Scene Description: Wheel of Fortune. The graphics roll by
Announcer: And now back to Wheel of Fortune!
Scene Description: The camera closes in on Randy, who's got his hands clenched, his thumbs up, and a big grin on his face. He pumps his fists softly. A new car waits behind him to win it
Pat Sajak: All right, Randy, congratulations on making it all the way to the bonus round!
Randy: Thanks, Pat!
Pat Sajak: You've got some family here watching tonight. [a shot of Sharon, Shelly, and Stan in the audience. Sharon waves, then claps. Stan waves]
Randy: Yeah, they're all rooting for me.
Pat Sajak: And I'm sure you have lots of friends watching back home?
Scene Description: The town bar. A crowd has gathered to watch the show. Kyle and Ike are there with their parents, Butters is there with his
Randy: Yeah. Hi, everybody watching in South Park!
Jimbo: That's us!
Stephen: Hehey! [both thumbs up]
Man 1: [amid other chatter, voice only] Hey Randy!
Jimbo: Good luck!
Scene Description: Back to the studio.
Pat Sajak: Well let's see if you can't make everyone proud. The category is [the words appear onscreen as Vanna White gets ready to turn the letters on the board] People Who Annoy You.
Randy: Okay. [deep exhale]
Pat Sajak: As always, we give you the letters R, T, S, L, and E. [Some of the letters light up blue and Vanna turns them around: ERS] We just need three more consonants, and a vowel.
Randy: Okay I'd like a B, an N, and a G.
Pat Sajak: And a vowel?
Randy: [quickly crosses his fingers in both hands and grits his teeth] An O please.
Pat Sajak: Okay, well, looks like you're gonna get a lot of help here. [more letters light up blue and Vanna turns them around. Randy claps softly] The category is People Who Annoy You. [the letters are NGG, but no O: N_GGERS. Randy stops clapping] Audience, keep quiet, please. [the white people in the audience are shocked and terrified while the black people are angry and glaring at Randy. One of the cameramen peeks out from behind the camera - he's black]
Randy: Uh... Well, uh...
Pat Sajak: Ten seconds, Mr. Marsh.
Randy: I know it but I don't think I should say it.
Pat Sajak: Five seconds, Mr. Marsh.
Randy: Oh all right uh, I'd like to solve the puzzle! [beat] Ni**ers! [the audience is stone quiet. Randy gets the buzzer for the wrong answer and drops his arms.] Huh? [Vanna goes to turn the last letter around - A - then walks back to her post and looks at the ground] Ohhh...
Stan: [covers his eyes] Ooooh. [Sharon and Shelly are stunned]
Randy: [subdued] Oh naggers. Of course, naggers. [sheepish grin] Right.
Pat Sajak: [awkwardly] Uhh, can we cut to a... [back at the bar in South Park] Can we cut to a- [the station goes off the air. The bar patrons are confused]
Scene Description: On the road back home. Stan still has his hand over his eyes. Sharon has her eyes closed and her head in her right hand
Randy: [sniffs, then] Well, gave it my best shot. Least we had a fun trip, huh, gang?
Sharon: I can't believe you said the N-word on national television!
Randy: Wha?! Well what was I supposed to do, Sharon? I thought I was gonna make $30,000! Stanley, the only reason Daddy used that word is that he thought he would win money.
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, morning. The kids arrive at school.
Scene Description: South Park Elementary hallway. Stan, Kyle, Cartman and Kenny walk into view.
Kyle: Dude, did your dad know that the show was being broadcast live?
Cartman: Dude, that was the funniest thing I've ever seen! I watched it on YouTube about sixty times!
Stan: Can we just drop this, please? I don't wanna talk about it!
Cartman: Yeah, well, it's not us you have to worry about. It's Token. [points at the camera. Dramatic music swells. The camera then looks at Token, who's putting some books into his locker] He is gonna wanna kick your cracker teeth in.
Stan: No, he's not. [looks at Kyle] Is he?
Kyle: I don't know.
Stan: I just need to explain things. [walks up to Token, who's finished with the locker and holds only a binder in his right hand] Hey Token. Look, I don't know if you saw Wheel of Fortune last night, but-
Token: Yeah, I was watching with my whole family. And then we saw all the replays this morning on the news.
Stan: Listen, Token, my dad isn't a racist. He's just stupid, all right? He just blurted out the N-word, and it's no big deal, okay?
Token: Uh, well, actually it is kind of a big deal, Stan.
Cartman: Ohhhhhhhh?
Token: It may be a mistake, but you don't understand how it feels when that word comes up. So don't say it isn't a big deal.
Cartman: Oh, shit, here we go! [gets really excited and cuts in between them, yelling] It's on! Race war! [goes back and yells at one end of the hall] Race war! Race war! [comes back again and yells at the other end of the hall] Race war is on, everybody! It's going down! Shit is going down! [returns, just itching to see Stan and Token fight]
Stan: Token, my dad wasn't trying to be offensive. Just forget about it.
Token: That's easy for you to say, Stan.
Cartman: [softly] Yeah, come on! Here we go!
Stan: Yeah, but he didn't say it in anger or anything like that.
Token: That doesn't mean I can just be fine.
Cartman: [softly] Race war! Come on! Race war!
Token: If you really think it's not a big deal, then you really are ignorant. That's all. I'm not fighting anybody. [turns left and walks away]
Cartman: Token forfeits! [takes Stan's left hand and holds it up in victory] Whites win! [lets go and twirls away] Whites win! [runs to one end of the hall] Race war is over, everybody! Whites won again!
Scene Description: In an office somewhere, day.
Randy: I want to apologize deeply and sincerely for using the N-word on Wheel of Fortune. And I want to assure you that I am not a racist, Reverend Jackson. [The camera shows Jesse Jackson behind a desk, with three officials around him]
Jesse Jackson: [elbows on armrests, hands interlaced] The puzzle you were solving was "people who annoy you".
Randy: Uh well, like anybody else thought it was "naggers". I mean, right?
Jesse Jackson: Mr. Marsh, you need to take time to understand African-American culture, visit black museums, see black performers and artists.
Randy: Oh! Ah I will! I'm really down with [making sure he gets it right] African-Americans.
Jesse Jackson: [thinks a moment] Do you really want to apologize? Are you sure?
Randy: Y-Yes, absolutely.
Jesse Jackson: [long exhale] Very well. If you want to apologize, I will accept. [rises from his chair and approaches Randy]
Randy: Hahh, thank you, Mr. Jackson, thank you.
Jesse Jackson: Brian, get a picture of Mr. Marsh apologizing. [takes off his coat, rolls up his shirt sleeves...]
Brian: [with camera] Ready to go, sir.
Jesse Jackson: [...unzips and drops his pants, then drops his briefs and sticks his ass out at Randy] Kiss it.
Randy: Huh?
Jesse Jackson: Apologize. Kiss it.
Randy: You want me to kiss your-
Jesse Jackson: That's right. [gyrates his butt around] Apologize.
Randy: Agh, oh, okay. I'll ahh... [genuflects] Let's see here uh...
Jesse Jackson: [gyrates his butt around again] Apologize. [Randy kisses Jesse's ass for a few seconds and the picture is taken. It appears in newspapers like the New York News]
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day, hallway. The bell rings and Stan approaches Token at his locker.
Stan: Hey Token. I just wanted to let you know that everything is cool now. My dad apologized to Jesse Jackson.
Token: Oh I see, so I'm supposed to feel all better now.
Stan: Well, yeah.
Token: [throws his backpack into the locker] You just don't get it, Stan!
Stan: Dude, Jesse Jackson said it's okay!
Token: [spins around angrily] Jesse Jackson, is not the emperor, of black people! [storms away]
Stan: [softly] He told my dad he was...
Scene Description: The school gym, later. All the students have been called to assemble there.
Woman: [dressed in a sharp business suit] Today we are going to have a guest speaker talk to us about sensitivity and the power of words. [Stan looks over at Token in the row before him] In a moment you will meet Dr. David Nelson, who has first-hand experience in overcoming slander, because David is himself, a little person. Who knows what a little person is? [Butters raises his hand] Yes? Over here?
Butters: A midget?
Woman: Not exactly. That term is actually considered offensive, and that's why Dr. Nelson goes from school to school getting us all to think about what we say. He has two PhD.'s and has published six books! Please welcome David Nelson!
Mr. Nelson: [waddles in to some fanfare, swaying back and forth] Good morning, students! How are we all feeling today? [the music stops. Cartman chuckles, then lets out a laugh, and can't stop] I would like to share with you all my-
Cartman: No! Dude! No fucking way! [laughs] Dude! [resumes laughing]
Mr. Nelson: That, that words are like bullets. And if you give-
Cartman: [shakes his head back and forth, then rears back, laughing all the while] Stop! Stop! Stop! Stohahahahahahaha...
Mr. Mackey: [appears next to Mr. Nelson] Eric, be quiet!
Mr. Nelson: No, no, it's okay. He'll run out of steam here pretty soon. [Cartman continues laughing, and even nudges Stan a few times to get him to laugh, but Stan just gets annoyed.]
Cartman: Look! Look look, look. They put a little suit on him. [resumes laughing. Mr. Nelson gets pissed off, but holds it in]
Scene Description: A comedy club - The Laugh Factory. Randy is walking down the street and notices the club
Randy: Ooh! An African-American performer at the comedy club. [rushes over]
Scene Description: Inside the club an African-American is doing his routine
Comedian: And so I said to my wife, "You told me to kill the damned cockroach! Don't yell at me for making a mess!" [the audience laughs. Randy is in the audience, laughing] We've got a great crowd here tonight. Now, how many people here are actually from Colorado? [a few audience members and Randy clap and holler] Ya got nothin' better to do on a Friday night than to go to a comedy club, huh? [that gets a big laugh from the crowd. The comedian points to Randy] Hey, don't I know you from somewhere? [the crowd falls silent, and Randy looks uncomfortable] Yeah. I know you. You're the guy that said "ni**er" on Wheel of Fortune. [the audience laughs. Randy lets out a weak chuckle] Look! Everybody! It's the "ni**er" guy. [big laughs all around]
Man 2: Hey, it is him.
