Scene Description: South Park, the church, day. The congregation is heard singing along with an organ. Inside, the town has assembled for services
Congregation: I walk hand-in-hand with Jesus Over at the park by where he lives I tell him all my problems [the cantor is shown at the pulpit] And sometimes he tells me his What a friend I have in Jesus [Stan, Kenny, and Cartman are shown] I can say that honestly [other townsfolk are shown] He's not like all my other friends Who really don't care about me. Amen.
Stan: [to Kenny] Bo-ring.
Cantor: And now Mr. Mackey will read his favorite psalm for us, Psalm 46. [steps out of the way]
Mr. Mackey: Uh, God is our refuge and strength, m'kay. A very present help in trouble, m'kay. [Cartman starts talking to Stan and Kenny] Therefore will not we fear, though the earth be removed, and though the mountains be carried into the midst of the sea...
Cartman: [as Mackey speaks] Hey, you guys, you wanna know what my favorite psalm is? "It's a man's obligation to stick his boneration in a woman's separation. [Stan and Kenny begin to laugh] This sort of penetration will increase the population of the younger generation." [stops]
Mr. Mackey: God is in the midst of her, m'kay. She shall not be moved, m'kay. [Stan resumes conversing with the other two] Though the waters thereof roar and be troubled, m'kay, though the mountains shake with the swelling thereof, m'kay. There is a river, the streams whereof shall make glad the city of God, the holy place- [interrupted by the priest]
Stan: [as Mackey speaks] Waiwaiwaiwaiwait. "It's a man's obligation to stick his boneration in a woman's..."
Cartman: "It's a man's obligation to stick his boneration in a woman's separation [Stan and Kenny begin to laugh] to increase the population of the younger generation."
Kenny: (It's a man's obligation to stick his boneration in a woman's operation-)
Cartman: No no, no. Separation.
Stan: "It's a man's obligation to stick his boneration in a woman's-"
Priest Maxi: BOYS! You are in CHURCH! [Liane raises her arm and slaps Cartman across the back.]
Cartman: [falls off the pew and onto the floor] Ugh!
Mr. Mackey: -m'kay. The God of Jacob is our refuge, m'kay. [walks from the pulpit back to his seat. The priest replaces him]
Priest Maxi: Thank you, Mr. Mackey. Hello, everyone. Today, we're going to talk about hell. [an organ swells into a dreadful chord. The boys are afraid] Hell is not a very nice place. Burning, searing, flames. Screaming, torture. For eternity. Once you are in hell, you cannot escape. You live forever in horrible pain, in burning agony. All sinners are there in misery, dying over and over and over. [the camera begins to descend through the floor, past the foundation, several layers of dirt, a sewage pipe...] If you be cast down into this black bog of stench, then woe is thou, [...more layers of dirt and some fossils...] for Satan has made it the most miserable place in the universe! [...and finally, an inferno full of skulls] And he will be your ruler! [the camera stops at this sign: "Welcome to Hell"] Your ruler of pain and agony!
Scene Description: Hell. Music is heard, and the camera pans right, past this sign: "Don't Forget! IT'S LUAU SUNDAY!!!"
Singers:: Are we going to the Hukilau? The Huki Huki Huki Huki Hukilau? [Satan joins them] Are we going to the Hukilau? The Huki Huki Huki Huki Hukilau? [Jerry Garcia is seen] Everybody loves a hukilau-
Gene Siskel: I do!
Singers: Where the laulau is the kaukau at the luau [A monster band plays] We throw our nets out into the sea [Satan does throw out a net] And all the ama-ama come swimmin' to me [two demons retrieve the net, with fish in it] Are we going to the Hukilau? The Huki Huki Huki Huki Hukilau?
Hula Dancers: Are we going to the Hukilau?
Men: The Huki Huki Huki Huki Hukilau?
Hula Dancers: Everybody loves a Hukilau,[a hula dancer's head falls off]
Singers: Where the laulau is the kaukau at the luau[Three other tortured souls watch as Satan and George Burns meet at the spit and Satan roasts the man attached]
All: 'We throw our nets out into the sea. [Frank Sinatra and Dean Martin motion for the nets to be dropped] And all the ama-ama come a-swimming to me [The demons harvest the catch, Tiny Tim surfs and plays his ukulele] Are we going to the Hukilau? [A three-person band of monsters sings and plays, then a group shot of Satan and others] The Huki Huki Huki Huki Hukilau? Huki... Luki... Lau?... [the camera pulls back to show everyone. An Aloha sign appears above.]
Satan: Yeah!
Demon: Hennnh! [bites a damned soul]
Man: Aaawwwwwww! [the others laugh]
Gary: Great luau, Satan.
Satan: Thanks. See ya, Gary. Thanks for comin'. Oh- Hi, Marsha.
Walter: Satan, a few of us are gonna go pound some brews. You wanna join us?
Satan: Oh, I'd love to, Mr. Matthau, but I can't. Chris and I just moved to the west side and we have to unpack.
Walter: Oh, well, maybe next time. Great luau!
Satan: Bye.
Scene Description: Hell, a marina. Boats, yachts, and one big ship are docked on the liquid lava below. A complex of buildings is shown. A woman somewhere screams. At the main entrance the sign reads, "RIVER STYX CONDOMINIUMS. UNITS STILL AVAILABLE." Inside his condo, Satan sets up a ceramic doll display and hums a bit
Satan: Chris?
Chris: [off-screen] Yeah?
Satan: Did you, uh, see my "Boy With An Umbrella" Hummel?
Chris: Uuh, no, but there's still some boxes coming from the movers.
Satan: Oh, okay, thanks. [the doorbell rings.] Oh, that must be them now. [goes to answer the door, and opens it] Just put the boxes by the-
Saddam: Hello, Satan! [opens his arms wide and grins big. He has two suitcases, one on either side of him]
Satan: [stunned] Saddam...
Saddam: [cuddly] Did you miss me, buttercup?
Satan: No, it can't be! You're dead! I killed you!
Saddam: Yeah, you killed me. So? Where was I gonna go? Detroit?
Satan: Oh no. [looks up] Oh, God no.
Scene Description: South Park, the church, day. Priest Maxi finishes his sermon. Fear is shown across the faces of many of the congregants
Priest Maxi: A place of everlasting agony and pain! Hell awaits all sinners and all who do not accept Christ! [Stan grits his teeth, Cartman's jaw drops, Kenny trembles a little] Children in this town have not been attending Sunday school after Mass! And adults have not been coming to Confession! If this does not change, I promise you, you will be going to the black pit of Satan's world! [Cartman grits his teeth] That is all. Peace be with you. [congregants rise and file out of church. Randy and Sharon Marsh are the last two adults out]
Randy: Well, that was quite an uplifting sermon.
Sharon: Yeah. [Stan, Cartman, and Kenny run up to them from behind]
Stan: Mom, wuh we're staying for Sunday school.
Sharon: [she, Liane, and Randy spin around] What?
Stan: We have to go to Sunday school so we don't burn! [turns around, runs to the altar, and turns right. Kenny follows him]
Cartman: Yeah. I'll see ya later, mom. [runs out after the other two.]
Randy: Oh, now look at that. They're scared to death.
Priest Maxi: [comes up behind them] Hell is a very real place, Mr. and Mrs. Marsh. I'm trying to save their souls and the souls of everyone in this town from the wretched lake of fire!
Scene Description: The wretched lake of fire - I mean, Hell, the River Styx Condominiums, Satan's front door. Satan has taken refuge behind the door and peeks out
Saddam: Come on, guy. Just let me in so we can talk.
Satan: I don't want to talk to you, Saddam! This isn't what I need in my life right now.
Chris: [peeks out from another room] Is that the movers, Satan?
Satan: [hides his disdain] Ah. Yeah. Yeah, it's just the movers
Chris: Oh, well, tell them I'm leavin' their check on the counter. [disappears]
Satan: Okay, Chris.
Saddam: Satan, look: I know our relationship wasn't perfect. Okay? I know that. I was too busy tryin' to take over the world to give you what you needed. But I've changed, Satan. [flashes his charm]
Satan: [sarcastically] Oh, why, I haven't heard that one before.
Saddam: COME ON, can't we just go out for a burrito? [Satan thinks about it. Saddam appears dressed for a fiesta and shakes the maracas around] ¡Me gusta burrito mucho!
Satan: I can't, Saddam. I'm with Chris now.
Saddam: Who?? Screw 'im! He can't pound your ass like I can!
Satan: Good-bye, Saddam!
Saddam: Wait. Wait, I'm sorry, heh. But Satan, you can't deny what's between us. [pats his hair] You can try, but you know we belong together.
