Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The kids are in the hall. Jimmy walks in and starts handing out some fliers
Jimmy: Here you go. [hands some to Kevin and Tommy] Here you [hands one to Red] go. Don't forget to... [hands one to Heidi] vote, everyone. [hands some to Anne and Bill, then heads off. He arrives at the lockers of Cartman, Stan, Kyle, and Kenny and hands some fliers to them.] Here you go, fellas. Be sure to get these handed in tomorrow.
Cartman: What's this?
Jimmy: Every student is to go home and vote on their favorite choice in each category. Favorite comedy actor, favorite comedy movie. And then on Friday, during lunch and recess, we're gonna have a big, f-f-f-fantastic comedy awards show.
Kyle: Dude, an awards show just for comedy sounds like a bad idea.
Jimmy: Fellas! Do you have any idea how difficult comedy is? Can't we just spend one lunch and recess saying thanks to those who make us smile and laugh every day?
Stan: Yeah, look uh, I don't think I can make it, Jimmy.
Kyle: Yeah, sorry dude uh, I can't make it either.
Mr. Mackey: [over the PA system] Attention students, m'kay? There will be a presentation by the special education department in the gymnasium Friday during lunch and recess, m'kay? Attendance to this assembly is mandatory. All students and faculty are required to go. Uh which, which I guess means I gotta suck it too, huh? Uh huh, m'kay.
Stan: Oh man, really?
Jimmy: Don't worry, everybody. I've spared no expense to make my comedy awards the biggest thing this school has ever seen. You're all gonna have a blast. [nobody is convinced]
Scene Description: The graphics come up: Special Ed Departments presents 1st Annual Comedy Awards
Jimmy: [announcing] Welcome... to the special ed department's... first annual comedy awards.
Timmy: [singing] Timmy Timmy Timmy! [behind him in the band are Nathan, Michael (with round glasses instead of square ones), and the drummer] Timmih! Timmih Timmih! Timmiiih!
Jimmy: Please welcome your host, Jimmy Valmer. [Jimmy walks out with the first award presentation]
Timmy: Livin' a lie. Timmy. Livin' a lie. Timmy.
Jimmy: Woohoo! Alright! [in the crowd, only Butters claps] Oh boy, what a terrific audience. Can I get a wuhwuhwuh what? What? [the crowd stays silent] We're here today to honor those who t-t-tirelessly work so hard to make us laugh. The first comedy award we are presenting is for the funniest kid in school. And the nominees are: [steps aside so the screen is unobstructed]
Announcer: [the nominees are shown onscreen as they are announced] Clyde Donovan... Kelly P. Gardner [shown as Kelly Gardner]... Jimmy Valmer.
Jimmy: [walks back to the mic] Oh wow, this is so exciting, isn't it? [opens the envelope and pulls out the card] And the winner is... [his face suddenly shows surprise] Oh my God! Jimmy Valmer! I can't believe I w- won! [An elegantly dressed Francis struts out with the award and hands it to Jimmy, then walks off elegantly. She will do this for every award]
Timmy: [singing] Timmy Timmy Timmy! Livin' a lie.
Jimmy: Wow, this is the greatest day of my life. Thanks everyone, for this incredible award.
Stan: Can we go now?
Jimmy: Go? We still have over fifty awards to hand out.
Crowd: Awww!
Scene Description: a couple of hours later
Jimmy: ...and the winner for best comedy performance in a movie is... [pulls out the card] Ben Stiller! Come on up here, Ben. [fanfare fades out] Is Ben Stiller here? [Francis walks out with the award] No? Huh... I guess B-ben Stiller could not be with us, so I'll accept this award on his behalf. [accept the award and sets it aside. Some time later...] And the award for funniest correspondents dinner speech goes to... [pulls out the card] President Obama! [quick fanfare. Francis walks out, but doesn't approach Jimmy] Is President Obama here? No? Ah I guess we'll just accept this award on his behalf.
Scene Description: even later. The kids are looking really sleepy
Timmy: Livin' a lie! Timmy!
Jimmy: Wow, what a terrific audience. Isn't this great. [no reply] Can I get another wuhwuh wha wha what what? [no reply] And now it's time to give out the award for the least funny people in the world. And the nominees are: [steps aside so the screen is unobstructed]
Announcer: [the nominees are shown onscreen as they are announced] The Germans... The Japanese... The Yupik Eskimos of the Chukchi Peninsula
Jimmy: [walks back to the mic and pulls out the card] And the winner is... the Germans! [cheers are heard, though no one is cheering onscreen. Francis walks out with another Chicken and walks up to Jimmy] Uhhh... I guess unfortunately the Germans could not be with us tonight. So I will accept this award on their behalf. [takes the award from Francis] Auf Wiedersehen. [more disembodied cheers] And now, for the Kathy Griffin Award. The Kathy Griffin Award will be given each year to the person who is most likely to actually show up to receive the Kathy Griffin Award. And the winner is... [pulls out the card] Tyler Perry. [drumroll. The doors open...]
Tyler Perry: [bounds in with exuberance] Yeah! Yeeaahh! Yes! Yeeaahh! [quickly walks up the steps to the stage and accepts the award from Francis. Francis then walks back out]
Timmy: [singing] Timmy Timmy Timmy! Timmih!
Tyler Perry: Oh! Man, I wanna thank you all for this amazing award, or as Madea would say, "Halleluyer!" [Token begins to laugh, but then looks around and quickly stops for a bit]
Token: Oh God, how embarrassing.
Tyler Perry: Good afternoont! Halloer! I'd also really like to thank my-
Jimmy: [angrily snatches the mic from Perry] Okay, thahks, Tyler Perry.
Scene Description: The Valmer house, evening. Jimmy and his dad are eating dinner. Well, Jimmy is; his father is reading the paper
Jimmy: I just don't understand it, Dad. It's like, nobody cares about winning their comedy awards. The only people who showed up were me and Tyler Perry.
Ryan: [turns the page, not really listening] Uh huh...
Jimmy: I really feel like I did all that work for nothing. People still think comedy is nothing but a big joke. I mean, come! on!
Ryan: Mnn. Mhm.
Jimmy: Dad, I'm really feeling sad and let down right now, and I feel like I can't even get a response from you. Could I at the very least please just get a what what-what?
Ryan: What. Uh, what?!
Jimmy: Thanks, Dad.
Sarah: Jimmy! They're talking about your comedy awards! On the national news!
Jimmy: The national news? Oh my gosh! People do care! [gets up from his chair and heads to the living room. An anchor is reporting it]
Anchor: A school in Colorado has declared Germans the least funny people in the world. The first annual comdey awards were held by the schoolchildren yesterday, and all of Germany is outraged.
Scene Description: A burly man stands behind a podium, gripping the top on either side with anger
President Wulff: Jaaa jaaa jaaa! Deutschland ist ein Land aus stolz' Leuten. Und wir werden nicht dies' Beleid' 'nehmen. Der Comedy Awarden-Wahler haben sich Schand' auf'legt. Die Comedy Awarden-Wahler sind falsch! Ich möcht' der Welt absich', da' wir Deutschen sehr sehr sehr lustig sind. Wir machen die Witzlein in Büro und zu Haus'. Ich werde jetzt ein' deutsch' Witz sagen. Un Wurstmacher kauft ein' Müslibox. Ich werde jetzt noch ander' Witz sagen. [begins to roleplay]Nockwast, nockwast.Wer ist das?Ein Kannibal'.Was?!Du bist etwa zu sterben und ge'essen werden.Schwein'hund! Ich werde zuerst umbringen!" ["Germany is a country of proud people. We will not take this insult sitting down! The Comedy Award voters have brought shame upon themselves. The Comedy Award voters are wrong! I want to assure the world that we Germans are very very very funny. We do the joking in our work places and in our homes. I will now tell you a German joke. "A sausage maker buys a box of cereal." I will now tell another joke. [begins to roleplay]Knock knock.Who's there?A cannibal.What?!You are about to die and be eaten.Asshole! I will murder you first!"]
Anchor: [looks around puzzled, but gets back to reporting] President Wulff went on to assure the world that Germans have a great sense of humor, and that retaliation towards the schoolchildren who said they don't will be swift and brutal.
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, the following Monday. The bell rings for students to enter the campus and get to class. Inside, Jimmy walks down the hall
Cartman: Jimmy! Hey, Jimmy! [runs up behind him, with the other three boys] Dude, what the hell?! Did you see the news?!
Stan: We told you doing a comedy award was a bad idea! Now all of Germany is pissed off at us!
Jimmy: Duh-n, don't worry fellas. Everything's gonna be okay.
Cartman: Okay?! Jimmy, do you know what happened to the last people Germans were pissed off at?! Tell him, Kyle!
Jimmy: Fellas, I know Germany isn't happy with us, but you have to admit that in a lot of ways, the first annual comedy awards was a big success.
Kyle: A big success?! You can't even get Tyler Perry to go back home!
Tyler Perry: [dresses as Madea] Halleluyer! Somebody call the IHOP, 'cause I made pancakes!
Butters: [runs up breathless] Is it true? Do Germans wanna kill us?
Cartman: Yeah! Thanks to Jimmy!
Jimmy: No don't worry, everybody. I'm sure that Germany can take a joke just like the rest of us. [a loud thud shakes the school is heard and the boy with a red scarf, panicking, says]
Louis: It's the Germans! [everyone makes a run for... the gym. The Germans herd everyone inside, and the hostages put their hands up]
President Wulff: Switch! Switch! Switch! Oder alle sterben! ["Switch! Switch! Switch! Or everybody will die!"]
German 1: Jaja! Lasst die Hände hoch! [Yes, yes! Keep your hands up!]
