Scene Description: The optometrist's office. A penguin sits above the OPTOMETRIST sign. Liane and Cartman are waiting in the lobby. Liane reads a magazine. A poster off to one side reads "Real eyes the beauty within."
Cartman: Mom, please can we just leave?
Liane: You have to see the eye doctor, Eric.
Cartman: But I hate the eye doctor. He always makes fun of me for being fat.
Liane: You're not fat, you're big-boned.
Cartman: That's what I told him, but he doesn't listen to reason.
Doctor's assistant: [at the door, flatly] Eric Cartman. [a poster behind her looks like her]
Cartman: [enters the examination room] Weak. [the assistant follows him in to close the door.]
Scene Description: Inside, Cartman stops
Optometrist: Hello, Eric.
Cartman: [resigned] Hi, Doctor Lout.
Doctor Lout: How's my little piggy today?
Cartman: [points his finger at him] Ey! Don't call me a little piggy!
Doctor Lout: I just say that because you're my little buddy.
Cartman: I'm just here for an eye exam, all right?! Keep the fat jokes to yourself!
Doctor Lout: Hop up on the chair. [Cartman hope up] Don't break it now!
Cartman: [turns around and sits] God damn it!
Doctor Lout: Just kidding. Let's see how your eyes are doing. [lowering a refractor to Cartman's eyes] All you have to do is read the letters. Can you see the letters?
Cartman: Yes.
Doctor Lout: All right, read them out for me.
Cartman: I am a little piggy. Ey! [the optometrist laughs. Cartman stands up on the chair and pushes the refractor away.] That does it! Mom!
Doctor Lout: No no. That, that was just a weird coincidence. [voice fades as he removes the card from the refractor] I do not know how that happened. [reads the card] "I am a little piggy." Wow! What are the odds of that? [throws it away] All right, let's get down to business, shall we? [places the refractor back on Cartman's face.]
Cartman: Oh gee! That's a good idea! My mom isn't paying you to be a comedian!
Doctor Lout: [begins to calibrate] Hmm, let's see, which is better: one, or two? One, or two?
Cartman: They look exactly the same.
Doctor Lout: Just pick one. Or two.
Cartman: I don't know, two!
Doctor Lout: [flips between two women] Okay. One, or two? One, or two?
Cartman: Uh, one.
Doctor Lout: [flips between an apple and a tall slice of chocolate cake] One, or two? One, or two?
Cartman: [chooses the cake] Two.
Doctor Lout: No! The answer is one, piggy! One! [hits Cartman through the refractor]
Cartman: Ow! I hate you!
Doctor Lout: [removes the refractor] Yes, there is obviously a problem with your eyes. I am gonna have to dilate them and run some tests.
Scene Description: Lunchtime at the school cafeteria. Stan, Kyle and Kenny stand in line to get their lunches
Kyle: I wonder how come Cartman's not in school today?
Stan: Yeah. Usually when he ditches school, he still shows up for lunch.
Kenny: {Maybe he took a dump and got sick.} [the others laugh]
Kyle: Yeah. [sees Cartman] Oh, here he comes.
Cartman: [with very dilated pupils] Hey dudes.
Stan: [squints hard for a better look] Whoa, what happened to your eyes, Cartman? [Kyle blinks hard]
Cartman: My asshole eye doctor made them all dilevated.
Kyle: Why?
Cartman: Why? I'll tell you why! Because he's a God-damned asshole, aaand, that's about it!
Stan: Why do you have to see an eye doctor?
Cartman: Because my eyes suck. But that doctor likes to torture me and I have to go back tomorrow, and I don't know what I'm gonna do.
Kyle: Dude, just ask Chef for help. He always knows what to do.
Cartman: Hey, yeah! [The four enter the kitchen, but Cartman runs into the entrance and falls on his way in.] Ow!
Scene Description: The kitchen. The boys approach the lunch counter
The Boys: Hey Chef!
Mr. Derp: [wearing a hair net and cook's cap] Hello there, children.
Cartman: [rubs his eyes] Dude, my eyes are seriously screwed up. Chef looks like a skinny little white guy.
Mr. Derp: It's time for lunch-e-roo
Stan: Where's Chef?
Mr. Derp: Chef quit.
The Boys: What?!
Mr. Derp: Chef is gone. So let my introduce myself. I'm your new cook, Mr. Derp. [ta-daaa!]
Kyle: Mr. Derp?
Mr. Derp: When I'm in the kitchen, you never know what nutty things are gonna happen. If you like Chef, you're gonna love Mr. Derp. [ta-daaa! Mr. Derp hits himself with a hammer and toddles] Ooo! Derp! [falls to the floor, then gets up] Derp! O-hoh wasn't that silly kids? [laughs, but the boys aren't impressed]
Stan: Why did Chef quit?
Mr. Derp: Aren't I a great character? My antics go right to the funny bone. [takes out a tiny cannon and shoots himself with it. His face is full of gunpowder] Oh, I don't feel so good. [laughs] Derp!
Stan: [after a moment of silence] Could you just hand us some food please?
Mr. Derp: Sure gang! I have yellow stuff or white stuff, huh. Derp!
Cartman: Can I have the yellow with a side of white?
Scene Description: the boys reenter the cafeteria with their lunches
Kyle: Dude! I hate Mr. Derp!
Stan: Yeah, we gotta talk to Chef after school and get him to come back.
Cartman: I don't know, you guys. That hammer thing was pretty funny. [chuckles]
Kyle: [looks back] Shut up, Cartman!
Scene Description: Chef's house. The boys reach the front door
Cartman: [runs into the door] Ow!
Chef: [wrapped in a lavender towel, opens the door] Oh! Hello there, children!
Stan: Chef, what the hell are you doing? We almost starved to death at lunch today.
Chef: Oh! Didn't they tell you? I quit.
Kyle: Yeah, but we didn't believe them.
Chef: Well, it's true.
Stan: But why? Why would you quit?
Chef: Children, three nights ago I was at the library checking out some books on Kama Sutra when I met the most amazing woman ever. She knew so much about so many things. She really got me thinking. We eventually came back to my place and really hit it off.
Stan: So you made sweet love to her down by the fire.
Chef: No no, we just sat there all night long and... taaalked.
Stan: Talked?!
Chef: Yeah. She told me all about the powers of goddess, and how men have been oppressing women for years and viewing them as sexual objects, and I realized that I had done that myself.
Woman: [walks up and looks out] Oh! What darling little children.
Chef: Here she is now. Children, meet my new girlfriend, Veronica.
Stan: [ignoring that statement] That's nice. Look Chef, Cartman's got this eye doctor, see, and he- Girlfriend?!
Chef: Children, Veronica is moving in with me.
Kyle: Moving in?!
Chef: I'm in love.
Boys: Love?!
Veronica: Oh, you knight. [cuddles Chef]
Stan: What the hell is going on?!
Chef: Veronica spent the whole day sharing her favorite poems with me.
Veronica: [teasing] Sorry boys, looks like I'm stealing Chef away from you.
Kyle: But Chef always helps us with our problems. When we have a problem, Chef sings to us and makes it better.
Chef: Well, I can still do that, children. In fact, Veronica can help me. She's a great singer, too.
Veronica: What's the problem?
Cartman: My eyes are going bad, but the only eye doctor in South Park is really, really mean.
Veronica: Oh, I know just the song for you. [reaches behind the door and pulls out a guitar. She starts to play it] There's got to be a morning after if we can hold on to the night [the boys are shocked, and Kenny pulls his hood tight]
Chef: [blandly] We have a chance to find the sunshine.
Chef, Veronica: Let's keep on looking for the light.
Kyle: This... is insane. [ "Oh, can't you see the-" ]
Scene Description: On the sidewalk. The boys walk away from Chef's house
Kyle: That bitch!
Stan: She's stealing Chef from us.
Kyle: He didn't even seem like Chef. He seemed like a empty shell of a man.
Cartman: Maybe it's just a phase. We just have to get him alone so we can tell him what a bitch she is.
Stan: Wait you guys. [pensive] Maybe, is it possible that we're just jealous because Chef is our friend, and now he's paying attention to somebody new? [the others think about it...]
Kyle: Yeah, so?
Stan: ...Yeah, screw that bitch.
Cartman: Bitch, I hate that bitch!
Kyle: Look, we've just gotta get Chef alone. He won't listen to reason with that hooker around.
Stan: Let's find out where he's working and go see him there tomorrow.
Kyle: Good idea.
Scene Description: The optometrist's office. Doctor Lout sits in the examination room holding a clipboard
Doctor Lout: All right, we got the test results back, piggy-
Cartman: [sits on the chair, his pupils normal again] Stop calling me piggy!
Doctor Lout: You've got a small astigmatism that's causing all the problems.
Cartman: So, what does that mean?
Doctor Lout: It means, piggy, that your eyesight is never going to get better.
Cartman: [seething] All right. Right now, I'm gonna be totally serious, dude. Okay? If you call me piggy one more time, I'm gonna leap out of this chair [throws a fit] and rip your god-damned nuts off with my bare hands!
Doctor Lout: Well, don't worry. I've got something that's going to make your eyes as good as new. [puts a pair of blocky glasses on Cartman]
Cartman: [after seeing how they look and fit] Oh, dude! Super weak! I'm not wearing these; the guys would totally rip on me.
Doctor Lout: I know, the hardest thing to do is get kids to wear their glasses.
Cartman: I'm just gonna take them off as soon as I leave!
Doctor Lout: That's why we have the little stapler. [takes it out and starts stapling the glasses to Cartman's head]
Cartman: Ow! Son of a bitch!
Scene Description: The streets of South Park. The boys, without Cartman, are in the business district looking...
Kyle: They said that Chef works in one of these buildings [the boys run into Cartman in front of Steinburg & Burgstein Accounting.]
Cartman: Hey dudes. [the others study him, then laugh. Cartman's hurt, but jabs] Ha ha ha ha! Look at Cartman and his stupid glasses! Ha ha ha ha!
Kyle: Dude! Just take them off!
Cartman: I can't! They're stapled to my head! [they study him again, then laugh harder.] I hate you guys.
Scene Description: Inside. The boys enter and see the receptionist
Receptionist: Hello and welcome to Steinburg & Burgstein. Can I help you?
Stan: We wanna talk to Chef.
Receptionist: Chef?
Kyle: He's a big guy, with a beard.
Stan: And a chef hat.
Kenny: {And a real huge dick.}
Receptionist: Oh! The black guy!
Stan: Huh?
Receptionist: Third cubicle on the left [directs them to the work area, where Chef's hat can be seen, but stops Cartman] Hey! Aren't you that cute little kid from Jerry Maguire?
Cartman: [dismissively] Uh, yeah, sure sure.
Receptionist: Wow! You really got fat.
Cartman: Ey!
Scene Description: The boys reach Chef's cubicle
Chef: Hello there, children.
Kids: Hey, Chef.
Chef: Eric, you got glasses!
Stan: Chef, you have to dump the bitch!
Chef: Huh?
Kyle: We need you, Chef.
Man: [pops up from another cubicle] Hey, Chef-o, we're gonna run down to the office supply store and get some leather holders for our pagers, you wanna come?
Chef: You bet! [the guy grins]
Kyle: Chef, this place isn't you!
Chef: Children, Veronica showed me that I've been living a very empty life. Meaningless sex is fun for twenty or thirty years, but after that, it starts to get old.
Stan: But we don't like her.
Chef: Why not??
Stan: I don't know-uh. No reason I guess.
Chef: Children, friends get girlfriends all the time. It's something even you will have to face with each other some day.
Kyle: No way, dude!
Cartman: Please, Chef! I don't know what to do about my stupid glasses.
Chef: That's easy! Get some laser corrective surgery. That's what I did.
Cartman: Hey! Laser corrective surgery! Thanks Chef!
Chef: You see? Everything's gonna be fine. Now how about I meet you boys after work and we can play ball?
Kids: Okay!
Scene Description: The bus stop. The boys wait for Chef. Cartman carries a bat in his right hand and a baseball in his left
Kyle: Chef should be here any minute.
Scene Description: The day passes into night, and Kenny falls asleep. Rats gather and nibble on him. The others stand watch waiting for Chef, but there's no sign of him. The night turns to day, and still no Chef. Kenny wakes up...
Stan: [pissed] Dude! He bailed on us!
Kyle: [pissed] I can't believe it!
Stan: Come on! We're going to his house! [they leave the bus stop]
Scene Description: Chef's house, inside. There's a knock on the door and Chef answers. The boys stand outside, angry.
