Scene Description: An October afternoon in South Park. An adult narrates this story. We learn quickly that it is Kenny narrating.
Adult Kenny: October was always my favorite month. [Stan and Kyle toss a football to each other. Two boys run past them with a kite] It was always that misty season when everyone embraced the weird and scary. [people are shown decorating their houses for the day.] Our little town was no different. [Stephen and Linda decorate their home for Halloween] I was just a kid back then. [Dr. Spooky's Pumpkin Patch is shown, with kids purchasing their own pumpkins] Me and all the other children were preparing for the greatest night of the year. [Mr. Mackey walks out with a couple of trash bags] But this Halloween was different, and it would change us all... forever.
Mr. Mackey: Whoa! [trips over something and falls down] What the? [the something is an electric scooter someone left in front of his house. He stands up with his bags] Alright, who left their scooter here?! Okay?! Whose damn scooter is this?!
Neighbor: [across the street] It isn't anybody's. They're e-scooters. Anyone can use them.
Mackey: E-scooters?
Neighbor: Yeah, see? There's a bunch here and a bunch more down there. [points to his right, Mackey's left. Mackey looks and sees them on both sides of the street, standing on the sidewalk. Another neighbor trips over one on his way across the street.] Everyone can use them to get around town, you know? Leave them where they want for the next person.
Mackey: Well where the hell do they all come from?!
Neighbor: [flatly] Nobody knows. [Mackey is dumbfounded]
Scene Description: A sidewalk near the park. The boys stand around an e-scooter
Stan: So anyone can use them?
Cartman: Yeah, I think they just work with your cell phone.
Kyle: How?
Stan: Oh yeah, it has one of them little scan thingies. Let me see. [puts up his phone camera to the e-scooter, which scans the code on the e-scooter. A little ding is heard] Yeah, dude, it's downloading the app.
Cartman: Kewl!
Stan: Aww, it wants a credit card number.
Cartman: Do you wanna use your mom's or my mom's?
Stan: Let's do your mom's
Cartman: 3715 ...[Stan taps it into the app] 523 ...
Stan: Is that an AmEx?
Cartman: Yeah, you want a visa? 8292 438 7766507
Stan: Espiration?
Cartman: 45261
Stan: Security code?
Cartman: [without hesitation] 921 [two beeps follow, and the boys are good to go]
Kyle: Dude, it worked! [Stan puts his phone away and hops on the e-scooter, then begins riding it]
Cartman: How is it, dude?
Stan: Pretty stupid but sweet.
Kyle: [turns around] Oh my God. Dude. Oh my God.
Cartman: What?
Kyle: We should use these things to trick or treat on Halloween!
Cartman: Hey yeah! We could cover so much more ground!
Stan: [returns and stops] We'd get, like, more candy than anybody.
Kyle: Everybody get the app! This is gonna be the best Halloween ever! [he and Cartman whip out their phones and get the app. Kenny has nothing to do.]
Kenny: (Oh wait, you guys. See, I don't have a phone.)
Cartman: Oh yeah, Kenny doesn't have a phone 'cause he's poor.
Kyle: Oh. Well, that's okay. We'll figure it out. We always do!
All: [raising fists] All right!
Scene Description: Downtown South Park. Mr. Mackey parks in front of Tom's Rhinoplasty, gets out, and parks his car. He goes to Lolly's Candy Factory next door and notices the six e-scooters parked in front of it.
Mackey: [spooked] What the... what the... fuck is going on? [goes inside the store, keeping his eyes on the e-scooters]
Lolly: How can I help you?
Mackey: Well I'm just gettin' my Halloween candy. Want to make sure I get enough. Last year I ran out and the kids egged my house, m'kay?
Lolly: Yeah, you don't wanna run out of candy on Halloween.
Mackey: I'll take three large bags each of Snickers Fun Size, Payday Bite Size, Almand Joy Snack Size, and Reese's Teenie Weenie Size, m'kay?
Lolly: Sounds like you wanna be prepared. [opens a large shopping bag for him and begins packing the bags inside]
Mackey: Hey, c-can, can I ask you somethin'? Wha, what's up with all these damn scooters?
Lolly: Oh, I think you get an app on your phone and you can use them all over town.
Mackey: No, but like, where did they come from? You know, it's like one day everything was fine, and the next there were these fuckin' scooters everywhere. [hands Lolly his AmEx card.]
Lolly: You don't like scooters? [takes the card and places the charge on it]
Mackey: I just think people should drive, m'kay? I don't think people should "scoot." I just... I just hope the future isn't "scootin'."
Lolly: Well, they seem pretty convenient. [gives him back his card and the filled shopping bag] What can be so wrong about that? Happy Halloween. [Mackey leaves and finds... 20 scooters there where there were originally six. He hurries to his car]
Scene Description: The Halloween Outlet, day. Everyone is in there getting their costumes, Kenny walks out with a traditional pumpkin pail
Kenny: (Woohoo!) [runs to Cartman's house] (Hey dude, check it out! I got my pail!)
Cartman: Great, cool. You got your pail.
Kenny: (Yup!)
Cartman: Come on in, Kenny. Let's talk. [Kenny walks in, looks around, and ends up looking at Stan and Kyle. Cartman follows him] Go ahead. Take a seat, Ken. [Kenny sits on the sofa next to Kyle, Cartman sits next to him.] Okay Kenny, here's the deal. Um, you know that we have this awesome plan to trick-or-treat on e-scooters this year. YOU... don't have a phone.
Kyle: Kenny, we've been talking and, the truth is, without a scooter, you're just gonna slow us down.
Cartman: It's probably best you trick or treat with someone else this year.
Kenny: (But we always trick or treat together)
Stan: Yeah, but that's just it, Kenny. To use a scooter, you have to have a phone and... I mean, if we're waiting for you, we're gonna be as slow as all the other kids. It's... like, you know?
Kenny: (Guys, please.)
Cartman: Look, Kenny, I always told you that one day, being poor was gonna catch up with you. Okay? But you didn't wanna listen. You just kept on being poor, and now it's Halloween and you don't have a cell phone.
Kyle: Okay, okay. Cartman, that's not the point.
Cartman: He needs to hear this, Kyle. You know, people are just poor, and they think it's not gonna come back to bite them in the ass.
Kyle: That's enough, dude!
Stan: We're sorry, Kenny. It's just... This awesome plan to get shitloads of candy doesn't... work with... you. [Kenny looks around and reads the mood, then takes his pail and leaves the house]
Cartman: Shouldn't have been poor, Kenny.
Scene Description: Downtown South Park. Mr. Mackey is driving in his car and singing.
Mackey: There was a wee cooper what lived in Fife. Nickety, Nackety noo noonoo Hey Willy Wallacky, hey John Dougal. Alane quo roshety roo rooroo [Notices someone outside his window. It's a scooter rider sipping coffee from Starbucks and carrying a shoulder bag across his body. He begins to notice other riders, but this distracts him from the road ahead.] Whoa, shit! M'kay?! [he's at an intersection when another rider casually scoots in front of him on the crosswalk. He brakes hard, looks out his window and yells] Hey you had a goddamned red light!
Rider 1: [long gone] Sorry.
Mackey: [sighing] Whoa, Jesus Christ. [another rider runs into the car] Hey!
Rider 2: [pulls his scooter off the car] Sorry.
Mackey: What the hell?! [the rider pulls the scooter off the car and rides away] Look at my car! Who's gonna pay for- [another rider runs into the car on the passenger side]
Rider 3: Sorry dude. [pulls the scooter off the car and rides away]
Mackey: God damn it! Get off the goddamned street with those things! [begins to peel away when he encounters traffic going against him, consisting of nothing but scooter riders. He dodges them as best he can. He ends up bumping a few off.]
Rider 4: Sorry.
Rider 5: [lands on the hood of the car, then gets off some seconds later] Sorry bro.
Rider 6: [lands on the trunk of the car, then gets off some seconds later] Sorry, dude.
Mackey: Woh, fuck me!
Scene Description: Clyde's house, afternoon. Clyde is seated with Token, Jimmy, and Butters. discussing their plan for Halloween over a map of the town.
Clyde: As soon as the school bell rings, we find the nearest scooters and begin trick or treating in Butters' neighborhood here. Then at 3 p.m. we- [the doorbell rings]
Jimmy: Sh sh-sh-sh-sh Shi sh-shi shit.
Clyde: Cover it! Cover it! [he and Jimmy pull out a blanket and throw it over the map. Token and Butters's help cover it up. Clyde goes to open the door and sees Kenny there.] Oh. Hey Kenny.
Kenny: (Hey dude. Uh, look. I was wondering, do you think I could trick or treat with you guys this year?)
Clyde: You wanna trick or treat with us? What about Stan and Kyle and those guys?
Kenny: (Oh, you know, I just thought I'd switch it up this year, hehe)
Clyde: Yeah, look, don't tell anybody, but, um... we're gonna trick or treat on e-scooters this year. We're seriously gonna rake in the candy. Problem is, e-scooters work with a phone and pretty sure [slowly] you don't h-have one
Kenny: (Oh I won't slow you guys down. I swear!)
Clyde: Dude, it's trick or treat. It's not something we're just willing to mess around with, okay? [backs up and closes the door, then lowers his head in sadness]
Scene Description: Nighttime. For envelops the town while the moon shines overhead. Mr. Mackey's shadow pops out from behind a tree and looks around, then he sneaks into an alley. He begins pulling up scooters and tossing them into a Bargain Rentals pickup truck. he wades into the river and crosses it to the other side, then removes the scooters from that side of town. He tosses them onto the truck as well. He then chains a bunch of them together and scoots them down the street to the truck. He tosses them onto the growing pile and drives out of town. He drives them onto a high cliff and parks at the edge, then throws out the whole mass of scooters, kicking out any remaining ones. He then drives off the cliff and goes home to sleep. His phone beeps, waking him. He rubs his eyes and puts on his glasses, then is surprised to see a scooter in his room by the bed.
