Scene Description: South park, night. Randy is driving the boys, including Timmy on the truck bed, through the town. Stuart is with them, but Kyle is not. The boys are in Scout gear.
Randy: Well, you boys must be pretty excited: Your first night of Scouts.
Stan: It's gonna suck. There's gonna be like, new kids there we don't know.
Kenny: (Yeah.)
Stuart: Well, now, that's part of the fun.
Randy: Yeah. Both Kenny's dad and I were in Scouts for years.
Stan: Was your dad in Scouts, Cartman? Oh yeah, you don't have a dad. [all but Cartman laugh]
Cartman: That's not funny! Jesus Christ!
Stan: [calling to the back] Are you excited for your first night of Scouts, Timmy??
Timmy: Hyeah Timmay!
Cartman: Yeah, he's excited.
Scene Description: Park County Community Center, night, outside shot, then inside shot. The doors open and the group walks in. A shot of the many kids inside, then back to the doors. Butters walks up.
Butters: Hey, fellas!
Cartman: [flatly] Hey, Butters.
Butters: Boy, am I glad to see you guys! There's lots of kids here from other schools, and I don't know anybody.
Randy: Alright, boys, we're gonna head to the bar. We'll be back to pick you up at nine.
Stuart: You boys just make sure to obey the scout leader now. He's the man in charge.
Big Gay Al: [suddenly steps in] Hello scouts!
Stan: Hey, it's Big Gay Al!
Big Gay Al: Hello, Stanley. I was happy to see you and your little friends' names on the list!
Timmy: Timmay!
Randy: You're the new scout leader?
Big Gay Al: [walks around the boys and stops behind the dads, hugging them] I just got transferred in. [lets go of the dads and moves further into the room] I think everyone's here now, so we can get started. [stops] Come on, Scouts. We've got work to do! [moves again]
Boys: Hooray! [they start moving, too]
Stan: See ya, Dad!
Scene Description: Community Center gymnasium. Three tables are set for the scouts to sit at. Big Gay Al walks up to his chair at the center table. Stan, Cartman, Kenny, and Timmy find empty spots on the outside of the table to the left. A small banner hangs from the center table: TROOP 69
Big Gay Al: Hey, are you parents gonna stand there all night? This meeting is for scouts only, you silly gooses. [Randy and Stuart look on a bit longer, then turn around and walk out. Close-up on the table reveals four older scouts, two on either side of Big Gay Al] Now, before we get started, scouts, I want to introduce you to someone very special here tonight. He's a brave little boy with disabilities who proves just by being here that Scouts are for everyone!
Timmy: [happily] Timmay!
Big Gay Al: So let's all give a big round of applause to little... Jimmy! [points to his right. Jimmy walks up using his crutches.]
Jimmy Valmer: Well hello everyone. [applause]
Timmy: Ji- Jimmay?
Scene Description: The bar, nearby. There's some argument going on inside
Stuart: Look! I'm not saying the new scout leader's a bad person, I just don't think he should be a scout leader!
Randy: He got to where he is by being a good scout; maybe we should just leave him alone.
Stephen: Well how gay is he?
Stuart: He's really, really gay.
Token's father: Well then, I don't want my boy there, either. [more argument ensues]
Randy: So he's a homosexual. So what?
Stuart: I have nothing against homosexuals either, Randy, but the big camping trip is next week! Are you sayin' you're fine with this guy campin' overnight, alone, with our boys??
Skeeter: You know, boys emulate authority figures. Even if it doesn't turn them gay, they could end up all talk and all fem' and prancin' around like girls. [more argument]
Randy: Aw, that's ridiculous.
Priest Maxi: [walks in] People, people, please! You're forgetting that homosexuality is a choice! As many of you know, I, myself, went through a... homosexual... phase. But the light of Christ showed me how to change. Just give me two hours with this man, and I can convert him back.
Man: [voice only] That's what you said about Peterson, and then you ended up having sex with him!
Man 2: [voice only] That's right.
Man 3: [voice only] You did.
Scene Description: Community Center gymnasium. The Scouts are well into their first activities
Big Gay Al: And so that's how to make banana-nut muffins. And now, as a very special treat, our very special friend Jimmy is going to do what he loves most: Motivational standup comedy. [Jimmy walks into view] Let's give him a big hand. [applause]
Jimmy: Wow, what a great audience. [applause dies down] Well, just in case you were wondering, I do have a disability. I am totally happy with the way I was born, very much. I travel to different states and talk to kids about being proud of what they are. My mom says that God has a p-plan for everyone. I guess I was plan B. [the other kids laugh] You guys like im- personations? [applause]
Timmy: [displeased] Timmy.
Jimmy: How about Jimmy Stewart? "Merry Christmas, movie house." And John Travolta. "Oh my God, Mr. Kotter! Mr. Kotter, oh, oh my God, Mr. Kotter!"
Stan: Jimmy's funny, dude.
Butters: Yeah, well, he's the coolest kid with disabilities in the world!
Timmy: [gets angry and crosses his arms] Hmph! [the doors open and in walk Randy and Stuart]
Stuart: Uh, Kenny, it's nine o'clock.
Randy: Come on, Stanley.
Big Gay Al: Oops, guess we're out of time, kids. Now remember, tomorrow you all have bake sales in your respective neighborhoods to raise money. We'll meet back here next Tuesday, and see who raised the most. Good luck.
Stan: Hey, I have a great idea! Why don't we see if Jimmy wants to come be in our Scout club?
Cartman: Hey, yeah!
Timmy: [brushing off the idea] Timmuh Timmy Timmy Timmy. [camera pulls back to show Jimmy walking up]
Stan: Hey Jimmy, do you wanna join our bake sale in South Park tomorrow?
Jimmy: Gee, sure, that'd be great! Thanks, fellas.
Randy: [the other scouts leave] Come on, Stan.
Stan: Bye, Big Gay Al. We had a great time.
Kenny: (Yeah, see ya.)
Stan, Cartman: Bye, Jimmy.
Jimmy: See ya tomorrow at the bake sale, fellas.
Scene Description: Randy's truck, night. Randy is taking the boys home.
Stan: You were right, Dad. Scouts is awesome!
Kenny: (Yeah!)
Stan: We told ghost stories, a-and learned how to make a tornado in a glass bottle!
Cartman: Yeah, we learned how to make cakes and muffins for our bake sale.
Stan: And best of all, we met this kid named Jimmy. He's disabled, but he doesn't let it ruin his life! He's awesome!
Timmy: [outside, visibly upset] Yahahah!!!
Cartman: Yeah, we're gonna use him to help raise money in our bake sale.
Stan: Cartman, don't say "use him", you big silly goose. [Randy bears down on the brakes, causing Timmy to roll backwards and into the back window]
Timmy: Ah.
Randy: [to Stan] What did you say?!
Stan: [a bit softly, eyes fixed on his fater] I just... called Cartman a name- he's a, he's a silly goose.
Stuart: Uh huh!
Randy: You do not say "Big silly goose"! You call him an asshole like a normal kid!
Stan: Dad, I was just tryin' tuh-
Randy: Stanley, you call your friend an asshole this instant!
Stan: [glances at Cartman] ...Asshole. [looks at Randy again]
Randy: That's better.
Cartman: Don't call me an asshole, you som' bitch.
Scene Description: South Park, next day, Camera pulls back to show a booth next to a stage. On the booth is a banner: "Mountain Scout Bake Sale," and Timmy, Kenny, Cartman, and Butters are manning the booth. Items for sale: cookies, cakes, and donuts. Butters mans the collection box. People walk by this way and that. On stage, Stan prepares to speak.
Stan: Uh, hello? We are having a bake sale to raise money for scout troop number six nine. Uh, please stop by and give us a hand. And now, for your entertainment, our new best friend, stand-up comic Jimmy! [Jimmy walks up on crutches to the mic and begins]
Jimmy: Wow, what a great audience. I just flew into South Park. Boy, are my crutches tired! [male laughter] What a terrific audience. You know, sometimes people ask me, "Are you angry at God for making disabled people?" I say, "No, I think the world is better with puh-President Bush." [laughter]
Sharon: [heartfelt] What a brave little boy.
Sheila: He's able to use comedy to overcome his handicap! I love him! [Timmy, upset, sighs and crosses his arms]
Jimmy: Well, I sure have met a lot of interesting people here in South Park. [more people gather] H-how about that Eric Cartman kid, huh? "Goddamnit! God-. No, Kitty, that's my pot pie! Goddamnit! Eh, Goddamnit!" [more laughter]
Cartman: Hehe, I don't sound like that.
Jimmy: And how about that school counselor? "Uh, dr-, drugs are b-bad." [Mackey happily nudges a man to his right] "Uh. Drugs are bad, okay? Uh, drugs are, drugs are bad, okay? Okay?" [Timmy is stewing in his anger] Wow, what a great audience. "Mr. Hat. Be quiet, Mr. Hat. Mr.-" [Garrison grins] "Hello there, children. Mr. Hat. Hello- Mr. Hat" [more laughter] "I'm making Salisbury steak for lunch." [Chef looks flattered] "Salisbury steak for lunch." Eh. Uh. "Goddamnit, Goddamnit!" [more, stronger laughter and applause] And of course, my very favorite, "Timmy! Huh. Timmy! Uh liv-, I'm living a lie! I'm living a lie, Timmy!" [the laughter and applause get louder, and Timmy gets livid] "Ti- Timmy, I'm living a lie. Heh, heh. Ah Timmy." Heh. Sometimes it's like, "Please, Timmy, learn a new word," heh. "Timmy! Tu-Timmy!" [more laughter]
Timmy: [angrily] Aaaaaaah! [Stan notices. Quickly, Timmy takes a cake half and throws it right at Jimmy, and it hits. Jimmy leans to his left, and stabilizes himself]
Jimmy: Wow, looks like when it comes to comedy, I really t-take the c-keh-c. I really take the cay. I really take the k-keh cake. [cheers and claps abound]
Man: Jim-my! Jim-my! Jim-my! Jim-my
Timmy: [wailing] Tiiimm-mmah!!!!!
Scene Description: State Mountain Scouts of America headquarters, day, outside shot. Inside, three men sit behind a table - a tribunal.
Head Scoutmaster: Well, this is it. We've simply gotten too many complaints from concerned parents about him. I'm afraid we don't have a choice.
Big Gay Al: [enters the room] Hi ya fellas! [waves his left arm quickly]
Head Scoutmaster: How are you today, Scout?
Big Gay Al: I'm super, thanks for asking. The troops are off having bake sales, and I'm pleased to report that we have already raised over $600 for the event. Yippie!
Head Scoutmaster: Uh, Big Gay Al, it's recently come to our attention that you are... gay.
Big Gay Al: Well, stop the presses. Did you figure that out all by yourselves, silly buns?
Scoutmaster 1: Yes, well, unfortunately for you, the Scouts have a policy that openly gay men cannot belong.
Head Scoutmaster: We are left with no options, Mr. Al. I'm afraid you are hereby... out of Scouts.
Big Gay Al: [Softly. Somber music plays.] Out of... Scouts?
Head Scoutmaster: We're sorry, Mr. Gay Al.
Big Gay Al: But I've been in Scouts since I was nine - it's a... huge part of my life.
Scoutmaster 2: Uh, you must understand that Scouts is a private club. A club that follows certain beliefs, and one of those beliefs is that homosexuality is immoral.
Big Gay Al: I see...
Head Scoutmaster: It's nothing against you personally
Big Gay Al: What if I promise not to be gay anymore? [holds up a pinky] Pinky swear.
Scoutmaster 2: We think it's best you just... move on.
Big Gay Al: [rejected] Right. Move on. [turns around, sighs, and walks out]
Scene Description: South Park streets, day. Timmy sits on the sidewalk as Jimmy ambles towards him.
Jimmy: Oh, hey Timmy. I'm glad you called, very much. I've been detecting some a-animosity towards me lately, and I was hoping we could bury the hatchet.
Timmy: [holding a gift] Timmih.
Jimmy: What's that?
Timmy: Hur livin' a lah, Timmih. [presents the gift]
Jimmy: A present? You got me a p-present?
Timmy: Timmih!
Jimmy: ...[takes the gift] Gee, you didn't have to do that. I mean, I understand why you've been jealous of my talent. [opens the present] If you work at it, maybe you could be as... handi-capable as I am, huh? [pulls out the contents] Wow, a parka. [an orange one] You-you didn't have to do that, Tim-Tim.
Timmy: [all smiles] Tim-Timmy.
