Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Mr. Garrison's classroom. The student stream in and take their seats
Stan: Dude, did you do all your homework last night?
Kyle: Yeah. But there was so much of it. I was up until two in the morning.
Stan: I know!
Mr. Garrison: Okay, children, I hope you all did your homework last night, because we're goin' to talk about pages 42 through 612. First of all, who can tell me what year the Founding Fathers got together? [the class sits silently] Let's see, how about...
Cartman: [praying softly at his desk] Please don't call on me. Please, Jesus, don't let him call on me.
Mr. Garrison: Wendy?
Cartman: Phew!
Wendy: 1776.
Mr. Garrison: Good job, Wendy. And what was that document called?
Cartman: [praying] Oh, please, God, don't let him call on me. Father in heaven, I beg of you-
Mr. Garrison: [points to] Kyle?
Cartman: Oh, thank you Low-ord! Praise Jesus!
Kyle: The Declaration of Independence?
Mr. Garrison: Very good, Kyle. Now, who can tell me what famous person wrote the Declaration of Independence? [Cartman drops low in his seat so as to hide behind Butters, seated in front of him] Let's see. Oh, I know. How about the new student, Timmy? [the camera and the class's eyes move to Timmy, who's grinning]
Timmy: Timmiihh!
Mr. Garrison: No, it wasn't you, Timmy. Try again.
Timmy: Heh-aaaaaah!
Mr. Garrison: Timmy, did you not do your homework?!
Timmy: Erh Timmiihh!!
Stan: Uh, Mr. Garrison, haven't you figured it out? Timmys' retarded.
Mr. Garrison: Don't call people names, Stanley!
Stan: But he is-
Mr. Garrison: Now, Timmy,-
Timmy: Haaaaah.
Mr. Garrison: -You need to work on your study skills!
Timmy: Doo-uhh.
Mr. Garrison: Are you mocking me?! Because if you are, I have no problem sending your butt to the principal's office!
Timmy: G'oh livin' a lie, livin' a lie, Timmawh!
Mr. Garrison: THAT DOES IT!
Scene Description: The principal's office. Principal Victoria and Mr. Mackey talk to Timmy
Principal Victoria: Well, Timmy. I just don't know what to do with you. You're getting very poor marks in school and the teachers are complaining that you aren't paying attention.
Timmy: Heh-aaaaaah!
Mr. Mackey: Uh young man, if you don't wanna be held back a grade, I suggest you start cooperating, m'kay?!
Timmy: Timmiihh!
Principal Victoria: Well, that does it! I'm suspending you, Timmy, until you can learn to respect your elders! [pulls out a suspension form and starts filling it out]
Timmy: Ehhha-a-a-ah.
Mr. Mackey: Huh- hold on just a second there, Principal Victoria. [she stops writing] I think I may know what the problem is. [walks to Timmy and stands behind him, checking him out ]
Timmy: [softly] Timmiihh.
Mr. Mackey: Yes, of course.
Principal Victoria: What??
Mr. Mackey: [Timmy is grinning, enjoying himself] I think maybe Timmy is suffering from something called, "Attention Deficit Disorder," or ADD. It's very common in kids his age.
Principal Victoria: Oh!
Timmy: [turns right and zooms away] Timmiihh!
Principal Victoria: Well, that certainly would explain it.
Mr. Mackey: It should be easy enough to find out. They have tests for that kind of thing now, m'kay?
Timmy: [zooms across the room in the other direction] Oolih oo livin' a lie, Timmehuh!
Scene Description: A clinic. Principal Victoria and Mr. Mackey have taken Timmy there to see a doctor
Clinic Doctor: Alright, this is a very simple test which should determine without a doubt whether or not Timmy has Attention Deficit Disorder.
Principal Victoria: Good.
Mr. Mackey: M'kay.
Timmy: Timmih.
Clinic Doctor: Egh. Now, Timmy, I'm going to read you a book called, "The Great Gatsby," by F. Scott Fitzgerald. At the end of the novel I'll ask you a few questions. Are you ready?
Timmy: Timmih.
Clinic Doctor: [sits] Okay, here we go. [opens the book and clear his throat] "In my younger and more vulnerable years, my father gave me some advice that I've been turning over in my mind ever since" ["since since since since..." The clock reads 2:01, but the hours begin to roll by: 3:24, 5:55, 9:09...] "so we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past." [closes the book. Both Mr. Mackey and Principal Victoria are asleep, his head resting on hers.]
Timmy: Ha-a-a-a-a-h.
Clinic Doctor: Okay now, Timmy. Can you tell me: In Chapter 7, what kind of car did Gatsby drive?
Timmy: [fiddles around some, then turns aside] Timmih!
Clinic Doctor: [rises and slams the book on the floor] Well, that settles it!
Mr. Mackey, Principal Victoria: [sit up] Huh??
Clinic Doctor: This young man definitely has Attention Deficit Disorder!
Mr. Mackey: [rubs his eyes] Oh oh, I nuh-I knew it.
Principal Victoria: What can we do for him, doctor?
Clinic Doctor: Well, ADD is fairly common in kids today. I'm gonna prescribe some Ritalin, and we'll see how that goes for little Timmy.
Timmy: [softly] Timmih.
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, next day. Mr. Garrison's classroom
Mr. Garrison: Hurry up, children, let's take our seats. [Timmy rolls up with a note attached to his head] You'd better have done your homework last night, Timmy. [sees the note] What's this? [peels it off and reads it]
Timmy: Tim-mih.
Mr. Garrison: A note from the principal? "Please excuse Timmy from all questions and all homework, as he has been diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder." [puts the note down] Oh, brother!
Stan: He doesn't have to do homework?
Mr. Garrison: That's just swell, Timmy! Looks like you've outsmarted the principal and the counselor!
Timmy: Timmih.
Mr. Garrison: Very well, I guess you're excused from homework.
Kyle: Hey wait. I think maybe I have Attention Diffunction Disorder.
Cartman: Yeah, me too.
Stan: I've got ADD.
Kenny: (Me too.)
Other classmates: Yeah, I've got it. Me too. Yeah. It's gay.
Scene Description: The clinic, later. The doctor is reading "A Farewell To Arms," by Ernest Hemingway, to the class now
Clinic Doctor: "After a while I went out and left the hospital, and walked back to the hotel in the rain." [sighs and closes the book. Kenny bangs his head against the wall cabinet. Tweek, Kyle, and Bebe sleep where they sit. Cartman is asleep on his back. Token, Stan, Wendy, Clyde, and Kevin are drowsy.] Alright now, in Chapter 12, what kind of bottles did Miss Van Campen talk about? [Kenny bangs head head again] Anybody? [Kenny bangs head head again] Anybody?? My God, these children all have ADD! [scribbles onto his notepad quickly]
All the kids: [sleepily] Hooray.
Cartman: [sleepily] Hoo-ray.
Clinic Doctor: It's Ritalin for all of you! [writes out prescriptions]
Scene Description: A house. Rock music is heard. Next, Skyler and his band are shown practicing. They now have a name: Lords of the Underworld. They play, but don't sing, and thrust their heads down from time to time.
Drummer: Dude, we suck!
Skyler: Hey, that's not the right attitude, Jonesy! The Battle of the Bands is tomorrow night!
Jonesy: Dude, we never win the Battle of the Bands! It's no big deal.
Skyler: [disbelieving] Not a big deal! This year's winner gets to open for Phil Collins at Lalapalooblaza, and that's no big deal?!
Mark: Hey, you guys, you'd better stop fighting.
Skyler: We've just gotta practice more.
Jonesy: Dude, we've been practicing for eight years, Skyler.
Skyler: Hey, am I the leader of this band or not?! Huh, let's do it from the top! [the band starts up again, then pause]
Timmy: [outside] Timmuuhh! [the band riffs] Coodalah Timmuh!
Jonesy: [stops] What was that?
Skyler: Huh-I don't know, man. [picks up the garage door opener and presses the button. The door rises to the sound of an angelic choir and orchestra and reveals the bright light outside. And in that light is Timmy.] Whoaaa!
Mark: Who is that?
Timmy: Timmiihh!
Skyler: You a singer, man?
Timmy: Rrrrr-laurlaurlah Timmehah! [no reaction, but later, the band practices again. Timmy is with them now.] Timmehuh! [the band plays on, then stops] Timmehh.
Jonesy: Dude, that's hot!
Skyler: Yeah!
Scene Description: South Park Pharmacy, day. Carol receives her son's prescription.
Pharmacist: There is your prescription, Ms. McCormick. A hundred dollars' worth of Ritalin.
Carol: And he won't have Attention Deficit Disorder anymore?
Pharmacist: We can only hope so. Next? [the camera pulls back to show a line of kids with their moms. Kenny and his mom leave, and Stan arrives with his mom]
Sharon: Oh, hi, Sheila.
Sheila: Sharon, your son has Attention Deficit Disorder too?
