Scene Description: South Park Mall, day. It's looking mighty impressive now. A large banner for Black Friday, November 29, hangs high above the main entrance. Winter is coming. A senior security guard paces back and forth while briefing the other guards about Black Friday madness.
Guard 1: The holiday season... is here, and Black Friday... is upon us. As you know, black Friday is the day shoppers go berserk for holiday deals. Last year, 26 people died, and 461 were seriously injured. [stops by a guard who lost his right arm, puts his right arm on the guard's left shoulder and closes his eyes for a moment, then moves on] This winter the mall is offering 80% off to the first thirty people in the store. [The guards shout out various responses] For you new recruits, perhaps you took this job to see just what the violence was like. [a closeup of a guard without a chin] Or perhaps you thought workin' Black Friday wouldn't be a big deal. [looks at Randy, who just smiles innocently]
Randy: I'm just trying to earn some extra holiday cash.
Guard 1: [ominously] Or maybe you're just too stupid to realize what you've gotten yourselves into.
Chief of Security: That's enough! [the other guards turn to see him, an old guard with a scar over his left eye, and his back to them] Our only chance of surviving this year's sale is by sticking together! Those of you who signed up are to be... commended. [turns around] But I warn you: do not underestimate the battle that's about to take place outside those doors! [the other guards stay silent, and he turns towards the front entrance.] Winter is coming.
Scene Description: Neighborhood, day. Cartman the Wizard walks down the sidewalk and on to Kenny's house. He knocks three times with his walking stick, and Kenny opens the door.
Cartman: Good evening, sir. I'm calling together all the fighters of Zauron. I need to speak with Lady McCormick.
Kenny: [looks around the living room] (She's not here right now.)
Cartman: Please tell her there is to be a meeting in the Great Hall. I have found a way to get XBox Ones, and the fair Lady McCormick will want to hear about it.
Scene Description: The Great Hall, day. A bunch of boys in costumes are downstairs in Cartman's basement. As the boys talk amongst themselves, Cartman calls the meeting to order with three taps from his walking stick.
Cartman: Thank you all for coming. Prince Token, Sir Timmy of Blacklake, Lady McCormick [Kenny plays with the hair on his wig and mumbles coyly]. Warriors, we have fought many great battles together. At Clyde's house. At Scott Malkinson's house. But soon we will be fighting the greatest battle of our young hot lives. Winter is coming, and the next gen gaming devices are hitting the shelves.
Clyde: Which nobody can afford.
Cartman: What if I were to tell you that if we all worked together there's a way we can get the new gaming system.
Token: If you know of a way, wizard, then speak.
Cartman: I have learned of a dark magic at work. The day after Thanksgiving, the first thirty people inside the mall get 80% off whatever they want. They are calling it... Black Friday.
Butters: Woo, spooky.
Craig: Black Friday? Come on, that can't be real.
Cartman: It is real, Craig! I saw it on the news, butthole!
Stan: [stands on his chair] It is real. They do it every year. But everyone in town tries to be the first inside the mall on Black Friday. What chance do we have?
Cartman: On our own, none. But if we plan, strategize, and fight together! [pounds the table with his left fist] ...We can be the first people inside on Black Friday. And use the 80% to get the gaming system we need to survive.
Scene Description: A news show, with a female anchor and a male anchor.
Male anchor: Well it's almost Thanksgiving, and we all know what that means.
Female anchor: That's right. Black Friday is right around the corner.
Male anchor: Ouch.
Female anchor: And people are already gearing up. [cut to shoppers]
Shopper 1: [obese man with only one tooth] We usually start linin' up around 3 am. We uh douse ourselves in pig blood, because it does help us slip through the crowd when the doors open.
Shopper 2: [with his family] We do it every year, part of the family tradition. Last year we lost our youngest daughter. Her head was stepped on and crushed, but, in her memory, we're going to find a young girl and step on her head this year.
Shopper 3: [an angry obese woman with two fat kids behind her] If anyone thinks they're gonna beat me inside that mall, and keep me from gettin' [points to her younger kid] my kids Christmas presents, they can kiss my fat vagina, 'cause I'm bringin' the motherfuckin' pain! [bares her teeth]
Reporter: Tom, the South Park Mall says they've beefed up security in an effort to reduce the number of fatalities this year. One thing's for sure, people take Black Friday very seriously.
Scene Description: Cartman's house, night. The segment begins with a grinder honing a wooden sword. Panning out, Scott Malkinson is shown operating the grinder for Jimmy, who's waiting on his sword. Scott finishes and hands the sword to Jimmy, who begins to wield it. Other boys, including Stan and Kyle, are paired off and shown sparring with their swords. Tweek and Token try their hands at archery, trying to strike dummies with arrows.
Cartman: [walking around, surveying his knights] Yes. Yes, very nice. Good.
Butters: [runs up with a sheet of paper and hands it to Cartman] Wizard Cartman! I have news from the Internet, my lord! [salutes with his left hand]
Cartman: [flatly, but sternly] They don't salute in Game of Thrones, Butters.
Butters: [lowers his hand] Uh, sorry, I haven't watched it yet.
Cartman: Okay, we need to start immediately, please. [clears his throat and reads] Ah, very good. The House of Greyhawk has agreed to join our fight!
Stan: The House of Greyhawk?
Kyle: Larry and Brad Stoltsky
Cartman: But my friends, we must still find others who will fight by our side! Are there no other factions we can call to our aid?
Clyde: [raises his left hand] Hey yeah, I know. [lowers it] How about we ask those kids who play Star Trek?
Cartman: Uhh noo! Screw those guys. They're dorks, and I'm not playing with them.
Scene Description: South Park Mall, day. Under cloudy skies, a lone guard sits near the entrance, drinking from a metal flask.
Randy: [walks up] Hey, [notices the flask] that's what I'm talkin' about. You got any extra of that? [the guard shares his flask] Oh, thanks! [sits down near the guard] Gets a little boring around here, you know? [takes a swig from the flask]
Guard 2: Enjoy the boredom while you can.
Randy: So you worked here last winter? You worked on Black Friday? [hands the flask back to the guard]
Guard 2: I did.
Randy: Is it really as bad as they say it is?
Guard 2: The shoppers... Hm... They started showing up at midnight on Thursday... They... didn't line up, they just crammed themselves near the main entrance... I can see their faces smooshed up against the glass, licking their lips, waiting to get in... God, the sounds that they made... It was 5 am when they opened the doors... There was screaming... blood... people... tearing each other's faces off while holiday music played in the background... I saw a woman... pick up her daughter by the ankle and swing her into some old guy's head... Before I knew it they were all around me... fighting, clawing. Then a hand reached in and pulled me out. Old Cap. He saved us all that day. [A shot of the chief of security] When it was over... the front of the mall was... covered in red. Bodies... shopping bags... [a shot of the banner again] And now winter comes again. [after a few seconds of reflection, he quickly drinks the rest of the flask]
Scene Description: Downtown South Park, day. Cartman and Butters are walking
Butters: Well Wizard Cartman, I started watching Game of Thrones.
Cartman: Ah yes, Paladin Butters, are you enjoying it?
Butters: Well it's it's pretty good, I guess, but have you ever noticed that almost every time they show a guy's wiener, that guy's character is gay?
Cartman: What do you mean?
Butters: Well ih-it's just that they have a lot of girls' boobs and vagina's and stuff, but most times they show a man's wiener, it's because that guy's in a love scene with another guy. Do you think it's because gay wieners are less threatening to women viewers?
Cartman: Iiii believe you might be missing the greater point of the show, Paladin Butters.
Butters: Yeah, I know. Winter is comin' and there's dragons and zombies on the way. I'm pretty excited for that. Just could do with a little less gay wiener is all.
Scene Description: Cartman's backyard, evening. The boys are back practicing their swordplay. Cartman and Butters step through the sliding door onto the yard
Cartman: We have word from the kindergartners. They've agreed to join us! [the boys cheer this good news]
Kyle: Those XBox Ones are as good as ours!
Boys: Yeah!
Craig: Wait, wait. What are you talking about, XBox Ones? [everyone's smiles vanish]
Cartman: That's what this is all about, Craig. We're all trying to get XBox Ones on Black Friday.
Craig: I thought we were getting Playstation 4's.
Cartman: [chortles] What?
Jimmy: M ma um m-me too.
Cartman: ...Nnnoo. Guys, when I said we're gonna get the next gen gaming systems, I was obviously talking about XBoxes.
Kyle: Yeah.
Jimmy: Eh but I want a PS4, not a crappy XBox.
Kyle: Look, guys, we all have to agree on one system.
Cartman: That's right.
Kyle: If some of us are on PS4s, but the rest of us are on XBox's, then we all can't play together online. See? This is all about committing to one machine.
Craig: Right. Let's all get PS4s.
Kyle: [taken aback] No, the XBox's are gonna be better.
Tweek: They're not better, they're just more expensive.
Cartman: We are getting XBox Ones, guys! And that is final!
Craig: [angrily] That's exactly how XBox people are!
Jimmy: Yeah!
Cartman: Fine! If you guys don't wanna join us on Black Friday to get XBoxes, then that's fine!
Craig: We're still gonna fight on Black Friday, just not with you!
Cartman: [thinks for a moment] Oh, it's gonna be like that, is it?!
Craig: Everyone who wants to get PS4s, join with us! [Fosse joins Craig and Tweek, followed soon after by Jimmy and two other boys. Bill and Jason join them as well, while Scott joins the XBox group]
Kyle: No! We can't divide like this! [Stan leaves the XBox group] Stan? [Stan turns around] You're on our side, right?
Stan: I like the PS4's controller better.
Kyle: [stunned, then] Stan, the PS4 doesn't have the seamless transition between games, movies, and TV offered by XBox One.
Stan: [tears welling up] The PS4 has a touchpad interface. You never listened. I told you I thought the PS4 was better, but you never wanted to listen to me, Kyle. You just had your head so set because... [gets mad] because that's how XBox people are.
Kyle: [determined] Then I guess I'll see you on Black Friday.
Stan: [determined] If I see you at the mall, Kyle, I will have to try to beat you inside.
Kyle: I know.