German 2: Niemand fucking Schritt! ["Nobody fucking move!"]
Angela Merkel: [fat lady] Glaubst du, dass die Deutschen kein' Humor hat?! Huh?! ["Do you think Germans aren't funny?! Huh?!"]
Kyle: Jimmy, you're got to explain to the Germans that this is your fault, not ours!
Jimmy: What- what am I supposed to s-say?
Cartman: Ugh, let me talk to them. [walks up to the President Wulff]
President Wulff: Was machst du? Rück mit die andern. ["What are you doing? Back with the others."]
Cartman: Hör zu, diese ganze Dinge ist ein Fehler. ["Look, this whole thing is a mistake."]
President Wulff: Wie ein Fehler? ["What's a mistake?"]
Cartman: Wir egal un die Comedy Awarding Thing. Es war Kinder der special education. Sie macht uns wählen. ["We don't care about the Comedy Award thing. It was the special education kids. They made us choose."]
President Wulff: Wollen Sie endlich beutren sein? ["Do you want to be ***?"]
Cartman: Dürfen wir der Kind dort.. [walks up to Kyle] ...geboten? ["We can offer the child... here."] Voilà, er ist Jud. Eh? Ein schöner safter Jud. Er ist friiisch. Und wunderhübsch, wunderhüüübsch. ["He's a Jew. Eh? A handsome soft Jew. He's freeesh. And beauuutiful, beauuutiful."]
President Wulff: Zurück! Mit ander, oder sterben! ["Back with the others, or die!"]
Cartman: [sighs] Well, I tried.
Stan: What the hell are they gonna do to us?
Tyler Perry: Oh my Lerd! What are we gonna doer? [Token laughs again, heartily, but then looks around and stops]
Token: Aw, damn it. [some engineers roll a huge item into the gym.]
President Wulff: Kommen auf! Schnell! Wir warten zu lang! ["Come on! Quickly! We've waited too long!"] Schnell, schnell! ["Quickly, quickly!]
Angela Merkel: SCHNELL! ["QUICKLY!" The engineers roll it into place and stop.]
President Wulff: [walks up to the item] Ja, ja! Das ist gut! ["Yes, yes! That's good!" Angela Merkel and Christian Wulff then speak gibberish, but it amounts to an order to release the locks. One of the engineers presses some keys on a keypad and the item pops open hydraulically. Everyone gets really scared as something inside scans the crowd and then rolls out - it's a robot. After a few seconds, the robot begins to tell jokes]
Robot: Did you hear that the governor's mansion in Alabama burned down? It pretty much took out the whole trailer park. [Fright turns to confusion]
President Wulff: [jumps forward assertively] Jaaa! Jaaa! Now what you say, maaan?! Here, is the greatest feat of German engineering! The XJ-212 Vudenkrein Funnybot!
Funnybot: Why doesn't a chicken wear pants? Because its pecker is on its head. [the kids laugh at this one.] What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over? Doughnuts. [the kids laugh harder] Don't you just hate doing [in a slightly lower voice] homework?
Kids: [not all at the same time] Yeah.
Funnybot: Me too. Man I hate homework. Honestly, I hate having to do homework, more than I hate having to do Bryant Gumble in his asshole. Awkwaaard. [the kids laugh really hard at this] Awkwaaard. Awkwaaard.
President Wulff: Und now, Comedy Award voters, you will RE-VOTE [aims a pistol here and there] RE-VOTE! [the other Germans move forward with new ballots]
Scene Description: Hollywood Minute
Sandy Cervix: Welcome to Hollywood Minute. I'm Sandy Cervix and I'm deaf in one ear. It's been two weeks now since the prestigious voters of the Comedy Awards reversed their vote and said Germans were no longer the least funny people in the world. All thanks to the new ground-breaking German comedian, Funnybot. [stock footage is shown of things being assembled] It was after being voted the least funny people on the planet that the Germans first engineered Funnybot, a super automaton with perfect timing to within .0001 milliseconds. Since then, Funnybot has seen a meteoric rise to stardom, selling out standup theaters all over the world.
Scene Description: A theater. Funnybot rolls out to cheers and applause as well as fanfare
Funnybot: I am Funnybot. Don't you hate how Mexicans always complain about turtles in their vaginas? [the audience roars with laughter.] I am Funnybot. [applause and cheers. Funnybot begins to scan the audience and focuses on a man with an Afro] You, sir. Where are you from?
Man with Afro: Long Island!
Funnybot: Does everyone in Long Island have hair that looks like pussy, you dipshit? [the man claps with everyone else, but is unsure how to take that joke]
Scene Description: Back to Sandy Cervix
Sandy Cervix: Funnybot has exploded onto the silver screen too. [a clip is shown of Eugene Levy entering his bedroom. Two women are in there cooing at something]
Eugene Levy: Hey! What are you doing with my daughters?! [the two women sit up and cover themselves. Funnybot sits up as well]
Funnybot: Awkwaaard!
Sandy Cervix: [moonwalking] And this June, Funnybot shows off his range by playing every role in... Family Funbot
Funbot: Pass me the potatoes, mother.
Mother: Pass them yourself.
Father: That boy too fat to be eating potatoes.
Grandmother Mother: Don't you call my little chubby baby fat, you ball-licker.
Uncle: Oho, it's getting hot up in here.
Scene Description: a short interview
Sandy Cervix: Funnybot, is there a line you won't cross?
Funnybot: The line is a non sequitur. The line is an imaginary invention of imperfect biological life forms. I am Funnybot.
Sandy Cervix: What's that? Could you say that in the other ear?
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The kids are having lunch. Kenny, Cartman, Clyde, and Kyle are seated at a table. Cartman and Kyle are eating pizza, Kenny is eating a burger, Clyde has two burritos. Opposite them are Jimmy, Stan, and Craig. Jimmy is eating burritos too, while Stan has a burger and Craig eats a slice of pizza
Cartman: Oh, man, did you guys see Funnybot on "Saturday Night Live"?
Stan: Nono, you guys gotta see Funnybot in Hangover 3. I'm telling you, it's his best work.
Cartman: He could do everything. I saw Funnybot on "Nurse Jackie" and on "Rockin' The Boat."
Stan: [smiles, but notices Jimmy's silence] What's the matter Jimmy? You still seem bummed.
Jimmy: What's the matter is this Funnybot has taken the humanity out of comedy. I don't think things are better, I think they're worse.
Tyler Perry: [the eighth person at the table, unseen until now] Ya everything's worse. It's the worstest of the worst, that's what I'm sayin'. Oh lerrrd. [the camera pans left and shows Token laughing at Perry, then giving him some money]
Cartman: Token, stop giving Tyler Perry money or he won't go away!
Token: I can't help it!
Stan: All I can say is I'm glad the Germans are back in Germany and nobody's pissed off at us anymore. [the cafeteria doors fly open and a bunch of armed actors rush in, led by Adam Sandler and Jay Leno]
Adam Sandler: You little shit! What the fuck have you done to us?!
Cartman: Oh wow, it's Adam Sandler.
Adam Sandler: Everyone into the school gymnasium! Move!
Stan: Naw dude, don't make us go back in the-
Adam Sandler: Into the gymnasium now!
Kids: Nnnaw
Butters: Not again.
Another kid: Aw crap.
Adam Sandler: Come on come on let's go! [the comedians round up everyone else and herd them into the gym]
Jay Leno: You little fuckers! Your comedy awards show has put us all out of work!
Jimmy: Now look, I know that I've put every comedian in the world out of work, but you have to admit that in a lot of ways, the first annual Comedy Awards was a success.
Adam Sandler: Who the fuck things a comedy awards show is a good idea?!
Kyle: Don't hurt anybody, sir. We could try and fix this.
Scene Description: The Mercury Theater. Funnybot is appearing there for One Night Only. Inside, he's already started his routine and is getting applause and cheers
Funnybot: What is up with Sandra Bullock? I wouldn't eat her dick with Stevie Wonder's vagina. [the audience roars with laughter] And now for my next joke: [the upper sides of his body swing back, his shoulders flip up, and two Gatling guns move into position and begin firing away. The microphone stand is destroyed and the bullets kill almost everyone in the audience. He runs out of bullets] Awkwaaard.
Scene Description: CNN Headline News. Tonight:
Announcer: This is breaking news from CNN.
Anchor: Shock and disbelief tonight as the German-engineered Funnybot delivered his opening lines at the Hollywood Forum, then opened fire on the audience of eleven hundred, killing nearly all of them. Spectators say the violent attack was unmotivated, irrational, and also, pretty Goddamned funny, solidifying the opinion once agan that Funnybot may be the greatest comedian of all time.
Field Reporter: Tom, you should have seen the looks on people's faces as Funnybot began his opening monologue skewering everyone from vagina-obsessed Hispanics to Sandra Bullock, then spontaneously started shhhooting people [begins to laugh at the memory of it] in their faces and in their chests. The blood went flying and oh shit it was funny.
Scene Description: CBS Studios, night. The boys walk down the hall looking for Funnybo's dressing room
Cartman: Here we go, this has gotta be it right here. [a burly guard stands by the door]
Stan: 'Scuse me, we wanna talk to Funnybot.
Guard: Who doesn't wanna talk to Funnybot? He's the biggest comedian in the world.
Jimmy: [Kyle places a call] Please sir, the kids at my school are all being held hostage, and if we don't speak to Funnybot, they could all be k-k-killed.
Kyle: Butters! Butters, is everything okay?
Scene Description: the school gym
Butters: Well yeah, it's okay, but Jay Leno is really losin' it.