Sharon: Yes. I should have known. It all makes sense now. I could never get Stanley to pay attention when his grandfather told him stories about the '30s.
Sheila: I know what you mean. Kyle gets so hyper, sometimes he runs around and screams like a little eight-year-old.
Kyle: ...I am eight.
Pharmacist: Next, please? [Liane hands him the prescription] What do we have here- ah! The Ritalin!
Liane: Yes.
Cartman: That's right. I got a bad case of ADD. No homework for me.
Liane: Mr. Pharmacist, this Ritalin doesn't have any side effects, does it?
Pharmacist: Oh, no no, your son may experience a small lack of energy, but that's all.
Liane: Alright.
Pharmacist: Oh, and he might start seeing little pink Christina Aguilera monsters, but that's to be expected.
Liane: Oh my.
Scene Description: South Park Battle Of The Bands. A four-member band is onstage. One member is on keyboards, a second is on drums, a third on guitar, and the fourth has the mic. The first and third have flaming hairdos
Band: Look alive, lettin' it feel (so light). Lettin' it feel so light.
People in Audience: Boooo!
Guy in flat top: You suck! [others laugh. The band clears out as the M.C. approaches the mic]
M.C.: Alright, that was "Sisters of Mercy Hold No Pain Against the Dark Lord," with their song, "Silk Blood On The Footsteps Of My Mind (Revisited)"
Singer: We got the best response. We'll be opening for Phil Collins for sure.
M.C.: And now it's time for our final band.
Guy in Audience: Thank God! [others laugh]
M.C.: Give it up for "Timmy and the Lords of the Underworld!" [the curtains part amid a smattering of applause to reveal the Lords of the Underworld and Timmy rolls up to the mic. The audience is stunned]
Skyler: 1 2 3 4 [the Lords launch into their song]
Timmy: Timmih! [a riff] Timmih! Lehmeheuh! [confused looks on people's faces] Timmih!
Man 1: Duhude, that handicapped dude ruhules!
Man 2: Oo-yee-hee-yeh-hah!
Man 3: You guys are terrible! How could you laugh at that poor kid?!
Timmy: Timmih Timmiihh! Timmehuh Timmih Timmiihh!
!The Lords: Lords of the Underworld.
Timmy: Timmih, Timmiih!
The Lords: Darkness fills my heart with pain.
Timmy: Timmih oo livin' a lie! [the four boys arrive]
Stan: Dude, it's Timmy.
Kyle: No way! [Timmy says something incomprehensible]
Man 3: They're ridiculing that singer! ["habah kulaa!"]Come on, let's get outta here! [leaves with three others]
Timmy: Sibilah Sibinlaahh! [keeps babbling]
The Lords: The Lords of the Underworld.
Timmy: Timmih, Timmih Timmitimmi Timmiih!
The Lords: Darkness fills my heart with pain. [the song ends. Someone is carried across the field by the crowd]
Timmy: Timmehahh! Timmeh Timmeh Sibinlah Timmih Sibinlah Timmih. Timmuh Timmuh Timmuh. [one last power chord] Timmeh!
Cartman: That was awesuhome!
Stan: Yeah, Timmy ruhules!
Woman: Boys! You shouldn't laugh at him! He's handicapped!
Stan: But he's funny.
Woman: How would you like to be handicapped?! Do you think that would be funny?! You're making him feel bad!
Timmy: [basking in the applause] Hehaahh!
Kyle: He looks pretty happy to me.
Woman: Oh, you people make me sick! [walks away]
M.C.: Dude, this is a no-brainer. This year's Battle of the Bands winner and the band that gets to open for Phil Collins at Lalapalablala is... TIMMY!
Crowd: [roars in approval] Wooo!
Jonesy: [flexes his arms] We did it, dude!
Skyler: [moves forward] Listen to them. They really love me. [bows] Wooo!!
Crowd: [responds] Wooo!!
Skyler: Yes! I'm a rocker! [he and Jonesy throw their arms up in victory]
Scene Description: PSB presents Charlie Rose
Charlie Rose: Tonight, we analyze the new rock sensation, Timmeo [a clip of it at the Battle of the Bands], the controversial new band that has taken the country by storm. [the crowd cheers and holds up "TIMMY" signs. A woman lifts up her blouse to reveal her bra] Already playing at several large venues this month [the band is shown coming off a plane. Cameras flash at Timmy with the Lords of the Underworld behind him], the band prepares for its biggest gig, Lolapalooblaza, where they will open for Phil Collins. But Phil Collins is not happy.
Phil Collins: [in the middle of a street holding his Oscar] Well, I thinks it's a horrible tragedy, idn't it? I mean, people aren't gonna see Timmy for his musical skills. They're laughin' at 'im, and I think you shouldn't laugh at people with disabilities!
Man: [appears in the background and points at Phil] Hah haha.
Phil Collins: Society has to learn how to be more compassionate! This is gonna stop if I have to stop it myself!
Scene Description: Bus stop, next day. Stan and Kyle await the bus
Kyle: Dude, did you see that stuff Phil Collins was saying about Timmy?
Stan: Yeah, what a dick. Timmy's five times more talented than he is.
Cartman: [arrives with Kenny and speaks mellowly] Hey guys, have you been takin' your Ritalin?
Stan: Huh? No, we're not actually gonna take that stuff.
Cartman: No, dude, you gotta try it. [hands a bottle to Kyle] It makes you feel good.
Kenny: [also mellow] (Good.) [Kyle takes a couple of pills, then tosses the bottle to Stan]
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day, kitchen
Chef: Hello there, children.
Stan, Kyle, Cartman: Hello, Chef.
Kenny: (Hello, Chef.)
Chef: How's it goin'?
Stan, Kyle, Cartman: Very well, thank you.
Kenny: (Very well, thank you.)
Chef: [incredulous] Everything's fine?? Why??
Stan: Because we're on Ritalin.
Chef: What??
Kyle: We all have Attention Deficit Disorder. So we all started taking Ritalin.
Cartman: It really takes the edge off, man. You should try it. [shakes two pills out of his bottle and swallows them]
Chef: So that's why all you children are acting so damned boring!
Kyle: That's correct, Chef.
Chef: Damnit, children, you don't need drugs to make you pay attention in school! In my day, if we didn't pay attention we got a belt to the bottom! Now they're tryin' to cure everything with drugs!
Kyle: Yes, but now we don't have any homework, so we can go see Timmy play downtown at Mile High Stadium
Stan: Oh boy oh boy.
Kenny: (Oh boy.)
Chef: Oh, it makes me sick! Those damned psychologists prescribe all kinds of medicines to you children without even carin' about the side effects.
Stan: But there are no side effects, Chef.
Kyle: No, not at all. [Cartman looks away and a Christina Aguilera monster appears]
Christina Aguilera monster: Rown! [Cartman rubs his eyes, and she's gone]
Cartman: Did you guys see that?
Stan: See what?
Scene Description: MTV News. A satellite revolves around the logo
Announcer: You're watching MTV, the cool, brainwashing, twelve-year-old-and-younger station that hides behind a slick image. We're so cool that we decide what's cool. And now, MTV News, the news that is singlehandedly dumbing down our country. Which is cool. Here's your host, Kurt Loder.
Kurt Loder: [framed by seven monitors showing the following: the MTV logo, The Cure's Robert Smith, a rotating Earth, Ozzy Osbourne, KoRn, Elton John, and Rick James] Why am I still doing this? I've got to be the oldest person in this network by at least 40 years.
Announcer: [the logo takes up the whole screen] Kurt Loder didn't just say that. No way, he did just say it, but just to be cool. That's what makes him cool. You think Kurt Loder is cool. And now, the news that's cool.
Kurt Loder: Well, it's only two weeks until Lalapalalababa, and the headlining band has changed. Now headlining the event is Timmy [a shot of him], the new hit sensation out of Colorado. This news came as a shock to the performer that was going to headline Lalapalabala, Phil Collins.
Phil Collins: [now in South Park with his Oscar] Well, I think the sad question is, "Where are the parents in all this?" I mean, that kid's parents are lettin' him be exploited, and they don't even seem to care.
Kurt Loder: [A limo with police escort pulls up to a house] And so, Phil Collins decided to travel to South Park and personally pay Timmy's parents a visit. [Phil gets out of the limo and goes to the front door]
Phil Collins: [in the living room] Well, I mean, why are you lettin' 'em do this to your son? Don't you see that everyone's just laughin' at him?
Richard: Richarrrrd!
Helen: Helennnn!
Richard: 'Oodleahah.
Kurt Loder: Phil Collins warns that a novelty band that makes fun of the handicapped should not be allowed to play Lalapalablalala, and vows to do everything in his power to stop it. Phil Collins, by the way, divorced his wife via fax and then married a 27-year-old. I'm Kurt Loder, and that's the news.
