Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day, Mrs. Garrison's classroom. Oral Report Day. Token is at the front of the class with a picture of all the planets rising over the moon on the roll-up screen.
Token: Pluto is also the furthest planet from the sun, though scientists believe more planets lie beyond it. I hope you enjoyed my report on the Solar System. Thank you. [the projector turns off and Token takes his seat as Timmy claps a little]
Mrs. Garrison: Okay, very nice, Token. Thank you. 'K kids, looks like we only have time for one more speech today, so let's have ah Eric.
Cartman: [walks up to the front of the class and turns around, looking at his paper] Thank you, Mrs. Garrison. [reads] My speech is entitled "Ginger Kids: Children with red hair, light skin, and freckles." [Stan and Kyle glance at each other] We've all seen them - on the playground, at the store, walking on the streets - they creep us out and make us feel sick to our stomachs. I'm talking of course about... ginger kids. [cues up his pics. A red-headed boy appears] Aww sick! Gross! Ginger kids are born with a disease which causes very light skin, red hair, and freckles. [next picture is of a girl licking her triple-scoop ice-cream cone] Aw, nasty! Yuck! [returns to his paper] This disease is called Gingervitus, and it occurs because ginger kids have no souls.
Kyle: [annoyed at Cartman's ignorance] What?!
Cartman: Kids who have gingervitus cannot be cured. [another redheaded girls pops up] Ah sick! [another redhead] Gross! [another redhead] Yeck! [returns to his paper] Because their skin is so light, ginger kids must avoid the sun. Not unlike... [a picture of a vampire with a full moon and bats behind him pops up] vampires.
Class: Aaaah.
Kyle: That's not true, fatass! I have red hair, and I don't have to avoid the sun!
Cartman: I was getting to that, if you will let me. [returns to his paper] Some people have red hair, but not light skin and freckles. These people are called "daywalkers." [cues up a picture of Kyle, with "daywalkers" written underneath]
Butters: Ho! Daywalkers!
Kyle: This is all a bunch of crap!
Cartman: Mrs. Garrison, I'm really havin' a difficult time with all these interruptions...
Mrs. Garrison: Kyle, let Eric give his presentation.
Kyle: It's not a presentation, it's a hate speech! People aren't creeped out by gingers!
Clyde: [glances around] I am.
Mrs. Garrison: Kyle, if you wanna debate Eric, you can do so with your paper tomorrow!
Kyle: Fine, I will! [crosses his arms]
Cartman: Fine! In the meantime, shut your Goddamned daywalker mouth! [Kyle grits his teeth and growls, trying to contain himself] Let's see, where was I? Oh yes! Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse, [next picture: a boy with a few missing front teeth] and unless we work to rid the earth of that curse, the gingers could envelop our lives in blackness for all time. It is time that we all admit to ourselves that gingers are vile and disgusting. In conclusion, I will leave you with this: if you think that the ginger problem is not a serious one, [the last pic is that of Carrot Top] think again. [the bell rings and the kids file out of the classroom.]
Kyle: Stupid supremacist asswipe!
Stan: Dude, what's the big deal?
Kyle: What's the big deal? Don't you understand what ignorant prejudice like that can lead to? I have to disprove Cartman's hateful rumors! Do you know any red-haired, freckled kids?
Stan: [thinks a moment] What about the Foley family? I think they're all ginger.
Scene Description: South Park, day. Stan and Kyle walk up to a house. The front door opens and three redheads greet them.
Three kids: Hello?
Kyle: Hey. Wuh I'm giving a speech tomorrow about people with red hair and freckles. Can I ask you a few questions?
Girl: [the middle child] Sure. Come on in. [waves them in. They enter]
Boy: [the oldest child] Mom, Dad, these boys wanna know about us.
Father: What? Heh, hello there, kids.
Kyle: We... came to learn the facts about people with red hair, light skin and freckles.
Father: [nervous throughout] Oho, gingers, yes. Our cute little red-haired rascals.
Stan: I'm sorry, but I don't understand. You both have dark hair and brown eyes.
Father: Yes, we've learned that the ginger gene is recessive in both our families' DNA. Actually, the odds of us having a red-haired freckled child were only one in four. And still it happened. Three times. What are the odds? [breaks down and sobs into his hands]
Mother: A lot of people carry the ginger gene and don't know. [her husband stops sobbing and raises his head] If your spouse is also a carrier, then your children can turn out like... them. [they both look at the kids, who smile and grin]
Father: Each one of them's a blessing.
Mother: Oh yes, each one of them's a blessing.
Father: Huh Blesse-blessing full of love.
Three kids: [grinning] Thanks, Mom and Dad.
Kyle: But it's... it's not true they... have no souls. [somber music plays]
Father: No... no, I'm sure they do. [quickly rises and shows the boys to the door] Well it was nice meeting you boys. We've gotta get dinner started.
Kyle: I just had a couple more questions about-
Father: Look, boys, if you really don't wanna have ginger kids, marry an Asian woman. Asians don't carry the recessive gene. [looks right and left] I know a guy who's marrying a Japanese woman very soon for just that reason. [closes the door on them and they turn around]
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day, Mrs. Garrison's classroom. Second Oral Report Day. Kyle stands at the front of the class with an image of melanin's chemical structure.
Kyle: And so, red hair, light skin, and freckles are all passed down genetically. A child's red hair is not determined by the lack of a soul, [Cartman yawns] but by the melanins which control the pigment in all of our skins. Thank you. [turns off the projector and goes to his desk amid some applause]
Mrs. Garrison: Okay, very nice, Kyle. A little dry and science-y for my taste, but there you go. [the bell rings] All right, that's lunch, kids. We'll pick up with Clyde's speech about lesbian cheerleaders after recess.
Butters: That was a very informative speech, Kyle.
Kyle: Thanks Butters
Cartman: Informative if you want to die. [hops off his seat and joins Butters and Kyle] Gusy, don't forget. Kyle is a daywalker. Daywalkers are half-gingers themselves. Make no mistake: ginger kids are evil. You know who was ginger? Judas. And what did Judas do? Oh, he just got Jesus killed, that's all. [moves towards the door] Look, I'm just saying what everyone else already thinks: Gingers are creepy. And one night, when you're all sleepin' in your room, the gingers are gonna getcha. They're gonna GETCHA! [points at Clyde, who jumps back.]
Scene Description: South Park Elementary hallway. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny walk towards the camera.
Stan: You buying school lunch today?
Kyle: Nah, my mom packed me a kosher lunch.
Clyde: [off screen] Right this way! [the camera shows four boys - Craig, Jimmy, Clyde and Token - kicking a redhead out] You can't eat in the cafeteria! [Craig crosses his arms]
Boy: How come?
Token: Ginger kids eat in the hallway!
Jimmy: Yeah. Go on, beat it, re... rr-retard! [the redhead walks off and the other four boys go back inside the cafeteria]
Kyle: There! You see?! This is what happens when Cartman is allowed his right to free speech!
Stan: That's just wrong, dude. I wish Cartman could see what it felt like to be ginger.
Kyle: [thinks] Hey. [snaps his fingers] That's a great idea!
Kenny: (What's a great idea?)
Kyle: Can you guys meet me over at Cartman's house tonight at around midnight?
Stan: Sure, for what?
Kyle: We're gonna teach that fat bastard a lesson!
Scene Description: Cartman's house, midnight. Cartman is snoring. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny pop up outside his window and open it. They climb in. Stan motions Kenny to Cartman's door, and Kenny walks over to close it. Stan quickly goes to Cartman's desk and takes out some makeup - skin bleach, hair color, henna kit - and some yellow latex gloves.
Stan: Okay dude, knock him out. [Kyle takes out a small club and starts beating Cartman with it. After five blows Stan rushes over to stop him] Dude, dude okay, he's out! [with the club gone, Kyle resorts to punching Cartman out] Kyle, that's good! [Kenny puts his ear to the door and listens for any activity in the hallway] All right, let's do it.
Scene Description: Cartman's house, morning. Liane, in her night robe, walks over to Cartman's room and knocks on the door.
Liane: Eric honey, time to get up for school. [heads back to the kitchen downstairs. Cartman rolls over and wakes up, hops down and leaves his room]
Cartman: -ed a fine time to leave me, Lucille Four hungry children and a-
Liane: [hears him and drops the spatula] Poopsiekins! [rushes back to the restroom, leaving her eggs cooking. Cartman checks his face thoroughly, but continues to scream. Liane arrives and enters] Sweetie, what is the- [he turns around and she screams] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Cartman: I'M GINGER!
Liane: Oh my God! Eric!
Cartman: Help me! Hellp mee!
Scene Description: A hospital room. A doctor gives Cartman a check-up.
Doctor: Well, all his vital signs are still normal. From his outward appearance, I would say he has the standard skin pigment deficiency.
Liane: You mean...
Doctor: Yes, I'm afraid that your son is suffering from gingervitus.
Cartman: And how could I become a ginger now?! I wasn't born like this!
Doctor: Well, the red-haired and freckle gene is a recessive gene. It must've stayed dormant in your system until you hit adolescence.
Cartman: So I'm gonna stay like this forever?
Doctor: [puts a hand on Cartman's back] I'm sorry, son. [takes Liane aside] Ms. Cartman, could I have a word with you? [walks a few steps with Liane] Ms. Cartman, I know this must be... very difficult for you. I for one can't stand red-haired, freckled kids, but you need to understand, there is no cure. Your son will be ginger his whole life. You might want to just... put him down.
Liane: Oh... [looks away. Cartman hops off the bed and walks up and stands between them.]
Cartman: Agh, excuse me, Doctor, but it just so happens my mom loves me, no matter what I look like! [crosses his arms] Right, Mom?! [a bit shocked when she doesn't answer right away] Mom?!
Liane: Oh ye-yes, of course,sweetie.
Doctor: All right, but... you're gonna have to take certain precautions now. It's very important that you keep Eric out of the sun. The sun... is his worst enemy.
