Scene Description: South Park Mall, dawn. One red car is seen on the parking lot.
Scene Description: EV Games. Advertisements for the upcoming Nintendo Wii are plastered all over the windows. Cartman paces the floor in front of the store
Cartman: [under his breath] Come ohhhn! Come ohhhn! Oh, for the love of God, how much longer?! [his mom arrives]
Liane: There you are, Eric. What are you doing here?
Cartman: I'm waiting for the new Nintendo Wii to come out.
Liane: When does it come out?
Cartman: Three weeks. Come ohhhn! C-Come ohhhn!
Liane: [takes him by the hand] It's time for school.
Cartman: [yanks his hand away and runs back to the store] No Mom, you don't understand! I've been waiting for this thing to come out for months. And now, every day time is slowing down. It's like... waiting for Christmas... times a thousand.
Liane: Eric, you're just going to have to be patient. [pulls him away again]
Cartman: Noo!! Nooo!!
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Mrs. Garrison's voice is heard
Mrs. Garrison: Principal Victoria, it is wrong! [she's at the principal's office, her back to the principal's desk.] It is wrong and I simply will not do it! [walks back to the desk] I care about my students, and I will not fill their heads with lies! [pounds the desk for emphasis] I am NOT teaching evolution in my class!! [Mr. Mackey is also present]
Principal Victoria: Mrs. Garrison, evolution is in the school curriculum. We have to teach it.
Mrs. Garrison: Evolution is a theory! A hare-brained theory that says I'm a monkey! I am not a monkey!! I'm a woman!
Mr. Mackey: M, m'kay. Ya-you realize evolution has been pretty much uhhh... proven.
Mrs. Garrison: I warn you, Principal Victoria! Those students are not prepared to hear this stuff!
Principal Victoria: Our students want to learn, Mrs. Garrison, and they're mature enough to handle anything.
Scene Description: Mrs. Garrison's classroom, later. The kids are chatting and moving about the classroom. Cartman is blabbering incoherently
Cartman: How long until Nintendo Wii comes out now?!
Stan: It's still three weeks.
Cartman: Oh God... [shivers like someone in withdrawal] Okay, how long now?
Kyle: Will you shut up already?! [Mrs. Garrison enters and isn't too happy about her lesson]
Mrs. Garrison: All right kids, it is now my job to teach you the theory of evolution.
Butters: Oh boy!
Mrs. Garrison: Now I, for one, think evolution is a bunch of BULL CRAP. [nobody says anything] But I've been told I have to teach it anyway. It was thought up by Charles Darwin and it goes something like this: [goes up to a large poster of evolution and begins pointing things out with her pointer.] In the beginning we were all fish. Okay? Swimming around in the water. And then one day a couple of fish had a retard baby, and the retard baby was different, so it got to live. So Retard Fish goes on to make more retard babies, and then one day, a retard baby fish crawled out of the ocean with its [waves his left hand limply] mutant fish hands... and it had butt sex with a squirrel or something and made this. [points to a rodent] retard frog squirrel, and then that had a retard baby which was a... monkey fish-frog... And then this monkey fish-frog had butt sex with that monkey, and... that monkey had a mutant retard baby that screwed another monkey and... that made you! [faces the class. A new girl is seated in the front row, looking around] So there you go! You're the retarded offspring of five monkeys having butt sex with a fish-squirrel! Congratulations!
Cartman: [hopping out of his chair and running out] HEHHH! I can't take it anymore! HAAAAAH!
Mrs. Garrison: Yeah? You see? I knew that would happen.
Scene Description: EV Games, next time. Cartman again paces the floor in front of the store.
Cartman: Come ohhhn! C-Come ohhhn! [a store clerk notices and walks over]
Clerk: Look, kid, for the fortieth time, pacing in front of the store isn't gonna make the Wii come any faster. [he goes back inside, and Liane walks up]
Liane: Eric, you're coming home right now!
Cartman: Can't I just stay and... look at the sign a little longer?
Liane: It's almost bedtime. If you sleep then time'll go by faster.
Scene Description: Cartman's room, night. He's sprawled out on his bed in his pajamas, his eyes open. He can't sleep, tossing and turning every few seconds. He looks at his clock: 2:15.
Cartman: Oh God!
Scene Description: He throws himself back on the bed and squeezes his eyes shut. He peeks at the clock, then squeezes his eyes shut again, turns over... Moments later he's on his pillow, his left leg dangling over the foot of the bed. Next, he's on his belly, looking over the foot of the bed. Next, he's tossing and turning, and sees the time now: 2:16. He gets up and walks to the wall calendar, where he has Nov. 19 marked - a Sunday, the day the Wii comes out. Halloween is marked off, so it's now less than three weeks. He logs onto the Internet and fires up his browser - he gets an ad for the Wii, coming in three weeks. He's now downstairs watching early-morning TV. He paces in front of the TV, then heads for the fridge. Finding nothing to eat, he goes back upstairs and looks at the clock in his room: 2:18. He throws down the clock and throws a fit
Cartman: Agh! That does it!! I am not waiting three weeks!!
Scene Description: The bus stop, later in the morning. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny are waiting for the bus.
Cartman: You guys! You guys! You guys, you gotta help me.
Stan: Dude you don't look so good, Cartman.
Cartman: I can't take it anymore, you guys. The wait for Nintendo Wii is literally killing me.
Kyle: Well there's nothing you can do, so you just have to be patient.
Cartman: [assertively] No. There is something I can do.
Kenny: (What?)
Cartman: All right, listen: you know how in space movies they put astronauts in suspender animation so that their trip seems really short, right? [turns around] I think I figured out how to do it.
Stan: Do what?
Cartman: Freeze myself. If I freeze myself, then in three weeks, when Nintendo Wii comes out, you guys can unfreeze me. The wait will seem instantaneous to me.
Kyle: No.
Cartman: It's simple science, Kyle.
Kyle: You'll die, retard!
Cartman: I'll die waiting for the Wii to come out!! Don't you see this is my only chance!!
Stan: Dude, no way.
Kyle: Yeah, I hate you, but I'm not going to help kill you.
Cartman: I thought you were my friends! I guess I was wrong! After everything we've been through together, you guys won't even help me freeze myself! [walks away in a huff]
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The new girl, her parents, and Mrs. Garrison are in the principal's office.
Father: Principal Victoria, we are a devout Catholic family! Do you mind telling me why my daughter now thinks she's a retarded fish-frog?!
Mrs. Garrsion: I told you this would happen, didn't I?!
Principal Victoria: Mr. Triscotti, I wasn't aware that-
Mr. Triscotti: We have worked years to instill the teachings of Jesus Christ into our daughter, and in one fell swoop, you try to destroy everything we did!
Mrs. Garrsion: I hear ya.
Principal Victoria: Sir, if you don't wish your daughter to learn about evolution, then we can pull her out of class.
Mr. Triscotti: You most certainly will!
Daughter: But Dad, I want to learn everything.
Mr. Triscotti: No you don't! Shut up! [takes his daughter and leaves the room]
Mrs. Garrsion: Well, I told you. We should leave evolution out of the classrooms.
Principal Victoria: It has become obvious to me that you don't know enough about evolution to teach it! I'm having you replaced! Mr. Dawkins! [Mr. Dawkins enters the office]
Mrs. Garrsion: Re-replaced??
Principal Victoria: Richard Dawkins is a world-renowned evolutionary scientist.
Mr. Dawkins: [courteously] Charmed to meet you. Ms...
Mrs. Garrsion: Shut up, faggot! Principal Victoria, I can teach my own class!
Principal Victoria: You are to sit in class and help Mr. Dawkins with whatever he needs!
Scene Description: Mrs. Garrison's classroom. Richard Dawkins is the guest teacher now. He takes some chalk and .
Mr. Dawkins: Over billions of years life has evolved from simple one-celled organisms into all the complex life we see around us. [although all the kids have pencil and paper out ready to take notes, only Kyle is actually writing anything as Dawkins lectures. Mr. Dawkins himself delivers his lecture in a scholarly voice.]
Mrs. Garrison: Whatever.
Mr. Dawkins: [glances over, then continues] It was changes in hereditary traits that allowed the first mammals to breath in the air.
Mrs. Garrison: [relating Dawkin's points to his own] Retarded fish-frogs.
Mr. Dawkins: [a bit shocked] Ms. Garrison, I believe that's a gross over-simplification.
Mrs. Garrison: Well, you're a faggot! [the look of shock returns to Dawkins.] Continue.
Mr. Dawkins: You see, children, life has the amazing ability to change, to adapt. Like changing us to the point that we walk upright.
Mrs. Garrison: So you are saying that we're all related to monkeys.
Mr. Dawkins: [puts the chalk in the holder below the blackboard] Well yes, basically, we are.
Mrs. Garrison: Do you see monkeys at the zoo?! They crap in their hands and throw it at people!
Mr. Dawkins: Ms. Garrison, this isn't theory, it is scientific fact!
Mrs. Garrison: What about the fact that if I believe in this crap, you're gonna go to hell?! Doesn't that bother you a little?
Mr. Dawkins: Actually, no. Because I'm an atheist.
Mrs. Garrison: [rises and walks up to him] AHA! I've got you, you snake in the grass!! I found you out!!
Mr. Dawkins: I never covered it up.
Mrs. Garrison: And if I'm a monkey, then I might as well act like a monkey, huh?! [begins to dance around like a monkey, hooting and hollering. He lowers his pants and poops into his left hand.]
