Scene Description: The Cartman house. Liane is sipping her coffee on the sofa. She lowers it as Cartman screams
Cartman: Mom! MOOOM! Mom! [races down the stairs in pajamas, cap, and coat in the right hand and two dollars in the left one, and stops at Liane's feet] Seriously! Something wonderful has happened!
Liane: What is it, snookums?
Cartman: Mom, look! The tooth fairy! I put a tooth under my pillow, and she gave me two dollars! [shows them off] She's only given me a lousy quarter before!
Liane: Oh my! She must think that you are a very special little muffin.
Cartman: [hops onto the sofa] Yeah! This is so tits!
Liane: Don't say "tits," Eric.
Cartman: Oh, I mean, this is so cool!
Liane: Well, then, now you should take that money and open up a savings account that has compounded daily interest.
Cartman: Heh, you can compound daily my ass with interest, Mom; I'm goin' to the toy store and buy me a skateboard! [dons his coat]
Liane: But Eric, I think maybe the tooth fairy wants you to use that money to learn about saving.
Cartman: Mom, you don't know what the tooth fairy wants me to do with this money, okay? You're not the tooth fairy! I'll see you later! [turns and walks out] Aw, man, this is so tits!
Scene Description: The bus stop. Stan, Kyle and Kenny stand around
Cartman: [off camera, heard running up] Hey you guys! You're not gonna believe this! [Stan and Kyle look at each other, then at Cartman] Oh my God, you guys, seriously! [runs around them] Just wait until you hear this, you guys! I'm rich! I'm totally rich! [turns to face them] Aren't you stoked?!
Stan: What the hell's wrong with Cartman?!
Kyle: He's fat and he's stupid?
Cartman: [pants, then] Look what the tooth fairy left me last night! [presents the two dollars]
Stan: Two dollars!
Kyle: No way!
Stan: For one tooth?
Cartman: For one tooth.
Stan: Dude, every time I lost a tooth I only got a quarter.
Kyle: I only got a jar of gefilte fish.
Cartman: Well, that doesn't matter, because I have an idea that is totally tits.
Kyle: ...Totally what?
Cartman: Look, I don't know why the tooth fairy's being so cool to me. Maybe she's hot for me. I don't know, but if we all chip in with teeth, then I can hide them under my pillow and we could get enough money to buy a [stretches the words] Sega Dreamcast.
Stan, Kyle, Kenny: Sega Dreamcast??
Cartman: All we need is teeth.
Stan: I already lost all my baby teeth.
Kyle: Me too. [Kenny says nothing, so the others look at him]
Kenny: [covers his mouth] (Nuh-uh.)
Kyle: You still have baby teeth, Kenny?
Kenny: (No way!)
Cartman: [moves to Kenny's side] Kenny, think about it. Don't you want a [stretches the words] Sega Dreamcast?
Kenny: [punctuates] (No I don't! Thank you.)
Cartman: [ignoring the answer] Alright! Kenny's in, you guys! Tits!
Scene Description: The school yard. Stan ties Kenny to a tetherball pole. The string leads off to the right
Stan: Okay, the string is tied to Kenny's tooth. You ready over there?
Kyle: [at the other end, tying the string to a wheelchair] Almost. You ready, Timmy?
Timmy Burch: [the boy in the wheelchair] Timmiihh!
Kyle: When I say "go," you slam your electric wheelchair into high gear. Okay, Timmy?
Timmy: Timmiihh!
Kyle: Right. You're Timmy.
Timmy: Timmiihh! Lemmeouttaheah!
Kenny: (Why the fuck does it have to be my tooth?)
Cartman: I'll tell you why it has to be you, Kenny: because your family is poor, and therefore has bad oral hygiene, so your teeth are gonna fall out someday, anyway. If you think about it, you should actually be thanking us. [tugs on Kenny's hood] "Oh, thank you, guys." You're welcome, Kenny.
Kenny: [punctuates] (Fuck you!)
Kyle: Alright! Get ready, Timmy.
Timmy: Timmiihh!
Butters: [walks up] Heh-hey guys, uh, wu-what are you doin'?
Stan: What does it look like we're doing, Butters? We need a tooth, so we're using Timmy's wheelchair to pull out one of Kenny's.
Butters: Oh. Heh, I got a loose tooth right here. [draws it from his pocket]
Stan, Cartman: You what?
Kenny: (You what?)
Timmy: Timmih-
Butters: Yyep. Oo-one of mine came out not two hours ago.
Stan: Uh, Butters, could we have it?
Butters: Wwell, heck no! Uh you can't have it. Why, I'm gonna stick it under-my pillow and get money from the tooth fairy. She gives me fifty cents a tooth.
Timmy: Ha-a-ugh.
Butters: Well, uh, see ya, fellas. [walks away]
Kyle: [walks up to Stan] Dude, maybe we don't have to rip a tooth out of Kenny's mouth.
Stan: Yeah, we just have to get Butters' tooth.
Kenny: (Woohoo!)
Cartman: How are we gonna get it from him?
Stan: I guess we'll have to sneak into his house after he goes to sleep tonight.
Kyle: Yeah, let's go. [the group begins to move when]
Timmy: Go! Timmy go! [revs up, pulling Kenny] Yeah, Timmy! [drives until he runs out of string, then is jerked back]
Kyle: No, Timmy, wait!
Timmy: Engh go uh Timmy! [the string goes taut, and Kenny's face protrudes from his hood]
Kenny: (Hey, guys!) [yanked from his suit into the air] (Heey-ungh) [lands naked in front of Cartman] (Oowww.)
Cartman: Hahahahahaha. Hey, you guys, I can see Kenny's pengling, hahahahahaha.
Timmy: Hu-aah!
Scene Description: A house, night. Butters is asleep in his room. A pole rises outside with a grinning Cartman dressed as a tooth fairy dangling from it
Cartman: Higher, you guys.
Stan: [struggling with the pole with Kyle and Kenny] Jesus Christ, why did we pick the fat guy to lift up in there?
Cartman: [bumps into the window] Agh! Careful, you assholes! [opens the window] To the left, you guys, left. [is moved to his left] No, camera left, camera left! [is moved in the other direction, towards Butters' head] That's it, now down. [is lowered, then reaches for the pillow]
Butters: [wakes up] What the-? [rubs his eyes] Who's there? Who is that?!
Cartman: [in falsetto] I am the tooth fairy, my child.
Butters: Hoh. Sorry, Miss Fairy. I didn't mean to gaze at you. I'm back to sleep now, see? [squeezes his eyelids shut]
Cartman: Sure. Now I will leave you tidings under your pillow. [reaches under and grabs Butters' tooth, then beholds the treasure. He then places some money under the pillow as Butters sneaks a peek.]
Butters: [as Cartman withdraws] Well, oh gosh, I, I didn't think you'd be so fat.
Cartman: Ey!
Kyle: Come on, fatass!
Cartman: Do not open your eyes until morning. [Butters has them shut real tight; Cartman tugs on the rope and is pulled out of the room] Or else I will kick you in the nuts. [drops down] Square in the nuts.
Butters: Yuh, yu-yes ma'am!
Stan: Well?
Cartman: Bull's eye!
Scene Description: Cartman's house, later. He's being tucked in bed
Liane: Tucky tucky time, it's the best time of the night.
Cartman: I love that song, Mom. Sing it again.
Liane: No, honey, Mommy's gotta save her throat. I have to work tonight.
Cartman: Okay.
Liane: Good night. [heads for the door. Cartman settles in and is about to place the tooth under the pillow] What do you have there, Eric?
Cartman: Another tooth fell out today; I'm leavin' it for the tooth fairy.
Liane: Oh, my. The tooth fairy will have to give you a big surprise for losing two teeth in two days.
Cartman: I know, huh?
Scene Description: The bus stop, next morning. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny are there
Cartman: You guys! Oh my God, you guys! You're not gonna believe it! It's beyond rational thought, you guys! [runs around them counterclockwise] Holy crap, you guys! I mean-
Kyle: Did the tooth fairy come?
Cartman: Four dollars. [the other three answer at the same time]
Stan: Oh my God!
Kyle: Four dollars?
Kenny: (Oh, my God!)
Cartman: Do you what this means?
Stan: Yeah. We just gotta keep finding teeth and putting them under your pillow. [he and Kyle grin]
Scene Description: Dentist office, some days later. A phone rings
A Dentist: [answering] Dentist office.
Liane: Oh. Eh-hello, Dr. Roberts? It's Ms. Cartman.
Dr. Roberts: Oh, yes, Ms. Cartman. What can I do for you?
Liane: Well, it's my son. He's lost a lot of his baby teeth, and I was starting to get worried.
Dr. Roberts: Well, losing baby teeth is a natural thing, Ms. Cartman. How many has he lost?
