Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The bell rings. The fourth graders are still chatting as Mr. Garrison enters.
Mr. Garrison: Okay, children, let's take our seats. Did you take attendance, Mr. Slave?
Mr. Slave: [at his own little desk off to the side] All donesy wunsy. [has a clipboard to prove it]
Mr. Garrison: Okay, let's all take out our math homework and go over the problem.
Cartman: [searching his notebook] Math homework, Math homework. Where did I file that?
Mr. Garrison: [about to write on the board, but turns around] Oh, and by the way, children, there's a walkout scheduled today to protest the war in Iraq. So, uh, if you're against the war, run along outside, and if you're for the war, uh, stay here and we'll do math problems. [the kids quickly stare at each other]
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, front entrance. The door open and all the kids run out. A cloud of paper signals their exit. Some of them twirl with delight. The boys come out singing.
The Boys: We got out of schoo-l! No more school toda-ay!
Kyle: What should we do?
Stan: Let's go see a movie! [they stop in their tracks as they hear "No war! No war!"]
Protesters: No war! No war! [a sea of them mill around on South Park Avenue waving various signs around] No war! No war! [One man wields an American flag. He lowers it while another reaches for a lighter and set the flag aflame.] No war! No war! [three men break into Tele's through its large window and steal various TVs] No war! No war! No war!
Mr. Mackey: [walks up to the boys with several signs in his hands] No war, m'kay?! No war, m'kay?! Oh uh, here you go, boys. [hands each of them a sign] These will help you protest. It's good to see that you care about peace, boys, m'kay? No war, m'kay?!
A voice: Excuse me, boys. [the boys look and the adult is shown] Tom Stansel, HBC news. Can you kids tell me why you marched out of school today? [behind him is the cameraman and an assistant, and behind her, the news van]
Stan: [pause] Uh... war?
Tom: Right. What about the war?
Kyle: [pause] Ih ih ih-t's g-gay?
Tom: Uh huh, and what aspect of it do you think is most gay?
Kyle: [looks at his sign] Uuuh, n-no blood for oil.
Stan: Yeah. [the mic moves back to him as he looks at his sign] War is not my voice.
Cartman: [reading Kenny's sign] Bush is a Naizi
Skeeter: [arrives with a crowd] Hey all you un-American bastards! If you don't like America, why don't you git out?! [moves his right thumb in front of his shoulder and to his right. With him are Jimbo, Ned, Stuart, and Craig's father Tom]
Mr. Mackey: Don't you call us un-American! This country was founded on the right to protest! M'kay?
Protesters: Yeah! Right!
Stuart: If the Founding Fathers saw you burning your flag an' callin' the President a Nazi, they'd roll over in their grave!
Supporters: Yeah! Right!
Randy: The Founding Fathers would agree with our right to protest!
Skeeter: Foundin' Fathers would kick all your asses!
Tom: Boys, what do you think the Founding Fathers would say?
Cartman: ...Eh the... Founding who? [seconds later, both sides rush each other and attack]
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, Garrison's classroom. He stares at the children angrily, his arms crossed.
Mr. Garrison: [drops his arm, putting his right hand on his hip] Well, I hope you little Commies are pretty pleased with yourselves! [crosses his arms again] Going out there and protesting America, and then saying on national television that you don't even know who the Founding Fathers are! You kids don't know squat about America, do you?!
Butters: Mmuh well, not really, no.
Mr. Garrison: Well that's just jingles! Because I'm assigning all you little flag-burners a full report on seventeen seventy-siyix, and the Founding Fathers!
Class: Awwwwww!
Mr. Garrison: SHUT UP! I want you all in your study groups of four, and if you can't give an outstanding report on what the Founding Fathers would have to say about all this protesting, then it's Fs for you! [walks off]
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, Garrison's classroom, moments later. The class has separated in groups of four and five. Group 1: Jimmy, Red, Clyde, Bebe, Wendy. Group 2: Butters, Jordan, Kevin, Token. Group 3: Cartman, Kenny, Stan, Kyle. Group 4: Tweek, Pip, blond boy, Craig, another boy. All are studying quietly. Camera angle moves from the front of the room to the side of the room opposite the door.
Cartman: [beginning to slack off] Ugh. Ughuh. [tries to resume studying, but his eyes grow heavy. He panics] I can't do it! This is waaay too much material for a nine-year-old! [yawns loudly and promptly sleeps on his book]
Kyle: [smacks Cartman] Oh no you don't, Cartman! Every time we get put in a study group, you sit on your ass while the rest of us do all the work!
Cartman: But you guys are such better studiers than me. I know you can pull it off.
Stan: [pointing] You're gonna read this stuff and study like the rest of us!
Cartman: Maaaa. M-maaaa.
Kyle: [annoyed] SHUT UP AND STUDY!
Cartman: Maaaa. Mah mah mh. [reluctantly returns to reading. He begins to fidget, then reads more, then fidgets again, turns the page, fidgets once more, then just thinks] Hmmm, 1776. When our Founding Fathers created America. I wonder what it used to be like in those days? [repeats the question, his voice fading at each repetition] In those days? In those days? In those days?
Kyle: [noticing] What are you doing?
Cartman: I'm trying to have a flashback.
Kenny: (A what?)
Cartman: You know. If I have a flashback, then I can see what 1776 was like first-hand!
Stan: No, you just have to study.
Cartman: No. I've seen this work before. Just give me a second. [thinks] Oh okay, okay. How about this: Say guys, 1776 was so long ago. I wonder what life would have been like back then? [repeats the last two words, his voice fading at each repetition] Back then? Back then? Back then? [nothing happens. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny look at him] Um... Oh waitwait, I know, I know! Heheh, you know guys, I don't even care about 1776. It was so long ago, that I don't think it has anything to do with me. [his voice begins to fade and he begins moving his hands around like a pantomime. The camera closes in] With me. With... anything to do with me. With me.
Kyle: That isn't gonna work, dumbass!
Mr. Slave: Kids, let's keep it down for study group, or else Mr. Garrison is going to punish me.
Stan: [from behind his book] Just face it, Cartman. You're gonna have to study!
Cartman: [throws a fit] Maaaaa. Meh mameh, Maaaaa!
Scene Description: South Park Avenue. The opposing groups face each other in front of the tallest building in town. Skeeter paints a line across the span of the street and looks up.
Skeeter: There! All finished. From now on, this is the pro-war side of town, and that's the unpatriotic side. [the war supporters begin to clamor]
Randy: How about we call this the rational side of town, and that the redneck side?!
Protesters: Hahahaha, yeah.
Jimbo: You just keep all your flag burnin' and your hippie-rock protest songs on YOUR side of the town!
Protester: Hey wait a minute, your side of town has the post office.
Stuart: Well your side has the grocery store.
Jimbo: Well you can come to our side of town to use the post office and we can go to your side to use the grocery store.
Gerald: Aaah, can we cross the line to take our kids to school?
Jimbo: W-hell, naturally you could cross the line for that. Just like ...we could cross the line for hardware, supplies, gas, and pharmaceutical needs.
Townsfolk: Yup, yes sir, yeah, right, uh huh.
Skeeter: Hey everybody, this is never going to work. Don't you see? All this dividin' up the town, it's just ridiculous. What we really should be doing, is just beatin' the hell out of each other like we were.
Randy: He's right. [looks at Sheila] Boy, do I feel like a fool. [moments later, both sides attack each other again. Among the skirmishes: Kenny's mom attacks Gerald, Sheila attacks Ned]
Scene Description: Cartman's house, upstairs. The boys walk down the hallway and reach Cartman's room. He's rigged up a way to ... knock himself out. Three pulley wheels and a nail guide a string tied to the door across the entrance, up the wall, and back to the top of the door entrance. At the other end of the string is a big rock.
Kyle: Cartman, what the hell are you doing?! You're supposed to be studying! [the boys stop at the entrance to Cartman's room]
Cartman: That's what I'm doing. I'm about to find out all about what happened back in 1776. [tests the tautness of the string]
Stan: How?!
Cartman: All I have to do is be thinking about American history when I walk through this doorway. I'll trip the rope, causing the rock to fall on my head. And then I will have a flashback to the times of our Founding Fathers!
Kyle: Cartman, you are hereby declared a full-fledged retard!
Cartman: Haha, make fun of me all you want, Kyle! But I will have the last laugh. Gentlemen, if you will clear the doorway, please? [Stan and Kyle look at each other, Kenny looks at them. They clear the doorway. Kyle stands on one side, Stan and Kenny on the other. Cartman backs up, clears his throat, then begins to walk with purpose] Oh Gee. I wonder what it used to be like in the year 1776. [trips the string. The rock immediately falls on his head, knocking him out. He moans a few times.]
Kyle: Cartman? Cartman?? [the boys gather around Cartman. Kyle turns him over.]
Cartman: Benjamin Franklin?
Kyle: No, turdpants, it's Kyle!
Cartman: [touches Kyle, then in a weak raspy voice] Kyle! Get out of my flashback, you God-damned Jew!
Scene Description: City Hall, day. Both sides of the war issue are in the office.
Townsfolk: Rabble! Rabble! Rabble! Rabble! Rabble! Rabble! Rabble! Rabble! Rabble!
Mayor McDaniels: Okay, people. What are we rambling about now?
Randy: [steps forward] Mayor, our peace rally has always been set for this Saturday! Now, these pro-war bastards are suddenly trying to say they get the town square.
Skeeter: [steps forward, past a few war supporters] That's bullcrap, Mayor! Our rally to support the war was set up months ago!
Gerald: There was no war months ago!
Skeeter: Hey, if you don't like America, then you can git out!
Randy: Look, nobody wants to hear a bunch of twangy country music propaganda!
Stuart: Well nobody wants to hear a bunch o' rock protest songs! [both side begin to clamor again]
Mr. Mackey: Well up yours, rednecks!
Townsfolk: Rabble! Rabble! Rabble! Rabble! Rabble! Rabble! Rabble! Rabble! Rabble!
Mayor McDaniels: Quiet people! The town square is public space. That means if neither group will nicely and maturely move the day of its rally, I'll just have to give the town square to both groups.
Jimbo: All right, that's fine! Because our war support songs will be a thousand times better!
Randy: Oh, you think so? Bring the shizzle!
Skeeter: We'll trizzle the shizzle all over the hizzle!
Gerald: Yeah?! See you Saturday, makizzer shanna sharilla shaz biuznatch gazizzah!
Scene Description: Cartman's house, night. The front door opens and in walk the boys.
Stan: Cartman?
Kyle: Cartman? You'd better be studying, God-damnit! [there's debris all over the living room. The boys arrive at Cartman hanging from a candy-cane colored swing set with the swings removed. Beneath him is a tub of water. Cartman has it rigged so that he pulls a string, which releases him and at the same time triggers a sledgehammer, which hits a box, which is supposed to land in the tub with him.]
Cartman: Ah, Stan, Kyle, Kenny, you're just in time.
Stan: Oh no...
Cartman: Oh yes! I am just about to flash back to the days of our Founding Fathers!
Kyle: Cartman, you're supposed to be studying! What the hell is all this?!
Cartman: I have programmed TiVo to record over fifty hours of the History channel. When TiVo is full, both TiVo and I will be dropped into the water, combining our electrowhatever fields and sending me into a flashback of history!
Stan: Uh Cartman, I think that's a really bad idea.
Cartman: Or a really sweet one. [a bell is heard]
TV OH: Your Tivo is full.
Cartman: Whoa, here it goes! [triggers the sledgehammer as he falls. Both he and the TiVo land in the tub, and the house shorts out. Cartman is electrocuted as he lands in the water. The boys spend a few seconds in the darkness looking at Cartman, wondering if he'll come to. Kenny turns and walks away slowly]
Kyle: Cartman? [no response] Cartman??
