Man: Loving young boys has been around since the time of the Romans, pal! There's nothing wrong with it! We are an organization dedicated to showing that sex between a man and a young boy can be a beautiful thing!
Other NAMBLA Men: [ad lib] Yeah, uh-huh.
Officer Barbrady: [stands up] Uuuh, I don't know who you are, but these men aren't going anywhere until I hear from the FBI.
Man: Hate mongerer! Hate mongerer!
Other NAMBLA Men: Hate mongerer! Hate mongerer!
Officer Barbrady: Okay people [the men fall silent], I think you'd better move along before I arrest more of you!
Man: All these men wanted was to love a young boy! [pounds the table a few times] There is nothing wrong with love!
Mr. Garrison: I did not want love from a young boy! I like men my own age. [gasps and shrieks] Aah! I mean, I like women! What did I say?-Oh God! I love titties!
Man: You haven't heard the last of us, officer! Together we are strong. [turns and heads for the door] Come on, men! [the others follow him out, chattering]
Officer Barbrady: [sits back down and plops his feet up] Wow, they've got activists for everything these days.
Scene Description: South Park Genetic Engineering Ranch, night with eery lightning overhead and thunder heard. Dr. Mephesto and Kevin are at a lab table
Dr. Mephesto: I've done it, Kevin. I've successfully spliced this chipmunk with a piece of provolone cheese. [the "cheesemunk"in the box groans] Do you know what this means, Kevin? No more will the world have to look in two different places for squirrels and provolone cheese. No more will mankind have to pick- [the doorbell rings] Who could that be? [walks over and opens the door] Why, it's little Eric Cartman.
Cartman: Dr. Mephesto, I need help.
Dr. Mephesto: Well of course, come in.
Cartman: [follows Mephesto and Kevin in] You see, unfortunately I have matured faster than all my friends. I wanna hang out with older friends, but I can't find any, so I was wondering if you could genetically engineer some older friends for me.
Dr. Mephesto: [stops and faces him] Oh, Eric, I'm afraid it's not that simple. Genetic engineering has not yet evolved to the state where I can just make people.
Cartman: Damnit! But I wanna hang out with older guys!
Dr. Mephesto: Oh. Well, I happen to be a member of an organization that can help you. It's called, NAMBLA.
Cartman: NAMBLA?
Dr. Mephesto: Yes. I have been a member for several years. I'm sure they'd let you join. You l-look about right.
Cartman: Hokay, thanks, Dr. Mephesto! [turns and walks out]
Dr. Mephesto: Sure!
Scene Description: South Park Inn. "No Vacancy" "Welcome NAMBLA." Inside, the NAMBLA leader speaks to the group in a meeting room. On either side of him are portraits of men with boys on their laps. More picture line the walls
Man: [henceforth, NAMBLA leader] Fellow members of NAMBLA. As you know, hn hn, we continue to be discriminated against. Recently, the FBI has started to arrest men, who are doing nothing more than trying to start a sexual relationship with a young boy.
Members: Awwww.
NAMBLA leader: And now that all ethnic groups, homosexuals and women's are protected under civil-rights laws, [pounds on the podium] we want the same!
Members: [weakly] Yeah.
Eager Man: Yeh-hehah-hah.
NAMBLA leader: What we need is proof that young boys want to be members of NAMBLA. That they want love from us. We need a poster child, to show the world that it is a beautiful and wonderful thing and a- [Cartman enters and takes a seat. Men in the back row look on with some awe.] Can we... help you?
Cartman: Yes. I'd like to join your fine organization. Is that cool?
NAMBLA leader: You... do?
Cartman: Sure.
NAMBLA leader: [greatly relieved] Oho, thank you. Thank you, Jesus.
Cartman: [looks around] ...Sweet.
Scene Description: South Park Clinic, day. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny stand before the picture window. Stan and Kyle make blow faces again. The patients are dismayed. Kenny soon tries to make a blow face but his ever present hood is still on. His parents walk up
Carol: Well, Kenny, the doctor confirmed it. I'm pregnant! You're gonna have a little brother or sister.
Kenny: (No!!) [the camera zooms in on him]
Carol: Yup, it's for sure!
Stuart: And he fixed my shattered left testicle, too!
Carol: Don't be out too late, Kenny. We need to start movin' stuff out of your room. [the parents walk away]
Kyle: Wow. Your mom's pregnant, Kenny.
Stan: Yeah. Now what are you going to do?
Kenny: (I don't know. But I've gotta think of something.) [turns around and walks away in his parents' direction]
Cartman: [rushes up from the other direction] Nyanyanyanyah nyah nyah! Nyanyanyanyah nyah nyah! I got into NAMBLA and you gu-uys didn't!
Kyle: What are you talking about, fatass?
Cartman: Oh, no big deal. I just found a group called NAMBLA with adult members, and they all think that I'm sure mature they want me to be their new poster child is all. [Stan and Kyle look at each other] It looks like I'm finally gonna have mature friends who I can relate to. Nyanyanyanyah nyah nyah! I'm too mature for you guys! Nyanyanyanyah nyah nyah! [turns and walks away]
Scene Description: South Park Pharmacy, day. Inside, Kenny in his normal outfit, but with a blond wig, approaches the counter.
Pharmacist: Can I help you, young lady?
Kenny: [wearing a blonde wig] (Yes. I'm looking for some morning-after abortion-)
Pharmacist: Oh, you want some morning-after abortion pills. Well, they're right over there. [points to them. Kenny looks]
Kenny: (Thanks.) [walks over and looks at them. He sees "Morning After Abortion Pills," "Baby - B- Gone," "Get it outta me! (has an unknown, real woman's face pictured)" "Fetus Flusher" "Pregnant No More Super Size." He takes the "Pregnant No More" pills to the counter]
Pharmacist: Uh, I'm sorry, young lady, but I can't sell that to you without permission from your parents. [Kenny hands him a note that reads: I hereby give my daughter permission to abort her baby -Mother] Oh, well, alrighty then. Cash or charge?
Kenny: (Cash.)
Scene Description: Kenny's house, day. Kenny's in the kitchen mixing a drink. It consists of cocoa, vodka, ...and the entire bottle of "Pregnant No More" pills. All 999 of them. In a mug. He finishes, drops down, and heads for the living room
Scene Description: Kenny's house, living room. Stuart reads the paper, and Carol is knitting. Kenny enters with the mug
Kenny: (Look, Mom. I made you something to drink.) [a rat climbs onto the sofa headrest; Stuart shoos it away]
Carol: Oh, well that's very sweet of you, Kenny. You made my favorite drink for me.
Kenny: (Yeah.) [presents the mug]
Carol: But unfortunately, now that I'm pregnant, I can't drink.
Kenny: (What?)
Stuart: Well, I can still drink. [grabs the mug and starts chugging away]
Kenny: (No! Daddy!) [looks on as Stuart finishes the mug off]
Stuart: Ogh, that hits the spot. Makes me forget all about my shattered balls. [seeing Kenny looking at him] What? Wwhat's the matter? Uh, why don't you go make me another one of... of... [his stomach starts to churn, and he holds it] Who-o-oa.
Carol: What's the matter?
Kenny: (Uh oh.)
Stuart: Oh, God, I'm gonna crap my pants! [rushes to the bathroom]
Scene Description: Kenny's house, bathroom. A sign saying "CRAPPER SWEET CRAPPER" hangs on the wall. Stuart drops his pants and briefs, hops on the toilet, and starts crapping
Stuart: Oohhh, God! [farts and craps in pain] Oooh, my balls! [Kenny appears at the door. Stuart turns around and vomits into the toilet. He alternates between crapping and vomiting, farting all the while] Ooh, God [more alternating between pooping and vomiting as Kenny just stares]
Scene Description: Photo-Dojo, day. Members of NAMBLA surround the photographer as he takes pictures.
NAMBLA Member: Just a few more pictures, Eric. You make a perfect poster child.