Liane: About a hundred and twelve.
Dr. Roberts: ...A hundred and twelve.
Liane: Yes. Fifteen of them in one night. Perhaps he should switch toothpaste?
Dr. Roberts: Your son wouldn't happen to be an "alligator," would he? No? Hm, I see. Well, I'm afraid I can't help you right now. The American Dental Association convention is this week, but, as soon as I get back, I'll look into it.
Liane: O-oh, thank you. Freebie next week. [hangs up]
Dr. Roberts: What?
Scene Description: Cartman's room, dawn. He rises and throws his pillows off the bed
Cartman: Tih- [the tooth he placed under his pillow is still there] Tooth? [picks it up and looks at it in disbelief] What the hell? Mom!
Liane: [rushes in] Yes, Eric
Cartman: You know, the tooth fairy forgot to bring me money last night! Call the police!
Liane: Oh. Eric, poopie, sit down. [Cartman sits] Mommy has something to tell you. It's just that- well, there is no tooth fairy, Eric. I've been putting all that money under your pillow, and because you got so many teeth fall out, I've actually run out of money and can't go to the grocery store for at least a month.
Cartman: [laughs] You almost had me for a second there, Mom, heh. "There's no tooth fairy." I suppose you're gonna tell me there's no Santa Claus, Easter Bunny, or Jesus, either, heh, heh... [mother and son sit silently for a while] M- Mom?
Liane: I'm sorry, Eric. All children find out sooner or later.
Cartman: Yi- you're serious here. There really is no tooth fairy?
Liane: No, honey. It's just-
Cartman: How could-? How could you lie to me, Mother? Lie right to my face?
Liane: Oh, Eric, it's just part of being a child.
Cartman: How can I trust you? [hops off the bed] How can I trust anyone ever again, Mother? I guess, uh to make it through this life, I can only trust myself. [tugs at his pajama shirt] Myself and Willikins Bear, of course.
Liane: Eric! Eric, wait!
Cartman: [covers his ears] No, Mother! No more lies! [runs out of his room and shuts the door]
Scene Description: The Cartman house. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny wait. Cartman exits and walks down the street upset, ignoring his friends
Stan: [he and the others follow] Dude, where's the money?
Cartman: [flatly] There is no money.
Kyle: No more money??
Stan: What are you talking about, Cartman?! We're only $167 away from gettin' a Sega!
Cartman: I know!
Kyle: Cartman, what's going on?!
Cartman: [stops, then faces them sadly] You guys... [turns away] Oh, God, I don't even know how to tell you this.
Stan: Tell us what?!
Cartman: [faces them again] You guys, there's... there's no tooth fairy, you guys. There, I said it. [turns away again]
Kyle: What do you mean, "there's no tooth fairy?"
Cartman: My mom has been giving me the money all this time, and your parents are the ones who left you money.
Stan: Dude.
Kyle: That can't be. My parents wouldn't lie to me.
Cartman: But now my mom has given us so much money that she's bankrupt, and we're poor, like Kenny. [Kenny approaches him and reaches out, but Cartman bushes him off] Don't touch me, Kenny. [Kenny steps back]
Kyle: [approaches] You're wrong. If my dad says something is real, then it's real!
Cartman: Kyle, open your eyes, man!
Kyle: It's not true! [runs away]
Scene Description: The Broflovski house. Kyle enters the living room. Gerald is on the sofa reading the newspaper
Gerald: [lowers his paper] Oh, hello, son. [Kyle turns to face him]
Kyle: Dad, there is so a tooth fairy, huh?
Gerald: What? Oh. Kyle, let's have a little talk. [puts down his paper]
Kyle: [suddenly alarmed] Oh my God! You did lie to me.
Gerald: No. Kyle, she's just make-believe. Like Peter Pan.
Kyle: [looking aghast] Peter Pan, too??
Gerald: Kyle...
Kyle: What about Moses and Abraham?
Gerald: Well, they were probably real.
Kyle: Probably?! Is Atlantis real??
Gerald: Probably not.
Kyle: [frightened] Wahahahah!
Gerald: Look, Kyle, adults make up those things because they're fun for children.
Kyle: Fun for children?! Fun for children?! Look at me, Dad! I don't even know what's real anymore! Weaaaah! [runs out the door]
Scene Description: The town. The boys less Stan sit at a curb moping
Cartman: Man, I can't believe all our parents lied to us about the tooth fairy.
Kyle: What about Dan Rather? Do you think he's real?
Cartman: No, man, that's just a TV show.
Stan: [rushing up] You guys! You guys! I figured it out!
Cartman: What? That your parents lied to you, too?
Stan: Yeah, but, it's okay! We can still get our Sega Dreamcast!
Cartman: How?
Stan: Look, the tooth fairy is all made up, right?
Kyle: All made up. Not real. Nothing's real.
Stan: So all we have to do is go to a really rich kid's house, put our tooth under his pillow, wait for his parents to leave him a whole buttload of money, and then sneak back in and take it!
Kenny: (Woohoo!)
Stan: The kid will never even know.
Cartman: Oh, dude, that is tits! I mean, that is big fat Oprah tits right there!
Kyle: Oh my God, what if I'm not real?
Stan: We can take the bus to the city. There's super-rich people down there!
Cartman: Yeah. [leaves with Stan and Kenny]
Kyle: I mean, what if I'm just part of my parents' reality?
Stan: [returns] Come on, Kyle! [grabs him and pulls him along]
Kyle: What if this is all just somebody's dream?
Scene Description: Cherry Creek, the wealthiest neighborhood in Colorado, night. The bus pulls up to a curb and drops the boys off in front of a three-story mansion
Cartman: Wow, look at the size of these houses!
Stan: Totally, dude. Cherry Creek is the richest part of Denver. I'll bet these kids get at least ten bucks a tooth from the [raises his hands to make quotes] "Tooth Fairy."
Cartman: Hey, [points across the street] that house looks perfect. There's obviously kids living there. [the boys head for a rambling ranch house. They skip the front door and head for the back]
Stan: [A window with stickers on it and a bush underneath is shown] There. You can tell this is the kid's window 'cause it's got Mega Man stickers on it. Cartman, once you're in the kid's room, leave the tooth under the pillow, then come back out. We'll wait for the parents to see it and leave money, then swing you back in the house to grab it.
Cartman: Got it. [Stan and the others lift Cartman up.]
Stan: This is the smartest business venture ever. [Cartman is placed into position, but a blond kid swinging from another pole is lifted into position opposite him]
Cartman: What the-? [the camera peels back to show another group of kids on the other side of the bush]
Stan: Hey, what the hell are you guys doing?!
Boy 1: [with somewhat spiky hair] We're gonna sneak a tooth under this rich kid's pillow, then come back and collect the tooth fairy money that his parents leave him.
Stan: ...Hey, you can't do that!
Boy 2: [with cowlick] Why not?!
Stan: Because that's what we're doing!
Cartman: Yeah! You ripped off our idea!
Boy 2: What the hell are you talking about?! We've been doing this for over two years!
Kyle: Two years?
Blond: Nice tooth fairy costume. You think anybody'd believe you in that?!
Cartman: It's better than your dress! You look like a bad Jennifer Lopez nightmare!
Blond: How dare you! [he and Cartman start fighting in midair]
Boy 1: Look, this is our turf! You'd better scram before the Boss breaks your legs!
Stan: You scram! We were here first!
Rich kid: [having heard the ruckus, opens the window] What's going on? [Cartman and the blond stop and look] Oh! It's the tooth fairies!
Boy 2: Oh, nice going! Now you woke him up! [the blond is lowered]
Stan: You woke him up! [Cartman is lowered]
Rich kid: I don't have any loose teeth, Miss Fairies but I have been a very good boy.
All: Shut up!
Boy 1: Alright, that does it! Come on, we're going to see the Boss!
Stan: Who's the Boss?
Boy 1: Loogie.
Scene Description: Loogie's Ristorante. The light above the door is the one that flickers
Loogie: [enjoying a plate of spaghetti and meatballs, he's dressed for business] My associates here tell me you were working Cherry Creek tonight. Is that true?
Stan: Uuh, yeah.
Boy 1: Right on our turf, Boss! I ain't ever seen that kind of disre- [Loogie raises his right palm] Erp.
Cartman: We were there first!
Loogie: [hops off his chair and walks to the portrait gallery] Kids have been doing the tooth fairy racket in this town for years. [points to each picture as he traces the line of succession] I do it just like my big brother before me, and my oldest brother before that.
Stan: Damnit! And we thought we were so original!
Loogie: Let me ask you something: You were gonna sneak a tooth under this rich kid's pillow? Then what?
Stan: Well, uh-what do you mean?
