Scene Description: CNN Conference Room. Rick Santorum, Mitt Romney, Newt Gingrich and Ron Paul are standing behind their benches, debating. A loud applause is heard.
Mitt: I know the people are going to say, oh you should only practice it this way or that way.
Rick: I believe in capitalism too. I believe in capitalism for everybody.
New: What he said, which I find mildly amazing, was that he thought I would have a hard time debating Barack Obama.
Ron: We faced something much much greater after World War II. [the camera pans to Stan, who is in the audience] We had ten million coming home at once. What did we do then? Some liberals said we need more work programs-
Stan: Tango, Tango, I'm in position.
Kyle: [offscreen] Copy, tango. Clear vantage point?
Stan: It will have to do. We're not getting closer.
Kyle: Alright, Butters. Bring it in.
Butters: [going through a hallway with a trolley] Equipment is flying in, ten seconds.
Kyle: Copy that. 10 seconds, Cartman.
Cartman: [in a wooden dark place with two wires on the ground] I can hear Kyle, just tell me when to go.
Scene Description: The conference room is shown again. The audience applauds as Stan looks around. The Secret Service agents are shown.
Agent 1: We might have a problem.
Agent 2: What's that?
Agent 1: We just got word somebody might try to Faith Hill this event.
Agent 2: Lock down the whole perimeter. Nobody is Faith Hilling, not on my watch! [raises his fists and walks away. The stage is shown through Stan's angle. Three other agents step on the stage.]
Stan: I think they're onto us guys. Let's do this. [Butters takes a plate from the trolley, which has an iPhone on it, and walks to the left. Meanwhile Kenny comes from the opposite direction, taking the iPhone and passing it to Stan.] I got it.
Agent 3: Hey, somebody is under the stage.
Kyle: Go Cartman! [Cartman runs up and comes on the stage. He cheerfully pulls his shirt out near the nipple area. Stan takes a picture. Four agents come up to chase Cartman.]
Scene Description: Outside the conference room. Butters, Stan, Kyle, Kenny and Cartman run out.
Butter: We got it. We got it!
Stan: Go, go, go.
Cartman: Hehe hehe, that was sweet you guys. [The agents run after them.]
Scene Description: The news
Reporter: First, there was planking. [various images of people planking come up] People taking pictures of themselves in a planked position and putting the photos on the Internet. Planking was soon replaced by owling. [a picture of a boy with his knees drawn to his chest] And after the Super Bowl by Bradying. [New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady as well as an overweight man, both sitting on the ground with their legs straight out, hands clasped and looking down] But the newest meme involves pulling the shirt out to look like boobs. [Cartman pulling out his shirt at the debate is shown, this time fullscreen] It's called Faith Hilling. And all around the world people are doing it. [A black boy pulling his red shirt, then a ginger boy with a cap doing the exact same thing with his grey-and-white sweatshirt] Kids, adults, and even notable celebrities are getting into the act. [L.A. Lakers player Kobe Bryant is shown pulling on his jersey. The news studio comes to view again.] But as Faith Hilling is more and more popular, the question on everyone's mind, who will be the first to die doing it?
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The boys, along with the rest of the forth graders, are in a wooden room, being lectured by Professor Lamont.
Lamont: I have been sent here because you children are playing with fire! [the children are listening to him, Cartman has a bored look] Faith Hilling is nothing more than an evolution of Bradying. From football quarterback to football singer.
Cartman: Oh, please. Bradying is so 2000 and late.
Lamont: [lowers the projector screen] I know you all think what you're doing is new and hip and cool. But the truth is memeing has been around a long time. We're gonna watch a film strip now, that's a little dated but I think it gets the point across. [turns the projector on to start the film]
Scene Description: Warbly muzak is heard, as the film, 'BLOODY SUNDAY: The Dangers of MEMEING', begins. A man with an old style hair is sitting in a classroom with a outdated TV and a poster for the computer club which has a picture of an old computer.
Speaker: For many young people today taking pictures in silly poses becomes a dangerous past time. The latest meme has also become the most deadly. It's called Tebowing [The caption TEBOWING appears in the middle of the screen].
Scene Description: Residential area. Two boys are walking towards a grassy area leading to the railroad tracks. One of the boys has an iPhone in his hands.
Speaker: [offscreen] This is Ryan and Barkley. They're about to learn how dangerous Tebowing can be.
Ryan: Here is a good place. I'll do it right here.
Barkley: I don't know, Ryan. You sure this is a good idea? [Ryan walks onto a railway]
Ryan: Stop being a scaredy-cat. It will just take a second. How could I get hurt? [kneels down and puts his right elbow on his right knee, closing his eyes as well as pinching his nose bridge]
Barkley: Okay, hold still. [puts up his iPhone. A train horn is heard.] What's that?
Ryan: A traaain! AAAAAA! [Barkley and Ryan continue to scream and look around while staying in the same position. The train is still off in the distance.]
Barkley: RYAN!
Ryan: No, no! Nooo!
Barkley: AAAA!!!
Ryan: AAAA!!!No, no, no, no, noooo!
Barkley: AAAA!!![The train finally comes at full force and hits Ryan, severing him in half and covering Barkley in blood.]
Scene Description: South Park Elementary. Butters covers his face after seeing what just happened while the rest of the class is unfazed.
Butters: AAAA!!!
Scene Description: Residential area. Barkley, covered in blood, stands at the railroad tracks and looks down in horror at Ryan's severed body
Barkley: RYAN!
Ryan: Learn from me.[dies]
Scene Description: Secluded area, nighttime. A young couple is sitting in a parked car.
Woman 1: This sure is a nice car, Tommy. [raises her iPhone] Would you like to get a picture of me Tebowing in it?
Tommy: Sure. [gets the iPhone to take her picture. As the woman poses, the train's headlight appears in the distance and its horn is heard.] What is that?
Woman 1: Oh my God! It's coming!
Tommy: God, no! [he exits the car while she continues Tebowing inside, revealing that they parked on the railroad track] Aahh! No, no!
Woman 1: [scared] Tommy, d-did you get the picture?
Tommy: Oh no, wait! Hold on! [hurriedly presses on the iPhone, then gets ready to take the picture]
Woman 1: Hurry, hurry!
Tommy: AAAAA! [attempts to take the picture as the train comes closer]
Woman 1: AAAAA! [The train finally comes at full force and crushes the car as Tommy runs off. Her bloody, severed head then lands onto a dirt field next to the track and her mouth opens, letting out an audible scream] Aaah!
Scene Description: South Park Elementary. Butters screams out in horror again while the rest of the class is still unfazed.
Butters: AAAA!!!
Scene Description: A man wearing a yellow and red-stripped jacket and round sunglasses is looking upward and talking to his friend while holding an iPhone.
Man 1: Be careful up there, Pete.
Pete: [Tebowing on top of a wall with graffiti in a residential area] Just go on and take the picture. [the wall is suddenly destroyed by a train, killing Pete and knocking his friend down, before he quickly gets up and looks on in horror.]
Scene Description: South Park Elementary. Butters screams out and covers his face again. Cartman now looks bored, while the rest of the class is still unfazed.
Butters: AAAA!!!
Scene Description: The speaker in the old-fashioned classroom is shown.
Speaker: These youths paid with their lives for Tebowing. When they posed for pictures they should have remembered there are only three approved memes: peace signs [puts his index and middle fingers up], bunny ears [raises his arm while keeping the previous gesture] and fake wiener [turns his body sideways, bends his left arm and leg] Maybe you think this doesn't apply to you. Maybe you think your memes are safe. Or maybe you're watching this in the future and Tebowing has been replaced by some other meme. Well, if you are watching his in the future, [a blue screen comes to view while the following words of the speaker gets typed] get off your flying cellphone scooters and THINK. Just remember-
Scene Description: A photo of three teenagers from the 1980s standing outside under a tree is shown while the following lines are sung
Singers: Use the approved poses if you want to be a memer. Peace signs! [A male teenager with a sweater and mustache puts his right middle and index fingers up in a V-shape] Bunny ears! [A female teenager smiles while putting her middle and index fingers in a V-shape behind the head of the previous male teenager] Fake wiener! [A male teenager wearing a neon colored windbreaker turns his body sideways and bends his left arm and leg]
Scene Description: South Park Elementary. The fourth graders come out, almost all having concerned looks on their faces. Stan, Kyle, Kenny, Cartman and Butters walk together.
Cartman: [yawns] Oh, God. That was boring.
Kenny: (Totally!)
Kyle: So, what do you want to do now?
Cartman: Well, there is the nice French café downtown. Maybe we should get some Faith Hilling pictures there.
Stan: Oh, that's a good idea.
Butters: What?! You mean you guys still plan on Faith Hilling after what we just saw?
Cartman: Butters, Faith Hilling defines our generation.
Butters: Well, count me out.
Kyle: You're gonna give up on Faith Hilling just like that, Butters? How could you?
Butters: Well, I'm scared. [Craig shows up]
Craig: Hey, did you see today's newspaper?
Cartman: Why would we look at a newspaper, retard?
Craig: You guys made the front page.
Cartman: Really? [the boys excitedly run, except for Butters]
Scene Description: The boys run in a liquor store.
Stan: Dude, we are on the front page!
Cartman: Yes!
Kenny: (Yeah, dude!)
Stan: Can we get a different pose, please? [hands the clerk two dollars and gets the paper]
Cartman: What's it say, what's it say?
Stan: It says... Oh, oh no. It says Faith Hilling is now all like 2000-late.
Cartman: What? Let me see that. [the newspaper has Cartman's pictured and a headline 'Faith Hilling so 2,000 late']
Kyle: How can that be? Already?
Stan: [reads the newspaper] Public reaction was the stunt pulled off by five elementary school students was not only dangerous and disruptive but also completely passé.
Kyle: How can we be passé? We're only in 4th grade.
Stan: [continues reading] "Faith Hilling is pretty stale," said Republican candidate Newt Gingrich. "If they had crashed the debate by Taylor Swifting that would have been impressive."
