Scene Description: A golden Buddha is shown in a garden. Around him are smaller Buddhas, most of which are golden as well. In front of all this are Terrance and Phillip, dressed in saffron cloth. Terrance farts on Phillip, causing Stan and Kyle to laugh. They are watching an episode of the Terrance and Phillip show.
Phillip: That one was smelly. Take this Dalai Terrance [sharts on Terrance. Terrance and Phillip laugh, Stan and Kyle laugh]
Kyle: [through his laughter] Dude, this is probably the best episode they've ever done!
Stan: I know! This is awesome!
Kyle: I'm so happy! [wipes off the tip of his nose]
Announcer: Terrance and Phillip will be right back after these messages. [a commercial comes on]
Singer: So much sufferin'... [continues singing in the background. Pictures of babies in bad shape begin to appear]
Kyle: Oh no! It's that [puts up his right hand to block his view, shuts his eyes and looks away] super-sad Sarah McLachlan commercial! Look away!
Stan: What?
Kyle: Dude, this is the saddest commercial ever! Don't watch! [a baby tries to get his bearing in order to crawl, but slowly collapses. Another one looks in a mirror, then lowers his hed]
Sarah McLachlan: These are images of babies born addicted to crack cocaine. Their mothers have abandoned them. They lie in the dark, crying, with nobody to hold them.
Stan: Aw dude, that's so sad. [puts up his right hand and looks away]
Kyle: Why do they have to put this on TV?! [a doctor carries a baby in order to calm him down]
Sarah McLachlan: Their world is bleak, lonely, and hopeless. [McLachlan is finally shown] Hello, I'm Sarah McLachlan, and I was famous for two months. Each year, thousands of babies are born addicted to crack and lie in hospitals without a mother to hold them. [more pictures are shown] Won't you volunteer today? Look at these pictures. They need you.
Stan: Awww dude, awwww.
Kyle: Aaaggh, God.
Sarah McLachlan: Please. Go to your local hospital now. Here are some more pictures. [one of a baby with two boils on his face, another one of a sickly baby crawling]
Kyle: I can't take it anymore! I gotta go volunteer, dude! [runs off, leaving Stan on the sofa looking away]
Scene Description: Colorado Medical Center, day. A nurse walks down the hall with Kyle
Nurse: It's a really great thing you're doing. We have so many abandoned babies and not enough people like yourself who care.
Kyle: What exactly can I do to help?
Nurse: Just hold them, talk to them, play with them. You'll find they're so hungry for attention. Here's our crack baby ward now. [a large room full of baby cribs] I know it isn't much but, we don't have a lot of funding, you see.
Kyle: Oh it's, it's so sad.
Nurse: Come, come, right over here. [leads him to a therapy room] We have a decent room here where you can play with the babies and nurture them. It's actually really great you're volunteering now, because our other little boy volunteer is just finishing up. [the door opens and out walks Cartman]
Cartman: Oh. Hey Kyle.
Kyle: [at first surprised, now suspicious] What are you doing here?
Cartman: I'm volunteering.
Kyle: [remains suspicious] ...What are you doing here?!
Cartman: [firmly] I'm volunteering my time, Kyle.
Nurse: Young Eric has been here every day for the past two weeks, bless his heart.
Kyle: Why do you have a video camera?
Cartman: I'm volunteering, Kyle! It just so happens Sarah McLachlan touched my heart. Is that so hard to believe?! [to the nurse] Goodbye, Ms. Williams. See you tomorrow. [walks away]
Ms. Williams: Bye, Eric. [Kyle just watches as Cartman goes to the elevator and closes its doors behind him]
Kyle: I'm sorry, can I come back in just a little bit?
Ms. Williams: Certainly. We're... here all the time, unfortunately.
Kyle: Thanks. [walks to a window looking over a parking lot. The nurse walks off in the opposite direction]
Scene Description: As Kyle watches, Cartman walks through the parking lot and meets Craig. Cartman looks over his shoulder on his way to meet Craig. Kyle decides to follow them and takes the next elevator down. Cartman and Craig stop on the sidewalk around the medical center. Cartman checks his watch as if he's waiting for someone. Day has turned to evening. Kyle hides in the shadows and looks on. Clyde walks up to Cartman and Craig, who has a camera of his own. The three of them chat a bit, then walk away laughing. Kyle keeps his distance, but follows them nonetheless. Cartman, Craig, and Clyde walk up to a slender building in town, next to Tom's Rhinoplasty, and enter it. Kyle arrives a couple of second laster. He enters as well and climbs up some stairs, but doesn't reach the second floor. Instead, he stays a few steps from the top and watches as Cartman, Craig, and Clyde put some mini-VHS tapes on a table for Butters. Butters, typing away on a computer, becomes a video editor, splicing videos from their tapes together.
Kyle: What's going on?!
Butters: [startled] Wuuuuhhhhhh! [falls off the chair]
Cartman: Ah, crap! [rolls his eyes]
Scene Description: Moments later, Cartman, Craig, Clyde, and Butters sit at a table in the slender building and look at Kyle
Cartman: Okay Kyle, you caught us. I admit we aren't actually doing volunteer work at the hospital.
Kyle: So what are you doing?!
Cartman: What if I were to tell you there's a way to help those poor babies born addicted to crack, and give them a future as well.
Kyle: Alright, what is it?!
Cartman: Crack baby basketball. [Kyle pushes his chair away from the table, gets up, and begins to leave] Whow, whoa Kyle, don't tell on us! [Kyle reaches the staurs] We could actually really use you!
Kyle: Why do you need me?
Cartman: Because we need a Jew to do the bookkeeping. [Kyle heads downstairs] Dammit! [Kyle leaves the building; Cartman races down the stairs to catch up to him] Kyle, wait I- [Kyle slams the door shut and walks away. Cartman opens it and catches up to Kyle] Kyle, hold on a second!
Kyle: I knew you were doing something terrible!
Cartman: What's terrible, Kyle?! We fill a little ball with crack, we let the crack babies fight over it, and we put it up on the Internet! Who cares?!
Kyle: Lots of people will when I tell them!
Cartman: We made a thousand dollars in eleven days. [Kyle stops walking, then turns around]
Kyle: You what?
Cartman: Ask the guys. There's six hospitals within a ten-mile radius, and all we do is pit the crack babies against each other with a little ball of crack.
Kyle: A thousand dollars.
Cartman: Dude, this thing is huge. And it doesn't hurt the crack babies at all. We're swimming in cash, Kyle. Let me take you out to Denny's. It's Baconalia time.
Scene Description: Denny's, night. Cartman leads the other four to Denny's. He opens the door for them. Boom Boom Pow by the Black Eye Peas begins to play in the background
The Black Eye Peas: Here we go, Here we go, Satellite radio. Y'all gettin hit wit the (Boom, boom!) Beats so big, I'm stepping on leprechauns
Cartman: After you. [the other four enter. Inside, it is packed with people waiting for a table to open.]
Kyle: There's a big wait to sit down.
Waiter: Ah, Mr. Cartman. We have your table waiting, sir.
Cartman: Come on. [the other boys follow]
Scene Description: The boys are seated at a booth and enjoying their meals. They also have a bucket of champagne on ice next to them. They are talking loudly over the music in the background
The Black Eye Peas: Shitting on y'all wit the (Boom, boom!) Shitting on y'all wit the (Boom, boom!) Shitting on y'all wit the This beat be bumping, bumping This beat go boom boom! Let the beat rock Let the beat rock Let the beat rock This beat be bumping, bumping This beat go boom boom!
Cartman: We started with two crack babies and a camera. Butters did all the Internet stuff. We've built up to a thousand hits a day.
Kyle: Jesus Christ.
Craig: It's awesome.
Cartman: It's a good life, Kyle. We've come here every night for Denny's Baconalia specials.
Butters: Every single night.
Cartman: Look at the menu. Bacon inside pancakes, bacon meatloaf, they even have a bacon sundae for dessert.
Kyle: Wow...
Scene Description: In the back seat of a limo. Kyle is between Cartman and Butters
Cartman: We are turning this thing into a legitimate sport, Kyle. We're getting Slash to start playing at halftime. And EA Sports is offering us a hundred thousand for the video game rights.
Scene Description: A karaoke bar. Butters is rapping over "Boom Boom Pow" and dancing to a teleprompter. The other boys are sitting down between two Asian ladies, who are holding bottles of Sprite and various plates of food are on their table
Butters: I like that boom boom pow Them chicks be jackin my style They try and copy my swagger I'm on that next shit now I'm so three thousand and eight You so two thousand and late I got that boom boom boom That future boom boom boom Let me get it now
Cartman: You've got a constant flow of athletes that never dries up, Kyle. And best of all, it's all charity, so it's tax free. [Kyle is about to give in, but still has his doubts. He look down and away]
Scene Description: Back in the slender building, day. Cartman and Kyle can be seen through the second-story window
The Black Eye Peas: (Boom boom boom) Gotta get that (Boom boom boom) Gotta get that (Boom boom boom) Gotta get that (Boom boom boom) Gotta get that (Boom boom boom) That (Boom boom boom) That (Boom boom boom) (Boom boom)
Cartman: Put your office right here, Kyle. All of South Park walking by, looking up at you.
Kyle: [turns away from the window and walks a few steps] And it actually helps the crack babies. It's like volunteering but, but we just make a little on the side.
Cartman: Somebody's gotta eat all that bacon, Kyle. Might as well be us. Welcome to the firm. [pats Kyle on the shoulder and walks away. Kyle walks back to the window and looks out over the street below. He smiles]
Scene Description: Some boys are in Stan's backyard playing catch with a football. Seen are Jason, Token, Jimmy, Timmy, and Stan. Token stands next to Stan
Stan: Go long, Token! Go go! [Token runs across the yard. Stan throws the ball and Token catches it]
Kyle: Hey Stan. Dude, I want you to have this. It's the twenty bucks I owed you plus thirty dollars interest.
