Scene Description: Kyle's room, day. Kyle is at his computer. Kenny's on his laptop on Kyle's bed while Cartman is on the Internet on his phone.
Cartman: I've got more friends than Ky-yle! I've got more friends than Ky-yle!
Kyle: How the hell do you have more friends than me?
Cartman: 'Cause people think I'm cool, dude.
Kyle: How many friends do you have, Kenny?
Kenny: (Sixty two.)
Kyle: What? How the hell do I only have thirty seven friends?
Stan: [walks in] Aww, are you guys doing that stupid Facebook stuff again?
Cartman: [retorts] Stupid Facebok stuff.
Stan: Why are you guys in here wasting your time? We're supposed to be out playing video games.
Kyle: Stan, you don't get how cool Facebook has become. You can message your friends, play Yahtzee with your friends, even start your own virtual farm and have your friends visit it.
Stan: Dude, who the hell wants to play Yahtzee?
Cartman: Stan, we know it's hard to get started, but we have a little surprise for you.
Kyle: Yeah dude, we made you your own Facebook page. [smiles]
Cartman: Surprise! [smiles]
Stan: Noo, I told you guys I don't wanna be on Facebook!
Kyle: Yeah, but now you can be friends with all of us!
Kenny: (Yeah!)
Stan: I'm not collecting friends and I'm not building any farms! I don't wanna get sucked into this!
Cartman: Alright, fine dude, you don't have to add any friends. You can just be like Kip Drordy.
Stan: Who?
Cartman: Kip Drordy, the third grader? He's got nooo Facebook friends. [begins to gloat] And he's had a profile for more than six months.
Kyle: Aww gee, that's... so sad. Everyone should have one Facebook friend.
Stan: You guys are retarded, I'm playing Xbox. [turns around and walks out.]
Kyle: There's really people out there without a Facebook friend in the world? That's so wrong.
Scene Description: Kip Drordy's room, day. Kip sits there on his stool, a lonely figure with a misshapen head, looking at his monitor, hoping for a friend to finally appear on his Facebook page. "You have 0 friends." He looks away from the monitor and sighs, wiping a tear from his nose. A small pop-up window appears. Kip looks at it, then startles himself. He gets to his keyboard and reads the window: "Kyle Broflovski has added you as a friend." He rubs his eyes in disbelief and looks again. "Confirm Kyle as your friend?" He moves the cursor down to the "Confirm" button and clicks on it. Now his page reads "You have 1 friends."
Kip: [getting excited] Ahhhhh. [gets off his stool and runs around the room] Haaa! Haaaaaaaaaa! Yeah! [opens the door, runs out of his room and down the stairs and into the kitchen]
Scene Description: Kitchen, day.
Kip: Mom, Dad! I made a friend today!
Kip's mom: Kip, really?
Kip's dad: You did?
Kip: Yeah!! [jumps for joy]
Kip's dad: Huh son, that's wonderful.
Kip's mom: What's his name?
Kip: Kyle Broflovski! He's a student, and his interests include video games and reading.
Kip's mom: Oh, is he a nice boy?
Kip: Oh, he's the best, Mom! He has a green hat, and he wants the world to stop talking about ninjas. Oh! I need to tell him what I'm currently thinking about! What am I currently thinking about?! [runs back to his room]
Scene Description: The Marsh dining room, evening. Stan is at the table doing homework. Randy pops in from the kitchen.
Randy: Hey Stan, I was on my computer at work and saw that you have a Facebook page now?
Stan: Yeah, Dad, I was kinda forced to.
Randy: Well sooo... are you gonna add me as a friend?
Stan: [looks over his shoulder] No- Dad, I I really don't wanna get more into it.
Randy: ...Oh okay. [walks away, but returns a few seconds later] So I'm, I'm not your friend then?
Stan: ...Dad, you are my friend.
Randy: ...But you just don't wanna, add me, as a friend?
Stan: Dad, it's just a stupid click of a button, it takes two seconds!
Randy: Right, but you don't have... the two seconds orrr?
Stan: I just wanna do my homework!
Randy: Alright, fine. [walks away again. Stan puts his face in his left palm, then gets back to homework. Randy returns...] Just to be clear, you and I are not... friends?
Stan: Alright, Dad, I'll add you!
Randy: Oh cool! Okay. [walks away]
Scene Description: The Drordy house, night. The parents are watching TV from their sofa. Kip runs in.
Kip: Mom, Dad, my best friend Kyle? He went to the dentist yesterday, and got two fillings! And today he's wondering if Hurt Locker really deserved the Oscar!
Kip's mom: That's great, Kip!
Kip: Yeah! [runs off]
Kip's dad: They sure are getting to know each other.
Kip's mom: It's amazing! You know Kip spent the morning at the boy's farm?
Kip's dad: His friend lives on a farm?
Scene Description: Kyle's room, night. He's at his computer working on his farm - in Farmville.
Kyle: I think I'll add some more... pigs. [done] Oh, maybe I should put in another field of corn there. [moves his avatar to his corn fields and adds one] There we go. Nice. [a click and a small whoosh are heard, and Kyle looks at his screen. "You have 29 friends"] Twenty nine? No, I have thirty friends. [a click and a small whoosh are heard. "You have 28 friends." More of these sounds are heard as Kyle's friend count drops] Hey what the hell is-? Oh no! Oh shit! [Kyle does what he can, but keeps losing friends]
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Stan is at his locker switching books. Wendy walks up behind him.
Wendy: Am I a joke to you?
Stan: [stops moving, then turns around] What?
Wendy: I just wanna know, is that all I am? A big joke?
Stan: ...Um, no?
Wendy: You DO have a Facebook page, Stan!
Stan: Oh Goddamnit no! I just got that because Kyle-
Wendy: Yeah well I saw your page, Stan! Relationship status? Single?
Stan: Relationship stat- I didn't even pay any attention to that-
Wendy: You like being single, Stan? So that you could Facebook to find other girls?! According to your Facebook page, [crosses her arms] we aren't friends!
Stan: Alright, I'll add you as a friend. I'm sorry.
Wendy: And you'd BETTER change your relationship status to "In a relationship"!
Stan: How?
Wendy: By editing your profile under "basic information"!
Stan: Okay, I'm sorry!
Scene Description: Stan's room, night. He's at his computer editing his profile.
Stan: "Edit profile. Basic... settings" Jesus Christ!
Randy: Stan? Why won't you be friends with Grandma?
Stan: ...Aw. Dad, I just really don't wanna pay attention to this thing!
Randy: Grandma is in the hospital! And you won't even be friends with her!
Stan: Alright, Dad, I'll add Grandma as a friend.
Randy: That's better. Oh, and I sent you a funny picture and you didn't respond to it. [walks away]
Stan: Dude, fuck Facebook! Seriously! [an update pops up] What the hell is this?! Podcast?
Cartman: [in a video podcast] Welcome to Cartman's Incredible Podcast! [Mad Friends podcast. Cartman sits behind a Mad Friends desk. At the bottom of the screen are two tickers. The upper one shows changes in friend stocks, the lower one shows Facebook updates] Hello fellow Facebookers, I'm here to do one thing: get you more friends! [rings a bell and leaves his chair] Looking around Facebook today we see that since adding loser Kip Drordy as a friend, Kyle Broflovski's stock is plummeting! He had 55 friends just two days ago, he's down to just 11 this morning. Run to your Facebook account and delete Kyle from your friend list because he is poison and I don't see him making a comeback any time soon. [presses a big red button, which produces a shotgun blast] You're gonna want to dump Kyle and if at all possible add Clyde Donovan. Why? [shows a birthday cake] Birthday! That's right, Clyde has a birthday coming up and his mom is taking everyone to Casa Bonita. [presses a button that produces the sound of a whistle] If you don't have Clyde as a friend, you're gonna want to add him, because Clyde's numbers are about to go way up! And now, Word On The Street. [cranks up a player that repeats "Word On The Street"] The rumors are now becoming more than that; Jimmy and Bebe have agreed to share their friends. That's right. Looks like we're about to have a merger [presses a robot that says "MERGER"] So if you're a friend of Jimmy's you're about to luck into about 90 chick friends, and as we all know, chick friends are worth almost triple what dude friends are. That's all the time I have for today. Remember, update that profile, and steer clear of Kyle!
Scene Description: The Marsh living room, nighttime. A knock is heard at the front door and Stan walks to the door and opens it. It's raining outside and Kyle is on the steps. He sniffles.
Kyle: Can I come in?
Stan: Sure dude. [Kyle enters, still sniffling] Dude, what's the matter?
Scene Description: Kyle turns to face his friend, tears in his eyes.
Kyle: I... don't... have... any... friends...
Stan: What?
Kyle: I mean, I do, but, well, ever since I became friends with that Kip Drordy kid, a bunch of my other friends have started ignoring me. It would be fine except for my farm is starting to shrink. I know that I should just dump Kip as a friend, but that's such a terrible thing to do and, I'm sorry I'm just so confused I... I really need a friend right now.
Stan: Okay dude, I'm I'm here for you.
Kyle: 'K, so then get on Facebook and fertilize my crops?
Stan: NO!
Kyle: Pleahehese! My farm hasn't expanded in three days!
Stan: Dude, I've already had to become friends with all of Wendy's frends and my grandma's friends! I do NOT want to start doing all the farming stuff too! I'm not getting sucked into that!
Kyle: [rushes up to Stan, falls on his knees, and grabs the lower part of his friend's jacket] You don't get sucked into it! You don't get sucked in at all! Plehehehehehease!
Stan: [frustrated] Ah, fuck.
Scene Description: Stan's room, moments later. Stan is at his computer while Kyle watches on his phone.
Stan: Okay it says I'm at your farm.
Kyle: 'Kay, so now just click on the little soil button... [Stan does so] and then maybe put a sign up to comment on my farm... [Stan does so] Okay, now I can read the sign you put up...
Stan: 'Kay, it says you and I are now very good friends.
Kyle: Yeah. We're very good friends. We're very good friends, Stan!