Cartman: Taylor Swifting? What the fuck is that?
Scene Description: Cartman's computer screen. Various people sitting on their bare butts with their hands down between their legs are shown. Cartman is in front of the computer, with Stan and Kyle on his both sides and Kenny behind him.
Stan: That's all it is? [Kenny moves to the left-hand side]
Cartman: You pull down your pants and wipe your butt on the ground like an old dog. [shows three other guys' pictures]
Kyle: But that's stupid. [Kenny moves to the right-hand side] How can that replace Faith Hilling? It doesn't even make any sense.
Cartman: I can't believe people take the time to do this garbage. [shows a couple of more pictures] This has to be stopped, you guys.
Scene Description: Outside Café Monet, day. A boy is Taylor Swifting in front of the café. Two girls and a boy watch him as the boy pictures him with his iPhone.
Boy 1: [giggles] Okay. Hold it there. Okay. That's good, don't move. [the iPhone screen is shown as Cartman photobombs while Faith Hilling.]
Cartman: How is this Kyle? This good? [the boy moves away a bit. The other kids are stunned. The boys stand next to them, Kyle having an iPhone in his hands]
Kyle: Yep, that's great. [glances at the other kids]
Cartman: [continues moving as the other boy tries to get past him] Cool, these will be good uploads.
Boy 2: Hey, what are you doing?
Cartman: Faith Hilling. Why don't you get the fuck out of here?
Boy 1: Oh God. Faith Hilling is so February 2012.
Stan: Saying something is so 2000 and anything is so 2009, you stupid ass wipe.
Boy 2: [starts to crawl away] Come on guys. It's not worth it. We can do our Taylor Swifting somewhere else. [Cartman continues to cover his view] [to Cartman] Knock it off!
Cartman: Why don't you make me? [the boy punches him, Cartman responds by hitting him on the ground. Stan and Kyle begin to punch Boy 1 while Kenny attacks the girls.]
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The boys are in the wooden classroom again. Professor Lamont brings in a box, then pulls a gun out of it. He loads it with a bullet while the fourth graders bewilderingly watch him.
Lamont: Yesterday afternoon four kids went to the hospital for injuries resulting from memeing in front of a local cafe. [the boys glance at each other] Faith Hilling, Taylor Swifting. These are things that will get you killed! [puts the gun on Butters' desk] That's a loaded .38. How many of you think it's a smart idea to put a loaded .38 on a 9-year-old's desk? Well, if safety doesn't matter to you go ahead, pick the gun up.
Butters: Oh, that's okay. I think...
Lamont: Pick the gun up! You might as well. Swifting and Hilling is like playing with a loaded gun! Do you all understand my point?
Kids: Yes, sir.
Lamont: Good. Now put the gun in your mouth.
Butters: HA?!
Lamont: Hey! You're following plankers and Tebowers, so put a loaded gun in your mouth! DO IT! [Butters hesitantly puts the gun in his mouth] Everybody take a good look. [points to Butters] This is what you're doing every time you play with Internet memes. YOU ARE PLAYING ROULETTE WITH YOUR FUCKING LIVE! [A hawk is heard offscreen. Two men enter the classroom.]
Man 2: Professor Lamont, we need to talk.
Lamont: I will be right back. [leaves the classroom]
Scene Description: The gym. The two men are seated at a table, pulling out files out of their briefcases.
Man 2: You're an expert on memes, Professor Lamont.
Lamont: Yes, what is this about? [puts his bag on the table]
Man 3: We need your expertise, sir.
Man 2: Have you ever heard of another species, memeing on the Internet?
Lamont: Another species? What are you talking about?
Man 3: We were hoping perhaps you could help us understand... [types on his laptop] this. [turns around the laptop. Professor Lamont puts on his reading glasses to look at the screen, which shows various cats with breads around their heads.] Cats have started to put pictures of themselves on the Internet, with bread around their heads. Cat breading, it's called. It's just such an odd thing to do, we thought would you explain it to us.
Lamont: They're evolving. Cats are evolving. [moves the cursor down to see more pictures]
Man 3: Sorry?
Lamont: There are two ways a species evolves. Physically from genes and culturally from memes. Just like genes, memes replicate, mutate and adapt.
Man 2: We're having a hard time following you here.
Lamont: [opens a book] Look. In the 70s there was fonzing. [the book page has two people's pictures with their thumbs up] Which replaced the outdated mustaching. [a guy with his index finger above his lips] In the 60s cultural ideas were passed on by everybody poodle-fisting. [people raising their fists up to the sky] But even that evolved from people ass wedging in the 40s. [the Nazis doing their trademark salute] Even before photographs humans memed for portraits. All the way back to the Egyptians who had pictures painted of themselves donkey ticking. [an Ancient Egypt painting]
Man 2: You are saying cats are showing signs of evolution with their cat breading meme?
Lamont: [walks to the front] If they're putting slices of bread on their heads and taking pictures, [takes his glasses off] they're proving to be almost as intelligent as we are. [dramatic music plays]
Scene Description: The wooden classroom. The only person left there is Butters, who still has the gun in his mouth. He looks around for a moment, then looks down to the gun again.
Scene Description: The Cartman house, day. Mr. Kitty is sleeping over her cat tree. The boys come in, Cartman has a laptop in his hands, which shows a picture of Mr. Kitty cat breading.
Cartman: Mr. Kitty, do you mind explaining this? [Mr. Kitty looks at him] You wanna tell me why you're putting pictures of yourself on the Internet with bread around your face? This is a bad kitty. Bad! You're taking the idea of Faith Hilling and making it stupid. Bad kitty. [closes his laptop and approaches Mr. Kitty] Bad Mr. Kitty. [Cartman hits Mr. Kitty with a stick. Mr. Kitty hisses, then paws at him.] Bad kitty! No more memeing! [walks away] Come on, guys. [the boys walk out of the room. Cartman turns his back to scold his cat again] Bad Mr. Kitty!
Scene Description: The boys come out of Cartman's house.
Stan: Well, I'm glad we took care of that.
Kyle: Yeah, what do you guys wanna do now?
Cartman: I was thinking of maybe Faith Hilling at the place they do AA meeting.
Stan: That's a cool idea
Kenny: [sighs] (Oh, fuck it, dude.) [walks away]
Kyle: W-what's the matter, Kenny?
Kenny: (I don't know. That seems quite pointless.)
Stan: What seems pointless?
Kenny: (Hey, just accept Faith Hilling is out of style!)
Kyle: Hey! [the boys approach Kenny] Faith Hilling is not out of style, alright?
Kenny: (Well,... ...and I can't take any of that!)
Stan: No, no, no! These stupid fads are only that, okay? We can't give in to this crap.
Cartman: Don't give up on Faith Hilling, Kenny. Don't you give up on her.
Scene Description: Breaking News.
Reporter: Two Boulder children died today while Oh Long Johnsoning in a battling cage. Oh Long Johnsonning is of course the latest Internet meme which involves putting oneself in a risky situation and then seeing how many times you can say "Oh Long Johnson" on video before getting out of the way.
Scene Description: A camera recording, showing a batting cage. A teenager comes in
Boy 3: You ready, you ready?
Boy 4: [offscreen] I'm recording, go.
Boy 3: [the machine throws balls. The boy stands in front of them] Oh Long Johnson. Oh Long Johnson. O-Oh Long- [gets hit by a ball]
Boy 4: Larry!
Reporter: This latest Internet meme is shocking. But most shocking of all is the person who started the meme isn't a person at all, but a cat who seems to have no regard for people's safety.
Scene Description: A video of a black cat moaning.
Cat: Oh Long Johnson. Oh Long Johnson. Oh Long Johnson.
Reporter: The cat is now under arrest and awaiting trial for its part in the teenager's death.
Scene Description: Café Monet, day. Stan crawls in, Taylor Swifting.
Stan: Oh Long Johnson. Oh Long Johnson.
Boy 1: [his fellows are standing besides him. He has an iPhone in his hands] Yeah, that's good. Now go back the other way.
Stan: [continues to crawl around] Oh Long Johnson, Oh Long- [he is confronted by Stan, Kyle and Kenny]
Cartman: Dude, what's going on?
Stan: Oh, hey, guys. How's it going? [hurriedly puts his pants on]
Kyle: We thought you were meeting us at Cartman's. What are you doing here, Taylor Swifting?
Boy 1: He's not Taylor Swifting, that's old stuff.
Stan: Yeah, now you're doing to see how many times you can say Oh Long Johnson. I thought just, you know, try it out.
Cartman: Guys, remember when we heard about that pollack with one testicle in the revolutionary war? What was his name?
Kyle: Benedict Arnold. [the three boys walk away]
Stan: Oh, come on. You guys need to realize that Faith Hilling is over, okay? [the boys stop] You can pretend all you want, but it's not coming back. [Kenny looks down]
Kyle: Kenny?
Kenny: [approaches Stan and the other boys] (I'm sorry guys. Faith Hilling is just a stupid fad, right?)
Boy 1: If you guys wanna keep Faith Hilling, I'm sure people are still doing it at the old folks home. [he and his friends walk away]
Stan: You will like this, Kenny. Pull down your pants. [Kenny pulls down his pants and starts crawling on his butt.]
Kyle: You guys are sellouts.
Cartman: [holds him] Come on, Kyle.
Kyl: You're freaking sellouts!
Cartman: It's okay, man, come on.
Scene Description: An interrogation room. The two men from the gym stand behind Professor Lamont.
Lamont: What the hell do you think you're doing? Do you have any idea when you play with memes you're playing with fire? [the black cat is kept in a cage]
Cat: Oh Long Johnson.
Lamont: Oh, very funny. People are dying out there. Is that what you want?
Cat: Oh Long Jeeea-
Lamont: You cats want a war? Because that's what you're going to get!
Cat: Oh oh oh.
Scene Description: A news reporter speaking.
