Scene Description: At the bus stop, day. Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny wait. Ike hops into view
The boys: School days, school days, teacher's golden rule day...
Kyle: Ah, damn it!
Cartman: What?
Kyle: My God-damned little brother's trying to follow me to school, again!
Ike: Suck my balls.
Kyle: No, Ike! You can't come to school with me. [Ike chortles]
Cartman: Yeah! Go home, you little dildo!
Kyle: Dude, for the last time, don't call my brother a dildo!
Cartman: Alright, go home, you little semen-puking asshole dickhead! [the boys laugh, Kyle picks up Ike and swings him towards Cartman. Ike smacks Cartman in the face and Cartman falls on his back] Ow!
Stan: Dude, sweet! [Ike stands up]
Kyle: Yeah. Check it out. [sets up Ike and prepares for a kick] Ready Ike? Kick the baby!
Ike: Don't kick the goddamn baby!
Kyle: Kick the baby!
Ike: Waaaah- [flies across the street and lands in some snow on the other side] Ow.
Cartman: [gets up and yawns] Uuugh.
Kyle: Whoa Cartman. Looks like you didn't get much sleep last night.
Cartman: That's because I was having these bogus nightmares all night long.
Kyle: Really? What about?
Cartman: Well, I dreamt that I was lying in my bed... [the dream sequence begins] in the dark. When all of a sudden this bright blue light filled the room [his window flies open and a bright beam blinds him as he rises to see what it is]. Then slowly my bedroom door begin to open [a glow appears around the door as an alien peeks inside] and the next thing I remember I was being drug through a hallway. [This hallway has specimens on either side of it. "Weeaak!"] Then these scary hands wanted to operate on me. [four aliens hover over him and lower his pajama pants as a robot arm nearby gets to work on his ass] And they had big heads and big black eyes...
Stan: Dude! Visitors!
Kyle: Totally!
Cartman: What?
Stan: That wasn't a dream Cartman, those were visitors!
Cartman: No, it was just a dream, [crosses his arms] my mom said so.
Stan: Visitors are real. They... [lowers his left eyebrow and thinks, looking down] Wait a minute. This has all happened before.
Kyle: Yeah. This does seem really familiar.
Cartman: What the Funk & Wagnalls are you talkin' about?
Kyle: Cartman, don't you remember the last time you had this dream?
Cartman: Eh... shut up you guys, you're just tryin' to scare me.
Stan: No, dude, this happened before! Aliens put some device in you and then we tied you up to a tree and you went up on their ship! You don't remember that?
Cartman: No I don't remember that!
Kyle: You don't?
Cartman: No, because the aliens erased my memory!
Stan: I remember this whole thing. [to Kyle] Ike tried to follow you to school. You kicked him, then Cartman told us about his alien dream.
Kyle: Yeah, and then Chef pulled up in his car. [the sound of wheels approaching]
Chef: [pulling up in his station wagon, steps out] Hello there, children! [silence]
Kyle: [to Stan] And then you said
Stan: What's gonna be for lunch today, Chef?
Chef: Well, today it's Salisbury steak with hot buttered noodles
All: and a choice of green bean salad or vegetable medley.
Kyle: Weird
Chef: Say, did any of you children
All: see the alien space ship last night?
Chef: What the?
Stan: Chef, we're in a repeat.
Chef: A repeat??
Kyle: Cartman was visited by aliens again last night. And now it's like we're living a repeat of a previous day.
Cartman: Aw dude, I hate repeats!
Chef: [walks around and stands behind the boys] I've been feelin' Déjà vu all mornin', children. I knew somethin' strange was goin' on!
Stan: It all started when Cartman got an anal probe.
Chef: We have to get Eric to a proctologist right away.
Scene Description: South Park Medical Clinic. Inside, Chef and the boys wait on chairs as Cartman lies face down on a proctologist's table.
Kyle: What is a proc-tologist, Chef?
Chef: He's a doctor that specializes in your asshole, children.
Stan: You mean, at some point in this doctor's life he decided he wanted to work on people's buttholes.
Chef: That's right.
Kyle: What a dick!
Proctologist: [entering] Hello everyone! [walks towards Cartman]
Chef: Hello Doctor. Thanks for seein' Eric on such short notice.
Proctologist: What seems to be the problem?
Chef: We just want you to take a look and tell us if you see anything abnormal.
Kyle: Other than his monstrous size.
Cartman: [whips an angry look at him] SHUT UP, KYLE! SHUT YOUR GOD-DAMNED MOUTH! [pulls his head back and rests it on his left hand]
Proctologist: All right, let's see here. [raises the blanket and looks down] Oh my God!!
Cartman: What?
Proctologist: Why, there's a huge crack goin' right down the middle! [beat. The doctor begins to laugh]
Cartman: [displeased] Haha, very funny.
Stan: Yeah, like we haven't heard that one a zillion times.
Proctologist: [chuckles] All right, let's take a look. [snaps on a yellow latex glove and plunges a finger into the butthole]
Cartman: Heey, just what the hell do you think you're doing?
Chef: Eric, the doctor has to feel inside your rectum.
Kyle: And afterwards, he'll probably have to burn his hand and bury it.
Cartman: Kyle, I swear, if I didn't have a guy's hand up my ass right now, I'd leap across the room and kick you in the nuts. Eh. Oohh. Oww.
Proctologist: Well the prostate seems to be normal. No swelling of the hemorrhoidal gland...
Cartman: Eh- Aaaaah. Ooooo-ah. Uuuuu aaaaa.
Proctologist: Wait, what's this? [the anal probe appears once again and the doctor jumps out of the way. The probe stretches out and clears away part of the clinic on its way to full height. A large hole is left on the building as the satellite dish juts out from it.]
Kyle: Are you okay?
Cartman: [with a dreamy, relieved look] Dude. You know that feeling when you take a huuuge dump? Awesome! [smiles]
Chef: Well, doctor?
Proctologist: [slowly] I've never quite seen this before, uh... Perhaps he just needs some hemorrhoid cream.
Cartman: [the probe collapses and sinks back into his ass] Aaaaaa aaaaaa ooagh!
Stan: You all right?
Cartman: You know the feeling when the huge dump you just took shoots back up inside your ass? NO I"M NOT ALL RIGHT!!
Proctologist: I've never seen a hemorrhoid react this way.
Chef: That wasn't no hemorrhoid, it was an alien hoobajoob! Come on, children! We've got to get Eric to some real help!
Stan: Where to now, Chef?
Chef: That thing inside Eric's asshole looked like some kinda alien satellite dish. We need to see my friend down at the Space Center now! [as they leave the clinic they pass the receptionist's window. A receptionist with a weird white face and yellow hair looks on as they leave. She then removes her wig and shows that she's a Visitor.]
Scene Description: The space center. Lots of satellite dishes dot the premises. Inside Chef leads the children to a scientist.
Chef: And you're the only person I could think of who might be able to help us, Jeff.
Jeff: How do we uh, make it come out?
Chef: Someone just has to activate it like the proctologist did.
Cartman: [crosses his arms] Ohhh no no nonono! Nobody is putting their finger in my ass again! Unless it's Kyle. [grins]
Kyle: What? No way! [looks to his left and points] You do it, Kenny!
Cartman: Nope! It has to be Kyle!
Stan: Go on.
Kyle: I'm not putting my finger up Cartman's butt!
Chef: Kyle, the fate of the world may be at stake.
Cartman: [lowers his pants and moons Kyle] Come, Kyle. Do hurry. [Kyle moves tentatively toward Cartman and bares his left arm] Go ahead, it won't bite. [Kyle raises his arm and move in. Cartman farts and Kyle angrily lowers his arm. Cartman and Kenny laugh]
Kyle: God-damnit Cartman!
Cartman: [laughing] I couldn't resist. I'm sorry. [Kyle raises his hand and moves his finger towards the butthole. Cartman farts again and laughs. Kenny joins in. and Kyle angrily lowers his arm.]
Kyle: Stop it Cartman!
Cartman: [laughing] Okay. Okay okay. [Kyle raises his hand and moves his finger towards the butthole. Cartman farts again and laughs. Kenny joins in. and Kyle angrily lowers his arm.]
Kenny: [laughing] (Gaaahaha, he got you again!)
Kyle: God Dammit!
Cartman: [laughing] Haha. Oh man, that was great. Okay, go ahead. I'm all out of farts now. [Kyle raises his hand and moves his finger towards the butthole. Cartman farts again and laughs. Kyle angrily lowers his arm, looking at the other guys.] Gahaaa! Derrr!
Kenny: [laughs, then echoes Cartman] (Derrr!)
Cartman: Okaay, okay. It's not funny anymore. [Kyle raises his hand and moves his finger towards the butthole. Cartman farts again and laughs. Kyle angrily lowers his arm.] Oh yes it is! [swats the odor towards Kyle.]
Kenny: [laughs, then echoes Cartman] (Yes it is!)
Chef: Eric, that's enough!
Cartman: Okay, okay. [Kyle raises his hand and moves his finger towards the butthole. Cartman farts again and laughs. Kyle angrily lowers his arm.] Ohh, double psych!
Kyle: That's it! [walks off] I don't care about the fate of the world! Screw it!
Stan: Oh, nice going, Cartman!
Cartman: All right, all right, I'm sorry. Go ahead, Kyle.
Kyle: No!
Cartman: No, go ahead. I'm dry.
Kyle: You're lying!
Chef: It stopped being funny forty seconds ago, boy! Let's just get this over with!
Cartman: But it was one of the best times I've ever had.
Jeff: Can I see this thing, please?
Cartman: Okay. [Kyle raises his hand and moves his finger towards the butthole. Cartman farts again and laughs. Kyle angrily lowers his arm.] Ohhh! God-dammit! [Cartman, Kenny, and Chef laugh]
Chef: Okay. Now it's funny again.
Cartman: This is so awesome. I don't think I made it out of that proctologist's office, guys. I think I died and went to heaven.
Kyle: That does it! CHARGE! [drives his finger into Cartman's butthole. Cartman farts and screams as the anal probe shoot out of his ass. The probe opens up into the satellite dish and the dish sends a beam into outer space. Part of the space center is destroyed in the process]
Chef: What's it doing?
Jeff: It, it's sending a transmission of some kind. [sits at a console and types away] Got it! [on several screen above the keyboard, images from around the planet pop up and change every second or so.]
Kyle: It's just sending images of cities and people and stuff.
Chef: Where is the signal being sent to? [the signal cuts off and the anal probe shrinks back into Cartman's ass. Cartman screams as it does so.]
Cartman: Ugh. I don't wanna play anymore, you guys.
Kyle: We went through all that just for some gay video of Earth?
Stan: We wanted to see an alien planet or something.
Jeff: Whoever they are, if they're receiving messages, they might be sending them, too. Wait a minute. c-candy bars.
Kyle: Candy bars?
Jeff: You-you know. Candy bars. They usually come in a wrapper. Just like you... wrap a Christmas present. Christmas happens when it's cold. Cold, as in Alaska - that's... with polar bears. Polar bears... pola... polarity! I can switch the polarity to see what transmissions are coming from the location this one is being sent to! [turns around and types away on the console. The power cuts out and the center goes dark.] What the heck? [the sound of heavy ships is heard, and two bright beams light up the room. Everyone looks towards a window. Outside, a visitor walks up and looks in through one end window. A second one looks through the other end window. The windows shatter] They're coming in! [a glow appears outside a door and permeates it. The door shuts and two visitors enter. The other two come in through the window and the four of them converge on the boys, Chef, and Jeff.]
Stan: What do we do???
Cartman: [steps forward and points to Jeff] It's that guy you want! He's trying to reverse your polarities!
Jeff: What?? [the visitors go after Jeff, and the others make their escape]
Chef: Help!
Kyle: Aaaah! Runrunruuun! [the group makes it outside]
Stan: Let's go!