Satan: My life is good now, Saddam. Chris treats me well. You and I are through. Good-bye. [closes the door, sighs, and walks off to his left, past a window]
Saddam: [pops up outside the window] Hey, come on, guy! Give me a break! [Satan looks, then lowers the blinds, and continues walking]
Scene Description: South Park, the church, day. Sunday school is in session, apparently at the church basement. A nun and eleven children sit around a table. Clockwise: the nun, a blonde girl, Clyde, Butters, Token, Kenny, Stan, Cartman, Pip, Bebe, Tweek, and a blond boy. A Twister game in on one side of the room, a bicycle on the other
Nun: Hello, children. I'm Sister Anne. And I'll be teaching you so that you can all receive your First Communion.
Stan: [quite afraid] Are we gonna go to hell?
Sister Anne: Well, hopefully not. That's why you're gonna need to receive Communion.
Cartman: A- And as long as we get this Communion thing, we're safe?
Stan: What if we haven't really done anything that horribly bad in our lives.
Cartman: Yeah, what if we haven't?
Sister Anne: It doesn't matter, because we are all born with Original Sin. Now, let me explain how Communion works. [brings out a golden dish with round wafers on it] The priest will give you this round cracker, [lifts up and displays a wafer] and he will say, "The Body of Christ," and then you eat it. [silence]
Cartman: Jesus was made of crackers?
Sister Anne: No.
Stan: But crackers are his- body.
Sister Anne: Yes.
Kenny: [thinks a while, then] (What?!)
Sister Anne: In the Book of Mark, Jesus distributed bread and said, "eat this, for it is my body."
Cartman: So wwe won't go to hell as long as we eat crackers.
Sister Anne: Nononono!
Butters: Uhwell, uhwhat are we eatin' then?
Sister Anne: The Body of Christ! [confused faces all around]
Stan: Nonono, I get it. Jesus wanted us to eat him, but he didn't want us to be cannibals, so he turned himself into crackers, and then told people to eat him.
Sister Anne: No!
Stan: No??
Butters: Huh-I can't whistle if I eat too many crackers.
Sister Anne: Look: all you have to know is that when the priest gives you the cracker, you eat it! Okay?!
Kenny, Stan, Cartman: O-kay.
Sister Anne: And then, you will drink a very small amount of wine, for that, is the Blood of Christ.
Cartman: [unconvinced, closes his Bible] Aw, come on now, this is just getting silly! [rests his head on his left hand]
Sister Anne: Eric, do you wanna go to hell?!
Cartman: [startled] Nno!
Sister Anne: Then stop questioning me.
Cartman: But now we can have Communion and not go to hell, right?
Sister Anne: No. Because before you can take your first Communion, you have to have your first Confession.
Stan: Confession? [Kenny snaps to attention, jarring music plays in the background]
Sister Anne: You'll be getting in the Confession box with a priest and confessing all your sins, so that God can forgive you. You kids will all have to go to your first Confession this Tuesday, so I want you all to go home tonight and think long and hard about all your sins, so that you can tell the priest everything. [All the kids look towards Stan Kenny and Cartman, who's faces are stricken with fear]
Kenny: (OH, SHIT!)
Scene Description: Hell, the River Styx Condominiums, Satan's kitchen. He and Chris are washing dishes. He soaks, Chris rinses
Chris: Those were some great pork chops, Satan.
Satan: Yeah.
Chris: Hey, you. [puts a dish away] You've been actin' strange all night. What's up?
Satan: [jittery] Nothing. Why?
Chris: Well, it's... just that you've washed that same dish seven times now, silly.
Satan: [sheepish] Oh, huh. Sorry, huh-huh. [holds a plate in his hands, then gives it to Chris]
Chris: [puts it away] Come on, Satan. You know you can tell me anything. What's up?
Satan: Well, Chris, Saddam showed up today.
Chris: [stung] Oh. [thinks] Woww! [sighs] I wasn't ready for that.
Satan: He showed up spouting all kinds of things about how he's changed and he still loves me...
Chris: I thought you... killed him.
Satan: Yeah, well, where was he gonna go? Detroit?
Chris: ...Do you still love him?
Satan: No, Chris.
Chris: It's okay of you do.
Satan: Well, I mean- [sighs] Of course, there's a part of me that will always love him, I... But I also know how abusive he was-I'm much happier with you.
Chris: Well, you know what I think we should do? I think we should all get together and just talk, like adults.
Satan: What?
Chris: We're all grown men here, Satan. I wanna just go meet this guy.
Satan: No, Chris, you don't understand. Saddam is fucking crazy.
Chris: Oh, I know he's got the whole bad-boy thing going. But I think that's what you were attracted to. But I can be a pretty rough tumbler myself. [tosses a plate into the air. It falls onto the floor and breaks up, startling him] Oops! [bends down to pick up the pieces.] Aw, butternuts! [Satan just glances away]
Scene Description: South Park, curbside. Stan, Cartman, and Kenny are seated there. Cartman has pen and notebook in hand
Stan: Okay, let's see. Uuh, oh yeah, there was the time we threw a fish into the busdriver's hair and she didn't find it for seven days.
Cartman: Oh yeah, okay.
Stan: And thennn there was the time we held that little first-grader down and farted on him for 28 minutes.
Cartman: Right, I already got that one.
Kyle: [stops by] Hey, dudes. What are you doin'?
Stan: We're trying to remember all our sins. Sister Anne told us we have to confess all our sins or else we're gonna go to hell.
Kyle: Uhwuwhat?
Stan: Have you confessed all your sins yet?
Kyle: No-o-o-o-o!
Cartman: Dude, he's Jewish. He doesn't have to confess his sins.
Kyle: Oh good. I don't?
Cartman: No, you're already going to hell.
Kyle: I am not!
Cartman: You are, too!
Stan: Dude, this lady told us if you don't confess all your sins and you don't eat crackers and drink wine, then you go to hell. Period.
Kyle: I'm gonna go ask my mom! [walks away]
Stan: Now, let's see. What about the time we set Mr. Garrison's cat on fire?
Cartman: Alright. That was mostly Kenny's fault.
Kenny: (What?)
Butters: [rushes in with Timmy and Token] Eyou guys! Eyou guys! Uh we just thought of somethin'!
Stan: What, Butters?
Butters: Uhwell, uh what about the handicapped kid, uh-Timmy?
Timmy: Timmiih!
Cartman: What'd we do to Timmy?
Butters: No! I mean, poor Timmy's gonna go to hell! He can't confess his sins, 'cause all he can say is his name!
Timmy: Timmiih!
Cartman: Oh yeah, you're right. I guess Timmy's pretty screwed.
Stan: Oh man, we can't let Timmy go to hell. We have to do something.
Kenny: (What are we gonna do?)
Stan: I don't know. I don't know what we're gonna do.
Scene Description: Hell. Satan sits on a boulder with four demons and a small monster off to his left
Satan: [pensive] I don't know what I'm gonna do. I can't deny my feelings for Saddam, but... my life is so much better now with Chris. [the monster gives him some commentary in gibberish] Yeah. It's like Chris is so perfect in every way, but there's just something about Saddam that I'm more attracted to. [the monster makes a suggestion] In what way? [the monster tells him] Yeah, you're right. Saddam would just treat me bad again. I'm just gonna have to not see Saddam. Put him out of my mind and focus on Chris. If I don't see Saddam, then I won't have such strong feelings for him. Thanks guys. [turns right to walk away]
Chris: [arrives] There you are.
Satan: [turns right] Oh hi, Chris!
Chris: I've been lookin' all over for you. I have to tell you somethin' that might make you... a little mad.
Satan: What?
Chris: Well, I called Saddam Hussein and invited him over for dinner tonight.
Satan: You WHAT?!
Chris: I just think we all need to get this out in the open.
Satan: Oh, Chris! Rraarr! [raises his arms in fury and points his right hand away. Lightning comes out from his index finger and scorches a tree.] Rraahh! [points his left hand away. Lightning comes out from his index finger and scorches the aboriginal monster he was talking with earlier.]
Chris: [walks up to Satan] Come on, Satan. We're all adults here. He was an important person in your life, for better or for worse. So, I wanna know him. If he sees that I'ma real person too, then... well, maybe he'll see how happy we are together.
Satan: No, Chris! He'll try to kill you is what he'll do!
Chris: Satan, we're not in junior high school anymore.
Satan: [incredulous] Oh, dear God. [slaps his hand to his face]
Scene Description: South Park, the church. Stan sits on a bench praying. A confession box stands nearby with two doors, one of which is open. Apparently, he's already confessed his sins.
Stan: Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee. Blessed art though amongst wo-
Cartman: [approaches] How was it?
Stan: Uh- Aw, dude, you screwed me up!
Cartman: Huh?
Stan: The guy in there said I have to say 54 Hail Marys. Now I can't remember if I was on number seven or eight.
Cartman: Who's in there?
Stan: I don't know. You can't see him; it's just some anonymous guy.
Cartman: Well, here goes everything. [walks to the penitent side of the confession box and enters.]
Scene Description: The confessional, inside. Cartman sits and faces the partition.
Cartman: [hesitantly] Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.
Priest Maxi: [in the confessor's side] Blessed art thou, child. Now, what do you have to confess?
Cartman: Well, let's see. I'd like to start, if I may, back when I was two and a half. It was a cold April morning, and the dew on the grass was frozen, like tiny beads of glass...
