Scene Description: Park County Community Center, day. Inside, a meeting is being held featuring all the women of the town. On stage are Sharon Marsh, Strong Woman, Mayor McDaniels, Linda Stotch, Mrs. Testaburger, and a female police officer. Sheila is speaking at the podium.
Sheila: When I look out across this room, I see the backbone of our community. The women of this town need to stand together. [applause from the gathered women.] We're here, and we're proud, and it is time to let everyone know that the women of South Park should be treated the same as the men! [farts and begins to groan] Oh God! [farts and groans. Sharon, Strong Woman and the mayor cover their noses] Oh God! [she's helped off the stage by Mrs. Testaburger] Ohh, sorry. [vomits as she reaches the end of the table, getting some of it on Mrs. Testaburger's shirt]
Mrs. Testaburger: Ohoho-kay. [they head for the entrance]
Sheila: I'm alright. Oh... [starts having diarrhea, leaving a mess on her skirt and in the aisle. The audience is shocked and cover their noses]
Scene Description: Hell's Pass Hospital, day. Kyle is in the waiting room with Ike as their mom gets checked up.
Dr. Gauche: Hello boys. Your mommy has a bacterial infection called C. diff. It's very contagious.
Kyle: A bacterial infection? In her stomach?
Dr. Gauche: [sits down and shows Kyle his tablet.] All of us have trillions of microscopic critters that grow on and inside our bodies. Just like your mom. [a 3D x-ray of an adult female appears on the tablet's screen] There's tiny creatures that live in your mom's skin, on her eyelashes, in her vagina. But the good bacteria in mommy's tummy are being overrun by bad bacteria. [a 3D rendering of the intestinal tract with both good and bad bacteria floating around]. We can't use antibiotics, because that will kill all the good bacteria too. [a line wipes down on the 3D rendering, showing all the bacteria has now disappeared]
Kyle: So what can you do for her?
Dr. Gauche: We need to take a healthy person's microbiome and start to grow it inside your mother. [A 3D X-Ray is shown again, now with an image of poop in the corner] We do this with a fecal transplant. We'll get a donor's feces, mix it with water, and put it up your mom's anus. [the poop from the x-ray is shown moving up into the figure's rectum]
Kyle, Ike: Eeewww!
Dr. Gauche: Your mom is tough, kids. We're gonna do the very best we can, kids. Try not to worry. [walks away]
Kyle: Ike, if Mom lives, we can't let anyone ever know about this.
Scene Description: Food 4 Little, day. Upbeat music begins to play. Inside, Sheila is shopping with Ike. She grabs a bag of chips and puts it in the basket. She is dressed in workout clothing and begins to sing out loud
Sheila: I am shopping. I'm grocery shopping. I'm buying food for the people I love!
Laura: Sheila?
Sheila: [turns around] Oh, hi Laura.
Laura: My goodness, look at you. Ah, I thought you were sick.
Sheila: I was! But I had an amazing procedure.
Ike: [tugging on Sheila's sleeve] No no no no no no, Mommy, no no no no no no!
Sheila: I had a fecal transplant.
Ike: Oh, god damnit! [buries his face in his hands]
Mrs. Biggle: You had a what?
Sheila: A fecal transplant. It's when they take the feces of a healthy donor and place it in your anus. I feel like a million dollars!
Linda S.: [arrives] Sheila, is that you? I thought you were sick.
Sheila: I was! But I had a fecal transplant.
Ike: [in despair] Aaaaah!
Sheila: I'm telling you girls, it's solved every problem I've ever had. I've lost weight, I have more energy, I even think my arthritis is clearing up. [Ike takes the bag of chips and dumps it on the shopping store floor, then puts the bag over his head.]
Laura: Well, that certainly is... interesting.
Janice: You're looking great, Sheila!
Sheila: Thanks, Janice. Fecal transplant!
Scene Description: The Broflovski house, living room, day. Kyle enters with a package. When he gets to the sofa he opens it up and takes out its contents. Inside is a DVD titled "So Your Mom Had a Fecal Transplant". He pops it into the DVD player and turns on the TV. He sees a hummingbird pollinating a flower
Narrator: If you're watching this video, then your mom probably had a fecal transplant. [a close up of a young boy's eyes looking into the camera] And the one question on your mind is most likely "How do I keep my friends from ripping on me?" [the quote is then shown on screen]
Kyle: Yes!
Narrator: People make fun of what they don't understand. [a colorful clown is shown dancing onstage] So let's learn why your mom had a fecal transplant. It was to replace her [the screen freezes on the clown dancing and the word "microbiome" appears on screen] microbiome. Germs, bugs. [close up shots of these organisms are quickly shown] Thousands of organisms are all around you, all the time. That remote control you're holding. [Kyle looks at it] It's teeming with life. Bacteria and other organisms.
Kyle: Yuch. [tosses it away, then wipes his hands clean on his jacket.]
Narrator: They also live on your clothes.
Kyle: Yeesh.
Narrator: Small organisms are everywhere. Now, scratch your balls. [Kyle gets a puzzled look] Go on. [Kyle looks around] If you don't have balls, scratch whatever else might be down there. [Kyle puts his hands down his crotch and scratches] Now, smell your fingers. [Kyle smells his fingers] That smell is millions of living organisms that you just scraped from your crotch and are now going up into your nostrils. [Kyle grimaces, shows shock, and then shakes his head trying to get the image out of it] Your microbiome.
Kyle: Eewww!
Narrator: Creatures live in your teeth. They live on your eyelashes. On your skin. And trillions and trillions live inside your body. [Kyle looks alarmed. A 3D rendered chart of a human body is shown covered in colorful dots.] In fact, of all the cells in your body, only half are human cells [half of the dots move to the left of the screen and form a square]. The other half are all microscopic organisms. [the remaining dots move to the right, showing the figure as a skeleton]
Kyle: Aaagh! [runs off]
Scene Description: Café Monet, day. Sheila, Linda S., Laura, and Mrs. Biggle are seated at a table inside.
Laura: How was your salmon, Sheila?
Sheila: Oh it's amazing. You know I could never eat like this before. My allergy to shellfish has literally gone away.
Linda S.: Oh my gosh, that's so wonderful.
Mrs. Biggle: Oh. [giggles and clears her throat] That, that reminds me, so, Sheila, um, the girls and I were talking. Well, you seem so... great, and we thought how nice it would be for us to have a little bit of your poop.
Sheila: ... Um, what?
Laura: Well, thing is, we asked our doctors about getting fecal transplants too, and they said they only do them for "medical reasons," so we have to do them on our own.
Sheila: Oh heh, well, you know girls, if the doctor doesn't think it's safe, you probably shouldn't be doing DIY transplants.
Mrs. Biggle: No, that's very true, isn't it? We were just thinking that your microbiome is so healthy now [Laura nods], and it would be nice to share a little.
Sheila: Yeah. [stammers] I mean, i-it's not that I don't want to share everything with my friends, it's just uh, you know, uh, I'm sorry, it's uh, it just doesn't seem right.
Mrs. Biggle: And that is totally fine.
Laura: If it doesn't feel right, then it probably isn't right. [giggles]
Sheila: [feels her phone vibrate] Oh, this is Kyle. Sorry, girls, let me take this. [leaves the table]
The other ladies: Okay.
Mrs. Biggle: [moments later, when Sheila is out of earshot] That cunt! I told you she'd say no!
Laura: How much of a bitch can you be? Won't share your feces? Talk about anal-retentive!
Linda S.: [pounds her fist on the table] Fuck her! Fuck her!
Scene Description: The Broflovski house, Kyle's bedroom, night. Kyle tosses and turns in his sleep.
Kyle (voice-over): Half the cells in my body. Half...[a close up of multiple cells splitting] They're inside me right now. Alive. [multiple organisms floating] All over me. [a black bookcase is shown in a living room] The bookcase.
Kyle: [wakes up and sits upright] Aaah!
Scene Description: The boys' favorite eatery, day. The main four sit and eat burgers and fries.
Kyle: Do you guys have any idea what I'm saying?! Half the cells in our bodies aren't human! Right now there are alive creatures in your eyelashes and in your teeth!
Cartman: So?
Kyle: So?! Right now, that straw has a bunch of little bugs and they're going in your mouth and mixing with trillions of other little bugs that are alive inside you! You aren't even totally you!
Stan: Dude, Kyle, why are you talking about all this?
Kyle: Okay, guys, listen. My mom had a fecal transplant.
Cartman: [spits his soda out and laughs at him] Fecal transplant!
Mrs. Biggle: Hi Kyle. I'm Harriet, Henrietta and Bradley's mommy. I've been looking all over town for you.
Kyle: Why?
Harriet: Well, I went to the video game store and I bought this. [reaches into her purse and pulls out a game] Jedi: Fallen Order. It's getting great reviews. Thought you might want it.
Cartman: Whaaat?
Stan: Yeah, he wants it.
Harriet: Great. Could you do just one little thing for me, Kyle?