Scene Description: The school bus stop, morning. Stan, Kyle and Kenny are waiting there, as usual. Cartman walks up with a blue umbrella open, shielding him from the sun.
Cartman: Hey dudes, what's goin' on? [coughs to clear his throat] How is everything with you guys?
Kyle: Wow, Cartman. You look... different.
Cartman: Yes, well, it's interesting you should point that out, Kyle. I went to the doctor yesterday, and apparently I suffer from a small skin pigment deficiency.
Stan: You mean,you're a ginger?
Cartman: Actually, gingervitus is the medical term.
Kyle: Is that an umbrella you're using?
Cartman: Yes, Kyle. [coughs] The sun's rays are bad for my skin, so I need to be protected when I'm outside. Well, I'm glad we've gotten all that out of the way, and now we can just go on with our lives as normal.
Kyle: [looks at Stan for a moment] ...Wow, that's a little ironic, isn't it?
Cartman: What do you mean, Kyle?
Kyle: Well, I mean, all last week you were ripping on ginger kids and now you are one.
Cartman: [thinks] Hm. I don't really see the irony in that, Kyle. [the school bus pulls up and opens its doors. The kids climb in and find seats]
Scene Description: The school bus. Cartman sits next to Butters, who's taken aback at Cartman's new appearance. A few moments later, Butters begins to laugh.
Cartman: That's fine, just get it out of the way...
Kyle: Dude, this is going awesome.
Stan: Maybe he'll actually learn a lesson this time. [Butters strokes his nose, then takes out a napkin to wipe away tears from the laughter, then sighs, only to resume laughing, harder. Cartman just folds his arms across his chest and looks away]
Scene Description: The school cafeteria. The kids are eating, but there's not a redhead to be seen in there... except for.
Cartman: [Walks up to an empty space between Clyde and Token] Hey Clyde, Token. Sup, Jim? [begins to eat]
Token: What are you doing?
Cartman: I'm grubbin'. What's it look like?
Clyde: You're not supposed to be in the cafeteria.
Cartman: Huh?
Craig: You know the rule. No ginger kids in the cafeteria.
Cartman: But... it's me.
Clyde: Right. And you're a ginger. [at a nearby table, Stan is about to eat his burger, but Kyle softly jabs him]
Kyle: Dude, check it out. [Stan looks over]
Cartman: Guys! Okay, look, maybe I'm ginger, but... I'm not like other ginger kids. I'm still me inside. [the camera looks around at the other kids at the table, who remain silent]
Clyde: Sorry. If we let one ginger kid in here, then the others are gonna start coming.
Jimmy: Yeah, beat it, j... jackass. [Cartman is stunned, but takes his tray and walks away. He walks past Kyle, Stan, and Kenny.]
Kyle: We did it guys. We finally taught Cartman a lesson. I'll bet that now, Cartman is gonna have a long hard think about how he treated gingers.
Scene Description: The South Park Elementary Library. Cartman did indeed think long and hard about this, so now he's holding this meeting.
Cartman: I want to thank everyone for showing up today. I've called this meeting because, I don't know about you, but for one am sick and tired of being discriminated against! Just because we have red hair, light skin and freckles, we're thought of as somehow less important, and it's bullcrap!
Boy: Yeah!
Cartman: Kids at school laugh at us, doctors call us "genetically inferior." The world needs to know that we are people, with feelings! And our parents love us for who we are!
Older Boy: My dad says that each one of my freckles is a kiss from an angel.
Cartman: ...Riiight, exactly! We can't let this go on any longer! We should be PROUD of who we are! Think about all the great people in history who were ginger. People like... [he can't think of any] Like uh... [looks up in thought, then softly] Liiike...
Girl: Ron Howard?
Cartman: Right! Ron Howard! And uh... Aaaaand...
Older Boy: Ron Howard? [the other redheads look at him]
Cartman: Right! We already had him, but right! See? Ginger people go on to do amazing things in society! We need to let everyone in this school know that we are not inferior! That we are in fact beautiful, totally awesome, and super-smart. It's time for us to take back our pride!
Kids: Yeah!
Scene Description: The playground, moments later. A girl chases a boy around. Stan, Kyle and Kenny play tetherball.
Cartman: Red Power! [Stan stops the game and the boys look at the source of commotion. Cartman leads the gingers across the playground]
Gingers: Red Power!
Cartman: Red Power!
Gingers: Red Power!
Cartman: Red Power!
Gingers: Red Power!
Cartman: Red Power!
Gingers: Red Power!
Cartman: We gingers are proud people! We are the noble descendants of great Americans like Ron Howard, and ...others! We will not be discriminated against any longer, for we are a great race!
Gingers: Yeah!
Cartman: [resumes the march] Red Power!
Gingers: Red Power!
Cartman: Red Power!
Gingers: Red Power!
Kyle: I don't believe it.
Cartman: Red Power!
Stan: Should we tell him the truth?
Gingers: Red Power!
Kyle: Nah, let him make a complete ass out of himself for a little while longer. [he and Stan return to their tetherball game]
Cartman: Red Power!
Gingers: Red Power!
Cartman: Better red than dead!
Gingers: Better red than dead!
Cartman: Better red than dead!
Scene Description: New break. A field reporter stands outside a theater, with a crowd milling around behind him.
Chris: Tom, I'm standing outside the Denver Center For The Performing Arts, where the new production of "Annie" has just premiered to cries of outrage. [a shot of gingers with Cartman front and center] A rapidly-growing organization called The Ginger Separatist Movement is furious that the lead role of Annie [shown, in character] is being played by a girl [shown in regular clothes and real hair] who isn't actually red-haired and freckled. Joining me now is the gingers' head spokesperson, Eric Cartman.
Cartman: That's right! This is bullcrap! We True Gingers are furious that the role of Annie is being minimalized!
Reporter: What harm do you believe this actress is doing to the true red-haired community?
Cartman: The bitch isn't ginger! She's just using makeup to look ginger! And pretending to be ginger with makeup is the worst thing anybody can do!
Gingers: Yeah! That's right! [among other things]
Scene Description: The center's doors open and Annie walks out to cheers and flash bulbs. She waves to everyone.
Cartman: There she is! Get her! [the gingers rush her and start ganging up on her] Die, you stupid bitch!
Reporter: This is getting pretty ugly, Tom. These gingers are really riled up! If you are a ginger and would like to join The Ginger Separatist Movement, you can attend their first meeting this Friday in the Sunset Room at the Airport Hilton.
Scene Description: The Airport Hilton, day, the Sunset Room. One of the older boys in school is speaking.
Older Boy: Okay, welcome, everyone. It's so great to see such a wonderful turnout at the first All-Ginger Pride Conference! [everyone cheers] Now it is my honor to introduce the man who has brought self-respect to gingers, Eric Cartman!
Cartman: [comes in pumped up like a televangelist to his own theme music] Thanks Jody! Gingers, how are we feelin'? [the redhead cheer] Can I get a Red Power?
Gingers: Red Power!
Cartman: Oh yeah! That feels good, doesn't it? Feels good to be proud of who you are! Now I don't think I need to tell you there's a lot of hate out there. Hate for awesome people like us. And if there's one thing I've learned, is that the only way to fight hate, is with more hate! We are not the freaks of society, everyone else is!
Gingers: Yeah!!
Cartman: Gingers are the chosen people! The chosen race! And we must view the rest of the world as the lowlife, dark-skinned rats that they are! [all the redheads cheer wildly]
Gary Nelson: Hello there! Gary Nelson with Hilton Guest Relations. Just making sure you guys have everything you need. [long silence]
Cartman: We're fine, thanks.
Gary Nelson: Need any buffet items restocked? Everyone okay on coffee?
Cartman: We're fine!
Gary Nelson: Great. Oh, and hey guys, just wanted to say thanks for choosing the Airport Hilton for your conference.
Cartman: You're welcome!! Now leave us alone!! [Gary closes the door] My fellow gingers! I envision a world in which there IS no hate! A world where everyone is ginger! And so, we must gather together every child who is NOT ginger, and exterminate them!
Ginger 1: Huh
Ginger 2: What
Ginger 3: Ex-terminate?
Cartman: Now go! Go out into the night and take non-ginger kids from their homes! We will eradicate them all with cages and tortures and a pit of lava to thrown them all in! Now I am not gonna live my life as a Goddamned minority! Are you with me?!
Gingers: Huzzah! Huzzah!
Scene Description: Night time. Kyle and Kenny knock on Stan's front door, and he answers. He rubs his eyes and remains half-asleep.
Kyle: Dude, we're gonna go sneak into Cartman's and change him back into a non-ginger!
Stan: Huh? Why?
Kyle: Because now he's acting like gingers are awesome. And all his friends are gingers. When he wakes up tomorrow and realizes he isn't really ginger, it'll be hysterical!
Kenny: (Hehe, yeah. Hehe)
Kyle: Are you in?
Stan: ... totally.
Scene Description: The sidewalk. The three boys walk towards Cartman's house.
Stan: You know, Cartman is an uncaring, bigoted intolerant asshole, but I have to admit, I had my own prejudice about gingers. I think we all need to realize that everyone is different in one way or another, and we shouldn't be threatened by those differences. I mean, Cartman had me kind of creeped out that gingers were gonna come get me in the night.
Kenny: (Hehe, yeah, heh) [Stan stops and gasps. The other two stop. Before them stand at least five redheads]
Kyle: Oh... hey there. [long silence]
Stan: You guys... need... anything? [long silence]
Kyle: Let's just... let's just walk this way. [starts to cross the street, Stan and Kenny follow him, but they all see more gingers crawl out of the bushes across the street]
Stan: More ginger kids. Um, meh-maybe we should just go home.
Kyle: Yeah, good idea. [the boys go back the way the came. Gingers converge upon them, and they begin to run]
Stan: The hell do they want? [A redhead comes in from the right side and snatches Kenny away]
Kenny: (AH!)