Mr. Mackey: What the hell?? [walks backward into the bathroom, then turns around to find two more scooters by the toilet.] Aaaah! [Spooked, he goes downstairs when he hears someone run into the front door.]
Rider 7: Agh! [Mackey opens the door to see the rider dust himself off] Sorry, dude.
Mackey: God damnit, where'd you get that?!
Rider 7: Oh, they're all over, dude. Super-convenient. Try it out. [scoots away. Mr. Mackey walks to the street and sees even more of them than he threw out the night before.]
Scene Description: The school cafeteria, day. Bebe and Wendy sit at the table with four other girls. Kenny walks up to their table and sits between two of the girls.
Kenny: (Hey guys!) [silence. He chuckles and says] (So listen, I was thinking, maybe I'd trick or treat with you guys this year!)
Wendy: You wanna trick or treat with us? Why?
Kenny: (Oh, you know! Just trying to be gender-neutral, hahahaha!)
Scene Description: At another table, Cartman sits with Stan, Kyle, Token, Jimmy, Clyde, and Butters
Cartman: So, uh, you guys think you're gonna get a lot of candy trick or treating this year?
Butters: We're gonna get a butt-load of candy!
Token: Shh! Butters, don't tell them our secret!
Cartman: Oh, we have a little secret too!
Stan: But we're not gonna tell people 'cause they're gonna copy us. So let's just leave it at that.
Clyde: Fine by us. So what are you gonna be for Halloween?
Cartman: Be? I'm gonna be on an e-scooter taking all your candy! [Stan and Kyle flash angry looks at him] That's what I'm gonna be!
Kyle: Dude!
Cartman: Sorry!
Jimmy: Hey wait! That's what we're doing!
Stan: What?
Craig: Hold on! You guys are using e-scooters on Halloween too?
Wendy: Oh, you jerks found out the girls are all trick or treating on e-scooters, and you stole our idea!
Cartman: Okay. Hold on! This is bullcrap! [all the kids begin arguing, destroying any chance Kenny had of enjoying a peaceful dinner. He walks away, head down.]
Scene Description: South Park Community Center. Adult Kenny resumes the story.
Adult Kenny: It was the day before Halloween. All of our parents were gathered together to try and stop a nightmare from coming true.
Sgt. Yates: [at the podium] All right, everyone. Quiet, please. We have a community crisis on our hands, and it's my job to keep you informed. As you know, there's been a rise in the use of e-scooters in our town. Officer Brown is head of crisis control. Officer?
Officer Brown: We have inside information that kids everywhere are going to be using e-scooters for tricks or treats. Now, with these things, kids and teens can cover a lot of ground in very little time. They can hit more houses than ever before. Because of the scooters, we also expect that people from all the neighboring counties will commute for tricks or treats in our town. Because of all of this, we believe each household needs to be prepared... with at least $6,000 worth of candy.
Jimbo: $6,000?
Stephen: Well that's ridiculous! We, we can't all buy that much candy! Let's just get rid of those scooters!
Townsfolk: Yeah! That's right! Let's do it!
Mackey: [stands up] You can't get rid of them! I tried! You all just sat there while those things piled up on our sidewalks! You all rode 'em around, m'kay?! I saw you! You could have used your cars, but you just had to scoot! [makes his way to the podium] And now tricks or treats is here! Well I'll tell you one thing! I'm not gonna let my house get egged this year for not havin' enough candy! So what are we gonna do?!
Townsman: We gotta get more candy! [after a moment of silence, everyone scrambles out the door with a sense of urgency. Mackey joins them]
Scene Description: Downtown South Park, evening. Mr. Mackey drives up in his car and screeches to a halt in front of Tom's Rhinoplasty. He leaves his car and locks it, then runs into Lolly's Candy Factory next door to get whatever candy he can just as everyone else runs out of there.
Mackey: Get-whoa-get out of the way! [goes inside. A female customer leaves with the last of the goodies]
Lolly: Look, I got nothin' left, all right?
Mackey: What did you-? Get me some of those Hi-Chews.
Lolly: Those are already accounted for by folks who called in!
Mackey: Well then let me, let me have the Whatchamacallits?
Lolly: Those are for me! I've gotta protect my own house!
Mackey: Look, you've gotta give me some more fuckin' candy! [Lolly bends over, pulls up a rifle, and aims it at Mr. Mackey]
Lolly: There's nothin' left here. You've gotta go somewhere else! [Mr. Mackey turns and runs out]
Scene Description: Food 4 Little, later. Mr. Mackey peels into a parking spot and grabs a cart as soon as he can. He runs through the store
Mackey: Where, where's the candy, m'kay? Candy? [stops when he sees an associate] Uhh, what aisle is the candy in?
Associate: Uh, aisle 7.
Mackey: [resumes running] Uh 7, aisle 7! [reaches it and turns to see empty, trashed shelves. A couple of people have fallen victim to the stampede]
Scene Description: Halloween, day. A wind blows some leaves around all over town. South Park Elementary is ow crowded with e-scooters up front. The kids are dressed up for Halloween and look around at each other warily, ready to be the first one out the classroom door as soon as the bell rings. Butters too looks around warily, but all of a sudden brightens up. He looks at the clock on the wall. Meanwhile, Kenny walks to Mr. Mackey's office, sighs, and knocks on the door.
Mackey: [divvies up the candy so every kid gets the same amount and composition] Twenty Reese's Pieces, one Twix, sixteen Raisinets. [Kenny knocks again] Just... just a minute! Twelve Hat Tamles, half a Nestle Crun- [Kenny knocks again] Okay, come in! [Kenny finally walks in and closes the door, then takes a seat] What you want?
Kenny: (I, I just... It's Halloween and I should be happy, but I'm not happy at all.)
Mackey: Wait. Are you here for counseling?
Kenny: (Yeah! What should I do? I'm gonna miss trick-or-treating. It sucks.)
Mackey: Do you realize it's about to be World War III out there?! We have bigger problems! Consider yourself lucky, M'kay?! Everyone's gonna be scootin' and there's no way to stop it. Why are you the one kid who doesn't want to use them?
Kenny: (I can't use one. I don't have a phone.)
Mackey: What do you mean? You can't use those things without a phone?
Kenny: (No. It sucks. Halloween was a night without phones, man.)
Mackey: But Kenny, if that's true, then... could there be a way to cut the connection?
Kenny: (I don't know. I guess if you-) [snaps his fingers] (Wait a minute. Take down the cell phone tower. Then nobody has a phone on Halloween!)
Mackey: Jesus! You really think that could work?!
Kenny: (Yeah! I just have to ride thirty minutes outside of town! Oh, wait. I can't. I don't have a scooter.)
Mackey: [voice trembling] No. You don't need a scooter, 'cause I got a fuckin' car. [Kenny gets pumped]
Scene Description: Tegridy Farms, day. Stephen and Linda drive up and park. Randy opens the front door to greet them
Randy: Yehello?
Stephen: Heh hey Randy. Linda and I, we... we were talkin' about how we never see you guys anymore, and we were thinking we'd hang out with you for Halloween, heh.
Randy: Oh, I see. You want a place to hide on Halloween night, and you thought out here on the farm you'd be safe.
Stephen: Well, that, and we really wanna hang with you guys.
Linda: [giggles nervously] Yes.
Randy: You think them fancy e-scooters don't make it out here? We're gonna be bombarded just like you city folk.
Stephen: Then please, Randy, can we just borrow a little candy?
Randy: I gotta keep what I have.
Stephen: Please, Randy, the stores are all out! Just a few Milky Ways to get us through the first couple hours, please! We can cut 'em up. We can- we can hand them out little pieces at a time.
Randy: [steps backward up the porch steps] I gotta protect my own, Stotch! I'm sorry. [turns and walks inside]
Scene Description: In the car, moments later.
Linda: [in a panic] What are we gonna do??
Stephen: It's okay, Linda! It's okay! On Halloween night, I'll... I'll just one of those e-scooters myself. I'll go around and, and I'll trick-or-treat. I'll... I'll get a bunch of-
Linda: [grabs his right hand] No, you can't leave me alone!
Stephen: [grabs her shoulders] I'll get a bunch of candy, Linda, and I'll bring it back to our house for us to hand out! It's going to be okay.
Scene Description: South Park Elementary. The school bell rings and the kids flood out to get at the e-scooters. Clyde gets on a scooter, but Kyle pulls him off and takes it. Butters runs for a scooter, but Cartman catches up to him and punches him away. The kids fan out around town. Gerald is at his front door dishing out candy as fast as possible
Gerald: Aah! Aaaah! Here! Here, take it! Just take it!
Richard: [Dishes out candies to the trick-or-treaters in a panic] OH GOD! WE NEED MORE 3 MUSKETEERS! WE CAN'T BE OUT! THERE HAS TO BE MORE!!
Kyle: [comes into view with Cartman and Stan] Jesus Christ! Where'd all these other people come from?!
Cartman: We have to get more candy than anyone else, even if we die!
Scene Description: The road to South Park, night. The sign for Mr. Hankey's Holiday Pageant now has CANCELLED spray-painted on it. Kids and teens from out of town begin streaming in. Again, Mr. Mackey has to avoid the oncoming riders, but Kenny is with him now.
