Scene Description: Wall-Mart, night. The boys are in the sporting goods section if the store. Kenny looks at bats while Cartman looks at gloves. Stan and Kyle look at other things across the aisle.
Stan: You find a good catcher's mitt, Cartman?
Cartman: [looks over his left shoulder] Dude, how come when we play baseball I always have to be the catcher? [looks at the gloves again]
Kyle: Well, because you got good coordination, sharp reflexes, and you're fucking fat.
Cartman: [turns left to address Kyle] I'm not fat, Kyle.
Kyle: Right, you're not fat.
Cartman: Dude, I'm not fat! I don't drive around on a mobility scooter like that bitch! [they see a scooter rolls past them with an obese man on it]
Stan: Whoa duude!
Kyle: Jesus Christ, you can't even walk down an aisle to get your candy? [another obese man rolls up behind them]
Obese man: Excuse me. [They just look up at him] Excuse me! [they part the aisle for him - Stan, Cartman and Kenny take the side with the gloves on it, Kyle takes the other side,]
Cartman: See what I mean? You can't even walk around a Wall-Mart anymore without getting run over by some fat dick on a Rascal.
Kyle: Why do they even allow those things in stores?
Stan: They don't just allow them, they have them available at the front. [Indeed, a small fleet of them are available for rent, at $19.99 each. They're labeled as electric wheelchairs. Obese people are in line as one after another of them rents a Rascal. The boys turn a corner to have a look at the Rascals as they're being rented]
Kyle: You've gotta be kidding me!
Cartman: [eyes some Oreos and goes for them] Oh my God you guys, look at this! [grabs a box and reads it] Candy Corn Oreos. Oreos with candy corn filling. [closes his eyes and looks up joyfully] Holy hell yes!
Kyle: Are you serious?? Look around: doesn't this bother you at all?? [an obese man and an obese woman squeeze past each other in an aisle on their scooters.] That's YOU one day, fatass![Stan and Kenny leave] Not even one day! If you don't change something, that's you! In about a year! [turns and follows Stan and Kenny away. Cartman is left alone with the Oreos and his thoughts]
Obese lady: [rolls up in her Rascal] Are those Candy Corn Oreos?
Cartman: Yeah... Yeah, here you go. [walks over, tosses them into her basket, and walks away with his head down]
Scene Description: Cartman walks through town. He stops by a large window to look at himself, then walks on. Later he shows up at Kyle's house, and Kyle answers the door
Cartman: Hey Kyle, can I come in for a second?
Kyle: Why? [his eyebrows move to odd positions every so often]
Cartman: [walks in] I've been... doing a lot of thinking... about what you said at Wall-Mart. [stops] You're right Kyle. I'm fat. [sighs] All these years you tell me and me saying "No, I'm big-boned" or "no, that's just muscle"... It was always just me living in denial. I'm fucking fat, Kyle. I'm fucking fat as fucking fuck.
Kyle: Cartman, uh, all I was trying to tell you at Wall-Mart was that you-
Cartman: [turns around] No! It's okay, Kyle... because... I'm not gonna live like some... slug who can't even leave his house 'cause he can't get around. Now that I can admit I'm fat, I decided to finally do something about it. [walks out of the house. Kyle is puzzled. Moments later, Cartman returns on a Rascal and rolls on into Kyle's living room] Sweeeeeeeeeet!
Kyle: [angrily] Oh no!
Cartman: Don't know what took me so long, dude. All I needed was a few extra pounds and the insurance company paid for my own private one! See? It's got a basket on the front for my candy corn Oreos. [begins to ride in a circle around Kyle]
Kyle: You don't need that! Get off of it.
Cartman: [stops] Dude, it's sweet. Did you know they make access for mobility scooters everywhere? I can seriously go from my bed to Wall-Mart and never have to touch the floor, once. [rides away]
Kyle: That's not what I meant by doing something about it, Cartman!
Cartman: [reaches the restroom and tries to get it, but the base is too wide] Hmm. [tries again. Kyle catches up] I can't. [tries again] I can't seem to get into your bathroom, Kyle. [tries again]
Kyle: What??
Cartman: Yeap. No, this is the problem, Kyle. [tries again] You've gotta make your bathroom accessible for my mobility scooter or else I won't be able to take a shit in your house. [tries again]
Kyle: So take a shit somewhere else!
Cartman: That's not the way this country works, Kyle. [tries again] Your bathroom has to be to code for my mobility scooter. [tries again] It's the law.
Gerald: [arrives] What's going on down here?
Cartman: [tries again] Can't seem to be able to take a dump in your house, Mr. Broflovski. Doesn't appear to be handicap-accessible. [tries again] I'll look past it this time, but you'd better get that bathroom up to code of you don't want a lawsuit. [backs out and prepares to leave] Well, I'm off to go try to take a shit at Best Buy, guys. See you, Kyle. [rolls away. Kyle looks on angrily]
Scene Description: Cartman rides through town looking self-satisfied while music plays in the background
Cartman: ["Nobody understands how embarrassing it is to live with obesity." He rides past a couple] Out of the way. Out of the way please. ["Wherever you go, you're treated differently" He arrives at a Denny's]
Greeter: Uhh I guess take that big booth by the window. [Cartman goes towards the booth and grins]
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Cartman's soliloquy continues. "You're made to feel different. To feel like less of a person." While the boys are in the gym tossing basketballs at each other, Cartman rides around in the hall outside, grinning all the while. Next, Cartman holds up traffic while riding his Rascal. "I feel so much shame, all I can do is try to make myself feel a little better by flying to Disneyland on the weekend."
Ticket teller: Okay, we're finally gonna start with pre-boarding. Anyone needing special assistance getting on the aircraft- Oh...
Cartman: Coming through. Oh how humiliating. [now at the Jungle Cruise at Disneyland: "But even at Disneyland I get reminded of my weight." He rolls into the short line] Scuse me. Gotta go to the front of the line. Oh what shame I feel. [reaches the front of the line] Oh jeez, look how fat I am. I'm just mortified, you guys. Can't believe I have- [finds a line of other scooter riders in front of him] Ay! The fuck is this?! There's a wait for the Rascal line?! He-hay! That kid in the middle isn't even fat! Look at him! He's got no right to be on a Rascal! You're not fooling anybody asshole! Walk to the back of the line!
Legless boy: I don't have legs.
Cartman: Yeah, well you got skinny arms! [Later on, Cartman rolls through Cinderella's Castle. "And then even Disneyland can't take away the shame, as all the people suffering from obesity are ignored. Like, we're invisible." A woman's baby carriage gets in the way and she quickly pulls it back as Cartman rolls towards the exits] 'Scuse me. Move it.
Scene Description: A courtroom, day. Cartman has been explaining things to the judge at the witness stand... on his Rascal.
Cartman: And so to go through all that, your honor, to go through all the shame and daily ridicule, and then not to be able to take a simple shit at Best Buy? [chokes up and begins to sob] At Best Buy I'm sorry. [At the defense table sits a Best Buy employee, looking around] To be told by some Best Buy manager that your mobility scooter can't fit in his bathroom? [reaches for a long-handled grip with his left hand, then uses it to take a tissue from the judge's bench. He grabs the tissue with his right hand and lowers the grip, then blows his nose] Oh God, excuse me! It's just so belittling, you know? All I wanted to do was take a dump, your honor. After all I've been through, can't I just take a dump at Best Buy?
Scene Description: News 4 segment.
Anchor: More lawsuits today as people on mobility scooters claim they have nowhere to poo. Property owners are being ordered to modify their bathrooms, costing taxpayers millions. Opponents of the measure are expressing their outrage by engaging in the act of Rascal tipping.
Obese man 2: [being jostled in his Rascal by a group of boys] Stop it you kids! sto- Oop- Owww.[the boys succeed in tipping him over and the man is on his side unable to get up. The kids laugh and scatter, and the man begins to sound like a pig] Weak! Weak!
Anchor: The government warns that Rascal tipping can be dangerous, and may lead to fat people shitting their pants as they kick and scream on the floor. To counter the crisis, the Department of Health has called for $25 million in aid, so that all mobility scooters can be fitted with a tip assist device. [The device is shown, and it resembles a telescoping cane]
Scene Description: South Park Elementary gymnasium, day. Two workers are installing the tip assist device on Cartman's Rascal. Cartman is on his Rascal, and they're both on their sides. When the workers finish, he activates the device, which rights him up
Cartman: Oh yeah, it's nice. Yeah, that works pretty well. [facing him is the rest of the fourth grade class]
Kyle: You have got to be kidding me!
Cartman: What, Kyle?! [the device then collapses and puts itself away]
Kyle: We should not be wasting time and money making sure Cartman's fat scooter can't be tipped over!
Cartman: [rolls up to him] You condone Rascal-tipping, Kyle?! Do you know that all over our country people in mobility scooters are being victimized?!
Kyle: So get off your fucking scooters and pick them up!
Cartman: Oh! Oh, did you hear him?! [rolls back to the workers] This is exactly what Adele is talking about! [begins to pace back and forth] Our culture celebrates anorexia and tries to make us ashamed if we don't have slim stomachs and perky little tits like Kyle! [rolls up to Kyle] Well I for one am gonna stop feeling ashamed just because Kyle throws up in the bathroom six times a day [rolls away] to make sure he looks good on his magazine covers! [rolls back up to Kyle] You should be ashamed of YOURself, Kyle! Eating your latkes and gefilte fish and then putting your fingers down your throat because society tells you how to look! [rolls to the far end of the gum] I'm not feeling shamed anymore! From now on, I'm gonna shop sitting down and skip to the front of the lines with my head held high! Just because someone needs a mobility scooter doesn't mean they're an ignorant piece of white trash, Kyle! I may be fat, but I'm not Honey Boo Boo!
Kyle: Who's Honey Boo Boo?
Stan: Dude, you've never seen Honey Boo Boo?
Scene Description: A trophy room. Honey Boo Boo is showing off her trophies from the various beauty pageants she's won
Honey Boo Boo: My name's Honey Boo Boo and I'm a beauty queen, bitches. [at a pageant, onstage, dressed to win] I'm fat as a whale and I don't give two shits, girl!
Mama: Her favorite foods are sketti and butter, and she likes drinkin' Red Bull and Mountain Dew.
Honey Boo Boo: [back in her trophy room] I'm only six and I've already had three heart attacks, girlfriend!