Chef: Get in the car, children! Get in the car! [they all scramble in and Chef peels away from the center. He drives down the road towards South Park. Another car appears behind then and throws up its headlights. Its horn honks a few times]
Stan: [startled] What is that?
Chef: Can you see anything, children? [Kyle looks back]
Kyle: [turns back] The aliens are chasing us! [a close-up of the four aliens in the car behind Chef. A passenger-side visitor leans out and draws a revolver, shooting at Chef. A bullet strikes the rear window and the boys jump]
Chef: God damned aliens! [the two cars move down the road with the visitors still shooting]
Stan: Chef! End of the road! [several barricades are up, with STOP signs hanging on the, and one sign saying "ROAD CLOSED"]
Chef: Hold on, children! [Cartman looks at the visitors] We have to ditch them! [steps on the gas pedal]
Cartman: What are you doing, man?! [Chef drives towards the barricade and goes up a wooden ramp, into the air.]
Narrator: [some backwoods music plays in the background in freeze-frame] Looks like them boys are gettin' a little fresh air. [the wagon lands on the other side of a pothole and continues. The visitors try the same jump, but they launch into the air and off the road, towards a chicken coop. They crash through the roof and land right in the middle of the coop. Chickens ]
Kyle: [looks out and back] I think we ditched them.
Chef: I don't think we're outta the woods yet. [they pass a sign saying "eat BIG PIG'S BBQ" with a pig in a white Southern suit. Behind the billboard, a police car pulls out and pursues Chef. There are two visitors in the car]
Visitor Driver: Coop coop.
Stan: It's the police!
Chef: That ain't no police! [for some reason, two workers are moving a large glass pane across the road. Chef heads on down and crashes through it. The police cruiser follows]
Cartman: When do we get to eat. I'm hungry.
Stan: Chef!! [Chef sees yet another barricade and goes towards it, forcing the worker guarding it to jump out of the way/ Chef launches into the air once again. "Dixie" is heard from the car's horn. The aliens catch up to Chef and the boys and try the same jump. They end up upside down and unable to move. Chef spins the car a bit and looks back at the police cruiser]
Chef: [jumps out and approaches the police car] HA! God-damned aliens! I beat you! [a beam lights up the car] Where'd you learn to drive, aliens?! Chinese auto school?! [the car begins to rise slowly]
The boys: Chef! Chef! They've got us!
Chef: You're lucky I didn't just turn around and beat your white skinny alien asses anyway! Maybe next time you'll remember to... [notices the weird sounds behind him and turns] Huh? [looks up to see the station wagon hovering near the entrance to the ship] Aw crap! Children!
The boys: Cheeeeeeef!
Narrator: [the picture freezes] Well, it looks like the boys are in more trouble than a June bug in molasses. And it's pretty thick molasses, too.
Scene Description: A chamber. Stan is tied up in some green alien pod, asleep.
Stan: Uh. [stirs and opens his eyes] Wugh. You guys. Wake up! [the other boys are in pods of their own]
Kyle: [stirs in his own pod] What the? Where are, where are we?
Stan: We're in the alien ship.
Cartman: Ah. Uh! I'm trapped inside Helen Hunt's ass! [panics] Oh God, help me you guys!
Kyle: It's not Helen Hunt's ass. It's an alien space ship.
Cartman: [looks down] ...Oh, thank God! Well then, thank you Lord.
Stan: [out of his pod] Guys. Look. [the others get out of theirs and walk towards Stan]
Kyle, Cartman: Wow. [they face a massive window, through which they get a good view of Earth getting farther and farther away]
Stan: My God, do you guys realize? This is only the second time we've ever been in outer space.
Kyle: Yeah.
Kenny: (Awesome)
Cartman: This is like my fifth time. [the room brightens and two doors open at the other end of the room. The boys turn and face it]
Stan: Uh oh. This must be the head alien guy.
Kenny: (Oh no!) [tightens the hood on his face. The man enters... it appears to be Stan's father.]
Alien: Hello boys.
Stan: Dad?
Alien: No, not really. I just read your mind and thought this form might be more pleasing to you.
Kyle: Aw dude, don't do that. That's gay.
Stan: Yeah, that's like that stupid movie, Contact.
Cartman: Aw God, that movie pissed me off.
Alien: Very well, I shall show my true form. [a quick transformation into a hideous monster] Rah rah rah rah rah. Rah rah rah rah.
The boys: [shielding their eyes] AAAAH!
Stan: Okay okay, take the form of something else!
Alien: [transforms again] How's this? [the boys move their arms off their eyes to behold Santa]
Cartman: Santa!
Stan: Nno, that's stupid too. [Cartman looks at Stan, deflated]
Alien: How about this? [transforms into Michael Jordan, Bulls form]
Stan, Kyle, Cartman: No. [the alien turns into Don King] No! [then into Mr. Roarke and Tattoo]
Cartman: [impressed] Oooo, very nice.
Stan: No! [the alien turns into George Burns]
Kyle: No! [the alien turns into J.J. Walker]
Alien: Dy-no-mite!
The boys: No!
Scene Description: Back at the space center, day. Jeff is cleaning up after the destruction left behind by the visitors
Chef: [with flashlight] Jeff!! The aliens took the children up on their ship.
Jeff: Oh no!
Chef: Did you find out what the aliens were up to?
Jeff: When I reversed the polarities, I found this: [sits at the console and starts pressing keys. 1s and 0s flash across a screen] It's a message that the aliens are broadcasting throughout the entire universe. But I have no idea what it says.
Chef: They took the children, Jeff! I have to know what those aliens are up to!
Jeff: [spins around] Wait a minute! Butt sex!
Chef: Butt sex?
Jeff: Butt sex requires a lot of lubrication, right? Lubrication. Lubruh... Chupuh... Chupacabra's the, the goat killer of Mexican folklore. Folklore is stories from the past that are often fictionalized. Fictionalized to heighten drama. Drama students! Students at colleges usually have bicycles! Bi, bian, binary. It's binary code! [spins back and works on decoding it]
Chef: Who's havin' butt sex?
Scene Description: Back on the alien ship
Alien: [prances as Saddam] Hello my honey, hello my baby, hello my ragtime gal! [ends on his knees, arms wide open]
The boys: [getting bored] No!
Alien: [transforms into Missy Elliot] Lemme search ya, gonna work ya, hepsunudupunubuh huh.
The boys: No! [Stan is irritated]
Alien: [transforms into Frank Sinatra] Don't piss on the moon, babe.
The boys: NO!
Alien: All right, earthlings, what form do you want me to take? [the boys fall silent]
Cartman: How about a taco, that craps ice cream? [the alien transforms into the taco. A wad of ice cream falls out of him] Guys?
Stan: I like it.
Kenny: (Me too.) [the boys clap]
Alien: All right, then we can get back to business. Follow me this way, earthlings. [leads the boys into another room, leaving scoops of ice cream behind, in various flavors] I want to apologize to you boys for all the spooky, scary stuff. We just needed to get to the malfunctioning uplink relay.
Stan: You mean, the thing in Cartman's ass?
Alien: That's right. See, there are dishes in over fifty thousand earthlings' rectums. Your friend's has been malfunctioning.
Kyle: Why do you put them into people's asses? Are you planning some kind of alien takeover?
Alien: Oh, heavens no! We're a production company. We make intergalactic television programs that the whole universe watches. [enters the next room]
Stan: [looks back at his friends] Television? [the boys enter the next room. In that room visitors are all over the place manning the various aspects of a production company]
Alien: We at Nerzod Productions started twenty billion years ago with one philosophy: the best universal television isn't scripted, it's real. [Stan and Kyle look at each other] We started with great shows like, "Who Wants To Marry A Gelgamek?" and "Antares 6 Millionaire". And then we had a big hit with "Get Me Outta Here, I'm a Klingnanian". But then of course, there's our signature show. The greatest universal reality show of all time. [he looks at a giant screen on which Earth is shown]
Kyle: Earth?
Alien: A few billion years ago we realized, "what if we took species from all different planets in the universe, and put them together, on the same planet?" Great TV, right? Asians, bears, ducks, Jews, deer and Hispanics, all trying to live side by side on one planet! It's great! [the boys are stunned at what they're hearing]
Stan: Our planet is just a reality-TV show?
Alien: Well, you don't think the whole universe works the way Earth does, do you? No! One species, one planet! There's a planet of deer, a planet of Asians, and so on! We put them all together on Earth and the whole universe tunes in to watch the fun!
Kyle: You mean that you aliens actually enjoy sitting around and watching us fight and kill each other? Dude, that's messed up.
Alien: Why?
Stan: Why?? Because you're playing with people's lives! You're turning people's problems into entertainment!
Cartman: Yeah! We'd never do that on Earth! [the boys just look at each other]
Scene Description: The Convention Center, day.
Jeff: Ladies and Gentleman, we have recently come across an alien transmission that is being beamed throughout the entire universe. [murmurs rise up in the audience] When decoded, it looks like this. [he begins the transmission and graphics sweep by. First, the binary code appears, then a dazzling sun behind the Earth, then a tracking shot leading to Earth, then an undernourished boy, then a caravan walking across a desert, people putting on protective glasses, an atomic blast, deer running, a couple, a time-lapse night scene, the Eiffel Tower, two men hammering at something, an ethnic festival. The sound is garbled]
Man: [rising] What does it mean?
Jeff: It's simple mathematical language that can be understood throughout the solar system. Translated into our language, it looks like this. [replays the transmission, this time in English]
Announcer: This jannemon at eight o'clock, it's everyone's favorite show! Earth! It's been one hundred Gelganighs since we first took species from seventeen different planets and put them all together, on the same planet! Oo-derp! They've fought and fallen in love! What will happen this Galgamog? Tune in jannemon at eight to find out. It's... Earth! On Fognl!
Jeff: I'm afraid that Earth, a-all of Earth, is nothing but an intergalactic reality-TV show.
Man 2: My God. We're famous! [everyone stands and whoops it up]
Jeff: Waaaait, you don't understand!
Man 3: [giddy blond] I'm on TV! I'm on TV!
Man 4: This is so awesome! [everyone clear out, cheering]
Others: Woo! Yeah! Woohoo!! [Jeff is left all alone]
Scene Description: Back at Nerzod Productions. Cartman is bent over once more, with his pants down. The visitors have finished working on him
Alien: That should get the relay working again. [begins to walk off. The boys follow] All right, Earthlings, if you'll step over this way we'll erase your memories and get you back to Earth. [a visitor brings him a ringing phone] Oh, excuse me. [picks up the receiver] This is Nagix. Uh huh. Oh no. Oh no, really? And it's, it's for sure? All right, I'll break the news to everyone. No, no I, I understand. Thanks. [hangs up the phone and walks back to the boys] Well, you kids can go back to Earth if you want, but I'm afraid it won't be there for long. The show's been cancelled.
Kyle: What?? Who cancelled us?
Najix: The universal network heads. They say the Earthlings have become aware of the show, so it won't be funny anymore. [walks off to address the rest of the staff]
Stan: Oh shit, did we do that?
Najix: Everyone, can I have your attention real quick? Uuh, look, I just got a call from the network and I'm afraid Earth has been cancelled
Staff: Awww.
Najix: Now, now, it was a great run and I think we should all be really proud. [a smattering of applause] Let's call in a demolition crew to strike the Earth for resources.
Stan: Wait! Wait, they they can't do this! Uh, let us talk to the network heads!
Najix: Wouldn't do any good.
Kyle: Dude, we have to try!
Stan: Please, take us to them! Please!
Najix: All right, kids, we'll take you to the network heads. But I warn you: nobody has ever gotten the executives to uncancel a show once the call has been made. Nobody. [the boys look at each other, and several more scoops of ice cream falls out of the alien's taco ass]
Scene Description: Earth. A view of it from outer space. A few seconds later, an immense crane floats towards Earth with wrecking ball ready and beeper going. It stops. Two alien laborers sit inside and the driver activates the crane arm. The wrecking ball moves and strikes western Africa. A shot of people running across a bridge. The whole planet moves as if by an earthquake. Chef almost loses his balance at the space center as the ground undulates.