Cartman: Thanks, dude. [poses in his beefcake swim pants for several shots before a curtain that says "I LOVE NAMBLA"]
NAMBLA leader: [arrives with some other members] Uh hey, Eric, we have a surprise for you. We want to have a big dinner and dance honoring you as our new poster child.
Cartman: Really? Awesome![continues to pose in various ways as camera shutter sounds are heard]
NAMBLA leader: Yes, and we you to um... invite all your young male friends. [the guys behind him start to drool]
Cartman: Oh. Well, sure. I have some friends who want to be mature, [looks back at the camera and mumbles] excluding Stan and Kyle, of course.
NAMBLA leader: Great, hnn. You go invite your little friends, and we'll get the hotel ready.
Cartman: KIIICK ASS!
Scene Description: Kenny's house, day. Kenny's on the sofa watching television.
Carol: [off-screen] Kenny?? Don't forget to clean out your room so we can paint it for the baby. [Kenny hops off as one commercial ends. Another one draws his attention.]
Announcer: [echo on] Hey, are you feeling down? You need some excitement. And North Park Funland has just opened its newest ride! The John Denver Experience! [the ride is demonstrated] You'll be Rocky Mountain High with this, the most EXTREME, INSANE RIDE EVER BUILT.
Two Guys: ["ACTUAL TESTIMONIAL"] It was-
Guy 1: [holds up right thumb] -fun.
Guy 2: [holds up left thumb] -fun.
Announcer: Note: people with heart conditions and expectant mothers should not ride the JOHN DENVER! Open now! Come on down!
Kenny: (Mom!) [walks away]
Scene Description: North Park Funland, day. People file in. The McCormicks are in line to go on the John Denver Experience
Stuart: Are you sure you should be going on this thing?
Carol: Oh, it's all right. [in a low voice] You know, I think maybe Kenny's been a little worried about the new baby. We have to show him that he's still our little boy. [the line moves forward. Kenny and his parents find seats in the first row. The ride itself is wrapped in the body of a small plane, with a wing serving as a ramp]
Operator: [speaks into a muffled PA system] Folks, please keep your hands and arms inside the John Denver Experience at all times. There's no sense in trying to unloop at the latch at any time during the ride at the John Denver Experience. Have fun.
Stuart: What did he say? [the ride swings up smoothly, but at the top it swings into high gear, slamming into the platform during one swing, into a building during another swing, and back and forth this way a few times. Carol is enjoying it quite a bit. The ride ends with a slam into a large pool, where the plane rests upside down] ...John Denver Experience.
Scene Description: North Park Funland, John Denver Experience exit. Riders exit. The McCormicks are the last ones out
Stuart: Oh, God, my nose! I think I broke my nose!
Carol: Come on, Stuart, let's just get you to a bathroom.
Stuart: Oh, I'm not gonna make it! I'm gonna be sick! [heads for the nearest trash can and vomits into it. A woman carrying her baby moves away. He grabs his stomach] Oh, my stomach! [pulls down his pants and poops in the trash can] Oh, my nose! [sneezes blood into the trash can] Gross! [vomits, poops, and sneezes, and this goes on for quite a while. Kenny simply slaps his hand to his head and rolls his eyes.]
Scene Description: South Park, day. Cartman runs into the boys in front of the South Park Clinic
Cartman: Oh, Stan, Kyle, just the guys I wanted to see! My NAMBLA organization is having a very important benefit in my honor.
Kyle: They are?
Cartman: We're gonna have a big, mature party at this hotel, and I can invite all my mature friends that I want. And that means I'm gonna invite everybody! Except for you guys! Nyanyanyanyah nyah nyah! Nyanyanyanyah nyah nyah!
Stan: [angry] We don't wanna go to some stupid adult meeting anyway!
Cartman: Well, that's nice, 'cause you can't go.
Kyle: We don't wanna go!
Cartman: You can't go.
Kyle: We don't WANNA go!
Cartman: No, you CAN'T go. [turns around and walks away] Hey, Clyde, Butters, check this out
Stan: Dude, maybe we do need to start being more mature.
Kyle: Yeah. I guess we gotta try to get into that club, too.
Scene Description: Kenny's house, day. He is asleep again in his room. Another nightmare appears. The scene is a delivery room at Hell's Pass Hospital. Kenny's mom is about to give birth, and Dr. Doctor is there with a nurse and Stuart
Dr. Doctor: You're doing fine, Ms. McCormick. [sees Kenny sneaking a peek] It's alright, Kenny. Come see the miracle of life. [Kenny approaches and is covered in amniotic fluid as his mom's water bursts]
Kenny: (Eeww.)
Dr. Doctor: I can see its head!
Carol: You can?
Dr. Doctor: Push, now. Push hard! [Carol holds onto Stuart's hand hard and pushes the baby out. The doctor shields his face] Oh my God. [the nurse screams in horror]
Carol: What is it?? [the baby is shown; it is a mutant with long claws and a nasty disposition]
Dr. Doctor: [turns to run] It's ali- [the mutant baby decapitates Dr. Doctor, the nurse, and Kenny]
Stuart: Oh my God, it killed Kenny!
Carol: Bad baby, bad!
Kenny: [sits up awake] (Huh. Huh??) [looks around and realizes he's awake] (That does it!) [jumps off, goes to the bathroom and gets a plunger. Then he leaves the restroom]
Scene Description: Kenny's house, living room. Carol is reading a book when Kenny enters with he plunger
Carol: [lowers the book] Oh, hi Kenny. What are ya doin'? [he lifts the plunger and aims it at her] Uh what are you doing, Kenny? [he fixes his gaze on her] Kenny, what are you going to plunge?
Kenny: [rushes at her with the plunger] (AAAARRRRHHH!)
Carol: Aaaaaaah! [jumps off the sofa and runs away] AAAAA! [Stuart arrives as Kenny pursues his mom]
Stuart: Kenny, what the hell are you doing?! [follows them out]
Scene Description: South Park Inn, day. Schmaltzy music plays as the camera looks at a large sign that says "I LOVE NAMBLA HONORARY DINNER" and has a picture of Eric posing under a spotlight at its center. Present in the ballroom are Cartman, Butters, several other boys, and the men they've partnered up with. The doors open and in walk Stan and Kyle, with their partners.
Cartman: [sees them] What the hell? [hops off his chair and walks towards them] Hey, what the hell are you guys doing here?! This is for mature people only!
Stan: We got invited too, fatass!
Cartman: Hunh. [rolls his eyes] Well, I guess nowadays, they allow any old schmucks into NAMBLA.
NAMBLA Leader: [now at the podium, a little giddy] Fellow NAMBLA members, it is great to see you all here. It seems like we have finally found a city that won't oppress us.
NAMBLA Membe: Oh, yeah. [others cheer]
NAMBLA Leader: First and foremost, I wanna recognize Eric Cartman, for putting us in touch with all of you pretty, young boys.
Cartman: [graciously, amid some applause] Thank you. Thank you very much. [takes a bow] Thank you.
NAMBLA Leader: Now, I know that many of us have already found partners in this fahine city, and I'd like to take a minute to hear some testimonials from members.
Stan: This is boring.
Kyle: Yeah. [yells] HEY, WHEN ARE WE GONNA GET TO SOME ACTION, HUH?
Member 1: Ho hohohoho
Member 2: Woohoohoohoohoo. [others react similarly, lustily]
NAMBLA Leader: [barely containing his glee] Ho, goodness! What a gift from God! Aha ha, we'll... "get" ...to it very soon, I assure you. But first, I'd just like to hear from a couple of you on your progress. Uh yes, Patrick.
Patrick: Uh I, I found a little eight-year-old named Buttehers. He's a beautiful [Butters lights up], bright, little boy.
Butters: Well, uh I sure am, I guess.
Patrick: And his skin is as soft as fresh linen. [the other men savor the statement]
Stan: [to Kyle] That seems kind of... weird.
Butters: Well, my skin is ssspringtime sssoft, I suppose.
NAMBLA Leader: Wonderful, heh hn. And how about you, Mr. Harris?