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day, Mr. Garrison's class. The school bell rings
Mr. Garrison: Okay, children, let's settle down! [the class is seated and attentive] Huhh I mean it; I want quiet! [the class is already quiet] My God, Mr. Hat, these children are so boring on Ritalin. [Clyde rubs his nose] Huh, ah! Alright, children, today we're gonna learn about human reproduction. What do you think about that?! [draws the words out slowly, but the class remains silent] Vaginas, and penises. Butt sex. [no one moves] Well, dammit, Eric, don't you have some smartass thing to say?!
Cartman: [Clyde is a bit shocked] What kind of smartass thing would I say, Mr. Garrison?
Mr. Garrison: [grabs his head a few times] This is driving me crazy!! I can't handle you little bastards being so mellow!!
Kyle: Gee, you seem a little stressed, Mr. Garrison. Why don't you try some Ritalin? [has the bottle out. Mr. Garrison thinks a bit, then goes for the bottle, opens it up, and chugs some pills down]
Cartman: There you go. [smiles, then frowns]
Christina Aguilera monster: [comes out from behind Mr. Garrison's desk] Rowr.
Cartman: Whah!
Scene Description: Mile High Stadium: "Tonight Only. TIMMY!!! Sold Out."
A singer: Thank you, Baltimore! Good night!
Jonesy: [exits the dressing room with the other band members] Alright, let's rock this house! Hello Miami!
Timmy: Timmiihh! [Skyler trails the others, and Phil Collins appears in a hallway intersection next to the dressing room]
Phil Collins: Excuse me, Skyler Morse?
Skyler: [stops and turns] Yeah?
Phil Collins: Nice to meet you. I'm Phil Collins.
Skyler: Oh, yeah. You're opening for us as Lalapalazabla.
Phil Collins: I just wanted to tell you that, well, I think that you're a great guitar player and song writer.
Skyler: Oh, thanks a lot. I appreciate that. Gotta run. [turns and starts walking away]
Phil Collins: It's too bad those other guys are holdin' you back.
Skyler: [stops and looks back] Huh?
Phil Collins: Well, I mean, it's obvious all the talent and artistic vision in the band comes from you. Strange, how everyone focuses n Timmy, idn't it? I mean, even the name of the band is "Timmy,"
Skyler: Nuh-nn, the name of the band is Timmy and the Lords of the Underworld.
Phil Collins: Look, I used to be in a band, too. Genesis. And all those bastards did was hold me back and hold me back. But then, finally, I went solo. And that's when I started writing really great songs. But look, if you happen to be on the sidelines, you know, bein' more of a cheerleader than a player, well, then I guess you should stay on as Timmy's shadow.
Skyler: [dejected, walks away and looks back] Uh, thanks man. See ya.
Phil Collins: That should just about put an end to all this Timmy nonsense. [kisses his Oscar]
Scene Description: Mile High Stadium, later.
Timmy: Timmuh! [the Lords of the Underworld have finished their song]
Jonesy: [leads the others into the dressing room] Another great show, man. There must have been a hundred thousand people out there.
Skyler: [tosses his guitar aside] Yeah. All of them chanting "Timmy, Timmy."
Timmy: [rolls in] Timmih!
Jonesy: What's the matter, Skyler?
Skyler: The name of the band is Timmy AND the Lords of the Underworld, not just Timmy.
Timmy: Timmiihh!
Skyler: And the Lords of the Underworld!
Timmy: Timmiihh!
Skyler: It's always about you, isn't it?! I'm sick of it! Timmy gets all the applause! Timmy gets all the chicks! Well, you know what?! Forget you, man!
Mark: Skyler, Timmy is what made our band famous.
Skyler: [spins around and points] Shut up, Monsy! You can stay and deal with Mr. Egomaniac here, but I'm movin' on! [heads for the door] I don't need Timmy! [grabs Monsy's guitar on the sofa] I'm goin' solo!
Timmy: Timmiihh!
Skyler: [at the door] No! Don't try and stop me, man! [turns to exit] I'll see you on fame's backside. [leaves]
Timmy: Ooo livin' a lie!
Scene Description: Cartman's house, next day. The boys are on the sofa watching Terrance and Phillip. Stan has his Ritalin, Cartman has the remote... and a pan on his laps. He's eating bacon
Phillip: Terrance, what brand of pants am I wearing?
Terrance: [bends to look] Let me see. [Phillip farts on him and they crack up]
Phillip: How do you like that, Terrance?
Stan: Let's watch something else.
Kyle: Yes, let's. [Cartman starts channel-surfing, then stops]
Announcer: You're watching VH1.
The Boys: Ahhhh.
Anchor: Here's Lalapalalala's news. The hit group Timmy has broken up.
Stan: Oh dear. Timmy's band broke up?
Anchor: And so, Phil Collins is back on as the headliner. The opening band now will be Timmy's guitarist Skyler's new solo project, Reach for the Skyler.
Kyle: You know something? I think that's good. It was wrong to make Timmy a singer.
Stan: Yeah. Phil Collins was right. People laughed at Timmy, and Timmy should be at home, where he's protected from laughter.
Cartman: I agree. You know what, you guys? We should go to the concert anyways and see Phil Collins.
Kyle: Yeah. I think Phil Collins rocks the house.
Stan: Sounds good.
Cartman: So it's decided: Phil Collins concert for all of us. [a Christina Aguilera bug is crawling all over Kenny] Hooray. [looks] Oh oh. Hold still, Kenny. [takes his pan and swings it at Kenny. It strikes, and Kenny's face is smashed in. Kenny falls forward, hits the floor, and a puddle of blood forms under him]
Stan: Oh my goodness, you killed Kenny.
Kyle: Bastard.
Scene Description: The Marsh house. Several parents are gathered in the living room. Chef speaks
Chef: Parents, I called you all together because I think you might be making a mistake puttin' your children on Ritalin. [Along with Stan's parents, Kyle's parents, Tweek's parents, Liane Cartman, Craig's parents, and another set of parents are present]
Randy: Uh, but our kids have Attention Deficit Disorder, Chef. They can't pay attention in school without it.
Chef: I know you wanna help your kids, but I brought over a videotape to show you that there are alternative' to Ritalin. There's this doctor in Northern California who is doin' real amazing things with kids who have ADD. I want you to watch this tape. [puts in the tape. The VCR does the rest]
Dr. Shay: Hello, I'm Dr. Richard Shay, here to tell you about my exciting new drug-free treatment for children with Attention Deficit Disorder. [three kids are in a classroom setting, acting up. Dr. Shay enters] This treatment is fast and effective and doesn't use harmful drugs. Watch closely as I apply treatment to the first child.
Girl: [Dr. Shay walks up to her and listens as she rattles off] I want a horse. I want a big brown horse with a brown-and-black tail, and a diamond tiara- [he smacks her behind the ear] Ah!
Dr. Shay: Sit down and study! [she looks at him scared, then picks up a book and opens it, looking at him all the while. He moves on to the boy in the middle desk]
Boy 1: Woohoo, let's go sledding, let's go race and race, let's go! [Dr. Shay smacks him too, making him turn aside. He turns back]
Dr. Shay: Sit down and study!
Boy 1: [looks at him, then starts crying] Wwaaahahahahaaha [Dr. Shay smacks him again. The other boy stops and looks]
Dr. Shay: Stop crying and do your schoolwork! [the boy opens his book. He and the girl start reading. The Dr. moves over to the other boy, and he just cracks open his book and reads. The doctor address the camera] If you would like more information on my bold new treatments, please send away for this free brochure, entitled, "You can either calm down, or I can pop you in the mouth again." Thank you. [Chef turns the tape off]
Chef: Well, what do you think? I can have Dr. Shay come to South Park for a small fee.
Sharon: That video had pretty colors.
Gerald: It sure did.
Chef: What the...? Dammit! Have you all been taking your children's Ritalin too?!
Parents: Yes.
Chef: Awww, fudge it! [throws the remote aside. The boys enter]
Stan: Chef, are you going to the Phil Collins concert tomorrow?
Chef: The what?
Kyle: Phil Collins is playing Lalapalala's, and because we're all doing so well in school now, our parents said they would take us.
Parents: Yes.
Chef: Hold on a second: you children want to go see Phil Collins?
Kyle: Yes. His flowing melodies are really enjoyable to us.
Chef: Oh my God!!
Kyle: Come, see him with us.
Cartman: Yes, come with us. Come with uusss. Haaa, it's Christina Aguilera again! [runs around] She's on my back! Hah! [leaves]
Chef: That does it! That Ritalin has affected your little cracker brains too deeply! I'm going to go see that damn pharmacist!
Scene Description: South Park Pharmacy, after hours. The pharmacist and the clinic doctor are talking, and the doctor counts some money
Pharmacist: Look at that. Ritalin stocks are up ten points.
Clinic Doctor: That's easily another twenty grand apiece! [the pharmacist laughs and Chef arrives]
Chef: [pounds on the door] Hey, open this damn door. [the doctor and pharmacist cover the money and go to the front door.]
Pharmacist: Can I help you?
Chef: Yes you can! What the hell are you two doin' prescribing all the children Ritalin?!
