Announcer: This program contains subject matter and language that might be disturbing to some viewers. Viewer discretion is advised.
Towelie: [walking down the street being friendly] Hey everybody, how's it goin'?
Scene Description: The Towel
Scene Description: The Drug Addict
Towelie: [taking a hit from a bong] I just... I just can't seem to stop.
Scene Description: Towelie has agreed to be in a documentary about addiction
Towelie: Hey you! You goin' swimmin'? Don't forget to bring a towel. [coughs]
Scene Description: He does not know he is about to face an intervention
Towelie: [stumbling around, tattered and wasted] Get out of my face! Get out of here! [runs at the camera and shoves it out of his face. The camera spins around in a blur of lights]
Scene Description: Intervention
Towelie: [in studio] My name is Towelie. T O W E L uh-Y E Y. I'm great at cleanin' up spills. [a man spills his drink in a mall and Towelie throws himself at it, soaking it up. Next, he sends himself into a washing machine at a laundromat] And I'm 100% machine washable. I'm just... an ordinary towel, in a lot of ways. [hangs himself up to dry on a clothesline in someone's backyard] Except for one. [back to the studio] I'm addicted to marijuana. And crystal meth. ...aaand crack. [next scene is a wasted Towelie taking another hit from his bong]
Scene Description: Nine years ago Towlie started smoking marijuana. Two years later he startedexperimenting with crystal meth.
Towelie: [scorched and wasted, walks down the street] Hey buddy, want your dick sucked? [bends over for a moment] Does anybody want their dick sucked by a towel?
Stan: Towelie has become a complete nightmare in our town! He's broken into my house twice, and stolen my allowance! I-I've got almost nothing left!
Kyle: If we're playing outside he shows up completely wasted and, and screaming how the government is following 'im.
Butters: [cries, taking a tissue from the box next to him] Why I, I just don't wanna watch him kill himself... I don't even know who he is anymore!
Stan: There's noo doubt in my mind that if we don't get Towelie help, our entire summer is gonna be ruined! [Towelie is shown lighting a joint as the camera pulls away]
Scene Description: A Lake Tardicaca, Camp for the Handicapped, day. It sits by the side of a lake, and disabled campers mill around in it. Some campers sit around a campfire, others help set up tents, still others play in the lake. The following song plays as the scene is established
Singers: Are you ready for the summer? Are you ready for the good times? Are you ready for the birds and bees? The apple trees? And a whole lot of fooling around? Are you ready for the summer? Are you ready for the good times? Are you ready for the birds and bees? The apple trees? And a whole lot of fooling around? Are you ready for the fireflies, the moonlit skies, and a whole lot of fooling around
Scene Description: Timmy and Jimmy walk into camp. Jimmy sports some blue sunglasses. Both boys are dressed for swimming
Jimmy: Oh boy, Timmy, it's our favorite time of year.
Timmy: Timmeh!
Jimmy: We get to see all our old friends again. Hey, there's Francis. Hey Francis!
Francis: [practicing how to light a fire with a stick, a bow, and a small board] Hi Jimmy, hi Tim.
Timmy: [waves, grinning] Timmy.
Specialist 1: Wow, look at Lenora everyone. [Lenora dog-paddles her way to the shore] Good job. Come on, good job Lenora. Ahahall right, good, let's get Lenora a towel. [Lenora begins to shiver. The song ends at this point] Come on, come on, where's the towel?
Specialist 2: [looks inside the towel cart] The towel isn't here. I think it's off getting high again.
Scene Description: For the past week Towelie has been working at a summer camp for handicapped children. He has been given warnings for getting high fourteen times.
Scene Description: Towelie is tying a rubber band around his upper right arm, preparing to inject himself
Specialist 3: [walks nearby looking for him] Hey! [startled, Towelie lets the rubber band snap off and fall to the ground] Where is that towel?!
Towelie: Oh yeah, just a sec. [the specialist sees him]
Stan: [in studio] We went out and got Towelie a job so he could try to pay us back all the money he owes us! [crosses his arms] Stupid towel!
Specialist 3: [now next to Towelie] What's going on, Towel?
Towelie: Oh yeah I just had to take a piss. Sorry.
Specialist 3: We got wet campers down there! Move your ass!
Kyle: [in studio] When Towelie is doing heroin, he doesn't care about anything.
Towelie: [now wasted and tattered] I don't care about anything. Stupid... handicapped... camp. [walks by a campfire circle where Jimmy is holding court with his team]
Jimmy: Alright blue team. As team captain, I need to make sure we are ready for the big camp competition.
"Elmer Fudd": Oh we're weady aww wight. We can weawwy stick it to the wed team this yeaw, wahahahaha.
"Beaky Buzzard": No way, Red Team can beat us, no way. Haha, hahaha.
"Droopy Dawg": Red Team won't know what hit them.
Jimmy: All right! Everyone together! Are we gonna beat Red Team this year?
Blue Team: Yeah!
Timmy: Timmy!
Blue Team: Yeah! [a couple of members go on separately] Alright!
Scene Description: Nearby, Nathan and a huge boy listen in
Nathan: I can't stand him, Mimsy. That Jimmy kid makes my fuckin... skin crawl.
Mimsy: Duhh you always hated Jimmy, boss. Ever since he whooped you at soifin' last summer camp, he really took it to you good, haha.
Nathan: [smacks him with a right hook and then shakes his fist] Shut up, Mimsssyyy!
Mimsy: Doh, sorry, boss.
Nathan: Listen to me: there is no way that Blue Team is gonna beat Red Team this year at camp. You got that?
Scene Description: Blue Team has beaten Red Team the past three summers at Lake Tardicaca. The three legged race is Blue Team's best event.
Nathan: What we need to do, Mimsy, is use a little brainpower to make sure Blue Team can't compete.
Mimsy: Oh boy, we're gonna ruin Blue Team's chances, huh? We're gonna break their legs or somethin', boss?
Nathan: [smacks him with a right hook and then shakes his fist] Shut up, Mimsssyyy! Just do what I say, and we can make sure Jimmy Valmer gets what's comin' to him.
Scene Description: Specialist 1 has applied Towelie to Lenora, and Towelie gets her dry.
Specialist 1: There you go, Lenora, all better now?
Lenora: Yes, thanks.
Towelie: That's right. When you go swimmin', don't forget to bring a... [throws up all over Lenora]
Lenora: Uhhh!
Specialist 3: Who hired that towel? It can barely walk, let alone dry somebody off.
Towelie: [picking a fight] You think you're better than me? Huh?! You think you're fuckin' hot shit?!
Stan: [in studio] A lot of times, when Towelie shoots heroin he just... gets angry at everybody.
Towelie: You can all suck it! You're all, you're all a bunch of towels, that's what you are! [walks off in disgust]
Butters: [in studio, sobbing] The thing is, Towelie was pretty happy before. He had a girlfriend he liked. [a picture of the couple is shown, but her face is blurry. The picture was taken at a restaurant booth] And then she got pregnant and had a little washcloth. [A picture of the three of them at the hospital. She shows off Washcloth, but her face is still blurry] Mm but then Towelie just kept gettin' more and more high, and he got kicked out of the house.
Towelie: [wasted. wandering in the woods] Fuck you! Let me talk to 'im! Let me talk to 'im, you bitch!
Scene Description: Towelie is attempting to talk to his son. His ex-wife will not let her son talk to Towelie when he is high.
Towelie: No! I'm not high! I haven't been high since Wednesday! [the anger leaves his face] Oh. Oh it is Wednesday?
Scene Description: Camp Tardicaca, day. One of the specialists stands next to an event scoreboard with ten events listed
Specialist 1: [over the megaphone] All right, campers! Our first event is the big canoe race!
"Pete Puma": Oh boy, the canoe races! Heeee! [the team turns right and walks away]
"Porky Pig": We gotta be uh bitty bitty uh we uh we gotta be we gotta be uh we gotta bibbity beat the Red Team. [turns and walks off with the others. Nearby, Nathan and Mimsy listen in again]
Nathan: I've got it, Mimsy. I got a way to win the race and get rid of Jimmy for good.
Mimsy: Darrr, oh boy, what are we gonna do, boss?
Nathan: Simple, Mimsy. [pulls out a bag with something in it] We're gonna put a little surprise in the canoe.
Mimsy: Doh, dohhh, what kind of surprise uh? [Nathan pulls a snake out of the bag by its head] Oh! It's a snake.
Nathan: Not just any snake, Mimsy. It's a Black Mamba.
Scene Description: The Black Mamba is the deadliest snake known to man. The odds of surviving a Black Mamba in your canoe are 546 to 1.
Mimsy: Aww, dah, gee whiz boss, we're gonna kill all the Blue Team and Jimmy, huh? [Nathan shushes him]
Specialist 4: You boys excited for the canoe race?
Nathan: Yes, counselor Steve. I like the fun canoe.
Specialist 4: [encouraged] Canoes are fun, aren't they? [walks away]
Nathan: [now that the counselor is gone...] Now take the Black Mamba, [hands the bag to Mimsy] Mimsy, and put it in the canoe. I'm gonna go get our team ready.
Scene Description: The teams have sat down inside their canoes
Specialist 1: All right, campers are we ready?
All: Yeah!
Nathan: Good luck, Jimmy.
Jimmy: You too, Ne-n-Nathan.
Nathan: You're gonna need it, you fuckin' asshole.
Specialist 1: Oh your mark, get set. [another specialist shoots off her gun, and both boats take off. Nathan switches his oar to his right side, but notices something on the floor: the Black Mamba Mimsy was to put in the other canoe.]
Nathan: Aaah! Holy shit, Mimsy! What the hell did you do?!
Mimsy: Darrr, you said to put the Black Mamba in the canoe, boss.
Nathan: [shakes his fist] Not in our canoe, Mimsy!
Scene Description: Mimsy has put the Black Mamba snake in the wrong canoe. The odds of the Red Team winning the canoe race are now 1 in 19.
Scene Description: Nathan's crew begins to bail on him, allowing the Blue Team to win this event
"Sylvester": We crossth the finish line firsht!
Scene Description: Lake Tardicaca. Steve rushes to a supply shack to get Towelie
Steve: [tries to open the door, but finds it locked] Heeey. Hey, we need a towel! [pounds on the door]
Towelie: Uh, oh, um, uh, just a sec!
Steve: Not just a sec! We've got a whole lot of wet campers down there! [tries to get the door open by throwing himself at it a few times] What's going on?! [kicks the door in and is instantly shocked at what he sees: Towelie on his knees in front of an elderly man who's pulling up his pants]
Scene Description: Towelie makes extra money for drugs by offering oral sex to older men.
Scene Description: The man rushes out of the shack while the specialist remains speechless
Towelie: Hey, you owe me money, asshole!
Scene Description: The camp office, later.
Specialist 1: That's it, we're done! You are no longer employed here!
Kyle: Please, sir.
