Scene Description: The Bijou, day, inside. The four boys are seated in the front row in the nearly empty theater. A couple sits near the back, just three rows behind.
Stan: Oh, cool. A preview. [the curtain goes up and the preview, for a PG-rated film, airs]
Announcer: Coming this summer [those words seem to approach the viewer], it's the classic film that changed America. E.T.: The Extraterrestrial, the new, redone version for 2002. [First, the classic shot of the kids flying across the sky with the moon in the background, then a shot of the kids taking off from the road. The police who are there to stop the kids have walkie-talkies in hand instead of guns.] All the E.T. effects have been digitally upgraded. [a shot of E.T. dressed in drag walking across a room] All the guns have been digitally changed to walkie-talkies. And the word "TERRORIST" has been changed to "HIPPIE."
Stan: Aw, dude, why would they do that?
Cartman: Yeah, hippies and terrorists are the same thing.
Kyle: No, dude. Spielberg changed "terrorist" to "hippie" to make E.T. more P.C.
Stan: That's gay. [next trailer airs. No rating seen]
Announcer: Coming this summer, it's the motion picture that changed America. Saving Private Ryan, the RE-RE-RELEASE, where the word "NAZI" has been changed to "PERSONS WITH POLITICAL DIFFERENCES," and all their guns have been replaced by walkie-talkies. [a shot of the landing at Normandy, in all its bloody glory, but all the guns are indeed walkie-talkies]
Stan: Why the hell do these directors keep updating their movies?
Announcer: And now, for your feature presentation: the classic RE-RE-RE-RELEASE of Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back.
The Boys: Woohoo!
Announcer: In this version, the word "WOOKIE" has been changed to "HAIR CHALLENGED ANIMAL" and the entire cast has been digitally replaced by Ewoks.
The Boys: [first express shock, then anger] AWWWW!!! [they leave their seats.]
Scene Description: The Bijou, day, outside. The boys exit the theater.
Stan: Goddamnit, that pisses me off!
Cartman: [they reach the ticket booth] Yeah, we want our money back!
Ticket Operator: Sorry, suckers! [quickly rolls the blinds down. The boys turn around]
Cartman: You asshole! [turns around and catches up with the other boys]
Kyle: Why don't they leave those movies alone? We liked them the way they were!
Tweek: Don't you see what this means? All our favorite movies are going to be changed, and updated, until we can't even recognize them anymore.
Stan: Tweek is right. It isn't fair for those asshole directors to keep changing their movies and making them different! Movies are art, and art shouldn't be modified!
Kyle: Yeah, what if they had modified the Roman Coliseum every year? It would just be another big douchey stadium now.
Stan: We have to do something. Let's form a club.
Cartman: Yeah! We can form a club that takes food stamps from poor people and then sells them back to the government for a profit.
Stan: No, fatass! I mean a club to protect films from their directors, so they can't be messed with!
Kyle: Yeah. We'll be the "Save Films From Their Own Directors" club.
Cartman, Stan: Yeah.
Tweek: NO! Nono, ah I don't wanna form a club! That's too much pressure! Look, ah-I'm supposed to take it easy; just, watch the clouds, sit on the grass. And, if we form a club there'll be responsibilites. Commitments!
Cartman: Tweek, now Goddamnit, we picked you to be our new friend to replace Kenny because we thought you were a team player!
Tweek: I'm not! I'm not a team player!
Cartman: Now, either you stop with these faggotronics or we'll find someone to replace YOU!
Tweek: [giving in] D'oh-ho! Oh Jesus!
Scene Description: South Park, later. The boys stand next to a phone pole and Stan nails a sign onto it. He finishes and backs up to have a good look at it.
Cartman: Dude, that sign sucks! Nobody's gonna show up!
Stan: Well what's wrong with it?
Cartman: Look at it, dude. You're not offering any fabulous prizes. You have to offer fabulous prizes if you want people to show up for your stupid crap. Here. [takes the marker and adds the words "FRee HAT" at the very end.]
Kyle: "Free hat?"
Cartman: Yeah, if you offer free hats, m-maybe people will show up.
Tweek: But we don't have hats!
Cartman: Well we can just make them out of paper.
Tweek: Aahh!
Cartman: It's not hard, it's just a stupid little paper hat. People just need free stuff - don't you guys know anything?!
Tweek: You see?? First we were just forming a club, now we have to make hats! When does it end??
Stan: Alright, let's go get the gymnasium ready. Tweek, you go make fifty hats. [walks off with Cartman and Kyle screen right]
Tweek: Fifty hats? Oh Jesus! [runs off screen left]
Scene Description: Tweek's house, later. He's at his desk in his room frantically making paper hats. His mug of coffee sits off to his left.
Tweek: Ah! I'll never make it! I'll never make it! [his father happens by and notices the commotion]
Richard: [approaching with his own mug] Tweek!
Tweek: [shrieks] Hrrr!
Richard: Calm down, son. Remember what Dr. Norris told you. Find your center.
Tweek: My center. My... center. [closes his eyes and cups his chest] Calm. [enters a state of meditation. Richard turns and leaves, his cup stays] Puppies. [he finds himself sitting in the Lotus position by the side of a serene stream in a lovely meadow. All kinds of animals frolic around him, and a small Buddhist temple sits in the background]
Cartman: [enormous face appearing over the clouds] Tweek! [brushes the clouds away with his hands] TWEEK!! [Tweek opens his eyes] TWEEK!!
Tweek: [comes out of his meditation] Gaaaaah!
Cartman: How many hats have you made?
Tweek: Oh God!
Cartman: We only have until 10 a.m. tomorrow! [slaps him hard across the back.] Get the lead out!
Tweek: Aaaah! Oh God! [Cartman turns and walks out, a rattled Tweek resumes making the hats.]
Scene Description: South Park Elementary gymnasium, next day. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman stand outside the doors waiting for Tweek, who rushes up to them with a box of hats. A poster behind them seems to have fallen off the wall.
Tweek: You guys, we have a big problem!
Stan: What?
Tweek: I was up, all night, making hats. I only slept for an hour, ...and then I dreamt about making hats, but I only made fifteen!
Kyle: Calm down, Tweek. Fifteen might be enough.
Stan: Yeah, let's see if anyone has even shown up yet. [turns and opens the door, then peeks in. The place is packed. All the bleachers are filled, and there are five rows of people standing on the gym floor. He backs out, closes the door, and turns to his friends] Dude, there's like a thousand people in there!
Tweek: A thousand? [freaks out] Oh Jesus man! I don't have nearly a thousand hats!
Cartman: They're gonna kick your ass, Tweek!
Tweek: Goohoo!
Kyle: [steps forward] Tweek! It's okay. Look, maybe these people all turned out because they believe in saving films. Maybe they don't even care about the free hats.
Crowd: [from inside the gym] Free hat! [Kyle turns right, then left, not believing what he's hearing. Tweek's jaw drops] Free hat! Free hat!
Tweek: ["Free hat!"] Oh God!
Cartman: ["Free hat! Free hat! Free hat! Free hat!"] I told you guys: never underestimate the power of a free hat.
Crowd: Free hat! Free hat!
Tweek: I gotta move away, you guys!
Stan: Relax, Tweek, we're just gonna have to go in there and explain what happened. There are more important things right now than free hats.
Scene Description: The school gym, inside. The crowd jumps up and cheers as the four boys enter and climb onstage. Some of the signs they hold read "FREE HAT," "FREEDOM FOR HAT NOW!," and "HAT DIDN'T DO IT".
Stan: [takes the mic] Okay, uh, we wanna thank you all for coming. We're really happy to see such enthusiasm for our cause.
Crowd: Yeah! Yeah!
Stan: Uh, one thing before I continue. Unfortunately we don't have enough of the... free hats for everyone. [the cheering dies down and a voice pipes up]
Skeeter: Eh- Excuse me?
Cartman: [takes the mic] Yes, we apologize, but our friend Tweek here didn't make enough of them.
Tweek: Oh! Jesus! Don't tell them it was me!
Woman: [a blonde] We don't care about that.
Tweek: You don't?
Stan: You mean, you just came because you believe in our cause?
Skeeter: Yeah. Free Hat.
Tweek: What?
Man: Hat McCullough. He was sent to prison in '82, and we believe he should be released!
Man 2: Yeah!
Crowd: Free Hat! Free Hat! Free Hat! Free Hat! Free Hat! Free Hat! Free Hat!
Stan: Aaaah, ["Free Ha-"], okay apparently there's been a bit of a misunderstanding. This is a rally to save films from their directors? [the crowd stops moving]
Man: To do what?
Kyle: We believe that films are pieces of art that must be preserved from the perverse hands of their agent filmmakers...
Skeeter: Oh. Sorry. Um, come on, everyone, guess we're in the wrong place. [the crowd breaks up and exits]
Crowd: Free Hat! Free Hat! Free Hat!
Stan: Waitwaitwaitwait! [the crowd stops] Don't you see what's happening out there? The films you all grew up with, that touched YOUR lives and are part of YOUR soul are now being updated and changed. Join us and we CAN be a group that makes a difference!
Skeeter: Can't we also work towards freeing Hat?
Stan: Uh, sure, and we'll also try to free Hat.
Some people: Oh yeeaahhh!! Raaaaah!! Woohoo!!
Crowd: Free Hat! Free Hat! Free Hat!
Scene Description: Stan's house, later. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman sit at the dining room table, with Stan counting the sign-ups.
Stan: ...212, 213, 214 members!
Tweek: [barges in through the front door] You guys! You guys! Oh God! Um, I've got terrible news!
Kyle: What?
Tweek: Ted Koppel wants us to appear on Nightline to talk about our cause.
Stan: Really? That's great.
Kyle: Yah.
Tweek: No it isn't, man! Thahat's waaay too much pressure!
Stan: If we go on Nightline, the whole country can hear about what's happening to our classic films.
Cartman: But just remember that I do all the talking.
Kyle: You?? Why?
Cartman: Because I'm the official spokesman. I got dibs on it.
Stan: When did we do dibs for it?
Cartman: Just now - [quickly, counting off with his left hand] 1 2 3 dibs! [punches his right palm with his left fist]
Kyle: Me.
Tweek: Ga-ahah!
Kyle: Alright, fine! [points to Cartman] You're the spokesman, Cartman! But you'd better not screw it up!
Cartman: What could possibly go wrong?
Scene Description: Nightline. Ted Koppel is at his desk with the four boys in the inset over his left shoulder.
Ted Koppel: A new movement is sweeping the country, led by four determined boys from South Park, Colorado. The organization was created to protect Hollywood's classic films from the hands of their directors. And also to free Hat McCullough. So boys, I ask you the question that's on everyone's minds, why does your organization want to free Hat McCullough, the convicted, confessed serial murderer of twenty-three babies?
Cartman: [blinks and looks at the camera for a long time] ...I believe that can best be answered by our official spokesman, Tweek. [the camera moves from Cartman to Tweek]
Tweek: Gaaarh!
Ted Koppel: Well, Hat McCullough admitted he killed those toddlers? Why do you want him free?
Tweek: ["TWEEK, ADVOCATE OF TODDLER MURDER" appears at the bottom of the screen] Oh, Jesus, man! ...N'ahah!
Ted Koppel: Just answer me this, Tweek: What do you see as "positive" about toddler murder?
Tweek: Ahah. U-uh. It's easy?
Ted Koppel: [ponders the possibility] Yes... It is easy. [switches gears] Alright, then on to your other cause, saving films from their directors. What got you boys interested in this, especially given your pro-toddler-murder status?
Kyle: We believe that films have to be taken away from people like Steven Spielberg and George Lucas because they're insane.
Ted Koppel: Well I'm glad you said that, boys, because joining us now are Steven Spielberg and George Lucas. [they walk in and stand behind the boys. The boys look at them a bit awed]
Tweek: Oh Christ! Wwwaaaaaaah!
Steven Spielberg: [wearing a CSLB jacket and director's hat] Hello, Ted.
George Lucas: [meekly] Oh hi, Ted.
Ted Koppel: Gentlemen, these toddler-murder fans think you're insane and shouldn't be allowed to alter your films. Your response?
Steven Spielberg: Well, first of all, both George and I are very firmly against the murdering of toddlers.
George Lucas: Hear hear.
