Scene Description: Stage rehearsal, day. Stan, Kyle, and Wendy are in costume on stage. Stan is dressed in a white suit and bowtie, and a fake beard and mustache. Kyle is dressed as a country doctor with starched collar, and Wendy is dressed in white pants, purple coat and beret, and bowtie. The stage itself has a door prop and a tripod table with a bowl and jar atop it. Kyle enters through the door.
Wendy: Doctor, doctor! Will our daughter be okay?
Kyle: I am sorry, Mr. and Mrs. Keller, but I'm afraid your daughter Helen still cannot see, hear, or speak.
Wendy: Oh no! NO!
Stan: 'Ere 'ere, my good wife, 'ere is nothing we can do.
Wendy: My poor little Helen.
Timmy: [enters through the prop door in blue dress and wig, and holding a doll - Helen Keller!] Timmiihhh!
Wendy: She can't see or hear us, John.
Timmy: Heh-aaaah, Timmih!
Stan: [very slurred - John Keller] E-yes. Perhaps she should go to an asyluh.
Cartman: [in the second front row, directing] Stan, what the hell is wrong with you? I can't understand your lines!
Stan: 'Cause the 'eard 'urts my 'ace.
Kyle: Can we take a lunch break now?
Cartman: No! If we want our play to be better than the kindergartners' play, we have to rehearse as much as possible! Now let's continue the scene!
Bebe: [enters the scene] Hello. My name is Anne Sullivan, and I believe I can teach this child to communicate.
Stan: Uh-eally? Uh you think so?
Bebe: [slaps some water from a pitcher into Timmy's right hand] Water, Helen! Waaa-terr!
Timmy: Agh oh-ight, Timmih!
Cartman: God-damnit, Timmy! Helen Keller isn't supposed to talk!
Butters: [a camera follows him to the auditorium at butt level; another camera shows him entering the room] Hey you guys! We got a big problem! [rushes onto the stage]
Kyle: What is it, Butters?
Butters: The kindergartners! I just came from their dress rehearsal. Hoh, it's good, you guys. It's real good!
Cartman: How good?
Butters: They got Pilgrim outfits! And Indian ones, too! They've got singing and dancing and boy you've never seen such a show! Why, it's a Thanksgiving extravaganza!
Clyde: Oh, no!
Kyle: We can't be outdone by the kindergartners!
Clyde: Oh, now what?
Stan: Oh yeah, we can't!
Cartman: Alright, alright! Quiet down! Look, we still got four days until the Thanksgiving festival; that's plenty of time to revamp our play!
Kyle: Revamp how? The rules are that the fourth grade class has to perform the Helen Keller Story.
Cartman: Yeah, but nobody told us how we had to do it. We can have Thanksgiving stuff and music numbers, too.
Clyde: Well, we can add music numbers, but how do we make the Helen Keller story more Thanksgivingy?
Wendy: I know! How about, instead of a dog, Helen Keller has a pet turkey.
Token: Yeah, a turkey that could do tricks.
Kids: Yeah
Cartman: That's the spirit, gang! Alright. Stan and Wendy, you go out and find some musical instruments! Kenny and Clyde, take some kids and buy some Thanksgiving decorations for the set! Kyle and Timmy, you go out and find a turkey!
Kyle: Okay!
Cartman: This is gonna be the best version of the Miracle Worker ever!
Kids: Yay!
Scene Description: a barn, with no snow around it. Cows are grazing on the grass outside. Inside, a rancher shows Timmy and Kyle around the barn.
Rancher: What kind of turkey are you lookin' for?
Kyle: A smart one, that can do tricks.
Rancher: Well, I ain't got a whole lot left, it bein' almost Thanksgiving and all. [opens a turkey pen so the boys can see] Go ahead, just pick one out. [Timmy looks pleased, looks around, and settles on a deformed turkey which walks with its head against the ground]
Timmy: [apparently having chosen his turkey] Timmaay! [the turkey blinks at him]
Rancher: [notices the turkey] Oh, that one's a little messed up. Not exactly the... pick of the litter.
Timmy: Haaaaa!
Kyle: Uh, Timmy, if we back to the other kids with that turkey they're gonna be pissed!
Timmy: TIMMAY!
Rancher: Yeah. Best you not take that one. I was just about to take it out in the yard and putt a bullet in its head.
Kyle: What?! Aw, dude, don't say that!
Timmy: T-TIIMMAY TIMMAY!
Kyle: Alright, we'll take him. How much?
Rancher: Fifty bucks.
Kyle: But you were just gonna take it out in the backyard and put a bullet in its head!
Rancher: I know! Now I gotta find somethin' else to shoot.
Kyle: [thinks] ...God-damnit, here! [the rancher takes the money, walks over to get the turkey, and delivers the turkey to Timmy] Alright, Timmy, let's go! [Kyle and Timmy leave]
Rancher: I've got a one-legged pig if you'd like, too.
Kyle: Aw, blow it out your ass!
Scene Description: The South Park Community Theatre. Here is where the class has been rehearsing for the play. The marquee reads: "THANKSGIVING EXTRAVAGANZA WEDNESDAY" Inside, Cartman has most of the kids on stage with a man...
Cartman: Guys, I want you all to meet Jeffrey Maynard. He's South Park's biggest expert on musical theater, AND, he played the lead in Les Misérables at the Denver Community Playhouse for five weeks.
Kids: [flatly] Bravo.
Wendy: Do you think we could make up a good Thanksgiving play in four days?
Jeffrey Maynard: [lyrically] I would swear it on my life. Your play shall want for nothing.
Kids: Hooray!
Jeffrey Maynard: Now, the first thing a good musical needs is a big opening number. Something that sets up the entire show.
Cartman: Alright! Places, everybody! Bring in the turkey! [Timmy's turkey sidles in with its head on the ground. Kyle and Timmy follow] What the hell is that?
Kyle: It's a turkey. [long pause] His name is Gobbles.
Timmy: GOBBLES! [Gobbles gobbles]
Cartman: And where... pray... is our beautiful trick performing turkey?
Kyle: Um, we... sssort of spend all the money on this... one...
Timmy: GOBBLES! [Gobbles gobbles]
Cartman: [looks at Kyle for a long time] Kyle, can I talk to you over here for a second? [they walk off to one side of the stage and stop, out of earshot] Kyle? Why do you do these things to me?
Kyle: I didn't do anything to you. Timmy saw the turkey and wanted to get it. What do you want me to say to him?
Cartman: You say, "No, Timmy, you can't have that turkey! Bad Timmy!"
Kyle: [the rest of the cast approaches] Look, I know it isn't exactly what we wanted, but maybe we can train it.
?????: He's not gonna work, Kyle. The whole point was to make our play better than the kindergartners.
Token: Yeah, that turkey sucks.
Jeffrey Maynard: [lyrically] Wait! What's that, you say? A thanksgiving turkey is what you require? I know of a turkey.
Stan: You do?
Jeffrey Maynard: [lyrically] During my years on Broadway I... worked with a turkey who could do all kinds of tricks. She even jumped through a hoop of fire.
Cartman: Cool! Can you get it for us?
Jeffrey Maynard: I will go promptly and call her trainer. On the morrow you shall have your trick performing turkey.
Kids: Alright! [Timmy takes Gobbles and wheels off stage]
Scene Description: South Park, Timmy's house, night. Timmy is in his room with a hula hoop in hand, sitting on the floor
Timmy: Gobbles! [shows him the hoop and points to it. Gobbles just blinks. Timmy tries again] Gobbles! [Gobbles blinks, then walks up to the hoop and lifts his head through it. Timmy is dismayed] Up, heh. Uh! [coaxes Gobbles through the hoop. Gobbles trips and falls out. Timmy grins] Heeey, Gobbles! [Gobbles gets up and walks away. Timmy pulls out a lighter and sets the hoop aflame] Gobbles. [Gobbles just stares and Timmy urges] Gobbles! [Gobbles poops]
Scene Description: South Park, Cartman's house, night. Cartman is in his room rewriting a part of the play.
Cartman: No no! [tosse another sheet over his shoulder, to join other wads on the floor. His mother enters the room]
Liane: Boopsie-kins, It's late. You need to be in bed.
Cartman: I can't sleep, Mom! I have to write the lyrics for the opening song of our Helen Keller Thanksgiving spectacular!
