Scene Description: The South Park theme song is replaced by one for the new series, Tegridy Farms, starring Randy Marsh: Goin' down to Tegridy Farms, gonna have myself a time. Friendly faces everywhere, humble folks without temptation, Goin' down to Tegridy Farms, gonna leave my woes behind. There's ample parking day or night, people spouting, 'Howdy, neighbor!' I'm headin' on up to Tegridy Farms, gonna see if I can't unwind... Towelie: I got ...some weed and I don't know what's goin' on Come on down to Tegridy Farms and meet some friends of mine... As the song plays, this happens: a flyover shot of the valley Tegridy Farms is in. A jar of Tegridy Weed floats by. Randy is shown driving his tractor. The camera zooms on on a house on which roof "Tegridy Farms" is painted. Shelley and Stan are reaping weed as Randy looks on, toking. Towelie enters the house. Randy shows off his greenhouse. Sharon vacuums hanging harvested weed. Randy walks out of the barn covered in weed. Randy and Towelie each smoke a joint on the couch. Randy tries baking brownies and burns them. Smoke comes out of the oven while he holds a tray of them. Randy poses with the family and with Towelie as the song ends. Only Randy and Towelie smile.
Scene Description: The camera pans up from the weed patch and aims at the house. Bunches of weed hang from clotheslines as a fan softly dries them
Randy: [voice-over] Some people like their weed made the old-fashioned way. [several laborers are in the field harvesting weed] Here at Tegridy, we believe weed is about people. [Randy is shown leading a group of people on a tour of his operation.] Over the past few months, Tegridy has expanded from the simple farmhouse you see behind me to actually owning the entire 420 Valley. And I think you'll see on this tour that even though our business has grown, we just kept our weed simple. [Randy continues the tour on a tram] It takes over a thousand plants to make just one box of Tegridy Weed. [points to his left] There's Juan Carlos over there; he's one of our newest employees. [calls out to him] 'Mornin' Juan Carlos! [Juan Carlos looks up and meekly waves back. Passengers take pictures of him. The next scene has Randy and the group on a moving sidewalk] What happens when you combine science... with Tegridy? A lot of magic. Here you can see our latest growing methods along with our science center. [Towelie is shown sampling the weed. Next stop, the tasting room. Randy and the group ride up in a small riverboat, the S.S. Tegridy.] And of course, it wouldn't be Colorado weed without our Rocky Mountain High tasting room. Feel free to come back here later and try all our... Tegridy products. [the tour ends, and Randy leads the group out] Well, folks, we hope you enjoyed your tour. There's a lot to buy here in the gift shop and, please, do remember, your tour guides work on tips. Let's give me a big hand. [the grop claps]
Scene Description: Tegridy Farms house, living room. Stan tallies the day's receipts on the laptop and Cartman chills on the sofa.
Cartman: This sucks balls. Ever since you guys moved, everything just keeps changing. I mean, how are all us kids supposed to have any hope anymore? All I think about is all the problems our generation is inheriting: climate change, overfishing, Kyle. I mean, how are we supposed to get happy about anything? [Randy comes in] Hey there, Stan. You input all the weed orders?
Stan: Yeah, it's all right here.
Randy: Ah, hahah-uhl, oh. [scratches the back of his neck] Looks like our orders are actually... down. You sure you did that right?
Stan: Yeah, I went through it twice. People aren't ordering as much as last month.
Randy: Not ordering as much? Why... what the hell is going on?
Scene Description: South Park, day. Randy drives up to the Stotch house, goes to the front door and rings the bell. Stephen answers
Stephen: Oh, hey, Randy.
Randy: [with a box of Tegridy Weed, tips his hat to him] Howdy, Stephen. How've you been gettin' on?
Stephen: Good. How's life in the Valley been treatin' ya?
Randy: Oh, it's early mornin's and lots of hard work, but, gotta do what's best for my young 'uns. I've noticed you haven't supplied up in a while, Stephen, so I thought I'd deliver your weed to you personally.
Stephen: Oh... yeah, no [scratches the back of his neck], I... actually... hadn't ordered any in a while.
Randy: Why not? You're not gettin' all sober on us, are ya?
Stephen: No. Well... here, let me show you. [takes Randy to the back yard shows him what he's been up to] What do you think? [before them is Stephen's starter weed garden] I started growing my own plants a couple of weeks ago. I totally get it. It's a really fun hobby. That's Diego, my gardener.
Randy: Ohhh he, haha, hey... fuck you.
Stephen: What?
Randy: My weed not good enough for ya? Something wrong with Tegridy?
Stephen: No, I just started kinda getting into it. I just enjoy the whole-
Randy: You're stealing my idea Stephen!
Stephen: Come on, growing marijuana is not your idea.
Randy: Yeah-huh! While you assholes were all screwing around, I went out and made a living! When you grow your own pot, you're taking weed out of my children's mouths!
Mr. Mackey: [enters the back yard through the sliding door] Oh hey, guys. Sorry, the front door was open, so I just walked on in. Seein' if I could still get those seeds from ya, Stephen?
Randy: [glares at Stephen] What seeds?!
Mr. Mackey: Oh, I was gonna try my hand at growin' some weed and Stephen said he'd give me some seeds to get started.
Randy: [sticks up both middle fingers to Stephen and Mr. Mackey] FUUUCK YOU GUYS! [turns to Stephen] I'll get you for this, Stephen! You mess with my Tegridy, and I'm gonna mess with you! [leaves the yard. Moments later, he returns for the weed he was going to leave to Stephen, looks at Mr. Mackey, and walks out]
Scene Description: Kum & Go liquor store. A depressed Cartman walks up to a soda fountain with a Mega Gulp cup and serves himself a bunch of sodas, then goes to the coffee machine and serves himself some decaf coffee in the same cup. He then walks up to the counter and pays up
Clerk 1: You alright there, partner?
Cartman: Kids are being handed a world that's broken and sick. We aren't the ones who messed this planet up, but we're the ones who will pay the price.
Clerk 1: Okay, you have a nice day. [Cartman takes his change and receipt, and walks out.]
Scene Description: Outide the liquor store. As Cartman leaves the store, a Department of Homeland Security car zooms by, followed by a black van. Cartman just looks on and takes a sip of his soda.
Scene Description: The Stotch house. ICE agents are at the house hauling Diego out. Stephen chases after them.
Diego: ¡Por favor no! ¡Por favor! Nomás quiero trabajar! ["Please no! please! I just want to work!"]
Stephen: This is inhumane! Diego is my gardener!
Cartman: [walks up and looks at an agent while taking a sip of his drink] What's going on?
Agent 1: This is an ICE raid, son. You need to keep back.
Agent 2: Put him in my car. [a third agent takes Diego away]
Cartman: What did that guy do?
Agent 1: Somebody called in an anonymous tip that he might be here illegally.
Esposa: ¡No! ¡No te lo puedes llevar! ¡Es mi esposo! ¡Mi esposo! ["No! You can't take him away! He's my husband! My husband!"] [A female agent in a hoodie takes her away]
Girl: Papa! Papa, no! Papa!
Agent 3: Wife goes in the van, kids can go with Donovan. [A male agent grabs the kids and carries them offscreen]
Stephen: Who called you people?! It was Randy Marsh, wasn't it?!
Agent 1: We're just doin' our job, sir. If the family checks out, we'll release them from their detention centers.
Cartman: Detention centers? [perks up] Well, this is nice! When did we start doing this?
Agent 4: [the female agent] Kids go to LS22.
Cartman: So anyone can make an anonymous tip and you can round up families and send them away? Nobody told me about this! I thought everything sucked now! Do you have a card?
Scene Description: The Broflovski house, day. Ike is playing with blocks on the floor. Kyle is watching TV and eating cereal on the sofa as the phone rings. He picks up after seeing who's calling
Kyle: What do you want?
Scene Description: Cartman residence, Eric's bedroom. Cartman is reclining back with his legs up on his desk, looking at his nails while acting rather smug.
Cartman: Do you remember last week you called me a butthole in front of Suzie Tobler?
Kyle: Yeah, 'cause you were gonna snap her bra.
Cartman: I want you to apologize for every time you've been a dick to me, Kyle.
Kyle: Fuck you.
Cartman: Oh! Are you sure you don't want to take that back? Uh-okay Kyle. Just remember, I gave you a chance. [the doorbell rings, and Ike goes to the door]
Kyle: Are you done now? Can I hang up? [as Ike opens the door, ICE agents burst in and fan out]
Agent 2: 220. We've breached the front door.
Kyle: Hello?
Ike: Mommy! Mommy!
Gerald: [coming in from the kitchen] Excuse me, what is going on? [more agents come in through the back door behind him. The female puts Gerald against a wall and frisks him.]
Agent 5: 640. On the first floor. [Agent 3 brings Sheila down the stairs]
Sheila: Who are you people?
Agent 3: We're ICE, ma'am.
Gerald: We're American citizens!
Agent 5: Just doin' our job, sir. If you check out, you'll be released from the detention centers.
Gerald: Get the fuck out of my house! [the agents haul the Broflovskis out the door.]
Kyle: Mom! Dad!
Gerald: This is ridiculous! You can't take our children away from us!
Cartman: [looking on through binoculars from his bedroom window and chuckles while snacking on chips.] That's so sweet.
Agent 2: You guys take the parents, we'll take the kids. [Ike runs to Sheila and holds on to her]
Agent 1: [grabs ahold of him] Come on, you! [grunts as he struggles to pull Ike off Sheila]
Sheila: NO! You will not take my children from me!
Cartman: Ha ha. No way. [grabs a handful of chips and eats them]
Gerald: I-I'm telling you, I just don't know where our passports are!
Agent 3: Then we have to detain you. If you're legal, you can sort it all out on Monday.
Sheila: Monday?! [agent 2 pulls Ike off Sheila. Kyle is pushed into the back of a black sedan. He looks up from the backseat and sees Cartman smiling and waving to him.]
Kyle: Goddamit, Cartman!
Sheila: Ike! [to the agents] YOU CAN'T DO THIS! [Ike is put in the back of agent 2's car. The agents pull away from the house in their cruisers]
Scene Description: City Hall, day. Stan speaks to the city council. Randy and Towelie sit in the otherwise empty audience section, and Randy interjects from time to time.
Stan: [reading from 3x5 index cards] What happened to our country? People are being wronged by a broken system, and we must say "NO MORE." No more homegrown marijuana.
Randy: [voicing several fake witnesses] Yeah, that's right! Yeah, that's right. Me too. Yeah, that's right!
Stan: As the son of a proud American farmer, I am concerned about what homegrown can lead to. People can grow weed wrong and poison themselves. What?
Randy: Yeah, that's right. Yeah! Come on!
Stan: Unscrupulous growers could use cheap irrigation and drown babies. Oh, come on.
Randy: That's right. Drown babies, yeah. Drown babies, that's right. Drown babies.
Stan: The fact is simple. Marijuana must be grown with Tegridy.
Randy: Tegridy.
Stan: [mimicking Randy] Tegridy.
Scene Description: South Park, on the drive home. Randy, Stan, and Towelie are quiet
Randy: [Angrily takes a hit from his joint] Stupid government! How can they sit there and look a child in the face and it's fine for people to grow their own weed?!
Towelie: [starts to roll a joint] Oh, why does it matter?
Randy: Why does it? Ugh! Am I the only person here who understands what this will do to us?!
Stan: Yeah, but Dad, you're gonna piss off everybody in South Park.
Randy: You know what? Fuck South Park!
Towelie: Fuck South Park?
Randy: Yeah, I'm sick it! I'm just- I'm done! I don't give two shits about South Park! All that matters is Tegridy Farms now!
Towelie: ... I don't know if you wanna say "Fuck South Park."
Scene Description: A detention center in Texas, day. An ICE bus pulls up and drops off its group of kids. Kyle is among them
Jeff: Good day, children. My name is Jeff.