Specialist 1: We need a nice, clean towel here at summer camp. We don't need a towel that shoots heroin and has sex for money!
Towelie: Heh, some people are so picky about their towels.
Scene Description: Lake Tardicaca, later.
Specialist 3: All right campers, next event is the big scavenger hunt! Blue Team is gonna go first. [Nathan and Mimsy stand nearby, overhearing the specialist]
Nathan: I finally got it, Mimsy. I got a way we can kill Jimmy and beat the Blue Team.
Mimsy: Oh boy, what are we gonna do to him, huh boss?
Nathan: Simple. We're gonna get Jimmy killed by Native Americans. [reaches into his back pocket and pulls out a map] Here, take this. [Mimsy takes it and opens it up] It's a fake scavenger hunt map.
Mimsy: Dahhh, this map leads to the scavenger hunt?
Nathan: No, that map leads to the Indian reservation. We switch this with Blue Team's scavenger hunting map, and they'll end up right on the Tardicaca Indian Reservation.
Scene Description: The Tardicaca Indians are extremely protective of their land. Trespassing on the Tardicaca Reservation is considered extremely dangerous.
Mimsy: Dah-oh boy! We're gonna get Jimmy killed by Indians, huh boss? [again Nathan shushes him as a specialist draws near to them]
Counselor Steve: Are you boys excited for the neat scavenger hunt?
Nathan: Yes, Counselor Steve. I like a scavenger hunt. [Steve walks away] Alright Mimsy, now you take this map to the Indian Reservation, and you switch it with Blue Team's map. You got that, Mims? You switch the map! Switch! The map!
Mimsy: I got it, boss. Switch the map. Switch the map. [walks away]
Scene Description: Lake Tardicaca, day. Nathan leads his team into the woods for scavenging.
Mimsy: Dah how come we're scavenger huntin' now, boss?
Nathan: Because, stupid, now that we have Blue Team's map we can get their scavenger prize too.
Mimsy: Dahhhoh boy!
Scene Description: The boys find themselves in a clearing. Nathan takes a look around
Nathan: This doesn't make sense. Why would they make us walk this far? We're handicapped. "Turn left at the..." Wait. Waitaminute, what? What the? [finds his way onto the Tardicaca Burial Grounds] Oh fuck! Mimsy! This is the map to the Indian Reservation!
Mimsy: Why sure it is, boss.
Nathan: I told you to switch this with the map for the Blue Team!
Mimsy: No, you told me to switch the map, switch the map, so I switched it, and I switched it. [his motions indicate he just flipped the map this way and that]
Nathan: Miiimmmssssyyyy! [all of a sudden, Indians appear on horseback.] Uh, my name is Nathan. I'm disabled. [the Indians fire at him and arrows go flying all over the place. He's struck a few times.] AAAAA!
Scene Description: Intervention
Scene Description: Towelie is walking towards a Supply Max store
Towelie:: Hey everybody. Let's all go to the office supply store. [inside he grabs as many bottles of computer duster as he can]
Scene Description: Towelie has run out of money for hard drugs. He now inhales computer duster to get high.
Cashier: You must have one dusty computer.
Towelie: [irritated] Fuck you! It's not illegal, bitch! [goes to his red car outside, gets in, and closes the door. Inside he takes out a bottle of computer duster and starts sniffing. He goes through bottle after bottle, screwing up his face more and more] I feel like I could conquer the world.
Scene Description: Towelie now inhales up to 2,000 cans of computer duster a day.
Towelie: [taking a short break from his sniffing] It's like I'm walkin' on sunshine.
Butters: [in studio] I really think this intervention is Towelie's last chance. [at the Supply Max parking lot, walks up and kicks the door on Towelie's car] Towelie! Open the door!
Towelie: Go away! I'm walking on sunshine!
Butters: Towelie, I gotta take you somewhere really important!
Towelie: Jus', just let me walk on the sunshine a little more. [Butters waits]
Scene Description: Lake Tardicaca, day. The head specialist comes to announce some results
Specialist 1: [through the megaphone] All right! In the surfing competition, the Red Team is up three points to two. ["Elmer Fudd" puts his surfboard away] And now it's Jimmy Valmer's turn. [Jimmy goes out into the open water on his board]
Timmy: Timmeh!
Francis: Gee, I wish our team captain was as awesome as Jimmy. [The camera pans across the dock and on to Nathan and Mimsy]
Nathan: I finally got it, Mimsy. I got a way we can get rid of Jimmy once and for all.
Mimsy: Oh boy oh boy! What are we gonna do to him, boss?
Nathan: Simple. We're gonna get Jimmy eaten by a shark. [pulls out a small box in which is a whistle. He opens the box and takes out the whistle, and hads it to Mimsy] Here, take this. [Mimsy takes it, and Nathan puts the box back in his back pocket] It's a shark-mating whistle.
Mimsy: Dahhh okay boss, a shark-mating whistle. We're gonna hit him over the head with it, huh boss?'
Nathan: No, you moron. You go under the water and blow that whistle. You can attract sharks right as Jimmy starts to surf.
Scene Description: The Tardicaca shark is the deadliest freshwater shark in Colorado. A shark mating whistle can attract the shark from over two miles away. * Colorado Department of Wildlife
Mimsy: Dahhh I've got it boss. I blow the whistle and make the shark come and bite Jimmy's legs off. [getting excited] Then he bleeds to death. He's gonna bleed to death. [Nathan shushes him again as Steve walks by]
Steve: Are you boys enjoying the fun beach?
Nathan: Yes, Counselor Steve. The beach is warm. [Steve walks off]
Mimsy: Gee that was a close one, huh boss? They almost had me saying we were gonna kill Jimmy.
Nathan: [smacks him with a left hook and then shakes his fist] Shut up, Mimsssyyy! Just swim in the water where Jimmy is, then blow that whistle.
Mimsy: Dohh boy! [walks away to complete his mission]
Scene Description: On the lake, Jimmy is set to surf to shore. He waits for a wave. On the shore...
"Pete Puma": Yeah I don't know, Timmy. Those waves are pretty big, heeeee.
Timmy: Timmih.
"Beaky Buzzard": Uhuhuh. Don't worry, Jimmy can handle himself.
Jimmy: Gonna catch a wave... [no wave is coming. Underwater, Mimsy swims by]
Mimsy: Dahhh I got me a shark whistle.
Jimmy: Oh boy, here it comes! Here it comes! [a wave rises high behind him and lifts him with it, then crashes down over and in front of him]
"Droopy Dawg": Oh no! Jimmy!
"Elmer Fudd": Wait, look! He's doing it! [Jimmy rises to the top and the campers cheer. He's doing all the surfing moves. Meanwhile, Mimsy comes out of the water and walks up to Nathan.]
Mimsy: Dohoho, oh boy!
Nathan: Mimsy, you didn't do wha' I told you.
Mimsy: Dahh whattaya mean, boss? You said to swim in the water and to blow the whistle. I swam in the water, so now I'm gonna blow the whistle. [blows hard into the whistle]
Scene Description: Mimsy was supposed to blow the shark whistle while still under the water. There appears to have been a fundamental misunderstanding.
Scene Description: Mimsy blows the whistle a few more times
Nathan: You fucking idiot! You don't blow a shark mating whistle on dry land! You were supposed to blow it- [a shark jumps out of the water, lands on him, and begins to hump him] eh uh uh...
Scene Description: Mimsy's error has caused a Lake Shark to come onto the beach and mate with Nathan. The Tardicaca Lake Shark's penis is nine inches long. * Colorado Department of Wildlife
Nathan: Mimsssyyy! Get this thing off of meee!
Scene Description: Intervention day
Stan: [in studio] Today is Towelie's intervention. We have ...no idea how he's gonna react.
Butters: Um come on, Towelie, it's, it's right over here.
Scene Description: Towelie thinks he is onhis way to the Laundromat.
Scene Description: Butters leads a battered and wasted Towelie to a door and opens the door. They walk into the room and see Clyde, Kyle, Cartman, Kenny, and Stan, as well as a therapist, all waiting for them.
Towelie: Wha' what's goin' on?
Jeff Van Vonderen: You wanna come over, have a seat with your friends? [Butters takes a seat between Kyle and Cartman, making space for Towelie to sit between him and Kyle. Towelie follows Butters to the sofa]
Towelie: What is everybody doing here?
Jeff Van Vonderen: We've all just been talking, Towelie, and and what I'm hearing is a bunch of people here who just love the heck outtaya. And, they're gonna way what they wanna say, and you're gonna say what you wanna say, and we're done. Okay?
Butters: [reads from a note he wrote down earlier] Towelie, over the past couple of years, I have seen drug addiction affect you in the following ways.
Towelie: Aw Jesus, man.
Jeff Van Vonderen: Ah ah Towelie, you need to let him finish.
Butters: You're not the towel you used to be. [sniffles] Where, as you used to be fluffy and absorbent, ye-you now are crusty and... and unable to absorb the smallest amount of water. Will you get help today?
Towelie: I I don't, I don't get this.
Jeff Van Vonderen: Kyle?
Kyle: [reads from a note he wrote down earlier] Towelie, over the past few months I have watched you go from an ancillary character with a few amusing catchphrases to a dried out spooge rag covered in the jizz of a thousand older men.
Towelie: Could we just end this please?
Jeff Van Vonderen: You have to let him finish, Towelie.
Kyle: If you do not accept treatment I will no longer give you money or be your friend. I will not help you kill yourself.
Jeff Van Vonderen: Alright. Eric, do you wanna go next?
Cartman: [reads his note] Kyle, I hate you so much. You are a liar and a swindler who would do anything for money, and I-.
Kyle: We're here for Towelie, fatass!
Cartman: I'm supposed to be allowed to finish, right? Is that right? [clears his throat] The Jews have been persecuted across the earth for good reason, Kyle. You are a race of beady-eyed thieves who are always wan- [Kyle walks over and rips the note from Cartman's hands]
Kyle: This is serious, you fucking asshole!
Cartman: I'm being serious, Kyle! Hello?!
Jeff Van Vonderen: Kyle, we have to let people be allowed to finish during interventions.
Kyle: But he's just using his time on television to rant about-
Jeff Van Vonderen: Kyle please, It is not your turn!
Cartman: [takes his note back. Kyle walks back to his seat] You are a race of beady-eyed thieves, Kyle, who throughout the millennia have squirmed and worked your way into the dark cubbyholes of society. [puts down that sheet, but reaches into his back pocket for another one] Where exactly did the Jews first get their power and how are they able to manipulate our minds today?
Kyle: Oh my God!
Scene Description: Lake Tardicaca, night. Time for the Talent Show Competition! A Hawaiian song starts up. Jimmy is singing and playing ukulele
Jimmy: It's a snap at Tardicaca Camp to learn to do the hula hula danceI fell in love with a Tardicaca dove while doin' that funny funny dance.And that poor little kid, why she never did know what love had in store.So I made up my mind-
Nathan: Get ready, Mimsy. Blue Team is about to go boom.