Kenny: (Yeah. He'll do anything.) [Kyle did not appreciate that]
Harriet: When you get back home, could you find a way to get a little of your mom's poop, and put it in this jar? [pulls out an empty mason jar]
Kyle: What?! Eww! No!
Cartman: Yes!
Harriet: I don't need much. I'm sure you can find a way to sneak it from her. You do that and the game is all yours.
Kyle: That is disgusting. Absolutely not!
Cartman: Kyle!
Harriet: Oh well, think about it. The offer stands. I heard you can customize your own lightsaber. [slides away]
Cartman: What is your problem?!
Kyle: What is MY problem?! I'm not gonna go steal my mom's shit!
Stan: Dude, you realize we won't get that game 'till Christmas. We could be playing it tomorrow.
Kenny: (TO-MORROW!)
Kyle: I said "no", and that's final!
Scene Description: The Broflovski house, night. Sheila goes into the bathroom to take a dump. Down in the basement, Stan, Cartman, and Kenny are messing with the plumbing. Stan peeks out through a grill, Cartman works on the drain removing the cleanout, and Kenny waits by an empty bucket
Stan: She's in. Kyle's mom just squatted in the toilet. [gets off his perch and walks over to Cartman]
Cartman: Okay, we've got contact. Are you ready with the bucket, Kenny?
Kenny: Got it. [brings it over]
Cartman: Place it directly under this pipe. [Kenny puts the bucket under the pipe, and Cartman adjusts its position] Alright. That should just about do it. [steps back] Now we just wait. For the flush.
Kenny: [a few seconds later] She's not flushing.
Cartman: That's good she's not flushing yet. That means she's got more serious business, and serious business is just what we're after.
Stan: You think she'll poop a big enough log? [Kyle appears on the steps behind them.]
Cartman: You see how fat Kyle's mom is? That bitch must poop at least two-pounders.
Kyle: The fuck are you doing?! [the others turn around]
Cartman: Oh, hey Kyle, What's going on?
Kyle: You are NOT stealing my mom's shit!
Cartman: Kyle, this is the world we're living in, okay? People are finding new and exciting ways to get healthy, and who are we to stand in their way? [behind him, two pieces of poop drop into the bucket]
Scene Description: Hell's Pass Hospital. Dr. Gauche talks to Kyle.
Kyle: It just freaks me out, Doc. [the doctor listens to Kyle breathing and heartbeat] We all have these... things... living inside our bodies, and everyone just seems fine with it. It's like, as soon as people learn they have microbiomes, the first thing they want to do is start swapping them.
Dr. Gauche: [puts his stethoscope around his neck and goes to wash his hands] Well, young man, the truth is we still don't know a lot about the microbiome, but you shouldn't let it "freak you out."
Kyle: But where does it stop?! Then, are people just gonna start wanting skinny people's microbiomes to be skinny? Or an athlete's microbiome to feel athletic and young again?
Dr. Gauche: Yes, it's possible, but we don't know enough. There is no superfeces which can make you athletic and young. [turns the faucet off and dries his hands]
Kyle: Well like, what about Tom Brady's poop?
Dr. Gauche: [turns around and faces Kyle. "The spice. He knows about the spice."]
Kyle: I'm just saying that Tom Brady seems to work really hard on his diet and stuff. His shit must be pretty good.
Dr. Gauche: [thinking, "More than pretty good. The spice mélange."]
Kyle: [uncomfortable from the hard stare] What?
Dr. Gauche: Nothing. [thinking, "It's unobtainable. The spice. But could he be the one to bring it here?"]
Scene Description: "One For The Ladies" resumes
Announcer: And now back to "One For The Ladies."
Scene Description: Linda S. and Laura walk down Main Street
Linda S.: Have you been in that store at all?
Laura: No. I think it's new, isn't it?
Linda S.: It used to be that watch store.
Laura: Oh my God. Harriet?
Harriet: [dressed in a tennis outfit, turns around] Oh, hi girls. What's new?
Linda S.: My goodness, look at you!
Laura: You look great! What happened?
Harriet: Fecal transplant. It's true what they say: I feel 20 years younger. [swings her tennis racket around]
A driver: [pulls up in his red sports car] Looking good, Mrs. B.
Harriet: Fecal transplant, Damon. Keep your eyes in the road!
Sheila: Harriet?
Harriet: Oh. Hey, Sheila. [smiles]
Sheila: You're looking chipper today.
Harriet: Yeah, I had a little procedure done. Fecal transplant.
Sheila: I though the doctor wouldn't give you a fecal transplant, Harriet.
Harriet: No, I... did it myself. With a turkey baster.
Sheila: Where did you get the feces?
Harriet: Well, it's really none of your business, Sheila. It's a private matter, a fecal transplant. I'd really rather not talk about it. See you girls! [walks off]
The other ladies: Bye, Harriet! [smile. But those smiles soon vanish.]
Laura: Two-faced bitch! You know what she said about you at lunch?
Sheila: What?
Linda S.: She called you the C-word!
Sheila: You're joking!
Laura: Oh no! Clearly she couldn't stand that you were the only one whose shit didn't stink.
Linda S.: Fuck her! Fuck her!
Scene Description: The counselor's office, day. Mr. Mackey has Kenny, Stan, and Cartman in for questioning.
Mr. Mackey: Boys, I brought you in here because some rumors are floatin' around the school, m'kay? These rumors are that you three somehow stole feces from Kyle's mom, m'kay, and gave it to Mrs. Biggle in return for "Jedi: Fallen Order."
Cartman: That is 100% untrue.
Mr. Mackey: M'kay, well someone in this school is a little turd burglar, and I want some answers!
Stan: How can answer that to which we have no knowledge?
Cartman: Very nice, very nice.
Mr. Mackey: It must be hard, having to take turns playing "Jedi: Fallen Order." It's a single-player game, I believe.
Cartman: Wouldn't know.
Mr. Mackey: Oh. Because... I could get you each your own copy. That would be a lot of fun, wouldn't it? You guys stole the poop. Could you do it again?
Stan: You want us to steal some of Kyle's mom's poop for you?
Mr. Mackey: Not Kyle's mom's. Someone else's.
Cartman: Whose?
Mr. Mackey: [thinking, "The spice. I must have it. The spice mélange."]
Scene Description: A New England Patriots press conference. Tom Brady comes out to speak to the cameras.
Tom: Alright. Alright, I'm... proud of our team today. It was uh... You know, I thought our defense did a great job keepin' us in the game, and again, I think the offense has a lot of room for improvement and all that... starts with me. Questions? Yeah.
Reporter 1: Can we have your poop?
Tom: No. Guys, I'm not gonna take any requests for my microbiome. I just wanna focus on the team. We're 10-1 now, you know, but, we can't let up. Yeah?
Sportwriter: Please, can we have your poop?
Tom: Okay, I'm not, I'm not gonna stay our here, you guys. It's just- Does anyone have a real question?
Reporter 2: Tom, after you leave here, are you gonna go eat somewhere or go right home and have a-
Tom: Nono, no. See, I'm not gonna tell you where I'm going, because you're all gonna try and follow me into the bathroom. You're not taking my feces, so unless you have a football question, we're done here.
Reporter 1: Can we buy your poop?
Scene Description: Kyle's bedroom, night. He's sleeping with the covers off. "Microbiome... inside me. They are inside me. Are they apart of me? When I eat, they eat. When I die, they consume me and continue to live. Am I just an Airbnb in Santa Clarita?" He wakes up, eyes glowing "They're not a part of me. They ARE me." He sits up and looks at his hands. They're teeming with microorganisms. "The bookcase. THE BOOKCASE.
Scene Description: Kenny, Cartman and Stan are sitting in Tom Brady's publicist's office. Kenny is in a wheelchair with an IV attached to him, wearing Patriots sports gear and holding a football in his lap. His hair is shown, but his eyes are shielded by the sports cap
Publicist: You have to understand. A lot of people want things from Tom Brady. He has to be a little protective.
Stan: Yes, we do understand. We just... well, since you're his publicist. we thought that... you could give Mr. Brady our message. [begins crying]
Cartman: [pats Stan on the shoulder] It's all right, Stan. Don't cry. You see, ma'am, our little friend Kenny here is dying, and he's... he's just the biggest Patriots fan.
Publicist: You know, I can call him, but he's very busy right now with the season.
Stan: Well if Mr. Brady could just, you know, have Kenny stay over at his house for a night.
Cartman: Kind of, like a Michael Jackson kind of thing. [Kenny mumbles something] Oh gosh, we're losin' him! We need to make this happen quickly, ma'am.
Publicist: [thinking, "They want the spice, just like the rest. Perhaps they are the ones."]
Cartman: Uh, ma'am?
Publicist: [thinking, A chance, perhaps... they could actually obtain the spice mélange."] Let me... see what I can do.
Scene Description: Café Monet. The ladies have gathered there for lunch again
Sheila: Girls, can I just say... you both look fantastic.
Laura: [chuckles] Oh, thanks, girlfriend. We've been working out and dieting, you know. Not cheating like that bitch Harriet.
Sheila: Well, it's great you guys are doing it the natural way. amd we don't have to deal with Harriet anymore. [the doors fly open and Harriet enters, having thrown up on herself.]
