Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The hallway is full of students. Kyle walks down the hallway. Jimmy passes him going the other way, but notices him and walks over.
Jimmy: Oh! Hey, Kyle! [Kyle looks over his shoulder] Kyle, hang on a sec. [He's holding his phone, on which is a Terrance & Phillip game]
Kyle: [turns to face him] Hey, Jimmy. What's up?
Jimmy: Not much. I just wanted to make sure you heard the fuh-fantastic news. There's a new Terrance & Phillip mobile game, and it's so amazing and incredibly fun.
Kyle: Oh. Really?
Jimmy: Yeah! And the most unbelievable part? It's totally free. You should download it to your phone right now. I mean, come. On. If it's free, why wouldn't you?
Kyle: [considers it for a moment] Cool. Thanks, Jimmy, well, I'll check it out.
Jimmy: You betcha, pal. [grins. Kyle turns and walks away and the grin fades. Jimmy turns and continues on his way]
Scene Description: Close-up view of the Terrance & Phillip Mobile Game
Announcer: The Terrance & Phillip Mobile Game. [The game goes from the splash screen to a layout of their town, starting at their house. Coins float over the streets, ready to be grabbed. The announcer pops into view] In this game, you are Terrance & Phillip. Can you collect all the Canadian coins? *poot* [disappears.]
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, side entrance. Kyle has downloaded the game and is now playing it while Butters sits next to him on the steps and watches. Kyle taps on a coin...
Announcer: That's one coin. Can you collect more? [Kyle taps on more coins on the screen] You've collected ten Canadian coins! [a big red 10 appears on a yellow star] Congratulations! [that word, also in red, appears above the 10] Hey, you're really good at this, guy!
Kyle: What?
Butters: Congratulations, Kyle.
Announcer: [pops up again] With Canada coins, you can buy stuff that helps Terrance & Phillip rebuild Canada. [only five buildings, all houses, are shown, with the rest of the area being undeveloped] Run around and collect more coins, or better yet, buy them in bulk! [a Royal Bank price chart appears, with purchases going from 200 Canadian coins for 49 cents to 5700 for $50] How many Canadian coins would you like to buy?
Kyle: This is stupid!
Butters: Well, it's just 49 cents for the cheapest one. [Kyle taps on the button and coins pop out at him]
Announcer: You buy 200 Canadian coins for 49 cents! You're amazing! Now use that Canadough to help rebuild Canada! Click to build a hospital here. [a floating red arrow pops up on the empty block across from Terrance & Phillip's house. Kyle taps on it and the hospital appears]
Terrance & Phillip: Yaaay!
Kyle: It's still stupid and now I paid 49 cents for it!
Cartman: [approaching wit Kenny] What are you two boners doing?
Butters: We're playing the Terrance & Phillip Freemium Game.
Cartman: I played that thing; it's fuckin' dumb. I ended up paying like five bucks.
Kyle: Who makes this crap?
Scene Description: The Canadian Department of Mobile Gaming, day. It's a busy place, as suits go in and out of the building. A hockey skater zips by on the street with a puck. Inside, in a meeting room, two men are at a table. One of them is on a laptop while the other watches. The meeting room is ringed with curtains
Minister: Oh! It's tewwific! That's 200,000 more American dollars in just one day!
Prince: Where is the roof on this thing?
Terrance: [the double doors burst open and Terrance & Phillip storm their way in] What's the big idea making a mobile game without our approval?!
Minister: Ohh, Terrance & Phillip! How are Canada's two favorite buddies?
Phillip: What gives you the right to make a stupid Terrance & Phillip mobile game?! Who do you think you are?!
Prince: Oh, I'm only the Prince of Canada! And this happens to be the Minister of Mobile Gaming.
Minister: We thought you would be pleased with the quality of the mobile game-eh.
Phillip: It's the dumbest game ever! All you do is collect and spend Canadough!
Prince: Ey! We know the game's not great, but who cares? It's free!
Phillip: But it's not free! If you charge 40 cents here and 50 cents there, then it's not free!
Minister: [low voice] They see through the charade.
Prince: Uh oh, you think so?
Minister: I think they see through the charade, yes.
Prince: I'm pretty sure they can hear us too. [Yes, and they're not pleased one bit.]
Minister: Alright, fuck it! You've seen through the charade, so you might as well know everything. Charade up! [walks up to a large heavy rope and pulls on it. A bell sounds and the curtain around the room go up, revealing white boards that show how the mobile game is set up. Terrance & Phillip are suddenly bewildered] Allow me to explain the science behind micropay premium gaming. For years, gaming was simple: you pay for the game and you enjoy. With mobile apps, we now have the ability to make games that are boring and stupid. But if you pay for incentives, you're rewarded!
Prince: Free"mium". The "mium" is Latin for "not really."
Minister: It's a simple cycle, a never-ending loop based on RPGs: Explore -> Collect -> Spend -> Improve. But whereas those just use the concept of XP or Experience Points, we've introduced the idea of micro-paying with money. Money. Money. Money money money money.
Prince: It's what everyone is doing. Freemium games are what's now. And it's all just a lot of harmless fun!
Scene Description: The Marsh house, evening. Randy and Sharon have Stan on the sofa
Randy: You're in big trouble, Stanley! Can you explain to us how you managed to spend $489 on a mobile app?! [whips out a phone bill. Sharon's arms are crossed]
Stan: I'm sorry. I didn't realize I spent that much.
Randy: You didn't realize! What are "Canadian coins"?
Stan: You buy Canadian coins so you have Canadough.
Randy: Stan, just because I make a good living with my music doesn't mean you can go blow it all on Canadough!
Stan: I'll pay you back for it, okay?!
Randy: How?!
Stan: I don't know, I'll figure it out! Jesus Christ!
Scene Description: The master bedroom, later. Randy changes into red pajamas while Sharon is already in her white ones sipping some water.
Randy: Can you believe him?! He knew how much he was spending! He knew he'd get in trouble, but it didn't matter! [Sharon lies down] I hate to say it, but this is a lot like his grandpa.
Sharon: Wull whattaya mean?
Randy: [faces Sharon] Dad's always had a gambling problem. He's got total addiction tendencies. Could he have somehow... passed those demons down to Stan?
Sharon: Well then you certainly have some of those problems too with drinking.
Randy: I had a problem, but I was able to stop. Now I only drink gluten-free beer and wine. But with Stan, I think there's some darkness inside him that... doesn't... allow him to stop.[dramatic exit music]
Scene Description: Back to the Canadian Department of Mobile Gaming.
Minister: And so in conclusion, the successful premium game is based on five principles: entice the player with a simple game loop, use lots of flashing cha-chings and compliments to make the player feel good about themselves, train the players to spend your fake currency, offer the player a way to spend real currency for your fake currency-
Prince: So they'll forget they're spending money.
Minister: -and make the game about waiting. But let the player pay not to wait. It's a surefire way to make lots of money.
Phillip: We understand micropaying, but can't the game hidden inside the charade it- just at least be fun?
Minister: No no! It has to be just barely fun. If the game were too fun, then there would be no reason to micropay in order to make it more fun. [the Prince gives Terrance and Phillip each a check.]
Terrance: What's this?
Prince: Your checks of course. For ten million American dollars. Each.
Terrance: So this is- Everyone is doing this?
Minister: Ehhhveryone is doing it.
Phillip: It's just the way things are going?
Minister: It's the way things are going!
Terrance: Well, I guess if everyone is just paying forty cents at a time it can't be that bad.
Scene Description: Stan's bedroom, day. Stan is playing the Terrance & Phillip mobile game in bed
Terrance: [in the game] Hey Phillip! [Stan's bedroom door opens and in walk Kyle, Kenny, and Cartman]
Stan: Ohhh hey guys.
Kyle: You... missed school today?
Stan: Yeah, I just wasn't feelin' the best.
Kyle: Did you play the Terrance & Phillip freemium game all day?
Stan: Well yeah, I was sick in bed. What else was I gonna do?
Cartman: How much money did you micropay today, Stan?
Stan: Nothing! Dude, I bought like $10 worth of Canadough. But check it out, I unlocked the stadium in Toronto. [smiles]
Kyle: You spent $10 and eight hours to unlock a stadium?
Stan: You guys, is it that much dumber than video games you play?
Cartman: Yes.
Stan: It's just something to kill some time. Like Jimmy said, it's a cool way to zone out.
Kyle: Waitwaitwait, Jimmy told you about this game?
Cartman: Jimmy told me about this game.
Kyle: Kenny, who told you about this game?
Kenny: (Jimmy.)
Kyle: Dude, what?!
Cartman: The?!
Kenny: (Fuck?!)
Scene Description: A street corner in South Park, near a fast-food restaurant. Jimmy stands there with phone in hand. He spots someone.
Jimmy: Pssst. Hey, kid. Come over here. [a boy crosses the street and stands next to him] Yeah, come on over. Ch-check this out. You looking to have some fun?
Boy: What do you mean?
Jimmy: The Terrance & Phillip mobile game. [whips it out] All the cool kids are usin' it.
Boy: Aw, I don't know.
Jimmy: Come, on, just try it out. You can be Terrance or Phillip or both. You can walk around and collect Canada cash to build new stuff. [Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny appear at the other end of the block and spot him, then walk towards him a few seconds later] It's the perfect thing if you're bored. And honestly, the best part about it, is it's free. I mean, come. On. Why wouldn't you download it, and just try it out? [the boys reach him]
Kyle: Hey, uh, Jimmy, can we talk?
Jimmy: Why sure fellas. [the boy turns left and walks away] Anyway, be sure to check it out, kid.
Kyle: [walks up to him] Dude, what are you doing?!
Jimmy: Just hangin' out. What are you up to?
Kyle: You need to stop recommending that app to people!
Kenny: (Yeah!)
Cartman: Everyone we know says they heard about it from you!
Jimmy: I just think it's a fabulous app, that's all.
Cartman: It's not a fabulous app! It's fuckin' stupid!
Kyle: [crosses his arms] Let me ask you something, Jimmy: What happens on level 2 after you get the Ontario Nugget?!
Jimmy: [on the spot] Alright, alright! I never played it. I stay away from the stuff.
Kyle: You just push it on other people?!
Jimmy: They pay me to!
Kyle: Who, Jimmy?! Who pays you?!
Scene Description: The Canadian Department of Mobile Gaming, day. The Prince looks out over the new construction going on in the city, then turns around
Prince: You've both done an amazing job. New hospitals, new neighborhoods, all funded by one freemium game.
