Scene Description: The bus stop, day. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny are waiting for the bus
Kyle: I am sooo sick of that stupid bitch! Blabbin' pussy little skank! Why do people talk on their phone like that?! I can't even get a minute of piece before that bitch walks in, holding the cell phone out like this [holds his hand out], and talking on speaker phone! Nobody wants to hear your goddamned conversations, you little bitch! You're not that important!
Cartman: [walks up to them, talking to someone on the phone via speaker] Yeah, I know dude. I'm telling you, it was the worst pain in my entire life.
Lawrence: How many hours were you guys playing?
Cartman: Like six hours, dude. And my friends were all like "Dude, Cartman, we need you to keep playing defense!"
Kyle: AAAARGH!
Lawrence: You were playing football?
Cartman: Yeah, but I was like "I can't you guys. I twisted my ankle." In the end though, they really needed me to play, so I just played through the pain, you know what I'm sayin'?
Kyle: That is not what happened! You totally started crying and quit the game!
Cartman: [softly, covering the phone] Kyle, this is a private conversation.
Kyle: Then take that shit off speaker phone!!
Lawrence: Is that that same kid?
Cartman: Yeah, it's that kid Kyle again. He's a total boner, always listening in on my calls.
Kyle: How do we have a choice?!
Cartman: Stop listening to my conversation, Kyle! What are you, the NSA?! Lawrence, remember how I was tellin' you the NSA listens to everyone's phone calls and reads all our e-mails?
Lawrence: Yeah yeah, you said that.
Toby: My dad says the government keeps a database on everyone.
Cartman: Who is that? Is that Toby?
Toby: Yeah.
Cartman: Dude, Toby, are you over at Lawrence's?
Toby: Yeah, we're ditching school.
Cartman: You're what? What, you say?
Lawrence: Me and Toby are ditching school!
Scene Description: Cafeteria, lunchtime. The boys are at table, and Kyle looks worn out.
Cartman: I'm telling you guys, the government thinks they can do whatever they want, and we don't have any privacy anymore! [he's not talking to his friends at the table, but to his friends on the conference call] Just between you and me, I think everyone is too stupid to see what this is all leading to. Did you guys read "1984"?
Lawrence: I don't think so.
Cartman: See, I didn't read it either, but I saw the puppet show version up at Casa Bonita. We have to do something about this! We need to organize a rally! [Kyle takes the top bun off his burger]
Lawrence: That'd be cool.
Cartman: That'd be what?
Lawrence: That'd be COOL.
Cartman: I know, right? [Kyle puts the bun back on the burger, then takes his tray with him and walks away] A big rally to tell the government to stay out of our private lives! I'm gonna e-mail everybody and put it up on my blog pages! [having lost his appetite, Kyle throws his food away, puts his tray on the nearby cart, and walks off. Cartman approaches the trash can] I seriously feel like I'm being spied on right now. [carelessly throws his trash away, with fries spilling onto the floor, puts his tray carelessly on the card, then walks off behind Kyle] I'm sure the government has a file on me a mile long; that's why this is so important, you know? [Kyle stops, his anger rising] Hang on, I'm gonna make a video blog for my "Stop Listening To Me" Web site. [turns on the video feature on his phone and starts recording] What's up everybody? It's me again, just kicking it at my skeal. There's gonna be a big rally to tell the government to stop gathering information on us! Gonna tweet you all the details, but keep quiet, 'cause it's top secret! [ends the video and goes back to his phone friends. Kyle leaves] You guys gonna update your blogs too?
Scene Description: Outside on the playground. Cartman is still on the phone with Lawrence while Kyle and Kenny try to play tetherball. Cartman is just too damned loud.
Cartman: Dude, I really can't hear you Lawrence. Are you outside or something?
Lawrence: I said I got your tweet and the address!
Cartman: Okay, well put Toby back on the phone! You guys start Googling everyone the directions to the rally site. Toby, are you there, bro?
Toby: Yeah, I'm here, bro.
Cartman: Bro, you gotta um, e-mail Jack about the rally and see if he'll bring petition forms. [Kyle just walks up to Cartman and stands next to him]
Kyle: [calmly] Will you please take your rally conversation somewhere else?
Cartman: Oh heeell NO you didn't just invade my privacy again?! That is the LAST STRAW, Kyle! [runs off, then stops and addresses everyone on the playground] Everybody! Everybody hey! Just so you know, we might have an NSA agent right here at our school
Butters: Ww-ww-what's the N S A?
Cartman: That just so you know, the government is watching everything you do! Always watching! They say it's to keep us safe! But what price is safety, Kyle? [walks away. The other kids disperse and go back to what they were doing. Only Butters and Kyle remain.]
Butters: The government watches everything we do?
Scene Description: Butters' bedroom, night. As a moonbeam bathes his bedroom, Butters is still wondering about the government watching him.
Butters: Hello?? Hey Government... It's me... Butters. Ah I just wanna say, well, well, thanks for watching over me and, and doin' everything you do. ...An and please watch over Mommy, and Daddy, ah an and my friends Stan and Kyle, Craig and Token, and and even ol' Eric Cartman. Uh I know he can be a meanie sometimes, but please watch over him too. Goodnight, Government. [smiles, then walks to his bed and goes under the covers, then gasps] Oh yeah. [gets out of bed and goes to his mark] Ah, and thank you, President Obama, for, for making me feel so safe and looked after. And if it wouldn't be... too much trouble... [a little softly] I'd really like to get a puppy for Christmas this year. [normal] 'Night, Government. [goes back to bed]
Scene Description: The school's computer lad, next day. The kids are typing away on their keyboards and Cartman is on the phone again...
Cartman: Dude, they have gone too far this time! There is no doubt the government is tracking me! We're gonna have to put off the rally.
Lawrence: They're spying on you?
Cartman: Yes, right here. I went to Amazon to see if they had Grand Theft Auto V, and it says, "you might also be interested in the Blu-ray for Star Trek." I'm totally interested in the Blu-ray for Star Trek! How did they know that unless the government is keepin' tabs on mw?! [pounds the keyboard with his right fist. The other kids begin to star at him] This is war, bro! Forget the rally, we have to go hard core!
Lawrence: Like what?
Cartman: Alright, listen. I'm gonna get a job at the NSA, and then I'm gonna put all their secrets up on Twitter.
Lawrence: Naw, don't do that.
Cartman: No! Dude, I'm gonna sneak into their headquarters disguised as an employee, and I'm gonna- [gets suspicious] Hey, hang on a second, Lawrence. [hides behind his monitor for a moment, then slowly stands up on his chair] I think we have a Nosey Nancy in the room. [sits down] Dude, my Twitter account might already be compromised. If I'm gonna infiltrate the NSA and get all their secrets out to the public, then I'm gonna need something better than Twitter.
Lawrence: You need that new thing where you don't need to type.
Cartman: What, they already have something better than Twitter?
Lawrence: You haven't seen the Alec Baldwin commercial?
Cartman: No! What Alec Baldwin commercial?
Scene Description: This one. Alec Baldwin is on the set of his latest movie, in his director's chair
Alec Baldwin: Hello. I'm Alec Baldwin, and I love social media. [whips out his phone] But sometimes, I accidentally tweet things that are homophobic. I don't think that way, I just type that way. That's when I realized it wasn't me that was homophobic, it was my thumbs, and they needed to be gotten rid of. [a shot of him chopping his right thumb off with a meat cleaver, then doing the same with his left thumb. He groans in pain each time.] So then the problem was, I don't have thumbs. But I know that everyone in America still wants to hear everything I have to say.[Now in a park by a lake. He's on a bench, with a camera behind him. He turns to look at it] Well, that's okay, because now there's a device that can actually take the thoughts in your head and send them directly to the Internet. It's called... Shitter. [points to a pair of antennae attached to the crown of his head. Next follows a stick-figure representation of the process]Wires are grafted harmlessly into your skull and any thought you have is uploaded to the Internet, and on to all your Shitter followers. [more stick figures appear, each with their own Shitter antennae. Then he's shown at a baseball park: "I'm at a Yankess game right now." The men on either side look at him. "God I love baseball." Next he's on a plane next to an elderly woman with her cat in a pet carrier. "People who take their cats on planes should be shot." He looks away, and the elderly woman looks at him. Next he's at a theatre. "I'm at a really great musical right now." The woman to his left notices the antennae. Next he's at an outdoor restaurant looking at a menu. "In 1992 I had sex with the Queen of Monaco. I had my entire fist up her ass." Back on set] Don't let your social media slow down our need to communicate with the world. Go direct from thought to Internet ...with Shitter. ["Just finished my Shitter commercial. Time to go find a pussy sandwich."]
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Kids are milling around the hallways. Kyle is shown walking down one hall when Cartman's voice is heard
Cartman: ["Alright, what's up everybody, what's up? I'm about ready to go to the NSA undercover, and see if I can expose some of those secrets." When Cartman appears, Kyle stops. "You can follow me on my Shitter account at #keepyourgovernmentoutofmybusinessdotcom. Wait, sh, I've gotta be careful. Kyle is here and I'm pretty sure he's tryin' to listen in."]
Kyle: [notices the Shitter device and gets angry.] What the hell are you doing?!
Cartman: [walks up to Kyle. "Kyle, if you wouldn't mind, this broadcast is for my Shitter followers only." Clyde and Stan join them]
Clyde: What's Shitter?
Cartman: [leans towards Clyde. "Don't know if you've heard, but the government is actually able to monitor all our e-mails and Twitter accounts." leans towards Clyde. "With Shitter I don't even need a cell phone. My thoughts are sent directly to the Internet, and then to everyone else on Shitter."]
Stan: Wow.
Cartman: [leans towards Stan. "Yes. Now as I infiltrate the NSA, I'll be able to broadcast everything to all my Shitter followers."]
Kyle: You're okay with everything you think going up on the Internet?
Cartman: Yeah, because the government won't respect my privacy.
Clyde: How many people are on Shitter?
Cartman: Just two so far: me and Alec Baldwin.
Alec Baldwin: ["I'm about to sit down and eat a sandwich at this amazing deli run by two faggtots in Chelsea."]
Cartman: ["Oh cute. I'll have to try it out sometime, lol."]
Alec Baldwin: ["In 1982 I was at a party at Mike Douglas' house and I fucked Kim Basinger."]
Cartman: ["Wow, that's kewl. She's cute. ;) emoji"]
Scene Description: Colorado Department of Motor Vehicles, day. Butters is waiting to be called. A monitor displays "TICKET #395 WINDOWS 15" and a small bell dings.
Butters: Oh my God. Oh my God they say me. They saw me and they're gonna be so angry! Maybe they didn't see me. No! No, they saw me, they see everything! I did something really bad. Really really bad. [ding]
Clerk: [not shown] Next!
