Scene Description: Ichi Ban Karate, day. The boys are in a karate class geared towards kids. Their fathers sit behind the instructor, keeping themselves busy as the kids take lessons.
Class: Ichi!
Instructor: Ichi!
Class: Ichi!
Instructor: Ichi!
Class: Ichi!
Instructor: Ichi!
Class: Ichi!
Instructor: Ichi!
Class: Ichi!
Cartman: Ichi banzai
Instructor: Ichi!
Cartman: Ichi banzai! Kya!
Instructor: Karutamane-san! What are you doing?!
Cartman: I'm doing some sweet bun-sow moves. [an aside] I'm a little better than everyone else here.
Instructor: Eriku-san, you must follow direction! You raku disciprine!
Cartman: Nah-uh, I don't raku disciprine!
Instructor: Mina-san! You all needu more disciprine! [softens his tone] True disciprine... come from within. We are out of time. I will see you on Tuesday. [he dismisses the class in Japanese, they answer back]
Kyle: [to Stan] Dude, we've gotta hurry home! The final episode of Lost is on soon. [Cartman and Ike join them. Cartman is wearing a WWII-era Japanese flag as a head band]
Cartman: Yeah, let's go.
Stan: [looks around] Wait. Where's my Dad?
Kyle: He knew he had to take us all home, too, right?
Stan: Yeah.
Scene Description: Outside Ichi Ban Karate. The boys are last out of the class.
Stan: Dad? Where the hell could he have gone??
Randy: [waddles in from Stan's right drunk, carrying two bottles of beer] Oh hey, sorry boys.
Male Voice: Later Randy.
Randy: [turns to look at the source] Hey, see you Nelson.
Stan: Dad, weren't you watching?
Randy: Well, I ran into Nelson from work. We were at the bar watching the game. Two-dollar margaritas! It was great. All right, come on, I'll drive you guys home. [waddles onto a parking space on his way to the driver door]
Kyle: Are you sure you're all right?
Randy: Oh yeah, I'll be fine. I got some beers to keep my buzz going.
Scene Description: On the road. Randy chugs more beer as he drives the boys back home. Ike, Cartman, and Kyle sit in the back seat. Stan watches as Randy finishes one bottle, tosses it to the floor, opens another one, and starts chugging.
Stan: Dad, aren't you supposed to like, not drink and drive?
Randy: I'm not drinking and driving, I'm driving while I'm drinking. Right, boys?
Cartman: Sure, whatever dude.
Randy: ...Oh I gotta pee. Hand me that empty bottle, Stan.
Stan: Why not just pull over?
Randy: Stan, you need to learn some things about being a man! Now give me that bottle! [Stan picks up a bottle and hands it to him] There's a [Zip. Stan's jaw drops] reason why God made our penises like little hoses, boys. Hold the wheel, Stan. [Stan reaches over and holds it in place] When you boys start driving, you're gonna need to learn to do this too. Woahp! [swerves to avoid what turns out to be a police car]
Stan: Dad, we're gonna crash!
Randy: Shh! Trying to concentrate! [the cruiser revs up, its lights turn on, and it begins to follow the car. Kyle looks to see what the cop will do] Just hold the damn wheel! [the sound of urine pouring into an empty bottle is heard]
Kyle: Dude, I think you're being followed. [turns around. Cartman then turns around to look]
Randy: Oh yeah? [instinctively displays his middle finger] Get off my ass, dickhole!
Cartman: [turns around] No, dude, it's the police. [the sirens are heard]
Randy: Aww crap! [pulls over. The cruiser does as well] Here, hold this! [gives Stan the warm bottle of urine, looks around, and zips up his fly.]
Stan: Aww, it's all warm!
Randy: Everybody just stay calm! I can handle this, no problem. I know how to deal. [sticks some gum into his mouth and starts chewing. The cop taps on his window. Randy lowers the window.]
Officer: License and registration, please.
Randy: What seems to be the officer, problem?
Officer: [studies the situation, then] ...Sir, why don't you step out of the car for me?
Randy: Okay. [steps out of the car and straggles a few steps]
Officer: Sir, I'm going to give you a sobriety test.
Randy: Okay, no problem. Easy.
Officer: Stand over here, please? [moves him a few steps] Right there. All right, now I want you to hold your arms out at your sides... [Randy stands there for a moment, then raises his arms out]
Randy: Ooof. There! I did it, see?! No problem!
Officer: And now touch your finger to your nose.
Randy: Do what??
Officer: Touch your finger to your nose.
Randy: Wull come on, that's impossible!
Officer: Just bring one hand to your nose, like this. [demonstrates.]
Randy: Okay... Okay, hang on... Okay... [begins to make the attempt and wobbles] Okay, hang, ha-, ...hang on... Hol-! Hold on. [turns around and his pants begin falling around his legs] Wa-hang on, hang on. [Cartman and Kyle are watching, Stan can't bear to look]
Cartman: Dude, what the hell is he doing?
Kyle: I think his pants are falling down.
Scene Description: moments later, Randy is arrested and placed in the back seat of the cruiser.
Randy: What? What did I do?! [the officer closes the door] What did I do?!
Scene Description: South Park police station. Officers go about their business as Randy is brought in. Randy is now taking a breathalyzer test.
Officer: Keep blowing. Keep blowing. Keep blowing. [Randy vomits onto the floor all of a sudden] Aw Jesus!
Scene Description: South Park police station, waiting area.
Stan: [still not looking] This is sooo embarrassing.
Cartman: You know, Stan, I'd say your dad racksa disciprine!
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, next day, classroom. The kids are in class before the school bell rings, chatting.
Kyle: You know, I didn't even get home until 2:30.
Cartman: Man, that was such a bummer.
Stan: Look, guys, about last night, can you just be quiet about it?
Cartman: Why?
Stan: Because, I don't want everyone knowing, okay? Could we please just keep this to ourselves?
Cartman: All right, Stan. Sure. [the school bell rings and Mrs. Garrison enters with her books, setting them on her desk]
Mrs. Garrison: Okay children, let's take our seats. [the kids take their seats] Today we will be continuing our study of economics. But first, we're going to hear from a motivational speaker. The state has sent over somebody to talk to you all about the dangers of drunk driving. Please welcome Stan's dad. [a sober Randy walks in slowly and looks down]
Stan: Oh Jesus. [puts his hands over his eyes. Mrs. Garrison sits at her chair]
Randy: Well uh, I'm, s'posed to tell you kids about how bad drinking is, um... I'd-did a little drinking and driving. As part of my punishment I'm... doing community service work at schools like these.
Mrs. Garrison: Oh that's very interesting, isn't it, kids? [the kids stay silent, Stan buries his face in his desk]
Randy: Uh, you you shouldn't drink, because it leads to uh bad things. I was in jail for the night and well I guess I donno, I... Just don't drink but,... if you must drink, d-definitely don't drive. I've... definitely learned that firsthand, and uh, uuh, that's all, I guess.
Mrs. Garrison: ...Well, I think we've all learned an important lesson, haven't we, class? If you don't make the right choices in life, you could end up being a big loser like Stan's dad. [the kids stay silent, Stan keeps his face buried] Drinking and driving is for idiots. Nobody wants to end up like Stan's dad, do they? [another shot of the class] I want you all to take a good look at Stan's dad and say, "Is that who I want to be in thirty years? Getting tickets and having to go to elementary school classrooms and talk about how pathetic I am?" Thank you Mr. Marsh, I think you made your point. [Randy turns away and walks out of the class]
Scene Description: Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. A 12-step program is on the wall behind the speaker.
AA Speaker: Hello again everyone, my name is Michael, and, I'm an alcoholic.
Group: [all wave] Hi, Michael.
Michael: As most of you know I once lost my job and my family because of my drinking. But with the help of AA I've been sober for ten years now. [the group claps] Anyone have anything they wanna tell the groups, for starters?
Man 1: [stands up] My name's Bill, and Im an alcoholic.
Group: Hi Bill.
Randy: [subdued] Hi Bill.
Bill: I've been using the 12-step program for about two months now and, and I'm really turning my life around. No more blowing guys on Colfax Avenue for a pint of vodka for THIS cowboy! [the group claps. Bill sits down]
Michael: That's great. And I understand this is somebody's first AA meeting, is that right? [Randy points to himself]</> Y-yes, you sir. Stand on up and introduce yourself.
Randy: [rises] Um, my name's Randy, and... I just, really like beer.
Man 2: You have to admit you're an alcoholic.
Randy: [slowly] But, I don't know if I'm really an alcoholic.
Big woman: Then why are you here?
Randy: Because I got a DUI and so I'm required to attend AA meetings for two weeks. I was stupid one night and drank too much and then drove a car. That was dumb and I'm not gonna do it again.
Michael: Randy, you are powerless to make that decision. The only thing that works is the 12-step program. [points out the 12 steps] Step 1 is admitting that you are powerless to control your drinking. Only then can you move on to the other 12 steps, like, believing that only a higher power, God, makes you stop drinking. And then, turning your life over to that God and, humbly asking God to remove your weaknesses.
Randy: What wait wait, hold on. I never knew that Alcoholics Anonymous was a religious thing.
Michael: Well it's not religious. You just have to admit that there is some kind of god which has power over you and turn your life over to that god and ask him for forgiveness. That's the 12-step program, not religion.
Randy: Look, I, I really just need to cut down on my drinking and never drive the car drunk again.
Michael: [approaches Randy] You just can't cut down on your drinking, Randy. You need to know something. You have a disease.
Randy: Uh... a disease?
Michael: That's right. Alcoholism is a disease. You're sick, Randy. You're very very sick. And just like with most diseases, you can't cure it yourself. And it's deadly.
Randy: [appalled by the "diagnosis"] Oh my God...
Scene Description: Stan's house, later. Stan arrives and enters. As he hears the sofa, he sees his father wrapped in a blanket and bottles of beer on the coffee table before him. Another bottle is next to him on the couch. He's sipping more beer.
Stan: Dad! What the hell are you doing?!
Randy: [quivering] Hello, Stan.
Stan: Dad, it's the middle of the day! I thought you weren't going to drink as much anymore!
Randy: No, Stan, you don't understand. I have a disease. Daddy's very sick.
Stan: What?? Did you go to your AA meeting?!
