Announcer: The following program is brought to you in spooky vision. Be warned: all scenes will be accompanied by pictures of Barbra Streisand.
Scene Description: A scream is heard and the Halloween/Pinkeye opening sequence is shown.
Scene Description: Outer Space. A alien ship descends, and then turns towards Earth, headed for the western U.S. As it enters the atmosphere it begins to burn. It slows down and hovers over a road, then lands gently. A door opens like a camera lens, and an alien drops down. As soon as he moves, a tire crushes him. Judging by the size of the tire, the alien was 18 to 24 inches tall. The tire is that of the South Park Elementary school bus, which stops to let the boys off. Then it pulls away.
Stan: I wonder why Cartman wasn't in school today.
Kyle: He probably just ditched to avoid that spelling test.
Cartman: Hey guys. How's it going?
Scene Description: Cartman now has a full goatee. Kyle and Stan laugh.
Kyle: Uh, nice costume, dude. Who are you supposed to be? Luke Perry?
Stan: Cartman, how come you weren't in school today?
Kyle: Did you eat too many pork rinds last night?
Scene Description: Kyle and Stan laugh again.
Cartman: You guys, you're so funny. No matter how I'm feeling, I can always count on you guys to lighten me up.
Stan: What?
Cartman: I had to stay home because my mother wasn't feeling well. She has the flu, and I wanted to take care of the house so she could stay in bed
Scene Description: Stan and Kyle stand there shocked.
Cartman: I just wanted to catch you guys to see if we were assigned any homework tonight.
Kyle: What the hell are you talking about, Cartman?!
Stan: Stop screwing around, dude. We're all gonna go meet at the store later to buy pumpkins to carve.
Cartman: [Excited.] Oooh, then we can enter the carving contest! I'll run home and get money from Mother. Do you guys need some, too?
Scene Description: Cartman and the boys look at each other.
Stan: Dude, this is creepy.
Scene Description: Stan's house. Stan walks in to find Sharon and someone new.
Sharon: Stanley? Look who's here. Aunt Flo.
Scene Description: An elderly woman with glasses who has two gifts wrapped up next to her.
Aunt Flo: Hello, Stanley. Remember me?
Stanley: [Flatly.] Hi, Aunt Flo.
Scene Description: Stan hesitates to enter, Aunt Flo begins to tremble.
Sharon: Now, Stanley! Aunt Flo only visits once a month. Be nice.
Aunt Flo: Hey, Stanley. I brought you and Shelly presents.
Stan: Wow, really?! Hey, I love Aunt Flo!
Scene Description: He rushes in, Shelly turning up as well.
Aunt Flo: Okay, Shelly. This one's for you.
Scene Description: Shelly opens up the larger box and it expands out into.
Aunt Flo: It's a television/CD player/surround sound home theater.
Stan: Wow!
Sharon: What do you say, Shelly?
Shelly: Thank you, Aunt Flo.
Sharon: Okay, Stanley. Your turn.
Scene Description: Stan opens up his box and reaches in.
Aunt Flo: Your very own fish.
Sharon: What do you say, Stanley?
Stan: I don't know.
Scene Description: Stan and the fish look at each other. Stan shows some fear.
Aunt Flo: [Softly.] I think he likes you. [Normal.] Come on Shelly. Let's hook up your home theater.
Shelly: Okay.
Scene Description: Shelly follows her aunt out.
Sharon: How do you like your fish, Stanley?
Stan: I don't like it. It's spooky.
Sharon: Oh, now, what's spooky about a cute, little goldfish? Go put him in your room.
Stan: Do I have to?
Sharon: Yes, you do!
Stan: Damn it!
Scene Description: Stan walks off with the goldfish.
Sharon: Language!
Scene Description: A different Barbra picture zooms out from the center of the screen. Next: the bus stop. Kyle is already there.
Kyle: Where have you been, dude?
Stan: Dude, my mom's having her monthly visitor.
Kyle: Aunt Flo?
Stan: Yeah. Every time she shows up my mom turns into a total bitch.
Kyle: Where is Cartman? He said he was gonna bring money for us to buy a pumpkin.
Stan: Yeah, I wonder why he's being so nice.
Kyle: Here he comes.
Stan: Hey, Cartman! Did you bring us money from your mom?
Cartman: [clean-shaven] Heh! Yeah, right! You guys could kiss my black ass!
Kyle: You said you could get us money, Cartman!
Cartman: Man, you guys are hella stupid! If I had money, I wouldn't give it to you assholes!
Kyle: Well, at least he's back to normal.
Stan: Yeah, but we can't get a pumpkin, so we can't enter the carving contest!
Kyle: It's okay. Kenny said he'd get one.
Cartman: Oh, how's Kenny gonna get one?! He's hella poor!
Stan: Why do you keep saying "hella", fatass?!
Cartman: 'Cause I'm hella cool, that's why.
Kyle: That's not cool!
Cartman: You guys are just hella jealous.
Scene Description: Night time, storm. Stan's house. Randy is about to turn off the light in Stan's room.
Randy: Good night, Stanley. We'll uh see you in the morning.
Stan: Can you leave the light on, Dad?
Randy: Well, it has to be off, or your Aunt Flo will complain about wasting electricity.
Stan: I wish Aunt Flo didn't have to visit now.
Randy: Yeah, me too. But she only visits your mom for five days or so. I'll be out sleeping on the couch. [turns the light off and closes the door].
Scene Description: 'In the darkness, Stan pulls the covers close and looks at the fish. They stare at each other, and the fish blows a bubble. Stan turns away, then looks back. The fish just looks at him. Stan then turns towards the window and begins to fall asleep, until lightning startles him upright. He looks at the tank. The fish is gone!'
Stan: Where did it go? [he lifts the covers and looks under the bed, then sits back. The fish swims back into view.] Huhhh. [he gets out, picks up his shirt, and throws it over the tank. He goes back to bed and looks at the tank again.]
Scene Description: '[Kenny's house. Rain is dripping in all over the ceiling as pails collect the water. Kenny, Kevin and Mom share a blanket on the sofa while Stuart sits in the armchair.]'
Kenny: (Give me that-!) [pulls the blanket off Kevin]
Carol: Kenny [paf]
Kenny: (Ow, mom!)
Carol: You share that blanket with your brother! [knock knock knock]
Stuart: Who the hell could that be? [the front door opens and the family looks to see who it is].
Cartman: [with mustache and beard, and dressed in raingear] Hi there, folks! This is a heck of a storm out now! Thought maybe you could use some provisions. [a box of SUPPLIES is next to him. The parents look at each other] There's some candles and food in there. It ain't much, but it should get you through the night. Take care, folks. I've got other houses to get to. [walks off].
Stuart: [suspicious] Kenny, wasn't that your fat, racist, foul-mouthed friend, Eric Cartman?
Kenny: (Uh huh.)
Scene Description: 'Stan's house. He gets up once again to look at the tank, but the shirt is not on it anymore.'
Stan: Hey. Where did the shirt go? [hops off and approaches the fish] I covered you with a shirt! Where did it go?! [the fish blinks, then looks down and to the right. Stan's eyes follow, and he sees the shirt.] AAAaAaAaAa [runs back to his bed and pulls the covers up, then drops them a bit. He looks at the fish] I'm not gonna look. [shuts his eyes, then opens them again. The fish tank, and the dresser it's on, are closer to the bed] It's not closer. I'm just seeing things. [shuts his eyes again, then opens them. The tank and dresser are at the foot of his bed] GAAAH! [shuts his eyes tight, and opens them one more time. The fish tank is now on the bed, between his feet] AAAAAAAH!! [he jumps off, runs to his door, and rushes into the hallway] MOM! Mom! [comes back to the room with her in tow]
Sharon: Stanley, settle down!
Stan: Look. He's gonna kill me, Mom!
Aunt Flo: [at the door] Is there a problem? [walks to Sharon]
Sharon: Uh, no problem, Aunt Flo.
Aunt Flo: Do you not like your goldfish?
Stan: No!
Aunt Flo: I'm sorry. I'm a bad aunt. [buries her face in her hand and begins to sob.]
Sharon: There, there, Aunt Flo. Stanley loves his goldfish. [he merely looks up at them]
Scene Description: '1:25 a.m. Stan is under the covers looking at the spooky fish. After a long while, the fish turns around and starts writing something on the tank wall with his tail. Stan gets out of bed for a closer look. The fish finishes writing and turns to blow on the wall. A gray area appears and the word "KILL" appears within it.'
Stan: AAAAAAAAH! [runs back to bed]
Sharon: [enters his room and turns on the lights] Stanley, what are you doing?!
Stan: [pointing] The fish! [nothing is left of the writing on the tank wall] But-
Sharon: Stanley, I'm in no mood for this! Not when your Aunt Flo is in town! Oh, look, you woke your sister up. [Shelly stands in front of Sharon, then approaches Stan and slaps him, then leaves the room] Go to sleep, Stanley! [turns off the light and closes the door behind her.]