Scene Description: The Drordy house, day. The family is in the kitchen. Kip and his father are at the table eating while his mom is in the kitchen proper serving herself.
Kip's dad: So Kip, you spend more time with your buddy Kyle today?
Kip: Oh yeah Dad, we've been havin' the best time! I showed him all the pictures of me and that silly Halloween costume last year.
Kip's mom: [joins the boys at the table] Oh, what'd he say about those?
Kip: He laughed out loud. And then he was rollin' on the floor laughin'!
Kip's dad: Sounds like you boys had a ball!
Kip: Mom, Dad, I'm all done. Can I go hang out with Kyle and tell him all about what I had for dinner?
Kip's dad: Well it's a little late, but it is Friday.
Kip's mom: I think the more time you spend with your little friend, the better.
Kip: Wow, thanks! [runs out of the kitchen]
Kip's mom: Have fun and be safe! [Kip runs through the living room and upstairs, then enters his own room]
Scene Description: Kip's room, night. Kip runs to his computer and gets onto Facebook. He begins to type.
Kip: Ate a pork chop for dinner. Had nice apple sauce too. [clicks on Share, and there's his status. He waits for a reply, from 7:20 to... 8:30. He gets a reply: Kyle likes the post] Hahaa haha! Yeah! [gets off his chair and dances around] Yeah, yeah, yeah!
Scene Description: South Park, day. Stan exits a Comic store with some comic books and turns right, only to stop when he sees Wendy.
Wendy: "I think you look cute in your bunny costume."
Stan: What?
Wendy: "I think you look cute in your bunny costume." What is that supposed to mean?!
Stan: ...I have no idea.
Wendy: That's what Susan92 wrote on your Facebook wall! You give girls pictures of you in bunny outfits?! Fuck you! [walks off angrily]
Stan: [turns to see her walk off] Susan92 is a friend of my grandma's and she's 92 years old! [turns around and continues on his way. He walks by an electronics store]
Man 1: [standing in the doorway with a cigarette in his left hand] Oh hey Stan, I'm your friend Brian through your uncle Jimbo? Hey I commented on your status but I haven't heard back from you. Could you give me a poke sometime soon?
Stan: Fine! [continues walking, but a car pulls up next to him.]
Man 2: Hey kid, how come you ignored my friend request?
Stan: [looks at him like he's crazy] I don't know you!
Man 2: Yeah, well I'm just a guy that gets ignored, I guess! [spits on Stan and drives off, Stan begins to shake in anger]
Scene Description: Stan's computer, later. He's looking at his Facebook page, still steaming from his encounters outside Comic Factory. "You have 845,000 friends".
Randy: Stan? Grandma said she poked you and you haven't sent a poke back.
Stan: ...Dad, I didn't even wanna do th-
Randy: Stan, poke your grandma!
Stan: [squeezes his eyes shut and stays still for a moment] No. NO! Screw this! You know what? "Edit Profile > Update Profile." There! "Delete Profile"! [reads the popup] "You have requested to delete your Facebook profile. If this is an error, hit Cancel" Proceed! [presses "Proceed," then reads the next popup.] "Delete yor profile, are you sure? Yes. No." Yes! "Are you totally sure?" Yes! [clicks on it and his screen goes black. A blinking amber cursor appears]
Computer voice: [the following words appear onscreen] I'm afraid I can't let you do that, Stan Marsh.
Stan: You can't let me do that? What are you talking about? [his monitor has a built-in Webcam]
Computer voice: I'm gonna have to put you on the game grid.
Stan: Delete Profile! "Are you totally sure? Yes or-" Yes! Goddamnit yes! Delete! Delete delete! [the webcam lights up and shoots a laser at Stan's forehead, knocking him back on his chair. It then sets up boxes of energy around his body] Hey Dad? [the camera begins scanning him in bit by bit, pixel by pixel] Dad? [He disappeared from his chair and he transported through the webcam. He soon appears on a virtual floor after traveling down some tunnels] Oh dude, what the fuck? [Neon lights appear all over]
Scene Description: Inside the game grid. Three guards approach him.
Guard 1: Alright get moving, Profile.
Stan: Profile? I'm not a profile.
Guard 1: Ignore. [shocks him with an electric prod.]
Stan: AAH. [The guards escort Stan away]
Profile 1: Tom Davis says hello to Linda Green's profile.
Profile 2: Linda Davis likes how Tom Davis has changed his status.
Stan: Excuse me, my name is-
Profile 3: Ignore.
Stan: Eh hey, could you tell me how I-
Profile 4: Ignore.
Stan: [realizes where he is] Aw Goddamnit I got sucked into Facebook!
Scene Description: Mad Friends, which is being broadcast from Cartman's basement. Kyle has made it onto Cartman's podcast.
Kyle: I don't know what to do. I just can't seem to get my friend numbers to go up. I'm desperate. That's why I came to you.
Cartman: You're very smart, Kyle. But the truth is, as long as you have that Kip Drordy loser as a Facebook friend, people view your friendship as a liability. You gotta dump him.
Kyle: I can't do that, I'd just feel too bad.
Cartman: Well Kyle, then what you have to do is go outside the normal circles and try to make friends with people who've never heard of Kip.
Kyle: I've been trying! But I just don't know how to make totally new friends on the Internet.
Cartman: It's not as hard as it sounds, Kyle. Have you ever heard of chatroulette?
Kyle: No. What's chatroulette?
Scene Description: Cartman's room, later. Cartman is at his computer while Kyle sits on a chair looking on.
Cartman: Yep, finding new friends is easier today than ever before. We just set ourselves up on webcam, and then the computer will randomly put us with one of the fifty thousand people online also doing chatroulette.
Kyle: Hey, uh that's, that's kinda cool.
Cartman: Uh huh. Alright, let's see who our first chat partner is. Connect.
Kyle: [a look of disgust comes over him] Aww, that's some dude jacking off! [turns away quickly]
Cartman: Oh yeah, you get those sometimes. We'll just click to the next person. There we go. Hello?
Kyle: That's just a guy's penis too!
Cartman: Okay let's, let's try this one.
Kyle: [turns away quickly] Dude, I don't wanna see a bunch of guys' penises!
Cartman: Hold on, Kyle! This is seriously an amazing gathering place where people from all over the world can share their thoughts and ideas. [goes onto the next person] Okay, that's a dude jacking off, but... 'Kay, dude jacking off... Penis... Penis... Penis penis penis. Ah! Here's a guy! Hey dude, how's it going?
Dude: [waves] Hey.
Cartman: This is my friend Kyle. He's looking for some new friends.
Dude: Oh yeah? [leaves his chair and goes to the other end of his room, turns around, unzips his pants]
Cartman: Ohh, he's taking out his penis. Okay, next guy...
Kyle: Dude, screw this! I don't wanna see anymore!
Cartman: Kyle, this is the way the world works! If you wanna find some quality friends, you've gotta wade through all the dicks first!
Scene Description: The game grid. Stan walks around.
Stan: Excuse me. Could you tell me what the hell's going on?
Tom Davis: No, you aren't my friend. Would you like to be my friend?
Stan: No, I seriously don't want any more friends.
Tom Davis: Ignore. [turns to talk to another profile] So anyway, I really like taking long walks in the summer, you know, because there's like
Stan: Okay I'll be your friend.
Tom Davis: [turns back to Stan] Confirm. [both of them feel a surge of energy in their game suits, shown by the suits lighting up, then it disappears] Oooo, Tom Davis is thrilled to have become powerful by adding a new friend. Here are some pictures of my dog. And here he is in some silly outfits. Can you comment on these?
Stan: Awww!
Guard: [comes up behind Stan] Move it, profile!
Tom Davis: Oh oh.
Stan: Why oh oh?
Profile 5: They're taking him to the gaming arena.
Tom Davis: Looks like I'm gonna be down a friend. [the guards escort Stan to the arena, shocking him once in a while. Another profile appears next to him]
Referee: You are about to face each other in combat! You will play the game for the amusement of the users! [the arena is activated and Stan and the other profile are sent in] Let the game commence! [they face each other and virtual bikes pop up under them, lifting them off the floor. The bikes are replaced with a table and two stools and a guard brings a game of Yahtzee to the table.]
Stan: Yahtzee?
Referee: One round only! Begin! [the opposing profile rolls first, leaves a pair of 3s and scoops up three dice, rolls again]
Profile 6: Uhhh, I'm gonna count five in my five box.
Stan: Can't we play on speeder bikes or something?
Guard: [shocks him] Play, profile!
Stan: [rolls and gets five 4s] Yahtzee. [the other profile gasps and vanishes in a fair bit of pain]
Scene Description: Cartman's room, later. Cartman is still clicking through chatroulette chatters.
Cartman: Dude jacking off... Dude jacking off... [coughs to clear his throat] That's a dude jacking off...
Kyle: That's it Cartman, I'm outta here! [walks to the bedroom door] Chatroulette is no way for me to find new friends! [about to open the door]
Cartman: Waitwait wait wait, wait Kyle! [Kyle turns and goes back to Cartman's desk.] Here's a nice little Jewish kid. Hey, hi there.
Boy: Hello.
Cartman: Yeah hey, nice to meet you. My friend Kyle is a Jew too.
Boy: Oh that's cool. I was startin' to think this was nothin' but dudes jackin' off.
Kyle: Hey, so... do you wanna be Facebook friends?
Boy: Uhh, sure. If you'll come and visit my farm.
Kyle: Heck yeah I'll visit your farm! You should check mine out too!
Scene Description: The Drordy house, day, kitchen. Mr. Drordy reads The World News, Mrs. Drordy is drying dishes.
Kip's dad: Honey, where's Kip? I haven't seen him all day.
Kip's mom: No, he's been out spending the whole day with his best friend Kyle. I think they're at the movies now.
Scene Description: The Bijou. Kip is in the audience enjoying the hell out of himself. He's watching a 3D movie with everyone else, as they're all wearing 3D glasses. He spills some popcorn onto an open laptop he brought with him. Kyle's Facebook page appears on the laptop screen. Kip takes out a camera and snaps a shot of himself and his laptop
Scene Description: [The gaming arena. The referee is angry...]
