Scene Description: A very blurry image appears onscreen, but it begins to sharpen ever so slowly... It's Cartman, thinking back over the season's events.
Cartman: I don't know where to start. First, it was all the school shootings, then these Wi-Fi scooters showed up, and now we know that ManBearPig is real and we could all be dead in a matter of years.
Doctor: [slowly] And you believe this all relates somehow to the movie Black Panther not being as good as everyone says it was?
Cartman: I know there's a connection. But that isn't what matters. I can't deal with people anymore. It's just... everyone sucks so hard, you know? Everybody is so stupid. And they all walk around going "Nya na chai cha nyachacha chai cha." And the only thing that makes me happy, the only thing I can trust... is this. [holds up his phone] But... all people do is try to keep me from it. [memories show up onscreen.]
Scene Description: Cartman's Bedroom. He is reclining back with his legs on top of his computer desk, smiling...while playing with his phone. Liane stops by and opens the door.
Cartman: I'll be in my room and my mom will come in and say...
Liane: [Cartman imitates her]"Eric, that's enough time on your phone!" [she leaves as Cartman frowns, then lowers his eyelids]
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, forth grade classroom. Cartman is on his phone again, smiling, while Mrs. Nelson has some multiplication problems written on the chalkboard.
Cartman: And then at school...
Mrs. Nelson: [Cartman imitates her] "Eric!" [he stops looking at his phone as Mrs. Nelson addresses him] "What are you doing? You can't use your phone at school!" [Cartman begins to frown again]
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, playground. Some of the forth grade boys are playing football and trying to block each other. Cartman is on his phone again, smiling and holding the football, with his back turned towards the game.
Cartman: And even my friends. My own friends! They'll be like...
Stan: [Cartman imitates him] "Hey Cartman! Throw us the ball. You're the goddamn quarterback!" [Cartman droops]
Scene Description: Doctor's office. Cartman is back on the chair.
Cartman: It's like, everybody needs something from me. All I want is a little time with my phone instead of always listening to people's needy bullshit. [a second or two of silence, then Cartman looks over and sees the doctor playing with his own phone.]
Doctor: Oh ahh, d'ya, sorry. Just... [puts his phone away] Uh, well, you know, young people have so much to deal with today. I believe that what you have is... anxiety.
Cartman: Anxiety? Is that cool?
Doctor: It's pretty common these days. What it really is, more than anything is an excuse to be lazy and lame to everyone around you.
Cartman: [sits up] Oh my God, that's perfect!
Scene Description: PC Principal's office, day. He's playing on his smartphone when a call comes in on the school's intercom
PC Principal: I'm busy. [the intercom beeps again]
Ms. Blaze: Mr. Principal?
PC Principal: I'm busy doing stuff! [beep] What?!
Ms. Blaze: The vice principal needs to speak with you. She says it's urgent. [PC Principal sighs]
Scene Description: The Vice Principal's office. PC Principal arrives there looking around
Mr. Mackey: [surprising him] Oh, PC Principal!
PC Principal: Uh-uh yes?
Mr. Mackey: Are you going in to see the vice principal? I really need to speak with her.
PC Principal: Uh yeah, we just uh, we're having an important scheduling to go over.
Mr. Mackey: Everything is okay with you two? There's no more "inappropriate behavior"? You know, as a counselor, I'm here to-
PC Principal: That's in the past, Mackey! We've paid our dues, and we're not hiding anything anymore.
Mr. Mackey: Mmm-m'kay. [turns left and continues on his way. PC Principal turns around and opens the door, then goes in]
Scene Description: The Vice Principal's office, inside. The office is a nursery and the PC babies are throwing stuff around and crying.
Strong Woman: [frustrated] I could use a little help here!
PC Principal: What's going on??
Strong Woman: Riley said a word her sister felt was insensitive to Muslims. Now they're all upset.
PC Principal: All right, what word did you use, Riley?!
Strong Woman: She just said "Aba daba."
PC Principal: Look, can't we put them in a daycare?
Strong Woman: Oh, yeah. That would be really smart. If anybody sees them, they're gonna figure out you're the father.
PC Principal: Well maybe they won't!
Strong Woman: You wanna risk that? The babies have to stay hidden because if people know the truth, then you're not PC and I'm not strong! [she leaves the office, looking both ways before closing the door]
Scene Description: A restaurant, day. Cartman is at a table waiting for service, but also on his phone tapping away
Waiter: [arrives, smiling] All right, can I take your order? [Cartman ignores him until he speaks again] Excuse me. [Cartman puts his hand up for a moment] What would you like, sir?
Cartman: Just a God- can you wait?! Isn't that your job?! Aren't you a wait-er?! [the waiter walks away, eyeing him. Cartman starts a video game. The noise from the game eventually catches the attention of a nearby diner]
Diner: Hey, could you turn your phone down, kid? This is a restaurant.
Cartman: It just so happens I have anxiety! That means I have trouble being around assholes who won't leave me alone! [leaves his chair]
Scene Description: The streets downtown. Cartman walks down a sidewalk when a cyclist whizzes past him and rings the bike's bell. He looks but lets it go and continues walking. He crosses an intersection. He then approaches Tele's, where the owner is sweeping the front entrance and then notices Cartman.
Tele's owner: Oh, hello, Eric.
Cartman: Shut up. I have anxiety. [approaches another intersection when an elderly man tries to get his attention]
Pedestrian: Hey kid! [Cartman is visibly annoyed] Hey kid!
Cartman: [turns around and yells out in anger] I'm on my phone!!
Pedestrian: You're about to get hit by a car! [a car goes by behind Cartman]
Cartman: [just angered] All right, that's it! Everyone stop! Just fucking stop right now! [traffic stops moving and everyone stops to listen] Listen up, people! I have anxiety! That means I'm in my shell and have a hard time expressing myself! I find it difficult to engage with others! So everyone shut the fuck up because my anxiety is up here right now!
Scene Description: A commercial. Zen music plays as the camera pans down to a Buddha statue in a garden complete with waterfall
Announcer: We live in a world of many distractions. It's hard to find peace.
Scene Description: A woman sits alone on a park bench on a sidewalk, looking at her phone. She then notices people all around her are looking at their phones as well
Announcer: In the hustle and bustle of modern times, we've lost the one thing we all need. [The scene freezes with the woman now smiling and the caption, "More quality one-on-one time with our phone" appears next to her]. More quality one-on-one time with our phone.
Scene Description: A blonde female pulls up a cardboard box from the bottom of the screen and holds it up, revealing it to be the Buddha Box.
Announcer: But now you can have it with Buddha Box. [a cardboard box with a "DO NOT DISTURB" sticker on the front, a drawing of Buddha above the product name "Buddha Box" and an antenna on the side. The woman proceeds to put it over her head] Simply fit the patented box on your head and set its Bluetooth to your mobile device.
Scene Description: A 3D rendered model of the Buddha Box with its internal workings is shown, along with the captions "FRONT PROJECTION 4K SCREEN", "CELLULAR ANTENNA" and "NOISE CANCELLING HEADPHONES"
Announcer: Inside Buddha Box, your phone is projected two inches from your face, and the noise-canceling headphones let you hear your phone without any outside noise, giving you peace from...
Scene Description: Inside a car that is stuck in traffic, an Uber driver is talking non-stop while a businessman in the backseat is visibly annoyed.
Announcer: That annoying Uber driver who wants to talk. [the businessman puts the Buddha Box over his head while the driver doesn't seem notice.]
Scene Description: A business office. A female office worker is at her cubicle and using her smartphone. A male co-worker starts to approach her.
Announcer: Those people at work who act like they need stuff. [As the co-worker is about to speak to her, she notices and immediately puts the Buddha Box over head and goes back to her phone]
Scene Description: A living room. A blonde male turns and looks into the camera as his three kids run around the room, playing with toy swords and a rocket and then jump on the couch.
Man: I want to be enlightened, like the Buddha, but I've got these fucking kids.
Scene Description: A family dining room. The blonde male has the Buddha Box over his head and plays with his phone, while his wife desperately tries to calm the kids down.
Announcer: Let Buddha Box take you to a place of peace and serenity, [the man is transported from the dining room to a heavenly atmosphere, floating above the clouds...while still looking at his phone] where you can have quality, uninterrupted time with your phone.
Scene Description: A bedroom. A woman is sitting on her bed and removes the Buddha Box from her head.
Woman: I was stressed out and feeling anxious. After just 8 to 10 hours in Buddha Box, I feel refreshed and ready to take on anything.
Scene Description: The woman's husband appears by the door and leans in to talk to her.
Husband: Babe, can you please come say hi to my mother while she's here? [she just reaches over and drops the Buddha Box on her head and picks up her phone]
Announcer: [The Buddha Box is shown rotating as it approaches the center of the screen] Order Buddha Box today and you too can have that quiet, quality time with your phone. Like... the Buddha. [The Buddha Box logo is shown. Suddenly it has a Buddha Box over its head and a phone in its hands]
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Cartman stands in the hallway with his Buddha Box on. Kevin walks past him, staring. Kyle and Stan walk around the corner and stop when they reach him
Kyle: What the hell is that?
Stan: I think it's Cartman.
Kyle: What is it doing?
Scene Description: Inside the Buddha Box. A close up of Cartman's face is shown, along with reflections from his iPhone screen, though they are all reversed.
Cartman: [out loud, but the Buddha Box is soundproof, so no one else can hear him] Ha! That's so sweet! [A Youtube page with an image of a guy covered in pasta titled "Guy hit by pasta!" and has 67,453 views] That video seriously made me laugh! [closes the app and returns to the iPhone home screen] Let me check my e-mail again! [opens an email app] Oh man, nothing from Lorenz yet? Whatever. Weak.[returns to the iPhone home screen] Oh! I gotta see that post from Clyde again! [goes and opens Instagram. A post from "ClydeTheMan" is shown, with a selfie of Clyde smugly looking into the camera. Behind him is Butters, who appears to be unconscious and laying on his back out on the sidewalk. It has the caption, "Guess who I found? #dead" and 110 likes. Kyle and Stan stay by Cartman until the bell rings, then they go to class.]
Scene Description: The boys bathroom. Craig is at the urinal. Somehow, Cartman makes his way inside and wanders over to the urinals. He stands right next to Craig and drops through.
Craig: Dude! [Cartman bumps into him] Dude, what the hell are you doing?!
Cartman: What? What? Who is that?
Craig: Get off of me!!
Cartman: [raises his Buddha Box] Oh, sorry Craig. Didn't see you there.
Craig: Yeah, 'cause you got a stupid box on your head! [finishes up, zips up his pants, and flushes the urinal, then walks away]
Cartman: Oh, there's nothing stupid about it. Don't you wish you had a way to deal with your anxiety?
Craig: [stops, then turns around] My anxiety?
