Scene Description: At the bus stop.
The Boys: School days, school days, teacher's golden ru...
Kyle Broflovski: Ah, damn it! My little brother's trying to follow me to school again.
Ike Broflovski: Eat banana.
Kyle: Ike, you can't come to school with me. [Ike Chortles.]
Eric Cartman: Yeah, go home you little dildo!
Kyle: Dude, don't call my brother a dildo!
Stan Marsh: What's a dildo?
Kyle: Well, I don't know...[He faces Cartman and points at him.] and I'll bet Cartman doesn't know either!
Cartman: I know what it means!
Kyle: Well, what?
Cartman: I'm not telling you.
Stan: What's a dildo, Kenny?
Kenny McCormick: (It's a plastic dick that goes in a vagina.) [The others laugh.]
Cartman: He-yeah, that's what Kyle's little brother is all right! [Kyle swings Ike by his feet, knocking Cartman down.] Ow! [Ike Laughs.]
Stan: Dude, that kicks ass!
Kyle: Yeah, check this one out. Ready Ike? Kick the baby!
Ike: Don't kick the baby.
Kyle: Kick the baby.
Scene Description: He kicks Ike like a football, who lands, knocking down four mailboxes. Cartman yawns.
Stan: Whoa, Cartman! Looks like you didn't get much sleep last night.
Cartman: That's 'cause I was having these... bogus nightmares.
Kyle: Really? What about?
Cartman: Well, I dreamt that I was lying in my bed...
Scene Description: The dream sequence begins.
Cartman: ...in the dark, when all of a sudden this bright blue light filled the room.
Scene Description: Through his window, one can see a spaceship land and its light stream in.
Cartman: Then slowly my bedroom door began to open... [A Visitor peeks inside.]
Cartman: ...and then the next thing I remember, I was being drug through a hallway.
Cartman: Weeaak!
Cartman: Then I was lying on a table...
Scene Description: Cartman is laying face down, Visitors lower his pajamas.
Cartman: ...and these scary aliens wanted to operate on me. And they had big heads and big black eyes.
Stan: Dude! Visitors!
Kyle: Totally!
Cartman: What?
Stan: That wasn't a dream Cartman, those were Visitors!
Cartman: No, it was just a dream, my mom said so.
Stan: Visitors are real.
Kyle: Yeah, they abduct people and they mutilate cows.
Cartman: Oh, shut up guys! You're just trying to make me scared. And it's not working.
Jerome "Chef" McElroy: [Drives up and gets out of the car.] Hello there, children.
Boys: [in unison] Hey, Chef.
Stan: What's gonna be for lunch today, Chef?
Chef: Well, today it's Salisbury steak with buttered noodles and a choice of green bean casserole or vegetable medley.
Cartman: Kick ass.
Chef: Say, did any of you children see the alien space ship last night?
Cartman: [Surprised.] Huh?
Kyle: Yeah, fat boy saw it!
Cartman: Eh, no, that, that was just a dream. And I'm not fat, I'm big boned!
Chef: Oh, was it the ones with the big long heads and the black eyes?
Cartman: Oh!
Stan: They took him on their ship.
Chef: Oh! [Quietly.] Did they give you an anal probe?
Cartman: Oh!
Kyle: What's an anal probe?
Chef: That's when they put this big metal hoop-a-joop up yo' butt.
Kyle: Whoa! They gave you an anal probe Cartman?
Cartman: No! Uh-I mean, eh, why would they do that?
Stan: Dude, they did, huh? Aliens stuck stuff up your ass!
Cartman: No!
Ike: Eneh probe.
Cartman: Shut up, dildo!
Chef: Well, I gotta get to the cafeteria. You children watch that fat boy now. He could be under alien control.
Scene Description: Chef walks back to his car, there is a picture of a Visitor on his shirt with the word "Believe" written under it. Cartman goes catatonic as Chef drives off.
Cartman: Oh!
Kyle: We told you they were real Cartman. Sorry to hear about your ass.
Cartman: God damn it, they didn't do anything to my ass! It was just a dream!
Scene Description: They start to file onto the bus.
Kyle: Why you walkin' so funny Cartman?
Cartman: Shut up!
Ike: [Waddles by.] Oh foonuh bebe.
Kyle: No, Ike, go home.
Ike: Eeeeee!
Kyle: This is it. This one's for the game.
Ike: Purplor.
Kyle: Kick the baby!
Scene Description: He kicks Ike, who flies through the first window of the school bus and crashes out the window on the other side.
Scene Description: On the bus.
Stan: Good morning, Miss Crabtree.
Ms. Veronica Crabtree: SIT DOWN! WE"RE RUNNING LATE!
Scene Description: The bus pulls away, leaving Ike behind at the bus stop. Kyle is kneeling on the seat looking out the back window at him.
Kyle: Damn it, he's still there.
Stan: Oh, don't worry about him.
Kyle: No, dude, if something happens to him, my parents are gonna blame me.
Ms. Crabtree: SIT DOWN BACK THERE! AAAAAAH!!
Stan: Yeah, whatever, ya fat bitch.
Ms. Crabtree: WHAT DID YOU SAY?
Stan: I said I have a bad itch.
Ms. Crabtree: [calmly] Oh.
Kyle: [Gasps.] Oh, my God!
Scene Description: Two Visitors are holding Ike between them
Stan: [Turning to see.] Visitors!
Kenny: (Oh nooo!)
Kyle: Ike! [Kyle runs to the front of the bus.] STOP THE BUUUUUS! Ms. Crabtree, you have to stop this bus!
Ms. Crabtree: SIT DOWN, KID!
Kyle: But I have to get off!
Ms. Crabtree: DO YOU WANT AN OFFICE REFERRAL!?
Kyle: No.
Ms. Crabtree: Then sit down!
Kyle: But I...
Ms. Crabtree: Arrgghhh!
Kyle: Arrghh!
Kyle, Ms. Crabtree: Arrrggghhh!
Scene Description: Kyle runs back to his seat. Ms. Crabtree has the last word.
Stan: Cartman, are those the same Visitors you saw?
Cartman: Shut up you guys, it's not working.
Kyle: We have to do something!
Stan: Well, we can't do anything for now, that fat bitch won't let us.
Ms. Crabtree: WHAT DID YOU SAY?!
Stan: Uh, I said that rabbits eat lettuce.
Ms. Crabtree: Oh. Well, yes, they certainly do.
Scene Description: she makes a hard right, flinging kids onto the left side of the bus.
Kyle: What am I going to do? My little brother's been abducted by aliens. [Stan farts.] You farted. [They laugh.]
Cartman: Heh, somebody's baking brownies.
Scene Description: Behind the bus, a space craft rises into the sky, then zooms away.
Scene Description: Farmer's grazing fields with a mutilated cow.
Farmer Carl Denkins: That's the third cow this month. At this rate all my cattle are gonna die before the winter's through.
Scene Description: The cows moo questioningly.
Officer Barbrady: This is nothing out of the unusual. Cows turn themselves inside out all the time.
Scene Description: The cows shake their heads.
Farmer Carl: People been saying they've been seeing UFO's around.
Officer Barbrady: UFO's? [Laughs.]
Farmer Carl: Yeah, and black army CIA helicopters and trucks.
Officer Barbrady: That is the silliest thing I've ever heard.
Scene Description: Helicopters fly by above him.
Farmer Carl: What was that?
Officer Barbrady: That, that was a pigeon.
Farmer Carl: What am I supposed to do, Barbrady? Just stand here and watch my cattle get mutilated one by one?
Scene Description: The cows notice something and raise their heads. One Visitor waves a piece of hay and whistles. The cows start running away from them.
Farmer Carl: Hey! My cattle!
Scene Description: The "Cattle Ranch" sign falls down.
Farmer Carl: You see? There is somethin' funny goin' on!
Officer Barbrady: There's nothing funny going on. I'll get those cows back.
Scene Description: Mr. Garrison's class.
Mr. Herbert Garrison: And now children, our friend, Mr. Hat, is going to tell us about Christopher Columbus.
Mr. Hat: That's right, Mr. Garrison. Christopher Columbus discovered America and was the Indians' best friend. He helped the Indians win their war against Fredrick Douglass and a freed the Hebrews from Napoleon and discovered France. And then in 1492 Columbus started a restaurant...[He is drowned out by Kyle's voice.]
Kyle: [Whispering.] Oh, man. I can't just sit here, I have to help my stupid brother, or I'll come home without him and my dad will start yelling, "Where's your brother, Kyle?" "You weren't looking out for your little brother, Kyle?"
Stan: [Whispering.] Okay, okay, let's ditch school and go find him.
Kyle: [His voice is rising to an audible level.] "You know he can't think on his own, Kyle!" "Brush and floss, Kyle!" "Where has that finger been, Kyle?"
Stan: Dude!
Mr. Garrison: Is there a problem, boys?
Kyle: Yes, Mr. Garrison, I have to go now.
Mr. Garrison: Oh, really, Kyle? What is it this time? Another prostate tumor?
Kyle: No, my little brother's been abducted by aliens. [Silence.] It's true! Ask Cartman, they gave him an anal probe.
Cartman: [Embarrassed.] Heh, heh, that's a, that's, that's a little joke. Heh, heh.
Kyle: [Kyle walks up to Mr. Garrison's desk.] Mr. Garrison, seriously, I have to go. Can I please be excused from class?
Mr. Garrison: I don't know, Kyle. Did you ask Mr. Hat?
Kyle: I don't want to ask Mr. Hat, I'm asking you!
Mr. Garrison: Oh I think you should ask Mr. Hat.
Kyle: Mr. Hat, may I please be excused from class?
Mr. Hat: Well, Kyle, no!! You hear me?! You go to hell! You go to hell and you die!
Mr. Garrison: Hmm, guess you'll have to take your seat, Kyle.
Kyle: Damn it!
Cartman: Hah, hah. Mr. Hat yelled at you.
Scene Description: Cartman farts fire. Poor Pip is stunned.
Cartman: Ow! My ass!
Scene Description: The class gasps.
Stan: Dude!
Kyle: Damn, Cartman!
Cartman: [Cartman farts fire again.] Uh... Ow! My ass!
Kyle: Dude, he's farting fire!
Stan: It's the alien anal probe. It's shooting fire from Cartman's rectum!
Cartman: No, that was just a dream.
Mr. Garrison: Eric, do you need to sit in the corner until your flaming gas is under control?
Cartman: No, Mr. Garrison, I'm fine.
Scene Description: Cartman farts fire again, setting Pip aflame. Pip runs around the room on fire.
Scene Description: Train station. Cows flock in from all around and stand in line, waiting to board the train out of town.
Train Conductor: Hey, you cows can't get on this train! This is a people train. You cows have no business on a people train, all right? 'Cause you're cows.