Jimmy: Oh, sure. I'll see if it fits. [Timmy grins with anticipation as Jimmy dons the parka. Next shot is of Jimmy looking suspiciously like Kenny] This is very warm. Thanks a lot, Tim-Tim. Well, I'll see you around. [turns around to walk away]
Timmy: Timmih! [grins]
Scene Description: As Jimmy walks, suspense music comes up. Jimmy reaches the corner, and a safe falls from above and cracks the sidewalk behind him. He crosses the street, and a truck plows into an oncoming car and jackknifes, sending the car backwards through the air. Jimmy is untouched. An eagle tries to swoop him up, but misses. Jimbo and Ned appear atop a building across the street
Jimbo: There he is! Kill him! Kill him! [Ned fires three times] Oh, wait, that's not him. [the two men withdraw, and Jimmy keeps walking]
Scene Description: Some glass blows out from a window next to Jimmy, followed by a blast of fire, and Jimmy walks. He crosses the second street and a herd of cattle stampede past him. He continues down the road, and a space shuttle crashes into the sidewalk, nose first.
Jimmy: [calling back] Thanks again, Tim-Tim.
Timmy: [thwarted] Tim-Timmay!
Scene Description: Big Gay Al's house, night. Quite colorful front lawn, with fountain, flowers, a flower strip down the middle of the driveway. Soft music plays. Inside, Al sits on his bed looking over framed photos of his Scouting career. Scout Troop 417 - 1988, Camp White Swallow - 1974, his Scout medals, a picture of a black man dressed as Superman. Al sighs and looks over at his Scout uniform. He walks over and takes it down, then walk to his dresser and puts the uniform away in one of its drawers
Big Gay Al: Ah, bye, Scouts. [closes the drawer. The camera pans to show a man playing a piano] Okay, okay, Marc, stop playing now.
Marc: Hey, don't yell at me! Ya asked me to come over and play sad songs for you to pack to, and then ya yell at me.
Big Gay Al: [approaching] I'm sorry. Sorry. But now I've packed everything away, so just... well, play something uplifting, like... "I'm gonna put all this behind me and make it okay" music.
Marc: [starts playing sprightly music] Ooooh, I don't want her. You can have her. She's too fat for me.
Big Gay Al: Oh! [buries his face in his left hand] Jesus, Marc.
Scene Description: Park County Community Center, night. A group of men stand outside. The head Scoutmaster exits the building with a big, beefy, decorated Scout leader
Head Scoutmaster: Parents, this is the new Scout leader, Mr. Grazier. He will be taking over for the homosexual.
Randy: Nice to meet you.
Mr. Grazier: Marsh, right? We actually kind of know each other. Your wife and mine are friends.
Stuart: Your wife, huh?
Head Scoutmaster: Carol is the head of a girls' Mountain Scouts troop.
Randy: [nudges Stuart, who then smiles] Well, I guess we're off to the bar until nine, then.
Mr. Grazier: Gonna go pound some brews, huh?
Scene Description: Inside, Jimmy entertains the troops with more of his comedy skit as the men talk outside
Jimmy: And so I said to him, "Hey, I- I may be handicapped, bu-but I'm not... deaf." [the other scouts laugh] Wow, what a terrific audience. Well, for my next joke I'm gonna need a vo-volunteer from the audience, very much. How about you, Timmy?
Timmy: [resisting] Timmay.
Jimmy: Sure, come on up here, Tim-Tim. [the boys laugh, and Jimmy approaches] Timmy, ladies and gentlemen. Let's give him a hand, very much. Come to think of it, give him a pair of legs, too. [laughter. Timmy gets angry when Jimmy offers him a Dr. Seuss-like hat.] Here, Timmy, put on this silly hat. [Timmy throws the hat down. Jimmy picks it back up and offers it again.] Just for a second, Timmy. [Timmy throws the hat back at him, and he picks it up again] Don't be a jerk, Timmy. [approaches with the hat, but Timmy smacks him away] Hey, don't push me!
Timmy: Timmih! [turns his chair to face Jimmy directly]
Cartman: Cripple fight! [the other boys cheer, but Mr. Grazier bursts through the doors]
Mr. Grazier: That is enough, Scouts! Take your seats! [the boys turn left and go to their seats]
Cartman: Awww!
Mr. Grazier: Alright, Scouts, I am your new Scout Master, Mr. Grazier! [paces back and forth between tables] Together we are going to become the best! The sleekest! The most polished Scout troop in all of Colorado! Isn't that right! [there's no answer] When I ask you a question you will answer "Yes, Scoutmaster!" Do I make myself clear?!
Scouts: Yes, Scoutmaster!
Mr. Grazier: Good! Now, the first activity for this evening will be... [hushed] naked pictures [brings forth a camera] I'm going to take some pictures of each of you naked, in case we need them, for later.
Scouts: Awww.
Mr. Grazier: Aw, what is this?! If there's one thing I hate, it's a whining platoon! "We don't wanna do pushups! We don't wanna get up early! We don't wanna have you take naked pictures of us!"
Cartman: [to Kenny] Man, this guy sucks.
Mr. Grazier: Now, fall in and strip down, Scouts!
Scene Description: Community Center gym, later. The pictures have been taken and the Scouts are dressed and at table.
Mr. Grazier: Alright, Scouts, we're gonna end this meeting with a little puppet show. [pulls out a smiling Scout hand puppet] Here's a little Scout. He's always prepared. He's always ready. Now, here's a little Scout telling his parents that Mr. Grazier took naked pictures of him. Look what happens. [pulls out a hammer with his left hand and whacks away at the puppet on his right hand. The Scouts are frightened] Oh! No! Aw! Aw! Aw! [his right hand is bleeding, leaving a small pool of blood under the puppet] Do I make myself clear, Scouts?!
Scouts: Yes, Scoutmaster! [the parents enter to pick up their boys]
Mr. Grazier: [now hiding his right hand] Oh, hello parents. Alright, that's all the time we have for tonight, Scouts. We sure had a great time, didn't we?
Scouts: Yes sir Scoutmaster! [the troops break and go to their parents. Mr. Grazier walks over to Randy and Stuart, with his right hand behnd his back]
Randy: Wow, you sure whipped those kids into shape.
Stuart: Yeah. Now they're acting like men.
Mr. Grazier: Well, you know what I say about kids: They're all pink on the inside.
Randy: You bet.
Stuart: I heard that.
Randy: See ya, Mr. Grazier. [Randy and Stuart walk out. Mr. Grazier waits till they're gone and then pulls out the pictures he'd just taken and reviews them]
Scene Description: Big Gay Al's house, night, living room. Al is on the couch unkempt, covered in a blanket, watching TV, and devouring ice cream. The door bell rings
Big Gay Al: Go away! I'm dead! [the door closes, and soon the South Park troop comes into view and stands in front of him]
Butters: Oh, well, here he is.
Stan: Big Gay Al, what are you doing?!
Cartman: Yeah! Get your big gay ass off the couch and come be our scoutmaster again!
Big Gay Al: I can't, kids. I've been... kicked out of Scouts.
Stan: Kicked out? Oh no!
Cartman: But you have to come back. We hate our new scout leader.
Big Gay Al: Really? wull-why?
Butters: [pause. Stan and Cartman look to him] We can't tell you.
Big Gay Al: Why not?
Butters: [approaches the kidney-shaped table and demonstrates] Oh, no. No. Oh, no. No! Oh no no! [Al is shocked at the implication]
Stan: Please, Big Gay Al. We don't wanna go on a camp trip with this guy next week.
Big Gay Al: Boys, there's nothing I can do. The Scouts don't allow homosexuals.
Jimmy: Well then that settles it! Fellas, what we're gonna hafta do is try to ch... change the Scouts' rules, very much.
Scene Description: South Park streets, day. The six boys are picketing on the sidewalk. Cartman carries a picket: "Scouting is for everyone!" Butters and Kenny carry a fold-up table between them
Stan: What do we want?
Boys: Gays in Scouts!
Stan: When do we want it?
Timmy: Timmih!
Stan: What do we want?
Boys: Gays in Scouts!
Stan: When do we want it?
Timmy: Timmih!
Stan: What do we want?
Randy: [slowly, as the boys and Stan continue] Oh, no.
Boys: Gays in Scouts!
Stan: When do we want it?
Timmy: Timmih!
Scene Description: South Park streets, day, further down the street. The six boys continue picketing.
Stan: What do we want?
Boys: Gays in Scouts!
Stan: When do we want it?
Timmy: Timmih! [the boys approach Henry's Supermarket]
Stan: Alright, this looks like the perfect place to get some signatures. [a little girl stands at the market's entrance]
Little Girl: Puppies. Puppies for sale.
Cartman: [moves over to her] Beat it, toots! We've got discrimination work to do! [takes her box and looks inside, then tosses it away. She goes after the box]
Stan: Alright, let's set up. [the table's legs come down and Cartman's picket is hung in front of the table. A mic and sound system are set up next to the table. A customer exits the market, and Stan whips out a petition board] Ah hi, we're here to collect signature in support to force the Scouts to accept gays? [the customer gets away, but another one comes] Uh, hello, gays in Scouts? [the customers ignore him] Goddamnit! [All the while Timmy looks down angrily at Jimmy]
Butters: Hey! Why don't we have Jimmy do some stand-up comedy? Like at our bake sale, very much?
Stan: That's a great idea! [takes the mic] Attention, ladies and gentlemen! Now, for your entertainment, stand-up comic, Jimmy!
Jimmy: [takes the mic] Wow, what a great audience. For my first joke, I'm going to need a... volunteer. Come on up here, Tim-Tim. [Jimmy gets the big hat and turns to give it to Timmy, only to see him wheel away. Jimmy follows, and they end up in a parking lot away from the market] Timmy, when I tell you to do something, you do it!
Timmy: Timmih!
Jimmy: Timmy, don't make me k... kick you ass!
Timmy: Timmay!
Jimmy: Put on the hat!
Timmy: [smacks the hat down] Timmay!
Jimmy: Pu-put it on!!
Stan: Dude, this looks like it could get ugly. [he and Cartman leave the table and go towards Jimmy and Timmy. Timmy and Jimmy face off and start circling each other]
Timmy: [makes a fist] Timmih. Timmih.
Jimmy: Not this year.
Timmy: Timmih, Timmih.
Cartman: Cripple fight!
Timmy: Haaa.
Jimmy: Come on. Come on!
Timmy: Timmih.
Scene Description: South Park Church. A service is on, and organ music plays
Cartman: Cripple fight! [after a moment, the congregants get up and leave]
Scene Description: Henry's Supermarket, inside. Shoppers mill about, getting their items
Cartman: [on speakers] Attention, shoppers. Outside, we have... cripple fight. Cripple fight outside! [the shoppers abandon their carts and exit]
Scene Description: Parking lot. Timmy delivers the fist blow, to Jimmy's head, but Jimmy delivers four blows back with his crutches. The third one turns Timmy's head to the left. The fourth one turns Timmy's head to the right and forces the wheelchair backwards. Jimmy recovers and the rivals approach each other anew
Jimmy: Come on!
Scene Description: Jimmy jumps up and delivers a blow to Timmy's face, but Timmy responds with four quick blows - a right hook, two left jabs, and another right hook - sending Jimmy to the ground face first.
Jimmy: [struggling to get up] Uh.
Stan: Jesus Christ, dude! [a crowd begins to gather]
Susan: Oh my God!
Man 5: Just let 'em have it out, Susan. They'll run out of steam soon. [Jimmy gets up quickly and faces Timmy again]
Timmy: Hahnah Timmih.
Jimmy: [swipes at him, but Timmy blocks] Huah!
Timmy: Hahnah Timmih.
Jimmy: [swipes at Timmy again, but Timmy blocks] Come on!
Timmy: Timmih!
Jimmy: No! [swipes at him again, but Timmy blocks and quickly delivers a blow to the face, drawing fist blood] Ow!
Scene Description: Jimmy recoups and delivers a back-handed blow to Timmy with his right crutch, then measures Timmy and swings the crutch back and launches Timmy out of his chair. Timmy quickly scrambles back to his chair, but Jimmy whacks him away again. Camera movements get more dynamic. Timmy rolls over and Jimmy walks up to him and offers his left hand
Jimmy: Timmy? Timmy? [Timmy takes his hand and slowly rises to his feet. Jimmy helps him into the chair]I told you to put on the HAT!! [swings his right crutch and blows Timmy out of the chair again. Jimmy walks up to Timmy and pulls him up by the hair, and swings the right crutch at him, but Timmy blocks it and holds both crutches down] You dirty motherfucker! [hits Timmy with the crutches, and Timmy responds with a headbutt, knocking Jimmy down. Timmy goes down himself]
Man 5: [just arriving] What's goin' on?
