Scene Description: South Park Elementary, Fourth Grade classroom, day. Mrs. Garrison launches into her lesson
Mrs. Garrison: And so, class, that is when Joe Lee countered back to Aniston and said things like- [the door opens and Mr. Mackey enters the classroom, looking quite pissed. Mr. Mackey walks by Mrs. Garrison without saying a word] Oh hello, Mr. Mackey.
Mr. Mackey: [faces the class] All the girls go out in the hall please? I need to speak with the boys of this class, m'kay? [the girls leave their seats and go into the hall] Boys, we have a very serious problem! I've just come from the men's restroom, and somebody went number 2 in the urinal! [Mrs. Garrison's jaw drops at the behavior, then she gets concerned. The boys just blink at Mr. Mackey]
Butters: What's a urinal?
Stan: A wall toilet for peeing in.
Mr. Mackey: And some jokester took a poop in it! Okay? Now I want whoever did it to come forward right now, and it will be less painful for everybody! M'kay?!
Jimmy: Who would take a d-dump in a urinal? It's such a s-senseless crime.
Cartman: Mr. Mackey, I think you might want to entertain that this is some kind of conspiracy, just like 9/11.
Kyle: Oh God, here we go again! 9/11 was not a conspiracy, fatass!
Cartman: Oh really?! Do you just believe everything you're told, Kyle?
Mr. Mackey: Excuse me!! Could we get back to the issue, please?! You all don't seem to understand how serious this is!! Now who made dookie in the urinal?! [the boys just laugh] Oh, you think it's funny, huh?! M'kay! M'kay! You're gonna think it's real funny when the police get here!
Scene Description: Men's- er, Boys' Room, later. The police are in there with Mr. Mackey. Police tape has been placed around the urinal
Officer 1: I'm sorry, Mr. Mackey, but there just isn't really any evidence to go on.
Mr. Mackey: But there must have been some motive. Nobody would just dook in the urinal for no reason.
Officer 1: But who would benefit from crapping in the urinal? Uh this is too big a mystery for me. I think we'd better call in the Hardly Boys.
Scene Description: A montage of the Hardly Boys follows. The following titles appear: The Secret of the Lost Tunnel, The Hooded Hawk Mystery, The Clue of the Broken Blade, The Mystery of the Spiral Bridge...
Narrator: The Hardly Boys. Two young whippersnappers with a knack for solving mysteries. The Hardly Boys in: [the cover of book 37 is shown] The Mystery of the Urinal Turd.
Scene Description: The Hardly Boys are now with the police officer in front of the boys' room. Mr. Mackey observes nearby. The Boys have screwed-up smiles, suggesting buck teeth
Officer 1: So, that's it, Hardly Boys, we've got no leads and nobody admitting to the crime.
Frank: That sure is a mystery.
Joe: Yeah, it sounds super-hard.
Frank: Whoever did it must have been angry with the school. Oh... Oooo... I think I'm getting a clue.
Joe: F-really?
Frank: Yeah, this is totally giving me a clue right now.
Joe: [turns to Frank] Oh... I'm starting to get a clue too.
Frank: My clue is kind of pointing this way.
Joe: [moves to his left, to where Frank's clue is pointing] Ohhgh. Yeah, now I've got a total clue.
Frank: I've still got a raging clue.
Joe: [turns right] My clue's pointing over there now!
Frank: Oh, let's follow that clue! [move off to the right and away from the boys' room.]
Scene Description: The school bell rings and the kids pour out into the hall
Stan: Did they find out who crapped in the urinal yet?
Kyle: Not yet.
Cartman: They aren't going to find out who did it. But they'll make up a scapegoat, send him to detention, and make us all believe it. It'll be 9/11 all over again.
Kyle: Will you shut up about 9/11!
Cartman: Kyle, why are you so afraid of the truth?!
Kyle: Because anybody who thinks 9/11 was a conspiracy is a retard!
Cartman: Oh really? Well did you know that over one-fourth of people in America think that 9/11 was a conspiracy? Are you saying that one-fourth of Americans are retards?
Kyle: Yes. I'm saying one-fourth of Americans are retards.
Stan: Yeah, at least one-fourth.
Kyle: Let's take a test sample: There's four of us, you're a retard, that's one-fourth.
Cartman: ...There are soo many people who know the truth, Kyle. Uh Butters! [sees Butters walking towards the group]
Butters: Hey, fellas!
Cartman: Butters, do you think 9/11 was just a plot by some angry terrorists, or do you think there was some kind of coverup?
Butters: Well, I heard that 9/11 was caused by President Bush.
Cartman: Aha! Do you see?
Kyle: Where did you hear that?
Butters: [points] From Eric.
Cartman: I rest my case.
Kyle: [walks up and stands next to Butters] Butters, you don't really believe that, do you?
Butters: Well, l-uh, I mean, uh, you never know. Uh, the government does some pretty spooky things. The government and the corporations headed by the Jews that tear down 9/11.
Cartman: That's right, Butters.
Kyle: Goddamnit, you see what happens when you spread this stupid crap, fatass?
Cartman: What? People see the truth?
Butters: Can I go now?
Cartman: You guys are blind! I can't believe that everyone here is just buying into what they're told by the media! [begins to move away from the boys] I'm gonna go find out the truth. I'm gonna blow the lid off this whooole 9/11 conspiracy once and for all! [goes around a corner and disappears]
Kyle: [rolls his eyes] Oh no...
Scene Description: Montage. Cartman exits the school as the camera is in a position to watch him pass under the U.S. Flag. Next, he scours the Web for information on 9/11. He looks at the sites with a critical eye. Next, he goes to the library to find more in-depth information. Among the books Cartman is reading are "Security Tyrrany" and "How the Towers Fell." He goes up on a hill and sees the whole town laid out before him. He returns to the boys' room and analyzes the urinal. He makes himself some tea and watches a video on his computer that stops right before the second plane hits and presents a big red question mark. He's making notes on something while sitting in the armchair... it turns out to be a picture of the urinal with the deuce still in it.
Cartman: It is wrong for me to ask questions?Is it wrong to seek the truth?I just can't blindly accept their version.I can't base my logic on proof.Almost all the evidence points one way,But I'm like Charlie Sheen and Gloria Estefan:I need to know what really happenedOn 9/11-leven-leven-leven-leven.What really happenedOn 9/11?[He's back at his computer once more and clicks on his mouse]Of course. It's so obvious. How did we not see it before?
Scene Description: Next day, Mrs. Garrison's class is again in session. It's Show and Tell day. Leroy walks up to the front of the class and presents his topic.
Leroy: This is my frog. He doesn't have a name. He's a frog not a toad because toads don't ribbit. I think frogs are good pets. [he gets a smattering of applause from the other kids, then goes back to his seat]
Mrs. Garrison: Okay, thank you, Leroy, thanks for sharing your dumb little frog with the class. Okay, anybody else have anything for Show and Tell?
Cartman: [raises and waves his hand] Uh! Erh, eh. Uhhh!
Mrs. Garrison: All right, Eric, you can go next.
Cartman: [leaves his seat and goes to the front of the class with his laptop.] For Show and Tell today I have brought... [puts on some glasses] ...my shocking Powerpoint report on the truth!.. [removes the glasses for dramatic effect] behind the 9/11 attacks! [the lights go out and a projector is turned on]
Kyle: [rolls his eyes] Oh Christ...
Cartman: [his first image is that of the Twin Towers] We are told to believe that the fire from the jet fuel melted the steel framing of the towers, [the image gets animated as a cross-section of a wall is picked apart and the steel girders shown, which led to their collapse.] which led to their collapse. But did you know jet fuel doesn't burn at a high enough temperature to melt steel? [the other kids look at each other. Kyle's eyes are half-closed, showing his disinterest] We were told the Pentagon was hit by a hijacked plane as well, [a picture of the Pentagon with the damage clearly visible. A helicopter hovers nearby] but now look at this photo of the Pentagon. The hole is not nearly big enough. And if a plane hit it, where is the rest of the plane?
Clyde: Whoa...
Cartman: So now, the inevitable question: if terrorists didn't cause 9/11, who did? [he begins to use his fingers to show the numbers as he says them] Remember that there are in fact two towers. Two minus one is one; one one - 11; two minus one is one; one one, and there are nine members on Silverstein's board of directors. That's nine-one-one. Nine-eleven. And take 2 - 1 + 9/11 and you get 12, which leads us all to the mastermind of the 9/11 attacks. [click. Kyle now appears superimposed on the 9/11 picture already onscreen]. Kyle!
Kyle: Me??!
Cartman: Twelve contains the numbers one and two, just like the toilet yesterday where somebody went number two instead of number one! And one and two with 911 and you get 914! Drop the 4 and it's 91! Exactly the score Kyle got on his spelling test twelve days after 9/11! Who has the most to gain from 9/11?! Kyle! Who was nowhere to be found the morning the towers fell?! Kyle! Who dropped the deuce in the urinal?! Kyle! But probably the most damning of all is the evidence seen in this photo of Tower 2! [clicks, and another shot of the Twin Towers is shown] When I zoomed in I saw what first appeared to be a blur, [he zooms in on the picture, which just becomes pixilated] but when I computer-enhanced it, [the pixilation disappears as the picture sharpens - it's a drawing of an evil Kyle with a large, sharp knife in his right hand] You almost got away with it, you sneaky butthole.
Scene Description: The bell rings again and the kids once again enter the hall. The camera looks towards the front doors. Kyle walks toward the camera and scratches his nose.
Kyle: Hey Token. [Token does not respond, but just watches him walk by. Kyle stops by Butters and Craig] You-you gonna watch the game tonight, Butters? [Butters is suddenly scared]
Butters: Waaaah! [drops his book and runs away. The other kids just stare at Kyle]
Kyle: All right, all right, I was not responsible for 9/11! [the other kids move away quickly] God-damnit!
Scene Description: Kyle's house, after school. Kyle walks in through the front door, upset. He slams the door shut behind him. Sheila is cleaning the coffee table in front of the couch
Sheila: Hello bubbe, how was school today?
Kyle: [stops in front of Sheila, to her left] Terrible.
Sheila: Oh, come on, school isn't all that bad.
Kyle: But, everyone thinks I was responsible for 9/11.
Sheila: Whatwhatwhaaat?!
Scene Description: A PTA meeting, later
Sheila: We have to do something! It is obvious our children are still completely confused about 9/11!
Principal Victoria: Yes, we need to go over it again in the classroom so they understand what really happened.
Skeeter: Well, what really happened? There's strong evidence that what we were told isn't the truth.
Other men: Oh no, oh brother, oh God.
Mr. Adler: [stands up] That's right. Did you know that there were explosions seen at the base of the towers?
Other men: Oh no, oh God, that's so retarded.
Mr. Mackey: [stands up] Look, what-ever you believe, the fact of the matter is somebody... dropped a dookie in the school urinal, and there's still no explanation for that!