Scene Description: The cows are all staring at the conductor.
Train Conductor: No, no, no. Don't try any of that cow hypnosis on me, all right? 'Cause it's not gonna work.
Officer Barbrady: [Drives by with his lights flashing.] Hold it right there, cows!
Scene Description: Cows split up and run off mooing.
Officer Barbrady: Come back here! Now then! [He pursues them.]
Scene Description: Cafeteria
Kid: So then I had bad, bad gas.
Jason: Ya, seriously, killer.
Cartman: [Cartman farts fire.] Oh!! Whoa, I sure am hungry.
Stan: How can you eat when you're farting fire?
Cartman: Shut up, dude, you're being totally immature.
Kyle: Hey, look, there's Wendy Testaburger.
Stan: [Gasps.] Where?
Scene Description: He finds himself looking right at her. An epiphany plays while hearts dance around Stan's head. Stan smiles, and it soon goes from ear to ear
Cartman: [Singing.] Stan wants to ki-iss Wendy Testabur-ger.
Stan: Shut up, fat ass! I don't even like her!
Cartman: I'm not fat. And you obviously like her because you throw up every time she talks to you.
Stan: I do not!
Wendy Testaburger: Hi, guys.
Kyle, Cartman: Hi, Wendy.
Wendy: Here, Stan. This is for you. [Wendy hands Stan a note.]
Stan: Bleech!
Wendy: Eww! [She leaves.]
Kyle, Cartman: [Their eyes follow her out.] Bye, Wendy.
Kyle: Dude, what does the note say?
Stan: [He glances at it.] Holy crap! It says she wants to meet me at Stark's Pond after school.
Scene Description: A look of wonder comes over his face.
Kyle: Whoa! Maybe you can kiss her.
Cartman: Or slip her the tongue.
Kenny: (Or look at the cat on her feet, then touch her.)
Stan: [That gets his attention.] What? How do you know she has a cat?
Scene Description: Silence, Kenny waits to see if the other guys got the message, then laughs. The rest follow, realizing what Kenny meant.
Kyle: Come on you guys, we need to figure out how to get out of school so we can get my little brother back.
Scene Description: The cafeteria kitchen. Chef stands behind the counter, ready to serve food. The boys enter.
Chef: Hello there, children.
Boys: Hey, Chef.
Chef: How are you doing?
Kyle: Bad.
Chef: Why bad?
Kyle: Chef, have you ever had something happen to you, but nobody believed you?
Chef: Oh, children, children, that's a problem we've all had to face at some time or another. Here, let me sing you a little song. It might clear things up. I'm gonna make love to you woman Gonna lay you down by the fire And caress your womanly body Make you moooooan and perspire Gonna-
Stan: Uh, Chef?
Chef: -get those juices flowin'-
Stan: Chef.
Chef: -we're makin' love gravy-
Stan: Chef!
Chef: -love gravy, lovelovelovelovelove gravih!
Stan: [shouts loud enough for Chef to hear] CHEF!!!
Chef: Love luh- Huh?
Scene Description: Silence. Kenny nods towards Kyle.
Chef: Do you feel better?
Kyle: No!
Chef: Oh, come on children, what could be so bad? It's Salisbury steak day.
Stan: Visitors took Kyle's baby brother.
Chef: What?!
Scene Description: Chef tosses a food tray aside and runs to the other side of the counter.
Chef: What the hell do you think you're doing in school eatin' Salisbury steak?! Go find him, damn it!
Kyle: Mr. Garrison won't let us out of school. He thinks we're making it up.
Cartman: You are making it up.
Scene Description: Cartman farts more fire, the anal probe pops out, moves around and puts its metal arms on its hip, looking annoyed at Cartman's determination that it didn't happen.
Stan: Whoa!
Scene Description: The probe goes back into Cartman's ass.
Cartman: What?
Kyle: That was cool!
Chef: It's uh some kind of symbiotic, metamorphosis device.
Scene Description: Cartman turns about so Chef can check out the probe.
Chef: This could mean the Visitors want to communicate with us.
Cartman: [Turning to face Chef, testily.] Oh, I see. Now you're going to join in on the little joke huh?
Chef: It's no joke, children, this is big!
Kyle: Please, Chef, if I don't get out of school and get my little brother back from the aliens, my parents are gonna disown me.
Chef: Uuh, hold on now, hold on now. [To himself.] Uhyouyouyou you gotta help the children.
Cartman: Oh, you guys sure are going a long ways to try and scare me. I want my Salisbury steak!
Chef: [Pulling on the fire alarm] Fire drill! Fire drill! Everybody out! [To the boys.] Okay children, this is your chance!
Stan: Killer! Thanks, Chef.
Chef: Mahahahahan oh man, first contact with the alien Visitors. I've got to get myself ready.
Scene Description: The boys' neighborhood.
Boys: [Singing.] We got out of school, No more school today, We got out of school...
Scene Description: Cartman, interrupting the song with a fiery fart.
Cartman: Oh!! You guys, my ass, seriously..!
Stan: Okay, Cartman, you can stop farting fire now.
Cartman: I would if I could, you son of a bitch!
Kyle: Okay, so how do we get my little brother back?
Cartman: Uh-Would you stop going on about your little brother? I know it was just a dream, I know I didn't have an anal probe, and I know that I'm not under alien control!
Scene Description: a radio wave strikes Cartman and he gets big blushy cheeks and starts to sing.
Cartman: I love to singa, About the moona and June-a and the springa, I love to singa, About a sky of blue-a or a tea for two-a...
Scene Description: A second radio wave reverts him to normal and all is quiet. Dogs bark in the background.
Stan: What the hell was that?
Kyle: He is under alien control. That thing in his butt is linked up to the Visitors!
Cartman: Ah, son of a bitch!
Cartman: You guys, shut up. I'm not under alien control.
Scene Description: Kyle yells into Cartman's ear. His voice echoes.
Kyle: Hey!
Cartman: Uh...
Kyle: If you Visitors can hear me-
Scene Description: The voice echoes in Cartman's head.
Cartman: Hey...
Kyle: -bring me back my little brother, God damnit!
Cartman: Ow! [Faces Kyle.] That hurts, you buttlicker!
Scene Description: Stan notices a spaceship hovering overhead.
Stan: Kyle, look! It's them.
Kyle: Give me back my brother!
Scene Description: Kyle throws a rock at the spaceship. It fires back with a flash of light, hitting Kenny and knocking him into the road.
Stan: Oh my God! They've killed Kenny!
Kyle: You bastards! Come back here! Coomme baack!
Scene Description: The spaceship leaves.
Kyle: Damn it, we were so close!
Stan: Hey look, [Kenny gets up.] I think Kenny's okay.
Kenny: (Don't worry, I'm alright. Argh!)
Scene Description: The fleeing cows run over Kenny.
Stan: Owww.
Kenny: [He gets up again.] (Nope, I'm all fine. Agh!)
Scene Description: Officer Barbrady mows him down with his police cruiser. Kenny ends up along the curb, lifeless. The boys approach.
Stan: Wow, poor Kenny.
Kyle: Now do you believe us, Cartman?
Cartman: No!
Kyle: Cartman, they killed Kenny!
Cartman: He's not dead.
Stan: Dude, Kenny is dead!
Scene Description: Stan picks up a stick and hits Kenny's bloody body.
Stan: See?
Cartman: Shut up, you guys.
Kyle: He's dead, Cartman!
Scene Description: Kyle pulls Kenny's head off his body.
Cartman: God damn it, I didn't have an anal probe! [He walks off.] Screw you guys, I'm goin' home.
Kyle: Go on and go home, you fat chicken!
Cartman: [Off screen.] Dildo!
Kyle: You're all I have left, Stan.
Stan: Sorry, dude. I gotta go meet Wendy Testaburger.
Kyle: You can't! Poor Ike must be so scared, up there all alone. You gotta help me, dude!
Scene Description: Rats feast upon Kenny's body.
Stan: Dude, like Chef says, I've gotta get a piece of lovin' while the gettin's hot. [He hurries away.]
Scene Description: Rats drag Kenny's head off.
Kyle: Rats.
Scene Description: Cartman's house.
Liane Cartman: Hello, Eric.
Cartman: Hi, Mom.
Liane: How are you doing?
Cartman: Well, I'm pissed off!
Liane: Here, I made you powdered donut pancake surprise.
Cartman: I don't want powdered donut pancake surprise. All the kids at school call me fat!
Liane: You're not fat, you're big boned.
Cartman: That's what I said.
Liane: You can have an eensy weensy bit, can't you?
Cartman: No!
Liane: Just a weensy eensy woo woo?
Cartman: No, leave me alone mom! [He walks past her.]
Liane: How about a nice chocolate chicken pot pie, then?
Cartman: [He stops in his tracks.] What? Well, that does sound pretty good.
Scene Description: He returns to sit on the sofa while his mom goes off to get the pie.
Cartman: Uh, Mom?
Liane: Yes, hon?
Cartman: If anybody calls or comes over, I'm not here, okay?
Liane: Sure, hon. You want some Cheesy Poofs, too?
Scene Description: Cartman is in disbelief she even asked.
Cartman: Yeah, I want Cheesy Poofs.
Scene Description: Stark's Pond. Kyle decided to join Stan.
Kyle: Well, it looks like she's not going to show up, Stan. Let's go look for the Visitors now.
Stan: But her note said she'd be here.
Scene Description: Wendy appears out of nowhere.
Wendy: Hi, Stan.
Stan: Bleech!
Wendy: Eww!
Kyle: You can't talk to Stan, Wendy. He throws up when you do.
Wendy: But why, Stan?
Scene Description: Stan tries to hold it in.
Stan: Bleech!
Wendy: Eww!
Kyle: Look, can you guys just get down to business so we can go find my little brother?
Wendy: [Turns to Kyle.] Huh?
Kyle: Just make sweet love down by the fire.
Wendy: What happened to your little brother?
Scene Description: Cartman's house. Cartman is on the sofa watching TV.
News Reporter: As the reports of UFO sightings increase, more mysterious crop circle patterns are appearing in fields all around South Park. These crop circles, when viewed from above, form strange patterns.
Scene Description: A plane circles around a field with odd patterns on it, and a cameraman pans out to reveal the outline of Cartman.
Cartman: Hey, that kind of looks like... Tom Selleck.
News Reporter: Could it be that aliens are trying to make contact with us, here on Earth?
Mr. Kitty: Meow.
Scene Description: Noticing Mr. Kitty eyeing his pot pie.
Cartman: No, Kitty, this is mah pot pie.
Mr. Kitty: Meow.
Cartman: No, Kitty, you bad kitt-!
Mr. Kitty: Meow.
Cartman: No, Kitty, it's mah pot pie!