Cartman: [to Stan] Dude, that's Steven Spielberg and George Lucas. [resumes gawking at the two]
Tweek: Get me out of here! Please, somebody get me out of heeerre!
Steven Spielberg: And as for altering our films, all we're doing is trying to reach a... new audience with our movies. As the makers of dreams, we like to speak ...for the children.
Kyle: Ah, we thought we were speaking for the children.
Cartman: Yeah, we're children.
Stan: Uh-look, if the Beatles went back and updated their White Album every few years, what would we have now?
Cartman: Yeah, these guys are only motivated by money, Ted.
Ted Koppel: How so?
Cartman: Think about it. Spielberg? Jew. Lucas? Jew. Kyle? Jew. Coincidence?
George Lucas: I'm not a Jew! [crosses his arms in anger]
Steven Spielberg: You little brat-! Ah, I mean, you darling children don't know what you're talking about. Changing E.T. was the best thing I ever did.
Kyle: Dude, don't you see that it's not? It'd be like, changing Raiders of the Lost Ark!
Steven Spielberg: [a stroke of brilliance overcomes the two men for a few seconds] Wait a minute. What'd you say?
George Lucas: Eh, that's brilliant!
Steven Spielberg: Yes. Change Raiders of the Lost Ark! Why didn't we think of it before?!
Kyle: [regretting the comparison] No. NOO!!
Scene Description: South Park Elementary School Gym, next day. "SAVE FILMS FROM THEIR DIRECTORS AND FREE HAT MEETING TODAY." The boys stand before the new club once again.
Stan: Members, this is our darkest hour. We've just learned that George Lucas and Steven Spielberg now intend to update and change Raiders of the Lost Ark. [the crowd begins to murmur] There's only one way we can stop this important and historical piece of art from being harmed. Mr. Secretary? [hands the mic to Cartman, who moves over to an easel]
Cartman: Thank you. [turns a page up and over. A schematic of George Lucas's Skywalker Ranch is shown] Our intelligence tells us that the original negative to Raiders of the Lost Ark is currently somewhere in George Lucas's house. We need to find and usurp that negative.
Man 3: And if we get a hold of the negative they can't change the movie?
Stan: That is our understanding.
Woman: Sounds like a good idea to me. I don't want them to change Raiders of the Lost Ark.
Crowd: YEAH!
Skeeter: Yeah! We should go get that negative as soon as we get Hat free!
Crowd: YEAH! [the signs go up] Free Hat! Free Hat! Free Hat!
Kyle: [rushes to the mic] Nonono! We need to do this first.
Woman: But we have to free Hat.
Stan: It's just that, you know, he killed twenty-three babies.
Man 4: Well yeah, but it was in self-defense!
Crowd: YEAH!
Cartman: He... killed... twenty-three babies in self-defense?
Skeeter: Hat was attacked maliciously and unprovoked by a gang of babies in West Town Park. When that many babies get together they can be like piranha.
Man 5: Three eyewitnesses testified that if Hat hadn't killed those babies, they'd have killed him!
Crowd: YEAH! [the signs go up] Free Hat! Free Hat! Free Hat!
Stan: Alright alright. But right now we've gotta focus on getting those original prints of Raiders.
Skeeter: He's right. We'd better split up. Some of you go with the boys and get those film prints, the rest of us come with me to go talk to the governor about freeing Hat.
Crowd: YEAH! [the signs go up and the crowd moves out. Not one of them stays with the boys] Free Hat! Free Hat! Free Hat! Free Hat! Free Hat! Free Hat! Free Hat! Free Hat!
Stan: Well, it looks like we're gonna have to do this ourselves.
Tweek: No! That's it! I'm out! I can't deal with the stress you guys create! [walks off the stage]
Kyle: We're just gonna fly to California and break into George Lucas's house. What's stressful about that?
Tweek: Hwaaah!
Cartman: [rushes up to stop Tweek] Okay, Tweek, let me tell you something: You've been our new friend now for two weeks, okay? And I've gotta be honest with you, it isn't going well.
Tweek: Haaah!
Cartman: People aren't that into you, Tweek. They find you kind of annoying. Now, I say you've got one last shot here, and I don't want you to blow it, okay? Does that help take the stress off?
Scene Description: Skywalker Ranch, night. Inside the camera gets a view of Lucas's library. Among the items there are various props from his Star Wars films, four Emmys, four Oscars... the door opens and a flashlight scans the room. Stan, holding the flashlight, walks in with the other boys.
Stan: Okay, go. [the other boys, with their own flashlights, pour in]
Tweek: [trying to stay composed, with eyes closed] I'm not breaking into George Lucas's house. I'm not breaking into George Lucas's house. I'm in a green field.
Cartman: [draws near] Stop, Tweek! This is not the time for faggocity! [walks off]
Kyle: [eyeing a prop] This looks like the right room.
Tweek: I'm in a field... surrounded by deer.
Stan: [finding the video library] Over here! [the other boys join him at the stacks. They see "Star Wars Episode 1, Version 300," "Star Wars Episode 1, Version 301," "Star Wars Episode 1, Version 302," etc., then "First Day of School" and "First Day of School, Digitally Enhanced," then "Wedding Video" and "Wedding Video, Digitally Enhanced." The camera scans past "Kids First Swimming Lesson" and "Kids First Swimming Lesson w/ Digitally Enhanced Weather" to stop at the reel of "Raiders of the Lost Ark, Original Negative 1982."]
Kyle: That's it!
Cartman: Alriiight! Get it, Tweek!
Tweek: Huh uh.
Cartman: Get it, you piece of crap, before I grab your nutsack and twist it!
Tweek: Guh huh huh! [walks off and returns with a stool. He climbs up on it and gets the reel canister. The door opens behind the boys and the lights go on]
George Lucas: What are you doing?! [the boys turn in horror]
Tweek: Oh God! Oh Jesus!
George Lucas: You're the boys from that ...stupid club. Give me that! [grabs the film reel from Tweek]
Tweek: [hops off the stool] Aaaaaah!
Kyle: Do with us what you will, Mr. Lucas! [goes down on his right knee] But please, don't change Raiders of the Lost Ark.
George Lucas: We're gonna make it better. The movie's gonna be changed, and that's that!
Cartman: Alright, you asked for it. I'm afraid you leave us no choice. It's time for Plan B.
Stan: Aw, really?
Tweek: Oh God, no! Not Plan B! [Lucas looks at the boys quzzically]
Cartman: [beat] You have a heart made of ice, Mr. Lucas, and so we're goin' tuh melt your icy heart... with a cool island song. Gentlemen? [the boys reach for the left side of their bodies and rip off their clothes. Underneath they wear colorful Latin outfits and grin.]
George Lucas: [confused] ...What??
Cartman: Hit it, Tweek! [Tweek goes over to a boombox and presses the play button, then returns to the group. Caribbean music plays] In the tropical isles with the coconut trees, there's a lots of-
Stan: Waitwaitwaitwaitwait. I thought we were gonna cool his hot heart with a cool island song.
Cartman: ...No, he has an icy heart.
Kyle: ...But you can't melt ice with a cool song, r-tard.
Stan: So we have to warm his icy heart with a "hot" island song.
Cartman: It's a cool island song.
Kyle: Well then we're gonna end up freezing his hellish heart with a cool island song.
Cartman: Oh, do we wanna do that?
George Lucas: ALRIGHT, that does it!
Scene Description: Skywalker Ranch, day, Lucas's living room. The boys stand behind Lucas as he talks on the phone with someone.
George Lucas: [listening] Yes, thank you, officer. [hangs up and walks around the boys] The police are on their way, boys. [stops and faces them] Soon you'll be in jail getting RAMMED!
Tweek: [freaks out] Aaaahh!
Stan: Those rams can do to us what they will, Mr. Lucas, but we'll never stop trying to protect films. [Lucas looks at them]
Kyle: It's not too late to do what's right. Give us the print. There's still some good in you, Mr. Lucas. We know there is. [Lucas hangs his head in shame and turns away]
George Lucas: It is... too late for me, boys.
Kyle: You yourself led the campaign against the colorization of films. You understand why films shouldn't be changed.
George Lucas: M-that's different. These are my movies. I made them, and I have the right to do whatever I want with them.
Stan: [steps forward] You're wrong, Mr. Lucas. They're not your movies. They're ours. All of ours. We paid to go see them, and they're just as much a part of our lives as they are of yours.
Kyle: When an artist creates, whatever they create belongs to society.
George Lucas: Have I... become so old that I've forgetten what being an artist is about?
Stan: Give the print to us so that we can protect it from Spielberg and anyone else who wants to alter it.
George Lucas: [turns and approaches them] Perhaps... you are right. [presents the reel to Stan, but a door opens...]
A voice: STOP! [Lucas is startled and the camera pans to Steven Spielberg and three guards] What are you doing, George?!
George Lucas: Steven, Uh, I-
Steven Spielberg: Give me that print, George! We need to make the alterations!
George Lucas: Steven, these boys had a point. I don't remember what it was, but it was good.
Steven Spielberg: You haven't let these doe-eyed children affect your judgment, have you, George?! [voice lowers] Don't forget: you belong to me.
Kyle: Don't listen to him! You still have a chance to preserve your film! [Lucas, stuck between the two arguments, stops and thinks...]
George Lucas: I'm... ah I'm sorry, boys. [slowly walks to Spielberg and presents the reel. Spielberg snatches it away]
Steven Spielberg: [cackles] Now take the children prisoner! [the guards approach and surround the boys]
Kyle: What??
Steven Spielberg: You troublemakers shall be my guests of honor at the premiere of the NEW Raiders of the Lost Ark! Your gay little club is over!
Stan: Fuck you, Steven Spielberg! Come on, you guys! [the boys turn and make their way to the door]
Tweek: [runs] Oh my God they're gonna kill us. [the guards block the way, and the other three boys are stuck. Kyle tries to get around a guard, but...]
Guard 1: [aims his walkie-talkie at him] Don't even think about it, kid! I'm not afraid to use this walkie-talkie!
Guard 2: The one with the cocaine-problem escaped, mein Direktor.
Steven Spielberg: Leave him!! Let him run back to his mommy! [strokes the reel canister] We must get the film ready for the premiere. [turns and walks off] Lucas! Come! [Lucas, shame-faced, turns and follows Spielberg out. The boys look at the guards]
Scene Description: A commercial.
Announcer: ["COMING THIS SUMMER"] Coming, this summer! ["RE-RELEASE OF EPISODE 1 SOUTHPARK"] It's the digitally-re-enhanced re-release of the very first pilot episode of South Park! [scenes from "Cartman Gets An Anal Probe" play - the cafeteria, the boys walking down the street, Stan, Kyle, and Wendy in the woods, Stan and Kyle at Stark's Pond...] Yes, the classic, rough, hand-made first episode is getting a make-over for 2002! [the visitors are shown, then new 3D versions are shown] The simple, funny aliens are now super-badass and kewl! [the mothership is shown beaming Cartman up, then a much more intricate version is shown] The flying saucer? No longer cheap construction paper, but a 4.0 megapixel nondrop digital masterpiece of technology! Yes! Everything's new! New is better!
Trey Parker: [bearded] When we first made South Park, we didn't wanna use construction paper. We just had to because it was cheap.
Matt Stone: And now with new technology we can finally remaster South Park, make it look sharp, clean and focused.
Trey Parker: Expensive. [Both men nod their heads]
Announcer: [The flames coming from Cartman's ass are replaced with a 3D version, and cars and people are added to the scene] Yes, all the charm of the simple little cartoon [a model of the new ship is rotated to a new position] will melt before your eyes as it is replaced by newer and more standardized animation!
Trey Parker: [a shot of him, then of the bus stop with the boys waiting for the bus. New creatures enter the scene] For instance, in the scene at the bus stop, we always meant to have Imperial walkers and giant dewback lizards in the background, but simply couldn't afford it.
Announcer: [A special-edition DVD of CGAAP "new version for 2002" is shown. "ACT NOW" blinks on the screen over the DVD] Get this special enhanced version quick, because another enhanced version will likely be coming out for 2003!
Scene Description: School Gym, sometime later. "URGENT" in white has been scrawled over the sign next to the door. Tweek stands onstage inside, facing the gathered club.
Tweek: Members, uuhh, oh Jesus, uh, we have to do something! Our club president [Stan], treasurer [Kyle], and secretary [Cartman] have all been taken hostage by Steven Spielberg! Haaa!