Scene Description: The church, inside, next to the confessional. Stan continues his prayers
Stan: ...Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee. Ble-
Kenny: [arrives] (Hey, dude.)
Stan: God damnit!
Kenny: (What??)
Stan: [notices someone and points] Oh, there's Sister Anne! Come on, we've got to ask her about Timmy. [he and Kenny walk over to her. She's kneeling before a table of candles and a portrait of Jesus] Sister Anne?
Sister Anne: Oh, hello, children.
Stan: We have a question.
Sister Anne: [rises] Okay, shoot.
Stan: Where do handicapped people go when they die?
Sister Anne: [thinks a moment, then] The handicapped are just people like you and me, so the same rules apply. They need to be baptized, take Communion, and confess their sins.
Stan: But our friend Timmy can't really talk. All he can do is say his own name, so he can't really confess his sins. So is he goin' to go to hell?
Sister Anne: Uugh. This really isn't a question for me, it's for the priest. [begins to hurry away] I'll see if I can find him. Bye. [Stan and Kenny look at each other]
Scene Description: The confessional, inside. Cartman goes through his extensive list of sins
Cartman: And that was about everything from first grade. Then last year, well, you can't tell anybody about this stuff, right?
Priest Maxi: Your [clears his throat] con- confession does not leave this box.
Cartman: Okay, because, last year, I took a sandwich that the priest of this church had been eating.
Priest Maxi: [guarded] Oh. Well, Uh arr-I'm sure he would forgive you if he knew.
Cartman: No, but I'm not finished yet. I took the sandwich that the priest was eating, took the piece of ham out of it, put it between my butt cheeks, and then put the sandwich back and watched him eat it. [Cartman looks up for a response, but nothing happens]
Priest Maxi: [after a pause] I... see.
Cartman: Yeah, and then this other time, I went pee-pee in the holy water thing, and the priest blessed himself on the forehead with it every day for about a week. [the priest grows more concerned and his jaw drops] And then this one time, I was at the park, and the priest was out walking his dog and I went-... number two on the sidewalk and then told Officer Barbrady that it was the priest's dog. [Priest Maxi's worry has turned to anger he's trying to contain] And so the priest got find like a hundred dollars for not cleaning it up. And then this one time, I put super glue all over the priest's bottle of- [an arm tears through the partition and grabs Cartman by the throat] -eh- Ow! [throttles him back and forth] D'ow! Jesus! Ooww-ah! Ow! [the priest pulls him up into the partition a few times] Eh! Oh! Help. [The confession box rocks back and forth] Oh! Somebody help! God damnit! Let me out of here!
Sister Anne: [arrives and knocks on the priest's door as Cartman screams] Father! I need to talk to you. Father! [an angry Priest Maxi exits the box] I have to ask you a question.
Priest Maxi: Okayokay, fine! [walks away with Sister Anne]
Cartman: [the door opens and he falls to the floor] Uh-huh- [Stan and Kenny rush up] Oho! Ohoho.
Stan: What happened??
Cartman: I felt it, you guys. I felt the angry hands of God. [Stan and Kenny get afraid] He is an angry God, you guys. We all have to start taking this very seriously.
Scene Description: Hell, River Styx Condominiums. The doorbell rings at Satan and Chris's condo. Chris walks to the door and opens it
Chris: Oh, hello. You must be Saddam Hussein.
Saddam: And you must be Mr. Assface. [cocks his head in an open grin] Just kidding. You're Chris, right? Thanks for inviting me to dinner, guy. [reaches into his coat] Here, I brought you a potato. [hands him a baked potato still wrapped in aluminum foil]
Chris: [takes the potato] Oh, thank you.
Satan: [sees this and rushes up to Chris] Chris, no! It's a bomb! [takes the potato and chucks it clear of the condo]
Chris: Satan, what the heck is wrong with you?
Saddam: Yeah! Hey, relax, guy. We're all here to act like adults, right? [the potato explodes in a manner that reveals it was a bomb after all] Oh, gee. I guess I must've overcooked it. [chuckles]
Chris: Well, come on in. Dinner's just about ready.
Scene Description: The Broflovski house, day. Sheila and Gerald sit on the living room sofa, and Ike reads from a book between them
Ike: behayin' glah, and the he find de eye. [reads from "Cannery Row" by John Steinbeck]
Gerald: Very good, Ike. That's two John Steinbeck books in one day.
Ike: Cookie monstooh.
Sheila: [affectionately] Oh, he's growing up so fast! [a door opens and closes]
Kyle: [rushes into the room] Mom! Dad! Am I gong to hell?
Sheila: Why? What did you do, Kyle?!
Kyle: Nothing. But the guys said if I don't confess my sins and eat crackers, I'm gonna go to hell.
Sheila: Oh noooo, that's just Catholics. Us Jews don't believe in hell.
Kyle: We don't? But what if we're wrong?
Sheila: Well..., Kyle..., they could be wrong, too.
Kyle: Yeah, but if they're wrong, no big deal. If we're wrong, we burn in hell.
Ike: Oh, no.
Gerald: Kyle, it's all about being a good person now! You see, Christians use hell as a way to scare people into believing what they believe. But to believe in something just because you're afraid of the consequences if you don't believe in something is no reason to believe in something. Understand?
Ike: No-o-o.
Kyle: Well, you guys can do what you want! I'm going down to that church to confess my sins and eat crackers! And I'm taking Ike with me! [goes up to him and takes him away towards the front door. The book falls to the floor]
Sheila: Kyle!
Scene Description: Hell, River Styx Condominiums. Dinner has been served. Saddam, Satan, and Chris sit at a round table, eating. Satan sits between the other two.
Chris: So Saddam. Satan told me all about how you guys almost took over the world once.
Saddam: Hn-yeah, those were the days, boy. What the hell is this crap we're eating, anyway?
Satan: It's all vegetarian, Saddam. Chris was a nutritionist before he died.
Saddam: Oh, isn't that fascinating. So, tell me, Chris. How is it that you died?
Chris: Oh, well I, I actually slipped down an escalator, in a mall. Those things can be pretty sketchy.
Saddam: An escalator? What kind of pussy way of dying is that?!
Chris: L-look, Saddam, I know that you and Satan had a relationship [Saddam reaches down to stroke Satan's right leg] And I just want you to know [Satan swats Saddam's arm away] that I'm totally okay with you guys staying friends.
Saddam: Uh huh.
Chris: I think it's important to stay friends with people you've had relationships with. [Saddam tries twice more with Satan, but Satan keeps swatting Saddam's arm off] And I know that Satan and my relationship is strong enough that it can handle anything. [looks up to Satan] Right? [a tormented Satan looks down at a grinning Saddam, who is still stroking his leg] Right.
Scene Description: The church, day. The rectory. Sister Anne, Stan, Cartman, and Kenny wait for Priest Maxi at his desk. On one side of the desk is a tray with holders that say, "The LORD Giveth" and "The LORD Taketh"
Sister Anne: Father, the children asked me about their handicapped friend. I wanna explain to them that he's fine.
Priest Maxi: Well, has your friend ever confessed or been baptized?
Stan: I don't think so.
Priest Maxi: Then, hell awaits him.
Sister Anne: Father, these boys are really worried because they think they have to-
Priest Maxi: They SHOULD be worried! Boys, it is your Christian duty to save the souls of your friends!
Sister Anne: Yes, but-
Kyle: [rushes in with Ike in tow] Mister Father! [Sister Anne looks back at him] We have to ask you something.
Priest Maxi: Oh. You're the little Jewish boy, right?
Kyle: Yeah. If we're Jewish, are we gonna go to hell?
Priest Maxi: Well, young man, you can rest assured that according to Matthew 25, when you die you will stand before God and he will will say, "Depart from me, you cursèd, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels." Yes! As a Jew, your home will be the lake of fire.
Ike: [hiding behind a frightened Kyle] Oh no.
Sister Anne: Father-
Priest Maxi: I hope to see all of you in church this Sunday.
Stan, Kyle, Cartman, Kenny: We will be. [the boys turn and walk out with Ike. Priest Maxi gloats]
Sister Anne: [concerned] Father, I don't know if I agree fully with what you're saying. I think that as long as Jewish people are good, they will get into heaven.
Priest Maxi: Sister, the Jews crucified our Savior. I mean, if you don't go to hell for crucifying the Savior, then what the hell do you go to hell for?!
Scene Description: The church, day. The boys stand in front of the candle table Sister Anne prayed at earlier
Kyle: [breathless] Stan! You've got to help us become good Christians. Please.
Stan: Alrightalrightalright. You heard the priest: the first thing we have to do is get you guys all baptized. Come on. [the boys exit]
Scene Description: Cartman's house, day. Timmy, Kyle, and Ike stand in a row as a hose splashes on each one for a few seconds. Cartman is the one doing the spraying while Stan and Kenny watch from the steps
Stan: Okay, you'd better baptize Kyle some more.
