Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The students are all in the cafeteria eating lunch. In the middle of the cafeteria is a table with the four boys there. Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny sit opposite Clyde, Craig, Kevin, and Token.
Cartman: So then, the guy hits the ping-pong ball with his dick, and it goes right in the other guy's mouth. [laughs heartily. Butters approaches the table with a sheet of paper]
Butters: Hey, Stan, I have a note for you.
Stan: A note?
Butters: Yeah, uh, Wendy said to give you this. [hands him the note] I'm like a mailman. [walks away. Stan reads and Kyle notices]
Kyle: What's it say?
Stan: [omitting the names] We need to talk.
Cartman: [voice rising in pitch] Ohhhhhhhh. When a chick says "We need to talk.", you might as well just start punching yourself in the balls, dude.
Scene Description: Two tables over, nine girls are eating lunch. Kal, Red, Wendy, Bebe, and Heidi sit opposite Esther, Anne, Lola, and Millie
Red: Are you sure he has a problem, Wendy?
Wendy: Yes. I've read all about it. It's a real disease. It's called "hoarding." People who can't throw anything away, and they just keep living in deeper and deeper filth until the people around them just can't take it anymore.
Stan: [approaching] Is something wrong, Wendy? [Wendy sees him, then looks at the girls, gets up and walks up to Stan]
Wendy: [sighs] Stan? We need to talk about your locker.
Stan: My locker?
Wendy: [turns away] Every time I see the condition it's in I j-I just wanna cry. It just keeps getting messier and messier. I think you have a problem.
Stan: Are you serious?
Wendy: [turns back] It's so full of junk it takes you forever to find anything. And lately you've been asking to keep things in my locker.
Stan: Well, it's just a little messy.
Wendy: No, Stan, it's called "hoarding"! And if you don't get help, I don't know how much longer I could be with you!
Stan: Aw, come on.
Wendy: Then can we throw some stuff in your locker away?
Stan: Yeah, alright.
Wendy: [wipes a tear from her eye] Okay. [puts a hand on his shoulder] I've hired some experts to help you with this. We'll make this as easy as possible on you, Stan.
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, hallway. Two men stand by Stan and his locker as the fourth graders look on. One of them holds a large trash bag and is wearing a face mask
An Expert: Hello everyone, my name is Dr. Chinstrap. I'm a hoarding specialist, and today we're gonna help Stan clean out his locker. Alright, let's go ahead and see inside your locker, Stan. [Stan goes to his locker, opens it, and a few items fall out. The class gasps in horror: Stan's locker is truly packed. Wendy cries and hides her face with her notebook]
Stan: What, come on, it's not that bad.
Dr. Chinstrap: Now, as part of Stan's therapy, we need to make sure we don't throw away anything he doesn't want us to. Stan needs to feel like he is in control or his psychosis will come out.
Stan: My psychosis? Look, it isn't that big a deal, I'll just throw this stuff away.
Dr. Chinstrap: [walks up to Stan and gets down on one knee] Okay, great. How about we start with this? [takes a small box out of the locker]
Stan: Well, no, that's my pencil box. I need my pencil box.
Dr. Chinstrap: [defers right away, putting a hand up] Okay, okay, we'll put that right here on the floor. Now how about this? [takes out a bent toothbrush] Broken toothbrush.
Stan: Well... it's good to have that, because sometimes I really wanna brush after lunch, and I-
Dr. Chinstrap: But it's broken.
Stan: Yeah, but it works perfectly fine and I-
Dr. Chinstrap: [defers right away] Okay, okay. Broken toothbrush is going right here, by the pencil box. [sets it down] Now how about this? [pulls out a clear sandwich bag with rotten food in it] Old sandwich in a baggie filled with maggots.
Class: Eeeeewwww! [two more men stand behind the class holding trash bags and wearing face masks]
Stan: Well, that, I mean, yeah, I mean... I kinda need that. Let's, let's just keep that.
Dr. Chinstrap: It's full of maggots, Stan. Can we throw it away?
Stan: Well, I might need it if I every have to, you know, like-
Dr. Chinstrap: The maggots are crawling down my hand and biting my wrist, Stan. Can we throw this away?
Stan: Well, I- I guess so, but- [Dr. Chinstrap dumps the baggie into the large trash bag his assistant is holding. The assistant is wearing a facemask] Whoa-whoa-wait, this is all happening a little fast. Can we just slow down? [Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny look at each other worriedly]
Dr. Chinstrap: Now how about this empty aspirin bottle?
Stan: Well no, don't throw that out.
Dr. Chinstrap: Can we throw out these wadded up papers, then? [sweeps out a bunch of loose papers. Stan gets alarmed]
Stan: [begins gathering up the papers] No, because there could be something written on one of them that's important and uh-! No, don't take my empty bottle-! [takes the bottle from Dr. Chinstrap. The assistant pulls out the baggie] G-give me back my sandwich! [Stan grabs the baggie, then reaches for another loose sheet, when he realizes what he's done. Cartman makes a circle around his right ear with his index finger and whistles a cuckoo tune]
Kyle: [walks up to Stan and puts a hand on his left shoulder] Dude. What's wrong with you?
Stan: I don't... I don't know.
Kyle: Maybe you should go talk to the counselor.
Scene Description: Mr. Mackey's office, later. Stan is in his office
Mr. Mackey: Stan, as your counselor, I'm here to help you with whatever problems you might have, m'kay? Now, what is the matter? [before Stan answers, he looks around the office. Mr. Mackey has a lot of junk in there]
Stan: Well, my friends are worried that I'm showing signs of... "hoarding."
Mr. Mackey: Hoarding? M'kay, what's that?
Stan: Well, apparently, it's when you... don't throw anything away and soon you find yourself, living with a, bunch of... junk?
Mr. Mackey: Hmmm, I haven't heard of that, but it- it definitely sounds bad, m'kay?
Stan: [looks around again] Mr. Mackey, is there, maybe anything you wanna talk about?
Mr. Mackey: Me? ...Like, like what?
Stan: [looks around and picks up an empty milk carton from a box] Well like, you've got an old milk carton here from a month ago that's like-
Mr. Mackey: DON'T YOU TOUCH THAT! THAT'S NOT SOMETHING TO THROW AWAY! IF YOU THROW THAT AWAY I WILL RAPE YOU IN THE MOUTH! M'KAY?! I WILL RAPE YOU IN YOUR FUCKIN' MOUTH! M'KAY?!
Scene Description: South Park Elementary faculty room. Randy and Sharon are there with Mr. Garrison, Principal Victoria, Dr. Chinstrap, and another expert
Dr. Chinstrap: There's no doubt about it. The school counselor here is a Class-5 hoarder. As for your son, Mr. and Mrs. Marsh, he's easily a Class-3.
Principal Victoria: But why is Mr. Mackey doing this now?
Sharon: Yes, our son has always been fairly clean.
Dr. Chinstrap: We don't know a lot about what causes hoarding, but we do know it often relates to some kind of psychological trauma. If it's okay with you, we'd like to run some tests on the both of them.
Sharon: Is that really necessary for Stan? It's just his locker.
Dr. Chinstrap: I don't know if you realize how serious locker hoarding is. [turns away] It can lead to room hoarding, then house hoarding. In some cases, people even hoard animals, like cats.
Randy: Oh yeah. Like that weird guy over on on Burgess Road. That guy, Mr. Yelman. He's been hoarding animals for years now.
Dr. Chinstrap: Oh no, really?
Scene Description: A pasture, day. Dr. Chinstrap and his partner are present with Sgt. Yates and an officer
Sgt. Yates: Mr. Yelman, we received some disturbing reports that you might be hoarding sheep.
Mr. Yelman: [a shepherd, or sheep herder, or sheep hoarder] ...Well I, that is I, I-
Dr. Chinstrap: It's okay, Mr. Yelman, I'm a hoarding specialist. What you have is an illness. [Mr. Yelman doesn't know what they're talking about]
Scene Description: A lab, later. Stan, Mr. Mackey, and Mr. Yelman are all on couches with electrodes attached to their temples. Dr. Chinstrap is running tests as his partner and Stan's parents watch from an observation room
Partner: Don't worry, Mr. and Mrs. Marsh. Dr. Chinstrap is a professional at memory regression. This should prove very helpful.
Dr. Chinstrap: Alright everyone, we are all here to face the disease of hoarding together. Nothing to be ashamed of, everyone here has the same problem. Whether it's office hoarding, or in the locker, or even the hoarding of animals.
Mr. Yelman: Excuse me, but uh, I am a sheep herder.
Dr. Chinstrap: It's pronounced "hoarder," and yes you are.
Mr. Yelman: But but I, uh I'm actually herding sheep.
Dr. Chinstrap: Yes, you are hurting sheep by hoarding them, aren't you? It's good you realize that.
Mr. Yelman: No, but I just thought that-
Dr. Chinstrap: Now listen: there's a psychological reason you're all doing this, and we're gonna get to the bottom of it. We're gonna do some regression therapy. I'll be taking you deep into your memories, into your past.
Mr. Mackey: M'kay, that that sounds like it could be bad, uh-kay?
Dr. Chinstrap: Trust me, I know what I'm doing. I want the three of you to relax, and think about... a cloud. A lone cloud... floating... changing... light... cool air... blowing on the cloud. float- [jumps out of his chair suddenly, startling the subjects] WAAH! HAAA! HAAA!
Mr. Mackey: What?! What?! Jesus, what?!
Mr. Yelman: Oh my God!
Dr. Chinstrap: Sorry, I just got a weird gas bubble for a second. [clears his throat] Anyway, A lone cloud... floating... wisps of cool air... now the cloud is near you, you... you reach out to it.
Mr. Mackey: [stretches his arm out] Mmm-kay...
Dr. Chinstrap: It's the cloud of your memories, of your past, [focus on Mr. Mackey] ...your childhood perhaps, ...what do you see in the cloud? Who is in the cloud?
Mr. Mackey: Billy, ...Billy Thompson?
Scene Description: Mackey's memory takes him back to the 1970s, when he was in grammar school. Three kids angrily walk towards him in the hall.
Billy: There he is! Hey, Mackey! [Mr. Mackey, talking to two other boys, suddenly drops his books and turns around]
Mackey: Oh uh, hi Billy. Nice to see ya, m'kay?
Billy: Come 'ere! [points to the spot where he wants Mackey. Mackey's friends panic and split]
Mackey: Uh well, actually I need to get home, m'kay? I uh...
Billy: You snitched and told the principal I was smoking.
Mackey: Oh well uh, uh... smoking's bad, uhkay? [Billy throws him up against a locker] Huhhhhh!
Billy: You're gonna die Mackey! [to his friends] Hold his legs! [his friends move in, but Mackey gets loose and runs away, screaming. Mackey rounds a corner, finds a room, and goes in before Billy could catch him. Billy and his friends round the corner and run past the room Mackey entered] Come back here!
