Scene Description: The neighborhood, day. The boys head for the park.
Cartman: All right, this time, it's me and Kenny versus you two assholes.
Kyle: Fine.
Stan: [stops] Oh, dude, what's with all the homeless people? [all around the basketball court homeless people loiter or sleep. There's one bum sleeping at center court. The boys walk up to him] Sir, could you move a little, please?
Bum: Spare some change?
Cartman: [pinches his nose shut] Aw, dude, he smells like Kenny's house. [releases the pinch] Get out of here!
Kyle: You guys, that's not cool. These people have nowhere to go. [a slow pan of the homeless around them] They don't have food or shelter. We have to do something.
Stan: Well dude, what are we supposed to do?
Kenny: (Yeah, what are we supposed to do?)
Cartman: No, Kyle's right, you guys. We should do something.
Kyle: Really?
Cartman: Yeah. I know what you're thinking, Kyle, and I'm with you. I know exactly what we should do.
Scene Description: Moments later, kids from around the neighborhood gather in the basketball court.
Butters: [through a bullhorn] Gather 'round and witness the glory as Eric Cartman attempts to jump his skateboard over the homeless. [Stan and Kenny prepare the ramp at center court for Cartman]
Cartman: Thank you, thank you. [to Stan and Kenny] The ramp ready?
Stan: Yeah, it's all set.
Clyde: He won't make it.
Kyle: Excuse me, this isn't exactly what I had in mind!
Cartman: All right, here we go! Jimmy? [Jimmy starts the drum roll. Cartman takes off and picks up speed on his way to the ramp. Tweek and Bebe have their fists ready to pump for him. He leaves the ramp successfully, only to land on the bum and hit the ground without injury]
Bum: Oh! Aww.
Cartman: [jumps off his skateboard] Yes! I did it! [tosses his helmet away] I jumped over the homeless! [turns around] Yes!
Kenny: (Yehes!)
Stan: That was a sweet idea, Kyle. [smiles]
Kyle: God damn it, that wasn't my idea!
Scene Description: South Park City Hall, day, the City Council. The Mayor is presiding and her two aides stand behind her
Mayor McDaniels: All right, people, we need to come up with answers. There are homeless sprouting up all over town. What are we supposed to do? [silence for a few seconds]
Fire Chief: Well, I, I short of had an idea.
Mayor McDaniels: Please, Mr. Valmer.
Mr. Valmer: [the fire chief] We could give the homeless all designer sleeping bags and makeovers. At least that way they'd be pleasant to look at.
Other Members: Oh, that's a good one. Good idea. I like it.
Randy: Well I was thinking: We could turn the homeless into tires, so that we'd still have homeless, but we could use them, on our cars.
Mr. Valmer: Ohh, that's a good one.
Mr. Mackey: Nice one, Randy.
Gerald: Like it.
Aide: That's like recycling.
Mrs. Testaburger: All right, enough! I find this whole conversation to be extremely offensive! The homeless aren't monsters, they are people, like you and me!
Randy: You mean they've adapted, copied our DNA.
Homeless advisor: Excuse me. I am the top researcher of homeless studies for Park County. I don't know why more homeless people are showing up in town, but I do know... that we must be extremely careful. If we give them anything, there could be more.
Scene Description: Kyle's house, a rainy night. Kyle looks out from a window on the second floor and sees a homeless man on the sidewalk. The man carries a used tin can with his right hand and a small "SPARE CHANGE?" cardboard sign with his left hand. A car passes by and honks. Kyle takes pity on him and comes downstairs. He opens the front door, exits, and walks up to the man.
Kyle: Hi. I've uh... [the man faces him] I've been saving up for a new Xbox game but... but I think you could use the money a lot more than I could. Listen I, I want you to take this. [hands him a bill] It's twenty dollars. [drops it into the tin can and backs up, smiling]
Bum: Got any more?
Kyle: [frowns] No, that... I thought that was a lot.
Bum: [turns around and walks off a bit, asking no one in particular] Spare any change?
Kyle: [sad at the lack of gratitude] You're welcome. [walks back into the house with his head down]
Scene Description: South Park, morning. Kyle climbs onto his toy box and looks out the window again. More homeless people have arrived and are camped out in front of the house.
Kyle: Oh crap. [the doorbell rings and Kyle comes down to answer it. Stan, Kenny, and Cartman enter]
Stan: Dude, what are all these homeless people doing in front of your house?
Kyle: I don't know.
Cartman: There's a bunch outside my house too.
Bum: [female] Spare any change, sir?
Cartman: No! Fuck off! [slams the door shut]
Stan: I don't get it. My Dad said as long as nobody gave them money, they'd move on.
Kyle: He did?
Cartman: Well this is bullcrap! Somebody has to be responsible!
Kyle: Well, I... kind of gave a homeless guy twenty dollars last night.
Cartman: You what?!
Kyle: Oh c-come on, that can't be why they're all here. There has to be another reason.
Stan: Kyle, what were you thinking?
Cartman: [makes his way to Kyle] Yeah! I can't possibly jump these many homeless people! I won't risk it! I could jump two homeless people, maybe three, but asking me to jump this many is asking me to risk my life, Kyle!
Kyle: I don't want you to jump them, retard!
Scene Description: South Park, commercial district, day. Randy walks along Main Street, not really paying attention...
Bum 1: Spare some change?
Randy: No, sorry, I don't have any change.
Bum 2: [a few stores down] Got any change?
Randy: No, sorry. [the bum follows him until he passes the third bum]
Bum 3: Can you spare some change? [Randy looks back and runs into the fourth bum]
Bum 4: [holds out his cup] Chaaange?
Randy: Huh! I don't have any change. [more bums come out of the woodwork and crowd in on him]
Bum 5: [an elderly woman] Change?
Randy: No!
Bum 6: Change? [Randy runs across the street, but...]
Bum 7: Spare some change?
Randy: [shielding himself with his suitcase] Leave me alone I don't have any change!
Bum 7: All right, God bless you, sir.
Randy: Oh, now I feel bad. [goes back to the bum] Here! [tosses some change into the cup] Ahh! [the other bums reach the other side of the street] Hahh! [begins to run, but other homeless people appear, asking for change. Randy moves past them] Nono, that was really all the change I had.
Bum 7: [jumps into view again] Spare some change?
Randy: I just gave you change!
Bum 8: [another old woman] Change? [the homeless crowd Randy in and he can't escape. Their pleading takes on a chanting quality: "Change? Change? Change? Spare some change? God bless. ..."]
Randy: Wahhh! I don't have any more change! [makes his way through the crown of bums] Noo! I don't have any change! I don't have any chaaange! [disappears under the sea of homeless people]
Scene Description: The South Park Community Center, day. Gerald, Jimbo, and the Stotches are present.
Gerald: Okay, that'll be great. Let's also make sure we have enough chairs in the community center for everyone to attend.
Randy: [outside] Waaah! [bangs on the doors] Awwww! [enters, shuts the door behind him, and locks it] Stay away! [implores and pounds on the door] Stay awayhay!
Jimbo: Randy? Randy, what happened?
Randy: Stay awa- ...I don't have any change! [collapses on the floor against the door] I don't have any chaaaahahange!
Scene Description: A splash screen comes up for News 5.
Announcer: This is a News 5 Special Bulletin, with Chris Swollenballs.
Chris Swollenballs: South Park has become overrun with the homeless. [a shot of the homeless crowd in front of South Park Elementary, then another shot of them in front of Tom's Rhinoplasty] Nearly every square inch of public property is now riddled with homeless, shutting down roadways and making getting around impossible. [a portrait of a homeless woman] Many people are trapped throughout the town. [an aerial shot of the community center. The center is surrounded by homeless people, with the five adults inside it now on the roof]
Randy: Help! Help us!
Scene Description: Kyle's house, living room. The boys watch the breaking news on TV
Stan: Dude, it's our dads.
Kyle: Oh my God.
Chris Swollenballs: In the meantime, South Park citizens are being advised to stay indoors and protect their change.
Bum 9: [appears behind him in the newsroom] Spare some change?
Chris Swollenballs: What the? You can't be in here.
Bum 9: Ya got any change, sir?
Chris Swollenballs: No I don't have any change. How did he get in here?
Bum 10: Chaaaaange?
Chris Swollenballs: No, please. I don't have any change. Honest I don't. I don't have any- [a PLEASE STAND BY screen pops up and the station goes off the air]
Cartman: You see what you did, Kyle?!
Stan: Come on, we have to try and help our stupid parents. [the boys turn off the TV and head outside]
Scene Description: Kyle's house, outside.
Cartman: They're everywhere!
Aide: [pulls up in his car] What are you boys doing? Get in.
Bum 11: [knocks on his window] Spare any change, sir?
Aide: [throws up his arms and shakes his head vigorously] Ahhhh! [settles down and starts driving] Come on, let's go! [some distance down the street] What the hell were you doing outside?!
Stan: Our parents are stuck on top of a building in town.
Aide: You aren't getting into town! It's completely overrun with these... things. [a bum lands on the windshield]
The Boys: Ahh! [the bum begins to wash the windshield]
Aide: No! I don't need my windshield cleaned! Stop it! Stop iiit! [peels off at the first opportunity] Look, our only hope is to talk to the homeless researcher out on Travis Street. He understands what's goin' on better than anybody. Just stick with me, kids. [enters an intersection, but doesn't notice the driver to his left, who's not paying attention to the road. They collide, with the aide dying on the spot]
The Boys: [exit the car uninjured] Aaahhh! [they move along the street, but notice the homeless everywhere. Another collision takes place a block away from them]
Kyle: Holy shit, dude! [behind him, the other three boys move a manhole cover off to one side, opening up a new means of escape]
Stan: Over here! [Kyle looks back. Cartman and Kenny drop down into the sewer and Kyle walks to the manhole.] Jump down! Go! [Kyle drops down, and finally, Stan]
Cartman: [pinching his nose shut with his left hand as he fans the smell away with his right] Aw man, it really smells like Kenny's house down here.