Cartman: [points the hose at Kyle] Halleluyah! Wash away the sin-eh!
Kyle: HAAAAH!
Cartman: Turn around so I can clean out your ass.
Stan: Cartman!
Cartman: What?
Stan: Dude, you just said "ass"! That's a sin!
Cartman: Oh, now you've said it, too!
Stan: Oh, shit! [covers his mouth with his gloves.] Oh!
Kenny: (Fuck! Oops!) [covers his own mouth]
Cartman: Aw, dude, we've gotta go back to church and confess again.
Stan: But what about them?
Cartman: Ugh. Oh, I know. [runs away, but returns with an attachment] We can use Wacky Water Weasel! [sets everything up, and the Weasel sets to work spraying Timmy, Kyle, and Ike.]
Timmy: Haaaaah!
Stan: Okay, come on. [he, Cartman, and Kenny leave]
Timmy: Haaa-ay, Timmmiih!
Scene Description: Hell, River Styx Condominiums. Dinner is over. Chris collects the dishes
Chris: Hoof. Well, I don't know about you guys, but all that ginger made me tired.
Saddam: Yes. I guess I should be gettin' back. [leaves the table]
Satan: Good. I'll show you out.
Chris: Nice to meet you, Saddam! Have a safe walk back!
Saddam: Yeah. Thanks for the weak grass and twigs and stuff. [Satan shows him out; he faces Satan] Satan, that guy is a pussy!
Satan: He's stable, Saddam!
Saddam: Yes, that's what I said! He's a pussy!
Satan: Having stability in your life is a great thing! You should try it!
Saddam: For some people, maybe. But you like excitement. I know you, Satan. [grins]
Satan: I'm very happy with my life now.
Saddam: Here. [slips a key into Satan's hand] I'm at the bargain hotel on Monte Vista. Room 16.
Satan: No, Saddam! I won't be needing this!
Saddam: D'oh, I know you won't. But just keep it, just in case. It was good seeing you again, Satan. Goodnight. [to Chris, still inside the condo] Goodnight, pussy! I mean, Chris!
Chris: [off screen] Goodnight [Satan looks torn]
Scene Description: Rome, St. Peter's Square. A phone rings somewhere and someone answers
Voice: Hello. Your Excellency? [the scene switches to the church in South Park. The voice is Sister Anne's] This is Sister Anne, the Bleeding Eyes of Jesus, calling from the United States?
Secretary: Yes, I understand you want to speak-a wit the pope.
Sister Anne: Yes. The priest here has been telling the children some pretty radical things, and I just wanted to see what the Church thinks about Jews and the mentally handicapped.
Secretary: Yes, well the pope is here, but please keep it brief. He is a-very old. [the secretary hands the phone over to the pope, who is seated in a throne inside a tiny temple at one end of the cathedral]
The Pope: Heh??
Sister Anne: Hello, His Holiness. I want to ask you about people with mental disabilities.
The Pope: Heh?
Sister Anne: Do mentally-challenged people go to hell?
The Pope: [soft] Ehhhhh, what's that you say? [loud] Heh?!
Sister Anne: [enunciates] Handicap. Mental handicap.
The Pope: [flaps his lips around with his tongue] Fibibiibibibibiibibih.
Sister Anne: [waits, then] ...The priest here said that people with mental handicaps might end up in hell. Is that true?
The Pope: [snores, then] Eh-bibibiibibibibiibibibih. [Sister Anne says nothing.]
Scene Description: South Park Avenue, day. Stan, Cartman, and Kenny are at a crosswalk waiting for the light to turn green
Stan: Come on! This stupid light won't change.
Token: [arrives, followed by Butters, Clyde, and Bebe] Come on! Hurry up! [sees the other three boys] Hey, what are you guys doin'?
Stan: We're goin' to church. We've sinned and so we have to confess again.
Butters: Uh us too. Uh we saw a picture of a naked lady. We could see her whole beaver.
Clyde: Yeah. If we died right now, we'd have unclean souls and we'd burn in hell. [the crosswalk light turns green]
Stan: Uh, come on, let's go. [the kids begin to cross the street, Kenny first, but...]
Kenny: (Yow!) [a tour bus slams into Kenny and takes him away. The other kids freeze where they are, petrified]
Stan: [finally reacts, shrilly] ...Oh my God, they've killed Kenny!
Butters: He had sins that he didn't confess!
Cartman: And he never took Communion!
Stan: He's doomed.
Clyde: ...We've gotta get to that church before we die.
Cartman: Yeah. [the kids make their way slowly across the street]
Scene Description: Hell, River Styx Condominiums, night. Satan and Chris are in bed in the dark. Chris is trying to arouse Satan, but Satan doesn't move
Chris: [grabbing Satan's privates] Yeah. [moves up to Satan's left shoulder] That's hot. [then to the right one] You take it! [Satan turns on the lights as Chris makes his way down to his crotch] You take it now!
Satan: Chris, what are you doing?
Chris: I'm just... I'm just trying to be a little more naughty in bed. I uh... I know that's what you like about sex with Saddam. I'm just... showin' you that I can be that way, too.
Satan: Oh boy.
Chris: [resumes his naughtiness] Uh huh. Yeah. You like that, don't you, bitch? [Satan begins to grimace] I'm a bad boy. Yeah. Take that.
Satan: Chris, just... don't... don't do that.
Chris: But it turns you on.
Satan: No, it's a- When Saddam did it, yeah, but uh...
Chris: But what?
Satan: Nothing. I just- I'm just- really tired is all. Can we- just, please go to sleep? [Chris looks let down] Chris, seriously. I'm just tired, okay?
Chris: [closes his eyes] Okay. I love you, Satan.
Satan: I love you too, Saddam.
Satan, Chris: [immediately react] Wuh?!
Satan: Waw. Uhuh. I'm sorry, I mean, Chris. [grimaces]
Chris: It's okay. It's okay. I, uh, I, I understand. ...I do.
Satan: I just need to go get some air. okay? I'll be back... really quick. [gets out of bed and leaves]
Chris: Yeah. Sure. Okay.
Scene Description: South Park, the church, day. The kids race towards the church
Cartman: Come on, hurry up! [Stan reaches the door]
Stan: [tries to open it] Oh no! It's locked!
Cartman: [moves in and tries to open it] What? No! It shouldn't be locked! We have to confess! We have to confess our sins before we die!
Butters: Hey, there's a window in the back that's usually open. [the kids go around to the back of the church, find the window, and climb in]
Stan: [sees something off to the side] Confession box is over there! [moves towards it]
Cartman: I'm first, I'm first! [trips Token and runs past Stan. Token quickly gets up and walks with the others. Cartman opens the penitent door and sees a woman with her exposed ass up against the partition]
Woman: Oh, huhuh.
Cartman: [closes the door] What the? [opens the priest's door. Priest Maxi, in a sexual act with the woman on the other side, looks out and grins. The kids look back in horror, and his face changes]
Priest Maxi: Whoa! [turns and faces the partition while zipping up his pants] Son of a bitch!
Woman: [flits out of the penitent side] Eh, heheheheheheh.
Priest Maxi: [exits] Uhuh. Kids, uh.
Stan: You're a sinner!
Cartman: You're doing unnatural things in the house of God!
Priest Maxi: Oh! Huh huh. Huh huh. [drops to his knees and prays] Oh, forgive me, heavenly Father! I've sinned against you!
Cartman: Oh, this guy is so gonna burn!
Priest Maxi: M-Mrs. Donovan is a temptress from hell! [begins to weep]
Stan: Dude, if this guy's goin' to hell, who's gonna save us?
Cartman: Well, it looks like we're gonna have to save Timmy, Kyle, and everyone else in this town from the angry hand of God ourselves!
Scene Description: Hell. Satan walks down its streets
Damned Soul: Oh, the pain! Oh, the pain! [Satan stops and looks at the key Saddam gave him. The handle looks like a coffin]
Satan: [lowers the key] No, I can't. [in front of him is the Bargain Hotel] What am I doing? I know this is the wrong thing to do. I could lose Chris. I can't do this. [turns around and walks away] I can't do this. [stops and turns back]
Scene Description: South Park, day. A street corner. Cartman holds court on a soapbox. At least 17 other kids surround him. Some adults look at the action from across the street
Cartman: We have-uh repeatedly broken God's commandments-uh! We have lived our lives for ourselves-uh! Totally ignoring the Lord-uh! [Chef and Mr. Garrison arrive] If thy hand offend thee, cut it off! [Stan's parents and the nun are there] It is much better for thee to enter into life maimed-
Randy: Oh, what the hell are they doing now?!
Cartman:
Sister Anne: [steps up] Oh no.
Cartman:
Stan: [passes out material] Pamphlet. Pamphlet. [from a child's view, the pamphlet is seen. It's called "Kids Against Hell" and has a quote from Ezekiel 5:10. It is soon lowered for a good shot at the growing crowd of kids at the street corner]
Cartman: There is only one answer! As kids we must abandon this town of sin and start anew!
