Scene Description: A game show. The audience is applauding a couple onstage. The host and his assistant stand near the contestants.
Host: Well, Tom and Mary, you've made it to the final round. Are you ready to play for the grand prize?
Tom and Mary: We're ready, Bob!
Bob: Any particular prize you're hoping for?
Mary: Well, Hawaii's nice, but Tahiti would be fun, too!
Tom: Oh, anywhere'd be great!
Bob: Polynesian diggities. I wish you luck. Here we go. What is the thin flap of skin that runs from the base of the penis to the scrotum?
Scene Description: A 9 second count-down begins.
Tom: Oh. Oh wait wait, I know this.
Scene Description: Tom grips his head with both hands as time runs out.
Mary: The upper vascular hood.
Bob: I'm sorry, but YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT!
Scene Description: Tom and Mary are overjoyed.
Bob: Fred tell 'em what they've won.
Fred the Announcer: Tom and Mary, put on your cowboy hats, because you're going to beautiful South Park, Colorado!
Scene Description: A woman dressed as a cowgirl shows off a picture of the town. The audience oohs and aahs.
Mary: Where?
Fred the Announcer: That's right, just in time for Cows Days, the world's 45th biggest rodeo and carnival.
Scene Description: A poster of Cow Days appears, then rotates to one of South Park. Scenes of the announcer's descriptions appear.
Fred the Announcer: Every fall, South Park celebrates Cow Days, and you're gonna be a part of it. You'll stay at the fabulous Super 7 hotel on Bernhardt Road, and enjoy festivities, including prizes, rides, and of course, the world-famous Running of the Cows!
Scene Description: The audience Awww's as a group of cows is shown.
Fred the Announcer: Congratulations, Tom and Mary.
Bob: Well, Tom, Mary, you must be very excited.
Tom: What was second prize again?
Bob: That's all for now. See you tomorrow on...
Scene Description: The audience joins him in saying.
Bob and Audience: Ooo, What The Hell Is That!
Scene Description: The theme music plays before they cut to commercial.
Mary: Ah shit!
Scene Description: South Park rodeo. A rider falls from his horse as it jumps some barrels, nearby on the carnival stage, Mayor McDaniels and her aides are standing.
Mayor McDaniels: Ladies and gentlemen, I am pleased to kick off the 14th Annual South Park Cow Days!
Scene Description: Cheers go up. Mayor McDaniels and her aides wear Cow Days buttons. Others wear Cow Days shirts and wave little flags with cow designs on them.
Mayor McDaniels: As most of you know, Cow Days is when we all get together to celebrate and thank the noble, gentle cow.
Scene Description: The crowd cheers wildly.
Mayor McDaniels: And now, the chairman of Cow Days, Jimbo Kern!
Scene Description: Jimbo walks up to the mic.
Jimbo: This year is a very special Cow Days because we are revealing our all-new Cow Memorial!
Scene Description: A giant curtain covers a large object.
Jimbo: Which will live forever in South Park from this day forward. Release the curtain!
Scene Description: The curtain comes down and a large statue of a cow is revealed. It's wooden, buddhaesque, in appearance, a dark gold color, with a large clock encased in its belly. The clock shows 1 p.m. The statue moos and the crowd cheers. Ned is at the front of the crowd, as are Tom and Mary.
Mary: This is the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen!
Tom: Now, Mary, this is our only vacation for years. We have to make the best of it.
Mary: Oh you're right. I'm sorry, honey. We just need to stay positive.
Mayor McDaniels: Now get out to the carnival and enjoy the amazing rides and the wonderful games!
Scene Description: The carnival gets underway. People mill around, the boys approach a booth that says "3 for $5".
Toss-a-Ball operator: Hey, come on over here, kids. Win fabulous prizes.
Kyle: Wow, dude, check it out! We can win Terrance and Phillip dolls.
Scene Description: A fanfare plays as a close-up of the dolls are shown.
Stan: Are those REAL Terrance and Phillip dolls? They look all crappy.
Kyle: Yeah, they look like cheap rip-offs.
Operator: Sure they're real. They're even made in Canada.
Stan: Really?
Operator: Yeah, look. They're even signed by Terrance and Phillip themselves.
Scene Description: The operator shows the boys the tag, which reads "TEЯENSE AND PHILLUP"
Cartman: Wwow!
Kyle: Dude, that kicks ass!
Cartman: [Breathlessly.] Oh, dude, I gotta win those. How much to play?
Operator: Five dollars for three balls.
Cartman: Five dollars?! Jesus Christ!
Operator: Don't worry, kid, it's easy. You just gotta put one ball through Jennifer Love Hewitt's mouth.
Scene Description: A wooden board featuring a photo of Jennifer Love Hewitt's face is shown, a gaping hole where her mouth should be.
Cartman: That's easy!
Operator: Okay, we've got a player!
Cartman: Ay! Check it out!
Scene Description: He tosses a ball and misses, just to the right of the mouth.
Cartman: Damn it!
Operator: It's okay, son, you've still got two balls to try and get through her yapper.
Cartman: Take this, Jennifer Love Hewitt!
Scene Description: He chucks another ball at her, and misses.
Kyle: You suck, Cartman!
Cartman: I'd like to see you do better!
Kyle: Give me that!
Scene Description: Kyle takes the final ball from Cartman, and throws it. Direct hit, it goes into the mouth, but falls out and away.
Kyle: Hey! It hit her right in the mouth!
Operator: It's gotta go through her mouth.
Kyle: But ih-
Operator: Sorry, kid, try again. Just five more dollars.
Kyle: Here, give me some money, Cartman!
Scene Description: Cartman looks at him and starts laughing.
Kyle: Lend me money, fat boy!
Cartman: I only have three dollars left, asshole!
Kyle: Damn it! Come on! I'll try to get more money from my mom.
Scene Description: The boys walk off.
Jimbo: [Still onstage.] Okay, everybody! It's time for the Running of the Cows!
Scene Description: The crowd cheers. Kyle has found his parents.
Kyle: Mom, give me some money!
Sheila: Kyle, what are you doing here?! This is very dangerous!
Kyle: I need $17 so we can win Terrance and Phillip dolls.
Sheila: Kyle, get back into the carnival this instant! You can't be out on the streets!
Kyle: I will if you give me money!
Sheila: Okay, here!
Scene Description: She hands him some bills, and he walks off.
Cartman: Sweet.
Scene Description: Back on stage, Jimbo gives more instructions to the crowd, which is still cheering.
Jimbo: Okay, everybody, okay. Settle down. Now I know you're all anxious to get to the Running of the Cows, BUT, let me remind you: those brave souls who have decided to run against the cows through town do so at their own risk. I don't think I have to remind you that three people died in last year's Running of the Cows.
Scene Description: The crowd pays no heed and keeps cheering.
Jimbo: With that said, let's rock and roll!
Scene Description: The crowd strains at the starting line. Halfy is there, too.
Jimbo: Everybody ready to run? Release the cows!
Scene Description: The corral doors open, but not a cow moves. The crowd rushes forth.
Jimbo: They're loose!
Scene Description: Jimbo leaves the stage, the cows look bewildered at the townsfolk.
Cows: Mooooo?!
Scene Description: The townsfolk scream wildly, while the cows remain in the corral and moo some more. Ned runs directly into a telephone pole and falls.
Ned: Ow.
Scene Description: One cow timidly leaves the corral. A townsman looks back as he runs, and finds himself impaled on the lower half of a shattered phone pole.
Jimbo: [Running by.] Yeehaw!
Scene Description: A red heifer chews on some grass just outside the corral. A man comes and tries to provoke a grazing cow, but the cow ignores him. The man shakes his ass at the cow, then runs away screaming.
Scene Description: Back at the carnival, a ride named "Chamber of Farts" stands near a Ferris wheel. Its entrance consists of a huge lavender ass with doors through which the cars enter.
Kyle: Okay. We've got $15 between us. That means we get nine balls to throw.
Cartman: I only need one, dude. I only need one.
Operator: Come one, come all. Get in line now, for the Chamber of Farts.
Stan: What's that?
Operator: Dare you enter the Chamber of Farts?
Cartman: How much is it?
Operator: Just three tickets, boys.
Chamber of Farts Ride: Dare you enter the Chamber of Farts?
Kyle: Is it like a- haunted house or something?
Operator: Sure. It's veery scary.
Cartman: Let's see: each ticket is a dollar, so three tickets is like two twenty-five.
Kyle: No. We can't, dude. We have to win the Terrance and Phillip dolls.
Cartman: Oh come on, you guys. We'll still have plenty of money left over.
Kyle: You'd better be right, dude.
Cartman: I'm right!
Scene Description: The boys step up to the ride and car 15 comes to them. They get in.
Operator: Keep your hands inside at all times.
Kyle: Okay.
Scene Description: They go in. They pass through a cemetery with asses everywhere. A man has his pants down just enough for his ass to poke through, a dog next to him has its tail up, there are flying asses about, and some volcanoes poke through the ground. All are farting. The car stops.
Chamber of Farts ride: So, the Chamber of Farts has another victim, eh? Don't be afraid. There aren't any ghouls here, only FARTS!