Harriet: There you are, you Goddamned bitch! I will take you to court, fat whore!
Sheila: Harriet, I do not like your tone.
Harriet: You knew I was gonna steal your poo, and so you tainted it, didn't you?!
Sheila: What are you talking about?
Harriet: I have been shitting and throwing up all day! It has to be from your feces!
Sheila: So you DID take my poo, huh, Harriet?!
Harriet: That's besides the point now!
Sheila: Oh, IS it? 'Cause the girls told me you called me the C-word the other day.
Harriet: Oh, you're all backstabbing bitches now?!
Linda S.: Fuck you, Harriet!
Male Diner: Oho. Okay ladies, come on.
Harriet: Just admit it! I can't stop puking and shitting because of what you did to me!
Laura: Oh. Gaw! [throws up, then shits herself]
Harriet: What the fuck?!
Linda S.: You thought you were such hot shit, Harriet! We took the leftover feces from your house and put it up our asses with a turkey baster! Oh! Oh God! [moves away from the table and projectile-vomits, then almost falls over as she projective-poops on other diners, then vomits on another table. Soon, Linda S. is also shitting and pooping on patrons.]
Scene Description: "One For The Ladies" resumes
Announcer: And now back to "One For The Ladies."
Scene Description: An alien landscape is shown. A monster with five jaws rises from it, roars, and goes back down into it, burrowing a hole. The camera zooms out and the landscape is just a piece of poo in a toilet somewhere. A man looks in the toilet before flushing it - it's Tom Brady. His doorbell rings and he turns to get it. Downstairs, the housekeeper answers the door and sees the three boys outside.
Cartman: Hello, ma'am. We are the darling children whose dying friend is all set to meet Tom Brady.
Mabel: [gravelly voice] I am Mabel Gonzales, the housekeeper. [thinking, "They're here for the spice. I can sense it."]
Cartman: [thinking, "I wonder why everyone keeps taking really long pauses after they talk."]
Stan: [thinking, "People just keep looking at me like I'm supposed to say something."]
Kenny: [thinking, "Why did I agree to this? I don't even have a machine to play Fallen Order on."]
Mabel: Come on in. Mr. Brady is just using the bathroom. [thinking, "Music to your ears, I suppose."]
Scene Description: Hell's Pass Hospital, day. The parking lot is filled with ambulances bringing in sick men and women from everywhere.
Dr. Gauche: We've got more sick incoming! Try and make some more room! [Moves over to Det. Yates] We have a major epidemic here, Detective. C. diff. has spread to half the town. We don't have enough staff or enough to supplies to keep up with it.
Yates: How does this happen?
Dr. Gauche: Apparently, the outbreak started at a restaurant when some women got sick on everybody. The women contracted C. diff. by giving themselves DIY fecal transplants.
Yates: So they got sick from another woman's feces?
Dr. Gauche: No, they got sick from using this, [holds up a turkey baster] A common household turkey baster. It's a thing most people use just once a year, around Thanksgiving. The rest of the year it just sits in a drawer collecting bacteria, and then the ladies went and stuck it up their asses.
Yates: Oh, those ladies!
Dr. Gauche: It gets worse. We're completely out of healthy donor feces. Even if we found a donor at this point, it wouldn't be enough to give everyone transplants.
Yates: So what happens next?
Dr. Gauche: With how contagious C. diff. is and how deadly, half of South Park is going to die.
Yates: [walks off] Jesus. What have those rascally ladies done?
Scene Description: Tom Brady's living room, day. The boys wait in the living room with a family and a sportswriter
Stan: So, you're all here to meet Tom Brady too?
Sportswriter: Yeah, I'm a sportswriter, getting a little interview. [thinking, "A little interview, and hopefully more."]
Mom: Yes, and we're here with our little girl who's dying, just like your friend.
Theresa: I'm dying, mommy?
Mom: Shut up, Theresa! [thinking, "The spice mélange. It is here in this house."]
Mabel: Everyone, the honorable Thomas Brady.
Tom: Hey, everybody. [moves to the middle of the room, in front of a bookcase]
Sportswriter: [jumps up with a knife to keep the others away from Tom] The rest of you, stand back! They all deceived you, Mr. Brady! They only want to get the spice mélange.
Tom: Oh God, not again. Alright, everybody out. Come on, let's go.
Cartman: Mr. Brady, can we just see your basement really fast?
Tom: Nope, nope, that's all. If you people want a healthy microbiome, then proper diet and healthy choices, alright? That's it! You are all being ridiculous! [the doors open and Kyle enters, stepping down into the living room. His eyes are still glowing blue.]
Stan: Kyle, dude, what are you doing here? [Kyle moves forward]
Cartman: You don't get to be part of Turd Burglars now, Kyle! [Kyle continues forward and stops at the bookcase]
Kyle: The bookcase. [presses a button on the panel in front of him and the bookcase recedes and opens up, revealing a vault full of Tom Brady's poop in mason jars.]
All: Whoa!
Tom: Okay, look. I got sick of people going to my basement and screwing with my plumbing
Sportswriter: The spice! So much of it!
Mabel: Enough for everyone! Enough to bring peace to all!
Tom: I stopped flushing them because people kept breaking my pipes to get them.
Publicist: Never did I think so much of it could be obtained.
Mom: This is enough for all the universe!
Tom: I mean, you'd all do the same thing if people were always trying to steal your shit. [Kyle's glowing eyes check out every bit of the poo cellar, which also serves as the wine cellar]
Scene Description: Hell's Pass Hospital, day. Dr. Gauche takes a jar of poop and drops it into a blender, adds some water, and starts the blender up. He then takes a sterile syringe and fills it with the fecal juice and injects it into Mrs. Testaburger's anus.
Dr. Gauche: That's good. Stay still. Almost there.
Harriet: Oh, Sheila, I'm so sorry for stealing your feces.
Linda S.: And we're sorry for stealing it from you, Harriet.
Sheila: Girls, this was all my fault. I think I got a little carried away bragging about my fecal transplant.
Laura: I hope we can all be besties again.
Dr. Gauche: [stopping by to visit.] You ladies are pretty lucky. If it hadn't been for these little turd burglars here, you'd be dead. And also responsible for the deaths of countless others.
Sheila: Kyle, how did you do it? I mean, how did you even know what was going on?
Kyle: I didn't know. My microbiome did. All along they were trying to tell me something. I really learned that I'm not just me. I'm also all the creatures inside of me. From now on, I'm gonna trust my gut a little more. [pats his belly]
Dr. Gauche: Well, I think we've all learned something. One for the ladies is one too many for the ladies. [everyone laughs.]


Scene Description: The episode begins with a new opener for "The Scott Malkinson Show," which shows Scott as something of a secret agent mixed with Captain Diabetes. He fights sugar cubes which could be death to him, Scott's house, day. He's asleep in his room and it's almost 8 am. His alarm goes off at 8 and he wakes up. He stretches and then reaches for his glucose meter and checks his blood sugar. 90. He takes a shower and brushes his teeth.
Scott: [looks into the mirror] Dad? Dad, I love you. I love you so much, Dad. [finishes brushing his teeth, then grabs some syringes from his drawer to take with him for the day. He goes downstairs and reaches the table just in time to get breakfast from his mom. His dad, in work clothes, is already at the table eating.]
Scott's Mom: What is it, Scott?
Scott: Ninety, Mom.
Scott's Mom: Okay, great. [turns and goes back to the kitchen]
Scott: [turns to his dad] Dad, I love you.
Scott's Dad: What?
Scott: I love you so much, Dad. Please, can we get Disney+?
Scott's Dad: Goddamnit, not this shit again! No! [Scott lowers his head] We don't need Disney Fucking Plus, Scott! We got cable, and that's enough! [pounds the table] All this talk about Disney+ and CBS Max and shit on a fucking extreme prime! Where's it gonna end?! Straight to fucking hell, that's where! I'm going to work! [gets up and leaves his meal half-eaten.]
Scott: [hyperventilates a bit, then checks his blood sugar again. 165.] Shit! [reaches for an insulin syringe and gives himself a shot in the belly] Asshole!
Scene Description: The school bus, day. Scott is on his way to school with a bunch of other students. In front of the school, he checks his blood sugar again. In class, he sits quietly as the other students talk amongst themselves
Mr. Mackey: Okay, kids, if we can all be quiet, please? Today is a very special day, because we have a new student who just moved to town and will be starting her schoolastic adventures here in South Park. I know you're gonna be very kind, and make her feel at home.
Cartman: [scoffs] Hehyeah.
Mr. Mackey: Please say hi to Sophie Gray.
Sophie Gray: [walks into view] Hey, guys. Um, well, I moved here from Arizona, I really like soccer, and I love The Mandalorian, and, um, I guess one thing about me that might be kind of different is that I have diabetes.
Scott: Say what??
Sophie: I have a thing called diabetes. It's a condition that affects the way my body processes sugar. It just means that I have to check my blood sugar once in a while, and sometimes I have to... [voice trails off as Scott falls in love] ...part of who I am. Oh, and I also have a pony.
