Scene Description: A close-up of Stan and Randy working on a tiny car. Randy is doing pretty much all the work. They are in the basement.
Randy: Alright, [measures the length of the car's body] that's 2.8 centimeters... should give us a drag of only.. 26 milliseconds. Hold the front here, Stan. [Stan holds on to the car's front end as Randy whips out a cordless drill. Randy bores into the rear end of the car as Sharon comes down the stairs.]
Sharon: Hey guys, it's almost 2 a.m.
Randy: [looks over his shoulder] We know!
Sharon: Well it's way past time for bed.
Randy: Sharon, Stan's Pinewood Derby race is tomorrow! Do you have any idea how important this is to him? Stan is not gonna lose to the goddamn Hollises again!
Sharon: Well it's just a block of wood and some wheels; I don't think there's that much more you can do with it.
Randy: That's 'cause you're a chick! Now just leave us alone! [turns his attention to the car again. Sharon goes upstairs] Don't worry, son, the Hollises are not beating us this year! I went and got something to put inside our car and make it go extra-fast. [pulls out a small box]
Stan: Dad, we're not allowed to add anything to the car that doesn't come in the approved kit, remember?
Randy: Stan, how do you think the Hollises beat us every year? [opens the box to reveal a small glowing metallic ball, picks it up with some tongs] I'm sure they put lead in the wood or something; we're just leveling the playing field. [puts the small ball in the hole he just drilled out, then plugs the hole up with a stopper that lines up flush with the car body] There.
Stan: What is that?
Randy: It's, uh it's nothing, really.
Scene Description: Channel 9 News.
Reporter: Tom, I'm standing outside the Hadron particle super-collider in Switzerland, where authorities are shocked and baffled over the theft of a superconducting bending magnet created for use in tests with particle acceleration.
Stan: [watching TV] Oh no, he didn't.
Reporter: The superconducting magnet was stolen sometime last week. Surveillance cameras were able to record the theft on tape and police are now looking for [a picture of Randy dressed as Princess Leia] Princess Leia Organa of Alderaan. Caught here in these photos, the troubled rebel princess is seen taking the superconducting magnet and then appearing disoriented as she tries to find her way out. [Stan buries his head into his right palm in shame] If you have any information of Princess Leia's whereabouts, please call your local police department.
Scene Description: Pinewood Derby Colorado State Championship, track area.
Judge: Alright Scouts and Dads, the racing continues. And it looks like our next heat is ready to go, in 3, 2, 1, race! [four boys release their cars. Token and Butters are two of the boys. The cars slide down a ramp and onto the straightaway, and hit a barrier at the other end of the track. Neither Token nor Butters wins] Two point one seconds for Tommy Bretts. Looks like we have a new leader, folks.
Tommy and his dad: [hi-five each other] All right!
Scene Description: Pinewood Derby Colorado State Championship, Registration area. Stan and Randy enter the building.
Randy: Alright Stan, we're gonna need to check in and have our car inspected to qualify. [kneels down next to Stan] Now, son, Daddy needs to teach you something very important about "tells."
Stan: Tells?
Randy: When you tell them you only used the approved kit, don't look up and away, don't rub your neck, and don't touch your ear. Otherwise they'll know you're lying to them. Alright? Whenever you need to lie, just don't look up and away, rub your neck, or touch your ear.
Stan: Dad, maybe we should just take out the thing you put in the car an-
Randy: Son. ...You have to learn how to lie correctly someday, might as well be today, alright? I love you, son. [rubs his neck and looks up and away. Stan notices and is shocked.]
Official: Looks good. Thank you and good luck today. [the boy and his father leave, Stan and his father step up] Alright, next please. [Stan hands him his car. Randy rubs his neck again, then grins nervously] Name?
Stan: It's uh, Marsh. [the official puts the car on a small stand, then measures and weighs it]
Official: Alright, car weighs in at 15 ounces. Do you hereby swear that you used parts in the official Pinewood Derby kit and only parts in the official Pinewood Derby kit?
Randy: [coaxing Stan through gritted teeth] Yes I do, yes I do.
Stan: [in a resigned voice] Yes I do.
Official: Alright young man, good luck today. [hands the car back to Stan. He and Randy walk away]
Randy: [to himself, pumping both fists] Oh! Yes! [nearby they run into Mr. Hollis and son]
Mr. Hollis: Well well, look son, it's the Marshes.