Cartman: I see it in you, Craig. With your parents and relationships? Imagine being able to shut them out for a little while, Craig, so you can focus on what matters. With Buddha Box you can cut out all the unwanted noise. Not have to deal with conversations that are of no interest to you.
Craig: Well, I have to admit: sometimes, when me and Tweek are together it's... it's like he wants my atten- [Thump. Cartman has lowered his Buddha Box over his head. Craig turns around, dismayed, and walks out. Cartman turns left and steps up to the urinal]
Scene Description: The Fourth Grade classroom, day. The bell rings and Mrs. Nelson walks up to the chalkboard to erase the multiplication problems that were there
Ms. Nelson: All right, children, we have a lot to go over for today's quiz. Who can tell me where we left off? [turns around and notices Cartman wearing his Buddha Box] Eric. [no reaction] Eric Cartman.
Scene Description: Inside the Buddha Box. A close up of Cartman's face is shown, along with reflections from his iPhone screen, though they are all reversed.
Cartman: [looking at the website, "Thrown Tomatoes", with a picture and reviews for the movie "Creed II"] Thirty-four million dollars box office? How the hell does Creed II do $34 million opening weekend? [begins to flip through his apps] What's the weather like tomorrow? [The weather forecast screen shows it is 22 degrees and sunny in South Park] Oh, it's snowing? I gotta tell Lorenz. I- [as he attempts to access the email app, the Box comes off his head, and the light blinds his eyes] Whoa, whoa! Hey!
Mrs. Nelson: [holding Cartman's Buddha Box] What do you think you're doing?
Cartman: Excuse me, that's my Buddha Box.
Ms. Nelson: You aren't using this during class time.
Cartman: It relaxes me. Ask my therapist. I have anxiety, you dumb bitch! [Mrs. Nelson and the rest of the class gasp at his remark]
Scene Description: The Principal's office. Cartman has earned a trip there for calling his teacher a "dumb bitch"
PC Principal: I don't know what makes you think you're different from everyone else, but nobody gets away with slandering teachers at this school!
Cartman: [to his phone] Uhuh. Aw man, that looks, that looks sweet.
PC Principal: Hey! [no reaction] HEY! [Cartman peeks out from under the box, then looks at PC Principal]
Cartman: Oh, PC Principal. Hello.
PC Principal: Just what do you think you're doing?
Cartman: [as Zen music plays] I'm letting go of stress and being calm, like the Buddha.
PC Principal: There are no boxes on your head in school!
Cartman: Hey. Whoa man, what's going on? Are you suffering from anxiety?
PC Principal: What are you talking about?
Cartman: It's okay. I have it too. Anxiety is very real. But there is help for people like us.
Scene Description: Strong Woman's living room, day. The PC Babies have taken over it and are causing damage as PC Principal sits on the sofa wearing a Buddha Box. Strong Woman comes in and surveys the damage
Strong Woman: What the fuck are you doing?! [walks up and removes the Box from his head] Hey! What the fuck are you doing?!
PC Principal: Oh hey, I just needed to answer a couple of e-mails really fast.
Strong Woman: With a box on your head?!
PC Principal: I got one for you, too. [gets off the sofa and gets it to show her] It's Buddha Box. [no reaction] Look, you and I have been having a lot of problems. Clearly, what we both need is more quality one-on-one time with our phones.
Strong Woman: I don't need a box on my head to use the phone!
PC Principal: I'm sorry! [takes the box to the sofa and dumps it there] I was trying to be helpful! [gets his Buddha Box and leaves. One of the girls tries to pull a rabbit away from one of her brothers]
Strong Woman: All right, Riley. Give that back to your brother. [the brother chases Riley. Another brother goes to an end table and pulls the lamp off it, breaking the light bulb] Bailey, no! [a third brother sees some paper wads and begins to chew on one of them] Harper, don't! Har-per! [picks up her phone and starts using it. Then she looks at the Buddha Box and puts it on her head. The babies stop crying and begin to crawl or walk away. They pass by the restroom. Riley stops to open the door to show PC Principal on the toilet, and Harper looks on. They then move out]
Scene Description: Montage. The babies leave the house and wander the town. Bailey sits on a mailbox drop slot. Riley slides off the hood of a car. Harper somehow got on the roof of a building. The other sister walks out of a shop. The kids then take a submarine and ride it in an aquarium with fish and an octopus in it. They study some restrooms and cry over the "Male Only" and "Female Only" designations. Then, they are shown flying upward into the sky with a rainbow behind them. Next, they're in a children's library as the librarian brings out "The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn" from the American Classics shelf. The babies cry again. Finally the PC Babies logo comes up
All: PC Babies
Lead Singer: They're comin' to your town
All: PC Babies
Lead Singer: The wokest kids around When there's something problematic They're sure to let you know. Making things fun and gender-neutral
All: Everywhere they go They're everybody's fave-sies They're PC babies, yeah!
Scene Description: Crunchy's Micro Brew, day.
Patron 1: Hey Mike. What's that you're drinking?
Mike: This? Oh, it's a Cosmopolitan. I know, I know, it's a pussy drink. [some babies are heard crying.]
Patron 2: [leans in a bit to say] Hey, be careful, guys. There are some PC babies over there. [the three gents approach the babies.]
Mike: Oh great. Come on, I didn't mean pussy drink as in female genitalia. [the babies don't stop] Okay, I'm sorry! I'll order a Black Russian! [babies cry harder]
Barkeep: Hey, what's all that racket down there?!
Patron 1: Oh, there's some PC babies upset about certain drink descriptions.
Barkeep: Fine, we'll take them off the menu.
Patron 1: Who's makin' a difference? Who's the future? [this brightens the babies' moods as they start to giggle.]
Scene Description: A soccer field, day. The South Park Cows are facing a visiting team. Kyle and Stan kick the ball back and forth until a visiting player intercepts it and drives toward the Cows' net.
Kyle: Here it comes! Block it! [the player kicks the ball towards the net. Cartman stands there oblivious that there's a game going on. The ball goes cleanly into the net. The player smiles as the whistle blows.] What the fuck, dude?!
Token: What is your goddamn problem?! [he, Kyle, and Stan move towards him]
Cartman: [lifts up his Box] What's going on?
Kyle: They just scored again, you fat fuck!
Cartman: Oh, I'm sorry! I'm sorry I'm dealing with my anxiety! Do you know how hard it is for people with my condition to come out and even do things like this?! Living with anxiety is awful, huh Craig? [Craig is shown wearing a Buddha Box]
Kyle: Can we get another goalie, please?!
Cartman: Oh yeah! Sure! Yeah, because people with anxiety shouldn't be allowed to play sports! Right, Kyle?! [A Buddha Box sits on Cartman's head.] You know, our world is dark and scary enough without people like you making us feel inferior. [drops his Box over his head again, but lifts it up really quickly.] Asshole! [back down the Box goes]
Token: Fuck this! [walks off angrily] My parents didn't come here to see their son lose by 20 points! Come on, Dad. Let's go! [his anger vanishes] Dad? [Steve Black and a few other parents in the stands are wearing their own Buddha Box]
Scene Description: Downtown, day. PC Principal drives Strong Woman through town searching for the babies
Strong Woman: River?? Bailey?! Emory?!
PC Principal: It's okay. We're gonna find them.
Strong Woman: I can't believe you were on your phone!
PC Principal: You were on your phone too!
Strong Woman: It was my time to be on the phone! You were on yours all morning!
PC Principal: You're seriously gonna make this all my fault?!
Strong Woman: Yes!
PC Principal: Because last time I checked, you didn't even want me around as a partner to the PC Babies, even though I-
Strong Woman: [rolls her eyes] Oh God, I'm not doing this again.
PC Principal: Even though you need me to do shit for you every [Strong Woman drops her Box over her head] 10 fuckin' minutes! You don't get to just say whatever you- [notices she's no longer listening] Oh. Okay, cool. Fine with me! I'm the one who has a fuckin' problem on their fuckin' phone! [looks at the scenery for a few seconds] You know, usually, I'm afraid to tell you what I really think, but you wanna know something? [looks over] You wanna- you wanna know what I really think? [at no point did Strong Woman remove her Box, and he just drops it.]
Scene Description: The Park County Recreation Center, day. The doctor is seated with several couples who need help - Tweek and Craig, Liane and Cartman, Ryan and Sarah, Token and Steve. Craig, Cartman, Sarah, and Steve are wearing Buddha Boxes
Doctor: Anxiety can make you feel unable to cope. But living with someone who has anxiety can be a bit of a roller coaster as well. We have to support our loved ones with their anxiety and try to understand their illness.
Tweek: I just feel that Craig has changed so much lately! He barely even talks to me anymore!
Doctor: Well, because his anxiety make him feel like anything he says might sound wrong. That's why we must nurture our loved ones, so they feel safe.
Liane: Eric, I just feel like you have so much to offer the world, and it kills me that you're so afraid to let your inner you shine.
Cartman: [talking to his Buddha Box] Heh heh, that guy's such a douche. What was that... what was that one show he was on?
Doctor: Maybe you, you wanna text him that? [Liane picks up her phone and sends Cartman a message]
Cartman: Oh yeah, that's it. B.J. and the Bear. That show was so dumb. What kind of monkey was that, anyway? What was that- what was that monkey he always had- Wait. What the? What the hell is this? Oh God damnit. [lifts up his Box] Mom, will you stop texting me? I'm trying to relax!
Doctor: Look, we're all just trying to understand this condition, and it's like you're not listening!
Cartman: We're doing everything we can to keep our anxiety under control! Do you think I even wanna be here right now?! I am freaking out!
Token: Can we go now?
Cartman: [to his Buddha Box] Heheh, yeah. That's pretty cool.
Scene Description: A construction site, day. The workers sit around until the foreman walks up
Foreman: Hey! Hey, what's goin' on here?! Why aren't you people workin'?!
Laborer 1: We can't keep buildin', sir. We got a bunch of protesters who won't let us work.
Foreman: Protesters? Who?
Laborer 1: Ah, it's just a bunch of PC babies who think building this thing is wrong. [leads the foreman to the babies, who are all crying]
Foreman: All right, all right! What do you PC babies want? [the crying continues]
Laborer 1: I guess they're upset because the new viaduct is being financed by a state rather than a county institution.
Foreman: Aw, come on PC Babies! Why does that matter?! [the crying continues]
Laborer 1: I guess the state refused to finance a proposed program on race-relation education, an they see it as hypocritical.
Foreman: God damnit, not everyone cares about race-relation programs! Come on, PC Babies! We got a job to do! [the babies aren't budging and continue to cry]
Scene Description: Park County Police Station. One officer walks around with a Buddha Box on his head while a desk officer talks to PC Principal and Strong Woman
Desk Officer: All right, all right, just calm down, lady! You want to file a missing persons report?
Strong Woman: No! No, we don't want to file anything specific. We just need help finding some PC babies.