Mr. Harris: [with a stammer] Well, I want to announce that I may have found the dream boy of the decade. He's sexy, sassy, and full of spunk. His name is Timmy.
Timmy: TIMMMIHH, tih, Timmih?
NAMBLA Leader: Wuhell, members, I know we're all eager to get acquainted with our new partners and, so why don't we turn down the lights and start to dance! [the DJ starts the music again, and the boys and their partners take the dance floor. Stan and Kyle stay in their seats, as do Cartman and his partner.]
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, 8:05 p.m., Cafeteria. The main doors are closed as the FBI shows up in force.
Lead Agent: Alright, I want those perverted bastards all taken in. Got it?
Agents: Got it!
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, 8:05 p.m., Cafeteria. Inside, Mephesto holds court on the podium in front of a NAMBLA banner, but this NAMBLA is different...
Mephesto: [Kevin at his side] Hello, NAMBLA members. As the South Park representative- [the doors fly open and the FBI agents fill the room]
Lead Agent: [heading for Mephesto] Hold it right there!
Agent 1: Freeze!
Agent 2: Don't nobody move!
Mephesto: What's going on? [four rifles and a shotgun are pointed at him]
Lead Agent: Alright, sickos. Where are the children?! [the NAMBLA members look at each other confused]
Mephesto: What children?
Lead Agent: This... is... NAMBLA, right?
Mephesto: Yes.
Lead Agent: The North American Man/Boy Love Association?
Mephesto: [startled] What? No! [Points to the banner behind him] We're the North American Marlon Brando Look-Alikes. [a shot of the members is shown, and many of them do look like Marlon Brando]
Blond Agent: Aw, crap! We got the wrong NAMBLA.
Mr. Garrison: Aw, damnit, I'm in the wrong place. [gets up and walks out]
Mephesto: Don't tell me that that other NAMBLA is actually in South Park?!
Lead Agent: You know of them?
Blond Member: Know of them? We've been fighting with them for years over the rights to nambla.com!
Brunet Member: Yeah, those perverted bastards!
Blond Agent: Wow. You guys really do look a lot like Marlon Brando.
Mephesto: Thank you. Now, let's go get those other NAMBLA bastards before they hurt any of South Park's children!
Members: Yeah! Yeah!
Black Member: And let's kick their asses for stealin' our domain name!
Members: Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
Scene Description: South Park Inn, evening. NAMBLA members and their boys are still dancing. The NAMBLA leader steps up to the podium
NAMBLA Leader: [Cartman stands next to him] Alright, members, that's enough of that. [the music is stopped] It's time for all of us to retire to our respective rooms, and get to know our new young boys. [NAMBLA members rub their hands react lustily]
Member 3: All right.
Member 4: Alright.
Kyle: Dude. Being mature is boring!
Stan: Yeah.
NAMBLA Leader: Everyone come up and grab your room keys and we'll head upstairs, hm hm.
Scene Description: South Park Inn, upstairs. French music begins to play, and the men and boys appear at the top of the stairs and go to their respective rooms. After a few moments...
The Boys: Aaaaah! [all pour out into the hallway]
Stan: Dude! I think these guys mean to have sexual encounters with us!
Kyle: I know, dude! Let's get the hell out of here! [music resumes. All the boys turn and head for the stairs, only to see shadows moving up the wall, and they stop in their tracks]
Stan: Aah! There's more of them! Quick, hide! [the boys run into room 1A. Mephesto shows up and leads the other look-alikes onto the hallway]
Mephesto: Alright, Marlon Brandos, they've got to be here somewhere. Let's try this room. [they enter 2E. The FBI then arrives amid much commotion]
Lead Agent: Let's get those perverts! [the agents fan out and enter all rooms except 1A and 2E. A waiter heads for the stairs with a tray, but naked NAMBLA members pour out of their rooms and startle him. The tray flies off his hand]
Waiter: Sacrebleu! [picks up the tray and heads back to the room he left. The NAMBLA members go into 1A]
The Boys: Whoa! [pour out of 1A and head down the hall to 2E. The door there opens and the Marlon Brandos peek out]
The Boys and The Brandos: Aaah! [the boys run to 1E, the Brandos go back into 2E, and the doors to both are shut]
Carol: [enters the hallway from the stairs] Kenny, no! Leave me alone [heads into 1C]
Kenny: (Come here, mom! Let me get it!) [follows her in. The agents pour out of the rooms and switch places, again avoiding 1A and 2E. Stuart arrives and looks around]
Stuart: Kenny?? [enters 2C. The waiter again heads for the stairs with the tray]
Waiter: Zis time, I will not drop zeh food. [makes it to the top of the stairs, but drops the tray when the NAMBLA members exit 1A] Allo!
NAMBLA Leader: It's clear. The cops are gone. Where's the boys?! [the NAMBLA members enter 2A]
Waiter: [picks up the tray and goes back down the hall, angrily] Sacre bleu! [the door to 2E opens and the Marlon Brandos step out]
Mephesto: I think the boys went in here. [the Brandos enter 1E]
The Boys: [all exit 1E] Aaaaaah!
Timmy: Timmih! [all enter 2D. A poodle on a ball exits 1C and enters 2D. The NAMBLA members exit 2A and head for 1C]
NAMBLA Leader: Maybe the boys are in here. Oh bo-oys? [the NAMBLA members enter 1C. Kenny's mom and Kenny exit 1C]
Carol: Kenny, GIVE IT UP!
Kenny: (Come on!) [both enter 2C. The waiter heads for the stairs again with the tray, but Marlon Brandos and FBI agents pour out of 1E]
Waiter: [falls backwards] Waaah!
Lead Agent: Alright, you're under arrest!
Mephesto: No! You've got the wrong NAMBLA again!
Lead Agent: Damnit!
Agent: Hey, we didn't try that room! [Brandos and agents head for 2A and enter. Two guys in vintage bikes ride across from 2D to 1D]
Waiter: [exasperated, gets up with the tray] Sacre bleu. [walks away, having given up on the stairs]
Scene Description: South Park Inn, a room. The boys are safe, but tired
Kyle: [panting] Dude! We're surrounded by perverts.
Cartman: They're all over the place.
Timmy: Timmiihhh!
Token: [Token joins the group] What are we gonna do?!
Stan: Well, Cartman, you got everybody into this, you have to figure out a way to get everybody out.
The Boys: Yeah.
Cartman: Uuh, that's, that's fine. I know how to get us out.
Kyle: How?
Cartman: Well, look. Those perverts aren't going to rest until they've made love to one of us. Right? So,... somebody's just gonna have to go out there and... take one for the team. [the other boys are shocked at the thought] And I think, in all fairness, it should be Butters. [presents him]
Butters: Huh?? Uh-uh well, huh, why me?
Cartman: Now, are you a team player or not?!
Butters: Well, sure, u-uh I'm a team player-uh, I guess.
Cartman: Well, Butters, there is no I in "team."
Butters: Huh-you mean to expect me to go out there and let all those... huhu-horny old men... have their way with my fragile person?? Well just what team is this anyway?!
Cartman: Just go, Butters. We're running out of time.
Butters: Well uuh-uuh-alright then. [heads for the door. Stan sees him out and Cartman closes the door]
Cartman: Heh, he's such a dumba-a-ass.
Scene Description: South Park Inn, hallway. Butters is there all alone
Butters: Well, alright men. Here, here I come. [puts his hands over his eyes and moves across the hall] I'm ready to take one for the team. [enters 1D.]
Stuart: [exits 2D] Kenny?! Kenny, I've had enough of your shenanigans! [enters 1E]
NAMBLA Leader: [inside 1E] Oh, one of the boys just came in. [the members surround him and being their activity...]
Stuart: What the-? No, wait, no, WAH, NO, WAAAAAH! [Butters steps out of 1D, listens in at the door to 1E, turns around and walks away.]