Kenny: [punches Cartman angrily] (Dude, shut the fuck up about my house!)
Cartman: Whoa, Kenny, relax dude. We need to work together.
Stan: Come on, we gotta get to that scientist's house. [they move forward.]
Scene Description: South Park, street level, day. The homeless have paralyzed the town as crashed cars are shown everywhere. The community center roof is shown, with Randy looking out over the parking lot with binoculars. Gerald and Jimbo sit in chairs
Randy: [lowers his binoculars] No sign of anybody else.
Gerald: [rising from his chair] That's it. I'm gonna make a break for it.
Randy: [turns around to face him] Don't be crazy, Gerald. You'll never get through all those homeless people.
Stephen: And even if you did, what then? You can't drive anywhere.
Gerald: If I can make it through them, maybe I can catch the bus to Fairplay. I have to try.
Randy: You won't make it through, Gerald! [Gerald leaves quickly and heads downstairs. He leaves the community center, only to be hounded by bums begging for change]
Gerald: [making his way through] Ahh. Ahhhahhahahahh.
Bums: Change? Change sir? You got some change?
Gerald: Don't have any change... Don't have any change... Damn it! All right, you want change? Here. [reaches into his left pocket and tosses some change off to his left] There! There's some change. All right, a little bit. [reaches into his right pocket and tosses some change off to his right] There you go. Take the change. [leaves, but stops himself] Oh wait. Wait, now I don't have any change left for the bus. Hold on. Can I just get back some of that change, please?
Bum 12: Change, sir?
Gerald: Can I have just a little change for the bus, please? I need a little... anybody have some change? Change? Got any change? [Randy follows Gerald through his binoculars] Change. Change? [Randy lowers his binoculars in horror]
Stephen: What happened?
Randy: [closes his eyes] He's become one of them.
Scene Description: South Park, night, under a full moon. All around town, the homeless ask for change. The boys are shown arriving at an office of some sort. They knock on the door and the homeless researcher answers it
Homeless advisor: Go away, I I don't have any change.
Stan: Are you the head of Homeless Studies?
Homeless advisor: Yes. Who are you?
Stan: We think this may be our friend's fault. [shows Kyle] He gave one of the homeless twenty dollars yesterday-
Homeless advisor: Oh my God. Get in here! Tell me what's going on? [the boys enter and he shuts the door]
Stan: There's a bunch of people trapped in the middle of town surrounded by homeless people. W-we can't get to them.
Cartman: All right, all right, look! I didn't wanna risk it, but... I think I know what to do. I'll try to jump all those homeless and get to the people on that roof.
Homeless advisor: Jump them?
Cartman: I jump the homeless professionally. If you can get me a skateboard, I'll try to jump that homeless crowd and save those people.
Kyle: Oh, shut up, Cartman. All you did was jump over one homeless guy.
Cartman: I easily could have cleared another thirty or forty.
Kyle: You barely made it over one, fatass!
Stan: Kyle, enough! Cartman jumping more homeless people isn't gonna solve anything right now!
Kyle: God damn it! I don't want him to jump over more a-
Homeless advisor: Boys! Boys! I don't think you quite understand how the homeless function. Perhaps you should come downstairs. To my laboratory. [lightning and thunderclaps follow]
Scene Description: South Park Community Center, night. The homeless now call up to the roof.
Randy: We don't have any change! Go away!
Linda: Anything, Stephen?
Stephen: No. All the phone lines are completely down. [the stairwell door behind them rattles and they turn to face it in fear. Randy steps toward it with his shotgun and cocks it. More knocking on the door]
A Man: [inside the stairwell] Hello? Ih-it's Steve Garrett from the library. Pu-please let us in.
Randy: Find another place to hide, Steve!
Steve: I I have others with me. We we have nowhere else to go. One woman here is pregnant.
Stephen: We can't just leave them out there.
Steve: Let us in! For God's sake, they're coming! No! No, I'm sorry, we don't have any change.
Linda: You have to let them in, Randy.
Randy: There isn't enough food for more people up here!
Steve: Oh God. One of them is a war veteran. [more knocking] We're gonna have to give him some change.
Stephen: This isn't happening!
Randy: All right all right, fine! [approaches slowly and opens the door. The refugees stream forth]
Bum 13: Could you spare some change, sir?
Randy: [shuts the door quickly] Harrrh!
Scene Description: The Homeless Advisor's lab, later. He's dissected the body of a dead homeless person.
Homeless advisor: I've dissected several homeless to see what make them tick. Their anatomy is shockingly similar to ours. See? Everything is there: heart, lungs, kidneys, they're almost identical to us in every way. Except for one. [a homeless man is chained to a wall by a chain around his neck. The advisor approaches him] The homeless... can survive solely... on change. [pulls out some change]
Bum 14: [sticks out his cup and strains to get the money] Change?
Homeless advisor: They feed on our change. They need it in order to keep them moving
Bum 14: Is that... is that some spare change?
Homeless advisor: Somehow they're able to take... our change... and turn it into nourishment, sustenance.
Bum 14: Spare some of that change, sir?
Homeless advisor: But now watch. [drops some coins into the bum's cup and walks back to the boys. The bum rattles his cup a bit]
Bum 14: Spare some change?
Homeless advisor: It has already completely forgotten that I've given it change. It just wants... more, change. Look over here. [heads to his left and the boys follow] This one I've kept deprived of change for over three days.
Bum 15: Chaaaaange?
Kyle: What's it doing?
Homeless advisor: It's dying.
Cartman: Cool.
Homeless advisor: I've learned that the nearby city of Evergreen had a homeless problem just before we did. And they were able to stop it.
Gerald: [finds the advisor's office and enters] Excuse me, the front door was open. Can I borrow some change? [other homeless men follow him in]
Homeless advisor: Oh my God, they're coming in! [leads the boys to an escape hatch above some crates] Quick kids, get out of here! You can fit!
Kyle: [helps Cartman up] What about you?
Homeless advisor: Get to Evergreen and find out how they got rid of the homeless! I'll be all right!
Cartman: Eh! Stop pushing, Kenny.
Gerald: Hello? [comes down a spiral staircase] I I'm sorry, I just really need some change for the bus?
Bum 16: Change?
Bum 17: Spare some change?
Bum 18: Change?
Gerald: Stop it! I really do need change!
Bum 16: Me too. Change?
Gerald: [outside the lab] Change? [knocks on the lab door] Hello? Do you have any change?
Bum: [outside the lab] Chaaange?
Homeless advisor: Sorry to take the easy way out. [takes a gun to his right temple and cocks it. An exterior view of his office is shown and a gunshot heard. Back inside, he's still standing, in pain. The bullet went out the left temple, but didn't kill him.] OW! OH, FUCK! OWW! [next he tries shooting through his jaw, and the bullet comes out through his right cheek.] OHHH! AH! GOD! [shoots through his jaw again, and the bullet goes out his right cheek again. This time he gargles and drops on all fours. He shoots through his right shoulder three times, but still lives. This time he takes the gun to his forehead and cocks the gun. The exterior view of his office is shown again and a gunshot is heard. Back inside, he's still alive. The bullet to the brain didn't kill him. This time he shoots at his heart twice, and that finally kills him. He writhes around for a few seconds and dies.]
Scene Description: The South Park Community Center. There are so many homeless people now that it looks like a page out of "Where's Waldo?" There are now thirteen people on the roof, all asking for change.
Randy: [rifling through a box] No. No, damn it! [faces the small group on the roof with him] That's it. That's it, everyone. We're out of Pop-Tarts.
Jimbo: No. We can't be.
Randy: Face it, we're gonna starve!
Linda: No, no wait, there's still a box over here.
Randy: Those are cherry! Ich!
Head of Public Safety: [his cell phone rings and he rises] Wait, I got a signal! I got a signal. [dials a number]
Gerald: What? You do?
Randy: How? Call the fire department.
Head of Public Safety: I'm calling my wife! [waits for her to pick up] Mary. Mary baby, are you all right?
Linda: Oh, maybe we're gonna be okay.
Stephen: Ask her what's happening.
Head of Public Safety: Mary, what's goin' on out there? Nobody's coming for us. They what? No! That's impossible. But how can that be? We didn't even- [the phone cuts out] Hello? Mary. [tries to reconnect] Mary!
Jimbo: What happened, Glen?
Glen: [Head of Public Safety] There's no help coming! She said... because of all the homeless... because of all the homeless in South Park property values have plummeted. I had two liens against my house and so the bank is foreclosing! I don't have a home anymore. [Randy and the others are quiet for a moment, but Randy knows what he must do. He pumps his shotgun and aims at Glen.]
Linda: Randy, what are you doing?
Randy: He's homeless now. We aren't safe.
Glen: I'm not like them.
Randy: Not yet. It's only a matter of time.
Linda: [tries dissuading Randy] And what are you gonna do, huh? Just blow his head off?
Randy: If we have to! Siddown Glen!
Glen: Randy, you can't just-
Randy: SIT... doowwwnnnn!
Scene Description: Another shot of the homeless on the street.
Scene Description: Back to a shot of the roof. Glen is sitting under a blanket again.
Glen: This is crazy. How can they just take away my house? Where am I supposed to put all my things? I don't have a place for all my stuff; where am I supposed to put all my stuff? I'll need to pay for storage. Can I borrow some- money to put my stuff in storage? Come on guys. If you all just help me out a little bit. Each one of you just put in a little... change? Change? [That's it. Randy fires at him and blows the upper half of his head off. Randy sighs heavily]
Scene Description: A brilliant sunrise in the Rockies. Another shot reveals a ruined town - Evergreen. The four boys arrive and look at the destruction
Stan: What the hell happened here? [three men in camouflage appear and aim their shotguns at them]
Man 1: [wearing a white and blue bandana around his neck] That's far enough! Just march your butts right back out of our town!
Stan: We, just came to ask a question.
Man 2: You homeless or homeowners?
Kyle: We're nine.
Man 1: Yeah? Well that makes you homeless, so get out of here before you die!