Chef: Oh! Uh, hello there, children.
Kyle: All right, mister! You better have a good explanation for why you didn't show up to play ball!
Chef: Oh, children, I'm sorry. I forgot.
Stan: [sarcastic] You forgot!
Chef: Veronica surprised me at the office and took me out to dinner. [dreamy] She's so amazing.
Kyle: Well, we've got something to tell you about Veronica, Chef!
Veronica: [appears behind Chef] Hello, children!
Cartman: Ma'am, we're having a dude moment here, if you don't mind?
Chef: Children, I've got some great news for you. Veronica and I are getting married. [a dramatic riff signals the boys' alarm]
Stan: Oh no! No nononononono!
Chef: My whole family's coming here for the wedding, and I want you boys to come, too.
Veronica: This is so wonderful! Let's sing! [gets the guitar] There's got to be a morning after.
Chef: [blandly] If we can hold on through the night. [the boys are truly shocked] We have a chance to find the sunshine.
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, Mr. Garrison's class
Mr. Garrison: And that, children, is what you need to know about The Facts Of Life. So, let's review. [writes a diagram on the board] Tootie left in the fourth season, but Blair and Jo stayed on and got husbands, leaving the fifth and sixth seasons hideously stagnant. [the bell rings] Okay children, that's lunch. See you in thirty minutes. [the class leaves, but the boys walk up to Garrison]
Kyle: Mr. Garrison, can we talk to you?
Mr. Garrison: Sure.
Stan: Normally we go to Chef with our problems, but wuh we can't this time.
Mr. Garrison: [asserting himself] Well children, I am your teacher. I think you'll find that my advice is just as valuable as Chef's, if not more so.
Kyle: All right. Mr. Garrison, have you ever had a friend who got a new girlfriend, and then stopped being your friend, and it pissed you off?
Mr. Garrison: Oh, the old succubus syndrome.
Stan: What's a succubus?
Mr. Garrison: A succubus is a woman sent from Hell to suck the life out of a man.
Kyle: That's it!
Stan: Yeah!
Mr. Garrison: Yeah, there's not much you can do about a succubus. Their evil power makes man blind to love.
Kyle: This is totally what's happening!
Stan: Wow, you are smart, Mr. Garrison!
Mr. Garrison: Yeah, I tell you boys, women can kill. Poontang's expensive. That's why when it comes to chicks, I just screw them and leave them. I'd say "get out of my bedroom, poontang, before you suck my life dry!"
Kyle: Thanks, Mr. Garrison.
Mr. Garrison: Sure, kids. [the boys leave the classroom]
Mr. Hat: You're not fooling anyone!
Mr. Garrison: Shut your hole, Mr. Hat!
Scene Description: South Park business district. The boys head back to Steinburg & Burgstein
Kyle: Come on guys! We gotta go tell Chef he's in love with a succubus.
Stan: Yeah! He's gonna be so thankful we told him. [a small station wagon pulls up, driven by Cartman's mom]
Liane: There you are, Eric! Come on, we have to go to the eye doctor.
Cartman: Oh, no!
Liane: Come on. Do you want your laser corrective surgery or not?
Cartman: Yes, but can't we wait until tomorrow.
Liane: Now, hon.
Cartman: But mo-om! I have to tell Chef that he's marrying a succubuuus!
Scene Description: Chef's house. People are milling around outside as Stan, Kyle, and Kenny arrive. Stan rings the doorbell, and an elderly gray-haired man answers
Chef's dad: Hello there, children.
Stan: Who are you?
Chef's dad: I'm Chef's father. We just flew in for the wedding.
Kyle: Oh, hi. Is Chef here? We have to talk to him.
Chef's dad: Well, come on in. [they enter]
Scene Description: Once inside, Chef's dad closes the door
Kyle: There he is! [rushes in]
Scene Description: The fitting room. Chef's dad shows them in, then leaves. A tailor takes Chef's measurements for the pants as Veronica walks by. Chef is wearing the finished coat and shirt.
Stan: Chef, we have to talk to you!
Chef: Who? Not now, children! I gotta get fitted for my britches! Be right back. [hurries away. Stan's head drops, then the boys walk away.]
Scene Description: The living room. The boys reach the sofa and hop up to sit on it. Chef's parents sit across from them on the love seat. An uneasy silence follows
Chef's dad: Well, aren't you crackers just cute as the dickens?
Stan: You're Chef's parents?
Chef's mom: Yes, all his life.
Kyle: We have to talk to him!
Chef's dad: Well, he should be out now directly.
Chef's mom: Oh, he's so excited about the wedding now.
Chef's dad: Say, would you crackers like to hear about the time we saw the Loch Ness monster?
Stan: No, that's okay.
Chef's dad: Ooh, it must've been about seven, eight years ago. Me and the little lady was out on this boat, you see, all alone at night, when all of a sudden this huge creature, this giant crustacean from the paleolithic era, comes out of the water.
Chef's mom: We was so scared, Lord have mercy, I jumped up in the boat and I said "Thomas, what on earth is that creature?!"
Thomas: It stood above us looking down with these big red eyes,-
Chef's mom: Oh, it was so scary!
Thomas: and I yelled. I said, "What do you want from us, monster?!" And the monster bent down and said, "...Uh I need about tree-fitty." [a long silence follows]
Kyle: What's tree-fitty?
Thomas: Three dollars and fifty cents.
Chef's mom: Tree-fitty.
Stan: He wanted money?
Thomas: That's right. I said "I ain't giving you no tree-fitty you goddamn Loch Ness monster! Get your own goddamn money!"
Chef's mom: I gave him a dollar.
Thomas: She gave him a dollar.
Chef's mom: I thought he'd go away if I gave him a dollar.
Thomas: Well of course he's not gonna go away, Nellie! You give him a dollar, he's gonna assume you got more!
Scene Description: The optometrist's office. Cartman is on the examination chair flanked by a nurse on each side. He is wearing a breathing mask. Doctor Lout moves around him
Doctor Lout: Okay, let's get started. You're here for the liposuction, right? [the nurses giggle]
Cartman: Hey! You son of a bitch!
Doctor Lout: All right. Time to laser me a little piggy. [the nurses giggle]
Cartman: Ey! You son of a bitch! I'm gonna kick you square in the nuh- [Doctor Lout turns up the sleeping gas] I'm gonyanya, uhnyuh, uhnyuuh, nyaahh [the gas knocks him out]
Doctor Lout: I bet his mom wishes she could do that.
Scene Description: Chef's house. Thomas is still telling the story...
Thomas: And that was the third time we saw the Loch Ness monster. Then one time, I believe it was July-
Nellie: August.
Thomas: August. There's a knock on the door. I open it, and there's this cute little girl scout-
Nellie: And she was so adorable, with the little pig tails and all.
Thomas: And she says to me, "How would you like to buy some cookies?" And I said "Well, what kind do you have?" She had thin mints, graham crunchy things-
Nellie: Raisin oatmeal.
Thomas: Raisin oatmeal, and I said "We'll take a graham crunch. How much will that be?" And she looks at me and she says, "...Uh I need about tree-fitty."
Nellie: ...Tree-fitty.
Thomas: Well, it was about that time that I notice that girl scout was about eight stories tall and was a crustacean from the protozoic era.
Nellie: The Loch Ness monster.
Thomas: I said, "Dammit monster! Get off my lawn! I ain't giving you no tree-fitty!" It said, "how about just two-fitty?" I said, "Oh, now it's only two-fitty!! What?! Is there a sale on Loch Ness munchies or something?!"
Nellie: Lord, he was angry.
Thomas: Damn right, I was angry!
Nellie: Not you, the monster. He was about to kick your ass.
Thomas: Aah, shut your mouth, woman!
Stan: Uh, could you just tell Chef we were here?
Thomas: Sure. That crazy old monster [Stan, Kyle, and Kenny walk out] Now, then the fourth time I saw the...
Scene Description: Cartman's room. Cartman is in bed recovering from the laser corrective surgery on his eyes. Patches cover his eyes and are taped to his face. There's a knock on his door, and the boys enter
Stan: [disappointed] Cartman, what the hell are you doing?!
Cartman: That asshole eye doctor screwed up my laser surgery; I have to wear these bandages for three days!
Stan: Damn, your eyes must really suck, Cartman.
Cartman: Oh, thanks for the news flash, Tom Brokaw! What happened with Chef? Did you tell him she's a succubus?
Stan: Well, we couldn't even talk to him. She's so evil. She has him totally kept away from us.
Liane: [entering] Eric, you have a little visitor. Is that all right? [the others face her]
Cartman: Okay. [Liane leaves, and Veronica soon enters]
Veronica: Hello, boys. I heard Eric had laser surgery, so I made him a pie.
Cartman: Aaah! It's the succubus! [looks in her direction as the others jump, and Kenny pulls his hood tight]
Veronica: Huh?
Stan: We know what you are, lady!
Kyle: Yeah! You're a blood-thirsty succubus!
Veronica: A what?
Stan: A demon from Hell sent to suck the life out of men!
Veronica: [sweetly] Boys, you know how silly that sounds, don't you?
Kyle: Well, you are taking Chef from us. [Kenny has loosened his hood]
Veronica: [sets the pie down on the floor] Boys, come here. I want to explain this to you. I know Chef is your friend, but Chef is a grown man. He has needs you boys can't fulfill. He wants a life with me because I make him happy. Do you understand?
Stan: I guess.
Veronica: Good. Oh and boys. Just one more thing. I'm going to marry Chef tomorrow, [her face becomes that of a demon's, with blood-red eyes and sharp teeth, and her voice grows sinister] And there's not a God-damned thing you can do about it! [laughs evilly. Stan and Kyle jump and scream, and Kenny pulls his hood tight again. Her face resets itself] Toodle-oo! [leaves]
Stan: Jesus dude! [the boys are trembling, and Kenny keeps that hood tight]
Cartman: What? What happened?
Scene Description: King Jimmy's Buffet. A banner spans the front of the restaurant, saying, "Closed for Wedding Rehearsal Dinner Party." Chef, his family, Veronica, and other guests are present. Soft jazz plays in the background.
Thomas: Could I have your attention please? [the guests quiet down and the music stops] Tomorrow, my son is gonna get married to a beautiful lady. [sniffles] I'm very happy for them both. [sobs] Ooh there I go! I told myself I wasn't gonna cry, now.
Chef: It's okay, pop.
Nellie: Thomas, you're gonna get me going now. [sobs]
Thomas: Oh, I remember when Chef was just a three-year-old little man. He came running up to me with a big smile and his little chef's hat on, and he said, "Poppa, poppa!" I said "What do you need, Chef, my boy?", and he said, "...I need about tree-fitty."
Nellie: ...Tree-fitty.
Thomas: Well, it was about that time I got suspicious. I said, "Chef, why do you need tree-fitty?" He said, "My imaginary friend Goo-Goo the dinosaur wants it." I went to my son's room, and sure enough, there was the Loch Ness monster!
Nellie: Oh, it was scary!
Thomas: I said, "Dammit monster! You stop bugging my children now! We work for our money in this house and we don't give money away!"
Scene Description: the door opens, and the boys enter
Stan: Excuse me! [the boys stop at the register] We're sorry to interrupt, but we've got bad news. [the boys approach the head table]
Kyle: [pointing to Veronica] This is not a woman! It is a succubus!
Chef: What?!
Stan: Yeah! She's evil and wants to suck Chef's life out of him
Veronica: [hurt] Children! That hurts my feelings.
Kyle: [unmoved] Oh, you can pretend all you want! You're not fooling anybody!
Chef: All right guys! That's enough! I have had it with you! This is the happiest time of my life, and you can't be happy for me!
Stan: Chef, but-
Chef: No buts, Stan! [Veronica starts crying, and he cradles her] I love this woman, and I am marrying her! Now you can either accept that, or get out of my life! Now if you'll excuse us, we're having a party. [the boys exit]
Thomas: So I chased the monster down the street, you see...
Scene Description: Outside, the boys walk away from the restaurant
Kyle: I guess there's nothing we can do. Chef likes her more than us.
Stan: No! I'm not willing to give up! Chef wouldn't give up on us!
Scene Description: Cartman's room, morning. Cartman is in bed with patches over his eyes. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny are reading books on demonology
Stan: Oh man! There's tons of stuff on succubuses, but nothing on how to stop them.
Cartman: You guys, it's six in the morning, I have to get some sleep.
Stan: Dude! Chef's wedding is in three hours. We've got that much time to find out how to destroy a Succubus.