Mackey: The tower should be just over that ridge.
Kenny: (Let's just hope to hell this works.)
Rider 8: [a woman they bump off] Oof, Sorry.
Mackey: What gives them the right, huh? I mean, some big company came and dumped a bunch of scooters everywhere without asking anyone if it was okay.
Kenny: (Yeah, people don't even care if shit's dumped everywhere. Everyone just loves technology)
Mackey: Yeah, you're right. You're a good kid, Kenny. I always thought so. I know we kind of all forget about you sometimes, but you're smart, compassionate, and you might even make a good counselor someday. [looks ahead again, but bumps into another rider]
Rider 9: Sorry, dude.
Scene Description: Jimbo and Ned's house, night. The trick-or-treaters swarm outside the house while Jimbo and Ned dish out the candy
Jimbo: Keep going, Ned! Don't you give up on me!
Stephen: [scoots up to them, pushing people out of the way] Move it! Get out of my way! [holdds up his pail] Trick or treat!
Jimbo: The hell are you doing, Stotch?
Stephen: Happy Halloween! Trick or Treat!
Jimbo: You're just trying to get our candy for your house!
Stephen: That's not true!
Jimbo: You don't even have a costume!
Stephen: Yes I do! I'm Megyn Kelly! Now trick or treat!
Scene Description: The neighborhood streets, night. The boys have done so well that their bags are bulging with candy
Kyle: That's it! I can't go anymore!
Cartman: Keep moving, Kyle!
Stan: Dude, we can't carry any more candy!
Cartman: All right, over here. Come on!
Kyle: What are we doing?
Cartman: We've gotta make room for more candy. Come on. Eat as much as you can. [they open their bags and start shoveling candy into their mouths, eating as much as they can]
Kyle: I don't... I don't know how I can keep doing this.
Cartman: Yes you can, Kyle.
Stan: I can't any more. [throws up into his bag]
Scene Description: A half hour out of town, night. Mr. Mackey and Kenny drive towards a wireless cell tower guarded by a chain-link fence
Kenny: (Find a way inside. I'll climb the tower.)
Mackey: Okay, sounds good! [they're confronted by a security guard in costume]
Kenny: (Oh, fuck!) [the guard is dressed as Jason Voorhees]
Mackey: Jesus Christ! [slashing sounds are heard. The guard removes his mask]
Guard: I'm all out of candy, all right?! Go look somewhere else!
Mackey: We're not here for tricks or treats!
Guard: Yeah, sure! That's what the last people said! Then they dumped my entire bowl in a pillowcase!
Kenny: (Dude, relax. It's okay.)
Guard: I'm just a security guard, all right?! [slides the mask back down over his face] We never even used to have trick-or-treaters out this far!
Mackey: That's why he has to take down this cellphone tower: To stop the scooters! Jason, I'm a counselor. You need to trust me. [the guard tilts his head to the right]
Scene Description: The trick-or-treaters swarm outside the police station and pound on its walls. Police officers inside the station stay low and armed. One of them covers his ears
Yates: There's a bowl of Rice Krispie treats at the side door! The side door, you animals!
Officer: Detective, look!
Scene Description: A TV is seen from their location, showing a newscast from New York. Times Square is torn to shreds, with glass panels littering the ground
Reporter: We are two hours ahead here! New York has completely run out of candy! [static ruins the image and the TV goes dark]
Scene Description: The neighborhood streets, moments later. Trick-or-treating continues
Jimmy: Butters? We've lost Butters!
Token: Oh God, Butters! [Butters is lying down next to a gutter munching on his cache of candy]
Scene Description: Tegridy Farms, night. Sharon and Randy stand on the porch looking out at the fields. A swarm of kids is in the distance
Sharon: We're never goin' to have enough candy.
Scene Description: The cellphone tower, later. Kenny goes up the steps to the top, hauling a chain. He then throws the chain around the top and catches it, tying it onto itself
Kenny: (Okay, that's got it!)
Mackey: All right, Kenny! [to no one] Let's see you do THIS with a goddamned scooter! [turns the ignition on, revs up the car, and begins to drive away, pulling the tower down. Kenny hides behind some panels on the way down]
Scene Description: The town, moments later. The scooters begin to power down and the riders stop moving. The excitement dies down.
Scene Description: Tegridy Farms, moments later. The scooters begin to power down and the riders stop moving just before reaching the porch. The excitement dies down.
Adult Kenny: And just like that, it was over. Nobody knew what happened. They only knew their phones didn't work.
Clyde: Does anyone have a signal?
Adult Kenny: No scooters, no texting, not even GPS. It was like the old Halloween. [with no way to move around on them, the riders just drop the scooters and walk away]
Rider 10: And I can't get an Uber home!
Adult Kenny: Mr. Mackey was able to get back to the town and offer counseling to everyone who needed it. [Kenny walks into view, wearing a costume] And as for me? I was able to spend the rest of the night with my friends, because we were all equal again.
The boys: [approach a house and ring the doorbell] Trick or treat.
Kenny: [brightly] (Trick or treat!)
Adult Kenny: It was the last Halloween that still felt like Halloween. It was the last time... it was good. [a scooter suddenly props itself up and scoots away]


Scene Description: A meadow near town, day. A small bird chirps on a blade of grass when suddenly, it's shot to pieces. The camera pans left and we see Jimbo and Ned in the distance, Ned holding the rifle that shot the bird
Jimbo: Yeah-heah! You got it, Ned! That was a nice shot!
Ned: Mn-thanks. I thought so too.
Jimbo: Come on, let's see what we got. [they walk to the bird's location and look down] Huh. Looks like you shot the shit out of it. There's nothin' left. [looks to his left] Hey. Lookie here. Jesus. You ever seen animal tracks that big? [the hoof prints of a large animal are shown - pig on the left, bear on the right]
Ned: Mmm-no I have not, Jimbo.
Jimbo: Looks like a bear. A huge one! Come on, the tracks go this way. [they walk away, then stop] Look at that. Looks like bear droppings. But with a man poop right next to it.
Ned: I'm scared. [they move forward]
Jimbo: What the hell are we dealing with, Ned? Whatever it is, it was heard recently. [they walk through some hemp plants]
Scene Description: They've made their way to Tegridy Farms. Randy and Stan are on the porch
Randy: Hey! [Jimbo and Ned look up] What the hell are you guys doin' on my farm?
Jimbo: We're trackin' a bear, Randy.
Randy: A bear? [a growling squeal is heard, Everyone looks around] That didn't sound like no bear. [Ned begins to run away]
Jimbo: Where're you goin' Ned?
Ned: Mmm-I'm getting my white ass outta here. [stops. Manbearpig rises out of the field and squeal-growls at him]
Stan: What the fuck?!
Jimbo: Jesus Christ! [fumbles to aim his gun at ManBearPig and finally gets a shot out. Ned runs away, and ManBearPig gives chase.] Whoa!
Ned: [slowly while running] Help me! [ManBearPig catches up to him and mauls him, then carries him away in its mouth.]
Jimbo: NNEEEEDDDD!!
Scene Description: Park County Police Station, day. Officers arrive to work.
Yates: All right. We have some dead cows down at Milner's Ranch. I want Conners and Tiggs to check that out. And the two hikers are still missing. Let's have all units keep their ears to the ground. [tidies up his papers] All right, ladies, that's it. Second shift starts now. As for me, I'm finally heading home.
Officer 1: Gonna finally get some R&R, sir?
Yates: Yep. Gonna go home and play me some Red Dead Redemption 2. I got a train to rob in Valentine.
Officer 2: Detective! Got a call from the school. Another kid's been killed.
Yates: No, no not another school shooting! Can't they handle it themselves?
Officer 2: Said they need us right away.
Yates: [makes fists] God damn it! [loosens them] Why the hell can't these kids stop being a pain in my ass? [takes off his coat and adjusts his tie]
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Several police cars pull up. Yates and the others get out and enter the school. Strong Woman has the students huddled up on the playground.
Strong Woman: Children, everyone, just stay back, okay? The police are coming.
Yates: [arrives with Ofc. Brown.] All right, what happened? What grade was the shooter in?
Strong Woman: Oh thank God. Some kindergartners found the body. I-I don't think it was a shooting.
Yates: [takes a cigarette from a pack in his shirt pocket] Of course it's a school shooting. It's cut and dry. Let's just get this over with so I can go home. Where's the victim? [takes out a lighter and lights his cigarette]
Strong Woman: Over there. [points to her left, and the officers follow with their eyes]
Brown: What the hell? [the body they reach is a kid's body which has been ripped to shreds]
Yates: Jesus, it's a complete mauling.
Officer 3: [kneels to take a closer look] Looks like part of him was eaten.
Yates: [returns to the students] All right, which one of you little shitheads did this? [the student body stays silent] Come on. I don't have time for these little games. Which of you peckers felt isolated and lashed out at society? If I have to stay here and do an investigation instead of go home and rob a train, there's gonna be serious hell to pay!
Scene Description: South Park Elementary hallway. Kyle is at his locker switching books. He closes the locker as Cartman and Kenny walk by, and joins them.
Kyle: So what as he doing alone on the playground?
Cartman: Staci Nakabw says he just wanted to run back out and get his football.
Kenny: (What the fuckin' hell, dude?)
Kyle: And there were bear prints in the snow?
Stan: It wasn't a bear! [seen by his locker seated on the floor with his arms around his legs] I saw it. [the other boys walk up to him]
Kyle: You saw what?
Stan: It was at my house. There was a... thing. It attacked my uncle and took his friend. It was like a bear, but a pig... thing.
Kyle: Jesus.
