Scene Description: Interstate 285 looking north, twilight fading to night. There are two lanes on either side of the highway, with a grass median in between. A Snacky Cakes truck rolls by. Tumbleweeds begin to roll. A few seconds later, the highway sign begins to shake violently and then crackle with lightning. The camera pans to the right and more lightning is seen until a sphere of energy with a doorway appears. More tumbleweeds roll by.
Scene Description: A flash of light follows, and a humanoid steps forth from the sphere. He looks around and mumbles something. He walks towards the highway, looking around all the while. A car comes up quick on him and he freezes in the headlights for a while, then jumps out of the way as a Busy Beavers Moving Company truck barrels past him. A car comes up on him on the other side of the highway. He gets up quickly and steps out of the way. Traffic picks up and the humanoid dodges all the vehicles until a car almost runs him over. The car brakes and tips him over.
Scene Description: South Park, next day. The boys approach a house, which has more snow on it than usual in South Park, especially along the windows. Indeed, it looks like the town has just had a snow storm overnight. Each of the boys carries a shovel. Stan rings the bell. A woman answers.
Woman: Yes?
Cartman: [sweetly] Hello ma'am. We're going around town and offering snow-shoveling service. Would you like your driveway and sidewalk shoveled for eight thousand dollars?
Woman: Oh well, I certainly could use some little snow-shovelers, but eight thousand dollars seems a little steep. How about ten dollars?
Cartman: Ooo, ouch, ma'am, please, let go of that tight grip you have on my balls! Ten dollars, you're breaking my balls, ma'am!
Woman: How about fifteen dollars?
Cartman: It's a deal! All right, guys, let's get to work! [moments later, Stan and Kyle are clearing the driveway while Kenny clears the front lawn, moving by Cartman, who is now seated on the steps talking on a cell phone] Yeah, it's so totally awesome. Craig crapped his pants when he saw it. Yeah, sweet. So what's goin' on over there? Yeah, that's pretty cool. [Kyle walks up to him and stops] No way! He did not! Aw dude, that is so weak. [notices Kyle, then lowers the phone] What?
Kyle: You've been on your fucking phone since we started!
Cartman: Dude, I'm takin' a break.
Kyle: A break from what?! You haven't done anything!
Cartman: Kyle, how many times do we have to go through this? I'm the negotiator. I negotiate our price with the customers.
Kyle: All you ever do is talk about your balls!
Cartman: It works, doesn't it? Did I not just get us an extra five bucks?
Kyle: If you want your share of the money, then you're gonna shovel snow like the rest of us!
Cartman: Hey! Don't boss me around, you fuckin' Jew! I will kick your ass!
Scene Description: Moments later the doorbell rings again. This time the camera is in the house looking at the door from an angle. The woman approaches and opens the door. The boys are shown, with Cartman keeping his now-bloody nose from oozing any more blood.
Stan: Ma'am, do you have a rag and some bandages?
Woman: Oh goodness, what happened?
Cartman: Shoveling accident.
Woman: Oooh, no, come on inside. [leads them in and stops in the middle of the living room, in front of the TV. A newscast is on] Wait right here, I'll be right back. [walks off]
Cartman: You're so lucky I have a... sore shoulder, Kyle, or I would have let you have it.
Stan: Cartman, just keep your mouth shut.
News Announcer: This is breaking news. Here's Anchorman Aaron Brown. [the boys turn to watch]
Aaron Brown: [CNN anchor. An image of the humanoid is shown, with the caption "Guest from the Future" above it] Incredible, absolutely amazing news today. A man from the future has come back in time and is in a government hospital after being hit by a car.
Stan: Whoa.
Aaron Brown: Christina Naylon has more.
Christina Nylon: [soldiers patrol the area around Hangar 18] The news is incredible, Aaron. Experts and scientists have been with the man from the future for several hours now, and have been able to learn that he is from the year 3045. His condition is stable, and speculation continues as to why he has come. Has he come to deliver a cure for cancer? Or to fix something wrong with the past?
Aaron Brown: Have to interrupt you there, Christina. Apparently, Brad Morgan is inside the base with breaking news. Brad?
Brad Morgan: [inside the base. Scientists and soldiers mill around the alien's bed] Aaron, the scientists have been able to communicate further and have uncovered that the man from one thousand years in the future has come to our time... looking for work. Uh, he has said that the future is so overwhelmingly overpopulated that there are simply no jobs in his time, and so he built a time portal and has come back to 21st century America, uh, to find a job here.
Aaron Brown: Heheh, it's absolutely astounding. He came back here for work?
Brad Morgan: Huh... that's right, Aaron. Hi- his plan is to get a job here, in our time, so that he can put the money he earns into a savings account, uh, which will earn interest, and by the year 3045 be worth billions of dollars, uh which of course in the future will be worth only hundreds of dollars, but uh, enough, he says, to feed his family.
Aaron Brown: And now I understand we're going to Harrison Moore, uh, for an explanation on how the time portal works. Harrison?
Harrison Moore: [at the time portal. News vans, reporters and scientists, one in a space suit, gather around and marvel at the portal] Aaron, I'm standing at the time border which scientists say follow Terminator rules. That is, it's one way only and you can't go back. This is in contrast, say, to Back To The Future rules, where back and forth is possible, and of course, Timerider rules, which are just plain silly. Anyway, it appears that the man from the future is here to stay.
Scene Description: Later, Stan returns home. He enters with his shovel.
Stan: Mom, Dad! Did you see? They found a man from the future!
Randy: We know, Stanley. We've been watching.
Aaron Brown: If you're just joining us, a man from over two thousand years into the future has come through a one-way time portal looking for work. Uh, the President is expected to give an announcement at any time.
Harrison Moore: Breaking news here at the time portal, Aaron. It appears that another person from the future has just arrived! [the camera pans right to show a HazMat team checking the person for radiation] It looks as if the job at Wendy's did work for the original immigrant; this second arrivee claims that man's family is now much better off, and wishes the same for his family.
Scene Description: Stan's house, night. Sharon puts Stan to bed and tucks him in.
Sharon: There you go. All set, sweetie?
Stan: Mom, can we go try to see the people from the future? I have a bunch of questions I wanna ask 'em.
Sharon: I'm sure a lot of people do, hon. It's pretty exciting, isn't it? Now, you just get some sleep. [turns off Stan's lamp] You've had a busy day. [walks off. At the door she turns and looks at him] Goodnight, sweetie.
Stan: Night, Mom. [after she leaves, he puts his arms up and behind his head and smiles] Wow, two people from the future. How cool.
Scene Description: Interstate 285 looking north, twilight fading to night. The highway sign begins to shake violently and then crackle with lightning. The camera pans to the right and more lightning is seen until it reaches the portal. A flash of light follows, and an humanoid steps forth from the sphere. Another flash brings forth another humanoid. Another flash brings forth a third humanoid. Another flash brings forth his wife, another flash brings forth their daughter, and another flash brings forth their son. Another flash brings forth another humanoid. They head for the highway, which is busy now. They all make their way across, avoiding being struck as they cross the lanes.
Scene Description: South Park, day. The boys once again make their rounds as shovelers and stop at a house. Stan rings the doorbell, the door opens, and a different woman greets them.
Mrs. Landis: Yes?
Stan: Hello, Mrs. Landis. Would you like snow-shoveling service again today?
Mrs. Landis: Ooh, oh dear, I'm sorry boys, but I've already hired someone else to do it.
Cartman: What?! Who?!
Mrs. Landis: One of those immigrants from the future. He said he would do it for twenty-five cents.
Kyle: Twenty-five cents? Well that's not even worth it.
Stan: All right guys, come on. Let's go to the next house. [the boys turn to go back to the sidewalk...]
Kyle: Dude. [the camera pulls back to show these immigrants shoveling snow off sidewalks and driveways up and down the street]
Stan: Son of a bitch!
Scene Description: CNN News Brief. An image of a family from the future is shown, with the caption above reading "Time Immigrants".
Aaron Brown: Still more immigrants from the future arrived at the time border today, some even bringing their entire families. the purplish goo that they have on their bodies when they arrive is an ectoplasmic side effect of the time-travel process. This is all giving scientists a great opportunity to learn even more about American life in the future. Chris Holt joins us now. Chris?
Chris Holt: [seated to Brown's left] Yes, there are incredible things we're learning about Americans in the future, Aaron. I- it appears that in the future, Americans have evolved into a hairless uniform mix of all races. They are all one color, which is a yellowy light-brownish whitish color. Uh, it seems race is no longer an issue in the future, because all ethnicities have mixed into one. Perhaps most interesting is how this has affected their language. The people in the future speak a complete mix of English, Chinese, Turkish and, indeed, all world languages, which sounds something like this: [makes three guttural sounds] Back to you, Aaron.
Aaron Brown: Apparently the people from the future are having a pretty easy time finding work. Since they offer to work for such low wages, they're being hired all over America.
Scene Description: A meeting has assembled somewhere. Two flags hang from the back of the meeting room, one of them American, the other of Colorado. Men from all walks of life argue amongst themselves.
Man 1: [left side, front row] This is bullcrap! I ain't standin' for this!
Darryl Weathers: [at the podium] All right, folks, my name is Darryl Weathers and I'm with the Construction Workers' Union. I work with a lot of fine men who have families to feed. Now, I don't know about you all, but we worked long and hard to get our pay up to a level where we could make a decent living. And now these people from the future are showin' up and offerin' to do the same work for next to nothin'! They took our jobs! [the audience, which is unemployed, clamors in agreement]
Man 2: [rises, wears dark blue short-sleeve shirt, black pants] We're in the moving business! Fourteen years we've been workin' our butts off! Now these future folk come in and we can't get work nowhere! They took our jobs!
Man 3: They took your jobs! [the rest of the audience clamors]
Man 4: Well what about us in the fast-food business?! The restaurants are firing us 'cause the future people work for a lot less! They took our jobs!
Other men: [at random times] They took your jobs!
Stan: [pipes up] It's affecting kids too! Me and my friends started our own snow-shoveling business. We were trying to be responsible and make money, you know? But then the people came along and, and now we're out of work too! [silence] Oh, they took our jobs!