Scene Description: The car starts up again, and Cartman gets a dose of farts from an ass jet.
Cartman: Eh! God-damnit!
Scene Description: As they enter the Hall of Farts, a wailing fart is heard from two figures hanging from spider webs.
Stan: What the hell was that?
Chamber of Farts ride: Perhaps you need some MORE FARTS!
Scene Description: The car heads for a woman stretched out in torture. A weak fart escapes from her. The car leaves the Gas Caverns.
Operator: All right, boys. Ride's over.
Kyle: That was the dumbest ride I've ever seen!
Stan: Yeah. What the hell kind of carnival company are you?!
Cartman: [As they step down.] I don't know what you guys are talking about! That scared the crap out of me!
Kyle: That was a waste of money, Cartman!
Operator: Hey, if you guys want a great ride, get in this line. It's only seven tickets.
Kyle: We can't. We're saving our money for the balls in Jennifer Love Hewitt's mouth game.
Cartman: Kyle, will you relax, you pink eye? We have plenty of money.
Scene Description: Cartman is down to $11.00, as he goes to get in line for the ride.
Cartman: Come on, you guys! It'll be sweet!
Scene Description: The Cow Memorial, 12:59 p.m. A cow comes to look at the statue, and the clock strikes 1 p.m. The statue moos. The cow looks around, then moos. Two more cows arrive. In the other area of the carnival, the boys are nearing the end of the line for the ride.
Kyle: This ride better be good!
Stan: Yeah, this line is way too long!
Cartman: I think we're almost to the end.
Kyle: We'd better be. We've been in line for almost an hour!
Stan: Here we go.
Scene Description: The boys pass under a banner that reads "LINE RIDE"
Kyle: Finally!
Line ride operator: Did ya enjoy the ride?
Stan: What ride?
Kyle: Yeah.
Line ride operator: This was the Line Ride, a real live simulator of a long line.
Kyle: Ugh. You've gotta be kidding me!
Line ride operator: That's five tickets, thank you very much.
Scene Description: The boys leave with $6.00 remaining.
Line ride operator: Come see us again soon.
Stan: My ass we will!
Kyle: Well, Cartman, this is just my opinion, but I think the Line Ride sucked donkey balls!
Stan: Yeah, let's not ride that ride again.
Photo seller: Would you like to buy a photo of you boys enjoying the Line Ride?
Scene Description: They are shown the picture.
Cartman: How much?
Photo seller: Just three dollars.
Cartman: Hunh that's, that's pretty sweet.
Scene Description: They are now left with $3.00.
Kyle: You dumbass, Cartman!
Cartman: What? This is cool.
Kyle: No, it's not cool!
Cartman: It is, too!
Scene Description: They head back over to the Toss-A-Ball.
Operator: Can I help you boys.
Stan: We're gonna try to win those Terrance and Phillip dolls again.
Operator: O-kay, five dollars for three balls.
Kyle: How much do we have left, Cartman?
Scene Description: Cartman leafs through the bills, but doesn't answer.
Kyle: How much do we have left, Cartman?!
Cartman: Aah, three dollars.
Kyle: What?! You said we had plenty of money, Cartman!
Cartman: Yeah, but I didn't take into account the fact that I suck at math.
Kyle: You son of a bitch! Aaargh!
Scene Description: Kyle lunges at Cartman, and they fall to the ground, wrestling.
Cartman: Ey! Seriously!
Scene Description: A view of the carnival. After a while the boys calm down and stand up again.
Kyle: Well, Cartman, thanks to you we don't have any money left to win the Terrance and Phillip dolls!
Cartman: Well, I'm sorry!
Kyle: Well, sorry's not good enough! What are you gonna do about it?
Cartman: [Thinks a moment.] Hey! I bet Kenny has some food stamps on him!
Kenny: [Pulls some out.] (What? These?)
Stan: Sir? Will you take food stamps for three balls?
Operator: Sure, as long as they're good.
Kyle: Give him your food stamps, Kenny!
Kenny: (Nuh uh.)
Kyle: Come on, dude! I can do it! I'm sure!
Kenny: (Dude, these are my fucking food stamps! How am I going to eat without all these food stamps?)
Cartman: Damn it, Kenny, don't be such a food-stamp hog! Share with the rest of your friends!
Scene Description: Kenny hands them to the operator, and Kyle receives the balls.
Kyle: Okay. Here we go.
Scene Description: Kyle chucks the first ball directly into Jennifer's mouth, but it bounces away.
Kyle: Hey! That was right on target.
Operator: Sorry, kid. Try again.
Scene Description: Kyle throws the next ball in, again directly on target, but it too bounces away.
Kyle: That does it! Shenanigans!
Scene Description: He points an accusing finger at the operator, then turns around.
Kyle: SHENANIGANS!
Operator: Uhwhat are you doing?
Kyle: I'm declaring Shenanigans on you! This game is rigged!
Operator: Shenanigans?
Officer Barbrady: What's all the hoo-ha?
Kyle: Officer Barbrady, I wanna declare Shenanigans on this carnival operator.
Officer Barbrady: Why?
Kyle: This game is fixed! The balls are bigger than Jennifer Love Hewitt's mouth!
Officer Barbrady: If that is true, then your declaration of Shenanigans is just.
Scene Description: Barbrady raises his baton and points it at the operator.
Officer Barbrady: What do you have to say, carnival operator?
Operator: Look, the kid was really close. He still has another ball left. Leh let's try again, son.
Scene Description: The operator reaches inside the counter and switches balls to give Kyle a smaller one.
Operator: Here you go.
Scene Description: Kyle tosses it, and it soars through the mouth.
Operator: There, you see? We have a winner!
Kyle: It worked!
Officer Barbrady: Young man, you can't just go declaring Shenanigans on innocent people! That's how wars get started!
Stan: Sorry, Officer Buttbaby.
Officer Barbrady: Barbrady!
Stan: Oh, I'm sorry. What did I say?
Officer Barbrady: You said Buttbaby.
Scene Description: The boys start laughing after a few seconds.
Cartman: Sweet.
Operator: Okay, kid, you won. You get to pick between the Barbie Pocket Mirror and the Bon Jovi Toothpick.
Kyle: No! Dude! I want the Terrance and Phillip dolls up there.
Operator: Oh, nonono, you gotta win seven times to earn those.
Kyle: What?!
Operator: You win seven Bon Jovi toothpicks, then you can trade 'em in for the Terrance and Phillip dolls.
Kyle: You dirty son of a bitch, you never told us that we had to win-
Operator: [Ignoring them, speaking to the crowd] Step on up, just five dollars to play!
Kyle: Damnit, I have to have those dolls!
Scene Description: He walks off pissed. The others follow.
Stan: This is hopeless. We're never gonna have enough money to win.
Kyle: [Something stops him.] Wait a minute! I've got it! The bull-riding contest. Cartman could ride a bull, and try to win $5,000.
Scene Description: The boys look at him.
Kyle: Think about it, dude: $5,000. That's 1,000 set of balls. That's 3,000 balls! We'd have to win enough to get the dolls!
Cartman: What the hell makes you think Cartman rides a bull?
Kyle: [Grabbing Cartman by the collar.] Because you spent all of our money on those stupid rides, fatass! Now, either you're getting on a bull or I'm gonna break your fucking head open!
Cartman: O-kay, I'll get on the bull.
Kyle: All right! Now, come on! We have to practice!
Scene Description: Kyle walks away. The others watch him.
Stan: [To Cartman.] He really wants those dolls.
Cartman: I guess, damn!
Scene Description: Tom and Mary have just exited the Chamber of Farts on car 11.
Mary: That ride wasn't very good.
Tom: Now, Mary, you promised me we'd try to have a good time.
Mary: You're right. I'm sorry, honey, I'll try and have a good time.
Scene Description: The Cow Memorial. The clock now reads 1:59 p.m., and seven cows stand before the memorial. Two o'clock strikes, and the statue moos twice. The cows answer with two moos of their own. More cows arrive. Meanwhile, at a nearby bar.
Stan: Alright, this mechanical bull's gonna help you practice for the real thing, Cartman.
Cartman: Hey, this is sweet.
Kyle: You gotta try and stay on for ten seconds. Okay, Cartman?
Cartman: I'll try. Ten seconds is a long time.
Stan: We'll start on the slowest setting and work our way up. Ready? Go.
Scene Description: Kenny presses the switch, and the mechanical bull starts to move.
Cartman: Ye-gah!
Scene Description: The bull throws him off, and he lands in a Zoomin' Pinball machine, face up.
Cartman: Ow!
Scene Description: Cartman shattered the glass, which scatters all around.
Cartman: Son of a bitch!
Stan: How long was that?
Kyle: That wasn't quite ten seconds.
Stan: Damn it!
Scene Description: They all walk over to Cartman.
Stan: That wasn't ten seconds, Cartman. You have to do better than that.
Cartman: [Whispering.] You guys, eh seriously, my back!
Kyle: Get back on, fat-ass! You have to practice!
Cartman: [Whispering.] Seriously. Help.
Scene Description: None of the boys step forth to help him.