Man 6: [turns to answer] Some kind of gay pride rally.
Scene Description: Timmy gets a hold of Jimmy and delivers a right cross. Jimmy responds by striking Timmy with both crutches, then grounding his crutches and swinging his legs up to strike Timmy agian. Next, Jimmy tries to pull Timmy off the wheelchair head first, then tries to get a reverse headlock on Timmy. Timmy breaks out of it and delivers a blow. They each try a headlock on the other, but the effort forces the wheelchair backwards, and they both fall out.
Timmy: Lah-livin' a lie!
Scene Description: Jimmy chokes Timmy for a bit, then rises to jump on him. Timmy tries to force Jimmy off by pushing Jimmy's face back, but Jimmy bites Timmy's fingers. Timmy cries in pain, then flips Jimmy off overhead. Jimmy scrambles up on his crutches as Timmy tends to his bitten hand, and strikes Timmy again, and again. Jimmy then swings his legs into Timmy and flies off - a flying kick. Timmy rises and jumps on Jimmy, grabbing his head and ramming it into the ground twice, then performing an eye gouge. Jimmy works around it and throws Timmy off, then jumps on him, driving a knee into Timmy's crotch five times, shot from various angles. Jimmy struggles to get up, and Timmy trips him.
Scene Description: Channel 4 News report
Reporter: Tom, I'm standing out in front of Henry's Supermarket where five brave little boys are holding a rally to support gays in scouting. The rally is drawing so much attention that people from all over the country are taking media notice.
Farmer: Those boys have shown me the light. I never knew the Mountain Scouts was a hate group.
Joe: [host of Joe n' Friends] This is a wake up call to America. We cannot turn our backs on gays anymore!
Scene Description: South Park Bar. People are looking at the report
Randy: Oh, God, they're actually pulling it off.
Reporter: [voice only] The rally has also caught the attention of old Scouts members, like Steven Spielberg, director of such films as Always and 1941.
Scene Description: Cut to Channel 4 News report
Steven Spielberg: [at his desk] I salute those boys and their courage. I am hereby cutting all my funding to the Scouts!
Reporter: The rally has also caught the attention of high-powered lawyer, Gloria Allred.
Gloria Allred: [at her desk] It is a disgrace that these homophobes are allowed to discriminate. [rises from her chair and pounds the desk] I am taking this case on, personally!
Reporter: With this kind of support, Tom, these boys are sure to have a victory for gays. Back to you.
Tom: Thanks, Chris. In other news, the FBI has finally caught the child molester known as Mr. Slippyfist. [pictured is Mr. Grazier being arrested, then his mug shot] This sick child molester was found with disturbing graphic photos of young boys naked, which we will show you now.
Scene Description: Cut to South Park Bar for reactions. The men are stunned
Tom: [voice only] Here's one. And here's another.
Stuart: Kenny?
Randy: Oh my God.
Tom: Here, look at this one. Sick sonofabitch! Here's one right here.
Scene Description: Jimmy and Timmy have taken to throwing each other all over the place. Jimmy and Timmy land on a car and tumble down to the ground beside it. The camera follows the action closely. Jimmy picks Timmy up and throws him back on the car, then swings his right crutch at Timmy, striking him, and strikes him again on the return swing. Timmy punches Jimmy with his left fist, sending Jimmy spinning around. Jimmy swings at Timmy again, but Timmy ducks and catches Jimmy in a sleeper hold, holding on for a few seconds. Jimmy escapes, then picks Timmy up high and brings him down upon the left knee for a back-breaker. Timmy rises and responds with a neck-breaker, knocking Jimmy out. Both boys lay there, motionless.
Man 6: Alright, boys, break it up.
Scene Description: Colorado Supreme Court, day, exterior shot. Inside, the justices enter and take their seats
Bailiff: All rise.
Chief Justice: In the case of Big Gay Al versus Mountain Scouts of America: due to the overwhelming show of support, it is the ruling of this court that the Scouts must allow Big Gay Al and all gays into their club!
Crowd: Alright! Yeah! Woohoo! [more cheering]
Randy: Well, we've all learned an important lesson. That just because somebody's gay doesn't mean they're gonna molest children. Straight people do that too.
Crowd: Yeah! [more cheering. Timmy and Jimmy, bruised and battered, sit next to each other]
Chief Justice: And furthermore, the Scout elders will be put into stocks for three days, so they can see how it feels to be outcast!
Crowd: Hooray, yeah, yeah! [more cheering]
Stan: We did it! We did it!
Gloria Allred: I did it! I did it! Haha! [the press gathers in around her.]
Scene Description: Colorado Supreme Court, day, outside. Gloria Allred is holding a press conference at the top of the steps at the courthouse
Gloria Allred: Today is a great day for democracy. The Scouts have been exposed for the vile gay bashers they are. [each of the three Scout elders is in a stock, and underneath each one is written "HOMOPHOBE" The crowd throws stones at them.] And we all it all to me, and these six brave little boys [the big bird comes down and plucks Kenny right up. The other kids, Al, and Gloria move aside and return, the kids stunned] five... brave little boys. And now, here to take his official oath back in Scouts is Big Gay Al. [moves aside]
Big Gay Al: [as the crowd cheers] Thank you all very much. But I don't want this. [the crowd quiets down and gets confused]
Crowd members: What's he saying?
Stan: Huh?
Big Gay Al: Look, I appreciate what you kids did; I really do. But this isn't what I wanted. I'm proud to be gay. And I'm proud to be in a country where I'm free to express myself. But freedom is a two-way street. If I'm free to express myself, then the Scouts have to be free to express themselves, too. I know these men. They are good men. They are kind men. They do what they think is best for kids. No matter how wrong we think they might be, it isn't right for us to force them to think our way. It's up to us to persuade, and help them see the light, not extort them to. Please, don't cut the Scouts' funding. The Scouts help and have always helped a lot of kids. That's why I love them. I will continue to persuade them to change their mind, but this is the wrong way to do it. So, I am hereby dropping my case, and allowing the Scouts their right to not allow gays into their private club.
Man: Uh, Hooray!
Another Man: Hooray, hey!
Stan: So wait, did we do good?
Butters: Uh yeah, ah I think so.
Cartman: Eh, we kick ass.
Big Gay Al: [approaching the boys] Come on kids, let's go get some ice cream! [moves along]
Gloria Allred: [at the mic] You can't do this! You homophobe!
Jimmy: Well, Timmy, I guess we learned an important lesson, too, very much. There is room for more than one handi-capable person in Scouts.
Timmy: Timmih.
Jimmy: I'm glad we're best friends now. See ya at Scouts. [walks off]
Timmy: Tim-mih.
Scene Description: Timmy's house, exterior shot. Inside, Timmy is working on his computer in his room. He's working the keyboard and the mouse like an experienced user. He sings to the tune of "Old MacDonald Had a Farm":
Timmy: Timmih Timmih Timmih Timmih... [on screen is a picture of Timmy and Jimmy, in a Photo Wiz program. Timmy traces a cutout around Jimmy's head] Timmih Timmih Timmih. Timmih Timmih Timmih Timmih... [he clips the head off and moves it to the right, and grins] Timmih Timmih Timmih Timmih Timmih. Ahh!
Stan: [opens Timmy's bedroom door and enters. Timmy stops work to listen] Timmy, come on! We're gonna be late for Scouts! [walks out]
Scene Description: Park County Community Center, day. Inside the boys are seated around the table, and a new Scoutmaster, the head Scoutmaster, is present
Head Scoutmaster: Alright, boys, I am your new Scout leader. Everything is going to be just fine. No naked pictures.
Timmy: [rolls up to the scoutmaster] Uh, Timmih.
Head Scoutmaster: Yes, Timmy? [Timmy hands him an envelope, which he opens. He takes out a picture] Oh dear. Jimmy?
Jimmy: Yes?
Head Scoutmaster: You know our policy: I'm afraid you're... out of Scouts.
Jimmy: Out of Scouts? [the scoutmaster shows a picture of two naked men holding each other close from the waist down and looking at the camera. The paler man has Jimmy's head pasted over his]
Timmy: [with eyes half-closed, waves at Jimmy and grins] Tim-mih.
Jimmy: What? [the two other Scoutmasters come up behind Jimmy, pull him out of his chair, and carry him towards the entrance] Hey wait a minute! This is crazy! You can't do this!
Stan: Wow, I never knew Jimmy was gay.
Butters: Me neither. [the two Scoutmasters prepare to toss him out the doors]
Jimmy: No! No! [the Scoutmasters toss him a good distance]
Timmy: [triumphantly] Timmay!


Scene Description: South Park, day. People mill around, but a group of them has gathered around a magician, tall and slender, with a severe face
Magician: Okay, Carol, put the card you picked back into the deck so I can't see ittwah. [Butters and Kenny are watching as Stan and Kyle rush up]
Stan: What's going on? [he and Kyle have ice cream cones. He has vanilla, Kyle strawberry]
Butters: Uh this feller David Blaine. He's doin' magic tricks. Hey, where'd you get that ice cream?
Blaine: Okay, now hold this card up to the crowd. [Carol takes the card and shows it to the crowd. It is an ace of clubs] Was that the card you picked?
Carol: No, I'm sorry. I picked the four of hearts.
Blaine: Four of hearts? Really? Look again.
Carol: [looks and find the four of hearts in her hand] Daa-ah!
Crowd: Oooohhhh! [applause]
Woman: Whoa
Kyle: That's pretty cool, dude!
Cartman: [walking up] Who's this asshole?
Kyle: He's a magician named David Blaine, dude. He kicks ass.
Cartman: Hey, where'd you guys get that ice cream?
Blaine: Sir, c- could you come over here? [Jimbo walks over] Now, what I want you to do, Mr...
Jimbo: Kern.
Blaine: Mr. Kern, I want you to just... think about a card. Pick any card, and picture it in your mind.
Jimbo: [shuts his eyes and keeps them shut] O-kay.
Blaine: Okay, jus... s think about your card. [a few seconds pass] okay, look at me. [Jimbo looks at him] Look at me... Look at me... okay, now reach up your ass.
Jimbo: Huh??
Blaine: Go on, reach up your ass.
Jimbo: [reaches into his ass and digs around] Uh, I don't feel nothin'.
Blaine: Deeper.
Jimbo: [groans as he goes deeper] Hhud. I don't feel... hello... wait... wait... [pulls out a card and cleans the crap off it]
Blaine: Was that the card you picked?
Jimbo: [in disbelief] Yes! Oh my God!
Man: O-hoho! [more crowd reaction]
Kyle: Wow, that's cool!
Stan: How'd he do that??
Blaine: Thank you. I've been traveling from town to town for quite a while. I've started quite a following, mostly because of my levitation tricktwah. Watch. [goes into a meditative state] Watch. [slowly, he rises into the air]
Crowd: Whoa!!!
Stan: No way!
Kyle: Damn. That guy is the coolest guy in the universe!
Blaintologist: [passing out pamphlets through the crowd] Pamphlet. Pamphlet. Here you go, kids, take a pamphlet. [Kyle takes one and reads from it]
Kyle: "David Blaine Workshop. Learn all about David Blaine at the Center for Magic." Dude, we gotta go.
Cartman: Yeah, and they probably teach you how to do magic tricks!
Scene Description: The David Blaine Complex, in the middle of nowhere, day.
Speaker: Hello, everyone. My name is Steven and I've been a Blaintologist for about three years. So, when David Blaine performed his miracles out on the street, what moved you the most?
Stan: His a-miracles?
Steven: Oh yes, you see, David Blaine is much more than a magician. He's a scholar, a visionary, a leader.
Cartman: When are we gonna learn magic tricks?
Stan: Yeah!
Steven: Oh, I've got a trick for you to learn: I can show you how to make your true self appear. Let me ask you all something: Do you consider yourselves to be happy?
Butters: I don't think I'm very happy. I always fall asleep to the sounds of my own screams.
Steven: ...Right, yeh. Eh, see, the reason that you are unha-
Butters: And then I always get woken up in the morning by the sounds of my own screams. Do you think I'm unhappy?
Steven: Wait, the.. the point is... that you can be happy. You see, your friends and parents have programmed you in a way that makes you feel isolated and alone. How many times have you felt like nobody knows the real... you? [focus on a stunned Kyle] You're not really happy.
Kyle: [thinking] I'm not really happy.