Liane: Now, hon!
Cartman: [whining a bit] But [turns around] Mo-o-om, I have to write these lyrics so the plight of Helen Keller can be realized by the common man.
Liane: Twenty more minutes, and that's it. [exits and closes the door]
Cartman: [spins around and gets back to work] Twenty minutes! Does Tim Rice's mom give him twenty minutes to write the lyrics to "Phantom Of The Opera"?! [looks at a small portrait of Helen Keller on his desk, picks it up and studies it] Speak to me Helen. Let me be your voice. [after looking at the portrait some more, he gets frustrated and slams the portrait onto the desk] Come on, you blind bitch! Channel your spirit through me!
Scene Description: South Park, Timmy's house. Timmy is in bed asleep. Soon, Gobbles hops up on the bed and drops his head on the covers. He slowly inches up to Timmy's face, looking at Timmy all the while, and settles in next to him. Gobbles soon falls asleep. Timmy's left hand comes to rest on Gobbles' body. An exterior shot with the moon low in the sky is shown and fades out.
Scene Description: The South Park Community Theatre, the stage, next day. rehearsal. Clyde is speaking under a spotlight
Clyde: Tonight we present the story of a courageous girl and her fight against depression
Cartman: [in the audience] OP-pression!
Clyde: Oppression. Our play begins in a simpler time. [music comes up] Alabama, in the late 1800s [spotlight goes off, Clyde walks off stage, curtains open. A lone house stands against a desert background and clouds float high against the sky-blue backdrop. Dancing singers begin]
Actors: 1800's, Alabama! What a great place and time!We're so happy that we live in 1800's Alabama 'cause it's sunny and there is no crime!
Jeffrey: [in the audience] Now to the refrain!
Actors: And in this little town in 1800's Alabama there's a family by the name of Keller! [They dance off to one side of the house. A water pump appears] Their daughter's deaf and mute and blind as a bat, and her parents can't even tell her!!
Lamond: [a man with a small animal cage enters] Excuse me, I am Lamond, the animal trainer.
Clyde: Oh. [quickly calls the others] Cool! He's here! [the other kids gather]
Cartman: Awesome! Do you have a turkey that can do tricks?
Lamond: Ap ap! Do not call them tricks! She's a very sensitive turkey! She performs feats, not tricks. Ladies and gentlemen, may I present the most beautiful bird in America! [sets the cage down] Four-time prize winner of the National Western Stock Show and reigning poster child of turkeylovers.com! I give you Alinicia! [one serious turkey walks out of the cage, and the kids are impressed]
Cartman: Yeh.
Others: Wow.
Cartman: Whoa.
Bebe: Her feathers are beautiful.
Clyde: That's the prettiest turkey I ever saw.
Lamond: Of course she is! [she looks back at the kids and thrusts her beak in the air]
Cartman: Okay! Now we can really get this thing underway! Places, everybody! [the kids move back...] Where the hell is Timmy?
Timmy: [off screen] TIM-MIH! [all turn and face him. He's in costume with Gobbles before him. Gobbles raises his head and gobbles]
Lamond: What... is... that?!
Cartman: Uh, that's Gobbles, the physically challenged turkey. [Timmy takes his lighter and sets his hoop on fire, then lowers it for his bird]
Timmy: Gobbles! [Gobbles makes no move] Gobbles?!
Kyle: Timmy, we already got a turkey.
Clyde: Yeah, and it's from Broadway.
Timmy: [indicates his turkey] Gobbles.
Cartman: No, Timmy! That handicapped turkey does not go in our play!
Kyle: Dude, don't forget: Timmy is the only kid who can play Helen Keller. Don't piss him off.
Cartman: No, that's right. Only Timmy knows the part.
Timmy: [stubborn] Tim-mih.
Cartman: Oh, Jesus! Okay, fine! Helen Keller can have TWO pet turkeys! [Alinicia protests vigorously, shedding feathers everywhere]
Lamond: My turkey does not work with other turkeys!
Cartman: Oh, God-damnit, now what are we gonna do?!
Scene Description: The South Park Community Theatre, later. Hallway outside a dressing room. The door opens and Lamond stands there trying to calm Alinicia down
Lamond: Alright, ah ah alright! Alri- ah a-alright. Alright. [exits and closes the door]
Cartman: [walks up] Dude, we need your turkey for our play!
Lamond: She's not coming out. She's very upset! She's pooped all over the room!
Cartman: I know, I know, but listen: Uh, let me try to explain the position I'm in here. The retarded turkey belongs to our friend, Timmy. And Timmy's the only person who knows the part of Helen Keller. So, so tell me what I can do here to make everybody happy?
Lamond: [ominously] Kill the other turkey!
Cartman: I can't dude. Timmy has a boner for it.
Lamond: Well, it could meet with "an unfortunate accident."
Cartman: Unfortunate accident? You mean, like Geena Davis getting her own TV show? [laughs, but realizes he's alone in this] Oh.
Lamond: It's very simple! Either that turkey meets with an unfortunate accident, or you don't have a feat-performing turkey for your Helen Keller Thanksgiving musical!
Cartman: Alright, alright! Just get your turkey to stop crapping all over the dressing room and come out for rehearsal! I'll take care of everything. [walks off]
Scene Description: The South Park Community Theatre, the stage, later. Bebe and Timmy are front and center while the others stand in a row in the background
Bebe: [enunciating] Water, Helen. It has a name. Oh, why can't you understand?
Timmy: Dehh haaa. [unimpressed looks from Cartman, Jeffrey, and Lamond]
Bebe: Water, Helen, Water.
Kids: She's never gonna do it. There's no way she'll ever do it.
Bebe: Helen, Helen. Water, Helen.
Kids: How can she talk if she can't hear? This is absolutely pointless!
Cartman: Okay, uh, hold it. Uh, let's hold it right there a second. [whisks himself onstage] Okay, I just want to adjust the blocking real quick. Hm-let's see. Uh, why don't we have Turkey #2 [starts moving Gobbles along] stand just a little bit more over... [puts it behind the Comedy Central logo] here. [mulls over the position] Let's see, maybe a little more up in here. [moves it a bit towards stage center] And just a wee bit over here. [Gobbles is back behind the logo, a bit] And right about... [moves Gobbles a bit back] hm'ere. [steps back] There we go. Good. [goes off stage. A cable whips out of place somewhere. A lighting fixture falls on Kenny and kills him]
Stan: Oh my God, they've killed Kenny!
Jeffrey: Whoa-aaaa [dances away]
Cartman: Aw, crap! I must've rigged the wrong light!
Jeffrey: [onstage, walks up to Kenny's corpse, then gets lyrical] Let him rest in peace. Let him rest. Why must he die?
Butters: [a camera follows him to the auditorium at butt level; another camera shows him entering the room] They've got special effects! [Jeffrey continues singing in the background]
Kyle: What Butters? [Butters meets the others onstage]
Butters: The kindergartners! They've got amazing stage effects. Pyrotechnics and what have yous. Why, it's a regular feast for the eyes!
Wendy: Oh, no!
Clyde: We're never gonna outdo them now! [the kids begin to chatter amongst themselves]
Token: But what are we gonna do?
Cartman: [Jeffrey continues his dirge] Calm down! Calm down! We can have special effects, too. Now, I know a lot is going wrong, but we've got to stick together to make this play work! [looks at Lamond] All of us! [Lamond crosses his arms]
Jeffrey: -and into your hands [the kids now pay attention to him] uh he... buh... [hums, then stops singing, stares, then gets up and walks offstage]
Scene Description: The South Park Community Theatre, the stage, later. Timmy is in another hallway trying to get Gobbles to hop through the hoop
Timmy: Gobbles! [Gobbles lifts his head and drops it away from Timmy] Hu-ugh, Gobbles! [they hear the door open. Timmy puts the hoop away and gathers Gobbles on his lap]
Lamond: [peeks in] Little boy.
Timmy: [spins around] Timmy.
Lamond: Yes, Tim. I feel I must speak with you. [walks up to Timmy] The others, well, they don't want you to know, but, oh, I don't know what to do. Should I tell you?
Timmy: T-Timmih? [a bit afraid]
Lamond: I feel I'm the only one who can be honest with you. [genuflects next to Timmy] The animal shelter is on its way to...take your turkey away from you.
