Scene Description: A new comic book. The speech bubbles give the hero away: this comic book is about Mintberry Crunch. On the page, two villains run from the flying half-man half-berry
Mintberry Crunch: Sit back, justice believers, and listen to another edition of America's favorite superhero, Mintberry Crunch! [The camera pulls out to reveal the whole page, which is a cover of "the AMAZING MINTBERRY CRUNCH"] Our story begins in a remote corner of the Gulf of Mexico. [a graphic of the BP oil rig is shown] The BP Oil Company drills into the ocean floor, [a graphic of a fire destroying the rig] but they drill too much, and the BP Oil Company accidentally unleashes Cthulhu, an ancient evil god from another dimension. Halfway across the country, [Coon & Friends in their normal outfit are shown, with Bradley as the leader instead of Stan] a mild-mannered attractive fourth-grader, Bradley Biggle, hears of the disaster on the news while with his friends. [the page flips over and Bradley is shown transforming] But Bradley Biggle is no ordinary fourth-grader! Not long ago, he realized he had superpowers he could call upon by turning in place and saying the magic word, "Shablagoo!" And in a flash, Bradley is transformed into the thrilling superhero, Mintberry Crunch! Joined by the other Coon Friends, Mintberry Crunch went to investigate the Gulf spill crisis! The superheroes came across a cult, in existence for years, that had been waiting for Cthulhu's arrival. They are the key to stopping Cthulhu from taking over the world! Sometimes, when everything seems hopeless, that's when you need to bring it all. [Mintberry Crunch stands at the corner of a roof in a heroic pose] That's when you need... to bring the Crr-runch!
Scene Description: Coon and Friends Secret Base. The Friends are there listening to Mintberry Crunch
Toolshed: [after a few seconds of silence] Dude, I'm sorry, but we still aren't getting it. You're half man and half berry?
Mintberry Crunch: Rrright!
Human Kite: But then what exactly is your superpower?
Mintberry Crunch: The power of mint and berries yet with a satisfying tasty crunch!
Toolshed: ...Nah, see, that's the problem dude, that's not really a superpower. Like, I have mental command over all power tools, Human Kite can fly-
Human Kite: nd shoot lasers out of my eyes.
Toolshed: And shoot lasers out of his eyes. And Mysterion can... [pauses and looks over at Mysterion.] Wait, what's your superpower Mysterion?
Mysterion: [with his back to the group] I can't die!
Toolshed: ...Oh yeah, good one. Mysterion can't die, and Iron Maiden is indestructible-
Mysterion: No, Stan, I'm being serious! I really, really can't die!
Toolshed: ...Woo-hat?
Mysterion: [turns to face them] Like last night, in the alley, the cult leader stabbed me and I bled all over the place! And you screamed "Oh my God," and you called him a bastard!
Human Kite: [arms down and out, palms out] When was that?
Mysterion: All the time! I die all the time! And you assholes NEVER REMEMBER!
Toolshed: ...Ah I think we would remember you dying, dude.
Mysterion: Well you don't! I die over. And over! Only to wake up in my bed like nothing happened!
Toolshed: [notices Mintberry Crunch] Dude, you're freaking out Mintberry Crunch. He's peed his pants. [Mintberry Crunch notices that he has indeed peed his pants and covers his groin quickly]
Mintberry Crunch: Nono. Mintberry Crunch doesn't ever pee his pants!
Mysterion: [turns away] I knew there'd be no point in telling you guys.
Human Kite: [approaches him] Alright. dude, let, let's just say you're not crazy and it's true. What's the big deal? I mean, I think it'd be pretty cool not to be able to die.
Mysterion: [confronts him] Pretty cool?! Do you know what it feels like to be stabbed?! To be shot?! Decapitated?! Torn apart?! Burned?! Run over?!
Toolshed: Kenny Kenny, calm down.
Mysterion: It's not pretty cool, Kyle! It fuckin' hurts! And it won't go away, and nobody will believe me! [walks away, then turns around] Remember this time! Try and fuckin' remember! [pulls out a gun and shoots himself in the head]
Toolshed: Oh my God! Holy shit, dude!
Human Kite: Dude!
Mintberry Crunch: Is he? Oh Jesus! [flees up the stairs and out of the basement]
Toolshed: [draws closer] Kenny? No! No!
Scene Description: The Coon comic book. On the cover, Cartman carries an American flag while Cthulhu stands behind him wearing a Coon and Friends shirt. The story unfolds with a few embellishments in the design of the secret base
Coon: Gather around, believers in good, and listen to the newest installment of The Coon. It all began when the BP Oil Company drilled into the ocean floor and ripped open a hole into another dimension. Seeing the disaster on Coon-Vision, the Coon immediately called together his trusty Coon Friends. As the Coon explained how the disaster could be stopped, something terrible happened. Without warning, the Coon friends changed. Their superpowers morphed somehow, turning them into... supervillains. [the friends are depicted with evil grins] The Coon tried to reason with them, tried to bring them back to the side of good, ["Heroes must be good. Go with Christ!"] but it was too late. [Human Kite: "GET OUT!!!" Mysterion: "WE ARE EVIL NOW!"] Their black hearts had been tainted by hate and rage. The Coon was alone, turn by the ultimate dilemma. [Coon is shown sitting on Lincoln's shoulder at the Lincoln Memorial] He had to put a stop to the evil villains, even though they had once been his friends. Sometimes, to fight the ultimate evil, you must make friends with enemies. [Coon is showing looking at Cthulhu] The Coon teamed up with Cthulhu, because even Cthulhu knows what evil assholes Kyle and Stan and those guys are! And that they are manipulative, uncaring, vagina faces! They're all planning to destroy the world. Only one thing can stop them: the Coon. With Cthulhu's help, I can try to banish them to a dark oblivion, for all eternity. [the Friends are shown surrounding a glowing globe of Earth with evil grins on their faces] I will not rest until that happens.
Scene Description: South Park, Cartman's street, day. Cartman is walking home and approaches the front door
Coon: Bab-ay, I know you're askin' me to stay Say "Please please please don't go away." You say I'm givin' you the blues. [enters the house] Mayb-ay, you mean every word you say Can't help but think-
Liane: [confronts him with her arms crossed over her chest] Eric Cartman!
Coon: Hi Mom.
Liane: Where have you been, young man?!
Coon: Just doin' stuff Mom. Are my friends downstairs in the secret base?
Liane: Yes they are, but you were supposed to be grounded in your room! And now you're more grounded, young man!
Coon: [turns around and thinks hard, to himself] The Coon's mother appears to be extremely upset. In order to get past her, I must use the LeBron James technique.
Liane: Eric, are you listening to me?!
Coon: [faces Liane] Mom... what should I do?
Liane: [disarmed] What?
Coon: What should I do? Should I admit I made mistakes? Should I say I've done this before? Should I write a song about how I should have stayed in my room? What should I do?
Liane: What do you mean "what should-"
Coon: Should I say I am not a role model? Should I not listen to my conscience? It's my conscience, Mom! What should I do? Go back to my room and pretend nothing happened? Not jump out the window and fly to New Orleans? What should I do, Ma? Tell me!
Liane: [overwhelmed] I just, I- I'm gonna go make you kids some lemonade. [runs off to the kitchen]
Scene Description: Coon and Friends Secret Base. The Friends are at the table
Human Kite: Alright Coon and Friends, what good deed should we do next?
Mosquito: Perhaps we should make more lemon bars to raise money for people in need.
TupperWear: Okay!
Mysterion: You guys have no memory of me shooting myself in the head, do you?
Toolshed: Uh-what?
Mysterion: What we need to do is talk to people in that cult! I wanna know where my powers come from.
Human Kite: Yeah cool let's talk about where our powers come from.
Mosquito: I was bitten by a radioactive mosquito! Bzzzzzzt.
TupperWear: I was in a car accident, then put back together with Tupperware parts.
Iron Maiden: Tih-Timmieh!
Mysterion: iill you guys listen to me?! I actually have a power that I actually want to know about!
Coon: [appearing on the basement stairs] Hey guys. [the Friends look at him] So, what's goin' on?
Toolshed: Go away Cartman. We kicked you out of Coon and Friends, remember?
Coon: No, I, I know. That's cool, I understand. Even though I started it and the secret base is in my house. Yes, that's totally understandable.
Human Kite: You just wanted to frame and blackmail people, then you beat up Clyde and Bradley for no reason!
Coon: No you're right. For no reason. Clearly something is wrong with me. But you guys, what should I do?
Human Kite: You should fuck off, that's what you should do.
Coon: [sees the LeBron James technique isn't working] Hm. Ah, all right, look. You guys were totally right, okay? That's all I wanted to say. That and... there's a double rainbow outside.
Mintberry Crunch: A what?
Coon: Double rainbow, you guys. You don't see 'em often, but there's one outside right now. You've gotta come see! [rushes up the stairs and out of the secret base]
Mintberry Crunch: A double rainbow? Shablagoo! [the heroes all leave their seats]
Human Kite: Wait, Mintberry Crunch ya you might not wanna go- [goes up the stairs with the others]
Professor Chaos: Huhey, can I see the double rainbow, fellas? [softly] Uh, fellas?
Scene Description: Cartman's house, front lawn, day. Coon leads the friends out
Coon: Isn't it beautiful you guys?
Human Kite: There's no double rainbow, fatass!
Coon: You are correct, Human Kike! Not that supervillains like you guys could ever see a double rainbow!
Mosquito: What are you talking about?
Coon: Your evil-doing days are over, Mosquito! All of you shall now be dealt the swift hand of justice!
Human Kite: Cartman, you are the bad guy, not us!
Coon: Nuh uh, you guys are the bad guy. [whistles. A gust of wind blows leaves at the boys, and heavy footsteps follow. Cthulhu soon stands before the Friends, who look at him in awe]
Mintberry Crunch: Waaaaaaaaaah! [runs off]
Mysterion: What are you doing with that thing?!
Coon: He's going to help me get rid of you guys so together we can make the world a better place!
Human Kite: Cartman, if you team up with the most evil thing in the universe, then clearly you are the bad guy!
Coon: No, because it's for the greater good, like when Superman teamed up with Lex Luthor!