Desk Officer: PC babies? They usually hang out at the liberal arts colleges. You could find some there.
Strong Woman: Nono, it's five specific PC babies.
Desk Officer: Tony, wasn't there a report of some PC babies down at the Mexican border?
Strong Woman: No! No, these PC babies wouldn't have gotten that far! They can barely walk. I'm their mother.
Desk Officer: Hokay, okay. Last name?
Strong Woman: Woman.
Desk Officer: First name?
Strong Woman: [with a breaking voice] Strong.
Desk Officer: Okay, and you're the father?
Both: NO!
PC Principal: I'm her superior at work!
Strong Woman: Don't be ridiculous!
PC Principal: You think I took advantage of my position?!
Strong Woman: I'm not some two-bit floozy who goes around sleeping with her boss! I am a strong woman! Those kids were born naturally by in-vitro fertilization. [they begin to talk over]
PC Principal: I'm not Harvey Weinstein, all right?! I have nothing but respect for females at my workplace, and I would never compromise that position!
Strong Woman: We'll uh, see what we can do. In the meantime you'll just have to take a seat and wait. [they go and find two seats next to a man wearing a Buddha Box. They look around, find some Buddha Boxes on the floor, and put them on.]
Scene Description: Pi Pi's Water Park, day. A line of people awaits a ride down a water slide called "Hyperbowl". At the head of the line now are Cartman, Kyle, and Stan. Cartman has his Buddha Box on and isn't getting on the slide
Kyle: Go! [no reaction] GO! [thumps the Box to get Cartman's attention]
Cartman: What do you want?
Kyle: Go down the slide or get out of the way!
Cartman: You think I even want to be here, Kyle?! My therapist told me I need to force myself to go out and do things to overcome my anxiety!
Kyle: [to a nearby lifeguard] Can we move him, please?! [the lifeguard is revealed to be wearing a Buddha Box]
Cartman: Oh! Oh, I see! People with anxiety shouldn't be allowed at water parks. Is that it, Kyle? [jumps out of line] Hey everybody! Just so you know, Kyle thinks people with anxiety should just stay home! Yeah! I'm trying to come out of my shell, but Dr. Kyle here is just worried about his place in line.
Scene Description: Pi Pi's New York Splash, later. Cartman is sunning himself on a towel poolside with his Buddha Box.
Kyle: [approaching] Get! Off! My! Towel! [knocks the Buddha Box off Cartman's head] Get off my towel!
Cartman: God damnit! I seriously can't get a minute of peace! [goes to flip his Box upright as Kyle folds the towel up] Why is it that people who don't have a Buddha Box are always flipping Buddha Boxes off the heads of people with anxiety?!
Kyle: [Stan, Clyde, and Token look on] I got news for you, Cartman! Everyone has anxiety! Everyone gets nervous! Everyone is afraid being around people! Everyone has feelings they'd rather stay home alone! And you know what they do? They get over it. And they stop being a piece of shit!
Cartman: [subdued] Everyone has anxiety?
Kyle: Yes!
Cartman: Oh my God. I know what I have to do now. Yo-you're right, Kyle! You're right! [hurries away]
Kyle: What? No. No! What did I just do?
Stan: Should have just let him be on his phone, dude.
Scene Description: Spinny Mountain Records, day
Record Producer: You know what the kids like today? They like music that matters! I think you guys got what it takes to be the next big thing! The PC Babies! [the babies cry] That's what I'm talkin' about! That stuff is raw! Everyone loves you, PC Babies! We're gonna make you famous!
Scene Description: The recording booth, moment later.
Bruce: All right, PC Babies, let's hear what you got. [Music plays as the babies start thrashing about and cry. Riley's on drums, Bailey's on banjo, Harper's on the piano, River is on the triangle, and Emory is on the xylophone. After a few seconds of recording, Bruce and the record producer hi-five each other.]
Scene Description: South Park Police Station, day. The desk officer is writing on a clipboard while listening to the radio
DJ: All right, South Park, and now here's that special treat we told you about. Live with us in the studio is a hot new band: The PC Babies. They're gonna perform their new song, which is about the injustice of white people in dreadlocks. It's called "Weeaaagh." [the song recorded earlier plays. The desk officers starts to move his head and snap his fingers to the music. Strong Woman and PC Principal eventually notice]
Strong Woman: [raises her Buddha Box] Riley?
PC Principal: [raises his Buddha Box] Tha-that's Bailey!
Desk Officer: [continues moving his head and snapping his fingers] It's the PC Babies. Guess they're all the rage now.
PC Principal: Cone on! [the couple bolts from their chairs]
Scene Description: The Mayor's Office, day. Cartman is talking to the Mayor and her aides, now sporting a shaved head, wearing a bathrobe and towel like a Buddhist monk, with his Buddha Box beside him
Cartman: To quiet one's mind, one must have a dialog with one's self. I have found enlightenment. But there are so many others who suffer. It's very important to take the time to shut out the outside world. In the Hindu religion, there's a saying, "Namaste." It means "fuck you, I have anxiety." At first I thought it was only a few of us, but then something was said to me by Kyle. He said "Eric, my friend, everyone has anxiety." I know what you're thinking: "Fuck Kyle." And normally I would agree with you, but hear his words. Everyone has anxiety. We must recognize this disease as an epidemic. Yes, fuck Kyle, but Mayor, we have to raise money to get everyone who has anxiety the tools they need to cope.
Mayor McDaniels: And how do YOU think we get that money? How do YOU suggest we do this?
Cartman: Namaste.
Johnson: Na-ma-ste.
Cartman: Fuck you too.
Scene Description: WXFU 88.3, day. The secretary has a Buddha Box on her head. The babies and the record producer step off the elevator and head towards the exit.
Record Producer: That was far out, PC Babies! You really rocked the airwaves! Now come on! We got a photo shoot at 5! [PC Principal and Strong Woman burst through the doors]
PC Principal: Kids! [they run past the producer towards the kids.]
Strong Woman: You're okay! Thank God!
Record Producer: Who the hell are you??
Strong Woman: [her and PC Principal pick up the babies] I'm their... vice principal.
PC Principal: Yea, and ah-I'm their principal. We need to get these kids back to school.
Record Producer: You can't do that! These are the PC Babies! Don't you know how big they are?! In just one day they protested a bar, stopped construction of a problematic viaduct, and wrote a hit single about cultural appropriation!
Strong Woman: They... did all that?
PC Principal: Oh my God. They had their first protests... and we missed it. We missed everything because... we were on our phones.
Strong Woman: I've always used the phone as a way to deal with the stress of having babies nobody could know the truth about, but... it's only made it worse.
PC Principal: You know what we have to do, right?
Strong Woman: Yeah, I think so.
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, cafeteria, day. a PTA meeting is taking place
PC Principal: All right everyone, listen up. The vice principal and I have been discussing student health, and it's our firm belief that they need, and what we all need, is less time on our phones. [the attendees are shown, every last one of them in a Buddha Box tapping away on their phones.] Yes, yes I know it's an unpopular idea, but just hear me out, please. Our phones are the cause of stress, not the relief from it. We are banning phones and Buddha Boxes, and we suggest you all strictly limit their use at home as well. [continued constant tapping]
Strong Woman: [observing the room] I don't think anyone's listening to you.
PC Principal: Yeah... Nobody's listening. And nobody's watching. [puts down the microphone]
Strong Woman: I guess we can wait and ban the boxes tomorrow? [they kiss]
Scene Description: Montage. "Today" by Brad Paisley begins to play. While they kiss, people on the sidewalk in front of the school walk around wearing Buddha Boxes.PC Principal check to see if the coast is clear, then pulls Strong Woman and the five babies out. With everyone wearing Buddha Boxes, the family walks around town happy and free. Next they walk through Downtown. A man crosses the street and is struck by a car, flipping over it and landing on his stomach. Both driver and pedestrian are wearing Buddha Boxes. The parents just gather up the PC babies, knowing they're safe from harm. Next, they're having a picnic at the park. Next, they're in Aspen skiing down the bunny slope. One of the babies slips, and everyone else follows suit. Next, they walk past a fire pit in the lodge. Last scene is of the family eating at Buca de Fagoncini
Brad Paisley: You keep brushing that hair back out of your eyes And it just keeps falling and so do I I am feeling like the luckiest man alive Today And I don't know about tomorrow Right now the whole world feels right And the memory of a day like today Can get you through the rest of your life


Scene Description: The Stotch garage, day. Butters is working on his bike, trying to make it stand out
Butters: Oh, boy! This is looking so great. [Stephen enters and takes a safety vest from the coat rack by the door] Hey, Dad! The big bike parade is this weekend. How's it look? First prize is $50!
Stephen: [frustrated] What are you saying, that our family needs cash?! I'm busting my ass trying to make ends meet! You wanna go live with Kim Kardashian?! She's better than me 'cause she's got money?! Fuck you, son! [leaves and slams the door. Butters' smile stays]
Scene Description: The Stotch kitchen, moments later. Stephen enters and puts on the vest
Linda: Butters really loves that bike parade.
Stephen: [frustrated] I don't need to be reminded every ten minutes that money's tight! [Linda puts her hands together and looks down. He sighs] I'm sorry. It's just this new job. It can be such a grind.
Linda: [consoles him] You work too hard at that place.
Stephen: [takes Linda's hands and holds them] Kids these days just don't understand how much their parents break their back to provide.
Gruff Worker: [from outside] Come on, Stotch! [Stephen goes to the front door and opens it]
Scene Description: Stotch Residence, exterior. Outside, the gruff worker stands in front of a copper colored sedan, along with Stuart McCorrmick and one of the town rednecks. All three are wearing safety vests.
Stuart: You're drivin' carpool today or not?
Gruff Worker: Gotta get down factory before the bell!
Stephen: [he briefly holds Linda's hand before leaving] Goodbye, Linda.
Linda: Don't let that place work you to death.
