Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The school is in an uproar. The students are tearing up their notebooks and littering the hallways with their papers. Clyde starts setting papers on fire.
Cartman: [runs through the hallway] This is an outrage! This is a violation of our human rights! [stops in front of Stan and Kyle]
Stan: What the hell is going on?
Cartman: You didn't hear the announcement? They just cancelled Columbus Day! We have to come to school on Monday!
Kyle: They what??
Butters: [runs up between Stan, Kyle, and Cartman] They can't do this! We made plans! [runs off]
Cartman: Some asshole went and convinced the school board that Columbus Day is racist and should be eliminated!
Butters: [returns] You can't take away a day off! We're just innocent children!
Stan: Dude, what asshole would take away a holiday?
Scene Description: The school gym, later. An official sits behind a desks.
Peter Galtman: My name is Peter Galtman. I am the head of the school calendar committee. [the people he's addressing are the parents and faculty of South Park Elementary] I've decided that school will not celebrate Columbus Day this year. I realize this is a hot-button issue for many families, but one parent in particular has really swayed my opinion with his passion. Mr. Randy Marsh. Mr. Marsh pointed out to me the hypocrisy of glorifying a genocidal murderer, and Mr. Marsh is right now also working on having the Columbus statue taken down in Canyon City.
Scene Description: Canyon City, day. In the town square, a magnificent statue of Columbus stands with a globe in its left hand and a telescope in its right hand.
Randy: [runs up to the statue] Come on, everybody! Let's take this fuckin' thing down! [kicks it and punches it] Yeah, yehah! [punches it some more, with no effect] Take it down! Columbus was a mass murderer! [people gather to watch as Randy climbs up to the statue's head] Tear it down! Tear it down! Yeah! [grunts as he tries to take it apart] Hey, it's not working. [tugs at the head and grunts] We almost got it, guys! Come on, throw the rope, Stan! [a rope flies up towards him, with noose ready to go. He catches it and wraps it around the head] Good, that's good! Hit the gas, Nelson! [Peter Nelson pulls away with the rope tied to his car] We got it, everybody! To hell with you, Columbus! You guh-whoa! Whoa! [the statue topples to the right and falls apart. Randy falls with it, but isn't hurt]
Scene Description: The Marsh house, evening. Stan sits on the couch watching TV when he gets a call from Kyle.
Stan: Hey dude.
Kyle: Dude! Did you know it's your dad did who's getting the school to cancel Columbus Day?
Stan: Yeah. Dude, I don't know what's going on. He's really serious about this.
Kyle: Well, you've gotta do something. If you get him to back down, maybe the school will reconsider.
Stan: I can't get him to back down.
Kyle: Stan, I have to deal with my mom doing shit like this all the time, but she's never tried to take away a holiday. I'm your best friend, but I can't have your back when the guys find out about this.
Stan: I'll try, okay. [glances up for a moment] Ok-I, I gotta go. [Randy walks up with his laptop and phone and sits next to Stan]
Randy: Okay, Stan, you got your phone? I need to call everyone on this list. They all live in the same city.
Stan: Dad, listen: you need to ease off a little here.
Randy: Stan, it's not right that people celebrate a man who wiped out millions of people for his own glory! [puts his phone up to his right ear] Let's go! [places his first call] Hello? Is this uh [checks his laptop screen] Howard Peterson? You live in Columbus, Ohio, is that correct? Yeah? You racist piece of shit. You heard me. You're an intolerant pig. Oh, you're not? You just choose to live in a city named for ethnic cleansing. No, fuck you! Rename your city, asshole! Hello? [evidently, the recipient hung up] Okay, next one, come on. Get calling, Stan!
Stan: Dad, come on. We all get your point, but don't you think you're overdoing it?
Randy: You have to overdo it in today's society Stan. You can't be nuanced and subtle anymore or else critics go "Wow, what was the point of that?" [places the next calls] Hi, Francis Melman? Hey, how are you, you fuckin' racist?
Scene Description: An even more impressive statue of Columbus, lit up at night.
Field Reporter: [the camera zooms out to include him] Christopher Columbus. Explorer, pioneer. Is he someone who should be appreciated, or was he just a douche? For years, Columbus Circle has been a landmark and photogenic intersection in New York City. So it came as a surprise when someone defecated on the statue earlier today. I'm joined now by the man who did the actual defecating, Mr. Randy Marsh of South Park, Colorado. [walks up to Randy, who's wearing an "I poop on New York" T-shirt, "poop on" replaced by a small picture of him pooping on "New York"]
Randy: Good evening.
Field Reporter: Mr. Marsh, you took a dump on a beloved statue that's been an icon here in the city for years. What was your reasoning?
Randy: Well, I just have a problem with the racist people of this city. Yeehaw, [gets into a hick, redneck accent] I'm from New York! I drive around a big circle n' celebrates a guy who murdered Native Americans! Shoowee!
Field Reporter: So you're doing this because of indigenous peoples and their feelings.
Randy: I don't care if people get indigenous, I'll crap all over their statues! I'm the one who's indigenous that this landmark even exists!
Field Reporter: Aah, aaah, bah, back to you, Tom.
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, lunch time. As kids sit down for lunch, a girl walks by with a tear streaming down her face. She sniffles. At the boys' table are seated Token, Jimmy, Kyle, Clyde, Cartman, Kenny, and Butters.
Butters: It ain't right. They make you work like a dog and then they just tear away your one day off in October like you're a piece of trash!
Stan: [shows up at table with his lunch] Hey guys. [takes a seat between Token and Jimmy]
Cartman: Boo! Boo! Nobody likes you, Stan!
Stan: Look, I tried talking to him, alright? He's just really against all the things Columbus did.
Jimmy: Does anyone know what Columbus actually did?
Cartman: Yeah. In fourteen hundred ninety-two, Columbus got us a day off skewl. That's what matters.
Kyle: No! No, wait guys. Maybe that's it. When I'm dealing with my mom, sometimes it works to be on her side for a minute. Maybe we should find out all the things people find offensive about Columbus and-
Cartman: And totally act like we care. I like it, Kyle.
Kyle: I'll just look up Columbus, offensive, inflammatory-
Cartman: Yeah, this is sweet. It's like that movie where the dude pretended to be on the monsters' side? You know, with the guy and the chick that had the wife beater on, but her boobs were sweaty so you could see them? [Kyle checks the search results]
Butters: I love that movie.
Cartman: Yeah, this is a lot like that. What'd you find, Kyle?
Kyle: Nnnothing.
Butters: Dang it! There's nothing?
Kyle: Stan, can I talk to you for a minute? [leaves the table, and Stan follows]
Cartman: [now out of the loop] What? What? What the hell was that?
Scene Description: The Marsh house, Randy's study. Randy is typing up something on his computer. Stan and Kyle walk in.
Stan: Hey Dad?
Randy: Not now, Stan. I'm working on a proposal to change British Columbia to just British.
Stan: But Dad, Kyle found a picture on Instagram. [shows Randy the pictures] It pretty much looks like you dressed as Columbus at a Halloween party. [Randy notices the picture, now shown close up]
Randy: Where did you get that?
Stan: If you hate Columbus so much, why did you dress like him?
Randy: Look, that was a long time ago, okay? It's just a dumb Halloween costume.
Stan: Yeah but, [goes through the pictures he pulled off Instagram] here's you dressed as Columbus at a formal dinner, and here's you dressed as Columbus at a football game, and you as Columbus on St. Patrick's Day...
Randy: Look, I was younger! We were all... younger. It was another time. You have to understand, it was 2013. Everyone was stoked on Columbus back then.
Stan: Yeah, but Dad, you seem to be really stoked on Columbus.
Randy: If you guys found those pictures online, it's only a matter of time before everyone else does. People won't care about what I do now. They'll just see me as a thoughtless, indigenous son of a bitch.
Scene Description: The Marsh house, living room, some time later. Sharon walks up to him.
Sharon: Randy, do you mind cleaning out the garage like I asked?
Randy: [moping] What's the point, Sharon? Soon they're gonna be coming after me.
Sharon: Ach. [turns around and walks away]
Announcer: [a series of faces appear on tv, and Randy is interested] Hey, you! That's right, you! Wouldn't you like to know the story of you? What makes you you? DNAandMe is a genetic service that can help you find out exactly who your ancestors were. You might be surprised.
Cyclist: [at Santa Monica Beach, stops] I thought I was just a standard white guy, but DNAandMe showed that I'm actually 4.2% Cherokee Indian.
Woman 1: [doing curls] Turns out I'm not totally white. I'm also part Northern Asian and even some Kurdish. I'm a victim of oppression. [smiles]
Steve: [seated at his desk] I used to get in trouble for always using the N word. But with DNAandMe I found out that I'm 2.1% black.
Office Worker: [walks by] 'Morning, Steve?
Steve: Sup, n*gga? [smiles]
Announcer: The test is easy. [a woman is shown swabbing her mouth for a DNA sample and putting it into a cuvette, then sealing that cuvette] Simply swab the inside of your mouth and send it into our lab.
Driver: [behind the wheel] People made fun of me for being French. DNAandMe showed I was 8% Navajo. Nobody's makin' fun of me now, or my people, who are victims.
Female Jogger: I'm 13% victim.
Painter: I'm 21% victim.
Announcer: Order now and find out if your friends should be more sympathetic towards you. DNAandMe. Are you in?
Randy: Hell fucking yes I'm in.
Scene Description: The Marsh house, day. There's a mellow party going on, with soft jazz musics. With everyone enjoying the ambiance, Randy comes down from the second floor, looks around, then goes back upstairs.
Scene Description: Randy's study. He goes inside the darkened room and closes the door.
Randy: Alright, everyone's here. Let's do this. [in the room with him is a Native American (Bill), whom he walks up to. He opens a desk drawer and pulls out some money] Here you go, just like I said. A hundred dollars cash. No questions asked. Are we good? [Bill just looks him over] Good. No talking. Perfect. Okay, let's get this over with. [pulls Bill's face towards his own and gives him a long, passionate French kiss. Bill gets more and more surprised the longer the kiss continues. Randy suddenly stops the kiss] Thank you. Do not talk of this to anyone. [Bill just turns to watch him leave]
Scene Description: The living room, moments later. Randy greets his guests.
