Scene Description: An elderly woman's home. Cartman rings her doorbell, and she answers it. Cartman is dressed in an orange hazmat suit and is carrying a tank of something on his back
Cartman: Hello, ma'am. I'm working to clean up the neighborhood from parasites. Do you mind if I take a quick look around your house? I'm afraid you may have hippies.
Elderly woman: Hippies?
Cartman: [walks in and begins to rap the walls with his fist] Yeah, they've been poppin' up all over the neighborhood lately. Ms. Nelson next door had seven hippies in her basement; they usually live in colonies. [raps on the wall and the pitch changes] Hm, I don't like the sound of that. Could I take a look in your attic?
Scene Description: The attic. He opens the door and looks in. He gets out a flashlight, turns it on, and looks around again. He stops after a few seconds.
Cartman: Oh yeah, boy. Take a look at this, ma'am. [she climbs up until her eyes are level with his] See that? Hippies. [five hippies are sitting in a clearing in the attic, smoking and laughing.]
Elderly woman: Oh my.
Cartman: These are what we call the uh giggling stoners. Pretty common form of hippie, usually found in the attics. Problem is, if you see one hippie, there's probably a whole lot more you're not seein'. Uh, whe-where's the backyard.
Scene Description: The backyard. The elderly lady opens the door and Cartman walks out onto the back porch
Cartman: Yep, that's what I thought. See that? You've got a drum circle in your backyard. [eight hippies are seen seated around a small campfire drumming away. Logs are scattered around them]
Elderly woman: Oh, well they showed up a few days ago, but I didn't think they were hurting anything.
Cartman: Yeah. You know, I had a guy in Jackson County. He had a little drum circle in his backyard. It turned into a drum circle four miles in diameter. You get a few hippies playing drums and next thing you know, you got yourself a colony.
Elderly woman: Oh dear.
Scene Description: back inside the house
Elderly woman: Oh, well, so, so what do I do?
Cartman: [goes back to rapping the walls, then stops] Well, your attic could be so we can fumigate with polymarethane. The drum circle we're gonna have to gas. [raps again. The wall begins to crack and he steps aside. A hippie breaks through and falls to the floor. Cartman says under his breath] God dammit! [pulls out a fire extinguisher from his backpack]
Hippie 1: [dazed and confused, coughing] Whoa, how did I get here? Man, I'm so high.
Cartman: God damn hippie! [opens fire. Foam spews out from the extinguisher]
Hippie 1: Whoa, dude!
Cartman: Get out of here!
Hippie 1: Not cool! [stands up and looks at Cartman] What's up?! [runs off]
Cartman: Ma'am, I need to clear out your giggling stoners and your drum-circle hippies RIGHT NOW, or soon they're gonna attract something much worse!
Elderly woman: Ooooo...what's that?
Cartman: The college know-it-all hippies.
Scene Description: The neighborhood, day. A red car pulls up to the curb. On the back window is a decal which says "University of Colorado at Boulder" Three men and three women step out of the car
Driver: [wearing green jacket] Wow, my friend Brittany was right. This is a really laid-back place.
Woman 1: [wearing tan jacket] Yeah, this will be a great place to spend spring break. [Stan, Kyle, and Kenny approach them]
Kyle: Hey, let's ask them. [the boys are wearing shoulder totes with magazines peeking out from them.]
Stan: All right. [the two parties meet] 'Scuse me. [holds out a clipboard] Hello, we are selling magazine subscriptions for our community youth program. Would you like to help young people like us by purchasing a subscription of your choice?
Driver: Oh wow, you guys shouldn't be doing that. Don't you know what you're doing to the world?
Kyle: Wha- whataya mean?
Man 1: [wearing a guitar over his back] You're playing into the corporate game! See, the corporations are trying to turn you into little Eichmann's so that they can make money. [the other man is busily eating chips]
Stan: Who are the corporations?
Woman 2: [a blonde with a psychedelic fish on her shirt] The corporations run the entire world. And now they fooled you into working for them.
Stan: Are you serious? We never heard that.
Driver: We just spent our first semester at college. Our professors opened our eyes. The government is using its corporate ties to make you sell magazines so they can get rich.
Kyle: Ugh! Those dirty liars!
Kenny: (Sonofabitch!) [throws down his shoulder tote]
Man 2: [has finished his chips] This is a really nice town you have here. That's why the corporations are trying to use you to take it down.
Stan: Well... Well what do we do?
Driver: Just hang with us for a bit. We'll fill you in on everything you haven't been told. [Man 2 resumes eating chips]
Scene Description: Cartman's basement. He's gathered a bunch of hippies in there and one of them pounds the door to get out
Hippie 2: [wearing a headband] It is time to let us out! I'm sending your names! Open this door right now!
Cartman: [opens the door real quick and tosses another hippie down the stairs] All right, in you go.
Hippie 2: What are you doing, man?!
Hippie 3: [wearing a V-neck sweater] Let us out! [the throng advances up the stairs]
Cartman: Get back. Get back or you're all gonna get maced! [the throng backs down]
Hippie 2: What's up, man?! You can't keep us down here like this!
Hippie 4: [with straight long hair] What's wrong with you?!
Cartman: What's wrong is that there's more of you showing up every day and I need to find out why!
Hippie 5: [wearing a thin headband] What makes you think you could tell us where to live?!
Hippie 6: This is a free country, man!
Cartman: Brah, I'm not gonna argue with you, all right? Just go with it.
Hippie 3: Just go with it? We've been down here for days!
Cartman: And you're gonna be here a little longer, brah, all right? Here, here's some joints [tosses a bunch of joints down to the hippies], and a guitar! [tosses that down as well and shuts the door. He then locks it and sets a large beam across the door, then walks away. The hippies are left there, coughing. One of them takes the guitar and sings]
Singer: What's goin' on in this world o'mine?There's a whole lot of killin' in this world o'mine. Somebody's gotta help this world o'mine...
Scene Description: Stan's house, at about the same time. He's sitting at the edge of the porch playing a guitar quietly. On his cap he wears a peace sign
Stan: Sign, sign everywhere. SignDone something to my mind.
Sharon: [peeks out through the sliding doors] Stan, sweetie, we're gonna go to the mall. Do you wanna come?
Stan: Mom, the mall is a way for the corporate fat cats to imprison you into a life of servitude. I've got some stuff you should read.
Sharon: Okay, sweetie.
Scene Description: City Hall, City Council meeting. Mayor McDaniels is seated at the head of a boardroom table, with leading citizens of the town sitting on either side.
Mayor McDaniels: All right, people, we can move onto issue number 14B.
Chef: [Secretary of Public Safety] Mayor, we have got to do somethin' about all these potholes on our roads!
Linda Stotch: [City Clerk and Treasurer] We don't have it in the budget to fix them right now.
Gerald: [City Attorney] We'll wish we spent the money when we have a lawsuit on our hands.
Chef: We- [a struggle is heard in the hall and the council members turn to see what it is. The door opens and Cartman rushes in, roughed up]
Guard: You can't go in there!
Cartman: Please, I have to talk to you all right now!
Mayor McDaniels: Kid, we're have a city council meeting.
Cartman: Mayor, something very big is happening, and if you all don't give me a moment of your time, there may be no more South Park to council over!
Randy: [Secretary of Parks and Public Grounds] What are you talking about?
Cartman: I'm talking about the end of all life as we know it. [some surprise is seen among the council members] For the past several days I've been... noticing a steep rise in the number of hippies coming to town. [puts a laptop on the table and turns it on] At first I thought maybe it was just a coincidence. [pulls a projector towards the laptop] Then I saw this... [connects the projector to the laptop, and the projector turns on. Everyone then looks at the screen. Cartman goes to it and points a few things out] Three new drum circles have sprouted up here, here, and here. They're all growing in diameter, at a rate of two hippies per hour. What this means... is that the hippies are conglomerating. They're thriving, if you will. I think that they're setting up for a... hippie music festival.
Linda: A what?
Cartman: It's, it's simple science. Look: When hippies start to nest in a new area, it draws other hippies in. With the right weather conditions and topography, it can lead to a music festival. One that lasts for days, even weeks. Reggae on the River, Woodstock, Burning Man, they will all pale in comparison to what we're looking at now. In my professional opinion... I think we're looking at a full-blown hippie jam festival the size of which we've never seen. [the adults don't get it, Cartman sighs heavily]
Mayor McDaniels: Kid, what the hell are you talking about?
Cartman: I know hippies. I've hated them all my life. I've kept this town free of hippies on my own since I was five and a half. But I can't contain them on my own anymore. We have to do something, fast!
Mr. Mackey: Uh, Eric, we're, we're talkin' about potholes right now, m'kay.
Cartman: It's not potholes you need to worry about. It's potheads. I know what these people are capable of. '
Mayor McDaniels: Johnson, get him out of here. [Johnson rises and goes for Cartman]
Cartman: What are you doing?! [Johnson hauls him away] You have to listen to me! You can't sweep this problem under the rug! [he disappears from view, but peeks in one last time] The town is in serious danger! [Johnson returns to close the door]
Scene Description: A park in town. The college hippies sit at a table... and on it
Driver: You see, the corporations take their profits and invest it in the war machine while keeping everyone blind.
Stan: Right, so how do we get back at them?
Kyle: Yeah, we're pissed off.
Driver: Well, so my idea was this: Let's have, like, a week long music festival, draw everyone here, and then together, we can tear it all down. [foam appears out of nowhere and covers the hippie driver] Whoa, what the hell?! [Cartman appears]
Cartman: I knew you were trying to have a hippie jam festival! All right, everyone pack up your crap, we're going to my basement!
Kyle: Cartman, what the hell are you doing?!
Cartman: [stops and thinks through what he just heard, then turns around] Oh Jesus, not you guys? [approaches Stan and checks him out] What happened? Were you bit? Did you eat their brownies? DID YOU EAT THEIR BROWNIES?!
Stan: [alarmed] NO!
