Scene Description: A baseball field in scenic Rocky Mountain territory. Stan is on the pitching mound
Kyle: [infield, right] This is it, Stan. If you strike this kid out, we all get to go home.
Scene Description: Announcer's booth
Local announcer 1: Now batting for Conifer is little Allen Varcas. [Allen gets ready to swing]
Scene Description: The bleachers
Randy: Heeey batterbatterbatterbatter heydn no hit no hit can't hit can't hit can't hit it can't hit it can't hit it.
Mr. Varcas: Hit it out of the park, Allen! South Park sucks!
Roger: Just look at those boys out there, lovin' the great game of baseball like we did when we were kids. [sips]
Scene Description: the field
Kyle: Aw God, I'm so borrred. [Token yawns over at first base]
Butters: I see a ladybug- Hello lady ladybug. [Stan simple stretches out his left arm and catches the ball, then pitches it to Alan. Alan swings and misses]
Umpire: Strike.
Mr. Varcas: That was no strike! What the hell is wrong with you, ref?
Randy: Good call, ref! Good call!
Mr. Varcas: Come on, Allen! This pitcher throws like a girl!
Randy: What'd you say?!
Mr. Varcas: You heard me, asshole!
Randy: You want me to kick your ass right here?! [Mr. Barkas stands and looks at him]
Sharon: Randy, sit down.
Mr. Varcas: You want a piece of me?! 'Cause I'm pretty sick of your Goddamned mouth!
Randy: [takes off his shirt and throws it aside and challengers] Whattaya wanna do, huh? Whattaya wanna do?
Sharon: Randy, don't!
Mr. Varcas: You'd better shut up, asshole!
Randy: I'm standin' right here! How do you wanna handle it?
Mr. Varcas: I told you to SHUT UP! [throws his beer at Randy. Randy takes his beer and throws it at Mr. Barkas. They start fighting back and forth. Stan looks on from the pitcher's mound]
Stan: [turns away and hides his face in his right hand] Aw Jesus, not again.
Kyle: Come on, Stan! Just strike this kid out so we can end the season! [Stan puts on his game face and throws the pitch. Alan swings and misses]
Umpire: Strike three! You're out!
Stan: Yes! It's over! It's over!
Local announcer 1: That's it. South Park wins the game 4 to 0.
Cartman: [runs to the mound] We're done! No more baseball!
Kyle: No more boring baseball until next year!
Stan: We can start having fun again! [falls to the ground and rolls around]
Cartman: All right, we did it! [the rest of the team shows up and celebrates]
Stan: We did it! We did it!
Steven: [as the coach, arrives] Yeah, we did it, boys! We did it! We're going to the finals! Woohoo! [the boys stop cheering and look at him]
Stan: ... What?
Steven: Well we won! That means we've got the best record in the division! [the parents rush onto the field]
Gerald: Congratulations, boys! You're goin' on to the post-season. Woohoo!
Cartman: Post-season?
Kyle: Nobody said anything about a post-season.
Tom: [Craig's Dad] There's more little-league baseball for South Park! Yehheah! [the adults begin celebrating while the kids are dumb-struck]
Stan: No... NOOO!!
Scene Description: Outside, after the game. Randy is hauled off to a waiting Conifer patrol car, drunk and tattered. His pants are down to his ankles
Randy: This is for what?! Arresting me for what?! I'm not allowed to stand up for myself?! I thought this was America! Huh?! Isn't this America?! I'm sorry, I thought this was America! [he's put into the back seat]
Scene Description: Whistlin' Willy's, night. The boys are gathered there for a pizza dinner
Kyle: I can't believe it. I can't believe we have to keep on playing.
Cartman: Nobody told us if we win too many games we'd go on to the finals!
Stan: Look, you guys, maybe it's not all that bad.
Craig: Not all that bad? How could you say that?! You hate this game more than any of us!
Stan: I know, but listen: the finals are all sudden-death elimination, right? That means as soon as we lose one game, our season is over.
Butters: Well yeah, but... we usually win.
Craig: All the other teams are worse than us.
Jimmy: Yeah. Let's face it, we're winners.
Stan: I know we can lose if we try.
Kyle: You mean, throw the game? You know how our parents are about this sport.
Butters: Yeah. My dad always said "It's Okay to lose, but if you don't try, wuh you're grounded, Mister."
The other boys: Yeah, uh huh.
Stan: Okay, so then we'll just tell the other team quietly that we're gonna let them win, and then we'll act like we're trying. Our parents will never know.
Butters: We'd better hope they never know, or else there's gonna be heck to pay. Heck, I tell ya!
Scene Description: At the entrance of Whistlin' Willy's, the adults are gathered, relaxing
Gerald: Boy, that was great, wasn't it?!
Roger: Yeah, our boys really stuck it to 'em! [the doors open and Randy walks in]
Randy: Heeey!
Men: Heeey!
Steven: You're out. [hands Randy a beer]
Gerald: How much was bail this time? [hands Randy a beer]
Stan: Hundred bucks, no big whoop.
Richard: Boy, you really beat the crap out of that Conifer dad.
Randy: Well somebody had to put that knucklehead in his place.
Steven: Yeah, well, you'd better watch yourself in the playoffs.
Randy: Wha-what do you mean?
Steven: I mean, you always get in a fight with scrappy redneck dats up here in the mountains, but some of those Division Two dads are tough!
Gerald: Yeah, those dads get REALLY drunk and obnoxious.
Randy: I can fight anybody. I just need to train. I just need to get in the best shape of my life.
Scene Description: The master bedroom at the Marsh house. The alarm clock clicks 7:30 and the radio comes on
DJ: ...the Beatles in the White Album in Helter Skelter. Okay- [Randy clicks the radio off]
Scene Description: Randy rises from the bed and sits up, leaves the bed and shrugs, and wipes his nose a bit. He enters the kitchen, gets a glass, then goes to the refrigerator. He gets three eggs, cracks them open on the rim of the glass, and pours them into the glass. He picks up the glass and moves off a bit, then pours the eggs into a hot pan and scrambles them. He then picks up a beer, drinks, burps, and farts
Scene Description: Fort Collins baseball field, night
FC announcer: We want to welcome all South Park parents to Fort Collins, and the Little League Division One Playoffs. [applause all around as the teams meet on the field]
Stan: Uhh, hay guys, look, we don't wanna win, so uh, [pulls out a yellow sheet of paper] here's a list of all the pitches I'm gonna throw, in order.
FC team: Ooooo!
FC fat player: I don't think so, South Park
FC pitcher: Yeah, you think we wanna win? Then we have to keep playing this boring game!
FC team: Yeah!
Kyle: You hate this game too?
FC batter: Yeah! And then we won the stupid regionals and had to do this lousy-ass tournament!
FC catcher: We wanna play video games.
Butters: Oh no!
Stan: Look! We're gonna be the losers tonight, all right?!
FC pitcher: I don't think so! There's no way you can lose to us! We're going doowwn! We're gonna get creeaamed!
Kyle: No, we're gonna get creamed!
FC batter: We'll just see about that!
SP team: Oh yeah?
FC team: Yeah!
Randy: Oh boy, they're really gettin' into each other's heads out there. [standa and claps] Yeah! Let's go, South Park! These Fort Collins kids got nothin'! Wooo!
Mr. Pratt: [claps] Come on, Fort Collins! Let 'em have it! Yeah!
Randy: [nudges Sharon] Guess that's my guy. I can take him, no problem. [drinks. On the field, Fort Collins is up at bat]
Cartman: All right, hit one out of the park!
FC announcer: And first up for Fort Collins is... Morgan Pratt.
Randy: Heeey batterbatterbatterbatter batteruuuuuuuupp batterbatterbatterbatter!
Mr. Pratt: Knock it out of the park, Morgan! Cream these turds! [Morgan gets ready to swing, Stan sends his pitch and Cartman catches. Morgan does not swing]
Umpire: Steerike!
Randy: Yeah!
FC team: Yeah, all right!
Stan: Damnit!
Cartman: [sends the ball back to Stan] Come on, kid, you gotta at least swing at it.
Morgan: No way! I'm striking out!
Kyle: Dude, he's not gonna swing! So just throw balls. That way he'll have to walk to first base. [Stan thinks, then throws the pitch. It goes wide and Cartman catches it]
Umpire: Ball!
Cartman: All right! [throws it back to Stan]
FC pitcher: Morgan!
Morgan: [looks over] What?
FC pitcher: You have to swing when it's a ball, otherwise, you're gonna walk to first base. Don't swing, only if it's a strike!
Morgan: [faces the dugout] Well how the Sam Hell am I supposed to know if he's gonna be throwing a strike or a ball?!
FC pitcher: You just have to guess.
Morgan: Aw, Jesus! [turns around and goes back to bat. Stan looks to Cartman for cues]
Cartman: Ball. Balll. [Stan pitches right down the middle]
Umpire: Steerike two!
Stan: No!
Cartman: That was no strike, that was a terrible pitch! You need some Goddamned lasik surgery!
Randy: Attaway, South Park! They ain't swingin' at nothin'!
Mr. Pratt: Come on Fort Collins! This team can't pitch! [Stan pitches, Morgan hits] There you go, Morgan! Run run run!
Morgan: Aw damnit! [heads to first base]
FC pitcher: Why the hell did you swing at it?!
Morgan: Well I thought he was gonna throw a ball that time! [Fort Collins is ahead 1-0. Another FC batter comes up...]
Umpire: Strike three! You're out!
FC batter 1: All right!
Scene Description: Later. Fort Collins is pitching; The pitch is wide as Cartman waits at bat
Umpire: Ball four!
Cartman: What?!
Randy: Walk to first! Woo!
Cartman: [throws his bat down and walks] Aw Goddamnit! [as Cartman walks to first, anotherr SP runner walks home]
Umpire: Safe!
Kyle: Crud! [the scorekeeper updates the board]
Randy: Fort Collins can't play!
Mr. Pratt: Why don't you shut your mouth before I kick your ass!
Randy: [gets up and takes off his shirt] Come on, let's go! I'm right here!
Sharon: Randy...