Kyle: Kenny!
Stan: Run, dude, run!!
Scene Description: Clyde's room, night. Clyde is sleeping, but some noise wakes him up. Three raps are heard on the window and he sits up to see who it is.
Clyde: [gathers his covers around him] Uh... Gi... ginger kids! AAAAAH! [his parents leave their room]
Mom: Clyde? What is it, honey? [they go to his room and open his door, and are horrified. Before them is his window, wiiide open, and his empty bed. The wind howls outside]
Scene Description: Another house, night. A boy goes to his bathroom to brush his teeth. He pulls the toothpaste out of the medicine cabinet and closes the door, only to find some smiling gingers waiting for him.
Boy: Aaah! [turns around] Ginger kids! Nooo! [a ginger girl grabs a hold of him]
Scene Description: Another house. A boy opens the front door and his little sister stands behind him.
Ginger Girl: Laaa la, laaa lala.
Girl: What is it?
Ginger Girl: laaa lala.
Boy: It's a... little ginger girl.
Ginger Girl: laaa la.
Girl: Shut the door!
Ginger Girl: Laaa la, laaa lala, laaa la.
Kids: AAAAAH! [they panic and run away. The boy runs into the banister and falls down. The girl trips over him]
Boy: Ow!
Ginger Girl: [reaches the entrance] Laaa la, laaa lala.
Scene Description: Another house. A boy is showering before he goes to bed. He rinses off, closes the faucet, opens the curtain, and screams. He cowers in the bathtub as gingers close in on him.
Scene Description: The sidewalk. Two kids are walking alone when more redheads appear and converge on them.
Scene Description: An abandoned barn.
Kyle: In there! Let's go! [he and Stan run into it and close the doors. They run to a long log and lift it up] Get this jamb on the door! [they throw the jamb into place. Redheads try to wrestle the roads open but can't budge it. A window nearby breaks open and gingers start to crawl in through it. More windows break open, then the walls and doors start falling apart as the gingers barge in. Another ginger looks in from the roof and drops down to join the others. They grab Stan and Kyle, who scream one last time]
Scene Description: The Airport Hilton, day, the Sunset Room. Stan, Kyle, and a few non-ginger kids are in a cage.
Stan: Kyle. Kyle, wake up.
Kyle: [wakes up] Huh. Whaaa? [stands up] Where are we? [walks to the cage wall and looks out. The Sunset Room is dark and red from the glow of a lava cauldron. There are cages all over the place, even hanging from the ceiling. The ginger kids stand around the cauldron]
Stan: I think we're at the Sunset Room at the Airport Hilton.
Cartman: My fellow gingers! The day of reckoning is finally upon us! [the gingers stomp and cheer]
Stan: Cartman?
Kyle: Oh Jesus, I should have known!
Cartman: What we begin here, we will take worldwide, until the blood of every non-ginger child has been spilled! [more stomping and cheering]
Gary Nelson: You guys got everything you need in here? Need more coffee, buffet items?
Cartman: No, we're fine! Thank you!
Gary Nelson: How about lava? You got enough lava?
Cartman: Yes! We're good!
Gary Nelson: Okay. Hey, thanks for choosin' the Airport Hilton, guys.
Cartman: You're welcome, now leave us alone!! [Gary leaves and closes the door] Now! Let the extermination begin! [more stomping and cheering] We will start... with the daywalker!
Gingers: Daywalker! [The cage door opens and Kyle, handcuffed, is hauled out by two redheads and escorted to Cartman] Throw him in!
Kyle: Cartman! I need to tell you something!
Cartman: Go on then! Say your last words!
Kyle: Aah I think you'd rather hear this in private!
Cartman: Okay fine, let him speak! [the redheads let Kyle go, and Kyle falls on his face] Then we kill every non-ginger here! [Kyle gets up, walks over to Cartman, and whispers in his ear. Cartman's anger vanishes, then surprise appears] You... you what? [Kyle repeats himself. Cartman looks around a bit fearfully, then touches his face all over and grits his teeth]
Ginger Boy: Come on, let's fulfill the plan! All non-gingers must die!
Gingers: Yeah!
Cartman: [now hesitant] Right, the plan. Um... Oh. Oh, my God, you guys! Uh, I just realized something. [backpedals] We shouldn't be doing this. Ah I mean, look at us. [throws away his staff] What have we become?
Gingers: Huh? What?
Cartman: D-don't you see? If we go and exterminate everyone who isn't ginger, then we're no better than they were for thinking less of us. Maybe we all have to learn to live... together.
Ginger Boy 2: But... you just said everyone who isn't ginger must die.
Cartman: Right, but... but I've learned that we can't judge people based on what they look like.
Ginger Boy 2: But you just said they should all die fifteen seconds ago.
Cartman: See I know, I know, but I I get it now. We we've got to live and let live. [the gingers look at him, stunned]
Ginger Boy: [long beat, then] What did that kid in the green hat tell you?
Cartman: ... Huh?
Ginger Boy: That kid right there. What did he just tell you?
Cartman: Ss. Who? Oh him? Oh. No, that was just... Tha-that was about something else, totally unrelated.
Ginger Boy: You wanted to kill everyone who wasn't ginger, then that kid in the green hat told you something, and now you don't wanna do it all of a sudden. What did he tell you?
Cartman: No, he was just telling me about something funny that happened at school yesterday. Um, oh, but anyway, ohhh! Oh wow, I can't believe how great it feels to finally love my fellow man, huh? Isn't this great you guys? We sure have been throgh a lot! But in the end, we all learned it's best to get along. Hand in hand, we can live together. Ginger or not, we're all the same. Black or white, brown or red, we shouldn't kill each other, 'cause it's lame. Come on, guys! Hand in hand, we can live together.
Gingers: [unsure] Ginger or not, it's all the same.
Cartman: That's it! You've got it!
Cartman and the Gingers: Black or white, brown or red, we shouldn't kill each other, 'cause dying's lame. Hand in hand, we can live together.
Cartman: Live together!
Gingers: We shouldn't kill each other 'cause we're all the same.
Cartman: The same, you and I!
Gingers: Black or white, brown or red, we shouldn't kill each other, 'cause dying's lame.
Kyle: You are such a manipulative asshole, Cartman.
Cartman: Yes, but I'm not going to die. [steps forth] That's why we gotta get along, people!
Gingers: Hand in hand, we can live together. We shouldn't kill each other 'cause we're all the same.
Gingers: [as credits roll] Black or white, brown or red, we shouldn't kill each other, 'cause dying's lame. Hand in hand, we can live together. We shouldn't kill each other 'cause we're all the same. Black or white, brown or red, we shouldn't kill each other, 'cause dying's lame. Hand in hand, we can live together. We shouldn't kill each other 'cause we're all the same.


Scene Description: South Park, day, a mini-mall. Komik Factory is shown. The boys walk out the front doors.
Kyle: Oh dude, check it out. I got a Jake Plummer.
Cartman: Aw man, I got a crappy AJ Feeley again!
Kyle: How come you didn't buy any cards, Stan?
Stan: I can't spend any money. I'm saving up for that bike I want.
Cartman: HA! Saving money, duhhh! [turns left and walks. The others follow. Kenny moves the card in his left hand to his right hand]
Kyle: So what should we do now? It's Saturday and we have to have as much fun as possible.
Cartman: Hey, I know! Let's go play laser tag at FunPlex.
Kenny: (Hey yeah!)
Stan: [stops] No, I don't wanna spend any money, you guys. [the others stop and he catches up] Let's just do something fun that's free.
Cartman: Stan, don't you know the first law of physics? Anything that's fun costs at least eight dollars.
Kyle: Yeah dude, nothing fun is free.
Stan: Well I can't spend any money.
Cartman: Okay, be a Jew. We're gonna go play laser tag. [he, Kenny and Kyle walk off]
Kyle: Yeah. See ya. [Stan moves on down the sidewalk and passes a Scientology center. In front are a table with two people seated behind it, waiting for prospects]
Woman: Hello, would you like to take a personality test? It's fun and it's free.
Stan: [stops, thinks, and looks] Excuse me?
Woman: We're doing free personality tests today.
Stan: Uh what do I have to do?
Woman: Have you heard of Scientology? It's all based on the book, Dianetics. A lot of really cool people are Scientologists, like Tom Cruise and John Travolta. Why don't you come on in and we'll get your fun free personality test started. [leads him in and walks by one closed door after another] Let's just find an empty room here, lots of people getting free tests today. [finds an open door and looks in] Hey Brian.
Brian: [seated at his desk, rises and walks to the door] Hey Kelly. How's it going?
Kelly: Great! I want you to meet my new friend, Stan.
Brian: Hey there! How are you?
Stan: Fine.
Kelly: Brian's gonna give you your personality test and then let you know some things about Scientology.
Brian: Good times, good times!
Stan: L-look, is this a religion? Because my family is like, Catholic or something.
Brian: Ho, that's not a problem at all. Scientology is more like an alternative to psychology than a religion.
Stan: Then how come that sign says "Church of Scientology"?
Brian: Oho, that's just this thing: What's the Denver Broncos' record now? Six and two?
Stan: Seven and two.
Brian: Wow! That's great! All right, come on in and take a seat; we're gonna have some fun! [he and Stam enter the room and he changes the sign on his door so it says "Test In Progress." Inside, Brian and Stan take their seats] All right now, I'm just gonna ask you a few questions. Just answer these questions as truthfully as you can, alright? [picks up a notepad and starts noting Stan's answers] Okay. Number 1: Do you ever make remarks... which you later regret?
Stan: Uhhh, sh-sure?
Brian: Uh huh. Would you rather give orders... than take them?
Stan: Yeah?
Brian: Do you ever whistle... just for the fun of it. [The wall clock reads 11:35, then 12:20, and the camera pans down to Brian and Stan.] Okay, and finally, does life sometimes feel vague and confusing to you?