Stan: Aww crap.
Scene Description: The flashback. Cartman is seen in period dress, face down on a dirt road. He comes to, looks up, sits up and looks around, then notices his clothes. He quickly rises and looks at Philadelphia in the distance.
Cartman: Ohhh awesome!!! [a horse-drawn carriage approaches, driven by a teenage boy.]
Official messenger boy: Worthy young lad, are you all right?
Cartman: Yeah yeah. Can you tell me what year it is?
Official messenger boy: This year? Why it's 1776, it is.
Cartman: Oho yes! I did it I did it!
Official messenger boy: Would you like a ride into town? I'm on my way to Master Thomas Jefferson's house to get a very important document, I am.
Cartman: Oho kick fucking ass, dude! [approaches the carriage and climbs up to sit alongside the driver]
Official messenger boy: Never seen you around here, friend. Might you be from up North?
Cartman: No, I'm not from here at all. I'm having a flashback.
Official messenger boy: A flashback? Why, what is that?
Cartman: Well you know, it's a... [points at something] H-ho, awesome! [they've entered the town and Cartman begins to sing.] Look at me, I'm back in time, in 1776. With gaslight corners, cobblestone streets, and humble houses made of bricks. What a special magic time, and it's all alive for me I'm so glad Stan and Kyle aren't here. I hate those guys, seriously. Seriously hate those guys. Hate Stan and Kyle.
Scene Description: Hell's Pass Hospital, day, Cartman's recovery room. Cartman's mom sits by his bed as Stan and Kyle look on. Dr. Doctor enters.
Liane: [jumps up worried] Is he going to be all right, doctor??
Dr. Doctor: Your son tried to kill himself in a ritualistic fashion I've never seen before. His chances of surviving are very slim. I'm so sorry.
Liane: [quickly returns to embrace him, with emotion in her voice.] Oh baby baby, you can't die.
Kyle: Yeah. We have a report to do, asshole! Get up! Get up!! [shakes him hard]
Liane: Whoa. Easy, Kyle.
Kyle: But it's not fair! We have to do a full report on the Founding Fathers, and Cartman got out of helping us again!
Stan: I guess we're just gonna have to do it with the three of us! Come on, guys!
Liane: I know you're in a very dark place now, sweetie. But you must come toward the light! Come toward the light!
Scene Description: Flashback, night. The driver and Cartman approach Jefferson's house.
Official messenger boy: Here we are, then. The current residence of Master Thomas Jefferson.
Cartman: Super neato! [both driver and Cartman disboard and walk towards the door]
Official messenger boy: [stops and turns] I'm afraid you'll have to wait here.
Cartman: But, I need to talk to the Founding Fathers to do my report.
Official messenger boy: Sorry. Only the official messenger boy is allowed to talk to Mister Jefferson
Cartman: Oh, okay.I guess I understand. [the driver walks off. Cartman notices some firewood and picks up a log of it, then follows the driver while singing to himself] I don't wanna wait for our life to be over...[he quickly assaults the driver and beats him with the log, then drags the body away and returns to the Jefferson residence, knocking on the door] I don't wanna wait for our life to be over...
Jefferson: Hello. I am Thomas Jefferson.
Cartman: And I am the official messenger boy, I am.
Jefferson: [holding a document] Very well. Take this document to the Continental Congress. [hands it to Cartman]
Cartman: [beholding it] Wow, the Declaration of Independence Day.
Jefferson: Some favor going to war with England and others want to avoid war at all cost.
Cartman: It's a bitch, ain't it?
Jefferson: Perhaps this document will make the reasons for war obvious to all. Good luck, young messenger! [Cartman turns and heads for the carriage] Now make haste!
Scene Description: Stan's house, day. Kyle, Stan, and Kenny study at the coffee table in the living room.
Stan: Okay, so Thomas Jefferson wrote the Declaration of Independence, then the Continental Congress-
Protesters: [first heard, then seen as they enter from screen left] No war! No war! No war!
Kyle: Oh, Jesus...
Randy: Uh, boys, would you mind clearing the living room. We have to practice our big war protest song.
Stan: Dad, we have to study. Mr. Garrison is making us do a presentation on what the Founding Fathers would say about the war.
Mr. Mackey: Hey... That's a terrific idea!
Gerald: Yeah! We could have the boys do their presentation as part of our peace rally on Saturday!
Stan: Oh, no, nononono.
Supporters: [first heard, then they enter through the front door] Support our troops! Support our troops! Support our troops!
Skeeter: See? I told you they had your son.
Stuart: Kenny. What are you doing over here with all these un-American traitors?!
Kenny: (I'm doing my homework.)
Randy: The boys are going to give a presentation at our rally about how the Founding Fathers would agree with our right to protest! [the war supporters clamor against Randy]
Stan: Actually, we hadn't really come to a decision-
Stuart: Look! My son is a patriot and LOVES his country! [grabs Kenny's jacket] Come on, Kenny!
Kenny: (But Dad, I-)
Stuart: NOW!
Skeeter: Yeah!
Supporters: Support our troops! Support our troops! Support our troops! Support our troops! [they walk out the front door. Kenny follows his dad out. Stan follows him ]
Stan: [stops at the open door] Kenny, no- ohhh! Awww. [turns around and returns to the table] Awww, now we lost two in our study group!
Kyle: [shoves his book off the table] God damnit!
Randy: Can you believe those hick sons of bitches? Manipulating those kids to be on their side.
Gerald: Disgraceful! Stan and Kyle, it's up to you to show all those war-mongerers that the Founding Fathers agree with us!
Protester 1: Yeah, that's right!
Protester 2: Come on, guys!
Protester 3: Get back to work!
Kyle: Do you think kids in every town have to deal with this crap?
Scene Description: Philadelphia, day. Independence Hall is shown. Cartman enters and finds the Congress room. The doors open before him.
A voice: Enter, young messenger. [Cartman enters the room, awed by the people he sees around him, and approaches the main desk. He hands the document to the man waiting there] I am John Hancock, President of the Congress.
Cartman: Wow.
Hancock: Mr. John Adams?
Adams: Aye. [rises and approaches the table]
Hancock: Will you do the honors of reading the document to Congress, please? [Cartman takes an empty chair nearby]
Adams: [reading from the Declaration] WHEN in the Course of human Events, it becomes necessary for one Penis to rise up- [cut to the end of the Declaration] -we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes, and our sacred Honor.P.S. - Every Thursday should be Free Ice Cream Day. [rolls up the Declaration. Cartman looks around]
A Congressman: Excuse me, but does this Declaration actually suggest that we should go to go war with England?
Adams: We have no choice, Mr. Dickinson. [chatter erupts]
Scene Description: South Park, day. The town square stage. On stage are decorations for the two sides. On the left is a large peace sign on a green curtain surrounded by peace signs and protest signs, on the right is a large eagle surrounded by yellow ribbons. Both groups are on stage.
Mr. Mackey: All right everyone, thank you all for comin' out to protest the war, m'kay? [people within the crowd clap. Randy comes out dressed in an Elvis outfit].
Skeeter: Don't kid yourselves. These people have come out to support our troops, right?! [raises a fist. Other people within the crowd clap]
Mr. Mackey: And now, Randy Marsh is gonna sing a protest song he wrote about the war.
Skeeter: Oh no you don't! We're doing our pro-war song first!
Jimbo: Yeah! The last thing these people want is a bleedin'-heart rock protest song!
Mayor McDaniels: [intervenes] People, I told you, you have to share the stage.
Randy: Nobody wants to here another pro-war country song!
Skeeter: Well excuse me if... I'm a little bit country.
Randy: Well I'm a little bit rock-n-roll-AH!
Skeeter: I'm a little for supportin' our troops.
Randy: And I'm a little for bringin' 'em home.
Skeeter: I believe freedom isn't free.
Randy: No, but war shouldn't be our goal.
Skeeter: We must defend our country.
Randy: If it means war, then we say NO!
Somebody: Yeehaw!
Skeeter: [walks to the edge of the stage in front of the war support crowd, then sits on the edge] Did you forget them towers in New York? Did you forget how it made you feel To see them towers come down? Were you like me? Did you think it weren't real?
Randy: I like to rock, but I don't wanna rock Iraq! The only kind of rockin' America should do, is the kind that we can all dance to, yeah!
Skeeter: We got GPS, ICBMs, and good old-fashioned lead. We're gonna show Saddam what America means; that son of a bitch'll be dead.
Randy: Why are we fightin' this war? There's a man in the office we didn't vote for. They didn't give me a choice. War is not my voice! Yeaaaaahhhh!
Scene Description: Philadelphia, day, Independence Hall. There's plenty of argument going on.
Adams: We must go to war!
Dickinson: But what about the violence?! The lives lost?! If we found a country, it should be founded on peace and diplomacy.
Congressman 1: England will only understand one thing: Force.
Congressman 2: [rises] I must state again for the record that South Carolina, North Carolina, Pennsylvania, Maryland, and Georgia are against war! [pounds the table with his fist]
Congressman 3: Yeah, because you don't care about the fate of the Colonies like we do! You're all unpatriotic! And if you don't like the Colonies, then you can get out!
Dickinson: Don't you call us unpatriotic! We're protesting this war because we care so deeply for the fate of our Colonies! You are all unpatriotic for leading the Colonies into a war that half of them don't want! [the various Congressmen begin babbling with each other]
Cartman: [observing] Whoa, how very very relevant.
Scene Description: South Park, day, town square. The rally is still going on, and a reporter files the following report.
Tom: Tom, I'm standing in the town square where the war rally has been going on for an incredible eighty-seven hours. The crowd still appears to be split right down the middle - half of them support country music, and the other half rock-n-roll. Let's listen in.
Mr. Mackey: And now we'd like to bring out a couple of very special South Park students who did a report on what the Founding Fathers would have to say about the war. [Stan walks up to the mic, watching the crowd on the way there. Kyle follows. The crowd claps appreciatively]
Protesters: Booooo!!
Randy: [steps up] For you people who still think war is the answer, perhaps you can listen to the voices ... of the children. [shows them off and backs out of the scene. The crowd applauds and quiets down]
Stan: Uh, we didn't do it.
Mr. Mackey: What?
Kyle: We didn't do our homework.
Sharon: Boys! You were supposed to come out here and tell everyone about the Founding Fathers!
Stan: Well, first we lost one study partner when Cartman put himself in the hospital, and then they took Kenny away, and then Kyle forgot to set his clock ahead for Daylight Saving, so we couldn't find anything in the history books about Iraq and then-
Skeeter: That's because the Founding Fathers would have supported the war!
Mr. Mackey: The Founding Fathers would have protested like us!
Supporters: Support!
Protesters: Protest!
Supporters: Country!
Protesters: Rock-n-roll!
Scene Description: The two sides charge at each other on stage, then off stage. They attack each other with their signs. One man drives his "War is not my voice" sign straight down into another man's head. A man drives his "Bush is a Nazi" sign up a woman's nose after she swats him with her "Support Your Troops" sign. A woman strikes someone else down with her "No Blood for Oil" sign. Stan and Kyle just look on.
Scene Description: Philadelphia, day, Independence Hall. There's plenty of argument still going on.
Congressmen: Rabble Rabble Rabble Rabble Rabble Rabble Rabble Rabble Rabble Rabble Rabble Rabble!
Dickinson: We cannot found a country based on war!
Adams: We cannot found a country that is afraid to fight!
Congressman: Rabble!
Congressmen: Rabble Rabble Rabble Rabble Rabble Rabble Rabble! [the doors open and in walks an august figure. The boisterous voices become hushed] Oh my, it's Benjamin Franklin. It's Benjamin Franklin. It's Benjamin Franklin. [they keep murmuring this as Franklin walks towards the main desk]
Cartman: Oh, it's Benjamin Franklin. It's Benjamin Franklin. It's Benjamin Franklin.