Mr. Pratt: Sit down before you get hurt! [Randy throws his beer at him] Mother bitch! [the two men begin fighting on the bleachers]
Stan: [sees, turns away and hides his face in his right hand] Goddamnit... [the men have taken the fight to the field and are next to a trashcan. Stan pitches and the FC batter fails to swing]
Umpire: Strike three! [The South Park adults stand up and cheer. The next scenes go into time-lapse: more runs are added until the final score is reached: 4 - 3]
FC announcer: That's it. South Park wins the game. [the Fort Collins team cheers]
Stan: Aw spit! [throws his mitt down on the mound. His father is arrested again with his pants around his ankles and hauled towards a waiting patrol car]
Randy: [slurred] Oh I'm sorry! Why don'tcha get 'im on chars in America, I'm sorry!
Scene Description: Greeley, CO, day, Greeley Field, home of the Tigers. Stan pitches, the Greeley batter chases a pitch
Umpire: Strike three. You're out.
Greeley batter: [leaves] Yeah!
Greeley team: All right! Yeah! Woohoo!
Greeley man: Goddamnit Brian, swing!
Randy: Greeley sucks! Greeley sucks!
Scene Description: South Park is up. Its batter sees a ball and doesn't swing
Umpire: Ball four!
Butters: Aw hamburgers. [throws his bat aside]
SP team: God! [Randy takes off his shirt, challenges, and the two men begin to fight]
Scene Description: on the field. The Greeley batter doesn't swing
Umpire: Strike three!
Cartman: How the hell was that a strike?! [starts kicking dirt on the umpire] Goddamnit, he's going to first!
Scene Description: After the game. Randy is hauled off a third time
Randy: What, is this a Communist country or something?! I thought this was America!
Scene Description: Pueblo, CO. day. A Pueblo batter swings and misses
Umpire: ¡Strrrrike tres!
Pueblo team: Bueno bueno! Bueno! Espectacular!
Pueblo dad: ¡Vamonos Pueblo! ¡Viva la Pueblo!
Randy: [using a Spanish textbook for assistance] ¡Pueblo, no bueno! ¡Pueblo es muy mal! [a pitch is sent to an SP batter, who doesn't swing]
Umpire: ¡Ball cuatro, por favor! [the scoreboard is updated, Randy fights with the Pueblo dad and is hauled off a fourth time]
Randy: This is America! This is an honest America!
Scene Description: Whistlin' Willy's. The team is at table again, but with a trophy they didn't want. The adults begin to approach them
Steven: Can you believe it, boys?! We're playing in the State Championship Game! [the adults cheer]
Gerald: We're so proud of you kids!
Cartman: What happens if we win the State Championship game?
Steven: Well, then your whole season starts over, but on the national circuit! You get to spend your whole summer playing baseball!
Kyle: What?
Mr. Donovan: You could do it, kids! We know you can win State!
Steven: Then we'll spend the whole summer going to Nebraska, and to Iowa, and Wyoming.
Stan: Oh no. No, no, no!
Scene Description: Outside the restaurant, day. Randy stands by the curb looking into space. He has a black eye. The doors open and Stan walks out
Stan: Dad? Dad, we need to talk.
Randy: [doesn't move] Can you believe it, Stan? State Championship game. It's... the greatest thing ever.
Stan: [sighs] Goddamnit. [goes back into the restaurant]
Randy: I've worked hard, believed in myself, and now I'm gonna be fighting in a State Championship game. [smiles] This is gonna be the biggest fight of my life.
Scene Description: South Park News
Announcer: This is News 4, at noon.
Scene Description: Coors Field, in Denver
Anchor Tom: The Colorado Little League State Championship is being played this week. Two teams of youngsters get to go head to head at the major-league stadium downtown.
Reporter: Tom, I'm standing here with the little sluggers and some of their parents, and I can't tell you how excited they are.
Stan: I don't suppose you guys want to win this game.
Denver player: Win? Why the hell would we want to win?
Denver player 2: Yeah. Then we'd have to play this boring game all summer.
Reporter: [draws closer to the teams] Little Stan Marsh is the pitcher for the South Park Little League team, and Stan, how does it feel to be playing for the State Championship?
Stan: Gay.
Reporter: Mr. Marsh, you must be very proud of your son.
Randy: They've worked really hard to get here, Chris, and, you know, I don't like to really "trash-talk," but, I don't think Denver has a chance.
Reporter Chris: Oho, well, I'm sure some of the Denver kids' parents would disagree with you and your team-
Bat dad: [blue headdress and cape, pops in] Oh yeah! Oh yeah! [leaps closer to the camera] South Park is goin' down! Feel it comin'! [humps back to Randy] You ain't got a chance, South Park! Here we go, Denver, here we go! Huh, huh!
Sheila: Who's that?
A woman: That's Tom Nelson, one of the Denver players' fathers. He goes to every game in that ridiculous outfit and usually drinks too much and gets into a fight.
Tom Nelson: There ain't no way some little mountain kids can beat Denver. Not with my son on second base!
Reporter Chris: Oho, looks like we got some parental trash talking going on here. Mr. Marsh, any comments?
Randy: Well I think that there's a uh...
Tom Nelson: Mr. Marsh? Who wants to hear from a Mr. Marsh?! Iii am the ultimate Little League trash-talking father! Iii am the Bat Dad!
Denver cop: [one of two come to take him away] All right, Mr. Nelson, let's go, come on.
Tom Nelson: Bat Dad knows no fear! Bat Dad knows no pain! I want you, Marsh! I want you!!
Reporter Chris: Well, tension is certainly high here, but I guess everything will be decided on the playing field.
Randy: [realizing he could end up like that] Oh my God.
Denver player 3: Good luck! You're gonna need it.
Denver player 4: Yeah, you can't lose to us. We're terrible. [the Denver team leaves, as do all the adults]
Kyle: Dude, what are we gonna do? We can't win this game.
Cartman: Wiat. I've got it, you guys. A fifth point in a sports movie, the team always goes out and finds a really sweet player to join their team.
Clyde: Like that motorcycle kid in Bad News Bears.
Cartman: Exactly right, Clyde. So what we need... is to find somebody to join our team, who totally sucks ass.
Stan: Hey yeah. We need to find the very worst kid athlete in the whole world. Somebody who can't possibly win.
Craig: But who?
Kyle: I know who.
Scene Description: The airport, day
Announcer: Announcing the arrival of flight six seven three, from New York City. [among the people leaving the airport is Kyle's cousin, Kyle]
Kyle Schwartz: I'm baaack!
Kyle: There he is! Now, don't let him know we think he's a loser, or else he won't play. [the team goes up to greet him]
Kyle Schwartz: Hello, cousin Kyle. Oh Jesus, that flight was terrible. They served a chicken dish with hot sauce and it gave me gas.
Kyle: Dude, thanks for helping us out by joining our team.
Kyle Schwartz: Well, you said you needed my help to win the big game, so here I am. I'll need a wipe cloth if I'm gonna play, though. Sometimes I sweat from holding the bat for so long and then the heat steams up my glasses.
Craig: He's perfect.
Stan: Yeah, with him on our team, we don't stand a chance.
Scene Description: Coors Field. No one is in there except Randy, who walks along the stands looking around. He sees a sign that sais "Colorado Little League State Championship." He moves along. Next, he's at a beach far from Colorado looking at the sunset. He sneaks back into his bedroom as Sharon sleeps, closes the door softly, and sits on the side of the bed.
Randy: [softly] ...I'm not gonna go. [Sharon's eyes opem, and she rises a bit]
Sharon: What?
Randy: Stan's little league game, I'm... I'm not gonna go.
Sharon: Why?
Randy: I just... don't think I can, all right?
Sharon: You don't think you can?! This is the biggest game of your son's life! Why wouldn't you go and support him? What-? [Randy rises and faces her]
Randy: Because I'm scared, all right?! [Sharon stays quiet] You wanna break me down?! You wanna hear me say it?! I'm scared! I don't know if I believe in myself anymore. [turns away and bows his head] I don't know if I can take this guy, Sharon.
Sharon: So then, don't. You don't have to get in fights with other parents at Little League games! Just sit there and watch!
Randy: Look, I get what you're trying to do. You're trying to get me to realize that I have to fight him because it's who I am.
Sharon: No, I'm telling you you don't have to get thrown out of games and make an ass of yourself.
Randy: I've lost the edge. I'm sorry, Sharon. But you have to take Stan to his Little League game alone. [walks off]
Scene Description: Coors Field, day
Announcer: Welcome to the Colorado Little League State Championship Game! [the crowd cheers] This must be pretty exciting for these youngsters. A chance to go to the national circuit. [the teams meet at the pitcher's mound]
Denver pitcher: You know what these guys look like to me? A bunch of winners!
Denver catcher: Yeah! We're about to get our asses kicked!
Cartman: I don't think so! You guys are way too good! You're the best at this game!
Denver pitcher: You're the best!
Kyle: You guys are so good you'll probably go all the way to win the national title!
Denver pitcher: Not a chance, 'cause we're gonna lose to you right now!
Bat Dad: Here we go, Denver! These South Park kids got nothin' on you! Let's go, Denver!
Woman: Chris, will you sit down?
Announcer: [in the Press Box] First up to bat for South Park, Kyle Schwartz. [Kyle 1 comes up to bat]
Kyle Schwartz: [stands on home plate] Where do I stand?
Umpire: R-right over here. [Kyle 1 looks, then goes to one side of the plate with his back to the pitcher. The umpire positions him properly]
Kyle Schwartz: Don't throw the ball too fast, because I might get startled and I have asthma. [The pitcher throws the ball. Kyle 1 pulls his bat back]
Umpire: Strike 1!
SP team: Yeah! All right!
Kyle Schwartz: Jesus, not so close! That was three feet from hitting me in the head!
Second baseman: He's not gonna swing! Throw balls!
Kyle Schwartz: [swings and misses] Oh Jesus!
Umpire: Strike 2!
SP team: Yeah!
Stan: Wow, he IS great at sucking.
Cartman: [happily] We're gonna lose! We're gonna lose!
Kyle Schwartz: Don't throw it so hard or so close next time! Is it cold out here? I think I need a jacket. [The pitcher squints and focuses on the bat, which says "Barry Bonds" on it. The pitcher throws the ball and hits the bat, which falls out of Kyle Schwartz's hands]
Umpire: It's a bunt!
Roger: Run kid, run!
Kyle Schwartz: Oh Jesus! [runs towards first base]
Kyle: Aw crap! [Stan drops. Kyle 1 goes towards second and no one is stopping him. He passes it]
Kyle Schwartz: [out of breath] I can't, I can't keep running like this! I have corns in my feet!