Comedian: Oh, we got a star in the club. Everyone wave to the "ni**er" guy. [waves, and the audience waves with him] Say, "Hi, 'ni**er' guy!"
Audience: Hi, "ni**er" guy! [Randy waves back and now has a guilty smile on his face, which quickly changes to a guilty frown]
Comedian: That's all right, "ni**er" guy. You know we just playin'. [the crowd roars with laughter and claps]
Randy: Yeah... No problem...
Comedian: Have you all seen these navigation systems in these cars these days? Damn things look like they're right out of "Far Out Space Nuts". Maybe "ni**er" guy has one. You got one, "ni**er" guy? [the audience roars with laughter again and Randy leaves, his head hung in shame. He wanders the streets]
Scene Description: A run-down part of the city, night.
Man 3: [walks by with a woman] Hey look, Betty. It's that "ni**er" guy. [Randy sighs and walks on]
Three kids: [passing by on skateboards] Ni**er guy. Ni**er guy. [they leave, Randy sighs again and walks on. He stops by a 24-hour store to get some aspirin]
Clerk: [white] Hey. What do you think you're doing? [an Asian clerk stands behind him]
Randy: I just... need some aspirin.
Clerk: You aren't welcome in this store, "ni**er" guy.
Randy: Fine! [leaves the aspirin on the counter and rushes out the door]
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day, principal's office. Mr. Nelson is there to lodge a complaint. Principal Victoria sits at her desk, Mr. Mackey stands to her left.
Mr. Nelson: Principal Victoria, I am very concerned about the behavior of one of your students.
Principal Victoria: Yes, we apologize for Eric Cartman's behavior, Mr. Nelson. We feel terrible.
Mr. Nelson: Why? I don't feel terrible. It doesn't bother me at all. [waddles to his left] Words are like bullets, and I let 'em pass right through me. [waddles back] I just know that with some one-on-one time together with this Eric Cartman, I have a chance to change the way he thinks.
Mr. Mackey: Uh, it might be best if you just ...let it go, m'kay?
Mr. Nelson: You don't understand. [waddles around] You see, words are like bullets. And if you take away the gunpowder-
Mr. Mackey: Yeah yeah, we we get it, Mr. Nelson.
Principal Victoria: Very well, Mr. Nelson. [presses a button on her phone] Stacey, go ahead and send in Eric Cartman. [the door opens and Cartman walks in and immediately bursts into laughter upon seeing Mr. Nelson.] Eric, Mr. Nelson is concerned about how you respond to little people.
Cartman: [stops long enough to respond] Oh. Did I hurt its little feelings? [resumes laughing]
Mr. Nelson: You know, you think you have the power to make me insecure, but your words are actually completely powerless.
Cartman: [before Mr. Nelson finishes talking] Oh oh oh oh! If we could get, like, eight of these, we could dress them all up like little beavers, right, and then put 'em in a pond, and see if they build a dam! [stomps his foot on the floor, points to Mr. Nelson, and laughs. Principal Victoria buries her face in her hands]
Mr. Nelson: You see? No matter what you say, I'm still standing.
Cartman: [stops] Barely! [starts up again]
Mr. Nelson: [assertively] No matter how you act, I can rise above it!
Cartman: [stops] "Rise above it!" Get it? [starts up again]
Mr. Nelson: [steps up to Cartman] Shut your fucking mouth!
Principal Victoria: Mr. Nelson! [Mr. Nelson blanches. Cartman looks at him, then cracks up again and falls on his ass in laughter]
Mr. Nelson: He, he, he didn't get to me. I was I was just I wast just joking
Cartman: Look, look how its face gets all red! He's like a little strawberry!
Mr. Nelson: [grimaces] Aaaaaaa!
Scene Description: South Park, night, Viggo's Coffee House. A sign outside announces "SPOKEN WORD CONTEST TONIGHT," Inside, a pair of black hands drums away on some bongo drums. Next, Randy is shown onstage, the drummer in the background
Randy: Words with venom, words that bind. Words used like weapons to cloud my mind. I'm a person. I'm a man. But no matter how I try, people just say "Hey! There's that 'ni**er' guy." [no response from the crowd] Everywhere I go, it's always the same. Everyone just thinks of me as that one single name. "Hey Ni**er Guy! Ni**er Guy! Hi Ni**er Guy!" Stop! Now go. Call me Ni**er Guy! Fill me with your hate! Try to bring me down- Oop up, you're too late. When will it end, will there ever be a time? When I can be thought of as more... than just "Ni**er Guy". [no response from the crowd] Respect. [throws up the V sign and walks off stage]
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day, hallway. Stan walks up to Token again
Stan: Token! Hey, wait up. [Token turns around] I just wanted to say, I get it now. You know, after that "little person" talk at that assembly the other day, I understand how you feel about somebody saying the N word.
Token: Sooo black people are midgets? [turns around and walks away. At the far end of the hallway Mr. Nelson rounds the corner and walks towards Stan.]
Stan: God dammit!
Mr. Nelson: Excuse me, over here, please? All right, I need all students to join me over here. [heads towards the gym. The available students follow him]
Scene Description: The gym. Only the fourth graders are there
Mr. Nelson: I have called you here because it is time that we taught Eric Cartman a lesson once and for all! In a few seconds, Eric will be sent in, and when we walks through that door, I want you all at the same time to yell, "Hello, fatso!"
Craig: ...I don't think that's a very good idea, sir.
Mr. Nelson: He has to learn his lesson! You see, words are like bullets. [turns around and sees Cartman] All right all right, here he comes. [walks off-screen. Cartman enters the gym]
Kids: "Hello, fatso!"
Cartman: Hey! What the hell is that?! You think that's fuckin' funny?! [walks up to Kyle accusingly] Kyle, did you put everybody up to this?! [Mr. Nelson walks out towards the entrance, then curves around to stand behind Cartman] I bet you did! What the hell is going on?!
Mr. Nelson: Now you know how it feels. [Cartman turns around and looks at him, then bursts out laughing] You'd better shut up or i'm gonna kick your ass!
Cartman: Alright, alright, alright, who is the freaking genius who dressed it up in little suspenders? Clyde, was that you? Gahahahahaha!
Scene Description: A conference hall, somewhere. Randy speaks before an entire group made up of only black people.
Randy: And so it is my honor to announce today the Randy Marsh African-American Scholarship Foundation. [gets good applause for that] It is my hope that this foundation will prove my commitment to the education of African-American students and erase once and for all my identity as the "ni**er" guy. [no response] You really... you really don't know how hard it is to be constantly reminded of something lame that happened in your past. I mean I... just wanna move on from what happened on "Wheel of Fortune", you know and... and when people call me... "ni**er guy"... they're bringing up a painful chapter of my history and all the negativity that went along with it. You just... you can't imagine how that feels. [no response]
Black Man: Is this "ni**er" guy serious?
Randy: Anyway, here's to a new start for us all. Thank you! [walks off.]
Scene Description: Outside, night. He walks towards his car when a truck passes by. It screeches to a halt and backs up to stop in front of Randy. Two rednecks are in the cab, a third is in the bed
Driver: Thar look Skeeter! That's that guy from the TV!
Skeeter: [the redneck in the cab] Well well well, looks like we got ourselves a ni**er guy! [reaches down and grabs a shotgun. Randy takes off running.]
Randy: Awww! Awwww! [the rednecks give chase. Skeeter just shoots in the air, aiming at no one]
Skeeter: Yee haw! Yiiip yip yip yip yip yip.
Passenger: Wooo! [pumps his left fist]
Randy: Whoa! [sees a clearing across the street and runs into it. The truck passes it, screeches to a halt, and backs up. Randy turns around and sees the three rednecks standing before him, shotguns aimed at him]
Skeeter: Where you goin' "ni**er" guy?
Randy: Please I, I don't want any trouble.
Skeeter: Well you got trouble, when you first decided to slander an entire race of people on "Wheel of Fortune"!
Driver: Yeah. You like making fun of minorities, "ni**er" guy? Huh we don't take kindly to social ignorance.
Passenger: You tell 'im, Skeeter, you tell 'im!
Randy: [holds his hands out in a blocking position] What do you want?
Skeeter: What do we want? [he and the passenger laugh] We want to live in a world without people like you who are intolerant of African-Americans!
Man 4: [from screen left, out of nowhere] Leave him alone.
Passenger: Hey... That's that other "ni**er" guy.
Skeeter: Huh?
Passenger: That's the guy from Seinfeld, used the N-word a whole bunch o' times.
Driver: Michael Richards? Well, son of a bitch!
Skeeter: Looks like it's our lucky day! We done got us two "ni**er" guys!
Man 5: [from screen right] Make that three.
Passenger: Mark Fuhrman?
Skeeter: Who?
Passenger: He done said the N-word in the O.J. case.
Driver: Well what is this? A "ni**er" guy convention? [two more men appear beside Randy, Richards and Fuhrman]
Richards: We aren't being pushed around anymore. Leave.
Driver: Come on, Skeeter. [he and the other rednecks back up towards their truck] These "ni**er" guys ain't worth our trouble.
Skeeter: [from the truck bed] Damn "ni**er" guys! [the other two get into the cab] We'll be back! [the truck starts up and the rednecks hoot and holler and fire off their weapons as they speed away]
Richards: [puts his hands on Randy's right shoulder] You'd better come with us.
Scene Description: An abandoned barn nearby, moments later. The five men go in
Richards: Come on in, Mr. Marsh. We'll make you some coffee.
Randy: What's going on here?