Timmy: Gobbles? [scared]
Lamond: You see, they don't allow children in your... situation... to have wild animals as pets. You can't take him running, you can't take care of him. They... have to take it away.
Timmy: Gobbles!
Lamond: They take wild pets away from people like you... and hand them over for experiments. And they're shocked, dissected, and flayed while they're still alive. And no matter where you go, the shelter people will find you. The only way for that turkey to avoid years of torture is for you to... let him go. Back into the wild. [listens for something] Oh no! Here they come now! [two men round the corner] Quick, go! And set your turkey free! I'll try to stall them.
Timmy: [turns and wheels away from the oncoming men] T-tim-mih.
Installer: Eh, excuse me, we're here to install the water effects for the musical?
Lamond: Uh, the stage is right through there.
Installer: Thanks. [he and his partner walk towards the stage. Lamond looks after them as they leave]
Scene Description: South Park, Cartman's house, night. Cartman is at his desk in his room rewriting a song.
Cartman: Alright, got to write the new lyrics. Lemme see. [writes] no [writes] No. [writes] NO! [writes] God-damnit [takes the sheet and squeezes it into a wad]
Jeffrey: [enters the room] How is it going, Eric?
Cartman: Terrible! [turns and faces Jeffrey] I can't write the lyrics for the third act! Nothing's coming to me.
Jeffrey: Well, you know in theater sometimes, we try different tricks to get the creative juices flowing.
Cartman: Like what?
Jeffrey: Let's see. [closes the door behind him] Helen Keller was blind and deaf. [walks to Cartman's side desk] Perhaps you should see what it is like. Deprive yourself of your senses and see what plays inside your mind. Here. [turns Cartman around and puts a blindfold on him.]
Cartman: Hey, that's not a bad idea.
Jeffrey: [puts some headphones on him] Just relax. Just try to let your mind wander and let the juices flow... [a long pause. then a series of images present themselves]
Scene Description: First, the portrait of Helen Keller. Then nothing. Then Helen Keller again, then a banana split, then Helen again, then a human skull. Cartman is disturbed. Then Helen, the skull, another skull, Helen, a mummy whose hair moves a bit, bombs dropping from planes, a sinister clown, the banana split, a body being prepped for operation, the banana split, a wall with "GO DEAD BE DEAD" written in blood on it, a Russian show of military might, Helen, animals tearing at something, a riot, a close-up of a snake, an atomic bomb test, a lasik experiment. Cartman. The first skull, "GO DEAD BE DEAD", the skull, the experiment, the skull, the experiment, a woman wailing in the flames, open-heart surgery, a rat eating a dead rat, the banana split, a mouth being pulled open, Helen, a Nazi troop march, a fireman in an inferno, the Hindenburg bursting in flame, an alien opening its mouth and the camera zooms in... Cartman takes the blindfold and headphones off
Cartman: Oh, man!
Jeffrey: Well, did you see anything?
Cartman: No, just the same old crap I always see when I close my eyes.
Jeffrey: ...Oh, that's too bad.
Cartman: Wait. I've got it! The perfect setup for when Helen Keller's pet turkey jumps through the hoop of fire! [starts writing furiously] Yes! Yes! I have it now!
Scene Description: South Park, residential street, day. Timmy rolls along dejected and turns to another street. He remembers what Lamond said as he rolls
Lamond: [his head appears beside Timmy] The only way for that turkey to avoid years of torture is for you to... let him go... [fades as it echoes] let him go... let him go...[the head disappears]
Timmy: [stops and lets Gobbles go] Gobbles! [points away so Gobbles could leave. Gobbles moves his head in that direction, but nothing else] Gobbles!! [turns around and rolls away. Gobbles follows him and gobbles. Timmy turns around again and face Gobbles] Gobbles. Gobbles! [points away again, turns and rolls away. Gobbles follows some more] Timmih. [a tear appears in his eye] Timmih, Gobbles. [turns away and rolls off, leaving Gobbles alone. The camera pulls back and moves to the first house on the right side. A man and son sit on their doorway]
Boy: Daddy, why did Mommy leave and go to heaven?
Father: She didn't want to, Kevin. She... had no choice.
Boy: But I miss her. [father and son start to cry. The camera moves to a bench on which two men sit]
Elderly man: [his middle-aged son comforts him] I could have so much more with my life, son. I've wasted it. I've wasted it, not ever telling you and Mark that I love you. [both men start to cry. The camera moves to Heidi Turner crying over a dead dog.]
Heidi: Robby! Robby, no! [cries uncontrollably. The camera moves to a couple in discord. the woman is sad]
Woman: ...Because now, every time I look at you [he tries to console her], I see her! [she swats his arm away] I have to move on.
Man: Kelly, please. Don't do this. I'm sorry.
Kelly: Then why did you do it?? [breaks down and sobs]
Man: I don't know! [beings to cry, too, and rests his head on her shoulder. The camera moves to a lady with something to say]
Lady: Have you done the right things in your life? [the camera looks up into the sky as it fades into night]
Scene Description: The South Park Community Theatre, Wednesday, play day. The parents arrive and take seats. Mrs. Marsh finds Mrs. Broflovski siting in the audience already, and walks up to her
Sharon: Hi, Sheila.
Sheila: Hello, Sharon. Where's your husband?
Sharon: Oh, he's in the back. He set up a video camera so he can tape the performance.
Sheila: Oh, so did Gerald. [indeed, all the husbands are in the back of the theatre with video cameras at the ready]
Gerald: Oh yeah, I got a great angle here.
Randy: Ey, Gerald, maybe after the show we can make copies of each other's tape so we have both.
Gerald: Good idea.
Scene Description: The South Park Community Theatre, stage. The kids mill around backstage
Kyle: So wait. Do we do that spin-around thing on the last beat?
Stan: No, it's on the 'en or the 'ay. [Timmy rolls slowly in ]
Kyle: You ready for the big show, Timmy?
Stan: Where's Gobbles, Timmy?
Timmy: Gobbles.
Cartman: [cheerfully] Alright everybody, let's take our places!
Kyle: Cartman, where's Timmy's turkey?
Cartman: I don't know. [Stan and Kyle cross their arms] I don't know, you guys! Alright, maybe I tried to have Timmy's turkey crushed by a stage light, but I didn't do anything else. I'm not an asshole.
Lamond: You're going to be brilliant, you sexy, gorgeous turkey. With that other meddling animal out of the way, you'll steal the show! [Alinicia gobbles]
Scene Description: South Park, business district, day. Gobbles walks along the curb as cars zip by, then decides to cross the street. A car zips be and Gobbles steps back. The camera angle shows Gobbles' view of the car that almost ran over him
Driver: [walks up to collect Gobbles] Well, well, what are doing out here? [picks him up] You shouldn't be out walking the streets. [opens his truck, tosses Gobbles in, and rushes to the cab of the truck. The side of the truck reads, "Uncle Joe's Fresh Turkey. Succulent and Juicy Turkeys," with a plump turkey in the background. The driver takes off quickly]
Scene Description: Uncle Joe's Fresh Turkey truck, trailer section. Gobbles finds himself along near the doors and looks up to see a group of turkeys looking back at him. Then the turkeys look up, and Gobbles does also. What they see is a sign that reads, "Thanksgiving Turkey. Killed Humanely." Gobbles looks at the turkeys, who look back, and then drops his head
Scene Description: The South Park Community Theatre, stage. Mr. Garrison is present to introduce the show.
Mr. Garrison: Hello, parents, and welcome to the 13th annual South Park Thanksgiving Pageant.
Mr. Mackey: [bored, rests his head on his hand] Every year the fourth graders do "The Miracle Worker," and every year I have to sit and watch it.
Principal Victoria: Yeah, I swore that if I had to see it one more time, I'd put a bullet in my head. [demonstrates with her finger] But luckily I got really stoned before I came.
Mr. Garrison: And now, here it is. The touching story of Helen Keller, "The Miracle Worker." [walks off. The parents are seen clapping, and then the curtains open up to reveal kids dancing and doing acrobatic feats]
Kids: Helen Keller, Helen Keller, blind as a bat.She can't hear us speak. What's up with that?
Sheila: This is "The Miracle Worker"?