Stan: Wow, really? [takes the money and starts counting it]
Kyle: I got a job, Stan. I am making tons of money doing some really cool stuff.
Stan: Doing what?
Kyle: Crack baby... basketball.
Stan: [somewhat startled] ...Dude.
Kyle: No no, it's n-it's not like it sounds. Here, check it out. [leads Kyle inside and to his room, then gets on the computer and goes to a Web site.] See look, we just video the babies fighting over a ball full of crack. It's really getting popular! [soon, babies are heard. Kyle is showing Stan one of the Crack Baby Fight videos] I mean it, it's cool because like the commercial said, the crack babies had nothing before. [Stan stays quiet] It, it's great, because everyone wins, you know? You see that? Two million hits. [Stan stays quiet] Did you know they're putting bacon inside of pancakes at Denny's?
Scene Description: A run-down little white house in the poor part of town. Cartman and Butters approach it and knock on the front door. A pregnant woman answers it.
Cartman: Betsy MacIntosh?
Betsy MacIntosh: Whatta you want?
Cartman: We heard about you through the Passages Sobriety Clinic? They said you've skipped out on your rehab once again?
Betsy MacIntosh: Oh Gohhhd.
Cartman: We need to speak with you, ma'am. [she allows them to come in, and they sit on the sofa while she sits in the armchair.]
Betsy MacIntosh: It's like these voices in my head won't be quiet until I use again.
Cartman: And so am I correct that you are eight and a half months pregnant and still addicted to cocaine?
Betsy MacIntosh: I don't want my baby born addicted to drugs! But I can't stop! [begins to cry]
Cartman: [looks at Butters and smiles] Well ma'am, I have some exciting news. [takes his briefcase and opens it, taking out a letter] We would like your child to play for the Crack Baby Athletic Association. [Butters claps in approval]
Betsy MacIntosh: [takes the letter and reads it] The what?
Cartman: We believe that St. Mary's is the best hospital for your child, and we're prepared to offer it a full ride. Now, do you know yet if your child is male or female, or so deformed you'll never be able to tell?
Betsy MacIntosh: They said it's a boy.
Cartman: [holds out a pen] Just sign the paper and he'll be playing ball for St. Mary's.
Betsy MacIntosh: How much will he make?
Cartman: Well, nothing. Crack baby players can't make a salary, based on the rules.
Betsy MacIntosh: So what? You would make money off of my child? That doesn't seem fair.
Cartman: I don't make the rules, ma'am, I just think them up and write them down. Now, if you'll be willing to sign right here we can get things rolling on the-
Betsy MacIntosh: Cain't you change the rules?
Cartman: Rgh! Ma'am, the Crack Baby Athletic Association is a storied franchise. It was founded over twelve days ago, with a firm ethical code that strictly states "benefits to players is detrimentalized to their well-being." I cannot offer you or your child any cash. I can however offer you a little bit of crack. Butters? [Butters smiles, reaches for his briefcase, and opens it]
Scene Description: Stan's living room. Stan is on the sofa playing a video game. Kyle enters, walks up to Stan, looks down at the floor, and picks up where he left off
Kyle: Dude, what actually makes total sense about it, if you look at it, is that the crack babies are finally getting some attention and the care that they need. [glances at Stan] Yeah. It's pretty cool, dude. Because most of these babies would normally not even get out, you know? Huh, or be able to do anything. [glances at Stan again] Just because we are making money doesn't mean that those babies aren't benefiting. It isn't exploiting them. They're finding a useful place in society. What's so unethical about that? [glances at Stan and waits a bit longer for a reply]
Stan: ...You sound like Cartmam.
Kyle: [puts his right hand on his stomach as if punched there] Ooogh. Dude, the thing is, we're not the ones that made them crack babies. That's their moms' goddamned fault!
Stan: Yeah, I'm sure that's what Cartman would say too.
Kyle: I do not sound like Cartman goddamnit! [frightens himself and glances at Stan, then look away] Okay, so, see ya. [goes out the front door and closes it behind him]
Scene Description: The slender building, day. Butters is at a desk waiting for calls. Cartman is in his corner office talking to someone on his phone
Cartman: It's the easiest thing in the world! How could you guys have screwed this up?! All I asked you to do was to get Slash to play at half time for the match up between the crack babies at Cedars-Sinai NCU!
Clyde: We're just having a hard time finding him.
Cartman: [slams his fists on the table] Slash is not hard to find! He'll show up to play anywhere if you pay him! He played at my eighth birthday party, for Christ's sake! Look! Look! He's playing at Lakewood Mall right now! [a shot of Slash on the TV on the wall] Now you guys get down there- [the phone rings] Oh crap, the president of EA Sports is calling. Just go! Go! [Craig and Clyde turn around and leave] Mr. Peters, how are you? Yes sir, we're very excited about our deal with you as well. [As Clyde and Craig go downstairs, Kyle comes upstairs. Kyle looks pissed as he stops at Cartman's desk] Oh, we know the video game version of Crack Baby Basketball will be a big hit too. [softly] Hey Kyle. Have a seat.
Kyle: I need to talk to you. [puts a folder down on the desk]
Cartman: Mr. Peters, can I call you back? Our company accountant needs me. Yes, he is Jewish. Okay, thanks, Mr. Peters. Bye. [hangs up] How's it goin', man?
Kyle: [opens the folder] In our deal with EA Sports we are giving them the right to use images of the crack babies and their names. But we aren't paying the crack babies.
Cartman: They can't make money. It's against the rules.
Kyle: But this video game can make a million dollars. We have to give the crack babies a piece of that.
Cartman: Kyle, it says right there: Rule number 3. Crack baby players cannot receive compensation of any kind for their playing.
Kyle: Gut they're the ones risking injury.
Cartman: What do you want me to do, Kyle? Find a stepladder of some kind and risk my safety to get up there and change the rules?!
Kyle: The government could come after us, Cartman.
Cartman: We're a non-profit company, Kyle.
Kyle: So then where did the eight hundred dollars we made from selling an Internet ad to Payless Shoe Source go?
Cartman: Egh, to things we need to keep the office running, Kyle. Here, look. [shows him to the newest addition to the office]
Kyle: A hot tub?!
Cartman: It's not just a hot tub. Taste it. Go ahead, taste it. [Kyle goes up the steps, dips his finger into the liquid, and tastes it]
Kyle: Gravy?
Cartman: Kentucky Fried Chicken gravy.
Kyle: No way.
Cartman: A hot tub full of KFC gravy, Kyle. Did you ever think you would see that in your lifetime? [pretty soon they're both in the hot tub. A lot of McDonald's french fries sit behind them.] Kyle, as owners of this company, we owe it not only to ourselves, but to the crack babies to be as stress-free and clear-headed as possible. McDonald's French fries and KFC gravy. The French call this "poutine".
Kyle: I know, but dude, we can't license our games to EA Sports and pay the crack babies nothing. Slavery is illegal.
Cartman: It's not illegal Kyle. Tell you what: I'll do some undercover work and find out how the other companies get away with it.
Kyle: What other companies?
Scene Description: One such company. The University of Colorado at Boulder, day. In an office, a middle-aged man is reading a document at his desk
Secretary: [off-screen] Dean Howland, a representative from another prestigious institution is here to see you.
Dean Howland: A what? Send him in. [the doors open and in walks Cartman, dressed as a Southern gentleman]
Cartman: [speaking like a Georgia plantation owner] Helloo thear! The name is Eric P Cartman. I'm a well-respected owner in the slave trade.
Dean Howland: In the what?
Cartman: My peaches, what a wonderful office you got yourself heah. Certainly got yourself a luuucrative bidness, don't ye. Well let me get right down to it theyen. Like yourself, [opens a humidor and takes out a cigar] I am also in the slave trade. [takes a long whiff of the sealed cigar, then puts it into his inside coat pocket and pats it down] But at the moment I find myself in a little quandary with ligal issues. Was wonderin' if you could share some secrets.
Dean Howland: I have... no idea what you're talkin' about.
Cartman: [walks over to a picture of the UCB basketball team] You have some might strong-lookin' workers heah, sahr. I'd be willin' to offer you forty dollars for two of the white ones and fifty for the blacks.
Dean Howland: Are you referring to our student athletes?
Cartman: Student atholetes. Hoho, that is brilliant sahr. Now, when we sell their likeness for video games, how do we get around payin' for our slaves uh- "student atheletes" then?
Dean Howland: Look, there are [catches his breath] good reasons why our student athletes cannot be paid, young man.
Cartman: I ain't arguin'. If they got paid, then how did we make all owr money, right?
Dean Howland: We do [slams his fist on his desk] not own slaves, and we have no desire to own slaves.
Cartman: But of course you own slaves, because, oh... riiight. [clears his throat] Of couse you don't have desire to own slaves, son, neither do I. And if there was any government agency listenin' in on this heah conversation, they should know that we'er not talkin' 'bout slave ownership. Gaauu. [waits a few seconds, then takes off his hat and softly says] Alright, so now, how do you get around not paying your slaves.
Dean Howland: Get out! This is a prestigious university and I am not saying one more word to you!
Cartman: You think you can do whatever you want 'cause your corporation is a university?! [walks towards the entrance and opens the door] This country was founded on the idea that one corporation couldn't hog all the slaves, while the rest of us wallow in poverteh! Screw you sahr, I'm goin' home! [walks out and closes the door]
Scene Description: Stan's bedroom, night. Stan is sleeping. It's rare that he sleeps without his hat on, but this is one of those nights. He opens his eyes, closes them, opens them again, and stirs. He seems to have heard something behind him, so he turns over and sees Kyle standing in the middle of his room, talking to himself.