Scene Description: Nathan and Mimsy stand in the shadows with their fingers in their ears
Scene Description: Red Team planted half a pound of C4 in Jimmy's ukulele. It is set to go off during the ukulele solo of 'Tardicaca Hula Gal'
Jimmy: So I made up my mind that I've just got to find the Tardicaca girl I did adore.
Campers: Wawawawander...
Jimmy: Hurr a little Tardicaca...
Campers: Hula...
Jimmy: She's a candy cane to wiggle
Campers: Hula...
Jimmy: She's sure to make you g-giggle.
Campers: Hula...
Jimmy: With her naughty little wiggle. I know someday
Campers: Hula...
Jimmy: I'm gonna try to make that Tardicaca gally mine, gally mine.'Cause all the while I'm dreaming of her. My Tardicaca Hola Gal! [begins playing the solo, but hits a B, which is off] Oh sorry, that's not right. Hang on. [tries playing it again, but this time hits an A. Behind some trees, Nathan and Mimsy look on]
Mimsy: Dahh I don't think he's playing the right note, boss. The C4 aint gonna go off.
Nathan: [smacks him with a right hook and then shakes his fist] Shut up, Mimsssyyy!
Scene Description: Intervention. Cartman continues to speak and now has a pile of notes to his right about two feet tall, enough for twelve thick books
Cartman: If in fact the Jews truly are shapeshifters, and I believe I've presented enough evidence here to prove that they are, then we must unite as a species to fight them and stop their plan of global domination and the control of our freedom. [puts the note on top of the pile and sits there quietly]
Jeff Van Vonderen: Okay, Stan, you want to go next?
Stan: [reads his note] Towelie, if you do not go to treatment, we will all ignore you forever. Will you go?
Towel: What treatment?! What are you all talkin' about?!
Jeff Van Vonderen: If you say yes, we leave here, pack your things, get on a plane, go to a treatment facility in Southern California, it's all set up.
Towelie: No! Fuck no! I'm not gettin' on, no fucking plane! This is bullshit! Don't give me fuckin' ultimatums! I thought you were my fuckin' friends.
Jeff Van Vonderen: Well Towelie, your friends don't wanna watch you kill yourself anymore.
Towelie: Then fuck them! You're tellin' me I have to do this? Uh, I'm not left with any decisions here! [storms out of the intervention room]
Butters: [emotional] Towelie! We aren't the only ones in this intervention who've been hurt by you!
Towelie: Who are you talkin' about?! [Butters pulls out Washcloth from his back pocket and cries] Washcloth? You, you brought Washcloth?! Oh, that's low.
Scene Description: Lake Tardicaca, night. Jimmy is still singing "Tardicaca Hula Gal"
Jimmy: Out on the beach with my cute little peach where the waves are rolling in so highHolding her hand, our feet on the sand-
Nathan: Dammit dammit!
Scene Description: Jimmy has skipped the ukulele solo and moved on to the second verse of 'Tardicaca Hula Gal'. This has set back Nathan's plans immensely.
Nathan: Mimsy, get out there and demand the ukulele solo. It's our only chance.
Mimsy: Dahh okay boss. [goes towards the stage]
Jimmy: If you get in a pinch, go through, it's a cinch-
Mimsy: [at the stage] Darrr we want the ukulele solo! We want the ukulele solo!
Jimmy: Sorry Mims, I I just can't remember it.
Mimsy: Well we wants ya to play it, don't we?
Nathan: [behind the audience] Yeeeah!
Jimmy: Alright Mimsy, m-maybe you can show me how it's done. [hands the ukulele to Mimsy]
Mimsy: [hesitates, then] Dahh okay. It's real easy. You just play it like this. [takes the ukulele and begins to play]
Nathan: [runs up and takes the ukulele from Mimsy] Mimsssyyy! You idio', wha' are you doin'?
Mimsy: D'I was gonna show him how to play the solo, boss.
Nathan: That DOES it! I'm sick and tired of your stupidity, Mimsy! You are the biggest idiot I have ever met! And from now on, if I wanna do something, I'm gonna do it myself! [plays the solo and hits the right note. The ukulele blows up, launching him into the air] AAAAAAAA!
Scene Description: Nathan's frustration with Mimsy has caused a momentary lapse in judgement. He has played the B flat himself, thus causing his plan to literally backfire on him.
Nathan: [lands with a thud on the beach] Uuuh! [gets up and swoons. The black mamba snake comes up and bites him on the left arm] AAAH! [a group of Tardicaca Indians rides by and shoots arrows into him. He falls to the ground again. The Tardicaca shark comes up out of the water again and humps him, again.] No, not the shark again! Not the shark again!
Scene Description: The intervention room. Towelie, Butters, and the therapist are all crying as Washcloth just lays there at the edge of a sofa cushion.
Towelie: Oh no, oh Washcloth, I'm so sorry.
Butters: He needs you to get better, Towelie. Please. [resumes crying]
Jeff Van Vonderen: You've got so many people that just love the heck out of ya, Towelie. [resumes crying]
Towelie: All right. All right, I'll go.
Butters: You will?
Towelie: I don't wanna hurt Washcloth anymore.
Jeff Van Vonderen: He's goin', everybody. Hugs! [the other boys come in and hug Towelie]
Scene Description: Lake Tardicaca, day. The paramedics have been called in and are preparing Nathan for the trip to the hospital
"Elmer Fudd": Ohh Wed Team. Your captain weawwy got waped.
"Pete Puma": I've never seen a kid get screwed by a shark before. Heeee!
"Beaky Buzzard": I hope I never see it again. Ahhahahaha.
Jimmy: Nathan, your team put up an amazing fight. And even though I was crowned the King of Cripple Camp, I want you to know that you were the real ch-cha, champ.
Nathan: I hate you, Jimmy. I fucking hate you with everything in my entire being.
Mimsy: Dahhh you sure got it stuck it to you this year, boss.
Nathan: Shut up... Mimsssyyy. [the paramedics lift Nathan into the ambulance and take off]
Scene Description: Towelie is shown in flight
Scene Description: Towelie is going to Ocean View Terrace Treatment Center in Rancho Palos Verdes, California
Scene Description: Towelie is shown approaching the front doors to the treatment center with a small suitcase
Counselor: Hi, Towelie?
Towelie: Yeah, hi.
Counselor: [in his office] Towelie is definitely one of the most addicted towels we've ever seen here. He's probably the second most psychologically damaged towel I've come across since treating Kirstie Alley's towel, which, had seen some... uuff, some nasty stuff.
Towelie: [on a bench overlooking the ocean] I don't know what tomorrow's gonna bring, but I'm learnin' to love what I am. I'm a towel.
Singer: Veins swell You know me, Ellen Enough to tell Five steps, you're over
Scene Description: Towelie finished treatment and is back living with his girlfriend Rebecca. He has been sober since April 26, 2010.
Scene Description: If you know a towel that is suffering from addiction, please go to www.restorestephenbaldwin.org


Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. School lets out for the day, but Cartman sits in front of his locker crying. Stan and Kyle come into view and walk towards him
Stan: Cartman, dude, what's wrong?
Cartman: [crying quietly] Nothing. Just leave me alone, okay?
Kyle: Dude, you've been sitting at your locker crying since lunch break. Something's going on.
Cartman: It's just uh... that essay that Garrison assigned us.
Kyle: "What I Wanna Be When I Grow Up"?
Cartman: I don't like thinking about what I wanna be when I grow up, alright?! [buries his head in his lap and cries some more]
Stan: Why not?
Cartman: Because when I grow up, I wanna be something that I know I can never be, Stan!
Stan: [faces Cartman] Cartman, tell us.
Cartman: [sniffs] No... I wanna be a NASCAR driver, okay? When I see the... car races on TV, those... loud engines and peeling wheels, it's soo cool! [cries some more]
Stan: Well Cartman, if you wanna drive NASCAR when you grow up, you can.
Cartman: [cynically, walks off a bit] Oh right. Someone like me can be a NASCAR driver. [turns around and faces the boys] Look at me! [gestures to himself] Do you really think someone like this can ever become an awesome, famous NASCAR driver? [turns away]
Kyle: Aww. Cartman, you can change things about yourself.
Cartman: No I can't; I'll always be like this. [wipes tears away]
Stan: Dude, noo, you- you don't know that.
Cartman: Come on you guys, I have to face facts. NASCAR is only for poor and stupid people. I don't have what it takes! [cries some more]
Kyle: [reassessing his assumption] What?!
Cartman: I'm not poor and stupid enough to do NASCAR, and I never will be!
Stan: Dude, I don't think just poor and stupid people like NASCAR!
Cartman: Oh really? Hey, hey Kenny!
Kenny: [looks up from his locker] (What?)
Cartman: You love NASCAR huh?
Kenny: [showing the posters inside his locker] (Yeah dude, I looove NASCAR.)
Cartman: You see I told you guys! [turns and walks to his locker] What's the use? It just, it's hopeless! [puts his arm on the locker and rests his head on his arm]
Kyle: Cartman, you are poor and you are stupid!
Cartman: [lifts his head up] I know you're trying to make me feel better, Kyle, but a rich smart kid has no place on a racetrack. [goes back to crying]
Stan: Dude, you are so retarded!
Cartman: Thanks, Stan, but even if I was I'd still be too rich.
Kyle: How are you rich?! Your mom pays for everything!
Cartman: [stops crying and brightens up] You guys really think I could do this, don't you? You really believe in me. [smiles]
Kyle: I believe that you're a broke, ignorant idiot!
Cartman: Then maybe I can make myself believe it too. [getting confident] Thanks you guys. I'm gonna go chase a dream. [Stan and Kyle just look at each other.]
Scene Description: Butters' house, some time later. Cartman walks up to the front door and knocks. A smiling Butters walks up to the door and opens it
Cartman: Butters.
Butters: Hey Eric.
Cartman: Butters, the guys have been talkin' to me and well, they've got me pretty pumped up. [pumps both fists] I'm psyched, Butters. I'm about to do somethin' big and [pumps both fists] I'm psyched!
Butters: Ahhh well oh-[pumps his right fist] kay.
Cartman: But [points his right index finger at him] I'm gonna need your help. [points both index fingers at him] Can you get psyched?? Are you gonna get [pumps both fists twice] psyched up??
Butters: Eeyeah, I'm psyched.
Cartman: Get really psyched up, Butters!
Butters: [starts pacing back and forth with energy] I'm really psyched! Yeah! Yeah let's do this alright?! I'm pumped I'm psyched! Alright. Yeah.
Cartman: I'm gonna become a NASCAR driver, Butters. I'm goin' for the gold!
Butters: NASCA- NASCAR?
Cartman: I know, I'm not poor an' stupid enough. But I change that, Butters, [reaches to his left and pulls into view a water jug full of small change] Here, I want you to take all my money. Every bit of it, Butters. Fifty-eight dollars and thirty-two cents.