Randy: Yes, they're the ones that told me. I thought I could just quite drinking on my own, but... it's an illness, son. I have to admit that I'm powerless to this terrible disease. [coughs, drinks, and burps.]
Stan: Dad, you've had enough! Just stop now!
Randy: I can't! I'm sick! [begins to cry and walks off in his blanket. He goes to the bathroom and closes the door, then goes to the vanity and looks in the mirror] It's not fair! Why did you give me this disease?! [coughs as he cries, then takes some shears to his hair and shaves it off. Stan is about to pour milk into a glass downstairs] Stan! Stan! [Stan stops and sets the carton of milk down, then walks into the living room, where Randy is now seated in a wheelchair.] Stan.
Stan: Aww, Goddammit!
Randy: Stan I... need your help.
Stan: Dad, what are you doing in Grandpa's extra wheelchair?!
Randy: Gotta try to take it easy from now on, son. Get Daddy another beer, will ya?
Stan: No! You don't need another beer!
Randy: [turns away and rolls off] I know that! But this disease is just eating me up! I hate my illness!
Stan: Dad, you just need to not drink so much. It's very simple.
Randy: I wish it was that simple, son. But if I don't give myself up to a higher power, this disease is going to kill me dead. I'm afraid the only thing that will cure me... is a miracle.
Scene Description: the nighttime sky. The camera pans down from the big, bright moon to a church with a grotto in front with a statue of the Virgin Mary with halo looking down benevolently. Somewhere on the statue a red dot appears. The dot grows into a patch and begins to bleed down the gown. The parish priest is walking away from the church when he notices the bleeding. He turns to get a better look, smears some of the liquid onto his finger, and analyzes it.
Priest: [softly] Es un milagro. [loudly] Es un milagro! [immediately gets on his knees and crosses himself, then holds the bloodied finger upright]
Scene Description: A news report in front of the church, day. A crowd begins to gather at the grotto.
Chris: Tom, I'm standing in the garden of St. Peter's church in Bailey, where what some call a miracle is taking place. The statue of the Virgin Mary has started to bleed. Out its ass. [an establishing shot of the statue] The phenomenon was first seen by Father Harold Barnes, [standing with the Spanish-speaking priest in front of the statue's backside] who saw the blood coming from the Virgin Mary's ass late last night. [back to the reporter] People from all over the state have flocked here to the church to witness the apparent miracle firsthand.
Woman 1: Well, we just heard that this miracle was happening and we wanted to see it for ourselves and come and pray.
Chris: Why do you believe the Virgin Mary is dripping blood?
Woman 2: Well it may represent her sorrow over all the bad things going on in the world.
Chris: Why do you believe the Virgin Mary is dripping blood out her ass? [both women stay silent] As news of the miracle spreads, hundreds are expected to show up here at the church, hoping to witness the miracle, and even cure their diseases.
Scene Description: The Marsh living room. Randy's watching the screen.
Randy: Cure... cure disease. STAN!!
Scene Description: The next AA meeting.
Man 3: My name is Harry and I'm an alcoholic.
Group: Hi Harry.
Harry: I've been sober now for five years and I I've learned that drinking ice tea and, and getting more involved with my relationship with God is, is, is way more fun than partying.
Woman 2: It it sure is.
Harry: Once I accepted that I was powerless to control my drinking and my life, I I put it in God's hands and now, these meeting are the most fun thing I do.
Man 4: Yeah. [Stan enters the meeting room and walks up towards the front]
Stan: Ah, excuse me, who's in charge here?
Michael: None of us are in charge. We're all powerless.
Group: We sure are. That's right. Uh huh.
Stan: Uh, look, my dad was here yesterday and ...you all kind of messed him up by telling him he had a disease?
Harry: Alcoholism is a disease.
Stan: No it, it's not. And, y-you can't just go around saying stuff like that to people like my dad. He He's kind of, a hypochondriac
Man 2: It is a disease because it's a physical dependency. That makes it a disease.
Stan: No, cancer is a disease. My dad needs to drink less.
Michael: He can't quit by himself. None of us could. He needs divine intervention. Spirituality.
Stan: No, he just needs a disciprine. But thanks to you people, my dad now thinks he has a disease that he can't cure himself.
Michael: Young man, do you know anything about the 12-Step Program?
Stan: Yeah, and I also know a thing or two about cults. I was the leader of one for a while. [he is promptly kicked out] Goddammit! [walks off]
Scene Description: Another news report.
Chris: The crowd grows larger every hour, as the statue of the Virgin Mary continues to miraculously cry blood... out her ass. A Cardinal, Mallory, has been sent by the Vatican to determine whether this is a true miracle or not. [the cardinal and two assistants walk into the grotto]
Father Barnes: [showing the Cardinal where to go.] Right this way, Cardinal. [the cardinal, priests, and assistants go behind the statue] The blood always comes from the same area. Sometimes a little, sometimes a lot. [the Cardinal walks into position and begins to take a good look. He puts on his glasses and looks again. He looks even closer, and a stream of blood shoots at his eyes. His face and bust are full of blood as he moves from the back of the statue to the front. He wipes gobs of blood from his glasses and mouth and tosses them to the floor]
Cardinal Mallory: [Irish accent] It's a miracle! [the waiting crowd cheers]
Scene Description: The street. Stan is still pissed off from his expulsion from the AA meeting, but he notices his father grunting. Randy is next to the car, still in the wheelchair. He opens the car door and climbs in.
Randy: [burps] Uh, kay, here we go. [gets into position]
Stan: [rushes up] Dad?! Dad, what are you doing?!
Randy: I gotta drive to Bailey. [chugs another beer]
Stan: Dad, you're drunk! You're not driving a car!
Randy: No, Stan, you don't understand. There's a church in Bailey. The statue of the Virgin Mary is bleeding out her ass.
Stan: [stays quiet, then] What??
Randy: They say her divine ass blood has miraculous healing power. She can cure my alcoholism! I'll be back soon!
Stan: Dad, you can't drive! Your license is suspended, remember?! If you get pulled over again, you're gonna go to jail for ten years!
Randy: [thinks] Alright... then you drive. [points to Stan]
Stan: ... I'm eight!
Randy: [makes a fist with his right hand] This is my only hope, Stan! Either you drive this car or I will!
Scene Description: On the road. Randy sits in the passenger side chugging more beer.
Randy: I sure hope this works. No. No, it will work! I have to put my faith in a higher power. I HAVE to believe that this will work! [looks off to his left] There! There's the church! Stop right here, Stan!
Stan: Where? I can't see.
Randy: Right here is good! Brake pedal! Left pedal! [Stan manages to pull into a spot] Alright, get my wheelchair out of the back. [takes another chug of beer]
Scene Description: St. Peter's Church in Bailey, night. Stan wheels Randy up to the end of the line, but isn't happy to be doing this.
Randy: Is this the line? [Stan's eyes open wide. Before them is a long line leading up to the grotto] Oh God! [gets in line] Is this whole line people waiting to be cured?
Man 5: Yeah. I was diagnosed with brain cancer two months ago. I feel like this is my only hope.
Randy: I know exactly how you feel. I've got alcoholism.
Stan: [covers his eyes] Oh my God...
Randy: Wait a minute. Stan, isn't that Josh Garrett up there? He's from South Park. Maybe he'll let us in line with him.
Stan: Dad, let's just wait our turn.
Randy: I could die waiting in this line, Stan. Come on, let's go! [Stan wheels him up to Josh.] Heeey heh, Josh Garrett. How you doin'?
Josh: Oh, hey Randy. What happened to you??
Randy: I've got a disease: Alcoholism. It's pretty serious. You?
Josh: Mm-my daughter has elephantitis [the camera pans down to a horribly deformed girl with a bad breathing condition and crutches.]
Randy: We are the same, she and I.
Man 6: Eey, what do you think you're doin', kid?
Old woman: [in her wheelchair]You're trying to cut in line!
Stan: I just, my dad was-
Man 7: [walks around the old woman] You're a butter! You're a dirty line cutter! [the statue is shown, and another elderly lady walks up to it. Father Barnes takes some blood from the statue's ass and forms a cross with it on the woman's forehead]
Old woman 2: Praise Jesus. [walks away smiling. The crowd moves up on. Randy didn't return to the back of the line.]
Randy: This is taking too long! I'm gonna run out of beer! Stan!
Stan: What?!
Randy: [in hushed tones] You see that guy up there? I think he has a kidney disease. Every couple of minutes he gets out of line to go to the bathroom. When he leaves next, let's take his place.
Stan: No, Dad, people will see!
Randy: The guy behind him is blind! There he goes! C'mon! C'mon! Go go go! [the line advances and Stan and Randy quickly move in and fill the space]
Blind man: Hey. I smell a butter.
Woman 3: He did, that kid just cut in line!
Man 8: Back o'the line, butter!
Randy: I'm going to die!
Stan: [gets into position to move the wheelchair to the back of the line] Dad, we're going back!
Officer: What's goin' on here?
Man 9: This kid's cutting in line!
Randy: Please, officer, you have to understand. I need a miracle way more than these people. I'm an alcoholic, and I'm powerless over it.
Officer: ...I understand. My, my brother's an alcoholic. Here, let me push you to the front of the line. [Stan looks on a bit stunned]
Randy: Oh bless you, sir! Bless you! [the line parts as the officer moves him] 'Scuse me, out of the way, alcoholic coming through! [the officer moves him into position. Randy wheels himself closer] She's... beautiful. [the statue squirts a long stream of blood on him and he rejoices in it] Aaaah. AAAAAaaaaah! [opens his eyes, and the statue quickly squirts him one more time. He then wheels himself into view and struggles to get up from the wheelchair. He still has a bottle with him] I'm... not... going... to drink this. I'm not going to drink this! [throws the bottle off somewhere] It's a miracle! I'm cured! [begins to dance away. Stan is embarrassed and stewing] Yoohoohoo! Praise Jesus! Praise Mary the Blessed Virgin Mother! Thank you! Thank you God! [runs off]
Scene Description: The Marsh house, morning at the breakfast table. Shelly is drinking some milk, Stan is reading a comic book, Sharon is making breakfast.