Hancock: Mr. Franklin, where do you stand on the war issue?
Franklin: I believe that if we are to form a new country, we cannot be a country that appears war-hungry and violent to the rest of the world. However, we also cannot be a country that appears weak and unwilling to fight to the rest of the world. So, what if we form a country that appears to want both?
Jefferson: Yes. Yes of course. We go to war, and protest going to war at the same time.
Dickinson: Right. If the people of our new country are allowed to do whatever they wish, then some will support the war and some will protest it.
Franklin: And that means that as a nation, we could go to war with whomever we wished, but at the same time, act like we didn't want to. If we allow the people to protest what the government does, then the country will be forever blameless.
Adams: [holding a slice of chocolate cake] It's like having your cake, and eating it, too.
Congressman 2: Think of it: an entire nation founded on saying one thing and doing another.
Hancock: And we will call that country the United States of America.
Cartman: Wow, I get it now! I get it! [senses his flashback coming to an end] Whoa, here it goes. I wish I could go back to my time. To my time, to, to my time.
Scene Description: Hell's Pass Hospital, day, Cartman's room. Cartman comes to and looks around.
Cartman: Wow!
Scene Description: South Park, town square. The townsfolk are still attacking each other and killing more of their number. One man kills another with a "PEACE NOW" sign. A war supporter runs a flag pole through a protester, then pulls it back out again. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny watch from the other end of the square, towards the stage as the carnage continues.
Cartman: [appears on stage in his hospital gown, his hair disheveled] Everyone, stop! Please! [everyone stops and looks at him]
Townsman: The-the child! The child, from the hospital.
Cartman: If you all don't mind, I would like to do my report now. I know what the founding fathers would say.
Stan: He does? [he and Kyle are shocked]
Kyle: He does?
Cartman: I learned somethin' today. This country was founded by some of the smartest thinkers the world has ever seen. And they knew one thing: that a truly great country can go to war, and at the same time, act like it doesn't want to. [a shot of the crowd]
Cartman: You people who are for the war, you need the protesters. Because they make the country look like it's made of sane, caring individuals. And you people who are anti-war, you need these flag-wavers, because, if our whole country was made up of nothing but soft pussy protesters, we'd get taken down in a second. That's why the founding fathers decided we should have both. It's called "having your cake and eating it too."
Randy: He's right. The strength of this country is the ability to do one thing and say another.
Skeeter: Yeah, but... if it weren't for all you guys protesting, why everyone around the world would hate the American people instead of just the President.
Gerald: And if it weren't for you people flexing your arms, America could easily get taken over by terrorists or... or China.
Mr. Mackey: I guess we... owe you an apology.
Stuart: Eh-ah, I guess we owe you one.
Townsfolk: Awww. [amid a chorus of awwws they hug each other.]
Kyle: Cartman? Cartman saved the day?
Stan: Can't be
Cartman: The Founding Fathers want you all to know that we can disagree all we want, as long as we agree that America kicks ass.
Skeeter: Hey I'm a little bit country
Randy: And I'm a little bit rock-n-roll-AH!
Scene Description: Cartman takes his mic and backs out of the scene, leaving Randy and Skeeter to sing together.
Skeeter: I'll be the muscle of America
Randy: And me, I'll be the caring soul.
Together: And when you put us together you get a nation with one goal To thrive and prosper, with a little country and rock and roll.
Skeeter: Come on up here, everybody! [the crowd surges onto the stage. Stan and Kyle look dumbfounded]
Everybody: We're a little bit country, and we're a little bit rock-n-roll
Stuart: We can be a nation that believes in war.
Mr. Mackey: And still tells the world that we don't. [moments later the back of the stage begins to rise, revealing guests from many previous episodes]
Everybody: Let the flag for hypocrisy fly high from every pole Cuz we're a little bit country, and we're a little bit rock-n-roll.
Randy: Well, goodnight everybody. It sure has been great bringing you a hundred episodes.
Skeeter: We want to thank our guests, the pro-war people. [shown, including Halfy. Some applause is heard] And the anti-war people. [shown. Some applause is heard]
Stan: What the hell are they doing now?
Kyle: [covers his nose and shuts his eyes tight] I-I don't know.
Everybody: For the war, against, the war, WHO CARES?? One hundred episodes!
Scene Description: Randy and Skeeter perform some nifty footwork as they finish the song.
Kyle: I hate this town. I-I really really do.


Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Kyle is speaking to the school in the school gym, which is nicely decorated in the flags of many nations, both on the rafters and on the small stage set up at one end of the basketball court.
Kyle: [wearing an argyle sweater] ...And in conclusion, the Latino community has provided America, and indeed, the entire world with innovations that we would be lost without. And that is my presentation on the role of Hispanics in American technology. Thank you. [cheers from the school crowd before him]
Principal Victoria: [approaches the mic] Okay, thank you, Kyle Broflovski.
Mr. Mackey: [as Kyle approaches him] That was very good, Kyle. I think the Latino Endowment Council was very happy with your presentation. Looks like you might win. [a shot of the council, which is comprised of five Latinos. ]
Kyle: Cool.
Principal Victoria: All right, students, members of the school board. Our last speaker will discuss the important role of Latinos in the arts. Here is... Eric Cartman. [reads again in disbelief] Eric Cartman? [a smattering of applause from the kids in the crowd]
Cartman: [approaches the mic with his left hand behind his back] Thank you. The Latino culture has been very influential on the arts in America. But you don't have to ask me. You can ask my special guest. Miss Jennifer Lopez.
Kids: Jennifer Lopez?
Kyle: No way.
Cartman: [shows off his left hand, which is open] Miss Lopez, come on out here. [the hand closes to become a fist, and that fist has a face and hair painted on it]
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: [Cartman begins to speak in a Spanish cartoon accent and his lips form a tiny smile as his hand begins to move] Hallooo. [the hand sports a small wig and a paper cutout of a woman's body hanging down from it. The cutout wears a white top and shorts and a heavy brown coat. The cutout's right hand sports some yellow bracelets]
Principal Victoria: [taken aback] Oh, Jesus Christ.
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: My name is Hennifer Lopez. I eat tacos, y burritos.
Cartman: Ms. Lopez, would you like to talk about Latinos and the arts?
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: Oh si, si. But first I would like to put on my pretty dress.
Cartman: Oh, you mean this one? [whips out a doll's dress for the occasion]
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: Oh si si si. I like it very much.
Cartman: [fits the dress under his hand] There we go, Saright?
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: Saright.
Cartman: That's a very pretty dress. [the Latino Endowment Council is shown again]
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: It better be! I am Hennifer Lopez!
Cartman: Nonono, you're Jennifer Lopez.
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: si si. [enunciating] Hennifer Lopez!
Cartman: Nono, Jeh-
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: Heh-
Cartman: Jeh-
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: Heh-
Cartman: Jeh-
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: Jeh-
Cartman: Jennifer Lopez.
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: Hennifer Lopez. [members of the council laugh and clap]
A Council Member: Hahahahaha, oh my.
Cartman: Ms. Lopez, could you show everyone your example of Latino arts?
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: Don't be fooled by all my money. I still like to eat tacos, honey. So crispy on the outside, so super good and yummy.
Cartman: And that is my presentation on Latinos in the arts. Thank you. [Much more cheer and applause for him. The school gives him a standing ovation. The members of the Latino Endowment council jump up and down with joy and pride. Stan and Kenny clap with everyone else, Kyle is just stunned.]
Scene Description: South Park Mall, later. The boys walk down one side inside the mall. Cartman leads the way.
Cartman: Oh-hoh man! A twenty-dollar gift certificate at the mall! I can buy whatever I want! Cultural Diversity Day kicks ass!
Kyle: It isn't fair. I spent weeks preparing my speech on Latino culture.
Cartman: Hey, I spent weeks preparing too, Kyle.
Kyle: No you didn't, asshole! What you did was totally stupid and racist! And you only did it to screw me over!
Cartman: [walks up to Kyle] Awww, I don't think Kyle likes you, Ms. Lopez.
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: Aww, that makes me muy triste.
Cartman: Ms. Lopez, do you like Kyle?
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: Oh si si, very much.
Cartman: Ms. Lopez, would you like to give Kyle a kiss?
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: Oh si, si si, my kisses taste like tacos. [Cartman plants his fist on Kyle's lips and makes kissing noises, then removes the hand]
Cartman: Is nice?
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: Is very nice. He's so handsome. [Cartman puts the hand back on Kyle's mouth and resumes the kissing noises]
Kyle: [swats Cartman's hand away]Stop it!
Cartman: Hey, come one guys! We can use part of my gift certificate to buy food at the food court.
Kenny: (Woohoo!) [the boys go to the food court]
Scene Description: South Park Mall, later. The boys walk down the mall. Cartman's hand is finishing off a taco as he looks at it.
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: Mmm, tacos! So yummy!
Kyle: Stop wasting the tacos on your hand, Cartman!
Cartman: Hey, Ms. Lopez has to eat, too.
Kyle: She's not eating it, it's just coming out her backside!
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: When you eat a taco it comes out your backside too, cholo!
Kenny: (Heheehee, heheh yeahah)
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: Look look! Make your own music video! [they stop in front of a "U R Da Star", a music-video shop]
Kyle: Nonono, we're not going into one of those cheesy places, Cartman!
Cartman: I agree. Those places are stupid.
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: It's not stupid. I need to make music video.
Stan: [to Cartman's hand] Look, we're not going in there, so just-! Wait, why the hell am I talking to your hand? [slaps Cartman's hand down] Look, we're not going in there, so just knock it off!
Cartman: Hey, I'm on your guys' side.
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: [rises] Just wait one minute, let me see how much it is. [leads Cartman in. Stan and Kenny follow]
Kyle: God dammit! [follows reluctantly]
Michael: Welcome to Make Your Own Video. All set to rock and roll?
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: How much to make a video?
Michael: Uh, well, it's nine ninety five for a three-minute tape.
Cartman: Heh! We're not paying nine ninety five!
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: Oh please! Come on, guys!
Kyle: Cartman, will you stop this gayness?!
Cartman: All right all right, here's ten dollars! [takes out the bill and hands it to the cashier]
Kyle: That's not what I meant!
Michael: All right, just come over here and stand in front of the green screen. [Cartman walks over to the screen] What kind of song do you want?
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: Something hot and spicy.
Scene Description: The cashier puts on various music tracks, first song is a rock song.
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: Spicier.
Scene Description: Next is Latin song
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: Spicierrr!
Scene Description: Next song is a Latin mix. This is agreeable, so the video is made.
Scene Description: "Jennifer Lopez: Taco-Flavored Kisses" is shown, The hand has its costume on hanging down from it.
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: Burrito. Taco taco. Burrito. Taco. Taco taco. Don't think that just because I got a lot of money I'll give you taco-flavored kisses, honey! Fulfill all your wishes with my taco-flavored kisses. Taco taco. Burrito Burri...to. Taco taco.
Michael: You know, I've seen a lot of videos here at the mall, and that was by far the best!
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: Oh, gracias, "Machel"! [the cashier's tag reads "Michael"]
Michael: Hey, I've got a friend who's interning at a big record label in L.A. I'll send a copy on to him and maybe he'll get the bigwigs to see it.
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: Oh, gracias, Machel, gracias!
Kyle: Can we go now, please?!
Cartman: Yeah, I wanna leave.
Kyle: Stop it, Cartman!
Cartman: What?
Scene Description: BHI records, L.A. day. The tape is being played on a massive screen in an office.
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: Fulfill all your wishes with my taco-flavored kisses.Taco taco.
BHI President: She's fantastic. Who is she? [two men sit on a sofa, one sits on an armchair]
Aide 1: [with brown hair] Believe it or not, her name is Jennifer Lopez.