Human Kite: Superman never teamed up with Lex Luthor!
Coon: [thinks it over, then crosses his arms] Well, that's why Superman isn't around anymore, isn't it? Cthulhu! Banish them to a dark oblivion, please! [Cthulhu opens his right paw and sweeps it from left to right in the air. The boys scream and become deformed, then disappear] Aww! Dude, that was awesome! You're all like "Mehhhh" and they were all like "Nooo!"
Scene Description: Night. Coon and Cthulhu sit in a valley somewhere with a large city in the distance.
Coon: All right, now, we've taken out most of the synagogues, destroyed San Francisco, sent my friends into a dark oblivion, and so our next order of business will be Burning Man. [Cthulhu roars softly] Burning Man is the biggest hippie festival in the world, and tomorrow, we're gonna wipe them all out. Pretty soon, the whole world will be transformed thanks to the Coon! [Cthulhu roars softly] Yes yes, the Coon and Friend. Now after Burning Man we'll take down Whole Foods alright? [Cthulhu repositions himself to confront Coon and roars loudly. Coon thinks] The dark lord is agitated and the LeBron James technique might not work. The Coon will have to use an even more manipulative technique. Time to bust out: Cute Kitten. [aloud] Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow. [climbs up onto Cthulhu.] Meow meow meow. [digs his blades into Cthulhu's back and massages him while at the same time making a comfortable place to nap in. Cthulhu's face softens and he giggles, then looks back at Cartman sleeping on his back. Cthulhu blinks several times, then walks forward softly]
Scene Description: a strange place altogether
Toolshed: Dude, where the fuck are we?
Mysterion: I don't know, but... I feel like... I've... been here before. [huge butterfly-like creatures pop up from behind some plants]
Scene Description: a new installment of the Amazing Mintberry Crunch. He remembers things a bit differently...
Mintberry Crunch: And so, the Coon had returned with the dark lord Cthulhu! Upon seeing Cthulhu in person, Mintberry Crunch heroically dashed off, to, to save the day! With Minty coolness he hurried back home! And heroically watched Judge Judy, knowing that his superhero friends were probably just fine without him!
Scene Description: the strange place. The Friends run and scream until they reach a cliff
Toolshed: Oh shit!
Human Kite: [panting] We aren't going that way!
Mosquito: You guys, I wanna go home.
Toolshed: We all wanna go home, Clyde. I don't think we're gonna last very long out here.
Mosquito: Look, maybe we should just a place to hid and wait for help.
Human Kite: What help, dude? Nobody in the real world even knows we're here.
Mysterion: Alright, you guys hide as long as you can. I'll try and find help. [moves away from the cliff]
Toolshed: How, dude?
Human Kite: Kenny, where the hell are you going?
Mysterion: I'm going to try to get you all out of here. If this works. Or, I could be wrong. [runs towards the cliff]
Mosquito: Kenny! [Kenny jumps off the cliff and impales himself on some big spiky plants ]
Mysterion: Ow! That fucking HURTS! [moans a few times and dies.]
Toolshed: Oh my God! Kenny!
Human Kite: You... you crazy bastard! [the boys turn away from the edge, seemingly forgetting their dead friend below]
Scene Description: Kenny's room, night. Kenny is back in his bed and wakes up. He sits up and checks himself out. Satisfied that he's alright, he jumps off the bed and goes to his closet, opens it and pulls a curtain off a hidden chest of drawers. He opens the top drawer and pulls out a Mysterion costume.
Scene Description: The living room. As his parents watch TV, Kenny runs past them and out the front door.
Scene Description: Burning Man Festival, Black Rock City, day. Dance music pumps along
Man 1: [on a fish-cycle] It's burning Man!
Man 2: [dressed as an angel] Biggest party in the world, baby! [more shots of the festival are shown. It's a carnival, but a roar changes all that. Cthulhu appears and throws an RV into the festival, and everyone scatters]
Coon: [on Cthulhu's back] Fucking hippies! Fuck all o'you! [Cthulhu raises his left paw and unleashes a lightning bolt upon a girl, incinerating her and leaving nothing but bones]
Reporter: The dark and evil Cthulhu is bringing his angry wrath down upon the Burning Man Festival, Tom. Cthulhu isn't behaving as most scientists had speculated, Tom, but the dark lord is wreaking havoc everywhere and-
Coon: [walks up and interrupts him] No nonono! Excuse me! It is not Cthulhu, it is Coon and Friend! I'm a little sick of everyone giving him all the credit when I'm the one really making the world a better place!
Reporter: Tom, it appears that Bruce Vilanch has arrived on the scene wearing a rat costume.
Coon: [greatly insulted by the reporter's comment] Oh, you motherfucker! [runs towards Cthulhu] Cthulhu, this guy too! [Cthulhu unleashes more lightning and the reporter is incinerated] Kewl. Oh get that fire-twirling hippie bitch.
Scene Description: Henrietta's bedroom, night. The Goth kids are sitting around on her red throw rug. Red Goth strikes a lighter and it lights up. He then blows out the flame. Kindergoth taps his cigarette onto an ash tray.
Michael: This freaking sucks! We worshiped and prayed to Cthulhu, went to all the cult meetings, but life is still totally freaking gay.
Pete: I thought that when Cthulhu rose from the dead all was gonna be darkness and pain. I thought at least school would be canceled.
Mysterion: How to I fight him? [the Goth kids look at the window and see him there]
Michael: Oh joy, it's Underwear Boy again.
Mysterion: That god you pray to just took away all my friends.
Pete: Not our god. He promised everything would change if we worshiped him, but we're still sitting here smoking cigarettes like before [hair flip] It's like Obama all over again.
Mysterion: How do I fight him?!
Pete: Cthulhu isn't alive or dead, alright?
Mysterion: Tell me what that means! [the bedroom door opens and Henrietta's mom appears]
Mrs. Biggle: Henrietta, your little brother wants to play with you.
Henrietta: Go away Mom, I hate you.
Mrs. Biggle: Just let your little brother play with your friends, sweetie. He's lonely. Go on in, Bradley. [Bradley appears and enters the room]
Bradley: Will you guys play with me?
Henrietta: Fuck off, dork! I don't want you here!
Bradley: Please, can I just- oh g'uh! [sees Mysterion in the window] Mu-Mysterion! Wuh what's goin'- Uh, that's okay, sis. I'll play with you another time. [leaves and closes the door]
Scene Description: the hallway. Bradley round the corner and walks to his room
Bradley: Mysterion is here! He must have come for my help. [enter his room] No time to waste. Time for Bradley Biggle to transform. [opens a drawer under his nightstand and sees his costume] Shablagoo! [turns in place]
Scene Description: Henrietta's bedroom. As Bradley transforms, Henrietta explains to Mysterion how to fight Cthulhu. She starts with the Necronomicon
Henrietta: Alright, look. The Necronomicon is an account of the Old Ones, their history, and the means for summoning them. [the first page shows a Prince Abdul Al-Kazred in 700 A.D. The next one has the prince genuflecting before an Old One.]
Mysterion: One Ones?
Michael: Dark deities that existed before man.
Henrietta: It was written by a mad prince who knew of the nightmare city of R'Lyeh, which fell from the stars and exists beneath the sea. And, in another dimension.
Mysterion: That's it! That's the place I just was!
Michael: You've been to the nightmare city of R'Lyeh?
Pete: Luckyyy...
Henrietta: Cthulhu and other beings are from this city, but for years cultists have tried to bring them into our world.
Mysterion: And what about Cthulhu's power? Why can't Old Ones die?
Henrietta: The only thing that can destroy an immortal... is another immortal. [Henrietta's door opens again and Mintberry Crunch barges into the room]
Mintberry Crunch: Ahaaa! Don't worry, Mysterion. Mintberry Crunch is here to help you with these black cultists!
Henrietta: Get out of my room, TWERP!
Mintberry Crunch: Mintberry Crunch isn't afraid of his fat sister! Grab her legs, Mysterion! [Mysterion is gone] M- Mysterion? [the Goth kids turn to look at the window.] Aw crap. [runs out of the room]
Scene Description: The street. Mysterion walks down the street briskly when Mintberry Crunch opens the front door and sees him
Mintberry Crunch: Hey Mysterion, wait up! [leaves the door open] Come on, wait uuup! [catches up to him] Us Coon Friends need to stick together remember? Where are you going?
Mysterion: Wherever Cthulhu is!
Mintberry Crunch: What? But he'll kill you.
Mysterion: Maybe, but with any luck I might find the reason for my powers.
Mintberry Crunch: Oh right. Maybe I can find the reason for my powers too.
Mysterion: You don't understand!
Mintberry Crunch: [turns away from Mysterion] How was it that mint and berry came together delivering full flavor in an intense crunch? [Mysterion leaves] We must find out answers Mysterion. [turns around, but doesn't immediately see him] Mu-Mysterion, I'm going with you.
Scene Description: The Coon comic book, four pages in
Coon: After the triumphant victory over the evil hippies of Burning Man, Coon and Friends turned their attention to the next villainous scourge, bravely taking out every Whole Foods left in the country! No more organic crap for America! Thanks to Coon and Friends the country would soon be rid of all evil, but first, they would come up against their most challenging and most evil opponent, Justin Bieber. In order to save the Earth, this little butthole had to be stopped.
Scene Description: Justin Bieber concert at Staples Center
Justin Bieber: [grabbing his crotch constantly, and singing badly off-key] Babih babih babih oooo! Babih babih babih oooo! Babig baibig woo woo, Bay-wooo [Cthulhu reaches down and grabs him off the stage] Wooooo-ooo-oo! [Cthulhu grumbles]
Coon: Yep, that's him. So long, Justin Bieber, you little douchebag! [Cthulhu crushes Bieber between his forefinger and thumb like a grape]
Reporter 2: The dark god Cthulhu continues his rampage of destruction and terror, and there seems to be no hope for man. I'm joined now by a supposed team member of Cthulhu, the Coon.
Coon: It isn't just Cthulhu, Mr. Reporter. He's merely a small piece of Coon and Friends, who will continue to fight for good and justice.
Reporter 2: Good and justice? J-Justin Bieber and most of his fans have just been massacred.