Scene Description: 'Stan gets back into bed and pulls the covers up. Another flash of lighting gets Stan to sit up again. He looks at the tank again, then gets out of bed for a closer look, failing to notice the growing pool of blood next to him. The fish again looks down and to the right, and Stan's eyes follow.'
Stan: [gasps. A man lies dead between the tank and the bed] WAAAAAAAH! Mooomm!
Sharon: All right, Stanley. I have had enough o- [freezes when she sees the body, then, quivering] Oh, Stanley, what have you done, baby? What have you done?? [rushes to comfort him]
Stan: Mom, I was just sleeping. And the next thing I knew-
Sharon: [covers his mouth with her arm, then quietly] Sshhh. It's okay, honey. It's okay. I've got such a good boy, Mommy's little angel. [kisses him and gets up] Now, don't worry, Stanley. Mommy's going to hide the body. [starts to drag it away] Nobody's going to take my baby away. I've got such a handsome boy, such a good boy. [she drags the body out of the room and out into the storm. Stan just looks at her]
Stan: [turns to the fish] You're not gonna get away with this! [the fish writes again, blows, and the message is: "Yes I Will."]
Scene Description: '[Stan walks over to the window and sees his mom digging a grave next to the body. She then places the body in the grave and covers it up. She returns with the shovel to the kitchen and closes the door behind her.]'
Aunt Flo: [her silhouette appears] Sharon!
Sharon: D'uh! Aunt Flo, what are you doing up?!
Aunt Flo: Look at you, with your little shovel. Just like when you were twelve.
Stan: [sees Sharon pass by] Mom, what are you doing?
Sharon: Sshh. It's going to be okay, Stanley.
Stan: Mom, do you think I killed that guy? It was the fish! He says I'm next!
Scene Description: The fish blinks and blows a bubble.
Sharon: [enters the room] Now get some sleep, baby. Mommy's taken care of everything.
Stan: But MOM!
Sharon: [Cradles Stan] Sshh. Hush little baby, don't say a word. Momma's gonna buy you a mockin' bird. If that mockin' bird don't sing, Momma's gonna bury it in the backyard
Scene Description: '[8 a.m., next day. A rooster crows and Stan's clock farts. Stan wakes up and looks at the tank. The fish is still there. Stan hops off the bed and walks to the tank, but is stopped by another body.]'
Stan: MMOOMM!
Sharon: [frantic] What is it, honey? [gasp!] My baby's killed again!
Stan: [points at the body, then holds up his hands] No, mom!
Sharon: [holds him tight] What are we gonna do, baby? What are we gonna do?? [the fish looks on. Sharon drags the body out] I've got such a handsome boy, such a good boy.
Scene Description: Stan then stands at the window. As he looks out, a reflection of Sharon burying the body is seen on the window pane.
Scene Description: '[Almost 8 p.m., Kyle's house. Kyle and Cartman are at table when Kenny comes in]'
Kyle: It's about time, Kenny! Did you bring the pumpkin?
Kenny: (Uh huh!)
Cartman: Well, where is it? [Kenny brings out a squash and sets it on the table] What the hell is that?!
Kenny: (It's the only thing I could afford.)
Cartman: It's all you could afford?! Whoever heard of a squash-o-lantern, Kenny?! That's hella stupid!
Kyle: Stop saying "hella," Cartman! [to Kenny] How are we gonna win the contest with a squash? [as Kyle says this Stan enters the room] Whoa, Stan. You don't look so good.
Stan: [squeezes into Kyle's chair so both fit. Cartman walks to Kenny's chair] I haven't been sleeping so well.
Cartman: [cuts the top off the squash and taps at the bottom to clear it out. Sigh] God, I hate you, Kenny. [works on the squash some more] I have to get another knife; this one's hella dull! [goes into the kitchen for another one]
Kyle: God, will you shut up?!
Stan: Kyle, you know how some people are, like, murderers and stuff?
Kyle: Yeah.
Stan: Do you think animals can be murderers, too?
Kyle: I don't know. [the bearded Cartman comes in with a huge knife] Oh, great. He's got that stupid beard on again.
Cartman: [gives Kenny a hand] No, Kenny. You should cut with the blade facing away from you. You're gonna hurt yourself. Seriously, dude. Isn't this fun, you guys? Carving pumpkins for Halloween? You guys are my best friends Through thick and thin, we've always been together We're four of a kind, havin' fun all day Pallin' around and laughin' away Just best friends, best friends are we. I love you guys. [throughout the song, Kyle and Stan look on with awe]
Scene Description: Next day. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny are at the bus stop. A picture of Barbra in curls is now on all four corners.
Kyle: You seem tired, Stan.
Stan: I haven't been sleeping well.
Kyle: Why?
Stan: My pet goldfish killed another random person last night.
Kyle: Hoh, that sucks, dude.
Cartman: Hey, dudes. Man, it's hella cold out here.
Kyle: Cartman?
Cartman: Who'd you expect? Maury Povich? Golly, you're hella lame!
Stan: What are you doing?!
Cartman: What do you mean, what am I doing?! I'm just standing here. Jesus, mellow out, you guys.
Kyle: You can't be standing there, Cartman.
Cartman: Why the hell not?!
Kyle: Because you're standing over there!
Scene Description: Kenny looks at the bearded Cartman.
Cartman: [seeing his parallel for the first time] Aaah! Son of a bitch!
Evil Cartman: [Cartman walks to him] Wow, you don't see this every day.
Cartman: I can't believe what I'm seeing.
Evil Cartman: It's like I'm looking in a mirror.
Cartman: Dude, this is hella weird.
Scene Description: Sunrise, Stan's house. Officer Barbrady approaches the front door, humming. [He rings the bell]'
Sharon: [answering] Oh. Uh-Officer Barbrady, Woo, wh-what a surprise. What can I do for you?
Officer Barbrady: Well, there's been a report of a few missing people.
Sharon: Is that so?
Officer Barbrady: Yeah. No biggie, but I was wondering if you had seen any of them. [show her some pictures of the missing men]
Sharon: I'd never seen any of those men, Officer Barbrady.
Officer Barbrady: No, I didn't think so. Mind if I look around the back yard, though?
Sharon: [somewhat alarmed] Why would you wanna do that?
Officer Barbrady: Well, I'm checking everyone's back yards. Missing people usually turn up hiding in someone's bushes. May I? [Sharon moves aside and Barbrady enters. They head for the back yard, where five fresh graves await around the clubhouse, and Sparky is pulling a leg out of one of them. Sparky pulls it free and walks away with it] Well, this all looks in- [clunk] oh? Tennis anyone? [falls to the floor unconscious. Sharon had hit him with a pan]
Scene Description: The fourth image of Barbra zooms out and back with a scream, and Sharon is now in the basement.
Sharon: Nobody's going to take my baby away from me! Nobody!
Officer Barbrady: [missing his pants and shoes, his wrists are tied to posts] Okay, Mrs. Marsh, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you a few questions.
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, lunch time. The boys are in the kitchen for their food.
Chef: [excited] Hello there, children! [he is dressed as an African chieftain, complete with reebock skull]
The Boys: Hey, Chef.
Chef: All ready for our Halloween lunch? Today I've got spooooooky spaghetti, with freeeeeaky French fries.
Kyle: Uh, Chef?
Chef: Or haaauuunted hash browns.
Kyle: Chef.
Chef: And a creeeeeepy cookie, and moooooonstrous milk!
Kyle: Chef.
Chef: And a teeeeerrifying napkin!
Kyle: Chef!
Chef: What?!
Kyle: We have problems!
Chef: Well, what's the first problem?
Stan: Chef, I have a goldfish that keeps killing people.
Chef: Oh. Well, uh, don't worry, Stan. I'm sure it'll work out. Now, what's the other problem? [Kyle points to Cartman, but now there are two of him. They blink together.] Oh, nohoho. [rubs his eyes] Oh, DEAR GOD, NO!
Scene Description: Cafeteria dining area. The five boys and Chef are sitting at a table.
Cartman: ...and them I saw them all at the bus stop, and this son of a bitch is standing there!
Evil Cartman: I'm sorry I caused so much trouble. This is all very strange to me, too.
Chef: Exactly what do you remember?
Evil Cartman: Well, I was just standing around, and Stan and Kyle were being really mean, as usual, and Kenny had just bought a new car.
Chef: Of course! That's it!
Stan: What?
Chef: Don't you see, children? This Cartman is from an evil, parallel universe where everything exists as its opposite!
Cartman: He's my evil twin? But he doesn't even look that much like me; he's all fat and stuff. He's hella lying.
Kyle: Will you stop saying that word?!
Stan: Of course! My pet goldfish must be from the evil, opposite universe, too!
Chef: Children, somewhere in South Park, something has created a door to the evil, parallel universe!
Evil Cartman: This is amazing! I can't believe how nice you are, Chef.
Chef: How do you mean?
Evil Cartman: In my world, you're a skinny, white insurance salesman.