Stan: Look, we just need help with our own homeless problem.
Cartman: Yeah. This Jew here made them take over our town.
Kyle: Shut up, Cartman!
Man 1: Cartman? Eric Cartman? The kid who jumped thirty homeless people on a skateboard?
Cartman: Youu heard about that?
Man 2: Heard about it? They said you could have easily cleared fifty homeless with that jump.
Cartman: Thirty was hard enough.
Kyle: Oh God! It wasn't thirty, it was one! He jumped over one homeless person with his stupid skateboard, and he barely made it over that guy!
Stan: Kyle, knock it off! We're here to find out how to get rid of the homeless, not how many homeless Cartman can jump!
Cartman: Please, we just want you to tell us how you got rid of the homeless in your town.
Man 2: Well, that was easy. [the group moves to a clearing where the boys sit on a bench while the first man serves himself some coffee and begins explaining]
Man 1: The homeless first started arriving in Evergreen about three months ago. At first there were only a few of them, askin' for change, sleeping in the parks. But then more showed up, and we realized there was somethin' different about them. They fed off of our change to the point that they could actually start renting apartments. We knew it wouldn't be long before the homeless actually started buying homes. And then we'd have no idea who was homeless and who wasn't! The people living in the house right next door to you could be homeless and you wouldn't even know! [sips] Nobody could trust anybody! Fights broke out. War! [Kyle notices something on the ground] That's when I started suspecting that [the something is a pamphlet that says "HAVEN FOR THE HOMELESS" on the front cover. He picks it up] my own wife, who I'd been living with for twenty years, was actually homeless. So I had to burn her. In her bed while she slept. [Kyle reads the pamphlet] After she died I vowed I wouldn't let the homeless destroy our town! So we came up with a plan to get rid of them once and for all. [Kyle opens the pamphlet and is met with these words: "HAVEN FOR THE HOMELESS. TRY SOUTH PARK."]
Kyle: You son of a bitch. [gets off the bench and approaches the first man with the pamphlet] You didn't solve your homeless problem, you just sent all your homeless to South Park! [opens the pamphlet to show him]
Man 1: That's right, yes.
Stan: What?
Kyle: I knew it! It wasn't because I gave that guy twenty dollars! The homeless all came from here!
Man 1: And it was Texas who sent them to us! People in San Antonio got rid of their homeless by tellin' them what a great place Evergreen was!
Stan: [getting off the bench] But then you didn't solve the problem, you just moved it!
Man 1: Right. But we survived.
Woman: [pops up out of nowhere, almost a skeleton] Dehhhnyihhhs! [she's armed with a rifle and ready to shoot]
Dennis: [Man 1, turns around. The other two men look as well] Christine!
Christine: You sonothatitch! You tried to kinn me!
Dennis: I had to, Christine, you were homeless.
Christine: No, I wasn't honeless yeh stukid asshole!
Dennis: Christine, I can't understand you.
Christine: Yeah! Gecause you durned my yits oth!
Dennis: I nurned your rip sauce?
Christine: No! You durned my yits oth!
Dennis: I have no idea what you're saying! [Christine shoots him] Ow! [Dennis is dead. The third man kills Christine, who fires one final shot and hits the second man. The second man kills the third and dies moments later]
Stan: Dude, our parents are just as stupid as these people, our town is gonna end up just like this!
Kyle: [turns around] No it isn't. Come on, I have an idea.
Stan: No no, we're not having Cartman jump any more homeless people, Kyle!
Kyle: That isn't my idea! I saw a bus in a garage a couple of blocks back! We need to modify it!
Kenny: (What are you gonna do?)
Kyle: We're gonna save our parents before they all kill each other!
Scene Description: Montage: the boys modify a bus. Stan works on the front fenders. Cartman works on brakes and accelerator. Kenny works on tightening the barbed wire running along the roof's edge. Kyle works on putting up a shield in front of the bus with a screw gun. Stan moves to the transmission. Cartman and Kenny reinforce the sides of the bus. Kyle works on the PA system.
Scene Description: The community center roof. The refugees sit around. A bus horn is heard and the refugees rouse themselves. Randy looks out over the parking lot and sees the bus. The homeless clear a path for the bus
Randy: A bus! A bus is coming!
Jimbo: [seeing who's inside] It's the boys! They've modified a bus to get us out of here!
Stephen: I knew they'd come back for us!
Linda: All right!
A Woman: Yeah.
Randy: [props up Glen's corpse so it faces the bus] Look, Glen. We're saved. [the bus stops]
Stan: All right, I'm turning around
Stephen: Why are they turning?
Randy: [drops the corpse] What are they doing? [the bus turns so the front end now faces away from the community center. Randy calls out] Don't leave us!
Kyle: All right, hit it.
Cartman: Let's hope to Christ this works. [prepares to press the red button. Music begins to play]
Backup Singers: California Love[the homeless grow quiet]
The Boys: California
Cartman: Is nice to the homeless Californiania Supercool to the homeless
The Boys: In the city
Cartman: City of Santa Monica Lots of rich people giving change to the homeless
Bum: [holds up his tin can] Chaaange? [the adults on the roof still have no idea what's going on]
The Boys: In the city
Kyle: City of Brentwood They take really good care of all their homeless
Cartman: [to Stan] They're listening. Let's go! [a Destination Marquee is shown. Stan flips switch C on and presses a green button. The marquee changes from Denver to California]
The Boys: In the city
Cartman: Marina del Rey They're so nice to the homeless built them port-a-potties
Stephen: They're... they're leading them away!
Jimbo: We're gonna be all right!
Randy: [props the corpse up once again] Oh Glen! We made it!
Cartman: CaliforniaSupercool to the homeless
Scene Description: A highway, day. The boys take the homeless westward.
Gerald: Cha-a-ange?
Cartman: CalifornianiaNa na orn nea
Scene Description: Santa Monica Pier. The bus passes it going south - towards Venice Beach. The homeless follow
The Boys: In the city
Scene Description: Venice Beach. The homeless head right in and make themselves at home
Cartman: City of Venice Right by Matt's house You can chill if you're homeless. [the music stops. Three homeless men sleep on the Strand and Cartman sails over them, landing on the third man and skating away]
Bum: Eughuhuh.
Cartman: [jumps off his skateboard, throws down his helmet and exults] Yes! That's three homeless! Suck on that! Fuck yeah! [faces his friends and the bums]
Stan: Honestly, I don't know what you see in this, Kyle.


Scene Description: Toy Safari, day. Shoppers walk by, enter, leave, browse, etc. Inside, in Aisle 3: Action Figures. Cartman browses one set of shelves. Another boy is shown behind him, browsing the facing shelves.
Cartman: [picks out a figure] Big Ring Slammer. Comes with posable neck-smash grip. [moves the package around with his left hand and strokes his chin with his right] That's pretty kewl. Let's see...
Boy: Cock! [Cartman is startled.]
Cartman: [puts the Slammer back on the rack and selects another figure.] The Black Jackal. Karate Kick Panel Force and bendable neck-
Boy: Asshole! Cock! Asshole, shit, shit cock! [his neck and face get taut as he blurts this out]
Clerk: [nearby] Ma'am, is that your son over there?
Mom: Yes, I'm sorry. My son has Tourette's Syndrome.
Clerk: Tourette's Syndrome?
Mom: It's a neurological disorder. He-he can't control what he says.
Clerk: Oh...
Boy: [turns his head hard to the left, his eyes shut] Shiit! [turns his head back to face forward] Dumb shiiit!
Mom: [goes to take her son home] A-alright Thomas, maybe we should go?
Thomas: All right Mom- Bitch! Ass bitch!
Mom: Here, let's buy you a nice toy to take home. [selects a figure and hands it to Thomas, who walks away with her, smiling. Cartman watches as they leave]
Cartman: [turns around and walks off, saying softly] Dude, that mom is kewl. [he arrives at the checkout line with his action figure]
Thomas: [stands in line behind Cartman] Cocknut! Augh... Stupid shit!
Cartman: [turns around and glares at Thomas] Are you talkin' to me?!
Thomas: No. Cocknose!
Cartman: What's your problem, kid?!
Mom: Oh, a-I'm sorry. [Thomas backs away a bit] My... son Thomas has Tourette's Syndrome. [a crowd begins to gather around them]
Cartman: What?
Thomas: Mom, let's just go. Shhhit!
Mom: People with Tourette's can't control certain tics. It's it's like a sneeze.
Thomas: Asshole ASSHOLE.
Cartman: [waves his arms around] Wait waitwait whoa whoa whoa. You're telling me there's an illness that makes you blurt out obscenities?
Thomas: Mom, can we just go home, please?
Mom: It's okay, Thomas. They understand.
Thomas: I want tuh go! [throws down his action figure and walks off, his hands over his mouth] Shitfag!
Man 1: Poor kid.
Clerk: Yeah.
Cartman: [turns around and faces the crowd] All right, hold on just a second here: Are you telling me that if you have this Tourette's Syndrome you can say whatever you want, all the time, and never get in trouble?
Clerk: It's a neurological disorder; he can't help it.
Man 1: Yeah! [Cartman blinks - CHING! He begins to think: "I've got a golden ticket... I've got a golden"]
Cartman: Twinkle in my eye. [turns and heads for the entrance] haha. HahaHAAhahahaha. [throws his action figure into the air and runs out the door]
Clerk: Hey don't you wanna buy that toy?
Cartman: I don't need the toy! I've found something better! [dances away] 'Cause I've got a golden ticket! I've got a golden chance to make my way!
Scene Description: Colorado Neurology Center, some days later. A doctor checks Cartman out as Liane watches
Liane: It started about four days ago, Doctor, and every day he seems to get worse.
Cartman: Puh- pussy!
Liane: Oh...
Cartman: Pussy! Cock! Shit! [covers his mouth in faking embarrassment]
Liane: Oh dear... I was checking out the Internet and ih, it almost seems like his symptoms are like those in something called "Tour, Tourette's Syndrome"?