Cartman: [walks up to Kyle] Come on, Kyle. Let these Sony fucks wallow in their limited voice-control functionality. [turns around and walks away with the XBox group, with Kyle joining him. A shot of the mall as day turns to night]
Scene Description: The Marsh house, night. Randy comes home from work as a mall security guard
Randy: [singing to himself] Christmas is coming, the goose is getting fat. [opens the front door and enters, closes the door and sets the keys on a small table] Please to put a penny in the old man's-
Sharon: [waiting for him by the sofa, with her arms crossed] What the hell are you doing?
Randy: [stops] Oh hey Sharon. You're up, huh? I uh... alright, look: I took a temp job at the mall. I just wanted to make some extra holiday cash.
Sharon: Bullshit.
Randy: I did, Sharon. [begins walking past her] I saw they were hiring extra security, and I thought it'd be a good way to make money.
Sharon: [stands up and follows Randy for a few steps] You're doing this to try and get to the front of the line on Black Friday, aren't you?
Randy: [goes onto the first stair step and thinks of his reply, then turns around] Nobody else has thought of it, Sharon. I won't even be out in the crowd. I'll be on the inside when the doors open. While everyone is trying to run over each other, I'll turn around and run right into the stores. I'll be the first to get whatever I want!
Sharon: Isn't Black Friday supposed to be about buying things for other people?
Randy: Winter is coming, Sharon, and I'm a sneaky little bee. [flaps his right hand like a wing] Bzzz bzzz. [goes on up the stairs]
Scene Description: A Trekker's room. The room is furnished to resemble the bridge of the Starship Enterprise. A Vulcan sits in the captain's chair. Star Trek: TOS music plays
Ensign: Thrusters are at 20%, captain.
Kevin: Engage, ensign. Warp factor 1.
Dougie: Captain, we have an incoming FaceTime request from Eric Cartman.
Kevin: On screen. [the monitor on the floor lights up and Cartman is seen.]
Cartman: Oh uh, hey guys, what's up?
Kevin: Nothin' much. We're just about to check out a Class M planet that might have new sources of trillurillium.
Cartman: [to Clyde] God these guys are such dorks!
Clyde: Just find out who they're loyal to.
Cartman: [performs the Vulcan sign for goodbye] Uh yeah, big dong and prosper. Um, listen guys, uh, uh, you're XBox people, right?
Kevin: Given the XBox's faster frame rate, we have no choice but to declare it the most technologically fit for Starfleet.
Cartman: [to Clyde] Oh my god they're so gaaay! [to the Trekkers] Um, kewl. What if I were to tell you that we have a way for you to join us in getting XBox Ones super cheap.
Dougie: Cheap XBox Ones? For real?
Scene Description: Cartman's backyard, moments later. Cartman comes out of his house with Clyde in tow.
Cartman: The Federation has agreed to fight with us! [the group gathers at a round table] With them and the kindergartners, our army has just doubled in size! [Kyle sadly nods in acknowledgement] You still think you can convince Stan to come back to our side, don't you, Sir Kyle?
Kyle: I don't know.
Cartman: You can't change his mind, Sir Kyle. Sony people don't think with logic. He betrayed us. And now we must out-Game of Thrones him by making powerful alliances.
Butters: Oh don't even get me started! I keep watchin' that show and I'm waitin' for the darn dragon to show up and, and kick everyone's butt! But all I get is wiener, wiener, wiener. It's not all gay wiener, but when they DO show a straight guy's wiener, it's all soft and floppy. Even though he just got done humpin' a pretty girl! Why is that? Because a soft wiener isn't threatening, just like a gay wiener. [closes his case by crossing his arms]
Cartman: [with his right hand over his nose] Butters, you seem to be somewhat obsessed with wieners.
Butters: I'm obsessed with wieners? Well what about HBO?
Kyle: This isn't helping us, Butters!
Clyde: The Sony people might not be our biggest problem.
Kenny: (What do you mean?)
Clyde: Twitter says they're introducing a new Elmo doll this Christmas.
Cartman: What new Elmo doll?
Scene Description: The Elmo Doll commercial. What's the GIFT children as asking for this HOLIDAY season?
Elmo: [pops into view] Heheh, who, me?
Announcer: [a blonde girl unwraps her gift] Just in time for the holidays, it's Stop Touching Me Elmo. [the girl shows him to the camera] When you press his back, Elmo puts his hand on your knee and says fun things. [a boy demonstrates this]
Elmo: Have you ever been tickled on the inside? [next, the blonde girl is asleep with it] I'm lonely. Are you lonely? [she wakes up. Next is a boy in his own bedroom room] Can I watch you go potty? [the boy looks at the doll. Next is a brunet girl with curly hair] You wanna kiss the guy who does Elmo's voice? [the doll puts his hand on the girl's knee. This alarms her]
Girl: Stop touching me, Elmo! [swats his arm away. He tries again and she stops him sooner. He tries again...]
Announcer: Elmo also helps kids brush their teeth with his toothpaste dispenser. [a shot of a boy putting toothpaste onto his toothbrush from Elmo's groin]
Elmo: More! More! More! Aaaghghgh.
Announcer: Don't miss out on this holiday season's biggest gift! Stop touching me, Elmo!
Announcer 2: Available at South Park Mall staring Black Friday.
Scene Description: South Park Mall, day. Randy arrives with some coffee and sees some other guards
Randy: Morning, Joe, Marcus.
Guard 3: Morning, Randy.
Old Cap: What madness is this?? [Randy and the other two guards walk over.]
Randy: What is it?
Old Cap: [reads from an announcement] A new Elmo doll. They're releasing a new Emo doll [rolls up the announcement] just in time for Black Friday.
Guard 3: Oh Christ, no!
Old Cap: You've murdered us! [looks up at some business people in front of a Toy Safari store] You soulless monsters, you've killed us all! [some knocking is heard from the main entrance. The guards look to their right and see the crowd beginning to form outside]
Guard 4: Oh, God, they're already lining up.
Shopper 1: Eelllmoooo
Guard 3: No! They can't line up this soon! This is crazy!
Old Cap: I'll deal with these demons! [walks towards the entrance, opens the doors, and walks out. The doors close and he addresses the crowd] If you are here for Black Friday, the line starts on that side of the rope. [shows them the rope. which has a small sign saying "BLACK FRIDAY LINE" on one of the poles]
Shopper 4: Oh. This rope right here? [walks over to the rope. The rest of the crowd follows him and stand behind the rope]
Old Cap: That's the line for Black Friday, so other people can do normal shopping today.
Shopper 4: Oh. Okay. Thanks. [Old Cap goes inside and the shoppers resume knocking on the glass walls.]
Shopper 4: Elmooo.
Shopper 5: Give me Elmo.
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Stan leads Jimmy and Craig to the Goths' hangout at the side of the school
Stan: We come seeking your help. Do you side with those wanting XBoxe's, or will you join us on Black Friday and fight for PS4s?
Michael: Are you for real?
Jimmy: You know that the PS4 is a better choice. I mean, come on.
Michael: Of course we're going to go with the PS4. They're blacker!
Stan: Then join us! We need people to help us be the first 20 inside the mall!
Pete: Uhhh, we're just gonna wait until the PS4s become cheaper and more available.
Stan: No, you can't do that!
Jimmy: Ya yo you can't, you can't do that.
Stan: Don't you see this is about more than Black Friday? Battle lines are being drawn! If you wait it out, but everyone else has already decided to go with XBox, then, that will become the standard! The PS4 would be like Betamax was to VHS.
Henrietta: What's Betamax?
Stan: Exactly!
Pete: What's VHS?
Stan: ...Look, we're just asking people who want to play on PS4s to fight for what they believe in!
Michael: Sorry, I guess we just don't care enough.
Jimmy: Come on, Sir Stan. There must be kids somewhere who will join us. [turns right and walks away. Craig follows, and Stan looks at the floor, saddened]
Scene Description: A lush garden, night. Cartman and Kenny walk through it. Kenny is caressing a mouse
Cartman: Lady McCormick, I was hoping I could talk to you about Kyle.
Kenny: (Yes. What's up, my lord?)
Cartman: I'm not sure if his heart is in the right place. If he were to ever... [picks out a yellow rose and gives it to Kenny] switch sides, [Kenny sniffs it] it could make Stan's army problematic for us.
Kenny: (But Stan and Kyle are best friends)
Cartman: True, but we can't let Kyle come in the way of what's rightfully ours. [stops and faces Kenny] Let's face it, Lady McCormick, this is really about you and me getting XBox Ones. The others are simply there to... help us get inside those doors.
Kenny: [strokes his mouse] (Yes. That's right.) [they resume the walk]
Cartman: You have a strong influence over the rest of the men, Lady McCormick. All I'm saying is when the time comes, I might need you to... use that influence to have Kyle taken care of. Do we understand each other?
Kenny: (Yes, I believe we do.)
Thompson: Hey, you damned kids! [Cartman and Kenny turn to face the voice, which turns out to be a man looking out his bedroom window on the second floor of his house] Get the hell out of my yard!
Cartman: Fuck you, dude! This is the Garden of Andros!
Thompson: No, it's my damned garden and I'm sick of you kids dressin' up and havin' talks of betrayal in it!
Scene Description: The mall, night. The mall is closed, and Randy makes the rounds, buzzing to himself. He stops by RadioHut to check out the specials
Randy: Seventy-inch television. Huh that would be good. Oooo, but 80% off a computer. Huh, maybe I'll be able to snag both.
Voice: Doin' alright there, Rookie? [A hand falls on Randy's left shoulder, startling him]
Randy: Whoa! Haha. [recognizing Old Cap] Yes sir!
Old Cap: Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you.
Randy: No, I was just uh, looking at all these great things I can't afford, heh.
Old Cap: Listen, uh... I know why you took this part-time job.
Randy: You-d, you do?
Old Cap: I see it in you. You care about people. [smiles] Same reason I do it every year. [takes Randy for a walk] You remind me of my son. He died on Black Friday in '89. Guess I'm still trying to save him. [stops] Look, I just want to say I... I really appreciate what you're doing. I promised my wife this would be my last Black Friday I worked. When I see folks like you, it... makes me hopeful that people will still be okay.
Randy: [going with it] Yeah... awesome...