Mackey: [in the darkness, starts to calm down] Okay. Okay, okay okay, it's okay. It's okay. Calm down, okay. Turn on the light. [turns on the light, revealing Stan]
Stan: What? Whoa wait, what am I doing here?
Mackey: Shh. Be quiet.
Mr. Yelman: 'Scuse me, where are we?
Mackey: Shh. You've gotta be quiet. Billy Thompson's out there.
Stan: What the hell's going on?!
Scene Description: In the observation room Dr. Chinstrap and his partner analyze some printouts
Dr. Chinstrap: What the hell is going on?!
Partner: The counselor's flat top readers are calculating with the boy's and the sheep hoarder's.
Dr. Chinstrap: Oh Jesus.
Randy: What does that mean?
Dr. Chinstrap: It means Mr. Mackey's childhood regression dream is... so vivid it actually sucked the other two patients into it.
Randy: What?!
Partner: I'm afraid your son has gone into his counselor's dream.
Randy: Aw come on, that's stupid. How's that, how's that even possible?
Dr. Chinstrap: It's not stupid at all! Pinkerton, you explain the logic and I'll provide the background.
Pinkerton: Alright. [walks up to Randy and Sharon] Look, it is possible to enter into someone else's dreams. [Dr. Chinstrap begins a musical accompaniment] Send dream trackers to go into a person's subconscious, like a spy seeing their dreams as they see them. Perhaps even planting ideas. If one person is regressing deeply enough, the dream can actually envelop those dreaming around the first person I talked about who's dreaming! And then, everyone in the dream would be in danger of never coming back. [Dr. Chinstrap ends his accompaniment at the same time]
Scene Description: Mackey's dream. Mackey runs into his bedroom, which is strewn with toys popular in the '70s.
Mackey: Yay, my bedroom! Yep, this is my happy place, m'kay?
Stan: Mr. Mackey.
Mackey: [sees his Lite Brite, runs to work on it, and sings] Lite Brite, making things with light. What a sight, making things with Lite Brite, m'kay.
Stan: Mr. Mackey, what are you doing?
Mackey: Well this is a Lite Brite, m'kay. I can make things with light, like um, birds, m'kay, clowns, m'kay.
Stan: Come on, dude, you've gotta wake up!
Mackey: Oh yeah, my Evel Knievel doll! [goes to his dresser and grabs it] I can take the motorcycle, hm'kay, I put it on this thing, like this. [puts the motorcycle on the little ramp] Okay now crank it back, and now I let go. [releases the motorcycle, which zooms across the room and does a wheelie. Mackey giggles with excitement] Okay. Okay.
Stan: Mr. Mackey, I realize this might be fun for you, but it totally isn't for me.
Mackey: Hey, look what's on! It's ZOOM!
Mr. Yelman: Excuse me, I really need to get back to my sheep.
Stan: I'm working on it!
Mackey: [Singing along with the TV] Write Zoom Z Double O M Box 350 Bos-ton Mass. Oooh two ooone three fouuur, m'kay!
Stan: [walks up to Mackey and turns him around] Dude, please wake up! You're a grown man in a psychiatrist's office! [something hits Mackey's window and he goes to see what it was. He sees Billy on the sidewalk with his friends]
Billy: You can hide in your house for now, Mackey, but tomorrow is the field trip! Frisco Woods! And I'm gonna do things to you you'll never forget!
Mackey: No, uh Billy, please, uh-kay? I'm really sorry about the smoking thing, uh.
Billy: See you in the woods tomorrow, dead man! [walks away with his friends]
Mackey: [turns away from the window] Oh Jesus...
Stan: Is that why we're here? Did something really bad happen on the field trip?
Mackey: Yeah, it's probably gonna be bad, m'kay. [looks away]
Scene Description: The lab. The patients continue dreaming and moaning
Stan: Oh-Ohhhhhhh.
Mr. Mackey: Ohhhhhhh, m'kay.
Scene Description: The observation room
Randy: What kind of hoarding specialist are you?! You trapped our son in his counselor's subconscious, and now you're saying he could die in there?!
Dr. Chinstrap: Believe me, this is the last thing I wanted to have happen.
Randy: That does it! [goes into the lab]
Dr. Chinstrap: What are you doing?!
Randy: I'm goin' in! [pulls up a couch next to Stan's] If they're locked into his regression, then maybe I can be too!
Dr. Chinstrap: Are you crazy?! Mackey is in a very unstable state!
Randy: Damn your incongruities! [hooks himself up] I'm goin' in after my son!
Dr. Chinstrap: It's a dream world where Mackey can imagine himself to be anything. It's dangerous!
Randy: I said get me in there!
Dr. Chinstrap: Alright, you wanna risk your ass?! Fine! [snaps into a soothing rush job] You see a cloud, it's a fluffy cloud, floating, happy, happy fluffy cloud. You reach out to it.
Randy: Ahhh.
Scene Description: Next day, the field trip
Bus Driver: Alright kids, everyone on the bus.
Stan: Wait wait, where the hell are we now?
Mackey: It's the day of the big field trip.
Billy: [from the bus window] Come on, Mackey. We're waitin' for ya.
Mackey: Oh Jesus.
Stan: Mr. Mackey, you have to wake up! I don't belong here! I need to have my own regression therapy!
Bus Driver: Everyone on the bus now! We're runnin' late!
Mr. Yelman: Excuse me, I'm actually a sheep herder.
Driver: It's pronounced "hoarder," young man, and if you are you should talk to the school counselor about it! [shoves him into the bus]
Mr. Yelman: Yes, but I, I'm so- wah- um.
Stan: Please, I don't wanna go on your field trip, Mackey.
Randy: Stan? [Stan looks around] Stan!
Stan: Dad? Is that you?
Randy: Yes, it's me, Stan.
Stan: Where are you?
Randy: It's me! Up here! [Stan looks up and sees him] I'm a butterfly!
Stan: The hell are you doing, dad?
Randy: I'm flying free with my beautiful butterfly wings!
Stan: Did you come here to help me?
Randy: I was gonna, but ooh! This is fun!
Stan: Dad, you gotta stop Mackey and bring us back to reality!
Randy: Butterflies have no concern for such things, Stan. I'm gonna go find me some butterly poon.
Stan: DAD!
Scene Description: in the lab, Randy is smiling
Randy: [moaning happily] Aah ahhh aha ahhh.
Stan: [moaning in frustration] Aaaaaagh!
Scene Description: The observation room. Pinkerton checks the printouts
Pinkerton: Uh oh, something's wrong.
Dr. Chinstrap: What is it?!
Pinkerton: The father. He's gone completely off chart.
Sharon: Off chart? What does that mean?
Pinkerton: We don't even know.
Dr. Chinstrap: I told him not to go into the dream after his son. He should have waited for the experts to get here.
Sharon: Who are the experts? [five men shooting guns enter the observation room, and one of them goes down with a gunshot wound]
Leonardo DiCaprio: Get that door closed! Keep me covered! [the expert in striped shirt shuts the door]
Dr. Chinstrap: Ah good, you're here.
DiCaprio: What's the sitch?!
Dr. Chinstrap: Four people, in there, all stuck in the middle one's dream.
Expert 1: We need to move them all to the next dream level before the projections kill them!
Sharon: What next dream level?
DiCaprio: Alright look. Right now they're all trapped in a dream. [Dr. Chinstrap resumes the accompaniment] We need to go in and put them under so they can go into a dream within a dream.
Sharon: Why?
Expert 1: [Black Suit (Arthur)] Because in the dream within a dream we can protect them from getting to limbo.
Sharon: What's that?
Expert 2: [in striped shirt (Eames)] Empty scary dreamspace.
Sharon: So like a nightmare?
Expert 3: [African-American (Yusef)] No, like a nightmare within a nightmare!
Sharon: Why can't you wake up from that?
Expert 1: You can, but someone inside the dream has to kick you awake from the nightmare!
Sharon: That doesn't sound very difficult.
Expert 1: It is!
Sharon: Why?
Expert 4: Arrgh.
Expert 1: We don't have time for this!
Sharon: Uh okay, fine. So you're gonna take my son to a dream within a dream, and then what?
Expert 1: Then we go into your husband's dreams!
Sharon: Okaaay...
DiCaprio: But your husband will think we're in Hasselbeck's dream.
Sharon: Okay, wait. Who's Hasselbeck?
Hasselbeck: I am.
Sharon: Okay. Wait, no. Why do we need a football player?
DiCaprio: Sometimes, thoughts of my dead wife manifest themselves as trains!
Sharon: Are you all saying that you can go into a dream and take people in that dream into their own dream?
DiCaprio: Not all the time, just this once. And maybe one other time.
Expert 1: It's so complex and cool.
Sharon: Just because an idea is overly convoluted and complex doesn't make it cool! Going to multiple dream levels sounds like a really stupid idea!
DiCaprio: You just don't get it 'cause you're not smart enough. Let's move! [the five experts and Hasselbeck enter the lab and hook themselves up]
Sharon: Will they be able to wake Mackey up?
Dr. Chinstrap: If they don't, it'll be the end of Europe as we know it.
Sharon: Why?
Dr. Chinstrap: Because.
Scene Description: Frisco Woods, day. The class has arrived at its destination
Ranger Pete: Hello kids, my name is Ranger Pete.
Class: Hi Ranger Pete.
Mackey: Hi Ranger Pete, m'kay.
Ranger Pete: Today we're gonna be learning all about these amazing evergreens and this fragile ecosystem.
Mackey: Oh that should be fun, m'kay. [looks at Billy, who looks back and punches his right palm with his left fist. His voice trembles] Ahhhh...
Ranger Pete: But first we have a very special guest. It's Woodsy Owl. [Woodsy !Owl skips into view]
Mackey: Oh boy! Woodsy Owl!
Stan: Who's that?
Mackey: "Give a hoot, don't pollute," m'kay.
Woodsy Owl: Hi, I'm Woodsy Owl, remindin' you all to please pick up your trash, and keep our forests clean. In the city or in the woods,
Mackey: Help keep Americaaa lookin' good, m'kay. [claps] Oh, boy I love that song.
Ranger Pete: Alright kids, time to split up and go into the forest. Let's divide you all up into groups of six.
Billy: We wanna be in Mackey's group!
Mackey: Oh no, that that's m'kay. We'll uh we'll get paired with someone else uh.
Ranger Pete: That's fine. You six boys can team up and be our first group in.
Mackey: Oh no, oh God here it comes, unkay? [Stan looks at the ranger, then hears gunfire, so he turns to see where it's from. The group of experts is seen chasing and shooting at Butterfly Randy]
DiCaprio: Is this the dream, or the dream within the dream?