Fuhrman: [pours Randy a cup of coffee and gives it to him] We've been following your story since we first saw it on the news. Don't worry - you're with friends now. Dale here used the N-word in a racial joke at work. Scott used the plural N-word to refer to a group of gardeners who broke his fence.
Scott: They were Mexicans. I was being ironic.
Richards: We're all just like you.
Randy: No. [smacks Richards' hand off his shoulder and puts the cup down] No no, I'm sorry, but I'm not... like you. I just said the N-word by mistake to win money.
Richards: I made a mistake too. [moves forward a bit] I was trying to be funny! I got frustrated and thought I would get some shock laughs. I'm just... not that good of a comedian if you want to know the real truth.
Randy: You said the N-word to a black man's face! That's way worse than what I did!
Richards: [turns around and gets in Randy's face] You really think that matters?! [moves to Randy's ear] You really think all those people out there see a difference? Oh, they might say your racial slur was more accidental; they might even laugh about it. But at the end of the day, all you are to them is just another damn "ni**er" guy! [Randy swallows a bit] Oh, you don't like that, do ya?
Randy: No.
Fuhrman: Randy, we want you to join us. We have a plan to make this all go away once and for all.
Scene Description: South Park, day, the neighborhood.
Stan: Now look, Token, I've done everything I can to make this right! You have no reason to still be mad!
Token: I have every reason to be mad! You just don't get it!
Stan: I'm not responsible for what my dad did!
Token: No, but you can't just pretend it never happened either!
Stan: What the hell do you want from me?! [Butters appears across the street, rather out of breath. Upon seeing them, he runs over]
Token: Nothing!
Stan: Then stop being mad!
Token: No!
Butters: Fellas! Fellas come quick! Cartman's gonna fight the midget! [Butters runs off. Stan and Token look at each other silently then shrug, as they turn to follow Butters]
Scene Description: The community park. The kids have gathered to see Cartman and Mr. Nelson fight.
Butters: C'mon now Eric, come on now.
Kyle: Dude, are you sure you wanna do this? Apparently this guy has a black belt in karate.
Cartman: It's a midget, dude.
Mr. Nelson: ["Down with the Sickness" by Disturbed starts playing] Students, I am going to beat the crap out of this kid to prove a point.
Cartman: Hahaha, no- no dude. It can't talk, that isn't fair, I'll laugh too much. [the kids urge them to fight, and the match begins]
Scene Description: Cartman gets Mr. Nelson ...in a half-Nelson, then picks him up, carries him around 360 degrees, then throws him off. Mr. Nelson gets under Cartman to pick him up and throw him over his back, but ends up just tickling Cartman, and Cartman laughs.
Scene Description: The United State Senate. Randy is addressing the senators.
Randy: Senators, I know it is not normally considered "American" to ban words. [Randy is flanked by Fuhrman and Richards] But there is one slur that has caused so much damage that we believe it should finally be made illegal. I'm talking, of course, about the term "ni**er guy".
Senator 1: "Ni**er guy"?
Randy: Two words which by themselves can be harmless but which together... form a verbal missile of hate.
Richards: Yeah! That's right!
Randy: Oh sure. Some people just use the term in jest - tell a ni**er guy joke or two thinking it's no big deal - but they don't realize it can lead to people using the term as an excuse for violence.
Skeeter: [with his two friends] Goddamn ni**er guy's tryin' to be all political-like now!
Randy: Senators, I've learned to admit that I'm capable of having- slightly racist thoughts once in a while. Can anybody say they never do? How long will it be before you are all called "ni**er guys"? [the senators are somewhat shocked]
Senator 2: Uhhh, hold on a second, are you suggesting that "ni**er guy" could become a slur that refers to all white people?
Senator 3: I'm certainly not a ni**er guy. I've never thought a racist thought.
Senator 4: [black senator] Aw, come on, you're the biggest ni**er guy in Washington.
Senator 1: Mr. Marsh, we see now the importance of your bill. [raises his left hand] All those in favor to ban the term "ni**er guy"?
Most Senators: Aye!
Senator 1: Opposed?
Senator 4: [a lone black senator] Nay?
Senator 1: The motion is passed! [lowers the gavel.]
Scene Description: Outside the Senate building, supporters of the bill celebrate with confetti and streamers. Randy walks out and across the lawn with Richards and Fuhrman.
Randy: We did it!
Field reporter: For the first time in American history, a word has been officially banned from use.
Senator 3: From now on, if a person uses the word "ni**er," it must be at least seven words away from the word "guy." [a group of black people is shown, not reacting in any way to the announcement. Everyone else continues cheering.]
Field reporter: Tom, it appears that the ni**er guy epidemic is ove- [two police officers come and take him away] Oh dammit I said it, didn't I?
Scene Description: Back at the community park Cartman and Mr. Nelson continue wrestling. Cartman has beat Mr. Nelson up pretty good and now has him pinned to the ground.
Mr. Nelson: AAAA! Ow! Ow! Okay! [Cartman punches him in the face a few times] Okay, you win!
Cartman: Say "Uncle!"
Mr. Nelson: Ung-cle!
Cartman: Hahaha, now say "Carol Anne, don't go into the light!"
Mr. Nelson: Carol Anne, don't go into the light!
Cartman: Haaha, hahahahahaha! Oh man, that is hysterical! [Mr. Nelson rises and pummels him in the back of the head. Cartman falls forward] Oh!
Mr. Nelson: There! Now you all see that I am not limited by my size. [Cartman comes alive again and laughs] I have proven my point! My work here is done! [waddles away. The kids begin to disperse]
Stan: What was his point?
Kyle: I have no idea.
Stan: Dude, I don't get it.
Kyle: I don't get it either.
Stan: [comes to a certain realization] Wait a minute. That's it! I don't get it.
Kyle: ...Huh?
Stan: Don't you see, Kyle? I don't get it! [smiles, then walks up to Token] Token, I get it now. I don't get it. I've been trying to say that I understand how you feel, but, I'll never understand. I'll never really get how it feels for a black person to have somebody use the N word. I don't get it.
Token: Now you get it, Stan. [smiles]
Stan: [smiles] Yeah. I totally don't get it.
Token: Thanks, dude.


Scene Description: A scrapbook shot of Butters sleeping, with a poo mustache on his face.
Cartman: This picture I like to call "The Pierre". I invited Butters to stay the night, and while he was sleeping I made a mustache on his face with cat poo. Hahahahaha. [the caption reads "THE PIERRE 3/10/07." Cartman flips the page. The pages are artsy in design] And this time, when Butters stayed the night, I put a tampon in his mouth. [Yep, the tampon is in there like a thermometer] I call this picture "The Sleeping Menstrual". [the caption is shown, Cartman flips the page. Kyle, Stan, and Kenny stand around him, looking at the pictures. They're all in Cartman's room.] This one, I call "Hot Fudge Mondae". [caresses the picture] I really like how the light plays with the background on this one.
Kyle: Is this all you brought us here to see?
Cartman: Oh no, there's much more. [flips the page] Let's see- Oh yes, look at this one: I call it "New Moon Rising". [a shot of Cartman hanging his ass over Butters' face] I did a whole study using my ass. [Cartman's ass over Butters' face from the left side] Here it is using some high-contrast stuff. [next, Cartman wearing darker pajamas, mooning Butters] trying out some... different light filters here. [last shot looks faded, with Cartman's ass directly on Butters' face.] But this is nothing compared to what I have planned. Because tonight... is going to be my coop de grass.
Kyle: Butters is staying over tonight?
Cartman: Yes. And tonight, while Butters is asleep, I am going to-
Butters: [appears at Cartman's bedroom door] Hey, fellas! [Stan and Kenny turn around. Kyle looks over his left shoulder]
Cartman: Heh! [quickly puts away his scrapbook] Oh, oh hey, Butters! [turns around and greets him] I wasn't expecting you so soon.
Butters: Yeah. [puts down his sleeping bag] I finished my chores so I came over a little early. [Cartman takes the sleeping bag and sets it aside. Butters notices the other guys] Hey! Are you guys all sleepin' over too?
Cartman: [returns] No no, these guys were just leaving. [faces the other guys menacingly] Weren't you guys?
Stan: Come on, let's go. [leads Kyle and Kenny out the door.]
Kyle: [stops] Wait, wai- I can't let this happen. [turns around] Butters.
Butters: Yeah Kyle?
Kyle: Don't you think it's a little strange that Cartman keeps asking you to stay over?
Cartman: Kyyyle!
Butters: Uh what do you mean?
Kyle: I mean, that if-
Cartman: What he means is that he's jealous that you've taken his place as my new best friend! But grow up, Kyle! Change is a part of life.
Butters: Heh yeah, grow up, Kyle.
Kyle: [angered] Hrrugh! [leaves]
Butters: So what do you wanna do first, Eric? You wanna play a game or just chitchat for a while?
Cartman: Well actually, Butters, I think we'd better hit the hay pretty soon.
Butters: But, uh-ih-it's only 6:30.
Cartman: Yeah, and I'm exhausted. If you are not sleepy yet, I have some more of that nighttime cold medicine you can drink.
Scene Description: South Park, morning. The boys walk up to the bus stop. Cartman isn't with them.
Cartman: [off screen] You guys! I got it! [runs in and joins them] It seriously! It's the greatest picture ever! Oh my God!
Stan: What'cha do to Butters this time?
Cartman: It was genius! I waited 'til he was totally asleep, right? And then I got my camera, and I pulled down his pants, and then I took a picture of his wiener in my mouth! [cracks up at his own cleverness]
Kyle: Dude!
Cartman: I know I know, check it out, look. [the other three crowd in and look at the picture] I got his whole wiener in my mouth, see? Heheh. Oh man, I got him good!
Stan: Dude, how is putting Butters' wiener in his mouth getting him?
Cartman: Because that makes Butters gay now!
Kyle: No dude, that makes you gay!
Cartman: Eh- ...what?