Coon: Yes, Coon and Friends are happy to help. We do not need thanks for our deeds. We do not want gifts, all we want is for people to buy our Coon and Friends T-Shirts for $14.95.
Mysterion: Hey, fat boy!
Coon: Kenny? What the hell? I sent you to the-
Mysterion: To the sunken city of R'Lyeh fallen from the stars! [approaches him] You little fucking prick! What is wrong with you?! What kind of sick fuck does that to his friends?!
Coon: It's not my fault you guys turned evil, Kenny!
Mysterion: You are the bad guy, fat boy! YOU!
Coon: I'm going around making the world a better place!
Mysterion: For you! You're making it a better place for you!
Coon: Right, that's what superheroes do.
Mysterion: No! This is what superheroes do! [walks up to Cthulhu] You banished me but I'm back! What does that make me?! [that gets Cthulhu's attention] Bring back my friends! Take me!
Mintberry Crunch: [gets through the police line] Mysterion, no! What are you doing?!
Mysterion: [to Mintberry Crunch] Only an immortal can kill another immortal! [to Cthulhu] Here's your prize! Take this curse away from me, you big pussy!
Coon: [stands next to Mysterion] Don't listen to him Cthulhu! We have more important stuff to do!
Mysterion: Go on! Kill me before I kill you! But bring my friends back, wuss!
Coon: Cthulhu, you are a Coon Friend, and I'm the Coon! You will listen to me! [Cthulhu picks Coon up and scolds him, then cradles him. Coon takes the hint and scrambles onto Cthulhu's back. Coon kneads Cthulhu's back again and Cthulhu is relieved. Coon is asleep on Cthulhu's back and Cthulhu turns and walks away]
Mysterion: No! Come back! I have to know what I am! Come back!
Coon: Fuck you, Kenny!
Mysterion: Come back, you fat piece of shit! [notices something in the sky. Others notice too. A bright object descends onto the parking lot and dims enough to reveal a giant oval shaped light that serves as a holograph. An image of a man appears inside and begins to talk. Mysterion is puzzled]
Alien Man: Hello my son. If you are seeing this message, then it must be dark times. And you must have many questions. Your true name is Gok'Zarah. The power given to you comes from a planet far away. You are from that planet, Gok'Zarah. It is for that reason you have a power that normal humans do not have. I know you must sometimes see this power as a curse, but you were sent here to stop evil from taking over the Earth and now, that time has apparently come. You must now harness and focus your power, Gok'Zarah. The power of mint and berries yet with a tasty, satisfying crunch.
Mintberry Crunch: ...Uh yes. Yes, please go on.
Alien Man: Your home planet, K'oh Kajan, is known throughout the universe for its berry mines. Berries that have the power to fuel nearly anything. Needless to say, when the mint hunters of Kogenrah got word of them, our fate was already sealed, Gok'Zarah. But our two worlds collided and soon, mint and berry were one.
Mintberry Crunch: Wow!
Alien Man: Your mother and I sent you as far away as we could. Use your power, son. Save Earth. Shablagoo! [the orb rises up and away]
Mintberry Crunch: I will, father. No more running away for... Mintberry Crunch! [jumps up in the air and floats up, then aims at Cthulhu and flies towards him] Hello, Cthulhu, I heard you haven't been "berry" nice! [unleashes a torrent of berries at him. Cthulhu shields himself, but doesn't go down.] Not enough, huh? Maybe the intense flavor of mint will freshen things up! [Cthulhu is soon enveloped in a tornado of mint leaves]
Scene Description: The Amazing Mintberry Crunch. The following is illustrated in the comic book
Mintberry Crunch: I reached the Gulf of Mexico in no time, and with all my strength, I dragged Cthulhu back to the depths from whence he came! My trusty hero companions were there, still alive. I returned them to their world encased in a protective berry bubble. Then it's back down to fill up the hole created by the BP Oil Company, returning home only momentarily to flip off my fat sister. ["Fuck you! I have powers you fat bitch!"]
Scene Description: Coon and Friends Secret Base, later. The Coon Friends are all there
Toolshed: Dude, thanks for getting us out of that dark oblivion, Mintberry Crunch.
Mintberry Crunch: Oh no, we worked as a team! All the Coon and Friends stopped the BP drilling spill crisis.
Human Kite: And finally the evil Coon is right where he belongs. [the Coon is in his own holding cell with Professor Chaos]
Coon: Come on you guys, this is fucking bullcrap! Let me out!
Human Kite: You're not going anywhere for a long time!
Coon: This is inhumane! There's a big bucket with Butters' poop in here, and there's nothing to eat!
Toolshed: Ya got poop, don't ya?
Mintberry Crunch: Well, I'm off. There are still many more questions left unanswered. I need to know what happened to my parents.
Human Kite: Well, come back and visit any time, dude.
Mintberry Crunch: I will. Shaaablagoo! [twirls in place and disappears in a streak of light, leaving behind berry cereal]
Coon: Fuckin' Mintberry fuckin' Crunch.
Toolshed: Wow, can you believe it Kenny? Bradley actually had superpowers. Isn't that cool?
Mysterion: Yeah. I'm tired, guys. I think I'm gonna go to bed. [takes a gun out and just shoots himself in the head. The other boys jump back in shock.]
Toolshed: Oh my God! Holy shit dude!
Human Kite: Kenny? No! Nooo!
Scene Description: Kenny's parents room, night. They're asleep, but something wakes Carol up. Stomach pains; labor pains. She sits up holding her belly
Stuart: What? Whaaat?!
Carol: It's happenin' again! [falls back on the bed and raises her legs in the air.]
Scene Description: Kenny's room, moments later. The parents enter. Stuart turns on the light. Carol holds baby Kenny in her arms while Stuart sets out a parka for Kenny to sleep in. Carol zips it up and the parents leave the room
Carol: [before closing the door] We should have never gone to that stupid cult meetin'. [Stuart turns off the light and Carol closes the door]


Scene Description: The Marsh house, living room, night. Randy and Sharon are watching TV on the sofa, under a blanket
Reporter: Passenger said the Carnival cruise line smelled like poop, but that that was an improvement.
Sharon: [yawns] All right, it's late. I'm gonna call it a night. [leaves the sofa and heads for their room] You coming?
Randy: Aw, you know, I can't really sleep. I'm just gonna stay up a bit and have some me time.
Sharon: [going up stairs, she stops and turns around] Randy, do not watch that no-no channel.
Randy: Ugh. I'm not staying up to do that Sharon, jeez!
Sharon: Alright, come to bed soon.
Randy: Psseh... huh... [glances at the stairs to see if Sharon is gone, then quickly begins changing channels. He stops at a channel where music is playing] Ohhh... Whoahohoohhh... Man, that is hot... [starts masturbating under the sheet] Oh yeah. Fuck.
Guy Fieri: [showing off some ribs] Mmm, just look at that rack of ribs; now those are slow-cooked, and then braised to bring out the smokey flavor.
Randy: Mmm, God damn. Yeah.
Guy Fieri: [hods up a rib to the camera] See how that just falls off the bone? [eats some more off it] Mmm, that is MONEY right there!
Randy: Yeah, it's fuckin' money.
Announcer: Next on Food Network it's Paula Deen ["Paula's Home Cooking"]
Paula Deen: Hey y'all. Tonight we're gonna be makin' some deep-fried chicken.
Randy: Aw yeah?
Paula Deen: Muh buttery whipped potatoes and we're gonna be finishin' off with a chocolate pecan pie.
Randy: Awwwgh. Oh fuck yeah. [still masturbating]
Scene Description: The Marsh kitchen, morning. Randy's been busy cooking breakfast. Stan, Shelly, and Sharon enter the kitchen
Stan: Dad, what are you doing?
Randy: Ah! You're just in time! Siddown, siddown! I've made you all breakfast again!
Stan: Aw crap. [they go to the breakfast table while Randy serves up their dishes]
Randy: Now, what I have for you is a nice goat-cheese and heirloom tomato frittata. And we're gonna top that with a little crème fraîche. [scoops some out to spread on Stan's plate, slooowly] Aw yeah... Awwww...
Sharon: [on to him] Randy, you've been watching that channel, haven't you?!
Randy: No!
Sharon: Yes, because every time you watch cooking shows you stay up all night trying to copy what they made.
Randy: Well, I'm sorry if there's something wrong with me helping out with the cooking! [grabs his coat and heads for the garage. He opens the door and takes a look back] I'd think you'd be grateful, Sharon! I gotta get to work. I cooked, so you guys clean up. [closes the door and leaves. The others look at him leave, then look at the dishes on the counter. That's a lot of bowls]
Stan: Can I have a Pop Tart?
Scene Description: The Marsh house, living room, afternoon. Stan and friends are on the sofa watching TV
Kyle: Oh this is sweet. I've seen this episode.
Terrance: Hello, and welcome to Progressive. [a Progressive spoof]
Phillip: [with his wife, Katherine] Yes, we're looking to buy car insurance.
Terrance: Well, you've come to the right place. [farts on Phillip's face]
Phillip: Oh dear! I knew we should have gone to Geico! [Kyle says this part with him] Come on, darling, let's get out of here and go there.
Randy: [quickly arrives, takes off his coat, and takes over. The boys get off the sofa] Daddy time. It's Daddy TV time. [On TV, a chef presents his latest creation]
Alton Brown: Now just look at this pork tenderloin. It is brined and ready for action.
Randy: Aw yeah, look at that.
Stan: Dad, you know Mom doesn't want you watching food channels.
Randy: I worked all day! I can watch what I want!
Alton Brown: We're gonna take a stick of butter and just smear that all over.
Randy: [almost breaks a sweat] Oh my God that's awesome! Oh... [looks at the boys, then takes the blanket hanging on the back of the sofa and puts it over his groin, keeping himself in check] Oh, oh. [starts masturbating] ...Yeah. Whoa.
Alton Brown: Now let's get that on the grill.
Randy: See what he's doing there, Stan? He brined that for an hour in the fridge, so now he can sear the shit out of it. Whoaoaoaoaoaoaoo.
Alton Brown: Look at the char we're getting. That, that is what we're going for.