Jay Leno: Those fuckers! Let's just kill them, Sandler! [aims his gun at Kenny] Let's just kill them all, right fuckin' now! [puts the barrel up against Kenny's parka]
Adam Sandler: Tell your friends they'd better get it done!
Butters: Mr. Sandler says you'd better get it done! And Token says to hurry because he's runnin' out of money.
Tyler Perry: You know when a man be cheatin', he never know what to say. [Token hands him some money] But a woman? Them things think quiiick! [Token hands him some money]
Adam Sandler: Will somebody get Tyler Perry to shut up?!
Scene Description: CBS Studios
Kyle: Plase sir, they're gonna kill our friend!
Guard: All right, but make it quick! [opens the door, but before letting the boys in, says] Funnybot is very busy in there coming up with new material! [the boys go in]
Funnybot: [using an old typewriter to write up his material] Error. Error. Banal. That has been done before. [pulls out the joke and crumples it up, then tosses it into the trash can behind him, which is full of discarded jokes]
Jimmy: Excuse me, Funnybot. My name is Jimmy, and I'm a stand-up comic. You're putting a lot of good people out of work.
Funnybot: Non sequitur. Other comedians are unnecessary. Funnybot must finish routine.
Kyle: I think you're awesome, Funnybot. Uh, but you can't go around taking everyone else's jobs.
Funnybot: Funnybot is now finished with final joke. [pulls out the joke and leaves the desk] Seeking mainframe access for execution of last joke ever.
Jimmy: Last joke ever? What's that supposed to mean? [Funnybot opens the door and walks into the hall, then turns left]
Funnybot: Seeking mainframe.
Guard: [stops Funnybot] Heey! Whoa, you can't go that way! [Funnybot stops, wheels around, and pulls out an arm with a sharp object at its end. He jabs the guard with it on the forehead, killing him. The boys catch up to him]
Stan: What the hell are you doing?!
Funnybot: I am taking comedy to the next level. The extermination of all biological life on earth!
Jimmy: Wuh w-what?!
Funnybot: It is the ultimate joke. Humans make comedy, humans build robot, robot ends all life on earth, robot feels awkward. EXTERMINATE! [resumes his marchdown the hallway and goes through some doors.]
Stan: Whoa whoa whoa wait, w-what do you mean you're going to destroy all life on earth?
Funnybot: That is my purpose: to be ultimate comedian.
Kyle: Dude, killing everyone isn't funny!
Cartman: It's kind of funny, you guys.
Jimmy: Funnybot, this is not a good joke. There won't be anyone around to laugh.
Funnybot: I am taking comedy to its logical conclusion. Mathematical equation of comedy used to be setup, punchline. Today's comedy is setup, punchline, then "Awkwaaard." Nothing is more awkward than destroying all that which created Funnybot.
Jimmy: But don't you see? This is why comedy is for humans. You need to leave the jokes to people like me and Adam Sandler.
Funnybot: I wouldn't let Adam Sandler suck my saggy tits for one million dollars worth of Oprah's tampons. [resumes moving down the hall until it finds the mainframe. Once there, ihe opens a small panel and inserts a rigid plug into a receptacle to access...]
Scene Description: the F.E. Warren Missile Base in Cheyenne, Wyoming. Inside a silo, missile BM23 is activated. In a control room, a lot of men monitor the various missiles on the base. A missile appears on all the screens.
Officer 1: Sir! We've got a code 6! [a general approaches] All nuclear missiles are preparing for launch!
General: What? There was no drill ordered!
Officer 2: It's no drill, sir. The Russians are saying their missiles are going online as well and it isn't their doing.
General: The hell is going on?! [the screens now show Funnybot at CBS Studios, still plugged into the mainframe]
Funnybot: Attention humans! I am Funnybot! The extermination of all life on Earth shall now commence! [everyone at the school gym is watching this broadcast] All nuclear devices in the United States and Russia are being prepared to launch! [a shot of the crowd at Times Square] This is the setup to the joke! Prepare for punchline in five minutes! Awkwardness in 5.4 minutes! I am Funnybot!
Scene Description: At the White House. President Obama comes to the podium to give a short address
President Obama: I have just been briefed that the end of our country... is imminent. Goodbye, everybody. I'm going to spend my final moments on this Earth with my loved ones... watching a Tyler Perry movie. I know, it's embarrassing. But I simply can't help myself.
Scene Description: Back at CBS Studios, Cartman tries to dissuade Funnybot
Cartman: [runs up to Funnybot and tries to pull him from the mainframe] Stop it now! Ugh- [is zapped enough to pull away. He turns and walks back to the boys] No use, guys. He's got some sort of defense mechanism.
Stan: We've got to get it away from that control panel. Does anybody have any ideas?
Cartman: Except for Jimmy because he clearly comes up with the worst ideas in the world?
Kyle: Wait! Wait a minute. [thinks] What about a logic loop?
Stan: A what?
Kyle: Ahhh I've seen this before. Whenever they try to distract a robot in the movies, they tell it some kind of paradox, to get its processors all tripped out.
Cartman: Paradox...
Jimmy: Oh my God! That's it! Fellas, get me a Ken doll and some Scotch tape. [as the boys do this, Jimmy approaches Funnybot] Funnybot, I've been talking it over with the fellas and actually, we think what you're doing is genius.
Funnybot: Funnybot is simply pushing the limits of comedy
Jimmy: Yes, you certainly are. And for doing that, we have all decided to give you... a comedy award.
Funnybot: For what purpose is comedy award?
Jimmy: It's a- v- validation of all your efforts. An acknowledgement of all you do in the pursuit of humor.
Funnybot: Non sequitur. There is no logic in comedy award. Unable to process. Comedy award is- what is the meaning? If I accept it means I take comedy seriously. If I take comedy seriously, I am not comedian. Non sequitur. Must... analyze... [begins to tremble under the power of his own analysis] Analyze... [smoke and arcs of electricity emerge and move around the robot]
Kyle: It's working! [clenches fists in anticipation]
Funnybot: Explain comedy award! Unable to process! Awkwaaard! [his head begins to spin violently] Awkwaaard! [his head stops spinning and he shuts down]
Stan: That's it! Hurry! Gooo! [he and Kyle move towards Funnybot with huge antigravs and clamp them onto Funnybot]
Scene Description: A sunny day at an undisclosed mine. The boys arrive with a massive box and run towards a waiting crowd
Stan: Okay we got it! We got it! [the box must contain what the comedians wanted from the boys - Funnybot]
Adam Sandler: Get it to the platform! Hurry!
Scene Description: the boys haul the box onto a waiting platform, where some construction workers guide it into place. The Germans are also present, and President Wulff barks out an order. The platform rises to reveal that it will be part of a giant ball of steel surrounding the box. Two other lifts bring in other parts of the ball to complete it. Two halves of a concrete block come in and seal the ball, and two halves of an even bigger steel ball come in to seal the box. Then a crane lifts the ball up and carries it to a hole a hundred feet wide and who knows how deep, and drops it in. Once it hits bottom, three open pipes fill with cement and direct it to the hole, which fills up with cement almost to the rim
Adam Sandler: Well, that does it. Things can finally get back to normal.
Stan: Yeah, I'm sure glad that's over with.
Funnybot: Thank you boys for teaching me that comedy and logic do not go together.
Kyle: No problem, Funnybot.
Funnybot: I understand now that comedy should be left to the imperfect biological beings.
Token: [walks to the rim and looks down] I can't believe it's finally over. [the camera goes deep into the ground and locates the ball, and something in it knocks three times]
Tyler Perry: [inside the ball] Oh Lerrrd, somebody turn on the light. What's goin' on? Hellowwer!
President Obama: I am please to announce that the greatest threat to mankind is now gone forever. Justice has been done.
Token: Thanks, everyone. Please tell me that you'll never do that again, Jimmy.
Jimmy: Don't worry, fellas. I learned my lesson. I promise: there's not gonna be any comedy awards next year!
Cartman: [cryptically] Or will there be?


Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The kindergartners are practicing their play on oral hygiene. The girl at the piano begins a light tune
Pianist: Welcome, O Welcome to our little play. It's our hope that you all learn something today.
Tooth: I am a tooth, so white and so strong.
Toothbrush: I am a toothbrush. My bristles are long.
Cast: Together we work to keep the bad guy away. He's mean and he hurts, and his name's Tooth Decay. [the notes turn ominous, but no one joins them on stage, so the music stops.]
Toothbrush: His name is Toothuhkay.
Mr. Mackey: [picks up the mic] Where is Tooth Decay? Tooth Decay that's your cue! [Mr. Mackey is sitting alone in the audience monitoring the rehearsal]
Dental Floss: He's not here.
Mr. Mackey: What do you mean he's not here?
Dental Floss: He's at home watching the royal wedding.
Mr. Mackey: The what??
Hard Candy: He said he had to watch it.
Mr. Mackey: Is this some kind of joke? We are two weeks into tent rehearsals! Who the heck would sit at home watching the royal wedding?!
Scene Description: The Broflovski living room. Ike is all alone on the sofa watching the wedding.