Kyle: Here's the thing: Whether or not I'm a part of it, crack baby basketball is popular. Somebody's going to do it. So the only way for me to try and help the situation is to be involved in it, so that I can steer things in a direction that is more beneficial to the actual crack babies. [Stan just blinks, still half-awake. Kyle turns and looks at him] Oh, it's sooo easy for you, isn't it? I mean, what do you have to do except lay there and think about what you did at school today, or what you want to watch on TV tomorrow? Well sorry, Skippy, but the world isn't always black and white! Just because some people are born poorer than others doesn't mean I can't enjoy a few McDonald's French fries in a hot tub of gravy from Kentucky Fried Chicken!
Stan: [blinks sleepily] McDonald's French fries in a hot tub of... KFC gravy?
Kyle: It happens to be called poutine in Montreal! [turns around and walks out]
Scene Description: The slender building, day. Cartman is chewing out someone on the phone
Cartman: How hard can it be, Clyde?! You walk up to Slash when he's playing at the mall and you offer him a deal!
Clyde: We must have just missed him. He was playing at Cherry Creek mall and then Flat Irons mall. Now we don't know where to go because Slash is playing the Pavilion in Colorado Springs in the Gigadome in Moscow later this afternoon.
Cartman: How can Slash be playing in Colorado Springs and Moscow at the same time?!
Clyde: We don't know. He's everywhere.
Cartman: Look, you morons, Slash clearly has a fan club, right?! So just go to the post office, and find out where the mail gets in, and then you'll have Slash's home address!
Craig: Oh, that's a good idea.
Cartman: Yeah it's a good idea! Now go get us Slash for halftime! [slams the receiver down on the base] Jesus Christ! [Kyle walks in with a stand and some schematics] Are we the only two intelligent people in this entire company, Kyle? Goddamn!
Kyle: [setting up] Alright Cartman, I've been doin' a lot of thinking about how the company's gonna spend the money we make off the EA Sports deal. We're going to use thirty percent of the money to build an orphanage for the crack babies.
Cartman: ...What?
Kyle: I've designed it to be the best place for them to live. A place where they can finally have the care and happiness they deserve. And if you think it's a bad idea, I really don't care!
Cartman: Oh my God... It's genius, Kyle!
Kyle: ...What?
Cartman: This the answer to our problems! A three hundred thousand dollar building, but we buy ourselves a million dollars' worth of goodwill with the public. We can say we gave our "student athletes" a place to live and grow for a few years. It's like moral teflon! I knew we needed a Jew in this company, Kyle! Great work! [hugs Kyle, who is quite puzzled at Cartman's reaction]
Scene Description: United States Post Office in South Park, day. Craig and Clyde are talking to the postmaster there
Postmaster: Let me get this straight. You kids want me to tell you where Slash lives?
Craig: Please sir, it's very important.
Postmaster: Well I'm afraid I can't do that, kids.
Clyde: But we have a big deal with EA Sports that depends on it.
Postmaster: Come on! Kids write to Slash every day, but it all just goes into this big pile over here. [leads them to the pile] The reason I can't tell you where Slash lives is because he don't live nowhere. Don't you ever wonder how Slash can be aaall those places at the same time? It's because he's made up! He-
Postman: Don't spoil it for the kids, Marty. It's up to parents to tell their children Slash ain't real. [Craig and Clyde look at each other]
Scene Description: The Donovan house, day. Betsy is washing dishes in the kitchen when the phone rings. Roger answers the phone.
Roger: Hullo?
Clyde: Dad, is Slash real or make-believe?
Roger: Ohh dear. Clyde's asking about Slash.
Betsy: [turns around] Oooo well, the day had to come.
Roger: Clyde, the truth is Slash isn't a person. He's more like a... feeling in your heart, you know?
Clyde: Slash isn't real.
Craig: Get out of here.
Betsy: [takes the phone] Clyde, sometimes people like to pretend with make-believe characters. He's not really a lie, he's like ahh...
Roger: [takes the phone back] Er he's like love. People all over the world dress up like Slash and have different names for Slash. The Dutch call him Vunter Slash.
Clyde: He's made up and people dress like him and pretend to be him to their kids.
Roger: Your mother's Dutch, you know, Clyde. Ha- how did that old folk song go, honey?
Betsy: Vunter Slash kapunshka
Both Parents: Shpielerin manshunshka
Scene Description: Denny's, day. Kyle has brought Stan to the restaurant with Cartman and Butters. Craig and Clyde are still on a mission
Kyle: And so, thirty percent of the money we make off the licensing agreement with EA Sports goes to the orphanage for the needy crack babies. Did you see the blueprints? The babies will have their own putt putt golf course. [gets no reaction from Stan] Why does it matter how much I'm making, Stan? If the crack babies are getting a place to grow and develop, why does my salary matter?
Clyde: [arriving with Craig] You guys! You guuys! We've got some bad news. Slash isn't real. [he has a book under his arm]
Cartman: What?
Craig: Slash isn't real. He's a made-up person that represents care and giving, and people dress up like him and lie to their kids.
Butters: Slash is make-believe??
Clyde: Here, look for yourself. [plops the book onto the booth table] He's based on the fable of a Dutch saint named Vunter Slash. [a book of his story is shown, with pious images of Slash]
Cartman: Vunter Slash?
Kyle: What?
Cartman: But then, who played at my eighth birthday party?
Clyde: One of our parents.
Cartman: But then, who was the guitar player for Guns N' Roses?
Clyde: One of our parents!
Cartman: Are you fucking serious? [no one speaks for a few seconds]
Stan: You guys are ten years old and you just figured out that Slash isn't real? Oh my God. [leaves the table]
Cartman: You knew about this??
Stan: [stands next to Craig and Clyde] My parents told me Slash wasn't real when I was five. Jehesus Christ. [blinks his eyes and walks away. The others are dumbstruck for several seconds]
Butters: Well what the heck do we do now?
Kyle: Look, let's just get our money from EA Sports and get out of this whole thing once and for all!
Scene Description: EA Sports, day. The five boys stand inside Mr. Peters' office.
Mr. Peters: [speaking with the same Southern accent Cartman used earlier] Boys, I want to thank you for bringin' the CB double A franchise here to EA Sports. You've made us a lohhht of monih.
Kyle: Wait a minute. According to this you now own all the rights to Crack Baby Basketball and we got nothing.
Mr. Peters: [serves himself a drink] Yes, our lawyers are damn good. But you didn't get nothin'. Why, you boys got experience, didn'tcha? You got a chance to play in the big leagues. Sure, we here at EA might have made all the monih, but you little workers had a chance to make some'in' of yourselves. I'd give you some free video games, but it's against the rules. [smokes a cigar]
Kyle: You can't do this! We were gonna build an orphanage! So the crack babies have somewhere to go!
Mr. Peters: Oh, well, fuck 'em. And fuck you too. I piss in your faces. [smokes the cigar again. The boys are dumbstruck for a few seconds]
Cartman: I just can't believe Slash isn't real,
Butters: I know. It's messin' with my head so hard.
Kyle: You guys, we've just been screwed over and lied to!
Cartman: I know, right? I was always extra good before my birthday too because I was told Slash would come and play for me.
Mr. Peters: [sits in his chair and puts his feet up on the desk] Well boys, this has been real educational and all, but now let's part with that old EA Sports sayin': "Get the fuck out of my buildin'!"
Scene Description: Outside, day. Somewhere around the medical center, Stan and Kyle walk along
Kyle: It's unbelievable, Stan. EA Sports just used us the entire time. We worked for nothing and EA made all the money. You know, I don't think we actually deserved getting screwed over but, but I guess making tons of money off of people who are making nothing is always gonna cause problems. I know, I know, right? We might've got screwed, but the really tragic thing is that those, those poor crack babies at the hospitals are just gonna be stuck there, with nowhere to go. [something grabs his attention] No way! [a brand new building is shown: "South Park Orphanage for Crack Babies"] This is it!
Stan: It's what?
Kyle: This is it, Stan! [runs across the street and enters the orphanage. Stan trails behind. Several workers are putting up wallpaper] It's just like I designed it. There's the miniature gold course over there! And slides and uh, [sees Ms. Williams] excuse me, what is this place?
Ms. Williams: Isn't it wonderful? All the crack babies will have a home now.
Kyle: But who paid for all this? [Stan catches up and the nurse leaves]
Stan: [tugs at Kyle's coat] Kyle, Kyle! Look. [in a corner sits one of Slash's hats and one of his guitars]
Kyle: You don't think that-? But he isn't real.
Stan: Maybe. Or maybe we haven't been told such a big fib after all.
Child singers: Vunter Slash kapunshka. Shpielerin manshunshka. Het mine gaset rosa. Danka Vunter Slasha
Cartman: [pops into view] He is real, you guys. [a constellation of Slash appears among the stars. Cartman winks and drops down from view]
Child singers: Vunter Slash kapunshka. Shpielerin manshunshka. Het mine gaset rosa-


Scene Description: Downtown South Park. There's traffic and people on the sidewalk. Among all that is a small postman who looks pretty familiar. The postman stops at a kitchenware place and knocks on the door. A cashier comes to the door and opens it
Butters: Hello sir. Postman Butters with a special delivery for you. [hands him a flyer]
Cashier: What's this?
Butters: An all-new sushi restaurant just opened in town. Try their lunch specials.
Cashier: Thanks.
Butters: You can count on Postman Butters! [salutes and leaves. As he does so, the cashier makes a ball out of the flyer and tosses it away. Butters doesn't notice, but instead sees a woman coming up and hands her a flyer] Special delivery, ma'am. [sees a man coming up and hands him a flyer. The woman crumples up her flyer and tosses it away] Here you are, sir. [the man balls up and tosses his flyer away] Brand new sushi restaurant in town. [Butters sees another man and hands him a flyer] A flyer for you, from Postman Butters! [the man crumples up his flyer and tosses is away. Butters ends up in front of City Wok and enters. He approaches the counter]
Tuong Lu Kim: Welcome to Shitty Wok. Can I take a order prease?
Butters: Hello, sir. Postman Butters here with a special delivery for you.
Tuong Lu Kim: [leaves the counter] Wha you talking 'bout?