Aide 2: [in armchair] That makes sense. She reminds me of J-Lo.
BHI President: Yeah, but she's younger and spicier.
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: Taco taco. Burrito Burri...to. Taco taco.
Aide 2: I don't think J-Lo would like it very much if we signed this new girl.
BHI President: No, you're right. We're gonna have to fire J-Lo.
Scene Description: Cartman's house, day. The phone rings in the kitchen and he answers it.
Cartman: Hello? ...BHI records? ...Oh, it's for you, Ms. Lopez. [hands the phone to "her"]
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: Oh, si si siiih. Allo!
Cartman: What do they want?
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: [looks at Cartman] Just a second, I'm trying to hear.
Cartman: S'awright?
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: S'awright. [returns to "her" call] Yes yes, this is Ms. Hrrrlopez. Uh huh. [gasps and screams "her" head off]
Cartman: What? What?
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: Oh my God I can't believe it!!!
Cartman: [puts the phone to his ear] Hello, are you still there?
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: They want to sign me to the record company!
Cartman: You want to sign Ms. Lopez?
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: Oh my God, it's happening for me!
Cartman: Yes! Yes, we can record an album next week! Sure we can write ten songs! We'll start tonight!! [hangs up and grins] We're gonna be rich!
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: We're gonna be famose!
Cartman: Come on, we gotta get to work on some songs! [runs off]
Scene Description: Cartman's house, night. Cartman is on his bed writing away on a notepad.
Cartman: There. That's three more songs we've written already! Your style of music is so easy it doesn't require any thought at all!
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: Oh, si si siiih.
Cartman: [scoots back to his bedside lamp and turns it off, then settles under the covers] Okay, Ms. Lopez, time to go to sleep. [rubs off her open eyes and paints some closed lids on his hand.]
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: Ohh, I'm so sleeeepyyy.
Cartman: Good night, Ms. Lopez. Tomorrow is gonna be a great day. Great day tomorrow... [begins to dream of taunting Kyle] Tomorrow...
Scene Description: His dream begins at the bus stop
Cartman: "Kyle, you were wrong! We did do a record deal!" [in class, sitting next to each other] "You were wrong, Kyle!" [in the cafeteria, as Kyle walks by with his lunch] "Nananananaaana!" [on the bus ride home] "Hahahahahaaaha!" [images of Kyle come forth, crying] "Nananananaaana!" "Hahahahahaaaha!" [in his sleep] Awesommme. Yeeessss.
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: [has dreams of its own] Aaahhhh. Aaahhhh.
Scene Description: An Oscar ceremony. Two Oscars stand guard over a red carpet. On either side of the carpet is a crowd of people. A limo pulls up and a hand floats out of it.
Man 1: Ms. Lopez! Up here!
Man 2: Jennifer, We love you Jennifer!
Man 3: Jennifer, over here.
Man 4: Jennifer!
Scene Description: A concert. Her first single is thumping away, and she appears as just a hand, floating over the stage floor.
Female fan: [stageside] We love you Jennifer! [roses land onstage. Shots of three magazines follow.]
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: [back to Cartman's room] Aaahhhh.
Scene Description: BHI Records, Los Angeles, day. The president and his men are in a meeting when he looks up.
BHI President: Ah, Ms. Lopez, come on in.
Jennifer Lopez: [carrying a toy poodle takes a seat and removes her glasses] Yo, make it quick. I got a video shoot at two and a script reading at five.
BHI President: Yes, well uh, Ms. Lopez, we regret to inform you that, uh... we're dropping you from the label.
Jennifer Lopez: What? Oh no you di'n't!
Aide 1: We wanna thank you for all your hard work and ..."talent".
Jennifer Lopez: [pounds her table] You can't drop me! I'm Jennifer Lopez! How can you drop me?!
BHI President: Wu-well a very talented younger singer has come to our attention and, and the truth of the matter is her name happens to be Jennifer Lopez as well. And we really can't have two here at BHI Records.
Jennifer Lopez: Who the hell is this other Jennifer Lopez?! Where is she come from?!
Aide 1: Well, she lives in South Park, Colorado now, but uh I believe she originally from Mexico, just like you.
Jennifer Lopez: I don't come from no Mexico! I'm Puer'ah Rican!
BHI President: Whatever. Look, it's nothing personal, we just think you need to move on.
Aide 2: Bu- AND you're a mean-spirited bitch who spits on people who aren't rich and famous.
Scene Description: A limousine, from the back seat. A small TV is on near the floor, behind the driver.
Reporter: And sources say that the new film will star Ben Affleck.
Ben: [sitting at the other end of the passenger cabin] Huhuhuh, that's me. [a door opens opposite him and J-Lo enters] How'd it go, baby?
Jennifer Lopez: Terrible, Ben! Some girl in Colorado is trying to become the new Jennifer Lopez! [her dog begins to bark] Shut up! [a few more barks and she tosses it out the window.]
Ben: What?? Who could replace you??
Jennifer Lopez: [tries to get the driver's attention] Yo driver. Stupid driver!
Driver: [looks back] Yes, ma'am. Where to?
Jennifer Lopez: Take me to South Park, Colorado! I'm gonna kill that bitch!!
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The kids file in to class. Many of them are already seated. Butters is looking out the window.
Cartman: [runs up] Hey everybody! Listen up! I've got something to tell Kyle! [Slience.]
Kyle: [decide to answer] ...What?
Cartman: [approaches him] Hahahahahaaaha! Hahahahahaaaha! Hahaha, Hahaha, Hahahahahahaha!
Stan: What are you gloating about?
Cartman: Oh, I'm not gloating. I just got a little call from a record company in Los Angeles and, they want Ms. Lopez to record an album next week.
Kids in Class: Wow, really?
Kyle: No!
Cartman: [a slight gloat arises] Yup, looks like I'm gonna be rich. [nods to his hand] And famous.
Mr. Garrison: Okay, children, let's take our seats. If you'll remember yesterday we were discussing state capitals.
Butters: [pipes up and turns to the class] Hey, a big limousine just pulled up in front of the school!
Mr. Garrison: Butters, will you pay attention, please?
Butters: Holy smokes, it's Jennifer Lopez!
Cartman: Jennifer Lopez?
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: Yes?
Butters: Holy geez wow! There's Ben Affleck, too!
A boy: Wow, cool! [the kids leave their seats and head for the window]
Mr. Garrison: Will you kids shut up? [puts his book away and walks to the window] Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck are not-! Oh my God, that's Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck. [the limo has pulled up. Jennifer and Ben climb out of the limo and the driver directs them to the office.]
Mr. Slave: Oh Jesus, will you look at those boots?
Mr. Garrison: Well what are we waiting for? Let's get outside! [rushes out and the cheering class and Mr. Slave follow]
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, outside, later. Word gets around and all of the school comes out to see for itself.
Principal Victoria: Is it true? Jennifer Lopez is here?
Mr. Mackey: Here she comes! Here she comes!
Jennifer Lopez: Okay! What smart-mouthed little punk-ass bitch has been saying they're the new Jennifer Lopez, huh?!
Principal Victoria: [Mr. Adler takes a picture] J-Lo, can we get a picture of you with the kids?
Jennifer Lopez: [begins pacing] No! Shut up! If I find the ho who thinks she's taken my career from me, I'm gonna wring her pretty little neck! [reaches the other end of the crowd] So, nobody want's to fess up, huh? Too scared to talk?! You'd better remember, bitch, that I'll come and take you down if you ever say anythin' again! [walks away]
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: [a few seconds later...] You can suck my culo, chica! [Cartman looks up, stunned, as Jennifer Lopez returns to the crowd]
Jennifer Lopez: [looks around] Who was that?! [all the kids back away from Cartman while pointing at him] You go' a problem?!
Cartman: Not me!
Jennifer Lopez: Then who? [Cartman brings out his hand and points to it with the other]
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: Hola, bitchola! [Cartman is looking ever more fearful]
Jennifer Lopez: What the hell is that?!
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: My name is Hennifer Hlopez! And I like tacos, and burritos.
Jennifer Lopez: That? That's what replaced me?!
Cartman: I'm sure it was just a mistake.
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: Only mistake was when this ghetto trash got signed in the first place!
Cartman: Shut your God-damned mouth!
Jennifer Lopez: [picks Cartman up by the scruff of his jacket] You fucking smartass, who do you think you are?!
Cartman: Nobody!
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: I am Yennifer Hrlopez! I eat tacos, and burritos!
Jennifer Lopez: Fuck you! [begins to assault Cartman's hand]
Cartman: Yaaaaah! Wait! I'm sorry! Ah I'll stop! I'll stop!
Jennifer Lopez: You'd better stop!
Cartman: I will!
Ben: [walks up to join Jennifer] Come on, Jenny, let's go.
Bebe: Wow, Ben Affleck.
Ben: We should be getting back to the... [something grabs his attention. Cartman looks away. Ben begins to fall for this new Jennifer Lopez]
Jennifer Lopez: Don' you forget what'll happen to you, ho! Come on, Benny!
Scene Description: She drags him off, but he glances back at the new Jennifer Lopez. He follows the original Lopez into the limousine, looking back one more time. As the limo leaves, Ben looks back one more time with his hands up against the glass as if blowing a kiss. The crowd then disperses.
Kyle: Well, there you go, fatass! I hope you learned your lesson.
Cartman: Yeah. I sure did. I don't think I should record that album now.
Kyle: Good.
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: [rises once more] Or maybe I shou-ould.
Kyle: Aw, God-dammit!
Cartman: Ohnonono, Ms. Lopez.
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: Ohsisisi, senor.
Kyle: That does it. I'm out. [walks off]
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: Oh, where are you going, Kyle? Come give me kisses!
Scene Description: Music Lab Recording Studios, night.
Aide 1: All right, Ms. Lopez, take it from the top. [music begins. Cartman is on a stool with his puppet at his side.]
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: Baby let's make a run for the border, I've got a hunger only tacos can stop. I know exactly what I'll order Three tacos two tostadas and a soda pop.
BHI President: Gentlemen, we have ourselves a hit.
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: I need to make a run for the border, If you pay I'll take off my top. Do you remember what I want to order? Three tacos two tostadas and a soda pop. Yeah-eah, and don't forget the hot sauce, Cholo!
Scene Description: Cartman's house, night. He's asleep, dreaming.
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: Don't think just because I got money I won't still give you taco-flavored kisses, honey. I'm gonna fulfill all your sexy wishes Give you lots of taco-flavored kisses-
Cartman: What the hell are you doing?
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: I'm practicing my dancinngg!
Cartman: Look, we spent all night at the recording studio. Now it's time to sleep!
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: Dancing!
Cartman: Sleep!
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: Dancing!
Cartman: [slowly, whiney] Sleep!
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: [slowly, invitingly] Dancing!
Cartman: Moooommm! [Cartman's mother enters the room]
Liane: What's the matter, sweetie?
Cartman: Ms. Lopez won't go to sleep!
Scene Description: Cartman's house, day. Ben Affleck approaches the front door with a bouquet of flowers and knocks on the door.
Cartman: [real tired] He-yesss.
Ben: Hey, I was wondering if I could talk to Ms. Lopez.
Cartman: [hides his left hand] She's not here right now.
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: [muffled] Ben? Is that my darling Ben?
Ben: Jenny? Yes, Jenny, eheh, it's me! Where are you? Please, I-I have to see her! [Cartman sighs deeply, then shows his hand to Ben]
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: Ben!!! Oh, you brought me roses!
Ben: Jenny, ah Jenny I just can't stop thinking about you. [lowers the bouquet to Cartman, who takes it away angrily]
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: I can't stop thinking about you either, Ben!
Ben: I've been meaning to write a song or a poem, but I have no talent.