Heidi: I don't wanna to go to hell. [joins the kids, leaving her parents stunned]
Cartman: It will be a long road, but at the end of that road is Salvation! And I am going to lead you there!
Scene Description: End of Do The Handicapped Go To Hell? - To Be Continued...


Scene Description: 'Recap:Priest Maxi is shown at the church podium before the congregation
Announcer: Previously on South Park...
Priest Maxi: Today, we are going to talk about hell. [an organ swells into a dreadful chord. The boys are afraid]
Scene Description: Hell, River Styx Condominiums. Saddam appears at Satan's door
Saddam: Hello, Satan! [opens his arms wide and grins big. He has two suitcases, one on either side of him]
Satan: [stunned] Saddam...
Scene Description: Broflovski residence. Sheila and Kyle are talking
Sheila: Us Jews don't believe in hell.
Kyle: But what if we're wrong?
Scene Description: South Park Avenue, day. The kids begin crossing the street
Stan: Let's go. [the kids begin to cross the street, Kenny first, but a tour bus slams into Kenny and takes him away. The other kids freeze where they are, petrified]
Stan: [finally reacts, shrilly] ...they've killed Kenny!
Butters: He had sins that he didn't confess!
Scene Description: Hell, River Styx Condominiums, dinner. Saddam tries to arouse Satan under the table. Satan swats Saddam's arm away
Satan: No, Saddam, I told you. I'm with Chris now.
Scene Description: Church rectory. Priest Maxi is talking to the boys
Priest Maxi: Boys, it is your Christian duty to save the souls of your friends!
Scene Description: Hell, River Styx Condominiums, bedtime. Satan and Chris are in bed
Chris: [closes his eyes] I love you, Satan.
Satan: I love you too, Saddam.
Satan/Chris: [immediately react] Wuh?!
Scene Description: Pacific Ocean. A man drives a speedboat. Richie Cunningham, Ralph Malph, and Potsy Weber go along for the ride, and Arthur Fonzarelli stands behind the boat on water skis. Wait...
Richie: Fonz, there's no way you can jump that shark with your water skis. [A buoy ring contains a shark, and a larger red buoy warns "DANGER" in white letters]
Fonzie: Aaaay! I've gotta try, Richie.
Scene Description: Church confessional, day. Cartman opens the penitent door and sees a woman with her exposed ass up against the partition
Woman: Oh, huhuh. [Cartman opens the priest's door. Priest Maxi, in a sexual act with the woman on the other side, looks out and grins]
Stan: Dude, if this guy's goin' to hell, who's gonna save us?
Cartman: Well, it looks like we're gonna have to save everyone in this town ourselves!
Scene Description: Beach. Richie, Potsy, Ralph, and Joanie are on the shore watching the boat driver take Fonzie on his stunt. On shore is a sign posted on a pair of surfboards that reads "GO FONZ!!!"
Joanie: Go Fonz!!!
Fonzie: Aaaaaa- [the image freezes in place, so that Fonzie is suspended in mid-air]
Announcer: And now the exciting conclusion of... South Park.
Fonzie: [action resumes]-aaaaaayy-err. [lands inside the buoy ring; the shark catches and eats him live. The shark rises out of the water with Fonzie still in its mouth] No! [the shark drops and rises again] No! [...and again...] No! [a pool of blood develops inside the buoy ring] No!
Richie: I told him he couldn't do it. [the other three on shore look on stunned]
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, playground. Cartman stands on a platform and is preaching to the kids
Cartman: I am saying this because we must be saved-uh. The Lord is powerful and he will smote the sinners and send them to everlasting hell-uh. If you do not live your life for Him-uh, then to the lake of fire you shall go-uh! [a group of adults gathers just outside the rear school doors. Kyle joins Cartman on the platform...]
Principal Victoria: ["'Well, God is gonna heal those eyes, and save you from the devil begone! Oh, praise His name!"] You see that, parents? Your children have refused to come into class since this morning. I'm afraid your son is the leader, Ms. Cartman. ["But do you believe in the power of God?"] Apparently he's read the entire Bible, and now he's scaring the hell out of everyone.
Liane: [gently calls out] Boopie-kins. ["Do you believe he is gonna cure your face of the uglies?"] It's time to stop preaching damnation to everyone, sweetie. [Cartman stops]
Stan: [joins Cartman on the platform] Don't you guys, um... persecrute our religious beliefs.
Kids: Yeah!
Sharon: We are not trying to persecute you kids, but you're supposed to be in school.
Stan: What purpose does school have? The Bible says the only goal in this life is to praise God and get into heaven.
Kyle: Yeah, this life is short. The afterlife is forever.
Principal Victoria: Don't listen to them, kids. You have to go to school.
Cartman: Many of you knew Kenny McCormick. He was a playful school-going eight-year-old. And then yesterday, he was [throws himself down face-first] smacked down by the Lord-uh! [rises] God bitch-slapped him right to the fiery depths of hell! So when will you go? Tomorrow? Ten years? Does it mattah?! No! Because unless you give this life to the Lord, that life belongs to Satan-uh! [kids gasp, adults go glum] But we cannot worship God in that church where that priest of sin resides, [Kyle has left and now returns with an easel with a picture of a church on it] so we will build a new church-uh. With crystal walls, a ceiling 80 feet high, and a slide that connects this part hmya [near the top of the left-side wall] to this part hmya. [the grass down below] Who will help us?
Kids: [in unison] I will.
Cartman: Praise God-uh!
Scene Description: Hell, River Styx Condominiums. Satan is seen looking at the Bargain Hotel Saddam is in
Satan: If I go spend the night with Saddam, then it's over between me and Chris. [looks at Saddam's room key] Chris has been so nice to me and I know Saddam will just hurt me again. [looks at it again] M-maybe I'll just go talk to Saddam. I need closure, yeah. That's it, I need closure. [advances to the hotel, to room 16, then turns around with second thoughts] What am I doing? [takes a step when the room door opens]
Saddam: [in evening suit] What took yo so long, baby?
Satan: [turns around] Saddam, I'm just here to talk.
Saddam: Great! Let's talk! [Saddam enters. Saddam rushes to the bed and sits on it, stroking the covers] Hmm, this bed is comfy-bumpy.
Satan: Saddam, I only came here because I need closure.
Saddam: Sounds fun. You know me, I'll try anything.
Satan: No! Saddam, listen to me.
Saddam: Would you like a drink?
Satan: Um, maybe just... a little one. [Saddam serves him a drink] I have to go back soon. I need you to understand that we can't be together anymore. [Satan turns on the TV and a video of a group of men is shown. A sheriff lowers his pants before a kneeling skinhead. Other men are singing, chanting, moaning] I need you to not come by the condo and not try to see me. Chris thinks we can all be friends, but I don't. And I have to focus on Chris now. [just now notices the video] What is this?
Saddam: These hotels have all kinds of crazy channels.
Satan: Saddam, will you listen to me?! Chris is a great person. He's the one I wanna be with now.
Saddam: [knowingly] Really? So then... What are you doing here? [Satan has no answer. He just looks down and away] Well, I don't know about you, but this video is gettin' me pretty hot!
Satan: [hurt] Saddam...
Saddam: Here, have another drink. [Satan takes it and swallows it down]
Scene Description: Hell, Bargain Hotel, Saddam's room. Satan is sleeping away peacefully
Satan: [wakes up] Ooh, whoa... God, my head. Drank too much. [looks to his left] Chris? [the camera zooms out to show Saddam, dressed in leather straps, looking at him lovingly. Five different kinds of dildos and a whip are seen. Satan quickly sits up] Oh no!! [scans the room and sees more sex toys, including an auto club, an Antonio Banderas blow-up doll, a penis pump, and a goat tied to a lamp]
Saddam: [snuggling up] Man, look at that! We went through 14 bottles of vegetable oil! [tosses the last one off the bed.] Ewuh, I'm all greasy.
Satan: [leaves the bed] Oh God, what time is it?
Saddam: Last night was awesome! Are we together again now?
Satan: I don't know. I-I guess so, but now I have to go home and tell Chris.
Saddam: Screw him!!
Satan: No, Saddam! I at least owe him an explanation! [walks towards the door] I just don't know what I'm gonna say. [the door opens and closes. Satan is gone]
Saddam: I know how to solve this little problem.
Scene Description: Baja California coast, Mexico, day. The camera pans slowly to the right.
Driver: [off-screen] We are now entering Ensenada, the second largest city on the Mexican Baja Peninsula. [the tour bus is seen making its way through Ensenada] We have now traveled over 2000 miles since leaving New York City. We'll just be stopping here for a few moments for gas, and then our tour will continue onto its final destination. [two gas station attendants approach the bus. One of them notices something]
Attendant: Oiga. Hay algo pegado bajo el autobus. ["Listen. There's something stuck under the bus."]
Driver: 'Kay. What's stuck to the bottom of the bus? [the attendant takes his mop and jabs at the bottom of the bus, and Kenny finally drops down]
Kenny: (Ahow..!)
