Scene Description: Three Feathers Casino, night. People flock in. The building is massive, the front entrance is prefaced with a long pool with water jets shooting water into the air. The interior is shown, with its slot machines and milling crowds. The boys enter with the Marshes and the Broflovskis. Randy and Gerald carry cigars in their hands.
Stan: Wow, dude.
Cartman: Man, Indians have it good, huh?
Randy: Now, Eric, they're called Native Americans, remember? Show some respect.
Native American chief: Welcome to the Three Feathers Casino. I'm your host, Chief Runs With Premise. Please try your luck at one of our many games.
Cartman: [eagerly] All right, let's go! [moves forward]
Runs With Premise: Halt. [spreads his arms out] I am afraid minors cannot go onto the casino floor.
Cartman: I'm not a miner, dumbass! Do you see a shovel in my hand?!
Runs With Premise: You kids can enjoy our Native American Comedy Club.
Gerald: All right, we're gonna hit the tables. Why don't you kids run along to the comedy club? [Stan shrugs and the boys leave. The adults move forward]
Randy: All right, time to win some money!
Gerald: Oh yeah! blackjack table!
Blackjack dealer: Welcome to the blackjack table. May luck run through you, like the spirit of the buffalo.
Sheila: Gerald, this is ten dollars a hand!
Gerald: Relax, sweetie [in hushed tones] I know how to count cards.
Sheila: Well I don't wanna play here!
Sharon: Yeah. Come on, Sheila, let's go to the nickel slots.
Randy: Oooo, the nickel slots! You might win the thirty-dollar jackpot! Ahh, women, huh? God I hate 'em. [smokes]
Gerald: All right, time to show these people how to gamble!
Scene Description: An entrance is shown - The Laughing Coyote Comedy Lodge, then the interior of the lodge itself. A Native American drummer sits on stage.
Announcer: Welcome to the Three Feathers Comedy Club. Please put your hands together for Johnny Manymoons! [Johnny approaches the mic]
Kyle: What is Native American comedy, anyway?
Manymoons: [takes the mic] Thank you, thank you. Bear walked into a bar. Bear said to Deer, "May I please... have a drink?" And so Deer said to Bear, "Why the big paws?" [the drums strikes three beats]
Audience: Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! [the boys are confused]
Manymoons: Many moons ago, Pony and Eagle walked up to Coyote. Pony said to Coyote, "I am very mad at Eagle. Will you yell at him for me?" Coyote said to Pony, "Why can you not yell yourself?" And Pony replied, "Because I am a little horse." [the drums strikes three beats]
Audience: Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha!
Scene Description: The blackjack table. Gerald sits alone fiddling with some chips. Randy returns from somewhere with a cup of coins.
Randy: How's it goin', Gerald?
Gerald: [nervous, fidgeting] Ohh, not so good.
Randy: Yeah, I know what you mean. I'm down three hundred bucks.
Gerald: Yeah. I'm down twenty-six thousand.
Randy: Yeah, well, maybe we should- ...wait. Twenty-six thousand dollars??
Gerald: I forgot to tell you, ah I have a gambling problem.
Randy: Gerald, twenty-six thousand-!
Gerald: Sshhhh! I have to win it back before Sheila finds out!
Randy: Where did you get that kind of money??
Gerald: The casino gave me credit! I put the house up as collateral! But I still have this ten-dollar chip.
Blackjack dealer: Dealer, twenty one. [takes the last chip] Sorry.
Gerald: [collapses on the table] That's it. I'm destitute. [leaps up and grabs Randy] Loan me money! You've gotta have money in the cup! [grabs the cup and tries to wrest it from Randy] Wha- what's in the cup?
Randy: [keeps the cup] Just six quarters!
Gerald: [sits down and mopes] Oh God. Oh Jesus.
Blackjack dealer: Thank you for playing at Three Feathers. May your life be filled with the song of the sparrow.
Gerald: [bolts upright again] Oh, shove the song of the sparrow up your ass!
Scene Description: Three Bears Casino, sometime later. Randy and Gerald sit on a bench next to some slot machines. Gerald's head hangs low.
Gerald: How am I going to tell my family? [raises his head] How do I tell them that tomorrow, we have to ...pack up our things and ...get out of the house? [Sheila and Sharon show up in the background with the boys.]
Sheila: There's daddy!
Gerald: [hangs his head] Oh, Jesus. [the boys and the women arrive.]
Sheila: Where have you guys been? We've been looking all over.
Kyle: Yeah. Come on, Dad, this place sucks. I wanna go.
Gerald: [raises his head] What, What did you say?
Kyle: I said I wanna leave.
Gerald: [shifts gears and stands] Oh, you wanna leave, huh?! Okay, fine, Kyle, when we get home, we'll just pack up our things, load them in the car, and we'll leave! [Sheila and Kyle are baffled]
Kyle: What?? No, no, I mean, I-
Gerald: No, no, no, if you wanna leave South Park, fine! Tomorrow we're leaving!
Sheila: Gerald, what are you talking about?
Gerald: Oh, you heard him, Sheila! Kyle wants to leave! Our nice old house doesn't interest Kyle anymore! Well I'm calling a moving company right now! [leaves]
Cartman: Well, you shouldn't be such a dick, dude. [Kyle remains baffled, even as he looks at Cartman]
Sharon: [walks up to Randy] What's wrong with Gerald?
Randy: He... he lost his house to the Native Americans.
Sharon: What?? But don't the Native Americans know he has nowhere else to go?
Randy: They don't care. [the camera rises and focuses on a window behind them]
Scene Description: The casino office. Chief Runs with Premise looks out over the floor.
Runs with Premise: Look at them! Small-minded idiots pouring their life-savings away!
Elder 1: Their cash flows out of them like diarrhea from the buffalo.
Elder 2: [wearing glasses] Yes, but we have milked these simple mountain folk almost dry. If we really want to see cash flow, we need to bring in city-people from Denver.
Runs with Premise: [turns around] Yeessss. It is time for us to implement our plan. [walks over to an easel on which sits a map of Colorado, with a new highway drawn on it between the casino and Denver] A superhighway, built from Denver right to our casino!
Aide 1: And what do we do about the small town of South Park that lies in the highway's way?
Runs with Premise: [holding up large stacks of bills] Simple. We buy it, and we demolish it! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha!
Elders: Ha ha ha ha!
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, next day. A town meeting is being held in the gym. Mayor McDaniels sits at a table with four aides, two on either side of her.
Mayor McDaniels: And that's really all I can tell you. The town of South Park is going to be leveled, in order to make way for a twelve-lane superhighway.
Randy: [rises] But how can they do that?!
Mayor McDaniels: The Native Americans have purchased the land out from under us. Tomorrow, they're buying the last of what they need to have complete ownership.
Jimbo: [rises] Well can't we stop them? Let's call the bank.
Mayor McDaniels: The Native Americans bought the bank.
Mr. Garrison: Oh my God.
Mayor McDaniels: Now, look, it isn't all horrible. The Native Americans are offering you retail values on your homes.
Randy: No, screw that! We'll just pool our money together and buy the town ourselves! [the town clamors in agreement]
Chef: [rises] Yeah! Let the South Park people own South Park! [the town clamors in agreement]
Randy: How much do we have to raise, Mayor?
Mayor McDaniels: Three hundred thousand dollars. [the town thinks, then grumbles]
Randy: Ohhh, never mind. [sits down]
Scene Description: The town library. Nine boys sit in front of it: Timmy, Jimmy, Tweek, Butters, Stan, Kyle, Cartman, Kenny, and Alex.
Butters: How can they do that, huh? How can they make us all move away?
Cartman: Because they're rich, greedy-ass Indians!
Kyle: [correcting] Native Americans. [Stan rises and walks away from the building]
Stan: Our whole town, gone. We'd had such great times here. [begins to reminisce]
Scene Description: The scenes are as follows: Zombies destroy the town as the boys walk through in their Halloween costumes. Trapper Keeper grabs a phone booth as it reaches mammoth dimensions. The townsfolk fight the mutant turkeys. Christopher Reeve throws a truck at some people, and they dive out of the way. The giant fireworks snake demolishes the town. The Geldon causes havoc on the Drew Carey Show as the Knights of Standards and Practices watch. The pirate ghost ship fires off a cannon shot and the townsfolk dive out of the way. Some of them are killed on impact. The pro-war and anti-war factions fight over the Iraq war. The town reenacts the Civil War Mr. Hankey summons up massive amounts of crap in order to get rid of the Hollywood gliterati Mecha-Streisand fights off Ultura Marutin and Megara Poatia.
Stan: [stops reminiscing, turns around, and walks back to the boys] We can't let them do it, you guys! We have to find a way to stop those Native Americans!
The boys: Yeah!
Alex: Yeah, this is our town!
Stan: We shouldn't have to make a bunch of new friends somewhere else. We're a team!
Kyle, Butters, Tweek: Yeah!
Cartman: That's right!
Butters: Yeah, ahh, that's right!
Alex: Yeah, we're a team!
Stan: We just gotta figure out a way to raise three hundred thousand dollars! [the boys start thinking]
Cartman: [rises and moves to the sidewalk] Wait a minute! I've got it, you guys! We can get Kyle infected with AIDS! And then start a charity organization that we steal money from! Come on, let's go! [trots off excitedly. The other boys just watch him leave. Cartman returns a few seconds later] No? We can't give Kyle AIDS?
Stan: We need something that'll get us money tomorrow!
Butters: Hey, I know! How about a dog parade? [smiles]
Kyle: Dog parade?
Butters: Yeah! We dress up all our dogs in little outfits, and parade them down the street. [closes his eyes and beams] It'll be so adorable!
Kyle: How do we make three hundred thousand dollars doing that?
Butters: Oh... Uh well, we could sell tickets to our moms and dads.
Stan: Our moms and dads are the ones who need money, Butters!
Butters: Oh... [the boys go back to thinking]
Cartman: Maybe give Kyle AIDS, huh? Lookin' a little better now.
Scene Description: South Park, later on, day. The Broflovski house is shown, and a massive bulldozer rolls up to knock it down. A large chunk of it is torn off by the scoop.
Sheila: Oh, Gerald, I, I can't watch!
Randy: [walks up to the Chief] How can you do this to people?
Runs with Premise: We're sorry. But if we do not build a superhighway, our casino might stop seeing profits.
Randy: There's more to life than profits!
Runs with Premise: Well like what?
Randy: Well like, you know, Slurpees and stuff. [more of the house is torn down]
Chris: Well, come on, honey, I guess we should start packing up our things as well.
Mr. Garrison: Yeah. [begins to wave] So long, South Park.
Stan: Mom! Dad! We figured out a way we could raise three hundred thousand dollars!
Chris: A dog parade? [smiles in anticipation]
Stan: No!
Randy: Stan, we've all tried to raise money, but we only raise ten thousand dollars, and the deadline is tomorrow.
Stan: I know. So how about we take the ten thousand dollars back to the Indian casino? Tell them, Kyle!