Cartman: Tourette's Syndrome? What is that, Mommy. Butthole! Titties! Balls! [covers his mouth immediately]
Doctor: That doesn't seem likely. Tourette's is a hereditary disease; it doesn't just suddenly start.
Cartman: ...Cocksucker!
Doctor: [begins to think and walks off a bit] ...On the other hand, Tourette's does often develop later in a child's life, getting progressively worse.
Cartman: Oh wuh, well that's it! Shithead! Asshole! Mexican sticky balls!
Liane: Oh Doctor, can you help him?
Doctor: [turns around and walks back to them] We don't know very much about Tourette's I'm afraid. But we will give your son all the help we can.
Cartman: But what about school, Doctor? The teachers and the principal, they won't understand that I can't control what I say.
Doctor: Don't worry, young man. We'll make sure everyone understands your disease and gives you the compassion you deserve.
Cartman: Ohohh, that's awesome. Thank you. Faggot! [gives him a mischievous look]
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Cartman walks into view as the kids are at their lockers
Cartman: Shit! Butthole! [walks up to Wendy] Hey Wendy. DUMB BITCH! Uh, sorry. [smiles and moves on] Titties! Cock! [he's relishing this. He points to a redhead] Ginger retard! Asslicker dickface!
Kyle: Dude, you'd better watch it. The principal's right over there. [she walks up to them]
Cartman: Uh, Good morning, Principal Victoria. Shitballs!
Principal Victoria: Good morning, Eric. [turns right and walks away. Cartman walks off in the opposite direction]
Kyle: Did Cartman just say "shitballs" to the principal?
Butters: Huhyou didn't hear? Well Cartman has some, mental disease called Tourette's Syndrome or somethin'.
Kyle: What?
Craig: [in admiration] He's the luckiest kid in the world. If I could say "shitballs" to the principal I'd be sooo happy.
Cartman: [deciding to explain things. Mr. Mackey is in the background] Uh excuse me, excuse me everyone I, I guess you might have noticed my awkward tics. Asshole! Pussy asshole! [the other kids lean away] Ach, augh, I just want you to know that I can't control it.
Principal Victoria: It's okay, Eric. We all understand and we think you're very brave.
Kyle: [after some thought, points and says] He's faking.
Cartman: [his thunder is stolen and he covers for it] Ahahahaha, ayah- Excuse me everyone, I need to have a moment alone with my good friend Kyle? [walks to Kyle] Asscheeks! [hauls Kyle off to a clearing] Kyle, apparently you missed the school assembly yesterday, but I've been diagnosed with a very serious mental condition.
Kyle: You do not have Tourette's Syndrome, fatass!
Cartman: ...Oh, okay, you figured me out. [claps] Bravo, Kyle, bravo. Don't you see how awesome this is? It's like, a magic cloak that makes me impervious to getting in trouble.
Kyle: Who cares about saying whatever you-?
Cartman: Of course, if you want to be Sergeant Buzzkill once again, and spoil my fun because you're jealous you didn't think of it first, well go right ahead, Kyle.
Kyle: Grrhh, whatever. [walks off in a huff. Mr. Mackey walks by]
Cartman: Good morning, Mr. Mackey. Asspussy! [Mr. Mackey does nothing but walk away]
Craig: If I could say "asspussy" to the counselor I would be sooo happy.
Scene Description: Mrs. Garrison's class, later. Mrs. Garrison writes a math problem on the board: (-7)X(-2)
Mrs. Garrison: Okay, so what do we get when we multiply a negative number-?
Cartman: Dicktits!
Mrs. Garrison: [glances back at Cartman, then finishes writing] -when we multiply a negative number by another negative-?
Cartman: Shit! Asshole! [Mrs. Garrison looks at Cartman with a bit of shock, then turns to the board.] 'Scuse me. [Cartman smiles]
Mrs. Garrison: Ih if we apply what we've just learned, we see that all negatives can-
Cartman: Spooge, balls, bloody... vaginal... belch! [the class laughs. Cartman pretends to be hurt] You guys, don't laugh. It makes me feel insecure about my illness.
Mrs. Garrison: [facing the class] All right kids, let's just try to focus on learning, okay? [turns to the board] Now all you need to remember here is that negative numbers
Cartman: Tampon! Tampon DICKshit!
Kyle: Will you knock it off already?!
Cartman: Kyle, don't you think I wish I could? I'd give anything to be normal like you. KIKE.
Kyle: Don't push me, asshole!
Mrs. Garrison: Kyle, watch your language! [Cartman lets out a hearty laugh]
Craig: [getting miserable] If I could yell "tampon dickshit" in the classroom I'd be sooo happy.
Scene Description: The principal's office, later. Mrs. Garrison is inside talking with her.
Mrs. Garrison: Principal Victoria, it's just that Eric has become such a distraction I, I don't think I can teach my class anymore.
Principal Victoria: I understand it's been difficult, Mrs. Garrison, and so, Mr. Donaldson has come from the Tourette's Tolerance and Understanding Foundation. [Mr. Donaldson walks into view]
Mr. Donaldson: Hello Mrs. Garrison- [turns his head to the left] Ass. ASS. [recovers] I want to help your class better understand this illness. [turns his head to the left] Piss!
Kyle: [walks into the office, with Cartman following] No! Up yours, fatboy!
Cartman: Kyle please! I'm sorry!
Kyle: Principal Victoria, there's something you need to know! Cartman's Tourette's isn't real! He's faking!
Mr. Donaldson: Faking? [Kyle is sure he's got Cartman on the hook] You think people with Tourette's are faking?!
Kyle: [his certainty gone] N-no, I'm just saying that I think-
Mr. Donaldson: Do you have any idea how horrible that is to say? [turns his head to the left] Ass! ASS! [recovers] We aren't "faking", young man. Trust me, nobody wants this illness, ass. [turns his head to the left] PISS! PIIISS!
Cartman: That's right, Kyle. [turns his head to the left, where Kyle happens to be] Crap-filled vagina!
Mr. Donaldson: This is the kind of intolerance you teach at this school, Principal Victoria?!
Principal Victoria: No.
Mr. Donaldson: This if you wouldn't mind, I'd like to take this "bully" to see that Tourette's is very real. [turns his head to the left] Piiiss.
Scene Description: The Children's Therapy Center, day. Mr. Donaldson is seated with seven kids on chairs in a circle in the middle of the room. Two of them are Thomas and Kyle.
Mr. Donaldson: Kids, today during therapy class we have a special visitor. [turns his head to the right, where Kyle happens to be. Kyle jumps in his chair] ASS! [recovers and clears his throat] I, I wanted him to meet all of you so he could try to understand Tourette's
Teen Boy: Tourette's is like a cough or a sneeze. [shakes his head quickly] Brrrrr! [recovers] It isn't contagious like some people think. [shakes his head quickly] Brrrrrrrrr!
Blonde Girl: A lot of people with Tourette's have different tics. My tic [leans her head to the left, straightens it out, and snaps her fingers] is that I have to bend my neck and snap my fingers. But a lot of people don't even notice it. [leans her head to the left, straightens it out, and snaps her fingers]
Thomas: [turns his head to the right] Aw shit! COCK!
Brunette: Sometimes it can be embarrassing to have Tourette's, but I- [blinks and bobs her head] Boop. I've learned I shouldn't be mad at myself.
Mr. Donaldson: You see? These kids can't control their actions. Ass! Piss in the ass!
Kyle: L-look, I was just suggesting that maybe this one person could control what he said, but just didn't, for fun.
Teen Boy: Fun? [shakes his head quickly] Brrrrr! [recovers] This really isn't all that fun. [shakes his head quickly] Brrr, brrrrrr!
Thomas: Aw shit!
Brunette: [blinks and bobs her head] Boop. [The blonde girl leans her head to the left, straightens it out, and snaps her fingers]
Mr. Donaldson: [turns his head to the left] Piiiss, coming from my aaass!
Thomas: Yee-you wanna know about fun? Going to public places knowing you're going to make a fool of yourself. Embarrass your parents [turns his head to the right] Aw shit! [recovers] My dad... finally couldn't take it anymore. He... divorced my mom, s-said he'd still be around, but I only see him at Christmastime now. S-sh-shit! S-sh-shit! The worst part is I know how lonely my mom is. A lot of times I know she'd be better off if I was dead.
Kyle: Dude...
Mr. Donaldson: Your mom would not be better off if you were dead, Thomas. Even if people like Kyle here think so.
Kyle: Aw, come on!
Mr. Donaldson: So then you apologize for what you said before?
Kyle: Ah, I was just trying to... just, just in one instance... [the others stare at him] No. No, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. [The blonde girl leans her head to the left, straightens it out, and snaps her fingers]
Scene Description: The Children's Therapy Center, outside. Mr. Donaldson takes Kyle to his waiting parents as the other kids look on.
Mr. Donaldson: Well, Mr. and Ms. Broflovski, I think your son has learned a lot, and he appears to be honestly remorseful for making fun of people with disabilities. [turns his head to the left] Piss! PISS!
Sheila: Our son is a good kid. He just didn't understand Tourette's was a real disease.
Mr. Donaldson: Well, I think the only thing left now is for your son to apologize to his little classmate. [Cartman walks into view and bats his eyes at Kyle sweetly. Kyle does not appreciate this]
Gerald: Well Kyle?
Kyle: [grudgingly] I'm sorry.
Cartman: Oh, what was that? I I couldn't quite make that out, Kyle.
Kyle: [grudgingly, louder] I'm sorry.
Cartman: You're starry? I I don't get what you mean by that, Kyle. You're starry because uh I don't want it?
Kyle: I said I'm sorry, you piece of sh- [stops himself]
Cartman: Oh, oh, no, don't worry about it, Kyle. Now I understand. I've learned to deal with intolerance. Dumbshit douche bag! And it means a lot that you're standing here apologizing with your dad and lovely mother. [looks at Gerald and Sheila] Fag Jew! Jew bitch!
Sheila: Oh, thank you Eric.