Steven: Keep running, kid! [one of the SP players has his face buried in his right hand]
Bat Dad: Throw the ball to third, you idiots! He's runnin' home! [Kyle 1 heads towards home and passes that]
Umpire: Safe! [the crowd cheers and the scoreboard displays him and "HOMERUN!!!!" underneath. Smaller screens on the board display fireworks]
Kyle Schwartz: Oh Jesus, did you see that? I hit a homerun! High-five, everybody! [nobody high-fives him]
Kyle: Oh my God... their pitcher was able to hit him right on the bat.
Stan: Dude, we had it all wrong. While we spent all our time trying to make our team suck, these guys practiced and got really good at sucking. [next pitch: the ball hits the bat again, and the SP runner has to go to first, as it's a bunt. Token goes up. The pitch hits the bat at the top - another bunt]
Token: No!
Mr. Williams: Yeeaahh! Go Token go!
Scene Description: Denver is up to bat
Bat Dad: All right, Denver! You're up to bat now! [Butters is waving his hand for some reason, and the Danver batter squints and focuses on Butters' glove. Stan pitches, the batter hits, and Butters catches the ball. He's dismayed to find it in his glove.]
Umpire: Out!
Denver team: Yaaay!
Kyle: Jesus Christ! They can bat themselves out! [the scoreboard is updated in time-lapse: Denver doesn't have a run on there.] Our whole summer, dude. We have to play this boring game all summer long.
Butters: [frustrated, takes his cap off and throws it on the ground] Son of a biscuit!
Scene Description: Coors field, later
Announcer: It's the bottom of the last inning here at Coors Field; the score is South Park 23, Denver 0. [a tired Stan pitches right down the middle and the Denver player doesn't move]
Umpire: Strike 1!
Bat Dad: Come on, Denver! Get the lead out! Do not cross the Bat Daaad!
Gerald: Geez I really wish this guy would shut up.
Bat Dad: Why don't you just go home, South Park? You can't beat Denver!
A voice: Denver sucks ass! [Bat Dad looks over. Randy has arrived with a tray of five beers. He's ready to rumble. He sits three rows behind Bat Dad, next to Sharon] Come on, South Park! These kids can't play! In fact, these kids are terrible! [Stan pitches, the batter swings after Cartman catches the ball]
Umpire: Strike 2!
Kyle Schwartz: Oh Jesus, we're gonna win! I I never won a sport before; this is so exciting.
Randy: It's over, Denver! South Park whupped your ass!
Bat Dad: You'd better shut your mouth before I shut it for you!
Randy: [stands up, takes off his shirt, and challenges] What do you wanna do, huh? [Bat Dad climbs over the seats and he and Randy begin to fight, taking it to the aisle]
Stan: [sees, turns away and hides his face in his right hand] This can't get any worse. [the two men continue fighting at the bottom of the level and towards the foul pole. Bat Dad picks Randy up and throws him over the railing. Randy bounces off a bench, breaking it in two.]
Bat Dad: [stands on the railing and spreads his cape wide open] Now for the finishing move! You're about to be Bat-Dadded! [jumps off, but misses Randy entirely. They end up in the bullpen.]
Commentator: It all comes down to this! South Park is just one pitch away from being State Champions. [Bat Dad delivers blow after blow and has Randy on the run] Oh geez, it looks like two parents are fighting. They'd better be careful. The Little League has a no-tolerance policy.
Umpire: [comes out of home plate towards the men] Stop! Stop, or you're gonna get your teams disqualified!
Stan: [comes off the mound and stands next to Kyle] Disqualified? [looks at Kyle for a few seconds] Fight! Keep fighting! [the fighting continues, and two more umpires enter the picture]
Umpire 2: Break it up! Break it up! [the fighting continues. Bat Dad delivers a blow, shown in slow motion. It connects, and Randy falls backwards to the ground] That's enough! The next person that fights is getting his team disqualified!
Bat Dad: He's done for anyway. [walks off. Randy rises, slowly]
Stan: Come on, Dad! Get up!
Kyle: Get up! You have to fight! [Randy is trying]
Umpire 2: All right, come on! Let's play ball!
SP team: Randy! Randy! Randy!
Mickey: Get up, Randy! Get up, ya bum!
Sharon: Get up, Randy! Fight! Fight for me!
Crowd: Randy! Randy! Randy! Randy! Randy! Randy! Randy! Randy! Randy!
Randy: [now standing] Hey Bat Dad! [Bat Dad turns around] I didn't hear no bell.
SP team: Yeah! [Randy goes on the attack, delivering blow after blow. The umpire and guard return]
Umpire 2: Stop, stop right now! [Randy continues the assault] I'm warning you, sir! [Randy begins singing in falsetto, then knocks Bat Dad to the ground with one final blow.] That's it! That's it! South Park is disqualified!
SP team: Yeah!
SP adults: Aww!
Commentator: South Park has been disqualified from the game! Denver wins! [The South Park team goes over to Randy, take off their hats, and celebrate their defeat. The Denver players are dismayed at this turn of events and throw down their caps. Two Denver officers come in to get Randy]
Kyle Schwartz: We... We lost?
Randy: [now arrested and turned around] What? I thought this was a free country! [now being escorted out of the Field]
Stan: Dad! [the guards let go and Randy turns around] You're the greatest. [Randy leaps for joy!]


Scene Description: Stan's house, night. The boys are in the kitchen sitting at the breakfast table anticipating something. Next to Kenny is a stack of plates
Stan: [impatiently tapping the table] Dude, where is she? We can't wait.
Kyle: God, this is gonna be sooo yummy.
Cartman: Stan, you said your mom was bringing Kentucky Fried Chicken home for dinner! Now is she or isn't she?! [Sharon arrives]
Sharon: Hi boys.
Stan: Mom!
Kyle: She's here!
Cartman: She's got Colonel!
Kyle: I want some!
Cartman: Oh boy!
Stan: [twirling around] I want a breast!
Cartman: Some extra-crispy thighs, extra crispy?
Sharon: Uuh uh uh, not so fast. You boys can help bring in the other groceries in the car, then have your chicken.
The boys: Awww!
Stan: But Mom, we've been waiting for hours!
Sharon: It won't take a minute.
Cartman: Come on guys. If we all help out, we can do it super-fast.
Stan: All right.
Kyle: [firmly] Let's go. Oh my God, that smells good. [Cartman stays behind and quickly sits back down. As the other boys head out of the kitchen, Cartman rips the skins off the chicken pieces and wolfs them down. Sharon and the other boys return with the groceries.]
Stan: Okay, this is everything, mom. [the boys return to their seats]
Kyle: All right, let's eat Colonel! [Cartman leaves as the others sit]
Stan: Oh, boy! [they see the denuded chicken pieces. Stan looks at Cartman in anger] Cartman, you ate the skin off of EVERY PIECE OF CHICKEN!
Cartman: [turns around] Well, I saved you all the chicken part. [quiet burp]
Kyle: The skin's the best part...
Cartman: [puts on his jacket] Well, I gotta go home, guys. I'm gonna sit on the toilet and read comic books. See you at the bus stop tomorrow. [he leaves the kitchen. The boys are puzzled as to what to do about it. Burying his head in his arms, Kenny sobs]
Scene Description: The next morning the boys are waiting at the bus stop, still angry because Cartman ate the chicken skin last night. Cartman hasn't arrived
Stan: I can't believe that fat asshole!
Kyle: You can't believe it?? He does this shit all the time!
Stan: Well this time he's gone too far!
Kenny: (Yeah, fuck him!)
Stan: Why do we even hang out with him, anyway?
Kyle: Hello?? I've been saying this for years!
Stan: Well it's not like we're nice to him. I mean, we rip on him all the time!
Kyle: Yes, but he thrives on that.
Stan: All right. Then let's just ignore him. From now on, let's not talk to him, let's not even acknowledge him.
Kenny: (Fuck yeah!)
Kyle: That sounds great!
Cartman: [arriving] Hey fags, what's going on? [no one says a word] Dude, I was on the toilet all night from that chicken. I thought I was gonna die. [silence]
Kyle: Do any of you guys have milk money I can borrow?
Stan: I think I have extra.
Cartman: Oh wow, a Jew asking for money! There's a new one. [Stan fishes around for some money in his pockets, walks over a bit, and gives it to Kyle] Yuh, you guys know why Jews have glassy eyes?
Stan: Here you go.
Kyle: Thanks. [Stan returns to his post next to Kenny]
Cartman: Dude, Stan, yuh you know why Jews have glassy eyes? Like Kyle? [neither of them says a thing] Eh. K-Kenny, you see that chick on the news that had her left titty cut off? [chuckles. Kenny scratches his right side a bit] Kenny? Kenny?? [the bus pulls up and opens the door. The boys head inside. Stan enters first] Stan? Stan, it's me, Eric! [Kenny enters next] Eh... Kenny. Kenny, you want fifty cents? [Kyle enters last] Dude, look at me, Kyle, I'm right here! [Seeing no reaction, Cartman is stunned. The door closes and the bus pulls away] Wha...? How did...? Like they couldn't see or hear me. It's almost as if I were... [close-up] dead. [dramatic music] No. No, I can't be dead. [runs off] I can't be dead!!
Scene Description: The Cartman house, later. A plumber has come to visit, and he's in the living room talking to Mrs. Cartman. Two other plumbers are carrying away a box
Black plumber: All right, ma'am. We've got your new toilet installed and we'll haul away the old one away for ya.
Liane: Oh, you've been so helpful, I uh, just don't know how to thank you.
Black plumber: Hunh, I could think of a few ways, hunh.
Liane: Ohoho, nhn.
Scene Description: Cartman runs back home, but he stops in his tracks before he reaches the front door. He sees the two men carrying the box away and he fears the worst
Cartman: No! No!!
Fat plumber: What happened? Did they say?
Thin plumber: Apparently there was so much chicken skin in the system it just ruptured the insides.
Fat plumber: Aww, that's tragic.
Cartman: Oh my God, this can't be happening! [he then hears his mother wailing softly, then louder] Mom? Mom's crying? Oh God, it is true! [he gets closer to her window. Inside his mother's room, on her bed, the black plumber is pounding Liane from behind, but the bed's noise does not reach Cartman's ears. Cartman turns, wailing.] Oh, it's not fair! [falls to his knees and cries out] Why??? Why??? [cries some more. Liane cries out some more as well]
Scene Description: The playground, recess
Jimmy: Hey fellas, w-where is Cartman? [Kyle catches a football]
Stan: Cartman isn't our friend anymore. [throws the football back]
Kyle: We're ignoring him.
Token: Ignoring him? How come?
