Scene Description: Unplanned Parenthood, day. It has undergone renovation, so it looks softer. It's snowing outside
Scene Description: Inside, operating room. A woman is waiting on a hospital bed. She's quite pregnant. A doctor enters the room with a cart housing everything he needs for his work, and approaches the bed
Doctor: Alright, Ms. Sanders, all ready for your abortion? [picks up her chart and reads as canned laughter is heard]
Ms. Sanders: Ready as I'm ever going to be, I guess. [the laughter quiets down a bit, but still rolls]
Doctor: Well, try to relax; It will all be over very soon. [more laughter]
Ms. Sanders: Docter, can we turn off that television? [switch to a wide shot of the room, and the television is seen. On screen is a comedy skit featuring Benny Hill and an elderly man. That's where the laughter comes from]
Doctor: [looks up first] Oh yes, I 'm sorry. [moves to turn off the set and a close-up of the skit is shown: Benny Hill, dressed as a constable, raps the old man on the head and then shoos him along. The set is turned off, and the doctor returns to the woman's bed.] Now, there is one more thing.
Ms. Sanders: What?
Doctor: Have you heard of stem-cell research?
Ms. Sanders: Uh-I've heard of it on the news, but... I don't know what it is.
Doctor: Well basically, a lot of amazing studies have shown that stem cells might be used to fight cancer and a myriad of other diseases. Right now, a lot of stem cells come from the tissue of aborted fetuses- [taps the woman's leg] ah- I'm sorry, unwanted children. And if you sign a release, that tissue can go to studies.
Ms. Sanders: Oh well, I suppose, if it can help others.
Doctor: The hope is that someday it might. [hands her the release form and she signs it]
Ms. Sanders: Well okay. [hands the form back to him]
Doctor: Great. [puts the form inside the cart] Well, here we go. [puts on his gloves]
Scene Description: Hallway outside operating room. A vacuuming sound is heard for a few moments before a janitor passes by with a vacuum cleaner. The OR door opens and the doctor steps out with a small container
Doctor: Nurse? [a nurse arrives] This is to go to Alder's Labs for stem-cell research.
Nurse: Yes, Doctor.
Scene Description: The nurse takes the container and goes to the room next door. She types in a keypad combination and a song starts up: Willie Nelson's "On The Road Again." She pours the contents of the container into a bio-hazard bag and places the back into a secure box. Outside, an Alder's Research Group truck backs up to the loading dock on the outside of Planned Parenthood. Clinic personnel gather the boxes and place them inside the truck's trailer. Once the last box is in they close the trailer and the truck rolls away.
Scene Description: The highway, moments later. The truck rolls along to "On The Road Again." and the driver joins in the singing
Truck driver: ...going places that I've never beenSeeing things that I may never see a- Uuugh! [a deer leaps into the read ahead of him and looks at him] Jesus Christ!! [swerves to avoid the deer and goes over a cliff, tumbling down its side. It lands somewhere below with its contents spilled all over the place. The driver is killed on impact, but the song continues to play...]
Scene Description: The highway, moments later. A Big Wheel rounds a corner...
Cartman: [rides along] My baby takes the morning train and she takes another home again. Hmm. [sees the trashed truck and its contents] What do we have heah? [strokes his chin]
Scene Description: A cow pasture, later. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny sit among the cows burning cow dung. Kenny holds the match and lighter. The cows around them are grazing
Stan: Well that burned a long time.
Kyle: Yeah, that was pretty good. [a cow near them drops five pellets and walks off]
Stan: [all three rush to the new dung] Oh dude, there goes one.
Kyle: [to Kenny] 'K go! [Kenny strikes a match and lights the dung, which yields a nice fire]
Stan, Kyle: Alright!
Kenny: (That's awesome) [coughs heavily]
Kyle: You've had that cough a while, Kenny. You okay?
Kenny: (All right. I'm fine.)
Butters: [rushing up to them] Hehehey, fellas! Ah, hey fellas!
Stan: What, Butters?
Butters: Eric says you gotta come to his house right away.
Stan: Tell him we're busy.
Butters: Oh, ah, well, he knew you'd say that, so, he told me to tell you that you don't wanna miss this.
Kyle: What, did he lose a hundred pounds? [the boys laugh]
Butters: Yeah, he ah knew you'd say that, too, so he said t'say, uh, up your ass, Jew. [the boys stop laughing and look at him] Yeah.
Stan: Alright, let's go see what he wants. [the boys turn right and leave. Butters stays behind and looks at the melted turds. He approaches, squats, and sticks his finger in it]
Butters: Oh, it's all sticky. [wipes his finger off on his coat, leaving a streak of turd on it]
Scene Description: Cartman's house, minutes later. The three other boys approach him in the living room. Cartman can barely contain his glee.
Kyle: Alright, Cartman! What's so important you had to pull us away from lighting cow crap on fire?!
Cartman: Oh you guys, you're not gonna believe it!
Stan: What?
Cartman: Guess what I have sitting in my back yard?
Kyle: A trampoline?
Cartman: Better.
Stan: A boat?
Cartman: Better.
Kenny: (A football machine?)
Cartman: Better.
Stan: Well WHAT, Cartman?
Cartman: Thirty-three aborted fetuses. [the boys look back at him for a long time] Oh yes.
Kyle: ...What? [closes his eyes in disbelief]
Cartman: Mint condition, tax free.
Stan: Cartman, what the hell are you doing with aborted fetuses?!
Kyle: I'm leaving right now! [turns and heads for the door]
Cartman: Oh, I guess you don't watch the news, Kyle!
Kyle: [turns around] You've never watched the news, fatass! [rejoins Stan and Kenny] And what the hell does that have to do with anything?!
Cartman: Stem cells, numbnuts!
Stan: Stem cells?
Kyle: Oh, and what do you know about stem cells?!
Kenny: (What the fuck are stem cells?)
Kyle: They're cells that come from fetuses, and some research show that they could be used to treat diseases.
Cartman: [points at Kyle] It's been proven, Jew! I saw it on 3-2-1 Contact. With all the research that's going on, stem cells are worth three times their weight in gold. What I have in my back yard is an aborted treasure chest.
Kyle: ...I hate you so much. [turns around and heads back for the door again. The others turn and follow. Kenny coughs again.]
Cartman: Fine! I don't need you assholes! I can sell these fetuses all on my own!
Scene Description: Cartman's house, later. He's up in his room placing cold calls to business he finds in the Yellow Pages.
Cartman: Hello. Is this the University of Colorado Biology Department? ...Great, uh I understand you're currently doing research on stem cells? Kewl, because I'm currently in possession of some aborted fetuses that I'm looking to unload? ...Uh, how much do you pay? ...No, no, come on, ah I got a guy who's gonna give me eighty dollars a pound right now. ...How about a hundred? ...Oh you're breaking my balls- I, I'll think about it. [later] Bosnod Medical Group? ...Yeah, I called earlier about the stem cells and the fetuses? ...Okay, hi Randy, yeah. ...Oh yes, they've been kept in a cool temperature, yeah. ...These are primo fetuses, Randy, I wouldn't jerk you around. ...So what can your company give me for 'em? ...Oh Randy, you're breaking my balls here. ...You're breaking my balls, Randy. [later] Oh plehease! Okay, you tell me where you can get aborted fetuses for seventy cents on the dollar? You tell me, Chuck? ...Yeah, I didn't think so-You know, I'm just like the fetuses, Chuck. I wasn't born yesterday, either. Uh huh. ...So are you gonna talk to me, or are we just gonna keep bullshitting each other? Breakin' my balls, Chuck. [later] I gotta unload these fetuses, you wanna do some research. Are we talkin' here or what? You're breaking my balls. ...I'm telling you, if you let this deal pass you by, you're making a fetal mistake. [suddenly grins and covers the receiver with his right hand] That's a joke [removes his hand from the receiver] ...A hundred ten. ...Alright, alright, we got a deal. ...Good bye. [hangs up and relaxes, putting his feet up on his desk and his hands behind his head] Damn I'm good.
Scene Description: Alder Research Group, some days later. Cartman enters, hauling the thirty-three aborted fetuses behind him in a wagon. Workers around the lab move stuff around
Receptionist: Can I help you?
Cartman: Yes, I'm making a delivery of these fetuses hyah?