Randy: All right, everybody. Hey, thanks for comin'. If uh-I can have your attention, please? I think we're ready to get started.
DNA test administrator: [holding a DNAandMe kit] Ahah, Mr. Marsh, you know, none of this was really necessary. For DNAandMe testing you can just swab the inside of your mouth yourself and send it in the mail.
Randy: Yeah, I know, but I just, I was really excited, wanted everyone to witness my test.
DNA test administrator: Well, to each their own I suppose. [opens the kit and pulls out a swab] All right, open wide. [Randy opens up and hums as the DNAandMe doctor moves the swab around the inside of his cheek. A shot of the Tuckers and Nelson eating hors d'oeuvres. The doctor takes the swab and puts it back in the kit] Okay, I'll get this back to the lab and get the results to you as quickly as possible.
Randy: Okay, great. I'm very interested to see [begins speaking more slowly] what those results have to say.
Scene Description: A house, day. A woman sits in a rocking chair knitting a scarf. A cordless phone rings.
Peter Galtman: [answers the phone] Galtman residence.
Masked voice: Listen to me carefully. The man who convinced you to cancel Columbus Day is a fraud.
Mr. Galtman: Who is this?
Masked voice: You will go online and search Instagram for images of Randy Marsh.
Mr. Galtman: I most certainly will not!
Masked voice: Randy Marsh is a hypocrite and a fake. You will be taken down with him when he is exposed! [a shot of the boys' restroom at school. Kenny is the one who's masking his voice as Stan, Kyle, and Cartman look on]
Kyle: What's he saying?
Kenny: (Shhh! Don't interrupt!) [masked voice again] We know where you live and we know how to make you suffer!
Mr. Galtman: Now you listen here, Mr. Man! The Galtmans don't believe in social media or the Internet! It's all fake news!
Mrs. Galtman: Fake news.
Kenny: [masked voice] Then speak with Marsh yourself! The truth is out there! [hangs up] (Well, I don't know if that worked.)
Mr. Galtman: Hm. [suspicion aroused] Sounds like maybe the Galtmans need to check out Randy Marsh.
Scene Description: The Marsh house,. Shelly's bedroom. She's drawing a pony on her bed when Randy bursts into the room.
Randy: Shelly! We've got an emergency! We're getting rid of all the Columbus stuff in this house! Any Columbus costumes? Columbus pictures? They all gotta go!
Shelly: I don't give a shit about Columbus.
Scene Description: The kitchen. Sharon is washing dishes when Randy enters.
Randy: Sharon! Peter Galtman called! He sounds suspicious! We've gotta get rid of all our Columbus shot glasses and coffee cups! Where are they?!
Sharon: YOUR Columbus shot glasses and coffee cups are in that cupboard.
Randy: Shot, shot glasses, coffee cups, towels, plates. What about the Columbus figurine salt and pepper shakers?
Sharon: I don't know where YOU put them, Randy.
Randy: [walks from the cupboard to the sink] Sharon, do you know what they'll do to us when they find out how we were so stoked on Columbus??
Sharon: YOU were stoked on Columbus, Randy. Not me.
Randy: Oho, really?! Did you forget our wedding?! That's you, right there! [shows her the wedding picture. She's in a traditional wedding dress while Randy is dressed as Columbus] Standing there with a big smile on your face! You didn't say anything about it being insensitive then, did you?!
Sharon: I actually was a little upset that you dressed up as Columbus for our wedding, but I decided-
Randy: [moves from her right side to her left] Oh, NOW! You say that NOW 'cause everyone's freakin' out, but you were right there going along with it! [turns around and walks away, but turns around again] They're gonna be coming after you too, Sharon! So you can just wipe that indigenous look off your face! [the doorbell rings and Sharon's eyebrows rise up. Randy perks up] Oh! That could be my DNA results! Here, take this stuff out back! [drops it all next to Sharon and runs to the front door, only to find Bill at the door with a bouquet of flowers in his hand. Randy looks him over, and Bill gives him the bouquet] Oh... nooo, nonononono.
Bill: I've never felt so alive until now.
Randy: Thank you. Lo-lovely flowers. Thank, thank you. [shuts the door on the bouquet, which is crushed and falls apart]
Scene Description: The Galtman house, day. Mrs. Galtman has made a lot of progress with the scarf. The phone rings.
Mr. Galtman: [answers the phone] Galtman residence.
Kenny: [masked voice] Listen carefully if you want to live. You will make this Monday a school holiday.
Mr. Galtman: I spoke with Mr. Marsh and he denied any wrongdoing.
Kenny: [talking from the boys' bathroom at school] Of course he did! That's what liars do!
Stan: I don't think you're being intimidating enough.
Cartman: Yeah, get meaner, Kenny.
Kenny: Meaner like now, dude?
Stan: I don't know, like, like uh, maybe say-
Cartman: Just talk about cutting off his dick or something.
Kenny: [to Galtman] We're gonna cut off your dick!
Kyle: No dude, that's too far.
Cartman: Okay, okay, just say we're gonna cut off part of his dick.
Stan: Just give me the phone! Hello!
Mr. Galtman: What?
Stan: Randy Marsh is about to pay for what he's done! [shown on the phone] Protect him and you will pay too! Time is running out! [hangs up] Jesus!
Scene Description: The Marsh house, master bedroom. Sharon is in bed reading a book when Randy enters.
Randy: Sharon, have you seen my Columbus staff and orb?
Sharon: I have not. [Randy goes to the closet and start rifling through it]
Randy: Sharon, Galtman called again. Somebody's out there trying to get me in trouble!
Sharon: Randy, why don't you just admit to people that maybe you were somewhat overly excited about Columbus in the past?
Randy: Everyone was excited about Columbus! For some reason people are just pointing fingers at me! Just because he's suddenly not cool now doesn't mean I'm gonna be the effin' scapegoat! [leaves the room and closes the door]
Scene Description: The front door. Randy is about to leave.
Randy: I've gotta burn this stuff! [opens the door and sees Bill waiting for him with a drum and stick] Oh Goddamnit!
Bill: I wrote you a song to express my feelings for you.
Randy: Will you get out of here?!
Bill: [bangs on the drum and chants, then] And then he kissed me.
Randy: [hushed] I didn't kiss you 'cause I liked you!
Bill: [ignores him, bangs on the drum and chants, then] And then he kissed me.
Randy: Okay, okay
Bill: [bangs on the drum and chants, then] And the sun began to shine.
Randy: That's it! Get off my property! [turns him around and shoves him towards the sidewalk]
Bill: Randy, I cannot quit you.
Randy: Get off my land, you piece of shit! [kicks him to the curb]
Bill: Uuugh! [they both look around. Randy sees a jogger across the street with his phone]
Randy: Don't post that. [a few seconds pass] Do not. Post that. [the jogger takes off. Randy drops the staff and orb, and gives chase] Shit!
Scene Description: The school playground, recess. The boys now sit around a merry-go-round. Clyde stands next to them. All of them have sad faces. Cartman walks up to them.
Cartman: Guys, what are you going?
Butters: It's over, Eric. We have to come to school on Monday. Just face it.
Cartman: I'm not facing anything. We still have time. There has to be a way-
Kyle: Dude, there's nothing we can do, all right?
Cartman: Oh okay. I see. Is that what Columbus did? Just give up? On his dream? No! Columbus believed that kids should have a day off skewl! And even when his own country wouldn't support his cause, Columbus said "Fine! I'll go find a new land, where kids can have that day off!"
Jimmy: Eric, just l-let it go.
Cartman: And when Columbus sailed to distant places only to find people already there who said "No! Stay off our land! We want our kids to have to go to skewl!", he said "No! It's just one day in October! They need a break!" You guys can all give up, but I'm not. Because in 1492, Columbus got us all a day off skewl. With just three ships he sailed over so we could have some me time in October. And yes, millions were slaughtered and throats were cut But if we don't get that day off of school, then... for what?
Kyle: Come on, guys. [stands up on the merry-go-round] There's something else we can try.
Scene Description: The Marsh bathroom, day. Sharon is on the toilet urinating, while reading stuff on her phones. Randy opens the door.
Randy: [excited] Sharon, good news!
Sharon: What??
Randy: The people from the DNA test called. They're on their way over. You wanna come down?
Sharon: I'm doing something.
Randy: You sure? These results could be really interesting. [Sharon stays quiet, so he heads downstairs]
Scene Description: The living room. Randy sees Bill.
Randy: Oh Goddammit, what the hell do you want?
Bill: I want you to stop running from yourself. We could be so happy. [the doorbell rings]
Randy: Crap, it's them! [to the front door] Just a second, be right there. Thanks! [turns around and shoves Bill towards the back door] Get over here! I don't have any feelings for you. Do you understand?!
Bill: But Randy, what about the-
Randy: [shoves him out the back door] NO! No buts! There is nothing here! I'm not in love with you! Got it?!
Bill: Yes. Yes, I understand.
Randy: Good! Now leave! [goes to the front door, and lets the DNAandMe folks in] Hi, sorry. You guys have my results?
DNA test administrator: Well, Mr. Marsh, we came because there was an irregularity with your test.
Randy: Well what? You found something there you didn't expect to find? What is it?
DNA test administrator: Well it's just a little too odd. We need to do the test again.
Randy: Do it again? That's not fair.
DNA test administrator: Mr. Marsh, please. If we could have one more sample. We want to be absolutely sure of what we found.
Randy: Agh-uh oh, okay, no problem. [begins to back up] Give me, give me one sec. I'll be right back. [turns and runs to the back door, opens it, and runs out] Wait! [looks to his left] Wait! [runs up to the Native American and kisses him in the mouth again, and just as before, stops and leaves, this time to go back inside and to the living room] Okay! Okay, all set. Let's do this. Aaaaa-
DNA test administrator: Mr. Marsh, we were hoping to do a more precise test. It's better for harder cases like this, but... it is an anal swab this time. [prepares the kit]
Randy: An anal swab? Give me tuh, three minutes. [backs up and runs out the back door again, looking for the Native American.] Hey, where'd you go? [the doctor walks up behind him and puts his right hand on Randy's shoulder]
DNA test administrator: Mr. Marsh, we're in a bit of a hurry, if you don't mind. [pulls him back inside]
Randy: Oh, aw shit. [the assistant closes the door]
Scene Description: South Park, day. The Marsh house. Cartman opens the front door and enters.