Cartman: Thank you. Big-nosed kike! [Sheila laughs nervously]
Mr. Donaldson: Well I think we can all put this behind us now. [turns his head to the left] Piiiss out my aaass!
Cartman: Yeah. Piss out your ass right onto Kyle's mom's fat fucking Jew face! [thumps his chest and clears his throat] Oh goodness, 'scuse me. Jeez, that was a bad one. [starts to walk away] Well, gotta run, everybody. Got some big things in the works. [stops to whisper to Thomas] Isn't having Tourette's awesome? [leaves]
Scene Description: A Dateline commercial. Dateline graphics come up
Announcer: Next week on Dateline NBC: it's a Dateline special report.
Hansen: I'm Chris Hansen. You probably know me from To Catch A Predator, where we bust men looking for sex with children.
Scene Description: a clip from that show
Hansen: Go ahead and take a seat. Take a seat right over there.
Predator: Oh God, whoa, no.
Hansen: What are you doin' here?
Predator: I'm just bein' stupid, I guess.
Scene Description: return to the current show, with graphics indicating the change of focus from pedophiles to Tourette's
Hansen: But now we're switching our focus from pedophiles to Tourette's Syndrome. It all started when I received this touching letter from a brave little boy in Colorado.
Cartman: [doing a voice-over] Dear Mr. Hansen, I have Tourettes and I want the world to understand what it's like. Won't you do a special report on me so that the world can learn to ACCEPT us instead of just laugh? Donkey Boner!!! Eric Cartman [he doesn't say his name]
Hansen: This Saturday on Dateline I'll be bringing you Eric's story, live and uncensored, from his home in Colorado.
Announcer: Living with Tourette's: The Eric Cartman Story. This Saturday on Dateline NBC.
Cartman: [adding to the commercial] Finally, my wish of going public with my illness can come true. [jumps at the camera] Goddamn Jews! Suck my ass barf! [jumps back in shock, covers his mouth, then smiles at the camera sweetly, bending his head to the right]
Scene Description: A sleepy night, Cartman's house.
Scene Description: Cartman's room. Cartman makes himself a drink, adult-style: He has two liquor bottles, a bucket of ice, and two wine glasses. Why two? Hm... He serves himself some ice. A few seconds later, Kyle enters his room and slams the door shut
Cartman: Hello, Kyle. Dickhead!
Kyle: What's this about you going on live television on Saturday?!
Cartman: [serves himself some liquid] Yes. It's all finally come to fruition. [gently swirls the ice around] The final cog in my... master plan. [turns around to face Kyle] This Saturday I will go on national television, live. I will say ...horrible things on the air. [turns back and prepares a drink for Kyle] Despicable things. And people will call me brave.
Kyle: Cartman, there are people in the world who really have Tourette's Syndrome. This isn't funny!
Cartman: [takes the drink to Kyle] Not funny? I have free rein to say anything I want and you get into trouble if you try and stop me. Care for a Scotch?
Kyle: ...Scotch?
Cartman: [quickly gives him the drink in triumph] Kyle I've won! No matter how you look at it! I've managed not only to get away with saying whatever I want at school, on the bus, at the dinner table, but this Saturday I will actually say anything I want... on national television. I'm going to blast the Jews, Kyle. I'm going to call them every name in the book, and people will call it brilliant television. They'll probably give me an Emmy.
Kyle: You are not going to go on national television and spew a bunch of hate speech about Jewish people! I won't let you do it, Cartman!
Cartman: Then the game is on, Kyle.
Kyle: It's not a game, you derelict! And this isn't Scotch! It's apple juice! [Cartman looks at his drink]
Cartman: [walks back to make another "Scotch"] Do you have any idea how liberating it is to say whatever comes to mind? "Big titties! Buttmunch!" There's no walls anymore! "Shit!" Whatever enters my brain I can just say without thinking about it. "I wet my bed last night." [realizes what just happened]
Kyle: What did you say?
Cartman: Uhh nuh-nothing...
Kyle: You aren't gonna get away with this you stupid asshole! [runs out of the room and slams the door]
Cartman: Hm. That was... weird.
Scene Description: Whistlin' Willy's Pizza Gultch, day. Inside, a crowd has gathered to watch this Dateline special. A banner hanging from the ceiling says "WE'RE PROUD OF YOU ERIC!" On a low stage are Mr. Mackey, Liane Cartman and Eric, Mr. Donaldson, and Principal Victoria
Mr. Donaldson: We are here today to congratulate a brave little boy. Tonight, Eric Cartman will go on television and become the spokesman for Tourette's Syndrome. [turns his head to the left] Piiiss out my aaass! [applause rises from the crowd]
Thomas: The spokesman for Tourette's? Oh no... [turns his head to the right] Cock!
Cartman: [Mr. Donaldson adjusts the mic to his height] Thanks, everybody. Suck my balls! [applause rises from the crowd] You've all been so understanding and supportive of my illness. Jizz farmer dick sneeze. And it is because of you... that I have the courage to go on national television tonight. Titty sprinkles. [applause rises from the crowd]
Craig: If I could say "titty sprinkles" on national television I would be sooo happy.
Cartman: And I also just want to say that... I'm making this all up! [startled by his own words, then covers his mouth as the crowd falls silent.] Uh, I... I...'m making this all up to you, for putting up with my mental disorder. I cry at night because I don't have a dad. [turns away from the mic and mumbles] What the hell is going on?
Mr. Mackey: Uhit's okay, Eric. We understand your illness, m'kay?
Cartman: No hey ut what, what I meant to say was "asslicker cumballs." And uhh, [helplessly] I'm secretly in love with Patty Nelson. I fantasize about kissing Patty Nelson! [covers his mouth]
Patty: Eewwww!
Cartman: [clambors offstage] Uhuh, excuse me I, I need a toilet! Bathroom! Bathroom! [runs through the crowd]
Scene Description: The mens room. Cartman runs in and heads for the sink. Butters is pissing at the urinal and his pants are at his ankles. Cartman washes his face.
Butters: [does a double take and smiles] Uh hey Eric!
Cartman: [finishes up and looks at Butters] Butters, do you think it's possible that you can lose the ability to filter what you say? I mean, if somebody got used to saying whatever came to their mind, could they start saying things that they would normally never say?
Butters: Wuh who are you talking about?
Cartman: Uh, my cousin. My cousin one time my cousin and I touched wieners. [he covers his mouth in horror as Butters is stunned] Wah! [faces Butters]
Butters: You... you and your cousin touched wieners?
Cartman: I didn't say that YES I DID BUT WHY? Oh! Stop it! [runs out of the restroom]
Scene Description: The dining area. Cartman runs through the crowd
Cartman: Excuse me! Excuse me, I need to go! I gotta run!
Liane: Is there a problem, sweetie?
Cartman: [turns around and faces her] No, no problem. I just need to- my cousin and I touched each other's [struggles to keep control] AAAA no, NAAAA! [he's got the crowd's attention] I just... no I... I just want to thank everyone for coming- my cousin and I touched wiener- we wiener we, weenter! Winter is a cold time of year. [now composed] Ah, I need to be going now.
Mr. Mackey: Well all right Eric. Well good luck on Dateline tonight.
Cartman: [apprehensive] Dateline. Right. [backs away but can't control his statements] I wet my b-AAA! I touched my cousin's WEE-NUH! This sure has been fun! G'bye! [runs out the door screaming with his hands firmly over his mouth]
Scene Description: KSPC Channel 4, an HBC affiliate, day. In his own office, Hansen rehearses his lines as the staff listens. A cameraman preps his camera
Hansen: Tonight, an inside look at Tourette's Syndrooome. I'm Chris Hansen. Mmh. I'm Chris Hansen.
Cartman: [rushes onto the set] Ah, Mr. Hansen? I'm afraid I can't do the show.
Hansen: Why not?
Cartman: My uh, my grandma just died, so I have to go to Memphis- That's not true. My grandma's fine.
Hansen: [rolls up his notes and motions Cartman to a stool] Why don't you have a seat?
Cartman: No I just need to get home. I'm not doin' the show.
Hansen: Go ahead and take a seat.
Cartman: [heads for the door] But I'm not gonna do the-
Hansen: Take a seat, right over there. [Cartman backs up and sits on the stool, then puts his cap on the bar] What are you doing here?
Cartman: I'm, I'm telling you that I'm not doing the show?
Hansen: But you are doing the show.
Cartman: You don't understand! All of a sudden, I can't control what I say.
Hansen: Well of course you can't control what you say. You have Tourehhtte's.
Cartman: No! My Tourette's has gotten worse! Before I just blurted out cool stuff about Jews being lame and stuff. But now it's gotten really bad. [gets his cap and puts it on] So ah I'm sorry, but I'm not doin' the show, that's it. Goodbye. [hops off the stool and walks away]
Hansen: Why don't you take a seat?
Cartman: Oh, I don't wanna take a seat!
Hansen: Have a seat.
Cartman: [begins backing up] No, I'm just gonna go- [wonders how this is happening]
Hansen: Take a seat, right over there.
Cartman: [gets back on the stool and whispers to himself] How does he do that?
Hansen: You know, one tiiime, I was doin' a show called "To Catch A Predator". We almost caught this pedophile, but then he raaan from us 'cause he didn't wanna be on Dateline. Se we tracked him down to his hoouuse. And you know what he did? He shot himself. [Cartman is scared] It'd be a shame if... you didn't wanna go on Dateline. Be a shame if we had to track you down and you "shot yourself". [Cartman is more scared, and a series of expressions cross his face]
Scene Description: The program begins: "Dateline \living with tourette's syndrome."
Announcer: Live, from our satellite studio in Colorado. This! ...is Dateline.
Hansen: Tonight, an inside look at Tourette's Syndrome. I'm [stretches his name out so it sounds like nails on a chalkboard] Chris Hansen. In a few minutes, you will meet little Eric Cartman, who wants the world to understand his affliction.
Scene Description: The green room. Cartman paces back and forth. Someone knocks on the door
A Page: Five minutes, kid.