Receptionist: Oh, right, the fetuses. We were very lucky you called. Our last shipment of fetuses was lost in a truck accident.
Cartman: [rips out a bill...] Gee, that's terrible. So, uh who do I talk to about payment?
Researcher: [in the background, walking by] This is awful, just awful!
Receptionist: Oh Larry! This young man has some new fetuses for research.
Cartman: [picks up and carries a box] You're gonna love these fetuses, Larry. They're top notch.
Larry: [the researcher] Oh well, I'm sorry, but we can't buy those from you now.
Cartman: ...What?! We made a deal, Larry! I brought them all the way down here already!
Larry: I'm afraid the government has just put a ban on stem-cell research.
Receptionist: A ban? Why?
Larry: Too many people were upset about using aborted fetal tissue for a study. It's too bad, too. We really coulda helped a lot of people.
Cartman: [Cartman's mouth opens in disbelief, then he gets angry] Ay! What the hell am I supposed to do with these things, huh?! Goddammit! [throws the box down on the floor, breaking it and spilling its contents. Now there are thirty-two aborted fetuses]
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, next day. The kids are filling their seats. Stan and Kyle enter the classroom
Stan: Dude, it looks like Cartman and Kenny are ditching school again.
Kyle: [he and Stan take their seats] Yeah, they're gonna get busted again.
Ms. Choksondik: [enters carrying a few books] Alright, class, let's take our seats. [sets the book down on her desk and turns to the class] Now, uh, before we get started, Stan and Kyle? Uh, the principal needs to see you in her office.
Stan: The principal? Aw, come on!
Kyle: We don't know where Cartman is, Ms. Choksondik!
Ms. Choksondik: She needs to see you now! [points to the door. Stan and Kyle leave their seats, Kyle leading Stan]
Kyle: Aw man, here we go again! Use the Jew as a scapegoat.
Scene Description: Principal Victoria's office, moments later. Stan and Kyle enter expecting the usual lecture, but are surprised to see their parents on either side of Principal Victoria and Mr. Mackey
Principal Victoria: Hello, boys.
Stan: Wait. What's going on here? [he and Kyle back up a bit. Their parents join them]
Kyle: Alright, we don't know for sure why Cartman is ditching school, but it has something to do with abortion. That's all we know.
Mr. Mackey: [Chef has joined the principal and Mr. Mackey] You didn't do anything wrong boys. We just need to talk to you. Have a seat. [the boys each take a chair and sit down] Boys, uh... your little friend Kenny went to the hospital last night, m'kay. [the boys look stunned] And well, he's pretty sick. [Sharon leans on Randy]
Kyle: Kenny's sick?
Stan: Well how sick?
Chef: Children, Kenny has been diagnosed with a... terminal disease.
Stan: [after a pause] ...but... the doctors are gonna make him better, right?
Sharon: Oh dear. [buries her face in Randy's shoulder]
Stan: Mom? That's what hospitals are for. They, they can make him better.
Sharon: Randy...
Randy: They don't think so, Stanley. Your... your friend is terminally ill, and that means.. Well son,... th- that means he's going to be going to heaven soon.
Kyle: Wait. Kenny's going to die?
Gerald: ...He might, Kyle.
Stan: [tearing up] ...But... he's our... fu... fufu- friend.
Mr. Mackey: We know, and that's why he's going to need you boys to be strong for him, m'kay? He needs you now more than ever.
Stan: No! This can't happen! Kenny can't die! Kenny can't die!! [buries his face in Randy's arm and begins sobbing]
Scene Description: Cartman's hosue, day. He's upstairs in his room placing cold calls anew.
Cartman: Come on, Jack, you gotta be able to offer me more than that. ...Yes, I realize there's a ban on stem-cell research, but I've got thirty-some-odd human fetuses in my backyard! I'm sure there's other research your company can do with them. ...You'll take one? Okay, how much for one? ...Aw, Jack, you're breaking my balls here, Jack.:[later. There are now thirty-one] Yes, hello, is this Captain Bly's Seafood Restaurant? ...Yeah, hi, I've got a shipment of about thrity-one of the most succulent shrimp from the West Indies. ...These are killer shrimp, Gary, your customers are gonna love 'em. ...What kind of price you payin' for shrimp? ...Oh, Gary, you're breakin' my balls, Gary. How about ten and a quarter? ...Balls, Gary. Breakin' 'em. ...Alright, I'll call you back. [hangs up and sighs deeply]
Liane: [opens the door and looks in] Sweetie, your friends are downstairs. They need to see you.
Cartman: Not now, Mom, I've only unloaded three feti; I've gotta sell the rest before they spoil.
Liane: They say it's an emergency.
Cartman: [shifts in his chair] Buh, alright. [Liane leaves] eh, Butters?
Butters: [steps into view in Cartman's room] Uh, yeah?
Cartman: Are you through databasing the clientele sheet?
Butters: Eh, just about.
Cartman: [leaving his chair and heading for his door] Alright, well, you gotta take over the telemarketing for a bit.
Butters: Oh. Well, uh okay. [approached Cartman's chair and hops on]
Cartman: [turns around] Just remember what I taught you and follow protocol. Next number to try is on the list.
Butters: Right. [picks up the phone and checks out the next number. Cartman leaves. Butters starts dialing] Uh hello? Is this Mr. Thompson with Anatomy Research? ...Yes, uh, hello sir. Uh, aah, we have a surplus of unborn fetuses that we think you can use for a ...dissection study. Uh huh, ah, how much do you pay for that? ...You're breaking my balls. ...I said, you're breaking my balls, Mr. Thompson. ...My, my balls.
Scene Description: Living room, moments later. Cartman reaches the foot of the stairs.
Cartman: What is this, a PTA meeting? [before him stand his mother, Sheila, Kyle, and Stan. Stan's head hangs forward as he looks down]
Kyle: Cartman. [pause] Kenny's in the hospital.
Cartman: [shock and distress flashes across his face] In the ...hospital? Why?
Kyle: They told us he has a m-muscular disease. An and, that ...and that he, he might die. [Stan raises his head and looks at Kyle]
Cartman: [more worried] Die? Kenny?
Stan: [looks up at Kyle] Don't you say that! Kenny's not gonna die!
Sheila: I'm going to go take the boys to go see him at the hospital, Eric. We thought you might wanna come.
Cartman: Yeah. Yeah, of course. Let me get my coat. [turns and goes up the stairs]
Scene Description: Hell's Pass Hospital, day. Kenny lies in a bed in a patient room with an IV unit attached
Doctor: [fixing an IV for Kenny] There we go, little buddy.
Kenny: (Thank you, Doc.)
Doctor: You sure you don't wanna take your jacket off; it's pretty warm.
Kenny: (I'm all right)
Nurse: Hey, look who has some visitors. [walks in with Stan, Kyle, and Cartman]
Doctor: Hmm, what a lucky little man. We'll be right outside if you need us, Kenny. [the nurse and doctor leave the room.]
Kyle: [volunteers] Hey dude, how's it going?
Kenny: (I'm okay, I guess.)
Cartman: We got you a present: it's a Gobo fighter.
Kyle: Heh, don't, don't tell him what it is, dude.
Cartman: Heh, sorry. [Stan remains speechless. Kenny looks at his friends and coughs violently]
Kyle: Hey, uh- we were all just talkin' about how when you get better, we're all gonna go down to Stark's Pond again and go camping. Huh, Stan?
Stan: [finds his voice] I- [looks at Kenny, then at Kyle, then at Kenny, and rushes out the door]
Scene Description: Hell's Pass Hospital, day, outside. Stan rushes out the front door, Kyle pursuing
Kyle: [looks around] Stan? [sees him and follows] Stan, where are you going?
Stan: I can't, I just can't.
Kyle: Dude, he needs us right now.
Stan: [turns around] I can't see him like that, Kyle. All those hoses and wires. He's a kid, dude. He's s'posed to be running around and laughing.
Kyle: I, I know it's tough but- [Stan turns away] Look at me! [turns him back around] I know it's tough, okay?! I know! But we have to be tough right now!
Stan: And what are we supposed to do, huh?! Stand in that room and keep making small talk?! Make believe like everything's okay?! I CAN'T DO IT!
Kyle: Look, however hard you think it for you, it's a lot harder for him!
Stan: [turns around and walks away] Just leave me alone!
Kyle: Stan, you can't leave!