Man 3: Prisoner? You mean, like Hat?
Tweek: [grits his teeth, shuts his eyes and bows his head in frustration] Yes, just like Hat!!
Skeeter: But the governor won't pardon Hat. So how can we get him out of prison? [the other members grumble]
Tweek: No! Listen to me! We're not talking about Hat right now, okay?! Gad!! Look, we went to George Lucas's house a-and tried to melt his icy heart with a warm island song, but then Spielberg showed up and took three of our members prisoner! They're goin' to premiere their new Raiders of the Lost Ark, and we have to rescue them! Do you understand?!
Woman: Hey, he's got a point there.
Man 6: [a rancher] Yeah... Maybe we could melt the governor's icy heart with a cool island song!
Members: [scattered reaction] Yeah.
Tweek: No!
Skeeter: No?
Man 7: No! He's right. We have to freeze his hot heart with a cool island song.
Woman: Or is it freshen his hot temper with a cool island song?
Man 8: Let's cool his hot temper with a fresh island song.
Man 9: That's it!
Man 10: Let's go! Come on! [the members rally and take off]
Tweek: Oh God. I'm gonna have to do this myself. Oh God!
Scene Description: Excess Hollywood. Raiders of the Lost Ark is featured.
Pat O'Brien: Well, the print is finished and the day has come. Tonight, Steven Spielberg and George Lucas [shown] will be at the premiere of the new special edition of Raiders of the Lost Ark. Lots of celebrity guests and other rich people will be on hand to witness all the updated effects and modernized technology.
Scene Description: A desert. Spielberg leads a group of people to the site of the premiere. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman are among the guests, but their hands are tied behind their backs. Four people follow carrying a large box from two long poles. The box reads "FINAL PRINT RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK 2002" The three guards are there with Spielberg and Lucas, and Francis Ford Coppola has joined the lead pack. The camera follows the group, but slowly pulls back until Tweek appears with a bazooka on his shoulder.
Tweek: Hello!
Steven Spielberg: [moves forward and takes a hard look at the figure on the hill] The kid? The tweaked out kid?!
Tweek: I'm gonna blow up the print, Spielberg! [the other boys try to sneak away, but the guards are around them quickly]
Steven Spielberg: Your pesistence surprises even me. [begins to fan himself with his hat]
Francis Ford Coppola: [steps forward] Surely you don't think you can escape from this premiere.
Tweek: [fixes his aim on his target] That depends on how reasonable we're all willing to be. All I want are my friends.
Cartman: Wow.
Tweek: Except for Cartman - you can keep him.
Cartman: AY!
Francis Ford Coppola: And if we refuse?
Tweek: Then your premiere has no movie!
Stan: He's definitely lost it.
Kyle: Yup.
Steven Spielberg: [moves around to clear the area] Okay, okay. Stan- stand back, stand ba- stand back! Back! [people move away] Okay kid, you win. [puts on his hat] Blow it up. [some guards try to get the box, but Spielberg takes a walkie-talkie and forces them back] Zuroch! Zuroch! [turns and faces Tweek] Blow it back to God. [Tweek trembles, but his aim doesn't waver] All your life has been the pursuit of seeing a great film! This new version of Raiders has digital effects beyond your wildest dreams! You want to see it screened just as much as I. [Tweek grunts, showing he may be breaking]
Kyle: Come on, Tweek! Blow it up!
Steven Spielberg: [turns, walks to the box, and stands next to it] Son, we are simply passing through history. This... is imPROVED history. [Tweek stalls. The boys wait for Tweek's next move] Do as you will. [backs away, leaving the box clear. Tweek struggles, but lowers the launcher. Three guards appear behind him]
Scene Description: The governor's office, day. The governor is at his desk, bored. The Free Hat club members break out in song.
Members: In the tropical isles with the coconut trees, the air is fresh and the people are free.
Man 5: But here in the mountains there's no freedom like that.
Skeeter: There's a man in prison and his name is Hat. [the governor looks up a bit surprised]
Scene Description: A sign saying "RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK Premiere Tonight" has alternating blinking lights. The camera moves off the sign and onto the makeshift open-air theater. Two men bring forth the Ark of the Covenant, which was in the box. The men move off. The audience is seen, with the four boys in the very back. Stan and Kyle are tied to one post, Tweek and Cartman to the other. Spielberg, dressed as a High Priest, approaches the Ark.
Steven Spielberg: [moving his arms over the Ark] Hafaa malifi! Thanks for coming, everyone. [the two men return, remove the lid, and walk off with it. A third man reaches inside the Ark and pulls out the "RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK NEW AND IMPROVED 2002" reel] This is the birth of the NEW version of Raiders of the Lost Ark! We shall screen it here, and then destroy all the old prints in celebration!
Audience: Hooray! All right!
Steven Spielberg: Begin the film! [a man loads the film and plays it. On screen, three men appear and approach a mountain]
Audience: [impressed] Whoa.
Stan: [pleading] You guys, close your eyes. Don't look at it.
Tweek: Ah, what?!
Stan: [pleading] Don't watch the movie, you guys. It'll be terrible. Close your eyes! [the boys quickly turn away, shut their eyes, and bow their heads]
Audience: [impressed] Whoa. Ahhh.
Steven Spielberg: It's beyooootiful. [a scene of Indiana Jones using a whip to swing across a chasm. Flaming arrows shoot past him. As he lands on the other side, natives approach. They look and chatter like Ewoks]
Viewer 1: Wait a minute. This version is awful!
Viewer 2: Yeah! They ruined it!
Viewer 3: Oh my God, it's terrible! [George Lucas is suddenly frightened stiff. Coppola is also frightened. The boys keep their eyes closed and away from the screen]
George Lucas: AaaaAAAAA!!
Scene Description: The three men huddle, frightened as they are. On screen, Indy is reaching for a golden item. Rays of light alight from the screen and move out over the audience, shooting through the viewers' chests and killing them. Coppola, Lucas, and Spielberg are overwhelmed with the energy from the rays. The men become disfigured, then their faces melt away. Spielberg's head explodes. The rays diffuse, then gather back into the Ark. The spirits of all killed are gathered into the Ark as well. The lid lands on the Ark perfectly with a final roll of thunder. A few second laters, when all is quiet, Stan raises his head and looks around.
Stan: Yuh, you guys okay. [the others open their eyes. The ropes that bound them are gone]
Kyle: Yeah. I I think so.
Cartman: Man, that new version must have sucked balls.
Scene Description: South Park, day. A celebration is taking place at South Park Square. An orchestra performs below the stage. The boys are onstage watching it all. A man, a mayor's aide, walks up to the mic.
Aide: Today is a day of celebration, and we owe it all to these four brave young boys. [The four boys grin]
Townsman: Yeah! Alright!
Aide: And thanks to the bravery of this young man in particular, [Tweek smiles proudly] ...Hat McCullough is finally free from prison! [the smiles fade from the boys' faces]
Townsfolk: Yeah! Woohoohoo!
Kyle: ...What? [a thin balding man with creepy appearance walks onstage and waves to everyone]
Townsfolk: Hat! Hat! Hat! Hat! Hat! Hat! Hat! Hat! Hat! Hat!
Hat McCullough: Thank you everyone-KILL! KILL THE INNOCENT!! Uh, I'm so thankful for all your support-RAPE THE VIRGINS!! And uh, I just wonder if i could get a baby real quick? [grins in a creepy way. The crowd falls silent for a moment]
Skeeter: Sure. Give that man a baby!
Townsfolk: Yeah! Woohoohoo! [the aide comes onstage holding a baby in his arms. Hat looks at the baby sinisterly. The baby senses this and quickly crawls up the aide's arm and onto his shoulder]
Stan: Come on, you guys. Let's get out of here. [the boys turn and walk off. Tweek can't help but look at the baby's fate]
Tweek: Oh my God!
Scene Description: South Park, day. The boys walk away from the celebration and down the street.
Kyle: Do you think we did a good thing, Stan? [the boys stop] I mean, no one even seemed to notice.
Stan: Yeah well, sometimes the things we do don't matter right now. Sometimes they matter... later. We have to care more about later sometimes, you know? I think that's what separates us from the Steven Spielbergs and George Lucases of the world.
Cartman: That and youth. Those guys are old.
Tweek: But what about the original prints of Raiders of the Lost Ark? What if somebody else takes them and tries to change them?
Stan: Don't worry, Tweek. It's somewhere safe. Somewhere where... nobody will ever find it.
Scene Description: A secret warehouse. Someone packs all the original prints of Raiders of the Lost Ark into a large box. He nails the box shut and adds a lock. He puts the box on a dolly and carts it off down a long corridor. On each side are other boxes and crates of stuff put there so as not to cause any more harm to anyone. Among the stuff in the warehouse - RED CROSS 9/11 Relief Funds. Dramatic music plays the episode out.


Scene Description: Cartman's house, morning. Stan, Kyle, and Tweek show up. Stan rings the doorbell. Liane comes to the door.
Liane: Oh, hello boys.
Stan: Hi. Uh, the school called and said we all have to start going to class again.
Liane: Oh, but I thought your teacher died.
Kyle: She did, but now they're saying we have to start going back to school anyways. It's totally gay.
Liane: Oh. Well, I'll tell Eric. He's just down in the basement playing with his dolls. [turns and walks off]
Tweek: Cartman likes to play with dolls?
Scene Description: Cartman's basement. He's playing with a rubber lamb at the edge of a hole in the floor.
Cartman: [strokes the lamb and sets it aside] Hello, Precious. Yes, that's a good Precious. [grabs a basket with a bottle of lotion sitting inside and lowers it down the hole. The basket stops when it reaches Polly Prissy Pants, which sits at the bottom of the hole] Now it takes the lotion from the basket.
Polly Prissy Pants: [Cartman voicing] Oh please, mister. Please let me out of here.
Cartman: It puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again.
Precious: [Cartman voicing] Bark bark bark bark!
Cartman: Yes, that's a good Precious. Okay, now it puts the lotion back in the basket.
Polly Prissy Pants: Please, mister, let me out.
Cartman: It puts the lotion back in the basket!
Polly Prissy Pants: I miss my mom, mister. I wanna see my-
Cartman: [throws a fit] Put the lotion in the fucking basket!
Liane: Sweetie.
Cartman: Yes, mom?
Liane: You have to get ready for school.
Cartman: [thinks a bit, then looks up] No, our teacher's dead. Remember?
Liane: Yes, but they said two weeks off was enough, and they want everyone back.
Cartman: [pause] Two weeks isn't enough. I'm not over our teacher's tragic death. I'm still sh-shooken up.
Liane: You'll get over it, honey.
Cartman: [starts to throw another fit] But I wanna plaaayyy!
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, Fourth Grade. The kids pour into the classroom, chattering. Wendy walks up and starts talking to Red and Annie.
Wendy: I can't believe it's been two weeks since I've seen you guys. What have you been doing? [Bebe walks in]
Bebe: Hey guys.
Wendy: Hey Bebe.
Bebe: You guys, uh, [holds out her arms] notice anything different? [looks down at her body]
Wendy: [the three girls gaze] Oh my God, Bebe. You got boobs!
Bebe: Yeah, they started coming in last week. At first I thought they were just mosquito bites, but, then they didn't go away.
Mr. Mackey: [enters the classroom and walks past the girls] M'kay, kids, let's take our seats, m'kay? [the girls take their seats] I know this has been a difficult couple o'weeks for you all with the untimely death of your teacher, but it's time for us to try to move on and learn, m'kay?
Cartman: Mr. Mackey, I don't think I'm over the teacher's tragic death yet. I need more time. It's just... it still hurts, you know? Can I go home?
Mr. Mackey: No. Eric, what we're gonna do is learn to hide our emotions with math problems. [turns, grabs some chalk, and starts writing on the board] M'kay, so let's start with some multiplication tables over here, m'kay. First we'll do, uh, four times four, m'kay?
Kyle: Dude, look at Bebe. ["We'll move into the five times thing." Bebe is busy taking notes. "We'll try five times three..."] Something seems different about her.
Stan: Yeah, I noticed that too. Did she get a haircut or something?
Kyle: I don't know. [Bebe continues writing]
Clyde: Hey, Token. You know, I never really noticed before, but that girl Bebe is... kinda cool.