Sharon: I... well... maybe. [more dancing follows]
Principal Victoria: Oh, oh, haha. Wow.
Scene Description: Uncle Joe's Fresh Turkey factory. The truck backs up to building 2B and dumps its cargo into a chute. The turkeys tumble down into a holding room and recover. Gobbles ends up there and looks up at a sign: "Our Turkeys are killed... HUMANELY!!!"
Wrangler: [a vertical door rises and he directs the turkeys] Come on. Yaah! Move it!
Scene Description: the turkeys leave the room and enter another one. A movie screen faces them. Another worker appears and closes the door behind the turkeys. The turkeys remain excited until a movie comes up with sweeping views of nature. The turkeys calm down, and a view of clouds zipping along the sky follows. Then waterfalls. The lights come up and a giant saw comes out and chops the heads off all the turkeys save one. The saw rises. Only Gobbles survives, and he keeps his head low as he finds a clearing. A large board appears and pushes the decapitated turkeys out an opening on the opposite wall. The bodies are then lifted up and returned to the truck they came in, but the building they come out of is 3C. Gobbles falls off the truck and ends up on the floor. Jimbo and other South Park hunters pass by and notice
Jimbo: Holy crow. Look, boys! A real live wild turkey! [Gobbles sees the hunters and tries to run away.] It's tryin' to outsmart us! Come on, fellas! [they pursue Gobbles]
Scene Description: The South Park Community Theatre, stage. The audience watches as Wendy
Wendy: John, come quick! Our little baby's very sick [Stan rushes in] When I pout she doesn't flinch, and when she doesn't move an inch.
Stan: No, that cannot be. Honey you are scaring me.
Wendy: She can't see hear, John. Watch. Helen!
Stan: Helen!
Wendy: ...Helen! [the audience stares in disbelief] I think our baby's deaf and blind. Oh no!
Stan: Oh no! [they lean on each other]
Wendy: Oh no! Oh no!!! [both collapse to the floor, and the curtains close. Alinicia trots in and gets the spotlight. She then performs her feats. She hops up on a small stand, walks a tightrope, and hops off the stand at the other end. She hops through a hoop and lands on a third stand, then pulls the cover off a sign introducing the next scene: "Scene 2, Eight Years Later" and takes a bow. A few people clap]
Scene Description: The South Park Community Theatre, backstage. Timmy and Lamond watch Alinicia perform.
Lamond: She's brilliant! Everyone loves her so far. [the two workers approach him]
Cartman: [rushes up] Hey, the fountains you guys installed are shorting out some of our lights.
Installer: Look, we're only here to do the water effects. We're not in charge of electrical. That's a different union.
Timmy: [looks at Cartman] Timmih?
Cartman: Union Mafia bastards! [Timmy looks at Lamond in fear]
Lamond: Oh, heh. Look, Tim, all is well in love and theatre, right? Haha.
Timmy: [throws off his wig and turns to wheel away] Gobbles!! [zips out]
Scene Description: The South Park Community Theatre, stage. Cartman rushes up to the other kids
Cartma: Were is Timmy?! He's on in one minute!
Kyle: He's gone, dude! Butters says he saw him leave.
Cartman: Leave?? Leave?? But nobody else knows the part of Helen Keller!
Jeffrey: [approaches the boys] I do. I know the part. If I must, I can go on.
Cartman: ...Alright, fine! Get in costume!
Scene Description: South Park, business district, day. Timmy wheels down the street past Tele's calling out...
Timmy: Gobbles! Gobbles!
Scene Description: The barn. Gobbles returns to his prior home, and the hunters follow him there
Jimbo: [prepares his rifle] There it is! [three other men prepare their rifles] Hey, hey! I saw it first! I get the first shot! [aims his rifle and spots the turkey] Here, turkey turkey. [focuses on the turkey]
Scene Description: The South Park Community Theatre, stage. Stan, Kyle, Wendy, and Jeffrey are in costume
Wendy: There is nothing we can do for our poor daughter. We cannot reach her.
Jeffrey: [lyrically] I cannot hear what they are saying. I cannot tell them how I feel [in disbelief]I think our baby's deaf and blind. Oh no!
Cartman: What the hell is he doing? Helen Keller isn't supposed to sing!
Jeffrey: If only I could say things that go on in my mind. [in disbelief] I think our baby's deaf and blind. Oh no!
Principal Victoria: [touched] Oh, wow.
Scene Description: The barn. Jimbo still has Gobbles in his sights
Jimbo: That's it. Thaaat's it! [about to pull the trigger]
Timmy: Gobbles! [sees Jimbo and is alarmed]
Jimbo: Gotcha!
Timmy: [Slow motion, jumps out of his chair and dives towards] Gobbles! [flies through the air. Jimbo fires his rifle, and Timmy falls on the floor limp. Jimbo sees what he's done, and all the hunters lower their rifles. Gobble's head pops up behind Timmy. The other hunters whistle and move away slowly, leaving Jimbo and Ned alone. Gobbles walks up to Timmy and nudges him] T-timmih? [Gobbles pokes him] Gobbles? [slowly comes to, then quickly sits up] Gobbles! Haaaah. [brushes himself off and gathers Gobbles up in his arms]
Jimbo: [rushes up to Timmy and is relived that he's okay] Aw, thank God you're alright, kid. [goes down on one knee] It was an accident, I swear. Uh, is there any way we can make it up to you?
Timmy: [determined] Timmih.
Scene Description: The South Park Community Theatre, stage. Bebe, and Jeffrey are in costume. Bebe pumps water onto Jeffrey's hand
Bebe: Yes, that's it. [Jeffrey keeps his hand under the water] That's it, Helen. Water! WA-TER!
Jeffrey: Wawa.
Bebe: She did it!
Kids: [in the background, come forward] She did it! She did it! Water! Water water aaaaaaaa! Water, Helen, Water. We can't believe she did it. The dumb kid really did it. Water, Helen, Water.
Jeffrey: Now that I can communicate the world is not so cold and dark. [Cartman slaps his head and the waterworks begin]
Kids: [slowing] Water, Helen, Aaa-aaaaaa![the waterworks go up real high and two fountainheads crash into each other]
Lamond: [prepping Alinicia] Here it comes, angel! Your big finale! The audience is going to go wild! [a shadow enters the scene and Lamond looks up. He sees Gobbles and an angry Timmy with arms crossed glaring at him] Oh. Back already? Don't worry. Maynard covered your part flawlessly.
Timmy: Timmih! [the hunters gather and take aim at Alinicia]
Jimbo: Turkey shoot! [the hunters fire away and decimate Alinicia. Her blood spurts all over Lamond, who shields his eyes.]
Lamond: [He falls on one knee at the horror] Alinicia! Jesus, no!
Timmy: Aaaa, Timmih!
Cartman: [walks up with Kyle] Okay, we're ready for the- [stops in his tracks and stares at the dead Alinicia.] What the hell did you assholes do?! This is supposed to be the big finale where the turkey jumps through the ring of fire!
Kyle: [steps forward and points] Hey, look! [onstage, Gobbles approaches the ring of fire and steps through it. The kids grin immediately]
Principal Victoria: [in awe] Oh. Oh, wow! WOWuh! [starts to clap. The audience soon follows]
Cartman: [exults] They loved it! They LOVED it!
Timmy: Gobbles!
Scene Description: The South Park Community Theatre, stage, night. Mr. Garrison is onstage to introduce the last skit of the night
Mr. Garrison: And finally tonight, parents, we have the South Park Kindergarten class. Their play is titled, "Thanksgiving, Mon Ami."
Stan: Okay, here we go. [the kids are still backstage, but in their street clothes]
Kyle: Dude, it just can't be better than ours. It just can't be.
Kindergartners: [four little pilgrims enter singing badly to a long table in front of a cabin and a tipi] It's getting dinner. Let's all eat. E I E I O. And on that dinner we'll invite some Indians E I E I O. [four little Indians appear and take their seats at the table] With an Indian here and an Indian there Everywhere an Indian, Indian. Uh thank, thank- [something pops by the middle of the table...]
Pilgrim Girl: [runs off] Aaaaaaa!
Kindergartners: Happy Thanksgiving. [another kindergartner wheels a horse prop onstage. The curtains then close]
Mr. Garrison: Alright, see you next year, parents. [a hush falls over the audience and the actors backstage]
Cartman: That's it?