Clinic Doctor: Well, they've all been diagnosed with ADD. That's Attention Deficit-
Chef: I know what it is! But now you've got a town full of zombie children from the planet Zandor.
Clinic Doctor: Huh?
Chef: All around the country, you bastard doctors are giving children Ritalin! And for every one child that actually needs it, you give it to 50,000 that don't!
Clinic Doctor: Hey now, don't tell us our business, Mr. Chef. Why, we-
Chef: You're damn right I'll tell you yo' business, because you two have got your heads up your asses! Thanks to you, we have children in our town that like Phil Collins!
Pharmacist: Eh wuh, what?? [he and the doctor are shocked]
Chef: That's right! You've made them so dull and boring that they're actually going to go to a Phil Collins concert!
Clinic Doctor: Mm- my God. What have we done?? [beings to weep]
Pharmacist: Well, if I had known... Phil Collins, uh, my God! [beings to weep as well]
Chef: Well, how do we reverse the Ritalin?!
Clinic Doctor: We uh... have to convince them not to take it, but, ahah ih it'll be hard to get it away from them.
Chef: Then we need an antidote!
Pharmacist: Yes, of course.
Clinic Doctor: Uh, what's the antidote for Ritalin?
Pharmacist: I have some right here. [takes a bottle from a medicine case] It's a compound called "Ritalout."
Chef: Alright. Come on, we've got to get the antidote to all the children. Quick! [rushes out]
Scene Description: Welcome to LALAPALALAPAZA!! Townsfolk file in. Music is piped in before the concert
Phil Collins: [the crowds clap to the rhythm]Last night I went, "O!"BubudioLast night I went "Bubudio"
Chef: [leads the doctor and pharmacist to a lemonade stand.] Here. We can put the Ritalin antidote in these drinks and hand them out to the children. ["Last night I went 'Bubudio.'" The pharmacist starts placing the Ritalout tablets in the drinks]
Phil Collins: Last night I went, "O!" Bububudio. [takes a bow. People clap a bit]
Randy: Wasn't that great, son?
Stan: Sure was, Dad.
Gerald: It's so wonderful to be on the same wavelength as our kids.
Chef: [arrives with a tray of lemonade] Here you go, Stan and Kyle. Free drinks on me. [Kyle reaches for his drink and takes a sip]
Stan: Oh, thank you, Chef. How nice. [takes a glass. He and Kyle drink at the same time as Chef leaves]
Phil Collins: I know. I'd like to sing the complex and amazing song that won me the Oscar, a song entitled, "You'll Be In... Me." [goes to the piano, sets the Oscar on the piano top and starts playing it] Thanks. You're inside of me. Deep inside of me. [Chef hands drinks to more kids] So deep inside, I can feel you pushing against my heart.
Chef: Come on, drink it down. It's free.
Cartman: You'll be inside of me...
Christina Aguilera monster: [appears on his shoulder] Rowr.
Cartman: Huh? Oh no! Agh! [tries to shake it off as it nibbles on his shoulder] Get off me! Get off me! Somebody help!! Please?? Somebody get it off of me!! Get it off of me.
Stan: I feel... different.
Kyle: Yeah. [the monster munches loudly on Cartman]
Cartman: Get off of me, Christina Aguilera! Alright?! Please! Hegh, hegh[the monster still munches on him as he rolls on the ground]
Chef: [arrives] Drink this, Eric. [pours the lemonade Ritalout into Cartman's mouth, and the Christina Aguilera monster dissolves] God help me! Heh, get it... [turns over on his stomach] She's gone! Thank God!
Phil Collins: [looks at the audience] Well, thanks! [continues playing. The camera focuses on Stan and Kyle...]
Stan: Wait a minute! Phil Collins sucks ass!
Kyle: Yeah! What the hell were we thinking?! Boooooo!
Chef: [returns to the doctor and pharmacist] I think it's working.
Audience: Booooo!!
Phil Collins: [stops the music] Shut your filthy holes, you little bastards!
Stan: Get off the stage, Phil Collins! We want Timmy!
Kyle: Yeah!
Phil Collins: You just wanna laugh at him.
Stan: No! [steps forward] You see, we learned something today. Yeah, sure, we laughed at Timmy, but what's wrong with laughter? Just because we laugh at something doesn't mean we don't care about it. Timmy made us smile, and playing made Timmy smile, so where was the harm in that? The people that are wrong are the ones that think people like Timmy should be "protected" and kept out of the public's eye. The cool thing about Timmy being in a band was that he was in your face, and you had to deal with him, whether you laughed or cried, or felt nothing. That's why Timmy rules!
Kyle: Yeah! Tim-my! Tim-my!
Audience: Tim-my! Tim-my! Tim-my! Tim-my!
Scene Description: A desert near town. Mark and Timmy stand outside, Jonesy sits on the running board
Jonesy: Man, it sucks not being part of Lalapalabala. [The cry begins to reach them: "Tim-my! Tim-my!"]
Mark: Yeah. ["Tim-my! Tim-my!"]
Skyler: [returns to the band] Hey dudes. ["Tim-my! Tim-my!"]
Jonesy: Skyler, what are you doing here?! ["Tim-my! Tim-my!"] Isn't Reach for the Skyler supposed to play soon? ["Tim-my! Tim-my! Tim-my! Tim-my!"]
Skyler: They booed Phil Collins off the stage. Everyone's chanting for Timmy and the Lords of the Underworld. ["Tim-my! Tim-my! Tim-my! Tim-my! Tim-my! Tim-my!"]
Mark: ["Tim-my!"] Oh, so now that they want us, you think you can waltz, um, back into our lives and be in the band again? ["Tim-my! Tim-my! Tim-my! Tim-my! Tim-my! Tim-my! Tim-my!"]
Skyler: I don't expect anything. Timmy, I-gh... Well, I just wanted to say we had some pretty rockin' times, dude, and... maybe I let fame and Phil Collins go to my head... ["Tim-my! Tim-my! Tim-my! Tim-my! Tim-my! Tim-my! Tim-my! Tim-my! Tim-my! Tim-my! Tim-my! Tim-my! Tim-my!"]
Timmy: Timmih! ["Tim-my! Tim-my! Tim-my! Tim-my! Tim-my!"]
Jonesy: [stands] Wow. They really are chanting for us. ["Tim-my! Tim-my! Tim-my! Tim-my!"]
Mark: Hn they want us back. ["Tim-my! Tim-my!"]
Skyler: What do you say, Timmy? ["Tim-my! Tim-my!"]
Timmy: Rrr, rrr, uh, Timmih. ["Tim-my! Tim-my!"]
The Lords: Alright!
Scene Description: The Lalapalalapaza concert.
Host: Ladies and gentlemen, without further ado, it is my pleasure to introduce the reunion tour of Timmehuh!
Timmy: [rolls up to the mic] Timmiihh, and the Lords of the Underworld! [Skyler looks over at Timmy with pride, then starts the band up] Timmiihh! [he's learned to move like the other band members do] Timmih! Livin' a lie-ah! [Stan and Kyle grin. Kyle then waves. Chef, the pharmacist and the doctor sway to the music] Hidilah Timmy! [his parents, Richard and Helen, are there] Timmuh- Timmiihh! Timmehuh Timmih Timmiihh!
The Lords: And the Lords of the Underworld.
Phil Collins: [being moved over the audience] Put me down, you filthy bastards! [he's turned face down, and his Oscar is sticking out of his ass] Awwww!
Timmy: Timmiihh uluh-livin' a lie!
Scene Description: End credits roll, and Timmy and the Lords of the Underworld play on.


Scene Description: The Marsh house, night. Some of the families are gathered there
Randy: Okay, is everyone ready to go?
Sheila: Oh, I'm so excited. I've always wanted to see Cirque du Cheville.
Sharon: Me too. We were lucky to get tickets. [calls out] Come on, boys! We're gonna be late. [the boys, dressed in their Sunday best, walk in with heads down in resentment]
Liane: Oh, don't they look precious?
Stan: Why do we have to dress up? Isn't this just a circus, with elephants and lions and stupid clowns
Sharon: No, Stanley. Cirque du Cheville is French-Canadian. They get acrobats and singers from all over the world and then do very artistic things..
Kyle: Awwww!
Grandpa: [rolls up] Why the hell do you wanna take these boys to see that fufu French theater crap? You're gonna turn them into poofders!
Sharon: Dad, Stanley needs to see the arts!
Grandpa: Well, he doesn't need to see a bunch of frogs prance around in tights and make-up wrappin' their peckers around each other's faces!
Sharon: Come on, everybody, let's go. [the others turn and head out the front door.]
Grandpa: [follows] Close your eyes and cover your ears, Billy! Remember, you're a man.
Scene Description: Cirque du Cheville, night. Folks are streaming in to get seats. Next, under the Big Top
Sheila: Oh, this is so exciting
Sharon: Oh, look at the funny clown, Stanley.