Mama: [at a pageant, performs some chest compressions on Honey] Come on! Come on now, Boo Boo! [Honey Boo Boo comes to] Now get up and wave to them judges! [later on, to the camera] We ain't got no shame about our weight, 'cause our weight makes us sassy. [Stan and Kyle are watching the show in Stan's living room. Kyle gets up and walks off]
Kyle: Jesus, dude. W-w-what happened? It's like, something's lowered the bar to the point that nobody feels any shame anymore.
Stan: Well, dude, it's not like the bar is this actual, physical thing.
Scene Description: At sea, day, there's the U.S.S. James Cameron, with James Cameron on the bridge
James Cameron: This is it! Throttle down!
A crewman: [voice only] Throttle down! [Cameron leaves the bridge and goes on deck, putting on a diving suit]
Crewman 1: Mr. Cameron, you don't have to do this! Why don't you just go back to your house in Malibu? Go work on another movie?
James Cameron: I have to do this! I have to try and raise it!
Crewman 1: The bar isn't something that actually lowers, Mr. Cameron.
James Cameron: Then how do you explain all the fat people on mobility scooters? [points at him] How do YOU account for... Honey Boo Boo? The bar has been lowered to depths we can't even fathom. If anyone can go down there and raise it back, it's ME. [puts on some gloves and gets into a bathysphere. He closes the hatch and locks himself in] Let her go! [two workers pull down the release switches in unison. The crane releases the bathysphere and... it hits the deck below. It rolls to one side towards the edge and then drops off. Under the water, as it sinks, Cameron gets to work] UV lights on. Pressure system is normal. Music, on.
Singers: His name is James (James) Cameron, the bravest pioneer. No budget too steep no sea too deep Who's that? It's him! James Cameron.
James Cameron: Systems are normal. You guys hearing the song okay up there?
Singers: James (James) Cameron, explorer of the sea
Crewman 1: Yes, James, we hear the song.
James Cameron: Descending to one thousand feet. I don't see the bar yet. Looks like it must have sunk pretty low.
Singers: With a dying thirst to be the first. Could it be? Yeah it's him. James Cameron.
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day, hallway. The fourth grade boys need to use the restroom. Kyle is pounding at the door, which has been locked from inside
Kyle: Come on, hurry it up in there! [inside, a toilet and the two urinals have been removed to make room for the wheelchair-accessible toilet. Cartman rolls up the ramp to get to the toilet]
Cartman: Oh yeah, that's good. That's accessible now. Cool, let me try to take a shit in this real quick. [gets off the Rascal]
Kyle: [starting to fume, steps away from the crowd] This has gone far enough! [the other boys turn to look at him] How can we make people see the difference between being sensitive to obesity and letting fat people walk all over us?!
Token: Yeah, what we need is something to raise awareness.
Kyle: Yeah! We've gotta raise people's awareness!
Token: Something like... a documentary. You know, follow Cartman around, with a video camera, and then get all his bullshit on television.
Kyle: Yeah! g'uh... A, a documentary?
Token: [walks up to Kyle] At least then we'd be voicing our concern. I mean, if you think about it, we should feel some shame for... complaining about it and not doing anything.
Kyle: You, I gu-I guess you're kinda right.
Token: Hey, tell you what: if you wanna follow Cartman around, and get a video of him, I'll pay to make it into a documentary, and get it on the air.
Kyle: Really? Thanks, dude! I'm gonna go get a video camera! [walks away smiling. Token watches him leave, then walks off in the opposite direction. The rest of the boys go back to waiting at the restroom door. Craig watches Kyle leave, then notices Token and follows him]
Craig: Hey Token. If you're gonna get Kyle to video that stuff for you, you should probably tell him the truth.
Token: He doesn't need to know the truth. Kyle will get what he wants, and so will I. [hurries away]
Scene Description: University of Colorado at Boulder. Kyle is there to present his video on obesity. He's onstage before a large audience
Kyle: Ladies and gentlemen, we have an epidemic in our country. Obesity is costing taxpayers millions, and some are taking advantage of a system that is flawed. Over the past several days I have filmed such a case, and the shocking video has been edited by my partner, Token. It is our hope that this film will cast light on a serious issue. [clicks on a remote to turn down the lights]
Scene Description: "Token Blaaaaack Productions." Token Black Prod. Presents... a montage.
Token: [voice over. Cartman is shown rolling down the street] He's chubby, [Cartman is shown at a table with lots of courses for him to go through] he's filthy [Cartman belches], and he's just a little bit nuts. [sideswipes a letter carrier and then gives him the finger] Here he is, America's newest sweetheart, Fatty Doo Doo! ["Here Comes Fatty Doo Doo" appears onscreen with a picture of Cartman on his Rascal, with his back to the camera]
Kyle: Fatty Doo Doo?
Scene Description: What appears looks more like a television pilot than a documentary. Cartman is shown going down the street in downtown South Park, then he's crossing the street on his Rascal. A car stops before it hits him. then he's eating chips in the living room on his Rascal. "The new show by Token black & Kyle Broflovski" appears, then leaves the screen as Cartman rolls down the school hallway, followed by "title song by: Randy Newman"
Scene Description: Randy Newman
Kyle: What?
Scene Description: Cartman rolls through a line of people waiting to buy movie tickets and knocks out Nelly. Then he's back at Wall-Mart getting some other chips. Then he's on the toilet trying very hard to poop. Another shot of him pooping. The crowd begins to laugh at his antics. Next he's at the dining room table waiting for his powdered doughnut pancake surprise. Kyle looks at the audience's reaction, then at the pilot, which now shows Cartman ordering some stuff from the Wendell's drive-through menu. Then it shows Cartman making a beeline for Disneyland
Randy Newman: Nobody scoots a fatty doo like you do. Scatty foo foo Patty poo poo White president, black president, I don't care. Just scoop me up some doodoo and I'll be right there. I. Only. Know. Five. Chords. Six-
Scene Description: Token's office, nicely appointed. Some loud pounding is heard on the door
Token: Come in.
Kyle: [enters and approaches the desk] What have you done?
Token: I helped you make a documentary, Kyle.
Kyle: When we said "documentary," I thought we meant 60 Minutes, not Honey Boo Boo!
Token: Kyle, Kyle, I'm trying to make compelling television.
Kyle: You got Randy Newman to do the theme song. You're not trying that hard. Token, you're a good kid. How can you sit there and collect money on a show that's about a, about a fat child killing himself?? Where's your sense of shame??
Token: [hops off his chair and walks to a window] I can remember... exactly where I was... the first time I saw Honey Boo Boo. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. A shameful, fat family eating white trash food to their death. And then I saw what network it was on: The Learning Channel. [turns around and faces Kyle] If they can feel okay about that, why can't I?
Kyle: When the bar gets lowered, Token, we all pay the price. What if Honey Boo Boo was a little black girl? Being fattened up by her mom and talking about grits and hominy?
Token: But she's not black, Kyle. She's white. [a few seconds of silence] The bar is determined by society, Kyle. And it's not something that can just be raised up. [faces the window again] Not by us, or anyone else.
Scene Description: The bathysphere. Cameron keeps descending
James Cameron: You guys seeing this?!
Crewman 1: Yes, we see, Mr. Cameron.
James Cameron: This is where the bar was just a few years ago. It was lowered here when President Clinton got a blow job in the oval office. And suddenly men who were just getting blow jobs in alleyways thought they weren't all that bad. But clearly something else has lowered the bar even more! I must go deeper! We're in the pipe, five by five.
Scene Description: Stan's house, porch. Stan sits on the steps as Kyle paces on the lawn
Kyle: I just don't know what to do. I mean, I hate Cartman with all my heart, but I can't stop feeling ashamed for taking advantage of him. But should I feel ashamed? Oh, whatever lowered the bar is not my fault. So if I kind of go with it, is it really unfair to Cartman?
Stan: I guess not, but... What is it exactly you're trying to do?
Kyle: Just, you know, make some money off him. Like Honey Boo Boo.
Stan: [alarmed, gets up and walks up to Kyle] Dude! Dude, not cool!
Kyle: What?
Stan: Haven't you heard what happened? Honey Boo Boo's heart gave out.
Kyle: [a bit shocked] What? Oh my God.
Stan: Yeah dude. It's really serious.
Scene Description: The Thompson living room. Mama talks to the camera
Mama: Well, the doctor said Honey Boo Boo needs a heart transplant. They're gonna do a surgery and put a pig heart in her, so, we're going to the ranch to pick out a hog.
Scene Description: In the car, day. Mama and Honey Boo Boo
Honey Boo Boo: [clapping] I'mm gettin' a piiig heaaart.
Scene Description: At the ranch, day.
Mama: Honey Boo Boo is gonna do pageants with a pig heart, we wanna pick a hog that has pizzazz and knows how to work it, girl!
Honey Boo Boo: I waunt that one!
Farmer: This one here? [picks up a sow near them and shows off the sow's belly] You want this one??
Honey Boo Boo: Yeah! No wait! That pig over there gave me the evil eye! I waunt that one! I waunt [squeezes her eyes closed for a second] that one!
Farmer: This one? [picks up a sow near them and shows off the sow's belly] this one right here?? Ya waunt this one??
Honey Boo Boo: I want that one's heart! It looked at me funny!
Scene Description: In the operating room. Mama describes what's going on
Mama: We've been in the OR about two hours already. I just hope when she does her pageants the judges don't take away points 'cause she's got a pig heart. [looks over her shoulder] Honey Boo Boo! [no response] Honey BOO BOO!
Honey Boo Boo: What?!
Mama: What you gonna tell them judges if they ask you about your heart?
Honey Boo Boo: I'm gonna tell them "my heart is sweeter than bacon, child!" [Mama turns back to the camera and grins]
Scene Description: The Thompson kitchen. Mama is preparing a meal for the family
Mama: Who waunts sketti and butter? [pig noises are heard and the camera pans down to show Honey Boo Boo crawling all over the floor] She got a pig heart an' now she thinks she's a pachyderm. Show 'em your scar!
Honey Boo Boo: This is myyy scaaar 'cause I got a pig heart. My scar makes me sassy, child! [blows a kiss to the camera]
Scene Description: The bathysphere, deeper now than before.