Mr. Dawkins: What on earth are you doing?? [now Butters is the one taking notes]
Mrs. Garrison: Don't ask me, I'm a fuckin' monkey!! [throws the log of feces at Dawkins and gets him on his forehead and on the left side of his sweater]
Mr. Dawkins: AAAH!
Scene Description: The principal's office, once again.
Mrs. Garrison: Principal Victoria, I was simply trying to make a point to Mr. Dawkins about the incongruity of some scientific statements.
Principal Victoria: Mrs. Garrison, I am pulling you out of the classroom.
Mrs. Garrison: What??
Mr. Dawkins: Principal Victoria, I really don't think that's necessary. This woman is very opinionated but, she does care about her students.
Principal Victoria: Very well. But there is to be no more throwing of feces. Understood??
Scene Description: Waiting area outside the office. Garrison and Dawkins walk in
Mr. Dawkins: Ms. Garrison. Ms. Garrison, could I have a word with you, please?
Mrs. Garrison: What?!
Mr. Dawkins: Look, I know you think we're at war, but I want you to know I admire your passion.
Mrs. Garrison: [softens immediately] You d-you do?
Mr. Dawkins: I've never met a woman with so much... fire
Mrs. Garrison: Well I... [begins preening] I do bring down a woman's wrath now and again. [slight giggle]
Mr. Dawkins: So much boldness in a woman. So beautiful. [snaps out of it] I'm sorry, I'm sure you have a husband, but I-
Mrs. Garrison: No! N-no! My, my husband is g-gone, dead.
Mr. Dawkins: Would you then... consider having dinner with me tonight?
Mrs. Garrison: Well, [preens again] well, I suppose we could have a little steak or something. [Dawkins smiles, Garrison smiles back]
Scene Description: The hallway. Kids are milling around. Around the corner comes Mrs. Garrison, jumping joyfully
Mrs. Garrison: I've got a date! I've got a date! My first real date with a real man since my sex-change operation! [skips away, towards the front doors] Oh boy, what'll I wear?! [opens the doors and skips out] Hey everybody!
Scene Description: Cartman's house, day, kitchen. Humming, Liane enters the kitchen with groceries and snacks, including doughnuts. She sets them down on the counter, takes an ice cream and heads for the freezer. She opens the freezer door
Cartman: [in the freezer] Ey!
Liane: [jumps back in surprise, dropping the ice cream] Whoa!
Cartman: Close the door, I'm trying to freeze!
Liane: Eric, get out of there. [tries to pull him out, but he kicks her hand away]
Cartman: [resisting all of Liane's efforts] No! No, it's too soon!
Liane: [pulls him out of the freezer] Now Eric, this has gone far enough! [sets him down and goes down on a bended knee] You need to learn to be patient!
Scene Description: A door opens and Butters appears. Before him is Cartman, dressed in heavy jacket. Cartman has some equipment on his back and an ice pick in his right hand.
Cartman: Butters, get your coat. We gotta go.
Butters: Go where?
Cartman: You're gonna help me freeze myself.
Butters: [looks at Cartman a while, then] Okay. [walks away to get his coat, smiling]
Scene Description: The Rockies, far from town. Two small figures walk forward in the snow. The camera gets progressively closer, and the figures turn out to be Cartman and Butters
Butters: Well, how come we've gotta come all the way out here?
Cartman: [stops and begins digging ] Butters, if anyone else comes upon my frozen body, they'll try to unfreeze me right away. [finishes digging a hole, tosses the ice pick away, and prepares to step down into it] I have to be hidden. [removes his jacket and gives it to Butters] That's good. [begins to gather the snow around him and then faces Butters, who's shocked at this turn of events] And no matter what happens, Butters, you are not to unfreeze me until the day the Nintendo Wii comes out. Do you got it?!
Butters: Eric, are you sure this is a good idea?
Cartman: No, it's not a good idea. It's an awesome idea
Butters: [not so sure, casts his eyes down] Yeah...I guess it is...
Cartman: All right, you got the spot figured out? You're not gonna lose where I am, right?
Butters: I got it. [looks around] Big Tree. Oval Rock.
Cartman: All right, now get out of here. You can't freeze too, or else we're both screwed. [Butters looks at Cartman once more, then leaves. Butters turns to look at Cartman again] Get out of here, you asshole! You're gonna ruin everything!
Butters: Oh jeez! [turns around and walks away quickly]
Cartman: [all alone now] Yes. Come on. Freeeze. Freeeze.
Scene Description: Buca di Faggoncini, evening. Mr. Dawkins and Mrs. Garrison are having dinner there.
Mrs. Garrison: So I told my gynecologist, "you put so many things in my vagina, maybe I should charge you!" [they both laugh at the story.]
Mr. Dawkins: Oh, Ms. Garrison, you are the most outspoken woman I have ever met! It's almost like you're one of the guys.
Mrs. Garrison: Hehyeah, almost.
Mr. Dawkins: You have so much spunk, so much life... If only you were an atheist.
Mrs. Garrison: Well... Well, you know, I'm... I'm open to stuff.
Mr. Dawkins: Why is someone as outspoken as you given themselves over to the whole God thing?
Mrs. Garrison: Oh I'm not... I'm not totally into the whole God thing. I just... I just think, you know, you can't disprove God.
Mr. Dawkins: Well what if I told you there was a flying spaghetti monster: Would you believe it simply because it can't be disproven?
Mrs. Garrison: [Thinks a moment] You're riiight. It's so simple! God is a spaghetti monster. Oh thank you, jeez! My eyes are opened! [stands up] Hey everyone, I'm an atheist!
Mr. Dawkins: Really?? Oh that's wonderful!
Mrs. Garrison: No, I totally get it now! Evolution explains everything! There is no great mystery to life, just evolution and God's a spaghetti monster! Thank you, Richard!
Mr. Dawkins: You're so welcome!
Mrs. Garrison: Would you like tuh... [preens again] head over to my place for dessert?
Scene Description: Mrs. Garrison's bedroom, night. Mr. Dawkins is giving it to Mrs. Garrison doggy style, hard. Both moan and make other sexual noises.
Mrs. Garrison: Oh yeah! Yeah, I'm a monkey! Give this monkey what she wants!
Mr. Dawkins: Oh Ms. Garrison!
Mrs. Garrison: Yeah, pound my monkey hole, Richard! Yeah, I'm a monkey all right!
Scene Description: In the Rockies, Cartman slowly freezes. The camera closes in
Cartman: Nin-ten-do. I'm coming. I'm coming, Nin-ten-do.
Scene Description: his hearbeat stops as he expels one last puff of air. The camera pulls back as wolves howl in the night. Night turns to day. Cartman's face has turned blue. An avalanche knocks down the tree and covers up the oval rock Butters is supposed to check for when he returns. It also buries Cartman, who is in pajamas. A time-travel sequence begins, which takes him forward in time to the year 2546. There, the block of ice that contains him is picked up and thawed. Three curved surfaces come together to form an egg around Cartman, and the egg is moved to a bed. The three pieces fall apart and disappear. Three items appear - an electronic eye, a small pump, and a vibrator.
Medic: We have a pulse. [Cartman comes to, coughs, and sits up. The aliens gather around]
Alien 1: Can you... understand me?
Cartman: Where am I?
Shvek: My name is Shvek. You are safe.
Cartman: Safe where, butthole?!
Shvek: My friend, this is going to be a bit of a shock, but... it is the year 2546.
Cartman: [looks around] What??
Shvek: You have been frozen in ice for over 500 years. [Cartman jumps off the bed and runs to the nearest window, where he sees a city unlike any he's seen before.]
Cartman: Butters? Butters, you black asshole?! [suddenly looks tired.]
Medic: Please be careful. You are frail.
Cartman: Is the Wii out? Where's the Wii?
Analyst: [brings up a holoscreen and presses a few buttons on it. A picture of the Wii appears] Ahh, Nintendo Wii. A primitive gaming device used in his time.
Cartman: Primitive? It has motion-control controllers, asswipe!
Medic: Young man, you don't seem to understand. [goes down on one knee] Your family, your friends, everyone you knew, has been dead for over 500 years.
Cartman: I don't care! Is there a Nintendo Wii!
Shvek: We don't play videogames in our time. There's no such thing as a Nintendo Wii.
Cartman: No... [looks up at the ceiling and] NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, next day. Mr. Dawkins is back teaching about evolution. Mrs. Garrison looks quite enamored
Mr. Dawkins: You must understand, children, that we are dealing with VERY large numbers here.
Mrs. Garrison: [thinking] That's my man.
Mr. Dawkins: So, evolution doesn't even happen by chance. It is, in fact, bound to happen.
Mrs. Garrison: That's right, kids. And so you see, there is no God.
Mr. Dawkins: Careful darling. The school board doesn't like it when we-
Stan: Well there could still be a god.
Mrs. Garrison: What?!
Stan: Couldn't evolution be the answer to how and not the answer to why?
Mrs. Garrison: [brings out a triangle and starts ringing it] Uh oh, retard alert! Retard alert, class! [leaves her desk and walks up to Stan's] Do you believe in a flying spaghetti monster too, bubblehead?!
Stan: I wasn't talking about spaghetti. [Mrs. Garrison picks him up, desk and all, and carries him to the front of the class.]
Mrs. Garrison: Come on, you. You're gonna have to sit in the dunce chair! [sets him down next to the blackboard, goes for a dunce cap, and places it on Stan's head. The cap reads "I HAVE FAITH"]
Scene Description: Mrs. Garrison's house, night. She and Mr. Dawkins are in bed. She runs her fingers through Mr. Dawkin's chest hair.
Mr. Dawkins: Ms. Garrison, I'm not so sure what you did in class today was right.