Loogie: How are the kid's parents gonna know there was a tooth under their child's pillow? [the boys stay silent]
Boy 1: Ha! You guys don't even know how the tooth trade works!
Stan: What's a "tooth trade?"
Loogie: Look, any shmuck can sneak through a window wearing a pretty dress. The tooth racket is much more involved. [a street overlay showing kids at work in the neighborhood appears. A kid dispatcher sends them off] We keep careful track of what houses we've hit so that we don't hit the same one twice in less than two months. [the tooth fairy enters a window with another kid] Inside the house we not only have to sneak a tooth under the pillow, but leave a note for Mom and Dad to see. [this other kid places the note on John's bedroom door: Dear Toothfairy, I lost a tooth! I put it under my pillow!] This is how we let the parents know to leave money under the pillow. [the fairies ride through the neighborhood on their bikes] Once the note is in place in the last house, we start all over, going back to the first house. But this time, all we have to do is collect money. [shots of the tooth fairies cleaning up] And the kids never know what hit 'em.
The South Park boys: Wow!
Loogie: The hardest part is getting teeth. We tried various places. Cemeteries [Loogie's boys disinter a corpse and pull at its teeth], hockey games [two hockey players collide and one of them smacks the other one. A boy skates out and retrieves the loose tooth], anywhere we can find them [A beat-up boy is tied to a chair in a warehouse. The boy with the spiky hair is about to strike him with a mallet]
Beat-up Boy: Nooo! [the mallet heads for his...]
Loogie: The teeth we do manage to acquire are then sorted according to size, color, and quality. [like gems, they are sent to conveyor belts to be sorted by lab technicians] But there's never enough teeth. Never enough.
Stan: Amazing.
Cartman: Man, that is tits!
Loogie: And now my only problem is, what do I do with you? [the boys are alarmed]
Boy 1: Rowwr!
Loogie: Tell you what: how would you like to run the South Park tooth racket for me?
Stan: Oh. Uh-I don't know.
Loogie: It's that, or else I can cut off your penises. [motions with his knife]
Cartman: Hm. Work for you, have my penis cut off. Work for you, have my penis cut off. Hm's see...
Kyle: Cartman!
Stan: How much do we get if we work for you?
Loogie: I'll cut you in at 2%.
Cartman: Two percent, have my penis cut off. [Kyle gets mad at him] Two percent-
Stan: We're in!
Scene Description: American Dental Association, a gleaming skyscraper, day. Then the interior is shown, with all the dentists assembled. Dr. Roberts speaks
Dr. Roberts: Fellow dentists: As you all know, we are still having numerous reports of missing teeth from all over the country. There are also reports of missing tooth fairy money. We believe that there can be only one logical reason for all of this. [presses a button to reveal a projection] A giant half-chicken/half-squirrel [shown sitting on a tree stump] that steals either teeth or money from children as they sleep in order to build some kind of giant nest [the chicken-squirrel feeds its young] for its genetically superior and potentially dangerous offspring! We believe also that this creature would have at least a mild understanding of algebra [the chicken-squirrel tries to solve a basic problem], and that it-
Dentist: [stands] Uh, excuse me? I think I have a more logical theory.
Dr. Roberts: ...Yeah. Weh well, by all means, Mr. Foley, enlighten us!
Mr. Foley: I think what we've got here is some kind of black-market tooth racket. Something where one group is stealing the money and teeth from another group for a profit. [the rest of the doctors, including the ADA head, laugh at him]
Dr. Roberts: Oh, Mr. Foley, you realize how ridiculous that sounds.
Mr. Foley: It's not ridiculous. It's very possible. I've seen it happen before.
Dr. Roberts: Where?!
Mr. Foley: In Montreal. [the rest of the convention laughs louder]
Dr. Roberts: And where, pray, is this "Montreal"?!
Mr. Foley: [determined] Look, I know how to handle this. All we have to do is bring down the kingpin and the rest will fall. You'll see! I'll have it taken care of in a matter of weeks!
Dr. Roberts: Uhyub-dub very well, Mr. Foley, you go on your wild goosechase and meanwhile, we'll deal with the real problems at hand. [points at the chicken-squirrel]
Mr. Foley: Well, I will! [leaves his seat and heads out the door]
Dr. Roberts: [chuckles] Anyway, the half-chicken/half-squirrel would most likely be about three to four-and-a-half feet tall. His large beak is probably detachable, and works as a flotation device.
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Lunchtime in the cafeteria
Boy: [off-camera] Here! Here, over here, look! Look what I got- I got from the chef! [the main cafeteria doors fly open and in walk the foursome. Kenny is dressed in a baby-blue suit with hat and cane, Cartman wears a floor-length tiger-fur coat, Stan wears a formal blue suit, and Kyle wears a book- reads a book and wears a black suit. As they walk through the cafeteria kids turn and stare. Among them are Bebe, Butters, and Wendy. The boys enter the kitchen]
Chef: Hello there, children.
The Boys: Hey, Chef.
Stan: We all want double-desserts today!
Chef: Oh. Well, uh, I'm afraid that the school charges extra for that.
Cartman: Yeah? Well, that ain't nothin' but a thang. [tosses Chef a wad of bills]
Chef: [surprised, fumbles with the wad] Oh my God! There has got to be at least fifteen dollars here!
Cartman: That's right. Keep the change, my man.
Chef: Well! Look at you cute little crackers! With your money and your fancy clothes and your cell phones, it's almost like you were- [realizes where this is headed] Oh my God, children! What have I told you about drugs?!
The Boys: That there's a time and a place for everything, and it's called "college."
Chef: That's right. And the only thing worse than doin' drugs is dealin' drugs! I'm gonna tell you about when I was your age and got offered drugs. [A flashback to Chef's 8th year. He's walking down the street with his little girlfriend, a Hawaiian wearing a flower in her hair]
Little Chef: Ooo, come on, now.
Kid 1: [all in blue] Hey, kid. You wanna try some dope?
Girl: What?
Kid 1: Come on, kid. Don't you wanna get high?
Little Chef: Hey, man, I don't need dope. Let me sing you a little song: I can't wait until I grow up and my weenie get big and strong 'Cause when it does I'm gonna bust And make love to you Amanda all night long I'm gonna make love to y'Amanda in about ten years!
Kid 3: [olive complexion] What?
Kid 2: [with the A shirt] What the hell is he talking about?
Little Chef: [to Amanda, who's surprised] And that toothpick is gonna turn into an oak tree,...
Stan: U-uh, Chef.
Little Chef: I'ma knock ya down, knock ya up,...
Stan: Chef!
Little Chef: ...knock ya over, an' knock ya all around.
Stan: CHEF!
Chef: Uh?
Stan: We're not dealing drugs!
Chef: You're not?
Stan: No!
Chef: Oh, uh weh-ell, children, whatever you're doin', just remember this: havin' money may seem fun, but... [tries to find a moral] Ooh, uh-oh, never mind.
The Boys: Thanks, Chef. [they leave]
Kyle: See ya.
Chef: Damn, that little Amanda was fine! I'm gonna look her up. [reaches under the counter for a phone and dials away]
Scene Description: The boys return to the cafeteria with their food
Stan: Dude, having this much money is great! Working for Loogie rules!
Cartman: Yeah, but you know, why do we need Loogie? We know how the trade works: why don't we do it ourselves and keep all the profit?
Stan: We can't do that, dude. Loogie will kick our asses.
Cartman: Oh, what the hell is that little Pollack gonna do, huh? Come on, you guys. I say we create our own mob crime family!
Kyle: [still reading] Dude, this book says there could be infinite alternate realities to every reality.
Cartman: Sure, Kyle.
Scene Description: Loogie's restaurant, night. Loogie's talking to someone on his cell phone at table
Loogie: They're what?! They're not gonna pay me? Who the hell do they think they are? I want those South Park kids dead! I want their families dead! I want their houses burned to the ground! [Mr. Foley enters; Loogie hangs up and does a falsetto] Oh, hi there, Mister. My mommy and daddy are out front, if you need 'em.
Mr. Foley: Let's cut the crap, kid. My name is Tom Foley. I'm with the American Dental Association.
Loogie: Sit down, Mr. Foley. Do you want some spaghetti?
Mr. Foley: [sits] No thanks, I just brushed. I just wanted to let you know that I'm onto you.
Loogie: I told the ADA a thousand times: I know nothing about teeth. I'm just an 8-year-old boy who likes climbing trees and playing in puddles.
Mr. Foley: I am going to find out who the boss is! And when I do I'm gonna bust his ass and everyone's ass who helped hide his ass! [having run out of things to say, he turns and walks out. Loogie resumes eating]
Scene Description: Cartman's house, day, living room. He is seated behind a desk talking to a boy
Cartman: So, you've brought me 400 lbs. of teeth from China.
