Scene Description: Bus stop, day. The four boys stand at the bus stop waiting for the bus. Each of them wears a gas mask. The boys are silent.
Kyle: ...Remember when life used to be simple and cool?
Cartman: ...Not really.
Butters: [runs up] Uh, hey! [The boys jump, startled] How's it goin', fellas?
Stan: Butters, what the hell are you doing?
Butters: Huh, well, I'm just standin' around bein' a kid. Why? How come you're all wearing those spooky spaceman masks?
Kyle: These are gas masks, Butters!
Stan: Yeah! If you don't have a gas mask, you're gonna get smallpox or anthrax!
Butters: What?! [frightened] Oh, Jesus! I don't wanna get the 'thrax, fellas! Uh, what do I do?
Stan: There's nothing you can do except stop breathing.
Butters: Stop breathin'?
Kyle: Yeah, you can't get it if you don't breathe.
Butters: Well. Alright, then. [takes in a big gulp of air and holds his breath hard. His head goes cock-eyed. A few seconds later, the bus pulls up. The kids on the bus and Ms. Crabtree wear gas masks as well. Officer Barbrady, wearing a gas mask, gets out of the bus to inspect the boys' backpacks. The boys, including Butters, line up before him, and he inspects Stan's backpack. He pokes at it in a few places and then gives it back to Stan. Butters begins turning blue]
Officer Barbrady: Well okay. Next? [Stan boards the bus and Kyle steps up, giving his backpack to Barbrady. He inspects the backpack quickly and returns it to Kyle] Next? [Kyle boards the bus and Kenny steps up, giving his backpack to Barbrady. He inspects the backpack and pulls out some magazines...] Let's see: Hotties, Juicy, Whoppers... [returns the magazines and backpack to Kenny, who quickly boards the bus. Cartman walks up.] Okay, next? [Cartman hands him the backpack and Barbrady quickly pulls out some scissors in it] A-ha! What the hell are you doin' with this?!
Cartman: Those are my Hootie Owlie Round-Tip Scissors.
Officer Barbrady: These are a weapon! [holds the scissors aloft, away from Cartman]
Cartman: Awww, come onnn! How am I gonna kill people with those?
Officer Barbrady: I'll think of a way. Now move along!
Cartman: God-damnit! [boards the bus without his scissors]
Officer Barbrady: Alright, next! [No one steps up. Butters is quite blue now and just stands there. Then he just faints forward] Okay, clear. [the bus starts up, Barbrady boards it, and away it goes.]
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, morning. Along with the regular flag on the flagpole, a larger flag is draped over the front of the school, covering some second-story windows and the center of the school sign. Inside, the kids filter into class and drop off their gas masks along the wall. The door has been fitted with an industrial lock. Tweek enters and locks the door
Tweek: [drops off his mask] Oh, Jesus, man! They're gonna get me! [sits down] Oh Christ! [under his breath] they might - could get me.
Ms. Choksondik: Alright class, as some of you may have heard, the President has asked that American children all send one dollar to the children of Afghanistan. [holds up a sheet of paper with writing on it] So I have a list of addresses and we're goin' to all chip in.
Cartman: HA! I'm not giving a dollar to those towelheads!
Ms. Choksondik: Eric, the Afghan people need our help!
Cartman: Oh, I'm sorry, but I thought we were at war with these assholes!
Wendy: We're at war with terrorists, fatass, not with Afghanistan! And the only reason that you care is that you don't wanna give up the dollar!
Cartman: That dollar buys me a chocolate milk for lunch! What, do you want me to just get a regular milk for ten cents? [cue soft music. Cartman stands on his seat] Now look, it isn't our fault that terrorists hate us. We're just kids. We're not the ones bombing them now, we're- we're just kids. [now standing on his desk] There's a lot of crazy stuff goin' on in the world, but, we're caught in the middle. It's not our fault.
Wendy: The Afghan kids are caught in the middle, too!
Cartman: Yes, but they're sand monkeys!
Ms. Choksondik: Alright, children, we are all sending a dollar to the kids in Afghanistan! That's it! End of discussion!
Cartman: [drops into his seat angrily] God-damnit, I hate regular milk!!!
Scene Description: Afghanistan, day. Adults mill around as fighter planes fly by and bomb a few buildings. Two boys enter from the left and face the camera. They begin Speaking in Dari Persian
Afghan Stan: (تمام روز ما را بمباران کنند؟ "Are they gonna be bombing us all day?"
Afghan Kyle (named "Akmarh Shulur"): .هواشناسی گفته هوا که بارونی شه، بعد از ظهر هم خوب می‌شه "The weather guy has said if it rains, it's gonna be OK in the afternoon."
Afghan Cartman: !هی! من اینجا هیچی پیدا نمی‌کنم بخورم "Hey, I can't find anything to eat here!"
Scene Description: Afghan Kenny (named Keyvan) says something incomprehensible. Probably suggesting playing basketball.
Scene Description: They move off to play some basketball at a nearby makeshift ball court. The boy who was the first to speak gives the ball to his friend, the second to speak. The friend shoots the basket, but a bomb falls on the backboard, launching the ball away from the court and destroying the backboard and pole
Afghan Boys: Awww!
Afghan Stan: .حالا پاشو بریم فیلم ببینیم "Well, let's go watch a movie." [then the four move off to their right. They pay for their tickets and head for the doors. A bomb falls on the theater and blows it up]Awww!
Afghan Stan: حالا چی کار می‌خوایم بکنیم؟ "What do we do now?"
Afghan Kyle: دعنا نذهب للعب في منزلي. لا يوجد شيء آخر يمكننا القيام به. انظر يا شباب ، والداي في المنزل "Let's go play at my house. There's nothing else we can do. See guys, my parents are home.
Scene Description: A bomb falls on the house and blows it up
Afghan Boys: Awww!
Afghan Kyle: أكره ذلك عندما يسقطون القنابل "I hate it when they drop bombs."
Afghan Kenny: حالا چی کار کنیم؟ "What do we do now?"
Scene Description: A horse-drawn small SUV pulls up, a man comes out and drops off four letters, one for each boy, and gets back into the driver's seat. The SUV pulls away and the boys look at their letters. As dramatic music plays, the Kyle counterpart opens his letter up, looks inside, flips it over, and lets a dollar float down from it. The other three boys do the same. Akmarh looks at the bill, then up at the death and destruction surrounding the boys, and it's apparent that $4 won't do much to repair any of it. Akmarh looks at the bill again and wonders what to do with it.
Scene Description: The Marsh house, day. The garage has a large flag draping the door. Inside, on the living room couch. Sharon is lying there covered with blankets and watching TV. On the floor around the sofa are bowls, candles, food, and other items. Sharon hasn't been off that couch in a while.
Reporter: [on TV] Another high-alert status for terrorists activity this weekend. [SNN - America Fights Back. A news ticker crawls by. Major headlines appear to the left, stock quotes on top, weather forecasts under the crawl] The government said "bad things are likely to happen." [the door bell rings] Meanwhile, the world continues to back down from their support of the United States [dingle] saying that they were really only kidding to begin with.
Stan: [approaching] Hey Mom, door bell's ringin'.
Sharon: Can huh get th'ere 'or me? [Stan goes to open the door.]
Randy: [approaching through the kitchen, stops at the kitchen door] Hey, Sharon? Maybe you should stop watchin' the news for a little bit? [Sharon mutters something] Shu-Sharon, you've been watching CNN for about ah... eight weeks now. Don't you wanna watch somethin' else? [the door closes] Shu-Shu-Sharon? [Stan comes back into view, pulling a box a bit bigger than he is into the living room]
Stan: Hey, look at what the postman brought me! It's a big brown package from Afghanistan!
Sharon: Weh, that's nahice.
Stan: We sent the Afghani kids some dollars - they must have sent us something cool in return! [looks back at Randy] Do you have some scissors to get this open?
Randy: Stanley, your mother's a little freaked out right now. Why don't you go play with your big brown package from Afghanistan outside?
Stan: Well alright. [pushes the package back towards the front door. Randy returns to the kitchen... Sharon bolts from the sofa as Randy rushes back into the living room]
Randy, Sharon: Big brown package from Afghanistan??!!
Scene Description: The Marsh house, night. Paramedics, fire trucks, the SWAT team, and the FBI are all there. Two klieg lights shine on the package as two Hazmat men approach the package. A crowd of residents looks on. Stan, Cartman and Kenny watch from the front.
Kyle: [approaching] Dude, what's going on?
Stan: We got a package from the kids we sent dollars to. They sent us something back.
Hazmat man: [in white] Prelims show negative, sir.
Official: Then we're gonna have to blow it!
Two SWAT men: [in gray] Yes sir!! [they leave and rig the box so it opens without much damage]
Tweek: AAHH! This is it, man! It's over!