Old Cap: No, damn it! [noticing something outside] No lining up behind the velvet rope! [goes towards the entrance] God they just don't listen! [Randy sighs and buzzes to himself more soberly]
Scene Description: The PS4 army's tent, night. A soldier is keeping watch next to the tent
Jimmy: C-C-Cartman's army is getting bigger every day. In addition to the Federation and the kindergartners, the XBox army now also has the kids who play Harry Potter, the jocks, the swim team, and the glee club.
Craig: Word is that the sixth graders all prefer XBox too, and will team up with Cartman as well.
Stan: And who do we have on our side?
Jimmy: Uh besides us, it's the book club and Janice Pinkerton.
Stan: Did you ask the Vamp kids?
Craig: They're still undecided.
Stan: [walks towards the tent's entrance] There has to be a way to get people on the fence to join our side. [looks at the campfire outside, around which sit Tweek and two other boys]
Boy: Playstation...
Jimmy: Look, Sir Stan, it's probably time to give this up.
Craig: We're just a dying breed, Stan. XBox is going to win this whole thing.
Stan: So we're just gonna let other kids decide which game system we all play on? What would they do on Game of Thrones? What would they do when things look their darkest?
Scene Description: Sony Corporation, Japan, night. The head of the corporation is humping a woman from behind on his desk, in his office. Two board members arrive and one of them clears his throat.
Corporate head: Huh? Isogashii yo! [I'm busy!"]
Member 1: Sorry to disturb you sir, but we thought you should see this. [pulls out a flier]
Corporate head: [gets down from his desk and puts on his robe] Omae-ya kikei ["You freak"]. [the woman gets off the table and skulks away while the corporate head walks to the board members] Jishu, taihen ne. ["Geez, how dreadful"]'[takes the flier and looks at it. It's a flier Cartman had made up and distributed everywhere, even Japan] Winter is comingu. Choose side-o. Nani kore? ["What is this?"]
Member 1: Just a small down in Middle America, but apparently, a war is escalating.
Member 2: Sir, if this were to become a news story, and if the first people inside their mall all got XBoxes... well it clearly looks bad for our image.
Corporate head: [looks more closely at the flier] So desu ne... ["I see..."]
Scene Description: South Park Mall, day. A Channel 9 News reporter is on camera
Reporter 2: What's going to be the big item everyone goes for this Black Friday? It just might be the PlayStation 4. Sony has just announced they offering a special Black Friday bundle, called the "Brack Friday Bunduru," which will include four controllers, a map of Japan, a hundred dollar rebate, and, allow you to automatically pre-order for Metal Gear Solid V. No doubt Sony has just raised the stakes.
Scene Description: Cartman's backyard, day. There are more kids in the yard now, all honing their skills for the coming battle. Cartman walks among them
Cartman: Yes. Good, Federation kids. You're learning to fight with your hands! Keep pushing, kindergartners! [walks further along to Kyle, who's sitting on a tree stump.] Sir Kyle, I know that Sony's offering a special Brack Friday Bunduru. You know the XBox is still better, right?
Kyle: Yeah, but, why can't XBox automatically let you pre-order Metal Gear Solid V?
Cartman: Sir Kyle, pre-order doesn't mean shit, okay? When you pre-order a game, you're just committing to paying for something that some assholes in California haven't even finished working on yet. You know what you get for pre-ordering a game? A big dick in your mouth.
Scene Description: South Park Mall, day. The crowd at the Black Friday line has gotten bigger and the clamoring has gotten louder. Randy is keeping the peace.
Randy: Alright, listen up. [the crowd quiets down] The mall is no longer allowing people to line up for Black Friday until Thanksgiving night. [the clamoring resumes] It's okay. To hold places in line we're handing out wristbands. [the crowd knocks down the rope and overwhelms him] Augh! Hold on! Oh God!
Shopper 6: Wristbands!
Old Cap: [sees the commotion and arrives to restore order] Back! Back, all of you! [the other guards come to help out] If that's how you are, there'll be no wristbands! No go! [delivers a left jab to a woman in front of him]
Shopper 7: Oh!
Old Cap: Back away! [Shopper 1 comes up behind him and stabs him]
Shopper 4: I'm getting my son that Elmo doll, you fuck! [pulls the knife out and rushes away. Old Cap collapses]
Randy: No! [runs to Old Cap's side as more guards exit the mall. Randy reaches him first, and the other guards gather around them]
Old Cap: You did good. The watch is yours now.
Randy: No! You can't die! Everybody really likes you!
Old Cap: This is what we signed up for. Right, my friend?
Randy: No, I was lying to you! I took this job... to be at the front of the line on Black Friday.
Old Cap: Heh. Now you know how serious this is. Whatever your intentions before, protect this town. You are in charge now. Take this. [puts his hand over his left eye and... pulls off what turns out to be an adhesive eye patch and places it on Randy's left eye] Don't let... Black Friday... be the end. [dies. The other guards stay around, not knowing what to do]
Randy: [rises] Get back inside. We have work to do. [the guards file back into the mall]
Scene Description: A backyard, night. Its surroundings are a bit shabby - an overflowing trash can, an old lounge chair... Stan is facing Craig and Jimmy, and a few seconds later, turns around
Stan: When we started this fight... it was because we were tired of XBox people telling us Playstation sucks! Now... we have an army of our own! [the army is shown, and it includes the Goths, the Vamps, the handicapped kids, and some first graders. The house behind them only has one story, and it looks run down. A security grill is falling off one of the windows and the fence is in tatters. The army cheers for itself] I can't guarantee you will live, but I can guarantee that before this is over... the winner of the console wars will be decided. [more cheering. A familiar figure sits on a throne...] Our new leader has joined us to help make sure that system is the PS4! [he turns around and unsheathes his sword, raising it to honor the new leader]All hail the Princess! [points the sword at her, and more cheering follows. Princess Kenny, Lady McCormick, has arrived]
PS4 Army: The Princess! Yeah! [a mouse crawls into view, on the Princess's left shoulder, and roars]


Scene Description: Kenny provides a recap of what happened last week on the show, with clips from that episode.
Kenny: Previously, on South Park.
Scene Description: The intro follows with the boys dresses as fantasy figures, and dramatic music matches them. Next, a white screen appears, with a silhouette of a black wall and a crow on it. The crow calls out
Narrator: Now let me tell you, child, of a war that is about to come. [turns out the wall is the two consoles over which the war will be fought - the PS4 and the XBox - and the crow is on the display for the XBox One.] Since time unremembered there have been two. [the crow hops from the XBox One display to the PS4 display] One dark and unforgiving, the other pure and filled with light. [next is a silhouette of a woman looking at South Park Mall from a pile of rocks] At the dawn of war, I stand alone, looking out at would be the last battlefield, for winter is coming, and I... am a princess. [the woman is Princess Kenny] Once a common lady of the dark army, but, denied my right to be called princess by birth, [Kenny hops off the rocks and walks] I've betrayed my kind, [Kenny enters EVGames] and now I have chosen my side: that which I believe is best for all, [Kenny flips through the games and chooses Vomit Cops, then plays it] for it has the dual-shock controller with a speakers and a touchpad interface. [Kenny walks home] Our land is split in two, brother against brother, friend versus friend. [enters his house and walks past his parents] My parents will fight on Black Friday as well. For what? I do not know.
Stuart: What the hell is he wearin' now?
Narrator: [walks out to the back yard and sits on her throne] My followers, though few in number, shall help see me through until I am finally accepted as a princess by all. I cannot rest, for I know that even now, the enemy is training for battle, also preparing for winter.
Scene Description: XBox One army base, day. As the rest of the army watches, Butters and Scott do some swordplay. Scott's tongue is hanging out of his mouth
Scott: En garde! [Butters takes up his sword and swordplay resumes. While the crowd cheers the swords-boys on, Cartman is not impressed, and he buries his nose in his hand while squeezing his eyes shut]
Cartman: Alright, stop, stop, stop! [leaves his chair and walks up to Scott and Butters] This is NOT how you fight! You think this is a joke?! On Black Friday, there's gonna be thousands of shoppers trying to get inside that mall keeping you from getting Xbox Ones! So what do we do?! We survey each enemy, and we attack their weak spots! Scott Malkinson has diabetes, so we hit him in his weak spot! [swings his staff at Scott's mouth and lands it, making Scott's tongue go back in his mouth]
Scott: Aaah God ow sorry...
Cartman: There's another army out there who thinks they're better than us, and we are not going to be beat by that traitor whore Kenny! Get back to training! [leaves]
Butters: [not sure what to do next, then swats Scott on his back] Yeah!
Scott: [falls onto his knees] Ah!
Kyle: [catches up to Cartman] Cartman, we should probably talk about our chances.
Cartman: The men are just inexperienced, Sir Kyle. They need more training.
Kyle: It's not enough! Ever since Kenny switched sides, there are more kids that wanna go with PS4 on Black Friday.
Cartman: That Goddamn traitor! You know why Kenny's doing this, right? Because he wanted to be a princess, and I wouldn't let him! [they go through the sliding door] I said, "You can be a chick, Kenny, but there's only one ruler, and that's me!" [reaches his refrigerator and opens it, looking for something to consume]
Kyle: Sony released the PS4s, Cartman. They're being reviewed. People are liking them.
Cartman: [turns around, holding a glass of milk] I guarantee you Kenny had something to do with Sony offering a Brack Friday Bunduru! [takes a swig of it] Just keep them in training, Sir Kyle. Two can play at Kenny's backstabbing game. [leaves, forgetting to close the refrigerator door]
Scene Description: Cartman's room, moments later. Cartman is at his desk placing a call, still grousing about Kenny
Cartman: Stupid asshole! [looks at a picture of himself and Kenny at Casa Bonita putting their arms around each other, with dreamy expressions, as they used to be best buds. He folds it up and lays it on his desk, face down] Yes, hello. I'd like to speak to the president of XBox, please... The president of XBox, like, the head of XBox... Fine, CEO of Microsoft, whatever. Put him on. I need help blowing up PlayStation people... Eric Cartman. I'm a wizard and a king... A wizard-king, yes... No, I'm not king of wizards, I'm a king that happens to be a wizard. [lost his patience] Just put the CEO of Microsoft on the phone!