Scene Description: Montage, set to "Sixteen Tons" by Tennessee Ernie Ford. The four men drive to their new jobs - at the Amazon Fulfillment Center. All workers drive through checkpoints and then park. They go through turnstiles that only turn one way. The scenes then focus on Stephen, who's shown lifting boxes onto a waiting cart. Other scenes show other parts of packaging that Stephen is performing. Then they show him and other employees eating lunch at the cafeteria. Stephen has earphones on while eating his lunch and then subscribes to Amazon Prime music. Then scenes of automated robots working alongside the workers. A few hours more of this and Stuart goes home for the day. He pulls up to his driveway and brings Butters some things from Amazon, including Amazon Prime TV. He then goes to the kitchen to give Linda a new hand blender. At bedtime, Linda looks at her phone while Stephen is at the computer ordering a desk lamp on Amazon. Next day, the whole thing starts over again. The four men carpool to work, Stephen is at a receiving workstation then the workday is filmed in time-lapse photographs. Most of that time, Stephen is shown standing in one place. Another scene shows the outgoing boxes being stamped with the shipping information, then being sorted to their destinations. Some packages are being sent through Amazon Prime Air, the new drone delivery service. The last scene shows Stephen driving onto his driveway and getting out just in time to see a drone deliver another package to his door. He picks it up and gives it to Butters in the garage. It's a new horn for his bicycle
Tennessee Ernie Ford: Some people say a man is made outta mud A poor man's made outta muscle and blood Muscle and blood and skin and bones A mind that's a-weak and a back that's strong You load sixteen tons, what do you get? Another day older and deeper in debt Saint Peter don't you call me 'cause I can't go I owe my soul to the company store I was born one mornin' when the sun didn't shine I picked up my shovel and I walked to the mine I loaded sixteen tons of number nine coal And the straw boss said "Well, a-bless my soul" You load sixteen tons, what do you get? Another day older and deeper in debt Saint Peter don't you call me 'cause I can't go I owe my soul to the company store I was born one mornin', it was drizzlin' rain Fightin' and trouble are my middle name I was raised in the canebrake by an ol' mama lion Can't no-a high-toned woman make me walk the line You load sixteen tons, what do you get? Another day older and deeper in debt Saint Peter don't you call me 'cause I can't go I owe my soul to the company store
Scene Description: The neighborhood. Butters takes his bike out for a spin. It's got a new horn as well as reflective stars on the wheels, some playing cards sticking to a clothespin attached to the bike form.
Butters: [joyfully] Yeah! Yippie! [Stan and friends sit on the curb. Butters honks his horn as he passes by] Hey, fellas, what'dya think? [Cartman, wearing his Buddha Box, lifts it up and looks]
Stan: Think about what?
Butters: How my decorations are coming. The big bike parade is this weekend.
Cartman: Bike parade? That's so dumb.
Butters: Well, you won't think it's dumb when I win first prize. I'm goin' all out this year. I'll finally beat Larry Zewiski.
Stan: Dude, nobody cares about a stupid bike parade.
Larry: Hey, Stotch! [everybody looks over. Larry's on a tricycle, which has several flags on it, with four rockets strapped to the rear wheels, and he's exuding confidence] You gettin' pumped for the big bike parade? [Cartman lifts up his Buddha Box and looks over] Yeah, I'm pretty excited, I guess.
Porsche: Wow! Hey, nice bike, Larry.
Mercedes: Are you gonna be in the bike parade?
Larry: Yeah, I'm thinkin' about it. [the boys just stare.] Come on, girls. I'll show you my blue ribbons. Later, Stotch. Sucka! [he and the girls leave]
Butters: [head lowered] Well, anyway... [looks at the boys] well, I'm gettin' some more things for my bike too. [lowers his head again] Um... I'll see ya, fellas. [walks away slowly. The boys watch him leave]
Scene Description: Amazon Fulfillment Center. In the main shopping area, Stephen shows the Tweeks the ropes
Stephen: So this is where all the main boxing and transferring happens. I'm excited to have you guys working here at the fulfillment center, Mr. and Mrs. Tweek.
Richard: We really didn't have a choice. Since the fulfillment center opened, me and my wife's coffee business has gone belly-up.
Stephen: Yeah, people are ordering everything online these days. That's why you'll find a lot of familiar faces working here. [they walk by Mr. Slave, who's preparing boxes for packing. He waves to them before returning back to work] Everything's automated and timed to precision to get people's orders out to them as soon as possible. This is Josh, he'll be your section manager.
Josh: Howdy, folks.
Stephen: In these warehouses, there are over one million items, from toothpaste to Go Karts, and it's the work of both humans and machines that make the work possible. [a bos-laden machine runs into Josh and carries him away screaming.] You'll get a message on your device which item to get, then get it to one of our loaders, and the machines do the rest. [an alarm goes off and red lights blink. Everyone stops what they're doing and looks around]
Bearded Worker: We got another one!
Stephen: Josh! [Josh becomes a pinball among the machines and screams every time another machine carries him away. Stephen and the other workers run up to a chainlink fence] Hang on, Josh! [Josh is now in the conveyor system being knocked around like a package] Shut it down! Shut it down! [a beefy worker presses the emergency shut-off button, but it fails]
Beefy Worker: It's not shuttin' down. [a shipping label is stamped onto the crotch area on Josh's pants. He goes down a roller slide and stands up, at which point he's wrapped up in thin plastic sheets. He's then sent down a chute to a vat of plastic peanuts that whirls him around until he disappears into it.]
Josh: Aaaarargargar!
Stephen: Whenever there's a workplace accident, you need to fill out a 1081 form. [pulls out a copy of the form]
Scene Description: Kenny's house at the Historic SoDoSoPa ruins, day. Kenny is now working on his bike with the same kinds of trimmings Butters used. He's painting his bike blue. Cartman shows up with Stan and Kyle, while Kenny has his back towards the garage door
Cartman: What are you doing?
Kenny: [quickly turns around and then tries to hide the spray can] (What?! You scared me, guys! Wassup?)
Stan: "Wassup" is I thought we agreed bike parades are stupid.
Kenny: (Bike parades ARE stupid.)
Cartman: Don't lie, Kenny! You saw that Larry kid scoring chicks with his bike, heard about the cash prize, and you decided to do the bike parade behind our backs! I know 'cause I thought the same thing!
Stan: Me too.
Cartman: [looks down, then wanders off as somber music plays] Jesus. Is this really what it's come down to, you guys? Whatever happened to *us*?
Kyle: What do you mean?
Cartman: It used to always be the four of us. Always. Now Stan's moved to a farm. I have anxiety. Kenny? Nobody really talks to Kenny. And then there's just... Kyle. We used to do everything together. What if we did this like the old days?
Kyle: [music picks up] Four bikes, one common theme.
Stan: We could totally own the bike parade.
Kenny: (Yeah!)
Cartman: If we order everything online, we can have it delivered tomorrow! [gets on his phone] We need props, pyrotechnics, the works!
Stan: [pulls out his phone and starts tapping away] Yeah, and we gotta order some badass spokes and those wheel bumpers!
Kyle: [pulls out his phone and starts tapping away] I'll start looking for costumes! What theme are we thinking?
Cartman: Kenny, get on your mom's laptop and start ordering streamers, sparklers and rockets! Make sure everyone ships Next Day Delivery! This is gonna be just like the old times, you guys!
Scene Description: Amazon Fulfillment Center, exterior, dusk. As the Fulfillment Center employees leave for the night, Celtic music plays nearby at Crunchy's Micro Brew.
Scene Description: Crunchy's Microwbrew, interior. Fulfillment Center employees have a drink and chat among each other, while a group of Irish musicians play on stage.
Irish Singers: Workin' me fingers to the bone, I need me a drink before goin' home. Be back in the mornin', pack boxes at dawn. Workin' for Amazon
Stephen: Can I have a beer, please? Whatcha got on tap?
Barkeep: Amazon, Amazon light, and Amazon IPA.
Stephen: Gimme Amazon Light. I'm a Prime member. [holds up an Amazon credit card]
Gruff Worker: [now with both arms bandaged up] What the fook are we doin', anyway? Breakin' our backs! Loadin' up forklifts! Gettin' paper cuts from boxes! And for what?! A measly paycheck that just barely covers our online purchases.
Stephen: Yeah, well, we should be thankful we even have jobs, huh? Before the fulfillment center opened, we really didn't have anything.
Gruff Worker: We had our dignity!
Stuart: [speaks up] Hey everyone! Everyone, listen! [music and all conversations stop] Amazon just posted a statement about Josh's accident. They're calling it "human error" [chatter picks up] "Amazon regrets the recent workplace accident and is working to better train its workers so that no future accidents occur."
Bearded Worker: Who do they think they are?!
Gruff Worker: It was the bloody machines!
Stephen: [nervous chuckle] Okay, hold on, everyone. I'm sure there's an explanation.
Stuart: This is what we've been reduced to! We are the backbone that makes the fulfillment center work! Maybe they should see what it would be like if we didn't show up for work! [all cheer]
Skeeter: We'll do it for Josh, and so what happened to him never happens to anyone else.!
Stephen: Hold on, guys. [nervous chuckle] M-My son has a big bike parade coming up. I... I can't just not show up to work now.
Stuart: [Comes up to Stephen and puts his finger in his face] What's more important to you, Stotch? A bike parade, or Josh?![leaves]
Stephen: A bike parade.
Stuart: Amazon workers, we are on strike! [the workers roar back in approval and cheer, while Stephen looks around nervously]
Scene Description: Cartman's house, day. He's still in bed as the sun breaks. It's morning, and his alarm goes off. He sits up and then leaves the bed
Cartman: My stuff's here! [runs out of the room and downstairs] My stuff! My stuff! My stuff my stuff my stuff! [runs by the sofa, where Liane sits, She's sipping coffee.]
Liane: Mornin' hon.
Cartman: Shut up! [opens the front door and looks out, smiling] Stuff? [looks around, then steps out a bit further] Stuff? [One more look, then goes back inside and walks up to Liane] Mom, were there a bunch of packages for me?
Liane: I don't think anyone's getting packages, sweetie. Look. [Cartman looks at the TV, at the strike against Amazon]
Tom: The Amazon Fulfillment Center has been shut down as hundreds of employees refuse to work. [Behind Tom, an Amazon employee marches behind him and then look into the camera, smiles and point at their signs. Another employee does the same thing. Stephen is behind them, keeping his head down and looking conflicted] Customers all over the state are wondering where their Amazon orders are, as workers demand more respect and more money. The uprising started with a workplace accident which Amazon blamed on human error. Joining me now is the victim of the accident - Josh Carter. [walks over to Josh, who is now a sentient package. He's been placed atop of a stool.] And Josh, how does it feel to have your accident spark so much upheaval?
Josh: You know, Tom, I think something like this was bound to happen. There's those at the top who control the means of production, and then there's the working class that enables those means by selling their labor power for wages. When there's conflict, the ruling class tries to blame the working class.
Tom: Can you get out of the box?
Josh: No, my organs have been compacted, so if the box opens, I spill out and die. I believe the working class needs to revolt against capitalism and bring about socioeconomic emancipation.
Tom: Do you get hot in the box?
Scene Description: Soth Park City Hall, day. Mayor McDaniels is making an Amazon purchase on her work iMac
Mayor McDanniels: [quietly talking to herself] Ship to address, order now... [receives this message] "Usually ships in..." [yells out in anger] four to six weeks?! I can make my own damn towels in four to six weeks! [a knock at the door, and Janson looks in]
Janson: Mayor, you have a visitor.
Mayor: Not now, I'm having problems!
Janson: [Nervously] But Mayor, it's uh, [whispers] Jeff Bezos.
Mayor: [voice rises] Founder and CEO of Amazon Jeff Bezos?