Richard: Tweek, calm down. Have some coffee. [Tweek looks up at Richard. The two SWAT members finish and return to the crowd. Everyone kneels behind the barriers and then cover their heads.]
Official: Open! [one of the SWAT officers presses the remote control and the box pops open. Inside is a goat]
Goat: Mma-a-a-a-a-a-a. [people begin to look up at the goat]
Stan: Oh, it's just a goat. [all rise]
People: Oohhh.
Blond Man: Look, it's a goat.
Man 1: Awww.
Brunet Man: A precious goat.
Goat: Ba-a-a-a-a. [Stan approaches it as soft music plays]
Stan: [now next to the goat] Hey there, little guy.
Official: [steps forward] Stay away from it! Terrorists could have given that goat anthrax or smallpox before sending it over! Johnson!! [another official steps forward and salutes] Check the goat for diseases!
Johnson: Yes sir! [walks over to the goat and begins licking its face. Stan backs away. After a few licks Johnson rises and announces] The goat seems to be clean, sir!
Stan: I told you: those Afghan kids just wanted to give us something back for giving them four dollars.
Cartman: Heh, four dollars for a goat? We got ripped off.
Official: Alright, men, this area is secure. Let's head out! [the various services disperse and drive away in their vehicles. ]
Kyle: Well what are we supposed to do with it?
Goat: Ba-a-a-a-a.
Stan: Yu- you're gonna have to take it home with you, Kyle.
Kyle: Dude, my mom won't even let me have a hamster.
Stan: Kenny?
Kenny: (No fuckin' way, dude!)
Stan: My parents will never let me keep a goat
Cartman: Well, I guess we're gonna have to kill it.
Stan: No, we're not gonna kill it, Cartman! We'll just have to [removes the return address from the box] take the return address and mail it back to the kids in Afghanistan. Come on, goat. [takes the goat's reins and leads it away. The other boys follow]
Goat: Ba-a-a-a-a.
Scene Description: Downtown South Park, night. All building windows have flags draped behind them, and some of the walls have flags on them as well. The post office has two flags on wall-mounted poles. The last postal worker closes up for the night as the boys approach
Kyle: Uh oh, they're closing!
Stan: Excuse me, we wanna overnight this goat to Afghanistan, please?
Postman: Excuse me?
Cartman: It's an Afghanistan goat, so it can't stay here, or else it'll choke on the sweet air of freedom.
Kyle: Yeah.
Postman: Afghanistan? [cautions] H-I'm sorry boys, but our planes aren't flying there.
Stan: They're not.
Goat: Ma-a-a-a-a-a-a.
Postman: The only planes goin' to Afghanistan are the military planes over at the base. I'm sorry. [walks away]
Stan: Well yeah! The military planes. Come on, goat, we'll put you on one of them. [leads the goat away. The others stand there for a second, then catch up to them]
Kyle: [calls out] Stan, I don't think we're supposed to be in the military base. They might shoot us.
Stan: I don't care! We're going!
Towelie: [dropping in] Don't forget to bring a towel.
The Boys: Aaagh!
Cartman: Oh no, not Towelie.
Towelie: When goin' someplace new, you should always bring a towel.
Stan: Okay, thanks, Towelie. [rolls his eyes]
Towelie: Do you wanna get high?
Cartman: [quickly] No, we don't wanna get high!!
Towelie: You mean, you don't want Towelie around?
Cartman: That's right!
Towelie: So am I to understand that there's been a ...Towelie ban?... [snorts and starts laughing]
The Boys: [not amused. Kyle covers his eyes] Awww!
Stan: Goddamnit, get the hell out of here, Towelie!
Towelie: Alright, see ya. [walks off]
Scene Description: The military base, night. Jeeps roll in as a battalion is assembled in the parking lot. A large cargo plane receives the vehicles and other cargo
General: Alright, troops. We depart for Afghanistan in five minutes! Let's move out!
Stan: [now in the base with the others] Alright, come on. We just gotta get the goat on one of these planes.
Soldier 1: [off-screen] Isn't this exciting, Tony? [the boys hide behind some boxes nearby] We're finally gonna see some action.
Tony: [the soldiers, in desert fatigues, appear] Yeah, and uh, I hear that as soon as we land we get a USO show.
Soldier 1: We do! [draws close] Stevie Nicks is goin' to perform.
Tony: Hoh, Stevie Nicks. Huh, I love her! [they move on]
Stan: [peeks out] Okay, it's clear. Come on! [moves out with the goat and the other boys. A shadow falls across them]
Soldier: [off screen] Hey you!
Tony: [aims his rifle at the boys] What the hell do you think you're doing here?!
Goat: ...Ba-a-a-a-a.
Tony: [chastened, quickly retracts the rifle] H-uh, I'm sorry, Miss Nicks, uh. [looks around] Hey guys, this is Stevie Nicks. [a black soldier walks up]
Soldier 2: Oh wow!
Goat: ...Ma-a-a-a-a.
Soldier 3: Uh, can I get a picture?
Soldier 4: Miss Nicks. Over here, Miss Nicks! [takes a picture]
Goat: ...Ma-a-a-a-a.
Tony: Oh... M- Miss Nicks, I... I don't wanna bother you, but... could you sing a quick Fleetwood Mac for us. Could ya?
Other Soldiers: Oh yeah. Please. Come on, come on. Please. Yeah.
Goat: ...Ma-a-a-a-a. Ma-a-a-a-a.
Soldiers: Oh! No way! That was wild! That was great!
Soldier 3: Wait till I tell my sister about this; she is gonna flip!
Stan: Well, uh, we've gotta get Miss Nicks on the plane to Afghanistan, guys.
Tony: Oh, can we just get a-
Stan: [turns right and walks off] Ah, sorry. Miss Nicks isn't answering any more questions.
Tony: Oh, sure, we understand. Move along. [the soldiers watch the goat walk away with the boys]
Soldier 3: ...She looks great.
Tony: She looks great.
Scene Description: Cargo plane, later. The boys walk up to the plane with the goat and prepare to put in in the cargo hold. A side door is open, with a ramp leading up to the hold
Stan: 'K, let's put him on here. [walks up the ramp, pushing the goat along]
Goat: [inside the hold] Ma-a-a-a-a.
Stan: [enters and soothes the goat] Shhh. There we go. You're gonna be okay, goat. You'll be back in Afghanistan in about 20 hours.
Cartman: [he and the other two peek in] Stan, if you're finished having your tearful goodbye with the goat, we'd like to go now, please?
Pilot: Alright, tango clear. [lifts the ramp up and swings it into the cargo hold...]
The Boys: Waaah!
Pilot: Let's head out. [...then closes the door and walks to the cockpit. The boys drop into the hold]
Cartman: [turns around and wrestles with the door] Aw, son of a bitch!
Kyle: [gets up, turns, and pounds at the door] Hey, wait! There are children in here!
Kenny: [rises and moves a bit] (Oh, shit, we're locked in.)
Goat: [inside the hold] Ma-a-a-a-a.
Stan: Dude, looks like we're going tooh... Afghanistan.
Kyle: [steps toward Stan] Going to Afghanistan? Locked in a small space for 20 hours? How could things get any worse? [poot. Cartman blinks tightly and smiles]
Boys: Awww! [Kyle covers his nose, Kenny draws his hoodstring tight]
Kenny: (Ee-hew-hoo!)
Cartman: [giggles] Uh ho, you guys.
Scene Description: Afghanistan, next day. A cargo plane has landed and the camera pans from the plane to the runway behind it. Another cargo plane lands and rolls to a stop. The large cargo door drops down and the soldiers file out marching
General: Welcome to Afghanistan, troops! Get your gear ready and report to the barracks at o-nine hundred!
Soldiers: Sir yes sir! [they march away. The pilot comes, opens up the small side door, and pulls down the ramp. The boys move out and go down the ramp with their jackets over their noses]
Kyle: Oh God, it was horrible!
Stan: Twenty hours!
Kenny: (God-damn, it stinks like shit!)
Goat: Ma-a-a-a-a! [leaps out and runs off]
Pilot: What the hell?
Kyle: Cartman farted in there! We had to breath it in for 20 hours!
Cartman: It didn't smell that bad; you guys are overreacting.
Pilot: [leans in and sniffs] I don't smell any- boh! Oh God! [begins choking] Hohhgh! [looks away] Blagh! [convulses] Bleeaagghh [throws up twice and passes out]
Cartman: Uh, whatever!
Kyle: You sonofabitch, Cartman! [begins to walk away, passing Cartman] You don't fart when you're locked in a small space with other people! [Stan passes by]
Cartman: Oh, I'm sorry! Next time I'll just ask my fart nicely if it wouldn't mind staying tucked away for a while!
Stan: [finds the goat next to Kenny] Alright alright, let's just get the goat back to his home! [pulls out the return address] We have to find this address. [leads the goat off. The other boys follow]
Goat: Ma-a-a-a-a.