Stan: Yes.
Brian: Okay, Stan. Well, that's it. That's the end of the personality test.
Stan: So how did I do?
Brian: Well, I hate to tell you this, Stan, but... you are one messed-up kid.
Stan: ...Huh??
Brian: Yeah, I'm afraid that you are completely miserable and totally depressed.
Stan: I am?? I didn't know that!
Brian: Well there's certainly no question that you are a perfect candidate for Scientology. I think it can really make you happy again.
Stan: What what do I do?
Brian: It's very simple. We just need two hundred and forty dollars.
Scene Description: Stan's house, dinnertime. Grandpa is still around, at the head of the table. Randy and Shelly are seated to Grandpa's right, Stan and Sharon are seated to Grandpa's left. Stan rests his head on his left arm.
Sharon: Stanley, you haven't touched your food. What's the matter with you?
Stan: I'm totally depressed.
Sharon: What? Why?
Stan: I don't know.
Sharon: Well how long have you been feeling this way?
Stan: I'm not sure. But... I need two hundred and forty dollars.
Randy: Two hundred and forty dollars?! What'd you do, break something?!
Stan: No, I found a self-help program that can cure me.
Randy: Oh Jesus, the answer is no, Stanley.
Stan: But I'm completely miserable and these people can help!
Sharon: Stanley, I didn't know you were miserable.
Stan: Neither did I!
Randy: Stanley, do you have any concept of money at all? Money doesn't grow on trees, you know?
Stan: Don't you care that I'm depressed?! What if I become suicidal, or, or become an alcoholic like Grandpa??
Marvin: Huh?
Randy: Well, if you really think your life is so bad, Stan, why don't you take what you have out of your bicycle savings?!
Stan: [looking real sad] ...well but... but that's my money.
Randy: Yeah, well just like the rest of us, you have to make choices with your money. Do you want a bike, or do you not want to be depressed?
Scene Description: The Scientology Center, Sunday. Stan returns.
Kelly: Michelle, our friend Stan wants to have auditing.
Michelle: Oho good, you're going to be so happy.
Stan: I hope so.
Kelly: It's the beginning of a whole new life for you, Stan. See ya afterwards.
Michelle: Great, so do you have the two hundred and forty dollars. [Stan pulls out the bills and hands them over to Michelle] Perfect! We're on our way! [puts the money in a secure drawer and escorts Stan...] Come on over here and I'll fill you in on how the Church of Scientology works. [...down a hallway] You see, Stan, Scientology was founded by a great man named L. Ron Hubbard. [a portrait of him is shown] Mr. Hubbard discovered that negative emotions are actually caused by things called "body thetans."
Stan: Really?
Michelle: Yes! And being the genius that he was, Mr. Hubbard invented a way to get rid of those bad thetans. [stops by a picture of a portable blue machine with two cylindrical grips plugged into the back] This is called an E-meter. It's the main tool of Scientology. You just grab a hold of these handles as I talk you through past experiences in your life. I'll be taking readings here, and we'll be able to determine your thetan levels.
Stan: Thetan levels...
Michelle: Come on in the auditing room and I'll show you how it works. [moments later they are in the auditing room. They walk by a row of booths, each with a tester and a testee] All these people are just like you, Stan, auditing with E-meters to get rid of their negative emotions. [she reaches an empty booth and sits behind the controls as Stan takes his seat] All right, Stan, I want you to just relax and take hold of the E-meter handles. [Stan grabs them and draws them close]
Stan: So, this is gonna make me happy?
Michelle: Just take a few deep breaths, and I'll just get a base reading of your thetan levels. [Stan takes a deep breath and exhales, not quite sure why, then Michelle turns on the machine to take the reading. It reaches a 9.15] Huh, that's, that's strange.
Stan: What?
Michelle: Somethin-, [soft giggle] something's wrong. Brian, could you come over here a second?
Brian: [appears next to her] Yep- Oh hey there, Greg!
Stan: Stan.
Michelle: Will you... look at his thetan levels?
Brian: Huh, well. We'll get another E-meter - this one's obviously broken. Sorry about this, Greg.
Scene Description: The lobby. Mr. Mackey has entered to take his own personality test.
Recruiter: And so we just try to analyze your personality, and if it seems like you need some help, then you can have an audit counseling for a nominal fee.
Mr. Mackey: Well, that sounds pretty reasonable, m'kay. [Brian comes out of the auditing room nervously]
Brian: Mike, I need to talk to you!
Mike: Excuse me, sir, I'll be right back. [he and Brian go into the hallway] Are you all right? You're sweating!
Brian: [shows him Stan's E-meter results] Take a look at this.
Mike: [looks] What is it?
Brian: The E-meter results from the little boy in Room D
Mike: [leafing through the results] This... this can't be right. [scans faster]
Brian: We ran the tests four times! We used four different E-meters!
Mike: Fax these results to the head office in Los Angeles. The President has to see thus right away. Go! [slaps Brian across the back] Now! [Brian leaves]
Scene Description: L. Ron Hubbard's Scientology Celebrity Center, day.
Woman: The boy is from a small mountain town in Colorado, sir.
Man: Sir, how can it be that a first timer scores that kind of thetan level?? He registered OT9! I'm only OT7 and I've been in the church all my life!
President: I've waited... forty-two years... for this day.
Man: Sir?
President: Don't you all see what this means? There was only one person who EVER registered OT9 in the history of our church. [looks at something. The others gather to look with him. They look at a framed portrait of L. Ron Hubbard] L. Ron Hubbard said he had lived past lives. That when he died his thetan would show itself again. Our prophet has returned. [removes Stan's picture from the report and holds it up against the portrait.]
Scene Description: The Marsh house, kitchen, night.
Sharon: Uh, Stanley, take the garbage out before you go to bed.
Stan: I took out the garbage yesterday.
Randy: Right now, Stan!
Stan: Aagh! [hauls the garbage bag out of the garbage can and drags it across the living room] Stupid dumb garbage! [opens the front door and steps out.]
Scene Description: The Marsh house, outside, night.
Man 2: [offscreen] There he is! [Stan's anger changes to surprise]
Man 3: Thank you for returning!
Man 4: He's wonderful. [cries] He's wonderful.
Randy: [the rest of the family joins Stan at the door] Stan! What the hell did you do?!
Stan: I don't know! [a Scientology helicopter lands on the lawn and some officials open the door for the church's president, who exits, walks over to Stan, and kneels down]
President: Hello young man. I'm the head of Scientology. It is... [with great emotion, bows his head] a great honor to meet you!
Scene Description: The Marsh living room. The officials and the family have entered.
Randy: All right, what the hell is going on here?!
President: We've been looking for your son for a long time, Mr. Marsh. He is the reincarnation of our church's most famous prophet.
Sharon: Wwhat??
President: Scientologists the world over are simply rejoicing at his second coming.
Randy: Look, we don't want our son to join your group, okay?
President: We're not asking him to join us, we're asking him... to lead us.
Shelly: Oh my God, it's John Travolta! [Sharon and Randy go to investigate]
John Travolta: [using an odd voice as he makes his way through the crowd] Is this where he lives? Is this where L. Ron Hubbard is? Oh my god!
President: Yes, John Travolta and Tom Cruise are big Scientologists. Do you believe me nooow? [kneels next to Stan] Young man, I know you don't remember it,but... your name was L. Ron Hubbard. You revealed the secret that began the whole Church of Scientology.
Randy: Okay, Stan, it's late, go up to your room and get ready for bed! Let Mommy and Daddy handle this. [Stan walks up the stairs, not sure what's going on]
Stan: [enters his room] Jesus Christ...
Cruise: [suddenly appears in his room] L. Ron? [runs up and kneels before Stan] L. Ron! It really is you! [puts his hands over his heart] Oh, this is the greatest day of my life!
Stan: Aw dude, I need to go to bed.
Cruise: Don't you understand, L. Ron? It's me! Tom Cruise!
Stan: Yeah, I know who you are.
Cruise: Ha-haven't I done well, L. Ron? Haven't you enjoyed my acting? Which film did you like best?
Stan: Well-h. I mean, you're not... you're not like as good as Leonardo DiCaprio, but you're okay, I guess.
Cruise: ...What?
Stan: I mean, you're not Gene Hackman or that guy who played Napoleon Dynamite, but you're okay.
Cruise: [buries his face in his hands] I'm nothing. [lifts his head again] I'm a failure in the eyes of the Prophet! AAAH! [runs into Stan's closet and closes the door]
Stan: Hey! [walks over to the closet] Dude, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it.
Cruise: Go away!
Stan: Dude, this is my room!
Cruise: Go away, I said!
Stan: [walks out into the hall] Dad! Tom Cruise won't come out of the closet!
Randy: What?!
Stan: Tom Cruise locked himself in my closet and he won't come out. [Randy enters the room and tries to open the closet door, then knocks. Stan looks on]
Randy: Mr. Cruise? Mr. Cruise, come out of the closet.
Cruise: No!
Randy: Come on, Mr. Cruise, this is ridiculous.
Cruise: I'm never coming out!
Randy: [to Stan] What did you say to him?
Stan: I just told him I thought the Napoleon Dynamite guy is a better actor than he is.
Randy: Oh boy. [knocks on the door again] Mr. Cruise, you can't just stay in the closet, alright? You need to come out.
Sharon: What's going on?
Randy: Tom Cruise won't come out of the closet.
Sharon: What??
Cruise: Just leave me alone!
Randy: Well, we CAN'T leave you alone because YOU won't come out of the closet!
Scene Description: Channel 4 Network News - South Park Evening News.
Chris: It's been four hours now, and Tom Cruise still will not come out of the closet. Hundreds of onlookers here have gathered here in hopes that the celebrity will finally give in.