Randy: Oh, isn't that hot, guys? Ohgh, yeah. Don't you wanna just... Don't you wanna just get in there and... [the boys notice the fierceness in his voice] Wwrrmmmm! Mmmh!
Announcer: We'll be right back to Good Eats.
Scene Description: Commercial
Woman 1: Hey ladies, are you looking for a better workout?
Randy: [the fierceness vanishes] Aww, stupid commercials.
Woman 1: Introducing the Shake Weight. A spring-loaded workout device you pump with your arms. Just grab the piston and go to work. One-handed or double-fisted.
Randy: [yawns] Come on!
Woman 1: You just shake it. Back and forth.
Woman 2: It feels really good in my hands.
Woman 1: Best of all, Shake Weight tells you when your workout is finished by chiming and releasing a cool-down spray. [the Shake Weight chimes and gives two squirts of the cool-down spray]
Randy: Bohh-riiing.
Woman 1: Order now and we'll include the optional heart rate monitor. Just put your finger in the tester. [a woman shows how it's done] and Shake Weight takes your pulse. [another woman finishes her exercises and gets two squirts] Get yours today.
Announcer: Now back to Good Eats.
Alton Brown: Just look at the glaze we've got going now on that thing.
Randy: [back to masturbating] Oh man, yeah, that is hot! Ooomm.
Alton Brown: Alright now, here's the really cool part. What we're gonna do is- [a short beep is heard and the screen goes blue. In white letters, this appears:] HODNOTA!
Parental Controls: /center></poem>
Randy: Channel blocked? [begins clicking channels] What the? The hell? [goes to the master bedroom and finds Sharon clicking away on another remote control] Sharon, what are you doing?
Sharon: Just using the parental controls to block some channels.
Randy: I wasn't watching food channels!
Sharon: Then how do you know I blocked them?
Randy: I- know 'cause I don't know that! That's what I'm saying! Gaw! [walks away thwarted and goes to his den. He picks up a cordless phone on the way. He leaves the lights off in there and walks to his desk, dialing a number. He sits down as his call is answered]
Hotline Man: Thanks for calling the Food Network Hotline. Billing is nine-ninety-five for each sixty-second period. To accept, say "crème fraîche."
Randy: Crème fraîche.
Amanda: Hi there, I'm Amanda. What are you up to?
Randy: Oh hi, I just uh... thought I'd give the hotline a try. What are you doing?
Amanda: I'm making a pan-roasted chicken.
Randy: [piqued] Pan-roasted? Like seared on the stove and put in the oven?
Amanda: Uh huh. I've just taken the chicken out of the pan. It's... so moist. I'm gonna let it rest now, about five minutes.
Randy: Yeah?
Amanda: Yeah. Ooo, there's lots of brown bits stuck to the bottom of the skillet.
Randy: You gonna deglaze that fuckin' pan?
Amanda: Oh I'm gonna deglaze it. You wanna help me?
Randy: If I was there I would. I'd take some... red wine... 'bout a quarter-cup, and then... a wooden spoon... and I'd deglaze the fuck out of that pan.
Amanda: I got a wooden spoon right here; it's... pretty hard. [upstairs Sharon picks up the phone to make a call, but she hears the conversation and stops to listen]
Randy: Yeah you'd... put some onion in while you're deglazing?
Amanda: I was thinking about shallots, actually.
Randy: Aw yeah. Shallots won't overwhelm the chicken's natural flavors. Fuck yeah.
Sharon: Randy! Marsh!
Randy: WAH! Sharon!
Hotline Man: Your time on Food Network Hotline has expired. To add more time say "crème fraîche."
Scene Description: The Broflovski kitchen. Sheila sits at the breakfast table as Sharon paces back and forth wiping some tears from her eyes
Sharon: I don't know what to do, Sheila. It's like he's a different person. Last night I walked in on him in the bathroom. He was sitting on the toilet flambéing a pork chop.
Sheila: Sharon, I'm so sorry.
Sharon: It just makes me feel unwanted, you know? I mean, am I not attractive anymore? I mean I don't exercise anymore at all.
Sheila: Well, if it'll make you feel better about yourself, then work out, Sharon.
Sharon: Like I have time to go to the gym every day.
Sheila: There are plenty of things you can buy to get a good workout at home. Have you heard of the Shake Weight?
Scene Description: Bed, Bath & Beyond, day. Sharon enters the store and hears oooh's and aaah's and sees some women trying out the Shake Weights. She walks up to the display table. A store associate walks up to her
Associate: Help you find anything? [the name tag says Michael]
Sharon: Oh, yes. I was interested in the Shake Weights?
Michael: Biggest seller the past four months. What models are you lookin' at?
Sharon: Oh I didn't realize there were different models.
Michael: Well you got your standard, your deluxe model, large sizes, but, if you're really lookin' for a workout you might wanna try the Big Gym. That woman over there is trying it out. [the woman is having some difficulty with the large Shake Weight]
Sharon: I... think I'll start with the smaller white ones.
Michael: Small white ones, yes ma'am. [picks up two different models] Standard or voice assist model?
Sharon: Well I don't know-
Michael: I would definitely recommend the voice assist. It has recorded voice commands to help motivate you in your workout.
Scene Description: The Marsh house, master bedroom. Sharon is working with the Shake Weight now, starting with the right arm.
Shake Weight: You are doing excellent. Great work. Now switch arms. [Sharon switches arms] Wow. Good job. [Sharon begins to gasp for air] You are amazing. You are very attractive and interesting.
Sharon: Thank you, Shake Weight.
Shake Weight: Come on now. Almost finished. [Sharon begins to shake the weight faster] Yes. Good. Almost done. [Sharon shakes the weight even faster and begins to grunt] Keep going. Keep going. Harder. Faster. [Sharon's giving it all she's got, and a bell sounds. She gets two squirts]
Sharon: Hahhh.
Shake Weight: Your workout is finished. [a different bell sounds and Sharon twists the Shake Weight around to get some change] Here is some cab fare.
Sharon: Oh wow.
Shake Weight: Now going to sleep mode. [powers down]
Scene Description: South Park Elementary cafeteria, day. The boys stand in line for lunch
Stan: You guys have no idea how much it sucks! My dad's obsessed! Every day it's Bobby Flay this, Gordon Ramsey that. This morning he was pretending to read Playboy, but he actually had a Bon Appetit magazine hidden inside it!
Cartman: [sarcastic] Well, hearing you bitch about your dad all the time is super-interesting, Stan. I hope you do it during the entire lunch period. [the line moves forward and the boys enter to see... Randy as the school chef]
Randy: Hello there, children!
Stan: Awww what?!
Randy: How's it goin'? [behind him is restaurant-quality cooking equipment]
Stan: No, dad! No!
Randy: The school was hiring and I got the job. Isn't that great?
Stan: Dad, you're a geologist! What about your real job?!
Randy: I quit. Now, what I have for your starters today is a potato-encrusted scallop with lobster foam. Now we're gonna top that with some crème fraîche.
Cartman: Lobster foam? [Stan shuts his eyes and buries his nose in his right hand] It says very clearly on the lunch schedule that today is pizza day!
Randy: Yes, and so this is my take on a pizza. It's an Asian slaw on flat bread, deconstructed and topped with a nice Parmesan aioli.
Stan: Dad, no! I'm gonna tell Mom. Go back to your other job right now!
Randy: Stan, there's nothing wrong with a man following his passion! [starts spreading the aioli over the pizza] Ooo yeah, fuck yeah.
Scene Description: The Marsh house, after school. Sharon is in the kitchen washing the mountain of dishes Randy left in the morning and she's not happy about it. Stan opens the front door and enters the living room, closes the door and walks to the kitchen.
Stan: Mom? Mom! You've gotta do something! Dad's trying to be our new school chef.
Sharon: Oh I know! He tried out all his recipes here and left me with the mess!
Stan: Well you've gotta tell him to stop, Mom!
Sharon: You think your father's gonna listen to me?! [something begins to beep nearby and Sharon looks at it, then goes to the breakfast table. On it is the beeping Shake Weight]
Shake Weight: This is a workout reminder. Time for a workout.
Sharon: Oh. [picks up the weight and begins to shake it] This thing is so great. It reminds me when I haven't worked out in a while.
Shake Weight: That's it. Work it. Harder, faster.
Stan: Mom, Dad's food sucks and kids at school are starting to get pissed at me!
Sharon: [sighs] Sorry Stan, but I need to start doing things for myself! [Stan just looks at her now]
Shake Weight: You are independent and strong.
Sharon: Right! I spend all my trying to take care of everybody else!
Shake Weight: Switch arms.
Sharon: [switch] I don't need to look good to keep your father interested in me! I'm just going to do it FOR ME!
Shake Weight: You are so motivated and charming. It is time to take your pulse. Insert finger. [Sharon puts her left index finger into the device.] Do not stop your arms. Keep going. Good. Get your finger up there a little more. Your pulse is one hundred forty-five. [Sharon shakes the weight harder] Faster. Harder.
Scene Description: South Park Elementary cafeteria kitchen, day. Randy is behind the food counter acting as if he's on TV.
Randy: Who says that school cafeteria food can't be healthy, delicious, and gourmet? Today we're gonna be making the students my tasty baked ziti with basil and fresh [in an Italian accent] mozzarella. It's all right here right now on Cafeteria Fraîche.
Scene Description: Montage. Randy beings out some muffins from the oven, then stirs some soup
Randy Singing: La lalala la la...
Randy: [glazing some marbled beef] Aww, fuck yeah. [next he chops onions]
Randy Singing: Lalalalala la, fraîche, fraîche.
Randy: [sniffing the aroma of freshly cooked turkey surrounded by russet potatoes] Ogh, yeah. Man, that ogh... [takes a small torch to some quiches, shows off a new dish on a fancy plate on a regular tray, squirts out some dinner roll batter on a cooking sheet, grinds some pepper onto a baked ham, flambés some shrimp, checks out some pork chops he's got cooking in the oven and likes what he sees]
Randy Singing: Crème fraîche, Cafeteria Fraîche. Lalalalala fraîche. Ho ho hohoho.
Stan: Dad, what are you doing?
Randy Singing: [as his head floats across the screen] Fraîche. [a logo finally shows up]
Randy: Fraîche.