Cartman: Listen, you're my friends, but if you've been compromised, I'll have no problem taking you out! I'd expect the same from you. [the hippie that wore the guitar over his shoulder approaches the boys]
Man 1: What is your problem? Get lost, little Eichmann. [Cartman sprays mace on him and he cries out in pain]
Woman 2: Oh my God!
Man 2: What the hell are you doing?! [a police car pulls up in the background and Officer Barbrady steps out of the car. He comes for Eric]
Cartman: Everybody get in a single-file line!
Officer Barbrady: There you are!
Cartman: Ah, Officer Barbrady, you're just in time. These college know-it-all hippies were setting up for a music festival, just as I predicted.
Officer Barbrady: Eric Cartman, you are under arrest.
Cartman: What?
Officer Barbrady: I was just over at your house and freed sixty-three people you had locked in your basement.
Cartman: You let them out?! Jesus, we have to find them!
Officer Barbrady: Oh no, you're coming downtown! [hauls Cartman away to the police cruiser]
Cartman: No! No, we have to stop them! You know how we-?! We gotta stop them! Hebbiaaay! [Barbrady puts him in the passenger seat, then gets into the driver's seat and peels away]
Driver: Who was that?
Scene Description: South Park Police Dept. Cartman is in jail, confused
Cartman: What did I do?!
Officer Barbrady: You can't kidnap people and lock them in your basement.
Cartman: They're not people, they're HIPPIES!
Mayor McDaniels.: Is this problem under control?
Officer Barbrady: I handled it, Mayor. Gee whiz.
Cartman: [walks to his cell door] Mayor! Mayor, I confirmed the data! The hippies are going to have a massive jam band concert!
Mayor McDaniels: I know. I signed the permit.
Cartman: [steps back, stunned] You... You what?
Mayor McDaniels: I signed a permit allowing them to have their concert here. Their little "festival" should pump some money into our economy.
Cartman: They're hippies! They don't HAVE any money! Does the city council know about this?!
Mayor McDaniels: They don't have to know. I can sign whatever permit I want!
Cartman: You just SOLD OUT OUR TOWN! [Cartman snaps]
Mayor McDaniels: That kid really needs some psychiatric help.
Officer Barbrady: Yeah.
Mayor McDaniels: All right, let's go.
Cartman: [quickly composes himself] How much money is enough, Mayor?! How many people's lives it is all worth?! God damned hippies!
Scene Description: Breaking News
Announcer: This is a South Park News special report! [a crowd scene is shown beside the anchorman]
Anchorman: Thousands of people have descended on South Park for a hippie music jam festival. The event is said to be the largest such gathering in the history of man. [the crowd scene fills the screen and the MC comes up to the main mic. The stage is set up solidly, with speakers ]
MC: All right, welcome to Hippie Jam Fest 2005! [the crowd raises a cheer] Sooo great to see sooo many people turn out to make an impact on on the world! [more cheering follows]
Stan: Yeah!
Kyle: You said it!
MC: For too long, the corporations have bled the world of its love and resources! It is time for us to get to work and make the world a better place! And we're gonna start right now. [launches into a jam with his band. The crowd cheers; the college hippies are seen in the audience]
Man 1: [coughs] Oh man, I can't wait to see the look on those little Eichmann's faces when they hear this crunchy groove. [goes back to smoking pot]
Scene Description: The Marsh house. Sharon and Randy run into each other in the kitchen
Randy: Sharon, have, have you seen Stan?
Sharon: He went with his friends to that music festival.
Randy: Oh, Jesus, what has gotten into that kid?!
Sharon: Now, Randy, we were the same way once, too. Don't forget that we were both considered hippies back in the '60s.
Randy: Yeah, but when we did it we actually stood for something. I mean, remember Woodstock, Sharon? We actually did something there.
Scene Description: Flash back to Woodstock, 1969, a crowd scene quite similar to the current one. Randy jumps into view and yells like a barbarian. Sharon jumps into view and they both dance around. Sharon turns and bares her tits and Randy dances so hard he gets dizzy and throws up.
Sharon: You ate too much acid, man! [she resumes dancing and slips onto the vomit, face up. Randy pounces on her and starts banging her, sort of. They still have their clothes on.]
Scene Description: Flash forward to the present. They consider how such activity would be seen these days...
Sharon: ...Oh my God. Our son is with those people.
Randy: [panics] S-stan. STAAAN!
Scene Description: Breaking News
Announcer: This is South Park News!
Anchorman: Fear and horror in South Park today as the music festival continues to grow. [live footage is shown] They're arriving in droves and apparently no end is in sight.
Reporter: Tom, the crowd just keeps getting bigger and the town is literally bursting at the seams. We don't know where this music festival came from, but, it's very close to consuming us all.
Scene Description: Butters' house. Linda and Steven hug each other before the TV as they watch the news brief.
Linda: Steven, what do we do?
Scene Description: Kyle's house. Music is heard outside. Gerald opens the door and looks out to see hippies milling on his front lawn, and screams. A view from a long distance shows just how big the crowd has gotten, then another shot shows the heart of the festival. Randy is seen looking for his son
Randy: [frantic] Stan?! Stan?! I need to get through, please! [Jimbo approaches him]
Jimbo: [restrains Randy] Randy! Randy, you've got to get out of here! If they just trample this park, we'll be trapped! It's too dangerous!
Randy: My son is in there! Duh-uh! [breaks away from Jimbo and disappears among the hippies. He reaches a clearing] Stan?! [the marijuana smoke is too much for him. He coughs harshly] Stan! Stan!
Male hippie: Hey, chill man. It's all good.
Female hippie: Have some water laced with acid.
Randy: Sta-ogh. Ugh! [he falls to the ground gagging, then gets into a fetal position and passes out]
Scene Description: City Hall. The Mayor looks at the festival from her office window.
Mayor McDaniels: What have I done?
MC: Yeah, South Park is now hippie capital of the world! [a loud cheer rises from the crowd. The Mayor raises her right arm. In her hand is gun. She points it at her temple. the camera moves to the right, the gun goes off, and bits of brain, skull, and blood hit the wall to the right. Her body is heard dropping to the floor]
Scene Description: South Park Police Department. Cartman relaxes in his cell, having nothing to do. He senses he's not alone and looks towards the cell door. The town's adults are on the other side.
Mr. Mackey: Uh huh hi Eric, uh, how's it goin'?
Cartman: [gets off his bed] Great, I love crapping in a toilet with no rim on it.
Randy: Eric, you were right. About the hippies. Could you... get rid of them for us now?
Cartman: [angered] Let me guess: they've started a hippie jam band music festival.
Sheila: We we need you to take care of them, Eric! They're out of control!
Cartman: [a bit resentful] Forget it. [turns his back on them and walks back to his bed]
Randy: Please. Some of our kids are in there. We should have listened to you earlier.
Chef: Yeah. We apologize.
Jimbo: Please. Don't let them ruin our town.
Cartman: It's too late! Even if I did agree to help, there's too many of them now!
Mr. Mackey: We know you can do it, Eric. You're smart. Wha- why you're the smartest kid in school, m'kay?
Randy: We're just asking you to try. The whole town even got together and, and baked you a cake. [Sheila presents a cake, and Randy helps out. The cake says Eric on it]
Cartman: [turns away again] Don't think that you can buy me with presents! ...Unless of course it's the new Tonka radio-controlled play bulldozer.
Randy: [thinks a moment] It's yours.
Cartman: I want the batteries for it too. And I get to drive it around in the school parking lot.
Principal Victoria: Fine.
Jimbo: Anything else?
Cartman: Yes. [turns around] Kyle doesn't get to have one! Ever! And he has to watch me drive mine around the school parking lot and get super-jealous!
Sheila: Well, we can promise not to buy one for Kyle, but we-we can't make him watch you play th- [Randy nudges her hard] Oh yes! Fine! We'll force Kyle to watch you.
Cartman: All right, fine. But now listen up and listen good! I've never tried to get rid of this many hippies before, so I'm gonna need every resource this town has! And even if I don't succeed, and it's a million-to-one shot that I will, I still get the Tonka radio-controlled bulldozer and get to play with it in the school parking lot where Kyle has to watch me and be super-jealous because he doesn't have one! Are we clear?! [The adults just look back at him]
Scene Description: The music festival, day 6. The crowd has grown so big the camera has to pull back a long way to get it all into view. The boys are again present with the college hippies. The band is playing reggae music.
Driver: Wow, this band is so crunchy. Dude, I need more weed.
Stan: So it seems like we have enough people now. When do we start taking down the corporations?
Man 1: [take a deep drag from his joint] Yeah man, the corporations. Right now they're raping the world for money!
Kyle: Yeah, so, where are they. Let's go get 'em.
Man 2: Right now we're proving we don't need corporations. We don't need money. This can become a commune where everyone just helps each other.
Man 1: Yeah, we'll have one guy who like, who like, makes bread. A-and one guy who like, l-looks out for other people's safety.
Stan: You mean like a baker and a cop?
Man 2: No no, can't you imagine a place where people live together and like, provide services for each other in exchange for their services?
Kyle: Yeah, it's called a town.
Driver: You kids just haven't been to college yet. But just you wait, this thing is about to get HUGE.
Scene Description: Park County Community Center, night. Cartman and the adults are meeting there. Cartman stands next to an easel with various pictures on a tabloid-size book
Cartman: All right, everyone listen up! The hippie jam band festival is now fourteen miles in diameter and five hundred thousand hippies thick.
Randy: [closes his eyes] My God...
Cartman: In less than three days, all of South Park will be completely consumed. Our only hope is to fight our way to the center of the crowd, and reach the heart, here. [points to the stage] If we can reach the stage, we can upload this Slayer CD into their music system. [shows off a CD-R of Slayer music] Hippies can't stand death metal. If everything works, they should disperse just before they consume us all.
Jimbo: Nice plan, kid, except there's one giant flaw. That hippie crowd is massive! How the hell are we supposed to get through it and reach the stage?
Cartman: We drill. [flips the page and a blueprint appears.] I've designed a vehicle that can bore its way through even the densest hippie crowd. They pilots inside will be safe from the pot smoke and the crappy music outside.