Scene Description: Kitty hisses.
Cartman: Mom! Kitty's being a dildo!
Scene Description: Liane peeks in suggestively.
Liane: Well, then. I know a certain kitty-kitty who's sleeping with Mommy tonight.
Cartman: [Confused.] What?
Scene Description: Stark's Pond. Kyle is explaining what happened to his little brother.
Kyle: ...and now I have to go home without him and my parents are going to have me killed.
Wendy: Well, why don't you go get the fat kid?
Kyle: Why?
Wendy: Well, if the fat kid has something implanted in his ass, maybe the Visitors are using him as part of their plan. You should use the fat kid as bait to bring them back.
Kyle: Hey. You're right, Wendy. Come on, Stan, we have to go get Cartman. [He moves out.]
Wendy: Come on, Stan. [She walks past him, following Kyle.]
Stan: Bleech!
Wendy: Eww! [She walks away.]
Stan: Hey, wait. When do I get to make sweet love?
Scene Description: A bird flies into his puke and starts waddling around in it.
Scene Description: Cartman's House, a short time later.
Mr. Kitty: Meow.
Cartman: No, Kitty, you can't have any!
Mr. Kitty: Meow.
Cartman: No, Kitty, this is mah pot pie! Bad Kitty-!
Scene Description: Cartman farts fire, setting the cat ablaze.
Cartman: Eh, 'scuse me, Kitty.
Scene Description: Liane enters the room with Kyle, Stan, and Wendy.
Liane: Eric, look who's here.
Cartman: Dude, weak mom.
Kyle: Come on Eric, we can go play at the bus stop.
Cartman: I can't, my mom said...
Liane: That's okay, Eric, I think you need to go spend time with your little friends.
Cartman: [Quietly.] But mom, I don't want to spend time with my little friends-
Liane: [Stern.] Don't be difficult, Eric! Now, you go out and play in the fun snow.
Cartman: God damn it!
Scene Description: Mr. Kitty then runs by in flames.
Scene Description: Forest at night. Cartman's right foot is tied to a tree.
Cartman: You guys, I have to get home.
Stan: Don't be such a fraidy-cat, Cartman. This rope will make sure they can't take you on board again.
Scene Description: Cartman tugs his foot testing the rope.
Cartman: Oh, man, this sucks.
Kyle: How come the Visitors aren't coming for him?
Stan: I think we have to signal them somehow.
Cartman: [Cartman farts fire.] Ow!
Wendy: Hey, he's like Rudolph.
Kyle: Yeah! All you have to do is fart some more, Cartman, and the Visitors are sure to come!
Cartman: Really? Uh, I don't think I have to fart anymore tonight.
Kyle: Sure you do!
Stan: Come on Cartman, fart!
Cartman: I don't wanna.
Stan: [To Kyle and Wendy.] He can't hold it in forever.
Kyle: Fart, damn you!
Cartman: Okay, that's does it! Now listen! Why is it that everything today has involved things either going in or coming out of my ass?!
Scene Description: Farts. An anal probe comes out of his butt and expands.
Cartman: I'm sick of it! It's completely immature.
Stan: Hey, it's happening again.
Scene Description: The probe is now a large satellite dish.
Kyle: Whoa, look at that.
Stan: Now, do you believe us, Cartman?
Cartman: You guys can't scare me! I know you're making it all up.
Stan: Cartman, there's a 80-foot satellite dish sticking out of your ass!
Cartman: Sure, you guys, what-ever.
Scene Description: The dish sends a radio signal out to space.
Scene Description: Chef's yard. He's sitting in a lawn chair with a can of ZOOP in his hand. An Igloo cooler is next to him.
Chef: Oh, boy. The aliens are going to make first contact. Hey, down here, we are ready for your wisdom! [He looks at his watch.] And you've only got 20 minutes before Sanford and Son is on.
Scene Description: Forest.
Cartman: You guys, I am seriously getting pissed off right now! I know there is no such things as aliens!
Scene Description: Three small ships descend, followed by a mother-ship.
Cartman: Oh, God damn it!
Mr. Garrison: [Driving by, he stops.] What the? I tell you, there's some crazy stuff going on in this town.
Mr. Hat: You can say that again, Mr. Garrison.
Stan: Come down here, you stinking aliens! [Three Visitors appear.]
Kyle: Uh, uh...
Stan: Go on, Kyle, ask 'em for your little brother back.
Kyle: Vi, Visitors, this morning you took my brother, Ike. He's the little freckled kid that looks like a football. At first, I was happy you took him away. But I've learned something today. That having a little brother... i- is a pretty special thing.
Stan: Yeah.
Kyle: Ah, heck, Mr. Visitors, I'm just a kid all alone in this crazy world, but if you could find it in your hearts or whatever you have, to give my brother back to me, it sure would make my life brighter again.
Stan: That was beautiful, dude.
Kyle: Did it work?
Stan: No, they're leaving.
Kyle: Hey, you scrawny-eyed shits, what the fuck is wrong with you?! You must be some kind of fucking asshole to be able to ignore a crying child!
Stan: Whoa, dude!
Kyle: You know what you fuckers like! You like to fuck! And shit! And fuck! And fuck! And fuck! And fuck!
Stan: Hey Wendy, what's a fuck? [She shrugs.]
Scene Description: The spaceship door opens.
Ike: Help me doy tair.
Kyle: Ike, jump down, now! For the love of God, Ike, jump!
Ike: Don't hurt me.
Scene Description: A herd of cows runs away from the ship, but a trio of Visitors stops them in their tracks. The cows moo and quiver with fear until the middle Visitor raises its hand and addresses them.
Visitor: Moo... Moo...Moo...Moo... (Greetings, cows of Earth. We come in peace.)
Cows: Moo?? (Really??)
Kyle: Come on, Ike! I promise I'll be nice to you from now on!
Ike: Don't kick the baby.
Visitor: Moo moo, moo. Moo moo, moo. Moo. (We have experimented with all the beings of Earth, and we have learned that you are the most intelligent and wise.)
Cartman: What the hell are they talking about?
Cow: Moo moo? (Why did you turn some of us inside out?)
Visitor: Moo moo, moo. Moo. (Oh, that was Carl's fault. He's new.)
Visitor Carl: Moo...moo...moo. (Yeah, sorry about that. My bad!)
Kyle: Ike!
Visitor: Moo moo. Moo moo. Moo. (Take this device. It is a gift from us.)
Scene Description: The cows look at each other and moo in agreement.
Kyle: Ike! Do your impersonation of David Caruso's career!
Ike: It's my turn!
Scene Description: Ike dives from the ship into the snow. The satellite goes back into Cartman's butt.
Visitor: Moo moo. Moo moo. (Farewell cows, peace be with you!)
Scene Description: The Visitors disappear. The spaceship pulls Cartman up but the rope keeps him grounded.
Cartman: You guys, get me down from here!
Scene Description: He farts fire, burning the rope. The tractor beam takes him into the ship and the spaceship flies away.
Cartman: Ow! Help! Sons o' bitches! Dildos!
Stan: Phew, I'm sure glad that's over with.
Kyle: Yeah. Boy, am I glad to see you, Ike.
Ike: Oh, he fly out the sky.
Scene Description: Chef's yard.
Chef: Wait, where are you going, alien Visitors? Come back!
Scene Description: A blonde arrives with a brunette.
Blonde: Well, Chef, where's this amazing thing you were going to show us.
Chef: Well, it's in the bedroom, ladies. Come on in.
Scene Description: Forest.
Kyle: Come on, Ike, we can make it just in time for dinner. [They leave.]
Stan: Thanks for your help, Wendy.
Wendy: Whatever, dude.
Stan: Hey, I didn't throw up.
Wendy: Cool!
Scene Description: She's happy now. They both look at each other like they're going to kiss, and that music plays again. Wendy puckers up. Stan gets queasy.
Stan: Bleech!
Scene Description: He barfs right on her face.
Wendy: Eww!
Stan: Sorry.
Wendy: Hey, look. A French fry.
Stan: Cool.
Wendy: And what is that?
Stan: I think it's part of a Cheesy Poof.
Scene Description: Chef's song starts up and the camera pulls away.
Wendy: Hey, what's that?
Stan: That's uummm... a hamburger from... that's from, like, two days ago.
Wendy: Oh hey, what about that?
Stan: I don't know what the hell that is...
Scene Description: Bus Stop.
Stan: Gee, the bus'll be here any minute, and Cartman still isn't around.
Kyle: Yeah, we're running out of friends.
Stan: I wonder what that thing was that the Visitors gave the cows.
Scene Description: Cows out on a pasture.
Cows: Mooo.
Officer Barbrady: Ha ha cows! I've got you cornered. Let's see you get away now.
Scene Description: One of the cows steps on the plate on the Visitor's device. A beam from the device strikes Officer Barbrady. His glasses fly off, and cheeks become rosy.
Officer Barbrady: I love to sing-a, About the moon-a and the June-a and the Spring-a, I love to sing-a, About a sky of blue-a or a tea for two-a...
Scene Description: The cows begin hopping about gleefully.
Scene Description: Bus Stop. Cartman falls out of the sky, landing on his side next to Kyle and Stan.
Cartman: Puh!
Stan: Oh, hey Cartman.
Kyle: Wow Cartman, the Visitors dropped you off just in time to go to school.
Cartman: Ah, man, I had this crazy nightmare last night.
Stan: Really, what about?
Cartman: Well, I was standing out in a field, and I had this huge satellite dish sticking out of my butt. And then there was... hundreds of cows and aliens, and then I went up on the ship and Scott Baio gave me pinkeye.
Stan: That wasn't a dream, Cartman. That really happened.
Cartman: [Sarcastically.] Oh right, [Matter of factly.] why don't I have pinkeye then?
Kyle: Cartman, you do have pinkeye!
Cartman: Ahh, son of a bitch!


Scene Description: Mr. Garrison's classroom.
Kyle: Hey Stan, did you see that rainbow this morning?
Stan: Yeah, it was huge.
Cartman: Ugh, I hate those things.
Kyle: Nobody hates rainbows.
Stan: Yeah, what's there to hate about rainbows?
Cartman: Well, you know, you'll just be sitting there, minding your own business, and they'll come, marching in and crawl up your leg and start biting the inside of your ass, and you'll be all like: "EHY! GET OUT OF MY ASS YOU STUPID RAINBOWS!" [Silence.]
Stan: Cartman, what the hell are you talking about?
Cartman: I'm talking about rainbows, I hate those friggin' things!
Kyle: Rainbows are those little arches of color that show up during a rainstorm.
Cartman: Ohh, rainbows. Oh yeah, I like those, those are cool.
Stan: What were you talking about?
Cartman: Huh? Oh, nothing, forget it.