Stan: It was at my house, and then here at the school! Everyone says that kid and I looked alike. What if that thing is after me??
Cartman: Dude, now you're just overreacting.
Mackey: [over the P.A.] Attention, please. Will the following students report to the principal's office? Eric Cartman, Kenny McCormick. [both are surprised that they've been called.] Thank you, 'kay.
Cartman: Aww, what did I do this time?
Scene Description: The principal's office, lobby. Cartman and Kenny arrive.
Cartman: You go first, Kenny.
Kenny: (Fuck that, you go first!)
Cartman: I didn't even do anything wrong!
Kenny: (Neither did I!)
Cartman: Just stop being a baby, Kenny, and go! [pulls Kenny to the door]
Scene Description: The principal's office, inside. Kenny goes in first, then Cartman. Yates is sitting at the desk, smoking a cigarette.
Yates: Take a seat, boys. Right there. [the boys sit and wait as Yates lights up a cigarette and takes a loooong puff] You know how shitty it is to be a cop? [sits up] There's real emergencies every day - real people who need real help - but then, every other minute, I gotta stop everything 'cause one of you little fuckwads decides to go and shoot up the school. [Kenny says something] Shut up! now, which one of you had a beef with Colin Brooks?!
Cartman: Nobody gives a shit about Colin Brooks.
Yates: Oh yeah? I asked the kids in this school, "Who are the biggest loners? Who's most likely to rage and be the next school shooter?" You know what they said? The fat, ugly mean kid and the detached, loner poor kid.
Cartman: Hey, I'm not poor, all right?!
Yates: Or was it both of you? Fess up. I have people in Horseshoe Overlook who are depending on me to get provisions so we can head back east.
Cartman: You're playing Red Dead Redemption 2?
Yates: That's right. And I'm gonna make both of you school shooters pay for wasting my time. [Cartman and Kenny just look at each other]
Scene Description: Kyle's room, evening. Kyle is typing away at his computer as Stan looks on.
Stan: Keep looking. There's a lot of people saying they saw it, Kyle. It's not just me.
Kyle: "Evidence of the creature of South Park." This is like a conspiracy Web site.
Stan: It's not a conspiracy, it's real. Keep going down. There's video. [Kyle scrolls down and stops at "MAN-BEAR-PIG captured on VIDEO"] There! Right there! [Kyle clicks on it and the video expands. ManBearPig is seen running off with another victim in its jaws.] That's it. That's what I saw. [walks away from the computer] I saw ManBearPig.
Kyle: ManBearPig?
Stan: Don't you remember, dude? We were warned about this. That weirdo guy who came and told us this would happen? He was right. [Kenny and Cartman soon run in]
Cartman: You guys! You guys! The police are trying to say me and Kenny killed that douchebag, Colin Brooks.
Kyle: What?
Cartman: They questioned us for hours. They said they had enough to get warrants for our arrest.
Stan: But it wasn't you guys.
Cartman: We know that! What the hell are we gonna do??
Stan: Who was that ex-President guy? The one who showed up and tried to convince everyone of a ManBearPig?
Kenny: (You mean Al Gore?)
Kyle: Al Gore.
Scene Description: Park County Police Station, day. Yates addresses everyone in the briefing room.
Yates: In my report, you'll see that Eric Cartman and Kenny McCormick are believed to have worked together. I've issued warrants for their arrests, and this case is now in the hands of the DA. [adjusts his papers and puts them away] And I... am finally going home. Keep McCormick and Cartman in separate holding cells, and don't wait on me to book 'em. I'm gonna be playing Red Dead Redemption for the next 18 hours. [gets to the entrance door]
Officer 2: Detective!
Yates: Whaaat?
Officer 2: There's more dead kids. Out in the woods by Stark's Pond.
Yates: In the woods? There was a school shooting out in the woods? Outside of school is the one place kids are supposed to be safe.
Officer 2: They're saying it's really bad, sir. Need all units.
Yatess: [frustrated, sighs] God damn it! [takes off his coat] If these kids don't stop killing each other, I'm gonna shoot 'em all myself.
Scene Description: Denver City Hall, day. The boys approach the receptionist.
Stan: Hello, uh, we're looking for a government sort of guy named Al Gore?
Receptionist: Al Gore... Al Gore... Sounds familiar.
Kyle: He said he was almost President once. He came to our town once to warn us about something, [hands her a photo] and we have to find him. [the photo is revealed to be a head shot of Al Gore signed "To my Best Friends! - Al".]
Receptionist: Ohhh yeahhh. This looks like Jim Turner
Kenny: {Jim Turner?}
Receptionist: The state bowling champion five years in a row. You can always catch him practicing down at Gramercy Lanes.
Scene Description: Gramercy Lanes, later. "Jim Turner" is seen getting ready to bowl.
Gore: Focus. Calm. Center. [bowls. The ball takes out 9 of 10 pins] Yes! Die! Die, you pins! Oh, we've got a straggler, do we? You're gonna die just like the rest of 'em.
Stan: Mr. Gore?
Gore: Focus. Calm.
Stan: Al Gore?
Gore: [faces them] That's a name I haven't heard in a long time.
Stan: I don't know if you remember us, but we're the kids you got to help try and capture ManBearPig? Well uh, eh eh, you were right. Ha, you, you were totally right. ManBearPig is real and, uh, he's killing lots of people in our town.
Gore: Oh. Sucks for you. [turns around and gets the spare.]
Kyle: Please, Mr. Gore! We need your help! ManBearPig isn't going to stop!
Gore: [gets a new ball and holds it] Oh, is it inconvenient now? I tried to warn you all, but no one took me cereal. You all just made fun of me, didn't you? Well, now you can just deal with it yourselves.
Kyle: Please, just tell us. How do you stop it?
Gore: You stop it all those years ago when I freaking warned you and you still had time!
Stan: There has to be something we can still do. Please, Mr. Gore. You're the only person who knows anything about it.
Gore: Say you're sorry for making fun of me.
Stan: We, didn't, we didn't realize there were more than-
Gore: Say you're sorry for making fun of me.
Cartman: [sincerely] We're sorry for making fun of you.
Gore: That... didn't sound cereal at all. [turns and bowls a strike]
Scene Description: Red Lobster, day. A family is seated at a booth. The mother and son sit against a wall while the father sits on the open side.
Husband: You can't just go along with what people are saying, Susan. Okay? There's no scientific proof, no real evidence of a Manbearpig.
Susan: Well, there's a lot of smart people saying ManBearPig is real.
Husband: Yeah, and a lot of smarter people saying saying it isn't. Okay? What you need to understand, Susan, is that everyone has an agenda. Everyone wants to use the fear of a Manbearpig to get what they want. [ManBearPig breaks through the windows and begins killing diners left and right] So they throw around bad science, bad taxidermy. People comin' out of the woodwork are now experts on the subject. [ManBearPig grabs a blond diner by the head and slams him to the ground, grabs a female diner and decapitates her with a single bite, grabs another diner and kills him] But you have to use your own brain, sweetheart. You can't just let people tell you that if you don't believe in ManBearPig, then you don't care about the world.
Susan: It is real!
Husband: You wanna believe it's real? You go right on ahead, Susan.
Susan: No, it's right there! It's right there behind you! [The father looks over his shoulder and sees ManBearPig grab another blond diner and rip his skull and spine from the rest of his body. Susan is terrified and screams]
Husband: Okay, ManBearPig is real. [ManBearPig grabs another diner and bites him in the torso, tosses him around, and spits him out] What are we gonna do about it now, huh? [ManBearPig grabs another diner and tears him in two] What are we gonna do that's gonna make any difference now, Susan?
Susan: [grabs their son and shakes her head in disbelief] What?! We have to do something!
Husband: What can we do that everyone else will also do, Susan? [ManBearPig grabs a female diner and slams her into a pillar] Come on, use your brain. Even if we do something about it, what about the Chinese? [ManBearPig takes yet another dinner and slams him into the booth behind the family's] They're just gonna keep right on- Aaaghghg! [ManBearPig grabs the father and crushes his skull in its jaws, killing him]
Scene Description: Olive Garden, day. There's singing going on in there.
Boys: [singing to Al Gore, who's wearing a Special Boy crown] For he's a jolly good fellow. For he's a jolly good fellow. For he's a jolly good fellow. That should 've been President.
Gore: Aw, thanks, guys! You shouldn't have!
Cartman: You told us to. [Stan elbows him] Ngh!
Gore: What did you guys get me? [opens the first gift] Oh wow. Look! [a small framed picture] It's a "You were right about ManBearPig" signed picture. [the picture does say that, with the four boys signing it at the bottom]
Kyle: So, ahum, now maybe we can all work together, huh?
Gore: Hang on! [claps and sings] It's movie time! Go go! Start it up. [Kenny goes to start the projector] This is the best party ever. Oh, look, guys. It's me! There I am, campaigning to be President. [Al Gore talking to a crowd during his presidential campaign in 2000] That's me with Hillary! [An older looking Gore standing with Hillary Clinton at a rally during her presidential campaign in 2016] There's more of me on the campaign trail,[Al and his wife shaking hands with people outside during his campaign in 2000] so full of dreams! Oh, look! It's me when I found out I lost the election! [he and George W. Bush stand outside by the White House after the 2000 presidential election] Boo! [the boys have lost interest and their eyes are half closed] But then look! There's me getting an Academy Award! [Gore standing on the red carpet at the 2007 Academy Awards with his wife, son and daughter for his film "An Inconvenient Truth"]
Kyle: [fed up] Okay, can we stop ManBearPig now?!