Referee: Troublemaker! You were not supposed to survive the game of Yahtzee! You have made things complicated!
Stan: I've made them complicated?! I don't even wanna be here!
Referee: That's not what your profile said.
Stan: My profile? Goddamnit my Facebook profile has taken on a life of its own! Where is it?!
Referee: Your profile is one of the most powerful in all of Facebook. You cannot stop it now.
Stan: Oh yeah? I can try! [turns around and walks through a wall]
Referee: After him!
Scene Description: Kyle's Facebook page. Kyle is working on his farm again.
Kyle: Okay, I fed the pigs. Now I definitely should water some fields... Oh wow, cool. That Jewish kid put up a sign on my farm. "Hey Kyle, really like your farm." Oh awesome! [a new sound is heard] What the hell is that? Stan? [Stan appears on Kyle's farm and walks to the middle of the screen]
Stan: You're an asshole, Kyle!
Kyle: [perplexed] ...What?
Stan: What's the one thing I told you?! That I didn't wanna get sucked into Facebook! This is all your fault!
Kyle: [looks around making sure the coast is clear] Dude, w-what are you doing?
Stan: What's it look like I'm doing?! I found your farm in Facebook so you can help me deal with this bullshit! You've gotta go check out my profile status!
Kyle: Profile status?
Stan: Just bring up my Facebook page and see what it says my status is!
Kyle: Well, Stan I have to harvest my crops before it's too late.
Stan: DUDE! Fuck your crops! [walks up to Kyle's corn and starts ripping the stalks up]
Kyle: Dude! Dude okay! S-Stop! I'm sorry! [pulls up Stan's status] Says that you are currently... hosting an online chat party for all your friends.
Stan: Where?
Kyle: Café World.
Stan: Son of a bitch! [runs back to the barn he came out of]
Kyle: An online chat party for all his friends... Dude, I should get over there!
Scene Description: Café World. Stan approaches the entrance, which has a sign next to it: "Friends of Stan Marsh Online Chat Party". He enters and is overwhelmed by the number of people in the café.
Stan: Jesus Christ.
Randy's profile: Randy Marsh is at work right now. Work is boring.
Butters' profile: Butters Stotch is enjoying Stan's chat party.
Garrison's profile: Herbert Garrison likes Butters' comment.
Grandma Marsh's profile: Grandma Marsh would like to be friends with Kevin Donahue.
Kevin Donahue's profile: Kevin Donahue accept's Grandma Marsh's friendship.
Stan: Has anybody seen my stupid profile?!
Susan92's profile: Susan92 has pictures of Stan in a bunny costume.
Gary Johnson's profile: Gary Johnson thinks the pictures are fantastic!
Kyle: Wow, there's a lot of profiles here. Kyle Broflovski's amazed Stan has so many Facebook friends. Hey, Kyle Broflovski's amazed Isiah is also a Facebook friend of Stan's.
Isiah: Isiah's order is on leaving Kyle Broflovski as a friend.
Kyle: What? Why?
Isiah: User saw you were friends with Kip Drordy, who only has one friend. Kyle Broflovski is bad friend stock.
Kyle: Oh n-no, I'm not really friends with him.
Isiah: Ignore.
Kyle: Unh, that does it!
Stan: Alright alright, enough! Everybody just SHUT UP! [everyone shuts up and looks at him] Where is profile Stan Marsh?! [the room begins to rumble]
Profile Stan Marsh: [rising from the ground] Right here.
Stan: Uh-oh...
Scene Description: Kyle's room, night. Kyle is at his desk thinking about how to break the news to Kip.
Kyle: I'm sorry, Kip, but I really can't be your friend anymore. It was a great ride, but I must say goodbye. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do, but ending a friendship... is never easy. [moves the cursor to the Send button and clicks it. With the message sent, Kyle moves the cursor to the left side of the screen and selects "Remove from Friends," and clicks that. A popup window shows up: "Kip Drordy - Remove from Friends?" He clicks on "Remove from Friends" and Facebook tells him his friend is removed.]
Scene Description: Kip's room, night. He's at his computer typing along happily when he sees Kyle's message. He's disheartened. Kyle disappears from his friend list and he's back down to 0 friends. Kip leaves his stool and walks over to a wall on which he has a large picture of Kyle. He takes the picture down and returns to his stool, and sighs.
Scene Description: The gaming arena. Stan and his profile face off. His profile is ten times bigger than Stan himself is, towering over him.
Stan: What do you want from me, dude?!
Profile Stan Marsh: I'm your profile, and as you can see, I am much more powerful than you.
Stan: Damnit I should have deleted you a long time ago!
Profile Stan Marsh: [gets down on one knee to Stan's eye level] Why do you think I brought you in here? The fact of the matter is I'm up and running now with almost a million friends. I don't need you anymore. I have more friends than you'll ever have in the real world.
Stan: Who cares? Friends shouldn't be some kind of... commodity for a person's status!
Profile Stan Marsh: Who is more powerful? The user or the profile? Let's end this once and for all. [the Yahtzee platform appears under them]
Referee: Let the final battle begin! [the crowd drops down, or the platform rises. Hard to tell. The table and two stools appear and a guard brings the Yahtzee board game over]
Stan: Fuckin' Yahtzee again? Seriously? [his giant profile takes a seat and rolls the dice]
Profile Stan Marsh: What did I tell you?! That's a large flush already! You don't have a chance in here, user! You pathetic little-
Stan: Yahtzee.
Profile Stan Marsh: What?!
Stan: Yahtzee. Sixes.
Profile Stan Marsh: No. Can't be.
Randy: Yahtzee!
Profile Stan Marsh: No! Ahhhhh! [vanishes in a fair bit of pain. After some silence, Stan disappears from the arena and is reassembled back on his chair at home]
Scene Description: Stan's room, moments later.
Stan: Awgh! [catches his breath. With his profile destroyed, Stan sees that he has 0 friends.] Oh thank God.
Randy: Hey Stan, my computer says we're not friends anymore?
Stan: My Facebook profile went rogue, Dad. I had to go into the circuitry and do battle with it. I sent all my friends somewhere else.
Randy: Oh okay. So we're, we're not friends, then?
Stan: Fuck off, Dad. [turns off the monitor and leaves his desk.]
Scene Description: Kip's room, night. Kip is waiting by his computer for a friend, any friend, to appear and become his friend. A sound is heard and all of a sudden Kip has a lot of friends - 845,323 of them - and he's shocked. Then he gets excited all over again. He dances and jumps on his stool.


Scene Description: At fudge factory for a field trip, A tour guide shows Mr. Garrison's class around the factory
Tour Guide: Our factory works 24/7 to produce candy, and we have over 500 employees. Here you can see where the cocoa is mixed with the sugar and milk.
Cartman: Wow, coo'... [snaps a picture] Chocolate rules!
Kyle: You should know, fatass.
Cartman: AY! I'm not fat, you sneaky Jew!
Stan: Oh God, you guys, really? This again? [the students all move to the next spot in the tour]
Tour Guide: And here is where all the fudge is put into boxes to be shipped all over the world.
Kyle: Kinda like Cartman's dad shipped out on him.
Cartman: I have a dad, butthole. My mom is my dad.
Stan: You guys, stop! All you're doing is rehashing a bunch of old stuff! [everyone moves on except Butters, who spots something]
Butters: Hey, Stan, isn't that Tom Cruise?
Stan: Huh? [Tom Cruise is packing fudge into boxes with a hat pulled low over his face] Oh, wow it is! Hey, guys, check it out. Tom Cruise is a fudge packer!
Tom Cruise: What did you call me?
Cartman: Hey, that is Tom Cruise! [snaps a picture]
Butters: How come you're packin' fudge, Mr. Cruise?
Tom Cruise: I'm not a fudge packer!
Kyle: Dude, you don't have to be ashamed or anything.
Tom Cruise: But I'm not a fudge packer! [packs a block of fudge into a box]
Stan: Then why are you packing fudge?
Tom Cruise: I'm not. I am a very busy actor who is trying to get away for a week and do some fly fishing! [pushes more fudge into boxes]
Stan: Dude, you are in a fudge factory packing fudge.
Tom Cruise: Oh, that does it. I will SUE you!
Stan: For what?
Tom Cruise: You can't just call somebody a fudge packer and get away with it! [Mr. Garrison walks over]
Mr. Garrison: Hey, is that fudge packer Tom Cruise?
Tom Cruise: That's it! [throws his hat away] I'm suing this entire intolerant town!
Stan: But, dude-
Tom Cruise: No buts! If you want to accuse somebody of being a fudgepacker, you're gonna pay the consequences!
Scene Description: At Tom Cruise's mountain lodge, a big crowd of celebrities has gathered.
Tom Cruise: Guys, I want to really thank you all for coming. Shockingly, I've just been slandered once again in the town of South Park, something I know you can all relate to. [all celebrities nod and agree]
Tiger Woods: That town just seems to be a hotbed of hatred and lies!
Bono: I'm fed up with it. That town suggested that I was made of shit!
Tom Cruise: Yeah, well, I was just over there doing a little fly fishing and this little boy walks up and calls me a fudge packer! [The celebrities all are shocked and appealed] I know, right? And then other kids in the town and their teacher start joining in. [Sally Struthers is taking up the whole couch, except for the small place of an annoyed Mickey Mouse.]
Sally Struthers: South Park, Colorado, is the most racist, insensitive, and bigoted place in this country! [George Lucas holding onto a ball-gagged Indiana Jones]
George Lucas: That town thinks they can say whatever they want about people and get away with it!
Paris Hilton: If anyone has a gripe against that shithole, it's me! [coughs up some semen, then rubs it on John Travolta's crotch]
Tom Cruise: Yeah, well, I say enough. All of us together can put a stop to that slander coming from that town once and for all! No longer will they make snide remarks about whoever they want.
All Celebrities: YEAH!
Jared Fogle: Hey, Tom, I ate too much Subway. Where's your bathroom?