David: Buenos días, niños. Me llamo Jefe. ["Good morning, kids. My name is Heff-e"]
Jeff: We know you've been separated from your families.
David: Tu familia no está aquí, Es triste. Tu kri. Tu kri. ["Your family is not here. So sad. You cry. You cry."]
Jeff: But we want you to get a little excited about the fun we have in store for you.
David: Aquí es mervilosa! Divértida! ["It's marvelous here! Fun!"] [the two agents lead the kids inside]
Scene Description: The detention center, inside
Jeff: Everyone, please take your own piece of aluminum foil.
David: Papél de aluminió, por favor. ["Please take a sheet of aluminium"] [each kid takes an aluminum sheet and goes into a large space to be used for sleeping]
Rodgers: All new kids, el nombre ["Name"]. Line up and announce when your name is read. Martinez!
Martinez: Aquí. ["Here"]
Rodgers: Aguilar?
Aguilar: Aquí. ["Here"]
Rodgers: Broflovski?
Kyle: Here! [the agent is shocked and looks around, then looks at David, approaching]
David: Broflovski - is, is that an El Salvadorean name?
Kyle: No, I'm Jewish. [Jeff and the other two agents are alarmed.]
Jeff: What?! How did a Jew get in here?
Kyle: I'm just here because some fat intolerant asshole didn't want me around!
Boy: Yeah, that's why I'm here too.
Girl: Yeah, me too.
Jeff: Oh boy, we've gotta get this kid out of here. [voice softens to a whisper] People might think we're racist.
Scene Description: The Marsh house, day. A car pulls up and two corporate bigwigs step out of it and walk to the front door. Randy comes out to greet his guests.
Randy: Ah, sorry, tours at 11 and 2, and 4:20.
Bigwig 1: Oh, we're not here for a tour, we represent a billion-dollar marijuana company.
Randy: Ohh, I told you rich, big-city folk before: You can't buy Tegridy!
Bigwig 1: You seem to be fighting the same fight we are. We just wanna help you. [pulls out a joint and lights it up with a lighter, then takes a toke before handing it to Randy.] Ever heard of Med Men?
Randy: Yeah, I think so. [takes a toke and hands it back] What do you want with me?
Bigwig 1: Well, we have a common problem. [takes a toke] Homegrown weed.
Bigwig 2: [takes the joint from his partner] We're just worried about safety, you know? [takes a toke] Babies drowning in irrigation and such.
Randy: [takes the joint from Bigwig 2] Yeah, I hate watching babies drown. [takes a toke] Seems like a waste of a good baby. [hands the joint to Bigwig 1]
Bigwig 1: We're glad you agree. [takes a toke] Now what-? [Randy tokes several times]
Randy: So you guys wanna team up and piggyback on the goodwill of the legalization movement for some good old-fashioned crony capitalism? I'm totally in. [exhales and a bunch of smoke drifts out]
Scene Description: Detention center, Texas, day. Jeff, Kyle, and another agent site in Jeff's office. Behind Kyle is a waiting room with a one-way window
Jeff: Sorry for our little mistake. We're goin' to get you on your way home as soon as we can.
Kyle: What about all the other kids? When do they get to go home?
Jeff: Hey. When it's raining, you gotta roll up the windows. We understand these things are hard for your people.
Kyle: My people? Aren't you worried about what you're creating here?!
Jeff: What do you mean?
Kyle: You're pulling children away from their parents and isolating them behind bars.
Jeff: Yes.
Kyle: You're traumatizing them and teaching them to fear the U.S. government.
Jeff: Correct.
Kyle: Okay, let me try to put this in terms you people will understand. You know superhero movies, right?
David: [gets excited and looks up from his phone] Yeah!
Kyle: Okay. You remember how they always create the villain? Some random person who, when they were a child, got taken from their parents and locked away? And the kid was just left to sit and plot revenge? What you're doing here is creating a Mexican Joker! [The agents get alarmed again] And what's a Mexican Joker gonna do? He's gonna grow up and have memories of being wronged by you, and he will grow and wait, and then finally [makes a fist with his right hand and pounds it into his left hand] fight back with a passion unlike anything you've ever seen!
Jeff: Which one of them do you think is Mexican Joker?
Kyle: No, it could be any of them! That's the point! You don't know which kid in there is gonna snap from being separated and locked down like this!
David: But... Doesn't Mexican Joker understand that we're just doing our job and making America great?
Kyle: Mexican Joker doesn't care! When that kid grows up, all that will matter is getting back at all of you!
David: Well, what would Mexican Joker-
Jeff: Hey David, can I talk to you alone, please. Excuse us, kid. [Jeff puts Kyle in a waiting room just outside the office. Jeff and David begin to argue, but the office is soundproof, so we hear nothing. The camera switches to inside the office] Now then, the most important thing is that we've got to keep this quiet! We can't let Mexican Joker know that we're onto him.
David: I don't wanna be part of a bad guy flashback scene. Maybe we should get kids out of here.
Jeff: Now, listen: that's just what he wants us to do.
David: What are you saying?
Jeff: Im saying, what if he's on Mexican Joker's side? [the both look at Kyle through the window]
Scene Description: The Marsh living room, evening. Randy has taken to adding up the tally himself on the laptop. Towelie enters the room
Towelie: [upset] Hey Randy, did you go make a deal with another weed company?
Randy: Yes, Towelie. I'm working on a merger with Med Men.
Towelie: Med Men? But, those guys are posers.
Randy: We have a deal in the works to help each other put a stop to home-growers once and for all.
Towelie: Jesus... You know, I knew a guy who thought weed should be for everybody. A guy who believed in integrity. I don't understand who you even are anymore.
Randy: That's because I'm the president of the company, and YOU are a TOWEL!
Towelie: YOU're a towel!
Randy: What is wrong with trying to protect our business? [Towelie walks towards the front door]
Towelie: [stops and turns around] Because weed isn't supposed to be some money-grubbin' business model! It's a gift from God! And not something to exploited by some stupid towel! [opens the door and steps out]
Randy: I AM NOT A TOWEL!
Towelie: [turns around] Yeah. Yeah, sure thing, Randy. You are not a towel. [leaves, and Randy sighs with a mix of relief and anger]
Scene Description: The Texas detention center, day. Jeff puts on a puppet show with David on the bullhorn and another agent at the spinet piano. Jeff provides the voices.
Princess Star: My name is Princess Star, for I shine like all the stars in the night sky.
Jeff: Kids, let's all say hi to Princess Star!
David: Hi, Princess Star.
Mexican Joker: Ha ha ha haa! It's me, Mexican Jokerrrrr!
Jeff: Oh no! Everyone boo Mexican Joker, kids! Boooo!
David: Boooo!
Mexican Joker: I'm filled with anger and rage for what happened to me as a child! So now I will kill and rape you all!
Princess Star: But Mexican Joker, you forget the magic word: Forgiveness. [a ding prompts the screen behind Jeff to come on and show "FORGIVENESS/EL PARDON"]
Mexican Joker: I don't care about forgiveness!
Princess Star: But you are a migrant from another country. We had to protect our borders and secure our jobs.
Mexican Joker: I don't care! I'm going to rape you now! [Jeff has Mexican Joker rape Princess Star]
Princess Star: Oh no, no, what about forgiveness?
Mexican Joker: No forgiveness! [the kids' jaws drop as they see this simulated rape]
Jeff: Boo! That's enough, Mexican Joker! Your rage and your anger have made you a bad person in the eyes of Christ. I know your life was hard as a kid, but everyone has hard times. [a bell rings and the show stops]
Agent 6: Another busload comin' in.
Jeff: [weary] Another busload? Oh, criminy!
Scene Description: Texas detention center, outside. The ICE bus pulls up again and drops off its load of kids. This time, Cartman is among the kids. Kyle goes to the window to see the new kids.
Jeff: Welcome, children. My name is Jeff.
David: Hola niños, me llamo Jefe... ["Hello, kids. My name is Heff-e..."] [the kids are processed as before, but don't receive aluminum blankets. They go to the sleeping area. Cartman walks up to Kyle, who glares at him]
Cartman: Oh, hey Kyle.
Kyle: What the fuck are you doing here?!
Cartman: So weak. Jimmy pissed me off 'cause he told the teacher I was texting in class, so I told Jimmy I'd have him sent off to a migrant detention center. He didn't believe me, so I said "Oh, I already did it to Kyle." Stan heard that, so he got pissed off and had me sent off to a migrant detention center.
Kyle: I haven't seen my parents in *two weeks*! Nobody even knows where my little brother is!
Cartman: I know. I know it sucks. But we're stuck in here together. Come on, buys. All we have to do is try to make the most of it. [smiles]
Scene Description: It's a hard knock life for us. It's a hard knock life for us. [bounces around]'
Scene Description: South Park, day. Randy wanders through Downtown and stops at CottonCraft Linen & Towels, where he stares at the window display of towels.
Clerk 2: Hey, are you gonna buy a towel or just stare at them?
Randy: I'm not a towel!
Clerk 2: Go on! Get out of here! [Randy turns and walks away. As he walks down the sidewalk, he starts to groan as memories of recent days come flooding into his mind, accompanies by a range of emotions. The imaginary heads of Mr. Mackey, Stephen and Jimbo start to float around Randy]
Mr. Mackey: Yeah, you know, I think I'll just grow my own weed.
Stephen: Oh yeah, I'm growin' my own weed.
Jimbo: I enjoy growin' my own weed now.
Stephen: I'll grow my own weed.
Jimbo: My own weed.
Mr. Mackey: My own weed. I'll grow my own weed.
Jimbo: I enjoy growin' my own weed.
Stephen: Hey, I think I'll just grow my own weed. [Randy finds himself inside CottonCraft and angrily stares at the towels on display again.]
Clerk 2: [throws him out] I said get out of here if you aren't buying towels! [Randy walks on getting filled with rage as he hears the voices again.]
Stephen: I'll grow my own weed.
Jimbo: My own weed.
Stephen: My own weed. I'll grow my own weed.
Jimbo: I'll grow my own weed.
Stephen: I'll grow my own weed.
Randy: [falling into despair thinking of himself as a towel] Aaaaaaaaaaah! [roars as he falls onto his knees in the middle of the street] Ah. Augh! Aaaaawwww!!
Scene Description: Texas detention center clinic. A boy is strapped down to a table and wearing an electrified headband. He has a gag in his mouth. An agent zaps electricity through the boy from the headband
Jeff: Hey. Hey! What the hell are you guys doin'?!
David: Oh, hey Jeff. Rodgers read an article about how electroshock therapy can help people who've gone through traumatic experiences. We figured some treatments could help Mexican Joker deal with his trauma.
Jeff: Are you guys completely stupid?! We can't perform shock therapy on every child that comes in here! Think of the budgetary restraints!
David: To hell with the costs, Jeff! If Mexican Joker doesn't have flashbacks, then he doesn't grow up to be a monster!
Jeff: What if this IS the flashback?! We might be IN the flashback, Dave! Maybe you're shocking the child that grows up to be Mexican Joker! [Rodgers takes over and zaps the boy]
David: [distraught] Oh God! I don't know which way is up anymore!
Jeff: We can't fight this guy alone, Dave. It's time to alert the military.
Scene Description: Texas detention center clinic. The lights are out and most of the kids are asleep. Kyle and Cartman sleep back to back, but Cartman stands up and sings, and Kyle gets annoyed.