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: I know, my darleeeng. That's okay.
Ben: Will you just take a ride with me in my awesome car?
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: Oh Ben, I would LOVE to!
Cartman: NO!
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: 'Scuse me one second, Ben. [whips towards Cartman] Don't you ruin this opportunity for me! How can you stand in the way of this?!
Cartman: I'm not going out in his car.
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: I'm not gonna let you blow this one chance I have.
Cartman: I don't care. I'm supposed to sit here and do my homework. [Ben stars picking his nose]
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: Don't you dare [becomes unintelligible]
Cartman: I don't care, 'cause I'm the one that's gonna get in trouble if you don't-! Okay, okay, wait, okay um, fine fine fine!
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: Okay, Ben, let's go!
Scene Description: A mountain road. Ben and Cartman drive along at a fast clip.
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: Oh Ben, I am soo happy! The cool breeze blowing through my hair in your sexy automobile.
Ben: Let's spend the whole day together!
Scene Description: A soft song plays. The next scene is a dawn on a beach, where "Jennifer Lopez" and Ben run side by side. Cartman looks tired. Next is a restaurant where Ben has some wine while "Jennifer Lopez" enjoys a martini. Next scene, they're watching a movie together. "Jennifer Lopez" has her own seat between Ben and Cartman. Bem stretches and puts his hand on the headrest behind "Jennifer Lopez". Cartman looks, then looks away angrily. Next scene is at a jewelry store, where Ben picks out some earrings for "Jennifer Lopez". "Jennifer Lopez" opens her mouth in delight and Ben smiles. Next scene, Ben is resting on Cartman's lap and chatting with "Jennifer Lopez". Again, Cartman looks away in disgust. Last scene is undercover photos taken of Ben and "Jennifer Lopez", which end up on The National Inquisition.
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: Oh Ben, you are so perfect, so spectacularrr in every way You bring light into my life, Ben. You almost make me forget all about... Tacos! Oh, tacos, so good in my tummy yummy yummy give me more. I love you, Ben. You almost make me forget about... Tacos...
Ben: Jenny, I have to tell you something. I... I think I love you.
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: Hoohh, I love you too, Ben! [Cartman looks away in disgust] But...
Ben: But what?
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: But what if you still have feelings for the slut with the large ass?
Ben: [pulls off to the side, with South Park in view.] I still care for her. Maybe I always will. But... You just have so much more going on. Up here. [strokes the top of Cartman's hand]
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: Oh Ben. Beennn.
Ben: Jenny, can I kiss you?
Cartman: [reacts] NO!
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: Yes! Oh yes, Ben, kiss me! [Cartman looks in wonder as his hand gets a mind of its own]
Cartman: Aw, God dammit! [looks away in disgust once more. Ben begins to give French kisses to "Jennifer Lopez" and the hand responds] Aww- awww, dude!
Ben: Mmm, just like tacos.
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: Taco-flavored kisses for my Ben.
Ben: You're so hot, baby.
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: I make you hot, Ben?
Ben: Mm, yeah. [grabs the hand and kisses it for a while, then lets go. The hand drops down into Ben's pants] Oh, Jenny. [the zipper goes down on his pants] Oh Jenny! ["Jennifer Lopez" bobs up and down]
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: [pops up to say] Ben... [drops down again]
Ben: Oh God, Jenny!
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: Oh, Ben, I adore you! [Cartman looks at Ben's actions, then at what his hand is doing...]
Cartman: OHH, SICK!! AWW THAT'S IT! [opens his door, hops out, and walks away] WE'RE LEAVING NOW!!
Ben: But I love her!
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: Ben!
Ben: Jenny! Jenny, I'll call you!
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: I love you, Ben!
Scene Description: Music Lab Recording Studio, night. "Jennifer Lopez" is recording new tracks. Cartman is practically sleeping on the job as his hand belts out new tunes.
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: Ooo baby baby, can I have your tacos? Two tacos chulo, too. I'm just Jenny from the hood. Ooo, can I have your tacos? Oh- stop. Stop, stop. STOP!
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: [the band stops playing] What the hell is wrong with you?! You cholos can't even keep a beat! I deserve better than thees! I an Hennifer Lopez! Where is my water?! [a page brings "her" a bottle of water. "Jennifer Lopez" knocks it onto the floor] Not Evian, Pellegrino, you stupid beetch!
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: Ooo baby baby, can I have your tacos?
Aide 2: Uh, that's fine Ms. Lopez. Look, it's been a long night. Why don't we pick it up in the morning?
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: Fine my ass, cholo! [Cartman wakes up and looks at his hand] I'll tell you when it's fine!
Scene Description: Music Lab Recording Studio, night, back entrance. Cartamn exits and goes down three steps.
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: Stupid idiots! How am I supposed to make an album with those cholos?! [a bat hits a car nearby]
Jennifer Lopez: [stands next to the car she just bashed] You little snot-nose! [Cartman is taken aback] You ruin my career and now you're trying to steal my man?! [holds up the tabloid shown earlier]
Cartman: Aww crap.
Jennifer Lopez: You'd better stay away from him! [begins whacking away at Cartman's hand]
Cartman: OW! OW! OH JESUS! OW!
Scene Description: Hell's Pass Hospital, next day. Dr. Doctor is showing Liane, Cartman's mother, an X-ray of her son's hand.
Dr. Doctor: Your son's hand has a hairline fracture and two dislocated fingers.
Liane: Oh dear.
Dr. Doctor: But I'm more concerned about his state of mind. Your son appears to be completely insane.
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: [on its own hospital bed, with wires attached] Ahhh Ahhhh [Cartman sits in a chair displeased]
Cartman: I told you this would happen. [Kyle, Stan and Kenny show up.]
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: Oh, hello guys.
Kyle: Cartman, you need to stop this stupid little game you're playing!
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: Oh, Kyle, why you no like meee?
Cartman: Kyle is right, Ms. Lopez. From now on, we're staying away from Ben Affleck.
Kyle: I hate you. [turns right and walks out]
Liane: Come on, sweetie. Doctor says you need to get home and get lots of rest.
Scene Description: Cartman's house, morning. A cock crows. Cartman, asleep, stretches and wakes up, then glances to his left.
Cartman: EHAGH! [next to him is Ben Affleck, naked and relaxed] Moooooommmm! [Ben wakes up]
Liane: [enters with a cup of coffee and wearing a pink robe] What is it, sweetie?
Cartman: Ben Affleck is naked in my bed!
Liane: Oooo, looks like the tooth fairy was extra-happy with you.[backs out of the room and closes the door.]
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: Buenos dias, my love.
Ben: Good morning, baby.
Cartman: You have to get out of here! Jennifer Lopez is gonna kick my ass again!
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: He's not going anywhere! Ben and I were up all night making love.
Cartman: What? Oh- AWWW! [wipes his hand off on his pajamas] Ben Affleck's spooge!!
Ben: Should we tell him the news?
Cartman: What news?
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: I think we should tell him.
Ben: It's S'aright?
Cartman: S'aright.
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: S'aright.
Ben: We're getting married!!
Cartman: Oh, balls!
Scene Description: Kyle's house, day. He, Stan and Kenny watch TV on the couch. The doorbell rings.
Kyle: Come in. [the bell rings again.] COME IN!! [Cartman enters wearing an oven mitt over his left hand.]
Cartman: [sad] Guys, I need to talk to you.
Stan: What's the matter?
Cartman: I can't handle it anymore. All the fame and the Ben Affleck spooge, I... I just can't go on living with Ms. Lopez.
Kyle: So stop doing it!
Cartman: Stop doing what?
Kyle: You know God-damn well what! Now get outta here!
Cartman: Please, you guys. It's like, I can't even have a moment to myself anymore. See? [removes the oven mitt and "Jennifer Lopez" emerges coughing]
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: Don't you dare ever do that to me again!
Kyle: Aw, stop it, Cartman! Your hand doesn't need to breathe!
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: You try being in an oven mitt for two hours!
Kyle: I can see your lips moving!
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: I can see your lips moving too, culo!
Kyle: See?! I just saw your lips move!
Cartman: Look! I'm just asking you guys for help. Will you please help me with Ms. Lopez.
Stan: What's she doing?
Kyle: Come here! [drags Stan off to the dining room] You're not actually buying this crap, are you?!
Stan: I don't know, meh, maybe he can't help it.
Kyle: Look, he knows full well what he's doing, and he's just waiting for us to buy into it, and then he'll laugh and point at our faces and say, [Kyle does a pretty solid impression of Cartman] "Haha, I got you guys to believe me!" "You guys are stupid!"
Stan: Dude, do you really he would go through all this just to make us look dumb?
Kyle: YES, dude! [they then walk back into the living room]
Stan: Cartman, we decided that if you can be mature and admit to everyone that you've gotten yourself into this mess, then we'll help you.
Cartman: Okay, okay, I know that I control everything Ms. Lopez does.
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: Oh no you don't!
Cartman: Quiet, Ms. Lopez.
Kyle: Out! [walks off. Stan and Kenny follow him out]
Cartman: Guys... Uh... Uh... [dejected, he turns away and walks out the front door]
Scene Description: Outside, day. Cartman reaches the sidewalk when he sees something.
Ben: There you are, Jenny! I've been lookin' all over for you, baby! [Cartman decides to run in the other direction] Jenny? [Cartman sees a car pull up in front of him and then...]
Aide 1: Ms. Lopez, you were due in the studio two hours ago! Come on! [Cartman decides to ran back towards Ben, but runs into a pair of female legs]
Jennifer Lopez: [disheveled, wielding a running chainsaw over her head] So you're gettin' married, huh? [revs up the motor, and Cartman makes his escape, screaming. In the background, Stan, Kyle, and Kenny have stepped out the door to see what's going on.]
Ben: Don't you hurt her!
BHI President: We'll sue you!
Kyle: Oh Jesus.
Scene Description: A bridge over a wide river, day. Jennifer Lopez has followed Cartman here. Cartman screams. A police car pulls up from the other end of the bridge. The driver steps out, and both officers draw their guns at Jennifer Lopez, now unrecognizable.
Police Officer 1: Freeze, leafblower! [she drops the chainsaw and holds her hands up]
Aide 1: Arrest that woman! She wants to kill one of our artists! [the arrest is made]
Police Officer 2: All right, you're going downtown, bean-breath.
Ben: [rushes up to "Jennifer Lopez"] Jenny! Oh, I thought I was going to lose you! Let's run away and get married tonight!
Aide 2: Hey, she can't get married tonight, she has a recording session! [Stan, Kyle, and Kenny arrive]
Ben: Our love is like rain!
Jennifer Lopez: That's what you said about me, asshole!
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: Quiet!
BHI President: Get her out of here!
Jennifer Lopez: Fuck you!
Police Officer 2: Shut up, picante pants!
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: Everyone be quiet! [Everyone stops what they're doing and look at the hand] I'm... I'm not who you think I am.
BHI President: You're not?
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: No. It was all a lie. A lie I cannot continue anymore. I am not Hennifer Lopez. I am... [Cartman rips off the small wig he had on his hand and delivers a new voice] ...Mitch Conner. [everyone, including Kyle, gasps]
Police Officer 2: Who's Mitch Conner?
Mitch Conner: Just your run of the mill con man. I've been moving from town to town, scamming people since I was fifteen. But I'm tired of runnin'.
Kyle: [exasperated] Oh no, no, no.
Mitch Conner: I've been a cheat all my life. And now I've ruined a singer's career, lost a record company millions, and cost this little boy his precious time.
Kyle: Stop. It.