Butters: You're givin' away all your money??
Cartman: [points] Just get rid of it Butters! Don't tell me where you spend it and don't ever let me have it back. [lowers his finger] From this moment on, I am poor. Like Kenny.
Butters: You sure you want to do this?
Cartman: [points] I told you I'm serious, Butters. [lowers his finger] This is my shot. I'm gonna get as poor an' stupid as I possibly can.
Scene Description: The South Park Mall, evening. A NASCAR display is at the center of the mall, with car and a box of calendars, and a spokesman
Spokesman: Alright folks, we wanna thank you all for comin' out an' supporting NASCAR.
Kenny: [takes a 2011 calendar] (Yeah! How cool!)
Spokesman: Now who's ready for Saturday's big race? [the crowd cheers]
Kenny: (Woohoo!)
Spokesman: We're really excited to be part of the fastest-growing sport in America! [the crowd cheers]
Kenny: (Woohoo!)
Spokesman: I don't know about you, but I'm thrilled to watch NASCAR finally becoming recognized as a respected, legitimate sport. [the crowd cheers]
Kenny: (Yeah! Yeeaahh!)
Butters: [appears, hauling a cart] Hello! 'Scuse me! [the crowd quiets down and looks] I know that you NASCAR people don't have very much. So I went out and bought you all [shows off his haul] fifty-eight dollars worth of canned food and blankets! You're welcome! [turns around and skips away grinning] Heh! I helped the needy! [Kenny watches him leave]
Scene Description: Cartman's house, night, Cartman is on the sofa watching TV upside down. He strapped himself down so he doesn't slip off the sofa. His face is turning red from the blood pooling up under his skin
Man 1: [voice-over] Boy I tell you what, it is raining cats and dogs outside. Mostly cats. [laughter] I just wish I had brought an umbrella.
Butters: Hey Eric.
Cartman: Ahh Butters. Did you give away all my money?
Butters: Yep. You don't have a penny left. [points] You're poor as shit. [looks him over] How come you're hangin' upside down?
Cartman: I need to get stupid, Butters. I'm getting all the blood to rush to my head and watchin' a marathon of Two and a Half Men.
Charlie: Hey- that's a hot girl over there. [giggles]
Jake: Sure she's hot. She's wearing a sweater. [giggles. The studio audience giggles and applauds]
Butters: Feel stupid yet?
Cartman: Not yet.
Scene Description: Commercial - Vagisil
Woman 1: When a woman isn't feeling her freshest, she turns to Vagisil-
Cartman: Aw Goddammit, another Vagisil commercial?!
Woman 1: To stop feminine itching, and relieve vaginal odors.
Cartman: Fucking gross!
Butters: All those ladies have stinky vaginas?
Woman 1: If you develop an allergic reaction, see your doctor. In some cases Vagisil can lead to short-term memory loss.
Woman 2: For the freshest, cleanest feminine area, do what women do.
Cartman: [quickly rights himself and stands up] Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa! Did you hear that?! [clicks on the remote control to reverse it, then plays and echoes the commercial] "In some cases Vagisil can lead to short-term memory loss." [clicks the remote to pause the playback] Oh my God, Butters... [makes a fist with his left hand] we need Vagisil!
Scene Description: A supermarket. Cartman and Butters are in the feminine hygiene section
Cartman: "Vagisil, Vagisil Maximum Strength, Vagisil Wash, Vagisil Medicated Wipes."
Butters: Gee-whiz, there's Vagi-everythings.
Cartman: Which one do I use to kill brain cells? Well, just buy me one of each of 'em, Butters.
Butters: Wuh- uh I'm buyin'?
Cartman: I'm totally poor Butters. Did you forget?
Butters: But but I uh, I uh, I didn't bring any money, I didn't know I had to buy Vagisil.
Cartman: Goddammit Butters! Alright just... just keep a lookout, I'll try it here. [positions him] Look that way, make sure the cashier doesn't see me. [As Butters keeps a look out, Cartman opens a tube of Vagisil anti-itch cream and begins to swallow it. Then he takes a bottle of wash and chugs that down, following that up with two more tubes, then more products] Is anybody coming?
Butters: No, you're good. [behind them a woman and her daughter walk by and stop to look. Cartman chugs down another bottle of feminine wash]
Cartman: Mm, 'kay, Mm. [throws the bottle away] N-oh, ew, okay, now it's... [grabs a tube of maximum strength anti-itch cream]
Woman 3: Little boy, what are you doing? [Cartman looks over his shoulder, then turns around to look at her. Butters notices and does the same. A few seconds later, Cartman turns away]
Cartman: Oh my God! Butters! [taps Butters' shoulder and Butters turns around] I feel kind of stupid!
Butters: Really?
Cartman: Yes, YES! I'm feeling totally stupid right now.
Butters: That was fast.
Cartman: Grab what you can and let's get out of here. I'm ready!
Scene Description: Race day at Colorado National Speedway. The NASCAR drivers are lined up in two columns awaiting the start of the race.
Announcer: We're just seconds away from the start of the Denver 300. [Dale Evans is shown in his car]
Butters: Excuse me. Mr. Evans, sir? [Dale looks over to his left. Butters is in the pit stop] Your uh, your wife is on the phone and- uh, well- she just got raped.
Dale: What?
Butters: Yeah, she got, she got raped a lot and uhhh- and you gotta go talk to her.
Dale: Oh my God! [gets out of his car, throws down his helmet, and goes to the pit area]
Cartman: [walks towards the car] Sweet. Nice work, Butters. Now go be my spotter so we can win this thing! [puts on the helmet and climbs into the car]
Butters: [now on the walkie-talkie] Eric, are you sure you can do this?
Cartman: [Swallows another tube of Vagisil] Don't worry, Butters, I'm totally poor and stupid. I'm ready for NASCAR.
Announcer: Let the race begin!
Cartman: Let's go NASCAR! [the other drivers zoom past him. He steers the wheel, but realizes] I'm not moving, Butters.
Butters: I think you gotta press the gas pedal.
Cartman: What's that?
Butters: There's like a long pedal on the floor by your right foot.
Cartman: Oh okay. [leans down to press it. He burns rubber and takes off, as "La Grange" by ZZ Top plays] Let's go NASCAR! [he immediately crashes into the wall and tries to power out of it. Suddenly, he turns left and goes back the other way]
Announcer: It looks like the Dale Evans car is going the wrong way!
Cartman: Kewl, NASCAR! Sweet! [the other drivers round the corner and avoid him. Car #78 crashes through the wall and plows up the bleachers. Cartman tries to turn around but goes up into the air and into the pit area. Everyone there gets out of the way. He hits a low wall and goes up into the air again...]
Cartman: [abash] Oh, fuck my ass! [he lands in a lake by the Winners Circle.]
Butters: [on the walkie-talkie and mortified] Eric?
Scene Description: A hospital recovery room, night. Cartman is laid up in bed, and Butters is keeping him company. Cartman's right leg is in a cast and up in a sling
Cartman: All that work... All the effort I put in... I still wasn't poor and stupid enough to win.
Butters: Eric, uh you were as poor and stupid as you could be.
Cartman: [looks away] Don't you get it Butters?! It's never gonna happen for me! Those people are way more poor and stupid than I'll ever be. I might as well kill myself.
Butters: Eric! Don't ever talk like that!
Cartman: I've given away all my money! Drank enough Vagisil to kill every brain cell I have! But it still wasn't enough.
Doctor: [enters the room] Alright Eric, we got the X-rays back.
Butters: How bad is it, doctor?
Doctor: He has two fractured ribs, a broken femur, torn ligaments in both knees, and a level 2 concussion. He also appears to be developing three small vaginas in his stomach, but they are all sparkling clean.
Butters: Well at least there's that.
Cartman: Just pull the plug on me, doctor. I don't wanna live like this.
Doctor: You aren't on life-support. Pulling a plug wouldn't do anything.
Cartman: Aw donkey balls...
Doctor: You're lucky to be alive, young man. Sneaking onto a NASCAR racetrack and hijacking a car for a joyride? That has got to be the stupidest thing I've ever heard of a kid doing! [walks away]
Cartman: Thanks, doc, but you aren't gonna make me feel any better.
Doctor: [turns around] No, really. Of all the idiotic dumb ways I've seen kids injure themselves, yours takes the retard cake! [walks out of the room]
Butters: Did you hear that, Eric? See? You are really stupid.
Cartman: Could it be I... only lost the race because I somehow wasn't poor enough?
Butters: It has to be, Eric. [Cartman moves his right leg out of the sling and gets out of bed.] Eric, where are you going?
Cartman: Get me my coat, Butters. We're gonna try this thing again. [Butters brightens up]
Scene Description: Kenny's house, day. Kenny is reading a NASCAR magazine on the sofa
FOX 11 anchor: You're watching Colorado FOX 11. Next on FOX 11 News, are NASCAR fans stupid? [Kenny looks up] Some people are starting to wonder after a NASCAR fan apparently got high on Vagisil and snuck onto the track, killing eleven people.
Reporter: Tom, the NASCAR fan got into a car here on Sunday and crashed in the lake behind me. He was later found to have ingested this [holds up a tube] Maximum Strength Vagisil. And also Vagisil medicated wipes. Making NASCAR fans look ...pretty stupid, Tom.
Kenny: [closes his magazine and throws it on the sofa in a blind rage] (No! NASCAR fans aren't stupid! Cartman is!)
Reporter: The NASCAR fan vows he will try to do it again, but that this time, he'll win.
Kenny: (Oh that fucking asshole!) [gets off the couch and walks out the front door, vexed] (Oh that fucking asshole, I'm gonna talk to him...)
Scene Description: Cartman's house, day. A vile Kenny walks over to Cartman's house, goes up the steps, and he furiously pounds and kicks at the front door until Cartman answers it
Cartman: Oh hey, Kenny! [Kenny is not happy and his arms are crossed]
Kenny: [furious] (Dude, what the fuck are you doing?!)
Cartman: Come in dude, I wanna show you what I've been workin' on. [Kenny follows him in. Cartman shows him all the stuff he purchased - a jet ski, a Room-bot, a 7.1 speaker system, a plasma TV, an LCD monitor, a VHS/DVD combo player] Check it out. I thought I could just give all my money away and be as poor as your family, but then I realized: what do poor people do? Buy things even though they don't have money by going out and purchasing things that are 0% down and no payments for two years! That's how you people stay poor forever! Am I right? That's it, right? [Kenny is still pissed off]
Kenny: (Dude, fuck you!)
Cartman: Kenny, I'm just trying to get good at NASCAR.
Kenny: (Being poor has nothing to do with NASCAR!)
Cartman: [annoyed] Hey, I love NASCAR just as much as you do!
Kenny: [apoplectically] (NO, YOU FUCKING DON'T!!)