Cartman: Don't it feel like the wind is always howlin'? Don't it seem like there's never any light? Santa never comes for me. Santa Claus no está aquí. ["Santa Claus is not here"] [Kyle takes his aluminum sheet, goes to a wall and wraps himself up in the sheet, then rests against that wall. Cartman follows him] Aw, come on, Kyle. I know it's no fun to be in here, but you can't think about yourself. Think about the greater good. [thinks a moment] Now, when you don't like people, you can have then taken from their families and put into camps. Why does that make you [gasps in realization] Ohhh my God. Ohhh Jesus, Kyle. I've totally forgotten you're a... Of course, you're extra sensitive to this stuff. Oh, dude, I'm so sorry. [Kyle takes his sheet and leaves the wall.] Oh, my God, Kyle. I didn't even make the connection, you know? I was just like, Oh, I'm gonna have Kyle thrown into a detention camp. That'll be sweet," and I didn't stop to think that... for you guys... it's not that sweet. Man, if I had just thought it through for like, two more minutes, I would have got you back some other way. I feel terrible, Kyle.
Kyle: Wait. I have an idea how to get everyone out of here. Get everyone's aluminum foil and some scissors.
Cartman: Why, Kyle? What are you gonna do with-
Kyle: Just do it before I kill you!
Cartman: Aluminum foil and some scissors. [walks off to collect them]
Scene Description: A couple washing dishes in their own kitchen.
Husband: That was a great dinner, honey.
Wife: What do you wanna do for dessert?
Husband: Hey! How about I cut us down some of our homegrown weed and we get baked?
Wife: I'm in. [the husband walks out to the backyard for some weed and hears some noise. In the shadows, Randy sneaks away]
Husband: Is someone there? [no other sound is heard] Huh. [walks to his weed and pulls out a knife to cut some down]
Wife: Jack? Everything alright?
Jack: Yeah. You want a normal size, or a big fatty? [the weed explodes and rips him to bits] Aa-
Wife: JAACK! [a series of explosions follow throughout the neighborhood]
Scene Description: Breaking News
News Anchor: A brutal act of terror in an American town. Tonight, innocent people were attacked at their homes, in their yards, and the FBI believes they know who is responsible. The probable suspect? [A portrait sketch of a Mexican male with a thin mustache, wearing a sombrero appears at the corner of the screen.] Mexican Joker. [shows a look of dread, as the sound of people screaming is heard] Uhuh. Yeah, that's right. Joining me now is Commander Miller of National Defense.
Cmdr Miller: We've only recently learned of Mexican Joker's existence.
News Anchor: Waa huhaugh.
Cmdr Miller: He has no reason. He has no compassion.
News Anchor: Aaagh.
Cmdr Miller: Mexican Joker simply wants to invoke fear.
News Anchor: Oohh!
Cmdr Miller: We are advising people to stay inside!
News Anchor: Uh, look. Captain, uh... Captain, what made Mexican Joker this way? Why is Mexican Joker so... filled with hate?
Cmdr Miller: Well, it's most likely something that happened to him as a child. Whatever bent Mexican Joker's mind this way, it clearly happened a... long... a long time ago. [the news break dissolves into the Texas detention center, and Jeff is at his desk]
Jeff: Oh shit, it's the flashback!
David: This is the flashback?!
Jeff: It's the flashback! Come on! Something must be happening with the kids! [the agents rush to the sleeping area and see a gathering] Oh Christ, look!
Kyle: Shema Israel Adonai Eloheinu, Adonai ehad. ["Hear, Israel, the Lord is our God, the Lord is One."]
Jeff: He's converting them all to Judaism!
Kids: Shema Israel Adonai Eloheinu, Adonai ehad. ["Hear, Israel, the Lord is our God, the Lord is One."]
Jeff: Oh Jesus, they're all Jews with their little aluminum foil yarmulkes!
David: Jeff, you know what this means? Now we'll have to let them all go! This is how Mexican Joker breaks free!
Jeff: Hey, that's right. It is. [takes out a pistol and shoots both David and Rodgers in the head, then shoots another agent inside the sleeping area. All three agents die]
Cartman: Whoa!
Jeff: [pulls our his key ring and fumbles for the right key] Mexican Joker, I just want you to remember that I helped you. Jeff Corrigan. Remember, Jeff was your buddy. Now, come on! Let's go, Mexican Joker! [unlocks the gate]
Kyle: Goddamnit, nobody here is Mexican Joker! That's not what I meant! The future is not set! We make decisions now that affect our future!
Jeff: Nobody here is Mexican Joker?
Kyle: NO!!
Jeff: Oh, then I'm in the wrong flashback. [runs off and out of the center, kills a couple of more guards, hops into a car and drives away. The kids listen to the whole thing]
Scene Description: Tegridy Farms, dawn. Inside, the family is having breakfast. Randy paces around the table and takes a seat between Sharon and Stan
Randy: Well, gang. Looks like Tegridy Farms are turning big profits again. We're on our way to becoming the biggest weed brand in the country. I'm not getting pushed around now, you got it? So go on. Anybody here wants to call me a towel, just go ahead and do it! Go on, Sharon. Call me a towel.
Sharon: Fine. You're a towel. [gets up and walks away]
Randy: Best towel you ever had, bitch!


Scene Description: The Marsh house, day. Stan plays an acoustic guitar in his room and hums softly, writing down lyrics from time to time
Randy: [pops in for a moment] Stan! Family meeting! Get downstairs! [leaves]
Stan: I'm writing a song, Dad.
Randy: [returns] Nobody cares about that! Come on! I've got big news! [runs down the hallway and downstairs, laughing, and enters the dining room. Shelley is at the table reading her phone, Sharon is at the sink] Sharon! Shelly! Hurry! I've got it! [runs out to the living room. The others follow him there. Stan has his guitar and sits on the sofa]
Sharon: What is it, Randy?
Randy: You guys, I've just had the greatest idea ever!
Stan: We're gonna move back to our old house?
Randy: No! I've been trying to figure out how to make more money selling weed. And last night, it came to me. We could grow the family business by selling Tegridy... to the Chinese. [an epiphany plays] I did a little research. Turns out there's a lot of people in China. If we can get like 2% of that market to buy our weed, we'd make millions and millions of dollars! I'm flying to China tomorrow. I've got to get in on this before anyone else thinks of it. [walks towards the kitchen]
Sharon: Tomorrow? Ugh! [cuts him off and pulls him aside] Randy, are you forgetting about this Saturday?
Randy: What's this Saturday?
Sharon: Autumnfest? Stan's concert? He and his little friends have been rehearsing all week. A lot of people in town are coming out to support him. Everyone but you?
Randy: Everyone? [turns to Stan and whips out a Tegridy Farms shirt] Stan, you need to wear your Tegridy T-shirt at the performance.
Stan: Aw, come on, Dad!
Randy: Stan, they're available on Amazon starting Friday, so you could really help promote the family business while I'm gone! [walks up to Stan] But, then again, I guess family doesn't mean all that much to you. [tosses the shirt onto Stan and walks away]
Scene Description: Autumn Fest, day. A crowd mills around the festival as more people arrive. A horseshoe lands around a pole and Mr. Tweak is shown rejoicing as Mrs. Tweak and Tweek look on. The Blacks walk away from a food stand. Steve carries a burger while Token holds a cotton candy cone. A couple sings onstage. She plays the banjo while he plays the fiddle.
Kate & Earl: Tumbleweeds and squirrels, my darlin'. Tumbleweeds and squirrels. [the crowd claps for them]
Kate: Yeah.
Mayor McDaniels: Okay, that was the South Park Soundaroos! Thanks again to Kate and Earl! Alright, up next we have four of our local South Park fourth graders who have formed a band. Let's hear it for Stan Marsh and Crimson Dawn. [applause swells]
Sharon: Hi, Stanley! [waves to him as she holds up her phone to record him. Shelley stands next to her, and Grandpa sits behind them. Behind them is the McCormick family. Crimson Dawn gets onstage, with Stan on vocals, Butters on guitar, Kenny on bass, and Jimmy on drums.]
Stephen: Hoh, there's our Butters.
Linda: [swooning] Oh, Butters! Oh, aren't they cute?
Stan: [nervously] Um, hi. We're Crimson Dawn, and um, this is a song I wrote about living out in the country, on a farm.
Jimmy: Alright, f-f-f-fellas, just like we rehearsed it. And-a 1, and-a 2, and -a [death metal music plays.]
Stan: [growls] Fate is over! Open your eyes!
Butters: Get me off this farm!
Stan: There is no hope, no second chance! All the elders saw the fall of the sky! Pride and glory! To touch the sky, we've burned the earth! Built our own infirmity!
Scene Description: A jet airplane, day. Passengers enter the cabin. Randy soon appears and takes a seat next to a passenger who's reading his phone, sets down his satchel, and buckles up.
Randy: First time goin' to China?
Passenger 1: Uhn, no, not really.
Randy: [cheerfully] It's my first time. I'm goin' out to try and drum up a little "business." What are you headin' out for?
Passenger 1: Uh, I work for a clothing company. We're trying to break into the market and get the Chinese people as customers.
Randy: Ohhh, huhuh, heeeyy. Fuck you.
Passenger 1: Huh?
Randy: I, I had that idea like three days ago.
Passenger 1: So what?
Randy: So when did you come up with it? [two other passengers appear two rows behind them.]
Passenger 2: Hehey, Mitchell, you're on this flight?
Mitchell: Yeah, that's so funny! I'm working for Google now, overseeing the expansions into the Chinese user base.
Passenger 2: Heh, yeah, I'm still with the NBA doing some press with the players to try to... get more Chinese viewers.
Randy: [looks around and sees three NBA players come in and put their carry-on luggage in overhead bins] Oh, for Christ's sake! You have a good idea and everyone wants to copy you! Fine! I can handle some healthy competition! Who else wants to go to China and get some of their money?! [a bunch of Disney characters stream in from the front of the cabin] Oh, for cryin' out loud! [Thor sits next to Randy] Let me guess. You work for a company trying to get Chinese people as customers. "Wow, where'd you get that idea?" [a First Order Stormtrooper sits to Thor's right, Snow White to the Passenger 1's left.] It's okay, it's okay. I'm sure there's plenty of Chinese people for all of us.
Scene Description: Tegridy Farms, day. Stan's band is practicing in the barn
Stan (Butters): [growling] Searching, wandering Looking for the perfect specimen. Still pure. (Hate this farm!) Immature. (I hate this farm!) Acknowledged sickness concealed, swaggering! Unseen (Hate this farm!) Wandering (I hate this farm!) Looking for the perfect specimen. [a man appears in the barn doorway and snaps his fingers to the song. Stan notices and stops the music] Okay, okay. Wait uh, hang on, guys. [Stan, Butters and Jimmy look back at the man, Kenny looks at Stan.]
Producer: [claps at them] Very good, boys! [stops clapping] I hear you guys play at Autumnfest. I really like your sound.
Butters: Who are you?
Producer: Well I'm a producer. I manage all the big rock bands in South Park. PC Babies... All of them!.
Jimmy: You manage the PC Babies? Holy smokes, fellas, they're huge!
Stan: You wanna sign us so we can make a record and I can move away from here?
Producer: Records? What, are you, kids, from the '90s!? There's no money in albums or singles or even tours anymore. What we need to focus on... is your biopic.
Stan: Biopic? You want to make the Crimson Dawn Biopic?
Producer: PC Babies' biopic came out last week. Made over $100 million!
Butters: Wow wee!
Kenny: (What do ya think, Stan?)
Producer: Well I'll just let you guys think on it, but don't take too long, huh?
Scene Description: International Airport in China, day. Chinese music plays as Randy walks through the airport and other passengers pick up their luggage. He walks up to customs. Two inspectors check the luggage of two passengers; the female inspector sends them on their way.
Female Inspector: 谢谢。下一位。["Thank you. Next."]
Randy: [puts his suitcase on the scanner] Hello. Howdy. [hands his passport to the male inspector as the female inspector checks out the suitcase.] I'm a small business owner from the United States. You guys know any money people here? [the female inspector unzips the suitcase] Can I give you guys my card? I'm just starting to grow my business here in China. [the female inspector opens the suitcase to reveal the marijuana. The inspectors are shocked.]
Male Inspector: 等一下，你看看这个。["Wait a minute, look at this"]
Female Inspector: What is this, sir?