Stan: [turns once more, with tears in his eyes] I'm not the one who's leaving, he is! [turns and leaves. Kyle turns to go back to the hospital, but sighs silently]
Scene Description: Hell's Pass Hospital, day, Kenny's room. Cartman was left alone with Kenny as Kyle went after Stan
Cartman: [with emotion in his voice] ...You know, it's funny, Kenny. Stan and Kyle have always been sort of two best friends, you know, and... well I- I don't know if I ever told you this, Kenny, but um... I kind of always thought you were my best f-friend. I don't know.
Kenny: (Eric, well you're my best friend, too.)
Nurse: [opens the door and looks in] Okay, we're gonna need to get Kenny some time to sleep now.
Cartman: Don't you worry, Kenny. I I'm gonna find a cure for you. Everything's gonna be okay! [walks towards the door. The nurse leaves, then Cartman exits]
Scene Description: Hospital corridor, Hell's Pass Hospital. Cartman appears outside the door with a long face, chokes up, and faces the wall to cry
Kyle: [returning to Kenny's room] Cartman?
Cartman: [composes himself] Oh, Kyle. Hey, what's goin' down, Jew-boy? [sniffles]
Kyle: Cartman, were you... crying?
Cartman: ' No! No, I mean, I, I got somethin' in my eyes. It's this uh, the air in here is just- uh. [breaks down again, but tries to hide it] Oh man.
Kyle: Hey Cartman. [Cartman looks up and turns around] I care a lot about him, too. [Cartman wells up again, and Kyle reaches out to hug him]
Cartman: I'm gonna find a cure, Kyle. I swear to God I'm gonna find a cure.
Kyle: [comforting him] Sure you will, Cartman. Sure you will.
Scene Description: Alder Research Group, next day. Inside, employees are packing away their computers and other office equipment
Larry: [enters with Cartman] This is where the bulk of our research was being done. But due to the government ban, we're mostly just packing things up.
Cartman: Doctor, can you tell me exactly how stem cells work?
Larry: Look, you have trillions of cells in your body: heart cells, skin cells, brain cells, and so on. But before a cell is designated as a toenail cell or a pancreas cell, it's what we call a stem cell. Sort of like a blank cell. Do you understand?
Cartman: Not at all, but go on. [they both turn and approach a table. On the table is a cage with a rat inside it.]
Larry: Because these cells are blanks, they will often program themselves based on what cells you put around them. You see this rat? Earlier this year, we surgically removed the middle of her spine. then we injected her with some stem cells and... they became the missing part of the spine.
Cartman: My God...
Larry: Nerve cells damaged by Parkinson's disease or heart tissue of cardiac patients might ultimately be replaced by tissue grown from stem cells.
Cartman: So then, could stem cells be used on someone whose muscle tissue is wasting away? In other words, if a little boy was dying from a muscular disease, the stem cells could become new muscle tissue.
Larry: That's the theory.
Cartman: Well, so then, if the stem cells are placed nest to s Shakey's Pizza, they would become another Shakey's Pizza! And you'd have your own Shakey's Pizza where you didn't have to charge yourself to eat!
Larry: Well, no. To build another Shake's it would be better to use lumber.
Cartman: Hmmm.
Larry: But, unfortunately, the government has banned stem cell research and so... we'll never know.
Cartman: Looks like someone is gonna have to try and change the government's mind. [turns around and heads for the exit]
Larry: Where are you going?
Cartman: There's a pretty brave kid fighting for his life in the hospital right now, doctor. I'm gonna get him some bigger boxing gloves.
Larry: Hey kid. [music stops, then a pause] Give 'em hell. Give 'em hell. [strikes his fists together, one over the other. Cartman returns the gesture with a thumbs-up, then walks off... then stops]
Cartman: Oh, doctor. [Larry turns around. Cartman has his thumb up] Thanks. Thanks. [Larry returns the gesture with his own thumb up, and Cartman leaves again.]
Larry: Oh, hey kid. [Cartman returns] Good luck. Good luck. [Cartman gives a thumb up, walks away, then backs up]
Cartman: Oh, and doctor. ...Ah, never mind. [walks away]
Scene Description: Hell's Pass Hospital, day, Kenny's room. The McCormicks, Kyle, and Chef are present. Kyle has with him a bunch of get-well cards from the other students in his class. The bed is seen from an angle
Kyle: ...And see? Here's one from Butters. It says, "We can't wait to see you back in school, Kenny." And it has a picture of him and you in a little airplane! [shows him the picture: Butters and Kenny are in a little yellow biplane]
Chef: Oh, isn't that nice? You've got lots of friends, don't you Kenny?
Kenny: (Yes.) [coughs a bit] (But what about Stan?)
Kyle: Stan? Oh. Well, no, there's nothing here from Stan, but, well, Stan's gonna come and see you real soon, I bet, Kenny.
Kenny: (I hope so)
Nurse: [opens the door] Hey, look who's here.
Kenny: [perks up a bit] (Stan??)
Woman: [walks in with balloons and an assistant] Hello, Kenny, I'm Laura Jones, and this is Bob Ferrin.
Bob: We're with the Make-A-Wish Foundation. [a cameraman walks in and moves to the head of Kenny's bed]
Ms. McCormick: Oh, Kenny, isn't that nice?
Kenny: (The Make-A-Wish Foundation?)
Laura: We travel the country given special little boys and girls like you their biggest wish.
Kyle: Neat, huh Kenny?
Kenny: (Yes.)
Laura: So Kenny, if you could have ONE wish, what would it be? [there's no answer. A moment of silence]
Bob: What's your wish, pal?
Kenny: (I guess the only thing I wish is to not die.)
Laura: What did he say?
Kyle: He said his wish is not to die. [a long stretch of silence in which the cameraman looks from person to person.]
Laura: ...O-kay, and, what if you're gonna have two wishes, what would the second one be?
Bob: I know! I bet you wanna meet Madonna, huh?
Kenny: (No. Fuckin' Madonna...) [his words trail off and are hard to understand]
Bob: Wu- what was that?
Kyle: He said Madonna is an old anorexic whore who wore out her welcome years ago, and that now she suddenly speaks with a British accent and she thinks she can play guitar and she should go fuck herself. [the Foundation reps are stunned. Madonna appears in the doorway]
Madonna: Should I come in now?
Bob: Uh no not quite yet.
Scene Description: The cow pasture, day. Stan has come here to reflect on Kenny's hospitalization. He sits on a log resting his head on his hands and watches as a cow drops a load of dung next to the log. He strikes a match and tosses it on the dung. The dung lights up and burns
Chef: [approaches] Hello there, children.
Stan: Hey Chef.
Chef: How's it goin'?
Stan: Bad.
Chef: Yeah. Things have been better.
Stan: Why would God let Kenny die, Chef? Why? Kenny's my fr-f-f-friend. Why can't God take someone else's f-f-friend?
Chef: [sighs] Stan, sometimes God takes those closest to us, because it makes him feel better about himself. He is a very vengeful God, Stan. He's all pissed off about something we did thousands of years ago. He just can't get over it, so he doesn't care who he takes. Children, puppies, it don't matter to him, so long as it makes us sad. Do you understand.
Stan: But then, why does God give us anything to start with?
Chef: Well, look at it this way: if you want to make a baby cry, first you give it a lollipop. Then you take it away. If you never give it a lollipop to begin with, then it would have nothin' to cry about. That's like God, who gives us life and love and help just so that he can tear it all away and make us cry, so he can drink the sweet milk of our tears. You see, it's our tears, Stan, that give God his great power. [pause]
Stan: I think I understand.
Scene Description: Capitol Hill, Washington DC
Cartman: My name is Eric Cartman and I live in Colorado. My best friend in the whole world is Kenny McCormick and he, he's sick right now. He's real sick. He's only eight years old and his doctors don't think he has very long to live. Look, I realize that using the tissue from aborted fetuses for research is a touchy subject, but... All I know is that if there's a chance, a... chance that stem-cell research could save my best friend's life, well... I guess I owe it to him to try and change your minds. [a shot of Congress] I love Kenny McCormick and... [sob] I want you to love him too. [cries as Congresspeople look to each other] And I uh, I'm not the best speaker in the world. Maybe I can put it best in the words of a timeless song [takes a deep breath] It was the heat of the moment telling me what your heart meant The heat of the moment shone in your eyes I never meant to be so bad to you One thing I said that I would never do
Congressman 1: One look from you and I would fall from grace.