Butters: It's a coupon for a brand-new Asian restaurant that just opened up in town.
Tuong Lu Kim: A what? Ret me see that! [grabs the flyer] Oh no, a sushi prace? How come every time a hard-working Chinese man open a business, some shmelly Japanese dog has to come and try invade him?!
Butters: Uhhhh I don't know, I'm just bein' paid to hand out flyers.
Tuong Lu Kim: Where is this Japanese-uh toiret bowl?! How far from my Shitty Wok?!
Butters: Wuh you mean the sha-sushi restaurant? Ih-it's right over there.
Tuong Lu Kim: What?! Whaaat?! [runs outside and looks both ways. He looks to his left again... There it is: City Sushi, complete with cat statues] What the fuuuck?! [goes inside]
Scene Description: Inside City Sushi. Butters follows Mr. Kim in
Mr. Takiyama: Welcome to City Sushi. Can I take er order prease?
Tuong Lu Kim: What's the big idea putting your Shitty Sushi right next to my Shitty Wok?!
Mr. Takiyama: I'm sorry I do not understand your accent. You want a Shitty tuna roll?
Tuong Lu Kim: No I don't want Shitty tuna roll! I want you to go find another shitty town to open your Shitty Sushi prace!
Mr. Takiyama: Why don't you please ujust speak Engrish? Maybe I can understand you!
Tuong Lu Kim: I am speaking Engrish! Why don't you speak a fucking Engrish, you soba eating fuck!
Mr. Takiyama: Get out or I call porice!
Tuong Lu Kim: Come on, kid, you don't wanna eat this-a Shitty Sushi! It give you worms.
Mr. Takiyama: Better than Shitty Kung Pao Chicken made from cat! [Mr. Kim turns and runs to the counter, jumps over it and lands a blow in Mr. Takiyama's face. They trade blows. Mr. Kim ends with an uppercut]
Scene Description: Butters' house, day. Sgt. Yates and another office bring Butters home. Sgt. Yates knocks, Mr. Stotch answers
Steven: Hello?
Sgt. Yates: Sir, does this mailman belong to you?
Stephen: That's my son. Is there a problem, officer?
Sgt. Yates: There's been an Asian turf war, sir, and your son appears to have caused it.
Stephen: What?! An Asian turf war- Butters! You are grounded!
Butters: But, sir, i was just handing out coupons for-
Stephen: Don't talk back to me! [Butters goes inside]
Sgt. Yates: We'll send a bill for the damages, [the officers turn and leave] but in the meantime, please keep a closer eye on your child, sir? [Stephen closes the door]
Scene Description: Butters' house, inside. Linda meets Stephen at the foot of the stairs as he has words with Butters
Stephen: Go up to your room, now! [Butters goes upstairs]
Linda: What's going on?
Stephen: Butters started an Asian turf war!
Linda: Oh, for the love of Pete! What is wrong with that boy?
Stephen: I don't know, but it's clear it isn't our parenting! We're awesome! He must have mental problems. I think we'd batter have him checked out, Linda.
Scene Description: Center for Criminally Insane Children. Inside, a doctor is in a lab with Butters as Linda and Stephen wait outside. The doctor opens the door and sighs. He meets with Butters' parents.
Stephen: Well, Dr. Janus?
Dr. Janus: I'm afraid I have some bad news. Your son is suffering from Multiple Personality Disorder.
Linda: What?
Dr. Janus: There are several distinct personalities going on in there. One is named "Postman Butters" and yet another is "Fireman Butters." And then there's even "Inspector Butters" and uh, "Professor Chaos".
Linda: Oh my God!
Dr. Janus: From what I gather, he seems to mostly jump in and out of personalities when he's outside playing. Sometimes he's a cowboy and other times he's an Indian, and the two seem to be at constant odds.
Linda: Oh, poor Butters!
Stephen: Doctor, what can we do? Should we ground him?
Dr. Janus: No, I don't think grounding him would do much good at this point. [glances at Butters] What your son needs now is lots of tender loving... medication. Heavy medication.
Scene Description: News report, outside the two Asian restaurants, day
Field reporter:
Tuong Lu Kim: [comes out of his restaurant and sees the sign] What the fuuuck?! [goes into City Sushi] You see what happen?!
Mr. Takiyama: I told you not to come in here!
Tuong Lu Kim: Now everyone in town think a Chinese and a Japanese are the same fucking thing!
Mr. Takiyama: I don't even know what the fuck you are saying! Uhpupuh putuh peepee!
Tuong Lu Kim: Aaah you Japanese racist! [Mr. Kim launches at Mr. Takiyama like he did before, and they trade blows again.]
Scene Description: Butters' house, night. Steven is reading the newspaper at his den.
Linda: [runs in] Stephen! Stephen, come quick! It's butters! [runs off. He follows her out. They reach the backyard] Look!
Butters: [pretending he's a trucker in his cab] Honk honk! Breaker 1-9, breaker 1-9. It's clean clear out to Flagtown! Looks like we got ourselves a convoy! Honk honk!
Linda: Now he thinks he's a truck driver. [cries into Stephen's shoulder]
Stephen: Oh God the medication isn't working!
Butters: It's okay, buddy, you've got a smokey on your tail, bug Big Rig Butters is here to help! Vroovrooom. [Stephen runs up to him]
Stephen: Butters! Butters!! [grabs Butters by the shoulders and shakes him hard] BUTTERRRRS!
Butters: Oh hey Dad.
Stephen: You're back. You're back-he's back! [Stephen hugs Butters tight and cries.] I love you son!
Butters: I love you too, Dad.
Stephen: You're going to be okay Butters! You hear me?! YOU ARE GOING TO BE OKAY! [Linda whimpers a bit]
Scene Description: City Sushi, day. Mr. Kim enters
Mr. Takiyama: Youuu, get out! I told you not to come in here!
Tuong Lu Kim: Okay, whoa, just hold a minute, hold a minute. I come ina peace.
Mr. Takiyama: I don't berieve you!
Tuong Lu Kim: Come on, rook! All this fighting, it's just to sirry, you know? Chinese anda Japanese been fighting for so rong. It'sa ridicurous. What we need... is to have a tweaty.
Mr. Takiyama: What is tweaty?
Tuong Lu Kim: Nono, we need a tweaty.
Mr. Takiyama: A tweaty?
Tuong Lu Kim: No, not a treaty, a tweaty!
Mr. Takiyama: Oh, you mean a treaty?
Tuong Lu Kim: What the fuck is a tweaty?
Mr. Takiyama: No no, a treaty.
Tuong Lu Kim: A tweaty? [no response] Rook rook. All these racist people thinka that a Chinese and a Japanese are the same, right? So you and me, we put on a big assembry for all the kids are school, and then everyone understand curtural difference. You know, so they know fried rice isn't from Japan and teriyaki isn't from China.
Matt: Teriyaki isn't from China?
Tuong Lu Kim: [screams in his face] No, teriyaki isn't froma fucking China!
Mr. Takiyama: Very well. I will do assembly with you.
Tuong Lu Kim: Oh really? Oh great. [backs away] Okay, I'll meet you tomorrow and we can go over our prans. [turns around] And when you get to that assembry, you gonna get big surprise, you Japanese dog.
Scene Description: Dr. Janus' lab, day.
Dr. Janus: Butters, when you were playing in the yard yesterday, do you remember becoming someone named... Big Rig Butters?
Butters: Sure.
Dr. Janus: What makes Big Rig Butters come out? Did somebody hurt him? Did he do something bad he can't forgive himself for?
Butters: Uh, no, he's pretty much just a truck driver.
Dr. Janus: You don't know. But, maybe somebody else in there does. Do you think it would be possible for me to speak with... Inspector Butters?
Butters: Sure.
Dr. Janus: I'm now speaking to the person known as Inspector Butters.
Butters: Inspector Butters is on the case! Heheh, he this is fun.
Dr. Janus: Inspector Butters, what do you want?
Butters: Uh, well, to solve mysteries.
Dr. Janus: And is there someone else living with you, someone named... Professor Chaos?
Butters: Oh well, sure, uh he's the bringer of destruction and evil!
Dr. Janus: He's a bad man. He doesn't like Butters, does he? Does Professor Chaos want to murder Butters?
Butters: What? Why would I do that?
Dr. Janus: Who am I speaking to now?
Butters: Me, Butters.
Dr. Janus: Ah, Butters. You're back.
Butters: Sir, I'm confused.
Dr. Janus: I know you are. This is going to sound scary, pal, but... you have people living inside your head. And some of them want to murder you.
Butters: Really?
Dr. Janus: Yes, I'm afraid you're a little sick. But it's okay, because together we're going to get you well.
Alias 1: [a teenaged personality] Don't listen to Dr. Janus! He's a mean old man and a big silly grown up.
Butters: Pardon me?
Alias 1: He's just a big old stick in the mud who doesn't like to play.
Dr. Janus: Don't mind him, Butters. Billy's a pretty messed up kid. He was molested by his uncles.
Psycho Janus: Dr. Janus isn't going to be alive for long! I'm going to kill him!
Dr. Janus: Now, what are the things that make you happy, Butters? What's the matter, Butters? Are you still with us? Is one of your other personalities trying to take over?
Billy: Let's play Battleship! All hands on the poop deck!
Psycho Janus: Your soul will bleed for eternity!
Alias 2: You don't even know what sexy is, Mr. Harrison.
Alias 3: That Big Red freshness lasts right through it!
Alias 4: The horned toad says we should go to Mexico. [Butters doesn't know what to make of this doctor, and now he's afraid]
Dr. Janus: What are you feeling, Butters? Are you nervous about your condition?
Butters: Yes!
Scene Description: Butter's bedroom, later. He's looking at a video he took of himself on his computer
Butters: [a recording] This... is Butters. It's Wednesday night at 9 p.m. From what I understand, there are people living inside my head and they want to kill me. It must be true, because now every night I wet the bed. So tonight I'm gonna leave the camera on to see what exactly I become while I am sleeping.