Gore: Who said anything about stopping MBP?[Gore, his wife and his running mate are shaking hands while leaving an event in 2000]
Stan: Yu-you told us to do all this.
Gore: Yeah, to make up for ripping on me![Gore talking to reporters on a tarmac]
Cartman: You're still not even gonna help us?!
Gore: I've moved on from this life, okay?! I have a new life now! I'm a bowler![Gore addressing the United Nations]And when I'm not bowling, I help out my gang. [Gore on an airplane talking to a reporter]They're my family now! We're wanted in Blackwater, and we have to move our camp soon!
Cartman: You're playing Red Dead Redemption 2?
Gore: Yeah, it's amazing. Only thing is I have all these stolen items and I don't know how to sell them.[Gore and his wife greeting people outside an event at night]
Stan: We know how.
Gore: [softly] Oh, really? [Gore and his running mate at a rally in 2000]
Scene Description: Baskin Robbins, day. It is destroyed, with shattered windows and bodies torn apart and strewn everywhere. The police show up and document the massacre.
Officer 3: [with notepad] No witnesses to the attack were left alive. The same bear and pig droppings were found along with human excrement.
Yates: I don't believe it. A school shooting at an ice cream shop. Damn it! When children leave school they're supposed to be out of harm's way!
Officer 4: Detective! Sir, we got word on the two suspects. They appear to be on the run.
Yates: I would be too if I were guilty.
Officer 4: No one has seen them or their two closest friends, uh, Marsh and Broflovski.
Yates: So we got us a gang of shooters, huh?! How the hell hard can it be to find four boys?!
Officer 3: Sir. Why don't you take a break, sir?
Yates: Erh.
Officer 3: You've been hittin' it hard. We'll do all we can to catch these kids. Go home. Play some Red Dead Redemption.
Yates: Huh. Gotta admit I've to love to see the sunrise over Citadel Rock again. And I got me a gal who claims she's got a side mission or two.
Officer 3: Go on home, sir. We'll take care of everything here.
Scene Description: Al Gore's storage unit. He opens the security shutters and leads the boys in. Lots of papers and electronics fill the unit
Gore: This is it. Every piece of information I ever gathered on ManBearPig.
Stan: Where did ManBearPig come from?
Kyle: Is it some sort of genetic mutation?
Gore: [uncovers a huge workstation with three screens] Hoho! I thought that once too. I wanted to find ManBearPig's origins. And so I created this - the Internet. With that, I was able to look everywhere for any bit of data, and what I learned is that ManBearPig... is a demon.
Kenny: (A demon?!)
Gore: [brings up an image of an engraving] This is "The Temptation of St. Anthony" by Martin Schongauer. It depicts several demons. WolfMonekyGuy, ChickenFishWoman, and ElephantPorcupineMan, just to name a few. All of them sent by the Devil himself. [realizes something] Oh my God.
Kyle: What?
Gore: I should play Red Dead on this computer, with all three screens. That'd be so bitchin' sweet.
Stan: Why did the Devil send ManBearPig?!
Gore: Why does the Devil do anything? He's the freakin' Devil. He's a dick. [opens a secret compartment in which his red cape and gold medallion rest, and puts on the cape and medallion] It's probably too late. By now, ManBearPig is so powerful that the only way to get rid of him is to send him back to hell. We're going to have to do... a demonic ritual. [goes to a mirror to make sure he's ready] All I can say is... you boys better get to the grocery store, 'cause it's time... to get cereal.
Scene Description: Yates' house, night. Yates parks his car outside the garage and goes to the front door. He opens it and goes in. Maggie comes out to greet him
Maggie: Harrison Yates, where have ya been?!
Yates: Another school shooting, Maggie. Down at Baskin-Robbins. [grabs his controller and presses Play. He waits for the game to appear onscreen]
Maggie: I haven't seen ya in days. I've missed you so much. Come have some supper with me.
Yates: Maggie, I just need to relax a bit, all right? Please. I've been waiting for this a long time. Just give me a- Wait a minute. The house in Valentine is built? Where did I get a sniper rifle? Maggie! Did you play over my saved game?
Maggie: I just played a little bit.
Yates: A little bit, you-? On my saved game?! Why didn't you start your own?!
Maggie: You're never home anymore! With all these school shootings! I need a life too, you know?! ISo I robbed a lumber mill in Monto's rest, upgraded my horse and got a sniper rifle.
Yates: [stands up and confronts her] That's my life, Maggie! I was goin' for more honor points! God damn it!
Maggie: Why can't we have a life together?!
Yates: I haven't gotten to play in three days. You've done all this stuff without me! You got deputized?! [Maggie begins sobbing.] Oh God damn it! That does it!
Maggie: Where are ya going?!
Yates: I'm starting a new life! [goes to the hat rack and puts on his coat and hat, then goes back to the armchair] I'm creating a new saved game.
Maggie: You can;t possibly go all the way back to the snow level again!
Yates: What choice do I have now?! [Maggie sobs and heads towards the kitchen as he starts a new game] Fuckin' bitch.
Scene Description: The woods, night. The camera aims at the night sky, then pans down, resting on the sacrificial circumscribed pentagram, drawn in blood. A goat is tied to a stake in the center, and a candle rests on each of the five points of the pentagram. Gore appears with a crown of twigs and holding a chicken by its feet
Gore: Abuul abash mayah. What Satan has put forth upon this earth, may it be summoned and banished forever. [the boys stand by with two other dead chickens. They each hold a candle. Kenny takes one of them to Gore]
Kyle: Dude, come on. What are we doing?
Cartman: This is stupid.
Stan: He was right before.
Gore: We call upon the powers of darkness. Come on, guys. We call upon the powers of darkness.
The Boys: We call upon the powers of darkness.
Gore: Al Gore was right. Al Gore was right all along.
The Boys: Al Gore was right all along.
Gore: We should have listened to Al Gore.
The Boys: We should have all listened to Al Gore.
Kyle: Wait. Wait, are you videoing us?
Gore: It's Instagram Live. Keep going! We should have taken Al Gore more cereal.
Stan: All right all right, that's enough! [puts down his candle] You need to stop wasting our time, dude. People are dying! You don't have a fucking clue what you're doing! [the pentagram brightens up, winds whip around in it, flames appear on the bloody markings. The goat is consumed and the flames get stronger.]
Gore: [faces the boys] You were saying?
Stan: Oh shit! [facepalm] God damn it! Nothing! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!
Scene Description: The SPPD briefing room. The police officers await Yates. An officer coughs. The door opens and Yates storms in, also the door, puts his coat on the coat rack, kicks the wastebasket and walks to the lectern
Yates: Do you all have any idea what it's like to start over?! You walk four hours through the snow relearning everything, all because your bitch wife went and spent all your hard-earned money on upgrades you didn't want! I get one little break from work - one little break - and I didn't even get back to the first brawl at the saloon!
Officer 5: [raises his hand] You can actually bypass that fight if you go hunting with Dutch.
Yates: [slams his fist on the lectern] SHUT UP!! These school shootings are done, you hear me?! I want this case closed by the end of the night, one way or another! Now let's MOVE OUT!
Scene Description: The woods, night. The pentagram is quite hot now as Gore and the boys wait for Satan
Gore: Here he comes, boys! Prepare yourselves! [the pentagram ones up and a giant hand rises out of it and grips the ground. The rest of the figure rises up, growling. It's Satan.]
Satan: Who hath summoned me to this realm?!
Kyle: Dude! You summoned Satan!
Gore: Yeah, no doi! What'd ya think we were doing?! [turns to Satan] Prince of Darkness! It is I, Al Gore! I was almost President!
Satan: What do you wish of me, Al Gore?!
Gore: A demon from Hell has been unleashed upon our world! We demand to know its nature! We demand to know its reason for coming!
Satan: There is only one place you can find the answers you seek! It is the place where all knowledge becomes known. Your local library.
Gore: Ah! You are correct. [to the boys] Your local library is an excellent resource for whatever you wish to learn.
Satan: Yes it is.
Gore: Then I command ye, Satan, to come with us to the local library! And I am cereal!
Kyle: Dude, Satan's not gonna go with us to the-
Satan: Very well, Al Gore. Let us go!
Scene Description: South Park Public Library, night. The boys and Gore are inside browsing the stacks
Satan: Yeah, guys! Guys, over here! I think I found it. What you're dealing with is a Sifter of Fate.
Kenny: (Well what's that mean?)
Satan: So there's these demons that, um, actually come once every few generations. They're all about making deals.
Stan: Making deals?
Satan: Yeah, check it out: "The Sifter of Fate thrives on tempting mankind. It will always offer a deal in exchange for mercy, but the carnage will be a thousand times worse when the debt comes due."
Kyle: Okay, so wait. Now you're saying that someone in our town made a deal with that thing?
Satan: Now it's here to claim its part of the bargain. It's sort of like when you're part of a gang feuding with a rival gang, you know? You ride around on your horse thinking it won't all catch up with you, but... it always does.
Gore: You're playing Red Dead Redemption 2?
Satan: So good, right? [police sirens draw near and stop]
Scene Description: South Park Public Library exterior, night. Yates speaks through a bullhorn while numerous police cars and armed SPPD officers are behind him and a few townspeople observe.
Yates: Attention school shooters! We have you surrounded! Come out with your hands up!
Scene Description: South Park Public Library interior. The boys look out the window before turning around and walk away from the window.
Cartman: Oh Jesus. You gotta tell them, Mr. Gore! Tell them it wasn't us!
