Scene Description: A mountain pass. Ms. Crabtree is driving the kids somewhere going uphill. The kids are having a grand time running around and tossing paper airplanes. Cartman has an entire two-tiered chocolate cake in his lap.
Ms. Crabtree: BE QUIET BACK THERRE! THESE ROADS ARE SLIICK!
Stan: Hey, Cartman!
Cartman: What?
Stan: Are you gonna share any of that cake with the rest of us?
Cartman: [Finishes a bite.] Hmmm, let me see. No!
Kyle: Come on, fatass! You shouldn't be eating all that cake anyway!
Cartman: Mmm. It's chocolaty and delightful.
Stan: Give us some, Cartman!
Ms. Crabtree: [Turns around.] BE QUIET BACK THERRE!
Kyle: Whoa, dude. The road is really snowy out there.
Stan: Dude, the road is always snowy.
Kyle: I know, but, it's really snowy today.
Cartman: [Now baiting.] Mmm. I can't possibly finish this whole cake. Oh, yes I can. [Resumes eating.]
Stan: Shut up, Cartman!
Scene Description: Ms. Crabtree slams on the brakes, opens a box, and pulls out a bunny.
Ms. Crabtree: Okay, that does it! Y'all be quiet or the cute little bunny dies!
Scene Description: She now points a gun at its head. The class gasps and look at her for a while. Sure that she has made her point, she puts the bunny back in the box and resumes driving.
Stan: Dude, she always tries to quiet us down by threatening to kill that bunny, but I wonder if she ever would.
Kyle: Oh, she would, dude. She would.
Scene Description: The bus comes to a halt at a road block.
Ms. Crabtree: GOODD!
Scene Description: The sign reads: Road Closed due to Avalanche. Detour at your own risk.
Ms. Crabtree: OH, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE I DON'T BELIEVE THIS!
Scene Description: She starts up the bus and takes the detour.
Stan: Come on, fat boy, give us some cake now.
Cartman: [Exhausted.] I can not possibly eat one more bite of its chocolaty goodness. Oh, but but but, but I'll try.
Kyle: Dammit, Cartman, you are such a fat fuck!
Ms. Crabtree: [Spins around.] WHAT DID YOU SAY?!
Scene Description: She turns back around just to see the bus head for a road shoulder where the road starts to turn.
Ms. Crabtree: Whoa oh.
Scene Description: She slams the brakes on, but the bus goes over the shoulder and tumbles down the side of the hill.
Ms. Crabtree: Hold oonn! Aaaaa!
Scene Description: The kids tumble all over the place and scream, but Cartman just munches away on the cake, quite undisturbed. The bus bounces on the bottom of the hill and lands on a river upright, floating on down.
Kids: Aaaah!
Kyle: I'm scared!
Ms. Crabtree: BE QUIET, KID!
Scene Description: The kids look back at where they were as the bus continues down the river - and over a waterfall, straight down.
All: Aaaah!
Scene Description: Near the river, a guide is taking a couple bird-watching.
Guide: ...Aand right up here you can see a red-bellied chickadee. They're indigenous to this area.
Scene Description: The guide walks forward. The husband takes a picture of the chickadee. In the background, the bus falls past them.
The Kids: Aaaah!
Wife: What was that?
Guide: [Turns.] What was what?
Scene Description: At the foot of the waterfall. The bus plunges into the water and bobs up facing backwards.
All: Aaaah-
Scene Description: It is carried further down until the river bends. Then the bus is washed up onto the river bank, on the other side of which is a cliff. The bus teeters on the precipice.
Cartman: All done!
Ms. Crabtree: SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP!
Scene Description: Cartman takes his seat, but leaves the cake tin on the floor. The rest of the kids moan and groan, and they are strewn all over the bus.
Ms. Crabtree: I SAID 'QUIET,' OR ELSE I KILL THE BUNNY!
Scene Description: The bunny and gun are out again, and the kids shut up.
Stan: Where are we?
Ms. Crabtree: I have no idea.
Stan: I don't think we're in a very safe spot.
Kyle: Yeah, what are we supposed to do?
Ms. Crabtree: Just keep your trap shut. I'll consult the manual.
Scene Description: She reaches for it and leafs through until she gets to it. She tosses the book away and reaches for the videotape drawer.
Cartman: Ms. Crabtree?
Ms. Crabtree: SHUT UP, KIID! I HAVE TO WATCH A TRAINING VIDEO!
Trainer: [The video starts.] Welcome to tape 7 of the bus driver's video guidebook. What to do if you become stranded. By now you've calmed down the children and kept order by using the 'keep quiet or I'll kill the bunny' technique. Now, it's time to get help. The most important thing to remember is that the children will be safe as long as they stay on the bus. So do not, under any circumstances, let any children off the bus. The best way to achieve this is to tell them something like, 'A big scary monster will eat you if you step off the bus.'
Ms. Crabtree: KIIDS, DO NOT GET OFF THIS BUS. IF YOU DO A BIG SCARY MONSTER WILL EAT YOU!
Trainer: That's right. With the children properly subdued, you can leave the bus and go out looking for assistance. And remember your bus driver's code: 'Sit down. And shut up!'
Ms. Crabtree: I'm goin' for help. Ah'll be back as soon as I can. Remember. Don't get off this bus, or a big scary monster WILL EAT YOU!
Scene Description: She gets off the bus and walks down the river bank. The bus teeters a bit.
Boy In The Red Shirt: Hey, why doesn't the scary monster eat her?
Kyle: 'Cause, dombass, scary monsters don't eat big fat smelly bitches!
Ms. Crabtree: WHAT DID YOU SAY?!
Kyle: I said, 'Larry King won't grant me three wishes.'
Ms. Crabtree: Oh.
Stan: Dude, this is not good! She could've at least kept the heat on.
Scene Description: A roadside. Ms. Crabtree has found a vertical path leading down to the road and climbs down some large boulders.
Ms. Crabtree: Had to happen to me, didn't it?
Scene Description: Reaches the curb and puts out a thumb.
Truck Driver: Lookin' for love in all the wrong places Lookin' for love in too-
Scene Description: The truck driver sees Ms. Crabtree, then lowers the mirror and sets his hair.
Truck Driver: Whoa uhih, it's supper time. Come to poppa.
Scene Description: He stops his rig and lowers the passenger window.
Truck Driver: Whoa uh heh hello, little lady-yeh. Goin' my way?
Ms. Crabtree: SHUT UP AND HELP ME INTO THIS THIING!
Truck Driver: Whoa. Hehum huh.
Ms. Crabtree: [Grunts.] Yeah! [Now seated.] COME ON! I HAVEN'T GOT ALL DAY!
Truck Driver: Uh huh. Alright, sure, of course.
Scene Description: He checks out her legs and grins.
Ms. Crabtree: TAKE ME TO THE NEAREST TOWN AND MAKE IT SNAPPY, YOU FREAK-ASS CRACKPOT!
Truck Driver: Uuuh, yeh, yes ma'am. Righta right away, ma'am.}
Scene Description: He starts up the truck.
Truck Driver: So uh... Uhwhat's a- fragile little doe like yourself doin' out on a, on a night like this?
Ms. Crabtree: LOOK, MISTER, I GOT A BUSLOAD OF KIDS TRAPPED UP ON THAT PASS! I NEED A CRANE, HELICOPTERS, ALL THAT CRAP! HERE, LET ME HAVE SOME O' YOUR ASPIRIN!
Scene Description: She takes a couple.
Truck Driver: Uh uh- ma'am, those are actually roofies.
Ms. Crabtree: ROOFIES, ASPIRIN, RIGHT NOW I DON'T GIVE A RAT'S ASS!
Scene Description: The driver is quite happy right now.
Ms. Crabtree: HOW FAR TO THE NEAREST TOOWWN?!
Truck Driver: Mm-... mm-it's a ways.
Scene Description: Next day, and the bus is still there.
Cartman: You guys. What if Ms. Crabtree doesn't come back, and we're all trapped here forever.
Kids: [Gasp, then individually.] What? Huh?
Kyle: We couldn't get trapped here forever, Cartman. We'd die after a couple of days.
Scene Description: The others gasp.
Stan: Dude!
Kyle: What?
Cartman: I don't wanna die on this- bus with you assholes! [Panics.] You guys suck!
Stan: Would you just relax? We've been in a lot worse situations than this and come out of it just fine.
Kyle: Worse than this?
Stan: Well sure. Don't you remember that time that the aliens kidnapped your little brother Ike? Now, that was scary.
Scene Description: Stan's Tale: from Cartman Gets An Anal Probe, but with a twist. The boys and Wendy, are in the forest waiting for the visitors, using Cartman, who is tied to a tree by his foot, as bait.
Scene Description: Cartman tugs at his foot, testing the rope.
Cartman: Oh, man, this sucks.
Kyle: How come the visitors aren't coming for him.
Stan: I think we have to signal them somehow.
Cartman: [Farts fire.] Ow!
Wendy: Hey, he's like Rudolph.
Kyle: Yeah. [Shouting] All you have to do is fart some more, Cartman! And the visitors are sure to come!
