Scene Description: Daytime at the apartment building Sharon and her kids moved into the last episode. Stan's clock read 6:59 AM. Inside his window you can see Whistlin' Willy's, and beyond that, the South Park Library. Stan had moved to Downtown South Park. The clock strikes 2 and the radio comes on, waking him up. A morning variety radio show comes on
Big Harry: Oh that's funny, that's real funny. Big Harry and Mike in the Morning talkin' about the new hit movie [poop sounds], a great comedy, starring [poop sounds] and [poop sounds].
Mike: I saw the movie last night, Big Harry, and it made me laugh so hard! This movie's about a [poop sounds] heh, he was suddenly all like [poop sounds] Aw, man it's great!
Big Harry: Big Harry and Mike in the Morning. We'll talk more about it but let's get to some music. The new Tween Wave band [poop sounds] with their song [poop sounds. The song begins to play. Stan sits up and turns the radio off]
Scene Description: Stan sits still for a few seconds, then still half-awake he goes into the shower and just stands there without taking off his hat. Later, he's at table as Sharon prepares breakfast for him. Shelly is sitting right in front of the TV eating cereal
Announcer: Coming this fall to Fox/CBS/FX. Jurassic Park and Lost in the same TV show! [poop sounds] Dinosaurs! [poop sounds] Lost Humans! [poop sounds] Future, yes! [poop sounds]
Scene Description: Sharon serves Stan his breakfast, which looks to Stan like a long tube of poop topped with a butter square. Stan just look at it, still half-asleep
Sharon: Stanley, eat your waffles. [Stan gets his knife and fork and cuts into the waffles, then starts eating.]
Scene Description: The sidewalk, morning. Stan has finished breakfast and is headed for the school bus stop with his head down. Be begins to hear the other boys as he draws near
Kyle: Oh shut up Cartman! You don't even know what you're talking about!
Cartman: Oh yeah! I saw it on the news, Kyle! The school is gonna make us all get shots again! [at this point Stan stops and stands alongside the other boys, but he's still looking at the ground] But this time it's so that we don't get warts in our vaginas!
Kenny: (Are you serious?!)
Cartman: Yep!
Kyle: That's only a vaccination for girls, stupid!
Cartman: Then why are they sayin' that gettin' vaccinated at school is gonna make us all retarded?
Kyle: [sighs gruffly] Because some people think vaccinations can give you autism or Asperger's!
Cartman: Wait what?
Kyle: That's what they're talking about on the news!
Cartman: Wait, there's a disease called Assburgers?
Kyle: Yes!
Cartman: You are so lying! There's no disease called fuckin' Assburgers!
Kyle: You wanna bet? [begins to move off] Let's go ask my Dad right now!
Cartman: Okay, you're on, Jew! [he and Kenny follow Kyle away. Several seconds later, the bus shows up and Stan gets on. He takes an empty seat and no one sits next to him. He leans against the window, looking very sad]
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, Fourth Grade. Stan is in class, looking sad, and the seats that would hold Kyle, Kenny, and Cartman are empty.
Mr. Garrison: And so children, at noon today, all the girls will go to the gymnasium for their vaccinations, and boys will head on out to recess. [on the blackboard he had written "HPV Vaccination Day"]
Butters: Do the girls get their shots right in the vagina?
Mr. Garrison: No. Butters, that's not how it works.
Officer Barbrady: [offscreen] Mr. Garrison, [now onscreen] these three boys were caught playing hooky.
Cartman: Did you guys know there's actually a disease called Assburgers? [Stan is hearing everything as if from a distance]
Mr. Garrison: Sit down boys, we'll talk about this later. Right now we're talking about vaginal warts.
Wendy: This isn't fair! How can the school make us get vaccinated?
Butters: You mean little hamburgers grow in your butthole?
Cartman: That's right, it's a butt fungus.
Butters: Well I don't want burgers comin' out of my butt!
Stan: [in an angry outburst] God, shut up! Everyone just shut the fuck up! [looks around glaring at everyone, who look back at him, stunned]
Scene Description: Mr. Mackey's office, moments later
Mr. Mackey: M'kay, Stan, you, you've gotta try and pull yourself out of this, m'kay? I know that... your parents recently got divorced. M'kay, that's gotta be hard. I know that's... that's bad. But when you walk around all mopey, m'kay, and sayin' everything is... just shitty, well, that's called bein' a Debbie Downer, Stan. And nobody likes a Debbie Downer, m'kay. ...I mean you've gotta, you've gotta snap out of it, Debbie. Come on, Debbie, you're even bummin' me out now, m'kay? Your attitude just- just sucks.
Stan: [after a few seconds' silence] I just want everything to go back to the way it was.
Mr. Mackey: Okay, well, that's not gonna happen, Debbie. Okay, you know, uh life, life has to change, m'kay?
Stan: How?... When all the things that made you laugh, just make you sick. How do you go on when nothing makes you happy? [tears start to well up around his eyes]
Mr. Mackey: Huh... e-excuse me a minute, Stan. m'kay? [stands up, goes to his desk, picks up his phone and starts dialing] Uh, hi, Ms. Bronski? Did we vaccinate Stan for the flu last year? We did? Uh oh... I think he's got Asperger's.
Scene Description: Breaking News
Announcer: This is breaking news, from CNN! Or Fox or, whatever. [The logos for Fox News, CNN, and MSNBC go by] Fuck you.
Anchor: The first documented case of a child developing Asperger syndrome from school vaccinations [a shot of a syringe and the words "ASPERGER'S SYNDROME" appear] has put the government in a tight spot. [a shot of Stan] At a press conference today the media heard from the young boy's father, Steamy Ray Vaughn.
Randy: It's pretty shitty when you work so hard to be a great parent, and then the "government" comes along and with one shot turns your child into a "mentally incapacitated" freak! I mean look at him. He's disinterested, depressed, self-loathing. It's most likely the reason his mother and I got divorced!
Anchor: In response to the embarrassment, the President of the United States has passed "Stan's Bill," putting an end to school-mandated vaccinations.
Scene Description: At the White House
Aide 1: Mr. President, the bill is ready. [the duck, wearing a tailor-made suit, quacks, with shit splattering out of its mouth]
Aide 2: Just sign right here, Mr. President. [the duck quacks again, splattering shit all over the document]
Aide 1: Aaand if you could just sign this one as well, Mr. President. [the duck quacks again, splattering shit all over the second document. The parties involved gather for a quick photo opportunity]
Anchor: It is yet unknown if any other children have contracted from the vaccinations, but if so, multimillion-dollar lawsuits are probably not far behind.
Scene Description: Cartman's house, morning. He's in the kitchen cooking up a bunch of burgers. He's got two patties in a large pan, and he begins to sing.
Cartman: Turn on your heart light. Let it shine wherever you go. Let it make a happy glow-
Scene Description: South Park Elementary. Cartman approaches the nurse's office, having gotten excused from class. He stops, clears his throat, and enters. He starts to moan as he approaches the examination bed. He hops on and sits down
Nurse Bronski: Eric, what is it this time?
Cartman: [coughing somewhat] Fever... Light... lightheadedness... I don't know what's wrong with me.
Nurse Bronski: [puts down her notepad and starts examining him] You don't feel warm.
Cartman: Oh, that's a relief. I thought maybe I had a fever but I- oh OH. Oh my buns! There's a sharp pain in my buns!
Nurse Bronski: Can you lay on your stomach?
Cartman: I-I'll try. I'll try. [lays on his stomach. The nurse sees something under his pants and pulls them back.]
Nurse Bronski: What the? [pulls back the briefs and pulls out a wrapped item, then unwraps it] What is this? A hamburger? [indeed, that's what she's holding]
Cartman: A what??
Nurse Bronski: [pulls out another hamburger] Why are there hamburgers in your underwear?
Cartman: Are you serious? How can there be- [sighs] Oh my God! You're saying I have assburgers??
Nurse Bronski: [pulls out a third hamburger] This doesn't make sense. Are you trying to sneak food into the school or something?
Cartman: What are you talking about?? I got vaccinated from the school, and now clearly I have Assburgers!
Nurse Bronski: Very funny!
Cartman: Well I'm glad you think Assburgers is funny! Just note my condition on your records there!
Nurse Bronski: Get out of my office!
Scene Description: The school hallway. Kyle is at his locker as Wendy approaches.
Wendy: Hey Kyle? [immediately he knows what she's going to ask] Have you heard anything at all from Stan?
Kyle: I've tried, Wendy. I've called him, I've been to his house. But since his diagnosis, all he's done is gotten worse.
Wendy: I don't know what to do. It's like he's... completely turned off.
Boy 1: Those two should just screw and get it over with!
Boy 2: Yeaahh...
Kyle: I can't keep doing it, Wendy. I know he has an illness, but goddamn, it uh, it's like being around a black hole that just sucks the life out of everything.
Wendy: Look, maybe what we should do is all go over to his house together, an-and that way we could-
Kyle: [puts his notebook away and closes his locker door] NO. I can't, Wendy. [walking away] All his negativity is starting to make me depressed. I have to let him go. [stops] And whatever happens next, I'm going to embrace with a totally [makes a fist with his right hand and pounds it into his left palm] positive attitude.
Cartman: [rounds a corner and walks past Wendy and Kyle] Godamned stupid school nurse! Heartless bitch!
Kyle: What's the matter dude?
Cartman: [stops and backs up] I spent all morning making hamburgers for nothing! That's what's the matter!
Kyle: You made hamburgers? Well that's awesome! I'd love one. [reaches for a burger and bites into it. That burger might have been in Cartman's underwear] Mmm. Hm, wow [swallows] This is really good, Cartman.
Cartman: Really?
Kyle: Yeah. [a girl walks by] Hey Riley! Try this hamburger. [hands her a burger] Cartman made them himself.
Riley: [unwraps and eats it] Wow. What is that?
Kyle: Seriously, Cartman. You could make money with these!
Cartman: Gee, thanks Kyle!
Scene Description: Asperger's Research Center, day. A researcher takes Sharon and Stan on a tour of the facility
Researcher: The truth is we still know very little about Asperger syndrome, Mrs. Marsh. All our patients here show the same social awkwardness that your son exhibits. [they stop next to a seated man who has wrapped his legs behind his neck and is making bubbles with bubble solution and farts] Good morning Mr. Mathers.
Mr. Mathers: Goodbye, doctor [farts into the blower]
Researcher: [signs and moves on] It's as if they all have an inability to distinguish from what is socially acceptable and what is not. [they stop by a man urinating on a wall. Sharon and Stan notice what he's doing] We've got a new patient, Martin. I want you to meet Stan.
Martin: [turns around, still urinating, and Stan gets peed on] Nice to meet you.
Researcher: [moves on. Martin faces the wall again] Here at the treatment center, our focus is on awareness. [Stan shakes his head to get the piss off] Asperger's is serious, but unfortunately because of its name people think it's a disease to be made fun of. [the researcher opens a door to Room 209, a room of adults who are mentally deficient in one way or another. The adults are doing odd things and making odd sounds. He enters as Sharon and Stan look on a bit worried.] Alright everyone, let's have a seat. [Martin comes in, still urinating, and takes a seat. Stan finds a spot on a sofa and sits there.] Oh uh, we'll be done at about 5 pm, Mrs. Marsh. I'll call if it's any earlier.