Randy: Oh that? That's weed. Marijuana. You know. [simulates a smoke and then the smoke drifting away, then smiles. The female calls security over as Randy checks his Chinese translation app.]
Female Inspector: 保安，保安！赶紧过来！["Security, security! Get over here!"]
Randy: Ah, here. Here we go. Jay shi daamaa Tegridy Weed. [an officer just comes up and handcuffs him.] Whoa! Oh hey! Everything alright? What's going on? [the officer takes him away] Uh hey, don-don't forget my suitcase! C-could you grab my suitcase? All my weed is in there! Excuse me! Jay shi daamaa!
Scene Description: Spinny Mountain Records, day. The record producer lays out his plan for the boys. He stands next to a whiteboard with three-act listed on it. The acts haven't been filled in yet.
Producer: What makes a band truly great? It's the desire to be heard, and a commitment to a three-act structure that has a 20-minute setup, about an hour and a half of conflict, and a big, triumphant resolution. SO, let's start at the beginning, gang. When did your band first form?
Stan: Uuummm, it was about two weeks ago.
Butters: Yeah. As a matter of fact, two and a half, three weeks ago, I'd say.
Stan: I hah, I hah, I hadn't seen my friend Kyle, and I hate living on a farm, so I started writing songs.
Producer: That's good, that's good. [writes under Act I] "Lost a close friend. Put loneliness into lyrics."
Butters: Yeah, and then Stan came to me, and then I said "Well I can play the drums."
Jimmy: But he already asked me to play the drums
Butters: Well, so yeah, I, okay, I'll play guitar.
Producer: [writes under Act 2] "Inner conflict over direction of band." Good.
Stan: Oh. And then Kenny learned to play bass watching YouTube videos of John Lennon with the Dalai Lama.
Producer: Oh no oh OH oh yeah, no no, we don't wanna go there. Talking about the Dalai Lama doesn't go over well with the Chinese.
Jimmy: The the the what?
Producer: Look, for this movie to really make money, we need to make sure it clears the Chinese censors, you know. We want those Chinese viewers..
Stan: [somewhat upset] Aw, seriously?
Producer: Oh it's okay, there's plenty of other things to talk about with your story. How about, uh, what kind of things were you into when you were younger?
Butters: Well, I always liked Winnie the Pooh.
Producer: Okay-oh no. Nonono, that's definitely off-limits. Winnie the Pooh is illegal in China because some Chinese students said that he looked like the Chinese president,
Stan: Oh, come on. That's ridiculous!
Producer: Hey, you wanna move away from your family, right? You wanna be successful on your own, right?
Stan: [a bit defeated] Yeah.
Producer: All right. Well, you know what they say you gotta lower your ideals of freedom if you wanna suck on the warm teat of China.
Scene Description: A Chinese prison, rainy day. A group of prisoners is sent across a yard, Randy struggles to keep up. A soldier strikes a prisoner on the left cheek with the butt of a rifle. Next scene is the prisoners assembling toy robots in a dimly lit room. Next scene is the rainy yard again. Randy stands in the middle of it alone as soldiers stand far away from him. One of the soldiers approaches and gives him a card to read, then shocks him to get him to speak.
Randy: Aaaugh. I am a proud member of the Communist Party, The Party is more important than the individual. [next scene has the prisoners assembling dolls in a brightly lit room. Someone is moaning outside, and he goes to the window to see who it is.]
Prisoner 1: 不要！求求你放过我吧！不要，不要，求求你... [A prisoner is on his knees begging for his life. A soldier walks up and just shoots him, and he falls over. Randy is unnerved by this. Randy is then taken to a cell full of prisoners and thrown in. Nearby, a prisoner poops into a hole in the ground. Randy is alarmed]
A familiar voice: Oh, hello there.
Randy: [a bit spooked] Who, who's there?
Winnie the Pooh: Nobody. Just a bear. [steps into the light. Piglet shows up next to him] I was wondering since you're new if you might have... some honey?
Randy: No, I don't have any honey. Are you prisoners here?
Piglet: Some people said Pooh looked like the Chinese p-p-p-president, so we're illegal in China now.
Randy: Jesus. What kind of madhouse is this?
Scene Description: Tribunal, day. Two guards flank a prisoner as he pleads his case. The judge responds and the prisoner gets down on his knees. The guards soon carry him off. The judge asks for the next case, and Randy is brought up
Prisoner 2: 我求你原谅我。我是个很烂的人。我再也不会取笑共产党了。["Please forgive me, I beg you. I'm just a useless person. I won't make fun of the Communist Party anymore."]
Presiding Judge: 你为你的国家和家人为耻。再补上十年！["You have brought shame to your country and your family. Another ten years for you!"]
Prisoner 2: 不要！我求你不要！我不能再回去了，我不能再回去！["No! Please don't! I can't go back, I can't go back!"]
Presiding Judge: 快把下一位带进来！["Bring in the next one!"]
Randy: Your Honors, I'm just a simple farmer, from a simpler time. Now, I've never been to China before, but I hate to say I'm a little disappointed in all of you. From what I've seen, you seem to treat your people like dirt. You don't believe in any individual freedoms. I mean, you got Winnie the Pooh and Piglet in jail! Now, come on, China! You know, a country ain't nothin' unless it's got decency and in-tegrity! And I think I speak for Pooh and Piglet and all of Disney when I say you could use some 'tegrity, China! [brightens up] Now, it just so happens that I own a Tegridy farm. And I think I might be able to work out a deal for all you nice folk.
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Stan, Jimmy, Kenny, and Butters walk down the hallway.
Stan: This is so awesome, you guys. Our band is gonna be huge.
Butters: Yeah. And, we're gonna be rich.
Kenny: (They're the same thing.)
Jimmy: [annoyed] Yeah. Isn't this just great?
Stan: Hey. What's wrong, Jimmy?
Jimmy: Fella, I need to tell you something. I think I'm homosexual. And also, I'm addicted to cocaine.
Butters: Oh, that's okay, Jimmy.
Stan: Yeah, we can get you a liver transplant.
Producer: Cut! Cut! Listen, guys, we uh just got word back from the Chinese censors. They don't want us mentioning organ transplants.
Stan: How come?
Producer: Well, they've been accused of harvesting from the-look look, it doesn't matter. They, they just said "no" to the organ stuff. Oh, and uhh, no homosexuality either.
Stan: No homosexuality?! We're trying to do a band biopic!
Butters: Yeah! And what's wrong with homosexuality anyway?!
Producer: Nothing. Unless you wanna make money in China. Now come on! Everyone back to one!
Scene Description: A convention, somewhere. Disney, Marvel, and Star Wars characters from Pirates of the Caribbean, Beauty and the Beast, The Avengers, Frozen, Snow White, Winnie the Pooh, Aladdin, and others stand around chatting with each other.
Mickey Mouse: [opens the door and enters the hall] All right?! Who's the asshole?! Which one of you decided to go and start badmouthing the Chinese government?! Haha. Who here thought they had permission to say anything critical of Chinese politics?!
Thor: Well, it is true, sir. The Chinese seem to exploit their own people in forced labor cam-
Mickey: SHUT THE FUCK UP, THOR! You're here to flex and not speak, you fucking bitch!
Pooh: Please, Mr. Marsh was only standing up for me and Piglet because we were political prisoners.
Mickey: YOU are a fat diabetic bear, and if the Chinese don't want you, then I don't either! Now, who the fuck is Mr. Marsh?!
Randy: Uhhh, that's me. Randy Marsh
Mickey: Who is this?! I don't know you?! Are you from Pixar?!
Randy: No, I'm from South Park.
Mickey: What's South Park? Do I own that?!
Off-Screen Assistant: No, not yet sir.
Mickey: You're telling me, haha, that I'm losing Chinese customers because of some shithead that's not even from MY company?!
Randy: Hey, hold on a minute! Do you really think this business should be run through intimidation and fear?! Whatever happened to old-time values?! You already have business with the Chinese. You have all the connections money can buy! But there's one thing you don't have. That's Tegridy. Now, it just so happens-
Scene Description: Mr. Mackey's office, day.
Mr. Mackey: Boys, I understand you have a band at the school?
Stan: Yeah. what's wrong with that?
Mr. Mackey: Well, boys, it seems to me like your music is kind of... angry. M'kay? I mean, it's really loud, m'kay, and it's a little angry.
Stan: Yeah, because I hate living on a farm 30 miles out of town!
Jimmy: Yeah, tell him, Stan!
Stan: I can't stand my dad anymore, and if I want to do death metal, I can! It's a free country!
Producer: Cut! Cut! Cut, cut. [flanked by two Chinese officials] Ah kids, let's not say anything about this being a free country.
Stan: Aw, come on!
Producer: Hey! These guys were nice enough to come all the way from China to help us with our standards. We can at least listen to their notes. [One of the two men whispers into his ear.] Oh. Oka-okay. Okay. [to the boys] Actually gang, we need to rewrite the whole second act.
Stan: But that will take forever!
Producer: Come on, guys! Everyone else is fine with China approving our entertainment. Even the PC Babies don't seem to mind, and PC Babies cry about everything. [approaches Stan] They just gotta rewrite the script before we continue shooting. Go back to your room and just write your story. It has to come from your heart.
Scene Description: The Chinese tribunal, day. Mickey is making his case. He now tries to sell the Chinese on Randy's business proposal, and just like in South Park, the proposal was rejected. Mickey and Randy sit on a bench smoking weed. Mickey is pissed off.
Mickey: It's like, it's like they didn't even wanna listen.
Randy: They didn't listen at all? But I... wuh-why not?
Mickey: It's the bear. They're still pissed off about the bear.
Randy: But for what?
Mickey: 'Cause some Chinese people on the Internet starting posting pictures of their President as Winnie the Pooh. It's a real thing. Look it up. [on Tegridy] Man, this is really good shit.
Randy: What if we took their side, then? What if we showed China that we understand how they feel to be made fun of on the Internet?
Scene Description: Tegridy Farms, night. Stan is in his room working on the second act. He hears the producer's words in his mind: "Remember: write your story. The script has to come from your heart." He begins to write, then picks up speed and smiles. He's found his groove. A Chinese censor walks up behind him and looks over his work. The censor walks some more, then turns and scribbles over the script. Stan looks up, surprised, but starts over. The censor paces behind him and stops again to scribble the script out. Stan sighs. Annoyed, Stan shields his paper and starts writing again. When he's finished, he hands the script to the censor, who finds it funny, but he reaches a part he doesn't find funny.
Censor: 嗯？这是什么？！你给中国人丢脸啊！["Huh? What is this? This is a disgrace to the Chinese people!"] [The censor rips the script apart. Stan sighs again and tosses the pencil aside, pulls out his laptop, and start writing the script there. The Censor looks on, then intervenes, and rewrites the script. They go back and forth working on the script. After yet another edit, Stan rests his head on his left hand.]
Stan: Now I know how all the writers in Hollywood feel. [the censor laughs, then complains.]
Censor: 嗯？这是什么？！["Huh? What is this?"]
Scene Description: Beihing, day. In a Chinese bazaar, Pooh and Piglet wander freely.
Piglet: My Goodness. China sure is a big p-p-p-p-place.
Pooh: Yes, Piglet. It is. Too big, I think, to find what I need. [turns left into a shop] Excuse me.
Merchant: Huh?
Pooh: Would you happen to have... some honey?
Merchant: 啊！我不要麻烦！我不要麻烦！走！["Ah! Don't bother me, don't bother me! Leave!"]
Pooh: Oh bother. This just doesn't seem to be the place... for a bear.
Piglet: [looks right] Wait. Pooh. Loo-l-l-look, look. [Winnie looks. In the middle of an alley is a table with a jar of honey on it.]