Odd Boy: [an anxious kid with oval head and big eyes] That's right, yeah [plops the bag on the desk] . It's all top-grade stuff, too.These Chinese kids are selling their teeth for peanuts, see?
Cartman: [takes a scope out and analyzes a tooth] How much?
Odd Boy: Well, huh, Tang Li wants 30, but, but I can cut you a deal for 28, yeh ha, buh. Heh, ha-buh, what do you say, huh? [smiles]
Cartman: Can I ask you a question, Weasel?
Weasel: [the odd boy] Awuh, hawuh, why, sure, sure.
Cartman: [rests his scope] Do you think I'm an idiot?
Weasel: Huh?
Cartman: These are cat teeth, you sonofabitch! You trying to sell me 400 lbs. of cat teeth?! [Weasel starts acting like a monkey. Kyle is seen reading another book] Get out of my sight! [Weasel hops off the chair and splits] Lousy little scum! [the phone rings] What?!
Boy 2: [on the phone. His mates have Kenny on a bridge railing, ready to dump him] This is your last chance, kid! Either you give the boss his cut, or else we're gonna throw your pal into the river wearing concrete galoshes!
Cartman: I ain't giving you crap! Kenny's not afraid of you! [hangs up]
Kyle: Oh my God, this book says that negative and positive are the same thing; that real and not real are one.
Scene Description: The river. Boy 2 hangs up
Boy 2: He's not gonna do it?!
Kenny: (He's not gonna do it?!) [looks over as Boy 2 places a call]
Boy 2: He's not gonna do it, boss!
Loogie: Well then, throw him in. [Boy 2 gives the signal]
Boy 1: Alright, kid. Time to die. [he and his partner each grab a hold of an arm]
Kenny: (No! Nono! No! Don't do this! Nononooo!) [the two boys shove him off. Kenny lands in the river, but hits bottom before even getting wet. He looks down and attempts a few steps. The others look down from the bridge.]
Boy 2: Oh, man, how deep is the Platte River?
Scene Description: News report, night
Anchor: ...to which Ms. Clinton replied, "I don't even like Vagina." Finally tonight, a human-interest story. Dan Akawa is live.
Dan Akawa: [field reporter, next to a family] Thanks, Tom. I'm here at the house of little Billy Circlovich, um. Billy is in desperate need of a bone-marrow transplant [Billy strokes his nose] or he will most certainly die. [addresses the boy] Billy, how much more money do you need for the transplant? [puts the mic in front of Billy]
Billy: [almost whispering] Sih, six hundred dollar-. [the reporter jerks the mic away]
Dan Akawa: Louder, Billy, we can't hear ya!
Billy: [trembling] Duh six hundred dohollars.
Dan Akawa: Well, that's a lot of money.How the hell are you gonna get all that in the short amount of time you have left?
Billy: Well, I a-I don't know.
Dan Akawa: Well, Billy, I also understand that you lost a tooth today.
Billy: Yehahah.
Dan Akawa: Billy, we want you to put that tooth under your pillow tonight, because we have a feeling that the tooth fairy [points to Billy's parents and winks at the camera] is going to leave you six hundred dollars for it!
Billy: Really?
Mr. Circlovich: Really?
Dan Akawa: Yes, really. [hands Dad the money; he passes it to Mom. Billy grins] Six hundred dollars. I might also mention that Billy lives in Crestview Apartments, just off Arapaho Road on Emporia Street. Back to you, Tom. [print!] How was that?
Mr. Foley: [standing with two other dentists and the field crew] Perfect. The trap is set.
Cameraman: Naw, come on. D'ya really think anyone will fall for somethin' that stupid?
Scene Description: The Cartman house. Cartman is in a hot tub, Stan and Kyle sit nearby
Cartman: Six hundred dollars, you guys! Come on, get your stuff together! [leaves the tub] This is gonna be tits!
Kyle: [to Stan] Dude, this book says I don't exist unless I think I do. But what if I don't?
Cartman: [returns] Will somebody take those books away from him?
Scene Description: The Circlovich house, night. A Rotary Phone Service van sits out front. Switch to Billy's room. Dad hides the $600 behind his back while Mom talks to Billy
Mrs, Circlovich: Be sure to put your loose tooth under your pillow, Billy.
Billy: Okay-y, Mom. [turns and hops on the bed. Outside, a periscope rises from the van roof and looks around]
Mr. Foley: [in the van, moves the viewer aside] Thank you for helping out, gentlemen. [walks up to the other dentists and a technician] If this sting operation works, some bogus tooth fairies should be showing up to take the sick kid's money. When they touch the kid's pillow, an alarm will sound, and that's when you hit the button, Murphy, and activate the lights. Everybody got it?
Dentists: Got it.
Murphy: [the technician, acting dumb] Duuuh, which button do I hit again, boss? [Foley isn't laughing, so Murphy chuckles] Just kidding. You know how there's always the dumb guy in sting operations in the movies? I was, you know I was actin', I was actin' like him, eheh, oh.
Scene Description: The highway, night. Cartman, Stan, and Kyle walk along a path paralleling the highway. Cartman is dressed as the tooth fairy.
Cartman: Hurry up, you guys. We've gotta get that sick kid's tooth fairy money before Loogie does.
Kyle: I can't deal with it, Stan. I mean, all the stuff I've been reading; I really don't think I exist!
Stan: Dude, just stop thinking about it.
Kyle: But I can't, because, what if thinking about it is the only thing keeping my space-time together? [the boys pass the Platter River]
Kenny: [still in the river in the distance] (You guys! You guys, over here! ...Hey!)
Kyle: Sometimes I think I can see time slowing down, [(Heeyy!!)] and my own existence fading.
Scene Description: The Circlovich house, the van.
Billy: [heard in the van] G'night, Mom. G'night, Dad.
Mr. Foley: Alright. Everyone, keep your eyes peeled. [everyone suits up in riot gear. Cartman, Stan, and Kyle arrive at Billy's bedroom. Cartman is quickly hoisted up as Billy's parents come to kiss him]
Billy: I'm going to bed now, Mommy. I put my tooth under the pillow. Do you really think the tooth fairy will give me money for the transplant?
Mr. Circlovich: I think so, Billy. I think so.
Billy: Well, I can't wait to feel healthy and strong again.
Cartman: [thinking aloud] Yeah, well, you're gonna have to wait a little bit longer, Billy, 'cause that 600 bucks is mine!
Kyle: Light is a wave unless it's observed? That means all matter is just a wave. [Cartman opens the window and floats in grinning] Nothing's real! Reality in a nuh- Oh God, it's happening! [begins to disappear]
Stan: [noticing the silence] Kyle?
Murphy: Eh something strange is happening with the computers. [Stan looks at the space in which Kyle once stood]
Loogie: [shows up with his mob] Well, well, well. What do we have here?
Stan: [notices] Aw, shit.
Loogie: Did you bastards really think you could hide from me forever? Kolovski [Boy 1 steps forward], put this buttwipe out of his misery. [Kolovski reaches into his jacket]
Cartman: [retrieves the cash] I got it!
Billy: [opens his eyes and rises] The tooth fairy! [the alarms go off.]
Mr. Foley: Let's move out! [exits the van with the other dentists]
Loogie: Aw, drat! [the dentists close in]
Mr. Foley: Give it up, kids. You're surrounded by dentists.
Loogie: It was a trap!
Mr. Foley: That's right. And now it's all exposed! You're through! The only thing left to do is to haul all you kids down to prison! [the other dentists move in closer]
A voice: This is reality! I am everywhere [Kyle's head, undulating, appears], and nowhere.
Mr. Foley: What the hell?
Cartman: Kyle?
Kyle: I am nothing, and everything.
Scene Description: Everything and everyone begin to undulate with Kyle's head and scream and groan. Next, Kyle's fetus (with hat) is seen floating against a starry sky. Then, his head flies over a desert, and images from his past clock in: a deer, a skip-loader, a mailbox, a slice of Swiss cheese. Back at Billy's house, the images are: Kyle's head, a boombox, Kyle's head, a frog, Kyle's head, a cow, Kyle's head, a tricycle, Kyle's head, a four-assed monkey, Kyle's head. The half-chicken/half-squirrel shows up as Kyle's head disappears for the last time, and scares everyone
Dr. Roberts: Well, I told you! [the chicken-squirrel goes after the dentists, and the kids disperse]
Mr. Foley: Let's get outta here! [leaves with his group. Everyone scatters. Stan, Cartman, and Loogie remain in the backyard, and Billy grins with the $600 back in his hands. Kyle reappears in front of them]
Kyle: Hunh. That was pretty weird.
Loogie: Jesus! The little sick kid was a setup all along! [Billy drops from his bed and walks away] How could I be so stupid?!