Sharon: Oh, right, uh. Good bye, Stan. I-I love you. [leaves and closes the door. Everyone sits in silence for a few minutes, then]
Researcher: Alright, are we clear?
Neo: We're clear! [everyone begins to move normally and arm themselves. They turn into Matrix characters]
Morpheus: Watch that window, Puck! [Neo gets into position by the window] Everyone, make sure this room isn't bugged! [the others seal the room] Alright Stan, listen up! We don't have a lot of time! You've been told Asperger's is real! It isn't! It's just a front we use to stay hidden!
Stan: Wait, it's not a real illness?
Morpheus: Of course not! If there was a social development disease, you wouldn't call it Asperger's! That's just, that's just mean! [Stan says silent] There's a big war going on out there, Stan, and we want you to join our fight to bring it all down!
Stan: [gets off the sofa and walks towards the door] Uh, nooo nonono, we're not doing this!
Morpheus: You've broken through their reality and they don't like it! Others deserve to know the truth! You see everything as shit, don't you?! [Stan stops in his tracks, astounded] Where other people see fun movies and hear cool music, all you see and hear is shit! Am I right?
Stan: [turns around] Yeah.
Neo: So do we. All of us here. We know the truth too.
Morpheus: We found a way to make it stop, Stan. Now are you interested? Or not?
Scene Description: Cartman Burger, day. Cartman has set up a burger stand in front of his house. Burgers are $5 each. Butters and Kenny are dressed in Cartman Burger uniforms and are helping Cartman run the stand, with Kyle at the grill. To Cartman's left is a booth made from a large Thompson delivery box that now houses a secret last process in burger preparation. A bunch of kids have already gathered and are eating the hottest thing in the neighborhood. Among the bunch are Scott, Craig, Kevin, and Lola. Kevin has just bought his burger and chips
Cartman: Next order, please! Get your Cartman Burgers here, fresh and flavorful.
Clyde: [walking by eating a burger] I just can't believe how yummy these are.
Cartman: There you go, Molly, and a bag of chips.
Molly: Thanks!
Cartman: How are we doing on those patties, Jew?
Kyle: About three minutes, fatass!
Cartman: Nice!
Butters: Jeez, we're out of finished burgers again, Eric. We need more.
Cartman: It's alright. I think another batch is just finishing off in our top-secret flavor enhancer.
Kyle: [rushes up in time to stop him] Dude, come on Cartman. As employees, don't you think we should get to see what the final secret flavor enhancer is?
Cartman: I'm sorry Kyle, but if we compromise our final cooking process, then our patented flavor will be everywhere, and we'll have to go back to school. Now, let me get those hamburgers. [Kyle may have noticed, but he doesn't say anything about the burgers stuffed down behind Cartman's ass and legs. Cartman goes into the booth, and moments later comes out with a fresh batch of finished burgers] Alright, these are good to go! [More kids have gathered. Among them are Esther, Heidi, Red, Bill, and Tommy.]
Scene Description: Asperger's Research Center, day. The people there set up their secret headquarters - computers, monitors, probes, etc.
Morpheus: Alright, is he ready to be sent in?
Bald guy: He's ready! Beta levels are normal.
Stan: Who are you people?
Morpheus: We are the Secret Society of Cynics. [walks off a bit and sighs] Everything looks like shit to you, right? What if I were to tell you... that you're seeing the world the way it actually is?
Stan: Huh?
Morpheus: The world around us has all completely turned to shit. But aliens are putting out a brainwave that keeps most people seeing a false reality
Stan: Aliens?
Morpheus: Or, robots from the future, whatever. The point is they need to keep everyone in a blissful state of ignorance.
Neo 2: Yeah. Everything used to be awesome and cool, but now everything's gone to shit and nobody knows except us!
Neo: Yeah!
Stan: Because of aliens? [crosses his arms]
Morpheus: Or genetically altered humans, whatever, fuck you! All that matters is that you are the key to bringing this whole thing down. They know who we are, but they won't be expecting you! Are you ready to go back into the illusionary world you once lived in?
Stan: Yeah I'm ready!
Morpheus: Let's send him in! [a member of the society prepares a drink for Stan - whiskey on the rocks - and gives it to Morpheus, who hands it over to Stan] Drink this. [Stan hesitates, then takes it and drinks it down. He steps outside and everything is as lovely as it ever was. No signs of shit anywhere.]
Stan: Ahhhh! [walks around town looking at it with a new sense of wonder, but his walking is off] Oh coool!
Scene Description: in a theater viewing an Adam Sandler film
Adam Sandler: Jill, you got a date with Al Pacino?
Jill: I think Al Pacino wants to play Twister with your sister.
Stan: [laughs rather heartily, looking drunk] Adam Sandler's funny.
Scene Description: Cartman Burger, day. A crowd of kids has gathered, either enjoying their burgers or waiting in line. The little stand has been replaced by a bigger, studier stand, with a wooden awning along the façade and a covered area behind it. Some makeshift tables have been set out. Butters isn't present yet
Butters: [approaches Kyle] Hey Kyle, you have a visitor. [Kyle leaves to see who it is]
Kyle: Stan? [Stan is looking away, drunk]
Stan: [sees him] Kyle! [falls into Kyle's arms]
Kyle: Hey, Stan!
Stan: [his speech is slurred] Dude, I'm sorry. I've been a shitty friend. I miss my buddy. You were right: Adam Sandler is fuckin' hysterical!
Kyle: Stan, are you alright?
Stan: Yeah dude, I totally get it now. I can see how lame I was saying everything was, was shit.
Kyle: Really? Uh, Stan, that's great. [smiles. Cartman leans back and looks over from the stand]
Stan: [squints his eyes] But Kyle, it's all shit! For real! It's all shit 'cause the aliens with AI and you and me are gonna fuck it all up! Come on! [turns around excitedly]
Kyle: Dude. Have you been drinking?
Stan: You're not listening to me, Kyle. Dude, we have to go do this one thing, and then everything can go back to normal!
Kyle: It's too late for that. Things just can't go back, Stan, uh. [Cartman takes a quick order, then looks back at Stan and Kyle] Ah-I'm with Cartman Burger now.
Stan: ...Dude, Cartman Burger? Seriously? How shitty- is that fuckin' concept? [Cartman walks over, drying his hands off in the process]
Kyle: See? There you go again. Look at you dude. Look what you've become.
Cartman: Everything alright here, Kyle?
Kyle: Yeah, it's fine.
Cartman: We're uh gonna need some more patties pretty soon.
Kyle: Yeah yeah, ahh I'll be right there.
Stan: Come on, Kyle. This is about you and me, remember?!
Kyle: Look, dude, things around here have changed. Sometimes, the only way to keep going is to make a left turn.
Stan: [a couple of seconds of silence, then Stan gives him the finger.] Fuck you Kyle, you're a piece of shit! [Kyle sighs and walks back to the burger stand] ...Kyle, I love you. [Kyle reappears a few seconds later, and Stan gives him the finger again.] You're a piece of shit though. Fuck you! [Kyle turns heel and walks back towards the stand] ...I love you. [Kyle does not return]
Scene Description: Next morning, Stan's room. The radio alarm wakes him up at 7, as usual. Laughter comes from the speaker
Big Harry: Big Harry and Mike in the Morning and in case you didn't catch last night's episode of [poop sounds], we're breakin' it down.
Mike: Oh Big Harry, when the [poop sounds] ran into the [poop sounds]- [Stan sits up, then scoots towards the alarm]
Big Harry: Nonono, no! How about when [poop sounds. Stan turns off the alarm, then hops off the bed.].
Scene Description: Asperger's Research Center, day. Stan goes into the center with a bad headache. He has a hangover.
Morpheus: He's back! [the other members jump up and gather around Stan] Did you see the illusionary world again?
Neo: How does it feel to be back in the Matrix?
Stan: I feel like total shit.
Bald Guy: It's okay. That's just your brain levels adjusting back to the real world.
Morpheus: Try and focus, Stan: we've found them! We know where the rock creatures are now.
Stan: The rock creatures?
Morpheus: Or aliens, or AI- things. Whatever, fuck you.
Stan: Dude, I canh- I... I can't do any...
Neo: He's gonna pop! [Stan vomits and falls over on his face. He passes out. The other members gather around him even closer. Fade to black. Some time later, Stan's eyes blink.]
Morpheus: Come on kid, there's not a lot of time left.
Neo: You're pushin' him too hard!
Stan: Ugh God.
Morpheus: Stan, you have to convince people they're living in a world of illusion. We're sending you back in! [a pair of doors in the ceiling slide open and a giant bottle of Jameson Irish Whiskey drops down, being held in place by a robotic arm. A nippled syringe pulls forward and enters Stan's mouth and begins pumping him full of whiskey. Stan can only look down helplessly]
Scene Description: A darkened boardroom. Sevem shadowed figures sit around a boardroom table
Figure 1: We all know why we are here. There's a rebellion in our midst and it must be SQUASHED OUT! [it's a McDonald's executive] We have to put an end, to Cartman Burgers. [the other executives seen are from KFC, Burger King, Pizza Hut, Subway, Chick-fil-A, and Taco Bell.]
Other execs: Yes, yes, but what do we do?
KFC exec: At KFC we've seen a 50% drop in sales.
Pizza Hut exec: It's worse at Pizza Hut. Cartman Burgers choked out the market.
McDonald's exec: [gets up from his chair and paces a bit] What makes them so good? For whatever reason, these Cartman Burgers satisfy the taste cravings from all of our restaurants!
Taco Bell exec: [walks up to a chart and then turns to show the other execs.] There lies the secret. [eight restaurants are shown on the chart, including City Wok. An arrow from each of the restaurants points towards a Cartman Burger in the middle] It's the chemical compounds from all our flavors. Pizza Hut, Burger King, KFC, all somehow infused into one burger.
KFC exec: [walks up to a whiteboard on which a chemical compound from each restaurant is shown being mixed in a beaker and the combined solution being distilled into the Cartman Burger] It's as if he's somehow taking all the ingredients of our food, breaking them down into some kind of... gas. And them somehow... infusing that gas into his hamburger. What kind of instrument could he be using to do this?
Pizza Hut exec: It would have to be some sort of super Dutch oven.
Burger King exec: But a Dutch oven with greater technology than we've ever seen. [Behind them, Stan breaks into the boardroom through the window]
Stan: [falls onto the floor] Aughah. [gets up and starts firing indiscriminately, moaning all the while. He falls on his back, fires off a few more shots, turns his head to his left side, and throws up. He passes out]
Scene Description: Some time later. The execs have tied him down to a chair quite securely and wait a while. An arm reaches forward and tries to rouse him
McDonald's exec: Hey! Wake up. Come on now, wake up! [looks at the Taco Bell Exec] Use the smelling salts! [the Taco Bell Exec puts an enchirito under Stan's nose]
Stan: [sniffs and then smacks his lips a bit, finally waking up] ...Enchirito?
McDonald's exec: You know the secret?