Pooh: Ooo, piglet! What wonderful luck! [rushes to the table and starts gobbling up the honey.] What delicious honey! Mmm. I would like to share, Piglet. Perhaps... I will share. In just a few more slurps, I can. [Randy pounces up behind him and chokes him with a cable, then takes him down to the pavement]
Piglet: [looks on in horror] W-W-What are you do-Wha-No! Ohh! [Pooh continues to struggle, as blood begins to come out his neck. It takes a while, but Randy gets it done. Pooh is dead. Randy's face is covered in Pooh's blood.]
Scene Description: South Park, day. The boys sit on the sidewalk curb
Stan: I can't do it anymore, you guys. I can't even think with the Chinese government censoring everything I write.
Butters: So there's not gonna be a biopic movie for us?
Stan: It's so wrong. You know, I mean, we live in a time when the only movies us American kids go see are ones that are approved by China.
Jimmy: Yeah. It' like China is the new MPAA.
Butters: Stinks to say goodbye to all that biopic money and glory.
Stan: We just gotta face it. A death metal band is never gonna make real money anymore. The only band that would get approved by China would be all vanilla and cheesy. [gets emotional] I'm gonna have to live on that fucking farm forever. [lowers his head and sobs quietly. Butters comforts him. The ICE bus pulls up and drops off Kyle and Cartman.]
Stan: [looks up] Kyle! Dude, you're back! [rushed up to meet him. The other boys follow.]
Cartman: Yeah, the migrant detention camp was kewl, but it kinda rubs Kyle the wrong way. [puts up his right hand and points to it with his left]
Kyle: Anything happen while we were gone?
Stan: Not really. We just almost had a biopic made for our band, but ...wait a minute... [his eyes dart around as he thinks] Wait, vanilla and cheesy! I've got it. I've got it!
Scene Description: Broncs, Live Aid, 1984, at Invesco Field. This is a fabrication, as the boys weren't alive back then, or they'd be men now. Jimmy walks up to the drums and starts drumming. Butters walks in playing electric guitar and wails away. Stan, Kyle, Cartman and Kenny walk in dressed in their Fingerbang outfits
Fingerbang: Fingerbang-bang! Bang bang. Fingerbang-bang! Bangbangbang. I'm gonna fingerbang-bang you into my life Girl, you like to fingerbang, and it's alright. 'Cause I'm the king of fingerbang; let's not fight I'm goin' tuh fingerbang-bang-
Stan: Cut. Cut, cut! [the special effects disappear and the green screen in the gym is shown] This is all wrong.
Producer: No, it's good, kids! They're loving it!
Stan: Yeah, but I can't sell my soul like this. I want to get away from that farm, more than anything, but it's not worth living in a world where China controls my country's art. [one of the censor's protests] I don't care how many people you have! I've got something in me that just won't let me be a part of all this.
Butters: Yeah! Whatever it is, I got it too!
The others: Yeah!
Stan: I wanna be proud of who we are, guys! And anybody who would betray their ideals just to make money in China isn't worth a lick of spit!
Scene Description: a Chinese video, similar to the gentrification commercials of Season 19. An acoustic guitar slowly plays over live-action footage of the 2015 China Victory Day Parade as well as people smoking, prisoners marching and clashes between protesters and riot police.
Narrator: Us Chinese people have always liked things the old fashioned way. We like things a little simpler, a little quieter. And now, there's a new weed that goes along with China's beating heart. Because after a hard day of forced labor, or getting beaten for criticizing the government, we all could use a little time with some good ol'... It's the soul of the American West, right here in mother China. All hail the Communist Party, and all hail Tegridy weed.
Scene Description: Tegridy Farms, day. A tractor backs up with a load of cash and dumps it onto the entrance. then drives off. Inside, the Marshes are eating dinner. Randy is back home but covered in Pooh's blood. He takes a hit from his joint.
Randy: Well, gang, looks like the family business is starting to really turn the corner. I don't know about you, but I, for one, think the world is gonna be a better, and safer, place, now that China finally has Tegridy.[takes another hit]
Stan: [notices his dad's appearance] Dad, why are you covered in honey and blood? [Randy just looks over his appearance] Dad? Did you kill Winnie the Pooh?
Randy: Winnie the Pooh, Winnie the Pooh- Oh, yeah, I did kill Winnie the Pooh. [Stan just gets up and leaves.] Where are ya goin', Stan?
Stan: I'm going to go write another song about you.
Randy: Ooo, about me? Make sure it talks about me bringing Tegridy to China!


Scene Description: Tegridy Farms, evening. A cake with "300" in candle form is shown. Randy is carrying the plate it's on
Randy: Happy 300 to us. Happy 300 to us. Happy 300, Tegridy Farms.
Sharon, Stan, Shelley: [looking away in disgust] Ugh!
Randy: Happy 300 thousand dollars. Can you believe it, gang? We've broken $300,000 selling weed. [gets a cold reception] Not to be a dick, but I remember when you, Sharon, and you, Shelley, said buying a pot farm was a [air quotes] "stupid" idea. Now we're living the dream.
Shelley: You're living the dream. This is your dream!
Randy: [waits a few seconds] You know, [scoffs] is it me, or are people starting to not be that stoked on Tegridy Farms? [silence] Are you guys still pissed off about the China thing? [silence] You may not like that I do business with China [picks up the knife on the table], but personally, I think you guys having a problem with China is racist. Now come on! Let's celebrate 300! [starts to slice the cake] Who wants shots?!
Sharon: Shots?!
Scene Description: A clinic, day. Cartman sits on the exam bed in his briefs
Cartman: No shots! No shots!
Liane: Eric, you have to be a big boy.
Doctor: [starts to fill up a syringe] Big boys get a toy from the toy chest.
Cartman: [voice rising as the doctor draws closer] No! No! No! No! No! [screeches]
Doctor: [stops] Eric, it's just a little prick.
Cartman: [laughs, and the doctor gets even closer] No! No! No! Noooooo!
Liane: Good boy, Eric! [Cartman panics and jumps all over the place, knocking over bottles and breaking glass everywhere before just running around evading capture]
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. PC Principal is talking to Liane and Eric in his office.
PC Principal: Our school now has a very strict policy when it comes to immunizations. Everyone has to follow the protocol, or it puts everyone at risk.
Liane: I'm sorry, PC Principal. It's just that my little Eric really doesn't like shots.
PC Principal: Well, Eric, nobody likes shots. They're just a fact of life.
Liane: No no, you don't understand. I-I've taken him to the doctor every Friday for the past four years. They try to give him his shot, but he gets scared and runs around. and he squeals like a little pig. The doctors try to catch him, but Eric greases himself up so they can't.
PC Principal: I'm sorry, but my hands are tied here. If Eric isn't immunized, then he cannot go to this school.
Liane: [sobbing] Please! I've tried everything! You have to let Eric go to school! I work all day, and without school, he'll just... he'll just have nothing!
PC Principal: What do you think's gonna be different next time you try?
Liane: Ih- if you could offer Eric something. Uhm, sometimes when Eric behaves this way, I think of a gift or a treat of some kind.
Cartman: Oh, that's a good idea.
PC Principal: Like, what are you thinking?
Liane: I don't know.
Cartman: Like, maybe, exclusive use of the tetherball court at recess for the next two months?
Liane: Oh, w-would that be possible?
PC Principal: What I care most about is the safety of the students, so if you take your shots, then I'll agree..
Cartman: Sweet.
Liane: Eric, you really have to do it this time, okay? When we're at the doctor's you can't change your mind.
Cartman: [smiles] I won't change my mind.
Scene Description: Clinic waiting room, Friday morning. It's calm at the clinic until a pig's squeal is heard, along with the sound of things crashing and glass breaking. The doctor's office door opens and Cartman runs out naked on all fours squealing like a pig down the hallway, The doctor gives chase.
Liane: [steps out of the office with Eric's clothes, trying to stay calm] Eric, it's okay! [the doctor tackles him and holds him for a while, but Cartman breaks free and runs into the receptionist's office, startling her. Papers fly up in the air and more glass breaks.]
Doctor: [gives up and walks back to Liane] I'm sorry, but I have a lot of other patients to see. We'll just have to try again next week. [goes back into his office and closes the door]
Liane: Come on, Eric, we're going home!
Cartman: [peeks out over the counter] We're going home? You promise?
Liane: [frustrated] Let's go! Get in the car! [Cartman hops over the counter and follows Liane]
Cartman: Wait, can I get a toy from the toy chest?
Liane: [off-screen] One toy, Eric!
Cartman: Cool! [reaches into the chest and grabs a toy, then goes out the door. He didn't bother putting his clothes back on.]
Scene Description: Downtown South Park, day. People are milling around as normal. Two motorcycle cops slowly drive by with their sirens chirping, and a float is heard approaching with marching band fanfare. The float appears - it's Randy standing at the top of the float celebrating his $300,000 achievement.
Randy: [speaking over a loudspeaker] Yeah! 300! Tegridy Farms! Hello, South Park! Thanks for making Tegridy the most profitable farm in South park! We couldn't have done it without you, so here! [randomly tosses beads at people] Here are some beads! ["China" by Red Rocker begins to plays] Here you go! Beads for everybody! I've got $300,000! China, China! Da da, ya ya, history It was la lal la, China! China, China! [The townspeople don't know what to do as the beads continue to fly. Randy then drops his pants and starts to swing his penis around. Two motorcycle cops follow him out, chirping their sirens, and a janitor sweeps up after them] Alright, China!
Scene Description: South Park Elementary cafeteria, lunchtime. The boys and Craig's gang are having lunch together.
Butters: So then I guess the school said Eric can't come here no more, and so he's been, like, kicked out.
Kyle: Cartman can't come to this school anymore?
Butters: Yeah, and he was actually kind of upset about it, because he said on the phone that he has to do homeschooling with this really mean teacher.
Kyle: Oh my God. [smiles] I don't know how long this will last, but I'm gonna savor every minute.
Cartman: [runs to the table] Hey guys! I'm back in school! I'm allowed back, and it's all good.
Stan: You got your shots?
Cartman: No. I don't have to get my shots, ever! [pushes Kyle and Kenny to wedge himself inbetween them and sits down] And they can't do anything about it, because I'm a "consciousness objector."
Token: A conscientious objector?
Cartman: Yeah I told the school, I said "Look, you guys, I happen to have 'religious, moral, or philosophical convictions'." And so- and I said "I believe that 'health and disease should not be controlled by vaccination'." Those are my beliefs! And besides, I don't want to risk immunizations making me artistic. [sniffles]
Stan: Dude, Cartman, don't you know that if you don't get immunized, you actually put people at risk who-
Cartman: [turns to Kenny] One second, one second. [gets ready to sneeze on Kenny] Sorry. One second, gotta sneeze. [nothing comes] Oh, never mind, never mind. [turns back to the others] I'm sorry. What were you saying?
Stan: I'm saying that we all had to get shots, and actually, if just one person doesn't- [Cartman sneezes and gets mucus all over his hands.]
Cartman: Oh! Snot web. I'll be right back, you guys. [leaves the table and walks around] Can somebody get me a paper towel? I got a snot web here. [leaves the cafeteria] Consciousness objector coming through!
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, night. There's a parent-teacher meeting at the school gym. The parents are all discussing the situation
PC Principal: Alright everyone, listen up. [the crowd quiets down] I understand your frustration, but a government organization like a school cannot impose its will on a conscientious objector..
Stephen: It's not safe for our kids to be in this school! You do understand that up to 5% of kids with vaccines can still be at risk! Everyone has to do it, or it doesn't matter!
Thomas: Yeah. I don't quite see how it's fair that all the rest of our community agrees to this. Why does one family get to have a problem with it?
Liane: I'm sorry. It's just my strong, personal belief that [gets out a sheet of paper and reads] "among other things, vaccines contain harmful ingredients formaldehyde, aluminum, and even mercury."
Stephen: Aw, come on, Mrs. Cartman! All major medical organizations state that vaccines are safe! The CDC, the FDA, UNICEF, and the US Department of Health!