Stan: We worked our asses off to compete with that?!
Kyle: Butters told us their play was awesome! [the kids move away from Butters a bit]
Butters: ...Wow, did you see that? They had a horse, too!
Timmy: Gobbles, deh!


Scene Description: The camera pans across a nicely appointed study, rests a bit, and "South Park Classics" appears on screen as a classical piece plays
Narrator: [seated in an armchair reading a book] Aaah. [looks at the camera] Dickens. The imagery of cobblestone streets, cragging London buildings, and nutmeg-filled Yorkshire puddings. [closes the book] Hello, I'm a British person. For years now, the character Pip has been featured prominently in the American show, South Park. However, many Americans don't realize where Pip came from. He's the prowling little adorable Englishman from Charles Dickens' timeless classic, "Great Expectations" [displays the title] And so tonight, the makers of South Park have agreed to take a break from their regular show, and instead present the prestigious Dickens tale in its entirety from beginning to end. Indeed, after watching this show, you'll know the timeless classic as if you'd... read the Cliff Notes themselves. Our story is set in England, in the small town of Drop-A-Chair-Upon-Top-Snot, [the town is now shown, with Pip walking up the street from a distance] where a young blond-haired boy named Pip was on his way to see his parents.
Scene Description: Drop-A-Chair-Upon-Top-Snot, day. Pip leaves the town, crosses an open field, enters an enclosed lot and stops right in front of the camera
Pip: [holding a bunch of flowers] 'Ello Mom. 'Ello Dad. It certainly is nice to see you again. [before him are two tombstones. They are of his parents, Phillip and Georgina Pirrip. Pip is in the town graveyard.] Don't worry. Sister is still taking very good care of me. She just loves to smack me in the face and tell me I'm worthless. O, we have such fun together. [a wind comes up and begins to howl. Pip takes notice] But it's getting dark, Mom and Dad. I'll see you again soon. [walks off, but there's a fear in him as he walks through the graveyard. He has his hands in his coat pockets. He is snatched up from behind] Wa-a-ah!
Escaped Convict: Wha' are you doin' 'ere, you little whippersham!
Pip: [fearless] Oh, hello. Why, you look like an escaped convict. Did we breaky-wakys out of prison? [the surprised man lets him down] Oh dear! But you're shackled. Here, let me help you. [whips out some bolt cutters]
Escaped Convict: Wha' are you doin' wit' those?
Pip: I'm an apprentice blacksmith. [snips the arm and leg shackles in two] There you are. [puts the bolt cutters away and whips out some food] And here's a sandwich. You must be starving! [the man takes the sandwich, then walks away]
Escaped Convict: [stops and turns] Here. W-why are you easy to help me?
Pip: Well, it's not for me to judge you, sir. We are all the same. [the man turns and walks away] Don't quite all smell the same, I'm afraid. [walks out of the graveyard towards his residence, a rambling one-story shack. The sound of smithing is heard in the background]
Mrs. Joe: [sees him enter and grabs him by the scarf] Pip, where 'ave you been?!
Pip: Waaah! [is whipped towards the opposite wall, which he hits hard, but he recovers instantly] Lovely day, isn't it?
Mrs. Joe: What the hell's lovely about it?! [to someone else - a burly man working on some metal] Joe, teach this boy some bloody cynicism!
Joe: I don't know about that. I just thought I'd keep to me blacksmithing. [looks at his project] Ey, look! I've made me a metal fire poker. [holds it up]
Mrs. Joe: A lot of bloody good a fire poker's gonna do while I'm starvin' to death! Why don't you make us some bloody food to eat!
Joe: [finishes another item and sets down his hammer] Alright. Look 'ere, I made me a metal orange. [shows it off]
Mrs. Joe: STOP your metal orange, you bastard! You never want a tablespoon of nigh'ingale droppin's, you me'al-poundin' fairy! [Pip is shown] And you! Why don't you ge' a job?! You're eight years old now!
Joe: [finishing yet another project] Oh, lookie heeah! [holds up a newspaper] I've gone and made a metal newspaper!
Mrs. Joe: Shut up, you silly lip! What are we supposed to do with a metal newspaper?
Joe: Well, for starters we can look in the want ads and see if we can find Pip a job. Ohhh, lookie here! Young man wanted for paid position!
Mrs. Joe: Where? [Joe shows her the paper]
Pip: Where?
Mrs. Joe: "Havisham residence seeks young boy to play with lonely daughter. Will pay up to..." TWENTY QUID A DAY??
Pip: That's a lot of [hops] money-loney.
Joe: You can keep a little girl company for 20 quid a day, Pip. And Old Mrs. Havisham is the wealthiest woman in the town. [Mrs. Joe walks away]
Scene Description: The Havisham Residence is shown from the gates, next day.
Scene Description: The South Park Classics study. The British is seated in an armchair reading a book
Narrator: Well, the very next day, Pip went to Old Ms. Havisham's house to inquire about the job. [Pip rings the door bell pulley at Havisham Estate, then a shot of the narrator] and it was there that he met the girl of his dreams.
Scene Description: A girl approached the gate at the Havisham Residence. She's got flowing blonde hair and a bowler for a hat
Girl: Who are you?! [there's venom in her voice]
Pip: ...I've come to answer the want ad.
Girl: Is that so, you smelly little bastard?!
Pip: [jarred] What??
Girl: [opens the gate and lets him in] This way, you pathetic squirt of vaginal discharge! [leads him to the entrance and through the front doors, then to their left] This way, you beef-witted shriveled-up monkey's penis. [leads him up the grand stairway] Up here, you gamy mass of baby vomit! [the place suffers from neglect, as spiderwebs hang from the chandeliers and walls around the mansion. The windows are covered over with paper. The girl leads Pip down the hall upstairs] In here.
Pip: Eho. After you, miss.
Girl: I'm not going in there, you stupid puddle of a homeless man urine!
Scene Description: The Havisham Estate, upstairs. Pip enters a grand dining room in which everything is covered, and has been for a long time. He scans the room until a voice gets his attention.
Ms. Havisham: [an elderly lady still in wedding veil] Who is that?
Pip: I've come to answer the want ad, ma'am.
Ms. Havisham: [beckons] Come closer. Look at me. [Pip closes the door and approaches] Does it frighten you to look upon a woman who has not seen the sun in over 20 years?
Pip: Oh, no, no! You you sort of look upon one when you have not seen the sun for over 20 years quite a lot these... days.
Ms. Havisham: I sometimes have sick fancies. [puts her hands together] And I have a fancy I should like to see someone play. So, play. Play.
Pip: [not sure what she wants] Um. [begins to dance. The girl enters, glances at him, then continues to Ms. Havisham]
Ms. Havisham: Estella, play with this boy.
Estella: [the blonde girl] With HIM? [Pip dances faster] But he's just a commoner!
Ms. Havisham: [leans over and whispers] But, you can break his heart.
Estella: ...Alright, boy, let us play.
Pip: Righty-o. What are we going to play?
Estella: [walks over to a wood pile, gets a log, and brings it with her] We're going to play a little game called, "Smack the Blond Boy In the Head With a Large Log."
Pip: [hops excitedly] Oh, yes! My sister and I play that game at home all the time! [gladly bows to Estella] Who will go first? [Estella is taken aback by this gesture, as is Ms. Havisham]
Estella: [frustrated] Oh, you stupid pathetic boy! [drops the log and rushes out of the room unnerved. Pip looks up quizzically]
Ms. Havisham: What do you think of her?
Pip: Well, uh... I think she's very pretty.
Ms. Havisham: Hm-m-m. What else?
Pip: I think she's rather insulting.
Ms. Havisham: Hm, you quite fancy her, don't you? Come back again next week. We shall "play" some more. [Pip turns and exits the room.]
Scene Description: The blacksmith's house, night. Pip returns to his sister's place and gets ready to bed for the night. He falls asleep
Narrator: [Off-screen] That night, Pip spent all his sleeping hours unable to get Estella's beautiful face out of his mind.
Dream Estella: Stop dreaming about me, you slow-witted rectal belch!
Narrator: Day after day Pip visited Estella. Sometimes they would play, sometimes they would talk. But every single day Pip's love for Estella grew.