Kyle: [opens a book he's carrying and reads] The odds on a single number in roulette are thirty-five to one. [looks up and closes the book] That means, with a ten thousand dollar bet, you win three hundred and fifty thousand.
Sheila: Boys, that's ridiculous.
Stan: Look, we- we've got nothing to lose.
Chef: What do you guys think?
Jimbo: It's a long shot.
Randy: Yeah. [turns around and makes fists with determination] But it's the only shot we've got to save our town.
Scene Description: Three Feathers Casino, that night. The townsfolk are there once more.
Runs With Premise: [reading from a newspaper] The residents of South Park had hoped to raise three hundred thousand dollars. but in the end managed to raise only ten. The loss of their town may be imminent for the poor people of South Park. [fakes sadness] Awww, I think I'm going to cwy.
Two Elders: HA ha ha ha! HA ha ha ha!
Scene Description: The doors open and the townsfolk surge in. Randy carries a large amount of yellow chips.
Randy: All right, boys. You're gonna have to wait here. [the adults begin to move past the boys]
Stan: Dad. [Randy turns around] Good luck.
Randy: It's in God's hand now. [turns around and moves forward] Stand aside, everyone! [the adults move towards the roulette table. The Chief notices a change in atmosphere and rises to see what's going on from his office.]
Runs With Premise: What are they doing?
Randy: We're gonna try and beat you at your own game, Chief Runs With Premise! Ten thousand dollars! [sets the yellow chips down] On thirty one black! [moves the chips towards the number. Everyone gasps. The dealer takes the chips and puts them away, substituting some blue chips for the yellow ones.]
Runs With Premise: Impossible!
Stan: [begins to wish hard] Come on! Come on! [the dealer starts the wheel and tosses the ball in the opposite direction. Everyone looks on in anticipation. The ball slows down and settles in on thirty one black.]
Runs With Premise: Thirty one. Black. [the town erupts with joy]
Townsfolk: Yeah! All right! Woohoo! Oh we did it! We did it! Oh my God! Oh this is amazing!
Runs With Premise: No... NOOO! [The boys cheer. Cartman and Kenny hug]
Alex: South Park is saved. [the dealer adds more blue chips to the amount bet]
Mr. Mackey: We have plenty enough to save our town now!
Gerald: Yeah! But wait. [the rush of winning gets to him] Three hundred and fifty thousand dollars. That means if we won again, it will be twelve and a quarter million! [the people gasp a bit at the possibility]
Mr. Garrison: We can save the town and be super-rich!
Randy: Oh hell yeah! Let it ride!
Gerald: Let it ride!!
Townsfolk: Woohoo! Yeah! [they stay with thirty one black, and the dealer spins again]
Kyle: What the hell are they doing??
Jimbo: Let's go thirty one! Let's see it! [the ball bounces around and settles in on two red.]
Roulette Dealer: Two, red. You lose.
Townsfolk: AWWWWWWW!!
Randy: Dammit!
Runs With Premise: [satisfied with this result] Hmmm! [walks off]
Stan: They, they had it! They freakin' had it!
Scene Description: The road. The Marshes drive home in their car. Randy drives, Sharon sits on the passenger side. Stan sits between Shelly and Grandpa in the back seat.
Stan: You totally had it! You had enough to save the town and then some.
Randy: Stan? Okay? You just don't understand the fine points of gambling. You're never supposed to stop when you're on a winning streak.
Stan: A winning streak??!! You played one game!!!!
Randy: Stan? Okay?
Stan: What???
Randy: All right? Stan? Okay?
Stan: You people just got greedy, like the Native Americans! [Randy brakes the car angrily]
Randy: [menacingly] Hey, mister!! We're not like them, all right?! [turns and faces Stan] Now, we may have pie in the sky dreams once in a while, but we aren't the ones kicking people out of their homes! So don't you compare us to those cold-hearted, money-grubbing, evil stinky Indians! [turns back to the wheel] I'm sorry, Native Americans.
Scene Description: South Park, next day. A "SOLD" sign is placed above the town sign, indicating that the town, indeed, has been sold. At South Park Elementary, the residents stand in long lines waiting for the checks being offered for their homes.
Elder 2: [facing Mr. Garrison] There you are, sir. There's the check for your home. Just sign here, and here.
Mr. Garrison: [signing] Well, this is it, Mr. Slave. We're officially homeless.
Mr. Slave: [sobbing] Jesus! Jesus Christ!
Stan: [walks up to Randy, who is in line with the others] Dad, what are you doing?! Don't take their dirty money!
Randy: Stanley, we don't have a choice. The Native Americans own South Park now. We have to take what they'll give us for our homes.
Elder 3: There you go. Have a nice day. [hands a check to Liane, who turns around and walks off with it]
Stan: [walks with his friends to a clearing where he could be heard] Come on, you guys! This is our town!
Mr. Mackey: It's over, Stanley. What else can we do?
Stan: We can stay. And fight.
Cartman: Yeah! When the Indians come to tear up our town, we kick 'em in the nuts!
Kenny: (Yeah!)
Alex: Yeah! They don't own our town! We do!
Chef: I'm sorry, boys. You just don't understand economics.
Randy: It'll be okay, boys, we'll just... move to the next town over.
Stan: Oh sure. Until the Native Americans decide they want that land, too! What if the Native Americans just keep building their casinos and their highways uh, until we have nowhere else to go?? We have to stand up to them now! [the adults look back helplessly] Rrrgh! Forget it! Come on, you guys! [the boys leave. Cartman stays behind.]
Cartman: You're all a bunch of God-damned pussies! [follows his friends them out. The adults just watch]
Scene Description: South Park, day. Moments later, a train of bulldozers roll down into town. Runs with Premise, riding on the lead bulldozer, looks happy until he sees the boys standing abreast on the street, blocking the way.
Runs with Premise: Get out of our way.
Stan: No! We won't let you destroy our town!
Runs with Premise: Boys. It isn't your town anymore.
Stan: Just because you have a piece of paper saying you own it doesn't make it yours. We grew up here. Our parents grew up here. We shop at that Wal-Mart, and eat at that Chili's. We take fish from the streams and bread them and freeze them to make fish sticks. This is not just a town, it is our way of life.
Elder 1: Well your way of life is about to change, little boys. Now move! [points the way to the side of the street]
Kyle: You can't just roll into places and take people's lives away!
A Driver: And what are four little boys going to do to stop us, huh? [the boys stand unsure, but a sound rises up behind them. Townsfolk appear in mass and walk down the street.]
Townsfolk: We are strong No one can tell us we're wrong [Stan looks behind him, smiles, then looks up to his left. People now appear on the roofs of the buildings as well as on the street.] Searching our hearts for so lohh-oo-ohh-oo-ong [Stan looks at the roofs on the other side of the street, smiling.] All of us knowing... [The boys grin] Love Is A Battlefield
Stan: This land is not for sale.
Runs with Premise: Dammit! I thought you said they were dealt with!
Elder 1: They were!
Mr. Garrison: Sorry, Charlies! You can just keep your filthy bastard Indian money!
Principal Victoria: Filthy bastard Native American money!
Mr. Garrison: Uh oh, right, huh. Sorry about that.
Runs with Premise: This isn't over! [he and the others get into their bulldozers and pull out of town]
Jimbo: We'll never give up! You bastards!
Alex: Yeah! South Park is ours.
Mr. Mackey: But, what do we do now? I mean, we can't just stand here and block their way forever.
Randy: We can stand here as long as it takes. [no one moves. The scene stays for a few seconds, then...]
Scene Description: Three Feathers Casino, night. Chief Runs with Premise looks over the casino floor from his office.
Runs with Premise: What is the state of our people?
Elder 2: Last night I spoke with the spirit of the bear, and Bear said that if we do not build our highway soon, our investors may soon sell off their shares of the new casino.
Elder 1: Yes, and Eagle says the cumulative shared market loss on the revenue of the new casino drops fifteen percent every day.
Runs with Premise: Then we must force the South Park people off their petty land.
Elder 1: But they are determined and proud. And the spirit of the wind has stated that if we use force, it could be a publicity nightmare, further hurting our net assets.
Runs with Premise: I already have a plan how we can force them off their land... sneakily. [begins to move off] We're going to give them... [stops in front of a wall] blankets. [three of them are shown]
Elder 1: Blankets?
Runs with Premise: Yes. We will present the blankets as a peace offering. But what the round-eyes will not know is that the blankets are infected with SARS. [his fellow tribespeople look at each other] They will all get SARS! And then SARS will run through their town like a buffalo. Now I need your help getting the SARS onto the blankets. [everyone puts on their little white face masks] Okay, bring them in!
Runs with Premise: [The office doors open and several naked Chinese men are brought in] Let's see how South Park deals with this! [he picks up one of the men and rubs him on a blanket. The Chinese man looks at him bewildered] Everyone grab a Chinese person and rub them on a blanket. [other elders pick up the other Chinese them and carry them over to other blankets hanging on the wall] Make sure you rub them all over. Get the SARS nice and deep in there. [the Chinese men grumble at their treatment]
Scene Description: South Park, next day. The deadline has arrived.
Field reporter: Tom, I'm standing in chilly South Park, Colorado, where the residents are entering the third day of their sit-in to try and stop Native Americans from building a superhighway through their town. The temperature is low, but spirits are pretty low, too. [a Three Casinos Humvee rolls into town and four elders, including Runs with Premise, exit the vehicle]
Randy: [looking on suspiciously, huddled with his family] What do they want?
Mr. Garrison: We're not moving, ass-faces!
Runs with Premise: [walks up to Mr. Garrison with a blanket] Free blanket? [presents it to him] Though I know we have differences, we believe that a compromise can be reached. In the meantime, it hurts us to see you all on television sitting in the cold. Will you not take this offering as a gesture of good-will?
Mr. Garrison: You had me at "free blanket." [Runs with Premise nods and Garrison takes the blanket and opens it. Runs with Premise moves on to other townsfolk and the other elders join in, passing out blankets to the townsfolk.]
Elders: Free blanket? Free blanket? Free blanket...
Field reporter: Tom, it now looks as if the Native Americans are handing out blankets as a sign of good-will towards the South Park people. What an incredible display of compassion. I certainly hope there's nothing sinister behind it.
Runs with Premise: [walks up to Randy] Please. As a token of good faith.
Randy: You... understand if I'm a little wary of trusting you.
Runs with Premise: It is only a blanket, Mister Marsh.
Randy: Well, thanks. [takes the blanket and opens it up. The Chief walks away]
Runs with Premise: Oh. You're welcome.
Scene Description: South Park, day, later. People are anywhere from asleep to sick.
Field reporter: [leaning to his left] Tom, it's Tuesday morning now, and the outbreak of SARS in South Park has reached epic proportions. [coughs twice and sniffs] The entire town has been quarantined by the federal government, nobody allowed in our out, which means, nobody can come to our aid. [sniffs twice] It appears this town, and this reporter, are done for. Coming up next, choosing the right hair conditioner. What you don't know about hair care products could be costing you a bundle.
Scene Description: Randy has taken ill and now lies under a lean-to. Sharon sits on one side of the lean-to, Shelly on the other. Stan walks up to his dad with a can of beer in his hand. Randy coughs.