Congressman 2: 'And that would wipe the smile right from my face.
Congressman 1, Cartman: Do you remember when we used to dance? [three Congressmen perform the following: two leg slaps and a clap]
A few Congressmen: And incidents arose from circumstance? [more Congressmen perform the moves]
Everyone: One thing led to another; we were young [everyone does the moves, and the result is thunderous] And we would scream together songs unsung It was the heat of the moment Telling me what our hearts meant The heat of the moment shone in your eyes
Scene Description: Planned Parenthood, day. Cartman, in shirt and tie, is outside with clipboard in hand, talking to a woman about to have an abortion.
Cartman: And so you see, now that the ban on stem-cell research has been lifted, we can sell your fetus to companies like Alder Labs.
Woman: Oh, I don't know.
Cartman: Look, I can offer you seventy-five dollars for that fetus right now, Jill.
Jill: Seventy-five dollars? Well, alright.
Cartman: [hands the clipboard over for her to sign the release form] Great, just sign right here, please. [another woman arrives] Hi. Havin' an abortion today? [Jill hands him the clipboard back, then heads for the clinic] Great. [to the second woman] Listen, if you'd like to sell your abortion for research I'm offering uh, seventy-five dollars. Help you out a little bit with your medical bill in there. [she nods and reaches for the clipboard.] And you sign right here. [hands her the clipboard and she signs. A couple passes by] Uh excuse me, ma'am. Can I interest you in selling your aborted fetus? [the second woman enters the clinic]
Woman 2: We're not going to the abortion clinic. I'm going to have this baby.
Cartman: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, because uh, there's a little boy dying in a hospital right now who sure could use that baby more than you could. The stem cells from your fetus could help save his life.
Man: Oh. Well, I guess we can always... just make another one.
Woman 2: Oh Mark, I love you.
Cartman: Alright! Now Kenny has a fighting chance.
Scene Description: Hell's Pass Hospital, day. Stan enters with a package, his faith renewed, his confidence strong, and makes his way down the hall, passing people as he goes
Head nurse: [at her station] Young man, do you know where you're going?
Stan: Yeah. I'm gonna see my friend, because he needs me right now.
Head nurse: All right! [Stan passes a man in a wheelchair]
Man on wheelchair: Go kid! [Stan passes a man on crutches]
Man on crutches: Good for you! [Stan passes a doctor and nurse, and they smile]
Scene Description: Hell's Pass Hospital, Kenny's room. Stan enters happily
Stan: Hey, Kenny! [grins, then is stunned. The room is empty. Kenny is gone. Due to terminal illness.] Oh no. [Kyle walks up to the room, but stays outside] No.
Kyle: He just... He just... stopped breathing. And it was over.
Stan: But... [a shot of the bed reveals a teddy bear on the floor] I didn't get to see him. Hell I, I didn't get to sssay good-bye. [another shot of the bed reveals a teddy bear on the floor] Did he say anything before he went?
Kyle: He just said... "Where's Stan?"
Scene Description: South Park Church, some days later, day.
Mr. Garrison: And so, we will all miss Kenny, his playful laughter, his innocent smile. But we will never forget that it was because of brave Kenny that stem-cell research was allowed to continue.
Stan: I let Kenny down. I'm his worst f-f-f-friend. [the doors fly open and Cartman walks in. He sees his friends and they look back.]
Cartman: You guys! Come quick! [Stan and Kyle look surprised]
Kyle: What, Cartman?
Cartman: It's... [Cartman turns around] Why, it's a miracle, you guys! [rushes out the door to a spot on the side of the road. Stan and Kyle follow.]
Scene Description: Outside, day. Cartman stops, but still bounces from joy. Stan and Kyle join him
Stan: What, Cartman? What's happened?
Cartman: Look. [across the street stands a Shakey's Pizza] I put the stem cells from all the fetuses I had next to a Shakey's, and they ARE replicating a new Shakey's! [oozing sounds are heard as a new Shakey's is indeed rising up next to the current one] It worked! [Kyle is shocked.]
Stan: This whole time, you were just using Kenny's illness to lift the ban on stem cell research so you could sell your stupid fetuses?
Cartman: Stupid fetuses? It's my own Shakey's!
Kyle: I actually hugged you. I held you in my arms and, and, cried with you.
Cartman: I think I only need a hundred or so more aborted babies, [Kyle turns and faces him angrily] and I can finish up the kitchen.
Kyle: AAARGH! [jumps up on Cartman and starts pummeling him. Cartman tosses him off]
Cartman: Aah! Kyle! [Kyle punches him across the face a few times] Kyle! [Kyle delivers a series of punches to the chest]
Stan: Hey, I wasn't Kenny's worst f-f-f-friend! [Kyle gives Cartman a good roundhouse right and Cartman falls on the ground, face first.] Cartman was! [Kyle continues beating Cartman up]


Scene Description: Butters' home, night. Butters enters the living room with a wrapped gift in hand. He walks up to his parents. His mom is polishing an end table while his father reads the newspaper on the sofa beside it.
Butters: Heh-alright, Mom, I'm all done wrappin' Dad's anniversary present for ya.
Chris: Oh, is it someone's anniversary soon? [chuckles]
Linda: [puts her hands on her hips] Oh, you!
Chris: Just kidding. [lowers the newspaper and takes the gift from Butters and shakes it] Oh, I wonder what it is.
Butters: It's a- [covers his mouth for a second, then looks down] Awww, shucks, [looks at his dad] I can't tell you. Uh, but it's really nifty.
Chris: Well, looks like we're gonna have to do somethin' extra-special for Mommy and Daddy's anniversary this year. How about on Saturday we all go have dinner at Bennigan's!
Butters: Bennigan's?? Oh, boy, you mean it?? [starts running around the coffee table in excitement] Whoopee, at Bennigan's I'm gonna get the Rain Champ baby-back ribs! [stops and bounces with excitement]
Linda: Calm down there, cowboy. You've still got four days.
Butters: Four days? Oh, I don't know how I'm gonna wait that long!
Scene Description: A montage of Butter's previous appearances in South Park fills the screen. Then the picture of Butters with a Barbie doll grows to fill the screen. Then as this chorus is song, the following scenes appear: Butters at Picture Day - a lock of hair pops straight up as his picture is taken. He tries out for Fingerbang. He turns around and is about to show his "fruit bowl." He puts on a condom. He's with Token and Timmy at the drugstore. He says a few lines in the "Helen Keller! The Musical" play. He gets his hair cut at the David Blaine complex. He's with his fellow Angels, then slides down a rope and bumps into Mr. Garrison, then hops off.
Choir: Who's the boy that can laugh at a storm cloud? Turn a frown into a smile for free? Who's the kid with a heart full of magic? Everyone knows it's Butters!
Scene Description: 'It's "The Butters Show"' appears over a wallpaper design of Butters' head. This is the show's splash screen
Butters: [pops out through an exploding hole and points to himself with his thumb] That's me.
Scene Description: Next scenes: Butters in Mr. Mackey's basement. Butters tied to the feet of the Provider, a statue of John Elway. Butters keeping his class informed of what the kindergartners were doing while the class practices its play. Butters asking a question in class about using shit in the expletive. Butters delivering a tape to a reporter. Butters peeking through a door in the hotel NAMBLA is meeting at. Butters figuring out how to open the condom. Stan grabbing Butters angrily. Butters rubbing some cow dung on his jacket after finding the dung sticky. Butters calling upon Pele to make his volcano work.
Choir: Who's the boy with the eyes full of wonder? Who thinks being yourself is the best thing to be? Who's that rascal with the tweezers in his pocket? Everyone knows it's Butters!
Butters: [In the splash screen, claps his fists together in the hole] That's me.
Scene Description: Next scenes: Butters jumps into a puddle. Butters runs down the hall to the theater proper. Butters petting a white goat. Butters holds a picture of himself and John Elway. Butters talking in the playground, holding his tooth. Kyle finds Butters on the street, after Butters tags a wall. Butters in a truck, with hockey mask on his head. Butters wondering how to not get anthrax. Butters as a Confederate officer. Butters taking over for Cartman on the phone. Butters talking in class. Butters talking to some kids in the playground. Butters as a gas station attendant after the adults are sent to prison for molesting their children. Butters with Stan and Kyle in the orientation meeting at David Blaine's complex. Butters at his window. Butters fainting after holding his breath too long trying to not get anthrax.