Steven: You're... actually suggesting that somebody drives right into the heart of that mob? It's a suicide mission!
Cartman: Not just somebody. I need a complete team to operate this vehicle. Along with me I'm gonna need a scientist, an engineer, and of course, a black person who can sacrifice himself in case something goes wrong.
Randy: I'm the... only scientist in town.
Linda: I'm your engineer.
Steven: Honey, no!
Linda: I have to do it, Steven.
Cartman: All right, then we just need a black person who can sacrifice himself in case something goes wrong. [he looks around, panning by Chef once] Lessee, anyone would do, anyone who meets the qualifications, let's see... [his gaze passes Chef again] Oh, I know. How about- [his gaze falls upon Chef and stays there]
Chef: Yeah, yeah! I get it! Fine!
Steven: I I can't believe we're actually listening to this. This is a crazy plan!
Randy: You got a better idea, Steven?! Dammit, my son is in there!
Cartman: There's no more time for ideas! We have to have this vehicle up and operational in less than three days! Look, it's a long shot! But it's also the only shot we- [his face is distorted. Moments later he sneezes and his face is normal again.] got.
Scene Description: The music festival, day 6. The camera pans across the site and stops where the townsfolk stand around the vehicle
Scene Description: New report
Reporter: Tom, I'm standing in South Park, Colorado, where a desperate attempt to save the town is underway. Some call it a suicide mission, but the heroic men and women of the hippie digger may be our only hope of survival. [Cartman's team enters through the doors of Bay 2]
Randy: Well I... guess this is it, Sharon.
Sharon: Please, save our boy, Randy.
Linda: Butters, if anything happens to Mommy, I, I want you to be a good boy.
Butters: Ah I will, Mom.
Chef: [with two ladies crying on his shoulders] Now, now, don't cry, ladies. Everything's gonna be fine.
Cartman: I... don't want you to worry about me, Clyde Frog. [his plush toy sits on a chair] Hey! You're the best stuffed animal I've ever had. [smiles, wipes a tear from his eye, and joins the rest of the crew into the hippie digger. They turn to wave at the townsfolk, who cheer and wave back. Some people take pictures]
Sheila: Look out for yourselves!
Mrs. Garrison: Godspeed! [the crew finally enters the digger and closes the door]
Scene Description: Inside the digger
Cartman: Primary engine running?
Randy: Check.
Cartman: Navigation systems?
Linda: Online
Cartman: Let's punch this baby. [the digger rolls off its platform] We're coming up on the outer perimeter of the hippies. Hang on. [the digger lunges into the crowd, tossing hippies left and right, maybe killing a few in the process. Inside, the crew is jostled about] Reaching hippie crowd. Hull status?
Randy: Vehicle shell holding! [the digger continues clearing a path towards the stage]
Scene Description: A command center nearby. Townsfolk mill around inside
Jimbo: They're in!
Townsfolk: All right! All right, yeah! We did it!
Mayor McDaniels: [appears with a bandage around her head] All right, people, let's save it! [blood stains are seen on the bandage over both temples. The suicide attempt failed] They still have a long way to go!
Scene Description: The music festival. The boys are in front of the stage sitting on throw rugs. They're bored.
Stan: Alright, I can't take it anymore! I'm getting on that stage!
Kyle: You're doing what?
Guard: [an old hippie] Hey, you can't go up there. Hoohoo, woo! [smokes his joint. The digger lurches on. A long shot shows the path the digger is taking]
Scene Description: Inside the digger
Cartman: Switching to secondary fuel line. [warning lights begin to flash and warning sounds are heard] What's that?
Randy: The drill is getting too hot from all the hippies. [the digger stalls and dies]
Scene Description: The command center nearby. Townsfolk mill around inside
Mayor McDaniels: What's happened?
Mr. Mackey: They, they s- they stopped. Something's wrong.
Steven: Jesus... they're dead in the water. [no motion from the digger.]
Scene Description: The music festival. The digger is dead. As the crowd cheers, Stan approaches the mic
Stan: Uh, excuse me. Excuse me, can I have your attention please? What are we doing? [the crowd quiets down] It's been nine days! Doesn't it seem like we should accomplish something?
A hippie: We're using the power of rock and roll to change the world! Woo! [the crowd cheers]
Stan: Maybe instead of complaining about corporations being selfish, we should look at ourselves. I mean, is there anything more selfish than doing nothing but getting high and listening to music all day long?
Singer: He's right. It's time for all of us to focus our energy and get this hippie jam into full swing. [the band starts up again. They missed his point entirely. Stan just turns right and walks away]
Scene Description: Inside the digger, the crew tries to start it up again.
Cartman: Come on, come on!
Linda: It's useless. The main power line has been shut down.
Randy: Somebody's gonna have to go outside and activate the backup boosters.
Cartman: No, Chef, I'm not gonna let you go out there!
Chef: ...I didn't volunteer!
Cartman: ...All right, fine Chef, go!
Chef: ...Aw dammit! [rises from his seat and opens the digger door, facing an atmosphere think with marijuana smoke. He climbs down, coughing pretty hard]
Scene Description: The command center nearby. The Mayor takes command
Mayor McDaniels: That's it. We're going to Plan B. Nuke the crowd!
Steven: God dammit, no! Y-you have to give them more time!
Scene Description: The music festival. Chef makes his way through the crowd to the booster switch and turns it on. The digger revs up and zooms towards the stage. Kyle seems to be saying something about how he got a stain on his clothes.
Stan: Dude, these people have no idea what's going on. Let's get out of here.
Kyle: We can't. Kenny just checked. There's a wall of people like seven miles thick behind us.
Stan: What? You mean, we're stuck here listening to this crap? [the stage is shown. All of a sudden the digger smashes into it, stopping the festival in its tracks. The crowd looks towards the stage]
Man 2: Hey, what happened to the tunes, man?
Man 1: More tunes. More tunes! [the digger's door opens and the crew steps out]
Linda: We made it!
Cartman: Hit the PA system NOW! [the crew goes over to it] Put me in the main line! [Randy turns and shoves an unconscious man at the controls off and gathers some cords]
Randy: Which cord is it?
Cartman: You're the scientist, jackass!
Randy: I'm a geologist!
Linda: We don't have time to argue! They're gonna nuke us!
Randy: Nyugh!
Cartman: Put them in my laptop! [Randy connects one of the cords to the laptop. Cartman selects a song from the Slayer CD he put in the CD-ROM drive: "Raining Blood" He clicks "Play" and the song blasts forth from the stage speakers. The crowd listens for a while, then begins to disperse.]
A hippie: Oh man, not cool.
Hippie 3: [covers his hears and walks off] This music is so angry.
Man 2: This is killing my buzz.
Man 1: Let's bail on this whole angry scene. [the college hippies move off]
Randy: It's working!
Linda: What?
Randy: It's, it's working!
Scene Description: The command center.
Mrs. Garrison: We did it! We did it! [the townsfolk cheer and hug each other]
Scene Description: The music festival. Stan sees his father
Stan: Dad!
Randy: Stan! [they run up to each other and hug. Nearby, Chef comes to and sits up]
Chef: I'm alive! [Kyle walks around aimlessly, but Cartman spots him]
Cartman: Hold it right there, Kyle! [Cartman has a small dagger in its sheath. He pulls it out]
Kyle: Whoa, Cartman. We aren't gonna be hippies anymore. Y-you don't have to kill us.
Cartman: Kill you? Oh no. I have much bigger plans for you, Kyle.
Scene Description: South Park Elementary's parking lot. Kyle sits on the curb watching Cartman play with his Tonka radio-controlled play bulldozer. Cartman has the scoop haul some rocks from one pile to another
Cartman: Hoho! Aw man, this is awesome! Weeeee! [offers the remote control] Oh here, Kyle, you wanna play with it a little while. [Kyle rises and takes a few steps, but Cartman withdraws the offer] Oh, sorry! You don't get to! Hehe. Oh, check it out! Cooool!


Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Class is in session. The kids are chattering when Mrs. Garrison gets their attention.
Mrs. Garrison: Children, children, we have a very special announcement. [shown with Token at his side] Your classmate, Token, has just returned from winning the Colorado Child Star Contest with his incredible singing! Well let's give him a hand! [he claps, and Butters, Annie, and Bebe join him]
Stan: Token sings?
Cartman: Of course he sings. He's black.
Mrs. Garrison: Token is going to sing in front of a huge audience at the Miss Colorado Pageant in Denver. And for doing it he's gonna be paid two hundred dollars.
Class: Whoa!
Cartman: Two hundred dollars.
Mrs. Garrison: Now of course, as a woman, I'm a bit against those chauvinistic pageants, but I hope that you children take a moment today to congratulate Token for being so special.
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, lunchtime. Stan and friends sit at a table just outside the school kitchen. They're deep in thought
Stan: Wow, two hundred dollars. Can you imagine?
Kyle: How come we never get opportunities like that?
Cartman: You wanna know what it is, guys?
Kyle: We're not talented?
Cartman: That's right. We're not talented. See, we're not the artistic side, we're the thinking side.
Stan: Yeah. We're too smart to be talented.
Cartman: [leaves the table] Wait, you guys! I just had an amazing idea. Token is going right to the top, right. I mean, he's gonna be a huge star.
Kyle: Probably.
Cartman: So, why shouldn't we get some of that money? We can be Token's agents. That way, we get ten percent of whatever he makes!
Stan: Hey yeah! We deserve that money just as much as he does.
Cartman: We just need a really kickass office and some nice suits. A and a fountain in our lobby. All top agencies have fountains in their lobbies. We gotta make Token think he needs us, when actually he doesn't need us at all. [strokes his chin]
Scene Description: Montage: Cartman tries out his suit in front of a full-length mirror in his room. Stan and Kyle try out suits in Kyle's room. Next, the boys are in a department store purchasing cell phones at Bull's Eye. Next, Stan and Kyle carry an executive desk into the new office. Next, Cartman and Kenny steal a fountain from somebody's backyard. Next, flyers for the new agency, Super Awesome Talent Agency, are printed out. Next, the boys are at a copy center to get some business cards. Next, Cartman and Kyle set up signs around town. Next, the finished office is shown... in Cartman's basement. The four boys congratulate each other for a job well done.