Expert 2: I think it's the dream inside the Matrix inside the dream!
DiCaprio: Oh well. Just keep shooting!
Stan: What the fuck?
Scene Description: The lab. All the patients moan and ahhh
An Expert: Mommy? Mommy?
Scene Description: The observation room. Pinkerton, Dr. Chinstrap, and Sharon are now accompanied by several firefighters, and they all observe the patients
Fire Captain: [turns to Dr. Chinstrap] So you're saying that all those people in there are somehow trapped in one person's dream?
Dr. Chinstrap: Yes, and so that's why I called the fire department. I don't know where else to turn.
Fireman 1: But, wait, if those people got stuck in there, why wouldn't we?
Pinkerton: It's very simple: You see, [Dr. Chinstrap provides accompaniment once again] when the dream experts go in, they attempt to take the subject to a dream within a dream.
Fireman 1: Like a taco within a taco?
Fire Captain: A double-decker taco supreme.
Pinkerton: Exactly. But only dream spies have the ability to go deeper into dream levels, and firemen have the ability to bring ladders into other people's dreams.
Fire Captain: Wait wait whoa whoa, how can you take a ladder into a dream? [Dr. Chinstrap continues his accompaniment, this time pulling a lamb by its tail and including its bleat]
Pinkerton: Because the firemen dreams aren't like dreams at all. They're more like a dream within a matrix within a dream.
Pizza Man: Somebody order a pizza?
Pinkerton: No.
Dr. Chinstrap: Probably one of them in the dream.
Pizza Man: [determined] Alright, I'm goin' in. [goes into the lab. He goes to the first expert's couch, lays down next to him, and hooks himself up]
Pinkerton: Look, if we can get the fire department into the counselor's dream, then we can jump everyone down at least another six dream levels. That way we'll be in the counselor's deepest level of subconscious.
Dr. Chinstrap: And it will be like a taco, inside a taco, within a Taco Bell, that's inside a KFC, within a mall, that's INSIDE YOUR BRAIN! [provides his own accompaniment]
Scene Description: Frisco Woods, a pleasant scene. A butterfly sits on a leaf doing nothing when Randy descends on it and starts humping it. Soon, Mackey runs by and both butterflies fly away separately. Stan and Mr. Yelman chase Mackey
Mackey: Aaaaaah! Not again, m'kay! Aaaaaah!
Stan: Mr. Mackey, stop running!
Mackey: But, but they're gonna kick my butt, m'kay! [stops briefly, then runs again] They're gonna kick it bad!
Stan: Look, dude! [catches up to Mackey and stops him] Whatever happened with those bullies, you just have to stop running and face it! It's just a dream dude! You can control what happens. Stand up to them this time.
Mackey: I know what about? I don't remember what they did. I just remember the field trip being really bad, okay.
Billy: There he is! You can't run forever!
Mackey: Oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god... [Mr. Yelman catches up]
Stan: Mr. Mackey, go, and face it! Please. So that we can get out of here and find out why we're hoarding.
Mr. Yelman: But I literally herd sheep.
Stan: Shut up!
Mackey: Okay. Okay, I can do this. I'm just gonna stand and, and face what happens, okay?
Scene Description: The lab. The firemen have hooked themselves up and entered Mr. Mackey's dream.
Pizza Man: Somebody... order pizza? Pizza?
Pinkerton: Mr. Mackey must be dreaming about something extremely traumatic.
Dr. Chinstrap: Alright, that does it. [goes to the coat hanger and grabs his coat] Get your coat.
Pinkerton: Where are we going?
Dr. Chinstrap: We need to get help from the most powerful dream infiltrator in the world.
Pinkerton: You don't mean...
Scene Description: Deep in the woods, day. A small cabin is seen in the distance as three helicopters fly towards it. A familiar bogeyman is shown splitting wood with an axe.
Dr. Chinstrap: Hello, Freddy. [the bogeyman turns around and it's Freddy Krueger, now with a full beard and mustache] You're looking healthy.
Freddy Krueger: Chinstrap! What happened? You run out of stoolies to do your work?
Dr. Chinstrap: Alright, look, we're in a pickle again and we need your help. Got some people trapped inside a dream.
Freddy Krueger: Told you a long time ago: I gave that up. [resumes splitting wood]
Dr. Chinstrap: There's some good men stuck in there.
Freddy Krueger: [stops and turns around, exasperated] I said I'm done with it! [the cabin door and a woman with two kids appears in the doorway]
Woman: Everything all right, Fred?
Freddy Krueger: It's fine, Peg. Get back in the house. [Peg tugs at her kids and they all go back inside]
Dr. Chinstrap: Wife and kids.
Freddy Krueger: No thanks to you.
Dr. Chinstrap: We need ya Fred.
Freddy Krueger: Like you needed me to kill those teenagers to stop the Russians?!
Dr. Chinstrap: We had a country to protect!
Freddy Krueger: Protect it yourselves this time.
Dr. Chinstrap: Dammit I'm not working for the military anymore, Krueger!
Freddy Krueger: Then you should have no problem covering it up. [resumes splitting wood]
Dr. Chinstrap: [a few seconds later] Some of those trapped are firemen. Public servants, innocent in all of this.
Freddy Krueger: [stops, sighs, and throws his axe away] Alright, fine.
Scene Description: Frisco Woods, day. Mackey and Billy finally face off and Mackey is ready to fight
Mackey: Alright Billy, I'm not gonna let you hurt me this time, hm'kay? This time I'm gonna stand up for myself!
Billy: You? Gonna fight back? I don't think so! [Stan and Mr. Yelman look on]
Stan: You can do it Mr. Mackey.
Mackey: Go ahead and do your worst, Billy. I'm facing you head-on, m'kay?
Billy: Alright Mackey. Take this. [rears his right arm back and is about to deliver a punch when a gunshot kills him. A second gunshot hits him for good measure. The five experts converge on Billy and his friends and shoot them thoroughly]
DiCaprio: Get the perimeter secure! Make sure they're dead!
Stan: What the hell?
Expert 2: We got 'em! The bad memories are dead.
Fire Captain: [through his bullhorn] Alright everyone, this is the fire department. Do not panic.
Stan: Who are you people?
DiCaprio: We came here to rescue you from the bad guys in Mackey's dream.
Stan: Well uh, wouldn't it be better to have Mackey face them on his own?
Expert 1: No. As long as the source of the drama is wiped out, the counselor can wake up.
Expert 2: Right. [nothing happens]
Stan: ...So then why aren't we waking up?
Expert 2: Unless... the bullies aren't the source of the counselor's bad memory.
Mackey: Hey that's right. The bullies didn't even beat me up that day. I, I ran away from them.
Expert 2: [strokes the back of his neck with his left hand] Oh, whoops.
Mackey: [begins to walk away] I remember. [walks to a small shack nearby] I ran and I ran and I hid in this building here. And somebody was in there. Somebody who talked to me real nice and then... and then touched me somewhere bad. [pushes the door open. Woodsy is molesting the actual boy Mackey]
Real Mackey: No Woodsy! Hmkay? Don't touch muh pee pee. No Woodsy, please. I'll give a hoot, hm'kay?
Mackey: Woodsy Owl! No! I'll never litter again! I'll keep all my trash! No please Woodsy no! [the woods begin to rumble and shake]
Fire Captain: What's happening?
Expert 2: Dream conundrum. This is bad. [Woodsy breaks through the front wall of the shack with glowing red eyes and roars]
Fire Captain: What the hell's going on?
DiCaprio: The bad memory is manifesting itself! It didn't wanna be exposed! [Woodsy runs towards the group. The experts begin shooting at it and advance, but Woodsy remains unharmed] Our dream bullets don't hurt it. [Woodsy reaches for Mr. Yelman and decapitates him with a swipe of his left wing]
Mackey: No! No more, Woodsy. [hides his face]
Stan: Mr. Mackey, you have to wake up now!
Expert 1: He can't! Don't you get it?! We're all gonna go to limbo! [Woodsy roars again, and Freddy's blades rip through Woody's back and chest]
Freddy Krueger: There's a real hoot for ya, Woodsy! [pulls his blades out and Woodsy falls down dead]
Mackey: It's dead... It's finally dead. [grins]
Scene Description: The observation room. Dr. Chinstrap reads the printouts this time
Dr. Chinstrap: Something's happening. I'm getting Bogart levels on all counter ups.
Pinkerton: They're waking up. They're coming to. [enters the lab, and Dr. Chinstrap follows]
Scene Description: The lab. Everyone is finally out of Mackey's dream
Dr. Chinstrap: Ahhh, you're back, everyone! [grins]
Randy: Aw, dammit. [Sharon is just happy Stan is back as they grin at each other]
Fire Captain: Thanks, Freddy.
Freddy Krueger: If only I could have saved the sheep herder.
Dr. Chinstrap: Well, did you find the painful source of your hoarding problems, Mr. Mackey?
Mr. Mackey: I sure did.
DiCaprio: Turns out he was molested by Woodsy Owl.
Mr. Mackey: I completely blocked it from my memory, hm'kay?
Fire Captain: So, he was hoarding because when he tried to throw things away his subconscious would remember Woodsy's voice saying "Give a hoot, don't pollute" and touching his penis with his wing?
Pinkerton: Wow, that is so complex and trippy and cool!
Dr. Chinstrap: Well, now that we've uncovered Mackey's source of hoarding, we can finally move on to yours, Stan. Are you ready for your therapy?
Stan: [thinks a moment] I think I have a better idea.
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Stan is cleaning out his locker. Kyle and Wendy walk up to him
Wendy: Stan, did you find out the reason you've been hoarding?
Stan: Whatever it is, I don't wanna know. I'm just gonna throw this crap away like I should have to begin with.
Kyle: But dude, there must be something in your past you're not dealing with.
Stan: Don't care. After going through all that crap and seeing what happened to Mackey, I don't want any part of therapy!
Kyle: How do you know... [this stops Stan cold] that wasn't your therapy? [Dr. Chinstrap walks up and begins his accompaniment...]


Scene Description: Cartman's basement/The Coon's headquarters, day. A tapestry there now says "COON aND FRiEndS." The camera pans down to show The Coon with seven new superhero friends
Coon: My fellow heroes, tonight I stopped three murders from happening. [begins pacing back and forth] I don't know why, but we're seeing a huge trend in crime. We have to find out the source of this evil. Something big is about to happen, and it is up to Coon and Friends to stop it. [Stan raises his hand] Yes, Toolshed.
Toolshed: Why do we have to be called "Coon and Friends"?
Coon: [stops] ...What?
Toolshed: We all fight crime together. How come we're just your "friends"?
TupperWear: [steps forward] Yeah. We wanna be called "The Extreme Avenger League."
All: Yeah! That's right. Extreme Avenger League!