Stan: What?
Loogie: I can't believe I fell for such an obvious trap! What the hell is wrong with me?!
Cartman: Weh-well, uh, du-don't take it too hard, dude, uh. That's what grown-ups do.They lie. Lie right to your face.
Loogie: Oh well. Maybe it's good my empire has fallen.
Stan: Really?
Loogie: Yeah. I kinda wanted to play in the flag football team this year anyways.
Stan: So you're not gonna hurt us or nothin'?
Loogie: Naah. In a way, I'm just glad the whole thing's over with.
Kyle: Yeah. But you know, I've learned something today. You see, the basis of all reasoning is the mind's awareness of itself. What we think, the external objects we perceive, are all like actors that come on and off stage. But our consciousness, the stage itself, is always present to us.
Cartman: ...Tits.
Scene Description: The Platte River, day. Kenny has turned to his left. As the end credits roll, Kenny tries with great effort to make his way to a bank. He hops a few times and lands in a hidden gully in which he promptly drowns. A motorized chair is soon heard
Timmy: [zipping by on the road above] Timmy!


Scene Description: South Park Elementary, Monday during the day. The kids are out on the playground. The camera pans to the right, showing kids on the hobby elephants, the swings, and the jungle gym. It rests on Butters holding a starting flag.
Butters: Wuh-okay! You guys ready up there!?
Sledder: [three teams of four boys apiece] Ready!
Butters: On your marks! Get set! Uh-go! [the teams head down the small hill, and Cartman's team finishes first]
Stan: We win again! [all get off their sleds]
Token: That's not fair! Cartman's ass is so fat he makes your sled go faster!
Cartman: Ey! Don't call me fat, Token!
Lizzy: We want to use the sleds now, butt pirates!
Stan: Sleds are for guys.
Cartman: Yeah! Why don't you chicks go wash some dishes or get pregnant or something?!
Lizzy: These are the school's sleds, ass rammers, not yours!
Stan: Look, girls don't even know how to sled. Do something else.
The rest of the boys: Yeah!
Lizzy: I bet we can sled ten times better than you, doughnut punchers!
Kyle: Oh yeah?!
The Girls: Yeah!
Cartman: We'd kick your girlie ass in sledding!
Lizzy: How about a race down a real hill, then?!
The Girls: Yeah!
Stan: You got it!
The rest of the boys: Yeah!
A few others: Yeah!
Lizzy: Your best four sledders against our best four sledders!
Stan: No problem!
Lizzy: Then we'll see you this Saturday on Phil Collins Hill!
Kyle: Phil Collins Hill on Saturday! You got it!
Lizzy: See you there! And may the best woman win, turd burglars!
Stan: Oh, boy! We'll show them!
Butters: Yeah. Oo-oo-why, us men will show those skanky hos who's who!
Clyde: Yeah. Those girls don't realize what good sledders Stan, Kyle, and Kenny are.
Token: Yeah! And with Cartman's enormously fat ass, the boys are sure to win!
Cartman: Token, I swear to God, if you call me fat one more time [walks to a rock and picks it up] I'm gonna smack you on the head with this rock! [Kyle draws near to Token]
Kyle: Fatass.
Cartman: There! [chucks the rock and it knocks Token down]
Token: Oh! [falls face first into the snow. Kyle is stunned that Cartman followed through]
Cartman: [sees what he's done] Heh. Huh. Uh-oh.
Scene Description: Mr. Mackey's office, some time later. Eric and Token are seated inside. Token's right arm is in a sling and his right eye is blackened
Mr. Mackey: And what you need to understand is that this is not appropriate behavior, young man! M'kay?
Liane: Eric, don't you realize you could've seriously injured your little friend?
Cartman: [dragging the words] I'm sorry, Mom.
Liane: Don't apologize to us, apologize to him!
Cartman: [dragging the words] I'm sorry, Token.
Mr. Mackey: Well, I hope you learned that throwing rocks at people is bad, Eric.
Cartman: Oh, I sure do, Mr. Mackey. I mean, I feel really bad, uhh. What was I thinking? [drops from his chair] The only thing I can do now... is try to go on and live day by day. [turns and heads for the door] See ya later.
Mr. Mackey: [raises his index finger] Not this time, Eric! You've got to learn to respect your little friends! You're gonna have detention for two weeks!
Cartman: No way!
Mr. Mackey: Yes way! M'kay, and that settles it! Now, let's all go- [the door opens and two suits enter]
Man 1: Counselor Mackey?
Mr. Mackey: Yes?
Man 1: I'm Agent Sharp and this is Agent Keen. We're with [with gravity] the FBI.
Agent Keen: We're here to investigate the rock-throwing incident.
Mr. Mackey: Nn-um. m'kay, uh, I've already taken care of it; Eric Cartman here is gonna be punished with two weeks of detention.
Agent Sharp: I'm afraid it's a bit more complicated than that, Mr. School Counselor. You see, since the victim in this case is African-American, this is considered [close-up] a hate crime.
Cartman: ...What the hell is a hate crime?
Mr. Mackey: Uh, oh, but I don't think this is a ruh-
Agent Keen: New laws have been passed that make any crime based on race, ethnicity, or sexual orientation a federal offense.
Cartman: What? A federal offense?
Mr. Mackey: Oh no.
Cartman: Oh no??
Agent Keen: We're sorry, Ms. Cartman, but we must follow protocol. [grabs a hold of Cartman] Your son will be taken into custody and then tried in the federal court of law. [the two agents walk out with Cartman]
Liane: Oh my goodness.
Scene Description: Trial TV, Tuesday. The letters fly into place over blind Justice holding the scales
Announcer: The hate crime trial of the century is underway [Cartman is shown] on Court TV tracks U van. [Token is shown]. Live. Here's your host, Leslie Smith.
Leslie: What turns a normal, fat little eight-year-old boy into a vicious, hate-crime-committing racist? We take you live to the courtroom [the courthouse is shown] as the defendant takes the stand.
Scene Description: The courtroom. The prosecutor grills Cartman
Prosecutor: Mr. Cartman, do you know a boy by the name of "Token?"
Cartman: Uh, yes?
Prosecutor: Who is Token?
Cartman: He's a black kid that goes to my school?
Prosecutor: [outraged] Black?! Did you say black?! You called him black?!
Cartman: He is black.
Prosecutor: O! [turns to the audience] He said it again! [the audience gasps] He is African-American, and so you decided to pick him out!
Cartman: I did?
Prosecutor: The rage built and built inside your head until it became too much because you hate African-Americans!!
Cartman: No! I hate hippies!
Prosecutor: What?
Cartman: I hate hippies! I mean, the way they always talk about "protectin' the earth" and then drive around in cars that get poor gas mileage and wear those stupid bracelets - I hate 'em! I wanna kick 'em in the nuts!
Liane: [behind the defense area] Oo, poopiekins?
Prosecutor: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, this is why we have hate-crime laws! This "monster" committed a crime-not against an individual, but against a race! Do the democratic thing and send his fat little butt to prison!
Cartman: [off camera] Ey! Don't call me fat, asshole!
Prosecutor: [faces the audience and judge] The prosecution rests.
Lizzy: [walks in with Bebe, stops next to Stan and Kyle] Don't forget: we still have that sledding race this Saturday, pillow biters. [turns around and walks away]
Stan, Kyle: We know!
Stan: Dude, this is horrible. We gotta get Cartman out of court so we can go practice.
Scene Description: The courtroom, some time later. A verdict has been reached, and the Judge announces it.
Judge: Eric Cartman, you have been found guilty of committing a hate crime. For this, I hereby sentence you to the Alamosa Juvenile Hall, until you turn twenty-one.
Cartman: No!
Judge: I am making an example of you, to send a message out to people everywhere: that if you want to hurt another human being, you'd better make damn sure they're the same color as you are! [Cartman stares blankly back at the Judge, Stan and Kyle look at each other] Court is adjourned! [gavels one last time.]
The Girls: [Bebe, Lizzy, and Red jump for joy.] Woohoo! Hooray!
Judge: Bailiffs, escort this little bastard to Juvenile Hall.
Black Bailiff: Yes, sir. [they turn to face Cartman]
White Bailiff: Alright, you! ...Uh-uh-uh, where'd he go? [Cartman has disappeared, leaving a fallen chair behind]
Scene Description: Kenny's house. Cartman rushes up to it and pounds on the front door. Kenny opens the door
Cartman: [jumping excitedly] Kenny! Kenny, you have to get me out of town!
Kenny: (What the fuck for?!)
Cartman: They're gonna put me in jail for a hate crime! You have to take me to Mexico!
Kenny: (Mexico?! Why the heck do I have to take you all the way to Mexico?!)
Cartman: [slaps Kenny] Calm down, Kenny!