Chef: What the hell is that?!
Jeff: There's a huge ship of some kind in Earth's orbit! [schematics of the ship and of Earth appear on screen, and the impact point is shown as well] But why? Wait a minute! Chaos theory!
Chef: Chaos theory??
Jeff: Chaos theory, it was, it was first thought of in the sixties. Sixty. That's the number of episodes they made of Punky Brewster before it was cancelled. Cancelled...
Chef: Huh?
Jeff: Don't you see? The show is over! The aliens are canceling Earth!
Chef: Oh my God! We have to stop them!
Scene Description: The boys walk down a futuristic sidewalk on a strange planet.
Voice: Welcome to Planet Fognl, home of the Joozians, who control all media in the universe. [the boys enter the universal network headquarters]
Receptionist: Can I help you?
Stan: Oh, uh... we have a three o'clock meeting with the network heads?
Receptionist: Where are you visiting from?
Stan: Uh, Earth?
Receptionist: Oooo, I watch that show all the time. [opens another set of doors and shows the boys in]
Joozian 1: Gaaahahaha. [notices the boys come in] Oh, sure, come on in, Earthlings. We're just checking out our new show.
Joozian 2: We took a hundred beings from the planet Marklar and put them on an asteroid with sentient beings from the Horsehead Nebula. It-it's a riot!
Joozian 1: They hate each other!
Joozian 2: Gah, why? [Stan nudges Kyle, who pulls a letter out from his pocket and reads]
Kyle: Mighty powerful network executives
Joozian 1: Oooo, I'm starving! You Earthlings have haglar yet?
Joozian 2: Oh yeah, let's do haglar.
Joozian 1: Where do you wanna go? Meroni's?
Joozian 2: Not on a Flakmar. Too crowded. Ohhh, Blackafelch!
Joozian 1: Oh, Blackafelch. Perfect.
Scene Description: Blackafelch Restaurant, later. Aliens of all kinds sit and enjoy their meals.
Joozian 2: This place is fantastic!
Stan: Look, we just want to talk to you about the show.
Kyle: Please don't cancel us. Please.
Joozian 1: Oh I'm sorry, Earthlings, but you have to realize the universe is a business.
Joozian 2: You've made it to a hundred episodes, you should be proud!
Joozian 1: Yeah, a show should never go past a hundred episodes, or else it starts to get stale with ridiculously stupid plotlines and settings.
Waitress: [another Joozian] Here's your order of gespahtgaplachfenachenblah. [sets a large platter before the executives and lifts the cover. The executives dig in]
Stan: But sirs, we think our show is just getting good. [Kyle thinks about the food, then decides to taste it] I mean, we're just now starting to see people get really pissed off at each other.
Kyle: Oh my God, this is great!
Joozian 1: You must have some Joozian ancestry.
Cartman: [miffed at the link, rests his head on his left hand] Tell us about it!
Stan: Look, there's five billion people on our show. You just can't up and cancel on us.
Joozian 1: Oh my God! Would you look at the heglars on that joozinek?
Stan: Dude, we're trying to save our planet here?!
Joozian 1: Let's take the Earthlings to a hekmubah!
Joozian 2: Oh, yeah!
Scene Description: A hekmabah, a Joozian strip club. A Joozinek slithers around a dance pole
Joozian 1: Oh yeah, let's see those heglars!
Stan: Sirs, uh, if you'll just let-
Joozian 1: Oh, man, I am so wasted! [holds up a little box] Hey, do you Earthlings wanna try a little glach? [takes the box and pours out a line of purple powder. The other Joozian snorts it right up. The boys look on, saying nothing. Another line of purple powder and the first Joozian snorts up, then suddenly turns around] Agh-oh yeah!! [turns back] Oh, gluck yeah!! [Kenny begins snorting up at the other end of the line]
Kyle: Kenny! [Kenny stops]
Joozian 1: Meeh, screw this place! Let's go get a hotel room and a hooker!
Joozian 2: Oh yeah!
Joozian 1: Yeah! [they leave their chairs]
Scene Description: Back on earth, the massive cranes swings at Earth again. More quakes follow and the space center is damaged some more
Chef: We have to find a way to stop those aliens!
Jeff: [begins pacing] Oh, their ship is massive! There's no way to stop it! [stops] Wait a minute, jackets!
Chef: [smacks his hand onto his head] Oh no.
Jeff: If people don't wear jackets they could get cold. A cold is caused by a virus. A viru- a computer virus! We could make a computer virus and send it to their ships to disable their computers!
Chef: [thinks, then angrily] That doesn't make any God-damned sense!
Scene Description: An adult hotel. The Joozians are in bed with a hooker and they begin to disrobe.
Joozian 2: Ogh.
Joozian 1: Oh yeah!
Joozian 2: Good.
Joozian 1: Oh yeah! Yeah!! [goes to take another snort of purple powder. With his shirt off, one can see two small appendages, one on each shoulder]
Joozian 2: Woohoohoo! Yeah!
Joozian 1: Booyagh! Boy, Earthlings, is this a party or what?? [the boys sit on a couch looking on, bored.]
Joozian 2: Oh! Oh, that's it baby! You're getting my jagon hard! [the appendage on his right shoulder stiffens and lengthens]
Joozian 1: [returns to the side of the bed, by the second Joozian] Wohh. Yeah, let's party! [begins to suck on the Joozian's jagon]
Joozian 2: Yeah, suck my jagon!
Joozian 1: [stops and releases] Yeah! Now you suck on my jagon! [the second Joozian begins to suck on his jagon] Oh yeah!! Stick your finger in my thrusher! [the second Joozian begins putting his finger into some openings above the first Joozian's waist] Oh yeah, suck it. Suck that jagon! [the boys show more interest and some astonishment]
Stan: Dude, I have no idea what we're seeing right now, but I have a feeling it's really, really wrong. [Kenny whips out a camera and takes a picture]
Joozian 1: [the other Joozian continues sucking on his jagon] Oh yes!! Oh yeah yeahyeah! Oh yeah!
Scene Description: Back at universal network headquarters. The Joozians have ice packs on their heads, recovering from the raunch they experienced the night before
Joozian 2: Oh, God. Eh eh, my head. [the four boys look on] What did we do?
Joozian 1: Oh man, I can't believe I sucked your jagon.
Joozian 2: Oh God, we did suck each other's jagons! You kids won't tell anybody about this, right??
Cartman: No.
Stan: [glances at Cartman and quickly thinks] No, wait. We won't tell anybody, if you don't cancel our show!
Joozian 1: Oooo, I knew that was coming.
Joozian 2: They really got us by the nezmins.
Kyle: The Earth show can still be good. Just erase everyone's memory so we don't know we're a show.
Stan: I'm sure you'll see that if you give our world time, it will become even more outrageous and violent.
Cartman: There's even World War Three to look forward to.
Kyle: And then we won't have to show anybody the picture Kenny has of you guys sucking each other's jagons.
Joozian 1: He-all right, all right Earthlings! Ya, you win! The show can stay on.
The boys: All right!
Joozian 1: Just be sure to keep up the wars and violence.
Joozian 2: Well, we've got a five o'clock with the Yurka producers. [still disheveled, he hops off his chair and goes to a lever] Nice meeting you Earthlings. Bye! [pulls the lever down and in an instant the boys are back at the bus stop]
Scene Description: The bus stop, day. Kenny is missing.
Cartman: [yawns] Uuugh.
Kyle: Whoa Cartman. Looks like you didn't get much sleep last night.
Cartman: That's because I was having these bogus nightmares all night long.
Kenny: [walks up with something in his hand] (Hey you guys, look.) [the other boys look]
Kyle: What the hell is that?
Kenny: (I don't know.)
Chef: [drives up in his station wagon and steps out] Hello there, children!
The boys: Hey Chef. [Chef steps behind the boys]
Stan: Chef, Kenny has a picture of two green things sucking each other's shoulders. [Chef takes a look at the picture of the two Joozians sucking each other's jagons]
Cartman: What is it, Chef?
Chef: I don't know. But something tells me this picture might be very important, children. [hands the picture back to Kenny] You should hang on to it.
Scene Description: TV spot
Announcer: Attention universe! Be sure to tune in next week for another exciting episode of... Earth! The Asians [crowd scene] are reeeally steamed at the Russians [crossing a bridge]. The zebras try to get along with the buffalo. [composite shot] And Americans [walking the dog] and Iraqis [dancing] have an all-out brawl. [Saddam is shown] It's outrageous fun and it's all new! Earth! On Fognl.


Scene Description: South Park, day. Now showing at the South Park Community Theatre. Fanfare begins with a drumroll, a spotlight hits its mark on stage and an announcer speaks
Announcer: Ladies and Gentlemen, give it up for JIMMY! [the curtains part and Jimmy walks forward wearing a tuxedo] Thank you! Wow. What a terrific audience. [the curtains close behind him] I know what most of you are thinking. "Hey, uh-that guy stole my show..." [long pause] Wow, what a great audience. And how about this Michael Jackson guy, huh? I mean, come on... [long pause] Wow, what a great audience. [the soft sound of one person clapping is heard] Uh... l... lights, please? [the house lights click on and only one person is seen in the seats: Butters]
Butters: Hey Jimmy.
Jimmy: Butters, w-where is everybody?
Butters: Oh yeah, well, about that... Christopher Reeve came to town to do some kind of show, and everyone went to see him.
Jimmy: Christopher Reeve? Christopher Reeve?!
Butters: You know, Christopher Reeve, the guy who played Superman.
Jimmy: I know who he is! But why is everyone ditching my comedy show to see him?!
Butters: Ww-well, because he got crippled, but now he can move his finger. He is an inspiration to us all. That's why everyone ditched on your show.
Jimmy: So then, how come you came?
Butters: Well, because I said I would. Oh, I'm a dork, huh? [Jimmy stews on stage]
Scene Description: Kenny McCormick Memorial Town Square. Mayor McDaniels is on stage with her aides. Above them a banner reads "STEM CELL RESEARCH." A crowd of people has formed in front of the stage
Mayor McDaniels: And so without further ado, here's the most courageous, most amazing man on the planet, Christopher Reeve. [everyone claps and the curtains open. The mayor and her aides step aside. Christopher Reeve rolls out towards the mic. Jimmy shows up to watch.]
Reeve: Thank you, thank you, wow, what a great audience. [stops to catch his breath with a fixed smile in place] I just flew into South Park. [catches his breath] Used to be I didn't need an airplane.
Townspeople: Awwwww. [a smattering of applause]
Reeve: As most of you know, [catches his breath] I am a strong supporter of stem-cell research.
Jimmy: Say, fellas! Thanks a lot for goin' to my ...c-comedy show! ["It is a proven fact that stem-cell research"]
Cartman: We didn't go to your comedy show.
Jimmy: I know that, I was being f-f-f-fa...cetious! ["can add many years to the lives of people who have been disabled by accidents"]
Stan: Look, dude. Christopher Reeve, dude. ["or other ways."]
Jimmy: Ooh, Christopher Reeve! Whoop-de-freakin-do!
Kyle: Dude, that's not cool. You shouldn't make fun of Christopher Reeve.
Stan: Yeah dude, not cool.
Reeve: Though it is controversial, [catches his breath] stem cell research is critical [catches his breath] in the quest for helping [catches his breath] the disabled.
Jimmy: I put together a comedy show and I was crippled from BIRTH! [waddles off in a huff]
Stan: Uh, hoo. Guys, I think we'd better stay out of this one.
Kyle: Yeah, this is starting to look like something we shouldn't be any part of. Let's go play with trucks or something. [they turn right and trot off]
Timmy: Ha-a-aaa-haaa-a.