Driver: Oh, goodness! We must have run over a little Mexican further up north. Is it okay? [Kenny sits up and shakes his dizziness off]
Attendant: Pienso que sí. ["I think so." Kenny stands up]
Driver: Well, here's fifty for the gas. [starts the bus and drives off] Adios.
Kenny: (Where am I?)
Attendant: ¿Qué?
Kenny: (Where am I?)
Attendant: ¿Qué?
Scene Description: South Park, day. Cartman's blueprint for his church is shown, then the camera pans right to show the actual construction. A bunch of kids work on the structure, using all sorts of things, including mirrors for wall panels.
Cartman: This is bea-utiful. Thine church is almost completed.
Stan: There's no way God will want to send us to hell now.
Kyle: Yeah, this church kicks a- Eh... I-it kicks!
Gerald: [shows up with Sheila, behind the boys] Hello, boys. [they turn around]
Kyle: Don't try to take me away again, Mom and Dad! I told you! I renounced the Jewish faith!
Sheila: It's not that, Kyle. It's just that Eric's mother needs to see you all right away. [Stan, Cartman and Kyle look at each other, suspicious] Just really quick; she says it's very important.
Cartman: Very well. Yea. Guys, let us walk to mine home and see what mine mom wants. [the boys turn left and walk towards Cartman's house]
Sheila: I sure hope this works.
Scene Description: Cartman residence, later. Cartman, Stan, and Kyle enter. Dialog from "Not Without My Anus," set to an organ and canned laughter, is heard as the boys make their way across a living room littered with toys of all sorts. The room is decorated so that the boys would forget their "mission" and just play for one afternoon. Liane shows up with a Cartman favorite.
Liane: Hello, kiddies. I made you all powdered doughnut pancake surprise.
Stan: Wow, cool.
Cartman: No! This is a trick! Do not vex me, O temptress!
Liane: What?
Cartman: This is a distraction from our work on the church! [grabs a doughnut] Do not think that you can tempt us with toys [takes a bite out of his doughnut] and new games [munches away] and tidings of powdered doughnut pancake surprise! For it is the afterlife we have concerned ourselves with! [finishes the doughnut off] Not the pleasures of this Earth, but salvation in the world aftah!!
Stan: Yeah!
Liane: Oh. Well, [sets the dish on the sofa and walks away] alrighty then.
Scene Description: Kitchen, moments later. Liane enters. Sister Anne waits with Stan's and Kyle's parents
Liane: I... don't think it worked.
All: Aww.
Scene Description: Living room, moments later.
Cartman: Let us get back to our work at the church. [the phone rings] Yea. I shall answer the phone, hyah. [answers it] Hello?
Kenny: [from a pay phone next to Papas & Beer in Ensenada] (Cartman?! Cartman, you've gotta help me, and I'm not foolin' around!)
Cartman: [grins mischievously, then] Oh my God!!
Stan: What?
Cartman: It's Kenny. He's calling from beyond the grave!
Stan: Kenny?! [move towards the phone] What's he say?
Kyle: [moves next to Stan] Ask him what hell is like.
Cartman: Kenny! You have to tell us about hell! Give us every last horrible detail!
Kenny: (Um...) [mariachi music is heard, and the street is lively enough]
Scene Description: Hell, River Styx Condominiums. Satan has returned, and is outside the door to his condo
Satan: Oh, God, Chris is gonna be so mad at me. Well, here it goes. [opens the door and enters. Chris is sitting alone on the sofa reading a book]
Chris: Hey, you.
Satan: Hi, Chris. [closes the door]
Chris: You... were out all night.
Satan: Yeah, I just... spent the night walking around the marina.
Chris: Satan. You know you're not a very good liar. You went and saw Saddam, didn't you?
Satan: [low voice] Yes. [covers his face in shame]
Chris: [approaches] Satan, I understand.
Satan: [drops his left arm and looks surprised] What?
Chris: I still feel secure and safe with you.
Satan: [walks away exasperated] Oh, n-no!
Chris: [puzzled] What? What's wrong? I said it's okay.
Satan: I know.
Chris: Well, what more do you want from me?
Satan: [turns around] Well... could you not be such a pussy about it? I mean, can't you just say "If you ever see Saddam again, I'll break your legs!" or, or "I'm gonna go kick Saddam's ass!" or something?
Chris: Satan, I'm a '90s man. I cry when I need to. I share my feelings and I keep my mind open about everything.
Satan: Just... give me some boundaries, be jealous, go throw a football around, for Christ's sake.
Chris: [sits down on the sofa] Now you're starting to hurt my feelings.
Satan: [turns away] Ah-I'm sorry, Chris, it's... it's not you, really, it's, it's me. [Saddam pops up outside the window and checks out the situation, then drops down] You're the best thing that's ever happened to me, and for some reason, I just can't accept that. [Saddam slides the window open and drops in behind the sofa, making his way to Chris]
Saddam: [pops up behind Chris with a dagger] Die, pussy! [rams it into Chris's forehead]
Chris: Agghhh!
Satan: [turns around] Chris! [advances] Saddam, what the hell are you doing?!
Saddam: [a dead Chris lies slumped against the sofa's arm] There. I got rid of the problem for you. Now there's no conflict.
Satan: [distraught, buries his face in his hands] No! Not like this..!
Scene Description: South Park, day. Cartman's church is finished. Red carpet, purple doors... His new followers are gathered inside
Cartman: [on stage wielding a Bible] Friends, I have to tell you that last night I received a phone call from beyond the grave-eh. [the kids gasp] It was our departed friend, Kenny! Calling from the depths of hell! And he described what hell is like in horrid detail-uh. [the kids are frightened] He said that in hell, the smell is awful. He said that in hell, everyone speaks Spanish.
Kids: Wagghh..!
Cartman: He said there is water in hell, but if you drink it you pee blood out your ass for seven hours-uh!
Kids: Whoa!
Cartman: And perhaps worst of all, in hell, there are dozens and dozens of little trinket stores! But they all have the same little trinkets in them-eh!
Kids: Wagghh! [a couple enters the church]
Father: Where is our daughter?
Heidi: [steps into the aisle] Dad?
Father: Marcy! You're coming home this instant!
Cartman: [quite animated, hops twice] We are saving your daughter from the clutches of hell, suh! [points]
Father: You're not gonna make my daughter part of your cult!
Cartman: Your daughter could die tomorrow, and then what?!
Father: [a piece of wood falls from the roof] You're just a stupid little fat kid who thinks that- [jab] Aagghh-! [the piece of wood falls off the man's head and rests behind him]
Mother: Stephen? [the kids are shocked; she genuflects next to him] Stephen, no!
Cartman: The Lord has spoken again-uh! O, forgive us, Lord, for our sins-uh!
Kids: Forgive us, Lord.
Cartman: Let us pray. [an organ is played] Heavenly Father, do not send us to hell. We're sorry. Whatever we did, we're sorry.
Mother: [in a panic] Stephen? Stephen?
Scene Description: Hell, waiting area. Many souls are there, wondering where they are, and why
Stephen: Where... where am I?
Man: Where are we?
Man 2: No doubt about it...
Woman: What's happening??
Man 3: Oooooooooh!
Speaker: Hello, newcomers, and welcome. Can everybody hear me? [taps the mic a few times] Hello? Can everyb-? Okay. [the crowd quiets down] Uh, I'm the hell director. Uh, it looks like we have about 8,615 of you newbies today, and for those of you who are a little confused, uh, you are dead, and this is hell, so, abandon all hope and uh yada yada yada. Uh, we are now going to start the orientation process, which will last about-
Man 4: Hey, wait a minute, I shouldn't be here. I was a totally strict and devout Protestant! I thought we went to heaven!
Hell Director: Yes, well I'm afraid you were wrong.
Soldier: I was a practicing Jehovah's Witness.
Hell Director: Uh, you picked the wrong religion as well.
Man 5: Well, who was right? Who gets into heaven?
Hell Director: I'm afraid it was the Mormons. Yes, the Mormons were the correct answer.
Crowd: [disappointed] Awww.
Hell Director: So now I'd like to quickly introduce your new ruler and master for eternity, Satan.
Satan: [appears in a burst of flame] Oooyeah!
Crowd: Aaggghh!
Satan: Now you are all part of my domain! Everyday in hell grows larger as my minions... my m-minions uh... [relents] muh, I'm sorry. I just can't do this today. I'm just... I'm sorry. [walks away. The crowd's eyes follow him. A woman throws her hands up]
Hell Director: Uh, okay. Thank you, Satan. Now, uh, let's begin with the Muslims...
Chris: [in the crowd] Satan! [Satan turns and sees him, then smiles. Chris makes his way through the crowd] 'Scuse me. Excuse me.
Satan: Chris! [he and Chris now stand before each other] But I thought you were dead!
Chris: Yeah, well, where was I gonna go? Detroit?
Satan: Chris, I didn't mean for Saddam to stab you in-
Chris: Hey, it's alright. All that matters is that I'm back, and we're together forever. Right?