Kenny: (Hey!)
Cartman: Do you still have that battery-powered toy truck you got last Christmas?!
Kenny: (Yes)
Cartman: Well, come on! I don't have much time! [heads for the garage. Outside, the garage door opens and a tiny truck creaks out with Kenny at the wheel and Cartman in the back seat]
Scene Description: News Flash: "High Speed Chase"
Anchor: A car chase is evolving on the 285 corridor east of South Park! Hate-crime suspect Eric Cartman is trying to outrun federal prosecutors in his friend's Go-Go Action Bronco! Our Eye in the Sky Greg Nimins is there live. Greg?
Greg Nimins: ["NEWS 4 LIVE!"] Tom, it looks like the Go-Go Action Bronco is heading east on 285. Police officers are right behind him [in a single line, creeping] but as with any chase, they're keeping a safe distance to avoid any accidents here out on the highway. [Kenny takes a transition road off to his right] Tom, it looks like the fugitive is going to make a bold move off an exit off 285. He's going into a residential neighborhood now; this is where it could get dangerous, as there are pedestrians about.
Scene Description: In the Go-Go Action Bronco
Cartman: Damnit, Kenny! Can't this thing go any faster?!
Kenny: [looks back] (Why don'tcha keep your head down?!) [Cartman ducks]
Scene Description: back to the report
Greg Nimins: Tom, the police have set a roadblock right where the Go-Go Action Bronco is heading. [they have also enlisted the fire department's help] This could be the final stand-off.
Policeman 1: [holds his hand up for a halt] Alright, that's far enough. Stop the Go-Go Action Bronco and come out with your hands up. [the Bronco keeps going] Just bring it to a stop and come on out. [the Bronco keeps going] Jeezus, he's gonna ram it! [the officers dive for cover and Kenny pushes into the two cars blocking his way. Slowly, tons of steel give way before the puny Bronco, and Kenny and Cartman break through the blockade. The Bronco leaves and the officers get up.] Crazy son of a bitch.
Scene Description: News Flash: Continuing coverage. Stan and Kyle watch the news flash at Stan's house
Greg Nimins: Well, it's been over thirteen hours now, and still the car chase has not ended. [eight cars are shown in four rows of two following the little Go-Go Action Bronco.]
Kyle: What the hell are they doing?
Greg Nimins: The chase has now moved through most of Arizona and nears the Mexican border.
Stan: Dude, if Kenny takes Cartman to Mexico, how are we ever gonna win the sledding race on Saturday?
Kyle: Don't worry, dude. That little truck just runs on D batteries. It's gonna run out of juice soon. [the camera zooms out to show two lines of police cars following closely behind Kenny and Cartman. At least 22 cars are shown]
Scene Description: The Arizona desert
Cartman:: We're gonna make it, Kenny! We're gonna make it to Mexico! [the little Bronco crawls to a dead stop.] Oh, God dammit! [the police cars rush in and the first one bumps the Bronco down the road. The others run into the first one and pile on. A few cars fly over and crash]
Scene Description: Stan's house. The phone rings
Stan: [answers] Hello?
Lizzy: Just a friendly reminder: Cartman's going to jail and you've got four days until the race, rump rangers!
Stan: Son of a bitch!
Scene Description: A truck arrives at the main gates of a prison in the desert. The gates part and the truck enters
Driver: Here we are, the end of the road. Alamosa Maximum Security Juvenile Hall.
Scene Description: A clown face greets the truck and the double doors open. Officers line up and Cartman gets a good look at the inmates. Two kids are using weights, a third sits brooding, an angry African-American boy stands next to another brooding kid. Four kids play basketball, with the blond one having blood in his hair. Two kids play tic-tac-toe, and two others play tetherball. Cartman looks again and sees a sign saying, "Gruffy Bear sez: Try to escape and we'll shoot you where you stand." Two soldiers pace the catwalk above. Cartman looks again, and three boys beat a fourth over a football. A kid in nothing but briefs puts on airs while smoking. Cartman looks again and three babies play with blocks under an officer's semiautomatic. The babies are chained to each other
Scene Description: A few moments later, and Cartman is in an orange prison suit being admitted
Warden: Prisoner 24601, arriving. [Cartman enters holding some bedding] Forward, prisoner! You will wake up each morning at 0500. [leads him in] Lockdown is until 0900. At ten we begin random searches and checks for contraband. [they pass through a security door into the mess hall] At 11:30 we have naptime, followed by finger-painting. Your cellmate is Romper Stomper! [the other kids look up and gasp]
Cartman: Huh-who's Romper Stomper?
Romper Stomper: [steps into the aisle] I am! [His feet are shown with yellow pails underneath them. Cartman turns, and a menacing kid with a teardrop tattoo under the left eye looks back at him] And I don't want no new cellmate!
Warden: [Cartman hides behind him] You don't have a choice, Stomper! Now, show this new prisoner the ropes!
Romper Stomper: Oh, I will! [steps forward on his pails] You bet your ass I will.
Scene Description: Wednesday, Phil Collins Hill, practice run. Elevation: 9436 feet. The boys in the class are gathered at the summit with Stan, Kyle, and Kenny. Phil Collins' face is the hill's defining geographic feature
Stan: Alright, guys. It looks like Cartman's not gonna be able to sled with us for another... 13 years, so in the meantime we need someone to race with us against the girls on Saturday.
Kyle: Yeah. Cartman's weight was what gave us speed, so we need to find the next-fattest kid besides Cartman. [The others look around at each other]
Stan: Come on, who's the second-fattest kid in South Park?
Butters: ...Uuhh, I think Clyde is the next-fattest uh-kid.
Clyde: Huh?
Kyle: Yeah. Okay, get over here, Clyde.
Clyde: I'm not fat.
Stan: Deal with it, dude! Cartman's gone, so now you're the fat kid.
Kyle: Yeah, fatass! Get your fat butt on the sled!
Clyde: [sits on the back end of the sled] Hey, I'm not fat, you guys. I'm just kind of big-boned.
Stan: Dah, that's what they all say. Okay, ready? Go! [he, Kyle, and Kenny push off and then hop on as the sled picks up speed. The rest of the kids cheer them on]
Kyle: [as the sled stops] Awwgh! Hey dude, we don't even have enough weight to move.
Lizzy: [her team's sled passes the boys by] See you Saturday, poo sniffers!
Stan: [looks back at Clyde] Nice going, fat boy!
Scene Description: Alamosa Juvenile Hall. Some of the kids gather around Cartman.
Romper Stomper: Well, well, well. New fish. How about you come up with a reason why we don't break your arms?!
Inmates: Yeah!
Cartman: Uh... 'Cause I'm just like you guys. Uh-I'm one of you.
Romper Stomper: Oh yeah? The way I see it, there's two kinds of kids in the world: kids who like Animaniacs, and kids who don't like Animaniacs. You're either with us, or you're against us. So which are you?!
Cartman: Oh, uh, well, personally, I... uhuhuhuh, I... don't like Animaniacs?
Romper Stomper: [after some thought] ...Neither do we
Cartman: [softly] Oh, thank you, Jesus. [normally] So we're friends now?
Romper Stomper: No! There's no friends in the Big House! You come in with nobody and you leave with nobody. We don't believe in "friends."
Inmates: Yeah!
Cartman: Yeah, neither do I. Friends suck.
Romper Stomper: Now, go find me some cigarettes and I'll tell you how to bust out of here.
Scene Description: Phil Collins Hill, second practice run. Kyle and Kenny add the finishing touches to something on the sled
Stan: Okay, we've figured it out. To add more weight to the sled, we're gonna use these bricks [points to them], but we're gonna cover 'em with kid's clothes so that the girls think it's another kid!
Pip: Oh, that's a wonderful idea.
Clyde: So I don't get to be on the team now?
All the boys: Shut up, fatass!
Kyle: Yeah, why don't you go eat some more pork rinds or something, you fat fuck?! [Clyde glares back]
Stan: Come on, let's get it a try. [he and Kyle get on, and Kenny starts the sled and gets on,]
Kenny, Stan: Woopee!
Stan: Yeah-
Stan, Kenny, Kyle: Wo-o-o-o-oh! [they lose control of the sled and start spinning]
Stan: [to Kyle] Dude, bail! Bail! [they jump off, leaving Kenny with the brick rider. They end up face down]
Kenny: (Huh? Uh.) [the sled hits a rock, tossing him through the air] (AAAAAA!) [slams into a tree and sticks] (Ufff!) [the brick rider slams into him, killing him] (Ugh!)
Stan: [looks up] Ooh, my God, we killed Kenny.
Kyle: We killed Kenny?
Stan: We Killed Kenny. We're bastards. [they walk up to the tree and stand in front of the puddle of blood]
Kyle: Well, that didn't work. What else can we try?