Scene Description: South Park, day. Token walks by one of the signs the boys drew up. He notices it and stops to read it. The boys hide around the corner. Stan peaks around the corner.
Stan: He's looking at the sign.
Cartman: Perfect! All right, you guys get back to the office, I'll bring Token there.
Stan: All right.
Cartman: Wait a minute! You guys, this is very important: when I bring Token back to the office, have Kenny hide in another room, and call the phone on my desk.
Kyle: Why?
Cartman: Because I'll answer and pretend I'm talking to somebody super famous and important. When Token sees that, maybe he'll think we're legit.
Stan: It's genius.
Cartman: [motioning them away] Okay, go go, here he comes. [they leave, and he walks into Token's field of view talking into his cell phone] Yeah? Well then tell him we're just not interested. [stops just before they collide] Oh hey, Token! Buddy, my man, what is up?!
Token: Nothin'
Cartman: [puts his phone away] Hey, you know, I heard you were doing something down in Denver tomorrow night.
Token: Yeah.
Cartman: Yeah I don't know if I ever told you this before, but I'm actually an agent over at the Super Awesome Talent Agency. You may have seen our ads around town. Anyway, why don't you come down to the office, Token? Maybe I can convince the company to represent you.
Token: I'm supposed to be home by 3:30.
Cartman: This will only take a second.
Scene Description: Cartman's basement - er, Super Awesome Talent Agency. Cartman takes Token down the stairs and onto the agency floor
Cartman: Welcome to our offices, Token. As you can see, we are quite a successful company. Did you notice the fountain? Pretty nice, hm? [they look at the fountains for a few moments, then Cartman turns Token around] Come on over this way, Token. [the other boys come to greet Token] Guys, you remember Token. He's thinking about becoming a client.
Stan: [sitting Token down on the sofa] Ohhhh Token. Right, yeah, you're makin' a smart move, man.
Cartman: Now, Token, I I know what you're saying to yourself: You're saying, "Hey, why do I need an agency? Why should I give them ten percent?" Right?
Token: [Stan and Kyle walk off...] ...Yeah?
Cartman: [...and reappear on either side of him] Token, the truth is that without representation, you're in danger of being taken advantage of. [his phone rings] Uh uh, excuse me just a second, Token. [takes the "call"] Super Awesome Talent Agency. Oh yes, hello! How are you, Abraham Lincoln? [Token just looks on. Kyle is stunned that Cartman would mention Lincoln, then gets cross about it] Yeah, yeah, no, I'm happy you called, Abraham Lincoln. I'm just sort of in the middle of something right now.
Kyle: Can I talk to you?! [grabs Cartman's shoulder]
Cartman: I'll I'll call you back, Abe. [hangs up. Kyle pulls him behind the partition]
Kyle: What the hell are you doing?!
Cartman: I'm making it look like important people call us.
Kyle: Abraham Lincoln has been dead for two hundred years!
Cartman: [thinks for a moment] ...well Token doesn't know that.
Kyle: Yes he does!
Cartman: How?!
Kyle: Token actually pays attention in school! Unlike you, fatass!
Cartman: Jew! [Stan comes around the corner]
Stan: You guys, we're gonna lose our client. [the boys come into view again]
Cartman: Yes, yes, I think that's a good idea, guys. Let's give Michael Jordan a call about that. [goes to his desk and clears his throat. Stan and Kyle flank him again] Ah, now, where were we?
Token: We were at why I should give you ten percent.
Stan: Look, Token, here's the bottom line. You're gonna start having a lot of offers comin' at you from all directions. A media storm is about to hit you and you can't handle it on your own. Nobody can.
Kyle: Eminem, Justin Timberlake, Hootie... They all have agents. You need somebody to manage it all for you.
Stan: This thing in Denver is is just the crust, Token. With our support, you can have the whole pie.
Token: [thinks a moment] Well, I guess that makes sense. All right. [the boys are a bit stunned at how brief and easy this was]
Cartman: Uh if... we could just get you to sign right here? [slides the contract towards Token, and Token signs it]
Kyle: Welcome to the team, Token.
Stan: Ah Kenny, Token just signed with us!
Kenny: (Hey, terrific!)
Cartman: From now on, we are an entertainment team, Token. You just do all the singing, all the performing and all the entertaining,and leave the rest to us.
Scene Description: Denver Convention Center, night. The Miss Colorado Pageant is underway
MC: And there are your finalists, the sixteen most beautiful women in Colorado. Here to sing for our sixteen lucky finalists, the winner of the Colorado Child Star Contest, Token Black. [a soul beat comes up and Token walks onto the stage. The crowd cheers him on, he hits his mark and begins to sing]
Token: You'll never find...As long as you live...Someone who loves you...Tender like I do...
Man: ["You'll never find..."] Wow, he's really great. We should get him to sing at Tommy's bar mitzvah ["No matter where you search..."]
Stan: Oh, you're interested in hiring our client?
Cartman: We represent Token. [hands the man a business card] Give us a call, we'll work out a deal.
Token: Whoa, I'm not braggin' on myself, babyBut I'm the one who loves you and there's no one else! No-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh one else.
Mrs. Garrison: Just between us girls, nothin' gets my vadge wetter than a black man singing.
Principal Victoria: [winces] Mr. Garrison, for the love of God.
Token: ... (you're gonna miss my lovin')I know you're gonna my lovin' (you're gonna miss my lovin')You're gonna miss, you're gonna miss my lo-o-ove.
Scene Description: Denver Convention Center, after the show, outside. The boys walk out with Token, who's counting the cash he earned.
Stan: You were awesome, Token!
Kyle: We knew you could do it!
Cartman: Two hundred dollars, Token, that's great! And ten percent of two hundred is...
Kyle: Twenty dollars.
Token: Here you go. [hands Cartman $20]
Kenny: (All right!)
Cartman: Sweet!
Stan: This is just the beginning. I bet we start to see all kinds of offers comin' in for Token now.
Agent: [walks up to the boys] Hey there my man, that was a great performance.
Token: Thanks.
Agent: Don Heisman, Creative Arts Agency in Los Angeles. I think you've got real promise. How'd you like to sign with CAA?
Token: Are you serious?
Stan: [interjecting] Uh excuse me, Token already has representation.
Cartman: You may have heard of Super Awesome Talent Agency.
Don: Mm, no. Uh, look, Token, there's some shows in LA we wanna book you on right away. If you come out to my limo we can talk everything through.
Token: Oh my God! Okay!
Cartman: Token, you signed with us!
Token: Oh, come on, guys. You have to see what a huge opportunity this is for me.
Cartman: What?! Uh they're not so great! They probably don't have a fountain in their lobby!
Don: Actually, our fountain is two stories tall.
Cartman: ...Oooo...
Don: Come on, Token, we have a lot to talk about.
Kyle: Mister, you can't do this to us!
Don: Sorry kids, nature of the business, you know? [Token goes into the limo and takes a seat. Don follows him in] Do you like steak, Token? I know a great place for you locally. [the limo rolls off]
Cartman: ...Goddamnit! [throws down the $20 bill]
Scene Description: Super Awesome Talent Agency, day. The boys sit around a table trying to come up with other ways of attracting potential clients. Kenny relaxes on the sofa
Stan: So unfair... so unfair.
Kyle: All that time and effort we spent helping Token and this is the thanks we get?!
Cartman: This just goes to show that hard work doesn't pay off! I'm gonna be a homeless drug addict from now on! [Tuong Li Kim comes into view, climbing down the stairs]
Mr. Kim: Ahh hello, is this the Talent Agency
Stan: Huh?
Mr. Kim: I see this sign on the street for a talent agency? I need a representation. [the boys all perk up and look at Lu Kim, then jump at the chance to get a new client] Hey, wowee, nice fountain.
Stan: You were looking for a talent agent?
Mr. Kim: No, not me, my wife. [calls her down the stairs. She dutifully appears] This is Wing. She just come over from China. [puts his right hand on to the left side of his face so she doesn't hear] She over here uh irregarry. The Chinese Mafia help me out.
Stan: And what does she do?
Mr. Kim: Ah, she sing. She very popular in China. Hey, you just sit and listen. You'll be very impressed. [he barks commands at her, then goes over to a tape player, puts a tape in, and waits for Wing to sing. The boys take seats at a row of chairs nearby. Wing begins a bad rendition of ABBA's Dancing Queen] Well? What you think?
Stan: Uh, we're sorry dude, but getting her career off the ground would take too much work for us.
Mr. Kim: Aww, that's too bad. She just got accepted to be on American Idol in Ros Angeres, but I can't take her 'cause I have to mind the restaurant. [the boys think, then blink]
Cartman: You've ...already done all the work?
Mr. Kim: Yes. They say it pays a thousand dowar.
Kyle: Sir, we would love to sign your wife.
Stan: Yeah!
Mr. Kim: Rearry?
Cartman: We'll go to LA with your wife. All she has to do is go on the show, do all the performing, make all the money, and leave the rest to us. [Wing continues singing]
Scene Description: City Wok, night. The phone rings.
Mr. Kim: Shitty Wok, take your order prease.
Scene Description: City Wok, night. The phone rings.
Stan: Hi, Mr. Lu Kim? Uh hi, it's Wing's agents. Everything's fine, yeah, but we're supposed to arrive in Los Angeles in about four hours. Listen, does your wife ever eat? Or anything?
Mr. Kim: Oh, don't worry about her. She a very dericate little flower. See, she don't need to eat much.
Stan: Uhh, all right. We'll call you after she goes on TV.
Mr. Kim: Okay, bye. Oh oh wait! Can I talk to my wife, please?