Stan: What? You guys are aliens?
McDonald's exec: Stop playing with us! What's the secret behind Cartman Burger's amazing taste?!
Stan: Dude, I don't know!
Taco Bell exec: He's lying! [reaches into his back pocket and pulls out a picture of Kyle] You see this kid in the picture? This guy is his best friend.
McDonald's exec: Ah ha!
Stan: I'm not friends with him.
Taco Bell exec: They've been through everything together. Inseparable.
Stan: No, no, we don't hang out anymore.
McDonald's exec: Oho right, like someone would just walk away from a friendship like that?
Stan: Dude, I didn't walk away! I turned 10 and everything he wanted to do seemed shitty to me, so I-!
McDonald's exec: Oh sure! Anyone would ditch out on their best friend 'cause they weren't feeling good! Now stop playing games and tell us why Cartman Burgers is so delicious!
Stan: I don't know!
McDonald's exec: Alright, I guess we're going to have to do this the hard way.
Scene Description: Cartman Burger, day. The place is packed with kids now. The crew is taking a break: Kenny and Butters are chatting by the grill as Kyle delivers some burgers to Cartman.
Kyle: There, ten mediums and five medium-rares.
Cartman: Alright, I'll take these to the flavor enhancer.
Kyle: Next please. [smiles, but quickly frowns upon seeing the next customer] Oh, hey.
Stan: Kyle, you've gotta tell me the secret to Cartman Burger.
Kyle: What are you doing?
Stan: How do you guys make them so yummy?
Kyle: I don't know.
McDonald's exec: [hiding in some bushes with the other execs] You'd BETTER get him to tell you or you're getting shot in the back of the head! [The Chick-fil-A exec has a sniper's gun trained on Stan's head. Stan is wearing an ear piece] You got that?!
Stan: [panicking, but with great restraint] Dude, just tell me the secret to Cartman Burger
Kyle: Why?! So that we can lose our business and everything can go back to old times?!
Stan: No, because there's aliens with a sniper-chicken on me.
Kyle: [rolls his eyes] Oh God! Look, I know you got Asperger's from the school and I I'm sorry. But your negativity is poison to me!
McDonald's exec: Oh, right. Like a friend would walk out on somebody who was diagnosed with a serious illness!
Stan: Dude, I'm sorry that I've been bumming you out, but it's not my fault!
Kyle: You said "fuck you" to my face, Stan.
Stan: Dude, I didn't realize what I was saying.
McDonald's exec: Oh yeah, like any friend would say something that severe and then try to take it back.
Kyle: Alright, look. I honestly don't know the secret, dude. Only Cartman does, and that's how it's gonna work for us.
McDonald's exec: [comes out of the bushes and goes to the stand] Goddamnit this is getting us nowhere! [the other execs follow him onto the sidewalk] Everyone get back! Do you wanna play hardball?! That's fine! [the Chick-fil-A exec wields his gun and the kids scream and scatter. The McDonald's exec goes to the Secret Last Process Booth] All right, let's see this mighty machine once and for all! [before he can see anything, he's gunned down by the drunken research center/Matrix members, who then start firing away indiscriminately with their semi-automatics]
Morpheus: [dispatching the Taco Bell exec] You vampire sons of bitches! [the Chick-fil-A, Burger King and Subway execs go down, then the Pizza Hut and Taco Bell execs]
Neo: Haha! [accidentally shoots himself in the head and goes down]
Morpheus: Alright, nice work Stan. Now comes the final step! You have to take out Duck President!
Stan: Just stop it! You people are so full of shit!
Mr. Mathers: Uh oh, looks like the serum is wearing off! [whips out a glass and a bottle of whiskey] Here, you'd better take some more! [pours the whiskey in the glass]
Stan: No, I'm done with that! [slaps it away from the member's hand]
Morpheus: But Stan, you have to take down the bad guys and go through a personal transformation, so that everything can go back to the way it was!
Stan: I don't want everything to go back to the way it was! [suddenly calm] I, I don't. [he steps over the broken bottle, leaves and joins the other kids, who have returned] You were right, Kyle. Sometimes, the only way to go forward, is to take a big left turn. I've been resisting it, but I'm ready now. I want you to stay with Cartman Burger, dude. It's okay. You're gonna do this and I'm gonna do my thing and ...my mom and dad aren't getting back together. But you know what? It's okay. In fact, it's better. Change is gonna bring new things to all of us. Where will Cartman Burger go from here? That'll be cool to see. And it opens me up to a whole new adventure, exploring... new relationships with all new people in town. [approaches one boy] Maybe this kid will become my new best friend. [then another] Or maybe this kid will.
Douglas: Wow. [smiles]
Stan: Maybe it won't be like before, but... at least it'll all be new. And that's what's gonna make it so that I can keep going. For the first time in a long time, I'm really excited. [a horn and the sound of wheels stopping are heard]
Randy: [in the U-Haul truck] Stan? Stan! Get in the car, Stan! Your mom and I are movin' back in together!
Stan: [his face drops] What?
Randy: We worked it out, pal. Surprise!
Stan: No, dad, no. No, please!
Scene Description: At the apartment, Stan's room, day. Sharon and Stan talk
Sharon: [somber and unsure] We talked a lot and, we know it's what's best for you kids and, I don't know...
Stan: No, Mom, sometimes you've got- a left turn.
Sharon: People get older, Stanley. And as you get older you realize... the best thing to do is just... stick with what you know.
Scene Description: "Landslide" plays again, with everything going in reverse. The realtor removes the sign she had placed in front of the Marsh house. The Marsh family moves back in. Randy and Sharon work together to take the sofa back inside while Shelly carries her own box. Sharon sets up Stan's room again almost as he had it before they moved. Randy carries in another box of Stan's stuff. Stan looks out over the neighborhood from his window... which was apparently across from Cartman's house all this time, for he sees Cartman Burger and the crowd of kids and adults across the street.
Kyle: You were sticking these in your ass, Cartman?!
Crowd: Eeewww!
Scene Description: The sitting president, who is a duck, is removed and Barack Obama resumes his presidency. In his backyard, Randy Marsh makes a small bonfire of all his Steamy Ray Vaughn stuff. At Stark's Pond, Wendy and Stan share a picnic, but he's not interested enough to puke on her. At the dinner table, Stan isn't eating, but looks down and away. Finally, in his bedroom, the radio wakes him up at 7 AM., like always. His favorite morning show comes back on
Big Harry: I like that!
Mike: Yeah.
Big Harry: Big Harry and Mike in the Morning, talkin' about Two and a Half Men. I think Ashton Kutcher makes it the show to be seen, Mike.
Mike: Yeah, but what about that movie Dolphin Tale? I am psyched for that!
Big Harry: Dolphin Tale, Big Harry and Mike in the Morning. [Stan sits up] Let's hear one from the band Slamjammer and their song- [Stan turns the radio off. There's a knock on his door]
Kyle: [enters with Cartman and Kenny] Dude, we're gonna see the new Zoopeeker movie!
Cartman: The Zookeeper 2: Zookeepier! [they walk back out and away.]
Stan: ...K, coming. [hops out of bed and puts on his coat, going through the motions. He walks out to join the boys, but a few seconds later he returns to open a drawer, pull out a bottle of whiskey, opens it, takes a swig of it, closes it, and puts it back in the drawer. He doesn't bother to put on his shoes. He closes the drawer and heads back into the hall]


Scene Description: Cartman's backyard, day. By the fence, Cartman, wearing a ranger hat and outfit, and some other boys in similar attire, have erected a small U.S. border with a sign saying "Welcome to Texas" on it. The sign also has an outline of the State of Texas on it. Cartman is patrolling the border with DogPoo and Jason. They are holding Super-Soakers and pop-guns, plastic forks are duct-taped to the fence. Cartman scans for illegals with his binoculars
Cartman: [turns around] Alright, y'all, keep your eyes peeled and your guns ready. [spits something out, wipes his lips clean with the back of his shirt sleeve, and returns to patrolling the border] There's a heap of Mexicans out there who want nothin' more than to sneak past our border, and we've gotta stop them!
Liane: [walking out] Eric, you wanna say hi to Grandpa?
Cartman: Not now, Mom! We're playing Texans versus Mexicans! Gah! [turns to the boys on the ground - Clyde, Craig, and Timmy] All right, patrol, you all know the drill. Not one Mexican is to get past this border! Not a single one! Yeehaw!
The other four: Yeehaw! [Timmy stays silent]
Scene Description: In the woods nearby, Butters leads five other boys in a plot to get past the U.S. border at Cartman's house - Stan, Kyle, Kenny, Jimmy, and Token
Butters: Fellow Meheecans! This time, we're gonan try rushin' the Texans from the left side! Do not give up home, for I am Mantequilla! Viva la Meheeco!
Stan: Uh, Butters, I think we're gonna go back to Kyle being team leader.
Butters: [saddened] Oh, what, I'm not a good Meheecan?
Stan: You're a great Meheecan, Butters, but maybe just not a leader of Meheeco.
Kyle: Look, guys, all we need to do is split up and apply some good diversion tactics. We'll use the Texans' emotions against them.
Scene Description: Back at the border, Cartman scans the surrounding area, making sound effects while doing so
Cartman: [robot voice] Scanning for Mexicans. [more sound effects] Oh! [spots Kyle coming out of the woods] We've got a Mexican! [Clyde and Craig take up posts]
Kyle: Hey Texans! Let me through; we want a treaty!
Cartman: [to the other boys] He's trying a simple diversion tactic, thinks we're stupid. [to Kyle] Ha ha! You're gonna have to do better than that, Mexican!
Kyle: Better than being a fat-ass Texan!
Cartman: Hey! Just because I'm Texan, it doesn't mean I'm fat!
Kyle: No, you're fat to begin with, chubby! Now you're Texan too!
Cartman: Oh yeah?! Oh yeah?! Well, you're a fuckin' Jew, Kyle! And now you're a Mexican Jew! You dirty, no good... Mexijew! [Stan sneaks in past a cardboard box labelled "Christmas Ornaments"] Let's just see you try and-!
Stan: Base! [the others turn to see Stan in their midst]
Cartman: Clyde?! [descends from his perch atop the border and goes to Clyde] What the fuck are you doin'?! You just let a Mexican through!
Clyde: I was enthralled with the dialog exchange.
Cartman: Ugh, yeah?! Well, you all need to stay focused, Goddamnit! [Token appears at the other end of the border and hops over] If you let yourselves get distracted for even one minute, we're gonna be overrun with these jobless, no good-!
Token: Base!
Cartman: Dude!! [walks over to Craig] How did he get past the fence, Craig?!
Craig: I didn't hear him coming with all your screaming.
Cartman: Nobody's fuckin' screaming, Craig! Wake the fuck up! [Jimmy walks by in the foreground]
Jimmy: Eh, b-base.
Cartman: Oh, God! [throws down his hat]
Scene Description: Cartman's house, evening. All the boys are at the dining table eating dinner. Well, all except one. All of the ones present are laughing. Well, all except one.
Stan: So, so then, so then the pope says, "Maybe you should go check the toilet." [most of the other boys laugh]
Craig: Hey. Hey, I got one. [the other get quiet] Why do girls wear makeup and perfume?