Butters: Oh God, uh... but my parents always told me, "If you do somethin' horrible, then you have to admit it to your protector, so that you can have forgiveness." Are these people nice?
Man: DMV people? They're the meanest people on planet Earth.
Butters: Oh Jeez. [The monitor displays "TICKET #403 WINDOWS 15" and a small bell dings. Butters gets off his seat...] Oh God, huh... Here we go. [...and walks up to a clerk, but has no idea what to do] I yelled at a midget. [a few seconds pass by] I was, I was watching MTV andand this little person was singing a song, eh - I think her name was "Pink" - but I I didn't like the songs and so I yelled! "Hey, get off the TV you effing midget!" [no reaction] And I, I was at Barnes & Noble with my mom, and while she was looking for a book I, I saw this picture of Jennifer Lawrence in a magazine. Um it and I, well, I cut the picture out of the magazine while no one was lookin'. Dirty whore! I took the picture home with me and I, and-I, I cut Jennifer Lawrence's mouth out with scissors and then I... well I put my wiener through the hole. I have no idea why!! How can I atone for it?! I already said the Pledge of Allegiance 50 times! And I sang "My Country Tis Of Thee" 100 times! And I watches "America's Got Talent" twice! What else can I do?
Clerk: Why not a thousand "Livin' In America"s?
Butters: Yes! Yes I will! Oh, thank youhoohoo! I will! Oh, I feel so much better already! [begins to walk away and launches into the song] Livin' in America! Eye to eye! Hand to hand! Across the nation! Smokestack, fatback, Many miles of railroad track Ow! I said Ow ow! [exits]
Scene Description: N.S.A. Headquarters, Maryland, day. Cartman walks in, dressed in a suit and wearing a fake mustache, and approaches the front desk.
Receptionist: Can I help you sir?
Cartman: Yes, I'm here to apply for the NSA job?
Receptionist: All right, and your name?
Cartman: Bill Clinton.
Receptionist: [checks her calendar on the computer] I don't see you on the list, Mr. Clinton.
Cartman: Oh well, must be a clerical mistake, but they are expecting me.
Alec Baldwin: ["If you're ever in Los Angeles, be sure to look up Jennifer Love Hewitt. She can make a pussy sandwich that will give those faggots in Chelsea a run for their money"]
Chief: What have you got, Patricia?
Patricia: Uh, this man says he has an interview for a job, sir?
Cartman: I am extremely qualified, sir, and very eager to work.
Alec Baldwin: ["I borrowed my brother's dick once to fuck Darryl Hannah."]
Cartman: [clears his throat as a distraction] I was um, sure that the appointment was today.
Chief: That's quite alright. The NSA needs all the help it can get. Come on upstairs and I'll show you around, see if you're fit for the job.
Scene Description: The neighborhood. Two women knock on Butters' door. Butters answers it and sees two Polynesians. One carries a Bible, the other carries some pamphlets
Pamphleteer: Hello sir. My colleague and I are going through the neighborhood and seeing if you'd like to know the Truth. [hands him a pamphlet]
Butters: Sure, I love the Truth.
Pamphleteer: Okay, we from uh Jehovah Witness. We Kingdom Hall Jehovah Witness, and uh, we believe, sir, that uh many people interpret the Bible it wrong.
Butters: Wull what's a Jehovah's Witness.
Pamphleteer: We are, sir. We believe the, the Truth. I was once like you. I knew not what to believe, then I let my pulvy the Jehovah into the heart.
Butters: Oh my goodness! Your little cartoon has a girl on fire!
Pamphleteer: Yes, because uh Jehovah will bring judgement against all who perish like the little girl will burn in fire.
Butters: Oh, you shouldn't be handing out drawings like that, ma'am. Uh, don't you know that the government is watching you?
Pamphleteer: The government ih watching me?
Colleague: Wansa?
Pamphleteer: He said the government ih watching us. [they turn slowly to face the street]
Colleague: Hi now?
Pamphleteer: How long they been watching us?
Butters: Can I ask you something? When was the last time you went to your local DMV?
Pamphleteer: [turns to face him] I don't go to DMV. I don't have car.
Butters: Oh, you can walk there. Trust me, you've gotta go to the DMV. It's incredible! See, I was like you once. Afraid, unsure, and doin' stuff I shouldn't do like showin' people pictures of little girls with their heads on fire. But you know what I've learned? That just goin' to the DMV, and letting go of all my wrongdoings, filled me with a joy I've felt nowhere else! Would you like to read some DMV literature? [goes and gets some booklets he picked up at the DMV. He hand them the booklets and they leaf through them] This'll tell you most of what you need to know about the DMV. But just go. Everyone there is really nice. Your government is watching you and your government wants you to be happy. Have a nice day! [smiles and closes the door, then walks towards the kitchen]
Scene Description: N.S.A. Headquarters, Maryland, day. The chief takes Cartman on a tour.
Chief: Right this way, Bill. Welcome to the NSA main office.
Cartman: Oh yes. Sooo this is where the government checks up on its citizens.
Chief: There's a lot of people working here at the NSA. Good people, people who just wanna keep America safe. Only problem is, checking all those e-mails, Twitter accounts, and surveilling all those phone calls can take a lot of manpower. [they stop at a desk]
Detective: Hey Joe?
Joe: Whatchoo got, Miller.
Miller: Got a 24-year-old male in Albuquerque. He just e-mailed his wife and asked if she could go to the store after work. Then he called the fitness center to set up a membership. He liked the fitness center, so he tweeted his friends that they should try it out.
Joe: ...Alright, keep an eye on them. Let me know if anything changes. [he and Cartman move on]
Miller: Will do.
Joe: It's a never-ending grind here at the NSA, and it seems there's never enough detectives to keep track of everyone. [they go further into the office to reveal a large room with over a hundred detectives all at their desks keeping tabs on everyone else.] Sergeant! What have you got, Larson.
Larson: Got a seventeen-year-old female down in Jacksonville. She called her friend and asked her if she wanted to see the Percy Jackson movie. Then she e-mailed her mom at work and asked if it was okay. The mom said yes, but called her husband first to make sure there weren't any dinner plans.
Joe: Alright, keep an eye on all three of them.
Larson: Will do. [Joe and Cartman walk a few steps, then turn around. Behind them is the other half of the large room.]
Joe: If you think you got the stomach for this, then we can definitely use your help, young man.
Detective: Sir, you might wanna check this out.
Joe: What have you got?
Detective: Thirty-two-year-old pizza delivery man. He just put it on his Twitter account that he hates America and wants to blow up the Lincoln Memorial. [long pause]
Scene Description: The city, day. Joe and Cartman are in an NSA vehicle pursuing this lead. Here's the NSA as police force.
Cartman: ["Four sixteen pm. The chief asked me to join him as he went to question the possible suspects. I agreed to go along. Hopefully, the NSA has no idea of my secret intentions." The chief looks at him. "lol." The chief focuses on the road again. Moments later they stop in front of a house and get out of the car. The chief knocks on the door and a hippie answers it.]
Hippie: Well well, the NSA. I should've known.
Joe: We wanna talk to you about some tweets you've been tweeting.
Hippie: Hey man, I was just blowin' smoke. Say, what right does the government have reading my private e-mails anyway?! Haven't you squares heard of the Constitution?
Joe: Yeah, we've heard of that. We've also heard of the Declaration of Independence. See, there's a lot of people out there who think like you, people who think their government doesn't have the right to go around poking their noses in the e-mails of its citizens. That is, until a plane flies into a couple of towers and a little girl loses her life. You wanna live in the Land of the Free and the Home of the Brave, but the brave can't be free if the land isn't home, and that land won't be home so long as folks out there wanna take that American flag and shove it so far up your anus that you crap stars and stripes for a week, and as you're sittin' there on the toilet with the Star-Spangled Montezuma's Revenge there's one thing I can guarantee you.
Hippie: Yeah? What's that?
Joe: You won't care who's checkin' your Twitter account then. [holds up a hard copy of the delivery man's tweets.]
Hippie: ...I never thought of it that way.
Alec Baldwin: ["I fucked Jack Lemmon's makeup girl in a Port-A-Potty. Woops." The chief notices the lights on Cartman's Shitter device but doesn't say anything.]
Scene Description: Craig's house, day. He's on the sofa watching Terrance and Phillip on TV.
Terrance: Hey Phillip! Pull my finger! [the doorbell rings and he gets up to answer it] Aaaahahahaha. [he opens the door and sees Butters with the two Polynesian women]
Butters: Hello, Craig. How would you like to know the Truth?
Craig: ...The truth about what?
Butters: We're just goin' through the neighborhood an' seein' if you've accepted the government into your heart.
Craig: ...Aahhhh, no, I don't think so.
Pamphleteer: My colleague and I, we went to saaah experience at DMV. We went to DMV, we admit all our shortcomings an sins and uh make a tital wave of peace and serenity with the truth stored inside our heart.
Craig: ...Okay. [next scene, all four of them are on the sofa.]
Butters: You see, Craig, once I came clean with the government, I no longer had anything to hide. Then I found peace. Have you read any DMV literature?
Craig: Aaaaaaaaaaaahh, no.
Butters: Well, there's a lot of interesting stuff in here, Craig. There's even some quotes from President Obama. [hands him a booklet] Could you read this part out lout?
Craig: [slowly reading] Your local DMV is funded by your tax dollars to be efficient and proficient.
Butters: Yeah. Whattaya think President Obama means when he says that?
Craig: I have no idea.
Butters: Well, we believe that he means the government loves you, and it wants to forgive you if you just let the government into your heart.
Pamphleteer: Yes sir. [the boys look at her] See, i used to be like you. I go around sending them nasty e-mails and a nasty texts, puttin' nasty picture on my nasty Facebook. But then I realized, all these things, they live forever, because the government keep a file on us. So all that live forever up in what they call the Clou'. It's a government term. If they could put a file in the Clou', then I wanna make sure I come clean about the bad ones and maybe get those things off my record off the Clou'. Because we all live forever in the Clou'.
Butters: Uh huh. [looks at Craig] Did you follow all that, Craig? [his eyes dart around] Uh, I don't think I really followed all that.
Scene Description: N.S.A. Headquarters, Maryland, day. Back at the main office, Cartman now has his own desk as an NSA detective.
Cartman: ["I've done it. I've infiltrated the NSA, and gained their trust." A shot of Alec Baldwin and his date at a buffet restaurant. The camera pans across until it reaches the couple. "So far, I've not ascertained how they were able to keep track of everyone in the country, but I'm close. Very close. I just hope that I'm not found out as a whistleblower before I'm able to expose their entire operation."]
Date: What is that voice?
Alec Baldwin: Some little faggot in my head.
Cartman: Hey, so um, as I'm going through people's e-mails and phone calls, um, how do I know which people to start with?