Cartman: [wearing a horse head mask] All right, it's clear. Bring him in. [Stan, wearing a pig head mask, and Kyle, wearing a rabbit head mask, pull Mr. Galtman inside]
Kenny: [wearing a pigeon head mask, using his Mysterion voice] Move your ass, Galtman!
Mr. Galtman: This is a violation of my rights.
Stan: Just shut up, and watch what someone posted on their Instagram!
Mr. Galtman: I most certainly will not! If you want me to look at the Internet, I will die first. It's fake news!
Kyle: [as Stan puts a tape into the VCR] That's why we had it transferred to VHS.
Mr. Galtman: Oh, VHS is fine.
Kenny: Take off his blindfold. [Kyle does so. Stan presses play, and the scene of Randy kicking the Native American to the curb is shown]
Mr. Galtman: Hmmm...
Scene Description: DNAandMe headquarters, night. Randy sneaks around the hallways of the place. He reaches the specimen room, faces the door, and pulls out a lock pick. He inserts the pick in the door lock to try to open it. The doctor and two lab workers walk up behind him.
DNA test administrator: Oh, Mr. Marsh.
Randy: Whoa, ha-hay. [turns around] How are you? [smiles nervously]
DNA test administrator: Good. Wha-what are you up to?
Randy: Chillin', chillin'.
DNA test administrator: Well, uhhh, we did get your DNA results back this morning. Would you like to go over them?
Randy: Oh, you did? Oh, great. Sure, why not? Uh, I'm here. Huh let's uh, let's do that.
Scene Description: The lab room, moments later
DNA test administrator: N'all right Mr. Marsh, here's your DNAandMe portfolio. [starts the presentation] This shows that we actually found a mix of a few things in you regional ancestry.
Randy: [jumps up and stands] Really? Like Native American? Like a, like a little bit?
DNA test administrator: Nno, we didn't find any trace of any Native American DNA in your test.
Randy: Nnnuts! [sits down]
DNA test administrator: But as you can see here [click], we found that you are about 43% Northern European, 37% Mediterranean, and 18% Southwest Asian. In fact, your genetic profile most closely matches [clicks] your standard Caucasian British person.
Randy: [sighing] Awww.
DNA test administrator: And, you might be interested to know that you're actually 2.8% Neanderthal, which is fairly high.
Randy: Neander-thal? What the hell is that about?
DNA test administrator: Well, the Neanderthals were actually a species that was wiped out by Homo sapiens.
Randy: Wiped out? All of my people?
DNA test administrator: Yes, but you see, because of some cross-breeding, some people like you still possess Neanderthal DNA. Isn't that interesting?
Randy: Cross-breeding? You mean rape. You're telling me that my ancestors were raped, and then eradicated by you? You maniacs! [kicks the chair out of the way] The earth wasn't big enough for Neanderthals, so your ancestors just got rid of them, huh?! Well TO HELL WITH ALL OF YOU!! [knocks over a tool cart and leaves]
Scene Description: The Marsh house, night. Randy pulls into his driveway and walks towards the house in a sad state. He goes inside, closes the door, and is surprised at what he sees. Mr. Galtman stands with the four boys near the dining room.
Mr. Galtman: Well well, Mr. Marsh. I'd like to have a word, please.
Randy: [walks up to him and punches him out with one blow] You find this funny, Galtman!
Mr. Galtman: What'd I do?
Randy: Nobody had the guts to tell me what happened to my people, huh? Get the hell out of here! [opens the front door and Bill is back]
Bill: I brought my parents over so you could meet them.
Randy: Waww God!
Bill: Don't worry. My parents are very okay and cool with us.
Stan: Who the hell is that?
Randy: Yeah, sure! Everyone gang up on the Neanderthal! Isn't it funny!
Bill: Randy, you must face who you are. Stop pretending, Randy. For once, just allow yourself to feel.
Randy: [moves away from the others] You're right. [Galtman stands up and they all look at Randy again] You're right. It's only now, when everyone is being so indigenous to me, that I realized... how indigenous I've been acting all along. I thought being a victim would solve all my problems. But being a victim has a down side too. [walks up to Galtman] Mr. Galtman, I haven't been honest. It's time for us all... to be honest.
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. A stage, mic, and podium have been prepared at the school entrance, and Randy is at the podium. Before him are the faculty, parents and students of the school.
Randy: What is a holiday? It's a day off work, yes. A day off school. But holidays are also meant to be a time to reflect. Today, I'm happy to announce that the school calendar committee is reinstating the day off. [the kids cheer] But instead of glorifying anyone, Let us make it a holiday about the negative feelings that we all sometimes feel. Say what we're really thinking so we can move on. And so, the second Monday in October will still be a holiday, but instead of Columbus Day, it will be for ripping on each other and tearing each other down. And we will call it Indigenous Peoples Day. For perhaps if we all do it at the same time, we won't be so indigenous the rest of the year. And since this is the second Monday of October, let's all embrace the new meaning of the holiday starting right now.
Dave: Do you even know what indigenous means, you freakin' idiot?!
Randy: That's the spirit, Dave. Come on, everybody, let's just all be totally indigenous. Come on!
Kurt: Who the hell let this guy talk to the school council?
Randy: Good one Kurt. Your wife's a whore. Come on, everyone! Indigenous People's Day! Let's go for it!
Woman 2: Shut up and get off the podium! [people begin to leave]
Randy: Okay, I will in a second, fatso. All right, who else? Come on! Get it out of your system! Happy Indigenous People's Day, everyone. Suck my asshole!


Scene Description: South Park, day. People are going about their business when a flash zips by, rustling everything near it.
Man 1: What on Earth was that?
Jimmy: [voice over] My name is Jimmy Valmer. [He zips around town, startling people here and there. Two boys playing basketball almost lose it when he zips by them] And I am very... [stops] f-f-fast. [General Medical Center, day] When I was born, my parents knew I was different.
Doctor: [handing baby Jimmy to his parents] I'm sorry, Mr. and Mrs. Valmer, your newborn son will never be able to walk. But he will be extremely good at comedy. [Sarah cries as she uncovers his face]
Baby Jimmy: [already with a mic in his hand] Wow! What a teh-t-teh-terrific audience. [Sarah sobs some more]
Scene Description: Chuckles Improv, night. Jimmy is working on his delivery.
Jimmy: [voice over] As I got older, my powers only increased.
Jimmy: [on stage] What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Woman 1: AAAAHHHH Help! [Jimmy zips away and returns moments later with a pickpocket tied up next to him]
Jimmy: Nacho cheese. [gets a round of applause]
Jimmy: [voice over] And now I look for others like me to fight crime as part of a superhero team. I am... Fas... Fastpass! [shown to be auditioning for a role in a superhero team headed by... The Coon. The current team members - Tupperware (Token), Mosquito (Clyde), The Coon (Cartman), Toolshed (Stan), Human Kite (Kyle), and Mysterion (Kenny) - clap approvingly]
Cartman: [The Coon] Okay, okay, thank you, Fastpass. What do you guys think?
Stan: We definitely don't have anyone with superhuman speed in our franchise.
Token: Fastpass, what makes you feel... qualified to be part of our cinematic universe?
Jimmy: Well, besides being super f-f-fa-fast, I also have a good attitude, and flexibility with my schedule on weekends.
Cartman: Fastpass, welcome to Coon and Friends. You are about to make a shitload of money.
Scene Description: Coon and Friends: Franchise Prequel. Cartman's basement, day. He has his team assembled and begins to brief them on his plans.
Cartman: Alright, superheros, it's time to lay out our plan of action. As you can see, I have divided the franchise plan into three phases. Phase 1 begins with The Coon Netflix series and goes through the Coon and Friends United movie, where we introduce Toolshed and The Human Kite. In Phase 2 we do Coon vs. Fastpass followed by an origin movie about Mosquito.
Clyde: Bzzz oh boy, I get my own origin movie, bzzz?
Cartman: That's right. It's in Phase 2 that we introduce Tupperware, our black superhero, like an ace in the hole.
Stan: Whoawhoa wait, how come we gotta start off with a Netflix series? Can't we just go right into movies?
Cartman: Netflix is starving for new shows right now, Toolshed. They will literally buy anything people pitch them. We need to strike while the iron's hot. Later in Phase 3 we can finally get to Civil War, where we will all- [the Coon alarm goes off and the boys look around]
Stan: What is it?
Kyle: Incoming Face Time call from Super Craig. [the boys leave their seats and gather around the monitor]
Cartman: Onscreen!
Craig: You guys, we have a big problem.
Cartman: What is it, Super Craig?
Craig: Somebody's messing with our Facebook page. They're spreading all these lies, saying we like, burn the American flag and pee in each other's mouths.
Stan: Spreading lies how?
Craig: Take a look. [holds up a picture of a mysterious boy and the Coon and Friends Facebook page] Someone is systematically targeting our Facebook followers and feeding them misinformation.
Cartman: Who would deliberately use Facebook in such a horribly reckless way?
Scene Description: Butter's room, a stormy night. He's on his computer looking at the Coon and Friends Facebook page, typing away and cackling.
Stephen: [opens the bedroom door to check in] Butters, you're not looking at boobies again, are you?
Butters: No Dad, I'm not looking at boobies. [Stephen closes the door and Butters waits a few second before cackling again] Waahahahahaha!
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Butters is switching out books in his locker as the four boys approach him. He closes his locker.
Cartman: Butters?!
Butters: Oh, hey fellas.
Cartman: Butters, are you using Facebook to fuck with our superhero franchise?
Butters: Uuuuuuummm, nope. [turns around and walks off, the others wait a second or two before catching up]
Stan: Butters? Butters!
Butters: [turns around] Yes, fellas?
Stan: Dude, listen. We don't have time for this. Right now, Netflix is buying any show that people pitch them. We have a real shot at starting our franchise, and you are a part of that franchise plan, okay? We have movies planned for the bad guy.
Butters: You mean like Suicide Squad?