Stan: Uh sure, here she is. [Stan puts the phone to Wing's ear, and Mr. Kim begins barking at her again] Okay, finarry everything rookin' up for me and my family. [outside there's a flash of light and three shadows pass through the doors] Welcome to Shitty Wok, take your order prease? [the men come into the light. They are three buff Chinese men] Aw crap, Chinese Mafia! [one of the men walks around behind the counter, grabs Mr. Kim's head with one hand and places a knife against his chin with the other] Aaaaahh! [the two men move around to the eating area and are met by four other Tong members]
Tong leader: Mr. Ru Kim, it appears we have a problem.
Mr. Kim: Oh, a problem? Rearry?
Tong leader: We smuggled your wife into the United States for you. You were to pay us ten thousand dollars for that service. Yet, we have yet to be paid.
Mr. Kim: We... we working on it! She, she got tarent agent! She's about to make a whole lotta money!
Tong leader: It's too late for that, Mr. Kim. Your wife is now our property. We taking her to Los Angeles, where she will work in massage parlor.until she works off the debt.
Mr. Kim: No, she... she not here! Prease, just give me a little more time! [the leader punches him in the face] Agh!
Tong leader: Where is she?!
Mr. Kim: She... she in Arabama.
Tong leader: You're lying. Turn him around!
Mr. Kim: Yah, wah, aaaah!
Tong leader: You don't wanna tell us where she is? All right. Puh la! Ching ga wai pan! [one of the men begins to grab trays of food and dumps the first one over the counter]
Mr. Kim: Ahhh! My shitty chicken! [the man grabs the next tray and dumps that over the counter] Nooo, the shitty beef! [the man grabs the next tray...] No! No wait! Prease! Stop! Prease! Not the shitty shrimp.
Tong leader: Tell us where to find her, Ru Kim! You have no choice.
Mr. Kim: She... she go to Ros Angeres with her agents! She gonna be American Idol. [the leader snaps his fingers, the other men let him go, and they all leave. Mr. Kim collapses on the floor sobbing]
Scene Description: Hollywood, day. A view of the Hollywood sign from a location above a main thoroughfare
Scene Description: A major studio. The boys walk among the various studios - Studio 21, Studio 22, Studio 23...
Stan: There it is! American Idol contestants!
Kyle: Jesus, we made it just in time! [the boys attempt to talk to the attendants]
Cartman: Excuse us!
Contestant: Hey kid, what do you think you're doing? [the boys turn to face him]
Stan: Ah our client has an audition to this show.
Contestant: Yeah. So do we! [the camera pulls back to show the long line of contestants waiting for their auditions]
Kyle: Oh crap!
Cartman: Dude, how long is the wait?
Contestant 2: It's been about seventeen days for me.
Stan: Oh no, no no no, come on! [the boys return to the attendants] Excuse me, ma'am.
Attendant: Wait in line with everyone else. [turns away]
Stan: No, I don't think you understand. We're here with Wing. That's right, the Wing. [the woman]
Kyle: Ma'am, we are a very important talent agency. If your producers knew you were forcing people of our stature to the back of the line, well-
Cartman: Brrr brrr! Brrr brrr! Oh, excuse me, everyone. That's my cell phone. [clears his throat and whips out his phone] Hello? Oh yes, hi, Colonel Sanders! Yes, I'm doing great, but you know, heh, someone at American Idol doesn't know who Wing is.
Kyle: Aw, just forget it! [hauls Cartman away. The other boys follow, but Wing doesn't]
Cartman: Eh eh, you're right, Colonel Sanders! You shouldn't give her any more chicken.
Kyle: Goddamnit! Goddamnit!
Stan: We can't wait in line! We have to be in school on Monday!
Cartman: Stupid assholes! [they pass an agent talking on a cell phone]
Agent: What do you mean your client isn't coming?! We're taping the show tomorrow! Where am I goin' to find another contestant? Fine! Go screw yourself!
Kyle: Ahh-d, excuse me, sir, did I hear you say you needed somebody for your show?
Stan: We have someone who's ready to go on TV right away!
Agent: Really?
Cartman: Is there a cash prize involved in your show as well?
Agent: Well yeah, winner gets a thousand dollars.
Stan: All right, our client will do it!
Agent: Great! You kids just saved my ass! See you over at Stage 6. [moves off.]
Kyle: Hey, is your show as good as America Idol?
Agent: Naw, this is better. It's called The Contender. [gets into a cart and drives off.]
Stan: What's "The Contender"?
Scene Description: The Contender commercial
Announcer: Tonight, two people will compete for glory. One will stay, one will go home, in the new hit show by Sylvester Stallone.
Stallone: Hello.
Announcer: The Contender!
Scene Description: The Contender taping
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to The Contender! Fighting out of the red corner, wearing blue and white trunks, the Destructor from Del Fuego, Mexico, Manuelo Furrrrnanda! [Furnanda dances and jabs at the air, then raises his arms. Mexican fans in the audience cheer him on]
Stallone: [at ringside, slurred speech] Le's go! Le's see a good fight!
Announcer: And fighting out of the blue corner, wearing a gorgeous floral-pattern silk dress, Wing!
Cartman: Come on, Wing!
Kyle: Let's do it Wing!
Stan: Go Wing! [Kenny cheers on as well, but he's hard to understand. The bell rings. Wing's music comes up and she begins to sing "Fernando" as Fernanda sizes her up]
Stallone: Aw yeah! [Fernanda begins to deliver blows to Wing and the boys wince]
The Boys: Awww! [Fernanda delivers more blows]
Kyle: Oh my God, dude!
Cartman: She's got a hell of a chin on her, I'll give her that. [Fernanda delivers more blows until Wing is knocked out and falls to the side]
The Boys: [wincing] Awww! [Kenny draws his hood string tight around his face]
Cartman: Gay.
Scene Description: Stage 6, day. The boys stand outside the stage with cups in their hands
Stan: Anyone? Help four boys and a Chinese woman get back to Colorado?
Cartman: Your gift of hope is a great deduction. [no one stops to donate. Stallone and his producers come out and approach the boys]
Stallone: Hey kid! [Stan and Cartman turn around and he mumbles at them]
Producer: Mr. Stallone says he's sorry it couldn't go better for you back there.
Stan: Oh, thanks.
Stallone: Yo kid. [mumbles some more]
Producer: Mr. Stallone thinks your singer has a lot of talent. [Stallone mumbles some more] He really likes her voice. [Stallone mumbles some more] You know, the way she vocalizes the melody, [Stallone mumbles some more] it brings tears to his eyes.
Cartman: Thanks, Mr. Stallone. We're just sorry she wasn't a better boxer. [Stallone mumbles some more]
Producer: Uh, Mr. Stallone wants Wing to sing at his son's wedding.
Stan: You do? [Stallone mumbles some more]
Producer: He'll pay her four thousand dollars.
Cartman: Four thousand dollars? [Stallone mumbles some more and hands his producer a card]
Producer: [hands the card to Stan] Be at this address tomorrow 2 p.m. sharp. And don't be late.
Stan: We won't! [Stallone mumbles some more, then leaves with his men]
Stan, Cartman: Waaaaah! [they run over to Kyle and Kenny, who have their own cups]
Stan: You guys, you guys!
Kyle: What?
Stan: Sylvester Stallone wants Wing to sing at his son's wedding tomorrow! He's gonna pay her four thousand dollars!
Kenny: (What?!)
Kyle: Get out!
Cartman: That's four hundred for us! We did it! [tosses his cup away]
Kyle: Woohoo! Yeah!
Stan: Yeah!
Cartman: Who let the dogs out?
The Boys: [dancing in pairs] Who? Who? Who who?
Cartman: Who let the dogs out?
The Boys: Who? Who? Who who?
Cartman: Who let-?
Stan: Whoa whoa, wait, wait. ...where's Wing? [the joy leaves instantly]
Kyle: What do you mean? We thought she was with you.
Cartman: Naw, sh-she was with you!
Stan: ...Oh Jesus Christ. If that big CAA talent agency finds out she has work, they're gonna try to steal her away from us again.
Cartman: [move forward] Wing? Wing?
Kyle: Wing?
Cartman: Wing? Here, Wing!
Kyle: Wing?
Kenny: (Wing?) [nearby, the Tong have arrived and abducted Wing]
Tong leader: You thought you could run from us, did you? [the boys look around, and Stan spots her]
Stan: Oh no! [he points towards Wing, who's now being put into a limousine. The boys race over] Hey! That's our client! [the driver gets into the limo and drives off]
Kyle: They did it to us again! That dirty talent agency stole our client again!
Cartman: Not this time! They dropped their card. Now we know where CAA Talent Agency is! We're gonna march in there, and get our client back.
Scene Description: A crisp clear night under a bright moon. The camera pans down and rests on a hilltop mansion
Tong leader: [in one of the rooms] You see, Mrs. Kim, when you made a deal with us, you signed your life away. Yes, we help Chinese citizens sneak into the U.S., but when they get here, they become our slaves. It's an age-old business, and nobody has the guts to stop us. [guards outside the house arm themselves]
Stan: [walking up the driveway with his friends] Two four nine all right, this is the place.
Kyle: Damn, CAA is pretty impressive.
Cartman: Of course it's impressive! They steal everyone else's clients!
Guard 1: [says something in Chinese. Translations follow] "It's just four little boys" [the second guard says something to the boys as they walk up the stairs and pass through the front doors]
Cartman: Yeah, whatever. You can suck our balls.
Scene Description: The mansion, inside. The boys walk through a long, lavish hallway
Stan: Hello? We want to talk to somebody right now!
Cartman: Oh my God, you guys. Look! [they face a two-story-tall fountain with a curving stairway on each side] They do have an amazing fountain. [four guards appear and run down one of the staircases, getting into positions]
Kyle: You assholes stole our client! How about some Goddamn business ethics?!
Stan: You tell 'em, Kyle!
Kyle: You think you own the entertainment business, but you don't! Give us back Wing, RIGHT NOW! [the four guards open fire. the boys look for a place to hide and find shelter behind a counter.]
Stan: Jesus, they really want Wing as their client!