Scene Description: A large city in Afghanistan, day. Could be Kabul. Plenty of large building and roads abound, but they all look rundown or beat down - this is a city in decay. The boys walk through the city
Cartman: God, what a craphole, dude! This is like East Denver! Jesus Chru-heist!
Kyle: Dude, no wonder terrorists come from places like this! If I grew up here, I'd be pissed off, too!
Stan: Hey look! There's a taxi! [horse-drawn, with small back tires. The boys head for it, passing a street performer.]
Performer: [raises his hands] Haa-aa-aa. [the boys into the taxi's back seat]
Stan: [to the driver] Hello. We need to go... [hands the driver the address] here. [the driver says: شما می‌خواین برین خونه؟ "You guys wanna go home?" and whips the horse into action. The taxi moves off]
Cartman: What is this? The freakin' Flintstones?
Scene Description: The home of the Afghan boys. The taxi pulls up and drops the South Park boys off, then goes away. The boys approach the door
Kyle: Is this the right house?
Stan: I think so. [steps up and knocks on the door]
Akmarh: [approaches and opens the door] شما چیزی می‌فروشید؟ "You guys selling something?"
Stan: A-ah, hi. We're from America. [Akmarh simply looks back] Uh, we sent you the dollar? Uh, the four dollars? You, you sent us this goat?
Akmarh: Goat? [the other Afghan boys show up behind Akmarh]
Goat: Ma-a-a-a-a.
Stan: Here. Wu-we don't want it.
Akmarh: Oh, you want something else? All we had was the goat. Your country bombed everything else.
Stan: No, dude, we're n- we're not ungrateful. It's just... none of us can keep the goat.
Cartman: It was choking on the sweet air of freedom in America, so we brought it back to your crappy country. [the Afghan boys are insulted]
Stan: Oh uh, and here. [pulls out a small flag] Take this American flag as... a gift. [hands it to Akmarh and backs up. Akmarh considers the gift for a few moments, then throws it on the ground and steps back. The fat kid moves up and pours some fuel on it, then the poor kid strikes a match and throws it on the fuel, setting the flag on fire.]
Afghan Boys: Yaaay. [they jump up and down]
Kyle: Hey! What the hell are you doing?!
Stan: Yeah, they told us in school that everyone but terrorists love America.
Fat Boy: Huh! !آمریکایی‌ها با خوک می‌خوابن Americans are pig fuckers!
Cartman: What did you call us?!
Akmarh: Your country is the evil empire! Your government wants to rule the world! But your values and your spirituality are in the guh-ter!
Kyle: Then why did you send us the goat?
Boy in Blue Vest: Because, in Afghanistan, we have pride. If you send us something, we must send something in return.
Akmarh: It doesn't mean we don't still hate you. Now, get out of here! [the Afghan boys back up and Akmarh shuts the door]
Stan: Hey! Hey, open the door!
Cartman: I told you! Jawas have no heart.
Kyle: Jawas?
Cartman: You know, sand people.
Stan: How come they hate America so much? What the hell did we do?
Goat: Ma-a-a-a-a.
Kyle: Well, we tried, dude. If anyone else in this craphole hates Americans, we'd better just leave the goat and get back to the plane!
Stan: Alright. [leads the others away. The goat follows. Stan hears the hoofbeats and stops] Oh look, he's following us. It's so sad.
Cartman: [softly] God, I hate you so much, Stan!
Stan: What? [voices rise in the distance (مرگ بر آمریکا! مرگ بر آمریکا "Down with USA" or "Death to America"! The boys look on. The protesters march by the boys and stop, curious about the boys standing there. Stan greets them] Howdy. [the protesters remain motionless]
Kyle: Um... [looks around, then slowly] Greetings from Canada. [now with Canadian accent] Well boys, it's aboot time we get to our hoose in Canada, isn't it?
Cartman: Ey, what the hell are you talking about?! [Stan and Kyle look at Cartman angrily] I'm not a god-damned Canadian, and neither are you!
Stan: [buries his face in his hand in disgust and shakes it] Cartman, you stupid asshole! [the crowd roars with anger and ties the four boys and the goat up. Two of the protesters talk about what to do next. One of them ends with]
Protester: ...Osama bin Laden! [the others crack up and lead the captives away]
Kyle: Good job, fatass!
Cartman: Dude, don't call me a Canadian! [the protesters lead the captives up a mountain road. A bird in a tree warbles an Arabic song. When the lead protester reaches the tree he shoots the bird, and the bird falls down and away, dead. The trek resumes]
Scene Description: A cave in Afghanistan, day. "Not where Osama bin Laden is." Guards stand outside keeping watch. Inside, six guards interrogate the boys
Stan: You've gotta listen to me! We're not spies! [one of the guards says something]
Cartman: Look, I think I can explain everything. You see, my friend Stan here is an oversensitive animal lover. He's got a boner for this goat, a-
Voice: Amaar madmallah [the guards look up, then line up at either side of the cave entrance. A lanky figure walks in]
Osama bin Laden: [swaying as he walks in] Oooo, alamalamalamalaah.
Kyle: Oh crap, it's him!
Goat: Ma-a-a-a-a.
Osama bin Laden: [pacing before the boys] Amalama hamahamahama? [draws close to Cartman] Una Haqa mala
Cartman: [leaning away] Ogh! Dude, it's called deodorant, okay? It's not expensive.
Osama bin Laden: Haqaama hamahalahamahaqa. [the guards move off and return with studio equipment - two spot lights and television camera. The cameraman announces that they're ready to tape (!اوساما خان، حاضره "Osama sir, we're ready.". Osama sways over to his spot. The cameraman gives a signal and several makeup artists rush in for some quick touch-ups, then leave. The cameraman gets behind the camera and gives the signal to start talking] U bataqataqaa maladala. Ameriqa la tabakabaka haka haqadaqadaqa [laughs] Haqahaqa, daaqadaqa!
Cameraman: Aaaaand... cut! [Osama grins and the guards clap. Osama takes a small bow and tosses the mic away, then walks off]
Stan: Dude, these people are insane.
Scene Description: The Marsh house, night. Sharon has resumed watching SNN on the sofa
SNN reporter: ...as more and more case of terrorist-related AIDS continues to grow. And this just in: the Taliban has apparently taken American civilians as hostages. The Taliban has just released this videotape [the boys and the goat in their chairs, flanked by two Taliban guards], in which it is clearly visible that they have indeed captured [closeup of the goat, with Kenny to the left] Stevie Nicks. Miss Nicks appears to be in good spirits, though her whereabouts are unknown.
Randy: [pops in from the kitchen] Hey, Sh- Sharon? Ha- have you seen Stan in the last couple... days?
Sharon: [raises her head a bit] Yes. I just saw him.
Randy: Oh okay. [slowly moves back into the kitchen]
Scene Description: Afghanistan, day. The general and his troops are watching the same report
SNN Reporter: With Stevie Nicks in captivity, the other members of Fleetwood Mac have been hidden so the Taliban can't get to them as well. [the soldiers are crestfallen]
Tony: They... took Stevie Nicks?
Soldier 2: Bastards! Heartless, gutless bastards!
General: Alright men! Grab your guns and your Bibles! We are going to get Miss Nicks back!
Soldiers: [cheering] Hooray!!! [some of them have their arms raised]
Scene Description: The Afghan boys' home, at that moment
SNN Reporter: The Taliban's video also shows what appears to be four American children in captivity, though they could just be French.
Akmarh: [rising] We have to help them.
Fat Boy: Do you say??
Akmarh: They are not espies. They came to give us our goat back.
Boy in Blue Vest: Screw them! They are evil Americans!
Akmarh: I know! But if we don't help the innocent ones, then we are no better than the Americans are.
Fat Boy: Help the Americans? That doesn't make sense.
Akmarh: Dude, we are espeaking English right now. Does that make sense??
Boy in Blue Vest: Alright, let's go. [they pick up their rifles and exit]
Fat Boy: !ای لعنت "Oh, goddammit!"
Scene Description: Osama's cave, day. Inside, at table, the Taliban guards are celebrating Osama's birthday. The guards and Osama wear party hats
Osama bin Laden: Aw, jihad, jihad. [the boys look at each other for reactions, and the alarms go off] Oh? [walks over to his security screen and sees the Americans converging outside the cave entrance, then runs around unsure what to do] Oh, oh! Ameriqa haqa haqa! Dursha! Dapadapadapa! [the guards respond and give each other orders while moving out. Osama pulls out a walkie-talkie and speaks into it] Hulagugla hugagugahagahaa!
Scene Description: Outside Osama's cave, day. The American and Taliban forces engage each other in combat.