James Cameron: S. S. Cameron? This is James Cameron. I am now at... 16,000 feet. You should see the cold darkness of it all. The isolation and yet awwwe of the sea's magnitude. I have now sunk deeper than any human has ever been before! [he soon encounters another man in a diving suit]
Randy Newman: We are here in the ocean depths goin' deep deep deep- [turns around and sees the bathysphere... and its pilot] Oh hey James Cameron.
James Cameron: What the fuck?!
Randy Newman: I've been divin' in the deep and I'm feelin' so cheap.
James Cameron: You son of a bitch Newman! How did you beat me down here!
Randy Newman: I don't want anyone raisin' the bar, 'cause nobody'll hire me! Deep deep deep in the ocean. Ohhh, come on. Fight me, Cameron.
James Cameron: Alright, you son of a bitch! I'll take you to hell! [maneuvers the bathysphere's arms and lands a right punch on Newman, who falls away in slow motion]
Scene Description: Token's office, day. Kyle now has Cartman with him.
Cartman: It is a violation of my civil rights, Token, and you should be ashamed of yourself!
Kyle: I'm sorry Token, I had to tell him. His life is in danger.
Cartman: Making money off of people's handicaps! Well Token, I would like you to meet my lawyer! [the lawyer appears outside the office and tries to enter, but can't. The lawyer is on his own Rascal] As soon as he gets in here he will be handing you a cease and desist order! That show is not going to air!
Token: [waits a second] It actually aired last night.
Kyle: You found a network to buy it?
Token: Yeah, but don't worry. It didn't do so good. We got killed in the ratings by Honey Boo Boo.
Cartman: What? That little bitch beat me in the ratings?! Oh HELL NO!
Token: Well it was only our first show of the season, so you really can't-
Cartman: [begins riding around] I don't give a shit, dude! Nobody beats my ratings! Get me a plane ticket! That bitch is going down! [turns around and rides out of the office]
Scene Description: This is an outdoor event, with a wall erected behind the First Lady
Announcer: We welcome you to the First Lady's Symposium on Obesity, with your keynote speaker, Michelle Obama. [the audience applauds]
Michelle Obama: Our country is in the midst of an epidemic. Recently a very big conflict was brought to my attention. [Kyle is present, which means Cartman didn't fly alone] A conflict that illustrates without a doubt what should be our nation's number one priority. What will we do as a country? I cannot give you any easy answers. But what I can give you, is what we've all been waiting for! Honey Boo Boo versus Fatty Poo Poo! [the audience cheers loudly as the bell rings and two men pour sketti and butter onto the grass with five-gallon pots. Token is at Cartman's corner and Mama is at Honey's corner]
Cartman: [making 8's with his Rascal and itching for a fight] You're goin' down, bitch! [also in attendance are Butters, Stan, Kevin, and Craig] Nobody takes my ratings!
Token: That's good, Fatty, get pissed!
Cartman: I'm pissed!
Token: Yeah, Fatty!
Cartman: Yeah, I'm fat and I'm pissed!
Mama: [clapping] Ain't nobody can beat my Boo Boo at sketti wrestlin'! [meanwhile, Honey Boo Boo is striking poses and blowing kisses non-stop]
Michelle Obama: Let's do this! [the contestants approach each other in the center of the sketti ring as the audience cheers and applauds wildly. Cartman suddenly rushes at her and sideswipes her]
Honey Boo Boo: [falling to the ground] Ow!
Scene Description: Cartman looks back, then turns around and rides up to Honey Boo Boo as she gets up, then bumps her down again. The audience is disappointed at this. She gets up much faster this time and waits for Cartman to make his move. He rushes at her again, but she jumps onto him and delivers a flurry of punches at his face. Kyle walks around looking lost. Honey Boo Boo succeeds in knocking Cartman over and he's on his side. Honey delivers several kicks to Cartman's head and begins to squeal like a pig. The audience is cheering for Honey Boo Boo, and she responds by blowing kisses at it. Cartman rights himself up with the tip assist device
Cartman: I ain't done with you, bitch!
Man: Yeah! Tip assist!
Scene Description: The S.S. Cameron. Static fills the speakers as communication between the ship and the bathysphere is lost
Crewman 2: You think he's dead? [the first crewman wakes up]
Crewman 3: I hope so.
James Cameron: S.S. Cameron! This is James Cameron! I've found it! My God I found the bar! [the crewmen begin to stir. Soon they're all gathered at the computer monitor] Divert all power to sub systems! Two percent oxygen left! [the bethysphere rises quickly, followed by a long cable] The bar is too heavy! Aaaaagh! Come on you bitch!
Crewman 4: Well I'll be damned.
Scene Description: The symposium. Cartman is dragging Honey Boo Boo across the sketti by her hair, then lets go. Stan approaches Kyle, who's seated at a curb nearby
Stan: Dude, you okay? [Honey Boo Boo gets up, and Cartman turns back to strike her down again]
Kyle: I've been thinking, how did shamelessness get to this? [Honey Boo Boo gets up again and looks at Cartman, and he strikes her down once again] Did it start with fat people on scooters?[Honey Boo Boo gets up again, and Cartman strikes her down again] Or did the bar get lowered way before that? [Honey Boo Boo gets up again, and Cartman strikes her down again]And then I started thinking, maybe it was us. [Honey Boo Boo gets up again, and Cartman strikes her down again] I don't know, but maybe somehow, we lowered the bar, a long time ago. [Honey Boo Boo gets up again, and Cartman strikes her down again] And now we're all sittin' here in the stink of it all. [Honey Boo Boo gets up again, and Cartman strikes her down again] There's no going back, Stan. [Honey Boo Boo gets up again, and Cartman strikes her down again. Two men walk up behind Stan and Kyle, and pass by them]
Man 2: Rrrgh it's like, I can't explain it. I just suddenly feel like this isn't right. [Honey Boo Boo gets up again, and Cartman strikes her down again. Stan notices the men]
Man 3: I don't know why we were watchin' that garbage in the first place. [Honey Boo Boo gets up again, and Cartman strikes her down again]
Kyle: [catches a hint of what the men were talking about] Huh?
Aide: [Michelle Obama looks a little faint] Ms. Obama, are you, uh, ma'am? Are you okay?
Michelle Obama: Something's wrong. This... This is all wrong! [runs into the sketti ring] Stop! Everyone! What are we doing?! How can you let this happen to your daughter?!
Mama: I don't know, I... How did I let myself go like this? What have I done??
Man 4: When did we devolve into watching fat kids sketti wrestling?
Michelle Obama: We need to realize obesity is an epidemic. But it's not a disease. From now on I'm going to dedicate this administration to FIGHTING childhood obesity! [turns to Cartman and begins punching away at him]
Cartman: [amid some ows and grunts] Oh! You fucking bitch! [Michelle Obama finally punches him off his Rascal. She picks it up over her head, then smashes it into the ground, breaking it. She then kicks Cartman in the stomach for good measure.]
Token: What the hell is going on?
Kyle: I don't know. I think... we've been given another chance.
Scene Description: The S.S. Cameron, day. The bathysphere has been retrieved and the hatch opens. James Cameron climbs out of it and comes down to the deck to meet the crewmen.
Crewman 5: Hey Cameron, we can't believe it.
James Cameron: We're done here! Set course for the set of Avatar 2
Crewman 6: Mr. Cameron. [Cameron stops] People should know. How you saved us all? How you raised the bar? How will they know what a hero you are?
James Cameron: [turns around] James Cameron doesn't do what James Cameron does for James Cameron. [turns around and walks a few feet, then turns around again] James Cameron does what James Cameron does because James Cameron is... James Cameron. [the crew applauds him as he enters the bridge]
Singers: His name is James (James) Cameron, the bravest pioneer. No budget too steep no sea too deep Who's that? It's him! James Cameron.


Scene Description: The Broflovski house, night. Upstairs, Gerald and Sheila relax in bed, watching TV. Well, Gerald is, anyway, with his hands behind his head. Sheila is reading a book.
Announcer: Erectile dysfunction is a fact of life. You want to show her you love her, but you're old, and so is she. [A middle-aged man brings two cups of wine to the sofa and gives one of them to his middle-aged wife. Next, another middle-aged couple is shown in a row boat, with the husband rowing... slowly] The next time that special moment comes, don't let your sex drive fail you just because your wife looks like a shriveled prune. Fake it, with Cialis. [The Cialis logo scoots in from the right] It won't make her any harder, but it will make you not care for up to three hours. [A third couple is shown holding hands in his-and-her bathrubs on a deck... on the African savannah, with two elephants in the distance.] And then you can still have your own separate bathrub from her later on. [Gerald glances over at Sheila.]
Gerald: [Lowers his arms and leans in a bit] Hey Sheila. You feel like having some fun?
Sheila: Oh dear, did the Cialis commercial turn you on again?
Gerald: [Puts his left arm around her] How about I put on the uniform?
Sheila: [Gets excited and bashful] Oh, Gerald...
Gerald: Huh? What do you think? You know you like it.
Scene Description: Moments later, Sheila is in a negligee and puts some make up on. A knock is heard on her bedroom door and she answers it.
Sheila: Oh, hello. [Strikes a sexy pose - right arm on the door, left arm on her hip]
Gerald: UPS man. I have a ...package from Amazon for you.
Sheila: Oh, dear, but I'm barely dressed.
Gerald: If you'll just... [Whips out a signature pad and presents it to her] sign right here. [Some time later, the bedroom door is closed, the lights are out, and Gerald is really delivering it to Sheila.]
Sheila: Oh, you're so rough with me, Mr. UPS man!
Gerald: Yeah? [Spanks her] Do you like your package, ma'am? [Unknown to them, Ike is standing at the doorway looking at them]
Sheila: Oh yes!
Gerald: Huh? [Followed by a series of grunts]
Sheila: Do it harder, UPS man!
Scene Description: Ike's room, morning. Ike is at his desk crying, and he bangs his head on the desk/ Ike has been drawing something. Kyle walks by and notices
Kyle: Ike, what's the matter? [Waits a few seconds, then goes in.] Dude, you've been in here crying all morning. What's going on? [Ike finishes up and hands the sheet of paper to Kyle. Kyle looks and is suddenly alarmed. Ike has drawn a stick figure of his mom with a UPS man, with big boobs for his mom and a big penis for the UPS man. Ike goes back to crying] Oh. My. God. Ike, a-are you sure about this?
Ike: Yes! Yes!