Detective 3: Pretty simple. Everyone has a file. People who have a status of "threat", "possible threat", or "person of interest" are the ones we really wanna look at.
Detective 4: The more we pay attention to them, the bigger their file becomes.
Cartman: Really? How big is my file?
Detective 4: Huh?
Cartman: Uhh, that us, uhh, yo-you must have a pretty big file on Eric Cartman. All his blogs and e-mails have been watched for quite some time.
Detective 3: Jarvis, what have we got on an "Eric Cartman"? Any files on Eric Cartman.
Jarvis: Ohhh yeah, we tracked him for a little bit, but Central Computer designated his status as "fat and unimportant."
Cartman: Uhh trust me, he's not fat and unimportant. I think we need to change his status to "ripped and sweet." [no one listens. He stands up on his desk] 'Scuse me. Excuse me! There's a very important threat to national security! We need to change Eric Cartman's status!
Scene Description: Colorado Department of Motor Vehicles, day. Officer Barbrady stands at the counter holding his hat in his right hand...
Barbrady: And that's when I masturbated to Game of Thrones. I know it was wrong to masturbate, and I know it was especially wrong to masturbate while on duty.
Clerk 2: What the? [looks over his left shoulder] Why do these people keep coming here?
Barbrady: But I am done forever with Game of Thrones. Forever
Clerk 2: Next, please! [ding]
Barbrady: Thank you. [puts on his hat and walks away. Nearby is a little group Butters has been forming, and Barbrady stops by]
Group: [clapping] Yaaaaaay.
Butters: Congratulations, Brother! How do you feel?
Barbrady: I, I feel really good.
Group: [clapping] Heehhhhhhhah. [in the waiting area, a woman peeks over a man's shoulder to see what's going on]
Customer: Wow, those people over there seem like they're havin' fun. [Barbrady hugs the colleague and shakes the pamphleteer's hand]
Butters: [takes a few steps away from the group] I can't think of anywhere I'd rather be than at the DMV with all you wonderful people. Now let's all pledge Allegiance. [the group turns to face the flag] I pledge allegiance.
Group: To the flag of the United States of America, and to the republic for which it stands, one nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all. [while the group recites the Pledge, the following takes place]
Larry: [walks in and crosses the room towards the group] What the hell is going on here?! This is the DMV! There will be no joy here!
Clerk 3: Uh people keep showing up and telling us what they did wrong.
Customer 2: Hey, I'm just trying to renew my license. How much longer do I gotta wait? [the group finishes the Pledge]
Larry: [faces the customer and points at him] Shut up! Sit there and wait, and no cell phones or other things that pass time joyously! I'll put a stop to this! [walks to the group]
Scene Description: N.S.A. Headquarters, Maryland, day. Cartman pleads his case.
Cartman: Look, I am telling you that you are making a huuuge mistake! Eric Cartman is the NSA's worst nightmare!
Chief Joe: Not according to the Central Computer.
Cartman: The Central Computer is wrong! You need to change his status!
Chief Joe: Sorry, [stands and moves away from his desk] but if Central Computer says he is not a threat, then we can't do anything. [moves through the office]
Cartman: [runsn to catch up with the chief] Can't do anything?? You're the NSA!
Chief Joe: There's 300 million people out there. How do you think we're able to keep track of every single person in the country? How do you think we're able to really know who's doing what?[they reach a pair of thick steel doors]
Cartman: I don't know.
Chief Joe: Alright, I'll show you. But this is very top security stuff, because if people knew how we did it, then everyone would do it. Then our enemies would do it. We can't let our enemies get their hands on this.
Cartman: Get their hands on what? [the chief presses some keys on the keypad next to the doors, and the doors open] Dude... [Santa is shown suspended in midair by a harness. Cables go from Santa to the surrounding wall of computers, and a massive one is attached to his privates. Several techs stand on a platform circling the room, looking at some of the many computers present]
Chief Joe: This is how we know who's a threat and who's not. How we know who's sleeping and who's awake. [Cartman runs away from the entrance, whips out a whistle and starts blowing it] How we know that...
Cartman: You think I'm fat and unimportant now?! [rips off his fake mustache] I AM Eric Cartman! And I've got news for you! This is all being broadcast LIVE on my Twitter Zeppelin, and on Alec Baldwin's new television show, via Shitter!
Scene Description: Alec Baldwin's new show
Alec Baldwin: Hi everybody, and welcome to my new show on MSNBC, "Free Pass with Alec Baldwin"
Cartman: ["Your secret is out, NSA! And now that everyone knows what you're doing to Santa you can kiss your program goodbye!"]
Scene Description: At NSA Headquarters.
Cartman: You should have taken me out when you had the chance. Now everyone knows the truth! And everyone's gonna think I'm superkewl!
Scene Description: Cartman's house, evening. Cartman is weeping in his room at his computer when Liane walks in
Liane: Eric, honey, what's the matter?
Cartman: [through his tears] It didn't work, Mom! I infiltrated the NSA, and I was a whistleblower and I thought everyone would be super-pissed off at what exposed about the government, but nobody cared! Nobody cares if the government is listening in on everything! Nobody cares if Santa Claus is hooked up to a big horrible machiiiine!
Liane: I know that the NSA is torturing Santa, sweetie. But they're keeping us safe.
Cartman: Well now you just sound like everybody eeeelse?! [cries hard now]
Liane: Honey, it's okay.
Cartman: It's not gonna be okay because now I'm a whistleblower, and against my conscience I'm gonna have to hide out in Russiaaaa! [weeps some more]
Liane: No, you don't have to fly to Russia, hon.
Cartman: I do toooo!
Liane: No, it will be fine. How about I make you some hot tea with lemon and codeine?
Cartman: Okaaay. [she walks out and Cartman calms down] I just want hot tea and codeine, no lemon.
Liane: Okay, hon.
Scene Description: Moments later the front door bell rings and Cartman goes to answer it in his bath robe, with cup of tea in hand. He opens the door and Butters is at the landing alone.
Butters: Hello. How would you like to know the Truth?
Cartman: ...The fuck are you talking about, Butters?
Butters: It's time to let go, Eric. Don't you see there's no other way? Just let the government into your heart.
Cartman: [walks away, then stops] It's too late for me, Butters. I have to go to Russia and live with the Commie dwarfs.
Butters: [steps in and approaches Cartman] It's never too late. There's a place where you can start over. [gives him a DMV booklet]
Cartman: What's this?
Butters: Your government doesn't listen in on you to punish you, your government just wants you to be honest about your mistakes.
Cartman: I can be forgiven?
Butters: Yes.
Cartman: For everything bad I've ever done?
Butters: Yes!
Cartman: And then all I have to do is go back to this place every time I do something wrong and admit it and I'm forgiven again?
Butters: That's right.
Cartman: [wipes his forhead and sniffs] Thta's pretty kewl.
Scene Description: The DMV, day. Butters' group is back, and bigger than last time. Carl Weathers is a new member, Craig is a new member, and now someone else is joining. There's an organ playing, giving this a Revival feel. Everyone in the group is moving and clapping.
Butters: We've got a new member today! Eric Cartman, do you love your country?!
Cartman: I do, I love my country!
Butters: Do you pledge allegiance to the Flag?!
Cartman: I pledge it! I pledge the fucking allegiance!
Butters: Hallelujah!
Group: Yaaaaay!
Paul: Do you want us to kick them out of here, Lar?
Larry: No... No, leave them alone. It's a nice change to see people happy here at the DMV. [Organ music fades out] Perhaps we here at the DMV can start changing as well. Perhaps instead of treating people badly we can offer them comfort and hope. Why, the DMV can be a place where people come to get things off their chests. Confess, yes, but also be told that they're worth something in this world! And then, DMVs everywhere can become a place where people feel safe. And when they do something wrong we can offer forgiveness! Don't you see what this could lead to? Don't you see what we could become??
Scene Description: WMZ News 4 Breaking News
News anchor: The DMV was shut down today after rampant allegations of sex with young boys. [in the picture over his shoulder are a bunch of DMV workers in handcuffs being led away by police. Four boys stand together nearby, naked and crying, with their hands over their privates.] The heads of the DMV were arrested and the director stated, quote: Hey, it came with the territory. With the DMV shut down, Americans have been asked to confess all wrongdoings at their nearest post office. [an arm appears and gives the anchorman a sheet of paper, then retracts] We've just received word that the US Postal service has been shut down due to rampant allegations of sex with young boys. It now appears that the only people who can be trusted with confessions and guidance is your local news station. WMZ News will be back in... a young boy.


Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day, Mr. Garrison's classroom. Wendy is presenting her oral report.
Wendy: [reading from her yellow index cards] Unless we come together as a country and realize that refugees from Syria should be considered in need-
Cartman: Boooo! [Wendy looks up and gets angry] Boo, Wendy! Boo, Wendy Testaburger, Boo!
Wendy: [returns to her report] Refugees from Syria should be considered in need of international protection.
Cartman: Boo, Wendy, Boooooo! Boo Wendy.
Wendy: [returns to her report, with her voice clearly getting more annoyed and explicit] The vast majority of refugees from Syria are likely to meet refugee status criteria and issued benefits from-
Cartman: Boooo, Wendy Testaburger, Boooooo! [Wendy lowers her report down to her sidee-] Boo Wendy! Liar!
Wendy: Instead of booing my opinion, why don't you make a constructive argument?!
Cartman: I'm not booing your opinion, I'm booing your report topic. No one even knows what a refewgee is. Boo, booben, boo.
Wendy: Mr. Garrison, can you do something about this, please? [no reaction - he's rather engrossed in the book he's reading] Mr. Garrison?!
Mr. Garrison: [startled] Huh? Oh, oh, Wendy, uhhh, very nicely done. Thank you. Okay, next report, [Wendy looks betrayed] let's have uh, Peter Mullen.
Wendy: [extremely annoyed, goes to her seat] Ugh, Jesus! [Peter walks up and takes her place]
Peter: My report is on the vile and despicable trash that our parents are watching on television. Fellow students: there is a plague of smut on our cable boxes! [whips out a remote control box and presses a button. A projector screen comes down behind him] Shows that feature reenactments of unsolved crimes and spousal homicide! [the screen stops] I'm talking of course about [presses another button and the first image comes up. It's an Investigation Discovery screenshot] murder porn!
Butters: Murder porn?
Cartman: That's more like it.