Stan: Yes!
Butters: [in Stan's face] Suicide Squad sucked! [turns around and walks off again]
Kyle: Butters! Butters! You can't just make stuff up about us! [Butters turns around again] People are thinking it's true!
Butters: Look fellas, you have a right to be on Facebook and I have a right to be on facebook. And sometimes that's going to cause a little... [makes a fist and smirks] CHAOS. [looks mischievous and gets slick] Gotta get to classss.
Kyle: Dude, what a dick!
Cartman: If we don't find a way to stop him, we're never gonna make any money, you guys.
Scene Description: The Valmer residence, living room, day. The adults there are drinking coffee. Ryan Valmer addresses the other parents.
Ryan: Thanks for coming, everyone. I know you are all concerned as Sarah and I are about what's happening to our children.
Thomas: I just... can't believe that children in our town are dressing up in hero costumes and peeing in each other's mouths.
Randy: And who are these kids? Does anyone know? They're wearing capes and forcing objects into their own rectal cavities? Why?
Steve: We [referring to himself and Linda] were shocked to read that a young African-American boy is wearing Tupperware and defecating on girls while they sleep. What if those kids are hanging out with our kids?
Stephen: You know what I think the problem is? Facebook.
Randy: Facebook? How so?
Stephen: Well, look, we all know there's a lot of mixing of truth and fiction that's been on Facebook lately, and children lack the cognitive ability to determine what's true and what isn't on Facebook. That's why we now have young kids dressing up in costumes, eating poop, and having sex with antelopes in our town.
Thomas: Maybe we need to get our kids off of Facebook.
Randy: That'll never happen. You know what I say we do? Let's invite Mark Zuckerberg to come and talk to us all about our concerns in this community.
Linda: Do you really think he'd come?
Stephen: Why not give it a try? Let's invite Mark Zuckerberg here and see what he has to say? I'm sure he's a reasonable person. [takes a sip]
Scene Description: An abandoned Circuit City store, marked for lease. A boy walks towards it with a flyer in hand, He goes to a side door in the loading area and knocks.
Butters: [as Professor Chaos] Who are you?! What do you want?!
Adam: I'm here about the job? [points to the flyer]
Butters: Oh. Are you Adam? Well, come on in. [Adam walks in with Butters and Butters closes the door. Butters gives him a tour of the place] You're making a smart career choice, Adam. You see, what we do here is utilize Facebook not only to spread chaos, but to actually profit from it. You'll find the hours very reasonable and I'm working on getting full health and dental for all employees. [stops and gets a uniform off the shelves for Adam] Here's your company uniform. You see, what I've done, Adam, is build a completely self-sustaining Chaos machine [Adam exits the boys room as Chaos #28] - You look fantastic - doing nothing more than what Facebook was designed to do. I make money from Facebook for my fake content in order to pay Facebook to promote my fake stories. And thusly we're growing bigger every day. Everyone, can I have your attention please? [the other workers look towards them] We have a new agent in Chaos. Please welcome Adam Borque. [the others clap for him] Here you go. You can take this workstation, Adam. Just start writing horrible things about people and presenting it as reality on Facebook. Alright! Don't forget we have a Chaos quota, gang! Let's really fuck shit up! [the workers resume their work]
Scene Description: The school gym, day. A meeting is being held there: "Facebook in Your Community. Guest Speaker: Mark Zuckerberg".
Mr. Mackey: Uh, alright, can everyone hear me in the back? Hm'kay, we're gonna get started here. I know you all have a lot of questions, so without further ado, let me introduce Mark Zuckerberg. [Zuckerberg walks up] Thanks for coming, Mr. Zuckerberg.
Mark: [in a stilted manner. He speaks like this throughout the episode] Thank you. It is a great honor to be here amongst all of you. [immediately you can see his lips don't match his words]
Mr. Mackey: For those of you who don't know uh, could you tell us who you are?
Mark: I am the founder and chairman of Facebook. But I also have a shtoile that is completely unblockable.
Mr. Mackey: Okay, we'll let him speak and then we'll uh open the floor to some questions if there's time, thank you.
Mark: Thank you, right? [Mr. Mackey walks off] Alright, everyone here wants to see my shtoile. But first, what I'll need is a volunteer. Yes, you sir.
Man 2: Mr. Zuckerberg, Facebook has become a tool for some to disrupt our country and our community.
Mark: You say these things like they are my fault, and yet they are not.
Man 2: Well, you did create a platform with a monetary incentive for people to spread misinformation?
Mark: Ha ha ha ha ha! Now I see you're trying to use your shtoile over mine. Now, you try to block me. [assumes a fighting stance, puts his left palm out as far as it can go, and makes some odd sounds] Now you've learned that you cannot block me, yehhhs? [a woman raises her arm] Yes, what is your question?
Woman 2: [stands up] How are we supposed to keep our kids-? [he interrupts her with some more fighting stances and odd sounds, and she sits down]
Scene Description: Address 20802, day. Coon and Friends ring the doorbell there. A boy opens the door and looks at them.
Cartman: Wilson Aubrey?
Wilson: Yeah.
Cartman: It's us, your heroes, Coon and Friends. We're uhm, just wondering why you stopped following us on Instagram?
Wilson: Because you victimize innocent people and poop in little girls' mouths.
Cartman: That's not true, Wilson. We're Coon and Friends, not Harvey Weinstein.
Wilson: Facebook says it's true.
Cartman: But it's NOT true.
Wilson: But Facebook says it's true.
Cartman: [gets in his face] Okay, but it's NOT true, and you need to have your own fucking brain and decide shit for yourself!
Wilson: AAAAH! [shuts the door on Cartman, who's taken aback. Cartman turns around and leaves the house, and the other Coon Friends follow]
Cartman: God dammit! Let's just face it! We're never gonna have a superhero franchise!
Kyle: It's so unfair.
Jimmy: Come on, fellas. Wu-we can't let Butters win.
Cartman: Forget it, Fastpass. The world hates us now.
Stan: Yeah, nobody believes in us.
Jimmy: W-we believe in each other, don't we? [the others look at him] Who cares what everyone else thinks? I joined this franchise because I believe that it can make a lot of money. And being a superhero means you keep believing in that money, no matter how hard things get!
Cartman: Fastpass is right. We let all this distract us from what's important. We just need to get the Netflix series and let our superhero franchise speak for itself!
Kyle: Coon, everybody hates us.
Cartman: Maybe so, but we know who we are! We are Coon Friends because we care about each other. Because we have each other's back! And when things look their darkest, these heroes will stand together! [Heidi walks up behind him] And we'll-!
Heidi: Hey babe, what's up? [Cartman stands still a moment, then deflates. Several seconds later he sighs heavily a couple of times, closes his eyes, sniffle and groans, and puts his right hand over his right eye. He's at a loss for words as Heidi's smile fades] What are you up to?
Cartman: [soft voice] Nothing, just fucking wearing sweet costumes and talking about fighting evil, is that okay?
Heidi: I just- I thought we were meeting at the park. You didn't text or anything.
Cartman: [soft voice, to himself] Oh my God, are you fucking kidding me right now?
Heidi: Sorry! I won't interrupt! [turns around and walks off, Cartman watches her walk off with a concerned look on his face, then turns back to the other Coon Friends and continues his speech]
Cartman: Because we are Coon and Friends, and as long as we have each other, we can do anything!
Scene Description: The Tweak residence, day. Richard and his wife pull into their driveway, leave the car, and head for the front door.
Richard: I swear, that was the worst public speaker I've ever seen. What was Mark Zuckerberg's point?
Mrs. Tweak: I don't even understand what that was about.
Richard: Guess nobody realized that Mark Zuckerberg was such a penis.
Scene Description: The living room. The Tweaks enter and find Zuckerberg on their sofa eating a bowl of chips.
Richard: What the hell?
Mrs. Tweak: It's Mark Zuckerberg.
Richard: I know who it is! [to Zuckerberg] Excuse me, what are you doing here?!
Mark: I was invited here by people.
Richard: We invited you to come speak to our community about our problems!
Mark: [assumes a fighting stance] Ah, I see what you did there. Trying to block me, riiight? I'm tired of eating chips. What else is there? [makes his way to the kitchen and opens the refrigerator]
Richard: Hey! Get out of our fridge!
Mark: Ha ha ha, this puny refrigerator could not block me. What makes you think you can?
Richard: Now you listen here! I will not-! [Zuckerberg puts up his left arm and holds it out as if creating a force field for blocking]
Mark: Ha ha ha ha, you are no match for my shtoile.
Scene Description: The supermarket parking lot, day. The Stotches reach their car and get in. As they buckle up, Mark jumps into the back seat.
Mark: So, where are we headed? Perhaps we should get some food.
Stephen: What, eh. Excuse me, this is our car?!
Mark: You call this a car? It wasn't even remotely able to block me. What is this car's shtoile?
Stephen: Get, get out of here, ya penis.
Mark: Ha ha ha ha. You say I am a penis and yet I am not a penis.
Scene Description: Netflix corporate offices, day. In a room full of telephone operators, one of them takes a call.
Operator 1: Netflix, you're greenlit. Who am I speaking with?
Cartman: [from home] Uh yes, hello. We have an idea for a show that we think would be great for Netflix.
Operator 1: Okay, great. Would you like a pilot or just go straight to an order of six episodes?
Cartman: We'd like to go right into six episodes with a pickup option at the end of three.
Operator 1: Got it. Can you start shooting next month?
Operator 2: Got a show about transsexual dragons here.
Cartman: Yes. We are ready to start right now. We are very, very excited.
Operator 1: Okay, sounds great, we'll send you the contracts. Oh, and uh, what's the show about?
Cartman: It's a stand-alone series about a superhero called the Coon before he joins Coon and Friends.
Operator 1: Coon and Friends? You mean, the kids I just read about in the news who stabbed Jessica Alba?
Cartman: Look, you didn't, you didn't read that on the news you read that on Facebook!
Stan: Aw man, here we go.
Operator 1: Yeah, ah, dangit, we've never done this before, but I'm afraid I'm gonna have to pass on your show.
Cartman: Listen to me! There are falsehoods about us on Facebook that are NOT TRUE!