Janson: [whispers] Yeah.
Mayor: Okay, okay, uh, let him in.
Janson: Right on through here, Mr. Bezos. [Jeff Bezos enters. He has a long neck and a bald, veiny head, suggesting a brain so big blood vessels have to be outside the skull for it to fit. Bezos looks at Janson, and Janson leaves]
Mayor: [stands up from behind her desk] Mr. Bezos. How great to see you again! [Bezos just looks at her] How have you been?
Bezos: [telepathically] I wish I was doing better. Please Mayor, have a seat.
Mayor: Oh, thank you. [she sits in her chair, he takes a seat as well]
Mayor: I guess you're here because of the... strike.
Bezos: We had a deal, Mayor. You told me this town would be the perfect place for one of our fulfillment centers.
Mayor: And it has been. It it gave so many people jobs. [chuckles] And I'm not really sure why everyone is so...
Bezos: [moves his head ever so slightly] Disgruntled? Dissatisfied? Unamused? Would you like to know why Amazon is so successful? Because the customer is all that matters. Now orders are going unfulfilled all over the state of Colorado. [lowers eyebrows] That makes us look very bad. [raises his eyebrows] It makes YOU look very bad. Perhaps... you should no longer be a Prime member.
Mayor: [pleading] Please! I-I'm trying to get everyone back to work. I-I'm going to do everything that I can.
Bezos: Then we have an understanding. [gets up and heads for the door] Goodbye, Mayor. If everyone stays unfulfilled, [turns around and looks at the Mayor] it will be you who pays the price. [opens the door and leaves. The Mayor is left stunned]
Scene Description: A cloudy day. Cartman opens the door and looks out. No packages. A new montage begins, to the tune of Trey Parker's "Unfulfilled." Cartman goes back inside and closes the door. Mr. Tucker goes and checks his mailbox. No mail or packages. Sheila checks the status of her delivery. Her coffee maker has been delivered, but still en route. A tear runs down her cheek. Mr. Mackey looks outside his window as it starts to rain and sees a FedEx X truck. The driver looks back at him, then lowers his head to the steering wheel. No delivery for Mackey. Jimmy looks at the status of his delivery but finds that it's going to take a month to reach him. He cries at his desk. A smiling Randy goes outside to get his packages, but suddenly, they fade away, revealing that he got nothing and leaves him disappointed. Wendy walks by the kitchen at her home and sees her parents. Wendy's parents sit at the dining room table, looking depressed. No packages for them either. Wendy then looks down and walks away. The strikers put on their protest and hold up their signs, but Stephen's heart isn't in it. He stands still holding a "STAND UP/STRIKE" sign. Kenny opens his front door and checks for packages but finds none. Kyle looks out his front door and finds nothing. He closes his door. An aerial shot of the neighborhood shows no packages anywhere on the front steps of the houses. Ryan walks up to Sarah and thinks of putting his hand on her shoulder, but decides against it and leaves. The fulfillment center sits dark and silent. Officer Brown looks for packages at the front of the police station, but finds nothing. He then sadly closes the door.
Trey: Unfulfilled. And now tomorrow's nothing but another day. Somebody came and took my hopes and dreams away. and now I'm lost, and unfulfilled. Curtains close All we were a distant memory Somebody just bitch-slapped the smile right off of me. And here I am, so unfulfilled. The happiness I knew just got raped and killed. And all I am is unfulfilled. Nothing that I have seems like enough All I'm left to ask is, "Where's my stuff?" It's sitting somewhere, unfulfilled.
Scene Description: Last scene is in Cartman's room. Cartman, Stan, and Kyle wait. The door opens and Kenny walks in. The boys jump to meet him
Stan: Anything? Did you get anything?
Kenny: (No. Nothing.) [the other three sigh]
Cartman: I guess it's time to face it. We aren't going to get our stuff.
Stan: Maybe if we reorder everything and have it shipped to a different fulfillment center-
Kyle: There's no time. Let's face it. We can't be in the bike parade.
Stan: No! I refuse to believe we have no other options. Um, what...? What did we do before Amazon?
Kenny: (Well I don't know.)
Stan: I mean, before we could get whatever we wanted, where did we get stuff?
Cartman: At the... the ma-, the ma-ma-, the mall.
Kyle: Oh yeah! The mall!
Kenny: (The mall!)
Scene Description: South Park Mall, day. It sits abandoned and looks dilapidated. The earth has begun to reclaim it. Plants break through the asphalt in the parking lot. Inside, the building is dark and devoid of any lighting and covered with trash and plants. A rat runs around and waits on top of a plant. The doors open and the boys walk in, causing the rat to scurry off.
Cartman: Guess we haven't been to the mall in a while. [as they walk through the mall, Anita Baker's "Sweet Love" plays over the speakers.]
Anita Baker: Sweet Love hear me callin' out your name I feel no shame; I'm in love Oh no no no no no (Sweet Love)
Kyle: There's nobody here.
Stan: There's gotta be somebody.
Cartman: [notices something and points] Look! It's Wiener On A Stick. [a worker pops up behind the counter and hisses, then drops back down. The boys walk up to him]
Stan: Uh, hello?
Mall Worker 1: [pops back up] Welcome to Wiener On A Stick.
Kyle: Are you the only one still at the mall?
Mall Worker 1: There are many, and yet none. [other workers come out of the woodwork and hiss]
Scene Description: The Stotch house, day. Linda is at the sofa knitting while Butters reads Mystery Comics. The front door opens and Stephen enters
Linda: There he is! [drops her knitting and goes to Stephen]
Butters: Dad! [drops his comic book and goes to Stephen]
Linda: How did it go?
Stephen: [nervously looks down and holds cap in his hand] They voted to keep striking. There was a run-in, violence between some of the strikers and corporate. They've decided to punish us by taking our status. [turns and walks a few feet away from Linda and Butters] There's no easy way to say this, so I'll... just come out with is then. We're... not Amazon Prime members anymore.
Linda: Then what are we?
Stephen: [turns to face his family] Everyone involved in the strike has been dropped down one level from Prime. We're... we're now Amazon USDA Choice.
Linda: [covers her mouth as she starts to tear up] That's... fine. We'll be USDA Choice. It's, it's almost as good as Prime.
Stephen: [walks up to her and puts his hand on her shoulder] You're a good woman for saying that. But you're a bitch because it's a lie and you're patronizing me. [goes upstairs]
Butters: Mom, eh if I win the first prize in the bike parade, I'll give the money to you guys.
Scene Description: Stotch residence.The master bedroom, later. Stephen is at his computer, praying
Stephen: Please... I don't know what else to do. My family is all that matters to me. [becomes emotional and starts to tear up] I made a promise to provide for them. What if we never get what we're asking for from the strike? [he's being observed through a hidden camera, on Alexa View] What if they just get others to do all the boxing for us?
Scene Description: At Amazon HQ, in a purple, alien-like room, Mayor McDaniels looks at the screen with Jeff Bezos
Bezos: See how the worker begins to question his determination? Without his Amazon Prime Status, he fluctuates between being and non-being.
Stephen: My family has to come first.
Bezos: Now... torn between memberships, the consumer-worker will reason that the strike is pointless. Prepare a bus. We must make sure that boxers who wish to box have a safe way into the fulfillment center.
Scene Description: South Park Mall, exterior, day
Scene Description: South Park Mall, interior. The boys are still in the abandoned mall as more mall workers emerge from their hiding spots and look at the boys in curiosity
Kyle: I think maybe it was a bad idea to come here, you guys.
Mall Worker 2: Why have you come to this place?
Stan: We came because... we need... stuff.
Mall Worker 3: [emerges from behind a large planter] Do you seek cosmetics? [holds up some make-up brushes]
Mall Worker 4: [emerges from behind a food court trash can] Do you need puppies? [holds up two puppies wearing bow ties in his arms]
Mall Worker 5: [comes up behind Stan] Sample of lotion?
Stan: What??
Mall Worker 5: [lifts up Stan's arm and sprays some onto it] Why, it's lemongrass lavender.
Stan: No! [the worker hisses and goes back into the shadows] No, no, look. We need very specific stuff. There's a big bike parade on Saturday.
Scene Description: In front of Auntie Jen's, a Cinnaroll and Gamestop employee are excited about the bike parade and talk over each other
Cinnaroll employee: Ohhh! Bike parade?
Hobby employee: Bike parade?
Gamestop employee: Ohh!
Scene Description: In front of City Express, Wayne D and a Build-A-Bear employee also show their excitement
Wayne D: Ohhh! Bike parade!
Build-A-Bear Workshop employee: [garbled] That's nice!
Kyle: Yeah. And the four of us are actually doing a group theme.
Cartman: [steps forward] The changing faces of immigrants in America as told through bicycles.
Mall Worker 6: So... do you need... SHOES? [holds a couple of shoe boxes]
Stan: [turns to face the mall worker] Yeah. Uh, color-coded specific shoes in four specific sizes.
Mall Workers: Aww!
Stan: What?
Mall Worker 1: [pops his head out from behind the counter.] We do not have the inventory that online wholesalers can provide. [hisses and hides again]
Cartman: This is a waste of time, you guys.
Kenny: (Yeah. Shit, let's get the fuck out of here.)
Mall Worker 7: [emerges from behind a planter holding up a skirt on a hanger] Please! You are the only customers we've had the pleasure of assisting since the fulfillment center opened.
Stan: H-Hold on a minute. You all stay here 'cause you want to work?
Mall Worker 6: It is... our purpose.
Mall Workers: Our purpose.
Mall Worker 4: Our purpose.
Stan: Wait a minute. You guys... I think I have an idea.
Scene Description: Amazon Fulfillment Center, day. An overhead view of the parking lot as the strikers and a group of counter protesters are gathered for another day. Both groups are being corralled by police officers.
Tom: [off screen] A bus with employees wishing to return to work is about to arrive here at the fulfillment center,[the Amazon employees are yelling and holding up signs while the police officers are trying to keep them behind the barriers] and the strikers are not happy. Also, dozens of Amazon customers have shown up.[a large group of counter protesters hold up signs demanding the workers get back to their jobs and deliver their packages are being held back by the police] Angry customers who wish to be fulfilled.
Customers: We want our stuff! We want our stuff!
Tom: The customers say the boxers need to return to work because the shutdown is hurting everyone. [Randy is standing next to him]
Randy: I have a weed business to run! I need my shit from Amazon to make it all work!
Josh: At what cost, sir?! Do you care that personal worth is being reduced by capitalists to exchange value?!
Randy: Oh yeah, that's typical rhetoric from a Marxist box.
Josh: Free trade is not free-dom! Perhaps socialism IS the answer!
Tom: If you pay for shipping, can you go anywhere you want?
Stuart: [pointing] Here comes the bus!