Sergeant: Tom Cruise, this is Park County police! Please come out of the closet. [the house is shown] Everybody here just wants you to come out of the closet, Tom. [someone takes a picture. The house is shown again] Nobody's gonna be mad, everything's gonna be all right. Just come out of the closet.
Chris: We're still not exactly sure why Tom Cruise is in the closet, but I'm being joined now by famous singer/songwriter R. Kelly.
R. Kelly: Well I was just standing here, and Tom Cruise locked himself in the closetI asked myself why won't Tom Cruise just come out the closet?Nobody has no answers, and so I pull out my gun!
Scene Description: Stan's house, kitchen. The church leaders talk to.
President: Please, understand, we just want what is best for your son. The reincarnation of L. Ron Hubbard must be taken care of. He had many enemies.
Randy: Wasn't L. Ron Hubbard a science-fiction writer?
President: Yes. But he was also a prophet... who knew the secret truth about the nature of life.
Sharon: This is just too much.
President: We want to reveal to Stan the great secret of life behind our church. The safely-guarded Scientology doctrine. Please, your son deserves to be enlightened.
Randy: Stan, do you want to hear the great secret doctrine of life behind Scientology?
Stan: Sure.
Randy: All right, go ahead and tell him.
President: Would you excuse us, please? This is highly classified church information.
Randy: Aw rats. [he and Sharon leave]
President: Usually, to hear the secret doctrine, you have to be in the church for several years, Stan. [leans in] Are you ready to hear the truth?
Stan: I, I guess.
President: You see, Stan, there is a reason for people feeling sad and depressed. [leans in] An alien reason. It all began 75 million years ago. Back then there was a galactinc federation of planets which was ruled over by the evil Lord Xenu.
Xenu: Ho ho ho ho ho ho.
President: Xenu thought his galaxy was overpopulated, [Xenu gives his orders] and so he rounded up countless aliens from all different planets, [the roundup is shown] and then had those aliens frozen. [one by one, the aliens are frozen]
Xenu: [laughing over his plan] Wa ha ha ha!
President: The frozen alien bodies were loaded onto Xenu's galactic cruisers, which looked like DC-8s, except with rocket engines. The cruisers then took the frozen alien bodies to our planet, to Earth, and dumped them into the volcanoes of Hawaii. [a shot of the frozen aliens encased in ice being dropped from the orange cruisers] The aliens were no longer frozen, they were dead. The souls of those aliens, however, lived on, and all floated up towards the sky. But the evil Lord Xenu had prepared for this.
Xenu: Wa ha ha ha!
President: Xenu didn't want their souls to return! And so he built giant soul-catchers in the sky! [the soul-catchers are shown] The souls were taken to a huge soul brain-washing facility, which Xenu had ALSO built on Earth. [the souls are watching a movie screen with 3D glasses] There the souls were forced to watch days of brainwashing material [Egyptian gods, Jesus carrying the Cross, and a bronze Buddha statue are shown] which tricked them into believing a false reality. Xenu then released the alien souls, which roamed the earth aimlessly in a fog of confusion. At the dawn of man, the souls finally found bodies which they can grab onto. They attached themselves to all mankind, which still to this day causes all our fears, our confusions, and our problems. [Stan looks at the president, a bit awed] L. Ron Hubbard did an amazing thing telling the world this incredible truth. Now all we're asking you to do... [hands Stan a pen and some paper] is pick up where he left off.
Stan: But I don't know any of this stuff.
President: Neither did L. Ron when he started. He said he just closed his eyes, and wrote down whatever came to mind. You can do the same. Just let it flow.
Stan: Okay, I'll try. I just wish I could write in my room, but Tom Cruise won't come out of the closet.
President: I know. We've sent Nicole Kidman up there to see if she can help.
Scene Description: Stan's bedroom. The sergeant, a photographer, the Marshes, and a few other people wait by the bedroom door.
Nicole: [knocks on the closet door] Tom? Tom, It's Nicole.
Cruise: Ah hi Nicole.
Nicole: Tom, don't you think this has gone on long enough? It's time for you to come out of the closet.
Cruise: ...I'm not, I'm not in the closet.
Nicole: Yes you are, Tom. And you need to just end this and come out. [silence] I'm not gonna think any differently of you. Katie's not gonna think any differently of you. You don't need to be in that closet anymore, Tom.
Cruise: I'm not in here, though.
Nicole: Yes, you are.
Cruise: I'm not, ...I'm not in the closet.
Nicole: Then how am I talking to you, Tom? [silence] Tom, you can't hide forever just because the reincarnation of L. Ron Hubbard doesn't like your acting. Come out of the closet, Tom. You're not fooling anyone.
Cruise: I'm, I'm not, I'm not in here.
Scene Description: Stan's house, kitchen. Stan is at the breakfast table writing and rewriting. Wads of paper litter the table.
Stan: [gets an idea] Yeah, yeah!
Kyle: Hey Stan, we're gonna go to the movies.
Stan: I can't. I'm writing a new sacred doctrine for my church.
Kyle: Look, Stan, we're really getting concerned about this cult that you're getting into.
Stan: Cult? Scientology isn't a cult, Kyle. I've read all this stuff and it's based on fact.
Kyle: Dude, L. Ron Hubbard was a science-fiction writer. He lived on a boat with only young boys and got busted by the feds numerous times.
Stan: I did not! Those are rumors put out by people who are afraid because they don't know the secret truth.
Kyle: What secret truth??
Stan: I can't tell you unless you pay for a few years of audit counseling! All I know is that I was depressed before, and now I found meaning!
Kyle: I didn't know you were depressed.
Stan: Neither did I! But now, if you guys can't accept this great thing I belong to, then I suppose we're no longer friends! [Kyle and Kenny leave]
Cartman: Stan, I just want you to know that I still hate Kyle more than you. [leaves]
Scene Description: Stan's house, later, outside shot. Upstairs, John Travolta has joined the effort to get Cruise out of the closet.
Travolta: Tom! Hey Tom, this is John Travolta.
Cruise: Oh hey John.
Travolta: Tom, you've gotta come out of the closet. Oh my God.
Cruise: L. Ron Hubbard doesn't think I'm a great actor.
Travolta: Mm-maybe you took what he said out of context. Okay, 's like, if you don't come out, can I at least come in and talk to you?
Cruise: Oh... Okay, but no tricks.
Travolta: No tricks. [gives the group standing out in the hall a thumbs-up. The door opens and John goes into the closet.] Hey, it's really nice n here.
Cruise: Yeah, see?
Travolta: I feel really safe. Oh my god.
Randy: [knocks] Hello? [tries to force the door open] Hey, come out of there!
Scene Description: Stan's house, outside shot.
Chris: Tom, it now appears that John Travolta is also in the closet, and he refuses to come out. Here with more details once again, is R. Kelly.
R. Kelly: I was just standing here. Tom Cruise locked himself in the closetThen John Travolta come and now, John Travolta in the closet too.Please Tom Cruise and John Travolta come out the closet!But then I calm myself down, and I pull out my gun!
Chris: Oh geez, here we go with the gun again.
R. Kelly:
Scene Description: Stan's house, kitchen. The president of the church is reviewing Stan's work.
President: Yes... Yes, oh this is great, Stan!
Stan: I wrote that um, our followers shouldn't fly in DC-8s anymore because they're too much like Xenu's evil cruisers.
President: Yes, of course! So wonderful!
Stan: And I wrote that the evil Lord Xenu was recently broken out of galactic jail.
President: Yes, of course!
Stan: And best of all, I wrote that all the Scientologists should no longer have to pay money to belong.
President: [his joy disappears] What?
Stan: I I realize that to really be a church, we can't charge people for help.
President: [turns around] What are you, stupid?! Then how do we make money from those people?!
Stan: ... Well, it's not about the money, it's about the message, right?
President: Wait a minute, whoa, whoa! You don't actually believe this crap, do you?? Dummy! Brainwashed alien souls?? E-meters and thetan levels?? Those people out there buy that crap and I thought YOU were smart enough to see what was really going on!
Stan: But you said that there were-
President: What's better than telling people a stupid story and having them believe you?! [Stan draws a blank] Having them PAY you for it, stupid!
Stan: But then, why me? Why do you need me to write something so badly?
President: Because if those people all think you're the reincarnation of L. Ron Hubbard, then they'll all buy your new writings, and you and I together will make three million dollars!
Stan: Three million dollars?
President: That's how the scam works! But this is a scam on a global scale! Do you fucking get me now?! [leans in a bit]
Stan: Yeah. Yeah, I get you.
President: Then keep writing, L. Ron! Your people are waiting.
Scene Description: Stan's house, outside. A news brief.
Chris: Breaking news here in South Park. Tom Cruise and John Travolta still... will not come out of the closet. Park County police have decided to try a new method.
Scene Description: Stan's room. R. Kelly is there awaiting instructions. The police signal him towards the closet.
R. Kelly: I've been asked to come up here, get you both out of the closetMan, this is some crazy shit. Why won't you both just come out the closet? And they said...
Cruise, Travolta: We're not comin' out the closet, so you can just go away.
R. Kelly: But everyone wants you out the closet.
Cruise, Travolta: That doesn't matter 'cause we're gonna stay.
R. Kelly: Now I'm startin' to get angry, so I pull out my gun!
Scene Description: Stan's house, the next day.
President: My fellow Scientologists! Our prophet has finished his new doctrine, and will now read some passages before making it available to you all for a nominal fee. [the crowd cheers] I give you... the reincarnation of L. Ron Hubbard! [two officials bow and then spread roses before Stan's feet as he walks down a red carpet towards a marble stand with "SCIENTOLOGY" engraved along the front. Stan is dressed in toga and laurel. The crowd cheers wildly]
Stan: Uh, thanks. So, first of all, I've written that the brainwashed alien ghosts are actually from a galaxy called Nubanon.
Crowd: Ohhhh.
Man: Nubanon.
Stan: And uh, oh, [hopeful faces look back at him] ...I ...I can't do this.
President: Huh, what?