Scene Description: Inside Osama's cave. Osama is still giving orders
Osama bin Laden: Qubada durqaana Ameriqanab! Qubada durqaana- [a grill next to the boys rises, and the Afghan boys climb out]
Stan: Hey, what are you guys doing here?
Osama bin Laden:
Boy in Blue Vest: Shh. We've come to save you.
Kyle: But I thought you hate us.
Boy in Blue Vest: We do. [Osama talks away, and the boys slip out quietly with the goat. Cartman decides not to join them, and walks towards Osama]
Kyle: Cartman, where are you going??
Cartman: I'm gonna go take care of this prick!
Kyle: Cartman, he's crazy!
Cartman: He's not crazy, he's an idiot. I know how to deal with these people. [walks off]
Osama bin Laden: A flippity flappity floop! Jihad jihad!
Cartman: Mehah... [bites on some food] What's up, bin Laden?
Osama bin Laden: Arrrrrrrrrrrubadubaduba! Durbadurba haq!
Cartman: Uh oh, 5:30, time to pray. [quickly rushes for a prayer rug and rolls it out, then kneels and bows deeply a few times.] Allah, Allah, m'heh
Osama bin Laden: Taba haqa?? [goes for his prayer rug and does as Cartman does] Allah Allah Allah, Allah hakadurrpa durpa adurpa hagalah [Cartman brings out a huge mallet and smashes it on Osama's head. Osama's head rings like a bell, then he looks at Cartman and aims his rifle at him]
Cartman: Uh oh! Mmm-mm! [kisses Osama and tumbles away]
Scene Description: Outside Osama's cave, day. The American and Taliban forces are still fighting. The seven kids and the goat emerge from the cave
Akmarh: We will have to be quick! The Americans are attacking!
Kyle: Where do we go? [they look around]
Akmarh: Get down! [all boys hit the floor and hide their faces. A bomb blows up in front of them. When the smoke clears, Kenny and the poor Afghan boy are both dead, both riddled with bullets]
Boy in Blue Vest: !اوه الله! کشتن کیوانو "Oh, my God! They killed Keyvan!"
Akmarh: !تو، دیوث "You bastards!" [Stan and Kyle look at each other. Akmarh gets his rifle and fires away at American helicopters] You... murdering Americaaans!!
Stan: Hey, shut up, kid. America didn't start this war.
Akmarh: America DID eh-start this war! They eh-started it YEARS ago, when they put their military bases on Muslim holy lands!
Scene Description: A forest near the cave, at that moment. Osama bin Laden slinks around looking for Cartman. He stops next to a small bush. As bin Laden looks around the bush skittles away, then stops. Bin Laden sees the bush has moved and growls at it, aims his rifle, and walks up to it - four steps. The bush moves again, then stops. Bin Laden catches up in three steps. The bush moves again, then bin Laden tales a step forward. The bush moves again, then bin Laden tales another step forward. The bush leaps and bin Laden holds it in mid-air as Cartman drops to the ground. We get a view of the gun on Cartman's face from Cartman's perspective
Osama bin Laden: [tossing the bush away] Ramadan!
Cartman: Hey look! An infidel! [bin Laden quickly turns around]
Osama bin Laden: Wuut? Peitoqaba! [Cartman gets up and pulls bin Laden's pants down. Osama looks stunned. A magnifying glass pops up over bin Laden's genitals, then another, then another... nine in all, and the penis is finally visible. A sign pops up... "Tiny, ain't it?" A few seconds later the sign and magnifiers go down and Osama pulls his pants up]
Cartman: So that's what this is all about?
Osama bin Laden: Ishta fatwa open sesame!
Cartman: [climbs up bin Laden and kisses him] Mmmm! Tastes like chicken. The ass of a chicken!
Osama bin Laden: Proila foqabam!
Cartman: Woohoo! [zips away, leaving a dust cloud front of bin Laden. Bin Laden gives chase, leaving his own dust cloud.]
Scene Description: Outside Osama's cave, day. The fighting continues. Amid the fighting, the general crosses the battlefield.
General: We're coming, Miss Nicks! Hang on!
Goat: Ma-a-a-a! Ma-a-a-a!
Scene Description: Outside Osama's cave, day. The South Park boys line up opposite the Afghan boys. Stan faces Akmarh, Kyle faces the boy in blue vest.
Kyle: All right, I've had just about enough of this! They told us in school, and on TV, that most people in Pakistan and Afghanistan like America.
Boy in Blue Vest: And you believe it? It is not just the Taliban that hates America. Over a third of the world hates America!
Stan: But why? Why does a third of the world hate us?
Boy in Blue Vest: Because, you don't realize that a third of the world hates you!!!
Stan: [considers the argument...] ...That doesn't make sense. You guys are just buttholes!
Akmarh: You're butt-holes!
Stan, Kyle: You're buttholes!
Scene Description: Outside Osama's cave, day. Osama and Cartman are now out in the open desert. Osama resumes slinking around
Female voice: Youhoo.
Scene Description: it's Cartman seated on a camel, dressed in a purple chador. Bin laden takes one look and he goes nuts over what he sees. His eyes bug out as he goes horizontal
Cartman: Haduqaduqaduqa. [Osama's tongue has rolled out to the floor. He tugs it and it rolls up like a classroom projection screen] Huqadukadukadukaduuu. [Osama whistles and then lustily howls like a wolf as he stomps his foot down on the ground. Cartman hops off the camel, walks some distance, and bats his eyes at bin Laden. Osama takes big steps towards Cartman, and the camera alternates between the two. Bin Laden stops short of Cartman... and leaps over him, landing on the camel's neck. Bin Laden starts kissing the camel all over, and Cartman removes his veil, looks at bin Laden, then looks at the camera]
Osama bin Laden: [on bended knee] Oh bella, bella falafel. [brings out a bouquet of flowers]Mi amore. Fatwa, fatwa. [Cartman holds up a sign with a screw and a baseball on it, then puts it away. Bin Laden hops away, then returns with a table, two chairs, two glasses and some wine, and sets up a table for two. He sets the camel down on one chair and sits on the other one opposite the camel. He then serves up some glasses of wine]Ahh, de vino! Mi fatwa! J'ai une fatwa! [Cartman holds up four other signs: a jack and donkey, a pile of feces and a bald head, a rooster and lollipop, and Barbra Streisand]
Scene Description: Outside Osama's cave, day. The boys have moved away from the cave entrance, and the fat Afghan boy has rejoined them. Beyond them the two forces continue fighting
Kyle: Do you really think your civilization is better than ours?! You people play games by killing animals, and oppress women!
Boy in Blue Vest: It's better than a civilization that spends its time watching millionaires walk down the red carpet at the Emmys!
Stan: ...He's got us there, dude. [pan out to see more fighting]
Tony: [finds the goat and picks it up] I got her. I got Stevie Nicks. [carries it away. The Americans retreat, but continue firing away]
Goat: Me-e-e-eh.
Scene Description: Nearby... Osama's grinning widely at the camel. Cartman walks up in a different costume - that of the fussy movie director.
Cartman: There you are! Where have you been? We have another anti-American video to create! [hauls bin Laden away.]
Osama bin Laden: Oh, dapidiuta ako. [Bin laden manages a wave good-bye at the camel.]
Cartman: Hur-ry, get into wardrobe! [bin Laden goes behind the walll and changes clothes. Cartman taps his foot impatiently] Oh hur-ry up, will you hur-ry?! [bin Laden comes out dressed as Uncle Sam] Oh, you look marvelous, dahling.
Osama bin Laden: Haqa hamahama.
Cartman: Come on! The cameras are ready! [pulls bin Laden to his mark. Behind them, eight Taliban soldiers fire away at the Americans] Alright, there we go. Let's roll cameras. [walks off and returns with a director's megaphone and a firecracker] Oh, and here's your microphone. [hands Osama the firecracker]
Osama bin Laden: [the Taliban soldiers see Uncle Sam and approach him] Ogh. America adirqadirqa- [looks around. The soldiers fire away at him. Bin Laden staggers, then looks at the object in his hand. Other Taliban soldiers rush in to see, and they all recognize whom they just shot.] Uh ohhh.
Osama and the Taliban Soldiers: HAAAAAAGH! [the firecracker explodes, killing all the soldiers around it. Only Osama is left there at the point of impact, sitting on the ground, with his teeth dangling like piano keys. They play a few notes]
General: We've done it! The Taliban is destroyed!
Soldiers: Hoorayyy!!
Kyle: Wow! I guess Cartman really did take care of them.
Osama bin Laden: [flaps his lips with his finger, making some noise] Terrorists is the craziest peoples. Eheeee! [shows his teeth. An American soldier walks up behind bin Laden and dispatches him with one last shot]
Soldier: I got him! I got him!
Boy in Blue Vest: Well, it looks like the Taliban and bin Laden are finally out of power.