Jimmy: [approaching] Can you believe this asswipe, Timmy?
Timmy: Timmeh!!
Jimmy: Why is a celebrity who became crippled more important than us that were born that way, very much.
Timmy: Rrruh Timmeh!
Reeve: In the coming days [catches his breath] I will prove to the world [catches his breath] that stem-cell research is a miracle.
Scene Description: The bus stop, day. The boys are on the snow playing with their trucks.]
Cartman: Beep beep beep. Move it, Kenny! Beep.
Jimmy: Hey there fellas.
Stan: Oh hey Jimmy, hey Timmy.
Timmy: Timmih!!
Jimmy: Say, would you guys like to join our club? Oh, I'm sorry. You can't. You aren't crippled. [start laughing. The boys go back to playing with their trucks.]
Kyle: What?
Jimmy: To be in our club, not only do you have to be c-c-crippled, but you have to have been born that way. Do you know what that means? No butthole Superman asswipe Christopher Reeve!
Stan: That's nice, guys. We're just gonna stay out of this one. [Jimmy and Timmy turn and walk away]
Cartman: [jumps up and catches up to them] Hey, wait a minute! [Timmy and Jimmy stop] You guys can't just start a club and tell me I can't be in it!
Jimmy: Sorry, able-bodied, you can't join.
Cartman: Can too!
Jimmy: [turns to Timmy] Hey Timmy. How many able-bodied people does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. [begins to laugh. Timmy begins to laugh as well] You know what you call an able-bodied guy on the doorstep? Whatever his name is. [Jimmy and Timmy laugh, and walk away laughing]
Cartman: Oh God-damnit!!
Kyle: Cartman, just stay out of it.
Cartman: But they say I can't be in their club!!
Stan: Cartman, trust me. [Kenny pushes his own truck away] We don't want any part in this one.
Scene Description: "The T-shirt Factory", later. Timmy and Jimmy walk up to it and enter
Jimmy: Hello, Mr. McGillicuuhuhuhh... Mr. McGillicuddy. [Timmy has a box on his lap]
McGillicuddy: Hello, boys. What can I do for you?
Jimmy: [takes the box from Timmy] Timmy and I made a ...T-shirt design for our new club. [Timmy beams with delight] We just came up with a name this morning. [McGillicuddy opens the box, pulls out the shirt, and his jaw drops. The shirt reads, "THE CRIPS"]
McGillicuddy: Uh... boys, I don't think you wanna wear these shirts
Jimmy: Why not?
McGillicuddy: Well, because there already is a group that calls themselves the Crips, and I don't think they'd like it too much.
Jimmy: [stunned] ...There's already a Crips?!
McGillicuddy: Well, sure, they're all over at Five Points area in Denver. You've never heard of them?
Jimmy: No, we never have. Are they crippled from birth or are they cripple wannabes like Christopher Reeve?
McGillicuddy: ...Oh, I am stayin' out of this one. [leaves the counter]
Scene Description: "The T-shirt Factory", outside. The doors open and Jimmy and Timmy exit
Jimmy: Can you believe it, Timmy? All this time there was a group for truly crippled people like ourselves, and we didn't know it.
Timmy: [excited] Timmmeh!
Jimmy: Come on. We have to take the bus to Five Points in Denver.
Scene Description: The Larry King Show on HNN, on air.
King: My guest tonight is the brilliant star of stage and screen, Mr. Christopher Reeve, who, with the help of stem-cell research, is now able to move his arms.
Reeve: Thanks for having me on again, Larry.
King: All right. Chris, the whole world is waiting. Why don't you show us what stem-cell research has done for you. [with that fixed grin, Reeve strains to lift his right arm a few inches, then sets it down again.] Amazing. Isn't that amazing, folks? Now, Chris, there're some people who say stem-cell research is wrong, that taking cells from a fetus is... unethical.
Reeve: Well, it just proves that the public needs to be educated [catches his breath] about stem-cell research. See, the stem cells from a fetus like this one [pulls a dead fetus up from an unseen container] can form into whatever cells of the body are damaged. They are the most powerful thing on the planet.
King: And how does someone like yourself make use of the stem cells, Chris?
Reeve: Well, it's very simple. [takes the fetus and cracks it open like a coconut, then sucks out its contents and tosses it aside] And now you can see, my arms have better movement.
King: Wow. [begins clapping] Wow.
Scene Description: Five Points, Denver. A bum pushes a cart full of his belongings past Denver Meat Packing, a rundown warehouse. Sirens, gunshots, and a woman's screams are heard.
Jimmy: Excuse me, sir. [the bum stops, startled] we're looking for a group of people called the Crips.
Bum: You are?
Jimmy: Do you know where they meet? We've already tried the rec center and the library.
Bum: The Crips hang out at that old warehouse down there, [points to the building he just passed] but ...nobody goes in there.
Jimmy: [moves forward] Oh, it's okay. We're Crips ourselves. Come on, Tim-Tim.
Timmy: Timmmih! [follows]
Scene Description: Denver Meat Packing, inside. The music is thumping, there's gambling and general conversation going on. Jimmy and Timmy walks in.
Jimmy: Well hello everyone. [music abruptly stops] I'm Jim Swanson, and this is my friend Timmy.
Timmy: Timmmih! [awkward silence, then softly] Tih... ti-timmih.
Jimmy: [to a friend at left, as he points to the duo] Well, let us tell you a little bit about ourselves. Timmy and I are both true Crips, born and raised. We're the only Crips in South Park, where we live, and we would love to join your fa-fa-fabtasitc Denver chapter.
Large Crip: Is they for real, manh?
Jimmy: We just have one question before we join your c-club. Do you think it's better to be born a Crip, or to become a Crip later by accident?
Braided Crip: The only Crips is born Crips, dawg.
Tall Crip: Yeah, you can't become a Crip by accident, fool!
Jimmy: I agree. I mean, it's like [enunciates] "come on"! Why do these people who become crippled later in life think they're such great pot-potatuhs?
Timmy: Timmih! [silence]
Jimmy: Well, we're glad you see it our way, fellas. So can we join your g... group?
Buff Crip: All right, you wanna thug with the Five Point Crips? Bitches, all you gotta do is pop some punk-ass Bloods.
Jimmy: Well, sure. Tim and I would love to pop some punk-ass Bloods. We're terrific at it.
Timmy: Timmih?
Jimmy: [turns and answers softly] I don't know, Timmy, just play along.
Timmy: Uh-tu-Timmih!
Buff Crip: So you sayin' yuh down?
Jimmy: Down like a clown, Charlie Br... Down like a clown, Charlie B-broooowww... Down like a clown, Charlie Browh... Bro-uh-own. Down like a clown, Charlie Br-Brown. [music starts up again, and Timmy and Jimmy leave. As they walk down the street a rap song plays]
Jimmy: Say Timmy, did you notice that all the crippled people in that club are negros?
Timmy: Timmih!
Jimmy: That's an amm-mmazing coincidence. I mean, there's not one crippled colored person in South Park. [as they walk, a police car rolls up and the passenger-side officer calls out]
Officer: Hey you kids.
Jimmy: [stops and looks] Well hello, officers.
Officer: What the hell do you think you're doin'?
Jimmy: We're goin' to pop some punk-ass Bloods.
Timmy: Timmih! [the officers simply look at each other and drive off.]
Jimmy: [sees something] Look, Timmy. There's a convenience store. ["Ribs N Gass." A lot of gang members are milling around in front of the store] That must be what the fellas meant by "pop some punk-ass Bloods." They want us to get them some soda pop and treats. [the gang members notice them coming and stop to look. They cross the street] Let's buy them ginger ale and marshmallows. Then they'll let us in the club for sure.
Timmy: Oh, Timmih. [a truck appears in the distance and comes up fast.]
Driver: [noticing almost too late] Oh shit! [swerves to avoid the duo and slams into the convenience store they were trying to reach. The store and truck go up in a ball of flames while Jimmy and Timmy stop in their tracks]
Jimmy: Suh, suh, suh, suh, Sssunday driver!
Scene Description: Back at Denver Meat Packing, night. Jimmy and Timmy are back at the warehouse.
Buff Crip: Yo yo, listen up y'all! Let me tell you about my little Gs, Roller and 4 Legs here. They just smoked thirteen Bloods in one night!
Crip 1: One night?
Crip 2: You're kiddin'? You're kiddin'? One night?
Buff Crip: That ain't never been done before!
58 Crip: And they got us marshmallows and ginger ale.
Crips: [chattering] Uh huh. Cool. He's right.
Jimmy: So does that mean we can join the c-c...club?
Buff Crip: You're not just in, you're the baddest mofo Crips in town! Cipac! [a Crip steps forward] Turn up the beat so we can celebrate our new Gs Five-Points style!
Cipac: All right. [hobbles off]
Jimmy: Wow, these guys really are crippled. [the music starts up and the Crips start dancing] Timmy, I have a feeling that this is the start of something b-b-b-b...b-b-brilliant.
Timmy: Timmih!
Scene Description: Jimmy's home. A car drives up and drops off Timmy and Jimmy. The occupants are Crips.
Jimmy: Thanks for the ride home, fellas. We sure had a ...terrific time.
Cipac: Alrighty. Keep it real, dawg.
Jimmy: You dawgs keep it real, too. [Cipac flashes the Crips signs for "West Coast Crips" and the boys return the gesture]
Timmy: Timmih! [the Crips drive off]
Jimmy: Well, that sure was a terrific time. Let's go all around tomorrow and show everyone our new outfits, Timmy.
Timmy: Timmih! [Jimmy goes on home as Timmy rolls off]
Scene Description: Jimmy's house, inside. His parents sit before the TV, his mom worried.
Mom: [jumps up] There you are, Jimmy!
Jimmy: Whatup, Mazie? Ye-yo, Pops?
Pops: Jimmy, your mother was gettin' worried about you.
Jimmy: No need to worry about me. I'm cool like a fool in a swimming ppp-ppp-pp-pp-pool. [turns and hobbles off]
Scene Description: Outside, somewhere, day. A reporter begins speaking to the camera.
Reporter: Tom, I'm standing out front of the Stem Cell Research Facility with terrific news. Christopher Reeve, who was once paralyzed, claims that he can now stand.
Reeve: [flanked by two doctors, one of them carrying a medical organ cooler] Thank you everyone. [pulls out a fetus from the cooler and holds it in his left hand] To most people, this is just an ordinary fetus. But to people like me, [lifts it into the air] it's hope. [snaps it open as before and sucks out its juices.]
Crowd: Uugh.
Scene Description: Reeve tosses the carcass away, then he drops his feet to the floor, then he slowly rises from his wheelchair and raises his arms in victory. The crowd oooos and ahhhs.
Mr. Garrison: [arm around Mr. Slave] What an inspiration.
Reporter: Tom, many celebrities have spoken out in protest of stem-cell research, but, after seeing this, how can they protest now? [Reeve takes out another fetus and sucks it dry. Stan and the boys walk by]
Stan: [admonishing] Stay clear, guys, stay clear.
Kyle: Yup. I'm not seeing anything.
Scene Description: City Wok, day. Mr. Kim is wiping the counter down. Timmy and Jimmy enter dressed in their Crip outfits.
Mr. Kim: Hey [studies the boys before him, then holds up his arms] Hey, I don't want no trouble!
Jimmy: Hello. We'd like two orders of Kung... Pao Chicken, please.
Mr. Kim: I don't want no trouble! You just... take what you want and leave!
Timmy: Timmih!
Mr. Kim: [as if Timmy had barked an order] OH! Okay, okay! [steps to the cash register and opens it] I open register
Timmy: Timmih!
Jimmy: What's that? Oh, and one medium lemonade, please.
Timmy: Timmih.
Mr. Kim: [pulls out a stack of bills and sets them on the counter, then holds his arms up again] Here. Here one hundred twelve dorrar! It's all I have. Yeh take!