Sheila: Mr. Mackey, there are more important things going on here!
Mr. Mackey: More important?! You aren't the one, who had to walk into the boys' bathroom, okay, after having tuh, to wake up early, you know, there's no, no coffee in the teachers' lounge, and then you, you walk into the bathroom just to find a big dook laying there in the urinal! Like it's laughin' at you!
Jimbo: He's right! The turd could have been put there to cover up 9/11!
Mr. Mackey: No, I'm not saying they're related!
Randy: [rises] How do we know they're not? We need to be brave enough to ask questions! [makes a fist]
Skeeter: It's obvious that before we go any further, we need to find out who was behind 9/11 once and for all!
Richard: Who else could it have been?
Det. Yates: This is too big a mystery for me. I think we'd better call in the Hardly Boys.
Mr. Mackey: Oh no, not the Goddamned-
Scene Description: A montage of the Hardly Boys follows. The same music and montage as before are played
Narrator: The Hardly Boys. Two young whippersnappers with a knack for solving mysteries. The Hardly Boys in: [the cover of a new book is shown] The Case of the World Trade Center Conspiracy.
Scene Description: Police headquarters. Det. Yates has a post-9/11 picture with a circled question mark where the towers used to be.
Det. Yates: So that's about the long and short of it, Hardly Boys. There were two towers that stood right here, [shows off the question mark] and they're gone.
Frank: And nobody knows who's responsible?
Det. Yates: There are theories, but, nobody's certain.
Joe: Nnnn, who would benefit most from two buildings disappearing?
Frank: Ooo... oh, I just started getting a clue.
Joe: Really?
Frank: Yeah, I'm totally getting a clue.
Joe: Oh... Oh, that's giving me a clue. Yeah, ye-yeah, I've got a raging clue right now.
Frank: Mine's pointing to the left.
Joe: Oh F-, oh Frank, seriously, I have such a raging clue right now, I think we'd better follow it.
Frank: Okay, let's follow your raging clue.
Joe: Oofff.
Randy: [watches them walk away] Godspeed.
Scene Description: Kyle's house, night. The front door opens and Kyle looks out. A couple of agents look back at him from their car parked out in front of the house. One looks both ways to make sure no one is coming while the other looks at his watch. Kyle move away from the entrance and closes the door softly
Stan: [appears suddenly in the living room] Kyle!
Kyle: [jumps] Aaaah!
Stan: Dude, do you mind telling me why CIA guys [looks around] are coming to my house and questioning me about you??
Kyle: I don't know, dude. It's like everyone's putting pieces together that aren't there.
Stan: Well why did you have to involve me??
Kyle: It's not my fault.
Stan: All right, look, I've been doing a lot of research on the Web and I found an organization who says they can prove you weren't involved in 9/11.
Kyle: Really?
Stan: Come on. We'll go out the back so they don't see you. [moves off, then stops and turns around] There's just one thing I need to know before we go: you weren't responsible for 9/11, right?
Kyle: ...Dude.
Stan: [mulls it over] That's all I needed. [turns around and heads for the back door. Kyle follows.]
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, next day. The bell rings and the students are all in the gym. Mr. Mackey addresses them
Mr. Mackey: Now you might all think I've given up finding out who crapped in the urinal. M'kay? And maybe, maybe you think it's a victimless crime. This, is Mr. Venezuela [walks up to a school janitor, who's a Latino with mop and bucket in hand], the school janitor. Okay? [the fourth graders are shown with some kindergartners in front of them] He's the person... who has to clean up... when some trickster... drops a dook in the wrong toilet! Mr. Venezuela makes six bucks an hour at best! Okay? He's got three kids at home, he's got a car that barely works, he's gotta clean up puke with sawdust, m'kay, then he walks into the boys' room and sees a big meaty chud starin' him in the face! [the sixth graders are shown seated to the left of the fourth graders] So when you crapped in that urinal, m'kay, you might as well have just dropped your pants, and laid a turd right on top of Mr. Venezuela's head! [the kids laugh] Oh, you think it's funny, huh?!
Mrs. Garrison: Mr. Mackey! [he and Principal Victoria enter the gym] We got him.
Mr. Mackey: Huh?
Mrs. Garrison: We caught the person that did it.
Scene Description: Somewhere... A taxi drops Stan and Kyle off in front of a large house. They walk up to the front door and Stan knocks.
Stan: Hi, we were hoping you can help us. My friend is being blamed for 9/11.
Man: [wearing a 911truth.org T-shirt] Aw geez. Come on in, kids. [the boys enter. A model of the towers stands on the coffee table while the computer displays a 9/11 Web page. The rest of the office is littered with 9/11 stuff] It doesn't surprise me. More and more people are being blamed for 9/11 every day.
Kyle: They are?
911truth man: Yeah, it a way of keeping people from seeing the real evidence. I know it seems crazy, but 9/11 was pulled off by our own government, so they could gain support for attacking the Middle East.
Kyle: What? No no no.
911truth man: I know it's hard to believe.
Stan: Dude, why would the government attack its own buildings?
911truth man: It's called the False Flag policy. Make it look like the enemy attacked you. Get all your citizens riled up and waving American flags. Then you're free to invade any country you want.
Kyle: ...That's retarded.
911truth man: [sits at his computer and starts typing away] Look into the evidence of 9/11 and you'll see there are a lot of holes in their story.
Kyle: There's a lot of holes in the Theory of Evolution too; it doesn't mean it's wrong.
911truth man: You don't understand! The government controls everything. The media, the corporations, they have the power to do anything they want. Here, look! [grabs two large glass jars and hands them to Kyle] Read the labels on these! Go on, read them!
Kyle: [reads the labels] Code 234
911truth man: We think they came from a government office.
Kyle: What is it?
911truth man: It's anthrax.
Kyle: Anthrax?!
911truth man: Someday we'll use it as evidence against them.
Kyle: Stan, we can't be seen with this nutjob! [at that moment the house is raided by Chicago cops. The doors and windows fall away as they rush inside. An ambulance and a lot of police cars wait outside as a helicopter hovers overhead. Kyle stands with the jars of anthrax, sure that he's in big trouble] Aw, aw, awww!
Scene Description: Mr. Mackey's office, day. He's addressing the guilty party...
Mr. Mackey: Why, Clyde? Why did you do it?
Clyde: I don't know. [looks away as Mr. Mackey gets up, walks around the desk, and stands behind him, to his left]
Mr. Mackey: You got a whole school here, Clyde! M'kay? You got over three hundred people that need to use the boys' room. [walks behind Clyde to the right side. Clyde looks away and to the left] Then you decide you're gonna be a comedian, m'kay, and pinch one off in the urinal, and leave it layin' there for everyone to have to look at! [Clyde tries hard to contain his laughter] Okay okay, you think it's funny, but nobody else does! They gotta walk in that bathroom and see your rancid dook propped up against the back of the urinal like a brown rag doll! [Clyde grins, then bursts out laughing. The door opens and Principal Victoria looks in]
Principal Victoria: Mr. Mackey, Clyde's parents are here.
Mr. Mackey: M'kay, that's good! [Principal Victoria walks away. Mr. Mackey addresses Clyde again] Let's see what your mom and dad have to say about your little poopscapade! [The Donovans show up] Come on in, please. I'm just trying to get your son to explain why... he would drop a dook in the urinal!
Mr. Donovan: Mr. Mackey, there's something you should know...
Scene Description: The White House, day. Stan, Kyle, and the man from 911truth.org are brought into the Oval Office by the Secret Service. The President's staff awaits.
Kyle: Eh-xcuse me, there's been a misunderstanding.
Donald Rumsfeld: Come on in, Mr. President. [President Bush comes in through one of the side doors]
Kyle: Uh, Mr. President, my name is-
Bush: SSHHUUDDUUPP!! You think we don't know your name?! We know everything! We control everything! [walks to his desk] We've all worked very hard to keep our involvement in 9/11 a secret! But you just had to keep digging!
Kyle: [quite surprised] Really?
911truth man: You won't get away with it! People know!
Bush: People? You mean sheeple. We have the majority of them kept in blissful ignorance. Just one more... leak... [pulls out a pistol and his voice gets sinister] to fix... [the Secret Service agents take the 911truth man to the President]
911truth man: Wait. What are you doing?
Bush: [leaves his desk and cocks the gun] You've been a thorn in our side for too long, I'm afraid.
911truth man: No! You can't do this! [Bush grabs him by the collar] Please! I'll stop. I'll take down the Web site. I'll sto- [the President sticks the gun into the man's mouth] Oh no! Oh no!
Bush: Too late. [squeezes the trigger once and the bullet goes clear through the man's head. The 911truth man is dead]
Stan: JESUS CHRIST!!
Rumsfeld: [Condoleezza Rice stands to his left] Hahaha. He died like a pig.
Bush: [wipes the blood off his clothes and skin] Some pigs never learn.
Kyle: [in sheer disbelief, cocks his head right] No. Way.
Stan: He was right. You DID cause 9/11.
Bush: Yes. Quite simple to pull off, really. All I had to do was have explosives planted in the base of the towers. Then on 9/11 we pretended like four planes were being hijacked.when really we just rerouted them to Pennsylvania, then flew two military jets into the World Trade Center filled with more explosives, then shot down all the witnesses of Flight 93 with an F-15 after blowing up the Pentagon with a Cruise missile. It was only the world's most intricate and flawlessly-executed ever, ever.
Kyle: [ever more incredulous, cocks his head left and lower] ...Really??
Stan: Why?!
Bush: [smiling, he begins to pace] Oldest reason in the world. Money. The towers fell and the American sheeple all waved their flags. [walks by Dick Cheney, who's got a crossbow and is dressed to hunt] Finally we could invade Iraq, [finishes off with sinister glee] and get the oil which made us all richer than before.
Rumsfeld: [rubs his hands together greedily] Beauutiful money, hahahaha!
Kyle: [cocks his head right and even lower. He's not buying it] ...Really??
Stan: [off on a different page] Is the whole government in on this?
Bush: We are all-knowing and all-powerful. Good-bye, boys. [steps aside as Dick Cheney takes aim at them. Cheney fires an arrow at them, but the arrow hits a marble vase on a table behind the boys. The arrow bounces off the vase and hits fire alarm, which sets off the sprinkler system. Everyone does his best not to get wet]
Cheney: Dangit! I missed again!
Bush: For Christ's sake, Cheney! [Two aids open the doors to the Oval Office and enter]
Stan: [seeing their chance] Kyle! Run! [the boys take off with the Secret Service in hot pursuit]
Bush: KILL THEM!
Scene Description: Attendance office, day, next to the Principal's office. Mr. Mackey stands there with Principal Victoria in the background, at her desk. He picks up the PA mic.