Peter: According to the Nielsen ratings, viewership in shows like "Cold Case Files," "Dateline: Murder," and "Deadly Affairs" is skyrocketing amongst married couples. The increased viewership has brought about a whole new slew of shows that use graphic sex, and innuendo, to make spousal murder more titillating. Shows like "Southern Fried Homicide," "Sinful Secrets," "On The Case with Paula Zahn." And it's all smut and it's garbage and it's [throws down his index cards] trash! [a few seconds later he clears his throat and gathers up his index cards] Your parents are watching this stuff! Go home and ask them! And as we ask them we must also ask ourselves, "If they're obsessed with this stuff, then how long? How long before one of our daddies dresses up in lingerie and bashes Mommy's head in with a brick?" [the class is speechless with mouths open. Only Cartman claps]
Scene Description: Stan's house, day. Stan comes home from school and walks up the stairs to his room when he hears noises coming out of his parents' room. Sharon is surely enjoying it. Stan, still wearing his backpack, walks up to the bedroom door and listens in. He knocks on the door
Randy: Oh crap, who could that be-?! Oh it's, it's, probably fuckin' Stan! Ah, hang on a second bud. [some low rumbles are heard] Come on in. [Stan goes in. Randy is in his most relaxed pose in bed] Oh hey Stan, what's up? [Stan looks at the TV screen to his right]
Scene Description: TV screen.
Narrator: His wife is having sex with the neighbor. [a couple going at it in bed] And when her husband comes home, [the husband opens the bedroom door, the couple notices and stops.] he wants more than just a divorce. [the husband raises his gun and kills the boyfriend, than the wife. Sharon picks up the remote and switches channels]
Stan: You guys are watchin' murder porn?
Randy: ...Murder porn? Stan, this is just an investigative crime show.
Sharon: Uh adults like documentaries.
Randy: Yes Stan, these are based on real things. This is like news. It's informative. Parents like informative stuff.
Stan: Okaaay. [turns around and walks out. Sharon switches back to the show]
Randy: Oh we missed the murder! Did he cut them up?!
Scene Description: Later that night, in his room, Stan is sleeping. His phone rings and he picks up.
Stan: What's up dude?
Cartman: Dude, do you know Aaron Hagen?
Stan: Uh, yeah, the first grader?
Cartman: You should come down to his house. His dad just killed his mom.
Scene Description: '[Back in Stan's room. Stan looks shocked at what Cartman said through the phone.]'
Stan: What?!
Scene Description: Aaron's house crime scene. Police and ambulance are there, along with a news crew. Aaron is on the front lawn crying, and Stan shows up. The dead mom, who has a large knife jabbed into her head through her right eye, is wheeled out by the paramedics. As they pass by Aaron, he sees his mom's dead body and screams in sheer terror.
Sergeant Yates: Hey that kid should not be seeing this! [Aaron is still crying in despair, while an officer drops a blanket over him so he can't see]
Stan: What happened?
Dad: You're making a mistake! [he is naked and covered with blood, two officers haul him towards a police cruiser, while he struggles] Let me go! It wasn't me, I tell ya! A burglar broke in! He was black! He's the one who stabbed that nagging bitch in her fat face! He was blaaack! [the officers put him in and close the back door. The boys don't believe what they've just seen]
Scene Description: South Park County Community Center, day. A bunch of bicycles cover the parking area and kids can be heard inside. Kyle tries to hold court
Kyle: Guys, guys, I know we're all concerned, but we have to work together!
Red: How is this stuff allowed to stay on the air?!
Clyde: The police found hours and hours of murder porn on the Hagens' DVR. What more proof do we need?!
Butters: I called the networks that are putting this smut out there, and you know what they told me?! They told me if I didn't want my parents watchin', then I should spend more time with them! Like it's my fault!
Wendy: This is the result of a broken society in which profits come before morals!
Cartman: Boooooooooo. Boooo Wendy Testaburger! Boo!
Kyle: Look everybody, I know we all feel our hands are tied, but the fact is, we can do something about this. There's an app which can actually allow kids to block things that their parents watch on television. And it is password-protected with a security code that only a child would know.
Scene Description: The Marsh house, night. The Marshes are in bed watching ID.
Narrator: Tonight at 10, it's a tale of lust, seduction, and murder, on Sexy Betrayals. [a man and woman kiss. He holds a wedding ring in one hand, and a knife in the other] Then at 7, some like their murder with a side of sexy biscuits, [a couple kisses on the front porch, then the girlfriend shots her man point blank in the forehead, smiling] on Southern Fried Homicide. But now, get ready for lust, betrayal and murder, [another couple. The girl stabs the guy through the left eye] on Hot Load Case Files. [a woman is ready to unload on her man and the two other women he's in bed with]
Randy: Oh yeah! [he and Sharon strip down] Three of the best shows in a row!
Sharon: Is the lube over there?
Randy: Yeah, I got lube right here.
Sharon: Well get over here, big guy.
Randy: Yeah-hah! [he moves over to her and they start making out. He leaves the lube near the edge of the bed. A three-tone chime is heard. Randy looks over and reads the screen]
Scene Description: The screen reads: "CONTENT BLOCKED. To unlock, answer the security question: 'How do you tame a horse in Minecraft?'
Randy: What the? [sits up. The lube falls off the bed] What the hell? [tries to change channels, but they all say the same thing. Moments later he's on the phone with his cable service.] Yeah, hi, uhh, we aren't getting our informative murder porn. No, no, none of our channels that have informative murder porn appear to be working. Yeah, the screen just says "How do you tame a horse in Minecraft?" Uhhh yes, we do have children. A what? A parental lock?
Scene Description: Stan's room, night. His door is open. Randy walks into view, wearing only slippers, but stays in the hallway. Because he's naked, he's covering his privates
Randy: Stan. Stan! [Stan wakes up, his eyes half-closed] How do you tame a horse in Minecraft?
Stan: [miffed] What?
Randy: What is Minecraft and how do you tame a horse in it?!
Stan: You guys don't need to be watching that stuff. [closes his eyes]
Randy: Oh come on! You can't block your parents from watching informative murder porn! What? You, you think if we watch shows about married people killing each other all the time we're gonna go out and do it?! That's stupid! [thinking a bit. Stan opens his eyes] I'm not gonna go out and kill your mom just because I watch Investigate Discovery, Stan! It'd be impossible to clear away all the DNA evidence anyway! Even if I hired someone else to kill her, I'd have to kill that person too, because 96% of the time that person eventually tells the truth! I thought this through a lot! [Stan closes his eyes again] Stan? [Stan opens his eyes] You're a lousy kid! I wish Jaden Smith was my son! [goes back to his room. Stan rolls his eyes and goes back to sleep]
Scene Description: Get Cable offices, day. Inside, in the waiting area, is a group of angry, locked-out adults, including Gerald, Stuart, Stephen and Linda, and Mrs. Tweak.
Stephen: Who do out children think they are?! Blocking our TV content?!
Mrs. Tweak: How are they able to do this with their smartphones?
Randy: It's all right. Our kids think they've outsmarted us, but we're the ones who pay the cable company! [Stuart returns from a meeting with the cable company] What'd they say? Can they remove the parental lock?
Stuart: No, they just did their usual cable-company runaround.
Randy: What?! We'll see about this! [storms into the office] Excuse me, our content is being blocked and we need it now!
Cable Guy: I'm sorry sir. If you need it now, perhaps you should switch to another cable company. [tauntingly] Ohhh there's not another cable company, is there? [begins to rub his nipples in circles] Ohhh, that's right, we're the only one in town.
Randy: Look, if our kids can block content, then you must be able to block them!
Cable Guy: As we told the others, sir, we can fix it. We just need to send a technician out to your house to change out your cable box.
Randy: [relieved somewhat] Oh. Well okay, great.
Cable Guy: [begins to process the request on his computer] We'll just need to find a window of time you can be home... How about between the hours of 6 am and 3 pm all of November?
Randy: NO, I can't wait around my house from 6 am to 3 pm all of November!
Cable Guy: [begins to taunt again] Oh, you can't? [begins rubbing his nipples through his shirt] Jeez that's too bad. You need to be home for the technician. Have you thought of switching to DirecTV?
Randy: I can't afford DirecTV.
Cable Guy: Oh, you can't? [rips off some patches covering his nipples off his shirt and begins rubbing his nipples directly] Jeez, that's terrible. Then I guess you just have to work within our time windows. [squeezes his nipples. Randy just glares at him and walks out]
Stephen: Well? Any luck?
Randy: No, just the usual cable-company stuff.
Mrs. Tweak: Oh well, guess we'll just have to live without our informative crime drama.
Stephen: No, screw that! Can't we just learn this Minecraft game so we can get around our kids' parental lock?
Randy: I've tried! It's not like other video games. I really don't get it. It was all retro and like Legos, but, then a bunch of kids online called me a griefer and kicked me off.
Stephen: We can learn, Randy. There's talk of a child. Word is he will teach Minecraft to anybody for the right price.
Scene Description: In front of a kid's house, day. Randy knocks on the door. A boy holding a lollipop answers the door.
Boy: Hello?
Randy: Hi. Corey Lanskin?
Corey: Yes?
Randy: We heard that... you're willing to teach Minecraft to adults?
Corey: Fuck off! [shuts the door on Randy. The adults are stunned and look at each other. Randy knocks on the door again, twice. Corey answers the door again, still suspicious]
Randy: Look, we were told that you were available for hire and we're desperate!
Corey: You was told wrong, mistuh! I'm just a simple kid with a simple passion for simple things!
Randy: We have a hundred ounces of silver. [Stuart leans to his left a bit and shows off a box]
Corey: [looks right, then left, and talks in a serious British accent] Wipe your feet and turn off your cell phones. [goes inside. Randy looks back at the other adults, then wipes his shoes off on the welcome mat and goes in. The other adults wipe their shoes off and go on in.]
Scene Description: Corey's basement, moments later. He's got two long tables in there, with three computers on each table, all loaded up and ready for Minecraft training.
Corey: [pacing back and forth between the tables explaining the game] Next we're going to select an empty world. Selecting an empty world will begin with you being dropped onto a beach. Now you're free to roam around and start punching trees!
Gerald: Punching trees?
Randy: Why, why would we punch trees?
Corey: Just use your fucking brain! How do you get wood? [Randy isn't sure] 'Ow do you get wood?!
Randy: [nervously] Watching informative murder porn?
Corey: NOO NOO, in this Minecraft forest, how do you get wood?!
Randy: Puh, punching trees?
Corey: Riiight. You punch the trees to get the wood, you get the wood to build a cabin.
Randy: Oh, I see. So when does the game start?
Corey: You are playing the game; this is the game!
Randy: ...I don't get it.
Corey: That's because you're thinkin' like a dad. Minecraft, it don't got no winner. It don't got no objective. You just fuckin' build an' shit. And seein' if other things can come and knock it down. Now, let's click on the inventory, and let's filter through the skin!
Randy: Yes ah, I'm getting it now.
Gerald: You are?
Randy: No.
Scene Description: The Marsh house, night. Sharon is in bed looking bored.
Sharon: Randy, it's getting late. Let's just go to sleep.
Randy: [at his computer playing away] I almost got it, Sharon. I found out where the horse is; now I just gotta figure out how to tame one.