Choir: Jumpin' in puddles, skippin' down the hallway Pettin' at the petting zoo. He loves John Alway. [Butters, with pic of himself and John Elway, corrects the choir: "Elway!"] Who's that tyke with the cutest little dimples, Battin' his eyes at every puppy he sees? If you look inside yourself, you might be surprised when you find A little boy named Butters!
Butters: [In the splash screen, the hole he was in is gone] That's me, [brings his fists together twice.] Yeah. [walks off to his left].
Scene Description: Return to Butters' living room. His mom is dusting off a portrait on the wall as his dad returns to reading the newspaper
Butters: [making calculations on a sheet of paper at the coffee table] Three more days till we eat at Bennigan's. That's s-seventy-two hours. Aw gee whiz.
Chris: [rises and walks over to Mom] Well, if you two will excuse me, I need to go and buy a certain special lady her anniversary present. [hugs her gently]Linda: I hope he means me, haha. [Dad turns and walks to the door.]Butters: Don't be silly, Mom. Of course he means you.
Chris: [at the front door] I'll be back in a little bit. [Butters rises to see him off] Butters, you're in charge of the house.
Butters: [salutes] Yes sir! [Dad exits and closes the door. Butters moves back to the table.]
Linda: [walking towards the door] Oh, I wonder what he's gonna get me this year?
Butters: We won't know until we're at Bennigan's.
Linda: [walks around Butters to the other end of the coffee table] Every year it's the same. Your father gets me some great gift and my gift to him falls short. [walks away towards the camera and stops, wondering] I've just got to outdo him this year, I've just got to.
Butters: Dad's a good shopper all right.
Linda: [kneels beside Butters] Butters, maybe you could secretly follow your dad and see what he's getting me.
Butters: You mean, spy on him? Uh but... ain't that kind of like... fibbin'?
Linda: [rises and goes to the computer] No, it's a little different. You remember when the nice policeman gave you a badge and made you an honorary inspector? [takes a badge from the desk and shows it to Butters.]
Butters: Sure I do!
Linda: Why, I think Inspector Butters could find out what Daddy'd getting Mommy without him ever knowing. [hands the badge to Butters, who puts it on] What do you say?
Butters: [salutes her] Inspector Butters in on the case, ma'am! [walks away]
Scene Description: "The Butters Show" splash screen, but now only "Butters" is on the screen.
Choir: Everyone know it's Butters!
Butters: [pops out through an exploding hole and points to himself with his thumb] Uh, that's me!
Scene Description: South Park, night, the seedy side of town. Butter's father walks down the street and stops at a corner. He sees a pawn shop across the street and walks towards it. He turns and looks around the street, then puts on a hat and turns up the collar on his shirt. He walks back the way he came. Butters has arrived and sees him from behind a bush across the street. Butters has on his own disguise - a handlebar mustache - and carries a note pad, on which he takes notes of his father's every move. He pops out from behind the bush. His father looks around to make sure no one is following and arrives at Studcat Theater to see "Fisting Firemen 9." He looks around as he enters, and the doors close behind him
Butters: [takes down the info he sees] Hm. Dad's going to see a movie. How nice.
Scene Description: Butters' father soon leaves the theater and walks towards a men's bath house, the White Swallow Spa. He arrives and rings the doorbell. He looks around both ways and enters as soon as the buzzer sounds. Butters looks on from behind a trash can across the street
Butters: [writes down] "White Swallow Bath House"
Scene Description: "The Butters Show" splash screen
Choir: Everyone know it's Butters!
Butters: [pops out through an exploding hole and points to himself with his thumb] Uh, that's me!
Scene Description: Butters' house, night. He's returned from his tour of espionage and finds his mother in the kitchen cutting carrots into slices
Butters: I'm back, Ma!
Linda: Oh, hi sweetie. Did you get to follow your dad around?
Butters: I sure did. [walks over to the breakfast table and takes a seat] Dad sure had a nice night out.
Linda: Well, did you see what he got me for our anniversary?
Butters: Well first, he went to see a movie.
Linda: A movie? Hmmm. I wonder why he'd wanna see a movie by himself.
Butters: I don't know. But it wasn't the movie theater at the mall. No, it was that, really old theater downtown. The Studcat. [Mom freezes] I didn't know it was open. [a look of dread is on her face]
Linda: Wait a minute. What was the movie called?
Butters: "Fisting Firemen 9" [her dread turns to shock] I've never seen 1 through 8.
Linda: Oh my God...
Butters: Uh but it must have been a real short movie, though, because Dad came out, like, ten minutes later. ...And it must have been a sad film, too, because, he had a bunch of tissue paper with him when he came out. Poor old Dad, the movie really got to him.
Linda: Butters, where did Daddy go after the movie?
Butters: To the gym.
Linda: To the gym?
Butters: Yeah. The White Swallow Spa.
Linda: [stung by that revelation] Gaah!
Butters: Yep. He went in there and wrestled with all kinds o' guys. He wasn't too good, though. This one black guy had him pinned down for fifteen minutes straight!
Linda: [really shocked] ...Butters? Are you sure about this? You have to be absolutely sure!
Butters: Inspector Butters gets all the facts. I even got some neato pictures. [holds them up for his mom to see. She walks over and takes them from him. She sees her husband gong into the theater, then into the spa, then being rammed by a man from behind...] The only thing I can't figure out is why dad told you he was goin' shoppin' for your present when he was goin' out to see the movies an' wrestlin'. [his mom faints right to the floor] Oh, did you have a nice "trip," Mom? See you next "fall." Hahaha, yo- Ma?
Scene Description: "The Butters Show" splash screen
Choir: ...Butters!
Butters: [pops out through an exploding hole and points to himself with his thumb] Uh, that's me!
Scene Description: Butters' house, day. He's working with Lego blocks at the coffee table while his mom works on the wall behind him, painting over one shade of green with a lighter shade. Her hair is a mess.
Linda: [in a fractured, disturbed voice] Paaiint. Must paaiint. Everything clean. Paaiint.
Chris: Well, honey, you've painted the entire house. Three times.
Linda: Must paaiint. Everything clean. Everything new!
Chris: [approaches Butters] Say Butters, m-I'm havin' real trouble finding an anniversary present for Mom. Any ideas?
Butters: Hm. Uh-I can't think of one.
Chris: Well then, it looks like I'm gonna have to go out shopping again. [walks towards the front door.]
Linda: [paints furiously now] Ungh. Paaiint. Everything clean. Everything new. Paaiint.
Chris: [opens the door] I'll be back in a little while. [exits]
Butters: [walks over to the door] Should I go see what he gets you again, Mom?
Linda: I don't think Daddy's shopping. I think Daddy's going out wrestling again. [rolls some paint on him downwards] Paaiint. [rolls some paint on him upwards] Paaiint. [turns around and walks away, leaving a confused Butters behind] Must be made clean. New.
Butters: Hey, a new paint brush. That's what Dad could get Mom for their anniversary. I gotta go tell him. [opens the door and exits.]
Linda: [alone with her thoughts in front of a family photo] Must clean Butters. [paints over her face] Clean. Never be clean. Must... [paints over Butters' face] kill? The only way? Must kill Butters. [paints some more over their faces] Paaiint.
Scene Description: "The Butters Show" splash screen
Choir: ...Butters!
Butters: [pops out through an exploding hole and points to himself with his thumb] That's me!
Scene Description: The White Swallow Spa, night. Butters is at its front doors and rings the buzzer. The doors open and he enters He jumps up and gives the attendant some money - $10.
Butters: One please.
Attendant: Locker two thirteen! [a towel pops out through a dispenser next to the window]
Butters: Uh thanks! [takes the towel and heads for the spa's locker room.]
Scene Description: The locker room. The camera pans across the locker room and shows nothing but men in towels. Some of them are exercising, others just chat.
Butters: [appears in the doorway] Dad? [walks in] Dad, you in here?
Scene Description: A hallway. Butters happens upon a wooden door with a small window in the upper half. He looks up at the window, then enters the room.
Butters: Hello? Eh-anybody in here?
Man: [voice only] There, do you think that works?
Mr. Garrison: [voice only] Well, that's four fingers; try five.