Kyle: I-Ike, this is a big deal. You have to be absolutely, 100%-
Ike: I saw them, Kyle, I saw them!
Kyle: Oh no...
Scene Description: Stan's house, later. Kyle is in Stan's room, and Cartman and Kenny have joined them. Stan is at his desk, Kenny is on Stan's bed, Cartman is standing up
Kyle: You guys can't tell anybody, all right? Not until I figure out what to do.
Stan: Dude, what happened?
Kyle: Take a look. [Whips out the sheet of paper Ike drew upon]
Stan: What's this? [Takes the sheet and looks at it.]
Kyle: Ike found out last night. My mom's having sex with the UPS man.
Stan: Whoa!
Cartman: Dude, no way!
Kyle: Yeah dude. [Out in the hall, Randy walks by with a cup of coffee, but he hears them and stops]
Stan: But are you sure they had sex, like, "sex" sex, or they actually had sex? [Randy sees a plant nearby, quickly dumps his coffee into it, and puts the cup against Stan's door]
Kyle: Yeah dude, like, full-on. Ike saw everything. It totally makes sense now. My mom's been ordering all kinds of stuff from Amazon lately. Sometimes, sh-she doesn't even remember what she's ordered. She's probably been having sex with the UPS man for a long time.
Randy: [Barely audible] Ohhhh... [Hurries away]
Stan: Well are you gonna tell your dad?
Kyle: I don't know. I feel like I should confront my mom first. But it's so embarrassing.
Cartman: [Walks up to him] Kyle, have you stopped to think that maybe the sex wasn't consensual?
Kyle: What?
Cartman: Isn't it possible your mom was raped by the UPS man? We know nothing about this guy and he shows up to all of our houses. Think about it: what kind of sane, normal person would wanna have sex with Kyle's mom?
Stan: Cartman dude, not now.
Cartman: No, hear me out, you guys. Haven't you seen those ADT commercials? "Women these days get raped by perfectly normal-looking white guys in broad daylight." It may be too late for Kyle's mom, but I'm getting some God damned security!
Scene Description: Skeeter's Bar and Cocktails, night. Aside from Skeeter, seven men are present. Jimbo, Randy, Stuart, and Stephen are at the bar. Mr. Tucker is at a table, while Steve Black and Mr. Testaburger stand
Randy: Look, look, the thing is, do we tell Gerald, or do we just stay out of it?
Jimbo: How do you tell him? "Hey Gerald, Sorry, but the UPS man is bangin' your wife." It's really none of our business.
Stuart: If my wife was having sex with the UPS man, I'd want you guys to tell me!
Stephen: How do you know she's not? I mean, think about it: this is a guy who visits all our houses during the day, who clearly has a kind of... insatiable lust... I mean, somebody who would have sex with Kyle's mom would have sex with just about anything!
Randy: Oh, come on, he can't be trying that with all our wives?
Mechanic: Wouldn't be the first time. [The other men face him] Hyeah, there's a price to be paid with having things convenient. Used to be... a man had to go to the store to buy himself a pitcher of milk. Hyeah, but men got lazy. They wanted that milk delivered right to the door. Only problem was, the guy deliverin' that milk end sup fuckin' your wife. Sure, you had your nice cold milk delivered right to your doorstep, but your wife was gettin' pounded out like a mallard duck. [takes his hat and heads for the entrance, then turns around] And now you got your Amazon. [puts on his hat] And the milkman's come back. [turns around] And none of ya are safe. [walks away, leaving the other men stunned]
Scene Description: Cartman's house, day. A Wolf Security System truck is parked out front. In the living room, a security agent lists some things Liane and Cartman would need on their house to secure it well. Liane looks through the brochure.
Security agent: And so you'd need the motion detectors in the living room and the kitchen, the touch pads at the front and rear doors, and break-in monitors on all windows. I'm afraid those are not secure at all.
Cartman: Oh no, really?
Liane: Oh, I'm sorry, but I really don't think I can afford this.
Cartman: Mom, do you wanna get raped?! Haven't you seen their commercials?! You can get raped by a white guy these days, Mom!
Liane: Ohhh...
Security agent: Yes, unfortunately it's not enough to just be fearful of strangers these days.
Cartman: What-what do you mean?
Security agent: Well, many times, houses are burglarized by someone the victim knows.
Cartman: Oh my God, I knew it! Kyle is always taking my stuff! Just yesterday I couldn't find my iPod headphones! That sneaky little Jew!
Security agent: We realize that's a lot of money, Mrs. Cartman, but really, how much is feeling secure in your own home worth?
Cartman: Yeah Mom! There's dangerous people trying to screw us both!
Scene Description: The Marsh kitchen, morning. Randy waits at the breakfast table as Sharon washes dishes.
Sharon: Don't you need to be getting to work, Rand?
Randy: No, I think I'll uh, ...just hang out a little longer. [The doorbell rings] I'll get it. [Rises quickly and heads for the front door]
UPS man: [Holding two boxes] Hey there, looks like I got a couple of packagers from Amazon for ya.
Randy: [Warily] Oh, is that so?
UPS man: If I can just get your signature right [Whips out the signature pad] there?
Randy: [Signs the pad] Sure um... Chad, is it?
UPS man: Thad.
Randy: Thad. Nice. You um, havin' a busy day?
UPS man: Oh you know, just, tryin' to get to everyone.
Randy: Yeah I'll bet. [Gives him the pad back. Thad does a couple more things on the pad]
UPS man: [Gives Randy the packages and walks back to his truck] Well, have a good one.
Randy: Yeah, you too, Thad. [Closes the door and walks back to the kitchen. He puts the packages down on the counter next to the sink] Hey Sharon, these came for you.
Sharon: [Smiles] Ooooo, stuff from Amazon?
Randy: Yeah, w-what are they?
Sharon: You know, to be honest, I can't remember?
Randy: [In a deeper voice] You just... order stuff off of Amazon and you can't remember what?
Sharon: [Opens the larger box] Ohhh yeahyeahyeah, these are the paring knives I ordered. Sorry, I think I was a little tipsy. [puts the knives back in the box and opens the smaller box] oh, and this is the book Stan's been wanting; can you take it up to him?
Randy: Yeah, sure, 'cause... [backs out of the kitchen] people just order stuff from Amazon and... forget what they got. [goes upstairs]
Scene Description: Stan's room, moments later. Randy enters the room with Stan's book.
Randy: Stan, you got something from Amazon. [looks around and doesn't see Stan] Oh. [goes to Stan's desk and drops the book off there. He notices Ike's drawing and takes it, looks closely at it and gasps, thinking the drawing is of Sharon and the UPS man] Ooohhh shit.
Scene Description: Cartman's house, afternoon. Cartman comes home from school and sets off the alarm upon entering
Cartman: Oh fuck. [Goes to the touchpad by the door to shut it off] Oh what's the- God damn it! [The phone rings and he goes to answer it. He puts his left index finger in his left ear to hear from the right ear better] Hello?
Scene Description: Wolf Security Systems, afternoon. It's a very nice office, but only one operator is there taking calls. Whenever the camera is on him, or on one of his colleagues later on, it moves around him to the left or right, never losing focus
Jeff: This is Jeff with Wolf Home Security. Is everything all right?
Cartman: Uh yeah, sorry, I live here, I just, I can't remember the code to turn off the alarm!
Jeff: That's okay. Do you have your security pass phrase you can tell me?
Cartman: Oh yeah yeah, my pass phrase is... Kyle is a dirty no-good Jew. [Thinks a moment] No wait, Kyle is a no-good lying Jew.
Jeff: Okay, I've got something a little different here.
Cartman: Uhhh, it is My friend Kyle is a no-good dirty...? Hang on, I've got it written down here somewhere.
Jeff: No problem.
Cartman: Sorry about this.
Jeff: It's all right, it happens all the time.
Cartman: 'Kay, thanks, I... Wait! Hang on a second! What do you mean "That's all right"! What if I was somebody trying to rape my mom?!
Jeff: You want to rape your mom?
Cartman: [Liane appears at the top of the stairs and becomes coming down, but stops to hear what Eric is saying] That's nice, you're so cool about me triggering the alarm and not knowing the password, but how do you know I'm not making it up?! I could have raped my mom twice by now!
Jeff: You said you lived there.
Cartman: [His mom goes back up the stairs] I do, but you don't know that! I could be Kyle trying to take more of my shit!
Scene Description: Skeeter's Bar and Cocktails, night. The mechanic is back at his table. The shadows of a group of men creep up on him
Randy: How did you get rid of him? [The mechanic looks at him] How did you get rid of the milkman?
Mechanic: There's no getting rid of him. Not in any you folks would be prepared for. Noh, best you just let him go on fucking your wives. Maybe he'll get tired of it.
Stephen: Damn you, it's not just our wives anymore! [The others look at him, he looks around] This morning, he came for me. I opened the door. It was the UPS man. He had a box from Amazon. I looked inside and found an adapter for an iPhone and then I remembered: I had ordered it! I ordered it the day before and I had barely any recollection. The UPS man is using his powers to try to have sex with me now.
Randy: [Puts his hands on the table] You said we wouldn't be prepared to get rid of him. How did you?
Mechanic: We used a pretty blonde to lure him in. When she answered the door she told the milkman to follow her to the bathrub. She took off her clothes and... asked the milkman to fill the tub with milk. The milkman said, "You want that milk pasteurize?" And the blonde replied, "No, just up to my boobs. I can splash it in my eyes." That's when we jumped 'im. It was over in minutes. Then we burned his body. You wanna get rid of the milkman? You gotta kill him and kill him good. And then you gotta go to the store for your stuff from then on.
Scene Description: Cartman's house, next day. A cat burglar with cigarette is at Cartman's front door
Cat Burglar: Hey, ey uh, [Takes a puff of cigarette] you want me to do this, you gotta pay up front, kid!
Cartman: You'll get your money when you finish doing what I asked you, all right? Now as soon as I lock the door, just give me a few seconds to arm the system, then you break in and try to rape my mom. Okay? You got it? [closes and locks the door, then arms the system, then goes to the phone to wait for Wolf Home Security to call. The cat burglar pounds a window until it gives way and he goes in. The alarm goes off a second later. Cartman gets pissed off when the burglar breaks a second window and there's no response from Wolf. Finally the call comes in, and Cartman answers it] Hello?