Terrance: Ahh, listen, ahh, we've been talking it over, and we really are uncomfortable with this freemium thing.
Minister: Oh. Ah what is the matter?
Phillip: It seems dishonest and we have a brand to protect. [Terrance jumps up and farts on Phillip, who laughs.]
Prince: But just look at all the things we're getting to build. Soon, Canada will be as advanced and developed as Michigan.
Terrance: We're just worried that some people will abuse the game and start spending more money than they can afford.
Minister: Hoh non! Well, we certainly wouldn't want that! [gasps] Oh! I have an idea! How about we take some of the billions of dollars we are making and, we start a campaign to teach everyone to play the game in "moderation"?
Prince: Ohhhhh. [claps furiously]
Phillip: Do you really think that would help?
Minister: Of course! The alcohol industry does it all the time!
Scene Description: Live commercial for alcohol. A montage of people enjoying alcohol and the good life that often accompanies it.
Announcer: You. Friends. Fun. Drink. Hot girls. You're hot. Drink more. Expensive cars. Ass, drink, ass, money, you in a tuxedo, threesomes, vodka, pussy, drink, drink, drink, you, drink, Vegas, fun, pussy, you, in a tuxedo, fucking this girl, vodka, drink drink drink drink it all you fucking pussy! MORE TUXEDOS, MORE CARS, MORE PUSSY, MORE VODKA, DRINK DRINK DRINK! [screen goes black with "Drink Responsibly" in white on it] Please drink responsibly.
Scene Description: Three Feathers Casino, day. The camera pans from left to right. Randy appears in the far end of the casino and walks to the right
Randy: Come on. This way, Stan. I want you to see this. There you go. [Stan catches up] That's your grandpa. He sits at that slot machine and mindlessly drains money away a little bit at a time. Sound familiar? All the little sounds and lights are calculated to keep him sitting at that stupid machine. [they approach Marvin] Come on Dad, we're going home.
Marvin: [playing at a 25 cent Lucky Unicorn slot machine] Ah, go away.
Randy: Do you know what you've done to your grandson? You've infected him with your bullshit!
Marvin: What are you talkin' about?
Scene Description: The Marsh house, some time later, day. Randy is pacing the floor in front of the sofa as Stan and Marvin sit and listen
Randy: I just don't understand what is wrong with you two! What is the joy that this stuff possibly brings you?!
Stan: It's just...
Marvin: It's fun.
Stan: Yeah, it's fun.
Randy: It's not fun! You two have demons you're trying to compensate for!
Marvin: Well what about you?! You're havin' a glass of wine!
Randy: I'm not having a glass of wine, I'm having six! [walks up to a small buffet cabinet on which sit six different glasses of wine, from syrah to rosé] It's called a tasting, and it's classy![Marvin looks away]
Stan: Dad, I'm not addicted. I can stop. I just like playing it, but I don't have to. I'll prove it.
Marvin: [faces forward] Yeah, and if he stops, I'll stop.
Randy: All right. And if you two stop, then we won't have a problem anymore. [gulps down the glass of Merlot] HM. Earthy, bold, hint of cherry aftertones. *uurp*
Scene Description: Jimmy's house. He stands by a window contemplating
Jimmy: Is it my responsibility what people decide to do with their feh-f-free time? I was just a middleman. [turns around and walks across the room] People were going to learn about the game somewhere if not from me. I'm not the one who made it.
Kyle: But you accepted money from the Canadian government! To push a freemium game on us! Why would they do that?!
Jimmy: How do you get people addicted to crack? You give it away for free. You give away a little taste and then... and then some people... can't stop themselves.
Cartman: [approaches Jimmy and grabs him by the shirt collar] And now Stan is so consumed by the shit you've been pushing that he can't even see through it! How could you sell out your friend?!
Jimmy: I needed the money, alright?! [Cartman releases him and he walks off a bit] I downloaded Yum Yum Sparkly Gem Forest because it was free. I love the sparkly little gems. The sounds they made when I got new ones. Then I made my first in-app purchase. Before I knew it I had spent my allowance, then my birthday money, I LOST my CRUTCHES!
Kyle: You have your crutches!
Jimmy: It's a figure of speech with crippled people. We'd say we lost an arm and a leg, but they ain't worth much.
Cartman: That makes sense.
Kyle: You're saying these games do this on purpose?!
Jimmy: [faces the boys] Why do you think freemium games send you those text notifications when you haven't played in a while? It's called a trigger. A quick image to trigger the addict's brain. They know exactly what they're doing.
Scene Description: Stan's bedroom, night. He's awake in bed looking at the ceiling. The first notification comes in on his phone
Voice Notification: Hey, buddy. Come on, guy. [Stan turns to his left side and the notification disappears, but just as he closes his eyes another one follows.] Come back, friend. You've got new buddies, guy. [Stan takes his pillow and puts it over his head. The third notification comes in] We've just given you 5000 Canadian coins. [Stan quickly looks at his phone] Enjoy your Canadough.
Stan: ...Free? [puts his pillow back on the mattress, grabs the phone and starts playing again]
Scene Description: The Marsh kitchen, day. Randy and Stan are in it
Randy: What is wrong with you, Stan?! You said you stopped buying Canadough!
Stan: I didn't think I spent that much. I, I clicked on a few micropays and it just kinda added up.
Randy: $26,000??? Do you know how many songs I have to write to make back that much money?!
Stan: One?
Randy: Oh, it's just nothing' to you, isn't it?!
Stan: No, no, it's not.
Randy: You need to realize that you have something in your brain that you somehow inherited from your grandpa that makes you act this way, okay?!
Stan: I don't know how you can say that when you're standing here chugging beer!
Randy: I am not chugging beer! [walks up to the breakfast table on which are eight glasses of wine and eight of beer, paired up. He's gone through four pairs already] I'm sampling a flight of gluten-free German lagers with a French wine pairing! It's called a smorgaswein, and it's elegantly cultural! [plops the fifth lager into the fifth wine glass and chugs down the pair, then blows a whistle while shaking his head with his hands. Stan has nothing to say.]
Scene Description: Kyle's house, day. Stan walks over to it and rings the doorbell. Kyle answers the door.
Stan: Okay, I need help. [sometime later Cartman, Kenny and Jimmy arrive, and Stan picks up where he left off. The conversation moves to the living room, and Kyle gives Stan a comforting tap on the right shoulder] There is something different about me, you guys. I know the game is stupid, and it actually isn't even fun anymore. I don't understand.
Jimmy: Fellas, can I have a moment with Stan, please?
Kyle: Sure. Come on, guys. [he, Cartman and Kyle walk away]
Jimmy: This is my fault, Stan. I should have never told you the game was fuh fufuh fan-fantastic.
Stan: It's not your fault. It's something to do with my family. It's like a curse.
Jimmy: I know this stuff is hard to understand. Trust me, I know. I'm an addict too. But I got help.
Stan: How?
Jimmy: What all the addiction programs say is true. You've gotta reach out to a higher power, Stan. You've gotta get down on your knees, and you've gotta say "I have a problem." And you've gotta ask that higher power for help. [Stan is left deep in thought]
Scene Description: The Broflovski kitchen, at the same time. The other boys are in there waiting for Jimmy and Stan
Kyle: [brainstorming] We have to find a way to get the word out! People need to know pushers are being hired to take advantage of people with addiction problems! There has to be a way that we can get to the news company, and sneak in and somehow borrow their TV signal. If we could disguise ourselves as something ridiculous, then-
Cartman: It's done. [he had been texting on his phone]
Kyle: Wuh, what's done?
Cartman: The word is out. [shows him the phone] "Terrance & Phillip hire pushers to make money off addicts." I tweeted it. [glances at his phone's screen] It's trending.
Scene Description: The Canadian Department of Mobile Gaming, day. Terrance & Phillip burst through the doors again
Terrance: You son of a bitch! You paid pushers to get addicts hooked on our freemium game?!
Prince: You what?
Minister: Now hold on, Terrance & Philip, there's nothing wrong with promoting a mobile game.
Phillip: But there's something very wrong with knowingly making it appeal to human weaknesses!
Terrance: You didn't build a mobile game, you built an addiction machine!
Prince: Minister of mobile gaming, what's this all aboot?
Minister: Alright, alright, you've seen through the charade again. Let me explain how freemium games really work. [pulls down on the heavy rope again and new, prepared whiteboards come down over the used ones. The doors close and the room gets dim.] The truth is, a very small percentage of people who download freemium games ever pay anything for them. It's all aboot finding the heaviest users and extracting the most amount of cash from them. That's how you get addicts to pay two hundred bucks for a game that's not even worth forty cents.
Terrance: But then all our profits come from people with problems.
Minister: Don't think aboot that. Think about all the money. Here, have a bump of coke.
Phillip: [snorts the bump] Okay, but we still won't stand for this!
Scene Description: Stan's room, night. He's kneeling by the side of his bed, looking up at the moon. Then he gets to prayer
Stan: I don't know if you're listening, but... I guess I have something inside me that I can't control. Something... kind of dark. Please... help show me the way? [a bright, fiery light appears behind him and he turns to look at it. Satan emerges from it]
Satan: You have summoned the Prince of Temptation! For what purpose?!
Stan: Whoa, shit. Uhhh, I have addiction demons and I don't understand them.
Satan: Then allow me to explain the darkness of the human soul! [moments later he's on Stan's bed, the fiery light gone] So you got dopamine, right? That's the chemical that gets released in your brain whenever you do something pleasurable, like eating, sex, and that's just nature, right? Like rabbits and fish and shit. They need dopamine so that they want to consume and reproduce.
Stan: Okay.
Satan: But because humans have progressed and now have access to all the shit they want whenever they want it, it's easy for them to overdo and have dopamine problems. You know, it's not fuckin' rocket science, this stuff.
Stan: So there's nothing spiritually wrong with me?
Satan: Fuck no! It's like, okay, it's like being diabetic. You know, it's like you can eat wrong and eat wrong and chemicals get released from your liver in a weird way, you know, you've been eatin' gluten and shit, and then eventually you've got a chemical imbalance from your liver. And something clicked, and now you're diabetic forever, right? So like, if you keep doing something too much, eventually there's, ummm, a dopamine fuckup, right, and you're kind of screwed up for life.
Stan: So what does that mean? I I can get addicted to everything so I can't enjoy anything?
Satan: Yeah, that's pretty much what it means.
Stan: The addict people said something about me filling a hole.
Satan: Well who's not filling a fuckin' hole? Right? You know, I mean what kind of bullshit is that? So, let's talk about genetics now. You still have time?