Scene Description: Chef's jaw drops.
Scene Description: Stan's house, daytime. The boys enter the living room and Stan places his fish on a small desk next to the sofa. Aunt Flo greets them.
Aunt Flo: [shaking] Ooh, hello, boys. I'm Stan's Aunt Flo.
Kyle: Whoa! What's wrong with your head?! Why are you shaking like that?
Stan: [taps Kyle, then softly] Dude, that's not cool. She's got Parkinson's disease.
Cartman: Ey, sweet! [hops on her lap] Sweeeeeet! Check it out, guys; you don't even have to put a quarter in her.
Stan: Cartman!
Cartman: Dude, this is hella cool.
Stan: Aunt Flo, where did you get this goldfish?
Aunt Flo: Nn-oh. [Cartman hops off and rejoins the boys] I got it from the pet store, Stanley.
Stan: Do you remember what pet store?
Aunt Flo: Let's see. I believe it was called "The Indian Burial Ground Pet Store," just outside of town.
Stan: Where?
Aunt Flo: I know I have the address written down somewhere. [Stan turns and takes Kyle aside] Let me look.
Stan: That's it, dude. We've gotta take the spooky fish back to that pet store.
Cartman: Who's "we"? You got a turd in your pocket? I'm goin' home. I'm hella hungry!
Evil Cartman: I'll help you, Stan.
Cartman: Shut your god-damned mouth, fatass!
Kyle: Dude. Are you sure that fish is a murderer? It seemed like a normal fish to me.
Stan: Just help me take it back. Come on! [walks to Aunt Flo, who's now dead on the floor] Did you find the address, Aunt Flo- Aunt Flo!
Sharon: [rushing in] Oh, Stanley, no! Not Aunt Flo! [holds her hands to her face]
Stan: It was the fish! [points to it]
Sharon: [dragging Aunt Flo, mutters] Oh, what a good baby. What a good son I have. [the fish swims around]
Stan: Now we'll never know where that pet store is!
Kyle: There can't be that many pet stores in South Park, dude. [the fish jumps out and somehow pulls Kenny into the tank head first.]
Stan: Aunt Flo isn't from South Park. The pet store could be anywhere between here and Denver. [Kenny starts to gargle as the fish gives him the blender treatment. The water turns blood red as Kenny spins in the tank]
Kyle: Well, we'd better get working. Cartman, you go home and call all the pet stores in the phone book.
Evil Cartman: Can do!
Cartman: Screw you! [the fish spits Kenny's corpse out of the tank and jumps back in. Kenny's left eye is gone and the water is clear]
Sharon: [returning] It's all taken care of, Stanley- G'oh! [sees Kenny's corpse and reacts frantically. Rats rush in to munch on it] I've got such a good boy, such a handsome boy! [drags Kenny away. The fish looks on]
Stan: [to Kyle] Come on, we're running out of time. [both walk by Randy trying to open a door]
Randy: [turns around] Hey, why is the basement door locked? [turns back and keeps trying]
Scene Description: The Marsh basement. Officer Barbrady is still tied up.
Officer Barbrady: -crack corn and I don't care Jimmy crack corn and I don't care My master's gone away Jimmy crack corn and I don't care
Scene Description: Cartman's house. Both Cartmans are seated on the sofa. Evil Cartman has the phone book, Cartman has a pot pie.
Evil Cartman: I don't see any pet stores called "Indian Burial Ground."
Cartman: Shut up, dude! I'm trying to watch TV!
Announcer: And now, back to the Terrance and Phillip Halloween Special.
Terrance: [both are dressed as ghosts] (Fart)
Phillip: [long pause] That fart was absolutely ghoulish, Terrance. [both pull out little daggers and stab each other as they laugh. Small spurts of blood ensue.]
Cartman: Uh-ho-ho, man, that's hella funny! [slaps his thigh]
Evil Cartman: [looks up] What's so funny about that?
Kitty: Meow.
Cartman: No, Kitty, this is my pot pie!
Mr. Kitty: Meow.
Cartman: No, Kitty, this is my pot pie, Kitty!
Evil Cartman: [picks up Kitty] Who's my kitty? Who's my little kitty? My fluffy little cat. Yeah, that's good, yeah, that's my nice little kitty, yeah. [Kitty is purring loudly, happily now. Cartman is not amused.]
Cartman: NO KITTY, BAD KITTY!!! [Evil Cartman is startled as Kitty jumps away.] Hahaha, you-hoo suck, dude.
Scene Description: Night time, the Marsh house. Stan and Kyle are on the sofa. Sharon enters with another woman.
Sharon: Stanley. Kenny's mother is here. She's wondering if you've seen Kenny.
Carol: [approaches him] You saw him, didn't you? [Sharon mouths and waves "no" to Stan] You saw my boy. [sits down on the sofa between the boys]
Stan: Yeah, my goldfish-.
Sharon: Yeah. Stan just got a new goldfish and he wanted to show it to Kenny but, Kenny never came over.
Carol: [cradling Stan, distraught] My Kenny used to laugh and play. He was eight years old, just like you, my Kenny was.
Stan: I know.
Carol: You've gotta tell me what happened to him! [holds Stan up and throttles him] You have to know something!
Sharon: [intervening] Mrs. McCormick, I'm going to have to ask you to leave! You've been drinking!
Carol: That's right, I'm a little drunk. [Sharon escorts her to the door] You'd be drunk, too, if you'd lost your boy. [Evil Cartman enters as the women reach the door] My Kenny used to sing and dance, eh.
Evil Cartman: [at the sofa] You guys, I found the pet store!
Stan: Come on, let's go! [takes the fish with him and stops before Sharon] Mom, I know you think I did all this, but I'm gonna prove to you it was this fucking fish!
Sharon: I believe you, sweetheart. [Stan goes outside, and she addresses Kyle and Evil Cartman] Run from him, boys. Run and don't stop!
Scene Description: A stormy night, at the pet store. The remains of a covered wagon are next to it. The three boys enter.
Clerk: Can I help you boys?
Stan: I wanna return a fish.
Clerk: [pounds the counter with both fists] Damn it!
Kyle: What?
Clerk: That's the ninth return I've had this week! What's wrong with it? [holds his palms out] Ap! Let me guess. It killed a bunch of people, right?
Stan: Yeah, dude.
Clerk: Damn it! [pounds with the right fist] Just like all the other returns! [the camera pulls back to show them. They all groan and have red, evil eyes. One bird blinks, and its eyes glow]
Kyle: Dude, why is your store called "The Indian Burial Ground Pet Store?"
Clerk: Well, there was an Indian burial ground here before I bought it.
Stan: So you just- built your store on top of an Indian burial ground?
Clerk: Oh, hell no! First I dug up all the bodies, pissed on 'em, then buried them again upside down.
Stan: Why?
Clerk: Why? I don't know. I was drunk.
Stan: We think that when you did that, you opened up a doorway to an evil, parallel universe.
Clerk: Well, that certainly would explain a lot.
Kyle: Like what?
Clerk: Well, like this. [opens a door marked, "Employees Only." A bright, flashing portal appears] I've been wondering what the hell this was.
Scene Description: Stan's house. Randy finally opened the door to the basement and brings down some items.
Officer Barbrady: Hello, Mr. Marsh. Top of the evening to you. [Randy turns to see Officer Barbrady, then rushes up the stairs] Okay, bye, then.
Scene Description: The kitchen. Sharon is preparing cookie dough. Randy enters.
Randy: Sharon?
Sharon: Yes, hon?
Randy: There's a policeman being held captive in our basement.
Sharon: [rolling the dough] Yes, hon. I had to restrain him so he wouldn't find the bodies in the back yard and take our baby away. [begins cutting out cookies in star shapes.]
Randy: [ponders] Why'd you take his pants off? [long pause. Sharon makes more cookies] Sh-sharon, why'd you take his- pants off?
Sharon: [sobs. Randy comes over] Oh, Randy, I just don't know what to do anymore.
Randy: What is it?
Sharon: I just ughhhh, I can't believe that Aunt Flo is gone, that she won't be visiting me ever again.
Randy: Oh. Uh, well, don't- think of it as an end, think of it as a new beginning. Now, could you fill me in on the dead bodies and captive policeman stuff real quick?
Scene Description: Back at the pet store.
Stan: Look, pal. This is very simple. All I want to do is return this fish.
Clerk: I can't give you your money back.
Stan: I don't care, dude! I just want this fish away from me!
Clerk: No! I won't take it back!
Evil Cartman: Listen, friend. You can't sell people pets like this. You have to have a sign that says, "Warning: these fish are from an evil, parallel universe." Now, it's not our fault you disrespected the bodies of this land's native people, but by golly [pounds his right hand with his left fist], you're gonna take this fish back.
Clerk: All right, you win.
Stan: Wow! Thanks, evil Cartman! [the clerk takes the fish from Stan]
Evil Cartman: [turns to face the clerk again] And sir, can I make a suggestion? [the clerk looks at him] Move your store, and let these great people of the Wampanoag rest in peace.