Token: I was just thinking the same thing. It's like, she's a girl, but, she's someone you could hang out with.
Butters: [pipes up behind Annie] Yeah. Bebe is kinda cool, huh? [Bebe continues writing]
Cartman: Hey Craig, is that the same shirt that that Bebe chick always wears?
Craig: I don't know. Why?
Cartman: It just... it just seems like a really awesome shirt.
Craig: Yeah. It kinda does. [Bebe continues writing, but stops and looks to her right. All the boys are looking at her, all the girls look at the board.]
Mr. Mackey: Okay, and so uh, [Bebe is looking back, wondering why the boys keep staring at her] so who can tell me the answer to the first problem, six times eight? Uh, Bebe?
Bebe: [breaks the stare and answers] Oh, uh, forty-eight?
All the boys: Whoa.
Clyde: That is an awesome answer!
All the boys: Yeah!
Kyle: Dude! Bebe is really smart!
Stan: Yeah. I never noticed that before. Maybe she's actually cool enough to hang out with us.
Cartman: Yeah, may be.
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, later. Three girls walk to class: Wendy, Bebe, and Red. Wendy is talking.
Wendy: ...But I was like, "I'm not buying those shoes for twenty dollars." [the girls stop and giggle]
Stan: [arriving with a group of boys: Kyle, Cartman, Token, Butters, Tweek, and Clyde] Ah, hey, Bebe.
Bebe: Yeah?
Stan: Uh, we're gonna go throw rocks at cars later on, and we thought maybe you'd like to join us.
Bebe: Really? [Wendy and Red look at her] I've never done that before.
Butters: [Stan and Kyle part a bit for a better view] Wuuhh, it's really fun. You toss these little rocks at cars, and if the driver gets angry, you blame me.
Kyle: Yeah, it's cool.
Bebe: Well sure, that sounds hella fun.
The boys: Hahahahahaha...
Kyle: Yeah.
Stan: Hella fun.
Cartman: Right, heh.
Clyde: Wow, hella fun. That's awesome.
Token: I'm gonna start saying that now.
Stan: Cool. [the boys turn as one and walk back the way they came] We'll see you later, Bebe.
Wendy: [Wendy catches up to Stan. The boys are grinning. Stan stops and looks] Stan, you've never asked me to throw rocks at cars with you guys.
Stan: That's different, dude. You're like, my girlfriend. Bebe's just... I don't know. She's just cool. [turns and walks off]
Kyle: [looks over his shoulder] Yeah. She's really cool. [Wendy gets upset]
Clyde: It's weird how we never noticed before. [Wendy looks back at Bebe, who just shrugs]
Scene Description: A hill just outside of town. The boys and Bebe are gathered at the summit.
Stan: So what you do, see, is you wait for a car to drive by that big pine tree. Then you chuck a rock at it. It's all about the timing. [he throws a rock towards the road and the others look at the trajectory. A blue pick-up truck drives by and is hit]
Driver: You damn kids!
Bebe: Cool.
Clyde: You try it, Bebe.
Bebe: Okay.
Token: Here comes a sedan. [Bebe throws a rock at the red sedan and hits it]
Driver: You damn kids!
The boys: Awesome!
Butters: Cool! [close up] That was the most perfect throw I've ever seen.
Kyle: That was sweet, Bebe. [shows her another rock and another grip] Now, if you just hold the rock like this, you-
Clyde: Yeah. [grabs a hold of the rock and pulls it a bit] Here, it's like if you put your thumb on this side-
Kyle: [pulls back] I'm showing her.
Clyde: [pulls back] Yeah, just let me show her real quick how to put the thumb and-
Kyle: [gives an ape look and smacks Clyde, who lets go of the rock] Hoh!
Clyde: [grunts back and moves off] Hoh hoh hoh! [Bebe is stunned at this development]
Kyle: Hoh! [watches, then reverts to normal and talks to Bebe. Stan moves in] Anyways, you put a spin on it by holding it here and-
Stan: [grabs the rock and demonstrates] Yeah, and then you can actually hold it like this. Now-
Kyle: [peeved] Hoh! Hoh hoh hoh hoh! [Bebe backs up, scared]
Stan: Hoh hoh hoh!
Kyle: Hah hah hah!
Craig: [beats his chest] Urh urh urh! [all the boys start grunting and displaying aggression]
Bebe: Uh. Listen guys, um, it's five-thirty. I'm supposed to get home, so... I'll see you later. [leaves. The boys continue grunting and putting on displays. She walks faster the farther she moves from the boys. The boys notice her absence and stop.]
Stan: [beat] ...Wait, what were we doing again?
Kyle: We were throwing rocks at cars.
The boys: Oh yeah.
Cartman: Woohoo.
Butters: [points] Uh there comes an SUV. [Token throws a rock and hits the SUV]
Jimbo: You damn kids!
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, next day. The kids are in their seats. Bebe is the last kid to enter class and find a seat.
The boys: Hi, Bebe.
Bebe: Hey everybody.
Wendy: [rolls her eyes and rests her head on her right hand] Oh, for Christ's sake!
Mr. Mackey: [arriving, puts his textbooks on the teacher's desk] M'kay. Kids, yesterday I asked you to write a paper to read aloud for the class. Now, who wants to start? [Clyde raises his hand] M'kay, Clyde?
Clyde: [picks up his paper and starts] My paper is called, "Why Bebe is the coolest person, ever".
Stan: Hey, that's what I wrote about!
Butters: Me too!
Clyde: [grunts] Hoh!
Stan: [grunts and pounds his desk] Hah hah, hah! [the other boys start grunting like apes]
Mr. Mackey: Uuuuh-okay. Go ahead, Clyde.
Clyde: [glowers at Stan, then reads] "My friend Bebe is really smart. She tells funny jokes and knows a lot about stuff. She's good at almost everything she tries. She's awesome. The end." [some applause]
Mr. Mackey: M'kay, very nice, Clyde. Uh, Token, why don't you read your paper?
Token: [picks up his paper and reads] "If I could be Bebe." [Wendy is miffed and rolls her eyes] "If I was Bebe, I would have lots of friends because I would be sooo great. I would make people smile and think wherever I went."
Mr. Mackey: [takes a moment to think, then] M'kay, interesting, Token. Uh... Who would like to go next? [the rest of the boys raise their hands energetically and make small sounds to get Mackey's attention] Uh, how about someone who didn't write about how cool Bebe is?
The boys: [softly] Oh. [they lower their hands. Bebe raises hers]
Mr. Mackey: M'kay, Bebe?
Bebe: [picks up her paper and reads] "My cat Thumper."
The boys: Wwooww.
Bebe: [sees the reaction and continues reading] "Thumper is gray with a white spot. Sometimes he likes to chase his tail." [the boys break out in laughter]
Clyde: Chase his tail? That must be so funny!
Bebe: "Thumper is twelve years old. That's pretty old for a cat. The end."
The boys: Wwooww!
Cartman: God, you know what? That's so true. Because, you sometimes never really think about how old a pet is until it's gone.
Craig: That's true, huh? Man, that really makes me reflect on my pets.
Stan: That's such a great paper! [starts clapping. The other boys join in the applause]
Mr. Mackey: M'kay. Wendy, why don't we hear your paper?
Wendy: [picks up her paper and reads] "The new Cold War."
Cartman: Oh God! Here we go again! Dork alert! [the boys crack up]
Scene Description: South Park Elementary cafeteria. Wendy is talking to Red, Millie, and Esther.
Wendy: But, then the mall closes at four or five o'clock, so who knows w-
Clyde: [arrives with Kyle, Token, Craig, Bradley, and Francis] Hey, have any of you dumb girls seen Bebe anywhere?
Wendy: [angrily] No!
Kyle: Maybe she's in the lunch line.
The boys: Yeah.
Wendy: Can you believe Bebe? She thinks she's so cool all of a sudden.
Millie: I can't stand her anymore! She's such a slut!
Esther: She's a total slut!
Red: You know what I heard? I heard that she made out with eight different boys in one minute.
Millie: I heard that she lifted her shirt to the boys at the bus stop.
Wendy: I heard that her asshole is like this big around. [makes a hole with her hands, thumb touching thumb, the other fingers touching their counterparts on the other hand]
Millie, Esther: Wwooww.
Bebe: [comes into view] Hey guys.
Wendy: Oh, hey Bebe. [fakes a clearing throat] Slut. [again] Slut.
Millie: [fakes a clearing throat] Slut.
Esther: [fakes a clearing throat] Slut.
Millie: [fakes a clearing throat] Slut.
Bebe: ...You guys still wanna go ice-skating after school?
Wendy: Oh, no, that's okay Bebe. You might trip and then we'd be sucked into your huge gaping vagina like ants into a vacuum cleaner. [fakes a clearing throat] Slut. [again] Slut.
Millie: [fakes a clearing throat] Slut.
Esther: [fakes a clearing throat] Slut.
Red: [fakes a clearing throat] Slut.
Wendy: Slut.
Millie: [fakes a clearing throat] Slut. [the girls take their trays and leave, giggling]
Girls: [out of view] Whore. Slut. Slut.
Scene Description: Bebe's house, after school. She's looking out over the neighborhood from her bedroom window, looking sad. Her mother stops by her door and looks in.
Mrs. Stevens: Bebe, is something the matter?
Bebe: [turns and faces her mom] Oh Mom, it's just... My girlfriends at school said some really mean things to me today. [faces the window again and rests her head on her right hand] They called me a "slut with a huge gaping vagina".
Mrs. Stevens: [approaches] Oh, sweetie. You're all just growing up. [begins to stroke Bebe's hair] Part of being a woman is having a friend one day and calling her a slut the next.
Bebe: But am I slutty just because I'm starting to be friends with guys? I mean, they just like me because they think I'm smart and cool.
Mrs. Stevens: I remember when I was a little girl the boys didn't think I was very smart at all. But then one day, they all started thinking I was really smart. I guess big smarts just run in our family.
Bebe: Well if the girls don't wanna be my friends, that's fine! [rests her head on her hands] Guys are way cooler, anyways.
Scene Description: King Jimmy's Buffet, night. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman sit at a booth eating hamburgers and some side dishes.
Tweek: [arrives] You... guys wanted me to meet you here?
Cartman: Yeah, have a seat, Tweek. We all need to have a talk.
Tweek: [sits next to Cartman] Oh God.
Cartman: [offers Tweek his plate] Alright guys, now that we're all here, I think... we need to have a difficult conversation. It's obvious that Bebe is like the coolest, smartest, most awesome person we've ever met.
Stan, Kyle: True.
Stan: Yeah.
Kyle: Yep.
Cartman: And, you know, we've been trying to fill the gap for the fourth friend ever since Kenny died, God rest his soul, and it hasn't been an easy process.
Kyle: Right.
Stan: Uh huh.
Cartman: And so, even though I think it's a tough thing to do right now, I think maybe it's best for everyone if we make room to allow Bebe to be our new fourth friend.
Kyle: Yeah.
Stan: That would be best.
Cartman: Well, I'm glad you guys all agree. And so, Kyle, I just wanna say that it's been really great, and we're gonna miss you.
Kyle: Huh??
Stan: Kyle??
Cartman: And even though it didn't quite work out, I'm sure you'll find other friends down the road, Kyle. Here's a nice watch for you and some peanuts. [presents the watch and peanuts]
Kyle: Me?? Dude, I've been here since the beginning!
Cartman: And we're really sad to see you go. Let's give a big round of applause for Kyle, everybody. Hip hip.
Stan: Dude, we're not kicking Kyle out!
Cartman: Pleeeeease???
Stan: No!
Cartman: [removes the watch and peanuts] Alright, fine! So then, I guess we have no choice but to let you go, Tweek. But we want you to know that it's been really fun. Here's a watch and some peanuts. [presents the watch and peanuts again]
Kyle: No way! Tweek's cool!
Stan: Yeah!
Cartman: Well dumbasses, how are we gonna make room for Bebe!?
Scene Description: Bus stop, next day. The answer is shown. Bebe stands between Kyle and Tweek, and Cartman is not present.
Bebe: Thanks for inviting me to ride the bus to school with you guys.
Stan: Sure thing, Bebe.