Kyle: You put a guy's wiener in your mouth, that makes you gay, stupid!
Cartman: [looks more closely at the picture] Nuh uh.
Kyle: Yeah huh!
Cartman: Kenny, that doesn't make me gay, huh?
Kenny: (Ehe, that makes you very fucking gay.)
Cartman: But I'm not g-I'm not gay, you guys!
Stan: You are now.
Cartman: No, no, it was a stupid mistake!
Kyle: Doesn't matter. You're gay now.
Cartman: No, it was just for a second! [seeing that his plan has backfired, he puts the picture away] What, what can I do? How-how can I reverse this?
Stan: You can't!
Kyle: No-no wait. I I know how you can reverse it, Cartman.
Cartman: How?
Kyle: The only way you can cancel it out is to get Butters to put your wiener in his mouth.
Cartman: [low voice] Really?
Kyle: Yeah. Then it cancels out the gay polarity.
Cartman: [beat] ...Shit, I gotta find Butters! [runs off]
Kyle: [beat] ...Idiot.
Scene Description: Butters' bedroom, several minutes later. Butters is playing with his toys - a car, a truck, and a small action figure.
Butters: [singing] Help me, I thinking I'm falling in love with you... [continues howling the tune]
Cartman: [enters the room] Butters.
Butters: [stops playing and gets up] Whoa, hey Eric.
Cartman: Butters, guess what? I have a surprise for you.
Butters: [a little excited] A surprise? What is it?
Cartman: It's so fuckin' awesome. You're gonna be so stoked. It's the best surprise ever!
Butters: [really excited] Oh boy!
Cartman: You ready?
Butters: Y-yeah!
Cartman: Okay! Just open your mouth and close your eyes and, and get on your knees!
Butters: [closes his eyes, opens his mouth, and gets on his knees] Oh, okay! [Cartman grabs a handkerchief from his back pocket and makes a blindfold from it, then puts it on Butters]
Cartman: Hang on a second here. [makes sure the blindfold is on snugly]
Butters: How come uh, I can't see?
Cartman: 'Cause then it wouldn't be a surprise, would it? [rushes off to get the toybox]
Butters: Oh uh, ho yeah.
Cartman: [under his breath] All right, that's good. [undoes his pants] Okay, open your mouth, Butters? [lowers them and ...] That's good, just like that.
Butters: [wary all of a sudden] Hey. Hey wait a minute. This ain't a trick, is it? Why you're not gonna, eh stick something icky in my mouth, are ya?
Cartman: ...I swear on my mother's life, Butters. I am not going to stick anything icky in your mouth. [lifts up his shirt to show his massive gut]
Butters: Well okay!
Cartman: All right, you ready? [grabs Butters' head and draws it closer to his own wiener] All right just- okay, open uh- okay, okay, here it comes. Just sit very still, okay? Here we go. [at that moment the door opens and Stephen enters.]
Stephen: Butters!
Cartman: Uh! [quickly gets dressed up]
Butters: Whoa! Hey Dad! [Cartman steps down from the toy-box and runs away]
Stephen: Butters! What are you doing?!
Butters: I'm getting a surprise! [points to his mouth]
Stephen: Oh my God! My, my only son, reduced to this! [takes off the blindfold]
Butters: [looks around] Hey. Where'd Eric go?
Stephen: [quite concerned, on bended knee] Butters, how long have you been doing stuff like this?
Butters: Like what?
Stephen: Don't lie to me, Butters! I know your secret now! No wait, wait. It's okay. It's okay, Butters. This isn't a serious problem. You're just bi-curious.
Butters: What's... bi-curious?
Stephen: You are. Just harmless curiosity, and it doesn't mean anything. We just need to get you some help, Butters. [Linda appears at the doorway]
Linda: What's going on, you two?
Butters: Nothin' Mom, I'm just a little bi-curious. [smiles]
Scene Description: South Park Church, day. Butters and Stephen are in the rectory.
Stephen: Father Maxi, I... just don't know where else to turn. You see, I've just learned that my son is... bi-curious.
Father Maxi: Is that true, son? Are you feeling... confused?
Butters: ...Yeah, I'm pretty confused alright.
Stephen: You see?
Father Maxi: Young man, These confused feelings that you're having are simply the Devil's way of trying to get a hold of you.
Butters: Really?
Stephen: What can I do, Father?
Father Maxi: There is a special camp where young men who are confused, like your son, can go and be cleansed by the power of God. Many bi-curious boys come out the camp completely cured.
Stephen: A secluded camp where lots of bi-curious boys are all put together? That sounds like a good idea.
Butters: Whoa boy! Camp!
Scene Description: Stan's living room. He, Kyle, and Kenny are playing a board game, Living. A door opens and closes, and Cartman appears.
Cartman: Haahaahahaha! [crosses his arms] Very funny! I suppose you really think you got me!
Kyle: What are you talking about, fatass?
Cartman: [uncrosses his arms] I checked on the Internet, Kyyyle, and getting Butters to put my wiener in his mouth wouldn't make me not gay like you said!
Kyle: You figured that out, huh?
Cartman: [crosses his arms again as he turns away] That's right. And I also learned from the Internet that just because I put Butters' wiener in my mouth doesn't mean I'm gay! All I have to do is throw away the picture, forget it ever happened, and nobody will ever know. [pleased with himself]
Kyle: Except for us.
Cartman: Right, except for you.
Kyle: And all the people we tell.
Cartman: [turns around] Why would you tell anybody?
Stan: Because it's really, really funny.
Cartman: ...It's not that funny. There's lots, there's lots of things that are way funnier.
Kyle: Like what?
Cartman: Liiike... a tampon... in the school cafeteria... in, in somebody's lunch. [grins, but Stan and Kyle ignore him] Liiike, a, a dog crap... on, on a guy's face! [chuckles]
Stan: That isn't funny.
Cartman: [angrily] Yes it is! Now you guys, I'm getting pissed off! You'd better not tell anybody!
Kyle: Well, maybe we will, maybe we won't.
Cartman: Fine! Whatever! You guys don't have any proof I put Butters' wiener in my mouth! It will be your word against mine! And we all know that everyone trusts me way more than you guys! [the other boys continue playing. Cartman changes tactics: he pleads] You guys, please don't tell anybody.
Kyle: Okay. We won't tell anybody as long as you are super nice to us, every day, from now on.
Cartman: Oh right, like that's possible! Alright, fine! You know what I'm gonna do, Kyle?! I'm gonna go home, and photo shop the picture so that it is your face with Butters' wiener in his mouth here! And if ANY of you say anything to anybody, I'll simply show them the picture of Kyle. [turns around and cackles] Haha, hahahaha! [leaves the house]
Scene Description: Camp New Grace entrance, night. Stephen pulls up with Butters, and some campers and camp staffers come out to greet them. Butters hops out of the passenger side, dressed in shirt and tie. Stephen goes to the trunk to bring out a suitcase.
Leader: Everyone, say hello to our new camper, Butters.
Campers: Hi Butters. Hello. Hi. Hello Butters.
Stephen: [brings the suitcase to an elder staffer] Thank you so much for taking him in.
Director: Don't worry. Your son just needs to learn that he can be straight if he chooses to be.
Scene Description: Camp New Grace interior, night. The camp director is showing Butters around.
Director: Do you know why you're here at camp, Butters?
Butters: Because I'm bi-curious?
Director: That's right. Like all the campers here, you're confused, and you don't think there's a way out. But even though some people would have you believe you can't control how you feel, the truth is that with the power of Jesus Christ you can be normal. Now, just to make sure you don't slip up while in camp we assign every camper an accountabilibuddy. [they approach a room] Let's meet Ryan, your accountabilibuddy. [Room 22] Ryan thought he could never change. But now he's learning that with the power of Christ and prayer, he can have a whole new life. [the door opens, and a boy is shown hanging from a noose in the middle of his room. The stool and book he stood on are fallen on the floor. The director quickly closes the door and continues the tour] Over this way we have the cafeteria. All the meals are served there. [notices another boy in front of them] Uh Bradley! How about you be Butters' accountabilibuddy?
Bradley: Humble yourselves therefore under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up. - Peter 5:6
Director: Butters here is new to the camp. He's chosen to rid himself of his affliction and forge a personal relationship with Jesus Christ.
Butters: I'm bi-curious.
Bradley: Do not lie with a man as one lies with a woman: that is detestable. - Leviticus 18:22.
Director: That's right, Bradley. I think we're well on our way to being healed. [(a boy has hanged himself) whispers softly to a staffer as the staffer walks by] We've got another one: Room 22.
Staffer: Aw, darnit!
Scene Description: Community park, dusk. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny are taking turns shooting the basketball at the hoop. Stan shoots and misses
Stan: Aw man, I've got H O R S now. [steps aside as Kenny receives the ball.]
Kyle: Okay, my turn. [Kenny gives him the ball and Kyle prepares to shoot. Cartman approaches the park behind him]
Cartman: Where is it, you filthy Jew?!
Kyle: [throws up the ball] Where's what?
Cartman: [grabs Kyle by the collar and shakes him violently] You know God damned well what!
Kyle: Let go of me.
Stan: What the hell are you doing, Cartman?!
Cartman: I went home to alter the picture of me with Butters' penis in my mouth to look like Kyle, but it was gone! [shakes Kyle again] What did you do with my picture?!
Kyle: Knock it off! I don't have your stupid picture.
Cartman: [rolls up his sleeves] Give it back, Kyle!
Kyle: I don't have it.
Cartman: I swear to God, Kyle, if you don't give it back right now, [puts up his fists as if to box] I'm gonna break your fuckin' Jew legs right here.
Kyle: Shut up.