Cartman: You know what?! Screw Chef! There, I said it! Screw him! Let him marry a succubus! I wanna go to sleep. [rolls over]
Kyle: Here! Here! Look at this. It says "The succubus enchants its victim with an eerie melody. This is the Succubi power. Only playing this melody backwards can vanquish the succubus power."
Stan: What the hell does that mean?
Kyle: I don't know.
Kenny: [closes his book and expounds] (Hey, you guys! You guys, I think I know precisely what it's saying. It says that we've gotta go and find a pile of records and get the one that has the entire lyrics, and then we gotta get into learning to rearrange them.)
Stan: Right.
Kenny: (And then we gotta go down and get a piece of paper and write down each one of the words we sang on the tape deck. And then, sing it back again!)
Stan: Yeah?
Kenny: (That's what that means!)
Stan: Oh-hoho!
Kyle: Hey yeah! What's that song she always sings? There's got to be a morning after.
Cartman: [picks up] If we can hold on to the night. We've got to find our way together...
Stan: That's it! We gotta learn that song backwards.
Kyle: [doubting] In three hours.
Scene Description: First Church of South Park. A banner above the lower cross reads "Congratulations Chef and Veronica." People are streaming in for the wedding
Kyle: Ah man! I can't keep my eyes open. [Cartman is nodding off, too]
Stan: We can't fall asleep. We gotta nail that song. [turns to Cartman] You got the tape recorder, Cartman? Cartman?? [taps him]
Kyle: He's asleep. Wake up fatass!
Cartman: [rattled] What what what?
Stan: God-damnit! You can't fall asleep.
Cartman: I wasn't sleeping, I was just thinking really hard!
Thomas: [telling his tale to Randy and Sharon] ...And then these aliens had me up on their ship, right? They was probing me and all that.
Nellie: We had taco salad that night.
Thomas: Don't matter what we had for dinner woman! Now this alien had a big head and big black eyes, and it was all bent over me. I said, "What do you want from me, alien?!" and do you know what he said?
Nellie: Tree-fitty.
Thomas: Uh. Let me tell the damn story now! He said, "tree-fitty." And so I realized I that it wasn't no alien, it was that God-damned Loch Ness monster again, trying to trick me into giving him tree-fitty by dressing up like an alien. Don't that just beat all?!
Nellie: I had just given him tree-fitty the week before.
Thomas: What?! You gave that monster another damn tree-fitty?!
Nellie: [somewhat defensive] He tricked me.
Thomas: Well no wonder the damn monster keeps coming back to our house! You keep giving it tree-fitty!
Scene Description: The ceremony begins. An usher goes up to a turntable and sets the needle down on a record. Veronica enters in a traditional wedding gown
Stan: There she is! ["Here Comes the Bride" plays. Chef and Priest Maxi await her.]
Stan: [as Veronica walks by] Bitch. Bitch.
Kyle: [joins in] Bitch.
Stan: Bitch.
Kyle: Dirty bitch.
Stan: [to Cartman] All right. Kyle and I are gonna take our positions up front.
Cartman: Okay. [Stan and Kyle leave]
Priest Maxi: Do you, Chef, take this woman as your lawful-wedded wife, to have and to-
Chef: Iii do!
Nellie: Aaah, my baby's getting married!
Priest Maxi: And do you, Veronica, take Chef to be your daddy?
Veronica: I do!
Priest Maxi: And now a special sharing of vows through song.
Stan: [as "A Morning After" begins] Here it goes.
Veronica: There's got to be a morning after. [the needle is removed and there's no more music]
Stan: Now, Cartman! [Kyle holds the needle in his left hand. The crowd gasps and Veronica is pissed]
Kyle: Now, Cartman!! [No response. Cartman is asleep again.]
Chef: [looks over] Children! You are screwing up my wedding! [Priest Maxi and Veronica turn to face them]
Veronica: I'll take care of them! [begins to move towards them]
Kyle: Cartman!! Wake up you fat piece of crap!! [Kenny punches Cartman]
Cartman: Ow! [Veronica reaches Stan and Kyle, but the backwards version of "A Morning After" soon plays]
Stan, Kyle: [singing on the tape] Light the for looking on keep let's sunshine...
Veronica: [stops] Aaargh!
Stan, Kyle: The find to chance a have we night-
Veronica: Noooo! [the whites of her eyes flash red for a few seconds]
Chef: [sees Veronica transform] What the-?!
Stan, Kyle: -the to on- [the tape balks and reverses to a halt]
Cartman: Oh no! The tape jammed! [Veronica transforms again, this time tearing through the gown, revealing her huge wings and succubus body. The congregation reacts with groans and screams]
Man: Oh my God!
Women: Oh my God!
Chef: What the-?! [everyone else falls silent]
Thomas: She's a goddam Succubus!
Nellie: Succubus trying to take my baby! [the succubus roars and flies into the air. As she hovers over the congregants, they scream and dive under the pews]
Scene Description: Outside, The doors open and people pour out
Scene Description: Inside, Stan and Kyle try to get Cartman's attention again
Stan: Come on Cartman!
Cartman: [pressing every button on the tape player] I can't see anything!
Kenny: [tries to help] (Wait...) [the succubus lands on Kenny, breaking the pew in half. Kenny is dead under her feet]
Stan: Oh my God! She killed Kenny!
Kyle: You bastard!
Nellie: [with a stick, runs at the succubus] You damn monster! Get away from my baby!
Thomas: [reaching into his pocket] Hold on, now, I'll see if I have tree-fitty!
Nellie: [gets a few blows in, but the succubus knocks her away] Oh my-
Cartman: [presses the right button] Got it! [music resumes]
Stan, Kyle: -the to on hold can we if after [the succubus grips her head with both hands, roaring in pain]morning a be to got There's Warm and safe that's... [the ground opens up, flames appear, and the succubus drops down into the hole. The flames leave with her. Chef walks up to the hold and looks over it]
Mr. Garrison: [sits up in his pew] Hoh, wow! You don't see that every day!
Stan: [walks up with Kyle to Chef] We're sorry Chef, we had to do it!
Chef: [sadly] No I'm, I'm glad you did, children. Now that she's gone, I can't really figure out what I ever saw in her.
Mr. Garrison: [to man on his right] Poontang's poontang.
Chef: Come on, children. Let's go get some ice cream.
Stan, Kyle: Hooray! [the three walk out. As they do, people start rising from under the pews]
Cartman: What? What happened you guys? Is Kenny okay?
Scene Description: The cafeteria kitchen. Chef is back at the counter as the boys enter.
Chef: Hello there, children!
Stan, Kyle: Hey, Chef!
Chef: How would you like some fish sticks and tater tots?
Stan: [cheerfully] We'd love them!
Kyle: It's great to have you back Chef!
Chef: Yeah, well, I learned a very important lesson this week: [begins to sing]Sometimes you fall in love and you think it feels that way forever.You change your life and didn't know your friends cause you think it can't get any better.But then love goes away; no matter what, it doesn't stay as strong.And then you're left with nothing, cause your tinking with your dong.So watch out for that love bug! It can destroy like a typhoon wind!Just play it cool and don't be a fool...
Mr. Garrison: [from the entrance] And never let poontang come between you and your friend.
Chef: Daaamn right, Garrison! [song fades out]
Scene Description: The optometrist's office. Cartman walks in with a large ice box. His bandages are off. Now we know why he wasn't at school with Stan and Kyle.
Doctor Lout: Oh, hello, piggy. How are your eyes doing?
Cartman: After today they're gonna be fine, and I'll never have to see you ever again!
Doctor Lout: I don't think that's possible, piggy, not with your eyes.
Cartman: No, not with my eyes. With these! [takes Kenny's frozen head out of the box to show the eyes] Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Doctor Lout: Was he an organ donor?
Cartman: Eh-sure.
Doctor Lout: All right, then let's get to work. [Cartman gets in the chair, and the optometrist pulls out Kenny's left eye] Say, you don't have three dollars and fifty cents on you, do you?
Stan, Kyle: [Over end credits"A Morning After" plays backwards] Light the for looking on keep let's Sunshine the find to chance a have we Night the to on hold can we if After morning a be to got there's Warm and safe that's...


Scene Description: The boys are camping near Stark's Pond. They've set up a campfire and are roasting marshmallows. Cartman plays a harmonica.
Cartman: You guys, listen to this song I just wrote. It's called, "I Hate You Guys": [plays four notes before each line] I hate you guys. You guys are assholes. Specially Kenny. [the other three glare at him] I hate him the most.
Cartman: Okay now, let's try one all together: I hate you guys. Come on, you guys know the words. Specially Kenny.
Kyle: This is sweet, being rugged outdoorsmen. ["Hey you guys, sing the song!"] Facing the wilderness, not having to be home until 8:30,... [Cartman gets up and walks away]
Stan: Where are you going?
Cartman: I'm going home for a minute. I have to go to the bathroom.
Kyle: Just go behind a tree.
Cartman: I have to go number two.
Stan: So? You can poo in the wilderness.
Cartman: No way, dude! What would I wipe with?
Kyle: Cartman, don't be such a baby! We're supposed to be rugged outdoorsmen!
Cartman: Well what do I sit on?
Kyle: You just squat, stupid! [Cartman begins to lower his pants...]
Stan: Not here! Go further away!
Cartman: [moves away] God, I'm glad you guys know all these "pooping outside" rules! [he squats some distance away and begins] Urgh. Come on, now.
Kyle: Watch out for ground eels! [he, Stan and Kenny begin to laugh]
Cartman: Stop, you guys! I can't think!
Kyle: What do you have to think about?
Cartman: I have to think about... planes dropping bombs, and dump trucks, and self-serve ice cream... [a dump is heard] Oh, that did it.
Stan: Sick, dude!
Scene Description: In the lake, the water becomes agitated, and a bubble comes up. Cartman pulls out his harmonica and plays again
Cartman: Poopin' outside, [a rear shot] Makin' self-serve ice cream For my friends Specially Kenny. Hey, Kenny, Can I borrow one of your gloves? [a yellow creature peeks out between the trees. It is the one looking at Cartman's rear.]
Kenny: (Here you go.) [begins to walk to Cartman, but realizes what it's to be used for] (No way!) [goes back to roasting his marshmallow]
Cartman: [hears some rustling and zips up immediately] What the?
Creature: [running through the trees] Oohma poota!
Cartman: Oh my God! Come on, you guys, come look at this!
Stan: [thinking of poo] We don't wanna look at it, Cartman!
Cartman: [urging] You guys, get over here!
Kyle: No way, dude!
Cartman: I'm serious now! [the boys walk over to the spot] Look. Over by those bushes.
Kyle: What?
Creature: Meesa scared!
Stan: I see it!
Cartman: Come on! Let's kill it! [the boys move forward]
Kyle: [steps in the poo and looks at his shoe] Aw, Cartman! You're supposed to bury it!
Scene Description: Jimbo's lodge. This is where Huntin' and Killin' is shot. Inside, Jimbo is watching TV and Ned, in a short kimono, looks for something.
Announcer: Look at this sword. Only on House Shopping Network. It has a dragon on the blade. [close-up of the samurai sword] It's got a dragon painted right on the blade! You should buy the samurai sw-
Jimbo: Ned, how the hell could you lose your voice box?! [Ned tries to speak] I can't hear you, Ned. You don't have a trachea. You smoked too much and you had it removed. And then you drank too much and you lost your god-damned voice box, Ned!
Ned: [eructing] Shut... up... Jimbo.
Jimbo: Aw, Ned, don't burp-talk. That just sicks me out.
Stan: [outside] I saw it this way!
Kyle: Over here!
Cartman: [trying to keep up] Come on, you guys!
Scene Description: The boys reach the lodge.
Jimbo: [opens the door] What the hell's goin' on?!
Stan: Uncle Jimbo, Cartman found a big animal creature and it ran over that way!
Jimbo: Hold on, I'll get my shotgun! Ned! Ned, come on! [goes in, and reappears with his gun. Ned follows him out the door] Where did it go?
Kyle: It just ran by here a second ago. [rustling is heard]
Jimbo: [cocks the shotgun] Sounds like it ran into the ostrich trap! [all move slowly around a corner] Sshh. Now keep quiet. All right. I'm gonna turn my flashlight on. It may get startled, so be ready. [turns it on and flashes it into the trap]
Creature: Ooba jaaga!
Jimbo: Holy Crow! I've never seen anything like it!
Creature: Meesa gonna die? Wooo-wowoop!
Cartman: Heheh. Hey-heh, that thing's funny.
Kyle: [annoyed] It's stupid.