Cartman: Jesus Christ. How did I get myself into this? [walks to a nearby table and begins to pray] God? Please uh, I know I screwed up. I should have never pretended to have Tourette's Syndrome, but see, ah I get it now. You can't just walk around saying whatever you want. You gave us a filter because, people don't wanna hear things like "I touched penises with my cousin!" [covers his mouth quickly] Ahaab, ahaabuh. And, and I learned, you especially can't say whatever you want on national television, 'cause, there could be kids watching. Please, God, don't make me embarrass myself on national television. You... must see how this is all somewhat your fault, right? Please, I need a miracle.
Scene Description: KSPC Channel 4, outside, night, moments after the program began. Kyle jumps into view wearing dark camouflage and a headset at the parking lot entrance
Kyle: Tango, this is Foxtrot. Are you in position?
Thomas: [using a walkie talkie] Copy Foxtrot. Tango in position. Awww shit!
Kyle: You sure you don't wanna back out?
Thomas: Nono, you were right. The fat kid is faking it! If he goes on TV, more people will think that having Tourette's is fun. Asshole shit!
Kyle: All right, then we go with the plan. Just like "To Catch A Predator". [a light brown car pulls in] The first guy is here. This is probably HotForBoys219. [the car stops and Thomas looks around]
HotForBoys219: [walks up to Thomas] Hi, are you CuteBilly182?
Thomas: Yeah. I was chatting with you online. SHIT!
HotForBoys219: [shaking with excitement] Oh God, I'm so turned on right now. This is your house? Your, your parents aren't home, are they?
Thomas: N-no, it's cool. Go on inside. I made brownies. SHIT! I'm just gonna slip into something more comf'table. COCK!
HotForBoys219: [dances by] Okay. Cock! Don't take too long. [laughs and prances into the studio]
Scene Description: The studio set. The opening segment is finished.
Hansen: So now let's meet a child who haaas Tourette's Syndrooome, and who must fi- [the audience doors open and HotForBoys219 prances down the aisle laughing]
HotForBoys219: Ho, whoa, wait a minute. This ain't no house.
Hansen: [stands up angrily] What are you doing?!
HotForBoys219: [gasps and hides his face] Chris Hansen?! Oh no, it's a setup! I knew it!
Hansen: Sir, why don't you take a seat, right over there.
HotForBoys219: Now everyone's gonna know I'm a perv! Whoa! [takes out a gun and shoots himself in the head. Nearby audience members move away, and the audience gets restless]
Hansen: Aw, not again.
Scene Description: The green room. Cartman paces back and forth. The door opens and Kyle walks in
Cartman: Kyle?
Kyle: Surprise, fatass!
Cartman: Kyle, what are you doing?
Kyle: I went online posing as a boy who would have sex with older men, and told them to meet me here. My plan worked perfectly! [car horns blare outside, and Kyle goes to take a look. The parking lot quickly fills up as drivers park and leave their cars.] Whoa.
Scene Description: Outside. Thomas sees the pedophiles coming and motions them into the studio
Pedo 2: [walks up to Thomas and waves a Wendy's bag in front of him] Hey, I brought you some Wendy's.
Thomas: Yeah yeah, go on in. There's a hot tub inside. STUPID SHIT!
Pedo 2: Score! [goes inside]
Scene Description: The studio set. The driver stops in his tracks
Pedo 2: Oh no, it's Chris Hansen! [drops his meal and shoots himself]
Audience Members: Whoa! Who is that? What's going on?
Hansen: What the hell is going on?!
Pedo 3: Wait a minute. Oh God, it's Chris Hansen! [shoots himself]
Pedo 4: Chris Hansen! [shoots himself]
Pedo 5: Dateline?! [shoots himself]
Pedo 6: I knew it! [shoots himself]
Pedo 7: There aren't really brownies! [shoots himself. More pedophiles enter and kill themselves, and the audience begins rushing out of the studio]
Scene Description: Outside. Chris Hansen finds Thomas.
Hansen: Hey! Do you have something to do with this? Answer meee!
Thomas: Stupid shit! Cock! [more audience members rush by]
Hansen: What?! Nobody talks to me like that! Why don't you take a seat? Take a seat, right over there.
Thomas: Suck it! Asshole licker dickfart!
Hansen: Why, you lil- I'll, I'll tell on you! [leaves, and there are no other adults left]
Craig: [walks up to Thomas] Wow, you're the coolest kid in the world. If I could call Chris Hansen an asshole-licking dickfart to his face, I would be sooo happy.
Thomas: You would?
Craig: Could I just like, hang out with you sometime? Like, do your laundry maybe?
Scene Description: The studio set. It's dim, and Cartman and Kyle walk onto the set.
Kyle: [feeling triumphant] Take a look, fatass! I beat you! You aren't going on Dateline; what have you got to say now?! [Cartman is silent for a moment, then hugs Kyle and sobs. Kyle wasn't expecting this]
Cartman: Oh thank you! Thank you Kyle!
Kyle: What?
Cartman: I asked God to send someone to help me, and you came, Kyle! I love you man!
Kyle: No, I- I beat you!
Cartman: You totally saved my ass, Kyle. You must... really care about me. See you Kyle! I gotta get to a psychiatrist and learn to control what I say! [heads up the aisle and out of the studio] I got a golden ticket! Thanks to Kyle! I got a golden twinkle in my eye! [Kyle is alone on set, but Thomas comes up and stands next to him]
Thomas, Kyle: Aww shit!


Scene Description: Hell's Pass hospital, a patient's room. Randy is sitting on a bed as Dr. Doctor checks his vitals. Randy lets out a sigh of pain.
Dr. Doctor: Well, there's no doubt in my mind, Mr. Marsh. You are constipated. [walks over to a table]
Randy: [quite aware] Thanks for the news flash! I haven't taken a crap in over three weeks! The question is why?!
Dr. Doctor: Well, what food have you been eating?
Randy: P.F. Chang's, mostly. [rubs his belly] Good stuff.
Dr. Doctor: I'm going to prescribe a laxative. [writes out the prescription and turns around] But I must warn you: when you do finally pass this stool, it might be very painful.
Randy: How painful is "painful"?
Scene Description: The Marsh house, night. Randy is in the bathroom trying to crap. He strains and groans for a good long while.
Scene Description: an Emmy Award statue floats up into view, and a banner saying "EMMY AWARD WINNING SERIES" shimmers after.
Randy: Oh God. Oh, here it comes. [he goes for the final push, which has him pushing himself off the toilet seat by his hands several times. A few seconds later, the banner and award disappear] Whoa, hot! Hot hot! Whoaaa hot hot hot hot hot! [a view from the street. Randy's moans can be heard as he can be seen moving about] Whoa, whoaaa! Whoa hot! Hot hot hothothothot hot hot! [back in the bathroom. The stool finally comes out] Dohhhhhhhhhh! Oooh! Oohoo. [begins to sob from relief] Ohhh, it's over. It's over. [reaches for the toilet paper to wipe his ass clean] Oh God. [puts his briefs and pants back up in place] I feel so much better. Oh. [a view from within the toilet: Randy turns around to flush, but stops, looks down, and crouches down for a better look] Wow... That... is huge. That has got to be the biggest crap I've ever taken. He-... Hey Sharon. Sharon you gotta come see this. Sha-Sharon?
Sharon: [opens the door and enters] What is it, Randy? Do you have any- [looks in the toilet] OH! [squeezes her eyes closed and covers them with her right arm] Randy!
Randy: Will you look at that? Is that the biggest crap you've ever seen or what?
Sharon: [a view from behind the toilet] Flush the toilet for Christ's sake!
Randy: Come on! That's pretty impressive! [Stan wanders in from the hall, and Randy calls him] Wha-hey Stan! Stan, look at this. [Stan walks closer to the toilet]
Sharon: Randy!
Randy: [on bended knee next to Stan] Look what your old man made.
Stan: No way!
Randy: Huh? Never seen one that big, have you?
Stan: No, never. [Shelly wanders in and looks in the toilet]
Shelly: Gross, Dad, sick! [turns around quick and leaves]
Sharon: All right, will you flush the toilet now?! [crosses her arms]
Randy: [rises and leans over to flush the toilet. Stan steps out of he way] I'll try, but I don't think- [stand straight again] wait wait wait wait a minute. I gotta call Jimbo first.
Sharon: Why?!
Randy: Well he's gotta see this.
Sharon: No, we are flushing the toilet right now-
Randy: [turns around and blocks any access to the toilet] No! Jimbo has to see it so when I tell the guys how big it was, they'll know I'm not lying!
Sharon: Oh, for the love of God, Randy! [turns left and leaves]
Randy: Sharon, this is important! Stan, go call your Uncle Jimbo. I'm gonna stand guard. [spreads his left and hunches down in a defensive position]
Scene Description: Skeeter's Bar and Cocktails, night. It's open and the sound of men laughing is heard. Inside, the town's men are gathered for Happy Hour. Randy enters the bar
Randy: Hey guys!
Gerald: Hey Randy.
Stephen: Oh, hey Randy.
Stuart: Are you feelin' better?
Randy: Yeah, I-naw, I'm totally fine now.
Jimbo: You guys shoulda seen the crap Randy took last night! It was honestly, the biggest crap anyone has ever taken. Ever.
Randy: [being modest] Well I don't know about ever...
Randy: I'm tellin' you this thing was the size of a freakin' football.
Randy: [being modest] I guess it was pretty big.
Stuart: A football? That's amazing.
Stephen: I've never heard of one that big.
Gerald: [chuckles] Oh, my brother took a crap once, that was enormous. It was the biggest in the history of the world, I think. [laughs. The other guys laugh, but Randy shuts up and looks around]
Randy: [softly] It wasn't bigger than mine was.
Gerald: Oh no, seriously, this crap was a monster! [laughs. The other guys join in]
Randy: [softly] Mine... mine was bigger.
Gerald: I doubt it. [snicker]
Randy: [looks around] You wanna see it?