Randy: Ey Hollis. You, uh, you guys race already?
Mr. Hollis: No, little Emmett hasn't gone yet. Think they're saving the best for last. [pats Emmett's head and holds up their car] Clocked her in at home at 1.5 seconds. It's the fastest car we've ever built.
Randy: One point five?
Scene Description: Pinewood Derby Colorado State Championship, track area.
Judge: The time to beat is 1.9 seconds. May we please have... Brewster, Marsh, Jarvis, and Hollis. [the boys line up behind the starting gate, their cars in position. Emmett and Stan are next to each other]
Mr. Hollis: Huh, only fitting our boys should be going head to head for their match, hey Marsh? Heh. [sips from a can of Dr Pep-er]
Randy: Come on, Stan, you can do this! [claps enthusiastically]
Judge: Alright, kids, are you ready? Here we go, last race for the state championship in 3, 2, 1, Go! [the boys release their cars and Emmett's car takes the lead.]
Mr. Hollis: You got it Emmett! [Stan's car begins to shimmy and spark, then stretch itself. It soon takes off, blowing hair and papers around. It crashes through the wall and up into the air outside, shearing off a tree limb. It kills a bird on its way up, then buzzes a passenger jet plane. It heads right out into space. Everyone in the competition goes outside and follows the car's trajectory]
Randy: Oh yeah! [jumps around] Oh yeah! [jabs a finger at Hollis] Suck on that, Hollis!
Scene Description: The Channel Nine news graphics appear.
Announcer: This is Nine News at Ten.
Anchorman: A Colorado boy and his father have set a new record at the Pinewood Derby. [a picture of the two winners appears over his left shoulder] Stan and Randy Marsh not only broke a speed record, but actually appear to have bent time and space and discovered warp speed. [Emmett is watching the news on his couch, sad that he lost] A parade was held for the winners earlier today [they're riding on a space shuttle float during the parade], and already offers for commercials and endorsement deals for the father and son appear to be pouring in. [Emmett goes to his father's study and trophy room and watches him]
Emmett: Dad, I just want you to know I still love you. [a gun is cocked and Mr. Hollis kills himself with a gunshot through the head. The head and left arm quickly fall to his desk.] Waaaagh! [begins to hyperventilate] He's OK, he's OK, he's OK, he's OK, he's OK-
Scene Description: Space. The car has run out of fuel and is now tumbling through space. A tractor beam comes on and freezes it in place, then pulls it towards a large ship.
Scene Description: Stan's house, day. Stan comes in and opens the door. Two agents are at the front door.
Agent Marx: Stan Marsh?
Stan: Yeah?
Agent Clark: I'm Agent Clark [on the left] and this is Agent Marx [on the right. Both men whip out their badges. They are members of the NSA] We'd like to talk to you about your Pinewood Derby car.
Stan: Aw crap, Dad! [the men enter the house and walk past Stan. He closes the door behind them]
Agent Clark: Young man, what we are about to tell you is a matter of national security. Yesterday every country and embassy on Earth was contacted by... an alien life force.
Stan: Alien?
Agent Marx: [they turn around] Apparently the alien came across your Pinewood Derby car and is now headed to our planet.
Stan: What does it want?
Agent Clark: We believe that they intend to welcome us into the Galactic Federation of Planets. They will want to meet the people who discovered warp speed for our species.
Randy: [coming down the stairs with a cup of coffee] Stan, did you use all the damned toilet paper agai-? [jumps back when he sees the men] Aw crap! [walks towards them defensively] What?! What do you guys want?! We said we only used what was in the kit! You got nothin' on us! You got nothin' on us!
Stan: Dad they aren't here for that.
Randy: [lowers his guard and shakes Agent Marx's hand] Oh. Hi, I'm Randy Marsh.
Agent Clark: Mr. Marsh, we were just telling your son that thanks to you, we have made first contact with alien life.
Randy: [surprised, softly] What? [looks to his right and says normally] Hey, hey Sharon.
Agent Marx: NASA's confirmed that an alien ship has entered our solar system and it is headed here.
Randy: So, so guess what? Our Pinewood Derby car found alien life in space.
Sharon: [walks in from the kitchen with her own cup of coffee] What? Oh my God.