Cartman: You shut up! You're lying, and [points an accusing finger at Stan and Kenny] you two are covering up for him! You know what? You're just like Jews yourselves! Stan, you're a Jew, and Kenny, you're a Jew! You're all Jews! [Kyle punches him on the right arm once, firmly] OW! [puts his left hand over his right arm] OW! AAAAUH! [grimaces, turns around, and runs out of the park] NYAAAAAAAAAA!
Scene Description: Camp New Grace, chapel, day. Kids of every age are there singing in unison.
Campers: The Lord is love this forWith Jesus I can just say noAnd not be confused anymore.
Director: We will now hear a sermon from Pastor Phillips. For those of you who are new to camp, Pastor Phillips is somebody who has broken free of the bonds that afflict you.
Butters: He's bi-curious too?
Director: Not anymore. Because Pastor Phillips prayed, and by the hand of Jesus Christ, he's now completely cured! Let's hear it for Pastor Phillips, kids!
Pastor Phillips: [flies onto the stage and prances about speaking flamboyantly] Helloooo campers! [twirls some and strikes a pose] Yeth, believe it or not, I mythelf used to have unclean urges, and like a lot of you, I thought I was just made that way, that I didn't have a choice. But then I realized that God didn't want me to be that way! God wanted me to be a man! [strikes a running pose] So I buckled up in my little suit and I prayed to be normal and guess what? [jumps up into the air and does a 1080] It worrrrked! [strikes another pose, then eases up]
Director: That's right, kids. You see, right now you're like a paper clip. [pulls on out of his back pocket] And just like a paper clip, [begins to mess with it] God needs to bend you, and shape you, and make youuuu... straight. [presents the straightened paper clip. A Latino boy pulls out a gun, shoots himself through the temple, and goes down. Butters is startled. The director and Pastor Phillips just stand there.]
Scene Description: Park County Police Station, South Park Division, day.
Det. Yates: So you say you were robbed. [fills out a police report]
Cartman: Yes. A photograph. And I know who took it! His name is Kyle Broflovski.
Det. Yates: If it's a photo, what's the big deal? Why don't you just print out another one?
Cartman: It's a big deal, okay?! That picture is my propertih, and I want it back!
Det. Yates: Okay, what is the picture of?
Cartman: [long pause] Why... why does that matter?
Det. Yates: Well how are we gonna find your picture unless we know what it is?
Cartman: All right. It's a picture ...of me.
Det. Yates: Yes?
Cartman: It's a picture ...of me. [long pause] And um... what appears to be... a penis... in my mouth.
Det. Yates: [long pause] You were sucking somebody's penis. [this grabs other officers' attention.]
Cartman: No, no I was not! I was asleep, and this person just... put their penis in my mouth without me knowing! And and took the picture!
Det. Yates: ...I see.
Cartman: Yes. Now it may appear in the picture... that I'm actually looking at the camera lens and smiling, with the penis in my mouth. And giving a thumbs up. But I assure you, I was fast asleep.
Det. Yates: Well we'd have to get a warrant first, approved by a grand jury.
Cartman: I don't have time for that! We have school tomorrow! And I know that Kyle is gonna show the picture to everybody during Show and Tell!
Det. Yates: Well then, you're screwed.
Scene Description: Camp New Grace, camp office. Butters and Bradley face the director and four staffers - one of them is a woman, another is Pastor Phillips
Director: You both do understand that we're trying to save your souls from eternal life in hell?
Butters: Well sure, I guess.
Bradley: Only through Christ can we cleanse our souls.
Director: And you do know the rule which states that no impure or immoral images are allowed to be seen by the eye?
Butters: Well yeah, sure.
Bradley: So let's purify ourselves from everything that makes the body or soul unclean. - Corinthians, chapter 7.
Director: Then do you mind telling us why we found this [holds up a magazine with an aroused male model on one of its pages] 1979 Sears men's underwear catalog... in your room?
Bradley: That's... that's mine.
Director: You know this is strictly forbidden!
Butters: Ah I don't understand. What's wrong with underwear?
Director: [rises from his chair and walks up to Butters] What's wrong?! [thrusts the magazine onto Butters' face] This is what makes you confused! Don't you get it?! This is confusing you right now, isn't it?!
Butters: Yes, it's all very confusing!
Director: This is just as much your fault, Butters! Bradley is your accountabilibuddy! That makes you accountabilibuddyable. Both of your boys' behavior has jeopardizing all of the work we're doing here to save these kids! [a gunshot and body drop are heard off screen and all the adults present look to their right. The director sighs twice, rests his left elbow on his desk, holds his left hand up, drops his head onto it, and closes his eyes. The other staffers take notice. Bradley looks down, Butters looks down, then around] Right. For having contraband in your room, you will both do penance by writing scripture for the next four days!
Scene Description: 8:26 p.m., Cartman's room. Cartman sits at his desk looking distraught.
Cartman: That son of a bitch. He's gonna show everyone that picture. Only twelve hours from now. [pounds his desk and gets determined] That's it. I don't have a choice. I'm gonna have to bring Mom in on this one! I'm just... going to have to tell her the truth. [grabs his ears and starts twisting them until they hurt] Ow. OW. OW!
Scene Description: The Cartman's kitchen, moments later. Liane balances her checkbook and pays off some bills at the breakfast table. Cartman enters the kitchen, puts his head against the wall and begins to cry.
Liane: [taking notice] Eric? What's the, what's the matter? [walks over to him to console him]
Cartman: [crying throughout] I, don't, want to go to school tomorrow!
Liane: Sweetie, shhh, tell Mommy what happened.
Cartman: Kyle, has a picture of me, and he's gonna show everyone during Show and Tell, and, everyone's gonna laugh at meeee.
Liane: Oh, now why would he do that?
Cartman: Because, he's jealous of how much smarter I am than him. So, he's gonna show everyone the picturrrre.
Liane: What is the picture of, Eric? [Cartman stops crying]
Cartman: [sniffles] Last time, when Butters stayed the night, I was being really nice to him and I was... gonna take a picture of him for his mom to have.
Liane: Ohh, that's nice.
Cartman: But then, right when I took the picture, Butters got really hot, so he pulled his pajama bottoms down, and then I tripped, and, fell down, and my mouth landed right on his penis, and, then I thought of something funny, so I smiled up at, the camera and gave like a, thumbs up, and, and then Kyle took the picture from me, and he's gonna show it to everybody, and make them think I'm gaaaaaaay! [turns his face to the wall and cries again]
Liane: Oh, there there, sweetie. It'll be okay. These things happen.
Cartman: [looks at her and sobs] But, Mom, I've been trying to get the picture back, but he won't give it to meee! [turns to her and cries into her chest]
Liane: It's okay, Eric. I'll have a talk with Kyle's mother.
Cartman: You, you will?
Scene Description: Butters and Bradley are in their room doing penance - writing Biblical verses at the table.
Butters: ...but that He loved us and sent His Only Son to be the satisfaction of our sins. Neato!
Bradley: Butters, I'm sorry for getting you into trouble.
Butters: Awww, that's okay, Bradley.
Bradley: I really want to get better. I try to do everything the counselors say, but some...how I still feel confused.
Butters: Yeah, well hopefully, when we finish writin' all these verses, we won't be bi-curious no more, and then we can go home!
Bradley: You're really terrific, Butters. I mean, I think you're great. [warm thoughts... Bradley panics and leaves his chair] Uh oh! Oh God! Bad thought! Bad thought!
Butters: Wuh-what's the matter?
Bradley: I think, I, I th-, I think I like you.
Butters: Well I like you too, Bradley.
Bradley: You do?
Butters: Well yeah!
Bradley: You like like me?
Butters: Sure, I like like you a lot lot. [laughs]
Bradley: Oh God, we're both un-fixable! Don't you see we're lost causes?! We're just evil and nothing can change us! There's no other way out, Butters! We have to kill ourselves! [runs to the door and opens it, then runs out and away]
Butters: [gives chase, but isn't fast enough] No! Bradley! You can't leave; you're my accountabilibuddy!
Scene Description: The Broflovski house, dinnertime. The Broflovskis are eating. The phone rings and Sheila gets up to answer it.
Sheila: Hello?
Liane: Hello, Sheila? It's Liane, Eric's mother.
Sheila: Ohh, hello, Mrs. Cartman.
Liane: Um, Sheila, I'm sorry to trouble you with this, but apparently your son has a picture of Eric with another boy's penis in his mouth.
Sheila: [long pause] Excuse me?
Scene Description: 8:56 p.m., Cartman's room. Cartman is back at his desk fretting about the following day.
Liane: Don't worry, sweetie, everything is fine.
Cartman: It is? [happily jumps off his chair and runs to her] Really? Oh Mommy thank you! Thank you! [hugs her]
Liane: You have nothing to worry about in school tomorrow. Mrs. Broflovski assured me that Kyle doesn't have the picture.
Cartman: [his smile vanishes] What?
Liane: She talked with her son and says he doesn't have it.
Cartman: Mom, she's lying!
Liane: She said she was sure, Eric.
Cartman: Mom, you don't know anything about Jews! They lie all the time!
Liane: Well, Eric, there's nothing more I can do about it.
Cartman: [thinks a moment] Then that's it. Kyle wins. But he won't win completely! I'm going to print out another copy of that picture and show it to the class myself! I can at least rob Kyle of his final laugh.
Scene Description: Camp office, night. Butters is in there talking to the director.
Director: Do you mind telling me how you managed to lose... your accountabilibuddy?!
Butters: I went looking for 'im, but he runs real fast.
Director: You don't seem to take this camp seriously, Butters. I've called your father in for a talk.
Butters: Oh no, my Dad?
Director: Do you understand the concept of Hell? Do you realize that if we don't fix you, you will burn in a lake of fire for eternity?
Butters: Well yeah, but I just don't quite understand what you're fixin'.
Director: We're fixing your confusion!
Stephen: There you are, Butters!
Director: Oheh- hey Dad.
Stephen: What's he done now?!