Mr. Mackey: Attention students. Apparently, Clyde could not have been the one who crapped in the urinal, because Clyde had a colostomy at age 5. 'Kay? Now, whoever did this unspeakable act is still at large. The boys' bathroom is closed until further notice, 'cause one of you thought it would be a good idea... to pull down your pants... m'kay, hover your buttcheeks over the urinal... and squeeze out a chocolate hot dog... m'kay? [all the kids in the hall listen, then start laughing] Oh you think that's funny, huh?! [Principal Victoria is also snickering in the background] Let me assure you, there is nothing funny... about going up to a nice, clean, unsuspectin' urinal, [next shot is the school gym, where some students are practicing their basketball skills, but now they're listening] 'kay, droppin' your pants then... turnin' around... squattin' over that urinal, 'kay, maybe... maybe pullin' your buttcheeks apart with your hands, m'kay, and then layin' out a big fudge dragon for all the world to see. [the kids there begin to laugh] Oh yeah, that's real funny! [turns off the mic and slams it down] I'm gonna catch this sonofabitch if it's the last thing I DO! M'kay?! [moves off]
Scene Description: A bus terminal. A bus pulls in from Washington D.C. and the door opens. Passengers pour out, including Stan and Kyle.
Stan: All right, now we have to switch over to Interbus 65. We made it dude. [next scene is another city, somewhere] We should be home in less than eighteen hours. Then we'll tell everyone what we saw.
Kyle: It just... doesn't seem right.
Stan: Yeah, our eyes are finally open, dude. It's like waking up for the first time.
Kyle: Yeah... but doesn't it seem like we got out of the White House pretty easily? I mean, it seems like it would be pretty hard to escape from the White House with everyone chasing you, and we just kind of... ran out. [a door opens besides them and the 911truth man the President had shot exits a restaurant and goes the other direction]
Stan: Well dude, maybe we're just super badass. Have you thought of that? [Kyle stops and turns around]
Kyle: Hey! [the 911truth man turns around, then panics as he recognizes the boys] Dude. You're alive? [the man stands there for a few seconds, not knowing what to do, then turns around and runs away, pushing people aside. Kyle gives chase] Come back here! [the man keeps running]
Man 1: Hey!
Man 2: Ogh!
Scene Description: the POV changes to that of a dead-end alley. The camera descends from on high as the 911truth man runs down the alley. It stops descending when Stan and Kyle round the corner. The man reaches a chain-link fence and tries to climb it. The boys come in closer. The man fails to climb the fence and drops to the ground when the boys reach him.
911truth man: [begins to plead] No. Please. Pleeease!
Kyle: Dude! What the hell is going on?!
911truth man: Don't kill me! I, I just do what they say!
Stan: What who said?
911truth man: I have a family. Please don't kill me!
Kyle: Dude, we aren't going to kill you. [just then a gunshot is heard and the 911truth man falls dead... again]
Stan: Oh God!
Bearded man: [appears with the smoking gun] It isn't safe here, boys. Follow me!
Kyle: Who the fuck are you?!
Bearded man: There's no time! come on! [the camera pans up but stays focused on the three folks as the boys follow the bearded man out of the alley.]
Scene Description: A mansion, night. The bearded man escorts Stan and Kyle in and leads them to his library
Kyle: Do you mind telling us what the hell is going on??
Stan: Who are you?
Bearded man: [pours himself a drink] I'm a detective, and I'm afraid that you kids have been double-crossed.
Kyle: You f-figured this thing all out?
Bearded man: Not me. My mystery-solving sons. Come on in, boys. [the Hardly Boys enter] My boys were researching who went number two in the urinal at your school when they discovered something odd, which gave them a clue.
Frank: Gave us both a clue.
Mr. Hardly: That clue led them to a 9/11 conspiracy group party, where they got a lot more clues.
Joe: I was getting a clue like every two minutes.
Frank: I got such a raging clue that I almost shot clue goo all over Joe.
Mr. Hardly: Those clues pointed out that all the 9/11 conspiracy theories could be disproven scientifically. And that's when Frank got his biggest clue.
Frank: It was huuuge.
Mr. Hardly: That all the 9/11 conspiracy Web sites are run by the government. The 9/11 conspiracy... is a government conspiracy.
Stan: Aw Jesus...
Kyle: Why would the government want people to believe they caused 9/11?
Mr. Hardly: For a government to have power, they must appear to have complete control. What better way to make people fear them than to convince them they are capable of the most elaborate plan on earth?
Bush: [off-screen] That's quite enough, Hardly! [the camera shows him entering with his staff] Don't believe what he says, boys; we caused 9/11. [brings forth a manila folder] It's all right here in these secret documents, [hugs the folder tight] but you'll never get them. [turns around as he yawns, dropping the folder to the floor behind him. No one picks it up]
Kyle: I knew it! You didn't plan 9/11 and you really didn't shoot that guy!
Bush: [dropping the act] Boys, you don't understand. People need to think we are all-powerful. That we control the world. If they know we weren't in charge of 9/11 then... we appear to control nothing.
Kyle: Well why don't you just tell people the truth?!
Bush: We do that too. And most people believe the truth. But one fourth of the population is retarded. If they wanna believe we control everything with intricate plans, why not let them?
Mr. Hardly: Just one thing, Mr. President: How the devil did you know we were all here? [a close-up of Kyle. A gun appears next to his left temple. The camera moves clockwise as it refocuses on Stan, who's got the gun aimed at Kyle. Stan must have told the President]
Stan: How come you couldn't just go home, dude? That's all we had to do!
Kyle: Stan! What the fuck?!
Stan: It was all planned out!
Kyle: You knew this whole time? Why?
Stan: Because it was me. I'm the one who took a dump in the urinal.
Kyle: [backs away a bit] What??
Stan: The stalls were full and I didn't wanna miss recess! I didn't think it would turn into such a big deal!
Kyle: So you blamed the government?!
Mr. Hardly: And the government was more than willing to take the blame, so long as it made them look responsible for 9/11!
Stan: [lowers his pistol] Oh man, now everyone's gonna know. Why did the stupid Hardly Boys have to be so good at solving mysteries?
Kyle: So wait, wait: Stan took a dump in the urinal and he contacted the conspiracy Web site? But the conspiracy site was run by the government?
Stan: Yuh.
Kyle: So then, who was responsible for 9/11?
Stan: Whattaya mean? A bunch of pissed-off Muslims.
Frank: [giggles] Yeah. What are you, retarded? [The President and his staff laugh heartily]
Mr. Hardly: Well, it looks like this mystery is solved. It's time for the culprit to finally pay!
Scene Description: The boys' room at South Park Elementary, day. Stan is cleaning the urinal under Mr. Mackey's supervision
Mr. Mackey: When you dook in the urinal, it's bad, m'kay! [Stan squirts some cleaning fluid onto the urinal basin] How would you feel... if somebody came into your home, m'kay, pulled down their pants and laid a big mud monkey right on your mom's face? [Stan laughs] Oh you think that's funny, huh?! Yeah, that's real funny!


Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day, school hall. The bell rings and the students go to their lockers. Stan and Kyle put some books away as Cartman shares an encounter with Kenny and the other two.
Cartman: And so then, I put my finger up my butthole, right? And I walked up to Kelly Nelson, and I said, "Do you smell lemon grass?", and she smelled my finger and puked! Hehehehe. Oh, guys, you should have been there.
Hall monitor: [a ginger, he taps on Cartman's right shoulder] Eric, I have to take you to the principal's office.
Cartman: What? I didn't do it, Kelly Nelson's a liar!
Hall monitor: I've been instructed to bring you to the principal's office.
Cartman: Oh, suck my balls you ginger Jew rat hall monitor! Punkass stoolie, who the fuck do you think you are?!
Hall monitor: I'm just doin' my job.
Cartman: [taunting and jabbing at him] I'm juh duh duh duhhh! Do you know why you're a hallway monitor?! Because you don't have any friends! You should kill yourself! You should kill yourself!!
Principal Victoria: Eric Cartman, report to the principal's office immediately.
Cartman: Aw Goddamnit!
Scene Description: The principal's office, moments later. A knock is heard at the door.
Principal Victoria: Come on in, Eric. [Cartman and the hall monitor enter]
Cartman: [apologizes, but in a blasé fashion] I'm sorry, Principal Victoria. I didn't mean to do it, how could I have been so foolish?
Principal Victoria: Eric, the reason we called you in here is because it is your turn to be the school hallway monitor. [the former hall monitor removes his belt and sash and prepares to give them to Cartman]
Cartman: The hall monit- me?
Mr. Mackey: You need to watch for bad behavior, and make sure anyone in the halls during class has a hall pass. M'kay? [Cartman receives the sash and the former hall monitor leaves]
Principal Victoria: If anyone doesn't, you have the authority to bring them to me.
Cartman: [incredulous] Auth- authoritah?
Mr. Mackey: Now Eric, being the school hallway monitor is a big responsibility. M'kay? It is important that you take the job seriously, and that you don't abuse the power.
Cartman: Ahem. Me?
Scene Description: A montage. First scene is the school hall. Cartman pops up dressed as Dog the Bounty Hunter. He walks around and strikes a few poses. He pockets a can of Bear Spray into its holster, makes sure he has handcuffs, then resets his fake facial hair. Next, he pretends he's driving a real car. Back at school, he walks into view and strikes one more dramatic pose, then the POV changes and he's walking towards the camera. One more scene has him turning the steering wheel of an SUV.
Cartman: There's fear and darkness all around you The criminals are on the run No use in not having your hall pass I'll take you to the principal 'cause I'm the Dawg I am the Dawg, the big bad Dawg The Hallway Monitor! [laughs until a hand appears and knocks on the driver's window.]
Car Salesman: [opens the door] Hey, kid, get outta there.
Cartman: That's cool. I'm done making my video anyways. [leaves. The video shoot resumes at school. Cartman is on the job when he turns around and sees someone else in the hall. He strikes a dramatic pose and yells] Hall pass! Show me your hall pass!
Boy: What?
Cartman: [shoves the boy into the lockers and whips out the Bear Spray] You know what this is? This is the mace that they use on bears, faggot! Now let me see your hall pass!
Boy: It's right here. [reaches into his pocket and pulls it out to show him]
Cartman: [releases the boy] All right, cool, brah. Go with Christ. [turns right and walks away. The boy isn't quite finished]
Boy: What? You can't just push me up against the-
Cartman: [kicks the boy away] Argh!
Boy: [flies out of view]Aah!
Cartman: [marches on] I am the Dawg, the big bad- [stops] Oh my God! [sees a wad of paper on the floor, runs up to pick it up and checks it out] What the fuck is this?!
Scene Description: Kindergarten. The kindergartners' new teacher is shown teaching them about shapes. She's drawn a circle and is now drawing a square
Teacher: And so this shape with four sides is what, class?
Cartman: [bursts into the classroom] Boyarrrgh! [everyone turns to see who it is. Cartman walks up to Ike] Ike Broflovski! You littering my hallway, brah?!
Teacher: What are you doing?!