Cartman: Screw you guys. Hate you guys.
Kyle: What'd you say, Cartman??
Cartman: [Whispering.] I hate you guys!
Kyle: I think he said he wants to practice on a real bull.
Cartman: [Whispering.] Hate you guys.
Scene Description: The cows are now pushing the memorial across open fields. It now reads 3 p.m.
Scene Description: Elsewhere, the boys stand next to a rancher who has offered his bull for Cartman to practice on.
Rancher: Be careful with old Bob here. He ain't much for a-ridin' anymore, but he's all I got.
Kyle: Well uh, he'll have to do. Cartman has to get some practice with a real bull.
Rancher: Well, have fun, boys.
Kyle: Okay, Cartman. You ready?
Cartman: [Hesitantly.] Nnoo.
Kyle: Open the gate!
Scene Description: Kenny opens it. The bull stands there, then walks out slowly and turns left.
Cartman: All right, get down. This is my kind of bull-ride.
Kyle: [Whispers to Stan.] That bull sucks! He's not even bucking or anything!
Cartman: Yeah, this is sweet!
Stan: What are you going to do?
Kyle: Hit the bull in the balls with a snowball.
Stan: Oh, yeah. That's a good idea.
Scene Description: Kyle chucks a snowball at the bull's testicles and gets a direct hit. The bull starts bucking, pissed off.
Cartman: Eeyy!
Kyle: That's better.
Stan: Hold on, Cartman!
Cartman: Ey! Seriously, you guys! Do something! Dude, stop this crazy thing!
Scene Description: The bull throws him off.
Cartman: Mother f-
Scene Description: Before he can finish, he is thrust into the snow in front of them.
Kyle: Get up, Cartman! You're still not staying on long enough!
Scene Description: No response.
Stan: Come on, Cartman.
Scene Description: No response.
Kenny: (Oh my God, they've killed Cartman!)
Kyle: No he didn't kill him, he's still breathing!
Scene Description: Kyle kicks Cartman.
Kyle: Get up!
Scene Description: Kyle waits a moment, then kicks him again.
Kyle: Get UP!
Scene Description: Cartman stirs, then stands up. He's pale.
Stan: You okay, dude?
Scene Description: Cartman says nothing, he sees everything undulate and hears Stan's voice echo.
Stan: Cartman, hello? Hel-lo?
Kyle: Dude, I think we broke him.
Scene Description: Later, at Hell's Pass Hospital, in the waiting area.
Dr. Doctor: Boys, I'm afraid your fat little friend has suffered head trauma.
Stan: What's the matter with him.
Dr. Doctor: Well, apparently, he thinks he's a Vietnamese prostitute named Ming Li.
Kyle: ..Oh.
Stan: But can he still ride a bull?
Dr. Doctor: What?
Kyle: We need him to win a bull-riding contest so we can get Terrance and Phillip dolls. Can he still do it?
Dr. Doctor: No, boys! You need to take him home and let him get plenty of sleep.
Scene Description: Dr. Doctor turns and walks away.
Kyle: Damn it!
Scene Description: Now in Cartman's room.
Stan: Cartman. Cartman, can you hear me?
Cartman: Bân xưa, Lee bân xưa! (rough translation: Old friends, Lee old friends!)
Stan: What?!
Cartman: Boyongture taur lur mahrter.
Stan: Oh, he's fine, dude.
Kyle: You think?
Cartman: Shunkarah puntaur lah-turi.
Stan: Oh, yeah, dude. Let's get his ass to the rodeo.
Scene Description: Back at the festivities, the Running of the Cows has ended, and Jimbo is onstage.
Jimbo: All right, damn it! We're not going to stand for this! Now, whoever stole our golden cow memorial, we're gonna find you and kill you!
Scene Description: The crowd stands silent.
Jimbo: Aall right, uhow about this? Whoever took the sacred cow, just please return 'im, and there'll be no questions asked.
Scene Description: Nothing. Jimbo now looks around.
Jimbo: Wait a minute. You folks from out of town. You're the only ones with a reason to take our beloved cow memorial!
Scene Description: People in the crowd start buzzing, as Officer Barbrady approaches Tom and Mary from behind.
Mary: Where are we going to put a 60-foot tall statue of a cow?
Officer Barbrady: Oh, I think maybe you'll answer that downtown, tourists.
Scene Description: Officer Barbrady cuffs them both and takes them away.
Mary: Oh my God!
Scene Description: At the carnival, the boys have returned with Cartman.
Stan: How's he doing?
Kyle: He still thinks he's a Vietnamese prostitute.
Cartman: Pooinshower. Madalen shine debaur. Huelar she mashartah me shur har.
Stan: Do you think he can ride the bull?
Kyle: Yeah, I think so.
Stan: Cool.
Scene Description: The boys pass by a man in uniform, and his wife.
Cartman: Hello. Hello, polie. Hello, polie hurrah you soldier boy. Hey, soldier boy!
Soldier: Huh?
Cartman: Hello? Soldier boy. Me so horny. Me love you long time.
Soldier: Go away, kid. You're grossing me out.
Cartman: Hello, puhree! Puhree hello! Hello, sucky-sucky! Hello, puhree!
Soldier: Beat it, kid! Come on, honey.
Scene Description: They walk away, an announcement over the loudspeaker gets the attention of carnival-goers.
Chamber of Farts Operator: Come one, come all! The Chamber of Farts has been fixed and is reopen!
Scene Description: A crowd rushes to it, and Cartman is lost among the mass of people.
Stan: Jesus, dude!
Kyle: Hey, where's Cartman?
Stan: Oh, hell!
Kenny: (I don't know where he went!)
Stan: Kenny, you go find Cartman. We have to go sign him up for the bull ride.
Kenny: (Okay.)
Scene Description: South Park Police Dept. Tom and Mary are still in jail, shivering and seemingly forgotten.
Tom: Hoh, it's so cold here.
Mary: Where is that sheriff?! We need water!
Tom: Oh well, let's try to make the best of it, Mary.
Mary: You're right. We're not being positive. At least we get some time alone.
Tom: Yeah, and at least we've got our health.
Scene Description: A rat runs by.
Scene Description: Over at a ranch, two ranchers get out of a truck and walk into a field.
Grey Hat: I tell you, Mitchell, I ain't never seen nothin' like it.
Mitchell: Where are they again?
Grey Hat: Just right up over this ridge.
Scene Description: The ranchers reach the top of the ridge and look out over a large field full of cows gathered around the Cow Memorial, mooing. It is almost 9 a.m.
Grey Hat: That's what they've been doin' all morning, just sittin' there and mooin'. And more cows come all the time.
Mitchell: Well, I ain't never seen this before, neither. But I know one thing, when cows start gettin' together, it can't be good. They might start formin' a cult!
Grey Hat: [Ponders] Hmm. Cow cult.
Scene Description: Back at the carnival, rodeo riders test their skill. One of them loses when his horse throws him off.
Announcer: The grand-daddy of 'em all, the South Park Cow Days Rodeo! Let's begin the bull-riding event. Grand prize: $5000!
Stan: Kenny, where the hell is Cartman?!
Kenny: (I don't know, can't find him.)
Kyle: He's up in, like, twenty minutes!
Kenny: (I know, I know!)
Cartman: [Off-camera.] Hello, prease! Hello!
Stan: [Points to him.] There he is!
Scene Description: Cartman emerges from the crowd, now wearing a hot-pink two piece outfit, orange blush, and an oriental wig.
Cartman: Fucky-sucky, five dorrah.
Scene Description: Back at the police station, Tom and Mary still sit and wait.
Scene Description: Back on the hill, Jimbo and Ned have joined the two ranchers.
Grey Hat: Here they are, just like we told you.
Scene Description: Jimbo has had enough of the Cows' shenanigans.
Jimbo: Okay, that's enough-a that! You cows need to dis-perse! All right, bad cows! Do you hear me? Bad cows!
Scene Description: The cows are unphased.
Jimbo: All right, Ned. You're gonna have to bust out the whip!
Scene Description: Ned lashes out his whip which makes a loud crack.
Ned: Mmmm-gahyah! Git along, little doggies!
Scene Description: He lashes out again and makes contact with a cow, this causes the herd to move in on him.
Ned: Bad cows stay! Stay!
Scene Description: The cows are pissed. They rush in and trample him into the ground.
Ned: AAAAAH!
Jimbo: Holy crow! Play dead, Ned!
Grey Hat: [Still on the ridge, casually.] I reckon we should get some help.
Mitchell: I reckon.
Scene Description: Back at the rodeo, the boys have Cartman on the bull, ready to ride.
Kyle: Don't be nervous, Cartman. This is gonna be cake.
Stan: Yeah, and then those Terrance and Phillip dolls will be ours!
Cartman: Fucky-sucky five dollah.
Announcer: Up first, No. 24, Jack McMack!
Scene Description: The crowd cheers, and he removes his hat in appreciation.
Announcer: Three, two, one.
Scene Description: The the gate opens and Jack goes forth.
Jack: Yeehaw! Yehoo! Yeehaw!
Scene Description: The bull finally throws him off. The crowd is silent and watches him sail through the air.