Other men: [at random times] They took yer jobs!
Scene Description: Interstate 285 looking north, twilight fading to night. The highway sign is shown, but the camera pulls back to show a new CAUTION sign showing an entire family crossing. The signs begin to sway back and forth violently and crackle with lightning. The portal is shown, but now it expands so the people from the future swarm into the present en masse.
Scene Description: South Park, night. At Stan's house, Randy and Sharon are at the sofa reading. Sharon reads a book, Randy reads the paper. Stan enters from the front. Sharon spots him.
Sharon: Stanley, it's almost eight o'clock. Where have you been?
Stan: I was at a rally to protest all the immigrants from the future coming in and tryin' to- [an immigrant descends the stairs with a basket of dirty clothes and stops to ask Sharon something using guttural sounds]
Sharon: Oh yes, the laundry machine is down in the basement and our son is home. Could you please set the table for dinner? [the immigrant makes some guttural sounds and walks away]
Stan: [leery] Who is that?
Randy: That's our new housekeeper, Mrs. Gruhd. She's gonna help around the house on Tuesdays and Thursdays. [aside] And she'll do it for ten cents an hour.
Stan: Oh, but that's the problem! Those goobacks are taking our jobs!
Sharon: What?!
Randy: Oh my God! [he and Sharon rise, Stan backs away a bit] Stan Marsh, how dare you use that time-bashing slur?!
Sharon: Who taught you to talk like that?!
Stan: Well dude, they are taking people's jobs away.
Randy: They're only taking the small menial jobs that nobody else really wants to do.
Stan: I wanted my job!
Randy: Hey, Stanley, you need to understand something: Those people from the future have had a hard life! Where they come from is dirty and overpopulated and poor! You can't even imagine the kind of depression they come from! So, for us, who have everything sooo good, to judge them, is wrong! Do you understand?! Next time you think about calling them goobacks, you might just wanna stop for a second and think about how crappy the future really is!
Sharon: That's right! We're not raising our son to be an ignorant timecist.
Stan: Timecist?
Sharon: You know, a racist, but against people from the-
Stan: People from the future. Right, got it.
Randy: All right, good. Now, let's all go eat some of Mrs. Gruhd's great future cooking.
Scene Description: The O'Reilly Factor.
Announcer: And now, here is Bill O'Reilly.
Bill O'Reilly: Welcome, welcome to the No-Spin Zone, all right? And what we're talkin' about today are the immigrants from the future. All right? Now, most people are more than happy to give a helping hand to these people who obviously need it. All right? But others are starting to say that the time portal should be closed off. All right? Now, I've got two guests with me tonight who have opposing views on the matter. On my right is pissed-off, white-trash, redneck conservative.
Darryl Weathers: Thanks for having me, Bill.
Bill O'Reilly: And on my left is aging, hippie, liberal douche.
Douche: Hello.
Bill O'Reilly: Now, pissed-off redneck, you say we shouldn't allow anyone else through the time portal, all right?
Darryl Weathers: You're Goddamned right! These people from the future are takin' all the work away from us decent present-day Americans! [leans in and low and almost grunts] They took our jobs!
Skynard Man: They took our jobs!
Darryl Weathers: Those jobs belong to people from the present!
Bill O'Reilly: All right. What say you, aging hippie liberal douche?
Douche: Heh, it's typical for conservatives rednecks like these to view the immigrants as the problem, heh, but really, the problem is America. It is our greedy multinational corporations that keep everyone else in poverty. Your ancestors came to America as immigrants. What right do you have to turn these people away?
Bill O'Reilly: All right, redneck, your rebuttal?
Darryl Weathers: [says nothing, then rises, leans forward and low, and almost grunts] They took our jobs!!
Skynard man: They took our jobs!
Stout man: [really slurring] Too-kourderb!!
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The school bell rings and the students are in their seats. So are a lot of new immigrant students.
Herbert Garrison: All right, children, the school board has mandated that I must now teach class in both present-day English and Futurespeak.
Kyle: What?!
Herbert Garrison: So, with that in mind, let's continue our lessons on verbs. Remember that there are transitive verbs such as [writes on the board] "The boy threw the red ball," which in Futurespeak of course, is [makes a sentence of grunts and guttural sounds] Everyone say it with me? [the kids repeat the sentence, which sounds like a series of barks, coming from them. Jimmy attempts it] Aaand there are intransitive verbs, such as [writes on the board] "The 11:15 bus from Denver arrived twelve hours late." Or in Futurespeak, "Vvut."
The kids: "Vvut."
Kyle: Dude, hold on! This is bullcrap! If they wanna live in our time, then they should learn our language!
Craig: Yeah!
Stan: That's right! [other students speak up]
Aging hippie liberal douche: [steps in] Hey now, these immigrants have a right to retain their culture. Who are we to say our language is best? They deserve to have an education just as much as you do.
Herbert Garrison: Thank you, aging, hippie, liberal douche.
Aging hippie liberal douche: You betcha. [steps out]
Timmy: Timmih.
Herbert Garrison: Okay, now let's get back to it, kids. What kind of verb is this? [writes on the board] "The sad girl puts balls in her mouth." Or, in Futurespeak of course, "Gluch gligh balls glych gligh."
Scene Description: Back at the meeting room, the unemployed men gather for another rally against the immigrants from the future.
Man 5: This is bullcrap!
Darryl Weathers: Listen up, everybody! We've just received a reply from our congressman. [unfurls a letter] "Dear intolerant rednecks, we sympathize with you all losing your jobs. However, we feel your solution of shooting everyone who crosses the time border is inhumane."
Chet: What? That's ridiculous!
Man 6: They can't do that!
Man 7: That was a good idea!
Darryl Weathers: So it appears the government ain't gonna help us! Which means we gotta take matters into our own hands! The only way to stop people from the future is to stop the future from happening!
Man 8: Hey, that's right! If there is no future, then there'll be no people from the future to come back and take our jobs!
Man 9: Take r jurbs
Darryl Weathers: All right! So, any ideas how we can stop the future from happening?
Chet: How about we cause more global warming, so that in the future, the polar ice caps melt, and it ushers in a new ice age?
Darryl Weathers: [pause] How the hell is global warming gonna cause an ice age?!
Chet: Well you know, the... global warming could bring on like a climate shift or somethin'?
Darryl Weathers: Chet, you are a fuckin' retard, you know that?! Even if global warming were real, which all proven scientific data shows it isn't, it would take millions of years for a climate shift to happen! You think an ice age can just happen all of a sudden-like?
Chet: Well I was just tryin' to be helpful.
Darryl Weathers: Well help yourself to a fuckin' science book, 'cause you're talkin' like a fuckin' retard! Now, come on people, we've got to think! Damnit, they took our jaorbs!
Many men: [randomly] They took our jobs!
Scene Description: South Park, day. The boys walk down the commercial district noticing immigrants from time to time. Various immigrants greet them and try to sell them fruits, but the boys walk on. A hovering futuristic car comes up next to them, sets down, and bounces the front end up and down like a lowrider. The driver then activates the hydraulics and the car begins to dance. The boys just look in wonder as the car settles down and then moves off. Its exhaust hits the boys' faces and they cough. Next, the boys head for a Wendell's Burgers restaurant. They enter and head for the counter.
Kyle: Aw, dude.
Scene Description: The boys see that the restaurant is staffed by immigrants from the future. One of them approaches to take an order.
Cashier: Gaur da'ka?
Stan: Can you speak in present-day English please?
Cashier: Uh oh... Can I help... you?
Stan: Uh yeah, I want a double cheeseburger and fries.
Cashier: [looks at the boys quizzically, then shows off the chicken sandwich to his left] Chicken sandwich?
Stan: [getting annoyed] No, a double cheeseburger and fries!
Cashier: [taps away at the machine's keyboard] A cheeg- fry?
Stan: What?!
Cashier: A cheeg- fry?
Cartman: We can't understand you, asshole! [the cashier's manager comes up and talks to him for a bit. The cashier points at the boys. The manager takes over and resets the order]
Manager: Can I help you?
Stan: I'm trying to order a double cheeseburger!
Manager: [shows off the chicken sandwich to his left] Chicken sandwich?
Stan: No, it's not a chicken sandwich! [his parents enter the restaurant and stand in line behind him and the boys] I want a goddamned cheeseburger and some goddamned fries you fucking goobacks!
Randy: Stan Marsh!
Stan: Aw- awwww!
Scene Description: Back at the rally...
Darryl Weathers: Come on, people, think! How are we gonna stop these immigrants from takin' our jobs!
Man 10: Hey, I got an idea. Uh maybe we should all take off all our clothes, scramble into a big pile and start gettin' gay with each other.
Chet: Did you say "get gay"?
Darryl Weathers: Hey, yeah. Well that's not a bad idea!
Man 11: What? Gettin' gay?
Darryl Weathers: Think about it: These people are from the future, right? Well, if we can git everyone to turn queer, then there won't be no children to have no children, and the people from the future won't exist to take our jobs!
Jimbo Kern: I ain't turnin' queer.
Darryl Weathers: You have to, Jimbo, or else we won't be able to stop them! They took 'r jaobs!
Man 2: Yeah, they took our jobs!
Man 8: [slurring] Took our jobs!
Darryl Weathers: [begins to take off his clothes till he's in briefs and boots] Let's go over to that part of town that all the future people moved into and start humpin' each other until they disappear! Come on! [comes down from the podium and makes his way to the doors. His briefs fall off, and he turns around] Come on! You want your jobs back or not?! [turns around, walks out and turns right]
Scene Description: Welcome to Little Future. This part of South Park is congested and built upwards. Parts of it are rundown. The drivers there all drive hovercars. Some kids dance around on a stoop as adults walk by.
Darryl Weathers: [appears with the other rally participants, all of them naked] All right, you future bastards! Think you can take our jubs?! Well, we'll show you! Come'ere, Earl!. [the burly man wearing the Skynard hat steps forth and starts making out with Weathers] How do you like that, gooback?! [the immigrants just stare back puzzled. Weathers addresses the rest of his peers] Come on, you guys! [the other men just stare for a while, then begin to make out as well. The immigrants just look at them.] Everyone who believes in America, join in with us! We're gonna make these future bastards nonexistent!