Scene Description: Randy's study, later. Randy leads the other men in towards a covered display case. Present are Jimbo, Gerald, Skeeter, Stephen and Stuart. Randy takes off the wraps and steps back so the other guys could behold the greatness that is Randy's crap.
Stuart: Oh my freaking Lord.
Skeeter: That did not seriously come out of your ass.
Randy: Oh yes, it did. Go ahead and check it for splits. It's one solid piece.
Gerald: Jesus...
Randy: [feeling vindicated] That uh, a little bigger than your brother's there, Gerald?
Gerald: It's... other-worldly.
Stephen: Randy, have you called the people from the Guinness Book of World Records? I mean, this might seriously be the biggest crap in history!
Randy: [gets out a spray can of water] That's why I gotta make sure to keep it safe. [spritzes the poop so it doesn't dry up and crack apart under the two lights it's under]
Sharon: [at the doorway] Randy Marsh!
Randy: [quickly hides everything under the wraps] Aw crap!
Sharon: What the hell do you think you're doing keeping that thing in our house?!
Randy: The guys agree, Sharon: it could be a record holder.
Sharon: Why are men so obsessed with how big their crap is?!
Scene Description: Guinness Book of World Records, corporate office, day. In the secretary pool, a secretary picks up a phone
Secretary: Guinness World Records America. How can I help you? [listens while typing with the right hand, then stops altogether] The biggest crap? We actually don't keep track of that record, sir. [listens] Because we don't want to. [listens] Look, we get calls from men all the time who believe they took the biggest crap, and we simply can't handle all the measuring and verification. [listens] You need to call the European Fecal Standards and Measurements Office in Zurich. [listens] You're welcome. [hangs up and resumes typing] Jeez, another one. [the phone rings again and she picks up] Guinness World Records America.
Randy: [gets through. The other guys stand by the sofa] Uhh yes, hello. My name is Randy Marsh, and I believe I took the world's biggest crap. [holds a thumbs up. The other guys do as well]
Secretary: [long sigh, then flatly] You need to call the European Fecal Standards and Measurements Office in Zurich. Their number is listed on their Web site.
Scene Description: European Fecal Standards and Measurements Office, Zurich, day. Majestic music plays. Inside, a woman and several men in judge's robes walk around chatting with other officials
Chubby Official: [hands a manila envelope to a balding gray-haired man] Herr President, take a look at this. [the president opens the envelope and looks at a picture within it] It is a crap sent to us from the United States.
EFSM President: Very niiice. [it's a picture of Randy measuring the crap with a measuring tape and grinning at the camera] Has it been checked for accuracy?
Chubby Official: It appears to be legitimate, based on the photo. We estimate that the crap is over eight and a half Courics!
EFSM President: [serious] We'd better get on a plane. Right away. [smiles]
Scene Description: Randy's study, some days later. Three representatives of the EFSM Office are inside inspecting the crap as Randy watches on, and sniffing from time to time.
EFSM President: Hm, enshnusen?
Chubby Official: Verron snusunarich.
EFSM President: What was your primary diet for this poo, Mr. Marsh?
Randy: Uhh, mostly P.F. Chang's. General Tso's Chicken... Oh and uh, and a lot of uh Aunt Jemima's Frozen Sausage Biscuits in the morning.
Chubby Official: I believe I detect some cabbage as well?
Randy: Ohh yes, I had a lot of kim chee.
Sharon: [at the doorway] You have got to be kidding me.
Randy: [turns around and marches towards her] These guys are from Zurich, Sharon! They're Europeans! [the EFSM President joins Randy]
EFSM President: It is a tremendous crap, Mr. Marsh.
Sharon: For the love of God!
EFSM President: Your crap officially weighs... 8.6 Courics
Randy: Courics...
Chubby Official: The standard measuring unit for human feces. One Katie Couric is approximately two and a half pounds of excrement.
EFSM President: The current record is a crap weighing 7.5 Courics.
Randy: But that means...
Third Official: That's right. You are the new world's champion!
Randy: Really?! Yuh, you mean, REALLY?! [jumps for joy] Hey Stan! I uh- Hey Sharon! Hey everybody! [walks off]
EFSM President: Well, I guess we'd better call the old champion and let him know his record has just been broken.
Scene Description: An awards ceremony.
M. C.: He has won twenty-two Grammy's, countless humanitarian awards, and is the only person ever to be nominated for an Academy Award, a Golden Globe, and the Nobel Peace Prize. Ladies and gentlemen, Bono! [fanfare goes up amid applause. Bono rises from his seat on stage and struts over to the mic. He grabs the award from the M.C., kisses his left index and middle fingers, and throws the kiss off to the audience]
Bono: [wearing a fancy straw cowboy hat] Thank you. Thank you so much for this newest award; it means so much. [a phone rings and he looks around] Oh. Excuse me. I must be getting another award. [reaches into his pocket and pulls out a cell phone. He answers it] Yes?
EFSM President: Yes, Bono, sir, we wish to inform you that your record for biggest crap has just been broken.
Bono: What?! That's impossible! How big was it?
Scene Description: The White House, day. An elaborate stage with three massive LCD screens is set up. "Stars and Stripes Forever" plays
Senator: We are here to honor the first American to bring home the distinguished EFSM medal for biggest crap ever taken. [applause. The Marshes are present. Randy is decked out in garlands. Sharon looks quite embarrassed. Jimbo, Gerald, Stephen, Stuart, and Skeeter are behind them]
Randy: Hey look, Sharon, it's the President! He-hey Sharon!
Senator: To present the award I give you the dean of the EFSM, Sir Orloff Broloff. [makes way for the dean, who is also the president]
Broloff: Thank you, Senator. For over a hundred years, the European Fecal Standards and Meas-
Chubby Official: Herr Broloff! Herr Broloff! [whispers into his ear]
Broloff: Das shpoitenhoff? [to the crowd] Ahhh ladies and gentlemen, I understand we have just received a special video-taped announcement from Bono!
People in Crowd: Oh! Bono? Cool!
Broloff: Could we play the tape on the big screen, please?
Scene Description: The tape. Bono appears onscreen without his hat.
Bono: Hello everyone! I, am Bono. ["BONO" flashes on the screen a few times, then a short montage with real life photos of Bono performing and holding his awards follows]. "Hello, hello, helloooo. Yeah yeah yeah yeah." ["BONO" flashes on the screen a few times more, then he speaks] For years it has been my honor to try and bring focus to the needs in Africa, and today, I have very exciting news. Last night, at twenty past eight, I took a crap weighing nine and a half Courics.
Crowd: Whoa!
Sharon: [lifts her head up] Bono?! [a black and white photo of Bono laying on his stomach while looking into the camera with his hands directing the viewers to the giant crap. The monster appears next to a Grammy award for comparison - the Grammy looks like a toy]
Bono: As you can see, it is one solid piece. [another black and white shot of him adoring his massive crap on a cushion flanked by two Grammys] It is my biggest crap to date, and I swear to its authenticity. Thank you, and God bless. [an exiting montage follows with the text "BONO" flashing on the screen.] Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
Broloff: You heard it, ladies and gentlemen! The official biggest crap is... 9.5 Courics! Congratulations to Bono! [fanfare goes up amid applause]
Man: Bo-no! Woo-ooo!
Scene Description: The Marsh house, day. Randy sits on the edge of the back porch crying. Stan comes out to check on him
Stan: Dad, um, I think dinner's almost ready.
Randy: [from the heart] I almost did it. I almost made something of myself. You know, when you get real close, you start thinking that maybe your life is gonna matter. [sobs some more] I mean, this was something I made! Something that came from me! That was a part of me! The only thing I ever made that was any good!
Stan: Gee, thanks a lot, Dad.
Randy: [instinctively replies] You're welcome. [continues] And I just,.. I know that this late in my life I'll never come so close to finally having ...meaning.
Sharon: Come on guys, lasagna's ready.
Randy: [angrily] Oh. Lasagna's ready. [turns around] You hear that, Stan? Mom says lasagna... is ready! I can see through your sarcasm, Sharon!
Sharon: What are you talking about?
Randy: [walks up to her] You can say it, Sharon! I know Bono's better than me! I'm sorry I'm not Bono, all right?! Sorry that I don't have... billions of dollars and a Nobel prize nomination!
Sharon: Randy, this is ridiculous!
Randy: [offended] Oh, that's real mature, Sharon! Just act like everything's funny! It's a big joke to you, isn't it?! Just a big joke! [Sharon avoids eye contact] Don't touch me! [pulls away a bit, then goes back inside the house]
Sharon: [to Stan] Can you believe him?! All this over what guy took the biggest crap!
Stan: You don't understand, Mom. You just don't understand. [turns around and walks in]
Sharon: Wha? Wha?
Scene Description: Skeeter's Bar and Cocktails, night. The men are gathered there again for Happy Hour, but they're all depressed.
Jimbo: How come they just let that Bono guy send a picture of his crap?
Stuart: 'Cause he's Bono, that's why.
Stephen: But he could have faked it. It isn't fair!
Randy: Doesn't matter. He's got the record now; there's nothing I can do.
Gerald: [slams his fist on the counter] Oh yes there is! You could do it again!
Randy: [incredulous] What?
Gerald: Think about it: you weren't even trying to take the biggest crap last time. Imagine if you actually worked at it!
Stephen: [getting enthusiastic] Hey. Hey that's right.
Randy: Nooo. I can't go through all that again. It's too much.
Skeeter: Come on, Randy. I'll bet you can crap that big again easy!
Stuart: With the right diet and training, who knows what you're capable of?
Randy: [rises and heads for the door] Guys, forget it! It's over! It was a fluke crap; I'll never take one that big again!
Stephen: Is it over, Randy?! We all saw that crap you took! That was no fluke! There's something inside you that made you able to do it! Randy, you have a gift. Now who knows why God chose you, but he did! And if you walk away now, you'll always... wonder... how big a crap you could have taken!
Randy: [with some resignation] I would need a lot of help.
Gerald: That's what we're here for.
Jimbo: Come on, Randy, what do you say?!