Coon: I told you, TupperWear, Extreme Avenger League doesn't work.
TupperWear: Why not?
Coon: It's confusing! The Coon is a brand people already know.
Mosquito: Why can't it be Mosquito and Friends?
Coon: Nobody's fucking heard of you, Mosquito!
Mosquito: Have, so.
Coon: [paces again] Look guys, we need to find out what's causing the crime wave in this city. [stops] Mysterion, you and the Human Kite get on the computer and dig up what you can. TupperWear and Mosquito, scan the news. Toolshed, you run a perimeter check with Iron Maiden.
Iron Maiden: Timmeh!
Coon: Let's work, people! [the other heroes begin to leave, but Coon holds one back] Uh, Mint-Berry Crunch, could I have a quick word with you in the debriefing chamber? [takes Mint-Berry Crunch to a corner of headquarters, sits behind a desk and sighs] Okay, ummm, I really enjoy having you be a part of Coon and Friends and I certainly appreciate your on-time paying of dues and fees; it's just... I don't... I'm not getting your deal. I mean, exactly what is Mint-Berry Crunch supposed to mean? [Mint-Berry Crunch's jaw drops] I, I get that you're half man and half berry, and that you're... crunchy with some mint, but... to be a part of Coon and Friends, you have to have a clear and more... superhero kind of identity. [Mint-Berry Crunch just looks at himself, then back at Coon] Mint-Berry Crunch, ummm, I'm just wondering if... maybe you need to add something else to the Mint-Berry Crunch part of your costume.
Mint-Berry Crunch: [looks at himself again] Like milk?
Coon: [annoyed] No, not like milk! You see, I really think we're on different pages here, Mint-Berry Crunch! It's like you don't even- [an alarm sounds]
Alarm: Coon and Friends alert. Coon and Friends alert.
Coon: Uh oh! [quickly leaves his chair. The superheroes meet up again in front of a big monitor, which is receiving video in Coon-O-Vision.] What's the alert, Mosquito?
Mosquito: There's like a big fire or something in town.
Coon: What? A fire? Coon volume up! [grabs the remote and clicks the up arrow for volume]
News 4 Reporter: There's thought to be at least twenty people trapped inside the apartment building, and firefighters are having no luck.
Coon: My God, this is what we've been waiting for! Coon and Friends, let's head out!
Coon's Friends: Let's do it! Yeah! Let's go! [they begin to head out, but Cartman stops Mint-Berry Crunch again]
Coon: Yeah, uhh, Mint-Berry Crunch, why don't you stay here and mind the place, okay? Kewl. [Mint-Berry Crunch stays behind as the others leave]
Scene Description: Cartman's house, moments later. The boys come out of the basement
Coon: We've got to get downtown fast, Coon Friends! [walks up to Liane, who's sitting on the sofa reading a book, and stops] Mom, you've gotta drive us downtown!
Liane: Ohh, it's a little late, sweetie. Why don't you boys just keep playing downstairs?
Coon: Mom, you're the Coon's faithful butler! I wanna go downtown now!
Liane: Well, all right. [puts down her book and blanket] I guess I can get some groceries anyway. [rises and leads the boys out to the car]
Scene Description: Liane's car
Coon: Into the Coon Mobile, everyone! Let's just hope we get there in time! [everyone gets in]
Liane: All right, are you little munchkins buckled up for safety?
Coon: Mom, don't talk to us like that! We're fucking superheroes!
Liane: [bangs the center armrest with her right fist] Eric, what have we talked about with that language?! One more time and I'm not taking you anywhere!
Coon: [exasperated] Oh... I'm sorry Mom, can we go please? [Liane starts the car, and under his breath Coon says] Unbelievable! [crosses his arms]
Scene Description: Downtown. Fire trucks are everywhere and a few hoses fight the fire. Police are also present
Fireman: We tried gettin' in through the back; it was no good!
Fire Captain: Those people are gonna die if we don't do something!
Liane: [pulls up] Oh my goodness, it's a fire. [the boys leave the car]
Coon: Come on, Coon Friends!
Liane: No- Eric, stay in the car, sweetie!
Fire Captain: Can we try a helicopter?
Fireman: The winds are too high. The chopper would burn in minutes. [Coon and Friends walk up next to the firemen]
Coon: All right, what seems to be the problem?
Fire Captain: Get back, kids. It isn't safe.
Liane: [walks around looking for Cartman] Eric, poopsie?
Coon: Whatever's happening, you need help from the Coon!
Mosquito: And friends!
Fire Captain: Keep those children back, Thompson! [Liane finds the boys and walks up to them]
Coon: Please sir, you must let us-
Liane: Sweetie, let the nice firemen do their job.
Coon: Shut! Up! Mom! God!
Officer: Wait. Look! Up in the sky!
Fireman: It's him! My God, it's really him!
Fire Captain: He's come to help us. Captain Hindsight! [in the distance a superhero flies towards the town. He's wearing red and yellow tights and a black cope with a blue eye on it - looking behind]
Stan: Who's Captain Hindsight?
Announcer: Captain Hindsight, the hero of the modern age. [a series of comic book pictures follows] Once known as Jack Brolin, a reporter for the national news, the hero was born when a freak accident gave him the amazing power of extraordinary hindsight. From toxic spills to unjust wars there is no task too large for... Captain Hindsight! [the hero descends and lands next to the firemen]
Fire Captain: Captain Hindsight, thank God you've come!
Captain Hindsight: What's the skinny?
Fireman: There's people trapped in that burning building, Captain Hindsight. And the fire is so massive we can't get to them.
Captain Hindsight: Hmmm... You see those windows on the right side? They should have built fire escapes on those windows for the higher floors, then people could have gotten down. And then on the roof: they should have built it with a more reinforce structure, so a helicopter could have landed on it.
Fireman: Yes, of course.
Captain Hindsight: And then you see that building to the left?
Fire Captain: Yes.
Captain Hindsight: They shouldn't have built that there. Because now you can't park any fire trucks where you really need to. [stands up tall] Well, looks like my job here is done. Goodbye everyone! [takes off]
Fireman: Thank you, Captain Hindsight!
Officer: Thank youuu!
Fire Captain: All right everyone, I guess that's it. Let's pack it up. [the firemen and officers quickly pack up and leave, but the building keeps burning. Coon and Friends can only watch helplessly as trapped residents scream.]
Scene Description: The Marsh house, dinner time. The family is eating quietly
Randy: Whoa, boy, did you hear about that fire downtown, Sharon?
Sharon: Oh my gosh, yes! They said like 14 people died.
Randy: It's just ridiculous to me that they didn't build fire escapes on those upper floors! Ridiculous!
Sharon: Oh I know, and if you ask me, they should've built a roof with enough support to land a helicopter.
Randy: I mean, hello!
Stan: Hey you guys are just repeating what that hindsight guy said.
Randy: Why yes, Stan. Captain Hindsight is our protector and guardian. We're just thankful he was there for that fire. And now we can all eat in peace. [an alarm sounds]
Alarm: Coon and Friends alert. Coon and Friends alert. [they look around for the source of the alarm, then get up and enter the living room]
Randy: What the hell is that? [they stop in front of the alarm] Who put that there?
Alarm: Alert: Seriously. All Coon Friends to base. Alert, you guys. I'm seriously.
Stan: [backs up towards the stairs] Mom, Dad? I I finished dinner. Can I go up to my room?
Sharon: [distracted] Well sure, Stan. [Stan goes upstairs] Wha- How did that thing get there, Randy?
Randy: I don't know.
Sharon: Well take it down. It's noisy.
Randy: I can't. I don't know what happened to all my tools. [the alarm stays on as they look at each other in wonder.]
Scene Description: The Coon's headquarters, day. Toolshed enters the basement, revving his drill
Coon: Alright, Toolshed is here. We can start.
Toolshed: Dude, who said you could put a big siren in my parents' house?
Mosquito: Yeah, I almost got in trouble for it.
Coon: The Coon must be able to signal his friends when a huge catastrophe breaks out.
TupperWear: So what's the huge catastrophe?
Coon: What's the huge-? Did you guys not see that Captain Hindsight guy?!
The Human Kite: Yeah, so?
Coon: So there's a big superhero out there doing stuff on his own and he's NOT part of Coon and Friends!
Toolshed: Oh Jesus...
Coon: [walks up to a hidden computer, which is actually a prop] I've looked into it and this Captain Hindsight is everywhere. He's like some freelance butthole scab. We need to make him join us!
Professor Chaos: Hey fellas? [the boys turn to see him] Fellas, could you let me out please? It uh it's been like six days. [he's in the Coon's holding cell, with a light outside by which he could see.]
Coon: You aren't going anywhere, Chaos!
Professor Chaos: Yeah, but uh, but uh youuu, but you only gave me this bucket to poop in and it's full now. [pulls the bucket into view] And I ain't got nothin' to eat.
Coon: You've got poop, don'tcha? [goes back to the other boys] Now the question is, how are we gonna get Captain Hindsight to join Coon and Friends?
Mysterion: Who cares if a hero doesn't want to be part of Coon and Friends?
Coon: I CARE!
Mysterion: Look, all we need to do is wait for the next disaster, then try to beat Hindsight to the scene.
Coon: There's not gonna be any worse disaster. What could possibly be worse than a fire that kills fourteen people?!
Scene Description: Marine Sanctuary, day. A pelican rests on a sign at the end of a string of buoys. It takes off as a huge freighter floats by and breaks the string in two. It's a BP Oil ship
BP Man 1: All right, this looks like a jolly good place.
BP Man 2: Yes. Let's let her rip. [a crane operator pulls some levers, releasing a cable which enable a giant drill to descend into the water. The drill hits the sea bottom and all the marine animals there scatter.]
BP Man 3: That's it, lads. Collect that oil! [the drill hits some rock and shakes from the impact]
BP Man 4: Uh oh! [oil begins to ooze out of the hole into the ocean. It quickly reaches the surface and lots of dead fish pop up immediately] Oh deah.
BP Man 3: Oh, don't tell me we did it again?
Scene Description: The McCormick house, night. Stuart and his wife are in bed asleep; their bedroom window is open. An alarm goes off and they jump out of bed, frightened
Alarm: Coon and Friends alert. Coon and Friends alert. [they exit the room and see the alarm in the hallway] All Coon Friends report to base. I'm so seriously. Emergency. Coon and Friends alert. [Kenny appears and is ready to go. He turns away and is carrying a small back pack over his right shoulder. He goes to a far window and climbs out]
Scene Description: The Coon's headquarters. The Human Kite, Mysterion, Mint-Berry Crunch, and Mosquito enter it and come down the stairs
Coon: Good, you're all here. Take a look at this. Coon volume up! [raises the volume. On screen is the BP oil spill]
Scene Description: The Gulf, in Coon-O-Vision
Reporter: It's a scene of utter despair and catastrophe. Oil from the ocean is spill out out of control, and the rescue effort seems futile.