Cartman: Really? Uh, I don't think I have to fart anymore tonight.
Kyle: Sure you do!
Stan: Come on Cartman, fart!
Cartman: I don't wanna.
Stan: [To Kyle and Wendy] He can't hold it in forever.
Kyle: Fart, damn you!
Cartman: Okay, that's does it! Now listen! Why is it that everything today has involved things either going in or coming out of my ass?!
Scene Description: Cartman farts, and an anal probe comes out of his butt.
Kyle: Whoa, look at that.
Cartman: It's completely immature!
Scene Description: The probe is starting to resemble a truck.
Stan: Hey, it's happening again.
Scene Description: The assembly is done, and a clerk stands ready to serve ice cream.
Stan: It's a ice cream truck. Now do you believe this, Cartman?
Cartman: You guys can't scare me!
Stan: Cartman, there's an ice cream truck sticking out of your ass.
Scene Description: The mother ship and three daughter ships come down, and visitors appear. They walk over to the truck.
Kyle: Hey, look. The aliens are getting ice cream.
Stan: Wow! I guess everything's going to be okay.
Scene Description: He walks over to Wendy and kisses her good.
Wendy: Mmmm.
Scene Description: Back to the bus.
Stan: Now, that was what I call a sticky situation.
Scene Description: The kids laugh.
Kyle: You can say that again.
Cartman: Was that how it happened?
Scene Description: In the Trucker's Cab.
Ms. Crabtree: STOOPP! LET ME OFF, YOU TURD!
Truck Driver: Hey. Uh I wanna help you. Uh, I care a lot about that bus full of uuh- what was it again?
Ms. Crabtree: Children.
Truck Driver: Yeah right. Leh, let me come with you.
Scene Description: They get out of the truck and head over to Pauly Shore's Funny Pit.
Ms. Crabtree: WHO- WHAT THE HELL IS THIS CRAAP?!
Carrot Ass: [On stage.] I hate flyin'. Talk about somethin' I hate, it's flyin'.
Truck Driver: [Nudging Ms. Crabtree.] Say uuhh, are those roofies kickin' in yet?
Ms. Crabtree: WELL, I DON'T THINK SO!
Truck Driver: Damn!
Carrot Ass: D'you guys like impressions?
Patron: No!
Carrot Ass: Here's my impression of Robert De Niro.
Scene Description: Carrot Ass turns around, makes adjustments, and turns again.
Carrot Ass: Hey, youse. Youse guys. Shut up, youse!
Ms. Crabtree: YOU SUUCK!!
Scene Description: The audience roars with laughter.
Carrot Ass: Youse guys, shut up!
Ms. Crabtree: SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP!!
Scene Description: More laughter.
Carrot Ass: [As Barney, the dinosaur.] Come on, lady. Iii love you. You love me.
Ms. Crabtree: I SAAIID, SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP!!
Scene Description: More laughter. A man falls down from laughing so hard. Carrot Ass pees in his pants and walks off stage. A talent scout walks up to Ms. Crabtree.
Talent Scout: Baby, you're wonderful! You're a natural! You're the funniest comic I've seen in yeauhs!
Ms. Crabtree: WHY DON'T YOU JUST SHUT THE HELL UP. I'VE GOT TO GET SOME ASSISTANCE FOR MY BROKEN-DOWN BUUSS!!
Talent Scout: Broken-down bus! That's great! Great angle!
Scene Description: Night time at the precipice.
Stan: Do you see 'er dude?
Kyle: Nope.
Cartman: God-dammit, how long is this goin' to take?
Boy In The Red Shirt: She's never coming back. Don't you get it? She left us here to die like pigs.
Kyle: Calm down, dude. You're upsetting Kenny.
Kenny: [Miffed at Kyle.] (Huh?)
Boy In The Red Shirt: I can't take it anymore! I have to get out of here! [He begins to hyperventilate.]
Stan: No, kid! You heard what Ms. Crabtree said: there's a big black scary monster out there!
Boy In The Red Shirt: Ehah! Well, I'm not gonna sit here and wait to die with the rest of you! If I can make it back, ah-I'll send help.
Kyle: Don't do it, kid.
Scene Description: The kid in the red shirt kid hops off the bus and the rest of the class goes over to the left side of the bus to see him off.
Stan: Hmm. Maybe Ms. Crabtree did make up that stuff about the big black monster.
Scene Description: The boy turns around and smiles. The bushes behind him rustle. The kids look stunned as the monster comes out of the trees and snatches him up.
Boy In The Red Shirt: Nooooo-agh!
Scene Description: The monster picks him up and swallows him whole.
Kyle: Holy crap, dude!
Scene Description: The monster turns and scurries away. The precipice is quiet for a while before the boy's skeleton is tossed back. It lands on one of the bus windows and slowly slides down, leaving some blood. The kids jump back and run around confused.
Bebe: Gross!
Scene Description: The kids take their seats.
Stan: Well, I guess nobody else will be getting off the bus.
Scene Description: South Park, the next day. Liane Cartman prepares some Cookie Dings dough for baking, and the phone rings, and she answers it.
Liane: Hello?
Sharon: Oh, hello, Ms. Cartman. It's Sharon, Stan's mother.
Liane: Oh yes, Sharon. How are you?
Sharon: Ms. Cartman, is your son at home?
Liane: Hu-old on, dear, let me check.
Scene Description: Liane lowers the phone.
Liane: Hon, I made beefy logs.
Scene Description: Silence.
Liane: I made Cookie Dings.
Scene Description: Silence.
Liane: No, he's not here.
Sharon: Well, now I am worried. I've tried all the houses and nobody knows where they are.
Liane: Oh, dear!
Scene Description: Denver.
Talent Scout: I'm telling you, Marty, this woman is a natural! I haven't seen a funnier person since Maury Povich.
Marty: What's her angle?
Talent Scout: I can't even explain it. You have to see it.
Marty: Alright. Well, this better be good.
Scene Description: The talent scout turns around and goes to the door.
Talent Scout: Come on in, come on in.
Ms. Crabtree: WHUAT THE HELL DID YOU BRING ME TO DENVER FOR, YOU BRAIN-DEPRAVED FECOPHILIAC?!
Talent Scout: Mr. Jonus, this is Mrs. Crabtree.
Marty: Pleasure to meet you.
Ms. Crabtree: YOU LOOK LIKE A LUMP OF DOGSHIT JUST GOT HIT BY A CAR!!
Talent Scout: What did I tell you?
Marty: She's fantastic. How would you like to make a million dollars, baby?
Ms. Crabtree: HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO SUCK MY ASS?!
Marty: Let's get started right away.
Truck Driver: Are you gonna be all right?
Ms. Crabtree: DON'T TOUCH ME!
Truck Driver: Uh ah-I'm sorry. Do you need anything?
Ms. Crabtree: No. I just...
Truck Driver: What?
Ms. Crabtree: I can't help but feel that I've forgotten somethin'.
Scene Description: Another night at the precipice.
Stan: What time is it?
Kenny: (Almost 7:30.)
Kyle: On Wednesday or Thursday?
Stan: Dude, I think it's Saturday now.
Cartman: What?! I'm missing the new Fantasy Island.
Scene Description: Kyle turns around and stares out the back window.
Kyle: Aw man, I don't think it's very safe to be on this bus.
Stan: Well, we can't go anywhere or else that big scary monster outside will get us.
Cartman: What do you think it is?
Stan: I don't know, it's- a big scary monster.
Scene Description: Kyle turns to listen.
Kyle: Hey. Maybe it's that thing, Scuzzlebutt. [He sits back down.]
Stan: What?
Kyle: Don't you remember? That time we were out hunting with your uncle Jimbo and Ned.
Scene Description: Kyle's Tale: from Volcano, with a twist. Jimbo, Ned, and the boys are running from the flowing lava.
Boys: Aaaaaa!
Jimbo: The lava's comin' right for us!
Cartman: Heellp!
Scene Description: The lava is charging down the hill, and the boys, Jimbo, and Ned have reached the trench. Scuzzlebutt appears, and they stare in awe.
Jimbo: Jimminy Hope, it's the real Scuzzlebutt!
Cartman: What?! Scuzzlebutt's real?!
Kyle: Oh my God! Look at his leg!
Brent Musberger: Hi kids, I'm TV's Brent Musberger.
Kyle: Dude! He got Brent Musberger for a leg!
All: Aaaa!
Jimbo: Quick Ned, shoot it!
Scene Description: Ned tries to cock the gun but nothing is happening.
Ned: Mmm. Oh no, out of ammo.
Stan: Hey, look!
Scuzzlebutt: Grrrr.
Scene Description: Scuzzlebutt has fashioned some ice cream cones out of thin air.
Kyle: Dude! He's making ice cream.
Scene Description: Scuzzlebutt offers the cones to the boys, Cartman takes the chocolate one.
Cartman: Scuzzlebutt kicks ass!
Kyle: Now, that's what I call a sticky situation.
Scene Description: The kids laugh.
Stan: Okay, so we can agree that the monster outside can't be Scuzzlebutt, because Scuzzlebutt's nice.
Cartman: Hey. Maybe it's our teacher, Mr. Garrison.