Kyle: Because he's a fat racist self-centered intolerant manipulating sociopath!
Token: Oh yeah.
Craig: Hey, I hate Cartman too. Can I ignore him with you?
Blond: Yeah.
Kevin: Me too.
Other boys: Yeah, screw him! Yeah.
Clyde: I never realized ignoring him was an option.
Cartman: [arriving] Guys! Guys? [the two teams are seen: On screen left are Jimmy, Token, Stan, Kyle, and Kenny. On screen right are Timmy, Craig, Clyde, Kevin, and the blond boy. The teams toss the football at each other] Can anybody hear me? You guys?? [approaches Token] Token, Token, I'm here! [leaves] Hello! Hello! Hello! [approaches Clyde] Clyde, can't you feel me? [moves him around, but no reaction from Clyde] Feel me, Clyde! [moves on to Jimmy] Jimmy! Jimmy, it's me, Eric! [blows on Jimmy] Jimmy! [puff] Can't you feel your hair move?! That's me! [turns away] They don't even know yet, that one of their best friends is dead. [begins to tear up] Dead and... still wandering the earth a lost soul.
Scene Description: Downtown, later. He wanders the streets of the town crying, and no one turns to see what's wrong, until...]''
Woman: What is that kid doing?
Man: Ah I don't know, just ignore him.
Scene Description: A blazing sunset over a bridge. Cartman's cries have gotten deeper, more emotional
Scene Description: Night time, under a full moon, Cartman walks past a farm house. Nearby are a scarecrow and a few pumpkins
Scene Description: Next day, Butter's house. He's shoveling snow off the sidewalk to the front door
Butters: Lu lu lu, I've got some apples. Lu lu lu, you've got some too-
Cartman: [walking by, lamenting his fate] What did I do to deserve this?! [Butters pays attention] How can my own God forsake me?! Am I doomed to wander the Earth alone for all eternity?!
Butters: Hey Eric! [goes back to shoveling snow. Cartman stops in his tracks]
Cartman: ...What did you say?
Butters: Huh I just said, "Hey Eric!"
Cartman: Butters... [runs back to Butters] Butters! You can see me??
Butters: Well, sure I can see you.
Cartman: Oh my God, and you can hear me??
Butters: [giggles] Well, jeez Eric, why wouldn't I be able to hear you?
Cartman: Because, Butters, I'm... dead. [a few moments of silence]
Butters: [screams and drops his shovel and runs off, hiding behind the family car. Cartman follows him]
Cartman: Butters! Butters, I just want to talk to you!
Butters: You died?? How??
Cartman: I ate a bunch of chicken skin and it blew out my insides.
Butters: But if you're d-dead, how come I can see you?
Cartman: I don't know, but you're the only one who can.
Butters: HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! [runs toward the front door, opens it and runs inside, slamming it shut]
Cartman: Butters! [tries to open the door, then pounds on it furiously] Butters, Goddamnit, I need your help!
Scene Description: The Stotch kitchen. Linda is cleaning the sink and humming to herself. She reaches down below the sink and opens the doors. Butters is hiding there.
Linda: Butters, what on earth are you doing??
Butters: Well I think... I'm like the kid in that movie! I-I'm seeing dead people!
Linda: Dead people?
Stephen: Who's seeing dead people?
Butters: Me! I saw a ghost!
Stephen: Now, Butters, there's no such thing as ghosts.
Butters: But I saw him! Just as plain as I'm seein' you right now!
Stephen: Butters, these things happen all the time. You've got a very active little brain and your mind was just playing tricks on you.
Butters: Ruh, really?
Stephen: Yeess.
Butters: So... so it was just... it was... just my ima... magination then?
Stephen: That's right. There's no reason to be afraid of things that aren't real. There's plenty of real things to be scared of. Like super-AIDS.
Butters: Huh s-s-super-AIDS?
Stephen: That's right. A new form of AIDS which is resistant to drugs. Just one teaspoon of super-AIDS in your butt and you're dead in three years.
Butters: AAAH! [drops his flashlight] Oh Jesus.
Stephen: So now you feel better? Ghosts don't exist and there's nothing to be afraid of. Except the super-AIDS.
Scene Description: Night time at Butters' house. The sky is clear, but lightning bolts come out of nowhere and just as quickly disappear. Butters is in his bed looking out at the stormy sky and can't get to sleep.
Butters: Nuh-nothing to be scared of. Jus, just some lightning and thunder. [closes his eyes, but a thunderclap opens his eyes wide] Gah! Wasn't nothin' neither. J-just a mouse. [he looks out the window again. Cartman is seen standing by the bedroom door]
Cartman: Butters...
Butters: [points] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! [turns away and ducks under his covers]
Cartman: Butters, you have to help me!
Butters: Go away! You aren't real!
Cartman: All right, Butters, you leave me no choice. [pulls out a chain, rattles it, and utters ghostly sounds]
Butters: [panics, screaming] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! [Cartman leaves the bedside and hides. Butters' door opens and his parents walk in]
Stephen: Butters, what is going on?!
Butters: Well I saw... [points to... nothing] Well he was... [sees there's nothing to prove] Nothin' I-I just had a nightmare.
Stephen: Well you'd better stop having nightmares or else you're gonna be grounded!
Butters: Y yes, yes sir. [they leave, but Stephen takes one last quick look around, then closes the door. Butters mumbles a few things, then tries to sleep]
Cartman: [suddenly on the bed] Butters.
Butters: AH- [quickly muffles his mouth so his parents don't hear]
Cartman: Butters, Goddamnit, I'm not in your imagination! I'm dead and for some reason you can see me!
Butters: But I don't want to see you!
Cartman: Get a hold of yourself! I'm the one who died! And for some reason, my spirit is trapped here on Earth. I can't find the passage to Heaven.
Butters: Well... how do you know you're supposed to go to Heaven?
Cartman: What do you mean?
Butters: Well... how do you know you're not supposed to go to... you know... Heck.
Cartman: I'm not going to Heck, Butters! I'm not black, all right?!
Butters: Oh.
Cartman: Now look: I thnk the reason my soul is still here is because I need closure with all my friends and loved one. I can say my final goodbyes to them through you.
Butters: I can't. Ahah, I have school tomorrow.
Cartman: This is your problem, Butters! Either you help me, or I will haunt you for the rest of your life! [brings out the chain, rattles it, and makes ghostly noises with his voice]
Butters: Helll- Uh all right. All right, I'll help you!
Scene Description: Dawn at Cartman's Residence, the next day. Butters and Cartman approach Cartman's house. Liane is in the kitchen using a cookie cutter to cut out heart-shaped cookies. Butters and Cartman enter the kitchen. Cartman is sobbing into a small towel.
Butters: Mrs. Cartman?
Liane: Yes? [turns around] Oh hi.
Butters: This is going to seem very strange and, and you may not believe me, but, well, your son wanted me to tell you something.
Liane: Oh, what is it?
Cartman: [emotional] Tell her, tell her that I love her.
Butters: He says, he love you. [Cartman sobs]
Liane: [moved] Oh, that's so nice.
Cartman: [emotional] Tell her, tell her that I wish... I wish I would have been a better son sometimes!
Butters: He wishes he would have been a better son sometimes.
Cartman: [emotional] It's just that, it's just that I got so caught up with the rat race of life tryin' to succeed that I... sometimes... took my family for granted!
Butters: He he got caught, he got caught up in the rat race of, of taking things for granted.
Liane: Oh, that's so sweet. [teary-eyed] Oh, I love you too, poopiekins! [sobs. Cartman sobs too, and then Butters sobs in sympathy]
Scene Description: The Broflovski house. Butters and Cartman approach it first and ring the bell. Kyle comes to answer it
Butters: Kyle, Eric wants you to know that he's, he's sorry for all the times he made fun of you being a no-good stinking Jew. [Cartman sobs. Kyle looks, then gets annoyed] He's asking for your forgiveness. And and he wants you to just remember the good times.
Cartman: Just the good times.
Kyle: There were no good times! And if he really feels bad he can just tell me himself!
Cartman: I can't! Don't you understand?!
Butters: He can't! Don't you understand?!
Cartman: God forgave the Jews, you should be able to forgive me!
Butters: God forgave the Jews, you should be able to forgive him!
Cartman: [whips out a notepad] All right, come on, Butters, we gotta go tell Token I'm sorry for rippin' on him for bein' black. [turns around and walk off]
Butters: Uhh alright then. [Butters turns to follow, and Kyle is left looking puzzled]
Scene Description: Kyle's living room. Stan and Kenny are playing a board game on the living room floor. Kyle enters and approaches them
Stan: Who was that?
Kyle: It was Cartman having Butters apologize for him.
Stan: Dude, he did that to me this morning.
Kenny: (Me too.)
Kyle: He probably thinks if he apologizes to everyone, we'll think he's changed and let him back into our circle.
Kenny: (That guy would try anything)
Stan: Yeah, we know better than to think that.
Scene Description: Butters and Cartman walk down a sidewalk, with Cartman checking off more names on his notepad.
Cartman: Okay, that takes care of Token, Clyde, and Mr. Kitty. That's everyone, I guess. [turns around] All that leaves is you, Butters. Butters, I'm sorry if I ever did anything to hurt you.
Butters: [shuffles his right foot out of modesty] Aww, that's okay, Eric.
Cartman: [puts away the notepad in his inside jacket pocket.] Well, it's all done. My soul is at peace. I think... I can go now.
Butters: So I won't see you again?
Cartman: Don't be sad, Butters. What awaits each person in heaven is eternal bliss, divine rest, and ten thousand dollars cash.
Butters: Wow.
Cartman: [backs up and waves his hands in front of him as if in a haze] G'bye Butters. I'm goin' to a better place. Perhaps I'll see you again sometime! Good-bye!! [Cartman steps back a bit more, then stops, then is annoyed]
Butters: Yeh you're still here.
Cartman: Goddamnit, what the fuck is going on?
Butters: Well, I guess saying goodbye wasn't enough.
Cartman: What else do I have to do?!
Butters: Well, well, you know, the preacher says that before your soul can be at peace, sometimes, you have to atone for something bad you did.
Cartman: Atone?
Butters: Did you ever do anything really bad?
Cartman: [thinks] Not really...
Scene Description: In Butters' bedroom, later
Cartman: Let's see. Oh, and I broke Mr. Anderson's fence and never told him about it.
Butters: [writing] Broke fence...