Scene Description: South Park Inn, outside. The inn has been cleared, so everyone stands outside. An ambulance awaits a victim, who is soon on a stretcher
Carol: [voice shaking, approaches] Are you alright, Stuart?
Stuart: [sobbing] Don't touch me! I've had my nuts broken, body poisoned, have been made love to in the ass by three dozen 40-year-old men-I just wanna go home and take a, a hot bath! [the NAMBLA members are in cuffs]
Lead Agent: [to NAMBLA Leader] We've been after you for a long time, buddy! Do you know your rights?
NAMBLA Leader: Rights? Does anybody know their rights? You see, I've learned something today. [Stan and Kyle look at each other] Our forefathers came to this country because... they believed in an idea. An idea called "freedom." They wanted to live in a place where a group couldn't be prosecuted for their beliefs. Where a person can live the way he chooses to live. [Stan, Kyle, and Cartman look at each other] You see us as being perverted because we're different from you. People are afraid of us, because they don't understand. And sometimes it's easier to persecute than to understand. [Stan and Kyle look at each other, then at the NAMBLA leader]
Kyle: Dude. You have sex with children.
NAMBLA Leader: We are human. Most of us didn't even choose to be attracted to young boys. We were born that way. We can't help the way we are, and if you all can't understand that, well, then, I guess you'll just have to put us away. [shots of the agents, then the Brando look-alikes, then Stan and Kyle, who look at each other, then at the NAMBLA leader]
Kyle: [slowly, for emphasis] Dude. You have sex with children.
Stan: Yeah. You know, we believe in equality for everybody, and tolerance, and all that gay stuff, but dude, fuck you.
Kyle: Seriously.
Lead Agent: Alright, that's enough. You're all going to be put away for a long time. [The agents escort the NAMBLA members away. The members groan. The boys gather around Stan, Kyle, and Cartman]
Kyle: Well, Cartman?
Cartman: Well, what?
Kyle: Don't you think you owe everyone an apology for bringing NAMBLA here?
The Boys: Yeah!
Cartman: Alright, alright, I'm sorry I almost got you guys all raped. There.
Stan: And now, do you still think that you need to hang out with older, mature friends?
Cartman: No, I guess you guys will blossom into maturity someday. Just don't take too long. [the paramedics finish putting Stuart into the ambulance and head for the cab]
Paramedic: Okay, let's roll. [the siren goes on. The ambulance goes into reverse and crushes Kenny under its rear wheels, then speeds off]
Scene Description: Hell's Pass Hospital, Delivery Room. Carol has a new baby in her arms, and Stuart looks at it with her
Nurse: [voice-over] Dr. Flores, dial 18-
Stuart: Coo, cootchy-coo, coohoohoohoo, cootchy-coo.
Carol: Our little angel, yes.
Stuart: Oh, he's so beautiful. I know it's been hard on both of us losing poor Kenny. But this new baby kind of reminds me of him. [a shot of the baby reveals a boy in a little orange parka with the hood tight on his face, like Kenny before him]
Carol: What should we name him?
Stuart: Well, seeing as though Kenny passed away, maybe we should name him ah,... Kenny.
Carol: Yes. Kenny's such a great name. My little Kenny, a brand-new Kenny. (The new Kenny then mumbles)
Stuart: God, this must be the fiftieth time this has happened.
Carol: Fifty-second.


Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Mr. Garrison's classroom. But this day, a substitute teacher enters with a bag of stuff and makes an announcement.
Mr. Wyland: Good morning, children. Mr. Garrison is away today. I am your substitute teacher, Mr. Wyland. [writes it on the chalkboard. A shot of the class reveals Kyle missing]
Cartman: [in a low voice] Oh, sweet, dude. Substitute teacher.
Mr. Wyland: Now, I understand that some students in this class like to mess with substitute teachers. [Cartman points at Craig] But if we all behave and respect each other, I'm sure we can make this a fun and productive day. Let's start with roll call. Let's see, mmmmm. [runs his finger down the list] Eric Cartman?
Stan: [raises his hand] Here! [he, Kenny, and Cartman laugh heartily]
Mr. Wyland: Alright, and how about Stan Marsh?
Kenny: [raises his hand] (Here.) [he, Stan, and Cartman laugh heartily]
Wendy: It's not that funny, you guys. Jesus.
Mr. Wyland: Okay, and where iiiiss... Kenny McCormick?
Cartman: [raises his hand] Here. [he, Stan, and Kenny laugh heartily. A few seconds later his nose bleeds a white liquid all over his desk] Oh, hoho. Ow.
Stan: Dude, what the hell was that?
Cartman: Oh, huh. Oh, geez, you know, when you're laughin' so hard that the milk comes out your nose? Uh ho ho, man!
Stan: ...Dude, you weren't drinking any milk.
Cartman: Huh?
Stan: You have to be drinking milk for that to happen.
Cartman: Not with me, man.
Mr. Wyland: Alright. Look, why don't we skip roll call? Here's what we're gonna do today. [reaches into the bag and pulls out some glue and glitter] I've been told that one of your classmates has been ill for several days - Kyle Broflovski?
Stan: [drawn out] He's fakin'!
Mr. Wyland: Well, I've been told that in Mr. Garrison's absence, our activity for the day is to make a get-well card for Kyle. So I got this large piece of poster board, and we're all gonna come up and use glitter.and glue to decorate it.
The Class: Awww. [the kids leave their seats and head for the front of the class. Cartman remains in his seat]
Cartman: [drawn out] He's fakin'! [the other kids get busy decorating the card]
Mr. Wyland: Kenny, you come and decorate the get-well card, too.
Cartman: But I don't want Kyle to get well. I hate Kyle.
Mr. Wyland: I don't care! Get down here and do it!
Butters: Hey, watch it! [Mr. Wyland looks down at the group] Hey, what are you doin'? [the kids back away to reveal Butters decorated, not the poster board. A sign hangs on him saying "Get Well Kyle"]
Stan: Now, that's a get-well card! [the others laugh. Cartman soon joins them, but his nose begins to leak that white liquid again. He covers his nostrils and continues laughing]
Scene Description: Denver, day. The Denver School Administration building is shown. Inside, the South Park School Board is meeting. Principal Victoria is present among the three people seated around a horseshoe-shaped table.
Chairman: Mr. Garrison, after very careful review the school board believes that you should take a... hiatus from teaching. Indefinitely.
Mr. Garrison: What??
Board Member: Frankly, your conduct has been somewhat disconcerting. [a look of disbelief comes across Mr. Garrison's face]
Chairman: Did you know that not one of your students knew who Sam Adams was?
Mr. Garrison: Well, who cares about a guy that makes beer?! Jesus Christ, I'm trying to teach history!
Chairman: ...Frankly, Mr. Garrison, it isn't even your educational record that we're most concerned about. [reviews a sheet of paper] It's your somewhat substantial police record.
Mr. Garrison: [stomps his foot down] Oh, whatever!
Principal Victoria: Mr. Garrison, last week's charges of attempting to solicit sex from a minor wa-
Mr. Garrison: That was not me, that was Mr. Hat! [points to his puppet]
Board Member: All we're saying is, perhaps you should take a little hiatus from teaching until this little [does quotes with two fingers on each hand] "child molestation" thing dies down a bit.
Mr. Garrison: [rises from his chair] Gentlemen, teaching is all I know. It is the air that I breathe.
Chairman: We're sorry, Mr. Garrison, we have no choice.
Mr. Garrison: [crestfallen] Very well. I guess... I'm not a teacher anymore. [approaches the chairman] I suppose you'll be wanting my badge and gun... [pulls them out and sets them on the table]
Chairman: Mr. Garrison, most teachers do not carry a gun!
Mr. Garrison: Oh, sorry. So I can keep it then? [grabs back his revolver]
Scene Description: Kyle's house, day, Kyle's room. He's in bed delirious and mumbling. His door opens and in walks Sheila with Sharon and Stan.
Sheila: Kyle, Stan and his mother came over to visit you.