Reporter 2: Long ago there was tebowing, which evolved into Faith Hilling. But the latest memeing craze, Swift-Johnsoning, may now also have its rival. [walks to a railway] A brand new meme, where people video themselves wearing trench coats and talking about the dangers of memeing. They call it "reporting". And safety officials say that it's dangerous and potentially fatal. [train horn] Oh! Oh Long Johnson. Oh Long Johnson. [gets hit by the train]
Scene Description: The wooden classroom, night. Butters is still sitting there with gun in his mouth, but now he's quite drowsy and barely keeps himself awake.
Scene Description: Cartman is Faith Hilling in front of a Planned Parenthood Clinic.
Kyle: [has an iPhone in his hands] Yeah, yeah, that's cool. Bring the left titty out some more. [Cartman raises his left hand a bit] Yeah, yeah freeze there. [a man comes into view with his little son]
Little Boy: What are those boys doing, daddy?
Dad: Oh, I think they're Faith Hilling, Bobby. It's a little before your time.
Little Boy: How droll. [The man and boy leave the scene. Cartman and Kyle look down for a moment]
Cartman: Get a couple facing the other way, brah. [turns the other way]
Kyle: Yeah, good idea. [a doctor comes out of the clinic]
Doctor: Hey, you kids Faith Hilling in front of my clinic? 'Cause I got a couple of patients in here that could use a good time machine. [giggles] Get it? [goes back to his clinic. A man with a car sounds his horn]
Man 4: Go back to the 90s! Faggooots!
Kyle: [approaches Cartman] We have to face it, Cartman.
Cartman: I know. I know Kyle. [stops lifting his "nipples" up]
Kyle: I really thought it was gonna last.
Cartman: I guess the only thing that doesn't change in life... is that things change. [starts crying] The sun hurts my eyes. [wipes away his tears]
Kyle: It wasn't like Faith Hilling was that great. I mean-
Cartman: No, no. It was kind of stupid, really.
Kyle: I-It's good that it became something else.
Cartman: And we'll have a blast doing the new stuff. [both of them sigh]
Scene Description: Breaking News.
Reporter: Household cats have evolved into a species as intelligent as humans. Will this mean war between our two life forms? In an attempt to try and communicate with the leader of cats, experts have sent in the ambassador of people.
Scene Description: The interrogation room.
Ambassador: Hello.
Cat: Oh Long Johnson.
Ambassador: Meow, meow.
Cat: Oh Long Johnson.
Ambassador: Long Johnson.
Cat: Oh Long Johnson.
Ambassador: Oh Long Johnson.
Cat: Oh- Oh Don Piano.
Ambassador: Oh Don Piano.
Cat: Oh Long Johnson.
Ambassador: Oh Don Piaaano.
Cat: Oh Long Jon-Jon-Johnson.
Ambassador: Oh Lala Lionde. Oh Long John- Don Piano. Don Piaaaano.
Scene Description: The ambassador comes out of the room. The two men and Professor Lamont is waiting him outside.
Cat: Oh Long Johnson. [the ambassador closes the door]
Ambassador: I'm not sure but I think it said war between our species is inevitable, that evolution cannot be stopped and cats will rise. It said we cannot coexist and then said oh don piaaano and then and then something about seeing the streets of human cities running red with the blood of their children.
Scene Description: An iPhone screen, camera app on. Cartman pulls up Mr. Kitty, who now has a bread around his head.
Stan: [has the iPhone in his hands, while Kyle and Kenny stand next to him] Okay, that's good, a little higher.
Cartman: [he is doing a combination of Taylor Swifting and Cat Breading] Okay, cool. I'm gonna go left to right, is that good?
Kyle: Yeah, that's awesome.
Stan: OK, whenever you're ready.
Mr. Kitty: Meow.
Cartman: No, kitty, you have to be quiet.
Mr. Kitty: Meow.
Cartman: No kitty! That's a bad kitty! [Boy 1 and his friends come over]
Boy 1: Wow, what's this?
Kyle: What, you been living under a rock? This is the new meme, Cat Taylor Swift Reporting.
Stan: Alright, go Cartman.
Cartman: [begins to crawl while holding Mr. Kitty] Taylor Swift is dangerous. Taylor Swift is dangerous!
Girl 1: That's pretty cool.
Stan: Yeah, that's cool. It's awesome.
Kyle: It's super awesome.
Cartman: Yeah, yeah, we got it down, you guys. Think we're ready for the big time.
Mr. Kitty: Meow, meow.
Cartman: SHUT UP, KITTY!
Scene Description: The conference room. A reporter is giving his speech.
Reporter 3: With the inevitable species war looming, our country's brightest leaders have come together to debate and reason with the ambassador of cats. It's called putty-whistling. And the question on everyone's mind... Who will be the first person to die from it? [Rick, Mitt, Newt and the cat are standing behind their lecterns.]
Mitt: W-well, you know, I ran for president four years ago. This was the position I described when I ran four years ago...
Rick: If you wanna be an American the first thing you should do is respect-
Newt: To ask a very simple question. How big of a scale of change do we want in Washington.
Cat: Oh Long Johnson.
Newt: I started working in the governor wing in 1974.
Cat: [Rick and Newt talk] Oh Long Johnson. Oh Long Johnson. Oh Long Piaano.
Newt: I'm gonna say two things...
Cat: Oh Long Johnson.
Mitt: I have five sons, five daughters in law, sixteen grand kids, and they're the joy of my life.
Cat: Oh Lalalonde.
Newt: I was wrong when I figured it out. You were wrong when you didn't.
Cat: Oh Long Johnson.
Rick: It's, It's not the most attractive thing to go out there and say, look it took me ten or twelve years to figure out it was wrong-
Stan: [the debate goes on. The camera pans to Stan, again in the audience] Fox trot standing by at position alpha.
Kyle: Copy, Fox trot, let's fly in the goods Tango.
Scene Description: Kenny is in the bathroom. He pulls out Mr. Kitty from the toilet tank.
Kenny: (This is Tango. I have the goods.)
Stan: Standing by in three seconds.
Scene Description: Cartman is waiting behind a purple curtain.
Kyle: Two, one. Go Cartman!
Cartman: Let's do this. [he runs to the hallway, where Kenny hands him Mr. Kitty. He goes to the stage with Mr. Kitty, and pulls down his pants as Stan is ready to record him. He then stops, thinking.]
Kyle: Cartman? Go, Cartman.
Stan: Come on, dude. Hurry.
Cartman: [softly] No. NOO! [puts his pants back on] I won't do it. I won't do it, you hear me! I'm better than this. [puts down Mr. Kitty] And to hell with you, Mr. Kitty. You're a bad kitty! Bad, bad kitty! It's time somebody stood up, and did the right thing. [he turns sideways and snaps his fingers a few times, then pulls up his shirt, Faith Hilling.]
Kyle: [observing him though a computer] Yeah. Do it, Cartman.
Cartman: [music begins to play] Alright, football night, what do you do? Get out your camera and a boobie or two.
Stan: Wow!
Cartman: We gotta get serious while we're in our prime.
Man 5: Have you ever seen Faith Hilling so good?
Cartman: Come on everybody, It's Faith Hilling time. [the audience and Rick, Mitt and Newt join him] Dancin', rappin', titties flappin' where are you? This is the only memeing I'll ever do.
Cat: Oh Long Johnson.
Cartman: Is a meme I will fight [Stan is joined by Kyle and Kenny in the audience. Butters is in the wooden classroom dancing to the song, yet still has the gun in his mouth] 'Cause I'm Faith Hilling 'til the day that I die.
Reporter 3: And so in the face of war a little boy reminds us all what being human really means. The message is unclear. But it doesn't matter as long as you give the audience a song, celebrity bashing, and Republican hopefuls dancing around with boobies. It's called pandering and all over the country people are- [train horn] Oh! Oh Long Johns- [gets hit by the train]


Scene Description: The Broflovski house, morning. Kyle, who has just woken up, comes out of his room yawning. He walks to the kitchen and begins to prepare cereal for himself.
Sheila: [talking to someone] Yes, yes, this whole coming week is the Jewish holiday of Passover. Yes, it's all about how Moses led the Hebrews out of Egypt. Very good! So on Friday, all Jewish people will celebrate Passover with a seder dinner. [Kyle takes his bowl and heads to the dining table] Because God commanded the Jews to only eat bread that hasn't been given yeast to rise.[he walks past the living room, where Cartman and Sheila are shown talking]
Cartman: Wow, that's so cool. And so then Passover lasts seven days?
Sheila: Yes, yes, one week from seder dinner on Friday to the next Friday.
Cartman: Interesting, and why is it called Passover again? [Kyle stops and starts listening]
Sheila: Well, because in ancient Egypt, God passed over the houses marked with the blood of a lamb. [Kyle rushes to the entrance]
Cartman: So interesting, wow. [he and Sheila are drinking tea]
Kyle: [to Cartman, angrily] Get out of here.
Cartman: Oh, hey, Kyle.
Kyle: Get. Outta here! [points his finger to the left]
Cartman: Well, I better be going. Thanks so much Ms. Broflovski, I learned a ton.
Sheila: Well, you're very welcome.
Kyle: [walks to him] What are you gonna do?
Cartman: Isn't it possible I just want to learn more about the Jewish faith?
Kyle: No?
Cartman: Alright, Kyle, listen. [comes forward with Kyle, then sighs] Legends tell of a horrific four legged creature from Mexico that sucks the blood of goats, and it might have just spotted in South Park.
Kyle: What does that have to do with Passover?
Cartman: All I can promise you is that this is going to be the most memorable Passover ever. [Cartman announces the special within the episode] "Cartman's Passover Holiday Special", starring, THE JEWPACABRA! [creepy music plays]
Scene Description: A large green park in a sunny day. People are decorating the park for Easter while children are on the line for Kids' Egg Hunt Signup
Attendant: Alright, next please. Signing up for the Easter egg hunt? [Stan is in the front of the line]
Butters: [at the middle of the line] Hoh da lolly! This is gonna be so much fun!
Craig: Yeah, I can't wait for Sunday.
Kenny: (Me, too.)
Cartman: [anxious] Yeah, yeah, it should be a real blast, heh. I just hope Jewpacabra doesn't show up, that's all.