Liane: Yes, yes, I know, but... [reads from her sheet] "We can't even risk a 0.1% chance of vaccinations making our children artistic."
Jimbo: Well, that's true. There are enough artists in the world.
Sheila: Look, I don't know what kind of mother wouldn't vaccinate their child, but it's putting everyone in danger, and that's why-
Liane: [her frustration come through and she moves towards Sheila] Then you try to catch him! [stabs her index finger towards Sheila] You try it! Don't you people criticize me until you've taken Eric to the doctor and you've tried to hold him down! I'm a good mother! Don't you dare question if I care about my child!
Stuart: Oh, shit.
Stephen: Of, of course you care. Nobody likes seeing their child in pain. Maybe... maybe you should just let us take care of getting Eric his shots.
Liane: [shaking with frustration] You don't understand how hard it is!
Stephen: We'll find a way to make it completely painless for him, okay?
Scene Description: Cartman's room, night. He's sound asleep in his bed. Liane looks in on him, then moves on to her own room, where she turns the light on and off a few times. Downstairs, the living room door opens and Stephen enters quietly, followed by Linda, then by Gerald and Sheila. They all sneak across the living room to the stairs, then stop
Stephen: Alright, alright. Bring him in. [Richard and Mrs. Tweek enter with the doctor] The little boy's room is upstairs.
Liane: [coming down the stairs] Oh, I don't know if I can go through with this. My little Eric is going to be so mad at me!
Stephen: Look, by the time he knows what's happened it'll already be over.
Liane: Did you bring his boo-boo present?
Stephen: Yes, yes. Come on, Thomas and Laura! [the Tuckers bring in a Hot Wheels racing game, with Linda Williams bringing in a sign saying "You Did It, ERIC"] Okay, see? We got the present, everything's gonna be fine. [leads the group upstairs and into Cartman's room. He makes room for the doctor, who puts his medicine kit on the bed, prepares a vaccine, and draws it close to Cartman]
Cartman: [sensing someone nearby, wakes up] Hey, what's going on? [instictively, he bolts from bed runs around in a panic] No, no. Nooooo! [jumps off the bed]
Doctor 2: It'll just be for a second!
Stephen: [tries to catch him] Oh, Jesus! [the others crowd in, but can't catch him]
Liane: Eric, there's a big treat for you if you stay still!
Linda Stotch: Catch him! [Cartman leaves his room and runs down the stairs, taking his clothes off on the way down]
Stephen: Thomas! Linda! Yo-you gotta get him! [Cartman sees them and turns tail, running into the kitchen. He gets a jar of lard and scoops out lard to spread on himself. The doctor finds him and gives chase again. Cartman runs back into the living room, runs around, and Thomas tackles him for a moment. Cartman breaks free and runs out the front door. The others follow him out]
Liane: Eric! Oh! [goes to look for him]
Gerald: Well, what do we do now?
Stephen: I think the only way we're goin' to get Eric immunized is by bringing in an expert.
Scene Description: An awards shelf, day. Western music plays as all the awards given to Mesquite Murph are shown. The phone rings
Murph: [shown] This is Big Mesquite Murph. How can I help you? You say you got yourself a conscientious objector? Well, you just sit tight. There aren't never no hog that Big Mesquite Murph couldn't catch.
Scene Description: Tegridy Farms, day. Randy has a new commercial for Tegridy Weed
Randy: [jumps into the scene] How many thousand dollars has Tegridy Farms made selling weed? $300,000! [the numbers cover the screen and blink] It's a 300-palooza! [makes snow angels on a pile of $1 bills] Come on down and see what we've got! [drives his tractor]
Deep voices: WHAT WE'VE GOT.
Randy: We've got $300,000, just selling [echo comes up] all this weed! [aerial shot of the weed lot. Next, he holds a joint] And this month we're celebrating all our new customers in China! [dances in the barn to reggae music with a Chinese flag and various Chinese take-out foods behind him] We're celebrating with new T-shirts! [they say] "Tegridy Farms made $300,000 and all I got was high." Get yours for just ten bucks! '[the shirt is shown with "$10" blinking and throbbing over it] We couldn't have done it without you! Remember, that's $300,000! [Randy has his feet up on a table in the barn. Randy turns the TV off with the remote control] Well? What'd you think, guys?
Sharon: How much did you spend making that commercial?
Randy: Who cares, Sharon? Business is up.
Sharon: Nobody cares about your stupid $300,000! We've become the kind of business that we moved out here to get away from! You know why the Chinese buy our weed?! It's to plant on their student protesters so they can put them in jail!
Randy: Yeah. We make money either way.
Sharon: You don't care how anyone else feels! We bought this farm together, Randy! Or did you forget that?! [leaves]
Shelley: I hate marijuana! [follows her mom out]
Randy: [gasps] Shelley!
Stan: I hate marijuana too! [follows them out]
Randy: [gasps] Stan!
Scene Description: The Cartman residence. Liane comes in through the back door from shopping and finds Cartman sitting at the breakfast table seething quietly
Liane: Oh, Eric. I... wasn't sure if you'd be up yet. [drops the groceries on the kitchen counter, giggles, and walks over to Cartman] Eric, you know I only want what's best for my snookums.
Cartman: You read me a bedtime story. You tucked me in. And then you let half the town into my room to try and give me a shot against my will.
Liane: It was supposed to make it easier on you, a-and they didn't catch you anyway.
Cartman: [points at her] This is goodbye, Mom! I can't live with you anymore! [sulks into the living room. Liane follows]
Liane: Eric, please! You don't know how hard it is to be a parent! Sometimes we don't know the right thing to do!
Cartman: So you go along with society and and try to force immunizations on me, even knowing the health risks! What if immunizations made my friend Timmy the way he is?! What if they made Jimmy the way he is?! What if they made Token the way he is?
Liane: Eric, when I was at the store, I bought you some Little Debbie creme pies and-
Cartman: That isn't gonna work this time, Mom! I don't want to be around you anymore! [marches over to the front door and opens it] So I don't know where you're gonna stay, but you'll just have to figure it out! I've already packed your things. [a suitcase and duffle bag await her]
Liane: Sweetie, you can't live on your own.
Cartman: You should have thought of that before you made this house a nightmare for me. Goodbye, Mother! [looks out into the street, then points the way out to her. She grabs the suitcase and duffle bag and walks out the door. He turns to walk back to the kitchen, but is confronted with Mig Mesquite Murph.]
Murph: [puts on his grappling gloves] Alright, young'un. We can do this the easy way, or we can do it hard. [prepares the injection, and Cartman knows what's coming. He begins to run around]
Cartman: Weeaak! No, no! [runs around]
Murph: Yeeee-haaww! [tries to lasso him, but knocks down the lamp instead] Suuuweee! [tries again, but Cartman slips away and runs upstairs.]
Scene Description: Skeeter's Wine Bar, afternoon. Murph gets a shot of whiskey from Skeeter - his fourth one. He downs it in one gulp. Stephen approaches him with the others who went to Cartman's room
Stephen: Well, what happened?
Murph: I ain't never seen no hog like that. It's like it could in two places at once.
Stephen: You said you could catch him!
Murph: Well I did catch him! Got him locked up in a pen! It's just every time I bring out that needle, he becomes like a hog tornado! But I'll get 'im!
Richard: Yeah. Or maybe you just believe a little bit that vaccinations shouldn't be mandated for school attendance due to possible still-unknown side effects.
Murph: [narrows his eyes] Don't you question me. If anyone believes the most common side effect of vaccines, anaprophylaxis, occurs in only 1 per several hundred thousand to one per million vaccinations, it's Big Mesquite Murph! Now this hog you got here, he's contained, but now I need help getting him his shots. The only way we're gonna get him, is we gotta build a big enclosed pen, about a hundred feet in diameter. I'm also gonna need the best wranglers flown in from Wichita. And I'm gonna need some loud music, and some barbecue.
Stephen: Barbecue?
Scene Description: Tegridy Farms, a cloudy day. A purple minivan is parked at the entrance. Liane rings the doorbell, and Randy answers
Randy: Mrs. Cartman?
Liane: Hello, Randy. I'm... sorry to trouble you, but... I don't know where to turn. I was hoping maybe... I could buy some gumdrops.
Randy: Whoa whoa! What's goin' on?
Liane: My son.. hates me. The whole town... hates me. Nobody thinks I'm a good mom, [gets emotional] and I don't know if I am anymore!
Randy: Okay, okay. Come on. Let's get you inside and get you some weed. [shows her in and takes her to the backyard, where there is another wooden swing. They sit in it]
Liane: It all happened gradually, you know? [smokes a joint] I don't know why everyone's against me. Even my own son. [hands the joint to Randy]
Randy: Believe me, I know how that feels. [smokes the joint] You try to do what's best for your family and all you do is get shit on. [hands the joint to Liane]
Liane: I know immunizations are probably for the best, [smokes the joint] but then you read some of this stuff on the Internet [hands the joint to Randy] and, I don't know, it's scary.
Randy: That's just it. [smokes the joint] When it comes to families, we have to do what we think is best.
Liane: It doesn't matter. They're having an all-county mandated immunization roundup tonight. Any child not immunized is about to be.
Randy: All-county immunization roundup? What's that?
Scene Description: The immunization roundup, night.
Announcer: Good evenin' everybody, and welcome to the CDC Child Immunization Challenge. This here special event is sponsored by Voices for Vaccines and also by Chevy. So with all that out the way, let's get to some action! [the crowd cheers. The gate opens and a blond boy steps forth and looks around.] First up, we have Danny Ray Johnson out of Bailey, Colorado. He has not been immunized since kindergarten. He says he just don't like needles. [a doctor comes out of the adjacent gate the vaccine ready]
Danny: No! Nooo- [shrieks and runs away. The doctor gives chase]
Announcer: And there they go! [they run around the barrels and the crowd cheers them on]
Danny: No! Nooo- [shrieks and runs away when he sees Murph jump off the gate and join the chase. Two rodeo clowns join the chase soon after, but none of them can catch him. Cartman gets restless behind his gate. A wrangler takes Danny down]
Cartman: Ah, AAAH! [the wrangler hog-ties Danny and sets him down for the doctor to deliver the vaccine in the butt through the pants, then takes his hat and waves it around to applause.]
Announcer: He stuck him in the left buttocks; that is an 8.7 score right there. [more cheering. Cartman gets more restless] Alright, let's hear it for little Danny Ray, folks. [a clown unties him and he walks off smarting from the shot] He's a little worse for wear, but now he can pick himself up a nice little toy from the toy chest. [Danny does just that. Cartman is really worked up now]
Cartman: [snorts] I've gotta get out of here!
Scene Description: Tegridy Farms, a clear, starry night. The clouds have cleared and Liane and Randy are still talking, sitting on bales of hay. Randy's the one bawling now.
Randy: It's just... it's like, can't people see us trying to do what's best for my family? I'm trying to provide for them by running a business. I'm sorry if I make mistakes.
Liane: I know, Randy. Other parents expect me to deal with Eric-
Randy: And I get it from both sides, because my family's pissed off at me too.
Liane: ...I understand.
Randy: No, you don't!
Liane: Yes, I do.
Randy: [garbled] No, you don't! Nobody understands.
Liane: Randy, we both tried to do the best for our family. [gets up and walks away] And sometimes, when we're afraid of being judged, we can push our family away.
Randy: Yeah, like, everybody's doing business with China. It's like "get over it."
Liane: You should just feel lucky that you have a partner in doing what's right for your family.
Randy: I am. I'm afraid I haven't been very kind to that partner lately. I think maybe it's time for an apology.
Liane: Thanks for the talk, Randy. And for the weed. [turns and goes to the barn entrance.]
Randy: Where are you going?