Jimbo: Well, let's kill it.
Cartman: [intervening] No! No. Don't.
Jimbo: Huh?
Cartman: I like it.
Kyle: You don't like anything, Cartman! [the creature is shaking from fright, and Cartman looks at it affectionately]
Jimbo: Well, all right. Ned, get the Mayor on the phone, tell her that we... hoh yeah, he can't talk. All right, never mind, I'll do it.
Scene Description: South Park, the next day.
Jimbo: Yeah, it was like wrestling a Louisiana alligator, this thing. Put up one hell of a fight. [the crowd murmurs and the creature just stares out of the cage. His view is that of a fish lens]
Sheila: [walks up to it] Hello there. Who's the cute baby? Who's the fuzzy, huh? Yes, that's a cutie. [three men with briefcases walk up]
FED: Mayor, we're from the Department of Interior.
Mayor: Ooh, yes. How are you?
DOI 1: [the one with black hair] Fine, just fine.
DOI 2: [the one with red hair] Fine, just fine.
DOI 3: [the one with brown hair] Fine.
Mayor: Right over here. [she shows them the creature and they stare in awe]
DOI 2: My God, McClanahan, do you believe it? [DOI 3 is just stunned]
Creature: Meesa needa Jakov. [raises its arms] Dwooooooo!
DOI 1: Mm-it's amazing.
Mayor: What?
DOI 1: Mayor, this is a jakovasaur. A live one has never been seen.
Mayor: Oh, neato.
DOI 2: Incredible. [turns to look at the Mayor] We know of this creature only from remains frozen in snow.
DOI 1: Do you realize what this means? We could use its DNA and have a chance of bringing the entire jakovasaur species back from extinction.
Cartman: Wow! Cool!
Ned: [eructing] Is... there... re... ward... money? [the DOI agents look at him]
Jimbo: Huh, cut it out, Ned! That's just disgusting!
DOI 2: This one jakovasaur can mother an entire population of the animals.
Woman: Well, in that case, I think we should name it... Hope.
Woman 2: Hope.
Man: Yes, Hope.
Hope: Meesa name Junjun.
Stan: I think his name is Junjun.
Mayor: Hope. Why, that's a perfectly beautiful name!
DOI 1: Now we must find a safe place for it.
Mr. Garrison: I'll keep it at my house.
Mayor: No, Garrison, you'll just try to have sex with it!
Junjun: Uuh?!
Mr. Garrison: What?! How dare you say that?!
Mayor: Garrison, you remember what happened to the wounded pigeon you were supposed to take care of?!
Mr. Garrison: Oh, come on! You all know that pigeon was a total slut.
Rancher: Oh, I got a barn it can stay in. It ain't much, but it's heated.
DOI 1: Well, that sounds fine, just fine.
DOI 3: Fine, just fine.
DOI 2: Fine.
Mr. Garrison: Now, wait a minute. I wanna clear the air here. We all know that pigeon was a whore. Raise your hand if you didn't sleep with that pigeon? [everyone around him raises his or her hand] Oh, whatever!
Scene Description: That night, something mysterious is happening at Stark's Pond. The water is agitated again, and another jakovasaur rises out of the water. It sees a pup tent and rushes to it. It finds a backpack next to it and searches it. The following address shows up: E. Cartman, 21208 E. Bonaza Cir., South Park, CO. But Cartman is at home looking at the House Shopping Network on TV.
Announcer: It's got a dragon painted on the blade. This is the Sumatomi sword-
Cartman: [wondering] Wow, a dragon right on the blade. Mom, can I get a Sumatomi sword used by the ancient Tokugawa soldiers??
Liane: [from somewhere else] I'll think about it, hon.
Cartman: Sweet. [someone knocks on the front door] Mom, somebody's at the door.
Liane: Mommy's busy, boopie-kins.
Cartman: Should I get it?
Liane: [in bed, with torch and bong in hand] Go ahead, snookums. It's probably one of your little friends.
Cartman: Okay.
Liane: [inhales, with a manly voice] Hmmm. [two men are in bed with her. One of them is her congressman, O'Reilly]
Scene Description: The knocking continues.
Cartman: Okay, okay, hold your horses! God! [opens the door and screams. An angry jakovasaur glares at him. Cartman backs into the living room] Mom, it's another Stark's Pond creature!
Liane: That's nice, muffin.
Jakovasaur: Please help me. Whoa-oh-oh-oh. [falls on his face and gets up] Please help me find Junjun. She has been gone since last night, and I'm worried sick.
Cartman: You mean the other jakovasaur?
Jakovasaur: What means a jakovasaur?
Cartman: You're a jakovasaur; that's what they call you.
Jakovasaur: Oh. Cool beans.
Cartman: But the other jakovasaur talked different.
Jakovasaur: That's 'cause Junjun's a girl. Girls talk different.
Cartman: I have to call my friends over; they're never gonna believe it.
Jakovasaur: Please take me to Junjun. We're the last of our kind. There are only two of us left.
Scene Description: Cartman's room. He's telling his friends what he learned.
Cartman: He's the last of his kind, you guys. There's only two of them left. [the others stay silent, looking at him]
Kyle: Did you smoke some of your mom's crack?
Cartman: Will you stop with the whole "mom smoking crack" thing?! It's a old joke!
Jakovasaur: [hidden] Eric, do you have any more cookies? [Cartman turns his head aside and grins]
Stan: Who's that? One of your mom's boyfriends?
Cartman: No, that was a jakovasaur. It's okay to come in. [the closet door opens and the jakovasaur comes out]
Stan: Wow!
Cartman: Jakov, I want you to meet my friends.
Jakov: Huhello, guys. I love new friends. [trips and flies across the room, then clears his head. A rattling noise is heard]
Cartman: Hahahahaheh, isn't he funny?
Stan: [put off] No, he's annoying.
Kyle: What are we supposed to do with him?
Cartman: We have to take him to that rancher's barn to see his girlfriend.
Stan: Why don't we just tell our parents?
Cartman: No! Why don't you wanna to understand? We have to do this ourselves.
Scene Description: The rancher's barn, that same night. The boys break into the barn with Jakov.
Stan: [softly] Sshh! Be quiet. We could get in big trouble for being here.
Jakov: [sees his mate and can't help it] Junjun!
Stan: [softly, curtly] Sh! Keep quiet, stupid!
Jakov: [rushes up to her] Oh, Junjun, I'm so glad you're okay! [she's sitting on some hay]
Kyle: [softly, curtly] Dude, have you ever heard of whispering?!
Jakov: [turns around] I am whispering! [steps on a rake, whose handle smacks him on the head] Yyeow!
Cartman: [laughing] Haaahahahah. You're so funny, Jakov.
Jakov: [soothing his head] I am?
Stan: Okay, uh, Jakov, why don't you just take bunga here and go back to Stark's Pond?
Jakov: Oh, I don't know. This place is kinda nicer than Stark's Pond. [the barn doors open to show the Mayor, the rancher, and the DOI agents looking quite angry.]
Junjun: Aw, we's in big doodoo now.
Jakov: Uh oh.
Scene Description: Jimbo's lodge, daytime. Ned is on the phone.
Operator: Hello, and welcome to Voice Box Express, your #1 source for voice boxes. I'm Amanda. How may I help you?
Ned: [eructing] Yes... Hello..., um..., I... lost... my... voice... box...
Amanda: Excuse me?
Ned: I... lost... my... voice... box...
Amanda: [after a long pause] Excuse me?
Ned: [faster, after a pause] I... lost... my... voice... box... [Jimbo enters the room and Ned hangs up]
Jimbo: Hey Ned, look what I bought you! A new voice box! [Ned reaches for it, but Jimbo keeps it out of reach, teasing Ned] You want it? You want it? Yeah! Do you? Yeah! You want it? All right, here you go. [hands him the box] Well, try it out!
Ned: [crisply] Mmm. Aw, Jimbo, I can't thank you enough for the new voice box. Gmmm, now, what in the devil is this thing?
Jimbo: Oh, no, I must have picked up the Irish model by mistake.
Ned: Mmm-aw, what a bloody pickle this is! Did you keep the receipt, then?
Man: [barges in] You guys come quick! I've only just heard!
Jimbo: What? What is it?
Man: They've found another one! They've found another jakovasaur! [silence]
Ned: Gmmm, blimey.
Scene Description: South Park Square. The Mayor stands on stage with the DOI agents and the two jakovasaurs as the townsfolk filter in. The boys stand in front of the steps on the left side of the stage.
Mayor: [on the mic] Here with more on the status of the jakovasaurs is Department of Interior guy.
DOI 1: Thank you, Mayor. [takes over] The noble jakovasaur is on the brink of extinction. And now, you, as a community, have a chance to bring them back.
Cartman: [reading his acceptance speech] "Thank you, Mayor, for this distinctive honor..."
Kyle: What are you doing, fatass?!
Cartman: I'm preparing my speech for when they call me up to congratulate on me on my discovery. "Thank you, Mayor, for this distinctive honor..."
DOI 1: ...Hope and Jakov are the last of their kind. But with the help of the Mayor, we have implemented a plan to help them breed. We will give them a home and a fighting chance at survival.
Man: [amid much chatter] Yea for us!
Jakov: Thank you!
Mayor: And now, the little boy who first discovered the jakovasaurs, Eric Cartman!
Cartman: [walks to the podium and speaks] Thank you, Mayor, for this honorable distinction.
Man 2: Well, that's about it. Let's go.
Man 3: Yeah. [the crowd begins to disperse]
Cartman: You know, there's really only two seasons here in South Park: Winter, and July, heh heh heh. But, but um, seriously, South Park has always been a place of discovery for me... [finds himself all alone in the square] Ey, you sons of bitches! Get back here! I'm having a god-damned distinctive honor!
Scene Description: The jakovasaurs' new home. Everyone involved in finding and caring for the jakovasaurs is there.
Jakov: Wow!! It's so pretty!
DOI 1: Well, Jakov, we hope this new home "inspires" you and Hope to uh, hm, you know... [the room falls silent]
Jakov: What?
DOI 2: Well, we'd love to see more jakovasaurs, so, maybe you two should uuh...
Jakov: What?
DOI 3: Get to some business. [make a ring with the thumb and index finger of one hand and sticks the other index finger through the ring]
Jakov: [scratches his head] What??
Kyle: They want you to have sex, God-damnit!!
Jakov: Ooohh.
Mayor: [as the rest leave the house] We'll just leave you two lovebirds alone.
Jakov: Well, all right, then. [the Mayor closes the door]
Scene Description: The jakovasaurs have no idea what to do, so they don't do anything. Outside, the boys, the agents, the Mayor, the rancher, and Jimbo wait for something to happen. Sure enough, things are heard falling inside. Jakov is heard moaning and yelling as he stumbles around. Junjun runs out of the house and Jakov stands at the entrance.
Junjun: Meesa just don't wanna!
Jakov: [walking out] I don't know what to do!
DOI 1: Jakov, to have sex, all you need to do is, well, you know, put your... [sees there's nothing where something should be] Hmmm. [stroke his chin] I guess we don't know exactly how jakovasaurs mate.
DOI 2: [holds his index finger up] There is... another option.
Scene Description: Mephesto's ranch. The boys, the agents, and the Mayor are present with the jakovasaurs. Jakov and Junjun are on the examination table.
Mephesto: I've managed to artificially inseminate Hope with your semen.
Jakov: I have seamen? Where's their boat? [imitates a fog horn] Arrrrr-urrrrr! Arrrrr-urrrrr! [Cartman laughs]
Mephesto: Yes, yes, that's... very funny, Jakov. [Jakov stops] I... will need to examine Hope once more to see if the process worked. [sticks a syringe into Junjun's arm and draws a blood sample. Junjun reacts immediately as Mephesto goes to his microscope]
Junjun: Oh-wwoooooop! Oh-wwoooooop!
Jakov: [adds his reaction] Arrrrr-urrrrr! Arrrrr-urrrrr!
Stan: God-damn!
Kyle: Shut up!!
Mephesto: Yes! Yes, I think it worked! [Jakov and Junjun stop as Mephesto turns to face the group] You are going to be parents!
DOI 3: Yeah!
DOI 2: We did it!
Jakov: Now I can be like all the other guys in South Park!
Stan: [to Kyle] Dude, do we really want another one of these things hanging around?
Scene Description: The Marsh house. A football game is heard inside. Next, several men are behind or sitting on the sofa. Seated are Randy, Gerald, and Stuart, and behind are Chef, Mr. Mackey, and Mr. Garrison. Jakov is seated next to them on a folding chair. Jakov will now know what it is to be one of the guys.