Randy: Yeah, but I guess it's just a dumb little race like you said, huh Sharon?
Scene Description: South Park, evening. The town is gathered around an open space waiting for the aliens to drop down into the city. Channel 9 News and News 4 are waiting to record the event. An orchestra plays in a temporary gazebo, and a banner above it says "WELCOME, GALACTIC FRIENDS." An organizer guides Randy and Stan to a prime spot in the clearing.
Reporter: The world holds its breath as an alien ship prepares to land. Now that our planet has achieved warp speed, we're about to be welcomed into the universal society. All thanks to a father and son who broke the warp barrier using only the parts in this [holds up a packet] Pinewood Derby car kit.
General: Mr. Marsh, you are on with all the world leaders. [gives him a cell phone. Randy's now on a conference call]
Randy: Hullo?
Gordon Brown: Godspeed, Mr. Marsh.
Nicolas Sarkozy: Ze nation of France iz with you.
Taro Aso: Good ruck witha 'harien, Mista Marsh.
Hu Jintao: Prease say herro froma China.
Randy: Oh okay uh, uh stand by I- I think it's, I think it's landing. [A huge shadow falls over South Park as the ship descends. Three metallic feet come out of the bottom of the ship and set themselves on the asphalt, allowing the ship to land softly]
Reporter: Our first encounter with extraterrestrial life is about to happen. Will it be like in Star Trek: First Contact? Or will it be more like Contact, with Jody Foster? [the ship's doors open, a virtual ramp appears, and the alien walks down the ramp to the street.]
Alien: I seek the life forms that made this. [holds up the car Stan launched into space.]
Randy: That's ours, Mr. Alien. We are the Marshes, Randy and Stan.
Alien: Oh yeah? [affects the manners and voice of a 1930's mobster, holds up a ray gun] You're gonna build me another one, see?
Randy: He's got a gun!
Alien: Everyone down on the ground! [everyone gets on the ground with their hands over their heads] Get those hands up! Let me see those hands! Do it now! I mean it! Show me those hands! I'm Baby Fark McGee-zax, the greatest gangster this universe has ever seen, right?!
Townsman: You can't threaten us! [a blast from the alien's gun injures his thigh and he goes down] Ow!
McGee-zax: Who wants it next, huh?! [a shot of the crowd at Times Square] Anyone else on this planet wanna be a hero? [the crowd there covers its head, as do the various world leaders]
Randy: What do you want?
McGee-zax: I'm on the lam. Got the entire Federation of Planets after me. But they ain't gonna catch me, ya got that?! They might have busted my warp drive, but you obviously know how to make 'em! [tosses the car to Randy, who catches it]
New Yorker: Screw this guy! He can't take out all of us! [McGee-zax fires into the air and the New Yorker gets a sparking sting on his right shoulder] Aargh!
McGee-zax: I can kill any mug on this two-bit planet I want! [a shot of McGee-zax from Akihabara, Tokyo. The Japanese cower and react to his image] You build me a new warp drive or you're all gonna get it, see?!
Judge: Fine. He can build you what you want. All he needs is the official Pinewood Derby kit. Right Marsh?
Randy: Uh, yeah. Yeah, that's all we need, huh Stan? [under his breath] Oh boy.
Scene Description: The South Park Market parking lot. Stan and Randy attempt to recreate the supersonic car they made earlier. Just as in the basement, Randy is to the left.
Randy: Okay, let's ah put the wheels on now, son.
McGee-zax: What's takin' so long?! You're stallin'!
Stephen: Come on Randy, just build him the warp drive and he'll leave us alone.
Randy: We're working on it! [McGee-zax begins to pace back and forth behind them]
Stan: [whispering] Dad. Dad, you know we can't make the car go as fast as before with only the approved Pinewood Derby kit.
Randy: [whispering] Yeah, thanks Stan, I know that.
Stan: [whispering] Well we have to tell them we used something outside the kit.
Randy: [whispering] Do you have any idea how stupid that would make us look?!
McGee-zax: Alright, that does it! [fires off another shot into the sky. A second later Randy gets a call on his cell phone]
Randy: Hello?
Silvio Berlusconi: They justa blew up our government building! Ya got to hurry!
Gordon Brown: Mr. Marsh, why won't you finish the Pinewood Derby car?!
Randy: Will you just give us a minute?! Gau!!