Operator 1: Well then, you should have those things taken down. It can't be that hard.
Cartman: It's a lot harder than you think!
Operator 1: L-look, we'd love to approve your show, but you need to get those things cleared up first, okay? Thanks for calling. [hangs up and takes the next call] Netflix, you're greenlit. Who am I speaking with?
Scene Description: Coutnry Kitchen Buffet, evening. As an elderly couple eats dinner, Zuckerberg walks up tp them, sits down and takes the man's soup bowl without asking, and starts eating.
Elderly Man: What the? Who are you?
Elderly Woman: I believe that's Mark Zuckerberg.
Elderly Man: Hey that's my soup!
Mark: [rises into a fighting stance] So, you are trying to block me, huh? That's fine. What's your shtoile?
Elderly Man: I don't have a shtoile.
Scene Description: The Valmer residence, day. Ryan is in the master bathroom brushing his teeth. He finishes and walks back into the bedroom, where he finds Zuckerberg eating chips in his bed.
Ryan: Hey! Get out of my bed!
Mark: I was invited here. I am only making use of a bed for sleeping, yehhhs?
Ryan: We just wanted you to come share your insights on Facebook!
Mark: [makes some strange motions and sounds] Oh, my head, my head. [makes more strange motions and sounds] You should have worked with me when you had the chance. Now you lie over there, dead.
Scene Description: The abandoned Circuit City store, day. Inside, Butters looks down from the second floor at his working staff.
Butters: Attention employees. Kelly Shmidt has just written her 100th fake blog post that was shared over a thousand times on Facebook. Let's hear it for Kelly! [the staffers clap] Don't forget about those Chaos incentives! You too can benefit from pandemonium. [smiles. Coon and Friends show up and walk through the front doors]
Cartman: Butters!
Adam: Whoa no, it's Coon and Friends! [he and the other staffers hide under their desks]
Chaos #35: Oh no!
Butters: Calm down, everyone. Stick to your work. I will deal with these trespassers.
Kyle: We're here to put an end to you, Chaos!
Cartman: Yeah! I don't have buttsex with antelopes and Token doesn't poop in girls' mouths!
Butters: It's the 21st century, gentlemen! There's nothing illegal about what I'm doing.
Jimmy: Yeah? Nothing illegal about us kicking your ah...ass either.
Butters: Actually, that IS illegal. And besides, you can't do anything to me. [whistles. Zuckerberg emerges from the back of the store on the second floor, flips over the balcony, and lands in front of Butters]
Mark: Bwaaaaaa! So, this is the Coon and Friends that you have told me about. [to the Coon Friends] I warn you, my fighting shtoile is unsurpassed.
Jimmy: Who the ss-Sam Hell is th-that?
Clyde: I think that's Mark Zuckerberg.
Mark: You want to get to Butters, riiight? You're gonna have to get through me, huuuh?!
Stan: Dude, this kid is deliberately lying about us on your platform for no other reason than to cause harm! Why are you protecting him?!
Mark: Simple. He paid me $17.23.
Butters: It's the Facebook Safeguard program. Just $17 monthly gets you personal protection from Mark Zuckerberg.
Mark: Come on! What's your shtoile?
Scene Description: The Park County Police Station, day. The townsfolk are gathered in front of it, protesting. Sgt. Yates begins to speak.
Sgt. Yates: Alright, alright, everyone calm down! I can't hear over all of you. [the crowd quiets down]
Stephen: You have to do something! This guy's goin' around acting like everyone's stuff is his!
Thomas: I'm sick of getting out of the shower to find Mark Zuckerberg sitting on my toilet!
Steve: Zuckerberg ate everything in our freezer and then helped himself to my wife's lubricant! [the crowd begins to clamor again]
Sgt. Yates: Alright, everyone, I just want to know one thing. Who invited him here? [the crowd falls silent] Come on. Who invited Mark Zuckerberg to town in the first place? [the folks hang their head in shame]
Randy: We did. [other townsmen say the same thing]
Sgt. Yates: Huh? What's that?
Randy: We invited Mark Zuckerberg to town.
Sgt. Yates: Uh huh, that's what I thought. You all brought Mark Zuckerberg into your lives and now you want the police to shoot him.
Stephen: Please, you don't understand! He-h he's such a penis!
Thomas: Yeah, and I'm pretty sure his voice is dubbed and he does all his own sound effects.
Sgt. Yates: Well that doesn't mean he's done anything illegal. Now, the police will help deal with Mark Zuckerberg, but we aren't going to shoot him.
The crowd: Awwwwww!
Sgt. Yates: I'm sorry, that's just the way it is. You all should've thought harder about this before letting him into your lives.
Scene Description: Cartman's basement, day. Coon and Friends are gathered around the Coon table waiting.
Cartman: When we all became superheroes, we took an oath. that no matter what it took, we would all make shitloads of money. But thanks to Mark Zuckerberg, right now, we are a superhero group that can't even get a show on Netflix.
Kenny: Zuckerberg is the key. He's the only person who can shut down Facebook.
Kyle: How are we gonna get him to do that?
Cartman: We're gonna beat him at his own game.
Scene Description: South Park, day, one end of town. The police have set up a roadblock consisting of four police cars, a fire truck, and an ambulance.
Barkley: We got the west entrance to town secure. How are you guys doing out east?
Foley: Here he comes... [looks left and walks towards the roadblock. Zuckerberg walks towards town slowly]
Barkley: Okay, Mr. Zuckerberg, that's gonna have to be it. Can't let you into town.
Mark: So, you think you can block me.
Barkley: Look, people don't want you here, okay? This is a quiet little town and-
Mark: Ha ha ha! You cannot block me!
Barkley: But there's plenty of other places you could go, sir. Can you please just- [Zuckerberg strikes some poses and makes some odd sounds] Don't, don't do that, please.
Mark: [continues making strange sounds and begins moving through the roadblock] My brain, my brain. [more strange sounds]
Barkley: He walked though.
Mark: [more strange sounds] Oh my car, my car. [more strange sounds and motions] Oh my God it's Mark Zuckerberg. [more strange sounds and motions] Oh my God how'd he do that? [more strange sounds and motions. Jimmy zooms across the street behind him. He turns around, and Jimmy passes by three more times behind him]
Jimmy: What's the matter? Too f-fast for ya?
Mark: Ha ha ha, you saw me walk right through the police barricade and yet you think you can block me, riiight? Go ahead and try. [Jimmy walks up to him and between his legs to the other side. Both of them are making their own sound effects]
Token: [jumps into view] Now, Zuckerberg! Let me see you block my shtoile!
Mark: Ha ha ha ha ha! [they both make their own sound effects and move around]
Kyle: [appeaers and approaches Zuckerberg] Bwa! Dadadadadadadada bam! [punches him in the groin]
Mark: Oh... [falls over his his hands over his privates. The other Coon Friends rush in and kick him on all sides] Hagh. Ow. I have never witness this shtoile before.
Thomas: Hey look! The freaky costume kids are getting Zuckerberg! Get him, kids!
Randy: Poop in his mouth!
Mark: [Zuckerberg stands up and throws them all off. He then takes on Jimmy, Kyle, and Token individually and defeats them] Rwaaaar!
Coon Friends: [hitting the ground] Aaaah!
Mark: Ha ha ha, you tried to match my shtoile and failed!
Cartman: [walks into view] Oho, it is over! My friends are all beaten! Why?! They were just children! [walks up to Token] This one, simply protesting for black lives! [walks up to Jimmy] And this child tryin' to speak out for handicapped people!
Jimmy: Wha- Why, Mark Zuckerberg??
Cartman: And my friend Kyle, guilty of nothing but standing up for the rights of Jews!
Mark: What what what what are you talking about?
Cartman: [whispers triumphantly] Ever heard of Facebook Live? [Mark doesn't follow, but Craig is shown in an alley recording this encounter onto his laptop. He waves at Cartman. Cartman turns toward the camera] We are just kids trying to have our voices heard for black, handicapped, and Jewish rights, cut down in our prime by Mark Zuckerberg.
Mark: But, but hold on, that, that's not true.
Cartman: [triumphantly turns around] Facebook says it's true.
Mark: Noooooooo! [quickly checks his phone]
Scene Description: At Chaos City, Butters' lair, the workstations stop working.
Workers: Huh? Hey. What? Huh?
Butters: What's goin' on? Hey everyone, keep working!
Worker 1: We can't.
Worker 2: Something's wrong with Facebook.
Adam: It's gone. Like, somebody shut it down.
Butters: What are you talking about? [a door is heard shut]
Cartman: It's over, Chaos! [shown with the other Coon Friends] We forced your little toady to shut down his own disorder device!
Butters: Curse you, Coon and Friends! This isn't over!
Stan: Oh yes it is. [Behind Coon and Friends, Butters' parents enter the abandoned store]
Stephen: Butters! You're the one who started all this?!
Butters: Uh oh.
Scene Description: The Kremlin, day. It's snowing there. Stephen drags Butters along as they talk over each other.
Stephen: You think you're just so smart, don't you?! Make me look like a fool, will you?! We'll just see about this!
Butters: Wah. No sir, I, ah. No sir, I just ah.
Scene Description: The Kremlin, inside. Stephen drags Butters into Vladimir Putin's office.
Stephen: Not so funny now, is it?! Go on! Tell Mr. Putin what you told me!
Butters: Well I was just, uh, well, I just said how I just used Facebook like Russia did. And I really didn't break any rules.
Stephen: Didn't break any rules?! Good job teaching our children that's all that matters! Just because there's a way to cause chaos in a town, or disrupt an entire country, doesn't mean you go and do it, does it?! If Mark Zuckerberg points a loaded cannon at someone's face, [points at Putin] are you innocent for just lighting the fuse?! Answer me!
Putin: Nyet, ser. ["No, sir."]
Stephen: No! You don't go around making things up about people either! Unless it's about Mark Zuckerberg, because he deserves it! [walks towards the door] I hope you're both very satisfied with the damage you've caused, because you're both GROUNDED! [leaves and slams the door]
Scene Description: Cartman's basement, day. The Coon and Friends are reunited there once again.