Gore: No. They don't listen to me, kids. [walks up to them and genuflects] It's up to you young people now. [takes off his medallion...] You have to find a way to get people to take this cereal. [...and puts it on Kyle. He then puts his cape on Stan] You must convince people there's a ManBearPig, which Satan told you is a Fate Sifter demon that made a deal with someone in this town!
Stan: That's gonna be impossible!
Gore: Yeah, sounds really hard, doesn't it? People might not believe you and like, make fun of you and stuff. Poor you guys, huh? [the boys turn and walk out, heads down.]
Scene Description: South Park Public Library exterior, night. The boys walk out to the steps of the library and stop in place with their hands up.
Officer 5: They're coming out!
Female Officer: Hands where we can see 'em!
Stan: Everyone, listen! ManBearPig is real! It's a demon that thrives on making deals to exploit mankind's weaknesses. I am super-duper cereal.[a few of the townspeople move in closer behind the officers to listen] We all have to work together, you guys. This one time. We have to all put our pride aside and be willing to say, maybe we were wrong.
Yates: [Approaches from the side behind the boys] All right, lock these little fuckers up! [four officers, one for each boy, come up from the other side and cuff them]
Kyle: No! You can't! [other officers come in and deal with the boys]
Yates: [leaving] That's it, gentlemen! Case closed. Now I've got a Goddamned stagecoach to rob in Scarlett Meadows!
Officer 6: Well done, sir! [he and Yates high-five each other in passing]
Stan: No! Nooo!
Scene Description: The arrest is aired on News 4. Kyle and Stan are put into the back seat
Stan: Please! Somebody made a deal with ManBearPig! We have to find out who!
Scene Description: Shady Acres Retirement Community. Commons area. Marvin Marsh and other residents are watching the events unfold on TV.
Marvin: [looking at the newscast] Billy... What have I done?


Scene Description: Bright music plays as a couple leaves Jared's, the Galleria of Jewelry
Wife: [emotional] Oh my gosh! Oh, honey! I can't believe you went to Jared!
Husband: This is a new beginning for us, darling. I'm just so excited for our future. [ManBearPig leaps in out of nowhere and mangles him to bits]
Scene Description: Gameplay of Red Dead Redemption 2 is shown on a television set up next to a cup of pens and pencils.
Officer Jenkins: [Off screen] Oh yeah! Take that, cop! You want some too, sheriff?! Yeah! There you go, bitch! Another dead cop! [The back of the player is now shown, with the television and a PS4 set up on an office desk] And another one! Yeah! You want some too, copper?! [the player is revealed to be a desk officer inside South Park Police Department.] You want a piece of this, you god damn pigs?!
Scene Description: South Park Police Department, holding cells. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman are hanging onto the cell door while Kenny is laying down on a cot. Officer Jenkins is a few feet away from them, playing RDR2.
Stan: Officer, you have to let us out of here! We don't have much time!
Jenkins: Yeah, that's the last cop. Let's get out of here!
Stan: Sir, you have to listen to us. ManBearPig is real.
Jenkins: [Reclines back and puts his legs up on the desk] Oh God. Here we go again. "We gotta stop ManBearPig! We gotta take it serious!"
Kyle: But we do! ManBearPig is gonna kill everyone, and he's not gonna stop!
Jenkins: Oh, well then I guess I don't have to do anything about it.
Cartman: Can you get off your god damn video game for five fucking seconds so we can have a conversation?!
Stan: [leaves the cell door] Where the hell is Al Gore? Why isn't he coming for us?
Kyle: [walks up] Nobody's coming for us, Stan. They think we're murderers.
Cartman: And that's why we have to break out of here ourselves. [turns to the cop] Excuse me? Officer?
Jenkins: Shut up! I don't wanna hear anything about ManBearPig and how we're all doomed.
Cartman: No, it's not that. It's just...I noticed you're still riding your horse all the way back to camp.
Jenkins: [turns his head to face Cartman] Yeah. Trains and stagecoaches don't go to my camp.[turns back to the video game]
Cartman: No, they don't, but... you can use cinematic mode to make it easier on yourself.
Jenkins: [stops, then looks at him, startled, then sits up] What the hell are you talking about?
Scene Description: South Park Community Center, evening. Several corpses lie on the ground, and a couple of small fires blaze nearby as an ambulance rushes by. Inside, Hugh is standing on a stage, next to a projection screen, as he prepares to speak to the audience.
Hugh: All right, everyone. I realize a lot of people have died and most of the roads have been destroyed due to all the fires, so I'd like to thank you all for coming to tonight's symposium, "When Should I Start To Worry?" [On the projection screen, a picture of a blonde haired woman is shown pondering with her chin in her hand, along with the caption, "When should I start to worry?"] I'd like to make this an open discussion and hope we can all participate in ways that give us better insight. Yes, Mr. Clarkson?
Mr. Clarkson: [Stands up] I'm pretty sure there's a ManBearPig and I'm fairly certain that he has eaten two of my children and destroyed our home. When should I start to worry? [sits down]
Hugh: That's an excellent question. There's definitely evidence that all the death and destruction around us is due to a ManBearPig.
Townsman: [stands up and interjects] But no exact correlation to a ManBearPig!
Hugh: Definitely not, and that's why we're all here, to pinpoint, "When Should I Start To Worry?"
Stephen: [stands up]I think that the time to start worrying is coming. I don't know if I believe in ManBearPig or not, but I do know that I'm open to the idea of starting to worry. [he gets some applause and then sits down]
Hugh: I think Stephen echoes a lot of our feelings right now.
Scene Description: South Park Community Center, interior entrance. Satan bursts through the closed doors, creating a massive hole in the wall and then flings chairs everywhere, as people run away from him
Satan: Rroooowwwwwrrrrr!! [grabs a man by the collar] Foolish mortals! Your time is nigh! Face your end!
Mr. Clarkson: [raises a hand and stands up] Um, it looks like Satan is here. Should I start to worry? [he gets some applause and then sits down]
Scene Description: Tegridy Farms, night. Stan is trying to get inside. He rattles the doorknob a couple of times and then bangs on the door. Randy answers
Randy: [looks around and then looks down in shock] Stan?!
Stan: We broke out of jail, Dad.
Randy: Come on. Get out of sight. [Stan goes in, Randy closes the door]
Stan: Cartman tricked the guards. We all ran home to be with our parents. Where's mom?
Randy: Your mom's been out trying to find you a lawyer and a therapist. We've been doing all we can!
Stan: Dad, that thing we saw take Ned? It was ManBearPig. It was real!
Randy: What are you talking about? It was just a bear.
Stan: No, Dad. It's... [notices his dad's eyes switching back and forth from him to the TV] Why do you keep looking at the TV?
Randy: What? Why? I dunno? What?
Stan: [walks over to get a better look, then steps back, grabs the controller, and looks at Randy] You've been playing Red Dead Redemption?!
Randy: A little bit. I mean... when I'm not doing all this stuff for you
Stan: I thought you were working on getting me out!
Randy: Sorry, I needed a little break!
Stan: You're all the way to St. Denis?! That's like 40 hours of gameplay! How could you uh! Are you high right now?!
Randy: I'm a little high, yes!
Stan: Oh my God!
Randy: Oh what?! I'm sorry! I'm sorry that I need to decompress with all this shit going on!
Stan: I can't believe you would get high and play video games while your son is in jail! You're such an asshole!
Randy: [gets in his face] Well at least I'm not a school shooter!
Stan: [walks up to him] It wasn't me! It was a demon named ManBearPig! [gives him the controller]
Randy: Oh whatever! [goes to the sofa and sits down, and begins playing] "ManBearPig! ManBearPig!" You sound like your freakin' grandpa!
Stan: Yeah, because I learned a lot about-! [stops himself] Whoa whoa, what are you talking about I sound like Grandpa?
Randy: He had been talking about ManBearPig comin' since I was fuckin' 14. Nothin' new.
Stan: [turns away] Someone made a deal with it... a long time ago.
Randy: Do you know how to craft stamina tonics? [Stan glares back at Randy]
Scene Description: The Broflovski Residence, night. Kyle comes in from the backyard through the sliding door. The house is dark, so he looks around carefully
Kyle: Mom? [goes to the living room] Dad? [walks upstairs to the master bedroom, opens the door, and looks in, then closes it. He goes to his room and sits on his bed. He looks up] I don't know if you can hear me. I-I feel so alone right now. I-I feel like the whole world is falling apart and somehow I'm supposed to do something but... I don't know what that is anymore. [the window lights up]
Gore: [a ghostly image on the window] Fear not. Do not give up on yourself. You must keep believing.
Kyle: Mr. Gore? Where have you been?!
Gore: It's me. Al Gore.
Kyle: Yeah. Where have you been?!
Gore: You cannot lose faith, my child, even though everyone is ripping on you. Even though they don't believe you and they're saying you're just seeking attention because you lost the Presidency. You have to be strong!
Kyle: Well what happened to you? Are you dead or something?
Gore: No! not dead! Just merely using a flashlight on the glass to apply the Pepper's ghost technique.
Kyle: What, what? [turns around] Oh, god damn it. [Gore turns off the flashlight and turns on the bedroom light]
Gore: You see my point? Things aren't always as they appear. You have to stay strong, my little crusader.
Kyle: I can't do this alone. I need help.
Gore: I did, too. Didn't get it.
Kyle: What more do you want from me?? I've atoned for my mistake. I'm sorry that we were getting a lot of different information at the time. You know, even you were wrong about a lot of the things you said would happen a-
Gore: [puts his hand to his ear] What's that?
Kyle: Nothing. I didn't mean-
Gore: See you later, alligator. [turns and walks out.]