Cartman: I found this in the hallway. [unfolds the wad of paper - it's a drawing Ike made of his teacher with hearts all around her] Apparently your student Ike has a crush on you. [Ike looks around nervously] You got a crush on your teacher, brah?! Keep it out of my hallway! Go with Christ. Here you go. [hands the drawing to the teacher and heads for the door]
Teacher: I don't think that's really necessary.
Cartman: Hey! I don't tell you how to run your class, don't tell me how to run my hallway! [leaves and closes the door]
Fillmore: Ike has a crush on teacher!
Class: Ike has a crush on teacher! [the class laughs]
Teacher: That's enough, class! [the period ends and the teacher begins erasing the chalkboard] Okay, well see you tomorrow, everybody. Ike, could you stay just a few minutes, please? [Fillmore takes his crayon and leaves. The teacher moves towards Ike] Ike, I'm very flattered, by all of your love notes, but I need to be clear. See, there've been a lot of female teachers on the news lately who have been having relationships with young male students and, people might get the wrong idea, even though... I do admire you. You are so smart and gifted. Soo mature for your age.
Ike: I don't like Mason.
Teacher: You listen, and you really care about what I have to say. You make me feel things I've never... [reaches out to Ike and touches his right hand] felt before. [she and Ike hold hands, but she lets go and leaves her seat] Ike, this is crazy. I'm your teacher. How can we be having these feelings for each other? [turns around and faces him] You're so mysterious, and I can't... and I can't... [begins to swoon. A montage follows]
Scene Description: She and Ike rub noses as a heart frames them. Their shadows rush up and hug each other, then twirl around together as hearts pulsate outward. They hold hands again. She takes him out to dinner and chatters away. She takes him out to ice-skate at a skating rink. She takes him out to a dinner picnic before a setting sun - they share wine and cheese. She takes him out for a ride on a duck boat - she does the driving. She has an artist draw a picture of them. They hop onto a merry-go-round and get on horses - she blows a kiss at him there. She takes him home and watches TV with him
REO Speedwagon: And I can't fight this feelin' anymore I've forgotten what I started fightin' for And if I have to crawl upon the floor Come crashin' through your door Baby, I cant fight this feelin' anymore [the last scene is the two of them under the covers ]
Teacher: That was unbelievable. I've never felt like such a woman before. They'll say our love is wrong, but we can't let anybody know; they'll never understand. [rolls to her right and starts massaging Ike tenderly] We were meant to be, I know it. How else could sex be that incredible? [lays back down]
Ike: [oops] Ike made a nuno.
Scene Description: The boy's room at South Park Elementary. Butters rushes in and towards the urinal. Once in place, he sets his hall pass aside, drops his pants, raises his shirt, and lets fly
Butters: Hey there, Mr. Wiener, whattaya know? Do ya need to tinkle tinkle? [falsetto] Yes I do think so.
Cartman: [bursts into the restroom. Butters is startled] Hands?! Let me see those hands!
Butters: [backs off] Haaaah!
Cartman: [advances] Where's your pass?! Show me your hall pass, brah!
Butters: [looks around frantically for it] It's, it's... I just had it! [keeps looking, but Cartman grabs him...]
Cartman: I knew it! [...slams his head against a toilet stall, then tosses him to the floor, cuffs him, and escorts him out of the restroom. Butters doesn't get a chance to pull his pants up. The hall pass remains on the sink where Butters left it.]
Scene Description: The waiting room outside the principal office, moments later. Cartman and Butters wait on the bench outside, and Butters still has his pants around his ankles
Cartman: Look, brah, I had to bring you in, but I don't have any hard feelin's against you all right?
Butters: Huh?
Cartman: Here, you need a smoke, brah?
Butters: Uhh, okay. [Cartman puts a cigarette into Butters' mouth, then lights it for him]
Cartman: You've gotta give yourself over to Christ, brah.
Butters: I do. [coughs]
Cartman: Jesus is Lord. You can go one direction in life, or you just walk around the hallways without a hall pass. Or you can see the light, brah. [Butters coughs some more]
Scene Description: The Broflovski house, afternoon. Kyle walks in.
Sheila: [greets him holding some laundry] Kyle, I need you to go get your brother over at his teacher's house.
Kyle: Huh?
Sheila: Tell his teacher I'm sorry, but I forgot he has a doctor's appointment today.
Kyle: What's he doing at his teacher's house?
Sheila: He's been going there in the afternoons for private tutoring.
Scene Description: The teacher's house, a lovely one-story structure. Starland Vocal Band's "Afternoon Delight" is playing inside. Kyle walks up to the front door and knocks.
Kyle: Hello? [finds the door open and walks in] Excuse me. I'm here to pick up Ike? [moves further into the house] Uh, hello? Is Ike here? [enters the room the music and some giggling is coming from - it's the bathroom] Hello? [the teacher, in the bathtub, looks at him]
Teacher: OOOH! [covers her breasts]
Kyle: Oh God! [squeezes his eyes shut] I'm sorry. [opens them again] I didn't mean to-ah, I'm looking for my brother. [Ike pops up out of the water dressed in snorkel gear. Kyle's eyebrows go up] Ike?? [they just look at him] What the hell is going on??
Teacher: Oh, what's the use, Ike? We're caught. [moments later, an angry Kyle is pulling Ike towards the front door] Hold on, please, you don't understand.
Kyle: [turns to look at her] Really?! What's there not to understand?!
Teacher: Your brother and I... are in love.
Kyle: He's a little young, don't you think?!
Ike: Oh. [angrily, he leaves Kyle for his teacher]
Teacher: Ike is very mature for his age, and you know it!
Ike: Ring around the rosey.
Teacher: He makes me feel like nobody else does. He loves me and only me, and I know I'm a goddess to him. When we make love, he can give it to me HARD, or soft and gentle-
Kyle: All right! We're getting the hell out of here! [begins to pull Ike away from the teacher]
Ike: [resisting] Nonono, nononono.
Kyle: Ike, you can't possibly want this. We have to tell Mom.
Ike: [sobbing] No, no.
Kyle: Ike?
Teacher: Is it so hard to believe that true love exists?
Kyle: [turns to the front door] This is nuts.
Scene Description: The Broflovski house, dinnertime.
Kyle: Mom, Dad, have you ever met Ike's kindergarten teacher? [Ike glares at Kyle]
Sheila: Miss Stevenson? Yes. She's very nice.
Kyle: Yeah. Well, she likes Ike a whole lot.
Sheila: That's great.
Kyle: Yyeah, except maybe it's not perfectly great, because to some degree, Ike and Ms. Stevenson are having an-.
Ike: Spider-Man! I'm safe, Mom.
Sheila: Yes, Ike, you like Spider-Man, don't you?
Kyle: Mom, there might be something that you should look into about Ike staying after school all the time-
Ike: Weohhh part ten. Mom-my I love you I love you.
Sheila: Mommy loves you too, sweetie.
Kyle: Would you excuse us for a second? [leaves his chair and takes Ike to the living room. Kyle now addresses Ike] You just can't expect me to sit there and say nothing. No, Ike, I'm supposed to be looking out for you. So what? I wasn't going to just blurt it out, I was gonna use some tact, but you won't even let me... What? Uh uh! Stop right there, Ike! [Ike replies with a series of snippets from nursery rhymes, which has nothing to do with Kyle's concern. Kyle is finished, and the two of them return to the table] Mom, I think maybe you should talk to Ike about love and sex!
Sheila: Sex? Oh bubbe, Ike is much too young. [silence follows as the family continues eating]
Scene Description: Park County Police Station, day. Seems like Officer Barbrady and his police station have been phased out for good now. Detective Yates and his men are in the breakroom eating lunch
Det. Yates: You're so full of crap, Foley.
Foley: What? I did shoot him in the face. Twice.
Kyle: [appears at the breakroom entrance] Ex, excuse me? [the officers look, and he walks in] My name is... Brad. And uh I need to report a crime. Anonymously.
Yates: Oh? What's the crime?
Kyle: Well, I attend South Park Elementary, ah-and... w-one of the teachers is having sssex with a student.
Yates: Oh my God! This is terrible! [other officers say other things. Yates and another officer get on bended knee next to Kyle] Ya-you did the right thing telling the police, Brad. Now, who is the teacher? What's his name?
Kyle: Well, it isn't a guy teacher. It's a woman.
Foley: A woman?
Kyle: Yeah. She's having sex with a boy. [the officer to his right is taking notes.]
Mitch: Oh, but, but she's ugly, right?
Kyle: Well no, not really. It's the Kindergarten teacher, Miss Stevenson.
Yates: The blonde?
Kyle: Yeah.
Foley: Some young boy is having sex with Miss Stevenson?
Kyle: [firmly] Yes.
Foley: Nisssse.
Yates: Nnice.
Kyle: What?! No, you don't understand-
Foley: You sure they've had sex?
Kyle: Yeah.
Officer 1: Has she performed oral sex on him?
Kyle: I think so.
Officer 1: ...Nice.
Foley: Nisssse.
Officer 1: [whispers] Nisssse.
Yates: So wait, what, what's the crime?
Foley: The crime is, she isn't doing it with me. [jabs jokingly at Officer 2. All the officers laugh]
Kyle: Hay! He's totally underage. She's taking advantage of him.
Yates: You're right. We're sorry. This is serious. We need to track this student down and... give him his "Luckiest Boy In America" medal right away. [All the officers laugh harder]
Kyle: [throws his hands up in frustration and leaves] Gargh!
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day, hallway. The students at either at their lockers or milling around. Kyle approaches Stan and Kenny.
Kyle: Guys, can I talk to you?
Stan: Sure dude.
Kyle: I need you to keep quiet about this, all right? [Cartman walks up] My little brother and his tea-
Cartman: Brahs, it's almost class time. I need you to start clearin' the hallways aright?
Kyle: Not now, Cartman! I have really serious problems!
Stan: Dude, what's the matter?
Kyle: The kindergarten teacher is having sex with my little brother.
Stan: ...Wow.
Kenny: (Reaaly??)
Cartman: Damn, brah, your little brother's pretty cool.
Kyle: It's not cool! Ike isn't old enough to understand.
Cartman: What's to understand? You get a boner, slap her titties around some and then stick it inside her and pee.
Kyle: [looks long and hard at Cartman] "stick it inside her and pee"
Cartman: Well, okay, fine. Unless you don't want to get her pregnant, then you pull it out and pee on her leg.
Stan: Dude, I really don't see a problem.
Cartman: Yeah, I've got bigger things to deal with.
Kyle: You guys don't understand! His wacko teacher is like a schoolgirl! They pass notes to each other in the classroom, they have sex at her house over lunch break, [Cartman waves Kyle off and walks away] and during class they sneak out and kiss in the hallways! [this stops Cartman and makes his eyes big]
Cartman: They what??
Kyle: They sneak out during class and make out in the hallways!