Stan: Where? [a clown appears next to him, and he looks up] Oh, no. [the clown pulls out an umbrella and a bicycle horn, squeezes the horn and gets showered by the umbrella. The adults laugh, and the clown offers him the umbrella] Ha ha, very funny, thank you, goodbye. [the clown insists Stan take part, and the parents laugh at the sound of the horn] No, thank you. [the clown tries again] Go away, please.
Cartman: He doesn't want your dumbass umbrella, clown! Beat it! [Liane smacks him on the back of the head] Ow. [the clown tries once more with Stan. Stan rolls his eyes, takes the umbrella, and is showered by it when the clown presses the horn. The crowd roars with laughter as the clown revels in his cleverness]
Randy: You didn't know that was gonna happen, did you, Stanley? [Stan looks up angrily]
Cartman: [comments] Oh, God, that was soo funny! Oh, man, somebody stop my guts frm bursting out of my sides! [the clown gets mad as Cartman talks, then takes the umbrella from Stan and walks away in a huff]
Announcer: [affecting a French accent] Ladies and gentlemen, please, no smoking and no flash-photography during Sarque du Son Bleu
Cartman: [echoes the announcer] Sarque du Son Bleu. [sticks his tongue out. A performer comes out and starts singing] Oho, we've reached fag factor 5, captain.
Liane: Eric, sshhhh. [the performer is joined by men rolling by in wheels behind him and others prancing by in front. The parents smile in awe]
Kyle: How long does this thing last?
Stan: Two hours.
Cartman, Kyle, Kenny: Awwwgh.
Scene Description: Cirque du Cheville, later. A troupe of twelve dancers leap high and drop down again. The parents are still in thrall, and their eyes follow the dancers' leaps. Cartman is now asleep. Some time elapses, and a singer sings her song. The other three boys are getting sleepy. The smiles are gone from the parents' faces. The singer is shown with a two-person high-wire act overhead. Little "birds" pop out from her dress and dance around. A new act appears, and Stan is looking away feeling bored. Kyle and Kenny seem more awake. An invisible man in a visible suit walks on, and a green man with big ears jumps out of the floor in front of him. The green man and the man shake hands, and the green man rips the man's right arm off. A new act comes on, and Stan, Kyle, and Kenny are really drowsy. The curtains open to reveal five girls, and they come forward to dance
Sharon: Ooo, these are the contorting quintuplets from Romania. [Stan, Kyle, and Kenny are curious. Each of the quints lays on her stomach and puts her feet over her back and on her head.]
Kenny: (Woohoo!) [Stan and Kyle stir, and Kyle nudges Cartman]
Cartman: Wha-what? Another gay guy in feathers? [the quints pile on to make an X, then roll off and reposition themselves into a circle]
Kyle: Whoa. [a few twirls, and the middle one is thrust into the air. The two girls on the outside leap up and land on the other two's heads and catch the middle girl, to form a pentagon. Then they form a large cat, then a yacht,...]
Stan: Damn, dude. [...then the Eiffel Tower, and finally, a Tyrannosaurus Rex. The crowd cheers]
Stan, Kyle, Cartman: Yayy!
Kenny: (Oh yeah! Woohoo!)
Scene Description: Cirque du Cheville, dismissal. The crowd exits the tent
Sheila: Oh, that was wonderful!
Sharon: Yes. Too bad it was their last show, or I'd go see it again.
Kyle: Those contorting Romanian chicks rule.
Cartman: Yeah, especially that second one from the left. She was fine!
Kyle: Cartman, what the hell are you talking about?! They're identical!
Cartman: Not that second one from the left; she had it goin' on! [they pass "LE SOUVENIRS," a booth manned by a clown dressed in yellow.]
Clown: [the boys turn to see him] Don't forget to buy your souvenirs, folks. [the adults gather and clamor for the items on display. As they do, the boys talk]
Stan: Damn, dude, do you see how much money this place is raking in?
Cartman: Yeah. I could prance around in little tights and sing opera too, for that kind of cash.
Kyle: Hey, we should start our own Cirque du Cheville.
Kenny: (Yeah.)
Stan: Yeah. This one's moving out of town, so we could take over. [the boys turn to leave]
Kyle: Let's go practice. [they exit]
Scene Description: Dressing Room #1. "Vladchick Contorting Quintuplets" is written over a star.
Grandmama: Hurry up, girls. We must bundle up against the cold.
A Quint: Did we do good final show, Grandmama?
Grandmama: Very good, my girls. I only wish it weren't your last show. I love this country so very much. [a knock on the dressing room door, and two stern men walk in]
Romanian official: Mrs. Vladchick, it is time. It is time to return to Romania.
Grandmama: Yes, yes, of course. Just give me vone second to finish getting them ready. [the men leave, and she looks to the dressing room window. She walks over, opens the window, turns, and] This way, girls. Quickly. [the girls head for the window. Grandmama lifts them out one by one.]
Quint #2: Vhy are we going out the window, Grandmama?
Grandmama: Your mother did not want you to grow up in Romania. This is our only chance. [drops the girl off outside]
Romanian official: Nid kelmin da bushka.
Attendant: Nid kelmin da lushka velt
Romanian official: Nid kelmin da bushka ayn zolt! [the men laugh, the attendant looks at his watch]
Attendant: M-Mrs. Vladchick? [the men enter and find the open window and no one at all]
Romanian official: Dash fam da bushka!
Scene Description: Cirque du Cheville, outside the main tent. The two Romanian men rush out
Attendant: They're trying to defect! [they rush up to the end of a dock just as Mrs. Vladchick and her granddaughters take off in a dinghy]
Romanian official: [pumping a fist] Cauch! We need a boat. [sees two native men in a canoe, about to leave. He and the attendant walk over to them and gives one of the paddlers some money]
Native paddler in vest: Where to, Mack?
Romanian official: [gets on the canoe] Follow that boat. [the attendant gets on, and the four men paddle away]
Scene Description: The Marsh house, living room. The boys have bought a CD of the show, and Kenny sings to the instrumental of one of the songs. Kenny is wearing the costume the first singer wore. The other three are practicing... um... Stan tries to leap into Kyle's arms, but they end up tumbling on the floor. Cartman runs forth and does some cartwheels, but lands on a coffee table, breaking it to pieces.
Stan: Dude, this isn't working.
Kyle: It's Kenny's singing!
Kenny: (Hunh?)
Cartman: Yeah, Kenny, you have to sing better!
Kenny: (I'm singing as good as I can!)
Stan: Well, it's not good enough, Kenny! You have to get better! Try it again! [Grandpa rolls by and notices the boys in dance poses]
Grandpa: Aha, I knew it. They turned you into poofders.
Scene Description: Stark's Pond. Grandmama and the girls zoom away.
Romanian official: There's nowhere to go, Mrs. Vladchick. Pull over! [the canoe has caught up to the dinghy. Mrs. Vladchick looks back, then looks forward. They are closing in on a dock full of explosives, and she looks on in horror]
Grandmama: Okay girls, the Cam Ay Alta. [the girls pile on Grandmama and form a tower, each female grabbing the head of the one below her. The top girl grabs a branch with a free hand, and all swing up in the air as one. The dinghy goes on with the canoe in pursuit]
Romanian official: [In a high pitched voice] Be careful, Gabul! Be careful, Gabul! Yaaah! [the canoe runs into the dock and they both blow up. Pieces of the four men fall from the air.]
Top girl: Did we do good, Grandmama?
Grandmama: Very good, Glacas.
Scene Description: The 'camera' pulls back to reveal the entire high speed chase took place on Stark's Pond which is about 7 canoe lengths long.
Scene Description: The Marsh house. Snow falls outside. The other boys have gone home
Stan: I'm tired, Grandpa.
Grandpa: No, Billy! You're gonna stay here and watch more MacGyver. We've gotta get all the Frenchy-poo fag-nasties out of ya. [the doorbell rings] Who the hell would be ringin' the doorbell at this time of night?
Stan: I don't know. [walks over and opens the door] Whoa. [before him are the contorting Romanian quintuplets and their Grandmama, all shivering. Randy and Sharon show up in their pajamas]
Grandmama: We are very sorry to disturb you. My granddaughters are cold and tired. Is there any possibility we could pay you for a place to sleep?
Randy: You're from Cirque du Cheville. [Grandpa shows up]
Grandmama: Yes. We- missed our train. If we could shelter here; it would only be for one night.
Randy: Well...
Sharon: Well, of course you can. Come in out of the snow. [the girls grin and enter]
Grandmama: Oh, thank you so much. [walks in]
Sharon: There's some spare bedrooms upstairs, Mrs...?
Grandmama: Vladchick. [Sharon escorts her and the girls upstairs]
Grandpa: That Grandma is not a bad piece of ass.
Randy: Ew, Dad! Not in front of Stanley!
Grandpa: Well, it's good for 'im.
Scene Description: The McCormick house. Kenny is in his room with three books on his bed.