Scene Description: Microsoft headquarters, night. The CEO's office. Steve Ballmer is at his desk
Secretary: Mr. Ballmer, John and Dave from Marketing are here to see you. [the men come on in]
Ballmer: Yes, hello. How are things going out there?
John: Sir, the tides of war are changing.
Dave: There's a king in Colorado, a young wizard who believes that Sony will have the upper hand if we do not come to his aid.
John: He claims that with our help, his followers are prepared to fight to the death over which system is better.
Ballmer: Uhh, what are you guys talking about? You sound ridiculous.
Dave: [looks at John, then] There's... going to be a war in this small town on Black Friday, and it's all over the news!
Ballmer: Guys, these are console wars, not some epic battle for a kingdom. I mean, come on.
Dave: ...but, this one kid said that he's a wizard, and that Sony is helping-
Ballmer: Guys, guys guys! It's just a video game machine, alright? Microsoft's a company that... tries to be above all the petty commercialism, okay?
Dave: Ok-Okay.
John: Okay. [they turn and leave]
Scene Description: The Channel 9 newsroom. The anchors are reporting
Tammy: Well, Black Friday is still a few days away, but it looks like it's already claimed another fatality.
Tom: Niles Lawson is on the scene, and Niles, what are you hearing?
Niles: [holding in his left arm a giant candy cane, with blood stains along the hooked end] Tom, tragedy stuck last night when mall security officer Miles "Happy" Davis was beaten to death with this candy cane after telling a mother she couldn't line up for Black Friday until Thursday night. In honor of the slain mall security officer, the mall has officially decided to drop another 10% off Black Friday deals!
Scene Description: The Wall of Honor, established in 1974. A framed picture of the slain officer is placed on a shelf on the wall, and a small bouquet of flowers placed in front of that
Randy: Happy was a good man. Too good to have died in such a brutal but festive manner.
Guard 3: [runs up to Randy] Captain! Captain! The mall is dropping the Black Friday sale another 10%.
Guard 4: What?
Guard 5: Oh my God.
Guard 6: They can't do that!
Guard 7: What? That's 90% off!
Guard 8: Oh God! They're back! The shoppers are back! [the camera pulls back to reveal a large crowd of shoppers slowly moving towards the mall. One of them holds a flyer for the new Black Friday deal. The fog is so low it looks soupy]
Randy: Everybody stay put! I'll handle this. [exits the mall]
Scene Description: Outside the mall, night. The crowd continues its somewhat slow march towards the mall, but a main road and parking lot stand between them and the mall
Randy: [through a bullhorn] If you are here for Black Friday, you cannot be on mall property until midnight on Thanksgiving.
Shopper 6: We're not on mall property.
Randy: Well, you're about to be.
Shopper 6: Well, what if we just walk really, really slow? [the crowd slows it's walk further, growls spread among them, as they start to resemble a White Walker's] Black Friday!
Randy: You're gonna have to walk slower than that. You've got a while.
Shopper 7: We can walk really slow. Look. [the shoppers start to shamble and quietly moan in a full parody of a White Walker army]
Randy: Smartasses. [turns around and goes inside the mall]
Scene Description: The Garden of Andros, day. Cartman and Butters walk along the familiar path
Cartman: Paladin Butters, I was hoping I could talk to you about Lady McCormick.
Butters: You mean Princess Kenny, m'lord?
Cartman: Yeah, whatever. The little prick thinks he's Daenerys Targaryen. I need to know how to deal with him. [picks a rose out for Butters, just as he did for Kenny before.] How do they deal with the Queen of Dragons in Game of Thrones?
Butters: They don't!
Cartman: Well did you finish watching Season 3 like I asked you?
Butters: Yeah, I finished it!
Cartman: So what happens when the dragons show up?
Butters: Nothing! The dragons are just still on their way! They keep promising dragons, but all I get are more floppy wieners in my face!
Cartman: Butter-Butters! The key to our victory is following the Game of Thrones model exactly. I have to know what happens when the dragons show up so I know how to deal with Kenny.
Butters: Wha-what do you want me to do?
Cartman: Here's two bus tickets to New Mexico. I want you to take Sir Scott Malkinson and go seek out George R. R. Martin for answers.
Butters: Who's George R. R. Martin?
Cartman: He's the guy who writes Game of Thrones, Butters! He can let us both know how to handle Kenny, and if we should betray Clyde or not. Let's face it, Butters, this is really about you and me getting XBoxes. The rest are simply there to help us get through those doors.
Thompson: Hey! I told you kids to stay out of my damn yard!
Cartman: [shoots back] Do you mind?! We're trying to talk here!
Thompson: Yeah?! Well how come every time you talk to somebody, it's about betraying somebody else?!
Cartman: Why don't you mind your own business?!
Scene Description: Microsoft headquarters, night. Steve Ballmer is on the phone.
Ballmer: No. Listen, for the last time, we don't have any dragons to send them. If some people wanna choose PlayStations, it's their choice. [a knock is heard]
Secretary: Sir, Mr. Gates is here.
Ballmer: Bill Gates? [to the caller] Uh, I gotta go. [hangs up, rises from his seat, goes around the desk, and greets Bill Gates] Hey heeey! Bill Gates actually showing up at Corporate.
Gates: [shaking hands] Hey Steve, how're you doin'?
Ballmer: Not bad, you know? Just tryin' to get this next gen press stuff handled.
Gates: I heard there's a little trouble in uh, Colorado somewhere?
Ballmer: Oh it's- no, it turns out it was nothing, just some kids tryin' to turn the console wars into somethin' bigger.
Gates: Oh my gosh. You know, when I uh... stepped down and left you in charge of the company, Steve uh, I knew there might be some challenges for you.
Ballmer: Yeah, well, nothin' I can't handle. [a man dressed in black appears behind him] There might be some changes we need to make to our marketing, but I'm optimistic. [the man approaches Steve.]
Gates: Uh huh.
Ballmer: You know, I think we'll ultimately sell the number of units we want to. [the man takes out a dagger and gets closer]
Gates: You're right, Steve. Some changes do need to be made. [the hitman reaches around and stabs Ballmer through the chest and drags the dagger to the right, cutting open Ballmer's chest even more. Ballmer cries out, but is choking in his blood. Ballmer steps backwards and falls on his back gasping for air. Gates takes a glass of wine to a sofa and sits down to look at Ballmer] Do you know what weakness is, Steve? Weakness is believing that competition is healthy. See, there was a time when XBoxes and PlayStations could both survive in this world, but that time's done. It's all headed to one device that people game on, watch TV on, socialize on. There's only going to be one winner. I can't have you idiots throwing away everything I worked so hard to achieve. [Ballmer takes his last gasps as Gates walks out of the CEO's office. Gates addresses Ballmer's men] Clean that shit up.
Scene Description: New Mexico, evening. Butters and Scott are walking down a street. Butters checks a map for George R. R. Martin's address
Butters: Well come on, Scott. You're lagging.
Scott: I think my insulin's low. I need to eat.
Butters: Let's just talk to this guy, and then we can hit a McDonald's. Oh here we go. 2217. [Butters and Scott stand in front of a mansion gate somewhere in the Southwest. Cacti abound on either side of the high fence. Butters reaches up and presses a buzzer]
Butler: [through the intercom] Can I help you?
Butters: Hello? Is this George R. R. Martin's house?
Butler: Who is this, please?
Butters: Uhhhh, it's two kids who want to know what happens when the dragons show up? [two seconds of silence] Hello?
Butler: I'm sorry, but Mr. Martin does not see fans.
Butters: We're not fans!
Scott: Yeah, we don't like it!
Butters: We don't like it! And I'm pretty pissed off, if you wanna know the truth!
Butler: About what?
Butters: Let me talk to George R. R. Martin, and I'll tell him about what! [the buzzer sounds again and the gates open. Butters and Scott go inside and towards the front door. George R. R. Martin steps outside to greet them]
George R. R. Martin: It's the Red Wedding, isn't it? You hate how I killed everyone off?
Butters: Uh no sir, we just really need to know about the dragons, but they never seem to show up.
George R. R. Martin: Oh they're coming. The dragons are on their way.
Butters: When?
George R. R. Martin: You really wanna know?
Butters: [sternly] Please. It's urgent.
George R. R. Martin: Alright, King Joffrey is still at King's Landing, but there's a young blacksmith who wakes up one morning with a plan. And His wiener gently hangs down between his legs. Soft and flaccid, his wiener glistened in the golden sunlight.
Butters: No, uhno, can we skip the wiener stuff and just get to the dragons?
Scott: Aw shit, I think I'm-I think I'm going to faint.
Butters: Uh what's the matter, Scott?
Scott: I told you I have to eat every two hours.
Butters: He's diabetic.
George R. R. Martin: Oh Jeez, uh, why don't you kids come out from the cold? I'll order some pizzas.
Butters: Oh. Okay, thanks.
George R. R. Martin: Come on in! I'll tell you everything that's gonna happen in Game of Thrones. [leads the boys inside]
Scene Description: The Garden of Andros, day. Cartman and Kyle walk along the familiar path
Cartman: Sir Kyle, I wanted to talk to you about Stan.
Kyle: If you want to make sure I'm not switching sides, Cartman, you don't have to worry. Stan is wrong.
Cartman: It isn't that. Princess Kenny is loved by her army [picks a rose out for Kyle], but Stan is still the nuts and ball of her operation. [Kyle sniffs the rose] It would be a huge setback to the traitors getting their PlayStations if Stan were to be... [stops] grounded?
Kyle: Grounded? For what?
Cartman: That could be up to you.
Kyle: No, Cartman. You said nobody will have to be grounded. We're not playing dirty!
Cartman: Fine, Sir Kyle. Perhaps you're right. [begins walking] Did you know that Stan's dad is working a temp job as mall security?
Kyle: What?
Cartman: Seems a little convenient, doesn't it? [stops and faces Kyle] Stan with somebody on the inside to help him get his PS4s. Who's playing dirty now? Let's face it, Sir Kyle, this is really about you and me getting XBoxes. The rest are simply there to help us get through those doors.
Thompson: Don't believe it! [Cartman and Kyle look at Thompson] He said that to a bunch of people!