Man: It's horrible. We can't stop the oil from contaminatin' everything.
Woman: Our home is covered in sludge. Where are we supposed to go?
Cajun Shrimp Merchant: Git a lookie on mah scrimp heuh! Might as give ya the best scrimp this side of Louisiana and now down tuh where we all got up in our scrimp, and it ain't worth a slimy noob it ain't sold on. There, now lookit all the url on mah scrimp!
Scene Description: Coon Headquarters
Mysterion: My God! Another oil spill could mean absolute devastation for the Gulf!
The Human Kite: We've got to help those people!
Coon: Yes. This is definitely a job for Coon and Friends.
Mint-Berry Crunch: Let's pack the Gulf full of flavor! [Cartman looks at him in disbelief]
Scene Description: The Gulf. As rescuers clean up as best they can, one of them looks up in the sky
Rescuer 1: [a woman] Wait a minute. Look! It's Captain Hindsight! [Captain Hindsight flies towards the rescuers and they begin cheering]
Coon: Oh no!
Captain Hindsight: What seems to be the problem?
Rescuer 2: It's that BP Oil rig, Captain Hindsight. It drilled into a marine sanctuary and the environment is being poisoned.
Rescuer 3: If we can't stop it, the spill could reach New Orleans.
Captain Hindsight: [thinks] Hmm... All right. You see where that rig is drilling?
Rescuer 3: Yes.
Captain Hindsight: It's in too deep of water. They shouldn't have drilled in that deep of water, because now they can't get machines deep enough to fix the spill!
Rescuer 2: Aha!
Rescuer 4: Yesss, YESSS.
Captain Hindsight: Now, if it's a valve that ruptured, then what they should have done is installed the backup valve in case that valve broke.
Rescuer 2: I believe they did install a backup safety valve, Captain Hindsight.
Captain Hindsight: [thinks] Hmmm... Right. Then they should have had a backup safety valve to that backup safety valve!
Rescuer 5: My God, he's right!
Captain Hindsight: My work here is done! I'm off to fine others in need!
Rescuer 4: God bless you, Captain Hindsight! God bless you!!
Scene Description: Coon Headquarters
Coon: Goddammit! We have got to get that guy into Coon and Friends!
Scene Description: Jack Brolin's mansion, day. Cartman, dressed in a business suit, rings the bell by the front door
Butler: [answering the door] Can I help you?
Cartman: I understand this is where Captain Hindsight lives?
Butler: Yes?
Cartman: I need to speak with him, please.
Butler: The captain is very busy dealing with the Gulf oil crisis.
Cartman: I believe I have something that can help him deal with that oil crisis, sir.
Butler: Mr. Hindsight, sir. [Hindsight sits behind his desk looking at three monitors with 12 screens each. He turns around at the mention of his name] This young man would like a word.
Captain Hindsight: Please, sit down. What can I do for you?
Cartman: Mr. Hindsight, I represent some very high-profile people, [sets his briefcase on the table and opens it] and I've been asked to give you some really exciting news. [takes out an application to join Coon and Friends and hands it to Hindsight] You, have been pre-approved to become the newest member, of Coon and Friends.
Captain Hindsight: [takes the application] Of what?
Cartman: I know the Coon personally, and I can tell you, being a Coon friend is the very highest honor. As you can see in those papers, your first three months of dues have actually been waived. This must be amazingly exciting for you.
Officer 2: [from one of the 36 screens] Captain Hindsight? Captain Hindsight, please come in! [Hindsight walks over to see what the matter is]
Captain Hindsight: Go ahead.
Officer 2: The oil keeps coming out! We've got other rigs now catching fire!
Captain Hindsight: Listen! They should have hosed down the other rigs as soon as the spill began, and that wouldn't have happened.
Officer 2: Right. [salutes] Thank you! [Hindsight salutes back. Another screen comes on to his right]
Fireman 2: Captain Hindsight! The dolphins that those volunteers cleaned of oil, they, they're all dying!
Captain Hindsight: Get down to the volunteers and tell them they should have used a non-bleaching cleanser! Commissioner!
Commissioner: Yes?
Captain Hindsight: Tell Brett Favre he should have never sent actual pictures of his schlong! [the screen the commissioner was on switches over to Santa Monica Pier as Hindsight shows his fatigue] It's not a blessing, it's a curse.
Cartman: [waits a few seconds, then] ...So, anyways, if you wanna just start filling out the form, we'll get you enrolled in Coon and Friends right away.
Captain Hindsight: Look, I'm sorry kid, but I work alone.
Cartman: Well, see, the problem with that is there's a superhero union called Coon and Friends. But if you refuse to be a part of that union. you are a scab!
Captain Hindsight: Get this kid out of here! I have to think!
Cartman: [gathers the form and puts it back in the briefcase] Fine! You'll be hearing from my lawy- the Coon's lawyer, sir! [walks away]
Scene Description: BP Crisis special report
Anchor Man: The BP Oil spill in the Gulf continues to get worse every day. As public anger towards the BP Company grows, their president released this statement:
Scene Description: A BP oil rig
Tony Hayward: [a soft acoustic guitar begins to play] Hello, I'm Tony Hayward, president and CEO of BP. Our accidental drilling spill again in the Gulf is a tragedy that should have never happened. And to all those affected, I want to say, we are deeply sorry. [switch to camera 2 to his left, and he turns to look at it] We're sorry. [on the tundra dressed in winter gear, stroking a baby arctic seal] We're sorry. [in the kitchen with an apron on, taking a tray of chocolate chip cookies from the oven] We're sorry. [skis towards the camera and stops] Sorry. [back on the oil rig] BP has taken full responsibility for cleaning up this spill in the Gulf, and in doing so, we've changed our name from Beyond Petroleum, to Dependable Petroleum. [a shot of the Earth and Moon in an interesting configuration. The Earth has two drills attached to it, the Moon has large creators that look similar to a face, and clouds look similar to flailing arms] We no longer fuck the earth, we DP it.
Scene Description: Coon Headquarters. The Coon has his friends gathered around his Coon table. "QUIET. COON-FERENCE IN SESSION"
Coon: Gentlemen, my attempts to recruit Captain Hindsight into Coon and Friends have been unsuccessful, but I believe I've come up with a solution. Coon Vision on! [a projector screen is shown, as is the projector on the table. Pictures begin to appear on screen] All we need to do is get pictures of Captain Hindsight naked with Courtney Love. Then we'll tell him if he doesn't join us, we'll put them on the Internet.
Toolshed: How do we get pictures of him naked with Courtney Love?
Coon: Simple, Toolshed. Coon slide 2? [the next slide clicks into place] We dress Professor Chaos up as Courtney Love, take pictures of him naked with a homeless guy, then photoshop Hindsight's face onto it.
Professor Chaos: Me?? Awww, come on, fellas, don't make me be Courtney Love.
Coon: Gotta get to work fast, people! Coon and Friends, ho!
Mosquito: ...You want us to take naked pictures of Butters to use as blackmail? That doesn't sound very superhero-like.
Coon: That's because you think small, Mosquito! You have a tiny little mosquito brain, that's why you don't come up with the plan!
Mosquito: Nono, look. what's going on down in the Gulf is much more important than blackmailing another hero.
Mysterion: Agreed.
Coon: Oh who cares about some oil spill environment crap?!
Toolshed: Mosquito has a good plan, Cartman! Hear him out!
Coon: You don't know that I'm Cartman because my true identity is secret!
Mysterion: We all have a say in this organization, Coon! Let Mosquito talk!
Coon: [grudgingly] All right, Mosquito, how do you wanna help people suffering in the Gulf crisis? [crosses his arms]
Mosquito: I think we should help raise money for the relief aid by having a bake sale.
Coon: [challenging] A bake sale?
Mosquito: I have a recipe for lemon bars from my mom. We could wear our costumes outside the grocery store and sell lemon bars. Which would be a good deed, and help people.
Coon: We're superheroes, not the fucking Girl Scouts!
Mysterion: Those people down there need help! Sometimes being a hero means helping in smaller ways.
Iron Maiden: Timmeh!
Coon: [challenging] You think selling lemon bars is helpful to mankind?
Mint-Berry Crunch: More helpful than taking naked pictures of Butters.
Coon: Shut up, Mint-Berry Crunch! You aren't even anything!
Mosquito: And that's another thing: no more picking on Mint-Berry Crunch!
Coon: Oh, what are you, the boss now?!
Mosquito: No, but we are all equal! From now on, we vote! Who wants to go with my plan? [everybody but Coon raises a hand. The Iron Maiden lifts a sword]
Coon: [crosses his arms again, sarcastic] Sounds awesome. Let's do it.
Toolshed: To the grocery store!
Scene Description: A street in the neighborhood. Coon leads his friends down the street. A classical piece plays as the boys are shown in slow motion.
Coon: [thinking] As we walked along the road to the grocery store, my Coon sense started tingling. Something was wrong. Very wrong. I've learned to trust my Coon sense. It has always been my guide. And so I knew I must act. A coon must know when to defend itself. [Coon turns to his right and high-kicks Mospuito on the cheek. Mosquito goes up in the air and bounces on the road. Coon kicks him in the balls and leaps at him, and grins. He spreads his claws out and slashes Mosquito on the left temple. Mint-Berry Crunch moves to intervene while Coon continues to rake Mosquito across the face. Coon notices Mint-Berry Crunch coming to Mosquito's aid and slashes him too.]
Scene Description: A dinner, later. Coon and his friends are seated around a large table. Mosquito and Mint-Berry Crunch are battered and bruised. Mosquito's vuvuzela snout is crimped
Coon: [after a while] Well, now we're back to normal. [smiles] Just like before and all forgotten? Right right?
Mint-Berry Crunch: [defeated] Right right.
Mosquito: [defeated] Right.
Coon: Keewwwl! So what's next for Coon and Friends? [no one says a word, and Coon takes a sip of his soda]
Scene Description: Another BP Crisis special report
Anchor Man: Another crisis in the Gulf of Mexico as the oil company DP has once again made a huge error. [a glowing plasma seeps out of a big hole while strange creatures float and walk out of there] This time, the oil company has accidentally ripped a hole into another dimension. [beachgoers run for their lives as a many-mouthed three-legged creature lumbers by. A flying creature drops down on a woman, scoops her up in its tentacles, and rips her in two at the waist. Other winged creatures swoop in and abduct other beachgoers. Different creatures walk by the pier and scoop up visitors there, then drop them into open mouths that look like Venus fly traps] The oil company stated that it knew a portal to another dimension was there, but didn't think drilling into it would prove problematic. [two men are fishing when another creature pops up and eats them] Now hundreds of creatures from another dimension are spilling out into our reality and wreaking havoc. [a giant starfish creature sits on the pier floor when a man gets curious and leans in. It snaps shut, leaving him headless. Everyone else jumps back and a woman screams]
Scene Description: Hayward's BP oil rig
Tony Hayward: [a soft acoustic guitar begins to play] Hello, I'm Tony Hayward, CEO of DP. Tearing a hole into another dimension is a tragedy that should have never happened. And as CEO, I would like to say... We're sorry. [sitting in an armchair by the fireplace stroking a sleeping lap puppy] We're sorry. [sitting in a prairie holding a dandelion] We're sorry. [blows the seeds off the dandelion stem. Next, he's in bed looking up somewhat seductively] Sohr-ry.