Michael: This is Michael with Wolf Home Security. Is everything all right?
Cartman: [The cat burglar appears as he goes towards the stairs. He then stops] Uh, no, a man just broke into our house and he's about to rape my mom. [Softly, to the cat burglar while muffling the mic] Go go, she's upstairs. [The cat burglar heads up the stairs] Hello, did you hear me? A rapist is here; he's white!
Michael: Oh-kay, should we contact the police?
Cartman: Yes you should contact the fucking police! My mom is about to get fucking raped!
Michael: Okay, we're contacting them now.
Cartman: He's goin' up the stairs, dude, you'd better hurry!
Michael: Try and stay calm, the police are on their way.
Cartman: Well that's nice, maybe they could bring some cigarettes and Gatorade, 'cause the guy's gonna be pretty wiped out! [Looks at the phone] The fuck?!
Scene Description: The Stotch house. Stephen goes to the front door and opens it.
UPS man: Hey there, misterrr Stotch. looks like another Amazon package. [Smiles]
Stephen: I know that what I feel for you is just some kind of spell.
UPS man: [looks puzzled] ...Sss-sorry?
Stephen: Just let me sign. [the UPS man hands him the signature pad, Stephen signs it and gives it back and gets his package, and the UPS man leaves. Stephen opens the box and pulls out a Bane mask, still in the plastic package. Then he whips out a flip phone from his back pocket and talks into it] All right, he's coming to you.
Scene Description: The UPS truck, day. The UPS man gets into his truck and starts it up. A gun appears next to his face, ready to shoot at him. He's startled
Voice: Well hello there, Mr. UPS man!
UPS man: What are you-?
Randy: [wearing his own Bane mask] You should have left our wives alone. Now let's go for a drive.
UPS man: [the UPS man releases the hand brake and drives off] Look, you can have whatever's in the back! Ih-ihit's all stuff from Amazon!
Randy: Oh no, pull in here.
Scene Description: A U-Stor-It storage facility, day. The UPS man drives into it
UPS man: Just let me go, huh?
Randy: Oh, and then we'd miss out on all the fun! [the driver's side door opens and the other men from the bar, also wearing Bane masks, drag the UPS man out]
UPS man: Aaawwgh! [they take turns kicking and punching him]
Stephen: You should have never come to our town! [punches him twice, the second one sending him to Stuart]
Stuart: A man's wife is his life, Mr. UPS man. [punches him three times, the third one sending him back to Stephen. The UPS man falls to the ground and the Banes start kicking him. A woman is heard screaming. She and her husband are shown]
Woman: Oh my God.
Man: Come on honey! [they run off]
Randy: [whips out Ike's drawing and puts it in the man's face] Thought we wouldn't find out??? [drops it and the men scatter. Skeeter and Stephen go towards the camera and away, screen left. Stuart. Randy, and Mr. Testaburger run away from the camera, and Jimbo, Thomas, and Steve Black run off screen right. The UPS man is left alone, battered, bruised, and coughing up blood]
Scene Description: Cartman's house, day. Someone knocks on his door five times, then tries to jiggle the locks open.
Cartman: [stops] Who is there?
UPS man: [opens the door and stumbles in] Please! [still gasping for air]
Cartman: Oh?! Ohhh?! [backs away quickly. The phone rings, but Cartman goes to the kitchen to answer it] Yes? Yeah, hello?
Varashnu: [with Indian Accent] Hello, this is Varashnu wit Wolf Home Security.
Cartman: A man just broke into my house and is- [looks at the phone] Varashnu? I didn't sign up to have some Indian guy call me- Are you even in the United States?!
Varashnu: ...Uh yes, I am in United States.
Cartman: Oh, that is bullshit! Put your manager on!
Varashnu: Okay, hold on. [transfers Cartman's call]
Cartman: Heh- hello?
Kevin: This is Kevin with Wolf Home Security. Is everything all right?
Cartman: No, everything's not all right. How come a guy from India is calling me when my house is being broken into?!
Kevin: We have alarms going off across the country fourteen times a minute. That takes a lot of employees manning phones.
Cartman: Dude, I'm not paying all this money to have some guy on the other side of the Earth try and protect me!
Kevin: Sir, it doesn't matter where we call you from, we still contact the police in your neighborhood.
Cartman: Oh really? Oh okay. Gosh I'm so relieved! Thanks. There's still just one little problem: How do you know I didn't break into this house, set off the alarm, and now I'm stalling by being upset about the Indian guy and have actually stolen a bunch of shit, raped my mom, and you people have done absolutely nothing about it?!
Kevin: I d-I d'uh... Wow, that just fucked my head.
Cartman: Yeah I just fucked your head and the UPS guy just fucked my mom! [slams the phone on the floor]
Scene Description: Park County Police Station, day. A crowd has gathered in front of the station. Sgt. Yates addresses the crowd's concerns.
Sgt. Yates: All right, quiet down people, please! Quiet! [the crowd quiets down] I know you're all worried about your families' security. All I can tell you is that so far, Bane has not been caught. [the people begin to murmur amongst themselves]
Mr. Mackey: Uh, what are we supposed to do? I mean if Bane is out there on the loose then none of us are safe. One Bane's bad enough, but apparently we got like, like seven Banes? Uhkay?
Gerald: And what do we tell our kids?! We can't leave them in the dark!
Randy: [aside to Gerald] Wouldn't be the only ones in your family completely in the dark.
Gerald: What?
Randy: Huh? Nothing.
Sgt. Yates: Now listen! There's nothing more we can do to protect your homes. But there's someone here who says he can. [makes way for the security agent who visited Cartman and his mom earlier]
Security agent: Hello folks, we're more than happy to get your homes safe and secure. Now, you're gonna be wanting monitors on all your doors and windows, motion detectors in the living areas, and I would also recommend you all get our newest personal security system to make sure your wives are safe outside the home.
Randy: Whoawhoa, wait, wait. What do you mean?
Spokesman: [in a commercial] Protecting your home and your family is hard enough! But sometimes alarms on your doors and windows aren't enough! A new security system allows not only for your doors and windows to be monitored, but your fear levels as well. [a 3-D schematic of a house is shown, with a person in it] A security system that is actually inside you. It's called IN-security.
Husband: [with wife and twin daughters] We'll never forget the day we took our twin daughters to the beach.
Stranger: Hehey, what cute twins.
Wife: Thanks.
Stranger: They're so adorable [whips out a crowbar and assumes a menacing posture. The wife instinctively tries to protect the girls] that I'm gonna bash their fucking heads in! [the alarm goes off and the stranger runs away, dropping the crowbar. The husband receives the call]
Peter: This is Peter with INsecurity. Is everything all right?
Husband: A white man just tried to murder our twin girls.
Peter: I have a police car on their way with blankets and cocoa. [Next shot is of the whole family in blankets and sipping cocoa at the beach, with police cars around them and police officers investigating]
Husband: I only hope other have people have INsecurity to protect their families.
Scene Description: A shoe store. A woman is getting her son new shoes
Shoe Salesman: Well, how's the shoe fit, pal?
Boy: I think it fits pretty good.
Shoe Salesman: Well okayhehe, let's see if it fits better than this KNIFE THROUGH YOUR FUCKING SKULL, BASTARD! [gets out a large knife and slashes the air with it.]
Boy: Aaahh! [jumps into his mom's arms and the alarm goes off. The salesman drops the knife and runs off. The phone rings and the mom answers it]
Mom: Hello?
David: This is David with INsecurity. Is everything all right?
Mom: [voice breaking] No, a white shoe salesman tried to murder my son.
David: Hold tight. Police are on their way with blankets and cocoa. [next scene, mom and son are in blankets and sipping cocoa while the police investigate]
Spokesman: Don't let your family become another statistic. Have piece of mind with... [the new company logo appears, with "Custom installation for only $99."] INsecurity.
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, hallway, day. Kyle and Stan walk along to class
Kyle: It just keeps getting worse. I see stuff from Amazon almost every day. My poor dad has no idea.
Stan: You're gonna have to tell him, dude.
Kyle: I know...
Cartman: [runs up to them] HaHA Kyle! Let's see you try and take my iPod headphones HOW! [wears a little sign on his head showing that ]
Kyle: What?!
Cartman: Just wanted you to know that if you wanna steal somebody's stuff, you should look elsewhere.
Kyle: Nobody wants any of your stuff, you fat bitch!
Cartman: Oh, fat bitch, huh?! [gets smug] Well it just so happens that this fat bitch has INsecurity now, Kyle, and so I'm protected from ALL you greedy little Jews until you and your people DIE OUT!
Kyle: The Jewish population isn't dying out, fatass! It's growing!
Cartman: What? [his alarm goes off, then he gets the call] Hello?
Marcus: This is Marcus with INsecurity. Is everything all right?
Cartman: Yeah yeah no, false alarm. I, I just heard some troubling news and it set off my INsecurity.
Marcus: All right, could I just get your password please?
Cartman: Yeah, it's um... it's uloveboobs.
Marcus: I love boobs?
Cartman: No, "uloveboobs." Lower-case u love boobs.
Marcus: How did you know that?
Cartman: My password is uloveboobs!
Marcus: Oh oh I get it. That's pretty funny.
Cartman: You, it's fucking hilarious! Now can you shut off my INsecurity please?!
Marcus: Sure, here you go. [gets to resetting the system]
Cartman: Okay. So anyway, Kyle, you'd better watch ih-! [notices Kyle is gone, but looks around] Kyle? God damn it.
Scene Description: Skeeter's Bar and Cocktails, day. The men are back in the bar
Randy: And then I had to drive to Walgreens, Barnes & Noble AND Ace Hardware. I tell you, having to go around and buy stuff again sucks.
Stuart: Yeah, but at least we never have to deal with that UPS driver again.
Jimbo: [bursts through the front doors] He's back!
Stephen: What?!
Jimbo: [runs to the bar] I just came from Will Patterson's house! His mother got three packages from Amazon! And the UPS guy told her what he'd like to do to her!
Stephen: How?
Jimbo: He casually dropped this on his way out! [whips out a sheet of paper, and the other men gather to have a look. It's Ike's drawing]
Randy: [low voice] Oh my God! [now he and the men think the UPS man has made copies of that drawing and is dropping them off at every house]
Mechanic: Didn't kill 'im, did ya? [the other men turn around] Yea', I didn't think you had it in ya.