Cartman: [spins around] Hang on a second: making out in the hallways is strictly against school policy!
Kyle: Well they're doing it!
Cartman: Yeah, well now it's personal! The hallways are my jurisdiction! If there's a hallway infraction going on, they're gonna have to deal with the Dawg!
Scene Description: Kindergarten class, in session
Miss Stevenson: Okay, just continue with your macaroni pictures. Teacher has to step out for a second. Uh Ike, could you help me out, please? [Ike leaves his seat and joins Miss Stevenson outside. She puts him on the shelf of the telephone booth next to the classroom] Oh Ike, I just had to have a second alone with you.
Ike: I like dada better.
Miss Stevenson: I got your love letter, and I wrote you one back. Oh, just one kiss to hold me over for the rest of class. [she begins to kiss Ike. Cartman appears in the distance and turns right...]
Cartman: Hall infraction! [runs up to Miss Stevenson]
Miss Stevenson: [turning to Cartman] Oh uhh, we were just heading back in.
Cartman: You got a hall pass, brah?!
Miss Stevenson: I don't need a hall pass. I'm a teacher.
Cartman: Yeah? Well, where's his hall pass?!
Miss Stevenson: Look, just let us get back in-
Cartman: Get down on the floor!
Miss Stevenson: We're going back inside!
Cartman: [whips out the Bear Spray] You like bear mace, icehead?!
Miss Stevenson: Bear mace??
Cartman: You're goin' with Christ! [sprays Miss Stevenson pretty good]
Miss Stevenson: Oooooh!
Scene Description: Next stop, the principal's office. Cartman, Miss Stevenson and Ike stand before Principal Victoria
Cartman: ...And that's what I got, Principal brah. These two were in the hallway making out. She had those love letters on her person.
Principal Victoria: "Ike, I long to feel your arms around me"?? Miss Stevenson, you- you're having a relationship with this student?
Cartman: Yes. During classtime, without a hall pass.
Principal Victoria: This is unbelievable.
Cartman: I know. It's like a hall pass doesn't even matter to her.
Principal Victoria: Miss Stevenson, I will need to inform the police.
Miss Stevenson: [puts her hands to her cheeks] Oh God...
Cartman: You just dealt with the Dawg, bitch!
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, later. The front doors are open, revealing the school logo and the steps leading up to the hallways. Police and news reporters are present. Two officers exit with Miss Stevenson in handcuffs.
Yates: [sarcastically] Sorry we had to do this, but the lady principal insisted. [the officers move past Yates]
Randy: [shows up next to Jimbo and Ned] What's goin' on?
Jimbo: The kindergarten teacher is suspected of having sex with a student
Randy: With a student? But... she's a woman.
Jimbo: Yeah. I know.
Randy: But... she's hot.
Kyle: Wow. I think I owe you one, Cartman.
Cartman: You don't owe me anything. My hallways are cleeean. [points his index fingers at the camera]
Scene Description: The Broflovski house, night, Kyle's room. Kyle is writing something out when Ike appears at his doorway, pissed off that his teacher was taken away
Kyle: [sensing Ike, turns around in his chair] Ike, I didn't tell on you, you got busted by the hallway monitor. [Ike glares at him] Okay, okay. I did have something to do with it. But someday you're gonna realize it was for the best.
Ike: You are dead to me!
Kyle: What?
Ike: I said, you're dead to me!
Kyle: I'm dead to you?
Ike: [points at him] You're dead to me, Kyle!
Scene Description: Park County Police Station, day. Miss Stevenson is calling someone from there as officers stand around and discuss police items
Miss Stevenson: I'm at the police station. They say they found some evidence. I'm so scared. [Ike is at the other end of the line] Listen, I want you to know it's okay. If anybody tries to talk to you, you don't need to say anything. Just leave it to me. I know a way out of this.
Scene Description: News 4 Newsbreak: A reporter in front of the South Park Courthouse
Reporter: Tom, an elementary school teacher is under arrest for allegedly having an affair... with one of her young students. The case is shocking, due mostly to the fact that the teacher... is pretty hot, Tom. If the accusations are true, then... damn! Uh, looks like the defendant and her lawyer are about to give a statement, Tom.
Miss Stevenson: I am deeply sorry to announce that the allegations against me are true. Over the past several weeks, I have been having physical relations with one of my students.
Man 1: Nice.
Man 2: [whispers and squeezes his eyes shut] Nissse
Miss Stevenson: I know my actions were wrong, but I cannot be fully to blame. You see, I am an alcoholic.
Officer 2: Ohhhh.
Scene Description: Kyle's hosue, day. Cartman and Kyle are watching the special report nn TV
Miss Stevenson: Yes, I'm afraid it's true.
Cartman: Oh no!
Kyle: What?
Cartman: I don't believe it. She's using the Mel Gibson defense.
Scene Description: Back at the Courthouse
Miss Stevenson: I am a perfectly good person, but when I drink, the alcohol makes me say and do things I wouldn't normally do.
Yates: Well, that explains it.
Foley: Do we still press charges?
Yates: Who are we gonna convict? Johnny Walker?
Man 3: Poor woman. She's a victim.
Randy: Yeah, she's a hot victim. [looks around for any reaction, but none comes]
Lawyer: [steps up to the mic] My client has agreed to check herself into rehab immediately. [everyone cheers her on]
Print reporter: Good luck, ma'am. You can beat your alcoholism. [more cheering]
Scene Description: Park County Drug & Alcohol Rehabilitation Center. Patients line up and go in through a revolving door only to come back out and continue down the line.
Scene Description: The office of a rehab counselor. Miss Stevenson is seated before the counselor.
Therapist: Alcohol is a crutch which we use to medicate ourselves; to, to cover up emotional baggage from our past. Was there ever a history of sexual abuse in your family?
Miss Stevenson: No, but my uncle used to ask me and my twin sister to kiss and he'd take pictures.
Therapist: Nissse. [sometime later, they're outside the center. He sees her off] Congratulations, Miss Stevenson.
Miss Stevenson: All better now. [walks away, gets into her truck and drives away. She drives up to the Broflovski house, stops, gets out a ladder and extends it, props it up against Ike's window, and climbs up]
Scene Description: Ike's room. Ike is building something with Legos. Miss Stevenson appears at the window and opens it up
Miss Stevenson: Ike. [climbs in and walks to Ike. He turns and stands, his arms outstretched]
Ike: Miss Stephenson [she kneels down, picks him up and holds him close]
Miss Stevenson: Ike, we have to get out of here! They'll never let us be together. I think... I think we should go to Milan, like we always talked about. [puts both her hands to her heart]
Ike: Yaaaaaaaaaaaaay, Mulan!
Miss Stevenson: Get your things together. We don't have much time.
Scene Description: Kyle's room. He's at his desk copying text from from a book. He hears the sound of something landing on the ground outside, then of a car door closing. He gets up to investigate. He goes to Ike's room and opens the door, then looks around.
Kyle: Ike, are you okay? [sees an emptier room than usual, and the open window.] Ike? [walks up to the window and sees the ladder still in place.] Iiiike! [the teacher and Ike away.]
Scene Description: Park County Police Station, breakroom day. The officers are now eating pizza.
Yates: Are you sure you're not lying, Foley?
Foley: No, really! I shot both of them! They weren't even doin' nothin'!
Sheila: [enters the breakroom with Kyle following close behind] Help! Please, I need your help! That teacher, Miss Stevenson, she, she left town with my son! I got a note saying they're going to Milan!
Yates: You're kidding!
Sheila: No, it's true!
Yates: Damnit, where were all these sexed-up teachers when I was a kid?!
Sheila: This is serious!
Officer 1: Yeah, boys going to Milan with a beautiful older woman. Quick! Call the FBI! [the officers laugh. Detective Yates smiles]
Sheila: Are you going to do nothing?!
Yates: [irritated] All right all right, we'll make a report. Jesus...
Scene Description: The Broflovski house, day. Kyle sits at the edge of the patio, depressed. Cartman walks up to him
Cartman: There you are. What are you doing? You giving up, brah?!
Kyle: Dude, my brother's in Milan. There's nothing I can do.
Cartman: No, they haven't left yet. Their flight is tomorrow morning.
Kyle: How do you know that?
Cartman: I had Beth check out their Travelocity account.
Kyle: Who's Beth?
Cartman: Beth is my bitch. I put a whole crew together, brah. I'm gonna get that hallway-defilng slut no matter what it takes! Are you in?!
Scene Description: Music video. In this one, Cartman introduces his crew. One of them is "Kyle, Jew."
Cartman: I got some badass guys to help me. I only had to pay them fifteen bucks. You think you got away with not having a hall pass? You won't get away from me 'cause I'm the Dawg! I am the Dawg, the big bad Dawg! Think you can get away with not having a hall pass? Think again! [the video ends and the hallway looks normal again] How was that, Butters?
Butters: [behind the camera] Ehthat was pretty good.
Kyle: Can we get going now, please?!
Cartman: Yep. We're all done with the video, let's move out! [they go forth]
Scene Description: An airport Hilton, night. Planes can be seen behind it taking off.
Scene Description: A room at the Hilton. Ike is in bed watching TV. Miss Stevenson comes out of the bathroom.
Miss Stevenson: Ike, is that all you're gonna do is watch TV?
Ike: I love TV. Yaaay!
Miss Stevenson: [climbs into bed] But what about me? I want to talk. [Ike just goes back to watching the TV]
Scene Description: A car, night. Cartman and his crew are driving to the airport
Cartman: Everyone get a good look at our fugitive! I want her taken down fast and clean!
Leeroy: [in a retarded voice] She ran away; now she got to deal with the Dawg, huh?
Cartman: [determined] Beth found out they have a room at the Airport Hilton. We need to search it. Here's the hotel! [into the Intercom] Beth, tell Leeroy to pull up here! [Beth just signals for Earl to drive into the hotel driveway and stop at the front doors. Earl pulls up and brakes quickly] All right, let's go! Move out! [they leave the SUV and rush into the hotel]
Bellboy: Hey! You can't leave your car there!
Cartman: It's okay! I'm a hallway monitor! [they pass through the front entrance] Keep separation! Leeroy, check out our twenty!
Receptionist: Can I help you?
Cartman: You seen this woman, brah? [shows her a picture of Miss Stevenson] She's staying here!
Receptionist: Who are you?
Cartman: I am the Dawg, the big bad Dawg!
Head concierge: I think you should leave before I call the police!
Cartman: Beth! Bear-mace that guy! [she sprays bear mace all over the concierge and he crumbles to the floor, trying to vomit] Let's check out the rooms! Leeroy and Kyle go that way! Beth, you come with me!
Bellboy: [dials 911] We need police here, right away! [Cartman begins his rounds. He goes to Room 236 and knocks on the door with the bear mace can]
Guest 1: [a man, opens the door] Yes?
Cartman: I'm looking for this teacher! Is she in your room, brah?!