Craig: Jewpa what?
Cartman: Jewpaca- look, it's nothing. Forget I said anything.
Craig: Okay. [to Token and Kenny] So anyways, are they saying what time the event starts?
Cartman: Okay, look: A lot of people claim that on Passover, a blood sucking creature called the Jewpacabra comes out and preys on children. This year passover happens to be the same week as Easter.
Butters: You mean it's like, like a monster?
Cartman: It's just a legend, alright?! But people all over town have started reported strange things. Knocked over trash cans, weird howls...
Token: Nuh-uh!
Cartman: [angrily points at him] Yeah-uh, Token! Don't think it won't come after you just because you're black!
Clyde: [offscreen] You guys, check this out! [Butters, Kenny, Craig and Token go there to take a look. On the ground lies a dead bird.]
Cartman: [keeps the boys away] Alright, alright, stay back. Stay back! It definitely looks like a Jewpacabra attack, but it's hard to tell.
Butters: AAAAAAHHH! [scared as hell, flees]
Cartman: Alright guys, we're gonna need some video cameras. We gotta go out at night and try to get proof of this thing.
Kyle: Alright, alright! Knock it off! Stop spreading lies.
Cartman: I'm trying to protect people. And why are you so quick to try and cover up Jewpacabra's existence?
Kyle: I looked on the known species webpage. There's no animal called a 'Jewpacabra' mentioned anywhere.
Cartman: Well, neither is Bigfoot, Kyle, but there are a lot of people who say they have spotted a Sasquatch.
Kyle: [sighs] If someone says they saw a Sasquatch, they are either lying or they are stupid. Now stop lying about a Jewpacabra before stupid people start believing you!
Scene Description: Butters in his bedroom, night. There is thunder and he is indeed scared a lot.
Butters: Lu lu lu, lu... N-no such thing as J-Jewpacabra. People made it up. [a loud peal of thunder] It's - that's okay. Even if there was a J-Jewpacabra it couldn't get in my r-room anyways.
Cartman: [standing on his bed with camera kit attached to him] Butters.
Butters: AAAAAHHH!
Cartman: Come on, Butters, you and me are gonna try to catch Jewpacabra on camera.
Butters: No, it's a school night!
Cartman: Butters, do you know how many times Jewpacabra has been shot on video? Zee-ro! [Butters stammers a bit] I can't do this alone, please. Help me prove to the rest of the world Jewpacabra is real.
Scene Description: A camera recording with a green filter. Butters and Cartman, both equipped as cameramen now, are hunting for a Jewpacabra in the forest. Their faces appear distorted in close-up shots.
Cartman: Look at these dense trees and brush. Oh yeah, this is exactly the kind of forest Jewpacabra likes to hide in.
Butters: You think Jewpacabra is here?
Cartman: Pretty sure Jewpacabra was here.
Butters: Oh good. Maybe we scared it off?
Cartman: You can't scare a Jewpacabra, Butters. Don't forget we're dealing with a creature that drinks blood, hides in the night and has absolutely no belief in the divinity of Christ. [a rustle comes through the bush] Did you hear that? I'm going to try a Jewpacabra mating call now. NO CHRIST! NO CHRIST! I'M REALLY NOT BUYING THIS WHOLE CHRIST THING! [to Butters] He's here somewhere.
Butters: Oh God, I'm scared.
Cartman: JESUS IS A LIE!
Butters: Eric, stop it!
Cartman: Shh! Help me call it out, Butters.
Butters: I'm not saying Jesus is a lie!
Cartman: Butters, do you wanna catch Jewpacabra on camera or not?! [Butters thinks] THERE IS NO CHRIST!
Butters: Jesus is a lie?
Cartman: No way Jesus was son of God, huh, Butters?
Butters: Nope. I don't think... Christ has any basis in reality.
Cartman: Sh! You hear that?
Butters: Oh, hamburgers.
Scene Description: Sooper Foods, day. The president is speaking to someone while three of his employees stand behind him.
President: We started Sooper Foods to give people a place to buy groceries that was fun and safe. We are not canceling our Easter Egg hunt because of some wild story!
Cartman: I didn't think you would believe me. And that why last night I took it upon myself to go out and try to capture it on video. [connects his video camera to the TV] What I'm about to show you is the first video ever shot of a Jewpacabra. [moves away a bit] And you're the first to see it. [the video shot of Butters and Cartman from last night is played on the TV] This is just after 8 p.m. First we heard rustling in the bushes. Then a strange, animal-like scurrying sound. That's when we saw, this. [pauses] 'Kay wait for it, wait for it, wait for it... wait for it... wait for... [an abrupt rustle] right there! Did you see the Jewpacabra? I know, it's so shocking it takes a minute for your brain to process what it's seeing. Watch again. [plays that moment again] Wait for it... wait... there! [pauses to show the motion blurred animal that moves between bushes] Jewpacabra. There's a Jewpacabra in South Park. God help us.
Employee 1: That wasn't a dog?
Cartman: It was no dog. I was there, I'm telling you this thing had no idea that Jesus Christ had died for our sins.
Employee 2: What?
Cartman: I can try to catch it, but I'm going to need all the resources you've got. If this thing isn't contained, your Easter Egg hunt is going to be a bloodbath. [the president walks to the window. Employee 1 follows him]
Employee 1: Mr. Billings?
Mr. Billings: [sighs] There's two things that separate Sooper Foods from all the other grocery stores: Fun and safety. What do you think, Peters? What are the chances that this 'Jewpacabra' is real?
Peters: I'm estimating somewhere around .000000001%.
Mr. Billings: [deep sigh] We can't afford to take that chance. Get this kid whatever he needs.
Scene Description: Three helicopters of Sooper Foods are flying. Cartman, Mr. Billings and the third employee from the previous scene are in one of them. Cartman has a map in his hands.
Mr. Billings: So where are we heading first?
Cartman: We need to get to the city of Nassau in the Bahamas, here. [points on the map]
Mr. Billings: The Bahamas?
Cartman: That's right. There's a resort near there called 'The Atlantis Hotel and Casino'. They have a water slide there that goes through a shark tank.
Scene Description: Cartman is slinding through a temple-shaped water slide, going through a shark tank.
Cartman: Weeeeeee! Oh yes! Oolll! Check it out! Heheyeahehe! [drops in a pool, then comes out]
Scene Description: The three helicopters are heading for somewhere else. Cartman has a towel around his neck and is drying himself with a handkerchief as well as holding the map.
Mr. Billings: Where to now?
Cartman: Now we head back to Colorado, here. [points on the map] We need to get my video of the Jewpacabra into the hands of professionals who can analyze it.
Scene Description: Bigfoot Field Researchers Organization. Cartman leads Mr. Billings and his two employees to the building but is confronted by a pissed off Kyle.
Kyle: Would you stop scaring everyone with your dumb ass myth!
Cartman: People thought Atlantis was a myth, Kyle, but I was just there. I've explored the depths of Atlantis, and now I'm about to prove a new species exists. I'm a little James Cameron.
Kyle: These people aren't going to prove anything. To believe any of this you either have to be a liar, or stupid.
Cartman: These are professional people who go around tracking Sasquatches, Kyle! They aren't liars, and they aren't stupid!
Scene Description: Four dumb looking cryptozoologists are examining Cartman's video in their laboratory
Matt: Look at its trajectory. It heads directly to the right. [highlights the blurred image of the supposed Jewpacabra]
Cliff: It can't be human it's too low to the ground. What do you think, Bobo?
Bobo: Bobo thinks scary!
Matt: It's definitely something. I'm thinking a Sasquatch.
Cliff: It's not big enough to be a Squatch.
Matt: So it's a baby Squatch?
Cliff: That's what I'm thinking.
Cartman: I've already done my research boys. What you're looking at there is a Jewpacabra.
Matt: Jewpacabra?
Cartman: It's like a Sasquatch, only more elusive, more ferocious and a little more greedy.
Bobo: Oh, Jewpacabra, that sounds scary!
Cliff: But it makes total sense. If we rule out a human and a baby Sasquatch, Jewpacabra is all we really have left.
Cartman: Well, I guess that's it. You're going to have to only allow me into the Easter Egg hunt, sir. I'm the only one qualified.
Mr. Billings: All the kids will be so disappointed.
Bobo: Whoa, look at this! I just did the heatie thermal thingie to the video! It's all orangie! [the image of Jewpacabra is colored in orange]
Cliff: But it's supposed to be all yellow-y. My God! This really is proof of a Jewpacabra!
Cartman: Heh. What do you mean? [he is stunned]
Cliff: We've never seen this before! It really is true!
Cartman: Well, I mean it could have just been a dog?
Matt: No it's impossible. Look at the zoomy in. If I drop image of a dog next to it... [drops an cut-out image of a dog] That thing is way to big to be a dog. And check out the thermals coming off of it.
Bobo: That's the thermals. They make a proof and the thermals!
Matt: That's right, Bobo. Whatever this thing is it's mean and angry as hell.
Cartman: Well, come on guys, it's probably a Jewpacabra but this isn't definitive.
Matt: I'll tell you one thing, kid, you're pretty brave.
Cartman: Why?
Cliff: 'Cause you took the video of this thing. It's not gonna like that.
Matt: If it is a Jewpacabra, he's gonna be coming after you. [Cartman is scared a lot. Creepy music plays]
Scene Description: Cartman's room, night. He is in his bed, frightened a lot, mimicing Butters' scene.
Cartman: There's... no way. No way Jewpacabra is real. [loud thunder] Those, those cryptozoologists don't know what they're talking about. They just... they just gave me a case of the Hebrew jeebies that's all... Eh, eaah. [quickly makes a call with his cellphone] Hey. Jewpacabra can't be real, right? Tell me again why it can't be real? [Kyle is listening to him in his bed with his eyes half-closed] I mean, it's impossible that something I made up could turn out to actually exist, huh, Kyle?
Kyle: What are you doing?