Token: Why?
Craig: 'Cause they're ugly and they stink. [most of the other boys laugh]
Stan: Cartman, stop pouting that you lost the game.
Cartman: I'm not pouting! I've just heard all these jokes before!
Kyle: So then don't have a slumber party if you're gonna be an asshole all night!
Cartman: At least I have an asshole, Kyle! [the boys laugh]
Scene Description: As the boys enjoy themselves, the camera pulls back into the woods outside where it has begun to snow, far away we find one boy, shivering, sitting by a stream with a jug of water next to him, in this cold snowy night.
Butters: [thinking to himself] Boy, I've really done it this time. I have one simple direction: "Go that way." How did I end up getting lost? My amigos were right: I am a lousy Meheecan. They're all living the good life while I'm, while I'm stuck out here in Meheeco. I am... The Last of the Meheecans.
Scene Description: "The Last of the Meheecans" appears onscreen after the camera pans up into the sky
Butters: [wanders around] Hello? Anybody? Come on Mantequilla, you have to find that border! [walks further away, and finds a road. He walks along the shoulder and shivers as he sings] Lalala, lalala, Work Meheecan Work. Lalala, lalala, Work Meheecan Work. [A couple in a car drive up behind him]
Woman: Oh, careful darling, the storm is getting worse.
Man: It sure is. I-I can barely see. [Butters turns around and the woman suddenly sees him]</poem>
Woman: Oh my God look out it's a Mexican! [the man loses control and hits Butters, who simply tumbles off the car and onto the shoulder, face down. The couple stops the car and goes to check on Butters. The wife turns him over]
Man: Oh my God, are you alright?
Butters: Por favor, ehe, I have to get across the border. M-mis amigos, my a-, my amigos are waiting.
Man: Poor thing must have snuck across the border and then lost track of his family.
Butters: I, am Mantequilla, the last of the Meheecans.
Scene Description: The couple's house, night. There's something about the Spanish Colonial architecture in this house. The couple shows Butters to a spare room full of inspirational and religious messages. He will sleep here for the night
Woman: [showing him around the room] Guest room. Guest room. Bed, bed. Pillow. You're going to be okay. [kneels before him] Do you understand?
Man: Darling, I don't know if we can keep him.
Woman: What are we supposed to do?! Call the police?! And have him shipped back to Mexico like some animal?! [to Butters] Win-dow. Wiinnn-dow.
Man: Yep, window.
Woman: [pleased] Bueno! [to her husband] He'll have so much more opportunity here than he ever would in Mexico! [to Butters] Window. Windooow. [gives him a bottle of] Win-dex. Wiiin-dex, Mantequilla. Paper towel. [squirts some Windex onto the towel and takes Butters to the window] Sí, sí Mantequilla [shows Butters how to clean the window, then leaves him to continue doing it himself]
Man: Auhp, be sure to get the edges.
Woman: Oh darling, it's wonderful.
Scene Description: Cartman's house, night. The boys have gone to sleep in the basement, the TV is now white noise and static, food, toys, video and board games litter the floor. Everyone is soundly asleep, sprawled out randomly atop pillows and sleeping bags, Timmy in his wheelchair, the camera zooms out to reveal Cartman tossing and turning in his sleeping bag.
Cartman: [talking in his sleep] No. NO! Must protect the border! Everyone's gettin through! No! Clyde! We're losing! Kyle go through! Oh no, now Stan's through! And Jimmy! It's over! The only Mexican left is Butters; we've got... [wakes up] Butters! [gets up, then tries to get the others up] Hey! Wake up you guys! Wake up, losers!
Stan: What are you talking about?
Cartman: Where is Butters?
Kyle: [after a few seconds] He was with us at dinner. Wait. Was he with us at dinner?
Stan: Yeah, I think he was? Wait.
Craig: Butters is one of those people who you can never remember if he was there or not.
Scene Description: Outside Cartman's house, night. The boys turn on the patio light and walk out through the sliding doors in back the snow is starting to cover the yard.
Kyle: Butters?
Stan: Butters!
Kyle: [hugs himself] Jesus, it's freezing out here. He, he could be dead.
Cartman: [puts on his ranger hat, now speaking in his Texan voice] All right men, rally up! There's still a Mexican out there and he ain't gettin' through! [walks towards the woods, but stops long enough to tell Kyle] You haven't won yet! [smiles evilly and moves on] Game on!
Craig: Game on!
Kyle: Wugh, game on. [puts on his mustache]
Scene Description: The couple's house, Morning. Butters is wearing a hairnet, washing dishes and humming to himself. His face is filthy.
Butters: Work, Mexican, Work. [hums some more] Work, Mexican, Work
Woman: [arrives at the kitchen entrance] Mantequiila? Mantequilla, come to the living room. We have a surprise for you. [leaves. Butters follows her out]
Scene Description: The living room. A large box wrapped up and tied with a bow sits in the middle
Man: Surprise! We've scraped some money together and got you something. [Butters grins]
Woman: It's a present, Mantequilla. Un presente.
Butters: Wow! A present just for me? [starts to unwrap it]
Woman: Oh he's such a happy little Mexican. [Butters finishes unwrapping it only to see a gas-powered leaf blower designed to be worn on the back]
Man: How do you like that, Mantequilla? Your very own leaf blower! Hahah, I have no idea how it works, but I'm sure you do, huh. Say, how'd you like to go in the back yard and play? [moments later, Butters is in the back yard using the power blower to blow some leaves around. The couple watch him from a table with umbrella providing shade]
Woman: Oh look at him, darling. He's so happy.
Man: Hup. Nono, Mantequilla! You're just blowing the leaves from one side to the other. Get them in one pile so you can use the garbage bags we loaned you.
Butters: Ah, sí señor.
Woman: Oh he's so adorable.
Scene Description: A song begins to play as Butters clears away the leaves. As the song plays, you see the following montage: Butters blowing leaves into piles, Butters washing he couple's care as they watch, Butters scooping leaves out of the pool as the couple plays in it with a beach ball, the boys pasting fliers all over town asking "Have you seen this Mexican? Answers to 'Mantequilla.' Text *** 67319," Cartman and his border patrol watching for illegal aliens, Butters providing pedicures for the couple, Butters serving them ham, Butters washing more dishes, Stan and Kyle putting up billboards that echo what the fliers said, and Cartman looking into the woods. Seeing no one coming, Cartman lowers his binoculars and smiles. Butters now clean up the front yard.
Singers: Work, Mexican, work.
Butters: All week long, bossman say
Both: Work, Mexican, work.
Butters: Sing your Song, earn your pay
Both: Work, Mexican, work.Work, Meheecan
Singers: Sweat
Butters: Meheecan
Singers: Toil
Butters: Meheecan, it's your
Both: lot in life.
Butters: While people play in the sun all day
Both: Work, Mexican, work.
Scene Description: The couple's kitchen, later. The woman is at the breakfast nook crying and wiping away her tears with a tissue. The man sees her and gets worried, then walks into the kitchen.
Man: Honey? Honey, what's wrong? [she looks up to see him]
Woman: It's Mantequilla. We've tried giving him everything, but I don't think he's happy. Tonight I told him he could do whatever he wanted before bed - wash the windows, mop up our bathroom - but you know what he said? He said "I need to go home." I tried telling him "your home is here, Mantequilla! ¡Tu casa es aquí!" But I don't think he feels it.
Man: Well, maybe if we let him paint the garage, he'll feel more like family and then-
Woman: No, Brian! In my heart I know it's true. He belongs with his own kind, Brian. He belongs with his own kind!
Scene Description: El Pollo Loco, night. The couple drive up to El Pollo Loco and take Butters to the door. The woman is still weeping
Brian: Come on, honey. [they walk back to the car]
Butters: Hey, where are you going?
Woman: [turns around] No! Mantequilla bad! Go now!
Butters: Ma'am, can I, can I just use your phone?
Woman: No es bueno, Mantequilla! ¡No me mi-mires! ¡Por favor! ¡Por favor no mires! [they reach the car, get in, and drive off. The woman is still weeping]
Scene Description: El Pollo Loco kitchen. Butters is sitting atop a prep table telling of his adventure, as a group of Latino workers go about making meals
Butters: So there I was, just yards away from the American border. All my amigos made it across, but I became lost in the woods. If the Whipples hadn't come along, I might have froze to death. But I'm not giving up, for I, am Mantequilla! [the workers all stop in shock and look at him, a utensil can be heard hitting the floor]
Worker 1: Mantequilla?
Worker 2: Mantequilla?
Worker 1: ¡Yo he escuchado de este niño! ¡He visto anuncios de el por donde quiera! ["I've HEARD of this kids! I've seen POSTERS and BILLBOARDS of him everywhere!"]
Worker 3: Sí. Es famoso! ["Yeah. He's FAMOUS!"]
Butters: Nothing can stop me, and my pride, in Mother Meheeco!
Worker 1: ¿Un niño gringo que quiere ses mexicano? ["A WHITE American kid who wants to be Mexican?"]
Worker 3: Ay, tiempos han cambiado. ["Wow, times are really changing"]
Worker 1: No... no. ¿Saben qué? Mantequilla tiene derecho. ¿Por qué venimos a este país? ¡Vale madre aquí, 'mano! ["No... no, you know what? Mantequilla is RIGHT! Why did we even come to this country? It SUCKS HERE, MAN!"]
Butters: Hey! You fellas think you can get me across that border?
Worker 1: Debemos escuchar a este niño. ¡Mexico es mucho mejor que esto! ["We should listen to this kid. Mexico is better than this!"]
Butters: All my amigos are there, waitin' for me.
Worker 1: Todos mis amigos están allí también.. ["All my amigos are back there too."]
Worker 2: ¡A la chingada con esto! ¡Vamonos! ["Come on, screw this! Let's go!"]
Worker 3: Sí, ¡vamonos a la chingada!
Butters: Viva la Meheeco!
Scene Description: A hospital, outside. An elderly man is being assisted by two Latinos, who are helping him out of an ambulance and onto a wheelchair
Doctor: Alright, let's get him into ER.
Elderly man: Careful w'my foot! [a car stops and a man whistles]
Worker 2: ¡Oye Yimenez! ¡Nos vamos a regresar, hombre! ["Hey Yimenez!!! We're going back, man!"]
Yimenez: ¿Qué? ["What?"]
Worker 2: ¡Este lugar es una mierda! ¡Nos regresamos a Mexico!["This place sucks! We're going back to Mexico!"]
Butters: We're crossin' the border!
Yimenez: ¡Jose! ¡Martinez! Nos vamos para atras para Mexico! ["We're going back to Mexico!" The nurses and other Hispanic workers pour out of the hospital]
Butters: Olé!
Scene Description: The real Mexican border, day. There's no activity. One of the guards is looking through binoculars, the other larger guard is fanning himself with a rolled up newspaper
Border officer 1: Pretty quiet out there.
Border officer 2: Yeah, a bit too quiet if you ask me. Gimme those! [takes the binoculars and looks through them]
Border officer 1: Just seems like Mexicans don't try to cross into the US as much as they used to, you know?