Sharon: Hello, sweetie. [Stan walks over to Kyle's bed]
Stan: Dude, you can stop faking now. We got a substitute teacher. [Kyle mumbles once more] Kyle?
Sheila: They say it's his kidneys. Kyle always has been a diabetic and lately his kidneys have just been shutting down.
Sharon: Well, the kids at school made you a card, Kyle. Look. [Butters walks into the room still decorated from head to toe in glitter and glue, and he carries the sign in his right hand]
Stan: Go on, Butters!
Butters: Ho, I don't wanna!
Stan: Butters, go on!
Butters: Oh, uhuh alright, then. [starts to sing] We're so sorry you're not feeling well We hope you're better soon. So we're bringing you some sunshine By, um, singing you this tune: [brings out a cane and dances] Everybody misses you And though we hate to cause a fuss We'd like to say, "Get well soon!" And "Please don't die on us." [pulls a rip cord and a bunch of balloons inflate automatically around him. Kyle babbles some more]
Stan: Dude, you really are sick, huh?
Kyle: I don't know, I...
Sheila: I don't know what to do, Sharon. They wanna have him go into surgery, but they're so dangerous.
Sharon: Sheila, have you tried holistic natural medicines? They work wonders. I read all about in People.
Sheila: Really? In People?
Sharon: There's a brand-new shop in town that sells holistic medicines and all-natural foods. It's run by this fascinating woman named "Miss Information."
Sheila: Oh, well, with a name like "Miss Information" she must know something.
Sharon: Why don't we at least take Kyle down there and see what she has to say.
Sheila: Okay. I'll get our coats. [turns and walks out the door. Kyle babbles some more]
Butters: Can I go now?
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, Mr. Mackey's office. Craig waits outside on a bench.
Mr. Garrison: [lying down on a couch] I don't know what I'm goin' tuh do, Mackey. Teaching is all I know.
Mr. Mackey: [in a armchair] Okay, well, maybe you need to view this as a chance to do something you've always wanted to do.
Mr. Garrison: I've always wanted to write a novel.
Mr. Mackey: Well, there you go, m'kay?
Mr. Garrison: But I never know what to write about.
Mr. Mackey: Well that's easy. Write about what you know. Write about what you love. What do you love most?
Mr. Garrison: Besides teaching?
Mr. Mackey: Yes.
Mr. Garrison: ...Poontang.
Mr. Mackey: M, m'kay
Mr. Garrison: I can't help it. I'm a womanizer sometimes, I know, but I just think that... taking a woman home and getting some hot poon is about the greatest thing in the world.
Mr. Mackey: Well that settles it, Mr. Garrison. What you need to do is go write a great romance novel.
Mr. Garrison: Yes, that's it. [sits up brightly] I am going to write the Great American Romance Novel!
Scene Description: Miss Information's New Age Shop. The sign is framed by two antlers and its entrance is a curtain of beads. In the picture window you see a pyramid with an eye on one side, a crystal ball and stand, a little elephant, and some charms. Outside, under the window, is a bed of flowers. Inside, Miss Information talks to Stan, Kyle, and their moms. Kyle looks fatigued
Miss Information: You see, the reason our body is stale is because of toxins.
Sheila: Toxins?
Miss Information: All the horrible food we eat-the sodas and meats are filled with toxins, and the only way for us to get better is to flush those toxins out of our system. Western medicine is so quick to cut and carve up, but all your son needs is a toxin-flushing diet of lemon juice and cayenne pepper.
Sharon: Wow, that's amazing, Miss Information!
Sheila: You hear that, Kyle? You don't need surgery after all. [Kyle coughs]
Stan: Uh excuse me, but, what do these toxins look like?
Miss Information: What?
Stan: Wuh, have you ever actually seen a toxin?
Sharon: Don't be a smartass, Stanley.
Miss Information: Mrs. Broflovski, I would like to give your son herbs that focus on the kidney. I have these excellent herbs from local Native Americans.
Sharon: Ooo, Native Americans. Now, they know how to heal the body spiritually. [Kyle begins to babble]
Scene Description: Mr. Garrison's house, night. A second-story window casts a shadow of Mr. Garrison at his laptop computer. He types and we hear the words as he says them in his mind...
Mr. Garrison: Out on the balcony, when Reginald kissed Diana's lips, her knees went weak. Slowly, he pulled her top down, exposing her soft, unyielding breasts Oh yeah, now this is getting good [sips some wine] Just the sight of those breasts made Reginald's penis very hard. [taps his chin with his left index finger. The computer screen is shown as the words are typed] His penis was of considerable size, and now beads of sweat slowly ran down his [pauses] penis, making it glisten like a strong swimmer fresh from out of the pool. It was a fantastic penis, that seemed as strong as a horse's leg, yet as delicate as a flower wrapped in silk. What a grand, grand penis. Diana's nipples [music cuts off. He thinks] Uh, let's see... [taps his chin with his right index finger] Diana's nipples...[The words on the screen are shown halted at 'nipples'] [aloud] Oh, writer's block, writer's block! Hmmm. Crap! I'm stuck. [turns his body to one side] Oh well, maybe that's enough writing for today, Mr. Hat.
Scene Description: Kyle's house, morning. At Kyle's bedside, Sharon, Sheila, and Liane talk to each other while Stan keeps vigil. Three other mothers are there
Mrs. Tweak: Oh my, he looks terrible.
Blonde Mother: Yes, poor little dear.
Miss Information: [arrives] Good morning, everyone.
Blonde Mother: [walks up to her and brings her in] Oh, thanks for coming, Miss. Information. Kyle seems to be getting worse. [Miss Information walks to Kyle's bed as Stan watches. She raises her arms and waves them over Kyle's body]
Miss Information: Huuuuuuuuuh [lowers her arms] Oh, I don't agree. He seems much better.
Sheila: Really?
Stan: What?
Miss Information: Yes, his chi is flowing much nicer than yesterday, and his aura is lighter.
Sharon: Oh, that's great news! [Kyle barfs and Stan steps out of the way]
Sheila: Oh no!
Miss Information: Nono, that's good. Those are the toxins flushing out of the system.
Sharon: Ooooo.
Stan: Those aren't toxins. That's the bean with bacon soup he ate half an hour ago.
Sharon: Stanley, what did I say about being a smartass?!
Stan: Don't be a smartass?
Miss Information: Now, don't be fooled. As Kyle's body sheds itself more and more of all the toxins he will appear to be getting worse, but actually, he is getting better!
Sheila: Wow. Well, I am on natural medicines. If only I had known sooner.
Other mothers: [ad lib] I agree. Yeah. That's right. [Stan looks defeated]
Scene Description: Hell's Pass Hospital, day. Dr. Doctor is in his office filling out a form
Nurse: [over an intercom] Mr. Marsh is here to see you.
Dr. Doctor: Alright, send him in. [from his desk, golf balls, a cup, and a set of golf clubs can be seen. Stan enters] Oh, Stanley.
Stan: Hi, doctor. [takes a seat]
Dr. Doctor: How can I help you?
Stan: Well, it's my friend, Kyle. I think he's really, really sick.
Dr. Doctor: He is really, really sick, Stanley. I was seeing him last week when he first got ill, but unfortunately his mother has decided to put all her trust into holistic medicine.
Stan: But I don't think it's working.
Dr. Doctor: Alright, Stanley, I'm going to be very honest with you. Your little friend Kyle needs a kidney transplant. Or it is very possible that... he will die.
Stan: [overwhelmed] Die? But... Kyle's my best friend. In the whole world.
Dr. Doctor: I know this is a lot to lay on someone your age, but... the rest of the town is so gung-ho in New Age medicine that I have nowhere else to turn.
Stan: ...I'll give Kyle my kidney, even if it hurts a whole lot; I don't care.
Dr. Doctor: That's very brave, Stan, but I've already checked my records, and you and Kyle aren't a match for kidneys. In fact, [looks at a sheet of paper] there's only one person in South Park with the same blood type as Kyle.