Scene Description: The Havisham Estate, garden, day. Estella is whacking Pip over the head with her log. Twice she does it, then tries a third time, but can't
Pip: [stands up straight] Don't you wanna play anymore?
Estella: [tosses her log away] Boy, do you still think I'm pretty? [draws near]
Pip: Oho. Well, yes, miss.
Estella: And, do you still think I'm insulting?
Pip: Oh, um, not so much as before. [slapped by Estella] Ow!
Estella: I hate you! You're an oozing, painful hemorrhoid that belches pus!
Pip: [exasperated. puts hands in coat pockets] Oh, dear.
Estella: You may kiss me if you like. [offers her cheek. He looks, then kisses her on the cheek. She softens] Come. Let us walk in the daisy garden. [she leads him past a fountain in which a boy is splashing about merrily]
A Boy: Oh, what fun it is to splash about in the fountain! [points at Pip] You there, the prowling little boy! I bet you can't jump on my back! [shows Pip his back] Go on, then. Try and jump on my back!
Pip: Who is that?
Estella: Just another playmate hired to amuse me. You didn't think you were the only one, did you?
Pip: Oh I... rather thought I was.
Estella: Oh, you silly small-testicled boy. Come, let us walk through the rose garden. [takes his hand and leads him onward]
Scene Description: The Havisham Estate, exterior. The camera looks at the second floor, focusing on Ms. Havisham
Ms. Havisham: Yes, good. She will break his pathetic heart into a million pieces.
Scene Description: The South Park Classics study. The British Person resumes narrating
Narrator: Well, what a spot poor Pip was in. He was hired to be the friend of the very harsh and beautiful Estella. And although she treated him like dirt, or perhaps because she treated him like dirt, Pip found himself more in love with the little girl each and every day. [excitedly] Oh, bless him! Isn't he lovely?? [the cheer vanishes] But, isn't it sad? Because Pip knew that someone as sophisticated and as wealthy as Estella could never love him, for he was just a simple blacksmith's apprentice.
Scene Description: The blacksmith's house, night. Joe is working on another creation. Pip watches
Joe: [hammering away] And so you bang on this side, and bang on that side, and there you have it. [holds up some steel dice and hands them to Pip.] Your very own metal fuzzy dice.
Pip: [takes the dice] Yes. I see. [walks to a chair and sits in it] Hoh, lovely.
Joe: Eeyyyy, what's all this, Pip?
Pip: Joe, do you know anything about girls?
Joe: [resumes hammering] Sure! They're those things with vaginas in them.
Pip: [blank look then] But, do you know anything about them? About how they work.
Joe: [pauses and looks back at Pip] Oh, I don't know about that. I just like to keep to me blacksmithin'. [begins to hammer more vigorously]
Pip: Do you think that a girl who is rich and educated would ever want to be with a blacksmith?
Joe: Oh. D'ooooh. No, I don't think so, Pip. [a knock is heard at the door] Who could that be? [goes to answer the door. A lawyer, with cane and tall hat, addresses him]
Lawyer: Joe, the blacksmith?
Joe: The same.
Lawyer: I'm a lawyer from London in search of a young lad named Pip.
Pip: I'm Pip, sir.
Lawyer: Mr. Blacksmith, I've been sent here to offer you a reasonable sum of money in exchange for your apprentice. [walks over to Pip]
Joe: Oh, well, uh Pip's not for sale, sir.
Lawyer: I have a client who wishes to give this bright child a future. Anything he desires. [Joe approaches] Do you still object?
Joe: Heaven forbid I should stand in the way of Pip's future, but-
Lawyer: He will one day inherit a handsome property. But the owner of that property wants him first to travel to London and learn to be a gentleman.
Joe: That's great news! [Pip grins]
Lawyer: There's only one condition, Pip. Your benefactor wishes to remain anonymous.
Pip: Oho. But it must be Ms. Havisham!
Lawyer: OH OH! If you have any suspicion of who that person might be, you are to keep it in your own breast. Understood?
Pip: Yes sir.
Lawyer: Then you will go to London in a week's time. [deposits some money on the table] Here's 20 sterling. Well, blacksmith, you look stunned.
Joe: I am, sir.
Lawyer: Then I should take my leave. [heads for the door] Good evening, gentlemen, and we shall see you in London next week, Pip. [exits]
Pip: Good-bye, sir.
Joe: [picks Pip up] Pip! [close-up on a grinning Pip] A young gentleman! Of great expectations!
Scene Description: London, a foggy night. Big Ben peals in the background. The camera pans down from the skyline to a horse-drawn carriage, which comes to a stop. Pip and the lawyer get out
Lawyer: You shall stay here with your roommate, Mr. Pocket. He is a distinguished young lad who will help you on your way to being a gentleman. I trust you see no problem with this?
Pip: None, sir.
Lawyer: I should think not. [taps his cane on the ground twice] On up, then, and prepare for school on the morrow.
Pip: Yes, sir. Thank you, sir. [goes to the residence and opens the front door, then enters]
Scene Description: The Dormitory. Pip walks down the hall and finds a door with his name under that of Mr. Pocket. He is about to knock when a boy opens the door
A Boy: Mr. Pip? [it's the same one seen in the fountain earlier]
Pip: Mr. Pocket?
Pocket: Pray, come in! [drags him in.]
Pip: Thank you kindly. You do look rather familiar
Pocket: As do you. Perhaps we've seen each other before. As to our lodging, it's not by any means splendid. This is our sitting room - just chairs and tables and carpet and so forth. [leads Pip to the bedrooms] This is my little room - rather musty, and this is your bedroom. [displays the next room over]
Pip: My, how lovely.
Pocket: Oh, what a gay time we shall have, and I do mean gay as in festive, not as in penetration of the bum. Oh, but dear me! I beg your pardon! You're holding your bags all this time! Pray, let me take them! [takes the bags to Pip's room] I'm quite ashamed!
Pip: Oh it's... quite alright. [remembers] Lord bless me! Why, you're the pale young man I saw at Ms. Havisham's house!
Pocket: Why, yes of course! You're the prowling little boy! Boy, what a smashing coincidence!
Pip: Perhaps, but perhaps not. Ms. Havisham is very generous indeed.
Pocket: That old biddy? Oh, I assure you, I have nothing to do with her anymore. She's absolutely mad!
Pip: Well, what do you mean?
Pocket: Well, don't you know about Ms. Havisham's melancholy past? Dear me, it's quite a story, and should be discussed over dinner. Come! [Pip removes his hat and they walk over to the table at one corner of the sitting room, by the windows. A cooked bird and two glasses wait for them] Right, time for a smashing meal and the story of Ms. Havisham.
Pip: Pocket, may I ask you a favor? I am desperately trying to become a gentleman! For the love of a certain girl. So, will you please tell me if I do something wrong at the table?
Pocket: You'll do fine, dear fellow, just fine. Now on to Ms. Havisham: She was raised by a wealthy father and grew up to be a somewhat of a spoiled brat. [Pip eats his food with his knife] And now I might mention, Pip, that in London it is not the custom to put the knife in the mouth.
Pip: [with knife by lips] Hoh, dear, I'm terribly sorry! [lowers the knife]
Pocket: [joyfully] Not at all, I'm sure. [looks at Pip] Anyway, Ms. Havisham grew up to be a lovely young lady, and soon a man came along, which gets me to the cruel part of the story, merely breaking off, Pip [who has placed his napkin in his glass], to remark that a dinner napkin should never be placed into the tumbler.
Pip: [quickly retracts it] Sorry! Sorry!
Pocket: [joyfully] Not at all, I'm sure. [resumes] So this man pursued Ms. Havisham closely and professed to be devoted to her. She passionately loved him back. The marriage day was fixed, the wedding dress was bought, the wedding guests were all invited, and finally the day came. But not the groom. [Pip farts] And I break from the tale now only to mention that one should never pass gas at the dinner table!
Pip: Oh. Excuse me.
Pocket: Not at all, I'm sure. So the groom never showed. He simply wrote a letter, a letter that Ms. Havisham received 20 minutes before the wedding.
Pip: At half nine, the time when she stopped all the clocks in the house.
Pocket: But afterward she laid waste to the entire house, as you have seen it, and has never since looked upon the light of day. And the story ends, Pip, with me suggesting that one should never pull out the wee wee and check it for scabs whilst at the table.