Tom Cruise: Oh, just the door down the hall there, Jared. [Jared opens the door to find a closet] No, no, no, that's a closet. Go down more. [Jared opens another door, which is also a closet.] No, that's a closet too. [Jared opens a door, and once again it is a closet] Nope, Jared, that's a closet too. [Jared opens another door, it is another closet] No. [Jared opens two more doors, both closets] That's a closet... No that- that's a closet too.
Scene Description: At South Park Elementary, Mr. Garrison's class.
Principal Victoria: [over the PA system] Stan Marsh to the principal's office. Stan Marsh, come to the principal's office immediately!
Kyle: Dude, what did you do?
Stan: I have no idea...
Scene Description: Walks into Victoria's office to discover his parents, the mayor, the counselor, Kyle's parents, and the police
Randy: You just had to push it, didn't you, Stan? You just had to make fun of Tom Cruise again!
Principal Victoria: Did you call him a fudge packer?
Stan: Aww... he was packing fudge!
Mayor: Little boy, you don't understand how serious this is. Tom Cruise has put together a class-action lawsuit, along with 200 other celebrities!
Mr. Mackey: They are going to sue the bejezzus out of this entire town, m'kay!
Stan: It wasn't just me. Other kids called him a fudge packer, even Mr. Gar-
Principal Victoria: But you started it. Mr. Broflovski, tell him what you told us.
Gerald: Stan, a class-action lawsuit means the end of this town. We can't possibly go up against their lawyers!
Sgt. Yates: Dammit, Marsh, why couldn't you have just kept your stupid ugly kid in line?!
Randy: Hey, don't start blaming me for his looks!
Scene Description: Back at the fudge factory, Tom Cruise is busy packing fudge as Stan and Randy stand behind him. Stan has taken off his hat and looks at the floor guiltily.
Randy: Mr. Cruise, my son is so, so sorry, and he would do anything to take back his hurtful comments.
Tom Cruise: That's nice! [punches the button to take away fudge he just packed] I'm still suing you all! Nobody calls me a fudge packer! [pushes fudge into a box]
Randy: Yes, it was a terrible mistake. But maybe you could see how, since you do... take fudge and... pack it into a box... [Tom Cruise turns around]
Tom Cruise: WHAT?
Randy: We-, I-I'm just saying that you are employed currently as a person who... packages...
Tom Cruise: I am an actor. I do not pack fudge! [turns around and throws a piece of fudge into a box angrily]
Randy: Right, my son just got confused. Because you have a little uniform, and a... hat that says "Fred's Fudge and Candies"... and you are... Look it doesn't matter. Just please withdraw the class-action lawsuit. Nobody in our town will ever call you a fudge packer ever again. [Tom Cruise sighs and backs away from his fudge packing station]
Tom Cruise: Well, there is... one thing that your town could do to... maybe make me forget about this lawsuit.
Randy: ANYTHING! Anything you want, Mr. Cruise.
Tom Cruise: It's just that there's somebody that I have always wanted to meet... face to face. If you could get him to show up in your town-
Randy: Sure! Who is it? We can get anybody for you.
Tom Cruise: Muhammad. The prophet of the Muslim faith.
Stan: Ooooooo...
Randy: That's... tricky...
Tom Cruise: Well, then you can just get sued! [Returns to packing fudge]
Randy: Mr. Cruise, if there is anybody else we could bring to town, we-
Tom Cruise: No! Just him. You get Muhammad to appear or your little town is DONE!
Scene Description: South Park Town Meeting Hall. Angry chatter is heard while Randy is speaking to the audience, with Principal Victoria, Mr. Mackey, Mayor and her aides sitting on chairs beside him.
Randy: Okay, people, I know, I know. But he will get the other celebrities to withdraw their lawsuit if we just... get Muhammad to appear in South Park.
Mr. Garrison: Are you nuts? If Muhammad appears in South Park, we get bombed! [audience shouts in agreement]
Stephen: Now we don't know that. Maybe enough time has passed that it is now OKAY to show Muhammad.
Kyle: [to Token] Dude, I can't believe we are dealing with this Muhammad thing again.
Mr. Mackey: But even if it were safe for Muhammad to be shown, how would we ever find him?
Sgt. Yates: Yeah, showing an image of him is completely off limits and censored, so nobody has seen what Muhammad looks like. [shows the whole audience. Stan in the middle raises his hand]
Stan: I saw him once. [everyone turns towards Stan]
McDaniels: [steps forward] You did?
Stan: Yeah, one time, my friends joined David Blaine's cult, and I had to go to the Super Best Friends to rescue them, and Muhammad was one of the Super Best Friends.
Mr. Garrison: Oh, and what- he was just out in the open where everybody could see him and nobody got bombed?
Stan: No, dude, it was totally fine.
Sgt. Yates: Muhammad showed up and there was no violence at all?
Stan: Well, a giant John Wilkes Booth shot Abraham Lincoln...
Randy: Alright, Stan, that's enough. Jesus, can't learn to shut up, can you? Now look, I believe we CAN find Muhammad. I have done a lot of research and I have completed a sketch of what Muhammad might look like today. [holds up a file and begins to open it]
Mr. Garrison: No, don't! [Randy holds it up to reveal a poorly drawn stick figure] Is that okay to show?
Jimbo: I don't know. I guess we'll see.
Scene Description: Tom Cruise's Lodge
Hillary Clinton: Tom, what is up with this Muhammad thing? It doesn't make sense!
Jesse Jackson: Yeah, you said we were just suing South Park.
Tom Cruise: No, I said we were going to use South Park to make sure we never got ripped on again. Look, people, all of us get ridiculed, but who is the one person on this earth who is completely free from slander?
Oprah Winfrey: You want Muhammad because he can't be ridiculed?
Tom Cruise: Muhammad has a power that makes him impervious to being made fun of. What if we could harness that power? [moves over to Jimmy Buffet] Jimmy Buffet, how would you like it if nobody could ever call your music drunken frat boy monkey garbage?
Jimmy Buffett: I... I'd love it!
Tom Cruise: By taking what Muhammad has, we could all be safe from ridicule. [walks to the bar next to Tim Burton] Like Tim Burton here. Imagine it Tim; nobody could rip on you for all the rehashed movies you've made lately. There'd never be a TV show that pointed out that you have never had an original idea since Beetlejuice. And, you put Johnny Depp and all the same crappy music in every film. And if you're that in love with Johnny Depp, then you should just have sex with him already. A TV show could never say that!
Tim Burton: Gee, that'd be swell.
Tom Cruise: Well it can be a reality. Once we have Muhammad, we can take that power from him. [Cartman walks in]
Cartman: Excuse me... [the celebrities turn around] This is the home of Tom Cruise, right?
Tom Cruise: Hey! It's one of the boys from South Park who slandered me!
Cartman: I didn't come for myself. I just came as an escort for another celebrity who wants in on your lawsuit...
Michael Richards: Who? [Cartman lifts up his hand and takes off his glove, revealing fake hair and painted on lips. It is Jennifer Lopez.]
Jennifer Lopez: Alllloooo... [celebrities gasp]
Tom Cruise: Jennifer Lopez! [celebrities crowd around saying hellos to Jennifer]
Jennifer Lopez: Yes, I am Hennifer Lopez, and I like tacos and burritos.
Scene Description: Turns into the opening theme for the Super Best Friends Show. As religious figures pop onto the screen, the one to the left of the middle is blocked with a giant bar reading CENSORED
Narrator: In the great hall of the Super Best Friends, there are assembled the leaders of the world's greatest religions; Jesus! [Jesus smiles and hammers a wood board] Buddha! [Buddha pries apart the screen] Krishna! [Krishna snaps his fingers and becomes a beaver] Muhammad! [Muhammad is walking down a street, but he has been replaced with a giant bar reading CENSORED] Lao Tzu and Joseph Smith [Walking down a corridor like the opening of Scooby Doo] and... the mighty Semen! [The word "Seaman" appears on the screen, but he says semen]
Seaman: It's not semen, it's Seaman!
Narrator: [covering up a laugh] Their mission; right that which is wrong, and to serve all mankind.
Scene Description: Stan and Kyle are sitting at a table, surrounded by the Super Best Friends except for Muhammad.
Stan: Jesus, all we are asking you to do is bring Muhammad to our town for like an hour.
Jesus: My son, much has changed since you were last here. Muhammad cannot make public appearances.
Buddha: We simply cannot risk any violence from the Muslim people
Stan: Awww, not you guys too... Jesus fucking Christ!
Narrator: Back in the hall of the Super Best Friends...
Kyle: Okay, will you let Muhammad come to South Park if we dress him like a pirate?
Joseph Smith: No, Muslims would still be angry if you showed his face.
Kyle: K... what if we cover his face with a paper bag?
Lao Tzu: No, 'cause you would still be showing him walking around, that could be a-trouble.
Stan: Okay. A suit of armor? We just have Muhammad in a suit of armor so you can't see anything.
Jesus: But it's still Muhammad walking around in human form.
Kyle: Aww, come on! This is ridiculous! [pounds hands on table]
Joseph Smith: Boys, you need to understand that people get very offended when Muhammad is mocked because he is a religious figure. [snorting noise, Buddha is snorting cocaine]
Jesus: Buddha, don't do coke in front of kids! [Kyle and Stan stare open mouthed for a second]
Kyle: A U-Haul. What if we bring Muhammad to South Park in the back of a U-Haul, and he just stays in there out of sight?
Joseph Smith: But he's talking from the U-Haul?
Stan: Well yeah, he's got to talk or nobody knows he's in there!
Jesus: Hearing his voice, I don't know. What do you think Moses? [Moses is floating over in the previously unseen corner]
Moses: Um... would there be windows on the U-Haul?
Kyle: There doesn't have to be...
Moses: Um... I guess... I guess that would be okay.
Scene Description: Tom Cruises Lodge, celebrities file into a large room which has a machine on the wall
Tom Cruise: Here it is friends. Once we have Muhammad, this machine will give us the power to not be made fun of.