Cartman: I took a crap in the principal's purse... seven times. Then there was the time I convinced a woman to have an abortion so I could build my own Shakey's Pizza. I pretended to be retarded and joined the Special Olympics. I tried to have all the Jew exterminated last spring. Uhh, oh yeah, and there's this one kid whose parents I had killed and then made into chili which I fed to the kid.
Butters: Boy oh boy, Eric, you've got a lot to atone for.
Cartman: Really?
Butters: Really. I mean, honestly, I don't know how you're gonna make up for all this.
Cartman: I know how.
Scene Description: Moments later Cartman's hands are shown placing fruits inside a basket, a pair of scissors cutting away at a thick transparent plastic sheet, then the whole basket sealed with a bow. He and Butters grin at the accomplishment. Behind them are some more baskets ready to go. The first basket goes to Principal Victoria. The second goes to Ms. Claridge. The third goes to the rabbi at the synagogue. The congregation there is surprised. The fourth goes to Scott Tenorman, who's sobbing at his parents' graves. Butters and Cartman walk to their next destination with another basket as Stan, Kyle, and Kenny look on from across the street. They deliver that basket to the abortion clinic. He records the song below, with Butters and a recording engineer in the booth. Next, he and Butters are repairing Mr. Anderson's fence. Cartman hammers the new boards in place as Butters removes the damaged boards. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny appear and watch. Kyle angrily rejects what he's seeing and they walk away. Cartman and Butters then go to the Special Olympics stadium and present a basket to the coordinators. They leave a basket at Sally Struthers' door. They're then back in Butters' bedroom and Butters marks off the last atonement.
Eric Cartman: I'm gonna make, make it right. I'm gonna take a little time and set things right. Make, make it right. I'm payin' for my sins and it sure feels great. It feels so good to be making up For all the things I've done wrong. I know now what the Good Lord in Heaven Wanted from me all along. All along, I'm gonna make, make it right. Cause Jesus wants me to have a clean slate. Not faking it, I'm making it right. I'm payin' for my sins and it sure feels great. Make, make it right! Make, make it right! Gonna make it right, girl, I've got to have your lovin' tonight!
Cartman: Well, there's everything, Butters. [stands up and walks off a bit] I've made everything right.
Butters: Does this mean... you have to go now?
Cartman: Yes, Butters, my soul is finally at peace. It's time for me to leave. [waves his hands around again as if in a haze] Goodbye Butters! Thanks for all your help! Be good and be safe. Goodbye... [his back hits the wall under the window, and he looks at his hands] Goddamnit, what?! I've made everything right!
Butters: Oh jeez. I I guess maybe your soul is stuck here for a different reason.
Cartman: I want my eternal bliss! Do you think this is funny, God?! [grabs Butters' bat and begins destroying his room with it. First to go is the lamp on top of the foot locker, then something else, then a picture of Butters sitting on a tree stump, then the television, then the television stand, ] Do you think this is funny?
Butters: Eric! Calm down.
Cartman: [destroys the bookshelves, then the toy area] Stupid butthole God! [chucks the bat at Butters, who leans out of the way. The bat smashes his mirror apart. Cartman leaves. Butters surveys the damage, then his parents show up]
Stephen: Butters! What have you done?!
Butters: I-I-it wasn't me! Ih it was the ghost!
Linda: Oh, Stephen, I don't know if we should ground him or call a doctor.
Stephen: No, I think you'd better call a doctor. I'll ground him.
Scene Description: Butters' house, later. Stephen holds Linda as the doctor on house call leaves Butters' bedroom
Linda: What do you think, Doctor?
Doctor: Your son is suffering from severe dementia. He claims that the ghost of a dead friend talks to him. This is usually a sign of schizophrenia brought on by some tragic event in the child's past. I think it's best that we take him to the mental center and do some tests.
Linda: Oh no. [buries her face in Stephen's shoulder] NO!
Scene Description: South Park Institute for Mental Health, day. In the operating room, Butters is wheeled into play on a gurney, face up
Doctor: [in a booth with Butters' parents] All right, Butters, just try to relax. [two robot arms grab Butters along the sides of his torso and head, pick him up, and flip him over] Doin' just fine, Butters. [the arms reposition themselves and raise Butters a little higher. A big red anal probe closes in and begins to vibrate] Just stay perfectly still now, Butters.
Butters: [nervous, tries to look back] Lu lu lu, lu lu lu [the anal probe enters and shakes him violently]
Doctor: Good. You're gonna feel a little pinch now, Butters. [the probe takes one last, deep jab. Then, to Stephen.] Don't worry, Mr. Stotch. Whatever traumatized your son in his past, we'll find it. [the robot arms now rock Butters back and forth as the probe does its stuff.]
Scene Description: Butters' recovery room, later. The doctor and Butters' parents are at bedside
Doctor: Well, after fourteen hours of testing, I can say Butters is definitely suffering from aggravated repressed memory syndrome. You see, Butters, when the brain wants to cover something up, it makes up images and sounds for you to hear.
Butters: So... the ghost was in my head. The whole time.
Stephen: Now do you believe us, Butters?
Butters: Yes! Uh yes sir! I believe you.
Doctor: Good. We're making a lot of headway. We'll do some more testing tomorrow. All right, folks. Let's let Butters get some rest. [they leave]
Linda: [stays behind long enough to kiss Butters on the forehead] Goodnight, baby. [leaves. The lights go out]
Butters: [relaxing and sleeps...] Ahhh. [...but Cartman appears at the foot of the bed]
Cartman: Butters.
Butters: AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Cartman: Don't worry, Butters, I'm gonna get you out of here.
Butters: Please leave me alone, Eric. My bottom is really sore.
Cartman: I found the woman you need to talk to for me. Look! [shows Butters an ad for a psychic] Doctor Lindsay, expert in the paranormal. She can tell us what to do!
Butters: Eric, ye-you're just an image in my head brought on by a traumatic event.
Cartman: She's gonna close soon! Come on! [pulls Butters out of bed and away]
Butters: Wuh I hate my stupid psychotic brain!
Scene Description: The psychic's house. The doorbell rings. She's watching television, but she gets up to answer the door. Cartman and Butters are there
Butters: [still with heavy eyelids] Hello, ma'am. May I talk to you?
Psychic: Certainly. Come in. [Butters and Cartman follow her in] Have a seat and tell me what it is you seek.
Butters: Well, there's this ghost, see? Only it probably isn't a ghost, ih-it's just a delusion brought on by my trauma. Well I'm supposed to heh, help him, find out why his spirit is wanderin' the Earth, even though I know that I'm most likely just completely insane.
Psychic: Well, many times, the reason that the soul stays Earth-bound is because God is intending to use that soul for a divine purpose, to help prevent an impending tragic event.
Cartman: Of course. That's it, Butters! We had it wrong all the time!
Psychic: But now, you shouldn't think you're crazy, young man. I see ghosts all the time.
Butters: Really?
Psychic: Yes. When's the last time you saw yours?
Butters: Well, he's sittin' next to me right now.
Psychic: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! [runs out of the room screaming. The TV turns on mysteriously behind the boys]
Butters: Hey, I think she could see you too. You really are a ghost.
Cartman: I told you, Butters. [a breaking news item comes on]
Announcer: This is breaking news!
Anchor Tom: A tragic event is unfolding in South Park. Three convicted murderers have escaped from jail and are holding twelve people hostage at the Red Cross!
Reporter Chris: Tom, the convicts were about to be arrested when they ran inside the Red Cross behind me, and threatened to kill all the workers inside. The violent men are demanding a helicopter and two hundred thousand dollars cash.
Cartman: Oh my God, this is it, Butters. This is what I'm here to stop. Come on, Butters. This psychic boy and his ghost pal are going to save the day!
Scene Description: The Red Cross, later that night. A crowd has gathered and the police try to control the crowd
Officer: Stay back, people!
Man: Stay back?! Hell, my wife and child are in there!
Det. Yates: Stay calm in there. We don't want anybody getting hurt.
Lead convict: You get us a helicopter and two hundred thousand dollars or these people start dyin', man!
Scene Description: The Red Cross, outside. Butters and Cartman sneak past the police barricade
Cartman: All right, Butters, I'm going in alone, first. Give me thirty seconds in there, and then you go in and free the hostages.
Butters: Go in there? Uh, but they'll see me.
Cartman: Don't worry. I have a plan. [movers towards an entrance]
Butters: Eric. [Cartman turns around] Well, be careful, ghost pal.
Cartman: They can't hurt me, Butters. I'm already dead. [Cartman moves towards the front door. The detective notices]
Det. Yates: What the hell is that kid doing?
Scene Description: The Red Cross, inside. The convicts look out through the Venetian blinds
Bald convict: Somebody's comin' in!
Convict 2: It's just some little fat kid. [the door opens and Cartman walks in. He starts making haunting, ghostly noises and rattling desks]
Bald convict: What the hell is going on?
Convict 2: I have no idea.
Cartman: Yes, it's working! [hops on a chair, picks up a book, waves it around, and flips the pages in the lead convict's face]
Lead convict: This is really weird. [Cartman walks over to a file cabinet, opens a drawer, and tosses out all sorts of papers. Butters enters the building, walking quietly as Cartman keeps the three convicts distracted]
Scene Description: The Red Cross, outside.
Reporter Chris: An incredible development here, Tom. Two little boys have fearlessly gone inside the Red Cross. [footage of Cartman entering the building is shown]
Scene Description: Stan's house. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny watch the news
Stan: Cartman?
Scene Description: The Red Cross, inside. Cartman swings two cowbells up and down. Butters has left the door open
Bald convict: [scratches his head] I'm so confused! [Butters goes over to the office, removes the chair blocking the door, and opens the door.]
Butters: Hurry. Go, go! [the hostages leave quickly, quietly. They exit the Red Cross.]
Officer 2: The hostages are clear!
Det. Yates: [through the bull horn] All right, move in! [the officers move in. Cartman is dancing around shaking the bells and making ghostly noises]
Convict 2: The hostages are gone!
Bald convict: What?! [the officers pour in and arrest the convicts] Son of a bitch.
Reporter Chris: Tom, an incredible story of courage. Two little boys, armed only with the weapon of confusion, managed to go in and save the Red Cross. Nobody seems to know who the boys are or where they went off to, but they are heroes.
Scene Description: The field across from the Red Cross. Cartman is about to take his leave for the third time
Cartman: Well, we did it, Butters. We saved the day.
Butters: Boy, we sure did.