Randy: Good morning, family. The Lord has truly blessed us with another beautiful day. [reaches over and kisses Sharon, then goes to his seat at table] It's just amazing. I haven't had a drink in five days. Praise Christ. Praise him. [looks at his kids]
Stan: Praise Christ.
Shelly: Praise Christ.
Randy: I've got another AA meeting today and guess where it's gonna be, Stan. At Whistlin' Willy's Pizza, so you can come with me.
Stan: Naw, Dad, all the guys are going to Kyle's hosue to watch the Bronco game. Kenny and Kyle's Dads were hoping you'd come.
Randy: Stan, those people drink. I have new friends now. My AA friends, who have faith in a higher power.
Scene Description: Whistlin' Willy's Pizza Gulch, later.
Group: Yeah, all right, woohoo! [Randy and Stan sit among Randy's new friends and their kids.]
Randy: Boy this lemonade is great! Who knew how fun being sober could be?!
Group: Yeah! That's right! Right!
Boy: Your dad doesn't drink either?
Stan: No, my dad doesn't drink.
Boy: Does that mean we're friends? [Stan just looks over at him]
Randy: 'Scuse me, I-I'd like to address the group if I may.
Michael: Sure Randy, go ahead.
Randy: [rises] I'm Randy and I'm an alcoholic.
Group: Hi Randy.
Randy: But I put my faith in a higher power and... I haven't had a drink for five days now! [the group cheers him on, but behind him another news report pops up]
Scene Description: News Report from St. Peter's Church in Bailey.
Chris: An update from the bleeding Virgin Mary statue!
Randy: [turns around and reacts] Oh wait. Sh sh. Hold on a second, gang. [the group queits down]
Chris: Earlier today, the new pope, Pope Benedict the 16th himself, visited the statue here in Bailey to witness the miracle firsthand. [Footage of the pope walking through the crowd. People left and right kneel before him in reverence] It was an amazing sight to behold as Pope Benedict made his way through the throngs of people.
Cardinal Mallory: Right this way, Your Holiness.
Chris: The pope then examined the statue closely. [the pope draw closer... closer... blinks, gets closer... looks at the camera and raises his eyebrows quickly twice, turns back and gets closer, gets a stream of blood on his face, about as much as Randy got] After witnessing the phenomenon firsthand, the pope then cleaned himself off and then declared that the bleeding Virgin Mary statue is not a miracle!
Randy: What?
Chris: Having investigated closely, the pope determined that the blood was not coming from the Virgin Mary's ass, but rather, from her vagina. And the pope said quote, "A chick bleeding out her vagina is no miracle. Chicks bleed out their vagina's all the time." [a graphic with those words appears on screen, along with an image of the pope and his name, Pope Benedict XVI] Back to you, Tom.
Tom: Thanks, Edward, that's a very shocking report...
Randy: That means... I'm not cured. I still have the disease! [throws his mug of lemonade away and heads for the bar] Bartender! I need a drink! Three shots of McAllen, two small bottles of vodka, three bottles of beer and some Jell-O shooters! [getting frantic] Come ON! Let's GO!
Michael: Randy, uh what are you doing?
Randy: You heard what he said! [gathers his drinks and carries them] The higher power didn't cure me! I'm powerless again!
Man 10: I'm, I'm, I'm powerless too!
Man 11: Yeah me too!
Man 10: Get me seven martinis!
Man 12: Jack and Coke!
Scene Description: Whistlin' Willy's, outside. Randy staggers out with his drinks.
Stan: Dad, Dad, Stop!
Randy: [turns around, dropping an empty bottle] I'm sorry, son! I'm off the wagon!
Stan: Dad, you don't have to do this! You have the power. You haven't drank since seeing the statue.
Randy: But the statue wasn't a miracle!
Stan: Yeah. The statue wasn't a miracle, Dad. So that means you did it. That means you didn't have a drink for five days all on your own.
Randy: You're right, Stan. If God didn't make me stop drinking then... I did. Maybe... Maybe I can force myself to never drink again. [throws off all his drinks, and they shatter on the pavement.]
Stan: No!
Randy: No??
Stan: Dad, you like to drink. So have a drink once in a while. Have two. If you devote your whole life to completely avoiding something you like, then that thing still controls your life and, 'n you've never learned any discipline at all.
Randy: But, maybe... I'm just the kind of person who needs to have it all or nothing.
Stan: Naw. All or nothing is easy. But learning to drink a little bit, responsibly, that'sa disciprine. Disciprine... come from within. [Randy looks at Stan for a moment, then walks up to his side and kneels next to him.]
Randy: How did I manage to raise such a smart kid?
Stan: I've had a great teacher.
Randy: Thanks son.
Stan: No not you, my karate teacher. He's really smart.
Randy: Oh. Well, tell you what: let's leave the car here, walk home, and watch the game. Like to have another beer or two.
Stan: All right!
Randy: [lifts up his son and places him on his shoulders] Come on! [they begin to walk] Or maybe I'll have three beers. [they walk off towards the sunset in the street. Their shadows are long on the pavement as the sun blazes on the horizon]
Stan: That's probably okay if you spread it out.
Randy: Well how about four?
Stan: I think you're pushing it.
Randy: How about twenty?
Stan: That's not disciprine.
Randy: Right right. Does vodka count?
Stan: Dad!


Scene Description: "Previously on South Park" Daytime. Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny are playing with their toy trucks and cars under a tree in the neighborhood park. The basketball court, slide, and grass are cleared of snow. Stan runs up to them'
Stan: You guys, you guys! Chef is going away. [the others look up at him]
Kyle: Going away? For how long?
Stan: Forever.
Scene Description: Cut to the boys in the school kitchen, watching Chef pack up his apron
Chef: I'm sorry boys.
Scene Description: Cut to Chef in a bookstore
Stan: Chef said he's been bored, so he joining a group called the Super Adventure Club. [Chef opens a pamphlet about the club]
Chef: Wow!
Scene Description: Cut to Chef in Mrs. Garrison's classroom
Mrs. Garrison: Chef?? What kind of questions do you think adventuring around the world is gonna answer?!
Chef: What's the meaning of life? Why are we here?
Mrs. Garrison: I hope you're making the right choice.
Scene Description: Cartman's house, day. Cartman crying in front of Butters, in the middle of the living room
Cartman: I'm gonna miss him. [Butters walks forward a few steps and puts his hand on the sofa] I'm gonna miss Chef and I...and I don't know how to tell him! [turns his head left and cries into his left arm]
Scene Description: Stan and Kyle sit on a log by Stark's Pond watching the sunset
Stan: Dude, how are we gonna go on? Chef was our fuh...f-ffriend. [Kyle draws close and hugs him]
Scene Description: Cut to a meeting room in City Hall. The room is decorated with balloons and a sign saying "Good Luck, Chef!!" hangs over the town mayor
Mayor McDaniels: And we will all miss you, Chef, [Chef watches from a nearby table] but we know you must do what your heart tells you..
Scene Description: Dusk. Chef boards a Super Adventure Club jet. The town is out to see him off at the airport.
Jimbo: Bye-bye!
Gerald: Good-bye!
Mr. Mackey: So long!
A Man: So long Chef!
A Sign-Holder: Good-bye, Chef!
Randy: Good-bye, Chef! Have a good time at the Super Adventure Club!
Chef: [waves] Good-bye! [goes into the plane and disappears from the door. The door closes and the plane taxis away. The town waves good-bye to Chef again and Cartman bawls uncontrollably in a high-pitched voice. The plane climbs into the sky]..
Scene Description: And now, Part Two of "Life Without Chef" The boys are playing Uno in Stan's house. Their insults to each other are flat now that Chef is gone.'
Kyle: Draw two card, fatass.
Cartman: [draws two and puts one down] Reverse to you, Jew. [the doorbell rings]
Stan: [irritable] I'll get it. [rises and walks over. He opens the door...]
Chef: Hello there, children!
Stan: He's back!
Kyle: Yeah!
Cartman: All right! [applause comes out of nowhere. Chef gives them a hug]
Kyle: Chef! I can't believe you're back!
Chef: Well, it's true.
Stan: But are you back for good?
Chef: That's right.
Scene Description: 'The bar, daytime. Mrs. Garrison bursts through the door with the big news.'
Mrs. Garrison: Hey everybody! Chef's back!
Patrons: What? All right! Yeah! [they clear the bar to meet Chef]
Randy: Oh, finally! [prances away gleefully after the others]
Scene Description: 'Jimbo's house, later. Jimbo serves up lemonade. Everyone is laughing at Chef's tales, but they quiet down'
Gerald: Wow! It seems like you had a great time with the Super Adventure Club, Chef. They sound like interesting people.
Chef: Yeah!
Mrs. Garrison: But now that you're back here, does that mean you're not in the Super Adventure Club anymore?
Chef: N-No! No.
Randy: Ohhh, so have you decided you can still belong to the Super Adventure Club but live here in South Park again?
Chef: That's right.
Randy: Well, it seems like the Super Adventure Club was just what you needed, Chef. You must be feeling very happy that you found a club to belong to with new friends, but that you can also live here in South Park with all your old friends whom you care for deeply. [catches his breath] Right?
Chef: That's right, Randy! [everyone laughs approvingly]
Jimbo: Well Chef, you're welcome to stay with me until you buy another house.
Chef: Thank you, Jimbo.
Randy: Well, come on everybody. I'm sure Chef would like a little time to get moved back in.
Chef: That's right! Thank you. Good-bye everybody.
Townsfolk: Later. Great to have you back. Bye-bye. See ya Chef. See you later. Bye-bye.
Kyle: Well, I- guess we'll see you in school tomorrow, Chef.
Chef: You bet! Good-bye, children! [the boys are puzzled at the way he's replying to them. It sounds choppy.]
Stan: Right. Uh, see ya.
Scene Description: 'Outside Jimbo's house. The boys walk down the steps and move towards the sidewalk'
Cartman: Uh, guys? Did Chef seem a little, uh, trippy to you?
Stan: [stops. The others stop too. Stan looks up] Well, look. he said he's happier now. Maybe he just needs to rest up a little.
Kyle: Yeah. I'm sure whatever that Super Adventure Club does is pretty tiring.
Stan: [turns left and cross the street. The others follow] Yeah, but whatever, I'm just glad he's back for good.