Jack: Aaaaaaaa!
Scene Description: He lands, gored by another bull's horns, and dies.
Announcer: Oooh, that's gonna cost him a point deduction. Up next, number 14, Ming Li!
Cartman: Ten dollar? Eight dollar? You give me eight dollar, soldier boy!
Announcer: Here we go!
Stan: Dude, I'm having second thoughts about this.
Kyle: What do you mean?
Stan: I'm startin' to think that maybe it's wrong to put someone who thinks they're a Vietnamese prostitute on a bull.
Announcer: Let her go!
Scene Description: The gate thrusts open, and "Ming Li" goes forth.
Cartman: Eey! Freline furton! Sucky-sucky!
Kyle: Hang on, Cartman!
Announcer: Wow, and this Vietnamese prostitute can really ride a bull!
Scene Description: Frank Hammond, his, partner, looks bored.
Announcer: I guess she's had a lot of practice, if you know what I mean.
Scene Description: Frank Hammond simply blinks.
Cartman: Aaah! Ten dorrah!
Scene Description: Still riding the bull, the crowd cheers on.
Cartman: Ten dollah, soldier boy!
Announcer: She's setting a new world record!
Scene Description: The crowd jumping up and down begin to chant.
Crowd: Ming Li! Ming Li! Ming Li!
Scene Description: The bull finally bucks Cartman off.
Cartman: Gaaah!
Scene Description: He ends up in the snow, where the bull comes and kicks him like a football.
Cartman: Heeee!
Stan: Dude, that bull's gonna kill him.
Kyle: Go help him, Kenny!
Scene Description: Kenny starts to climb over the fencing into the ring but has second thoughts.
Kenny: (Huh-uh, I ain't gonna get inside that ring! Aaah!)
Scene Description: The bull runs through the fence and away, taking Kenny with him. Stan and Kyle watch Kenny disappear.
Stan: Oh my God, they killed Kenny!
Kyle: You bastards!
Scene Description: A rodeo clown picks Cartman up and carries him off.
Announcer: And this brave little whore from the East has really put on a show for us today!
Scene Description: His partner, rather disgusted, taps his mic until it falls.
Announcer: The winner of the bull-riding contest, Ming Li!
Scene Description: The rodeo clown places Cartman in a barrel.
Cartman: Hey, sucky-sucky? Only ten dollar.
Stan: We did it, dude, we did it!
Scene Description: Kyle smiles. Elsewhere, the cows are gathered again before the Memorial, about 3 p.m. Behind some large rocks, FBI agents pop up and take aim at the cows.
Agent: Freeze, cows!
Scene Description: The cows look up, startled.
Agent: The game is over! You will now return to your respective towns!
Scene Description: Jimbo stands next to the agent. The cows ignore them.
Jimbo: You hear that, cows? You're surrounded! There's no way out!
Agent: You will now all march in an orderly fashion into this trailer!
Scene Description: Ned opens the back door to the trailer.
Agent: Move!
Scene Description: The cows just look at them, then one of them walks forward and turns left, walking away.
Jimbo: Hey. Where's she going? That's the wrong way, you stupid cow!
Scene Description: The cow walks to the edge of a cliff and looks back at them.
Agent: Oh, dear Jesus, no!
Scene Description: The cow walks off the cliff, where it falls to its death.
Cow: Mooooo!
Jimbo: Nnoo!
Scene Description: The other cows reach the cliff and walk off, one by one.
Jimbo: They're killing themselves! Stop! Please! Can't we do anything?! Oh, God, the humanity, Ned! The humanity!
Scene Description: Jimbo weeps into his hands.
Agent: This is the first mass cow suicide I've seen in- at least eight months.
Scene Description: South Park Police Station, Tom and Mary still wait in jail. Back at the carnival, the boys walk over to the Toss-A-Ball.
Toss-A-Ball Operator: Oh, you boys are back again, huh?
Stan: Yeah. And we have $5000 this time.
Kyle: How many ball does that get us?
Cartman: [Still Ming Li.] Odline daur shunba shunba?
Toss-A-Ball Operator: Aw I ah- I tell you what, boys. Uh, I'm gonna be really nice and just- trade you the 5000 for the Terrance and Phillip dolls.
Kyle: You will?
Stan: Wow, why'd you get so cool all of a sudden?
Scene Description: The operator starts tossing down the dolls.
Kyle: We did it! You see, Cartman? You won us the Terrance and Phillip dolls!
Cartman: Ten dollah? Sucky-sucky?
Kyle: What are we gonna do with them?
Scene Description: Stan begins to answer but before he can, the head of the Terrance doll which he is holding simply falls off.
Stan: We should-
Scene Description: He looks down with Kyle at the head on the ground, horrified.
Kyle: ..What the-?
Stan: Dude, these dolls are cheap rip-offs!
Scene Description: One of the Phillip doll's legs falls off.
Kyle: After all that?! Shenanigans! Shenanigans! SHENANIGANS!
Scene Description: Officer Barbrady, Mr. Garrison, and a small crowd show up.
Officer Barbrady: What's all this?
Kyle: Officer Barbrady, I would like to reinstate my previous Shenanigans! This whole carnival is a rip-off!
Mr. Garrison: You know, uh, excuse me, but I agree. These rides are really stupid! Chamber of Farts isn't scary at all!
Father Maxi: Yeah, and the food is terrible!
Chamber of Farts operator: Hey, it's just a stupid rodeo! What do you expect?
Scene Description: Everyone starts arguing all at once, except Barbrady and the boys.
Officer Barbrady: Ho-kay okay, let's calm down. People of South Park, do you declare Shenanigans on the carnival people?
Townspeople: Yeah!
Officer Barbrady: Okay, carnival people, do you accept this decree of Shenanigans?
Line ride operator: ..What the hell are you talking about?! This whole town is screwy!
Officer Barbrady: Well, that settles it! Everybody grab a broom, it's Shenanigans!
Scene Description: The town cheers, and some of the folks have brooms already. They gang up on the carnival people and beat them all for a long time. Stan and Kyle just watch.
Scene Description: One in the afternoon. Jimbo, Ned, and some townsfolk are pushing the Cow Memorial back into the carnival area.
Mayor McDaniels: You found it! You found the memorial!
Jimbo: Yeah.
Mayor McDaniels: And the cows? Are they all back, too?
Jimbo: They're dead, mayor. They're all dead. [Sobs.]
Mayor McDaniels: What?!
Jimbo: Oho, it was awful! [Weeps.] Cow after cow taking its own life, and we could do nothing to stop them! Oh, God!
Mayor McDaniels: Well, perhaps, one day, cows will learn that cults are never a good thing.
Jimbo: [Still sad.] I hope so, Mayor. I hope so. God I need a cold beer and a burger.
Scene Description: Jimbo hears the commotion from the nearby crowd and perks up.
Jimbo: What's all the ruckus over there?
Scene Description: He sees the townsfolk beating on the carnival people.
Mayor McDaniels: Sounds like somebody declared Shenanigans!
Jimbo: Oh, hell, I have to run home and get my broom!
Scene Description: Back at the police station.
Officer Barbrady: All right, you damned carnival people. Into jail with- [Voice wavering.] Oooooh?
Scene Description: Officer Barbrady notices the remains of Tom and Mary, who are no more. They've died of starvation and the rats have begun eating parts of them.
Jimbo: Hey, aren't those the people we at first thought took the wooden cow?
Officer Barbrady: [Nervously.] Yeah.
Mayor McDaniels: Didn't we ever release them?
Jimbo: Aw, I forgot all about 'em.
Officer Barbrady: Uh me, too.
Mayor McDaniels: Oh my God! Officer Barbrady, ugh, you never had Tom and Mary in this cell.
Officer Barbrady: I didn't?
Mayor McDaniels: No, no. In fact, they never came to South Park. We've never heard of them.
Officer Barbrady: Ooh, phew, I feel a lot better, then, although I could've swore that I had heard of them and they starved to death in my prison.
Scene Description: The bus stop. Stan and Kyle are swimming in Terrance and Phillip dolls.
Stan: [With a Terrance doll.] Say, Terrance, let's look for treasuh.
Kyle: [With a Phillip doll.] Oh. Good idea, Phillip. Let's look for treasuh.
Cartman: [Arrives, back to normal.] What are you guys doing?
Stan: Oh, hey, Cartman. How are you feeling?
Cartman: Oh, pretty good, except I had the weirdest dream last night.
Kyle: Really? What about?
Cartman: Well, I dreamt that I was a poor Vietnamese girl, and then you guys made me ride a big, scary bull, and then Leonardo DiCaprio gave me a spankin' for several hours.
Scene Description: He notices the Terrance and Phillip dolls.
Cartman: Hey, where did you guys win all those Terrance and Phillip dolls?
Stan: Oh-h. Nowhere.
Scene Description: Stan and Kyle start giggling.
Cartman: Wait a minute! You guys did make me ride that bull!
Kyle: No! Cartman, that was just a dream!
Scene Description: A limousine pulls up and Leonardo DiCaprio is at the window.