Cartman: [arrives] That's fine! That's fine!! [sticks up his middle finger] Fuck you, Kyle, and fuck you, Stan! [leaves, then returns, and sticks the middle finger up again] Fuck you, Tweek! [leaves, then returns] Bebe, you're still cool. [leaves again]
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, hallway. Some boys - Clyde, Butters, Token, Craig, and Pip - are putting up a large poster that reads "Bebe for President" next to the counselor's office. Wendy passes by and stops to look.
Wendy: What are you doing?!
Clyde: We're trying to get Bebe to run for class president.
Wendy: I'm class president! The vote was last fall!
Craig: Well, yeah, but Wendy, you have to admit, Bebe's a lot smarter and more organized than you.
Token: [gushing] Yeah. We need a leader like Bebe. She can teach us all so much.
The Other Boys: Uh huh.
Wendy: She's not smarter and cooler than everyone, you guys are just drawn to something else! [the boys just look at her]
Clyde: What?
Wendy: Ugh! God, you guys are sooo stupid! [walks away in a funk]
Butters: [puts his fists on his hips] Stupider than Bebe!
Clyde: Yeah!
Craig: Yeah!
Butters: Huh Bebe's cool, huh. Huh, fellas?
Clyde: Yeah!
Butters: Yeah!
Craig: Sure is!
Butters: Uhyep!
Scene Description: The neighborhood, after school. Stan, Kyle, and Tweek walk towards Bebe's house.
Kyle: I can't wait to watch Terrance & Phillip with Bebe.
Stan: Yeah. [they arrive, but find four other boys arriving at the same time: Timmy, Kevin, Bradley, and Francis] Where are you guys going?
Bradley: We're going to see our friend Bebe.
Stan: Bebe is our friend. Didn't you all get the memo?
Francis: Bebe is everybody's friend.
Kevin: Yeah. God put Bebe on earth to enrich everyone's lives.
Stan: [steps forward and grunts] Hoh!
Kyle: [steps forward and grunts] Hoh hoh hoh!
Kevin: Arf arf!
Francis: Arf! [a few more grunts are heard]
Timmy: Arf! Ah Timmah! Timmah-ar-argh!
Stan: Aw alright, I guess we can all watch Terrance & Phillip together. [goes and knocks on the door]
Mrs. Stevens: Oh, hello, boys.
Kyle: Is Bebe home?
Mrs. Stevens: No, she's with one of her little friends. But she should be back shortly if you boys wanna wait.
Bradley: Who is she with?
Mrs. Stevens: I believe she is playing "Lambs" over at Eric Cartman's house.
Stan: Cartman's?
Scene Description: Cartman's basement. He's at his hole again, and Bebe is sitting next to him. He has his basket, lotion, and rubber poodle ready to go.
Cartman: [holds up the poodle] See, and this is Precious.
Bebe: Precious?
Cartman: [squeezes the poodle] Bark bark bark. [sets the poodle aside] Okay, so then we put my mom's hand lotion in this little basket [puts the lotion in the basket] and lower it down to Polly Prissy Pants. [the basket descends]
Bebe: [watches the basket drop] Uh huh. [the basket stops once again in front of Polly Prissy Pants]
Cartman: Now you say, "It puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again."
Bebe: It puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again.
Cartman: Heheh, yeah.
Polly Prissy Pants: Mister, please let me out of here.
Cartman: Now say it again, louder.
Bebe: [louder] It puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again.
Cartman: Good. Now, now put the lotion back in the basket!
Polly Prissy Pants: My parents have money, Mister. They'll give you whatever you want. Please!
Cartman: Now, just yell "Put the lotion in the fucking basket!"
Bebe: Put the lotion in the basket!
Cartman: Put the lotion in the fucking basket! [pushes the rubber poodle into the hole] Oh no! Precious!
Polly Prissy Pants: I've got your dog, Mister. Let me out or I'm gonna kill it! [a door is heard opening and Kyle goes down the steps, followed by Stan, Kevin, Craig, Clyde, Butters, Francis, Tweek, Bradley, Token, Pip, and Timmy]
Cartman: Now you say, "Don't you hurt my fuckin' dog!"
Bebe: Don't you hurt my fucking dog!
Cartman: You bitch, I'll cut your throat if- [stops when he hears Timmy's wheelchair and looks around]
Kyle: What the hell are you doing?
Cartman: We're playing "Lambs."
Kyle: [moves over to Bebe] Bebe, I thought we were going to watch Terrance & Phillip today.
Butters: [moves forward] Then we gotta work on your campaign.
Francis: [moves forward] Right, but first we gotta go to the-
Stan: [jumps in front of Boy 2] Hoh! [the other boys begin to grunt and face each other]
Bebe: You guys, calm down!
Scene Description: Token tackles Bradley, Craig attacks Butters, Cartman punches Francis, Kyle attacks Kevin, Pip beats on Tweek, Bradley chases after Token, and Francis tosses Cartman over his head. Stan goes after Pip, but Pip attacks first. Clyde goes after Tweek and sends him flying across the basement. Token brings out a SuperBESTFriends lunchbox and throws it at Clyde. Clyde jumps out of the way and the lunchbox hits Timmy.
Timmy: Timmih!
Scene Description: Clyde attacks Token, but Token punches him away, then jumps on him. Timmy runs over both of them. Token jumps up and goes after Bradley again. Pip and Tweek fight again, and Stan comes flying in, taking Pip.
Bebe: This is insane!
Scene Description: Cartman picks Tweek up and throws him off. Francis is thrown backwards towards Bebe, back first. Bebe steps aside, and Francis hits the wall.
Bebe: Stop it you guys, please!
Scene Description: The map behind Bebe falls to the floor. Stan gets up, and Pip flies at him. Cartman and Bradley fight again. Kyle swings in from above on a hanging overhead light, landing on Cartman's back as Cartman fight Tweek. Tweek drops away, and Cartman has to wrestle Kyle. Bradley throws Token into a fossil display case, and a femur falls out. Stan walks up and looks at Token, then sees the femur. He picks it up and sees victory at hand. He starts beating everyone with the bone. He hits Clyde twice with it, and Clyde goes down. He then knocks out Kevin, then Cartman, then Kyle, then goes after the other boys.
Bebe: Oh boy, I never meant to cause all this trouble!
Stan: [atop a pile of boys] Hoh, hoh, hohhh! Hohhh! [he's knocked them all out and tossed them into a mound]
Scene Description: Bebe's house, day. She's at her window again, looking at the neighborhood. The boys are all over her front lawn milling around.
Mrs. Stevens: Bebe, those boys from your school are still waiting outside to see if you'll come out.
Bebe: I know. They've been there all day. [Outside, Token messes with a trash can. Cartman notices and walks over, pushing the trash can down. Stan plays with a rock on the steps. Craig inches his way towards Stan, who watches him from time to time, and Francis is up a tree.]
Stan: Hoh, hoh hoh hoh!
Craig: Hah hah hahah hah! [the other boys turn and start grunting. Stan chases Craig away from the steps, then returns to sitting there.]
Stan: Hoh hoh hoh! [picks up his rock and plays with it] Hohohoh hoh!
Mrs. Stevens: Looks like my little girl has a lot of gentlemen callers.
Bebe: Mom, why is everyone acting so different around me?
Mrs. Stevens: Sweetie, you're just blossoming into a woman.
Bebe: But, I, I don't know if I want to. Sometimes I think I'm not as smart and cool as they say, that everyone just tells me I am because of my hooters.
Mrs. Stevens: Sweetie, you're a Stevens. And Stevens women are always told they're really, really smart. [gives her a hug and then leaves]
Bebe: Mom? [her mom stops and turns around] What's six times eight?
Mrs. Stevens: Oho, sweetie, those are two completely different numbers. [satisfied, she turns around and walks out and downstairs. She opens the front door and the boys back away grunting] Alright boys, time to be getting home. Bebe's not feeling well and she can't come out today. Go on, shoo. [the boys walk away slowly, grunting in disappointment. A whistling sound is heard and a space shuttle crashes into a field across the street. The boys stop at the sight.]
Stan: Hoh. Hoh?
Astronaut 1: Aah. We made it.
Astronaut 2: Boys, can you call 9-1-1 for us? [the boys start to grunt again. Stan backs up into the crowd of boys]
Astronaut 1: Oh my God. We've landed on Earth thousands of years in the future and apes have taken over!
Astronaut 2: I knew it! You blew it up, didn't you?!
Astronaut 1: I don't want to live in this futuristic madness! [pulls out a gun, shoots himself in the head, and falls down dead.]
Astronaut 2: Take your ape rule and go to hell! [pulls out a gun, shoots himself in the head, and falls down dead.]
Bebe: [sighs] Having boobs sucks.
Scene Description: Hell's Pass Hospital, later. A man walks in and goes to his desk.
Dr. Hallis: Well hello there, little girl. My name is Dr. Hallis. What can I do for you today? [sits at his desk]
Bebe: I wanna have breast-reduction surgery. [the doctor leans forwards and visually inspects Bebe's chest]
Dr. Hallis: You?
Bebe: Yes. I have two hundred and twelve dollars in nickels and a gold bracelet.
Dr. Hallis: Well, young lady, I'm afraid that we don't offer breast reduction surgery to girls of your age.
Bebe: Why not? Britney Spears got fake ones when she was a teenager. Why can't I have mine taken off?
Dr. Hallis: Because making breasts larger is a beautiful and wonderful thing. Making them smaller is... insane.
Bebe: I think it's insane to want them bigger.
Dr. Hallis: Why do you... hate your breasts so?
Bebe: Ever since I got these stupid things everyone treats me differently. I feel like I might be treated differently the rest of my life.
Dr. Hallis: Oh, come on now, that's just silly.
Blonde nurse: [nice shape, walks in with a folder] Here's the Anderson file, Doctor.
Dr. Hallis: [looks up, looks down and grins, then looks up again] Oh, awesome. Thank you so much, Jillian. That's great. Oh, God-damn. Thank you so much. [The nurse walks out. Bebe lowers her eyelids halfway]
Brunette nurse: [not as nicely shaped, walks in with a cup and plate] And here's the coffee you wanted, doctor.
Dr. Hallis: [quickly, subdued, looks askance] Yeah, whatever. Get out of here. [the nurse walks out, and he addresses Bebe again] Now, I was saying?
Bebe: Please, you have to help me. I think that if my breasts keep growing this way, boys will give me whatever I want.
Dr. Hallis: Yeah, so? That's great, isn't it?
Bebe: No it's not, because if I grow up getting everything I want, having things made easy for me because I have hot knockers, then I'm gonna grow up to be a lame person. If I'm handed everything in life, then my chances of becoming a lawyer or a marine biologist are zero.
Dr. Hallis: That may be true, but I'm afraid I just cannot ethically perform a breast-reduction surgery on an eight-year-old girl.
Bebe: Damnit!
Dr. Hallis: If, on the other hand, you'd like to make them a little bigger, I think now might be the right time to size up, hm?
Bebe: Oh, fuck off! [walks off in disgust]
Scene Description: Stan's house, day. In the dining room Randy reads the paper. Sharon enters.
Sharon: Randy, could you have a talk with Stanley?
Randy: Why? What's the matter with him?
Sharon: It's just that, well, he's been acting a little different lately. [Randy looks. In the living room Stan has taken out his crayons and drawn some figures on the wall]
Stan: [disheveled, in his primal state] Aaaa-ta. [starts drawing another boob. The wall is covered with them, singly or in pairs. One stick-figure woman has a large pair] Aaaa-ta.
Sharon: He's been ignoring his homework, and, all of his friends. I can't figure out why.
Stan: [picks up a stick and moves it around] Aaaa-ta. Aaaa-ta.
Randy: Ohhh boy. Looks like he's starting to notice breasts.
Sharon: [relieved and proud] Oh yes. Our little Stanley is starting to become a man. [Randy leaves his seat at the table and approaches Stan]
Stan: [points to the wall with his stick] Ahta. Ah, ahta!
Randy: Hey there, son.
Stan: [turns to face his father] Hoh? Ahta. [points to the wall] Ahta.
Randy: Yes, ahta. Let's have a talk, Stan.
Stan: Ahta.
Randy: Stan, as you get older, boobs - bu-these "ahta" will start becoming a major part of your life.
Stan: Ahta? [Sharon walks behind Randy and sits on one of the sofa's arms]
Randy: But Stanley, you can't let them get in the way of your friends. There are a lot of boobs out there, son. But they're just boobs; your friends... are forever.