Kenny: (muffled) Yeah, me too.
Scene Description: 'South Park Elementary, lunchtime. The floor is darker now.'
A Boy: [at one of the tables] It's really weird what he said, I don't know, it kind of confused me.
Cartman: Oh boy oh boy, I can't wait to have Chef's lunch food again.
Kyle: Yeah. I hope he makes his Salisbury steak with buttered noodles! [a distraught Clyde walks by and stops.]
Clyde: Something's wrong with Chef. He's saying some really weird stuff.
Kyle: Like what?
Clyde: I think...[glances at his food] I think he wants to have sex with me.
Stan: What??
Clyde: I gotta- I gotta go. [turns right and walks off]
Kyle: Weirdo. [Fosse moves up and gets his lunch; the boys follow him in]
Chef: Hello there, children!
The Boys: Hey Chef.
Chef: How's it goin'?
Kyle: Good.
Chef: Well, how about I meet you boys after work and we make love?
Cartman: [The boys are stunned] Excuse me?
Chef: Come on, children! You're my sexual fantasy. Let's all make sweet love.
Kyle: ...Chef?? A-are you ok?
Chef: I want to stick my balls inside your rectum, Kyle.
Stan: Dude, what are you saying??
Chef: I'm gonna make love to your asshole, children.
Stan: ...WHAT??
Scene Description: 'Mr. Mackey's office, later. A detective is walking into the class'
Det. Jarvis: Hi kids, I'm Detective Jarvis. I need to ask you all some difficult questions about your school cafeteria chef.
Kyle: This doesn't make any sense!
Det. Jarvis: We have some information that all this time Chef has been and still is a pedophile.
Stan: No he's not.
Det. Jarvis: [childish voice] Uh huh.
Stan: No he's not.
Det. Jarvis: [childish voice] Yeah, yeah he is so.
Butters: What's a pedophile?
Stan: Now, we need some testimony in order to arrest Chef, [whips out generic plush doll with no features on it] so I'm gonna use this doll to ask you kids a few questions. Did Chef ever touch any of you... here? [points to the genital area]
Stan: NO!
Det. Jarvis: Ok, did he touch you here? [moves two fingers over the groin]
The Class: NO!
Det. Jarvis: [sits the doll on his right lap and starts rubbing the doll's nipples] Did he ever do this? How about this? [lifts the doll to his face and wags his tongue over the doll's genital area]
Butters: My Uncle Bud did that to me once! [smiles unwittingly]
Det. Jarvis: [gets off the desk and walks around] Did Chef ever try one of these on for size? [places the doll face down on the desk and starts humping it]
Kyle: Goddammit, Chef isn't like that! Something funny is going on around here!
Det. Jarvis: [continues humping] Young man, will you PLEASE pay attention! This is very important stuff! Ohhh. Ohhhhhh.
Scene Description: 'South Park Elementary, after school. The kids pour out of the school. The boys come out last, and the doors close. Chef appears before them'
Chef: Hello there, children!
Kyle: [the boys look at each other] Chef, the police are asking questions about you!
Chef: Oh really? Well, let's all go home and make love.
Stan: No, Chef, we don't wanna make love to you!
Chef: Kenny, how would you like to sodomize my black ass?
Kyle: Chef, CHEF! You need to get out of here before you get arrested, all right?!
Chef: I specialize in your asshole, Kyle. [turns and walks away]
Cartman: ...Man, I can't believe all this time, Chef just wanted us for sex.
Kyle: He didn't want us for sex, fatass! Something is making him say those things.
Kenny: (muffled) Like what?
Kyle: Something must have happened to Chef while he was gone. Maybe he hit his head or, or got stuck in some quantum time vortex.
Stan: Well look, he spent the last three months with that adventurers' club. Maybe they know what happened to him.
Kenny: (muffled) Yeah! I think...
Cartman: Yeah!
Kyle: All right, come on guys!
Scene Description: 'The Super Adventure Club, day. The club is a rambling house several stories tall, and access to it is just one ragged rope bridge. The entrance to the bridge reads "Super Adventure Club." The boys approach it calmly and walk upon the bridge.'
Cartman: Hey you guys, you know what they call a Jewish woman's boobs? Jewbs. [they step off on the other side and approach the front door. Stan reaches over and pulls the rope that rings the house's bell. A black butler opens up]
Butler: May I help you?
Kyle: Ahh, hi, can we speak to the head guy or something?
Butler: Right this way. [the boys enter and the butler leads them]
Head Adventurer: Now, the upper rim of Kilimanjaro should be quite a trek, and so we'll need to have a-
Butler: Excuse me, sir. These boys wanted to speak with you.
Head Adventurer: Ahh yes, splendid! Good afternoon, lads! I'm Head Adventurer William P. Connolly, Esquire! Welcome, to the Super Adventure Club!
Club Members: Tally ho!
Mr. Connolly: Indeed!
Kyle: Uh, hi. Our friend joined your club a while back, and now he wants to molest kids. [the members just look around]
Mr. Connolly: What? Well... well yes, of course! That's what the Super Adventure Club does!
Marksman: We travel around the world and have sex with children!
Marine: Yes, what else would we do?
Kyle: Well, we thought you went exploring and like, hunting and stuff!
Mr. Connolly: Noo, no, that's the Adventure Club. We're the Super Adventure Club! [turns and approaches a world map from maybe two centuries ago] Next week, we'll be heading to the outer banks of the Amazon, where we will make camp and have sex with children of the Ugani tribe, then it's off to the mighty Himalayas, where we will climb K-2, and molest several Tibetan children on the east summit.
Kyle: ...Dude!
Mr. Connolly: I know, but it gets even better! From there we will kayak to the fruitful banks of the Mele River in Africa, where the secret and mysterious Hanimi people have children who have never seen a white man's erect penis. Of course, we're always looking for kids to have sex with on the plane rides over to these places, so how would you ALL like to join the Super Adventure Club!
Stan: NO!!
Mr. Connolly: No? Oh really? Perhaps I should ask you again? [whips out a portable hypnotizer and makes some whistling sound effects] How would you like to join the Super Adventure Club? [more sound effects]
Stan: [unnaffected] No! [Mr. Connolly tries harder, even stepping forward...]
Kyle: Dude, what are you doing?
Mr. Connolly: [looks at his machine] Oh well, it doesn't work on everybody. [hides it behind his back] Well, so long then.
Kyle: Just what the hell is that thing?!
Mr. Connolly: What? What thing? I don't see anything.
Kyle: HA! I knew it!
Stan: Knew what?
Kyle: The reason Chef has been saying those terrible things about us is because he's been brainwashed! By this - fruity little club!
Cartman: Oh, son of a bitch!
Scene Description: 'Robert J. Neeland, psychiatry. Chef and the boys are in the waiting room with a woman reading a magazine.'
Chef: Come on, Children. Let's all go home and make love.
Stan: You need to see a psychiatrist, Chef. It's for your own good.
Chef: I just like to make love up your butt.
Woman: [turns away] Oh my God!
Nurse: [comes out to get the next patient]Mr. Chef, is it?
Kyle: All right, come on. [they follow the nurse in]
Dr.Neeland: Hello, I'm Dr. Neeland. What can I do for you today?
Kyle: Hi, uh- our friend has been brainwashed by some fruity little club.
Dr. Neeland: [approaches Chef] Brainwashed?
Stan: Yeah, he joined the Super Adventure Club, and they convinced him having sex with children was okay with a little thing that goes whrrrrrr.
Dr. Neeland: I thought that club was for hiking and kayaking.
Stan: No, that's the Adventure Club. The Super Adventure Club has sex with children.
Dr. Neeland: Oh. ...Oh, that's right, yeah.
Chef: Doctor, do you have- children?
Dr. Neeland: Why, yes, I have two young boys.
Chef: Have you all been sodomizing your children too?
Dr. Neeland: You say he's never been like this before?
Cartman: No, Chef has always been super-cool.
Chef: I'm gonna make love to the children.
Dr. Neeland: He's pretty brainwashed all right. Worst case I've ever seen.
Cartman: So what can we do??
Dr. Neeland: I'm afraid there's no simple answer. When somebody's brainwashed it can take months, even years, to reverse the process.
Kyle: But we don't have years! If Chef keeps this up, he's gonna go to jail forever!
Dr. Neeland: Tell me, what was Chef's favorite thing to do before it was having sex with children?
Stan: Having sex with women.
Dr. Neeland: Then that's it. We'd better get your friend to the Peppermint Hippo right away.
Scene Description: The Peppermint Hippo. The place is busy with pole dancers doing what they do best and so on.
DJ: All right guys. be sure to tip the waitresses; this is two for one; put your hands together, this is Monique!
Chef: [a long-haired blonde tries to excite him] Aw, come on, children. Let's go home.
Stan: This isn't working.
Dr. Neeland: WEll let's...give it some time, kids. [a brunette is keeping him busy]]
Blaze: [coarse voice] Would you like to daaance???
Kyle: No thanks. We're trying to unbrainwash our friend.
Blaze: [walks away] Daaance??? Anybody wanna daaance???
Cartman: Come on, bitch! Dance!
Blonde: Up yours, fatty.
Cartman: Bitch, I'll twist your nuts off!
DJ: All right guys, help me feel it out to them; we got a featured dancer coming out next; put your hands together for... Spantaneous Bootay! [an immense black stripper walks out, down the runway, and to the stripper pole, stout enough to hold her up. Chef leans his head to the right to get a better look.]
Stan: Come on guys, we might as well go. [the boys prepare to leave. The obese stripper can move, though, and Chef is interested. He drops the blonde off and approaches the stage]
Chef: God-damn!
Stan: Chef, we're leaving.
Dr. Neeland: No-no wait. Let him go. [Chef moves closer and stands in awe of Spantaneous Bootay]
Spantaneous Bootay: [walks up to Chef] Come here, chubby. [buries his face between her breasts and rattles it with them, then turns around and buries his face between her ass cheeks and rattles it with them as well. She releases him from their hold]
Chef: Wait a minute.
Stan: He's remembering.
Chef: Children! What have I done?
Cartman: It's ok Chef, Go on, remember!
Chef: I'm goinna- I'm gonna-
Kyle: Come on, Chef! You can do it!