Kenny: [reads "Learning to Sing Better"] (Let's see...No, not there) [tosses the book away and picks up "The Essence of Voicing"] (Let's see. Nothing there) [tosses it away and picks up "Singing like Bocelli for Dummies"] (Let's see...here!) [pulls out a tape and pops it into his tape player]
Narrator: Hello, and welcome to: "Singing like Bocelli for Dummies." Lesson 1: Yaaayayeha!
Kenny: (Yaaayaya.)
Narrator: Lesson 2: Hehyayaya hehyayaya!
Kenny: (Hehyayaya hehyayaya!)
Narrator: Good: And now we'll do the entire piece, "Con te partirò" [music begins to play]
Kenny: [leafs through the book] (Con te partirò?) [leafs some more and find it. A rat crawls onto the bed as Kenny looks at the tape player, looks around and leaves. Kenny immediately improves and begins singing like a Prima Divo, yet still characteristically Kenny-muffled...](...Su navi per mariche, io lo so,no, no, non esistono piщ.con te io li rivivere. Con te...)[...and it becomes background music as the camera pans over to...]
Scene Description: 'Camera' pans from the McCormick house across the railroad tracks to the Marsh house. Kenny's voice is so powerful it can be heard clearly in the Marsh upper bedroom. Grandmama Vladchick is in her nightgown combing her hair. Grandpa Marsh rolls by
Kenny: (...partirò.)
Grandpa: [startles Grandmama] Got everything you need there, do ya?
Kenny: (Su navi per mari)
Grandmama: Yes. You're avefully soo kind to my little granddaughters.
Kenny: (che, io lo so,)
Grandpa: They're quite agile little things, aren't they?
Kenny: (no, no, non esistono più)
Grandmama: Yes, as I was back in my day. I was a contortionist, too.
Kenny: (con te io li rivivere.)
Grandpa: Y'don't say. [strokes his chin]
Grandmama: Yes.
Grandpa: You...
Kenny: (Con te...)
Grandpa: ...remember any of that stuff, do ya? [she looks flattered and intrigued.]
Kenny: (...partirò.Su navi per mariche, io lo so, no, no, non esistono più.)[as Kenny sings, Grandpa returns to Mrs. Vladchick's room naked... and without the wheelchair. She lifts up her left leg over her head, then lets it go. Kenny's getting into the song. The tape speeds up a bit...] (Io con te!)
Grandpa: Ah. [A leg wraps around his chest] Oh. [a second leg wraps around his head] Ah! [an arm appears, then Mrs. Vladchick's head, then a third leg...] Oh. [Kenny is seen on bended knee on his bed during the last note, as Grandmama Vladchick and Grandpa reach climax.] Oh-oooh-oooh!
Scene Description: The McCormick house, Kenny's room. The music stops with a thump and Kenny collapses on his bed exhausted
Narrator: And now lesson 4: the complete works of Mozart. Let's begin.
Kenny: [looks at the radio] (Damn!)
Scene Description: The Marsh house, morning. Randy and Sharon are in the kitchen enjoying some coffee
Sharon: What should we do, Randy? I like these Romanians fine, but I hope that old woman isn't planning on staying here much longer.
Randy: Heh, it's 11 o'clock and she's still sleeping.
Sharon: Poor dear must be tired.
Grandpa: [rolls in] You're damn right she's tired.
Randy: Huh?
Grandpa: Oh, nothin'. She's just gonna have a little trouble walkin' today is all. [rolls out].
Scene Description: The Marsh house, outside. Stan leads the other three boys in the side gate and to the backyard
Stan: Hurry up, you guys!
Cartman: What's going on?
Stan: Dude, you're not gonna believe this.
Kyle: What?! [they all turn, and the quints stand before them]
Quint 1: Hello.
Quint 2: Hello.
Quint 3: Hi.
Quint 4: Hello.
Cartman: No way! The bitches from Cirque du Chebleu!
Stan: Yeah. They're quintuplets from Romania.
Kyle: What's a "quin-tuplet"?
Quint 2: Ve are twins, except there are five of us instead of two.
Kyle: But there's only four of you.
Quint 2: No no, Natalia is just playing mirror buddies with Nadia.
Nadia: [steps out from behind Natalia] Hello.
Kyle: So if you're identical, does that mean you all think alike?
All five quints in unison: No, don't be ridiculous.
Stan: Will you guys be in our Cirque du Celville?
A Quint: You have your own?
Stan: Well, not yet. Kenny has to get better at singing first.
Kenny: (Hey!)
Cartman: But as soon as he starts singing better, we're all gonna make bank!
Quint 1: Okay.
Quint 3: Sounds good.
Quint 2: Count me in.
Quint 5: Okay. [quint 4 says nothing, and the others look at her]
Quint 4: ...Oh, and me.
The boys: All right!
Scene Description: The Marsh house, kitchen
Randy: Alright, we've gotta figure out what to do. I'm gonna go wake her up. [leaves, reaches Grandmama's room, and knocks] Hello? Mrs... Mrs., Old Romanian Woman? [knocks twice more] Ma'am? [opens the door, looks in, and flies are heard buzzing around. Mrs. Vladchick is stiff, mouth open, arms up as if holding someone. Randy shuts the door in horror, then opens it and looks in again to be sure, then shuts it again, horrified]
Grandpa: [rolls up] Well, all tuckered, is she? Ha ha ha ha.
Randy: [serious] No, Dad.
Grandpa: A little cottony in the crotch? Hr hr hr hr.
Randy: No, Dad, she's dead!
Grandpa: What?! [Randy opens the door and looks away, Grandpa rolls in to see for himself] Oh, dear Jesus!
Randy: It looks like she had a heart attack.
Grandpa: No wonder she didn't say good-night.
Randy: [stares at him, then leans away] Ew!
Scene Description: The Marsh house, the backyard
Stan: Okay, hold it, hold it. [climbs over Cartman and Kyle to form a tower. The quintuplets have executed their X formation. Stan is trying to stand when all three boys tumble to the ground. The quints break their formation and drop down]
The boys: Ow! [Randy and Sharon walk out and approach the kids]
Sharon: I don't know how to tell. You tell them. [they stop]
Randy: Uh, girls, we... have some bad news.
Quint 5: What?
Randy: Um... [Sharon holds his hand] Everyone who has a grandma, step forward. [Stan and Cartman step forward, then the girls] Uh, not so fast, girls. [Sharon gasps and glares at him. The girls step back, then realize what has just happened. They begin to sob]
Sharon: Randy! [amid the sobs, some of the quints have questions]
Quint 2: Grandmama is dead?
Quint 1: What are we going to do now? [Randy and Sharon stand there helplessly]
Cartman: [in a low voice] You guys, come here. [steps forward. The others join him] This is totally awesome.
Stan: What?!
Kyle: How can you say that?
Cartman: Because now we can convince them to stay here, and now our circus will kick ass!
Kyle: Oh, yeah!
Stan: [rushes up] Mom! Dad! Can the quints stay with us? Please? Can they?
Randy: Well, Stan, it's not really our-
Stan: They have nowhere else to go. [presses hands together] Please?
Sharon: Well, for the time being I, I mean, of course they can stay.
Stan, Kyle: Hooray!
Cartman: Hooray!
Scene Description: The Marsh house, the backyard, some days later. Neighborhood men and women walk up to a fenced-in area of the yard in which the quints play with various toys and balls
Reporter: Tom, I'm standing at the home in South Park where five precious little girls have been rescued from Romania. Their mother passes away some months ago, and then their grandmother died trying to bring them here. But all is well now, and people are coming from all over the country to view the little tykes. [someone takes a picture] If you'd like to come down and visit the quintuplets, admission is only $5, and for a few dollars more ["FEED THE QUINTS! One Dollar" A man buys some fishsticks], you can feed them fishsticks.
A Quint: [hops up and down, then opens her mouth for a fishstick the man drops down to her] Mmm.
Reporter: Tom, it looks like these cute little girls have made it out of that armpit of a country they call Romania.
Scene Description: Romania, daytime with grey sky. Pan across grey, dismal, identical blocky buildings. Government officials watch the report in a run-down office
Reporter: Yes, luckily for them, these quintuplets no longer have to live in Romania, the asshole of the world. [a last shot of the quints is seen] Back to you, Tom.
President: This is not good. It makes our country look poor and stupid.
Romanian official: This could kill our tourism.
President: You know what to do. [they salute him and leave.]
Scene Description: South Park School of Music
Instructor: [at the piano] Alright, Kenny, let's start with some warm-up exercises. [plays the sequence C E G C G E C]
Kenny: [sings along] (Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha) [his mom looks on. The instructor and Kenny move on to the D and E scales.]
Mrs. McCormick: Well, what do you think? Can you help him become a better singer?
Instructor: Well, he's got potential. Depends on how good he wants to be.
Kenny: (I wanna be really good)
Instructor: Well, if you wanna be a real singer, you need to go to a conservatory in Europe. There's no other alternative.