Scene Description: Jack Brolin's mansion, day. Captain Hindsight is at his desk looking glum.
Butler: [appears] Captain Hindsight! Sir! Calls for help are pouring in! You've got to get out to the Gulf!
Captain Hindsight: I can't help anyone right now! Something came up.
Butler: What, sir? You know you can tell me.
Captain Hindsight: Do you remember last week when I... got really really drunk?
Butler: Yes sir.
Captain Hindsight: Look at those photos on the desk. [the butler walks up to the desk and looks at the photos. The first one is Butters as Courtney Love posing for the camera and the homeless man standing on a stool behind him naked, with Hindsight's face photoshopped onto him. Next, it's Butters on the stool with the homeless man standing behind him. Next, it's Butters posing for the camera and standing on the homeless man's back]
Butler: My God, is that you and... Courtney Love?
Captain Hindsight: 'Course it's Courtney Love!
Butler: But when did you have a-
Captain Hindsight: I don't remember! That's just the point! I get drunk, I don't remember things! I shouldn't have drank that much, and I shouldn't have mixed alcohols! Alcohol shouldn't be legal! Oh it's maddening!
Butler: That doesn't matter now, sir! People are getting hurt in the Gulf and they need to know what they could've done!
Captain Hindsight: I should have never kept that bottle of Macallan in the pantry! I should have never gotten around Courtney Love and a camera. I should-
Butler: Sir! SIR!
Scene Description: Another BP Crisis special report, continued
Reporter: Creatures from another dimension continue to wreak havoc in the Gulf, and the question everyone is asking is, "Where is Captain Hindsight?"
Rescuer 6: Where are you, Captain Hindsight?
Cajun Shrimp Merchant: Where are d'you countih ninety-oh bebbly now is showmesitchcum.
Reporter: With Captain Hindsight missing, what superheroes can save the Gulf now?
Scene Description: Coon Headquarters. The Coon has his friends gathered around his Coon table. His smear campaign is a complete success
Coon: My fellow superheroes, I have done it. Hindsight is taken care of. And now the country can finally be made aware of Coon and Friends!
Toolshed: There's more important things to discuss right now!
Coon: Right, Toolshed. Now, how do we deal with these creatures from another dimension?
Mysterion: He means we need to discuss things with you!
Coon: Okay, what?
Mysterion: Aw, I don't wanna tell him. TupperWear, you tell him!
TupperWear: I don't wanna tell him either.
The Human Kite: I'll tell him. Coon, I'm sorry, but we're kicking you out of Coon and Friends.
Coon: You're kicking me out of Coon and Friends.
Toolshed: We all voted, it was unanimous.
Coon: You can't kick me out of Coon and Friends, I'm the fucking Coon!
The Human Kite: Look, we just believe that you have your goals and ways of doing things and they conflict with what we want to accomplish.
Mysterion: But we get the headquarters and all the equipment.
Coon: You don't keep anything! This is my basement and I'll tell my mom on you guys!
Mysterion: We've already discussed this with her. Mrs. Cartman? [she walks in and approaches Mysterion]
Liane: Yes, Mysterion?
Mysterion: Please escort the Coon out of our secret base.
Liane: [takes Coon away from the table and up the stairs] Eric, I talked to you about beating up your friends, didn't I?
Coon: Mom, what the fuck?! The fuck are you doing?!
Scene Description: upstairs. Liane takes Coon out of the basement and shuts the door. Coon tries to get back in, but can't
Liane: Eric, you do not beat up your friends! And I told you I've had it with your language! [crosses her arms] Your punishment is that your friends will just play superheroes without you! Go to your room!
Coon: [incredulous] You've gotta be fucking kidding me!
Scene Description: The DP boardroom, day.
DP Executive 1: Oh dear, we have certainly pooped our trousers this time!
Tony Hayward: Yes, I'm afraid it's going to take more than another "I'm sorry" campaign to please everyone this time.
DP Executive 2: Oh, what a right pickle we're in. [a flying creature floats up past the windows carrying a screaming man]
DP Executive 3: There is no way to cut the dimensional portal, I'm afraid. The ocean currents and swells are simply too much to get any machines in.
Tony Hayward: Wait a tick! [rises] Currents and swells, that's it! I think I know how to fix this!
DP Executive 4: How, by Jove?
Tony Hayward: We drill.
DP Executives: Drill of course, yes, yes, of course.
Tony Hayward: I believe that if we drill on the moon, changing its gravitational pull on our ocean swells, we could cut the dimensional spill.
DP Executive 5: I don't quite get it.
Tony Hayward: We got into this mess by drilling heuh [the Gulf of Mexico], and heuh [somewhere in Peru]. Now, we need to drill heuh! [draws a drill bit entering the moon]
DP Executive 6: That looks extremely promising!
Tony Hayward: Our environment should stabilize if it's getting drilled here, here, and here at the same time.
DP Executive 6: The seismic forces will be massive. Do you think the moon can take it?
Tony Hayward: [arms crossed] Oh, she'll take it.
Scene Description: A launch pad, day. A DP rocket takes off
Scene Description: The moon. DP's newest rig is now up and running as DP astronauts spread out from the rig. Nearby are the bodies of Willzy-x and Tom Cruise
Anchor Man: The DP Oil Company today drilled into the moon and appears to have caused even greater problems.
Stan: Uh oh, I have a feeling we'd better get into our costumes again, guys.
Scene Description: News 4 Breaking News: DP unleashes Cthulhu
Reporter: Tom, the DP Oil Company has had another drilling accident. [Cthulhu appears looming over the oil rig in the Gulf] This time they appear to have unleashed the dark and mighty Cthulhu. [Cthulhu swats a helicopter down with just a gentle wave of his right arm] The rise of Cthulhu from another dimension brings about three thousand years of darkness, Tom, where we will all be driven to madness and made to service Cthulhu's cult as slaves. The president of DP Oil released this press statement:
Tony Hayward: [a soft acoustic guitar begins to play. First, Hayward is at his ranch looking at some horses. He turns around and faces the camera] As president of DP Oil, I want to say... We're sorry. [in the bathroom shaving] I'm deeply sorry. [naked on a bear rug before a fireplace, his butt cheeks rosy-red] Sorry.
Reporter: Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn. Praise the dark Cthulhu, long may he reign.
Stan: It's up to us, guys. Let's get to the Gulf! [the seven suit up and leave the house. Mysterion goes to the camera and covers it with his cape]
Scene Description: Cartman's room, night. Cartman is dressed as the Coon and stands in the window looking out over the backyard
Cartman: [voice over] Darkness has taken over our town. The Coon and Friends have given in to evil. It's up to the Coon to stop them.
Cartman: Asshoooles! [leaps out of window]


Scene Description: VCI Goes A Bg on it then A comic book appears from Komik Faktory Press. Mysterion. The cover has him dropping down from the sky ready for action. Mysterion's voice is heard
Mysterion: I am Mysterion. Though only nine years old, I dedicate my life to helping people - when I'm not in school. [the book opens to a random page. On that page he is defeating Professor Chaos] For months now I've been protecting my town from crime. But now, something has happened that even I cannot fight alone. [a picture of the oil rig, updating every few seconds to show the spread of the oil slick] The BP Oil Company has drilled and caused a spill in the Gulf like no other. The President of BP apologized.
Tony Hayward: [on the rig] We're sorry.
Mysterion: But they drilled again, and tore open a portal into another dimension.
Tony Hayward: [in the field, reclining for the camera] We're sorry. [some pages flip over and various creatures are shown]
Mysterion: Creatures from that dimension are now wreaking havoc in the Gulf. BP tried to solve the problem by drilling on the moon, but instead they caused the dark lord Cthulhu to emerge.
Tony Hayward: [on the bear rug by the fireplace, naked, on his belly] Sorry. [next page has the Coon and Friends as they burst forth from headquarters. Mosquito and Human Kite are shown flying.]
Mysterion: I have joined forces with other superheroes in my neighborhood to help save the Gulf. But even the other heroes do not know that unlike them, I do have a power. A power they will now begin to understand. And all will know who and what I truly am! [a swarm of ?'s flies around the screen, and the name of the episode appears]
Scene Description: Food for Little, day. The little superheroes are at two tables selling lemon bars. Five for $3
Woman 1: Just terrific what you boys are doing.
Mysterion: Thank you, ma'am.
Man 1: [holding some bars] I'll take twenty lemon bars, you little rascals.
Field Reporter: A terrific human interest story here, Tom. As America wonders what happened to Captain Hindsight, some Colorado kids are being a little "superhuman" themselves. They call themselves "Coon and Friends," and they've been baking and selling lemon bars to help aid those affected in the Gulf crisis.
Mysterion: We believe that every little bit helps.
Field Reporter: Their little "super club" consists of seven young heroes. [the boys each strike a pose as they announce themselves]
Toolshed: Toolshed!
Human Kite: The Human Kite!
Mysterion: Mysterion!
TupperWear: TupperWear!
Mosquito: Mosquito!
Iron Maiden: Timmah!
Mint-Berry Crunch: Mint Berry Crrrunch! [twirls around]
Field Reporter: The boys stated that there used to also be a hero named The Coon actually in the group, but they let him go because he was being quote, [reads from his cue card] "a dick".
Toolshed: Mysterion, if Cartman's gone, why are we still calling ourselves Coon and Friends?
Mysterion: Because it pisses Cartman off beyond belief, and I find that [chuckles] extremely funny.
Scene Description: An airport lobby. Cartman awaits his flight with several other people. The group is waiting at Gate 34.
Clerk: Passengers waiting for flight 73 to New Orleans, we thank you for your patience, but the conditions in the Gulf are still delaying our departure. Unfortunately, we've just been informed that the dark lord Cthulhu has shat on the runway at the New Orleans airport, and we'll be delayed at least another hour.
Passengers: Awwww!
Coon: Come on, people! Some of us need to get to New Orleans NOW! [the other passengers look at him] Yes yes, I am the Coon.
Blonde Girl: The Coon? I've heard of that.
Coon: Ya have?