Chef: I'm gonna make love to you woman, 'gonna lay you down by the fire!
The Boys: Yay!
Kenny: (muffled) Chef!
Chef: Hey children, everybody! I'm back! [a tranquilizer dart flies in on his left side and strikes him under the ear, behind the jaw, and his smile vanishes] Ow.
Mr. Connolly: [The Club is there] Great shot, William! Hit him with another. [William, dressed in outback gear, blows another dart out through a tube. This one lands in Chef's left arm]
Chef: Oh! [gets groggy quickly and drops like a sack of potatoes]
The Boys: Chef!
Scene Description: 'Super Adventure Club, a stormy night'
Scene Description: Mr. Connolly
Stan: Where's Chef?! What have you done with him?!
Mr. Connolly: He's safe. [presses a remote control. The main screen comes on and Chef is shown strapped down to a bed while William sits in a chair at its foot] He's fasting in the Deprivation Room and being read the Super Adventure Club manual. We've got to undo the damage you've done.
Cartman: Look, If you wanna go around the world molesting kids, that's totally fine. But why do you need Chef?!
Mr. Connolly: We don't need him, he needs us! Our club offers hope. Do you think we go around the world molesting children just because it feels really really really really good?! No! Our club has a message! And a secret that explains the mysteries of life!
Stan: Oh Jesus, here we go.
Mr. Connolly: Very well. I'm now going to tell you the secret of the Super Adventure Club.
Stan: We don't wanna hear it.
Mr. Connolly: You see, the Super Adventure Club was founded by the greatest explorer of all time, William P. Phinehas! [a gregarious man with an open smile in the picture] Phinehas climbed the highest peaks, tamed the mightiest rivers, [a shot of him climbing up a mountain] but every time he got somewhere, he realized that other explorers had beat him to it. [A shot of Phinehas reaching a summit, only to find two Brits there, celebrating] Phinehas was depressed, until he realized that if he couldn't be the first to discover places, he could be the first to have sex with the native children that inhabited those areas! [Phinehas with some Australian natives] Phinehas quickly went down in history books as the first man to have sex with the Aborigine children at Uluru, and the first explorer to bugger all the underage mountainfolk of Nepal. [a shot of him with those kids] But now the most wonderful part. You see, after having sex with all those children, Phinehas realized that... molesting all those kids... had made him immortal.
Stan: Immortal?
Mr. Connolly: He discovered that children have things called marlocks in their bodies. [a graphic of kid bodies appears, and bright dots dapple them and move around] And when an adult has sex with a child, the marlocks implode, feeding the adult receptive cavity with energy that causes immortality, so saith the ruler of Bethos. [a blue monster alien with a bright red crown. Next shot, Phinehas in the gondola of a hot-air balloon with several boys] Phinehas traveled the world, loving many, many children, and he lived for eternity. Until he was hit by a train in 1892. [a shot of Phinehas' body on the train's bumper]
Kyle: ...Do you realize how retarded that sounds?
Mr. Connolly: Is it any more retarded than the idea of God sending his son to die for our sins? Is it any more retarded than Buddha sitting beneath a tree for twenty years?
Stan: Yeah, it's way, way more retarded.
Mr. Connolly: Well, now that you know our club secrets, it appears you ... leave us no choice. I'm afraid we're going to have to... ask you to leave. [dramatic fanfare]
Stan: We're not leaving without Chef.
Mr. Connolly: If you choose not to leave, then I'm afraid we're just going to have to ... call security and make you leave. [dramatic fanfare] You'll be let out by security and it will be super-embarrassing and everyone here will see! [laughs more and more sinisterly. Moments later...] Okay, you know how like, when you want people to leave but they won't leave, it's really frustrating?
Kyle: We're not going anywhere without Chef.
Mr. Connolly: Cool people leave before they've overstayed their welcome. [the boys do not move] You petulant fools! You just had to push it, didn't you? You don't realize who you're dealing with here. Security! [two officers come out and stand behind the boys] Take these boys to the door.
Guard 1: All right, come on kids.
Kyle: No! Hey!
Mr. Connolly: [the lights come on] Haha! Look they're being led by security! Haha!
Stan: [to one of the guards] No, you don't understand! They've got our friend in the Deprivation Room!
Guard 2: This is their house and they don't want you here. [about to push Stan out the door. Kyle grabs a bat from a nearby jar and whacks the second guard in the back and the first guard on the legs. They both fall. The boys run towards the Deprivation Room]
Kyle: Sorry, dude, but this fruity little club isn't taking our friend!
Scene Description: ''The Deprivation Room. William reads to Chef
William: And sex with Eskimo children requires some special skills. [the boys break the door down]
Kyle: Chef, come on!
Chef: Childern!
William: Get out of here!
Cartman: Kenny! Spin Blossom Nut Squash!
Kenny: [launches himself into a spinning projectile] (muffled) Yeeeeehah! [smashes William's groin. William doubles over in pain]
Stan: [rushes up to Chef] Come on, Chef!
Chef: [struggling] I can't...break these locks. [those are solid locks indeed]
Kyle: Here! [walks up to the fallen William, gets a small ax from him, walks up to Chef and chops the locks open. They escape the Deprivation Room]
Scene Description: 'The club's living room. The boys run through it on the way out.'
Cartman: Run Chef!
Mr. Connolly: [turns to see what's happening] What the-? Impossible! I made them leave!
Kyle: Get outside! [chef and the boys reach the front doors]
Mr. Connolly: Stop them! [he leads the adventurers in the charge]
Scene Description: 'Outside the club. Chef and the boys run out, heading for the bridge'
Chef: Children! Run! [they run to the other end of the bridge]
Mr. Connolly: Stop! [his group runs out of the club. Stan and the others reach the other side]
Stan: We made it!
Mr. Connolly: [calling out] Don't you remember why you left South Park in the first place?? [Chef stops in his tracks]
Stan: Chef, come on!
Mr. Connolly: You sought adventure! And why do people seek adventure? Because their lives have become dull and empty!
Kyle: Yeah, he wanted adventure! Not a bunch of ridiculous bullcrap! Right Chef? [Chef's hesitance shoes a dilemma] Chef?
Mr. Connolly: Don't forget all your training, Chef! Stay with us and your life will be GRAND and ETERNAL!
Stan: [softly] Chef, we love you.
Chef: [his eyes shift back and forth with his thoughts] I'm sorry children. [turns and walks towards the club]
Kyle: No! Chef, they've filled your head with lies! Can't you see that??
Chef: Get the hell out of here, children!
Mr. Connolly: Yesss. Looks like our fruity little club is safe after all. [a fierce flash of lightning tears the bridge in two, right behind Chef. Fire leaps on him and he screams] NO! [The club end of the bridge smashes into the cliff]
The Boys: Chef! [Chef tries to scramble up the bridge, but the fire is too fast and consumes it. He can't climb. The club members approach the edge of the cliff. One of them inadvertently kicks a stone off and it hits Chef, knocking him off the bridge and to his doom below.]
Chef: Ack. [He bounces off five jagged rocks before finally...] Ow! Oh! Ah! Oh! Damnit! [...landing on the jagged stub of wood piercing through some rocks, which impales him] Ah- Awww! [blood spreads out under him]
Stan: NO! [Chef struggles to get up, but can't move. A mountain lion leaps down into view]
Cartman: A mountain lion! [the lion grabs at Chef's right arm, but is having trouble ripping it off]
Mr. Connolly: We can't lose another member! Shoot it! [the marksman aims and fires]
Chef: Ah!
Marksman: All right, this! [fires twice, but the lion remains unaffected and continues pulling at Chef's arm]
Kyle: [heartbroken] CHEF! [a huge bear appears]
Cartman: A grizzly bear!
Scene Description: 'the bear stands on its hind legs and roars at the lion, who lets go of Chef and runs up to the challenge. The lion leaps on the bear, trying to go for the jugular, but the bear grabs it and throws it off. The lion hits a cliff wall and falls onto the ground, dazed, but quickly gets up and sinks its fangs into Chef's head. Chef's face and left eye are ripped off and Chef is left babbling. The lion bites into Chef's right arm again while the bear has a hold of Chef's right foot, and at the same time, bear and lion each take a limb. Chef's legs and hips rip away from his torso, and Chef is effectively dead. The bear and lion walk off in different directions with their meals. The boys stare at Chef's remains in horror]
Stan: Oh my God...They killed Chef!
Kyle: You bastards. YOU BASTARDS!!
Mr. Connolly: Pity. He would have made an excellent child molester. [the men turn and go back to the clubhouse]
Cartman: Maybe- maybe he's still okay. [the other boys look at him, dumbfounded] No, really. They say the last thing you do before you die is crap your-
Chef: POOOT! [a mean final fart, and a soiled log falls out]
Cartman: Oh never mind.
Stan: Come on, let's go.
Scene Description: 'South Park, a nice, sunny day. Spring is in the air. and a funeral for Chef is set in the town square. A long line of people are paying their respects. Mrs. Garrison steps up to the coffin, and Principal Victoria stands next to her for support. Down in the coffin is a spatula with a red ribbon around it. Kyle steps up to the podium, on which sits a picture of Chef and on the front of which hangs a wreath with the banner "R.I.P. CHEF."'
Kyle: We're all here today because Chef has been such an important part of our lives. A lot of us don't agree with the choices Chef has made in the past few days. [Elton John is present] Some of us... feel hurt... and confused that he seemed to turn his back on us. [Stan, Cartman and Kenny look down at their feet] But we can't let the events of the last week take away the memories of how much Chef made us smile. [they perk up a bit] I'm gonna remember Chef as the jolly old guy who always broke into song. [Timmy and Jimmy are sitting together] I'm gonna remember Chef... as the guy who gave us advice to live by. [Terrance and Phillip are present, weeping quietly] So you see, we shouldn't be mad at Chef for leaving us. We should be mad at that little fruity club for scrambling his brains.
Randy: Yeah.
Mr. Mackey: He's right. [soft applause rises from the crowd]
Kyle: And in the end, I know that somewhere out there... there's the good part of Chef... that's still alive in us all. [smiles]
Scene Description: 'The SAC house, operating room. The club members have gone down to retrieve Chef and put him on the table. Mr. Connolly and two of his men quickly get to work'
Mr. Connolly: Is it working? Is it working?