Cartman: Oh it's sooo easy for you, isn't it, Kenny?! I've had to become poor all on my own, you know?! I wasn't born with a plastic spoon in my mouth!
Kenny: [thinks for a moment] (WHAT?!)
Cartman: I've had to go buy stuff with 0% down and no payments for two years my-self! I didn't have parents to do it for me like you do! [Kenny raises his fists up, but Cartman hugs him with one arm] Look Keh- Kenny, Kenny. We shouldn't be fighting. We both love NASCAR and we're both poor as shit.
Man: [appears at the front door] Uh, excuse me. [Cartman sees him and walks to the door] Eric Cartman?
Cartman: Yeah?
Man: My name is Geoff Hamill. I'm the founder and CEO of Vagisil.
Cartman: ...Uh oh.
Geoff Hamill: Young man, your NASCAR stunt has brought a lot of attention to Vagisil and honestly, I don't know how to thank you. Our sales are up and women are finally realizing that their feminine odor can be treated. I first created Vagisil for my wife, Patty. [steps aside to reveal Patty standing halfway out in the yard] She's my Muse, my flame. We realized that NASCAR can do a lot for product recognition and so, Vagisil has a little present... for you. [turns around and walks out, showing off a brand-new Vagisil NASCAR car]
Cartman: Awww, sweet! [runs to the car, then runs his right hand over the body] No way, this is so tits!
Geoff Hamill: Vagisil would like you to represent us in the next NASCAR race.
Cartman: Dude, check it out, Kenny! My very own NASCAR!
Kenny: [angrily in disbelief] (No fucking way!)
Geoff Hamill: And we've modified the cockpit to be operated properly by a child.
Cartman: Aww coool, huh Kenny? [Makes engine revving and shift change noises] I got a NASCAR, Kenny! [Geoff looks at Kenny, smiling] So awesome, huh Kenny? [Kenny can only look on angrily]
Scene Description: A conference room, day. A NASCAR spokesman holds a mic
Announcer: We are now live at the NASCAR press conference, where the drivers of Saturday's race are gearing up and taking questions from reporters.
Reporter 1: So uh what's your guys' take on the track here? Any concerns? [present are Dale Earnhardt, Jr., Jimmie Johnson, Danica Patrick, Jeff Gordon, Tony Stewart, Eric Cartman, and Matt Kenseth]
Jimmie Johnson: Well I think it's a fine track, you know. The- the techs have done a really good job of makin' sure the banks are grafted down to the right specs and there shouldn't be any problems-
Cartman: [doing a redneck accent and acting completely stupid] Yeah, we like the track, yup. We gotta graft them banks an' specs, it's like an oval, so we're gonna drive straight and then we're gonna be turnin' to the left.
Reporter 2: Uhhh they're saying hot weather tomorrow; any concerns about restrictor plate or brake fade problems?
Jeff Gordon: Of course, any time you're dealin' with high humidity and temperatures you need to compensate your brake fluid, but the plates themselves-
Cartman: Compensate yer blake fluid an' git yer, git yer... b-brake workin' so you can stop sometimes.
Dale Earnhardt, Jr.: Hey excuse me, who is this kid? Is he even a driver?
Cartman: Ewww, bring it on, Earnhardt, you scared of the competition?! I'm just as poor an' stupid as you! I'm gonna drive and I'm gonna go fayast and I'm gonna turn to the left sometimes!
Danica Patrick: Can we just, get back to the subject of racing, please?
Cartman: Uh-ho! Bring it on, Danica! You dumb bitch! Think I can't steer left better than you?!
Scene Description: After the press conference, Cartman meets up with Butters
Butters: You seemed really stupid, Eric.
Cartman: Thanks, B-butts. I really think I can hold my own against these guys. Little worried about that Jimmie Johnson guy though; he seems dumber than spit. And that Danica Patrick chick? Phew! We're gonna need to get even poorer and stupider, Butters. Both of us.
Scene Description: Mick's Lanes. Kenny is at the bar drinking glass after glass of water, looking depressed. On TV, Pardon The Interruption airs
Tony Kornheiser: Alright, from the NFL we now turn to the world of NASCAR! People who weren't sure what to think of NASCAR are more sure today after a NASCAR driver released bigoted and ignorant statements on his podcast.
Scene Description: Cartman is in a studio of his making; a confederate flag hangs on the wall, a checkered flag with NASCAR next to it hangs above a propane grill (indoors) an unmade bed in the background. He himself looks like he's wasted on Vagisil. He clears his throat and begins recording
Cartman: Alright, what's up NASCAR fans? I don't know about y'all, but this President Obama is pissin' me off! So I'm gonna do some dip and speak my mind. Today I'm gonna be dippin'... [holds up a bottle] Vagisil Regular Strength Anti-Itch Creme. [squeezes some out and rubs it all over his lips] Oh yeah. Yeah, that's a big dipper right there. But I'm pretty pissed off at what I found out. I found out this "Obama" wants to put a bigger tax on gasoline! [spits into a can] What the fuck is up with that?! That's fuckin' gay! And he's fuckin' gay as hell! [Kenny buries his face in the counter, in shame. On screen, Butters appears behind Cartman] You all know my pit boss, Butters. [Butters appears over by the grill, also with a mouthful of Vagisil]
Butters: Obama's fuckin' gay.
Cartman: He's fuckin' gay as hell!
Butters: Pissin' me off!
Cartman: [dips again and rubs it on his lips] So y'all be sure to catch us in our next race. We're about as poor an' stupid as they fuckin' come, so come down an' cheer for us at NASCAR on Saturday! Obama's gay as hell!
Tony Kornheiser: [back to Kenny sitting watching TV at Mick's Lanes] Well if you ask me, that's all the proof we need that NASCAR really is just for the poor... [sharply] and the stupid.
Kenny: [Kenny has enough as he slammed his fist in anger] (Fuck this!) [leaves the bar, livid]
Scene Description: Saturday at Colorado National Speedway. The Vagisil car is prepared as Cartman sits in it
Commentator 1: The stage is set for what could be the most important race of the NASCAR year.
Commentator 2: Lots of speculation and interest in the Vagisil car, driven by Eric Cartman. We are joined now by the inventor and owner of Vagisil, Geoff Hamill.
Geoff: Thank you, Chris.
Chris: [Commentator 2] Geoff? Why did you decide to sponsor a NASCAR driver?
Geoff: Vagisil is very excited to be part of the NASCAR phenomenon, Chris. You know, I... first created Vagisil to try and help my wife, Patty. She is my Muse, my flame. Wherever Patty goes her smile lights up the room. Her vagina, on the other hand, clears the room and makes it uninhabitable for weeks.
Commentator 1: Ohkay, well the race is about to start, so why don't we kick it back down to the track?
Announcer: [Over the PA system] Gentlemen, start your engines! [the crowd begins to cheer]
Cartman: Alright, "start your engine." What's that mean?
Pit crewman: That means you flip the switch that says "Engine." [to Butters] Is he stupid or what?
Butters: Yeah, he's a champion alright.
Scene Description: At the Speedway entrance, Kenny approaches the racetrack entrance with a tote bag
Security guard: Check your bag please, sir? [Kenny hands him the bag. The guard checks the bag and pulls out a long rifle] No, no, see, this won't do. You can't bring a sniper rifle onto the track.
Kenny: (Aww, come on!)
Security guard: Look, NASCAR is trying to change its image. It's people like you that are givin' NASCAR a bad name!
Kenny: (Aw come on, fuck you!) [enters]
Security guard: You might be able to buy one in the gift shop. [inside, the cars begin to move down pit lane]
Scene Description: On the track
Announcer: [Over the PA] The drivers are slowly heading out to follow the pace car.
Cartman: [in the redneck accent] Then I'm gonna press the gas pedal and I'm gonna go forward. [does so and rear-ends #78, then back up and swerves onto the track and sideswipes #95 and #78] NASCAR! Yee-ah!
Pit crewman: This is just the pace lap, you don't go full speed yet!
Cartman: Yeah, just the pace lap! I'm gonna hit the, hit the brake! [hits the brakes and #7 runs into him. Danica Patrick is the driver]
Danica Patrick: [infuriated] The fuck are you doing?!
Cartman: [gives her the middle finger] Fuck you, Danica Patrick! You ain't half as dumb as me! Gas pedal! [steps on the gas and peels away. Other cars pass Danica, whose engine is now on fire]
Danica Patrick: Oh, son of a bitch!
Cartman: Woowee, ain't nobody can stop muhey!
Scene Description: in the sports booth
Commentator 1: And it looks like the Vagisil car has already clipped two other drivers and taken them out of the race.
Chris: Yea, the other drivers are not going to be happy about this. What do you think, Mr. Hamill?
Geoff Hamill: Vagisil is a company that really stands behind its product, Chris. We want women to know that Vagisil is effective, safe for use every day, [looks at Patty and enunciates] Every. Day. [she just stands there] Every. Day. [she looks down and away] ...And available nationwide.
Scene Description: On the track, the racers speeding on each other, Cartman side smashes the #52 car to a wall causing it to spin out
Butters: Be careful up here about a hundred yards, Eric. There's a wrecked car on the right side. [Danica Patrick finally comes out of her car] You're gonna wanna watch for it here. You're gonna wanna watch it over on the right side.
Cartman: Oh yeah, I see it. [Cartman avoids the car, but runs over Danica, who was trying to make it across the track to the field inside]
Danica Patrick: AAAAAA! [Cartman keeps going and ran over her]
Cartman: [looks over his right shoulder, then faces forward again] You see that? Daynicuh Patrick tried to get in my way. That pisses me off!
Butters: That's fuckin' gay as hell.
Cartman: Whoop I'm comin' up on that turn thing again. I got to stayer left. [turns the steering wheel hard to the left and drives through the drivers' eating area and the pedestrians all running and screaming, Cartman ran over most of them and some survived by running from the side] Get out of the way you idiots, I'm tryin' to win this dayum thang! "[Cartman made it back on the track]"
Butters: There you go. You're back on the track.
Cartman: I'm back own the track. [An enraged Kenny makes his way down the bleacher steps towards the track. He jumps onto the track and lands on the Vagisil car. He turns around on the car roof and looks into the car through the windshield, Cartman also enraged as well] What the... Kenny! What the hell are you doing?!
Kenny: [pounds on the windshield] (Stop this car!)
Cartman: [irked] Get off my car, Kenny!
Kenny: [inflamed] (Stop this car right now!)
Butters: Oh man, now our friend Kenny's tryin' to break the windshield. Ain't that just gay as hell? [the #14 car is getting its wheels changed when Cartman barrels into it, causing it to flip over and land on its pit crew, killing them]
Cartman: We're tradin' paint! [further down the track he hits two other cars, which then slammed into each other. Back to Cartman, he's furious] Oh it's sooo easy for you, isn't it, Kenny?! I have to prove myself!
Kenny: [incensed] (I fucking hate you!)