Randy: I say... [turns around] Let's give Bono a run for his money! [the other men are glad to hear this, so they mob him and talk about it] Yeah!! [shakes his head like a lion] YYEEAAHHHH!
Scene Description: CNN Headline News.
Anchorman: Tonight, a possible attack on Iran may mean the beginning of a new war in the Middle East.
Sharon: Oh no.
Anchorman: But first, the record for the world's biggest crap: will it again be broken?
Sharon: [disgusted and annoyed] Agh!
Anchorman: Randy Marsh of Colorado is now three weeks into his quest to make a new crap, spending nearly every waking hour at P.F. Chang's. [a shot of Randy feasting away on noodles, shrimp, crab legs, etc.].
Female Anchor: Is this really newsworthy?
Anchorman: You just don't understand.
Female Anchor: You're right. I don't.
Anchorman: [the camera zooms in on him] At the same time, some people are questioning Bono's current record entry, saying nobody has ever seen it in person. Bono could not be reached for comment, as he is currently in Africa helping the needy.
Scene Description: An African sunset. Bono dances down a dirt street in a slum, singing "Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah..." His phone rings and he answers it.
Bono: Hello, hello.
Broloff: Marsh is attempting to break the record again. We thought you should know.
Bono: He can't beat my nine and a half Courics!
Broloff: Well he's going to try.
Bono: Fine, but he has to take the crap in front of you! In Zurich.
Broloff: Bono, we've never had that rule before.
Bono: I's the only way you can know 'e's not cheating! If he doesn't crap in Zurich, it shouldn't count!
Scene Description: Back at Hell's Pass Hospital. Randy is looking quite bloated now, almost... pregnant.
Assistant: Ultrasound is very simple, Mr. Marsh. We're going to use harmless waves to look inside your belly. Just gonna put some warm gel on your stomach first. [does this and lets it spread]
Randy: Oooooo.
Assistant: Okay, take a deep breath. [Randy takes the breath and the assistant puts the camera on the belly, then turns to the monitor to his right] I see the crap now. I can't say for sure, but I, I'd say is about... 14 Courics. [Skeeter, Stephen, Stuart, Gerald and Jimbo are now shown in the room with smiles on their faces. Jimbo is sitting on a chair near the bed holding Randy's hand.]
Jimbo: Fourteen?! [grins]
Stephen: That's great, Randy!
Randy: Can I, can I see it?
Assistant: Sure. [swivels the monitor towards Randy] This is your colon, a-and here... [softly, warmly] is the feces growing inside your belly. [a musicbox begins to play as Randy marvels at his poop]
Randy: Ahhh...
Scene Description: an Emmy Award statue floats up into view, and a banner saying "EMMY AWARD WINNING SERIES" shimmers after.
Gerald: [rushes into the room] Guys, we have a problem! [the Emmy and banner disappear] I talked to the EFSM and they say Randy has to take the crap in Zurich.
Randy: In Zurich?
Gerald: They say that Bono is demanding it and that their hands are tied.
Assistant: I'm sorry Mr. Marsh, I I cannot condone you traveling on an airplane in your condition. It is never safe to fly during your turd trimester.
Scene Description: Bono's mansion, big enough to be a hotel. Stan is at the front doors, ringing the bell. A butler opens the doors.
Stan: Hi, could I speak with Mr. Bono, please?
Butler: Mr. Bono, you have a young gentleman caller! [two doors fly open and Bono dances out of a ballroom]
Bono: Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! [stops in front of a mirror] Get the jet ready, Bovis! I've got to be going. [puts on his hat]
Stan: Hi, my name is Stan Marsh. My dad's trying to beat your record for biggest crap.
Bono: Oh right. He can't make it to Zurich, right?
Stan: That's kind of what I'm here for: Do you really need the biggest crap record? Could you maybe see your way to just... letting my dad have this one?
Bono: [turns around to face Stan] Let him have it? Why would I do that?!
Stan: Look, you you gotta understand, sir. My dad's never won an award for anything. Ever. He doesn't have one single trophy. I mean, even I have a second-place trophy for most Sports Illustrated subscriptions sold.
Bono: [walks over to his trophy section and whips out a trophy containing an open magazine.] I have the first-place trophy for that.
Stan: [a bit shocked] Dude, don't you have enough? I mean, you got tons of money, a jet, and the biggest rock band in the world, a hot wife, and, you've been knighted. I mean, at some point, can't you just kind of... fuck off?
Bono: [puts the trophy down and goes back to the mirror] I want people to know that I'm worth something. That I matter.
Stan: All I'm asking is that maybe with this one thing, let my dad be number 1. A-and you can still be number 2.
Bono: [insulted] Number two?! NUMBER TWO?! [he turns around and charges towards Stan, grabbing him. He then throws Stan up against a gold record on the wall and holds him there]
Stan: Agh!
Bono: Nobody calls me that anymore and gets away with it! Take it back! TAKE IT BACK!
Stan: I take it back!
Bono: Say I'm not number two!
Stan: You're not number two!
Bono: That's right! I'm not! [releases him and dances back to the ballroom, singing away.] Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! [The butler returns]
Stan: What is wrong with that guy?
Butler: Your father is in grave danger. Come with me! [Stan follows him out]
Scene Description: EFSM Office, Zurich, day. In the main lobby, Randy is on a toilet made for this occasion, pushing hard to get that poop out, but it's taking a while... He takes several quick breaths to try again... He pushes hard again. Bono is present for the delivery.
Chubby Official: It must be quite a crap.
Jimbo: Come on, Randy. You have to push! [Randy takes several more quick breaths and pushes...]
Scene Description: The German Autobahn. Bono's butler zooms down the road with Stan riding along
Stan: What are you saying?! How do you know my dad is gonna die?!
Butler: Because nobody has ever taken a crap that big before!
Stan: So Bono's newest record is a lie!
Butler: Look, I first knew something was wrong when I looked at Bono's first award for biggest crap. It said he took it in 1960.
Stan: So?
Butler: So that's the year Bono was born. Then it all made sense to me. How could Bono be so talented, so caring, and yet seem like such a piece of crap? Because he is crap. Don't you get it? Bono is not the record holder...
Stan: He's the record.
Butler: [whispers] Yes.
Scene Description: EFSM Office, Zurich. Randy has yet to squeeze it out.
Randy: [in frustration] I can't do it! I can't do it!
Assistant: The crap is simply too big, Mr. Marsh. We must perform a Caesarean!
Randy: But then, does it still count?
Bono: Oh no! The biggest crap means you crapped it out!
Broloff: I believe that's true. We are sorry, Mr. Marsh, but, if you cannot crap out the crap, it's not really a crap.
Randy: [sobs] No... Nooo...
Jimbo: There there Randy, you... You gave it your best shot.
Randy: I want my wife. Sharon? Sharon? [she walks up to him]
Sharon: [pissed off] What?!
Randy: I'm sorry, Sharon. Sorry that I let you down. Sorry I can't crap like Bono.
Broloff: Well congratulations, Bono, it appears your record is intact.
Bono: I had a feeling it would be.
Stan: [runs in] Wait! Stop! Dad, your old crap counts. Bono never took a second crap to beat yours.
Bono: Get him out of here!
Third Official: What are you talking about, young man?
Stan: Somebody's been keeping it a secret. Bono was never the record holder! He's the record!
Bono: It's not true! Kill the kid! I want him dead!
Broloff: It's too late, Bono. The boy has learned the truth.
Chubby Official: Herr Broloff, what do you know of this?
Broloff: It's true, I'm afraid. You see, until Mr. Marsh came along, I was the record holder for the biggest crap. I took it back in 1960. It was the most amazing crap I'd ever taken.
Bono: Poppa no! Say nothing more!
Broloff: Come to me my... darling precious child. [Bono sobs and walks over to him. Broloff hugs him] After I had broken the record I took the crap home. I was so proud of it that I... decided to keep it, to try and raise it like a child.
Bono: No Poppa... No Poppa...
Broloff: [strokes his hair] There there, my little crap. [props Bono's chin up] Don't cry. [unbuttons his coat, vest, and shirt] Here, do you want the biddy? Hm? [holds his left breast out to Bono] Does Bono want the biddy? [Bono whimpers and begins sucking on the teat] Yes, he likes the biddy doesn't he?
Stan: Dude.
Broloff: I kept the crap in my office, nursed it, fed it biddy. And soon biddy made him strong. Biddy made him grow up! Into one of the most influential figures of our time. [looks down] Easy Bono, that hurts the biddy.
Bono: Biddy. [keeps sucking]
Broloff: My little crap has accomplished many things. But he could never shed the fact that he was really... a number two. So he spent his life trying to be number one, in everything.
Stan: That's why he's able to do so much, try to help so many people, but still seem like such a piece of shit.
Chubby Official: You have blemished this noble society's good name, Herr Broloff.
Broloff: Have I?! [pops Bono off his tit. Bono tries helplessly to return to the tit and suck on it] Look at the crap I took all those years ago! Bono is now almost six feet tall and over 80 Courics in weight! No matter how you look at it he IS still the record!
Randy: Oh God, here it comes! [everyone gathers around him again, even Sharon] Ohhh hot-hot-hot-hot! HOTTT-hot-hot-hot-hot-hot! Hot! Hot! [he poops, and begins to rise and spin as the poop piles on] Ho-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-ot... [finally stops. Beneath him is a pillar of poop almost six feet tall]
Third Official: My God...
Chubby Official: It must be over a hundred Courics!
Stan: Dad, are you all right?
Randy: Yeah, I'm... [looks down at his accomplishment] I'm good! [arms akimbo] Feel a lot better.
Scene Description: an Emmy Award statue floats up into view, and a banner saying "EMMY AWARD WINNING SERIES" shimmers after.
Chubby Official: [approaching] Mr. Marsh, we apologize, and if it's okay with you, we would like to present you... your long overdue trophy. [the banner disappears, but the official reaches out and grabs the Emmy. He walks over and jams it into the pillar of poop. Everyone claps except Stan and Sharon.]