Kyle: Don't be stupid, Cartman. Our teacher wouldn't be out lying in the forest waiting to kill us!
Cartman: Oh no? Don't you remember the time he went crazy, and tried to kill Kathie Lee Gifford?
Scene Description: Cartman's Tale: from Weight Gain 4000. Mr. Garrison is in the book depository waiting for Kathie Lee to pass by.
Mayor McDaniels: [Excitedly.] Here she comes!
Scene Description: The band marches down the street, followed by Kathie Lee Gifford's car and entourage. She's in her bubble waving to the crowds.
Mr. Garrison: Come on you little bitch.
Scene Description: He takes aim, but the view is fuzzy as he focuses in on her.
Mayor McDaniels: [On stage.] It is with great pride and honor that I'd like to welcome Mrs. Kathie Lee Gifford to South Park.
Scene Description: The crowd cheers. Kathie Lee's security force throw her, bubble and all, on stage.
Kathie Lee: Thank you.
Scene Description: Mr. Garrison has his target, but Stan and Wendy rush in.
Stan: Mr. Garrison, stop!
Mr. Garrison: [He turns to face them.] Leave us. We must finish what we have begun.
Wendy: But Mr. Garrison!
Mr. Garrison: [Faces them again.] She's not really Kathie Lee Gifford. She's some kinda alien.
Kathie Lee: Thank you. And I love you all.
Scene Description: A shot pierces the bubble and enters Kathie Lee's head. The crowd gasps as she holds her head. She rips it open to reveal a vicious little green alien.
Alien: Naawwr!
Scene Description: The alien jumps out of the bubble. Mr. Garrison follows it in his sights and shoots it dead.
Mr. Garrison: [Facing Stan and Wendy.] See, I told ya.
Scene Description: Stan and Wendy shrug and lock lips.
Wendy: Mmmm.
Mayor McDaniels: [Sheepishly giddy.] Wow, this is gonna put a damper on the day. [Into the mic.] Let's have ice cream, everyone! [The crowd cheers.]
Scene Description: Cartman is on stage, totally ripped, he flexes with a vanilla ice cream cone in his left hand.
Cartman: Beefcaake!
Cartman: Now, that's what I call a sticky situation.
Scene Description: The kids laugh.
Stan: But the monster outside couldn't be Mr. Garrison, 'cause Mr. Garrison used a gun.
Cartman: Oh, yeah.
Scene Description: Burbank, NBC Studios, 11:35 p.m.
Announcer: Live from Burbank, it's The Tonight Show, with Jay Leno. Tonight, Jay's special guests include: Washed-up Actress from a sitcom. And the comedy of Mrs. Crabtree. And now, here's your host, Jay Leno.
Scene Description: He comes out with a very long chin, down to his knees. He turns and waves at the audience.
Talent Scout: Just relax, sweetheart, you're gonna kill out there.
Ms. Crabtree: KILL WHO?!
Talent Scout: Huh that's great. Use that. [Holds up his thumbs.]
Truck Driver: Honey du-, do you need anything?
Ms. Crabtree: JUST GIVE ME ANOTHER ONE OF THEM ROOFIES.
Truck Driver: [Rushing up.] Sure.
Scene Description: He offers it, and she takes it and swallows.
Scene Description: Mr. Mackey's office. A crowd of people is gathered in there with Mr. Mackey.
Mr. Mackey: Oh oh okay? Let's try to calm down, n'kay? This type of thing happens all the time.
Sharon: What do ya mean?! How often does an entire third-grade class go missing?!
Mr. Mackey: Well, 99% of the time, when a child is missing, it's because they've run away. M'kay?
Scene Description: The parents gasp.
Sharon: Run away?
Sheila: [Fretfully.] Oy, I knew I shouldn't have made Kyle eat that gefukahukah.
Randy: How do we get our runaway children back?
Mr. Mackey: Well, we just need to make some posters, nkay? Hand out brochures, onkay? That way, the public can know what the chldren look like and can call in if thry're spotted, m'kay?
Sharon: Let's get started right away! They could be halfway to L. A. by now.
Sheila: It's only a matter of time before they're selling their bodies and buying smack.
Scene Description: About town. An insistent tune plays. Posters of the missing kids are going up everywhere. Gerald pins a picture of Kyle on a tree, and Randy tapes one of Stan on a light post.
Man 1: Come on, everybody!
Man 2: We've got to find those kids!
Man 1: If we all put our heads together, we can find them!
Man 2: We can do it!
Scene Description: Liane is in a bikini passing out pictures of Eric. This draws men, young and old, from all around.
Man 3: Hi.
Scene Description: On a wall are pictures of, from left to right, Bebe, Clyde, Stan, Kyle, Macaulay Culkin, Pip,...
Scene Description: Midnight on the precipice. The bus rocks slowly and with a loud thud.
Stan: What was that?
Kyle: What was what?
Stan: Dude, I think the scary monster is right outside the bus!
Kyle: What could it be? If only we knew what we were up against.
Kenny: (Hey you guys. Remember when Terrance and Phillip was off the air?)
Kyle: Hey yeah, I remember that.
Kenny: (All I know is that it was a loong time ago, and Death was chasing us on a bicycle down the street.)
Scene Description: Kenny's Tale: from Death. The boys are running down the street, Death pursues them, and Grandpa Marsh pursues Death.
The Boys: Aaaah! Aaaah! Aaaah!
Scene Description: Death is following the kids on a tricycle, while Grandpa Marsh is trying to keep up with Death on his electric wheelchair.
Grandpa Marsh: Come back here you pompousy son of a pansy!
The Boys: Aaaah!
Kyle: [Sees Death close to Kenny.] Don't let him touch you! You die if he touches you!
Grandpa: Come over here you son of a whore!
Scene Description: Everyone passes the electronics store without stopping to see Terrance and Phillip. Death is about to touch Kenny when Kenny decides to defend his life.
Kenny: (Take... that!)
Scene Description: Kenny flips Death off the trike and starts jumping on him. Death starts coming apart.
Kenny: (You dick! That is for me, and that, that and that, that and that, that, that, that!)
Scene Description: Kyle and Stan return to watch.
Stan: Oh my God! Kenny- killed... death!
Kyle: You... bastard?
Scene Description: Kenny reaches into Death's corpse, pulls out a strawberry ice cream cone, and starts licking.
Kenny: (Heheheh. Now that's what I-he call a sticky situation!)
Scene Description: The kids laugh.
Stan: Yeah, but the monster outside couldn't be Death, because Death only touches you, it doesn't eat you.
Kenny: (Oh, yeah.)
Kyle: Well, who really cares what that monster is outside? As long as we stay on the bus, it can't hurt us. Right?
Scene Description: The roof rips open and the scary monster reaches in and gropes for someone. Butters jumps for the front window, and Pip and Craig try to open their windows.
Kids: AAAAH!
Kid: MOMMY!
Scene Description: The monster's claw settles on Kenny and pulls him out.
Kenny: [Gasps.] (Uh oh. Hey uh, you guys! Help me doooowwwwnnnn! Heeyy, you guuuuyyyyys!)
Scene Description: The monster scurries away, holding Kenny tight.
Stan: Oh my God, it's killing Kenny!
Kyle: You bastard!
Scene Description: Stan watches as Kenny and the monster disappear.
Stan: Hoh boy, we're in big trouble.
Scene Description: Cartman looks out through the gaping hole in the roof.
Cartman: Hey you guys. Can we order a pizza?
Scene Description: Back at The Tonight Show, Ms. Crabtree's segment has just started.
Ms. Crabtree: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU ALL STARIN' AT?!
Scene Description: The audience laughs.
Ms. Crabtree: STOP LAUGHING, YOU WHORES!!
Scene Description: More laughs.
Ms. Crabtree: I SAID, SHUT UP!!
Scene Description: The audience is hushed, then roars with laughter again. She stays quiet and walks off stage.
Jay Leno: Let's hear it for Ms. Crabtree. What an up-and-comer!
Truck Driver: Well. That was great, ma'am.
Ms. Crabtree: Was it? Does it even matter?
Truck Driver: Wwhat do ya mean?
Ms. Crabtree: Success is hollow, Mitch, hollow like a dead tree. I think it's time for me to give it up.
Truck Driver: Are you sure?
Ms. Crabtree: Ah-I'm sure. Let's get a cup of coffee.
Scene Description: They walk off. Meanwhile it's daytime, and the sun is shining into the bus through the roof.
Cartman: I wonder when the monster is gonna come back to feed again?
Scene Description: The kids shiver.
Kyle: We've just gotta stick together.
Stan: Yeah. There's got to be a way out of this.
Cartman: Hay, wait a minute.
Stan: What?
Cartman: Remember the time when Fonzie jumped over the buses with his motorcycle?
Scene Description: Happy Days' Tale: Arnold's at night. Every kid of driving age shows up to see Fonzie jump the buses. Two of his many admiring girls get him ready for the jump, then walk away. The Fonz revs up the bike.
Joanie Cunningham: Go, Fonzie!
Fonzie: Eeeeyyyy!
Scene Description: The Fonz strikes a pose and gives a thumbs up.