Border officer 2: Noo, they're out there, Charlie. Plottin' their next move. They'll do anything they can to get into the Land of Opportunity. [lowers the binoculars. The first illegals appear on the US side of the border and head towards the fence] And as long as this country offers everyone a better life, there's gonna be people clamorin' to get it. It's the curse of success, Charlie. [more aliens appear as the first ones hop over the fence] A great and wealthy nation will always be plagued [raises the binoculars and looks through them again] by the needy tryin' to-what the hell? [sees the Mexicans running into Mexico. The other guard notices too]
Charlie: [scratches his head] Uhh, sir? Aren't them Mexicans runnin' into Mexico?
Border officer 2: [lowers his binoculars] That don't make sense.
Charlie: [shouting to the returning illegals] You're going the wrong way!
Scene Description: TV News break
Anchorman: You've heard of Mexican salsa, but Mexican pride? The phenomenon is called "Orgullo de Mantequilla," where Mexicans are realizing it actually is starting to suck more here in the US. The borders are being flooded with Latin Americans trying to get back to their own countries. [Randy and Sharon are on the sofa watching the news]
Randy: Well, I think it's good. [stands up and puts on his blazer, then walks to the front door] If the Mexican people feel inspired, good for them. People have a right to go and be happy. [opens the door and looks outside. Huge piles of leaves have been left on his front yard] NOOOOOO! [Audio clip is Darth Vader's voice from Star Wars Ep. III]
Scene Description: Cartman's house, day. He's watching the news too
Anchorman: But just what has sparked the Mexican desire to live... in Mexico? Joining us now is economist Mark Geiger, and Mark, we've heard of Mexican ice cream, but Mexican patriotism?
Mr. Geiger: Yes, it's a very odd phenomenon, Chris. Ih it just- [the front door opens and it's Stan and Kyle, who are pretty miffed for obvious reasons]
Kyle: Cartman, what the hell is this?! [he's holding a poster Cartman designed: "Wanted by U.S. Border Patrol. Permission to shoot on sight."]
Cartman: You guys, the game is over! Clearly I won. Give it up.
Kyle: "Wanted by the U.S. Border Patrol"?! "Permission to shoot on sight"?!
Cartman: You guys were putting out fliers, I had to put some out too.
Kyle: Butters has been missing for a week! You might have inadvertently gotten him killed!
Cartman: Well then I inadvertently won the game, didn't I?[The news come back on, with Cartman glancing at his TV, with Kyle also staring, as Stan continues glaring at Cartman]
Chris: Do you have what it takes to join the Border Patrol? Border Patrol officers are looking for volunteers to help with the reverse immigration crisis.
Cartman: Oh dude. Sweet.
Scene Description: Butters is asleep in a room, on a wooden bed. The floor is made of hexagon-shaped tile. On the cracked green wall behind him is a small framed painting of Frida Kahlo. He wakes up, gets off the bed, looks around, and walks towards a doorway completely naked except for his Mexico hat. He opens the double doors and steps outside. He rubs his eyes to get a better view. A small plaza full of people awaits his appearance, and everyone cheers
Crowd: ¡Vamos Mantequilla! [Clap clap clap-clap-clap] ¡Vamos Mantequilla! [Clap clap clap-clap-clap] ¡Vamos Mantequilla! [Clap clap clap-clap-clap]
Butters: Oh uh, I'm sorry, [opens his arms wide] I don't really-
Crowd: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. [he lowers his arms and the crowd quiets down. He raises them up and] Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. [he raises his right arm] ¡Oy! [he lowers his arm and raises it a little] ¡Oy! [now raises his left arm] ¡Orgullo! [opens his arms wide] Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. [the crowd members raise their arms and some begin to toss their hats in the air]
Butters: Wow.
Scene Description: The U.S. border. Officer 2 briefs the new volunteers on their duties
Border officer 2: Welcome to the US Border Patrol. You volunteers are the key to keepin' this country safe and prosperous. [begins to walk back and forth] Every day, more and more Mexicans are tryin' to get past this fence and go back to their homes in Mexico. As border patrol officers our duty is to stop Mexicans from crossin' the border. We don't need to worry about the semantics of which direction they're going, we're just supposed to stop them! [pounds his left fist into his right hand] Marcus?
Marcus: The standard-issue border patrol weapon is the P-29 stun baton. [begins handing a baton to each volunteer] It carries a 4000 watt charge and is your best option for enforcin' border patrol law.
Cartman: This is gonna be so fuckin' sweet.
Marcus: The baton is non-lethal, but powerful e-
Border officer 3: Hey! We got some! Mexicans at 2 o'clock! [hands his binoculars over to Officer 2]
Border officer 2: Let's get ready, recruits! Must be a couple dozen of them! [Cartman takes out his own binoculars and begins scanning and providing his own sound effects] This is the US Border Patrol! Stop where you are! Turn around and get back to work!
Marcus: There's too many of 'em! We're gonna need backup! [Cartman goes to a nearby water truck and opens a spigot, which releases water and creates a large puddle. The Mexicans run into the puddle and stand there. Cartman tosses his baton into the puddle, electrocuting the Mexicans.]
Border officer 2: You're pretty good at stoppin' Mexicans, son. What's your name?
Cartman: Cartman. Eric T. Cartman.
Scene Description: San Francisco, Later. The Mexicans are rounded up and taken to San Francisco to be released. What follows is a montage parody of Border Wars: first, shots of a border crossing showing four lanes of cars waiting to get into Mexico. A U-Haul truck is opened up and its cargo of Mexicans is removed from the trailer. A nighttime patrol shows Cartman with some other officers in a boat. They intercept a smaller boat with Mexicans trying to row to Mexico, then escort them back to shore near Santa Monica. The third shot shows Cartman on a helicopter with two other officers. He points at a sign on the ground. The helicopter drops him off near the sign and he turns it around to fool unsuspecting Mexicans, grins, and hides behind some bushes. Some Mexicans stand in line to get unemployment checks, and one of them gets a flag from Officer 2
Narrator: Dedicated. Patriotic. Tireless. These are the men and women of the US Border Patrol. They work around the clock protecting America's prosperity. They are the front line in making sure Mexicans stay here and work. The border patrol is uncompromising, diligent, and kewl. They will defend, arrest, and most importantly, let the Mexicans know that they are way better off here in the United States.
Scene Description: Días De Mantequilla. Butters has earned himself a festival - Butters Day - in what looks like Mexico City, complete with mariachis and a portrait of him mimicking the famous portrait of Our Lady of Guadalupe. Among the sights at this festival: little kids dancing, señoritas dancing nearby, a man wearing a large papier-mâché Mantequilla head is entertaining children, people are buying Mantequilla shirts at the Tienda de Orgullo, kids trying to burst open a piñata of Mantequilla. A girl runs by with a small Mexican flag. One of the kids breaks open the piñata and the others rush in for the candy.
President Calderón: ¡Hoy celebramos el primer día de Mantequilla, honrando el espiritu de México! ["Today we celebrate the FIRST day of Mantequilla, honoring the spirit of Mexico!" Everyone claps for Butters]
Butters: Thanks everyone. [hops onto the table] It suer has been great gettin' to know you all. You've been really great amigos. [gets sad] It's really kind of made me... appreciate my amigos back home. I know they were waitin' for me, and I'm sure they're all worried sick.
President Calderón: Mantequilla, tu tienes que hacer una decisión. Los Estados Unidos están de baja, y claro, México pronto será el mejor lugar. Pero como Mexicanos, nosotros sabemos que nada es más importante que la famlia, y amistades. Estás invitado a vivir con nosotros, Mantequilla, pero tienes que seguir tu corazón. ¿Quieres quedarte aquí con nosotros, o quieres estar con tus amigos? ["Mantequilla, you have a decision to make. The United States is on the decline, and clearly, Mexico will quickly become the better place to be. But as we Mexicans know, nothing is more important than FAMILY and FRIENDS. You are welcome to live with us, Mantequilla, but you must follow your heart. Do you want to stay here with us, or do you want to go back to your amigos?"]
Butters: [aside to the Mexican sitting at the table with him] ...What did he say? Ah I actually don't speak Spanish.
Scene Description: The US Border. Cartman stands front and center scanning the horizon, with other soldiers and volunteers taking breaks.
Cartman: [robot voice] No Mexicans detected. [normally] Huh, nothing.
Border officer 4: [Richards] Let's face it: they've just about all gotten back across. No matter how hard we tried, the Mexicans all got across the border.
Border officer 2: When we asked Obama to stop illegal immigrants, we didn't mean to make the US so shitty they wouldn't wanna come anymore.
Marcus: [along in the lookout tower, as bored as the others, he suddenly sees something, sits up, and rushes to tell the others.] Hey! Hey wait a minute! [whips out his binoculars and gets a better look.] It's a Mexican! [It's Mantequilla] I think he wants to come back in! [Officer 2 climbs the ladder and gets a better look]
Border officer 2: Oh my God it is! [puts down the binoculars and happily waves his hat at Butters] Hey! Hey! Come on in! [bangs at the tower and whistles] Come on! Come on! Come on, it's okay! [Butters draws closer, smiling. guard 2 addressed the other officers and volunteers] The fuck are you doing?! Get that gate open! [an officer and a volunteer happily oblige. The other officers and volunteers are smiling too]
Border officer 5: Come on, buddy!
Other Officers: Come on now, come on! You've got it. [Cartman gets up on the tower and uses his own binoculars]
Cartman: Wait a minute, isn't that...
Butters: [looking back at him] Game on!
Cartman: [squints his eyes] Oh no you don't! [takes Officer 2's sidearm and fires at Butters.]
Butters: [dodging the bullets] AAAH!
Border officer 2: [takes his weapon back] Fuck are you doin'?!
Cartman: That asshole is not getting across my border! [Butters either fails to see the open gate, or it was closed while Cartman was firing at him, because he starts climbing the fence. Cartman quickly gets down to intercept him, but decides that electrocuting the fence would get Butters off it, and it works]
Butters: AAAAH! [falls and gets up] I'll get over! [runs farther away from the tower]
Cartman: [gives chase] No you won't Butters!
Butters: [sees a gray burro and jumps up on him] Giddy up! [gallops away. Cartman gets on a pale gray burro and whistles, and gallops after Butters]
Scene Description: Mexico City, day. The Mexicans have huddled around just one radio and are listening to the play-by-play provided by a commentator. Since the Spanish lines are not translated here, I will provide them
Commentator: Un otro shoto de Mantequilla. Y Manteque-ah. ¡Oh! ¡Una arma! Una arma del El Niño Gordo! ["Another shot of Mantequilla! And Mantequi-ah. Oh! A firearm! The fat kid's firearm!" Apparently Cartman was firing at Butters]
Mexicans: Ohhh!
Scene Description: The US Border. Butters and Cartman ride past the tower, and Cartman finds himself fired upon. He turns and sees the border patrol after him
Cartman: Ey!
Scene Description: Mexico City.
Commentator: Mantequilla ayudar ¡1a Border Patrol! ["The Border Patrol is coming to Mantequilla's aid!" The Mexicans cheer]
Scene Description: El Río Bravo. Butters is now speeding away in a small boat, and Cartman is chasing him in a Border Patrol boat.