Steven: Your potential hasn't even been reached.
Kyle: [thinking] My potential hasn't even been reached.
Steven: [holds up the book] If you look through David Blaine's incredible book, you'll find a lot of life's answers. Let's read some of the book together, shall we?
Cartman: Then we get to be in David Blaine's secret club?
Steven: That's right.
Cartman: Cool.
Scene Description: Kyle's house, day. In the dining room, Sheila is trying to feed Ike, who is in a baby chair.
Sheila: Ike, eat your gefilte fish. [Ike pulls away as far as he can]
Ike: No-oo.
Kyle: [rushes in with Blaine's book] Mom. Mom. I found out all about this great new magician named David Blaine.
Sheila: That's nice, Kyle. Ike, eat!
Kyle: We spent all afternoon learning about how we aren't actually happy. I had no idea how unhappy I was until today. They gave me this cool book to read, and I'm already on chapter four...
Sheila: Well, it's nice to see you so interested in something, Kyle. Ike, for the love of Abraham, you are gonna eat this.
Kyle: So can I go to the Magic Camp, to learn how to become a full member? All the other guys are doin' it, and it's only $69.95.
Sheila: Magic Camp? I don't know, bubbe, ask your father. [Kyle turns and walks out] Ike, you will eat this!
Scene Description: The David Blaine Complex, in the middle of nowhere, day. The new recruits are having their hair shaved off their heads
Barber: Prepare to be cleansed and release the magic inside you.
Butters: [Solemnly] I am prepared. [the barber takes the clippers and clips Butters' hair off in one swoop. The hair ends up on the floor in one piece] Hoh, jeez, eh it sure got cold in here.
Barber: Next? [Mr. Garrison appears...]
Scene Description: The David Blaine Complex, main room
Steven: Congratulations, young Blaintologists. From this day, you are clean. [a shot of the new recruits. They all look the same] Now, we have very important work to do! David Blaine is going to put on a big magic show in Denver tomorrow night, where he's going to eat his own head.
Recruits: Wow!
Steven: So it's up to all you new Blaintologists to get as many people there as you can. Whoever gets the most people to come gets a prize! [eight boys gravitate towards each other]
Stan: [talking to a boy between him and Cartman] Kyle, I'm starting to think that this is a really bad idea.
Butters: Ha-I'm not Kyle, I'm Butters. I thought you were Kyle.
Stan: No, I'm Stan.
Kyle: [behind Butters] You're Stan? Where's Kenny?
Stan: Who are you?
Kyle: I'm Kyle.
Cartman: [thinking he's indistinguishable] Heheh, guess who I am, you guys?
Stan: Kyle, I think we may have gotten into something bad here.
Kyle: [steps back to join Stan] What do you mean? We're learning all kinds of cool stuff.
Stan: Look at us, dude. These people are trying to change us somehow. I think it's time we went home.
Kyle: But David Blaine is gonna do more miracles in Denver tomorrow.
Stan: I don't care! I'm leaving! [walks towards the door, but a man blocks the way] 'Scuse me. [eerie music begins]
Aide: Where are you going?
Stan: I'm going home.
Aide: You don't want to go home.
Stan: You said we're free to leave whenever we want
Aide: You are.
Stan: Move out of the way.
Aide: I'm not in the way. You are. Are you unhappy with the Church's teachings? Let's just talk about it
Stan: I don't wanna talk about it, I jus' wanna leave.
Aide: Why don't we go into the back room for a second, and talk? Then you can leave.
Stan: [begins to back away, intimidated] That's okay, I... I changed my mind. I'm... gonna stay.
Aide: That's great news. [escorts Stan back to the group]
Scene Description: The David Blaine Complex, dorm, night. Stan peers out from a door into a hall.
Stan: Okay, it's all clear. [exits with Kyle]
Kyle: What are we doing?
Stan: We're getting out of here. This whole thing has gotten way out of hand.
Kyle: Whoa whoa, I'm not going anywhere.
Stan: Come on, Kyle, this is stupid!
Kyle: It's not stupid, Stan. For once in my life I feel like I'm part of something.
Stan: A part of what?! Some gaywad magician's crazy life plan?!
Kyle: Don't call Mr. Blaine a gaywad! He's a brilliant man.
Stan: No, they've just convinced you that he's a brilliant man! Let's go!
Kyle: I'm not going anywhere!
Stan: Goddamnit, I'm not going with you! I wanna stay here!
Kyle: Huh? I thought you wanted to leave.
Stan: Oh wait, who am I again?
Kyle: You're Stan.
Stan: Oh- oh yeah. God- Goddamnnit, hold on a second. [pulls out his hat and puts it on] Okay. Now look, dude, I'm getting out of here, and you're a dumbass if you don't come with me!
Kyle: Then I guess... I'm a dumbass. [turns and walks back to his room. Stan turns back to face the hall and watched Kyle walk away]
Stan: Kyle, please. You- [looks down and to the left, then looks up] You're my best friend.
Kyle: Well, this is what I believe in now, Stan. And if you can't respect that,... then I guess we're not best friends anymore. [opens the door to his room and walks in. Stan looks, then turns towards the exit and walks out]
Scene Description: South Park, next day. Cartman and Kyle walk down a sidewalk visiting houses. They approach a pink house.
Kyle: Hello, ma'am. My name is Kyle. And this is Cartman. We'd like to share our interest in David Blaine with you.
Elderly Woman: Uh oh. My husband warned me about you Blainiacs. I'm sorry, but I'm a Catholic.
Cartman: Uh it... doesn't matter, ma'am. Blaintology is for everyone. There are Blaintologists who are Catholics, Buddhists - why even Kyle here is a Goddamn Jew.
Kyle: That's right.
Elderly Woman: So you're not a cult?
Cartman: [giggles] Of course, no. David Blaine is a real person. You may have seen his television specials on ABC. He also wrote a book, and we'd like to share it with you.
Elderly Woman: Well, alright, come on in.
Cartman: Cool. [the woman shows the boys in]
Scene Description: Elderly woman's house, living room, moments later. The woman and the two boys sit on the sofa. Kyle has his book open.
Kyle: ...And if you look here, you can see how David Blaine performed the miracle of being frozen in ice at Times Square.
Cartman: Ma'am, have you ever wondered what David Blaine's plan is for you?
Elderly Woman: No, not really.
Cartman: Oh, you see, that, that's interesting because... I'm so thankful for David Blaine's book, and, I'm so thankful that he showed me the way to true happiness but, I think about his plan often.
Kyle: David Blaine is doing a big performance in Denver tomorrow night. [closes his book] We're sure his magic will entertain and astound you!
Cartman: He's going to eat his own head.
Kyle: How many tickets can we put you down for?
Elderly Woman: Oh, I can't go.
Cartman: Oh, come on, it'll make you a happy person.
Elderly Woman: I am happy.
Cartman: No you're not.
Elderly Woman: Yes I am.
Cartman: No you're not.
Elderly Woman: I really am.
Cartman: No you're not.
Elderly Woman: But I am.
Cartman: No you're not.
Elderly Woman: Alright, two tickets
Kyle: Great!
Scene Description: Sidewalk. Kyle and Cartman exit the elderly woman's house
Kyle: That's 15 people we got to agree to come see David Blaine perform in Denver.
Cartman: Yes, Brother Kyle hmm, but our work is not over. We must still recruit ten more audience members in order to get the prize.
Kyle: I think if we try Kenny's neighborhood, we might find a- [they reach the corner. Facing them on the opposite corner is Stan, standing by his bike]
Cartman: Come, Brother Kyle, we have no time for him. [turns right and walks down the street. Kyle looks back at Stan for a few seconds, then follows Cartman. Stan turns and walks down the street in the same direction Kyle and Cartman were walking, but stops when a car appears in front of him. He sees some adult Blaintologists inside. The driver starts the car and moves towards Stan, who turns about face and begins to run with his bike. The car looms behind him and he lets go of his bike.]
Stan: HaaAAAA! [the car totals the bike, bumps Stan onto the sidewalk, and peels away.]
Driver: You'd better watch yourself next time, abandoner! [Stan looks at the car, scared.]
Scene Description: Jesus' house, next day. Stan walks up and rings the doorbell
Stan: Hi, Jesus. It's me.
Stan, Jesus: Stan Marsh.
Jesus: Of course. I know you, my child. Come in.
Scene Description: Jesus' house, living room. A pitcher of water sits on the coffee table
Stan: This guy is going around doing magic tricks and saying they're miracles! My friend Kyle thinks he's totally awesome!
Jesus: You're good to bring this to my attention, Stan. Cults are a very dangerous thing.
Stan: I read in the Bible that you did miracles, too. If you could go in front of these people and do your miracles, then, they'll all see that David Blaine isn't so special.
Jesus: The miracle I'm most famous for is turning water into wine.
Stan: Can you do it again?
Jesus: Very well. I shall perform the miracle. Behold. Here you can see ordinary water, clear, clean. Okay now, turn around. [Stan looks at Jesus quizzically. Jesus is now holding the pitcher] Er, nuh, tur- turn around. [Stan turns away and Jesus quickly switches pitchers] Uh, okay now, turn back. [Stan turns back] It is now wine!
Stan: That's it? That's how you did that trick?
Jesus: Wuh well, yeah.
Stan: That trick sucks, Jesus.
Jesus: Oh. Well, I guess it worked a little better on people 2000 years ago.
Stan: Dude, we have to do something. This guy is performing more miracles in Denver tonight. He's gonna get more followers, and it'll be impossible for me to get Kyle out.
Jesus: Then let's go.
Stan: But dude, I'd I don't think you should do that lame water-to-wine trick.
Jesus: Oh,don't worry [rises and joins Stan out the door] I have a few more miracles up my sleeve.
Scene Description: Denver, night. An arena is shown, and the place is packed. Kyle and Cartman are seated in the third row, with around Blaintologists around them
Kyle: This is a really good turnout.
Announcer: And now, ladies and gentlemen, David Blaine. [pyrotechnics go off all around, three spotlights shine on Blaine, and the crowd cheers]
Blaine: Hello, my children.
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, may we have silence, please, as magician David Blaine will now eat... his... own... head. [Blaine looks around, and a drumroll begins. Blaine then proceeds to eat his own head, then falls over. A few moments later the crowd roars with approval]
Kyle: Dude, no way! [two female Blaintology assistants rush up and help Blaine stand. One has a little cage, another has a small curtain and rod. The one to his right places the cage where the head would be, while the one on the left places the curtain in front. A few seconds later, Blaine's head is back on his shoulders. The audience cheers]
Blaine: Thank you, everyone. [the audience quiets down] Our organization grows larger every day. Soon, the government will even have to give us tax-exempt status as a bona fide religion.
Jesus: [walking down the steps towards the stage] Hold!
Man: It's Jesus! [more murmurs]
Cartman: What's he doin' here? [Jesus goes on stage]
Jesus: My children, it is time for you to go home and stop following this false prophet. You should be using your money and time for other things. These are simple magic tricks. His magic is interesting, but will it put food on your table? Feeding the hungry - now that is a miracle! [a cart with loaves and fishes is wheeled in by Stan.] Behold! I have here fives loaves of bread and three fish. Certainly not enough to feed this entire crowd, but now - turn around [the crowd stares back blankly] Ya need tuh- turn around. [Stan slaps his hand to his forehead, but the crowd turns around. Jesus proceeds to pull bread and fish from behind the cart and pour it over the original bread and fish. Soon the cart is hidden under the food] Okay, now turn back. [the crowd turns back and just looks]
Cartman: Now how the hell did he do that? [Blaine simply extends his right arm, lifts the bread and fish mentally from the cart and drops them over by Stan]
Crowd: Wow!
Blaine: Your magic is old and outdated, Jesus! Twah. Just like you are.
Jesus: Oh, really. Then what's this [reaches behind Blaine's ear and pulls out a card] Ace of Spades doing behind your ear?
Crowd: Whoa. [some chatter. Blaine then levitates, goes into a spin and disappears into a deck of cards, which then splits in two. Each half traces a circle and then both halves combine to make a larger circle. This circle then becomes a tornado of cards, and David Blaine emerges from the tornado triumphant.]
Jesus: [overwhelmed] Jesus Christ!
Elderly Woman: [seated with her husband] He's incredible!
Blaine: The old religions have failed you! Twah. What have they offered except for war, poverty, and sadness? Blaintology offers you the key to living your life to the fullest! Will you join us?
Crowd: Yes!!
Scene Description: The arena, outside. Jesus and Stan exit the arena
Jesus: His magic is too powerful, Stanley. I've never seen anything like it.