Director: Mr. Stotch, your son is insubordinate, unwilling to change, and worse yet, he's lost his accountabilibuddy!
A counselor: They found him! They found Bradley! You'd better come quick! [Butters runs out, followed by Stephen, then the counselor, then the director]
Scene Description: A bridge similar to the one in "Fat Butt and Pancake Head", day. Bradley is near the middle of the span, hanging on to the side but ready to jump off. A crowd has gathered at one end of the bridge. The director arrives, followed by Pastor Phillips, Butters, and Stephen
Director: Oh Lord in Heaven! Don't jump, Bradley!
Bradley: Stay-stay back! I'm an abomination of God!
Director: No no, we're fixing you!
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, next day. Cartman marches towards class with a slide projector. He turns left and enters the classroom
Scene Description: Mrs. Garrison's class. Cartman approaches Kyle
Cartman: Guess you think today is your big day, huh Kyle? To embarrass me in front of everyone? [Kyle turns around and Cartman is in his face. Cartman softly says] Well guess what? I'm not giving you the satisfaction!
Mrs. Garrison: Okay students, let's all take our seats. Since it is Monday, we'll start as always with Show And Tell. [writes the words on the board] Who'd like to go first? [Cartman holds down Kyle's arm while raising his own and grunts]
Kyle: Ow! Quit it, dude!
Mrs. Garrison: Okay Eric, Jesus, calm down. You can go first.
Cartman: HA! [gets up and goes to the board, pulls down the projector screen and clears his throat.] For Show And Tell today, I would like to share with you some very special, very artsy photographs I've taken in pursuit of being a respected photographer. [clicks the projector on, and the class lights dim] This first picture I like to call "Moods of Winter" [a shot of snow-covered barren trees], a simple aspen grove shot in high-contrast black and white shows the brittleness of the trunks and reminds one... of death. This picture I took just as the sun was rising and this lonely man was walking to work. A statement about... all of our loneliness, perhaps?
Kyle: [to Stan] He isn't actually going to show everyone...
Cartman: And now this next picture [clears his throat. Quick cut to]
Scene Description: The bridge near camp, day. Bradley is still hanging on.
Director: Don't jump, Bradley! You will only make god angrier with you!
Bradley: It's too late.
Butters: [approaches the bridge] Bradley, please. You're my accountabilibuddy. How will this make me look?
Director: You get back. You're only gonna make things worse.
Bradley: I'm not normal. I'll never be normal!
Butters: You're perfectly normal, Bradley.
Director: Get back! You're just as confused as he is!
Butters: [gets angry] All right. All right that does it! [turns around and faces the crowd] I am sick and tired of everyone telling me I'm confused! I wasn't confused until other people started tellin' me I was! [Bradley listens] You know what I think? I think maybe you are the ones who are confused!
Bradley: Yeah.
Butters: I'm not gonna be confused anymore just because you say I should be! My name is Butters, I'm eight years old, I'm blood type O, and I'm bi-curious! And even that's okay! Because if I'm bi-curious, and I'm somehow made from God, then I think your God must be a little bi-curious himself! [Bradley thinks about this]
Bradley: I think. I think I'd like to come down now.
Director: He's coming down! [everyone begins to chatter] We did it! [stops by Bradley as Bradley climbs back onto the bridge's road] Through the power of Christ we have saved this child!
Stephen: Well Butters, I guess we might as well go home. Looks like you're never gonna change.
Butters: No. I like bein' bi-curious.
Stephen: Well you know somethin'? So do I. [they both have a good laugh about it]
Butters: Wait. Now I am confused.
Scene Description: Mrs. Garrison's class. Cartman continues his presentation
Cartman: And this photograph I took of a sunset near the power plant. Note how the contrasting images make a statement about our impact on the Earth. Which brings us to my last picture. Ahem. This picture you may find somewhat... controversial. [everyone gasps]
Bebe: Eww!
Clyde: [long pause] Dude.
Cartman: Yes. This is shot at a 5.6 aperture using a low-light filter. You can see the grain from the high-speed film - there's sort of a- penis in my mouth right here - and the low depth of field keeps the background soft.
Mrs. Garrison: Eric, what the hell is this?!
Cartman: What this is, is a statement against the war in Iraq. It's wrong that we still have our troops there. It's wrong! And what I think that-
Mr. Mackey: [at the door] Uh, Eric Cartman? We got an emergency message from your mother? [reads the message] "Do not show picture. Kyle didn't have it after all. Found it under your desk." She said you'd know what that means, m'kay? [walks away. Cartman stands there looking at the door, then at the class. Kyle has a look of pity for Cartman on his face and blinks]
Cartman: [longer pause] ...Lame.


Scene Description: South Park Elementary, morning. The bell rings and the fourth graders take their seats. Mrs. Garrison enters with her books and sets them on her desk.
Mrs. Garrison: All right, students, let's take our seats. Apparently we have a little problem here at the school which we need to talk about.
Cartman: Ah yes. You mean the Jew problem. [points to Kyle, but blocks Kyle's view of his left hand with his right.] Good, good! I'm glad we're finally gonna do something about it.
Mrs. Garrison: No, I mean the problem of head lice. [a shot of the class] There's been a lice breakout at a school in Denver, and we need to make sure nobody spreads it here.
Bebe: Somebody might have lice?
Class: Ewww!
Mrs. Garrison: So today you're all going to the gymnasium to have your scalps examined.
Cartman: Uh th-that is completely unnecessary. Everyone knows that only poor people can get lice. The only person that can spread it here is Kenny.
Kenny: (What? Fuck you!)
Mrs. Garrison: I'm sure this class is clean, but we're gonna be examined so that if anyone has the lice, we can stop it before it spreads. [the camera zooms in on Clyde, then on his hair...] Lice can live in anybody's hair. [...until the hair resembles a forest, with tiny houses built upon the individual hairs and a colony of lice walking around on the scalp below.]
Scene Description: Clyde's scalp. The camera follows one louse as he walks through this forest.
Male Louse: [approaching a female louse with a growing louse egg resting in a nest built on a shaft] Hello, Kelly. How's my baby?
Kelly: [sassily] You mean me or the little one?
Male Louse: I mean both.
Kelly: Well, besides a little loneliness waiting for Daddy to come home, I guess we're both okay.
Male Louse: [holds onto one of the female's pincers] How did a louse like me get so lucky to have a louse like you?
Kelly: Luck had nothing to do with it, Travis. [a group of lice tug on a hair nearby and pull it down. Travis and Kelly look on. He lets go and walks towards the fallen hair] You okay?
Travis: Sometimes... I just worry what kind of world our baby is gonna grow up in. [turns around] I need to run up to the forest and do another sediment analysis. I'm worried we might be overworking the tertiary layer. [turns away and walks off]
Scene Description: The gymnasium, later. The classes are lined up by grade level, with various screeners waiting at the heads of the lines.
Lead screener: All students, make sure you're in line according to your grade. When you reach the front of the line you will go behind the curtain and remove any hats to be checked. [The first students go behind the curtains. Craig takes off his hat and does the same]
Butters: Boy, I sure hope they don't find lice in my hair.
Stan: [looks to Kyle] What do you think happens if you do have it?
Cartman: [answering] They drag you out of here, put you in this big containment facility, where they stick a cold metal pipe up your ass with this clear jelly, and then they shock your balls. [Butters gasps]
Craig: [leaves the curtain and puts on his hat] I'm clean! I knew I didn't have any stupid lice! [walks past the rest of the class]
Cartman: This is ridiculous. All this just so they can send Kenny and his stupid head lice home.
Kenny: (Hey! Fuck off!) [The screener waves Clyde forward and Clyde steps behind the curtain]
Lead screener: Have a seat on the stool. [Clyde goes to the stool]
Scene Description: Clyde's scalp. The camera tracks Travis as he moves through the forest, but the scalp begins to shake and he stops. He turns around to see the hair part and a huge human eye pop up. The eye blinks, then he blinks, then the eye blinks again. Travis backs up a bit, then turns to run.
Scene Description: Behind the curtain. The screener has spotted the lice.
Lead screener: Uh oh, looks like you've got 'em.
Clyde: What?
Lead screener: You have lice. Let's see... Clyde Harris, is it?
Clyde: Oh my God. Oh Christ no!
Lead screener: [writes a note and gives it to him] Now now, it's all right. We're going to call your parents and get you to your doctor.
Clyde: Please, ya-you don't understand. The other kids are gonna make fun of me forever!
Lead screener: I'm sure your friends aren't that cruel.
Clyde: Yes they are!
Scene Description: Clyde's scalp. A group of lice surround the stump left from the fallen hair, including some older lice.
Travis: [approaching the group] Mr. President! Mr. President! I believe we have a serious problem! [the other lice look at him] The environment... is changing. I believe it is somehow, reacting to our presence on it.
President: And what do you base this on?
Travis: [walks up to a hair and draws a human head on it] Look, this is the world, right? But now, think of the world as... a living being. [the other lice look surprised] If it were somehow conscious, then it would ultimately become aware of our effect on it.
Older Louse: Huh right, the world is conscious. It makes perfect sense. [kneels and knocks on the scalp several times] Hello. Anybody? [the other lice begin to laugh.]
Travis: If we have made too much of an impact, then that consciousness would try to snuff us out! I think we're looking at a global catastrophe, the likes of which we've never seen!
Older Louse: Poodiggery and poppycock!
Travis: I think we need to put all resources now into a full investigation, perhaps even begin a licewide evacuation.
Older Louse: Evacuation?! Tomorrow is the Gootack Festival. Do you know how much money we would lose? Escort Mr. Mayfield out. The President can't be bothered any further.
Travis: [as security escorts him away] Damn you Vice President Craig! You could be killin' us all!
Scene Description: A waiting room. Clyde and his mom sit with a man reading a magazine, and a girl with her mother. Clyde looks around
Clyde: This is so... embarrassing.