Leonardo DiCaprio: Bye, Ming Li. Thanks again.
Scene Description: Stan and Kyle laugh even harder, as the limo drives off.
Cartman: Oh! Son of a bitch!


Scene Description: South Park Elementary Cafeteria. While the boys wait in line for their lunches.
Cartman: [Singing.] Stinky britches, you got stinky britches Stinky, stinky britches, you got stinky-
Kyle: What the hell are you singing, Cartman?
Cartman: This new song by Alanis Morissette. I can't get it out of my head. Stinky britches, you got stinky britches
Mr. Garrison: [Passes by.] Hello, children. Ready for lunch?
Cartman: Stinky britches, you got stinky, stinky-
Mr. Garrison: Eric, is there a problem?
Cartman: Yeah, I can't get this stupid song out of my head.
Mr. Garrison: "Stinky Britches" by Alanis Morissette?
Cartman: Yeah. Stinky, stinky britches
Mr. Garrison: Children, did you say hi to Mr. Twig?
Mr. Twig: Hi, boys. How are you?
Kyle: When is Mr. Hat coming back?
Mr. Garrison: [Pause.] I told you never say his name in my presence.
Stan: But we hate Mr. Twig. Mr. Twig sucks.
Kid: Yeah.
Cartman: [Quietly to himself.] Stinky britches, you got stinky-
Mr. Garrison: It just so happens that Mr. Twig is far more stable than Mr. Hat could ever be, so he's the better puppet now-
Kyle: He'd be better used as a coat rack.
Scene Description: Students begin laughing at a dismayed, offended Garrison.
Mr. Garrison: [Livid.] How dare you! Come on, Mr. Twig.
Scene Description: Mr. Garrison walks off as the boys enter the kitchen.
Chef: Hello there, children.
Boys: Hey, Chef.
Cartman: You got stinky britches, stinky-
Chef: What did you say?
Kyle: He singing some new hit song.
Chef: Eric, where did you hear that song?
Cartman: It's all over the place. On the radio, MTV, everywhere.
Chef: [Softly.] Well, I'll be sodomized on Christmas.
Stan: What, dude?
Chef: Children, I wrote that song 20 years ago.
Cartman: You wrote it?
Chef: Yeah. Back when I used to be in the rock business. And now it looks like some big record company has published one of my songs.
Kyle: Wow, then you should get money for it!
Chef: Aww, I don't want any money. I just like to see my name on the credits, that's all.
Kyle: Then we should go to the record company. My dad's a lawyer, dude; he tells me about this stuff all the time.
Chef: Well, all right. Maybe I will go. I'll play them my version of the song.
Scene Description: Capitalist Records, California. Chef is playing his song for the record producer.
Chef (recording): Stinky britches, you got those stinky britches.
Chef: So you see, Mr. Big record producer, "Stinky Britches" was something I wrote several years ago.
Mr. Big record producer: Hmm... I really so no resemblance between that song and "Stinky Britches" by our artist, Alanis Morissette.
Chef: Huh?
Kyle: It's the same goddamn song!
Chef: Now, look, I'm trying to be cool about this, but you just can't rip people's music off! It's against the law!
Mr. Big record producer: I am above the law!
Scene Description: His hair falls forward, and he quickly puts it back into place with Spooge hair gel.
Mr. Big record producer: Mr. Chef, I'm afraid you leave me no alternative. We're going to sue you.
Chef: Sue me?! You stole one of my songs, and you're gonna sue me?
Mr. Big record producer: Yes. I suggest you get a real good lawyer. We'll have the best in the business.
Kyle: We'll get my dad to be Chef's lawyer!
Cartman: Yeah, and he's Jewish.
Scene Description: Mr. Garrison's house, Garrison is watching Alanis Morissette's Stinky Britches music video.
Alanis Morissette: Stinky, stinky britches, stinky britches
Scene Description: A clattering noise is heard.
Mr. Garrison: Mr. Twig, is that you?
Scene Description: Mr. Garrison turns off the TV and goes to the kitchen.
Mr. Garrison: Mis-Mr. Twig?
Scene Description: He sees a pot of boiling water and approaches it, then lifts the lid. Mr. Twig is floating around, charred.
Mr. Garrison: Aagghh!! Mr. Twig! No!
Scene Description: He throws the pot to the floor.
Mr. Garrison: Who did this to you, Mr. Twig?! Who?!
Scene Description: Courthouse, Gerald Broflovski is representing the defense, Chef.
Gerald: Now, just let me do all the talking, Chef. We're gonna bring these bastards down.
Chef: Right.
Scene Description: Judge Moses bangs his gavel.
Judge Moses: This court is now in session. Who's representing the defense?
Gerald: I am, Your Honor. Gerald Broflovski.
Judge Moses: And representing the prosecution?
Prosecutor: I am, Your Honor.
Scene Description: The Prosecutor is none other that Johnnie Cochran, the spectators gasp at this turn of events.
Gerald: Uh-oh.
Chef: Why "uh-oh"?
Gerald: Chef, that's Johnnie Cochran. He's the guy who knocked O.J. off.
Chef: Uh-oh.
Scene Description: Meanwhile at Hell's Pass Hospital, Mr. Garrison bursts through the doors of the ER holding Mr. Twig in a blanket.
Mr. Garrison: I need some help over here! Please help! I think he's got third-degree burns!
Scene Description: Dr. Doctor and his team turn to him, then rush over. The patient sits up and looks.
Dr. Doctor: Give the child to me.
Scene Description: Dr. Doctor takes the bundle and unfurls the blanket. The doctors draw close to look at Mr. Twig.
Mr. Garrison: [Panicked.] Is he going to be all right, doctor?
Dr. Doctor: Uhhh...
Mr. Garrison: Is he going to live?
Dr. Doctor: [Slowly.] It's a stick.
Mr. Garrison: ...Dammit, don't give me that medical jargon! Just tell me straight, is he going to be okay?!
Scene Description: Over at Cartman's house, the boys are watching the trial on television.
Reporter: And so on this 15th day of what is considered to be the most important trial of the...day, Johnnie Cochran has appeared to defend Capitalist Records. The question now is, will Cochran use his famous "Chewbacca defense"?
Cartman: What's a "Chewbacca defense"?
Kyle: I don't know.
Stan: That's what Cochran used in the O.J. Simpson trial.
Cartman: Goddamn, I hate that Cochran guy! If he was in front of me, I'd be like, "Hey! You stupid son of a bitch! You- How... How'd you like me to kick you in the nuts?!"
Kyle: I'm sure that would scare the hell out of him, Cartman.
Scene Description: In the courtroom.
Gerald: ...And so, in summation, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, you've heard the version of my client's song recorded over twenty years ago. You've heard the exact same song produced by those cheats in the past month. I'd say it's pretty much an open-and-shut case. Make the right decision. Thank you.
Scene Description: One person claps. Gerald goes back to his table.
Gerald: [To Chef] We've got 'em.
Scene Description: Chef grins and gives him a thumbs-up. Judge Moses bangs his gavel.
Judge Moses: Mr. Johnnie Cochran, your closing arguments.
Johnnie Cochran: Ladies and gentlemen of this supposed jury, Chef's attorney would certainly want you to believe that his client wrote "Stinky Britches" ten years ago, and they make a good case... hell, I almost felt pity myself. But, ladies and gentlemen, of this supposed jury, I have one, final thing I want you to consider.
Scene Description: Johnnie Cochran walks to a display stand and pulls down the screen.
Johnnie Cochran: Ladies and gentleman, this is Chewbacca. Chewbacca is a Wookie from the planet Kashyyyk. But Chewbacca lives on the planet Endor. Now think about that. That does not make sense.
Gerald: Dammit..!
Chef: What?
Gerald: He's using the Chewbacca defense.
Johnnie Cochran: Why would a Wookiee, an 8-foot-tall Wookiee, want to live on Endor with a bunch of 2-foot-tall Ewoks? That does not make sense! But more important, you have to ask yourself: "What does this have to do with this case?" Nothing.
Scene Description: Gerald buries his head in his hands, defeated.
Johnnie Cochran: Ladies and gentlemen, it has nothing to do with this case! It does not make sense! Look at me, I'm a lawyer defending a major record company, and I'm talkin' about Chewbacca. Does that make sense? Ladies and gentlemen, I am not making any sense! None of this makes sense! And so you have to remember, when you're in that jury room deliberating and conjugating the Emancipation Proclamation... does it make sense? No! Ladies and gentlemen of this supposed jury, it does not make sense! If Chewbacca lives on Endor, you must acquit! The defense rests.
Judge Moses: [After a long pause.] O-kay, then.
Scene Description: Back at Cartman's house where the boys are watching.
Cartman: Wow, he's good.
Reporter: In a teary-eyed courtroom, Johnnie Cochran has just finished his closing arguments, and, as anticipated, he did use the Chewbacca defense.
Scene Description: Courtroom sketches show an angry Chef staring at Gerald, Judge Moses holding his gavel, and Cochran in clown-like attire pointing left.
Reporter: Whether or it worked... is up to the jury to decide.
Scene Description: Back in the courtroom.
Judge Moses: How find you the jury?