Russel Crowe: Tom, Tom, you're talkin' crazy, mate. Only Muhammad has that ability, how could we ever get it from him? [Rob Reiner walks in with a huge sandwich and handkerchief]
Rob Reiner: We take his goo! It's as simple as that friends. [takes a bite and wipes forehead, then walks over near Tom Cruise]
Tom Cruise: Rob Reiner has been telling me about the goo that is inside every person on earth.
Rob Reiner: Any goo can be harvested from a person's body, and easily placed into another. [wipes forehead, holds up his hand, but speaks to himself]
Cartman: Wait, wait, wait, you mean we aren't going to sue and get a bunch of money?
Tom Cruise: No Jen, we all have got enough money.
Jennifer Lopez: Yes, who needs more money, we need to get Muhammad's goo! Yes, yes, ariva ariva!
Cartman: Uh, excuse us for a second... [walks away]
Scene Description: Cartman enters an empty room and closes the door
Cartman: Alright, just what the hell do you think you are doing?
Jennifer Lopez: What am I doing? Just having some fun, cholo!
Cartman: Cut the crap, I thought we were here for lawsuit money!
Jennifer Lopez: Just keep your mouth shut, and do what I tell you!
Cartman: If we are staying here, then I want to know what is going on. Don't forget, I know who you really are... [looks at his hand, then removes his hand's hairpiece] Mitch Conner.
Mitch Conner: If you know what's good for you, you'll keep your mouth shut, kid.
Cartman: You're a no-good swindler and a 2-bit thief. We were here for money, not goo!
Mitch Conner: Think about it. Muhammad is the only person in the world who can't get ripped on. Those celebrities want his goo.
Cartman: Yeah, so what?
Mitch Conner: You know what the goo is worth on the open market? Hell, I got people in Hong Kong who'll give me 50 mil for that goo.
Cartman: So we let them take it from Muhammad, then we take it for ourselves.
Mitch Conner: You catch on quick kid... [knock at the door]
Tom Cruise: [from the other side of the door] Mrs. Lopez...
Mitch Conner: Hurry, get my wig back on! [Tom opens the door]
Tom Cruise: Hey, I was just seeing if you needed some- Oh, god [scratches the back of his head guiltily] you found my fudge packing uniform...
Jennifer Lopez: Oh, your secret is safe with me, Tommy!
Scene Description: Outside South Park Town Hall, several townspeople are standing around
Randy: Boys, we are so sorry for doubting you. You really did bring us Muhammad.
Mayor: Thank you so much for coming, Muhammad. [steps forward toward Muhammad, who is in a giant U-Haul]
Muhammad: [in a small voice] Welcome.
Mr Garrison: Oh, is that okay?
Jimbo: I don't know.
Randy: Alright, now we just need to figure out how to get Muhammad from the back of the truck into Tom Cruise's limo.
Stan: What? No, Dad, we promised the Super Best Friends that Muhammad would stay in the truck.
Gerald: Cruise's lawyers were very specific boys. He's sending a limo for Muhammad to meet him outside of town.
Kyle: But Muhammad can't be seen, Dad.
Sgt. Yates: Alright, we'll put a sheet over him.
Stan: No, you can't even show his feet.
Sheila: How about a Halloween costume with one of those plastic masks?
Mr. Garrison: No, you could still see his eyes...
Randy: Okay. How 'bout like... like a big mascot outfit? One that covered him completely, head to toe, without even showing his eyes? [Mayor walks over to U-Haul and shouts inside]
Mayor: Muhammad, would that be okay?
Muhammad: [still small voice] Okay.
Scene Description: Tom Cruise's Lodge
Hillary Clinton: Tom, Rob, we've just received word from the lawyers. South Park is saying they have Muhammad for us! [celebrities gasp]
Tom Cruise: Rob, will the machine be ready?
Rob Reiner: Oh, it'll be ready! [hits buttons on the machine's control panel]
Jennifer Lopez: [out of view] More tacos!
Jennifer Lopez: [in-view, the celebrities all turn around to look] More tacos!
Cartman: No! No more tacos Mrs. Lopez.
Jennifer Lopez: More tacos.
Cartman: You just had seven tacos.
Jennifer Lopez: I want more tacos! [Cartman gives a nervous laugh]
Cartman: I'm sorry [whisper] Why are you doing this?
Jennifer Lopez: I am Jennifer Lopez, I need tacos to live!
Cartman: [whispering] You know goddamn well you are not Jennifer Lopez, so stop pissing me off! [Charlie Sheen steps forward]
Charlie Sheen: Mrs. Lopez, I can go. What do you want, like three tacos?
Jennifer Lopez: Oh, thank you 'harlie Sheeeeen. And maybe an enchirito too?
Cartman: Aw- Jee-. They don't even make enchiritos anymore!
Jennifer Lopez: Yes they do!
Cartman: I tried getting one last week!
Jennifer Lopez: Not all Taco Bells have enchiritos, but some still carry them.
Cartman: God, will somebody shut her up?
Scene Description: South Park Town Square, several people still standing around when a limo pulls up
Randy: [facing away from view] Alright, the limo's here. Muhammad, thanks again for doing this. [A giant bear costume has been thrown over Muhammad]
Mayor: You've done this town a huge favor, Muhammad. [walks towards the limo]
Mr. Garrison: [from a distance away] Hold on a second! [runs over to the mayor]
Mr. Garrison: Stop! There's some extremists, threatening that if we give Muhammad to the celebrities, they're gonna bomb us!
Mayor: What?!
Randy: Aw. Aw, it's just a stupid threat! Come on, we don't wanna piss off Tom Cruise again. [starts walking to the limo]
Scene Description: Jared Fogle and Phil Collins sit in the limo
Jared Fogle: [On a walkie-talkie] Alright, we got him, Tom. [Everyone outside walks toward the limo, when it suddenly explodes]
Stan: Muhammad, are you okay? [Runs toward Muhammad and helps him up]
Randy: What the hell was that?!
Sgt. Yates: Obviously, the terrorists are for real! [notices a paper Garrison is holding] What does that paper say? [reads the paper aloud] We have placed bombs all over your city. You will give Muhammad to us. The celebrities want Muhammad for his power not to be ridiculed. We want that power... huzzah.
Stan: They want his power?
Kyle: What kind of extremists are these? [Yates looks over the note]
Sgt. Yates: You won't believe it...
Scene Description: The Hilton hotel's party room, which is full of red headed people, or gingers.
Lead Ginger: Our time is near! Soon, gingers will never be made fun of again!
All Gingers: [in unison] Huzzah!
Scene Description: Cartman walking down a street, keeping his hand away from himself. He has taken off Mitch Conner's fake hairpiece.
Mitch Conner: Where the hell do you think you're going?
Cartman: I'm through with your stupid plans, Conner! I've got better things to do with my time. [Mitch goes in front of Cartman]
Mitch Conner: You gonna walk away from 50 mil? [Cartman stops]
Cartman: Let me by...
Mitch Conner: You walk away now, and you will regret it the rest of your life.
Cartman: Screw this Conner. [pushes his hand away and moves on] Find yourself another partner.
Mitch Conner: Then I guess I won't tell you about your father. [Cartman stops]
Cartman: My father...
Mitch Conner: Thought that might get your attention. You know nothing about your dad, right?
Cartman: I know enough, my mother is a hermaphrodite, so she is actually my father.
Mitch Conner: You really still believe that garbage? The people in your town sold you that line. Come on, you've had to have doubted it all along. [Cartman turns around to face Conner]
Cartman: How could you know anything about who my family is?
Mitch Conner: Heh. I know all about the swindles and schemes in this dead-end town. You got lied to, kid. By the people who were closest to you. I can prove it too, but I'm going to want something in return.
Cartman: If you're making this up to keep me around Conner, the you'd better-
Mitch: You just take me where I tell you, and when you learn the truth, you will learn to trust me. And nobody else...
Scene Description: Chaos, people running around the street screaming
Barbrady: Okay, people, let's try to evacuate in an orderly fashion. Geez.
Scene Description: Mayors Office, McDaniels is pacing while the police stand around her
Sgt. Yates: Mayor, we do not have the resources to deal with this situation! A full evacuation is impossible!
Mayor: Jesus, what are we supposed to do?!
Jimbo: We have to give in to their demands.
McDaniels: I'm sorry, Muhammad, but we are going to have to give you over the gingers.
Kyle: We can't give him over to the gingers!
Stan: Yeah, we said we'd take care of him.
Gerald: But our homes and our lives are at stake.
Stan: We made a promise... to Jesus! [Randy steps forward]
Randy: Stan, Jesus doesn't matter when Muhammad is involved. [phone rings, everyone turns to look at it]
Jimbo: That'll be Tom Cruise... [Randy steps forward and slowly picks it up]
Randy: Helllo?
Tom Cruise: Yeah, so whats going on?
Randy: Uh... I'm afraid we can't... well, we can't give Muhammad to you.
Tom Cruise: What do you mean, you're not givin' him to us?!
Randy: There are these ginger fundamentalists saying that if we don't give Muhammad to them, they are going to bomb us.
Tom Cruise: Gingers?
Kanye West: Gingers? Aww, hell no.
Randy: Please, understand that we have no choice here Mr. Cruise.
Tom Cruise: You're going to give Muhammad to gingers instead of us, just because they are threatening you with violence?
Randy: Well, yeah.
Tom Cruise: Oh, we can play that game too! You want to see violence, well you got it! [throws the phone at the ground and walks away]
Tom Cruise: [pacing around and fuming] Goddamn stupid assholes! You want to play rough?! OK! Spielburg, go and get some automatic rifles! We'll go in there, and we're going to take [around here, he jumps up and down on the couch, shouting his idea, with Oprah on the other cushion] Muhammad by force! And then we are going to show them th- [Rob Reiner rushes up]
Rob Reiner: Tom, Tom. We can't be seen getting violent.
Hillary Clinton: Yeah, that would kill all our careers!
Tom Cruise: [still jumping up and down on the couch] But the only way we are going to get Muhammad from South Park now is by getting just as violent as the gingers!
Rob Reiner: Fine, then let's have Her do it.
Tom Cruise: [stops jumping] Her who?
Rob Reiner: [whisper] You know... Her.