Cartman: ¡Respeto mi autóridad! ["Respect mah authoritah!" Again, Cartman is fired upon, and his boat begins to sink. This time, the border patrol is in a helicopter firing away]
Scene Description: Mexico City.
Commentator: Border Patrol pegaron ¡El Cero Gordo! ["The border patrol hit the Fat Zero!" Next, Cartman is on an ATV and stops to look for Butters]
Scene Description: The US Border.
Cartman: Where the fuck did he go?! [in the background, Butters can be seen riding by on his burro. Cartman sees him and gives chase. Just before Cartman reaches him, Butters blinks. Cartman jumps off his ATV and tackles Butters off his burro, and they both end up on the desert ground, with Cartman on top] Haha! Game over, Butters! You lose! [Butters apparently collapses] The fuck is this?! [instead of seeing the real Butters, Cartman sees a life-size piñata of him. The head separates from the body and candy falls out] No. NO! [Butters is climbing the fence]
Butters: [taunting] Haha! Heheeheeheehahaheehee!
Cartman: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! [Butters goes over the border fence and jumps down]
Butters: Base! [dances around with his arms outstretched]
Mexicans: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! [Butters gets on his knees and slides into a pose]
Commentator: El mirito, vinto! [the Mexicans celebrate. The border patrol celebrates as well, and Butters dances, the "Mexican Hat Dance" starts playing]
Scene Description: Cartman's dining room, evening. The boys are back at the table eating dinner, with Butters sitting between Craig and Kyle. The boys are laughing and telling jokes to each other
Butters: So then, so then the fireman says "That won't even fit in my scrotum!" [the boys laugh again]
Kyle: [noticing Cartman] Stop being a pouty little bitch 'cause you lost, Cartman!
Cartman: I'm not pouting! I'm just... sensitive to fireman jokes 'cause of 9/11 and uh, uh... fuck you, Kyle!
Butters: Boy, I'm so glad I proved I'm a good Meheecan! Hey, maybe next time I can be team leader!
Stan: Ahhh, I think we'll stick with Kyle, dude. You made it across the border, but it did take you... two and a half weeks.
Kyle: Yeah, you're a great Meheecan, Butters, just not a great leader of Meheeco. [everyone falls silent. Butters stands up on his chair and raises his arms slowly]
Mexicans: [responding to his gesture] ¡Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... [A baby responds to it, as do three Mexican fisherman out at sea. Craig and Kyle look all around, and then at Butters. Butters thrusts his right arm out twice.] ¡Oy! ¡Oy! [Butters thrusts his left arm out once] ¡Orgullo! [raises both arms again] ¡Maaantequilla! [now all his friends are looking at him]
Cartman: [sighs gruffly and rolls his eyes] A Baptist priest with a huge boner walks into a bar...


Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The kids are in the hallway. Butters walks with Kenny, Stan and Kyle are at their lockers, and Cartman comes into view at the far end of the hallway
Cartman: YOU GUYS! Oh my God, you guys! [runs up to Butters, Kenny, Stan, and Kyle] You're never gonna guess what! [stands among them] Seriously you guys, guess what??
Stan: What?
Cartman: You guys, you know Pete Melman? [no one answers] Fourth Grade, Mr. Bart's class?
Kyle: The blond kid?
Cartman: Yeah yeah, Pete Melman!
Stan: What about him?
Cartman: He crapped his pants today during social studies! He had to go to the nurse's office, and have his mom bring him a fresh pair of jeans! [begins to cackle]
Kyle: [angry] How do you know?!
Cartman: Because, dude, it's all over Eavesdropper!
Butters: Eavesdropper?
Kyle: What's that?
Cartman: Puhah! You guys don't follow Eavesdropper? [whips out an iPhone and starts looking for the Eavesdropper article] It's a Web site about all the students in the school! [The web site screams "Exclusive! Pete Melman Craps Pants At School!" at you. Part of the page has a picture of Pete on there, with a 'play' button to play a recording]
Clyde: [appears at the far end of the hallway] Hey, did you guys see Eavesdropper? Pete Melman shit his pants! [runs off to tell others]
Cartman: Yeah yeah, I'm showin' the guys! [gets back to his phone] Check it out. Eavesdropper got a hold of the phone call from the nurse to Pete Melman's mom. [touches the 'play' button] Just listen, listen listen.
Nurse Bronski: Hello Mrs. Melman, this is the school nurse. I'm afraid your son has had a little accident. [Cartman snickers quietly]
Mrs. Melman: Oh no, what is it? Is he okay?
Stan: Turn it up. [Cartman obliges]
Nurse Bronski: No no, it's not serious, but he went number two during class. [Cartman grins big, Butters grins a little, Kyle is a little disgusted] I'm afraid he's gonna need a new pair of pants and underwear, and a clean pair of socks.
Craig: Hey, did you guys see Eavesdropper?
Cartman: Yeah yeah, we're listenin' to it! [laughs. Craig moves on]
Kyle: Dude, that's so wrong!
Butters: [moves off] Hey! Pete Melman pooped his pants and uh had to have his mom bring him new undies!
Cartman: Okay okay, so what do we call Pete Melman when we see him? I was thinking, "Poopypants Pete", but th- but then I also thought of "Mushpants Melman."
Mr. Mackey: [over the PA system] Attention South Park Students: will the following students report to the Principal's office immediately? Eric Cartman? Thank you.
Cartman: Oh Jesus, what now?! [goes to the office]
Scene Description: Principal's office, faculty room. Cartman sits at one end of the faculty table while Principal Victoria sits at the other end, flanked by Mr. Mackey on her right and Mr. Adler on her left. The clock reads 2:03 p.m.
Principal Victoria: Eric, as you might have heard, a student here in South Park Elementary had an accident in the classroom.
Cartman: Puh-I know, dude. Pete Melman crapped his pants. So freakin' funny! [slaps the table and laughs]
Principal Victoria: Oookay, but you probably understand that for Pete, it isn't that funny. For him it's embarrassing and terrifying.
Cartman: Tchehe, right. That's why it's super funny to me.
Principal Victoria: Eric, it has been almost one year since Corey Duran defecated in his pants here in school. Now, you remember what happened to him?
Cartman: [smiles] Yeah, he killed himself.
Mr. Mackey: Yes, and the reason he killed himself, Eric, was that the ridicule and the torment from other students, [points] spearheaded by you, cause him-!
Cartman: Hey! Whoooa.
Mr. Mackey: Spearheaded by you, m'kay, made him feel there was no other way out.
Cartman: 'Kay, whoa, whoa! We've been through this, you cannot put Corey Duran's death on me! I'm not the one who crapped him pants in front of everyone!
Mr. Adler: Eric, we are asking you to please just remember what happened to Corey and not let it happen to Pete.
Principal Victoria: Please just let it go.
Cartman: You're asking me to simply ignore a kid who - excuse my language but I have to be harsh here - a kid who shits in his pants in front of everyone - to just ignore that so he can have a normal life?!
Mr. Mackey: We are hoping that if you don't fan the flames, Eric, the other students might forget might forget about it!
Cartman: Do you really think information like this will just die down? There's Internet! There's Eavesdropper! You might be worried Pete Melman is gonna kill himself, but the truth is, he was dead the second he crapped his pants.
Principal Victoria: [stands up and walks to the window, then looks out] Alright Eric, here's the deal: This school cannot have another suicide on its hands. We want you to see Pete Melman through this, and turn public opinion around.
Cartman: [scoff] Heh! You're crazy! It can't be done!
Principal Victoria: If Pete Melman does not kill himself, [turns around] we will make it very worth your while.
Cartman: You aren't listing to anythin- [checks himself] Make it worth my while how?
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The kids are in the hallway again. Must be a rainy day, as some of the kids are eating lunches in the hall. Butters, Craig, and Stan walk towards the camera, with Craig looking at his iPhone. The three are laughing. Kyle appears and approaches them
Stan: No way.
Kyle: What's up?
Stan: The-hay've got a video of Pete Melman's mom showing up with fresh underwear on Eavesdropper!
Kyle: Dude, that's fucked up.
Stan: Come on dude, it's pretty funny.
Kyle: It's funny that something that should be completely private is put up on a Web site for everyone to see??
Stan: Yeah dude, that's pretty funny.
Butters: It's megasuperhilarious! [a girl is putting her books away when Cartman approaches her]
Cartman: Uh, hey Jenny. 'Sup?
Jenny: What do you want?
Cartman: Did you hear about Pete Melman? Pretty messed up, huh?
Jenny: [gets her bag lunch, closes her locker and walks away] Yeah, it's gross! [Cartman stands by her locker for a moment, then catches up to her]
Cartman: So... whatcha doin' for lunch? Uh, my mom packed me the best stuff. She even baked cupcakes. [takes out a box of cupcakes from his backpack]
Jenny: [unimpressed] So what?
Cartman: I was just thinking that... m-m-maybe we could... eat lunch together. I've always kind of... [gulps] liked you.
Jenny: I don't like you!
Cartman: I know. Uh, I know you don't like me back. I ju- Yeah, you know, the- this was stupid, I'm sorry. Will you just take a cupcake? [getting uncomfortable, he puts the cupcake in the box and the box away in his back pack] Oh, don't take the cupc- I, I'm sorry. I, I'm sorry I wasted your time. [walks quickly away]
Jenny: Hey. Wait. [Cartman stops and Jenny catches up] Look, I'm sorry. That was mean. I'd love to try one of your mom's cupcakes.
Scene Description: Fourth grade, Mr. Garrison's class. The kids have all taken their seats. Mr. Garrison is going over a test on sea life.
Mr. Garrison: And now number 17 many of you got wrong as well. The correct answer was D, whales are mammals. [Jenny gets a sharp pain in her stomach]
Jenny: Oh! Gahhh. Ohf.
Mr. Garrison: They're not fish like some of you retards chose.
Cartman: [concerned, while Mr. Garrision is talking] You okay, Jenny?
Jenny: Yeah, I'm fine, I just- Awwgh! [can't stand it much longer] M-Mr. Garrison? Can I please [winces] be excused?
Cartman: Excused? Oh, oh but we are in the middle of class. [Jenny moans even more]
Mr. Garrison: What's the matter?
Jenny: Gah, I just need to go to the restroom!
Mr. Garrison: Well, okay.
Cartman: Uh, Mr. Garrison, I don't think that's quite fair, uh I mean, you rarely let us get up and leave during the class.
Jenny: Please! I've gotta go now!
Cartman: Well, just give it a couple of minutes, Jenny. It could just be a cramp.
Jenny: [leaves her seat] No, Mr. Garrison, I've gotta- go- AAAH! [lets out a wet fart]
Class: Eeeeww! [Jenny can't hold it in. Bebe and Stan leave their seats while Cartman stands on his desk]
Cartman: Oh, my God! Jenny Simons crapped her pants! [Millie, Token, and Wendy leave] Did you guys hear that?! Oh, my God! [Kyle and Clyde leave] It's WAY worse than Pete Melman was!
Kids: Ew!
Butters: Sick!
Cartman: WAY worse!