Liane: [turns to look at him] I'm going to do the only thing I know how to do: be a mom. [turns around and heads out]
Scene Description: The CDC Child Immunization Challenge, later. This time, a girl has been lassoed and shot
Announcer: All right, and that is Dr. Chet Mowlins that just gave that girl her DTaP booster [the wrangler unties the girl and she goes for her toy] and her HPV vaccination. That is for genital warts. Way to go, Chet. Hey, folks, let's hear it for all these wranglers tonight. They're working extra-hard to bring immunity to your community. [cheers go up] Alright, folks, we are now ready for the main event. This young man has never had a single immunization. [Cartman is in the pen still trying to break free] He says he's an orthodox Jew and a conscientious objector. [Cartman stops and takes his clothes off] Everyone put your hands together now for little Eric "The South Park Piggy" Cartman. [the gate flies open, and a nude Cartman backs into a corner. Murph shows up.]
Murph: [jumps into the pen from the top of it] Suuuuwieee! [Cartman runs into the ring. The wranglers begin their chase]
Announcer: There he goes, folks. Dear Lord, he's a slippery one.
Scene Description: A lookout point over town, night. Randy drives up with Towelie and parks
Randy: Do you remember we used to come here and look over the town lights together?
Towelie: ...Yeah, so what?! Then you turned into an asshole!
Randy: I brought you here to apologize, Towelie. I let the money go to my head. I... I got greedy and I started acting like a towel. I need you back. I need Tegridy back, the way it used to be.
Towelie: No more harassin' homegrowers?
Randy: No more harassing homegrowers.
Towelie: No more dealin' with those Med Men assholes?
Randy: No more Med Men.
Towelie: No more kissin' China's ass?
Randy: China's actually a free and loving country that-
Towelie: I'm out. [gets out of the car and leaves]
Randy: [gets out of the car and chases after him] Wait, wait, Towelie, come on! I need you!
Towelie: [stops and turns around] I'm never workin' for a company that's regulated by a communist government!
Randy: Okay, okay. No more selling to the Chinese.
Towelie: Then say it! Say "Fuck the Chinese government!"
Randy: [softly] Fuck the Chinese government.
Towelie: I didn't hear you!
Randy: Fuck the Chinese government! There!
Towelie: ...Well... you just got your partner back. [they run into each other's arms and hug]
Randy: Hahaha! This is it. This is the moment that Tegridy Farms got back on track.
Scene Description: The CDC Child Immunization Challenge, later. Cartman is still evading capture
Announcer: Dear Lord, we are going on 16 minutes here and ain't nobody caught this young'un. This might very well be a world record you're seeing here, folks.
Liane: [rushing through the crowd] Get out of my way! Move it!
Stephen: Whoa whoa, Mrs. Cartman. Everything is fine here. [she punches him out of the way and climbs a barrier]
Sheila: [grabs onto Liane's ankle] It's okay, Liane. They know what they're doing. [Liane kicks her away. Liane then tackles the rodeo clown and punches him]
Announcer: Oh, looks like we got a concerned parent in there trying to take issue with their child's well-being. [Liane goes after the lead wrangler and punches him out, then punches out the wrangler behind him]
Cartman: Mom! [Murph has wrangled him and is hog-tying him]
Liane: Leave my son a [slow motion takes over here] lone! [she jumps to shield Cartman, a doctor jumps to vaccinate him. She reaches Cartman first, causing the vaccine to enter her butt instead] AHHHH!
Crowd: OHHHH! [the arena is quiet. Liane removed the rope from Cartman and he hugs her. They walk off together]
Liane: [stops to address the crowd] I know I'm not the greatest mom in the world. I do the best I can. Whatever happens now is going to be done my way. Come on, Eric. [remove the syringe from her butt and throws it away, then they move on]
Cartman: [stops] Wait, Mom? [points to the toy chest]
Liane: [turns around, now furious] No, Eric! No shots, no toy!
Cartman: What?? [she takes him by the hand and pulls him away]
Scene Description: Family Medical Clinic, day. Cartman and Liane are there again, but this time, Cartman is in the lobby. His doctor comes out of the office and walks up to him
Cartman: Okay, doctor. I'm ready for my shot.
Doctor: Eric, I've been speaking with your mother. I'm afraid there's some bad news.
Cartman: Bad news? What are you talking about? Mom?
Doctor: Your mother received a heavy dose of vaccine that wasn't meant for an adult. I'm afraid there have been... side effects.
Cartman: [panics] What side effects? MOM? [runs to the office] MOM! [opens the door] Mom, are you here, Mo- [gasps loudly as his jaw drops. Liane is painting a still life]
Liane: [softly] Eric...
Cartman: Noooooooo... Noooooooo...


Scene Description: Tegridy Farms, day. The Marshes sit at table and Randy comes in with laptop and coffee
Randy: Good morning, everyone. 'morning. So, listen guys. We are not in good shape. The whole "doing business in China" thing has sort of bitten us in the ass, [the projector screen comes on.] and now we aren't selling enough weed to keep up with our costs. [turns to look at a growth chart projected on a portable screen behind him.] You see this? This right here? That's us plateauing. We no longer get any of that sweet Chinese money, and now, all the money we do make doesn't even cover our expenses. [the same chart is on the laptop he was looking at earlier] So, [turns back to the table] how do we sell more weed? Stan.
Stan: [after several seconds] I don't know... Do like a sale. Like, a Fall sale?
Randy: Not good enough! Shelly?!
Shelly: I hate marijuana.
Randy: Nice attitude! How do we sell more weed? Sharon?
Sharon: If you don't make commercials or do more parades for the town, we'd have more money.
Randy: Right. Cut out all our marketing. That's Sharon's great idea, everyone. Towelie?
Towelie: You know what the problem is? It's the schwag. All those stands and seeds, they just go to waste, man.
Randy: Go on.
Towelie: It's like, we sell all the good parts of the weed, but we throw away, like, tons and tons of all the leftover shit. You can sell that crap as mulch to a hardware company.
Randy: Mulch. [looks at the graph] Use our discarded product to recover costs. [to the table] Everyone, great job. You just got powned by a towel.
Scene Description: The school cafeteria, lunchtime. The students stand in line to get their lunches in the kitchen.
Cartman: '[singing]' It's Sloppy Joe day!
Cartman and Butters: '[singing]' It's Sloppy Joe day!
Cartman: I seriously think that Sloppy Joe day is my favorite day at school.
Butters: Yeah, it's the best.
Cartman and Butters: '[singing]' Sloppy Joe day! It's Sloppy Joe day!
A new Cook: Come on, keep the line moving, kids! [in view are Butters, Cartman , and Scott. Cartman notices that what he sees on his plate doesn't look like sloppy Joe.]
Cartman: What is this?
Cook: That's today's lunch. It's "feesh."
Cartman: Feesh?
Butters: But, but this is Sloppy Joe day.
Cook: Yeah? Well, the menu's been changed. We had kids complainin' our food wasn't healthy or sustainable enough, so don't you start bitchin' about it now.
Cartman: What kids were complaining about health and sustainability?! What kids would care at all that- [gasps] the girls!
Butters: The girls?
Cartman: The fucking girls! [the three boys walk over to the girls' table] Excuse me?! Can someone explain to us why this [holds forth his lunch] is on our lunch trays?!
Butters: Yeah, it's supposed to be sloppy Joe day!
Wendy: We asked for healthier options and to sometimes have food for those of us who don't eat red meat.
Cartman: Oh my God. I'm about to lose my mind. [gets excited] You think you can just mess with a man's lunch?!
Butters: It's okay, Eric. I-
Cartman: You think that your ideas about health and nutrition should be somehow interfering with mine?!
Butters: Eric, Eric!
Cartman: You dictate what foods I can eat?! [convulses] Urgh [the tray falls to the floor. He stiffens up and tries to reach for anything]
Butters: Eric, Eric?
Cartman: I can't, I can't. Butters, I can't. [falls back, smacking Butters' tray on the way down. Butters' meal lands on him]
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, front lawn. An ambulance waits as Cartman is being loaded up into it. The rest of the school stands around looking at this incident. Two paramedics treat him. The brunette, Smith, puts some defibrillators on and gets ready to deliver a jolt
Paramedic 1: Clear! [the brunette delivers the jolt, then they both look at the EKG]
Smith: We got him back!
Cartman: Agh. Fuck you, Wendy.
Scene Description: As Cartman is being taken to Hell's Pass Hospital, Randy drives into town with a huge load of Tegridy weed; he and Towelie share a joint. Cypress Hill plays during this segment.
Randy: How much do you think we'll get for our mulch?
Towelie: Even if we only get 10 cents a pound, we have like a million pounds of it.
Randy: This is gonna save our business. I'm really hungry all of a sudden. You want some Burger King?
Towelie: Yeah, I'll take some onion rings. [Randy pulls into a parking spot and goes inside.]
Scene Description: Burger King, inside. Randy steps forward to place his order
Clerk: Welcome to Burger King. Can I take your order?
Randy: Uh, hi, can I get, um, large onion rings... the big Coke Zero and, um... What's an Impossible Burger?
Clerk: It's a plant-based burger, sir.
Randy: Plant-based? You mean, it's not like a cow?
Clerk: No, sir. It's completely vegan, but it's engineered to replicate the taste and texture of beef.
Randy: Hoh. Okay, I'll try it. [hands his debit card over. The clerk turns the card through the reader and hand it back. He also hands Randy the receipt and the burger. Randy takes a bite of the burger and savors it] Hey. This tastes like shit. You guys make money off of this?
Clerk: They're very popular, sir. A lot of people care about the environment and sustainability.
Randy: Aw that, that's amazing. I mean, this seriously tastes like dog shit, and you get people to buy it? [gets an idea] Wait a minute... Plant-based... Plant... based... Plant-based. Oh my God.
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The kids are in the hallways. Cartman is in a wheelchair; Butters drives him around
Butters: Comin' through! Make way! [the stop by Token, Jimmy, and Craig]
Cartman: Hey guys. How's it goin'?
Craig: You're out of the hospital?
Cartman: Yes. The girls tried to kill me, but they did not succeed. However, we cannot let the girls' protest ruin our lunch ever again!
Nichole: Oh, give me a break! [arrives from her locker] It's not just girls who wanna change the menu, it's boys too!
Boy: Yeah. I want vegan food.
Millie: A lot of students are protesting!
Cartman: Well, their protesting is ruining my lunch!
Boy: We have a right to free speech.
Cartman: Yes, we do all have freedom of speech! But at times, there are ramifications for the negative that can happen when you're not thinking about others and you're ONLY THINKING ABOUT YOURSELF!
Mr. Mackey: [arriving] Whoawhoawhoawhoa, what's goin' on, kids?
Butters: The protesters are tryin' to kill Eric again, Mr. Mackey.
Mr. Mackey: Okay, kids, we don't want another incident here, okay?
Cartman: They're trying to take people's lunch! They don't realize it harms people financially, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. [begins to choke]
Mr. Mackey: Eric, it's okay. We aren't going to change the school menu, okay? Everything's fine.
Boy: That's not fair!
Nichole: Doesn't it matter we're being silenced?!
Cartman: Agagagh, my lunch!
Mr. Mackey: Girls, I'm sorry, but the health of our students has to come first.
Scene Description: Tegridy Farms, day. Gerald shows up at the front door and knocks. Randy answers the door
Randy: Gerald, thanks for coming! You're not gonna believe this!
Gerald: Believe what? Your text said that-
Randy: Come on come on come on. [pulls him in. Next scene is in the kitchen. They go to the table, on which sit two burgers] I think I've perfected it, Gerald. I made a sustainable, healthy alternative to meat. I want you to try it. [hands a burger to Gerald]
Gerald: It's a hamburger?
Randy: It's a Tegridy burger. Go ahead, try it. [Gerald takes a bite and chews it for a few seconds] Well?
Gerald: This tastes like shit.
Randy: Yeah. It's plant-based. But keep eating it, though.
Gerald: [through the chewing] I just- I just don't think it's very good.
Randy: Wait for it. Wait for it...