Tong leader: [hears the commotion nearby] What the hell is that?! Go! Go! [sends the guards with him out]
Kyle: Dude, maybe we should give up!
Stan: No! Screw that, dude! If we keep letting CAA take all our clients, we're never gonna make it as talent agents!
Cartman: Yeah, if these talent agents wanna play rough, we can play rough too! [leaves the counter]
Kyle: Cartman! [Cartman runs through the gunfire and makes it to a wall on which rest several guns. He takes one and cocks it. The four guards move down to the floor]
Cartman: Do you wanna play rough?! Okay! [comes out from behind the wall] Take this! [begins firing away. He has no control over the gun, so it fires everywhere. One of the guards is struck down, another one quickly goes up the stairs again]
Stan: We've gotta split up and find Wing! You and Kenny go that way! [Kyle and Kenny move away from the gunfire, Stan goes towards Cartman. Kyle and Kenny enter a blue room]
Kyle: Wing?
Scene Description: Two guards fire away. Kyle and Kenny duck and cover themselves, and two guards coming up behind them are killed. Cartman and Stan go down a hallway, with Cartman firing at everything in sight. Two guards follow them and fire away. Kyle finds shelter behind a red sofa tattered from the gunfire, but Kenny isn't with him
Kyle: [pulls out a yellow toy car] Stupid talent agents!
Scene Description: Kyle looks up from behind the sofa and throws the car towards the gunmen. One of them slips on it and flies out a window, the other slips on it and falls back onto the mansion's fuse box. He gets electrocuted
Kyle: [stirs] All right, Kenny, let's go! [stops when nothing happens, then looks] Kenny? [the camera pulls back to show Kenny, shot up and bleeding, dead on the floor] Kenny! [walks over to Kenny with his arms open] Don't worry, Kenny. You didn't die for nothing. [hugs Kenny, sobbing] We're gonna get Wing back as our client and... and make a ton of money! I swear it to you!
Scene Description: Kyle hugs Kenny again. Cartman and Stan enter the room where Wing is being held. Cartman again opens fire and three guards fire back. Kyle enters the room with his own gun and fires at the guards
Kyle: They killed Kenny!
Stan: You bastards!
Tong leader: Enough! [comes into view with a gun to Wing's head] I have a lot of respect for you boys finding your way in here. But you come any closer and I'll blow her brains out.
Cartman: Don't give us that crap! She's no good to you dead and you know it!
Stan: Yeah, you wouldn't kill her, 'cause then she can't pay you money! We know because we're in the same business you are!
Tong leader: This woman has a contract with us! We own her!
Kyle: She had a contract with us first! We own her!
Tong leader: Her life belongs to us!
Kyle: Her life belongs to us!
Stan: [intervening] Guys! Guys! Guys! Don't you see what we're doing? Jesus... we're not talking about an object here, we're, we're talking about a person. I mean, look at what we've all become. All this violence and anger and, and for what? For control over somebody's life who... w-we're all just trying to leech off of.
Kyle: Yeah.
Stan: Wing doesn't belong to us or to you. We're all just caught up in a business that treats people like commodities.
Tong leader: [releases his grip on Wing and lowers his gun] Perhaps... you're right. We spend all this time... mooching off the hopes and dreams of others, forgetting that they are human beings.
Kyle: Yeah. It's not a very satisfying feeling.
Tong leader: [sighs deeply and turns around] I am tired of this business. It is a very dirty and perverse business.
Stan: It's a lousy business. I quit.
Kyle: Me too.
Cartman: Aw aw guys, come on!
Tong leader: We quit too. [his guards lower their weapons] It's time for us to find another way to make money. From now on, all contracts we have on people are null and void.
Stan, Kyle: All right!
Scene Description: Stallone's mansion, next day. He gets on stage to ...um, mumble
Producer: [interpreting] Mr. Stallone thanks all of you for coming to his son's wedding. And now as a special treat, it is his pleasure to give you the music of... Wing! [cheers and applause as she takes the stage to sing "Sing A Song"]
Wing: Sing, sing a song, make it simple, to last your whole life long...
Mr. Kim: [seated at a table with the Tong leader and the boys] Boys, thank you so much for eveything. You rearry helped us out.
Tong leader: Yes, you were right, kids. Her voice is so beautiful. ["Don't worry if it's not good enough..."] To think we would have made it so nobody would ever hear her sing. ["...for anyone else to hear."]
Stan: I think we all learned it's best to leave talent to the talented people. ["Just sing..." Token appears in the background]
Token: Send a cress in your plates, folks? ["Sing a song..."]
Kyle: [notices] Token?
Token: [notices] Oh... Hey guys. [walks up to the table] What, what are you doin' here?
Cartman: Token, you're... waiting tables?
Token: Yeah. Well, it turns out an agency doesn't really do anything for you. ["Sing, sing a song"] I'm trying to work my way back home.
Cartman: Aw man, that's too bad, Token. Hey, could you bring us some more bread, huh? Oh and some more olive oil. Chop chop! ["make it simple, to last your whole life long." Token walks off ]
Tong leader: My God, her voice is sooo beautiful! ["Don't worry if it's not good enough..."]
Mr. Kim: Yeah, she's a very dericate rittle flower. ["for anyone else to hear." gets up and screams at her]
Wing: Sing, sing a song.


Scene Description: Early dawn over Cartman's house. Liane is still sleeping. Cartman runs into his mother's bedroom
Cartman: Mom! Mom! Get up, we have to go! [moves to the foot of the bed] MOM, GET UP!
Liane: [sits up, feeling sleepy] Oh, Poopie-kins, it's very early.
Cartman: [goes to the other side of the bed and draws close to her face] Mom, I told you! The new Sony PSP game machines go on sale at seven a.m. today. I have to be the first to get one! [turns on her light] Come on! [goes back to the door]
Liane: [still sleepy] Sweetie, can't we go after school?
Cartman: Everyone's moms are taking their kids after school! We're outsmarting everyone by getting to the store right when it opens! Let's go!
Scene Description: Liane's car, some time later. She and Cartman drive along, Cartman bouncing happily in his seat
Cartman: I can't wait to see the look on everyone's faces when I show up to school with a PSP! I wonder if Kyle will cry? Oh PLEASE let Kyle cry! [they pull up to the curb and stop. Cartman gets out of the car] WHAT THE HELL?!
Scene Description: Before them is a long line of people in front of Luau's Toys waiting for the PSP. The camera reaches the front of the line only to find Kenny right at the front door. He's the first one in line. Cartman approaches Kenny
Cartman: Kenny, when did you get here?
Kenny: [looks at his watch](Friday)
Cartman: Friday?! Aw, Jesus! [he switches tactics] I'll just... sort of get in here- in here. [gets in line between Kenny and the Goth Kids]
Tall goth: Hey dickhole! What do you think you're doing?
Cartman: Uh, my friend Kenny was saving my place in line.
Sixth grader: There's no saving place, fourthie! Get to the back or we'll beat your face in!
Cartman: Oh, Goddammit! [moves to the back of the line] They'd better not sell out!
Scene Description: The bus stop, later in the day. Kenny is playing with his PSP as Stan and Kyle look on. Stan and Kyle weren't in line
Kyle: That thing is pretty cool. What games did you get with it?
Stan: [answering for Kenny] It's a game called "Heaven versus Hell." Kenny commands the armies of heaven against the forces of Satan. [Cartman walks up to the other boys, but he's quite upset. He crosses his arms] Dude, you see what Kenny got?
Cartman: YES YES, I KNOW! UP YOURS, KYLE! [Cartman folds his arms]
Kyle: Wuh what'd I do?
Cartman: JUST SHUT YOUR JEW MOUTH!!!
Game voice: "Congratulations! You have reached ...level nine!"
Kyle: Wow, level nine already? Dude, you kick ass in "Heaven versus Hell."
Stan: Yeah, Kenny finally found something he's really good at.
Scene Description: A montage follows. Kenny is seen in class playing on his PSP, then in the cafeteria, then in the playground, then in his bedroom at night. He reaches level 24. He's then seen at the amusement park with his family, still playing with his PSP, then in "The Mine Shaft" roller coaster, where he reaches level 45. He's seen on the bus playing on his PSP while the other students are having fun, then in Le Bijou playing while Stan and Kyle watch a movie, then on the sidewalk passing some hot babes - he doesn't look up to acknowledge them, then in his bed again at night. He reaches level 54.
Scene Description: Kenny's house, day, the kitchen. He's still playing on his PSP
Carol: Kenny? Kenny, are you still playin' with that thing? [Yep] Kenny, it's been two weeks and you've done nothin' else!
Kenny: (I could get to level sixty!)
Carol: Who cares if you almost made it to level sixty?! You're wastin' your life, Kenny! If you died tomorrow, what would you have to show for it?! You're gonna end up wishin' you'd done more with your life, just like your dead-beat father!
Stuart: [offscreen] Hey, I heard that, bitch!
Carol: I wasn't talkin' to you, asshole!! [Kenny leaves, having tuned her out all the while]
Stuart: [offscreen] How about I come in there and kick your teeth in!
Carol: I'd like to see you try!
Scene Description: Kenny leaves the house and goes to the sidewalk. His parents continue arguing inside.
Stuart: Goddamnit, do you have to smart off at me in my own house?!
Carol: It's my house too, you no-good loser!
Game voice: You have reached level sixty!
Kenny: [starts jumping around excited] (Yes! Woohoo! I did it! I reached level s-!) [an ice-cream truck runs over him. The driver misses this, as he's playing on his own PSP]
Driver: Oh yeah, level four, sweet!
Scene Description: The street. Kenny's body lies on the road. Eventually his ghost rises out of his body
Kenny: (Hey, that's odd.) [He rises up in the air.] (Hey, I'm floating. That can't be! Hey wait!) [he then speaks too fast to decipher, but he toes towards heaven.]
Scene Description: He reaches heaven, right side up, and bounces once before landing. He walks towards a giant golden gate
Angel 1: Open the gate!
Angel 2: Open the gate! [the gates open and an elderly man walks towards Kenny. Kenny shields his eyes from the bright rays.]