Randy: We scared him! We thought that'd be enough!
Mechanic: Milkman don't get scared. Not with free pussy at every doorstep.
Scene Description: A stakeout. Someone is looking at the UPS man deliver a package through binoculars. A woman answers the door, takes her package from the UPS man, and closes the door. The UPS man looks around to make sure no one is out to hurt him any further. He goes to his truck, then checks under it to make sure it hasn't been rigged with a bomb, then he looks around once more
Stephen: Son of a bitch, it's him all right!
Randy: This guy doesn't know when to quit!
Stephen: He's stopping at another house. [the UPS man stops his truck, gets down with a new package, and goes to the next house, looking around]
Steve Black: Guess this guy's a lot tougher than we thought. Must be why our wives want him so bad.
Randy: [his INsecurity goes off] Sorry sorry, that's me. [gets the call] Hello?
Alvin: This is Alvin with INsecurity. Is everything all right?
Randy: Yeah, sorry, false alarm. Pass phrase is tickle me homo. [the other men glance at him] It's a joke.
Scene Description: Kyle's house, day, living room. Kyle sits on the sofa between his parents
Kyle: Mom, Dad, you've always taught me that being direct and honest is a basic Jewish tenet.
Sheila: That's right, Kyle.
Kyle: And that applies to all of us, doesn't it? Even though it's convenient to have things done for you, sometimes it's best to deal with it yourself. [the doorbell rings and he sighs deeply, then goes to answer it. The UPS man is on the other side of the door]
UPS man: Uhh, hi, I got a delivery for ya?
Kyle: Yeah. Come in for a minute, would you?
UPS man: What?
Kyle: Please? I need you to come sit down for a second. [puzzled, the UPS man comes in and sits down on the armchair. Kyle returns to his spot between his parents, and silence follows for a couple of seconds] So... Here we all are. Mom, do you want to tell Dad something? [she stays quiet] Mom?
UPS man: What's going on?
Kyle: You know God damned well what's going on! This ends right now! We are a family, and you need to go somewhere else!
UPS man: Don't you think I want to?! [his UPS truck is shown in the background] I hate this damned town! Every day, things just keep getting weirder around here, and I'm just about sick of it![Randy and Stephen run out from behind the truck, and a few seconds later it blows up] Aaah! [runs to a window] Oh my God! [gets the call and answers it] Hello?
Brian: This is Brian with INsecurity, is everything all right?
UPS man: No! They blew up my car! They blew up my car!
Brian: I'm sending help. Police are on their way with blankets and cocoa.
UPS man: [goes up the stairs] They're after me again! Do something!
Brian: Ho- hold on one second, sir, I have another emergency coming in. [switches calls] This is Brian with INsecurity, is everything all right?
Cartman: [in the perfume section of a store, with a saleswoman behind the counter] Yeah, no, false alarm again. I'm in the store and some fat bitch asked me if my dad likes cologne.
Gerald: [opens the front door] What the hell's goin' on out here?! [Stephen and Jimbo lie in wait for the UPS man]
Jimbo: Stay out of this, Gerald! Some men care about what their wives are doing!
Gerald: What?! You don't even have a wife, Jimbo! [Jimbo's INsecurity goes off, his phone rings, and he answers it]
UPS man: [trying again to call INsecurity] Somebody answer me! You have to send help now!
Martin: Sir, we are sending help. Just stay calm. [another call comes in] Hang on sir, this is Martin with INsecurity.
Randy: [on the phone] Yeah, I'm thinking maybe Gerald's house is nicer than mine is.
Martin: Hello, this is Martin with INsecu-
Cartman: [outside a store] God damn it I've had it with you people! When I signed up, I thought I was getting CSI guys protecting my ass, but all of you answering the phones are complete retards![Martin is swamped with calls. Another one comes in] Hello? [his own INsecurity has gone off]
Mike: This is Mike with INsecurity. Is everything all right?
UPS man: [in the master bedroom] Hello?!
Kyle: [sees the open door and goes in] Dude, come down here!
UPS man: [panics] AAAAH! [jumps through the closed window to his death] Uf. [everyone else looks. Police arrive shortly with blankets and cocoa.]
Sgt. Yates: So you say this man killed himself because he was a psychopath who was forced to have sex with his mother? [holds a sheet of paper in his hand]
Stephen: Yes, we found that in his pocket. [points to the sheet, which the captain holds up. It's... Ike's drawing again]
Officer: Sir, we found this in the closet upstairs? [It's the UPS uniform Gerald uses in roleplaying]
Gerald: Yes, that's mine.
Randy: Yours? What?
Sheila: [rips the uniform from the officer] Give me that! What we do in our bedroom is our business!
Kyle: Wait a minute, Dad was the UPS man?
Gerald: Uhh, Kyle, uh sometimes when people get older they need to play and pretend to keep things interesting. Iiit's just a way I can still be intimate with your mother without relying on silly sexual enhancement drugs. [all the other men's alarms go off, their phones ring, and they all answer them]
The men: Hello?
Scene Description: Skeeter's Bar and Cocktails, night. The men return to the bar and find the mechanic at his table again
Randy: It's over. But you were wrong. We don't have to be afraid of Amazon. The only price to be paid for convenience is that we must be secure with ourselves.
Mechanic: Yea'. Got yourselves some nice home security systems, don'tcha? Payin' a man to do your job of protecting your house. Only problem is, while you're out feelin' like your things are safe, that security man is fucking your wife.
Scene Description: Address 10228, day. The security agent is at the house talking to a woman
Security agent: Doors and windows should be armed and your motion detectors are up and running, just call me whenever you need me back. [the woman closes her door and the agent goes back to his van. He gets in and sits down, preparing to drive. A gun pops up next to him, and he's alarmed.] Ah! Who are you??
Cartman: [in Bane mask] It doesn't matter who we are, what matters is our plan. You should have respected my authoritay. [the men return in Bane masks to haul the agent out and beat him up]
Security agent: Hoo!


Scene Description: South Park Elementary School Cafeteria, day. The kids are seated for lunch. At the center table are Stan, Kyle, Kenny, Token, Clyde and Craig. Cartman runs in from the hallway
Cartman: FELLAS! Fellas!
Stan: What?
Cartman: You'll never guess what happened. Butters just beat up Scott Malkinson!
Kyle: Butters? [He and Stan look puzzled] Why?
Cartman: It was crazy! Scott was just talking about how he needed to take his insulin shot, and out of nowhere Butters said he's sick of people with diabetes feeling sorry for themselves. Scott told Butters to shut up and Butters just started whaling on him!
Stan: You're talking about Butters.
Cartman: Dude, I'm telling you! Butters beat the crap out of Scott, and then he locked himself in the bathroom! [The other boys get concerned and leave their tables to go to the restroom]
Scene Description: The restroom around the corner from the cafeteria. Jimmy has joined the boys. Stan bangs on the door
Stan: Butters?
Butters: Leave me alone!
Stan: Butters, come out here.
Butters: Get out of here, all of ya! [Stan turns to the other boys and shrugs]
Kyle: Butters, people can't just go around beating up people who have diabetes! Now whatever your problem is, you just-
Butters: [Runs out of the restroom up to Kyle and points at him] You just think you know everything, don't you Kyle?! Every little thing you gotta shoot your mouth off like you're the frickin' expert! Well you don't know everything because [walks to Stan and points him out] your best friend is a kid who thinks the entire planet revolves around him and he only cares about HIS image! [runs back inside the boys room, then turns around and runs to Cartman] You guys think Cartman is the only selfish piece of crap in this school? You're all fake and stuck up [moves over to Jimmy], and none of you have the courage to tell Jimmy that his jokes aren't funny! [moves over to Kenny] The only kid here with any sense of dignity is Kenny, and the rest of you have your heads up your butts! [Runs back into the restroom and locks himself in. The other boys are stunned and silent]
Cartman: Well. Apparently Kenny is Butters' best friend. You guys gonna make out, Kenny? [Kenny flashes an angry look]
Butters: [Runs out of the restroom again and storms up to Cartman] AND THAT'S ANOTHER THING! You're always trivializing everything I say by gettin' the last word! [Cartman looks stunned]Well you're not gettin' the last word this time! [Runs back into the boys restroom and locks himself in]
Cartman: ...Wow.
Butters: [Opens the door and peeks out] Double wow! [Closes the door and locks it]
Scene Description: The principal's office, Day. Principal Victoria is talking to Butters and his parents.
Principal Victoria: I'm sorry, but your son is distracting the other students and his attitude is just getting worse.
Stephen: Butters, what on earth has gotten into you?!
Butters: [In a gruff voice] I don't know, Dad, ah I was just pissed off, I guess!
Linda: Do you think this behavior is fair to your teacher and classmates?!
Butters: I don't suppose it is, but I don't give a darn!
Stephen: Do you have any idea how grounded you are about to be, mister?!
Butters: Why don't you shut up, Dad, and stick it in your ear, for cryin' out loud! [Both parents look taken aback as a moment of silence follows]
Linda: [looks at Stephen] Stephen, are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Stephen: Yes. Our little Butters is flowering. He has reached the age of panua.
Principal Victoria: Eh-excuse me?
Stephen: Principal Victoria, this isn't Butters' fault.
Butters: It's not?!
Stephen: It has to do with... biology. [turns right and walks off a bit] You've... maybe noticed that Butters isn't... exactly like other kids.
Butters: Yeah?
Stephen: You probably think Butters seems somehow... different.
Butters: [normal voice] Hey yeah, all the time.
Stephen: It's because he is. [Turns around and faces Principal Victoria] His mother and I... his whole family were... we're not of this place.
Principal Victoria: Ah I'm sorry, I really don't understand.
Stephen: Please, just try to understand that for our people it's a very private matter. He can't be helped by your discipline; this must be dealt with by his own kind. If it's all right with you, we'd like an extended leave for our boy. Please. It's a cultural thing.
Scene Description: The Stotch house, day. Stephen and Linda argue as Butters sits on the couch
Linda: I don't want him to go, Stephen, he's too young!
Stephen: It's our people's way, Linda, you know that better than I do!
Linda: Then we can go with him.
Stephen: You know that's not allowed!
Butters: Will somebody tell me what the frickity fookshmere is goin' on?!
Stephen: Butters, you've reached the age where you must journey to your birthplace for the ceremony of hapa noa.