Mrs. Garrison: What?? But Dick, you told me the world would be a better place without religion.
Mr. Dawkins: Yes, but to be so bold about it... [looks away] I've just never seen a woman with such... balls.
Mrs. Garrison: [gets up and sits on Mr. Dawkins with the blanket over her chest] You've just been too soft on religious people in the past. Think about it, Richard. With your intellect and my balls, we can change the future of the world.
Mr. Dawkins: Can you imagine a world with no religion? No Muslims killing Jews, no Christians bombing abortion clinics. The world would be a wonderful place... without God.
Mrs. Garrison: You're the smartest man on earth, Dick. With me by your side, there's no stopping you.
Mr. Dawkins: Oh, just let me see those beautiful breasts again.
Mrs. Garrison: Oh, all right. [lowers the blanket and the breasts appear. The implants... are not balanced. The left nipple is huge and lower compared to the right one, and the stitches are still visible.]
Mr. Dawkins: Oh yeah, baby! Oh-hm. [begins to shake his head between the breasts, which has the effect of a motorboat's engine revving up.]
Mrs. Garrison: OHOH YEAH!! AHHH!! [Mr. Dawkins revs up again]
Scene Description: Butters' house, day. He and Dougie play in the backyard as Professor Chaos and General Disarray. Toy action figures and various toy vehicles litter the yard
Butters: Quick, General Disarray! Kill those superheroes!
Dougie: [fires at the action figures] Pehpew Pehpew! [walks over and kicks them down]
Butters: Yes! Now the world shall feel the wrath of Professor Chaos! Hahaha!
Linda: Butters? [she appears at the sliding door entrance with two policemen behind her] Butters, you haven't seen Eric Cartman in the past few days, have you?
Butters: [a bit afraid, slowly] Who, me?
Linda: It's very important, Butters. He's missing. You haven't seen or heard from him?
Butters: [looks right, then left, trying to figure out what to say...] No ma'am.
Linda: Okay. [closes the sliding door and walks away with the officers]
Dougie: Come on, Professor Chaos! Let's destroy this anthill! [Butters turns and joins him]
Butters: Geh-General Disarray, can I ask you a scientific question?
Dougie: Okay.
Butters: Well, um, can... Can anything bad happen if you completely freeze yourself and then unfreeze yourself three weeks later?
Dougie: [long pause] ...Yeah.
Butters: Well, like what?
Dougie: ...Like, you die.
Butters: ...Die??
Dougie: Well yeah. If you freeze your body, it means you die. When you wake up three weeks later you can be unfrozen, but you're still dead.
Butters: Oh hamburgers!! [runs away]
Scene Description: the Rockies. Butters and Dougie reach the spot where Cartman is frozen. Butters calls out to Cartman
Butters: Eric! Eric!
Dougie: You just left him here?! Without a jacket or anything?!
Butters: He told me to!
Dougie: He's dead for sure.
Butters: Wait! [looks around.] It's all different. Nothing's in the same place!
Dougie: Oh my God...
Butters: [begins to dig frantically through the snow] Uh, eh, Eric! Eric!
Dougie: [trying to stop him] Butters ButterButterBUTTERS! [Butters stops and looks at him] We have to get out of here!
Butters: What??
Dougie: Nobody is ever going to find his body. You've got to never say anything about this, do you understand?! He's dead, and if they know you had a hand in it, you'll go to jail! [runs off]
Butters: But I just did what he told me!
Dougie: Come on, we have to leave!!
Butters: Oh, jumping Jesus! [follows Dougie. They head back to town]
Scene Description: Back to the future. Cartman sits at a desk
Cartman: This is terrible. Five hundred years in the future. [puts his head in his hands and starts to weep. A door slides open and three of the aliens enter the room]
Shvek: Eric, I have good news for you. We may have found you a Nintendo Wii.
Cartman: What?? [hops onto the desk] Really?? [jumps down and exults] YES!! YES!!
Medic: It's rumored that there's one at the Museum of Technology at New New Hampshire.
Cartman: So I'm not too late! Come on, let's go!
Shvek: Well, there's just... th-there's something we need from you first.
Scene Description: A meeting room. The three future humans talk to Cartman there
Shvek: You see, my young friend, you were unfrozen for a reason.
Medic: Lots of people froze themselves in cryogenic labs and we don't unfreeze them. But you... are special.
Cartman: I know I'm special. This isn't news to me.
Shvek: You lived in a time when a great event happened. A glorious event that finally made all religion obsolete. Now, the entire world is atheist.
Cartman: [strokes his chin and thinks] And this gives me a Nintendo Wii how?
Medic: We believe that somebody you knew in your time was the person who first started our wonderful group: The Unified Atheist League.
Cartman: Who? [the medic is about to reply when something shakes the building they're in]
Shvek: What in Science's name was that?! [outside, an enemy ship first at the building and leaves a hole in it. The ship docks at that hole and the invaders pour into a cargo room. The UAL members and Cartman enter the cargo room at the other end.]
Medic: Oh no! It's the United Atheist Alliance!
Shvek: Oh Science, help us! [a laser battle between the two groups begins]
UAA member 1: [yellow hair, green suit] Science damn you, Unified Atheist League!
Cartman: Who are they??
Shvek: The Alliance Atheists. We're at war with them. [the battle rages on, with laser shots going back and forth. The laser shots turn out to be syringes which inject the victim with poison. Once the load is fully inside the body, the head explodes. Men on both sides explode and die.]
UAL Member 1: [a syringe gets him] No! [his head explodes]
Cartman: Jesus Christ!
Shvek: Hahahaha, you believe in a supernatural being. [gets a syringe to the neck] Oh my Science. [his head explodes and the battle is over. The UAA closes in on Cartman, its guns drawn]
Cartman: I'm just a little boy from the past who wants to play Nintendo Wii.
Scene Description: The UAA ship's bridge. Cartman enters with UAA members escorting him.
UAA member 1: Put me through to the Allied Atheist Allegiance!
UAA member 2: [black hair] Onscreen.
UAA member 1: Look, Allied Atheist Allegiance! We have the time child!
AAA leader: Science damn you, United Atheist Alliance!
UAA member 1: Now you see, foolish sea otters, that we are the atheists in control!
AAA leader: It won't make a difference! This is the dawning of the sea otter! Know this, time child! I shall smash your skull like a clam on my tummy!
Cartman: What??
AAA leader: Otters! The time has come! Sound the nafferty!
Sea otters: The nafferty! [a giant otter walks over to a very fanciful horn and blows into it.]
AAA leader: [rises on a platform and turns around. A lens drops down from a contraption he has to his left ear and lands on his nose] So, it begins!


Scene Description: This episode begins with an expanded montage of last week's time-lapse imagery. First you see the town, the mall, and a house. Next, Cartman and the Wii at EV Games. Next, scenes from his night of insomnia, including him checking his calendar and the Wii's Web page, then watching TV. Then, Eric is shown begging his friends to help him freeze himself. Then, a collage of Eric hiding in the freezer, talking to Butters, and walking to the designated spot with him. Then, scenes of the avalanche and Eric getting frozen. Then the years begin to roll, and scenes of humanity's future appear. They are: the scene of the avalanche, a scene of devastation, the room where Cartman is taken to be thawed, his meeting with the high UAL command, the UAL building being attacked, a shot of Earth from space, the UAA storming in to fight the UAL, the battle between the two factions, the UAA closing in on Cartman, the voyage away from the UAL building, across a desert; the onscreen communication with the AAA, a shot of Earth's future, a sea otter blowing into the nafferty, and the final shot of two ships leading the camera to the city the UAL is based at
Narrator: The year is 2006, and young Eric Cartman cannot wait for the new Nintendo Wii to come out. Unable to cope with the wait any longer, Eric decides to freeze himself for three weeks. But a freak avalanche makes Eric impossible to find, and so he remains frozen for 500 years.
Scene Description: The next scenes all involve Cartman playing a part in the future. The background is the UAL's city. First he's dressed in a blue military outfit. Next, he's running with a robot dog, then firing off a laser gun, then of him and the bog in a vehicle. The background changes to the UAA's ship. Cartman is walking with the UAA members. The AAA is shown firing at them. Cartman and the UAA now sport helmets and go forth. The background changes to the AAA's city. The AAA has captured Cartman. Cartman plays chess with a sea otter. Cartman enjoys flying around upside down in a room of UAL members doing the same thing. Cartman is then shown in a different blue suit, and finally, a fleet of shuttlecraft fly to a new city. At this new city, ostriches are seen walking around, with otters riding them. The city is either in ruins or shabbily built
Otter Leader: Whoa, steady! [motions to the otters] This way, otters! [other otters move forward on their ostriches]
Otter 1: This is it. New New Hampshire. We have risked much bringing you here, Time Child. [the camera pans left to show Cartman on an ostrich and wearing goggles.]
Cartman: Can it. You otters may have evolved to the point you can talk, but I don't need lectures.
Otter 1: Don't let the time child out of your sight. He could try to run.
Cartman: [goggles now above his eyes] We have a deal, Blavius. As long as I get what I want, you have nothin' to worry about. [the leader's ostrich makes a noise]
Otter Leader: Something is spooking the ostriches.
Cartman: Sure. This is Monarch land now. Probably Jarvis probes everywhere.
Otter Leader: Here it is! We have arrived.
Blavius: [Sea Otter 1] Hold! [the ostriches stop at a large entrance] This is it, Time Child. [the building's name is shown: New New Hampshire Museum of Technology] The old museum of technology, abandoned long ago. Let's get what you want, Time Child, and get out of here.