Foreman: We find the defendant, Jerome "Chef" McElroy... guilty as charged.
Scene Description: The spectators gasp again.
Gerald: Whoops.
Chef: Whoops?!
Judge Moses: Mr. Chef, you have been found guilty of harassing a major company label. The full fee of two million dollars will be handed over within 24 hours.
Chef: Do I look like I have two million?
Judge Moses: Well, you have 24 hours to find it, or else you have to go to jail. For eight million years.
Scene Description: Chef is shocked. The bailiff whispers into the Judge's ear.
Bailiff: Uh, it's actually for four years.
Judge Moses: Oh, sorry. You'll got to jail for four years.
Chef: This can't be happening..!
Scene Description: Cartman's house. All four boys are shocked at the verdict.
Stan: Oh, no, dude. Chef's gonna go to jail.
Scene Description: Chef's residence. Everything is being repossessed. Chef is leafing through a "Memories" photo album. Mr. Big record producer enters.
Mr. Big record producer: And that chair, too. I want that chair.
Chef: Hey, that's my favorite chair!
Mr. Big record producer: You heard the judge. Since you lost the case, I can seize whatever I want to pay my legal fees. Yeah, take that water cooler, too.
Stan: Hello there, Chef.
Chef: Hey, children.
Kyle: What's going on?
Chef: Children, that record company guy is takin' all my belongings. And if I don't come up with two million, I'm going to jail.
Stan: Well, don't worry. We came over to cheer you up.
Kyle: Yeah. Ready, Cartman?
Cartman: Ready.
Scene Description: Cartman removes his jacket and steps forward, in lederhosen. Oompa music plays.
Cartman: I will do the German dance for you It's fun and gay and tra-la-la I hope my will enjoy my dance Fiddle-e-aye, fiddle-e-aye ay Would you like some sauerkraut, German boy, German boy? Yes, I'd like some sauerkraut-
Chef: Okay, okay, children, thank you very much. I feel much better.
Stan: You do?
Chef: Sure. Just please stop.
Cartman: [Putting his coat back on.] See? I told you guys it would work.
Kyle: What's that, dude?
Chef: This? This is my photo album of all my times in the rock business.
Kyle: Did you ever know any famous people?
Chef: Did I? Janis Joplin, The Beatles, Elton John... I got to travel all around the world, hanging out with bands, going to lavish parties, lovin' many, many women.
Scene Description: One photograph shows Chef laying shirtless on a bed of hay in a lucrative position, with a goat standing next to him. The caption under it reads, "Germany".
Cartman: What's that?
Chef: Nothing.
Scene Description: Chef quickly turns the page.
Chef: Anyway-
Mr. Big record producer: Take this, too.
Scene Description: Mr. Big record producer takes Chef's photo album.
Chef: Hey! That has no monetary value! What the hell are you taking that for?!
Mr. Big record producer: I can take whatever I want.
Chef: But I have 24 hours to come up with your money! That's the law!
Mr. Big record producer: I am above the law!
Scene Description: Mr. Big record producer's hair falls in his face again. He smears it back up with more Spooge.
Mr. Big record producer: I told you not to mess with me.
Chef: That does it. You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna raise that two million, but I'm not going to use it to pay you back. I'm going to use it to hire Johnnie Cochran myself and sue you!
Mr. Big record producer: [Gasps.] You wouldn't.
Chef: Watch me. Now get the fudge out of my house!
Scene Description: Mr. Garrison's house. Mr. Twig lies in bed, a portrait of Leonardo DiCaprio on the wall.
Mr. Garrison: I brought you some more juice, Mr. Twig. Are you feeling any better? [Sighs.] I don't know who would want to hurt you like this, but I promise nobody will ever hurt you again, ever. [Senses something wrong.] Mist-Mr. Twig... are you okay? Mist-Mr. Twig..?
Scene Description: Mr. Garrison pulls the covers back.
Mr. Garrison: Aaaggghhh!!
Scene Description: Mr. Twig is broken in half!
Mr. Garrison: Who did this?!
Scene Description: Mr. Garrison shouts outside through the bedroom window.
Mr. Garrison: You won't get away with this, you bastards!
Scene Description: Chef's house, Chef is on the phone.
Chef: Okay. Thank you, Mr. Cochran. [Hangs up.] Well, Johnnie Cochran will take my case if I can pay his legal fee, $2 million.
Stan: Hey, why don't you ask all those famous people you used to know for money? They're rich.
Chef: Oh, they wouldn't remember me. All I did was cook for them.
Kyle: You can raise $2 million, dude. We'll help you.
Scene Description: Chef starts searching his closet for a coat.
Chef: I appreciate that, children, but raising $2 million is not an easy thing to do.
Scene Description: Chef finds the coat he's looking for.
Chef: My only hope is to whore myself to every woman in town.
Scene Description: The boys Chef as he goes to the front door.
Chef: Wish me luck, children.
Scene Description: He leaves, closing the door.
Stan: We've gotta help him, dude.
Kyle: Yeah, b-but how?
Stan: Come on. Maybe those rock stars will remember Chef. Let's go pay them a visit!
Scene Description: Live-action footage show an American Airlines plane taking off.
Scene Description: Somewhere in England. The boys, with Cartman carrying a box of candy, are approaching a mansion.
Kyle: Whoa, dude, this house is huge.
Stan: Yeah, it's bigger than Cartman's ass.
Cartman: No, it isn't, you guys.
Scene Description: They ring the doorbell.
Butler: Can I help you?
Cartman: We're trying to raise money for our friend, Chef.
Scene Description: Cartman rifles through the box of candy.
Cartman: Would you like a Moon Crunchie or a Snacky Cake?
Kyle: Are you Elton John?
Bulter: No, I'm one of his butlers.
Kyle: Oh. Then what the hell are we talking to you for? Come on, guys.
Scene Description: They go inside and find him in his closet, dressed in a 1970's concert outfit, with star shaped glasses.
Hi, are you Elton John?: Dialog
Elton John: Sir Elton John. I was knighted, you know.
Kyle: We're trying to raise money for our school chef.
Cartman: We have Chocolate Nuggies and S'more Crunchies...
Elton John: I'm sorry, but I'm not a big candy bar fan.
Cartman: What?!
Stan: Could you just buy a couple anyway? Our friend Chef is really-
Elton John: Chef? You mean Chef-Chef?
Kyle: Yeah, dude.
Stan: Wow, you remember him?
Elton John: Of course. I haven't seen him for so long. I remember when I first met him. It was about 25 years ago.
Scene Description: Flashback, 1973, "The Small Bar".
Elton John: I was a struggling musician who couldn't get a break.
Elton John: Oh, oh, you're my cheddar cheese girl You're soft but firm, and you go well with wine. Oh oh, cheddar cheese girl Cheddar, cheddar cheese girl
Man: Boo!
Scene Description: The audience starts throwing food and bottles at him, he goes backstage.
Chef: Hey, Elton, don't feel so down, baby. Have some of my Scottish haggis. It'll cheer you up.
Elton John: Thanks, Chef. I just don't understand what my music is missing.
Chef: Look, Elton, you are a great singer, but a retarded monkey could write better lyrics.
Elton John: I really thought I had it this time with "Cheddar Cheese Girl".
Chef: What you need is a guy to write really good lyrics for you. I know a guy named Bernie Taupin who's working at Moth Burger right now. I'll give him a call.
Elton John: That's a great idea!
Chef: And, Elton, why don't you get yourself some new threads? You know, some slick glasses and shit.
Scene Description: Back in the present.
Elton John: And so I got Bernie to write my lyrics. And if it wasn't for Chef, I would never have had a career in music.
Stan: So will you buy some of our candy bars to help him out?
Elton John: Yes, of course. I'll buy three Crispy Yum Yums.
Cartman: Three Crispy Yum Yums.
Stan: Hey, Elton, if I give you these lyrics, will you write a song for my girlfriend, Wendy?
Elton John: Sure, kid. But I would retain exclusive worldwide rights, [Rushing.] including-but-not-limited-to-Asian-territories, with-a-twenty-percent-commission-from-all-domestic-sales, and-sole-ownership-of-any-and-all-publishing.
Stan: [Unsure.] 'Kay.
Elton John: Tell Chef I said hi.
Stan: Thanks, dude.
Kyle: Dude, we'll have Chef's $2 million in no time!
Scene Description: Kyle's house, Chef is in bed with Sheila who is having a post-coitus cigarette.
Sheila: Oy..! Thank you, Chef.
Chef: No problem, Ms. Broflovski. Uhh, now, about that hundred bucks?
Sheila: Oh, of course!
Scene Description: She reaches into a drawer and hands him the money.
Sheila: Here you go.
Scene Description: Chef gets up to go.
Sheila: Leaving so soon?
Chef: I have a loooooong way to go to raise the kind of money I need.
Scene Description: Chef leaves.
Sheila: Well, best of luck to you, then.
Scene Description: Gerald walks in excited.
Gerald: How was it, honey?
Sheila: Pretty much what I expected.
Scene Description: The boys stand before another house, and Kyle knocks. The boys now pull a red cart with a large cardboard thermometer demonstrating how much they've raised. The door opens.