Butters: Uhbu-but I'm from here.
Stephen: No. We moved here just before you started pre-school. You were born in our native land, Butters. [Walks to a bookshelf and grabs a scrapbook] A distant and very secluded island world called... Hava'i.
Butters: We're from Hawaii?
Stephen: [Sits on the sofa next to Butters. Linda sits to his left] Only haoles pronounce it Hawaii, Butters, but those of us from Hava'i are a very special people. We have many customs and traditions to keep our culture alive. [Opens the book and points some pictures out to him] We drink chi-chi's from the coconut. We eat poke that the Safeway provides. And when we've chosen a mate, we marry at the fern grotto, as your mother and I did so... very long ago. As a Stotch, Butters, you are actually Hawaiian royalty. Your grandma and grandpa were there at the time of the King. [Flips backwards a few pages and shows him a picture of Elvis Presley playing a ukulele with a picture of Diamondhead in the background.]
Butters: But what does being Hawaiian have to do with me acting like an emo chick on her period?
Stephen: Not an emo chick on her period, Butters. Like a salmon needing to swim back upriver. All Hawaiians feel it. It is called "hapahui apahoha", and it means it's now your time to make your trip to our island home. You must do your walkabout to your homeland, Butters. And you must do it alone. [Linda stands up and starts crying. Stephen stands up and takes out his wallet] Take this, son. It is our Mahalo Rewards card. It will provide you with all you need. And now I must turn my back on you. [He turns his back to Butters. Linda weeps silently. Butters is speechless]
Scene Description: The neighborhood park, day. The boys from the table are playing basketball, and Jimmy joins in. Kenny tosses the basketball at Kyle, who makes a shot, and Cartman runs up to them from the sidewalk. Stan catches the ball
Cartman: Holy shit balls! Holy shit balls! Guess what, you guys? Holy shit balls. [The other boys gather around him]
Kyle: What?
Cartman: Butters just got on a bus with his backpack and said he's going to Hawaii.
Stan: Hawaii?
Cartman: He said he had to go back to his homeland, and then told me it was none of my business and to keep my fat mouth shut.
Kyle: Dude, what the hell? Somebody's gotta stop him.
Stan: [Turns to the basket] After all the things he said to us, he can go ahead. [Makes a shot at close range]
Kyle: Kenny, you're clearly his best friend. Go stop him.
Kenny: (I'm not his best friend.)
Cartman: Yeah, Mr. Perfect, go rescue Butters so he can lick your balls some more. [Kenny sighs and walks away with his head down.]
Scene Description: The airport, day. Kenny arrives and walks into the Alpha Air terminal. He sees Butters seated on a seat in an empty row, with two suitcases at his feet. He's sobbing. Kenny walks over
Kenny: (Butters, come on.)
Butters: They won't let me on the plane. Why, I can't do anything right! [Kenny takes one suitcase and Butters' right hand, Butters takes the other suitcase, and they walk. Suddenly Butters stops and pulls his hand away] No, no! I have to go to Hawaii, Kenny! I have no idea what's waiting there for me, but I guh, I can't go on like this! [Kenny sighs, then takes Butters to the teller]
Kenny: (Excuse me, he needs to go to Hawaii.)
Teller: I already told him, I can't allow anyone on the aircraft who appears to be intoxicated.
Butters: I'm not intoxicated, you skank! I'm just "deligerent" because of my hapanuanalua!
Kenny: (Please, could you just let him on the plane? It's really important. Please?)
Teller: Tell you what: there's plenty of points on his Mahalo Rewards card. If you wanna fly with him, I can let him go.
Kenny: (Me?)
Butters: Can't you see I'm in horrible pain?! Do you have any idea what-?!
Kenny: [Puts his hand over Butters mouth to shut him up] (Okay, okay! I'll go.) [Scene cuts to the plane flying towards Hawaii]
Scene Description: Lihu'e Airport, Kaua'i, Runway B-5. The plane lands and Butters and Kenny enter the terminal. Butters has picked up his bags
Butters: [Slowly, as he looks around] Well, we're here, now what do I do? [Kenny points to the information officer nearby, and they walk to him]
Officer: Can I help you with anything?
Butters: Uh yeah, I uh, I'm not sure where I'm supposed to go?
Officer: Okay, were you with a cruise ship or land tour group?
Butters: Oh, ah, I'm not a tourist. I'm a native Hawaiian. [The officer just looks at him. A group of Americans approaches him]
Blond man: Butters Stotch?
Butters: Yeah?
Blond man: Welcome home, young keiki. Your parents said you would be coming for your ceremony. [Notices Kenny] Ah- uh, who's this?
Butters: Oh thi-this is my friend, Kenny.
Older woman: Butters, native Hawaiians don't really approve of haoles coming to their ceremonies.
Butters: Oh please, i-if it weren't for him I couldn't have come.
Blond man: Very well, we shall speak with the chief of our island and see. Come now. [Everyone leaves]
Scene Description: En route to the chief, day. They go down the road, all packed into an SUV.
Butters: You folks are all native Hawaiians too?
Older man: [Driving] Yes. My wife Patty and I have been coming to Kaua'i for almost five years, and Bill and Donna actually own a time share in Poipu.
Donna: Yes, but Poipu is getting pretty overrun with tourists, I'm afraid.
Blond man: [Leans to the right, behind the older man] Let us eat.
Older man: Oh yea, let us eat. [They stop at Kuwahara Saimin's drive-through] Aloha, five order of saimin, please.
Butters: What's "saimin"?
Patty: It's one of the foods of our people.
Older man: Oh, I get 20% off, I'm a native. Here's my Mahalo Rewards card. [The cashier notes the card and takes the cash, the older man takes the food, and they're off.] Mahalo. [They soon find themselves behind a slow car with the passenger taking pictures of the scenery. The older man honks.] Come on, you frickin' tourist! Jesus, buy a post card! [Stops and points out a building] These are the ancient ruins of our ancestors. [It's the Coco Palms, long abandoned.] They say the spirit of the king is still in there.
Blond man: You must stay away from this place. It is kapu.
Brunet man: Kapu. that means "taboo", [points to Kenny] especially to haoles! [they drive off]
Older man: Uh that there is Bubba's Burgers. [Scene shows Bubba's Burgers] In Havai'i us natives say "Bubba's Bruk". [they pass by a big hotel] Here's the Sheraton, just another megahotel for the throngs of tourists. Here's where many of us natives live. The Sheraton Residences. [A gated community is shown. The Older Man flashes his Mahalo Rewards card to the guard] It's all right, we're natives. [The guard opens the gate and lets them in. They arrive at the chief's residence and step out to talk to him] Protector and Chief, I present to you the keiki, Butters Stotch.
Chief: Ah, Stephen and Linda's child. Last time I saw you, you were the size of a coconut. Who's the haole?
Scene Description: Kenny's room at the Residences, night. He sits by the open window with a lit candle, a pencil and a sheet of paper. He begins to write.
Kenny: My dearest friends,:I am living amongst the natives in the remote and tiny island of Kava'i. What can I tell you of this mysterious island and its people? It is a place of wonder, and yet to the outsider like me, a place of odd tradition. The people here are peaceful and joyous, and seem to care little for the rush and worry of the outside world. Their diet is mostly an odd mixture of coconut milk, pineapple juice, and vodka, which they call the chi-chi. As for Butters, he is quickly learning the ways of his ancestors, and seems to be feeling better with every passing day. He still seems quite angry at times, but luckily his ceremony will finally take place on the morrow.
Scene Description: As he writes, the following scenes are shown: First, the Safeway supermarket. The people greet each other with a fist, with pinky and thumb extended. Next, three kids are playing in a pool while Donna enjoys her chi-chi and the older couple sit on chaise longues in the background. Next, Kenny is at the bar order a chi-chi. Next, Butters learns how to play bocce ball. Next, Stan reads the letter to Cartman and Kyle
Stan: [reading the letter] "On the morrow"? What the fuck is wrong with Kenny?
Kenny: To wit, I have found nothing wrong with this remote place, and I must admit it will be with some melancholy that I will leave this island and return home. I saw this chick in a bikini on the beach too. She had the nicest boobs ever. Humbly yours, Kenneth.
Scene Description: A luau, day. All the natives are in line for lunch before the ceremony begins. Butters stands on a platform before the chief while Kenny watches on
Chief: In the time-honored traditions of our ancestors, we honor the native Hawaiian Butters Stotch with his hapa noa. [everyone cheers and and woman slips a necklace onto his neck] The shark-tooth necklace represents your connection to our island. [a horn blower comes in with a conch shell and blows into it... badly] Now drink the chi-chi! [Patty walks over with a glass of it and gives it to Butters, who begins to drink it through a straw.]
Butters: [turns right and coughs, then] Whoa, it's like gasoline!
Chief: Drink, young keiki, and you will feel the last of your aggression melt away.
Butters: [Finishes the rest of the drink, then stumbles just a little bit and smiles] Hey, uh now I do feel butter, uh better.
Chief: O spirits of ancestors, we ask that you bless this native Hawaiian with his hapa noa! We ask that you-
Blond man: [runs in] Listen! [climbs onto a table] Listen everyone! I have terrible, horrible news!
Chief: Do you realize that you are interrupting a hapa noa?
Blond man: I've just come from the front office! The Mahalo Rewards card is... [chokes]
Chief: What?! What has happened? Speak!
Blond man: The Mahalo Rewards card is being eliminated! They're trying to say our points are... are... no longer going to be accepted.
Chief: [Rises from his chair and walks to his left] I knew one day it would come to this.
Patty: To what? What does this mean?
Chief: The haoles are trying to do away with us.
Resident 1: With no rewards program, there will be no distinction between who's a native to this island and who isn't!
Resident 2: Why can't you people respect our island? Why do you always want nore?!
Chief: I'm sorry keiki, your hapa noa will have to wait! For we must unite together as never before! It is time to show the haoles that this is our island! [this draws cheers from everyone]
Scene Description: A seaside golf course, day. A cruise ship is some distance from the shore when it blows its horn. A group of natives stand by their golf balls
Chief: [Yelling at the ship] Stop ruining our island, haoles! FIRE! [The natives fire away into the ocean. Some of the golf balls land in the water, some of them reach the ship]
First Mate: What are they doing? [The passengers are being pelted with golf balls.]
Chief: [Walks over to Butters and gives him a club] Take a swing! Let them know they are not welcome!