Cartman: Okay, okay. Even if there was a Jewpacabra, it wouldn't know I was the one who got video of it, huh? How could it know that? It couldn't know that, right? Kyle? [Kyle hangs up and goes back to sleep. His phone rings again, causing him so throw it to the wall.]
Scene Description: South Park Church, night. The church is decorated for Easter. Cartman is alone there, sitting on one of the pews. He is singing with a shaky voice as well as holding a rosary.
Cartman: Jesus loves me this I know 'Cause Republicans tell me so Little ones God will protect 'Cause letting kids be harmed is child neglect [speaks on his radio] Everything still clear out there?
Scene Description: Butters, Craig and Token are guarding the church. They have a shotgun, a bat and a flashlight respectively.
Cartman: [voice only] Guys?!
Butters: It's all quiet out front, Eric.
Cartman: Well, check everywhere! I'm not paying you guys each twenty bucks to scratch your buttholes!
Butters: He says he's not payin' us to scratch our buttholes. [a boom breaks out. The three boys take to their heels, screaming]
Cartman: [in the church] What? What was that? Butters? Token?! [the door is forced] Oh Jesus Christ! You guys?! Aghgh! [quickly hides between the candle stands] You guys?! GUYS!
Butters: [though the radio] Hey, Eric.
Cartman: It's trying to get in! Where the hell are you guys?
Butters: Well, we got scared so we're next door at Wingstreet. [he is definitely at Wingstreet, and Craig and Token are buying some meal]
Cartman: Wingstreet?!
Butters: Yeah, well it was the closest place to hide.
Cartman: Dude, I want wings! [there is some knocking on another door] Ahghgh!!! [it turns out to be Mr. Billings and his two employees.] Oh Jesus, it's only you!
Mr. Billings: Alright, grab him.
Cartman: HUH?!
Employee 3: You say the Jewpacabra hunts for anything Easter, and now it's looking for you. [the two employees take him away]
Scene Description: Cartman, in his Easter bunny costume, is chained to a rock in the park, holding a basket.
Cartman: Get me outta here! PLEASE! HEELP!
Mr. Billings: Look, we're sorry. But if it's you that Jewpacabra wants, we don't have a choice.
Cartman: OH GOD, IT'S GONNA KILL ME! [Employee 3 brushes his face with the blood of a chicken which is in the bucket he holds] What the-?
Mr. Billings: Just a little blood to try and draw it out. We just can't risk the creature showing up tomorrow. Our entire business is based on fun and safety.
Cartman: This isn't safe or fun!
Mr. Billing: Maybe it won't even show up. Maybe we'll all make it out of this okay? [a howl is heard] Oh fuck, we better get out of here. [Mr. Billings and his employees flee away]
Cartman: NO! COME BACK! Come back please, this isn't right!
Scene Description: The Broflovski house, night. The doorbell rings, Kyle gets the door. It it Mr. Billings and his employees.
Mr. Billings: Hello young man. Let me start off by saying Sooper Foods is absolutely not an anti-semitic company. [Kyle just looks] But... if your people do have a monster creature that feeds on Easter children, we just wanted to let you know there is a sacrifice for it in the park that is totally fun and safe to eat. Thank you. [the three walk away. Kyle looks behind them]
Scene Description: It is surely cold out there and snowing. Cartman is despairingly weeping and collecting the Easter eggs he can find. Kyle shows up, Cartman notices.
Cartman: [smiles] Kyle! Hey, Kyle! [Kyle looks at him with his eyes half-closed] I know what you're thinking, Kyle. That, like, this is some kind of fitting comeuppance.
Kyle: Admit you're lying, and I'll let you go.
Cartman: Oh, of course I was lying, Kyle. There's no Jewpacabra. Now, please, Kyle, it's Easter Eve! And if Jewpacabra smells this blood, I am in a heap of trouble! [Kyle frowns and walks away] No Kyle! No, wait! I'm sorry I couldn't help it! Kyle?! Please I'll give you money! I have lots of money! [softly] Oh God, what am I doing? [shouts] I mean, I mean, I don't have any money! I'm totally broke! [softly] Oh God, I am in a heap of trouble.
Scene Description: It's fullmoon and the snow has stopped. Cartman is still in the park, now sitting on the ground.
Cartman: It's so cool that even though I'm Christian I celebrate Passover too! Yup. I think both holidays are awesome. [he is peeked by a pair of red slanted eyes with a snoring effect.] I really sympathize with those Jews in Ancient Egypt! I really do! [the pair of eyes turn out to be binoculars used by Bobo.]
Cliff: What'dya think, Bobo?
Bobo: No doubt about it! It's a three foot tall bunny-man!
Matt: I told you! Bunny people must be a throwback to paleotardic times! Shoot it Bobo!
Bobo: Bobo shoot it! [he comes forward to aim, Cartman notices]
Cartman: Bobo?! Bobo, no! [Bobo fires a dart] Wha- [falls over]
Bobo: [dances cheerfully] Bobo got it! Bobo got the bunnymaaan!
Matt: Good shot, Bobo!
Cliff: Now what do we do?
Matt: I know. Let's go get a show about it on Animal Planet.
Cliff: Good idea. [they start walking] Wait wait wait wait. We're gonna need to take the evidence.
Bobo: Alright. [takes the dart gun] I got the evidence right here. The dart gun I shot the bunnyman with.
Matt: Alright! Come on, let's go!
Cartman: [seems to be having a dream] Ugh... what... where...
Scene Description: Cartman is shown in Ancient Egypt, dressed as a prince. A huge fly lands in front of him. He turns out to be in the middle of the biblical plagues.
Cartman: Ugh... what? [stands up] What's going on?
Man 1: The plagues! The plagues are upon us! Run!
Scene Description: It starts to rain frogs. Cartman runs away
Cartman: It's raining frogggggsss! [finds Kyle, who is clinbing to the roof of his house on a ladder] Kyle! Kyle, my Hebrew friend! Did you see that it's raining frogs?
Kyle: [bangs a nail into a piece of wood] Yes. It's because the Pharaoh won't give the Hebrews what we want! God is angry.
Cartman: So God makes it rain frogs? That just seems kind of mean to frogs, Kyle.
Kyle: That's how God is! And if Pharaoh doesn't give us what we want, next he's gonna kill all Egyptian first born boys!
Cartman: Wha- Okay, look, I'll talk to the Pharaoh and see if he'll change his mind.
Kyle: It doesn't matter. Because God is going to harden the Pharaoh's heart!
Cartman: What does that mean?
Kyle: It means Jehovah is going to use his powers to keep the Pharaoh from letting us go.
Cartman: Well that doesn't seem very fair, Kyle. I mean, if God is going to make Pharaoh say no, then why would he punish him for saying no?
Kyle: That's just how God is.
Cartman: You're wrong, Kyle! God is not a dick! [Kyle gets angry]
Scene Description: The Pharaoh is sitting in his balcony, seemingly in deep thought. Cartman approaches, then sits next to him.
Cartman: Daaad, when's it gonna stop raining frogs?
Pharaoh: It'll be okay, my son. The weather will clear.
Cartman: But my friend Kyle, he says that the reason we've had all these plagues and stuff because you won't let all the Jews leave.
Pharaoh: [sighs] It's a complicated political issue, my son. An economic social issue that needs time. We can't let them leave, but is it really all that different from when the north didn't let the confederate states leave the USA?
Cartman: Wow, that makes sense. Don't think anyone can deny that. [a bloody frog lands over the edge]
Pharaoh: Poor frogs. I feel so badly for them.
Cartman: But dad, my friend Kyle says that if we don't do whatever the Hebrews want us to do, God is gonna kill little Egyptian boys.
Pharaoh: Hah, I don't think God would do such a thing, little one. No matter what happens, we can't let ourselves believe in the Hebrew version of God. We believe in a just Lord who would never murder innocent children.
Cartman: I love you, dad.
Pharaoh: And I love you son. And our love grows.
Cartman: And our love grows
Both: And our love grows Like the mighty river of the Nileriver of the Nile See it flow We'll never be apart
Cartman: Have no fear, for God is near And God loves all his children [he pats a lamb, but it is taken away by Gerald] Huh? [Sheila slices the lamb's head] Nooooooo! [Sheila and Gerald apply the lamb's blood to their door. Kyle watches them] Kyle, why? What are you doing?
Kyle: This is what God told us to do!
Cartman: No, Kyle! I don't believe you!
Kyle: You'll see! [Cartman runs away but realizes other families are also doing it. He runs though the corpses of lambs]
Cartman: Noooo! [goes inside somewhere, but sees two kids with bloody eyes]
Kid 1: What's happening to us? [both of the kids puke blood and fall over]
Cartman: Noooooo! [runs past a mom and her child]
Child: Mom! Don't let God kill me! [his head explodes and his mom screams]
Cartman: Noooo! [he is confronted by a man]
Man 2: [holds out a flat sandwich] Care for a peanut butter and jelly sandwich?!
Cartman: No! The bread's all flat! No! [shoves the bread down and keeps running] Aaaaahhhh! [the Pharaoh has kneeled down. All children around him have their heads explode. Screaming and shouting can be heard in the background]
Pharaoh: Son! We were wrong! I WAS WRONG!
Cartman: We were wrong! I'm sorry God I'll be Jewish I promise! Please don't kill me! Don't kill me! Doooo...! [his head explodes, and the Pharaoh crys in despair]
Scene Description: Cartman is shown in reality again. He is in the park, unconscious.
Cartman: [sleeptalking] No! No! The bread is all flat! No!
Scene Description: The Broflovski house, night. Kyle is uncomfortable in his bed. He ultimately gets up and heads to the park with a blanket and bolt cutters. He frowns when he finds Cartman who is shaking and slowly saying to himself "Nooo... Nooo...". He puts the blanket on him and breaks the chains with the bolt cutters. He takes Cartman to his house, putting him in his bed and taking his shoes off. Touching music plays during these events.