Sharon: I'm really not in the mood now anyway.
Randy: Sharon, I miss being intimate with you! Everything was so passionate and then it just... dropped off. I feel like we're losing our bond.
Sharon: We don't have to have sex for our relationship to be good.
Randy: No, I know, but it's like we're just good friends. A marriage has to be more than that! A marriage has to include fulfillment of fantasy and desire sometimes. Magma cube? What the hell is a magma cube?
Sharon: [settling in] Well I'm going to sleep, Randy.
Randy: Okay, I'll wake you up if we get our murder porn back.
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, hallways, day. Stan and Kyle walk down the hall
Jimmy: There he is. Hey Kyle! [arrives with Craig and Tweek] The parental lock isn't working. Our parents are still watching murder porn.
Kyle: What? How do you know?
Tweek: I caught my parents over at Bebe's house watching Sunsets of Homicide. But Bebe got the lock from the cable company!
Craig: It's true. I walked in on my parents watching Marital Murder Mayhem. They broke the parental lock somehow.
Stan: That's impossible. Are you guys sure you set it up right?
Cartman: You guys? [Stan and Kyle turn to face him. He's at the end of the hall] You guys, you'd better get over here.
Stan: What?
Cartman: Butters' dad killed his mom. [Stan and Kyle look at each other in disbelief]
Scene Description: Around the corner, down another hall. Butters is sitting on the floor crying. Around him are Bebe, Wendy, Kenny consoling him, and Cartman. Stan, Kyle, Craig, Tweek, and Jimmy arrive and a few other kids gather around
Stan: Butters, what happened?
Butters: [through his tears] I was out by the lake last night and I saw my dad out in this field. He was harvesting sugarcane. It didn't make any sense because he was trying to harvest the sugarcane with a hammer. I saw him take my mom up to the top of this big... thing he had built, and he yelled "Hey, watch out for the Creepers!" but she fell!
Kyle: Wait... wait, you mean in Minecraft?
Butters: Yeah. And then my dad just went berserk and came over and picked me up and threw me down a well! [Mr. Mackey happens along] I was trapped down there all night!
Mr. Mackey: Butters, your dad threw you down a well?
Stan: In Minecraft.
Mr. Mackey: Well what the hell is that?
Butters: I finally found a ladder and I was able to hoist myself out and there was my dad... frozen in the lake! It was like he had no idea how to swim out of it! Oh God it was so terrible! It was so terrible!
Kyle: [turns left] That's it. [walks a bit] That's how our parents broke the passcode. I never thought anyone would stoop so low!
Stan: Whattaya mean?
Kyle: Someone is teaching our parents Minecraft. [dramatic flourish]
Scene Description: The Marsh house, dawn. Two officers knock on his door. He answers it in his bathrobe
Randy: Yes?
Officer 1: Hello sir, had a little incident last night, wondering if you saw or heard anything?
Randy: No, what happened?
Officer 1: Well, someone broke into your next door neighbor's back yard and they... dug up a bunch of holes and punched his trees.
Randy: Punched his trees, huh?
Officer 1: Yes sir. Then we got a house across the street where someone dug up the yard and... built a cabin.
Randy: Huh. [puts his hands on his hips] That's weird.
Officer 1: What were you doing last night?
Randy: I was just playing Mi- mmmmuh... my banjo.
Officer 2: I play the banjo too.
Officer 1: Well, thanks for your time sir. You might wanna keep the lights on in your yard tonight in case someone tries to build a cabin on it as well.
Randy: Will do, officer. Will... do... [the officers turn and leave]
Scene Description: South Park County Community Center, day. The kids are back inside, clamoring. Kyle is at the podium, and Stan stands next to him
Kyle: Alright, alright, let's calm down! I know we're all concerned here!
Cartman: Concerned?! Thanks to you and your stupid app, parents are still watching murder porn, and now they're screwing up Minecraft too! [the kids clamor for a few seconds]
Craig: I spent three hours last night trying to get Tweek's parents to stop griefing my castle! When I finally got away from them, I found they had taken all my dandelions!
Clyde: Why did we agree to that stupid app?!
Kyle: You know why! Because we're trying to keep our parents from watching murder porn!
Cartman: And why was that?! Because one kid's dad actually went and killed his mom! For all we know, that kid's parents have been doing drugs and cheating on each other for years! Maybe watching murder porn had nothin' to do with it!
Wendy: I have to agree with Cartman. Maybe we overreacted when our parents-
Cartman: Boooooo! Boo Wendy, boooo.
Stan: It's true, dude. Maybe we just need to trust that our parents won't act out what they see. [police sirens are heard]
Officer 3: All right, that's enough. Come on out and there won't be any trouble. [the kids pour out of the rec center and into some bright spotlights.] Give it up, Stotch. You've nowhere to run.
Butters: Huh?
Stephen: I'll never give up! [the kids look up, and the next camera shows a makeshift castle built over the rec center, made of blocks of wood with pictures all over them] I don't even remember doing this! Just leave me alone!
Randy: [steps forward carrying a large hammer] Huhuh. Oh nice one, Stotch! Your castle fuckin' sucks!
Stephen: Aw, go to hell, you griefer!
Cartman: Alright, we've gotta do something.
Scene Description: Corey's house, day. Kyle knocks on Corey's door. Stan, Cartman and Kenny are with him.
Corey: [in a trembling voice] Hello?
Kyle: Corey Lanskin?
Corey: Eh yes?
Kyle: We heard that you might be teaching Minecraft to adults.
Corey: [sucks on his lollipop] Whaaa? What's a, what's a "Minequaf"?
Stan: Look dude, we're trying to keep our parents away from graphic television shows! This could be a matter of life and death!
Corey: Oh no, please don't be angry. My mommy's always angry. "Get back in the meat locker!" "Ouchie ouchie Mommy raped my nono!" But she loves me, right? Mommy loves me?
Kyle: Uh alright, sorry kid. Gue- guess we have the wrong house.
Corey: Ohhhkay. [goes back inside] Bye. [closes the door. The boys turn around and leave, but Cartman stops on the walkway. A few seconds later the other three boys return]
Stan: What, dude?
Cartman: Something he said. Did you hear him? He said "Ouchie ouchie Mommy raped my nono!"
Stan: So?
Cartman: You know, if I'd been caught lying about something, that's exactly what I would have said.
Scene Description: Meanwhile, in Corey's basement, new players at the the computers. Only four of them this time, including Craig's parents and Clyde's father.
Corey: Now that you've built a workbench it's time to build somethin' that will take care of all those fuckin' sheep! [the boys have found the basement and come down the stairs] Just stop thinkin' with your grown-up brains and start usin' your-
Stan: Aha! [the boys reach the floor]
Corey: Oh shit! [the adults quickly leave]
Kenny: (I knew you're up to something!)
Cartman: Son of a bitch! [grabs Corey by the collar] Don't you think there are enough griefers in the world without our parents being shown this stuff?!
Corey: Kids gotta find some way to make a livin', don't 'e?
Stan: You have no idea what this is about, do you?! We were using Minecraft to block our parents from watching spousal homicide shows!
Corey: What? You mean like Investigation Discovery?
Kyle: So you know it.
Corey: Yeah, I've seen that stuff. [Cartman releases him] "'Oo The Bleep Did I Marry?", "True Crime with Aphrodite Jones". Real sick shit. Your parents watch that stuff?
Kyle: We put a stop to it, until YOU taught them Minecraft.
Corey: Your problem ain't with me, mates. Sure, one or two people might act out what they see in video games, but cable television? [takes out a cigarette and lighter and lights up the cigarette, then starts smoking.] People copy everything they see people do on cable. You're goin' about this all wrong. You wanna protect your family? You're gonna have to go fight the cable company.
Scene Description: The cable company, day. The boys walk up to the cable guy
Cable Guy: Hey guys, can I help you?
Kyle: Hello. There are certain networks that we see as harmful to our families, and we want them removed, please.
Cable Guy: [taunting] Ohhh, you don't want cable anymore?
Stan: No no, [whips out a list and reads it] just ID Network, A&E, Oxygen, and Oprah's network. All the ones with murder porn.
Cable Guy: You don't like paying for all the channels? [begins rubbing his nipples through his shirt] Ohh, our company actually packages channels together.
Stan: Look, can you unpackage them so we only get the channels we want?
Cable Guy: Oh I'm sorry. Our company doesn't work that way. [lowers his hands as if to look up something] You want me to give you the number of a different cable company that can- [goes back to rubbing his nipples] Oh wait, we're it, aren't we? [rips off the patches and rubs his nipples again] Dangit, I guess you have to deal with our packages.
Kyle: Can we talk to your supervisor please?!
Cable Guy: Oh, sure. Hey David?
David: [arrives] Hi, is there a problem here? [rips off the patches on his shirt and prepares to rub]
Stan: We want specific networks dropped from our cable.
David: [taunting. Both men are now rubbing their nipples] Ohhh you have to pay for the bundle. You can't just pay for what you wanna watch. Darn it.
Kyle: You mean that we're forced to pay for the Oprah channel?
Cable Guy: I guess if you don't wanna be [lowers his left hand from his nipple so that David starts rubbing it with his right hand. He in turn begins to rub David's right nipple with his left hand] forced to pay for Oprah, you're gonna have to shut off your cable altogether.
Kyle: Fine, [folds his arms over his chest] then we'll shut our cable off altogether!
David: Hey Mitch? When can you get out to shut off some cable boxes?
Mitch: [at his office rubbing his nipples] Oh man, it's gonna be like three weeks. There's a whole plug I have to pull out; it's like four inches long.
David: [now rubbing both of the cable guy's nipples, while the cable guy rubs his left nipple now] Three weeks, huh? Okay, is three weeks from now okay with you guys?
Stan: No, that's way too long!
Cable Guy: Oh it is?
David: Oh Jeez, that's terrible.
Stan: Goddammit, I just don't want my parents to murder each other! [the men stop rubbing] Can't you see that all we're trying to do is keep our families safe? Look, ah I don't know if seeing couples murder each other on television is gonna make my parents do it, and we probably won't be able to stop them from watching what they wanna watch. All we're trying to do is make it a little more difficult for them. Because cable makes is so convenient. Sure, if they didn't have easy access to their murder porn channels, they'd be bummed out, but it's not just our responsibility to give them what they want. Is it?
David: Say... say that last part again?
Stan: What?
David: Well what was the last part you said?
Stan: I said it's not our responsibility to give them what they want.
David: Nono, the part about your parents not getting the channels easily?
Stan: I... said it would really bum them out.
David: How... [he and the cable guy being to rub their nipples again] How much would it bum them out?
Scene Description: A screen read "PLEASE STAND BY FOR AN IMPORTANT MESSAGE"
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, please stand by for an important message from the president of your local cable company.