Stan: [considers each argument] Friends. Ahta.
Randy: I know you think this set of boobs is important now, but those boobs will be replaced by another set of boobs. Boobs will come and go, and then, someday, [places his left hand on Sharon's right shoulder. She smiles] you'll meet a pair of boobs that you want to marry. And those become the boobs that matter the most.
Sharon: [putting her right arm around Randy] I love you.
Randy: If you can just understand that, Stanley, you'll see that boobs hold no real power at all.
Scene Description: Bebe's house, night. The house is dark, so she's asleep. The camera zooms in on her, and her breasts start to blink under her gown.
Right breast: The boys are at war. All is going as planned.
Left breast: Yes. Soon all the boys will be brought to their knees.
Right breast: We grow larger every day.
Left breast: And stronger.
Right breast: Soon the entire tow- [Bebe awakens]
Left breast: Sh! Sh! She's awake!
Right breast: Ah, quiet.
Bebe: [shrieks and kicks her blanket off] MOM!! MOM!!
Mrs. Stevens: [rushes to Bebe's room and enters] What is it, Bebe?
Bebe: [scared] My breasts!
Mrs. Stevens: [approaches the bed, sits, and holds her] Oh, sweetheart, you're just becoming a young lady.
Bebe: No, they're conspiring! Mom, they were talking! They wanna destroy the town!
Mrs. Stevens: [beat] Yes, darling, your breasts have a power that will unleash itself as you get older. They feed off the misery of boys and grow to bring woe wherever they can. You're blossoming into a woman. [hugs her]
Bebe: That does it! I'm NOT letting these things run my life!
Scene Description: Hell's Pass Hospital, day. Dr. Hallis walks in with a file and quickly addresses his prospective client.
Dr. Hallis: Young lady, are you absolutely sure you want to consider this kind of procedure for your breasts?
Wendy: Yes! I want to get breast implants!
Mrs. Testaburger: I tried to tell her she was too young.
Dr. Hallis: Well, it is a different time, Mrs. Testaburger. Society puts a lot of pressure on your daughter to look her best. Having small breasts can make her feel unimportant.
Mrs. Testaburger: [considers the doctor's argument...] But she's eight!
Dr. Hallis: Yes, well, not too young to feel flat and therefore, not pretty.
Wendy: That's what I said.
Dr. Hallis: However, young lady, I'm afraid breast implants are not for everyone. [takes out a notepad] I'll need to carefully assess your physical and mental condition to see if augmentation is truly the best way for you to go.
Wendy: I have three thousand dollars, cash. [her mom blanches]
Dr. Hallis: [quickly disposes of the pad and pen, then rises and leaves the desk] You pass. Let's do this thing.
Mrs. Testaburger: [mortified] Oh, wait. You're gonna do it right now?
Dr. Hallis: Suuure. Breast augmentation is now a very simple procedure. [holds Wendy's right arm up and points to the armpit] What we do is make a small incision in the armpit where it won't be seen. Then we take this little plastic bag and gently place it in the chest where we fill it with salt water.
Mrs. Testaburger: I still don't know about this.
Dr. Hallis: Look. Us plastic surgeons have one philosophy. If we can help someone's self-esteem a little, then why not do it if they have three thousand dollars?
Scene Description: Operating room, moments later. Wendy is hooked up and sedated. The first incision is made to the left armpit and the flesh pulled back hard. The nurse hands the doctor the first implant, which he shoves in Wendy's chest.
Dr. Hallis: [shove] Cha! [shove] Gotta! [shove] Jam it! [shove] Up there! [shove] Get! [shove] In! [shove] There! [shove] You! [shove] Bitch! [shoves faster] Get! [shove] In! [shove] There! [shove] You! [shove] Bitch! [the implant is finally in place; everything is covered in blood] Hah! [wipes his brow] Okay, there's one, Wendy. Doing great.
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Mr. Mackey is back teaching the class. The kids are at their seats. The boys are being apes, and the girls look scared.
Mr. Mackey: M'kay. Kids, we need to talk about your failing grades.
Clyde: [in primal mode] Bebe! Where Bebe?! Bebe! Bebe! [he and a few others grunt a bit]
Mr. Mackey: M'kay, we all need to start studying more and fighting less, m'kay? [the grunts start up again]
Bradley: Bebe! [more grunts.]
Stan: Ahta! [more grunts. Bebe enters wearing a cardboard box over her clothes. The boys quiet down.]
Bebe: Hey guys. [a few boys grunt back with "Hi!!" "Hey." "Hm." as she heads for her seat. The boys are confused.]
Craig: Have you guys noticed that Bebe isn't as cool as she used to be? [Bebe smiles at her uncoolness]
Token: Yeah. What the hell happened to us?
Stan: Oh my God. I get it now. It was Bebe's boobs.
Cartman: Bebe's boobs?
Bebe: Oh cool! It worked!
Stan: Don't you guys see? Boobs... do something to our brains. They fill our brains with illusions.
Kyle: Sssss-so ...Bebe ...didn't become smart and cool? It was just her boobs?
Bebe: Yes!
Cartman: So, Bebe is actually just as lame as she ever was?
Bebe: Right. My boobs just clouded your judgment.
Kyle: But that sucks. I don't want something to have that much power over me.
Stan: I don't think it will, you guys, as long as we realize it. We must learn to control their power over us.
Clyde: Yeah. Screw boobs! They're stupid!
Craig: I'm sorry for fighting, you guys. [all the boys leave their seats and start apologizing to each other, hugging each other]
Mr. Mackey: [moved by this display of affection] Aw, that's so sweet, m'kay?
Clyde: Let's never let boobs come between us again!
The Boys: Hear Hear!
Kyle: Boobs are stupid!
Wendy: [enters with her new, ample implants] Hi, everybody. [the boys look at her for a long while, then start laughing heartily. Wendy is stunned at the response]
Clyde: Look at those ridiculous things!
Butters: [steps up and touches the left breast] Oooo, they're all hard and oogey!
Cartman: What a stupid bitch! [the boys start laughing again. Butters is laughing hard, but realizes that his finger is still on Wendy's breast.]


Scene Description: Tweek's house, night. He's on the sofa looking at news.
News anchor: [News 4] And in other news, another school shooting has taken place, this time in Idaho. As these kinds of shooting increase, one thing becomes clear: Your children are not safe at school.
Tweek: Oh God! [frantically fishes for the remote control] Change it! Change it! [finds it and changes channels]
News anchor: [News 5] This was the second time a terrorist threat has been made on a theme park, leaving everyone to realize that children are not safe outside.
Tweek: Agh! God, change it!! [clicks through a few channels]
News anchor: [SNN, with weather bar at bottom] And it seems there's a new danger to look out for: children who are taken by strangers. The bottom line: children are not safe... in their own homes!
Tweek: [throws a fit] Aaaah!!
Mrs. Tweak: [arrives] Tweek.
Tweek: Gahahghah!
Mrs. Tweak: Tweek? Come to the kitchen, sweetie. We need to see you real quick. [leaves. Tweek soon follows]
Scene Description: Kitchen. Richard is at table as Tweek arrives. Tweek's mom is serving coffee. There are two coffee makers in the background.
Tweek: Oh God. They're gonna get me.
Richard: Sit down and have some coffee, son. [Tweek climbs onto his seat and takes a sip, then several more] Tweek, there's starting to be a lot of reports in the news about children being abducted, and we thought we should talk.
Tweek: [points to the TV] I s-I saw! Uuuh!
Mrs. Tweak: You know never to talk to strangers, right Tweek? You can't trust anybody.
Tweek: [panting] Oh God! Huh!
Richard: Now, we don't want to alarm you, son, but we've installed new locks on your bedroom windows and door. It's important for you to know never to unlock them at night for anyone except your mother and I.
Tweek: [panting] Oh Jesus! Huh!
Mrs. Tweak: It's just a precaution, sweetie. Probably nothing will ever happen.
Scene Description: The Tweek house, after bedtime. Tweek is in his bed having a nightmare.
Tweek: No, ...NO! They're gonna get me! [wakes up] GAAAH! Huh, huh, huh-oh, oh God. [holds himself] Uh, just a dream. [gasps. His bedroom windows are open and the curtains are softly blowing in the breeze] OH MY GOD!! [quickly jumps up and closes the windows. Four knocks are heard at the door] GAAAH!! [throws the blanket over his head. Two more knocks, and then]
Voice: [on the other side of the door] Tweek! This is Officer Daniels! Now, try and stay calm, but we believe an abductor is in your room!
Tweek: ...Inside my room? Oh God!
Voice: Give it up, buddy! We've got ya surrounded! Okay, Tweek, I want you to very calmly but quickly walk to the door and come out to us!
Tweek: [thinks and looks around] Oh my God! [hops down and makes his way to the door] Oh! Oh! Jesus, see me through this. [opens the door and steps out, only to find a gun to his face. He gasps, then] AAAHH!
Voice: Bang! [the gun is withdrawn] You're dead, Tweek. [the camera zooms out to show Mr. Tweek holding the gun]
Tweek: [look up bewildered] What?
Richard: You failed the test, son. Didn't I tell you not to open the door for anybody except your mother and I?
Tweek: [a bit panicked] Oh God! Oh Jesus!
Mrs. Tweak: [walks up and stands next to Richard at the doorway] What if that had been a child abductor pretending to be a police officer, Tweek?
Richard: He would have sprayed your brains all over the floor and then taken your body off to the woods. [Tweek shakes his head in frustration and whimpers] You've got to be on your toes, Tweek. Alright, now go to bed and get some rest.
Mrs. Tweak: 'Night, pumpkin. [his dad closes the door and locks it, then the parents go off to bed. Tweek turns to go to bed, but looks distraught]
Scene Description: The Bijou, next day. "Men In Black II" is showing. Stan, Kyle, Cartman and Tweek walk up to the ticket booth.
Stan: I hope this movie doesn't suck ass.
Kyle: It will.
Cartman: [orders his ticket first] One please.
Tweek: [stopping Cartman] Wait, that's not the usual ticket-taker guy!
Kyle: So?
Tweek: So? I don't know him!
Cartman: Dude, relax.
Tweek: You relax! What if he wants to kill me?! AAAAAAAA!! [runs away]
Cartman: Gah, what the hell do his parents do to him?
Scene Description: Down the road. Tweek is running, but soon tires out. A car pulls up and the driver looks out the passenger window.
Driver: 'Scuse me, is this the right road to Breckenridge.
Tweek: [looks up] AAH! Uh...
Driver: Please, I just need to know if this is "South Park"?
Tweek: Get away from meee! [runs off again. The confused driver looks at him go]
Scene Description: A street corner. Tweek arrives there and stops to catch his breath. An elderly lady walks up and taps his hair. Tweek screams and jumps back. The crossing signal says "WALK," so it's alright for both to cross the street.
Elderly lady: Could you help me across the street?
Tweek: I don't know you! [runs across the street] Ah, AAAH!
Scene Description: The outskirts of town. Tweek is running and arrives at some train tracks. A man in a wheelchair sits between the tracks. He looks behind to see that no one has followed him.
Man in wheelchair: Oh, hey, kid! [Tweek looks over] Oh, thank God you happened by. My- my chair ran out of juice right on these train tracks. If you hadn't had shown up, well... Well, anyway, could you give me a push?
Tweek: Huh uh!
Man in wheelchair: No, no, you don't understand. I'm, I'm paralyzed from the neck down. I push the chair with this device in front of my mouth, but it's it's not working, so you see-
Tweek: I'm not supposed to talk to you!
Man in wheelchair: Please, this, this isn't funny, kid. You have to help me.
Tweek: But it could be a trick! [a train zooms by, taking the paralyzed man with it. Tweek watches it go by] Ugh. That's a pretty good trick.
Scene Description: The Tweek house, night. Tweek is again asleep, peacefully. A light fills the room and rouses him from his sleep. At the foot of the bed is a man dressed in a robe. He holds a scepter in his right hand and wears laurel branches on his head. He is glowing, as is the bauble atop the scepter.
Tweek: AaaaAAAHH! [hides under his covers]
Man: [speaking with authority] Relax, Tweek. I am not here to hurt you. I am the Ghost of Human Kindness.
Tweek: [peeks out from behind the covers] The Ghost of Human Kindness?
The Ghost of Human Kindness: You have never seen the likes of me before.
Tweek: What do you want?