Akmarh: Yeup, you don't need us anymore. [they turn and walk away]
Stan: Hey, wait a minute. You know, you guys should know one thing. [the Afghan boys turn around] Most people in America are good people. We just try to live day by day, like you guys do. Maybe if you took some time to see all the great things about our country, you'd see... we're not so different after all.
Kyle: Yeah.
Boy in Blue Vest: That's fine. But we still hate you. [the Afghan boys turn and walk away again]
Stan: Oh... Well, I guess, maybe, someday, we can learn to... hate you too.
Akmarh: [the Afghan boys look again] Maybe. In time. [they turn once again and walk off]
Kyle: I'm confused.
Scene Description: USO concert. The stage is set amid the pup tents and soldiers clamor around in the audience. "VICTORY!" The general takes the stage
General: Great job, troops! Once again we have killed our enemies!
Soldier 5: [cheering] Hooray!
Soldier 6: Hooray! Yeah, we sure did!
General: The world is now safe, thanks to you. And so now, as promised, here is Fleetwood Mac with Stevie Nicks!
Soldiers: Whoa. Yeah. [the goat, dressed to look like Stevie Nicks, approaches the mic.]
Fleetwood Mac: Just like the wild winged bird sings a song-Stand back, she's singin'.
Goat: Maaa
Fleetwood Mac: Baby
Goat: Maaa
Fleetwood Mac: Babe
Goat: Maa-ha [the concert continues. The three boys watch the performance.]
Stan: Come on, let's go get to the plane. [turns left and walks away. The others follow. On the way there, Stan sees a flag on the ground and approaches it. He goes down on one knee, picks up the little flag, blows the dust off it, sets it into the ground, takes off his jacket, and wraps it around the base of the flag ]
Kyle: [approaching with Cartman] Dude! I almost thought those Afghani kids talked you into not liking America.
Stan: No, dude. America may have some problems, but it's our home. Our team. And if you don't wanna root for your team, then you should get the hell out of the stadium.
Kyle: Yeah.
Stan: [rises, steps back, and salutes] Go America.
Kyle: [salutes] Go America. [lowers his right arm] Go Broncos. [moves off]
Stan: [follows] Yeah, go Broncos.
Cartman: Yeah. [follows the other two out]


Scene Description: South Park Elementary School Gym, day. Stan, without his hat, is seated on a stool, none too pleased, before a backdrop of a meadow. Behind the photographer are the kindergartners and Mr. Adler's class
Photographer: Okay, now lift your chin a little. [no change on Stan's face] Look right here. Right here. [points at the camera lens] Hey, where's my smile? Come on, I bet you got a smile for me. I-I'm startin' to see a smile. [Stan doesn't smile] There it is. [FLASH!] Okay great, next.
Stan: [reaches for his hat and puts it on] I didn't smile. [hops off the stool and walks away. A wider view shows Ms. Choksondik's class in line off to the right. The kids move forward. Butters heads for the stool]
Kyle: I hate picture day at school! It's always some gay-ass photographer with some gay-ass backdrop of New England!
Butters: [in dress shirt and tie, holds out his palms] Ah, hang on a second. My mom said to make sure I look good this time in... the school pictures. [pulls out a comb and some gel, dabs the gel on the comb, and combs his hair back. Four strokes, and he's done]
Photographer: Okay, smile [Butters smiles, a lock of his hair goes up, and he blinks. Then the picture is taken, and Butters opens his eyes] Okay, next? [Butters hops off; Bebe, wearing heavy makeup, approaches and hops onto the stool]
Stan: [joins Kyle at the end of the line] Did you go yet?
Kyle: No. This is taking forever.
Cartman: [rushes up, giddily breathless] You guys! You guys! This is sooo funny!
Kyle: What, Cartman?
Cartman: Dude, check it out: for picture day, Kenny got into his parka backwards, so that his ass shows through his hood. Look! [points]. Kenny, Kenny, over here! [Kenny comes in looking as Cartman described, with his hands on the floor and his feet in the air, laughing uncontrollably. After Kenny stands still, Cartman roars with laughter]
Kyle: It isn't that funny, Cartman.
Cartman: Yes it is! [while this is going on, the other kids get their pictures taken, Token being the last one. He hops off the stool and walks away.]
Ms. Choksondik: Next in line! Come on, let's keep it moving, kids! [Kyle walks up to the stool]
Cartman: ...Don't listen to that Jew, Kenny, it's totally funny.
Photographer: [Kyle sits for the camera] Take off your hat, please.
Kyle: But I never take off my hat.
Photographer: Come on now, I bet your parents want a picture of YOU lookin' natural.
Kyle: This is how I look natural.
Ms. Choksondik: Kyle, we're taking pictures without hats today!
Kyle: [angrily] Crap. [takes off his hat to reveal big red bushy hair]
Photographer: Smile! Come on, where's that smile? Is it gonna kill you to smile? I see a smile. [Kyle gives a small grin, and the picture is taken. He goes back to being angry, re-dons his hat and hops off the stool] Next!
Kyle: Gay-ass. [Cartman hops on, takes off his hat and quickly strikes a pose]
Photographer: [takes the picture] Very nice. Okay, last one? [hops off laughing as Kenny approaches]
Cartman: Uh oh. [laughs]
Photographer: Okay, have a seat, young man. [both Cartman and Kenny chuckle as Kenny sets himself down] Well, okay, lookin' great. Now where's that smile? Come on, give me a nice, wide smile. Wider. Perfect! [FLASH!]
Cartman: Huh, how long 'til we get the pictures back?
Photographer: Should be about four days.
Cartman: Four days?? Oh man, I can't wait that long!
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, four days later, day. Inside, in Ms. Choksondik's class, Cartman is fidgeting rather loudly in his desk
Cartman: Heh, c'mon! C'mon c'mon c'mon c'mon! C'mon c'mon! C'mon c'mon c'mon!
Ms. Choksondik: Alright, class, I have your school photos to hand out-
Cartman: [bouncing in his seat] YES! YES!
Ms. Choksondik: Most of them are very nice. But, apparently, one of you thinks it's fun to spoil their school pictures [Kenny looks around], and thinks he's a comedian. That person will be spending the afternoon in the principal's office!
Kenny: (Aww, that's bullshit!)
Ms. Choksondik: School photos aren't for joking around, so you aren't getting your photo back, Butters! [thrusts the photo out for a close-up]
Butters: Um-me?? Huh but I didn't do nothin'.
Ms. Choksondik: For the rest of you, I think your pictures turned out very nicely.
Butters: But, buut, but but what hey! Wait a minute! [the others get their photos and review them]
Cartman: [rushes up and takes Kenny's photos] Let me see! [returns to his seat. Stan and Kyle look at Cartman curiously while Kenny looks on angrily]
Butters: [catches up to Ms. Choksondik as she sits at her chair] Bu-but Teacher, I didn't mean to look stupid in my picture. Honest!
Cartman: [opens Kenny's envelope and looks at the photo, then roars with laughter] Dude, dude! Check it out! This is the sweetest thing I've ever done!
Kenny: (You've ever done?!)
Cartman: [Laughs] Look at how the crap ...is sittin' right in the middle! [laughs some more]
Ms. Choksondik: Eric, calm down. I'm trying to yell at Butters!
Cartman: Okay, hokay, I'm sorry Ms. Chokesonrocks!
Ms. Choksondik: You know very well my name isn't Chokesonrocks, it's Choksondik! Say it right or you can go to the principal's with Butters!
Cartman: I'm sorry Ms. Choksondik.
Butters: I tried to make a good picture. Honest.
Ms. Choksondik: Your mother is waiting for you in the principal's office. [points towards the door]
Butters: My mom? [turns around and walks out] Oh, sweet Jesus!
Cartman: Hoh, Oh my God! More people have to see this picture, you guys. I'm gonna put it on the Internet or... No, wait! Kenny. [Kenny looks over] I just had the greatest idea... ever!
Scene Description: Dairy Gold Milk Company, day. A receptionist in blue suit sits at her desk. The doors open and Cartman enters
Receptionist: Welcome to South Park Milk Company. Can I help you?
Cartman: Oh, yes, hello. I am helping out a family who has a missing child, and I was wondering if you could print his photo on your milk carton? [stifles a laugh]
Receptionist: Oh, of course. Printing those photos on our milk really does help. Do you have the photo with you?
Cartman: Yes, I have it right hmya. [shows her Kenny's school photo]
Receptionist: [takes the photo] O-okay, great. We'll print it immediately.
Cartman: You will? [tries not to laugh, but some escapes] Ah. [stifles another laugh] Oh, ah, thank you for your help.
Receptionist: Sure. If I could get a description of the child to print underneath the photo? [Cartman stops in his tracks and turns around]
Cartman: Oh, yehes. Uh-heh. He has ah, blond hair, aha-and, ah, and a brown eye. [sniggers, then laughs] Brown eye! [laughs some more under his breath]
Receptionist: Okay, brown eye...