Stan: Nothing else is gonna work. [the rest of the boys converge on the tree] We have to face the fact that without Cartman we're gonna lose to a bunch o' girls.
Butters: Well, uh-I sure do hate to, uh, to see my gender tuh, lose to a bunch o' women!
Pip: This is a sad day for men everywhere.
Stan: You know something, guys? I think we all took Cartman's ass for granted.
All the boys: Yeup.
Kyle: If only we had realized how special our time with his gigantic ass was.
Butters: Well, all that time we didn't understand what a... unique and magical ass it was.
Lizzy: [arrives and steps off the sled] Woohoo. Great time, girls. [notices Kenny flattened against the tree] Oh, gee. Looks like you lost another sledder. Good luck on Saturday, doughnut punchers! [walks away with her sled and the three other girls]
Stan: That does it! We've got no other choice! We've got to bust Cartman out of jail!
Some boys: Oh?
Other boys: [simultaneous] Huh?
Kyle: How?
Stan: I saw a movie once where they baked a cake and put a nail file inside of it.
Kyle: Sweet! Let's go!
The group: Hooray! Alright! Here we go!
Scene Description: Alamosa Juvenile Hall, Thursday. Visiting hours 10:00 to 2:00. Relatives have come to visit the inmates
Mother 1: And have you been brushing your teeth?
Boy 1: Yes, Mommy.
Mother 1: And not dropping your soap?
Boy 1: Yes, Mommy.
Boy 2: Hi, Mom.
Mother 2: Young man, that is the fourth time you've been late for our visiting time; you are grounded.
Boy 2: Grounded? On, no! Um, wait... [Cartman has no visitors yet]
Guard: [leads Kyle and Stan to Cartman] Here you go, boys. Keep it short.
Cartman: Hey you guys.
Kyle: [he and Stan take their seats] Hey, fatass. How's prison?
Cartman: Well, it sucks balls. Whattaya think?
Stan: Cartman, why the hell did you have to commit a hate crime?! We're gonna lose to girls because of you!
Kyle: Yeah! So you gotta bust out of here. [lowers his voice] So we made you this cake. [lifts it onto the counter, and it reads, "Get Out Soon, Cartman"] There's a ailnay ilefay inside of it.
Cartman: A what?
Kyle: [softly] An ailnay ilefay.
Cartman: Wwhat's that?
Kyle: Listen, aggotfay! An ailnay ilefay so you can eakbray out of isonpray!
Stan: Yeah, you stupid umbassday!
Cartman: I'd love to eat a cake, you guys, but they don't let us take anything back to the cells from here
Kyle: They on'tday?! [takes the cake down] Why the ellhay otnay?! It ooktay ourfay ourshay to akebay this Od-damnedgay akecay, and ownay we're otallytay ewedscray!
Stan: ...Yeah.
Cartman: [a guard walks past him] Look, that's not important right now! Did you guys bring the cigarettes?
Kyle: Well, we got some cigarettes, but we don't think you should be smoking. Each year, over a million people die of smo-
Cartman: Just hand over the God-damned cigarettes!
Stan: Sshh! [the guard looks over]
Cartman: Look, if you guys want me back to win the sledding race, [hushed] then I need those cigarettes.
Stan: How are we supposed to give them to you?
Cartman: Just pass them through these little drill holes here. That's what everybody does.
Stan: But they're gonna search you on your way back to your cell.
Cartman: I know. That's why I have to have them up my ass. [Stan and Kyle look at him and bust out laughing] Shut up, you guys! It's not funny!
Stan: Alright, here. [pulls some out and slips them through the holes one by one. The guard checks his watch and Cartman packs his ass]
Cartman: Well, okay... here... l'see...
Stan: Wow. I really wish I hadn't sat here and watched that.
Kyle: Me too.
Cartman: Okay, guys, eh... If you'll excuse me, I must be going now. [leaves the visiting area]
Kyle: Don't fart on your way out; you might make little smoke signals. [he and Stan laugh]
Cartman: [at the door] Hahah. Very funny, you guys, hahah. [the guard opens the door and Cartman walks in]
Scene Description: Alamosa Juvenile Hall, outside the main gate. Stan and Kyle exit and Stan sets the cake on the ground.
Stan: That sucks that we couldn't give him the nail file. [pulls it out]
Kyle: So now what do we do?
Stan: There's only one thing we can do. We have to go see Token and see if he'll forgive Cartman for hate-criming him. Come on, we're running out of time!
Scene Description: Alamosa Juvenile Hall, Cartman's cell. He enters
Romper Stomper: [reading a book, looks up] Well, did you get the cigarettes?
Cartman: Yes. They are safely concealed in the depths of my ass.
Romper Stomper: Alright. Go sit on the toilet and poop them out. I'll keep an eye out for the guards. [Cartman does as told and starts groaning]
Cartman: Engh. Egh. Uuuh, stupid cigarettes. [groans some more until a plop is heard] There's one. [groans and screams until a second plop is heard] There's two. [more groans] Come on! Uugh, come on, now! Come on, uuhhhgghh [plop] yeahhh. Hoh. Phew. [flushes the toilet and Romper looks up horrified] Hoh. ...Oh, God-damnit! [walks back to Romper crestfallen]
Romper Stomper: You flushed them?!
Cartman: Well, you spend eight years takin' a crap and then flushin' the toilet; it sorta becomes a reflex! Please, just help me bust out of here.
Romper Stomper: No way, douche. I told you: I ain't your friend. If you want me to help you, you're gonna have to sneak something else in for me.
Cartman: Son of a bitch!
Scene Description: South Park, Friday during the day. Stan and Kyle get off a bus onto an affluent part of town
Kyle: Dude, I didn't know Token lived so far away.
Stan: Yeah. You know, they bus in people from different races to our school to promote cultural diversity.
Kyle: Yeah. But isn't Token the only one?
Stan: Yeah. [they walk up to the front door of a nice house. Kyle rings the bell]
Linda Black: [answering] Hello?
Stan: Hi. Can Token come out and play?
Linda Black: Well, his head is still a little sore, but you can come in, if you like. [the boys enter]
Kyle: Killer.
Stan: [sees Token] Token, you don't wanna see us guys lose to girls tomorrow, do you?
Token: No.
Kyle: Well then, [Token begins to move away. Kyle holds his shoulder, but moves with him. Stan follows] you've got to call the jail right now and tell them that you forgive Cartman for being a dumbass!
Token: Yeah.
Steve Black: I'm afraid it's not that simple, boys.
Stan: It's not?
Steve Black: No. You see, the only person that can let Eric out of Juvenile Hall is the governor.
Kyle: Dammit! Son of a bitch, dammit! [remembers where he is] Oh, sorry.
Steve Black: No, I'd, actually agree with you.
Kyle: Huh?
Steve Black: Yeah. I have a real problem.with hate-crime legislation. In fact, I'd love to see you kids go down and give the governor a piece of my mind.
Stan: Well, why don't you tell the governor yourself?
Steve Black: Oh, he wouldn't listen to me.
Kyle: Why not?
Steve Black: Because I'm black.
Stan, Kyle: Oh.
Steve Black: Sit down, boys. I'm gonna give you a little lesson about hate-crime laws. [leads them away]
Scene Description: Alamosa Juvenile Hall. Cartman is at the toilet pooping something else. Romper is reading
Cartman: [moans and tries until a small splash is heard] Oh, thank God! Oh, thank you, Jesus, uh! Hoh. [walks in with a box and tosses it on the ground] Here you go, God-damnit!
Romper Stomper: [tosses his book away and stands up] Cool! My very own Tic-Tac-Throw game. [picks it up] Ew, it smells, man.
Cartman: Well, what the hell do you expect, huh?! Now I got your stupid game; tell me how to break out of here!
Romper Stomper: You're not gonna break out of here! You're here 'til you're 21, douche!
Cartman: But you said-
Romper Stomper: I just wanted you to sneak stuff in for me. What? You actually think I give a crap about you?
Cartman: I thought that-
Romper Stomper: Hneah. You'd better wise up to the way things work in the big house. [walks to the cell door] Hey guys! I gots me a new Tic-Tac-Throw [Cartman, forsaken, begins to cry] Yeah, it's a little ripe, but it's brand new, man! You can play it at recess. [turns to Cartman] Hey. Uh, what are you doing? [Cartman cries some more] You... you can't cry in prison, man. They'll bust your head open. What's the matter with you?!
Cartman: I want my Mo-omm [cries some more and rubs his eyes]
Romper Stomper: Dude. [walks up to Cartman]
Cartman: Mommy, I want my Mommy! [continues crying]
Romper Stomper: Look, if it's that important to you, I'll bust you out of here.