Kenny: (Europe?)
Mrs. McCormick: We can't afford that.
Instructor: Well, then, I'm afraid your son will always be a hack.
Kenny: (Awww.)
Mrs. McCormick: Well, Kenny, if it means that much to you, maybe we can bus it to Europe and... you can sing on the way to make money.
Kenny: (Yeah.)
Scene Description: The Marsh house, breaking news music is heard. Sharon rushes into the kitchen
Sharon: Randy, Randy, you'd better have look at this. [exits to the living room]
Randy: [follows her out] What? [The boys and the quints watch the news. Sharon and Randy join them]
Anchor Tom: ...until the U.S. government receives this video, which was sent from Romania just hours ago.
Man: [reading a statement at gunpoint] Hello. This is Romanian father. I am desperate to have my girls returned to me in Romania.
Randy: Uh-oh.
Stan: That's your dad?
Quint 2: Maybe.
Quint 1: But we haven't seen papa for more than five years.
Man: How I've missed them all. Little Nahlal.
Voice: [hits the man on the head with the gun, k'chunk] Nadia!
Man: Nadia, my sweet Barshta
Voice: [k'chunk] Baltania!
Man: Baltania, eh anyway, my heart is aching for their return. I, I know the American government will do what's right. [the TV is turned off]
Kyle: Hoh no, dude. If they get sent back to Romania, we'll never get our Cirque dei Ceville going.
Stan: [gets up and runs to his parents] Mom, Dad, you're not gonna send them back, are you??
Sharon: Well, I... think we... have to,... don't we? [looks at Randy]
Randy: I don't know.
Kyle: [the girls look at him] You don't wanna go back to stinky Romania, do you? It sucks there.
Cartman: Yeah. America is sooo much cooler. In Romania they just oppress you and try to bring you down.
Sharon: We'll have to call the police and see what they want us to do. [she and Randy walk away]
Cartman: Damn, we might be screwed.
Stan: No! We've just gotta convince these chicks that America kicks the ass out of every other country. Come on! [walks off]
Scene Description: South Park Train Station. Kenny and his mom await the train. Kenny launches into "La donna è mobile." Carol holds a "Trying To Get To Europe" sign. The other boys take the quints to South Park Funland
Cartman: [in a log ride with the other seven, passes a lumberjack scene] You see, in America we have... log rides! [Kenny and his mom are at a bus terminal in Denver. A couple passes by and drops some money into the hat. Next, Cartman and friends are at Burger Cook, a fast-food restaurant] Bacon double-cheeseburgers! [Kenny and his mom are now at Coyote Bus Lines (play on Greyhound Bus Lines) in St. Louis at night. A man peeks through a door, another man drops some money into the hat. Next day] Sheep-shearing contests!
Scene Description: 22nd Annual Sheep Shearing Contest
Scene Description: A man shears a sheep with a shearer as the eight kids and four adults watch
A fan: Yeah. Woo hoohoohoo. Yeah. [the girls look on expressionless then #2 and #3 look at each other skeptically. Kenny and his mom are now at JFK International Airport in New York. Kenny gets some more money]
Cartman: [showing the others around a three-story shopping mall] And shopping malls! Hooray! [the girls are grinning. Kenny finally lands in Europe and goes out through gate 96]
Scene Description: Welcome To Europe! Coziest LittlePlace On Earth! Elevation 4200 ft.
Kenny: (Woo hoo!)
Scene Description: the U.S. Capitol. The Romanian father and two Romanian officials sit in Janet Reno's office
Romanian official: [no beard] Mrs. Janet Reno, you must understand, the father has right to his children.
Janet Reno: [flanked by two agents in riot gear] Yes, but the girls seem to wanna stay here. Why don't you all stay here in America, and this whole thing can go away.
Mr. Vladchick: Okay. [the official smacks him with the back of the hand] Heh!
Romanian official: Our home is Romania. We love it there.
Mr. Vladchick: Ah, yes, uwuh we love it there.
Romanian official: If daughters will not return on their own, you must force them to return
Janet Reno: Gentlemen, this has to be handled very delicately. You don't understand Americans' power to protest.
Romanian official: Protest?
Janet Reno: Look, people have it so good in America that they get bored very easily. And when people get bored they start protesting things.
All three men: Oh.
Janet Reno: But I want to assure you, and the Romanian people, that we are going to do everything in our power to make this as confusing as possible. [the Romanians already look confused]
Scene Description: South Park, the Marsh house, day. A crowd of protesters lobby in front of the house with signs like "No Go!", "We (heart) The Quints" and "Romania (with red cross-out circle stamp)".
Protesters: Let the quints stay! Romania is gay! Let the quints stay! Romania is gay!
Stephen Stotch: Fur is murder! Fur is murder! [notices the stares] Oh, what are we protesting here?
A Protester: [with a "No Romania" sign] Romania sucks!
Stephen Stotch: Oh, let's see [His professional protest sign has multiple pages and he flips through from "FUR IS MURDER" to "FREE KEVORKIAN," "SLEEPING BAGS KILL," then "ROMANIA SUCKS"] Here we go. Romania sucks!
Protesters: Romania sucks! Romania sucks!
Sharon: [looks out through the window. "Romania sucks! Romania sucks! Romania sucks!"] Oh my God! I didn't know this was going to become such a big deal.
Randy: ["Romania sucks!"] That'll teach us for taking an old lady and her granddaughters out of the cold.
Lead agent Collins: [backed by 11 other agents and a humvee] Attention, people inside the house! [Randy and Sharon look] You must return the quintuplets to their father! You have until... [lowers the bullhorn. An agent comes up and whispers] Oh yeah, that's good. [back on the bullhorn] You have until Easter Sunday to comply.
Protester: Nooo!
Protesters: Boooo!
Collins: What?! [the protesters gang up on the agents, beating them with their signs]
Scene Description: The Marsh house, Stan's room. Stan and friends are oblivious to the action outside
Stan: Okay, let's try it again. Hup!
A quint: Hup! [she leaps into position to complete the arch. Kyle and Cartman dive through and get up]
Kyle: Alright!
Randy: [enters] Stan, we- [the sight of the undressed boys stops him]
Sharon: Stanley, we have some bad news. The courts have decided the girls must go back to Romania.
Stan: No, they can't! We've convinced them that they want to stay in America.
Kyle: Yeah, we've shown them amusement parks and malls. How can you expect them to go back now??
Randy: I'm sorry, boys, but Janet Reno is having them taken away on Easter Sunday. We... don't have a choice. Sorry, girls. [he and Sharon walk away]
Stan: Now what do we do?
Scene Description: The Marsh house, outside, day. Several days have passed, and now the protest crowd is larger, and news cameras are present
Reporter: Tom, it is now Easter morning, and as the U.S. government promised, they are here to take the girls back to their father in Romania. Rumor has it that Janet Reno herself will be extraditing the quintuplets. [just then, a helicopter flies in and hovers over the house. Janet Reno, dressed in a bunny suit, waits in the open door to be lowered]
Soldier: Alright, Ms. Reno, let's go over the plan.
Janet Reno: Right.
Soldier: We'll drop you on the northwest corner of the backyard. You hop into the back of the house and find the quintuplets. When you see them, you say...
Janet Reno: "Hello, girls. I'm the Easter bunny."
Soldier: Good. And then hand them the Easter eggs filled with tear gas. Are you ready?
Janet Reno: Ready.
Soldier: Code blue!
Janet Reno: Code blue! [drops down onto the yard]
Scene Description: Romanian School of Music, day. Kenny is heard singing. He is onstage as his song ends, and his mom joins him with three other people
Music instructor: Lad, we would like very much to have you here at the Romanian Music School.
Kenny: (Woohoo!)
Carol: How much is all this gonna cost?
Music instructor: Don't worry, Ms. McCormick, Romania is very poor country. Apartment is cheap. Food is cheap, Everything is cheap because we are so God-damned poor.
Assistant: Yes, your two hundred American dollars will last months here.
Carol: Wow, what a great country. Everybody's poor, like us.
Kenny: (Yeah.)
Scene Description: The Marsh house, day. Protesters and police mill around the front yard
Janet Reno: [enters the kitchen through the back door] Hello, girls. I'm the Easter bunny. [sees nothing but furniture before her. She pulls out a an assault rifle with scope and silencer then moves forth] Happy Easter, kids. Come see what I brought for ya. [Stan, his parents, and the quints watch TV in the living room, and Janet Reno peeks at them. Terrance and Phillip are heard on the TV. Janet Reno pulls back and flattens herself against the kitchen wall]
Phillip: Hey, Terrance, I think I have to fart. [Reno pulls out an Easter egg and throws it at the girls. It ends up right in front of them]
Terrance: Wait. Before you do, pull my thumb.
Quint 2: Oh, look. An Easter egg.
Randy: Oh, shi- [the Easter egg unleashes its tear gas, and all cough and choke]
Lead soldier: That's it. Let's move, move move move, move! [breaks through the front door and leads the other police officers in.] Give us the kids, now! Now!