Kyle: No, what marches in, crawls up your leg and bites the inside of your ass?
Cartman: Nothing..!
Mr. Garrison: Children, children. Remember the 'Save Our Fragile Planet' essay contest that you children worked so hard on last month? [Silence.] One of our very own South Park students has won the national prize.
Wendy: [Softly.] Wow, I knew I would win.
Mr. Hat: Gosh Mr. Garrison, this sure is exciting.
Mr. Garrison: That's right Mr. Hat, the winner of the national 'Save Our Fragile Planet' contest is... Eric Cartman.
Wendy: What?
Cartman: What?
Mr. Garrison: Congratulations Eric, on writing the award winning paper.
Cartman: Kick ass!
Stan: That's impossible, Cartman doesn't know a rain-forest from a Pop-Tart.
Cartman: Yeah I do, pop tarts are frosted.
Mr. Garrison: Out of over a million papers, Eric's was chosen as the grand prize winner.
Kyle: Wow, what did you write about Cartman?
Cartman: Oh, you know, this and that.
Wendy: He doesn't even know what he wrote about!
Kyle: What was your paper about Wendy?
Wendy: My paper was on the suffering of bottle-nose dolphins.
Cartman: There you see, you shouldn't have written a paper about dolphins. Dolphins are stupid.
Stan: Dude, dolphins are like the second smartest animal on the planet.
Cartman: Buh, hah, right, if they're so damn smart, how come they get caught in those fishing nets all the time?
Wendy: What?
Mr. Garrison: Wait, wait, there's more. It says here that Eric's trophy will be presented to him by...Kathie Lee Gifford.
Kyle: Kathie Lee is coming to South Park?
Mr. Garrison: And the presentation will be on national television.
Stan, Kyle: Television!
Mr. Garrison: [Thinking to himself.] Kathie Lee Gifford. I don't believe it.
Scene Description: City Hall. Mayor's Office.
Mayor McDaniels: Kathie Lee Gifford in South Park! Oh my God! This is our chance to make a name for ourselves; to show that we're not just some piss-ant white-bread mountain town.
Ted: Better yet, it's a chance for you to get some publicity.
Mayor McDaniels: Yes! If I can show just how much I turned South Park around, I could become a Senator.
Johnson: Maybe even a State Senator.
Ted: Mayor, we should decorate the town square.
Johnson: Then we should have the chef of the school cafeteria sing a song, and play up the ethnic diversity of our town.
Mayor McDaniels: That's right, he's a black guy isn't he?
Ted: Black as the night itself Mayor.
Mayor McDaniels: Yes! And we can even have the children of South Park put on a little play. Kathie Lee loves children.
Ted: If they're working in a sweat-shop that is.
Johnson: Ohhh.
Ted: Ouch. [Johnson Laughs.] Thank you.
Scene Description: South Park Elementary Cafeteria.
Cartman: You guys, guess what? After I'm on television, I'm gonna be totally famous.
Wendy: [Passing by.] Hitler was famous too.
Chef: [Stopping by.] Hello there children.
Kyle, Stan: Hey, Chef.
Chef: How are my little crackers today?
Kyle, Stan: Good.
Chef: Did you all hear about the news? Kathie Lee Gifford is coming to South Park.
Stan: Yeah, cause Cartman cheated and won the environmental essay contest.
Cartman: Hey!
Chef: Yeahyeh. Oh whatever. But the mayor just called and asked me to sing at the ceremony.
Kyle: Wow, are you gonna do it?
Chef: Of course! Kathie Lee is a beautiful, sultry queen of sexual fantasy. And if I sing to her, maybe I can lure her into a night of exotic delectation.
Stan: Yeah, that'd be cool.
Kenny: (How big's your penis, Chef?)
Chef: Well, three times bigger than Frank Gifford's, anyway.
Scene Description: He giggles, somewhat embarrassed.
Scene Description: Mr. Garrison's Classroom. Garrison is at his desk and Mr. Hat is across from him in a chair.
Mr. Garrison: Oh, I can't even concentrate on grading papers with all this excitement.
Scene Description: Notices Mr. Hat.
Mr. Garrison: Why are you looking at me like that Mr. Hat?
Mr. Hat: [Now on Mr. Garrison's hand.] Have you forgotten about all the pain and suffering that Kathie Lee Gifford caused you?
Mr. Garrison: Mmm, mmm, Mr. Hat, that was a long time ago, and, and I was only a child.
Mr. Hat: We could have won that talent show, we could have been huge.
Scene Description: Flashback to the National Talents Show Finals.
Lil Mr. Garrison: Knock knock, Mr. Hat.
Mr. Hat: Who's there?
Lil Mr. Garrison: Orange.
Mr. Hat: Orange who?
Lil Mr. Garrison: Orange you glad I didn't say banana?
Scene Description: One person claps.
Mr. Hat: Thank you.
Scene Description: Judges show scores of 8.9, 9, 7.8 and 9.2.
Lil Mr. Garrison: Wow Mr. Hat, looks like we might win.
Show Announcer: And now our last talent show finalist, Kathie Lee Epstein.
Lil Kathie Lee: If they could see me now, that little gang of mine. I'm eating fancy chow and drinking fancy wine. I'd like those stumble bums to see for a fact The kind of top-drawer first-rate chums I attract [Mexican puppet] All I can say is, "Wow-wee, look-a where I am." [Tourist puppet] Tonight I landed, Pow!, right in a pot of jam. What a setup! Holy Cow! They'd never believe it, if my friends could see me now!
Scene Description: Crowd goes wild. Judges show all 10's. Little Garrison is shocked.
Scene Description: In the present.
Mr. Garrison: It, it wasn't fair. She had choreography. How could we compete with that?
Mr. Hat: But now she's coming to South Park, and I know a way to make it all better.
Mr. Garrison: How?
Scene Description: Mr. Hat whispers to Mr. Garrison.
Mr. Garrison: No, Mr. Hat, I couldn't kill Kathie Lee Gifford!
Scene Description: Mr. Garrison's Classroom, later in the day. The Mayor is now there.
Mayor McDaniels: Children, as you all know, Miss Kathie Lee Gifford will be in South Park to present the award to some kid for an essay.
Cartman: That kid is me.
Mayor McDaniels: Whatever. Now, I'm going to have you luscious little youngsters do a play about the history of South Park.
Mr. Garrison: That'll be wonderful, won't it Mr. Hat.
Mr. Hat: [In a demonic voice.] Kill her.
Mr. Garrison: [Whispers.] Mr. Hat!
Mayor McDaniels: Mr. Garrison, I'm asking you to direct our little play.
Mr. Garrison: Oh, that's perfect. You see Mr. Hat, we don't have to kill her. We can just upstage her.
Wendy: Mrs. Mayor, you might want to review the essays. We think Cartman might have cheated.
Mayor McDaniels: Who cares? Now kids, what's say we give it our South Park best!
Scene Description: Silence.
Mayor McDaniels: And who's our little prize winner again?
Cartman: Me! Eric Cartman!
Mayor McDaniels: How about we get in shape, huh? We want to look our best for the TV cameras don't we?
Cartman: Yes ma'am. [Sings.] I'm gonna be on television, I'm gonna be on television.
Scene Description: Bus Stop The kids have gotten off the bus and are going home.
Cartman: [Still singing.] ...I'm gonna be on television, I'm gonna be on television...
Stan: [Turning to face Cartman.] We don't believe for a minute that you won that contest fairly, fat boy.
Cartman: Egh, stop defending your little girlfriend for writing about some stupid fish.
Stan: Dude, dolphins are intelligent and friendly.
Cartman: Intelligent and friendly on rye bread with some mayonnaise.
Stan: Dolphins are way smarter than you!
Cartman: If they're so smart, why do they live in igloos?
Stan: Dolphins don't live in igloos, that's Eskimos!
Cartman: Dolphins, Eskimos, who cares?! It's all a bunch of tree hugging hippie crap!
Stan: Tell me what you wrote about!
Cartman: I can't. I have to go home and get in shape.
Stan: Yeah, right! You'll go and sit in front of the TV and eat Cheesy Poofs, ass-master!
Cartman: Screw you, hippie!
Scene Description: Cartman's House. Cartman is sitting on the couch in front of the TV eating Cheesy Poofs.
TV Announcer: We'll be right back to Jesus and Pals, after this.
Beefcake: Hey!! You need to get in shape fast?! Wanna look your best?! Tired the other guys getting all the chicks?! Are you tired of being a 90 pound weakling?!
Cartman: Yeah, I only weigh 90 pounds.
Beefcake: Then bulk up quick, with Weight Gain 4000!!
Cartman: Yes!
Beefcake: With over 4,000 grams of saturated fat per serving, its patented formula is designed to enter the mouth, and go to directly to the stomach where it is distributed to the bloodstream. Now available in stores everywhere. Get some today, and say with me: 'Beefcake!'
Cartman: Beefcake!
Beefcake: Beefcake!
Cartman: Beefcake!
Beefcake: Beefcake!
Beefcake, Cartman: [In unison] BEEFCAKE!
TV Announcer: May cause irreversible damage to the kidneys and liver...
Cartman: Mom, can you get me some Weight Gain 4000?
Liane: Okay Eric, I'll get you some at the store tomorrow.
Cartman: But mom, I need it for tomorrow.
Liane: But tomorrow is grocery day Eric.
Cartman: [Shrieking.] Mm-mo-om, Ah-ee née-eed suh-ome Weight Gain Four Thousaaand! I need iiit!
Liane: Okay, okay, then. I guess I'll be going to the store now then.
Scene Description: Cartman smiles broadly.
Scene Description: Mr. Garrison's Bed. He hears Kathie Lee singing in his head: "If they could see me now, that little crowd of mine, and eating fancy chow..." He wakes up startled.
Mr. Garrison: No, no!
Mr. Hat: [In a demonic voice.] Kill her.
Mr. Garrison: No, Mr. Hat, I won't do it.
Scene Description: Mr. Hat's head starts spinning slowly, demonically, his pupils glow red.
Mr. Hat: Kill!
Mr. Garrison: That does it, you're going in the dresser drawer, Mr. Hat.
Mr. Hat: She'll make a fool of you again.
Mr. Garrison: Well, you can just stay in that drawer Negative Nancy.
Scene Description: Bus Stop, next morning.
Scene Description: Cartman is a bit bigger and showing it off by wearing a Beefcake muscle shirt instead of layers of clothes.
Cartman: Hey dudes.
Kyle: What the hell is wrong with you, Cartman? Haven't you noticed the three feet of snow on the ground?
Cartman: Listen! I have a nice body and I want to show it off, you got that?
Stan: What? You've got to weight 90 pounds.
Cartman: I'm up to 94, thank you very much.