Peter: Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven, Kenny. I am Peter.
Kenny: (What the fuck is going on?)
Peter: There isn't much time, Kenny. You're dead, but, your death was no accident. Heaven needs you.
Kenny: (Me?)
Peter: Come! There is much to discuss. [they both enter and behold a gleaming city on a hill. Inside, the city has all the appearance of a super-basilica, built with gold and marble. Angels flit around doing stuff] Things are not good in Heaven, Kenny. Satan is planning a massive attack and he knows we are too few in number to stop him! God has changed the rules here. For ages, only Mormons were allowed into Heaven. [they pass the Mormons, who greet them] But knowing that Hell was becoming much larger, God decided to let more people cross over so that he could build an army as well, an army that YOU must command.
Kenny: (That I what?)
Peter: The Sony PSP was built by God, to determine who on Earth had the best skills to defeat the armies of Satan. You... are the best. YOU, are the only hope for the universe.
Scene Description: In a great courtyard outside the super-basilica. An angel addresses the others
Angel 3: Satan's army grows as we speak. The Dark Lord knows that our armies are few in number, and unorganized. So our only hope... is perfect strategy. [steps aside to show Kenny off]
Angel 4: A child? This is God's solution?
Peter: He beat Satan's army in over three thousand separate simulations.
Angel 4: Archangel Michael, what say you?
Michael: [looks out into space, then turns around] The child did something none of us could: Reach level sixty on the PSP. Now I don't know if that's luck or perseverance, but it's Goddamned impressive. All right, Kenny, let me show you what we're up against. [two other angels roll a chalkboard to him, and he begins drawing up strategies.] This is the Kingdom of Heaven. Satan's armies will attack the gate ...here. They are... ten billion in number. Maybe more. [sniffs the fumes from the Sharpie] Our armies are here, here, and here. Just under... ten thousand strong. [sniffs again] We are outnumbered and in need of someone who can single handedly bring the whole Dark Empire down. Basically, Kenny, you... are Keanu Reeves. [Kenny just sits there.]
Scene Description: Hell. Satan's armies mill about, the troops arm each other. Satan addresses them
Satan: My fellow damned souls! Now is the time for our assault! [with him is a small hooded figure] You know no fear! You will drink the blood of angels! We go now! Nothing can stop us!
Angel 5: Step aside! Step aside, I say! [stops when he sees Satan] Satan! God has mocked thee once again!
Satan: My spy!
Angel 5: God has found a way to defeat your army.
Satan: Impossible! How?!
Angel 5: A young man. Basically, he-he's like Keanu Reeves.
Satan: [slumps down in his throne] Oh Jesus Christ.
Hooded figure: My Lord. My Lord, we must attack, now!
Satan: What's the point?! They have a Keanu Reeves now.
Hooded figure: Do not fear, my Lord. Your army is great!
Satan: Very well. [rises and addresses his army] Demon Army, begin your march on Heaven! [a loud roar comes up from the army]
Scene Description: Michael and Kenny walk to one of the ramparts and look out over Heaven
Michael: Up here, you get the best tactical view to protect the fortress. It is from here, Kenny, that you shall command the armies of heaven.
Kenny: (All right. How am I supposed to do that?)
Angel 6: Simple. You will use... this. [bows towards a chair and backs off. A golden PSP descends onto the chair]
Michael: [gets the PSP and shows it to Kenny] This golden PSP is king of all PSPs.
Angels: Hail the holy PSP.
Michael: It works just like the ones we sent to Earth. All the commands you make will be sent to the troops down on the battlefield. All you have to do is play the game, Kenny. Only this time, It's for reals.
Angel 7: Gabriel returns with news!
Gabriel: Hell's army is departing! They head now for the Gates of Heaven.
Michael: Prepare the troops! [the angels take off] We must be ready for them! [walks up to Kenny] The time is at hand, Kenny. The stage is set and the final battle between Heaven and Hell is about to begin! The fate of the outcome is in your hands. [Kenny vanishes. The angels notice] Where'd he go?
Scene Description: Hell's Pass Hospital. The paddles have been taken to Kenny and fired away.
Female nurse: Doctor! Doctor, we have a pulse!
Doctor: Then that's it! We brought him back.
Male nurse: Amazing, doctor! You've revived somebody who's been legally dead for almost a day!
Doctor: Call the parents. They're going to be shocked to find out... their son is alive.
Scene Description: Hell's Pass, later
Doctor: It's the latest in electro-plastilical science. Your son's organs are all functioning again.
Stuart: It's a miracle... Kenny, you're alive.
Doctor: I'm afraid he can't respond to you. You see, being dead for that long, most of Kenny's brain cells died from lack of oxygen. Your son is alive, but, in what we call a "persistent vegetative state."
Carol: Will he ever recover?
Doctor: I'm afraid no. Brain cells cannot be repaired once dead. But his soul is still in here. [places his hand on Kenny's chest] Almost... trapped in here, if you will. Kenny is the same as he ever was. It's just that, now, he's more like ...a tomato.
Stuart: He can't more on his own-ah how will he eat?
Doctor: A feeding tube. It pumps a nutrient paste directly into Kenny's stomach. With it we can actually keep Kenny the tomato alive for years.
Scene Description: Back in Heaven, business goes on as usual
Michael: [reading a scroll] A feeding tube?!
Gabriel: Yes. Apparently they're using machines to keep them alive.
Michael: But... that's not natural. God intended Kenny to die! What are these people doing?!
Angel 3: The child's soul is now trapped inside his vegetative body. We have no one to command the troops with the PSP.
Gabriel: And Satan's armies are approaching.
Michael: Oh, Goddammit.
Scene Description: A brick building. Inside, a lawyer sees the four boys.
Lawyer: Boys I want to thank you for coming down to my office on such short notice. [the boys are shocked]
Stan: Are we in trouble or something?
Lawyer: No. Boys, I'm a lawyer. Your friend Kenny has passed away and I've called you here to read his will.
Kyle: Kenny had a will?
Lawyer: [clears his throat] "In the highly likely event of my death, I, Kenny McCormick, wish to leave all my belongings to my good friends, Stan and Kyle. Dudes, you were the friends a guy could have."
Stan: Oh wow...
Kyle: That's... really touching.
Cartman: (looking bored) Fags!
Lawyer: To Eric Cartman: "Eric, I never really liked you. But then, nobody does. You have no ability to feel, and you are going to die alone and miserable. It is only because I feel so sorry for you that I leave you my Sony PSP."
Cartman: [suddenly excited and cocky] Oh yeah! Oh yeah, baby! Who the man? Who the man?
Lawyer: There is one more thing I would like to ask you all, as my friends. If I should ever be in a vegetative state and kept alive on life-support, please,... [Cartman is still dancing. The lawyer reaches the last page and... can't fine it]
Stan: Please what?
Lawyer: I don't know. I lost the last page.
Cartman: Who cares? Kenny's dead! [rushes up to the lawyer's desk] When do I take possession of my PSP, sir?
Lawyer: [pulls up a box from nowhere and puts it on his desk] It's right here, along with Kenny's other belongings. They're all yours.
Cartman: [salivating] Yes!
Man: [enters the office] He's alive!
Stan: What?
Man: Kenny McCormick! He's alive at the hospital! [leaves]
Kyle: Oh my God! [he and Stan rush out of there, leaving Cartman incredulous]
Scene Description: Satan's armies continue their march to Heaven. Satan looks on through his crystal ball
Hooded figure: Your army nears the Kingdom of Heaven, my Lord.
Satan: I don't know if we should continue without knowing more about this Keanu Reeves God has.
Spy angel: Satan! I come bearing good news! The Keanu Reeves boy has been revived on Earth! His soul is no longer in Heaven.
Satan: [whispers] Then God is helpless. [aloud] Full march, to the Gates of Heaven! Victory is ours!
Scene Description: The boys reached Hell's Pass and enter Kenny's recovery room
Stan: Kenny?
Kyle: Kenny! You're alive!
Stan: Dude, how'd you do that?
Doctor: He can't respond to you, boys. Being dead for that long caused severe damage to his brain.
Cartman: Well... well then he's NOT alive.
Carol: He's alive. He-ee smiles when I talk to him. I think...
Cartman: That's not Kenny. Kenny sniffs paint and sets things on fire! Here, look. [climbs onto Kenny's bed and holds out a $1 bill] Kenny, Kenny look. Want a dollar?
Stuart: I-I don't know if it's right to keep Kenny alive on that machine. I-I just... I don't know what he would want.
Stan: Yeah, the lawyer lost that page.
Cartman: Oh, I just remembered! Kenny told me this one time, that he wouldn't wanna be kept alive via feeding tube.
Carol: He did? When?
Cartman: Um, it was um, this one time...
Kyle: He did not say that! You just want him dead so you can have his stupid PSP!
Cartman: Stupid? PSP is stupid?! [steps forth] Did you all hear that? [steps back to his little group] Uh I mean, I mean this isn't about PSP, Kyle! This is about my friend, and his wishes. And Kenny said he didn't want to live like this!
Kyle: He did not!
Cartman: Did so!
Kyle: Did not!
Cartman: Fine! We'll see about this, you freakin' Jew! [moves towards the door] I'm gonna get that feeding tube removed if I have to go all the way to the Supreme Court! [runs out]
Scene Description: Heaven. The angels mill around inside the fortress
Peter: Satan's army has crossed over the Plains of Limbo!
Gabriel: Then they will be here on the morrow. Without Kenny's soul here there will be nobody who can use the holy PSP.
Uriel: No! There is another. A Japanese boy did make it to level fifty-nine.
Michael: [thinks for a moment] Are you stupid, Uriel? Japanese people don't have souls!
Angel 9: Yeah
Angel 10: Yeah
Angel 11: Yeah
Angel 12: Yeah, Uriel!