Officer 1: Down on the floor. Get down on the God-damned floor! [more officers stream in as Sharon drops down to the floor and assumes the fetal position]
Officer 2: Find them!
Janet Reno: [bursts through the master bedroom door] This is a bust! Hand over the quints! [police officers are already there looking for them under the bed and in dresser drawers. Reno joins them and heads for the closet. She opens a sliding door and finds Randy holding Stan in his arms and points her weapon at them thus comically recreating the famous image of the US Border Patrol agent pointing his MP5 submachine gun at six year old Elian Gonzalez held by his rescuer Donato Dalrymple] Hand over the children! Happy Easter. Hand over the children!!
Grandpa: [rolls in] What the hell's goin' on?! [all guns point to him]
Officer 3: Freeze, asshole!
Grandpa: Aw, go ahead and shoot me! I dare ya!
Officer 3: Don't push me, man!
Grandpa: Pull the trigger, you little pussy!
Officer 3: Gaahhh! [aims away from Grandpa and lets loose with gunfire]
Officer 4: Gun! Gun! [fires into the room. Reno drops down to avoid getting hit. Bullets riddle the wall]
Janet Reno: Down! Down! [outside, the protesters back away from the house]
Protester: Riot! Riot! [protesters now move forward against a wall of police]
Officer 5: Pepper spray! Pepper spray! [the police harden their line, pull out their cans and spray the protesters, who drop down immediately coughing. The house blows up. When the smoke clears, Reno and two officers are seen carrying the quints away. They reach a black van and toss the girls inside.]
Officer 6: Go ahead! In the van! [Reno goes in, followed by the other officers. One of them barks an order to the driver, and the van leaves the scene.]
Stan: [standing in front of the still burning ruins of his house] Dammit, now I'm never gonna have my own circus!
Scene Description: Romanian School of Music, day. Kenny performs "Der Hölle Rache" in front of a full house. He finishes the aria and the audience erupts in applause. Roses rain down upon him as he takes his bow.
Music instructor: Oh, your son is so talented, Ms. McCormick. The people of Romania love him.
Carol: Good job, Kenny.
Music instructor: Mrs. McCormick, we would love for you and your son to stay here in Romania, with us. Will you consider it?
Carol: [She kneels down and places her hand on Kenny's head] Well, what do you think, Kenny? You'd have to leave your friends and your family behind.
Kenny: (Sure!)
Music instructor: Alright!
Scene Description: The Marsh house, day. The protesters leave one by one. The Marshes stand in the bombed-out ruins
Sharon: Oh, Randy, it's gone! It's all gone!
Cartman: [arrives with Kyle] Dude, what the hell happened?
Stan: The government came and got the quintuplets. No more Cirque du Cheville for us.
Kyle: Damnit! How come every time we get a sweet idea, the government has to screw it up?!
Stan: Yeah! Well, not this time!
Cartman: Huh?
Stan: We've just gotta get that angry mob back on our side! [addresses the mob] Alright, everybody, listen up! Those bastards broke in here and took those poor quintuplets to the mayor's office downtown! But they haven't won yet! I say we all go over to the mayor's office, and demand to see the quintuplets right now!
Protester 1: Hmm.
Protester 2: Yeaahh.
Protester 3: I don't know. I usually like to stop protesting by 5:30.
Protester 4: Yeah, ah, do we get overtime for this?
Stan: Uh, sure, you can all get overtime.
Protester 5: Alright! [Fist pumps]
Protester 6: Yeah!
Protester 7: Down with Japan! [the mob moves away]
Scene Description: An office. Janet Reno and the two officers meet the Mayor and her aides for a photo-op. The photographer takes his shot.
Janet Reno: Alright. We just need to get a few more pictures of the girls reunited with their father so everyone knows they're happy. [The girls are shown with their grinning father. Two of them sit on his laps, the other three stand in front]
Photographer: Come on, girls. Smile. [the girls look downcast] We want you to look happy. Smile. [works a sock puppet on his left hand] Look at the silly frog. Who's got the silly frog? Look at him. I've got- Look at him. It's so silly. "I'm so silly." [the girls still have their eyes cast down]
Scene Description: Romania, day. A news report on TV
Stuart: Ah, hello? This is Kenny's dad, back in America. I miss my son very much. I would like to see him returned to me so that the U.S. government will buy me a new car and- [the butt of a rifle strikes the side of his head] Ow! I mean, bec- because I miss my son very much. [looks to his right] Man.
Scene Description: A United States Air Force checkpoint, later. Cartman, Kyle, and Stan approach, and a soldier intervenes
Stan: Hey! We wanna see the quintuplets!
Soldier: [Holds out hand to stop their progress] You can't see them, boys. They're happily reunited with their father.
Stan: [whistles a signal] Come on, angry mob! [the mob appears behind him. All of them move forward and overrun the checkpoint. A lagging protester runs over a fallen soldier]
Soldier: Aaa-a-a-aaa-ah.
Scene Description: The USAF office. Reno has taken her mask off and stands next to the girls. Behind her are six officers, and next to them are the two Romanian officials and Mr. Vladchick.
Romanian official: [the bearded one] Alright, it is time for us to return to Romania.
Janet Reno: [hears something] What is that?
Officer 7: [at a window] It's the protesters. They're back.
Janet Reno: God-damnit! [Puts back on her Easter Bunny 'helmet'] We'll take care of them. Come on! [leaves the office]
Officer 8: Let's move. Move!
Officer 7: Come on, come on, come on.
Officer 9: Come oonn, come oonn. [they follow Reno out, leaving the quints alone in front of a poster that reads "Join the Army... It's KILLER!!!". The officers engage the protesters on a runway]
Officer 10: This is government property!
Protester: Let the quints stay! [Reno and Sharon head for each other]
Sharon: You ruined my house! [lays out Reno using a baseball bat to the Bunny helmet. The quints look out the window, then turn around. Quint 2 hops off the bench and walks to the office phone]
Quint 1: What are you doing, Nadia?
Nadia: I'm calling the only person in the vorld who can help us. [picks up the receiver and starts dialing. The other girls look at each other.]
Scene Description: A USAF airfield, later. Protesters and officers are still brawling. Stan and Kyle each kick an officer on the shin.
Cartman: Take that! [kicks an officer on the shin]
Quint 3: [heads towards the battlefield and addresses everyone] Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! [the other four quints are with her. Weapons and signs are lowered]
Quint 1: All of you are acting like idiots!
Stan: Yeah.
Quint 1: None of you care about us. You only care about yourselves!
Quint 2: Look at you, Father. You walked out on us five years ago [he removes his hat and holds it tight], and now you act like you miss us sooo much! You are a liar and a fake!
Cartman: Yeah, you suck, dude!
Quint 3: And you Romanian leaders [both of them are there], you don't care about us! All you care about is making America look stupid!
Cartman: Yeah! God, you guys are dicks!
Quint 3: And you protesters! Don't you have anything better to do?! Get a life!
Cartman: Yeah!
Quint 3: And you boys are the worst of all!
Stan, Kyle, Cartman: Huh?
Quint 3: You know nothing about Romania, and yet you assume America is so much better! Maybe Romania isn't as nice as America, but it is our home! We are Romanian! All you care about is your own stupid circus! [at this point, a limousine pulls up behind them. It's from the Oprah show. The driver opens the back door and the girls head for the back seat]
Janet Reno: [has a protester in a headlock] Where are you going, girls?
Quint 1: The only place we can go. We're going on Oprah and then a book tour. [turns and climbs in, followed by three others]
Quint 5: Yes. You can all kiss our little white Romanian asses! [wiggles her ass at the crowd and climbs in. The limo leaves and everyone is left in a state of shock.]
Stan: Oh, well. Doing our own circus was a dumb idea anyways.
Cartman: Yeah, screw them!
Kyle: Kenny was never gonna get his singing right anyway.
Stan: Whatever happened to Kenny?
Scene Description: Romania, still grey and dismal daytime. Romanian protesters with signs bearing a picture of Kenny's head lobby in front of the house Kenny's in.
Romanian protesters: Let Kenny stay! Let Kenny stay! Let Kenny stay! [a van pulls up and police officers all the way from the U.S. pour out]
Officer 1: [sternly] Alright, people, the father wants his son returned to him! Hand him over to us!
Romanian protesters: Boooo!
Officer 2: Shut up, Romanians! All right, let's go. Move move move move! [bursts through the front door. Officers pour in and look all over the place for Kenny. They enter the master bedroom, and look under the bed and in dresser drawers. One of them head for the closet and opens the sliding door and again the Elian Gonzalez scene is recreated with Kenny and his mother facing the police]
Officer 3: [seeing Carol holding Kenny] Hand over the boy, now!
Carol: Okay, okay!
Officer 3: I mean it, lady, you've got about-! [his assault rifle goes off, riddling Kenny with bullets. His mom is distraught and drops Kenny] Whoops.