Commentator: ...and Bubby Brister is having a great first quarter! Let's see what trickery he uses here. Here's the snap, and he's down-
Jakov: Thanks for inviting me to watch the game, guys!
Randy: No problem, Jakov.
Commentator: To the 40-yard line!
Men: Yea!
Jakov: Go Niners! Ni-ners!
Gerald: We're rooting for the Broncos here, Jakov!
Jakov: Oooops!
Commentator: ...to Terrell Davis! He's at the 50, the 40, the 30,... [the men are happy]
Jakov: You guys know what? [they angrily snap their heads in his directions] This one time, I was watching this rabbit, a brown rabbit-
Commentator: He breaks another tackle, and the ball is loose!
Jakov: You guys know what... happened? It touched Junjun right in front of me.
Randy: Hey Jakov. Uh, could you run down to the store and get some more... pretzels?
Jakov: Sure. You got money?
Gerald: [hands him some bills] Here- here you go. And and don't go to the store down the block. The one four miles away in Fairplay has better pretzels.
Jakov: [gets up] Cool beans. [trips over the plug, knocking down the TV] Oopsie. I'll be right back. [closes the door]
Mr. Mackey: Jakovasaurs kinda piss me off, mkay.
The Others: Yup.
Scene Description: The house of the jakovasaurs. The boys, the agents, Jimbo, Mephesto, the Mayor, and Sheila are all present.
DOI 1: Amazing! The gestation period was only four days.
DOI 2: At that rate, we could repopulate the jakovasaurs in just a few years.
Junjun: Doe-wooop!
DOI 1: Don't worry, Hope. Everything's gonna be fine, just fine.
DOI 3: Just fine.
DOI 2: Fine.
Kyle: Dude, I don't wanna watch this thing have a baby.
Cartman: If Jakov and Hope don't have kids, their race will become extinct.
Kyle: Maybe their baby will be still-born, like Cartman was. [he and Stan laugh]
Cartman: Hey! I might have been still-born, but at least I got better!
DOI 2: Here we go.
Junjun: Doe-woooop!
Sheila: [gushing] Behold, the miracle of childbirth!
Junjun: Dowoop! [her water breaks and lands on everyone]
Kyle: Gross!
Junjun: Dowoop! [a baby jakovasaur is shot out and strikes the wall. It whimpers as it drops]
All: Hooray!
DOI 3: This is the first step in bringing the species back from the brink of extinction! [the baby jakovasaur gets up and moves around, growling]
Junjun: Dowoooop! Dowoop!
DOI 2: Looks like there might be a second one.
DOI 1: Wow! That would be a great start for them. [close-up of the second baby flying out of the vagina]
All: Hooray! [Junjun starts pumping babies out in all directions. The adults crouch behind the sofa for cover]
Mayor: She's a cannon! [seventeen babies end up in front of the wall. The lead agent walks up to them]
DOI 1: Well. Ap-parently, they breed in litters.
Cartman: [picks up a baby and says sweetly] Aren't they cute, you guys?
Stan: [to Kyle] Huh-I'm not so sure this is a good thing.
Junjun: Huh-owhoa-o-woop! [pumps out a second set of jakovasaurs]
DOI 1: Huh?! [getting out of the way] Whoa-o-whoa!
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, Garrison's class. Class is now in session.
Mr. Garrison: Ho-okay, children, we have some new students joining us today. Let's all be warm and welcome them to our class. [the class is full of jakovasaur children]
Stan: Dude, it's crowded in here.
Jakovasaur boy: [sitting in front of Pip] I like school!
Jakovasaur girl: Bo-woop!
Mr. Garrison: O-kay, so, we're just gonna stick to our normal lesson plan and start the day with history. [starts writing on the board] Now, does anyone know why Chubby Checker left the Beatles in 1972? [a jakovasaur kid in the front row raises his hand and waves it] Yes?
Jakovasaur boy: I don't know.
Jakovasaur girl: Bo-woop!
Mr. Garrison: O-kay, is there anyone who can answer the question?
Jakovasaur kid 1: [in front of Wendy] I can't.
Jakovasaur kid 2: Me neither.
Mr. Garrison: [angrily] Damnit, you don't raise your hand if you don't know!
Jakovasaur kid 2: Oh.
Jakovasaur kid 3: O-wowo-oop! O-woo-oop!
Jakovasaur kid 4: Ooo! Fight! Fight! [he and another jakovasaur start to fight]
Jakovasaur kid 5: School, school! I like school! [the fighting escalates]
Jakovasaurs: School, school! I like school! School, school! I like school!
Kyle: Dude, this sucks ass!
Cartman: ["School, school! I like school!"] I like going to school now. Jakovasaurs are so cool. ["School, school! I like school!"]
Mr. Hat: This is insane, Mr. Garrison. ["School, school! I like school!"]
Mr. Garrison: [looking defeated] It sure is, Mr. Hat. ["School, school! I like-!"]
Scene Description: The bar, that night. Many of the town's adults are inside chatting away, including the Mayor.
Mayor: Now, folks, I know we're all a little worried about the jakovasaurs, and I want to hear you all out!
Mr. Garrison: Mayor, the little jakovasaurs are ruining my classroom. I can't teach our kids anything!
All: Yeah!
Chef: And those jakovasaur eat three times as much as normal children! I can't keep up!
All: Yeah!
Man: Totally!
Trashman: And they're creating more trash than we can handle, too!
Man: Totally!
All: Yeah!
Man: Listen to her!
Man 2: And what about little Laura, the Williams' kid? If she doesn't get that heart-valve operation, she could die. [no one responds, so he supports himself] Yeah! Yeah, that's right!
Mayor: All right, all right. It's obvious we have to do something, but we can't just make them leave.
Jimbo: We just encourage them to find someplace better.
Mayor: But where? Jakovasaurs are big, loud, annoying, and stupid. Where would they fit in?
Scene Description: The house of the jakovasaurs, next day. The Mayor and others are talking to Jakov and Junjun
Jakov: Memphis?
Mayor: Yes, Memphis. [shows him a brochure of the city] You jakovasaurs would love it there.
Jakov: I don't know. I like South Park a lot. What do you think, honey?
Junjun: G'ooh-woo-ooop!
Jakov: Yeah.
Mayor: But everyone in South Park wishes they could live in Memphis. Right? [several people respond with "Yeah" and "Memphis"]
Jakov: Okay, we'll move to Memphis!
Men: Yea!
Others: Hooray! [the door opens, and the boys appear with Liane]
Cartman: [cheerfully] Hey, Jakov, how's it going?
Jakov: Great, Eric! We're moving.
Cartman: [gasps] Moving?
Jakov: Me, Jun and the family are heading to the Promised Land of Memphis.
Cartman: You... can't leave. You're my friend.
Liane: Oh, Eric dear. It's what's best.
Jimbo: Yeah. Let's get that luggage packed!
Cartman: [softly] Jakov, please don't go. [music] You make everything in South Park fun. [Jakov is touched] You brought life to this whole town. It would suck without you.
Jakov: It would?
Cartman: Yes. These people, Jakov, these people need you. I need you. Please, Jakov. Stay?
Jakov: O-kay. I like South Park best of all. We're staying!
Cartman: [exulting] Hoo-ray! Jakov is staying, you guys! [everyone else is pissed at him]
Scene Description: Outside. Everyone leaves the house disappointed.
Mayor: Now what do we do?
DOI 1: Don't worry, We've come up with a plan.
Mayor: You have?
DOI 1: Yes. We're leaving.
All: What??
DOI 1: We're getting the hell out of here and away from those God-damned things.
Mayor: You can't leave.
Cartman: Yes. Who would take care of them?
DOI 2: Little boy, we're making you an honorary Department of Interior person. [gives him a DOI badge] So now, you are officially in charge of South Park's fish and wildlife. You have authority over all of them.
Cartman: [a bit humbly] I have authoriteh?
DOI 2: That's right. And people must respect it.
Cartman: [fitting into the role] Well, that should be fine, just fine. [the agents climb into their van]
DOI 2: Fine, just fine.
Cartman: Fine.
Stan: Oh, no! Nothing's worse than Cartman with authoritah!
DOI 2: Bye-bye, now. [closes the door, and the van speeds away. Stan and Kyle just look at each other.]
Scene Description: The Jakovasaurs' house, later that week.
Announcer: And now back to... Jakovasaurs! on Comedy Central. ["Jakovasaurs" appears on screen. Then, Junjun appears in the living room with some of her children.]
Jakov: [enters wearing a fedora and carrying a briefcase] Hi, honey! I'm home! [trips over the welcome mat and crashes into the sofa. Canned laughter is heard] Wooooo! [gets up, rubbing his head] Boy, it was rough at work today. I've never seen so much coffee.
Junjun: Booo-wooop?
Jakov: No, in the boss's lap. [more laughter]
Boy: Hello, dad.
Jakov: Hello, son. How was your day?
Boy: Oh, not so good. Something really strange happened.
Jakov: What? You mean MTV played a video that wasn't Will Smith? [more laughter]
Boy: Noho, dad. A man in a blue suit and a bag came to the door. He just left this li'l piece of paper with a stamp on it. [brings out the letter]
Jakov: That's called a mailman. He takes care of mail.
Boy: Oh! He took care of mom, too. [more laughter]
Jakov: You're a nut! Let me see that letter. [opens it and reads the letter] It's from a game show. The Mayor has invited me to compete. [the front door opens]
Cartman: Hi, Jakov. [applause] What the hell is that? [laughter] Who's laughing?
Jakov: Eric! The Mayor has invited us to compete on a game show in South Park! Big prizes, an all-expense paid vacation-
Cartman: Wow, that's cool. I can help you get ready. [he and Jakov start walking]
Jakov: Woo, woo! [trips over one of his kids and falls on his back. Cartman stops. Jakov gets up. He and Cartman face the camera as laughter and applause are heard, and grin.]
Scene Description: While Cartman visits Jakov, the other boys are in the Mayor's office with several townsfolk. Liane is there, too.
Mayor: [anxious] Come onn, come on! [the phone rings and she snatches the receiver] Hello!
Jakov: Mayor? This is Jakov. I'm the tall fellow down the block from-
Mayor: Yes. Yes, Jakov. You're calling about the game show. Congratulations! Will you do it?!
Jakov: Sure! If a free trip is involved, can my whole family go?
Mayo: [rushing] Of course! That's the point! Just be ready this afternoon at the public access building, and good luck! Hope you win!! [thrusts the receiver to arm's length]
Jakov: Cool beans!! [the Mayor hangs up]
Mayor: We've got 'em! All right. The boys here will keep little Eric Cartman distracted. Meanwhile, we get rid of the jakovasaurs and bring some normalcy back to this town! Ready?
All: Break!
Scene Description: South Park Public Access. The Mayor is hosting her own game show this afternoon. To her right is Jakov, to her left Officer Barbrady. Jakovasaurs cheer in the first two rows in the studio audience. Jimbo approaches Ned.
Jimbo: Hey, Ned! A package came for you today from Voice Box Express.
Ned: [eructing] Oh... boy..., oh... boy.
Mayor: [whispering in Barbrady's ear] Now remember, Barbrady, all you have to do is lose!
Barbrady: Right.
Mayor: [goes back to her mark] Okay. Let's quiet down, people and jakovasaurs! [turns on the mic] Now, as you know, the winner of this little game will get an all-expense paid trip for himself and fifty of his closest relatives to lovely France! [the jakovasaurs hoot and holler] And, all one of you lucky contestants has to do is answer only one of these questions! Are you ready, players?
Barbrady: Ready.
Jakov: Ready.
Mayor: Okay. Hands on your buzzers.
Jakov: [bzt] Forty-seven! [his kids cheer wildly]
Mayor: [correcting Jakov] You have to wait until I ask the question first.
Jakov: Sor-ry!
Mayor: That's okay. Hands on buzzers.
Jakov: [bzt] Turkey sandwich!
Barbrady: Damn, he's quick!
Jakov: [bzt] Oh. Sor-ry! [bzt]
Barbrady: No, I'm sorry. [bzzzt]
Jakov: [Bzzzzzzzzt] No, it's my fault. I'm sorry.
Barbrady: [Bzzzzzzzzt] No, it's all me. Uh, my bad.
Jakov: Sorry.
Barbrady: Sorry. [both buzzers stay on]
Mayor: Will somebody please unplug the God-damned buzzers?! [the buzzers stop]
Stagehand: [off camera] Got it!