Scene Description: The otters escort Cartman to the Museum of the Past. Cartman looks around and finally spots the Wii.
Cartman: Over here! [runs over to it] Yeah it's here! It's here! The Nintendo Wii... I've waited so long for this. [shatters the glass case protecting it and removes it]
Blavius: All right, Time Child, we've filled our side of the bargain. Now return with us to Otter Bay.
Cartman: Sorry Blavius. I've got other plans. [switches hands in holding the Wii, presses a button on his left glove and disappears]
Blavius: NOOOO!
Otter Leader: It was a trick!
Blavius: SCIENCE DAMN YOU, TIME CHILD!
Scene Description: UAA transporter room. As various UAA members wait, Cartman appears on the transporter pad
Cartman: I got it! I got the Wii!
UAA Leader: Time Child! You've returned!
UAA 1: We thought for sure you had died in the in the Phobart plant.
Cartman: [turns and leaves the transporter pad] Yeah. Lucky for me the otters believed I was on their side. [turns around as he reaches the door] Do me a favor: next time I'm in a recessed biocave, don't send me a level 2 homing call. [the door opens and Cartman walks into the hallway outside the room. The leader and his assistant look at each other]
UAA Leader: TC, wait!
Cartman: [ruonds a corner] Oh I can't wait! This is gonna be so awesome! [almost walks into another UAA member] Get out of my way!
UAA Leader: [catches up with Cartman] You gained the otters' trust?! Were you wearing an information crystal?!
Cartman: Here. [takes off the information crystal and hands it to him]
UAA 1: Science be praised. This could end the war!
UAA Leader: You've done a great thing, TC. [Cartman turns right...] How can we repay you?
Cartman: [...and enters an elevator] Just send a maintenance guy to my room. I want this Nintendo hooked up to my float screen NOW! [the doors close]
Scene Description: Cartman's room. A maintenance guy is trying to figure out how to connect the Wii to the screen.
Cartman: Come on! Come on! Dude, what is taking so long! I wanna play!
Maintenance Guy: Uhh, what kind of output does this have? This is some ancient Super-VHS output or somethin'. I can't connect it to your float screen.
Cartman: There's gotta be some way to hook it up! It's the freakin' future!
Maintenance Guy: It may be the future for you, but I can't hook up anything to a float screen without at least a laser-7 output.
Cartman: You've gotta be shittin' me!! Science-dammit! I am so fucking sick of the future! [starts throwing a tantrum, throwing things around]
UAA Woman: [entering the room] TC? What's wrong?
Cartman: I'll tell you what's wrong! I've been waiting 500 years to play the Nintendo Wii! And if I don't get to play real soon, I'm gonna bust a nut!
UAA Woman: Well, we're all glad you're back. I know somebody who's missed you very much. Come on in, K-10. [steps aside to reveal K-10, who walks in]
K-10: Bark bark. Hello, Eric. I have missed you.
Cartman: Suck my balls, K-10. I'm not in the mood.
Scene Description: A United Atheist Alliance meeting.
UAA Leader: Fellow atheists: the time child has returned with information on our sworn enemies, the Allied Atheist Alliance. They have started digging for clams in sector J7. If we mount an all-out attack, we can wipe out their food supply!
UAA 2: But, those are civilian otters.
UAA Leader: We cannot tolerate the otters! Their Science is flawed! Their answer to the Great Question is different from ours.
UAA 3: Yes, but... sending out all our ships at the same time... it would leave our city exposed!
UAA Leader: ...That's why we have to be super-duper sure that nobody finds out we're doing it.
Scene Description: Unified Atheist League headquarters. The UAL elders gather to discuss the situation
UAL 1: [hanging upside down from a jet-powered platform] The United Atheist Alliance is about to send out all its defense ships to take down the Allied Atheist Alliance's clam fields.
UAL 2: Praise Science. This is your chance, young Shvek, to avenge your father's death.
UAL 3: Careful, son. Just because their Science leads them to a different answer to the Great Question doesn't mean we have the right to kill them all.
Shvek: No! Our answer to the Great Question is the only logical one. Our Science is great. [walks away from the table and stands before a wall] Let us not forget the great Richard Dawkins who finally freed the world of religion long ago. [a painting is shown, with Dawkins in it] Dawkins knew that logic and reason were the way of the future. [More of the painting is shown: Mrs. Garrison appears] But it wasn't until he met his beautiful wife that he learned using logic and reason isn't enough. You have to be a dick to everyone who doesn't think like you. [turns around] Prepare all the troops! We will level the United Atheist Alliance to the ground!
Scene Description: Cartman's room at UAA headquarters. Cartman watches TV on his float screen, K-10 standing nearby. A commercial comes on
Announcer: With new Glade monvert cleaner, you can make your monvert sparkle like never before.
Woman: My monvert's never looked so clean. [apparently, a monvert is a phallic device]
Cartman: God I hate future TV. There's too many commercials! [switches channels. A picture appears briefly in which a reporter is about to mention an attack, but that vanishes. Three bored kids appear seated at a coffee table]
Boy 1: Agh! I'm so bored.
Boy 2: There's nothing to do.
Cartman: Tell me about it.
Boy 3: Hey, I know! Let's crank call people in the past!
Boy 1: Huh?
Boy 3: I just got... [brings out a big box] the Crank Prank Time Phone! [the other two boys marvel at it]
Singers: Crank Prank, Crank Prank Time Phone.
Announcer: New, from Blasbro, it's Crank Prank Time Phone!
Boy Announcer: I just dial a random number on the keypad, enter a date and year on the debilibrator, and...
Boy 1: Wow! Someone from the past is on the line! [talks into the phone] Hello? Is there a refrigerator running? Well then, you'd better go catch it! [the boys have a good laugh]
Singers: Crank Prank, Crank Prank Time Phone.
Cartman: [now interested] What?
Boy 2: Uh hi. It's the year 1973, right? Could I speak to Al Coholic, please? [the boys laugh again]
Announcer: Crank Prank Time Phone comes with debilibrator [looks like a space-age microphone], antimatter fusion cone, and 30 plain HF watt triggers. Warning: Crank Prank Time Phone is for entertainment purposes only. Making anything OTHER than crank calls to the past could affect the present and end your existence. Crank Prank Time Phone is not intended for the use by otters.
Cartman: Why didn't anyone tell me there was a time phone?!
K-10: Why does it matter? Bark bark
Cartman: Don't you see?? If I get one of those phones, I can call myself in the past and tell me not to freeze myself. [walks forward a few steps] Then I can go back into my time... and play Nintendo Wii.
K-10: Bark bark. That call is for crank calling only. Using it in the way you describe is illegal.
Cartman: I care! Where's the closest toy store??
K-10: Working, bark bark. The Jarvanian shopping complex. But it is not open yet.
Scene Description: Zeebod's Toys, some time later. K-10 stands by as Cartman paces the ground in front of the store, just as he did in the past waiting for the Wii
Cartman: Come on! Come on!
Voice: Store is now... open. [the storefront lights up like a Christmas tree and the doors open] Welcome
Cartman: Ugh, finally!
Clerk: Welcome to Zeebod's Toys
Cartman: I want one of those time-phone things.
Clerk: Ahh, the Crank Prank Time Phone. Sure. Now, I am required by the state to make sure you know this is for prank-calling the past ONLY, right?
Cartman: Yeah yeah, I'm only gonna prank-call people.
Clerk: [pulls up a small float screen and calculates the cost on it] All right, that'll be 6000 credits. [a second float screen pops up with the price on it]
Cartman: Six thousand credits?! What do I look like to you? A Thurilian miner?!
Clerk: This is a pretty advanced piece of equipment. It's expensive.
Cartman: Look, I have to have one of those phones!
Clerk: Oh, all right, then I have to have 6000 credits. [Eric sighs and looks down]
K-10: Bark bark, I'm sorry, Eric, bark bark.
Cartman: How about a robot? How much for the robot?
K-10: Awww.
Clerk: [puts the phone away] Sorry, kid, you're just gonna have to crank-call people in the present.
Cartman: [turns around and walks away. K-10 follows] Science-dammit! [stops] Wait. K-10, can you access the store's sales records?
K-10: Working, bark bark. Access.
Cartman: I want the name and address of anybody who's bought a time phone from this guy in the past week.
K-10: Working, bark bark.
Scene Description: Otter Bay. evening. A sign there says "Allied Atheist Alliance." Blavius addresses a large crowd of sea otters
Blavius: The United Atheist Alliance has taken the bait! Soon they will send their ships out to destroy our decoy clam fields! And while their ships are away, the United Atheist League intends to attack them! Our plan has worked perfectly! For when the United Atheist League attacks the United Atheist Alliance, we will charge in and kill them all! Our Science, our answer to the Great Question shall prevail!
Otters: Hail Science! Hail Science! Hail Science!
Blavius: And I will personally kill the Time Child, and eat his entrails on my tummy!
Scene Description: The turn of the 20th century, day. An early blue car rolls down the street and the driver honks his horn. The car passes by a Colonial-style house. Inside the house, a woman vacuums a rug with an early vacuum cleaner when the phone rings. She turns off the vacuum cleaner and starts moving towards the phone
Man: I'll get it, darling. [approaches the phone and picks up the receiver. His wife goes back to vacuuming] Hello? Hello?
Boy 4: Uh yes, hello? I'm calling for Mr. Wall?
Man: I'm sorry, there's no Mr. Wall here.
Boy 4: Oh. Is Mrs. Wall there?
Man: Nno, there are no Walls here.
Boy 4: Then how does your roof stay up? [he and his friend begin to laugh]
Man: Oh, I see! Is this the Johnson boys from down the street?!