Kyle: You kick ass, evil Cartman!
Stan: Yeah!
Kyle: You know what I like best about you? You don't say, "hella," like our Cartman does. I swear, if he says that one more time, I'm gonna kill him! [the boys exit the store, and the skies are clear]
Evil Cartman: No, Kyle. Murder is never an answer. [the clerk puts the fish up on a shelf and the employee door opens, the doorway glowing brightly]
Clerk: [recoils] What the-? [two figures appear: Evil Stan and Evil Kyle]
Evil Stan: He was here! Cartman was just here!
Clerk: Who are you?
Evil Kyle: We're looking for Cartman. The trail ended here. Where is he?
Clerk: I don't know who you mean?
Evil Kyle: [pulls out a big bat] Maybe this will jog your memory! [starts releasing the evil returns by bashing in the cages]
Clerk: No! Stop! You don't know what you're doing! Those pets are evil!
Scene Description: Several identical images of Barbra flash through space, one of them towards the camera, and the boys are walking down Main Street.
Stan: I'm sure glad that's over with. Now I can sleep at night.
Evil Cartman: Hey, you guys. We still have time to enter the pumpkin-carving contest.
Kyle: Hey, yeah! I almost forgot.
Evil Cartman: Come on! I bet that together we can make the best pumpkin ever!
Stan: You know, evil Cartman? I like you a lot better than our Cartman.
Kyle: Yeah, you're cool. And you don't say "hella."
Evil Cartman: Yuh, thanks, you guys. I certainly like you a lot more than in my evil, parallel universe. [the boys turn to see a man attacked by two dogs, a cat, two ducks, and a vulture]
Scene Description: The boys resume walking].
Kyle: Dude, where are we going to find a pumpkin to carve?
Evil Cartman: Let's use Kenny's squash.
Stan: Yeah. You know, I never thought it was such a bad, little squash. It just needs some tender, loving care.
Scene Description: Cartman's house. Cartman is watching TV in the dark. Onscreen, Phillip is in a cemetery standing next to a tombstone that might be Terrance's, and has three roses in his hand.
Terrance: [as a ghost, walks up to Phillip] Boo!
Phillip: [jumps up] Aaaaagh!
Cartman: Aw, man, this movie is hella scary. [click. The front door flies open and Evil Stan and Evil Kyle burst in]
Evil Stan: Aha! There you are, Cartman!
Cartman: P'h. Nice costume, you guys. You spent about a buck fifty on those?
Evil Kyle: We're here to take you back, Goody Two-Shoes!
Cartman: Oh? I've got a better idea. Why don't you two go fuck yourselves?
Evil Stan: [he and Evil Kyle look at each other, then] Hey! What's wrong with you, Cartman?
Cartman: What's wrong with me? Let's see. Uum. [checks them off] I hate you guys. You're hella stupid.
Evil Kyle: [he and Evil Stan go over to grab him] Come on, Mr. Wholesome! We're taking you back to our universe!
Cartman: Don't touch me! [punches Evil Stan, who releases him]
Evil Stan: What the hell's goin' on?! Cartman never hits us!
Evil Kyle: Hall right! Just stand there, Cartman! This gingerification gun will send you back to our universe!
Cartman: Oh, right! You guys are from the evil, parallel universe?!
Evil Stan: Yes!
Cartman: Oh, it's about freakin' time you showed up! You don't want me, you want that impostor Cartman! Come on, I'll show you. [leads them out the door]
Scene Description: At the Pumpkin Carving Contest. Mayor McDaniels is dressed as a Puritan woman. Johnson holds a ball on a platter. They are on stage, which is adorned with two spiderwebs and a bat in each one.
Mayor McDaniels: And the winner is: Squash-O-Lantern, by Stan Marsh, Kyle Broflovski, and the evil Eric Cartman from the parallel universe! "The Winning Entry! Squash in cobweb, amid a tiny graveyard and flanked by four tiny bats"
Stan: [the crowd cheers] We won, dude!
Evil Cartman: Hooray!
Mayor McDaniels: You boys win the Halloween Chocolate Ball!
Evil Cartman: Oh, no! [spots Cartman, Evil Stan and Evil Kyle] Stan and Kyle have come to take my back to my world, and I don't wanna go back!
Stan: Don't worry, Evil Cartman. You're staying with us! [the two groups face each other]
Cartman: [to Evil Kyle] Now, zap his hella ass back to your- hella universe!
Kyle: Stop saying "hella," Cartman!
Evil Stan: [to Evil Cartman] Thought you could get away from us, huh, Cartman?!
Evil Cartman: [pleading] Please!
Kyle: Leave him alone, butthole!
Evil Kyle: Shut your trap, kid!
Stan: Why don't you guys take our Cartman back? He's more like you anyway.
Cartman: Ey, you backstabbin' sellout!
Evil Stan: It's time, Cartman! Prepare for gingerification! [sets the gun]
Evil Cartman: Well, good-bye, you guys. It's been fun. [Stan and Kyle look down. The evil pets return to South Park and start attacking the townsfolk. They scream as they are being attacked.]
Mayor McDaniels: Oh, what now?!
Kyle: It's the evil pets [the attack continues, and a vulture knocks the gingerification gun out of Evil Stan's hands.]
Evil Stan: The gingerification gun!
Stan: [picks it up] Get to the stage! [Stan, Kyle, and Evil Cartman rush up. Stan's spooky fish attacks a man and kills him]
Sharon: [seeing what just happened] Oh, dear. It really was Stan's fish that killed those people!
Evil Stan: [all six boys are on stage] Give me that gun, kid!
Stan: Up yours, evil twin! [zaps him back to the evil, parallel universe.]
Evil Stan: [shrinks as Evil Kyle watches] Noooooo! [vanishes]
Evil Kyle: [zapped, he shrinks too] Noooooo! [vanishes]
Cartman: All right, now you can try to send this Bozo through and the whole mess'll be over with!
Stan: Sorry Cartman. We like Evil Cartman better. See ya. [takes aim]
Cartman: What?!
Kyle: We can't deal with you saying "hella" anymore, Cartman! You're going to the other universe! [Cartman takes on Evil Cartman, and both wrestle. Cartman rips off Evil Cartman's mustache and beard, and kicks him. Both of them then stand up, indistinguishable. Stan pulls the gingerification gun back]
Kyle: Which one is the good Cartman?
Both Cartmans: I am!
Stan: Stop wasting time, Cartman! We have to send one of you back to the evil universe!
Kyle: Yeah! Now, which one of you is the Cartman we can't stand?!
Both Cartmans: [pointing to the other one] He is!
Cartman on Left: Time is running out. You'll have to destroy us both.
Cartman on Right: What?!
Cartman on Left: It's the only way you can be sure. We have to both go, for the good of the world.
Cartman on Right: [Stan zaps him] Noooo! Screw you guys! [disappears]
Cartman on Left: How did you guys know?
Stan: Our Cartman would never say anything like that.
Cartman: Haaa hahaha! You guys are hella stupid! I knew you would fall for that!
Kyle: Oh no, dude!
Stan: You tricked us, Cartman!
Cartman: That's right, I did! You guys are hella stupid You guys are hella lame You guys are hella dumb Hella hella hella!
Kyle: Damn it!
Scene Description: On the street, Randy walks with Officer Barbrady. The evil pets are still attacking the townsfolk.
Randy: I'm sorry my wife held you captive, officer. She's been upset 'cause her Aunt Flo isn't gonna visit her anymore.
Officer Barbrady: Oh, I understand. I remember when my wife stopped getting her monthly visitor.
Randy: Uuuh, do you want your pants back?
Officer Barbrady: No. Just leave me with my dignity. [turns around and walks into the crowd] Okay, people, move along. Nothing to see here.
Scene Description: '[End of "Spooky Fish." Cartman sings "Best Friends"]'


Scene Description: The Marsh house. The family is in the living room.
Sharon: The answer is "no", Stanley!
Stan: But Mom, all the guys are going to Cartman's Grandma's for the weekend!
Sharon: I'm sorry, Stanley, I can't let you go all the way to Nebraska by yourself. It's the holidays.
Stan: But all the other guys get to go to Cartman's Grandma's; why can't I?
Sharon: I'll leave it up to your father.
Randy: [shrugs] Eh, it's fine with me.
Sharon: [ignoring him] The answer is no, Stanley! Now go wash up for supper!
Stan: I don't want your lame-ass supper!
Shelly: Ew! You're gonna get it now.
Sharon: [pointing to her right] Go to your room, Stanley! Right now! [Randy's angry now. Stan walks to his room and shuts the door]
Stan: [retrieving a backpack from his closet] Can't tell me what to do! I'm eight years old! [goes to his window, opens it, and stands on the sill] I don't need this stupid family anyway! [drops to the ground outside and leaves]
Scene Description: Outside the Cartman house. Liane is packing the boys' gear into her station wagon. Kyle's parents and Kenny's parents are seeing them off.