Stan: Then what are we going to do.
Jesus: I cannot face him alone. We must get the help of all the super best friends. [speaks into his left wrist] Buddha. Buddha, come in!
Stan: Super best friends?
Buddha: [on a little screen on Jesus' unique watch] This is Buddha, Jesus. Go ahead.
Scene Description: A futuristic headquarters, somewhere... Jesus appears on a giant screen as Buddha awaits Jesus' answer
Jesus: Buddha, we may have a problem. I've just encountered a magic I've never seen before.
Buddha: I'll call everyone together. Come as fast as you can.
Jesus: Come, Stanley. We must travel far and long.
Stan: To where?
Jesus: Distances unfathomable to man. Yea, take hold of my robe, Stanley, and do not open your eyes.
Stan: [shuts his eyes] I am ready.
Scene Description: Inside an airplane. Jesus and Stan have center seats, and Stan's eyes are still shut
Jesus: Are you still keeping your eyes closed?
Stan: Yeah.
Jesus: Good. Want some peanuts?
Scene Description: The David Blaine Complex, night. Blaintologists gather in the main room, and a new member is having his hair shaved off
Kyle: Congratulations, sister. You have heard the noble truth and are now a Blaintologist.
Steven: [rushes up to the podium] Everyone! Everyone, gather 'round! I have great news for all Blaintologists, and for our new members as well. We've just gotten word from Mr. Blaine himself: The government has denied our church's request for tax-exempt status!
Member: But... we want tax-exempt status.
Kyle: Yeah. Why is that good news?
Steven: Be-cause! Mr. Blaine has arranged for all Blaintologists members from every city and state to march into Washington and demand our right for tax-exempt status by committing a mass suicide!
Kyle: Mass suicide?
Steven: Mr. Blaine has said that by killing ourselves in Washington, we are guaranteed everlasting happiness in the afterlife!
Member: Hehehe, that sounds good. [other members echo the sentiment]
Steven: Get your things ready. We leave for Washington at dawn!
Cartman: [jubilant] Did you hear that, guys? We're finally gonna die!
Scene Description: A blue sky in a big city. The camera pans down to show Jesus and Stan in a park-like setting
Jesus: Alright, Stanley. You can open your eyes now. [before them is a stone-and-glass building] This is the hall of the super best friends, Stanley, the headquarters for those who stand for what's right.
Mohammad: Jesus, we've been working hard since we got your distress call!
Loa Tse: Who the kid?
Jesus: Stanley, I want you to meet some of the super best friends [they are shown when mentioned]: Buddha, with the powers of invisibility; Mohammad, the Muslim prophet with the powers of flame [he raises his hands palm up and a blast of flame emerges from each hand]; Krishna, the Hindu deity; Joseph Smith, the Mormon prophet; Lao Tse, the found of Taoism [performs some martial arts moves with his cane]; and Seaman, with the ability to breathe underwater and link mentally with fish.
Stan: So you mean to tell me that even though people fight and argue over different religions, you guys are all actually friends?
Mohammad: More than friends, young boy, we are super best friends, with the desire to fight for justice.
Joseph Smith: We all believe in the power of good over evil. Except for Buddha, of course, who doesn't believe in evil. [Buddha shrugs and grins]
Stan: Wow.
Mohammad: Jesus, come look at this. [they walk to the monitor console with Stan following] After your distress call, we entered David Blaine in the super best friends' computer.
Seaman: [operating the console] Many interesting things showed up. He was raised in New York city by a decent family, but a freak washing-machine accident at the age of 12 made him learn the ways of the black arts.
Buddha: That's right, Seamen. [the other super best friends laugh at how Buddha said Seaman's name]
Seaman: [insulted] Sea Man!
Buddha: Uh that's what I said. Seamen. [the others laugh some more]
Seaman: Stop it!
Scene Description: The David Blaine Complex, dorm, night. Kyle walks up to Cartman's bunk.
Kyle: [whispering] Cartman! Cartman, wake up! Cartman!
Cartman: [sits up abruptly, knocking Kyle off the bed] No, Paula Poundstone! Leave me alone! Eyuh! Uh? [now alert, if confused, and Kyle stands up]
Kyle: It's just me.
Cartman: [sighs silently] Brother Kyle? Why do you disturb my rest?
Kyle: Dude. I don't think I wanna be a part of this anymore.
Cartman: What?
Kyle: I think Stan might've been right. Anyway, I think it's going too far. I mean, if I kill myself, it's gonna make my family really sad.
Cartman: Yeah, I know what you mean. I don't wanna die either. [points to his groin] I haven't even gotten my pubes yet.
Kyle: I think we should bail. If we leave the group, maybe other people will get the courage to leave, too.
Cartman: That co- ugh. [drops to a whisper] That could be difficult, Brother Kyle. But alright, listen: Why don't we sleep on it? If we decide to leave the faction, we can... do it in the morning.
Kyle: Okay. Okay, you're right. [goes down the ladder to his own bunk, underneath Cartman's, and Cartman turns over to sleep] Oh uh Cartman: thanks. [goes to sleep. Later, he wakes up inside a large domed platform. Reflections of five adult Blaintologists and Cartman can be seen on the glass dome. He sits up and blinks] Cartman? [He tries to move, but encounters the glass. He taps to make sure] What the hell? [Camera pulls back to reveal...]
Scene Description: The David Blaine Complex, main room. The Blaintologists and Cartman look on.
Cartman: I told on yoo-ou. I told on yoo-ou.
Kyle: What have you done, Cartman?!
Cartman: This is for your own good, Brother Kyle.
Blaine: You must understand, brother Kyle, twah, you know too much about the Church. If you left now, you'd become a danger to our cause.
Cartman: Ah, and you know what else Kyle said? Um Kyyyle, he said that if we were all gonna commit suicide, that he wouldn't do iiit.
Kyle: [knocking on the dome] Cartman, you fatass tattle-tale!
Cartman: At least I'm not the boy in the plastic bubble!
Blaine: The suicide pact will go as planned. If we die, we all die together. [Cartman and the Blaintologists exit and leave Kyle alone, afraid]
Scene Description: the Hall of the Super Best Friends, day.
Narrator: [speaks for the fist time] Meanwhile, at the Hall of Super Best Friends...
Joseph Smith: Look at that, Jesus. His followers are growing at a rate even faster than mine! It appears this David Blaine is as dangerous as you and your young friend had feared.
Stan: I knew it.
Jesus: Here. I have a videotape of his performance the other night.
Joseph Smith: Perhaps we should have Moses look at the tape and see what he comes up with. [Mohammad takes the tape to Moses]
Mohammad: Moses, scan this tape. Can you tell us the source of Blaine's power?
Moses: [just as he appeared in "Jewbilee"] Give me the information. [Mohammad slips the tape into a slot near Moses' tip. Stan smiles]
Stan: Wow, the Moses.
Moses: His magic is a combination of centrifugal line and sleight of hand. Wait a minute: I'm picking up movement from Blaintologists from all over the country.
Lao Tse: The Blaintologists are heading to Washington. But why?
Jesus: Wait a minute. At his performance David Blaine said something about trying to get tax-exempt status.
Joseph Smith: Omigod!
Lao Tse: What?
Joseph Smith: If he gets tax-exempt status, then he'll become a real religion.
Krishna: He would become unstoppable
Scene Description: Washington D.C., day. The Blaintologists have gathered around the Reflecting Pool in front of the Lincoln Memorial
Narrator: Meanwhile, in the nation's capital, Blaintologists from all over the country have gathered to commit mass suicide!
Blaine: [facing the audience, with the Washington Monument in the distance] If the government will not give us tax-exempt status, then we must prove that we are willing to die for our beliefs, twah.
Steven: Alright, brothers and sisters, gather around. [they do so] It's time to drown ourselves in the Reflecting Pool! [he steps down into the pool] However, the-ah Reflecting Pool is a little more shallow than we originally thought, so to drown ourselves, you will need to lie on your stomach, face down, until you die, as such. [drops down into the water and floats on his stomach, expelling air for a few seconds, then groans to death as water fills his lungs. The corpse begins to float away]
Man: Next! [A woman drops in, than a man...]
Scene Description: The White House, day. The White House staff gathers at one of the windows to watch. Shown are Princess, Laura and George W. Bush, Karl Rove, and Maggie
Narrator: Meanwhile, at the White House...
Karl Rove: Mr. President, we can't let them all kill themselves!
George Bush: Well we can't give them tax-exempt status either, Karl!
Larry: [walks in] He-e-ey George! What's gon' on?
Scene Description: Washington D.C., day. Cartman gets ready to flood Kyle, who's still in the glass dome, with a fire hose. More corpses float in the Reflecting Pool
Cartman: Alright, Brother Kyle, it is time for us to die! [pushes the dome into the pool]
Kyle: Cartman! We've been brainwashed, don't you see? We don't have to do this!
Cartman: [brings the hose over] But it's the only way for us to be happy. [plugs the hose into the dome and releases the water]
Kyle: Cartman, no!
Scene Description: The Reflecting Pool, later
Blaine: Give us what we want or we will continue to die
Jesus: Not so fast, David Blaine!
Blaine: Jesus! Not again.
Jesus: Yes! But this time, I've brought some help! Super Best Friends! [they fly down as they are announced]
Buddha: Buddha!
Mohammad: Mohammad!
Joseph Smith: Joseph Smith!
Krishna: Krishna!
Lao Tse: Lao Tse!
Seaman: Sea-Man!
Jesus: The mass suicide is over, Blaine! And so are you!
Blaine: I don't think so. Get them! [Blaintologists go on the attack. Two of them go for Mohammad, who shoots flames at them. They scream.]
Joseph Smith: My ice breath should take care of you. [blasts some air at an oncoming Blaintologist, who freezes in place]
Stan: [emerges from the crowd and looks around the Reflecting Pool] Kyle! Kyle!
Blaintologist: Sweet Salvation! [Stan sees the man drown, then notices a boy in the pool]
Stan: Kyle?? [frantically, he goes into the pool and reaches the boy, turning him over. A few seconds of observation and... gasp] Oh my God, they've killed Kenny!
Kyle: [off-screen] You bastards!
Stan: Kyle? [looks to his left and calls out] Oh my God, they've killed Kenny!
Kyle: [off-screen] You bastards! [Stan looks up and follows Kyle's voice]
Stan: Oh my God, they've killed Kenny!
Jesus: That takes care of them.
Joseph Smith: Now it's your turn, Blaine!
Blaine: Perhaps you need to see some real magic. [floats up to Lincoln's left foot and touches it. His magic infuses the statue with life, and Lincoln breaks free from his chair]
Lincoln: Raaargh! [steps down towards the crowd]
Buddha: Oh this looks like trouble.
Blaine: [floating high above the crowd] So long, Super Best Fools!
Stan: [reaches Kyle] Kyle!
Kyle: Stan!
Stan: Kyle, you can't kill yourself!
Kyle: I don't want to kill myself. They rigged this thing to fill with water! [tremulous footsteps are felt, and Lincoln is shown walking among the crowd of Blaintologists]
Jesus: We've gotta stop that oversized Abraham Lincoln! Mohammad! [Mohammad rises into the air and blasts Lincoln with flames. Lincoln growls and swats Mohammad away with ease] Great Scott!
Cartman: [trying to drown himself from the edge of the Reflecting Pool] Bliegh! [rises. His body is on land] Yugh. Uh, okay, try again. Hep [dunks his head in the water again].
Scene Description: Shot of Washington D.C. from the Vietnam Memorial. Lincoln is taking buildings off their foundations and tossing them aside. Krishna, in the form of an eagle, flies over the scene. Flames are everywhere.
Mohammad: It is too powerful, Jesus!
Krishna: [lands] It seems to have no weakness!
Jesus: There has to be a way to destroy it. [raises his left wrist to speak into the watch] Jesus to Moses!
Scene Description: The Hall of Super Best Friends, day, at that moment
Narrator: Meanwhile, at the Super Best Friends League...
Jesus: Come in, Moses!
Moses: What?
Jesus: We need to know how to kill a giant stone Abraham Lincoln.
Moses: ...Um... Let me think, um... a giant stone John Wilkes Booth?
Jesus: [thinks for a moment] You heard him, Super Best Friends! We've got to make a giant stone John Wilkes Booth!
Mohammad: Krishna, we're going to need wood for a mold!