Butters: Uh, Mr. Garrison?
Mr. Garrison: ...Who is that?!
Scene Description: The main hallway. Butters enters and checks the first door to his left. Two men walk towards the entrance and walk out
Butters: [reaches the second door to his left, which is ajar] Da-ad? Da-ad?? [pushes the door open] Are you wrestlin' in here? [gets a better look: two men are engaged in anal intercourse] Dad?
Mr. Slave: This room's taken.
Butters: Oh, uh, pardon me, sirs. [exits and closes that door, then moves to the opposite room and looks in] Dad? No. [leaves that room and moves to the third door to his right] Hm. [opens the door: his father is masturbating, but Butters doesn't know what that is.]
Chris: [sees his son at the door and quickly covers himself] OOH! BUTTERS!
Butters: Hi Dad! [waves and smiles]
Chris: [now with towel in hand] Oh God! Aaah! Ohhh!
Butters: I'm glad I found ya. I think I know the perfect anniversary present for Mom. But what are you doin' with your wiener out there, Dad?
Chris: [quite embarrassed, has the towel in position] Butters, you need... to leave here right now! You need to... get out of here, egeh... Go home and wait for me to talk to talk to you.
Butters: Oh. Well, alright then. Well, see ya at home. [backs out and closes the door]
Chris: [now distraught] Oh, Jesus, no. OH, what have I done?
Scene Description: "The Butters Show" splash screen
Choir: Everyone knows it's Butters!
Butters: [pops out through an exploding hole and points to himself with his thumb] That's me!
Scene Description: Butters' house, night. Butters' dad is in his study.
Chris: [closes a book, rises and calls out] Butters! Oh Butters! Could you come and see me in my study real quick?
Butters: [appears in the doorway] Uh, hey Dad.
Chris: Come here, son. [taps his lap. Butters enters and approaches] I wanna have a talk with you.
Butters: [hops onto his father's lap] Well, sure thing, Dad.
Chris: Son, I wanted to talk to you about lying.
Butters: Well, I know lying's bad, Dad. Y-you told me so.
Chris: Yes, it sure can be. [pause] But, there are also times when distorting the truth a little, uh, is appropriate. These are called "little white lies."
Butters: Little white lies?
Chris: You see, sometimes telling a little white lie is okay. Like, for instance, when you catch your father jacking off in a gay men's bath house.
Butters: ...Uh, who's Jack?
Chris: Butters, the point is that, I think that if you told Mommy what Daddy was doing tonight, well, she might go completely insane.
Butters: Oh no, that won't happen, Dad.
Chris: It won't? Oh, good.
Butters: Eh, no. Because I already told Mom and she's fine.
Chris: You... what?
Linda: [In the doorway] Butters, Mommy wants to take you for a little drive now.
Butters: A drive? Oh, boy! [puts his fists together twice] I- I love a good drive. Is Dad comin' too?
Linda: No, sweetie, Daddy needs to sit and think.
Butters: [hops off his dad's lap] Alright. See ya in a bit, Dad. [walks out after his mother] Oh boy, a drive!
Scene Description: Boat dock, night, some minutes later. Mom drives onto a boat ramp and edges close to the water. A song plays on the radio: "Jingle Bell Rock." She slows the car to a stop.
Butters: Oh, jeez, you wouldn't have believed how angry I was when Teacher said I had to share my fingerpaints, because I've been sharin' them all along.
Linda: [with a blank expression on her face] Butters, you know that Mommy loves you an awful lot, don't you?
Butters: Well, sure I do, Mom. I love you, too.
Linda: And sometimes mommies do things that seem hurtful to their babies, but it's really for the best.
Butters: Oh, you mean like the time you washed my mouth out with soap for sayin' "nutsack" in front of Grandma. Yeah, I need to behave myself.
Linda: If a mommy has to end her life, she can't let her baby alone in the world to be raised by a sick pervert.
Butters: Well, sure, that makes sense, I suppose, yeah. Hey, did you seen my mittens anywhere? [begins searching] It's cold out here.
Linda: I'm going to get out of the car now, Butters. [Butters looks up at her] I want you to stay put with your seat belt fastened.
Butters: Oh. Well, alright, Mom. O-o-okay then. [she moves the gear shift to neutral, releases the emergency brake, opens the driver-side door, and exits. She walks away from the water, and the car starts to move forward] You know, I think the car might be movin', Mom. [cut to a view of the water from the dock] Yep, I'm pretty sure the car is movin'. Looks like I'm headin' for the water.
Linda: [close up. Her hands are together, fingertips touching] Shhh. Shhh. It's okay, baby. Mommy will be with you very soon.
Butters: [a view of the dock from the water] Well, I think I- Yup, it looks like the car is fillin' up with water! [she turns away as the car leaves the dock] Yeah. I think right now might be a good time to try to get the car out, Mom! [she walks away]
Scene Description: "The Butters Show" splash screen
Choir: Everyone knows it's Butters!
Butters: [pops out through an exploding hole and points to himself with his thumb] That's me!
Scene Description: Butters' house, night, living room. His mom has returned home and is now writing a note. A noose hangs over the coffee table, ready for her to use when the time comes. His father, apparently, is not home
Linda: "Dear bastard husband," No. [scribbles over the words, then writes] "Dear lying sonofabitch," No. [scribbles over the words, then writes] "Dear assface," Yeah, that's it. "I will no longer-"
Chris: [enters the front door and quickly grasps the situation] Linda?? What are you doing?? [moves behind the sofa and to the lamp. Linda rises and quickly moves to the noose, then puts it on defiantly]
Linda: Stay away from me, bastard!
Chris: Linda, I know this is very hard-
Linda: [snaps back] You don't know anything!
Chris: I've been wanting to stop going to those places, Linda, but I couldn't. I still love you!
Linda: [sobbing] Then why, Chris, why?!
Chris: It just... it started as some curiosity on the Internet. I would chat with other married guys in the chat rooms and... Well the things they would talk about, Linda, I, I don't know why I found it exciting. I just did, and it, and it grew from there and it spun out of control, and- eh, ugh, DAMN YOU, INTERNET!
Linda: Well, [glares at him] you don't have to worry about your family being in your way anymore! [turns away and sobs]
Chris: No, Linda! I don't want that lifestyle! It's just kind of an addiction. I want help. And I'm going to get help. Please, just give me a chance to make this all up to you. [she removes the noose and falls to the floor] We can have a normal life!
Linda: There is no going back, Chris!
Chris: Sure there is!
Linda: No! [turns to face him] Our son is dead!
Chris: What?
Linda: [sobbing] I killed him. [collects her thoughts] I was going to end it all, and everything spun out of control for me. I drowned Butters in the car, Chris!
Chris: Oh no. [Linda cries loudly] No! No, no, Jesus! Linda, what were you thinking?
Linda: [snaps] I WASN'T THINKING! [catches her breath] I couldn't think! You destroyed my life, you! [points at him, then breaks down] Oh, God, what have I done?! Oh, Butter-her-hers-ss-ss- [dissolves into sobs]
Chris: [confused] This can't be happening! This is a bad dream.
Linda: Just go away and let me die! [sobs]
Chris: [genuflects next to her] No! Linda, we-
Linda: I'm a murderer, Chris! I don't have a life now! [lays down on the floor face first and pounds it with her right fist]
Chris: Linda, Butters is gone. [drops into thought] Oh Christ, if Butters is gone, then... there's nothing we can do about that. But I won't let you go to jail, I promise, Linda! Pleeease! [she start weeping, then he starts, and they both weep...]
Scene Description: A river, day. The family car come into view, floating down the river, with Butters still strapped in.
Butters: Oh, boy! This thing ain't never gonna stop! I must be all the way down to Denver by now. [the car floats down some more and crashes into some boulders. The passenger-side door flies open] Ohhh, whoopee! Finally. Uh now that the car has come to a stop, it's safe for me to unfasten my seat belt. [unfastens it and lets it go. He scrambles out and over the boulders] Boy, Mom must be- worried sick about- me right now. Ah I gotta get back home. [before him are some low hills and the Rockies in the background. No buildings in sight] Wuh gee whiz, where the heck am I?
Scene Description: "The Butters Show" splash screen
Choir: Everyone knows it's Butters!
Butters: [pops out through an exploding hole and points to himself with his thumb] That's me!