Stan: Yeah, no, this is great.
Satan: Okay, let me get some visual aids. Gimme juuust a sec.
Scene Description: The Canadian Department of Mobile Gaming, day. The Minister continues with his lecture
Minister: Here is a fact: 80% of alcohol sales are paid for by alcoholics. Using slot machine tactics, freemium games are able to make millions off of an even smaller percentage of mobile gamers.
Phillip: Oh God, he just doesn't stop!
Terrance: Who IS this guy?!
Minister: We're building a new Canada with micropayments from addicts! Who cares?! You think the fucking alcohol industry cares?! They don't care that 10% are gonna get addicted, they're COUNTING on it!! It's the same with us, but we've got our eyes on every addict's screen! [the whiteboards begin to dissolve into the walls, with the words floating around independently]Every button they click, we get feedback on how to shove this shit right down their throats!
Phillip: Why does he suddenly sound like Al Pacino in Devil's Advocate?!
Minister: Hohon, I'm much worse than the Devil. [he transforms into a Canadian devil and floats up towards the ceiling] I'm the Canadian Devil. [laughs]
Terrance: Oh dear God! It's the Canadian Devil!
Phillip: Beelzeboot!
Beelzeboot: You discovered my plan, but too late! [lets out a flaming turd] Now the souls of all Canadians belong to me!
Terrance: Oh no!
Prince: Oh, what have I done?!
Beelzeboot: Heheheh! Hahaha! [lets out a flaming turd]
Scene Description: Stan's room, night. Satan continues his talk with Stan, this time with a small whiteboard
Satan: So basically, the genes you got from your dad make you more likely to have trouble with, um, dopamine regulation, and that's why you need to kind of watch out for addictive stuff.[puts the whiteboard aside] Okay, so we kind of understand now, champ?
Stan: I guess so, but why do companies have to put so many addictive things out there?
Satan: You know, they all do it, and it's kind of my deal, I have to put temptation out there too, so people have free will and all that shit. But ,you know, everyone has their justification and thinks what they're doing is okay.
Voice Notification: *Ding* Ey, buddy, where'd you go? Don't you want more Canadough?
Satan: What's this?
Stan: That's what I've been addicted to. It's a freemium game sending me push notifications. [Satan taps the screen, stands up, and plays the game]
Satan: What, you just collect coins?
Announcer: How much money can you buy today?
Satan: No, see, if something's addictive because it's fun, that's one thing. But this is just blatant Skinner box manipulation. Wait a minute. Who put this out?
Stan: Ah, Canada?
Satan: Oh that son of a bitch! He's always doing this shit! I tell him, "temptation has to be nuanced!" but he goes and does this crap again! I'm gonna need to borrow your soul real quick, kid. Is that alright?
Stan: ...Okay. [Satan proceeds to possess Stan] Aaaaahhh!
Scene Description: The Marsh living room, moments later. Randy and Sharon are on the sofa. Randy wears a beer hat with two cans of gluten-free PBR attached to it, one by each ear
Randy: Oh pass interference! Interference! [points at the TV. Stan walks by]
Sharon: Stan, where are you going? [Randy looks over]
Stan: [with Satan's voice] I shall return. Do not attempt to stop me. [continues out the door]
Randy: Told ya. Kid's got demons. I don't do that. [Sharon looks at him]
Scene Description: The Canadian Department of Mobile Gaming, under a fiery sky.
NC 9 Reporter: Horror and sadness all over Canada tonight. When the Prince signed the agreement to make a freemium game, he apparently made a deal with the Canadian Devil.
Beelzeboot: [flies up to the microphone] Hey, guy, I'm the Canadian Devil. [lets out a flaming turd and flies back into the Department]
NC 9 Reporter: The Canadian Devil now has complete control of the soul of every Canadian. This is a sad day for Canada, and therefore, the world. [Beelzeboot goes to torture Terrance, Phillip, and the Prince, who now hang from chains tied to the ceiling]
Beelzeboot: Heh heheheh, I stab you. [Satan, now in Stan's body, appears outside the meeting room and blows the doors off, then walks in]
Satan: Beelzeboot! Once again you lack any sense of nuance!
Phillip: Who the fuck is that?
Beelzeboot: Well well, my overachieving doppelganger! You're no match for Canadian Satan! [lets out a flaming turd]
Satan: Return from whence you came! [purple balls of energy appear around his hands, and they produce two beams of flame which carry Beelzeboot out into the sky]
Beelzeboot: Ow! Watch it, guy! [the battle continues in the sky]
NC 9 Reporter: Sadly, a shocking turn of events here as the actual Devil has now appeared and seems to be fighting the Canadian Devil! This is certainly a conundrum for Canadians everywhere as we try to figure out who to root for. For that, let's ask the Minister of Sports in Edmonton. [The Canadian Minister of Sports appears on split screen]
Minister of Sports: Well of course, the patriotic thing to do would be to root for the Canadian Devil. But then again, he is the one who has promised us pain and servitude for a million years.
Canadian: Screw that, go Canada!
Satan: Enough, Beelzeboot! Thy end has come. [the balls of energy reappear and this time he aims the flames down at Beelzeboot. He destroys the Department in the meantime. Flaming skulls appear and go back into the pit Satan created]
Scene Description: The neighborhood park, day. Cartman, Kenny, and Kyle play basketball there when the ground next to them opens up and a bunch of red arms lift Stan out, repairing the court just before Stan lands on it.
Kyle: Hey dude.
Stan: Hey.
Kyle: Y-you alright?
Stan: Yeah. Yeah, I think I'm gonna be okay. [turns away and walks off the court]
Cartman: Cool.
Scene Description: Canada. There's a huge celebration, and the Prince steps up tp the podium
Prince: My fellow Canadians, what we do now as a country will hopefully be a model for others. We have all learned a tragic lesson together: that though many sins are out there, when you get involved with freemium gaming, you are making a deal with the Canadian Devil. We will no longer make freemium games, and we will no longer make improvements to our country with money taken from addicts. Canada is back to being an ethical, respected, shitty tundra. [cheers erupt from the crowd]
Scene Description: The Marsh dining room. Grandpa and Stan are playing a board game
Stan: I'm gonna move here and here, and then I'm gonna roll to kill this zombie.
Marvin: Well okay, good idea. [Stan rolls the dice]
Randy: [stops by with an ornate silver cup] What are you gaywads doin'?
Stan: We're playing board games, so that Grandpa avoids the casino and I avoid freemium apps.
Randy: Well all right! Good for you guys. Tell you what, I'll join you. Board games go good with a glass of wine. [takes a seat]
Stan: That's not a glass, that's a trophy, that you won, for drinking.
Randy: It's not drinking. It's called a White Zinfandel Sipping Sprint, and it's competitive. Get off your high fuckin' horse.
Stan: Your turn, Grandpa. If you roll a five or a six, you can kill these zombies. [Marvin takes the dice and rolls them]
Randy: You guys wanna put some money on it? [Stan bangs his head on the table.]


Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Butters walks down the hallway wearing a fake Oculus headset. He stumbles along as if he's actually in virtual reality. He checks out the other kids, the floor, the surroundings...
Butters: WHOOAA! It's all so real! Uh this is amazing! It's like I'm there! [Craig turns to watch] I see all our friends at school. Oh wow! If I hold up my hands, I can see them too. Whooaa... [He and Stan bump into each other and Butters begins to run his hands over him] Wow, you were right. I can actually feel it.
Stan: [holding Butters off] Butters, what the hell are you doing?
Butters: I feel Stan! He looks totally real!
Cartman: [hidden around the corner, in front of the camera] That's awesome, Butters. [snickers away from the walkie-talkie] Keep making your way down the hallway. Your vital signs are looking good. What do you see now? [snickers away from the walkie-talkie]
Butters: More of the school. [Clyde talks to Bebe, who then leaves]
Clyde: What are you doing, Butters?
Butters: The school and all the kids. [Clyde walks away] I still can't hear any sound except for your voice.
Cartman: Yeah, they haven't worked out the audio yet, but I- [mutes the walkie-talkie and whispers] He's so fucking stupid. [un-mutes it] But I'm sure they will soon.
Butters: [beginning to wobble] Ah, okay uh, I think I'm done, Eric. Ah I'm feeling kind of dizzy and uh- [about to take off the fake headset]
Cartman: [watching him from around the corner] Butters, no! Are you crazy?!
Butters: What what what?
Cartman: What did I tell you about removing the headset when you're not back in the access hub??
Butters: [turns so that he's facing away from the camera] Oh yeah, that it would split my neurons and scramble my brains! I forgot!
Cartman: You forgot your neurons would be torn apart?! Did you also forget that if you die in virtual reality you die in real life, Butters?!
Butters: I'm sorry!
Cartman: You need to find your way back to my room. Can you do that??
Butters: Yeah.
Cartman: You only have eight minutes before the battery protocol dies, Butters. You have to hurry!
Butters: [begins to run] Oh Jesus! [Cartman looks on from around the corner]
Scene Description: From school to home. Butters comes out the front doors and runs to the sidewalk. He looks both ways and runs off to his left. Next, Cartman's house is shown the Cartman's room. Butters makes it inside, where Cartman has put up fluorescent posters and accents
Butters: Okay, I'm back in your room!
Cartman: Alright Butters, sit down at the computer. [Butters does this] Now drop the suppornity window! We're just gonna make it!
Butters: [drops a shield over the glasses] Suppornity window dropped. [Cartman enters his room, locks the door and turns on the lights, then walks over to Butters and removes the fake headset. Butters wipes his eyes]
Cartman: Welcome back, dude.
Butters: Wow! That was cool!
Cartman: How do you feel? Do you feel okay?
Butters: I touched Wendy's boob. [smiles]
Scene Description: The cafeteria, lunchtime. Cartman is at table with Kyle, Token, Kenny, Stan, and Jimmy. Cartman is laughing his ass off, but soon gets back to his story
Cartman: And then, and then he, he took off the shop goggles, and he was all like, "Whoa, I'm back." [pounds his left fist on the table] Damn it if it's not the awesomest thing ever!
Stan: Sound pretty typical to me.
Cartman: Come on, guys! This is the cure de gars of Butters' torture!
Kyle: Coup de grah, Cartman
Cartman: Thank you, Kyle.
Stan: Poor Butters. Can't you just leave him alone?
Cartman: Dude, Butters is an asshole, and he deserves to be taken down once in a while, okay?!