Boy 4: No, we're from the future. [stifled laughter]
Man: Very funny!
Boy 5: Hi, uh, I'm a Pepper, and I'm wondering if you'd like to be a Pepper too?
Man: God darn ya! [hangs up. The two boys laugh]
Boy 4: Yeah.
Boy 5: That was a great one! [the doorbell rings and Boy 4 gets up to answer it. Cartman, dressed as a maintenance man, and K-10 appear at the entrance]
Cartman: Hello, I'm with the cubic waste department. I need to check your lowertram for inhibitors.
Boy 4: Oh. Okay, I guess.
Cartman: [steps inside] Come on in, Bob. [K-10 enters the room] All right, just let me use my tools... [pulls out a gun and fires at Boy 4, who is instantly trapped in a bubble, floating in the air. K-10 does the same to Boy 5.]
Boy 5: Hey!
Cartman: [walks up and takes the time phone from the coffee table] Haha! Stupid assholes! I got your time phone! [walks out the door with K-10]
Boy 4: Science H. Logic! What a jerk!
Scene Description: Otter Bay. evening. The otters are arming each other
The Wise One: [walks in with a cane] Silence, otters!
Otter 1: It's the Wise One
Otter 2: The Wise One speaks.
The Wise One: This is not the path we should be taking. Will more bloodshed end anything?
Blavius: [floats up to him on a hovering throne] Wise One, our answer to the Great Question is the only one based on good science.
The Wise One: Science, reason, is that really all there is?
Blavius: They are not a logical race, Wise One! They go around chopping down trees for tables, when they have perfectly good tummies to eat on. How logical is that?!
Otter Leader: Yes! [walks up to a painting of Dawkins and Garrison] The great Dawkins said we cannot tolerate those who don't use reason! How reasonable is it to eat off wood instead of your tummy?
The Wise One: Well perhaps the great Dawkins wasn't so wise. Oh, he was intelligent, but, some of the most intelligent otters I've ever known were completely lacking in common sense. Maybe, some otters do need to believe in something. Who knows? Maybe, just believing in God makes God exist.
Otter Soldier: Kill the Wise One!
Otter 3: Kill the Wise One! [the other otters crowd him in and start attacking]
The Wise One: What?! Whoa, wait wait! [perishes amid the pummeling while Blavius watches on]
Scene Description: Cartman's room, night. He's sprawled out on his bed in his pajamas, his eyes open. He can't sleep, tossing and turning every few seconds. He looks at his clock: 2:15.
Cartman: Oh God! [throws himself back on the bed and squeezes his eyes shut. This time, the phone rings. He gets up to answer it. The caller is the Time Child] Hello? [he gets static until...]
Time Child: [in a higher pitch] Hello? [Cartman is surprised to hear his own voice on the other end] Are you there?
Cartman: Who is this?
Time Child: [to K-10] No, no, I have me. [to his past self] All right, all right, listen! Listen to me carefully! You need to be patient!
Cartman: What?? Who the hell is this?!
Time Child: It's me.
Cartman: Me who?!
Time Child: Me you!
Cartman: What?!
Time Child: I'm you in the future! You have to be patient and wait for the Nintendo Wii to come out, or else you'll wake up in the future and have to deal with a bunch of see otters!
Cartman: Oh very funny, Kyle!
Time Child: It's not Kyle, it's you!
Cartman: Yeah? Well you can go fuck yourself.
Time Child: I'm trying to do you a favor, dumb-ass!! Just listen to me!
Cartman: Listen to this! [puts the phone to his ass and farts into it, then slams the phone down on its base] Dickhead. [the phone rings again. Cartman picks it up and quickly slams it down again.]
Time Child: [surprised at his own reaction in the past] What an asshole!
Scene Description: Butters' house, later. The phone rings in the kitchen. Butters walks in to answer it.
Butters: Hello? [he gets static until...]
Time Child: Butters? Butters!
Butters: Eric? Is that you?
Time Child: Butters, Butters! Listen to me! Just just listen. I'm about to come over to your house and ask you to help me freeze myself. Do not... do t!
Butters: [looks around unsure what to make of this strange call] Eric, are you playing a joke on me again?
Time Child: No! This is not a joke! Whatever I say to you, Butters, no matter how hard I try, do not... do... what I tell you!
Butters: But... [notices Cartman entering through the front door] but you're here right now. [Cartman walks into view]
Cartman: Butters?! Come on, we gotta go!
Time Child: [hearing his past self] No! Don't listen to me! Tell me to go screw myself!
Butters: Huh??
Cartman: Come on, Butters, it's gonna get dark!
Butters: But, you're telling me not to go with you.
Cartman: What?? [enters the kitchen to talk to his future self] Who the fuck is this?!
Time Child: Aw dammit, just listen to me! If you freeze yourself, you're going to die!
Cartman: Suck my balls!
Time Child: No, you suck my balls!! Just listen to me for one minute!
Cartman: ...Okay, you have one minute.
Time Child: Right before you left for Butters' house, you drank a buncha Ovaltine and put Clyde Frog in the closet so nothing would happen to him, right?
Cartman: [shocked] Are you spying on me?!
Time Child: No, I am you, you stupid asshole!
Cartman: Fuck you, asshole. You can go fuck yourself! [hangs up and pulls his hood back over his head] Come on, Butters, we're going!
Butters: Oh, all right then.
Time Child: [frustrated] God I hate that guy!!
Scene Description: UAA war meeting, a full room
UAA Leader: My friends, the time has come! May Science give us the courage to do what we must! Launch all defensive ships to sector J7! Take out the otters' clam fields! [a fleet of UAA ships takes off]
Scene Description: UAL headquarters. The UAL leader ponders the painting of Dawkins and Garrison before him
UAL Aide: Sir! The United Atheist Alliance has sent out all their ships. Their capital is now unprotected.
UAL Leader: [turns and issues the command] Then begin the attack! Science be praised.
Scene Description: A vast meadow, day.The ground begins to vibrate, then the first ostrich zips by. A couple more follow, then a bigger group of them, then the whole army of them, all with otters on them riding into battle
Otter Leader: Kill the table-eaters! In the name of Almighty Science! [the otters ride on]
Scene Description: Kyle's house, day, kitchen. The phone rings and Kyle arrives to answer it
Kyle: Hello? [he gets static until...]
Time Child: Hello? Kyle?
Kyle: Hello?
Time Child: Yes. Hello, Kyle. It's Eric. Uh, how's it going?
Kyle: What do you want?!
Time Child: Kyle, you are the smartest guy I know, so I think maybe you're the only person who can understand this. You know how earlier today I asked you to help me freeze myself?
Kyle: I'm not going to help you freeze yourself, Cartman! It's a stupid idea!
Time Child: No, see, I know it's a stupid idea. Because, I actually did freeze myself.and... you were right, Kyle. It backfired and I was frozen for 500 years, and now I'm calling you from the future.
Kyle: [with half-closed eyes] ... Uh huh.
Time Child: No, really, Kyle, I'm I'm seriously. Here, talk to my robot dog. [backs up to hand the phone to K-10.]
K-10: Bark bark. Hello, Kyle. Bark bark.
Kyle: ... I'm hanging up now.
Time Child: No, Kyle, listen! Please! I think right about now, I'm in my mom's freezer.
Kyle: Suck my balls, fatass.
Time Child: ... I will. I will suck your balls, Kyle. Just stop me from freezing myself, and I will get down on my knees, and I will suck your balls. I'll suck 'em dry, Kyle. [a car honks its horn at Kyle's end and he looks over. It leaves]
Kyle: Aw Goddammit, now you've made me miss my ride! My whole day is screwed up because of you! [hangs up]
Time Child: Kyle? [as he asks, everything around him changes. His float screen goes from red to green, his suit goes from blue to saffron with light blue cape, the plant turns leafy, and the floor goes from orange to navy] Kyle!
KIT-9: [K-10's new look] Eric, I really think you should stop calling the past. You could change the present.
Time Child: Well I don't notice anything different, KIT-9! Do you?
KIT-9: I guess not, meow meow.
Time Child: [begins to notice the differences] Hm, I see... [the building is shaken hard by something striking it] Hey!
KIT-9: Meow meow. [the UAL ships swarm in and fire at all the buildings in UAA territory]
Time Child: Heeeeey!
KIT-9: Meow meow.
UAA Woman: TC! We're under attack!
Time Child: By who?!
UAA Woman: We have to get to the War Room! It's the only safe place!
Scene Description: The War Room. Officials there mill around trying to keep things under control. KIT-9 and Cartman arrive. Cartman has the Crank Prank Time Phone
UAA Leader: The United Atheist League is bombing the city! We're defenseless!
Cartman: This is terrible! I'm gonna die in the future without ever playing Nintendo Wii?!
Tactical Officer: Sir! The sea otters are advancing! They've broken through the east portal!
Scene Description: The outskirts of the UAA city. The otter army reaches the edge of the city
UAA Leader: What?! Three-way phone channel onscreen! [the main screen lights up with two windows. On the left window appear the UAL leader and the UAL, on the right window appear Blavius and the otters]
Shvek: [from UAL headquarters] What are you otters doing?! This is our attack!
Blavius: [from AAA headquarters] Yes. And we're attacking both of you!
UAA Leader: You fools! This will be the end of us all!
Blavius: Then accept our answer to the Great Question, and we will withdraw.
UAA Leader: Your answer to the Great Question is illogical!
Cartman: What is the Great Question?
KIT-9: What atheists should call themselves.
Shvek: Unified Atheist League is the most logical name.