Satan: Uh... yeah. Gr-great.
Crowd: Awww.
Scene Description: Cartman residence, night. Cartman is working at a coffee table in the living room with Clyde Frog and a Bible
Cartman: Let's see... Matthew 15:11. "Not that which goeth into the mouth defileth a man; but that which comes out of the mouth defileth a man." That's a good one, Clyde Frog. Interesting. [Sister Anne approaches]
Liane: [enters] Eric, Sister Anne has come to visit you.
Cartman: Yea. It is nice to see you, Sister, but I must prepare for my next sermon. [Liane leaves]
Sister Anne: [sits] Eric, you need to stop what you're doing. You need to tell all the kids to go back to school, and back to their normal lives.
Cartman: Sister, have you read this book?
Sister Anne: Yes, Eric. A lot more than you have.
Cartman: Then you know what it says happens to those who don't follow the Lord-uh.
Sister Anne: Eric, the Lord just doesn't send everybody to hell. That wouldn't make sense. He wants people to live their lives.
Cartman: Are you saying that what the Bible says isn't true?
Sister Anne: No.
Cartman: We've got Jews and perverts and bullies and all kinds of sinners in this town, Sister Anne-uh! And without the priest we've decided to save ourselves. The only ones that kids can trust now are me and Jesus! [resumes his work]
Sister Anne: [exasperated, drops her head in her hands] Uugh..! [lifts her head] Wait a minute. That's it. [rises and walks away]
Televangelist: [suddenly on TV] ...And I'm gonna save all of you right now. [raps a woman on the head. She goes unconscious] I'm gonna heal your sins-eh.
Cartman: Well...
Scene Description: Hell, Bargain Hotel. Chris approaches and goes to Room 16, and knocks on the door
Saddam: Hello Satan-ooh, crap! It's you!
Chris: Yeah. It's me.
Saddam: I thought I killed you!
Chris: Yeah...
Saddam/Chris: Well, where was I gonna go? Detroit?
Saddam: Right, right.
Chris: Do you have a couple of minutes to go for a walk?
Saddam: A walk?
Chris: Yeah. Just real quick. Around the park or somethin'.
Saddam: [considers it] Is this some kind of trick?
Chris: No, I just want you to go for a quick walk with me. Please?
Saddam: Well, alright. Just let me grab somethin' real quick. [goes inside humming and reaches his dresser. He sees the dagger and takes it with him behind his back, then rejoins Chris] Okay, let's walk. [Chris walks while Saddam closes the door]
Scene Description: Hell, the park. Saddam and Chris walk side by side
Chris: Saddam, I get the feeling that you don't like me very much.
Saddam: Gee, whatever gave you that idea? When I stabbed you in the head?
Chris: Look, Satan is a very important person to me. And I know he's an important person to you, too. So don't you think it's best for us to just... try and get along? I realize that some things about me bother you. So I'd like to hear what those things are so that I can work on them.
Saddam: You know why I don't like you, Chris? Because you're the kind of guy who, if someone didn't like him, would take him for a walk in the park and ask him why. You're a pussy! [takes his dagger out and slices into Chris's right shoulder]
Chris: Agghhh! [Saddam goes into a grave, takes out a shovel, and slices off Chris's lower right leg. Chris falls down] Oh God!
Saddam: Ah hahaha!
Chris: Nooo! Agh! [reaches into his right shoulder, takes the dagger, and thrusts it into Saddam's left eye]
Saddam: Aggghhh! [swings the shovel at Chris and strikes him down with it]
Chris: Ow! [Saddam jumps on him and pulls his heart out of his body] Goo-aagh..! [Saddam holds the heart high in the air, then collapses on top of Chris's body. The camera zooms out]
Scene Description: Cartman's church, next day. The child congregation is gathered again at the church. Organ music plays
Cartman: Today this Jewish boy and all sinners are going to be saved-uh! Kyle, do you believe in God-uh?
Kyle: Yes!
Cartman: Do you want to be saved from hell-uh?!
Kyle: Yes!
Cartman: That's good, because right now, all the Jewness is comin' out of your body, bein' replaced by the Spirit of God-uh! [smacks him on the face] Theah!
Kyle: [angrily] Ow! [rubs his right temple and cheek while Cartman talks]
Cartman: Praise God! How do you feel now? Do you feel the light of God inside o'ya?
Kyle: [softens] Uh, I think so.
Cartman: Praise the Lord-uh!
Crowd: [ad lib all at once] Praise the Lord. Hallelujah! Praise God! [two robed assistants help a happy Kyle off the stage]
Cartman: For he is Lord, he is Lord... Bring up the next person! [Timmy rolls up in his wheelchair] This boy has been crippled with sin-uh. But I hear God saying that this boy will walk!
Butters: Huh-Hallelujah!
Timmy: Timmiiiy!
Cartman: We are gonna save you and you are gonna walk with the Lord-uh!
Timmy: Timmiiiy!
Cartman: Devil be [smacks him on the face] gone-uh!
Timmy: Haagggh.
Cartman: Now walk, Timmih! [turns away dramatically, with eyes closed]
Timmy: Haagggh.
Cartman: [turns away, then back] Come on, Timmy, get out of that chair-uh!
Timmy: Haghh.
Cartman: The Lord wants you to walk, Timmih! Oo-walk, Timmih! [turns away dramatically, with eyes closed]
Timmy: Timmilih? [drops to the floor on his feet and stands unsteadily. Cartman smiles openly]
Cartman: He walks-uh!
Kids: Whoa!
Timmy: Oh-aagghhh! [falls forward and crashes through the floor head first. A beaming Cartman mistakes this for something good]
Cartman: Yes! Praise the Lord!
Kids: Praise the Lord!
Scene Description: Hell, River Styx Condos. Satan is talking to somebody outside
Satan: And now it's like there's one guy who's horrible to me but I'm totally sexually attracted to, and then one guy who's really nice to me but I'm not sexually attracted to at all.
JonBenét Ramsey: Wow, that really sucks.
Satan: I've asked everybody for advice, but nobody seems to know the answer.
JonBenét Ramsey: Well, there is one person who I always used to ask when I needed advice.
Satan: Who?
JonBenét Ramsey: God.
Satan: [stunned] God?? I can't do that. I haven't spoken to God in like, 5000 years.
JonBenét Ramsey: Well then, maybe it's time.
Scene Description: Cartman's church, day. The child congregation is singing and clapping outside and inside. Timmy is back, with a bandaged head
Kids: Do dodo dum do dodoDo dodo dum do dodo
Cartman: For he is LordLord, Lord, LordWhere are you from, little boy? [this boy wears glasses]
Boy: Denver.
Cartman: And God is telling me that you have... bad eyesight. Is that it?
Boy: Yeah, that's right.
Kids: Wooooo!
Cartman: Well, God is gonna heal those eyes, and save you from the devil begone! [smacks the boy in the face and knocks him out]
Boy: Aghh... [two robed assistants carry him off]
Kids: Hooray!
Cartman: For he is LordLord, Lord, LordRight here we have a little girl who is very, very ugly! Do you believe he is gonna cure your face of the uglies?!
Ugly Girl: Yes!
Cartman: He is gonna take that ugly face and make you reasonable to look at! [smacks her on the face] Bah!
Ugly Girl: Wagh...
Cartman: [moonwalks] Bwolololololololololololo! Oh, good Lord, somebody say "Amen!"
Kids: Amen! [the pianist is shown, with a girl singing next to him]
All: Lord, Lord, Lord
Scene Description: A flash of white, and the light dims enough to show clouds roiling in the sky. Satan comes up quickly, and then stops. This is heaven. A group of Mormon souls gather around him
Mormon 1: Hi hi, welcome to heaven, brother. You've followed the Mormon faith, and so you've been let in!
Satan: Uh, actually, I'm just stopping by.
Mormon 2: Well, you've picked a great time! We've got cookies and punch and we're just about to start playing charades.
Mormons: [ad lib all at once] Alright. Yeah.
Mormon 1: And then, Brother Stephen's brought his guitar so we can sing songs about how much it hurts to lie.
Mormons: Ooooh!
Mormon 3: Yeahahah!
Satan: Ah, look, I just need to talk with God. Is he around?
Mormon 2: Sure. All you have to do is say his name and he's there.
Mormon 1: I'm so grateful for that.
Mormons: [in assent] Me, too. Uh huh.
Satan: Great. Thanks. [walks off]
Scene Description: Heaven, a separate area. Satan walks into it and turns to the camera
Satan: [clears his throat] Ah... Hello? G-God? It's uh... Satan. [quickly shields his eyes as a sphere of light descends towards him]
God: [in silhouette] Yea. Look upon me, and know me.
Satan: Hi, God.
God: Hello, Satan. [has a body made from bits of some of the creatures he created] It's... been a long time.
Satan: Yeah.
God: What brings you here? Do you wish to mount your unholy war against heaven?
Satan: No, I have a problem, and I... need your advice.