Stan: It's all right, dad.
Randy: How's your... mother?
Stan: [looks over] She's hanging in there. [looks at Randy again] Here, drink some beer. [Randy turns his head aside a bit so he can take a sip, then resets his head]
Randy: It's cool on my tongue.
Stan: You're gonna be all right.
Randy: Stanley, listen to me. I have SARS. There's only a ninety-eight percent chance that I will live.
Stan: No, Dad, NO.
Randy: Listen, Stan. SARS is destroying our people. The Native Americans put it in the blankets they gave us. [coughs and sniffs] Soon there will be only ninety-eight percent of us left. [runs out of air, then turns aside and breathes in. His voice turns raspy]
Stan: What can I do?
Randy: You... must find a cure for SARS, son. And save our people.
Stan: Cure SARS? Aw, Jesus!
Randy: The spirit of middle-class white people is strong in you, son. Seek out the wise man in Bellow Creek. Now go. GO! [Stan steps away, then runs. Randy relaxes and lays down]
Scene Description: Bellocreek Trailer Park. Stan approaches it and enters. He walks up to a trailer and knocks on the door.
Wise man: [answers the door] What?
Stan: Hey, my name's Stan, and I was-
Wise man: Your coming was foretold to me. You've come to save our people. Come in. [steps aside and Stan enters] Watch the cats.
Stan: Uh so, do you know how to cure SARS?
Wise man: Me?? Huh, no. I am just a guide. Sit down.
Scene Description: [Stan sits down on a bucket seat from a car. Beer bottles litter the trailer floor. The walls are dingy. An open doorway reveals the man's bedroom, which shows a cross hanging on the opposite wall. A poster of a swimsuit model posing on a car hangs on the living room wall. The man sits on the couch].
Wise man: You must find the answer yourself, by taking an inward journey. [picks up a can of paint thinner and pours it into a brown paper bag]
Stan: An inward journey? That sounds kinda gay.
Wise man: Let the voices of our ancestors show you the way. [offers the bag to Stan] Breathe. Breathe from the bag of visions. [Stan takes the bag, looks at it, then takes a deep breath from it]
Stan: [disgusted] Ah! Oh, dude!
Scene Description: Three Feathers Casino, night. Chief Runs with Premise holds a meeting in his second-story office.
Runs with Premise: How much longer must we wait for our superhighway??
Elder 1: SARS has spread throughout the entire town of South Park, Chief Runs with Premise. Their wills will break soon.
Runs with Premise: Then I suppose we must be patient.
Woman: Runs with Premise, come quickly!
Runs with Premise: What is the matter, wife?
Woman: It is our son, Premise Running Thin. He is very sick.
Scene Description: Premise Running Thin's bedroom. He's in bed, wearing a headband with a feather attached to it. His parents approach.
Runs with Premise: Premise Running Thin, what is the matter?
Woman: He, he shared a cup with one of the people from China. He has SARS!
Runs with Premise: No! I told you not to touch them!
Premise Running Thin: Papa. Papa...
Medicine Man: [wearing a wolf skin over his head and back] I have given him herbs from the desert plant and water from the cactus of life. But nothing seems to be working.
Runs with Premise: This would not have happened if those townspeople would have just moved away! No more waiting around! Tomorrow we begin the final stage of our plan! Shock and Awe!
Scene Description: South Park, next day. The townspeople are still sick. Stan runs up to Randy.
Stan: Dad! Dad!
Randy: Stanley. Did you have an inward journey with the old man? Did you have a vision??
Stan: Ah, I don't know if I did or not. I, I saw something, someone spoke to me and... told me the middle-class white way to cure SARS. [reaches into the bag and pulls out each item as he names it] Campbell's Chicken Noodle Soup, Dayquil, and Sprite.
Randy: Yes. Yes, of course. Quickly, Stan, we must give it to everyone! [a few hours later, everyone is standing around enjoying the soup, soda, and medicine prescribed, and chatting]
Kyle: Boy, that really did the trick, Stan. I thought we were kind of, sort of, not really done for.
Alex: Thanks to you, we're all safe now, Stan.
Scene Description: In the distance the bulldozers return and a yell is heard. As the bulldozers draw near, Chief Runs with Premise is seen standing on the running board of the lead bulldozer.
Runs with Premise: Now, I will blow your weak, SARS-infested bodies off the Earth! [the townsfolk look at the coming vehicles and slowly close ranks] What the? [thinks quickly] Wait a minute. [to his men] Stop! Stop! [hops off the bulldozer and walks up to the people] Your, your SARS. Where did it go?
Randy: We have cured ourselves using the medicines of our culture.
Runs with Premise: My son... Premise Running Thin has the SARS as well. [makes a truce sign with his hands] You... you can cure him?
Scene Description: Three Feathers Casino, upstairs. Premise Running Thin sits in bed sipping his soup. A can of Sprite and some Dayquil are on his tray. Around his bed are the Three Feathers tribe on one side, the South Park residents on the other.
Elder 1: It is amazing. All our plants and herbs failed to heal him.
Elder 2: But your people's remedy brings the spirit of the buffalo back into his heart. Perhaps there are many things we can learn from your way of life.
Randy: We're a simple people. All we want is to be allowed to live our lives.
Runs with Premise: You have cured Premise Running Thin. In return, I shall give you all five dollars credit at the casino. [his wife nudges him with her elbow a few times and he gets irritated] All right, all right, I will not build a superhighway through your town. And you can all have your homes back.
Townsfolk: All right! Yeah! [townspeople jump and cheer. Sheila and Gerald hug each other.] Woohoo!
Alex: Well, I guess we all learned that South Park is more than just a town. It's a community that nobody can split up.
Stan: Dude, who the hell are you?
Alex: Alex. Alex Glick. I got to come on and do the guest voice thingy.
Kyle: What?! Get the hell out of here!
Alex: Hi Mom! Hi Dad! Hi Jill!


Scene Description: South Park, school bus stop, morning. Stan, Cartman and Kenny wait for the bus. Stan is dressed in fishnet tank top, artsy pants, and a new, furry cap with the same colors as his old one. Cartman is dressed in a Madonna fashion shirt and artsy pants. His hair is tussled and brighter than usual. Kenny is dressed in a purple parka with light purple sleeves. A lock of his hair peeks out from under the hood.
Stan: Oh my God, you guys are not gonna believe what happened to me last night.
Cartman: What? Tell us?
Stan: So, I'm watching the season premiere of Boy Meets Boy on television, and then Queer Eye for the Straight Guy comes on, right? So I fall asleep in front of the TV, and when I wake up, I see that I've spilled the Coke I was drinking all over my satin pajama top.
Cartman: Oh my Gosh, are you serious? That was the cutest top ever!
Stan: I know!
Kenny: (I just LOVE this jacket 'cause it's SOOO beautiful!)
Stan: Oh, tell me about it, Ken doll.
Kyle: [joins them, but dressed as usual] Hey dudes. [the others glance at him]
Cartman: [begins to laugh at him] What a dork!
Kyle: What?
Cartman: Nice jacket, Kyle! Polyester is really the hot fabric this fall! [laughs heartily]
Kyle: Well, but, this is the jacket I always wear.
Stan: You've gotta get with the times, girlfriend.
Cartman: Yeah, that jacket is so September 10th. [Stan inspects Kyle's jacket]
Stan: Oohh my God, you got splotches on your neck. Are you using any exfoliating products at all??
Cartman: We can't let Kyle out in public like this, you guys.
Kenny: (That's the truth.)
Stan: Come on, Kyle! We're giving you a makeover! [the boys excitedly pull Kyle along to South Park Mall]
Scene Description: Montage
Singers (Widelife): You... came into my life... and my world never looked so bright. Yeah. It's true. You bring out the best in me. When you are around, when you are around, all things just keep getting better. It keeps getting better. Life keeps getting better and better (All things just keep getting better).
Scene Description: The Broflovski house. Gerald and Sheila watch TV from their couch
Announcer: Coming up on HBC, it's Queer Eye for the Straight Guy!
Carson: [a shot of Queer Eye...] We have got to get you some tighter-fitting shirts!
Announcer: [the night's schedule pops up over the scene] Then it's Boy Meets Boy, followed by Will and Grace, and then, the Love Boat... with Men.
Sheila: My goodness, there certainly are a lot of gay shows on television these days.
Gerald: Yeah. I think it's great that gays are finally being so accepted. [the door opens and the four newly-clothed boys enter]
Kyle: [waves] Hi Mom, Hi Dad!
Gerald: [looks and jumps to his feet] HAAAAAA!!! [walks over to Kyle] Kyle! What's happened to you??
Kyle: I'm just trying to fit in, Daddy. Don't be such a drama queen! [leads the others boys out of the living room]
Gerald: Oh my God! Come on, Sheila! [she rises] We'd better go tell the other parents what's going on!! [they leave.]
Scene Description: The Marsh house. Gerald is pounding on the front door and Sharon answers.
Sharon: Oh hi Gerald, Sheila.
Gerald: Hi Sharon. Uh, we need to talk to you about the boys.
Sharon: Sure. Come on in. The guys are all watching TV.
Gerald: Oh, is the game on or something? [they move towards the sofa, where a bunch of the men are watching]
Randy: [moves over to Gerald and hugs him] Heeey Geraaald! How are youuuu!! [the other men greet him as well]
Other Men: Geraaald! Hi Gerald.
Stuart: Sit down, Jer-Jer! Queer Eye For the Straight Guy is on.
Gerald: Oh no! Y-you guys all turned gay too?? [the other men laugh]
Randy: Not gay, Gerald, metrosexual.
Gerald: What's that?
Skeeter: Just because a guy cares about how he looks and is in touch with his feminine side doesn't mean he's gay anymore.
Stuart: Yeah. Metrosexual means you're straight, but you appreciate the gay culture.
Randy: It's super-fabulous. Would you like some shirazz?
Scene Description: The ladies look on from the kitchen.
Sharon: Don't our men look
Linda: Haven't you seen Queer Eye For the Straight Guy, Sheila? These five gay men go around and show straight men how to better themselves. It's the best.
Sheila: It is?
Sharon: Well sure, Sheila. Our husbands are all so clean and neat. My Randy irons his clothes and even has pedicures.
Linda: And they like to talk about their feeling now and drink wine and decorate the house.
Sarah: My Steven shaved his chest and his balls. Oooh, I love it!
Sharon: And how about our boys, huh? Ever since gay culture became cool, our boys bathe every night and brush their teeth three times a day. This is the greatest thing ever.
Sheila: I don't know. Sometimes boys take cultural fads too far...
Scene Description: South Park, day. The boys go to school in their new threads. They stop at the main entrance.
Stan: Dude, I can't wait for Wendy to see how gay I look!
Cartman: That's true, you guys. When the chicks at school see how gay we are, they're gonna be all over us.
Kenny: (Woohoo!!)
Stan: All right. Let's work it! [shimmies a bit. The boys turn and pass through the entrance, but stop in their tracks.] What the...?