Scene Description: Cafeteria, lunchtime. The boys are seated at a table
Scott: Holy shit, guys! What am I gonna do?!
Stan: About what?
Scott: About Sophie Gray! She's my boo! I love her! What am I supposed to say to her.
Cartman: Scott, you can't be with Sophie Gray. She has diabetes.
Scott: I know! That's why she's perfect!
Cartman: No, Scott, if you and Sophie have a baby, it'll have super diabetes. I'm not sure, but I'm pretty sure that causes a crater on the Earth.
Jimmy: That girl is pretty fly. As soon as she said she watches Mandalorian, it gave me a little boner. If you wanna be with a new girl, you're gonna have some stiff competition. Get it? Stiff? C-, c-, c-, c-, competition.
Scott: But she has diabetes. You guys always rip on me for having diabetes.
Cartman: [mimicking Scott] You guys always rip on me for havin' diabetes. I'm Scott Malkinson. [the others laugh]
Scott: No! Not this time! You guys aren't ruining Scott Malkinson's life again! I'm taking control! Do you understand?! [leaves the table]
Cartman: [mimicking Scott] I'm taking control do you understand I'm Scott Malkinson I have diabetes. [the others laugh]
Scene Description: The neighborhood, day. Scott's father sits in his truck listening to Thomas Dolby when an incoming call awakens him
Dispatcher: Hey Clark. Clark, are you there?
Scott's Dad: [picks up the radio] This is Clark. Go ahead.
Dispatcher: Yeah hey, I think we actually have a job. The Stotches need their cable box looked at.
Clark: Alright, I'm on it!
Dispatcher: Uh, listen, Clark, part of why we're losing customers is 'cause people say our service is slow.
Clark: Don't worry, I'll be there as fast as I can!
Scene Description: Clark starts up his van and peels away. He drives down on E street and makes a hard right onto another. Something catches his eye and he pulls into an M Burgers drive-through.
Cashier: Welcome to McDonald's. Can I take your order?
Clark: Number 3 value meal, no pickle.
Scene Description: Clark gets his meal and pulls away, going to eat at Stark's Pond. Once done, he goes back to town and does some grocery shopping. He gets some Thin snacks to go with his other purchases. He goes bowling and picks up nine pins. Finally, he shows up at the Stotch house.
Stephen: Oh. Well, finally! The cable company gave us a window from noon to 5 for you to show up, It's 5:15.
Clark: [gets out] Well I'm only 15 minutes late.
Stephen: This is why we should quit cable and just go to streaming services.
Clark: Oh, you want quantity over quality?! Streaming services are destroying our town! People don't watch and bond over the same shows anymore! Everyone watches somethin' different! 'Cause you got assholes in Hollywood making little niche programs for everybody! That's what you want?!
Stephen: [coolly] Yeah, I think I do.
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, hallway. Sophie puts her books away in her locker.
A Boy: Uhh, hi. [she looks back to see whom it is] You're the new girl, right? i>[the boys is Pete] Just wanted to say, you know, welcome to the school.
Sophie: Oh thanks. That's really nice of you.
Pete: I was wondering if maybe sometime, well I could show around if you need it.
Sophie: Wow, that'd be great. A couple of the other guys offered too.
Pete: [eyebrows knit] Yeah, a lot of the guys here are posers though. You gotta be careful.
Sophie: That's funny. Another one of the guys said that. He was the tall kid that kinda dresses like you. [Scott appears from around a corner and is instantly alarmed when he sees Sophie talking with Pete]
Pete: Oh yeah, he's a total poser. [Scott goes back around the corner, where he can't be seen]
Scott: [whispers] God damnit! Fucking asshole. [whips out his glucose meter to measure his sugar and peaks around the corner. 172. He gets out some insulin and gives himself a shot. Sophie and Pete are still chatting]
Sophie: ...yeah, and so my dad actually still lives in Scottsdale.
Pete: Scottsdale. Love it there.
Scott: [bumps Pete off] Hi Sophie. Hoe's it going?
Pete: Ow! Watch it, dork!
Scott: I have something really important to tell you, Sophie. It can't wait.
Sophie: Oh, okay. [to Pete] I'll see you around, huh?
Pete: Yeah, sure thing. [keeps an eye on Scott while leaving.]
Scott: So, uh, you have diabetes, right?
Sophie: Yeah.
Scott: [sighs] I... have diabetes. [grins.]
Sophie: Oh. [silence]
Scott: So... what do you wanna do now? [grins.]
Scene Description: The playground. While the other kids play, Scott and Sophie sit on the merry-go-round watching them
Scott: So... what's your favorite food... that you can't eat? Mine's waffles.
Sophie: Um, I haven't really thought about it.
Scott: Oh...
Sophie: Do you watch The Mandalorian on Disney+?
Scott: Oh... Ughuh, yeah, of course. I love The Mandalorian.
Sophie: Right? It's the best Star Wars thing since Empire. Makes all the new movies look like dog shit.
Scott: Yeah, like, super dog shit.
Clyde: [walks up] Hey, you're the new girl, right?
Scott: She's busy! [Clyde is surprised; leaves]
Sophie: Hey, are you gonna watch the new episode on Friday? We could watch it together if you want.
Scott: Oh my God. I would love that.
Sophie: Okay. I'll be over right when it starts streaming.
Scott: Oh. Well, uh, the thing is, I, I mean uh...
Timmy: [rolls up] Timmih!
Scott: [gets off the merry-go-round] She's busy, and she's watching Mandalorian at my house!
Timmy: Timmih... [reverses direction and rolls away]
Scene Description: Malkinson Residence. His parents sit in their armchairs to watch TV. Scott has his own beanbag chair between them, but he's not home yet
Clark: Look at that. Look. Two hundred and forty channels of anything we wanna watch. No accounts! No fucking passwords! Just pure, simple, basic cable.
Scott: [opens the front door and enters the house] Mom! Dad! Guess what?! [closes the door]
Clark: Not now, Scott. Your mom and I are enjoying watching whatever we want [switches channels] and not signing up for anything.
Scott: But Dad, there's this new girl in school, and she has... diabetes!
Mrs. Malkinson: Oh, that's wonderful, Scott.
Scott: Yeah. And guess what? She wants to come over to our house! So we HAVE to get Disney+!
Clark: Oh, not this shit again! The answer is no! [gets up and heads for the kitchen]
Scott: Dad, please! This is my life!
Clark: Streaming services are destroying our culture, Scott! People got a thousand shows at their fingertips 24/7, so Hollywood has to make shows within their shows to make more shows!
Scott: But Dad, what's wrong with people watching what they wanna watch when they wanna watch it?
Clark: [mimicking] "What's wrong with people watching what they wanna watch when they wanna watch it? I'm Scott Malkinson. I have diabetes." [goes into the kitchen]
Scott: Unbelievable!! [turns left and walks away.]
Clark: [gets his phone and places a call] Yeah, it's me. It's time we took down all these streaming services down. Tell all the guys we're meeting ASAP, in a window between 10 am and 2 pm Thursday.
Scene Description: The Scott Malkinson show returns.
Clark: Goddamnit, where are they?! We're gonna run out of time! [two more men arrive in their work van.] Where the hell have you guys been?!
Repairman 1 (Bill): You gave us a window of 10 am to 2 pm. It's 1:50.
Clark: "Between 10 and 2 doesn't mean you wait until 1-fucking-50!"
Repairman 2 (Kurt): Wow. What's wrong with you??
Clark: What's wrong is that we;'re losin' our asses to these sons of bitches! I don't know about you buys, but I haven't worked a full day in weeks! [pounds his left fist into his right palm]
Repairman 2: Hey, that's right.
Clark: These streaming services all still need the Internet to stream, right? And who laid all that cable those companies are streamin' on?!
The other workers: We did.
Clark: That's right. We fucking did. We're cable repairmen! We control what goes into people's houses! Us! It's time that we work together and show people how much they still need us!
Repairman 3 (Michael): Yeah! Let's uncouple the stranded conductor!
Repairman 2: Let's tear the insulation off the retractile cables.
Clark: Bill and Dave, you get supplies from the electronics store! Kurt, you help Michael with the hardware we're gonna need! Let's meet at the breaker between 4 and 7 pm!
The other workers: Yeah! [the repairmen get into their vans and race across town. Michael stops by a Walgreens to get his cholesterol checked. Bill and Dave head for a Royal Cinemas theater to watch a movie. Bill buys tickets and sends Dave off to buy snacks. Kurt goes into a tanning salon and gets an artificial tan.]
Scene Description: Canada Ploos appears onscreen
Announcer: You're watching Canada Ploos. Your source for all Canadian entertainment.
Cartman: [checking out this streaming service] Oh, that's pretty cool.
Announcer: Which Canadian program would you like to watch? [Cartman reviews the choices] Terrance & Philip. The Queef Sisters. Terrance & Philip. The Queef Sisters. Terrance &-. The Queef Sis-. [the channels pings, and The Queef Sisters appears onscreen. Catherine is sunbathing on a beach]
Katie: Katherine, I have some bad news.