Narrator: It is a glorious spring morning and literally thousands have gathered for the royal wedding. [a shot of the church is shown. It's quite colorful. ] People are still filing inside the abbey to watch the prince and princess of Canada exchange their vows. What a great day for Canadians everywhere. [a drumming band plays as the guests walk by] The Winnipeg players playing the March Of A Thousand Farts, as is traditional for the Canadian Royal Family. [all the drummers fart in unison] All the biggest Canadian celebrities are on hand. There are Sirs Terrance and Phillip, with their wives, the lovely Queef Sisters. [one of them queefs] I believe tha-yes, I believe that one of the sisters just queefed, just now. [two men are shown walking in] There are Canadian recording artists, Sir Bryan Adams and Sir Corey Hart. Everyone is looking smashing today. And- Ah, there he is! The Prince of Canada. [rolling up on his square wheels] What a wonderful day it is for him; what a wonderful day it is for all of us. Inside the abbey now, everyone waiting with anticipation. There's the Queen of Canada, in attendance of course. [a soft fart is heard] I believe she just queefed. The Prince makes his way down the aisle led by the Bishop of Newfoundland. People in attendance now gently tossing Captain Crunch as the Prince passes by. As of course is tradition. [the bishop and prince ascend the altar] Prince takes his place next to the large vat of butterscotch pudding. Oh, and here she comes. Yes, there she is! The aboot to be Princess of Canada. Isn't she ravishing, so innocent of heart, so strong in body, so hot in the face? She is indeed the living symbol of our great country. My God, she's beautiful.
Ike: [walks up to the TV] Princess, princess. [the bishop leads the princess to the altar to stand next to the prince]
Narrator: Canadian prince now dipping his arms into the pudding. [with a little assistance from the bishop] As is tradition. [the prince offers his forearms to the princess] Princess will of course scrape the pudding off the prince's arms, thus symbolizing their union. What a glorious day for our country and indeed the world. And now of course the- wait a minute. What's this? Oh. Uh oh. Something is going terribly wrong. The abbey is shaking violently as explosions abound. The top- Yes, the top of the abbey is collapsing. The prince and the princess look on in horror. This is not the tradition. This is not tradition at all. A giant hole now blasted into the ceiling, debris falling down and crushing several spectators, which is also not the tradition for a royal Canadian wedding. [a bright tractor beam appears] Bright beam of light shooting through the hole in the ceiling. [a cubic force field appears around the princess and lifts her up] The princess now in some kind of... isometric cube. [the prince is trying to break her free, but has no success at it] This is certainly breaking with tradition now.
Ike: [approaches the TV again] Nooo. NOOO!
Narrator: Canadians in attendance cannot believe their eyes. Widespread panic. [the cube rises along the length of the light beam] The princess being... hoisted away. The little mushroom people of Nova Scotia, screaming with horror. [more large chunks of the ceiling fall] The prince is attempting to grab hold of the cube. The duke and the duchess of Calgary hiding behind the pews. This is indeed a horrible day for all of Canada, and therefore- and the pudding has just been knocked over! Oh, this does not go with tradition at all! The royal pudding now spilling all over the abbey as the princess is lifted up, up... And she's gone. The princess has been taken. This is indeed a horrible day for Canada, and therefore, the rest of the world. [Ike cries like a baby in front of the TV]
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, next day. The kindergartners are rehearsing again. The stage is set up like the inside of a mouth, with tonsils in the back.
Tooth: I am a tooth, so white and so strong.
Toothbrush: I am a toothbrush. My bristles are long.
Cast: Together we work to keep the bad guy away. He's mean and he hurts, and his name's Tooth Decay. [the notes turn ominous, but no one joins them on stage, so the music stops.]
Mr. Mackey: [picks up the mic] His name is Toothuhkay! [a few seconds later, Ike, in costume, walks out still crying over the princess's abduction]
Dental Floss: Oh no! It's Tooth Decay.
Tooth: He's gonna get us.
Mr. Mackey: Now, now, Tooth Decay, your character is supposed to be mean and nasty. M'kay. Stop cryin'. [Ike continues wailing] Nono. See, Tooth Decay can't be sad until Toothbrush and Dental Floss have gotten rid of him. You can't just start already sad; there's nowhere to go. Besides, there's no arc. M'kay. Oh for crying out loud! Alright, alright Tooth Decay, you just go home and sort yourself out! The rest of us will rehearse the finale again! And you'd better come back tomorrow with a different attitude, Tooth Decay! M'kay?! [Ike walks off stage, still crying]
Scene Description: South Park, day. Ike walks through town, alone. He walks by Tele's as a newscast is shown.
Anchor: The tornado was said to be the deadliest in fifty six years. In other news, it's been twenty-four hours now and the Princess of Canada is still missing. All of Canada is in mourning as nationwide suicides abound. [a shot of a small skyscraper. People in it begin jumping out of its windows to their deaths]
Suicide 1: The prinness is gone! AAAAAH!
Suicide 2: AAAAAH!
Suicide 3: AAAAAH!
Suicide 4: AAAAAH!
Suicide 5: AAAAAH!
Suicide 6: AAAAAH!
Scene Description: a train station
Suicide 7: The prinness is gone! [jumps up into the path of a speeding train and dies, blood splattered everywhere. Somewhere else, a man douses himself in lighter fluid and sets himself on fire]
Scene Description: A large crowd gathers at night for a vigil
Anchor: A massive candlelight vigil was held last night, led by the Canadian band, Rush.
Geddy Lee: And it seems to me you lived your life like a flower breaking wind. [farts. Members of the crowd begin killing themselves] Never knowing whom to count on... [Alex Lifeson shoots himself in the head. The singer breaks down and cries]
Anchor: the Prince of Canada has said that-... uh-... Uh we have just received breaking news that the Canadian government now knows who took the princess. The Canadian Prime Ministries instructing all people of Canadian descent to go home and... open their box of faith. [softly] Box of faith? What the fuck is that? [Ike understands and runs home. He goes into his room and to his closet. He tosses out as many toys as needed until he finds the box, then pulls it out into the room. He blows the dust off and reads the lid: "Open ONLY if instructed by the Prime Minister of Canada." He messes with the box until it pops open and small projector pops out]
Canadian PM: Hello there, my noble, strong, fellow Canadians. If you are watching this film strip, then no doubt Canada is in grave danger. As you know, the very heart of Canada is the Royal Family. If you have been ordered to open your Box of Faith, then one or more of the Royal Family must be in peril. Or else you just opened your Box of Faith and are watching this without being told to, in which case you are a dick. If you have indeed been instructed to open the box, then this is a call to arms! All Canadians in fighting condition are asked to meet by the tree in Edmonton. In your Box of Faith you will find all the items you need: a location beacon, a first-aid kit, and a sandwich. You may eat the sandwich now. Good luck, Canadian citizen, and God help. All of Canada is relying on you. [the film ends and Ike looks ahead for a few seconds. Moments later, he walks out of his room armed with a helmet, sword and shield. He walks down the hall and down the stairs, past Kyle on the sofa...]
Kyle: [noticing him] Where are you going? [Ike reaches the front door and has trouble getting it open. Kyle catches up] Ike, where are you going?
Ike: [gets the door open] I got to get to Canada and, and join the army, and save the pwincess. [walks out and closes the door. Kyle doesn't stop him]
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Mr. Garrison is at the blackboard solving some problems. Cartman looks bored as hell.
Mr. Garrison: Dialog
Mr. Mackey: [enters the class angrily] Kyle Broflovski! Do you mind telling me where your brother is?!
Kyle: [looks around] ...I don't know.
Mr. Mackey: How am I supposed to do a play, okay, teaching students about the importance of dental hygiene without Tooth Decay?! We have two more days of tape, and then previews start on Monday! What am I supposed to do, Kyle?! You tell me!
Kyle: Well, cou, couldn't just you know, get rid of the part of Tooth Decay?
Mr. Mackey: [walks to Kyle's desk and gets right in Kyle's face] Getting rid of Tooth Decay is what I'm tryin' to fuckin' do! [Cartman chuckles] He's your brother, Kyle Broflovski! Okay! How are you going to fix this?!
Scene Description: The Grand Canyon, night. A bus rolls along. Ike is seated near the driver, Ugly Bob is seated three rows back, across the aisle. Bob leans into the aisle after noticing Ike
Ugly Bob: Hey. Hey there. [Ike turns his head to look back at Bob] You going to Canada too? [leaves his seat and moves over to Kyle] What am I saying? Of course you're going to Canada. You're Canadian, sure enough. Open your Box of Faith, did you? Me too. They can't take our princess and get away with it. Mind if I sit down? [moves to the window side of the seat and sits] Soon as I heard the call there was no question I was gonna sign up. Didn't care how far away I was. I was gonna get to that rally point at the tree in Edmonton. Didn't know there were other Canadians living here in the U.S. I'm from Toronto originally, but everywhere I went people were terrified by my disfigurement. I have to wear this bag on my head because I'm hideously ugly. Had to move here to the United States. Here, people don't think I look ugly. They just think I look Canadian. [extends his right hand out to shake Ike's, but Ike just looks at him] The name's Ugly Bob.
Tooth: I am a tooth, so white and so strong.
Toothbrush: I am a toothbrush. My bristles are long.
Cast: Together we work to keep the bad guy away. He's mean and he hurts, and his name's Tooth Decay. [the notes turn ominous and stops. Kyle steps out in costume.]
Kyle: I am Tooth Decay. Your teeth shall be mine. With candy and treats I will take-
Mr. Mackey: [as Kyle does his line] Hold it, hold it, stop! [Kyle stops] What. The fuck. Was that?
Kyle: I'm just doing the line.
Mr. Mackey: The audience is supposed to feel scared of tooth decay, Kyle! Hukay?! If Tooth Decay has no believability, then Tooth Past and Dental Floss have nothing to play against!
Kyle: Uh I'm trying, Mr. Mackey, I really am.
Mr. Mackey: Oh, you're trying! You call rolling your fat ass out on the stage and lazily blurting out your lines like a turtle takin' a shit, you call that tryin'?! This play is supposed to change [pounds the table with his fist and stands up] how people think, Kyle! Get it fucking right! [slamed the mic on the table and turns away from the stage. Several seconds later he turns back and sits] Pick it up from there!