UAA Leader: >Unified Atheist Alliance makes more sense.
Blavius: No! Allied Atheist Alliance! That way it has three A's! That is the logical choice!
Shvek: So be it. We cannot agree; prepare to die.
Tactical Officer: Forward missiles launched, sir!
Cartman: I have to get out of here! Why is everyone in my past so stupid that they think I'm crank-calling them?!
KIT-9: But Eric, meow meow, you knew the wife of the smartest man in all of history.
Cartman: Who?
KIT-9: Your teacher, the one called Garrison.
Cartman: Garrison? But he's an asshole.
Scene Description: Mrs. Garrison's bedroom, night. Mr. Dawkins is giving it to Mrs. Garrison doggy style, hard. Both moan and make other sexual noises. The phone rings
Mrs. Garrison: Oh yeah! Yeah, I'm a monkey! Give this monkey what she wants!
Mr. Dawkins: Oh Ms. Garrison!
Mrs. Garrison: Dammit, who the hell is calling?!
Mr. Dawkins: I'll tell them... to call you back... Oh... yeah... [answers the phone] Garrison residence. Can you call... back later, please?
Cartman: It's an emergency! It's an emergency!
Mr. Dawkins: [stops] An emergency?
Cartman: I need to speak to Mr. Garrison right now!
Mr. Dawkins: I'm sorry, but Mr. Garrison has passed away. Mrs. Garrison is the only person here and she's rather tied up at the moment.
Cartman: Look asshole, this is a real emergency! Just pass the phone to whatever Garrison wants to call himself since the sex-change operation!
Mr. Dawkins: Sex-change operation??
Mrs. Garrison: Uh oh.
Mr. Dawkins: [pulls out and protects his genitals] Uuuuugh! You're a man?!
Mrs. Garrison: Not anymore. I've been fixed. [Dawkins runs for his clothes] Richard, hold on. I can explain.
Mr. Dawkins: Explain?? How can I be so stupid?? [runs out of the house with his pants on, carrying the rest of his clothes]
Mrs. Garrison: Richard, come back, please! [Dawkins does NOT return, and Garrison loses her faith in atheism in a flash] Well go ahead and leave, you atheist faggot! Have fun mocking God in hell! You queer!
Scene Description: The battle in the future. The War Room has been destroyed, but Cartman and KIT-9 are still there
Cartman: Mr. Garrison! Mr. Garrison! [Cartman's present changes again, and now he's wearing a gray suit with orange cape. Also, he's back at UAL headquarters, which is quiet and undamaged]
Shvek: [enters from a side door] All right, Eric. Are you all set to go?
Cartman: [turns around] Go... Right... Where am I going? [he was facing a panel of UAL and UAA members]
UAA Leader: [joins Shvek from the left side] W-we told you: we're sending you home. With the Crank and Wank Time Machine.
Blavius: [joins them both from the right side] Don't worry, my son. When you return to your time you will merge with your other self. It's all very Zen.
Cartman: Wait... Isn't... everybody at war over atheism?
Shvek: Atheism? No. We've learned to get rid of all the isms in our time.
Medic: Yes. Long ago we realized isms are great for those who are rational, but in the hands of irrational people, isms always lead to violence.
Cartman: So there is no war now in the future.
Blavius: Of course there's war. The stupid French-Chinese think they have a right to Hawaii.
All: Yeah!
UAA Leader: But now the moment has come to send you back to your time. [some rings descend from above and a blue light appears, indicating that beaming is about to begin]
Shvek: We unfroze you for a purpose, and now that purpose is fulfilled.
Cartman: [wondering] And what was that purpose again?
Shvek: We explained that to you already.
Cartman: Right... [a bird flies in and sets down next to him.]
KOK-A-3: Goodbye, Eric. I will mess you. Squawk squawk
Cartman: I'll miss you too, KOK-A-3.
UAA Leader: So long, Eric. And tell everyone in the past for us, that no one single answer... is ever the answer. [the rings go back up and take Eric with them.]
Scene Description: EV Games. Cartman is pacing in front of the store again
Cartman: Hoowww- [his future self is beamed into his body and he checks himself] I'm back. Wow! I'm back!
Liane: There you are, Eric.
Cartman: Mom! Mom, they did it!
Liane: Eric, you have to come home. You can't just wait here for that game to come out.
Cartman: [happy, for once] No, I know. You're right, Mom. I need to learn to be patient. I think I can wait three weeks for Nintendo Wii to come out.
Liane: But, honey, it's only September. That... [points] Nintendo Wii doesn't come out for two months.
Cartman: What? NO! [runs up to the window and sees that his mom is right] NOO!! [turns around and moves away from the storefront] You sent me back too far!! HEY! Do it over!
Liane: Who are you talking to, muffin?
Cartman: I can't wait two months! [runs back to the doors] I can't! There has to be a way around this!
Clerk: Hey, kid, somebody's on the phone for you.
Cartman: Hello?
Scene Description: Cartman the Time Child is calling from a different future, in which everyone floats around on large purple-pink bubbles
Time Child: Hello? Hello? I know what you're thinking! Do not do it! You just need to be patient and wait the two months! Do you hear me?!
Cartman: ...Oh, suck my balls, Kyle! [hangs up and leaves the store.]


Scene Description: The South Park Gazette, est. 1997, day. A bicycle rests on the sidewalk outside the office. Inside, Stan talks to the editor.
Editor: [The nameplate on his desk says Mr. Jarvis] Being a delivery boy for the South Park Gazette is a noble privilege.
Stan: I'm sorry, Mr. Jarvis, it's just that... I have to get up at 4 a.m. to deliver your paper and then I go to school all day.
Mr. Jarvis: Oh waaa waaa waaa! We've all got problems, pussy! Get used to it! [picks up today's paper] You aren't delivering the papers on time!
Stan: [insistent] My bike had a busted pedal, but I got it fixed, so there won't be a problem anymore. [behind him, outside the window, a tow truck pulls up]
Mr. Jarvis: [noticing] Is that your bike out there? [the driver leaves the cab and moves towards the back of the truck.]
Stan: Yeah. Why?
Mr. Jarvis: 'Cause it's being towed.
Stan: [turns around] What?? [walks to the door and looks out its window, then leaves the office while the driver locks the bike in place]
Scene Description: Outside the Gazette office.
Stan: Hey, hey! What are you doing?!
Driver: This your bike?
Stan: Yes!
Driver: It's on the impound list. You owe the county for tickets. [the list shows the tow truck belonging to Jerry's Towing. The driver activates the crane, which slowly lifts one end of the bike up]
Stan: No-dude, I need my bike to do my job!
Driver: Yeah? Well my job is to tow this bike. You want it back? You talk to the county. [gets back into the cab and closes the door]
Stan: [climbs up the door towards the driver] No NOO. Do NOT tow my bike! [the truck moves forward and Stan hops off. He moves towards the bike.] Stop, asshole! RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! [catches up to the bike and grabs one of the pedals, but that just jerks him up and down a few times as the wheel on the ground moves the pedals. Stan hits the ground several times, getting bruised until he finally lets go of the pedal and rests on the street. He looks on helplessly as the truck keeps moving and his bike disappears in the distance]
Scene Description: Park County Government Center, day. A man sits in his office, and a knock is heard at his door.
Judge: Yes? Come in.
Stan: Hi, my name is Stan Marsh. I was told to come down here and try to-
Judge: Yes! Come on, Mr. Marsh. I've been told all about your case. Impounded bicycle, $83 owed to the county. Maybe you should get a job.
Stan: I got a job, but without my bike to do my paper route, I can't make the money! See?
Judge: [pulls out a pre-loaded record player and puts the needle onto the record, which begins playing, then says] Stan Marsh is a bright young man. He's got a great family, a promising paper route; only problem is, [removes the needle from the record] his bike's been impounded! [puts the needle back on the record, on another song] But now, he's about to find out that getting his bike back isn't so easy. [pulls the needle off again and puts the needle's arm in its resting place]
Stan: [several seconds later] Look, I really need my bike.
Judge: [puts the record player aside] Well, I'm afraid I can't give it to you, because then you wouldn't learn anything..
Stan: What do I have to learn?! This isn't fair!
Judge: Whoa whoa, hold on. I've looked your case over and I think maybe we can cut a little deal here. According to your background check, when you were in kindergarten, you played on the Park County Pee Wee Hockey Team.
Stan: ...Yeah?
Judge: Well it just so happens that the pee wee hockey team this year needs a coach.
Stan: [apprehensive] Me?
Judge: [pulls out the record player again and plays it] Stan Marsh is a washed-up fourth grader. He's got no job, no bicycle. And his only way out is to coach... [pulls the needle off the record] a pee wee hockey team! [puts it on again] And now, he's about to find out that to coach, you've got to grow.
Scene Description: South Park Recreation Center, looking more sophisticated than before. A hockey rink is in place, with kindergartners inside moving around. Stan is near the center's entrance moving towards the rink. Kids fall and get back up as they struggle to skate. Stan reaches the rink's entrance and looks inside
Stan: Oh boy. Uh, all right, guys, over here? Come over here. [the kids move towards him, tumbling. Stan decides to go in and meet them] We've got a lot of work to do and not much time to do it in.
# 10: Who are you?
Stan: My name is Stan and I'm your new coach. Now we just need to kind of organize a little bit and practice our-
# 8: Coach, I have to go potty.
Stan: All right, fine, go ahead.
# 8: ...By myself?
Stan: S- hold it a while, okay?
# 7: What does "passing" mean?
Stan: When you shoot the puck to another player.