President: Hello. In an effort to comfort the anguished cries or children everywhere, your local cable company has decided to drop all networks that sexualize spousal homicides from regular programming. Customers still wishing to view true-crime networks will now need to purchase a separate package [pulls back his coat and rips some patches off his dress shirt] which will require a technician to service your cable box every night from 2 to 3 am. and must include the purchase of 300 channels in Portuguese. We realize this may be an inconvenience to you, and we hope you will voice ALL your concerns to us, because at your local cable company the customer is always... our bitch.
Scene Description: The Marsh breakfast nook, morning. Stan is doing some homework at the table. Randy is mad and isn't talking to anyone, and he has his arms crossed over his chest. Sharon is washing dishes
Randy: Jaden Smith lets his parents do whatever they want. You know what? The guys at work, they took a bet on who would win in a fight, you or Jaden Smith, and they all said Jaden Smith could kick your ass! He does movies and he can sing, and he's totally cool to his parents!
Stan: Well then maybe you should go live with Jaden Smith, Dad.
Randy: [gets up angrily from his chair] I wish I could! I wish I could live with Jaden Smith so I could be rich and I wouldn't have to live in a boring sexless marriage where all your mom and I do piss each other off! [Sharon stops washing the dishes and leaves the kitchen. Randy notices and follows her with his eyes] Oh crap.
Scene Description: In the living room. Randy appears at the kitchen doorway
Randy: Sharon, I'm I'm sorry. [approaches her]
Sharon: No, you'r right, Randy. Without any sex we just seem to get madder and madder at each other.
Randy: [puts his arms on her shoulders] No, no, you're right, Sharon. We don't need informative murder porn to find passion in our marriage. We just have to get the spark back. Let's go away somewhere, me and you! Somewhere exciting and beautiful where we can just focus on us.
Scene Description: The world of Minecraft. A high cliff is shown, with a waterfall and mountain goats. At the foot of this cliff is a lake and a park. A fire pit is nearby, lit and roaring. Randy's Minecraft avatar shows up
Randy: Sharon? Heh, hey Sharon, are you here?
Sharon: I'm here, Randy.
Randy: It's beautiful, isn't it? Come on ever here, I built us a fire. Look what I got you. [presents a gem]
Sharon: Diamonds. [takes them] They're beautiful
Randy: Just thought I'd surprise you. And there's more where that came from.
Sharon: I've got a surprise for you too, Randy.
Randy: Oh yeah? What's that? [Sharon whips out an axe and jams it into Randy's forehead] AAAGH! [Randy falls on his side and dies. In real life...] Sharon, what the effing fuck was that?![Sharon is smiling]
Sharon: Sorry. I couldn't resist.
Randy: Jesus, you stuck a pick axe right in my skull!
Sharon: Oh I did! That felt really great.
Randy: Felt great?
Sharon: [getting sensuous] Yeah...
Randy: Well, hold on, stay by the lake. I wanna kill you now.
Sharon: Okay. [hours later, Stan comes home from school. He comes up the stairs wearing his backpack and hears his parents having a good time in their room. He walks over and goes in without knocking] Oh my God, you put that sword right through my face!
Randy: That felt so good!
Sharon: My turn again.
Randy: Okay, hang on.
Sharon: I've always thought about murdering you in your sleep. Can you go to the cabin and get in bed?
Randy: Yeah, okay, I'm headin' there now.
Sharon: You lazy jerk! You never do anything around the house! [CHUNK!]
Randy: OH! Ohoho, you bitch! [Stan looks down, then turns around and walks out] Ohohunh.
Sharon: Oh I love you, Randy.
Randy: I love you too babe. [CHUNK! She got him again] OH!


Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day, the school halls. Token is at his locker switching books when Cartman comes 'round the corner
Cartman: Hey Token! [walks up to Token] What's up, bro?
Token: Nothing.
Cartman: "Nothin'" Me neither. Nothin's goin' on. Sucks. [sniffs] Everything good with you?
Token: Yeah.
Cartman: Sweet. [Jimmy walks over and Cartman notices him] Hey Jimmy, what are you doin'?
Jimmy: Uh, I'm just gettin' ready for cla-
Cartman: Yeah, I'm just hangin' out with Token. Did you know that if it wasn't for African-Americans, we wouldn't have Rock & Roll? So cool that we have a black President. [Jimmy walks away and Token is done at his locker] About time. [Stan and Kyle stop to watch]
Stan: Is he doing it again?
Kyle: He's doing it a-gain.
Cartman: Dude, um, what are doing after school, Token? You wanna, you wanna hang out? [Token puts one last book in before closing his locker]
Token: I uhhh, have band practice.
Cartman: God you are sooo cool. Alright bro, I'll catch you at recess. [makes a fist with his left hand and straightens out his arm toward Token] Fist bump. Fist bump, bro. [Token reluctantly makes a fist with his right hand and bumps Cartman's fist with it. He leaves, and Cartman moves on in a happy mood, stopping by Stan and Kyle]
Stan: Cartman, are you feeling alright?
Cartman: Yeah, I feel great. Why? [looks back] You think something's wrong? [moves on, not smiling]
Scene Description: Herbert Garrison's classroom, later in the day. He's teaching about the French Revolution by way of Les Misérables, on the chalkboard.
Herbert Garrison: Alright, now the French Revolution was basically started by a young man named Marius. [underlines the name], who only knew Jean Valjean as an older man, and uh- [Cartman interrupts him with a grunt] ...uh, the French government at the time was led by Javert, who was trying to-
Cartman: Mister! [Herbert Garrison turns around] No! Stop, Token, stop! My brains! Stop eating my brains! Brad Pitt! [wakes up violently and looks bewildered. Token is stunned, and Herbert Garrison, with his arms crossed, is not pleased.] Hey Token. What's up, bro? [makes a fist and extends it towards Cartman] Fist bump? [Token is unmoved and upset]
Scene Description: Moments later, at Mr. Mackey's office...
Mr. Mackey: Eric, somethin' is clearly wrong, m'kay, and it would be best to jus' get it out in the open.
Cartman: It's Token. I think he's a ticking time bomb.
Mr. Mackey: And why do you think Token is a tickin' time bomb?
Cartman: He's pissed off. Because of something that happened a long time ago but he won't forget.
Mr. Mackey: Do you think he blames you for somethin'?
Cartman: But it wasn't me, it wasn't my fault!
Mr. Mackey: Wull have you, thought about maybe writin' your feelin's down? In a poem? Uh- write a poem and give that to, g-give that to Token?
Cartman: No, it's too gay. It would only make things worse.
Mr. Mackey: Well Eric, you need to do somethin' because you keep losing sleep. M'kay and sleep is very important to your success at school. M'kay?
Cartman: M'kay. Ahah-I'll be m'kay.
Mr. Mackey: M'kay, you sure? Because I'm here when you need me.
Cartman: M'kay.
Scene Description: Cartman's room, night. He's having nightmares.
Cartman: No, Token! Leave Brad Pitt alone! Brad Pitt is fighting zombies! No ah Token, Token!
Scene Description: Cartman's dream, morning. He voices all the characters in it. A family is seated in a breakfast nook in a kitchen. The girls are giggling.
Karin: [serving pancakes] Eat your breakfast, girls. [turns around to put the pan back on the stove]
Rachel: Where's Daddy?
Karin: You can eat without your father in the room. Now hurry. [the girls giggle and the older one notices someone]
Rachel: Daddy!
Gerry: Good morning, girls. [walks in fully dressed, with a cup of coffee already in hand.] Save Daddy any pancakes? Look at that? Six A.M. and my family is already smiling. [Karin walks over and kisses him]
Karin: How did I get such a perfect husband?
Gerry: How did I get such a beautiful wife?
Rachel: I love you, Dad.
Gerry: I love you too, Princess. I love both of you, equally.
Karin: Nothing can ever go wrong, so long as we all have each other.
Scene Description: News report inside the dream. Gerry turns around to see the TV
Reporter: Today apparently will be the day! CNN has just received word that a verdict in the George Zimmerman trial is expected to come at any moment! Zimmerman is accused of shooting Trayvon Martin, and a jury will now decide his fate.
Constance: Daddy, who is Trayvon Martin?
Gerry: [turns around] Nobody. L-let's just get you girls to school.
Scene Description: Cartman's dream, downtown, some minutes later. He's on a one-way street with a bunch of other cars all trying to move, but stuck. Somehow, the family remains chipper
Gerry: Is it bigger than a bread box?
Rachel: What's a bread box, Dad?
Constance: Heehee, Dad is so kewl.
Karin: You can say that again.
Gerry: [getting worried] Why aren't we moving? What's gong on? [turns on the radio to 106.7 FM and Michael Bublé's "It's A Beautiful Day" comes out of the speakers. The family sways along to the beat. A news report comes on the air]
Reporter: We interrupt this cool song for a news bulletin. A verdict has just been handed down in the case of George Zimmerman. In a shocking turn of events, the jury has found George Zimmerman not guilty!
Gerry: Oh my God. [fleeing white people run by his car, quickly overtaken by pissed-off black people]
Reporter: Many African-Americans are outraged by the verdict, and they are most likely about to go totally nanners. [some of them surround the car. One of them punches a window and cracks it, a second cracks the passenger window with his head, a third crawls up on the hood and breaks the windshield with his head, sticking his head inside the car]
Gerry: AAAAAH!
Protester: Fuck you, Brad Pitt!
Gerry: Let's bail! [steps on the gas and runs over a protester, ripping him to shreds. His car runs into another car and the protester on his hood flies off.] Everyone get out of the car! Go! [the family gets out and runs through the rioting crowd. They climb up a fire escape and onto the roof of a building, then look down over the riot. What they see is amazing: African-Americans converge and climb the side of the building in a great mass of humanity. Some of them fall back towards the street, but the mass gets closer and closer to the roof] Oh my god RUN! [they turn left and come face to face with... Token] WAAH! Token. No, Token, we had nothing to do with this. I know you're pissed off, but but be reasonable!
Token: Fuck you, Brad Pitt!
Gerry: No! Nonono! [Token lunges at him] Nooo! [Cartman wakes up, touches himself to make sure he's there, and chuckles nervously]
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day, the school halls. Token is at his locker switching books when Cartman comes 'round the corner. This time, he looks beat and walks slowly. He sees Token and walks towards him. He didn't get much sleep, and he sounds it
Cartman: Hey Token? How are you doing?
Token: I'm good.
Cartman: That's awesome. I'm so stoked that we're best friends. [puts his left fist forward] Fist bump. [leans to his left a little] Fist bump. [Token closes his locker and hurries away]
Scene Description: Mr. Garrison's classroom, later in the day. Cartman is having nightmares again.
Cartman: No! My wife, Token! Token, that's my wife!
Token: Okay, really?