Cartman: And, and big rosy cheeks! [laughs some more]
Receptionist: ...Full cheeks...
Cartman: [cracks up] Full cheeks! [laughs] Winking brown eye, brown eye winking! [cracks up]
Scene Description: Stan's house, day. A TV is heard.
Reporter: Ms. Hamilton was the fourth person to be run over by a motorcycle this week, leaving a city to ponder, who will be next? [Stan and Kyle are on the sofa eating popcorn. The phone rings, and Kyle answers it]
Kyle: Hello?
Cartman: [between the laughter] You guys! You guys! You guys! [laughs uncontrollably]
Kyle: Hello?
Cartman: [more laughter] ...You guys!... [more laughter]
Kyle: [getting annoyed] Cartman?
Cartman: [more laughter] You guys! You guys! You guys! Hurry. [hangs up]
Stan: What's he want?
Kyle: [pissed off] I don't know. Let's go see. [they walk off]
Scene Description: Cartman's house, minutes later. Cartman can be heard laughing inside as Stan and Kyle approach his door. Kyle rings the doorbell and Cartman answers, still laughing.
Kyle: Why'd you call us?
Cartman: Come on. Come on. [whispers] Come on.[leads the way] Oho, this is so sweet! [still laughing as he walks to the sofa and picks up a milk carton] You guys, seriously, this is sooo sweet!
Stan: Goddamnit Cartman, what?! [Cartman hands him the carton and erupts in laughter as Stan and Kyle look it over]
Kyle: ...You put Kenny's picture on a milk carton??
Cartman: Look at, look at the description. Brown eye! [falls to the floor, pounding the carpet with his fists in hysterics]
Stan: That isn't funny, Cartman.
Cartman: Oh, it's soo completely funny!! Ahaha this is certainly funny!!
Kyle: No it's not, Cartman. You know, there really are couples out there who are missing children.
Cartman: No there aren't. Jesus, grow up, you guys.
Scene Description: A house in Wisconsin. A woman enters her kitchen with some groceries and sets them on the kitchen counter next to the sink. She pulls them out one by one, but stops when she pulls out the milk carton
Martha: [gasps] Oh my God. Oh my God! [holds the carton close. Her face looks like a derriere] Steven! Steven, come quick!
Steven: [rushes in. His face does also.] What is it, Martha?
Martha: Look. It's him! It's... our son.
Steven: Our ssson!
Scene Description: Dairy Gold Milk Company, day, a few days later. The Wisconsin couple are at the Dairy Gold Milk Company, talking to the receptionist. Their "s" and sometimes "th" comes out sounding like a raspberry
Martha: ...and so that's when I called out to my husband. I just knew the boy picture on your milk carton was our little Tommy.
Receptionist: [stunned] ... yes, I see. [pics up a milk carton carton] Uh, but the child on the milk carton was reported missing, not found.
Steven: We realize that. But we just thought that maybe someone else had found Tommy, and then lost him again. We're pretty certain that it's our boy, considering his physical appearance. Martha and I have the... same condition.
Receptionist: ...Riiight.
Steven: You may not have realized this, but we actually have buttocks where our heads should be.
Receptionist: [flatly] ...Really?
Steven: Yes.
Martha: Steven and I have a condition called "torsonic polarity syndrome." It's a birth defect that's passed on genetically.
Steven: Over eleven people worldwide suffer from TPS.
Receptionist: [flatly] Hmm, hmm, that's am-, that's amazing.
Steven: Martha and I were lucky enough to meet each other at a TPS convention in France.
Receptionist: So... do you have heads down where your rear ends should be?
Steven: No no, don't be silly. You see, with TPS, the birth defect is on the exterior only. Behind this we still have all our vital head organs - tongue, eyes, nasal passages...
Receptionist: Well, Mr. and Mrs...
Steven: Uh, Thompssson.
Receptionist: ...Thompson. Uh, I'll contact the young boy who gave me the photo, and perhaps we can all visit him together.
Martha: Oh, wonderful! Steven, we're goin' to see Tommy again!
Steven: Now, Martha, what did I say about getting our hopesss up?
Martha: You're right. You're right.
Scene Description: Cartman's house, moments later. Cartman is laughing his ass off on the sofa when Stan and Kyle return to see him.
Kyle: ...Okay Cartman, what do you want this time?
Cartman: [gets up and hops off the sofa] Oho, you guys, you guys! Oh my God. [tries to compose himself] Okay, okay, so get this, get this: The milk company calls me, right? [wipes some moisture from his face] And they call me and say that two people from Wisconsin... saw the picture of Kenny on the milk carton, and they think it's their kid. [cracks up again]
Stan: ...Dude, that's not funny if they're missing their son.
Cartman: No, nonono! Because apparently these two people... also kind of look like they have butts where their heads should be! [waits a second, then roars with laughter again]
Kyle: ...Nuh uh.
Cartman: Oh yes! And the best part is... they're coming here, to my house. And it's gonna be sooo funny!! [roars with laughter again. The doorbell rings and all three look at the door] Oh Jesus, that's probably them now! Okay, you guys, just play it cool, just play it-, just-sshh. No, sshh, you guys, sshh. [walks over to answer the door. He stops and stifle a laugh] Just- okay [chuckles] No. [takes a few steps] Okay, okay, no, you guys, sh, sh. [steps to the door, takes a deep breath, and opens it, grinning]
Martha: [greeting] Hello, we're Mr. and Mrs. Thompson. [Cartman stands there grinning, then it disappears into a frown. A few moments later he turns around dejected.]
Cartman: Oh God.
Kyle: [starts laughing, but stifles it with his hands over his mouth] Hohly crahap, duhude, heh!
Stan: No way! [Cartman turns around and looks again, frowning]
Steven: We understand you've seen our son. [Cartman looks speechless, then turns around looking lost]
Cartman: [very softly] Oh my... God. [walks away from the door quite afraid, then begins to ascend the stairs stammering nonsense]
Stan: Cartman, where are you going?? [Cartman keeps walking. The Thompsons simply shrug their shoulders, looking at each other]
Martha: [holds up the milk carton] Uh, excuse me, boys, do you know anything about this?
Kyle: [giggles a bit] Uh
Stan: Oh boy.
Kyle: Eh-heh. L-look, if you want an explanation, you you'd better go to Kenny's house.
Stan: Yeah. He lives about four houses away in the bad side of town.
Martha: [Steven puts his arm around her shoulder] Oh thank you. Thank you! [they turn and walk away. The receptionist waits for them on the walkway]
Receptionist: Well?
Steven: They said to inquire four houses down.
Martha: Let's hurry! [leads the way down the street. Steven and the receptionist follow]
Scene Description: Cartman's room, moments later. Cartman is at a loss for words and looks scared. The door opens and Kyle and Stan walk in.
Kyle: Ehheh, Cartman, what the hell are you doing?
Stan: Yeah, you missed them turning around.
Cartman: You guys, something's wrong.
Stan: What?
Cartman: I think... I.. just.. saw the funniest thing I'll ever see. And I... think... I... blew a funny fuse.
Kyle: [quizzically] Blew a funny fuse?
Cartman: [turns to face them] It was just too much and my sense of humor overloaded. [turns away] I don't think anything will ever be funny again. Oh God. What have I got?
Scene Description: Outside, on the sidewalk. Six kids are walking along: Kyle, Stan, Token, Clyde, Craig, and Tweek
Clyde: You mean they both have butts instead of heads?
Stan: Yeah, dude, we'll show you. They're over at Kenny's.
Token: How do they eat?
Stan: How the hell should we know? [the kids stop before a house]
Kyle: Butters! Hey Butters! You have to check this out!
Butters: [opens his bedroom window and looks down] W-what?
Kyle: You gotta come to Kenny's house with us.
Stan: There's these two people with asses where their heads should be.
Butters: Ahah-I can't, fellas. Ah-I'm grounded for lookin' stupid in my school picture.
Stan: But dude, you gotta see it; it's hysterical!
Linda: Butters can't come out and play, boys. He thinks it's funny to look like a jackass in his school pictures that I have to pay for!
Butters: Huh, but I told you mom: ah-I didn't mean to look... like a jackass, eh. It just happened.
Linda: You made a goofy face!
Butters: No! That's just what I look like. See?
Linda: [turns around and looks up] ...Don't you make that face at me, young man!
Butters: I'm not makin' a face, mom!
Linda: Stop it!
Craig: ...Come on, we wanna see the ass people.
Kyle: Alright. [the kids turn left and walk away]
Linda: Fine Butters! If you don't wanna stop making that stupid face at me, you can just stay in your room for another week! [goes inside and shuts the door.]
Butters: Another week? [turns around and drops down] I hate my stupid face.
Scene Description: Mr. Mackey's office, day. Cartman is on the couch laying on his back...