Strikers: [all turn to face the bus. Stephen is the only passenger in it, looking mighty lonely] Scabs! Scabs! Scabs! Scabs! Scabs! Scabs! Scabs! Scabs! Scabs! Scabs! Scabs! Scabs!
Stuart: Hey, it's Stotch! [the bus stops]
Gruff Worker: Ya can't do it, Stotch! Ya damned us all!
Stephen: [lowers a window] Don't you understand? It's not about me! It's my son!
Gruff Worker: If those orders get fulfilled, then we got nothin'!
Stephen: He's just a kid! He wants to be in the bike parade!
Gruff Worker: My son's in the bike parade too! [his voice begins to crack] He's got... little tassels off the back of his seat. Tiny flags stickin' out the handlebars. But he deserves more, Stotch! If we don't make our stand now, he doesn't have a chance. He'll get fookin' third or fourth place or just a fookin' participation ribbon!
Stephen: [emotional] I'm sorry. [the bus moves forward again]
Gruff Worker: Stotch!
Scene Description: The fulfillment center, inside. Stephen gets to work doing all the fulfillments himself. Mayor McDaniels and Jeff Bezos look on from a catwalk above the factory floor
Bezos: It is... not as I expected. Only one consumer worker broke through the picket lines. Your townspeople are more stubborn than I thought.
Mayor: They're... prideful people, yes.
Bezos: Perhaps I should give up. How I long to return to Bezos and touch butts with my wife. [the factory phone rings and he answers it] Amazon Fulfillment Center.
Scene Description: South Park Mall, exterior. The boys are in the parking lot outside the mall. Stan is on his phone and somehow, Bezos' telepathy reaches Stan's ears
Stan: Uh yeah, hi. We ordered a bunch of stuff and we haven't gotten it.
Bezos: [frustrated] Yes, yes, the workers are striking. We're fucking working on it!
Stan: No, that's actually why we're calling. We know a whole bunch of people who can come work for you.
Bezos: [his eyes widen as he thinks a moment] Is that so? Now those fools will pay!
Stan: What fools will pay?
Bezos: Uh no, sorry, um... you say you have worker-consumers? willing to box?
Stan: Yeah, but listen: we want our stuff! We ordered a bunch of shit for the bike parade, and if we get you workers, we want them to deliver our stuff first!
Bezos: Very well. Stay right where you are. [hangs up, goes back to the Mayor, and stares at her for a few seconds] You didn't tell me there was a bike parade.
Mayor: I didn't think it was relevant.
Bezos: Everything is relevant when it comes to customers. [goes to Alexa View and waves his hand across the screen. Butters is shown working on his bike again]
Scene Description: Dramatic music begins as Bezos smiles after looking at the Alexa View. Josh begins his speech off screen.
Josh: The history of this world...
Scene Description: A panning shot of the employees yelling and protesting outside the fulfillment center.
Josh: is the history of class struggles.
Scene Description: A panning shot of the customers yelling and holding up their signs outside the fulfillment center
Josh: Alienated from the products of their labor...
Scene Description: Stotch Residence, garage. Butters is working on his bike, looking at his bike spokes.
Josh: from their fellow laborers and from their very essence.
Scene Description: Zewiski Residence, garage. Larry is adding more flags to his bike while Mercedes and Porsche admire him from outside.
Josh: The oppressed worker will eventually strike back at those capitalists who control the means of production.
Scene Description: South Park Mall, interior. The four boys go back inside the mall. The mall workers emerge as the light from outside hits them
Josh: We have nothing to lose but our chains.
Scene Description: Crunchy's Microbrew, interior. The strikers are standing and paying attention
Josh: We will unite in revolution.
Gruff Worker: And if others try to break through the picket line?
Josh: [a box on a stool] Nothing else can be allowed into the fulfillment center, no matter what the cost.
Skeeter: We're ready to follow you, Josh.
Josh: Then follow me to Hell.


Scene Description: Kyle's bed, sunrise. Kyle is still in bed when his alarm goes off. he wakes up and jumps off his bed, grabs his phone, and runs downstairs. Bright music plays. Ike peeks out from his room and sees Kyle run by. Kyle opens the front door and sees all the Amazon stuff he had purchased and was waiting for. He breaks out into a grin
Kyle: Yehehes! Yeessss!
Gerald: [comes out from the kitchen] What is it, Kyle?
Kyle: I got fulfilled! It's all the stuff I ordered for the bike parade. [his phone rings and he answers it] Yeah?
Scene Description: Cartman Residence, living room. Eric is excited as he is surrounded by his Amazon packages and talks to Kyle on his Iphone
Cartman: Kyle, did you get your stuff?! I got my stuff! Yeah, dude! [grabs one of his packages and holds it] Stan and Kenny got their stuff too! Bring it all over to my house! We gotta get ready for the bike parade!
Scene Description: Broflofski residence, living room. Kyle runs back inside with one of packages
Gerald: Hey, were my boxes there too?
Kyle: No, Dad. These were special deliveries from Jeff Bezos. We helped Amazon with their strike, and he had our orders shipped.
Gerald: Jeff Bezos? The founder and CEO of Amazon?
Scene Description: A close up of the Amazon Echo in the living room is shown while Kyle talks to Gerald
Kyle: [giggles] Yeah. We helped him find workers to work during the strike.
Scene Description: Remote location. Jeff Bezos is shown eavesdropping on their conversation as well as several others on some dated hi-fi equipment. The conversations are heard through the massive headphones he is wearing.
Kyle: So he found our orders and had them sent to us.
Gerald: Well, can he find my packages too? [Static noise is heard as Bezos begins to turn the dial to another frequency]
Woman 1: No, I know. They said the workers are still on strike. They don't know when our orders- [turns the dial]
Man 1: Alexa, can I have my stuff shipped from a different ful-? [turns the dial]
Man 2: No, that's a bad dog, Banjo! Bad dog! [turns the dial]
Woman 2: [moaning] Oh, yes. Oh, oh, o- [turns the dial]
Stuart: Jeff Bezos?! [Bezos stops and listens in intently] Are you freakin' kiddin' me?! Why is Jeff Bezos sending you packages?
Scene Description: McCormick residence, living room. A close up of their Amazon Echo Dot is shown while Stuart continues to berate Kenny in the background. Carol and Karen McCormick are standing behind Stuart and observing. The camera eventually focuses on Kenny and Stuart
Stuart: Do you even care there's a strike going on?!
Kenny: (No, Dad. These are all for the bike parade.)
Stuart: Bike parade?! You dad is part of the strike, you little shit! [Kenny opens a box and gives Stuart the finger] This whole town is suffering because of Amazon and you're out worrying about a bike parade! [Kenny pulls out a small Statue of Liberty.]
Scene Description: Tegridy Farms, day. Randy and Sharon are in the kitchen. Sharon is sitting at the dinner table and rests her head on her right hand as Randy rants and paces back and forth.
Randy: I can't even believe you would say that, Sharon!
Sharon: Randy, it's time to face it. Your weed farm idea didn't work. You barely sell to two people a day.
Randy: It's the stupid Amazon strike! I rely on things for marketing, Sharon! A small business needs products for exposure, and until those assholes go back to work, small businesses are gonna suffer! [someone knocks on the front door.]
Man 3: [Randy looks over] Ex-excuse me. Could I buy some weed?
Randy: [leaves the kitchen for the front door] Aw yeah yeah, Of course.
Scene Description: Tegridy Farms, living room. Randy walks in and goes to the coffee table which has some bottles and a fanny pack that he picks up. Towlie is sitting on the couch reading a magazine.
Randy: Out early today, huh? [arrives at the door and rummages through the fanny pack]
Man 3: Yeah it's this stupid Amazon strike. None of my orders are getting fulfilled, and I just need something to take the edge off.
Randy: Yeah, tell me about it.
Man 4: [appearing at the farm's entrance] Hey, are you selling weed?
Randy: Uh, yeah.
Man 4: [arrives at the door as man 3 leaves] My wife is going nuts not getting her packages. I told her I'd find her some kush.
Randy: [walks back to the table to pick up more weed] Yeah, the Amazon strike really sucks. [a truck full of strikers pulls up]
Driver: [gets out with his sign] Hey man, we're about to go spend a day in the picket line. Can you sell us some weed?
Randy: You're strikers?
Man 4: [turns around to face the driver] Well why don't you guys get back to work so we can get our packages?
Driver: [points at him] Hey, fuck you buddy!
Randy: Okay, okay, hold on. Uh, let me got some more weed. [notices more people driving up and walking to his door] Huh.
Scene Description: Amazon Fulfillment Center, day. The strike continues and local media is covering it
Tom: [off screen] It's Day 5 of the Amazon Fulfillment Center strike. [The police are shown trying to keep the strikers corralled] Nothing has been resolved, and there is ever-mounting tension between the striking Amazon workers [a close up of the strikers] and the people who want their stuff. [a close up of the townspeople demanding their stuff]
Scene Description: News Studio. Tom is sitting at the news desk and continues his report.
Tom: Josh Carter is an Amazon employee who suffered a horrific workplace accident. In order to drum up support for the strike, he's recently FedExed himself to Washington. [Josh is on top of a stool with the White House behind him] How are things going, Josh?
Josh: They're going well, Tom. Thank you. You know, what happened to me could happen to any worker at a fulfillment center. I'm speaking to Congress here and then heading back to Colorado tomorrow via UPS.
Tom: Meanwhile, Amazon says it's training new workers to replace the strikers. However, because the workers previously worked at a mall, they've had no human contact for quite some time.
Scene Description: Amazon Fulfillment Center, day. Stephen briefs the new workers on the center's operations
Stephen: Welcome to the fulfillment center. I'm your floor manager, Stephen Stotch. [the new employees hiss and growl back.] Being a fulfilled isn't hard. Uh, you just follow a few basic steps. [Mall Worker 1 rises up and hisses, then drops back down behind a lift] You start by getting an order on your fulfillment device. [taps on his device] Uh, it's order 6503. Mrs. Sandy Milner wants a Luminart coffee grinder. So you send that order to the first available transaction robot. [drives the robot left out of a parking spot] Okay, the robot will locate the grinder and bring it to the packing area. [The robot stops and drops tee coffee maker onto a conveyor which is being manned by Mall Worker 7. she watches it roll by, and it reaches the mall worker at the end of the belt] Now, put the coffee grinder in the box to fulfill the order. [the worker makes a move but stops himself] Go on. Put it in. [the worker grabs the grinder, stands up, and put it in the box.]
Mall Worker 8: This isn't very fulfilling.
Stephen: Sure it is. You just gotta get into it, okay? That's one order down, we have [taps his device] 12,400 more to go. [more hissing from the new hires]
Scene Description: Tegridy Farms, day. Business has picked up at Randy's place as indicated by a long line of customers. Randy is now selling from a stand with Towlie helping him out
Randy: [speaking with an accent] All right, there you go, friend. That's an ounce of weed, and thanks for supportin' small business. Next?