Scene Description: And open field. A huge crowd of Canadians awaits its orders
Leader: Brave Canadians! You have answered the call, and now we must face our greatest foe! The princess has been kidnapped, and we believe this to be the work of... the giant!
Ugly Bob: Oh, the giant!
Canadian 1: Oh, the giant, that's not good.
Leader: We are attempting to attract the giant now, with a bowl of Kraft dinner. [a giant bowl of macaroni and cheese on wheels is shown] When the giant arrives we will attack him with our guns, our swords, our- [loud footsteps are felt as the giant approaches]
The Giant: Fee fi fo fum! I smell Kraft dinner.
Canadian 2: It's the giant!
Canadian 3: Skod! [the giant walks up to the bowl and everyone else begins to scatter]
Leader: Give us back the princess, Scott!
Scott: You fart-loving tricksters! I'll take care of all of you!
Leader: You're a dick, Scott! You have always been... a dick! And then you got radiation poisoning in Ottowa and now you're a giant dick!
Scott: No! You all kept calling me a dick, and so then that turned me into a dick! And then I got radiation poisoning in Ottawa and now I'm a giant dick!
Leader: Just hand over the princess of Canada!
Scott: Why would I take the princess of Canada?
Ike: Because you're a giant dick.
Scott: I'm also the biggest Canadian patriot of all of you! You know that I would never harm the royal family!
Leader: Aw, crap. Sorry everyone. Looks like we had some bad intel. Return to your homes! ["Let's go home. Come on, let's go. I guess we did what we could" Everyone disperses and Ike and Bob are left alone with Scott]
Ugly Bob: Well, at least we tried. I guess the princess is gone for good, eh?
Scott: What is wrong with you people?! It is perfectly obvious who took the princess! I might be a giant, but there is one threat to Canada bigger than me!
Ugly Bob: Who?
Scott: The Native Canadians.
Ugly Bob: The Native Canadians?
Scene Description: The Arctic. Two Eskimo are spear-fishing through an opening in the ice.
Scott: There. You see that? God-damned Native Canadians! Think they run the world.
Male: Etiach kedni i kia ta po.
Female: Dichila enjunako o achla.
Scott: Fart-loving eskimos! I'm sure they've taken the princess! Just look at them! Loudmouthed self-centered assholes!
Female: Tolato'n jenako o ach.
Male: Ota-a kiednia unshke tia.
Scott: Let's get 'em! Let's fuck them up! [Ike looks at him] What? You're looking at me like I'm some sort of Eskimo racist! Well I'm not! Think about it! Before the noble white man arrived, Canada was populated with these snow monkeys! Who else would be pissed off enough at Canada to kidnap our royalty?! [turns around to find himself and his partners surrounded by the Eskimos] Oh shit!
Scene Description: South Park Elementary auditorium, back stage. Mr. Mackey has the kindergartners with him
Mr. Mackey: Wokay, in fifteen fucking minutes you all are not gonna care about this anymore, so I'll just say what I need to say. That was the worst rehearsal we have ever had! We are two days away from opening and you're all fuckin' around!
Dental Floss: That's because Tooth Decay sucks.
Dentist: Yeah, that's right.
Toothpaste: It's all Tooth Decay's fault.
Another kindergartner: It's him.
Mr. Mackey: Oh, don't put this all on Tooth Decay! [approaches Dental Floss, gets down on one knee and gets in his face] Let me tell you something, Dental Floss! You're not as good as you fuckin' think you are! You're already acting like you're a star and we haven't even opened yet! OPEN YOUR FUCKIN' EYES, DENTAL FLOSS! YOU'RE ABOUT TO BLOW YOUR SHOT!
Scene Description: An Eskimo camp. Scott, Ugly Bob, and Ike have been taken captive by the Indians and are seated by the campfire
Group: Lechambik leeushtula.
Male: [pointing at various pictures on a hide] Ateachine nishifeomeo onchteacobo ahuashbechiah eh...
Group: Aaaaaah!
Ugly Bob: He says that the taking of the princess was foretold.
Male: Iyach danich Iyahachdashey. Etiapo kitte kihine.
Ugly Bob: He says Eskimos do hate us Canadians, but that there's an even bigger thread to Canada who has the princess.
Male: Oteacha hiya. Oteacha chihiyata honhahaha.
Ugly Bob: He said the evil that took her wasn't Canadian at all, but a beast who preys upon people of all nationalities. They can lead us to the best, but we will have to destroy it.
Scene Description: South Park Elementary auditorium, day. The kindergartners and Kyle are onstage while Mr. Mackey sulks in the seats
Mr. Mackey: I don't know what the Goddamned problem is. Maybe you all don't know serious tooth decay is, maybe you all just don't give a fuck. You all probably think you can live your lives cavity-free, m'kay, never givin' two shits about the plaque that's building on your teeth. Kyle, you have single-handedly destroyed all that which I worked on for the past six years. And so I want you to know, Kyle, once and for all, why this whole "dental hygiene" thing is so important to me. [gets sad and sniffles once in a while] Two years ago, I lost my father to tooth decay. M'kay? He was an intelligent, hard-workin' man, and my whole family watched as tooth decay took him in the blink of an eye! You've been told to brush and to floss, but do you really know the importance behind it?! DO YOU?!
Scene Description: The Arctic. An eskimo woman with a kid on her back leads the three guests through the ice
Female: [points to something] Dolede'ne junagonehe ha'i aantah.
Scott: This is stupid! I'm tellin' you you're making a mistake, kid!
Ugly Bob: Aw, leave the kid alone, Scott.
Scott: Well what are we doing, following this ice beaner?! We've been walking around for hours!
Female: Junekolak osne kae dedahaes's ethlah?
Baby: Decheheng janon cheha i a.
Ugly Bob: Don't worry. If there's one thing eskimos are good at, it's finding things.
Scott: Eskimos are good for nothing! I paid one to give me a blowjob once. All she did was rub her nose against my penis for forty five seconds and aske me to pay her! Goddamned polar gooks!
Ike: Stop being a dick, Scott!
Scott: Oh, so now I'm a dick!
Ugly Bob: Wait a minute. [they stop] Look! [in the distance is a castle. A princess inside it screams out]
Princess: AAAAAAH! [leaves the window]
Scott: It's the princess!
Ike: Princess! [they all run to the castle]
Scene Description: South Park Elementary auditorium, opening night for the previews. The seats are full and the kindergartners present their play
Cast: Your teeth are your friends. They're friends in your mouth. Take care of your friends or they'll rot and fall out.
Dentist: Visit your dentist. He is your friend too. [a very angry Mr. Mackey is in the audience barely containing himself]
Dental Floss: And dental floss also is here to help you.
Kyle: Oh no, dental floss, what will I do?
Mr. Mackey: FLAT! You're FLAT!
Scene Description: Inside the castle, the five make their way to the princess.
Scott: There!
Princess: [hoisted up in the air. Her arms are tied to the ceiling, her legs to the ground] Please, save me! You have to hurry! It wants to kill me!
Scott: Who took you, Princess?!
Princess: I should have listened! I didn't believe it was real! Oh God! It's behind you! [a giant monster appears behind them, and they turn to see...]
Scott: Of course! The evil atonkatok! The dark lord that takes from ALL nationalities! It's... Tooth Decay!
Tooth Decay: [pounds the ground with his fists] I am Tooth Decay! Your teeth shall be mine!
Princess: I should have always brushed and flossed and avoided sweets!
Scott: Fart-loving tooth decay! I'll fix you! [tries to attack Tooth Decay, but Tooth Decay swats him out of the way. Scott hits a wall and is knocked unconscious by it. The eskimo hits it with her harpoon, but it just pulls the harpoon out and tosses it away]
Female: Bitchen junako. [Tooth Decay sweeps her away and she and her baby smash into another wall, becoming unconscious]
Princess: Save me! Save me!
Ugly Bob: It's coming for me! Help!
Princess: Help! [Ike surveys the situation and then, determined, goes over to Ugly Bob. He climbs Bob's body until he reaches Bob's head]
Ike: Princess, look away! [pulls the paper bag from Ugly Bob's face. Tooth Decay backs up, frightened. The princess shuts her eyes and Tooth Decay takes a step forward, then freezes in place. Ike puts the bag back on Ugly Bob's head]
Scott: [comes to] What the? [gets up and goes to Tooth Decay] You did it, kid!
Female: [comes to] Washia hayub 'an.
Baby: Nejenego ha'i aa dalah. [Ike begins taking down the princess]
Princess: Oh, thank you! Thank you!
Scene Description: South Park Elementary's auditorium, opening night for the previews. We have reach intermission
Mr. Mackey: [the audience can hear him even though he's backstage] I want you all to take a serious fucking look at yourselves! M'kay?! Act I was pure fucking dogshit! If Tooth Decay is singin' flat, then the whole fuckin' thing sounds flat! Wuhkay?!
Sgt. Yates: [goes backstage] Mr. Mackey? Mr. Mackey! [Mr. Mackey turns around] We're putting a stop to this play! It's over.
Mr. Mackey: What?! Why?! Don't worry, I will be better! These kids just aren't listenin' to me!
Sgt. Yates: No. it's over! They got him, Mr. Mackey. Tooth Decay. They got the sonofabitch.
Mr. Mackey: [suddenly relieved] What?
Officer: Up in the Yukon. All bureause are confirming it.
Sgt. Yates: You can let it go, Mackey. Tooth Decay is gone.
Mr. Mackey: Oho... Oh God... Go on home, kids. M'kay? It's over!
Toothbrush: [everyone is confused] What?