Mr. Mackey: Okay Eric, as your counselor, uh I want you to feel comfortable talking about anything, m'kay?
Cartman: Mr. Mackey, is it possible that you can see something so funny that it ruins your sense of humor forever?
Mr. Mackey: Well, I can't think of anything that would be THAT funny.
Cartman: Two people with asses for heads. Ever since I saw them I can't laugh at anything.
Mr. Mackey: Oh, I see, well... Well, what did you used to think was funny?
Cartman: You know, all the usual stuff. Dirty jokes, funny movies, seeing someone die... [Mr. Mackey is shocked by the last one] This morning, I even saw a little girl get her fingers caught in a car door and... I couldn't laugh. I mean I... I knew it was funny, but I couldn't laugh.
Mr. Mackey: Well Eric, I suppose that, just like everything else, laughter can be relative - in, in other words, sometimes people see somethin' so scary that nothin' else scares them, so, the same could be true for funny things.
Cartman: [turns over to look at Mr. Mackey] So does that mean I'll never laugh again?
Mr. Mackey: It's possible, hm'kay? [Cartman turns over and lays on his back again] But you know, if you have completely lost your sense of humor, you can always become a writer for the show, "Friends" [laughs at the unexpected humor in his own statement]. Ohokahay, huhuh.
Cartman: Ugh.
Scene Description: The McCormick house, later. The Thompsons' car is parked outside, on the street. Inside, the McCormicks, the Thompsons and the receptionist are seated around the coffee table. A brick has replaced two of its legs. Kenny stands beside his mother.
Carol: ...and so you see, our son was just playing a joke and the little fat kid put it on the carton.
Martha: Yes. Yes, I see.
Carol: Kenny, don't you think you owe the Thompsons an apology? [Kenny just stares at them]
Martha: ...No, it was foolish for us to get our hopes up.
Steven: It was just such a coincidence, considering the photo. You may not have realized this, but Martha and I have buttocks where our heads should be.
Stuart and Carol: Really?
Receptionist: Mr. and Mrs. Thompson, how long has it been since you've seen your son?
Steven: Tommy disappeared when he was only seven.
Martha: [leans into Steven's right shoulder, sobbing, and he comforts her] Oh, Steven, it's like it's all happening all over again. [sobs uncontrollably]
Carol: [rises to soother her also] There there now. [looks around, then walks off]
Receptionist: Please, Mrs. Thompson, it'll be alright. [Martha continues sobbing] Listen, the South Park Dairy Company is the country's largest. We find lost children all the time. [Carol returns with a box of tissues. Martha takes one and blows her "nose" with it. Stuart walks off again, and Martha resumes sobbing and blowing her nose] We can help you find Tommy with the company's database![Martha blows her "nose" even harder and louder.]
Carol: [holds her arms out as if to keep Martha away] Yes, well, aaah-I'll help you find your son. Just stop cryin', Please, for the love of God, stop cryin'!
Martha: [blows her nose again and sobs some more, then tries to compose herself] Ah, agh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. [blows her nose]
Receptionist: Mr. Thompson, how did your son become missing? Was he abducted?
Steven: Yes. He was in the care of our nanny at the time.
Martha: The nanny that we trusted so much took off with him and we still don't know why. [Stan and Token are now looking in through the window. Kyle joins them. Martha sneezes] We think perhaps she wanted a child of her own. [a couple of hands try to get a grip on the window sill]
Receptionist: And this was back in Wisconsin? [Craig soon rises into view outside]
Steven: Yes, but we last heard the nanny was heading west. [Token, Craig, and Kyle start laughing. Tweek pops up and pushes Craig out of the way to have a good look. Stan laughs, and Craig climbs up on Tweek.] That's why we thought Colorado made sssssense.
Martha: We've tried every avenue to find him, [Officer Barbrady happens by and says something. The kids jump] but, we've never tried the milk company. [Stan seems to tell Barbrady to come over and look at the ass people.]
Receptionist: Well you just give us a try. I think you'll find that South Park Milk [Barbrady approaches] is not only the best resource for finding kids, [Barbrady's eyes widen] but also the best producer of the freshest 2% lowfat milk the world can offer. [Barbrady walks away and calls out to some people, then returns to the window]
Martha: Thank you. Thank you so much for helping us. [Mr. Garrison walks by and looks in, then seems to say "Holy crap!"]
Steven: This certainly is a friendly town. [Sheila shows up behind Kyle] You've all been sssssso wonderful. [Chef shows up behind Mr. Garrison]
Martha: Yes, I'm so grateful I just wanna cry again.
Stuart and wife, and Receptionist: [they hold their palms out] NO!
Scene Description: The Bijou Theater, day. "Grossout Comedy 8" is playing there. Inside, Cartman sits amid a bunch of older folk
Male 1: Dude, why are you wearing Shalayna's panties? [the audience laughs; Cartman sits there, glum, his head resting on his left hand.]
Male 2: I have to wear Shalayna's panties. Lisa's were in the wash. [the audience laughs; Cartman just blinks.] Look, can we just get this over with?
Male 1: But dude, I can't French-kiss him. He's my grandpa! [the audience laughs]
Male 2: Come on, dude.
Male 1: Oh, alright Here it goes. Come'ere, Grandpa.
Audience: Aww
Cartman: [out of sorts] Oh, dude, oh.
Jonesy: [noticing] Dude, what's wrong with you?
Cartman: Nothing's wrong with me. Uh-
Male 1: Well, I'm glad that's over with. We'd better go back to the house now to see how Chris is doing. [Cartman fakes a laugh and the audience turns to look at him. Cartman manages a few weak laughs, then sinks in his seat]
Scene Description: Dairy Gold Milk Company, day. An official leads the Thompsons through the factory. Cows are lined up in their stalls eating from personal troughs.
President: Uh Mr. and Mrs. Thompson, as President of the South Park Milk Company, I want to apologize personally for printing that falsified picture on our milk cartons.
Steven: Please, please. It's not your fault.
President: Ye-yes, but here at South Park Milk we strive for excellence. For instance, we are now entering the extraction room. [stops] As you can see, we keep it close to the refrigeration room. That way we can get the milk to the container as fast as possible. [commercial music comes up] That's why some say South Park milk tastes like you're suckin' it right from the cow's tits yourself.
Martha: Amazing.
President: [a worker comes by with some food] Here, try a glass of our cold Vitamin D. And our fresh scones. [the Thompsons take some milk and scones and start eating]
Steven: Delicious.
Martha: Oh, excuse me. A little... difficult to drink with our condition. [the couple set their milks back on the tray and the worker walks out.]
Steven: Martha and I actually have buttocks where our heads should be.
President: Really? Well. And in here we have our Missing Child Resource Center. [leads them into a large darkened room]
Martha: Oh my, isn't this impressive?
President: Yes. With the Kelrom 4000, Mrs. Garthunk can search a database of over 30 million missing child cases.
Mrs. Garthunk: [the receptionist] We'll start the computer on a data search. Now, when did your son turn up missing?
Steven: Well, it was 1982. Tommy was only six at the time.
Mrs. Garthunk: Alright then. Computer...
Computer: Workiiing.
Mrs. Garthunk: Run a scan of missing children since 1982. Check for physical birth defects called TPS.
Computer: TPS. Torsonic Polarity Syndrome. Child missing since 1982. Workiiing.
President: So you actually haven't seen your son in over 20 years?
Martha: That's right.
Mrs. Garthunk: But then, why did you think the picture of Kenny was him. Wouldn't your son be much older now?
Steven: Yes, but since he appeared to be at least eight in the photo, [takes a bite out of the scone and chews it] we assumed someone had seen him since we did.
Martha: [pulls out a baby picture] This is the only photo we have of our little Tommy. [in diapers in a crib, looking like he's just finished eating]
Mrs. Garthunk: It's gonna take quite a while for the computer to do a scan of all missing kids.
President: Well, why don't we let Mrs. Garthunk do her work, and I'll take you two out for some good old Colorado chili. [walks out. The Thompsons follow him]
Steven: We don't really like chili; it makes us throw up.
Scene Description: Cartman's house, living room, day. The door bell rings and Eric answers it. Jimmy stands at the entrance
Jimmy: Well, hello, Eric. I was really glad you called me, very much.
Cartman: Jimmy! Thank God! Get in here! [goes inside, and Jimmy follows, closing the door]
Jimmy: What's this all about?
Cartman: Jimmy, you've always been my favorite standup comic. You've gotta help me. I've lost my sense of humor.
Jimmy: Gee, that's a terrible thing, Eric. Um comedy can be the best therapy, very much.
Cartman: I just have to find my funny bone again! Just try and make me laugh.
Jimmy: Oh, I don't think that'll be hard. I've been working on my rr... routine.
Cartman: Okay, let me have it.