Kenny: (They're the biggest breasts that I've seen)
Kyle: Yeah, they're almost as big as his mom's.
Scene Description: The others laugh.
Cartman: Laugh all you want, I'm the one who's gonna be on TV, looking all buff.
Scene Description: He chugs the can of Weight Gain.
Stan: What's that stuff?
Cartman: Weight Gain 4000, it's helping me bulk up.
Kyle: Bulk up to what, fat-ass?
Stan: Super fat-ass?
Cartman: Ey! I don't have to take that kind of crap from you scrawny weaklings!
Scene Description: The bus Arrives and the others go in ahead of him.
Cartman: Eh, eh. Sweet. Check me out, I'm such a beefcake I can't even get through the door. Eh.
Scene Description: Town Square. A flag goes up.
Mayor McDaniels: Come on people. We've got to turn this place around. Hang up the lights, string up the banners, castrate the cows!
Cows: [Out in a pasture.] Mooooo?
Scene Description: Outdoor stage. The class has moved there to practice a play.
Mayor McDaniels: Well Mr. Garrison, how is the little play going?
Mr. Garrison: Huh? Oh, fine. We were just about to run it from the top.
Mayor McDaniels: Oh, please do. I'm dying to see it.
Mr. Garrison: Okay, all the little pioneers on this side of the stage.
Scene Description: Stan, Kyle, Butters, and Kevin Stoley go.
Mr. Garrison: Good. And all the little Indians go to the center of the stage.
Scene Description: Pip, Kenny, Red, and Token go.
Clyde Donovan: Am I an Indian, or a pioneer?
Mr. Garrison: Do you have a feather on your head?
Clyde: Yes.
Mr. Garrison: Then you're an Indian.
Clyde: Oh.
Mr. Garrison: Okay Bebe, this is your line.
Bebe Stevens: [Haltingly.] This is the story of South Park. It begins over a hundred years ago. When the noble and hardy Ute Indians lived on the land.
Scene Description: The curtains part to reveal Clyde, Token, Pip, Bertha, and Kenny, all dressed like Indians, sitting in a circle beneath a prop teepee.
Mayor McDaniels: Oh, don't they look adorable?
Bebe: Then, from the east, came the great white pioneers.
Scene Description: Pioneers come on stage and start beating the Indians and tossing them about. Screams are everywhere, and a tee-pee falls in front of Kenny.
Mayor McDaniels: Oh my God!
Mr. Garrison: They did it a lot better this morning, they had more energy.
Bebe: The pioneers met with the Indians, and negotiated for their fertile lands.
Scene Description: Kevin the Indian lands by her, with blood oozing out of a gash on his head. She steps aside. Pioneer Butters punches Indian Pip repeatedly.
Mayor McDaniels: Mr. Garrison, we can not have our children beating each other senseless in front of Kathie Lee Gifford.
Mr. Garrison: Well, what do you want? This is how it happened in those days.
Stan: Take that you stupid Indian!
Scene Description: Stan beats Clyde the Indian with the butt of his gun.
Clyde: Dow!
Mayor McDaniels: Mr. Garrison, this is not appropriate. Do you actually think Kathie Lee Gifford would enjoy this?!?
Mr. Garrison: To hell with Kathie Lee Gifford!
Scene Description: All stop and gasp.
Mr. Garrison: Oh my God, what have I said?
Townsman: He said, "To hell with Kathie Lee Gifford!"
Scene Description: Boos all around.
Mayor McDaniels: Mr. Garrison, I am dismissing you from directing our play.
Scene Description: Garrison skulks away.
Scene Description: Mr. Garrison's House.
Mr. Hat: [In his deep voice.] It happened again didn't it? Now we do things my way.
Mr. Garrison: I can't kill her Mr. Hat...you're gonna have to do it.
Scene Description: Mr. Hat laughs.
Scene Description: Town Square Stage.
Kyle: Whoa, Cartman. Talk about wide load.
Scene Description: Cartman is much bigger now.
Cartman: Yeah, I'm really starting to fill out nicely.
Kyle: You're not filling out nicely, you're fatter than ever!
Cartman: I'm not fat! I'm getting in shape!
Kyle: Cartman, you're such a fat ass that when you walk down the street people go "God damn it, that's a big fat ass!"
Cartman: No they don't, you jealous weakling!
Townsman: God damn, that's a big fat ass!
Cartman: Hey!
Wendy: Hi guys.
Cartman: Oh look, another hippie.
Scene Description: Cartman gives her the peace sign.
Cartman: Peace, Wendy.
Stan: Shut up Cartman!
Cartman: Oooh, Two little hippies sit'n' in a tree...
Scene Description: Wendy moves by Cartman and then whispers to Stan.
Wendy: I'm gonna find Cartman's paper and get to the bottom of this.
Cartman: ...K I S S I N G. First comes the baby and...
Scene Description: Jimbo's Guns. There is a poster welcoming Kathie Lee on the left side of the store entrance.
Jimbo Kern: Can I help you?
Mr. Garrison: Yes... I need a gun.
Jimbo: Would this be for hunting, home protection, or other?
Mr. Garrison: Other.
Jimbo: Alrighty then! May I suggest a Stratford 12mm? Here, try it on!
Scene Description: Hands Mr. Garrison a gun.
Jimbo: That looks really nice on you. The lacquered black really matches your eyes.
Mr. Garrison: [To Mirror.] You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me? [To Jimbo.] I don't know, it's a little small.
Jimbo: Okay, how about this?
Mr. Garrison: [To Mirror.] You talkin' to me? [To Jimbo.] Hmm, no, I don't like this one either.
Jimbo: Here's the same gun, with a wood finish.
Mr. Garrison: [To Mirror.] You talkin' to me? I don't see anybody else around here, so you must be talkin' to me. [To Jimbo.] I'll take it!
Scene Description: Mr. Garrison's Classroom, lights out. Wendy enters.
Wendy: Hello?
Scene Description: She sneaks over to file cabinet. Sees her paper first and is disgusted to find Cartman's question in writing: "If dolphins are so smart, why do they live in igloos?" Then she finds Cartman's paper.
Wendy: My essay by Eric Cartman: "When I wrote the following pages, or rather the bulk of them, I lived alone in the woods on the shore of..."
Scene Description: Mr. Garrison enters. Wendy hides.
Mr. Garrison: Well, Mr. Hat, I guess ol' Kathie Lee really will be surprised when she gets here tomorrow. She beat us in the talent show all those years ago. And I think we owe her for that. Babang!
Wendy: [Hushed.] Oh my God.
Scene Description: Town Square. Mr. Garrison walks down the street with his rifle as if it's normal.
Townsman: Howdy Mr. Garrison, nice gun.
Mr. Garrison: Thank you.
Townswoman: Nice gun Mr. Garrison.
Mr. Garrison: Thanks.
Scene Description: He approaches Officer Barbrady.
Mr. Garrison: Hello Officer Barbrady.
Officer Barbrady: Nice Gun.
Mr. Garrison: Thanks. Is there somewhere in town where I can get a good, clear shot - er, view - of Kathie Lee.
Officer Barbrady: Hmmmm. You know, I think the book depository would be a good bet.
Scene Description: They look up at it. Two vultures fly around it.
Mr. Garrison: Yes, that might do quite nicely. Thank you Officer Barbrady.
Officer Barbrady: No problem.
Scene Description: He turns to a fan walking by with a camera.
Officer Barbrady: Heah! Caught you red handed. No Pictures of Kathie Lee!
Mayor McDaniels: [On stage.] Where is she?
Scene Description: Cartman, off stage, looming over his friends now.
Cartman: This is sweet. Camera crews are setting up and I'm looking totally ripped. Beefcake. Beefcaaake!
Kyle: I don't think they're going to be able to get all of you in frame Cartman.
Wendy: [Rushing in.] You guys, we have to stop him!
Kyle: Stop who?
Wendy: Mr. Garrison. He's going to try to kill Kathie Lee Gifford.
Cartman: Oh no you don't, you're not going to ruin my moment of fame.
Wendy: He's got a gun!
Cartman: You got to get over this whole jealousy thing. Eihh, seriously. Just face it, I wrote a better paper than you.
Wendy: It just so happens that I have your paper, and I know why you won! There's something more important right now. Let's go!
Stan: Wendy, you got to prioritize. What's more important? Being on TV or some stupid assassination?
Wendy: [Sweetly.] Stan, I can't do it alone. Please?
Scene Description: Stan falters and looks down, unable to resist her.
Kyle: Uh oh, we're losing him.
Scene Description: Cartman looks down at Stan.
Mayor McDaniels: Here she comes.
Scene Description: The band starts playing. Kathie Lee comes in riding in bullet proof 'bubble' on the back of a truck.
Scene Description: Mr. Garrison, looking on from the book depository window.
Mr. Garrison: Damn, I guess I'm not the only person in America who's thought of killing Kathie Lee Gifford.
Townswoman: We love you Kathie Lee, heh heh.
Kathie Lee Gifford: I love you, too.
Mr. Garrison: Come on you little bitch. [Takes aim.] You got to come out of your precious bubble sooner or later, missy.
Mayor McDaniels: [On stage.] It is with great pride and honor that I'd like to welcome Mrs. Kathie Lee Gifford to South Park.
Scene Description: Crowd cheers.
Mayor McDaniels: ...And now, our very own South Park Elementary chef will sing a special song in honor of Mrs. Lee Gifford.
Chef: Thank you Mr. Mayor. You know Kathie Lee, you are a very special woman. I don't mean special in a Mary Tyler Moore way. Or, or special in an Extra Value Meal at Happy Burger way. Noo nononono. I mean special. Like the song of uh, the humming bird as it gets ready to find that female hummingbird and make sweet love to it all night long. Just two humming birds moaning and, and groaning and, and their bodies caress and touch each other in ecstasy. Oh, Kathie Lee, how I'd love to lay you dowwwwn. And lick every inch of your bodaay with my tongue.
Mayor McDaniels: What?
Chef: Kathie Lee, you're my sexual fantasy.
Mayor McDaniels: What? Oh God!
Chef: How 'bout you and meee-
Scene Description: Quickly taking the mic from him.
Mayor McDaniels: Uh, Thank you Chef, for that heartwarming song.
Chef: -get together and make... sweet... love?
Mayor McDaniels: Thank you Chef!
Scene Description: She grabs the mike and drags him off.
Chef McDaniels: Oh, oh. God bless you Kathie Lee!
Wendy: [Wendy and Stan run up.] Officer Barbrady, Mr. Garrison is about to kill Kathie Lee! We have to find him!
Officer Barbrady: What? You mean the teacher? Wait a minute. [Flashes back.]
Mr. Garrison: Is there somewhere in town where I can get a good, clear shot - er, view - of Kathie Lee.