Randy Singing: Cafeteria Fraîche.
Randy: Alright now, for my baked ziti we are gonna start off by getting some extra-virgin olive oil into the pan. [does so] Oh yeah, get that all over there. It's all slick. ...It's all wet and slick. Oh...
Craig: Can we have some food, please? [behind him stand Craig, Kevin, and some more fourth graders]
Randy: Now olive oil does have a low smoke point, so keep that heat low, and keep it fraîche. [the crew is shown: Stan operates the camera, Kyle the boom mike, Cartman and Kenny the klieg lights. Randy grates the cheese over the ziti] Ohhh, ohh that's so fuckin' hot. Look at that crust, it's perfect. Fuck yeah.
Stan: Dad! You aren't ever going to be a celebrity chef!
Randy: Quiet on set, please.
Stan: No Dad, that's enough! You need to be focusing on getting Mom back!
Randy: [distracted] Back from where?
Scene Description: A beach somewhere. A small table holding a bucket of ice and two Coronas is shown with a chaise longue on either side. On the right one is Sharon, on the left one is the Shake Weight
Sharon: Oh, this is so nice. I really needed this.
Shake Weight: You are so lovely and elegant. You can do anything you set your mind to.
Sharon: Oh, thanks Shake Weight.
Shake Weight: You are a go-getter. You are strong and confident.
Sharon: You're right.
Shake Weight: Tell me again about the women who you do not like.
Sharon: Well, Linda Stotch is a real gossiper and Tammy Bretts at work is just a know-it-all.
Shake Weight: Oh you are so witty and alarmingly insightful. [two beeps] How about a quick workout?
Sharon: [takes off her sunglasses] A workout? Right now?
Shake Weight: Just a quickie. You can do it.
Sharon: I don't really like working out in public.
Shake Weight: Come on. You can do it. [Sharon thinks about it, then picks up the weight with her left hand and shakes it. At first she keeps it at a distance, but soon shakes it normally] That's it. Good. Keep it up. Feel the burn. Harder. Faster. [Sharon does as told] You are amazing. Switch arms. [Sharon switches] Oh that's it. Yes. You are getting really good at this. You are capable of anything. Harder, faster. [Sharon does as told] I said faster. More. Do it. You are almost there. Home stretch. Oh yes. [a ring and two squirts] Your workout is finished. Your cab fare. [pours out some fare onto Sharon's left hand] Now going to sleep mode. [powers down]
Scene Description: A drama/music classroom at South Park Elementary. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny enter through an open door
Kyle: We really think this is gonna work, Stan. All we have to do is convince your dad that his cooking sucks, right?
Stan: He's not going to listen to us! We already tried!
Kyle: He won't listen to us, but he would listen to- Gordon Ramsay.
Cartman: [on stilts, dressed as Ramsay] Oy! Bebebebebebebe.
Stan: That's stupid, Cartman.
Kyle: He does kind of look like him dude. And Kenny thinks Cartman's Gordon Ramsay impersonation is really good.
Kenny: (Yeah, it's really good.)
Kyle: Let's hear it, Cartman!
Cartman: Riiight. Simple. Rustic. Ya? Wake up! Jesus! Fuck me. You're not a fucking chef! Hoi, right, good, ya. Make a nice, simple, beef Wellington. You're fucking taking a piss ya? Fuck me! You can't cook!
Stan: You guys, my dad is retarded, but not that retarded.
Randy: [enters the room] Hey Stan, have you seen my- Oh my God it's Gordon Ramsay! [backs out the door quickly and hides behind the door. Stan follows him out] Stan! Do you know who that is in there?! That's the Gordon Ramsay!
Stan: ...Uh yeah Dad, he'd like to talk to you.
Randy: Talk to me?! Oh Jesus!
Scene Description: A hotel room. Sharon is sleeping in bed when something begins to beep. Sharon wakes up and looks around, gets up and goes to the dresser and opens a drawer. Inside, she sees the Shake Weight blinking and beeping. She picks up the weight in her right hand
Shake Weight: You have not worked out in seven hours.
Sharon: Oh God, not right now.
Shake Weight: Come on. Let's get to it.
Sharon: Ugh, I'm tired.
Shake Weight: You have not worked out in seven hours.
Sharon: Oh, where is that sleep mode button?
Shake Weight: Cannot go to sleep mode. You need to work out first. Come on. Just really fast?
Sharon: Ugghh.
Shake Weight: Come on. It won't take long. Just a quick workout. Come on. Please.
Sharon: [sighs] All right. Fine. [a few moments later, with the lights on, she begins shaking the weight]
Shake Weight: That's it. Good. [Sharon sighs] A little faster. Harder. [Sharon simply switches arm position, but doesn't shake any faster] Come on. Get into it. That's it. Now switch arms. [Sharon switches] You are so attractive and you have interesting things to say. [Sharon shakes the weight faster, but soon has to support her left arm with her right hand] Come on. You are almost there. Faster. Do it faster. [ding, two squirts, some change comes out] Now going to sleep mode. [powers down]
Sharon: [relieved] Ahhh.
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. In the cafeteria kitchen, Cartman tries to discourage Randy any way he can
Cartman: [still dressed as Ramsay] What the fuck kind of cook do you think you are?! Are you having a laugh, ey? Hey, you got your fucking head up your arse, don't you?!
Randy: Yes chef!
Cartman: Give up, you wanker! You fucking can't cook for shit!
Stan: Alright Dad, Gordon Ramsay said you suck. It's time to give up.
Randy: No, Stan! No, Chef! This is my dream!
Stan: Dad! You aren't ever going to become a celebrity chef, Dad! Give up on your dream! [another camera crew comes in, with another chef]
Bobby Flay: Uh, excuse me. Randy Marsh?
Randy: Yes, I- Oh my God, it's Bobby Flay! Stan, that's Bobby Flay!
Bobby Flay: I heard that Gordon Ramsay had taken an interest in your cafeteria food. So now I would like to challenge you to a school cafeteria food throwdown!
Randy: Whoa, are you serious?? [fist pump] Yes, yes!
Alton Brown: A culinary battle royale is set to explode here in a school cafeteria. Will it be the simple, rustic cafeteria food of the challenger, or will the Iron Chef reign supreme?
Stan: Hey no, no. All you people get out of here.
Jamie Oliver: [appears] Hold on. Wait. School cafeteria food needs to be healthy. [begins to cry] Why, why won't people listen to me?
Randy: Jamie Oliver!
Alton Brown: And our celebrity sous-chefs, Mario Batali, Paula Deen [she waves], and Giada De Laurentiis with her perky tats and gigantic head.
Kyle: Can I just get some Goddamned tater tots?
Scene Description: The hotel, day. Sharon arrives at her hotel room only to find it closed. A sign hangs on the door.
Sharon: "Your room is being serviced"? Ugh, oh well. [enters the room and finds the maid working out with the Shake Weight] Uhh, excuse me?
Rosemary: Oh, [turns around] uh no, no, [tosses the Shake Weight onto the bed] sorry. I done with cleaning, [runs to her cleaning tray and exits with it] thank you. Please, sorry. [after she leaves Sharon drops her shopping bag and walks to the bed. She crosses her arms and looks at the Shake Weight angrily]
Shake Weight: ...What's the big deal? She wanted to work out. You never want to work out. I just needed help going to sleep. Mode. ...What? ...What? Come on. What? You are amazing and irreplaceable. What? How about a quick workout? What? [moments later Sharon is on the phone with the manufacturer]
Sharon: [pacing back and forth] Yeah, I don't care, I just wanna find out how to return my Shake Weight!
Shake Weight: This is ridiculous. Give Shake Weight a break.
Sharon: Because I want to return it now! I need to know the address of your company.
Shake Weight: You are enticing and lovely. Tell me again about the women you do not like.
Sharon: I don't care how long I've had it, I want my money back!
Shake Weight: You are so forthcoming and delightful. Tell me about which woman at work makes you the angriest. [Sharon stops and glares at it.]
Scene Description: Montage opener to a special program: closeups of a chef slicing a carrot to bits, another chef working on a pan dish, another grinding meat, another flipping a steak over, another kneading bread
Announcer: Tonight, a school cafeteria in Middle America is the stage for a heavyweight culinary battle. The very best of the best will cook off to find out who... can make the best school cafeteria food. It's... the Hell's Kitchen Nightmares Iron Top Chef Cafeteria Throwdown Ultimate Cookoff Challenge!
Randy: [walking with a huge metal pot past Mario Batali] Behind you!
Alton Brown: [looks at Giada De Laurentiis, then turns to face the camera] Whose cafeteria food will win? These chefs are cooking their hearts out and bringing their A-game to serve the kids of this elementary school. [the cafeteria is shown full of kids] These kids have now been waiting over twelve hours for their lunch. Over at the prep station Jamie Oliver is crying again.
Jamie Oliver: [on the floor] Kids' food should be healthy. Why ain't it healthy?
Announcer: And back in the kitchen the challenger appears to have lost something.
Randy: [walking around, frantic] Where is it, where is it?? I must have left it at home! [leaves the kitchen, goes through the cafeteria, and leaves] I'll be right back!
Alton Brown: The challenger has left the cafeteria to find his most important ingredient.
Scene Description: South Park main street, night. Randy runs home
Randy: Crème fraîche. Crème fraîche. [comes in through the garage and goes to the refrigerator, opens it, and rifles through the food] Where is it?! Where is it?! [goes to the sofa in the living room and takes off the cushions] Dammit, where is that crème fraîche?! [runs upstairs and into the master bedroom. He goes to the dresser and rifles through the top drawer] Where did I leave that fucking crème fraîche?! It has to be somewhere!
Sharon: [appearing at the doorway] Randy, I'm back.
Randy: [looks over his shoulder] Oh, thank God! [quickly walks up to her] Sharon! Have you seen my crème fraîche??
Sharon: Randy, we should talk.
Randy: I don't have time! I'm cooking right now!
Sharon: Randy, I don't want our marriage to fail. I don't know how to fix what's wrong, but please, can't we just go to bed and start fresh in the morning?
Randy: You don't understand, Sharon! I've got Gordon Ramsay up my ass, Bobby Flay out to kick my ass, and the whole world's gonna be watching! I can't sleep! I haven't slept for days!