Stan: Come on, Dad. We've gotta come clean.
Randy: [feeling the stress of urgency] Awhuh. [a siren sounds in the distance. In the sky another space ship shows up, with police sirens on it]
McGee-zax: Aw zahts, it's the intergalactic police.
Randy: What?! [McGee-zax pulls out a small remote control from his left front pocket and aims it at his ship. One click and the ship is cloaked in invisibility. McGee-zax then takes Stan captive and backs away holding a gun to Stan's head]
McGee-zax: You'd better get rid of 'em or your whole planet is gonna get it, see?! [goes towards South Park Market] You tell 'em you ain't seen nothin', you got that?! [the sliding doors open and he takes Stan into the store] I ain't goin' to space jail! [the doors close. The police ship lands and two space officers come out and walk down their ramps to the ground. One officer has two mouths, the other just one. Both of them have four eyes and broad shoulders]
Officer 1: 'Scuse us, Earthlings, but uh, we've been in pursuit of a criminal from the Xenon galaxy. Fella by the name of Baby Fark McGee-zax?
Randy: Uh, no. [pulls at his ear vigorously] We haven't seen anything.
Officer 1: Well, ya think anyone else on your planet might have seen him?
Randy: Ahhh actually I- I happen to be on the phone with all the world leaders- I- I can ask. Uh yeah, listen, these, uh, police aliens are here, and they're wondering if anyone's seen an alien named Baby Fark McGee-zax.
Hu Jintao: Uh uh no, no, we haven't seen arien.
Nicolas Sarkozy: Uh we've seen nothing here in France.
Randy: Sorry, nobody in the world has seen anything. Uh... what did this... criminal alien do, exactly?
Officer 1: He stole over 600 parsohns of space cash from the universal bank. You're absolutely sure you didn't see an alien land here?
Randy: No, we're sure.
Officer 1: So then... we're the first aliens you've ever seen?
Randy: That's right, yep, you're the first ones.
Officer 1: You don't seem that excited about your first contact with alien life.
Randy: ...Uh. That's r-. That's right! [shakes his head in mock surprise] Oh, oh my God! Hey everybody, we just made first contact!
Officer 1: [hands Randy his translucent shimmering business card] If you do see any sign of the other alien or the space cash you-
Randy: We will give you a call!
Officer 1: Mathematical semi-tonal is fine. [the space officers go back up their ramps to the ship, the ramps vanish behind them. Two blinking orbs appear above the ship and it takes off.]
Scene Description: The police ship.
Officer 1: Huh.
Officer 2: [uses both mouths] Something wrong, sir?
Officer 1: I don't know, Davert. Just somethin' about that planet didn't feel right. [blinks]
Scene Description: Back on the parking lot, Randy gives Stan the car body.
Randy: Alright son, now you just paint the racing stripe like you did before.
McGee-zax: I don't need it painted, I just need it functional, all right?! [waves the gun around]
Randy: Hey, the right paint job is a big part of what makes a Pinewood Derby car go fast!
Judge: That's true.
McGee-zax: I swear, if you don't have that thing workin' in three minutes this whole planet is done for!
Stan: Dad, it's over. We have to tell everyone we cheated.
Randy: No. I've got it all figured out, son. You have to kill the alien.
Stan: [alarmed] Kill the alien?
Randy: Sshh! I've been filing down this piece of metal into a shank. I'm gonna call him over here to look at the car, and when I do, you shove that in his neck.
Stan: No. Dad, we don't even know what'll happen.
McGee-zax: What are you two whispering about, riiight?
Randy: Oh no, that's uh that's it. We're done. Uh here. Come, come take a look.
Stan: Dad? [McGee-zax comes in for a closer look]
Randy: Here, see? Here look, look real close at the axles here. [McGee-zax studies the axles, and Stan jabs him in the neck with the shank, making him bleed and vomit profusely and then die] Yeahaah! Ahalright, you got him son!
Scene Description: The general takes the remote from McGee-zax's corpse and removes the cloak from the ship with it.
General: Alright men, check the ship. [he and a bunch of lab techs board the ship and look around]
Randy: [kneels by Stan] You see Stan? What did Daddy tell you? Everything worked out.
Stan: I guess so. It just still doesn't feel right.
Randy: But Stan, it's over now. We'll never have to lie again.