Officer Barbrady: Hmm, you know, I think the book depository would be a good bet-I think the book depository would be a good bet-book depository-depository-depository-depository ...
Scene Description: His face gets bigger with every repetition. He snaps to.
Officer Barbrady: Damn, he could be anywhere! I'll send out an APB!
Stan: Wendy, look!
Scene Description: Points to book depository.
Scene Description: Back on stage.
Mayor McDaniels: And now, here to present the award for the environmental essay to our own, Eric Kauffman...
Cartman: Cartman, God damn it.
Mayor McDaniels: ...is your favorite celebrity, and mine, [Crowd cheers.] Kathie Lee Gifford!
Scene Description: Kathie Lee is thrust up on stage in her bubble by her security force. Cartman's mom hugs her heart.
Kathie Lee: Thank you. I love you all.
Scene Description: Stan and Wendy reach the Book Depository.
Stan: Mr. Garrison, stop!
Mr. Garrison: Leave us. We must finish what we have begun.
Wendy: I know that she's hurt you. She's hurt a lot of people.
Mr. Garrison: You can't know.
Wendy: You should have won that talent show.
Scene Description: On the stage.
Kathie Lee: It is with great honor and pride that I present the winner his trophy. Eric, would you please come up here?
Cartman: Here it is, my big moment of fame.
Scene Description: Book Depository.
Mr. Garrison: ...and then she finished it all by throwing her voice with two dummies at once.
Wendy: I know that Mr. Garrison, but this isn't the answer.
Mr. Garrison: It is... too late for me, young Wendy.
Scene Description: Cartman gets on stage, with help from Kyle and Kenny. Mr. Garrison takes aim.
Wendy: You see, I've learned something today, you can't win all the time, and if you don't win, you certainly can't hold it against the person who did, because that's the only way you ever really lose.
Scene Description: Lowering his weapon.
Mr. Garrison: You... you're right.
Wendy: Gooood.
Stan: Man, did she really throw her voice with two dummies at once?
Mr. Hat: [Snapping into position.] The bitch must die!
Scene Description: The stage. Cartman's weight breaks it.
Kathie Lee: Ooohhhh!
Scene Description: She flies through the air. Mr. Garrison fires at her, thinking she is still on stage. Kenny is hit.
Kenny: (Oh no!)
Scene Description: He flies through the air and is impaled through the head by a flag pole. He slides on down.
Kyle: Huh, Oh my God, they killed Kenny! You bastard!
Scene Description: Kathie Lee's bubble lands on the truck.
Agent 1: Gun!
Agent 2: Gun!
Kyle: Hey, come back! We didn't even get to do our play.
Scene Description: The entourage leaves and the crowd groans.
TV Crew Director: I guess that's it, guys. Wrap it up.
Cartman: Hey! Wait a minute! When do I get to be on television?
TV Crew Director: Forget it kid. No Kathie Lee, no public interest.
Cartman: [Whining.] But I won the environmental essay contest.
Wendy: You don't deserve to win Cartman. And you know it.
Scene Description: Into mic.
Wendy: I'm holding Cartman's award winning paper. It's actually nothing more than Walden, with Henry David Thoreau's name crossed out, and Cartman's name written in its place.
Townsman 1: Who cares?
Townsman 2: Yeah, Kathie Lee Gifford's gone.
Stan: Wha, What about, not holding anything against the person who wins?
Wendy: Well, not if it's Cartman.
Scene Description: Into mic.
Wendy: Hey, where are you all going!
Scene Description: Aside.
Wendy: They don't even know what Walden is.
Scene Description: Into mic.
Wendy: I bet if Walden was a sitcom you'd all know what it was.
Stan: Come on Wendy, Kyle's mom will make us tuna fish sandwiches.
Wendy: Ah, what the hell.
Scene Description: Kids walk out.
Mayor McDaniels: Nohoho nooo. Now I'll be stuck in this Podunk town forever, with all these stupid hick, redneck, jobless, truck driving idiots!
Ted: Uh, Mayor, the mic is on.
Scene Description: In front of flag pole.
Officer Barbrady: [Arresting Mr. Hat.] Thought you could get away with it, eh Mr. Hat?
Mr. Hat: Well, I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for those meddling kids.
Officer Barbrady: You're lucky that you missed Kathie Lee Gifford and that nobody got hurt.
Scene Description: Apparently, he didn't see Kenny get impaled. Kenny's corpse slides down to base of flag pole.
Scene Description: South Park Mental Home, Mr. Garrison's Hospital Room.
Stan: We hope you can come back to school real soon Mr. Garrison.
Mr. Garrison: Well children, I'd love to, but the doctors say that Mr. Hat needs more therapy.
Scene Description: Mr. Hat is in a straitjacket.
Mr. Hat: We can still get her! Let mmm-
Mr. Garrison: I'm just so sorry that I ruined everyone's chances for being on TV.
Kyle: Not Cartman, he gets to be on TV anyway.
Mr. Garrison: Really, on what?
Scene Description: Geraldo.
Geraldo Rivera: Obesity, adiposity, corpulence... Whatever word you use, it represents one thing: Being a big fat-ass. We have with us today, live via satellite, Eric Cartman from South Park, who is now so obese he can't even get out of his house.
Cartman: When is this going to be on the air?
Geraldo: Is there anything you'd like to say to people out there?
Cartman: Follow your dreams, you can reach your goals; I'm living proof. Beefcake. Beefcaaake!
Scene Description: Chef's Bedroom.
Chef: He needs to run his ass around the block a few times.
Kathie Lee: Hmmm, how about a little more of that good lovin' Chef?
Chef: Damn woman, I just gave you sweet loving five minutes ago. You trying to kill me?


Scene Description: In front of Cartman's house. Jimbo, Ned, and the boys are waiting for Cartman.
Liane: Now you be careful, Eric. The woods can be very dangerous.
Cartman: Okay, Mom.
Kyle: Ready to go hunting, Cartman?
Stan: Yeah, my Uncle Jimbo says we gotta get up there early. Right, Uncle Jimbo?
Jimbo: That's right, Stanley. Animals are much easier to shoot in the morning.
Liane: Here hon, I packed you some cheesy poofs and happy tarts.
Jimbo: Don't worry Mrs. Cartman, we'll take good care of him. I brought my old war buddy Ned to keep things safe.
Ned Gerblansky: Hello, Mrs. Cartman. How are you today?
Liane: Be sure to use lots of bug spray, and if you have to poo-poo, don't wipe with poison ivy.
Scene Description: The other boys laugh.
Cartman: Dude, that's sick mom.
Liane: And I know it can get scary up in those woods, but just remember, mommy's not far away.
Scene Description: They laugh some more.
Cartman: Drive, Drive!
Liane: You give your mommy a kissy.
Cartman: Drive the car damn-it, drive!
Scene Description: In the Humvee.
Kyle: [In a slight falsetto.] Don't get scared up in the mountains Cartman.
Cartman: Shut up, I'm not scared of nothing.
Stan: Maybe your mom can give me a kiss too, Cartman.
Kenny: (Maybe she'll suck my dick.)
Jimbo: Oh, ho, that's disgusting.
Cartman: You piece of crap, I'll kill you!
Scene Description: Cartman starts fighting with Kenny.
Jimbo: That's the spirit boys, let's get that testosterone flowin'.
Cartman: Eeeeenh!
Scene Description: He is about to strike Kenny again.
Jimbo: Now boys, boys, ah-I need to get serious for a minute. I want you to understand a few basic rules of hunting, since this is your first time. First, don't ever walk with your gun unless the safety's on. Second, don't shoot anything that looks human, and third, never spill your beer in the bullet chamber.
Stan: Uh, Uncle Jimbo, we don't drink beer.
Jimbo: You what?!?
Ned: mmmMoh Yeah, that's right, I don't think eight year old kids drink beer, mmm.
Kyle: I like chocolate milk.
Jimbo: Well, we'll be doing plenty of drinking on this trip; After all, hunting sober is like ...fishing ...sober. It sure will be nice to get out of the city for a while, away from civilization.
Scene Description: Jimbo drives the Humvee up a small mountain very close to town.
Scene Description: On the mountain.
Jimbo: Welp, here we are. Okay, each of you young 'uns take a gun, a beer and some smokes.
Cartman: Hey, I didn't get a gun.
Scene Description: Jimbo hands him one.
Cartman: Sweet. This is like the gun I used in 'Nam
Stan: You weren't in Vietnam, Cartman.
Ned: Were you stationed in Da Nang?
Stan: Cartman always makes stuff up, Ned. You can't believe anything he says.
Cartman: Hey, I'll blow your friggin' head off.
Scene Description: They point their guns at each other, Jimbo rushes up.
Jimbo: Hey, look out son, that's dangerous. You're gonna spill your beer.
Stan: My Uncle Jimbo says that after this, he's gonna take me hunting in Africa.
Kyle: Wow, that'd be cool.
Cartman: My mom says there's a lot of black people in Africa.
Jimbo: Boys, looky there. That there's a Rocky Mountain black bear ...one of the few remaining of its kind. Isn't it beautiful... By God, it's coming right for us!
Scene Description: Shoots it. It is hit and flips off the mound it was on.
Stan: Hey, it wasn't coming right for us. It was just sitting there.
Jimbo: Shhh, not so loud. Now that there's just a technicality.
Kyle: What do you mean?
Jimbo: You see boys, the Democrats have passed a lot of laws trying to stop us from hunting.
Cartman: Democrats piss me off!
Jimbo: They say we can't shoot certain animals anymore, unless they're posing an immediate threat. Therefore, before we shoot somethin', we have to say 'It's coming right for us.'
Stan: Wow, you're smart Uncle Jimbo.
Ned: Mmm, Jimbo look, mm.
Jimbo: Ohho, it's a deer. Looks like about a .46 gauge, Ned. It's coming right for us!
Scene Description: Jimbo pulls out a bazooka, mounts it on his shoulder, and fires a rocket. All that's left of the deer is a hind leg, which falls over.
Cartman: Kickass!!
Scene Description: Everyone is in creep position now, except Jimbo.
Jimbo: Did you see that?! I was imperiled by that ferocious, charging buck.
Ned: Moohh, rabbit, rabbit, 5 o'clock.
Scene Description: A rabbit hops blissfully into view.
Jimbo: [Drops to the ground.] Let's move, moove!
Scene Description: He hustles off to the right. Ned follows.
Stan: Is this hunting?
Kyle: I guess so.
Cartman: Ah, dude! I'm starting to have flashbacks.
Kyle: What?!
Cartman: Danforth, pull up flank! Look out for Charlies- up in the trees!
Scene Description: On the ridge.
Jimbo: This one's yours Stan.