Scene Description: Butters' house, day. A News 4 crew is there, with reporter in place. So is a crowd of spectators and other news media
News 4 Reporter: Tom, I'm standing in front of the home of Chris and Linda Stotch. They're living every parent's nightmare right now, as last night, while Ms. Stotch was driving with her son in the car, a man stopped her, put a gun to her head, and took her son away. When asked who the man was, Ms. Stotch replied, "some Puerto Rican guy." Naturally, the police are in an all-out manhunt for some Puerto Rican guy. [the front door behind him opens and the Stotches appear] Uh, it looks like the parents are about to make a statement, Tom. [cameras start snapping pictures. Officer Barbrady and fellow police officers form a barricade to keep the crowd away from the podium.]
Reporter 1: Mrs. Stotch? Mrs. Stotch? Any word yet from the man who took your son?
Linda: No, no, not yet. But if you're out there, we beg you: we just want our baby returned safely back to us.
News 4 Reporter: Mrs. Stotch, what did the kidnapper look like?
Linda: Puerto Rican.
Reporter 2: Was he tall? Short?
Linda: He was... average Puerto Rican height. Please, just bring our baby back to me.
Scene Description: "The Butters Show" splash screen
Choir: ...Butters!
Butters: [pops out through an exploding hole and points to himself with his thumb] That's me!
Scene Description: The highway, day. He's in a Busy Beavers moving truck going uphill
Butters: And so then my friend started hollerin' at me, sayin' "you took my rubber bands." Well, I didn't take 'em, Craig, did. I saw Craig take 'em. Anyway, boy, I sure am lucky you came along, Mister.
Truck driver: Yeah. Too bad you're not a broad, 'cause I need some God-damned poontang.
Butters: Yeah. I could use some God-damned poontang myself right now. Have you ever been to Bennigan's, Mister? Oh, it sure is great. I'm goin' to Bennigan's tomorrow night with my family. Oh, I can just see it now. [dream sequence: the doors open and the family walks in] We'll walk in the front doors, [a smiling waitress welcomes them and leads them to their booth] and the nice Bennigan's hostess lady will take us to our cozy booth [Butters focuses on the booth bench, runs to it, and climbs on] Then we'll order some mozzarella sticks, for appetizers. [a waiter brings the dish over] Dad will open his present, and Mom will open hers [he gets a tie, she gets the paint brush, and they smile at the gifts] Uh then the Bennigan's wait staff will sing Happy Happy Anniversary from everyone at Bennigan's [the entire staff sings at the table as the family listens] Happy Happy Anniversary-eh from everyone at Bennigan's [the sequence is cut short as the driver gets annoyed] Happy Happy Anniversary from everyone at Bennigan's [the truck stops and the driver exits to make his way to the passenger side] Happy Ha- Whoa, are we stoppin' for sodas? Hey, can I have chocolate milk? [the driver opens the door, plucks Butters out, set him by the side of the road, closes the door, and heads back for the driver's side. He gets in and drives off. Butters watches him go, then turns to face the receding truck...] He must like TGI Fridays
Scene Description: Butters' house, day. The news crews and the crowd are gone. Inside, the parents sit on the sofa as the police and detectives handle the case. The phone rings. Chris rises, but the police chief stops him
Police chief: Let us handle it. [looks towards the phone] Barbrady?
Barbrady: [answers the phone] Hello?
Scene Description: Rob's Sassy Ladys titty bar. A few men sit around looking at an exotic dancer works her way around a pole. Butters is at a pay phone nearby
Butters: Oh. Hello? Uh, who is this?
Barbrady: Who is this?
Butters: Uh, is this the Stotch residence?
Barbrady: Yes. Are you calling about the abduction?
Butters: ...No.
Barbrady: Oh. Well, are you Puerto Rican?
Butters: [looks down and checks himself out] ...No.
Barbrady: We need to keep this line clear. Call back another day. [hangs up and faces the family and officers] It wasn't the abductors, sorry.
Officer 1: [enters the front door] Chief! Two more parents from the next town over have shown up saying their child might have been killed by the same guy that took the Stotch boy.
Police chief: Really?
Officer 2: [enters with the couple] This is John and Patsy Ramsey, from Boulder.
John Ramsey: [they rush onto the sofa] We saw your story on the news, and we were so sorry to hear about your loss.
Patsy Ramsey: Our daughter was killed a few years ago, in our house.
Linda: Yes, I... remember hearing something about that.
John Ramsey: A and we realized... The man that murdered your son must be the same person that killed our daughter!
Patsy Ramsey: Yes, because we certainly didn't do it! No. [they both laugh nervously]
John Ramsey: No, huh.
Patsy Ramsey: No.
Chris: Well, our son was ab-ducted. We don't know that he's dead yet.
The Ramseys: Riiight.
Scene Description: "The Butters Show" splash screen
Choir: ...Butters!
Butters: [pops out through an exploding hole and points to himself with his thumb] That's me!
Scene Description: A road, day. Butters walks along and comes to a fork in the road. A gas station sits in the middle of the fork, and a mechanic works on a red car. Butters approaches him
Butters: Sir? Hello?
Mechanic: [leaves the car to see Butters] Hallo, what can I do for ya?
Butters: Wah I have to get to South Park. Eh, if you give me a ride, I could pay you the four dollars I made at the titty bar.
Mechanic: Sarrih, wife took the car to Estes Park for the weekend. Won't be back until Sunday, hyeah. I can give you a ride Sunday, if ya like.
Butters: I can't wait till Sunday. I'm eating with my family at Bennigan's tomorrow.
Mechanic: Well, then, looks like you're walkin'.
Butters: Uh will I eventually get to South Park if I follow this road? [points to the road on the left]
Mechanic: 'Aht road leads to Conifuh. You want to go to South Park, you gotta go down that rod. [the camera pans to the right and stops at a terrifying road. It is lined with spooky trees with faces on them, dark threatening clouds overhead, and eerie sounds.] 'Course, I ain't nevuh seen anyone go up that rod. Six years ago a group of campers went up there and got lost. Had to eat each other to say alive. Used to be the way to O'Riley house. He butchered over fifty children and kept their bodies in a cellah. But, you should find an old bridge about halfway up. That bridge is cursed, you know? They built it with the bones of two hundred Chinese laborers who were massacred in '34. Yeah. Lotta history down that rod.
Butters: [unsure, blinks] ...Well, it's my parents' anniversary tomorrow, [starts walking] and they're gonna be awful sad if I'm not there with 'em.
Mechanic: Well, uh good luck then.
Butters: Oh jeez. [he enters the gloomy forest]
Mechanic: [watches Butters leave] ...or is South Park down that rod?
Scene Description: I Am Siam Thai Cuisine restaurant, day. Inside, the Ramseys and the Stotches are seated at a booth, men on the inside, women on the outside. Lunch is served
John Ramsey: It's so very hard to lose a loved one, isn't it?
Chris: Yes, it, it sure is.
Patsy Ramsey: Thank goodness we have each other to share our grief.
Linda: Thank goodness.
John Ramsey: [points towards the entrance] Here he is. [a door is heard opening and in walks...]
A Politician: John! Patsy!
John Ramsey: Hello, Gary. Great to see you. Chris and Linda, this is our good friend, Congressman Gary Condit. [Condit approaches the table, waves hello, and takes a seat next to Linda] He also lost someone close to him and thinks it something to do with the same Puerto Rican guy that hurt our kids.
Gary Condit: We're goin' tuh get that sonofabitch! [grins. That grin is fixed in place]
Chris: Yes, I'd I sure hope we do.
Gary Condit: I spoke with the FBI and some Puerto Rican guy has just made their Number One Most Wanted, heh.
Patsy Ramsey: Oh, good. Maybe now they'll catch him. [the door is heard opening again] Oh, here's another member of our support group. [waves hello] O.J.
O.J. Simpson: [waves] Hey guys.
Gary Condit: Chris, Linda, you know O.J. Simpson. [O.J. walks up and shakes Linda's hand]
Linda: Oh. Sure.
Patsy Ramsey: O.J.'s wife was killed by an uh, some Puerto Rican guy, too.
O.J. Simpson: Yup, it was some Puerto Rican guy all right.
John Ramsey: So you see, Chris and Linda, there are people like you all over the country who've been affected by some Puerto Rican guy.
Gary Condit: Hey! Let's make Chris and Linda an official part of the group.