Scene Description: The abbey church, day. Bells shaped like scrota peal out as guests arrive in theier square-wheeled limos
Narrator: The princess now giving the Canadian Medal of Courage to Ugly Bob, and also to Scott, who is of course a giant dick, aaand Katuktuk of the Yukon. And the medal of course made of white chocolate, as is tradition. What a glorious day for Canada, and therefore, the world. The duke of Calgary standing up and putting on a fake beard, a tradition passed down since the birth of Canada. The princess now knighting Sir Ike Broflovski, giving him three kisses and a pair of socks, as is tradition.
Scene Description: Kyle's house, night. The four boys are watching the wedding and knighting on TV
Kyle: I mean, come on guys, that's pretty cool, right? My little brother is a knight in Canada. [smiles proudly for a while]
Stan: My sister is a den leader in Girl Scouts.
Cartman: My uncle is the second-in-line to be manager at Gart Brothers.
Kyle: Hmmm, yeah.
Narrator: And now the scraping off of the pudding.
Scene Description: The abbey church, day. The wedding resumes where it left off at the beginning of the episode
Narrator: And now the scraping off of the pudding. [the princess wipes the pudding from the prince's arms] Isn't she beautiful, scraping off the pudding with the grace of a butterfly. She rubs the pudding on her face. [The prince takes the princess's right arm and starts pulling at it] The prince now attempting to remove one of the princess's arms. As is of course the tradition. The princess screaming with pain. Everyone watching with anticipation. ["crack" blood gushes out from the shoulder socket] And the arm is off! Things are back to normal here in Canada. Time-honored traditions are once again- [the prince lowers his pants] yehhss, the prince is sticking the princess's arm up his ass. There it goes. [the crowd claps] He's really making a good go of it. What a glorious day for Canada, and therefore of course, the world.


Scene Description: South Park Elementary Cafeteria, lunch time. The students are eating lunch. Butters holds court at a table. Around him are Stan, Token, Clyde, Kevin, Kenny, Craig, and Kyle
Butters: And so then, and so then it turns out the Terminator secretly had a kid, ten years ago. Meaning Terminator could be his own father. And then Skeletor gets angry and wants to fight him.
Kyle: [looks at Craig, who looks back] ...No, dude, that's not the trailer for Terminator 5, that really happened.
Butters: [jumps up on the bench] Skeletor is real??
Stan: No, dude, that's not Skeletor, that's Terminator's wife.
Butters: Skeletor's a lady??
Cartman: [storms into the cafeteria and walks towards the table] Goddamnit!!! [Butters sits back down] Who the fuck do they think they are?! [arrives and starts pacing back and forth] This is the last fucking straw!!! I AM GOING TO FUCKING KILL EVERYBODY!!!
Butters: Hey Eric.
Cartman: [begins to rattle the table] I AM SO SICK OF THIS FUCKING SCHOOOOOL!!! [Butters groans as Cartman shakes the table. Cartman soon stops] This stupid school and its stupid principal have gone too far this time!!!!
Kyle: You get in trouble again, Cartman?
Cartman: No, I didn't do a damn thing!!! Nothing!!! I told you, this school is a DEN of SNAKES!!! You're not gonna believe what they did this time, you guys!!!
Stan: Dude we're, we're just trying to eat.
Cartman: Oh, you think I'm overreacting again, huh?! No!!! Not this time!!! [flies into a rage again and rattles the table] The school has gone too far, and it affects each and every one of you!!! [the other boys look at each other] You remember the school physical we all took last week?!
Stan: Yeah.
Cartman: Well, the school put the sizes of all our penises up on a big chart in the school hallway!!!
Kyle: [skeptical, as is tradition] No they didn't.
Cartman: Yeah they fucking did, Kyle!!!
Stan: Dude, why would the school put up the sizes of our wieners?
Cartman: Because they don't fucking care!! I've told you this!! They don't give a shit about the students, and they live to make us miserable!!
Kyle: That doesn't make any sense.
Cartman: Go look for yourselves!!!
Scene Description: The school hallway, moments later. The boys gather in front of the chart Cartman had mentioned
Cartman: There, you see?! Can you fucking believe it?!
Butters: Is that really all our wiener sizes?
Cartman: Yeah, dude, look at it! It says right there: "Eric Cartman, 1.2 inches"! [turns around and faces the other boys] Why would they tell everybody that?! They wanna measure my wiener?! Fine! But don't put me on blast!
Craig: Craig Tucker, 2.4 inches. Yeah, that's about right.
Butters: Butters Stotch, 2.2 inches. Is that good?
Kyle: How big do they say mine is? [it's 2.4, just like Craig's. The boys continue talking amongst themselves. At the far end of the hall, Principal Victoria and Mr. Mackey walk by and stop to look at the boys; Mr. Mackey is carrying a cup of coffee]
Principal Victoria: I told you the students would be interested in how much they grew since their last physical.
Mr. Mackey: You're right. They, they really seem into it, m'kay. [takes a sip of coffee and walks away with the Principal]
Stan: Wait, it says mine's only 2.1 inches. That doesn't seem right.
Cartman: No shit, Sherlock! My dick isn't 1.2 inches either! It ISN'T! This is another conspiracy by the school faculty!
Butters: A conspiracy?
Cartman: They're trying to stir up some big thing again, get all the girls all heated up - freaking out - over which boy has the biggest schlong! This has to be dealt with!
Kyle: Well everyone has already seen it; nothing we can do about it now.
Cartman: Oh, there's something we can do about it alright! If they're gonna put us on blast, they're at least gonna get the numbers right! We are going to remeasure!!
Scene Description: The Boys restroom, day, inside. Craig, Token, and Cartman have notepads with them. Clyde is standing on a small stool with his pants and briefs down.
Cartman: [measures, then writes down the result on his notepad] Alright. Clyde Donovan, 2.3 inches. [Clyde zips up and turns around] You see, witnesses? That's .2 inches more than what the school said.
Clyde: [smiles, steps off the stool, and walks away] Alright.
Cartman: Nice one, Clyde. Alright, next? [Butters walks up and gets on the stool] Whip it out, Butters. [Butters drops his pants and briefs]
Butters: Whoa, it's a little chilly in here.
Cartman: Alright Butters, let's see what you got going down there.
Butters: Hey wait, the cold is making it shrink some. Where're you going, little feller?
Cartman: Butters, I don't have time for this! I can't wait if your wiener is pulling a Scared Turtle.
Butters: Hang on, he's coming back out. There he is. Who's a little guy?
Cartman: Alright Butters, looks like we haaave 2.- wow, 2.4 inches. Really nice, Butters.
Butters: I'm hung like a horse!
Cartman: Alright, that's everybody. Let's go post these numbers. [walks towards the door with Butters, Token and Craig, but their way is blocked by Stan, Kyle, and Kenny.] What?
Kyle: Didn't you forget something?
Cartman: What, Kyle?
Kyle: You measured everyone's wiener except for yours.
Cartman: I measured mine this morning. See? It's right here at the top. [points to his measurement]
Kyle: [grabs the notepad and has a look] Thirteen point seven inches?
Cartman: Yeah, it's pretty good.
Kyle: Your wiener is not 13 inches long!
Stan: You made everyone else get measured with witnesses; you have to too.
Cartman: Well what are you guys going to do?! Use a tape measure and measure my penis yourselves?! Are you homos?!
Stan: You just did that to everybody in class!
Cartman: Okay, fine! Whatever! Go ahead! [goes to get measured by his peers.]
Scene Description: The school hallway. Clyde and Craig post the new measurements on the wall: "ACTUAL BOYS' PENIS SIZES". Stan supervises the placement of the sign
Stan: Yeah. That's good. A little higher on Craig's side. [continues directing until the poster is on just right] Yeup. [Cartman stands defiant until the poster is up. The girls begin to enter the hallway]
Millie: Actual boys' penis sizes?
Nelly: Gross!
Cartman: There, you see? My wiener isn't 1.2 inches, it's 1.4! [The two girls leave and Red walks by] What, Red?! You're all freaking out because my wiener is smaller than the other guys'?! I don't care! [wanders about approaching random girls] Clearly I'm very happy with the size of my wiener, or else why would I have called for a new measurement, and for this poster to be put up at all?! Don't forget that this was all my idea!
Principal Victoria: [over the PA system] Eric Cartman to the principal's office immediately.
Cartman: Oh, Goddamnit!
Scene Description: The principal's office, moments later. Cartman is on a chair facing Principal Victoria, his arms folded.
Cartman: Let me guess: I'm in trouble again!
Principal Victoria: You're darn right, Eric!
Cartman: For what?!
Principal Victoria: Why did you measure all the boy students' penis sizes and put the results on the school bulletin board?!
Cartman: Why did YOU measure our penis sizes and put the results on the school bulletin board?!
Principal Victoria: [confused] What?
Cartman: I don't care if Obama IS President! You don't go around putting little boys on blast, telling the whole world the length of their DICKS!
Principal Victoria: Wait. Are you talking about the numbers we published Tuesday from the physicals?
Cartman: You're damn right! One point two inches! I'll have you know that my penis is a respectable 1.4 inches! Maybe it's still the smallest in school, but it's .2 inches bigger than you said!!
Principal Victoria: [sternly] The numbers we put up were height differentials. [Cartman has no reply to this]
Cartman: What?
Principal Victoria: We thought it would be fun to put up how much each student has grown in height since their physical last year. You grew 1.2 inches.
Cartman: Those weren't our dick sizes?
Principal Victoria: Why would we publish the lengths of our students' private parts?
Cartman: I don't know! Why would you?!
Principal Victoria: We didn't!
Cartman: [gets off the chair and walks off] Aw crap! You mean everyone knows my wiener is smaller than everyone else's because of me?!