Stan: Hello, are you Meat Loaf?
Meat Loaf: Yeah. What the hell do you want?
Cartman: Mr. Loaf, we are selling candy bars for our dying friend.
Kyle: He's not dying, Cartman!
Cartman: [Whispers.] Shut your goddamn mouth. [To Meat Loaf.] We have Nilla Crunchies, Berry Bars-
Meat Loaf: What's this for?
Stan: Our friend, Chef.
Meat Loaf: Chef's in trouble?
Kyle: Yeah. Do you know him?
Meat Loaf: Do I?
Scene Description: Flashback, The Pit. "Now Performing: Cous-Cous".
Cous-Cous: Nobody came again.
Chef: There, there, Cous-Cous. It'll be all right. Maybe you just need to change your image.
Cous-Cous: What do you mean?
Chef: Nobody wants to see a guy named Cous-Cous. You need a big, strong beefy name.
Cous-Cous: Beefy? Like, uhh... Tri-tip!
Chef: That's not bad. Here, have some meat loaf.
Scene Description: Back to present day.
Meat Loaf: I owe everything to Chef.
Stan: Wow! So you'll help him?
Meat Loaf: You bet. Give me a box of Nilla Yum Yums and a couple of Berry Bars.
Boys: Cool!
Scene Description: Crabtree residence. Chef is in bed with Veronica Crabtree.
Veronica Crabtree: All right, let's get this show on the road! Come here, baby!
Chef: Uh-uh, hold on a second, Veronica Crabtree. How would you like to use some... sex toys?
Veronica Crabtree: Sex toys? Like what?
Chef: Like this very special device.
Scene Description: Chef brings out a brown paper sack.
Chef: I call it "Chef's pleasure bag".
Veronica Crabtree: How does it work?
Chef: Now, all you do is put this paper bag over your head, and it increases your sexual pleasure.
Veronica Crabtree: Really? Well, hell, let's give it a shot.
Scene Description: She drops a bit, and Chef places the bag on her head.
Chef: Ahh, yeah. That's much better.
Scene Description: Meanwhile, when the boys meet Rick James at his residence.
Rick James: Sure. I'll do anything for Chef. Give me a box of those Choco-Numbers.
Kyle: Gosh, thanks, Rick James.
Stan: Yeah, thanks. [To Kyle as they walk away.] That's $35. Come on, you guys, we've gotta hurry and give this money to Chef!
Scene Description: [City Hall. Chef and Mayor McDaniels are in her bed.
Mayor McDaniels: Ohh, that was wonderful, Chef. Good show.
Chef: [Exhausted.] I can't keep doing this. It's killing me.
Mayor McDaniels: Oh, come on, buck up, little fella.
Chef: I'm serious! I'm not gonna make it.
Mayor: Sure you are, Chef. I'll give a hundred more for another romp.
Scene Description: Chef collapses to the floor.
Mayor McDaniels: Aw, hell!
Scene Description: Mr. Garrison's house, Officer Barbrady enters.
Mr. Garrison: Thank you for coming, Officer Barbrady.
Officer Barbrady: What's this all about?
Mr. Garrison: These pictures just arrived. [Opens envelope.] I set up a camera, and caught Mr. Twig's assailant red-handed. [Pulls out the pictures.] Now, go arrest him!
Scene Description: Officer Barbrady looks at them, then at Garrison. Garrison looks at them, then softly.
Mr. Garrison: What?
Officer Barbrady: Can I go now?
Mr. Garrison: Yes-Yes, I'm sorry.
Officer Barbrady: [Leaves.] Weirdo.
Mr. Garrison: [Examining the pictures] It can't be. These can't be right.
Scene Description: Mr. Garrison walks to the guest closet and opens the door. He looks inside, and gasps loudly.
Mr. Garrison: Mr. Hat!
Scene Description: Chef's house. With three police cars already there, the boys arrive just in time. Inside, Chef is being cuffed by two police officers.
Stan: Wait! Wait! What are you doing?
Chef: It's over, children. I couldn't raise the $2 million to hire Johnnie Cochran. Now I have to go to jail.
Stan: No, you don't!
Chef: Huh?
Kyle: We went to a bunch of rock stars and sold them candy bars to raise the money you needed.
Chef: Did what?! Wow! How much did you make?
Kyle: Cartman?
Scene Description: Cartman is standing by the wagon with the cardboard thermometer of their earnings.
Cartman: Well, you can see here that we raised approximately $95, falling well short of our $2 million goal illustrated hyeeah.
Chef: [Dejected.] Oh.
Kyle: But we can put our money together with the money you made whoring yourself to all the women. How much did you make?
Chef: I made about $410,300, but-
Mr. Big record producer: That doesn't matter, because that money belongs to me!
Stan: You can't take Chef's money! It's illeg-!
Mr. Big record producer: I am above the law!
Scene Description: His hair falls into his face again, which he quickly fixes.
Officer: All right, you, it's time to go.
Chef: Goodbye, children. Thanks for all your help.
Officer: Let's go.
Scene Description: The officer hits Chef with a baton.
Chef: Ow! What the hell did you do that for?!
Officer: I don't tell you how to do your job, don't tell me how to do mine.
Scene Description: The officers lead him out, continuing to hit him.
Chef: Ow! Ow!
Kyle: Dude... Chef is gone.
Stan: No more Chef.
Cartman: [Voice breaking.] No more Salisbury steak and... pecan pie. [He starts sobbing.]
Stan: We can't let him down, you guys.
Stan: Dude, it's over. He's gone.
Stan: No! Chef wouldn't give up on us. How many times has Chef gotten us out of trouble?
Cartman: Four.
Kyle: But what are we gonna do?
Stan: It's easy, dude. Chef Aid.
Kyle: Chef Aid?
Stan: Yeah. We set up a stage, and have Cartman do the German Dance. Then we charge people for tickets.
Kyle: Hey, that's a great idea!
Cartman: Yeah!
Scene Description: Mr. Garrison's house. He paces back and forth in front of Mr. Hat. Mr. Garrison is in his underwear, Mr. Hat is seated in the armchair.
Mr. Garrison: Did you think I would just take you back? Like you can just, walk out and then, come back like nothing happened? Oh, don't look at me like that, Mr. Hat. Remember, you're the one that left.
Scene Description: Mr. Garrison grabs him.
Mr. Garrison: I'm not going to take you back.
Scene Description: He takes Mr. Hat to his front door and throws him into the street.
Mr. Garrison: You can just go to hell! You go to hell and you die!
Scene Description: He walks out into the street.
Mr. Garrison: You are a lying bowl of turd, Mr. Hat!
Scene Description: Mr. Garrison's neighbors begin to congregate.
Mr. Garrison: ...I hope you starve, you lousy son of a bitch!
Scene Description: Mr. Garrison notices the crowd watching him. Officer Barbrady walks up to him.
Mr. Garrison: What are you all looking at? This is just between me and Mr. Hat.
Dr. Doctor: It's over, Mr. Garrison. This is it. We had enough.
Mr. Garrison: What do you mean?
Barbrady: I'm afraid it's the big house for you, fruitcake.
Mr. Garrison: What? Jail?
Scene Description: The boys have set up a very small stage upon which a banner reads, "Chef Aid". Cartman is back to his song and dance.
Cartman: I will do the German dance for you It's fun and gay and tra-la-la
Scene Description: A couple approaches the stand, bewildered.
Cartman: I hope my will enjoy my dance,
Scene Description: The couple leave.
Cartman: Fiddle-e-aye, fiddle-e-aye ay
Kyle: Hmm... This isn't going over so well.
Stan: [To Kyle.] Cartman just needs to put more into it. [To Cartman] Dance better, Cartman!
Cartman: [Faster.] Would you like sauerkraut, German boy, German boy? Yes, I'd like some sauerkraut, Fräulein Setski.
Scene Description: A white limousine pulls up.
Elton John: Howdy ho, boys.
Stan: Elton John! What are you doing here?
Elton John: It occurred to me that you might need some more help raising money for Chef.
Stan: Boy, do we!
Elton John: So I called a few friends, and we all decided to come over.
Scene Description: More limos quickly arrive.
Kyle: Wow, cool!
Elton John: I see you've got a stage all set up for us.
Stan: Yeah, dude, it's all yours.
Elton John: Then, let's rock and roll! Or something similar.
Cartman and Kenny: Hooray!
Scene Description: South Park Police Dept. Chef and Garrison now share the same cell.
Mr. Garrison: ...And Mr. Twig is at home, he has no idea Mr. Hat is even back. I mean, I care a lot about Mr. Twig, but Mr. Hat and I have so much history.
Chef: You finally snapped, huh, Garrison?
Mr. Garrison: What?
Chef: Don't you get it, Garrison? It's all you! You're Mr. Hat and Mr. Twig! You've got split personality schizophrenic jeebies.
Mr. Garrison: [Pause.] I warn you, Chef, don't even think of taking advantage of me in this prison cell.
Chef: What?!
Scene Description: Chef Aid. The stage is now larger, and has a PA system, drums, floodlights, and spotlights.