Kyle: [gives chase] No, no, no, no! I'm sorry! [follows him down the stairs] I am sorry, please! I'm cereal! Ah, I didn't mean to say you were wrong, just that some of your predictions didn't happen-
Gore: Oh yeah, you're real cereal. [they reach the front door. Gore opens it and is about to step out]
Kyle: Please, please, please! [Gore turns to look at him] I'll do anything! I just want everyone to be safe!
Gore: All I was doing was trying to be your mentor. You know who my mentor was? Me! Al Gore!
Scene Description: Outside the doorway, a chiming sound is heard as the spirit version of Al Gores fades in and stands on the sidewalk
Spirit Gore: Hello, Al Gore.
Gore: [gasps as he looks at his spirit] It's him! Just in time, too. Thanks for coming in my time of crisis, Al Gore! [closes the door. Kyle just stands there looking at it.]
Scene Description: Jared, day. The building is covered with blood and police tape and has damaged windows. There are several bodies scattered all over the place. One officer puts up roadblocks, another takes notes. In the background, Yates surveys the damage with other officers and a group of forensic scientist in lab coats.
Officer 7: Sorry to call you down, sir, but this is a bad one.
Yates: Oh no, that's fine. [takes out a pack of cigarettes and taps it on his wrist. He then pulls one out and returns the pack to his shirt pocket.] I finally arrest four school shooters and can play some Red Dead Redemption, and then I get a call about another school shooting. [takes out a lighter and lights up his cigarette.]
Officer 7: This one really doesn't look like a school shooting, sir. Five different witnesses say it was definitely... ManBearPig.
Yates: God damn it! There's no such thing as a ManBearPig! [The scientists and officers stop examining the scene and look at Yates] You got that?? We're working with facts here, not goofball theories!
Officer 7: Yea, but sir, all the forensic scientists say there are bear and pig footprints-
Yates: Fuck scientists! [The scientists and officers stop again and look at Yates] Why are you trying to figure out what's going with scientists?! The only thing I want to know is who committed this school shooting, since our school-shooting suspects are in jail!
Officer 1: Detective! [runs into view] Detective, we just got word from the station. The four shooting suspects broke out a while ago.
Yates: Oh well, there you go! It was them again! Gee, I didn't need any freakin' scientists to figure that out, did I?! Get 'em outta here! [the forensic scientists are escorted away] Now how the fuck did those kids break out of my jail?!
Officer 1: Jenkins said they tricked him. Said they could show him a way to fast-travel in Red Dead Redemption by upgrading his camp, and then they just took off.
Yates: [in a low voice] There's a way to fast-travel if you upgrade your camp? [thinks a moment] Jesus... [puts his hand on the back of the officer and then looks around as they take a few steps forward] You'd better start from the beginning.
Scene Description: Shady Acres Retirement Community, exterior. evening
Scene Description: Shady Acres Retirement Community, interior. Commons area. A group of elderly residents are sitting down and watching the news on the television set.
Reporter: [off screen] More damage and destruction today as the death toll rises to the hundreds. [the reporter is now shown, standing in front of a Denny's that is covered in blood and has police tape around it.] Some see this as evidence ManBearPig might be real, while others say ManBearPig is a fabrication for political gains- [ManBearPig comes up from behind and attacks the reporter. Marvin Marsh is focused on the report]
Stan: [off screen] Grandpa?! [Marvin sits up with his jaw dropped as Stan comes into view a few feet behind him.] What did you do?
Marvin: Oh, Billy. [chuckles] My grandson come to visit.
Stan: This isn't the first time ManBearPig has shown up, is it?! What happened?!
Marvin: Billy, I have Alzheimer's. I don't even remember what happened this morning.
Stan: Cut the shit, Grandpa! You people knew! You made a deal with that thing!
Margaret: We thought we'd be dead by now. We didn't think we'd have to live to see the consequences.
Marvin: Aw, great! Just tell the whole world, Margaret! [zips past her in his wheelchair]
Stan: [follows him down the dorm hallway] Why did you old people make a deal?!
Marvin: We had a right to be happy too, you know?!
Stan: And you just signed away the future?!
Marvin: We didn't want to have to give the demon his stuff back!
Stan: What stuff?!
Marvin: All our cars [turns his wheelchair around], and premium boutique ice cream.
Stan: You couldn't control yourselves, so now that thing is here to kill all of us! Good fuckin' job, Grandpa!
Scene Description: Broflovski Residence, backyard, night. Cartman and Kenny pound on the sliding door. Kyle opens up
Cartman: Kyle, come on. We've gotta go.
Kyle: Go where?
Cartman: I had a vision, Kyle. Al Gore's ghost visited me.
Kyle: Al Gore isn't dead.
Cartman: Well his ghost visited me, Kyle. He said he had a plan, and we needed to go. Are you in or not?
Kenny: (Yeah, are you in or not?) [Kyle stays silent]
Scene Description: The woods, night. Cartman, Kyle, and Kenny walk through it in the dark. Cartman has the flashlight
Kyle: We shouldn't be out here. We're wanted by the police. [some growling and howling is heard, with the sound of cracking branches]
Cartman: Shhh. What was that?
Kenny: (Sounds like a fuckin' werewolf!)
Cartman: This is where Al Gore told me to go. [more growling is heard as Cartman moves his flashlight around]
Kenny: (What the fuck is that?!) [points to something. Satan jumps into the beam of light with a display of might]
Kyle: It's Satan.
Cartman: What are you doing here, Satan?
Satan: I was told to come here by the spirit of Al Gore.
Cartman: Us too. But why? [The spirit of Al Gore suddenly appears and floats next to Kyle]
Spirit Gore: Remember... even though I am gone, you must still work together.
Kyle: Work together how??
Spirit Gore: I'm not talking to you. I'm talking to the ones who are actually cereal. [to the others] You cannot lose hope. There is still much you need to know.
Scene Description: The Yates house. Harrison arrives and is about to open his front door when he hears a shooting and screams, then the sound of a galloping horse. He then knows what's going on.
Yates: Oh, you'd better not- [goes inside and throws his hat and jacket down] You bitch! [Maggie squeals in fright and stands up] You're playing Red Dead Redemption, aren't you?!
Maggie: [angrily] So what of it?!
Yates: What did I tell you about playing on my saved game, Maggie?!
Maggie: No! No, this is my life now, Harrison Yates! I started over, with me own saved game!
Yates: What are you talking about?!
Maggie: See for yourself. [puts the game controller in his hand] You and all your talk o'wantin' your own life! I wanted somethin' new too! [walks behind Yates to his left side, as he begins to check out the stats] I started over in the snow and worked my way up to the new gang leader! I have thousands of dollars o'me own! [walks behind Yates to his right side]I built a house with John Marston! I'm helpin' his family now!
Yates: [steps forward and presses some buttons] You fucking slut!
Maggie: [turns and points her finger into Yates' face]That's right, Harrison Yates! And what have you got?! [walks behind Yates to his left side] A basic starter horse and the $20 gambler's that you won at a poker match! I'm twice the man you are now!
Yates: Don't you talk to me like that!
Maggie: I'll talk however I want! [walks behind Yates to his right side] I've completed every hunting side mission! Found seven legendary animals! [crosses her arms over her chest]
Yates: Found them where?!
Maggie: I'm not tellin'! You wanted your now life and now you got it! [walks out of the room]
Yates: Maggie! [breaks down onto his knees and weeps] Nwaaahahahahaha...
Scene Description: In the woods at night, Spirit Gore has been speaking to the boys and Satan
Gore: And in conclusion, let me just say that you are the future. You cannot give up hope. I brought you all together because I believe in you.
Scene Description: The boys and Satan are sitting on a log. Satan looks rather bored while the boys try to understand what Spirit Gore is saying.
Cartman: Okay, but what do you want us to-?
Spirit Gore: And sometimes, believing is all that we need to be cereal. [disappears. Suddenly, a set of end credits roll in his place with Al Gore credited for everything, showing that this was pre-taped]
Kyle: Credits? [some clapping is heard. The boys turn around and see Al Gore by a movie projector]
Gore: Did you guys like my movie?
Cartman: What are you doing?
Gore: Exactly. I'm trying to get you to ask "What would Al Gore do?"
Spirit Gore: Make a movie starring you.
Gore: Yes, to get you all to not give up. To get you to fight!
Satan: [to Gore as he walks away from the log] You don't understand. There is no fight. [turns to the boys] A deal was made. We do not know by whom. But this demon has grown stronger, and no mortal can do anything to stop it.
Cartman: [gets off the log] No mortal. But what about you?
Satan: Why would I help mankind?
Cartman: Satan, come on. Are you really gonna stand there and not say you appreciate all the nice things humans have done for you lately? I mean, not sure if you've noticed, but we're pretty much doing things your way up here
Satan: [turns around again and contemplates] I... must admit, people up here on Earth have been doing a lot of my work for me lately. Maybe... maybe it is time I did something for them.
Scene Description: A picture frame is shown, being held up by a pair of small hands. Inside, a picture of a younger Marvin Marsh, smiling and sitting in the driver's seat of a 1978 Pontiac Firebird Trans Am and holding a triple scoop of ice cream in his left hand.
Marvin: [off screen] We were all young and foolish back then, Billy. We didn't think about the future. We just wanted things. [Stan is the one holding the picture while Marvin is looking out the window in his room] This creature shows up, and it seemed like a good deal for everyone in town.
Stan: [puts the frame down and turns to Marvin] You didn't stop to think about what it would mean for us?
Marvin: [turns his wheelchair around to face Stan] Aw Billy, it's not that simple. We thought about it. But our town was so tiny back then. We just, we wanted nice things other people had.