Scene Description: South Park Easter Egg Hunt, morning. The audience applauds while Mr. Billings is giving his speech
Mr. Billings: There are two things people think about when they are grocery shopping: Fun and Safety. On this beautiful Easter morning, we are thrilled to give back to he people of South Park who for the third year in a row have made our grocery store number... [looks on his paper] 4 in fun and number 6 in safety. Let the hunt begin. [The woman employee cuts the ribbon to allow chilren to the hunt. They excitedly run all over the place looking for eggs. Some of them attack and fight each other.]
Cartman: [offscreen] I'm alive! [everyone stops. Cartman runs in, gasping for air.] I'm alive, you guys. [holds a blond girl though her shoulders] I don't know how, but I'm alive! [lets go and keeps running] Can you believe it? It's a miracle. [runs to the stage] Listen everybody, last night I almost died. But then a Passover miracle happened. The Jewpacabra passed me over, and by the power of Jehovah, I somehow woke up safely in my bed. I learned a big lesson. It's wrong, guys. Christ didn't die for our sins and God is angry. It's time for us all to stop this Easter ridiculousness, accept Jehovah as our God and deny Christ.
Butters: [angrily] Oh, stop trying to ruin Easter, you... You heathen! [the crowd agrees, then resumes their hunting]
Cartman: Hey guys, listen! [Nobody cares. He finds Kyle standing there, approaches him, and lets out a deep sigh.] I finally know how you feel, Kyle. Knowing your religion is right but being laughed at by everyone else. It's so hard for us Jews. But I guess we just have to let stupid people believe what they are gonna believe.
Kyle: Yeah.
Cartman: I-I know what you're thinking Kyle. But I really do believe in Judaism now. I'm not lying.
Kyle: [puts his arm around him and smiles] I know, you're not.
Cartman: Kewl, thanks Kyle. Oh, and Kyle, happy Passover.
Kyle: [flatly] Happy Passover, Cartman. [the camera moves up to the sun, which now has a Star of David at the center of it.]


Scene Description: South Park Elementary Cafeteria, lunchtime. Five boys are seated at a table: Cartman and Kyle on one side; Craig, Kenny, and Stan on the other. There's room for a third boy next to Kyle
Cartman: Nonono, I'm tellin' you guys, music videos have devolved to nothing but pretty girls wearing skin-tight clothes, and singin' songs about their vajayjays. Used to be chicks sang about their relationships; now it's all "my vajayjay this, my vajayjay that." But clearly that's what sells. Think about it. When was the last time you turned on a music video and didn't see some chick strumming a guitar singing about her vajayjay? [the boys ignore him and continue eating] See? You can't remember.
Butters: [walks in with a black right eye] Heh, h-hey fellas. [takes the remaining spot. Stan, Kenny, and Craig look at each other.]
Kyle: Where's your lunch, Butters?
Butters: OH. [looks around nervously] Uh, it's okay. Um I'm not hungry anyways.
Stan: Dude, did a bully take your lunch money again?
Butters: ...Yeah. [looks down at the table]
Stan: That's the third day in a row. You gotta tell the teacher.
Butters: Naw, I'm not a tattle-tale.
Stan: Well then write the principal an anonymous letter.
Butters: Naw, I'm not no Anonymous Andy.
Craig: So then just get a bigger bully to beat the bully up.
Butters: Naw, I don't want kids calling me a Cliché Conflict Resolution Kevin.
Cartman: He has a point.
Kyle: Well, then you gotta ride it out, Butters.
Craig: Yeah, life sucks sometimes, but it'll pass.
Stan: I can't believe what I'm hearing! [three girls walking by hear this and stop] This is why bullying is getting worse and worse at out schools! We can't all sit by and let it happen anymore!
Red: Good for you, Stan, nice somebody in this school has some balls.
Cartman: I have balls.
Red: Yeah, little squishy boba-tea balls.
Cartman: Still balls.
Kyle: Look Butters, why don't you just talk to your family about it? You said your Grandma's visiting this week. Why don't you try talking to her?
Butters: My Grandma?
Scene Description: The Stotch house, living room, day. Stephen and Linda are talking to a sweet-looking elderly woman. Linda and the woman sit at the sofa while Stephen stands behind Linda
Grammy: Well, so then your cousin Albert, Linda, actually has two girls now. One is three and the other's about little Butters' age, I think.
Stephen: Well, speak of the devil.
Linda: Butters, what happened to your eye?
Butters: Grandma, ca-can I talk to you for a second?
Grammy: Well sure, you come and sit right here next to Grammy.
Butters: Could I maybe talk to Grammy alone?
Stephen: Well, sure, I guess. We'll go make some tea.
Grammy: Oh some tea would be lovely. [Stephen and Linda leave. Instantly Grammy's sweet demeanor vanishes. She raises her left fist and punches Butters on his bruised right eye. Now we know who the bully is.] What's up? [punches him again] Huh? You think you're [punch] tough, huh?
Butters: I just... [holds his hands up in self-defense] don't want you to pick on me no more, Grandma.
Grammy: Think you're fuckin' tough, huh? [punches him again] You don't look fuckin' tough.
Butters: Um, I don't think I'm tough... grandma.
Grammy: No, you're a little faggot! [grabs him by the collar] You got any more money? Huh?
Butters: No, you took it all!
Grammy: [holds her fist up at him] Why don't you do something about it?! [punches him again] Do somethin', you little bitch! You're Grandma's bitch!
Linda: Here we go. [brings in the tea and sets it on the coffee table. Stephen brings in some lemon bars and does the same]
Grammy: [once again, sweet and kind] Oh, there's the tea. Tea for me. How lucky.
Linda: And your favorite lemon bars.
Grammy: Goodness, what a treat this is.
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day, Mr. Mackey's office. A man pays him a visit
Bucky Bailey: Mr. Mackey, what is happening here at your school is no different from what is happening all over the country. Bullying has become an epidemic, I'm afraid, and we at Bully Buckers ™ are trying to stamp it out. What is your school's policy on bullying?
Mr. Mackey: Oh, well uh w-we think that bullyin' is... is, is bad... m'kay, and uh, and when we see bullying in the school, we tell the students, you know, that... uh that that's bad. m'kay?
Bucky Bailey: Aha, well one of your students told us he thinks bullying at your school is getting worse.
Mr. Mackey: Uh who said?
Bucky Bailey: He didn't want that disclosed.
Mr. Mackey: Oh, he's a little Anonymous Andy?
Bucky Bailey: We would like to have an anti-bullying assembly with your students this afternoon.
Mr. Mackey: Uhokay, but uh, today's actually bad. Uh I already have an assembly today on positive thinking.
Bucky Bailey: You believe positive thinking is really what's critical in schools right now? What's wrong with you?!
Mr. Mackey: Wull I mean it kind of wo-uhuh works out.
Bucky Bailey: No, shut up! What kind of counselor says no to an anti-bullying campaign?! Bullying needs to be stopped! Now! This afternoon!
Mr. Mackey: Wah-eh jus- will we he-?
Bucky Bailey: Wuhhh duhhh. You may only have an Internet degree, but why don't you start acting like you're a school counselor and not an uninformed backwards little dork! M'kay?! [the Bully Buckers founder leaves the office and walks towards the hall. Moments later Mr. Mackey walks out of the office crying. He walks to the mic and turns it on]
Mr. Mackey: [barely holding back emotion] Attention students: today we will have an... assembly... on the subject of... bullying. M'kay? [on the hallway several students stand around listening to the announcement] The assembly is mandatory. M'kay? You'd better show up. 'Kay?
Scene Description: The hallway. Red approaches Butters.
Red: Butters? Your grandma's looking for you.
Butters: [quickly slams his locker door shut] My grandma??
Red: She said to meet her outside behind the school.
Butters: Oh hamburgers! [runs off to the closest restroom, runs in and closes the door]
Grammy: [sitting back against the sinks] Hey twerp! [Butters notices her] You went and narc'd on me!
Butters: [startled at first] HA! OH. Ah. Hi Grandma.
Grammy: [walks to the bathroom door with a menacing swagger, locks it, then walks back] I heard somebody brought in an anti-bully counselor! Thought I wouldn't find out, you little narc?!
Butters: Well I didn't narc, Grandma. It wasn't me.
Grammy: [walks towards the urinal] Oh look, what's this over here? [picks up the urinal cake] Ohoh, it's a narc puck. This is what narcs have to put in their mouths. Awww, it's got piss all over it. [picks Butters up by the collar and attempts to put the cake into his mouth]
Butters: Nno Grandma, knock it off! No! Stop it! [he holds her off]
Grammy: Put it in your mouth! Put it in your fuckin' mouth! [someone begins to pull on the bathroom door. Grammy releases Butters and opens the door. Mr. Adler is standing outside] Ohhh hellow.
Mr. Adler: Oh, sorry. Uh, this door isn't supposed to be locked.
Grammy: I'm sorry, Uh I needed the restroom and my grandson brought me to this one. Isn't that right, Butters?
Butters: [looks at the floor] Yes...
Mr. Adler: Butters you goofball. I'll show you to the girls' room, ma'am.
Grammy: Oh thank you so much. [walks out after Mr. Adler, but just as Butters is about to close the door she spins around and confronts him once more] You narc again and you're fuckin' dead! Fuckin' dead, you got it?!
Mr. Adler: This way.
Grammy: Oop, uh coming. [closes the door, leaving Butters to his thoughts.]
Scene Description: The school assembly that afternoon. Every student is in place.
Bucky Bailey: What makes a bully? [stands next to an image of his company's logo: Bucky Bailey's Bully Buckers ™] The truth is there are more bullies at your school than you even think. And the student who lets bullying happen is just as bad as the bully himself. Come on out, Lorraine. [Lorraine comes out. Her hair is disheveled and her pants go up way too high.] I asked your school mate Lorraine here to help me out. [genuflects] Are you bullied in the school, Lorraine?
Lorraine: ...d'Yes.
Bucky Bailey: Kids pick on you, call you names?
Lorraine: ...Sometimes.
Bucky Bailey: What kind of things do they say to you?
Lorraine: ...Ugly ...neh-nerd.
Bucky Bailey: Do they say "Nice pants. Why do you wear them up to your tits?"?