Tech: Yes. We've got a pulse!
Mr. Connolly: Get him in the ICU suit! Hurry! [an ICU suit is fitted onto Chef] We have done it! Good! Raise him up! [Chef and the operating table are tilted upright - but this Chef looks like Darth Vader. He has a glowing red spatula in his right hand] Chef, can you hear me? Say something.
Darth Chef: Hello there, children. How would you like some Salisbury Steak?
Mr. Connolly: Yes, go on.
Darth Chef: And for desert, how would you children like to suck on my chocolate salty balls?
Mr. Connolly: Oh? You mean like chocolate candy?
Darth Chef: No, I mean my balls.
Mr. Connolly: Yes, YES! Hahahahahahaaa!


Scene Description: Downtown South Park, day. A hybrid car zips along Main Street. Gerald is driving it, with Kyle and Ike in the back seat and Ike safely tocked into his car seat behind Gerald. He stops in front of the Tweek house. The car has "hybrid" plastered all over it
Gerald: Hey there, Richard!
Richard: [stops shoveling snow and stands up] Oh, hey Gerald. New car?
Gerald: Yeah. It's a hybrid. I just... I just couldn't sit back and- [closes his eyes as if to banish bad thoughts] be a part of destroying the earth anymore.
Richard: Well... Good for you.
Gerald: Oho... [gives a thumbs up, closes his eyes and says with a slight falsetto] Thanks. [drives off and back into town, where Mr. Stotch and Mrs. Garrison observe him drive by]
Stephen: Well, there goes the new high-and-mighty Gerald Broflovski.
Mrs. Garrison: Yeah, ever since he got that new hybrid he thinks he's better than everyone else.
Scene Description: An intersection. Gerald ends up abreast of an SUV and gets the driver's attention.
Gerald: You know, the emissions from a vehicle like yours causes irreparable damage to the ozone. I drive a hybrid; it's much better for the environment. [begins to drive away, with his eyes closed] Thanks.
Kyle: Dad, can we go home? All you ever do since you got this car is drive around and show it off! [a quite-satisfied Gerald stops at the next intersection. Another hybrid car pulls up alongside him]
Driver: Hey, is that a hybrid?
Gerald: Oh yes. You've got one too, I see.
Driver: Yeah, I like to be a part of the solution and not part of the problem. Well, anyway, [sticks his thumb up through the passenger window] good for you!
Gerald: [sticks up his thumb in return and begins to drive away with his eyes closed] Thanks.
Kyle: [firmly] Dad, I think Ike is starving to death. [Ike's eyes are half-closed and he's getting woozy]
Gerald: Hold on, boys. We still have to go to the hardware store, and hand out awareness citations to SUV cars in the parking lot.
Kyle: What?!
Scene Description: True-Value Hardware and Home Improvement. Gerald begins posting citations on cars. He and his boys are wearing orange safety vests. Kyle and Ike are none too pleased about having to do this
Gerald: Okay, there's another one. [smiles and looks up after posting a citation on a green car] Aw, man! Look at that! [walks two cars over] Can you believe this?! An SUV with a V8 engine, makes me sick! [begins writing up a citation] "Ticket for driving a gas-guzzler"
Kyle: [catches up] Dad, can we go home, please?
Gerald: Look, there's a Jeep over there! Go write them a ticket, Kyle!
Kyle: But Dad, I want-
Gerald: NOW, KYLE! [Kyle's eyelids drop and he goes to write the citation. He and Stan cross paths]
Stan: Oh hey Kyle.
Kyle: Aw, hey dude. What are you doing here?
Stan: Helping my Dad pick out some cool new power tools. What are you doing?
Kyle: [his head drops] Helping my Dad give people fake tickets. [Randy reaches his red SUV and notices the citation on his windshield]
Randy: What's this? [takes the citation and reads it]
Gerald: Oh! Sorry Randy. Looks like you got a ticket.
Randy: A ticket? "Failure to care about the environment" Oh Goddammit, did you do this, Gerald?!
Gerald: Yeah. I'm just, you know, trying to make people more aware ya' know, it's a-
Randy: You got some nerve, you know that?! Where do you come off ticketing people?!
Gerald: Well, Randy, calm down. It's not a real ticket.
Randy: I know it's not a real ticket!!
Jimbo: [approaches] Broflovski, did you put this crap on my windshield?! [Randy crosses his arms]
Gerald: Jimbo, your truck probably gets less than ten miles to the gallon.
Jimbo: [crumples the ticket into a wad and throws it down] Well thanks, Officer Dickhole!
Kyle: Dad, let's just go!
Gerald: Look, I'm just trying to make the people of South Park aware of a very serious problem.
Randy: The problem, Gerald, is that ever since you got a hybrid car, you've gotten so smug that you love the smell of your own farts!
Gerald: Oh! I'm sorry! I didn't think it was "high and mighty" to [closes his eyes] care about the earth!
Randy: And that too! Stop talking with your eyes closed! That's what smug people do!
Gerald: Well, I really don't see how [closes his eyes] that has anything to do with the-
Randy: There, like that! Stop that!
Darryl: Who the hell put this faggy fake ticket on my truck!
Gerald: All right, that does it! Come on, Kyle, I don't want you hanging around with these ignorant idiots! [they walk away, and Ike bounces along]
Scene Description: The Broflovski kitchen, night. Gerald and Sheila chat as Sheila washes dishes
Gerald: Yeah. Yeah, I think it's best we just do it right away.
Kyle: [walks into the kitchen with Ike] Dad. [his parents turn to face him] Dad, Ike and I have been talking, and well, we feel that your new car is changing you.
Gerald: [closes his eyes] Yes, it certainly is.
Kyle: We're thinking that a lot of people in town starting too... [rolls his eyes]
Ike: Take offense.
Kyle: ...a-are starting to take offense at your actions. We feel like you're starting to become-hmm... [rolls his eyes again and cues Ike]
Ike: [slowly] Alienated.
Kyle: ...star-starting to become alienated from some of your friends.
Gerald: Well, I totally agree, Kyle.
Kyle: You do??
Gerald: Yes. A lot of people in town just aren't ready to drive hybrid cars.
Kyle: Righ! [grins] Okay, good.
Gerald: And that's why, [hugs Sheila by the shoulder] I've talked it over with your mother, and [releases the hug] ...we've decided to MOVE!
Kyle: What??
Gerald: We need to be where everyone is motivated and progressive like us! Start getting your things packed, boys! The Broflovksi family is moving to San Francisco! [grins. Kyle and Ike look stunned]
Scene Description: Stan's room, day. Stan has a book open, but his thoughts are elsewhere. Someone knocks on his door
Stan: Yeah? [the door opens and Butters enters]
Butters: Uh hay, Stan. Uh you should come on over. Uh they're havin' a goin'-away party for Kyle.
Stan: Going away party? What do you mean?
Butters: Well don't you know? Kyle's movin' away.
Stan: [jumps off his chair and looks at Butters] Moving away?? Kyle can't move away!
Butters: Well he is.
Stan: Where's the going-away party?
Butters: At Cartman's house.
Scene Description: Cartman's house. There is indeed a party there, but Kyle isn't visible among the guests. The other fourth-graders are enjoying themselves. A banner above the sofa reads: GOODBYE KYLE
Cartman: [walks into the living room with a pitcher and cups of pop] Hey everybody! There's more pop in the refrigerator. Let's make this the best going-away party EVER! [blows into a noisemaker and makes it stick out. Other kids walk up and take cups away]
Token: Hey Eric, where's Kyle?
Cartman: Who? [smiles innocently]
Clyde: Kyle, the person leaving.
Cartman: Kyle? Why would I invite Kyle?
Craig: Dude, a going-away party is supposed to be for the person who is going away!
Stan: [enters the house and the other boys move a bit] Kyle? Kyle!
Clyde: Kyle's not here. Cartman didn't invite him.
Stan: What?!
Cartman: You guys, this is our party. That no-good back-stabbing Jew rat is finally leaving! Come on, everyone! Let's sing! [Stan leaves]'Nanana na! Nanana na! Hey hey hey! Goodbye Kyle!
Scene Description: Kyle's house, front lawn, day. His family is almost finished packing everything into the moving van
Stan: Kyle! Du-what is going on?!
Kyle: My Dad says he can't live here anymore.
Stan: Mr. Broflovski, please. Kyle's my best friend.
Gerald: I'm sorry, Stan, but unfortunately you live in a small-minded town filled with ignorant boobs.
Stan: Well... Maybe they'll change.
Gerald: [puts a small box into the trunk] I wouldn't count on it. Come on, boys, get in the car! [Kyle and Ike head towards it]
Stan: Nooo!
Gerald: [opens the back right door, and the boys climb in] Maybe you can make a difference, Stan. [closes the door] Maybe you can get everyone to drive hybrid cars. Until that day, [walks around to the driver's side] we're just gonna have to be [closes his eyes] with our own kind. [gets in and begins to drive away. Stan steps into the street and watches them go]
Stan: I will. I will get everyone to drive hybrid cars! I swear it!
Scene Description: San Francisco, day. The city is seen from the north, with the Golden Gate Bridge in the foreground. All around is a brown haze that hangs over the city, but people don't seem to notice it. Another shot has a streetcar go by as San Franciscans go about their day. The third shot is Chinatown, the fourth is the Haight-Ashbury district with hippies everywhere. The last shot is of a row of houses stepping up a hill. The moving van stops in front of one of them. The Broflovskis move into their new home
Gerald: Well? What do you think, huh? [the boxes are present, but as yet unpacked]
Sheila: Oh Gerald, it's beautiful.
Gerald: Yeah. Now THIS, is a house. [some neighbors stop in]
Man: Oh hello there, you must be the new neighbors.
Gerald: Yes that's right. We're the Broflovskis.
Man: Welcome to San Francisco. I'm Peter Thompson. This is my wife, Nancy Jarvis, and our son, Brian Thompson-Jarvis [sucking on something purple] So how do you like the neighborhood?
Sheila: Oh it's gorgeous. These old houses are so neat.
Peter: Yes, well, unlike most cities, in San Francisco we try to [closes his eyes] keep all the historic houses instead of knocking them down.