Cartman: Coon friends, we have done it. Facebook is gone, and Netflix approved our TV show. All we have to do now is agree on the final draft of the franchise plan. [shown once again, with some changes] You can see that the Super Craig movie now precedes the Coon vs. Super Craig movie, followed by Mysterion's video game. And then we-
Kenny: How come I have to have the video game? I want a movie too!
Cartman: You have a movie, Mysterion. You're in the third Coon and Friends United movie [Coon and Friends United 3], after your video game.
Craig: Yeah, but he's saying he doesn't ever get his own movie.
Jimmy: Do I get my own movie?
Cartman: Not everyone gets their own movie!
Tweek: This franchise plan sucks!
Clyde: Oh Jesus, here we go again.
Stan: No, Wonder Tweek is right. It was better when we started the movies off with the Tupperware prequel.
Kyle: Dude you can't do a prequel first.
Stan: Why not?
Kyle: 'Cause then it's not a prequel, it's just... first. And besides, Tupperware isn't our strongest character.
Token: Fuck you, it's better than the Human Kite!
Kenny: He just likes this plan because he gets two movies in Phase 1.
Cartman: Guys! We have to just go with this plan! We don't even have one movie yet!
Stan: You go with the plan! Maybe we'll just... go and do our own franchise!
Kenny: Yeah!
Tweek: Yeah!
Cartman: Oh! You want civil war! Is that what you want?!
Stan: Yeah dude, civil war. Fuck you! [leaves the table and the basement]
Cartman: Oh fu- oh fuck you! Get out of my house!
Kenny: We'll make WAY more money on OUR franchise! [Token and Tweek leave, then Kenny leaves]
Cartman: Go ahead! I bet you don't even get halfway through Phase 1 on your franchise, DC Comics! [after Kenny leaves, the door closes. A few seconds of silence follows]
Craig: I thought Civil War wasn't supposed to happen until Phase 3.
Cartman: Shut up, Super Craig.


Scene Description: A children's party, day, "Happy Birthday, Marcus!". As the kids have a blast, a parent walks up on stage. which has an electric guitar off to one side. Butters swings at a piñata blindfolded. Wendy and Nelly jump around in the bounce house.
Marcus' Dad: Okay, okay, can everyone hear me? [taps on the mic to make sure it works] Hello? [the kids quiet down a bit] Thanks, everyone, for helping us celebrate Marcus' birthday. [the kids clap for him] As a special birthday surprise for you, Marcus, we got you your favorite entertainer. Everyone, please welcome Chuck E. Cheese. [A Chuck E. Cheese mascot stumbles onto the stage]
Chuck E. Cheese: Hey. [hits his snout on the mic] Check.
Marcus: [laughs as the other kids cheer] Yes. Yehehehehes.
Chuck E. Cheese: [hits his snout on the mic again, pics up a guitar, and begins to play it as he sings] I ah thanks... for'm celeb... Marcus's birthday.
Marcus' Mom: What's wrong with him?
Marcus' Dad: Can't you tell? He's high on painkillers!
Chuck: [stumbles some more and mumbles] Hold on. [strums] Shit. Okay, let's... do this... [Strums] Never meant to cause you any so- [barfs on stage, falls forward onto the ground in front of the stage and dies. Marcus screams]
Scene Description: Marcus' front lawn, later. The kids and Marcus' dad look on as Chuck is loaded onto the gurney and put into the ambulance.
Marcus' Dad: All right, kids, uh, why don't we head back to the party and cut the cake?
Marcus: I don't want cake! Who's gonna eat cake at a time like this?! [wails. A paramedic closes the back doors of the ambulance as a police officer stands watch]
Officer Stevens: Another drug overdose?
Johnson: [the paramedic, hands the officer two medications] Most likely. Percolate and Oxycontin found wrapped in his cheesecloth.
Officer Stevens: Prescription drugs, but with no prescription.
Johnson: You guys know where all these illegal meds are coming from?
Officer Stevens: Most likely from the prisons. Whenever there's a drug epidemic you can usually trace it back to people who've been... thrown away by society and forgotten about.
Scene Description: Shady Acres Retirement Community, day. A rap song plays - "Stress" by Continental Five. All day I sat in my cell Just stressin', sittin' back, readin' my mail Reminiscin' about the good times I had Tryin' to relive all the good memories I have Hate the sound it makes when they close the gates Wake up at 6 to eat Nasty cornflakes - The residents look sad and bored. A couple of elderly men play poker. A line of elderly people move along as the cooks serve up their meals in a cafeteria line - one man tries to scoop some mashed potatoes from another man's tray, the other man swats the first man's spoon away. Another elderly man puts the finishing touches on a Hummel tattoo on another man's arm. The front door opens and Stan enters with a present.
Vicky: [receptionist] Can I help you?
Stan: Yeah, I'm here to visit my grandpa?
Vicky: [puts her hand over her heart] Oh, how nice of you. All right, arms in the air. [two burly men approach Stan. One, Tony, takes the present and hands it to Vicky, the other, Toby, wands Stan. Vicky opens the package] What's the present?
Stan: It's just some Hummels.
Vicky: More Hummels? Why are senior citizens so infatuated with these little German statues? All right, go on, you got ten minutes. [Tony hands the present back to Stan, who goes on in]
Scene Description: The rap picks up where it left off. - they call you in the mornin' and you gotta get up Play dice. Old-timers gonna teach you 'bout life. Get religious, start readin' 'bout Christ. Pray to God. Feels like I'm livin' in Hell But I'm stuck in a cell. Stan walks down the hallway, passing elderly people standing in the doorways to their rooms until he reaches Marvin's room, then enters it.
Stan: Grandpa?
Marvin: [looking out the window, turns to see him] Billy! [turns around and wheels towards him] Finally you're here to visit. Did you bring Grandpa a present?
Stan: [gives Marvin the present] Yeah, I got what you wanted. [Marvin wheels away to his desk, where he opens the present.]
Marvin: Awww, Merry Wanderer [The Hummel with yellow umbrella and bowler hat] and Happy Traveler? [The Hummel with bindle and feather in its cap] These Hummels suck!
Stan: That's what the guy gave me.
Marvin: It's okay, Billy. I'm just gonna need you to deliver another one of Ms. McGullicutty's crochet pillows.
Stan: Aw, come on, Grandpa. Isn't it enough I come to visit?
Marvin: You don't understand how it works in here. Ms. McGullicutty is top bitch. You do what she says, or you pay the price.
Scene Description: Another rap song plays - "Brick in Yo' Face" by Stitches. Now whatcha gonna do with it? Now whatcha gonna do with it? Now whatcha gonna do with it? Better have my money when I come to collect. (when I come to collect, when I come to collect) Better have my money when I come to collect. (Pay up, pay up, pay up) I put that brick in yo' face {Say what?} Now whatcha gonna do with it? Now whatcha gonna do with it? Now whatcha gonna do with it? Ms. McGullicutty walks down the hallway with two other women. The other residents cower in fear as the three women pass their doors.
Elderly Man 1: Oh, please, uh I don't want no trouble. [the three women enter his room] I'm sorry. I'll get better Hummels.
Scene Description: Downtown South Park, day. Stan waits at a corner with the crochet pillow. A car passes by. Cartman, Kyle, and Kenny walk up behind him.
Kyle: Dude, Stan. Come on, dude, we're gonna go set off fireworks at Kenny's house.
Stan: I will. I just gotta do this for my grandpa first.
Cartman: Again? Dude, how many crappy crochet pillows do you have to give out for him?
Stan: I don't know. It's what he wants. I feel bad for him, all right? I think he's miserable.
Cartman: He's old. He's supposed to be miserable.
Stan: Look, I just gotta make this exchange for him and then we can go. Oh, oh, I think this is her now. [a red fox with blue gloves and mask prances over]
Swiper: Are you Stan Marsh? It's me, Swiper.
Stan: Cool. Do you have the Hummel?
Swiper: [looks around, then reaches into her tote bag and pulls one out] This is it. Ride Into Christmas, Limited Edition. Now give me the pillow. I have to get to a birthday party.
Stan: 'Kay, fine. [makes the exchange, and Swiper shakes the pillow until she's satisfied]
Swiper: All right, peace. [prances away]
Kyle: Dude, that's really weird.
Stan: Old people love Hummels, dude.
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, cafeteria. Marcus, standing next to a projector screen, addresses everyone in the cafeteria.
Marcus: Students, faculty, and staff, today we are facing an epidemic of catastrophic proportions. I know I am not alone in mourning the loss of one of our greatest entertainers, [click. A picture comes up on the projector screen] Chuck E. Cheese. Had we known the personal hell he was going through, perhaps we could've helped. But toooo many were more than eager to supply Chuck E. with the opioids that caused his untimely death. Chuck E. was not the first entertainer to die from this epidemic. Let us not forget Dinkie Dook the Clown [shown with an accordion], dead of a Roxanol overdose at Tommy Schneider's bar mitzvah last March. Shimmer and Shine [two genies], who both collapsed from massive amounts of oxycodone at Nelly Anderson's birthday party. Spider-man, cut down in prime by Demerol, and just recently, Swiper the Fox. dead of multiple opioids found in his crochet pillow. How many more entertainers must we lose before we take action?! It is time to declare war on opioids in our society! [the kids cheer and clap as Stan Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny are shocked at what they just heard]
Scene Description: The boys' bathroom, later. Stan runs in, quickly followed by Cartman, Kyle, and Kenny.
Cartman: Dude, what the fuck, Stan?!
Stan: I don't know, all right?!
Kyle: You didn't know you were slinging drugs for your grandpa?
Stan: It didn't occur to me as a possibility.
Cartman: Dude, did you hear everyone in school?! They're coming after you! You killed Swiper the Fox, and we were standing there with you! You gotta tell people we had no idea what was going on!
Stan: I had no idea what was going on!
Butters: [walks in and goes to the urinal] Hey fellas! [smiles and looks at them, then turns around and drops his pants and briefs, then lifts up his shirt and pees in the urinal] Boy, that Marcus kid is on the warpath, huh? Well, he's really motivated. I mean, screw that kid, but I guess it's good somebody's finally doing something about these goddamn drug dealers. [Butters finishes, flushes the urinal, zips up, and turns towards the other boys and looks at them again, smiling] Well, see ya, fellas. [turns left and walks out. The other boys haven't moved an inch the whole time he was there]
Cartman: Our only way out is to go to the police right now and turn Stan's grandpa in!