Stan: Who? [Dr. Doctor turns the sheet around, and Cartman's picture is on it. A close-up reveals that Cartman has AB-negative blood] Oh, shit.
Scene Description: Cartman's house, day. Cartman and Kenny are playing at dogfights in the air, and Kenny makes sound effects while maneuvering a yellow ship
Kenny: (Rrrrooowwwrrr, rroowwrr, pew, pew, POW.) [crashes the ship into a soldier]
Cartman: "Coming in for attack, Captain." Pipew, pipipew [grabs for the yellow ship] Give me the space cruiser, Kenny.
Kenny: (No, no.)
Cartman: Come on, Kenny, you have to give me the subspace cruiser [pulls the cruiser his way] so I can destroy the Gengrins on Crespus 5.
Kenny: [gets up as Cartman speaks] (Unngh. Stop, no! No, it's mine!) [pulls the cruiser back] (There! It's mine!) [the doorbell rings and the two boys tug at the ship in opposite directions]
Cartman: No, mine. M'yah! [the ship breaks in two, with Kenny getting the short end] Ha haa ha! I broke your space cruiser, Kenny! Ha haa, ha ha ha [his nose spurts out white fluid again] bluh oh, ha-ow! [blocks his nostrils]
Liane: [walks up] Ooh, sweetums, did you laugh too hard again?
Cartman: Yeah.
Liane: Well, some more of your little friends are here to play with you. [Stan enters with a sick Kyle in his arms]
Cartman: Okay, mom.
Liane: [genuflects and speaks softly to Cartman] And don't get too close to Kyle. He looks like he might have the AIDS. [Stan leaves Kyle and walks up to Cartman]
Cartman: What's goin' on, guys?
Stan: Cartman, we have to ask you a question. A very serious question.
Cartman: Oh-kay.
Stan: Kyle's in trouble, Cartman. I can see him getting worse right before my eyes. There might be a way that you... can save his life.
Cartman: Uh huh.
Stan: What Kyle really needs... is a new kidney.
Cartman: Oh, I think I see where this is going. [Kyle moans]
Stan: His mom is trying all this Eastern medicine and New Age bullcrap on him, but it's obviously not working.
Cartman: Stan, why don't you just ask the question?
Stan: Alright. Will you donate one of your kidneys to Kyle?
Cartman: [sings and dances] No no, no no, no! No no, no no, no!
Stan: But you only need one, fat boy!
Cartman: 'No no, no no, nono no!Nonono, no no!
Stan: Dude, one of your friends is goin' tuh die! Don't you see how serious this is?!
Kenny: [miffed] (It's not that's fucking serious.) [Kyle coughs twice]
Cartman: Well, perhaps I could see my way to giving up a kidney. For a price.
Stan: Oh my God!
Kyle: How much?
Cartman: I don't know. How much is your life worth to you, Kyle?
Stan: Cartman, you are so going to hell when you die!
Cartman: Yes, well, until then, I need about ten million dollars.
Kenny: (Ten million dollars??)
Stan: What the hell would you do with ten million dollars, fatass?!
Cartman: What I intend to do with the money is not an issue, is it? I suggest you start looking for that money quickly. Kyle doesn't seem to have much time. Tick-tock. Tick-tock.
Stan: Come on, Kyle. Let's get out of here. [they walk away]
Cartman: Okay. Where were we, Kenny? Oh yeah. [they return to the floor to continue play] "Quick, Captain, we must destroy the Gengrin across the fire." Give me the space cruiser. Give it, Kenny. M'yah!
Scene Description: Miss Information's shop, next day. A line of folks wait to enter the shop while a few shoppers exit with their purchases. Inside, the shop is busy.
Man 1: Oooh, free-range aspirin!
Man 2: All-natural cell phones! [Two stoners, who appear to be Richard 'Cheech' Marin and Tommy Chong, appear at the door with boxes of stuff]
Miss Information: Oh, look everyone. These are our two resident Native Americans. Chief Running Pinto, and Carlos Ramirez. [shoppers gather around the men]
Man 3: [amid the chatter] Ooo.
Man 4: I'd like to buy some more stuff.
Man 5: Come in. Come here, guys.
Man 6: Do you have any new holistic items for sale?
Carlos Ramirez: Oohh, oh yeah. Aah... [holds up a decorated clothes hanger] Here, uh, this is a- uhh, dream...catcher.
Woman 1: Oh, a dreamcatcher. I'll buy one. [other women start ordering them]
Chief Running Pinto: [holds up an item] Yeah. And these here are Cherokee hair tampons. They're, like, tampons made with all-natural hair from the Cherokee people.
Sharon: Ooh, a tampon made from Cherokee hair-now that sounds natural.
Miss Information: Native Americans are more in tune with the earth than we are.
Chief Running Pinto: Oh yeah. We love the earth, man.
Carlos Ramirez: Oh yeah, the earth is great.
Miss Information: [walks up to Sheila] Mrs. Broflovski's son is a little sick. Perhaps she could bring him in tomorrow and you could give him some spiritual healing.
Chief Running Pinto: Oh, sure. We could do that, man. We'll give him, like, a, a brain enema, or somethin'.
Carlos Ramirez: [laughs] uh'hm, ho ho hm.
Sheila: Wonderful!
Miss Information: [takes Sheila along] Why don't you follow me over to the cash register and I'll take a deposit. [the other shoppers crowd the two men]
Man 7: D'you have anymore stuff to sell? We wanna buy more stuff.
Man 8: Yes. Much, much more stuff.
Chief Running Pinto: Sure, uh, we just gotta go back to our truck- I'm, I mean our horses and grab some more junk. [Ramirez starts to laugh] Come on. [turns to leave]
Miss Information: Good-bye, Native Americans. The spirit of Maya is with you.
Carlos Ramirez: Oh yah. You too and junk. [they head out the door and away]
Chief Running Pinto: [off-screen] That's funny, man. [Stan walks in]
Sharon: Oh hi, Stanley. Look, I'm buying you some more all-natural toothpaste.
Stan: You mean the stuff that tastes like ass and doesn't fight cavities?
Sharon: That's right.
Stan: Look, um... I know that you all think the earth and its natural healing powers can cure Kyle, but... the doctor at the hospital told me it can't.
Miss Information: Well, of course the doctor told you that, because he wants to make money. Holistic medicine is about NATURE. [to Sheila] Two-hundred and thirty-three dollars. [Sheila pays, and Miss Information rings it up]
Sheila: Everything's going to be fine, Stan. We're bringing Kyle in tomorrow to see the Native Americans personally.
Stan: Isn't it possible that these Indians don't know what they're talking about?
Sharon: You watch your mouth, Stanley! The Native Americans were raped of their land and resources by white people like us!
Stan: And that has something to do with their medicines because...?
Sharon: Enough, Stanley!
Scene Description: Miss Information's shop, curbside. Kenny is sitting there. Stan exits the store, walks over to him, and sits down next to him. Somber music plays
Stan: Nobody wants to listen, Kenny.
Kenny: (I know.)
Stan: I don't know what else to do. I mean, he could die, Kenny. And that means we'd never see him again.
Kenny: (Uh huh.)
Stan: I guess maybe I've always taken friends for granted, like they'd always be there. If a friend died, I don't know what I'd do. [Kenny gets mad, Stan gets resolute] Well, I'm not just gonna stand here and watch my friend die. Kenny, go round up all the kids in town who want to help Kyle! Round them up and meet me at the bus stop at 7:30! Kyle's gonna live! [walks away]
Kenny: (Rrrh!)