John Ramsey: Yeah!
Patsy Ramsey: Yeah!
O.J. Simpson: Alright!
Patsy Ramsey: [waves her knife like a conductor's baton] One of us! One of us!
Gary Condit: Gooble gobble gooble gobble!
O.J. Simpson: [joins Condit] One of us!
Scene Description: the two lines happen together
The Ramseys and Condit: One of us! One of us!
O.J. Simpson: One of us! Gooble gobble!
The Ramseys, O.J., Condit: Gooble gobble! Gooble gobble! One of us! One of us! [the Stotches look at the other four in fear]
Scene Description: The scary road, night. The skies have cleared to reveal a bright full moon. The camera moves down to the road and Butters comes into view singing to himself
Butters: For family fun and great food, too, come on down to... Bennigan's [a shadow flies over the trees in front of him, and an eerie cry is heard. He stops] Buffalo wings and fried cheese sticks, the best are found at... Bennigan's [a snarling sound is heard. He stops and turns right, looking into the trees] Uhuh, hello? [after a while of looking, he turns left and starts walking again] So come and eat at...
A voice: [whispering] Why can't he see us?
Butters: ...Bennigan's. You'll love all our... shenanigans. [the eerie sound is heard again, and three red dots are aimed at his forehead - he has been targeted by someone, or something... He turns right again and looks into the trees. Someone looks back, and turns on thermal vision. A neon view of Butters is shown. Butters turns left and start walking again. The three dots remain trained on his forehead] Oh, nutsack [moves his hands to his mouth and gasps a bit] Oops.
Scene Description: "The Butters Show" splash screen
Choir: Everyone knows it's Butters!
Butters: [pops out through an exploding hole and points to himself with his thumb] That's me!
Scene Description: Butters' house, day, the anniversary has arrived. Inside, Chris and Linda are fighting over the details of the unfolding story of Butters' disappearance. He sits on the sofa; she's pacing the floor, crying, and both are unkempt
Chris: Naw, Linda! Because you can't now say that the abductor is Costa Rican! [rises] You have to learn to keep it straight!
Linda: I can't keep it straight when you keep inventing new parts to the story!
Chris: Hey, don't forget that I'm covering for you! [the door opens and Butters walks in]
Linda: Don't forget: your lies started all this. [Butters closes the door]
Chris: My lies may have been deceitful, but your lies cover up something much more horrible than anything I ever did! [Butters approaches and looks]
Butters: Happy Anniversary!
Chris: Not now, Butters!
Butters: Oh. [moves off to his left] Alright, then. I-
Linda: Butters?? [spots him and scoops him up, then shares him with Chris]Oh, Butters!
Chris: Son! I don't believe it! [they both drop on one knee as they hold on to Butters]
Butters: Ah, I'm sorry. The car just rolled into the lake, and it floated all the way down the river. I tried callin' home, but it was-
Linda: Oh, my baby's back!
Butters: I ain't grounded, am I?
Chris: No-huih, no, Butters. Oh, son, why... [relief fades to spin] Oh... Uh, we're gonna need you to tell a little white lie about where you've been though, alright?
Butters: Lie?
Linda: Oh. Eh yes. Uh darling, you're going to have to say you don't know how you got home.
Chris: No! You have to say that a Puerto Rican man dropped you off! [both parents set Butters down and rise]
Linda: Ohhh, who's gonna believe he just dropped him off?!
Butters: Hey, you stop hollerin'! It's your anniversary.
Chris: [over Butters' voice] Now we don't really have a choice, do we?!
Linda: You're the one that made up the stuff about the Puerto Rican, IDIOT!
Butters: Uh stop it, Mom and Dad.
Chris: Well you're the one who couldn't back it up wit a description, stupid!
Butters: Now gosh darn it, you! [steps in between his parents] You listen here! Now I am sick of these harmless lies and l-little white lies. You know, you can call a shovel an ice-cream machine, but it's still a shovel, Mom and Dad. Ah, and you can call a lie whatever you want, but it's still a no-good stinkin' lie! And when you start coverin' up one lie with another why, now that's when you get into real trouble! [Chris and Linda listen] Boy I've, I've just about had it up to here [puts his right hand to his chin, palm down] with you two! [a few seconds of silence follow]
Chris: ...Butters... You're as right as rain.
Linda: [genuflects and messes with Butters' hair] You sure are.
Butters: Well I ain't in trouble for hollerin' at ya, am I?
Linda: No, Butters. You're the best son in the whole world. [Chris walks over to the phone as Linda and Butters look at each other] And I am so happy you're alive.
Butters: ...Well ah, I'm happy you're alive too, Mom. So now can we go to Bennigan's?
Chris: You bet, son. But Mommy and Daddy have something they have to do first. [picks up the receiver and starts dialing...]
Scene Description: Butters' house, day. The news media and the spectators are back at the Stotch house for another press conference.. The front door opens and the Stotches step forth to the podium, all cleaned up and well-dressed. Cameramen begin taking pictures
Chris: We... have an announcement to make, um. Our son has been returned to us. [Butters comes out of the house to stand next to his parents, and cheers are heard in the crowd. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman are present]
Man in crowd: Wow, alright.
Stan: Butters was missing?
Chris: But, that isn't all we have to say. You see, we learned a very important lesson tonight and it took the smarts of our young son to show us.
Butters: [points at the crowd] Yeah!
Linda: We've learned that deception is wrong and that the only thing to ever make it right again is to come clean.
Butters: Yeah! [a shot of the Ramseys, O.J., and Condit]
Chris: You see, I've been deceiving my wife for several months. I was going to gay movies and bathhouses and having sex with random men who were complete strangers.
Butters: [raises both arms in victory] Ye-! [turns to look at his father, and his arms go down] wait, what?
Cartman: Huho!
Linda: [Butters is now afraid of what she might say] And when I found out I went crazy, I went crazy and I drove my son into the lake to kill 'im.
Butters: Uh, k-kill me? Uh Jesus Christ!
Stan: Damn, dude.
Chris: So you see, there was no "some Puerto Rican guy." He doesn't exist. And so the people we owe the biggest apology to are the Ramseys, Congressman Condit, and O.J. We gave you false hope for finding the person who hurt those close to you and, we're sorry. Now we're just happy we won't have to live a life of secrets. For I knew that even though some of you supported us, some others were looking at me and thinking, "You're a liar! You're a LIAR!" [points at the crowd, and Condit's fixed-grin face is shown] "You know somethin' that you're not telling us, you slimy, scumbag liar!" [back to Chris] Eh you know, that's what people would say to me. And then people would see my wife at the supermarket and they would say, "Hello," but they'd be thinking, "Ah, there goes that MURDERER!" [a shot of O.J.] "You got away with MURDER you murdering, lying, waste of life!" [back to Chris] And to me, people might say things like, [a shot of Condit] "LIAR! Tell us what you know you God-damned liar!" [back to Chris] And so, to both of us, people all over town would be saying things like, [a shot of the Ramseys] "You know God-damn well what happened to your kid, so stop acting like victims, and confess, you MURDERING MURDERERS!" [a shot of O.J.] "CONFESS!" [a shot of Condit] "LIAR! CONFESS!" [back to Chris] You know, and, that's what people would be saying to us, and so, we just had to come forward and tell the truth.
Linda: We're sorry we lied to you all. It won't happen again.
Chris: And now, if you'll excuse us, this family has to get to Bennigan's.
Man 2 in Crowd: Yeah-ah-alright! [the parents go back in the house as a stunned Butters stands on the walkway. The crowd disperses and Stan, Kyle, and Cartman walk up to Butters]
Stan: Wow dude, your dad's a perv and your mom tried to kill you.
Butters: Yeah. Boy, you fellas are sure gonna rip on me at school now.
Cartman: We sure are.
Butters: I really wish I didn't know that stuff. I guess I learned that sometimes, lying can be for the best. Yup. Oh well, when I want a chipotle bleu cheese bacon burger at Bennigan's, I forget all about my dad... bein' queer and my mom tryin' to kill me. I'm gonna be okay.
Stan: Really?
Butters: Naw, I'm lyin'
Chris: [appears in the doorway] Let's go, son.
Butters: Wuh comin', Dad! [goes inside the house]
Choir: Everyone knows it's Butters!
Butters: [returns to the doorway and points to himself with his thumb] That's me!