Stan: No, we don't have to do that! Let me talk to him. I can put a stop to this.
Scene Description: The retirement home, day. Stan is visiting Marvin again. They're eating lunch together.
Stan: [whispering] Grandpa, what the hell have you gotten me into?!
Marvin: [whispering] Shhh, quiet. They'll hear you!
Stan: There were drugs in the crochet pillow, weren't there?! Do you know people are dying?!
Marvin: What do you want me to do, Billy? You see Ms. McGullicutty over there? [she's shown tripping a man as he walks to a table with his lunch and chuckling to herself] Whoever has the best Hummel collection is top bitch in this place, and she's got the best. She's ruthless, and she has those old lady farts. You know old lady farts, right? Where they're so loose they don't even acknowledge they happened?
Ms. McGullicutty: Oh, hello Mr. Marsh. [pfffft]
Marvin: Oh, Ms. McGullicutty. How are you feeling today?
Ms. McGullicutty: I'm doing very well. [turns her back to him and farts again] Have they given you Percocet for that knee of yours? [pfffft]
Marvin: Oh, yeah, here, I I just got it, huh. Here you go. [hands her the Percocet]
Ms. McGullicutty: Oh, you'd almost think you were trying to keep them from me. [pfffft]
Stan: Oh, uh, ma'am? My grandpa actually really needs those drugs. He's in a lot of pain.
Ms. McGullicutty: Ohhh, and who's this little rascal? [walks around to Stan's chair and looks over his shoulder]
Marvin: That's my grandson, uh he he's worthless.
Ms. McGullicutty: How sweet. [pfffft] Hmmm, coming to visit your old poppa in the joint, huh? You love your poppa, don't you? [pfffft. Stan winces] You'd hate to see him suffer even more he already is. [slow, soft pfffft. Stan avoids looking at her and winces again. Now she addresses Marvin] You watch your ass, Marsh, or I'll have you sent to the quiet room. [pfffft. She turns right and walks away, hitting a man with her can on the way out]
Stan: What, what is she talking about? What's the quiet room?
Marvin: I told you, she has all the pull in here. You go against what she says, you end up in solitaire.
Scene Description: The solitaire room, moments later. Toby and Tony bring in one of the residents to the solitaire table and sit him down.
Mr. Standish: No! No, please, uh I didn't do anything!
Tony: It's all right, Mr. Standish, you just need a little quiet time.
Mr. Standish: Uh, I don't even know how to play solitaire. Please! [they lock him up and leave]
Scene Description: The Park County Coroner's office, day. Marcus approaches and enters the lobby.
Marcus: I understand that today they are performing Chuck E. Cheese's autopsy?
Receptionist: Oh, the kids' party performer. Yeah.
Marcus: As a concerned member of the public, I wish to be present.
Receptionist: Uh, sorry, children aren't really allowed in autopsies.
Marcus: Then I shall wait here to learn the coroner's findings.
Scene Description: The forensics lab, moments later. Chuck E. Cheese is on a bed covered in a sheet. A police officer stands by the entrance.
Coroner: Toxicology reports show subject had massive amounts of opioids in system at time of death. Now proceeding. [he and his assistant pull the sheet off and the coroner begins to saw the performer's mask off. The officer begins to feel sick. The mask is finally removed, and the officer vomits]
Scene Description: The lobby, moments later. The coroner enters with a bag of trash.
Coroner: Have these put in the garbage.
Marcus: What did you find, coroner?
Coroner: Who is this?
Marcus: There is an epidemic in our community, sir. Some of us actually care to confront the problem! Now, dammit, what did you find?
Coroner: Nothing out of the ordinary. The subject died of a simple overdose. We found nothing else except for two Hummmels in the subject's rectal cavity.
Marcus: Hummels? In his rectal cavity, you say? And you do not find this out of the ordinary?
Coroner: Not at all. We found Hummels in nearly all the birthday entertainers' anal cavities. It's very common in our overdose victims.
Marcus: Mmmm, a bit too common, don't you think?
Scene Description: The Marsh house, dinner. The family is eating dinner. Shelly just looks at her food, lost in thought.
Stan: Guys, why does Grandpa have to be in a nursing home? Can't he live with us again?
Randy: Stan, Grandpas has a lot of needs that we can't provide him here. He needs professional supervision.
Stan: Is that really it? Because I, I just feel like we kind of threw Grandpa away and forgot about him.
Randy: Oh really? Do you have any idea how much money we pay to have Grandpa in that place? Your grandpa is stylin'! Can you imagine being able to just sit around all day and not have to do anything but eat and watch TV?
Stan: Yeah. I'd probably go crazy and wanna kill myself.
Randy: Jesus, Stan! It's not like he's in jail!
Stan: Yeah, it's kind of like jail. You should go visit him.
Randy: I can't! I'm too busy busting my ass to pay the bills for that place, and to pay for your guitar lessons!
Stan: I don't have guitar lessons.
Randy: I don't want to go there. It's depressing. Aw you tricked me.
Stan: [his phone rings and he answers] Hello?
Kyle: [at the downtown corner with Butters] Dude! Did you give Butters a crochet pillow to drop off?!
Stan: [quickly leaves the table] Dude, I don't have a choice. I have to get the Hummels for my grandpa.
Kyle: Well, you need to get Hummels without making Butters a drug dealer!
Butters: Drug dealer??
Stan: All right, all right! I think I know another way.
Scene Description: Shady Acres Retirement Community, day. A different rap song plays - "They Got Me Locked Up In Here" by Killer Mike. As it does, the folllowing happens. Toby wheels a man down the hallway, then changes a woman's bed pan. A cook serves up mashed potatoes to a resident and spills some of it outside his tray. A doctor gives a resident some pills, and that resident turns and gives them to Ms. McGullicutty. Other residents line up and do the same. Ms. McGullicutty and her two friends sew the meds into crochet pillows and pass them out to the residents. A resident gives one to her granddaughter, who takes it. An elderly man is working out with small barbells. A resident is in his room looking at his small Hummel collection. The fake plant and mini waterfall are shown. The doctor returns to give another resident five medications. The resident who gave her pillow to her granddaughter says goodbye to her and her parents, then goes back inside with Nurse Lisa. Ms. McGullicutty adds more Hummels to her display case. Stan is at the toy store buying more Hummels. Stan is shown watching the Hummel Shopping Network and purchasing more Hummels over the phone as his friends watch from the sofa. Tony and Toby process Stan again and send him in. Stan gives Marvin a new Hummel. Ms. McGullicutty walks down the hallway with her friends again. Next, Marisol goes over the October activities with the residents. Next the residents go on a tour bus. Next, a kids choir sings for them. Next, canasta is shown. Next, a family says bye to their grandpa and leave. A female resident is wheeled into the hospice section of the retirement community. They got me locked up in here. They got me locked up in here. And I'm sittin' doin' hard time. Pissin' in a metal bowl, eat shit from a lunch line (They got me locked up) And here nobody knows you by your name. You're just a number livin' under bitch-ass rules of a broken game. They put me here to die, left me angry and alone. For the crime of bein' old they threw me in this nursin' home. They got me locked up in here. Rottin' in my cell They got me- Fake plants and waterfalls, it's a livin' hell. They got me locked up in here. So they can throw away their troubles. They got me- All that I have now are my little German Hummels! Hummels! Hummels! Hummels! They got me- Brand new bitch was just admitted next do'. Hot piece of ass 'cause she's only eighty fo'. Next bingo night I'll pound that pussy black and blue. As long as I can get her before Tommy's grandpa do. They got me- Man I can't handle these old people activities. Tour group on a bus. Children come to sing to us. 3 pm canasta, they put me out to pasture. Death row? stop this! I think they call it Hospice Hospice, hospice, hospice.
Delivery man: Hey, we have this week's delivery of medications.
Vicky: Bring them in. [the delivery man goes outside and motions for a truck driver to back up and dump the medications. The truck backs up and dumps the meds onto the asphalt at the community's entrance, then rolls away. Stan has walked up to the community entrance and watches the truck leave]
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Stan is at his locker getting his books. He closes is and finds Marcus looking at him.
Stan: Ah!
Marcus: Hello, Mr. Marsh.
Stan: Uh hey, hey Marcus.
Marcus: I understand you've become quite the Hummel collector lately. What's the... fascination with Hummels?
Stan: Nothing. I-look, I, I just really like Hummels, okay? I'm just, I'm really into Hummels.
Marcus: Ah! I see. So then you should be able to tell me what this Hummel is called!
Stan: That, that's uh...
Marcus: Come on! If you're a Hummel expert, then you should know its name!
Stan: That, it's, it's "Whistling In The Rain."
Marcus: Wrong! It's called "Stormy Weather!" Do you know where it was found?
Stan: No.
Marcus: It was found deep in the anus of one Chuck E. Cheese, the renowned entertainer beloved by millions! If you know something about the epidemic that is killing artists, you'd better cough it up!
Stan: Marcus, trust me. You don't wanna get involved.
Marcus: I became involved when Chuck E. Cheese collapsed like a rag doll before my very eyes! If you had any involvement, I will bring you down!
Scene Description: Shady Acres, day. Randy and Sharon visit Marvin. Seems they've been silent for a while.
Randy: Well, it's really great seeing you, Dad. Guess we oughtta hit the road soon.
Marvin: You finally come to visit and leave after 10 minutes?
Randy: Aw Jesus, now we know where Stan gets his guilt trips from!
Mrs. McGullicutty: [appears at Marvin's door] Mmmm [Marvin looks over his shoulder], it seems somebody's been a little naughty lately. [pfffft]
Marvin: [turns a bit to see her] Oh, Ms. McGullicutty, heh heh. How are you?
Mrs. McGullicutty: [walks over to Marvin's meager Hummel collection] Hrrmm. My, what a lovely Hummel collection you're starting to amass. [sniffs] Almost smells [pfffft]... brand new, doesn't it? [pfft. She turns to face Marvin] Like it was purchased right from the factory. [pfffft] Ooooo! And who are these lovely people? [walks up to Randy and Sharon] Family that came to visit, no doubt? [pfft]
Randy: [holding his breath] Yes. Yeah, we love coming here.