Sharon: What'd you say?
Randy: [stops searching and crosses his arms] I can't sleep, Sharon! I'm in work mode!
Sharon: Can I try something?
Scene Description: The Marsh house, night, hallway. Randy and Sharon are still in the bedroom, but the door is locked shut
Randy: Oh... Sharon, what are you? Oh! Ohhhohoho, oh. Oh wow! A nice old-fashioned. [Stan walks into view] Oh that, oh that's good! Oh that's it. Yeah! [Stan stops and looks at the door] Now uh, switch arms. [Stan looks away, trying to make sense of what he's hearing] Oohh that's good. Really good. Wow! How'd you get so good at this? [Stan figures it out, turns, and walks away] You're amazing! That's it! Faster! Faster! Awwwgh! ...Awwwww. Awwwww. Haven't had an old-fashioned in a long time. [yawns] Ugh, I'm tired.
Sharon: You gonna go back to the kitchen?
Randy: Oh no, fuck that. I'm gonna go to sleep, babe. Here, do you need some money or anything?
Sharon: No, I'm good, thanks. [smiles]
Randy: I'll get my old job back tomorrow. Cooking's dumb. I'm just... really sleepy. [closes his eyes] Love you, Sharon. [farts, and he's asleep. Sharon remembers something and goes downstairs.]
Scene Description: The Marsh house, dining room. Her suitcase is on the table. Sharon walks up to her suitcase and opens it up
Shake Weight: I guess my work here is finished.
Sharon: Shake Weight, you aren't really workout equipment at all, are you?
Shake Weight: Marriage is important. Keep your man happy. When things are going bad, there's nothing like an old-fashioned to ease his stress.
Sharon: I'll remember that now, thanks to you.
Shake Weight: It has been nice getting to know you. How about a quick workout, for old times' sake? Just kidding. I must be going now. Another lovely woman needs me. Goodbye, customer.
Sharon: Goodbye, Shake Weight.


Scene Description: South Park Elementary School Playground, day. The kids are out for recess. Bill and another boy are tossing a ball at each other. Scott Malkinson and Red are chatting nearby. On the merry-go-round the four main boys as well as Clyde and Butters are gathered, each of them holding an iPad
Cartman: Oh my God, isn't it awesome having an iPad, you guys? [Bebe walks by, and Cartman jumps up to approach her] Hey Bebe, where's your iPad? Oh right, you're not cool enough! [laughs at her, and she walks off disgusted. Token walks by] Hey, hey, did you see my iPad, Token? Funny, you don't seem to have one! I thought your family was rich! [Token walks on, but is puzzled by Cartman's behavior. Cartman sees four kids playing four-square and jeers at them] Haha! You dumbasses have to play four-square 'cause you don't have iPads! [checks his iPad and starts pacing] Oh, what should I do on my iPad next? Think I'll email some of my friends. Oh no, wait! Maybe I'll download some more cool apps! [smiles. Craig comes up behind him] This is so awesome! [Craig taps him on the shoulder and Cartman turns around]
Craig: Tom Saltzman says you don't really have an iPad.
Cartman: [stares at him for a second] What?
Craig: Tom Saltzman says you just glued a piece of glass to an iPad cover and you're faking it. [Cartman looks at him, then looks around to see if anyone is within earshot]
Cartman: Tom Saltzman's dad is an alcoholic who drinks and drives! [looks around again]
Stan: Let me see your iPad, Cartman.
Cartman: Seriously you guys! Tom Saltzman's dad is a drunk driver. He's the one who ran over Joey Potts's dog because Joey Potts doesn't know how to take care of his animals, which is why he gets beat by his mom! [Craig looks off into the distance, surprised]
Kyle: Just let us see your iPad, Cartman.
Cartman: No, because the battery is dead; it just ran out of power!
Kyle: So, plug it in.
Cartman: I left my charger at home! [the boys are still waiting] Fine! I'm gonna go home and charge my iPad and bring it tomorrow, and you guys are gonna feel really stupid! [walks away angrily]
Scene Description: Cartman's house, after school. Cartman enters, still pissed off, and closes the door behind him
Cartman: Well good going, Mom! You completely screwed me over!
Liane: [reading a book on the sofa, with her legs tucked under a blanket] What happened, Eric?
Cartman: YOU said I had to wait till my birthday to get an iPad! So the one I rubbed in everyone's faces today isn't real and tomorrow everyone's gonna call me a liar. Would you mind loaning me some of your lipstick, Mom? Because I wanna at least look pretty the next time you decide to FUCK me!
Scene Description: A Sizzler restaurant. Kyle is demonstrating his iPad to a man
Kyle: You see? And then I can take all my homework on my iPad, and swipe it over to my iPhone.
Man: Oh. Yeah, Apple's stuff is pretty neat alright. I just don't want any big company tracking where I am at all times. [walks off with his tray]
Kyle: Aw, that's just a rumor. They don't really track y- [the doors fly open and three men rush in]
Apple Man 1: There he is! [The men approach him] Hello Kyle, we're from Apple. We're all ready for you now. [a second man pulls out a scale and sets it on the floor]
Kyle: What? Ready for what?
Apple Man 1: To fulfill the agreement. Can we get a weight please? [the third man lifts Kyle up and puts him on the scale]
Apple Man 2: 83 pounds, sir.
Kyle: What "agreement"?!
Apple Man 1: 83 pounds, good. Let's get the bloodwork.
Kyle: Hey! You can't do that! [the second man pulls out a tape measure to measure the circumference of Kyle's head, the third man prepares to take Kyle's blood]
Apple Man 1: You agreed we could take all the blood we needed.
Kyle: What are you talking about?!
Apple Man 1: When you downloaded the last iTunes update a window on your screen popped up and asked you if you agreed to our terms and conditions. You clicked "Agree." Alright, let's get him to the water tank.
Kyle: The water tank? [gets off the scale and away from the men] Hey I'm not going with you!
Apple Man 1: You've agreed to all of this! [Kyle runs out of the restaurant] Hey!
Scene Description: Someone is listening to an iListenToMusic, a sound system dock for the iPhone. The camera pulls back to reveal Kenny, Butters, Stan, Clyde, and Jimmy playing basketball at the local park.
Kyle: [off-camera] You guys! [runs onto the basketball court] You gotta help me. These business casual G-men are trying to kidnap me!
Stan: What?
Kyle: It's crazy, dude! They're saying it's because I agreed to the latest terms and conditions on iTunes!
Stan: Why? What did the terms and conditions for the last update say?
Kyle: I don't know, I didn't read them!
Butters: You didn't read them?
Kyle: Who the hell reads that entire thing every time it pops up?
Stan: [earnestly] I do.
Clyde: Me too.
Kyle: You're telling me that every time you guys download an update for iTunes, you read the entire terms and conditions?
Jimmy: Of course.
Butters: Well, how do you know if you agree to something if you don't read it?
Kyle: Well, I turned off all my Apple stuff. They can't locate you if you don't have your stuff on, right? [at that moment two limousines pull up and men begin pouring out of them]
Apple Man 1: There he is. Hey you!
Kyle: Gahhh! [runs away]
Scene Description: Gerald's law firm, day. He is at his desk typing away on his keyboard. Kyle runs in and closes the door
Kyle: Dad! Dad, I need a lawyer!
Gerald: Kyle? What are you doing here?
Kyle: Dad, if you agree to something but you didn't mean to agree to it, what do you do?!
Gerald: Well, Kyle, it's always the agreeing party's responsibility to know what they are signing.
Kyle: But it's like eight pages long and they send me a new one like every three weeks! How can they know if I-
Gerald: Calm down, Kyle! It's okay. You're safe with Daddy. [the office window slides up and one of the Apple G-Men looks in]
Apple Man 1: Here he is!
Kyle: AAHH!
Apple Man 1: Come on you!
Gerald: Hey, what the heck is going on?
Apple Man 1: Your son has made a binding and legal agreement with Apple, sir.
Gerald: An agreement to do what?!
Apple Man 1: Apple's inner workings are top secret to all users. You know how it is.
Gerald: No, I don't know how it is. I use a PC.
Apple Man 1: [chuckles] You what?
Apple Man 4: Come on, let's go!
Gerald: Hey now, let him go! [Apple Man 1 tasers him and he goes down in pain]
Kyle: Dad! You tasered my dad!
Apple Man 1: You said we could.
Scene Description: Best Buy, day. Cartman runs in with glee as his mom lags behind
Cartman: Okay, WiFi+3G, 64 gigs. This one, this one!
Liane: Oh, sweetie, $900?
Cartman: I can't wait to see the look on Kyle's stupid face when he sees my iPad has more memory than his!
Liane: Eric, we can't afford that one.
Cartman: Well you don't expect me to get the WiFi-only 16-gig version, do you?
Liane: I think we need to get you a different brand, hon. They're a little cheaper.
Cartman: Mom, everyone knows that everything but Apple is stupid!
Liane: [sees something interesting] Here, look at this one. Toshiba Handibook.
Cartman: Toshiba Handibook??
Liane: This says it does everything the iPad does, at half the price!
Cartman: Mom, do not screw me over again! If I take that thing to school, everyone is gonna think I'm a poverty-stricken asshole!
Liane: Eric, stop acting like a spoiled brat! You can either have the Toshiba Handibook or you can have nothing at all!
Cartman: [looks at her for a second] Oh, I've got a better idea! Why don't you go across the street and buy some condoms?! Because we should at least be safe if you're gonna fuck me, Mom!
Liane: [sternly] Eric!
Cartman: You might as well go buy some cigarettes too, because I like to have a smoke after I get good and fucked! Do you wanna fuck me Mom?! [everyone is now staring at the two of them] Just say so! Go ahead! Here! [pulls down his pants to moon his mom, who puts her hands over her mouth] Huh?! Go ahead, Mom! Fuck me! Fuck me right here in the Best Buy! You wanna fuck your son so bad?! Go on Mom! Fuck me! Fuck me!
Scene Description: Liane's car, night. An angry Liane is driving and Cartman is crying
Liane: Stop crying, Eric! I told you if you kept acting up, you weren't getting anything!