Butters: Hey Eric! What'd ya say to the principal for missing first period? [in a knowing voice] Not that we were doing anything interesting. Right Eric? [chuckles]
Cartman: Yeah, I just told her I was running late and that it won't happen again.
Butters: You know what I said? She asked me why I wasn't in school and I said "Well, technically I was in school." Tee hee. Sorry guys, but Eric and I know a little something you don't. Not that it's anything that cool. Right Eric?
Cartman: Right Butters. [softly over his left shoulder] These guys are so dumb, huh?
Butters: Yeah. [runs off with his food tray]
Cartman: See? He's an asshole. Fuck him.
Scene Description: Cartman's room, night. Butters is at the computer while Cartman holds the fake headset in hand
Cartman: Each time you go into the virtual world it becomes more and more dangerous. Are you absolutely sure you want to do this, Butters?
Butters: Well, not a hundred percent...
Cartman: Even 10% is good enough. Here you go. [hands him the headset and Butters puts it on.]
Butters: Okay, subject is ready.
Cartman: [picks up the walkie-talkie] Okay, Butters, I'm booting up the core competency now. [presses a few keys on the keyboard] Edifice framework is online. Vital signs appear to be normal. Interim status?
Butters: Interim status is go.
Cartman: [turns off the room light so the fluorescent lights stand out] Digital malcontent now at parameter alpha. Prepare for full graphic interfaces on my mark: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, [raises the shield]Mark. [quickly hides in the closet as Butters gets accustomed to the headset again]
Butters: It worked! I'm back in. All systems normal.
Cartman: All right, Butters. Behind you you should see the door. Go through it and head outside.
Butters: Going now! [bumps into the door frame, then goes downstairs. A second or two later Cartman comes out of the closet, turns on the light, goes to his computer and sits on his chair]
Cartman: Everything looks good, Butters. You're doing great. Let's get to work.
Butters: Okay.
Scene Description: Stan's room, night. Stan is reading a book when he heats something outside. He sets the book aside and looks out his window. He sees Butters shoveling snow off people's driveways
Butters: How much more of this am I supposed to clear up?
Cartman: You're doing great. Almost done with this level Butters. Just make sure you clear the driveway and uh walkway of all the virtual snow.
Butters: Okay. It's so realistic. [a shot of Stan watching from across the street.] The snow looks kind of fake though. [Stan leaves the window] Alright, I think that's all of it.
Cartman: Okay, nice, Butters. Uhhm, now go to the front door and ring the doorbell. This is the part where you collect the money.
Butters: [rings the doorbell. A middle-aged woman answers the door with a dollar bill in her hand] There's an old fat lady here! She's holding out money for me!
Cartman: Just take the money, Butters! [Butters reaches for the bill and takes it.]
Butters: Okay, I got it!
Cartman: You got the money? [Butters walks down the walkway as the lady closes the front door] Okay great, Butters. Now get back to the access point.
Butters: Already? Oh no!
Cartman: Yeah, Butters, the discrepancy bars are oscillating. You need to uh, come back. [eats some more chips] Are you heading back Butters? [no reply.] Butters? [Butters goes home] Alright, Butters, you should be heading back to the access point now. You're going off grid.
Butters: I'm sorry, Eric, but there's just one thing I gotta do real quick. [goes inside, leaving the front door open]
Stephen: There you are, mister! Just what do you think you're doing?!
Butters: Hello, Dad! It's me, Butters!
Stephen: I know that! What do you-?
Butters: This is for all the times I got grounded! [makes a fist and fires it at Stephen's groin. Stephen doubles over in pain]
Stephen: Ohhh! Oooooo! Ohhh!
Butters: HA! I can almost feel his balls on my fist! [at the other end of the call, Cartman is shocked] Haha! How do you like that, Dad?!
Linda: Butters, why?? Oh my God!
Butters: Huh, that was incredible!
Cartman: [getting worried] Uh, Butters, uhh, get back to the access point now.
Butters: I feel amazing! [giggles] I'm back outside now. I'm a baaaaad man! You hear me?! [starts throwing rocks] Eh take that, you stupid cars! [a hit car screeches to a halt]
Driver: [steps out of the car] What the hell are you doing, kid?!
Cartman: Butters, it's, uhh, time to stop. Get back to my place.
Butters: [knocks the driver out of the car] Who's the man now?! I'm gonna take his car! This is like Grand Theft Auto!
Driver: Hey! [Butters peels away]
Butters: Whoa! I'm in the car now.
Cartman: Oh shit! [runs outside] Butters! Butters, where are you now?
Butters: Hahaha, I'm in the bad part of town! I just hit a lamp post! Ah, ah-I'm back on my feet. Oh, oh that's cool. There's a prostitute out here.
Cartman: Okay Butters, let's call it good, okay?
Butters: I'm gonna beat her up and take her money!
Cartman: Wait, hang on Butters!
Butters: Take that, you dumb hooker!
Hooker: What you doin' motherfucker?!
Butters: I'm taking your money! Ow. Oh she stabbed me. Uh the hooker stabbed me.
Cartman: Butters get back to my room! The veracrosses are destablilzing!
Butters: I can't [wheeze] I can't breathe too good. Eric, I can't see. Are you still there? Oh... I think I overdid it. I have to take this thing off. What the hell? What the hell is that?! AAAH!
Cartman: Butters?? Butters?? [turns the walkie-talkie off]
Scene Description: Hell's Pass Hospital, now bigger, with two new wings and four floors. Moon shadows appear on the facade. Butters is in a room with a doctor and a nurse
Dr. Carroll: You're very lucky, young man. You've got a couple of hairline fractures, but the knife missed your spleen by half an inch.
Butters: I... I d-didn't think a knife could really hurt me. Ah I thought I was just in a virtual reality.
Dr. Carroll: No, you actually got stabbed by a hooker. We've called your parents and they're on their way. Your dad wanted me to let you know that you're grounded more than you can possibly imagine.
Butters: Aw nuts!
Dr. Carroll: Try and relax, and when your parents get here we'll sort this all out. [the doctor and nurse leave. The nurse turns off the light]
Butters: I wonder how long I'm grounded for?
Cartman: Butters. [Butters looks to his right. Dramatic camera pan from Butters to Cartman, who stands on the window sill like Morpheus]
Butters: Ahhh!
Cartman: Are you okay?
Butters: Eric! Uh what are you doing here?
Cartman: I'm not here, Butters.
Butters: What?
Cartman: This is going to be hard to understand, Butters, [climbs down to the floor] but, you've become trapped in a simulation. None of this... [spreads his arms out] is real.
Butters: [looks around skeptically] Nuh uh!
Cartman: Yeahuh huh. I told you never to take the headset off outside the access point, didn't I?! We're actually both in my house right now. You're wearing the headset and I'm talking to you as a computer program. That's why I can... manipulate reality. [pulls off the missing thumb trick.]
Butters: WHAT?? [Cartman puts on a couple of thumb lights and clicks them on and off in alternate order.]
Cartman: You see, in this world, things aren't... what they seam. [pulls out a wand from his sleeve and produces a bouquet of flowers from it]
Butters: [now on edge] Aghah. Okay, stop! Stooop!
Cartman: Listen to me carefully, Butters. The Oculus Compromise has been streamlined. You can't trust anyone in this reality. Say nothing to no one about the Oculus Rift. If you think they know, they will kill you.
Butters: Ah how do you know that?!
Cartman: [pressing a buzzer] How would I know that the nurse is about to walk through that door? [hides under the bed]
Nurse: Everything okay in here?
Butters: Aaaaah! Yes! Y-yes everything's fine!
Nurse: O-kay. [turns around and walks out. Cartman comes out from the window side of the bed]
Cartman: Butters.
Butters: NO!
Cartman: I'm gonna get you back to reality, Butters. But you have to give me time! I've gotta go. The Orion parameters are embellishing. Just stay quiet! [performs another trick in which he gets a coin inside a glass bottle... and succeeds]
Butters: [thoroughly scared, shuts his eyes] AAAAAAHAHAH! [he opens them moments later and Cartman is gone.]
Scene Description: The bus stop, next day. The four boys await the bus. Kyle is angry at Cartman
Kyle: Well? Are you happy, Cartman? Butters is completely traumatized!
Cartman: I'm happy that I totally got away with it. [gets a call] What's a 911 area code? Hello?
Steve: Hello, Eric. My name is Steve from Oculus Customer Service. There seems to be an error with our virtual headsets, and on behalf of the company, I would like to apologize and try to help.
Cartman: With what?
Steve: This is going to be very jarring for you, but, there has been a malfunction with the headset you ordered from us. Right now, you're actually in your room at your computer wearing an Oculus headset, but, you're in a coma-like trance, my friend.
Cartman: [slowly] Fuck you!
Steve: I understand your shock, my friend, but you have simply been in the virtual world so long you have forgotten.
Kyle: You should probably listen to him, dude.
Cartman: Uh huh. 'Cause I thought I was messing with Butters, but I'm actually the one trapped in virtual reality.
Steve: The people you are talking to are just computer programs, my friend.
Cartman: Guys, tell him you're not computer programs.
Kyle: [glances at Stan and Kenny] Maybe we are.
Cartman: [sighs and squeezes his eyes shut for a moment] Kyle, just- don't be a dick right now.
Steve: I know this is very hard for you, but we don't have a lot of time.
Cartman: Do you really think I'm that stupid?! That I believe all of this all along has been me living out some kind of virtual reality fantasy? Fuck you! [Well...]
Scene Description: Cartman's room, day. Liane has prepared a glazed burger for Cartman and takes it to his room. She knocks on his door.
Liane: Eric? Poopsiekins? [hearing no reply, she opens his door and goes in] Eric? [Steve was right. Cartman is at his computer wearing the Oculus headset, in a coma-like trance] Honey, maybe that's enough computer time. It's been about nineteen hours now. [Cartman's left foot twitches] I know you said not to disturb you with your new toy, but Mommy thought maybe you needed to eat? [this time Cartman moves his whole body] All right, I'll just leave it here, hon. [sets the burger next to the computer] I'm turning in for the night. Mommy loves you.[exits and closes the door]
Scene Description: Butters' house, next day.
Stephen: What kind of person did we raise you to be?! You think this world is just there for your amusement?! You are not to leave this room, and you are not allowed to use the phone or the computer!
Butters: Please! You can't do that! I have to find a way out of this!
Stephen: Oh no, mister. You are GROUNDED! [Butters recoils and Stephen slams the door shut. Butters turns around and goes to sit on the floor beside his bed. The door opens and Cartman enters]
Cartman: Are you fucking with me?!