Blonde Girl: I saw on TV. That superhero group that's helping with the Gulf spill. Coon and Friends.
Coon: Actually, I'm no longer with Coon and Friends. I work on my own now.
Blonde Girl: Can I ask you a question?
Coon: Yes, of course.
Blonde Girl: Do you know Mint-Berry Crunch? What's he like? [Coon glares at her and then punches her out of her seat. He then pounces on her and begins to beat her up. A man comes to pull Coon off the girl, and she gets to punch him back. In comic book form, the man says "That's it, Coon!" while others cheer, "GO COON!"]
Coon: [explains what's happening in the panels. He imagines her as bigger than him] The evil girl villain fought with all her might, but the Coon was too much for her. As people looked on and cheered for the Coon, he clawed and punched the villain's stupid fat face! ["TAKE THAT YOU EVIL BITCH"] This fight would not be the last the Coon fought. Next stop: New Orleans!
Scene Description: Food for Little, day. The little superheroes are at two tables selling lemon bars, but there are a few bars left.
Mosquito: That's almost it, superheroes. We're about out of lemon bars.
Toolshed: Well then, perhaps we should return to our secret base and bake some more!
Iron Maiden: Timmah! [a man with a creepy fixed grin approaches them]
Man 2: I'll take ten lemon bars.
Mosquito: Ten. Yes sir! [takes the man's cash and gives him the remaining bars]
Human Kite: That's definitely the last of them.
Man 2: You'll never stop him, you know. [Mosquito and Mint-Berry Crunch look at each other in foreboding music]
Mosquito: Stop who?
Man 2: The Great One. [his head sways back and forth as he speaks] Cthulhu. He has risen, and soon all will be under his rule. It has all been foretold in the Necronomicon. [takes his bars, turns around and walks away. He looks back briefly] Hail Cthulhu! The darkness of the mythos is finally here. [samples one of the bars] Oh man, these are really good lemon bars. [turns around and goes to his car]
Toolshed: The Necronomicon?
TupperWear: What's a mythos?
Mysterion: I don't know, but I think we'd better find out.
Toolshed: All right, superheroes. Back to our secret base!
Mint-Berry Crunch: Mint-Berry Crrunch!
Scene Description: Coon and Friends secret base, former Coon headquarters, Cartman's basement. The superheroes rush in to find it in ruins
TupperWear: What the hell?!
Mosquito: I knew it! Cartman tore our base up!
Mysterion: Not Cartman.
Human Kite: What do you mean "Not Cartman," dude?
Mysterion: Whoever did this to our base was looking for something.
Captain Hindsight: [silhouette, holding a gun] Don't anybody move! [comes into the light, drunk] So you're the superheroes trying to blackmail me!
Toolshed: Aw, dude, it's Captain Hindsight.
Narrator: Captain Hindsight, [the captain takes a sip of Macallan] the hero of the modern age. Once a reporter for the National News, Jack Brolin always had a knack for hindsight. ["Perhaps they should have called the police sooner"] Wanting to become the best-known reporter in the country, Jack tried an experiment to boost his hindsight levels. But then a freakish accident occurred when a retroactive spider got into the equipment. The reporter's hindsight was blasted to superhuman levels! ["It's too much!" He holds his head together. "I shouldn't have done that!"] For months he was able to use his new powers for good, fighting for peace, and the American way. [a panel shows him helping firefighters] With his three trusty companions, Shoulda, Coulda, and Woulda. [three creatures with only hind legs and lower lips thrust out] But now, the Hindsight that has saved so many threatens to consume Jack's very soul. It's Captaiiin Hindsight!
Captain Hindsight: I shoulda never mixed vodka and Jack Daniels. I shoulda just gone to bed last night!
Toolshed: Um dude, are you okay?
Captain Hindsight: [cocks and aims his pistol at the boys] Where are the pictures?! Give every copy of the pictures to me NOW!
Mint-Berry Crunch: P-p-please sir, w-we don't know what you mean.
Captain Hindsight: [whips out the pictures mailed to him] You got pictures of me having sex with Courtney Love!
Professor Chaos: Uhhh ohhh...
Mysterion: Chaos! Why did you take those pictures?!
Professor Chaos: But uh, but, but the Coon said if I took the pictures he, he'd let me go home and, and I've missed four days of school now 'cause I've been-
Captain Hindsight: Alright enough! What's going on?!
Mysterion: Hindsight, that isn't Courtney Love! Our former member, the Coon, tricked you!
Captain Hindsight: It's not Courtney Love?
Mysterion: Please sir, put down the gun.
Captain Hindsight: No! What if I put down the gun and realize I shouldn't have?!
Toolshed: Look dude, we don't need to play Superhero anymore. We can just go home.
Captain Hindsight: NO! Because I could realize I shoulda killed you all!
Mysterion: Then do it! [walks right up to the pistol and places himself at the end of the barrel] Pull the trigger, Hindsight! If you don't believe us then you don't have a choice! Pull the trigger, you pussy!
Human Kite: Dude, Kenny, ch-chill out.
Mysterion: You guys go! I'll deal with this prick!
Mint-Berry Crunch: [the first up the stairs] Wuh uh okay, if you insist. Uh see ya, Kenny.
Human Kite: My mom did tell me I had to be home by five, I-
Mysterion: I said it's fine! Just go! [the other boys leave]
Toolshed: [stops] Uh, text me later, Kenny, if you wanna, like, play basketball or somethin'. [leaves]
Scene Description: The Gulf. Cthulhu is tearing the piers apart. He takes a tilt-a-whirl and throws it at the fleeing crowd. The Coon climbs up the side of a roller coaster as burning pieces of it fall down past him. Soon the beach is clear of sunbathers and Coon reaches the top of the coaster. He runs along the tracks, jumping over any breaks. He runs to the end of the track, where the rest of it is missing, and looks at the dark lord
Coon: Cthulhu! Cthulhu, dude! Over here! [Cthulhu turns around and looks at Coon] Hey Cthulhu. 'Sup? Yes, it is me, the Coon! But don't worry, I'm actually not here to fight you! We are not so different, Cthulhu. Though I am a superhero and you are a dark god from another dimension, perhaps, we can work together! [Cthulhu looks around] I know how it feels to want to take over and rule the earth and have everyone else be your slaves. I do, bro! But there's a group of superhumans who are going to stop at nothing to stop YOU! [Cthulhu leans towards Coon at eye-level] Good, I have your attention. The superhumans I speak of are right now working on plans to destroy you! They reside in Colorado and they are fucking assholes, and they all deserve to be sent into a dark oblivion! You can do that, right? Send people into a dark oblivion? 'Cause that's what those buttholes deserve! [Cthulhu withdraws and walks away] No-Dude! Dude, Colorado is that way! Where are you going?? [runs back down the track] Goddammit, why don't dark lords fuckin' listen?!
Scene Description: Coon and Friends secret base. Mysterion and Hindsight remain, Hindsight sways, intoxicated
Captain Hindsight: It doesn't matter. [takes a swig of Macallan] Even if the pictures are fake. I can't take it anymore. [turns away] Do you have any idea what a curse it is to have perfect 20/20 hindsight? [takes another swig] As soon as something bad happens, I immediately know how it could have been avoided. I can't take it anymore!
Mysterion: People need you, Hindsight! [Hindsight takes a swig of Macallan] Without you they feel helpless and stupid.
Captain Hindsight: Well I don't want the power anymore, alright?!
Mysterion: You think your power's a curse?! Let me tell you something about curses, buttlicker! [turns around. Hindsight, curious, turns to face him] Because there's some superpowers that make yours look like nothing! Trust me, I know.
Captain Hindsight: Wha-? What is your power?
Mysterion: [turns around] I can't die. [pauses] I've experienced death, countless times. Sometimes I see a bright light. Sometimes I see heaven. Or hell. But eventually, no matter what, I wake up in my bed, wearing my same old clothes. [turns away] And the worst part? Nobody even remembers me dying. I go to school the next day, and everyone is just like, "Oh hey Kenny." Even if they had seen me get decapitated with their own eyes. [faces Hindsight] You wanna whine about curses, Hindsight? You're talking to the wrong fucking cowboy.
Scene Description: Commercial
Announcer: And now, a special announcement from the president of BP and DP.
Tony Hayward: Hello, I'm Tony Hayward. The tragic spill in the Gulf is a disaster that should have never happened. And as head of the oil company responsible, I would like to say, what should I do? [looks at the camera to his left] Should I admit we've made mistakes? [the spill is shown again] Should I remind you we've done this before? What should I do? Should I find newer and better ways to say I'm sorry? [Jumps out of a giant three-tiered BP cake with stars on his nipples: "We're sorry."]
Captain Hindsight: [at a podium] Should I really believe I ruined my legacy? [behind him is a large banner that reads "Captain Hindsight"] What should I do?
Tony Hayward: [voice-over] What should I do?
Mysterion: [voice-over] What should I do? [shown getting a massage] Should I forget about the past and not care about my powers?
Tony Hayward: Or should I tell you, "I am not a role model." [winks]
Captain Hindsight: [on the steps in the alley side of a building drinking Macallan] Seriously, what should I do?
Tony Hayward: [in Western Outlaw getup] Should I accept my role as the villain?
Mysterion: [in a familiar alley] Maybe I should just... disappear.
Tony Hayward: [at the rig inspecting the blueprints] Should I not have listened to my technicians who said a spill wouldn't happen? They're my technicians! [blinks twice]
Captain Hindsight: [on a darkened basketball court] Hindsight's a bitch, isn't it?
Coon: [thinking on the roller coaster track] Should I just apologize to my friends and ask them to take me back? Tell then that I was being a selfish jerk? [aloud] What should I do?
Captain Hindsight: [in the chair that gave him his superpower] Should I get back in the chair? Remove my powers and just go back to being a simple reporter? [activates the chair]
Coon: [thinking on the roller coaster track] Should I admit I was wrong? Ask for everyone's forgiveness and go back to my original team? [aloud] Nah, screw that. I'm just gonna keep bein' a fuckin' dick! [jumps off the track]
Scene Description: Clyde's bedroom. Coon and Friends are at a desk, with Human Kite typing away on a computer keyboard
Toolshed: All right, superheroes, we've got to find out more about this Necronomicon thing!
Mosquito: Right, Toolshed!
Human Kite: Here we go: "The Necronomicon contains an account of the Old Ones, their history, and the means for summoning them."
Toolshed: "It is used by cults around the world, most notably the Cult of Cthulhu."
Mint-Berry Crunch: Aha! That's the cult the creepy man talked about, heroes. Uh, you okay, Mysterion?
Mysterion: [away from the group, in deep thought] I'm fine.
Human Kite: Ten arrested in South Park for cultish activity. This is from like, ten years ago.