Butters: Tootaloo, Connor. See ya after classes.
Connor: Okay, sweetums. [they part ways. Butters goes off to his right. Farther away, near the drinking fountains, stand Timmy, Jimmy, Kevin, and Pip]
Clyde: Oh my God, where is my homework?! I am freaking out! [turns right and follows after Butters. The boys look on in stunned silence]
A boy: Hey dudes. [the boys look and it's Craig with Token, Jason, and Tweek]
Stan: Hey Craig.
Craig: You guys look pretty gay.
Kyle: [happily] Thanks.
Craig: [him and his group are not happy about it] Not as gay as us, though.
Cartman: [moves in front of Kyle] Oh, please Craig, we're ten times gayer than you!
Craig: Oh yeah?! We're super duper triple-dog gay!
Cartman: Oh yeah?! We're all ultra super stamp it stamp it no erasies mega gay!
Chef: [arrives] What's all this fightin' about, children?!
Stan: These guys are trying to say they're gayer than us!
Chef: Aw nah. Don't tell me you children have taken up this whole metrosexual fad, too.
Stan: Oh My God, this is not a fad, this is who we are!
Chef: No it isn't. Last year you children were all trying to be black, and now you're trying to be gay!
Stan: We're metrosexual!!
Craig: Maybe. But you'll never be as metrosexual as us! Come on, fags! [snaps his fingers and his group follows him away]
Cartman: GOD I HATE CRAIG!! [Stan and Kenny turn to leave] That son of a... djah!! [leaves. Kyle turns to leave, but has second thoughts.]
Kyle: Chef, I don't feel very metrosexual.
Chef: Well, then, don't buy into this fad, Kyle. Be who you are, not what's cool.
Scene Description: Mr. Garrison's class, next day. He enters. On the blackboard are two math problems: one addition, one subtraction.
Mr. Garrison: All right children, let's take our seats.
Class: [in unison] Good morning Mr. Garrison. [their dulcet tones get his attention, and he turns around]
Mr. Garrison: Well, uh d-don't you all look nice.
Timmy: [responds, gestures gaily with his hands] Oooo, Timmy. [the door opens and Kyle enters. A closeup of the boys as Kyle goes to his seat]
Stan: Dude! W-what are you doing?
Kyle: I didn't feel comfortable in that stuff, dude. I'm just being me.
Craig: HA! Told you you guys were straight!
Stan: We're not straight! You're straight!
Jason, Craig, Tweek, Token: You're straight!
Cartman: You're straight like a freeway!
Mr. Garrison: What the hell is going on??
Cartman: You wish you were gay, Craig! In you dreams!!
Craig: I'm not just gay, I'm a catamite. [Stan, Kyle, Cartman and Kenny stay silent, looking at each other]
Cartman: ...So? I'm half bisexual!
Mr. Garrison: Oh, stop it!! You kids don't even know what you're talking about!! Eric, you're not half-bi!!
Cartman: I'm like, a quarter-bi. My grandpa was bi, so that makes me quarter-bi.
Mr. Garrison: WHAT??
Scene Description: Nighttime. Mr. Garrison and Mr. Slave walk down the street.
Mr. Garrison: It was the craziest thing I've ever seen, Mr. Slave. All the children were suddenly acting like being gay was cool. I mean, maybe we're not the only gay couple in town anymore. [they cross the cross street and enter the bar at the corner]
Mr. Slave: Oh, Jesus Christ.
Scene Description: The bar, inside. Disco music is playing. Mr. Garrison looks in awe at the metrosexuals now milling about.
Mr. Garrison: Look at that, Mr. Slave. [a pan shot of the people there. He puts his hands over his mouth] Our cup runneth over.
Mr. Slave: [puts his right hand over his mouth] Jesus Christ.
Jimbo: [standing with Ned at the bar] Mr. Garrison, those are great pants.
Mr. Garrison: Thanks, Jimbo. I really like your outfit, too. [cuddles up to him] Soho... so Jimbo, you... wanna come back to my place with me and Mr. Slave?
Jimbo: Uh, for what?
Mr. Garrison: Well, you know...
Jimbo: No.
Mr. Garrison: Huh.
Randy: Mr. Garrison! [Garrison and Slave walk over] Hey doll.
Mr. Garrison: Oh hey Randy.
Randy: You're looking ultra-fabulous.
Mr. Garrison: Well thanks. You too. [leans in a bit] So uh, Randy, you want me to give you a hand job in the bathroom?
Randy: [turns his back to Mr. Garrison and walks away] Nuno, thanks, I'm, I'm not like that.
Mr. Garrison: Not, not like that?
Richard: [approaches, carries some glasses of wine] How about some shirazz, guys? [Garrison and Slave each take a glass]
Mr. Garrison: Uh-Oh, thanks, Mr. Tweek.
Richard: My pleasure, silly-buns.
Mr. Garrison: Oh, wuh, well uh, Mr. Tweek, why don't we uh, go back to my place.
Richard: Why?
Mr. Garrison: Well, you know, I was just thinking we could... put on some music and watch videos and pound Mr. Slave's tight little ass.
Mr. Slave: Woohoohoohoo, Jesus Christ.
Richard: Wohohoho, goodness no. I, I'm straight.
Mr. Garrison: Straight? Bu-uh, Oh what... Jesus, what the hell is goin' on here?!
Patrons: Huh?
Mr. Garrison: Why won't anybody pound Mr. Slave's butt?!
Randy: Well, we don't "pound butt," Mr. Garrison, we're straight.
Mr. Garrison: Those pants and those shoes say you pound butt!!
Jimbo: Hey, now that's not true. My shoes don't say I pound butt.
Mr. Garrison: No, your shoes say you take it in the butt!!
Skeeter: So, Mr. Garrison. We learned that gays are totally cool. You're just one of us now.
Patrons: Yeah.
Mr. Garrison: One of you?! [throws his glass down] We've spent our whole lives tryin' NOT to be one of you! You can't do this to us!!
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, playground, day.
Cartman: Have you guys seen this? It's a conditioner that you can leave in, and it detoxifies the scalp.
Stan: Wow, is that from Origins?
Cartman: Yeah. It's a charcoal-based thing that-
Kyle: [approaches with a football] Hey guys. You wanna throw the football around?
Cartman: Guys, can I talk to you over here for a second? [pulls Stan and Kenny away from Kyle] Look, guys, a lot of the kids in school are talking, okay? And they're spreading rumors that we're not metrosexuals because... we hang out with Kyle.
Stan: Well, what can we do about it?
Cartman: We have no choice, you guys. We're just gonna have to kill Kyle.
Stan: What?? That's stupid. We wouldn't have to kill Kyle! We would just to tell him not to hang around us anymore.
Cartman: Oh, you know, you're right, Stan. We just have to tell Kyle not to hang around us anymore.
Stan: Yeah. Wait, what?
Cartman: You hear that, Kenny? Stan thinks we should tell Kyle not to hang around us anymore. I think he's right. Good luck telling him, Stan. I... know it won't be easy.
Craig: [approaches with his friends] Hey, butch boy. Nice football you got there. [they laugh at him]
Token: When was the last time you had a manicure, straight man? [Kyle picks up his football]
Jason: Yeah, let's see that hair. [lifts up Kyle's hat] Look, he's not even using any product! [he and the others laugh at him. Other boys gather in and join in the laughter]
Stan: [returns with Cartman and Kenny] Hey, what's goin' on?
Craig: Oh, here come the butch boys to help their butchy little friend!
Cartman: He's not our friend. [Stan's jaw drops a bit. Cartman looks at Stan and walks away. Kenny follows]
Kyle: Stan? [Stan looks at Kyle, sighs, and walks away]
Jason: [shoves Kyle a bit] This playground is for metrosexuals, macho man!
Craig: Take your non-flaming ass to some other school! [the other boys gather round Kyle and gang up on him]
Kyle: No! Ah!
Scene Description: South Park sign, now with a bed of flowers under it.
Scene Description: The Broflovski house. Kyle returns with bruises all over his body. His mom is dusting.
Sheila: [sees him and drops her duster to kneel next to him] Kyle! What happened to you?!
Kyle: [sniffs] I got beat up at school... for being different.
Sheila: WHAT?? Your classmates beat you up for being a Jew?
Kyle: No! For not being a metrosexual.
Sheila: Gerald! Gerald, get down here!
Gerald: [upstairs. Disco music plays] Here I come! [dances down the stairs, then moonwalks right back up, then strikes a pose.]
Kyle: Oh no! Dad's metrosexual too?
Gerald: Kyle! You look terrible! [walks down and approaches him]
Sheila: The boys at school beat him up, Gerald.
Gerald: Oh, really?! Well, don't you worry, Kyle. We can cover that black eye up with some cream base, and the coat and pants we'll bleach with an acid wash for a fun vintage look.
Kyle: Gah! Just leave me alone! [walks away and passes the TV]
A voice: There you go! Now you look fabulous.
Kyan: You see that? A spray-on tan does wonders for your look.
Kyle: GRRRRR!!
Thom: Now let's get down to the tango class and learn some new steps. [the straight man smiles]
Kyle: That does it! I know what I have to do! [walks off]
Scene Description: Chef's house, day. Mr. Garrison rings the bell.
Chef: Oh, hello, Mr. Garrison.
Mr. Garrison: [sadly] Chef, can I talk to you?
Chef: Sure. Come on in.
Mr. Garrison: Thanks. Come, Slave. [yanks Mr. Slave in by a leash around his neck. Both men sit on Chef's couch. Mr. Slave buries his face in his hands] Oh, it's just awful, Chef! I used to feel like an outsider, a totally different person who stood out in this town! Now every straight guy is acting gayer than me!
Mr. Slave: [sobs] Oh Jesus! Jesus Christ!
Chef: Well, what do you want me to do about it?
Mr. Garrison: Chef, what did you do when white people stole your culture?
Chef: Oh. Well, we black people just always tried to stay out in front of them.
Mr. Slave: [straightens up] How did you do that?
Chef: Well, like with our slang. Black people always used to say, "I'm in the house" instead of "I'm here." But then white people all started to say "in the house" so we switched it to "in the hizzouse." Hizzouse became hizzizzouse, and then white folk started saying that, and we had to change it to hizzie, then "in the hizzle" which we had to change to "hizzle fo shizzle," and now, because white people say "hizzle fo shizzle," we have to say "flippity floppity floop."
Mr. Garrison: [slumps forward] We don't have time for all that, Chef! Oh, if only those Queer Eye For the Straight Guy people understood what they were doing. [thinks] Wait. [rises] That's it! I know exactly what to do! [yanks on Mr. Slave's leash] Come on, Mr. Slave! Let's get back to our flippity floppity floop. [exits the front door with Mr. Slave]
Chef: Oh no! Damnit! Don't call it that! [the door closes]
Scene Description: South Park Train Station. Kyle approaches a ticket booth.
Kyle: One ticket to New York, please.
Clerk: [handing a ticket over] You're going to New York alone?
Kyle: I'm going to see the Queer Eye For the Straight Guy people.