Teen MC: Okay, thanks for coming to Chef Aid, everybody! Are you ready to rock 'n' roll?!
Scene Description: Five people in the audience stand around, motionless.
Teen MC: Whoo!
Scene Description: No response.
Teen MC: All right, let's get things going with... Rancid! [Moves offstage and squeaks.] Ran-cid!
Scene Description: Rancid takes the stage.
Rancid: California sun has sunk
Scene Description: The five people in the audience immediately jump up and down very rapidly.
Rancid: Behind the Anaheim Hills, here it comes tonight
Scene Description: Lots of people start purchasing tickets.
Rancid: I was hiiiiiigh on junk-
Scene Description: South Park Police Dept. A short while later.
Mr. Garrison: [Emotionless.] You're still aren't entertaining ideas of raping me in this prison cell, are you, Chef?
Chef: No, Garrison! Shut the hell up!
Mr. Garrison: That's good.
Scene Description: Something pulls the cell wall apart, and the window falls, leaving a large opening.
Chef: What the?
Mr. Garrison: Oh, boy, we're free!
Scene Description: Mr. Garrison and Chef walk out to a truck.
Mr. Garrison: Wow, what a daring rescue.
Scene Description: He opens the driver's door.
Mr. Garrison: Mr. Hat! Mr. Hat saved us, Chef!
Scene Description: Chef is confused.
Mr. Garrison: Come on, let's get in the truck! I'll drive from here, Mr. Hat.
Chef: How the hell did he reach the gas pedal?
Scene Description: Chef Aid. Rick James has just ended a song. The group is now a large, cheering crowd.
Rick James: [Vocalizing] Mmmmm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mmmm
Teen MC: Rick James, ladies and gentlemen!
Rick James: God bless you, Chef!
Teen MC: And now here's your favorite band, Primus! Whoo!
Scene Description: Primus is on stage in large duck outfits.
Les Claypool: We're damned proud to be here to support our good buddy, Chef. It was Chef who told us in the early days, to keep trying and to keep pursuing our dreams, no matter how much we sucked. I love that man.
Scene Description: Primus begins to play. Someone holds up a poster saying, "We Love Chef". Mr. Mackey is being crowd surfing atop the crowd.
Mr. Mackey: Whooaa..!
Scene Description: Mr. Big record producer walks up to the boys.
Mr. Big record producer: What are you bastards doing?
Kyle: We are raising money so that Chef can hire Johnnie Cochran to sue you!
Cartman: Yeah! Now get out of here before I kick you in the nuts!
Mr. Big record producer: Oh, yeah? We'll just see about this!
Teen MC: And now, here's Joe Strummer! Whoo!
Joe Strummer: You know, when The Clash were on tour and we lost the beat, Chef would be like at the side of the stage going, "Don't forget, pump your loins, children." You know, that was like his motto or something.
Teen MC: Whoo!
Joe Strummer: Well, it's a rockin' world Make no mistake about it
Scene Description: Mr. Garrison and Chef pull up.
Joe Strummer: It's a shocking world
Scene Description: Chef exits, surprised.
Joe Strummer: Could be what's so great about it It's a rockin' world...
Chef: What the hell is this?
Scene Description: The music stops, and the crowd turns to face him.
Everyone: Welcome to Chef Aid, Chef!
Stan: Wow! How'd you get out of jail, Chef?
Chef: Mr. Hat busted me out. Children, did you do this?
Kyle: Well, we helped.
Stan: We're gonna raise your money, Chef.
Chef: I don't believe it!
Scene Description: Mr. Big record producer crawls under the stage with a saw.
Mr. Big record producer: We'll just see how long this Chef Aid thing lasts.
Scene Description: He starts sawing at one of the stage supports, laughing cruelly.
Teen MC: And now, here he is TV's Ozzy Osbourne!
Ozzy Osbourne: We're all here to help our good friend, Chef, who has touched our lives in the past.
Scene Description: Johnnie Cochran is now in the crowd listening.
Ozzy Osbourne: I remember when I was just starting out, Chef suggested I buy a pompadour hat. I thought he said, "Bite the head off a bat", so I did. And the rest, oh, it's just history. Now, let's go crazyyy!
Scene Description: Music starts and crowd roars.
Ozzy Osbourne: Ain't nowhere to run!
Scene Description: Mr. Big record producer is still sawing.
Ozzy Osbourne: Ain't nowhere to hide!
Scene Description: Ozzy picks up Kenny and bites into his head.
Ozzy Osbourne: Aarrggghhh!!!
Kenny: (All right dude, let me go now!)
Scene Description: Ozzy looks up with a bloody mouth, and Kenny's head is missing. The music dies down.
Stan: Oh, my God! Ozzy Osbourne bit Kenny's head off!
Kyle: You bastard!
Teen MC: And now here's Ween!
Scene Description: The crowd cheers. The band members, Dean and Gene are wearing "I'm in Ween" tees.
Dean Ween: We're thrilled to be part of Chef Aid.
Gene Ween: Chef was the guy who told us to do a country album.
Dean Ween: No, dude, that was Steve's idea.
Gene Ween: Oh. Then who's Chef?
Dean Ween: I don't know, dude. I thought you knew him.
Gene Ween: Oh, well. Anyways, here's our song!
Ween: Many colors in the homo rainbow Don't be afraid to let your colors shine shiiiiiiiiiiine
Scene Description: Out in the crowd, Mr. Garrison has both Mr. Hat, and Mr. Twig.
Mr. Garrison: Don't worry, Mr. Twig. Even though Mr. Hat rescued me from prison, I'm still going to stick with you.
Mr. Twig: [In a French accent.] Did you love him?
Mr. Garrison: It doesn't matter. He left me.
Mr. Twig: Did you love him?
Mr. Garrison: Yes.
Mr. Twig: Then run to him.
Mr. Garrison: But I feel like I'm making the wrong decision.
Mr. Twig: Love isn't a decision, it's a feeling. If we could decide who we love, it would be much simpler, but much less magical.
Mr. Garrison: I'll never forget you, Mr. Twig. Thank you.
Scene Description: Mr. Garrison tosses Mr. Twig away, and pulls out Mr. Hat, and smiles.
Teen MC: And now, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Elton John! Whoo!
Scene Description: The crowd cheers.
Elton John: Thank you all for coming to help Chef. This is a song written by a very special little boy. I have no idea what his name is, but who the hell cares? Anyway, he wrote it for his girlfriend.
Scene Description: He starts playing as the crowd cheers.
Elton John: Wake up, Wendy!
Scene Description: Wendy smiles and looks over at Stan, who smiles back.
Elton John: Smell the coffee...
Kyle: Hey, that's your song for Wendy!
Cartman: Ha-ha, you're a wuss.
Scene Description: Stan punches Cartman. Mr. Big record producer is still sawing, finally getting through and the stage tilts slightly, with Elton John still playing. The lights short out and the audience is stunned.
Producer: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! I win! You lose! Chef Aid is over, and you didn't raise near enough money to pay Cochran's legal fees. Ha-ha-ha-ha, I win!
Narrator: And what happened then? Well, in South Park they say...
Scene Description: A little x-ray panel comes up and shows Cochran's heart.
Narrator: Johnnie Cochran's heart grew three sizes that day.
Scene Description: His heart grows in size and bursts through the panel, which then disappears.
Johnnie Cochran: Wait! [Walks to Chef.] Mr. Chef, this music has really touched me. I like to take up your case, free of charge!
Chef: You will?
Johnnie Cochran: I will.
Scene Description: Everyone cheers.
Producer: No!
Johnnie Cochran: We'll see you in court, Mr. Record Producer.
Producer: [Dropping to his knees.] Noooooooo!
Scene Description: Courthouse. Cochran now represents Chef, and the record producer has a new lawyer. The boys are now among the spectators.
Johnnie Cochran: Ladies and gentlemen of this supposed jury, you must now decide whether or not to reverse the decision for my client, Chef. I know he seems guilty, but ladies and gentlemen, this...
Scene Description: He pulls down his display.
Johnnic Cochran: ...is Chewbacca. Now think about that for one minute. That does not make sense. Why am I talkin' about Chewbacca when a man's life is on the line? Why? I tell you why. I don't know. It doesn't make sense. If Chewbacca does not make sense, you must acquit!
Scene Description: Johnnie Cochran now holds up a monkey.
Johnnie Cochran: Here, look at the monkey. Look at the silly monkey.
Scene Description: A juror chokes a bit, then his head explodes.
Scene Description: Outside. The courthouse entrance opens, and Chef emerges with Stan, Kyle, and Cartman behind him. Reporters gather around him.
Reporter: Chef, how does it feel to be a free man and finally have your name credited on the song, "Stinky Britches"?
Chef: It feels great! I just can't find the words to thank all the artists who put on Chef Aid. And most of all, I want to thank the children.
Reporter: So, what are you gonna do now?
Chef: Get back to what's important. It's Tuesday. And means tomorrow is tuna casserole day.
Stan Kyle and Cartman: Hooray!
Scene Description: End of Chef Aid. Chef's version of "Stinky Britches" plays through closing credits.