Cartman: My spirit is at rest now. I can finally go to everlasting peace, eternal rest, and ten thousand dollars cash. Butters, I think that, through this whole thing, we've really become friends.
Butters: Yeah. Uh I feel that way too.
Cartman: We both, kind of needed each other and... well... I'm gonna miss you.
Butters: I'll miss you too, ghost pal.
Cartman: [backs up again, waving his hands before him] Goodbye Butters. I must be going now. I'll be looking down on you from time to time. Have a long, fulfilling life, Butters! Goodbye! [Stan, Kyle, and Kenny approach him from his right side, Clyde, Token and Jimmy approach him from his left]
Stan: Hey Cartman, that was really cool what you did.
Clyde: Yeah Eric, we're gonna stop ignoring you now. [both Cartman and Butters are stunned that everyone can suddenly see Cartman]
Kyle: We didn't think that by pretending you didn't exist, you would really change, but you really have.
Stan: Well, anyway, we just wanna let you know. Talk to you tomorrow.
Jimmy: Yeah. S-see ya, Eric. [Butters looks down]
Cartman: [pissed off] You sonofabitch Butters!
Butters: Huh?
Cartman: You told me I was a ghost!
Butters: Huh but I thought you were one!
Cartman: How stupid are you?! So help me GOD Butters, I'm gonna get you back for this! I'm going to [points his finger at Butters] Get you back! [runs off. Butters just looks at him, baffled. His parents arrive with the doctor]
Stephen: [angered] Butters?!
Butters: Oh hamburgers.


Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The school bell rings.
Mr. Mackey: M'kay, kids, as your counselor, I know it can sometimes be difficult to talk about subjects like drugs and sex and alcohol, m'kay? So, as you remember, last week I told you to write down any difficult questions you had and put them in this box anonymously so we could discuss those questions in class, m'kay? I got a lot o' responses, so let's read some aloud. [pulls out the first letter and reads] "Mr. Mackey is gay." [some of the kids laugh] Okay kids, that is not funny! M'kay?! This box is supposed to be used for serious questions! About, about serious issues! M'kay, let's, let's stop the tomfoolery. [puts it aside and reaches into the box for the next letter] M'kay, this looks like a real one here. [reads] "Dear Mr. Mackey, you are gay." [the class laughs] All right, all right. That's enough, kids. Let's quiet down and try to be mature, 'kay? [reaches in to read the next one] Uh here we go. Okay, "Mr. Mackey, sometimes my parents hit me, and you are gay." [the class laughs harder] Dammit, is there not one serious question in here?! [reads the next two letters] "Mr. Mackey is gay." "Mr. Mackey is gay." [gets the next letter] Okay, here. [reads] "I am a boy at South Park Elementary. Sometimes, when I'm sitting in class, my penis becomes hard for no reason. What should I do?" [Jimmy looks around nervously. Cartman cracks up, and the rest of the class, except Jimmy, follows] All right kids, all right kids, that's enough! [a small bell is heard and Jimmy looks down] If you all can't be serious about the question box, [turns and writes "drugs" on the board] then we'll just do drug identification exercises, unkay?!
Class: Awwwww!
Mr. Mackey: M'kay, uhh, Jimmy, why don't you come up here and write down the names of two narcotics?
Jimmy: Uh no, that-that's okay, Mr. Mackey.
Mr. Mackey: Jimmy, I'm not asking you, I'm telling you!
Jimmy: Uhhh, just uh ahh not right this second, Mr. Mackey.
Mr. Mackey: Well why the hell not?!
Jimmy: Uh... [waves him over. Mr. Mackey walks over and bends down to listen to Jimmy whisper in his ear]
Mr. Mackey: It's what... Oh, you do? R-right now, right now it is? M'kay, m'kay. Don't worry, Jimmy. [returns to the board] N'kay, uhhh, let's pick someone else. Um, Eric, why don't you come up here?
Cartman: Hey, that's bullcrap! How come Jimmy doesn't have to do it?!
Mr. Mackey: Well, because uh, Jimmy is pitching a tent right now. [Jimmy shows some alarm]
Stan: He's what?? [Kyle shrugs]
Scene Description: South Park Elementary hallway. Kids milling around notice a poster on the pegboard among the lockers and talk amongst themselves.
Stan: A hundred dollar gift certificate to South Park Mall? [the kids begin moving out of the way, leaving Stan, Kyle, and Kenny] Maybe we should do the talent show.
Kyle: Well, what's the point? Jimmy always wins with his stand-up comedy.
Jimmy: Hey fellas.
Stan: Dude, didja see, Jimmy? They're giving away a hundred dollar first prize for the talent show.
Jimmy: Oh I sure have. I've been working on my ruh... ruh... routine all year long.
Kyle: I don't know how you do it, dude. How do you get up in front of that many people?
Jimmy: Well fellas, entertainment is my life. I love being in front of everyone. [his penis gets aroused] Aaah!
Kyle: Huh wuh, what's the matter?
Jimmy: I gotta guh, I gotta go! See ya fellas. [rushes away and down the hall] Eh, excuse me! Evuh evuh - excuh, cuh, cuse me! Excuse me, puh-please. [he grunts as he heads for the boys' room and enters, looking for an empty stall. He tries the first toilet stall]
Clyde: It's occupied. [Jimmy tries the second stall]
Cartman: No room at the inn, Virgin Mary. [Jimmy heads back to the sinks and throws water on his face, then throws water on his pants' crotch]
Butters: [enters and heads for the urinal] Hehey Jimmy! [arrives at the urinal, drops his trousers and lifts his shirt, and starts pissing] M'boy, did you see that first prize for the talent show? Why you must be excited! You'll probably win like always.
Jimmy: Yeah. Yeah, I'm real excited. REAL excited... for some reason... Oh, Jesus! What's wrong with me?
Butters: [notices some heavy drops in the stalls] Hey, who's droppin' bombs in there?! How about a courtesy flush?!
Cartman: Up yours, Butters.
Scene Description: Jimmy's house, afternoon. Jimmy walks through the door and sighs. His parents are on the sofa. His mom reads a book, his dad a newspaper.
Sarah: Hey Jimmy, how was school?
Jimmy: Fine, Mom.
Ryan: Jimmy, we understand you're getting erections in the classroom.
Jimmy: [stops in his tracks for a few seconds, then looks over his shoulder] What? Uh who told you that?
Ryan: Mr. Mackey, your counselor.
Jimmy: Aw J-j-j-j...j-Jesus!
Ryan: Now, Jimmy, it's nothing to be ashamed of. But we know it's something you might have a hard time talking about. Get it? A hard time. So, we took your counselor's advice 'nd called Doctor Pal to help us all talk about this.
Jimmy: Dz-n-Doctor Pal?
Doctor Pal: [springs up from behind the sofa and quite eager to start. He talks quickly] Hey Jimmy, I'm Doctor Pal. That's because I'm a doctor, but I'm also your pal. Are we cool?
Jimmy: Uh, sure?
Doctor Pal: A lot of times parents call me in because I can relate to younger kids. I'm, I'm down, I'm dope, you dig? Now, I understand you have some concerns about erections. [affects a joking manner] "Oops, can't say erection in front of the parents right. Oh God, I feel so weird" huh?
Jimmy: Well, a little, yes.
Doctor Pal: Jimmy, there's nothing weird about random erections. Almost every boy goes through a phase where his penis becomes hard... for no particular reason. It's just part of growing up. Growing up? Growing out is more like it. [laughs at his own cleverness]
Jimmy: But I have to make it stop! The talent show is this F-Friday.
Doctor Pal: Tell you what, Mom and Dad, why don't you skedaddle for a tick and let us hipsters talk in privo.
Ryan: A-all right, come on, honey. [they rise and leave the living room]
Doctor Pal: Jimmy, as you get older your body goes through a lot of changes. Certain hormones start to release as your whole reproductive system begins to awaken, and so, if you like, we can take off our shirts and kiss.
Jimmy: Ke...c-come again?
Doctor Pal: Oh, hey, nothin', you see? See, that set you off on a different tangent, got you thinkin' a different way. That's what Doctor Pal is here to do. [leans forward a little] Unless, of course, you think we should take off our shirts and kiss.
Jimmy: N-no, I do NOT want to take off my shirt and kiss!
Doctor Pal: Well then to hell with you, kid. You can just deal with your problems on your own. [walks out the door and closes it behind him]
Scene Description: Jimmy's house, night. He's fast asleep, and we see his dream.
Announcer: Next up for the talent show, put your hands together for the incredibly talented Jimmy Valmer! [he approaches the mic. On one side is a stool with a glass of water on it. The school audience is cheering]
Jimmy: Wow, what a what a great audience. So apparently Martha Stewart is out of jail. Have you have you heard about this, have you seen this? She's very excited to get started on her new show, "Martha Stewart Living, with an electronic ankle bracelet." [the audience laughs heartily] So it looks like the Vatican has finally chosen a new Pope. Have you seen this, have you heard about this? [his penis is around and his erection begins to show] A-a-apparently they're going to call him New Pope, a-and refer to John Paul as P-Pope Classic. [the claps are few, his erection is bigger] Uh,.. so it so it looks like Michael Jackson is having back problem in court. [the kids begin to notice the erection and whisper to each other. Jimmy's beginning to falter] You know... huh... you uh you know what they say about b-b-b-b-back problems. [a girl screams and runs out of the gym. The other kids follow. Jimmy's penis has gotten so big it blocks his view of the audience. He moves it to his left so he can see everyone on his right] Uh, uh gee, what a terrific audience. [swings it to his right to see everyone on his left] What a fantastic audience.
Mrs. Garrison: Don't worry, Jimmy. We're not laughing with you, we're laughing AT you. [several shots of the audience laughing at Jimmy. Jimmy wakes up and sits up on his bed.]
Jimmy: Nuh uh! Wuh. Huh. Waaagh! Ungh! [punches his genitals with both his fists, then falls asleep hard]
Scene Description: Butters' house, day. He's practicing his favorite song in the garage with some help from his boom box. Jimmy approaches.
Butters: Lu Lu Lu, I've got some apples, Lu Lu Lu, you've got some too. Lu Lu Lu, let's get together, I know what we can do, Lu Lu.
Jimmy: Butters!
Butters: Oh! Oh hey, Jimmy. [turns off the tape player] I'm just practicin' for the talent show.
Jimmy: Butters, ah I really need to talk to somebody, and I think maybe you're the only person who won't make f-f-fun of me.