Mysterion: So these people have been waiting for Cthulhu a long time.
Human Kite: Hey wait a minute. Dude. Mysterion, it's your parents.
Mysterion: Uhh, what? [goes to see. He looks at the screen and his expression changes to one of dismay. His parents are pictured getting arrested along with the creepy man and Mr. Adler, shop teacher, among others. In his normal voice] What the fuck?! I m-I mean, [going into his superhero voice] Uh, I mean, what the fuck?! [takes over as Human Kite leaves the chair]
Betsy: [knocks on the door] Clyde? Clyde, I told you this morning to take the garbage out. [Betsy knocks some more. Mosquito, Human Kite, and Mint-Berry Crunch look at each other] Clyde, do you hear me?
Mosquito: [pulls his vuvuzela off his face] Okay Mom, just give me two minutes. [puts it back on] Nag nag nag. [buzzes a bit]
Scene Description: More comic book pages appear, this time with Coon on them
Coon: Convincing a giant creature from another dimension to do what you want is no easy task. After days of killing and conquering, Cthulhu is at rest. Now is my chance to make a move. Perhaps last time I was too forceful with the dark god. Too demanding. To get what it wants, sometimes a coon must be on the attack and vicious. [a raccoon is shown aiming to grab a sandwich from someone's left hand] But sometimes a coon must be cuddly and cute. [the same raccoon is shown sitting on its hind legs begging for the sandwich] Time for me to try and manipulate the most evil thing in all the universe. [as Cthulhu sleeps, Coon gets on its belly and giggles, then pats its belly. Cthulhu makes some sounds, then goes back to sleep] Who's the sleepy little man? [pats its belly again. This time Cthulhu sneezes and blows Coon off. Cthulhu licks his lips and goes back to sleep. Coon, undaunted, climbs right back on its belly. Giggling, he scoots closer. Cthulhu opens its eyes. Cartman smiles broadly] My name is the Little Coon. What is your name? [Cthulhu moans a bit, then open its mouth wide and roars. Coon struggles to stay on this time. When Cthulhu closes its mouth, Coon mimics him] Craaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! [Cthulhu opens its eyes wide as Coon giggles. Cthulhu moans] You're a sleepy man ne, Cthulhu? [scratches Cthulhu's belly] Who's a needs a tummy rub? [Cthulhu makes moans happily]
Scene Description: The McCormicks' bedroom. Stuart smokes a joint while his wife looks on. He coughs
Carol: You're hoggin' it all, asshole! [she reaches for it, but he keeps it away]
Stuart: 'Cause I paid for it, you stupid bitch!
Carol: [she keeps reaching for it] You paid for it with the money I made washing dishes at the Olive Garden!
Stuart: [pushes her off] I told you to shut up!
Carol: [punches him] Give to me, you prick! [they fight over the joint, suddenly realizing Mysterion is at their window watching them] AH! AAAAH! [both of them fall off the bed and then peer up from the side] Oh God he's back! It's that mystery kid again!
Stuart: Uh what the hell do you want this time? Hey look, w-we did what you told us! W-w-we treat our kids better and we don't beat each other up as much.
Carol: And we gave our sons allowances and stopped gettin' high every night. [Stuart realizes he's still holding the joint and chucks it away]
Mysterion: I'm not here about that.
Stuart: Oh. Uhuh, sss-so now what?
Mysterion: Ten years ago you were arrested for being in some kind of cult.
Carol: [looks at Stuart] We were?
Stuart: We've been arrested lots of times, Mysterio.
Mysterion: Mysterion. What is the Cult of Cthulhu?! [the parents look at each other]
Stuart: Oh, that thing. Nooo, we weren't in that stupid group. They just used to offer free beer at their meetings, so we would go.
Mysterion: What happened at those meetings?
Stuart: Trust us, we don't remember. Uh uh, I know it sounds hard to believe, but we were actually really drunk the entire time.
Mysterion: I don't find that hard to believe at all.
Carol: I swear, we haven't been back to their meetings ever since, even though we always still get invited.
Mysterion: These people still meet? Where?
Stuart: Where they always did. Jim McElroy's house.
Carol: They used to meet every Friday night. I think they still do. [and with that, Mysterion vanishes. The window remains open, but no one is in it. Carol gets back on the bed. Stuart gets the joint back, sits next to her, and lights the joint] Did that really just happen?
Stuart: I don't think so. [takes a drag]
Scene Description: A news report
Field Reporter: Breaking news here in the Gulf, Tom. The dark ancient god Cthulhu has called for a press conference, The Old One told reporters in a statement released this morning that it has extremely exciting news.
Coon: Ladies and Gentlemen, today we are pleased to announce the successful merger of Cthulhu, and the Coon. Cthulhu's track record for complete dominance and interdimensionary rule is without question. And now, coupled with the legitimacy and instantly recognizable brand name of The Coon, we intend to bring change and fight injustice. As the all-new Coon and Friends. And anybody else using that name for their benefit is breaking the law! Oh, what's that? There is another group using our trademarked name? Well, I guess we have a right to banish them to a dark oblivion, don't we?!
Scene Description: Jim McElroy's house, night. In the basement a robed man leads a group of cult followers in prayer
Followers: ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn.
Cult Leader: The Old One has awakened! [draws back his hood; it's the creepy man, or Man 2, from earlier] A lot of us have waited a long time for this day. Well for all our South Park Cthulhu members old and new, it is time to par-tay! [lukewarm response. Outside, Coon and Friends watch from a low window]
Mysterion: There must be clubs like this all over the world.
Toolshed: We know some of these people. There's Mr. Adler, from shop class. And those two geeky computer guys.
Human Kite: Oh my God, look! Back row. Aren't those the Goth kids?
Pete: I'm so freaking stoked that Cthulhu is gonna squash all the happy-go-lucky conformists.
Michael: Yeah. I just hope he puts an end to the fucking Disney Channel.
Toolshed: Dude, why would the Goth kids worship Cthulhu?
Mysterion: Makes sense. Unrelenting despair and a thousand years of darkness sounds pretty goth.
Cult Leader: Now let us read from the Necronomicon. "That is not dead which can eternal lie, and with strange aeons"
Followers: "Even Death may die." [the boys turn away from the window]
Toolshed: "In strange aeons even Death may die?" What does that mean, Human Kite?
Human Kite: I'm not sure, Toolshed. Could it be a riddle, Mysterion? M-! Mysterion? [Mysterion is gone]
Mint-Berry Crunch: Mysterion is sooo... mysterious.
Scene Description: News report. Jack Brolin reporting. He looks familiar...
Jack Brolin: A horrific scene of destruction, despair and terror here in New Orleans. And still there's no sign of Captain Hindsight. Rumor has it he got sick of it all, went back to his chair, and removed all his powers.
Injured Man: [in the background, walking by with his left hand over his injured right upper arm] Where are you Captain Hindsight? Aggh!
Jack Brolin: Perhaps... he shouldn't have gotten back in that chair...
Scene Description: An alley in South Park. The Goth kids enter
Pete: [kicks a can aside] Do you think the dark lord Cthulhu is gonna make us go to school?
Michael: No, assmunch. Cthulhu just wants chaos, bedlam, and madness.
Pete: Good, because if I have to go to PE class again, I was gonna kill myself. [they notice Mysterion looking at them from the edge of a roof] Who the F'n H is that?
Mysterion: [jumps off the roof and lands on the alley floor, on one knee] What does it mean? "That is not dead which can eternal lie"?
Michael: [takes a drag of his joint] "And with strange aeons even Death may die."
Mysterion: What does it mean?!
Pete: It means Cthulhu is gonna get rid of all the posers and make everything cool and black and stuff. It's gonna be like, a Nine Inch Nails concert that goes on forever.
Michael: Yeah, so go home and put your underwear back inside your pants, poser.
Mysterion: [rises and walks towards them] You're going to tell me everything you know!
Firkle: [pulls out a switch blade and opens it] Nobody's stopping Cthulhu now! All will be sadness. Life will become death, and I will watch the crimson blood leak from your neck.
Michael: Dude, that little kid is hardcore goth.
Pete: Hardcore goth.
Cult Leader: [he and Nelson appear behind Mysterion, who turns around] The child is right, you know. Cthulhu sees all, hears all. The dark lord wants us to dispense of this one, kids. Give us a hand.
Pete: Whaaat? Dude, I don't wanna kill anybody.
Michael: We're dark lord minions now, wuss. What'd you think we'd be doing?
Pete: Ugh, whatevs. [Mysterion is stuck between the two advancing cult members and the Goth kids.]
Scene Description: The Gulf sky, dark and stormy. Coon rides on Cthulhu. Upbeat music plays
Singer: Cthulhu Cthulhu, Cthulhu Cthulhu.
Coon: Yeeheah!
Singer: The evil hate-filled Cthulhu, from a dimension far away.Flying through gates of madness and into your heart
Coon: Yeah, fuck all o'you!
Singer: Turning dreams into nightmares
Coon: Lick my balls!
Singer: Destroying all he sees
Coon: Now begins a new adventure for... MEEEE!
Singer: You and the dark one, Cthulhu Sharing adventures and smiles, It's a magical bond two pals can share. Soon the whole world will be made aware of You and the death lord, Cthulhu Makin' the world a better place. Together you will have so much fun
Coon: Sending all my stupid friends to oblivion!
Singer: You and the dark one, Cthulhu
Coon: Suck it, bitches!
Scene Description: The alley. There is no escape
Cult Leader: Just hold still and it will all be over quickly. [a buzzing sound is heard, and all look to see who it is]
Mosquito: Let him go! [he's on the roof of a building] Coon and Friends, ho! Mosquito!
Toolshed: Toolshed!
TupperWear: TupperWear!
Iron Maiden: [behind the Goth kids] Timmeh!
Human Kite: Human Kite!
Mint-Berry Crunch: [behind the cult members] Mint-Berry Crrrunch!
Toolshed: Let him go, dude, or else we'll totally tell our parents on you!
Cult Leader: Sorry kids. It's a little late for that. [takes the switchblade from the Kindergoth and stabs Mysterion with it. The cult members and the Goth kids disperse as Mysterion coughs and stumbles. Mysterion stops and then falls flat on his back]
Toolshed: Oh my God. Oh my God, they- they killed Kenny!
Human Kite: You bastards! [a pool of blood appears under Kenny when someone knocks on a door somewhere. All of a sudden, Kenny is back in his room, in bed, in his same old clothes. More knocking]
Scene Description: Kenny's room
Toolshed: Dude, Kenny, what'd you run away for?! We've gotta fight these guys!
Mosquito: Yeah, come on, get your costume on, lazy-ass!
Human Kite: [jumps in the air] Let's go. [the boys move on]
Mint-Berry Crunch: Mint-Berry Crunch! [Kenny sighs]