Krishna: Form of... a beaver! [transforms into a beaver and runs off to chop down trees]
Mohammad: I will find sources to concrete. [points to Seaman] You, get the water to mix it with, Seaman. [the other friends laugh]
Narrator: Using the wood that Krishna cut down as a beaver, Jesus uses his master carpentry skills to make a giant mold.
Jesus: That should do the trick. Now for some concrete.
Narrator: Meanwhile, in the ocean depths, Seaman seeks out water to mix with the concrete.
Seaman: Sea-Man! [lands on the ocean bottom] Look, Swallow, we should be able to divert the water with that pipe.
Narrator: And so, Seaman and Swallow get to... get to work [laughs]
Scene Description: The Reflecting Pool, later. Water fills the bubble Kyle is in, and he struggles to breathe
Stan: Kyle, you have to hold your breath! [a giant stone hand comes down and grabs the bubble as Stan looks on helplessly. Everyone backs away from the stone Lincoln as it holds Kyle in its left hand. Lincoln shakes Kyle around like a snow globe, and Stan gets mad] Oh, very funny! [Seaman and Joseph Smith pour the raw materials needed for a statue into Jesus' mold, and Mohammad fires the statue like a piece of clay. The likeness of John Wilkes Booth appears on the statue]
Jesus: Lao Tse, bring it to life. [Lao Tse puts index fingers to temples and shuts his eyes to concentrate on the task at hand]
Narrator: Using his power of Taoism, Lao Tse becomes one with the giant stone John Wilkes Booth. [the Booth statue begins to move. It breaks out of its mold, walks up behind the Lincoln statue, and fires one stone bullet into the back of Lincoln's head. Lincoln's head jerks back, and he falls forward, ending up face down. The bubble falls out of his hand and breaks up on the ground. Kyle is washed out]
Kyle: Wagh. [sits up]
Jesus: It worked. Now freeze over the pool so no one else can drown themselves! [Quickly, Joseph Smith reaches the Reflecting Pool and blows ice-cold air over it. The water turns to white ice as other Blaintologists try to drown themselves. Cartman tries once more, but looks up quickly]
Cartman: Hey, I was just about to do it.
Scene Description: The Reflecting Pool, later. The crowd of Blaintologists is still there, and the water has melted
Narrator: Later, at exactly the same location...
Blaine: [now in his escape vehicle, on its own launcher] Damn you, Super Best Friends!
Jesus: Your magic is no match for our powers combined, Blaine!
Blaine: Then I guess you win this time, Super Best Fools! But I'll be back! [he fires up the little rocket ship and takes off into the sky]
Jesus: Goddamnit! [behind him and the other Super Best Friends is a city in ruins]
Buddha: It's alright. Everything is as it should be.
Jesus: Oh, shut up, Buddha!
Steven: Our leader, he... he's leaving us! [a Blaintologist, about to drown himself, looks up and sees the ship fly away]
Blaintologist: Don't leave us, David Blaine!
Stan: [with mic. Kyle and Cartman stand some distance to his left] Listen up, everyone! [the Super Best Friends gather behind him] You don't need David Blaine to tell you how to live. See, cults are dangerous because they promise you hope, happiness and, maybe even an afterlife. But in return, they demand you pay money. Any religion that requires you to pay money in order to move up and... learn its tenets is wrong. See, all religions have something valuable to teach, but, just like the Super Best Friends learned, it requires a little bit of them all.
Blaintologist: He's right. He... he's right! [the crowd cheers, and Stan walks over to Kyle]
Kyle: Thanks for saving us Stan. You're my Super Best Friend.
Stan: Your my Super Best Friend too, Kyle.
Cartman: Oh, that's so sweet you guys. [Stan and Kyle are not amused] You wanna go get a room so you can make out for a while? Heheheheheh [Kyle turns and kicks Cartman in the groin, knocking him down]
Kyle: [moves away so Stan can have a turn] Haha, hehahaha.
Cartman: [Stan kicks him] Ah! [Kyle's turn] Ow, stop it! [Stan's turn] Ah! [they continue taking turns kicking Cartman in the groin - Roshambo!]
Jesus: Well, it looks like everything worked out. [the Super Best Friends take off into the air]
Narrator: And so, Jesus and his companions leave Washington. But their return is assured, for there will always be a need for... the Super Best Friends!


Scene Description: Morning in South Park. Cartman is riding his Big Wheels down the road, singing to himself. He soon reaches the bus stop. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny are standing there
Cartman: Doodoo doot doo, dadadadada daa, ya da dadaa Doodoo doot doo, dadada daa, heydy heydy heydy, how's it goin', guys?
Kyle: What the hell are you so happy about, fatass? [Cartman gets off his bike]
Cartman: [coolly] Oh, nothing. No big deal, really.
Stan: What's no big deal?
Cartman: Well, guys, it seems that I am the first one of us to reach manhood after all.
Kyle: ...What the hell are you talking about?
Cartman: Well, because, unlike you guys, I just got my first pubes! Ayada da daa, yadadadadee! [dances]
Kenny: (You got pubes??)
Kyle: What's "pubes"?
Stan: Pubic hair. He's saying he got his first pubic hair.
Kyle: Oh. [to Cartman] No you didn't!
Cartman: Oh yes I did! I'm becoming a man!
Stan: He's lying. [turns and walks away. Kenny follows, then Kyle]
Cartman: You wanna see 'em?
Kyle: [turns to look at them] Hell no! [Stan and Kenny turn to look]
Cartman: [reaches into his pants] Here, check 'em out.
Stan: [looks away and hides his eyes] We don't wanna see them, Cartman! [Kyle turns around, Kenny shuts his hood tight]
Cartman: There, see? How do you like them apples! [in his right hand is a clump of pubic hair. The other boys look, with Kyle ready to cover his eyes again] HA!
Kyle: [approaches] Uh, what are those? [Stan and Kenny follow]
Cartman: My pubes.
Stan: What??
Cartman: I got 'em from Scott Tenorman.
Kyle: Scott Tenorman? The ninth grader?
Cartman: Yup. He let me have 'em for just ten bucks. [sing-song] Ha ha ha! I got pubes 'fore you guys did! I got pubes 'fore youuu guys! Ahahahahahahaa ha! [dances a little more]
Stan: Cartman, you are so goddamned stupid, it's unbelievable.
Cartman: [moves in between Stan and Kyle and embraces them, one under each arm, and gloats. Kyle looks at Cartman's right hand] Don't be jealous, guys. [Kyle looks at Cartman] This doesn't mean we can't still hang out. [Kyle looks back at Cartman's hand] It just means that I matured faster than you. [Kyle fears for that hair touching him] You'll get your pubes guys, someday.
Kyle: Cartman, you don't buy pubes, you grow them yourself!
Cartman: Uh oo what?
Stan: When you get old enough, you grow your own pubic hair that's attached to you, you fuckin' dumbass!
Cartman: Nuh uh!
Kyle: Yuh huh!
Cartman: [looks at his purchase] But then why would Scott Tenorman sell me his pubes for ten dollars?
Kyle: Because, retard, you're dumb enough to buy Scott Tenorman's pubes for ten dollars!
Cartman: You're telling me these pubes are worth nothing.
Kyle: Yeah.
Cartman: [walks off in a huff] Huh I'm gonna get that son-of-a-bitch.
Scene Description: A lavender house, day. Three teens sit on the front steps
Scott: And so I told him, I said "Here. I'll sell you my pubes for only ten bucks." And this stupid asshole buys them! [the other two boys laugh]
Another boy: Oh man! [Cartman makes his way up to the boys]
Scott: Speak of the devil! What do you want?
Cartman: Uh, yes, I've come to return these pubes that I purchased, please?
Scott: Uh uh, I don't take returns!
Cartman: Right, but you see, I didn't realize, when I bought these pubes from you, that you were full of shit! So you can either give me back my ten dollars, or I can go tell my mom on you!
Scott: You would actually tell your mom that you were stupid enough to pay for my pubes? Huh uh, I don't think so!
Cartman: Just give me back my money...
Scott: Buyer beware, dude!
Cartman: Gimme my ten dollars, Scott!
Scott: Hehey, I said no! Now get your fat little butt out of here before I kick your head in! [defeated, Cartman walks away]
Scene Description: Scott's house, later. Cartman rings the doorbell
Cartman: [in costume, with briefcase] Hello, sir, my name is Kris Kristofferson. I'm with the IRS. I'm here to collect ten dollars that you own in back taxes.
Scott: You're not from the IRS! You glued my pubes onto your face!
Cartman: [thinks a bit] Tax evasion is a very serious offense, sir! I suggest that you...
Scott: Alright alright. I'll trade you my pubes back for the money.
Cartman: You will? Oh, cool!
Scott: How much did I charge? Uh, oh yeah. Ten dollars. You got change for a twenty?
Cartman: Oh. Uh, lessee. [pulls out some money] I only got six dollars and twelve cents.
Scott: Oh. well... that's okay. Here. Just... give me the six dollars. [done.] And then I'll... give you the twenty.
Cartman: ...Okay.
Scott: Now, give me the pubes, and I'll give you back two dollars.
Cartman: Right.
Scott: Now, give me the twelve cents, and I'll give you the rest of your change back.
Cartman: Cool.
Scott: And then give me the twenty, and I'll give you the pubes. [walks back in the house with his money back]
Cartman: Sweet! [the door closes] Uh. Oh, goddamnit!
Scene Description: Bijou movie house, later. The boys are going to see a "BIG WAR MOVIE"
Cartman: That asshole! That big, smelly, ass-sniffin' asshole! I'm gonna get him!
Kyle: Cartman, can I give you some advice?
Cartman: What?
Kyle: Just let it go, dude. You only had sixteen dollars and twelve cents. Count all your losses and move on. He's smarter than you.
Cartman: He is not smarter than me! He just charmed me, that's all! He's a charmer, that Scott Tenorman!! But I'll get him someday!! [the boys reach the box office and buy their tickets]
Kyle: One please.
Stan: One please.
Kenny: (One please.)
Cartman: One please. [with no money, he tries to pay with pubic hair. Nothing happens for a while]
Rick: That'll be six dollars.
Cartman: O-kay, and how much is that in pubes?
Rick: We don't take pubes!
Cartman: Listen, my money is as good as anybody's! Don't you, uh, discriminate against my people by not accepting these pubes.
Rick: We don't take pubes!! End of story!!
Cartman: Racist! [takes the pubes and runs off]
Scene Description: Scott's house, later. Cartman rings the doorbell again
Cartman: Scott, Scott! Courtney Love is in South Park! She's all drunk and spreading her legs and showing her poonanner to everybody! You gotta go check it out! I'll watch your house for ya!
Scott: Okay, I'll buy the pubes back! Here!
Cartman: [stunned] What?
Scott: Sixteen dollars! Take it! I-I'll even throw in an extra five! Here! Give me back my pubes!
Cartman: [softly] Wha-? Uh oo [audibly] why do you want then back so much?
Scott: No reason.
Cartman: I don't believe you.
Scott: Alright alright! The pube fair in Fort Collins.
Cartman: Pube fair?
Scott: They're paying five bucks a hair for pubes! If I leave now, I can catch the last bus!
Cartman: Five bucks a hair? The- that's like a million dollars!
Scott: Hehere, take your money!
Cartman: Hoho, I don't think so, Scott! I'm going to Fort Collins myself!
Scott: Oh, you can't do this to me! Nooo!
Cartman: Haha, charade you are, Scott! [runs away quickly]
Scott: Have you no heart??
Scene Description: Bus Terminal, day. Cartman stands in line waiting for a trip to Fort Collins. People are boarding the bus
Cartman: [cuts through the line] Ahaaa, what a stupid asshole! Hahahahaha! [enters the bus]
Scene Description: Bus, evening. The sun has already set and Cartman is still on the bus, en route to Fort Collins
Cartman: Hohoho! I won a million dollars!! Whew! Ow!
Scene Description: Fort Collins, night. Cartman gets off the bus and walks
Cartman: Hahaaha! Ha. Ha. Heh. Huh, excuse me, sir.
Man: Yes?
Cartman: Can you tell me where the pube fair is?
Man: The pube fair?
Cartman: Yeah, I have some pubes to sell.
Man: There's no such thing, you little smartass! [walks away]
Cartman: No- no such thing?
Teen boy: [approaches with a box] Hey, you wouldn't happen to be Eric Cart-man, would you?
Cartman: I'm Eric Cartman.
Teen boy: Well, I think this is for you. [hands it to Cartman and walks away. Cartman sets the box down and opens it. He looks in, and a look of shock is on his face. He reaches in and pulls out... more pubic hair]
Cartman: [screams] Aaah!!!