Man 5: Hey, could you sell me more than an ounce?
Randy: Sorry friend, that's the law. Us simple farmin' folk respect the law and each other.
Man 5: No, it's fine. I'll just go over to the Anderson Weed Farm and buy more there.
Randy: [looks over to the Anderson Weed Farm, which has a no-limit purchase sign on its stand. He then drops his accent] Well don't buy weed from them. Their weed sucks.
Man 5: It's a long way to drive out here. Need to make it worth my while. [leaves]
Scene Description: The barn, later. Randy paces the floor there looking concerned, while Towlie is seated on top of the table, stoned. Both have a joint in their hand.
Randy: Shit! This whole Amazon strike has more people smoking weed than ever. We have to make sure Tegridy Weed stays ahead of the competition!
Towelie: [takes a puff] We need to find a way to get the weed to the people.
Randy: Yeah, like a, like a delivery service. Some way so people don't have to drive out here and even see the other weed farms!
Towelie: You know what they got? They got these e-scooters nowadays.
Randy: You mean the things that almost killed us all on Halloween? Yeah, I 'member. [takes a puff from his joint]
Towelie: What if we use e-scooters to get the weed directly to the customers?
Randy: Oh shit. We could have Tegridy all over town.
Scene Description: The Stotch house, after sunset. Stephen arrives home with his head down. He heads inside and is surprised to see a lot of Amazon boxes in the living room
Stephen: What the-?
Linda: Stephen! Stephen! It's a miracle! [she gives him a hug]
Stephen: I don't understand.
Butters: [pulls out a gold covered bicycle by its handle from a box] Look Dad, a whole new bicycle! I'll win the bike parade for sure!
Linda: You must have gotten our Prime membership back!
Stephen: I guess I did. The bigwigs promoted me to manager. I'm been training new employees. [A close up of their Amazon Echo is shown]
Scene Description: Remote location. Jeff Bezos is shown eavesdropping again. The conversations are heard through the massive headphones he is wearing.
Stephen: When did all this stuff arrive?
Linda: It just came a few hours ago. [Bezos turns the dial while some static noise is heard] Oh Stephen, you did it!
Scene Description: The remote location. Bezos smiles as he takes his headphones off and get up. Mayor McDaniels is revealed to be the same room and he approaches her.
Bezos: Your townspeople are beginning to learn that cooperation is rewarded by fulfillment. Now there's only one true enemy who stands in our way. Tonight he's giving a talk on Marxist theory.
Scene Description: The talk, evening. An audience filled studio with Josh, in a box, on a pedestal with a glass of water on a stool nearby.
Josh: How is the common worker kept submissive? By the institutions and the ideology of the bourgeoisie. We only ask for compassion, for a fair share of the fruits of our labors. [Kenny, sitting next to Stuart, is bored and sighs]
Scene Description: Larry's driveway, day. Larry is showing off his bike to three girls, one of them is Sally Darson
Larry: Yeah, it's this Saturday. Everyone's gonna watch. You girls should come check it out. Yeah, it's gonna be a pretty nice bike parade, I suppose.
Butters: [riding up] Hey, Larry. [his gold and diamond encrusted pentacycle is quite blinged out, and he wears a matching crown] You gettin' excited for the bike parade? [Larry and the girls are stunned] Yeah, I guess I'm lookin' forward to it.
Girl: Wow.
Butters: I guess my bike could be in the bike parade. I... I hadn't really thought about it.
Larry: Uh, y-you girls check out the flag on the back of my bike? They, they're silk.
Butters: Oh yeah. [presses a button on the handlebars and busts out the peacock feathers, complete with the shake at the end for maximum spread.] I'll see you there, Larry. Later, girls. [turns the bike around and rides away while pressing his bike horn. The girls look at Larry, who is smiling nervously at them and they walk away.]
Sally: [disappointed, walks away] Hmph!
Butters: [riding along on the street] Yippie! [he passes Towelie, who is on an e-scooter on the sidewalk]
Scene Description: The Valmer house, moments later. Towelie stops there and knocks on the door. Ryan and Sarah sit on the sofa with nothing to do
Ryan: Amazon Boxes?! [gets up to check]
Sarah: [sits up] It might be!
Ryan: [opens the door] Yes! [sees no boxes, but looks down] Oh.
Towelie: Hello, sir. I have your weed delivery.
Ryan: My what?
Sarah: [squeezes by] Oh, that's mine.
Towelie: There you are, ma'am. [hands her a small bottle of weed] Enjoy your Tegridy.
Ryan: You got a-? Are, are we splitting that?
Sarah: Get your own. [goes back inside]
Ryan: Do you have more?
Towelie: We're here to please the customer! [hands him one as well]
Scene Description: Cartman's driveway, day. Triumphant music plays as the boys' project is almost finished. It looks like a plane, with four cockpits - a central one, two side ones, and a front one. Cutouts of all the world's cultures are taped to the connecting rod and wings. It's magnificent
Stan: Dude, we did it.
Kyle: They look amazing.
Cartman: There's no way we can't win, you guys. We are going to kill at the bike parade. We finally did it. We worked together, we overcame adversity, and everything is finally gonna be cool again.
Kyle: [notices Kenny arriving] All right, Kenny's here. [to Kenny] Come on, dude. We're gonna take 'em for a test spin.
Kenny: (Guys, listen to me. I'm not gonna do the bike parade.)
Stan: You're not gonna do the bike parade?
Kyle: Well why not?
Kenny: (It's complicated. I talked to my father and he says it's all a bunch of commodity fetishism.)
Stan: Commodity fetishism?
Kenny: (Yes, it's stupid, but I'm out.) [turns and walks away]
Kyle: Kenny, you can't quit now! We have a four-bike theme!
Cartman: Yeah, how do we do the changing face of immigrants in America without the Philippines?!
Kenny: (I can't do it, guys! I quit.) [walks off]
Cartman: [panicking, grabs Kenny and pull him back] Kenny, no! You can't do this! We've worked so hard, and we've come so close! Oh my G- Oh my God! My anxiety! My anxiety is going off, you guys!
Stan: Come on, Kenny, don't be a dick!
Kenny: (You guys don't understand! My dad is one of the strikers!) [walks away]
Cartman: [gives chase, but then stops and begins to hyperventilate] Oh my God! We did so much! We went through all this and he just quits?! That's it! That's it! I'm gonna shoot up the skewl!
Stan: [calmly, quietly] Don't shoot up the school.
Cartman: No, 'cause it's not fair! You work your ass off for nothing, and now my anxiety's back, and I'm gonna shoot up the skeewwwwl!
Scene Description: Amazon Fulfillment Center, morning. The strike continues.
Burly Worker: Here come the temp workers! Scabs!
Strikers: Scabs! Scabs! Scabs! Scabs! Scabs! [this is repeated over and over. The mall workers in the bus just hiss and growl.]
Stephen: [seated now with Gerald] Yeah, it's not always easy being a fulfiller, but I think, eventually, you'll find it's a rewarding job.
Gerald: I don't really care. I just want my stuff. If I have to work at Amazon to get my packages, then so be it.
Stuart: [among the strikers, he tries to run and catch up with the bus] Stotch! Hey Stotch! [the bus stops.]
Stephen: [Annoyed] What do you want, Stuart?
Stuart: I just thought you'd want to know the kind of people you're sellin' out for.
Stephen: What are you talking about?
Stuart: It's Josh, man! He's gone missing! [Stephen is stunned at the revelation]
Scene Description: Kyle's garage, day. The project has been dismantled and the boys have taken their pieces and gone home. Kyle, looking very depressed, has taken his bike apart and is repainting it. Stan walks his bike up to Kyle's driveway.
Stan: How's it going?
Kyle: How's it look like it's going? There's no way we're going to win this stupid bike parade!
Stan: Our bikes aren't so bad.
Kyle: [comes out to the driveway] Face it Stan! Our bikes suck! We're gonna lose! We're gonna be the laughingstock of the whole thing!
Cartman: Kyle's right. [the boys turn and see Cartman with his bike and looking down] I already bragged to everyone we were gonna beat them like bitches at the bike parade. We're gonna look like total douchebags. [he moves up closer to where Stan and Kyle are]
Stan: I thought the four of us were unstoppable.
Cartman: We are. It's just Kenny fucked us again.
Kyle: I wish there never was a bike parade.
Cartman: Yeah. Hey. What if there wasn't?
Stan: What?
Cartman: What if the bike parade got cancelled? We're never gonna win the bike parade, but if we get cancelled, then everybody loses.
Stan: How do we get the bike parade cancelled?
Cartman: How do you get anything cancelled? You bitch about it being insensitive!
Stan: Hey, yeah. We can go to the Mayor and force her to cancel it.
Kyle: What's offensive about a bike parade?
Cartman: "What's offensive about a bike parade?" Kyle, you small-minded piece of shit! We should cancel you just for saying that.
Kyle: Oh, I get it.
Stan: Yeah!
All four: Yeah!
Cartman: Everybody loses, you guys!
Scene Description: An empty warehouse, day. Josh sits on a chair all alone, until Jeff walks in with the Mayor. He has a smug look on his face.
Bezos: Do you know who I am?
Josh: [nervously] Yeah. You're Jeff Bezos.
Bezos: And you are Josh, former Amazon employee who suffered a workplace accident. You were wrongly packaged into a box, and now, if anyone tries to open it, your insides will burst apart. So you seek revenge.
Josh: This isn't about revenge, Bezos. It's about the production of too many useful things resulting in too many useless people!
Bezos: See how the box ridicules commercialism in order to try and feel better about itself.
Josh: Damn you! You made everything nice and convenient, didn't you, Bezos?! But humans are more than consumers!
Bezos: That's very eloquent... for a box- [walks towards the entrance doors] A box that is the last thing standing in the way of real economic progress for this town.
Josh: [whispers] What are you gonna do to me?
Bezos: I'm not going to do anything to you. Alexa, go ahead. Sent them in.
Alexa: Okay. [the doors open and a bunch of kids walks in, chatting away]
Bezos: Hello, children. Uncle Jeff has a surprise for you! Who wants a special present for the bike parade?!
Kids: Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me!...
Josh: Oh my God...
Bezos: Whoever opens the box gets what's inside! [the kids run to the box]
Josh: [panicking] No! No, don't give in to your consumerism, kids! [the kids grab the box and fight over it as Jeff screams a few times] NO! [screams some more. Mayor McDaniels turns around to avoid seeing the inevitable, while Bezos continues to smile as he watches Josh's suffering. One of the kids eventually takes hold of the tattered box]
Boy: It's mine! It's mine! I got it! I get it! [opens the box and gets Josh's blood and guts all over himself. The other kids get splattered as well]
Bezos: Heheh. [the Mayor finally looks]
Scene Description: Larry's house, day. He's in the dining room talking to someone
Larry: Every year, I win the bike parade. It's the one thing I care about. Now there's kids out there who have better bikes than me because you won't get off your ass and work, Dad!