Cartman: No Token! Stop beating my daughter! NOOO! [wakes up]
Scene Description: Mr. Mackey's office, some minutes later.
Mr. Mackey: Now Eric, whatever it is you and Token are going through, you need to talk through it, m'kay? The problems you two are havin' have become a distraction for everybody else. Agreed?
Cartman: Agreed.
Mr. Mackey: Okay. Token, come on in, please. [the door opens and Token walks in, closing it behind him. Token takes a seat next to Cartman]
Cartman: Hoh boy, here we go.
Mr. Mackey: Token, I've been talkin' with Eric and he's really upset that you two aren't gettin' along. You have some things you wanna say, Eric?
Cartman: [after a few seconds] Token, I wasn't on that jury. Okay?
Token: ...What jury?
Cartman: This grudge that you're holding against an entire group of people should be directed at just a few, not at me.
Mr. Mackey: Okay Token, what are your feelings about that?
Token: [looks at Eric for a few seconds, then answers] I don't know what to say.
Cartman: I wrote a poem. Is it okay if I read my poem? [pulls out his poem and begins] It's called "I Was Not The Bullet." [clears his throat] I was not the bullet. I was not the gun. I was not the juror that set the shooter free. I was not the trigger. I was not the hate. Nor was I the judge, but still, you judge me? I was not the black family mourning for the dead. "Oooo, somebody shot our children. Lordy, what we do now?" I was not the verdict.
Token: This isn't a poem. It doesn't even rhyme.
Cartman: It's going to rhyme, Token, just hold on. I was not the shooter. I was not the gun. So Token, you should be cool while we're all here at school. [folds his poem up and puts it away.]
Token: Can I go back to class now?
Mr. Mackey: Eric, do you feel better about all this?
Cartman: Yeah, yeah I do. I think we really had a breakthrough here.
Mr. Mackey: Okay, thanks Token. [Token gets up and leaves the office]
Cartman: It's gonna be okay. I think we're all safe now.
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day, the gym. The students are assembled there. The cheerleaders take the court. Among them is Lorraine, who has previously been mocked for her clothes
Cheerleaders: We are Cows, proud and true! Come on, South Park, moo moo moo! Goooo Cows!
Principal Victoria: Ooookay, thank you, cheerleaders. That was very nice. Ahhh, next we have a student who would like to perform an original rap song, [Nicole sits down next to Token] based on his award-winning poem, "I Was Not The Bullet," with backup music by Butters Stotch. [Butters walks up, takes the mic, and starts beatboxing. Cartman walks up and starts rapping]
Cartman (Butters): Black or white, it's alright. Black or white, let's not fight. I was not the bullet. I was not the gun. I was not the jury, so don't blame me, son! James my man was wrong (It's not our fault). James my man was wrong (It's not Eric's fault). Black or white, it's alright. Black or white, let's not fight. White people say Ho-oh!
The kids: Ho-oh.
Cartman: Black people say He-ey! [Token and Nicole stay quiet] Cool. White people say Ho ho! [Token and Nicole begin to get mad]
The kids: Ho ho!
Cartman: Black people say Hey hey hey! [no reply] Uh oh, I think the white people are winning! White people got you beat, black people; you'd better represent! Let me hear you say "I don't blame the white people. No no no!"
Token: [stands up in defiance] Alright, that's enough! [Butters stops and looks, then gets dismayed] You think I should feel bad for you because of the Trayvon Martin verdict?!
Cartman: Token, calm down.
Token: What the hell is wrong with you?! Why are you all here listening to this?!
Cartman: Oh God here it comes! Get down everybody! Get down now! [throws his mic down and runs off]
Scene Description: The neighborhood. Cartman runs into view, rounds the corner and runs towards home
Cartman: Clear the streets! Everyone clear the streets! We've gotta get the fuck out of here! [runs inside his house] Mom it's starting! We've gotta go! [runs up to his room and opens a drawer. He rifles through it looking for something] Come on, come on! [finds a red safety box with "BRAD PITT SURVIVAL GEAR" printed on the lid and on the panel under the clasp. He opens it and pulls out a gun and a Brad Pitt costume. He puts the costume on, takes the gun, and runs out into the street] Come on, we've gotta move! It's spreading! Let's go! [nearby, a couple is on their front lawn. The man is trimming bushes while his wife is shoveling snow by the front door.]
Woman: Does that little boy have a gun?
Man: Get inside. [drops his shears and heads for the door]
Woman: But-
Man: Get inside! [they both go inside. Cartman crosses the stret and a car almost runs him over, but he sidesteps the car and holds his gun out. The car stops and he gets inside]
Cartman: [frantically] Driiive! You've gotta driiive! Nooow!
Nelly's mom: What's going on?!
Cartman: Get to an airport!
Nelly's mom: An airport?! But...?
Cartman: We've got about ten minutes before this entire country is up in flames! If you wanna live, you'd better step on the gas! Oh wait, is this a Tesla? Shit! Well press on the prissy pedal! We're gonna die!! [she presses the pedal and takes off]
Scene Description: The airport, later.
Announcer: Now calling rows 10 through 30 for boarding.
Cartman: The outbreak has started! We've gotta get the fuck out of here! [enters the tunnel]
Passenger 1: An outbreak? [covers his mouth with his sweater]
Passenger 2: Which one?
Cartman: Get on the flight! Let's move! Let's go go go go! [Nelly's Mom rushes into the plane. Three black security guards appear] Oh my God! [closes the plane's door and locks it. The guards try to get in, but Cartman holds the handle down with all his might]
Pilot: My God, what's going on out there?
Cartman: The outbreak's starting! Fly the plane now! [the plane takes off moments later]
Scene Description: The airplane, now in the air and safe to walk around in
Co-pilot: Maybe now you can tell us what the hell is going on?!
Cartman: The e-... The end of the world? We've got one shot and one shot only and that's to find a place where the contagion won't reach us!
Passenger 3: What contagion? My wife didn't get on the plane. [to the copilot] Take this plane back to Denver!
Cartman: You don't understand. There's no Denver left to go back to! [the passengers all take their seats.]
Scene Description: The control tower. Everyone there is running around trying to figure out how a plane got off without authorization
Captain: Alright what the hell is going on here?!
Worker 1: We don't know anything. First there was talk of a hijacking, then reports of an outbreak of some kind.
Worker 2: Confirmed report of panic in a rural town in the Colorado Rockies!
Worker 3: Sir, the pilot of flight 82 wants an update. They're asking permission to land.
Captain: Stall them. I don't want that plane landing anywhere until we know what the hell we're dealing with!
Worker 4: [walks up with a book] Sir, you'd better look at this. This was found in the airport lavatory. It seems to be a survival guide of some kind.
Captain: Survival of what?
Worker 4: From the looks of it, a contagion outbreak of the worst kind. [the book shows a page of black zombies attacking everyone else]
Captain: Oh my God.
Pilot: DA43 to tower, please advise! [hangs up the mic] Damnit! They aren't telling me anything!
Co-pilot: Do you think it's a virus?
Pilot: Virus, bacteria, either way we're all dead! Find out if he thinks it's safe to land in Los Angeles.
Co-pilot: What about Los Angeles? Can we take the plane to Los Angeles?
Cartman: Not a chance. By now most of the urban cities will be compromised. This whole things from city to city. We need to go somewhere the trend won't take hold. Like Iceland. [points to the island on a map.]
Co-pilot: This plane won't make it to Iceland!
Passenger 3: You got a better idea, asshole?!
Cartman: Everyone quiet! I have to think!
Nelly's mom: Yes, let him think!
Cartman: I can't think here. I need a magazine and a toilet. [heads off to the restroom. He sees the "vacant" sign and opens the door, only to see a black man on the toilet]
Occupant: Oh, I'm just finishing up.
Cartman: Nah! [shuts the door and jumps back, then throws everything he can at the door so the occupant can't exit]
Occupant: Hey!
Cartman: [running back to his seat] One of them is in the back!
Nelly's mom: What?!
Passenger 3: What do you mean?!
Co-pilot: Everyone just calm down! We have to stay in control! [the occupant is still trying to get out, and everyone on the plane faces the lavatory door. The occupant begins to grunt and growl]
Passenger 4: [at one of the doors] I won't become one of them! [forces it open. It rips away, and he flies out. Other things fly out behind them. The other passengers and crew hang on for dear life. The occupant finally exits the lavatory]
Co-pilot: Shoot it! [instead of waiting for Cartman to shoot the occupant, he takes Cartman's gun and shoots him. The occupant ducks and the bullet ricochets a few times. It hits the ceiling, which causes an explosion.]
Scene Description: South Park Elementary playground, day. Butters is skipping rope with a bunch of girls while Stan and Kyle play catch the football with some other guys
Girls: Engine engine #9 running down Chicago Line, if the train should jump the track do you want your money back? [the plane appears and only Stan notices it falling to its doom]
Butters: Yes.
Girls: Y-E-S spells yes- [the plane hits a mountain top, then breaks apart as it goes down the mountain.]
Scene Description: Mr. Mackey's office, some time later
Mr. Mackey: Now, Token, what you need to understand, m'kay, is that a school assembly is not the time and the place to be yellin' and causin' distractions. M'kay? If there's somebody causin' you problems, then we don't disrupt the assembly, m'kay. You come and you talk to me.
Token: He's just out looking for trouble.
Mr. Mackey: Well that's your side of it, Token, but you know Eric has his side as well. Have you thought about maybe writin' him a poem? M'kay? Write E- write Eric a poem, tell him how you feel. [smoke from the plane crash rises behind the mountains] You know, m'kay? Well I'm tellin' you, Token, you let it go, and he'll let it go, and it'll all be fine. Can ya?
Scene Description: The crash site. Cartman comes to and leaves the wreckage. Nelly's Mom is nearby, and she's calling someone
Nelly's mom: No, the plane crashed. We're in the Colorado mountains somewhere. [the call drops] Matt? Matt?! [notices Cartman and walks up to him to explain] My husband. He said the outbreak was all over the news, but everything was totally fine where he was.
Cartman: Totally fine? Then it hasn't happened yet. Oh my God, we still have time!
Pilot: [barely alive] Help! Help me! [Cartman runs up to him] Please, I have two little girls in Chicago. Please find them!
Cartman: It's okay. We have reason to believe it hasn't spread yet.
Pilot: Then you have to stop it.
Nelly's mom: Yes!
Pilot: And there must be... a Patient Zero... The person it all starts from.
Cartman: His name is Token.
Nelly's mom: We have to kill him, before he infects everyone else!
Cartman: I won't do it! He used to be my friend!
Pilot: You have to! You have to be strong. If you can stop this- if you can save the world- then you have to do it. [coughs up blood] Promise me! Promise... me!
Cartman: [sighs] Alright. I promise. I won't let the black people riot and destroy the world.