Scene Description: Stan aims at the bunny, but it just blinks at him. Jimbo coaxes.
Jimbo: [Calmly.]It's coming right for us.
Ned: It's coming right for us.
Scene Description: Stan focuses. The bunny blinks.
Kyle: Shoot it Stan.
Cartman: I got your back, soldier.
Scene Description: Stan lowers his gun.
Stan: I can't.
Scene Description: The bunny hops away.
Jimbo: What the? What's wrong with you?
Stan: I don't wanna shoot the bunny.
Jimbo: What the hell are you talking about, 'you don't wanna shoot the bunny?' You're babbling, you're not making any sense, you're hysterical.
Stan: I'm not hysterical, I just don't want to shoot the bunny.
Jimbo: No nephew of mine is gonna be a tree-hugger.
Cartman: Yeah hippie, go back to Woodstock if you can't shoot anything.
Stan: I can shoot you, fat ass!
Cartman: I can shoot you too!
Stan: I'll kill you!
Cartman: I'll fill you full of lead!
Scene Description: The mountain rumbles.
Kyle: Hey, what's that?
Scene Description: South Park Center for Seismic Activity, Randy is humming: another day and all is quiet. A rumble is heard in the distance, but Randy is dozing off. A stronger rumble rolls through.
Scene Description: Randy checks the seismograph.
Randy Marsh: What the heck is this?
Scene Description: He places a call.
Randy: Yeah, Frank, it's uh Randy, Uh huh, good, Yeah, listen, the uh, the little needle's moving. Yeah, it's going back and forth really fast-what does that mean? ...Uh huh ...Uh huh ...Let me check.
Scene Description: He looks out the window at the volcano, which shows a column of steam.
Randy: Yeah, it's smoking. Uh huh. Oh really? Really? Oh my God! A volcano!
Scene Description: Dramatic music builds, then Randy...sips his coffee.
Scene Description: Night on the mountain.
Cartman: My weenies won't cook.
Ned: Mmm, this wood won't burn, umm.
Jimbo: Well, Ned, looks like we'll have to use the old Indian fire trick.
Ned: Mmm, yepper.
Scene Description: Ned pours gasoline on the fire. The flames run up the stream and set Ned aflame.
Ned: Mmm, aahh, oh.
Jimbo: Hehehaahaa, hey, stop-drop-and roll Ned. Haaahaaaaahaha!!
Scene Description: Ned drops and rolls. He knocks the gas can over, and the flaming gas blows up the Hummer.
Stan, Kyle: Whoa!
Jimbo: Goddamnit Ned, I just got that van. How the hell are we supposed to get home?
Ned: Mmm, oh, it hurts, it hurts, mmm.
Scene Description: Cartman is now cooking his weenies over Ned's burning body.
Cartman: Hey you guys, this works pretty good right meah.
Scene Description: City Hall, The following morning.
Chef: But you see Mr. Mayor, you can't stop serving Salisbury steak in our public schools. What's next, meatloaf?
Mayor McDaniels: We are quite aware of your concerns Chef, but...
Scene Description: The intercom beeps. She answers.
Johnson: Mayor, the geologist is here to see you.
Mayor McDaniels: My geologist? Now? Tell him the infection is fine and I don't need another check-up.
Johnson: No mayor, that's a gynecologist. A geologist studies the earth.
Mayor McDaniels: Don't you think I know that? How dare you insult my intellect, I went to Princeton for God's sake! You get out of my office!
Johnson: I'm not in your office mayor, I'm talking to you through a speaker.
Scene Description: Long pause.
Mayor McDaniels: Just send in the geometrist.
Johnson: Geologist...
Mayor McDaniels: You are fired, buddy!
Johnson: Thank you mayor, it's been great working for you.
Scene Description: Randy enters.
Randy: Mayor, we have got a very big problem. Mt. Evanston is about to erupt.
Mayor McDaniels: What does this mean to the town?
Randy: Well, this graph shows everything from normal to bad.
Scene Description: He points out relative damage levels on a chart.
Randy: Right now South Park is here.
Mayor McDaniels: My God!
Chef: Mayor, some of the school children, are up camping, on that mountain, right now!
Mayor McDaniels: Ooh, this is big! Johnson, Johnson, are you there? [Beeps out.]
Ted: Uhh, you just fired Johnson, Mayor. I'm his replacement, Ted.
Mayor McDaniels: Ted, we have got a major crisis here. I want you to get on the phone and call Inside Edition, Rescue 911-uh, and Entertainment Tonight-eh. [Thump.] Better get my stylist on the phone too. Don't worry, things are under control.
Scene Description: Back on the Mountain. Jimbo is telling stories.
Jimbo: And then... Ned picked up the grenade and... BOOM, blasted his arm clear off. We spent three hours looking for that damn arm, but it was never to be found. Some say it's still crawling around to this day.
Scene Description: Ned extends his prosthetic arm towards Cartman as if to show that shot-off arm is now at the campsite, climbing on Cartman.
Ned: Mmmowwwh.
Scene Description: Cartman flinches, and the others laugh.
Jimbo: Hah, got ya.
Cartman: Heh, tha-that's not scary.
Kyle: You were scared Cartman! you almost peed your pants!
Cartman: Shut up, I didn't pee in my pants!
Jimbo: Hey Ned, hand me that gin.
Scene Description: Ned opens up the icebox and tosses a bottle to him.
Jimbo: You boys want to tie one on?
Kyle: No, No thanks, that stuff tastes like pee.
Stan: Yeah, Cartman's pee.
Cartman: Hey, you would taste my pee!
Jimbo: What the hell's wrong with you? Can't you have a little alcohol?
Scene Description: Kenny reaches for the gasoline can and chugs away.
Jimbo: Christ, look at that little bastard go!
Scene Description: Kenny hiccups.
Jimbo: Now you see that Stan? Now, now that is a dirty little bastard!
Stan: Hey, I'm a dirty little bastard too.
Cartman: Hey you guys. I know a scary story.
Kyle: Shut up, Cartman! You can't scare anybody!
Scene Description: Softly, slowly, flashlight ready.
Cartman: Oh yeah? Have you guys ever heard of [He turns his flashlight on his face for dramatic effect.] Scuzzlebutt?
Stan: Whatabutt?
Cartman: Scuzzlebutt is a creature that lives up on this very mountain, and kills anybody who dares climb to the top.
Stan: Why?
Cartman: Because, it loves the taste of blood, and likes to add pieces to its deformed body.
Kyle: Deformed how?
Cartman: Well, on his left arm, instead of a hand, he has...
Stan: A hook.
Kyle: A knife.
Cartman: No! A piece of celery.
Stan: Celery?
Cartman: Yeah, and he walks with a limp. Because one of his legs is missing. And where his leg should be, there's nothing but...Patrick Duffy.
Kyle: Patrick Duffy? Damn it Cartman, that's not scary!
Cartman: What do you mean? Have you ever seen Step By Step? [Silence.] So he lives alone on this mountain, and weaves baskets, and other assorted crafts. They say that on quiet nights you can hear him weaving his baskets. Tashink ...tashink ...tashink.
Stan: Cartman, you suck at telling scary stories.
Kyle: Yeah, give me that flashlight.
Scene Description: Kyle takes it and turns it off.
Kenny: (Hey, what's that?)
Scene Description: The volcano rumbles again.
Kyle: What is that?
Stan: Maybe it's Scuzzlebutt coming to weave us into wicker baskets.
Cartman: Hey, it might be!
Kyle: Gosh, I hope he doesn't cut me with his celery hand.
Scene Description: The others laugh.
Cartman: Screw you guys! ...Go to Hell!
Scene Description: Jimbo is now playing his guitar.
Jimbo: Hey Ned, why don't you whip out the ol' cancer kazoo? Let's do a little song.
Ned: Abumbayah my lord, kumbayah. Uumbayah my lord, kumbayah. Uumbayah my lord, kumbayah. [Uncle Jimbo cries] Mmmoh lord, Kumbayah. Emsomeone's crying my lord, Kumbayah Someone's crying my lord, Kumbayah...
Cartman: They don't think Scuzzlebutt is scary huh? Let's see how they like it when they actually see Scuzzlebutt! I'll scare the hell out of 'em tomorrow!
Ned: ...Someone's crying my lord, Kumbayah. Moh lord, Kumbayah.
Scene Description: Next morning. A rooster crows.
Kyle: Stan, Stan, wake up!
Stan: What, dude?
Kyle: I don't know where Cartman is. I think something took him away.
Stan: Where's my Uncle Jimbo and Ned?
Kyle: They're out fishing with Kenny.
Stan: With Kenny? But, but this is supposed to be my camping trip. Why do they like Kenny so much? Doesn't he like me anymore?
Kyle: Well Stan, you want to know what I think?
Stan: What?
Scene Description: Kyle farts, and is pleased with himself. Stan does nothing.
Scene Description: In the fishing boat.
Jimbo: What a beautiful morning for fishing. There's one, there's a fish right there!
Scene Description: He throws grenade, killing a fish.
Ned: Mmm, got it.
Scene Description: Kenny throws a grenade, killing four fish.
Jimbo: Great instincts boy.
Scene Description: Stan runs to the side of the lake.
Stan: Uncle Jimbo, Cartman's missing!
Jimbo: Who? The fat kid?
Stan: Yeah.
Jimbo: Ah hell, I guess we better go look for him. Ned, we got to cut it short. Fire out the 12-20!
Scene Description: Ned fires the load and a massive amount of fish float to the surface. The boat lands a second later
Jimbo: Well, I think that's about the limit for our fishing permit.
Ned: [Rowing to shore.] Moh man it smells like dead fish here.
Kenny: (A little like a vagina.)
Ned: Em-moh man, that is nasty.
Jimbo: Heh, I don't think I've ever seen a kid as cool as you Kenny. I'm making you... my honorary nephew.
Kenny: (Thanks.)
Scene Description: Stan's head drops.
Scene Description: In front of city hall. The media is now present.
Newscaster: The people of South Park are humble and friendly. But now, a ticking time-bomb of hot lava waits to engulf these people and end their miserable lives with one last fleeting moment of excruciatingly painful burning agony.
Crowd: Yeahhh.
Scene Description: They sound more excited than agonized.
Individual in crowd: Hey, I'm on TV! I'm on TV!
Newscaster: Mayor, what are you doing to prepare for this inevitable catastrophe?
Mayor McDaniels: All we know right now is that some of our children [Sob-sob.] are camping on that mountain and... Oh, I'm sorry, can I start over?
Newscaster: Huh?
Mayor McDaniels: Well you can edit this right? Ready, 3,2,1 [Melodramatically.] All we know right now is that some of our children are up camping on that mountain. We can't do anything until we get them. Okay people, let's go get those kids.
Chef: Come on everybody. You got to help the children.