Butters: ...What? What do you mean?
Cartman: Butters, I'm seriously! Are you fucking with me?!
Butters: I don't know what you mean.
Cartman: Because if you are, it's not cool!
Butters: Eric, you said you were going to get me out of this virtual world!
Cartman: Butters, I talked to Oculus Customer Service, and they said I'm the one who's wearing a headset and has forgotten he's in virtual reality!
Butters: Oh really? Oh, that's a relief.
Cartman: Oh it's a relief, huh?! Well guess what, Butters! If I'm the one trapped in virtual reality, that means you're nothing but a computer program!
Butters: Oh gosh!
Cartman: That's right!
Butters: OH GOSH!
Cartman: THAT'S RIGHT! And you'd better stop messin' around, Butters, so I can help you out of this! Because you know how I said if you die in virtual reality you die in real life?
Butters: Yeah.
Cartman: Well if you get grounded in virtual reality, you get grounded in real life too... FOREVER! [Butters is alarmed]
Scene Description: The neighborhood park, day. Stan and Kyle are playing tether-ball near the restrooms. Kyle's phone rings
Kyle: [answers] Hello?
Butters: Kyle, it's Butters. I've been grounded!
Kyle: Again?
Butters: No no, you don't understand. This time I've been grounded for no good reason! I didn't do anything, Kyle!
Kyle: Uh huh.
Butters: I think there's somethin' supernatural goin' on. I asked my dad why I was being grounded, and he said that for asking him, that I was more grounded! It doesn't make sense!
Kyle: Butters, Butters, I'm, I'm kind of super busy right now.
Butters: PLEASE! Just go to Cartman's house. I think the answer might be within the-
Stephen: Butters?! Who is that?!
Butters: Ahhh! Wuhhhh! Ahhh- [Kyle looks concerned and hangs up]
Kenny: [runs up to Stan and Kyle, panicked] (You guys! You guys, oh shit, come check this out!)
Scene Description: Cartman's room. Kenny leads Stan and Kyle inside over to Cartman, who is still passed out wearing the Oculus headset
Kenny: (You see? Look at all this dried up food. He must have been here for days!)
Kyle: You found Cartman like this and you think he's somehow trapped in virtual reality?
Kenny: (Yeah!)
Kyle: [slowly] Fuck you!
Kenny: [taken aback] (What??)
Kyle: Get up, Cartman!
Kenny: [angry] (This isn't a prank, Kyle!)
Kyle: Okay, then let's take him to the hospital. You hear that, fatso?! [shakes Cartman's chair] You're goin' to the hospital!
Stan: Kyle, maybe this is for real.
Kyle: [looks back at Stan, then turns around to face him] Fuck you if you're in on this.
Stan: In on what? [thinks a moment...] Ohh, [slowly] Fuck you!
Scene Description: The customer service center in India
Steve: Yes, no, sorry, but because you bought two business-class tickets I can NOT refund the fares. [listens to the response] That's right, there is nothing we can do. All right. Have I answered all your customer concerns in a timely, polite manner? Thank you for calling Korean Airlines Customer Service. [clicks to the next caller] El Pollo Loco Customer Service, this is Steve.
Kyle: Oh. Ah, we're trying to reach Oculus Customer Service.
Steve: Oh, yes, ah, yes my friend. [clicks again] Oculus Customer Service, this is Steve.
Kyle: Yeah, our friend has been missing for a few days, so we went and checked on him, and he's in a coma wearing your headset.
Steve: Ohh yehhs, yes. What is your name please?
Kyle: Kyle.
Steve: Kyle. I need to advise you that this call may be recorded to help with better customer service in the future. Is that agreeable to you?
Kyle: I don't care!
Steve: He doesn't care! I can continue! All right, listen very carefully my friend. The headsets we sold you are having some minor problems.
Kyle: You mean he's actually stuck in virtual reality?!
Steve: Yes. And that is why we are trying to locate all the headsets and do a recall. Do you understand? It is a Total Recall.
Kyle: [rolls his eyes, then slowly] Fuck you!
Stan: "Fuck you" what?
Kyle: He said they're doing a Total Recall.
Stan: Oh fuck you!
Steve: All right, did I take care of all your customer needs in a timely and satisfactory fashion today?
Kyle: You haven't done anything yet!
Steve: But the customer service - was that reliable? And did I accurately and politely respond to your concerns?
Kyle: We need help! Our friend is in a coma!
Steve: Uhhh let's see, ah, it looks like... one of you is going to have to put on the Oculus headset and go into the virtual world and convince your friend to get to an access point. Could you try that, my friend? [Kyle looks at his phone, then at the user's manual]
Scene Description: South Park, morning. A signal interrupts the scenery twice, but is quickly gone
Scene Description: Cartman's house, living room. Cartman is pacing the living room trying to calm himself
Cartman: It's okay. Everything is cool. Don't let anyone mess with your head, and it's all going to be fine. You're cool, Eric. You're cool. [the doorbell rings and he answers. It's Kyle.]
Kyle: Hey, Cartman, I need to talk to you.
Cartman: I know. Let's go to the backyard. [turns and walks to the backyard. Kyle is quite surprised by Cartman's reaction. Moments later they takes seats at the picnic table out back. A butterfly floats by]
Kyle: Cartman, I'm going to tell you something, and I need you to believe me, even if it seems impossible.
Cartman: Okay Kyle.
Kyle: Alright, here it goes. Cartman, you aren't really here.
Cartman: Mmm. And why do you know that, Kyle?
Kyle: Because I saw you. Okay? In your room, passed out, with a VR headset on. Customer Service said that one of us needed to put on the headset and come get you, and that's why I'm here.
Cartman: [laces his fingers together, with his index fingers making a steeple in front of his lips] Mmmhmm.
Kyle: I know it's hard to believe, but you have to trust me.
Cartman: And why did the guys send you, Kyle?
Kyle: Www-what do you mean?
Cartman: Kyle, I want you to brace yourself. This is going to be extremely hard to believe, but you are the one that has been in a coma with a VR headset on.
Kyle: Fuck you!
Cartman: I know it's hard to grasp, Kyle, but I was the one sent by customer service to try and convince you that none of what you've seen is real. You bought the Oculus Rift headset, Kyle.
Kyle: Don't... do that!
Cartman: Calm down.
Kyle: NO! I put your headset on, and came here to-
Cartman: In virtual reality, yes you did.
Kyle: No. Then I came into this virtual space.
Cartman: You've been in a virtual space all along, Kyle! Think about it: we're arch-rivals! Why would the guys send you in to convince me of anything?!
Kyle: Fuck you! Why would they send you in to convince me of anything?!
Cartman: [defeated] Fuck!
Scene Description: Best Buy, day. A Best Buy rep answers a phone
Best Buy Rep: Thanks for callin' Best Buy. How can I direct your call?
Kyle: Yes. My name is Kyle Broflovski. Can you tell me if I purchased an Oculus Rift headset there?
Cartman: Or if I did?
Kyle: Or if you sold one to an "Eric Cartman"?
Best Buy Rep: Sir, I'm gonna have to connect you to Customer Service. Hang on a sec. [transfers the call and hangs up. The call now reaches ... Steve!]
Steve: Best Buy Customer Service, this is Steve.
Kyle: [stunned at the familiar voice] Dude... What?
Cartman: What? [takes the phone from Kyle] Hello?
Steve: Yes, hello. This call may be recorded to ensure good customer service in the future.
Cartman: Dude. NOW this is getting weird!
Scene Description: The Stotch house, night. Stephen and Linda sit down for dinner
Stephen: [loudly] Well, this looks like a lovely meal. Too bad Butters won't be enjoying it. You hear that, mister?! No dinner for you! While you're grounded you can just GO TO BED HUNGRY! Linda, do you remember why Butters is grounded? What, what did he do?
Linda: Oh. I don't know, Stephen, I let you handle all the groundings.
Stephen: It's strange. I don't recall him really doing anything particularly bad, and yet... and yet he is grounded. [hears something upstairs] And no bouncing the racquetball either!
Scene Description: Cartman's room. Stan and Kenny are the only two in the room, and Kenny's wearing the Oculus Rift. Stan is talking to Customer Service
Stan: No, listen, I called Customer Service because I need help! [the door opens and Cartman and Kyle walk in]
Kyle: Wait. Stan? [walks up to Stan] Hold on, is this my virtual reality, or Cartman's virtual reality?
Stan: It's neither. I know this might be hard for you to grasp right now, but this is all actually real.
Kyle: Nono, after we found Cartman, I put the headset on and then-
Stan: No dude, dude. We've all been here the entire time.
Kyle: Holy shit. Then this is all real. We've all been here from the beginning. Taking turns on the Oculus Rift headset.
Cartman: [still lost] No, you guys. This is virtual reality.
Stan: How do you know?
Cartman: Because... I'm a computer program.
Kyle: God damn it Cartman!
Cartman: I'm telling you guys, I swear, you have to believe me, I am a computer program. I'm not real.
Kyle: He's lying.
Cartman: I'm not lying. Go ahead and ask Customer Service.
Stan: What was the name of the first person who called you for customer service?
Steve: Ohhh yes yes yes! That I can answer! His name was... But-ters!
Stan: Butters called Customer Service first?
Steve: Have I answered all your questions in a satisfying and courteous manner?
Stan: Come on, we're going to Butters' house! [they leave Kenny behind]
Steve: Hello? My friend? My friend, I believe we are having some technical issues with our phone line. Please hang on, I'm going to call Customer Service.
Scene Description: Steve talks to himself
Steve: Hello, Customer Service, this is Steve.
Steve: Hello, this is Steve with Customer Service.
Steve: Uhhh, nononono my friend. I am Steve with Customer Service.
Steve: Listen, my friend. This is gong to be very hard to comprehend, but none of what you are seeing is real.
Steve: ...Ohhh, nohhh, nonononononono.
Steve: My friend, my friend, a customer who is in virtual reality called Customer Service, and it has created a customer feedback loop. Okay? Here in India we call it a customer feedback vindaloop.
Steve: [slowly, wagging his left index finger] Ohhh, fuck you!
Steve: Nononononono, do not fuck me, because I am you and then we will just be fucking ourselves. Now, have I provided answers to your questions in a courteous and prompt fashion?
Steve: What do you mean have you answered all my questions?! NO! You have not answered ANY questions at ALL!
Steve: Nonononono no, listen, listen: if I didn't answer your questions, then we have given bad customer service!
Steve: But you didn't answer any of my questions!