Scene Description: South Park Center for Seismic Activity. Randy arrives for work with Stan in tow.
Stan: Aw, come on, Dad! How come I have to go to work with you?
Randy: Because you're being grounded, Stanley! Now I don't wanna hear another word out of your intolerant mouth! [Randy opens the door and they both go inside. The office walls are now brown instead of gray. Randy closes the door and motions Stanley to a chair behind it] You just sit right there, Stanley, and you think about what you've done! [puts his coat on the coat rack and sits at his desk to begin his day]
Boss: You'll find all the copiers and printers in the next room over and then uh-
Randy: Hey, Mr. Nelson.
Mr. Nelson: Oh... R- Randy... Uh, I'm surprised to see you here.
Randy: Why? This is my office.
Mr. Nelson: Ooohh boy, didn't you get my phone message? Ooh, this is awkward. Well, the thing is, Randy, you've been- replaced.
Randy: What?
Mr. Nelson: Well we found an immigrant from the future who knows geology and he offered to work for next to nothing. Uh, this is Mr. Glughgogawk.
Mr. Glughgogawk: Gheglo.
Randy: You can't be serious.
Mr. Nelson: I'm... sorry, Randy. It's just, with all the budget cuts and all, we'll give you some time to clean out your desk. Follow me, Mr. Glughgogawk. I'll show you to the copy room. [walks away with the immigrant. Randy is left alone to contemplate his next move]
Randy: Oh my God. They took my jarb!!
Stan: They took yer jarb!!
Scene Description: CNN Breaking News.
Announcer: This is CNN.
Aaron Brown: Breaking news at the time border. We go now live to Harrison Moore.
Harrison Moore: Aaron, I'm standing at the time border where some kind of mass protest has broken out. [more immigrants enter through the portal] Hundreds of men who have lost their jobs to time immigrants are here having sex with one another. [a shot of all the men in a big pile, in all sorts of positions, as news crews film them] These men have apparently sucked and screwed their way across the state and are now here at the time border trying to get national attention. These unemployed men have been having sex for several days. Joining me is their spokesperson, Randy Marsh. [Randy steps into view, patting his moustache down] Mr. Marsh, what exactly are you trying to accomplish?
Randy: We're doing the only thing we can do. If our government is just gonna let anybody into our time who wants to come, then we have to take matters into our own hands. [another camera view shows Stan next to his father. Stan tries to block out this interview with eyes shut tight and his fingers on his nose] We're trying to turn everyone gay so that there are no future humans! Present-day America Number One!
Darryl Weathers: Yeah America! [A close-up of the mass of men fornicating with each other]
Man 8: Take our jobs!
Harrison Moore: Do you really think you can get enough people to turn gay to destroy the future of humanity?
Randy: All we can do is try, Harrison.
Aging hippie liberal douche: [walks into the picture] Trying to stop immigration is intolerant and ignorant. Those immigrants have a right to pursue happiness.
Harrison Moore: [lowers the mic to Stan] Young man, what do you think about all this?
Stan: I think it's wrong to call them goobacks because they're no different from us. [loosens up and opens his eyes] They're just humans trying to make their lives better. Look, it sucks that the immigrants' time is so crappy, but the cold hard truth is that if we let them all come back to our time, then it's just gonna make our time crappy too. Maybe the answer isn't trying to stop the future from happening, but making the future better. [the mound of men stops copulating]
Man 9: [at the top of the mound] Huh?
Stan: I mean, maybe if we all commit right now to working toward a better future, then, then the future won't be so bad, and, these immigrants won't need to come back here looking for work.
Man 11: [inside the mound] Hey. He's right. If we build for a better future, the immigrants will stay there.
Man 12: Yeah. We've got to start working towards a brighter tomorrow.
Randy: Well what are we waiting for?
Scene Description: Montage of green living. First scene is a group of men planting trees. Next scene is a group of people at a recycling center watching Mr. Garrison toss in his bag of spent aluminum cans. Mr. Slave then tosses in his load.
Scene Description: Next scene has the boys, Randy, and Weathers bringing food to African tribesmen. Next scene has the boys helping Randy and Weathers paint a wooden fence white. Next scene is a newly-minted wind farm in South Park made by the townspeople.
Scene Description: Stan and Shelly look at each other, smiling. Next scene has Weathers plugging his electric car into an outlet next to the garage door as others watch. Next scene has Stan bringing a gift to the towm bum. A bunch of adults follow him proudly. Next scene has some of the kids and many of the adults swaying gently to some music.
Singer: We've got to work for a better future, we've got to join hands for tomorrow. Take the first step and you will see the future begins with you and me. We can start to make a difference if we want it for our children Recycle that can and plant that tree, 'cause the future begins with you and me.
Cartman: Look, it's working! [one by one, the immigrants vanish from view]
Singer: The future begins with you and me.
Darryl Weathers: The immigrants are fadin' away!
Stan: We're doing it!
Scene Description: Next scene shows the townsfolk cleaning up a meadow. Next scene has the Marshes watching Weathers and an assistant install solar panels on the Marshes' roof. Last scene has the townsfolk tilling ground at a farm.
Singer: We've got to work for a better future, we've got to join hands for tomorrow. Take the first step and you will see the future-
Stan: Dude, wait, wait, ho- hold on. Wait a second. [drops his shovel] This is gay.
Kyle: [drops his shovel] This is really gay.
Cartman: Yeah, this is even gayer than all the men getting in a big pile and having sex with each other.
Stan: Okay, sorry, my bad, everyone back in the pile. [everyone races back to the pile. The men take off their clothes]
Darryl Weathers: Back in the pile everyone!
Randy: We're going back to the pile.
Man 13: Jump in!
Man 14: Come on, everybody!
Man 15: Never mind, we're going back to the pile!
Man 16: Took yer jurb!


Scene Description: South Park Elementary, the school gym. Six cheerleaders, all fourth-graders, lead a Pep Rally '04.
Cheerleaders: We are South Park, Green and White. Let's go, Cows! Fight, fight, fight! Nobody can beat a Cow! Let's gooo, South Park![in the audience, Cartman yawns.]
Red: Hey, South Park! Do you have school spirit?
Students: [all grades] Moooooooo!
Bebe: I think us Cows have the best school spirit. Huh, Mandy?
Mandy: [new fourth grader, with braces that makes her speak with a lisp] Yeah, and South Park is really gonna stick it to Littleton next week!
Bebe: Let's bring out our mascot and get this pep rally going! [an adult in a cow suit comes out, waves to the kids, then begins to dance.]
Butters: It's Mooey! Mooey, wave to me! Wave to me, Mooey!
Cartman: Butters, shut the hell up! [As Mooey dances, PETA bursts in through the double doors and rushes towards the cheerleaders. They apprehend Mooey and begin beating him up, then pulling his head off]
Blonde PETA woman: [through her megaphone] We are People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals! We protest your insensitive use of cows as your school mascot!
Herbert Garrison: Oh, Jesus, not PETA again.
Dreadlocked PETA Man: [approaches Bebe] Cows are maimed and slaughtered and used as a commodity! [throws a bucket of real blood on Bebe. Other PETA members go after the rest of the cheerleaders]
Blonde PETA woman: [showing old slaughterhouse scenes on how to prepare beef] This is the fate of the cow! This is your insensitivity!
Students: Ewww! [a kindergartner begins to cry]
Gas Mask PETA Member: The cow is a slave! The cow is a commodity! To be thrown away by a society gone wrong!
Herbert Garrison: All right, children, I have just been informed that since our school has been attacked by eco-terrorists for the 47th time, we are going to change our school mascot.
Class: Awwwwwwww!
Stan: But, Mr. Garrison, if we change our mascot, that means the eco-terrorists win!
Herbert Garrison: That's right, Stanley, the eco-terrorists win. [approaches the students with a stack of papers and begins distributing it] Now, I have here a mascot selection sheet. Every student is supposed to check the box next to the mascot they like the most. And the most popular selection will be the school's new mascot.
Clyde: But we like being the Cows! [a bucket of real blood is doused on him and the rest of the class gasps.]
Dreadlocked PETA man: You're responsible for the enslavement and genocide of millions!
Herbert Garrison: [taking action] Ge-get outta here, PETA! We're changin' the mascot already!
Dreadlocked PETA man: Who'll speak for those who cannot speak for themselves?!
Herbert Garrison: [throws some papers at the PETA member] Oh, ge-get outta here! [breaks out a can of mace and sprays it on him] Ge-get out! [the man leaves] Jesus, where do they keep coming from?! [sprays some more for effect] Go on, get outta here.
Stan: This is bullcrap, dude!
Herbert Garrison: Now children, it's not that bad. There's plenty of great new mascots on the sheet to chose from. The Hurricanes, the Blizzards, the Redskins, the Indians...
Wendy: But aren't Indians and Redskins just as offensive?
Herbert Garrison: No, those are fine. PETA doesn't care about people.
Scene Description: The school hallway.
Cartman: Goddammit, vegans piss me off! Now we're gonna end up with a stupid eagle or a faggy bobcat as a mascot.
Kyle: Wait. You guys, I have an awesome idea! We should secretly go around and tell all the students we can, to not check any of the mascots on this election sheet, and instead write in "Giant Douche."
Cartman: Ye-heah!
Kenny: (Yeah, totally awesome!)
Cartman: Yeh- no, no, wait, wait. I got a better idea you guys. What we should do is we should secretly go around and tell all the students we can to not check any of the mascots on this election sheet, and instead write in "Turd Sandwich."
Kyle: Turd Sandwich isn't better than Giant Douche.
Cartman: Heh, it's only about a thousand times better, am I right guys? Come on! We have to tell everybody fast! This is gonna be so funny!
Kyle: It was my idea and we're gonna tell everyone to write in "Giant Douche!" It's way funnier!
Cartman: It is not!
Kyle: Kenny, what's funnier? A giant douche or a turd sandwich?
Kenny: (Giant douche.)
Cartman: Aw, you're just saying that because I broke your cat's leg last week.
Kyle: Stan, do you pick giant douche or turd sandwich?