God: You want to rule more than hell? You want to destroy the Earth?
Satan: No, it's kind of a long story but, well, it all started when this Iraqi dictator, Saddam Hussein, [God scratches behind his left ear] was killed by a pack of wild boars. I remember when I first met him in hell. It was a lovely morning in April...
Scene Description: Cartman's church, day. Cartman leads the kids in singing and rolls on his back a few times.
Cartman: Hallelujah! Praise the Lord! And now, I'm receiving a message directly from God-uh! God is telling me that... each and every one of you is to walk up to the stage, and give me one dollar! [The clapping stops as confused faces appear in the congregation, and the music quiets a bit. Stan and Kyle look at each other as Cartman goes for the collection box] So I want everyone to feel the love of God by coming up heah, [sets the box at center stage] and putting a dollar in the box-ah! [kids begin to approach the stage] Come on, don't be shy! Come on now! [rolls on his back as the donations come in]
Stan: Dude, that seems kind of... weird.
Kyle: Yeah. I don't remember him saying anything about this.
Scene Description: Heaven, a separate area. Satan finishes his story
Satan: ...And now Chris and Saddam just keep killing each other over and over and... I don't know which one to pick.
God: [considers the story, then] Jesus, what the hell happened to you?
Satan: Huh?
God: You got kicked out of here for being a headstrong rebel. And now you're a whiny little bitch.
Satan: Well, I just don't know which one to pick.
God: No, you've become dependent on relationships. So you haven't even considered the option of not being with either of them. [Satan listens] And if you're not sexually attracted to someone, you're not ever going to be. But Saddam isn't right either. He's the other extreme. You need to spend time alone so that you can find the balance, the middle ground. That's what I always do, because I'm a Buddhist.
Satan: God, you're right. You know, I've had steady relationships for the last... thousand years, and when one ends I just start another one, but... I haven't taken the time to be secure with myself.
God: Bingo. [a fly gets near him and he snaps his tongue out to catch it and eat it]
Satan: Hey... Thanks, God. I forgot how clear you make things sometimes.
God: It was nice to see you again, Satan.
Satan: You too.
God: Goodbye. [turns into the sphere of light and flies up and away. Satan turns and walks off, but encounters the Mormons]
Mormon 2: Would you like to stay for some cookies and punch?
Mormon 1: Yes, would you?
Satan: Uh, no, I need to be getting back.
Mormon 2: Oh, alright then, but you're gonna miss our big play.
Mormon 4: Yes. We're going to do a play about how alcohol can ruin family life.
Satan: Wow. That sounds great, but uh, I really gotta go. [disappears in a burst of flames]
Mormon 1: Well, he seemed like a nice fellow.
Mormon 4: Yes. [a few seconds of silence follow]
Mormon 2: Let's go make things out of egg cartons.
Mormons: [ad lib] Oooh, yeah. I'll do that.
Scene Description: Cartman's church, day. The singing and clapping have resumed. Stan and Kyle go through some curtains to the back of the church.
Cartman: [offscreen] Yeess. [the camera looks at him, now rolling around shirtless in $1 bills, now grabbing a bunch and bathing in them] Yeess. [sees Stan and Kyle] It worked, you guys, it actually worked!
Stan: What worked?
Cartman: Eh-everybody bought the whole act! They keep giving and giving until we have it all!
Stan/Kyle: What?
Kyle: You're keeping that money yourself?
Cartman: Of course, you guys! And then we can make... ten million dollars! [grins big] Look, the tooth fairy thing didn't work, the boy band thing didn't last, so I tried this route.
Stan: Wait-wait-wait-wait-wait. You mean that this whole thing has just been a way for you to make ten million dollars?
Cartman: It all came to me days ago, when we were first in Sunday school.
Stan: [he and Kyle are now angry] Well, what about going to hell and all that?!
Cartman: Dude, if God is all-understanding, he wouldn't send us to hell. Even Sister Anne told me that.
Kyle: [points] Then why didn't you tell us?!
Cartman: My brain is of a much larger size than you guys's. I couldn't expect you to understand, not until you actually saw the cash flow!
Kyle: The only thing of yours that's larger in size is your big fat ass!
Cartman: [rolls around in the money] Suck my balls!
Stan: Dude, I an so disillusioned right now.
Scene Description: Somewhere in hell. Chris and Saddam are fighting once again. Saddam charges at him with a gray brick
Saddam: Die, pussy! [smashes the brick on Chris's head, and they both fall]
Chris: Ow..! [gets up, grabs one of Saddam's legs, and pulls it off]
Saddam: Aagghh! [gets up, grabs his leg back and beats Chris over the back with it. Chris falls on his face]
Chris: Aagghh! [grabs one end of the leg, and now it's a tug of war. Satan arrives and sees the battle]
Satan: Guys, guys, guys! [the two rivals stop and face him] Look, you both can stop fighting now! I've made a decision.
Chris: You have?
Satan: Yes. I... don't want to be with either one of you.
Chris/Saddam: What?!
Satan: Saddam, you're an asshole. And you'll never be the friend that I want. And Chris, well, you're a pussy. And you'll never be the lover I want. [Chris looks dejected] So I'm just gonna be alone for a while and learn to like myself. [Saddam sighs]
Chris: Satan. Can we go for a walk in the park?
Satan: No, I'm not going on a walk! You're a pussy, Chris, and you drive me crazy; go away!
Chris: Fine. [walks away]
Saddam: Hell, you can't leave me, Satan! I won't let you! [Satan is shocked]
Scene Description: Cartman's church, next day. Cartman holds forth. Stan and Kyle stand behind the collection box as kids stop by and put in their $1 donations
Cartman: Today is another day! And that's another dollar the Lord needs from you-uh! So come on up and give to the Lord-uh! [Sister Anne enters the church]
Sister Anne: [walking down center aisle] Alright kids, it's time to go. It's time for this to stop!
Cartman: Sister Anne is a blasphemer!
Sister Anne: I know you won't listen to me. That's why I brought somebody else. [steps aside. The curtains part. Jesus enters and walks down the aisle]
Kids: [in obvious awe] Wow!
Butters: Jesus!
Cartman: [worried] Uh-oh.
Jesus: Kids, you need to all stop spending all your time here and go back to school.
Cartman: [tugs on Jesus' robs, then softly] Jesus, ix-nay on the ool-schay.
Jesus: God doesn't want you to spend all your time being afraid of hell, or praising His name. God wants you to spend your time helping others, and living a good, happy life. That's how you live for Him.
Cartman: [goes for the collection box again] Ee-yes, by doing that, [brings it out] and, putting a dollar in the box-uh!
Bebe: Let's go ice-skating.
Girls: Yea! [leave their seats]
Butters: Uh, we can help Timmy learn how to ice-skate, too.
Boy: Yeah. [others leave their seats and vacate the church]
Cartman: [on his knees] No, come back! You face everlasting damnation! [the last congregant leaves the church] Wait! No! No! [pounds the floor with his fists a few times] I can't be cheated out of my ten million dollars again! God damnit!
Kyle: Serves you right, Cartman!
Stan: Yeah!
Jesus: But Eric, I think this time I have to teach you a lesson. I'm sending you somewhere to think about your sins!
Cartman: You're gonna send me to hell?
Jesus: No. Worse!
Scene Description: Ensenada, Mexico, day. Mariachi music plays in the background. A tour bus stops in front of Papas and Beer and drops Cartman off, then pulls away
Kenny: [rushes up to him] (Eric! Eric!)
Cartman: [sees Kenny] Aw, crap!
Scene Description: Hell, the park. Satan is strolling through the park in a happy mood
Satan: [encounters two men] Hi, Bob. Hi, Rick.
Rick: Hi, Satan.
Saddam: [waiting in the road] There you are!
Satan: [rolls his eyes] Awgh... Not again.
Saddam: You know you can't live without me. Now get that ass back to bed!
Satan: Saddam, I told you, I don't need you anymore!
Saddam: You can't leave me, Satan. Nobody leaves me.
Satan: Yes, I can! Raaarrr! [blasts a hole through Saddam with lightning from his index finger. Saddam falls]
Saddam: Aw, you little..prick!
Satan: Goodbye forever, Saddam!
Saddam: [coughs] What are you talking about? You can kill me, but I'll be back tomorrow.
Satan: Not this time. I asked a favor of an old friend of mine to let you in.
Saddam: Let me in where? [flames engulf Saddam and disappears]
Scene Description: Heaven, Saddam is whisked into it, as Satan was
Saddam: What the..? Hey, what the hell is this place?!
Mormon 5: Hello, and welcome.
Mormon 1: We're glad you made it, brother.
Saddam: Ey, who the hell are you?
Mormon 6: We're just about to do a play, about how much stealing hurts you deep inside. Come join us. [he and others crowd in on Saddam]
Mormons: [ad lib] Yes. Come on. Let's go.
Mormon 6: You're here forever. [the Mormons lift him up and carry him away over their heads]
Saddam: Nooo! N-nooooooooooo!