Stan: And you didn't give two shits what it would mean for your grandchildren.
Marvin: I didn't think I'd have grandkids. I didn't even want children. That's why I always came on Gram Gram's tits.
Stan: [closes his eyes] Aaaah.
Marvin: But then, one night, I'm having sex with your grandma, and she sticks her finger in my ass. She had sometimes licked my ass before, [Stan looks at him in disbelief] but this was the first time she used her finger, and I came inside her like that. [slaps his left hand with his right] I pulled out and your grandma was like "Did you just come in me?", and I was like "Well, you stuck your finger in my ass." And that's basically why you're here, Billy.
Stan: This is supposed to make me feel better?
Marvin: I'm just saying that I wasn't thinking about the future because your father was supposed to be nothing but dried-up crust on Gram Gram's titties.
Stan: You... people... made a deal with ManBearPig! How?! Where?!
Marvin: It doesn't matter, Billy. It's too late now.
Stan: Tell me how the deal happened so that I can try to make it go away!
Scene Description: Downtown South Park, night. People are running all over the place and screaming. ManBearPig chases after them.
Townsman 2: [running] No! No! [ManBearPig catches him, tears into him, and bites into his back]
Satan: [offscreen] ManBearPig! [approaches ManBearPig slowly, deliberately, like a sheriff in the Old West. He roars. ManBearPig roars back and faces Satan. They run at each other. ManBearPig leaps onto a car and swipes at Satan, sending him to the ground. The impact sets off car alarms. Satan gets up and turns around. They run at each other again. ManBearPig throws Satan into a building, but Satan bounces right back. They grapple for a few seconds, but ManBearPig grabs Satan's left horn and rips it off] Aaaargh!!! [ManBearPig drives the horn into Satan's chest] Aaaaarch!!! [ManBearPig grabs Satan and throws him to the ground, then punches him a few times. ManBearPig delivers one last left hook and runs away. Satan coughs as townspeople gather around. The boys run up just in time to see him die]
Kyle: Satan!
Satan: [weakly] H-hey. Hey kids. [coughs] I'm sorry.
Kyle: [he and the other boys are starting to tear up] No. Satan, you can't die.
Satan: Everyone dies. I just wish I could have helped you. [coughs again] Oh God, it hurts.
Cartman: We can't do this without you, Satan.
Satan: You have to. You have to keep trying.
Kyle: If you can't stop ManBearPig, how can we be-??
Satan: You have to keep trying!! [coughs] You... have to believe. [grunts and then finally succumbs to his injuries]
Kenny: (No...)
Townsman 3: Satan's dead. [a bell tolls]
Kyle: Come back. Come back. [a light appears around Satan's body, and his spirit rises from it. As he rises to Heaven, a small bell tolls and he gets angel wings and a halo.]
Satan: [softly] Goodbye.
Kyle: [tears streaming from his face] Dude, this is pretty fucked up right here.
Scene Description: A new show appears on TV
Hugh: And now, on Park County Public access, "Should We Start To Worry?" with your host, Jim Kimble.
Jim: As our town continues to burn to the ground, Satan has been slaughtered and sent to Heaven. Should we start to worry? Joining me now, an expert on our county resources and preparedness, Alec Vaughn. Alec, should we start to worry?
Alec: Jim, I think we should definitely consider starting to worry. Satan was one of the most powerful entities, supposedly, in the universe, and ManBearPig annihilated him like a bitch. I don't think we should waste any more time underestimating the importance of beginning to think about starting to worry.
Jim: Also joining us is the former Vice-President, Al Gore. Mr. Gore, do you think it's time for us to deliberate the process of starting to worry?
Spirit Gore: If by worrying you mean getting cereal, then an empathic "YES."
Guest: I don't think there's any more room for not considering underestimating the importance of beginning to start the process of mulling over the conceptualization of starting to worry. And the time to do it is... very soon.
Gore: [walks behind the host's chair] Hey, what are you doing?
Spirit Gore: I'm being a spiritual mentor. These people are depending on me.
Gore: No, they're depending on me! I'm depending on you, goofball!
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, exterior, night. Two mangled bodies lay on the sidewalk as a flaming car with people screaming inside rolls by. Faint sirens are heard nearby
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, 4th grade classroom. Kyle looks down from a classroom window. Cartman and Kenny sit at their desks in the empty classroom.
Kyle: [leaves the window] All right, looks like we're clear.
Cartman: I can't believe it's the weekend, and I'm at school!
Kyle: This is the best place to hide.
Cartman: Why? Of all the places we could hide, why do I have to sit here in school?!
Kenny: (Yeah!)
Kyle: Where's the last place anyone would think we would hide? The scene of our supposed crime, dummies! We're safe here.
Cartman: I'd rather be in jail than at school. [the doorknob sounds]
Kenny: (Oh shit!)
Stan: [opens the door and looks in] Guys? Guys!
Kyle: Stan!
Stan: Guys, thank God! Just stay right there, Grandpa! [Marvin sits in his wheelchair in the middle of the school hallway, looking bitter] I know all about the deal. I know what we have to do.
Kyle: How'd you find us here?
Stan: I figured you guys would be hiding somewhere. This is the first place I thought to look.
Kenny: [arms folded] (Uh huh!)
Cartman: Yeah, I guess we're dummies, huh Kenny?
Kenny: (Yeah, I guess we're dummies.)
Stan: Guys, listen: my stupid grandpa and a bunch of other old people made the deal with ManBearPig. It's here because of their greediness.
Marvin: [from the hallway] Everyone's greedy!
Stan: Shut up, Grandpa! I know where to go, but I need your help. I'm going to face ManBearPig and put an end to this deal.
Cartman: Are you crazy? We just saw ManBearPig take down Satan. What the hell are we supposed to do against it?
Stan: We have to try. [police sirens are heard approaching]
Officer 8: Attention school shooters... again. [the boys head to the window and look out through it]
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, exterior, night. A group of armed SPPD officers stand outside the school. A few townspeople stop to observe.
Officer 8: We have you surrounded... again. Come out with your hands up!
Cartman: [Looking at Kyle who is peaking through the window blinds] We just sat in school... for nothing!
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, front entrance, night. A spotlight is pointed to the front entrance doors. The boys soon come out with Marvin
Stan: Listen! We know what to do now!
Officer 8: Drop to the ground and put your hands on your heads!
Stan: No! I need to face ManBearPig!
Officer 8: We have orders! You're coming with us!
Yates: Belay those orders! [the officers look left. Yates approaches the boys and Marvin. He then paces back and forth in front of the spotlight.] I've been a fool, denying ManBearPig's existence, and I didn't realize it till I went home. My wife... had started a new life without me.. I wanted to give up, but instead, I robbed a bank at St. Denis and a went to an island north of Cuba. [the townspeople look at each other] After I came back, that's when it all caught up with me. All the stagecoaches I had robbed, all the horses I had stole, for what?! [the police officers are shown listening to Yates] We're nothing if we don't believe in each other! And Goddamnit, it's never too late to start trying to do the right thing. You think you know what that is, boys?
Stan: Yes I do. We're going to face ManBearPig and put an end to this deal once and for all.
Scene Description: A courtroom office, day. A lawyer has paperwork set out for the boys to sign
Lawyer: Okay, [lifts up some pages in the packet and highlights some lines] sign here and here. [hands the paperwork to Stan] These documents state merely that you've been granted power of attorney by your town and that you wish to attempt to void the current agreement.
Stan: 'Kay.
Lawyer: Since this is a renegotiation, [highlights more text on another set of documents] you agree that ManBearPig has right to compensation for termination, and you will give up all rights to specified assets. [hands the paperwork to Stan]
Stan: Yes. Yes, we agree to give back cars and ice cream. [ManBearPig grumbles off screen]
Lawyer: Uh, let me confer with my client. [ManBearPig is now shown sitting next to the lawyer, wearing a business suit and grunts quietly] Uh huh. Got it. Yes. My client says that he- [ManBearPig grunts quietly] 'Kay. [ManBearPig grunts some more] Uh, mm-hmm. ManBearPig has no interest in you giving up cars and ice cream.
Kyle: Well, what's he want everyone to give up?
Scene Description: The Park County Courthouse, exterior, day. A large crowd awaits the results of the negotiation
Townsman 4: There! There he is! There he is!
Townsman 5: Is it over?!
Stan: [speaking from an open window on the upper floor] Um, he says he'll never come back again, but... we have to give up soy sauce and Red Dead Redemption 2.
All: ...Ohhhhh.
Townsman 6: ...Just plain rice?
Stan: ...Yeah, that's what I thought. [goes back to the table] Um, could we possibly talk about restructuring a new deal?
Marvin: [off screen] Uh huh! Uh huh! [sitting at the edge of the table]
Stan: No, no. Just like, um, can we do, like, a renegotiation?
Lawyer: All right, sign here and here [lifts up some of the pages on a new set of documents and highlights some text] that you are entering a renegotiation with ManBearPig. [hands the paperwork to Stan]
Stan: Where do I sign that?
Lawyer: Right there.
Stan: Okay.
Marvin: Yeah, I thought so. [the camera zooms out to show a wider angle of the room]
Stan: Shut up, Grandpa!
Scene Description: The Park County Courthouse, exterior, day. the camera continues to zoom out and shows more of the crowd waiting outside while the parties continue to negotiate off screen.
Lawyer: And sign here that ManBearPig has rights to the lives of all the children in Third World countries.
Stan: 'Key, got it.
Lawyer: And you agree to ignore ManBearPig until he returns in five years, in which time the carnage will be a thousand-fold.
Stan: 'Kay, where do I sign that?