Mitch Conner: Mostly, I'm sorry to you, Ben. I'm sorry I played Tiddly Winks with your heart. [Ben begins to sob. Cartman walks to one side of the bridge] But it's over now. The cyanide pill I took should be taking effect very soon. Hmph, looks like the sun is goin' down. I wonder, will I dream? [as the sun drops below the horizon, Cartman opens his hand and a gust of wind is heard. Whatever was possessing the hand parted. Ben sobs once more as Cartman just stares in wonder]
Police Officer 2: Well, looks like Mitch Conner has cashed in his last chips. [everyone disperses except the boys. Ben stays on for a second, but he too leaves.]
Kyle: [the boys step forward] Dude, who the hell is Mitch Conner?
Cartman: I don't know, Kyle, all right? Look, I don't care what you guys believe. But with all the crazy stuff that goes on in this town, isn't it possible, just possible, that something I don't understand happened here?
Kyle: [resigns] All right. [Cartman beams] All right, I guess it's possible.
Cartman: [dances back to the other three boys] Hahahahahaaaha! [into Kyle's face] I got you kinda! I got you kinda!
Scene Description: A fast-food Mexican Restaurant, La Taco. People are enjoying their food, one person is waiting for his order, and there are employees behind the counter. One of them looks familiar.
Manager: Okay, Ms. Lopez, over here we have the toppings station. This is where all your cheeses and lettuce will go on. [a man carrying a large bowl walks up behind Lopez and bumps into her]
Jennifer Lopez: [jumping to one side] Ow. Look out, muffinhead!
Manager: Ahh, look, Ms. Lopez, uh, if you're gonna be a member of the La Taco family, you're gonna have to learn to get along with people.
Jennifer Lopez: Get a what with who?
Manager: Uh why don't you start chopping those onions and I'll come check on you a little later?
Jennifer Lopez: [begins chopping the onions] This is bullshit! How the fuck did I end up working at a La Taco?! I had six platinum records and I starred in five Hollywood movies!
Coworker: Yeah. Meee too.
Cartman as Jennifer Lopez: [as credits roll] Oh Ben, you are so perfect, so spectacularrr in every way You bring light into my life, Ben. You almost make me forget all about... Tacos! Oh, tacos, so good in my tummy yummy yummy give me more. I love you, Ben. You almost make me forget about... Tacos...


Scene Description: South Park neighborhood, day. The boys walk up to Butters' house. Stan knocks on the door. The door opens and Butters' father looks out.
Chris: Yes? [looks down] Oh, hello, boys.
Cartman: Hello, sir. South Park Junior Detectives. We're wondering if you have any crimes to be solved, for a dollar.
Chris: Oooo, little crime stoppers, huh? Well, I'm afraid I don't have any crimes I need solved right now.
Kyle: Awww, shit!
Stan: All right, sir, well, please call us if you need anything. [offers up a business card]
Chris: I'll do that. Have fun, boys. [steps back and closes the door. The boys turn and walk away]
Cartman: Stupid assholes! [turns and follows] How come nobody has a crime to solve?
Kyle: Yeah, maybe starting a detective club isn't such a great idea.
Stan: It's a great idea, we just have to keep working at it. [moments later they reach a pink house and Stan knocks again. The door opens and an elderly woman looks out]
Mrs. Farnickle: Oh, hello there boys.
Stan: Hello, ma'am, we're detectives with the South Park Crime Unit. Do you have any crimes you need solved, for a dollar?
Mrs. Farnickle: Ohh, neighborhood detectives, huh? Well let me thi-oh yes! There is something!
Kyle: Really?
Mrs. Farnickle: Yes. Two days ago I put a fresh baked cherry pie out on my window sill to cool. [Stan and Kyle look over at the window] And later, when I went to get it, it was gone.
Cartman: My God...
Stan: Have you reported this to any other authorities?
Mrs. Farnickle: Noo, but I think it's a perfect case for you kids.
Kyle: Cool! We'll see what we can find, ma'am.
Stan: We're on the case.
Scene Description: Mrs. Farnickle's house, backyard.
Cartman: What have you got, Marsh?
Stan: Detective McCormick found something interesting. [a shot of Kenny, who just raises his arm and point to his right. The camera pans to Duke, the house pet, licking off the last of the pie]
Cartman: [puts a hand on Kyle, looks away and closes his eyes] Jesus, we're too late.
Kyle: I think we can piece this case together now.
Scene Description: Mrs. Farnickle's house, living room. She and her husband sit back in arm chairs looking at news. The door opens and the boys rush in with the pie tin.
Mrs. Farnickle: My pie tin! Oooh, but what happened to the pie?
Kyle: Well, we've all talked it through and we've come up with a theory.
Mr. Farnickle: Well, what do you think happened, little detectives?
Stan: You said you set the pie in the window sill, where it must have sat for some time. [the scenario shows Mrs. Farnickle setting the pie on the sill, closing the windows and walking away] But its sweet smell attracted the attention of somebody. [Mr. Farnickle shows up at the kitchen window, looking at the pie from inside the kitchen]
Kyle: Your husband. [he looks closer at it, putting his hands on the window] He wanted that pie badly, but he knew that he was not allowed to eat it yet.
Cartman: Slowly the rage built inside his mind. [Mr. Farnickle is shown in bed, getting angry. Dramatic lighting enhances the mood] "Why won't she let me eat that pie? Why does she always stop me from doing what I wanna do?!" His only solution became obvious: Kill her!
Stan: His plan was to use a hammer.
Cartman: Bash, bash, BASH your skull in, causing instant death. [the scenario shows Mr. Farnickle walking up behind his wife as she dusts the TV and whacking her three times, killing her and fracturing her skull]
Stan: Then to make it impossible for police to identify the body, he'd use a shovel to remove your head. [the man plunges the shovel through the woman's neck and cleaves the head from the body. Blood pours out and stains the carpet]
Kyle: Then saw off the arms and legs. [shown in all its graphic glory]
Cartman: The torso he would dump into the lake. [Mr. Farnickle tosses his wife's torso over the side of his boat, then watches as the torso heads for the lake bottom]
Stan: The arms and legs he would dissolve with acid and lye in the bathtub. [the man is shown tossing the second leg into the tub, then stirring the solution so that the leg would sink in and disappear]
Cartman: And then, finally, he'd be able to eat that pie.
Kyle: But before he could go through with his entire plan, he discovered that the pie had already been eaten... [a new scenario: the man now has the hammer, but the pie is gone when he checks up on it] ...by your dog. [a shot of Duke eating the pie in his doghouse]
Cartman: Looks like the game is over, old man! [the surprised couple looks at them]
Mrs. Farnickle: Oh my God, what kind of television have you kids been watching??
Stan: Just the news.
Mrs. Farnickle: All right, all right, you you boys run along now.
Stan: [stays behind] Hey, you owe us a dollar, lady.
Mrs. Farnickle: Fine, here, just go! [gives him the dollar, and he joins the others outside]
Stan: Wow, look, you guys! Our first dollar! [shows off a crisp new one-dollar bill]
Kyle: We're in business!
Scene Description: A basement, some time later. The dollar bill is newly framed and hung on a wall in ... Cartman's basement, which is now the South Park Detectives headquarters. Pictures of suspects are on the wall below the framed dollar, a chalkboard has some instructions listed, and some suspects already interviewed are listed on the wall beneath the stairs. Kyle puts a file away in a filing cabinet as the other boys do other tasks.
Cartman: Kenny, you got the f-a-g on that perp in Washington.
Liane: Boys, you have a little visitor. [a little girl descends the stairs past Liane]
Girl: Is this the South Park Crime Unit?
The boys: Ah! Oh. [they jump up and leave their tasks to meet their first client]
Stan: Yes it is!
Girl: I lost my dolly.
Cartman: [waving his mom off] Thank you, Ms. Secretary, that will be all. [Liane goes upstairs. Cartman looks up] And get us some more cookies and coffee! We're not paying you to sit on your ass!
Kyle: Do you know where your doll is?
Girl: If I knew where it was, it wouldn't be lost.
Stan: All right, Sarah, come over here. [everyone moves over to Kenny's desk. Sarah hops up on the witness chair] Now, I want you to describe what the doll looks like to our sketch artist, Kenny.
Sarah: [Kenny begins to draw as she talks] She has curly blonde hair. And a wed dress. And a turned-up nose. And a blue bow in her hair.
Stan: You got it, Ken? [Kenny finishes and nods]
Kyle: All right, let's see. [Kenny turns the paper around and shows off a crudely-drawn woman with huge, olive-shaped boobs] Dammit Kenny, that's not what she said!
Stan: Put that away, dude! [Kenny walks up to a small bulletin board of KeNnY'S mOST WANtED women, all of which have large boobs]
Cartman: Don't worry, ma'am. We'll find your doll.
Scene Description: Sarah's house, day. The boys swarm into the girl's bedroom and check out all the possibilities.
Cartman: No sign of forced entry.
Kyle: [at the window] But the window isn't locked.
Stan: [turns to address Cartman] Right, so it's possible that the thief sat out in that tree. [the scenario begins. A view into the bedroom from the tree at night] He would have watched Sarah with her doll, possibly while cutting the palms of his hands with a large knife. [a hand appears, then the opposite hand with a knife. The knife cuts the first hand as Sarah drops her doll on the bedroom floor] The pain gave him sick pleasure.
Kyle: Disposing of the doll wouldn't be easy. He would have had to have brought a shovel to decapitate it.
Cartman: We're going to need semen samples from everything in this room.
Scene Description: As they pause, another group of boys swarm in and start their own investigation.
A Boy: All right, let's do this by the books! McDonnell, [one boy steps forward] give me smears of all the places the doll used to be! [goes off to get samples] Mitchell, [another boy steps forward] run a tap on the phone! [goes off to tap the phone]
Stan: [approaches the boy] Hey, kid, what are you doing?
The Boy: Agent Tucker, FBI! And you?
Stan: Detective Marsh. I'm in charge of this investigation!
Tucker: ...Not anymore, you're not!
Cartman: Hey, this is our case! You can't come in and take over!
Tucker: Can't we? You guys are playing Detectives. We're playing FBI. That gives us jurisdiction over you!
Stan: Aw crap!
Tucker: I want choppers on the roof ready to go! [one of his friends goes to the window, the other two head out of the room]
Kyle: Dude, we've been working this case since two-thirty!
Tucker: Good. Then you can help us by telling me everything you know.
Scene Description: Sarah's house, afternoon, outside. The boys have been kicked out by the FBI boys and head for the sidewalk.
Stan: Son of a bitch stupid FBI!
Cartman: Well, I guess we can go back to playing laundromat.
Stan: No! We're not gonna stop playing detectives! We've just gotta find that little girl's doll before those FBI guys do.
Kenny: (Yeah!)
Kyle: Yeah, but how?
Stan: We're gonna have to just start bringing in people for questioning.
Cartman: Right. I think I know exactly where to start.
Scene Description: Cartman's basement, later. The boys have called Butters in and he's confused, being under the spotlight.
Cartman: [thinks hard of how to start the interrogation] Where were you this morning at nine o'clock, Butters?!
Butters: Ah, I was at home.
Cartman: Your story is full of holes and I'm gonna beat your ass if you don't start tellin' the truth! [behind him, Stan and Kyle watch from a makeshift booth]
Kenny: [patting Butters' shoulder] (Awww, don't be so mean. Butters is our friend, huh?) [Butters smiles]
Stan: [behind the booth] They've gotten really good at this good-cop bad-cop thing.
Cartman: You're going down, Butters! You hear me?!
Kenny: (Aw, now don't say that. Poor little kid.)
Cartman: You're a worthless two-dollar criminal and you're lying!
Kenny: (Aww, it's okay, little fella.)
Butters: Well I don't have nothin' to confess. Honestly.
Cartman: Fine! Then you won't mind giving us a semen sample. [holds out a cup for Butters to take]
Butters: How do I do that?
Cartman: You just make the semen come out of your body and put it in this cup!