Gerald: [gets a small epiphany] Oh. [starts to giggle, then Randy joins in]
Randy: Yeah ha ha?
Gerald: Yeah, it's good.
Randy: Yeah, right?
Gerald: [takes another bite and chews on it] Whoa. It's really fucking good, man! This is like the best burger I've ever had!
Randy: And you can eat a lot of them and not feel bloated. Towelie's had like 12. [points to Towelie, who's reclining against a cabinet eating a Tegridy burger.]
Towelie: Best burgers I ever had.
Scene Description: The school cafeteria, lunch. Cartman is back a table with the other boys, and they're all eating barbecue ribs with corn on the cob and cole slaw. Cartman is still in his hospital gown, which means his back side is exposed. He's also wearing the hospital bracelet
Cartman: [savoring them ribs] Ohm... oh my God. School cafeteria ribs. After all that yogurt and crap they gave me at the hospital? OHM.
Butters: I looove barbecue rib day.
Cartman: Yeah. I think maybe I like rib day even more than sloppy Joe day. It's a difficult choice.
Wendy: Everyone? Everyone, can I have your attention, please? [the students all stop eating and look at her] Look, guys. We're supposed to be the young generation, right? We're the ones upset about the world our parents left us.
Nichole: Yeah, but eating this kind of food makes us all just as guilty.
Wendy: The millions and millions of cows and pigs and chickens that we harvest every year [Cartman begins to tremble in anger] are a huge reason for climate change.
Nichole: It is up to us, as students, to protest for change.
Boy: Young voices matter!
Wendy: Without sustainable and ethical food choices now, we're proving to be no d-
Cartman: [leaves the table] AAAH! GAAAH! [in the middle of the cafeteria, to Wendy] CAN I PLEASE JUST ENJOY MY LUNCH FOR FIVE GODDAMNED MINUTES?!
Butters: You gotta calm down, Eric. Remember your condition, Eric.
Cartman: We all have freedom of speech, but stop talking about climate change DURING LUNCH TIME!
Butters: Okay. that's it, Eric.
Cartman: Some of us can just enjoy some simple goddamned barbecue ribs! And I- Daah! [stiffens up as anger overtakes him] Oh God, they did it again to me, Butters.
Butters: Eric!
Cartman: I think this is the Big One! Don't let me die.
Butters: Somebody help!
Cartman: Don't let me die. Don't let me die, Butters. [drops on his back.]
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, front lawn. An ambulance waits as Cartman is being loaded up into it. The rest of the school stands around looking at this incident. Two paramedics treat him. The brunette, Smith, puts some defibrillators on and gets ready to deliver a jolt
Paramedic 1: Clear! [the brunette delivers the jolt, then they both look at the EKG]
Smith: We got him back!
Cartman: Agh. Fuck you, Wendy.
Scene Description: Burger King, day, inside. A mother and son are at the counter
Clerk: So that's one Whopper, one order of chicken strings, and a medium beverage. Is there any-? [stops when he hears someone outside]
Randy: [outside] Burgers! Get your burgers here!
Clerk: Uh okay, that'll be fift-
Randy: Plant-based burgers for sale!
Clerk: Excuse me one moment. [leaves the counter]
Scene Description: Burger King, day, outside. Randy has his burger stand up, selling $5 burgers that are all natural, plant based, and locally made
Randy: Get your hamburgers here! [a crowd begins to form] Plant-based burgers for sale!
Clerk: [now outside] Hey, what are you doing?
Randy: I'm sellin' hamburgers. All-natural, completely plant-based. [a customer pays up and gets his burger] Thank you, sir.
Clerk: You can't sell hamburgers here! This is a Burger King!
Towelie: You sell hamburgers here.
Randy: Yeah, you sell hamburgers here.
Customer: This is seriously as good or better than a real hamburger. Can I get a couple more to take to work?
Clerk: Hey! Now look, buddy! I'm not gonna lose customers because of YOU! [walks onto the parking lot] We have plant-based burgers inside as well! Come try our Impossible Burger.
Randy: Tegridy Burger. Made locally right here in South Park. Tegridy Burger.
Clerk: STOP that!
Scene Description: The school gym, day. PC Principal holds a student assembly
PC Principal: Alright everyone, listen up! As you know, there are several students protesting the school menu. But there are other students who are voicing their concerns against changes. Eric Cartman is still recovering in the hospital, we all wish him well. [clears his throat] Now, the school has been looking into several options to deal with the problem, and I do believe we have found a compromise. We have found a new company in the plant-based fast-food industry who would like to be the supplier for our cafeteria. And so please welcome the founder of Incredible Meat. [steps aside and claps for the founder, who steps in]
Incredible Meat founder: Hello, children. I want to thank you and I want to thank your fine principal for hearing me out. I take plants, and I process them into goo. I'm a goo man. I have factories all over the country. I have trucks right now loaded with goo that can be here within the week. The goo I speak of can be made into anything. It can be made into tacos. It can be made into hot dogs. And I promise you that none of you students will know the difference. I would very much like to be the plant-based meat vendor for your school. I would like to be the plant-based meat vendor for your town. I'm a simple family man and a vegetarian. I would like the opportunity to make you all vegetarians as well, and I thank you.
Scene Description: Park County Community Center, day. Randy stands at the podium reading from index cards
Randy: Eating meat doesn't just hurt animals. It hurts people. It takes 13 pounds of grain to produce just one pound of animal meat. All that plant food could be used much more efficiently if-m, if people just ate it directly. Meat is also not environmentally friendly. Meat production is wasteful and causes enormous amounts of pollution. And the meat industry is one of the biggest... [after a few seconds, the camera finds him drifting away from the podium, Tegridy Burger in one hand, index cards in the other] ...Huh? Oh, I was just saying... [turns and walks back to the podium] that adopting a vegan diet is way more effective than switching to a greener car in the fight against climate change. For your health, for our planet, for the animals and for each other, we have to switch to plant-based foods. Now, it just so happens-
Scene Description: Burger King, day. The clerk is all alone now, having lost all his business to... He hears music outside and walks towards it
Clerk: You gotta be kidding me!
Scene Description: ...Tegridy Burger. Randy's hamburger stand is now a full-fledged fast-food restaurant
Randy: [through the PA system] It's our Grand Opening! Come and visit your town's only plant-based burger joint!
Clerk: It's not the town's only plant-based burger joint! [goes back to Burger King. Tegridy Burger is humming with activity]
Randy: Celebrate our Grand Opening! Tegridy Burger! Cheeba cheeba. Cheeba cheeba.
Scene Description: The school cafeteria, day. Token is at the entrance on the lookout
Token: Here he comes. [two seconds later, Cartman enters the cafeteria using a walker. He's in his hospital gown. He sees all the other students staring at him. He turns right and goes to the kitchen]
Cartman: [walks past Mr. Mackey] Mr. Mackey.
Mr. Mackey: [nervously] Wuhuhuhu... hello, Eric.
Cartman: [stands in line behind Butters] What's goin' on, Butters? It's taco Tuesday. [the line moves forward]
Butters: [weakly] It's taco Tuesday... [turns and walks forward. He gets his lunch, looks back at Eric, and heads for the boys table]
Cartman: These tacos look different. What kind are they?
Cook: They're... Incredible Beef... tacos.
Cartman: Oh, Incredible Beef tacos. That sounds nice. [takes his tray and heads back to the cafeteria, where he again sees the students stare at him. He joins the other boys at the table. He looks around and the other students turn back to their meals. Nobody is talking. Cartman bites a taco and his friends look on. After 25 seconds...] Did you guys see that new Joker movie?
Mr. Mackey: Whoa, uh, thank God it worked.
Scene Description: City Wok, day. The goo man stands outside the restaurant and looks it over, then goes inside.
Mr. Kim: Welcome City Wok. I take a order prease.
Goo Man: Are you the owner of this restaurant?
Mr. Kim: Yes. I take a order prease.
Goo Man: I'd like to do business with you. Your establishment here is perfect for my plant-based meats. You see, I am a goo man. If you carry my product, Incredible Meats, we can put the word Incredible before all of your dishes.
Mr. Kim: You mean instead of City Chicken I could have Incredibre City Chicken?
Goo Man: That is correct.
Mr. Kim: You mean instead of City Mongorian Beef I could have Inrcedibry City Mongorian Beef?
Goo Man: That's right.
Mr. Kim: You're saying now I could have scallops with Incredibry City XO sauce?! Okay, sign me up!
Goo Man: That is most excellent. [gets out a pad and pen] Now, how many customers, on avarage, do you have per day?
Mr. Kim: Including my wife? Uh, 0 to 1 per day.
Goo Man: [stunned] That's it?
Mr. Kim: Yeah, I got no customers now that Tegridy Burger opened up. Everyone want plant-based food now. That why I'm ready you sign me up.
Goo Man: What is Tegridy Burger?
Mr. Kim: Yeah, here you look. Down the brock. [they walk to a window and look out] Most popular prace in town. [they look at the place for a few seconds]
Goo Man: Is that so?! [makes his way to the entrance and leaves]
Mr. Kim: Hey! [follows him out] Hey, what about my incredibry City chicken?
Scene Description: Tegridy Farms, day. A farmer knocks on Randy's door. Randy answers it
Rancher: What'r you doin' you sonofabitch?
Randy: Excuse me?
Rancher: I'm the biggest cattle rancher in South Park. I made ma livin' 62-odd years before you fancy plant growers done showed up and put me out of a job!
Randy: Well I'm sorry, Mr. Cow Killer, but this is called "evolution."
Rancher: I got 300 cows that the world suddenly decided they got no use fer! What am I supposed to do with them?! Put them in a zoo?! What they gonna do now? Go start some cow circus?! Go make some cow TV show?! You are single-handedly making cows extinct! You got a plan for 'em all? Fine! [turns to whistles to his cattle] Come on! [cows emerge from the field and gather outside the front door.] Come on! Yeah, come on! Mr. Plant-based Burgers here is gonna take care of you now! [makes his way through the herd in order to leave] Yeah, don't worry. He cares about the environment, so he could figure out what to do with you.
Randy: Uh ho, hehey, fuck you!
Rancher: No, fuck you, sumbitch! They're your problem now!
Scene Description: Sssssouth Park Elementary, 4th Grade. The students are in their seats, but Mrs. Nelson is seated, hunched over a Tegridy Burger, unable to take another bite but making an effort to.
Butters: ...Teacher? [she lifts up a finger and mumbles a bit. The lunch bell rings]
Cartman: Lunchtime! [nothing was taught this morning]
Scene Description: The school cafeteria, lunch. The students stream in as Mr. Mackey keeps watch
Mr. Mackey: Walk, don't run, m'kay?
Cartman: Hey Butters! [Butters stops, a bit unnerved] Wait up, dude. You know what today is, right? It's Salisbury Steak day! Salisbury Steak day!
Both: It's Salis-
Butters: [flatly] -bury Steak day! [looks dejected]
Cartman: Butters, is something going on? Your lunch dances aren't the same.
Butters: Eric, I. I just hate lying to you. I mean, you've been in the hospital. Twice. I feel guilty.
Cartman: Guilty... about what?
Butters: It's our lunches, Eric. It's... Incredible Meat.
Cartman: Yes, I think it's pretty good.
Butters: No, Eric. See, there was this guy. He's a goo man.
Cartman: The fuck is a goo man?
Scene Description: Tegridy Farms, day. The cows are still milling around eating the weed. Some of them poop as they walk. Randy is in his tractor driving around.
Randy: [comes across a cow] Go on! shoo! Hey! Goddamnit! [some time later, he's talking to Towelie] I don't know what we're gonna do. These cows are eating all our weed and they're shitting everywhere. They're gonna put us completely out of business!
Towelie: Did you find anyone else to take 'em?
Randy: Nobody wants cows anymore! They're bad for climate change! [takes a quick look around] We gotta kill 'em.