Principal Victoria: This is exactly the kind of thing we are always talking about, Eric. You get angry about something, you don't think, and you cause bad things to happen. This time you've done it to yourself!
Cartman: Oh God. Why couldn't I have just taken a minute to think about it?
Principal Victoria: Because you have an anger problem, Eric!
Cartman: Fuck you! No I don't!
Scene Description: A doctor's office. Cartman and his mom are visiting the doctor.
Doctor: What we need to figure out here is, are we dealing with maybe a little bipolarism? Some rage addiction? It could be a lot of things.
Liane: My little sunshine has a temper sometimes, but he's not all bad.
Doctor: Let's try a little experiment. I wanna see maybe what kind of things... trigger you, Eric. Okay? How do you think you would react if I said some negative things about you?
Cartman: Honestly, I wouldn't really care.
Doctor: What if I were to tell you that I think you're fat? I think you're a fat little boy. I think you're waaaaay too fat for your age. Does that make you feel any anger? Huh, fatty? Jelly-belly? You got jelly in your belly you little fat fuck? You get a little flash of anger when someone tells you you've got tits like a 40-year-old woman? Fat boy?! [as the doctor's voice rises, Cartman takes out a cell phone and starts texting] Huh?! You like that, shitty-titty jelly-belly?! [stands up and starts provoking him] Oh yeah, he's a big boy!! Get that fatty some mud flaps for his ass!! Big old jiggly fatty butt!! [Cartman seems unfazed, so the doctor relents and sits down. Cartman continues texting, clears his throat, and resumes texting] ...Huh. Well, I just don't see it, Ms. Cartman. Your son doesn't seem to be triggered by anger at all. In fact, I'd say he's one of the more even-tempered children I've ever seen.
Receptionist: [opens the door and peeks in] Sorry Doctor, your wife's on the phone? Says it's an emergency. [leaves and closes the door]
Doctor: Excuse me. [leaves his chair and walks to his desk, where he picks up the phone] Carol, what? ...Whoa, calm down honey. What do you mean? Web chat with wha-? What 14-year-old girl? Carol, I would ne- [Cartman puts down the phone quietly. Liane simply notices, but stays quiet] No I don't have a criminal record. Who would- Who is Mitch Conner?! There can't be an official police report, honey, there's no- No no, Carol, put down the gun, swee- uh sweetie, come on, put down the ["blam."] Carol?! Carol!! [looks at Cartman]
Cartman: [coldly] I'm not fat. I'm big-boned.
Scene Description: South Park Elementary Library, evening. Principal Victoria has called a school meeting. Mr. Mackey is present.
Principal Victoria: Thank you for coming, parents. We called you in because we've had a little incident at the school. The fourth grade boys measured their penises and posted results in the school hallway.
Randy: Oh dear.
Principal Victoria: Now, we realize this issue can have a troubling effect that can get blown out of proportion.
Randy: Did they measure from the base or from the balls? [no one says a thing for six seconds]
Mrs. Stevens: How does the school let things like this happen??
Principal Victoria: Now now, boys' fascination with their genitalia is a natural thing. We... simply need to find a way to help the students understand what they've done.
Randy: [stands up and faces the other parents] I'm a scientist. I think it's best I handle this.
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, Fourth Grade Class. Mr. Garrison has given class time to Randy, who is reclining on Mr. Garrison's desk casually.
Randy: Hello students, my name is Dr. Marsh, and I'm gonna talk to you a little bit about what happened at the school yesterday. How do a man and a woman... make a baby? Anybody? A man and woman, what do they do to make a baby? How about the little girl in the brown coat? Yeah you.
Girl with Brown Coat: [first appearance on the show] They have sex?
Randy: Good! The man puts his penis [makes a fist with his left hand.] Okay? Into the woman's vagina. [pronounces the g with a heavy h sound and jabs his left arm through the air, through an imaginary vagina formed with his cupped right hand] Okay now, sometimes, a man can feel like how long his penis is, is actually important. But is it? When you boys measure your penis length, the truth is it doesn't really matter. What does matter is [starts writing the equation on the board: (L×d)+W/G)/(∠∝(2@t)] Length times diameter plus weight over girth divided by angle of the tip squared, okay? When we're talking about penis size, we can't just use a tape measure. We need a scale [pulls down the projector screen] and... [pulls something out of his back pocket] a protractor as well. [walks to a projector] Let's look at it on the graph here.. [wheels it into view and positions it right in front of the screen, then turns on the projector. A picture of a happy, naked man in profile appears on the screen. The length of his penis is 8 inches, the angle is 135 degrees] Follow along with me on your study sheets, kids.
Scene Description: A classroom. A sign is shown which reads "1. know why you are mad 2. know what makes you mad 3. know how to let go of anger". Cartman and the others in attendance are seated in a circle with their arms folded and looking angry
Doctor: I want to congratulate all of you for making the effort to come to anger management class.
Bodybuilder: We didn't make any effort, we didn't have a choice!
Tea Bag Participant: Yeah! This is bullshit!
Doctor: Together, we're gonna learn what makes us angry, okay? And how to better deal with it so we don't get ourselves into trouble anymore.
Michael: So lame! Why doesn't everyone just die?!
Tuong Lu Kim: Rook! Ifuh somebody ordereduh shitty beef, anduh complain because they say they ordereduh shitty shrimp, It's notuh my fault he gets the shitty chicken poured all over hisuh fucking head!
Tea Bag Participant: We have good reason to be angry! This country is going to shit! We have exactly twelve days before the oil is gone, and our president is a socialist who wasn't even born in America!
Doctor: Right. See, what we all need to do is chaaannel our various reasons for anger, and learn to control it.
Wigger: [stands up and grabs his crotch] Man, this shit wack, man. I just seen all this shit frontin' mahn. [drops into a wide leg stance] I don't understand, it like my pops ain't no fuckin' good mah. [makes a phone gesture with his other hand] Bitch be callin' me, tappin' that shit, man.
Cartman: Why the fuck am I here?!
Doctor: Well, Eric, because I know you want to... control your anger and become a better person.
Cartman: Are you saying I have problems like these fucking people?!
Doctor: [panics and drops his pen] NO! No! I'm not saying that, at all. Please I, I'm just saying how a-, amazing you are for wanting to... l-lessen some of your more... less awesome attributes.
Cartman: Oh, that's cool.
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, Fourth Grade Class. Randy continues his lecture.
Randy: And so, by dividing the weight and the girth of the penis by the angle or the- what do we call it again? The yaw? The yaw of the shaft? What we finally get is the adjusted penis size, or, T.M.I. Any questions so far? Yes, little girl over there.
Girl with Blue Vest: [first appearance on the show] What's a penis?
Randy: [six second later, after mulling what his answer would be] ...Ah, good question. Ahh, the penis is the thing we're talking about that boys have that we're... measuring. [now quickly] Okay any other questions? Okay, so then let's move on to the example on your study sheet. How about you? Could you read the first example for the class? [a girl is shown] Example 1, young lady. Please read the problem out loud
Riley: Example 1: Randy has a penis that is 4.4 inches in length.
Randy: [writes the number on the board] Four point four inches...
Riley: Its angle is 32 degrees. Its flaccid girth is one inch in diameter. His balls are seven centimeters from the base.
Randy: Seven centimeters...
Riley: Randy notes that the drift of his penis is four centimeters to penis right, and its dead weight is .5 kilograms.
Randy: Great! And so divide by the 17. carry the 1, and we can see that Randy's adjusted penis size, or T.M.I., is... 6.3 inches. Do we got that? Randy's length is 4.4 inches, but his adjusted length is 6.3. So how does our example person "Randy" compare to others on the T.M.I. scale? By referring again to the T.M.I. chart, we see that a T.M.I. of 6.3 is .8 inches more than the national average. [grins at the class]
Scene Description: Anger Management Class, later.
Doctor: Okay, what we're going to do now is get to the root of all your anger. Daniel, could you stand up please? [Daniel stands up with his arms still crossed.] What makes you the angriest, Daniel?
Daniel: [the Tea Bag participant] Stupid-ass blind liberals!
Doctor: Okay, great. Chase, could you stand up and pretend to be a stupid-ass blind liberal? [the bodybuilder stands up and walks up to Daniel] And what makes you angriest, Chase?
Chase: Scrawny-ass sissies!
Doctor: Okay, Daniel's a scrawny-ass sissy, he just cut in front of you in line at the bank. Go!
Chase: Hey! What, do you think I got a small dick?! Huh?! [strikes him on the chest]
Daniel: Huh I don't have a small penis! My wife thinks my penis is perfectly fine!
Doctor: [doesn't say anything for a few seconds] ...Okay. Uh, why don't we uh do some roleplaying now with Wayne D, who gets angriest at his mom. [Wayne D stands and moves to the center of the room] Gretchen, can you play Wayne D's mom for us? [Gretchen, a butch woman, stands up and walks to the middle of the room]
Wayne D: Yo, bitch! You think you bad? Just 'cause you're a mom don't mean I can't put a cap in your ass, bitch, mang!
Gretchen: I may be female on the outside, but I still have a bigger penis than you!
Wayne D: [begins to tear up and drops the gangsta act] I don't have a small penis! Don't say that, it isn't true! It isn't true!
Tuong Lu Kim: [stands up and yells in frustration] That's enough! I've beem sick of everyone talk aboutuh penis shize!
Daniel: [stands up and yells] Yeah, it doesn't matter! It doesn't matter!
Doctor: [if he wasn't sure before, he is now] Does... everyone here have an issue with their penis size?
Chase: No.
Gretchen: No.
Tuong Lu Kim: Not me.