Man 2: [approaches the front entrance] You in here, Peter?
Peter: Oh hay, Paul. Come on in and meet the Broflovskis
Paul: Hello there. I'm Paul McDonahue. This is my wife, Paulie Beaumont-McCallahan, and our daughter, Mindy McDonahue-Beaumont-McCallahan
Gerald and Sheila: Hello.
Paul: We noticed your hybrid out front - that's a V series, right?
Gerald: Yeah. That's right.
Peter: Whoa, nice car, but we're gonna have to get you into the BT series [closes his eyes] Its emissions are actually cleaner.
Gerald: Wow, so, everyone here drives a hybrid, huh?
Peter: Oh, of course. We're a little more progressive and ahead of the curve here in San Francisco. [farts, then bends over to take it all in, then stands up again] Ahhhm. [licks his lips to savor every last bit of fart] Anyway, I'm sure you'll find it much better here.
Paul: Yes, you'll find that San Francisco is pretty much more open-minded and grown-up than the Midwest. [farts, then bends over to take it all in as if it were oxygen] Ahhh, [sniff] ahh, [sniff] ahh. [stands up] We're just a little bit more protective of our environment here in San Francisco
Gerald: Yeah. We sure are.
Scene Description: South Park, Stan's house, night. Stan is on his bed working out a new song on his guitar. His door is open
Stan: Come on, people. Come on, people now. [Cartman and Butters enter]
Cartman: Dude, what are you doing?
Stan: I'm writing a song about the importance of hybrid cars, so maybe people will change their ways.
Cartman: THAT's gay, heh.
Stan: Well if I have any chance of getting Kyle back, I have to get people to stop driving SUVs!
Cartman: Why do you want Kyle back?? Don't you see how awesome it is without him?
Stan: You know, Cartman, you may be stoked now, but I bet you're gonna find that withuot Kyle around to rip on, your life is empty, and hollow.
Cartman: [fears that for a moment, then] Psh! Whatever dude. I don't need Kyle to rip on, I've got Butters. Come on, Butters, you stupid Jew! [walks out]
Butters: Yeah! I'm a dumb Jew. [walks out after Cartman. Stan resumes composing]
Stan: Come on, people. Come on, people now.
Scene Description: KXUV Radio Station. An extreme closeup of the host's booth.
DJ: All right, all you dreamers and creamers out there out there in South Park, I'm gonna play a song by a local artist that really made me think about my impact on the earth. This is Stan Marsh with "Hey, People, You've Gotta Drive Hybrids Already". [Stan's intro begins to play]
Stan: Come on now, people now people now People now, come on now, people now Got to drive hybrids, people now People now, people now, people now Hybrids are for people now, people now Group of people driving people now Get a hybrid, be good people now.
Scene Description: as he sings, the following takes place: FM 1 98.7 shows up, Randy notices his son singing, Jimbo notices his nephew singing, a stranger slumps a little in his car, Principal Victoria notices one of her students singing, other people stop to listen
Customer: He's right. [people leave their cars and go to a Toyonda hybrid dealership]
Stan: We have all got to be people now People-driving-hybrid people now People now, people now, hybrid now Hybrid-people-driving people now. Come on, people, let's be people now Hybrid-people-driving people now Come on, everybody be people now
Scene Description: as he sings, the following takes place: Randy joins the rush of customers checking out hybrids at the dealership, Jimbo drives off in his new red hybrid and pulls up next to the Stotches, who are driving their new hybrid as well. They give each other thumbs up and gloat a bit. Another driver pulls up alongside Randy and gives him a thumbs up. Randy returns the gesture. More people check out the dealership. Mrs.Tucker(Craig's mother) pulls up alongside Jimbo
Laura Tucker: Hey Jimbo, you got a hybrid too?
Jimbo: Yeah, I just wanted to [closes his eyes] try to set an example, you know?
Laura Tucker: Yeah, I guess it's up to us to [closes her eyes] show everyone the way.[opens them] Good for you
Jimbo: [cheerfully closes his eyes] Thanks. [drives off]
Scene Description: At an intersection
Mrs. Garrison: Can you believe some people still don't drive hybrids? [pets her own hybrid]
Randy: I know! It's like "Earth to America? Hello? This is simple stuff here. Gawl"
Scene Description: Mr. Mackey is parked amid a small crowd
Mr. Mackey: Well from now on, I'm only going to associate with other hybrid-car drivers. Everyone else is just ignorant, m'kay?
Scene Description: Two drivers going the same direction
Driver 1: [eyes closed, thumb up] Good for you!
Driver 2: [eyes closed, thumb up] Thanks!
Randy: [eyes closed, thumb up] At least we're smart enough to know better!
Driver 3: [leans out and looks back, eyes closed, thumb up] Thanks! [the street is now filled with hybrids]
Stan: Come on, everybody be people now
Scene Description: South Park Town Square, day. The stage is set up for a speech. On the curtains is a banner with a flag over it. The banner reads: WAKE UP AMERICA!
Speaker: And so we are here to honor Stan Marsh for making South Park the city with the highest percentage of hybrid owners in the country! [the crowd cheers]
Richard: If only the rest of the country [closes his eyes] was as insightful as we are.
Stan: [steps up and holds his trophy] Ah, thanks. I was really just trying to make it so my friend can move back here so... if you don't mind, I'm gonna try to get a hold of him now. [steps down and walks off the stage. The crowd cheers]
Jimbo: Great speech!
Gerald: Yeah, well, you know my son is just [closes his eyes] a little bit more clever than some.
An officer: [stops Stan as Stan steps onto solid ground] Hello there, I'm Ranger McFriendly. I'm the person who watches over the delicate ecosystem of South Park. You must be the little boy who wrote that song.
Stan: Yeah.
Ranger McFriendly: Uhh! [smacks Stan on the left cheek enough to spin his head around]
Stan: Ow!
Ranger McFriendly: You son of a bitch! Do you have any idea what you've done?!
Stan: What?!
Ranger McFriendly: Come with me! [walks off. Stan follows]
Scene Description: Ranger McFriendly and Stan walk to the top of a hill overlooking the town
Ranger McFriendly: There! Look! [a dark brown cloud is showing hovering over the town]
Stan: Smog? There's never been smog over South Park before.
Ranger McFriendly: Don't you get it?! When people drive hybrid cars, they get so full of themselves they spew tons of self-satisfied garbage into the air! That isn't smog, it's smug!
Stan: Smug?
Ranger McFriendly: Hybrid cars make better for emission levels, but people who drive hybrid cars are the leading cause of smug. You can have smug in the atmosphere, and you know what that leads to? Glodal laming! Thanks to your gay little song, South Park is now the second smuggiest city in America!
Scene Description: South Park breaking news. Awesome graphics
Announcer: This is a South Park News Weather Bulletin!
Anchor Tom: It looks like we have a smug alert here in South Park. Our own Keenan Williams has the details. Keenan?
Keenan: [at the weather desk] Thanks, Tom, a smug alert is in effect at least tomorrow morning. [a map of Denver and surrounding areas] All those hybrid cars on the road have caused heavy smug to develop over most of Park and Jefferson Counties. On the national map, we can see smug over Denver and developing smug in Los Angeles. However, San Francisco is once again the smuggiest city in the country.
Scene Description: San Francisco, day. The scenes shown previously are repeated
Singer: A smuggy day in San Francisco town.
Scene Description: The Broflovski house, housewarming party
Paul: Sheila, did you meet Gail and Brian?
Sheila: No! Hello, how are you?
Gail: Really good, really good. [she farts and quickly bends over to inhale it all]
Gerald: Hey there. Alan, right?
Alan: Actually, it's Alain
Gerald: Right right, w-would, would you like red or white wine?
Alan: Can I just get an empty glass?
Gerald: Oh. Sure. [hands him an empty glass]
Alan: Can you believe all these imbeciles in Texas? They just put another prisoner to death. [puts the glass to his ass and farts into it, then lifts the glass to his nose and inhales deeply]
Scene Description: Kyle's room. Brian and Mindy are present with two other kids. All of them are on Ike's side of the room, two of them on Ike's bed, while Kyle and Ike are on Kyle's side, sitting on Kyle's bed.
Kyle: [hesitant at first] So... what do you do for fun?
Brian: We drink and take drugs.
Boy 1: Do you want some acid?
Kyle: Oh, no thanks. We don't do that stuff.
Boy 2: You will. There's a reason most San Francisco kids take a lot of drugs.
Brian: It's the only thing that allows us to deal with our parents all walking around loving the smell of their own farts all the time.
Gerald: Everything okay in here, Kyle?
Kyle: Yeah, fine, Dad.
Gerald: So much better here with the intellectuals, isn't it, boys? [farts, then bends over and inhales his own fart] Wuhh [sniffs, rises and walks away] Mmmm.
Kyle: Well... maybe I'll take just half a hit of acid.
Ike: I want three.
Scene Description: Stan's house, day. Butters and Cartman are playing a video game from Stan's sofa while Stan is on the phone
Stan: No, no, I'm asking if there's a listing for Broflovski in San Francisco! They just moved there!
Cartman: Haha! Take that, Jew boy! I guess you Heebs can't even play video football!
Butters: [giggles] Yeah. You're right. [Cartman stops for a few seconds, then drops his controller]
Cartman: You know Butters, you make for a lousy Jew.
Butters: Well I'm sorry. Well it's just that I'm not Jewish, and now th-
Cartman: No, no! Don't apologize, you asshole!
Ranger McFriendly: [barging in] Marsh!
Stan: Oh crap, Ranger McFriendly.
Cartman: Who?
Ranger McFriendly: You'd better come with me to the news station! Our situation just got a lot worse!
Scene Description: South Park News station, later. Stan looks over Keenan's shoulder as McFriendly, Cartman and Butters look on
Keenan: I noticed it on the computer this morning. Look here. [a satellite map is shown, with a closeup window over it. There's smug everywhere] This is the smug over South Park. It's... getting bigger and gaining strength.
Cartman: [clearly doesn't know what's happening] The smug?
Keenan: The smug is getting so massive that it's moving west... and fusing with the San Francisco smug... Here. [points to the smug over the California-Nevada border, near Reno] These two smug clouds are combining, fueling each other. [moves his hand over the hurricane-like formation over the Nevada-Utah border] Now take a look at this. [moves his hand towards Southern California. A small cell is moving northward]
Stan: What is that?