Scene Description: Mr. Garrison's house, night. He's back at his laptop. He's typing with only his left hand now, while Mr. Hat sits on his right hand
Mr. Garrison: [We hear Mr Garrison's thoughts] Chapter 18. Diana had never slept with another woman before, but it was an erotic thought she often fantasized about. [out loud]Oh yeah, Mr. Hat. Hot lesbo scene comin' up! And as Rebecca's naked body lay before her, Diana couldn't help but feel aroused. [Words on the computer screen are seen typed] "Go on", Rebecca said softly, "Touch me." Diana leaned down slowly and brushed Rebecca's bare stomach with her fingertips... It felt good. Like a penis. A soft, but sturdy penis that felt warn to the touch. In Rebecca's mind, she suddenly felt like she was surrounded by penises. They were all around her, flopping all around and slapping her face. It was as if she were in a redwood forest of penises. [unconsciously, his right hand (Mr Hat hand) lowers down towards his crotch and is soon out of view, but the arm moves around some...] They presented themselves tall and mighty all around her, with... [catches himself masturbating] Mr. Hat, what the hell are you doing?! [looks around to see that no one is watching, then happily] Oh, Mr. Hat!
Scene Description: Bus stop, night. Stan waits with a book under his arm.
Stan: [checks his watch] Come on, where are they? [looks around. Three boys approach from his left: Kenny, Butters, and Timmy]
Stan: This is it??
Kenny: (Uh huh)
Timmy: Timmiiihh!
Stan: This is everyone that wanted to help Kyle??
Butters: Well, Clyde was gonna come too, but he, he said his mom was makin' tacos for dinner and Clyde likes tacos a whole lot.
Stan: [quite disappointed] Jesus Christ! Alright, Butters, you take this medical book, and everyone follow me!
Butters: Huh, where are we goin'?
Stan: We're gon' tuh take Cartman's kidney. [the others look are shocked]
Scene Description: Switch to live action. Daytime in a middle class American backyard. A dyed sandy haired, middle-aged, white woman speaks with her sandy haired daughter while seated on the patio lounge.
Mother: [Smiling, empty-headed into the distance]
Daughter: [hesitantly] Mom... Do you ever have those heavy flow days?
Mother: [Places her hand comfortingly on her daughter's thigh] Oh absolutely sweetheart, everybody does.
Daughter: [Camera zooms in on her face] Mom, remember the movie The Shining where the elevator doors are opening up..
Mother: [Camera switches to close-up on mother's face] Oh honey what you need is a more absorbent tampon. [grabs her daughter's hand and shakes hands in emphasis]
Daughter: [Camera zooms back out] Like what?
Mother: Well, what's the most absorbent thing in the world?
Daughter: [Looks down, plays with her hair and mulls it over] Well... Cherokee hair I guess. [Camera zooms back on her face] But what does that have to do with me?
Mother: [Camera zooms out and mother grabs a box] Because now there is all new, natural [Camera zooms in on mother who fakes a broad smile and holds a purple box of 'All Natural Cherokee Hair Tampons' with a Native woman that looks like the Land O' Lakes butter symbol] Cherokee hair tampons. [Broadens her fake smile].
Scene Description: Live action continues. Petri dish, on a table, with tampon is shown in front of tampon box while a light brown hand pours dyed blue water over the tampon. The tampon swells quickly.
Female announcer: [Speaking like an authority] A cotton tampon can hold only so much liquid. [Scene slides over to another petri dish with tampon in front of box where the hand pours blue liquid on that tampon that swells more slowly] Other tampons also come up short. [Scene slides right again to a Cherokee woman laying on the table with her hair spread flat along the table] But Cherokee hair has been known for ages to be strong and powerful [The hand pours dyed blue water along the Cherokee woman's splayed hair, which doesn't absorb any of it, while the woman looks up at her hair] Each tampon is hand woven [A white woman's manicured hand holds up a hair 'tampon' bundle up with cross-hatched orange yarn, bead wrapped center and a white pull string for extraction] from over 200 strands of Cherokee hair and then bound together with these decorative native beads.
Scene Description: Live action continues. Front yard of suburban home. Daughter runs up to mother who is trimming the roses.
Daughter: You were right mom! All natural Cherokee hair tampons really did the trick. [Mother smiles back fakely and continues working]
Mother: And when you're done using them [She holds up Cherokee tampon] they make a great toy for Jessie. [Mother and daughter smile broad, fake smiles] Go get it boy! [Mother tosses Cherokee tampon off camera]
Jessie: [Tampon flies into the grass where Jessie, the white terrier grabs it and shakes it] Grrr... grrrr
Chief Running Pinto (Tommy Chong in his stoner voice): [Camera shows mother and daughter smiling huge, fake smiles with their arms about each other peering into each other's face with the text 'Cherokee Hair Tampons' on the screen below. Mother mouths 'I love you'] Let the wonders and the mysteries of our people, like, change the way you think about tampons.
Scene Description: Cartman's house, night. Cartman is asleep in his bed... tossing and turning
Cartman: No! NO! Hip- hippies all around me. Help! Mommy! Huhuhippies!
Scene Description: Cartman's house, outside. Stan and the others approach, and Stan looks in the lower window. Stan now has a hand saw on his right hand
Stan: [softly] Okay, it's clear. [slowly opens the front door] Okay. Me and Butters are gonna go up and take Cartman's kidney out of him. Kenny, you stay here and guard his mom's door here with Timmy.
Timmy: Timmiihh!
Stan: Sshhh!
Timmy: [whispering] Timmiihh.
Stan: If she hears him screaming, or comes out or anything, just... stall her. Alright?
Kenny: (Okay)
Timmy: [softly] Timmiihh.
Stan: Alright Butters, let's go. [they walk away and up the stairs, then down the hall, but Stan stops in his tracks] Uh-oh, Cartman's pig. [Fluffy is seen sleeping in her own little bed. Stan and Butters try to sneak past, but she opens her eyes] Sshh, good pig. Good pig. Goood pig. Sshh. Okay. [Butters accidentally steps on Fluffy's tail and she squeals in panic. This wakes Cartman, who blinks and heads for his door half-asleep] Come on, we gotta get outta here! [runs a bit, then has his back to the wall as Cartman opens the door and walks out] Oh, no!
Butters: Oh well, we're busted. [Cartman continues towards Fluffy, Ignoring the boys]
Cartman: [smacks her] Shut up, Fluffy! [she quiets down and Cartman goes back to sleep, closing his door.]
Stan: Oh, phew.
Scene Description: Cartman's house, later. Cartman's nightmare returns
Cartman: Hippies. Hi-i-ippies. They're everywhere. They wanna save the earth, but all they do is smoke pot and smell bad. He-elp! [Stan rises from the other side of the bed with the medical book, and Butters rises, too]
Stan: Okay, here we go. [opens the book and leafs through. Pictures of the heart, fingers, liver, and cutaway of the male genitalia are shown. Stan giggles softly and turns the page to a picture of the kidney] Okay, let's see. Looks like if we cut here, and here...
Butters: I hope it's not too bloody; I'm wearin' my favorite pants.
Stan: ...vein right, well- [brings out the saw] Well, here goes nothing. Help me pull his pajamas up. [Butters pulls the sheets, Stan the shirt, and something more is in their way] No way! Kidney Blocker 2000?!
Cartman: [rises quickly] whatwhatwhatwhat? [sees Stan and Butters] Oh, it's Stan and Butters! Trying to take my kidney, are you?!
Stan: You suck, Cartman!
Cartman: [faces them] Maybe so, but at least I was smart enough to wear a Kidney Blocker 2000!
Stan: God-dammit, don't you care that Kyle is gonna die?!
Cartman: I do! I do care! Look how much. [a blank expression is on his face] Look. Look how much I care. [the expressionless face persists]
Scene Description: Harequin Romance Book Publishing CO. Mr. Garrison has finished his novel and is now inside talking to a publisher
Publisher: First and foremost, Mr. Garrison, I would like to thank you for choosing Harequin Romance.
Mr. Garrison: Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, did you read the book?
Publisher: Uh yes, Mr. Garrison, we did read your book. [taps on it a few times]
Mr. Garrison: Well, what did you think?
Publisher: Well, uh, frankly, Mr. Garrison, n-we don't know if the Harequin Romance label is appropriate for you.
Mr. Garrison: Ooohhh, why not?
Publisher: Mr. Garrison, uh... are you aware that the word "penis" occurs six-thousand and eighty-three times in your novel?