Timmy: Run. [Jenny begins to bawl]
Scene Description: Principal's office faculty lounge. Mr. Adler, Principal Victoria, and Mr. Mackey have gathered again to meet with Cartman. Silence fills the room
Principal Victoria: ...The Doctors say that Jenny Simon barely survived the fall. Jumping off the school roof fractured her pelvis.
Cartman: Alright, kewl.
Mr. Mackey: [shoots back] No, not cool! M'kay, she's on suicide watch, Eric! She's given up on life!
Cartman: You said Pete Melman couldn't kill himself! By making Jenny Simons crap her pants worse than Pete, I've made her the number one story on Eavesdropper! [shows them the story on his iPhone]
Principal Victoria: [shoving her chair aside. It falls to the floor] That's wasn't the point, Eric! Nobody was supposed to kill themselves! Unless you fix this our deal is off!
Cartman: Nobody can be made fun of for crapping their pants, and nobody can die!
The three adults: Yes!
Cartman: Jesus Christ! [thinks hard] Okay, okay. [squeezes his eyes shut, puts his hands over them, removes the right hand] Um, Jesus- [removes the left hand] ah... Okay, look. [the adults lean in a bit] Okay those, those tests we took last week? The state efficiency tests? How did we do on those?
Mr. Mackey: Our students did average, maybe just below average.
Cartman: Okay, no, they all did awesome! In fact our students did so good on the tests that you... [turns his head left for a moment, still hasn't opened his eyes] you decided to reward them all. At lunch you're serving the students pizza from Pizza Hut! But we're going to put laxatives and Arby's horsey sauce in the pizza so that every kid in the school craps their pants after recess. Everyone craps their pants, nobody's singled out, problem solved. [Victoria, Adler, and Mackey just stare at him]
Principal Victoria: That's insane!
Cartman: Okay, well, if you have a better idea, then why am I here? [Mr. Adler looks at Principal Victoria, Principal Victoria looks at Mr. Mackey, Mr. Mackey places a call.]
Mr. Mackey: Uh, hi, Jan, it's Counselor Mackey. Uh... how long would it take to organize a Pizza Friday for the students? Yeah, yeah... no, they uh, they actually did really well on the state exam. Yeah, mkay.
Scene Description: The school hallway, day. Butters, Craig and Stan are laughing at another Eavesdropper headline as Kyle rounds the corner behind them. Kyle walks up to them
Stan: Dude, check it out! Eavesdropper found an e-mail from Jenny Simons' boyfriend calling her "soft-serve Simon."
Kyle: That's not funny.
Craig: Hey, here's a post about Token: "Token Black's Private Gym Photos" [laughs]
Kyle: [rolls his eyes] I'm not looking at that!
Stan: Come on, dude, it's pretty funny!
Kyle: It wouldn't be funny if that Web site posted something about you!
Stan: I wouldn't care.
Craig: Exclusive: Stan Marsh thinks Elise Thompson has a hot butt crack.
Stan: What?
Craig: "In an email sent yesterday to KENNY McCormick, Stan Marsh wrote 'Dude, you should have been in PE today. Elise Thompson's butt crack was totally showing.' He went on to call her butt crack quote 'nice' and that the whole experience was quote 'pretty awesome'."
Stan: [sees Kenny and walks up to him at his locker] Kenny! Kenny, what the fuck?!
Kenny: (What?)
Stan: How did Eavesdropper get a hold of my e-mail to you?!
Kenny: (I don't know.)
Stan: Do you just leave your e-mails open for everyone to read?!
Kenny: (No!)
Stan: That was a private e-mail from me to you! [notices a pissed-off Wendy approaching] Hey Wendy.
Wendy: You like looking at girls' butt cracks, Stan?!
Kenny: (Oh, fuck. I'm gettin' out of here!) [closes his locker and leaves]
Stan: No, I was telling Kenny he would like it.
Wendy: Do you have any idea how embarrassed I am?! [Stan leans away a bit]
Stan: Wendy, it was just a quick e-mail to Kenny. New stories pop up on Eavesdropper every hour. People are gonna forget all about this.
Wendy: So you didn't e-mail anybody else about Elise Thompson's butt crack, right?! [Stan stays silent]
Scene Description: South Park Elementary Library. Stan has convened a meeting of some of his classmates and is now at the podium
Stan: This is an issue of trust and privacy! We have to all work together to put an end to Eavesdropper once and for all! [The others present are Red, Kenny, Butters, Craig (looking at his iPhone), Wendy, Kyle, Bebe, and Token. Kyle raises his hand] Yes, Kyle.
Kyle: So, just to be completely clear, now it isn't funny, right?
Stan: Ugh, What's funny about having our private lives hacked into?!
Wendy: Specially when they're writing about your boyfriend's addiction to crack. [Butters laughs at Wendy's wisecrack in a weird way]
Stan: Shut up Butters! What we have to find out is who in the school is running Eavesdropper! I've done an extensive profile, and I've narrowed it down to somebody in this very room! [the other eight look at each other] Now whoever you are, you're a gossiping little bitch! [pounds the podium with his fists] And we're not gonna-!
Craig: [reading off his iPhone] It's not somebody in this room.
Stan: What? How do you know?
Craig: Because whoever it is just now posted a new story on Eavesdropper: "Allison Taft reveals embarrassing secret about Craig Tucker." [laughs] Yeah. Hey wait, that's me.
Kyle: Where is it coming from?
Craig: Huh?
Kyle: If it's on the school network we can track the IP address. [takes Craig's iPhone and sets about tracing the IP address. The kids head into the hallway and pass by the music room] This way. In here. [they stop at the music room door] Whoever it is using the computer in the music room.
Stan: We only have music class on Thursday.
Wendy: Of course. A kid could use the computer in there and nobody would know.
Kyle: Get ready guys. Whoever is in here is the kid that's hacking our e-mails and phone calls! You guys ready?!
Stan: Oh I'm ready!
Kyle: One. [Stan makes fists and tenses up] Two. Three! [opens the door and the nine kids run in, but they're all surprised at what they see. It's a gerbil typing away into the Eavesdropper Web site. This week on Spee: Jenny Simons Still On Suicide Watch]
Craig: It's a rat! [the gerbil noticed them and runs away]
Kyle: Get it! [the kids give chase. Craig and Kyle run into each other and fall trying to get the gerbil. Bebe and Token fall giving chase]
Stan: Don't let him get away!
Token: He's gone!
Stan: What the hell? A stupid rat is in charge of Eavesdropper?
Kyle: Wikileaks. [Kyle is now at the computer looking at the login screen] It says here his name is Wikileaks.
Scene Description: A boy's bedroom, full of panda stuff. On the boy's desk is a cage with a gerbil in it - Lemmiwinks. He runs in his wheel for a while, then steps off it for a sip of water. When he's done, the Frog King appears before him
Frog King: Lemmiwinks! I come with news of great gravity. Another rodent is out there, spreading terrible rumors and hacking e-mails. [Lemmiwinks makes some noises] Yes. And I'm afraid the ne ws is worse. The creature doing this, Lemmiwinks, is your brother, Wikileaks!
Singer: Wikileaks, the bum hacker with a heart of doom.Everyone knows the gerbil king, but no one ever speaksOf Lemminwinks's brother, the evil Likiweaks...
Frog King: Once again Wikileaks is trying to wreak havoc on our world. Only you can stop him, Lemmiweaks.
Singer: Lemmiwinks, King of Gerbils, stop your brother of doom!
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, hallway. Two girls chat by some lockers
Emily: It's just so embarrassing. What if the other girls find out my mother is in rehab?
Tammy Nelson: It's okay Emily. Can I tell you a secret? My mom has a drinking problem too. [above them, Wikileaks is recording everything they say]
Emily: Really? You too?
Tammy Nelson: That's just between us, okay?
Emily: Of course, Tammy. I'm really glad I shared this with you. [Stan and his gang spot Wikileaks]
Stan: Stop that rat! [Wikileaks jumps off the lockers and runs for the computer lab]
Scene Description: The Computer Lab, moments later. Wikileaks jumps onto the first computer he sees, logs in, and starts typing in his latest headline: "TAMMY NELSON AND JEN MARX 'HELP!' OUR MOMS ARE VICIOUS DRUNKS!¡" The gang catches up to Wikileaks
Stan: Knock it off! [Wikileaks hops off and heads for the nearest air vent, and makes his escape]
Scene Description: The school library. A boy is typing into his iPhone
Tommy Edwards: I just want you to know that I have a hure crush on you and- [Wikileaks runs by and snatches the phone away in his teeth] HEY! [Wikileaks runs to the nearest computer, logs in, and types in the latest headline: "TOMMY EDWARDS HAS A CRUSH ON MARLA WATKINS" Butters looks in and spots Wikileaks. Wikileaks notices him]
Butters: NO Wikileaks! Bad!
Scene Description: The school cafeteria, at that moment. In the kitchen Mr. Adler, Principal Victoria, Cartman, and Mr. Mackey add Ease-Lax laxatives to the pizzas just brought in from Pizza Hut
Cartman: Yup, a few more laxatives on that one, a little more Arby's horsey sauce on there, mhm.
Mr. Mackey: Eh, Is this one good?
Cartman: Yeah, I think they're all ready.
Principal Victoria: You sure this will work, Eric? What if some of the students don't eat the pizza?
Cartman: It doesn't matter. Enough students will crap their pants to make everyone forget about Pete Melman and Jenny Simons forever.
Mr. Mackey: Alright Eric, well, well get back to class. We don't want anyone seeing you in here with us.
Cartman: Uh, hold on just a second! I believe we discussed the little matter of my payment?! [leaves the preparation table and faces them] I'm not letting you guys screw me over again. Give me what I wanted, now!
Mr. Mackey: Alright, fine. Bring her in, Adler. [Mr. Adler leaves, then returns with a grinning Selena Gomez]
Cartman: Oh my God! Selena Gomez! You [gasp] you actually got her to come! [grins]
Selena Gomez: Hi Eric. I understand you really wanted to meet me. Wanna get a picture together?
Cartman: No thanks. Okay, proceed.
Mr. Mackey: I/m sorry about this, Ms. Gomez. [Mr. Mackey punches her on the stomach twice. Cartman is awed, then smiles. Principal Victoria then smashes Gomez on the head with a baking tray] Alright, get her the fuck out of here. [Mr. Adler hauls Ms. Gomes away.]
Principal Victoria: Okay, Eric, you got what you wanted. Are we straight?
Cartman: That. Was. Amazing.
Mr. Mackey: Alright now, get back to class! Adler, get rid of those laxative bottles! Trash all the Arby's horsey sauce packages too! There cannot be one piece of evidence of what we did here! [they hear some small gerbil sounds] What the? [notices Likiweaks on a shelf recording the action] Oh shit! [Wikiweaks runs away] Stop that rat!
Scene Description: The boy's bedroom, day. Lemmiwinks is back in his wheel, exercising
Frog King: Alright Lemmiwinks, we should probably get going now... The time is nigh, Lemmiwinks. Let us chase your destiny. [The Sparrow Prince flies in through the open window and lands on the upper edge of the gerbil cage] Ah! Sparrow Prince! What news do you bring?