Mayor: Now, can we get on with this? First question: What color is blue? [drumroll]
Barbrady: Blue? [ping. Barbrady gets the first point]
Mayor: What?
Barbrady: Uh. Blue is blue?
Jakov: Awww, did I lose?
Mayor: What? Blue is-? Nono. Hang on. [whispers to Barbrady] You're supposed to lose, you idiot!
Barbrady: Where am I?
Mayor: Just don't answer any more questions, got it?
Barbrady: Okie-dokie.
Mayor: Sorry, folks, a little mix-up. We're playing best out of three!
Scene Description: The woods. Stan and Kyle lead Cartman along. Cartman is in uniform.
Cartman: What are we doing out here, you guys? I wanna see if Jakov wins that game show.
Stan: Oh, he'll win. Don't worry.
Kyle: We just have to show you this new species because you're the Department of Interior guy now. Soon, they'll all be eaten by bears.
Cartman: Oh. Let me get out my notepad so I can classify this new species. [brings it out] Well, this should be fine, just fine. Just fine, fine.
Kyle: [pointing] There it is! [a shot of Kenny wearing twigs] That must be of the antelope family.
Cartman: [after some study] That's Kenny with branches on his head. [looks again] Why did you bring me all the way out here, you guys?
Stan: [huffs] Cartman, jakovasaurs are making South Park suck. You have to understand that.
Cartman: Well, what does that have to do with me being all the way out...? Wait a minute. You're distracting me! That game show is a fix! [drops his notepad and rushes back to town]
Kyle: Cartman! Wait!
Kenny: (Hey you guys, wait up for me!) [a black bear rushes down the hill, growling] (Waaah!) [the bear mauls him and tumbles away]
Scene Description: South Park Public Access. The game show continues. Barbrady is ahead 7-0.
Mayor: What's two plus two, Jakov?
Jakov: I don't know!
Barbrady: Four? [ping. 8-0]
Mayor: Jakov, what is your name? [drumroll. The studio audience looks at him quite annoyed]
Barbrady: Jakov [ping. 9-0]
Mayor: Oh, screw it. Jakov wins! [raises his hand in victory]
Jakov: I do? [his kids rejoice]
Mayor: You and your entire family are going to wonderful and exotic France!
Jakov: Hooray!
Mayor: All right, everybody. Let's get them to the airport! [members of the studio audience start carrying out little jakovasaurs] Let's go, people! There's no time to lose! [two people carry Jakov out]
Scene Description: South Park Airport. The jakovasaurs are being whisked into the plane as quickly as possible.
Jakov: [looking at Randy and Gerald] But what about our clothes? Shouldn't we pack first?
Randy: Jakovasaurs don't wear clothes, Jakov.
Jakov: Oh yeah. Well, good-bye everybody! We'll send stuff from France!
Crowd: Good-bye!
Jakov: [almost trips as he turns to enter the plane] Werrr. [the crowd laughs weakly]
Cartman: [arriving and running up the stairs] Jakov!
Jimbo: Close the door! [an attendant closes the door on Cartman's face]
Cartman: [pounding] Open this door!
Liane: Eric, this is for the best.
Cartman: [facing the crowd angrily] I am Department of Interior guy, and I have authoritah! [the plane backs into the runway, then moves forward. Cartman rushes down the steps and runs alongside the plane] No! Jakov, don't go!
Jakov: [from his window] Hi, Eric! Okay, bye, then! [the plane takes off. Cartman can only watch as the plane disappears in the horizon]
Cartman: [resigned] Come... back. [the crowd begins to surround him.]
Liane: [reaching out] Eric, it's important for you to understand-.
Cartman: Don't, mother! Just, don't.
Mayor: [on one knee] I know it's hard, Eric, but I've learned something today. You see, animal species come and go. It's all a part of natural evolution.
Jimbo: The jakovasaurs would have gone extinct if we hadn't interfered. Because their particular form of life simply wasn't practical.
Ned: [with a much better voice box] We can't go around saving every form of life, any more than we can kill them all. We have to let nature run its course. [silence]
Jimbo: Mhmm Ned, that voice box sucks!
Ned: I know. I'm still trying to find my old one.
Mayor: Well, then. What say we all go get some ice cream!
Crowd: Hooray!
Cartman: No. That's okay. I'll see you guys. [slowly walks away]
Kyle: Dude! I've never seen Cartman care so much about something.
Stan: Yeah. I guess he finally found something that's as annoying as he is.
Scene Description: The Café Grenouille in Paris, France. The Eiffel Tower in in the background. An accordionist plays.
Waiter: Bonjour.
Woman: [blonde wearing stylish shades] Bonjour.
Waiter: Café?
Woman: Oui. [a bus pulls up and drops off passengers, then pulls away]
Jakov: [with his family] Come on, kids! Let's go find some pyramids! [crashes into a table and ends up in its umbrella on the ground] Woops! Aaaah! [The accordionist stops and everyone stares at Jakov. Then they start laughing]
Man: [one of two in suits] C'est drôle et amusant (That was SO FUNNY!!) [chuckles]
Accordionist: (I love its antics!!!)
Blonde: Il est si comme Jerry Lewis!!! (He's just like Jerry Lewis!!!) [the laughter continues]


Scene Description: South Park Elementary. The school bell rings. Most of the third-grade boys are in a shop room.
Mr. Adler: This is shop class. My name is Mr. Adler. For the next week, rather than your normal schoolwork, you'll be learning how to make things. Now, does anybody know WHY you're in shop class? [Stan raises his hand] Yes?
Stan: Because we had to choose between this and home ec, and we didn't wanna be sissies?
Mr. Adler: Wrong! You are here because you are America's future! [stirring music plays] You may someday be doctors, or lawyers, or scientists. Most of you, however, will be pumping gas, or cutting sheet metal, and that's why we have... [points to the words] shop class.
Cartman: Ooooohh.
Mr. Adler: Now, let me make one thing crystal clear: I don't like kids that screw around! You screw around in shop class, you can lose a hand or an eye. I have a- [picks up a picture of a woman and begins to get lost looking at it] I have... uh, I have a...
Kyle: Mr. Adler?
Mr. Adler: [sets the picture down] Huh? Oh, uh, I was just saying that I want to know who is the biggest troublemaker in your class?
Stan: [quickly points] Tweek is!
Tweek: Arrh! No, I'm not!
Kyle: Yeah, you are! You always get in trouble.
Tweek: Arrrrh!
Cartman: Oh, hello, excuse me, but Craig is the biggest troublemaker in our class.
Mr. Adler: That true, Craig? You a troublemaker?
Craig: No.
Mr. Adler: Well, you'd better not be, because in shop class we- [Craig flips him off] Hey! Did you just flip me off?!
Craig: No.
Mr. Adler: Yes, you did!
Cartman: Told ya!
Kyle: [hushed, to Stan] Dude, shop class sucks. Maybe we should have taken home ec.
Stan: Now way, dude. Home ec is for girls.
Scene Description: The Home Economics room. All the girls are here.
Voice: [female] Welcome to home ec. [the camera scans across the class] For the next week, you will be learning how to bake, sew, clean, and make things that are lacy and pretty. [Kenny appears]
Kenny: (Woohooo!) [Wendy raises her hand]
Wendy: I requested to be in shop class, but they sent me here.
Woman: That's right, Wendy. You see, some of you girls will go on to have interesting jobs and careers. [now cautioning] But all of you pretty ones... won't have to worry about that, because you can marry a nice man. And that's why we have... home ec.
Kenny: (Woohooo!) [the girls on either side of him look at him]
Scene Description: The Shop room. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman sit before a power miter box. Cartman is feeding it wood.
Cartman: I wonder why Kenny didn't wanna take shop class? [cuts out two slabs]
Stan: I don't know. He's such a wuss.
Mr. Adler: [passing by] Hey! Don't screw around! You screw around too much!
Cartman: You know, you guys are totally wrong about Tweek. Craig is way worse than he is. [Craig leafs through some wood scraps, and Tweek approaches a belt sander on the floor]
Stan: No he's not dude. Craig is a wuss.
Cartman: Dude, if Craig and Tweek got in a fight, Craig would kick Tweek's ass.
Kyle: Do you wanna bet?
Cartman: Yeah, I'll bet.
Stan: How much?
Cartman: Five bucks.
Stan: You're on!
Tweek: [revs up a belt sander.] Arrh! [jumps. Stan and Kyle walk to him]
Stan: Hey Tweek.
Tweek: [jumps] Gaarhrhrh!
Stan: Dude. Craig chooses you. He wants to fight.
Tweek: [drops the sander] He does?
Stan: Yeah. He's all pissed off at you. So, will you fight?
Tweek: Why?
Kyle: Dude, because! You have to stand up for yourself! So will you fight him? [Craig is still leafing through the scraps]
Tweek: [jumps] Rrrrh! He doesn't look like he wants to fight me.
Cartman: Craig, could I talk to you real quick? [Craig flips him off, and Cartman puts his palms up to calm him] Er, just a second, please, Craig. Craig, I'm not normally one to get involved in this kind of thing but, well, I was just standing over by Tweek, and, he called you a big poop-eater.
Craig: He did?
Cartman: Yeah. He said you eat poop, and that it makes your breath smell like poop, and that, eh, well, you like it.
Craig: Why would he say that?
Cartman: I don't know, Craig, I don't know. But now he's over there telling everybody that you're a poop-eater and he chooses you.
Craig: [now pissed] Well, I've gotta go over there and-
Cartman: [blocks his way] No, no! Craig, you can't fight him here; Mr. Adler would just break it up. Tell you what: I'll go tell him you accept his challenge, and set it up for after school today.
Craig: Okay. [flips Tweek off]
Kyle: There. Did you see? He just flipped you off.
Tweek: [twitches to one side] Rrrr! What a jerk!
Stan: He's really got it out for you, dude.
Tweek: Why?! What did I do?!
Kyle: So, do you agree to fight him after school?
Tweek: I guess so.
Stan: Super. See you there. [they walk away, pleased]
Scene Description: Mr. Adler takes out the picture of his fiancée again and looks at it. He begins to daydream. Memories of his fiancée come to him, and her voice echoes every time reminisces.
Fiancée: [runs from him] Catch me, Richard. [she laughs even after he catches her and she's on the grass] I'm so in love with you, Richard. [next scene: she's in the kitchen holding a tray] I made you some cookies, Richard. [sniffs them real good. Next, she's by the fireplace with a little stocking] Merry Christmas, Richard. [laughing on the yard outside] Oh, Richard. Say you'll hold me forever. [in flight, trying to regain control] Aaaaaaa! [in a swimming pool, under water] Richard!
Scene Description: The school bell rings, and Mr. Adler snaps out of the daydream.
Mr. Adler: Aaaarr! Uh. [opens a drawer to get some nicotine gum, and chews some] Oh why? Why? [closes his eyes and continues chewing]
Stan: Mr. Adler! Mr. Ad-ler!
Mr. Adler: [opens his eyes] Huh? Stop screwing around!
Stan: The bell rang. Can we go?
Mr. Adler: Well, uh, well, sure. Uh, class dismissed.
Stan: Come on, you guys. [Kyle and Cartman follow him out.]
Scene Description: The school yard.
Stan: This is gonna be so sweet, dude.
Cartman: You guys are so wrong about Tweek. He's gonna get his ass kicked.
Kyle: We'll see!
Cartman: Why don't we just raise our bet to ten dollars?!
Stan: You're on, fatass! [Kenny shows up]
Cartman: Well, well, well, look who's here! Our little home economics friend, Kenny!
Kenny: (Hey guys, what's going on with you?)
Stan: How come you wanna take home ec., Kenny?
Kyle: Yeah. That's not cool, dude. [the girls walk by]
Bebe: Bye, Kenny. See you tomorrow.
Annie: Bye, Kenny.
Kenny: (Bye, ladies.) [the other boys arrive as the girls leave]
Clyde: Hey, what's going on?
Kyle: Tweek and Craig are gonna fight.
Clyde: Really? Cool. [the boys stand around waiting] It's funny, 'cause Tweek and Craig both went home about fifteen minutes ago.
Kyle: What?
Token: Yeah, they left.
Stan: Aw, hell!
Cartman: Those sons of bitches!
Clyde: I guess they don't wanna fight.
Kyle: Aw, they wanna fight! They just don't know it yet! [walks off with Stan, Cartman, and Kenny]
Scene Description: Stan and Kyle arrive at Tweek's house. Stan rings the bell.
Stan: Tweek?
Kyle: [looks up to the second floor] Tweek?