Katherine: What is it, Katie? [Katie squats down on her face and queefs on it, then gets off and the sisters laugh]
Cartman: Agh, goddamnit. [pauses the stream and goes to the front door. He opens it, and Scott is on the landing]
Scott: You gotta help me!
Cartman: With what?
Scott: With my baby girl! [enters the house] She's everything to me, bro, but to impress her, I have to get Disney+. How can I get it without my parents' credit card?
Cartman: You don't wanna go around messin' with that.
Scott: [turns around to face Cartman] You had a girlfriend, Eric. You and Heidi were together a long time. You know how important this is.
Cartman: [walks off] You want my advice? You're better off, Scott. Let some other fool have his life ruined.
Scott: What are you talking about, Eric? It-
Cartman: [turns around] Do you know what love is, Scott? I'll tell you one thing: it's not the happy ending that Disney movies promised us. There's just frustration, and anger, and pain. Relationships is diabetes times ten.
Scott: I can handle diabetes. I can handle a relationship.
Cartman: Fine. I'll tell you how to get Disney+. But when you feel like killing yourself in two years, don't do it in front of me.
Scene Description: At a barbershop
Clark: Alright, let's do this! [reclines so his hare can be soaked in water, then sits up for his haircut. He reads Firearms Quarterly, then checks out some aftershave lotion, makes some purchases, and leaves] Dave? Dave, you got everything from the electronics store?
Dave: Not yet. Still workin' on it.
Clark: Well what the fuck are you doing?!
Dave: You gave me a window from noon to 3 to get it all; it's only 2:45.
Clark: God-fucking-damnit, can we get the show on the road here, guys?! Kurt, you got the cable splitters?
Kurt: [long pause] ...Huh?
Clark: Goddamnit, get the cable splitters!
Scene Description: Downtown South Park. Scott walks down Main Street looking for someone. He stops when he sees Nathan in the distance: "streaming accounts", then checks the insulin supplies in his tote bag. He goes on to meet Nathan
Nathan: Steaming accounts and passwords! Steaming accounts! Passwords!
Scott: Ah, hey.
Nathan: Hey. What's going on?
Scott: Uuhh, Eric Cartman told me you have access to streaming accounts.
Nathan: Maybe I do, and maybe I don't. Are you a cop?
Scott: No, I'm Scott Malkinson. I go to your school.
Nathan: Never heard of you.
Scott: Haven't you ever heard the other kids say, "I'm Scott Malkinson. I have diabetes"? Uh I'm Scott Malkinson.
Nathan: Oh, yeah. Well, in that case, [opens his jacket to reveal his wares] Hulu? Netflix? HBO Max? I got all the accounts and passwords you need.
Scott: No, I need a Disney+ account.
Nathan: Oh, you want the good stuff. That's pricey. Hard to find. What uh-are you lookin' to trade?
Scott: I have two 16-needle boxes of insulin. [takes out a box. Nathan takes a needle from the box and injects himself with it. A few seconds later he begins to shake.]
Nathan: Oh. Oh God. Oh! Ohhhhhhh! [the shaking subsides] Yeah, that's pretty good shit. [takes the box and sets it aside] Alright, here you go. [gives him a keygov] Disney+ account and password.
Scene Description: The sewer under the neighborhood, evening. Below the manhole cover, the repairmen get to work.
Clark: Alright, I got the static coupler conected to the RF switch. You got the BT router undone, dave?
Dave: Yeah. Yeah, I think that's got it.
Clark: Okay. Let's throw the pulse cable! [Dave stands up and pulls the switch, and the short travels around the tunnel, shutting down the electricity.] Yeah, I think that's good.
Scene Description: Scott's house, evening. Scott prepares a romantic dinner for himself and Sophie, and his sorting the chip bowl just right. The doorbell rings and he pants.
Scott: Oh God. [goes to answer the door]
Sophie: Hey!
Scott: Hi, Sophie.
Sophie: [runs in] The show starts streaming in two minutes! [sits in Clark's armchair] I have to watch right when it starts streaming. I hate spoilers.
Scott: Me too!
Sophie: This'll be a great place to watch it. [her phone beeps and she checks it out] Uh oh. Hey, do you have some juice or something? My blood sugar is a little low.
Scott: Oh my God, I love you so much.
Sophie: Huh?
Scott: [reaches over into a pail of chilled juices and hands her some fruit punch] Uh, uhhh, here you go. I have lots of juices standing by.
Sophie: Great! [takes the bottle and drinks from it through its straw. Scott grins] Mm, okay, it's time. Put it on.
Scott: O-kay! [turns the TV on and sees the Disney+ screen. He navigates to The Mandalorian] and clicks on it.
Sophie: Ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod! Yesyesyesyes! [This makes Scott very happy. A baby Yoda appears onscreen lifting a cup, and the signal is lost] Hey, uh, what's going on?
Scott: I, uh I don't know. [begins changing channels and gets the J&G Shopping Network's "Jewelry Bonanza with Dean".]
Dean: This is item number 45-78111.
Sophie: Can you change it back?
Scott: It, ih-it's not... working.
Dean: Look at these stunning ear- [keeps shanging channels and gets static on Netflix, Amazon PrimeVideo, etc] I don't know what's going on!
Sophie: It's gonna be okay. That Jimmy kid invited me to watch at his house. Come on! [leaves the house]
Scott: [follows her out] Oh no, not Jimmy! Bae? Bae, come back!
Scene Description: PC Babies appears onscreen
Emory: Now back to PC Babies.
Stan: PC Babies? What the hell is this? [The four are at Jimmy's house with Clyde]
Kyle: Put it back to Mandalorian, Jimmy! Nobody likes PC Babies.
Jimmy: [tries getting back to the show, but keeps getting basic shows] I'm trying, but... something's wrong with the TV.
Dean: -teen karat gold-
Cartman: This is bullcrap! Give me that thing!
Announcer: You're watching Canada Ploos. [a shot of Katherine queefing on Katie]
Cartman: Goddamnit! [the doorbell rings and Jimmy goes to answer it. He opens the door and Sophie appears with Scott.]
Jimmy: Oh. Hey, Sophie.
Scott: [miffed that he wasn't acknowledged] And Scott.
Sophie: Hay! Hope it's still okay to come over?
Jimmy: Sure. Come on in. [leads them to the sofa] Hey, look who's here, fellas. It's Sophie.
Scott: And Scott!
The Boys: Hey, Sophie.
Sophie: Oh no, your streaming services are messing up too?
Stan: What do you mean? This isn't just happening here?
Sophie: No. We were just at Scott's house and it was the same thing. This is terrible!
Cartman: [leaves the sofa and walks over to Sophie] Hey, don't worry, Sophie. We can go watch it together at Token's house. His family has the best AV equipment.
Scott: Oh, what happened to "girls are just like diabetes"?!
Stan: Let's just hurry and get to Token's house!
Kyle: Yeah! Come on, Sophie!
Scott: And Scott!
Scene Description: A Hulu screen appears first, then a new show...
Steve Black: [Token's family is shown] We're the Blacks, a hip family just trying to get by. The problem is, our neighbors.
Bob White: We're the Whites. Nobody cares if bad things ever happen to us anymore. And things are getting worse. [a shot of the familes facing off over a hedge row]
Both men: Because in this town, it's The Whites And The Blacks, on Amazon Prime.
Linda S.: [pounds on the TV and gets different basic cable channels] What the? What is wrong with this stupid thing?!
Stephen: Aha, I don't even know who to call, uh. Here, let me try something. [presses buttons on his phone]
Clark: [his phone rings] Here it comes. Here it comes. [shushes the other repairmen and picks up] Park County Cable. Oh, your streaming isn't working. Huh. Gee, I'm sorry, that's really not our problem. [puts a thumb up, and another call tries to get through] Uh, ohuh sir, can you hang on? I got another call. [presses a button] Clark County Cable. None of your streaming services are working either? Don't worry. You and everyone else in this town can count on your local cable company. We'll come fix the problem. [hangs up] Alright guys, let's be the heroes this town needs!
The repairmen: Yeah!!
Scene Description: JBO Max appears onscreen, followed by "Crab People"
Announcer: You're watching Crab People on HBO Max.
Sheriff: [talking to a woman at her house] So you say that these mutant crab people came up from under the ground and started eating children?
Woman: Nonono, Crab People was the show that came on TV when I was trying to watch Stranger Things on Netflix.
Sheriff: Oh. [goes to the screen and stands next to it. The screen does have Crab People on it. He pounds on the TV a few times, but gets the same results everyone else has gotten. The front door opens and Sophie comes in with the group of boys]
Sophie: Mom, I can't watch Mandalorian anywhere. [looks at her TV] oh no, it's happening here too?
Sophie's Mom: Who are all these boys, Sophie?
Cartman: Hello ma'am. I'm Eric Cartman. How are you?
Jimmy: Uh hi, Muh my name is Jimmy.
Stan: Uh, my name's Stan Marsh. [Kyle and Kenny introduce themselves]
Clyde: ...Clyde Donovan.