Clerk: Oooo, great idea! They can help you with those dated clothes.
Kyle: Mrrh.
Scene Description: Kyle walks away, then unsheathed a sharp knife. He enters the train. Inside, he walks down the aisle until he sees a bench. He hops onto it and sits down. A few seconds later, he notices the two men to his left, then looks up in recognition: they are Mr. Garrison and Mr. Slave. Mr. Garrison is carrying his own knife.
Kyle: Mr. Garrison?
Mr. Garrison: Kyle, what are you doing here?
Kyle: I'm going to New York to kill the Queer Eye For the Straight Guy people!
Mr. Garrison: What?? That's what I'm doing!
Kyle: Oh no! They ruined my life! I get to kill them first!
Mr. Garrison: They took gay culture from real gays and their asses are ours!
Kyle: I thought of it first!
Mr. Garrison: No you didn't! No you didn't!
Kyle: Did so! Did so!
Mr. Garrison: I thought of it yesterday!
Kyle: I thought of it two days ago!
Mr. Garrison: I thought of it before you were born!
Mr. Slave: Stop it, you two! Stop it! Don't you see how crazy this is?
Mr. Garrison: Oh. [sigh] You're right, Mr. Slave. We can both kill them together.
Kyle: Cool.
Scene Description: South Park Mall, day. The boys are at a clothing store.
Stan: Wow, we look great!
Cartman: Yeah, and let's see Craig out gay us now.
Randy: Boys! Boys! Come on! There's a sale down in Express for Men! [leaves. The boys follow him out. Randy calls out to the other men in the mall] Hey guys! There's a sale in Express for Men! [their wives sit on benches in the center of the mall with nothing to do]
Richard: Oh my God!
Man: Let's go! Let's go!
Ryan: [walking down the far side of the mall] You guys have got to see these shoes I bought!
Gerald: Hurry, you guys! The mall closes in seven hours!
Jimbo: Oh, why can't we all live at the mall?!
Sharon: You know, I'm starting to think this whole metrosexual thing isn't so great.
Linda: I know what you mean. All my husband ever does now is look at himself in the mirror. He cares more about how he looks than how I look.
Mrs. Tweek: I hope something happens soon to put an end to this whole fad.
Scene Description: HBC Television Headquarters, New York. The head of programming is with the Queer Eye guys.
Head of Programming: Guys, you've done a terrific job. Queer Eye For the Straight Guy is our number one show! [the guys cheer]
Carson: What can I say? We're fabulous.
Head of Programming: You guys are changing the world! And tomorrow, we're gonna have you make over the President of the United States!
Jai: Oh my God, I think I'm gonna faint. [a knock is heard at the door, then it opens]
Mr. Garrison: Room service. [a service cart rolls in]
Head of Programming: What? We didn't order any room service.
Mr. Garrison: Oh, well, the woman at the front desk sent it up.
Head of Programming: Carol? [lifts the platter's lid for a brief peek, then lowers it] Well, I'll have to check on this. Excuse me a minute, fellas. [leaves. Mr. Garrison continues inside the office when the coast is clear. He takes the cart to the desk and parks it there. Kyle pops out and rushes to lock the door]
Kyle: Clear!
Mr. Garrison: [whips out his walkie-talkie and speaks into it] Okay, Mr. Slave! [From a nearby building Mr. Slave swings down like Spiderman and crashes through the window, but passes out on impact. His body collapses on the floor]
Mr. Slave: Unh, Jesus [a chunk of window falls onto his ass] Christ.
Mr. Garrison: Well crap, that didn't work.
Scene Description: South Park Mall, day. Stan and his group face off against Craig and his group at the center of the mall.
Stan: You'd better shut up, Craig.
Craig: Everyone knows it's true!
Stan: It is not!
Craig: Is so!
Tom: Craig! Behave yourself!
Randy: Yeah, Stanley. What are you fighting about?
Stan: Dad, Craig is trying to say that his dad can out dress you!
Randy: What? Son, that's a silly thing to fight about.
Tom: Yeah. Everyone already knows I dress better than Randy.
Randy: Oh really?!
Tom: I mean, you do have the fashion sense of a Japanese woman.
Men: Ooooo.
Randy: Please, girlfriend. You look like some kind of Little Orphan Annie nightmare.
Other men: Oh no, errrr!
Sharon: Oh, stop it! Will you all just stop it?! [the men fall silent] Look, you guys are carrying this fad too far! Will you please stop acting this way?!
Tom: You don't... like us being metrosexual?
The women: NO!
Randy: Well, you know what I think? I think you're all metrophobic!
The males: Yeah!!
Linda: What?
Jimbo: We shouldn't be fighting amongst ourselves, we should be uniting against metrophobes like these!
Sharon: This is crazy!
Randy: [steps forward, past the boys] Crazy? Different? Outcasts? Call us what you want. But us metros are real people, just like you!
Tom: [steps forward, past the boys] You can metrobash us all you want, but we're here to stay!
Craig: [steps forward, past his father] Yeah Mom! We're proud of who we are.
Cartman: [steps forward] That's right. Proud. You know what I think, guys? I think we should have a metrosexual pride parade.
Ryan: Great idea, Eric! Raise metrosexual awareness!
Stuart: We can make floats and decorate them with streamers and flowers!
Kenny: (Woohoohoo!)
Randy: Come on, fellas! Out of the malls and into the streets!
The males: Out of the malls and into the streets! Out of the malls and into the streets! Out of the malls and into the streets!
Mrs. Tweek: What the hell did that show do to them?
Scene Description: HBC Television Headquarters, New York. Police have been called in and have apprehended Mr. Garrison, Mr. Slave, and Kyle.
Officer: You sure you don't want to press charges?
Kyan: That's okay, officer. I think they learned murder is wrong.
Carson: Especially in those pants.
Mr. Garrison: [the cops leave] Look, guys, we're sorry we tried to murder you, but... You have to stop what you're doing!
Jai: Are you crazy?! We're the hottest thing on TV!
Mr. Garrison: But don't you see the price? You're selling out your own kind. Look, us gays have created a lifestyle, a, a culture that is uniquely ours. If we keep trying to make straight people into us, well, we're gonna have no identity left.
Kyan: Sorry Charlie, no sale. [he and the others turn and walk away]
Mr. Garrison: Buh... but... this doesn't make sense! [grabs his head] How can gay men do this to their own people?? [the Queer Eye guys reach the exit] Unless... you're not gay at all... [the guys stop, turn around, look at Garrison angrily, then return]
Thom: You just had to push it, didn't you?!
Jai: Just had to keep asking question!
Carson: [locks the exit] Now you know the truth!
Kyle: They aren't gay? Then what are they?
Kyan: For a thousand years our kind have lived beneath the earth's crust! Banished by man in the Kindling Wars.
Mr. Garrison: Oh my God. [Kyan steps forward and begins to crumble. A walking crab pops out]
Leader: We are the Crab People!
Kyle: AAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Mr. Slave: Jesus Christ!
The Queer Eye guys: [they too crumble and advance] Crab People! Crab People! Crab People!
Scene Description: A subterranean cave. The crab people lead their hostages to their camp.
Crab People: Crab People! Crab People! Crab People!.
Crab Leader: [entirely red] See now where we have been forced to live for a thousand years! But soon we shall rule the land above, and mankind will be gone!
Mr. Garrison: Gone?? ["Crab People! Crab People!"]
Crab Man 2: Crab people are too small and weak to take over man by force, and so we came up with our perfect plan! [another crab person walks over to a closet full of human shells, all of them replicas of the Queer Eye guys. The crab person climbs in a Carson replica and closes the shell behind him. Carson's replica comes to life]
Carson replica: If you can't beat man, [drops down from his hook] change man!
Mr. Garrison: I knew it! I knew gay people would never do this to their own kind! [some crab people restrain him and Mr. Slave]
Crab Leader: When all the world is metrosexual, the crab people shall finally reign supreme!! [raises his pincers and claps. The other crab people join him and clap]
Crab People: Crab People! Crab People!
Crab Solo: Taste like crab, talk like people.
Crab People: Crab People!
Kyle: You'll never turn ME into a metrosexual! I like being a dirty, filthy little boy!
Crab Man 2: [approaches] Very well. If we can't make you into metrosexuals, then we will make you into crab people! Take them!! [the crab people swarm in and separate the hostages. Some of them take Kyle into Crabwear and select a crab outfit for him to wear. Then they take him to Crab Salon and put antennae on his hat, then they take him to get a facial, then they march him down the underground road]
Singers(Crab People): All things just keep getting better You... came into my life (Crab People) and my world never looked so bright. Yeah. (Crab People) It's true. You bring out the best in me. (Crab People) When you are around, when you are around, (Crab People) All things just keep getting better. (Crab People)
Scene Description: South Park, day. A Metrosexual Pride Parade moves down the street in the background, and News 4 is covering it.
Reporter: Tom, I'm standing in South Park, Colorado, where the first Metrosexual Pride Parade is underway! [in a rainbow peacock float Randy, Jimbo, Skeeter and Stuart ride and cheer. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny ride in a banana float which features an ocean wave and a palm tree. On the tree waves a rainbow flag that says "Here to Stay"
The boys: We're here! [clap clap] We're not queer! [clap clap] But we're close! [clap clap] Get used to it! We're here! [clap clap] We're not queer! [clap clap] But we're close! [clap clap] Get used to it!
Sharon: [as the boys' voices fade away] That does it! I can't take it anymore!
The boys: We're here! [clap clap] We're not queer! [clap clap] But we're close! [clap clap] Get used to it!
Linda: I should have never wished for a cleaner, neater husband.
Sharon: Ladies, get your things! I know what we have to do! [leads the ladies away. Randy's float hits a pothole and veers to the right. It hits the sushi restaurant as the spectators back away quickly]
Jimbo: Whoa, look out! [the float hits the building and breaks a window. A small fire is heard]
Randy: Oh my God, it's on fire! [the men jump out of the float and run to the other side of the street]
Skeeter: Put it out! Put it out!
Randy: I can't do anything! These are brand-new pants!
Skeeter: The heat could really damage our hair. We'd better let the police handle this!
Officer Barbrady: [seated on his patrol car, buffing his nails] Are you crazy? I just had my uniform pressed!
Jimbo: [the float and building are now fully engulfed in flames] Oh Jesus, it's burning! Oh my God!
Skeeter: Eeeek!
Randy: Put it out! Put it out! Fire!
Scene Description: HBC Headquarters, New York. The Queer Eye guys work on President Bush on their show.
Carson: Mr. President, it is such an honor to make you over!
Kyan: Now, we've got to do something with your hair.
Thom: And your nails are filthy. Let's get those clean.
Head of Programming: This is gay gold! [Mr. Garrison, Mr. Slave, and Kyle look down from the sound booth]
Mr. Garrison: Stop them! They're crab people!
Crab Man 3: They cannot see or hear us, foolish man. Now stand by and watch as your pitiful race becomes helpless!!