Cartman: [determined and angered] Sorry dude, I'm winning this race! Hit the brake! Bye Kenny. [steps on the brakes, launching Kenny at the end of the track]
Kenny: (AAAAAAAAAAAAAA...) [goes a long distance before the first bounce, then bounces a few more times. Two other cars remain on the track, and they pass Cartman]
Driver: Oh Jesus, there's a little boy on the track. [the two cars swerve just in time, but one crashes into the outer wall, the other into the inner wall, Kenny ducks]
Scene Description: in the booth
Chris: Well it appears that all the other drivers have crashed and only the Vagisil car remains. Looks like you're going to win, Mr. Hamill.
Geoff Hamill: This is such a great day for Vagisil, Chris. Our product awareness will be at an all-time high. Feminine odor must be treated diligently. [looks over at Patty] Very. Diligently. [a look of shock crosses his face. Patty is gone. The cameramen wonder what's going on.] Patty? Patty?
Scene Description: On the track, Patty walks over to the #48 car and pulls its driver out. She climbs in
Announcer: It looks like a woman is trying to take over for Jimmie Johnson's car. [Mr. Hamill and the commentators join him in his booth]
Geoff Hamill: What? [Patty gets the car started and backs up. Determined, she takes off as "La Grange" starts playing again]
Lowes pit boss: Ma'am? You are on an active racetrack. This is extremely dangerous.
Geoff Hamill: Let me talk to her. [puts on the pit boss's headphones] Patty? Patty, what are you doing? [Patty skillfully drives the car around the track] Patty, pull over the NASCAR. You're acting irrationally. Patty, did you forget to take your medication? You know how you get when you don't use your Vagisil. There should be some in your purse, my Muse. Patty? [she reaches Cartman and taps his car with Johnson's]
Scene Description: On the track, Patty hits Cartman from behind.
Cartman: Aww! You dumb bitch! Butters, this bitch is tryin' to wreck mah car.
Butters: I know. That pisses me off. That's fuckin' gay.
Cartman: Fuckin' gay as hell. [Patty pulls up to his left, taps him a bit, then pulls away.]
Geoff Hamill: Patty, you are my Muse, and my flame.
Announcer: They are neck and neck approaching the finish line. [This time she bumps him off. Cartman's car spins out then flips up in the air...]
Cartman: [Shocked] Oh, fuck my ass again! [...and crashes upside down into the outer wall. Patty goes onto the finish line, getting the victory for Jimmie Johnson]
Geoff Hamill: [Geoff is frustrated] HAAAAAAAAAA!
Scene Description: Moments later, at the winners' circle. Lots of cheers as Patty Hamill shows off the huge trophy, an angry Geoff walks to her
Announcer: Big celebration for the Lowe's Home Improvement team.
Geoff Hamill: Patty! How could you?! You've ruined us! You've ruined Vagisil!
Scene Description: nearby, Cartman and Butters look on, Cartman's NASCAR racesuit is slightly has ash and his hair as well, while he brush himself off in defeat. Kenny walks up to Cartman and angrily points
Kenny: (HA! You fucking lose!) [crosses his arms in triumph]
Cartman: No, no, Kenny, go ahead. I deserve it. [Kenny is confused] I thought I could just waltz onto a racetrack and do what these people do. But I owe you an apology. The truth is I'm just too smart. And with how smart I am I'll always be successful and therefore have money. I just have to accept I'm too smart and rich for NASCAR. Time for me to give it up. Alright Butters, give me back my money.
Butters: [flabbergasted] Huh?
Cartman: [livid] The fifty eight dollars and thirty two cents I gave you! I want it back!
Butters: Uh, but- but you- you said I had to [begins to stammer, both walk off, as Kenny stares in confusion] s-spend on it on the... buy what I can start buyin' and start way in- bu- so get buy- [unintelligible]
Cartman: Goddammit Butters, you'd better have it! Butters, you're always trying to screw me over!
Butters: But you said to take your money so I took it by [unintelligible] Ah I don't know.


Scene Description: The Broflovski house, dining room table, evening. The family is gathered at table eating dinner
Kyle: Mom, Dad, what's "muff cabbage"? [Gerald and Sheila pause. They look at each other, then turn back to their son]
Gerald: [confused] Muff cabbage?
Sheila: [also confused] Where did you hear that?
Ike: Muff cabbage!
Kyle: The new neighbors that moved in next to Stan's house. Me and Ike saw the mom get a parking ticket, and she called the parking cop "muff cabbage".
Ike: Muff cabbage.
Sheila: A new family moved in? Where are they from?
Kyle: She said they're from New Jersey.
Sheila: [drops her fork] New Jersey? A family from New Jersey moved in next to the Marshes?
Kyle: Yeah. Stan said they're having them over for dinner tonight.
Sheila: [fearful, quickly leaves her chair and walks off a bit] Oh, God. Poor Sharon. Doesn't she know?
Kyle: Know what, Ma?
Ike: Muff cabbage!
Sheila: Never invite a New Jersey housewife into your home.
Scene Description: The Marsh house, dinner time. The table has been enlarged to accommodate their guests - a family with three kids. Grandpa Marsh is not at the table
Teresa: [at the head of the table. Sharon is to her right] And so then I met the school principal. What's her name? Principal Victoria? What a stupid bitch! I mean, excuse my language, but that bitch needs her fuckin' head examined!
Scene Description: Teresa's new home, next door, on New Jersey Housewives
Teresa: Yeah, so my family and I moved from Jersey to South Park about a week ago. So far, I can tell that everyone here really likes me.
Scene Description: The Marsh house, dinner time
Teresa: Oh! And I met that Stotch woman. What's her name?
Sharon: Oh, Linda, huh?
Teresa: Have you noticed how yellow that bitch's teeth are? You can tell that woman is a piece of garbage. She's garbage! [the girls at the table just look on and continue eating] I went into the mall here and I just about dropped dead. The only panties you can buy makes you look like you got a grandma muff! Where's the Gucci? Where's the Prada? Have they heard of Italian clothes? It's ridiculous!
Joe: [as Teresa rattles on] So, Randy, what gyms are good around here? Where do you work out?
Randy: I don't really work out.
Joe: Well, I gotta find somethin'. [flexes his left biceps] My biceps are goin' flat.
Teresa: Where can you get good clothes in this town?! Nowhere! I mean, that's why you're stuck wearing garbage like that, right? And the woman that works the hair salon? Julia? Have you seen how big that bitch's ears are?
Sharon: Oh, Julia's a friend of mine, yeah.
Teresa: Ears out to here! [spreads her arms out as far as they could go] So I tell her, "You got big ears, sweetie." I'm not trying to be mean. It's just a Jersey thing. Why be offended? [to Sharon] I mean, you've got a big chin. We've all got imperfections.
Sharon: Right, just like your eyes are kind of far apart. [Teresa's expression changes to a dark mood]
Scene Description: Teresa's new home, next door, on New Jersey Housewives
Teresa: That was totally uncalled for, for what she did. My eyes are too far apart? And like who is she? Is she God? No.
Scene Description: The Marsh house, dinner time
Teresa: You don't ever, ever! You whack job, prostitution... [slams her hands on the table] ...whore! You probably sell your muff... [slams her hands on the table] ...for six dollars! You fucking psycho bitch! Fuck you! [lifts the table, which causes it to dump the food on the floor. Sharon quickly hides behind Randy] You're nothin' but garbage! [Joe comes up and restrains her from behind] That's what you are! You're garbage! [Stan's eyes dart back and forth] You sick, old woman! Muff garbage! [Joe takes her into the kitchen] Muff cabbage! Fuck this psycho bitch!
Sharon: Wow.
Teresa: Let's get the fuck outta here! She's a fuckin' pig! She's fuckin' pissin' me off! [to Joe] Okay, I love you.
Joe: Take it easy.
Teresa: I love you. [they kiss] I love you.
Scene Description: Teresa's new home
Teresa: I thought I was gonna deck her. I was fine. I was really fine. I just wanted to get my point across to her, and then that's how I am. [she takes Joe's hand and walks him back into the dining room] Like I could be mad one minute and then I'll be fine.
Scene Description: The Marsh house, dinner time
Teresa: Okay, all better. Just had to get that out. It's just... it's a Jersey thing. So, who wants dessert? Meeee!
Scene Description: At Sizzler, day. The boys are having lunch there
Stan: You guys do not understand. Having neighbors from Jersey is the worst! All night long they keep me awake! They're either screaming at each other or making some disgusting sex sounds. It seems like all people from Jersey do is hump and punch each other!
Cartman: You know what you do when you want a family to move away? Every night, you go and take a crap on their doorstep.
Kyle: [glaring at him] Is that why there's crap on my doorstep every morning?
Cartman: Oops, busted. [avoids eye contact]
Stan: They talk way too loud, they flip out for no reason, and every time they act like selfish assholes, they just go, "Oh, it's a Jersey thing. It's a Jersey thing."
Jersey Man: Hey, you talkin' 'bout Jersey? Me and my friends are from Jersey.
Cartman: Aw, crap, there's more of them?
Jersey Man: 'Ey, come on, there's people from Jersey all over! Who here is from Jersey? [a lot of people respond excitedly]
Scene Description: Highlight. The Jersey man is Steve "Last Call"
Steve "Last Call": So I'm like standin' there, and I'm like, "Who's from Jersey?", and people are all like, "Yo! Woo-hoo!" Next thing you know, Jersey party at Sizzler. [the restaurant is transformed into a club]
Scene Description: Sizzler, later on. Everyone is dancing except the boys, music is pumping, lights flash all around
Woman: [nude in a in a Jacuzzi] Yeah, let's get this party started. [a random fight breaks out]
Kyle: Where the hell are they coming from?! [a bottle of Corona beer lands in front of the boys and shatters]
Scene Description: South Park Salon, day. Sharon approaches it. Inside...
Teresa: Danielle was being a stupid bitch.
Woman 1: Shut up, Teresa. You're pathetic!
Teresa: I'm pathetic? You're muff gabbage! [Sharon walks into the salon. Teresa gets up to greet her] Oh, Sharon! [they hug] Hi, sweetie. You gotta meet our new neighbors. This is Jacqueline. She's from Jersey.
Jacqueline: And Sicilian.
Teresa: That's Danielle. She's from Jersey. [Danielle is extremely tanned] And that's Caroline.
Caroline: I'm having my face shaved. It's a Jersey thing.
Salon Girl: I'm sorry, but I have other clients in ten minutes. Can you sit down? [Teresa didn't like that request]
Scene Description: Highlight.
Jacqueline: When the salon girl told Teresa to sit down, I thought Teresa was gonna bust a tit.
Scene Description: the salon
Teresa: Don't you fuckin' tell me what to do! I'm a client here!
Caroline: Teresa! Calm down.
Salon Girl: I don't have to take your shit! I'm from Jersey!
Teresa: Get her, Sharon!