Cartman: You can do it, Fonzie.
Stan: We believe in you, Fonz.
Fonzie: Eeeeyyyy!
Scene Description: The Fonz revs up his motorcycle and heads for the ramp. He passes it and turns around, does a wheelie, and goes for the jump. He sails over the buses and lands. He gets close to the crowd and loses control. Everybody but Kenny gets out of the way.
Kenny: (Hey, that freakin' bike-!)
Scene Description: Fonzie's bike smashes him into the brick wall and bounces off, and Fonzie sails over the wall. After a moment, Kenny drops, and Fonzie gets up behind the wall.
Fonzie: [Triumphantly.] Eeyy!
Scene Description: He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a chocolate ice cream cone, then starts licking.
Stan: Oh my God! They've killed Kenny!
Kyle: You bastards!
Cartman: Now, that's what I call a sticky situation. Uheheheh, heh.
Stan: You dumbass, Cartman! That's not the way it happened!
Kyle: Yeah, dude! Kenny just died eight hours ago from that monster! How could he have died back then, too?
Cartman: [Thinks.] Oh yeah, I guess that doesn't make sense.
Scene Description: As he turns around, the bus lurches again.
Stan: Oh no!
Scene Description: The bus teeters.
Kids: Aaaah!
Kyle: What are we gonna do?
Kids: [Running around.] Aaaah!
Scene Description: Nighttime arrives, and Kyle looks out the back window as the kids move around. Clyde and Red run to the front, and Craig runs from the front door to the seat behind the driver.
Stan: Now we need more weight in the back.
Scene Description: Red and Clyde run back, and the third kid runs back to the door.
Stan: No, that's too much!
Scene Description: Clyde and Red run to the front, but stop halfway. The front of the bus drops back to the ground.
Kyle: There. [Drops into his seat.] I think we got it.
Stan: I don't know how much longer we can keep this up, dude.
Kyle: Don't worry. Everything's gonna work out. It always does.
Cartman: It does?
Kyle: Sure. Remember that time that that kid in the red shirt decided to go off on his own?
Scene Description: The Ensign's Tale: Two nights ago. The kid in the red shirt decides not to wait for help to come, but to go and look for help himself.
Boy In The Red Shirt: Ehah! Well, I'm not gonna sit here and wait to die with the rest of you! If I can make it back, ah-I'll send help.
Kyle: Don't do it, kid.
Scene Description: The kid hops off the bus and the rest of the class goes over to the left side of the bus to see him off.
Stan: Hmm. Maybe Ms. Crabtree did make up that stuff about the big black monster.
The boy turns around and smiles. The bushes behind him rustle. The kids look stunned as the monster comes out of the trees and traps the boy.: Dialog
Boy In The Red Shirt: Nooooo-agh!
Scene Description: The monster picks him up and swallows him whole.
Kyle: Holy crap, dude!
Scene Description: The monster pulls out a spoon and some ice cream to enjoy with his meal.
Kyle: Hey look! He's got ice cream!
Scene Description: Kyle and Stan smile.
Kids: Hooray! Yea!
Scene Description: The roof opens up.
Kids: Aaah!
Scene Description: Cartman smiles, and ice cream cones start dropping in for the kids to catch.
Kids: Yea! Ha ha.
Scene Description: The kids enjoy the treats.
Kyle: Now, that's what I call a sticky situation.
Scene Description: The kids laugh.
Scene Description: A marsh. Ms. Crabtree and the truck driver are enjoying a quiet moment.
Ms. Crabtree: Wow, this is gorgeous. I don't think I've ever seen anything so beautiful.
Truck Driver: From a distance, this place looks like a cold, damp marsh. But once you get inside it...
Scene Description: They look at each other.
Truck Driver: ...you realize that it has an inner beauty, far surpassing others.
Scene Description: He hugs her a little tighter.
Truck Driver: Thank you for sharing your time with me, Ms. Crabtree.
Ms. Crabtree: Please. Call me Muffin.
Truck Driver: I'm having a nice time, Muffin.
Ms. Crabtree: Me too, Marcus. I've forgotten all about my cares in the world.
Scene Description: The precipice. All her cares are still waiting for someone to rescue them.
Cartman: Aw damn, man. Now I'm missing the new Barnaby Jones.
Kyle: Hey. Ms. Crabtree had that little TV, for the trainng video? Maybe we can watch TV on it.
Stan: Hey yeah!
Scene Description: Cartman hops down, goes to the driver's seat, and turns on the TV. After a second or two, News 4 pops up.
Tom: ...And all over America, kids are turning to the streets and running away. Tonight, a very special message from the parents of some runaway children, in hopes that their young will hear their cries.
Randy: Hello, Stanley. It's me, Poppa.
Scene Description: Stan looks glum.
Randy: Gosh, your mother and I miss ya. And I hope that... wherever you may be, you'll hear this message.
Scene Description: Music begins, and Randy sings passionately.
Randy: Little lamb, you're lost in the great big world Runaway, findin' streets so cold
Kyle: [Pointing at Stan.] Du-hude! Your dad's a retard!
Scene Description: Stan looks embarrassed. On TV, Gerald steps up to the mic.
Gerald: Please come home, Kyle.
Scene Description: Now Kyle looks glum.
Gerald: You left home lookin' for somethin' new.
Scene Description: Kyle is really embarrassed.
Gerald: But all you need is right here waitin' for you
Scene Description: The kids laugh at Kyle.
The Parents: Runaway, come home. We love you just as you are. Runaway, come home. We're sorry things went this far.
Scene Description: There are twelve adults present: The Marshes, the Broflovskis, the McCormicks, Liane Cartman, Mr. Garrison, Kevin's mother, and three unidentified adults.
Stan: Dude, did it ever occur to them to just look for us?
Clyde: I hope my dad doesn't sing.
Cartman: Hey! Do you guys remember the time I found out who my father was?
Stan: Boy, do I!
Scene Description: Cartman's Tale: from Cartman's Mom is Still a Dirty Slut. All the men are gathered at Mephesto's room in Hell's Pass Hospital. The boys and Liane are also there.
Mephesto: Oh. As I said before, the father is somebody in this room. The father is... John Elway.
Scene Description: All gasp. Congratulatory music plays.
Cartman: Sweeeeeett! [Smiles big.]
John Elway: Uh oh.
Cartman: This kicks ass, you guys! John Elway is my father!
Scene Description: He starts a little cheer.
Cartman: My father is John Elway, My father is John Elway Deedun, Deedun.
Scene Description: John Elway comes over to Cartman.
John Elway: Come on, son. I'll buy you some ice cream.
Scene Description: Cartman looks up lovingly at his purported father, and they walk away. Curiously, Liane Cartman is left behind.
Cartman: Now, that's what I call a sti-
Kyle: Wait a minute. I though your father was your mother 'cause she had a penis.
Cartman: What?! Eeyy, you son of a bitch! I'll kick you in the nuts!
Scene Description: He hops off his seat, and the bus moves a little, then Cartman's weight heaves the bus. He makes his way to the back.
Stan: Cartman, no!
Scene Description: The bus slowly starts to teeter.
Kids: Aaaaaa!
Stan: The bus is going over!
Kyle: Oh no!
Kids: [All hurrying to the front.] Aaaaa. Aaaaaaa.
Scene Description: Craig tries to hang on to a seat, but loses his grip and falls through the back window screaming. With the help of Kevin, Stan pulls Kyle to safety from the back of the bus. The bus snaps in two halves, and the front end comes down along with the other half. A second later, both parts of the bus slip into the steep canyon.
Kids: Aaaaa!
Scene Description: The scene is shown again, but this time the bus falls into a colossal tub of Super Chocolaty Chunky Funk Chip Surprise Ice Cream. The kids are strewn all over the place once again.
Stan: [He and Kyle get up and look out the window] Hey! We've landed in ice cream!
Kids: Hooray!
Cartman: Wait, wait wait wait. This doesn't make sense. This whole thing doesn't make any sense. I must be-
Scene Description: Cartman's bedroom. Cartman snaps out of a vivid dream and sits up.
Cartman: Deah, eh eh. [Sweats.] Oh man, what a weird dream!
Scene Description: Liane appears at his door with milk and a bowl.
Liane: Ah-are you okay, hon?
Cartman: Ma? I just dreamt that me and Stan and Kyle and Kenny were trapped on our bus, and we were talking about everything that happened to us, except that it was all wrong and everything ended with us eating ice cream.
Liane: Oh. Well. Would you like some beetles for breakfast?
Scene Description: Beetles start crawling out of the bowl.
Cartman: Yes, please.
Scene Description: Liane snaps up the first beetle the leaves the bowl and eats it.
Liane: Mmmm.
Cartman: Mmmm. [Munch munch gobble.] Mmmm.
Liane: Mmmm. Beetles are good with ice cream.
Scene Description: Stan's bedroom. Stan is asleep.
Stan: GAAA-uh.
Scene Description: Stan is now wide awake, as he sits up.
Stan: Ugh. Oh, dude. What a nightmare.
Scene Description: He reaches for the phone and dials a number.
Kyle: [Already up, reaches for the phone.] Hello?