Tweek: [opens the center window] Arrh! What do you guys want?
Stan: How come you didn't show up for the fight, Tweek?!
Tweek: Craig and I have no reason to fight each other.
Kyle: Well, Craig showed up.
Tweek: He did?
Stan: Yeah. He was standing there waiting for you, and he was all like, "Man, Tweek's a wuss," and we were all like, "No he's not, Craig," and he was all like, "Yeah he is, he isn't showing up. He's a big wuss, and he has crooked teeth!"
Tweek: I don't have crooked teeth!
Kyle: And then Craig was all like, "Tweek is scared o'me. He's a big chicken." And he started doing an impersonation of you being a chicken; [Stan watches as Kyle demonstrates] well, everybody in the world saw it!
Tweek: Everyone in the world?! Rrrr! [falls down behind the window]
Stan: Yeah, it was weak.
Tweek: I'm not a chicken!
Kyle: Well, everyone in the world thinks you are. See ya. [turns to walk away]
Tweek: [pops up] Wait! I'll fight!
Stan: Tomorrow?
Tweek: Okay.
Scene Description: Cartman and Kenny arrive at Craig's house. Cartman knocks and Craig answers.
Cartman: Craig, what the hell are you doing home?! You're supposed to be out fighting Tweek!
Craig: Red Racer's on.
Cartman: Craig, you can watch Red Racer any day of the week!
Craig: I do watch Red Racer every day of the week!
Cartman: [aloof] Well, that's fine. I guess you don't care about what Tweek said about your mom.
Craig: Nope. [shuts the door]
Cartman: [hushed] Egh. God damn it! [knocks again, and Craig answers] Well, I guess you don't care about what Tweek said about your guinea pig.
Craig: What?! What did he say about Stripe?!
Cartman: Oh, nothing, except that you stick it up your ass before you go to bed.
Craig: That son of a bitch, I'll kill him!
Cartman: Yeah, I'd be pissed too, so maybe we should reschedule the fight for tomorrow?
Craig: After Red Racer.
Cartman: [being gracious] After Red Racer, of course.
Scene Description: The Tweek house, that night, dinner. The Tweaks are at table.
Richard Tweak: How was school today, son?
Tweek: Errh!
Richard Tweak: That's great.
Tweek: Dahad, if some kid in school wants to fight me, what should I do??
Richard Tweak: Son, let me tell you a little story about when your mother and I first met. [gets up and stands next to her. Peaceful music plays] You see, a long time ago, there were a lot of guys who were after your mother. She used to be very attractive.
Mrs. Tweak: It's true. I was. [Tweek bobs as he listens]
Richard Tweak: Well, when I started courting your mother, there was this big muscular football player named Quib, who didn't take too kindly to me. He wanted your mother all to himself. And so, one day, he challenged me to a fight. [sits down, and both parent resume eating. Tweek waits for the rest of the story.]
Tweek: [after a long lull] Well?
Mrs. Tweak: Well what, honey?
Tweek: Nrr. What happened?
Richard: Oh'd. I, I don't know. He moved away or something.
Mrs. Tweak: Yes, I think that's right.
Tweek: Rrrrr! You guys never help me! [the parents look at each other, and Tweek starts banging his head against the table] Your stories never go anywhere! I hate it! I want out! I want out! [the parents resume eating]
Scene Description: Craig's house, dinner time. Craig has a little sister.
Craig: Dad, I'm supposed to get in a fight tomorrow.
Thomas Tucker: With who?
Craig: Some kid.
Thomas: Oh.
Laura Tucker: Don't just "Oh" him, Thomas!
Craig: Yeah, don't just "Oh" me!
Thomas: I'll "Oh" whoever I want! [Mrs. Tucker flips Thomas off, he flips back, the daughter flips them both off, and Craig flips his dad off with the right hand, his sister off with the left, and his mom with the right, up close.]
Scene Description: Mr. Adler's home. He and a woman have just returned from a date.
Mr. Adler: Well, that was fun, Pearl. See you later.
Pearl: Richard, aren't you going to invite me in?
Mr. Adler: Why?
Pearl: Well, I thought maybe you would at least at-tempt to make love to me tonight.
Mr. Adler: Oh, well, uuh, I can't. I left the oven on.
Pearl: Oh, Richard, why can't you open your heart to me? Why?
Mr. Adler: I just... I can't. Oh, I know. I have genital warts. [he begins closing the door]
Pearl: We'll use plastic wrap.
Mr. Adler: Nope. Sorry. Maybe some other time. [shuts the door on her face. He holds the door in place, then makes his way to a picture of his deceased love, picks it up, and remembers...]
Fiancée: [on a swing] Swing me Richard, swing me higher. I wanna touch the sky, Richard. [now in a gazebo] Richard, I'm here! [waves him over] Smile. [now opens a little box and sees a ring] Oh, Richard, it's beautiful. Yes. Yes. [Now at a phone by a desk] But you have to come see me fly tomorrow, Richard. I have a surprise for you. [next day, next to a plane] Don't worry, Richard. I'll pilot! It's what I do! [in flight, trying to regain control] Aaaaaaa! [in a swimming pool, under water] Richard! [now rising from an open coffin] Richard.
Mr. Adler: [returns] Haaarrr! [opens a small drawer in the side table, gets some nicotine gum, and starts chewing, then mumbles] Aw, God, what am I gonna do? [resumes chewing]
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, the cafeteria, next day, recess. From left to right on a table are seated Stan, Tweek, Kyle, Cartman, Craig, and Kenny. Much of the class is assembled before them. A large sign saying "Tweek VS. Craig" hangs above them from the ceiling.
Stan: Okay, so, just to set the record straight here, the fight will be happening out by the tetherball pole at 3:30. Tweek just weighed in at 48 pounds, Craig at 45.
Clyde: Uh, how long do you expect the fight to last?
Craig: I uh...
Cartman: [covers Craig's mouth] However long Craig wants it to last. [the kids laugh] T'heh, ub. Look, make no mistake. Craig has been ready for this fight since day one. He doesn't even view it as a challenge.
Kyle: He'll view it as a challenge when he's getting his ass kicked!
Cartman: Hup. Did you hear that? It sound like some diarrhea coming out of someone's mouth or something.
Kyle: Shut up, fatass!!
Cartman: Don't call me fat, you son of a bitch! [jumps on him, and they start fighting. Kenny and Stan soon join in, leaving Tweek and Craig looking at them]
Clyde: Wow. Tweek and Craig really hate each other, huh? This should be a good fight.
Scene Description: Home Economics, after recess.
Pearl: [stands by a chart equating shoes with money] On your first date, look at the man's shoes. Sometimes you can tell how much money a man has just by his shoes. [Kenny and the girls take notes. Pearl then stands by the chalkboard listing the number of credit cards from 1 to 4] When he takes you out to dinner, try to sneak a peek at his wallet while he pays for you. If he only has one credit card, BEWARE. [crosses 1 out] It means he doesn't spend a lot, and worse yet, it could be a debit card. If he has more than four credit cards, that's a little fishy. [crosses 4 out] The perfect number of credit cards for a man to have is... two. [circles it. Bebe raises her hand]
Bebe: What if we meet a guy who wants to be a doctor or a lawyer, but is still getting his degree?
Pearl: Dump that zero and get yourself a hero! He could be earning that degree all his life while you starve to death with two dying babies sucking at your teats. [the girls and Kenny just look at her]
Scene Description: Shop class. The boys are busy on various projects. Cartman stands on a stool operating a drill press as Stan and Kyle stand on the floor.
Cartman: When I have your guys' ten bucks, I'm gonna use it to buy the sweetest big-screen TV in the whole world.
Kyle: That's more than ten bucks, you stupid fatass!
Cartman: Well, if I get ten buck from each of you, that's like $2000.
Mr. Adler: Hey, quit screwing around back there! You're horsing! [He now hears a voice calling to him, from the drawers in his desk...]
Fiancée: Ri-chard! [he whistles] Ri-chard! [he remembers mumbling something in return, and pulls out her picture. He dreams: she is back on the swing] Swing me Richard, swing me higher![now in a gazebo] Richard, I'm here! [waves him over. Cut to her opening a little box] Oh, Richard, it's beautiful. Yes. Yes. [Now at a phone by a desk] But you have to come see me fly tomorrow, Richard. I have a surprise for you. [next day, next to a plane] Don't worry, Richard. I'll pilot! [in the cockpit, she calls out] It's all for you! [an alarm sounds, and the gas tank explodes behind her] Aaaaaaa! [she tries to land the plane right, but it falls into a swimming pool. She's thrown clear, into the water] Richard!
Clyde: Mr. Adler. Mr. Adler!
Mr. Adler: [returns] Huh? Uh, what?
Clyde: Tommy stuck his face in the belt sander [Tommy comes and stands beside Clyde. There are no features on his face.]
Mr. Adler: The belt sander? Tommy?? I told you not to screw around with the belt sander, didn't I? [Clyde looks at Tommy for a reaction, but...] Well go on. Go see the nurse; she'll give you some peroxide. [Tommy walks away in the wrong direction]
Clyde: [noticing the picture and points] What's that?
Mr. Adler: Huh? Oh, this is a woman I knew a long time ago.
Clyde: What? She die or something?
Mr. Adler: What? Hey! Go on! [upset, he puts the picture away] You're screwing around in here! [Clyde hurries away]
Scene Description: After school. The kids climb over a hill to reach the tetherball pole. Stan, Kyle, and Tweek lead the way
Clyde: Oh boy! Here we go!
Wendy: [joins the group] What's happening?
Kyle: Tweek's gonna fight Craig!
Wendy: Oh cool!
Stan: Stay pissed, Tweek. Stay pissed. [the two groups meet] All right. Here we go.
Kyle: Time for you to get proven wrong, fat boy.
Cartman: You're gonna be eating those words, asshole.
Kyle: No I won't, because you'd eat 'em first, tubby. [Craig and Tweek look at each other, but nothing happens]
Stan: Well?
Cartman: Come on!
Wendy: Yeah, if you're gonna do it, do it!
Craig: [turns to the crowd] What do we do?
Stan: Huh?
Cartman: What do you mean, what do you do? You just fight each other.
Tweek: How?
Kyle: How??
Craig: I've never been in a fight before.
Tweek: Me neither.
Crowd: [let down] Awwww.
Stan: [in disgust] Aw, dude, come on!!
Cartman: You just hit each other, smack each other around. [Tweek slaps Craig, and Craig slaps Tweek. No effect]
Kyle: [sighs] Not like that!
Tweek: Like what, then?
Stan: [approaches the fighters] All right, all right, screw it! We have to postpone the fight 'til Tweek and Craig can learn how to fight.
Crowd: Awww. [disperses]
Clyde: [to Wendy] All that build-up for nothing.
Wendy: Yeah. Christ, I could have been home by now!
Stan: All right. Tweek, we'll teach you how to fight, and Cartman, you teach Craig.
Cartman: I don't think that's very fair: if I teach Craig, he's gonna really kill Tweek.
Stan: Oh yeah? Well, I'm gonna have my uncle Jimbo teach Tweek how to box!
Cartman: [faking fear] Ooooo! Boxing's scary, you guys! [serious] I'm gonna have Craig learn martial arts!
Stan: Fine! We'll see you back here tomorrow!
Cartman: Fine! [the parties part ways]
Kyle: Fine!
Cartman: Fine, that's fine!
Scene Description: Big's Gym, later. This is where Stan and Kyle took Jesus to learn to box. On this occasion, Stan and Kyle bring Tweek. Jimbo is the coach, Ned the sparring partner. All are in the ring
Jimbo: Alrighty. Tweek, my little nephew Stanley has asked me to teach you the fine points of boxing.
Tweek: Rrrrh!
Jimbo: You're in luck! Ned here used to be the state champion until a grenade blew his arm off.
Ned: Mmrr I can still kick ass.
Jimbo: Now, Tweek, boxing is a Man sport. There is nothing in the world more Man than boxing. It is Man at his most Man. So when you spar with Ned here, just dig deep into that most Man part of you.
Tweek: Hwaaah! [Stan and Kyle look at each other and shrug]
Jimbo: Well, enough of the lectures. let's get to boxing. [rings the bell, and Ned sends Tweek to the ropes with one punch]
Tweek: Uugh!
Ned: Mmm whatcha got, bee-ahtch? [Tweek gets up]
Jimbo: Keep your guard up, Tweek! [Tweek does so. Ned punches him twice more, and Tweek falls]
Tweek: Ow!
Stan: Damn it!