Sharon: What?
Jacqueline: Sharon, just stay out of it!
Caroline: Be the bigger person, Sharon!
Sharon: You people are crazy.
Caroline: Who's crazy? Are you talkin' about my family?! [grabs Sharon by the hair as she screams] Is my family crazy?!
Teresa: Don't you pull my friend's hair, you bitch! [pulls Sharon back by the hair]
Sheila: [barges in ready to fight] Let go of her, you piece of trash! [the other ladies turn to look]
Teresa: Who the fuck are you to tell ME what to do?!
Sheila: [walks up to the women] All you trashy whores get the fuck out of here and leave her alone!
Teresa: Psycho bitch!
Sheila: [slaps her hand away] No! You're a psycho bitch, psycho bitch! Psycho biiitch! You wanna see fuckin' crazy?! You'd better just step the fuck away or you're gonna see fuckin' crazy! [the Jersey women begin to leave]
Jacqueline: [turns to look at Sheila] You're cabbage! [then leaves]
Sharon: Sheila?
Scene Description: At the South Park Community Center, evening. Randy has the floor as the other townsfolk sit and listen
Randy: People of South Park! We have all noticed a steep rise in everything Jersey lately. As many of you already know, everything east of the Rockies is now part of New Jersey! The Jersey Shore now includes Jacksonville, Miami, the Gulf of Jersey Mexico, and the Jersey Islands. [this includes Puerto Rica and Cuba]
Mr. Garrison: Jesus! Why are they doing this?
Randy: More people from Jersey are showing up in our town! If we don't do something, South Park is going to become West Jersey.
Jimbo: Well, that does it! Let's go tell everyone from Jersey we don't want 'em here!
All: Yeah!
Sheila: That won't work. You can't just tell people from Jersey you don't like them. No matter how obnoxious they are, they will convince themselves that you all actually think they're cool.
Jimbo: How do you know that, Ms. Broflovski? [Sheila is on the spot.]
Scene Description: Highlight.
Sheila: That's when I knew I had to tell everyone the truth: that originally I'm from Jersey. [the adults present are Stephen and Linda Stotch, Randy and Sharon Marsh, Stuart McCormick, his wife, and Liane Cartman] Yes, born and raised, I wasn't even called Sheila back then. In Jersey I was known as S-Woww Tittybang. [a picture of her is shown] I drank heavily and punched a lot of bitches in the face. [a picture of one such incident is shown] Living in South Park, I'm able to control the Jersey side of me, which doesn't really come out unless I get around other people from Jersey. [turns away from the other adults] I'm just really hoping that people here don't judge me for it, or or, somehow, you know, hold it against me.
Sharon: Sheila, who are you talking to?
Sheila: You wouldn't understand. It's a Jersey thing. [walks away]
Scene Description: The park, basketball court, day. The boys - Stan, Kenny and Cartman - are playing basketball. Kenny has the ball and is trying to get past Cartman
Cartman: You ain't gettin' by that way, Kenny!
Kyle: [approaching] Hey, dudes.
Cartman: [takes the ball from Kenny and confronts Kyle] Oh, well, well, well. Look what the cat threw up in the litter box. Come on, guys. We don't wanna be seen hanging around him.
Kyle: What are you talking about?
Cartman: Dude, we heard the news! Your mom is from Jersey!
Kyle: So what?
Cartman: So what?! That makes you from Jersey!
Kyle: No, it doesn't!
Cartman: [turns around] He's from Jersey, you guys. [inches away] Let's just get away from him.
Kyle: I'm not from Jersey. I was born here.
Cartman: Don't try and deny it! You're one of them, dude. And by my account, that's strike three!
Kyle: What's strike three?!
Scene Description: Cartman removes his hat from his head, revealing his large curly red hair.
Cartman: You're a ginger, a Jew, and from Jersey! Three strikes, Kyle! You're out!
Kyle: Shut the fuck up! [grabs his hat back and puts it on, then looks at the other boys] What?
Stan: Did you know your mom was from Jersey?
Kyle: Why does it matter?!
Stan: No, uh, it just explains a lot.
Cartman: [moves Kyle aside] Oh, my God! Kyle is even starting to look like he's from Jersey! His skin is turning orange!
Kyle: No, it isn't!
Cartman: Yes, it is. It's getting oranger.
Stan: Stop it, Cartman. Just 'cause Kyle's mom is a Jersey asshole doesn't mean Kyle is.
Kenny: (Yeah.)
Cartman: Okay, you do what you want, guys. As for me, well, you're a heartless backstabbing Jersey boy, Kyle, and I shan't be playing basketball with the likes of you. [walks away, then turns and glares at him] And I'm gonna start crappin' on your doorstep a lot more!
Scene Description: The Broflovski house, night. Kyle is brushing his teeth when he looks at himself in the mirror and then checks out his hands and his face. He takes his toothbrush out of his mouth and drops it into the sink, then checks out his hat
Kyle: No. [removes his hat] Couldn't be. [opens the top drawer of the vanity and pulls out a pair of scissors. He begins to cut his hair, slowly, then faster and faster. He gets some styling gel and rubs it into his hair. He gets a razor out to shape his eyebrows, cuts more of his hair off, rips the sleeves off his shirt, gets a bracelet and puts it on his right forearm, gets more gel and rubs a design onto his shirt, then is shocked at what he sees in the mirror] Oh, my God.
Sheila: [knocks on the bathroom door] Kyle? You in there?
Kyle: Hold on. Ah, I'm, ah... n-not right now. [goes about putting stuff away and closing all the drawers]
Sheila: Kyle, open the door.
Kyle: Not now, Mom. Please.
Sheila: Kyle, this instant! One, two. [Kyle goes to the door]
Kyle: All right, all right. [opens the door and see his mom, who's really Jerseyfied herself. He's speechless]
Sheila: I guess we need to talk.
Scene Description: Kyle's bedroom, minutes later. She and Kyle are sitting on his bed
Sheila: I know this has to be very upsetting for you, Kyle.
Kyle: [enunciating] What am I, Mom?
Sheila: When I got pregnant with you, Kyle, your father and I were living with my parents in Newark. We knew we had to get out. Neither of us wanted our child to be from Jersey, so we moved. As far away as we could. But now I realize you can take the fetus out of Jersey, but you can't take Jersey out of the fetus.
Kyle: [getting scared] What are you saying?!
Sheila: I'm saying that for the first two months I carried you in my stomach, I lived in Newark. Technically, you are from Jersey.
Kyle: [looks at his new look] No! I don't wanna look like this!
Sheila: It isn't so bad, Kyle. A lot of people think the Jersey look is nice.
Ike: [walks by and looks] Aaaaiiiiihhhhh! [faints on his back]
Kyle: I can hide it! [hops off the bed] Nobody ever has to know! [puts his hat back on and walks out the bedroom door] I can't ever let anybody know!
Scene Description: a news program comes on
Announcer: Live from St. Louis, New Jersey! It's the "Jersey News" with anchormen P-Train and Tan Jovi!
P-Train: What's up, New Jersey? It's the evenin' news. Our top story tonight: many Jersey people are freakin' pissed after a small town in Colorado got all aggro on some decent Jersey folk! For more on this story we go to Chicago.
Reporter: People here in Chicago, New Jersey are riled up, P-Train. Apparently, a town called South Park, which is at the border of Denver, New Jersey, is discriminating against people from Jersey! They won't sell houses to people from Jersey, and they're making all the ones who moved in move out. [the Giudice family is forcibly hauled out of their new home and stuffed into their car] And they're takin' down all the Jersey-owned shops! [South Park Salon is bombed and everyone in there runs out] It's like these people got a beef with Jersey. What's up with that?!
Tan Jovi: What's up with that?!
P-Train: What's up with that?!
Tan Jovi: Well, we are coming after you, South Park! We fight discrimination! It's a Jersey thing!
Scene Description: South Park, night, town square. The townsfolk have brought everything they could think of to form a barricade against the Jersey folk. Randy is on the line
Randy: Please, Governor. You have to send your troops to join us in this fight. We're just a small town. We can't stop New Jersey on our own.
Schwarzenegger: Ve are very sore-y, but Cal-i-for-ni-a cannot afford helping you at this time.
Randy: Can't you see that if we fall to New Jersey, California is next?
Schwarzenegger: No, because U-tah is between Colo-rah-do and Cal-i-for-ni-a.
Randy: Oh. Fine! But when Utah gets taken over by New Jersey, who's next?!
Schwarzenegger: Nevada.
Randy: Oh, really? Well, okay, Mr. I'm-Awesome-at-Geography!
Scene Description: South Park, night, town square. In the shadows, Kyle gives Kenny a rifle as Cartman walks up. Stan gives another rifle to Kyle
Cartman: What the hell are you guys doing?!
Stan: Tryin' to help. My dad says to distribute all these guns.
Cartman: [points to Kyle] And we're just gonna let him stand around here?! He's one of them. He could easily be a spy!
Kyle: I told you Cartman, I'm not one of them! I don't wanna live in West Jersey any more than you do!
Cartman: Overcompensating a little, aren't we, Kyle?!
Kyle: That's enough!
Cartman: Your blood is tainted with the three J's! Jewish, Jersey and Ginger! Admit it!
Kyle: Aaaarrghhhhhh! [runs at Cartman and pins him hard against a tree] I'm not one of them! Do you understand me?! You'd better get that through your fat head! I will never be one of them, and if you say it again, I swear to God, I'll smash your fucking teeth in! [lets go and walks away angrily. Cartman backs up a bit without saying a word, then breaks down wailing]
Cartman: [Whining] That hurt my throat because he pushed it right here, and then the back of my head hit the treeee! There was... there was... there was bark, and it scratched it! [Stan and Kenny walk away silently] Did you see the scratch, Keeenney?!
Scene Description: South Park, night, town square. Randy is on the line looking for other support
Randy: Please, Emperor Akishino! We need Japan's help to fight these people! [waits for an answer] Fine! But you Japs will all be eatin' hoagies in a month! [throws his cell phone away and claps his hands free of it] That's it, nobody's gonna help us! We're on our own!
Stuart: We can't take on all of Jersey. We have to find support.
Randy: There is no support! Every ally America ever had is... [thinks of something] Wait a minute. [strokes his chin] Sometimes when a threat is great enough, you have to turn to your enemies for help.
Mr. Garrison: What are you talking about?
Randy: We could ask Al Qaeda.
Stephen: [steps forward] Ask Al Qaeda for help? After what they did to us?!
Randy: Maybe it's time we put our differences aside and forgive them.
Stephen: And what about the families of the victims of 9/11? Their feelings matter for another ten months, damn it!
Bar Patron 1: Hey! Hey, we got a problem! You've gotta get some people down to the bar quick! There's trouble!
Randy: People from Jersey?
Bar Patron 1: I don't know what the hell I saw.