Sheila: It's so nice of you to take all the boys with you.
Liane: Oh, it's my pleasure. Eric loves his little friends.
Cartman: [to Kyle] Every time I go to my Grandma's house, she gives me a present. You watch: as soon as I walk in the door she'll hand me a big present, for no reason, except that I'm cool.
Kyle: That's nice, Cartman.
Stuart: [on bended knee, to Kenny] Now, remember, if they have left-over turkey, put some in a bag and bring it home, okay?
Kenny: (Okay.)
Stan: [walking up] Okay, let's go!
Cartman: Oh, I didn't think you were coming, Stan.
Stan: 'Course I'm coming! Come on, let's hurry!
Sheila: [Kyle walks away] Goodbye, bubbe! Be careful!
Stuart: [waving to Kenny] See you in a couple of days, son.
Cartman: [rushing past Kyle, who joins Stan on the back seat] Shotgun! It's my car, I call it first: shotgun! [opens the door, only to find Kenny already there. They look at each other] Kenny, I called it shotgun! [Kenny stares back] Dammit, Kenny, get in the back! [Kenny moves not. Cartman points to the right] Hey, Kenny, there's a sale on orange jackets over there. [no movement. Cartman points to the road] Look, Kenny, there's an elephant parade! [Kenny is not moved. Cartman reaches into his pocket and pulls out a dollar] Ken-ny. Kenny, look. Look! Go get it! [throws the bill away], Go get it! [Kenny hops out and Cartman jumps in] ha ha ha, you poor piece of crap. [Kenny gets the bill and hops into the back seat. Lo and behold, there is an elephant parade, with clowns and jugglers and... Liane drives off]
Stan: So, how far is it to Nebraska?
Liane: Around six hours.
Kyle: Oh my God! What the hell are we gonna do for six hours?
Liane: Well, I've got an idea. We could sing.
Stan: Yeah. Or, we could not.
Cartman: Let's sing that one Grandma song, Ma. How does it go?
Liane: Over the meadow and through the woods
Liane and Cartman: To Grandmother's house we go The horse knows the way to carry the sleigh Through white and drifted snow...
Scene Description: 4 HOURS LATER.
Liane and Cartman: Over the meadow and through the woods To Grandmother's house we go The horse knows the way to carry the sleigh
Kyle: Please stop.
Liane and Cartman: Through white and drifted snow
Kyle: [insistent] Please stop!
Liane and Cartman: Over the meadow and through the woods, To Grandmother's house we go
Cartman: [Kyle angrily kicks him into the dashboard] Argh!
Liane: Ooo, careful hon. These roads are bumpy.
Cartman: [rubbing his nose] I guess, damn! [some traffic is seen]
Liane: Here we go, kids. We're crossing the state line into Nebraska. [Stan and Kyle go to Kenny's window to check it out. The first sign they see says, "Now leaving Colorful Colorado," on a mountain background with rainbow. The scenery changes abruptly from snow-covered mountains to fields of wheat. Once they pass the state line they see "You are now in NEBRASKA. ...Sorry." Nothing is seen on the horizon]
Stan: This is Nebraska?
Kyle: What's all that stuff?
Liane: Wheat. The building block of your favorite foods, and, Nebraska's principal source of economic productivity. You see, when Nebraska first became-
Cartman: We don't care, Mom.
Kyle: Hey, look! [enunciating a billboard] See Mr. Hankey at the Mall of Nebraska... Wow! We have to go, dude!
Stan: [now seated] Dude, I thought Mr. Hankey lived in the sewer. What's he doing in Nebraska?
Kyle: [now seated] I don't know. Ever since he was in that movie, he got all famous.
Cartman: Oh, so now everybody wants to meet Mr. Hankey! He's a piece of crap.
Kyle: It doesn't matter. He'll be most excited to meet me!
Liane: That shouldn't be a problem. Eric's Grandma is right near the mall.
Kyle: Cool!
Cartman: How much further is it to Grandma's house? I wanna see what kind of present she got me.
Liane: About another hour, hon.
Cartman: Why does Grandma have to live so far away? Why don't we just stick her in a nursing home closer to us so [angrily] I don't have to drive six hours to get a god-damned present?!
Liane: Now, Eric, let's try to get out of that grumpy mood before we get to Grandma's.
Liane and Cartman: Over the meadow and through the woods
Liane and Cartman: To Grandmother's house we go
Kyle: Oh, God! [Stan is dejected]
Liane and Cartman: The horse knows the way to carry the sleigh Through white and drifted snow...
Scene Description: Later... Cartman's Grandma's house. Cartman's singing is heard approaching.
Cartman: Over the meadow and through the woods...
Liane: [stops the car] Here we are. [the boys pour out]
Kyle: Jesus Christ, finally!
Cartman: [runs to the front door] Grandmagrandmagrandmagrandma! [knocks, rubs his hands together, and an elderly man opens the door. The boys come up behind Cartman]
Man: Oh, it's little Eric!
Cartman: Hi, Grandpa!
Grandpa: Look at how big you've gotten!
Grandma: Hi, Eric. Grandma got you a present.
Cartman: Sweet. What is it?
Grandma: It's inside.
Cartman: Yes! Move it! [shoves Grandma off the porch. She screams on the way down]
Liane: [now inside with the boys] Hello everyone. Happy Holidays!
Everyone: [seven people] Hello!
Liane: These are Eric's friends: Stan, Kyle, and Kenny. Boys, let me introduce you to the Cartman family. This is Uncle Stinky.
Uncle Stinky: [brown curly hair, goatee, Fu Manchu mustache] Nice to have you heuh.
Liane: Aunt Lisa, Cousin Fred, Cousin Alexandra [not shown], Fat Bob, Jimmy [bulldog], and great-grandma Florence. [with walker]
Florence: [Kyle recoils as she approaches the boys] Come here, Eric. Give your great-grandma some huggies. [grabs Kyle and lifts him up]
Kyle: Agghh!
Liane: No, no, Florence, that's not Eric.
Florence: [releases Kyle] Oh, which one is he, then?
Stan: [pointing] He's the fat one.
Grandma: He's not fat, he's big-boned.
Cartman: [in sync] I'm not fat, I'm big-boned. Ech.
Kyle: [to Stan] That was totally gross. She smelled like vitamins and pee.
Stan: Sick, dude.
Cartman: Al-righty then. Let's get to my presents, shall we?
Grandma: Here you go, Eric. Hap-py Holidays! [He gleefully rips it open]
Cartman: [not pleased] Wait a minute. This isn't a present, it's a shirt! [lifts it out]
Grandma: Yes. I thought that would look really good on you.
Cartman: [really upset] Are you telling me that I drove nine hours through butt-fucking nowhere to get a god-damned shirt?! Mom, Grandma's gone senile! It's time to stick her in a home!
Scene Description: The dining room. The thirteen are seated around it. The TV is at the foot of the table, on its own chair.
Grandpa: Well, this is what the holidays are about. Family.
Stan: [dissenting] Yeah, right!
Grandpa: Well, what does your family do for the holidays, Stan?
Stan: My family's dead! [Uncle Stinky, a baby, and Aunt Lisa gasp.]
Liane: [turns to him, hand to lips] Ooh, I'm sorry to hear that, Stanley.
Kyle: Dude, your family died?
Stan: They're dead to me. My mom doesn't even know I'm here.
Kyle: What?!
Cartman: I can't believe I got a stupid shirt! [he didn't have to wear it...] The holidays are bullcrap!
Liane: Here, Kyle. Will you hold Great-Grandma's catheter bag during dinner? [places it in front of him]
Kyle: What is this??
Liane: [in his ear] Great-grandma has a bladder problem. This helps her out.
Kyle: [eyes shut] Sick, dude!
Liane: [now seated] Eric, did you say 'hi' to your little cousin Elvin?
Cartman: [flatly] Hi, cousin Elvin.
Elvin: [the baby, sucking on a Fudgecicle] Sweet.
Grandpa: [tapping knife on wine glass] Well, it certainly is nice we could all gather heuh for the holidays. Even Uncle Howard has joined us live via satellite from the state penitentiary. [the TV screen shows Uncle Howard at his own table, with a small meal]
Kyle: Whoa, dude! [Stan is surprised]
Grandma: You look good, Howard.
Howard: No I don't!
Liane: Hi, Howard.
Stan: [to Cartman] Dude, is he here every year like this?
Cartman: Yup!
Elvin: [tosses his Fudgecicle at the TV, and it slides down the screen] Sweet.
Kyle: [Great-Grandma urinates into the bag. He grimaces] Aaww!
Howard: Come on, let's eat already! They gave me extra bread and water!
Grandma: Where's your manners, Howard? We haven't even said grace yet. Mom, will you do the honors of saying grace?
Florence: God-damn it, why the hell do I always have to say grace? If one more person asks me to say grace, I'll be like, "Eh! I'm not saying grace! And if you ask me again, I'll kick you square [jabs the fork in the air] in the nuts!"