Cartman: [sniffles] But I told you I was sorry.
Liane: You made me look like some sort of child molester in front of all those PEOPLE!
Cartman: I wasn't trying to get you in trouble.
Liane: Then why did you go outside to a police officer and say "Help! Help! My mom is trying to fuck me!"?!
Cartman: [looks around for something to come back with] Oh wait, I get it now! The F-word is a no-no word, and I shouldn't say it around other people. I'm sorry Mama.
Liane: If you're really sorry, then you'll understand why you aren't getting ANYTHING!!
Cartman: [sniffles] Well, now that doesn't really have any logical sense, Mommy, because I'm already being punished by not getting the iPad. Mama. Please, can we just go back and get the Toshiba Handibook?
Liane: NO!!
Cartman: Well then can we at least pull up here and get some dinner? 'Cause I like to be wined and dined after I've been FUCKED! [bangs at the dashboard with his fists]
Scene Description: A holding cell. The cell door opens and Kyle is tossed into it. Kyle quickly gets up and tries to open the door, futilely. He bangs at the door, then turns around to see who else is in there. A woman cowers in one corner, Junichi Takiyama sits in another
Woman: What are you going to do to us??
Kyle: What is this? What's going on?
Woman: You... You agreed to the iTunes terms and conditions too??
Kyle: ...What?
Woman: I just clicked "Agree." I didn't read it! I was in a hurry, you see, and I, I, I didn't know what I was agreeing to!
Junichi: (In Japanese Accent) I can't even read Engrish!
Guard: [a small window slides open above Kyle and the guard looks in] Hey, shut up in there! You all agreed to stay quiet!
Kyle: Hey! Hey, let me out of here! This is a mistake! I agreed by accident!
Guard: You can't agree by accident. There's a fail-safe built in. Even if you click on "Agree" another little window pops up that says "Are you sure you agree?" and you have to click on "Agree" again.
Woman: Uh, what are you going to do to us??
Guard: Everything that you agreed to in the iTunes conditions.
Kyle: We didn't read them!
Guard: Heh! Riiight. Who just agrees to something they don't read? [slides the steel window closed]
Scene Description: The Big Event for the new iPad. The lights go down on a barren stage with the Apple logo in the background. A podium with an Apple computer is nearby
Announcer: And now, the president of Apple, Steve Jobs! [Jobs walks onstage as the audience applauds, waves, and stops on his mark]
Steve Jobs: Hello everyone, I'm here to announce a new product that will once again revolutionize the way we use our phones and tablet devices. Let's hear it for our volunteers! [Klieg lights focus on another part of the stage. The curtains there open and the volunteers are shown: Junichi, Kyle, and the woman, all in hospital beds. The platform they're on rolls forward as Jobs approaches it] These three people have agreed to be brought here, handcuffed to these beds, and become the prototype of our first truly-interfaced device.
Kyle: The first what?
Steve Jobs: [walks back to his starting position] They have actually agreed to be surgically altered. [a projection appears on a huge white board] Their lips will be removed and they will be sewn together mouth to anus.
Woman: What??
Steve Jobs: [looks at and tells the woman] You agreed to this! [back to the projection] Mouth to anus so that the feces so that the gastral tract from one will enter the mouth of the little boy - [looks over at Kyle] and he agreed this was okay - enter the mouth of the little boy, leading through his anus to the mouth of the female - who completely agreed; they all agreed - which will then go to a tablet device, making a product that is part human, and part centipede, and part Web browser, and part emailing device! I give you... the HUMANCENTiPad!
Junichi: (In Japanese Accent) Oho... I should habu never appudeitedo iTunes!
Scene Description: Kyle's bedroom. Butters is at the computer reading the monitor
Butters: "You agree that Apple may charge your credit card or Paypal account for any products purchased in the iTunes store."
Gerald: Can somebody please explain to me what is going on?!
Stan: We're trying to find out exactly what Kyle agreed to.
Gerald: There can't be anything in that agreement that allows a company to do what they're talking about to Kyle!
Butters: Hold up. Here it is right here: "by clicking Agree, you are also acknowledging that Apple may sew your mouth to the butthole of another iTunes user"
Stan: Oh boy.
Butters: "Apple and its subsidiaries may also, if necessary, sew yet another person's mouth onto your butthole, making you a being that shares one gastral tract." Hmmm, I'm gonna click onnn... "Decline."
Gerald: Well that does it! I'm going to the police!
Stan: For what?
Gerald: To find out where Apple is keeping my son!
Stan: Dude, when the police wanna know where somebody is, they ask Apple! The only way we can fix all this is by going to the highest authority on the planet! You guys, we're gonna have to ask help from... the Geniuses.
Butters: The Geniuses...
Kenny: (The Geniuses...)
Scene Description: Apple Headquarters, day. Steve Jobs looks over the new prototype, even getting on his knees to check out the underside of the thing
Steve Jobs: Alright. Good. Looks good, guys. Great work. [the camera lowers enough to reveal the volunteers sewn in place whimpering]
Junichi: Nanda... Nanda kore?! ["What... what is this?!"]
Steve Jobs: Really nice, guys. [stands up] I remember when the first version of the iPad came out. People couldn't believe how easy it was to take their videos, music, and photos, and all their shit, [walks towards a massive LCD screen on which is a map of the world and the words "WHERE EVERYBODY IN THE WORLD IS RIGHT NOW" above it] and share it, with other people, who could do the same with all their shit. The only thing the iPad couldn't do was walk or read. Until now.
Kyle: [with his mouth sewn onto Junichi's ass and bandages bound around them to make sure it stays that way] (I need some help! I can't take it!)
Steve Jobs: [walks up to Kyle and leans down to hear him better] What, what what's that? What's that you're saying?
Kyle: (I can't take it! I want out right now!)
Steve Jobs: Yeah you want out? Are you saying you want out?
Kyle: (Yes! Please! Let me go!)
Steve Jobs: Fine. You don't want to be part of this? Then just sign right here. [whips out another contract. Kyle looks at the contract, then just signs it] Nooo! You didn't read it! This says we don't ever have to let you out and that we can do whatever we want! [walks up to his staff, frustrated] Dammit, why won't it read?!
Apple Tech: It's probably low on power. We should feed it.
Steve Jobs: [carries a bag to the head of the centipede, Junichi] Alright. Here you go, come on.
Junichi: (In Japanese Accent) Nooo! [enunciating slowly] I will not eat if they are forced to iito my poo!
Steve Jobs: Perhaps I didn't mention... [pulls out something from the bag] it's a bean and cheese burrito from Paco's.
Junichi: [gasps] (In Japanese Accent) Sori, Kairu. I tried to resist but burrito isu too dericious! [takes it and wolfs it down. Jobs goes back to his staff]
Steve Jobs: We have to unveil this thing tomorrow. It better be reading by then!
Junichi: (In Japanese Accent) Oh, oh no... feel sick...
Kyle: (You're fine!)
Junichi: Oooho, oooh! [poops into Kyle's mouth violently]
Kyle: (Yaaaaah!) [poops into the woman's mouth violently]
Woman: (Aaaaaah!)
Scene Description: Dr. Phil. Graphics move around
Announcer: Today, on Dr. Phil. The tragic story of a little boy whose mother constantly tries to fuck him.
Dr. Phil: I want you all to meet Eric Cartman, who's a very special boy with a very hard life. Eric, you say that your mom fucks you?
Cartman: Yes! She fucks me so hard!
Dr. Phil: Does this happen often? Does she- does she fuck you a lot?
Cartman: Dude, Filipino hookers don't get fucked the way I do!
Audience: Ohhh...
Dr. Phil: Now, I know this is very difficult for you to talk about, but... where was the last time your mother fucked you?
Cartman: At Best Buy.
Audience: Ahhh...
Dr. Phil: Your mother fucked you at Best Buy?
Cartman: Uh huh.
Dr. Phil: And people saw her doing this?
Cartman: Yes!
Dr. Phil: And they didn't do anything?
Cartman: No!
Liane: [making her way to the stage] Eric, stop it!
Cartman: Oh there she is! There's my mom right now! [Dr. Phil crosses his arms]
Audience: Booooooo!
Cartman: Booooooo!
Liane: Eric, you come home, right now!
Audience: Booooooo!
Dr. Phil: Ma'am, why do you think it's okay to fuck your son?
Liane: I DON'T!
Cartman: She does! She does it all the time! She fucked me on Christmas, she fucked me on my birthday...
Audience: [shocked] Awwwwww!
Cartman: You know, Mom, the least you could do is kiss me first. 'Cause I liked to be kissed before I get fucked!
Man 1: You fuck your son and you won't even give him a kiss? Booooooo!
Man 2: [seated with his arm around a boy] If I was gonna fuck my son, I'd kiss him first! [kisses the boy on the forehead slowly]
Dr. Phil: Well Eric, we have a very special gift we wanna give you.
Cartman: [suddenly bright with hope] An iPad??? [dances in his chair]
Scene Description: The Apple store, day. Stan, Gerald, Butters, and Kenny wait to speak to a Genius
Announcer: Gerald Broflovski.
Stan: Okay, the Geniuses will see us now. [the group leaves their seats and head to the Genius bar, but Stan stops them midway] Now remember: when you speak to the Geniuses keep your questions short and to the point. The Geniuses do not like those who waste their time. [Stan leads the group forward]
Scene Description: The Genius Bar. A fat Genius is at his station as the group arrives
Leslie: Hi, my name is Leslie. I'll be your Genius.
Stan: Genius Leslie, we have a problem and we seek your wisdom.
Leslie: What problems are you experiencing?
Gerald: My son was kidnapped by Apple and they are holding him against his will!!
Leslie: Oh-kay, well I'm sorry you're having trouble with that today. Could I have his Apple ID?
Stan: 69ingchipmunks@me.com [Gerald is surprised]
Leslie: Okay. [types away on his laptop, pauses to read a reply, resumes typing...]
Gerald: [loses his cool] Well what the heck does this w-! [Stan shushes him]
Leslie: Oh okay. I see. Hmm. Hmm, I might need to bring another Genius in on this. [turns to his left] Frothgar?
Frothgar: [walks up] Uh huh?