Mrs. McGullicutty: Ah, family. I remember when I was a little girl. [pfffft] My brother used to play such tricks on me. [pfft-pfft] Tried to fool me. Tried to get out from his responsibilities. [pfffft]
Marvin: I'm giving you Hummels. What's it matter where they came from? [Mrs. McGullicutty farts again]
Mrs. McGullicutty: [chuckles] Nooo, [Randy covers his nose] it doesn't matter to me. But it matters to them. [pfffft] The big guys. You see, what they want is more people who are addicted to crochet pillows. [pfffft] Got it? [pfffft. She makes her way towards the door] Nice to meet you fine folks. [pfffft]
Randy: Wugh. [whispers to Sharon] We're never visiting here again.
Scene Description: Kyle's house. Cartman and Butters are playing a video game as Kyle and Kenny watch. Butters reacts as if he's a goner.
Cartman: Ohooo, you're dead Butters.
Butters: Haw Jeez.
Stan: [runs in] Guys! Guys, I need your help.
Cartman: If it has to do with your heroin operation, count us out.
Stan: I just talked to my grandpa. There's more at work here than just old people pushing pills.
Kyle: Stan, we told you we don't wanna be involved.
Stan: [stands in front of the TV] The head bitch of the nursing home is gonna take my grandpa down. Maybe my whole family.
Butters: [trying to see the game] Get out of the way, dude!
Stan: But I know what to do! Whoever has the best Hummels controls the nursing home. We've gotta steal this lady's Hummel collection and give it to my grandpa!
Cartman: [walks up to Stan] Dude, Stan, even if we wanted to help you, which we don't, there's no way we can sneak into an old folks home, distract all the old people, and take an old lady's Hummels! [turns to the left with a thought and walks off] Oh wait, there totally is a way we could do that.
Stan: [catches up] Yeah? What ih, what is it, Cartman.
Kyle: Dude, we're not getting involved!
Stan: Cartman, if you have an idea, please tell me. I need you.
Cartman: I know how to distract old people.
Kyle: Haww shit!
Scene Description: Marcus's house, living room. A cordless phone rings, and Marcus answers it.
Marcus: Yes?
Annie: We're at Mimi Thompson's party. Peppa Pig just collapsed on stage. [it's Mimi's 10th birthday]
Marcus: Oh my God! Don't let anyone near Peppa Pig until I arrive! [leaves the house. Soon he's at the party] Move aside! Let me through! [reaches the stage and kneels next to Peppa] Aw Peppa. Peppa, can you hear me? [Peppa moans] My name is Marcus Preston. Can you understand me? Where did you get the drugs, Peppa? Was it from Stan Marsh?
Peppa: [a black man in costume] Yo man, whatchoo talkin' about? Get me a fuckin' ambulance!
Marcus: [tearing up] Shh, Peppa. Focus. Soon you'll be in heaven jumping in all the puddles you can imagine. But first, you must tell me, where do the Hummels go, Peppa?
Ambulance lady: All right, let us through. Get away, kids.
Marcus: Peppa, now! Why Hummels?! You've got to squeal!
Peppa: Old people. Old people... love... Hummels. [groans a couple more times and dies]
Marcus: It's okay, she's with Chuck E. Cheese now.
Scene Description: Shady Acres, day. The front doors open. Cartman, Kyle, Kenny, and Butters enter as a barbershop quartet.
Vicky: Can I help you?
Cartman: Oh yes, hello. We are adorable children here to entertain old people.
Vicky: Didn't think we had anyone scheduled tonight. Are you with the Protestant youth group?
Cartman: Yes that's right, we are young prostitutes here to volunteer however we can.
Vicky: Fine. Round them up, we got another kids choir!
Scene Description: The hallway. Toby walks down it and announces.
Toby: Come on, let's go. Children's choir in the commons.
Residents: [amid groans] Aw dammit. Shit.
Toby: Darlin' children are gonna sing for you! Move your asses!
Elderly Man 2: Aw, not again.
Scene Description: The commons, later. The boys are on stage.
Cartman: All right, seniors. How are we feeling tonight? Our youth group has come to lift your spirits with some songs to take you down memory lane. We hope you can enjoy some nice old-people music. [blows into a pitch pipe to determine a scale to sing in]
Cartman: I'm... insane in the membrane.
The Boys: Insane in the membrane.
Butters: Insane in the brain
The Boys: Crazy insane, got no brain.
Cartman: In the membrane.
Scene Description: The hallway. Stan looks at every name on the residents' doors to find Mrs. McGullicutty's room.
Scene Description: The commons. The boys move on to their next song.
Cartman: Myyyy milkshake brings all the boys
The Boys: to the yard, and they're like [Butters sticks his finger into his mouth and pops it out] it's better than yours.
Cartman: Damn right!
The Boys: [Butters sticks his finger into his mouth and pops it out] it's better than yours.
Cartman: My hot milkshake. And now here's our own take on that oldie, but goodie by Nirvana.
The Boys: In the cool, cool winter.
Cartman: Rape me.
The Boys: In the hot hot summertime. Rape me, my friend.
Elderly Man 3: You suck!
Cartman: Hey hey! We are adorable children trying to bring sunshine into your lives!
Elderly Man 3: [gives Cartman the bird] Fuck you!
Cartman: Fuck you! [picks a different note] If you
The Boys: Want to call me baby
Cartman: Just go ahead now-
Scene Description: Mrs. McGullicutty's room, in the dark. Stan is now inside. He looks around and stumbles across the bed pan. He's a bit startled, but soon sees the display case, lit up inside. He gets a hair clip out and picks the display case's lock. The lock opens and he opens the display case doors. He stuffs his bag with every Hummel in the case. The door swings open slowly, and Marcus walks in on him.
Marcus: Hello, Mr. Marsh!
Stan: Marcus.
Marcus: [turns on the light] I told you I'd bring you down. [quickly takes out his phone and takes a picture]
Stan: Marcus, it's not what you think. I'm trying to make things better here. [he and Marcus begin to walk around each other slowly]
Marcus: Oh, I bet you are! You, your grandpa, ALL the people here, are going to jail! I'm calling the police!
Stan: You can put an end to this place, but you won't be stopping the problem. These people are victims too, Marcus. Victims of a way bigger game being played by way bigger people!
Marcus: [turns his back to Stan] Oh, you're a fine one for speeches! When it comes to saving your own ass!
Stan: It's not for me, Marcus. Look, I know you loved Chuck E. Cheese. [Marcus stops dialing] I know you'd do anything to bring down the people who took him from you. [Marcus begins to soften and soon gets emotional] That's why you have to go further, Marcus. Take it to the people who profited from Chuck E.'s addiction.
Marcus: [turns around, sobbing] He was just a mouse... who wanted to make people happy. [walks up to Stan, and they hug each other]
Stan: I know. I know.
Scene Description: The commons. The boys move on to their next song. Kyle provides a bass beat.
The Boys: No time to search the world around When I come around. When I come around.
Cartman: I come around. [the residents begin to leave one by one]
Butters: Hey, where are ya'll goin'?
Mrs. McGullicutty: Back to our rooms. You kids are absolutely awful. [pfffft]
Scene Description: The hallway. The residents go to their rooms.
Mrs. McGullicutty: [notices her door already open] What the? [pfft] Someone is in my room! [pfffft. She goes in with her two friends]
Scene Description: Mrs. McGullicutty's room. She gasps, then farts.
Mrs. McGullicutty: Whaaaat?! [pfffft]
Scene Description: Marvin Marsh's room. He rolls in and finds Stan there.
Marvin: Billy. What are you doin' here?
Stan: [moves to his right] Surprise, Grandpa. [a bag appears where Stan stood just moments ago] I got what you needed.
Marvin: Heh. [rolls forward] Billy, Mrs. McGullicutty's Hummel collection. You got it for me.
Stan: Yeah, Grandpa. Now you can put a stop to all this, right?
Marvin: Yeah. I just might be able to.
Scene Description: The hallway. Ms. McGullicutty and her friends rush down the hallway.
Scene Description: Marvin Marsh's room. Marvin rises from his wheelchair.
Stan: What are you doing, Grandpa?
Marvin: I told you, Billy. These Hummels hold a special power with old people.
Mrs. McGullicutty: [enters with her friends] You! [pfffft]
Marvin: [to Stan] Go on, get out of here.
Mrs. McGullicutty: You really thought stealing my Hummels would make you the head bitch in this place?! [pfffft]
Marvin: Yeah. I think it will. [swings the bag around and gives her a bloody nose]
Mrs. McGullicutty: Aaah! [Marvin swings the bag around and takes out Mrs. McGullicutty's friends, he keeps swinging at them as they escape his room. The other residents look out of their rooms and cheer him on. He swings at Mrs. McGullicutty all the way down the hallway until she stops moving. The boys arrive]
Marvin: [turns and looks at the boys, and smiles] Now you know how we do shit in the nursing home.
Cartman: ...That's pretty sweet.
Scene Description: South Park, dawn. The sun comes up over town.
Scene Description: Shady Acres. Tony and Toby escort Ms. McGullicutty away from the Senior Cafe.
Mrs. McGullicutty: You get your paws off of me, young man! [pfffft]
Tony: There there, Ms. McGullicutty. Everything's gonna be all right. [they take her to solitaire]
Mrs. McGullicutty: No! [pfffft] Not solitaire! [pfffft] I won't play it! You can't make me! [pffpffft. Tony and Toby put her inside and lock the door. Stan and Marvin watch from the Senior Cafe]
Stan: Congratulations on becoming head bitch, Grandpa.
Marvin: Thank you, Billy. Now if we could only take down the real douchebags who profit from all this.
Stan: Ahhh, don't worry. I have a feeling that's about to happen.
Scene Description: Pebble Beach Hotel and Resort, Florida, day. There's a doctors' seminar there for U.S. Pharmaceuticals. Inside, jazz music place and conversations fill the air. The doors open, Marcus enters, and the music stops playing.
Marcus: Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Marcus Preston. I have... some questions.