# 15: [chubby boy] My mommy said I'm as big as the sky.
# 3: Coach, Morgan spit on my foot!
Morgan: I did not!
Stan: All right, all right, shut up! We're gonna practice! You two guys play defense, and you play goalie.
Nelson: [downcast] I can't play goalie. [he's bald, save for a few hairs hanging down from inside his helmet]
Stan: Why not?!
Nelson: My doctor says I'm not supposed to.
Stan: What, you got asthma or something?
# 3: No, he has cancer.
Stan: [off guard] What?
# 8: Nelson has leukemia. It's already spread to his bone marrow.
Nelson: I don't wanna have cancer! [covers his eyes and begins to weep]
Stan: Ah, it's okay. Don't cry.
Nelson: But why me, coach? Why?
# 7: Coach, why do people get cancer?
Stan: [feeling overwhelmed] Oh Jesus, can we just practice?
# 10: Are we gonna get cancer if we play with Nelson, Coach?
Stan: NO! [a rival team and its coach walk up to Park County]
Coach: Well well well! If it isn't the Park County Losers! [the rival players laugh. They're from Adams County]
# 7: Oh no! Adams County! [the Park County players back away, leaving Stan out front]
Coach: We just thought we'd come check out the ice for the game tomorrow. [steps forward and offers a handshake] Gavin Throttle, coach of the Adams County team.
Stan: [steps forward to reply] Hey. [Coach Gavin withdraws his hand]
Gavin: Look, why don't you just give up? You can't beat us. You really want to embarrass your players?
# 7: Our coach isn't gonna let us lose!
Park County: Yeah!!
Gavin: [steps forward again] Fine, if that's the way you want it. See ya tomorrow, coach! Adams Team!
Adams County: Right! Follow! [they leave the rink]
# 6: Coach, please don't let us lose to Adams County. My daddy will beat me again.
Scene Description: Stan's house, night. It's been a long day and Stan looks tired. He opens the front door and enters.
Stan: Jesus Christ. [his parents walk up to him]
Sharon: Stanley, where have you been?! It's almost bedtime!
Randy: Your mother's been worried sick, and I've been watching TV!
Stan: I got a new job. I'm finally gonna be able to pay off all the money I owe.
Randy: Oh, well that's good.
Sharon: What kind of job?
Stan: I'm working with the Pee Wee Hockey League.
Randy: ...What? With the-? [turns around] What whoa wait, Stan. You gave up playing hockey a long time ago.
Stan: I'm not playing, I'm coaching.
Randy: Have you forgotten what happened all those years ago? Or are you just trying to make up for it?
Stan: [tense] What are you talking about?
Randy: Your Pee Wee hockey game! The Pepsi Center?! In between periods of the Colorado Avalanche?
Stan: [relaxes] I remember going to Shakey's afterwards.
Randy: Stan, you can't put your family through this again! Whatever your reasons are!
Stan: [heads upstairs] I'm tired. I'm goin' to bed. [Randy moves towards him a bit, but Stan's door closes, and Randy turns to Sharon]
Randy: What are we goin' to do, Sharon??
Sharon: What?
Randy: Don't you get it? He's getting back into hockey to prove something to himself. So he can forget what happened in that Pee Wee skirmish.
Sharon: Maybe he doesn't remember. He was only 4.
Randy: Oho, he remembers. I'm sure it eats at him every single day.
Scene Description: Stan's room, night. He's now asleep and begins to dream.
Announcer: And we're about out of time here in another scoreless Pee Wee hockey game. [a boy skates towards the camera] And that's # 7, Stan Marsh, skating towards the goal, sort of, but h doesn't have the puck. [players nowhere near him just fall randomly. Two players manage to move towards a puck. The South Park player falls onto the Denver player, who kicks the puck away]
Denver goalie: [farts, and realizes he did more than that] I crapped 'em! Oh me I crapped 'em! [leaves the goal defenseless]
Announcer: Oh, it appears the goalie has pooped his pants. [the pucks moves towards Stan and stops right in front of him. The spotlight lands on him. The announcer stands] Oh and look at this! Little Stan Marsh actually has a shot at the goal!
Crowd: Ohhhh!
Randy: [with longer hair] Stan?? Shoot it! [Stan isn't sure what to do]
Announcer: Time is running out. Stan Marsh with a chance to win!
Kyle: You got it, Stan!
Randy: [quite animated. Sharon holds him down] Take the shot!! Take the shot!! [Stan takes the shot and the puck moves towards the goal, but stops just inches from success. The buzzer sounds and no one wins] NOOOOOOOOOOO!
Announcer: Ohoooo, that's the end of the game! How disappointing. [Stan looks around, scared.]
Scene Description: The master bedroom. Randy wakes up from his dream in a fit, jumps up and runs around the bedroom. Sharon sits up in fear
Sharon: Randy, what's wrong??
Randy: OH! Ohh... Oh Sharon, it was horrible! It was like I was living it all over again.
Scene Description: Park County Hockey Rink, day. Inside, Stan is with his team.
Stan: [blows his whistle] All right, guys. Tonight is our big game against Adams County. We still have all day to practice.
A man: Coach? Hey coach. [the man and his wife appear] Could we talk to you, please? [Stan leaves the rink to meet them]
Woman: We are the Browns. Nelson's parents?
Stan: Oh
Mr. Brown: Our little Nelson, he's... taken a turn for the worse, I'm afraid! His cancer is... real ba-a-a-ad. [Mrs. Brown tries to soothe him, but begins to weep softly]
Stan: Ohhh.
Mr. Brown: Yeah. Oh. Doctors say this could be it. How am I supposed to do it, coach? How do I look a five year old child in the eye and tell him he's not gonna live? [frustration leads to anger] You tell me, coach! You tell me how!!
Mrs. Brown: Stop it, Jack! He doesn't mean to take it out on you, coach.
Mr. Brown: [frustrated again] No, I don't mean to take it out on you, coach. It's just... [fiddling with his had nervously] I don't know what to say to him, coach. Neither of us do. What do you say tuh... somebody who's dying, huh?
Stan: ... I don't know.
Mr. Brown: Will you talk to him, coach? He looks up to you.
Stan: No, I think you oughta.
Mr. Brown: Nah, I'm just his father. But you're his coach! You're like a father to him.
Mrs. Brown: Please, coach, he's... [turns aside to cry] he's counting on you!
Mr. Brown: [bows several times] Please, coach, he's counting on you!
Scene Description: Hell's Pass Hospital, day.
Scene Description: Nelson's room. A banner over his bed reads "We Love You, Nelson" and a balloon reads "Get Well".
Stan: [enters the room] Oh uh, hey Nelson.
Nelson: Oh. [coughs] Hi, coach.
Stan: Dude, I can come back later. Is this a bad time for you?
Nelson: Yeah, it's a pretty bad time for me, coach. I'm only five and I'm dying. [Stan walks up to him] Coach, what's it like when you die?
Stan: Wugh, I'm not sure. I would... think that... it's a lot like it was before you were born?
Nelson: How come I have to die now?
Stan: Ogh.
Nelson: I mean, how come I don't get to grow up?
Stan: Goddammit, dude, I don't know.
Nelson: I'm sorry.
Stan: No, what I mean is, nobody really knows, see? But everyone does it. I mean, it's not like everyone else gets to live and only you have to die. Everyone's gonna die. You feel better now?
Nelson: I think so.
Stan: Okay, great. Look, I, I gotta get to the stadium, but uh... hang in there? All right? [gives him a thumbs up and walks away]
Nelson: Thanks, coach. [Stan is close to the door...] Will you do me just one favor, Coach? That game tonight? I'm gonna be watching, so... could you... make it so I don't have cancer?
Stan: No- dude, I told you I can't do that.
Nelson: Well then, will you just... win for me?
Stan: Okay. [pause. He steps out of the room and closes the door. Behind the door is the judge, waiting. He has his record player with him. He starts playing it...]
Judge: Stan Marsh has always lived a carefree life. But in the blink of an eye, what seemed important before can all be put in perspective. Stan Marsh is... "Bummin' on Cancer." [takes the needle off, and Stan walks away.]
Scene Description: Park County Hockey Rink, night. Spectators begin to stream into the recreation center.
Announcer: Welcome, parents, to this Pee Wee hockey match between Park County and Adams County. [Sharon walks in and sits down]
Adams County: [Gavin leads them in the cheer] Win! Win! Win! Win! Win! Win! Win! Win! Win! Win! Win! Win! Win! Win! Win! Win! Win!
Stan: [walks up to Gavin] Coach, can I talk to you for a second?
Gavin: Come to surrender, coach?
Stan: [takes him aside] Look, there's a kid in my team who's got cancer, and, he wants us to win this game really bad, so, could you just... give us kind of a break?
Gavin: HA! I don't think so, Coach. We're gonna beat you into the ground, cancer or no! [turns and heads back to his team] Win! Win! Win! Win!
Adams County: Win! Win! Win! Win! Win! Win! ...
Scene Description: The Park County locker room, before the game. Stan and his team hold a meeting.
Stan: All right, guys, listen. [turns around] I saw Nelson in the hospital, and he asked me one thing: he said he wanted us to win this game... for him. [the players look at each other]
# 6: Sooo, if we lose we're gonna kill Nelson?
# 7: Oh Jesus, no!
# 3: I don't wanna be a murderer!
Stan: Relax! If we lose we're not gonna be murderers.
# 7: If we lose are we gonna get cancer?
# 13: Oh no!
# 15: Ohhh..
# 8: Oh no.
# 6: I don't want cancer.
Scene Description: The game begins. Adams County players tap their sticks to the drum rhythm going on over the speakers.