Steve: Well what is more important, my friend? The result, or good customer service?
Scene Description: Butters' room, day. He sits on the floor by his bed playing a child's xylophone. The curtains are drawn, but leave a small gap through which the sun shines in
Butters: [singing a spiritual] I'm troubled, I'm troubled in mind. If Jesus don't help me I surely will die. [his door opens and Stan, Kyle, and Cartman come in]
Stan: Butters.
Butters: [startled] Huh. But... [stands up] you guys can't be here.
Kyle: Why not?
Butters: Because I'm grounded. That means no visitors.
Kyle: Butters! When did you call Oculus Rift Customer Service?!
Butters: When we were playing with the Oculus headset. Wuh don't you guys remember? [goes to the bedroom door] We were all messin' around with it. I played with it first, and, and went a little nuts. Uh I forgot I was in virtual reality and I got grounded, and now I'm grounded in real life.
Stan: So now we are in the real world.
Butters: YES.
Cartman: You guys! [the boys look at him] I have accepted the reality that I am just a computer program. The fact is that one of us right now is in a room wearing a VR helmet seeing all this, and it's not me!
Stephen: [appears behind him] Butters!
Butters: [really startled] AAaaghagh!
Stephen: What are your friends doing here?!
Butters: Huh I'm sorry Dad!
Steve: Hello, hello my friend, are you still there?
Stan: Yes, we're here.
Steve: Listen carefully, my friend. You are stuck in a paradox. It turns out there are three things you cannot do in virtual reality. You cannot die, you cannot get grounded, and you cannot call Customer Service. This is why you are having problems.
Stephen: You just don't get it, do you?! What is wrong with you?!
Stan: [as Stephen chews Butters out, puts some distance between them and himself] Well then how much of what just happened was in virtual reality?
Steve: That does not matter! There is only one thing that matters!
Stan: What?! [Stephen unbuckles his belt, Butters holds a hand up]
Steve: Have I answered your questions satisfactorily and offered GOOD CUSTOMER SERVICE?!
Stan: That doesn't make sense! [Stephen takes his belt off. Butters closes his eyes, knowing what's coming]
Steve: That's the paradox! Please my friend, please! I am not real! You are not real! Have I answered your questions and provided good customer service?! This call may be recorded! [the boys look at Stephen and Butters as Stephen prepares his belt for a whipping]
Stephen: Well, you're getting it now!
Stan: Yes! Yes, you have answered all my questions and I am pleased with the customer service I have been provided!! [Stephen disappears, then Butters, then Kyle, then Cartman] You guys? Are you there?
Kyle: [from a walkie-talkie] We're right here dude. Do you remember now?
Stan: Yeah I remember. I'm heading back to the access point. [leaves Butters' room. Stephen and Linda never really left the dining room table/ Stephen senses a change in mood]
Stephen: Oh my gosh! Linda!
Linda: What is it, Stephen?
Stephen: It's Butters. He's not grounded anymore.
Linda: He's not?
Stephen: No. I've I've got to tell him! [leaves his chair and runs up to Butters' room] Butter? Butters! [Butters is on his bed, with the curtains open, asleep]
Butters: [wakes up] Ahhh, huh?
Stephen: You can go outside and play, son.
Butters: You... you, you mean ih... [sits up] I'm not grounded?
Stephen: No. I don't know why or how, but... it's over.
Butters: They did it! [hops off his bed] They figured it out! [heads out the door] Whoopie!
Scene Description: Cartman's house, later. Stan walks up to the house
Stan: Alright, I'm nearing Checkpoint Alpha. You guys still there?
Kyle: We're here, dude. Just a little further and we can finally end this.
Stan: [goes upstairs and enters Cartman's room] Okay, I'm back in Cartman's room.
Cartman: Alright, Stan, just sit down at the computer. [Stan does this]
Kyle: Alright, dude, take off the headset. [Stan reaches up and removes the headset. At this point the animation switches to live-action. Stan finishes taking off the headset as Cartman, Kyle, and Kenny watch]
Kyle: Sssoo aside from all the bull crap, what do ya think of the Oculus?
Stan: [thoughtfully looking at the headset] It's pretty cool, but the graphics suck.
Scene Description: Credits start rolling but after few credits roll there is shot back at Stan's room
Butters: [hops in like a bunny] Fellas, I'm not grounded anymore.


Scene Description: South Park Elementary hallway, day. The students are going about their business when several girls arrive with fliers in hand.
Girl 1: [handing out fliers] Hey guys. [Clyde takes one] Thanks. Support your team? Thank you. Hey guys. Did you get one of these? [walks up to Cartman and Craig] Hope you can make it.
Cartman: [takes a flier] What's this?
Girl 1: The girls' volleyball team has a big game tonight and we're just asking for people to come cheer us on.
Cartman: [looks at Craig.] Girls volleyball? [they both laugh at the thought] Uhhh, sorry, we're actually busy.
Girl 2: What's wrong with supporting girls' athletics?!
Cartman: Dude, girls should totally be allowed to play sports, you just can't expect people to want to watch. Okay? [hands the flier back to girl 1] All right.
Girl 3: [walks up to Stan, Kyle, and Kenny] You know, we're actually in the playoffs, and all we keep hearing is "We're too busy."
Kyle: But we actually are busy. Tonight's the big fight.
Girl 3: What fight?
Stan: Dude, Kenny is fighting Slaughterhouse tonight. I mean, no offense, but, we're not gonna miss the fight for... girls' volleyball. [he, Kenny, and Kyle laugh]
Cartman: Yeah so, sorry you're not getting any spectators, but there's hardcore dude shit to watch.
Scene Description: A shop in South Park. A board on the sidewalk says "Magic the Gathering Tournament Today." Inside, Kenny and a heavy-set player, Slaughterhouse, are sat at a table already playing against each other, The player shuffles his cards around looking for the best ones to play
Slaughterhouse: Alright, I'm going to play a fifth mana card... and then I'm going to attack with my Elderbeast- hold on. Wait. Hold on.
Kyle: Can Kenny block his Elderbeast?
Stan: Not with his Shapeshifter. It already attacked.
Cartman: This asshole needs to make a move already!
Referee: Quiet in the peanut gallery, please.
Slaughterhouse: I am attacking, but with a newly summoned Spark Ghast who has Trample. Four damage to your planeswalker.
Boys: Ohhhh!
Butters: Oh no! Kenny!
Stan: Shhh!
Butters: But he's dying! [Kenny lays down a card]
Stan: What's that?
Cartman: He's playing an enchantment.
Stan: This late?
Kyle: He just stacked his Shapeshifter with an Elven Blade!
Slaughterhouse: I can block that with Uprooted Minotaur. [Kenny lays down his next card]
Boys: Ohhhh!
Referee: Serendib Sorcerer unblocked. Winner: McCormick!
Boys: Yeeahhh!
Slaughterhouse: Nnoohhh!
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Cartman recounts the previous day's events to the kids in the hallway. In the distance, a new janitor listens in while mopping the floor
Cartman: Dude, it was complete brutality!
Kyle: You've never seen anything so ruthless!
Stan: It was seriously almost hard to watch. [Wendy appears in the distance and walks over to the boys]
Cartman: At one point, Kenny actually polymorphed the dude into a blue frog with an instant attack card. It was carnage, bro!
Stan: [sees Wendy] Wendy, did you hear about last night?
Wendy: Yeah, I heard the girls' volleyball team won by like 20 points.
Stan: Not that. Did you actually go to that?
Wendy: Yeah. You should show your support too sometime.
Stan: Pfft, whatever.
Cartman: Dude, I don't think people are appreciating this! [the janitor finally looks at the group] It was such pwnage it was almost repulsive!
Janitor: Hey! Pssst! [the boys see him] Come over here. [the boys walk over to him while the other kids disperse] You guys like hard-core stuff, huh?
Cartman: Yeah we like hardcore stuff, we're fuckin' dudes, bro.
Janitor: Yeah well, you boys wanna get in on some real action? If you like excitement. I'm not talkin' about the little boys stuff. I'm talkin' about real man shit.
Stan: We're men.
Janitor: Well then, if you wanna see REAL fights with REAL brutality, go here. [hands them a sheet of paper with an address on it, and Kyle steps forward to take it] This is the underground stuff, so keep it quiet. [turns right and leaves] And you might wanna pack a barf bag.
Cartman: [steps forward and watches him leave] Kewwwl!
Scene Description: South Park After Dark. The boys walk to a familiar place.
Kyle: Should be the next one. 2778 Mala Vista Drive. Wait, this is City Wok.
Cartman: What's hardcore and exciting about Shitty shrimp? [they approach the doors]
Kyle: It doesn't even look like they're open. [tugs and knocks at the doors]
Mr. Tuong: [unlocks the doors and answers them] We crosed! We crosed for the night! Go away prease! [waves them away]
Stan: Uhhh, Mitchell the Janitor sent us?
Mr. Lu Kim: You purice?
Kenny: (What?)
Cartman: Dude, do we look like police?
Mr. Lu Kim: Okay, come on, come on, five dorrah, five dorrah each! Come on, five dorrah!
Cartman: Five dorrah?! [Mr. Lu Kim hushes them quickly and leads them to the back room, which leads to the basement. Lu Kim opens the basement door]
Mr. Lu Kim: You go down! Go down, find seat! We in sixth fight! Gogogogogogogo! [the kids go in, then Mr. Tuong, who closes the door behind him.]
Scene Description: City Wok basement. Lots of activity going on down there. Two roosters are set to fight each other with cards. The boys make it to ringside. An announcer calls the play-by-play
Announcer: Scrambles plays a Black Swamp mana card. Fluffy counters with a mana card of his own. And he plays a Fugitive Wizard!
Crowd: Ooooooo.
Announcer: More mana from Scrambles! And yes, that is Crippling Blight! Crippling Blight to the Fugitive Wizard! Creature now has -1 to strength and defense! More Mana from Fluffy. Now he'll attack with Fugitive Wizard, and there's an instant attack from Scrambles! That is Peel from Reality! Fugitive Wizard is literally torn apart from the battleground!
The boys: Whoa!
Announcer: The mana is flying now as both roosters play sorcery spells! It's Mass Calcify against Into the Void!
Scene Description: M Burger, next day. The boys are eating
Cartman: Dude, that was total carnage!
Stan: That was freakin' hardcore.
Cartman: Can you believe that rooster played a Kalonian Twingrove with half his mana tapped?
Stan: It was just decimation.
Kyle: It was really about the most man thing I think we've ever been a part of.