Cartman: Dude, you'd better stop harassing me or I'm callin' the cops!
Thompson: You're callin' the cops?!
Cartman: Yeah!
Thompson: You're on my property! I'm callin' the cops!
Cartman: Well go ahead! Call the fuckin' cops then!
Scene Description: A bedroom, night. A couple is having sex in it. As the camera pans right, it reveals whom the couple is - the Channel 9 news team. Niles appears at the door with a microphone in hand. He clears his throat
Tom: [startled] Oh oh! [calms down] Oh, it's you.
Niles: Tom, I'm standing in your doorway because we have a hot news story to report.
Tammy: We don't go to work for another hour.
Niles: [walks to the foot of the bed] We just got a call from Bill Gates. [sits down] He says he can promise us a bigger war on Black Friday if we play along.
Tammy: He wants us to side with him?
Niles: That's right, Tammy. Let's not forget that having a bloodbath on Black Friday is good for the news. It's good for us. The bigger, the better.
Tom: Our job is to report the news, not make it more violent!
Niles: Right, Tom. Because you're sooo about integrity. Let's go. [stands up and walks to the doorway, then turns around] Or maybe I should let everyone in the newsroom know what their two anchors are up to! Back to you!
Scene Description: Channel 9 Morning News, with Tom and Tammy Thompson
Announcer: It's the morning news, with Tom and Tammy Thompson. Colorado's top-rated brother-sister news team.
Tom: Well Black Friday is just around the corner and Tammy, it's getting fierce out there.
Tammy: That's right, and Niles Lawson is out at the mall with a little holiday surprise.
Niles: Tammy, the excitement over Black Friday is peaking, and none other than Bill Gates himself has shown up to try to make it even bigger. [Bill Gates appears]
Gates: That's right. We just wanna do whatever we can to help our supporters get their XBoxes at incredible deals on Friday, so we've come to offer swords and battle axes, whatever the kids can carry to help them fight their way through the other shoppers.
Niles: We understand that you've donated some guns to the kids as well.
Gates: Yes, but we are limiting it to one per XBox follower,, because of course, the key thing here on everyone's mind is safety.
Scene Description: The neighborhood. The XBox army marches down the street, with Cartman being borne on a litter by several boys. Some of the bearers are Clyde and Kevin. One of the Federation members, dressed as Geordi La Forge, is indeed carrying a gun. The army approaches Kenny's house, and Token knocks on the door
Mrs. McCormick: [answers the door] Yes?
Cartman: Hi, is Kenny home?
Mrs. McCormick: Uh, yeah, Kenny's out back playing with his friends.
Cartman: Forward, men! [the bearers try to fit Cartman through the door, but they can't fir through. First they run into the door frame on the left side] That, no- [then on the right] No, you- You've gotta turn me. [the bearers tilt the litter some seventy degrees without Cartman falling off and finally fit through the door.]
Scene Description: Kenny's backyard. The PS4 army is there, practicing
Jimmy: It's the enemy! Defensive po-po-p-po-p-positions! [other soldiers rally]
Other kids: Protect the Princess! Kill 'em! Kill 'em! Get out!
Cartman: I seek audience with the traitor, Lady McCormick?
Stan: Let them pass! [the PS4 army makes way for the XBox army. Cartman is carried over to Kenny's throne]
Kenny: (Welcome to my kingdom, Sir Eric. Please, state your purpose.)
Stan: [translating] The Princess bids your fat ass welcome to her kingdom and suggests you state your purpose. [Kenny plays with the hair on his wig]
Cartman: You can't win this, guys. Look around you. Lay down your weapons, and you can come back and fight for XBoxes with us on Black Friday.
Kenny: (You can change your mind instead of fighting us on Friday.)
Stan: The Princess says that if you wanna change your mind and agree that Playstations are better, she'll consider it.
Cartman: Kenny, we all understand wanting to play as the chick once in a while, 'kay? But you are never going to be a real princess!
Kenny: (What?!) [fans himself] (Oh, the nerve! How insensitive of you, you cock-sucking faggot!)
Stan: The Princess calls you a ball-licking lesbian.
Cartman: That doesn't even make sense.
Kyle: [steps forward] Stan, this has gone too far. People are going to get hurt. What you started is way out of control.
Stan: What I started? How dare you!
Kyle: All these people are going to be gaming on XBox. You really wanna just game with Craig the rest of your life?
Stan: I would rather game with Craig than spend one minute having to set up an XBox Live account! We will get our PlayStations tomorrow, and you buttholes will have nothing!
Cartman: You're outnumbered ten to one, and there's no time left! How will you win?! [Stan and Kenny look at each other, then Stan thinks a minute]
Stan: The gods will find us a way!
Scene Description: George R. R. Martin's living room, later. He's expounding on the Game of Thrones...
George R. R. Martin: So then Samwell Tarly sees the army approaching, and his wiener is about this big. [about 18 inches, by his estimate. Butters is losing patience as Scott fades] He knows that Stannis Baratheon's wiener is probably shriveled from the cold. Samwell has to rally his men, so what does he do? He takes out his wiener [unzips his pants and demonstrates his story] and he dangles it around for all his men to see. [shakes his hips and pretends his wiener is a bell]
Scott: AAAH! [turns away for a moment]
Butters: OOAH! Uh, sir, you said pizzas were coming!
George R. R. Martin: Yeah yeah, they're on their way. They're still coming. So Samwell's wiener goes [shakes his hips around as if his wiener were a bell and makes sounds for it]
Butters: But you said they were on their way like three hours ago! [Scott had said he needs to eat every two hours]
Scott: If I don't get pizza soon, I'm goin' to pass out.
George R. R. Martin: [zips up] Don't worry. They're coming. Pizzas are on their way. They're gonna be amazing. [picks up where he was interrupted] Now, John Snow finally faces Jaime Lannister, and this guy's wiener is, you know, huge, right? So it's not goin' to be easy.
Scott: Ehhh...
Scene Description: The Garden of Andros, day. Cartman is back with another partner in crime
Cartman: Mr. Gates, I was hoping I could talk to you about the fight on Friday.
Gates: Certainly. Uh, Eric, right?
Cartman: Uhh, it's my Lord Wizard King, actually. Having your leadership has certainly been a help. [picks another yellow rose for Gates] But I hope that we're clear that this is my army. [hands the rose to him. Gates sniffs it] There can only be one person of royalty; that's kind of the rules.
Gates: Oh I certainly don't wanna step on your toes. Don't worry, I'm quite good at letting my CEOs do what they want.
Cartman: Your CEOs?
Gates: Let's face it, this is really just about you and me getting XBoxes. The rest are simply there to help us get through those doors.
Cartman: Uhhh, hmmm. What?
Thompson: [from his bedroom window] Hahaa! How's it feel?! Now who's walking who through the betrayal garden?!
Cartman: Why don't you stay the fuck out of my business?!
Thompson: Why don't you stay the fuck out of my yard?! [slams his window shut]
Scene Description: Sony Headquarters, Japan, night. The President of Sony is on top of someone, giving it to them, but that person is silent.
President: Ish, ish, ish, o-ish, haishooo! [quickly sits up to deliver the final thrust, then collapses onto his bed. He then rolls over on his back, revealing whom he was having sex with]
Niles: [with mic in hand] That was amazing sex. I enjoyed it immensely. How about you?
President: [gets a cigarette and lights it.] Tanoshikatta ne. (Yeah, it was fun.)
Niles: You know, Microsoft has given kids who want XBoxes on Black Friday a lot of support. Seems a shame that the fight will be so one-sided.
President: Eh? Nani kore, tsukareta yo. (What? I'm tired!)
Niles: Black Friday is about to happen and it's not even gonna be a fight. That's bad for both of us. There must be something you can give to kids who want Sonys to make the fight more even.
President: Hai. ["Yes." He reaches over to his left and grabs a box] Kore ga arimasu. ["Here it is" He opens the box and something begins to glow inside]
Niles: [leans in to see what it is] Yes, I think that will do nicely.
Scene Description: GRRM's Santa Fe mansion. He's now poised to be conductor. He taps his music stand with the conductor's stick. The scene changes to show a chorus of 10 white, middle-aged men in red-sashed, black, concert tuxedos holding musical scores and standing on double row of concert risers facing GRRM. They begin singing
Chorus: [Classical men's ensemble singing in musical round style, as GRRM conducts.] Wiener, wiener wiener, wiener wiener [continues in background]
Soloist: One wiener, next to another wiener
Chorus: Wiener, wiener wiener, wiener wiener [continues in background]
Soloist: Two wieners alongside yet another wiener
Chorus: Party, wiener party, wiener party, party party, wiener party, wiener wiener [continues in background]
Soloist: Soft wieners, nice and soft, non-erect wieners!
Chorus: Keep them flopping, flopping wieners, floppy floppy, dangle wieners, dangle dangle [continues in background]
Soloist: Five wieners in my face
Scott: Stop! Stop please! I can't take any more! [Chorus is silent]
George R. R. Martin: But this is the best part. Right before King Joffrey gets poisoned, everyone flaps their wieners all around his face.
Scott: Jeaaaaah!
Butters: [gets off the sofa] Listen, buddy! You promised that pizzas were on the way! If they don't show up right now, you're gonna have a dead kid in your hands! Do you hear me?!
George R. R. Martin: Okay, okay, fine fine. What kind of pizzas do you want?
Butters: What kind do we want?!
Scott: He hasn't even ordered the pizzas yet!
George R. R. Martin: Don't worry! They're coming! Not just two pizzas, there's, there's gonna be five! And they're gonna be huge! You won't believe it!
Butters: Come on, Scott! We're leaving! [helps Scott off the sofa, and they're about to leave]
George R. R. Martin: Wait, I haven't told you what happens yet!
Butters: NO! Black Friday is about to happen, and my friends and I have to be the first ones inside the mall to get XBoxes!
George R. R. Martin: Well why didn't you say so? I can help with that.
Butters: Whatoyou mean?
George R. R. Martin: I'll make some calls. I know a way to make sure you're completely prepared for Black Friday! [starts dialing]
Scene Description: Kenny's backyard. The PS4 army is at attention. The Sony President and his chief officers are there. The President presents the box to Kenny
President: Sony PS4 no urazuke. Zenbu. Domo sumimasen. ["For your support of the Sony PS4, I would like to extend my sincere gratitude to all of you"]
Aide: The President of Sony bids you thanks for all your support of the PS4.