The Ghost of Human Kindness: You have lost faith in humanity, lad. Something I cannot bear to see happen.
Tweek: Huh-uh, how can I help it? It seems that everywhere I turn, someone is out to get me.
The Ghost of Human Kindness: That is the world of the news reports. It is the world that adults preoccupy themselves with, but it is not the world as it is.
Tweek: It isn't?
Scene Description: A woman enters the Shady Acres Retirement Community and heads for the front door. Tweek and the ghost arrive and follow her in.
The Ghost of Human Kindness: Look here, Tweek. This woman is on her way to the retirement home. [they arrive at the front door] She doesn't get paid; she volunteers her time to talk with lonely elderly people who want nothing more than a friend. [the woman hugs an elderly lady, then moves on to other folks.] But do you hear about her on the news? No.
Scene Description: A one-story house, later. Tweek and the ghost reach the front window.
The Ghost of Human Kindness: Now gaze upon this humble house, Tweek. Inside there are two people who have adopted needy children. [a close-up of a man reading to his baby. Two other kids, a Japanese girl and a black boy, sit on the floor listening. The mother arrives with drinks] They were strangers to those kids once. Now they are loving parents.
Scene Description: The camera looks at a snowy sky with a full moon and pans down. Tweek and the ghost are walking down the highway.
The Ghost of Human Kindness: Now, look here, boy. [a shot of a man changing the front left tire of a Cadillac for an elderly lady. A young woman stands ready with a spare tire] A car has broken down with a flat tire, and two complete strangers have stopped to help. [the man signals for the tire, the woman rolls it to him] Will their kindness be reported on the news tomorrow? I think not.
Scene Description: South Park. Tweek and the ghost are back in town.
The Ghost of Human Kindness: Are you starting to understand, boy?
Tweek: I think so. You mean that, even though all the news is about murderers and abductors, those kind of people... only make up a very small part of the world.
The Ghost of Human Kindness: That's right, lad. So do you think you can learn to trust people now?
Tweek: I'll... try.
The Ghost of Human Kindness: Good. Then why don't you get into the back of my van, and I'll drive you home. [the camera pans to a dirty dilapidated van]
Tweek: Your van? [flashlights click on and focus on the ghost and at least five squad cars pull up to the two people]
Officer 1: Alright Johnson, give it up!
The Ghost of Human Kindness: [strikes his scepter to the ground with each expletive] Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! [four officers close in with guns drawn. Tweek steps aside] Oh, I was so close!
Tweek: What the hell is going on?
Mrs. Tweak: Tweek, Tweek, are you okay?
Richard: Did he hurt you, son?
Tweek: No.
Detective: Then we aren't too late. His name is Frederick Johnson. He's been abducting children by dressing up like the Ghost of Human Kindness for over a year now.
The Ghost of Human Kindness: And I would have gotten away with it again if it weren't for you meddling policemen! [the policemen escort him away. A wide shot shows the Stotches, the Williamses and the Marshes viewing the arrest in their pajamas. Liane Cartman walks up in her gown. She's wearing a facial treatment mask]
Liane: What's going on?
Sharon: A stranger was caught trying to abduct the Tweak boy.
Sheila: [the Broflovskis arrive in their pajamas] An abductor in our town?
Steve: Oh my God, what are we gonna do?
Scene Description: South Park City Hall, next day. The townsfolk are clamoring outside the front door.
Townsfolk: RABBLE RABBLE RABBLE RABBLE RABBLE RABBLE!
Mayor McDaniels: People, people, calm down.
Randy: Well, what are we gonna do, Mayor?! We have to stop these abductors from being able to get into our town!
Townsfolk: Rabble rabble rabble rabble rabble rabble rabble rabble...
Mayor McDaniels: Yes, but standing out here yelling "Rabble rabble rabble" isn't going to help anything.
Jimbo: Well, we don't know what else to do, Mayor!
Townsfolk: Rabble rabble rabble rabble rabble rabble rabble rabble rabble rabble rabble rabble!
Mayor McDaniels: [gestures for them to quiet down, and they do] People, what do you think we need to do?
Gerald: [thinks] Uh, well, we need to find a way to close our town off from unwanted strangers!
Sheila: Yes, we need a barrier to protect our kids.
Townsfolk: RABBLE RABBLE RABBLE RABBLE RABBLE RABBLE RABBLE RABBLE!
Randy: Wait, that's it. A wall. We could build a huge city wall all around South Park so that we have complete control over who comes in.
Richard: That's... not a bad idea, a city wall.
Sheila: But who can we get to build it?
Scene Description: City Wok, later. Several adults are in the restaurant.
Mayor McDaniels: ...And so, we want you to design and build a great wall, all around the city.
Tuong Lu Kim: I don' build wall. I just own un' operate City Wok.
Gerald: We just think that you're the best person to put up a wall. We're sure you've got it in your blood.
Tuong Lu Kim: [thinks a moment] Oh, I get it. Just because I Chinese, you think I build wall. That i' bullshit! I'm not stereotype, okay?! Just because I'm Chinese doesn't mean I go around building wall! I'm just a normal person like all o'you! I eat ahrice and drive ahreally slow, just like the rest o'you! I'm not stereotype!
Sharon: Please, Mr. Tuong Lu Kim.
Randy: Your ancestors put up a great wall that kept Mongolians out for thousands of years. We know you can do it for us.
Scene Description: Outside South Park, some weeks later. A great wall has gone up around South Park, enclosing it like a medieval wall. This is the Great Wall of South Park. Tuong, dressed in his restaurant's uniform, is laying down some bricks. He hears some horses and look up. Some Mongolians have arrived and drawn their swords. They chip away at the wall.
Tuong Lu Kim: Hey. Hey hey! [rushes over to the gap the Mongolians are creating] Hey, what the hell you doing?! [the Mongolian leader says a few words] Mongorians? What the hell Mongorians doing here? [the Mongolians keep attacking the wall] Ey, fuck you, Mongorians! Tryin' break down my wall! [starts throwing bricks at the Mongolians] Get out of here, fuckin' Mongorians! [the Mongolians turn and ride away] God-damnit, how come every time us Chinese put up a wall, stupid Mongorians have to come and knock it down?
Scene Description: South Park, now encircled by the Great Wall, later.
Scene Description: The Marsh house, living room. Stan is on the sofa watching TV. His parents enter. Randy is carrying a box.
Randy: Stan, our abduction problems are over. We got the new Child Tracker.
Stan: Child Tracker?
Sharon: It's a little electrical device that can tell us where you are anywhere on Earth.
Randy: If anybody takes you, we'll be able to locate your exact location within two meters.
Scene Description: Moments later, Randy finishes installing the Tracker, and both parents smile.
Randy: There, I think that's got it. [Stan is now wearing a very elaborate helmet with several antennae, a red light, and a small satellite dish sitting on top.]
Stan: ...Dude, no way! I'm not wearing Child Tracker!
Randy: You can barely even tell you have one on.
Stan: I'm not going to school like this! What will all the other guys say?!
Sharon: I wouldn't worry about that.
Scene Description: School bus stop, next day. Stan is wearing his tracker. Kyle, Cartman, and Tweek are wearing their own trackers. All trackers are activated.
Cartman: So weak. So weak, dude. Man.
Kyle: Why did you go and have to be abducted, Tweek? Now all our parents are freaking out!
Tweek: I didn't mean to.
Scene Description: The Great Wall of South Park. Tuong finishes the repairs on the damaged section.
Tuong Lu Kim: Okay. Finary. [looks around] Oh no. [picks up a telescope, with "Mongolian Telescope written on it and looks through it. He finds the Mongolians attacking the wall at a position far off] It's those God-damned Mongorians again! Stop! Stop right there, Mongorians! [a shot from inside a tower of Tuong running down the rampart] God-damnit, stop! [a far shot of Tuong running down the rampart] Stop breaking down my city wall you stupid Mongoriaaans! [finally arrives at the source of the noise] Ay, you sons of bitches, you- [sees a ruse. Clothes were placed on twigs and a tape player plays a recording of Mongolian noises] What the hell? [straightens up] Oh, shit! [looks off to his right to see the Mongolians attacking the part of the wall he was at before] OH, GOD-DAMNED MONGORIANS!! [runs back along the rampart to the Mongolians] I'm gonna get you, fuckin' Mongorians! Don't break down my city wall! [reaches the new gap and the Mongolians ride away] Oh, God-damnit! [the Mongolian leader says something. Tuong calls out after them] That's the last time you're gonna break down my city wall! You hear me, Mongorians?! [goes about repairing the wall] God-damned Mongorians.
Scene Description: A baseball field. A cheer comes up from the bleachers. A close-up shows the townsfolk rooting for their Cows.
Richard: Alright, Cows, We're gonna go out there and we're gonna give 'em hell! [the boys are wearing their Child Trackers. Cartman is the catcher, Stan is the pitcher]
Kyle: But, wait. Where's the other team? [the field is shown. The opposing bullpen is empty and there are no opposing players on the field. There's no visiting team out there.]
Randy: There is no other team.
Stan: Huh?
Richard: Well, we've... put a wall around the city to keep outsiders out. You don't think we want a bunch of strangers coming in to play ball, do you?
Stan: But if there is no other team, then it won't be any fun.
Randy: Don't worry, it'll still be fun for us. [takes a sip of his beer. Richard sips from his beer can, then other townsfolk in the bleachers sip from their beer cans. The Cows take positions on the field]
Townsfolk: Go Cows! Go Cows! Go Cows! Go Cows!
Jimbo: [umpire] Play ball! [Stan looks at the people in the stands, then pitches to Cartman] Steeeeee-riiike!!
Townsfolk: [standing and cheering] Yeah! Woohoo! Yeah!
Scene Description: Crust E. Krotch's Pizza, Corral, night. The town is in there celebrating a victory. Ned is playing "Thirst For Blood".
Jimbo: [raises a mug of beer] South Park Cows do it again!
Sharon: Congratulations on your victory, boys. [Cartman is already eating a slice of pizza]
Kyle: Dude, we weren't playing anybody.
Randy: Yeah, and you kicked ass!
Roger: Isn't it awesome havin' a great wall around our city? Nobody in town except for our good friends.
Townsfolk: Yeahah! Alright! Yeah. Right on! Right on!
Richard: [calling attention to the TV] Guys! Sh, quiet everyone. [the news is on]
News anchor: [in gray jacket] And this newest study reveals more about child abductions than we apparently knew before, Tom. [the adults move closer to the TV]
Sharon: Turn it up.
Tom: [in brown jacket] That's right, Chris. This newest study shows that the majority of child abductions are NOT committed by strangers, but by somebody the child knows in their own town. [the adults start looking at the others around them, at each other.] The report further states that it is because the child trusts the individual that problems occur in the first place.
Chris: Well, I guess this means the enemy is in our own backyard, so to speak.
Tom: Sure does, Tom.
Chris: Alright, thanks, Chris. Is the weather going to turn su- [click. The parents go to their kids and they depart one by one]
Richard: Well, if you'll all excuse us, I think we'll be going now. [takes Tweek, and the family leaves. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman remain, eating]
Gerald: [walks up] Yeah. Come along, Kyle [the Broflovskis leave. Stan and Cartman remain]
Sharon: Stanley, time for us to get back to the house.
Stan: [mouth full] I'm not done with my pizza.
Sharon: NOW, Stanley! [whisks him off. Randy follows, looking at Cartman, left all alone with his mom]
Scene Description: The Great Wall of South Park. Tuong is working on something behind a brick shield.
Tuong Lu Kim: Eh. Eh, eh, there we go. [pulls out a large weapon] All finished. My Mongolian Missile Defense system. [a bazooka reading "MONGOLIAN ERADICATOR." He mounts it on his shoulder and takes aim. Next, he sets it down and drops a missile into it] Those Mongolians try to break down my city wall again, they gonna get a big heat-seeking missile surprise! [hoofbeats are heard and the Mongolians are once again present and ready to attack. Tuong sees them and taunts them] Oh! Hello Mongolians. Yeah. You come to break down my city wall? [the leader holds out a baseball] Oh, you gonna throw that baseball at my wall? [feigns despair] Oh no! Not a baseball! I'm pretty scared. [the leader tosses the ball in the air straight up] Well, you know what? I might have something here that's a little bigger than a baseball. [arms himself with the bazooka, setting it at hip level] Say hello to my little friend! [fires the missile and watches it go towards the Mongolians. One of the Mongolians pours gasoline on the ball. The leader reaches back to get a lighter from another Mongolian and sets the ball on fire. The missile gets close to them. The leader throws the ball at Tuong and the missile follows the ball. The ball hits the wall and drops to the snow. Tuong realizes what this means] Aw, crap. [the missile strikes the ball and blows a new gap into the great wall. After the smoke clears, Tuong is lying in the rubble, clearly hurt] Ooohhhh [the leader draws his sword and the Mongolians have a good laugh about this incident. Then they turn and ride off, laughing.] God-damned Mongolians!! You break down my city wall foda last time!!