Stan: Look, everybody, we're all looking for answer, you know. We all want to understand who we are and where we come from, but... sometimes we want to know the answers so badly that we... believe just about anything.
Man 2: Huh?
Woman: What?
Stan: [takes off his laurel] I'm not the reincarnation of L. Ron Hubbard. And... Scientology is just a big fat global scam.
Brian: Oh! We are gonna sue you!
Stan: What??
President: Yeah, you think you can say our religion is a lie?! We'll sue you, buddy!
Stan: YOU told me it was a lie!
President: Ho, now you're puttin' words in MY mouth! You are so sued!
Man 3: You can't make fun of Scientology, kid! We are gonna sue your ass AND your balls!
Crowd: Yeah, that's right!
President: How dare you mock our faith, you little punk?! You'll be hearing from our lawyers tomorrow!
Chris: We've just had an incredible development here, Mitch. Tom Cruise, John Travolta, and R. Kelly, have all come out of the closet! [The three of them come out the front door and Cruise releases R. Kelly, who moves off and out of view.]
Cruise: [approaches Stan] So you're NOT the prophet, huh?! You made me look stupid! I'm gonna sue you too!
Stan: Well fine! Go ahead and sue me!
Cruise: I will! I'll sue you in England!
President: You are so sued, kid!
Stan: Well go on, then! Sue me!
President: We're going to!
Stan: Okay, good! Do it! I'm not scared of you! Sue me!


Scene Description: An aquarium at Sea Park, Denver, day. The aquarium is full of spectators in stadium seats looking on as a whale goes about its routine.
Brian: And now, Jambu is going to going to give you all a big wave! [the whale rolls to the right and smacks one of its fins on the water, which splashes onto the audience. The crowd ooos and ahhs. A wave of water hits the boys, who are sitting in the front row.]
Cartman: I'm all wet! Sweet!
Kyle: Dude, Jambu is the best! [Jambu returns and takes a quick dive towards the bottom of its tank.]
Brian: Now get ready for Jambu's next trick. [Jambu leaps up into the air, performs a somersault, and strikes the water with its fluke, again sending water onto the boys]
Cartman: Haha! I'm totally wet! This is awesome!!
Brian: [shown as a brunet, with long sideburns] How about that, folks! A full body flip! And now, Kelly's gonna show us how she makes Jambu do his tricks. [a blonde woman in a wet suit steps forward, kneels down by the edge of the small dock she's on, and strikes the water three times with her hand] When Kelly slaps her hand three times, Jambu comes to her. Jambu will stay and wait until Kelly gives him a command. [she signals for him to go forward, and she dives in after him] Oh, what trick are we gonna see? Get those cameras ready! [Kelly dives and gets into position. Jambu circles the tank, then returns and pops up out of the water with Kelly on his nose. She then waves her arms signaling she's fine.] That's Kelly riding on Jambu's nose! [aside, to his partner Mike in the booth] I wish Kelly would ride on my nose. [they both laugh. Jambu drops a bit and Kelly dives off his nose. Jambu splashes the crown once more.]
Cartman: Yes! Yeehehehes! [Jambu returns with Kelly on his nose as if she were a hood ornament]
Brian: We hope you enjoyed Jambu's orca show, and enjoy the rest of your day at Denver's Sea Park! [clicks off his mic] You bunch of retards. [Mike laughs. Everyone begins to clear the small stadium]
Stan: [reading the park map] Okay, where to next?
Cartman: I think there's a sea lion show at 2:30.
Kyle: Let's just stay here and watch the whale swim around some more.
Cartman: Why?
Kyle: Dude, everyone's leaving! We can walk right up to the tank and really study him.
Cartman: Kyle, the show is over! The whale isn't gonna splash us any more, so who cares?
Stan: Let's go see the stingrays, and then we can go to the sea lion show.
Cartman: Killer. [the boys turn and leave]
Kyle: I'll meet up with you guys in a little bit. I-I wanna hang out here some more.
Cartman: Okay, Kyle. We're gonna get splashed some more, but if you wanna go make love to the whale, that's fine. [turns to catch up with Stan and Kenny. Kyle walks around the tank]
Kyle: Jambu? Jambu? [taps the glass wall four times. Jambu dives and floats up facing Kyle] Cool! It worked! Hey, Jambu.
Jambu: Hello, little boy. [Stan is awed that the whale could talk] You like my flippers?
Kyle: [a little scared, looks around] Who said that?
Jambu: I did.
Kyle: No way!
Jambu: This is very exciting! Usually when I talk, nobody can hear me. Where are you from?
Kyle: [timidly] South Park.
Jambu: It sure is nice to have somebody to talk to. Can't we talk more? Please?
Kyle: What do you wanna talk about?
Jambu: Let's talk about rocket ships.
Kyle: Rocket ships?
Jambu: [it's actually Brian, still in his booth] Yeah. I love rockets, but I can't see them 'cause I'm stuck in this tank. [he and Mike both laugh, then he shushes Mike and returns to the mic]. You know, someday, I wish that I could go up in space in a rocket ship.
Kyle: Why? Aren't you happy here?
Jambu: I try to be, but my wish is to one day blast off in a big rocket ship!
Kyle: This is amazing! But wait right here. I've gotta go tell my friends about this! [the two men in the booth are laughing their asses off]
Jambu: Oh God, it's funny every single time. [Mike continues laughing]
Scene Description: At another exhibit in the park.
Stingray Announcer: And for those of you just joining us, this is the stingray tank. Stingrays are members of the shark family, but they're extremely peaceful creatures. We invite you to gently touch the top of them as they swim by.
Cartman: [slapping the water as a stingray approaches] Heh! Come on, stingray! [it speeds away. Another one approaches] Splash me! Ha! Hey, splash me! [it speeds away as well] Dude, these things are dumb. Let's go!
Kyle: [running up to the other boys] Hey you guys! You guys are not gonna believe this!
Stan: What?
Kyle: Dude, he talks! The orca whale talks!
Kenny: (What the fuck are you talking about?)
Kyle: I went up to Jambu's tank and I tapped three times like the trainer did. Jambu swam up and started talking to me about rocket ships! Come on! You gotta check it out! [runs back towards Jambu's exhibit, grinning]
Scene Description: Jambu's exhibit, Orca Ocean.
Kyle: Jambu! Jambu, I'm back! [hits the wall four times, and Jambu swims around, stopping in front of Kyle again] How are you feeling? [no reply. A few seconds later...] Huhm. Jambu, you wanna talk about rocket ships? [Brian is playing a video game, Mike is reading a book - Mother Trucker.] Ja- Jambu? Are you still feelin' lonely here?
Cartman: Kyle, Kyle. Let it go, man.
Kyle: He talked! I swear to Abraham he talked, and he loves rocket ships!
Mike: [noticing the commotion] Dude, he's back, he's back! [the two men get ready]
Kyle: Goddammit, say something!
Cartman: Come on, guys, let's leave Kyle with his stupid whale.
Jambu: [Cartman stops in his tracks] Please don't call me stupid.
Kyle: Jambu! Jambu, why didn't you speak up before?
Jambu: I'm sorry. Sometimes I can't talk. It's because I'm very very sick, you see.
Kyle: Sick?
Stan: I don't believe it.
Jambu: Yes, because I'm not used to the earth atmosphere. You see, my name is actually Willzy-x, and I'm from the moon! [Brian clicks off his mic, Mike laughs, and they both crack up]
Mike: The moon?
Jambu: The... that's where all orca whales are from. If I don't get back to the moon, I'm going to die.
Cartman: You live on the moon?
Jambu: I used to. I wish I could return and dance in the moon castle with my wife and three children again.
Kyle: Oh my God...
Stan: Why don't you just tell the people here at the sea park?
Jambu: I can't tell them, because they're evil communists from the Horsehead Nebula. They want to kill all us zypods, so they keep us in these horrible tanks and make us perform.
Kyle: That's terrible!
Mike: Dude, dude, the boss is coming!
Jambu: Uh, uh, sorry boys, I can't talk anymore. I'm too sick. [coughs] Can't. Talk. Any. More. [coughs. The boys stand there, stunned]
Scene Description: Kyle's house, basement.
Kyle: Alright guys, listen up! This may sound a little strange, but, the whale, at the Denver Sea Park, is going to die, unless we get it to the moon,
Butters: Well okay! Let's do it!
Kyle: The whale's name is Willzy-x, and he told us he's dying on our planet. We've come up wth a plan, but we're gonna need all of your help to make it work.
Clyde: ...A whale. Talked to you.
Stan: It's true. The whale talked to all of us. In between shows at his orca tank.
Craig: Hey, that whale talked to me too. After everyone left the show I walked up to the glass and he started talking.
Kyle: Weh-well, why didn't you tell anybody?
Craig: Well I thought I was crazy. He said my dad was gonna sneak into my room naked one night and beat me up.
Kyle: Well you're NOT crazy. The whale talked to all of us. And he needs our help getting him home.
Craig: ...So it's true.
Kyle: Nobody else is going to help him, you guys. We've got a chance to do something pretty special here. Are you with us?
Token: ...What do we do?
Kyle: Stan? [Stan rises and approaches the easel]
Stan: All right. In order to make our plan work, we're going to need the pool from Clyde's back yard, Timmy's wheelchair, the Russian government, and all of our skateboards.
Scene Description: Denver Sea Park, night. The boys arrive at the park. A security guard whistles as he patrols the grounds. Behind him a wheelchair is heard. He pulls out a flashlight and swings it around to highlight everywhere he looks. Timmy and the gang roll by quietly, the pool riding on the skateboards.
Timmy: [softly] Timmihhhhh... [The guard looks back just after they pass by, so he just missed them. The boys reach Jambu's tank]
Stan: Craig, Token, get the slings ready. [Cartman, Clyde, and a third boy position a ladder into place. Jambu swims over to see what's happening.]