Kyle: Come on, Tweek! He's only got one arm!
Jimbo: All right, looks like we'll have to apply the Oppenheimer technique with Tweek here. [Tweek gets up]
Ned: [prancing] Gmmmmm, whatcha got, bee-ahtch?
Jimbo: Punch him in the balls, Tweek!! [Tweek lunges at Ned and lands the punch]
Ned: AAAAaaaarrgh.
Jimbo: Atta boy! Now quick, get him again while he's down! [Tweek lands a barrage of punches, and Ned groans after each punch]
Ned: Ow.
Jimbo: Good! Now kick his balls! [Tweek does so several times, and Ned groans] There, see? You've got him coughing up blood.
Stan, Kyle: Hooray!
Tweek: Rrrr!
Jimbo: Now THAT'S BOXING!
Scene Description: The Nishimura School of Martial Arts
Master: Your friend hasa brought you to learn the ancient art ofa sumo. You must learna discipline anda respect. [Craig flips him off] In sumo, your body must be rike a stone, and your mind rike a meatroaf.
Craig: Meatloaf?
Master: The object is simpry to push opponent out of circle. Is opponent ready?
Cartman: I'm ready! [comes out, speaks softly] Hey, I like this hair thing. This is cool. [stops to pull some salt out of a kettle and pats his hands together]
Master: Let us begin. [Cartman plants his feet] Ready? And, th-ree.
Cartman: Respect my authoritah! [he and Craig engage in pushing each other]
Master: Body rike a stone! Mind rike a meatroaf!
Cartman: [turns around to back Craig out of the ring] Dude. Come on, now. Come on.
Craig: Oh, Jesus! I can't take it! Stop!
Master: Fight back! Resist the ass!
Craig: How can I resist an ass so great?
Master: It is only an ass. You must overcome the ass with your mind.
Craig: This ass is unlike any I've encountered, Master. [Cartman bumps him off the ring, he hits a wall, and he's out]
Cartman: I win!
Master: There is indeed great power in your ass, Eric. Perhaps you should consider sumo as your profession.
Cartman: Hey, maybe. [plants his feet again]
Scene Description: Mr. Adler's house, night. He's asleep, and a bad dream begins
Mr. Adler: [twisting and turning] No. No. Make it stop.
Fiancée: [laughing on the yard outside] Oh, Richard. Say you'll hold me forever. [Now at a phone by a desk] But you have to come see me fly tomorrow, Richard. I have a surprise for you. [next day, next to a plane] Don't worry, Richard. I'm a pilot! [in the cockpit during flight] Watch me, Richard! [waves to him as she writes "I love U Richard." As she gets to the last letters, she loses control and the alarm comes on. Her gas tank explodes and she screams. She manages to write A's on her way down to a crash in the pool. She sinks and calls out] Richard!
Mr. Adler: Baaaaa! [looks around and then sobs] I never got to say good-bye. I never got to say good-bye! [reaches for some nicotine gum, only to find the box empty] Oh no! Oh NO! NOW what do I do?! [begins bawling]
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, next day. Home Ec.
Pearl: Okay, that was very good, class. Now let's try this one together. [holds up a board saying] Honey, can I get a new wardrobe?
Class: [including Kenny] Honey, can I get a new wardrobe?
Pearl: All right, now let's try this one together. [holds up a board saying] Lisa Smith's husband just bought HER a new car...
Class: [including Kenny] Lisa Smith's husband just bought HER a new car...
Pearl: Good. Bebe, why don't you try this one. [holds up a board saying] I think a trip to Hawaii would really improve our sex life.
Bebe: I think a trip to Hawaii would really improve our sex life.
Pearl: Outstanding! Now, Kenny, how about you try? [holds up a board saying] I can't make love to you until we get a king-size bed.
Kenny: (I can't make love to you until we get a king-size bed!)
Pearl: [looks at him in dismay] O-kay. Kenny, could I talk to you over here real quick?
Kenny: (Sure you can.) [gets up and goes to her desk]
Pearl: Kenny, I don't know quite how to tell you this, but... I'm not sure home economics is right for you.
Kenny: (Why?)
Pearl: Well, your cooking is unsatisfactory, your sewing skills are below average, and, frankly, I don't think the odds of you marrying a nice rich man in the future are very, well, good.
Kenny: (You don't?)
Pearl: No. I think you should consider transferring to shop class.
Kenny: (Shop class?) [images of threatening tools tools fill his head: a drill, a torch, a belt sander, a table saw] (No, I won't!)
Pearl: Now, now. Very few students are severely injured in a shop class.
Kenny: (I don't wanna take shop class!) [draws his hood tight, and the bell rings]
Bebe: Come on! It's time for the fight!
Wendy: Yeah! [the girls begin to file out of class]
Pearl: Fight? Oh no no, girls! Haven't I taught you anything?
Scene Description: The playground, after school. The kids head for the tetherball pole. The fighters are present: Tweek wearing a boxing robe with hood, Craig in sumo gear
Stan: Okay, the time has finally come. [the other kids close in]
Clyde: [holding a box of] Programs, get your programs here. Programs.
Kyle: Remember, Tweek: punch hard, punch low.
Tweek: Hrrr.
Kyle: This is when you gotta get mean, Tweek.
Tweek: Rrrr, mean, rrrr.
Cartman: The spirit of the dragon is in your hands. Hurshar kashurshar. Hurlong churshar. All right?
Craig: Okay.
Cartman: Now, LISTEN to me! Hurlong kashurshar! All right?! And seriously: Hurlong kepur shung kwong!
Craig: Okay, okay!
Scene Description: Tweek is ready first, then Craig gets ready
Tweek: Rrrr! [Craig adjusts his own head] Hr. [Craig flips him off]
Stan: You ready Tweek? You ready Craig? Let's get in on!
Craig: Respect my authority.
Scene Description: Tweek lands some punches and Craig tries to throw Tweek off sumo-style. They go back and forth this way for a while
Stan, Kyle: Come on, Tweek!
Cartman: Come on, Craig!
Scene Description: The shop room. Mr. Adler is alone and starts to write
Mr. Adler: To whom it may concern: I can no longer live without her. I couldn't say goodbye to her, and so now I must say goodbye to all of you, for I am all out of nicotine gum.Sincerely yours, Richard Adler Shop Class P.S. Don't screw around. You all screw around too much. [he leaves the desk and goes to the table saw, turns on the switch, lies on the table feet first, and is pulled towards the blade]
Mr. Adler: Good-bye, cruel world. [sits up] Jesus Christ! What was I thinking?! That would have hurt like hell! [lie back down, now head first]
Scene Description: the playground. Craig and Tweek tumble towards the school, neither giving in. The other kids follow them to a clearing outside a bungalow, where Craig and Tweek resume trading punches
Stan: Ye-hah!
Cartman: Come on, Craig! Time to kick his ass! [the fighters, now tired and panting, butt heads]
Kyle: Go, Tweek. Kick his ass! Get him!
Cartman: Come on, Craig!
Stan: Come on, Tweek! You got him!
Kyle: Get him! [the fighters just pant, stuck to each other] Whoa, Tweek! Did you hear that?
Tweek: What?
Kyle: Craig just called you a boner!
Tweek: Rrrr! [punches Craig]
Kyle: [to Stan:] We'll just have to keep throwing jabs to win the fight.
Stan: Yeah.
Scene Description: Shop class. Mr. Adler draws closer to the saw blade and sighs. Kenny comes in and hands him Pearl's note.
Kenny: (Hi, Mr. Adler.)
Mr. Adler: What? Who are you? [takes the note and reads] "Kenny McCormick has been transferred from home ec to shop class." Well, all right. Get some safety goggles and start gettin' acquainted with the jigsaw over there. [hands him back the note and Kenny goes to the jigsaw] Hrh.
Scene Description: Outside the bungalow Craig and Tweek continue fighting. They lock up and tumble into the slide, tearing it down. They end up under the debris
Tweek: [gets up] Huh? [Craig pops up and tackles Tweek. The other kids, fearing the fight over, cheer again.]
Scene Description: Shop Class. Kenny starts cutting wood on the jigsaw, but looks at Mr. Adler going to his death. Craig and Tweek crash through the shop class window and continue fighting
Mr. Adler: [sits up] What the-? [the door opens and the other kids pour in]
Stan: Here they are.
Mr. Adler: [stands and walks towards the kids] Hey! What's going on?
Stan: Tweek and Craig are fighting. We're just watching. [trading punches]
Mr. Adler: Well, why the hell don't you stop them?
Cartman: 'Cause we have ten bucks riding on it.
Mr. Adler: Don't screw aROUND![Craig and Tweek tumble towards Kenny]
Kenny: (Hey!) [They knock the stool out under him. He hangs on to the jigsaw table] (Hey!)
Mr. Adler: Stop screwin' aROUND!![Tweek slams Craig into a second jigsaw and both tumble into a tool cart, which falls onto the second jigsaw, which tumbles onto the one Kenny is on.]
Kenny: (Hey, God damn it!)
Mr. Adler: Eh. Hey, you're SCREWIN' AROUND TOO MUCH!! [Kenny gets stuck in the blade and spins around. He's finally thrown clear and ends up in a box of old nails. Some nails fly out of the box.]
Kenny: (Ugh!)
Stan: Oh my God, they killed Kenny!
Kyle: You bastards!
Mr. Adler: [goes to the box of nails and plucks Kenny out] Well, don't just stand there, call an ambulance! [the boys just shrug] You see? You see what happens when you screw around in shop class?
Kenny: (I understand, dude.)
Mr. Adler: What? What's that, son?
Fiancée: [through Kenny] Richard.
Mr. Adler: AAaaagh! [settles down] No! No, please don't go. I need you. I can't live without you. [Stan and Kyle look at each other, Stan shrugs]
Fiancée: [visible now, where Kenny's face was] Richard, you have to move on. I want you to be happy.
Mr. Adler: But I can't. I never got a chance to say good-bye.
Fiancée: Then say it now, Richard.
Mr. Adler: Good-bye?
Fiancée: There. Now do you feel better?
Mr. Adler: No.
Fiancée: Of course you don't. Saying good-bye doesn't mean anything. It's the time that we spent together that really matters, not how we loved it.
Mr. Adler: You... you're right. You're right. [The fiancée leaves and an old woman takes her place. The background is blue.]
Woman: Richard, this is Grandma.
Mr. Adler: Gram'ma? Hi, Gram!
Gram'ma: You never said good-bye to me either. [she leaves and a man enters]
Man: Hey, Richard. Remember me?
Mr. Adler: Uncle Corey! Wow, you're all alive again!
Uncle Corey: [gleefully] No! We're dead! [leaves]
Fiancée: [returns] I love you, Richard. See you soon.
Mr. Adler: Thank you. Thank you for freeing me. I feel like now I can move on. Baby, I feel so much better. I feel so alive. [holds Kenny close] Thank you, baby. Thank you.
Stan: Dude, this is pretty fucked up right here.
Scene Description: Hell's Pass Hospital. The kids enter. Stan approaches a nurse
Stan: Hi. We're here to visit our good friends, Tweek and Craig.
Nurse: Oh. Well, I suppose a quick visit is okay. Maybe you kids can cheer them up. [leads the way. The kids follow and are let in. Craig and Tweek are in adjacent beds recovering from their injuries.]
Stan: Hey, you guys. How are you feeling?
Tweek: Rrr!
Craig: Ugh.
Stan: Well, uh. We just came by because we have something to tell you.
Kyle: Yeah. See, we got you to fight just 'cause we wanted to see who was the toughest. We made up all that stuff we said to get you guys mad at each other. [Craig flips them off]
Cartman: Yes. You can flip us off, Craig. We deserve that. We just came by to apologize. We feel so bad.
Kyle: Boy, do we ever.
Stan: So I guess we'll be going now, and live with the knowledge that... you're both kind of sissies. [the group turns towards the door]
Tweek, Craig: What?!
Stan: [the group turns back to the beds] Well, I mean, that's what was on the news.
Craig: What was on the news?
Cartman: Oh, you didn't see it? Oh. Tweek's family was on the news saying what a wuss you are, Craig.
Craig: Huh?
Kyle: Yeah. And then Craig's family came on and said Tweek was the wuss, and then punched Tweek's mom in the hooters.
Tweek: Uuh! You son of a bitch! [pounces on Craig, and the fighting starts again, leaving the room a mess]
Craig: I'm gonna kick your ass!
Stan: Come on, Tweek! You got him!
Cartman: Give him sucky, Craig, give him sucky! Hurlong churshar!