Scene Description: Scott's house, night. Cartman rings the doorbell again, this time in the rain. Scott answers. Cartman is soaked with rain, his beanie wrinkling
Cartman: A hundred and six miles, Scott. I had to ride a hundred and six miles in the back of a pickup truck... to get back here
Scott: You really went? What a 'tard.
Cartman: Alright, Scott, you win. I give up.
Scott: You do? Wow, you're not as stupid as I thought.
Cartman: Yeah, I'll see you around. [walks down the steps and towards the street, but stops] Sure is too bad about my grandma, though...
Scott: Your grandma?
Cartman: [turns around] Huh? Oh, it's... it's not really your concern, since uh-... well, my grandma's in the hospital. She's very sick. The doctors say unless I can come up with sixteen dollars for her operation, they're gonna put her down.
Scott: Oh. [strokes his chin] Jeez, I-... I didn't realize that.
Cartman: Yeah. Poor grandma...
Scott: Hey, kid... Hold on a second ah, ah, I'll get your money. [through the window, Scott is seen going for the money]
Cartman: [evilly, to himself] Heheheheheh. He's such a douche, heheheheheh. [turns around and returns to the house. Scott returns]
Scott: Here you go.
Cartman: Oh, wow, thanks a lot, Scott! [Scott withholds the money]
Scott: But... just one thing before I give it to you:
Cartman: What?
Scott: I just... well... I want you to beg for it.
Cartman: Huh?
Scott: Just... get down on your knees and- beg me for the money.
Cartman: Why??
Scott: Do you want your grandma to live or not?
Cartman: [looks around to make sure no one else is watching, then quickly] Please Scott give me my money.
Scott: No, no, get down on your knees. [Cartman begins to get on his knees] Lower your head [Cartman lowers it], and say "I beg you to give me back my money."
Cartman: I beg you to give me back my money.
Scott: Now say, "I'm a little piggy".
Cartman: What?
Scott: Say it!
Cartman: [looks around] I'm a little piggy.
Scott: [points to his nose] "Here's my snout."
Cartman: [points to his nose] Here's my snout.
Scott: "Oink oink oink."
Cartman: Oink oink oink.
Scott: Now dance, little piggy! Dance and oink for me!
Cartman: [looks back angrily for a few seconds, then] I'm a little piggy; here's my snout. Oink oink oink, oink oink oink. [Scott begins to laugh] I'm a little piggy; here's - Aalrightalrightalright, now give me back my money!
Scott: You mean this? [Cartman brightens up] You really care that much about sixteen measly dollars? I mean, what can you buy with sixteen dollars? My parents give me a fifty dollar-a-week allowance. This pittance means nothing to me. Watch. [holds the bills out and strikes a lighter under them]
Cartman: What- What are you doing?? [the bills light up and burn from one end to the other. Scott lets the burning bills float away] No!... Wh-why?
Scott: Now you can't bug me for your dumb money! [turns around and enters the house, shutting the door behind him. Cartman then turns and walks towards the street anew. Halfway there, he looks at his mitts, then grows indignant]
Cartman: [yells at the sky] Yaaaarrgh! ...You'll diiiiiiiiiie! ...Damn youuuuuuuuuu!
Scene Description: Cartman's house, cellar. The kids in class has been reunited for something important. They're chattering amongst themselves
Cartman: [descending the stairs] Concerned citizens, I thank you for coming. [walks to the easel] I know that you are all deeply troubled and want to find a quick and painful way to get rid of Scott Tenorman once and for all! [Clyde raises his hand] Yes, Clyde!
Clyde: Who's Scott Tenorman?
Kids: Yeah.
Kyle: Scott Tenorman is an eighth grader who sold Cartman his pubes for ten dollars, and now Cartman's all pissed off.
Cartman: [correcting Kyle] Sixteen dollars and twelve cents! He is a disease. He is a cold calculating mind, and I will have revenge!
Butters: Wuh what are you gonna do?
Cartman: Did you guys see that movie "Hannibal"? Where the deformed guy trained giant pigs to eat his enemy alive?? Well, if we find a pony [flips the first page over to reveal a drawing of a pony and takes up the pointer with his left hand], we can train it. Train it... to bite off Scott Tenorman's wiener. [the other kids just stare back, but Cartman continues] It will be painful and humiliating! Everyone will see it happen! And then, Scott Tenorman will forever be known as the kid who had his wiener bitten off by a pony!!! WAHAHAHAHAA!!!
Kyle: What's in it for us?
Cartman: What?
Stan: Yeah, why should we all care about getting Scott Tenorman back for you?
Cartman: Oh, right. Why should we care? [slaps the pointer into his right hand] Yes, why should we care? Indeed, eh. Let's just let Scott Tenorman walk away with my sixteen dollars and twelve cents. Hell, let's let all the Scott Tenormans of the world take what's ours and laugh in our faces. Why stand up for yourselves when you can just walk out of here right now and say, "It's not your problem." But... years from now, when you're old and have children of your own, what would you give to come back and fight this one day? This one day, when you could have made a difference! Where you could have told Scott Tenorman, "You may take our pride, but you'll never take my Goddamned sixteen dollars and twelve cents!!" [flips to the next page, which has written on it "$16.12" with double underline] Now who's with me? [turns around to find only Timmy in the basement]
Timmy: Timmay!
Cartman: [slaps his forehead and sighs] Christ. Alright, I guess it's just you and me, Timmy!
Timmy: Euuh, livin' a lie, Timmih. [rolls out of the room. Cartman is stunned, then angry]
Scene Description: A barn, day. Cartman stands next to a scarecrow. He pulls out a frank from a bag of wieners and places it in the scarecrow's crotch
Cartman: There we go. [stands aside] Come and get it. [camera pulls back to reveal a pony nearby] ...Come on, pony, bite the wiener. Bite it. [the pony looks, then approaches] Come on, good pony. That's it! [the pony sniffs the wiener] Now, bite it off! Bite off the wiener! Good pony! [the pony bares its teeth... only to start licking the wiener] Oh no, pony, he'll like that.
Jimbo: [rushing up with Ned after eying Cartman in the corral] Eric! Are you training that pony to please you?
Cartman: No, I'm trying to teach it how to bite someone's penis off. [by this time, the pony is sucking on the wiener]
Jimbo: Oh. Well, does Mr. Denkins know you're usin' his pony? He shoots trespassers on sight, you know.
Cartman: He said it was okay.
Jimbo: Alright, then. [turns to walk away, but remembers something] Wait, why the hell are you trainin' Denkins' pony to bite off someone's penis?
Cartman: Because [ominously] of Scott Tenorman! I hate him! And I want to make him suffer!
Jimbo: Well, son, I think you have a pretty stupid plan there.
Cartman: [noticing the sucking] Not like that, pony! [slaps the wiener out of its mouth]
Jimbo: Look, if you wanna get revenge on somebody, you've gotta think like a hunter. [the pony reaches for the wiener and starts sucking it again]
Cartman: Whattayou mean?
Jimbo: Step 1: Find someone's weakness. Step 2: Exploit that weakness.
Cartman: How do I do that?
Scene Description: Scott's house, night. Cartman appears in the bushes across the street. He pulls out binoculars and checks out the various rooms in the house. He sees Scott in his room, with Radiohead posters on his wall
Jimbo: [pops up] What do you see? [Ned pops up. All three are in camouflage]
Cartman: I see Scott Tenorman. With his ginger red hair and his stupid freckles and his- Goddmnit goddamnit I hate him!!!
Jimbo: No, young hunter. I mean, what do you see? You must learn all you can about your kill.
Cartman: Right, right. Let's see... There's posters. Radiohead posters! And he's reading a magazine about Radiohead!
Jimbo: Ooh, what's a Radiohead?
Cartman: You know, that band that sings that song: Well, I'm a creep. I'm a winner...
Ned: Mmuh, what am I doing here?
Jimbo: Oh, Jesus, don't start singing, Ned!
Cartman: So, the subject is a big Radiohead fan, huh? Maybe I should come up with a [British accent] li'l ol' scheme [normal] that involves them.
Jimbo: Nice thinking, young hunter.
Cartman: Whoa!
Jimbo: What?
Cartman: I'm looking in Scott's parents' room. Scott's mom's about to take off her bra.
Jimbo: What?! Give me those! [rips the binoculars away and looks for himself] Holy crow, he's right, Ned! Mrs. Tenorman's lettin' the twins out!
Ned: Mn let me see.
Cartman: Radiohead. Yes, of course. [drops down]
Jimbo: Dear God, they're bigger than I ever imagined!
Ned: Let me see. Let me see.
Jimbo: Here you go. [allows Ned to look through the binoculars, and Ned begins to masturbate] Wow, those are great. Maybe I should go grab some beers, Ned. Ned, what- a-are you jackin' it?
Ned: Kinda.
Jimbo: Well, stop it! [the porch light turns on and Mr. Tenorman walks out the front door. Jimbo and Ned freeze]
Mr. Tenorman: Hey, what the hell are you doing out there?
Jimbo: [hushed] Oh crap!
Mr. Tenorman: Who's out there?
Jimbo: [hushed] Ned, for Christ's sake, stop jackin'!
Ned: I can't.
Mr. Tenorman: Don't think I don't see you! I know who you are and I'm calling the police! [Jimbo and Ned witness other men rise from the pushes and split. Among them are Randy, in a Groucho Marx outfit; Gerald, dressed as a clown; Stuart, with a paper shopping bag over his head; one man in scuba gear, and one more man]
A man: Whoa, I gotta get out of here! [Mr. Tenorman is left wondering why so many men were there.]
Scene Description: Scott's house, the next day. Cartman returns yet again and rings the doorbell. Scott answers.
Cartman: [cheerfully] Oh, hey, Scott. How's it goin'? I was just wondering, do you like the band, uh, Radiohead at all?
Scott: Uh huh.
Cartman: Oh, really? Oh, 'cause, they're doin' a big interview on MTV, and they're playing it tonight on a big screen downtown. [gloats] Everyone's gonna be there!
Scott: Oh, cool. Um, thanks for tellin' me.
Cartman: You're welcome, Scott. [turns and walks away]
Scene Description: Downtown South Park, night. Cartman stands on a small stage as a crowd gathers. On stage is a big-screen TV and tower speakers
Cartman: Okay. Well, it looks like everyone is here. Let's play the video, shall we? [activates the screen and then walks off stage]
Kurt Loder: Welcome back to MTV. We're here with the members from Radiohead, probably the hottest band in the world right now. [Cartman joins the crowd and stands next to Scott, his mood changing from happy to mad] Guys, when is the next album coming out?
Cartman: [has taped over the band's answers with his own - first as Thom Yorke] That's an interesting question, Kurt. But first I'd just like to say that I really hate this kid named Scott Tenorman. He's stupid. [now as Johnny Greenwood] Yeah, I hate Scott Tenorman too. [Now as Ed O'Brien] I think all the guys in the band hate him, right guys?
Cartman: Oh, Jesus, did you hear that, Scott? [Scott looks down, and ponders Cartman's role]
Kurt Loder: And will there be a new tour?
Cartman: [Now as Phil Selway] Well, we would tour, but we just hate that Scott Tenorman kid so much that we don't want to. [Now as Thom Yorke] Yeah. Scott Tenorman is totally not cool! He's not cool!
Cartman: Wow, that really sucks for you, Scott. [Scott is gone] Scott? Ha haha ha ha ha! Did you see that? Scott mast have ran home so embarrassed! Ha ha ha ha. And you know what? That wasn't really Radiohead talking! I just dubbed their voices over! HAHAHAHA! [feedback is heard] What a retard! [the kids around him face right] And now everyone saw it! [looks around]
Scott: [off screen] Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, it's time for the amazing Pube Boy! [moves aside to show an ever bigger TV, which is turned on. Scott has apparently filmed Cartman earlier begging for his money]
Cartman: [on screen] '"I'm a little piggy; here's my snout. Oink oink oink, oink oink oink."' [the kids begin to laugh hard, then harder. The same clip is shown over and over, and Kenny begins to laugh. Soon he can't control himself, and falls over dead. His ghost appears and continues laughing]
Stan: [looks over at Kenny's corpse] Oh my God, he killed Kenny.
Cartman: [seething with anger] That does it! I'm gonna get Scott Tenorman once and for all!!!