Tom Cruise: Oh right... [Whispers] Her.
Scene Description: In the middle of nowhere, limos start pulling up and celebrities all walk up to a huge structure
Rob Reiner: There she is Tom... Barbra Streisand.
Scene Description: Zooms around Mecha-Streisand, showing her from every angle
Robert Redford: My God, she's even more terrifying than I remember.
Steven Spielberg: Tom, Barbra Streisand hasn't been active for a long time. Are we sure we want to do this?
Tom Cruise: Mrs. Streisand got torn apart in the town of South Park. She's probably more angry at that town than any of us.
Rob Reiner: Power her up! Release the Kraken! [Mel Gibson pushes a button, then flips a switch, starting up Mecha-Streisand]
Scene Description: Mecha-Streisand opens up her eyes, the Diamond on her forehead lights up, and her claws and arm saw are flexed. The gates open and she steps out to meet the celebrities. The song Barbra, Barbra is played. She kneels down and lets out a screech.
Japanese Singer: [Singing] Baabura, Baabura, ichi ban kirai na hito. (The number 1 hateful person.) Baabura, Baabura, hana ga ookii. (Her nose is big.)
Rob Reiner: [extremely casual voice] Hey Barbra. It's me, Rob Reiner. [Barbra kneels down and blows steam out of her nose, the celebrities shield their faces]
Rob Reiner: Listen, Babs, we are taking on the town of South Park and we really need your help
Tom Cruise: We figured you're pissed at South Park too, right Mrs. Streisand? [Barbra roars, turns around, and slashes the holding tower with her arm saw]
Tom Cruise: Oh, she's pissed all right.
Scene Description: Someone's house, there is a knock at the door. The door opens, and Eric is standing outside.
Mr. Garrison: Eric, what are you doing here?
Cartman: Did you all lie to me? All of you, in that room, when you told me my mother was my father?
Mr. Garrison: What? N-No Eric, are you still worried about that old issue, I mean-
Cartman: I don't trust you. I want to talk to Mr. Hat.
Mr. Garrison: Eric, I haven't used Mr. Hat in a long time, and-
Cartman: I said GET. Mr. Hat!
Scene Description: Garrison's bedroom. He reaches into a drawer and pulls out Mr. Hat.
Cartman: Put it on! [he puts it on] Do the voice.
Mr. Hat: Hello kids, it's me, Mr. Hat. [Cartman pulls his hand from behind his back, revealing Mitch.]
Mitch Conner: Good to see you Hat. Helluva night, isn't it?
Mr. Hat: I... I don't believe I know you.
Mitch Conner: The name's Mitch Conner, I flew the same division as you back in Saigon. [Mr. Garrison lowers Mr. Hat]
Mr. Garrison: Eric, this is silly, why don't we just stop-
Cartman: Keep... your hand... UP!
Scene Description: A street filled with lots of townspeople, Muhammad, and Stan
Randy: [shouting to the other side of the street] Alright gingers, we have Muhammad for you, now hand over the detonators. [huge group of gingers, all holding detonators]
Lead Ginger: Nuh uh, first you gotta prove that that is still Muhammad in there! Have him step out of the bear costume...
Townspeople: Ohhhhhhh...
Stan: Dude, we can't do that
Lead Ginger: Show us it's Muhammad or South Park is finished!
Scene Description: Back to Mr. Garrison's bedroom
Mr. Hat: Dammit, Mitch, you're asking questions that shouldn't be answered!
Mitch Conner: So you admit it. There was a cover up. [Mr. Garrison turns away]
Mr. Garrison: No, Mr. Hat, don't say anymore!
Mitch: Yeah, tell 'im whatcha know!
Garrison: Alright, Eric, your father was in the room the day of your DNA test, but the results were... tampered with.
Cartman: By who? Goddammit, Garrison, who is my father?
Scene Description: Flash to townspeople on the street, then flash to gingers on the street then flash to Mecha-Streisand roaring


Scene Description: Saigon, 1972, day. U.S. Army helicopters fly overhead. A gunner fires into the fields below
Mitch Conner: Saigon. It's a hell of a place. I've seen a lot of death. [Vietnamese and American soldiers fire at each other] A lot of suffering. Darkness that most people couldn't stand to see. [Wounded American soldiers are carried back to the helicopters] I tried to sit it out as much as I could. [a left arm exactly like Cartman's is shown. It wears dog tags, a tiny helmet, and camouflage face paint]
Soldier 1: What's the matter, Conner? You don't like a little blood?
Mitch Conner: No, I don't like a little blood. Blood ain't the stuff for eighteen year old boys from Sheboygan. Blood ain't the stuff... for Mitch Conner.
Soldier 2: Incoming! [An RPG flies into the helicopter and blows up. Cut to a MASH unit, where Mitch opens his eyes]
Army Doctor: Conner, Mitchell. You're discharged, son.
Mitch Conner: And that's that. "Pack your bags, you're headed home. Hugs and kisses from Uncle Sam." [cut to the present, where Mitch is now on Cartman's arm facing Mr. Garrison and Mr. Hat.] So how do I end up here, with a nine year old kid who just wants to know who his father is? Life is funny like that. One day you're sifting through the guts of some gook in Vietnam and the next you're playing Dr. Phil with some kid and his teacher.
Mr. Garrison: Eric, I, [faces Cartman] I'm really sorry that you were put through all this.
Mitch Conner: Sorry is a four letter word with a Y on the end. That doesn't mean anything to this poor kid.
Cartman: That's right! Tell me the truth! Now!
Mr. Garrison: [turns away] All I can tell you, Eric, is that we were all told to stick to the story to protect someone very important. I can't say more, I won't. But I'll... I'll tell you who has the answer.
Scene Description: South Park. night. The townsfolk and the gingers face off.
Randy: Look, gingers! You said you wanted Muhammad, we got him for you.
Ginger 1: We have no way of knowing if Muhammad is really in there. It could be a trick.
Stan: It's no trick, dude. My friend and I went to the Super Best Friends and brought him here!
Ginger 1: Then have him step out of the bear costume! You have until the count of ten! One!
Jimbo: Don't do it, Randy. If Muhammad is seen, we could get bombed.
Ginger 1: Two!
Sgt. Yates: Idiot, if he isn't seen, we're about to definitely get bombed.
Ginger 1: Three!
Randy: Alright, alright, stop! We'll do what you say. [turns to the bear] I'm sorry, Muhammad. Will you please step out of the bear costume? [the bear looks around, then unzips the costume. A familiar red suit and black belt appear. The arms flail a bit and the costume drops away. Santa has stepped out of the costume.]
Stan: Okay, so um, see? This is Muhammad.
Ginger 2: That isn't Muhammad, that's Santy Claus.
Santa: Sorry, boys. I tried.
Kyle: Aw crap.
Randy: Boys, you got Santa to be Muhammad? When?
Stan: When you all said you were gonna hand Muhammad over to Tom Cruise. We promised Jesus that Muhammad would stay safely in the U-Haul!
Mr. Hankey: [hops up to Kyle] I'm sorry, Kyle. I really thought my idea would work for you.
Stan: If we were gonna have someone in a bear costume, why would we actually have it be Muhammad, you fucking idiot?!
Ginger 1: So where is he?! [heavy footfalls and a mechanical roar are heard, and everyone gets afraid.]
Scene Description: Hall of Super Best Friends, night.
Announcer: Meanwhile, at the Hall of the Super Best Friends...
Scene Description: Inside. Buddha is snorting coke again.
Jesus: Buddha, will you lay off that stuff already?! It's gettin' to be a problem.
Buddha: Ohhh, and you're one to talk! With all your Internet porn!
Jesus: Watching porn isn't like doing coke, fag!
Joseph Smith: [runs into the meeting room] Jesus Christ!
Jesus: What?
Joseph Smith: We've got a distress signal coming in. [the Super Best Friends leave their seats and head for the towering screen at one end of the room]
Jesus: On the Super Best Screen!
Police Officer: Super Best Friends! You've got to help us! The Casa Bonita is under attack! [Casa Bonita is shown. Soldiers defend it by firing at Mecha-Streisand, but she just keeps walking towards it]
Jesus: Great Scott! It's Barbra Streisand! [Mecha-Streisand picks up a car and bites the front end off. The driver drops down from it, likely to his death]
Lao Tse: I thought Barbra Streisand had been destroyed by Robert Smith.
Seaman: Yeah. Who would have activated her again?
Jesus: I don't know, Seaman. [the other Super Best Friends chuckle]
Seaman: [annoyed] It's Sea-Man! [the other Super Best Friends chuckle, but their attention is again drawn to the screen. ]
Police Officer: The Casa Bonita is gone! Jesus help us!
Jesus: Jesus... That's where the boys took Muhammad. We have to stop her! [he leads the others to Docking Bay Alpha] On the Super Best Friends power cycles! [moments later, amid a cloud of steam, a platform rises, and the Super Best Friends roll off it on modified Segways.]
Scene Description: South Park Genetic Engineering - Dr. Mephesto's lab. Dr. Mephesto is inside working on an animal.
Dr. Mephesto: There there, my little mouse friend. Soon you will have more asses than you ever dreamed of. [the top of his assistant's head is shown moving towards him] Ah, Kevin. You brought me my Fonseca. That's a good boy. [a pounding is heard at the door and both men turn around] What's this? Someone is at the door, Kevin. [the pounding is heard again] We tried to be left alone, Kevin. Who would disturb us at this hour? We must be careful. [looks through the peep hole] Why, it's an African-American man, Kevin. [to the person outside] Yes? What do you want?
Person: [Mitch Conner, in blackface, wearing a wig] Yo man, sorry to bother you, but there's been an accident down the street, man. Can I use your telephone?
Dr. Mephesto: Oh I'm... terribly sorry, but I don't let strangers in.
Person: Yo, I understand, man, but this accident is real bad, dawg. My lady's leg is all busted up and shit; she all crawlin' around on the road lookin' like a crippled crab, man. I just need an ambulance, dog!
Dr. Mephesto: There's a gas station about half a mile down the road. They have a phone there.