Stan: Dude, I just had the weirdest dream.
Kyle: Really?
Stan: Yeah, I dreamt that Cartman dreamt that we were all trapped on a bus, and then he dreamt that we were talking about things that had happened, only they were all wrong, and, and then he and his mother ate beetles.
Kyle: Dude. That's a pretty fucked up dream.
Stan: Yeah, I must be having some real emotional problems.
Kyle: Hey. Me and Cartman and Kenny are going down to Happy Burger. Do you wanna come?
Stan: Sure. I definitely don't wanna sleep anymore. See you later.
Scene Description: He hangs up, hops off the bed and leaves.
Scene Description: The marsh. Cartman's dream has a life of its own and is self-aware, like a holodeck program gone awry. A frog croaks.
Ms. Crabtree: I want to thank you for making me feel alive again, Marcus.
Truck Driver: Ms. Crabtree?
Ms. Crabtree: What is it? What's wrong?
Truck Driver: You realize I can't stay. None of this is real: it's... it's all been a little eight-year old's dream.
Ms. Crabtree: Oh I know. I know, Marcus. But let me just pretend as long as I can.
Truck Driver: Sure.
Scene Description: He hugs her a bit tighter, and they stare off into the horizon, at a very red sunset.
Scene Description: "Runaway, Come Home" plays.


Scene Description: South Park Elementary. In the final hour of the school year...
Mr. Garrison: Okay, children, now I know that today is the last day of school, and that the last day of school involves pranks, but this is going too far! What have you done with Mr. Hat?
Scene Description: The kids stay silent.
Mr. Garrison: Children! I want Mr. Hat back, right now!
Scene Description: Mr. Garrison pounds his desk in frustration.
Mr. Garrison: The prank is over!
Scene Description: He pounds his desk again. The kids sit still.
Mr. Garrison: You think I can't get along without Mr. Hat, don't you? You think I can't live without him? Well, I can! He's just a puppet. I don't need him. You see? Watch.
Scene Description: He starts waiting. Soon he grimaces, then he taps his thumbs together, then taps them faster.
Mr. Garrison: God damn it! Where the fuck did you put Mr. Hat?!
Scene Description: He pounds his desk hard and the apple bounces away. The dismissal bell rings.
Kids: Yea-
Mr. Garrison: Oh no, you don't! The school year is over, but summer vacation doesn't start for you little bastards until Mr. Hat is back on my desk!
Kids: Awww..!
Mr. Garrison: Now, I'm going to turn around, and when I turn back, I expect to see Mr. Hat lying right here!
Scene Description: Mr. Garrison turns to face the board.
Mr. Garrison: Okay. I'm going to turn around now.
Scene Description: Mr. Garrison turns back toward the classroom, to find that all the kids except for Pip have left.
Mr. Garrison: Shit!
Pip: Where did everybody go?
Scene Description: Outside. The kids bolt through the school's front door.
Kids: Yea!/Hooray!/Summer!
Scene Description: The snow melts away, and a mound of it reveals a boy whose missing person's poster was in the back of the class. He gets up, and his parents rush up to meet him.
Mother: Oh golly, Kevin, honey.
Father: Good to see you again, son.
Scene Description: The boys walk past a house where a man inhales in the warm breeze.
Man: Looks like winter's right around the corner. Better get some firewood ready.
Scene Description: He uses a chainsaw on the tree in front of the house. Trees all over the area are coming down.
Scene Description: A park, and kids are at play already. The boys walk through and meet Pip along the way.
Pip: Oh, happy summer, gentlemen!
Stan: Shut up, Pip.
Pip: Right-o. Uh... Enjoy some of this summer for me, would you?
Kyle: What do you mean?
Pip: Well, I have to spend my summer in summer school, because I can't be left alone. You see, my parents are dead.
Cartman: Your parents are dead? Goddamn, you suck, Pip!
Scene Description: The boys laugh at him and walk away.
Scene Description: The boys walk past a sign reading "Stu's Fireworks" with an arrow pointing right.
Stan: Oh yeah, dude, it's summer. That means we gotta buy fireworks.
Kyle: I saved up enough to buy M-80s this year.
Stan: I saw in this movie once, where this guy stuck a firecracker up a cat's butt.
Kyle: Cool! Maybe we can do that to Cartman's cat.
Cartman: Eeyy! If you so much as touch Kitty's ass, I'll put firecrackers in your nutsack and blow your balls all over your pants!
Stan: Jesus, Cartman!
Cartman: [Mumbles.] Well, I'm just saying na, don't mess with Kitty na.
Scene Description: Stu's Firework Shack.
Stu: Hi, fellas.
Boys: Hi, Stu.
Stu: What can I do for you?
Kyle: We wanna buy M-80s.
Stan: The kind that fit in Cartman's cat's ass.
Cartman: Okay, that's it!
Scene Description: Kenny laughs.
Cartman: Screw you guys! I'm going home.
Scene Description: Cartman walks off.
Kyle: What a baby.
Stan: So, we'll have ten M-80s, please.
Stu: I'm sorry, fellas. Haven't you heard?
Stan: Heard what?
Stu: All fireworks have been banned in Colorado.
Kyle: What do ya mean?
Stu: It was in the paper this morning.
Scene Description: Headline: "North Park Kid Loses Hands in Firecracker Accident". The picture shows the armless boy with scars on his cheeks and a dismembered hand on the floor.
Kyle: Dude! Just 'cause some stupid North Park kid blew his hands off, we don't get to buy M-80s?
Stu: Right.
Stan: How can they do this to us? Doesn't anyone believe in tradition anymore?
Kyle: Yeah. We've been playing with firecrackers our whole lives.
Scene Description: Flashback. Kyle remembers their days as toddlers. All four stand in a hallway holding lit firecrackers. Kyle tosses one up in the air and it pops. Kenny holds on to his, to his peril. It pops, and Kenny's head flies off his torso. The rest of the body falls over.
Stan: Oh gosh, killed Kenny!
Kyle: Oo bastards!
Scene Description: Rats pile on the corpse and nibble away.
Stan: A summer without fireworks is like... I don't know, but it's like- It sucks ass.
Kyle: Yeah, now what are we supposed to do?
Scene Description: Stu pulls out a fireworks box and takes something out.
Stu: I can still sell snakes.
Scene Description: Stu lights one up, sets it down, and watches it grow.
Stan/Kyle/ Kenny: Awww..!
Scene Description: Meanwhile, over at City Hall, Mayor McDaniels is on the phone with someone.
Mayor McDaniels: This is absurd! We need fireworks for our Fourth of July celebration at the lake. [Listens.] I don't care that some twerp blew his hands off! We've got to have fireworks for our picnic! Hold on, I've got another call. [Switch.] Hello? No, I don't know where Mr. Hat is! Jesus, Garrison. I've got bigger problems! [Switch.] Hello, yes? Now what am I supposed to do about our Fourth of July show at the lake? No, I don't want snakes! This is an outrage! Get me the Mayor! I know that, smart-ass, I was being ironic..! [Hangs up.]
Officer Barbrady: [Emerging from under her desk.] I'm sorry, Mayor, but I couldn't find the little man in the boat.
Mayor McDaniels: Well, keep looking. [Pushes him down.]
Officer Barbrady: Oh?
Mayor McDaniels: This is ridiculous. We can't have a celebration without fireworks. Whoever heard of a Fourth of July picnic with snakes?
Officer Barbrady: [From under the desk.] Oh, I like snakes. You light 'em and they grow and grow.
Mayor McDaniels: Wait a minute. That's it! I got it! This Fourth of July, South Park will make history by having the largest snake in the world! The press will love it. I'll be on the front pa- [Swoons.] Oooooogh...
Officer Barbrady: I found him.
Scene Description: Bus Stop. The boys (still wearing coats) stand still, completely oblivious.
Stan: Man, it's hot out here.
Cartman: What do you guys want to do? We've got the whole summer to play!
Kyle: Dude, what are we supposed to do? We always just play with fireworks.
Stan: I know! Let's go sledding!
Kyle: Yeah!
Scene Description: Top of a hill. The boys have brought their sled, and Cartman is left to go on.
Stan: Come on, Cartman, get on.
Cartman: Stan?
Kyle: Let's go, dude. We're ready.
Stan: What the hell are you waiting for, Cartman?
Cartman: Guys? Don't you notice anything wrong with this picture?
Kyle: Yeah. Your fat ass isn't on the sled!
Cartman: Ugh... Whatever.
Scene Description: He hops on. The sled goes down just a bit, then stops.
Stan: What the hell is going on?
Scene Description: Jimbo and Ned drive by in their Hummer.
Jimbo: Hey there, boys!
Stan: Hi, Uncle Jimbo.
Jimbo: How come you're not blowin' things up? It's summer.
Kyle: Didn't you hear? They outlawed fireworks 'cause a little boy blew off his hands.
Jimbo: What?!
Stan: Yeah, they're not even having them at the lake this year.
Jimbo: Oh my God! [Revs up.] Well, don't worry boys, Uncle Jimbo is on the case. [Drives off.] Buckle your seat belt, Ned.
Ned: Mmmm-where are we going?
Jimbo: México, my amigo.