Jimmy: [confused] Huh?
Mr. Kim: You take! Uh one hundred twelve dorrar!
Jimmy: Ah- are you sure?
Mr. Kim: I no want no trouble. Just take it and leave!
Jimmy: [approaches the counter. Mr. Kim goes about preparing the food order] Well gee, that's really nice of you, Mr. ...Chinese person. [gets the money and shows it to Timmy] Look Tim-Tim, we got a cash prize. We must be the ...one hundredth customer or something.
Mr. Kim: Here! Here two order of Kung Pao Chicken, and small ice tea!
Jimmy: Actually, it was a regular lemonade.
Mr. Kim: [mortified at his error] AAAAAGH-agh!! [bows] I sorry! I sorry! I no want no trouble. [reaches for a cup and prepares a regular lemonade] Here. Remonade. [sets it on the counter. Jimmy reaches for it] Now go, just go!
Jimmy: Gee, thanks a lot. See you next time.
Timmy: [smiles] Timmih!
Mr. Kim: [soon lowers his arms and places a call] Hello! Police? I've just been robbed by two gang members!
Scene Description: Jimmy's house, later. His parents are standing by the kitchen's breakfast nook sipping coffee. A door opens in the living room, then closes.
Pops: Jimmy? Jimmy, could you come into the kitchen please?
Jimmy: [enters] Yo, Mamsie. What's up, Pops?
Pops: Uh have a seat, Jim. Your mother and I need to talk to you. [Jimmy approaches a chair and struggles to climb up on it. He gets no help from his parents. He succeeds in climbing the chair, then in sitting upright. He settles down.] Son, your mother and I have noticed a change in your behavior. And... we're worried that you might be involved in a gang.
Jimmy: A what? Oh, you mean the fellas. Well sure. But I can't talk about the club on account of its sssuper secret, dawg.
Mamsie: Then it's true! Oh, Ryan, it's true! [buries her face in Ryan's chest and sobs uncontrollably]
Jimmy: Why you be trippin', Mom? I mean [enunciates the nest two words] come on. I'm finally a part of something, very much.
Ryan: Jimmy, those people you're hanging out with are no good.
Jimmy: Yo, don't be dissing my n***as, dawg. They're my f-friends.
Mamsie: And what about your standup comedy, Jim, huh? Are you just giving up on that, too?
Jimmy: [now naturally] Nobody cared about my standup comedy! All that hard work just to be outshined by C-Christopher Reeve the super b-butthole!
Ryan: Uh Jimmy, we've told you before. God made you the way he did for a reason!
Jimmy: Right. Because you and Mom used to make fun of crippled kids in high school.
Ryan: That's right. You were sent here through the vengeful and angry hand of God to teach your mother and I a lesson. And that's a big responsibility, son.
Jimmy: Look! My gang, which I can't talk about because it's super secret, is the most important thing to me now! And if you two don't like it, you can just pass the blunt to the n***a on your left. [hops off the chair and ambles off. His mom sobs again. Ryan holds her]
Scene Description: A darkened lab. Christopher Reeve is pacing back and forth, having a headache.
Reeve: Where's that delivery of new fetuses?! Feeling weak again.
Aide: [rushes in with a fresh delivery] Here's the new shipment, sir. [Reeve lunges for the box and rips it out of the aide's hands, pushing the aide away] Hey! [Reeve tears into the box, opens the cooler, grabs a fetus, and starts sucking its juices out. A few seconds later, a door at the far wall opens]
Man: Hello there, Christopher. [Reeve is upset that he's been disturbed, but turns around and turns pleasant]
Reeve: Well, well, Gene Hackman, my nemesis from the movies. How are you?
Hackman: I'm good. You?
Reeve: I am better with each passing day. [turns around and pulls out another fetus] Stronger and more agile. [sucks its juices out as Hackman looks on]
Hackman: Christopher, I've come to ask you to stop what you're doing?
Reeve: [with fetus still on his lips] What?
Hackman: Using stem cells is like playing God. You should leave nature alone.
Reeve: And go back to the way I was? Is that what you're saying, Hackman?
Hackman: I'm saying that sometimes you need to just live with the cards you're dealt, Christopher.
Reeve: [raises his arms in a fit of rage, then turns away] Stop calling me Christopher! That name no longer has meaning to me! Christopher was someone who lived in a wheelchair! Always being pushed around by others! The old Christopher Reeve is dead! From now on, I am... [looks back menacingly] Chris!
Scene Description: Jimmy's house, night, living room. He sits on the floor between the couch and the coffee table working on a jigsaw puzzle.
Jimmy: Sixty-five... bottles of... beer on the wall. Six- [outside, a car rolls up to the house slowly. Four Bloods look at the house, all of them with masks on]
Blood: [front passenger side] Payback time, mothafucka! [the Bloods starts spraying the house with bullets]
Jimmy: [looks around as the bullets tear up the windows] Jesus Christ! [dives to the floor and crawls to the other side of the table, then rises up.] Holy G...guacamole! [the bullets start tearing up the couch and the front door. Jimmy dives to the floor, then rises up a few seconds later.] Freakin' Frijoles! [dives to the floor again. The front door is gone and the couch's stuffing is all over the place. Its springs pop out. The right-side portrait next to the door falls. The bullets stop, and Jimmy rises once again] Leapin' L-langosta. [the left-side portrait falls]
Blood: East Side Bloods! [the Bloods drop back into their car and peel off. Some time later, Officer Barbrady and his men show up to take reports and check out the crime scene. Timmy has returned to be with Jimmy. Two people walk up to the Swansons]
Hyde: We're Detectives Hyde and Richardson from the Special Gang unit in Denver.
Jimmy: Any word on who shot up me and Timmy's houses, officer?
Richardson: Word on the street is it was a retaliation hit by the Bloods.
Jimmy: The... B-Bloods?
Hyde: You know, smart-mouth! Your rival gang! The Bloods are at war with the Crips, they kill each other all the time!
Jimmy: The-they do??
Richardson: Don't act like you don't know, you lil' punk! The Crips and Bloods hate each other, and if you stay in that gang, you're gonna end up dead too.
Jimmy: But... but why do they hate each other?
Hyde: Look kid, I used to be a Crip myself, but I'm not anymore!
Jimmy: Oh, so you used ssstemm cells like Christopher Reeve?
Hyde: [realizes this conversation is fruitless] Come on. The only way these kids are gonna get out of their gang is get killed. [the detectives leave. Jim's mom begins to sob and then runs into the house.]
Ryan: [follows her in] Sarah!
Jimmy: [begins to pace before Timmy] Oh boy, Timmy, we should have never started a gang for people crippled from birth. Now they're at war with the people who are crippled from an accident. Boy were we wrong.
Timmy: [agreeing] Tim-mih.
Jimmy: Wow, w-we've got to do something, Timmy. We've gotta get the Crips and Bloods to s-stop fighting. I bet if we could just get them together... but how? Wu-wait a minute! I've got it! A lock-in at the rec center! We did it for our church once. All we do is rent out the rec center overnight. They lock the doors so nobody can leave, and then everyone has the whole night to play in the swimming pool and laugh and talk.
Timmy: Timmih!!
Jimmy: You get all the Crips you can to the rec center tomorrow night, Timmy. And I'll try to get all the ...Bloods there.
Timmy: Timmih!!
Jimmy: This is gonna be t-terrific!
Scene Description: South Park, next day, in front of Tom's Rhinoplasty.
Reporter: [same as before] Tom, several years ago, actor Christopher Reeve had a horrible accident and was paralyzed. The irony, of course, is that the man who played Superman could no longer walk. America watched in wonder as he managed to move one of his fingers, then his arms. And now, seen for the first time on HBC, Christopher Reeve is going to lift a truck up over his head. [Christopher walks over to a green truck and lifts the front end up over his head. The crowd oohs and claps for him]
Randy: Oh, what a fighter.
Gerald: That brave, brave man.
Liane: He's an inspiration to us all.
Reporter: Tom, the irony is even more irony-y as it appears that the stem cells have given Christopher Reeve almost superhuman strength.
Hackman: [appears with a crowd of people] Chris, that's enough!
Reeve: [looks at Hackman and drops the truck] Hello, Gene! So good to see you!
Hackman: You're cured, Chris. It's time to stop using stem cells.
Reeve: Stem-cell research has made me stronger than I ever thought possible! Why stop now?!
Reporter: Uh Tom, apparently, Gene Hackman, the man who played Superman's enemy Lex Luthor in the movies, has now shown up as a celebrity protester of stem-cell research. If that isn't ironic, Tom, I don't know what is.
Hackman: They're affecting your mind, Chris. If you won't stop using stem cells, then we'll stop you!
Reeve: Stop me?! Stop me?! HA!! [reaches over, picks up the truck clear over his head, and throws it at Hackman. Hackman and his crowd jump clear of the truck's path, screaming. The truck lands upside down where the crown stood. Reeve then runs down the street and onto a car] You won't stop me, Hack Man! [runs off the truck and jumps away maniacally] Ha HA! Ha HA! Ha haa haa! [jumps higher and higher until he clears buildings with each jump] Ya ha ha! Yaa haha!
Reporter: Tom, if irony were made of strawberries, we'd all be drinking a lot of smoothies right now.
Scene Description: Denver Recreation Center, night. Gang members file through the doors. Jimmy and Timmy greet everyone at the door. Timmy is disguised as Groucho Marx, Jimmy wears a ten-gallon hat.
Jimmy: Come on in, everybody. Lots of su-surprises and t-treats inside. [the last of the guests enter] Great to see you all. What a terrific audience.
Janitor: [an elderly man soon exits] Are you sure you got everything you need, young man?
Jimmy: We sure do. Thanks, Mr. Apple...b-by.
Mr. Appleby: Just remember to make sure the kids play safe in the pool area.
Jimmy: You bet. [he and Timmy move around him and into the center]
Mr. Appleby: I'll be back at seven to let you out. You kids have a good time.
Jimmy: Oh, we will. [Mr. Appleby closes the door and locks it.]
Scene Description: Denver Recreation Center, inside. A group of Bloods enter the gym and stop in their tracks. At the other end of the gym is a group of Crips, seated on some bleachers behind a basketball hoop. The Crips stand in reply.
Buff Crip: The Bloods!
Blood 1: Oh shit! It's a trap!
Blood 2: Muthafuckin Crips tryin' to smoke us all out!
Crip: What the hell is goin' on here? [Jimmy and Timmy step into the middle ground between the two gangs]
Jimmy: It's called a lock-in at the rec center. We can use all the rec center facilities. We can play basketball, go swimming, or even just kick it in the lounge area with some games and ...p-puzzles.
Timmy: Timmih!
Jimmy: But nobody can leave until it's seven a.m., so if you wanna have a good time, you're all just gonna have to learn to get along. [immediately, both sides draw weapons and aim them at each other. Once all the weapons are out...] Theeerrre's pizzaaa.
Scene Description: Nighttime, near the city. The reporter stands next to a man-made lake.
Reporter: Tom, over five years ago, doctors told Christopher Reeve that he would never walk again, but the resilient actor fought back, struggled against all odds, and has now built his very own Legion of Doom! [Its headquarters now appears behind him] The once immobile Mr. Reeve's new organization will be committed to world domination and evil. What an inspirational story, Tom.
Scene Description: Legion of Doom Headquarters, inside. Christopher Reeve is standing before a group of villains, both real and imagined.
Reeve: I have chosen each member of this elite group of supervillains for their outstanding treachery, [Osama bin Laden and Dr. Doom are shown, then Blank Manta and Saddam Hussein] Their desire for world conquest, [Cheetah, Kim Jong-il, and David Blaine are shown] and their hatred of all things good! [Professor Chaos is shown] And I've assembled this group for one purpose! To once and for all find a way to... [the picture behind him changes from a fist smashing Earth to a picture of Gene Hackman] get rid of Hack Man!! [laughs maniacally for effect, but no other villain moves]
Dr. Doom: Uhhh, how about domination of the world?