Pip: Terribly sorry, Pocket.
Pocket: [joyfully] Not at all, I'm sure!
Scene Description: The South Park Classics study. The British Person resumes narrating
Narrator: And so Pip spent the next several months learning how to be a gentleman. He was schooled in several languages. He was taught fencing and marksmanship, and he was shown how to dance and eat box. And after it all, after WEEKS and weeks of intense schooling, Pip was finally a full-fledged gentleman. Proud of himself, Pip decided to pay Ms. Havisham a visit, to thank her for her generosity, and to see if he was indeed, now, good enough for Estella.
Scene Description: The Havisham Estate, exterior, then interior, at the dining room.
Pip: [enters the dining room] Good evening, Ms. Havisham. [she hasn't moved from her spot]
Ms. Havisham: Come closer, Pip. [he doffs his hat and approaches] My, you're quite the gentleman now, aren't you?
Pip: [cheerfully] Thanks to you.
Ms. Havisham: Perhaps. Estella's been off to school as well. [Pip walks to Ms. Havisham's side] She's become quite the lady. Would you like to see a picture of her? [shows him a portrait]
Pip: Oh, my! She is even prettier than before. [she is shown wearing a beautiful pink dress and a makeover]
Ms. Havisham: Ohoh, you love her, don't you, Pip?
Pip: [pensive] I don't know. I mean, I think about her every day.
Ms. Havisham: Do you know what love is, Pip? It is blind devotion, unquestioning self-humiliation, utter submission, trust and belief against yourself and against the whole world, giving up your whole heart and soul to snip it.
Pip: Righto.
Ms. Havisham: Love her, Pip. I developed her into what she is so that she might... be loved.
Pip: Yes, but... where will I find her?
Ms. Havisham: There's a dance at the Palace tomorrow night. Estella will be there. Go and seek her out. And love her. Love her!
Pip: Thank you, Ms. Havisham! For everything! [heads for the door] I'm the happiest boy in the land!
Ms. Havisham: And if she warms to you, love her; she tears your heart into pieces. And as you get older it will tear deeper. [whispers] Lover her.
Scene Description: The South Park Classics study. The British Person resumes narrating
Narrator: Yes. Our young Pip had come a long way. From the apprentice of a blacksmith to a fine young gentleman of great expectations. And now he was to finally see his beloved Estella again at a Grand Ball held by the King of England, Tony Blair. It was here that Pip would finally and formally ask Estella to be his girlfriend. And all would be right with the world.
Scene Description: The Grand Ballroom at the Palace, evening. Tony Blair and wife descend the Grand Staircase as dozens of couples dance before them. The camera then pans across the scene and stops on Estella. Pip comes in from the side
Pip: Hello, Estella.
Estella: Pip. [impressed] My goodness, how you've changed!
Pip: Yes. I've become a gentleman. May I? [signals an invitation to dance]
Estella: I suppose. [a waltz starts and all couples begin to dance.] So how is it that you've learned to dress and dance?
Pip: Well, I was sent to be schooled in London.
Estella: Iiii see, and you no longer live with the blacksmith?
Pip: Oh. I see Joe once in a while. But I don't have much in common with him anymore, now that I'm a gentleman and all.
Estella: Naturally. [overview of the Grand Ballroom]
Pip: [walks off to one side with Estella] It is wonderful to see you again, Estella.
Estella: Is it? Why? [they resume dancing]
Pip: Because I believe I'm in love with you.
Estella: Pip, you must know that I have no heart.
Pip: [confidently] I think you do.
Estella: Oh, I have a heart to be shot or stabbed in, no doubt, and if it cease to beat I should cease to be, but [sighs] you know what I mean. I have no softness there, no sympathy, sentiment.
Pip: I see past that, Estella. I see a little girl who wants to be warm and kind.
Older Boy: [walks up to the kids] Hey, Estella, let's get out of here.
Estella: Alright, Steve. Just one moment. [Steve walks off]
Pip: Who...? Who is that?
Estella: That is Steve. He is seventeen and has a car.
Pip: I see, and you... fancy this Steve fellow?
Estella: I should. He's my boyfriend.
Pip: [scared] Boyfriend??
Estella: What's the matter, Pip?!
Pip: I don't understand! I did everything right! I stopped being a poor commoner! I even blew off my lovin' Joe!
Estella: It's... it's... the way it goes sometimes, Pip. [Steve waits for her off to the side] He's... seventeen and has a car. I'm... I'm... very [pause] I'm [pause] leaving. [walks off with Steve.]
Scene Description: The Havisham Estate, outside, a stormy night. Pip reaches the Havisham estate and enters the front gates. He heads into the house, up the spiral staircase, and into the dining room.
Pip: Ms. Havisham! You have to talk to Estella! She's going out with a- [a surprised look comes over his face]
Ms. Havisham: Well well well, if it isn't Mr. Pip. [Estella and Steve are already there, sitting behind a small table at her side, next to each other, sharing a float between them]
Pip: Ms. Havisham! But um...
Ms. Havisham: Don't they make a handsome couple, Pip? [Steve reaches for Estella's right hand with his left] Look at the way he holds her hand.
Pip: But I don't understand. [doffs his hat] You sent me away to become a gentleman so that I could be with Estella.
Ms. Havisham: Things aren't always as they seem, Pip. [Pip looks defeated] Oh, what's the matter? Did she... break your heart?
Pip: [close-up] ...Well, I suppose that if you set out to break my heart, you did a very good job of it. Because it certainly does hurt.
Ms. Havisham: Yes. Tell me about the pain. [Estella looks distressed] Tell me about the crushing and the prickly things.
Pip: It's... a-as if...[winces] sssomeone has a hold of my heart and isss [winces] squeezing it very tightly.
Ms. Havisham: Yes, and it is somewhat difficult to breathe.
Steve: Hey, wait a second. You mean that this whole thing was just a setup by your mom?
Ms. Havisham: [turns her head to look at Steve] Is your heart broken as well? Tell me all about it.
Pip: But why do you make your daughter hurt people?
Ms. Havisham: Wuh-hy? Well, that's simple. Because I need the tears of broken-hearted men to use in my Genesis device. [Pip looks at her in horror] You see, my foolish child, I'm growing very old. But tonight I will fuse my soul into Estella's once and for all. And then I can go on breaking men's hearts for another generation.
Steve: What the hell??
Ms. Havisham: Estella, prepare yourself for the Genesis platform. [Estella draws away from Steve]
Steve: [holds on to Estella's left arm] Oh no, you don't! You're my girl! And I'm not lettin' you walk out on me! [Ms. Havisham flips opens a panel on the right arm of her chair and presses a red button. A contraption appears and wraps itself around Steve] What the?! [a cathode at the top of the head completes the contraption]
Ms. Havisham: And as for you, Pip, my robot monkeys should take care of you! [presses the button again and robot monkeys descend from the ceiling and clamor around Pip. He is startled and rushes out the door, down the stairs, out the front door, and out the front gates, only to stop and faint outside the gates]
Scene Description: The blacksmith's house, day. A shadow appears at Pip's door and falls on him. He awakens and looks at the source of the shadow
Joe: Pip? Pip, old chap? [appears blurry to Pip.]
Pip: [rises a bit] Joe?
Joe: That's right. You're safe and warm now.
Pocket: [stands next to Joe] Joe found you lying face down in the street, Mr. Pip, You were in such a state. You've been unconscious here for nearly three hours.
Pip: [sits up and says urgently] Ms. Havisham! She has all the men who have had their hearts broken by Estella trapped in her house! [laments] Oh, why would she have wasted all that time sending me to school and making me into a gentleman?
Joe: Well, about that, Pip: There's another person who wants to see you. [the convict Pip had set free earlier returns, but he's nicely dressed now, in three-piece suit and gloves]
Escaped Convict: Allo, Pip. You remember me? [Pip cowers and remembers...]
Escaped Convict: [threatening him back at the graveyard when they first met] I'll rip off your arms and shove 'em up your arse!
Pip: Why, you're the escaped convict I helped a long time ago.
Escaped Convict: Yes. After you helped me I moved to Wales and made somethin' o' myself. If it weren't for you, I'd have never become a millionaire.