Butters: Oh man, this is freaky. Like that movie Paranormal.
Butters: [a recording] Well goodnight for now. [leaves the desk and goes to bed] Goodnight, Butters.
Butters: Goodnight, Butters. Hmm. Alright, I guess I'm goin' to fast-forward. [fast-forwards three hours and then gasps. At normal speed, his bedroom door opens slowly. A second later, Dr. Janus enters] Dr. Janus? [nothing happens for three more hours, so Butters fast-forwards to 3:32 in the morning, when Dr. Janus unzips his pants, pulls out his dick and urinates all over Butters, puts his penis away, zips his pants up, and punches Butters HARD several times before running out of the bedroom. Six seconds later, Butters is fully awake]
Butters: [a recording] Mom! Dad! I wet the bed again!
Butters: Oh, sweet jumping Jesus!
Scene Description: South Park Elementary Gymnasium, day. An Asian diversity poster is up on the projection screen. Mr. Mackey walks up next to it
Mr. Mackey: Okay, kids, today we have a special assembly, m'kay. Today we're going to learn about "the diversity of Asian people." Please welcome Mr. Lu Kim and Mr. Junichi Takiyama. [Walks away. "Shake that." A techno song comes on, followed my Mr. Kim and Mr. Takiyama dancing into view]
Tuong Lu Kim: Ni hao ma, South Park Erementary?!
Mr. Takiyama: Konnichiwa?!
Tuong Lu Kim: How are we arr feering?! [the music stops and the stand back to back] Hey, Mr. Takiyama, did you know that China and Japan are actually uh different countries?
Mr. Takiyama: Oh, rearry? [they separate] Hey, that ruhight. If you ook at map, you can see.
Tuong Lu Kim: This whoooore thing is China, and Japan is this riiittle bitty country over here. And that's why the Japanese always try anda take over China!
Mr. Takiyama: What?!
Tuong Lu Kim: The Japanese planned to kill people in Nanking! The only thing Japanese ruve more than killing people is killing themselves! Suicide rate in Japan sky-high!
Mr. Takiyama: Fuck you!
Tuong Lu Kim: "Oh no, I'm a Japanese and I had a bad day! I think I'm gonna kill myself!"
Scene Description: Dr. Janus' lab, day. Mr. Janus leaves it, but is surprised to find Butters waiting for him
Dr. Janus: Oh, hello Butters. I wasn't expecting you till 5:30.
Butters: [nervous] Uh, yeah, Dr. Janus, I wanted to give you something. You remember how you told me if I got myself on video it might help me with my problem?
Dr. Janus: Yes. did you catch something?
Butters: Well yeah ah, I saw you pissing in my face.
Dr. Janus: [sees the DVD disc and snatches it away, then checks it over] Oh, so you're on to me, huh you little shit?!
Butters: Huh?
Dr. Janus: What, Inspector butters figured out I set him up?!
Butters: Well no, ah I just thought it was one of your other personalities trying to give me a-
Dr. Janus: Oh come on! You think multiple personality disorder is real?! I've been using that to scam this town for seven years! Now I gotta get out of here, thanks to you! But I'm getting one last heist before I go, and you're gonna help me!
Scene Description: A jewelry shop, closed for the night. Dr. Janus destroys a window with a crow bar, then lifts Butters into the shop
Dr. Janus: Get in there! Move it, asshole!
Butters: This is illegal. We could get arrested. [Dr. Janus breaks into some display cases and swipes the jewels into a satchel that Butters is carrying] Oh Jesus!
Dr. Janus: They're all idiots! The vault! Get to the vault! Come on! Go! Movie it! [puts some welding goggles on Butters while getting a welding torch and firing it up] Get this on and get in that vault! That's where the real good are! [hands the lit torch to Butters] Torch that door, do you hear me?! I'll kill your parents! I'll kill your friends! I said get that fucking door open!
Butters: I'm trying, sir! [this changes Dr. Janus' behavior]
Dr. Janus: Butters? Butters, what are you doing? What is that? A blowtorch? Put that down! You're having another episode!
Butters: What?
Dr. Janus: Butters. Your name is Butters! Try and remember!
Butters: But you said to uh, but I got to uh, and then, you told me tuh...
Dr. Janus: [sighs loudly] Oh boy, you've really done it this time. I know it's not your fault, but I'm sorry. I'm going to have to alert the authorities, pal.
Scene Description: Delia's Jewelers, day. Dr. Janus addresses the crowd and the police
Dr. Janus: We have to try and understand that he can't help what he's doing, officer. He probably has no memory of it at all.
Sgt. Yates: Well, at least everything is accounted for. Thank God you came when you did, Dr. Janus.
Steven: Breaking into a store, Butters?! What are you?!
Sgt. Yates: Well I suppose there's no need for jail, Mr. and Mrs. Stotch, so long as you ground your son.
Steven: Oh, we'll ground the shit out of him, detective. Thank you so much.
Scene Description: City Sushi, day. Mr. Takiyama is preparing some sushi behind the counter when Mr. Kim enters
Tuong Lu Kim: Herro-o.
Mr. Takiyama: You get the fuck out of my place!
Tuong Lu Kim: Okay, hold on, hold on, please! I'ma sorry, okay? I'm sorry. I admit it. I fucked you at the assembly. How about you and me together do an Asian Diversity festival?
Mr. Takiyama: Get the fuck out before I call police!
Tuong Lu Kim: Please, I admitting it, okay?I fucked you at assembly. There's no way around it. It was verrry sneaky. Kind of like Pearl Harbor. Okay? That was a little sneaky too, huh? Pearl Harbor kind of sneaky; I think we can all be a rittle sneaky sometimes, hm? But that sneaky Chinese man? He's gone! Okay? Okay, if we can have Asian Diversity festival, then we no longer have to deal witha "recial stereotypes." Prease.
Mr. Takiyama: Against my better judgment, I will trust you one more time. But this time, you'd better not rub your hands together when you turn around to walk away.
Tuong Lu Kim: Okay, see you tomorrow. [turns around and walks away, but stops long enough to rub his hands together] And on that Asian Diversity day you're gonna get a rittle surprise, you Japanese dog. [continues on his way]
Scene Description: Butters' backyard. His Postman Butters uniform is on the ground, and he pours some gas on it. He then lights it and begins throwing in more of his costumes, which are in a cardboard box labeled "Butters' Play Clothes"
Butters: That does it, you hear me?! I am through with all of you! No more Postman Butters, No more Inspector Butters, no more Porn Star Butters, no more Professor Chaos, and no more- [a bicycle horn stops him, and he holds on to his Professor Chaos mask. He looks over and sees Dr. Janus on a child's tricycle glaring at him] Waaahh! [runs away. As he does, he tosses the Professor Chaos mask back into the cardboard box. Butters runs into the neighborhood park. Dr. Janus chases him down and tackles him there.]
Dr. Janus: Butters please! It's me, Billy! You've gotta help! [moments later they are seated on a park bench] Please, Butters, I've tried to tell old Dr. Janus that we're in danger, but Dr. Janus doesn't rrealize thaere's a problem! [stands up and walks around] The mean man that lives in our head is trying to take over for good!
Butters: [sees a couple walking by] Um, excuse me?
Dr. Janus: [running around the bench to quickly distract Butters] No no nonono! Don't call out for help! [Dr. Janus opens his sports coat and points to a sidearm] He's got a gun.
Butters: Wahh!
Dr. Janus: If you draw any attention he'll kill us!
Butters: Please, Billy, ah I'm just a kid too. I can't help you.
Dr. Janus: No, you can't. But you know somebody who can. Inspector Butters.
Butters: What??
Dr. Janus: You've got to become Inspector Butters again and help me find out what the mean man wants.
Butters: No! You told me NOT to play Inspector Butters!
Dr. Janus: You don't understand! For some reason the mean man is getting stronger. You have to help me find out how to stop him! Please! [Butters sighs]
Scene Description: South Park's Little Tokyo presents "Asian Diversity Day." A pagoda now stands between the two restaurants, and all three buildings are decorated with strings of lights, dragons, fish, and other motifs. Both restaurants are also offering samples of their menus. Here's a news report
Field reporter:
A woman: Mr. Takiyama, a note for you. [Mr. Takiyama takes the note and reads it]
Tuong Lu Kim: [voice-over] Konnichiwa, my fine Japanese friend. It's so great that Chinese and Japanese are finarry getting arong. We should take our picture together on top of the Tower of Peace. I'm up there waiting for you now. [Mr. Takiyama looks up, but doesn't see anyone up there] Prease, come meet me on top of the Tower of Peace. It would be rearry nice. [Tuong Lu Kim's image begins to rubs its hands together] Yesss, and when you get to the top of that tower you're gonna get a rittle surprise, you Japane- Oh, sorry. Anyway, see you on top of tower! [Mr. Takiyama leaves his sample display booth and goes into the tower]
Scene Description: Meanwhile, in a mansion, Dr. Janus and Butters walk around with flashlights
Dr. Janus: [as Billy] Dr. Janus sure has a big house, dudn't he? He's planning on hurting people; I just know it!
Butters: It's okay, Billy, we're gonna get to the bottom of this.
Dr. Janus: This is kinda fun. You're Inspector Butters and I'm your faithful assistant, Dr. Watson!
Butters: Well alright, Watson, well let's find out what we need to and get out of here!
Dr. Janus: Yeah! [Dr. Janus takes over] Butteers, what are you doing in my house?
Butters: Hah?
Dr. Janus: Oh dear. It's okay, Butters. You just think you're Inspector Butters right now.
Butters: Aw man.
Dr. Janus: [escorts Butters to the front door] Come on, let's get you home. [Billy takes over] Where are ya gon', Butters?
Butters: Oh, come on!
Dr. Janus: You aren't leaving here, Inspector! None of you are!