Pilot: Thank you-wait, what? [sits up, but dies a few seconds later]
Nelly's mom: Oh my God! Oh my God!
Cartman: We're gonna live through this! Do you hear me?!
Nelly's mom: Yes!
Cartman: [takes her hand] Come on! [they leave the crash site]
Scene Description: Butters' house, day. He's watching TV from the sofa
Reporter: First, a wave of 911 calls about a virus, and now a plane has apparently gone down in the Colorado Rocky Mountains. Is this the beginning of the end?
Butters: Oh boy! Zombie apocalypse!
Reporter: The government is looking for a Patient Zero, going only off of this sketch which was found in a notebook at the airport. [Butters suddenly recognizes the person in the picture] Anyone with information regarding Patient Zero is asked to contact the authorities immediately.
Butters: Holy Moly.
Scene Description: Jimbo's Guns, day. Cartman and Nelly's Mom reach it and go inside. Cartamn closes the door
Jimbo: Can I help you?
Cartman: Stay by the window! Tell me if anything changes! [walks up to the counter] I need something that can shoot with complete accuracy from a distance.
Jimbo: Alright, you want a rifle! [turns around and takes a rifle from the wall, then turns back and hands it to Cartman] well, like this .22 caliber. [Cartman looks it over, and Jimbo puts his hand on his hip] What is it you intend to shoot?
Cartman: A person. [Nelly's Mom looks around]
Jimbo: ...You mean a person who's threatening you?
Cartman: Threatening all of us!
Nelly's mom: Please, please hurry! It's important!
Jimbo: Well, you should be fine so long as the person breaks into your house and is an immediate threat to you.
Cartman: What?! How am I supposed to get a person to break into my house?!
Jimbo: You can't shoot someone who threatens you just out on the street. Well unless of course you're in a state that has a "stand your ground" law.
Cartman: Stand my ground?
Nelly's mom: Please! We're running out of time!
Jimbo: See now with a "stand your ground" law, you could legally shoot somebody that's threatening you whether they're in your house or not.
Cartman: Yes yes, that's what I need! I'll take that!
Jimbo: No, no, see, you've gotta be IN a state with a "stand your ground" law, like Florida.
Cartman: [walks away from the counter] This is hopeless. How am I supposed to shoot Token with all these stupid rules?! [his eyes light up] Wait a minute. I can't shoot Token, [turns around] but I can shoot anyone I want in Florida?
Jimbo: So long as they're threatening you.
Nelly's mom: What?! What is it, please?! Hurry, my husband might still be alive!
Cartman: The other way to stop the outbreak. Token isn't the only Patient Zero. The outbreak won't happen if... we shoot George Zimmerman. We have to get to Florida!
Scene Description: Cartman and Nelly's Mom are back at Denver Airport, and the sequence of events from the first plane crash repeat themselves here: Cartman and Nelly's Mom run into the airplane
Cartman: Let's go, let's go! Let's move move move move! Let's go![the plane takes off. Once in the air...] Find the closest airport in Florida! [injects himself with something]
Flight Attendant: This plane is going to Baltimore.
Cartman: If we don't get to Florida there's not going to be a Baltimore left! [everyone sits down] Black guy in the back! [the plane crashes into the Everglades. Cartman and Nelly's Mom make it out of the wreckage] Alight, now let's find Zimmerman.
Scene Description: Florida, evening. A weather-beaten yellow truck crashes into a state sign. Cartman and Nelly's Mom get out and meet behind the truck bed. Cartman opens up his bag.
Cartman: Put this on. We have to stay hidden from here out. [hands her a black sweater, which she puts on as she walks onto the roadway]
Nelly's mom: What are we going to do?
Cartman: I'm going to flush out Patient Zero. And you're gonna shoot him. It's the only way.
Nelly's mom: What if he attacks us first?
Cartman: Don't worry, nobody can see us wearing black.
Nelly's mom: I haven't had the time to thank you, for doing what you've d- [a Moov-It truck slams into her and carries her body away. Cartman is confused]
Scene Description: Florida, day. The camera pans down and lands on the Zimmerman residence. A family is seated in the breakfast nook in the kitchen. The girls are giggling.
Mrs. Zimmerman: [serving pancakes] Eat your breakfast, girls. [turns around to put the pan back on the stove]
Older daughter: Where's Daddy?
Mrs. Zimmerman: You can eat without your father in the room. Now hurry. [the girls giggle and the older one notices someone]
Older daughter: Daddy!
George Zimmerman: Good morning, girls. [walks in fully dressed, with a cup of coffee already in hand.] Save Daddy any pancakes? Look at that? Six A.M. and my family is already smiling. [Mom walks over and kisses him]
Mrs. Zimmerman: How did I get such a perfect husband, George Zimmerman?
George Zimmerman: And how did I get such a beautiful wife?
Older daughter: I love you, Dad.
George Zimmerman: I love you too, Princess. I love both of you, equally.
Mrs. Zimmerman: Nothing can ever go wrong, so long as we all have each other.
Reporter: [on TV] Is there any hope for stopping the zombie apocalypse? [George Zimmerman turns around to see the news] CNN has just received word that the government has learned the identity of Patient Zero. [the drawing of Token is shown] The nine year old threat to humanity has been tracked down, and measures are being taken to stop him.
Younger daughter: Daddy, what's a Patient Zero? [a knock is heard at the front door. George Zimmerman turns left and walks to the front door. He opens it and two federal agents face him]
Agent 1: Hello, Mr. Zimmerman. Your country needs you.
George Zimmerman: What do you need from me?
Agent 1: We... [holds up a photo of Token] need you to shoot a young African-American for us.
George Zimmerman: [turns and walks away] I gave that up.
Agent 2: You're the best, Zimmerman. We just need you to do it one more time, for the security of the world!
George Zimmerman: Damnit, I have a wife and kids now.
Agent 1: Then do it for your family! [Cartman appears on the sidewalk, wearing black face paint and a black sweater] This is about protecting people, Zimmerman! Keeping our streets safe so that our children are free to go out... [his voice trails off as Zimmerman focuses on something else]
George Zimmerman: Something's wrong. [quickly turns around and sees the stranger] Look out! [grabs the gun from one of the agent and fires it twice. Cartman's arm gets hit by a bullet and he falls to the ground]
Agent 1: My God, I didn't even see him. [the other agent walks over to the body]
Agent 2: Nice work, Zimmerman. [George turns and walks over to his family]
George Zimmerman: Are you guys okay?
Older daughter: What was that, Daddy?
George Zimmerman: More needless violence.
Agent 1: Nonsense, you did what you had to. You're a hero.
George Zimmerman: That may be true, but I'll have to live with this the rest of my life. Even though I'll be walking around a free man.
Agent 2: [notices the paint coming off Cartman's face] Hey, wait a minute. This kid isn't black, he's white.
George Zimmerman: Wait, what?
Scene Description: A courtroom. This is a speedy trial. The judge announces his decision with two blows of the gavel
Judge: Guilty!
Scene Description: The electic chair. George Zimmerman is tied down to it and the operator brings the switch down for three seconds, then raises it. He lowers it again for two seconds and raises it. Then he does this three times more for a fraction of a second each, then a final time for half a second.
Scene Description: A news report
Reporter: The zombie apocalypse... is over. All the panic, crashing planes and chaos appear to have, for some reason, died with George Zimmerman. And as for the little boy who was so mercilessly gunned down? [a picture of Cartman smiling appears, his left shoulder in a bandage, his right hand giving a thumbs up] Although he survived the shooting, his wishes are to remain anonymous, giving the hospital only the nickname... "Brad Pitt." ...But cooler.
Scene Description: At one of the boys' homes. Eight of them are sitting around watching the news: Clyde, Kyle, Stan, and Craig on the sofa; Jimmy, Kenny and Butters in front of Clyde, and Token sitting by himself near Craig.
Stan: That sure wasn't much of a zombie apocalypse.
Kyle: Yeah, that sucked.
Butters: Well, at least I'll bet Token's glad it's over with. Aren't you, Token? [Token just stands up, looks at the other guys, and walks out. Butters' smile fades]
Scene Description: On the street, day. Cartman is in the distance, looking at Token. Token notices and faces him
Cartman: Hey Token. ...Sup bro? ...How's it goin' dude? I know how it feels now.
Token: You made everyone think I'm a fucking Patient Zero!
Cartman: Dude, I'm saying I'm sorry.
Token: So what?!
Cartman: Uh oh. [brings forth a can of red spray paint and paints a red circle around himself in the middle of the street] Sounds like you're still angry, Token.
Token: Fuck you!
Cartman: Alright Token, come on! This is ridiculous. I know you totally wanna kick my ass right now. You'd like to walk right up and punch me in the face, but what's that gonna solve? I've got a way better idea. [makes a fist with his right hand and puts it forth] First bump? [Token stays put] Come on dude, fist bump. Bump that shit bro. Be the bigger person. [Token walks up to the red circle, then bends forward and offers his left fist. Then he steps into the circle and Cartman quickly shoots him]
Token: Oh! [falls on his face]
Cartman: That was, he was on my ground. You all saw that, right? Everything inside the red line is mine. [drags Token's body into the circle] Inside the red line is, that's- that's my ground. He was on it. [smiles when no one answers.]
Scene Description: Cartman's dream, day. He's sailing off in his Brad Pitt costume, with his dream family looking on from shore.
Gerry's Daughters: Daddy!
Gerry: We're safe, girls! Daddy did it!
Scene Description: Mr. Garrison's class, day. Token is absent. Cartman wakes up screaming... during class. Mr. Garrison crosses his arms again
Cartman: Ugh! Oh man. The ending to that movie was so terrible.
Kyle: You're having nightmares about the ending to World War Z again?
Cartman: Yeah. So bad.
Kyle: That's what bothering you? Not the fact that you're a murderer?
Cartman: Jury found me innocent, Kyle!
Kyle: You're a murderer.
Cartman: You interrupt people when they talk.
Mr. Mackey: [over the PA system] Eric Cartman to the counselor's office please.
Cartman: Oh man! [walks out of the room]
Scene Description: Mr. Mackey's office, moments later. Cartman walks in. Token and Cartman immediately notice each other
Cartman: Oh boy.
Mr. Mackey: Have a seat, Eric. Now boys, I for one am sick and tired of this little feud you're having, okay? This has clearly gone too far, and you owe each other an apology or you're gettin' detention!
Token: An apology?! He shot me!
Mr. Mackey: Well he was technically standing his ground, Token.
Cartman: Yeah Token, that's the law! Everything inside the red line is lava.
Token: [stands on his chair] Well it's a pretty fucking stupid law!
Cartman: Token, calm down.
Token: And why does standing your ground not apply to fucking white people?!
Cartman: Oh God, here we go again! [runs out of the office in a panic]