Girl: I have an ear infection. What are you seeing the doctor for?
Clyde: I have... I have AIDS. [his mother looks at him, astonished]
Nurse: Clyde Harris? [Clyde goes in to see the doctor.]
Doctor: [writing out a prescription] Yeeaahh, that's a pretty bad lice problem there. Good thing they pulled you out of school.
Clyde: [desperate] But why me, doctor? Why me?! How did I get this?!
Doctor: [walks up to Clyde] Well, believe it or not, some lice can actually attach themselves to flies, and then wait for the fly to land on someone's head where they can reproduce. And then the lice that live in your head now were probably all born there.
Clyde: ...Sick!
Doctor: This shampoo should take care of it. [hands him a bottle] Use this in the shower. Your scalp may burn a bit afterwards, but... it should kill... every last one of them.
Scene Description: Clyde's scalp. The lice go about their business, climbing up and down the hairs. Travis takes a break on a hair stump.
Kelly: Travis? Everything okay?
Travis: Kelly, I was just thinkin' about our baby. I want to name her... Hope.
Kelly: Hope?
Travis: Hope for a... chance at tomorrow? [water begins to drop down from on high]
Louse 1: It's raining? Now? [Other lice stop and notice. Turns out Clyde is taking a shower.]
Scene Description: Clyde's shower. He rinses himself off and then picks up the shampoo he was given: RID-X. KILLS INSTANTLY LICE & THEIR EGGS.
Scene Description: Clyde's scalp. The rain continues and the lice get used to it.
Louse 2: [starts dancing] Woohoo! I love the rain! [other lice join in the play. Travis doesn't have a good feeling about this]
Travis: Oh my God. [runs to Kelly and their egg] We have to get out of here!
Kelly: What it, it's just rain.
Travis: We have to get out of here now, Kelly! [grabs the egg and runs off with Kelly. Other lice continue dancing in the rain while still others watch. One or two look around and notice a green liquid spreading over the scalp.]
Louse 3: What is that? [walks up to the leading edge, reaches down and grabs a gob of it. The liquid quickly eats through his pincer and he screams in pain. The leading edge of the liquid moves past him and leaves him trapped in the liquid, which eats at him some more]
Lice: Whoa! [the liquid finally finishes him off. The other lice see the leading edge of the liquid get closer to them, and they run] Ruuun! [some of them get overtaken by the liquid, which is now moving quickly over the scalp. The camera follows them until it finds Travis]
Travis: Everyone get up into the trees! We have to get up high! Come on, Kelly! [the lice that can, climb up the hairs while the others get swept up by the RID-X and killed]
Kelly: My God, Travis, they're all dying!
Travis: Don't look, Kelly! Don't look!
Louse 4: What the hell is it?!
Louse 5: Well it's okay, we're safe up here! [the hairs begin to sway back and forth as a strong wind begins to blow]
Travis: I don't think so! [lice begin to be pushed off the hairs]
Louse 4: [blown away] OoOhOOOoooh!
Scene Description: Clyde's bathroom. He's standing on a stool before the mirror blowing his hair dry.
Scene Description: Clyde's scalp. The wind keeps blowing lice off hair. Travis hangs on tight to the hair and to Kelly.
Kelly: Travis!
Travis: Kelly! Hang on!
Kelly: I can't... hang on!
Travis: You have to! For the baby! [Kelly's grip loosens. She tightens it, but the wind rips her from the pincer she was holding on with]
Kelly: Nooooooooooo!
Travis: Kellllllyyyyy! No! Noooo! [he's left alone on the hair with the egg, Hope]
Scene Description: Clyde's bathroom. He's done drying his hair and sets the hair dryer aside, steps off the stool, turns off the light, and leaves.
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day, Mrs. Garrison's class. She's just come in with her books.
Mrs. Garrison: Okay, kids, today we're going to review some Civil War history. Who can tell me what year the war started?
Cartman: Waiwaiwait, whoa whoa, so what happened?
Mrs. Garrison: With what?
Craig: With the lice exam. Did they find anybody with lice? [Clyde looks apprehensive, and Mrs. Garrison notices]
Mrs. Garrison: Y-yes, some lice was discovered and the proper action has been taken.
Stan: Somebody in this class?
Mrs. Garrison: Uh, yes.
Class: Ohhhhh.
Cartman: Well who was it? [points to Kenny] It was Kenny, right?
Mrs. Garrison: That doesn't matter, it's over.
Cartman: Doesn't matter?! If somebody had parasites in their hair, we need to know who! [points to Kenny again] It was Kenny, wasn't it?
Red: I wanna know who it was, too.
Mrs. Garrison: It's being kept confidential! There's a policy in the schools not to single out a kid who has lice, because of the embarrassment it can cause, okay?!
Cartman: [pounds on his desk] That is bullcrap! You are denying our rights as children to totally rip on that kid and make him or her feel like an outcast!
Class: Yeah!
Bebe: And we have a right to know which boy had lice in his hair so we don't ever go out with them!
Craig: How do we know it was a boy? It could just have easily been one of you stupid girls!
Butters: Yeah! Dumb girls!
Mrs. Garrison: The case is closed! Whoever had the lice, they're dead now! We're moving on to Civil War history. [the camera zooms in on Clyde again] Ulysses S. Grant-
Scene Description: Clyde's scalp, the aftermath. Travis is asleep on the scalp, battered and bruised from the wind. He coughs himself awake and finds the egg with him, intact
Travis: Hope. Hope, you're alive. [he stands up to his full height and surveys the destruction all around him] My God... [a decomposed louse stands up and collapses on him] Heh?!
Louse 6: Help me... Help meeee... [it falls away and dies]
Louse 7: Travis. [Travis looks to his right] Over here! Travis, if you hadn't warned us to get up in them trees, we'd all be dead.
Travis: How many survivors?
Louse 7: Just the six of us. And the Vice President.
Travis: [notices and throws the Vice President up against a hair] You son of a bitch! You had a chance to stop this! So help me, if we live through this, I'm gonna see you rot in prison!
Louse 8: What do we do now?
Travis: [turns and faces the others] We aren't out of this yet! You two look for other survivors. You get whatever food you can and bring it back here. [the lice do as commanded]
Vice President: [the older louse] Who put you in charge?!
Travis: [turns around] God did! When he killed my wife! [turns back and walks away]
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day, hallway. The fourth graders leave the classroom.
Cartman: All right, the person who had head lice needs to speak up right now, so that we know to stay away from you! [Opposite Cartman are Jimmy, Tweek, Clyde, Anne, Bebe, Red. and two other kids. With Cartman are Craig, Token, Stan, Kyle, Kenny, Kevin, Butters, and Wendy]
Craig: Yeah, come on! We're gonna find out sooner or later.
Cartman: Okay, whoever you are, you are now not only a licehead, you're a liar! You're only making this worse on yourself!
Kyle: You know what? I'll bet it was you!
Cartman: Me?!
Kyle: This is exactly what you would do if they found lice in your hair! Try to lead the charge against somebody else to take the suspicion off of yourself!
Cartman: I don't think so, Kyle! But you know what?! This is exactly what you would do if you had had head lice! Try to get everyone to blame me!
Stan: You guys stop it! This isn't getting us anywhere!
Cartman: That's exactly what you would do if you had had head lice, Stan. [Stan is stunned]
Kyle: Yeah, try to have everyone make peace so it doesn't seem like a big deal.
Cartman: And this is exactly what Kenny would do: stand here and say nothing! [Kenny makes an angry face]
Butters: [sensing where this is going] Heh hey guys, what would I do?
Bebe: Let's just get a magnifying glass and look at everyone's heads.
Kyle: It's too late. The treatment would have killed it all.
Clyde: Well I guess we're never gonna know. There's no way to tell.
Cartman: There's a way! There's a way to find out who had sick-ass head cooties! And I'm gonna find it! [turns left and walks away. Clyde looks around]
Kyle: It was him. It had to have been him!
Stan: Yeah... Or you. [they check out each other]
Scene Description: Clyde's scalp. More survivors are brought to the clearing
Louse 9: Mark? Mark, you have to hang on.
Travis: This isn't going to stop. The world is rejecting us! If we're gonna live, we have to get off this planet.
Louse 8: How?
Travis: First we have to get out of the forest, into the forbidden zone. It's the only way we might even see another planet!
Louse 9: The forbidden zone... We'll be exposed. We'll die out there.
Travis: We'll die here! Look, the world is getting rid of us! Don't you get it?!
Louse 10: Getting rid of us? You-you mean like it knows what it's doing?
Travis: Yes! Because maybe we rolled the dice too many times!
Louse 9: I'm not leaving my husband.
Louse 11: Yeah huh-I'll take my chances here.
Travis: You can all stay here; I'm gonna try to save my baby. [turns around and walks away]
Louse 12: [redhead, runs up to him] I'll go with you. There's nothing left for me here.
Vice President: I wanna go too.
Travis: Not a chance.
Vice President: Look, I know I messed up, all right? But I think you're right. If we can get out of the forest, we might find another place to live.
Travis: If we find anything, we'll try to send help for the rest of you. [to the redhead and the Vice President] Let's go. [the redhead moves] Come on if you're comin' Mister Vice President! [turns left and follows the redhead]
Vice President: [tarries] Yeah. Right behind you. [pulls out a gun and cocks it]
Scene Description: A storage room somewhere in school. Cartman is wearing a detective coat as other fourth grade boys enter the room
Cartman: All right, lock that door, Craig! [Craig goes to lock the door]
Kyle: What's this about, Cartman? [the boys are now seated on a bench against a wall]
Cartman: I've come up with a test that can determine if it was any of us who had the head lice. [whips out a little propane torch from his right pocket] We're gonna find out once and for all who had head cooties. [whips out a lighter from his left pocket, strikes the lighter on, and uses the lighter to light the torch. He puts the lighter away. Clyde is scared now.] Lice feed on a person's blood, and just like mosquitoes they leave small traces of their saliva in the host's bloodstream. That saliva, is monochromagnic. So if an infected person's blood is touched by... this hot metal coil, say... that person's blood will jump 10 meters into the air.