Person: Okay, I see. I guess I understand. You just don't wanna let a black man in yo' house.
Dr. Mephesto: No, please, it isn't that at all.
Person: No, I gets it man. Thought things had changed, dog. Thought when we got a black president, things would be different. We gots our black president, but Whitey still don't trust me to use his motherfuckin' phone.
Dr. Mephesto: No wait, I'm sorry, you're right you're right, we do have a black president. Please, come in. [opens the door, which is built like that of a bank vault]
Cartman: [quickly gets in] Ahaaa!
Dr. Mephesto: WAAH!
Kevin: AAAH!
Cartman: Nice work, Conner.
Mitch Conner: Yeah, the old "Hasn't anything changed?" speech. Works on white people all the time.
Dr. Mephesto: Eric Cartman?
Cartman: Surprise to see me, asshole?! Close the door!
Scene Description: South Park, night. Mecha-Streisand rounds a corner as the townsfolk run away from her
Santa: [in the crowd] Holy crap! [as the crowd disappears, one lone boy walks towards the robot...]
Pip: Cheeri-o! My name is Pip. I would like to see if you wouldn't mind not smashing our little town to bits. [the robot walks towards him and he turns and runs] Haaah! [Mecha-Streisand crushes him under her left foot]
Scene Description: Tom Cruise's mansion, night.
Announcer: Meanwhile, at the Legion of Doom, which is Tom Cruise's house.
Tom Cruise: How do you like that?! Celebrities can get violent too!
Randy: [on the community center roof with other townsfolk] Mr. Cruise, please call Barbra Streisand off! [everyone cringes as Mecha-Streisand walks around] She's destroying everything!
Tom Cruise: We will call her off when you give us Muhammad!
Randy: We don't have Muhammad. We aren't sure where he is.
Tom Cruise: That's your problem! Get him back or Babs will kill you all!
Mickey Mouse: Oh boy!
Scene Description: South Park, night. The crowd runs down the street. Stan and Kyle see Kenny between two buildings and run up to him
Stan: Kenny! Kenny! Dude, what the hell?! You're supposed to be watching Muhammad!
Kenny: (I am. He's right here.) [a locker to his left opens up and Muhammad steps out, a black rectangle with "CENSORED" on it covering him up]
Stan: Oh thank God. Hey Muhammad.
Kyle: Really sorry about all this, dude. [to Stan] So what the heck are we gonna do now? Muhammad isn't safe here.
Stan: The gingers and celebrities all want a piece of him. I don't know where we can go.
Kyle: [thinks a bit, then snaps his fingers] Wait. No wait a minute! I've got it. I've totally got it!
Kenny: (What?)
Kyle: Remember the time when we got an elephant to make love to a pig?
Stan: [a bit surprised] ...Yeah.
Kyle: I totally know how we can give the gingers and the celebrities what they want, but keep Muhammad safe. Come on! [they all run off]
Scene Description: Raisins, night. Mecha-Streisand's right foot is on the parking lot next to an overturned car. Her left foot comes down on the restaurant and everyone inside runs out. She then moves on to Country Kitchen buffet and crushes that under her right foot. All the elderly folk get out of there right before it's destroyed.
Richard Tweek: She's going to get our coffee store next.
Mr. Slave: Ooooo, Jesus Christ. [points to behind the camera. The Super Best Friends roll into town on their cycles]
Jesus: That's enough, Barbra Streisand! Kiwaaa! [takes off his halo and hurls it at her. It bounces off her left shoulder and returns to Jesus. Barbra just gets more pissed off and turns to face Jesus. She walks towards him] Smith! Try your ice breath! [Joseph Smith steps forward and blows a stream of freezing air at Barbra's left claw. She looks at it and flexes her claws]
Joseph Smith: No good!
Seaman: Look out! Barbra Streisand is using her toxic stink ray! [Barbra unleashes a stream of brown gas from her genital area, making the Super Best Friends cough]
Scene Description: Dr. Mephesto's lab, later
Dr. Mephesto: Eric, your father never wanted this to happen. He was protecting you as well as them.
Cartman: Them who?!
Dr. Mephesto: Eric, you have to understand, it's all very complicated.
Cartman: Then start explaining it to me!
Dr. Mephesto: [heavy sigh] Very well.
Kyle: Come on, Muhammad, the door is open.
Stan: Dr. Mephesto, we need your help!
Dr. Mephesto: Oh for crying out loud, now everyone is letting themselves in! [goes to the door and locks it]
Kyle: Doctor, this is Muhammad. We want you to clone him, so we can give his copies to gingers, and Barbra Streisand.
Dr. Mephesto: Oh, all right.
Cartman: No nooo no no no! He's not doing anything except explaining who my father is!
Stan: Dude, that doesn't matter to people right now!
Cartman: It's all that matters!
Kyle: Dude, nobody gives a crap about who your stupid father is! Muhammad is an important issue with actual ethical ramifications!
Cartman: I guarantee you people care way more about who my father is!
Scene Description: South Park, night. Joseph Smith has taken flight
Announcer: In the small mountain town of South Park, the holy prophet of the Mormon religion is trying to fly up the nose of a deadly female singer. [Barbra Streisand looks around. Krishna and Seaman float by either side of her head. Smith lands on her nose, but she tries to shake him off]
Seaman: Our powers aren't working, Swallow. [The Super Best Friends float down towards Jesus]
Joseph Smith: We can't attack Streisand's nose! It's just too big!
Jesus: We have to find another weak spot! [into his cuff] Moses!
Moses: What?
Jesus: We need to know any weakness Barbra Streisand might have!
Moses: Um... Let me think... Um... Oh I know... Barbra Streisand can't resist singing duets with Neil Diamond.
Jesus: All right. I'll build a stage. Lao Tse, use mind control to get a huge audience. Buddha and Smith, use powers to find a band. Seaman, [chuckles] you and Swallow go get us sushi for dinner. [the other Super Best Friends start chuckling]
Seaman: It's Sea-Man and Swallow.
Jesus: Okay, Seaman, you guys head off!
Seaman: Fine! Swallow, come. [the other Super Best Friends chuckle]
Moses: Heh heh heheheh. No way he just said that.
Scene Description: Dr. Mephesto's lab
Stan: Alright alright, just tell Cartman who his dad is real quick so we can clone Muhammad.
Dr. Mephesto: It's a complicated story. I just can't tell him quickly.
Kyle: Then we'll wait, because we have to clone Muhammad now!
Mitch Conner: Is Muhammad more important than a little boy's broken heart?
Kyle: Oh, you are not doing that again!
Mitch Conner: Look, Mephesto, just tell this kid who his father is and you do it now!
Kyle: Stop talking with your stupid hand!
Cartman: Who you calling stupid, Jew?
Stan: Come on, guys, we're running out of time! [more knocking is heard at Mephesto's door, and Mephesto turns around]
Dr. Mephesto: Yes?
Man: Hey, I'm sorry to bother you. There's uh, been an accident and I need a phone.
Dr. Mephesto: Yeah, right, let me guess: You're an African-American.
Man: ...Well, yes I am, but I don't know what that has to do with anything.
Dr. Mephesto: Beat it I'm not helpin' you!
Kyle: Dude!
Stan: That's not cool!
Dr. Mephesto: No no, you don't understand.
Kyle: We understand you just sounded like a freakin' racist!
Stan: We don't live in the '60s anymore, you know! We have a black president!
Dr. Mephesto: Alright, alright, jeez. [walks to the door and opens it]
Ginger 1: Hahaaa!
Stan: Oh crap, the gingers!
Cartman: Gingers? No!
Scene Description: Tom Cruise's mansion
Announcer: L-later, at the Legion of Doom.
Benedict XVI: Tom, Tom! The gingers are claiming they have Muhammad!
Tom Cruise: What?! Impossible!
Benedict XVI: They are sending a message now!
Tom Cruise: On screen! [The Legion of Doom's monitor lights up and the gingers are shown with Muhammad. The lead ginger gives the Legion a raspberry.]
Ginger 1: [taunting] We got Muhammad! We got Muhammad!
Rob Reiner: He's useless to you! You can't get Muhammad's power to not be made fun of without the Rob Reiner Goo Transfer Machine!
Ginger 1: Why do you think we're calling?!
Ginger 3: Our boss is willing to share Muhammad with you if you're willing to share the goo machine with us!
Tom Cruise: ...Your ...boss?
Scene Description: The gingers' lair
Dr. Mephesto: What's going on? You got what you wanted, gingers, so let us go.
Ginger 1: Oh no no! The head ginger has plans for you!
Stan: What head ginger?! And where's Cartman?!
Ginger 2: Heheh, the head ginger has somethin' reeeally special planned for him.
Scene Description: The gingers' lair, deeper inside. Cartman walks through the cave with a flashlight.
Cartman: Hello? What the hell is this? Where am I?
Mitch Conner: You really got yourself in a mess this time, kid.
Cartman: Shut up, Conner! How about I shove this flashlight in your mouth?
Mitch Conner: You might wanna [garbled sounds as Cartman puts the flashlight in his left hand]
Cartman: Hello? I'm here, whoever you are. [a slow cackle rises from the darkness]
A Voice: Eric Cartman. I've waited a long time for this.
Cartman: Daddy?
A Voice: Guess again. [lights go one a few at a time. Carnival rides begin to appear. The Bean Dip Ferris Wheel. Chili-buster. The Chiliblast. A Hot Chili sign. A Professor Habanero chili booth. More signs come on, and the 2010 Chili Con Carnival is now live. Cartman is awed] Welcome, to my Chili Con Carnival.
Cartman: [strokes his chin and thinks] Chili Con Carnival? ...Wait a minute. ...No it can't be.
A Voice: Oh, but it can. [Cartman is looking at a throne with a staircase at its base. Six gingers stand guard on the ground and halfway up the steps. Around and behind the steps is a pile of broken baby dolls highlighted by two torches. one on either side of the stairs. The torches are topped with baby doll heads. On the throne itself sits one Scott Tenorman, with top hat and cane. His head is in the shadows] Revenge is a dish best served... [leans forward into the light] chili.