Stan: Dude, I really don't care. [walks away]
Kyle: [tallies the votes. Behind him, Butters approaches his locker and prepares to open it] That's two against one, 'cause Stan doesn't care. So it's giant douche.
Cartman:: [notices, then runs to Butters and pulls him towards the other boys] ...Wait, wait, what about Butters?
Butters: Huh?
Kyle: You hate Butters.
Cartman: Goddammit, you guys, Butters is our friend! And he's allowed to have his opinion! Butters, which is funnier? A stupid not-funny giant douche or a super funny turd sandwich?
Butters: Hahaha, a turd sandwich!
Kyle: You misled him, fatass!
Cartman: It's the best choice, and me and Butters are sticking with it.
Butters: [crosses his arms] Yeah! ...What's this for? [the boys approach Jimmy]
Kyle: Jimmy, we're gonna have everyone write in a mascot that's really funny, and you have to tell us which one would be funnier.
Jimmy: That's a... fantastic idea fellas. Uh, the key to successful humor is s-staying power. Uh, tell me the first mascot idea.
Kyle: A giant douche.
Jimmy: Heh, huh okay, that's pretty funny. Now, what's the second?
Cartman: A turd sandwich.
Jimmy: Turhr... Ohokahay. Okay, now let's wait ten seconds. [ten seconds pass] Okay now, t-tell me the first one again?
Kyle: Giant douche.
Jimmy: [snickers] And the second?
Cartman: Turd sandwich.
Jimmy: [snickers] Gee, th-they're both screamingly funny, fellas. Better give it another ten seconds.[ten seconds pass] All right, now we'll see which one really has staying power. Number one?
Kyle: A giant douche.
Jimmy: [snickers] Okay, I think, that's it. Number 2?
Cartman: Turd sandwich.
Jimmy: [snickers] Gee, I don't know what to say, fellas. They're both instant classics. But I guess I'll have to go with giant douche, simply because the fact that it's a giant renders it useless, adding a parody slant to the satire.
Cartman: Awwwww!
Butters: Ohhh, we lost?
Kyle: All right, it's decided. Let's all write in "Giant Douche."
Cartman: Okay. You win, Kyle.
Scene Description: The school gym. The students once again assembles on the bleachers. Herbert Garrison stands before the big-screen TV used in the rally earlier, and the TV reads "New School Mascot '04".
Herbert Garrison: Attention students, we have tallied your mascot nomination sheets, and there will now be a school-wide vote between the top two nominations. So here is the first most-requested candidate, a giant douche. [a giant douche steps out from behind the TV and begins dancing to 2 Unlimited's "Get ready for this."]
Kyle, Kenny: Go, giant douche!
Giant Douche: Hey, South Park! Have we got school spirit?! [a smattering of applause] We've got spirit, yes we do! Giant douches, me and you! Let's gooooo, Douches! [a smaller smattering of applause]
Herbert Garrison: And now your second nominee, Turd Sandwich. [a turd sandwich steps out from behind the TV and begins dancing to Baha Men's "Who Let The Dogs Out?"]
Cartman: All right turd sandwich!
Butters: Yeah!
Kyle: Cartman? What the hell?!
Cartman: Giant Douche sucks!
Turd Sandwich: We've got spirit, yes we do! We are sandwiches filled with poo! Yeeaahhh! [a smattering of applause]
Herbert Garrison: Students can now cast their choice between the Giant Douche and the Turd Sandwich. We'll count up the votes on Tuesday.
Kyle: You won't get more votes than us, asshole!
Cartman: Game on, Jew-boy!
Butters: Yeah, game on, Jew-boy! [looks at Cartman, smiles, and looks back at Kyle]
Scene Description: The front doors of the school. Stan and Kenny flank the entrance and hand out buttons as the other kids come out.
Kyle: Be sure to vote for Giant Douche.
Kenny: (Giant Douche! Vote for him!)
Kyle: Giant Douche is your man!
Stan: [exiting] Kyle, aren't you taking this a little too far? I mean, do we really want a giant douche to be our school mascot?
Kyle: Dude, I'm not going to lose to Cartman's stupid turd sandwich. [something like an ice cream truck is heard, and Cartman appears driving his Big Wheels bike, pulling a portable stage. Butters is dancing on the stage, dressed as a Hawaiian hula dancer. In his hands he has leis to hand out.]
Cartman: Vote for Turd Sandwich. This is the most important election of our lives. [Butters begins tossing out the leis, and kids step forth to get them. A man shows up as well, but gets nothing] Turd Sandwich brings us hope for change. A vote for Turd Sandwich is a Vote for tomorrow!
Kyle: There. Do you really want that asshole to win?
Stan: I'm not voting!
Kyle: What? Y-you gotta vote, dude. Haven't you seen the Rock the Vote stuff or, or Puff Daddy's Vote or Die?!
Stan: I just think this whole thing is stupid! [walks off angrily]
Kyle: Kenny, we have got to make Stan understand the importance of voting, because he'll definitely vote for our guy.
Kenny: (Yeah.)
Scene Description: The Marsh house, dinnertime. The family is gathered at table, with Marvin at one end, Randy at the other. Sharon comes in with plates and the main course.
Sharon: How was school today, Stanley?
Stan: It was ridiculous. We have to have a new school mascot and we're supposed to vote between a giant douche and a turd sandwich.
Sharon: ...What did you say?
Randy: Did you just say that... voting is ridiculous?
Stan: No, I think voting is great, but, if I have to choose between a douche and a turd, I just don't see the point.
Randy: [clenches his fists] You don't see the point! Oh, you young people just make me sick!
Sharon: Stanley, do you know how many people died so you could have the right to vote?!
Stan: Mom, I just don't think there's much of a difference between a douche and a turd. I d-I don't care.
Randy: [jumps upright and plants his hands on the table] You don't care?! You really want a turd sandwich as your school mascot?! On your football helmets?! A turd?!
Sharon: Well, hold on, Randy, I think a turd sandwich is a little better than them having a giant douche on their uniforms.
Randy: You're crazy!! A d-a douche is at least clean!
Sharon: It's sexist, is what it is!
Randy: You don't understand the issues, Sharon!
Sharon: Are you calling me ignorant?!
Randy: You think the school mascot should be a turd sandwich? Well you're not exactly Einstein!
Sharon: I am sick of you belittling my opinion, you son of a bitch! [picks up the casserole and chucks it at Randy, who ducks and looks back at her angrily. They both leave the table in opposite directions.]
Shelly: [leaving the table as well] I hate this family, I hate it! [Stan looks on, shocked, while Marvin continues eating unruffled. The door bell rings. Stan leaves the table and opens the front door. A black man is outside... with his posse]
Stan: Puff Daddy?
Puff Daddy: Your friend Kyle told me you don't understand the importance of voting.
Stan: I...
Puff Daddy: Apparently, you haven't heard of my "Vote or Die" campaign. [holds up a shirt with the slogan on it]
Stan: "Vote or Die"? [upset] What the hell does that even mean?!
Puff Daddy: [whips out a gun from his back pocket, cocks it, and aims it at Stan] What you think it means, bitch!
Stan: Aaaah!
Scene Description: Music video. Stan is running down the street. An open-roof car pops up behind him and bears down on him.
Posse: Vote or die, motherfucker, motherfucker, vote or die!.
Puff Daddy: Rock the vote or else I'm gonna stick a knife through your eye..
Posse: Democracy is founded on one simple rule!
Scene Description: Overhead shot of Puff Daddy, dressed in a white suit, then in a black suit.
Puff Daddy: Get out there and vote or I will motherfucking kill you.Yeah.
Scene Description: At a polling station encouraging one female voter.
Puff Daddy: I like it when you vote, bitch! (bitch!) Shake them titties when you vote, bitch! (bitch!) [seated as two women dance for him, their asses in his face] I slam my jimmy through your mouth roof (mouth roof) [gently spanks a woman as she goes in to vote] Now get your big ass in the pollin' booth. [Fish-eye overhead view of Puff Daddy. He shoves his gun into the camera] I said vote, bitch, or I'll fucking kill you!
Scene Description: Stan runs until he sees a passageway between two buildings. He does in to try to escape, but Puff Daddy and his crew find him.
Posse: Vote or die, motherfucker, motherfucker, vote or die!
Puff Daddy: You can't run from a .38, go ahead and try!
Scene Description: Puffy is seated in an armchair wearing a wig, surrounded by women, all in front of a Vegas-style sign saying "DIDDY"
Posse: Let your opinion be heard! You gotta make a choice
Scene Description: Raps to a chrome reflection.
Puff Daddy: 'Cause after I slit your throat you won't have a fucking voice [Stan runs again, looking behind him, but runs into a gun in his face]
Puff Daddy: Vote or die! Vote or die! [Puff Daddy's gun is joined by the guns of his posse. Stan is looking at five barrels]
Stan: ...Okay. I'll vote.
Scene Description: Cartman and Butters begin door-to-door campaigning. Cartman knocks on a door and Clyde answers.
Clyde: What do you guys want?
Cartman: We were just wondering who you might be voting for, for the school's new mascot.
Clyde: I haven't decided yet.
Cartman: Oh really? Well, that's interesting. You certainly should think about it and make the right decision. [pulls out a wrapped hard candy and shows it] Butterscotch candy?
Clyde: [reaches out and grabs it] Sure. [opens it]
Cartman: Clyde, are you aware of what Turd Sandwich can bring to our school?
Butters: A turd sandwich is not only the first turd to be nominated school mascot, but even the first sandwich. [Clyde bites into the candy, producing loud crunches]
Cartman: You see, what Turd Sandwich brings to our school, Clyde, is a complete package. The turd and the bread. And the lettuce, and the olives.
Butters: Whe-where as Giant Douche is just, well, ju-just a, ju-ju-just a giant douche.
Cartman: So, come voting day, you'll now most likely vote for the turd sandwich, yes?
Clyde: [finishes the candy, then thinks for a few seconds] I'm still not totally sure.
Cartman: Well then, perhaps we could interest you in [pulls out another wrapped candy] another butterscotch candy? [Clyde takes the candy and consumes that one as well]
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, now a polling station. A "Vote for School Mascot!" hangs on the back wall and over the hallway. A reluctant Stan takes a ballot, and Kyle smiles, thinking he has Stan on his side.