Joe: 'E's the one that sent you to London, Pip! 'E's the one who sent you off to be a gentleman!
Pip: You? But why?
Escaped Convict: Because back then you treated me like any other person. You're weren't a snob and you helped me as you would a rich man.
Pip: Oh, dear. All this time I thought it was Ms. Havisham. She totally let me believe it. [Pocket approaches]
Pocket: I tried to tell you, Pip. She's a vengeful, spiteful woman, who wanted nothing more than to see you hurt along with the rest of the male sex.
Pip: Well, I've certainly learned a lot. That being a gentleman doesn't mean learning to dance, or proper table manners. It means being a gentle man. Gentle to everyone.
Pocket: Righto. Pip. Righto.
Pip: And now I suppose there's only one thing left to do.
Joe: What's that, Pip.
Pip: If Ms. Havisham is determined to do this to others, let's go KICK HER ARSE!
Joe: Yeah! [Pocket raises his hands, Joe and the convict pump their fists]
Scene Description: The South Park Classics study. The British Person resumes narrating
Narrator: And now we come to the final act of the Dickens classic tale, in which the stage is set for an epic showdown. Ms. Havisham's robot monkeys prove a formidable foe, but Pip is not about to let Estella's soul be forever consumed by the Genesis device. And now the thrilling conclusion of Great Expectations!
Scene Description: The Havisham Estate, outside, a stormy night. In the dining room Ms. Havisham prepares Estella for the Genesis device
Ms. Havisham: Are you ready, Estella? Are you ready to complete the cycle?
Estella: Yes, Mother. [Ms. Havisham straps herself into her seat, and the main door fly open. In come Joe and Pocket with swords, the Escaped Convict with a pistol, and Pip with a filled bag]
Pip: Not so fast, you ugly ancient bitch.
Estella: Pip? [Ms. Havisham presses the red button once again.and her chair floats forward]
Joe: [wielding his sward] Your manhating days are over, Ms. Havisham!
Ms. Havisham: Quite the contrary, blacksmith. My revenge on the male race is only about to begin.
Pocket: Dear God, Pip, look! [points to a long contraption containing men and boys hanging upside down from their ankles. Bowls wait underneath them to receive their tears.]
Steve: [second from left] Estella, help me! I'm your boyfriend!
Boy: [third from right] So am I.
Man: [left of center] And me.
Man In Middle: We were all Estella's boyfriends at one time or another. Now we're doomed.
Ms. Havisham: Yes. Cry away, males. [returns to her original position] Once your tears have collected into the Genesis device, the fusion of Estella and me will be complete.
Pip: You won't get away with this!
Ms. Havisham: Won't I? [presses the red button, and robot monkeys again descend from the ceiling and come at the guests. Joe and the others use their weapons to fend off the attacks.] Let the transformation begin. [the cables have been activated]
Joe: [disables a robot monkey by slicing its leg off] Pip, she started the device! [the men on the torture device bawl]
Pip: [approaches among the robot monkey corpses] Pocket! Get over there, and do whatever it takes to keep those blokes from crying!
Pocket: Righto, Pip. [they do their tasks]
Ms. Havisham: [activates the device full throttle] It begins.
Pip: [approaches Estella] Come, Estella! You can't want to be part of this.
Estella: It is... what I was raised for. [a robot monkey jumps at the Escaped Convict, and the Escaped Convict shoots at it and kills it off]
Robot Monkey: AAAAAAA!!!
Pocket: Hello, gentlemen. Oh, whatever you do, please do not cry. Havisham's device fuels itself on your tears, I'm afraid.
Man: How are we not to cry. Our hearts have been broken, our lives ruined, and now we are set to die!
Pocket: Yes, but just think about... panda bears! [the hanging males just look at him] Oh, they're so cuddly and sweet, panda bears are. [grabs his own nose] What silly little noses they have!
Man: [third from left] Panda bears make me sad. They're almost extinct.
Pocket: [quickly waves the thought away with both hands] Oh, right, right, let's not think about panda bears, then. Let's think about ...swimming! Oh, what jolly fun swimming is, with a splishy-splash and a hold-your-breath dive. [the males just look at him]
Ms. Havisham: ...Yes...
Escaped Convict: [quickly approaches] Get out of that chair, you old cow! [points a gun at her, and she spits a green fluid into his face. A few moments later he turns away and his face has been eaten away by the fluid, revealing bones and teeth.. He babbles on a bit, then drops down dead.]
Pip: [still before Estella] Estella! Listen to me! You are a wonderful girl, with a kind heart.
Estella: I told you, Pip. I have no heart.
Pip: But you do! And I shall prove it to you once and for all! [reaches into his bag. Joe is still fending off the robot monkeys. Pip pulls out a bunny] Look at this adorable little bunny.
Estella: [flatly] Oh my. 'E's very cute.
Pip: You see that? A heartless person wouldn't care at all about this bunny. They'd just as soon break its neck. [she reaches out to grab it, then breaks its neck with nary a flinch] ...Oh. But look at this bunny. [pulls out another bunny from the bag and presents it to her] There. You see that? You have too big a heart to kill two baby bunnies. [she reaches out to grab it, then breaks its neck. Pip gets worried] ...Right.
Pocket: [still diverting the guys on the rack] Oh what fun it is to collect stamps! Lick the backs, put them into books all neat and tidy with those smashing little pictures and bright colors.
Man: [left of center] My father died in a stamp-collecting accident.
Pocket: Right, let's not talk about stamp-collecting, then. Let's talk about... [thinks a bit]
Man In Middle: Ice-skating!
Pocket: Oh what fun ice-skating is! [moves around as if ice-skating] Who can catch me? Who can catch the ice-skating king? That's me.
Joe: [now covered in robot monkeys] Oy can't figh' 'em off no moh!
Pip: Nine. Nine baby bunnies. A person with a heart could never kill nine baby bunnies. So you do have too big a heart to- [crrrack. Estella has killed another bunny] Ten baby bunnies!
Joe: [still fighting the robot monkeys] ...There's too many of them! [the males on the rack begin to cry]
Pocket: Please, sirs, you must not cry!
Man: [left of center] We can't help it! You're bawlin' us to tears! [lights under the rack flick on one by one, and the sequence leads to a computer, and then to the Genesis device]
Pocket: Philip, it's too late!!
Pip: Twenty-six baby bunnies
Estella: I don't want to. I don't see the point in this.
Pip: What?
Estella: I don't want to kill any more of them.
Pip: There! You see?! You do have a heart!
Estella: You think so? Let me see it [referring to the bunny] Maybe I can kill it.
Pip: [quickly hides the bunny] No no, I'm sure of it. You have a heart! You've bought your own life! Come with me now! [she looks back at him]
Ms. Havisham: Yessss! [electricity crackles and then moves over to Estella's part of the Genesis device. Estella looks up at Ms. Havisham, then stretches her hand out to Pip. Pip takes her hand and quickly takes her away from the device. Ms. Havisham looks over] Noooo! [her chair bursts into flames and she screams horribly, twisting here and there]
Pocket: Ooooo, top smart, Pip! [Ms. Havisham's body quickly turns to ashes]
Joe: You did it, Pip! [the last of the robot monkeys falls away]
Scene Description: The Havisham Estate, outside, a stormy night. Joe, Pip, Pocket, the nine males, and Estella leave the house as flames spread from the dining room to other rooms and onto the yard. The party moves towards the gate, then turns back to watch the burning house
Joe: Well, I guess Old Ms. Havisham won't be takin' any revenge on any more blokes, ey?
Estella: Yes. her poor miserable life is finally over.
Pip: You're released from her now, Estella! Now we can begin our life together!
Estella: Yes! Yes, my small-testicled love! [she and Pip embrace]
Pocket: Oh, I'm so glad everything has worked out. [Pip and Estella break the embrace] Where are all my little bunnies that you borrowed then, Pip?
Scene Description: The South Park Classics study. The British Person finishes narrating
Narrator: And they all lived happily ever after. Except for Pocket, who died of hepatitis B. [closes the book and rests it on his laps] So ends Charles Dickens' Great Expectations. We hope you now have a deeper appreciation for Pip, and indeed, [holds up the book] all masterpieces of literature like this one. [rests it again] Until next time, I'm a British person. Good night.