Cartman: Scott Tenorman. Eeewww.
Scene Description: South Park, night. "Live! Tonight Only! NEIL DIAMOND"
Announcer: Meanwhile, at the concert stage Jesus built with his power of super-carpentry...
Joseph Smith: [walks in with Buddha and Lao Tse] That's it, Jesus. The band has been paid and the PA system is working.
Jesus: [joins them and drops his hammer] Alright Krishna, the rest is up to you.
Krishna: [walks some distance] Form of... Neil Diamond. [poof! He is now Neil Diamond, who then goes on stage and addresses the crowd] If you all wouldn't mind, I'd like to invite a special friend to join me on stage. Miss Barbra Streisand! [Barbra hears her name and walks towards the stage]
Jesus: Let's hope to Christ this works. [Barbra reaches the stage and lowers her head to Neil - er, Krishna]
Krishna: Hello gorgeous. What do you say? Shall we sing together again like the old times? [Barbra roars and sits down on stage] Well that's because I love the girl. And I still love you now. What have you got to say? [Barbra roars, then the crowd roars] That might be true, but I still miss ya at night. [Barbra roars something] When you roll over, by my side, and you kiss me goodnight. [This excites Barbra, who roars and lets out a jet of toxic spray onto the audience. The audience members cough and try to shield themselves]
Joseph Smith: It worked, Jesus!
Jesus: Yeah. And now to find Muhammad and take down Tom Cruise!
Scene Description: Scott Tenorman's' lair
Scott Tenorman: Do you remember when you had my parents killed and fed them to me as chili? I spent quite a while in a mental institution, Eric. [two ginger kids come and escort Cartman towards a ride] A lot of time for me to learn everything about you, so that one day I could take you down. I even learned the name of your father. [the two kids place Cartman in a car and sit on either side of him. The car begins to move. Screen 1] Oh, I know you're confused. Who wouldn't be? [Screen 2] You've been lied to by everyone! [Screen 3] Even by your own mother! [Screen 4] Hahahahahahahaha. [the car goes through some double doors]
Cartman: What do you know?!
Scott Tenorman: [Screen 5] I wanted to torment you with your father's identity. But what I found was more shocking than I could have possibly guessed!
Scene Description: The gingers' lair. The goo machine has been moved there and Muhammad has been strapped into the lefthand side of the machine. Tom Cruise has been strapped to the right side
Announcer: [sounding more and more wasted] Meanwhile, at the gingers' lair...
Russell Crowe: Alright, Muhammad is secure. [moves off the machine]
Tom Cruise: Let's do this. Throw the switch, Rob. [Rob Reiner throws the switch. The power level increases on the control panel. Moments later, goo moves from Muhammad through four tubes towards a mixer, then through two tubes towards Tom Cruise. Everyone watches in anticipation] Ohhh. Uhhh. Yes! I can feel it! I can feel the power to not be ridiculed flowing through my veins! [shakes violently for a second, then the machine shuts down. A "CENSORED" bar appears over Tom] Ha. Hahahaha! [laughs heartily]
Paris Hilton: O M G it worked!
Tom Cruise: I've done it! I've done it! Look at me! I'm not okay to make fun of anymore!
Benedict XVI: Ooo you lucky fucker.
Scene Description: Chili Con Carnival - Scott Tenorman's lair. Scott has brought in Stan, Kyle, and Kenny, some gingers, and some candidates from Dr. Mephesto's DNA inquiry into Cartman's dad. Dr. Mephesto and Kevin are there too. Scott is inside a center ring next to a table on which rests a bowl of chili. Cartman is on a chair facing the bowl. Only the gingers have their hands free. Everyone else has their hands tied behind their backs
Scott Tenorman: Welcome, everyone, to the final act of my fabulous Chili Carnival!
Liane: Please, leave my boy alone!
Cartman: Mom?
Scott Tenorman: I got them all here for you, Eric! So listen while you got told the truth!
Mr. Garrison: Please don't. We have to protect 'em.
Cartman: Protect who??
Scott Tenorman: Yes, protect... who? Tell him! Mr... [points to] Jimbo! [with his cane]
Jimbo: Protect... the Denver Broncos.
Scene Description: The gingers' lair
Announcer: Meanwhile...
Tom Cruise: This is incredible. Who wants to go next?
Benedict XVI: I want to be next.
Ginger 4: No, gingers go next.
Mickey Mouse: Gingers can suck it! I'm next, ha!
Rob Reiner: It's my goo machine! I'm next!
Jesus: Nobody is going next! [Jesus, Buddha, and Joseph Smith run in while Lao Tse and Seaman drop in from above.] Muhammad is our super best friend! Let him go!
Ginger 4: They can't stop all of us! Get 'em!
Scene Description: The gingers and celebrities attack the super best friends as one. Joseph Smith blows his super breath on Sally Struthers, who freezes over.
Jesus: [fends off every ginger who runs at him.] Kyaaaaa!
Scene Description: Chili Con Carnival - Scott Tenorman's lair. Scott addresses the captives
Scott Tenorman: The Denver Broncos. [turns to Cartman] There was a right tackle, see? Who had an illegitimate child with your slut of a mom, and everyone here covered it up! To protect the Bronco name!
Mr. Garrison: They were having a really good year! There couldn't be any distractions!
Cartman: My dad was a Denver Bronco?
Scott Tenorman: Would you like to meet him? Well, you can't. Ever. 'Cause you see, Eric, we have something in common. Did I ever tell you that my father... played for the Denver Broncos?
Cartman: No- nooo.
Scott Tenorman: The only Bronco who lived in South Park. He got a little bored one week and had an affair with a slut named Liane Cartman!
Liane: No please!
Scott Tenorman: [to Dr. Mephesto] Tell him! You almost did before, but you got shot by your brother who was a Bronco fan! Tell him!
Dr. Mephesto: It's true... Jack Tenorman was your father.
Scott Tenorman: You killed your own father and then you fed him to your half... brother!
Cartman: No! Noooo!
Scott Tenorman: Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha! Now eat your chili! [shoves Cartman's face into the chili, just as Cartman had done to him a long time ago. Cartman gags on the chili. A wall explodes and the captives and celebrities rush in, followed by the Super Best Friends] The Super Best Friends? Oh no! [makes a run out of the lair. Russell Crowe smacks Buddha a few times, but Buddha fights back]
Seaman: I'll get you, Tom Cruise! [hops on him and wrestles him]
Stan: Hey look! Tom Cruise has Seaman on his back. [everyone stops and gasps. The "CENSORED" bar disappears and Tom is shown again]
Tom Cruise: What did you say?!
Kyle: Oh, yeah. Tom Cruise does have Seaman on his back.
Jesus: I guess maybe Tom Cruise likes Seaman. [everyone chuckles.]
Tom Cruise: [straightens up] Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! [Seaman gets off his back] You're not supposed to be able to make fun of me anymore! What the hell's going on?!
Scott Tenorman: [on the rafters with a jet pack on his back] I'll be back, Super Best Friends! [tales off through an open door on the roof.]
Jesus: Who's the creepy ginger kid?
Tom Cruise: Reiner, you said the goo machine would work! But I got made fun of!
Kyle: That's because there is no goo, Mr. Cruise. You see, I learned something today. Throughout this whole ordeal, we've all wanted to show things that we weren't allowed to show. But it wasn't because of some magic goo. It was because of the magical power of threatening people with violence. That's obviously the only true power. If there's anything we've all learned, it's that terrorizing people works.
Jesus: That's right. Don't you see, gingers? If you don't want to be made fun of anymore, all you need are guns and bombs to get people to stop.
Santa: That's right, friends. All you need to do is instill fear, and be willing to hurt people, and you can get whatever you want. The only true power is violence.
Stan: [smiles and tilts his head to one side] Yeah.
Scene Description: South Park, day. Reconstruction on the town begins
Mayor McDaniels: Alright, people, let's start rebuilding our town! For the 39th time.
Stan: Oh, dude, look. [Cartman is shown on a gurney, crying. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny approach him] Hey, Cartman...
Kyle: Look, man, w-we know what you learned was pretty tough to hear.
Cartman: Tough to hear? My dad was Scott Tenorman's dad. Don't you guys realize what that means?
Stan: Yeah, dude, we, we know what it means.
Cartman: My dad was a ginger!
Kyle: Wwait, what?
Cartman: I mean, obviously, I take after my mom, but I have the ginger gene inside of me!
Kyle: Dude, you killed your own dad, and you're worried about that?!
Mitch Conner: [appears] Hey, Eric, Eric!
Cartman: What?
Mitch Conner: Come on, cheer up.
Cartman: Cheer up? I'm half ginger!
Mitch Conner: Yeah, but you're forgetting, you're also half Denver Bronco. That makes you pretty cool.
Cartman: Hey, you're right. That does make me pretty cool.
Kyle: You gotta be kidding me!
Mitch Conner: Shut up, Kyle, you dumb Jew. [to Cartman] You've got Bronco blood in you, kid. That makes you awesome. Me? I should be movin' on.
Cartman: Really, Mitch? Ya, you've gotta go?
Mitch Conner: There's a bounty on my head and I can't afford to stay in one place for too long. So long... Denver Bronco.
Cartman: Take it easy, Conner. [his hand floats away, then opens up all of a sudden. He wiggles his fingers. Next shot is of Tom Cruise sitting by himself on a trash can.]
Stan: Look, Mr. Cruise, I'm sorry I said you were a fudge packer and that Seaman on your back.
Tom Cruise: I... I just can't do it anymore. I wanna go away. But there's nowhere on earth that people aren't around to rip on me.
Kyle: Hey... Hey, we know a place! We know a place where everything is just happiness and joy. And no humans are there to mess it up.
Stan: We do? Oh, oh, yeah, we do!
Tom Cruise: You... really? Somewhere where I can just ...live out my days in peace and quiet and- Oh. [stands up] Oh, please, can you show me where?
Stan: We'll do better than that. We'll help you get there.
Scene Description: The moon. Tom Cruise is shown laying next to Willzyx.