Sparrow Prince: Wikileaks grows stronger with each passing moment. [jumps down into the cage] The birds are tweeting that he is about to release his biggest story yet.
Frog King: Then the moment is truly here! Come Lemmiwinks! Let us make haste! Le-le-Lemmiwinks? His heart is so heavy. I weep for him.
Sparrow Prince: Indeed. Could you do it, Frog Prince? Could you kill your own brother?
Frog King: I thank God I don't have to make that decision. [the two of them then just observe Lemmiwinks.] We might need to bring in some outside help.
Scene Description: Back in the music room, Stan is on the computer as the other eight kids look on
Stan: You see? There, look! It says Eavesdropper's biggest story every is coming out this afternoon.
Butters: Biggest story about who?
Craig: There's no telling. It could be about any of us. [Stan gets off the computer and notices something happening above him as a blinding light appears. The light softens to reveal the Catatafish]
Catatafish: Well met, children of Adam. I, am Catatafish.
Singers: Catatafish of the Salmon School.
Kyle: What?
Catatafish: I come asking for your help. There is only one thing that can stop Wikileaks. But right now Lemmiwinks is being held prisoner.
Stan: Lemmiwinks? Our old class gerbil?
Kyle: What is that thing?
Catatafish: I am Catatafish. I am a great wizard and, I am a friend. And I'm a ghost, besides of course being a fish.
Singers: Catatafish's tale will soon be told.
Stan: Do you know why a gerbil is running around hacking our phone calls and putting our secrets up on the Internet?
Catatafish: He does it purely for reasons of evil. And his treachery is not limited to humans. Wikileaks posted exaggerated things about me, too. He posted on his Web site that I had sex with an underage fish, and that I made her perform bass to mouth. If you accept this quest you will help the Gerbil King defeat Wikileaks once and for all! But the choice is yours. I'm not here to make you do anything. Like that underage salmon. I didn't make her do anything. If she wants to do bass to mouth, how is it my fault?
Singers: Catatafish made a salmon suck asshole.</poem>
Catatafish: No! No, see, that's wrong! It's being exaggerated again!
Kyle: Just tell us where Lemmiwinks is being held prisoner so we can kill this stupid rat!
Catatafish: Careful child! I assure you, Wikileaks is anything but stupid, except when he said I made that teenage fish perform ass to trout. That was stupid and untrue. Did I say ass to trout? I meant to say bass to mouth, though I guess it's basically the same thing, not that I did it.
Scene Description: The faculty restroom. Principal Victoria looks outside to make sure there's no one or nothing around, then closes the door and locks it. Mr. Mackey checks behind the mirrors for bugs while Mr. Adler checks the stalls
Principal Victoria: Alright, are we sure we're alone?
Mr. Mackey: We're alone, now what the hell are we gonna do?
Mr. Adler: What can we do? We're all gonna get fired!
Principal Victoria: This story hasn't gone up on Eavesdropper yet. Maybe it won't!
Mr. Mackey: Oh right! "The School Faculty Tries To Poison All Their Students." That's not gonna be on Wikileaks!
Mr. Adler: Oh, let's just face it: We made our beds when we enlisted Eric Cartman's help. We have to lie in them.
Mr. Mackey: All we were tryin' to do was keep another one of our students from killing themselves! We're not bad!
Principal Victoria: No, no, we're not bad.
Mr. Mackey: We're not bad. I mean, maybe what we needed was just to think outside the box here. I mean, if there's anything we've learned is that the only thing that makes a juicy story go away is a juicier story.
Principal Victoria: What's a bigger story than all the students being made sick?
Mr. Adler: Our students committing suicide?
Mr. Mackey: Hey that's right. Corey Duran killed himself last year and we're STILL dealing with the fallout. Maybe there is a way out of this. But we're gonna have to throw Eric Cartman under the bus.
Mr. Adler: How do we do that?
Mr. Mackey: We get a bus... and then we... throw Eric Cartman under it.
Scene Description: The boy's house, day. The gang of nine kids has arrived at Lemmiwinks' new home and Stan and Kyle are pounding on the front door.
Mrs. Trumski: [answering the door] Yes?
Stan: Hi. Does a Vernon Trumski live here?
Mrs. Trumski: Yes, Vernon's around somewhere.
Stan: Come on, guys! [charges in with the other kids. Mrs. Trumski is about to close the door when Catatafish floats in]
Catatafish: Excuse me.
Scene Description: Vernon's room, moments later. The kids find Lemmiwinks in his cage
Butters: There he is! [the kids go to the cage] It's Lemmiwinks! [climbs the chair beside Lemminwink's cage]
Stan: Quick, we need something to carry him in!
Kyle: Here's a shoebox! [goes for the shoebox. Vernon walks in at that moment]
Vernon: Hey! What are you doing with my gerbil?!
Stan: We just need to borrow him, kid. [Kyle hands the box to Butters]
Vernon: MOOOM! SOME KIDS ARE STEALING MY GERBIL!
Stan: [walks up to Vernon] Look dude, we don't have much time. Wikileaks is about to post his biggest scoop ever on Eavesdropper! Lemmiwinks can stop him!
Vernon: MOOOM! [Frogn King and Sparrow Prince appear in the middle of the room, hovering, and Vernon and the others notice]
Frog King: There's no time, children! You must take Lemmiwinks now!
Kyle: Grab him! [Butters scoops Lemmiwinks into the shoe box and the group runs out the front door]
Vernon: [stops just outside the front door] MOOOM! [the group runs down the street]
Singers: Go Lemmiwinks! Stop Wikileaks!
Frog King: Quickly! We must get to the school! [the group makes it to a bus stop just as a transit bus is pulling away]</poem>
Stan: Whoa whoa wait, wait! [the bus stops, the door opens, and the group gets on]
Scene Description: Inside the bus, the kids and the ghost animals take seats
Singers: Run, run, the battle's on! Wikileaks and Lemmiwinks. Run, run, the battle's on!
Stan: Can't this thing go any faster?
Butters: Hang on, Lemmiwinks!
Singers: Go Lemmiwinks! Stop Wikileaks! Run, run, the battle's on! Wikileaks and Lemmiwinks. Run, run, the battle's on!
Stan: Craig, are we still clear?
Craig: Nothing broke on the Web site yet.
Frog King: Faster driver! The final battle is about to begin! [the driver speeds up]
Singers: Go Lemmiwinks! Stop Wikileaks!
Scene Description: From out of nowhere Mr. Adler and Mr. Mackey toss a bound and gagged Cartman onto the road and watch as the bus runs over him. Principal Victoria is with them. The bus rolls a bit further, but stops due to a broken muffler. The door opens and the group steps out
Kyle: What the hell happened?!
Mr. Mackey: Oh! Oh God! Oh God he killed himself! Eric Cartman killed himself! Did you see that? Oh why would he do it? [pulls out a letter] Oh wait uh here, here's a suicide note. Mkay. [opens it up and reads it:] Dear Guys, I just cannot go on mkay. I'm tired of being FAT, mkay, and I have to end it all. Mkay. -Eric Cartman.
Stan: Please, can this wait? A big story is about to about to come out on Eavesdropper and we have the only way to stop it!
Mr. Mackey: [thinks a moment] Well why the hell didn't you say so! Come on, let's go!
Frog King: To battle!
Scene Description: South Park, midtown. Principal Victoria has got everyone packed in her car and races down the street to get to the school
Singers: Go Lemmiwinks! Stop Wikileaks!
Frog King: Quickly, while Lemmiwinks still has it in him!
Scene Description: South Park Elementary. Principal Victoria arrives at school and the group pours out of her car and rushes into the school
Singers: Run, run, the battle's on! Wikileaks and Lemmiwinks. Run, run, the battle's on!
Scene Description: The music room, moments later. Wikileaks types furiously to get the scoop out: "SCHOOL FACULTY TRIES TO POISON STUDENTS!!" Stan leads the group into the music room
Stan: Stop right there, you little rat!
Singers: Go Lemmiwinks! Stop Wikileaks! Run, run, the battle's on! Wikileaks and Lemmiwinks. Go Lemmiwinks! Stop Wikileaks!
Frog King: [appears before Wikileaks and stops him] Wikileaks, you have chosen a path of evil and now you shall pay. Sparrow Prince, Catatafish! [Sparrow Prince and Catatafish descend on the shoebox and open it. Lemmiwinks peeks out, then leaves the box]
Scene Description: The battle begins. The two gerbils stand on their hind legs and face off. Wikileaks runs off and Lemmiwinks quickly follows. The camera tries to follow the action, but gets shaky. The gerbils dance around each other for a few seconds, then rush at each other and fight.
Frog King: Oh dude, he is fucking him up!
Butters: Look! I think Lemmiwinks killed him! [Indeed. Lemmiwinks had bit Wikileaks on the jugular and Wikileaks is bleeding. Wikileaks soon stops moving and Lemmiwinks gets off him]
Frog King: He did it!
Mr. Mackey: [walks over to the computer and gets to work] Okay, let's just delete all this tabloid garbage, mkay.
Scene Description: South Park Elementary hallway, some days later. Stan puts his stuff away in his locker and closes it. He walks over to Kyle, Kenny... and Cartman, who has casts on his right arm and right leg, and who's walking with a crutch
Stan: Phew. I'm sure glad that's over with.
Kyle: Yeah, but you know? I think we all learned an important lesson about laughing at other people's misfortunes.
Cartman: Boy, I say.
Mr. Mackey: [rounds the corner and sees Cartman] Oh Eric! Uh, Eric, I know we kinda threw you under the bus, mkay, but I hope you understand the faculty didn't really have a choice.
Cartman: It's okay Mr. Mackey. I'm totally over it.
Mr. Mackey: Well I think you're being very mature about this, Eric. It was an overly generous move to give all the faculty those cupcakes. I wanna thank you. Mkay.
Cartman: Oh, you're most certainly welcome.
Mr. Mackey: [walks through them and continues down the hallway] Well students, why don't we uh- [feels a pain in his stomach] Oooh. Oh, gee, uh...
Cartman: Are you feeling okay, Mr. Mackey?
Mr. Mackey: Yeah, I j-I just uh I'll be right back. Oh! [lets out a wet fart] Aaaah! Oh it's bad! [so bad bits of shit shoot out his pants onto the floor] Excuse me kids, I need to run, I gotta WUUGH! [that last movement made him fly into the ceiling and back to the floor] OW!
Cartman: [softly] I put a lot of Arby's horsey sauce on those.
Mr. Mackey: [stands up] Okay, can somebody get me some paper towels?? Or maybe a [poot. He hits the ceiling again and falls on his face] Ooowww, okay! [begins to slide down the hallway propelled by the poop and gas coming out his ass] Ooohhh, it's bad!
Frog King: Congratulations, Lemmiwinks.
Sparrow Prince: Thanks to you, private lives will stay private.
Catatafish: Yes, we are all free once again to make teenagers do bass to mouth.
Frog King: Just one question Lemmiwinks: How does it feel to have killed your own brother? [Lemmiwinks just gets up and walks away] Le-Lemmiwinks? [no answer] He's devastated.
Sparrow Prince: Yup, he's devastated.