Butters: Well how do I make semen... come out of my body?
Cartman: Stop playing games!
Butters: I'm not playing. I really don't know!
Cartman: That does it! Wait right here! [goes behind the booth and laughs] Guys, did you hear that? Butters doesn't know how you make semen come out of your body.
Kyle: How... do you make semen come out?
Cartman: I don't know. I was hoping you guys did.
Stan: It's that thing we learned about in school where you pull on your wiener until white stuff comes out.
Cartman: Really?
Kyle: Ohh, right, you're supposed to pull and master-benate your wiener really fast.
Cartman: Oh okay. [returns to the table] Okay, retard, you really don't know how to make semen come out?!
Butters: No!
Cartman: Follow me to the bathroom. [goes upstairs]
Kenny: [soothing] (Aw, it's okay, kid. It's not going to hurt.) [Butters hops off the chair and follows Cartman upstairs]
Scene Description: The Cartman hallway. Cartman takes Butters to the restroom.
Cartman: Now, go sit on the toilet and pull and tug on your wiener until white stuff comes out, and then put it in this cup.
Butters: My wiener??
Cartman: Yes, retard. Semen comes from your wiener. Now do it! [Butters grabs the door handle and shuts the door. Cartman waits for a few second before doing anything] Well, Butters?!
Butters: Ah I'm pullin' on my wiener, but nothin's happening.
Cartman: Well pull harder!
Butters: ...ow... Ow... It's not workin'.
Cartman: Try doin' it faster.
Butters: [increasing the speed] Ow. Ow. Ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow. Naw, nothin'.
Cartman: Butters, do you wanna go to jail for the rest of your life?!
Butters: NOOooo!
Cartman: The you'd better get that semen sample no matter how long it takes!
Butters: Okay!!
Stan: [rushing up with Kyle and Kenny] Cartman! Cartman! We just got a tip that a doll was found near Fosse's house!
Cartman: Let's go! [They leave. Butters remains in the bathroom]
Butters: ...ow... Ow!
Scene Description: Fosse's house, a nice rambling house. Cartman approaches the front door as Stan, Kyle, and Kenny stand off to one side. He turns and places his back against the wall, then sneaks up to a window. He looks in just a bit. Inside, Fosse plays with a doll... red dress, turned-up nose, blonde curly hair with two blue bows attached... just as Sarah had described. The two boys giggle as they play.
Fosse: Huhuh, Okay Ms., Ms. Jones, heh, me and Doctor... Flick here just need to... check your vagina. [pulls up the front of the doll's dress and giggles with Bill]
Bill: That's gay. [giggles with Fosse]
Fosse: Yeah, that's gay. [Cartman looks in intently. He then turns his back against the wall and backs away with his water pistol drawn]
Cartman: [in hushed tones] Kyle!
Scene Description: Kyle looks on as Cartman starts signing to him. Cartman holds up his index finger and shows the fleshy side to Kyle, then points two fingers to his own eyeballs, then turns the fingers out and shows them, then motions inside with his thumb, then makes a grabbing gesture, then something like a fist, then a thumbs-up, then a fist turned out, then points to Kyle, then points again, then taps the side of his own head, then makes a J sign on his head, then rests.
Kyle: What? [Cartman repeats the gestures again] What??
Cartman: [repeats the gestures] I see two guys inside. They have Sarah Peterson's doll, you stupid Jew!
Kyle: [gasps, then with determination, in hushed tones] They've got the doll! [he, Stan, and Kenny move in and the four boys take positions around the door. Kyle stands at the door, Cartman and Kenny on either side, Stan at Kyle's back]
Stan: [in hushed tones] Okay, okay. Ready? Break the door down! [Kenny turns and rings the bell. Inside, Bill and Fosse stop their play and go to the door]
Fosse: Huh huh who is it?!
Stan: South Park Junior Detectives! We know you have Sarah Peterson's doll!
Fosse: [giggles] They're playing Detective. [they giggle]
Bill: That's gay. [they giggle]
Fosse: [calls out] You're gay! [outside, the boys lower their guns.]
Kyle: What do we do now?
Stan: I don't know.
Cartman: Well if they're not gonna give us back the doll, then we have no choice. Let's go tell on them. [hops down from the porch and walks away]
Stan: Dude, we just can't tell on them.
Cartman: Why not?
Kyle: Because, dude, we're playing detectives! Detectives don't just go tell on people.
Fosse: [from inside] Detectives! [Cartman returns, and the camera angle switches to the living room. Bill and Fosse have made the doll a hostage, having tied her up on a chair. Fosse continues, giggling] If you don't get out of here, we're gonna rip the doll's head off!
Bill: Yeah.
Fosse: We were playing gynecologists and now we're playing criminals.
Bill: That's gay.
Fosse: We're gay.
Stan: Jesus! They're gonna kill her!
Kyle: We've got to do something.
Cartman: Time! Time is what we need, but time is something we ain't got!
Tucker: [offscreen] Attention! You in the house! [the other kids are shown, with their own little car] This is Agent Tucker with the FBI! We have you surrounded. Sort of.
Stan: [he and the others approach the FBI kids] Hey, you butt-holes can't play FBI here!
Cartman: Yeah! This was our hot lead!
Tucker: And you did a great job leading us here. Now you just stay out of our way! [into the megaphone] The gig is up, Fosse! Bring out the doll! Or we'll tell on you!
Stan: We're gonna charge the front door and go get it.
Tucker: No you're not.
Cartman: Dammit man, this is not the time for negotiations! There's a little doll in there about to have her head twisted off!
Tucker: Climb off, kid! We say you can't charge the front door, and you have to obey what the FBI says! That's the rules!
Stan: Just because your parents can afford better toys than ours doesn't make you better than us!
Tucker: Yes it does so! [a long pause]
Kyle: ...Grrrr!!! [the boys turn and walk away]
Kenny: (What do we do now?)
Stan: We go get the doll ourselves.
Kyle: But they said we can't charge the front door.
Stan: That's right. [cocks his left hand] But they didn't say anything about going in the back.
Tucker: Come on guys. You don't wanna hurt that doll.
Bill: Huhuh. [notices the SP boys coming in] Oh crap, they're coming in the back! [the shootout begins. The boys fan out and make firing noises as they aim at Bill and Fosse. Bill and Fosse return fire with their own noises] That's gay. [he and Fosse hide behind an armchair]
Stan: [pops up from the couch and fires away, using the back of the couch as a shield] Bang bang bang! I got you, Fosse!
Fosse: No you didn't!
Stan: Did so!
Fosse: No, 'cause I got... special wizard armor on.
Kyle: We're not playing Dungeons and Dragons, ass-face!
Cartman: All right, that does it! Cover me! I'm going slo-mo! [moves out from behind the couch, shooting slowly but walking normally] Wwwaaahhh!
Fosse: [makes sweeping gestures with his hands] Oooh, they got me! [falls a bit further with each] Whooaaa, whooaaa, whooaaa. [now fully stretched on the floor, closes his eyes as if dead]
Bill: [follows suit] rr uh rr uh, uhhhh. [makes like he's dead]
Fosse: [opens his eyes and giggles] We're dead.
Bill: [opens his eyes and giggles] That's gay.
Stan: [getting the doll after he, Kyle and Kenny approach the chair] We got it.
Scene Description: Sarah's house, later. Stan and the boys walk up to the house again. Stan knocks on the door, and Sarah's mother answers.
Stan: Ms. Peterson, is your daughter home?
Sarah: [appears at the doorway and lights up as she runs for her doll] My dolly! [gets it and holds it tight]
Cartman: We got her back safe. Lost a lot of good men in the process.
Sarah's Mom: Well you boys are little heroes. I'm going to call the police department and let them know what brave little detectives you are! [the boys smile proudly]
Scene Description: Park County Police Station, day. This building is much bigger than the building Barbrady upholds the law from in South Park.
Dawson: Hello there little crime stoppers, I'm Lieutenant Dawson with the Park County Police. I heard you did a great job finding Sarah Peterson's doll.
Stan: We do what we can, sir.
Dawson: Well, that's fantastic, kids. And for all your terrific sleuth-solving, I'm hereby making you all Junior Detectives. [hands out badges]
Kyle: [Kyle opens his] Wow! [the others have similar reactions]
Dawson: That means you boys are now an official part of the department.
Cartman: Kewl!
Dawson: All right, so ready for your first assignment?
Stan: Sure.
Dawson: Okay. There's a meth lab down at 567 Mala Vista. The operators are probably armed to the hilt with illegal weapons. I want you to get down there and see what you can find!
Kyle: Ah... a a a meth lab?
Dawson: [sits at his desk] I don't want any problems. Just take 'em down by the books. Now get over there; the mayor's all over my ass on this one! [the boys turn to leave] On, and deputies: you screw this up and I'll have you working graveyard shift behind a desk! Move it! [the boys run off]
Scene Description: Nighttime in the boondocks. The boys walk along a barren stretch of road.
Kyle: What is a meth lab, anyway?
Stan: I don't know. Let's just hurry up. I wanna get home in time to watch Crime Drama. [they turn and walk towards a large building in the distance]
Scene Description: The meth lab. Three men sit around a table as a fourth man works behind them. The junior detectives approach the front door. Stan knocks. The men inside quickly arm themselves.
Stan: Uh police. Open up. ...Oh crap, did you guys do your math homework?
Kyle: Nah. Dude, I totally spaced it. [windows begin breaking as shots are fired at the boys]
Man 1: You die, pigs! [gunfire continues breaking windows] You want to die, huh? [loses control of the gun, which causes a bullet to ricochet and hit some flammable liquids. A fire erupts and begins to spread, torching one of the man's friends. The burning friend breaks through the front door and runs out. The first man and another man hop into a truck and break through the garage door. The passenger pulls out his gun]
Man 3: You won't take us alive! [their truck hits a ramp and goes into the air, twisting to the left and ending up in the middle of a road. Another truck arrives and its driver honks his horn. The oncoming truck strikes the disabled truck and pushes it along. At a nearby intersection, a car strikes the disabled truck and that truck blows up. Three burning people get out of the truck and run around. The fourth man in the meth lab flies a plane]
Man 4: So long, coppers! [his fuel level hits empty] Oh, shit! [the plane goes straight down and hits the post office and another building. More burning people run around, and the boys can barely believe what they're seeing]
Stan: Damn.
Scene Description: Park County Police Dept., Dawson's office, later that night. He reads the police report and paces behind his desk.
Dawson: One UPS vehicle valued at twenty-five thousand dollars, one civilian vehicle worth sixteen thousand, the second floor of the post office AND a coffee shop valued at sixty thousand! The mayor's gonna have my ass!
Stan: Uh, sir, we just kinda got blind-sided by the-
Dawson: You got careless! Now, I don't know how they do things down at that dog-and-pony show they call the Fourth Grade, but here we have rules! Jesus, we don't even have guys to question now, because you killed them all!
Kyle: We're sorry.
Dawson: One more slip-up like that and I'll have your badges! You hear me?! Now hit the showers!
Scene Description: Park County Police Dept., locker room. Three men are changing clothes, so they're all in their briefs. The boys enter.
Officer 1: Well well well, if it isn't the super-cops. [the officers begin to giggle]
Officer 2: Hey Murphy, think they'll let me borrow their G.I. Joes?
Officer 4: Come on, you guys. Leave them alone.
Murphy: [Officer 1] Relax, Hopkins! [removes his briefs and drops them to the ground] All fun and games, right? [moves to the end of the lockers and hides behind it, only to peek out] Soho, tell us, rookies, you ah... find yourself a little bonus in that house??
Cartman: Uh bonus?
Murphy: Come on! We all skim a little off the top. Oh. Or are you too good for that? [walks back to the other officers] You think you're gonna waltz in here and clean up the system. Is that it?