Kyle: Shhh. Willzy-x, don't say anything. We're gonna bust you out of here.
Scene Description: Denver Sea Park, morning. Brian and Mike arrive at work.
Brian: Dude, did you see that episode of Trading Spouses last night? That was insane. Yeah, well ha- whoa. What the hell? [people mill around by Jambu's tank. Police officers move about. The park's owner talks to the guard]
Owner: How could you not have seen anything?? It's a whale, for Christ's sake!
Guard: It must have been taken while I was going to the bathroom.
Owner: Were you in there for three hours?!
Guard: [hurt, turns away and shields himself] Don't yell at me! [Brianand Mike arrive from the booth]
Brian: What happened?
Kelly: Somebody kidnapped Jambu, took him right out of the park.
Mike: What? How?
Guard: [raises his head up long enough to say] I DON'T KNOW!
Sergeant: All right, people, it's obvious we're dealing with a highly intelligent animal-rights group. Those bastards have done stuff like this before.
Nelson: Sir! Sir, we've found a note!
Owner: A note? Let me see that. [reads the note] We're taking Willzy-x home to the moon. Long live the zypods! [the duo instantly realize who stole Jambu] What the hell does that mean?
Sergeant: Harris, run a fingerprint on that note! [hands the note to Harris] Nelson! Find out what kind of crayon it was written with. [Nelson leaves] We'll find out who was responsible for this! [the duo know the jig is up]
Scene Description: The Orca Ocean booth. The duo are inside. Brian paces the floor.
Mike: We have to tell them! We know what those boys look like!
Brian: We can't tell them, then they're, they're gonna think this is all our fault
Mike: It IS all our fault!
Brian: How were we supposed to know that they were gonna actually do it?!
Mike: I shouldn't have laughed. All those times we've messed with those kids' heads, I shouldn't have just sat there and laughed.
Brian: [grabs him by the arms] Don't you say that! It was funny! It was really funny! We've just... [lets him go] we've just gotta make this right ourselves.
Mike: How?
Brian: We've gotta track down those kids. Before the police do!
Scene Description: Moscow, day, the Kremlin. Inside, Putin and members of his staff meet in a boardroom.
Putin: Comrades, I'm afraid our situation is dire. The economy is stale and I... Very soon, Mother Russia... will no longer be a country.
Aide: Sir! Sir, somebody is on telephone! Another rich American wants to fly into space! [silence, then everyone rushes into Putin's office]
Putin: Hello? Hello, this is Russian President.
Kyle: Hi. My name's Kyle. Uh, I understand that your country flies people into space for money.
Putin: Yes, we certainly do! [holds his left thumb up for the others to see] What were you looking for?
Kyle: I need to book one trip to the moon, please. Right away.
Putin: The moon. That is quite large trip, but I'm sure we can do it!
Kyle: You can? Awesome!
Putin: It sounds like we're in business! We will just need, say, twenty million dollars?
Kyle: [lowers the phone with some disbelief] Twenty... million? [raises the phone to his ear again] Are you nuts? We don't have that kind of money.
Putin: ...What?
Kyle: But you need to understand: we have a whale here that needs to get back to his family on the moon.
Putin: Goddamnit it is prank call again! [his staff leaves] Kiss my ass, George Bush! This is not funny! [slams the phone onto the base]
Stan: What happened?
Kyle: They want twenty million dollars.
Cartman: Twenty million? Just to go to the dumb moon?
Craig: That was it? That was you guys' whole plan? Ask the Russians to take the whale to space?
Stan: They were going to do it for that 'N Sync guy.
Tweek: Oh, Jesus, now what are we gonna do?!
Kyle: All right, look, there's gotta be other Third-World countries with space programs. We've gotta split up and find someplace cheaper, that's all.
Clyde: Well we can't keep the whale out here anymore, people are gonna see it!
Scene Description: Channel 4 News Break.
Anchor Tom: A beloved performing orca whale has been stolen from the Denver Sea Park. A full investigation is underway, but tracking down the kidnappers is proving to be one WHALE of a problem.
Field reporter: Thanks, Tom, I'm here at the Denver Sea Park where, believe it or not, dozens of people have come to show support for whoever took the whale. [a crowd of protesters begin to chant]
ALF leader: That's right. We are members of the Animal Liberation Front! Whales do not belong in tanks, they belong in the ocean! We applaud whoever did this noble deed! Set the whales free!
Protesters: Set the whales free!
Field reporter: One thing for certain: something is certainly FISHY here at the Sea Park. Tom?
Anchor Tom: Thank, Mitch. It seems that this problem is almost un-BEAR-able. [no one says a word] Let's hope that whale is found.
Scene Description: Brian and Mike arrive in South Park in a truck with a tank-trailer.
Mike: This is so bad, man. How do we even know this is the right town to look in??
Brian: Will you relax? Those kids said they were from South Park. We've just gotta go door to door. Do you have the composite sketch we did?
Mike: [holds up a sheet of paper] Yeah.
Brian: Let's go! [they exit the truck and face the houses on one side of the street]
Mike: Maybe you should start with the houses on the left, a-and I'll take the-
Brian: [stops him] Wait a minute. Check that out! [before them is a big pool in a backyard. The fence, which normally blocks off the view from the street, is destroyed, and tracks go through the gap all the way to the pool] Come on! [they move towards the pool and walk up the steps. Brian grabs some crap floating on the surface and shows it to Mike] Oh my good, look!
Mike: Whale poo.
Brian: We're close. We're really close!
Mrs. Donovan: [the sliding door opens] Can I help you?
Brian: [drops the poo quickly and turns to face her] Oh... h-hello ma'am. We're just here to examine your pool.
Mrs. Donovan: Oh.
Mike: Have you noticed any whales in your pool at all?
Mrs. Donovan: No, I don't believe so. But we've been out of town for a couple of days and came back to find the fence broken. Do you think somebody's been using it?
Brian: Ma'am, do you recognize any of these boys? [Mike hands her the sketch. She takes it and studies it]
Mrs. Donovan: The fat one in the middle... kinda looks like Dakota Fanning. Excuse me, gentlemen, I have to get back to the oven. [hands the sketch back to the Mike]
Mike: [turns around, getting exasperated] We're too late. They've moved on to another town!
Brian: We don't know that!
Mike: If they've moved on, then we have no leads! This is fate, Brian! It's fate! For telling the kids their naked dads were gonna beat them up! For thinking that screwing with kids was funny!
Brian: [grabs his Mike and shakes him] It WAS funny!! It was funny, Bob! And it will be funny again, I swear to you! If those boys took the whale out of here, we would have seen them on the road! I'm telling you, we're close. It's going to be funny!
Scene Description: Kyle's house, day. His parents are at his bedroom door with Ike.
Sheila: [knocks three times] Kyle bubbe, we're taking Ike to the new Harry Potter movie. Wanna join us?
Kyle: I can't, Mom. We're working on our school project.
Sheila: All right. Well, there's pizza in the fridge if you and your friends get hungry. [Gerald goes down the stairs with Ike as she speaks, then she turns away and goes down the stairs]
Kyle: Okay ma, thanks! [behind him is Jambu, and the other boys are keeping him moist]
Butters: Shouldn't we get him back in the water?
Clyde: Whales are mammals; they don't need water to breathe, dumb-ass.
Cartman: Yeah, we just have to keep him wet.
Kyle: Yes, yes, hello? Is this Mr. Su-gi-yama with the Japanese space program? [waits for the answer] How much to take a whale into space? [waits for the answer] Nu-no, we don't want you to eat the whale, we want you to send it to the moon. How much? Jesus Christ! Uh hang on. [puts Mr. Sugiyama on hold as he answers another call] Hello? Jimmy, any luck at the Chinese Embassy?
Jimmy: [with Timmy and Tweek] The Ch-Chinese will take someone to space for t-t-ten million dollars.
Kyle: Ten million?? Well that's more than the Germans want!
Jimmy: Yeah. We told them that, a-and they told us to go f-fruck ourselves.
Kyle: Damnit! [hangs up without returning to Mr. Sugiyama] Tell me what to do, Willzy-x! How do we get you home??
Cartman: He hasn't said a word since we brought him here.
Kyle: Yeah... He must be really sick. [walks up to the whale and strokes him] Hang on Willzy-x. There's still hope. Stan and Craig might still luck with the space program down in Mexico.
Clyde: Mexico has a space program?
Scene Description: Mexico. A view of the coast is first seen. Then, in a downtown area, a bus lets Stan and Craig out and leaves. Stan follows the directions on a map, and eventually end up in front of Jose's Ceramica Y Fuentes. A man is sitting by the entrance next to a fountain.
Stan: Uh, excuse me, we're looking for the Mexican... [enunciates] Aeronautica y Spacia Administra-tio-n?
Man: Allí. ("There") [points down the road]
Stan: Thanks. [they leave and arrive at MASA - Mexicana Aeronáuti'co y Spacia Administración]
Scene Description: MASA - Mexicana Aeronáuti'co y Spacia Administración. Within the chain link fence, there are a few buildings, along with abandoned appliances, oil barrels and a gass pump and several men either standing or sitting around and relaxing. One man, Mannuel, is by the entrance and appears to be cleaning a rocket part as Stan and Craig appear.
Stan: Is this the Mexican space program? [again, neglected beauty, and the place looks quite primitive for a space administration, straight out of the 1950s.]
Mannuel: Space, sí ("Yes"). Fly [Gestures flying upward with his left hand].
Stan: Does the Mexican space programs have rockets that can go to the moon?
Mannuel: Claro. Sígueme. ("Sure. Follow me") [sets down the part he was cleaning and goes inside the complex. The boys follow him]
Scene Description: MASA - Mexicana Aeronáuti'co y Spacia Administración. Inner complex. Along with more garbage and abandoned cars, there are three rockets lined up to be launched. The rockets are near a boat dock.
Mannuel: De rocket lunar? ("The space rocket?")