Cartman: We're going again on Friday, right?
Stan: Hell yeah! [Kenny lowers his head, and Cartman notices]
Cartman: What's the matter Kenny?
Kenny: (I don't know. It just seems kind of... mean)
Stan: What's mean about it?
Kenny: [mumbles]
Cartman: You feel bad for the roosters?
Kenny: (Yeah, I feel bad for the roosters.)
Stan: Look, who's to say the roosters don't wanna play? I mean, they were goin' at it pretty hard.
Kyle: Yeah, maybe that just kind of what they do naturally.
Cartman: Guys, I think maybe Kenny's a little hurt because he was the big Magic champion, and now chickens are stealing his thunder.
Kenny: (No.)
Cartman: Huh? A little bit?
Kenny: (NO.)
Stan: Dude, you know what we should do? We should all go in on a rooster.
Kyle: Dude, totally. With Kenny's Magic skills, we could probably kick serious ass!
Cartman: What do you think Kenny? Would that make you feel better? Huh? Come on, where's that smile? Where's that smile, Kenny? I think he's smiling you guys. [Kenny just looks at his meal]
Scene Description: The McCormick house, day. Two officers stand at the landing as one of them knocks
Det. Harris: Hello, Mr. McCormick. Surprised to see us?
Stuart: What do you mean?
Det. Harris: Let's cut the crap, huh? We know there's an illegal cock Magic ring going on in town, we just wanna know who's leading it.
Stuart: What's cock Magic?
Det. Harris: Right. Roosters are being forced against their will to play "Magic: the Gathering," and you know nothing about it because you're 'white'. Let's git something straight: cock Magic isn't an Asian thing or a Mexican thing. White people do it too, if they're poor enough. You got a junked car in your front yard, Mr. McCormick. Care to tell us where the cock Magic fights are being held?
Stuart: I don't go to any cock Magic fights!
Det. Harris: Do you have any sympathy at all for the animals, Mr. McCormick? Can you imagine being kept in a small cage, barely able to turn around, and then finally let out only to be blasted by Arctic ice spells and legendary creature cards? It's illegal, and it's wrong, and anyone I find involved with this filth is goin' down!
Scene Description: The Marsh house, day. The boys are on the sofa and Randy is lecturing them on Magic: the Gathering. Or on cock Magic.
Randy: Now I don't wanna lecture anybody, but what you boys are getting involved in is dangerous!
Stan: Dad, it's not that big a deal.
Randy: It is a big deal, okay?! People can get hurt! Believe it or not I was into Cock Magic back in college.
Kyle: You were?
Randy: Yes, so I'm not some fuddy-duddy who doesn't get it! I just wanna make sure if you boys do it, you do it right, and safely. [whips out a handkerchief, and drums begin to play. Randy places the hankey over his pants and begins a demonstration of cock magic, as he knew it]
Scene Description: Randy's cock magic. It moves left, then right quickly. Then it pops up from behind the hankey, then pops under
Stan: Dad, that's not, that's not cock Magic.
Randy: Oh? Not impressed? How about this? [makes his penis pop out right, left, down... up, left. Stan hides his face in his hand while his friends are speechless]
Scene Description: A run-down house, much like Kenny's, day. The boys approach it and ring the buzzer. This place has an intercom
Voice: What is it?!
Cartman: Hello? We're looking to buy a rooster that can play "Magic: The Gathering"?
Voice: Never heard of cock Magic, or roosters.
Kyle: Uhhh, we aren't cops or anything.
Breeder: [The voice, opens up and lets them in] Come on to the back, don't mind the smell. [he takes the boys to his barn and shows them around] We only deal in the highest quality poultry Planeswalkers. Are you looking for a New Hampshire or a Cornish breed?
Kyle: We don't... really know the difference.
Breeder: Well, your New Hampshire broiler chickens are the best for white mana. These here have been raised to play mostly protection spells and do well with sorcery cards. And here you got your green mana necromancers. Lots of earthy growth and hindering incantations that are good against blue- or black-stacked decks.
Stan: Do you think they're happy?
Breeder: Do I think they're happy?
Stan: Yeah, like, do you think they mind being made to play "Magic: The Gathering"?
Breeder: [thinks a moment] They're fuckin' chickens.
Cartman: Well, our friend here has some animal-rights concerns. Do you have any free-range chickens?
Breeder: Free-range chickens are primarily control deck players that slow the game down with board control cards.
Cartman: Aw, screw the free-range chickens, huh, Kenny?
Stan: [off-screen] Hey, how about this little guy?
Breeder: That one's kind of young. I don't even know what kinda cards he prefers.
Kyle: Then he's perfect for us.
Cartman: What should we name him, Kenny? I know. How about "McNuggets"?
Kyle: Hey McNuggets. You wanna come play for us?
Cartman: [mimicking a rooster] "Yes I do, you guys." [normally] Oh wow, did you hear him, Kenny?
Scene Description: The Marsh house, day. Sharon is in the master bedroom folding clothes when Shelly appears
Shelly: Mom, will you tell Dad to get out of the bathroom?! He's been in there for an hour!
Scene Description: The Marsh bathroom, moments later. A drummer is heard inside
Sharon: Randy?
Randy: [lounge voice] Hey! Oh! Oh thank you!
Sharon: [Sharon pounds on the door] Randy, what are you doing?!
Randy: Oh! Nothing, Sharon. Just going to the bathroom, if you don't mind. [back to the lounge voice] Hey!
Sharon: Randy, why are there drums playing? [the drums stop and Randy opens the door]
Randy: All right, Sharon. I'm practicing. Cock magic is making a comeback.
Sharon: Ohhh, no no nononononono no.
Randy: Oh yehhs yesyseyseyesyseyse Sharon, I don't know why or how, but people all over town are talking about it again. Now you know that I was one of the best back in college.
Sharon: I know that's why you got kicked out of college.
Randy: Because people didn't understand! People were afraid, Sharon! But now culture has caught up. And even our son is discovering what cock magic has to offer.
Sharon: Stanley??
Randy: People are going to do it, Sharon. And it's up to the professionals to make sure it's handled the right way. Hoh! [a hankey drapes his erect penis] Oh my gosh! [pulls the hankey off and the penis is back in his pants. He smiles, she walks away, his smile fades, and he goes back into the bathroom and shuts the door]
Scene Description: City Wok, Friday night. Tonight, it's McNuggets against a different rooster.
Announcer: Reuben casts Silklash Spider. Silklash Spider can block as if it had Flying! And now he casts Geistflame, dealing one damage to McNuggets.
Cartman: [through gritted teeth] Come on, McNuggets! Fight!
Kyle: You can do it, McNuggets! [the crowd argues around them]
Announcer: Quiet, please.
Someone: I think I'll bet on the next one.
Announcer: Waaiitt! [the crowd gets quiet] McNuggets has cast Punishing Fire, absorbing the Geistflame and dealing two damage to the opponent! Game, set and match, McNuggets!
Crowd: Whoa!
Stan: Yeah!
Cartman: All right, McNuggets!
Kyle: All right, McNuggets! [after the fights the boys leave City Wok] Did we pick the right rooster or what?!
Cartman: [carrying McNuggets in a small cage] That was goddamned manly! I mean, no offense to Kenny, but that shit made regular "Magic: The Gathering" look like girls' volleyball.
Promoter: [comes out behind the boys with two bodyguards] Excuse me. That was pretty impressive down there. You boys have a nice cock.
Cartman: Thank you so very much.
Promoter: I've never seen a rooster throw down spells with such raw brutality. How would you like to move him up to the big time?
Kyle: You mean there's more to this?
Promoter: Oh, yes. And I'm not talking about the basement of some seedy Chinese restaurant, I'm talking about the basement of a well-established Chinese franchise. Saturday night, here's the address. [again Kyle takes the slip of paper] Let's see what kind of money your cock can really make.
Stan: Gee, thanks!
Cartman: You hear that, McNuggets? You're goin' to the big leagues!
Scene Description: A girl's sixth birthday party, back yard. Lots of kids running around and making noise. A bounce house is off to one corner
Woman: Okay kids, it's time for our birthday show. Everyone, let's be quiet now. Come on.
Kindergarten boy: Yay, a show, a show!
Woman: Do you kids like magic?
Kindergartners: Yeah, yay!
Woman: Okay, well let's all give a cheer for the Amazingly Randy! [leaves as Randy enters, and the kids cheer]
Randy: Hey kids, are we having fun? [places his hat over his groin, then reaches for it on his head] Oh where'd my hat go?! Anyone see my hat? [no reaction from the kids. Inside, the parents are preparing the cake]
Woman: [mixing some lemonade] Okay, the magician has started. Let's get the cake ready.
Randy: [with his penis in a box and a saw in his left hand] Now, some of you might think that this is a little crazy, but if you believe in magic... [begins to saw through the box] you'll find that- [the saw hits something that produces gushes of blood. All the kids are hit and they panic] Ow! Ow! Oh God! Can somebody help, please!
Man: [chuckles] They're getting a kick out the magician, huh?
Randy: Won't somebody help me out?! Get someone- You, little girl! Can you please just, just check behind your ear?! [the girl reaches behind her ear and pulls out a detached penis. She screams and Randy takes it from her.] Oh, it was behind her ear. [goes back to the stage and pops it right back where it should be, hidden so the kids don't see what he's actually doing] And there we go and we're all better and I am the Amazingly Randy! Thank you! [kids are still screaming]
Kindergarten boy: I hate you!
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Stan recounts the events of the night before
Stan: Dude, it was so badass! Our guy slaughtered every other fighter there. And now he's moving up to the real hardcore shit.
Kyle: It was seriously about the greatest night of our lives.
Craig: Where was all this?
Cartman: We can't tell you, bro. It's like, hardcore underground shit.
Kyle: Yeah, you gotta know people.
Butters: Dangit, I wish I knew people.
Mr. Garrison: All right kids, before we get started, the coach of the girls' volleyball team is here and would like to say a few words. [goes to his desk as she enters]
Coach: Thank you, Mr. Garrison. Listen uh, last night we had a pretty big game against Evergreen. The girls really hammered 'em, but once again we're a... little disappointed in the turnout.
Cartman: Oh Jesus, give it a rest already.
Butters: [chuckling] Yeah.
Coach: You know, when you put your all into something, it's kind of a bummer when people don't seem to care. [focus on Kenny, who looks down] Kind of makes you feel like the sport you love is becoming a joke.
Stan: Dude, girls' volleyball isn't a joke. Jokes are hard and require skill.