Uriel: Oh, right right, I'm sorry
Michael: Kenny remains our only hope! Here is what we must do. [walks up to the chalkboard and starts writing] Gabriel and Uriel, you go down to Earth and try to get that feeding tube removed. In the meantime [sniffs those Sharpie fumes] we will put all our troops at Heaven's Gate. We will try to keep Hell's Army from breaking through as long as possible. [sniffs those Sharpie fumes] Hopefully, it will be long enough to get our Keanu Reeves back.
Scene Description: The Colorado Supreme Court, day.
Cartman: You see your honor, I was the only one that Kenny McCormick told his wishes to. And Kenny told me specifically that he would never want to be kept alive on a machine. What they're doing to him ...is not right.
Chief Justice: Well I'm sorry, young man, but the parents want their child kept alive. I don't believe you have any legal authority here.
Cartman: I do have legal authority, your honor. You see, I was Kenny's... BFF.
Judge 2: Best friends forever?
Cartman: That's right. Kenny and I have been BFFs since first grade. Here, look. [brings forth a necklace with the left half of a BFF heart medallion] Kenny has the other half of this BFF necklace. I believe you all know what that means, and how serious this is.
Scene Description: Hell's Pass hospital, Kenny's room. Kenny's parents keep vigil with Stan and Kyle.
Carol: Look, Kenny, your friends are here to visit you again.
Doctor: [entering with a policeman] But this just doesn't seem right.
Stuart: Wha, what's the matter, doctor?
Doctor: I'm afraid I've been given a court order to remove Kenny's feeding tube.
Carol: What?
Cartman: [comes in with the Chief Justice] He's right in here.
Kyle: Cartman!
Chief Justice: Kenny's BFF says that Kenny didn't want to be kept alive artificially. The courts have determined we must obey his wish.
Kyle: Cartman is NOT Kenny's BFF!
Police officer: Sir, take a look at this. [has Kenny's necklace in hand and points to the other half of the BFF medallion. the justice walks over the officer puts the two halves together]
Chief Justice: [steps back] That's all the verification we need. Pull the feeding tube, doctor.
Carol: No doctor! You can't!
Doctor: I'm sorry. I have no choice. [pulls the tube and drops it on the floor]
Scene Description: Hell's Pass hospital, outside. Uriel and Gabriel arrive
Gabriel: Here is the hospital
Uriel: [the blonde angel without a shirt] This is hopeless, Gabriel. We cannot interact with anything on Earth, how could we possibly get a feeding tube removed?
Kyle: [exiting the hospital with Stan] That dirty no-good sonofabitch!
Stan: Now that Cartman got Kenny's feeding tube out, he's gonna die for sure! [they walk through the angels, then the angels turn around]
Gabriel: The tube has been removed?
Kyle: How can they let an eight-year-old decide Kenny's fate?
Uriel: Apparently, some blessed child has done our work for us.
Gabriel: Good. Now all we must do is pray nobody interferes with the child's death a second time.
Kyle: Dude, we have to do whatever we can to get that feeding tube put back in!
Stan: Yeah!
Gabriel: No!
Stan: Let's go to the, uh, media. We'll make everyone in the country know that they're killing Kenny.
Kyle: Yeah, come on! [grabs Kyle and they go away]
Uriel: No! No, no boys! Aw Goddammit! [the angels follow]
Scene Description: HBC World News. Splashy graphics.
Anchor: This is HBC News. A right-to-die case debate is heating up in Colorado, [Kenny is shown] where Kenny McCormick's feeding tube has been removed by his BFF. [a choked-up Cartman shows his half of the BFF medallion] Two boys are bringing national attention to this story by protesting outside the hospital.
Scene Description: Hell's Pass hospital, outside. The protest has begun
Stan: Don't kill Kenny!
All: You bastards!
Stan: Don't kill Kenny!
All: You bastards!
Uriel: [drifting through the crowd] No! No, they're not killing him, they're letting him die!
Skeeter: You bureaucrats have no right to play God and take that tube out!
Gabriel: Nono, see, they were playing God when they put the feeding tube IN!
Anchor: A woman was arrested for trying to bring food to the patient. [Two officers haul Mrs. Garrison out of the emergency room]
Mrs. Garrison: Get your man-hands off of me!
Anchor: However, a growing number of people are also standing behind Kenny's BFF, Eric Cartman.
Man 1: [in a crowd of people wearing BFF chains] We must respect the wishes of people's BFFs. Otherwise, all our BFF necklaces would become meaningless
Man 2: We all have BFFs, and we believe that a BFF is the highest legal authority.
Cartman: That's right. Respect our authoritah.
Scene Description: Satan watches on his TV, which is much nicer than the one in his bedroom. The hooded figure stands nearby
Satan: What mockery is this?!
Hooded figure: My Lord...
Satan: The feeding tube has been pulled! If the child dies and his soul returns to Heaven, God will have his Keanu Reeves!
Hooded figure: Perhaps the child won't die in time.
Satan: Forget it! I'm calling the attack off!
Hooded figure: No! Keep your army marching, my Lord. I will get that feeding tube put back in. [turns and walks off]
Satan: How?
Hooded figure: I will do what we always do: Use the Republicans.
Scene Description: The White House, a press conference on the lawn. People carry signs saying "Kenny Is Alive" "Murder Is Not A Choice" and "Don't Kill Kenny"
George Bush: We Republicans are deeply saddened by the tragic events in Colorado. [the crowd cheers]
Hooded figure: [appears and whispers into Bush's right ear] Removing the feeding tube is murder, hughughughughughugh...
George Bush: Removing the feeding tube is murder!
Hooded figure: [whispers into Bush's left ear] Who are we to decide if Kenny should live or die?
George Bush: Who are we to decide if Kenny should live or die?
Hooded figure: [whispers into Bush's right ear] It is God's will that he live!
George Bush: It is God's will that he LIVE! [the hooded figure hisses into Bush's left ear] Haaghaghaghaghaghagha...
Hooded figure: No no, you don't say that part. [hisses into Bush's right ear]
George Bush: No no, you don't say that part, haghaghaghagha. [the crowd looks at him in stunned silence]
Scene Description: Heaven's Gate. The armies of Hell converge in front of it
Angel 9: Jesus, their army is massive.
Angel 10: Heaven help us.
Scene Description: HBC World News.
Anchor: The biggest battle of all time is about to begin: the battle of the feeding tube! As people on both sides of the argument vie for media attention.
Scene Description: Kenny's hospital room. Both sides of the controversy chatter away
Kyle: We want all the country to see that Kenny is alive, and in pain!
Cartman: I believe the people at home see he's NOT in pain because he's a tomato!
Kyle: You say tomato, but I say Kenny!
Cartman: You say Kenny, but I say tomato! [both sides yell at each other]
Cartman's Side: Tomato!
Kyle's Side: Kenny! Kenny!
Cartman's Side: Tomato!
Judge: [The executioner of Kenny's will] Uuhh, excuse me. I uh, just found the last page of Kenny's will. [Everyone quiets down]
Cartman: What?
Judge: I found the page where Kenny specified his wishes about being on life support.
Stan: Well, what does it say?
Judge: [clears his throat] If I should ever be in a vegetative state and kept alive on life support, please... [flips to the last page] for the love of God, don't ever show me in that condition on national television. [not a word is uttered for a few seconds]
Stan: Oooo.
Man: Oowhoops
Kyle: Oh geez. Maybe we let this thing get out of hand. This issue is so complicated, but... m-maybe we sh-should just let Kenny go in peace.
Stan: You mean, Cartman's side is right?
Kyle: Cartman's side is right, for the wrong reasons. But we're wrong, for the right reasons.
Both sides: Yeah.
Kyle: Come on, everybody. I think Kenny wants to be left alone. [everyone walks out.]
Scene Description: HBC World News.
Anchor: We've just received word that Kenny McCormick... has passed away. The debate still rages on in America, but at least now, Kenny... is in a much more peaceful place.
Scene Description: Heaven, inside the fortress. Angels scurry around in a panic
Angel 11: The armies of Satan have already broken through the gate!
Angel 12: We're gonna die!!!
Michael: Send our troops to the battlefield! I'll command as best I can!
Gabriel: Michael! Michael! [he and Uriel bring Kenny to Michael] The humans finally did the right thing!
Michael: Oh my God, they killed Kenny! Get him into the command station! Hurry! [Uriel and Gabriel sit Kenny down and strap him in] Satan's army charges! Tell our troops what to do, Kenny! [Kenny sets to work on the Golden PSP, manning the controls like a pro] So it begins. [Gabriel and Uriel leave Kenny to his task and fly off. The camera focuses on Michael] Now we shall see the final battle between Heaven and Hell play out! [Kenny continues playing, and Michael provides commentary] Yesss, good, Kenny! The angel spearmen are taking out their demon soul rippers! Oh, the cavalry angels are clashing with their Black Knights! Oh my God! My God, this battle is epic! Ohh, they're bringing in their demon dragons! Look at the size of them! My God, this is even bigger than the final battle in the Lord of the Rings movie! It's like, it's like TEN times bigger than that battle!
Scene Description: Hell. Satan is watching the battle through his crystal ball
Satan: No! NO! How are we losing?! [the spy angel returns]
Spy angel: The child's soul is in Heaven! God has his secret weapon!
Satan: Full retreat!
Hooded figure: Patience, my Lord!
Satan: No, Kevin! [turns and glares at him] That's it! I'm breaking up with you! [one blast from his eyes and Kevin is dead]
Scene Description: Heaven. Kenny's still at it
Michael: Yesss. Yes, Kenny! Satan's forces are retreating! This is TRULY a sight to behold! OH I wish I had a camcorder! [Kenny continues to play] We have done it! We have defeated the armies of Satan! [the angels in the battlefield look around and celebrate weakly. The angels then gather around Kenny, and Peter joins them.]
Peter: Kenny! Bless your soul! You've saved all of Heaven!
Michael: Yes, Kenny! And to thank you for all you've done, we are going to give you a very special gift. For saving the entire universe from the forces of evil, we give you this. [two angels haul something into view] Keanu Reeves' statue. [a ten-foot statue of Keanu Reeves on a three-foot base] Congratulations. [everyone claps for him]