Scene Description: South Park, the bus stop, next day. The parents are present with the boys as they wait for the school bus.
Stan: Dude, this is worse than Child Tracker.
Richard: 'Sokay, boys. Just act as if we weren't here.
Sharon: Right. Do what you normally would do.
Kyle: [volunteers] You're such a fatass, Cartman.
Cartman: At least I'm not a stupid Jew.
Sheila: What-what-whaaat?
Scene Description: South Park Elementary. The bell rings and the class begins. Mr. Mackey is at the board.
Mr. Mackey: M'kay, kids, so, now, who can tell me what year the first moon landing took place? [a shot of the class with all parents present] Uh, how about you, Clyde?
Roger: [whispers into Clyde's ear] Nineteen six-
Mr. Mackey: No helping! [Mr. Donovan looks around, embarrassed, and stands up] M'kay, I'm not really sure havin' all the parents here is a good idea, m'kay?
Richard: Well, maybe things would be better if we could trust people like the Stotches!
Stephen: Us? Your family's always been the shifty-eyed ones!
Richard: Oh yeah?! [the other parents begin to bicker except for Liane who hugs his son.]
Mr. Mackey: Oh, this is too much to take. [goes to his desk, where his own parents wait, and sits down.] Mom, Dad, could you please leave me alone?
Mr. Mackey's Father: We just wanna make sure nobody hurts you, Junior, m'kay?
Mr. Mackey: M'kay.
Scene Description: Great Wall of South Park. Mr. Lu Kim wheels a vat of boiling fluid to one of the openings.
Tuong Lu Kim: Hahahaha! My masterpiece! [stirs his concoction] When those Mongolians come next time, I pour this sweet and sour pork on their heads. Haha, sweet and sour pork so hot and sticky, Mongolians'll stick ahright up to the wall! And scream "UhwOoOoOoOoo!" Oh I can't wait. [hears something to his left. He looks and sees a wooden horse on wheels rolling up to the gate. He studies the horse and tries to think what to make of it] Oh, I get it. A Trojan Mongolian horse. Mongolians a-hiding inside thinking that I'll bring it in city wall, then Mongolians pop out and destroy wall from the inside out without gettin' any sweet and sour pork on their heads! Okay. I'll pray around. [starts to feign gratitude, moves to the rampart above the gate] Oh! Oh rook! Rook, my very own Mongorian Trojan horse! Gee, what a surprise! I guess Mongorians aren't such crappy, smelly people after all! [makes his way down the stairs near a tower and reaches the side door] Yeah. Great! Rwow! [opens the side door and walks over to the horse carrying a fireman's ax.] Yeah, what a great present! I'm just gonna push it inside the gate and show it to all my friends. [pulls down a door handle under the horse. Two doors open above him and release some seweet and sour pork on him, forcing him to the ground. He finds it hard to move around] Oh, it's sweet and sour pork! [The Mongolians ride up again and attack the wall with their swords. Tuong speaks, but his words become less familiar, due to the stickiness of the sauce] Oh! I'm going to get you Nogodians, if it's the last thing I do!
Scene Description: The Tweek house, night. The parents are in the living room sitting together on the sofa watching TV and sharing a bag of popcorn. A blanket covers their legs. The surroundings show an iron door where the front door is, and roll-down iron blinds over the windows.
News anchor: [News 4] And so all the residents of Manhattan are prepared to evacuate if Ms. Clinton's ass gets any bigger. And in other news, new findings on the increase in child abductions.
Richard: Oh Jesus, turn it up, honey!
News anchor: The study shows that the most likely abductors of children... are the parents themselves! [the two adults are somewhat stunned] The study reveals that nine out of every ten abduction cases are committed by the child's mother or father. The bottom line being that your children aren't safe, even from you! [Tweek's mom rises from the couch and walks away from it. Richard watches her go]
Richard: Where are you going?
Mrs. Tweak: Uh... I'm just going to go upstairs and see if Tweek is still in his bed.
Richard: Oh? [puts the popcorn and blanket aside and rises] I think I'll go with you.
Mrs. Tweak: It's okay. I can do it.
Richard: I just want to make sure that you-
Mrs. Tweak: That I don't abduct him? How do I know that you haven't done it already?
Richard: Me? I would never abduct our son!
Mrs. Tweak: That's not what the new study says!
Richard: [wipes his forehead, then] Well what are we supposed to do, eh-? How can we protect Tweek from ourselves? [both parents look upstairs]
Scene Description: South Park, next day. The families gather on a neighborhood street. The parents are hugging their kids.
Randy: [hands Stan some money] Here you go, Stanley. This should hold you over for three years.
Stan: But why do I have to leave?
Randy: The news says that at your age you aren't safe with us, son. You have to get out of here before we abduct you.
Sharon: Good-bye, son. [hugs Stan and sobs softly] Remember to eat right.
Gerald: [wistfully] Look out for your brother, Kyle. You're the man now.
Sheila: Oh, boys! Don't ever forget that we love you! [Gerald hugs Kyle, Sheila hugs Ike. They begin to cry, and the other adults follow. They leave their kids and huddle, then turn around, crying all the while]
Linda: Be careful out there!
Stan: Where are we supposed to go?
Randy: We can't tell you because we can't know where you are! [turns back to cry with Sharon]
Sheila: Oh, this is terrible! [turns and cries with Gerald]
Roger: Go on, kids! Go! Go and don't look back! [turns and hugs his wife. The adults are bawling now. Token is the first to leave, and the other kids follow him]
Randy: Good-bye, kids. We'll... never forget you. [the adults continue crying. Stephen pulls out a ram's horn and blows into it a few times]
Stan: Dude, sometimes I think our parents are really stupid.
A Woman: [in the crowd, crying] Oh my God.
Scene Description: The Great Wall of South Park, day. Tuong is still congealed under the sweet and sour sauce the Mongolians dumped on him, but the Trojan Mongolian horse is gone. A dog walks by and sniffs.
Tuong Lu Kim: Ah. Hey daw. O'er 'ere. O'er 'ere, dog. Got som'in sweet and souh foh ya. [the dog walks over and starts licking the sauce away] Good dog! That's it! Keep licking, dog!
Scene Description: Some time later. Tuong runs along the ramparts of the wall, finally freed from the sweet and sour pork that had held him in place.
Tuong Lu Kim: Hahahahahaaa! I'm free, Mongolians! And now I'm gonna make you PAY!
Scene Description: The Marsh house, night. Randy is at the sofa watching the news.
News anchor: Finally, some good news tonight. It's been several days since any child abductions have taken place. The main reason: parents don't know where their children are. [Sharon, at the window, sighs. Randy turns and looks at her. Snow flakes float down outside]
Randy: What's the matter? [stands up]
Sharon: Oh, it's just... I was wondering if Stan's okay.
Randy: [walks up to her] Oh, I'm sure he's made it somewhere safe by now. [puts his hand on her back]
Sharon: Do you really think we did the right thing, Randy? Sending all the young kids in town off to live on their own?
Randy: [faces her, makes her face him] Sweetheart, you saw the news...
Sharon: I know. [they turn back to the window]
Randy: Don't you worry. I'm sure that Stan and all the other kids are somewhere safe, off in a whole new city by now, making a new life for themselves.
Scene Description: A Mongolian camp outside the Great Wall of South Park, night. The Mongolians are roasting and enjoying small animals, and drying the hides near a tent. The town's kids are now with them, wearing new clothes.
Leader: Tah tane da ke ab kahleh kalabush.
Stan: Bi ologad bag, big nan dastai. [the Mongolians laugh]
Mongolian: [in blue] De bandig baeakhalah?
Cartman: Tawya mea pleda cleah bleah.
Tweek: Triben fak burushban.
All: Shain balag!
Scene Description: The Great Wall of South Park, day. Tuong pops up outside the wall dressed in imperial attire.
Tuong Lu Kim: Awright, Mongolians! Your only way through this wall is through me. This is my rast stand! I'm gonna do my war dance now. [begins a chant and dances for a few seconds, then stops] Does my war dance ascare you, Mongolians? Yeah, you think you want a piece of this? [resumes his dance. Seeing Tuong engrossed in his dance, the children move some explosives to a spot against the wall. Token peeks to make sure everything is in place. The kids then walk back to the Mongolians, past Tuong...] This is ancient Chinese dance of a- Oh, herro kids. Uh be careful, there's a-Mongolians up there. [resumes his dance as the kids line up before the Mongolians. Stan hands the detonator to the Mongolian leader, who holds it for a while. Tuong notices the wire stretching between the Mongolians and the explosives against the wall] Oh, crap! [the explosives blow up, knocking Tuong towards the Mongolians and leaving a big gap in the wall. The kids and the Mongolians have a good laugh. The adults in town come to see the commotion]
Randy: What's going on?
Liane: I heard an explosion.
Tuong Lu Kim: [battered, comes into view] God-damned Mongolians attacked city wall again! [The kids and the Mongolians have a good laugh again.]
Millard Anderson: Mongolians?
Randy: What the hell are they doin' here?! Rabble! Rabble rabble!
Adults: Rabble rabble rabble rabble!
Richard: Wait a minute. Those Mongolians are... our children. [a shot of the kids and Mongolians]
Sheila: Ike? Kyle?
Sharon: My son has become a Mongolian? No! Noooo!! [buries her head in Randy's chest]
Richard: Oh God. What have we done? We sent our children away, and now they don't even remember who they are.
Roger: Kids? Don't you remember us?
Randy: Wait wait. I learned some Mongolian in college. [steps forth] Ah, let's see. Uh. K-kids, uh, Bi kute. Bi salnek kute. Uh-d tah tasobarro.
Stan: ["Budu e noo"] Oh my God, our parents are so stupid, dude. [squeezes his eyes shut and buries his face in his right hand]
Randy: Bi kute.
Roger: We are your parents. You used to live here, with us.
Kyle: Yeah, it was like four days ago!
Richard: They're starting to remember.
Randy: [walks quickly and kneels next to Stan] Staaan. Your name... is Staaan!
Stan: Uh huh, Stan Marsh.
Randy: [holds Stan firmly] That's it! Remember, son! Rememmmber! [the rest of the parents rush out and hug their own kids, crying in relief]
Richard: We're sorry, Tweek!
Roger: Are you okay, Clyde?
Stephen: [Butters' parents hug the wrong person - the Mongolian leader] Oh, son, can you ever forgive us?
Butters: Huh, I'm over here, Dad.
Stephen: Oh. [he and Linda rush to hug him]
Sheila: We're sorry, kids. We just let all those sensationalist news reports go to our heads.
Richard: Oh my God, do you see what this means? The Ghost of Human Kindness was right all along.
Roger: You mean how he said we should trust each other, or how he abducted children?
Richard: The uh... no, the part about being more trusting. We should follow what he said, not what he did.
Adults: Wow, yeah. Oh yeah.
Randy: No, no. You know who was right all along? The Mongolians. [a shot of the Mongolians] They knew that you just can't wall yourself off from the outside world. Putting walls up never helps anything. Tearing them down brings us together.
Adults: Whoa! Wow. Right!
Stephen: Yeah, the Mongolians were right. Yeah.
Tuong Lu Kim: Aw, you'd better not say what I think you're gonna say.
Mayor McDaniels: Mr. Lu Kim, tear down this wall!
Tuong Lu Kim: Oh, God! I hate this whole shitty!
Sharon: Randy, can we just take our son home now?
Randy: Yes, kids. [steps forward] With us, now come. Home. Hoomme. [all turn and walk towards town through the gap in the great wall]
Stan: [to Kyle] Jesus Christ, dude, they've done some stupid crap before, but Jesus Christ. [faces forward and continues walking]