Carson: That is very good, Mr. President. Now, put on this silk jacket. [Kyan, Jai, and Thom remove the President's coat and Carson hands him the jacket]
Kyle: No Mr. President!! Don't do it! [the crab man holding him quickly covers his mouth] Help!
Mr. Garrison: You bastards!
Kyan: That looks great! Now, how about some moisturizer. [Bush and the guys smile. The studio door bursts open and the women flood into the studio wielding bats]
Sharon: There they are! Get 'em!
Kyan: What? [their smiles vanish]
Linda: You turned our husbands into whiny little wusses!!
Sarah: It's payback time! [the women rush in and start beating up the Queer Eye guys]
Head of Programming: Oh my God, what are they doing?!
Crab Man 3: Oh noooo!! [Mr. Garrison and Mr. Slave react and crack the crab people in two in the booth as the women finish Queer Eye guys off below]
Head of Programming: [kneeling at the corpses of Carson and Kyan] Wha? What have you done?
Sharon: We're sorry, but we didn't have a choice. You see, at first we liked having our men be clean and neat. We thought that having them use product in their hair and wanting facials would make them sexier. But it doesn't.
Linda: That's right. Event though my Steven sickens me out sometimes, it's his rugged manly grossness that I'm attracted to.
Sarah: We're sorry, but we knew that the only answer was tuh kill the Queer Eye guys.
Head of Programming: Well you're going to jail for thi-! [Kyan's body begins to move, and the HoP looks down] Wait a minute. [a crab man crawls out] What is that?
Crab Leader: No! Our evil plans! Noooo... [dies]
Head of Programming: Oh my God. They were crab people.
Mr. Garrison: [enters the studio with Slave and Kyle in tow] Yes! They were trying to systematically make men into wusses so they could take over the world!
Kyle: Mom!
Sheila: Kyle!
Head of Programming: I should have known they were crab people. They tried this before with The Jeffersons.
Mr. Garrison: So now, can you please change your network's programming?
Head of Programming: Yes. Yes, I think this gay fad is over. Gentlemen, back to Studio 12! We're gonna bring back the Latin fad.
Scene Description: South Park. The sign has been redrawn with a barrio graffiti font.
Scene Description: The McCormick house, day. Randy, Jimbo, Skeeter, and Stuart are now dressed as cholos on the porch. Two six-packs of Coronas are on the ground. Some of the bottles are already empty.
Randy: Hey eses.
Stuart: Hey hefe. You want some cerveza? [hands Randy a beer.]
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Kyle walks into view in the school hall.
Stan: Kyle. Hey, ese. You wanna come play catch with us?
Kyle: What? Y-you want me to hang out with you?
Stan: Yeah. It's cool, holmes.
Kyle: No, dude, it really isn't cool. You all turned your backs on me. You're supposed to be my best friends and you just... treated me like nothing! And now you all expect me to just forget it all and, and hang out with you again like nothing happened?
Stan: Aw Jesus, Kyle, don't be such a whiny little gaywad! Come play catch with us. [turns and walks away]
Cartman: Yeah, don't be such a fag, dude! [turns and walks away. Kenny just looks at him and walks off. Kyle looks away, then back at the boys, then walks away in the opposite direction. He stops, thinks for a while, then turns around and hurries to them]
Kyle: God-damnit!


Scene Description: Stan and the boys are in the Marsh garage belting out tunes, but their musical styles are scattered. Cartman sings lead, Stan and Kyle on are guitars, Kenny is on the drums.
Cartman: God dammit! [hangs his head and lets the mic stand fall into his left hand. All stop playing and the side door opens]
Randy: [looks in] Stan, are you okay?
Stan: Yeah, dad. We're just rehearsing our band. [Cartman straightens up]
Randy: Ooohhh, I thought a group of Vietnamese people were having their intestines pulled out through their mouths. [steps back and closes the door]
Cartman: [cackling] Heheheheheh heheheheheh.
Kyle: He's right, dude. We have to define our style if we're ever going to make a platinum album. I mean, ah I'm a fusion guy, but Kenny's background is more Latin Jazz.
Kenny: (What? Is it?)
Stan: Yeah, and I'm more hip-hop and R-and-B oriented. [Cartman paces the floor with arms behind his back]
Kyle: I think out band better buy a whole bunch of music CDs to listen to for inspiration.
Cartman: [stops] Inspiration. Wait a minute, [turns right and walks away from them] that's it. Inspiration, you guys. Don't you see?
Stan: See what?
Cartman: [turns around] Our band should play Christian rock! [beams with pride]
Kyle: Christian rock?!
Cartman: [races back to the band] Think about it! It's the easiest crappiest music in the world, right? If we just play songs about how much we love Jesus, all the Christians will buy our crap!
Kyle: That's a retarded idea, Cartman!
Cartman: [protests, takes a step towards Kyle] It worked for Creed!
Stan: I don't wanna be in a stupid Christian rock band!
Cartman: [steps towards Stan] You just start that way, Stan, then you cross over. It's genius!
Kyle: [pointing to an exit] Just get the hell out of here, Cartman! You're not serious and you're a detriment to the band!
Cartman: Oh yeah?! I will bet you ten bucks that if I start a Christian rock band that I can get a platinum album before you guys do!
Kyle: You're on, fat boy!
Cartman: Okay, fine! Ready?! First one to have a platinum album wins! Go! [runs out as fast as his fat little body will let him, and pants]
Kyle: [after a few seconds of watching the door] What a stupid asshole!
Scene Description: The neighborhood, day. Cartman runs through the streets. He appears over a rise on one of the streets.
Cartman: Platinum album! Platinum album! Gotta make a platinum album before Kyle! [runs up to a house and pounds on the front door. The door opens up and it's Butters who answers]
Butters: Oh, hi Eric.
Cartman: Butters! Get your drum set and meet me at my house! We have to make a platinum album! Hurry, Butters! [dashes off]
Butters: [watching Cartman run off] ...Ohhh!
Scene Description: Token's mansion. Cartman runs up to the front door.
Cartman: No time to waste! Platinum album! Must beat Kyle! [pounds on the door and Token answers] Token! Get the bass guitar out of your basement and meet me over at my house! [turns around and dashes off]
Token: What?! We don't have a bass guitar.
Cartman: [spins around] Your family's black, Token! There's bound to be a bass guitar in your basement somewhere! [runs off. Token gets annoyed and shuts the door]
Scene Description: Cartman's house. He and Butters are in the living room. Cartman is at the piano, Butters is on drums.
Butters: Whoa, you sure seem with it, Eric. You must have some... inspiration.
Cartman: Yes, the tears of Kyle Broflovski when he loses his ten dollars to me. [makes changes to the sheet music on the piano's sheet music holder]
Token: [arrives with a bass and a small amplifier] Hey, there was a bass guitar in my basement.
Cartman: I told you, Token.
Token: So, what are we doing?
Cartman: Gentlemen, we are about to embark on the most amazing, life-affirming, financially windfalling experiences of our young lives.
Butters: Wow!
Cartman: We are going to start... a Christian rock band.
Butters: [his smile vanishes and he slumps in his chair] Awww.
Token: [moves towards the front door] I'm out. [picks up his amp]
Cartman: Wait! [Token stops, Cartman rushes over] Walk out that door, Token, and you'll regret it the rest of your life! Christians have a built-in audience of over one hundred and eighty million Americans! If each one of them buys just one of our albums at twelve dollars and ninety-five cents that would be- [points to Butters]
Butters: Two billion, three hundred and thirty one million dollars.
Cartman: Still want to leave, Token? [Token thinks a bit, then resumes his place] Thank you.
Scene Description: The Broflovski house, living room. Gerald and Sheila are on the sofa. Gerald reads a book, Sheila is knitting.
Kyle: [enters and stands before them] Dad, can I borrow three hundred dollars?
Gerald: Three hundred dollars?? What in the world for??
Kyle: Our band can't find a stylistic direction to go in. We need to go down to the mall to buy hundreds of CDs to listen to so we can define our sound.
Gerald: Sorry Kyle, we gave you your allowance already.
Kyle: Ugh. Can't you see this is my dream?? Music is my life!
Gerald: It wasn't your life yesterday. [resumes reading]
Kyle: Hold it. [plaintive] Pops, I've got the music inside me. It's in my soul. And I know my place is up on that stage. I'm gonna make it to the top. And I just want your blessing, Pops.
Gerald: The answer is no, Kyle.
Kyle: Aw, come on Dad, don't be such a Jew!
Sheila: Kyle, don't belittle your own people!
Kyle: [turns and walks off in frustration] Aaaargh! [heads for the front door and opens it. Stan and Kenny approach the entrance. It's night out.]
Stan: Hey dude.
Kyle: It didn't work! My stupid Jew dad won't lend me money for CDs!
Stan: No, dude, it's cool. Kenny says you can download music for free on the Internet!
Kyle: Really?
Kenny: (Yeah!)
Stan: You got a computer?
Scene Description: Stan's Dad's den, moments later. The boys are at the computer. Stan works the keyboard as Kyle and Kenny watch.
Stan: See? Everyone on the Internet copies their music from their CDs, and then we can download them for free and play them on the computer!
Kyle: All right, cool. [takes over] Let's download some Metallica, and some Stevie Wonder. [with each name, he clicks on some songs and a download indicator shows download progress for each one. It's an extremely fast connection]
Kenny: (Oh you forgot to get some Judas Priest.)
Stan: Kenny's right. We should download some Judas Priest, too.
Kyle: [types in the search box] Judas Priest. [a two-tone bell sound indicates a successful download] Wow! Downloading music for free is awesome! [immediately, helicopters are heard coming and the light outside turns bright white. A night sun hovers overhead and stops at a position in which the helicopter pilots can see inside the den. Police sirens are then heard]
Stan: What the hell is that?
Kyle: I don't know. [drops from the bench and walks over to a window] Let me go check. [an FBI agent crashes through the window, falls and rolls into a standing position, then aims his firearm at the boys. The boys are startled and jump]
Agent 1: Freeze!! FBI!! [a second agent crashes through the other window and rolls into position as well. A third agent leaps in through the second window]
Agent 2: Down on the ground! Down on the ground! [the boys are herded closer together. Three thumps are heard on the door and more agents break in with a battering ram.]
Agent 3: Hurry up! Let me see those hands! [the boys quickly raise their hands as more agents pour in. The boys are handcuffed]
Agent 2: [into his walkie-talkie] Tango Teamus to Point Bravo! Suspects in custody! [the boys are escorted out of the room]
Agent 4: Move move move move move move! All clear, men! [to the boys] Get your ass going!
Agent 5: Move move move move move move! Move!
Gerald: [appears at the door with Sheila] Kyle, what did you do?!
Kyle: [being herded into an FBI van with the other boys] I don't know!
Scene Description: Cartman's house. He, Token and Butters begin to practice.
Cartman: All right, guys, this is gonna be so easy. All we have to do to make Christian songs is take regular old songs and add Jesus stuff to them. [some sheet music is shown. Cartman has already crossed out the original author's name] See? All we have to do is cross out words like "baby" and "Darling" and replace them with [writes next to "baby"] Jesus. All right, Butters, give me a beat. [Butters doesn't understand, but starts drumming. It's rather good] Okay, nice. Very nice. All right, Token, give me a smooth bass line.