President: Sore kara kono gifuto de Princess no Pawaa agemashou ["After that, let us give you this gift, the Power of the Princess"]
Aide: He offers you this gift to once and for all make you an official Princess, and to give you the powers you need to win this war on Black Friday. [The president kneels, opens the box, and shows off the brooch resting within it. Kenny leaves the throne and takes the brooch from its box]
President: Ima kara ["From now on"]... Princess Kenny!
Craig: Wow, Kenny's a Japanese princess.
Kenny: (Wooo!) [as J-pop music plays, Kenny's backyard is transformed. The makeshift thrown becomes a gazebo with a unicorn bust on top, Kenny gets a magical girl look, with big anime eyes, and gets the power of the rainbow, with bubbles, etc. He gets a pet unicorn. The whole scene could be an intro for a Princess Kenny show.]
Scene Description: South Park Mall, night. The 'White Walker' crowd is beginning to cross the street
Guard 9: Oh God. We're done for!
Randy: My friends, the time is almost here. Let us face these shoppers with the bravery of those mall security officers before us. [his phone rings and he picks up] Commander Marsh. ... They're what? ... They're gonna what?!
Scene Description: Outside the mall. The 'Walker' crowd army is closing in on the entrance. Channel 9 News is on the scene
Niles: Tom, we have breaking news from the South Park mall. In an effort to make sure everyone is prepared, the mall has decided to push Black Friday by one week!
Crowd: [turns and looks at him] What?
Niles: The genius idea was proposed by George R. R. Martin, who also suggested "Fuck it, let's push Thanksgiving to December 3rd." For pushing the date, the mall is now reducing Black Friday prices to 96% off to the first hundred people inside the mall! [the shoppers begin to fight each other] This is going to be a fucking bloodbath, Tom. There will be medical tents, ambulances, face-painting, no doubt a lot of people you know and love are going to die! [an elderly man holding up a 96% off flier lets out a dragon's roar]


Scene Description: Previously on South Park. Some clips of the previous episodes are shown as a summary. A clip featuring the Canadian Minister of Health is included just for kicks. The intro follows, with the Wiener song from last episode playing. Then follows the Princess Kenny Japanese anime-style animation. The segment begins at Sony Headquarters. Three men are in the president's office. One looks out the window while the second talks to the president
Exec. 1: Taihen! Mada Microsoft watashi no fune tomatteiru. ["Bad news! Microsoft is still stopping our ships."]
Sony President: Sou ka... ["I see..."]
Exec. 2: Sugu, funukenakereba narimasen. Kono Buraku Furaide sugu kuru. ["We must not back down this soon. Black Friday will soon arrive."]
Sony President: Kore ga mondai desu ne? Ima Purincessu Kenni sugoi irimasu! ["This is a problem, right? I really need Princess Kenny now!"]
Kenny: Tadaima! ["I'm back!"]
Sony President: Oh!
Kenny: Purincessu Kenni reporuto! ["Princess Kenny reporting!"]
Exec. 1: Ah! Ikimashita! [His eyes change to loving hearts icons-"Ah! He has arrived!"]
Exec. 2: Kawaii na, Purincessu Kenni. ["Princess Kenny is so cute."]
Exec. 1: Un ["Yup."]
Sony President: Hayai de! Purincessu Kennu, arigato! Mondai dayo: XBokusu saisho no Bill Gates watashi no PS4 shipment tomatteimasu! ["That was quick. Thank you, Princess Kenny. We have a problem: XBox's president Bill Gates is stopping the shipment of the PS4!"]
Kenny: Hai, Purincessu Kenni assisuto! ["Yessir! Princess Kenny will assist!"]
Scene Description: At sea, day. A Sony cargo ship is stopped in its tracks by three smaller Microsoft ships
Captain: Baka! Kora wa sugoi cheating desu! ["Idiot! This is amazing cheating!"]
Deckhand: [points to the sky] Ara! Purincessu Kenni! ["Look! Princess Kenny!"]
Kenny: Minna-san! Kenni kimasu! ["Everyone, Kenny has arrived"]
Deckhand: [elated] Aaaaah! [His eyes become loving stars]
Scene Description: Return to normal South Park animation style and open on XBox Army headquarters, day. Cartman is in a lawn chair talking to Kyle and Clyde. He's not pleased with what he's hearing.
Cartman: [nose in left hand] He did what?? He flew down in a parachute and he what??
Clyde: Apparently, he stopped Microsoft from blockading the shipment of PS4s to the mall. Looks like he's all over the place winning the console wars for Sony.
Cartman: Because, because what? Because he's cute?
Kyle: Cartman, he's got everyone on Sony's side. We can't stop him!
Cartman: But what does he do besides that he's cute?!
Liane: [appears in the sliding door] Sweetie, Bill Gates is on the phone for you.
Cartman: Tell Bill Gates to suck my ass, Mom! [she turns around and goes back inside. Cartman reconsiders] Mom? [she looks back at him] Don't seriously tell Bill Gates to suck my ass. Tell him everything's cool and I'll call him in a little bit. [she walks out of view]
Kyle: This would have never happened if you would have let Kenny be a princess in the first place!
Cartman: He's not a princess, he's a DUDE!
Kyle: Well, unfortunately for us, he's now on the other side! We are out of options!
Cartman: So what are you saying, Kyle?!
Kyle: I have an idea. [turns around and walks off a bit] I don't like it, but I think it's the only choice we have.
Scene Description: South Park Mall, night. A huge crowd of people waits to get in, and minor scuffles pop up from time to time. Niles reports
Niles: Tom, Black Friday is finally almost here, and as you can see behind me, holiday shoppers are really getting antsy. People have been waiting out here since midnight on Thanksgiving. They're cold, they're starving, and there's already been a lot of blood shed over these holiday deals. Joining me now is Rick Tellmore, [balding shopper] who's been out here for six days, and your five year old son was eaten. Is that correct?
Rick: Yes, yes that's right, we had to eat him. We were all sort of starving out here, so we drew straws, and he drew the shortest one.
Niles: What is it you're hoping to get when Black Friday does finally start?
Rick: A a Blu-ray player. Ninety-six percent off, it's gonna be about 20 bucks.
Niles: Now, some people might say that eating your child is not very Christmasy. What would you say to them?
Rick: [thinks a long time] Iiii... ate my son for a Blu-ray play-er With a ho ho ho and a jingle jingle jang-le My son got ate and it tasted good ho ho jingle jingle ho ho! [as Niles speaks, he moves off, singing] Ho ho jingle jing-le Jingle jingle jang-le Jingle jingle jingle ho ho!
Niles: No doubt Christmas is alive and well at the South Park Mall. Back to you, Tom.
Scene Description: PS4 Army's medieval tent headquarters, day. Stan looks over a crude, cardboard, scale model of the mall, with troop locations indicated by Lego men
Stan: Alright, guys, here's the deal: the main entrance to the mall is already blocked by thousands of waiting shoppers. The kids who want XBoxes plan to flank from the left, here. [points to the location] Our best chance of being first inside is finding a way to the mall's back entrance, here. [points to a location outside cardboard Red Robin]
Craig: At Red Robin?
Jimmy: That's right. Red Robin has doors on the inside that go right out into the mall.
Stan: The key to us being the first ones inside is taking over the Red Robin before Black Friday starts.
Craig: So how do we take over Black Robin?
Stan: I have no idea.
Pete: [appearing at the tent's entrance] Hey uh, excuse me?
Stan: Yes?
Pete: The uh, XBox fighters are here and they say they wanna switch sides?
Stan: What? [moments later, outside, Stan walks towards Cartman as the two armies face each other]
Kyle: Go ahead and tell him, Cartman.
Cartman: Alright. on behalf of the XBox fighters of Zaron we hereby lay down our arms and give up, okay?
Craig: Haha.
Cartman: Shut up, Craig! This is very difficult! You guys win, alright?! We'll all play on PlayStation 4s! We still think XBox is the superior machine, but you got too many people on your side, and then Kenny became a Japanese princess.
Clyde: Nobody saw that coming.
Kyle: Look, the truth is, we all have a bigger problem now, and you know it. Nobody is going to get anything if we don't work together against those thousands of other shoppers.
Stan: So, better a PS4 than nothing, is that it? I think we'll take our chances on our own. [turns around and walks away]
Cartman: We know a way inside the Red Robin. [this stops Stan, Jimmy and Craig] You don't think you're the only ones that thought of it. We were going to use the Red Robin entrance too, and we figured out how.
Kyle: Red Robin can be rented out, for wedding parties. If we all chip in we can pay for the deposit to have the wedding party there.
Craig: Hey, that could work.
Kyle: Let's do this together, dude. [Stan turns around and goes back] Our only shot at playing any next-gen console is by teaming up. If you wanna game on a PS4, then I do too.
Stan: And you swear you'll be okay with that? You won't talk about the XBox being better ever again?
Kyle: [pledges with his right hand up and puts his left hand behind his back] I swear, Stan.
Stan: [turns around] Alright, guys. Looks like we have a wedding to plan. [as he walks away with Jimmy and Craig, the camera reveals that Kyle had his fingers on the hand behind his back crossed during the swear.]
Scene Description: Switch to Princess Kenny anime-style animation. Sony headquarters, day.
Sony President: Taihen. Kono console warusu mada owaranai. ["This is bad! These console wars aren't over yet."]
Exec. 3: Sou desu ["That's right"]
Sony President: Un? ["Oh?"]
Exec. 3: [holds up a chart showing the projected sales of XBox and PS4 in Japan] XBox to Sony PS4 neku ando neku desu. ["The XBox and Sony PS4 are neck and neck."]
Kenny: Minna-san, ii yo. Purincessu Kenni ganbaru. ["Everyone, its alright. Princess Kenny will give it her all."]
Secretary 1: Kenni-chan, shitsure desu kedo. Wedding invitation kimashita. ["Kenny-chan, sorry to interrupt, but a wedding invitation has arrived."]