Guest 2: [an elderly man in Room 233] Do you mind keepin' it down?
Cartman: [walks over to the second guest] Keep your mouth shut, brah!!
Scene Description: Ike and the teacher's room. Both of them react to something. In the distance, police sirens sound and get closer to the hotel. Miss Stevenson looks out the window and sees three police cruisers pull up to the hotel, right outside her window
Miss Stevenson: Oh no! Ike! [Ike climbs up to see the commotion] They're on to us!
Ike: Oh no!
Miss Stevenson: Hurry darling! We have to get out of here!
Scene Description: The hotel lobby. The police rush in
Officers: What have we got? What have we got?!
Officer 3: Who called 911?!
Receptionist: They went that way. [points in the direction Kyle and Leeroy took. The concierge barfs continuously. The officers leave] Look out! They have bear mace!
Scene Description: The hotel, upstairs. Kyle and Leeroy make the rounds on the third floor.
Leeroy: [pounds at the door at Room 323] Open up! I'm with the Dawg! [pounds some more]
Kyle: Oh crap! [some officers round the corner at the far end of the hall]
Officer 4: [draws his gun] You freeze right there! [Kyle and Leeroy run in the other direction]
Scene Description: The fifth floor. Miss Stevenson covers up and peeks into the hallway. She looks both ways, then steps out of the room
Miss Stevenson: Come on, darling! [Ike steps out and they beginning walking. Earl rounds the corner behind them and catches them]
Earl: Hey! [they stop and the camera zooms in on Earl.] Uh I got 'em, Dawg. Fifth floor!
Cartman: Praise Christ! Let's go! [the elderly man is convulsing from the effects of the bear mace.]
Miss Stevenson: Ike, run! [back on the second floor, Cartman and Beth run down a hallway]
Cartman: Bear mace that guy! And that guy! [Beth maces another bellboy and a guest as she and Cartman run by. Police officers round the corner and run after them]
Scene Description: The roof. Miss Stevenson and Ike have made it all the way to the top. Cartman, Beth and Earl show up behind them and run out onto the roof. Police officers show up behind them and run out onto the roof
Cartman: Freeze, bitch!
Officer 5: Freeze!
Officer 6: Hands up! Hands up!
Officer 7: Don't move! Don't move!
Cartman: It's all right! There's been a misunderstanding! I'm a hall monitor. [the officers are somewhat stunned] This fugitive is trying to avoid a hallway infraction by skipping off to Milan.
Officer 8: Hey, that is the teacher we just got the report about. [she and Ike back up slowly, towards the roof's edge. Kyle and Leeroy show up]
Officer 5: [through his bullhorn] All right, Miss Stevenson, you got nowhere to go!
Miss Stevenson: Why couldn't you just leave us alone? All we wanted was to love.
Cartman: Get down! We can do this the easy way, or we can do it Dawg-style!
Leeroy: She gawt a scarf awn her heyed, huh?
Miss Stevenson: It's all over, Ike. Milan, the house in Tuscany. They'll never let us be together! We have to go with the backup plan. [she and Ike walk to the roof's edge and look down at the ground]
Officer 5: [through his bullhorn] Now hold on, don't do anything foolish! We can talk about this!
Miss Stevenson: [returns from the edge with Ike] You can't accept our love? So then we can only be together in eternity.
Kyle: [steps through Cartman and Beth towards Ike] No! Ike, don't do it!
Ike: I don deser futty bad man.
Kyle: Ike, please. I know your first love seems like the only love, but trust me, it's not. You have so much life ahead of you. [Ike looks at Kyle intently]
Miss Stevenson: You who don't believe in true love don't understand.
Kyle: Ike, you need to have a life. Have fun. Then ruin it by having a serious relationship. [Ike thinks it over]
Miss Stevenson: I'm afraid you're too late. [to Ike] Are you ready, my love? [she and Ike turn around and run for the edge] Here we go! One, two, three, aaaahhh! [she jumps over the edge, Ike turns back and walks towards Kyle. She looks up at the roof's edge] Ike?? [she lands on her back and dies on impact]
Ike: Yaaaay!
Kyle: Ike!
Cartman: [moves towards the camera] Well, looks like once again, the Dawg has prevailed. I hope you've learned, kids, that if you don't go with Christ, you could end up just like that splattered bitch down on the pavement.
Officer 6: Hey kid, you need to get off the roof now.
Cartman: That's cool. I'm done making my video anyways. [walks towards the camera to turn it off.]


Scene Description: Hell, outside Satan's castle.
Scene Description: Hell, inside the castle. Satan is seated on his throne with two lava fountains behind him, one on either side. Before each fountain is a pile of bleached skulls. Before the throne is a semicircular table with six elder demons sitting behind it. Nine steps lead up to the throne
Satan: [slow and deliberate] Halloween is a night for evil. It is time for me to take what is mine.
Demon 1: [the pale one] What do you plan, Lord Satan?
Satan: On Halloween we shall open the Gates of Hell, rise up to the earth, and we will rent out the entire W Hotel, for an awesome party, and invite a bunch of celebrities!
Demon 2: [second from right] How big a party are we talking?
Satan: Have you seen those rich, spoiled, teenage girls who have massive Sweet 16 parties? That big.
Demon 2: Satan, we can't possibly do-
Satan: SILENCE! [descends from his thrown to the floor] Halloween is about me! And I deserve a par-ty! This... shall be MY Super Sweet 16!! [raises his arms up in victory and laughs heartily. A few blasts of steam pop out of volcanoes and the citizens of Hell are frightened. Satan's image appears in the smoke] Minions of Hell! The time has come for us to rise! For my Super Sweet 16 Halloween party!! [the minions look at each other] I got Bacardi, and Ghetto One to sponsor the party, and I'm calling it [a poster for the event appears] Hell On Earth 2006! [everyone yells approval] But now, heed my words: in order to get in to the party, you have to RSVP and get a blue wristband. Everyone is gonna try and get into this party, so if you don't get your wristband in advance, or you're not wearing that wristband at the door, you're NOT GETTING IN!! [the volcanoes fire off another batch of smoke and the minions tremble] And NOW know this: It's a costume party, so you have to wear a costume. BUT... nobody better show up as The Crow! I'm serious. Every costume party there's like fourteen guys come dressed like the Crow 'cause they wanna look hot and hook up. It's lame! If you come dressed as the Crow, you're NOT GETTING IN to the party!! [the volcanoes fire off another batch of smoke and the minions tremble] Go now and prepare!! If you miss my party you are a looozer!! [laughs miniacally and vanishes. The minions tremble once more]
George Burns: Oh boy, a Halloween party up on Earth.
Ghandi: I can't believe he got the entire W Hotel.
Princess Diana: This is going to be the best Halloween ever. [Other minions raise their arms and cheer]
Scene Description: Stan's house, night. The house looks darker than normal, but that could be because the lights are on and jack-o'lanterns decorate the windows and the steps outside.
Scene Description: Stan's House, bathroom, in the dark. The boys has turned it into something of a temple, with candles on the vanity to make it look like an altar, and another two candles on the toilet seat cover. Kyle is in there with five other students: Stan, Cartman, Butters, Token, and Tweek. Kyle looks at the mirror.
Stan: Go ahead, Kyle, do it.
Kyle: [glances defiantly at Stan] I am doing it.
Tweek: No! Don't do it!
Cartman: What's the big deal, Kyle? You just look in the mirror, and say the name three times.
Kyle: [blinking rather quickly] Biggie. Smalls... Biggie Smalls...
Cartman: See? You're scared. Because you know if you say it a third time, he's gonna show up and shoot you in the face. [starts imitating a hen's cluck]
Kyle: Fine! [hops off the stool and walks past Cartman] Then YOU do it, you're so tough!
Cartman: I've done it lots of times.
Kyle: [pushes Cartman to the stool] Prove it!
Cartman: [now on the stool facing the mirror, laughs a bit] Biggie Smalls... Biggie Smalls... This is dumb, you guys, let's do somethin' else.
Kyle: You're afraid to do it, too.
Cartman: I am not!
Butters: Then do it, if you're not yellow! [Cartman is shocked that Butters talked to him this way, so he raises a fist as if he's about to punch him in the face. Butters flinches.]
Cartman: [turns back to the mirror] Biggie Smalls... Biggie Smalls... [the door opens and Jimmy enters]
Jimmy: Hey fellas. [Cartman freaks out and falls from the stool.] You should come downstairs. Stan's mom made pa-pizza.
The other boys: [rushing out of the bathroom] Let's go. Yeah, let's go!
Cartman: Oh my God. I crapped my pants. [feels his ass through his pants to be sure] You guys, I crapped my pants! [thinks, then leaves the bathroom] Heheh. You guys! You guys, check it out!
Scene Description: Back at Hell's castle, Satan gazes at his crystal ball. The pale demon enters.
Demon 1: Satan, I must speak with thee.
Satan: [turns around] What is it?
Demon 1: You've invited so many celebrities on Earth to your party that people in Hell can't get wristbands.
Satan: Well I have to invite celebrities or else my party won't be cool.
Demon 1: Satan, I warn thee, do not throw this party at the cost of alienating your friends.
Satan: [childishly] I'm not alienating my friends! I know they come first!
Demon 1: I hope for your sake that's true. You've never thrown a party of this magnitude before, Satan. Be wary. [turns and leaves]
Scene Description: Cathedral of Our Lady Of the Angels, morning. Inside, Cardinal Mahoney addresses a group of Church leaders
Cardinal Mahoney: Halloween has always been a time of evil and darkness. But now it appears that Satan will literally be among us. He is bringing Hell here to Los Angeles, and from what we understand, the gathering is going to be... completely off the hook. [the clergymen begin to murmur amongst themselves] There's more: None of us... are invited. [the murmurs get louder]
Bishop 1: None?
Bishop 2: Satan mocks us.
Bishop 3: His party must be stopped.
Priest 1: Yes, we cannot let evil take over our city, even for a night. [he's holding a leash... which has a small naked boy at the other end of it.]
Priest 2: [an old priest with his own boy] What can we do? [more boys on leashes begin to appear]
Resident Bishop: Tomorrow night, after all of Satan's guests have arrived, we'll call in a complaint about how many people are there. We'll see how long Satan's party lasts... after the fire marshal shows up.
Scene Description: Butters' house, bathroom. Butters is brushing his teeth for the night. He's wearing some Wonder Bread pajamas.
Butters: That's why I like to brush my teeth; I know they're clean and white. All the [begins to choke on the words and spits out some toothpaste] I truly love to brush my teeth. [smiles, then frowns. He looks around, then] Biggie Smalls... Biggie Smalls... [hesitates a bit] Biggie Smalls... [a second later, Biggie materializes behind Butters]
Biggie Smalls: What the fuck is THIS?!
Butters: AAAAH! [dodges the bullets Biggie begins firing at him.]