Token: I don't know how to play bass. [Butters stops]
Cartman: [Sighs, has his left fist on his forehead, eyes shut] Token, how many times do we have to go through this? You're black. You can play bass.
Token: I'm gettin' sick of your stereotypes!
Cartman: Be as sick as you want, just give me a God-damned bass line! [Token begins to play a bass line, then is surprised that he can actually do it, then realizes that Cartman is right]
Token: God-damnit! [Butters joins in and their sounds flow together]
Cartman: All right. Nice, fellas. Nice. [begins to sing] I need you in my life, Jesus. I can't live without you, Jesus And I just want to feel you deep inside me, Jesus.
Butters: Well done!
Scene Description: United States Federal Bureau of Investigation, day. Inside, a detective reviews some reports on the boys' Internet activity. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny wait on the other side of the table.
Kyle: [some seconds later] Um, sir-
Yates: Shut up!! [the boys jump in their seats, then look down, chagrined] You downloaded a lot of songs! Says here you even downloaded Judas Priest? That's hard time you boys are lookin' at. You got anything to say for yourselves?
Kyle: [rubs the table a bit] We d-didn't think it was that big a deal.
Yates: [pissed off] Not a big deal! You think downloading music for free is not a big deal?! Put your coats on! I'm gonna show you something! And I don't think you're gonna like it!
Scene Description: A mansion, unknown location, day. The agent has taken the boys for a ride and arrived here. He leads them to the main gate.
Yates: This is the home of Lars Ulrich, the drummer for Metallica. [they approach a bush] Look. There's Lars now, sitting by his pool. [he's seen sitting on the edge of a chaise longue, his face in his hands, softly sobbing]
Kyle: What's the matter with him?
Yates: This month he was hoping to have a gold-plated shark tank bar installed right next to the pool, but thanks to people downloading his music for free, he must now wait a few months before he can afford it.
Yates: [a close-up of Lars sobbing] Come. There's more. [leads them away. Next seen is a small airport at night] Here's Britney Spears' private jet. Notice anything? [a shot of Britney boarding a plane, then stopping to look at it before entering] Britney used to have a Gulfstream IV. Now she's had to sell it and get a Gulfstream III because people like you chose to download her music for free. [Britney gives a heavy sigh and goes inside.] The Gulfstream III doesn't even have a remote control for its surround-sound DVD system. Still think downloading music for free is no big deal?
Kyle: We... didn't realize what we were doing, eh...
Yates: That is the folly of man. Now look in this window. [they are at another mansion, and they look inside a picture window] Here you see the loving family of Master P. [He's shown tossing a basketball to his wife while his kid tries to catch it] Next week is his son's birthday and, all he's ever wanted was an island in French Polynesia. [his mom lowers the ball and gives it to the boy, who smiles, picks it up and drops it. It rolls away and he goes after it]
Kyle: So, he's gonna get it, right?
Yates: I see an island without an owner. If things keep going the way they are, the child will not get his tropical paradise.
Stan: [apologetically] We're sorry! We'll, we'll never download music for free again!
Yates: [somberly, dramatically] Man must learn to think of these horrible outcomes before he acts selfishly or else... I fear... recording artists will be forever doomed to a life of only semi-luxury.
Scene Description: Some bluffs by a beach, dawn. Cartman, Token and Butters scramble over some boulders to get to the beach. Seagulls fly overhead.
Cartman: Almost there, you guys.
Butters: Ow...
Token: Why the hell did you tell us to dress nice to take us out here?
Cartman: Because, Token, we have to take pictures for our album cover. [sets up his camera on a tripod] The key to a hot-selling Christian album is a flashy inspirational album cover.
Butters: Wow, neato! An album cover! [walks out onto the sand]
Token: [follows Butters onto the sand] This Christian album better make as much money as you said it would, tubby!
Cartman: [when Token seems out of earshot] I'm going to kill you one day, Token.
Token: [spins around] What did you say?! [Cartman is startled]
Cartman: Nothing. All right, guys, stand over there and look wholesome and cool. I have a timer on this thing so I can get in the shot too. [begins to focus the shot. Butters and Token stand together]
Butters: Cheese!
Cartman: No no! Haven't you guys ever seen an album cover? You're supposed to be standing in random places, looking away like you don't care! [Butters and Cartman move apart. Token moves off to a boulder a little farther away, Butters moves a bit closer to the camera]
Butters: Cheese!
Cartman: No! Butters, you can't look happy on the album cover! That's not cool!
Butters: Oh...
Cartman: Token, look away to the right. [Token looks off to the right] More. [Token turns his head to the right] More!
Token: [turns all his body to the right] Why the hell would I be looking way over there??
Cartman: So it looks like you're too cool to care that you're on an album cover, you black asshole! Now just hold it! [starts the timer, then steps into the shot] Our first album cover.
Scene Description: He raises his hands and head in praise and closes his eyes. The first shot is taken. More album covers. First, the three boys looking down at the camera as if in a football huddle. Next, a shot of the three of them standing in line, frowning. Next, a shot of Cartman making more changes to sheet music, Cartman in his room/home studio making changes with a reel-to-reel player beside him, Cartman on a bus writing new lyrics onto his left palm: "Jesus is awesome. I love him so much. Jesus is great." Cartman playing his changes on the reel-to-reel player to his band-mates. At Butters' house Butters presents Cartman with a fresh print of their first album wrapped in cellophane. Token uses a hair dryer on the CD to shrink-wrap the cellophane in place, and the camera zooms in. While the scenes roll by, Cartman sings.
Cartman: Don't ever leave me, Jesus. I couldn't stand to see you go. My heart would simply snap, my Lord, if you walked on out that door. I promise I'll be good to you, and keep you warm at night. Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, why don't we just... shut off the lights.
Scene Description: The FBI building, next day. The parents have shown up to retrieve the boys.
Gerald: Thanks for releasing them to us, detective. Sorry for all the trouble they caused.
Yates: It's all right. I think these boys learned their lesson.
Stan: Boy, I'll say!
Yates: If you parents will just step over here, you can pay their four hundred dollar release and penalty fees.
Randy: Four hundred dollars? Just for downloading some songs off the Internet? It's not that big a deal.
Yates: Not a big deal, huh?! Come with me! I'm gonna show you something! And I don't think you're gonna like it! [leads the parents away]
Stan: [walks off in the opposite direction] Wugh, dude. I can't wait to just go back home and get back to band practice.
Kenny: (Yeah)
Kyle: No! Didn't you guys learn anything? Look, if we make an album, all that's gonna happen is that people are gonna steal our songs for free off the Internet. We won't make a dime!
Stan: Oh yeah.
Kyle: Until we get people to stop downloading music for free, I say we refuse to play!
Kenny: (Yeah!)
Scene Description: Kyle's house, day. A reporter stands in front of it waiting to make his report. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny sit on the steps with a sign beside them: "Musicians on Strike".
Field Reporter: Tom, I'm standing in South Park, Colorado, where the rock band, MOOP, has refused to play. The strike started yesterday and could go well into next week.
Cartman: [walks up] Oh hey guys. How's it going?
Kyle: We're not letting you back in the band, Cartman! Fuck off!
Cartman: [brushes off Kyle's comment] I don't wanna be in your crappy band, guys. I just wanted to let you know, the album for my Christian rock band, [brings out the CD] Faith + 1, is about to go platinum.
Stan: It is?? [Kyle's jaw drops]
Cartman: That's right. We already sold thirteen copies. You wanna pay me that ten-dollar bet, Kyle? Nyanyanyanya nya nya! [tugs at one of the lobes on Kyle's hat] Hahahaha ha ha!
Kyle: You get a platinum album for selling one million copies, you fat turd!
Cartman: It's just a matter of time, my friends. This weekend is Christfest. The single largest gathering of Christians in the Midwest. Each one of them a walking, praying wallet full of cash. And I'll be there selling my album.
Kyle: You'll never get a platinum album doing Christian rock, Cartman! It was a stupid idea then, and it's a stupid idea now!
Stan: Yeah, you don't even know anything about Christianity.
Cartman: I know enough to exploit it. Just get that ten bucks ready, Kyle. Ta-ta! [walks off]
Kyle: Go ahead! People will just download your songs for free on the Internet anyways!
Stan: What a dumbass. Our band is way cooler than his.
Kenny: (Yeah.)
Scene Description: Christ-fest, night. A stadium's parking lot is crowded with all sorts of booths selling stuff.
T-Shirt vendor: Psalm T-Shirts! Get a T-Shirt with your favorite psalm!
Bible vendor: Leather-bound bibles. Show your faith.
Cartman: Yes, it's really the best Christian album that's ever been produced, actually..
Elderly woman: Oh, this will be great for my grandchildren. They need hip cool music, but with inspirational lyrics.
Cartman: [takes the woman's body and puts it in the treasurer's box] I think that's what the whole world needs, praise Christ.
Butters: Huh we're not really Christians, we're just pretendin' we are. [Cartman flashes an angry look at Butters. The woman looks deceived, but she takes the album with her anyway]
Cartman: Butters, remind me later to cut your balls off.
MC: [the boys look up] All right, everyone! Welcome to Christfest 2003! [the boys leave their booth and enter the stadium] are you ready for some live music? [the crown inside begins to move]
A Man: Yeah Jesus!
MC: Then let's give it up now for one of Christian rock's biggest bands! Trinity! [the lights come up on them]
Trinity: The Shepherd and the Light, and His Word lifted me up And I praise His Holy Name wherever I go.
Cartman: [listening backstage, moves away a big] Dammit! If we're gonna sell our hot Christian album, we have got to get on that stage! [a group of men walk by]
Sanctified member 1: Hey is this the way to the backstage?
Cartman: Who are you?
Sanctified member 1: We're the band Sanctified. We play metal and punk, but with lyrics that inspire faith in Christ.
Sanctified member 2: Yeah. We proved that Christian music can be tough and hard core.
Cartman: Yeah, you guys are real hardcore.
Sanctified member 1: You bet your gosh-darned rear end we are!
Stage Hand: [stepping in] All right, uhh, Sanctified, you guys are up next.
Sanctified member 3: Yeah! Let's do it!
Sanctified member 2: Sent down from Heaven! The Spirit and the Glory!
Cartman: Eh hey guys, wait, uh, ..we wannaaa play with you before you go onstage.
Sanctified member 2: Well, that, that's cool.
Sanctified member 1: Always good to be praying before you're playin'.
Cartman: [edges over to a storage room with an open door] Let's just go over here so we can hear ourselves better. [enters. The members of Sanctified follow him in] Lord, Father in Heaven, we thank you for all your blessings and we... [quickly runs out and locks the band in, then props a chair up against the doorknob so the band can't get out]
Butters: Hey, Eric, I don't think they can get out. [a shot of the stadium's exterior, then of the stands and stage]
MC: All right, Christians, how are you feeling tonight? [the crowd cheers]
Fans: Praise Jesus! Praise him! My Lord!