Kenny: Ha? Ueddingu? ["Huh? Wedding?" Kenny reads the front of the invitation: "You are invited to a wedding at Red Robin"]
Cartman: [Cartman's portrait, anime-style with a beard, voices over as Kenny reads the note inside the invitation.] Kenny-chan, please come home at once. Our two houses have found peace. Come to the Red Robin wedding, and we will accept you as the princess you are. Yours truly, the Wizard King.
Kenny: Waaah? Sugoi-chan. ["What? Sweet!"]
Exec. 1: Purincessu Kenni ueddingu irimasu ne? ["Princess Kenny is going to be in a wedding, right?"]
Exec. 2: Un. ["Yeah."]
Sony President: Purincessu Kenni, honto ni zenbu arigato ["Princess Kenny, thanks so much for everything."]
Exec. 1: Ki o tsukete, Kenni-chan ["Take care, Kenny-chan!"]
Exec. 2: Purincessu Kenni, sayonara! ["Goodbye, Princess Kenny!" They all bow]
Kenny: Minna-san, sayonara! Ima, Purincessu Kenni tomodachi ni kaerimasu! ["Goodbye, everyone! Princess Kenny is going back home to her friends!" Kenny jumps out the window... and drops straight down. She crashes into the street below and leaves a big puddle of blood]
Man: Eh?!
Exec. 1: Nande koto! Purincessu Kenni koroshita! ["Oh my God! It killed Princess Kenny!"]
Exec. 2: Honto! Purincessu Kenni shindeitta! ["It's true! Princess Kenny is dead!"]
Exec. 1: Horaa! ["Look!"]
Kenny: [gets up and dusts himself off, then floats in the air] Purincessu Kenni daijobu dayo! ["Princess Kenny is fine!"]
The office: Ahh, kawaii! [The men's eyes turn to hearts, the women's to happy upside-down U's-"Ahh, how cute!"]
Scene Description: Return to normal animation style. The Garden of Andros, yet again. Cartman walks with Stan now.
Cartman: Sir Stan, I was hoping I could talk to you about the wedding.
Stan: Yeah, sure, what about it?
Cartman: I think it's best that when the time comes for the mall to open, we should stay back a bit from the doors. [reaches out for a yellow rose]
Stan: Why?
Cartman: Well, think about it. [hands the rose to Stan, who takes it] The first people inside are gonna have to take on the brunt of the holiday shoppers from the main entrance. It's best we let Butters and Scott Malkinson go first. While they fight, we can simply slip on by.
Stan: Oh, okay I guess that makes sense, but... Butters and Scott won't be able to get their PS4s.
Cartman: Yes, that's true, but, let's face Sir Stan. This is all about you and me getting PlayStations. The rest are simply there to help us... get through-
Thompson: He's lying to you! [Cartman gets annoyed, and he and Stan look at Thompson] They're just acting like they've given up, but it's a double-bluff!
Cartman: Dude! Dude!
Thompson: They're gonna betray you at the Red Robin wedding! He got the idea watching Game of Thrones!
Cartman: Dude, shut the fuck up!
Stan: Who is that?
Cartman: He's just this old crazy guy who gets pissed off because I'm in his garden all the time.
Thompson: They're gonna lock you in!
Cartman: God damn it, shut up!
Thompson: He talked about it in my garden to like three other people! They're gonna lock you in the Red Robin and go get all the XBoxes! That's why he wants you to stay back from the doors!
Cartman: Well why don't you just tell the whole world everything, huh?! Why don't you tell everyone what Prometheus was about while you're at it?!
Stan: Did Kyle know about this?
Cartman: Dude, we're not gonna betray you. Come on! Did you see Prometheus? I don't think the writers even knew what that was about.
Stan: Did Kyle know about this?!
Cartman: [sighs] Kyle thought of it. [Stan bolts out of there] Stan, dude, hold on! XBox One is fuckin' sweet, dude! [with Stan not returning, Cartman looks at Thompson] You're a fuckin' asshole!
Thompson: Fuck you, get out of my garden!
Cartman: I'll shit in your fuckin' garden!
Thompson: Go fuck yourself! [slams his bedroom window shut]
Scene Description: Channel 9 News
Tammy: Well, the wait is over and Black Friday is finally here.
Tom: Niles Lawson is at the scene, and it's about time, Niles.
Niles: That's right Tom. Mall officials have said they are ready, and doors will open as soon as their guest of honor cuts the ceremonial red ribbon. [shown] This year's ribbon cutter is of course George R. R. Martin, who um, doesn't appear to have shown up yet, [a real-life photo of George R. R. Martin is shown] but uhh, says he is on his way. Just like the dragons and zombies in his novels, he is on his way.
Scene Description: Sure enough, two horses run through frozen New Mexico. One carries George R. R. Martin, the other carries Butters and Scott, who has passed out from lack of eating
Butters: Now just hold on a minute! Well I'm pretty darned sure the fastest way back to Colorado isn't on horseback!
George R. R. Martin: That may be true, but horses have one quality that is unmatched by any other mode of transportation.
Butters: What's that? [looks around, than below, his horse] Awww! [horse is shown with a huge semi-hard penis.]
Scene Description: Red Robin, day. As the boys and Red Robin workers go about preparing the restaurant for a wedding, Cartman talks to the manager. After hanging up a "Happy Wedding" banner, Clyde and Craig come down some ladders
Cartman: Okay, cool, could we set up the two long tables here, like, facing each other, and then another one for the bride and groom back there?
Manager: Uh, I heard a rumor. May I ask, who is it that's getting married?
Cartman: Oh uum, Tom Hanks aaand Beyoncé.
Manager: It's, it's real? It's for real? Oho my God, I love them!
Cartman: Yesh, kewl.
Manager: So Beyoncé is not with Jay-Z anymore?
Cartman: Well, clearly she wouldn't be marrying Tom Hanks at Red Robin if she was.
Manager: Uh, guys, guys, not those tables. Get the good tables. This is VIP, okay?
Cartman: Has anyone heard from Butters and Scott Malkinson? The fuck are they?
Kyle: [rushes up] Cartman, Cartman! I heard that Stan somehow found out about our plan!
Cartman: Yes, he did.
Kyle: Well what the hell are you doing?! This isn't gonna work now!
Cartman: [shushes Kyle up and walks him a few steps] It's fine, Kyle. Everything's been taken care of. Stan won't be telling anybody anything... ever again.
Kyle: [getting alarmed] What the hell did you do??
Cartman: What had to be done so that we can play our games on XBoxes, Kyle!
Kyle: No. Tell me you didn't!
Scene Description: Stan's house, evening. Sharon takes Kyle up to Stan's room and briefs him on Stan's trouble
Sharon: He's not allowed to come out of his room, so you can talk to him through the door.
Kyle: Thanks, Mrs. Marsh.
Sharon: And keep it short. He's in real trouble. He defecated in a nice old man's garden.
Kyle: Ok-okay. [watches her leave, walks over to Stan's door and knocks] Stan? Stan?
Stan: [startled out of his sleep] Huh? Hello? Who is that? [next to him is a glass of milk, a sandwich with a bite in it, and a tin cup]
Kyle: Stan, it's me.
Stan: Get out of here!
Kyle: Dude, I know you're pissed at me right now. You've gotta understand that I did it because I know in my heart that the XBox is better, for all of us.
Stan: You completely betrayed the last bit of friendship we still had.
Kyle: You weren't playing fair, dude. Getting your dad to work part time at the mall wasn't fair.
Stan: [stands and turns to address Kyle] I didn't even know he was working at the mall, Kyle!
Kyle: You didn't?
Stan: ...But you couldn't just ask me. Because XBox people... don't care about the truth. They just care about seamless multimedia connectivity.
Kyle: I'm sorry, Stan. I'm sorry. This whole war has just got us all so screwed up. I just want us to be playing Call of Duty on the right machine.
Stan: You don't understand. I'm never playing Call of Duty with you again.
Kyle: [lets his head fall on the door] Stan, don't say that.
Stan: Get out of here! I'm done with you! [grabs the tin cup and raps it against his bedroom 'jail cell' door as in classic prison movies] Mom! Mom! [Kyle stands up straight] Get him out of here! [Sharon arrives, and Kyle back away from the door] Get him out! [Kyle leaves]
Scene Description: Inside the currently empty South Park Mall atrium, night. Randy addresses the other guards
Randy: Now listen up: there are only eight of us now. Peterson was a great guy, and he did not deserve to get beheaded like that. Now I don't know about you, but I am sick and tired of getting to know people here, getting invested in their personalities and their back stories, and then having them die! [points to the main entrance] When those doors open, we all stick together! If anyone panics, it puts us all at risk! [a blond guard begins to weep] Stay tough, rookie.
Guard 6: We're not gonna make it, sir.
Randy: We're gonna make it! You've got a newborn little girl who needs her daddy to make it! I'm not going to let you die, okay?!
Guard 6: Okay.
Randy: OKAY?!
Guard 6: Yes sir! Yes sir.
Randy: Not one more good person dies on my watch! [all of a sudden, shoppers break through the skylight on the upper level]
Guard 3: Oh my God!
Guard 8: They're comin' in through the roof!
Guard 6: [begins to back away] I can't do this! I'm sorry! I can't do this! [runs off, and now there are seven]
Randy: Stay at your post! [an arrow pierces the fleeing guard's back right chest. Randy is shown again, holding the bow from which the arrow came] Nooo! NOOO! EVERYBODY REALLY LIKED HIM!! NOOO!
Scene Description: South Park Mall, day. A helicopter shot of the crowd outside the mall.
Niles: Here we go, Tom. George R. R. Martin has finally arrived to cut the red ribbon. [George R. R. Martin is shown behind the red ribbon with scissors in hand]
George R. R. Martin: Ladies and gentlemen, it is my honor to be here this morning on behalf of South Park Mall Partners and channel 9 News, your go-to source for news, weather, and sports.
Shopper 8: Just do it! [the shoppers in front crouch down, ready to run inside]
George R. R. Martin: Very well. In the tradition of our ancestors, [lowers the scissors to a cutting position] let's bring in the holidays! [more jockeying for position. George R. R. Martin pulls up at the last moment and closes the scissors] But first, I'd like to share with you a few words about my wiener.