Biggie Smalls: Hey! [Butters falls off the stool and gets up, runs to the bathroom door and gets out without getting any bullets in him, and makes his way to the front door.]
Butters: [runs outside] WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! [his parents pull into the driveway just as Butters leaves the front steps, and get out of the car]
Stephen: Butters! We told you to be in bed! What are you doing?!
Butters: I summoned Biggie Smalls, the hip-hop rapper!
Stephen: You had a nightmare! Turn around and get back in your room right now!
Butters: But Dad, he's gonna bust a cap in my ass!
Stephen: Well, you wanna get shot or you wanna be grounded?!
Butters: AAAAAAAAAAH! [runs back up to his room]
Stephen: [to his wife Linda] ...Honestly, why do let him watch that darn Black Entertainment Channel?
Scene Description: The W Hotel. Satan is present with his chief demons and the head W staffers.
Satan: So I want the DJ to set up over here, and then the main dance floor area can be this whole area right here.
Male Staffer: What about valets? Ha, how will people be arriving from Hell?
Satan: Oh, it's like a dimensional vortex gate thingy, they won't have cars.
Female Staffer: Buut we're probably gonna want security at the dimensional vortex gate.
Satan: I want all the servers dressed in skimpy outfits serving all the hors d'oeuvres.
Demon 1: This is getting really expensive.
Satan: Shut up, it's Halloween! This is my night! Then at midnight, for dessert, I'm thinking over here, we bring out a huuuge chocolate fondue fountain.
Male Staffer: Oh yeah, P Diddy had his birthday party here a couple years back and he had one of those.
Satan: Oh, screw that, then. I don't want a fondue fountain if P Diddy had one.
Demon 1: [between his teeth] Does it matter?!
Satan: Yes it matters! I don't wanna do it if Diddy did it!
Demon 1: How about a doughnut machine?
Satan: Did Diddy do it?
Male Staffer: Diddy did do it.
Satan: A full ice cream bar!
Male Staffer: Diddy did it.
Satan: [steps forward in frustration] Damnit, what didn't Diddy do?! [thinks a moment] Wait. I know. [turns right] Yes. It's perfect. At midnight, all the lights go down. The music stops. And then we wheel in... a Ferrari. Only it isn't a Ferrari... It's a cake. And everyone gets a piece.
Demon 1: A Ferrari cake?
Male Staffer: Diddy didn't do it.
Demon 1: Satan, really, the logistics of getting a cake the size of a Ferrari made in time-
Satan: [spins around] This party has to be the bomb! Don't you get it?! [turns around] When everyone sees the Ferrari cake, [makes a fist and says in a low voice] they will shudder and know my greatness!
Demon 3: Hear me, demons! Lord Satan has demanded a Ferrari cake! Now I will take charge of Halloween, and call upon the spirits of Hell's most evil souls! Ted Bundy! [walks into view] Jeffrey Dahmer! [walks into view] And John Wayne Gacy! [walks into view. Each entrance is accompanied by newspaper clippings and actual background shots of their faces] You shall rise once again to walk the earth, for tomorrow is Halloween, and I need you... to pick up Satan's Ferrari cake, and deliver it to the W Hotel!
Bundy: No problem.
Dahmer: We can handle it.
Demon 3: Heed my words: Satan's entire Halloween depends on this Ferrari cake. Fail, and you will know his greatest wrath!
Scene Description: Butters' room, later. He slowly opens his door and looks inside. Quickly, he enters and closes the door, then begins to sneak across the room. He feels a gun against his head and looks up
Smalls: You punkass fool!
Butters: Haaaah.
Smalls: Why'd you summon me?
Butters: P-please don't ice me, homie?
Smalls: You'd better have a good reason, sucka!
Butters: I just... w-was seein' if it works.
Smalls: [lowers the pistol and walks away] Damn! Every Halloween I gots tuh deal with this shit! I'm in hell, mindin' my own business, and the next thing I know, I'm in some kid's bafroom.
Butters: [scared] I Iii, I apologize, Mr. Smalls.
Smalls: [returns and places the tip of the gun against Butters' forehead] You don't understand, fool! I ain't missin' the party!
Butters: W-what party?
Smalls: I already got my wristband, see? [lowers the gun and shows off the blue wristband Satan was passing out] You've got to get me to Los Angeles!
Butters: Uh whah well can't you just take a plane?
Smalls: How, punk?! We don't use money in here, ni**a!
Butters: Well damn, ni**er, there's gotta be some way!
Smalls: [places the tip of the gun against Butters' forehead again] This is your fault, homie! You've gots to get me to that party in L.A., or i'm gonna smoke your ass!
Butters: Oh hamburgers!
Scene Description: Satan's castle. Some of his advisors come to talk to him...
Demon 1: Yes. Yes, Satan. Your Halloween costume turned out perfect.
Satan: [dressed as the Crow] Yeah, it's okay, but everyone thinks Zazul's schoolgirl costume is hotter.
Zazul: [Deomn 3] Ehhhhhhh.
Satan: Zazul, switch costumes with me.
Demon 1: Satan, Zazul worked really hard on his costume.
Satan: Nobody can look hotter than me! It's my Super Sweet 16 Halloween party! Take it off, Zazul. [dejected, Zazul walks away slowly] And what about my Ferrari cake?! Where's the Ferrari cake?!
Demon 1: Relax, it's being picked up from the bakery.
Scene Description: Montage, to the tune of Yello's "Oh Yeah." The bakers have made a life-size replica of a Ferrari and are now decorating it. The bakery in question is Napoleon Bakery. Bundy, Dahmer, and Gacy appear at the door
Bundy: [looking at a map] All right, this is the place. Now remember, you numbskulls, this Ferrari cake is really important for Satan's party, so don't louse it up!
Dahmer: [as Larry] Who's lousing?
Bundy: [as Moe] Come 'ere. [Dahmer draws near, Bundy slaps him] Shut up! [Bundy opens the doors and the three killers go inside]
Head Baker: Can I help you?
Bundy: We're here to pick up the Ferrari cake.
Head Baker: Ohhh yes, it's just about finished. What kind of truck are we loading it up to?
Bundy: We got that flatbed. [Gacy whips out a butcher knife]
Head Baker: Okay well, we're just gonna need to- GYAAAH! [Gacy has just impaled him and begins to slice his body in two by moving the knife towards his head]
Bundy: Gacy, you numbskull, what'd ya kill him for?!
Gacy: [as Curly] I didn't mean tuh. [a second baker comes out of the kitchen]
Bundy: Give me that! [takes the knife from him and smacks him upside the head]
Gacy: Oh!
Bundy: What's the matter with you?! [hands the knife to Dahmer] Take this!
Baker 2: Everything all right? [Dahmer stabs him in the throat with the knife.] Bwa! Gaaaghaghaghagh!
Bundy: You nincompoop! [bops him on the head]
Dahmer: Ow.
Bundy: That was the baker!
Dahmer: He startled me.
Bundy: [looks to his left] Gacy! [goes into the kitchen, where Gacy is stabbing away at a third baker] What'dja kill him for?! [bops him on the head] Siddonw!
Gacy: I'm a victim of circumstance. [Dahmer bops him on the head]
Bundy: [grabs Dahmer by the back of the head] Ahh, who're you hittin'? [picks him in the eyes.]
Dahmer: Ohhhh... [stumbles away]
Gacy: Nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk. [Bundy smacks him] Oh!
Bundy: [to Dahmer] Get outta here. [to Gacy] Be quiet. [Gacy makes like he's rubbing blood from his face as he groans] You idiots! Now who's gonna help us load the Ferrari cake onto the flatbed?!
Scene Description: Butters' house, later. Stan, Kyle, Cartman, Jimmy, Tweek, and Token are with Butters, and their parents are behind them. Stan's parents are not there. The police have arrived to talk to Butters' parents
Officer: Did your son say anything before he disappeared, Mrs. Stotch?
Linda: He just said something about... summoning Biggie Smalls... [upon hearing this, the other boys know what happened and look at each other.]
Cartman: Dude...
Jimmy: Du... du... dude.
Scene Description: Stan's house, moments later.
Stan: [rushes into the living room with the other boys] Dad! Dad!
Randy: [reading his newspaper on the sofa] What?
Stan: If you look in the mirror and say Biggie Smalls' name three times, he doesn't come and get you, right??
Randy: [thinks a moment] Biggie Smalls?
Cartman: You know, escargot, my cargo, one eighteen, sippin' on booze at the House of Blues
Randy: [folds his paper up and rises] All right, boys, I know it's Halloween, but you can't summon dead rappers in the mirror.
Cartman: How do you know??
Randy: I'm a geologist! [leaves]
Kyle: He's right. It's just a spooky story.
Tweek: Hguh. Then how come you couldn't do it?
Kyle: I can do it. It just got... look, it just doesn't matter, because it's not true.
Cartman: How can we be sure? How do we know Butters isn't with Biggie right now? Being tormented by him?
Scene Description: Up in the sky. A jet plane heads towards Los Angeles
Butters: I'm going going, back back, to Cali Cali. Uhh, yeah, I'm going going, back back, to Cali Cali. Uhh-
Smalls: Yo dawg, keep it down.
Butters: Yo dawg, uh, can't I just go back home right after the flight so I don't get grounded?
Smalls: Oh no! YOU summoned my spirit, YOU're gettin' me all the way to the party! As long as I get to the party in time to party, everything'll be all right. [begins to vanish] Hey! [Smalls is gone]
Scene Description: Kyle's bathroom. The boys are assembled once again to summon Biggie Smalls
Kyle: ...Smalls. [Smalls materializes]
Smalls: Oh, God-damnit! [the boys scream and run out of the bathroom, leaving Kyle on the stool]
Stan: It does work!!
Kyle: Holy crap!!
Smalls: [pulls out his gun...] That's it! Now I'm pissed! [...and begins firing away. Kyle and Token are the last to leave.]
Scene Description: The W, moments later. Klieg lights are lit up and light up the night as guests arrive. The camera pans around showing the costumed people waiting outside and the party scene inside. Pumpkin disco balls spin around slowly from the ceiling. Two bartenders mix drinks. A large poster of Satan is up on a wall, a DJ spins records.
George Burns: Hehey, everybody. Check out Hitler. [Hitler appears with a cell phone attached to his ear] He's the "Can you hear me now?" guy. [the minions around him laugh]
Hitler: [moves from spot to spot and asks] Can you hear me now? Can you hear me now? [the minions around him laugh again]
Satan: [introducing himself] Everyone quiet! Here he is, the man of the night, SATAN! [four Chippendale men enter, two with leather pants and two with leather briefs, carrying Satan on a litter. Satan is seated on his throne dressed as a girl celebrating her Sweet 16 party. Adolf Hitler wanders by still testing out that cell phone] Get out of the way, Hitler! You're ruining my entrance! Gaau!