Butters: AAAAAAAAAAA! [runs away. Dr. Janus follows him upstairs] AAAAAAAAAAA!
Dr. Janus: Butters, come on! Try and come back to us! [Mean Guy takes over] You can't run forever! [pizza delivery man takes over] Excuse me, did someone order a pizza? [Dr. Janus takes over] Yes, that was me, but I'm a little busy at the moment. I'll be right back! [Mean Guy takes over as Butters enters an attic room or a penthouse floor] You'll never turn me in, Inspector Butters! You're dead!
Butters: Waaaa! [runs to the end of a hall and knocks on the door found there. The door opens and he falls into a room. He looks up and gasps at what he sees: walls covered in newspaper headlines about City Sushi and its chef, and one word written in blood: KILL. Dr. Janus reaches the room and Butters looks over his shoulder. Dr. Janus squints his face and combs over his hair: it's...]
Tuong Lu Kim: They wanna take over my Shitty Woookk?! Hory crap, what time is it? [checks his watch] Oh no, I'm rate! [turns around and runs downstairs, leaving Butters quite confused]
Scene Description: The Tower of Peace, night. Tuong Lu Kim runs upstairs and reaches the top, and sighs
Mr. Takiyama: What took you so long?!
Tuong Lu Kim: [takes out a cigarette, clips the end off, and lights it] Yes, I'm afraid my Tower of Peace was a rittle bit of trickery, Mr. Japanese dog. I'm going to put an end to you, and everyone gonna think it's just because you did what Japanese people ruve doing most. "No, don't do it! Don't kill yourself, prease!" [jumps on Mr. Takiyama and grabs him by the throat]
Mr. Takiyama: Urgh. Fuck you! I'ma not trying to kill myself!
Tuong Lu Kim: "No, don't do it, prease!" [some sirens are heard below] "So much to rive for!" [floodlights quickly find the two chefs, and they stand down]
Sgt. Yates: [through his bullhorn] This is South Park Police!
Tuong Lu Kim: Porice?! How?!
Sgt. Yates: We know the truth, Dr. Janus!
Mr. Takiyama: Thisa Chinise rat trying to kill me!
Sgt. Yates: He's not Chinese! He's white!
Tuong Lu Kim: What the fuck you talkin' about?!
Sgt. Yates: [enunciating] Your name is Dr. Janus!
Tuong Lu Kim: You people crazy! [Billy takes over] Listen to them! It's true! [Mean Guy takes over] Truth hurts, doesn't it, Janus! [Dr. Janus takes over] Who are you people?! Why are you all here?!
Mr. Takiyama: How could I ret myself berieve white man was a Chinese?! I have brought shame upon myself! [gets on the balcony and jumps off] Nooooo, this is racial stereotaipuuu! [crashes into his own restaurant, destroying it and dying upon impact]
Scene Description: Park County Police station, night. The police are talking to Butters and his parents
Steven: So you're telling us that Dr. Janus has been the owner of City Wok all this time?
Sgt. Yates: That's right. Of all his multiple personalities, the strongest was Lu Kim. And we never would have known... if it hadn'ta been for Inspector Butters. [the other officers present give Butters a round of applause.]
Butters: Thanks. I'm just glad the whole thing is over and done. Maybe now poor old Dr. Janus can finally get the help he needs.
Steven: Yes Butters. Thanks to you, maybe Dr. Janus can get back to his real self.
Sgt. Yates: [walks off] Yes, I'm sure he could. But, then again, [stops, then turns around] does the world really need another therapist?
Steven: Whattaya mean?
Sgt. Yates: Well I mean, would it really be so bad for us to just let him go on thinking he's Lu Kim forever? Now that City Sushi is gone, City Wok is the only Chinese restaurant left in town.
Desk officer: Oh yeah.
Black officer: Yeah. Let's just let him keep believing he's a Chinese man.
Sgt. Yates: Done!
Other officers: Good! Alright! Alright! Yeah!
Blond officer: Detective, he's asking for a blanket. Is that alright?
Sgt. Yates: Go ahead. We're gonna process him and get him back to the restaurant. [the officer who conveyed the request carries a blanket back to Tuong Lu Kim's cell. He enters...]
Tuong Lu Kim: Thank you. [...and leaves. The guard by the door locks it] "Oooooo, I hate Japanese people! They try and shut down my Shitty Wok, but they never wiiiiill. They're probably all ratching me, the Japanese. Ret them! I'm not even gonan swat that fryyy. They'll see. And they'll say 'Wow, that Shitty Wok owner. Why, he wouldn't even harm a fryyyyy.'" [City Wok is shown one more time]


Scene Description: Whistlin' Willy's, day. The boys are singing "Happy Birthday" to Stan. After that, Stan blows out the two Terrance and Phillip candles adorning the cake. Sharon takes a picture
Boys: Yay! [Liane sits next to Cartman with a camera of her own]
Cartman: Alright now, open presents! Open presents!
Butters: Yeah! Open mine first Stan! It's the red one! [Stan reaches over and opens it]
Cartman: Where's mine? Where's mine where's mine where's mine?
Liane: [reaches under the table and gives Cartman a gift] Here you go, sweetie.
Cartman: Yaaaay!
Kyle: Wait wait it-it's Stan's birthday.
Liane: Yes. Every time somebody gets a birthday present Eric gets one too. [in a softer voice] Otherwise, he gets a little upset.
Cartman: [eagerly opening his own gift] What'd I get what'd I get what'd I get?
Kyle: Oh God...
Stan: [opening his gift] Oh cool, Legos. Thanks, Butters.
Butters: I know how you like Legos. Happy birthday!
Cartman: Oh cool! I got a racing game for Xbox! [Speed Zone for XBOX 360] D'you guys see that? Coool, huh?
Kyle: Here, this one's from me, Stan.
Stan: Oh thanks, dude.
Cartman: Stan's getting another present, Mom.
Liane: Here you are, muffin. [throws up another gift]
Cartman: Yaaaay! [rips the wrapper off] Oh cool, look. A Ben 10 Wrist Rocket! This is exactly what I wanted for Stan's birthday! What'd you get Stan?
Stan: Oh cool, is this the new Gersploosh album?
Kyle: Yeah dude!
Sharon: [walks up behind Stan] Uh, hold it. Is that a Tween Wave band?
Kyle: Yeah they're the best!
Sharon: Sorry, Stan. you know you're not allowed to listen to this stuff.
Stan: Mom, I'm 10 years old now.
Sharon: I've told you what I think of this music, Stanley. You have plenty of other gifts to enjoy.
Cartman: Looks like somebody's on the rag, huh Mom?
Scene Description: The Marsh house, day. Sharon is in the kitchen washing dishes. Randy peeks in from the dining room, then walks into the kitchen
Randy: Sharon? Stan told me you took away his music CD at his birthday party.
Sharon: Oh for crying out loud, I gave him a great party and that's all he cares about.
Randy: Well, do you really think we should be telling our son what music he can and can't listen to?
Sharon: Yes I do, if it's that stupid Tween Wave garbage!
Randy: Tween Wave?
Sharon: You haven't heard it? It's terrible! It's hardly even music; it just sounds like crap!
Randy: Sharon, come on. Don't you remember being younger and having our parents say the music we liked sounded like crap?
Sharon: This is different!
Randy: [waits a few seconds] ...So. Here we are. Now we're the old people who think the younger generation's music sounds like shit.
Sharon: [stops washing and turns around] It's... not because I'm older. I'm telling you, our music is better.
Randy: [mimicking an elderly man] "Back in my day our music was better! Not this garbage the young 'un listen to. Warber warber warber."
Sharon: Fine, Randy! [hands him the CD] You go listen to it and tell me you don't think it sounds like crap! [goes back to washing dishes]
Randy: I'd love to. I'm not an old fuddy-duddy, Sharon. I'm still cool. [walks out and towards his den.]
Scene Description: The den. Randy pops the CD into the CD drive on his computer, puts on his headphones, and listens. The song he hears starts with a good beat, and he bobs up and down ever so slightly to it, but then explosive diarrhea is heard, and Randy is startled. He makes sure it's not him farting or anything. Sharon appears at the doorway with hands on hips
Sharon: Well, it sounds like crap, right?!
Randy: Uh... NO I mean... [looks at Sharon] I like it.
Sharon: Oh come on! That music sounds like shit!
Randy: No, it's just... young and hip so you don't get it, Sharon.
Sharon: Admit it, Randy! You think it sounds like crap too!
Randy: It doesn't sound like crap at all! I think it's awesome! [turns towards the computer. Sharon walks away exasperated. Randy clicks his fingers, but the farts noises keep coming and Randy keeps wincing]
Scene Description: CNN Headline News
Anchorman: It's called Tween Wave, and if you're a parent your kids are probably listening to it. A new music genre for the era from 2009 through 2012. or "The Tweens." Every generation has their music, but many parents say Tween Wave sounds like crap.
Man 1: It's just vulgar and stupid, you know? Music used to be good.
Woman 1: This sounds like poo.
Man 2: [an elderly man] I certainly don't understand kids' music today. Sounds like diarrhea to me.
Anchorman: Kids however say they don't hear crap at all.
Kid 1: Parents are dumb.
Kid 2: They don't get it.
Kid 1: They don't get it. Parents are stupid.
Kid 3: Tween Wave is swick.
Kid 4: Tweem Wave is super swick and parents don't get it, 'cause their ears are old.
Kid 5: Parents are dumb.
Scene Description: The Marsh house, day. The boys' parents are gathered in the living room except for Randy
Sharon: We're sorry boys, but we have all decided that as of now, none of you are allowed to listen to Tween Wave music.
Randy: [sitting with the boys] Ugh, that's so unfair!
Kyle: But that's our music! We like it!
Randy: Yeah it's good!
Sheila: What's good about a bunch of crap sounds to a drumbeat?
Stan: We don't know what you're talking about! It doesn't sound that way to us!