Crowd: AAAWWWW!! [off to one side, where the crowd can't see, the Goth kids approach Red Robin]
Manager: Hey, sorry guys. Red Robin is closed for a special event today.
Pete: Yeah, we know. We're with the wedding.
Manager: Oh great, go right on in. [smiles and lets them in]
Scene Description: Red Robin, inside. The theme is medieval times, with the boys in costume. Both houses - House PS4 and House XBox - are present. Jimmy plays the flute while Craig accompanies him on tambourine in a medieval style song.
Cartman: Everyone! Everyone, a Black Friday toast. How awesome that we are all friends again. Our two houses brought together. Soon we will all have our PlayStation 4s. [all cheer] And to you, my old friend, Princess Kenny. You really look stunning. No doubt the gods have smiled down upon your perky boobs.
Kenny: (My boobs? You flatter me, Grand Wizard!)
Cartman: Now, if you'll excuse my, my lady, I need to take a shit. [leaves the table and goes to the mall-side entrance, where Clyde is keeping watch] What have you found out?
Clyde: The mall isn't open yet. They're waiting for George R. R. Martin to come cut the ribbon.
Cartman: Oh okay, that could be a while. [turns away from the door] All our men are ready. When the mall opens, blow the whistle. We'll rush through the doors and lock the Sony dorks inside. Alright, now I really do need to take a shit.
Scene Description: At the mall entrance...
George R. R. Martin: O soft and pink with purple head.Gently you lay with me on my bed.
Shopper 9: Get on with it, George R. R. Martin! [the rest of the crowd rallies behind him]
George R. R. Martin: "Growl, growl" calls the wiener from on high A little tiny wiener, still so pleasing to the eye.
Shopper 10: Enough with the wieners already!
Shopper 11: Yeah, come on!
Scene Description: Back at Red Robin... Cartman is back from the restroom and looks over to the mall entrance
Cartman: Clyde? Where the hell is Clyde? Clyde?
Kyle: [approaches Cartman and Kenny's table] Princess Kenny, I believe it's time we returned the Wizard's hospitality! [the PS4 soldiers immediately brandish their weapons and aim them at the XBox soldiers. Tweek advances on Token with an armed bow. Kenny has his sword under Cartman's chin]
Cartman: What the hell is this?!
Kyle: I'm sorry, Cartman. There's been a little change in plans!
Cartman: Sir Kyle, they're about to open the mall! What are you doing?!
Kyle: I am no longer an XBox guy! I let my friend get grounded, but today I will give him a PlayStation!
Cartman: Kyle, the PlayStation controller sucks and you know it!
Kyle: The fight is over, Cartman!
Gates: [walks into view] It's not over. Looks like I came just in time.
Cartman: Oho! Bill Gates! Sweet! In your face, Kyle!
Sony President: [walks into view and speaks in very thick accent] You will not interfere, Bill Gates! These-a children will get their PS4s!
Kenny: (The Sony president's here too, desu ka? ["Is that the Sony president here, too?"])
Kyle: Wait a minute. Ha-how the hell did these two guys end up here?
Cartman: They're not a part of your betrayal?
Kyle: No. They're not a part of your betrayal?
Cartman: No. Whose betrayal is this? [the sound of chains comes from the mall entrance - Stan locks the doors, then turns around]
Stan: We're done with betrayals! It's time to put an end to this!
Kyle: Stan?
Scene Description: Inside the mall...
Guard 3: Sir? Sir, Operations just said they need one of us to unlock the door to Red Robin to let some wedding party inside the mall!
Randy: Screw them! They'll have to fend for themselves! Wait. Red Robin Wedding? Who's getting married?!
Guard 3: Tom Hanks and Beyoncé.
Randy: What?! Oh my God, everyone likes Tom Hanks and Beyoncé! [runs towards Red Robin] I've gotta save them!
Scene Description: Back at Red Robin...
Stan: I appreciate what you're trying to do, Kyle, but I have a better idea! This isn't our war, you guys! It never was. We've been pitted against each other by two companies for the sake of marketing. That's why they want lines around the block. [stops between the two presidents] Because they want a war to promote their products. They don't give a crap what kind of friendships they cost. You two want a war so bad? [throws his sword at the Sony president] Then you fucking fight!
Sony President: Huh? [strokes the wooden sword] Sou...["I see..."]
Gates: Then let's finish it! [begins to unbutton his shirt] You and me!
Sony President: Ikimashou! ["Let's go!"]
Gates: [now topless, he is fully covered in MS-13 gang tattoos. Prominent chest tattoo is "MS-DOS"] Winner take all!
Cartman: Oh dude, this is pretty sweet.
Sony President: Then let this be your last fight, Bill Gates. [Gates throws the first punch, then follows up with a few kicks. The Sony president comes back with a right hook. The kids look on in horror as the men fight unarmed. Butters finally shows up.]
Butters: Hey, fellas. What did I miss? [smiles]
Scene Description: At the main mall entrance, George R. R. Martin is still expounding on wieners
George R. R. Martin: Look at this wiener. [unzips his pants] Judge it by its size?Rub it three times and it has a surprise. [Shopper 4 joins George R. R. Martin after George R. R. Martin exposes his penis and opens up a switchblade]
Shopper 4: That's it! You're not delaying this anymore, you wiener-loving bitch! [slices off George R. R. Martin's penis and throws it into the crowd, which cheers wildly. Shopper 4 cuts the ribbon, and the crowd surges into the mall. The six remaining guards are powerless against the crowd]
Guard 8: Happy holidays, Rick. [grabs Rick's hand and holds it as the crowd surges forward]
Rick: And to you, my friend. [Utter chaos. The guards are overpowered and trampled on. The shoppers break into the stores, destroying windows and looting. One man dies impaled on a broken window. A lot of adults grab "Stop Touching Me Elmo"s]
Shopper 12: Grab it Rebecca! Grab it [has her girl stretching out to grab an Elmo from the top shelf. Another woman comes up behind her and hits her with a bat, knocking the Elmo out of the girl's hands. The second woman is herself thrown into a shelf by a man.]
Shopper 2: [Morbidly obese shopper throwing people out of her way left and right] Kiss my fat vagina!
Shopper 13: [combat music starts in imitation of "Game of Thrones" credit music as shopper 13 competes with other shoppers to grab items from a cardboard box] Gimme that camera! Give it up! [live-action archived footage from a rush on Cabbage Patch Kids, and more from Walmart and Target]
Randy: Get back! Get out of my way! [his phone rings and he answers it] Commander Marsh?
Sharon: Did you know that your son is supposed to be grounded and he snuck out to go to Red Robin?!
Randy: WHAT?? STAN'S IN THE RED ROBIN WEDDING TOO?? OH GOD, I REALLY CARE ABOUT HIM!
Scene Description: Back at Red Robin, Bill Gates finishes off the Sony president with five head smashes into the ground.
Gates: This... is over... Now... you die! {cracks the president's head open and creates a pool of blood, then throwing him into a wall for good measure. The president's brain is exposed. Tired and breathless, Gates walks over to a table and leans on it a little] It's over. Xbox... wins! [no one is happy about this.]
Cartman: [flatly] Yay, XBox wins.
Stan: [flatly] Yay.
Randy: [unlocks the doors and opens them] Stan! You're alive! I saved you! [falls on to his knees] It's okay, Beyoncé! The fight's over! You can still shop! [falls over, exhausted]
Gates: Go on, kids. [gasps] Go get your XBoxes. [the kids silently leave Red Robin. Music changes to a solo piano playing "Oh Christmas Tree" in imitation of "A Charlie Brown Christmas". Eleven of them walk through the mall, through a sea of bodies and blood, and up to the second floor on an escalator]
Elmo: [on an adjacent escalator] Can Elmo smell your genitals? [the boys walk over to EVGames]
EVGames clerk: [unscathed, despite the destruction to his shop] Happy holidays, guys. What can I interest ya in? [the shelf behind him, full of PS4s and XB1s, is surprisingly unscathed]
Cartman: We'd like to get XBox Ones please.
EVGames clerk: Good choice! [gives the boys a thumbs up]
Scene Description: Channel 9 news report set in front of parking lot full of dead shoppers. "A Charlie Brown Christmas" piano music still underscores.
Randy: [Silently carries a flat panel television past the mass of dead bodies.]
Niles: Tom, the shopping frenzy is over, and it looks like Microsoft's new XBox One is this year's hot item. No doubt this will secure its place as the go-to next-gen console. Black Friday is over. There's been death, violence, horrible human behavior... and the big winner here, decidedly, is Channel 9 News.
Scene Description: Cartman's house, afternoon. The eleven who went to EVGames - Timmy, Tweek, Craig, Clyde, Kenny, Token, Kyle, Butters, Jimmy, Cartman, Stan - and Scott are in the living room. Cartman and Stan are playing while the others are behind them, watching.
Cartman: The interface is pretty cool. See, I told you guys, it's really a... it's a seamless interface.
Stan: Yes, it is.
Butters: The graphics are definitely like 10% better than the old XBox.
Jimmy: Yeah that's that's that's pretty nice. [the game falls silent]
Cartman: You guys wanna p-play outside or something? [the boys glance around at each other. Soon the sliding door opens and the boys walk out onto the back yard]
Kyle: Cartman? Your side won, dude. Why are you so sad?
Cartman: I just... I can't get the image of Bill Gates... bashing that guy's head apart out of my eyes.
Stan: Yeah, I know what you mean. Well look, guys, XBox won the console wars, I mean, what are we gonna do? Not play video games?
Cartman: The last two weeks we've been too busy to play video games and, look at what we did. There's been drama, action, romance... I mean honestly you guys, do we need video games to play?
The boys: Yeah, you're right. You make a point.
Cartman: Maybe we started to rely on Microsoft and Sony so much that we forgot that all we need to play are the simplest things. Like, like this. [grabs a stick from the ground] We could just play with this. Screw video games, dude! Who fuckin' needs them?!
The boys: Yeah!
Cartman: [holds the stick up high in the sun] Fuck 'em!
Scene Description: Quick commercial. A box for The Stick of Truth appears onscreen
Announcer: The South Park video game, coming to stores soon!
Butters: [pops up onscreen] Yeah, and if you believe that I've got a big floppy wiener to dangle in your face!