Kyle: You're doing the right thing, Stan. Don't you feel like you're a part of something now?
Stan: I guess... [P Diddy and his posse look on from one end of the polling station, with P cocking his gun]
Kyle: Look, it may not seem important now, but your vote really does count, and we all have to do our part.
Stan: Okay. [finishes up and seals his ballot, then walks away]
Kyle: Woah... wait, what are you doing?
Stan: I'm voting.
Kyle: No, no, you... you wrote down Turd Sandwich.
Stan: Yeah, I know.
Kyle: ...Dude, you're supposed to vote for Giant Douche.
Stan: [annoyed] I thought I was supposed to make my own decision.
Kyle: Well yeah, but not if your decision is for Turd Sandwich! What the hell is wrong with you?!
Stan: Wait a minute, you didn't want me to vote, you wanted me to vote for your guy!
Kyle: Well, I just figured you'd vote for my guy! Who's fuckin' friend are you?! [calls out to] Puffy!
Cartman: [interrupts] Hey, fuck off, Kyle. [aside, about Puffy and his crew] Don't let them intimidate you, Stan. I'll help walk you to the booth. And then I'm gonna buy you a nice steak dinner with all the trimmings.
Stan: Oh, forget it! I'm not gonna be persuaded into voting and I'm and I'm not gonna be threatened into voting if I don't feel comfortable with it! I'm not gonna vote and you can all just live with it!
Scene Description: The Principal's Office, later.
Principal Victoria: We've simply had it with your son, Mr. and Mrs. Marsh. Voting just doesn't appear to be important to him.
Randy: Stanley, when you left for school this morning, you said you were going to vote!
Stan: The whole thing is a joke!
Sharon: You see? He's out of control. It's nearly torn our whole family apart.
Principal Victoria: Well, my hands are tied. We can no longer have Stan's behavior jeopardizing the other children. He must be removed.
Randy: Oh! Are you happy now, Stan? You just got yourself suspended!
Principal Victoria: No, I'm afraid it's worse than that. By county law I'm bound to enforce the harshest punishment possible.
Randy: Expulsion?!
Principal Victoria: No. Banishment.
Stan: B-bani-banishment?
Principal Victoria: You can appeal to the city council, but I don't think it'll do any good. Your son must leave South Park, never to return.
Sharon: [goes over to Randy and cries into his chest] Oh, Randy!
Randy: Our son, banished! Where did we go wrong?! [cries on Sharon's shoulder]
Stan: You-you're all joking, right?
Scene Description: A moonlit partly-cloudy night in South Park. The townsfolk are gathered at the edge of town, with Stan facing them all alone. A horse stands at the ready on one side of Main Street.
Mayor McDaniels: [steps forth and reads a proclamation] As it was in the times of our forefathers, so it is now. Stan Marsh, for not following our most sacred of rites, you are hereby banished from South Park for all eternity. Or until you decide that voting is important. Good-bye, Stan. May the gods treat you more kindly than we did. [the townsfolk step forth and begin ripping away at Stan's coat and shirt. Herbert Garrison is first: he rips off a piece of Stan's coat, spits on it, and throws it back at Stan. He leaves and Officer Barbady steps forth, repeating what Herbert Garrison did. Craig follows suit, then Kyle steps up]
Kyle: Stan, don't you think this has gone far enough? Is it really that big a deal? [Stan sighs, but says nothing more in response] Yeah, just vote. For Giant Douche.
Stan: I'm not voting! [Kyle then steps forth and repeats what the others did before him]
A bodyguard: Yo, Puffy man, are we just gonna let this happen? [cocks his weapon] We've gots to kill this non-votin' fool!
Puff Daddy: No, Justacious, let him go. He won't survive a fore-night in the wilderness. [the adults tie Stan up on the horse backwards and send him off with supplies to tide him over for a while]
Randy: This is breaking your mother's heart, Stan. She couldn't even help tie you to the horse.
Stan: Dad, isn't this a little extreme?
Randy: Jesus. I guess maybe you'll never understand how important voting is. [puts a pail over Stan's head] Goodbye, Son. [stops for a few seconds, then swats the horse to get it moving. The horse walks off slowly. Stephen Stotch steps up with a horn and blows into it. Randy and Sharon stand together, embracing shoulders] That's... one of the hardest things a parent ever has to do.
Scene Description: A plain, night. Stan rides into the night and into the morning on the plain, then through a desert, then into a forest. A group of people appear and spot him
Bearded PETA member: Look! What is that?
Blonde PETA member 2: Oh, the poor thing!
Stan: Hello? [the people gather round and remove the pail]
Blonde PETA member 2: Don't worry, we'll free you.
Bearded PETA member: Just sit still for a moment.
Stan: Oh, thank God.
Bearded PETA member: Get offa him, you filthy human! [they throw Stan off the horse. The pail rolls away. Stan looks back, confused, tufts of hair popping out through the holes on his torn cap. The people were apparently talking to the horse, not to him. The camera goes back to the horse, and the people are shown to be members of PETA. They're cleaning the horse up]
Blonde PETA member 2: Poor thing needs water.
Bearded PETA member: You're safe now.
Blonde PETA member 2: Shame on you, making this horse your slave. [a balding man throws real blood on Stan]
Stan: Awww!
Blonde PETA member 2: Come, you can live with us.
Bearded PETA member: We will give you food and shelter.
Stan: What about me?
Bearded PETA member: Open the gate! [A pair of gates open up to the PETA compound. The members lead the horse in and Stan trails along. They approach whom looks to be the leader of the compound. The compound itself has all kinds of animals - it's an animal sanctuary]
Blonde PETA member: [presenting the horse]This poor creature is in need of food and water.
Balding man: [strokes the horse's mane] You have a home here, friend.
Bearded PETA member: The... kid wants to stay, too.
Stan: I was put on the horse. I didn't wanna ride it.
Balding man: I don't know if you can stay. We'll have to ask Dr. Cornwallis. Come. [they walk among the animals. Stan looks around and takes it all in.] We don't normally allow outsiders. See, here we live in harmony with animals. They're not our pets but our fellow living beings. We work with the animals and try to live as they do. [stops, lowers his pants, and shits onto the ground. Stan looks on astonishment, then walks around the pile of shit as the man pulls his pants back up and walks on.] We make friends with the animals. We coexist, and we... intermarry. [approaches a llama and puts his arm around her neck] This is my wife, Janice. [Stan looks on quizzically] The outside world looks down on a man marrying a llama, but our love knows no boundaries. [he turns to the llama, has her face him, and starts kissing her. Stan just gawks at the pair]
Stan: Wow, you guys really love animals.
Balding man: [moves on to a man and a chicken] And why not? Mark here has been with Kelly for three years now. [moves on to another man and an ostrich] And Gary and Sally here have just managed to have a child together. [in a manger is an ostrich-baby, somewhat humanoid with an ostrich beak]
Ostrich-baby: Kill me...
Balding man: Yes, life here is good and natural. But now that you know where our compound is, you'll either have to live with us, or be murdered. [they stop before a tent]
Stan: I'll live with you.
Balding man: It's not up to you. You'll have to talk with Dr. Cornwallis. [Stan pauses at the tent's entrance, then enters and approaches a goat, which is munching on hay. The goat stops and looks at Stan, then resumes eating. Stan exits the tent] What did he say?
Stan: He said I can stay.
Balding man: Excellent! Dr. Cornwallis is wise beyond his year. Here's your PETA shirt and a bumper sticker. [Stan looks at his new stuff]
Scene Description: SP Public Access Presents: Debate 2004.
Announcer: This is Debate 2004 with your host, Jim Lehrer.
Jim Lehrer: Welcome to the cable-access televised debate between a giant douche [screen left] and a turd sandwich [screen right] We'll start with Giant Douche. Sir, some students and parents are reluctant to have a... giant douche represent them. What do you say to those people?
Giant Douche: Jim, first of all I would like to thank you for monitoring this debate. And I would like to thank all of the students and their parents for coming.
Cartman: Aww, suck-up, suck-up! [a man behind him and to his right leans over and shushes him] What?! That's an obvious suck-up move.
Giant Douche: But I would hope that those students and their parents who question my qualities would simply look at my opponent. He is a turd sandwich
Turd Sandwich: [leaning forward] You're a turd sandwich.
Giant Douche: ... No, sir, if you'll pardon me, you are in fact, the turd sandwich.
Turd Sandwich: [quickly countering] You're a turd sandwich.
Giant Douche: ... Sir, you are a turd sandwich.
Turd Sandwich: [quickly countering] You're a turd sandwich.
Jim Lehrer: Ahh, Turd Sandwich, I will ask you not to speak out of turn.
Turd Sandwich: I-I'm sorry, Jim.
Giant Douche: Anyway, as I was saying, ahh... wait, I-I forgot what I was saying.
Turd Sandwich: Ha. What a douche.
Jim Lehrer: All right, Turd Sandwich, this next question is for you. How should South Park Elementary enforce its laws of conduct for young athletes during sporting events.
Turd Sandwich: [long pause] ...Uh, you know, uh, my opponent wouldn't even know the answer to that question. If you ask him the same question, he would not answer it. [Giant Douche just looks at him] He would stand around and just babble on and on about nothing until he was finally saved by the buzze-. [the buzzer sounds over his last two words.]
Jim Lehrer: Your time is up, Turd.
Scene Description: The PETA compound, next morning. Stan scrubs away at the empty tubs and buckets of food the animals ate from the previous day. The bald man approaches.
Balding man: Stan, I want to introduce you to my stepdaughter, Teresa. [the camera pans down to show a lamb with small horns] She seems to have taken a liking to you. [suggestively] And she's ovulating.
Stan: Ahh, no thanks, that's okay.
Balding man: Stan, some PETA members are growing concerned that maybe you don't love animals.
Stan: I do love animals, just ...not like you guys do.
Balding man: You... don't belong here, Stan. You should return home.
Stan: I can't. I was banished for not voting.
Balding man: But, why on earth wouldn't you wanna vote?
Stan: I think voting is great. I just didn't care this time because it was between a giant douche and a turd sandwich.