# 7: They look pretty strong, coach. I think Nelson's gonna die for sure. [Stan looks a bit awed at the kid's assessment. The referee skates up to the center of the rink. Blur's "Song No. 2" begins to play.]
Gavin: Good luck, Coach! You're gonna need it! [the ref throws down the puck and the skaters move... and fall over] Yeah! Let's go Adams!
Scene Description: the spectators look bored. Nothing is happening in the rink except for the Park County goalie picking his nose. The clock shows 5:05 left in the first period
Stan: Let's go, Park! Come on!
Scene Description: Still nothing is happening in the rink. An Adams County player waves to his mom, she waves back. The camera moves around excitedly
Gavin: That's it, Brian! Kill him! [motions to Stan, then returns to watching the game]
Stan: Get near the puck! [Park County players fall. No one is getting near the puck. No. 15, the goalie, continues picking his nose. Fast forward to the end of the third period. An Adams County player is struggling to keep his bladder in check. One second left in the game]
Announcer: And that's the end of the game. The result is a tie.
Stan: Tie? Well, what does that mean?
Judge: [walks up with his record player and plays it] Stan Marsh was supposed to win it all. The big game. A dying boy's hope. Only problem is, [pulls the needle off the record.] he tied! [puts the needle on another track] And now, he's about to find out that tying isn't the same as winning. [pulls the needle up]
# 10: So did we kill Nelson or not?
Scene Description: Hell's Pass Hospital, day. Stan peeks into Nelson's room
Stan: Hello?
Nelson: Coach.
Stan: How are you feeling?
Nelson: I feel pretty good, except for the cancer. [coughs] Coach? Does God hate me?
Dr. Doctor: Oh, hello Coach.
Stan: Uh, hi Doc. How's he doing?
Dr. Doctor: Well, he isn't worse, but, he isn't getting better. It's almost as if... his cancer were tied.
Stan: Oh boy.
Nelson: [coughs] Oh. My cancer hurts.
Dr. Doctor: He seems to have put all his hope into you winning that game. And with a tie, he's in a kind of... cancer limbo.
Stan: But what can I do?
Judge: [rushes into the room with his record player] Stan Marsh! Stan Marsh! Great news! Our hockey team has just been invited to play against Denver County during a Colorado Avalanche game!
Nelson: Wow. [smiles] At the Pepsi Center?
Dr. Doctor: Look! He's coming around again.
Nelson: That's our biggest game ever. Do you think we can win, Coach?
Stan: Well, ah, I mean...
Judge: [sets the record player on the floor and plays it] Imagine. If there was one game, one chance, to make everything right. Stan Marsh is being given that chance. But to win, he's gonna have to pull out all the stops in... "Stanley's Cup"! Rated R. [turns the player off]
Stan: Yeah... yeah, we'll beat 'em.
Nelson: All right! Maybe there IS hope for me.
Dr. Doctor: [takes Stan aside] Just be aware of this, Coach. If you lose the Big Game, that little boy is going to die faster than Steve Irwin in a tank full of stingrays.
Scene Description: A restaurant booth, day.
# 6: Coach! What the hell were you thinking?
# 3: We can't beat Denver County.
Stan: Well, sure we can.
# 6: Last time we played Denver they scored seven times.
Stan: Look, guys. I believe in you. Nelson believes in you. Doesn't that count for anything?
# 8: No, 'cause they're gonna kill us.
Stan: They're not gonna kill us.
# 6: That's what Steve Irwin said about those stingrays.
Stan: [thinks a bit] Haven't you guys ever seen these movies? We're just supposed to rally together, believe in ourselves, and we win in the end.
# 3: No. In the movies, they always go out and find a kid who's really good to join the team.
Stan: Hey that's right. We need a ringer. [smiles]
# 13: We need a Canadian. [Next thing you see is Ike shooting pucks into the goal. Stan and Kyle watch. Stan smiles.]
# 6: Wow, he's good.
Park County: Yeah!
Kyle: Stan, I told you. My mom doesn't want Ike playing hockey. She thinks it's dangerous.
Stan: It's just for one game. He won't get hurt, I promise. [Ike is wearing #2]
Park County: Yeah!
Kyle: All right, but it's gonna take more than one good player to beat the champions, Stan. You'd better have a really good game plan.
Scene Description: Stan's room, night. He's drawing up plays for his team to carry out. The camera moves enough to include Randy, in his briets at the door, in the shot
Randy: Can you believe it, Stan? The Pepsi Center. You're going back to the place where it all happened. Same place where you missed that shot all those years ago.
Stan: Dad, I'm working on my game plan right now.
Randy: Ya have to understand why I can't go. I can't... sit there in that same crowd and watch you destroy yourself again. [sits at the foot of the bed] Oh, Stan. Of all the places, why does it have to be the Pepsi Center? All right, all right, I'll go. No, no I WANT to go. [gets up and looks at Stan] I'm gonna be there for you and... I'll be rooting louder than anybody, saying "That's my son!" [turns around and leaves the room, then turns around again] And just remember, Stan: win or lose. Those are your two options, Win, or lose. [turns left and walks away]
Scene Description: The Pepsi Center at Denver, night. Your Colorado Avalanche vs. The Detroit Red Wings. The match is underway and the Red Wings are on offense. One of the Red Wings fires the puck towards the Denver goal, but the Denver goalie blocks it by catching it with his left glove
Announcer: His shot is blocked! What a great save! [a man holds up a banner that reads "GO AVS." The buzzer sounds and the score is tied at 2-2 at the end of the second period] And that's the end of the second period. The score is tied 2-all. [the teams go to their locker rooms] And now please put your hands together for three minutes of exhibition play from some of our state's finest Pee Wee hockey players.
Stan: [at an entrance with his team] All right, you guys, this is it. The moment is here. We've been through a lot together, and according to every movie ever made, we're going to win this game. Just don't forget: there's a little boy in the hospital who's really counting on us. So let's not let him down. Are you with me?! [all the players are with him in their own ways.] All right, let's go win!
Official: [rounds the corner and spots them] Sorry boys, you aren't playing tonight.
Stan: Huh?
Official: The other Pee Wee hockey team didn't show up. There's nobody for you to play. Thanks for makin' the trip though.
Park County: We came to play.
Stan: S-so then we win?
Official: No. Nobody wins.
Stan: Hey. Hey, you can't do this. [the Avs come up behind Park County] We've, we've been through all this stupid emotional crap!
Official: Well, you've got nobody to play, there's nothing we can do.
Stan: But it isn't supposed to end like this!
Av 1: Hey, hold on a second. If these kids have been through a lot of emotional changes, then they have to play.
Av 2: Yeah.
Official: Well, who are they gonna play?
Av 1: They can take our place.
Av 3: Yeah. Let 'em play the Red Wings.
Stan: [turns around and face the Avs] Play the Red Wings?
Judge: [pops in with his record player and plays his record] Stan Marsh coaches a Pee Wee hockey team. But now [pulls the needle off the record] they're going to play in the big leagues. [plays his record again] They've got small bodies but big hearts. Stan Marsh is... going professional. [pops out]
Av 1: All right! Give 'em hell, boys!
The Avs: All right! Yeah!
Scene Description: The Pepsi Center, night, third period.
Announcer: It's a tie game here in Colorado as we get set to start the final period. Your attention, please: for this third and final period, the Detroit Red Wings will be playing... the Park County Pee Wee Hockey Team.
Scene Description: Spectators return to their seats, and the period begins. The Red Wings take possession of the puck and begin to knock out Park County players left and right. One Red Wing smashes a Park County player into the plastic
Denver fans: OHHHHHHHHH!
Stan: Jesus Christ! [another Red Wing takes the puck to the goal, but kicks another Park County player into the plastic off to the side] Stop! Stop this!
Man: Let them play!
Fans: Let them play! Let them play! [even Randy is cheering for this. The Red Wing finally fires off the shot... into the goalie]
# 15: EEEK-ugh [lies there, helpless. The shot is good, and the Red Wings get another point.]
Scene Description: Another Red Wings skates up to # 7, jumps, and steps on his face with the edge of the skate, then skates away
Stan: Hey, can they do that??
Ike: [another Red Wing beats him to a bloody pulp] Ow, no. Oh! [a Red Wing fires the puck at # 8 and draws blood out his mouth]
# 8: AAAGH! [the Red Wings fire pucks into the goal at will and rack up lots of points. For some reason, there's a 4th period and the score is 31-2 Detroit. One final shot from Detroit and the final score is 32-2]
A Red Wing: Yeah! We did it! We did it! [Queen's "We Are The Champions" begins to play]
Scene Description: Red Wing fans celebrate the victory. Red Wings skate around the rink and hug spontaneously, and hi-five each other.
Randy: NOOO! NOT AGAIN! NOOO! [Sharon restrains him. Red Wings 14 and 30 French-kiss]
# 6: [with a black left eye and a bloody mouth] I hate you, Coach. I hate you. [The Red Wings coach kisses his wife, then shakes an older man's hand]
Red Wings coach: Thank you, Dad.
Former coach: I'm proud of you, boy. [they give each other a long, warm hug. An NHL official takes a huge trophy over to the Red Wings coach and his team]
Scene Description: Nelson's room at Hell's Pass Hospital. Large text blinks "Red Wings Win!" green and yellow on his television.
Fans: Red Wings! Red Wings! Red Wings! Red Wings! Red Wings! Red Wings!
Nelson: No hope. No... hope... [dies right there, and his vitals flatline]
Fans: Red Wings! Red Wings! Red Wings! Red Wings! [the coach celebrates his victory by waving the trophy around]