Cartman: Yeah yeah, nobody cares, Clyde. [Scott feels left out, so he looks into the kitchen and moves towards it. He begins to move stealthily. He reaches the refrigerator and opens it, looking for something sweet to eat. Not satisfied with anything in the fridge, he looks elsewhere and finds a blueberry pie on the kitchen table. He climbs up onto a stool and starts eating the pie, getting more voracious with every bite]
Stan: Well, it looks like nobody's streaming shows tonight. Sorry, Sophie.
Cartman: Not as sorry as I am, Sophie.
Jimmy: I-I'm the most sorriest, So-Sophie.
Scott: [comes back to the living room in a rage and dressed a bit like Wolverine.] Yyeeaahh! [the other kids back up] You assholes, stop talking to her!
Stan: Scott?
Scott: I am done having you all ruin my life! You hear me?! Done! You've taken my dignity for all these years, but you are not taking my girlfriend!
Sophie: What are you talking about, Scott? I'm not your girlfriend.
Scott: [turns around] Eh. You're not?
Cartman: Uh oh, looks like you got some pie on your face, Scott.
Sophie: I'm not anyone's girlfriend! I just fuckiing moved here, you guys. Can I have some time to unpack the shit in my room?
Scott: But Sophie, you're totally my type! Type I diabetes!
Sophie: Scott, I'm more than just my diabetes.
Scott: [his hopes are dashed] ...Well I'm not. I'm Scott Malkinson. [turns around and walks out of the house with his head low]
Scene Description: "One For The Ladies" appears on-screen. Scott sits alone on the school's merry-go-round. He gets out his glucose meter and measures his sugar. 40. A very low level, as indicated by the broken heart on the monitor. He sighs and continues sitting there.
Sophie: Need a candy bar? [he looks to his left and sees her there] You're low, right? [she sits next to him] Here. [gives him a bar, which he eats] It stinks having diabetes sometimes, huh?
Scott: You seem to do alright.
Sophie: Still sucks. Kids don't know how much extra you have to do every day just to be okay.
Scott: Yeah.
Sophie: I'm glad there's a kid at my new school who I can talk about diabetes with.
Scott: You don't think I'm weird and gross?
Sophie: You know what? I don't think you're any weirder and grosser than any of the other boys in this town.
Scott: Wow. That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me. I'm sorry you missed your show, Sophie. I don't know what happened, but somehow I feel like it's my fault.
Sophie: That's okay. I had an interesting night. I think I kind of like the Scott Malkinson Show.
Scene Description: End of Basic Cable. "The Scott Malkinson Show" appears one last time, with a phone number to call for streaming right if anyone's interested: (719)838-4002. The cable repairmen run into view
Clark: Okay, we're here! Let's geh-aaah, shit! [they resume their walk, but slowly and out of view]


Scene Description: The season ends with a regular introduction. Then comes the first scene, A Christmas gathering at the town square. A stage is set up with a Christmas tree behind it. Mr. Mackey sings and plays piano while the Mayor waits her turn to speak..Families are present, but there are stands for wine, beer, and cocktails. Mr. Mackey sings "Happy Holidays" as the townsfolk enjoy their drinks.
Mayor McDaniels: Alright, everyone! Are we enjoying the festivities?! [the crowd cheers] Well, it's time for a very special guest now. Here he is, SANTA! [steps to her left as Santa approaches the podium.]
The boys: Santa!
Santa: [approahes with his arms up in the air.] Merry Christmas, everyone! This is the season for joy and giving. But let's also not forget that unfortunately, it's the season for accidents caused by drunk driving. [The cheering stops] Did you know that the holidays are when the most DUIs and drinking-related accidents occur?
Townsman 1: This is like that little Greta girl with the global warming. [cups his lips] BUZZ KILL! [boos begin to rise from the audience.]
Santa: Please, be sure to celebrate the holiday season responsibly, because last holiday season [the boos get louder and louder] The-, the most drunk-driving accidents than ever bef-
Townsman 2: We're trying to have fun here, Santa!
Santa: Okay, okay, Come on. All Santa is saying is that drinking and driving during the holidays-
Mayor: [steps in and moves him to one side] Okay, thank you, Santa! That was wonderful and informative. Thank you for coming [Santa turns and walks offstage], everyone. We hope your and your loved ones enjoy all your favorite holiday traditions.
Stephen: Yeah! Let's drive! [everyone gets in their cars and drives off. Reckless driving everywhere to the tune of "Kay Thompson's Jingle Bells".]
Scene Description: One couple fishtails it down the road, narrowly missing a head-on crash. The two drivers wave at each other. Two other cars almost crash at an intersection, but the red car stops and lets the other one by. The drivers wave at each other. The Valmers are driving home, each with a drink in hand, with Jimmy in the back seat. A driver in a green car rams into a fire hydrant, causing a geyser to rise up out of the ground. Another couple fishtails down the road. Five cars meet at an intersection and all narrowly miss each other. A driver in a purple car rams into a tree and is ejected from the car, dying instantly. One car with a mother and two kids stops in the middle of the street for no reason, and another car runs into it, causing collision damage. Five kids are on a hill waiting to slide down in snow tubes. A boy goes down and is run over by a car. and his snow tube is destroyed. A dog crosses the street and is shredded to bits by another car. The Stotches re driving home, with Butters in the back seat. Nothing happens there. Two other cars have a head-on collision in a residential street
Scene Description: Food 4 Little, next day. Shopping goes on as usual
Stephen: [greeting two other shoopers] Mornin', Jim. Mornin', Kate.
Jim: Mornin', Stotch.
Stephen: You really tied one one last night, huh? Happy holidays.
Scene Description: The liquor aisle. Jimbo, Liane, and the Whites look down the aidle, which is blocked off by a chain and a sign.
Jimbo: What the hell's goin' on?
Bob: Uh we c-, we don't know.
Stephen: [walks up] Hey guys. [notices the chain and sign] The fuck is this?
Jimbo: There's like a... chain blocking the liquor aisle.
Bob: Maybe we can just go around to the other side. Come on! [they all go around the blockage to the other end, where they see the Blacks, the Tweeks, and Mr. Mackey.]
Jimbo: What the hell?
Mr. Mackey: I don't know. There's some sort of blockage in front of the booth section.
Stephen: But this is ridiculous. [tries to enter the aisle, but the chain stops him. He reaches to his left, then to his right, but can't reach the bottles.] Manager? Manager!
Jason, the Manager: [arrives] Can I help you?
Stephen: Manager, there's a chain and sign blocking our way into the liquor aisle.
Jason: Yes. We can't sell liquor during the holidays. Somebody got a new county ordinance passed.
Stephen: What? Who has that kind of power?
Jimbo: It's Christmas, damnit! What are we supposed to drink?
Jason: You gotta just drink what ya have at your house.
Stephen: We drank it all before driving to the tree-lighting ceremony!
All: Yeah!
Scene Description: South Park Village Liquor, moments later. The proprietor rolls down his security doog and locks up
Stephen: Hey, woah woah woah, wait! Hold on!
Proprietor: Sorry, everyone. I've been shut down until the New Year.
Jimbo: No! Not you too??
Liane: You must have something you can give us.
Proprietor: All I've got is this little bottle of peppermint schnapps, but it's barely enough form my drive home.
Stephen: [grabs the proprietor by the collar] I've got family coming over, from out of town! You can't expect me to be sober!
Scene Description: Skeeter's Wine Bar, moments later. He's wiping down wine glasses at the corner when the other rush into the bar
Stephen: Skeeter! Thank God you're still open. I've me a Cabernet, huh? And a couple of bottles to take home.
Skeeter: I've got lemonade, soft drinks, and tea. That's all I can sell until January 2nd.
Richard: Son of a bitch!
Liane: This can't be happening.
Jimbo: Hey, come on, guys. It's still Christmas, and we have to make the best of it. How about we all drive around a little?
Stephen: Oh what's the point, Jimbo? What's the point in driving now?
Scene Description: South Park, a day or two later. A children choir sings "Silent Night." The streets are barren - no one is driving or shopping. City Hall is shown in the background through a line of other buildings, with the Mayor and an aide looking out a window.
Mayor: Nobody's out shopping. The town is dead. Our economy depends on the holidays.
Janson: We don't know who passed the ordinance, Mayor, but... well, the people feel left out.
Mayor: There's only one thing we can do. We're going to have to ask an old friend for help... and hope that he somehow forgives us.
Scene Description: Tegridy Farms, day. The snow is thick there now. A couple of city SUVs drive up. The drives one, Stephen drives the other. Everybody gets out and walks up to Randy's door. The Mayor knocks. The door opens and everyone is a bit shocked. Randy has let his beard grow out, and it's gray and white.
Randy: Hello, Mayor,... everybody. What are you doing here?
Mayor: Mr. Marsh, South Park needs you.
Randy: For what?
Mayor: Everyone's down in the dumps. Nobody's buying presents or going to holiday events.
Richard: People... they need some holiday spirit.
Mayor: We think that... a little weed might put everyone in a better mood.