Mr. Zewiski: [the gruff worker] Larry, I want to! But I'd be a no-good traitor! Can't you understand?! [his wife stands by the front door]
Larry: All I understand is that you suck! [turns and runs off. Mr. Zewiski gets up and heads for the front door]
Mrs. Zewiski: Where are you going?
Mr. Zewiski: Son's right. Picket line or not, I'm gonna cross it, right now! [opens the door and finds Towelie at his doorstep]
Towelie: Hello, sir. I have your weed delivery.
Mr. Zewiski: Oh, my weed. Forgot I ordered that.
Randy: [scootin' by. He is wearing a helmet with a large "BUY TEGRIDY WEED" sign on top] Oh hey, listen! We have an app now! You can keep track of your orders and get your Tegridy delivered even faster. [his phone dings] Oop. There's an order now. [scoots away]
Scene Description: Downtown South Park, day. The boys walk through the commercial district. Many of the businesses that they pass by have a "Closed" or "Out of Business" sign.
Stan: First thing we've gotta do to get the bike parade cancelled is raise awareness.
Cartman: Yeah. We're gonna need poster boards, markers, and lots of glitter and glue.
Kyle: I can't believe Kenny bailed on us just because he thinks Jeff Bezos is a bad guy.
Cartman: Yeah, how can somebody who gives you whatever you want be a bad guy? [Stan walks up to a storefront and knocks on the door, then looks back at the other boys] It's locked. [knocks again]
Richard: [walks up with his wife] They're closed. We're all closed. Our coffee shop - everything.
Cartman: But we're outraged about something. We need glitter and glue.
Richard: Yeah. Well, when the Amazon Fulfillment Center opened, everything else went out of business.
Mayor: [off screen] I let it happen. [the boys and the Tweeks turn to look. The mayor is now seated on a bench nearby with her hands clasped] I thought the fulfillment center would be nothing but great for the town. Instead it's... it's buried us.
Man 5: But it's Christmas. It's Christmas and we've no presents, no decorations. And there's no one who can help us. [the sound of sleigh bells breaks the gloom]
Man 6: [points] Look!
Santa: [On his sleigh, with his eight reindeer] Ho ho ho ho!
Man 7: It's Santa! [Santa comes back around and lands on the street. Everyone cheers]
Woman 3: It's a miracle!
Santa: [gets out of his sleigh] I heard some people here might need a little Christmas magic.
Stan: We sure do, Santa!
Man 8: It's only a couple of weeks until Christmas, and we don't have any presents!
Santa: Well, that's no problem for the hometown of my favorite holiday poo! Where is Mr. Hankey? [everyone's smiles disappear] Where is that old bundle of Christmas cheer?
Mayor: We... We had to get rid of Mr. Hankey.
Santa: Got rid of him?
Mackey: Uh, Mr. Hankey did somethin' bad, and we were forced to make him uh... leave. Forever.
Santa: Jesus, what did he do? Fuck a kid?
Mayor: No. He um.. he tweeted some uh... inappropriate things.
Santa: [cynically] "He tweeted some inappropriate things?" [silence] Oh, you bunch of fuckin'- I'm getting back in my sleigh now. [goes back in]
Stan: Nononono! Wait wait wait, please!
Santa: Merry Christmas! Have fun sucking Jeff Bezos' dick, you bunch of cunts! [rides off as the townspeople are shocked]
Scene Description: The Stotch home, exterior, night. "Silent Night" is heard.
Singer: Christ, the savior, is born...
Scene Description: Stotch residence, living room. A panning shot from the Christmas tree to Stephen sits on the sofa all alone and looking depressed
DJ: Continuing with non-stop holiday music. Here's a song from that hot new group, The PC Babies. It's a song about how the idea of Mrs. Claus perpetuates female stereotypes. It's called, "Jingle All The Waahhhh." [Christmas themed jazz music plays as the sound of babies crying starts up. Stephen buries his face in his hands]
Butters: [walks up and stands next to the Christmas tree] Hey Dad? I don't need anything more. I mean, if I don't win that bike parade, I don't care. I have you guys, and... that's more important than a bike parade will ever be.
Stephen: No it isn't, Butters. I want to quit working for Amazon. I want to quit working for Amazon. I want to join my friends in striking but... I know that you have to have your stuff to be happy.
Butters: No I don't Dad.
Stephen: [stands up] You need your Amazon Prime shows and your music and your books. and your things delivered to your door like little presents to yourself that make you feel satisfied. I can live without those things, but you... can't. [turns away and goes to the front door] That's why I'm gonna continue working at Amazon. For you! [opens the front door and sees Towelie there.]
Towelie: [sounding stoned] Hello, sir. I'm with the Tegridy Weed Company. We're just makin' sure folks are aware of our new rewards program.
Stephen: What?
Towelie: We now have three levels of membership for our weed. There's Tegridy, Tegridy Plus, and Tegridy Elite. But you don't want to be elite, 'cause elite's got no Tegridy. [Stephen mulls this over]
Scene Description: A bridge over a lake near town, day. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman lean over the top of it looking over the water
Cartman: It's just such bullcrap, you guys.
Kyle: Such bullcrap.
Cartman: How come everything out there is getting cancelled, but when it comes to us, we just can't do it?
Stan: I mean, are we supposed to just keep going? Just go on, making total asses of ourselves?
Kyle: [turns away from the bridge, followed by Stan and Cartman] No. No! The problem is that when it comes to outrage, your average person actually doesn't give a shit, unless it has something to do with them.
Cartman: [walks up next to Kyle] That's right. we've been selfish. We can't get the parade cancelled for us. We have to do it for all the other people who want it cancelled, but their voices aren't being heard!
Stan: [walks up next to Kyle] Yeah! What? Did we think this was a fucking joke? The bike parade is offensive, and the government thinks they can just force it on everyone!
Cartman: Come on! I'm actually pissed off now! [they walk off]
Scene Description: City Hall, day. The three boys walk up to the building and burst into the Mayor's office.
Stan: Mayor, we demand you cancel this bike parade!
Cartman: It is nihilistic and out of touch with progressive thinking! [the executive armchair turns around to reveal Jeff Bezos, with a smug look. He puts his feet up and communicates telepathically]
Bezos: What's the matter? Afraid you wouldn't win?
Stan: It's him.
Bezos: The bike parade was quite useful to me. You see, people will do anything to have fulfillment. They finally realized the only way to get it would be to all work for the fulfillment center.
Cartman: Who would use the bike parade like some $20 hooker?
Kyle: Kenny was right about you. You're a bad guy!
Bezos: Oh, you mean your little socialist friend? Yes, he's starting to rattle his sword now, too. Alexa, kill Kenny.
Alexa: Okay. I'll kill Kenny for you.
Stan: [raises his arms] No!
Kyle: Why are you doing this?!
Bezos: [gets up and walks around the boys] Don't you see I'm trying to help? Before, there was war between classes, customers and workers at odds. All I've done is create the new class: the consumer-worker. The future. Right now your parents, your teachers, everyone you know are showing up to work at the fulfillment center, and I'm afraid you are all going to lose the bike parade.
Randy: [from the ground below] Bezos! Bezos!
Crowd: [from the ground below] Bezos! Bezos! Bezos! [Bezos opens the windows and is surprised to see the large crowd below. The camera pans across the scene, as the townspeople stand in unity, with their arms on their neighbors' back. Randy then takes a step forward]
Randy: Hello Bezos! You can take your fulfillment center and fulfill it right up your ass! See, there's one thing you didn't count on, and that's Tegridy! Just look in the eyes of these people! [a close-up look shows a lot of bloodshot eyes] Everyone has Tegridy now! Tegridy that you will never understand! We aren't just different classes of people anymore, we are a town!
Bezos: [annoyed] Are you all high?
Crowd: [shifting their eyes around] No, no...
Randy: Why do you ask that?
Bezos: Because I'm over here!
Randy: Oh. Hang on. [notices where Bezos is and walks towards the window. Everyone has been facing left of City Hall] Hold on. Okay, I got it. Anyways... you see, Tegridy is something that can't be understood by big corporations! Oh, they'll try to package Tegridy, but only I can really package Tegridy. I got more money now 'cause of Tegridy, and that's 'cause I figured out how to get Tegridy to everyone. And that's- now everyone is in their state of Tegridy that's impenetrable. Am I making sense?
Bezos: NO!
Randy: The point is, nobody's comin' to work for you! So you can take your whole plan and fulfill it somewhere else! [the crowd cheers "Yeah!"]
Bezos: [raises his arms to the sky] Damn you, Tegridy! [upbeat music starts]
Scene Description: The montage finale, with a reprise of "Colorado Farm". Mayor McDaniels cuts the ribbon to commence the bike parade. Among the kids at the front of the parade are Wendy, Heidi, Henrietta, Pete, Craig, and Jimmy. The children begin to ride through a residential area, while their parents and other residents including Dr. Mephesto and Mr. Mackey watch...and appear to be stoned.
Singers: Ice-cold beer, down-home days country music and bike parades We got Tegridy all around (round, round) That's life livin' in our Colorado town. [a shot of the PC babies crying as a stoned Strong Woman holds one of them up in her arms]
Stan: I guess they are offensive. [Kyle laughs]
Scene Description: As the parade continues through town, Big Gay Al and Mr. Slave can be seen getting high while grilling. The mall workers are on a driveway and waving. More kids including Michael and Bebe can be seen. Cartman is shown with Kenny's coffin attached to his bike, draped with the banner, "Remember Kenny". The group eventually goes in front of the Stotch residence, where Linda and Stephen are sitting and stoned.
Singers: We don't need nothing from big corporations We don't need progress or fancy educations Maybe our tegridy keepw us down (down, down) But that's life livin' in our Colorado town.
Butters: Hey, Mom. Hi Dad.
Stephen: [Waves to him as he passes by] Sure are, Butters.
Scene Description: The parade continues onto the Park County Police Station, where Sargent Yates and uniformed officers can be seen smoking a joint and passing it. Mr. Adams and President Garrison are also there and watch. It continues on past the church and back to a residential area where Jimbo gives a badly injured Ned a hit of his weed.
Singers: Now we gotta learn to live without boxes every day We might wake up tomorrow and wonder why they went away [President Garrison, in cuffs, waves at the participants] Guess you might call us a bunch of white trash hicks (hicks, hicks) [even Father Maxi is smoking a joint] But at least we ain't suckin' no Bezosian dicks.
Scene Description: An overhead shot of the parade continuing through a residential area is shown, followed by an image of a jar of Tegridy Weed at the center of the screen
Announcer: Tegridy Weed. Comin' soon to a giant online retailer near you.