Keenan: It's the smug from George Clooney's acceptance speech at the Academy Awards.
Stan: George Clooney's acceptance speech?
Keenan: Did you hear it? He talked about how people in Hollywood are ahead of the curve on social mattes. He even took credit for the Civil Rights movement -Look!! The point is... the smug from his acceptance speech has been slowly drifting north since he gave it... and is headed straight for the super cell. The South Park and San Francisco smug is already at critical mass. If it gets hit by George Clooney's acceptance speech, it will be a disaster of epic proportions. The perfect storm... of self-satisfaction.
Ranger McFriendly: We've got to tell the townspeople! South Park still has a chance to make it through the storm!
Stan: What about San Francisco?
Keenan: [with gravity] Kid, thanks to your gay little song, there's not gonna be a San Francisco.
Scene Description: South Park Square, day. A town meeting has again been called, this time for storm preparation. Ranger McFriendly is talking
Ranger McFriendly: Soo, that's it people. [a different map showing the various smugs is shown, with an arrow going from Clooney's smug to the center of the super cell] When the smug from George Clooney's speech hits the San Francisco and South Park smug, we're gonna witness a storm the likes of which we've never seen.
Randy: Are you trying to tell us the smug from our hybrids is actually gonna kill us all?
Ranger McFriendly: If the smug clouds remain the way they are, yes. [the crowd grasps, then people begin talking about it]
Jimbo: This is all Stan's fault! He wrote that gay little song and got us to drive those damned hybrids!
Randy: Yeah. Good going, stupid!
Ranger McFriendly: Listen! Though we all agree this is Stan's fault, there is still something we can do. If we all work together to reduce smugness, we might be able to lessen the effects of the storm, at least here in our own town.
Stephen: Then that's it. There's only one way to reduce smugness. We've gotta destroy every hybrid car in town! [the crowd responds vigorously to the plan]
Jimbo: Everyone get your hybrid and meet at Dawson's! [Stan turns left and walks away]
Randy: Hey, where do you think YOU're going?!
Stan: [stops and turns to face the crowd] I'm gonna try and warn Kyle to get out of San Francisco.
Randy: Oh no you're not! Your gay little song got us to drive hybrids; you're gonna help us get rid of 'em!
Ranger McFriendly: How long do we have until the smug clouds collide?
Keenan: Not long. The smug from George Clooney's Academy Awards Acceptance Speech has already crossed into Arizona.
Scene Description: The Arizona desert, day. The smug is shown floating over a desert road. Dusty and Sons gas station is shown. The smug is quickly approaching the station.
Attendant: The hell is that? [The cloud goes over the station. As it goes over, clips of George Clooney's Academy Awards Acceptance Speech issue from within, ending with "Oscar winner, George Clooney, sexiest man alive"]
Scene Description: San Francisco, day. Cartman and Butters are at the city limit, having planned to rescue Kyle. Cartman puts on a pressurized suit with a long umbilical cord
Butters: Wow, Eric. You sure are a great guy for doing this.
Cartman: [puts on the gloves] I don't have a choice. Somebody has to get into San Francisco and warn Kyle's family to get out before the storm hits.
Butters: But... how come we can't just take the bus on into the city?
Cartman: You don't know San Francisco, Butters. [zips the suit up] It was the breeding ground for the hippie movement in the 60s. Those hard-core liberals, lesbian activists, and die hard modern hippies young and old. [turns around and sighs] I swore I would never set foot in San Francisco. God help me. [reaches down, picks up the helmet, and puts it on, locks it in place, and pressurizes the suit. Communication resumes through the intercom] All right, Butters, I'll be tethered to you through this cord. It's my only lifeline, so make sure it stays taut. If you stop hearing my voice, for the love of Christ, start reeling me in with all your strength.
Butters: [adjusts his headset] I will. You're really great for going to warn Kyle, Eric.
Cartman: I'm not doin' it for Kyle. [turns around] I can't believe I'm actually going to walk through San Francisco. Well, here it goes. [begins to walk slowly and deliberately into the city]
Scene Description: Dawson's Junkyard, day. Hybrid cars are awaiting destruction. The camera focuses on a green one, which is soon lifted away by a massive electromagnet. Inside a small room, Stan mans the controls. Mr. Mackey and Stan's parents look on as Ranger McFriendly guides Stan
Ranger McFriendly: All right. All right, now get it into the masher! Hurry up!
Stan: Can't somebody else operate this? I can't really reach.
Ranger McFriendly: Well then you shouldn't have written that gay little song, shouldn't you have?! [The green hybrid is now over the masher, and Stan releases it. Moments later, a cube of twisted green metal slides out and drops onto the ground] Keenan, we've gotten rid of half the hybrid cars! How are the smug levels?!
Keenan: They're dropping, slowly, but... but we're running out of time!
Scene Description: San Francisco. Cartman is now in the Haight-Ashbury district. People look and move on
Man: Yeah, it's like, San Francisco is more of a European city, like Paris or Milan.
Cartman: [checking in] Butters, are you there?!
Butters: [making sure the cord is taut] I'm here, Eric.
Cartman: I've started to enter the smug. I'm about a quarter mile in. Can you give me an EL?
Butters: [now reading a map] You must be nearing Union Square. Did you see a fountain to your left?
Cartman: Yes. It's just beyond yet another wine and cheese store.
Butters: Wait, uhh, eh take your next right. You've got to start heading west.
Cartman: Turning right at O two four niner. [turns right at the corner and continues walking]
Scene Description: Dawson's Junkyard, day. Stan is still manning the controls. He drops a red hybrid into the masher, and a cube of twisted red metal slides out and drops onto the ground
Randy: That's it. That's that the last one.
Ranger McFriendly: Keenan? Keenan, we've smashed the last hybrid!
Keenan: Harry, the smug from Clooney's speech is about to hit the other smug system! Get everyone inside! [the townsfolk hear the warning and run around all over the place. Keenan says softly, deeply] God help us.
Scene Description: Over northeast Nevada, the speech's smug nears the supercell. From the ground, the smug is seen floating along quickly, reciting Clooney's speech. It runs into the super cell and stops talking. Immediately, lightning envelopes the super cell and spreads to San Francisco and South Park
Scene Description: San Francisco, under the Perfect Storm of Self-Satisfaction. Stuff begins to roll down the street on which Kyle lives. Cartman approaches his house
Cartman: Butters?! Butters, I think I'm here! 2419 Castillo?!
Butters: That's it! Eric, hurry! Somethin's goin' on out here!
Scene Description: The Broflovski house. Gerald and Sheila are thoroughly spent from the party, so they don't take notice of the storm outside. Cartman opens the door and the sound of thunder fills the house
Cartman: Mr. Broflovski! Mr. Broflovski, there a smug storm! We have to go!
Gerald: [Slowly, blissfully] Being smug is a good thing. [farts in his armchair, bends down to inhale it]
Cartman: Oh my CHRIST! [runs up to Kyle's room and kicks the door open. Kyle and Ike are as wasted as Gerald and Sheila are. They sit on the floor with their backs against Ike's bed] Kyle? Kyle!
Kyle: The acid. Dude, I'm totally tripping balls.
Ike: I'm totally tripping balls. I'm totally tripping balls.
Cartman: [trying to shake Kyle to his senses] We have to get out of here! Now! [lightning strikes the house, which begins to burn. The lights begin to flicker, and the camera zooms in on Cartman, who continues shaking Kyle] Kyle! Kyle!! [the screen goes black]
Scene Description: Fade in to South Park, the morning after. People begin cleaning up. The storm dealt a heavy blow to South Park
Network anchor: And now, the worst appears to be over. Last night's smug storm... has left thousands homeless. All across the Midwest, people are picking up the pieces. Cities like Denver and South Park are heavily damaged, but still all right. However, San Francisco, I'm afraid... has disappeared completely up its own asshole.
Stan: No...
Randy: I'm sorry, Stan. I'm sorry your gay little song killed your friend.
Clyde: Hey! Hey, Stan! You're not gonna believe it! You've gotta come see!
Stan: What?
Clyde: It's a miracle!
Scene Description: Downtown South Park, day. The Broflovskis are back in town, safe and sound and glad to see everyone. Everyone marvels at their return. The Marshes arrive. Stan spots Kyle and runs up to him
Stan: Kyle!
Kyle: Hey Stan.
Stan: Dude, what happened?? [grins]
Gerald: We don't know. We were all passed out and... next thing we know we just woke up on a bus heading here.
Mr. Mackey: It's like you had a guardian angel, m'kay? [Butters looks to Cartman for any reaction. Cartman puts his left index finger to his mouth, indicating that Butters should keep his mouth shut about this]
Stan: [gives Kyle a brief hug] Dude, I'm so glad you're not dead.
Richard: So I guess there's nothing left to do now but... rebuild.
Randy: Yeah. First off, we're all gonna need new cars.
Gerald: And let's make sure nobody gets a stupid hybrid, right? [everyone seems to agree and discusses it...]
Kyle: NO! Hybrid cars are a good thing!
Mr. Mackey: But hybrid cars are the leading cause of smug, m'kay?
Kyle: Hybrid cars don't cause smugness, people do. [silent reactions all around] Look, hybrid cars are important. They may even save our planet one day. What you all need to do is just learn to drive hybrids and not be smug about it.
Randy: You mean... drive in hybrids... but not act like we're better than everyone else because of it.
Kyle: Yeah!
Randy: I'm... [puts his hands over his lower belly] I'm not ready...
Gerald: I don't think I can do it either.
Mr. Mackey: It's simply asking too much.
Randy: Perhaps... one day... we can learn to drive hybrids without being smug about it, but for now... the technology is just too much for us.
Gerald: Come on, everybody! Let's go buy wasteful gas guzzlers! [everyone likes the idea; they all disperse]
Cartman: [walks up to Kyle] Well, looks like you're back for good, huh Kyle?
Kyle: Yeah, I guess so.
Cartman: We just can't get rid of you, can we, you sneaky Jew rat!
Kyle: Don't belittle my people, you fucking fatass! [turns and walks away angry]
Cartman: Ah, that's better. [smiles]