Ned: Mmmm-why are we going to México?
Jimbo: To buy fireworks. Just 'cause some kid blew off his hands doesn't mean the rest of us have to suffer, now, does it?
Ned: Are fireworks legal in Mexico?
Jimbo: Hell, everything's legal in México. It's the American way.
Scene Description: Jimbo drives through mountains in the distance.
Scene Description: Back at City Hall, the Mayor is holding a meeting. A man is shown with an easel and a large notebook.
Charlie: At the Dyno Might Firework Company, we have a commitment to excellence. Our focus is on safety while-
Mayor McDaniels: Just cut to the chase and tell us about the snake!
Charlie: Oh, o-kay. [To himself.] Let's see...
Scene Description: He turns the pages up and over. Page 1: Dyno Might Safe and Spicy; Section 1: Introduction; Section 2: Safety Features; Section 3: We Value the Customer... Now to design specifications.
Charlie: Now, the disk that we are making is approximately 5,000 times bigger than the average snake.
Mayor McDaniels: Ooooh!
Charlie: We'll have to fly it in with three Comanche helicopters and lower it onto the ground at the lake.
Mayor McDaniels: [Writes notes.] Comanche helicopters...
Charlie: [Flips page.] Then we'll need 57 flamethrowers, all set up around the perimeter of the disk, that are all triggered to fire at the same time.
Mayor McDaniels: ...flamethrowers, triggered at the same time...
Scene Description: Charlie flips the page. A giant smiling snake is shown rising out of the disk.
Charlie: Once lit, the snake will grow.
Scene Description: He turns the page and vaudevillian Abe Vigoda is shown.
Charlie: And good times will be had by all.
Scene Description: The Mayor and her aides clap.
Aide 1: Wonderful.
Aide 2: Spectacular.
Mayor McDaniels: Well, you see? Fireworks at the lake will not only go on, but perhaps be the best ever. Wait a minute! We're gonna need an orchestra to play The Stars and Stripes!
Aide 1: Hey! How about the elementary school orchestra? They had a great version of Mary Had a Little Lamb at their last concert.
Mayor McDaniels: Yes! Get the school principal on the phone! And we need somebody to dress up like Uncle Remus!
Aide 2: Uh, Mayor, I think you mean Uncle Sam?
Mayor McDaniels: Of course I do, you fuckin' asshole!
Scene Description: On the side of a road. The boys are building a snowman, but out of mud. A mudman.
Kyle: [Singing.] Dusty the dirtball...
Stan: Why does everything have to suck so bad in summer?
Kyle: Hey, look, it's Mr. Garrison.
Mr. Garrison: Hello, children. How is your summer going?
Stan: Summer sucks ass, Mr. Garrison.
Kyle: Hey, have you found Mr. Hat yet?
Mr. Garrison: Oh, that old thing? Why, I almost forgot he was gone. I don't need Mr. Hat.
Stan: That's good.
Scene Description: Long pause.
Mr. Garrison: Mr. Hat is just a puppet.
Kyle: Yup.
Scene Description: Long pause.
Mr. Garrison: Mr. Hat isn't real.
Stan: Right.
Scene Description: Long pause. Mr. Garrison walks away.
Cartman: Hey, you guys, my mom signed me up for swimming lessons at the community pool. You wanna come?
Scene Description: Kenny, Stan and Kyle laugh at him.
Stan: Swimming lessons? Dude, that is the lamest thing I've heard heard.
Cartman: It is not!
Stan: Everyone knows that the first graders pee in the community pool.
Kyle: Yeah, Cartman, you're swimming around in first-grader pee.
Cartman: [angry] I am not swimming around in pee!
Stan: Whatever, dude.
Cartman: My mom says that if I take swimming lessons, I could be in the Olympics someday.
Kyle: [Grins with Stan.] Yeah, the Fat Ass Olympics.
Cartman: I'm trying to make the best out of a bad situation! I don't need to hear crap from a bunch of hippie freaks living in denial! Screw you guys! I'm going home.
Stan: But Cartman, we're trying to-
Cartman: No, screw you guys. Home. [Leaves.]
Stan: What does he mean, "living in denial"?
Kyle: Dude, it's Cartman. He's just being a dumb-ass like always.
Scene Description: Stan hops up to put a carrot on the mudman as a nose.
Stan: There, how does that look?
Kyle: Like a..big hunk of dirt with a carrot sticking out of it.
Stan: Uh, crap..!
Scene Description: Community Pool. Kids are swimming and diving, and a lifeguard looks over the scene. Cartman, however dips his toes into the water and shudders.
Cartman: Eh-eh-eh-eh...
Scene Description: He backs away as the instructor blows her whistle.
Instructor: Okay kids, everyone in the pool!
Scene Description: The kids jump in.
instructor: Come on, Eric, we're gonna start now.
Cartman: Nuh-uh.
Instructor: Just jump in.
Cartman: I don't wanna.
Instructor: It's not gonna hurt ya, hon. Just do it.
Scene Description: Cartman holds his breath, covers his nose and jumps in.
Cartman: Egh-
Scene Description: He comes up and treads water. Cartman splutters.
Instructor: There you go! Now just let the first graders swim by you, and then head towards us.
Cartman: Huh? First graders?
Scene Description: The first graders swim by, but stop to look at him. Yellow pools of pee appear in front of them. They swim away.
Cartman: Awww! Weak! Weak! Oh, these sons of bitches!
Scene Description: South Park. Stark's Pond. Bleachers are being set up for the Fourth of July picnic, and a chili and doughnut stand goes up.
Mayor McDaniels: Where the hell is our firework? We only have 24 hours!
Aide 2: I'm sure it'll be here any second.
Mayor McDaniels: Shut up!
Aide 2: Copy that.
Scene Description: Meanwhile, at a stage where the children of South Park Elementary are practicing The Stars and Stripes...
Mr. Romero: Okay, children, I'm sure we're a little rusty. Where is Eric Cartman?
Stan: He's taking swimming lessons.
Mr. Romero: Oh, dear. How are we supposed to sound good without our French horn section? Oh, let's try some scales first. C scale first. And...
Scene Description: They start playing the scale (F# first), but everyone is playing out of key, creating a god-awful mix of noises.
Mr. Romero: Okay, that was pretty good. Let's play Mozart's Symphony No. 5.
Scene Description: They try, but it is yet another god-awful mix of noises.
Mayor McDaniels: Oh, we're doomed. Our Fourth of July celebration is going to have no fireworks and a bunch of tone-deaf little shits playing.
Scene Description: She see something.
Mayor McDaniels: Wait a minute... It's the snake!
Scene Description: The snake appears over the mountain transported by the three Comanche helicopters. Everyone stops to watch.
Officer Barbrady: Let's move along, people. If you've seen one giant snake-thingy firework, you've seen them all.
Mayor McDaniels: Call everybody! The show's back on! Come on, we've only got one day to prepare!
Scene Description: Mexico. Jimbo and Ned pass by a store that sells cohetes. They stop and walk back to it.
Jimbo: Buenos dias, mi amigo. Yo soy un Americano espectacularrr.
Proprietor: ¿Qué?
Jimbo: Yo necesito el fireworko spectacularrrr.
Proprietor: ¿Necesita usted un cohete grande?
Ned: Nnnn-no moleste el gato spectacularrrr.
Scene Description: The proprietor pulls out a large box and places it on the counter.
Jimbo: Would you look at that, Ned? That's a Tijuana bottle rocket! These babies have enough power to blast a fiery hole right through the ozone.
Ned: Mmmm-they're spectacularrrr.
Jimbo: Ned, it's our job to get these to children all over America for the Fourth of July.
Scene Description: He and Ned take a rocket each.
Jimbo: We'll be like Santa Claus on Christmas morning.
Ned: Hmmm-bueyno.
Scene Description: Mr. Garrison's house. Garrison is on his chair, looking at the TV tensely. Then the telephone rings...
Mr. Garrison: Hello?
Caller (Mr. Mackey): Hello, is Mr. Hat there?
Mr. Garrison: Is this some kind of joke?
Caller (Mr. Mackey): [snickers] Yes.
Mr. Garrison: You go to hell! You go to hell and you die! I'm gonna find out who you are!
Caller (Mr. Mackey): I don't think you can, m'kay.
Scene Description: Mr. Garrison hangs up.
Mr. Garrison: Goddammit..!
Scene Description: He turns on the TV to PBS, when Shari Lewis and Lamb Chop are on.
Shari Lewis: So, Lamb Chop, what would you like to do today?
Lamb Chop: Well, I'd like to sing you a song.
Shari: Hey, let's sing one to-gether!
Lamb Chop: As long as we're together, we can do anything We can take on the whole darn world We're happy as clams, with plenty of pearls Through thick and thin, we've always been to-geth-er...
Scene Description: Mr. Garrison descends into madness as the song progresses, until he imagines himself going to her studio.
Shari: Whoa-aagghh! Aagghh! Aggh!
Scene Description: Mr. Garrison approaches, and with a small ax, chops off Lamb Chop from Shari's hand and tosses it onto a lit barbecue grill. Flames rise up and engulf Lamb Chop.