Randy: Yeah it, it doesn't sound like that to us.
Gerald: I wanna educate you kids with some real music. [pops in a CD of The Police's "Synchronicity"] This is The Police. Now you compare this to Tween pop and tell us which one you think is real music. [presses Play and "Every Breath You Take" starts up, but instead of lyrics you hear poop sounds]
The boys: Yuck!
Randy: What?
Stan: That sounds like shit!
Gerald: Whattaya mean it sounds like shit? This doesn't sound like shit.
Kyle: Gross!
Cartman: Turn it off dude!
Scene Description: The Marsh house, night, Stan's room. Stan is in bed and Sharon is about to leave the room
Sharon: Stanley I want you to understand that even though I won't let you listen to certain kinds of music, I still love you.
Stan: I know, Mom. I love you too.
Sharon: Soon you'll be old enough to make your own choices, but for now, I just don't want you listening to that stuff.
Stan: It's okay, Mom. I understand.
Sharon: That's very mature of you, Stanley. Goodnight, sweetie. [Stan turns away and closes his eyes.]
Stan: 'Night. [Sharon turns off the lights and closes the door. A few seconds later, Stan opens his eyes and looks at the door to make sure his mom isn't looking at him. Then he reaches under the mattress and pulls out his iPod] Haha. [listens to some music. Soon some shitty sounds creep in] Ugh. [tries some other tracks, but each one has poop noises in it. He sits up] What the hell? [tries more tracks, but all he hears now is shit]
Scene Description: The bus stop, day. Kenny, Cartman, and Kyle are listening to songs on their iPods
Kyle: [to Cartman] Oh dude! Dude, this is the part I was talking about. Check out the bassline on this! [has Cartman listen to his song]
Cartman: Oh yeah, that one's cool. [gets into the rhythm] Yeah, this part's killer. [looks like he's exercising]
Kyle: [seeing Stan approach] Hey Stan. [hands Cartman his iPod]
Stan: Hey dudes.
Kyle: Dude, have you really listened to the sixth track? I think it's my new favorite.
Stan: Yeah, yeah I've listened to it. Um, Kyle, can I talk to you alone for a second?
Kyle: Sure. [they walk off to a small clearing] What's up?
Stan: Kyle, I have to admit something to you. You know how I told you over the phone I like the new Gersploosh album? I lied. I don't like it. I don't like it at all, Kyle.
Kyle: Oh. Really? Um well that's okay.
Stan: No, you don't understand dude. Something's happened. Tween Wave doesn't sound the same to me.
Kyle: Why? What's it sound like?
Stan: It... kind of sounds like shit.
Kyle: What? You mean like you don't like the singing, or the lyrics, or what?
Stan: No. I mean it sounds like somebody is shitting in my ears. Please, just listen really close. [has Kyle listen to a track] You don't hear shit?
Kyle: No.
Stan: That doesn't sound like shit to you?
Kyle: NO. Dude, maybe you should see a doctor.
Scene Description: A doctor's office, day. Stan took Kyle's advice. A doctor is checking Stan's ears
Stan: And so then I put on exactly the same album that I really like a year ago, and it sounded like shit to me.
Doctor Caroll: Uh huh, and what about food? Are some of the things you thought tasted good tasting like shit to you now, too?
Stan: Yeah. I used to love these Pop Rock things, and I tried them the other day and I thought they tasted like shit.
Doctor Caroll: [reads his medical file] This says you had a birthday recently?
Stan: I just turned 10.
Doctor Caroll: Well, that makes sense. You see Stan, as you get older, your eardrums, taste buds, all that stuff develops and changes.
Stan: So this is normal?
Doctor Caroll: It's very normal. Let's just do a quick ear exam. I'm gonna play some Tween Wave music and you tell me what you hear. [plays some music, with lots of fart sounds] What's that sound like to you?
Stan: Sounds like shit.
Doctor Caroll: Aha. Now I'm going to play you some good ole Bob Dylan. [plays a Dylan track. Dylan gets through three syllables before fart sounds replace him.]
Stan: Uh that sounds like shit too.
Doctor Caroll: Wait, this sounds like shit to you?
Stan: Yeah dude, it's just shit.
Doctor Caroll: Well that's very strange. [turns off the player] Hm, I'm gonna try somethin' else. [takes two pictures up to Stan] Look at these two pictures. One of them is an ad for Kevin James' new movie The Zookeeper, and the other is a turd in a microwave. Which one is the ad for The Zookeeper?
Stan: They both look the same. [true enough, except for the turds]
Doctor Caroll: You don't see any difference in the pictures?
Stan: No.
Doctor Caroll: [holds up the picture in his right hand] That is an ad for The Zookeeper and [holds up the picture in his left hand] that is a turd about to be reheated.
Stan: They both look like turds about to be reheated to me.
Doctor Caroll: Oh dear. I think I know what this is. You see Stan, as you get older, things that you used to like start looking and sounding like shit. And things that seemed shitty as a child don't seem as shitty. With you, somehow, the wires have gotten crossed and everything looks and sounds like shit to you. It's a condition called "being a cynical asshole."
Stan: Oh no.
Doctor Caroll: Yes. And there's no known cure, I'm afraid. Everything just seems shitty, and everyone starts to seem shitty, and everything they say just starts to [sounds shitty now, and Stan can't believe his ears. Soon, shit comes out of the doctor's mouth and Stan is more horrified]
Scene Description: Randy's den, night. Randy has transformed it into a mancave, with disco ball and clothes strewn everywhere. Randy is reading Rolling Stone and listening to Tween Wave music through his headphones
Sharon: [walking by] Randy, do you mind cleaning up the garage like I asked you?
Randy: Get out of my room! I'm listening to my music! Gau!
Sharon: Stop pretending to like the kids' music, Randy! It's pathetic! You know damn well it sounds like crap to you too!
Randy: No it doesn't sound like crap to me! [one pooping sound and the headphones are off] Ugh. [gets up and walks around angrily]
Sharon: Randy, don't you see what this is? You had dreams of being a rock star when you were younger, now you can't admit the next generation's music sounds shitty, it's called "getting older", Randy. It's okay.
Randy: That's not true! I think Tween Wave music is complex and awesome and it speaks to my youthful rebellious spirit, Sharon!
Sharon: It's crap, Randy! It's so simple and stupid that anybody could play it!
Randy: Anybody could play it. Do you really think so?
Scene Description: The bowling alley, night. "Steamy Ray Vaughn", who turns out to be Randy, is performing. Randy is tuning up when he turns to face his audience
Randy: Hey everybody. Wanna thank you all for coming tonight. My name's Steamy Ray Vaughn and here's a little bit of Rattlesnake. [presses the play button] A-1 2 3 4! I've got a fever but it's under control! [fart noises, courtesy of his own butt] I said I've got a fever need to take it kind of slow [more fart noises. A janitor listens in] I've got a fever but it's out of control. Ga ga, ga ga, la ga ga ga. [more fart noises.]
Bar Patron: You suck!
Randy: No, you just don't understand Tween Wave 'cause you're old! [more fart noises.]
Scene Description: A ranch, day. Two elderly men stand at a fence. One of them is the janitor
Janitor/Farmer 1: Did you know we're livin' in the Tween time?
Farmer 2: Nah, I'd a heard that.
Janitor/Farmer 1: Guess it's the period between 2009 and 2013. They call it the Tweens. So they got this feller down at the bowling alley? He gets up on the stage an' shits his britches.
Farmer friend 2: What fer?
Janitor/Farmer 1: I don't know. But he gets up there and strums a gueetar and then starts loadin' his britches up like it's goin' out of style. [sniffs] It's like some kind of britches holocaust. Feller calls himself Steamy Ray Vaughn.
Farmer 2: You mean that guy that plays the blues and died in an airplane crash?
Janitor/Farmer 1: Nnooh. That's Stevie Ray Vaughn. Steamy Ray Vaughn just shits his britches.
Scene Description: Kyle's house, night. Kyle is playing a video game as Cartman and Kenny look on
Cartman: Ohooh dude, sweet! Tackle him!
Kenny: (Get him!)
Kyle: Alright guys, do you think he's lying or telling the truth?
Cartman: He's lying, dude. Hit X
Kenny: (No, he's telling the truth) [Stan walks in]
Stan: Hey guys.
Kyle: Hey, Stan. What did the doctor say?
Stan: He said I have cynicism?
Cartman: What's that?
Stan: Something you can get when you get older but, it's stupid. I'm not cynical. All the doctor wants is a paycheck. I went to him for help and he just stood there spouting a bunch of shit.
Kyle: Oh. Well, come on, we're playing L.A. Noire.
Stan: Agh, that shitty game? Who plays video games to listen to a bunch of characters talk and press the X button?
Cartman: Oh, ask him about the murder now, Kyle.
Kyle: Yeah, we got him!
Stan: How can people say this game is cool? It doesn't even matter what choices you make.
Kenny: (Hit the X button, Kyle!)
Kyle: We're gonna level up to detective!
Stan: That's such a shitty device to keep people playing.
Kyle: Alright, ahhh, why don't we do something else?
Scene Description: So the boys are now in a diner eating sundaes
Stan: [looking at his chocolate sundae] Aw, dude, this looks like shit.
Kyle: You don't wanna eat it?
Stan: It just looks like shit to me, a bunch of processed, gooey shit.
Cartman: Look like ice cream to me.
Kyle: Erm, okay, I know. How about we go to the mall?
Stan: Ugh, bunch of people trying to sell us a bunch of shit.
Kyle: Ugh, okay Stan, what do you wanna do?
Stan: What, oh I don't care, I'm cool with whatever.
Scene Description: The bowling alley, night. Steamy Ray Vaughn is back in performing. The janitor and his farmer friend are present
Randy: City bog. Too much, too much city bop. Too much too much too much [puts the mic to his ass and farts into it]
Farmer friend 2: Lord, I ain't never seen britches take a whoopin' like that.