Scene Description: Skeeter's Bar and Cocktails, night. Officer Barbrady's cruiser is parked out front. Officer Barbrady and other men from the town search the bar in the darkness with flashlights
Skeeter: It tore a hole in my meat locker. Smashed the cigarette machine in half.
Barbrady: Alright, come out now. Make it easy on yourself. [a soft, high growl is heard and a figure runs by in the shadows, bumping into a few tables. The figure runs by again, grunting. The flashlights follow the sound and find a woman who looks like a troll cowering in a corner. Her arms are really short, her ears are elfin, her skin is orange and her black hair is styled in a beehive hairdo]
Bar Patron 2: It's one of them! That thing's from Jersey, too! [the thing moves closer to the ATM and smokes]
Randy: What is it?
Bar Patron 2: It's called a Snooki. It's very famous. [Snooki sips from her drink and eats straight out of a pickle jar]
Randy: That thing is famous? Why?
Bar Patron 2: I don't know!
Jimbo: Well, what are we waitin' for? Let's kill it! [aims his shotgun and fires at her. She drops the pickle jar and it shatters.]
Snooki: [walking away from the ATM] Snooo-ki.
Randy: Don't let it get away! Where is it?! [hears a sound] Who was that?! [his beam lands on Snooki, who has taken Stephen Stotch down and is raping him]
Stephen: Aaagh! Get it off of me!
Snooki: [raping him] Snooki smoosh.
Stephen: Shoot it! [another gunshot is heard and Snooki heads for a window and jumps out through it, running away]
Scene Description: South Park Square, night. Cartman has left his usual friends and is talking to a group of other boys from his class: Bradley, Jason, Butters, Fosse, DogPoo, and Bill
Cartman: So then he grabs my throat, right? And he slams my head into a tree! And then he screams, "I'll smash your teeth in!" My head is all like gashed open.
Butters: Kyle did that? Gee whiz.
Cartman: I'm telling you guys, he's getting worse. The Jersey in Kyle is coming out. I don't see any other choice. We have to kidnap Kyle and lock him in the meat freezer at Sizzler. [Kyle is cleaning his rifle nearby and lifts his head to see what the other boys are doing] Hey, Kyle. 'Sup? Kind of nice out tonight, huh? [Kyle returns to cleaning his rifle. Cartman then moves to the opposite side of the circle] He has to be put away, and he has to be put away now!
Butters: Are you being serious?
Cartman: This is very serious, Butters.
Butters: Yeah, but lockin' Kyle in a meat freezer? I mean, he could die.
Cartman: Well if he does, too bad! Did you see the scratch on my head?! [Kyle looks up again. Cartman notices and turns to look back at him] Hey, Kyle. [stretches] Uhh... Dude, do you smell raspberries? I smell raspberries. Ho? Huh. [turns around and goes into a low voice as Kyle watches from nearby] We need to do this now. At some point, he might start suspecting something's up.
Scene Description: Al Qaeda headquarters in the caves of Afghanistan. Al Qaeda members go about their business
Operative: [walks up to bin Laden with a package] Istagia makuman? [bin Laden turns around and takes the package, which is a video tape. He puts it into a tape player and watches the video. Randy pops up onscreen]
Randy: Hello, Mr. bin Laden. My name is Randy, and I'm a geologist in America. I know that America isn't your favorite place in the world, but gosh darn it, we need your help. As you may know, we are trying to stop our entire country from becoming New Jersey. I believe that if we do not succeed, Jersey will spread to Japan, Russia, and eventually, to you. I know you have seen countless horrors in your lifetime, Mr. bin Laden, and that you have witnesses the very worst of mankind. Well, now I ask you to watch this. [Jersey Shore's live-action show open begins to play]
Snooki: Neaaaaaah! Snooki wants smoosh smoosh.
Scene Description: Sizzler, night time. Cartman climbs into the restaurant through a window
Cartman: Come on, you guys, hurry!
Stan: [climbs in behind him] Cartman, what the hell are we doing at Sizzler?
Cartman: I told you guys, you're not gonna believe it. It's a miracle!
Kenny: [climbs in behind Stan] (What kind of fuckin' miracle?!) [Kyle climbs in last]
Cartman: [leads them to a spot] Jesus answered our prayers, you guys. It's so cool. [stops] It's right there in the meat locker. Kyle, go check it out.
Kyle: [looks at Cartman for a few seconds] Why?
Cartman: Dude, go see why. It's a Jesus miracle!
Kyle: You just wanna lock me in there because you think I'm one of them.
Cartman: Nuh-uh. Seriously, nuh-uh.
Kyle: I'm not going in any meat locker so you can trap me!
Cartman: Trap you? No, no, Kyle, it's actually... lights! [the lights go on and the fourth graders Cartman was talking to earlier pop into view] Ha-ha! It's a trap, Kyle! Get him to the meat locker! [the group of six come up and take Kyle away]
Stan: Dude, what are you doing?
Cartman: [stops Stan and Kenny in their tracks] Back away, guys, this is for the safety of all of us. [rushes up to the freezer door] Sorry Kyle, but you can't be trusted.
Kyle: All right, fine, Cartman! You really want me to go in there, I'll... [his expression changes quickly] Dude, Cartman, what is that behind you?
Cartman: Kyle, do we really have to resort to that?!
Kyle: No, I- I'm serious. What is that behind you?
Cartman: You ginger Jersey Jew! [Snooki rises up behind him] Your tactics don't work on me!
Snooki: Snooki wants smoosh smoosh. [breathes heavily]
Cartman: [looks over his shoulder, then looks back at the other boys] Dude, what the fuck is that thing behind me?
Scene Description: South Park Square, night. Stephen runs up to Garrison behind the barricade
Stephen: Garrison, I think the Jersey people are advancing. Where's Randy?
Mr. Garrison: He's still questioning that new prisoner.
Scene Description: nearby, Randy has a Jersey man strapped onto a chair
Randy: Alright, Mr. Situation, we'll try this again! Why are you people doing this?!
The Situation: Well, I told you, it's, uh, just a Jersey thing. [Randy punches him hard on the left cheek]
Randy: What does that mean?!
The Situation: You just don't understand. It's, uh, it's just... just a Jersey thing. [Randy punches him again, kicks him with the left foot, punches him with the left hand, kicks him on the side of his head with the right foot]
Randy: Stop playing stupid!
Jimbo: Maybe he really is stupid, Randy.
Randy: [shoots back at Jimbo] Nobody's this stupid! [turns to The Situation again] What are you people planning?!
The Situation: It's just a Jersey thing, you know? You...you just gotta be from Jersey to get it. [Randy punches him again with the left hand, kicks him with the left foot, delivers a roundhouse kick with the right foot, flips over him and kicks him on the back of the head]
Gerald: [keeping a lookout atop the barricade] Here they come! [the adults get into position]
Sharon: Is it them, Randy?
Randy: Yup. They're from Jersey alright.
Jersey People: Yeah! Woo-hoo! Let's go! Yeah!
Jersey Man 2: Let's go creepin' in this town!
Jersey Woman: [to another woman] Don't you talk about my family! Don't you talk about my family!
Randy: This is where we make our stand! South Park will never be West Jersey! [some people cheer]
Randy: [waves a New Jersey flag but with the "New" crossed out and replaced with a big red "No"] Fuck New Jersey! [some people cheer and begin firing. The advancing Jersey folk begin to fall one by one] Keep shooting! We're sick of you, Jersey!
Scene Description: Sizzler, night. Screams of children are now heard, and they are trying to hide from Snooki, who is now raping DogPoo
DogPoo: [Screaming] Ugh! Ugh! Get it off of me! Get it off of me!
Snooki: Snooki wants smoosh smoosh!
Stan: [tries to get out, but finds the doors locked] Try to find a way past it!
Cartman: What does it want?!
Butters: Sounds like it wants smoosh smoosh!
Snooki: [leaves DogPoo, reaches Cartman, and starts raping him from behind] Smoosh smoosh! Snooki wants smoosh smoosh!
Cartman: No! You guys, it's raping me! It's raping me!
Stan: Jesus Christ, what the hell do we do?
Kyle: Oh, God. [grabs his head and stumbles away, then falls on all fours] Wuh. Aah. [waves his hand at Stan and Kenny] Get out of here!
Stan: [flatly] Why? [Kyle continues writhing and groaning, before throwing his hat away]
Kyle: Agggh! Agggh! [pulls out a tube of gel and puts some on his left hand] No! [quickly greases up his hair, takes off his jacket, rolls up his sleeves, puts on a necklace, combs his hair, puts two rings on his left hand, and writes "KYLeY-B" on his T-shirt]
Stan: ..Dude.
Kyle: [approaches Snooki; in Jersey accent] Get out of here, you piece of garbage! You wanna smoosh, go creepin' somewheres else!
Snooki: Snooki get the smoosh in the... the tenth...
Kyle: You're garbage! You know that?! You're cabbage! [Snooki babbles and says her name] You've got cabbage in your muff! [Snooki continues babbling] You've got cabbage in your fuckin' muff! [Snooki continues babbling and Kyle finally fells her with a left hook. Snooki whimpers and escapes through a window. Cartman sobs a bit and puts his pants up]
Cartman: [Sniffling] Thank you, Kyle.
Scene Description: Back at the barricade, Jimbo searches for more ammunition
Jimbo: That's the last of it! We're out of ammo!
Randy: Then we've got to start falling back to Utah!
Stuart: What's the point? Can't you see it's over? [the sound of roaring jets is heard and grows louder]
Jimbo: Who is that?! [thirteen planes appear over the horizon]
Randy: It's Al Qaeda! [cheers go up from the crowd. An Al Qaeda pilot salutes from his cockpit. Soon they're diving their planes into the Jersey crowd and killing the Jersey folk] Give 'em hell, Al Qaeda! [More cheers go up from the crowd]
Scene Description: Park County Community Center, day
Randy: On a cold October night, a small town in Colorado stood up to New Jersey and finally said, "Go away!" Our fortitude was the inspiration for others and now, New Jersey is slowly receding back to the desolate land from whence it came. Our country's getting back to normal, and we owe it all to Osama bin Laden. [bin Laden is shown seated on a chair. Cheers go up and Randy places a garland on him, and kisses him on the cheek]
Stan: Well, Kyle, looks like you're totally back to normal.
Kyle: Yeah. The more distance between me and the others from Jersey, the better I feel.
Cartman: Yeah, but you still have it in you. You saved my life, Kyle. Deep down inside, you're a monster. [Pinches Kyle's cheek] But you're my little monster.
Stan: I just have one question, Kyle. At Sizzler when you were yelling "Muff cabbage," what's muff cabbage?
Kyle: It's a, uh, it's a Jersey thing.
Randy: On this day let us all remember that no people on this earth are really enemies, only folks with differences. [a paratrooper descends from the rafters and quickly kills bin Laden with one shot]
Paratrooper: [to his pilot] Tango is down, tango is down.
Randy: We got him!