Saddam Hussein: Yeah. Or uh, death to the infidels?
Reeve: Silence! OUR job is to see to it that Hack Man is put out of commission.
Professor Chaos: Oh boy, General Disarray, may- maybe we just oughtta stay outta this one.
Hackman: [bursts through the doors with his supporters] Not so fast, Chris!
Reeve: [sucking on yet another fetus] Hack Man!
Hackman: We just helped pass a ban on stem-cell research. Your fetus-sucking days are over!
Reeve: No... [grabs his head in frustration] NOOOO!
Hackman: And now we're going to put you somewhere where you can never touch another fetus again!
Scene Description: Denver Recreation Center, inside. The Bloods and Crips challenge each other.
Buff Crip: You stupid mofos are dead!
Blood 3: Make the first shot, punk!
Jimmy: Hold it! Don't you see? It doesn't matter if we were crippled from birth, or crippled in an accident. We're all brothers.
Blood 4: Save it, fool! Crips ain't our brothers! [the atmosphere grows tense]
Jimmy: Look, we have the whole rec room to ourselves. Can't we all just try having some fun together?
58 Crip: You talkin' crazy, dawg.
Blood 5: Yeah, we ain't playin', sucka!
Jimmy: Why don't we at least give it a chance? I mean, [enunciates] Come on! [several tense seconds pass]
Buff Crip: Wait a minute. What did you say?
Jimmy: I said, "I mean, [enunciates] Come on!"
Blood 4: You know, maybe he's right. I mean, [enunciates] Come on!
Jimmy: [enunciates] Come on.
Buff Crip: I guess we could at least give havin' fun together a try. It's like [enunciates] Come on.
Blood 6: Yeah. Come on.
Crip 2: Yeah, that's right. Come on.
Jimmy: Come on.
Someone: Come on.
All: [in agreement] Yeah, that's right. Come on. [moments later rap music is playing, gang members gather in the pool and one prepares for a dive. In the gym gang members play basketball without arguing. One of them dances along the foul line. In another room gang members play pool. The camera stops at Jimmy and three members - two Crips and one Blood]
Buff Crip: I've gotta give you two dawgs props for puttin' an end to all this hate.
Jimmy: I told you, lock-ins at the rec center always work. And you know, I've learned something, too. I was player-hatin' Christopher Butthole Reeve because he got more attention than me. But just like... y-you guys, I need to learn to control my a... anger.
Blood: Right on!
Crip: [walks up to Timmy] Hey little roller, try some of this chronic shit.
Timmy: Timmih! [takes a hit. Both Crips and Bloods laugh]
Jimmy: I guess we all learned that trying to get along is way better than p... player hatin'. [a song begins, and Jimmy approaches the camera] The gang wrote a song about it. Why don't we listen in?
Gang Members: It used to be that Crips and Bloods didn't get along, But now we're all a family, so we wrote this song. Naaa na naaa, Crips and Bloods. Naaa na naaa, hope and love. Naaa na naaa, friendly thugs.
Scene Description: Outer space. Christopher Reeve is flung into space in a pane of glass.
Reeve: You haven't seen the last of me, Hack Man! I will be back!!
Scene Description: The woods near South Park, night. Stan and friends watch the celestial spectacle.
Stan: Dude, I am so glad we stayed out of that one.
Kyle: Me too.


Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. A new classroom. As the camera follows a new teacher around, the following kids are seen working with clay. Clyde presses the pottery wheel pedal as Bebe molds a vase on the wheel. Wendy watches. Tweek, Red, and Pip work on clay on the table near the wall. In the foreground, Token presses the pottery wheel pedal as Annie molds a vase. Butters, Kevin, and Francis work on their own projects. Kenny, Stan, Kyle, and Cartman are laughing at their project, which didn't require the use of the pottery wheel.
Teacher: [walks through the class] Okay. Good, children, good. Remember to feel the clay. Be one with the clay. Nice. Uh huh. [the boys still laugh at their monument]
Cartman: [laughing] Put more clay on the balls.
Teacher: [noticing] Boys! [they stop laughing as she points] What is that?
Kyle: A reindeer?
Teacher: You know, I've had it! You four boys never take art class seriously!
Cartman: [retorts] What a crime. [the three others chuckle, then laugh out loud]
Teacher: [displeased, with arms crossed] You think art is not important?
Stan: Weelll, art is just kinda... for gaywads.
Butters: [pipes up] I love art class!
Stan: See?
Teacher: [reaches for their creation and grabs it by the shaft] Do you think this is funny?! [shakes it around for effect] Do you think this is funny, huh?! [ends up looking at the head, as if she's about to suck on it. The boys cover their mouths to hold their laughter, knowing how she looks with their creation like that, but soon they burst out laughing. The teacher now cradles the project] Well, you four can just spend your afternoon after school here making new pottery! [the laughter stops and the boys' jaws drop.]
Cartman: You can't do that!
Teacher: I certainly can! I'm your teacher!
Cartman: You're an art teacher!
Teacher: Make it two hours!
Scene Description: Cut to after school. The art teacher sits at her desk watching the boys work on a proper vase on the pottery wheel. Kyle is pressing the pedal. The boys are angry at their teacher
Stan: Mrs. Streibel thinks she's so cool!
Kyle: How dare she talk to us like that?!
Kenny: (Yeah, how the fuck is that?!)
Cartman: We can't let her get away with this! [voicing dropping to almost a whisper] I think tonight we need to do something drastic.
Stan: Like what?
Cartman: Like find out where Mrs. Streibel lives, and go over there, and... TP her house.
Kenny: (Yeah!)
Kyle: TP her house?
Cartman: Toilet paper! Cover her house in toilet paper.
Kyle: Oh.
Cartman: [sensing Kyle's reluctance] What's the matter, Kyle? You chicken? [begins strutting like a chicken and making chicken noises. Kyle kicks Cartman in the balls in anger] Ugh! [drops to his knees, then gets one leg up]
Teacher: Quiet, boys. This isn't playtime, you're being punished!
Stan: [glares back at her, then softly] Fine! But we'll have the last laugh tonight, artwhore!
Cartman: [in pain] Yeah! Payback time, you ugly skank!
Scene Description: Henry's Supermarket, day. A woman watches her son ride in a coin-operated ride outside the store. Inside, the four boys approach checkout line 3 with two carts stacked high with packages of Kush Tush toilet paper.
Stan: D'you think that's enough?
Cartman: Should be fine.
Kyle: Don't you guys think this is a little suspicious? We should buy something else so it doesn't look obvious.
Cartman: Okay. [reaches behind the other boys and grabs something] Here we go, pack of chewing gum. [tosses it into the first cart. They approach the cash register]
Cashier: Hello boys. Find everything you need?
Cartman: Yep. All set.
Cashier: [begins scanning the packages] Mkay', let's see here. Toilet paper ["beep" $1.50 for a four-pack] Toilet paper ["beep"] Toilet paper ["beep"] Toilet paper ["beep"] Toilet paper ["beep"] So, what are you kids up to tonight? ["beep"]
Cartman: Oh, we're just gonna watch some TV, maybe play a board game.
Cashier: Nice relaxing night at home, huh? Toilet paper ["beep"] Toilet paper ["beep"] Aaand toilet paper ["beep." He picks up the gum] Eh, hey. [holds up the gum] Now you kids be careful with this chewing gum. Don't go sticking it under tables.
Stan: Okay
Cashier: Okay. Toilet paper ["beep"] Toilet paper ["beep"] Toilet paper ["beep."] You know, son, I remember you comin' in last week and buying this much toilet paper. ["beep"]
Cartman: Heh yeah, that that's right.
Cashier: ... Toilet paper ["beep"] Toilet paper ["beep"]
Kyle: You TP'ed a house last week, Cartman?
Cartman: No. Last Thursday night was fajitas night.
Kyle: Oh. [flashes disgust] Uuugh.
Scene Description: Mrs. Streibel's house, later, that night. The boys walk up to the house carrying black trash bags of toilet paper.
Stan: Is this the right house?
Cartman: It's the right address-wait! Look there! [the teacher prepares the dining-room table] There's Mrs. Streibel! This is the place. [loosens the drawstring on his back and lets the sides fall away. In the dining room, a boy and girl arrive and sit at table]
Kyle: Oh wait, wait, there's kids inside.
Cartman: So?
Kyle: So we're not TP'ing a house with kids inside it!
Stan: Kyle, we all agreed to do this!
Kyle: We didn't say nothin' about no kids, man!
Cartman: Kyle, you're being an asshole! Now let's do this thing and get out of m'yeah. [takes out a roll and advances a bit] Here's what I think of your art class, you God-damned bitch! [unleashes the first roll]
Kenny: (Yeah! Fuck you!)
Scene Description: Majestic music plays as Kenny unleashes his roll. Stan unleashes a roll. Cartman tosses off another one and grins. More rolls of paper fly onto the roof. Kyle tosses up a roll, unsure of doing so. Stan unleashes another one, and his glee is unabashed. Kenny tosses off another one. More and more rolls fly over the roof. Kyle freezes in awe of their vandalism. Toilet paper covers the house, the garage, and the trees around the house. The boys head for the sidewalk.
Cartman: Come on, let's go! [he and Kenny cross the road and drop down to a ditch on the other side. Stan follows]
Kyle: What have we done? [Stan looks back and gets Kyle]
Stan: Let's go, Kyle! [drags him off. Kyle is transfixed for a bit, then turns to follow Stan. A last shot of the house, and then the boys reach their bus stop gasping for air.]
Scene Description: The bus stop
Kyle: We're, we're in trouble. We're in sooo much trouble.
Cartman: Aw man, that was sooo awesome! [smiles]
Kyle: How can you say that? Did you see what we did to their house?! It'll take them days to clean that up!
Cartman: Who cares??
Kyle: Well, YOU don't, because you're a non-caring asshole, Cartman!
Cartman: Me?? [takes a couple steps forward] There's toilet paper on your hands, too, Kyle. [Kyle blanches]
Stan: Cartman's right, Kyle. We're all in this together.
Scene Description: Kyle's house, after bedtime. Kyle's room. He is asleep, but begins to have nightmares.
Kyle: Noo! No. [visions of flying toilet paper fill his head.] Noo! [an image of Mrs. Streibel's house being vandalized further, then of Mrs. Streibel running in horror.]
Mrs. Streibel: AAAAAAAAA!
Mr. Streibel: Honey, what is it?? Oh, Jesus no! Our house!
Streibel daughters: [crying] Mommy! Mommy!
Mr. Streibel: [with her family around her] Whyyy? Whyyy?
Kyle: [wakes up, startled] Ah! Oh God! Oh God!
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, next day. The kids are in their regular classroom chatting, waiting for class to begin.
Butters: Hey, uh, you guys here what happened last night? Mrs. Streibel's house got covered with toilet paper.
Clyde: Yeah. They say it's gonna take three weeks to get it all down.
Cartman: Yeah? Well, Ol' Mrs. Streibel probably had it comin' to her.
Butters: I don't know. I don't think anybody deserves that kind of brutality.
Cartman: Well, I understand the people who did it weren't caught, so-o... Looks like nobody will ever know the geniuses who masterminded that perfect crime. [the bell rings and Mr. Garrison enters with some books.]
Mr. Garrison: Okay children, let's take our seats. Oh, uh, Stan, Kyle, Eric, and Kenny, the counselor wants to see you in his office, now.
Cartman: [snaps his fingers] Damn!
Kyle: Oh God!
Scene Description: Outside the counselor's office. The boys sit on chairs next to the door - the bench is gone. Kyle looks around nervously.
Kyle: How the hell did they find out it was us that TP'ed that house?
Cartman: Will you relax, Kyle?! They have nothing on us! As long as we all stick to our story, we'll be fine.