Cartman: Amen. [his feelings exactly]
All: Ah-men. [all dig into the food. Bits and pieces being to fly everywhere]
Kyle: [watching the mess] Jesus, dude! [Kenny stuffs his food into a paper bag, and Jimmy growls longingly]
Grandpa: No, Jimmy, this is my pot pie! [Jimmy growls] No, Jimmy! That's a bad Jimmy!
Cartman: Bad Jimmy!
Grandma: No, Jimmy, that's Grandpa's pot pie! [Stan and Kyle stare in awe. Jimmy growls, and a hail of "No, Jimmy! That's a bad Jimmy!"s descends on him]
Stan: Dude, I don't know how long I can stay here.
Kyle: I know what you mean. [Kenny packs the last of his meal away]
Scene Description: Night time. The boys are asleep in the basement.
Kyle: [jumps up] Arrggh! [Stan wakes up]
Stan: What, dude? [Cartman wakes up]
Kyle: Dude, I was having this horrible nightmare that we were at this house, and it was filled with Cartmans!
Stan: Kyle, we are in a house filled with Cartmans.
Kyle: Oh. Arrggh! [thump. Kenny's awake. More sounds, of breaking glass.]
Stan: What was that?
Kyle: I heard it, too.
Cartman: Whatever it is, it's getting closer. [Stan pinches him] Ow! What the hell was that for!
Stan: I wanted to make sure we're not dreaming. [Kyle walks behind Stan and punches Cartman]
Cartman: Ow!
Kyle: [moving back to his sleeping bag] I wanted to make sure, too.
Cartman: Yuhwell, you're not dreaming! [Kenny flies at him with a punch] Ey! Cut the crap!
Kyle: Dude, it's coming through the window! [the window flies open and light streams in. A fat figure jumps in and the kids scream. Cartman goes for the light switch and the light goes on. A surprised prison escapee is what he sees]
Cartman: Uncle Howard!
Uncle Howard: Oh. Hey, Eric. I didn't think anybody'd be down here.
Cartman: Uncle Howard, what are you doing here?!
Stan: We thought you were in jail.
Howard: Yeah, well I'b I busted out. [shows off the broken cuff chain]
Cartman: Wow, cool!
Howard: Sshhhh! You can't let the rest of the family know I'm here.
Cartman: Okay.
Howard: If it's okay, we're just gonna hang out here for a couple of days with you kids.
Cartman: Who's we? You got a turd in your pocket? Hahahaha.
Howard: [turning to the window] Come on up, it's okay. [another man pops up and makes his was in] Another inmate busted out with me. Don't worry, he's a good guy.
Inmate: [turns around] Oh, hi boys. I'm Charlie. Charlie Manson. [the boys express some shock, but then fall silent]
Scene Description: The next day. Manson looks out the window.
Manson: I can't wait to get out among the pigs [turns to Howard] and raise some hell.
Howard: All right, Chuck, but we gotta lay low for a while.
Manson: When I stand up on the mountain and say, "Do it!", it gets done! And it it don't get done, then I'll move on it! And that's the last thing in the world you want me to do.
Howard: All right, Chuck. Let's watch some TV or something. [Manson sits before the TV and turns it on.]
Announcer: Now back to, "It's A Wonderful Life".
George Bailey: You-oo you just can't buy people, Mr. Potter, wuh. Why, you know what you are? You're a little bitch. [Potter looks up] That's right, you're a bitch, and I bet you'd like to suck it, wouldn't you?
Stan: [snaps his fingers] Wake up, Cartman, we've got to get to the mall.
Cartman: [waking] What?
Kyle: We have to go see Mr. Hankey at the mall, Cartman.
Cartman: [putting his coat on over his BEEFCAKE muscle shirt] All right, keeps your pants on.
Howard: Hey, bring us down some food, all right?
Cartman: [follows the boys up the stairs] Okay. [puts on his cap]
Scene Description: The living room. Football is on.
Stinky: [eating popcorn] Come on, Team!
Cartman: Can somebody drive us to the mall?
Announcer: Touchdown!
The Adults: Yeah!
Cartman: [insistent] Hello, Mr. Hankey is appearing at the mall. Can somebody please take us?
Announcer: And these Cornhuskers have the ball on the 50-yard line!
Cartman: [pops up in front of Stinky] Uncle Stinky, can you drive us to the mall?
Stinky: Not now, Eric. [notices a play] Hold him! He has him! Where's the flag?!
Cartman: Uncle Stinky, my stupid friends want to see Mr. Hankey! You have to take us!
Stinky: I said "no," and I mean "no!" Respect my authorituh!
Cartman: [leaves grumbling] Damn his Goddamned authorituh!
Announcer: With only 16 seconds left, the Cornhu-
Scene Description: SPECIAL REPORT.
Reporter: We interrupt this broadcast for a news bulletin.
Stinky: What?!
Reporter: ["NEBRASKA NEWS"] Mass murderer and extremely nasty person Charles Manson has escaped from prison! Manson was the man responsible for seven murders in the late '60's. Manson has never shown any signs of remorse for his crimes. If you see Manson, please kick his ass and smash his fucking face in for me, and then call the police. And now back to the game.
Announcer: And they've done it! They've scored 16 unanswered points in 15 seconds! [NEB 23, ARK 16]
The Adults: Oh, weak!
Grandma: [the boys walk past her] Eric, I need you to take care of your cousin Elvin for a while.
Cartman: I don't wanna take care of Cousin Elvin!
Grandma: Won't yo do it for Grandma?
Cartman: All right. Give me $10. [she reaches into her purse and gives it to him]
Elvin: [licking another Fudgecicle] Kick ass!
Scene Description: The basement. Manson is still watching the TV.
George Bailey: Oh, Mary. Mary, you're real!
Howard: Chuck, can you turn that thing down?
George Bailey: Hello, movie house! ["Gone With The Wind" is playing there] Hello, burger parlor!
Manson: You know what the spirit of Christmas is? It's another lie, from the lyin' pigs that consider me the witness-!
Howard: Okay, Chuck! Thank you very much!
Cartman: [coming down the stairs with his friends and Elvin] My family sucks ass!
Kyle: Yeah, they do!
Stan: All families suck ass!
Cartman: Here. We got you some sticky cinnamon buns. [hands the bag to Howard]
Howard: [digging in] Wow, sweet!
Manson: Heyyy!
Kyle: Dude, we have to get to the mall!!
Elvin: You guys, seriously!
Howard: What's the matter?
Cartman: My stupid friends want to go to the mall to visit Mr. Hankey, but nobody would drive us.
Howard: Oh, bummer.
Manson: I'll take you! [a heavy note sounds]
Howard: Uh, that's okay, Chuck. You just keep watching Christmas specials.
Manson: Hey, I didn't bust out of prison to be locked up in somebody's basement! I want some action!
Kyle: Good for you, Charlie!
Manson: [to Cartman] Come on! I'll hot-wire your Grandpa's car!
Stan: Do you really think we should go with this guy?
Cartman: Stan, don't be such a dumbass. You have to trust people. [walks away]
Scene Description: Outside. The boys, Manson, and Elvin head for the station wagon.
Manson: All right, boys, keep your heads down! [they get into the wagon, Manson hot-wires it, and steps on the gas] We're goin' to the mall!
Boys: Hooray!
Scene Description: South Park, the Marsh house.
Sharon: I just can't believe he would go without our permission!
Randy: Now, Sharon, don't overreact. Maybe Stan didn't go to Cartman's Grandmother's. Maybe he just ran away or got kidnapped or something.
Sharon: Well, I hope for his sake you're right. [calls Liane]
Liane: Hello?
Sharon: Hello, Ms. Cartman. It's Sharon, Stan's mother. Did Stanley go up there to Nebraska with you?
Liane: Oh, why yes he did. I thought you were dead, Sharon.
Sharon: Wwhat?!
Liane: Stanley told me you had passed on. I'm glad to see that you're better.
Sharon: [irate. Shelly is now present] Get the car, Randy! We're going to Nebraska!
Shelly: Ooooo, Stan's in trouble!
Scene Description: Mall of Nebraska.
Kyle: [jumping up and down to get a better look] Do you see him?
Stan: Not yet. I think we still have a ways to go.
Kyle: I can't wait to see him! [a kid looks back] He's gonna be so glad we came!
Kid: I drove all the way from Montana to see Mr. Hankey.
Kyle: That's nice, kid. I knew Mr. Hankey before he was even famous.
Cartman: How the hell did Mr. Hankey get so popular? Look at all this Mr. Hankey stuff. [a display is seen of Mr. Hankey caps, T-shirts, cups, figurines, and posters]
Elvin: Mr. Hankey kicks ass!
Cartman: And another thing: it says that Mr. Hankey is also appearing at the Crossroads Mall!
Kyle: So?!
Cartman: So, how can Mr. Hankey be here, and in another mall at the same time?