Jimmy: Ur ur re- ur really?
Kyle: That's retarded! You didn't come up with that experiment, Cartman, you saw it in that movie, The Thing!
Cartman: [figuring out how to respond] This is a scientific test, designed to-
Kyle: You saw it in The Thing and you're wasting everyone's time!
Cartman: I thought you might say that, Kyle. Because you don't want to take the test, do you?!
Kyle: Nobody's blood is going to jump up in the air!
Cartman: If it isn't going to work, then what are you afraid of? The only person who wouldn't want to take the test is somebody who was worried it might work and reveal that they were the ones with lice!
Craig: Yeah. That's true.
Jimmy: I have no problem taking the test. I have nothing to hi-huhiii-hide
Token: Yeah. Me neither.
Kyle: All right, fine. I'll do the dumb test.
Cartman: Everyone take a Petri dish and a syringe. We need at least 30 cc's of blood from each one of you.
Scene Description: The storage room, moments later. The boys have all given their 30 cc's in the labeled Petri dishes.
Cartman: All right, now everyone back over there! [the boys head back to the bench] We'll start with what I already know. [moves the heated coil tip over the blood sample. Only steam comes from it]
Butters: Well, guess that proves Eric wasn't the one with head lice.
Kyle: It doesn't prove anything!
Cartman: Yeah? Let's just see what your blood does, Kyle! [takes Kyle's Petri dish and ...the same thing happens] Huh, I guess you're clean. [tries another Petri dish]
Clyde: Ye-you guys, we'd better go. Recess is almost over.
Cartman: It's all right, it won't take much longer, just-AHH AHHGH! [sticks the tip into the Petri dish, causing the blood to heat up and jump out of the dish. He gets the blood all over himself, and for good measure, tosses the rest of the blood onto himself.]
Token: What the hell?! [Clyde is scared shitless. Cartman turns the dish around to reveal the name: Kenny]
Cartman: Kenny!
Kyle: No way.
Craig: You were right all along, Eric. It was Kenny.
Cartman: Of course I was right! I told you only poor people get lice! [silence for a second or two, then Kenny bolts for the door, pushing Craig aside, opening the door, and running down the hall]
Scene Description: Clyde's scalp. The survivors have made it to the hairline.
Louse 12: We've done it. We've reached the forbidden zone. [a vast space of... nothing, like a desert] I've always heard stories about this place. Never thought it was real.
Travis: It's real. Real as my love for my unborn baby.
Vice President: So what exactly is your plan, Travis?
Travis: Our ancestors came here from another world. Maybe there's still other worlds out there with life forms like us. Maybe there's even a world where they've learned to live with the planet instead of just on it.
Louse 12: Travis. Travis, you're, so wise, so strong. If we make it out of this, I'd like to... be with you.
Travis: Sorry, babe, but my heart is forever stenciled in permanent ink with the name [closes his eyes] Kelly.
Louse 12: She was a lucky woman to have you.
Travis: Luck had nothin' to do with it. [a gunshot from behind kills the redhead, who wobbles forward, then back and to the ground. The Vice President keeps his gun trained on her corpse]
Vice President: [aims his gun at Travis] Sorry to cut the honeymoon short!
Travis: Why you murdering bastard!
Vice President: Your little fantasy of another world ends here! Walk!
Travis: What the hell do you want, Vice President?!
Vice President: Walk! [Travis turns and walks, and the Vice President follows him, keeping the gun trained on him.]
Scene Description: Clyde's house, day. The doorbell rings and Clyde goes to answer it. Cartman, Craig, and a few others - Token and Jimmy - are outside with socks and bars of soap.
Craig: Clyde, dude, get down to the park. We caught Kenny, and we're all gonna let him have it! [points to the sock in his right hand]
Clyde: What? What are you gonna do to him?
Cartman: He lied to us all! He betrayed his kind! We all know what has to happen. [beat] Grab a sock and a bar of soap, and meet us at the park! [they turn and head off]
Clyde: [his eyes wander as he thinks] You guys, wait. [the guys turn around]
Cartman: What, Clyde?
Clyde: I... nothing.
Cartman: All right, see you there! [the guys turn around and leave] Remember, bar of soap and a sock! Kenny's gonna get it!
Token, Craig: Yeah!
Jimmy: Yeah! We're gonna fu-fu-fuck him up! [Clyde sees them leave, then backs up, scared]
Scene Description: Mrs. Garrison's house, day. Mrs. Garrison seems to be preparing an omelet for herself, adding garlic salt and putting it aside. The phone rings and she picks up.
Mrs. Garrison: Yello?
Clyde: Mrs. Garrison, one of your students is about to be attacked at the park by all the other students.
Mrs. Garrison: What? Who's going to get attacked? Who is this?!
Clyde: Please just hurry to the park! You have to stop them!
Scene Description: Clyde's scalp, the hairline. The Vice President and Travis are still walking
Vice President: That's good! That's far enough! [Travis stops and turns]
Travis: What are you going to do?
Vice President: I'm gonna go back to the village, start to rebuild, mate with the females, become... President!
Travis: Don't you get it? The world doesn't want you here! It's not gonna stop until you're dead!
Vice President: It was a disaster! Disasters happen!
Travis: Then go ahead and die there, I'm leavin' with my baby!
Vice President: Actually, you're never leaving here either, Travis! [shoots out the knees of Travis's hind legs]
Travis: Damn you! Why?!
Vice President: Because when I'm President, I can't have pests like you constantly trying to preach that the world is alive! You're an idealistic fool! The world is not "conscious," we are conscious! If the world was alive, it would feel this! [plugs six bullets into Clyde's scalp]
Scene Description: Clyde's neighborhood, day. He's walking towards the park.
Clyde: [feeling the little stings] Ow. [reaches back to the base of his skull]
Scene Description: Clyde's scalp, the hairline. The Vice President is about to finish Travis off
Vice President: You die he- [looks up. Two fingers reach down and grab him. He screams like he's never screamed before as Travis watches the fingers take him away.]
Scene Description: Clyde's neighborhood, day. Clyde glances at the louse and tosses it away. The Vice President screams to his death on the sidewalk below.
Scene Description: Clyde's scalp, the hairline. Travis tries to stand up, but ends up flat on his back. He can no longer move, so he just cries.
Scene Description: The neighborhood park. The boys have gathered on the basketball court to let Kenny have it.
Cartman: Kenny McCormick, you are charged with bringing head cooties into our school, and lying about it to cover your ass! How do you plead?!
Kenny: [restrained by Kevin and Bradley] (Not guilty!)
Cartman: Guilty! I thought so! [the boys pull down his hood and coat, and his shirt]
Craig: All right, let's do this!
Clyde: You guys, maybe we should just... wait a few more minutes?
Cartman: All right, Kenny. You know what has to happen! Sock bath! Everyone wash Kenny with the soap and dry him off with the socks! [the boys gang up on Kenny and give him the sock bath]
Kenny: Nohoho! No, not the socks! Ahhhgh, stop!
Clyde: Wait, wait!
Kyle: Wait... stop it, stop it! [he walks away; the others stop and look at him] I can't let Kenny be sock-dried.
Craig: He had cooties and he lied about it!
Kyle: [looks over his left shoulder] Kenny didn't have the head lice, all right?! [looks away] It was me.
Clyde: What?
Kyle: I was the one. I was too afraid to say anything, but I can't let Kenny be sock-bathed for it.
Stan: Why are you saying that, Kyle? You can't be the one who had head lice. [walks up to him] Because I was. You're just trying to make me feel bad because you figured that out, didn't you?!
Clyde: Wait a-wait a minute, what?
Cartman: Oh I get it. [walks up to Stan and Kyle] This is some kind of big trick on me! You've known I was the one with head lice all along, huh?!
Stan: You had head lice?
Cartman: Of course! Why do you think I went through that elaborate bullcrap experiment to frame Kenny?!
Mrs. Garrison: [offscreen] You all had head lice! [the boys look up and off to the left. Mrs. Garrison walks up to them on the court] Every single person in the class! The boys aaand the girls! Lice spreads fast, you dumb-asses!
Craig: I thought I was the only one.
Butters: Me too.
Cartman: But that means... that means Kenny was lying! Sock bath! [the other boys join in the chant "Sock bath!" and gang up on Kenny once again]
Scene Description: Clyde's hair. With the redhead and the Vice President gone, Travis is left alone with his thoughts.
Travis: Kelly. Kelly, can you hear mih? I don't know if you can. But... I wanted you to know I tried. I tried to save our baby. But I let you down, babe. [blinks. A light shines on him and a vision of Kelly descends. Travis holds his left hand up as a visor to make sure he's not hallucinating] Keh... k-Kelly? [Kelly's apparition disappears, replaced by a fly. Travis climbs on to one of the fly's legs, and the fly takes off. After a long while, the fly alights on a new host and Travis drops to the ground, asleep. Members of a darker, buffer species of louse watch from the shadows. They prop him up and carry him away]
Louse 13: You are welcome here. [the colony here is well-developed, with entrances to dwellings going up several stories, making the hairs act as high-rise apartments. The residents there wave as he passes by] You're safe now. We've lived here for generation after generation, never being disturbed.
Travis: Heh. We made it, Hope. We made it, Kelly! [at this point the camera pulls back, out of the hair, and out of the space between a pair of female legs. The camera pulls back enough to show an actress exiting her limousine.]
Scene Description: An actress with big lips is seen coming out of a limousine, with photographers ready to take pictures of her.
Agent: Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Angelina Jolie! [photographers start snapping away with their cameras]
Angelina Jolie: Hello, everyone! [scratches her groin through her dress] Hello!