Butters: Oh gosh, I'd never make fun of somebody with a problem.
Jimmy: Butters, do you know what you're supposed to do when your penis gets hard?
Butters: [thinks a moment] Well sure I do.
Jimmy: Really??
Butters: Yes, now sit down, Jimmy, we should have a little talk. [they sit next to the boom box] You see, Jimmy, when a man's penis becomes hard, the man puts it into a lady. Into her "vagiiina." [fans his fingers out] Then, the hard penis sneezes milk inside the lady's tummy, and after it's all done sneezin' milk, the penis stops bein' hard, and the man loses interest in the lady.
Jimmy: So, when your penis becomes hard, you're supposed to put in in a lady's vagina. And then it stops being hard?
Butters: That's right, Jimmy.
Jimmy: But where am I going to find a lady to stick my penis in? The talent show is this Friday.
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The kids visit their lockers to change books.
Girl: Talk to you, Bertha.
Bertha: Okay, see you later, Jessie.
Jimmy: Hey Bertha.
Bertha: Oh, hey Jimmy. What's goin' on?
Jimmy: Well Bertha, I was wondering if I could stick my penis in your vagina?
Bertha: What?? No way! [Cartman walks into view, overhears, then stops to listen]
Jimmy: But the talent show is tomorrow! [Bertha slaps him] Ooo!
Bertha: Jerk! [walks away, Cartman comes forward]
Cartman: Jimmy, Jimmy, what the hell are you doing, man?
Jimmy: I'm trying to get laid. What's it look like?
Cartman: Dude, you don't just go up to a girl and ask her if you can stick your penis in her vagina. Ye-you have to ask her on a date, take her out for some Italian food.
Jimmy: Wow, seems like you know a lot about this stuff, Eric. Have you gotten laid before?
Cartman: Sure, lots of times. I've been laid, like, five thousand times.
Jimmy: Well, wha-what do I do?
Cartman: I told you: a date and then Italian food. And then you gotta make her think you're a good listener.
Jimmy: Eric, I can't tell you why, but it's very important that I score to-night! Can you come on the date and help me? You're like a white... Hitch.
Cartman: Why sure, they do this all the time in movies and TV shows. You go on the date and wear an earpiece, and I'll be nearby, secretly telling you all the right things to say.
Jimmy: Wow! Thanks, Eric.
Scene Description: A house, night. A woman is reading a book on her sofa. The doorbell rings.
Mom: Shawna honey, I think your little date is here.
Shawna: [heads for the door] Okay, Mom. [opens it, and finds Jimmy waiting outside]
Jimmy: Hey Shawna.
Shawna: Hi Jimmy.
Cartman: [hiding in some bushes nearby] Okay Jimmy. First off, tell her how good she looks.
Jimmy: Wow, Shawna, you look f-fantastic.
Shawna: Thanks, Jimmy. Where are we going?
Jimmy: We're going to an authentic Italian restaurant, Buca de Fagghecini
Scene Description: Buca de Fagghecini, dinnertime. Jimmy and Shawna wait for service at their table.
Waiter: Welcome to Buca de Fagghecini for the authentico experience Italiano. My name is Roma. Can I start you out with some lotsa pasta macaroni minis?
Jimmy: Uh, I think we're gonna try your authentic pizzareli casserona poppers.
Waiter: Right away. [walks away]
Shawna: You know that girl Sally Rauman at our school? I can't stand her.
Cartman: [at a nearby booth] Jimmy! Jimmy! Jimmy, even though what she's saying now isn't interesting at all, you say, "Wow, that is very interesting. Please tell me more."
Jimmy: Wow, that is very interesting. Please tell me more.
Shawna: Really? Well, Kelligan bought the same purse and I was like, "No WAY do I want it now!" because who wants a purse that both their best friends have, right? And so-
Cartman: [Roma sets some plates of food on his table] All right, when she stops yappin' again, say "Wow, I've never thought of it that way before, but you're right."
Shawna: I guess that's why I figured, "Who needs friends like THAT?"
Jimmy: Wow, I've never thought of it that way before, but you're right.
Shawna: It's like I told Debbie: "If you're gonna go out with my friends-"
Cartman: All right Jimmy, when she finally shuts her trap again, I want you to repeat whatever she said, and then follow it with "Wow, how insightful."
Shawna: "And so if you're gonna be that way, I don't need to be your friend."
Jimmy: "If you're gonna be that way, I don't need to be your friend." Wow, how insightful.
Shawna: You know, Jimmy, you are a great listener.
Jimmy: Really?
Shawna: Yeah. I mean, no other boys really communicate like you do.
Jimmy: Oh, I'm so glad you think so, Shawna, because I really wanna stick my penis in your vagina.
Cartman: Yes, nice, Jimmy, very nice.
Shawna: [stunned] ...What??? [crosses her arms and glares] I'm not doing that!
Jimmy: But the talent show is tomorrow night!
Shawna: Creep! [throws her glass of water at him and walks out. The water shorts out his headphones, and Cartman takes his off from the feedback]
Cartman: Aaagh!
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, next evening. The gym is set up for the talent show and the whole school is there. Well, most of the school...
Mrs. Garrison: Welcome students and parents to the annual South Park Elementary Talent Show! [some applause] We have a lot of little talneted performers to get through, so the quicker you shut up, the quicker this will be over! [everyone quiets down] Okay, first up we have Billy Turner, from the third grade, who will be doing an alto sax solo. [out comes Billy with his alto sax and he begins to play Frиre Jacques. His notes are tentative and wobbly]
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, out on the front curb. Jimmy sits there sobbing. Officer Barbrady's police car rolls gently towards him and stops. The driver door opens and Officer Barbrady comes into view.
Officer Barbrady: Jimmy? Jimmy Valmer?
Jimmy: [looks up] Oh... Hi, Officer B b-b-buh b-b-buh b-Barbrady.
Officer Barbrady: Jimmy, what are you doing here? The talent show is inside.
Jimmy: I'm... not gonna perform in the talent show. [sobs again]
Officer Barbrady: Not perform? [sits down next to him] But Jimmy, you love talent shows. Everyone in town knows that.
Jimmy: I just c-can't risk getting up in front of everyone.
Officer Barbrady: Why?
Jimmy: All right! I I keep getting an erection for no reason! Okay! But I can't get any of the girls here to let me... do it to them.
Officer Barbrady: Well of course not, Jimmy. Little girls don't wanna have sex.
Jimmy: Then why does God make it so that my penis gets hard if girls don't wanna have it in their vaginas? It's like a cruel joke.
Officer Barbrady: Well, Jimmy, the girls here are young and pure. They're not like the ladies down at Colfax Point.
Jimmy: ...Colfax Point?
Officer Barbrady: Well yeah, those women will have sex with anybody.
Jimmy: Really? M-maybe I can catch the bus ...and get down there before the talent show ends. Th-thanks, Officer Barbrady! [heads off to the nearest bus station]
Officer Barbrady: You're welcome, Jim. [happy at first, he begins to think over that last conversation] Wait...
Scene Description: Colfax Point, in the red-light district of town, night. Cars roll by as obese prostitutes try to get customers. Shapely prostitutes try as well when the obese ones are denied. A black woman wearing knee-high boots walks down the street towards the camera. She has brilliant red hair, black vest and boots, and cheetah-print shorts
Voice-over: Colfax Point. Pimps and hos and tricks in rows. Women walk the street with corns on their feets. Broken dreams and no ice creams.
Scene Description: A car stops in front of a woman built like a brick mansion
Ho: You lookin' for a date?
Jimmy: [entering this hellhole] Hello? Hello? I need to put my ...p-penis in a woman's vagina. Any takers? [before him, a ho dressed as a Red Cross nurse is left behind by a customer] Excuse me, ma'am. What's your name?
Prostitute: They call me Nut Gobbler.
Jimmy: Well, Nut Gobbler, I need to get laid.
Nut Gobbler: Huh??
Jimmy: I have a raging hard-on that just won't quit, and the talent show has already started.
Nut Gobbler: You a cop?
Jimmy: No. Actually, I'm a stand-up comic.
Nut Gobbler: You got money?
Jimmy: Sure do.
Nut Gobbler: All right, you got a place to go?
Jimmy: Sure. I know the p-perfect place.
Scene Description: Buca de Fagghecini, moments later. The waitier arrives.
Roma: Welcome to Buca de Fagghecini for the authentic experienso Italiano. My name is Roma, and uhhh [recognizes Jimmy] Oh, it's nice to see you again, Mr. Valmer.
Jimmy: [grabs Roma by the collar and talks to him in hushes tones] Hey, can it, jackass! I don't want her to know I was just here with a different girl.
Roma: Oh right, pardone, segnore. I'll come back with some garlic bread mediterraneane. [walks off]
Nut Gobbler: What are we doin' anyway?
Jimmy: This is authentic Italian food straight from S-Sicily. You should try the Lotsa Mozzarella Pizza Roll.
Nut Gobbler: I can't eat too much, I've got an infected urinary tract. I've been pissin' blood for a week.
Jimmy: Oh, uh, wow, that is very interesting. Please tell me more.
Nut Gobbler: Huh? [takes out a lighter and cigarette and lights the cigarette] Well, that's it, I just piss blood! So I have to stick a tampon up my peehole.
Jimmy: Wow. You know, I've never thought of it that way before, but you're right. If you're pissing blood, you can shove a tampon up your peehole. You are very insightful. Please tell me more.
Nut Gobbler: Look, kid, what are you doin'?! You wanna get laid or not?
Jimmy: Well of couse I wanna get laid. That's why I'm taking you to this ...fancy place and pretending to be interested in what you have to say.
Nut Gobbler: Kid, I'm a hooker. You don't have to take me to dinner OR be nice to me.
Jimmy: What? Fo-for real?
Nut Gobbler: You paid me, so you get to do me. It's that simple.
Jimmy: Well jumpin' Jesus, what are we wasting our time here for then? The talent show is happening right now! Let's get to r-r-rammin'! [A black man angrily approaches the table]
Pimp: What are you doin', ho?! Havin' dinner?! You're supposed to be workin' for me!
Nut Gobbler: It's where the trick wanted to go, you bastard!
Pimp: Trick?! I ain't stupid! Ain't no trick gonna take you out to dinner! [Roma arrives with some food, but quickly leaves when he sees what's happening] This PIMP is tryin' to steal you away from me! [to Jimmy] This is MY ho!
Jimmy: I beg to differ with you, sir. I paid for her and took her out to dinner. She's my ho!