Janitor/Farmer 1: I told you. Them britches don't stand a chance.
Randy: City bop! City yeah! [more fart sounds, and the song ends] Thank you! Thank you so much! I'd like to uh, bring up a special guest now. The other night I was chatting in a Tween Wave chatroom, because I do love Tween Wave so much, and I uh started chattin' with this nice lady who also really like her kids' Tween Wave music and... turns out she's a real talented artist as well. Please welcome Miss Steamy Nicks.
Steamy Nicks: [sounding a lot like a goat] Thank you, thank you so much. [Randy presses play and a song begins]
Farmer friend 2: Wait now, who's that lady?
Janitor/Farmer 1: That there's Steamy Nicks.
Farmer friend 2: You mean that gal who played for Fleetwood Mac and wrote that song "Landslide"?
Janitor/Farmer 1: Nnooh, that's Stevie Nicks. Steamy Nicks just shits her britches. [sure enough, she does this, and Randy joins her a second later]
Randy: Yoyoyo! [more fart sounds]
Sharon: [enters the bowling alley and heads straight for Randy] Who the hell is that woman, Randy?! What the hell do you think you're doing?!
Janitor/Farmer 1: I agree. Why don't you leave them poor britches alone?
Farmer friend 2: Them britches have had enough!
Scene Description: Ronny's Diner, day. Stan is in a booth, all alone. A waitress comes up
Waitress: All alone today?
Stan: Yeah it sucks. All my friends are sick with the flu.
Waitress: Well, what can I get you?
Stan: Do you have anything on the menu that doesn't taste like shit?
Waitress: A little young to be so pessimistic, aren't ya kid?
Stan: Why? There's nothing but shit on TV, video games are all shit, and the world's a big turd. The only thing that doesn't seem like total shit to me are my friends, and they're all sick. Just, get me a cheeseburger and tell the chef to go easy on the shit. [just outside, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny walk by, not noticing Stan in the diner. Stan, on the other hand, notices them walk by. He quickly leaves the booth and catches up with them outside, where they're happily talking about something.]
Kyle: [laughing] I know! That's so hilarious!
Stan: I thought you guys were sick! [the other boys don't know what to say]
Cartman: ...Uh we'll let you catch up to us, Kyle. Come on, Kenny. [Cartman and Kenny turn and walk away. Stan approaches Kyle]
Stan: Dude, you totally lied to me!
Kyle: No, ah I didn't lie to you. Ah I was um... uh I felt better and then the guys called and said that they felt better and uh-
Stan: Where were you guys going?!
Kyle: Alright dude, we were going to the movies.
Stan: Why didn't you tell me? I wanna go to the movies.
Kyle: Look, Stam, we-we just wanted to be able to go to the movies and enjoy ourselves, you know? I'm sorry but... you're a bummer to be around. Everything is "that looks like shit" and, and "this is shitty!"
Stan: You guys... don't wanna be around me?
Kyle: Look dude, it's just one movie. We wanna have a good time.
Stan: Please, Kyle, I can change my attitude. I promise. Let me go to the movies with you.
Kyle: [thinks about it, then sighs] Okay. But you've gotta promise to not complain.
Stan: I won't say a word.
Scene Description: The Bijou theater, day. X-Men: First Class is playing. Inside, the theater is barely a fourth full. The boys sit in the third row.
Stan: Oh shit.
Scene Description: The Bijou theater, later on
Stan: Jesus, how long before they start this Goddamned thing?! [apparently trailers are still playing]
Cartman: Oh cool, the movie trailers!
Scene Description: First trailer
Announcer: Adam Sandler is Jack. Adam Sandler is Jill. [Jack and Jill are at a well, and Jill poops on Jack... and they both look like turds]
Stan: Awww God! [squeezes his eyes shut and puts his hand over them]
Kyle: Dude, you said you wouldn't say everything looked like shit!
Stan: Sorry if I see things for what they are! Ok- okay, okay, I'm sorry.
Scene Description: Second trailer
Announcer: [a toilet bowl spews out shit] This November, Adam Sandler shits in your eyes, ears, and mouth. [Some eyes, ear, and mouth are shown separately, and poop lands on each of them] It's Adam Sandler in Pbbbbbt, rated Arg for pirates. Fuck you!
Cartman: That looks pretty good.
Stan: How can you say that looks good?!
Kyle: Shhh, you're doing it again!
Scene Description: Third trailer
Announcer: Jim Carrey has a bunch of turds in his apartment. [dancing turds that create turd sounds, at that]
Stan: [shields his eyes from the shit] Ugh.
Cartman: Stan, knock it off!
Stan: But it's just crap.
Kyle: No, they're penguins! Stop it!
Announcer: [shots of Carrey carrying two turds, slipping on another turd, then taking a crap while two turds look on] It's Jim Carrey in Whatever, You'll Pay To Go See It. Fuck you! July 12.
Scene Description: Fourth trailer
Announcer: The President of the United States... is a duck?? [the duck pops up and opens its beak, which issues forth lots of shit] A duck is President and the whole country is goin' to the dogs. [two dogs are shown. One of them has his ass to the camera, and it begins to poop] Or whatever, the President is a dog. [the dog and duck now stand before a U.S. flag] Who cares? Coming June something. [a bunch of poop hits the scene, landing on the dog and duck and spelling out "JUNE"]
Stan: Oh come on, people!
Kyle: That's it, Stan! I'm not sitting through a whole movie with you! [leaves his seat and walks out. Kenny and Cartman follow suit]
Stan: Oh dude dude wait, I'm sorry.
Cartman: No, Kyle's right. You suck, dude.
Stan: Me?! Did you see that shit?!
Scene Description: The Bijou, outside. Kyle, Kenny, and Cartman turn to leave the theater when Stan catches up to them.
Stan: Hang on guys!
Cartman: Dude, we don't wanna hang out with you anymore! Get it through your head! [he and Kenny leave. Kyle stays behind]
Stan: Kyle?
Kyle: [turns around] Dude, you've... you've changed.
Stan: I haven't changed, the world has. Don't you see it?
Kyle: No. And I don't want to. Look Stan, maybe we should fo- [poop starts coming out of his mouth and spewing all over the place. He then turns into a huge turd - this is how Stan sees him. The rest of us see him normally. Stan turns and walks away. Kyle turns and walks away in the opposite direction]
Scene Description: The Marsh house, night. Randy and Sharon can be seen arguing through the living room windows
Randy: You don't get it, Sharon! You never have! And that's supposed to be my fault?!
Sharon: Yes, it IS your fault, Randy, because you're a child!
Randy: I'm sick of everything I do being so wrong, Sharon!
Sharon: I'm sick of having to...for this! You're 42 years old, Randy!
Randy: I'm not dead yet Sharon, but you might be!
Sharon: Oh is that what you think?! That I'm dead?!
Scene Description: across the street, behind some bushes, the two elderly men are there observing the argument
Farmer friend 2: What do you suppose is goin' on in there?
Janitor/Farmer 1: Sound like Steamy Ray Vaughn is goin' at it with his wife over Steamy Nicks.
Farmer friend 2: You... sure you wanna do this?
Janitor/Farmer 1: We got to now, if their fightin' is our best chance tuh save them britches.
Scene Description: back in the house
Sharon: You do this all the time! First you're obsessed with baseball fights! Then you need to play Warcraft! Then you gotta be a celebrity chef! [the two men slide a side window up ever so quietly, go in, and sneak upstairs]
Randy: Why can't you ever just support me?!
Sharon: Support what?! Another stupid dream of yours?!
Randy: Face it Sharon, our son turned 10 and you feel old!
Sharon: WHAT does our son turning 10 have to do with you making the same mistakes again and again?!
Randy: Because I'm unhappy, okay?! I've been unhappy for a long time! [Sharon reflects on this for a moment and her voice goes soft]
Sharon: I'm unhappy too. We both are, obviously. How much longer can we keep doing this? It's like, the same shit just happens over and over and, then in a week it just all resets until- it happens again. Every week it's kind of the same story in a different way but it, it just keeps getting more and more ridiculous.
Janitor/Farmer 1: [the two men sneak out the way they came in] Come on britches, we're settin' you free.
Randy: I don't know if I've changed or you have. I just feel like I might not have a whole lot of time left and... I want to enjoy it.
Sharon: I want to enjoy it too, but... I can't fake it anymore. You just seem kind of shitty to me.
Randy: You kind of seem shitty to me too.
Sharon: People get older, Randy. People grow apart.
Scene Description: Stevie Nicks' "Landslide" begins to play. Stan is seen at Stark's Pond looking at it from a bench. Kyle walks up to Stan, but keeps some distance from him, then turns around and walks away. Stan looks at a flower... which has a huge turd growing from it. A bee lands on it. At the house, Shelly and Sharon pack away everything in the kitchen. Later, Randy explains things to Stan as Stan's dresser is being moved. Later, a realtor sets a "FOR SALE" sign in place - four bedrooms, two bathrooms, kitchen, back yard. She finishes and walks away. Randy is driving a U-Haul truck and watches the house fade in the distance through the driver's rear-view mirror. Sharon and her kids move into a new place. Sharon works on her room and gives Stan the box for his room. Stan later sits in a swing in the new yard. A small sandlot is nearby. Instead of a wooden fence, the new place has a wrought-iron fence. Stan looks up at the sun, which is a glowing massive turd. Stan is then seen at the cafeteria sitting at a table with a bunch of turds that are supposed to be his classmates. All the food looks like shit too. At night the police arrest the Britches Bandits, the two men who stole Randy's underwear, and take the underwear in for evidence. Cartman and Kyle play a game on Kyle's sofa. They look at each other and seem to reach a mutual understanding, since they smile at each other. Stan walks all alone in South Park and passes a duck in a tux. He stops and looks at the duck, who keeps walking. It looks at him and quacks out shit, which lands on him. The last scene is Stan lying in his new bed, in his new bedroom, looking up at the ceiling.