Kyle: Dude, Mr. Hankey has magic powers. He can do whatever he wants. [Charlie Manson and Kenny stare at each other. The line moves up]
Manson: [to Kenny] How would you like to come with me to a more secluded part of the mall?
Kenny: (Okay) [they walk off]
Stan: I really like that guy.
Cartman: Oh, it looks like you finished your Fudgecicle, Elvin. [Elvin looks at his hands and sees nothing to lick, then begins to cry] God damnit, be quiet, Elvin! Shut up, Elvin! [grabs a stick and whacks him on the back of the head. Elvin is now catatonic, but manages a blink] No, Elvin, bad Elvin! [seeing that Elvin is not responding, he looks around]
Scene Description: Sweet Box, your music box headquarters. Manson and Kenny are looking around.
Manson: [explaining things to Kenny] Folks need to understand that I am terror! I am fear! I am-! Oh, hey look, another holiday special.
Voice-over: And now, back to "The Grinchy Poo" [a shot of Grinchy Poo stealing a decorated tree]
Narrator: Grinchy Poo went up the chimney and stuffed the tree up But then he heard a coo, like the cry of a dove It was little Cindy Lou Poo, who was no more than two "Mr. Hankey, why? Why are you taking our Christmas tree, why?" And Old Grinchy Poo thought of a line, and he thought it up quick...
Scene Description: Lollyland. a mall worker dressed as a Hankey elf, covered in Hankey kisses, approaches the boys.
Hankey Elf: All right, boys, you're up next. Welcome to Mr. Hankey's Happy Lollyland! [voice dripping with bitterness]
Kyle: [elated] Hoh, boy. Here we go!
Mall Hankey: Howdy ho, boys.
Stan: [after a pause] Mr. Hankey? [his elves lift the boys onto Hankey's lap]
Mall Hankey: Gosh, you boys smell like flowers.
Kyle: You're not the real Mr. Hankey.
Mall Hankey: Sure I am! Howdy ho!
Stan: You look a lot bigger than the last time we saw you.
Mall Hankey: Well, Mr. Hankey has to grow too, you know. Howdy ho!
Hankey Elf: You boys want your picture with Mr. Hankey?
Kyle: This is not Mr. Hankey! [a picture is taken] This is a fake! [gasps from other kids and adults. A boy cries]
Mall Hankey: It's okay, kids. I'm real. Hoowwdy ho!
Kids: [a crowd now, they wave back] Hoowwdy ho!
Kyle: Why are you people doing this? Why would you lie like this? To children?
Mall Hankey: [softly] Look, kid. There's Mr. Hankeys like me in every shopping mall. There is no real Mr. Hankey.
Kyle: [insulted] What?! What did you say?!
Stan: Oh, boy. You've done it now.
Mall Hankey: Huh??
Kyle: [stands and rips off the mall Hankey's helmet] Behold! Here's your false prophet!
Kids: [gasp] Boo! [throw plastic Hankey's at the mall Hankey]
Mall Hankey: Ow!
Kids: Die!
Mall Hankey: Ow!
Kid 1: Get out! [the kids rush the chair and attack Hankey and his elves]
Kids: [background] You son of a bitch! Rip it down! Get out!
Girl: You lied to me, Mother. You said it was the real Mr. Hankey.
Mother: Uh, well, yes, but-
Girl: I will not forget this, Mother. I will not forget this, ever. [turns and walks away]
Kid: This is revolution! [more rioting. Two kids prepare a Molotov cocktail. The blond kid lights it, the one in yellow-trimmed blue cap chucks it at the Lollyland setup. It goes up in flames]
Mall Hankey: [getting out of the way] Wah-hahow!
Security Guard 1: Uh oh, they're rioting again. [the other guard raises an eyebrow. Three kids smash a bench into an electronics store window. Two of them take a TV and the third goes further inside]
Scene Description: Back at the Sweet Box...
Narrator: And all the poos down in Pooville joined hands and they sang They sang all the same And he himself, the Grinchy Poo, carved the roast poo.
Manson: [pleased with the special] Wow, man. That's beautiful. He was evil, but now he's good. [Kenny looks at him]
Scene Description: At what was Lollyland. A battering ram comes through a wall and everyone scatters. Police in riot gear pour in behind it.
Officer 1: What's happening?
Officer 2: Some kid must have said it wasn't the real Mr. Hankey again. [the kids and the officers race at each other and do battle. Brimmy leaves this graffiti on the wall: "No more lies!" and runs away. Am officer gives chase. Another officer pumps a tear gas canister into the crowd and the kids fall from the resulting gas]
Cartman: [the boys regroup] I told you guys. The holiday season is nothing but lies and bullcrap!
Manson: [arriving] Well, how was it?
Kyle: It was a fake!
Manson: Oh, I'm sorry.
Kyle: Cartman was right! The holiday season is for idiots!
Stan: Where did you go, Uncle Charlie?
Manson: Uh, I went to a beauty parlor and had my tattoo redone. [a happy face replaced the swastika] Look!
Cartman: Oh, uh that's pretty cool.
Stan: Hey. Where's Kenny?
Manson: Oh. He's... around.
Kenny: [arriving] (Hey, you guys. I'm right here.)
Stan: Oh, hey Kenny.
Manson: Come on, I'll buy you kids an orange Smoothie.
The Boys: Ooooo!
Officer: Hey, there he is! That's Charlie Manson! [the officer rush towards him]
Manson: Run for your lives, boys! [no time for a Smoothie. All head for the mall doors and rush out to the station wagon]
Cartman: [outside, falling behind with Elvin] Ugh! Wait! You guys. Seriously. [the officers follow]
Officer: Come back here, God damnit! [Manson and the boys get in the station wagon and Manson backs up all the way to the highway, jumping the curb] He's getting away! [the officers get into their cars and pursue Manson]
Manson: Keep your heads down, kids! [an officer fires into the wagon and the back window breaks]
Cartman: Ey! What the hell is wrong with you people?!
Kyle: I can't believe they would put a fake Mr. Hankey in a mall! If Mr. Hankey ever found out, he'd be so pissed!
Scene Description: Grandma's house. A news bulletin is heard.
Announcer: We interrupt this program for a breaking news story.
Reporter: A high speed car chase is happening right now on interstate 3. We go now to our live sky-fi helicopter.
Sky-fi Reporter: Ron, it looks as though the chase is proceeding west down the interstate.
Grandma: Oh, that looks a lot like your car, Harold.
Sky-fi Reporter: We understand that Charles Manson is inside the car with several hostages, all of whom are children [Manson sideswipes another car, which loses control and stops. The police drive around it] My God, what is this world coming to? Well, we'd like to take a moment to tell you that this car chase is being brought to you by Snacky S'mores [a beaver roasting one appears], the creamy bonbon s'mores in a delightful cookie crunch.
Scene Description: The highway. More shots taken at the wagon.
Manson: They're gaining on us! [more shots, and Elvin tosses his Fudgecicle out]
Officer: Fudgecicle! [swerves to avoid it. Two other patrol cars jump over his and burst into flame upon landing]
Elvin: Kickass! [other cars take up the pursuit and fire at Manson]
Kyle: God, I hate the holiday season! [more shots]
Scene Description: Manson pulls into Grandma's driveway. Grandma stands outside.
Grandma: [the kids rush past her] Oh, hello kids. Having fun-?
Manson: Get in the house!
Grandma: Alrighty, then. [walks in as the cops pull up]
Cartman: Lock the door! [Terrance and Phillip are on]
Big Blonde: Oh my God, it's Charlie Manson! Whoa!
Harold: What's going on?
Stan: There's a bunch of policemen chasing after us!
Stinky: Quiet down, we're watching television. [Terrance and Phillip laugh]
Terrance: Oh, Phillip, what a precious gift! [opens it]
Phillip: That's right, Terrance. This is the season for sharing. [farts on the gift, and both laugh]
Howard: [appears with rifle in hand] The cops are here!
Grandma: Howard!
Harold: How did you get out, son?
Scene Description: Outside. The officers have hunkered down.
Police Chief: [on the bullhorn] All right, Manson, we know you're in there! Come out peacefully, and we'll shoot you!
Officer: [whispers into the chief's ear] Tell him we won't shoot him, Boss.
Police Chief: [whispers back] Oh, yeah. That's a good idea. [on the bullhorn] Come out peacefully, and we won't shoot you! [Howard and Grandma peek out]
Grandma: Oh, look. Police Chief Stevens got a new haircut.
Howard: [points the rifle at her] Get down, Ma!
Manson: Hey, man, don't point a gun at your own mother!
Howard: What the hell is wrong with you, Manson? You're acting all funny! Everybody just sit down and shut up! We're not going back to the big house!
Harold: Well, Howard, you've done it again! You've ruined Christmas!
Scene Description: Outside Grandma's house. The press shows up.