MC: Let's keep this salvation train going with the hot band, Sanctified!
Stage Hand: [walks up and whispers] That's Faith + 1.
MC: Uh. Uh apparently there's been a change. Give it up for ... Faith + 1! [steps away as the house lights converge on the group. They begin to play]
Cartman: You know, Jesus? I've been thinking a lot about you lately and, well, that's why I wrote this song. I love you, Jesus. I want you to walk with me [the fans sway back and forth] I'll take good care of you baby. Call you my baby, baby! You died for my sins, and you know that I would die for you, right? What's the matter, baby? You tremble at Jesus, baby! Your love... is my life! You know when I'm without you, there's a black hole in my life! Oo-ohhh! I wanna believe. It's all right, 'cause I get lonely in the night and it's up to you to Save me! Jee...sus...bay-by!
Scene Description: Kyle's house, day. The MOOP boys are still sitting on the steps, sulking, striking.
Stan: [sighs] Dude, I didn't know being in a band was gonna be this tough.
Kyle: Yeah, it's tough. But it's times like these that... you see what your band is made of. We've gotta fight through the rough times like Journey!
Field reporter: [the News 4 crew is still there, too] Tom, we're now entering the second day of the rock band MOOP's refusal to play, and the second day of absolutely no other news to report on. In a recent poll we asked people if MOOP's refusal to play would stop them from downloading music off the Internet. One percent said yes. Two percent said no. And ninety-seven percent said, "Who the hell is MOOP?!" Back to you, Tom.
Lars Ulrich: [the guys from Metallica approach] Hey, are you the guys protesting free Internet music downloading?
Stan: [awed] Hey, it's that Lars Ulrich guy!
Lars Ulrich: That's right. Metallica is behind you dudes a thousand percent!
James Hetfield: We're gonna sit here and protest with you until free downloadin' stop, hyeah!
Field reporter: Tom, it appears now the musicians' strike is growing! As I'm speaking, more musicians are arriving! It looks like Alanis Morissette, Blink 182, Britney Spears, and dozens of others are going to join MOOP in not playing music. This is a veritable Strikapalooza!
Scene Description: Faith Records. Doves fly across the view. The building is bathed in bright sunlight.
CEO: Guys, we here at Faith Records were very moved by your performance at Christfest. You're one of the most talented Christian rock bands we've ever heard!
Cartman: Thank you so much. Christ has really blessed us with talent.
Butters: [tickled by Cartman's line] Heeheeheeyeah.
Executive 1: [looking at some papers, starts off hesitantly] We just have one question, though. We were looking over some of your lyrics, uh... "I want to walk hand-in-hand with Jesus on a private beach for two./I want him to nibble on my ear and say 'I'm here for you.'" It...it seems you really love Christ.
Cartman: Yes, we sure do.
Executive 1: Eh no but it appears you are actually... in love with Christ. [the boys look at each other confused]
Cartman: [turns the tables] Well what are you saying? That, that you don't really love Christ??
Executive 1: [on the defensive] Well uh of course I do. I mean I just-
Cartman: Well what's the difference?! You love Christ, you're in love with Christ, I mean, uh, what the heck is this??
Executive 1: Uh, we'd just like to make sure the bands we sign are in it for God, and not for the money.
Cartman: I resent that, sir! I have never in my life done anything just for the money! If I'm lying may the Lord strike me down right now.
Butters: [slowly moves away] Uhm, oh. [leaves his chair]
Executive 1: That's- all we needed to know. Just, sign here and we'll get your album sold.
Scene Description: Commercial. A partly-cloudy sky is shown.
Announcer: K-tal Records [its logo descends from the sky and drops below the screen] presents the most inspirational Christian rock band in the world! Faith + 1, [The CD cover appears] featuring the very best in good, wholesome Christian music.
Cartman: Oh Lord you are my Savior! You know I miss you so much when you are gone.
Announcer: [speaking over Cartman] With great inspirational songs like "I Wasn't Born Again Yesterday,"
Cartman: Yes I may be born again, but I was wasn't born again yesterday.
Cartman: I wanna get down on my knees and start pleasing Jesus! I wanna feel his salvation all over my face!
Announcer: [a shot of a home library, with fireplace and the CD propped on an end table] The CD is filled with instant classics. Who doesn't remember... [the titles scroll by: "The Body of Christ," "Christ Again," "A Night With the Lord," "Touch Me Jesus," "I Found Jesus (With Someone Else)," "Savior Self," "Christ, What a Day," "Three Times My Savior," "Jesus Touched Me"]
Cartman: The Body of Christ! Sleek swimmer's body, all muscled up and toned! The Body of Christ! O, Lord Almighty, I wish I could call it my own! You're one time, two times, three times my Savior... Whenever I see Jesus up on that Cross I can't help but think that he looks kinda hot...
Announcer: ["Quantities Limited!!!" cycles on the screen] This album is not available in stores and limited quantities are available, so order now!
Scene Description: Kyle's house, day. Various musical acts, some of them from Chef Aid, have gathered to strike against free music downloads with MOOP, including the Lord of the Underworld!
Stan: I can't take this much longer. Maybe we're just, not cut out to be in a band.
Kyle: You guys, we can't give up on our dreams now! As soon as this strike ends, we're gonna be the biggest band ever!
Lars: Yeah, if we all give in now, people might never stop downloading our music for free!
Kyle: I'm sure we're gonna get word any minute that people have agreed to stop. [a vehicle is heard pulling up. It's a U.S. Mail van. The driver steps out and approaches the crowd]
Driver: Certified letter for the rock band MOOP?
Kyle: [steps down to get the letter] That's us! [the driver hands him the letter and leaves. Kyle opens the envelope and reads] "Dear MOOP. This letter is to inform you that Faith Plus One's debut album has just sold one million copies."
Stan: What??
Kyle: "We cordially invite you to attend the platinum album award ceremony, which will be held tomorrow morning at ten. Details and proof of sales enclosed. P.S. Nananana na na. Hahahaha ha ha." [stands silently for a moment, then hands the letter to Stan and walks forth a bit] He did it. Cartman got a platinum album.
Stan: Is this for real?? This is for real!
Kyle: He beat us. Because all this time we've been so caught up with how to protect our music that we forgot to just play.
Lars: But why play if we're not gonna make millions of dollars?
Kyle: [turns around and addresses the crowd] Because that's what real artists do. People are always gonna find a way to copy our music and swap it for free. If we're real musicians, then we should just play and be stoked that so many people are listening.
Stan: [joins Kyle and faces the crowd] Besides, maybe our songs would have gotten downloaded for free, but if they were good songs then people still would have bought tickets to see our band in concert. [shots of Rick James, Ozzy, Britney and two other acts.]
Kyle: From now on, MOOP isn't about money. MOOP is about music! We're not striking anymore! Who's with us?! [grins, but gets no response]
Britney: ...We're just about the money.
Other acts: Yeah, yeah.
Kyle: [casts his eyes down] Oh.
Stan: So... Dude, what are you gonna do about your bet with Cartman? Are you- gonna pay 'im?
Kyle: I don't have a choice, dude. I'm gonna swallow my pride, face Cartman, and say "Congratulations. You were right." And I'm gonna give him the ten dollars. And hopefully, he won't make a big deal out of it.
Scene Description: Platinum album award ceremony, South Park, next day. Cartman has spent plenty of money to make this possible. He brings forth a parade complete with elephants, clowns, jugglers, a marching band, carnival rides, the works. Cartman stands on stage with Token and Butters before a curtain with a large image of his album cover printed on it.
Cartman: Welcome! Welcome everyone! Please enjoy! The presentation should begin shortly.
Token: Cartman, what the hell is all this?
Cartman: Our platinum album ceremony. I spared no expense.
Token: But you spent all the money we made!
Cartman: We're Faith Plus One, Token, there'll be plenty more money. Relax and enjoy, black asshole. [addresses the milling crowd] There's hors d'oeuvres and drinks by the Ferris wheel, everyone! [Stan, Kyle, and Kenny arrive and join Cartman onstage] Oh Kyle, guys, so nice to see you!
Kyle: Let's just get this over with, Cartman. You won the bet, here's ten dollars.
Cartman: [deferring] Oh nonononono, not yet, Kyle. Hold on. [grabs the mic and addresses the crowd] Everyone! Everyone, can I have your attention please? [the crowd cheers wildly]
A fan: We like to praise Christ!
Cartman: Yes, yes, thank you thank you. Praise Him. I think we're ready to start now. [Kyle is awfully pissed. A technician lowers a lever and stage lights bathe the boys]
Announcer: [a power chord is played, with angelic accompaniment added] Welcome to the presentation ceremony for Faith Plus One. [the crowd cheers] And now to present the award, here's Michael Collins. [he walks up with a plaque]
Kyle: This is the worst day of my life.
Cartman: Ahhh, this is the best day of my life. [basks in the moment]
Michael Collins: Boys, in recognition for over one million records sold, the Christian Recording Industry is pleased to present you with this Myrrh album. [presents the album plaque to Cartman. The crowd cheers]
Cartman: [takes the album] Thank you very uh- wah? Myrrh album?
Stan: I thought albums win either gold or platinum.
Michael Collins: Nono, in Christian rock, our albums go gold and frankincense and myrrh. Congratulations!
Kyle: Ha! Our bet was that you would get a platinum album, not a myrrh album! I don't owe you anything, fat boy!
Cartman: You mean to tell me I can never get a platinum album with a Christian rock band?!
Michael Collins: No, but you can go double myrrh. [Kyle walks off and Cartman gets pissed]
Cartman: GOD DAMMIT!! [throws his plaque onto the ground, where it shatters. The myrrh album falls away and the crowd is stunned]
Michael Collins: [tries to calm Cartman down] Oh, please don't take the Lord's Name in vain.
Cartman: Who cares?! I can never win my bet because you stupid assholes don't give out platinum albums!
Michael Collins: But you spread the Word of the Lord. You've brought faith in Jesus.
Cartman: OH, FUCK JESUS!! [deep gasp from the crowd. A woman screams loudly in disbelief]
Butters: Eric, I-I'm pretty sure you shouldn't say the F-word about-uh Jesus.
Token: Yeah. You're gonna hurt the band.
Cartman: [pounces onto him] Who fuckin' cares, Token?! I can never beat Kyle now! I'll say it again! Fuck Jesus! [The crowd screams in disbelief and scatters about]
A Man: My ears are bleeding!
Token: Good job, dickhead! You lost the entire audience!
Cartman: Ah, fuck you, Token! You black asshole!
Scene Description: Token has had enough of that. He smacks Cartman with a left fist, a right fist, and a kick to the head. Cartman is laid out on his back and Token walks away. Cartman rises, but ends up on all fours coughing. A shot of Stan, Kyle, and Kenny. They turn to leave.
Stan: Hm. Guess he got what he deserved.
Scene Description: They walk away, leaving Butters. Cartman is still coughing and Butters is unsure what to do. He rubs his fists past each other tentatively. Then he farts on Cartman's head and flips him off.
Butters: Fuck you, Eric. [He walks away.]