Scene Description: On the mountain.
Jimbo: Uh, well, he couldn't have gone far, unless something drug him off.
Ned: There's not many animals out today, Jimbo, mmm.
Jimbo: Yeah, it's almost like something funny's going on.
Scene Description: The volcano rumbles.
Jimbo: Christ, Ned, what'd you have for breakfast.
Ned: Mm I don't know man. I've got some bad gas.
Jimbo: Wait, there's a ram! It's coming right for us!
Scene Description: Fires at the ram. Kenny takes over.
Jimbo: Nice shootin' Kenny. Here, you need a bigger gun.
Kyle: Look!
Cartman: I am Scuzzlebutt, Lord of the Mountains. Behold my Patrick Duffy leg.
Ned: Mmm, what is it?
Kyle: Dude, it's Scuzzlebutt! Cartman wasn't lying.
Jimbo: Holy crow! We could make a mint killing this thing.
Ned: We'll be on the cover of "Guns & Ammo".
Jimbo: This calls for some HJ-14.
Cartman: [To himself.] Heheh. Those guys are totally scared.
Scene Description: Jimbo is now armed with twin shoulder rockets.
Jimbo: Fire in the hoooole!
Cartman: Holy crap!
Scene Description: Cartman jumps out of the way. The rockets hit the mound and debris goes in all directions.
Jimbo: Damn it, I think I missed.
Cartman: What the hell is wrong with you people?!
Jimbo: C'mon, let's move, move!
Scene Description: Cartman sees them coming and backs away.
Cartman: Hey, wait, aah!
Scene Description: Rescue Center.
Mayor McDaniels: Is, is it on? Okay. Okay people, form groups and search the mountain. Report back here every hour! You got that?!
Randy: Mayor, I might have an uhh, idea.
Mayor McDaniels: Huh, what?
Randy: Well if we can dig a very large trench, we can divert the lava into a canyon, and then it would bypass South Park pretty much completely.
Mayor McDaniels: And, that would be good? Right?
Randy: Uh - pretty sure.
Mayor McDaniels: Well, what are we waiting for. Okay, people, change of plans! Half of you grab shovels!
Scene Description: On the mountain. Jimbo and the others have lost sight of Cartman.
Jimbo: These look like its tracks. He must have gone this way. Ned, prepare some HK-12 and some plasticine. I'll bet that sucker's headed for a higher elevation. The higher up it- BIRD!! [Shoots a bald eagle.] The higher up it goes, the better it can breathe.
Kyle: [Sees Cartman still dressed as Scuzzlebutt] Look, up there.
Cartman: You guys, it's just me.
Jimbo: Are we sure it's Scuzzlebutt?
Stan: Does it have Patrick Duffy for a leg?
Jimbo: I can't tell; let's kill it!
Cartman: Eh, gotta get out of this stupid costume.
Jimbo: Kenny, you take the front.
Stan: No!
Scene Description: Stan takes the rifle from Kenny.
Stan: I can do it Uncle Jimbo. I want to bag that animal!
Jimbo: That's the spirit, kiddo. Let's hunt!
Cartman: You guys, you guys, I was just kidding!
Scene Description: Townspeople digging trench.
Newscaster: As some people of South Park try desperately to save their mountain town, others look for the missing townspeople. But all must take every precaution necessary.
Scene Description: Rescue Center.
Officer Barbrady: Okay people, listen up. As we near the top of the mountain, the chances of our encountering some lava becomes great. Therefore, I have special-ordered this training film to assist us in volcano safety. Mr. Garrison, if you would please.
Scene Description: Mr. Garrison starts the film.
Host: Harbingers of sorrow, natural disasters can be the cause of troubling and undesirable stress, and the volcano is no exception. But what should you do if a volcano erupts near you or your family? Here we see the Stevens family enjoying a [Film skips] May picnic, but suddenly daughter hears a noise. It's a volcano. Junior seems worried. But have no fear Junior, Jane learned in school what to do when you hear a volcano erupt.
Scene Description: Jane backs up, pulls out the blanket from under the food, and throws it over her family.
Host: That's right Jane, duck and cover.
Scene Description: She ducks under the blanket herself. The lava rolls over the family, causing no harm. The blanket flies off, revealing a sparkling family.
Host: So what will you [Film skips] -do when you hear a volcano erupting?
Scene Description: Two boys on bikes look alarmed. They leap off their bikes and hit the street, duck, and cover their heads with their arms.
Host: That's right, duck and cover.
Scene Description: The lava rolls over the two, causing no harm.
Host: Looks like you got the idea. Duck and cover. Thank you and goodbye.
Officer Barbrady: OK, any questions?
Chef: That has got to be the most ridiculous load of pig crap I have ever seen!
Officer Barbrady: That's enough out of you!
Scene Description: On the mountain. Cartman moves further up on the slope and turns around.
Stan: I'm gonna bag Scuzzlebutt. Then we'll see who's the little bastard.
Cartman: Hey, seriously you guys!
Kyle: [Hushed.] Kill it, Stan. Kill it. [Normally.] Come on Stan, kill it.
Stan: Ah, damn it, I can't do it!
Scene Description: Jimbo swats Stan behind the head.
Jimbo: You pansy! give me that gun.
Cartman: Hey!
Stan: Cartman?
Cartman: Goddammit, don't shoot me!
Jimbo: What the Sam Hell?
Cartman: I was just trying to scare you guys, you can put the guns down now.
Ned: Mmm, so much for the cover of "Guns & Ammo".
Jimbo: Yepper, but I think we've learned some important lessons Ned I think that-
Scene Description: Boom! Lava begins to bubble out and flow.
Kyle: Whoa!
Ned: Mmm, holy crap.
Jimbo: The mountain! It's blown it's top!
Scene Description: A boulder of lava lands in front of Kenny.
Kyle: Oh my God, they killed Kenny!
Scene Description: Kenny steps out from behind the boulder.
Kenny: (Nope, I'm okay.)
Scene Description: Kenny sees his arm on fire.
Kenny: (It-aah. It hurts! IT HURTS!)
Scene Description: The boulder rolls onto Kenny.
Kenny: (Ugh.)
Scene Description: On the side of the mountain.
Townsman 1: Look, the volcano.
Townsman 2: Quick, duck and cover.
Scene Description: They do. The lava sweeps them down the mountainside, burning them to the bone.
Scene Description: At the base of the mountain, Jimbo and the others are moving quickly.
Kyle, Stan, Cartman: Aaaaah!
Jimbo: That lava's coming right for us!!
Scene Description: Behind them a river of lava charges down the mountain.
Scene Description: Looking on from the edge of town.
Chef: Oh no, look.
Scene Description: At the trench. Jimbo and the others have made it out of the mountain, but their way into town has been cut off.
Jimbo: What the hell is this trench doing here?!? We can't get across!
Newscaster: It now looks as if the missing children are trapped in the path of hot, nasty lava.
Mayor McDaniels: God, please deliver those darling kids from... Wait, wait wait wait. 3,2, and 1. God, please deliv-
Cartman: Help!
Scene Description: Scuzzlebutt appears and scratches his belly.
Jimbo: Jimminy Pope, it's the real Scuzzlebutt!
Cartman: What?! Scuzzlebutt's real?!
Kyle: Oh my God! Look at his leg!
Patrick Duffy: Hi kids, I'm TV's Patrick Duffy.
Jimbo: Quick Ned, shoot it!
Scene Description: Ned aims, but no shot is heard.
Ned: Mmmoh no, out of ammo.
Scuzzlebutt: Grrrr.
Mayor McDaniels: What... is that thing?
Chef: That's Scuzzlebutt.
Mr. Garrison: Yeah, he has Patrick Duffy for a leg, and weaves baskets.
Officer Barbrady: This isn't happening. Everyone look away please. Nothing to see here.
Jimbo: Well boys, I'm sorry I got you all killed.
Scene Description: Scuzzlebutt rips a tree from the ground, bites off a limb...
Kyle: Aaaaah!
Scene Description: ...and molds the tree into a-
Stan: Whoa, he built a wicker basket.
Jimbo: Hey, he's saving us.
Scene Description: Scuzzlebutt puts the group in the basket and lifts them over the trench.
Scuzzlebutt: Grrr.
Liane: Scuzzlebutt saved the day.
Randy: And my calculations worked: the lava is following the trench into the canyon.
Mayor McDaniels: Hmmm. Where exactly does the canyon go?
Randy: Uhh...
Denver citizens: Aaaaah.
Scene Description: South Park. The ordeal is over.
Mr. Garrison: South Park is saved.
Scene Description: Cheers go up.
Kyle: Hey look, Kenny's okay.
Scene Description: Kenny appears on a mound nearby.
Kenny: (Hey guys, what's goin' down?)
Newscaster: And now these humble people can rejoice and celebrate their jovial victory over nature. I'm getting word that the chef of the school cafeteria wants to sing a song about this thrilling struggle of humanity.
Chef: Mmmm Baby every time that we kiss, Hot Lava! Every time that we make love, hot lava, Hot Lava! Lava so hot it makes me sweat, Lava so warm and red and wet, Lava! Brrrrrrrrrrrr.
Newscaster: Mayor, what do you have to say about this wonderful outcome?
Mayor McDaniels: Well, we owe everything to this friendly, yet misunderstood creature. Thank you Scuzzlebutt.
Scuzzlebutt: Friend.
Scene Description: Scuzzlebutt presents flowers to the Mayor.
Mayor McDaniels: Oh, how sweet.
Scene Description: Stan shoots scuzzlebutt.
Stan: I did it, I did it, I finally killed something.
Scene Description: He smiles, proud of himself. Unfortunately, this took place during a live report.
Newscaster: Oh my God! What has he done?
Mayor McDaniels: Turn off the cameras!
Stan: Hey, that was easy!
Patrick Duffy: Noooo! Why God? Why?!
Jimbo: Damn it Stan, you shouldn't have done that!
Stan: What?! Why?!
Kyle: Yeah, make up your mind, dude!
Jimbo: Stan, some things you kill, and some things you don't. See?
Stan: No.
Ned: Moh, only now in this late hour do I see the folly of guns. Mmm, I'll never use a gun again, mmm.
Scene Description: Drops his gun, which fires one last shot as it hits the snow. Kenny is hit.
Kenny: (Oh, no!)
Scene Description: Rats are hot on the trail.
Stan: But I just wanted you to be proud of me, like you were with Kenny.
Jimbo: But Kenny's dead now, Stan, and you're always going to be my nephew. And you can't just kill anything. You understand?
Kyle: Dude, I don't understand hunting at all.
Stan: Yeah, [He drops his gun.] it's stupid. Let's go watch cartoons.
Cartman: Yeah, cartoons kick ass! [All three leave.]