Field Reporter: This is Robert Pooner reporting live from Nebraska, where escaped convict Charlie Manson has walled himself up in a house. [the camera zooms in on Grandma's house] We understand that there are hostages, and that the situation is critical, [zoom out], so we would like to remind you all that this live hostage crisis is being brought to you by Palmoral Sun Block [SPF 200]. Remember, if it isn't Palmoral, you're gonna get cancer.
Scene Description: Off camera, the Marshes drive up and get out. Sharon approaches the police.
Sharon: What's going on here?!
Chief Stevens: We've got a critical situation, ma'am. Charlie Manson is holding everybody inside hostage.
Sharon: Is this the Cartman residence?
Chief Stevens: Yes, ma'am.
Sharon: Give me that! [grabs the bullhorn and] Stanley! This is your mother!
Scene Description: Inside
Stan: Oh ooh.
Kyle: What's your mom doing here, dude?
Sharon: [outside] Young man, I have had it! You have disobeyed me for the last time! [Grandma, Howard and Manson look out the window. They turn to face Stan.]
Howard: Wow, she's really pissed.
Manson: [pointing] I'm glad I'm not you right now, kid.
Scene Description: Outside.
Sharon: What do you have to say for yourself, Stanley?!
Stan: [from inside the house] ...Sorry.
Robert Pooner: Still more developments in the Manson hostage crisis. Uh, it appears now that eight-year-old Stan Marsh [picture shown] is in BIG, big trouble. He apparently disobeyed his parents, left home without telling them, and uh, Tom, his- his mother is very disappointed with him.
Howard: Damn it! What are we gonna do?
Florence: Sshhhh! We're watching television.
Scene Description: Terrance and Phillip are teasing a reindeer with a red nose - Rudolph. Terrance runs up and farts on its face, and the deer flinches. Terrance runs back as both men laugh.
Phillip: [running up] Waitwaitwaitwait. [farts on Rudolph's rear and runs back laughing]
Terrance: [running up] Check out this one. [farts on Rudolph's face and runs back laughing]
Phillip: [running up] Hold on, hold on. Over here, over here. [farts on Rudolph's rear and runs back laughing]
Terrance: [running up] Okay, here I come, okay. [farts on Rudolph's face and runs back laughing]
Phillip: [running up] Okay, waitwait waitwait. [farts on Rudolph's rear and runs back laughing]
Scene Description: The living room.
Chief Stevens: [outside, with bullhorn] Come out with your hands up!
Howard: Damnit, Dad, why didn't you put a back door on this house?!
Harold: Well, there's that old window in the bathroom; you could probably squeeze through there.
Howard: That's it! We're going out the bathroom window! Come on, Manson!
Manson: But I gotta see what happens.
Howard: Come on, damn it! [Manson hurries, panting] Well, it's good seeing you all. Don't move until we're gone or I'll shoot you dead. Happy holidays.
The Adults: Happy holidays. [Uncle Howard and Manson leave]
Stan: [walks to the window, looks out, sees his parents, then turns to Kyle] Dude, they're gonna kill me.
Chief Stevens: [outside] All right, Manson, this is it! We're coming in after you! There's gonna be a lot of bloodshed, and a lot of innocent people are gonna die! You've got until 100-Marshmallow to come out!
Officer: 1-Marshmallow, 2-Marshmallow,...
Scene Description: The bathroom. Howard works on the window.
Howard: ["3, Marshmallow," The window opens] All right, it's open! Let's go!
Stan: [walking in] 'Scuse me. I wanna go with you.
Manson: Huh?!
Stan: Please, I don't wanna go back with them.
Manson: But Stan, your mother and father are out there!
Stan: I know! They've come to punish me. All they wanna do is make me pay for comin' to Nebraska in the first place.
Howard: All right, kid, you can come. Now, let's go. [starts going through the window. Stan steps on the toilet seat, but Manson stops him.]
Manson: Stan, I wanna talk to you about family. [Uncle Howard is out.]
Stan: What?!
Howard: [popping up] What?!
Manson: You see, I had a family once. At least, I called them my family. Really, they were nothin' but a gang of people I thought were my friends. Ah after we killed a bunch of people together, I realized that my real family was who took care of me, and who took the time to care about what I did.
Stan: But they don't care about me, they just want to punish me.
Manson: If they don't care about you, would they have driven nine hours to Nebraska?
Stan: [pondering] I guess you're right, Uncle Charlie. Thanks. [they hug]
Howard: Now can we go??
Manson: No, Howard. You go ahead. I've got something to say. [walks out the bathroom door]
Howard: Oh, weak!
Scene Description: The living room. Manson walks in.
Manson: Folks, I apologize for this whole mess. I'm going to surrender. Somebody show the police a white flag.
Scene Description: Outside. The countdown continues.
Officer: [on the bullhorn] 90-Marshmallow, 91-Marshmallow [to Police Chief Stevens] This is making me hungry for marshmallows [on the bullhorn] 92-Marshmallow [the front door opens and the police get into positions. The flag appears, followed by Kenny, carrying it]
Chief Stevens: Look out, he's got a white flag! [his officers fire away, killing Kenny and breaking the flagpole in half]
Manson: [peering out] Oh my God, they killed the little orange-coat kid!
Kyle: [peering out] You bastards! [the police don't react. Everyone now pours out of the house]
Chief Stevens: [surprised] They're surrendering!
Cops: [run up and handcuff the pair] Okay, grab a hold of him. You're under arrest, buddy. [two of them beat on Kenny's corpse]
Blond Cop: All right you, spread 'em! [puts the cuffs on Kenny]
Chief Stevens: [helping in Manson's arrest] You're going back to prison to rot, Manson!
Manson: Good! I deserve to!
Chief Stevens: What??
Manson: [hands behind his back] I can never make it up to the families that I destroyed, but at least I'll make an example for anyone else thinking that crime [softly] is an answer.
Chief Stevens: Stop that. [the officer releases Manson]
Manson: You see, I get it now! I finally understand what the holidays are all about. Boys, don't you see? You can't let things get you down during the holidays, because being happy is what the holidays are all about!
Kyle: Charlie's right! I'm not gonna let some fake Mr. Hankey spoil my holidays.
Manson: I've been such a bastard all these years, and I finally understand. And it it it feels great! If I feel like- I feel like I'm in my own Christmas special. You see... Holidays are that special time When we laugh and sing and feel warm and cozy Forget about being angry for a day [picks Elvin up] Remember how it felt to be a child Opening presents on Christmas mornin' That's the way that we should all feel now So I say Happy happy happy happy holy happy happy happy Holidays
Everyone Else: Happy happy happy happy holy happy happy happyHolidays
Manson: Happy Kwanzaa, too From me to you Happy Holidays, you guys.
Chief Stevens: Happy Holidays, Bob.
Officer Bob: Happy Holidays, Chief.
Chief Stevens: Come on, Manson. You belong in jail. [finally cuffs him]
Manson: You're darn right I do.
Howard: [being cuffed] Well, I guess I'll be going, Mom and Dad. I hope you can forgive me.
Grandma: Oh, of course we forgive you, son. It was nice of you to pop in for the holidays.
Grandpa: Yes. Now, watch that ass in prison, son.
Howard: I always do. See ya, Eric. Thanks for all your help.
Cartman: See ya, Uncle Howard. [mad] Thanks for being such a great role model for me. [very softly] Piece of crap.
Stan: I hope you can forgive me, too, Mom.
Sharon: Oh, Stanley. Let's just forget the whole thing and have a nice holiday back home.
Stan: Really?
Randy: Sure. We'll punish you after the holidays.
Stan: Hooray! Uh, I mean, wait. What?
Robert Pooner: [wrap up] And so, Manson is hauled off to jail to rot in his cell. Everything is back to normal, and I guess the only thing left to say is, God bless us, everyone.
Scene Description: Nebraska State Penitentiary.
Manson: [in a cell with three other mates, reading from his latest book] "And I guess that's what I've learned. I'm sorry for what I did, but that doesn't make up for it. I deserve to be in jail. All I hope is that I don't make mankind lose faith in itself. Yes, there's murderers in the world. There's rapists and thieves. But those are the vast minority. The majority of mankind is made up of caring people, who try every day to do what they think is right. And that's the spirit of the season." What do you think, guys?
Inmate: It sucks, just like all your other books. [Manson puts his book next to the others and walks off: "AH, MILAN," "OBSERVATIONS FROM THE FOREST," "Are You There God? It's Me. Manson"]
Manson: Well, Guh Good night, you guys. Happy Holidays.
Inmate: Shut up! [Manson turns off the lights. Soon, noise is heard outside the cell]
Manson: What was that? [turns off the lights] What the?! [surprised to see the Cartmans and the boys inside the cell]
Cartmans/Boys: Merry Christmas, Charlie Manson! [Grandma bears a cake. Manson melts, smiling. End credits soon roll] "Hark," the herald angels sin, "Glory to the newborn King Peace on earth, and mercy mild God and sinners reconciled" [Manson joins them] Joyful all ye nations rise Join the triumph of the skies "Hark," the herald angels sing
Stan: Dude, this is pretty fucked up right here.