Stan: We'd better go over our story again so we don't screw it up.
Cartman: Okay. Last night, all four of us were at the bowling alley until about 7:30, at which time we noticed Ally Sheedy, the Goth chick from the Breakfast Club, was bowling in the lane next to us, and we asked her for her autograph, but she didn't have a pen, so we followed her out to her car, but on the way we were accosted by five Scientologists who wanted to give us all personality tests, which were administered at the Scientology Center in Denver until 10:45, at which time we accidentally boarded the wrong bus home and ended up in Rancho de Burritos Rojos, south of Castle Rock, and finally got a ride home with a man who was missing his left index finger, named Gary Bushwell, arriving home at 11:46.
Kyle: I'm confused. Did Ally Sheedy take that personality
Stan: Yes, dude!
Cartman: Kyle, it's very simple: we followed Ally Sheedy out to her car, but on the way we were accosted by five Scientologists who wanted to give us all personality tests, which were administered at the Scientology Center in Denver until 10:45, at which time we accidentally boarded the wrong bus home and ended up in Rancho de Burritos Rojos, south of Castle Rock, and finally got a ride home with a man who was missing his left index finger, named Gary Bushwell, arriving home at 11:46, you got it??
Kyle: Ah, Ah I, ah I thought...
Cartman: [exasperated] Oh, for Christ's sake!
Stan: Look, Kyle, just let Cartman do all the talking, okay? He's better at being in trouble than anybody.
Cartman: Thank you, Stan. [the doorknow begins to turn] Sh sh, here they come, here they come. [the door opens and Mr. Mackey appears] "And so I said, 'That's a terrific joke, Wendy. Tell us another one.'" Oh, hello, Mr. Mackey. Are you ready to see us now?
Mr. Mackey: We're gonna talk to you one at a time, boys, m'kay? Kenny, will you step into my office, please?
Kenny: (Me??)
Mr. Mackey: Come on, Kenny, let's go, 'k? [Kenny hops off and enters the office, and Mr. Mackey closes the door. The other boys' jaws drop a bit.]
Cartman: Touchй, Mr. Mackey, touchй.
Kyle: Why are they doing us one at a time?
Cartman: They want to see if we mix the story up, and see if someone will rat out the other three for a better deal.
Kyle: [brightens up] I can get a better deal?
Cartman: Kyle, so help me God, if you Jew us out on this one, I will fucking kill you!
Scene Description: The Streibel house. Mr. Streibel is removing the toilet paper from the trees and house with a broom. He's already filled two trash bags of toilet paper and is filling a third.
Mr. Streibel: There we go. That should be about the last of it. [Officer Barbrady passes by with police tape, stretching it out from tree to tree. The camera pulls back to show the house is also covered in police tape] Ex- excuse me, uh, wha-what are you doing?
Officer Barbrady: Crime scene investigation! [pulls out a small tape recorder and starts speaking into it] There are several footprints in the snow. Perhaps more than one perpetrator? [turns it off]
Mr. Streibel: Ah... look, we really don't wanna make a big deal out of this.
Officer Barbrady: [noticing the trash bags] Is that the toilet paper there? I'll need to take those bags as evidence.
Mr. Streibel: Look it's just not that big a deal, I mean, I toilet-papered houses myself when I was a kid.
Officer Barbrady: You?! So where were you last night at around 9?!
Mr. Streibel: I was here.
Officer Barbrady: Aha!! Got you!
Mr. Streibel: Officer, why would I TP my own house?
Officer Barbrady: Insurance?
Mr. Streibel: It wasn't me, okay? Now, if you don't mind, I just wanna get my yard back to normal.
Officer Barbrady: [grabs him by the collar] Now you listen to me! Whoever TP'ed your house is still out there roaming the streets. It's only a matter of time before another house and another family is victimized! I have to stop that from happening.
Mr. Streibel: You really have nothing better to do, do you?
Officer Barbrady: No I do not.
Scene Description: Kyle's house, after bedtime. Kyle's room. He is asleep, but the nightmares return.
Kyle: Noo! No. [visions of flying toilet paper fill his head.] Noo! [an image of Mrs. Streibel's house being vandalized further, then of Mrs. Streibel running in horror.]
Mrs. Streibel: AAAAAAAAA!
Mr. Streibel: Oh, Jesus no! Our house!
Streibel daughters: [crying] Mommy! Mommy!
Nancy Kerrigan: [being treated on the ice rink] Whyyy? Whyyy? Whyyy?
Kyle: [wakes up, startled] Oh God! Oh God! I have to tell the truth! [hops off the bed and runs to the bedroom door] Mooooomm! [opens the door and finds Cartman in the hallway]
Cartman: [in rave tones] Hello, Kyle. Going somewhere?
Kyle: I was... I was just going to get a drink of water.
Cartman: No need. I have one for you right here. [presents a glass of water to him]
Kyle: [takes the glass] Oh. Okay. Thanks.
Cartman: Is there anything else I can get for you?
Kyle: Noo, I'll just... be... going back to bed now.
Cartman: You do that. Goodnight, Kyle. [closes the door]
Scene Description: Park County Juvenile Hall, day. Inside, the warden leads Officer Barbrady to Cell Block 4.
Warden: Josh Meyers TP'ed over six hundred houses in less than a year. [fumbles for his keys.] He's a real monster.
Officer Barbrady: I just need to talk to someone who knows how toilet paperers think.
Warden: Just remember: he'd toilet-paper you in a second if he had the chance. [finally opens the door] He's the last cell on your left. [Barbrady enters and finds himself in an old part of the Hall. He walks past the prisoners and arrives at Josh's cell. It is a brick cell with a thick glass wall where prison bars would normally be. Holes in the glass allow for conversation. Josh has paintings of toilet paper around the cell.]
Officer Barbrady: Hello, Josh. My name is Officer Barbrady. I'm with the South Park police.
Josh: [affecting a Hopkins accent] That's a terrible cologne you're wearing, officer. You should try something more... casual.
Officer Barbrady: I was hoping you could help me solve a toilet-papering case?
Josh: And why would I do that? Because I'm such a charming fella?
Officer Barbrady: Uh please, I need your help. What would you want in return?
Josh: [turns away] Due to the harsh nature of my crimes they don't allow me to have toilet paper in my cell. You can imagine how bothersome that becomes.
Officer Barbrady: You... know I can't give you toilet paper, Josh.
Josh: [turns back] No, but it was worth a try, wasn't it? [a closeup of Josh's face] Tell me something, officer: why is it that you police such a small town. You must have had larger inspirations. What happened to those... big-city dreams?
Officer Barbrady: [reflecting] Well, that's kind of personal.
Josh: [extreme closeup] Quid pro quo, officer. Tell me what I want to know. And I'll help you catch whoever toilet-papered that house.
Officer Barbrady: Look kid, I have very little time to catch whoever toilet-papered that house. Tell me what you know.
Josh: Are those the crime scene photos? Let me see them. [approaches the drop slot as Barbrady slides the packet of photos in, then walks back and takes them out for review.] Yes. Yes. Not bad work, not bad at all. These toilet-paperers are professionals...at least one of them is.
Officer Barbrady: So you think there was more than one. Why?
Josh: [puts the photos behind his back] Tell me something first. When you went to the academy you had something to prove. You wanted to protect and serve, but mostly you wanted to protect yourself. Who were you protecting yourself from, Officer Barbrady?
Officer Barbrady: Oh all right, all right, my uncle Charles used to hit me with a belt! [cries uncontrollably]
Josh: [closes his eyes, satisfied.] Thank you. Your toilet-paperers are most like males between the ages of 8 and 10 and probably virgins. Parents notice that much toilet paper missing, so they would have to have bought it themselves. Find out where the toilet paper came from, officer, and you just might catch your man.
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Kids are moving towards their classes, passing each other in the process. Stan and Kenny are talking with Clyde, Craig, and Kevin.
Cartman: Stan, Kenny, can I talk to you guys for a second? [Stan waves bye to Clyde, Craig, and Kevin, and they leave. He and Kenny approach Cartman talks in hushed tones] I think we have the counselor and the principal fooled, but we need to talk about Kyle.
Stan: What about him?
Cartman: Come on, you know. He's losing it. He's gonna crack.
Kenny: (I think so too.)
Cartman: Kyle can't take the heat; he's gonna sing like a canary. Then we're all gonna take the fall for what we did.
Butters: [walks up] Ha-ey fellas. [Cartman and Kenny avoid eye contact with Butters]
Stan: Butters. [looks down, then away, then sniffs, then clears his throat. After a while, Butters just walks off]
Cartman: [a few seconds later] Look you guys, all it takes is for one of us to crack, and we all know who the weakest link is!
Stan: So what should we do?
Cartman: We have no choice. We have to kill Kyle.
Stan: [just looks at Cartman] ... Dude, we're not killing Kyle!
Kenny: (Yeah!)
Cartman: Why not?
Stan: Kyle's not gonna say anything, alright?
Cartman: He almost spilled the beans in the counselor's office! He can't even keep the story straight! I'm telling you guys, he's weak. He's weak, and he'll be the end of all of us. [walks off]
Scene Description: South Park Police Department.
Cashier: You wanted to see me, Officer Barbrady?
Officer Barbrady: Yes, thanks for coming, Mr. Bell. A house was TP'ed in South Park and I need to see if you can identify the toilet paper I recovered from the scene. [walks up to a body bag] I'm... sorry I have to do this. [unzips the bag and recoils with Bell at the apparent foul odor. They both cough]
Mr. Bell: Oh my God.
Officer Barbrady: Is this toilet paper from your store?
Mr. Bell: It's... difficult to tell, it's... so decayed, I... wait a minute, yes. Yes, I recognize the floral pattern now.
Officer Barbrady: [takes out the tape recorder, turns it on, and speaks into it] Positive ID on the toilet paper. [turns it off and puts it away]
Mr. Bell: Who would... do this to toilet paper? Who?
Officer Barbrady: Mr. Bell, do you remember anyone suspicious buying toilet paper in the last few days?
Mr. Bell: Suspicious like how?
Officer Barbrady: Well, like someone who was black or Mexican or Middle Eastern.
Mr. Bell: Nnoo, the only Mexican guy I recall bought toasted tarts and chips and... we don't allow Middle Eastern people in the store. [arrives at a realization] Oh my God! [vomits]
Scene Description: Stark's Pond, night. A low fog moves over the surface of the water.
Kyle: What's this all about, Cartman?
Cartman: I just wanted to see how you're doing, Kyle. Why don't we go out for a little boat ride?
Kyle: A boat ride?
Cartman: I just thought we should find a private place to... talk.
Kyle: Well, okay.
Cartman: Could you help me put this cement block and chain in the boat? [Kyle walks over and helps Cartman load the block and chain onto the boat. Kyle then hops in. Cartman retrieves a bat, loads it onto the boat, and hops in. The boat begins to float away from the shore.] Okay, let's go. [starts to row. The boat heads for the middle of the pond, and eerie music plays] So how are things, Kyle?
Kyle: Terrible. Every time I close my eyes I see the house we TP'ed. I see the tears of our art teacher and hear the screams of her daughters.
Cartman: And you feel like you have to confess.
Kyle: I don't know what to do. [Cartman reaches for the bat while Kyle has his back to him] Part of me feels like I wanna end it all now. [Cartman takes aim] Tell people what heppened. You know, I never knew how beautiful this pond was before. [Cartman moves the bat around, measuring Kyle] So cold. The world can feel like that. [Cartman moves forward, ready to whack him] So calm on the outside, as if nothing bad ever happens. [Cartman takes a whack at Kyle's head, but all Kyle does is blink] Ow. [rubs his head and turns around] What the hell are you doing, Cartman?!
Cartman: I'm killing you. But unfortunately I could only afford a wiffle ball bat, so it's gonna take a while. [whacks him again]
Kyle: Cartman!