Stan: This rocket will fly to the moon?
Mannuel: Sí ("Yes"). Fly [Gestures flying upward with his left hand].
Stan: To the moon?
Mannuel: Sí.
Stan: [enunciates] We want to take something to the moon. How much would that cost?
Man 2: O-ah... Two hundred.
Stan: Two hundred? Million?
Man 2: Two hundred... dollars.
Stan: [to Craig] Quick, call Kyle.
Scene Description: The Broflovski house, day. Sheila is cleaning a lamp table next to the sofa when the doorbell rings. She goes to answer it.
Brian: Eh hello ma'am, uh, the teacher at the school said she recognized this boy to be your son? [Sheila takes the composite sketch and looks at Kyle's image]
Sheila: Oh yes, that's my bubbe. Kind of a bad drawing though.
Brian: Ma'am, we need to talk to your son, please! It's very urgent!
Sheila: I'm sorry, he just left. He's on his way to Mexico.
Both men: Mexico??
Sheila: Yehhs. As part of a school project, he's helping his class to move two donated grand pianos to needy school children in Tijuana. My little bubbe is very caring.
Mike: Oh my God.
Brian: Which highway did they take??
Scene Description: On the highway during the day, a truck zips along. Kenny, Clyde, Cartman, and Butters ride in the cab with the driver, Kyle is in the trailer with Willzy-x, keeping him moist with damp clothes.
Cartman: Hurry it up, dude, we have a rocket to catch.
Kyle: Hang on, Willzy-x. Hang on, buddy.
Scene Description: The highway, night. The truck keeps rolling.
Cartman: We have to hurry!
Driver: I'm going as fast as I can.
Kyle: Hang on, Willzy-x. We'll in Mexico soon!.
Butters: Oh hamburgers! What is that?? [The Denver Sea Park truck appears before them and blocks their way, so the driver stops. Brian steps out of the Sea Park truck. Mike joins him and they both stand before the Moovit truck until it stops, then they move to the driver's side door]
Brian: All right, out of the truck!
Cartman: Uh oh.
Driver: What the hell is goin' on?!
Brian: You're carrying a stolen whale!
Driver: Stolen? You kids told me you won that whale at Pizza Hut!
Clyde: We're busted. [Brian and Mike roll up the trailer and Kyle looks]
Kyle: Huh?
Brian: Come on out, kid. [the four other boys walk around Brian and stop]
Driver: Look, I didn't know nothin' about this.
Brian: Just help us get the whale into our truck and we'll all keep quiet about this.
Kyle: You don't understand! Willzy-x is from the moon! He'll die if we don't get him back, now! Willzy-x, you have to talk! Come on boy, you have to! I know you're sick, but you could do it!
Mike: Look, kid, we need to tell you a little secret. [a bright light comes on and a police siren sounds. They all turn to see who it is. Two motorcycle cops get off their bikes.]
Cop 1: What's goin' on here??
Brian: Aw crap.
Butters: Oh, now we're gonna get it.
Cop 1: Hey... That's the stolen whale!
Cop 2: Everyone down on the ground. Now!
Kyle: No! Please, we have to go!
Cop 2: You're not goin' anywhere! You're in a lot of trouble! [the first cop starts making arrests]
Kyle: But... we were so close... I'm sorry, Willzy-x. We tried.
Cop 1: We said down on the ground, kid. Move it! [three gunshots come out of nowhere, and everyone turns to see whom it could be now.]
ALF leader: Leave those kids alone, you bastards! Animal Liberation Front! [the ALF members growl]
Cop 1: Put down that weapon, now!
ALF leader: These boys are trying to get that whale home! You're not gonna stop them!
Kyle: All right!!
The Other Boys: Yes! Wow!
Cop 2: That whale belongs to a sea park!
Kyle: It belongs with its family!
ALF member: That's right!
Cop 1: I said drop the gun NOW!
ALF leader: Save the whale! [fires her gun and charges. The other ALF members charge and fire as well. Cop 2 is hit and falls. Cop 1 fires back. The boys hide behind the Moovit! truck]
Mike: Jesus, Oh God! [he's soon riddled with bullet holes and falls over]
ALF member: Save the whales, motherfucker!
ALF leader: [fires a few more rounds over the boys' heads as she positions herself behind them] Where are you taking the whale?
Kyle: Tijuana, Mexico!
ALF leader: Of course. Brilliant! Release it in international waters. I'll drive the truck. [she and the boys get into the cab, Kyle stays in the trailer with the whale]
Kyle: You're going home, Willzy-x! [the truck drives away, and Brian crawls over to Mike]
Brian: Mike? Mike??
Mike: [still has enough life in him to cough and say] It... wasn't... funny...
Brian: Don't say that, Mike. It was funny. It just wasn't that funny this time. [Mike's head drops] All the other times were still funny, Mike! They were still funny!!
Cop 1: [crawls to his bike and grabs a radio] Forty-five to dispatch... Stolen whale... heading to Tijuana... Whaaale to Tijuana!! [falls]
Scene Description: MASA, night. Workers get the rocket to the moon ready. They connect chains to the body.
Worker 1: Conecte la segunda cadena. ["Connect the second chain."]
Worker 2: No sé si va a llegar. ["I don't know if it'll reach."]
Stan: They're on their way, Manuel. Is the rocket gonna be ready?
Manuel:
Scene Description: The highway, night. The Moovit! truck is now accompanied by an ALF van.
Butters: Look! The Mexican border!
Clyde: Oh Jesus, they're here!
Scene Description: U.S. Customs / Mexico Boarder Checkpoint. The sign reveals that they are in Arizona and about to enter into Mexico. The Park County cops are blocking the checkpoint and have their guns pointed.
Sergeant: Hold your positions! [a police helicopter comes down. The owner of the sea park and the orca trainers step down from it, along with the security guard]
Owner: Aha! We've got them!
ALF leader: Hang on, boys.
Owner: Mary Mother of God! [the Moovit! truck barrels through the helicopter and blockade. Everyone in the way jumps out of the way. The Moovit! truck is now in Mexico]
Sergeant: [lying face down, points at the truck] Get them!
Scene Description: MASA, later. The Moovit! truck rolls in.
Kyle: Willzy-x, I think we're here.
Stan: [to the ALF leader] Back down the ramp! It's all rigged to go!
ALF leader: You got it, kid! [makes a quick right, then backs up left and towards the end of the dock]
Owner: [arriving at MASA with the guard and trainers] Don't let them get that whale in the water! [Kyle rolls open the trailer door]
Stan: Kyle, it's all set to go! [the ALF van rolls in] Just get Willzy-x into the water! [some ALF officers emerge from the van.]
Kyle: Come on, guys! [Craig, Clyde, Kenny, Butters, and Cartman show up. Clyde and Kenny jump up and pull the ramp down]
Owner: [starts to run in with the guard and trainers] Stop right now!
ALF leader: Hurry, boys! We'll take care of them! [The zoo personnel and the ALF face off, with the ALF landing the first blows. Kelly goes down like a statue. At the dock, the boys struggle to move Willzy-x into the water]
Kyle: Hang on. [looks around] Hold on a second. [steps down into the water and addresses Willzy-x] I gues... I... guess... this is... goodbye, Willzy-x. [the whale opens his mouth. Kyle begins to tear up] I'm gonna miss you. [Butters and Clyde tear up and look at each other] Hey, don't forget me, okay? I won't forget you. [sniffs a bit, then pets the whale.]
Cartman: Oh crap! There's more of them! [police cruisers pour in and officers pour out of them]
Kyle: Get him in the water! [the boys pull Willzy-x once more, with a mighty pull] Goodbye, Willzy-x! [the whale takes to the water and the ALF cheers a job well done]
ALF leader: Swim, mighty whale! You're free!
Stan: Okay, Manuel, hit it. [Manuel presses the launch button]
Owner: [advances with the guard and police] Stop! That is my whale!
ALF leader: I'm afraid you're too late! The whale's been set free.
Owner: No!
ALF leader: Now you see that your ways of captivity and exploiting animals will never prevail. [behind her, a rocket rises into launch position] Not as long as there are children like these who still believe in the beauty and magic of freedom. [The park owner, guard, police, and now FBI gawk at her, or at the rocket behind her.] For it is children, with their innocence and their spirit, who know what is truly best for all the world.
Scene Description: the rocket is now in position. The rocket powers up and now she hears it. She and the ALF turn to see the rocket rise out of its base. Behind it are the chains, attached to a sling below water holding Willzy-x. The chains tighten and lift Willzy-x up and away. The boys grin big.
ALF leader: Oh my God!
Kyle: We did it!
Scene Description: the boys cheer, congratulate each other, and dance. The Mexican launch crew does so as well. A mariachi band appears out of nowhere for the celebration and plays the Mexican anthem. On the US side of the border, Brian looks up to see the rocket rise into space with Willzy-x trailing along in the sling. He laughs weakly.
Scene Description: South Park, night. Manuel has driven the boys back to town in the Moovit! truck and lets them off in their neighborhood.
Stan: Thanks for the ride, Manuel.
Manuel: Sí, bye. [closes the door and drives off]
Butters: Well, see ya, fellas. Uh I've gotta get home before my parents wake up.
Clyde: Yeah, me too. [Craig goes off as well]
Kyle: All right. Thanks for your help, dudes. [the boys walk towards Kyle's house, but Kyle stops] Well, we did it, guys. It wasn't easy, but... we did a really amazing thing.
Cartman: Yeah, I feel pretty awesome right now. [Stan looks at the sky and steps forward. The other boys join him. Before them, up in the sky, is the full moon, bright and nicely detailed]
Stan: I wonder... if he'll ever come back and visit us.
Kyle: I don't know, but at least from now on, every time we look at the moon, we can know that Willzy-x is up there, dancing with the other zypods in his castle.
Scene Description: A shot of the moon, with the Earth in the distance. On the ground lies Willzy-x, motionless.