Jimmy: Okay. Try this one on for size: Why did the... pigeon cross the road?
Cartman: Okay, why?
Jimmy: Because it was having sex with the chihi... Because it was having sex with the ch-hi-hi... Because it was having sex with the ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch... eh, it was having sex with the ch-ch-hiicken. [Cartman doesn't respond]
Cartman: ...Naw, see? Somethng's wrong. I'm not laughing.
Jimmy: Wow, what a great audience... How about this classic? Knock-knock.
Cartman: Who's there?
Jimmy: Orange.
Cartman: Orange who?
Jimmy: Orange you glad I didn't say banoo'n? Orange you glad I didn't say banoo'n? Orange you glad I didn't say bbb? Orange you glad I didn't say beh buhuhnnnaana?
Cartman: [stares back] ...naw, that didn't work either.
Jimmy: Wow, w-what a great audience... Knock-knock.
Cartman: Who's there?
Jimmy: An interrupting ca'ow.
Cartman: An interrupting cow who
Jimmy: [interrupting] Moooooo! [...no response.] ...What a terrific audience. [the two of them stand in the middle of the living room looking at each other]
Scene Description: Dairy Gold Milk Company, day. Mrs. Garthunk is still at the computer doing her search
Mrs. Garthunk: Hah, let's see. The Dallas-Ft. Wroth area. I haven't tried there yet. Computer?
Computer: Workiiing.
Mrs. Garthunk: Scan for any children reported found in the Dallas-Ft. Wroth area, with a facial deformity.
Computer: Workiiing. [some computer noises] Negative.
Mrs. Garthunk: Ugh. This is hopeless! ...Wait a minute, let's try it this way: Computer?
Computer: Workiiing.
Mrs. Garthunk: Scan databanks for children who reported their parents missing.
Computer: Workiiing. [some computer noises] One million six thousand hits.
Mrs. Garthunk: Alright, then break it down to claims in the past twenty years.
Computer: Workiiing. [some computer noises] Three hundred twenty-one thousand hits.
Mrs. Garthunk: Alright, now run a scan on homogenized versus pasteurized skim milk.
Computer: In skim form, homogenized has longer shelf life by 2.3 weeks.
Mrs. Garthunk: Okaaay, okay, now give me a breakdown of people who are seeking their parents who also suffer from a disease called T P S.
Computer: Torsonic Polarity Syndrome, plus, a claim to not know parents: one match
Mrs. Garthunk: Bingo. Do you have a photo
Computer: Printiiing. [the screen reads "Processing". A picture starts appearing on screen]
Mrs. Garthunk: My God. Oh my God!
Scene Description: Sidewalk, day. Six boys walk down the street again, only Kenny has replaced Tweek among the boys. They stop at Butters' house again,and again, Kyle calls out.
Kyle: Butters! Hey Butters!
Butters: [opens his windows; has a paper bag over his head] Hehyeah?
Kyle: They found the butt-face people's son, Butters. They're gonna have a big reunion at the milk company!
Butters: Aw gee, thah-at sounds swell, fellas, but I can't go 'cause I'm still havin' behavioral problems.
Stan: Why are you wearing a paper bag on your head?
Butters: Uh, my parents are makin' me wear this paper bag until I learn... to stop makin' silly faces all the time. They've really had it up to [raises his hand high] here with me.
Stephen: Butters? Are you ready to stop with the stupid faces?
Butters: [hops down to the floor] I sure am, Dad!
Stephen: Alright, you can take the paper bag off.
Butters: [removes the bag] Thanks, Dad! Ah I'm sorry I was bad-
Stephen: Oh, very funny, young man! You think it's clever to make yourself up like a girl?!
Butters: Hububut Dad, ah I didn't lick a-
Stephen: Did you use your mother's makeup?! She's gonna be furious!
Butters: I'm not wearin' makeup Dad! I uh-
Stephen: Put that bag back on!
Butters: [subdued] Yes, sir. [slips the bag over his head again]
Kyle: Dude, that poor kid. [walks off]
Clyde: Yeah, we gotta remember to kick his ass tomorrow. [turns with the other boys and follows Kyle off. Butters slams his windows shut]
Scene Description: Cartman's room, day. Cartman sits on his bed dejected. He's unwrapped a box and a gun sits on his bed to his left, a notepad and pencil to his right. He picks up the pad and pencil and writes...
Cartman: Dear Mom: I can no longer stand to be without a sense of humor. Without laughter, the world is a cold and sad place, and I can't go out to face it anymore. Please tell everyone why I won't be at school.
Scene Description: He sets the notepad down and looks at it for a moment, then he reaches over for the gun. He opens his mouth and puts the barrel of the gun in... and bites it off. It's a chocolate gun, and he sets the remainder down on the bed again
Cartman: And please buy me more chocolate guns. I'm starting to run out.
Scene Description: He picks up the chocolate again and takes another bite. Then he looks at the box the gun came in
Cartman: Please get the kind with marshmallow inside. I don't like the peanut-butter filled one.Eric.
Scene Description: Dairy Gold Milk Company, day. A TV 4 news van and crew are present. Some of the factory workers are present in the background as the president of the company stands behind some microphones. The Thompsons stand next to the president. A sign behind them asks, "Got Missing Kids?"
President: And so it is with great pride that we have flown little Billy Thompson out here, to be reunited with his parents for the first time in twenty years. [Stan, Kyle, Kenny, Craig, Token, and Clyde show up and watch.] Mrs. Garthunk? [moves aside as she steps up]
Mrs. Garthunk: Thank you, Mr. President. I'm proud to be an employee of South Park Milk, [music plays] which to date has found over a hundred thousand missing kids, and, led the way in the fight against curdling. Mr. and Mrs. Thompson, your son grew up not knowing who his parents were. [a shot of the Thompson couple] But he was strong and resilient, [a shot of the crowd] and ended up becoming very successful. I think it will amaze you as it will all of us to learn that your son... is Ben Affleck! [a picture is taken. The people in the crowd look puzzled]
President: Come around here, Ben! [a man makes his way through the crowd as the people clap and cheer. It's Ben Affleck]
Ben Affleck: Mom! Dad!
Steven: [opens his arms] Son!
Martha: [opens her arms] Oh, son! [Ben walks into their embrace as more pictures are taken]
Cartman: [walking up to the other boys] What's goin' on?
Stan: Dude, the ass-faces' son is Ben Affleck!
Steven: Oh, our same ol' Ben!
Martha: Oh, I'm so happy! [starts kissing him with her ass-face cheeks. Ben grimaces]
Mr. Garrison: Wow, I never realized Ben had TPS, but I definitely see the resemblance now. [Mrs. Thompson is still crying and kissing Ben.]
Steven: Aw, son. [begins kissing him, and Ben grimaces again]
President: Isn't this wonderful?
Photographer: [gets into position] Okay gang, give me a big smile. [the Thompsons face the camera with Ben and the picture is taken. The crowd then disperses, and a man behind the boys is writing something on a note pad. He walks away as well.]
Kyle: Well, looks like everything turned out alright for them.
Cartman: Yeah, I guess now we'll have to call him Ben Assfleck. [breaks into a grin and starts laughing] Ben Assfleck, say that's funny.
Stan: [noticing] Hey, you're laughing, Cartman.
Cartman: Hehey, you're right! Oho, this is great! Ben Assfleck! [laughs some more.]
Kyle: Well wait a minute. Don't you see what happened?
Cartman: A-heh, what?
Kyle: Everything turned out okay for those people. And so now you can laugh.
Stan: Huh?
Kyle: When Cartman first opened the door, and saw the Thompsons, he felt bad for playing a joke on them. Now that everything's turned out alright, he's able to laugh.
Stan: Oh, you're right. Cartman had a feeling of remorse.
Cartman: E-heh. No no no, I blew a funny fuse.
Kyle: There is no such thing as a funny fuse, Cartman. You felt bad.
Cartman: [silent sigh] Whatever. All I know is that I can laugh again. I'm gonna go home and eat another chocolate gun. Come on, Kenny! [Kenny follows Cartman, and they begin to cross the road. Kenny remains behind Cartman, and the sound of a motorcycle draws close]
Motorcycle Driver: [running over Kenny] Dangit! [Cartman spins to see Kenny's bloody body on the road... and roars with laughter]
Scene Description: Stan and Kyle face Cartman. Behind them the crowd consists of only the camera crew, Mrs. Garthunk, Ben Affleck and the Thompsons, and the workers
Stan: Wow, Cartman actually felt bad for somebody and couldn't laugh at them.
Kyle: Our little man is growing up, Stan. He's growing up.
Stan: Yeah, I guess we all are. Maybe things are finally gonna start getting a more sophisticated around here.
Scene Description: Close-up of the Thompsons taking turns kissing Ben Affleck. Mrs. Thompson sobs and blows her nose
Steven: Aw son! [kisses him]