Lorraine: [long pause] No...
Bucky Bailey: [stands up] Bullying affects everyone. And only if the entire school is united against it can bullying ever be stopped. [to Lorraine] Go, go, get out of here. [she leaves] Now what we at Bucky Bailey's Bully Busters ™ like to do is get the schools to make an anti-bullying video. So who would like to be the young student director in charge of our video? [long pause. No one volunteers] We just need one student to be the leader of our anti-bullying campaign. [still no takers] What? Are you all chicken? [begins to act like a chicken] Nobody wants to be in charge of the anti-bullying video? [acts like a chicken, then like a crying baby rubbing his eyes, then back to acting like a chicken.]
Stan: I'll do it! I'll be in charge.
Bucky Bailey: Ooooo, you're a big man?! You wanna show what a big man you are?!
Stan: No, I just... I think bullying has gotten out of hand. And it needs to be stopped.
Red: Good for you, Stan. [kids begin to clap for him. Kyle has a suspicious look.]
Riley: He's cool.
Scene Description: "THE STUDENTS OF SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY PRESENT Stop Bullying. WRITTEN BY STAN MARSH. MUSIC BY STAN MARSH. TITLE SONG SUNG BY STAN MARSH. DIRECTED BY STAN MARSH."
Clyde: You wanna know who I hate?! I hate that kid Butters! He's a dork!
Jimmy: Yeh. Let's go bi- pick on him! Yeh! [Stan comes in from screen right]
Stan: Hey guys, guys! Don't pick on Butters! That's not cool. You can't do that. Bullying? Did you know that in America, hohoh, [takes Clyde and Red and turns them around] over 200,000 students every day are afraid to come to school because of bullying? [guides them back into the school] At South Park Elementary we're better than that. Come on. Let's all put an end to bullying. Right now! Five Six Seven Eight!
The Kids of South Park Elementary: [Stan leads the song. He backs up into the lobby and then into the cafeteria] Bullying isn't cool. Bullying is lame. Bullying is ugly and has a stupid name. For a healthy world, bullying's unfit. And I think I know what we should do to i-it. Do do do do do to i-it. [Clyde takes over and backs up to the gym doors] Let's all get together and make bullying kill itself. Bullying's an ugly thing [Wendy takes over in the gym and backs up though two rows of kids tossing basketballs at eat other] Lets shove its face in the dirt and make bullying kill itself. [Token takes over and backs up to some stairs, where the Goth kids are sitting] Woah-oh. Woah-oh. Woah-oh.
Cartman: [tarted up, takes over and backs up the stairs] Boy you like my body. Set the mood, let's play! You can touch me anywhere except for my vajayjay.
The Kids of South Park Elementary: [Stan takes over at the landing between floors and backs up down the hallway and into the library] We can make it stop. We can stomp it out. We can beat its ass until it starts to cry. Let's gang up on it and tell it it smells And beat its ass worse if it ever te-lls. If if if it ever te-lls. [Craig takes over in the library, walks forward, and backs up down the hallway through two rows of cheerleaders and some balloons dropping from the ceiling] Lets all join together to try to make bullying kill itself. It'll be fun to see just how bad we can make it feel and make bullying kill itself. [Timmy takes over and backs up towards a corner] Woah-oh. Woah-oh. Woah-oh.
Cartman: [takes over at the corner and backs up, pointing at his own crotch] My heart says ye-es (ye-es ye-es) but my vajayjay says no-o [Some doors open and a naked Butters is showcased in a steel-framed clear box, being carried out by two sixth graders. The lights go out and special effects appear - neon paint on the kids' faces and a blue glow through the doors. Butters takes over.]
Butters: Trapped inside the darkness of my mind. I try to break free. The words are so unkind.
Jason: Stupid! (stupid stupid)
Pete: Ugly! (ugly ugly ugly ugly)
Kyle: Pansy.
Older girl: Dork!
Butters: Can I, can I not do this, please? [the video stops and the hallway lights come on] I don't wanna do this.
Stan: Aw Butters, you ruined it. This is all one big long shot and you ruined it.
Butters: Mm, but this is just gonna make things worse for me.
Stan: Butters, you're the star of the video!
Kyle: He doesn't wanna do it, dude.
Stan: Well come on, do you just wanna be bullied your whole life, Butters? [Kyle walks off in a huff] Kyle?
Scene Description: In front of the school. Kyle walks out and away. Stan runs out after him
Stan: Kyle? Kyle, dude, where are you going?!
Kyle: [stops, then turns around] Why are you doing this, Stan?
Stan: To stop bullying.
Kyle: You're gonna stop bullying.
Stan: YES.
Kyle: With Cartman singing about his vagina.
Stan: ...It's about awareness dude. Don't you understand how important this is? Bullying? Do you realize that in America, hohoh, over 200,000 students are afraid to come to school every day because of-
Kyle: Don't, don't act for me, Stan! Really?! Because every minute I'm watching this video become less about awareness and more about you!
Stan: Kyle, I'm trying to make a difference!
Kyle: Okay. Just be careful you don't end up naked and jacking it in San Diego. [turns around and hurries away]
Stan: What the hell does that mean?
Scene Description: Butters' house, evening. The family is having dinner at the table
Grammy: Oh heavens to Betsy, Linda. This is such a yummy yummy ham. I just love your cooking. [takes her fork under the table and jabs Butters with it. He winces in pain.]
Stephen: Our Linda certainly knows her way around a pork. [Butters winces again] What's the matter, Butters?
Butters: Nnothin' Dad. Jjust a little gassy. [Grammy jabs him again, and he winces in pain]
Stephen: Oh. Well don't fart on Grandma. She's tryin' to enjoy her ham.
Butters: Okay Dad, I won-aaaaah! Gaaaah-ow. [the doorbell rings]
Stephen: I'll get it. [rises and walks away]
Grammy: [notices something] Linda, is that a new clock on the wall?
Linda: [looks at the clock] Oh yes. Stephen and I got that last month. It's from Germany, I believe. [while Linda talks, Grammy picks her boogers and smears them on Butters' mashed potatoes] I just love the cute little canary on the dial. And, every hour it chimes. [turns back to Grandma as Stephen brings Butters' friends over.]
Stephen: Your friends wanted to see you, Butters.
Stan: Dude, Butters! We have awesome news! A Hollywood movie company is gonna buy our bullying video!
Grammy: Oh, an anti-bullying video? How adorable. [jabs him harder with the fork, and he screams in pain]
Stan: Yeah, and Butters is the star! The movie company wants to do a photo shoot with him so we can make movie posters!
Butters: HAAAAA! [pounds the table fiercely to relieve the pain from Grammy's fork]
Stan: I know, right?! [Stan, Cartman, and Kenny all imitate Butters' pain]
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Stan walks in to a hero's welcome. Cheers greet him as he walks down the hall towards the boys' restroom. He walks in and noticed Mr. Bailey waiting for him with arms crossed.
Bucky Bailey: Whassup?! [walks to the bathroom door and locks it]
Stan: Oh, hey.
Bucky Bailey: You went and made a video and sold it without lettin' me know.
Stan: Huh?
Bucky Bailey: Doin' a video was my idea! It's the property of Bucky Bailey's Bully Buckers ™, you got that?! [crosses his arms again]
Stan: But I worked hard on that! It's, it's been really stressful and I-
Bucky Bailey: Oh, it's been stwessful?! [gets in his face] What's wrong with you?! Kids are getting bullied at school and with this money, Bucky Bailey's Bully Buckers ™ can finally become the legit organization it deserves to be! You greedy, selfish, little PRICK! [Stan lowers his head in shame] Oh what? You gonna cwy?
Stan: No.
Bucky Bailey: No, go ahead, cwy. Let me see ya. [rubs his eyes as if he's the one crying] Let me see you cwy. [Stan begins to cry]
Stan: [Stan Sobbing.]
Scene Description: Butters' house, night, Butters' room. He's pacing back and forth
Butters: [having a conversation with himself] We don't have a choice, Butters. You have to defend yourself! [switch] Oh, but violence is never the answer. [switch] But she's gonna kill you, Butters! You know she is! [switch] You're right, Butters! I don't have a choice! [goes into his closet and pulls out a box] Sorry, Grandma, but you brought this on yourself! [unpacks his Professor Chaos costume and puts it on] It's time you met... Chaos! [he bursts into the hallway] I've been pushed around for the last time! [runs to the guest bedroom, where Grammy is staying] Now I'm coming! And heck's coming with me! [bursts into Grammy's room, but is suddenly surprised at what he sees - Grammy in a supervillain outfit]
Grammy: Oh, look, it's Captain Pussy! [Professor Chaos is frozen in place] You can't stop me, Captain Pussy! Don't even try!
Professor Chaos: Grandma? but how di-
Grammy: I got inspired when I came across your gay little costume in your closet. [changes mood] Now come on, Captain Pussy! Time for you to get your Gummi bears!
Professor Chaos: No! Grandma please, nnnot Gummi bears!
Grammy: Come 'ere! [rushes towards him]
Professor Chaos: Ahh! Grandma! [backs into a corner next to a small table. Grammy knocks the table over and pins Chaos against the wall]
Gramm: Stand up for yourself! Fight back! Be a fucking man!
Professor Chaos: I can't.
Grammy: Then it looks like you get... Gummi bears! [reaches into her mouth and pulls out her dentures] Gummy bears! [begins to gnaw at his left arm with her gums]
Professor Chaos: Awww! Eewww!
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Mr. Bailey walks down the hallway to the boys' room. He goes inside and is surprised
Nick Jabs: [waiting with arms crossed] What's up? I'm Nick Jabs, president of the movie company that bought the bully video. [goes to lock the door]
Bailey: Oh what? Stan Marsh got you to come talk to me?! That little cliché conflict resolution Kevin!
Jabs: [advancing, making Bailey back up] The video was conceived, written, and directed by the South Park student body, you got that?!
Bailey: It was my idea. I told the students to make the video and I-and I produced the entire thing! I deserve to have my name on it!