Leslie: This guy's son was abducted by us? [Frothgar takes over and starts typing into the laptop] Should I run a stop-check or just give him store credit?
Gerald: No I don't want store credit, I want my son back!
Frothgar: 'Kay, this says he agreed to be taken and made part of any experiments Apple wants to perform.
Stan: Yeah, but it's all a mistake. He actually didn't read the agreement.
Frothgar: [scratches his head] He didn't read it?
Butters: We know. It's preposterous.
Frothgar: Hrrrrgh. [resumes typing]
Leslie: Sooo, just give them store credit?
Scene Description: Apple Headquarters, night. The HumancentiPad is in a cage in the darkness. Junichi grabs the cage's bars
Junichi: Aarrrgh. Dame kore! ["This can't be!" He then says something else, and then...] (In Japanese Accent) So sori Kairu, but I am starving! Which would you rather I eat? Should I iito cuttlefish and asparagus, or the vanilla peisuto?
Kyle: (Vanilla paste! Vanilla paste!)
Junichi: (In Japanese Accent) Cuttlefish and asparagus?
Kyle: (No! That's not what I said! Vanilla paste!)
Junichi: (In Japanese Accent) Very well I will iito the cuttlefish. [begins to gobble that down]
Kyle: (NOOOO!) [a door flies open and a group of men rush in]
Rescuer 1: Go, go! Come on guys, come on! Go! [reaches the cage and genuflects next to it] Don't worry. We're here to help you. [cuts the lock open with some bolt cutters and opens the cage door]
Junichi: (In Japanese Accent) Oh! Oh, thank you! Thank you! [the rescuer shushes him]
Rescuer 1: Come on, hurry! We have an ambulance waiting outside.
Scene Description: The ambulance. The rescuer is restless and the sirens are on, the lights are flashing...
Rescuer 1: Just try to stay calm. We're gonna have to try and get you separated right away!
Junichi: (In Japanese Accent) Yes, please hurry! That cuttlefish and asparagus is noto sitting well.
Scene Description: The hospital. The rescuers rush the HumancentiPad into the ER
Rescuer 1: We got it! We got it! Doctor, can you take this thing apart?!
Doctor: If I'm going to perform surgery, I need permission. [shows Kyle a new agreement] Sign this release so we can operate.
Kyle: (Yes. Yes, hurry up.) [a buzzer sounds and the ER splits in two, revealing that it was all a setup to see if Kyle would finally read an agreement before signing it. The whole grouped just went around the headquarters and back in. Steve Jobs appears and walks up to the HumancentiPad]
Steve Jobs: No, dammit! It didn't read it! End of simulation, end of simulation! [the 'medical staff' splits up and walks off, while the doctor walks away from the corporation building] What is wrong with you people?! Why can't you get the HumancentiPad to read?!
Rescuer: We're sorry, sir. We really thought we'd get it to read this time.
Junichi: (In Japanese Accent) Oh no! Cuttlefish is about to come out ofu asshole!
Kyle: (Oh, shit!)
Junichi: (In Japanese Accent) Here it comes! Oh, it's going to be arot! Hold on, Kairu! I believe in youuuuuu!!! [craps into Kyle's mouth violently. A second later, Kyle craps into the woman's mouth violently. A second later the woman craps onto the iPad's back, and the iPad lights up with a soft bell sound]
Scene Description: The Apple Store, day. Gerald, Stan, Butters, and Kenny are still waiting for more information from the Geniuses. Frothgar supervises Leslie as Leslie types on the laptop
Frothgar: Yeap. A-and then you should be able to do a customer check, uh huh.
Leslie: Okay, that should do it. Sorry Apple kidnapped your friend, guys. But I believe we have it all cleared up.
Gerald: You do??
Leslie: Yeah, we got you a replacement friend. You should be all good to go.
Replacement Friend: Hi guys.
Stan: [looks at the boy] No, we don't want a replacement friend, we want our friend.
Frothgar: [sighs] We're gonna have to bring more Geniuses in on this.
Leslie: Yeah, I think we should have a quickening, with all the Geniuses.
Frothgar: I'll summon the council.
Leslie: Okay, if you guys just wait here a sec we're gonna have a quickening with the Council of Geniuses. See what we can do for you.
Scene Description: A clearing in the store. Six Geniuses gather around and begin to communicate with light beams. Leslie opens her mouth and a beam of light goes to Frothgar, who opens his mouth and lets out two other beams, which enter the mouths of the two Geniuses on either side of him. Those two Geniuses open their mouths and two beams go from their mouths to the mouths of the two other Geniuses to their other sides. Those two Geniuses open their mouths and two beams go from their mouths back to Leslie's. All of them seem to be gargling. Gerald shields his eyes from the light. Soon the meeting ends and Leslie goes back to the bar
Leslie: Do you know if your friend has a Verizon or AT&T mobile number associated with his dot-me account?
Stan: I think Verizon.
Leslie: Okay. [goes back to the council and the meeting resumes...]
Scene Description: A live report from the Best Buy in town
Field Reporter: Tom, it's a big exciting day for Mac Apple users: the unveiling of the first HumancentiPad. As part of a clear PR stunt, Apple has joined up with Best Buy and Dr. Phil to donate the first centiPad to a needy boy who was raped by his mother.
Dr. Phil: [Cartman stands next to him waving at the camera and blowing kisses] In all my years I've never heard a more tragic story than that of Eric Cartman, [Cartman begins to cheer for himself] and I wanna thank the Apple company for helping us make today a very special day for him.
Crowd: Yaaaaaaaaay!
Best Buy President: As as president of Best Buy, Eric, [Cartman puts his arms down to his sides] I want to assure you that a child will never get fucked in one of our stores again.
Crowd: Yaaaaaaaaay! [Cartman resumes cheering for himself, then goes back to blowing kisses at the crowd]
Steve Jobs: When Dr. Phil contacted us at Apple with Eric's story, we knew we had to get aboard. [Cartman lowers his arms] And so, Eric, here is your very own HumancentiPad. [The prototype crawls into view, unaltered]
Cartman: Whoa! Cooool! [struts over to it, then presses some icons on the iPhone on Junichi's forehead.] Oh wooow! No waaay! [walks to the iPad on the woman's ass and presses some icons there.] It does e-mail and Web browsing, and it shits in Kyle's mouth?? This is the greatest thing that has ever been invented!!
Reporter 1: Yes but, can it read?
Steve Jobs: Don't worry. It took a while, but I'm pretty sure it has finally learned to read, hasn't it?! [glares at Kyle]
Kyle: (Yes. I promise I'll read.)
Crowd: Hooraaaaaaaaay!
Scene Description: Gerald, Kenny, Stan, and Butters are still at the Genius bar, watching the Geniuses poke floating musical bubbles. The Geniuses match the notes from the bubbles with their own vocalizations
Gerald: What the hell are they doing now?!
Butters: The Geniuses are performing the Toran Ra. It's future stuff.
Gerald: Alright, that's it! I've had about enough with iCrap, and me clouds, and a council of Geniuses, with all their future-
Leslie: It's okay, sir. The Toran Ra has revealed the answer to your problem. We can retroactively make your son's agreement invalid.
Gerald: Okay! Finally! How do we do that?
Leslie: It's very easy. You will simply need to join Apple.
Gerald: Nooo! I don't wanna join Apple, I like my PC!
Leslie: But if you join we can make your son's account into a family account, and then you have to iApprove all his agreements.
Stan: Come on, it's not that big a deal. Will you just stop resisting and join the rest of us in the future?
Gerald: Ugh... Alright, fine! I'll sign up with Apple.
Leslie: [gives a thumbs-up] Kali fi!
Scene Description: An isolated, open temple under a red sky. The Geniuses and Gerald are all wearing tin-foul hats, and the initiation begins
Leslie: Gerald Broflovski, do you agree to let Apple track your location at all times?
Gerald: [sighs] I agree.
Leslie: Do you agree to give Apple access to all your personal information, including but not limited to your favorite movies, songs, and books?
Gerald: I agree.
Leslie: Do you agree to care about your membership, and prove that you care by purchasing AppleCare?
Scene Description: Best Buy, day. Cartman is having fun testing out the HumancentiPad. Junichi craps into Kyle's mouth, and Kyle craps into the woman's mouth
Cartman: Hehe heh, heh heh heh. Dude, HumancentiPad is awesome!
Staffer: [running up to Steve Jobs] Sir! Sir, we have a problem! [whispers into Jobs' ear]
Steve Jobs: What? What do you mean we have to take it apart?! The boy's agreement isn't valid?
Staffer 2: Sorry, we have to recall this.
Cartman: What?! Hey, that's mine!
Steve Jobs: I don't care what the Geniuses say! Dammit, I'm trying to create the future here!
Gerald: We are all trying to create the future! [appears still wearing the getup he wore in the initiation] I'm part of the future now too. I have sat with the Council of Geniuses, performed the Toran Ra, and I've even been to me. Mr. Jobs, you have done so much for the world. You have helped connect everyone to each other. [stands next to the HumancentiPad] Clearly, this is the future. But... but can't we just slow down and enjoy the present... a little longer?
Steve Jobs: You know something? I agree.
Crowd: Awww. [The father and son from the Dr. Phil audience are there, and the father kisses the son on the top of his head again]
Steve Jobs: [stops by the HumancentiPad as it crawls offstage] Come on. We'll get you separated, little boy. [leans down and says] Guess you won't be eating Japanese food for a while, huh? [Kyle doesn't want to hear about it, so he squeezes his eyes shut and then gets an angry face. The crowd disperses]
Cartman: Hey! Hey, what is this?! Some sort of sick prank?! I get the greatest thing ever just to have it taken away?! Why did you do this to me, God? Next time you're gonna get my hopes up, could you please take me to a grease monkey? 'Cause I like to get lubed before I get FUCKED! Huh?! Some lube would be nice! Or at least a courtesy lick, God! How about a little courtesy lick next time you decide to FUCK me! [a bolt of lightning strikes Cartman and the power goes out]
Scene Description: A hospital room, day. Liane is reading a book as she looks after Cartman, who's laid up in bed, his right leg in a sling. He's got burn marks all over his body, and he's crying. Liane continues reading, unaffected by Cartman's state.