Balding man: But Stan, don't you know? It's always between a giant douche and a turd sandwich. Nearly every election since the beginning of time has been between some douche and some turd. They're the only people who suck up enough to make it that far in politics.
Stan: I guess... I guess you're right. [casts his eyes down and to the left in reflection. An arm appears, with a gun at the end aimed at Stan]
Puff Daddy: Yo, what did I say was going to happen to you, bitch? [his four bodyguards aim their guns at Stan as well]
Stan: [jumps] Aaah!
Man in shorts: [pops in] Aaaah!! He's wearing the skin of an animal! [runs off, only to return with a pail of real blood] Take that! [throws the blood at Puff Daddy, who spreads his arms out and down. The man calms down] I... hope that teaches you a lesson about wearing fur.
Puff Daddy: Itius, Rodicus! [the bodyguards fire their weapons at the PETA members]
Bodyguard: Vote or die!
Stan: [braves his way through the crossfire, but gets hit on his left shoulder] Aaaah!! [keeps moving]
PETA man: [goes to shield a dog] Protect the animals! Protect the animals! [he's shot and falls away. The dog then urinates on the man's head]
Balding man: [rushes up to his llama and holds her] Janice, we shall die together in each other's arms! [three shots kill him and the llama prances away. More PETA members fall.]
Ostrich-baby: Kill me! Kill meee!! [Dr. Cornwallis is out of his tent and munching on the head of a dead man]
Scene Description: South Park Elementary polling station. Mr. Mackey tallies up the votes.
Mr. Mackey: M'kay... that's one more vote for Turd Sandwich.
Randy: [through clenched teeth] So who won, Mr. Mackey?
Mr. Mackey: It's pretty close, but it looks like Giant Douche is gonna win.
Cartman: Oh, no! Noooo!!
Kyle: Ha! You lose, fatass!
Butters: [by the doors, motions to the others to look] Uh hey, wait a minute! [the others present gather round and look out. Stan approaches the school, battered and injured, and the others stream out of the school]
Randy: Stan!
Sharon: Stan, you came back. Does that mean... you learned the importance of voting?
Stan: I learned that I'd better get used to having to pick between a douche and a turd sandwich because it's usually the choice I'll have.
Randy: He's going to vote!
Townsfolk: [murmuring amongst themselves] He's going to vote. He's going to vote. [they gather round and hoist Stan up, carrying him inside. Stan is lowered and he fills out the ballot. He holds his shoulder and thinks a moment while images of an eagle, the White House, and the US flag float in the background. He makes up his mind, he votes for Turd Sandwich. He considers his vote, then approaches the ballot box and drops his ballot in. Mr. Mackey, holding the box, spins around in his chair happily.]
Singer: Let's get out the vote! Let's make our voices heard! We've been given the right to choose between a douche and a turd. It's democracy in action! Put your freedom to the test. A big, fat turd or a stupid douche. Which do you like best?
Mr. Mackey: [Adding Stan's vote to the tally] Stan's vote bring the total votes for Turd Sandwich to... thirty six! And Giant Douche has... one thousand, four hundred, and ten. Giant Douche still wins!
Some townsfolk: Yeah! All right!
Other townsfolk: Aawwww!
Stan: Dude, so my vote didn't even really matter!
Randy: Hey! That's not true, Stan.
Sharon: [genuflects behind Stan] You can't judge the merits of voting on whether or not your candidate won.
Randy: [genuflects behind Stan] Your vote still mattered.
Herbert Garrison: [rushing into the school] Hey everybody! [holds up a shredded PETA shirt. Everyone turns and looks] They just found all the PETA members murdered at their compound! [all gasp]
Mr. Mackey: What the? They're all dead? Well, that means...
Clyde: That we can go back to being the South Park Cows! [opens his jacket and shows off his Cows shirt]
All: Hooray! All right!
Randy: [to Stan] Now your vote didn't matter.


Scene Description: South Park, day. A lovely tree appears and the camera pans down to street level. Stan and friends are on the sidewalk across the street moving along.
Cartman: You guys know what? Um, the last thing you do when you die, is crap your pants.
Stan: ...What?
Cartman: Yeah, when you die, your jowels release and crap comes flying out your ass. [laughs heartily. The other boys stop]
Kyle: That is fucking stupid, Cartman!
Cartman: Oh yeah?! I'll bet you five bucks that when you die you crap your pants, asshole!
Herbert Garrison: Hey everybody, it's time! [everyone stops and looks] It's time!
Townsfolk: [a small group] It's time. Oh, it's time? It's happening. It's happening now? Let's go! [they move off to their left]
Stan: It's time for what?
Herbert Garrison: Get down to Metzger's Field! It's about to happen! [everyone follows him towards the field]
Scene Description: Metzger's Field, later. A man is speaking to the crowd gathered there.
Manager: People of South Park I am pleased to be with you on this most historic day. A day you were certainly all remember... as the day your town... became great. The grand opening of the first South Park... Wall-Mart! [the camera zooms out to show the full scope of the store. Everyone applauds and cheers]
Randy: [hugging Sharon] Look at it, honey. It's so big.
Herbert Garrison: [hugging Mr. Slave] It's like we're a real town now. [the boys finally arrive]
Cartman: Whoa, awesome!
Kyle: Hey! Isn't there where Stark's Pond used to be? Where we used to kayak and fish?
Man: Yeah! Now it's a Wall-Mart!
Manager: I know that with the opening of the South Park branch of Wall-Mart, you will all see your town completely change... [walks over to the entrance, which has a banner across it: "Grand Opening."] Now, shop friends. Shop! [steps aside and the doors open to a spacious store. The townsfolk rush inside]
Randy: It's beautiful!
Marvin Marsh: [greeting shoppers at the door.] Welcome to Wall-Mart. Welcome to Wall-Mart. ...Welcome to Wall-Mart.
Sheila: Sharon, isn't that your father?
Sharon: Yes. Wall-Mart is the leading employer of seniors. And they also employ the handicapped.
Jimmy: [approaching] Hello, Mrs. M-marsh. Can I help g- Can I help you get a sh- shopping cart today?
Sharon: Why yes, I'd love one, Jimmy. [Jimmy turns and approaches a line of carts. He tugs at the one in the front, wrestling it away from the other carts. Once it's out far enough, he jumps to the rear and pushes it out]
Chef: [awestruck] My God. Look at all these incredible bargains.
Cartman: [the boys are in the movie aisle] Dude, check it out! Time Cop on DVD. Three copies for eighteen bucks!
Kyle: Why the hell would you want three copies of the same movie?
Cartman: Because one copy is nine ninety-eight! But this way you save like twenty bucks!
Kyle: You only need one copy, r-tard!
Cartman: Okay, fine, dumbass, YOU go ahead and buy one copy for nine ninety-eight!
Kyle: Okay, fine, I will! [grabs a copy] H-wait a minute! I don't even want one copy of Time Cop! [puts it back]
Cartman: Dude, you can't shop for crap. [a wide shot of the store]
Woman: [shopping with her husband] I can't believe these bargains.
Manager: [from an office window above the showroom floor] Fools. Ignorant fools.
Scene Description: The Marsh house, night. The living room has been redecorated with items got from Wall-Mart. The family is enjoying snacks in fancy plasticware.
Randy: Just look at the Marsh family, huh? Brand-new television, new plastic dishware and cups, and enough bulk-buy ramen to last us a thousand winters. [three huge pallets of ramen are shown]
Stan: Dad, how come Wall-Mart is able to sell everything so cheap?
Randy: It's simple economics, son. I don't understand it at all, but, God I love it.
Scene Description: The Marsh house, later. The house is asleep; Randy is dreaming, and reacting to his dreams.
Whispers: Six ninety-nine, fifteen dollars, free for fifteen ninety-eight...
Randy: [suddenly awake] Aaaah! [looks at the window and crawls out of bed, then walks towards the window. He plants his hands on the window panes, and in the distance he sees that great shining beacon called Wall-Mart. He opens his pajama shirt and presses his body against the window. A soft sigh leaves his lungs...] Yeaaah... [Sharon wakes up]
Sharon: Randy, what are you doing?!
Randy: [wraps himself up again and goes back to bed] Anu-nothing! [puts on his slippers] I'ma-I'ma-I'm just gonna head down to the Wall-Mart real quick.
Sharon: It's almost midnight.
Randy: Yeah, think about it. If I go there now, there won't be anybody else there. [with determination] I can have all the bargains to myself! [heads out]
Scene Description: Wall-Mart, midnight. Randy enters dressed in pajamas and robe, only to find more shoppers in there. Wall-Mart never closes, and it's never empty. An elderly lady greets him.
Elderly Woman: Thanks for coming to Wall-Mart. [waves] All are welcome. All are welcome! [Randy is stunned that he's not the only shopper there]
Scene Description: Next morning, the boys are on a sidewalk heading towards downtown.
Cartman: Excuse me! Hello?! Can somebody tell my why we're going to Jim's Drugs to buy Voltar cards when Wall-Mart has them for three bucks cheaper?
Kyle: Dude, I can't deal with Wall-Mart right now. My parents had me there for three hours last night. [they pass by a man closing up his shop for the last time]
Mr. Farkle: Oh, sorry boys. I'm going out of business.
Kyle: Why, Mr. Farkle?
Mr. Farkle: I can't compete with Wall-Mart's low prices. Everyone is shopping there now, and... well, I can't make ends meet. [Cartman pulls out a violin from somewhere and begins playing it masterfully] I've got to sell the store and try to find another line of work.
Kyle: [glares at Cartman] Cartman, stop it!
Cartman: What? I just felt like playing a little violin, Kyle.
Mr. Farkle: I appreciate your business, boys, but you'll have to try somewhere else in town. [walks away sobbing]
Kyle: See?! That sucks, dude!
Cartman: What? That's called progress, Kyle.
Kyle: Yeah, but what about all the people getting laid off from the grocery stores? [Cartman whips out the violin and plays it again] And what about all the- [looks at Cartman, takes away his violin, breaks it in half using his leg, and throws the pieces to the ground]
Cartman: ... Whatever. I can go get another one at Wall-Mart. It was only five bucks. [gives Kyle the finger, turns around, and walks away. Kyle watches him leave]
Stan: Come on, let's go to Main Street and support one of those stores. [Kyle turns, and the three remaining boys walk away.]