Scene Description: Outside, across the street from the hotel entrance, some Catholic clergy have gathered around a pay phone. Cardinal Roger Mahoney places a call
Cardinal Mahoney: Yes, hello? It this the fire department? [the other clergy whisper and remind him what to say, he whispers back] Wait, shh, shh, shh. [normal voice] I need to make a complaint to the fire marshal. [listens for the reply] He's what? Where? [soon hangs up, having gotten nowhere] Damn your evil heart, Satan!!
Resident Bishop: What?
Cardinal Mahoney: The Fire Marshal is at the party! Satan invited him!
Priest: Satan's trickery knows no bounds!
Cardinal Mahoney: That's it! One way or another, we're crashing this party!
Scene Description: Back at the party. Satan is talking to a bouncer
Satan: This is VIP. Don't just let anybody into my VIP area, okay? [the bouncer walks away and an elderly minion arrives]
Frank Sinatra: Hey, Satan, you got a little problem.
Satan: What?
Frank Sinatra: Somebody showed up in a Crocodile Hunter costume. It's really offending some of the other guests.
Satan: Oh jeez. [walks over to the offending guest, who happens to be none other than Steve Irwin, with a stingray attached to his chest. Steve looks around with a smile on his face. Satan arrives] Hey, uh, hi, listen, dude, ya know, the whole Crocodile Hunter thing? It... it's just a little soon, you know? I mean, he just dies a few weeks ago and... it's just not supercool and you gotta leave.
Steve Irwin: But it's me, Satan. Steve Irwin. I am the Crocodile Hunter.
Satan: [thinks a moment] Oh... oh, but then, dude, no costume. Sorry, you gotta go. [two bouncers come and escort him away]
Steve Irwin: Wait! I thought we were friends!
Satan: [watches Irwin leave, then] Oh hey, Sinatra! [walks away]
Male Staffer: Demonius! [approaches a minion wearing a Captain America outfit] Demonius, we have a problem!
Demonius: [the pale elder demon, lifts up his mask] What is it?
Male Staffer: The Ferrari cake! It isn't here!
Demonius: What?? Don't even tell me that!
Male Staffer: It was never delivered to the hotel.
Demonius: Deva! Fetch my Blackberry! That Ferrari cake must get here by midnight! [lowers his mask and moves on]
Scene Description: a short pops up - The Three Murderers, using music from The Three Stooges
Scene Description: The scene is the Napoleon Bakery. Gacy and Dahmer guide the Ferrari cake onto the flatbed. Bundy is at the controls. A man walks by and stops to watch
Man: Do you gentlemen need a hand? [Gacy and Dahmer look; Gacy runs over, jumps on him and stabs him to death with a knife. Bundy notices, jumps out of the crane and runs over]
Bundy: Gacy! [Gacy jumps off the man and cleans the knife quickly] Whatcha do that foor?!
Gacy: I did it for Dahmer.
Bundy: For Dahmer?
Gacy: Yeah. He likes havin' sex with dead bodies. [Dahmer is shown pumping away, from the elbow up]
Bundy: Dahmer! Stop havin' sex with them intestines!
Dahmer: What good are intestines if you can't have sex with them?
Bundy: [slaps Dahmer hard] We gotta get rid of this body before anyone sees it! [brings out a portable saw and begins sawing the body to bits. The crane continues moving the cake around, and no one is at the controls. Bundy finishes cutting up the body] Now get those to the trashcan! [Gacy has the man's head, Dahmer has the man's left forearm and starts eating it] Stop eating that! [takes the forearm and slaps him with it.]
Gacy: Leave him alone! [Bundy slaps him with the forearm] Unh!
Bundy: Cut it! [punches Gacy in the belly] Come 'ere, ya. [takes Dahmer's right hand and places it under Gacy's chin, then forces an upper cut with his own fist]
Dahmer, Gacy: Oh! [both men then take their right hands and move them up an imaginary pole]
Dahmer: There. [Bundy punches them both in the belly and the nose] Oh. [the cable snaps and the cake drops down a bit] The cake! [the pulley is undone and the cake flips over and hits the ground. Pieces of it fly everywhere. The three murderers are covered in it]
Bundy: Oh no!
Gacy: Mmm, Ferrari.
Bundy: [smacks him] What's the matter with you?! It's ruined!
Dahmer: We're gonna get it now.
Scene Description: Back at the party...
A guest: This is a really extravagant party, Satan.
Satan: I know, but just wait till midnight. You are not gonna believe what's coming for desert! [laughs heartily]
Scene Description: The entrance. The bouncers let a Conehead and a maid enter, and the Catholic clergy are next in line. They show their wristbands, which are yellow, not blue
Black Bouncer: Uh, these aren't the right wristbands.
A Bishop: Uh, yes they are.
White Bouncer: Then how come they say "Knott's Berry Farm"? [the clergy get restless, the bouncers hold them back]
Cardinal Mahoney: In the name of Christ, just let us in!
Scene Description: Denver International Airport. The other six boys are now going to Satan's party with Biggie Smalls. Kyle is ordering the tickets
Stan: We're really sorry, Mr. Smalls.
Smalls: Not as sorry as you're gonna be, if I completely miss the party!
Ticket agent: Here you go, flight 72 to Los Angeles boarding in 10 minutes.
Kyle: [gets the ticket and goes back to Satan] See? You can still make it for the end of the party.
Smalls: Yeah, I'm just gonna be pissed if I miss- [begins to vanish again] What the? No! No!
Scene Description: Stan's bathroom. Randy is now summoning Biggie Smalls
Randy: ...Smalls. [Bigge Smalls materializes behind him] No way!
Smalls: Motherfucking God-damnit!
Randy: That's pretty cool. Hey, Hey Sharon!
Smalls: Cool this, sucka! [begins firing at Randy, who's grazed by a few bullets but runs out of the bathroom.]
Scene Description: A second Three Murderers short. This time, the murderers have dressed as chefs so they can make the Ferrari cake themselves
Bundy: All right, listen you mugs! It's now 11:30. That means we only have twenty minutes to bake a new Ferrari cake.
Dahmer: No problem! It just so happens that I went to an Italian cooking school.
Bundy: Yeah? Why'd you quit?
Dahmer: There weren't enough Italians to eat. [a second later Bundy smacks him across the face]
Gacy: Nyak nyak nyak nyak nya-eh [Bundy moves his hand in front of Gacy and then moves it around his head] Nyaaa nyaaaa
Bundy: Get over here! [pulls Gacy by the left ear. Dahmer follows. They go to a clean, ready counter] All right, what's the recipe call for first?
Dahmer: Ten thousand eggs.
Bundy: Gacy, go get ten thousand eggs.
Gacy: You get 'em!
Bundy: [bops him on the head] Shut up!
Gacy: Nyaaaaa! [pokes Bundy in the left eye]
Bundy: Oh! Ohh, wise guy, ey? [pokes both of Gacy's eyes out, leaving him with bleeding sockets]
Gacy: GAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Bundy: How's that?
Dahmer: Hey! Leave him alone! [gets the knife and stabs him in the ribs]
Bundy: AAA!
Dahmer: [sticks his tongue out at Bundy] Nehhh!
Bundy: Try that again!
Dahmer: [sticks his tongue out at Bundy again] Nehhh! [Bundy grabs the tongue and cuts it right out with a knife]
Gacy: What happened??
Bundy: Shut up! [smacks Gacy with Dahmer's tongue. Dahmer sticks a knife in Bundy's chin, making him fall down. Gacy with loss of eyesight smacks Dahmer's head open with a rolling pin, leaving his brains pouring out]
Scene Description: A men's room in the hotel. Various costumed men are there looking at a man dressed as John Elway tries to summon Biggie Smalls, daring him all the while
Cowboy: He can't do it, he can't do it.
John Elway: All right, be quiet. [laughs] Biggie Smalls... Biggie Smalls... [the others crowd in for the payoff] Oh I can't do it! I'm too freaked out. [the others laugh at him as he leaves the restroom]
Scene Description: Back at the hotel...
Male Staffer: What do we do?? It's midnight. The Ferrari cake never arrived!
Zazul: This is terrible!
Demonius: [rushes up] It's okay! It's okay! [lifts up his mask] I found a backup! Go ahead and start the ceremony! [the music dies out and the lights go down]
Zazul: [through the party's speakers] Your attention please: It is now midnight! Time for Satan's special surprise. [the guests gather around a raised platform]
A Guest: I wonder what this is going to be.
Satan: [in a low voice, making a fist] Just you wait. [the sound of revving car engines play through the speaker system. The doors open and the surprise is revealed] Yes. Here it comes. [the car is rolled into place and begins rotating counterclockwise]
Zazul: Ladies and gentlemen: a fully edible Acura cake! [the guests cheer, not knowing what Satan really wanted]
Satan: Acura?? But I wanted a Ferrari! [Zazul and Demonius are quickly at his side]
Demonius: We did the best we could; there was a problem.
Zazul: Acuras are really nice.
Satan: IT'S NOT THE CAR I WANTED! THE WHOLE PARTY'S RUINED! [one swing of his left arm and Zazul flies out of the picture]
Demonius: It doesn't matter. Your guests are having fun. They don't care.
Satan: [jumps up and down] IT'S NOT ABOUT THEM, IT'S ALL ABOUT MEEEEEEE!!! [his voice echoes throughout the hotel and no one says a word for several seconds]
Frank Sinatra: Wow, what a jerk.
A Cowboy: Come on, Helen. Let's just go back to hell. I'm suddenly not so hungry for Acura cake.
Satan: Oh God, what's happened to me? I've never been this terrible before. By trying to have a party like those spoiled rich teenage girls on MTV, I've become like one of them.
Zazul: [returns] Satan, don't be so hard on yourself. You're not as bad as they are.
Satan: But I am. Throwing people out, making a big entrance, having these stupid pictures of me all over. Halloween is supposed to be for everyone. Everybody, I'm sorry. This party is for you. It's for all of you who make my life so special. If I don't realize that, then I'm no better than a rich American teenage girl. [the guest begin to applaud the speech] Open the doors! Let everyone in, wristband or no! [everyone cheers at this and the waiting guests rush in, including the Catholic clergy and their naked boys on leashes. Butters appears in the crowd and stops a catwoman powdering herself]
Scene Description: Outside
Butters: Uhh, excuse me. uh ma'am, can I borrow that? [she hands him her mirror, and he looks into it] Biggie Smalls Biggie Smalls Biggie Smalls. [Smalls materializes next to him]
Smalls: What the-?
Butters: Thanks. [hands the mirror back to the catwoman, and she enters the party]
Smalls: I am soo sick of this! Wait, I'm at the party.
Butters: Sure, homie. I got your back, yo.
Smalls: [happily] And it's not too late. Hey, why don't you come in with me?
Butters: Wull what the heck? I'm gonna get grounded anyway, might as well. [they both enter the party happily]
Scene Description: Inside. Butters is dancing with everyone else, the priests dance with their naked boys, Satan dances with Captain America.