Scene Description: That night, dark and stormy, appropriate for Cartman's mood at the moment, Cartman's house. A boy possessed, he's in his room devising a new plan. An evil look comes across his face
Cartman: Hueah. You think you're so cool, Scott Tenorman? We'll see how cool you feel after this-uh! Yes. Yes! Yes!! [goes into whispers and brings out a protractor and a compass] Then... that... [finishes his plan] Hahaha, hahahaha! Yes! It is the most genius plan ever!! Scott Tenorman is going to wish he never met meee!!! [a truly evil grin appears on his face.]
Scene Description: Mr. Denkins' farm, next day. Cartman is back at the corral waiting for his friends. Stan and Kyle walk up.
Kyle: Okay, Cartman, what do you want?
Cartman: Stan, Kyle, thanks for coming. I have it all figured out!
Stan: Got what all figured out?
Cartman: How to get Scott Tenorman back!
Kyle: [rolls his eyes] Oh, Jesus!
Cartman: I just finished planning a brilliant [British accent] li'l scheme [normal] that should put Scott in his place for good! And if you help me, I'll give each of you... two... dollars. [holds out two fingers]
Kyle: Okay, so what's the plan?
Cartman: It's the brilliant combination of my last two plans. Scott Tenorman's favorite band is Radiohead, right?
Stan: Yeah.
Cartman: So, I realized, 'What if we got Radiohead to come here to South Park?' right? Then they could meet Scott Tenorman - and - see him get his wiener bitten off by a pony! [camera pulls back to reveal the setup: pony, scarecrow with wiener attached to groin]
Kyle: ...What?
Cartman: Don't you see? If I can get this pony to bite off Scott's wiener in front of Radiohead, then Scott would cry. And if Scott cries, then Radiohead will say Scott Tenorman is totally not cool! And that would make Scott Tenorman wanna die!! [laughs demonically] Okay, I'll keep working on the pony, you guys go get Radiohead to play here! Ready? Break!! [nothing happens for a few seconds]
Kyle: You're such a dumbass, Cartman. [he and Stan turn and walk away]
Cartman: ...Fine, I'll do it myself!! You guys just watch!! [walks over to the pony] Ready, pony? [the pony nods] Bite it! [the pony bites off a piece of the wiener] Yes!! [exults]
Scene Description: London Recording Studio, day. Inside, Radiohead prepares to record. One of them is on the floor reading fan mail
Johnny: Thom, will you stop reading fan mail? We have work to do.
Thom: Just a second, fellas. Listen to this: Dear Radiohead, My name is Eric Cartman. I'm a young, supple eight-year-old boy from South Park, Colorado. I am writing to you because of a kid I know named Scott Tenorman. Scott is fifteen, and I'm afraid he has cancer. In his ass. Radiohead is his favorite band, and it would make his short life if you could find it in your hearts to visit him before he dies alone and scared. Won't you please consider it? I don't think he'll make it past... next Tuesday around 5.
Phil: Wow, we have to go.
Ed: To Colorado? But we have an album to mix.
Thom: Didn't you hear the letter?? This poor kid has cancer! In his ass!
Scene Description: Scott's house, day. A phone rings. Scott answers it in the living room.
Scott: Hello?
Kyle: [voice at other end] Scott Tenorman?
Scott: What do you want?
Kyle: We just wanna warn you: Eric Cartman, the fourth grader, is going' to try and trick you somehow into getting your wiener bitten off by a pony who lives at Denkins' ranch.
Scott: How do you know?
Kyle: 'Cause, we're his friends.
Scott: Then why are you telling me?
Kyle: 'Cause we hate him.
Scott: Oh.
Kyle: Well, we just thought we'd let you know. See ya.
Scott: See ya. [the doorbell rings. Scott walks over to open the door]
Scene Description: At the front door
Cartman: [with tickets in hand] Hello, Scott!
Scott: Hey.
Cartman: I was just stopping by to invite you to my Chili Con Carnival. It's a chili cook-off with rides. [shows him the face of the ticket] Everyone's coming, and I wanted to drop by your invitation personally!
Scott: Ooo, a chili carnival, huh? That sounds great.
Cartman: [getting smug] Yeah! There is even gonna be a big surprise, so you won't wanna miss it, Scott. Oh, and here! Here's a coupon good for one free pony ride!
Scott: Wow, a pony ride. Neat.
Cartman: Oh, it will be very neat, Scott.
Scott: Gosh. Chili, rides, and ponies? What more could I want?
Cartman: [under his breath] A little penis-biting, perhaps?
Scott: What?
Cartman: Uhnothing, nuhothing! So you'll come for sure then, Scott?
Scott: How can I turn it down?
Cartman: Sweeet. Killer. Bye, Scott. [Scott turns around and closes the door] Ohoho, you are good, Eric. You are very, very good. [leaves]
Scene Description: back in the living room
Scott: Mom, Dad, that was my good friend Eric at the door? He told me that there's a starving pony at Denkins' ranch that's been abandoned.
Mrs. Tenorman: Oh dear.
Scott: Yeah, I feel really bad. But I don't know how I can help it, because I have a lot of homework to do.
Mr. Tenorman: [drops his paper. Both parents rise] Well, don't you worry, Scott. Your mom and I can go get the pony and have it taken to an animal shelter.
Mrs. Tenorman: We sure can.
Scott: Wow, would you really? I feel so much better now.
Mrs. Tenorman: [hugs him] Oh, Scott, you're such a loving, caring boy. I'm so proud of you.
Scott: I'm proud of you, too, Mom.
Mrs. Tenorman: Let's go, hon. [heads for the door]
Mr. Tenorman: Let's. [follows her out]
Scene Description: In the kitchen. Scott is cooking up something... his friends arrive
Buddy 1: What are you doing, Scott?
Scott: What's it look like? I'm making chili. Did you bring the goods?
Buddy 2: [holds out a bag full of hair] We got everyone we could find to chip in. [his friend giggles] There are pubes from just about every single kid in town.
Scott: Awesome! [yanks the bag away, opens it, and mixes the pubes into the chili]
Buddy 1: Oh, dude!
Scott: The little fat kid thinks he's gonna get revenge tomorrow. We'll see how he likes it when I tell him he just ate the pubes of every kid in town!
Buddy 2: Yeah! [hi-fives Scott, and the three laugh heartily]
Scene Description: South Park, next day. The Chili Con Carnival is in full swing. People have already arrived. Stan and Kyle walk up
Cartman: [steps out of the ticket booth to greet them] Oh, hello, guys! Thanks for coming to my Chili Con Carnival!
Stan: This is the dumbest thing you've ever done, Cartman.
Cartman: [smug] Ohoho, it won't be so dumb when Scott Tenorman arrives. I suggest you stay to see the fireworks!
Kyle: Oho, we will. Trust us. We won't miss this. [looks at Stan, who's smiling]
Cartman: What's so funny?
Stan: Oh nothing, it's just cool how you're gonna get Scott Tenorman back. Is Radiohead here yet?
Cartman: Not yet, but they will be.
Kyle: Yeah, sure. [As Chef arrives, Stan and Kyle leave]
Chef: Hello, Eric!
Cartman: Hey, Chef.
Chef: I made some chili to enter into the contest.
Cartman: What contest?
Chef: This is a chili cook-off, ain't it?
Cartman: Huh? Oh. Yeah, I guess it is. Uh, here, Chef, just put it over here.
Chef: It's my special recipe.
Cartman: [seeing Scott, interrupts. Slowly and sweetly] Scott Tenorman!!! How are you, Scott? Thanks so much for coming! [Scott holds a small container of chili]
Scott: Oh, I wouldn't miss this for anything.
Cartman: [overjoyed] Likewise. Well, come on, you've got to see the pony!
Scott: Just a second: don't you- wanna taste my chili first?
Cartman: Well, e-yeah, but, there's a special guest coming, and I want you to be near the pony when they arrive.
Scott: Well I don't want it to get cold. I think I can win first prize.
Cartman: [sighs silently] Alright, Scott, uh. Let's go over to the judging table and we'll try the chili first. [Scott leaves] Goddamnit!
Scene Description: Cartman's house, the judging table. Cartman and Scott take their seats. Behind Scott stand Butters, Kyle, Stan, and Scott's friends. Behind Cartman stand Bebe, Clyde, and Token
Scott: [setting his plate before Cartman] Alright, I guess we should taste each other's chili, huh?
Cartman: [inspecting the dish] Huh, this chili looks pretty good. Weh, here's mine. [hands his plate to Scott, who takes it to his end of the table and starts eating]
Scott: Mmm. Ah, I don't know. Your chili is pretty good, Cartman, but I think mine is better. Try it.
Cartman: Alright. [takes the dish and starts eating. Both boys munch away for a few moments] Hey, this is great! [Stan and Kyle stifle giggles]
Scott: Eh, it's a special recipe.
Cartman: [begins to wolf down the food] Gawh, this is really good, Scott!
Scott: I'm glad you like it so much, because now that you're almost finished, I have some'in' to tell you.
Cartman: What? You mean about how you put pubes in your chili? [Everyone at Scott's end of the table is shocked, even Scott, at this accusation]
Scott: What?!
Cartman: Yehes, I'm afraid this isn't your chili, Scott. I switched it with Chef's. [Chef looks like he's been used] It's delicious, Chef. I hadn't planned on that. What I did plan on, however, was that my friends, Stan and Kyle, would betray me and warn you that the Chili Con Carnival was a trap. [Stan and Kyle are stunned] I assumed that they would tell you that I had trained Denkins' pony to bite off your wiener. What they didn't tell you was that Denkins is a crazy redneck who shoots trespassers on sight. Knowing that you would try and do something to the pony, I warned Mr. Denkins that violent pony killers were in the area. [A shot of Cartman telling Denkins of such a thing. Denkins is armed] I also know that you wouldn't go yourself, for fear of having your wiener bitten off. You would most likely send your parents. [A shot of Scott talking with his parents] And, I'm afraid that when Mr. Denkins spotted them on his property, he shot and killed both your parents. [The Tenormans are in the corral to rescue the "starving" pony, but upon seeing Mr. Tenorman's lit flashlight, Mr. Denkins fires at them, and they go down]
Mr. Denkins: [looks of horror surround him] Well, they was trespassin' and I was protectin' myself. I, I have my rights.
Scott: My... mom and dad are... dead? [A shot of Officer Barbrady taking a report from Denkins]
Cartman: I came just in time to see Mr. Denkins giving his report to Officer Barbrady. And of course, to steal the bodies... [A shot of Cartman arriving, seeing Denkins and Barbrady, and pulling the bodies away. The pony munches at some grass] After a night with the hacksaw, I was all ready to put on my Chili Con Carnival, so that I could tell you personally about your parents' demise! And of course, feed you your chili. [more faces of horror behnd Cartman] Do you like it? Do you like it, Scott? [A gleefully evil look comes over Cartman] I call it, "Mr. & Mrs. Tenorman Chili."
Scott: [looks at Cartman for a while, realizing what's just happened] Oh my God! [gagging, he fishes through the plate and finds his mom's wedding ring, still on her finger. He tosses it away] Oh my God!! [vomits off to the side]
Cartman: [leaping up on the table and sings] Nyahnyahnyahnyah nyah nyah! I made you eat your parents! Nyahnyahnyahnyah nyah nyah! [Stan and Kyle are way stunned]
Stan: Jesus Christ, dude!
Scott: [grief-stricken, he buries his face on the table] My mom and dad are dead! [pounds the table] No! NOOO!! [Radiohead arrives and stands behind Scott. Stan notices]
Thom: Uhm, excuse me?
Stan: Who are you?
Johnny: We're that band, Radiohead.
Scott: [raises his head] Jesus!
Ed: Jeez, what a li'l crybaby!
Colin: Are you gonna cry all day, crybaby??
Thom: You know, everyone has problems; it doesn't mean you have to be a little crybaby about it.
Ed: Come on, guys, let's go. This kid is totally not cool. [the members of the band start leaving]
Thom: Yeah, that's the most uncool kid I've ever met.
Phil: Little crybaby!
Scott: [gathers himself and looks] No, wait! Waaiittt!! Oh my God, Oh my Gaawwwd!! [buries his face in the table and bawls again] Noooo!
Cartman: [walks over to Scott's end of the table] Yes! Yesss!! Oh, let me taste your tears, Scott! [starts licking Scott's tears off his face] Mm, your tears are so yummy and sweet.
Kyle: Dude, I think it might be best for us to never piss Cartman off again.
Stan: Good call.
Cartman: Oh, the tears of unfathomable sadness! My-yummy. [licks the tears off the table and off Scott's face.] Mm-yummy you guys! [the iris common to Looney Tunes and Merrie Melodies cartoons appears, with fanfare] Yuppitibut, that's all, folks! [waves]