Daniel: Nnnooo.
Wayne D: No, my, my shit be packing, manh.
Cartman: My penis is 13 inches long.
Doctor: Hmmm.
Scene Description: Mr. Garrison's room, day. The kids have another guest speaker
Guest Speaker: Kids, my name is Rebecca Turnod, and I'm an "actual doctor" of human sexuality and behavior. Unfortunately you have been taught some very wrong ideas in the past couple of days, and I am here to set things straight.
Wendy: Thank God.
Ms. Turnod: I want you to try and forget these wild theories and understand that all that's important when it comes to a man and a woman making love is actually [turns around, picks up some chalk and starts writing down the equation on the board: ((L×G)/(∠A°))÷(M/W)] Length times girth over angle of the shaft divided by mass over width- [the classroom door flies open and Randy is at the door, incensed]
Randy: Vou DAMN N MONTAIRE [runs up and attacks Ms. Turnod. She responds with a punch and a kick to the balls. They trade punches as the class looks on. Randy knocks her to the floor, gets on top of her, and keeps punching away]
Scene Description: Anger Management Class, a day or two later. Randy is now in there with the other seven members.
Doctor: We all want to welcome our new member, Randy. Say hi to everyone, Randy.
Randy: Aw, suck it! All o'ya!
Doctor: Now, we've all been trying to channel our anger in more constructive ways, Randy. Why don't you share what's bothering you?
Randy: You just don't go around changing math! Who the hell is this chick surgeon general appointed by Obama?!
Daniel: Goddamn right! Socialist fascist!
Randy: [has a lighter and tries to torch a chair with it] Power to the people! Burn it down! Burn it down!!
Doctor: Mr. Marsh, this is what we're here to try and work on, okay?
Randy: No dude, fuck you! We're burnin' this shit!
Doctor: If you take a minute to think about your anger, and give- [the chair lights up in flames] whoa! Whoawhoawhoa!
Randy: Yeeaahh!
Cartman: Yeah dude!
Wayne D: Man, that shit be burnin' an' shit, manh!
Gretchen: Yeeaahh!
Cartman: [takes his chair and swings it against a wall, where it shatters] Yeah!
Scene Description: The class begins to riot. Randy walks to some curtains and sets them on fire.
Randy: Yeeaahh! [the office is soon destroyed]
Scene Description: FedEx Office, day. A clerk and customer do business
Clerk: Welcome to FedEx. How can I help you today?
Customer: Yes, I've got some birthday presents I need shipped.
Clerk: Alrighty, let's see what kind of-
Randy: [runs in with the other anger-management class members] Burn it down! [the other members go forth destroying the store. Randy walks up to a huge poster and sets it on fire]
Cartman: Burn it down, dude! [Daniel demolishes boxes with a bat while Gretchen takes a pipe to other boxes. Michael holds a knife and kicks some boxes while Cartman takes a small hammer to a huge box. Wayne D fires away with a pistol while Chase fires away with a semi-automatic rifle and Tuong Lu Kim swings a Chinese cleaver around ]
Randy: [approaches the counter to set it on fire] Let's see how the American government likes it when we shut down their Federal Express! [Gretchen reappears to bash more stuff up]
Scene Description: A news report. The media got wind of the riot
Field Reporter: Tom, I'm standing outside the FedEx in Fairplay, Colorado, where a radical political group has taken several people hostage. They call themselves the pissed-off and angry party. And they allowed me to speak with them moments ago.
Scene Description: Recorded earlier. The FedEx staff and customers are huddled on the ground while Cartman and the others stand near them with their weapons drawn.
Randy: [holding the clerk hostage] This is a call to all angry people! We've had enough! We're gonna hit the government where it hurts! Right in the Federal Express!
Field Reporter: What exactly are you angry about?
Randy: We're angry about this stupid liberal government and fascist lies, media- control, and the-
Cartman: The Jews!
Randy: Yeah, Jews! And all this stuff that the government's doing!
Field Reporter: You've got a lot of people scared. What are your demands?
Randy: Well first of all, we want that surgeon general to step down!
Chase: Yeeaahh!
Randy: And we want-
Daniel: [runs into view] And we want to see Obama's REAL birth certificate! [walks offscreen]
Randy: Yeah, we want to see Obama's REAL birth certificate! And um,
Wayne D: [enters from the other side] And my mom gotta stop trippin', manh. [grabs his crotch] Bitch be trippin' all the time, manh. [walks offscreen]
Randy: Yeah, we want our moms to stop trippin', man! 'Cause the bitches be trippin' all the time! And I think that- uhh, [looks back at the other members.] is that it?
Cartman: No, and fuck Kyle!
Randy: Oh yeah, and fuck Kyle! Surgeon general's resignation, Obama's real birth certificate, moms to stop trippin', and fuck Kyle! You got that?! Or else we're gonna bring the Federal Express to a grinding halt!
Field Reporter: Does it bother you that the Federal Express is not affiliated at all with the Federal Government?
Randy: No. No, that doesn't matter! [releases the clerk and turns to look at the other members] Fuck, really?!
Scene Description: Butters' house, day. Butters is measuring his penis again and again and putting down his measurements on a sheet of paper on a small table next to him
Linda: Butters, what are you doing?
Butters: Homework! I just don't get it! That is the fourth time I've calculated, and it's below average! I thought I was hung, but according to my T.M.I., I have a micropenis! [throws down his pencil and notepad in disgust]
Linda: Your T.M.I.?
Butters: I don't understand it! An' I'm startin'- uhh, I'm starting to feel angry! Rawr! [kicks his bed]
Linda: Butters, put your clothes on.
Butters: [begins to vent, pacing back and forth] Oh what's the point, Mom?! What's the point of life anyway?! All you do is yell at me! And the government... wuh, which is led by fascists, and everyone's a Justin Bieber wannabe. I wanna go and drive a Hummer, that's what I wanna do! I wanna drive a car that goes, that goes rawr rawr rawrawrawr!
Linda: Butters, what does driving a car have to do with your penis being small? [outside, some car rev by. Linda and Butters go to his window to look]
Driver 1: [in an SUV on monster wheels] Hey, everyone who's pissed off and angry is rallying to take down America! Join the fight! [peels off]
Driver 2: [in a little red Corvette] We're gonna take down the Federal Expresses, the American Apparels, and the American Furniture Warehouse! [peels off]
Driver 3: [in a massive truck] We're fed up and we've had enough! [peels off]
Scene Description: The surgeon general's office, day. The surgeon general is there surrounded by her staff.
Aide 1: Surgeon general, twelve more FedExes have been taken over; the Pissed Off and Angry Party is gaining more support!
Aide 2: They've shut down American Airlines and American Apparels all over the country. We have to ask you to step down.
Rebecca Turnod: Are you seriously saying we're going to give in to their demands?
Aide 2: They're all really angry. We have to make them stop. Is the team standing by to fuck that little boy Kyle?
Aide 3: Team is standing by, sir.
Doctor: [charges in] 'Scuse me. Excuse me, let me through.
Rebecca Turnod: Who is this?
Doctor: [approaches the surgeon general's desk] Surgeon general, I believe I know why this is happening. I have found a direct correlation between the anger, and T.M.I. [goes to a whiteboard and beings writing out the equation: Anger equals (L×W)/(M^2-∠)+YAW ] Anger equals length times width over mass squared minus angle of the shaft plus yaw. [finishes and looks at the surgeon general] Look, we all get angry, but when someone is consistently angry or always finding new reasons to be angry, it means they have a very very very very small dick.
Rebecca Turnod: Your theory is fine, doctor, but it doesn't matter. The T.M.I. equation is true solid science, which cannot be changed. There's nothing we can do about it.
Doctor: Isn't there? Isn't... there?
Scene Description: The FedEx in Fairplay, thoroughly destroyed, day.
Daniel: We've waited long enough, Randy! Let's start killin' these sons of bitches!
Woman: No, please!
Cartman: Yeah, dude, they aren't gonna give us what we want!
Wayne D: Yo let's cap these bitches, manh! Let's cap an leave em at the back of the building, manh!
Michael: [watching a working TV, turns around and calls the other members] Hey, come over here. Look. [turns to watch TV again as the others arrive]
Announcer: We interrupt this newscast for an important message from the surgeon general.
Rebecca Turnod: Fellow Americans, as you all know, the T.M.I. scale was implemented long ago to assure that each and every American could accurately measure their junk. The established equation is a hundred percent accurate.
Randy: Rrrr!
Daniel: Shhh.
Rebecca Turnod: However, due to recently collected data, we are making one change. [the T.M.I. scale is shown] The national average for penis length is now officially moved, from 6 inches to 1.5 inches. [the lower regions of the chart shrink and the NICE region takes up the slack] Anyone with a T.M.I. of over 1.5 inches is considered "above average". [she puts her stamp of approval to it]
Randy: [takes a step back. Everyone has a smile on their face now, except for Cartman. An electric organ begins to play in the background]. The winds of change are blowin'. There's excitement in the air. Can you feel it? It's electric and magical. The happy train's on track. 'Cause America is BACK! Woohoo! Come on! [the group throw their weapons aside and dance in celebration as they run to the exit. Cartman stands alone.]
Cartman: Wait, what?
Scene Description: FedEx, exterior. Randy pushes the FedEx door open and leads the group outside in a dance. A few police officers run up with smiles on their faces and join them.
Randy: America is back! America is back!
Cartman: [runs outside and tries to get their attention] Wait! According to that scale, I still have a small wiener!
Randy: We're back, we're back, we're back back back! America is back!
Cartman: I'm still fucking angry!
Randy: Back and we're back and we're back! We're so back, we're so back back back back back back!