Randy: Guys, my season is over. Tegridy Farms' season ended weeks ago.
Mayor: We understand, but couldn't you do like a limited-edition run just to get people through the holidays?
Randy: ...You want me to do a... Christmas special?
Mayor: Yes. South Park needs Tegridy Farms.
Stephen: We all do, Randy.
Randy: But guys, look behind you. [points at the barren fields; they turn and look] The crops are dead. How am I supposed to sell weed to people now?
Mayor: I'll tell you how. [they turn back around] Because you're Randy Marsh, and there's one thing you have that nobody else does. Tegridy.
Randy: Tegridy.
Stephen: You a-you're not gonna let a little cold weather stand in your way. Tegridy Farms is about community.
Mrs. Tweek: And community is what matters. That's Tegridy. That's Tegridy Weed.
Randy: Well, you're right about that. Let me call my marijuana science specialist and... I'll see what I can do.
Mayor: Thank you, Marsh. May God bless Tegridy Farms.
Scene Description: The barn at Tegridy Farms, night. The barn is ablaze in light. Towelie and Randy are in the barn. Randy paces back and forth while Towelie sits on a hay bale.
Towelie: Look, I'm sorry, Randy, but marijuana just doesn't grow in the cold.
Randy: So we use the greenhouse. There's gotta be a way to make a Christmas special. It's what everyone wants.
Towelie: [gets off the hay bale] Wwwait a minute. [walks off a bit] How about we repackage some of the surplus? [stands before three shelves of surplus, one for Mexican Joker, one for Halloween Special, and one for Season Finale. None of them are to be touched] I have lots of left-over Mexican Joker.
Randy: That's 'cause people really didn't like Mexican Joker. I'm not gonna just repackage it. That's not special.
Towelie: Okay, so how about we combine- what's left of the Mexican Joker with some of the Season Finale?
Randy: Nagh.
Towelie: What's wrong?
Randy: [walks off] It's just... it needs [turns around] something else. Just mixing old product together and naming it something new? That's not special. [turns around, but immiediately turns back] And it's not Tegridy! [walks to the barn entrance and leans on it] It's just not Tegridy. [looks up at the stars and focuses on a pulsar] It's gonna be your birthday soon, Jesus. I wanna make something as special as you are. [gets pensive and pumps his fist.] I just need the right idea. [the wind picks up and he looks up again. A cloud comes up and blocks the star, and snow begins to fall. Randy raises his hands palms up, not knowing how to react]
Scene Description: South Park Winter Rink. Kids ice-skate to "Blue Christmas" as the parents look on from outside the rink
Stephen: I hate the holidays.
Linda B.: Come on, Token! Let!s wrap it up and get out of here! [the kid gather in front of the Christmas tree]
Craig: Dude, our parents seem really bummed out.
Jimmy: Yeah. It's like someone came and took all their Christmas ssssspirit.
Cartman: [skates into view.] This isn't good, you guys. You know what it means when our parents have no Christmas spirit? Shitty presents. We're screwed, you guys.
Butters: Well they just gotta get their Christmas spirits back. They just gotta.
Kenny: [after a few seconds] (What's that?!) [a snow mobile is heard in the distance and it gets louder]
Liane: [turns around] Look. [the other adults turn around. Randy pulls up in the snow mobiile pulling a sled full of the Christmas special, and honks his horn. Towelie comes down from the top of the load as Randy steps off the mobile]
Randy: Well howdy there, folks.
Gerald: Randy?
Randy: Heard you were all a little down and might need a boost. [bends his arms at the elbows and swings them], so I thought I'd bring you some [removes the tarp] Christmas Snow. [the camera pans across the cargo, showing jars of Tegridy weed covered in white powder. The crowd marvels at it and gathers around] Whoa whoa, there's enough for everybody. [the adults start taking jars of the stuff and paying Towelie for it]
Stephen: [opens his jar and sniffs] Oh wow, this smells great!
Thomas: Hey, what's this white stuff on the top?
Randy: Just a little somethin' extra for a special kick.
Stephen: Well, what are we waiting for, everyone? Let's do some driving! [the adults promptly get in their cars and start driving recklessly]
Scene Description: Tegridy Farms, day.
Announcer: Now, back to the Tegridy Farms Christmas Special.
Scene Description: The Mayor bangs on Randy's door. Janson is with her. Randy answers the door and looks out
Randy: Oh, hi Mayor.
Mayor: We need to talk, Marsh! [they head inside]
Randy: What's going on? Are people not liking the Christmas special so far?
Mayor: [eyes the weed carefully] Oh, people loooove the Christmas special. [picks up a jar] So, Marsh [turns around], what exactly is in this Christmas snow?
Randy: Okay, okay, look, you busted us. It's a mix of different strains of marijuana we had left over from last season. I know, it's wrong...
Mayor: Nonono, what is the white stuff on the marijuana?
Randy: Oh that? That's cocaine.
Mayor: WHAT???
Randy: Yeah, I got the idea praying to Christ. You know, powder, snow, it's what gives Christmas Snow its kick. [gives Janson and the Mayor a tour of his small operation] Getting enough cocaine was the tricky part, so we started growing our own. Turns out the coca plant is even hardier than the marijuana plant. It can grow even when we're out of season.
Mayor: What is wrong with you?! [Janson's jaw drops] We can't have you selling this stuff in town! COCAINE IS ILLEGAL!
Randy: It is?? [he and Towelie look at each other and shrug]
Mayor: Jesus Christ, you can't just give people coke without them knowing! We could all go to prison!
Randy: Hey hey, it's not a big deal. I've been through this before. [being walking away] Hang on, I'll handle it. Don't go anywhere.
Scene Description: Randy pulls away from the farm and goes to town. He stands outside a store collecting signatures to legalize cocaine. He walks around waving a "MAKE MEDICINAL COCAINE LEGAL NOW!" sign
Randy: Legalize it! Legalize it!
Scene Description: He speaks before Congress, wish signs for cocaine for the terminally ill and for Alzheimers patients on either side. He opens a medicinal cocaine store and gets some news coverate. He returns to the store that started it all, with two clipboards and a sign now urging "Cocaine is for EVERYONE, not just sick people." He speaks at Coachella with a sign behind him: "THE DRUG WAR IS RACIST" He then leads a protest march. Then he returns home, where the Mayor and Janson are still waiting, and goes inside
Randy: Okay, cocaine's totally legal now.
Mayor: It- it is? [reads the new law]
Randy: Yeah, legal in seven states including this one, and other states are soon to follow. I told you. It's 2019, dawg.
Scene Description: Santa's Workshop in South Park. A line of kids and their parents wait for Santa to show up. Next, Santa takes requests from Butters
Butters: I'm sorry, Santa, I just can't think of anything I want this year. Well I guess maybe now I'm losing my Christmas Spirit.
Santa: Well, how about a little baby Yoda doll?
Butters: Neah. Mandalorian was great the first few episodes, but it's really fallin' apart lately. [a car screeches off-screen, a woman screams, and a crash occurs, followed by shattering glass. Santa sets Butters down, gets up and walks forward a bit]
Santa: What on earth?? [his arms spread out upon closer inspection]
driver: [stumbles out of his car, slurring] Me-herry Christmas.
Santa: What the-? How are people still drinking and driving??
Woman: [speaking a little quickly] Oh, they aren't drunk, Santa. Everyone's just enjoying this. [holds up a jar of Christmas Snow] Tegridy Farms Christmas Snow. It's organic, locally grown, and available now. [hands the jar to Santa]
Townsman (voice): It's great, Santa.
Mr. Testaburger: Oh, you gotta try it, Santa. It's really good.
Townsman 3: Yeah, try it. You gotta try it. It's amazing, Santa.
Santa: Marijuana? This isn't what Santa meant! I got rid of liquor and now you assholes are all just getting high?! God-fucking-damnit! [smashes the jar into the ground, shattering it] Santa will just see about this! [storms off]
Scene Description: Tegridy Farms, day. Randy and Towelie are busy packaging more Christmas Snow in the living room
Randy: Our Christmas special is so amazing, I don't know how we're gonna keep up with all the demand.
Towelie: I know. I know. I can't print labels fast enough.
Randy: We need more help. We're never gonna get enough done in time. Hey Shelley! Hey Shelley! Hey Shelley!
Shelley: [walks into view] What?!
Randy: Hey Shelley, can you help us make more labels for our Christmas special?
Shelley: No! I'm not helping you with your stupid blow. [walks out of view]
Randy: Oh great. My daughter had a marijuana problem and now she has a problem with cocaine. [hears someone hammering at his front door] Ah. Must be more customers. [opens the door to see a man hammering a chain and sign across the entrance, same as the chain and sign at Foor 4 Little] What the hell is this?
Worker: New ordinance's been passed by the county. No marijuana sales till after the holidays.
Randy: Heheey, fuck you. Who has that kind of power?
Worker: Look, I just do what I'm told, man. Happy holidays. [turns and walks down the steps and away] Hey, but eh, you can't do this. [closes the door and tells Towelie] They just dshut down our business.
Towelie: What are you talking about?