Cartman: You will?
Romper Stomper: Yeah. ...Yyeah, I will. Uh-but not because you're my friend. Only because... because I wanna bust out, too. Anh-anh, and see Disneyland.
Scene Description: The governor's office, day. An aide peeks in
Aide: Governor, the Free Eric Cartman Now Committee is here to see you?
Governor: Naw, not another committee. Send them in. [Stan, Kyle, and Token enter. Kyle carries a boombox and Token an easel with their presentation on it. They set up] This is the Free Eric Cartman Now Committee?
Token: Yeah.
Governor: Well, boys, what can I do for you?
Stan: [to Kyle] Okay, go ahead and start.
Kyle: I don't start, you start.
Stan: Oh, uhyeah. [walks to the easel and clears his throat] Hello, Mr. Governor, and thank you for taking the time to hear our presentation on hate-crime laws, entitled, "Hate Crime Laws: A Savage Hypocrisy." [shows the title page. Kyle presses the play button for some ambiance] Yes, over the past few years our great country has been developing new hate crime laws.
Token: [flips a page to depict a stabbing in progress] If somebody kills somebody, it's a crime. But if someone kills somebody of a different color, it's a hate crime.
Kyle: And we think that that is [flips the page to reveal a copy of the title page] a savage hypocrisy, because all crimes are hate crimes. If a man beats another man because that man was sleeping with his wife, is that not a hate crime?
Stan: [flips the page to reveal a person tagging City Hall] If a person vandalizes a government building, is it not because of his hate for the government?
Token: [flips the page to reveal a man being hit deliberately by a car] And motivation for a crime shouldn't affect the sentencing.
Stan: [flips the page to reveal warring groups of people around a question mark] Mayor, it is time to stop splitting people into groups. All hate crimes do is support the idea that blacks are different from whites, that homosexuals need to be treated differently from non-homos, that we aren't the same.
Kyle: [shows a rainbow of people holding hands] But instead, we should all be treated the same, with the same laws and the same punishments for the same crimes [Stan flips the page to reveal their hate crime proposal]. For in that way Cartman can be freed from prison, and we [flips the page to show them winning a sledding race] will have a chance to win the sledding race on Thursday.
Stan: That is our presentation. An idea that we call...
Token: [flips the page to reveal another copy of the title page] "Hate Crime Laws: A Savage Hypocrisy." [Kyle turns the tape player off]
Governor: Hm. That made the most sense of any presentation I've heard in the last three years.
Scene Description: Outside Alamosa Juvenile Hall, Friday night. Alarms sound and searchlights abound, indicating someone has broken out. Footsteps are heard, and Cartman and Romper climb over a hill
Romper Stomper: Hurry up! They're sending the dogs after us! [Cartman runs ahead, Romper trips on a rock] Mph. Oowww!
Cartman: [turns around] What's the matter?
Romper Stomper: [looks up] It's my leg! I think it's broken. [looks back] You go on ahead without me.
Cartman: Uhokay. [turns and runs]
Romper Stomper: Hey. [Cartman stops and turns] You're supposed to say, "I'm not going without you," or something.
Cartman: Oh. Really?
Romper Stomper: Look, kid, you go on. You've got something to live out there. You've got friends.
Cartman: Yeah. I never really realized that until just now.
Romper Stomper: I sure would have liked to have seen Disneyland. Here. I want you to have these. [offers his pails]
Cartman: Okay. [retrieves them]
Romper Stomper: No! You're supposed to say, "I can't take these," or something, dumbass!
Cartman: Oh. I can't take these. [offers them back]
Romper Stomper: Take them. They'll bring you luck. [looks back again] Now go on. Get out of here. [Cartman turns, walks some, and returns]
Cartman: Romper?
Romper Stomper: Yeah?
Cartman: You... well... I know you don't think you've... ever been anybody's friend, but, well, you're a friend to me.
Guard: [shows up with other guards] Alright, freeze! [Cartman steps to Romper's side]
Cartman: You'll never take us alive! We're going down together, pigs!
Guard: But you've been pardoned by the governor! [shows the document]
Cartman: [takes it] O ho ho, sweet. Later, dudes. [walks away]
Scene Description: Phil Collins Hill, Saturday. The sledders are at the top of the run and other kids are at the finish line
Lizzy: [at the front of the girls' sled] Well, come on! Are we racing or not?!
Stan: Just wait. We got Cartman pardoned; he'll be here any second.
Kyle: He's gotta show up. He's just got to.
Lizzy: Come on, my feet are getting cold, fudge packers!
Bebe: Yeah. If you're too scared to race, just say so!
Kyle: Dude, I guess we've just got to try it without him.
Stan: Alright, where's Clyde.
Clyde: [steps up] Right here.
Stan: Get on the sled, you fat piece of shit!
Clyde: For the last time, I'm not fat, so stop calling me fat, God-damnit! [realizes he's responded as Cartman would, and covers his mouth with both hands]
Kyle: On the sled, fatass!
Lizzy: Okay, girls. Time to show the boys what we can do!
Other girls: Yeah!
Butters: [steps into place with the starting flags] Huh-okay. Uh-ready, uhset,-
Cartman: [Butters looks up] You guys! [runs over a hill into view and races towards the group]
Stan: It's Cartman!
Boy Sledders: Hooray!
Cartman: That's right! I'm back! [Clyde walks over and hugs him, and he is surprised]
Clyde: Oh, thank you! Thank you for coming back! [relief creeps in] Thank you so much. Thank you.
Cartman: What the hell's wrong with Clyde?
Lizzy: This is your last chance! Are we racing or not?!
Stan: All right! Let's do this!
Butters: Okay. Everybody ready? On your marks.
Cartman: I hope I can adjust to life outside of the big house.
Butters: Uh-get set. Go! [lowers the flags, and the girls shove off]
Cartman: Been on the inside for so long, I don't remember how to live on the outside.
Kyle: Go, fatass!
Cartman: When a man is stripped of his freedom, degraded in the ways that I was, it's-
Token, Kyle, Stan: Go, fatass! [Cartman shoves the sled into motion and hops on]
Stan: Come on! We've gotta catch up to them! [the camera looks at the slope. The girls come down first, then the boys]
Lizzy: We've got' em, girls!
Kyle: Oh no! The girls are gonna win!
Kids at Finish Line: Go! You can do it! Come on!
Stan: We're not gonna make it! [Cartman thinks, then he remembers.]
Cartman: Hey. [pulls out the pails and tosses them at the girls' sled]
Lizzy: G'aaaaah! [the pails gum up the reins. The girls' sled veers off the run and over a cliff. The weightlessness causes the girls and sled to separate, and all fall scattered on the ground below. A brown bear comes up]
Bear: Rowr. {carries Lizzy away]
Boy Sledders: [crossing the finish line] Hooray!
Stan: We did it!
Girls: Awww. [walk away disappointed, leaving only one blonde carrying a sign: GIRLS RULE]
Kyle: We won! We won!
Butters: Yeah. Why, we sure-uh gave those skanky bitches what for!
Boys: Hooray!
Kyle: It's good to have you back, Cartman.
Stan: Yeah,. We're never gonna take you ass for granted ever again.
Cartman: Yeah, and I'm not gonna take my friends for granted ever again.
Pip: Let's all hear it for Cartman's big, fat ass! [no one does. Cartman picks up a rock and throws it at him] Oh-ff. [falls on his face. The rock lands next to Cartman]
Cartman: Do British people count as an ethnicity for hate crimes?
Stan, Kyle, Butters, Token: Naah.
Cartman: Sweet.
Scene Description: Alamosa Juvenile Hall, later, Romper's cell. He is reading
Guard: Hey! Romper Stomper! Get up! [Romper gets up] You got a visitor! [rolls the door aside and Cartman enters]
Romper Stomper: Eric!
Cartman: Hey, Romper Stomper.
Romper Stomper: Wow! I've never had a visitor before!
Cartman: Well, that's not all. I snuck something in for you, too.
Romper Stomper: You did? [Cartman goes to the door to make sure the guards are gone, then returns to Stomper]
Cartman: You know how you told me you always wanted to see Disneyland?
Romper Stomper: Yeah. [Cartman walks off to the toilet]
Cartman: [begins grunting. A few moments later, and a grin breaks out on Stomper's face. A big splash follows] Yeah! That's the Pirates of the Caribbean. Ugh.
Romper Stomper: Whoa! [end credits roll]
Cartman: Hegh. Oh! Here comes Space Mountain-oh-uugh. [splash. Romper is stunned] Ogh! Wait-
Romper Stomper: Oh, yeah!
Cartman: [grunts some more] Uh, what else? [splash] Splash Mountain, that comes now-oh! [grunts some more, then, splash]
Romper Stomper: Oh, the monorail!