Scene Description: Downtown, later. The boys arrive at Main Street and are startled.
Kyle: What the hell? [before them is a downtown that is shuttered and decayed. The asphalt is gone from the roads and eagles hover over the area. A window crashing makes them jump, and Butters appears around a corner, making weird noises.]
Stan: Butters? [more strange noises come from Butters' mouth]
Kyle: Butters? What the hell are you doing?
Butters: Wull ah I'm just playin' Monster. It's kinda spooky out here. [this is true. Butters resumes his monster act.]
Stan: Dude, we gotta show our parents what Wall-Mart is doing to our town. [the boys turn and leave.]
Scene Description: The Marsh house, later. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny enter to find a house stuffed with Wall-Mart items.
Stan: Dad? [looks around at all the stuff] Jesus Christ, Da-dad! Dad?!
Randy: Staaaan? [the boys hear him and rush over to the source of the noises]
Stan: Dad, oh my God!
Randy: Staan...
Stan: What? D-dad, are are you dying?
Randy: No, I'm just... really, really tired. I... was shopping at Wall-Mart all night.
Stan: But you-your face!
Randy: Checkout line... They had these... little stickers filled with glitter! They were only ninety nine cents for 15 of them. I couldn't resist! Do you want one? [tears one off and sticks it to Stan's cheek] Here. It's a little turtle. [faints and falls over]
Scene Description: Wall-Mart, later. Shopping continues as usual. In his office, the Manager nervously reaches into his desk drawer and pulls out a bottle of liquor. He takes two sips and quickly hides it when he hears a knock at his door.
Manager: Come in? [the boys and their parents, Butters' parents, Chef, Herbert Garrison and Mr. Slave all enter] Oh hello, fine shoppers.
Chef: Sir, we just had a big town meeting, and decided we don't want your Wall-Mart here anymore.
Randy: We're sorry, but it seems our Main Street is dying and good people are losing their jobs. We'd all like you... out of South Park.
Manager: [begins to cackle nervously] What? What, you think I want to be here? I hate this place. But it... won't let me leave.
Kyle: But you run the Wall-Mart.
Manager: Oh, you're wrong! [rises from his chair and moves towards the group] Wall-Mart... isn't run by anybody! First it reels you in with its bargains. Next thing you know you, you're working at the Wall-Mart because it has all the jobs. Then you're sitting in a little office, trapped on all sides.
Chef: They why don't you just quit?!
Manager: [whispering loudly] Not so loud! It can hear you.
Kyle: You hate Wall-Mart, too? [rumbles emanate from the walls]
Manager: Aah! [nervously] I didn't say that! I love Wall-Mart! With all its... fantastic bargains and one-stop shopping, who can't love it, right? [turns around and grabs some papers] Uh, Wa-Wall-Mart takes the hassle out of shopping and, and makes it both affordable and fun. [he writes as he talks, then shows the group what he wrote: "NOT SAFE TO TALK HERE."] Ah-and Wall-Mart really gives back to the community! Us people are certainly happy to have a store like Wall-Mart, aren't we? [writes some more and shows the group a second sheet: "MEET ME OUT BACK IN 5 MINS." He grimaces and tries to hint at them. The group leaves.]
Randy: Hey, wait a minute, I think we just got squirreled.
Gerald: Yeah. That guy probably thinks he can get us to go away by being so goofy! [circles his finger round his ear to indicate insanity. Seconds later the manager screams and flies out the window, only to end up hanging himself. The group looks on as the manager's pants drop off and poo follows shortly]
Cartman: [catching up with the other boys] Ha! You owe me five bucks, Kyle!
Scene Description: The Marsh house, night. The family is at table waiting for dinner. Sharon walks in with steaks.
Sharon: Here we go, everyone. I got three nice steaks from South Park Grocery. We'll have to share them.
Randy: Heh, I remember when we could afford to buy six steaks when we shopped at Wall-Mart.
Stan: Yeah, but Dad, the whole town agreed not to shop at Wall-Mart anymore.
Randy: I know, I know! God! [pounds the table] Bleeeh! [Sharon joins them at table and the family begins eating]
Stan: Mom, Dad, when people die, do they always crap their- [knocks over his glass of milk, which spills onto Shelly]
Shelly: Oh, you stupid turd!
Randy: Oh Jesus, a broken glass! Well, I don't see any choice now! We have to go to Wall-Mart!
Sharon: We do?
Randy: Huh! Where else are we gonna get a new glass at this hour?! Everyone get your shoes on, we're goin' to Wall-Mart!
Stan: But Dad, we're not supposed to shop at-
Randy: STAN! One family buying one glass isn't gonna make a difference!
Scene Description: Wall-Mart, night. The Marsh family arrives and sees what Randy saw before.
Randy: Heeeey... [The Broflovskis approach and Randy looks] Gerald, what are you doing?! We said we weren't going to shop at the Wall-Mart anymore!
Gerald: Well where else was I gonna get a napkin dispenser at nine thirty at night?
Randy: [noticing other familiar faces] Mr. Garrison! Chef! Jimbo! [the shoppers stop and look] Now, come on people! What the hell is wrong with you?! Don't you see what you're all doing?!
Herbert Garrison: Well what are you doing here, Randy?
Randy: I came because I wanted to make sure nobody was shopping here.
Stan: Dad!
Randy: Oh all right, maybe I was gonna buy a glass. One glass! ... And some chips. And butter. [pulls out a sheet and looks at it] And some new pliers.
Gerald: Jesus! Look at us! We all don't like the Wall-Mart, but we can't stop coming here.
Jimbo: It's like some mystical evil force.
Randy: Yeah. This place has a power over us we can't resist! We have to find a way to put the South Park Wall-Mart out of business once and for all!
Herbert Garrison: Let's burn it down!
Chef: No, no, no! Let's freeze it!
Stephen: I think it's best we try to reason with it.
Kyle: No! All we have to do is not shop at Wall-Mart anymore! If you want it to go away, all it takes is a little self-control and personal responsibility.
Scene Description: Outside, later. The Wall-Mart is on fire and the shoppers are watching it burn.
Randy: Kumbaya, my Lord, Kumbaya. [the people begin to sway back and forth]
All: Kumbaya, my Lord, Kumbaya. Kumbaya, my Lord...
Scene Description: Sidewalk, next day. The boys are walking along.
Cartman: You butthole, Kyle. You just had to go and ruin everything, didn't you?
Kyle: [looking at Cartman] It wasn't my idea to burn the Wall-Mart down.
Cartman: No, but you got everyone all worked up! You're always jealous of the Wall-Mart. You always hated it.
Kyle: Dude, our town is going to be better without the- [sounds of construction are heard. Kyle turns to look. ] What the?
Cartman: Oh, awesome! [rushes towards Wall-Mart]
Kyle: How... How did this happen? [the other boys make their way to the store, then look around at the restored store, which is running as if nothing had happened the night before. Kyle's parents are shopping there, and they run into the boys.] Mom, Dad? Why are you shopping here?
Gerald: We can't destroy it, son. We have to learn to live with it.
Randy: Can I help you? [the boys turn around and see the man is Randy, and the jump back in fright]
Stan: Dad, what are you doing?!
Randy: You get a discount working here. Ten percent. That means the bargains are even better.
Stan: Dad, you're a geologist!
Randy: I'll make less money, sure, but... as long as I buy everything at Wall-Mart, it'll all even out. Don't you see? Wall-Mart isn't our enemy, it's our neighborhood friend.
Scene Description: Outside. The boys walk away from Wall-Mart and see a driver lifting I-beams into place with his crane.
Kyle: Hey! Hey! [the driver looks at them] Who the hell told you to put this thing back up?!
Driver: Sorry kid, we've got orders from corporate headquarters.
Kyle: But nobody wants a Wall-Mart here!
Driver: You're gonna have to talk to the higher-ups.
Stan: Where are they?
Driver: Bentonville, Arkansas. That's where Wall-Mart started, that's where all the bigwigs are. [drives away]
Kyle: Looks like we're gonna have to go to Arkansas. Come on, guys. We're gonna put a stop to Wall-Mart once and for all!
Cartman: [Inside the store] Whoa, Pixie Sticks, twenty-nine ceeeents? [freezes in place and hears sounds] Wall-Mart? ...Are you speaking to me? ...My friends? ...Trying to hurt you again? [turns a little angry] Yes, Wall-Mart. I understand. [with a look of determination, he leaves the store.]
Scene Description: Coyote Lines, night. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny are at the ticket booth.
Stan: Three tickets to Bentonville, Arkansas, please.
Cartman: [rushing up to join them] Wait! Guys! Hold on! I wanna go with you and help out.
Kyle: No way! You wanna go with us so you can betray us at some point and keep us from destroying the Wall-Mart.
Cartman: Nuh-uh.
Kyle: Yeah, huh! You wanna go with us so that later you go, "Haha! I was working for Wall-Mart all along!" or something.
Cartman: I am not, Kyle!
Stan: Dude, just let him come. The bus is about to leave. [he and Kenny head for the doors]
Kyle: All right, fine. Come on, fatass! [leaves to catch up with Stan.]
Cartman: [pulls out a knife from his back pocket] Haha. You fools have no idea that I would never let you hurt the Wall-Mart.
Kyle: [rushes out to face Cartman] I heard that!
Cartman: You heard what?
Kyle: You said we have no idea that you're never let us hurt Wall-Mart!
Cartman: That's not what I said! [Stan comes out to see what's going on]
Stan: Dude, come on!
Kyle: He is working for the Wall-Mart to stop us from succeeding!
Stan: Dude, we have to go!
Kyle: God-damnit! [turns and heads towards Stan]
Stan: Well hurry up if you're coming, Cartman!
Cartman: [to himself] Hehe. You stupid fools have no idea that I'm actually working for the Wall-Mart to stop you from succeeding!
Scene Description: Bentonville, Home of Wall-Mart. A bus pulls up to the store's headquarters and lets the four boys off.
Stan: Goddamn, that took a long time.
Kyle: It would've been faster if Cartman hadn't slashed the tires!