Mr. Garrison: Well, I'm sure there's lots of naughty words. It is a romance novel.
Publisher: Nnnno, I don't think that this book really qualifies as a "romance novel."
Mr. Garrison: No?
Publisher: [clears his throat] No. No, this is what we in the book-publishing business like to call... gay. Really, really gay.
Mr. Garrison: What the hell are you talkin' about?!
Publisher: It's just that the focus really seems to be on the... male organs.
Mr. Garrison: Well, I thought it was mostly women that read these things!
Publisher: It is.
Mr. Garrison: Well, women want to read about ding-dongs! D'you think women care about the details of female anatomy?! Hell no! Women wanna read about big, powerful schlongs! [the publisher has no answer] Look, I've seen women read these things. They skim along and skim along until they get to the part about the penis! That's what they want, so that's what I'm giving them!
Publisher: [taps his chin] Hmmm.
Scene Description: South Park, next day. Stan and Kenny sit on the curb in front of "South Park Pianos"
Stan: [despondent, voice cracking] There's nothing more I can do, Kenny. I've tried everything to save Kyle. Holistic medicine is gonna kill my friend!
Kenny: (You never seem to care when I die!)
Stan: [sobs] My friend is gonna die! He's gonna die and there's nothing I can do about it. [begins to break down] Oh, God, he's my best friend... [weeps]
Kenny: [stands up] (Well now, that does it! I have had enough of this bullshit! Screw you, Stan. I'm going home!) [walks away. Above him, a man is hauling a piano, but realizes the ropes are tearing]
Mover: Look out! [the piano snaps from the ropes and crushes Kenny] Oops.
Stan: Awgh! I'll never see Kyle again! [weeps]
Scene Description: South Park, Miss Information's shop, day. More people line up to buy holistic stuff. Inside, Carlos Ramirez and Chief Running Pinto field orders.
Mrs.Tucker: Four dozen Cherokee hair tampons, please.
Chief Running Pinto: [hands them to her] No problem, man. Pay Miss Information up front. [she walks away with the tampons and Carlos glances at her ass]
Man 7: Hi, uh, I have a little bit of pain in my balls whenever I watch VH1.
Carlos Ramirez: Oh, here, try this, man. Ah, this is allll-naturalll ball juice. [the man takes it and drinks. Carlos and Chief Pinto chortle]
Man 7: Wow, I feel better already! [walks away. Carlos and Chief Pinto laugh some more.]
Miss Information: [joining the two men] And next we have Mrs. Broflovski's son. [Sheila drags Kyle in by his jacket collar]
Sheila: [let's him drop to the floor] Okay, here he is.
Chief Running Pinto: Ahahem, that kid looks really sick.
Miss Information: Yes. He really needs his toxins flushed again.
Chief Running Pinto: No. I mean, he looks REALLY sick, man. You should take him to, like, a doctor.
Customers: [look at each other] Hmm?
Sheila: But you're more in touch with the earth.
Chief Running Pinto: Look, bein' in touch with the earth has nothing to do with dyin', man.
Sharon: It's okay. We trust that you know what you're doing. [Carlos and Chief Pinto look at each other. Kyle groans]
Carlos Ramirez: No, man, that kid needs a doctor! And besides, we're not actually Native Americans. I mean, I'm- I'm more like a- a Mexican.
Customers: What?!
Man: Hu-uh?!
Carlos Ramirez: Yeah. A Mexican.
Man 7: Uugh. [spits out the ball juice] Ptu, ptu.
Man 8: I didn't know that.
Gerald: Oh my God! [Mrs.Tucker, who had purchased the 48 tampons screams in horror and covers her crotch area]
Sharon: How dare you deceive us like that!
Chief Running Pinto: Hey, we never said we were Native Americans, man. Miss Information said that.
Carlos Ramirez: Yeah. She said nobody would buy anything from Mexicans. [the customers blink in anger, then gather around Miss Information]
Miss Information: Uh, toxins are your enemy. [the customers enclose her]
Woman 1: Kill her! [the pummeling begins. Carlos and Chief Pinto just laugh at the sight]
Carlos Ramirez: Funny.
Scene Description: South Park, Miss Information's shop, later. Stan, Sheila, and Kyle are still there
Stan: So NOW can we take Kyle to the hospital?
Sheila: Yes, of course, but we don't have a kidney donor!
Stan: That's alright. If you'll all help, I think I have a plan.
Scene Description: Cartman's house, morning. A cock crows, and Cartman's radio sounds the alarm. Cartman rises on his bed and stretches
Cartman: Oohh, morning, hum, hmyeah. HWAA! [jumps back. His Kidney Blocker 2000 lies at the foot of his bed over streaks of blood] That son of a bitch!
Scene Description: Stan's house, moments later. Cartman approaches and pounds on the door. Stan quickly opens it.
Cartman: [fuming] Okay, asshole! Give me back my kidney!
Stan: Dude, please. Kyle needs it.
Cartman: It's MINE! Not yours, MINE! Give it back right now, or there's gonna be HELL to pay!
Stan: Alright, alright, here. [hands him a bloody kidney. Cartman reviews it.]
Cartman: Thank you. And you'd better hope to God it still works, just like it did before.
Scene Description: Hell's Pass Hospital, sometime later. Dr. Doctor is in his office.
Nurse: [over an intercom] Doctor, Eric Cartman is here- [Cartman enters unbid before she finishes speaking]
Dr. Doctor: Why, hello there, Eric. [Cartman stands on the chair and slaps the kidney down on the desk. The doctor looks on]
Cartman: You see that?! That's MINE! My asshole friend Stan took my kidney, and I need it put back in! [sits] Please.
Dr. Doctor: Oh, I see. [holds the kidney up] Are you sure that now that it's already out, you don't wanna just let your friend Kyle have it?
Cartman: No. Because. It doesn't belong to Kyle, it belongs to me! It's MINE!
Dr. Doctor: Well, alright then. We'll get you prepped for surgery. [puts the kidney down and holds up a clipboard] If you'll just sign this release. [sets it in front of Cartman]
Cartman: Thank you. [signs the release form]
Scene Description: Hell's Pass Hospital, still later. Cartman and Kyle are in the recovery room surrounded by their parents. Stan and his parents are there, too. Balloons, a smiley-face and two banners, "I HOPE YOU GET BETTER!" and "GET WELL SOON", decorate Kyle's side of the room
Sheila: How are you feeling, boubbie?
Kyle: Better, thanks.
Stan: You look a lot better.
Sharon: Yeah, it looks like Western medicine really did the trick.
Kyle: Hey, thanks for going through all that to save my life, Stan.
Stan: Dude, you're my best friend. I don't want you to die until I do.
Chief Running Pinto: Yeah. [to Cartman] Hey, man, we're glad you're getting better, too.
Cartman: [wakes up] Heh. Hey, what what's going on?
Stan: Kyle's all better, Cartman, thanks to you!
Cartman: Huh?
Stan: It was all a trick. Your mom undid the kidney blocker, and then we put ketchup on your bed so you'd think we took your kidney.
Dr. Doctor: Yes, but it was all a trick to get you to come in and sign this release.
Liane: Isn't that funny, sweetie?
Cartman: Aarrrrrr! I am SO PISSED OFF!
Mr. Garrison: [enters the room and walks to Kyle's bed] Oh, here's everybody. [in his hand is a book]
Stan: Hey, Mr. Garrison. Where have you been?
Mr. Garrison: Boys, I have an announcement to make: I'm not gonna be your teacher anymore. I've become a best-selling author! And Kyle, I want you to have a signed copy as a get-well present. [hands the book to Kyle, who looks at it]
Kyle: Oh. ...Thanks?
Cartman: [livid] I swear I'm gonna kill you guys!!
Stan: Careful, Cartman, you might pop your stitches. [laughs a long time with Kyle]
Kyle: [white liquid spurts out his nose] Huh? [covers his nose] What the?
Cartman: Oh good, you got the crappy kidney.