Shari: No! Lamb Chop, no!
Lamb Chop: Shari, help me... It burns! It burns..!
Scene Description: Mr. Garrison is shown smiling away on his armchair, having dreamed out his anger.
Scene Description: Meanwhile, over at the Community Pool. The swimming instructor has five swimmers in front of her at the deep end, and Cartman stands alone at the shallow end.
Instructor: Eric, you have to get in the deep end sooner or later.
Cartman: Later's fine.
Instructor: Just do your side stroke.
Cartman: I only know how to do it doggie style.
Instructor: That's doggie-paddle, Eric. Now come over here!
Cartman: Can I do it doggie style?
Instructor: Okay.
Scene Description: Cartman starts paddling towards her.
Instructor: That's it! That's it, you can do it!
Cartman: Sweet..!
Scene Description: Three first graders swim by, leaving yellow trails. That stops him.
Cartman: Awww, dammit! Aw, not again!
Instructor: Come on, Eric!
Cartman: No way! Those sons of bitches! I'm going home.
Scene Description: News 4. Our top story tonight...
Anchor: Fourth of July is finally here, and with the state-wide ban on fireworks, people from all over Colorado are flocking to South Park. Here with a special report is a normal-looking guy with a funny name.
Creamy Goodness: Thanks, Tom. It looks like the firework ban won't be putting a damper on one town's festivities tonight. I'm here at Stark's Pond in South Park, where the crowd of residents and scores of tourists anxiously await the lighting of the largest snake in human history.
Scene Description: Some of the folks have picnic blankets set out and many are mugging for the camera.
Creamy Goodness: Now, as most of you will probably remember, snakes are these little round disks that you light, and they spew out a little snake of black ash. Well, the South Park snake is over half a mile in diameter, and twenty stories high. I'm told that this event won't begin until the sun goes down and night is upon us.
Scene Description: So it is said, so it is done.
Creamy Goodness: Alrighty then, looks like we're ready.
Scene Description: Orchestra stage. Everyone is present and ready to play.
Stan: How are your swimming lessons going, Cartman?
Cartman: Fine.
Kyle: I heard you won't even get in the deep end.
Cartman: Well, you heard wrong, hippie!
Scene Description: A wide view of Stark's Pond and everyone in the area around it. Then, the mayor is on the main stage with her aides about to address the crowd.
Mayor McDaniels: Ladies and gentlemen, good citizens of Colorado. It's my pleasure to be the first person to wish you all a happy Fourth of July! Let's start with our school band playing The Stars and Stripes!
Mr. Romero: This is it. And a-one and a-two and a...
Scene Description: The kids begin to play, and the result is as bad as in practice. The audience members are covering their ears.
Audience: Ooohhhh..!
Mayor McDaniels: What is fuck is that?!
Aide 2: I think it's The Stars and Stripes.
Mayor McDaniels: Oh, hell. Light the snake!
Scene Description: Everyone cheers. About 57 people with flamethrowers step forward and fire up the snake.
Audience: Ooooooh!
Scene Description: The snake begins to bulge.
Audience: Ahhhhh!
Scene Description: The Mayor is pleased with success.
Scene Description: Mexico; night. Jimbo and Ned are almost close to the border.
Jimbo:: Alright, Ned. Now we're coming up to the American border. They can't know that we have fireworks in the trunk. Just let me do the talking.
Scene Description: Ned says nothing. Jimbo laughs.
Jimbo: I guess that goes without saying, doesn't it?
Scene Description: Jimbo laughs some more. They arrive at the Border. Jimbo and Ned drive up. The border guard greets them.
Guard: Good evening, gentlemen.
Jimbo: Hello there, fellow American. We're just anxious to get back to our homeland.
Guard: Alright, I just need to ask you a few questions.
Jimbo: Fire away, we have nothing to hide.
Guard: Is anyone other than the two of you traveling in this vehicle?
Jimbo: No, sir.
Guard: Do you have any firearms or explosives in the car?
Jimbo: Yes. [Ned recoils.] I mean, no! No!
Scene Description: The gurad brings out his flashlight and turns it on.
Guard: Open your trunk, please, sir.
Scene Description: He moves toward the trunk.
Jimbo: Damn! Damn! I always get that question wrong!
Scene Description: Stark's Pond. The crowds are still cheering and the band is still playing, and the snake is still growing. Cartman intently turns a page at his sheet music.
Mayor McDaniels: My God, it's beautiful. It never fails to amaze me how I manage to overcome adversity.
Scene Description: The snake is still growing, and the Mayor frowns.
Mayor McDaniels: Say uh, Charlie, when does that thing die out?
Charlie: Die out?
Mayor McDaniels: Yes, you know, expire, end.
Scene Description: Long pause. Charlie looks up and back.
Mayor McDaniels: Hello? I'm asking you when it stops?
Charlie: Uhhh, I'm not sure; I never made one this big.
Scene Description: The snake keeps growing.
Charlie: I guess we didn't quite think this through, did we?
Mayor McDaniels: What?!
Kyle: [Looking up.] Dude! That thing is huge!
Stan: Yeah, they need to shut it off.
Cartman: [Distracted.] Hey! You guys are screwin' up the song!
Scene Description: The crowd becomes nervous as well as awed.
Man 1: Somebody stop it!
Man 2: It's out of control!
Scene Description: Everyone runs away screaming as the snake starts to bend, then part of the snake falls off.
Stan/Kyle/ Cartman: Aarrgghh!!
Scene Description: All the children jump off the stage. Kenny, however...
Kyle: Kenny! Watch out!
Scene Description: The piece of the snake hits the stage.
Kenny: (Waarrggh!!)
Scene Description: Kenny jumps clear and lands under the bleachers.
Kenny: (Dude! You guys, I really, really don't have time to tell you that- Argghh..!)
Scene Description: The snake mows down the bleachers, crushing Kenny.
Stan: Oh, my God! They killed Kenny!
Kyle: You bastard!
Mayor McDaniels: [Horrified.] Oh my God! [Grabs Charlie.] You tell me, how much longer this thing is gonna last?!
Charlie: Let's see. A normal-size snake lasts three minutes... [Mutters indistinctly.]
Mayor McDaniels: So when does it run out?!
Charlie: November. Of next year.
Mayor McDaniels: Oh, hell..!
Scene Description: People are running and screaming away from the snake. Kyle picks up a violin and starts playing a dirge. Stan returns and looks at him, then takes up his own violin. Cartman, Bill, Fosse, and Token join in and take up their instruments; and they all start playing "Nearer My God To Thee" in tune.
Scene Description: July 5th, 6 a.m., Stark's Pond. News 4 coverage resumes.
Creamy Goodness: Well, we're coming up on nine hours, and the giant snake of South Park shows no signs of stopping. Residents have tried everything from fire-hoses to yelling at it to make the snake stop, but nothing seems to work.
Tom: Thanks, Creamy. Police are advising all citizens to stay indoors, not breathe the ashen air, and not ever light any giant snakes in the near future.
Scene Description: The snake is now some thirty feet wide and moving down South Park's main thoroughfare, incinerating everything in its path.
Stan: Man, this sucks.
Kyle: What should we do, dude? That big snake keeps growing; it's gonna demolish the whole state soon!
Stan: We should do what we always do. Ask Chef for help.
Cartman: Where is Chef?
Scene Description: Somewhere, in the Caribbean, Chef is singing to three waitresses, one of them holding a phone.
Chef: [Slowly.] Baby, you know you're the girl for me-ee And all that I want to be-ee-ee is... [Quickly.] You and me And her; simultaneous You and me, and you and you Simultaneous lovin', baby Two or three; simultaneous Ooh, that's right... [The phone rings and Chef answers it.] Hello? What? Oh, hello, children. It's a what?... A giant snake?... Killing everybody?!... Growing bigger?!... Children, you know I rarely say this but... Well, fudge ya. [He hangs up and resumes singing.] Simultaneous, you and me And you and you Simultaneous lovin', baby Two or three...
Scene Description: South Park. The smoke is heavy in the air. Stan hangs up the phone.
Kyle: What'd he say?
Stan: Dude, I think he told us to go fuck ourselves.
Cartman: Wow.
Kyle: How is that gonna help?
Scene Description: National News, on the U.S. map behind the anchor, the snake is shown having separated into four snakes. The first has gone through the Northwest and backtracked into Canada. The second has gone into the Great Plains and is headed for the East Coast. The third has gone down into Texas and the South, and the fourth has gone through the Southwest and is now in Northern Mexico.
Anchor: All over America, the effects of the giant ash snake of South Park can be seen.
Scene Description: Utah, Mormons are gathered for a baptism at a river.
Preacher: Yea, let the spirit of Heavenly Father be blessed upon you.
Scene Description: The preacher dunks the catechumen into the river.
Assistant: From this day on, all will be well.
Scene Description: The new member pops up.
New Mormon: I already feel like things are getting better.
Scene Description: Snake One comes and engulfs them all.
Scene Description: New York.
Mr. Garrison: And I can't sleep or think...
Scene Description: Inside a psychiatrist's office, Mr. Garrison lies on a couch.