Stan: [softly] We just wanna be junior detectives.
Murphy: LOOK, we all work hard! And we deserve more than the thirty-thousand a year we get paid! So what if we take in a little on the side?
Officer 2: Yeah! Who the hell are you to change that?!
Hopkins: I said, back off Murphy!
Murphy: Why don't you and your rookie friends make us
Officer 2: That's right. Come on, bring it!
Officer 3: Yeah, let's go! Come on, bring it!
Dawson: What the hell is the problem here??
Murphy: No problem, sir. No problem at all.
Dawson: Then hit the showers, all of you!
Scene Description: The shower room, moments later. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman are taking their showers. Kyle drops his soap to fart, then picks it up again. Cartman works on his hair.
Kyle: Dude, I don't wanna play Detective anymore.
Cartman: Me neither.
Stan: It'll get better, guys.
Kyle: Better how, dude?
Stan: [puts his soap away] Look, we said we wanted to form a club to protect and serve South Park. We put all this time into it, I mean... What do you guys wanna do, huh? Go back to playing Car Mechanics? Or Laundromat Owners?
Kyle: We were happy playing Laundromat Owners.
Stan: I wasn't. We started playing Detective because we wanted our play time to mean something. Or have you forgotten why you joined the force, Kyle?
Cartman: [intervening] Hey! Broflovski's a good cop!
Stan: You guys can go back to playing Laundromat Owners if you want, but... I'm not gonna give those kids playing the FBI a chance to laugh at us. I'll see you guys at school tomorrow.
Scene Description: Cartman's house, night. His door opens, and a tired Cartman walks in.
Cartman: Awwwwrrr-auugh. [hangs up his coat and holster on the coat tree in the living room]
Liane: Eric, where have you been? It's ten thirty.
Cartman: We had to take down a meth lab on Mala Vista.
Liane: Well you should've called Mommy.
Cartman: [turns and snaps at her] Will you get off my back?! It's hard enough I gotta work the beat, and now I gotta come home to your nagging?! [realizes what he's doing, then turns away] Look look, I'm I'm sorry. It's just this case, and... the guys down at the station, I... I'm tired, alright? I'm I'm tired.
Liane: Well, why don't you get ready for snoogums' night-night, and I'll bring you some toasty chocolate nummers?
Cartman: [straightens up and smiles] Okay. [turns and walks off to bed. He passes by the bathroom. Butters is still in there]
Butters: Who-o-o-o-a. Oowwww!
Cartman: [stops] Butters?
Butters: Yes?
Cartman: Are you still trying to give a semen sample?
Butters: Well I'm tryin', but nothing's comin' out.
Cartman: Well, keep tryin', Butters.
Butters: Okay. [Cartman walks off] Ow. Ooww!
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The boys are in class, sleeping. As Butters was at home at 9 am the previous day, this day is Monday.
Mr. Garrison: And so you can see, children, that the women's movement of the late fifties and the early sixties had a profound effect on feminism in America. [turns around and quickly notices the sleeping boys] Uh, boys! [the boys stir and wake up] Would it trouble you terribly not to sleep in my class?
Kyle: Uh we weren't sleeping, Mr. Garrison.
Mr. Garrison: Oh well, then maybe you can tell me who was in charge of the feminist movement of the early sixties!
Cartman: [thinks] A bunch of fat old skanks on their periods?
Mr. Garrison: Right, but who was the fattest oldest skank on her period?! [the boys look at each other, confused and afraid] That's what I thought! Now pay attention! [turns back to the board] Okay, children, now, the biggest skank of all was was an old fat-ass by the name of-
Dawson: [bursting through the classroom door] Marsh! Broflovski! McCormick! Cartman! In my office! [leaves]
The boys: [hanging their heads] Eeagh!
Scene Description: Park County Police Department, later. The boys walk in sleepily. Dawson holds a file in his right hand.
Dawson: Looks like that meth lab you took down was the tip of the iceberg. They found a paper trail leading all the way to the biggest crime syndicate in Colorado.
Cartman: Uh oh...
Dawson: The operators apparently run their business out of a sleazy strip joint down in Inglewood. They're all cop killers, so I'm sending you in undercover. [the boys look at each other]
Kyle: Uh, sir, d'I have a lot of homework to do tonight and I was-
Dawson: What?! Now you listen to me! I'm givin' you one last chance! You're good cops, but you let your emotions get in the way! And your little "shoot first ask questions later" technique has no place in this century! Now you get down to that strip joint and you do it by the books, you got it?! The mayor is on my ass and blablablah! [the boys turn left and walk off. As they head for the entrance they walk down the hall. Around one corner are two of the officers they met in the locker room]
Murphy: So, what did you boys have to say to the lieutenant?
Stan: Nothing, he just told us a bunch of stuff.
Murphy: Maybe you decided you needed to tell him about our... bonus money.
Kyle: No. [the boys walk away]
Officer 2: They're lying.
Murphy: They're dead!
Scene Description: Inglewood, Colorado, night. A big city. The strip club shown is The Peppermint Hippo. Inside there are several dancers undulating for their patrons on individual stages. Other dancers dance on the club floor for individual patrons. The boys enter the club.
Kyle: Dude, if my mom knew I was in here, I would be in super big trouble.
Kenny: [stops and looks around, then jumps for joy] (Woohoo!!) [rushes up to catch the other boys, who now sit around a small stage]
Stripper: [bloated woman with a coarse voice, opens an embrace to Stan] Would you like a dance?
Stan: No thanks.
Stripper: [moves to Kyle] Dance? [moves on] Anyone like a dance?
DJ: Well all right, guests, put your hands together. Be sure to tip the dancers. And now, come on, let's hear it for Candy!
Bouncer: [walks up to the boys] Whoa whoa, what the hell are you kids doin' in here? This isn't an appropriate place for children.
Stripper: [walking in the foreground, on the other side of the small stage] Dance? Anyone like a dance?
Kyle: Uh, it's okay. We know the owner.
Bouncer: [crosses his arms] Oh, really? Let's go see.
Scene Description: The Peppermint Hippo back room.
Owner: All right, so we'll have to start havin' the McCormicks make our meth again and-
Bouncer: Hey Gino, these kids say they know you.
Gino: What? Ha-I don't know no kids.
Bouncer: I didn't think so. All right, you kids-
Gino: Hey wait a minute. These kids might be just what we need to get our drugs past the security at DIA. How would you like to join our family?
Tall goon: Yo Gino, I know I've seen these kids before, man. These kids are 5-0!
Gino: What?
Tall goon: These kids are cops, man! [the five men in the room assume positions and start firing away at the boys. A man at the door is shot and he falls away. The boys begin pretending to fire back and make shooting noises.]
Cartman: Bang bang bang... [the boys move behind a chair. The men continue firing. The boys move back into view]
Stan, Kyle, Cartman: Bang bang bang... [the men move to lesser-powered weapons]
Kenny: (Pakew! Pakew!)
Cartman: [looks at Kenny] Kenny, it doesn't go "Pakew! Pakew!", it goes "BANG BANG BANG!!" [outside, police cars of all types pull up to the club. Dawson quickly jumps out of his car. An explosion appears in two windows of the club, and Dawson ducks a little]
Dawson: God damnit! Those junior detectives and their heroically reckless ways! Murphy! Jenkins! Hopkins! Get in there! [The three men move in. Jenkins is Officer 2. Inside, two of the owner's men rush out of the back room, and the strippers rush out of the way. The men turn around and shoot back at the boys. The boys return fire. None of the four boys has yet been hit. The gunfight continues. The old stripper walks by again]
Stripper: Dance??? Anybody like a dance??? [walks by without being hit once. The other two men appear and shoot at the boys]
Hopkins: [enters the club] Freeze! South Park detectives! [Murphy and Jacobs quickly enter and take aim. Everyone stops and turns around to face the detectives. The DJ stands in his booth] Great job, boys. You found the meth boss!
Gino: Detective Murphy! Jenkins! Uh what the hell are you doing? We had a deal.
Hopkins: [looks at his colleagues with suspicion] A deal?
Murphy: That's right. We're partners in the drug business. Everything was fine until these "super-cops" joined the force. [the boys look stunned at the revelation: these cops are crooked]
Jenkins: Now we've gotta kill you all.
Hopkins: Boys! Down! [the boys look for cover as the two crooked cops join the five men in firing at Hopkins. The boys huddle under a table]
DJ: Huh alright guys, put your hands together, a lot of shootin' and killin' goin' on, but be sure to tip your waitress let's hear it for Rebecca.
Dawson: Christ! Those junior detectives have no regard for the law! [FBI trucks pull up and agents pour out of them]
Lead FBI agent: Get me a hard line to the phone! And I want choppers on the roof!
Dawson: [walks up] Who the hell are you??
Lead FBI agent: [whips out his badge] Agent Fields, FBI!
Dawson: Hey, I'm in charge of this investigation.
Fields: Not anymore, you're not.
Dawson: But that's not fair!
Fields: Is so! Is so! [inside, the gunfight continues. Hopkins is shot, and he quickly kills two of Gino's men. Jenkins quickly shoots at Hopkins and gets the right arm. Hopkins winces and falls down]
Jenkins: Sorry, Detective Hopkins. We can't let anybody know about our partnership.
Gino: That's right. We split it all, fifty-fifty!
Murphy: That's right. [raises his gun and shoots Gino through the forehead. Gino's body slides down along the wall behind him] I think we'll take a hundred percent now.
Jenkins: Huhuh yeah. Sorry, Gino, but in business like this, sometimes partnerships need to end.
Murphy: That's right. [raises his gun and shoots Jenkins through the side of the head, and Jenkins wavers and falls] Sometimes partnerships need to end. [now seeing the boys] Well, super-cops, looks like I'll be taking in all the money now. I'm in business alone. And that means that the only person I can't trust... is myself. [raises the gun and shoots himself through his chin, then falls alongside Hopkins]
Scene Description: Outside the Peppermint Club. The paramedics have arrived and are removing the bodies. Hopkins, up and about, reaches the boys.
Hopkins: [his arm in a sling] It looks like Murphy and Jenkins got what they deserved. If it weren't for you boys, we would have never cleaned up the department.
Dawson: [approaches the boys] All right, detectives, let's get one thing straight! I do not agree with your methods! You're uncontrolled, and you're negligent! But by God you get the job done. Congratulations!
Stan: Thanks.
Dawson: I'm probably going to regret this, but, well, I'm promoting you to full detectives. There'll be lots of action, and that big paycheck you've always wanted. [the paramedics close up the ambulance, then climb in and leave. The boys mull over the offer]
Stan: ...I think I have a better idea.
Scene Description: Cartman's basement, next day. The boys are back at playing Laundromat. The wall under the stairs has been removed to show the washer and dryer, which are now framed by a doorway saying "Employees Only." Two clothes racks are seen, and the detectives' desks are refashioned as washer/dryer combos. A "Laundromat" sign on the wall looks over the whole thing.
Kyle: Hello, sir. Welcome to the Broflovski Laundromat.
Stan: [walks up with one of his outfits] Yes, I have a suit I need dry-cleaned, and pressed, please.
Kyle: Certainly.
Cartman: [walks up with some clothes] Here you are, Mister McCormick. Your laundry is all done and folded. That will be nine ninety five. [Kenny hands him a card] On your American Express.
Butters: [coming down the stairs] Fellas! Hey fellas! I got it! Ah I got my semen sample!
Cartman: You did?
Butters: Yeah. I was up there poundin' my wiener for two days straight, aaand finally, I thought about Stan's Mom's boobs, and this little tiny spooge of... this white stuff came out.
Kyle: That's great, Butters, but we're not playing Detective anymore. We're playing laundromat owners.
Cartman: Would you like those pants cleaned for four ninety five?