Cartman: OOHHH!! [laughs with the other boys]
Jimmy: Fantastic girls' volleyball joke, Stan.
Coach: The girls wanted to say something, so we're now going to hear a few words from the captain of the girls' volleyball team.
Wendy: [gets up and goes to the front of the class. Stan is immediately stunned] Hey guys, these games coming up are really big and it would mean a lot to us if you could try and make it. Thanks. [goes back to her seat]
Cartman: [aside, to Stan] Dude, Wendy plays volleyball. Did you know that? I don't think you knew that.
Scene Description: The girl's birthday party. SPPD show up. The father explains to Det. Harris what happened. Other office inspect the backyard for evidence
Man: And then he uh, took his penis from behind our daughter's ear and uh, we uh, uh that's when we saw him with uh, the n-the three rings. and uh, his penis, he was pulling it through 'em somehow, uh.
Det. Harris: Uh huh. And what about the cock Magic? Where was that? [the man and wife look at each other]
Man: Well that's what I'm telling you. It was right here exce-except for the thing where he poured the milk into his penis; he did that over there.
Det. Harris: Alright alright, let's focus. What kind of decks were they using?
Woman: Decks??
Man: Who? There weren't any "decks."
Det. Harris: Oh, I get it now. Do you know what the penalty is for calling in a false cock Magic report?
Woman: [in tears] I'm so confused, babe.
Det. Harris: Who paid you to call us and take our focus away from the investigation?! What color were they?!
Man: Nobody paid us anything! Now, there has been a crime here and you'd better do something about it!
Det. Harris: Agreed! Who first called 911? [moments later the woman is being taken to a squad car as the man and their daughter look on]
Woman: Please! Don't take me away from my child!
Girl: [crying] Mommy!
Scene Description: South Park, Saturday night. Kyle, Cartman and Kenny reach the site of the next cock Magic fight. Stan is not present
Kyle: This is it. 1421 Plaza de Estereotipo.
Cartman: Wow. Here we are, McNuggets. You're reached the big time. [they stand before Panda Express. Again, Kyle knocks on the doors and tugs at them.]
Manager: [opens the door] Sorry, Panda Express is crosed. We crosed!
Cartman: Yeah yeah yeah yeah, we're here for the cock Magic.
Manager: Oh okay, come on, ten dorrah, ten dorrah.
Cartman: Ten dorrah?! [the boys hand over $10 each]
Scene Description: Panda Express basement, moments later
Announcer 2: For the next round, it is Gadnuk, Breaker of Worlds, versus Clucky.
Cartman: Who is that??
Spectator 1: That's Gadnuk, Breaker of Worlds. [Gadnuk is wearing a gold medallion] He's never lost a fight. Hell, he's never even lost one health!
Scene Description: South Park Elementary gym, night. The girls are playing a visiting group, and Stan is there to watch the game. Wendy, #4 serves. #36 on the other side hits it up, with #11 hitting it back over the net. #1 on Wendy's side hits it up, then #36 hits it, then #8 hits it over the net
Stan: [following the cock Magic fight over the phone] What do you mean? Is he a red mage or a green mage?
Cartman: Dude, he's like a beast! He's got more legendary creature cards than I've ever seen!
Kyle: McNuggets is scared. He doesn't wanna play.
Cartman: McNuggets is scared, dude!
Stan: Can you stack his deck with more mana?! Can you stack McNuggets' deck with more mana?!
Scene Description: Wendy serves, and #58 on the other side hits it up, then #8 hits it, then #22 hits it back over the net
Spectator 2: [returns to the crowd with a dead bird] He didn't stand a chance. Not one spell cast before he was obliterated by health drains! That thing isn't human! [walks away with his rooster. Gadnuk throws down a card. The promoter walks up]
Promoter: Alright, your rooster's up next, boys.
Kyle: Aw I don't think he wants to play, dude.
Promoter: He doesn't have a choice.
Cartman: This isn't even a fight. This is just... a slaughter.
Promoter: What do you think all these people are here to see?
Cartman: Holy shit dude! Dude, we forfeit! We forfeit!
Promoter: The hell you do! Get your cock in there! [Kenny sighs and goes in instead]
Scene Description: ESPN Illegal is shown on a monitor
ESPN announcer: You're watching ESPN Illegal, your source for bullfighting, dogfighting, and cock Magic.
ESPN host: And a warm welcome back to the Cock Magic Championships. Certainly an electric atmosphere here in the basement of Panda Express. The fight we were expecting, of course, Gadnuk, Breaker of Worlds versus ten-month-old Cornish rooster McNuggets. In a complete shocker, the challenger McNuggets has been scratched and substituting for him is nine-year-old Kenny McCormick. Never a dull moment in the illegal sport of cock Magic. Let's rejoin the battle now as we wait for Gadnuk's sixth move. [Gadnuk ponders what to do while Kenny slowly taps his fingers on the table, waiting] Gadnuk, Breaker of Worlds plays a creature card. [his assistant places it on the table]
Cartman: Jesus, Paragon of Fierce Defiance. Now every red creature Gadnuk plays will have a +1 attack.
Crowd: Whooaa.
Kyle: Come on, Kenny! [Kenny take a card from a deck and looks through his other cards]
Scene Description: South Park Elementary gym, the game there continues. #11 hits it over the net to Wendy's side. #1 hits it... Stan is still following the cock Magic fights
Stan: What did he play? Did he tap all his mana?
Cartman: Dude, he just cast Psychogenic Probe. Now every time the other rooster has to shuffle his deck, he loses two health.
Kyle: He just had to shuffle it.
Cartman: Did you hear that? He's shuffling his deck already. The only thing he's got on the battle ground now is an Overseer.
Stan: Does an Overseer have trample? DOES AN OVERSEER HAVE TRAMPLE?! [meanwhile, the ball goes to #36, who hits it back over the net]
ESPN host: A second Elvish Mystic now, and Gadnuk attacks with Merciful Pretender. McCormick sends Charging Rhino to the graveyard. He's desperate now. Not too much he can-OH, and he's just laid down Life's Legacy!
Crowd: Ooooohh...
ESPN host: That was not expected! Gadnuk doesn't know what hit him! McCormick follows with Crackling Doom and Abzan Battle Priest!
Kyle: Holy shit, dude!
ESPN host: Gadnuk tries to block with Living Totem but OH, there is Terra Stomper! This is absolute savagery! Frenzied Goblin has been sent to the graveyard and now there is no one to block Pearl Lake Ancient! My God, someone has to put a stop to this!
Det. Harris: Freeze! [comes down to the basement with reinforcements. The cops draw their guns and check everyone out there. One cop pulls a gun from a spectator's jacket and throws it to the ground] Well, well! Looks like I finally caught the big boys! You're all going to jail for a long time! [looks at Kenny] Especially you, scumbag!
Promoter: Lousy cops! How did you find us?
Det. Harris: We saw your fliers. [holds one up] "Panda Express. Cock Magic at 9 pm."
Promoter: We didn't put those fliers out!
Announcer: [spotlights come on and move out over the crowd] And now, for your halftime entertainment, please welcome... the incomparable, the beautiful, the Amazingly Randy! [A stage is lit up and Randy bounds out]
Cartman: Ah, dude, your dad's here.
Randy: [lounge voice] Thank you, hey! You know, we live in a world of brutality and violence. And some people think there's no room for wonder anymore. But just for a moment I want you to think one thing. [dances over to a stool nearby with a box sitting on it] Whatever you believe is real, is real. [pulls out a hankey, then goes back to center stage and shows there's nothing odd about it. He unzips his zipper and puts the hankey on his penis. He gets a rubber band and ties the hankey around the penis. Next he moves his hand around and his penis rises in response, as if his hands had some magnetic power to them. Suddenly, the penis takes flight and goes around several times. He holds up a large ring and the penis flies through it flawlessly. He turns around and the song "Barbie Girl" plays. He drops his pants, dances a bit, then turns around with a small curtain over his legs. The penis peaks out to the right, up, left, and then the head of René Dif appears popping out to the right]
René Dif: Come on Barbie, let's go party. [Randy pushes it gently behind the curtain again, then he squats just long enough to get his pants back up and remove the curtain. Then he hops around. He hops back to the stool and gets some body lotion to lubricate his penis with. Then he pretends to stroke his penis and a bouquet of flowers pops up. He tosses the bouquet into the crowd and a woman catches it]
Spectator 3: Ewww! [throws the bouquet away]
Randy: Alright, for this last bit I'm gonna need a volunteer. Anybody?
Det. Harris: I'll volunteer.
Randy: Alright, come on up here. [Harris goes up] What's your name?
Det. Harris: I'm Detective Harris, South Park Police.
Randy: All right, a hand for Detective Harris! [applause. This provides a distraction by which some spectators leave silently] You know, if there's one thing I could leave you all with, it's this. Let cock magic be done by the professionals. [grabs a tank of liquid nitrogen] Sir? [gives it to Harris, who holds it. Drumroll. Randy takes a funnel and puts one end on his penis, then motions for Harris to pour the nitrogen into the funnel. A few seconds later, the funnel comes off to reveal a frozen penis. Randy takes a gun out and shoots it to bits. Harris is stunned. Randy walks over to him and smiles. All of a sudden, the penis comes out of Harris' mouth. Randy take it and puts it into his pants. Harris smiles. Only four cops remain and they clap. The crowd and the other cops have left.]
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day.
Cartman: It was so hardcore you guys. Kenny laid waste to Gadnuk, Breaker of Worlds. It got so out of hands that the fucking cops had to come and break it up.
Butters: Wow, the cops came?
Kyle: Yeah, It was seriously the most manly thing that's ever happened.
Cartman: Kenny cast Glacial Crasher, and then Stan's dad shot his dick off. I just, I seriously don't know where we go from here. You all right, Kenny?
Kenny: (Yeah, I guess. I just wonder about McNuggets.)
Kyle: Hey yeah, what about poor McNuggets? What's he gonna do now?
Stan: Wait a minute. I've got it, you guys.
Kyle: Got what?
Stan: A way to finally do something good for other people.
Scene Description: South Park Elementary gym, night. The girls volleyball team faces off against McNuggets. Wendy is about to serve when she looks at Stan, who gives her a thumbs up. Wendy shoots him a glare of disapproval over the whole idea.
Announcer: South Park serves, and McNuggets plays a Plains Land card. One-nil, South Park. [a smattering of applause. Wendy serves again] Another serve, and McNuggets summons Downtreader Elk. One South Park player is eliminated. You, the girl with the ponytails - you are dead.