Jabs: Yeah, only problem is America doesn't give a SHIT about an old fart with a Captain Kangaroo haircut! They wanna believe kids did something on their own. [hands him a sealed envelope] Here's a cease and desist letter from our lawyers. If you ever claim any authorship of the video again, we will sue you for everything you have!
Bailey: But... but this was gonna be the thing that finally made Bully Buckers ™ a national organization.
Jabs: Oh, you gonna cwy?! Oh don't cwy, you'll wook bad wif your wittle Captain Kangawoo haircut! [Mr. Bailey goes to the bathroom door, unlocks it, and walks out sobbing]
Scene Description: The hallway, around the same time. Cartman and Kenny are handing out posters and putting them on lockers. Kenny is positioning one of them on a locker as Kyle walks up to them
Cartman: 'Kay kewl, hold it right there. Kewl. [nearby, Craig and Clyde take notice]
Kyle: Excuse me, what are you doing to my locker?
Cartman: We're putting up movie posters, Kyle! The premiere is tomorrow! But since you walked out on the video, you don't get to come! [blows a raspberry at him]
Kyle: I don't wanna go to your stupid movie premiere! [walks away] And don't tape that to my locker! [walks into the boys' room and sees Stan waiting by the sink with arms crossed] Oh God. [Stan goes to lock the door]
Stan: What's up, Kyle? Why are you trying to trash-talk our theatrical release?
Kyle: Do you really think that this is good for Butters? To have his face put all over signs as the poster child for bullying?
Stan: Butters is totally fine with it, dude.
Kyle: Yeah? Well Butters is ten! He doesn't exactly know what's best for him, and neither do you!
Stan: Alright Kyle, that's enough! I'm not gonna be bullied by you, okay?!
Kyle: What?! You were waiting for me in the bathroom!
Stan: Oh yeah.
Kyle: Look, this is all getting way too big! Tell the movie studio you aren't selling the video to them.
Stan: This video can change how people think about bullying! It needs to be seen by everybody, Kyle!
Kyle: If it needs to be seen by everybody, then why don't you put it out on the Internet for free?! [long pause] Well?!
Stan: ...What, what was the question again?
Kyle: [slowly] If you really think every kid in America should see your anti-bullying movie, then why don't you put it on the Internet, for free?!
Stan: ...Get, get out of here, Kyle! I'm trying to go to the bathroom!
Kyle: [turns around and walks out] Fine! But when you're naked and jackin' it in San Diego, don't ask me for help! [closes the door.]
Stan: [left wondering] Why does he keep saying that?
Scene Description: The Dr. Oz Show
Dr. Oz: We all know that bullying has become an epidemic. Like AIDS, bullying is escalating and is spread mostly by penises. But now a few school kids are trying to make a difference with a video to make bullying kill itself. [Switch to Camera 2, which shows Stan and Butters seated next to Dr. Oz. Butters is not too happy to be there, so he rests his head on his right hand] I'm joined by the film's director as well as the weak little boy who's the main subject of the film. Stan, congratulations on all your success.
Stan: Well, I just got tired of seeing people like Butters getting pushed around, and I knew I had to do somethin' about it. [the audience applauds]
Dr. Oz: And how about you? What would you like to say to your bully out there?
Butters: Oh uh, nothin'.
Dr. Oz: Come on, this is for everyone who's been a victim. What do you wanna say to bullies all across America? Go ahead. [Butters raises his head] Right now. Say it.
Butters: Uh stop... Stop trying to make me say things I don't want to on your TV show.
Dr. Oz: Do you hear that, bullies? Stop making kids say things on your TV shows! [the audience applauds] What else do you wanna say, Butters?
Butters: [feeling cornered] Please, leave me alone.
Dr. Oz: Leave him alone! But that doesn't work, does it Butters?
Butters: No it doesn't.
Dr. Oz: Tell us in graphic detail what the bully does to you?!
Butters: Stop it!
Dr. Oz: Come on, this is for America! [Stan begins to get concerned. Butters looks to Stan for some reassurance] Do you realize that in America, ohohoh, over 200,000 students are afraid to go to school because of bullying?! [Butters' anger begins to rise] Don't you care?! You better care! [Butters loses it and attacks Dr. Oz. The audience cheers him on. Dr. Oz collapses to the floor and Butters begins to punch him in the face]
Scene Description: The movie company's head office, day. Stan has been summoned to the office
Mr. Jabs: What the hell were you thinking?! Everyone just saw that the bully victim in your movie is actually a violent psychopath!
Stan: I didn't know.
Mr. Jabs: This could kill our box office. People are gonna come after us now, saying we didn't check our facts!
Stan: I didn't beat up Dr. Oz! Don't be mad at me!
Mr. Jabs: It's your fuckin' movie! Now I'm gonna have to work overtime with marketing to make sure people still sympathize with our victim! Jesus, just get the fuck out of here! I've gotta go to the bathroom! [goes to the bathroom as Stan leaves. Inside the bathroom he runs into Jesus with his arms crossed] Uh oh.
Jesus: My child, [goes to lock the door] have you ever heard of a place called Hell? It's eternal fire, and it's gonna hurt real bad.
Mr. Jabs: Uh... [lowers his head]
Jesus: Oh, what are you gonna do? cwy now?
Scene Description: Grammy's room, night. Butters cracks the door open and walks in while she's asleep. She's facing away from him, so he can't see how she responds
Butters: Grandma? I did it, Grandma. [she opens her eyes] I finally stood up for myself. I got real mean and I beat the snot outta Dr. Oz. [she frowns] I can't lie, it felt kind of good. [she smiles] At first. But since then all I have is just... a kind of dark, empty feeling. Then I realized... that's how you must feel. All the time. [her smile fades] Poor old Grandma. You know, I-I've been gettin' lots of advice how to deal with you. Stand up to you, tell on you... But I kind of realize there's just people like you out there. All over the place. When you're a kid, things seem like they're gonna last forever. But they're not. Life changes. Why you won't always be around. Someday you're gonna die. [the anger leaves Grammy's face] Someday pretty soon. [he approaches Grammy] And when you're layin' in that hospital bed, with tubes up your nose, and that little pan under your butt to pee in, well I'll come visit ya. I'll come just to show you that, that I'm still alive and I'm still happy. And you'll die. Bein' nothin' but you. [walks back to the door] 'Night Grandma. [exits and closes the door]
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, next morning. Stan walks through the front doors and the students all boo him and throw wads of paper at him
Stan: Huh? Aw, come on! [comes across Clyde, Craig, and Cartman and stops] Dude, what's going on?
Clyde: You didn't hear?! Now that America knows Butters was actually a violent psychopath, they're saying you made a bull-crap bullying video!
Stan: Wha? What's the movie studio saying about it?
Cartman: The studio backed out! The producer had a change of heart! BOOOOO!
Red: You made us look like uncaring idiots!
Craig: Yeah. Boooo!
Stan: How was I supposed to know Butters was actually a violent psychopath?
Timmy: [rolls up] Boooo!
Stan: [moves off a bit] Everyone loved me sixteen hours ago.
Mr. Mackey: Stan? Stan, okay, ABC called and Dr. Oz is suing you and our entire school! What are you gonna do?!
Stan: [sighs in resignation] I guess, there's only one thing left for me to do.
Scene Description: A plane moves through the sky and lands at San Diego International Airport. Stan walks through the airport with two suitcases, then through the San Diego Zoo, then through Coronado Island, then takes a taxi ride through the Gaslamp District.
Singer (background singers): Baaam badam baaam baaadam. Baaam badam bam Baaam badam baaam baaadam. Baaam badam bam I'm gonna jack it where the sun always shines. (He's gonna jack it) Been spreadin' the word and now I need to ease my mind. (Jackin' it) (Ohhhh...) Been plantin' them apple seeds and while the apples grow, I'm gonna go out jackin' it in San Diego! [the singers pop up] (Jackin' it, jackin' it, jackin' it jack Spankin' it, jackin' it, spankin' it smack) [Stan is at a street corner and begins to undress] I don't need no shirt, no, gonna take 'dem pants right off (he's about to jack it) On such a bright day who needs underwear or socks? (Jackin' jack it) (Ohhhh...) Been around God's country, and there's one thing I know. [Stan begins to dance] There's no better place for jackin' it than San Diego! [the two background singers arrive and stand between Stan and the camera] (Jack it, jack it, jackin' it jack Smackin' it, smackin' it, smackin' it smack Jackin' it, jackin' it, jackin' it jack [the lead singer comes in] Jackin' it, smackin' it, smackin' it smack) Jackin' for the Loooord!
Jerry Sanders: [Mayor of San Diego] Come to San Diego. There's so much to see. [real photos of the places he mentions appear] From the sparkling waters of Mission Bay to the warm tortillas of Old Town. And after a day of sight-seeing, why not try spankin' it in one of our charming city streets? San Diego. Come, take a load off. [Behind him, Stan is still dancing at the street corner]
Scene Description: The three singers are at Sea World. Stan dances across the screen at Coronado Island with his back to the camera, then dances at a Mission-style building, then is back at the corner masturbating at passing cars. Someone captures the spectacle from a nearby window. A priest walks by reading a newspaper. He notices Stan and is surprised enough to lose the paper
Singer (background singers): (Jackin' it, jackin' it, jackin' it jack Spankin' it, spankin' it, smackin' it smack A whackin' it, whackin' it, whackin' it whack Smackin' it, jerkin' it, smackin' it smack) The cars are passin' me by, they're honkin', say hello.
Passenger: [from a passing car] Hey that guy's jackin' it!
Singer (background singers): From his window there's a guy shootin' video. (Video of him jackin' it) And if the good Lord Jesus comes knockin' on my door, Just tell him that I'm jackin' it in San Diego. [a tourist map shows up with Stan dancing on it] (Jackin' it, jackin' it, jackin' it jack Spankin' it, spankin' it, smackin' it smack (he's about to jack it) Whack it jack it whack it jack it whackin' it jack Whack it whack it smack whack whackin' it whack)