Cartman: [drawing out the syllables] I did not! I wanna close Wall-Mart just as much as you guys do!
Scene Description: Corporate Headquarters, inside. A cavernous warehouse opens up before them, with busy workers, and a receptionist greets them.
Receptionist: Can I help you?
Kyle: Yeah. We've come to complain. We don't want a Wall-Mart in our town.
Receptionist: Who does? Nobody likes what the Wall-Mart does, but it keeps... right on doing it.
Kyle: We want to talk to who's in charge.
Receptionist: In charge? I guess that would be Harvey Brown. He's the current president of Wall-Mart. One of the original creators.
Stan: Where's he?
Scene Description: An ashtray. A hand rubs spent cigarette butts into it. The camera pulls out to reveal the president and the boys, and lots of empty glasses of liquor.
Harvey Brown: We... invented the Wall-Mart Super Center in 1987. The idea was simple: build a store for one-stop shopping where bulk purchases could keep prices incredibly low. [defeated, buries his face in his left hand] We didn't know what we were doing. In just four years, it was out of control.
Kyle: So how do we stop it?
Harvey Brown: [raises his head] You don't stop it.
Stan: There has to be a way!
Harvey Brown: There's nothing! Don't you understand?! Nothing can stop the Wall-Mart in your town! ...Unless... of course, you can find and destroy its heart.
Kyle: The heart of Wall-Mart?
Cartman: Sir, don't you think you're talking a little too much?
Harvey Brown: Every Wall-Mart has a heart, somewhere near the television department. Destroy the heart and you could reverse the entire process!
Cartman: You speak too much, sir!
Stan: Why don't you guys just destroy the heart?
Harvey Brown: Because the Wall-Mart stops you. Many have tried, kid. Union leaders, nature activists, even the best fair-trade lawyers tried to stop the Wall-Mart and now. They are Wall-Mart shoppers all.
Kyle: All right. C'mon you guys. We have to get back home. [they drop down and leave the room]
Harvey Brown: [shakes his head] It won't work, don't you understand?! It isn't gonna stop until there's nothing but Wall-Mart left! Jesus, what did we do?! What did we do?! [the boys are at the doors, about to leave. Mr. Brown spins around on his stool] Boys! [the boys turn and see him take a gun to his head] Tell the world... I'm sorry! [the boys are alarmed]
Stan: No, dude, don't! [Mr. Brown shoots himself through the temple and falls over on his left side, dead. Seconds later he craps through his pants, leaving a hole in them and a fallen bar stool nearby. A few moments of shock, and then Cartman cracks up]
Cartman: [pointing to Kyle] That's ten bucks you owe me, dick-face!
Scene Description: A stormy night in front of Wall-Mart. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny arrive dressed in camouflage.
Kyle: All right, this is it! If Wall-Mart has a heart, we have to find it and destroy it! No matter what the Wall-Mart does to try to stop us, we have to be strong! Let's do it.
Cartman: [rushes in and blocks their path. holding a dagger] I'm afraid not, Kyle! Wall-Mart is a great store! I could not let you fools ruin its terrific bargains! You see, I was working for Wall-Mart all along!
Kyle: I knew you were!
Cartman: No, you didn't.
Kyle: Yes, I did! I said from the beginning that you would do this!
Cartman: No, you didn't.
Kyle: Yes, I did!
Cartman: No, you didn't.
Kyle: Yes, I did!
Cartman: No, you didn't.
Kyle: Yes, I did!
Cartman: No, you didn't.
Kyle: Yes. I did! [a few more rounds of this and they stand head to head, silent]
Cartman: ...You see, Kyle, it was me who slashed the bu-
Kyle: [interrupting] -slashed the bus tires in Arkansas! I said so! I told you the minute that I- [Cartman babbles loudly to drown him out] -and I told you that-
Cartman: [plugs his ears] I can't hear you! Lalalalalala! [once he's sure Kyle is quiet, he unplugs his ears and pulls out his dagger] I'm sorry, boys. But if you want to hurt the Wall-Mart, you'll have to go through me! [holds out the dagger, ready for battle.]
Kyle: [he and Stan walk around Cartman] We don't have time for this! Kenny, keep him away from us! [Kenny does as told]
Cartman: Very well, Kenny! Let us battle! [Kenny begins delivering blows at Cartman] Ow, Kenny. K-Kenny! Knock it off.
Scene Description: Stan and Kyle enter the store and walk past the greeter Marvin Marsh.
Marvin Marsh: Welcome to Wall-Mart.
Stan: Save it, Grandpa!
Kyle: We've gotta find the television department. [the lights flicker and turn off. Randy leaps into view in front of the boys, carrying an ax. Stan and Kyle scream]
Randy: Boys, these axes are only four ninety-nine.
Stan: Dad, we know how to destroy the Wall-Mart.
Randy: Shhhhh! What are you talking about?
Stan: One of the creators told us. You have to take your keys over to the television department.
Randy: Television department... All right, come on, let's go! [they move down the aisle for some distance. Randy stops and jumps] Oh my God!
Stan: What?!
Randy: Those two-dollar salt-and-pepper shakers! They were three dollars five minutes ago! The Wall-Mart is lowering its prices trying to stop us!
Stan: Come on, we've got to try to make it to the back! [the three make their way to the back, but Randy can't help but look at all the bargains]
Randy: Gaaah! Don't look! Don't look at its bargains! [they come across a bunch of bikes priced at $29.99. They scream and run off. The boys run down another aisle, but Randy isn't with them.]
Kyle: I think I see the television department in the back!
Stan: Is that the right way, Dad? Dad?! [looks around, then turns to his right. Kyle turns to his left. Both boys see Randy] Dad!
Randy: The screwdriver set is only nine ninety-eight!
Stan: Come on, Dad!
Randy: I can't make it, boys! You're gonna have to go on without me!
Stan: No, dad! We need your keys!
Randy: This bargain is too great for me! I'm gonna have to buy these! Here! Take the keys and go on! [tosses the keys to Stan, who catches them] The television department is near the back! Next to the cell phones! Go! Hurry! I'm gonna go buy these screwdrivers! [the boys leave the aisle]
Stan: [passing the candy display] There! The television department!
Scene Description: The television department. The wall is lined with TVs of all sizes. A hand appears and presses a button, and all the TVs turn on, showing the boys on screen. The camera pans over to the two boys, who are looking at a man dressed in white.
Wall-Mart: Hello, boys. Congratulations on getting this far. [the boys approach him]
Kyle: Who are you?
Wall-Mart: I am... Wall-Mart. [the boys look at each other]
Stan: You?
Wall-Mart: I've taken this form in order to talk to you. But I can take many forms. [dons a brimmed hat] Does this suit you better? Or perhaps you prefer this form? [takes off the hat and puts on a robe] I can take whichever form I like. [removes the robe and puts on a pirate hat and black patch over his left eye.]
Stan: We don't want your store in our town; we come to destroy you.
Kyle: Where's the heart?
Wall-Mart: To find the heart of Wall-Mart, one must first ask oneself, "Who is it that asked the question?" [the boys look at each other again]
Stan: Me. I'm asking the question.
Wall-Mart: Ah, yes, but who are you?
Stan: Stan Marsh. Now, where's the heart?
Wall-Mart: Ah. You know the answer, but not the question!
Kyle: The question is, "Where is the heart?"
Wall-Mart: Very well. You want to see the heart of Wall-Mart? It lies beyond that plasma-screen television. [the boys look to their right and walk over. The open a small door marked "EMPLOYEES ONLY" and they open it. A rectangular mirror is behind it.]
Stan: It's a mirror.
Wall-Mart: Yes, don't you see? That is the heart of Wall-Mart. You, the consumer. I take many forms: Wall-Mart, K-Mart, Target. But I am one single entity: Desire!
Stan: Well, the guy in Arkansas said to destroy the heart. [the boys turn and face the mirror again, and Kyle takes a black mallet to it. It shatters.]
Wall-Mart: Gaaah! No! No, what have you done?! [the building begins to rumble] Now you shall see my true form! [Removes his mustache and begins to march around with vigor and laughing harshly] Now you see me as I truly am!
Stan: We'd better get out of here. [outside, Cartman and Kenny stop wrestling and witness the Wall-Mart rumbling and there's lighting flying around it. Inside, Stan and Kyle make their way to the front doors]
Chef: [panicking] Get out! It's gonna blow! [the shoppers pay heed]
Stan: Dad, come on! We've gotta get out!
Randy: Too late for me, son! I have to buy this stuff!
Kyle: The Wall-Mart is imploding! Everybody out NOW! [the shoppers and employees now bolt for the doors and run out as an M in Mart falls down.]
Scene Description: Outside on the parking lot, night. The building begins to collapse as everyone gathers in the parking lot. The building distorts, folds up and implodes into a shining blue dot, then reappears as crap, which falls to the ground where the Wall-Mart once stood. Cartman looks on in astonishment, then cracks up and walks away.
Herbert Garrison: [proudly] Boys, you did it! You killed the Wall-Mart! [the crowd cheers]
Gerald: How did you do it, Kyle?
Kyle: All Wall-Marts start a self-destruction sequence if you break a mirror in the back.
Chef: We know how to destroy it now. Spread the word to all the towns! [nearby, a soldier sits at the ready to send out the news on a telegraph]
Randy: Wait. I think I understand the symbolism of the mirror. The Wall-Mart... is us.
Kyle: Duh.
Randy: You see boys, if we like our small-town charm more than the big corporate bullies, we all have to be willing to... pay a little bit more. Do you understand?
Gerald: Yeah! Let's all go shop at Jim's Drugs down the street! [the crowd approves and marches down the street]
Scene Description: Jim's Drugs, later. He reopens for business and the crowd flocks to his store. Later, the small store is replaced by a larger two-story building, which in turn is replaced by a huge building reminiscent of the departed Wall-Mart, which in turn leads to Jim's Drugs' demise by fire.
Crowd: ...Oh Lord, Kumbaya.
Randy: All right, let's not make that mistake again.
Herbert Garrison: Yeah, lets all shop over at True Value!
Crowd: Let's go! Yeah! [the crowd moves to the store as one]