Nut Gobbler: Uh Jesus.
Pimp: You got a problem, bitch?!
Jimmy: Yes, I do have a problem, as a matter of fact! I've spent all my money on this ho, and she's now my only shot at getting laid, and the talent show is only a couple of hours from being over.
Pimp: [to Nut Gobbler] You're comin' home right now! [grabs her by the hair hard]
Nut Gobbler: Agh! Let go of my hair, you son of a bitch!
Jimmy: Sir, sir, that is my ho!
Pimp: I'm gonna kick your ass, ho! [hauls her off]
Jimmy: [watching the pimp pull Nut Gobbler away] Sir, sir!
Scene Description: South Park Elementary Talent Show, now in progress. A student sings Journey's "Open Arms" badly.
Blonde Haired Girl: Lying beside you, here in the dark. Feeling your heartbeat with mine...
Stan: [bored, exchanges looks with Kyle] Woof.
Scene Description: Buca de Fagghecini, outside. The pimp drives off with Nut Gobbler, and Jimmy just steps out the front doors
Jimmy: Son of a ...b-bitch! [a taxicab rolls by, and Jimmy hails it] Taxi! [the cab stops, and Jimmy gets in] Follow that pimp and ho! [the driver does as told and peels away]
Scene Description: The pimp's car.
Nut Gobbler: Where are you taking me?!
Pimp: I'm gonna kill you, ho!
Nut Gobbler: No! Please! Q Money! I'm sorry!
Q Money: You're already dead, ho! [outside the driver window, the cab has pulled up alongside. Jimmy rolls down his window]
Jimmy: Sir! I paid for that lady, and by taking her, you are no better than a common th-thief!
Q Money: Fuck you, punk! [turns his steering wheel left so his car rams the cab. The cab spins away, but recovers and comes up along the passenger side this time.]
Jimmy: Nut Gobbler, grab onto my crutch! [sticks it out for her to grab. She fails at grabbing it a few times, but finally succeeds. She begins to climb out of Q Money's car and has one leg out of the car]
Q Money: [grabs onto Nut Gobbler's other leg] Get your ass back in here, ho!
Nut Gobbler: Aaaah! [she's basically doing the splits between the cars]
Jimmy: I got you, Nut Gobbler! [the two cars race down the streets with Nut Gobbler spread out between them like a Thanksgiving turkey]
Scene Description: South Park Elementary Talent Show, now in progress. The Goth kids are now onstage. The Red Goth and Henrietta are on guitars, and the Kindergoth is on drums. The Tall Goth sings.
Tall Goth: No no nono no, I'm not gonna be in the talent show. Oh no nono no. I'll never be in your faggy talent show. [the song ends and they walk offstage. Some applause for them comes up from the audience]
Mrs. Garrison: Okay, that was the Goth kids with "Talent Shows Are For Fags"
Tall Goth: That was killer. We showed them.
Red Goth: Yeah, I hope we win.
Scene Description: The streets of South Park, night. The two cars are still racing down the streets with Nut Gobbler splits between them. She's screaming from the pain
Jimmy: Come on, ho! [the cars bump each other and pull apart, each male, Jimmy and Q Money, wanting Nut Gobbler with him. A motorcycle driver is coming towards them]
Cabbie: Look out!
Motorcyclist: Daww?
Nut Gobbler: Aah?? [the motorcyclist smacks into Nut Gobbler's groin and gets stuck there as his motorcycle continues without him and falls away] NO! [the motorcyclist is screaming, but his screams are muffled. Q Money takes out his gun and takes a few shots at Jimmy. One shot gets him in the right shoulder and he has to let go of Nut Gobbler. Both she and the motorcyclist fall into Q Money's car] '
Jimmy: Eugh! Stay on him! I'm not giving up! [the chase continues]
Scene Description: South Park Elementary Talent Show, now in progress. A magic act ends as the assistant steps out of a box.
Kid Magician: Tada! [some applause comes up from the audience.]
Mrs. Garrison: Okay, very nice, Clark and Laura. Very nice. [they carry off the box Laura was in] Our next act is Butters, who will be singing a song
Stephen: [takes a picture] There's our boy. [Linda claps with the audience. The piano begins]
Butters: Lu lu lu, I've got some... [pauses as he forgets the words] Some... uh, some uh... some, uh... Uuuhhh... Oh no! [a puddle of urine forms under him] No no noho noo! [runs off the stage]
Mrs. Garrison: Okay, thank you Butters, very nice, short and sweet. [whips out a towel and wipes the stage clean of urine]
Scene Description: The streets of South Park, night. The two cars are now bumping each other off.
Q Money: Goddamn, this pimp just won't give up!
Jimmy: [to the cabbie] Get close to him! [the cabbie does so, and Jimmy jumps onto the roof of Q Money's car. Q Money does what he can to shake Jimmy off, but Jimmy stays on. When Q Money draws close to the cab, Jimmy looks at the cabbie] How much do I owe you?
Cabbie: [checks the meter] Six dollars and twenty-four cents.
Jimmy: [reaches into his pockets and pulls out a ten dollar bill] C-can I just get two back, please?
Cabbie: Oh, thank you very much. [smiles and gives Jimmy the two dollars] There you go. Have a good 'n.
Jimmy: Thank you. [the cabbie leaves the scene, his job complete. Q Money continues flying down the street and into Colfax Point. The other prostitutes watch in shock. Q Money slams the car into a light pole and Jimmy is catapulted through the air and lands in a trash heap. Q Money takes Nut Gobbler out of the car and pulls her away by the hair again]
Q Money: You're gonna pay for this, bitch!
Nut Gobbler: No! Heelllp!! [The motorcyclist looks up dazed from the back seat of the crashed car. Jimmy makes his way out of the trash heap. Q Money drags Nut Gobbler up the stairs of a nearby building] Haaaaaaaaaa!!
Jimmy: [in hot pursuit now] Don't worry, Nut Gobbler! I'm coming! [his penis gets hard again and he freezes] Oh Jesus, not now. [he gathers his legs tight so the erection doesn't show as much] Oh boy, this is embarrassing. [he walks off gingerly]
Scene Description: South Park Elementary Talent Show, still in progress.
Mrs. Garrison: And now we have Eric Cartman, who will be doing select readings from the movie, Scarface. [leaves as the curtains open]
Cartman: [starts off with his back to the audience, then turns around] D'you know what you are? You're all a bunch of fucking cock roaches! You need people like me! You need people like me so you can point your fucking finger and say "That's the bad guy!" Well say goodnight to the bad guy!!
Liane: That's my little boy. [smiles. Gerald and Sheila are stunned]
Scene Description: Colfax Point, night. On the rooftop of the building, Q Money has Nut Gobbler on her knees and is ready to shoot her dead.
Nut Gobbler: Please, Q Money! Don't do this!
Q Money: I told you never to turn on me, ho!
Jimmy: [catches up with the pair] Hey, j-j-jackass! [he and Q Money face each other] I'm sorry I resorted to calling you jackass just now, but I'm very upset!
Q Money: And what are you gonna do, huh?! I've got four feet on you AND a gun! What do you have?!
Jimmy: What do I have? The weapon of comedy. So apparently the Chinese and the Japanese aren't getting along lately. Have you seen this? Have you heard about this?
Q Money: What?!
Jimmy: I'll tell you one thing: their food hasn't been getting along with my stomach for years.
Q Money: [laughs] That's pretty good.
Jimmy: Martha Stewart is out of jail. Have you seen this? Have you heard about this?
Q Money: [laughs] Oh yeah. That's right, she is. [behind him, Nut Gobbler grabs a pipe and approaches him silently]
Jimmy: She's apparently gotten real good with baking cakes with keys in them. [Q Money laughs heartily as Nut Gobbler reaches him. She knocks him out with one blow to the back of the head.]
Nut Gobbler: Serves you right, you son of a bitch!
Jimmy: Nice teamwork, Nut Gobbler.
Nut Gobbler: I can't believe you chased me all this way. You, you really care about me.
Jimmy: Not really. You're just a hooker, and I need to get laid. The talent show could be over any minute.
Nut Gobbler: That's good enough for me. [takes off her coat and poses enticingly] Take me to bed. [Jimmy approaches her, reaches out, and she falls back and lands with a thud on his arms and crutches. He then hoists her up and carries her down the stairs to the bottom floor of the building. He carries her out the door, through the group of hookers gathered to marvel at the sight, and towards a Ho-Tel. One admiring prostitute wipes away a tear. Jimmy carries Nut Gobbler through the door and onto a bed nearby. The door closes and the light goes out. All the other hookers keep applauding]
Scene Description: South Park Elementary Talent Show, still in progress. Ike is onstage singing "Yankee Doodle Boy".
Ike: I have a Yankee Doodle sweetheart,She's my Yankee Doodle girl.[holds up some sparklers]'Ankee Doodle came to London,Just to ride the ponies,[throws them off and gets inside a small cannon next to him. The barrel rises until it's in launch position]I am da Yankee DoodleI am da Yankee DoodleI am da Yankee Doodle boy.[The cannon shoots him out and he lands clear across the stage. Some applause greets the performance. As the props are taken away, Ike takes off his hat and bows low to everyone, then puts on his top hat and walks off]
Mrs. Garrison: Okay, very nice, Ike, thank you. All right, children, it looks like we have no more contestants, which means, the Talent Show is over! [the children cheer and Principal Victoria nudges a sleeping Mr. Mackey]
Principal Victoria: Mr. Mackey, it's over.
Mr. Mackey: Huh? [takes off his glasses and rubs his eyes] Oh oh oh, right.
Mrs. Garrison: Now we will tally up the judges' scores and find out which act they hated the least.
Jimmy: Hold everything! [Mrs. Garrison looks up. Jimmy has entered the gym and walks towards the stage. The audience watches him head up the steps] Mrs. Garrison, if you don't mind, I'll be taking that microphone..
Mrs. Garrison: Okay, let's put our hands together for Jimmy Valmer. [some applause heads his way]
Jimmy: Wow, what a terrific audience. So apparently it's been exactly two years since the fall of Baghdad. Have you seen this? Have you heard about this? Just as B-Bush predicted, Baghdad fell, Iraq fell, Saddam fell. The only thing that didn't fall was ...the price of gas. [everyone laughs] I just read in the paper that China's protesting Japan. Have you seen this? Have you heard about this? Yeah, I guess in China you don't get to- [his penis gets hard again and he's surprised] You've gotta be kidding me.