Mr. Garrison: Where would he have gone? Why would he leave?
Dr. Katz: Well um, let me ask you this. Why? Wher-where do you think... Mr. Hat... went?
Mr. Garrison: How the fuck should I know? If I knew that, I wouldn't be seein' a fuckin' psychiatrist, would I?
Dr. Katz: Well... I guess, I-I see what you're saying. Yeah.
Mr. Garrison: At first I was sure one of the children took him, but then I remembered that Mr. Hat and I actually had a fight that morning.
Dr. Katz: Um... Ahem...
Scene Description: Long pause.
Dr. Katz: Are you gay?
Mr. Garrison: What?!
Dr. Katz: [Stammers.] It-it's j-just- It's just a question.
Mr. Garrison: Are you propositioning me?
Dr. Katz: No.
Mr. Garrison: Well, I can tell that that I am 100% not gay!
Dr. Katz: Well, I believe you, I... absolutely believe you.
Mr. Garrison: Mr. Hat, on the other hand...
Dr. Katz: Mr. Hat was gay?
Mr. Garrison: Sometimes he fantasizes about same-sex relations.
Dr. Katz: I see.
Mr. Garrison: Sometimes Mr. Hat liked to pretend he was in a sauna with Brett Favre, and a bottle of Thousand Island dressing.
Dr. Katz: That I did not need to know.
Mr. Garrison: Well, I'm just sayin'.
Mr. Katz: Mr. Garrison, I think that Mr. Hat was actually your gay side trying to come out. You see, it's-it's you that's gay, but, but you're in denial, so...you act out your gay persona with a homosexual puppet.
Scene Description: Mr. Garrison doesn't say anything.
Dr. Katz: What do you think about that?
Mr. Garrison: I think you're the loony one in this room.
Scene Description: Snake Two bounds over several buildings, knocking them off their foundations. It smashes through the window and burns Dr. Katz to the bone.
Mr. Garrison: Serves you right, you gay-bashing homo.
Scene Description: Meanwhile, inside a Texas prison, Jimbo and Ned share a cell.
Jimbo: Well, Ned, looks like we missed Fourth of July again.
Ned: Mmmmmmm-yup.
Jimbo: Dammit! Those poor kids must have been so disappointed to have nothin' but them stupid wussy snakes to light.
Ned: Mmm-well better luck next year.
Jimbo: Yeah, you're right. Okay, let's try again.
Ned: [Reads cue card.] Mmmm-is anyone other than the two of you riding in this vehicle?
Jimbo: No.
Ned: Mmmm-do you have any firearms or explosives in the car?
Jimbo: [Hesitantly.] Yes?
Scene Description: Ned shakes his head.
Jimbo: Dammit! I got it wrong again! What's the answer again?
Scene Description: Snake Three makes its way to the prison and smashes through the wall of their cell. Jimbo is startled.
Jimbo: Holy smokes! What the hell is that?
Ned: Mmm-it looks like my ex-wife!
Jimbo: Quick, Ned! This is our chance! The Hummer's outside!
Scene Description: Green Bay, Wisconsin. Sports Spa. Brett Favre enters and removes his shirt, but keeps his towel on. Mr. Hat is already seated on the lower bench.
Brett Favre: Hi. I hasn't seen you in here before.
Scene Description: Mr. Hat blinks and looks at him.
Scene Description: City Hall. The coverage continues.
Reporter: As more and more cities are affected by the growing ash and the death toll rises to 3,000...
Scene Description: A tree inexplicably falls over.
Reporter: ...people from all over the country are looking to the Mayor of South Park for answers.
Scene Description: The hall doors open and the Mayor's aides step forward.
Reporter: ...And it appears as if the Mayor is going to explain matters now.
Aide 1: Uh, ladies and gentlemen, the Mayor of South Park regrets that she cannot be here herself, but she is... sick.
Reporter 2: "Sick"?! What kind of lame excuse is that?
Print Reporter: You gotta be kidding me!
Reporter 3: Oh, this is ridiculous!
Reporter 4: Come on, we want answers.
Aide 2: Sh-she's having her period.
Scene Description: The reporters fall silent. Reporter 3 gasps quietly.
Reporter 4: [Softly.] Oh.
Aide 1: We do, however, have an official statement for all the concerned cities about the matter with the giant snake that we can't seem to put out.
Scene Description: Aide 2 pulls out a statement and reads it.
Aide 2: "We're sorry. Our bad."
Aide 1: Thank you, that is all.
Scene Description: They turn around and go back into City Hall. The reporters are left grousing.
Scene Description: Meanwhile at the Community Pool. Notice reads: POOL CLOSED Due to Hazardous SNAKE FIREWORK Cartman is all alone in the swimming pool.
Cartman: Okay. No first graders around. I can swim to the deep end.
Scene Description: He starts swimming to the deep end.
Cartman: Yeah... I can do it. I can do it. I can- I'm gonna make it.
Scene Description: From his view. The diving board is getting closer and closer.
Scene Description: Meanwhile, in outer space, the snakes can be seen growing longer and longer across the face of the nation.
Scene Description: Back at Stark's Pond, the disk is still producing the snake. Stan and Kyle sit under a tree with nothing to do, and next to them a man rests on a poster with a message: "Repent - The end is here".
Stan: How many days left in summer?
Kyle: A lot, I think.
Stan: Dammit! I just want it to snow again!
Kyle: I don't think it matters, dude. This giant snake is gonna kill everyone soon.
Scene Description: Jimbo and Ned arrive.
Jimbo: Buenos gracias, boys.
Stan: Hi, Uncle Jimbo.
Jimbo: Oh, now, why the long faces?
Kyle: We're bored.
Stan: There's nothin' to do.
Jimbo: Well, I don't think those are problems...
Scene Description: Jimbo
Jimbo: ...that some Tijuana bottle rockets can't solve!
Stan/Kyle: Hooray!
Jimbo: Careful with those, now, those are dangerous.
Scene Description: Stan and Kyle set up the rockets and Jimbo lights them. The rockets are as big as the boys.
Jimbo: Point 'em away from your eyes, now.
Kyle: Wow! These are huge!
Jimbo: Aw, look at 'em, Ned. Look how much happiness a little firepower can bring to a child.
Scene Description: The rockets are launched and they head for the snake. Upon impact, the snake falls apart, and the base of it loses its fire. Ash now rains down upon everyone.
Stan: Hey, look! We blew up the snake!
Scene Description: Everyone cheers.
Citizen: All the ash from the snake is putting the flame out.
Jimbo: Well, how do you like that? Bottle rockets saved the Fourth of July!
Stan/Kyle: Hooray!
Scene Description: A crowd begins to gather, meanwhile, back at the community pool, Cartman has almost reached his goal.
Cartman: I'm gonna make it. I'm gonna make it to the deep end.
Scene Description: He touches the wall at the 9½ foot mark.
Cartman: I did it! I did it! I made it to the deep end! Hooray for me!
Instructor: [Off-screen.] The snake's been destroyed. [Removes notice.] The pool's open!
Cartman: Huh?
Scene Description: All the first graders jump into the pool, the water turns yellow in a matter of seconds.
Cartman: Oh, no, you sons of bitches! Aww, sons of bitches..!
Scene Description: He makes his way out along the edge of the pool.
Scene Description: Stark's Pond.
Citizen 2: Look! They put out the snake!
Scene Description: Everyone cheers.
Mayor McDaniels: Yes! Apparently, my plan to-o blow up the snake worked perfectly.
Scene Description: Ned, Jimbo, Stan and Kyle look at her.
Kyle: Hey, look! It's snowing!
Scene Description: The others, and the crowd, look and ponder.
Jimbo: Well, it's snowing black ash, but what the hell.
Scene Description: Clyde, Annie, Red, and Token, cheer, and dance around in the ash.
Scene Description: The mountains are now capped in ash. Stan and Kyle work on an ash man, and Pip is singing with his family once again. (His parents are not dead.) Clyde and another kid take a sled down an ash drift.
Stan: Winter's back!
Scene Description: Mr. Garrison walks up with Mr. Twig, his new puppet which is a stick with a little purple shirt with a pink triangle on it.
Mr. Garrison: Wow, it's a black blizzard!
Kyle: Mr. Garrison, where's Mr. Hat?
Mr. Garrison: Oh, I'm through with Mr. Hat. He's a two-timin' whore. From now on, children, you're all gonna be learning from Mr. Twig.
Mr. Twig: That's right, children. I'll see you in the fall.
Stan: Well, I can hardly wait.
Scene Description: South Park, a few days later, Chef drives up and steps out of his car.
Chef: Hey, children, everybody! I'm back! I'm back from Aruba! What the..?
Scene Description: Before him, some kids play on ash-covered ground. They are pretty much in blackface. Cartman has joined Stan and Kyle in working on the ashman.
Stan: Hey, Chef!
Cartman: How's it going?
Scene Description: Chef looks left. A couple is clearing out ash from the main street.
Man: Howdy, Chef. How was your summer vacation?
Scene Description: Long pause.
Chef: Okay! E-verbody get in a line, so I can whoop all your asses!
Scene Description: End Credits. "Simultaneous Lovin'" plays.