Cartman: Don't fight it, Kyle, it will only take longer. Just slip into sweet unconsciousness. [whacks him twice more]
Kyle: You wanna kill me?! Fine! [turns around and crosses his arms] I can't live like this anymore! Go ahead! Do it! [Cartman lowers the bat and thinks a bit, then resumes whacking Kyle. Once. Then eight more times.]
Cartman: Won't be long, Kyle. [whacks him three more times.]
Scene Description: Juvenile Hall, day. Barbrady returns to Cell Block 4.
Officer Barbrady: Josh, I need your help.
Josh: The answer is right in front of you, but you can't see it.
Officer Barbrady: How do you mean?
Josh: Tell me, the toilet paper. Was it quilted?
Officer Barbrady: Yes.
Josh: Single-sheet?
Officer Barbrady: No, two-ply. [Josh closes his eyes and thinks hard] What? What does that tell you?
Josh: Why does one toilet-paper houses
Officer Barbrady: To get revenge.
Josh: No, that is incidental. Your toilet-paperers wanted to transform the art teacher's house, thus transforming her entire occupation.
Officer Barbrady: What do you mean?
Josh: Your uncle, who hit you with a belt. Was he a large man?
Officer Barbrady: I don't have time for this, kid.
Josh: Did he stink like bayer when he came home from work all powoor from playin' down at the pool house?
Officer Barbrady: Alright alright my dad dressed me up like a little girl on poker nights and he made me sit on all my uncles' laps! [cries uncontrollably]
Josh: Whoa. Uh, oh. Thank you. Your toilet-paperers are most likely students in the art teacher's class, students who aren't very good at art.
Officer Barbrady: Oh. Of course! One of her students!
Josh: Fly along now, Officer Barbrady. You've got some arrests to make. [turns around and whispers to himself] Fly fly flyyy. Fly fly flyyy.
Warden: [arrives at Josh's cell] Josh, [the smile vanishes from Josh's face] were you doing the silly voice for the policeman again?
Josh: [normal voice] No, sir.
Scene Description: Stark's pond, night. Cartman is still whacking away at Kyle, in vain. Stan and Kenny come up in a pedal-powered boat. Both of them are pedaling. Stan looks over.
Stan: Cartman, what are you doing?
Cartman: I'm getting rid of our problem. Kyle will be dead in a matter of hours.
Stan: You don't have to kill Kyle, dude. The police made an arrest. And the person confessed!
Cartman: They did?
Kyle: They did?
Stan: They say they got the guy that did it down at the police station.
Kyle: Who confessed? That doesn't make any sense.
Cartman: But can I still kill Kyyyle?
Scene Description: South Park Police Department, day. The boys head for the station and enter.
Officer Barbrady: Hello boys. How are you?
Stan: We heard that you have the person who TP'ed the art teacher's house? Is that true?
Officer Barbrady: It sure is!
Cartman: Uh, can we see them-him-her?
Officer Barbrady: Right over here. [takes the boys over to the one jail cell] Yeah, we interrogated the suspect for over forty hours, and he finally cracked. [the boys turn right to see the suspect]
Butters: Hey fellas!
Stan: Butters?
Butters: Yep. I'm in jail.
Kyle: You con-fessed?
Butters: Uh huh. Unh, they said I TP'ed the art teacher's house. [thoughtful] I don't seem to remember it, [normal] but they're pretty sure it was me. [approaches the bars and grabs them] I just can't get my behavior under control!
!Officer Barbrady: His parents are on their way down now.
Butters: Yeah. And boy, are they gonna uh let me have it! Just wait till my father gets here!
Kyle: [turns away, and the other boys huddle around him] You guys, we can't let him do this!
Cartman: What are you talking about? This is a gift from God. An early Easter present all wrapped up in a pretty ribbon from Jesus Christ himself!
Butters: Well I'm just a little asshole, is what I am. When God made me, he must have not been payin' very close attention, 'cause I turned out wrong! Just plain wrong!
Kyle: Officer Barbrady, Butters didn't TP that house.
Officer Barbrady: Why do you say that?
Kyle: Because it was-
Cartman: [rushes up and intervenes] Wiffle ball, anyone? [glares at Kyle] Anyone care for a nice game of Wiffle ball?
Butters: You know, it's not my parents I'm worried about. It's my girlfriend, Carrie. Why, she lives in Michigan. But when she finds out about this, woooo smokey, is she gonna be sore! She might even break up with me. And it would serve me right, too.
Officer Barbrady: All right, boys, visiting time is over. Thanks for stopping by.
Scene Description: South Park Police Department, outside. The boys leave the station.
Cartman: You see guys, it all worked itself out. Tadow, tadow, how you like me now? Feel a little silly now, Kyle? Tadow, how you like me now?
Kyle: I still feel bad, Cartman
Cartman: What? Hu- How can you feel bad? Somebody else is gonna pay for our crime.
Kyle: Yeah. That makes it even worse.
Cartman: Bu... ...eh... Kyle, you don't seem to understand. We're we're not gonna get punished for this. Ever.
Kyle: I know.
Cartman: So... so then, how can you feel bad?
Stan: He feels guilty for doing it and for letting someone else pay for it.
Cartman: ...But he's not gonna get in trouble.
Stan: It doesn't matter if you get in trouble of not, you can still feel bad. [to Kyle] I think you're right, Kyle. Maybe we should confess.
Kenny: (Yeah, maybe we should.)
Cartman: What?? Eh... [tries to be upbeat] hey you guys! There's nothing to feel bad about! We're, we're off scot-free!
Kyle: We feel bad for other people.
Cartman: [looks at the other boys in disbelief] For oth-er... [winces] Uh. Oww. ...Ih ...Ih, ih, is it that ...you think you might get in trouble later?
Stan: Tomorrow in school we'll all tell the teacher it was us, and let her decide what to do. [points an accusing finger at Cartman] And Cartman, if you had any thread of a conscience at all, you'll do the same! [He, Kyle, and Kenny leave]
Cartman: Eh buh... eh... eh... Freakin' weirdos, man!
Scene Description: South Park Police Department. The Stotches arrive at the police station and charge in.
Stephen: Well well well! I had to see it to believe it! [approaches the jail cell]
Butters: Hi, Dad.
Stephen: Don't you "Hi, Dad" me! Look at you! Standing behind prison bars! Again!
Butters: Yeah.
Linda: What fibs have you been telling this policeman, Butters?! You know damn well you didn't toilet-paper that house!
Officer Barbrady: Huh??
Stephen: Butters was with us all night, Officer Barbrady.
Linda: Butters, what have we told you about confessing to crimes you didn't commit?! We have had it, mister!
Butters: Well, he kept accusin' me for hours, and then he shot me up with sodium pentathol.
Stephen: And that's your excuse?!
Officer Barbrady: Well, looks like I made a mistake. I... guess I'd better let you out now. [goes to the cell door and opens it]
Stephen: Just wait till we get you home, you little fibber!
Butters: [steps back from the door] Officer, can I stay in jail, please?
Scene Description: The woods near Stark's Pond, evening. Eric appears and calls out to people behind him.
Cartman: Come on, you guys! Hurry! [steps forward and looks back to his friends] Guys, hurry!
Stan: [appears] What is it, Cartman? [Kyle and Kenny trail Stan]
Cartman: It's over this way! Come on!
Scene Description: Stark's Pond, later. Cartman rows the small boat to the middle of the lake, as he did before with Kyle. Lonely music plays, as before.
Cartman: So how are things, guys?
Stan: Cartman, we're confessing tomorrow in school, and that's final.
Cartman: I'm afraid I can't let that happen.
Kyle: You can't kill all three of us, Cartman!
Cartman: Can't I? [pulls out the Wiffle ball bat and starts whacking the other three. They just look at each other.]
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, next day. Officer Barbrady enters the principal's office.
Officer Barbrady: Excuse me, everyone. [Mr. Mackey and Mrs. Streibel turn around. Principal Victoria sits at her desk] I have someone with me who can tell us all who toilet-papered the art teacher's house! [the door opens and Josh is rolled in tied up to a dolly by a policeman. He quickly looks to his left] Josh insisted he be able to tell you the names of the toilet paperers in person. [on top of a file cabinet near the door is a roll of toilet paper. Josh smiles]
Mr. Mackey: Uh, that's nice, Officer Barbrady, but we actually don't need to know-
Kyle: [rushes in] Hold it! [Stan and Kenny rush in behind him] Principal Victoria, Mr. Mackey, Mrs. Streibel. We have something we need to tell you.
Principal Victoria: All right. Will you people stop barging into my office, please?
Josh: What's the matter, Principal Victoria? Was your mother abusive? Did she spank your thighs with cold cuts and stick umbrellas up your ass?
Principal Victoria: [pointing] Get him out of here!
Officer Barbrady: Uh, Policeman Brown, will you take Josh outside, please?
Josh: [being rolled out] Ooh, Policeman Brown, never quite made officer. Why is that, Policeman Brown? [the roll of toilet paper is now gone...]
Kyle: We have to confess that we were the ones that-
Mr. Mackey: It's too late, boys, m'kay? We already know everything.
Stan: You, you do? How?
Cartman: [steps forward from the back of the room] Hi guys.
Kyle: Cartman??
Cartman: I told them everything, you guys. It's over.
Principal Victoria: Luckily for us, one of you had enough of a conscience to come forward.
Cartman: My consciences just caught up with me.
Kyle: That's not fair!
Mr. Mackey: You all get two weeks of detention, except Eric, who gets one week for being brave.
Kyle: But, but he's lying! He doesn't have a conscience!
Officer Barbrady: Well, I guess my work here is done. After all this, I'm gonna need a long vacation. [turns and exits the room]
Kyle: This was supposed to be my story! My coming to terms with a guilty conscience! This isn't fair!
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, hallway outside the principal's office.
Officer Barbrady: Okay, Josh, time to go back to the... [sees Policeman Brown covered in toilet paper and Josh's dolly empty] Oh no!
Policeman Brown: He... He was too fast for me. He ran out the door!
Officer Barbrady: Couldn't you have gone after him?
Policeman Brown: Well, ah I'm covered in toilet paper. I'd look silly.
Scene Description: South Park Elementary cafeteria, after school. Mr. Mackey addresses the detained. The boys are there, as well as two of the sixth graders, and Craig and Bebe.
Mr. Mackey: Welcome to detention. You will be here till five o'clock, so make good study use of your time. M'kay?
Stan: Wugh! Two weeks of this!
Kyle: Yeah. But I have to say, I feel a lot better now.
Cartman: I know what you mean, Kyle. I realize now that even though you might not get caught doing something bad, you can still get caught later.
Kyle: Oh Jesus! [buries his face in his hands, then raises it as Cartman talks]
Cartman: I didn't feel bad before, but now I just feel terrible.
Kyle: You just feel bad for yourself that you're in detention!
Cartman: Right. I guess I learned today that sometimes you-
Kyle: Oh, stop it, Cartman! You didn't learn anything! Not a God-damned thing!
Cartman: Hm.
Scene Description: South Park Police Department, afternoon. Barbrady stands at his desk. The phone rings and he answers it.
Officer Barbrady: Police station.
Josh: [over the earpiece] Hello Officer Barbrady.
Officer Barbrady: Josh? Josh, where are you?!
Scene Description: An undisclosed location, day.
Josh: I'm afraid that giving away my location might be harmful to my freedom, officer. I just wanted to thank you for helping me get out of that dingy cell.
Scene Description: South Park Police Department.
Officer Barbrady: Josh, you have to go back to Juvenile Hall. You only have a three-week sentence.
Scene Description: Washington DC, day.
Josh: Sorry, officer, gotta run. There's something I've been meaning to do for quite some time. Ciao. [hangs up. Next to him are two boxes full of toilet paper. He picks them up and leaves the phone. The camera zooms out to reveal the location to be a park across the street from the White House. Josh heads for the White House, but stops at the curb to gaze at it.]