Randy: We can't sell marijuana during the holidays.
Towelie: What are we gonna do?
Randy: [walks off a bit] We can't give up on the Christmas special. People need it. I think I know a way around this.
Scene Description: Tegridy Weed commercial, winter holiday version
Announcer 2: [shots of Tegridy Farms in winter] There's somethin' 'bout the holiday season. [Towelie sits on the Tegridy Farms sign holding a candy cane with a bow on it, and waves at the camera.] Folks seem a little nicer. The days, a little more special. [a shot of a small gathering for a meal] And sometimes we all need a little pick-me-up without any added ingredients. [a shot of marijuana-free Christmas Snow] Introducing marijuana-free Christmas Snow from Tegridy Farms. [Randy pours out the blow in two lines on the dining table] All the festive snow you love, without that pesky marijuana. [Randy looks out over his fields and rests on a fence post] Because there's nothin' like a warm fire, holiday presents, [Randy is out in the field, grinning and licking his teeth.] and a little Rocky Mountain cocaine. [a couple of shots of couples sharing gifts] During Christmas, don't you want your cocaine to be organic, pure, and locally-grown? [four women throw confetti in the air, followed by a shot of someone snorting coke, then someone cutting it to their desired amount] Cocaine that's grown locally has never been smuggled, so the only ass it's gonna be up is yours. [another couple trades gifts, then the montage ends with a jar of Christmas Snow] Marijuana-free Christmas Snow, now available from Tegridy Farms. It's cocaine that's farm to nostril.
Scene Description: A shot of driving habits under this drug. Then, a shot of the boys sitting on the steps in front of City Hall watching it all
Cartman: Boy, people sure have the holiday spirit now.
Kyle: Yeah, what the hell happened?
Jimmy: It's weird, though. My parents have a lot of holiday spirit, but they sleep until three in the afternoon every day.
Craig: Yeah. Last night, my mom had a ton of holiday spirit and then passed out. She hasn't gone to buy me any presents.
Cartman: Butters, your mom has so much holiday spirit that she's riding an ATV with her tits out. [Butters' jaw drops as he sees his mom approaching the boys doing that that.]
Linda Stotch: Christmas. Woo-oo-ooo.
Butters: Yeah, that's a little too much holiday spirit, if you ask me.
Scene Description: Town Square, day. Randy has a booth set up, ""Tegridy Farms Marijuana-Free Christmas Snow. He and Towelie are taking orders from two lines of people
Randy: There you are, ma'am. There you are, sir. This is amazing, Towelie. Tegridy Farms is finally gonna make all the money I ever dreamed of.
Santa: [showing up] What the Sam Hell is going on here?! [the clients begin answering. Santa takes a jar from one of them] Marijuana-free Christmas Snow? Do you realize that tomorrow is Christmas Eve?!
Stephen: And it's gonna be the best Christmas ever! [the sound of wheels screeching is heard, and all turn to see what it is. A woman is heard screaming, then the impact, then shattering glass. Then cheers as two wrecked cars are shown, the drivers clearly under the influence]
Female driver: Happy holidays! Woo!
Scene Description: The rooftops, night. Santa slinks from house to house, going down chimneys and confiscating the jars of Christmas Snow. The first house he visits has a table with a jar of coke, six lines of coke, two razor blades, a straw made from a dollar bill, and a small mound of coke on it. He takes it all and swipes it into his sack. Next he visits the Stotch house, into the master bedroom, looks in Linda's nightstand and removes two tiny packets of coke, then takes a jar from the Christmas tree and another jar from the medicine cabinet in the bathroom. He goes to Mackey's bed and takes the jar from Mackey's hands while Mackey sleeps. Mackey has some coke on his nostrils, but Santa leaves that alone. Santa then goes to the Broflovski house and takes the jars from the tree. He notices Ike looking on, gives him some milk, and sends him back upstairs. He sweeps a bunch of coke in baggies off a table, takes a jar from another tree, then reaches Tegridy Farms itself. He goes to the ban and puts every jar he sees into his sack. He throws the sack onto his sleigh and urges the reindeer to get moving.
Santa: Santa to base, come in.
Elf: This is base. Go ahead, Santa.
Santa: Sleigh is too loaded down to fly. Gonna have to take the roads until I can find a place to dump all this blow. [hears Randy honking behind him and turns to make sure]
Randy: [coming up fast on his snowmobile] Hold on tight, Towelie! We have to save Christmas! [Santa faces forward and brings down the whip on the reindeer a few times. The race is on. Santa looks over his shoulder, then notices something ahead]
Santa: Oh shit! [runs through a guard rail and over a cliff.] Ho ho ho!
Randy: O-ho! [follows Santa over the cliff] Ohhhhh!
Scene Description: South Park, day. Stephen looks around for his Christmas Snow in the bathroom
Stephen: The hell is...? Did you do all my marijuana-free Christmas snow?
Linda: [appears at the bathroom door] I was just gonna ask you the same thing.
Stephen: What are you talking about?
Linda: Mine's all gone. You had another bander last night, didn't you?
Stephen: No! [points at her] Clearly you did!
Scene Description: The Tucker house. Thomas hears some pounding at his door and goes to answer it and sees Stephen and Linda.
Stephen: Thomas, we were just wondering if we could borrow a little Christmas Snow.
Thomas: You can't find yours either?? My wife's been searching all morning. [in the kitchen, Laura dumps the trash onto the floor and starts looking through it]
Laura: The trash. We must have thrown it in the trash. It has to be here somewhere.
Scene Description: Eventually, all the residents gather in the street and chat about the missing Snow
Bob: Alright listen. Somebody obviously took everyone else's snow and it's not cool! Come on. it's Christmas!
Steve: Somebody has to have a little. I feel like total shit.
Mr. Mackey: It's gone, okay?! Just face it, it's all gone!
Scene Description: The cliff bottom, day. Santa looks through the wreckage that was his sleigh.
Santa: [to the head elf] This is Santa. The sleigh still isn't functional. Got some of it repaired, but I don't think I'm gonna make it back in time for Christmas. [Randy appears behind him and walks up]
Randy: Hey Santa. We need to talk.
Santa: Stay back, mutherfucker!
Randy: Santa, you don't understand.
Santa: Oh, Santa understands plenty! You assholes drink and drive and you think marijuana is somehow different, go driving around on that, and then you go and make this shit!
Randy: Santa, that's not just cocaine. It's Tegridy cocaine.
Santa: Oh, don't give Santa that! Coke is coke! [turns away]
Randy: That's not true! This cocaine is grown locally. By local people. Please, just try it!
Santa: Santa's done coke before. Santa knows what-
Randy: Please! [Santa pauses, takes a dash of coke, and sniffs t]
Santa: It's, it's cocaine. Just like every other cocaine Santa's ever tried. You people really think that the holidays are- Okay, yeah, that's pretty good. But it doesn't matter! Because Christmas is a- Wow, that is really clean.
Randy: Right?
Santa: It's like not speedy at all. It's really mellow. [walks to a log and sits down] Honestly, I didn't think cocaine could be this pure, wow.
Randy: [joins him] Because it's grown here. On a farm. It's not cut with any nasty chemicals or harmful impurities. [hands Santa a metal sheet and a thin pipe]
Santa: No, you can tell. It's really clean. Santa likey. [sniffs up some more coke] Maybe I have been a little too old-fashioned in my thinking.
Jesus: I can't believe what I'm hearing! [they look up and see Jesus approaching]
Santa: Oh Jesus.
Jesus: I have heard your prayers, Marsh! And I've been watching. You want people to think that home-grown cocaine is the same as legalizing marijuana?
Santa: Jesus, you really gotta try it.
Jesus: No!
Santa: You cut out the middle man, nobody dies in South America, nobody dies from impurities [sniff].
Randy: Please, Jesus.
Jesus: [Takes a tray and straw, and sniffs the coke.] Okay, I get it. It's really clean. It's... yeah. It's a good high.
Santa: It's fucking pure.
Randy: It's Tegridy.
Jesus: Well, maybe we all do need a little Tegridy at Christmas time. [walks up to the sleigh]
Santa: What are you doing, Jesus?
Jesus: I think it's time for a little Christmas miracle. [lifts out three sacks of Christmas Snow and disperses the snow all over town. Adults begin noticing the blow and tasting it.]
Townsman 4: [tastes the blow settling on his hand] Hey. Hey. Hey, everybody!
Mr. Mackey: [in the town square] Try to catch some on your tongue. It's fun.
Cartman: Does this mean you all have the Christmas spirit again?
Stephen: You're darn tootin' we do!
Randy: Hey guys, I'm so happy my Christmas Special turned out okay.
Santa: It's more than okay. Tegridy cocaine is smooth and has a great finish.
Jesus: I'll bet when coke becomes legal soon, everyone will want Tegridy Cocaine!
Stephen: Well, only one thing left to do, gang. Let's go driving!
All: Yeah! [they get into their cars and start driving recklessly again]
Announcer 2: All-natural Tegridy Cocaine. Endorsed and approved by Santa Claus. Available soon at a store near you.