Butters: I've never done this before. [Gets into position]
Chief: It's all right. Just try to tap into that anger that's inside you.
Butters: Aim... my anger! Stupid [Swings successfully] Ben Affleck! [The golf ball sails through the air and enters the bridge, smashing through the window and the captain's binoculars. The first mate shrieks] Waaah! [The captain stumbles onto a controller and breaks it with sheer momentum. The ship begins to pitch back and sink. Passengers begin to tumble towards the water. Butters is dumbfounded. The ship breaks in two]
Man: Hold on! [The golf club just falls out of Butters' left hand] Hold on!
Woman: Oh I can't! I can't! I can't hold on!
Man: I love you! I love you!
Woman: No! I love you! I love you back! [The ship vanishes below the water]
Scene Description: Breaking News
Announcer: This is breaking news!
Anchor: An insurrection in the Hawaiian Islands has escalated to war! After sinking a cruise ship, the natives of Kauai continue to go berserk, forcing all tourists off their island.
Man 1: They just pushed us onto airplanes and said we weren't welcome anymore!
Woman 1: Then a little boy called me a skank.
Anchor: [A picture of Barack Obama appears over his shoulder] The President says he will send the Coast Guard to take the island back, though he sympathizes, being a native Hawaiian himself. [Thinks about it for a second] Hm.
Scene Description: The ceremonial plaza, day.
Chief: Are all the tourists gone from our island?
Resident 3: All but a few who are hiding out at Duke's Restaurant. We sent Bob and Trisha Turner to smoke them out.
Resident 4: What about him?
Kenny: (What about me?)
Resident 4: He's a tourist and he knows everything! We have to kill him!
Butters: [Jumps in front of Kenny to shield him] No! Kenny's my friend! He's the only kid at school I actually like, you buncha jerks!
Chief: Be careful young keiki, your anger still controls you because we were not able to finish the ceremony. Perhaps we should finish it now.
Resident 4: Finish his ceremony?! We are at war, David! I have lived on this island for ten years. Ten years! Every July and part of August! And I can tell you all that what we are about to face from the haoles is nothing short of genocide!
Resident 5: He's right, David. We can't trust any tourists.
Butters: He won't betray us! Will you, Kenny?!
Kenny: (No, I'm not going to fucking betray anybody!)
Resident 6: Then let him prove himself! Trial by opahika'a!
Chief David: He's only a child!
Resident 4: If he wants to be one of us, then he must face the challenge!
Chief David: Very well. [The horn blower, Resident 5, returns to blow the conch shell]
Scene Description: On the bank of a river flowing by the Residences, day. David and Butters are there with the rest of the residents in the background, and Kenny is...
Blond man: This isn't right! He's not a native! He's gonna get killed!
Butters: Kenny, be careful!
Chief David: Quiet. He must face this challenge alone. [Kenny is on a surfboard on the river using a small paddle to get somewhere]
Resident 1: By the gods! Perhaps he has the heart of a native after all!
Resident 4: He still has yet to make the turn! [Kenny reaches a buoy in the middle of the river and paddles around it, then makes his way back to the riverbank.]
Residents: Hohhh!
Resident 7: [A little tipsy from his drink] That's pretty good. [Kenny slows down, then loses his balance and falls into the river]
Kenny: (Whoops!)
Butters: Kenny!
Residents: Awwwww. [A second later they all turn away and leave. Butters stays at the riverbank.]
Resident 4: [To another Resident] I told you a haole couldn't do it!
Chief David: Did you make the turn your first try? Did any of us? [Kenny pops up behind them and floats down the river]
Resident 8: [A woman, walks up to Butters] Don't worry, Butters, your friend will find a way back to his kind. The gods will protect him. [She extends her left hand and guides him away]
Scene Description: Kenny looks downriver and sees a waterfall. He panics and quickly dog paddles away from it, but the current overwhelms him and he goes over. He bumps into several rocks, each bigger than the last, on his way down, head first
Scene Description: Smith's Tropical Paradise, day. David has assembled the residents into this building and now talks to them
Chief David: We have called for this great meeting because if we are to survive this war, all the native Hawaiian tribes must join as one!
Resident 9: We're not joining the people of the Hyatt Grand Vacations! They have no rights to call themselves natives!
Vacationer 1: Oh and you do?! Your ancestors came on an airplane six months ago! Our ancestors sailed here! On a cruise ship! Nine months ago!
Chief David: Look, if we are to fight the haoles, we have to allow all natives to stay!
Canyoner: It doesn't matter how many tribes we have, we can't win! We are but a few against the haole's military might! We may have passion, but passion does not win wars!
Chief David: Oh no? Come up here, keiki. Come on. [Butters gets on stage with David] This child sunk a cruise ship by himself! Tell them keiki. [Hands the mic to Butters]
Butters: Well I don't know about the rest of ya, but I'm sick and tired of bein' pushed around all the time! I came all the way down here for my hapa noa ceremony, and I can't even have it, 'cause the fucking haoles have to ruin everything!
Resident 9: Yeah!
Vacationer 1: Screw them!
Butters: Well if you ask me, the only good haole is a dead haole! With a, with a stick up his butthole, and his wiener cut off! Rraahhhh!
Chief David: Let us make a pact with more chi-chis!
Resident 10: [goes to serve himself some more chi-chi from the barrels, but finds there isn't any] Um, we're... we're out of chi-chis.
Resident 11: Oh, right, we've closed off all the ports.
Resident 12: But they're still letting vodka through, right? Uh... they can't cut off our chi-chis.
Chief David: ...Oh my God.
Scene Description: Downriver, day. Kenny crawls onto the riverbank, coughs, and looks up. He's across the road from Coco Palms. He stands up and walks towards it. He looks around and heads in, but first waits for a bunch of bats to fly out of the cavernous entrance. Meanwhile, offshore, the U.S. Coast Guard shows up in force to deal with the natives
Captain: This is the U.S. Coast Guard! We have instructions to take you by force, if necessary!
Chief David: [heading up a large group of natives] Ready? Fire! [the natives fire off their golf balls, but none of them have any effect on the Coast Guard]
Captain: [Lowers his binoculars, then flatly] Fire. [The ships' guns fire away and decimate many of the natives]
Chief David: Arm the bocce balls! [Surviving natives arm bocce balls into slingshots stretched between palm trees. One of them lands on the main ship with a heavy thud]
Captain: God damn it.
Chief David: Keep fighting! Stand your ground!
Resident 4: We can't fight without chi-chis!
Chief David: You can and you MUST!
Butters: [He has six golf balls in front of him and he hits each one towards the Coast Guard] Stupid! Greedy! Haoles! Kill! Them! All!
Scene Description: Kenny walks through the Coco Palms, which is dark and spooky. A voice is soon heard, and Kenny stops in his tracks. He turns and runs away, but steps onto a patch covering a hole on the floor and falls in. He recovers and looks up to see the shining ghost of Elvis Presley. He beckons Kenny to follow him, mumbling just like Kenny does.
The King: Come on, come on. [Mumbles a few more things as they walk towards a door. Elvis stops and pulls a lever, and a wall rises to reveal loads of absolute vodka, pineapple juice, coconut milk, and macadamia nut liqueur, all the ingredients needed for chi-chis. Elvis walks up to the doorway and motions to Kenny] You know what chi-chis are, right?
Scene Description: The Residences, day, on the ceremonial plaza, Chief David admits defeat
Chief David: Listen everyone, we gave it all we had. It's over. We must go down to Nowiliwili Harbor, and surrender to the American government.
Butters: [Runs onto the plaza] Surrender?! No, the heck with that!
Resident 4: We can't hold out here any longer!
Butters: Well I won't do it, you hear me?! I'm not licking anybody's... testes!
Chief David: Young keiki, try to control your anger.
Butters: No! This is our home! And I'm sick of everyone who thinks they're better than me just 'cause they've got good looks, and just 'cause, even after massacring Daredevil, they happen to come back and hit a home run that everyone likes! You shouldn't be able to be good-looking and be with Jennifer Lopez and be a good director! [Turns around and walks away] All right all right fine! Argo is a good movie! There, I admitted it! I told people that it didn't hold up, but it holds up god darn it! Ben Affleck has everything, GRAGH!
Resident 13: Everyone! Look, I say! [Everyone comes to see, and it's Kenny coming back with a raft full of absolute vodka, pineapple juice, coconut milk, and macadamia nut liqueur. Everyone cheers him on]
Resident 14: The haole did it!
Kenny: My dear friends of the mainland,:What adventures I have found on the tiny island of Kava'i. I have truly become one with the natives, who found new courage to fight their oppressors.
Chief David: We are not surrendering today! Go back and tell your leaders that we will fight them until the end! [Everyone cheers]
Captain: You people just don't give up, do ya?
Kenny: The American government finally gave in to the natives and had the Mahalo Rewards cards reinstated. Our two cultures, it appears, will once again live in peace.
Scene Description: Everyone cheers, even the Coast Guard captain
Kenny: With the war at an end, our Butters is able to have his hapa noa ceremony. And with any help from the gods, become his old cheery self again.
Scene Description: The hapa noa ceremony, day. Butters will finally become a full-fledged member of his tribe
Chief David: And so it is with great honor that we recognize these two natives with their hapa noa. Take your cards, boys. [Two women come up and give them their cards] Apuiloa hapnanoaha! Hapa'a'a hohaaa! [Resident 5 returns to blow the conch shell a third time.] It's finally over, young keiki. Is your anger at rest?
Butters: [He thinks for a moment] Yeah, I guess so. Except it still doesn't change the fact that Ben Affleck gets to be handsome, talented, and then gets to go home and kiss Jennifer Lopez.
Resident 15: Ben Affleck isn't with Jennifer Lopez anymore, he's married to Jennifer Gardner.
Residents: Yeah, it's true, uh huh.
Butters: What? Really? But I thought I was totally jealous of him. He's just married to Jennifer Gardner? Oh my God, I feel so much better. [smiles with relief]
Kenny: (You do?)
Butters: Yeah, ogh, I like that Ben Affleck guy. He's a good filmmaker. Come on, Kenny, I guess I owe the kids at school an apology. [He and Kenny walk off into the sunset] Did you see Argo, Kenny? It's a pretty good movie. Ben Affleck has a lot goin' for him. Not everything, but a lot. Whoopie!