General: Hey Marsh, get in here! [Randy gets up and goes up the ramp into the ship. Stan follows.]
Scene Description: Inside the ship. The general, lab techs, and a few townsfolk are inside now. Stan and Randy make their way through the group.
Stephen: Can you believe it?
Randy: Oh my God. Spaaace caaash. [Before them is a towering pile of glittering blue bills]
General: Looks like those alien cops were right. Guess you should call them back now.
Randy: Right. [takes out his phone but has second thoughts.] Or what if we didn't call the cops?
Stephen: Huh?
Randy: Well I mean... [walks up to the pile] this is a lot of space cash, guys. Think o'what we could do with it.
Stan: No, Dad-
Mr. Garrison: He's right. We don't have to call the police back.
General: All right, let's get the cash put into boxes! [the men get to work]
Scene Description: Outside the ship. Randy is pleased with himself as he goes down the ramp. Stan follows him out.
Stan: Whoawhoawhoa Dad, what are we doing?
Randy: Will you relax, Stan? [his phone rings and he answers it]
Taro Aso: Don't think you can keep the all the space cash for yourself!
Angela Merkel: That's right! This is all of our planet; the space cash belongs to all of us!
John Howard: Either America shares that space cash with the rest of the world or we will tell the space cops!
Randy: Alright, fine, look: there's plenty of space cash to go around! [hangs up on the leaders] Thanks to us, our planet is rich, son! [the general and other federal agents take the space cash away in boxes as Randy grins]
Scene Description: Four days later, in front of the fugitive ship. Randy is on his cell phone negotiating with the other world leaders.
Randy: Oh no, China, we get to keep the ship. Because we killed the alien, you boner! Oh-oh come on England, you got just as much of the space cash as everyone else! [A siren is heard. Randy looks up to the sky and sees the space cops returning, but forgets to cloak the ship] Oh crap it's the cops! Hang on. [the police ship lands and the alien officers exit their ship] Ah hey, space officers.
Officer 1: Looks like the alien criminal did land here after all.
Randy: Oh, that- You were talking about that alien. Oh yeah that one, he was here, yeah. He landed here, but we... we killed him.
Officer 1: And so, did you find the missing space cash?
Randy: [thinks a moment] Nnno. Space cash? No. [strokes his ear, then rubs his neck with his left hand] There wasn't any space cash.
Officer 2: Well maybe someone else on your planet knows where it is?
Randy: Hey ah ah, any of you other countries see any space cash?
Vladimir Putin: No space cash.
Taro Aso: No we haven't-
Gordon Brown: No space cash.
Luiz Inácio Lula da Silva: No.
Randy: Yeah, it doesn't look like the space cash was ever here.
Officer 1: Uh huh. Guess he must have dropped it off at some other planet.
Randy: [relieved] Probably.
Officer 1: Well you folks all take care now. [the officers turn to leave, but they turn around once again] Just... one more thing, Earthlings, uh... We had some images done of your planet and it appears that one of your poorer countries - Mexico? - has built 32 new hospitals and seven water parks in the last four days.
Randy: [silent for a moment] Oh... Yeah, Mexico. You know oh, oh, yeah. All of us other countries chipped in and uh, gave Mexico some aid. Yeah they really needed... some new water parks.
Officer 1: Uh huh. Have a good day. [the officers turn and head up the ramps. The doors close and the police ship leaves the planet once again]
Randy: [gets back on the phone] Hey. Hey Mexico! We said no spending the space cash yet! [a shot of the Mexican president at his desk with a new water park right outside his window] What the hell are you doing?! Will some country that speaks Spanish yell at Mexico please? They're gonna ruin everything!
Scene Description: Stan's room, later. Stan sits on his bed and holds his trophy, but he's not happy about it. He looks at it for a long while, then gets off his bed, walks over to his toy box, and puts the trophy on the lid. He puts his hands behind his back and holds one wrist with the other hand. He then looks at newspaper clippings from the day of the race. The headlines are as follows: "FATHER AND SON SET PINEWOOD DERBY RECORD", "WARP SPEED DISCOVERED", "DAD AND SON GREET VISITORS FROM OTHER WORLD!", "DERBY WINNER KILLS ALIEN," "CHINA BUILDS 48 NEW SOCCER STADIUMS." Stan sighs silently, sadly.
Scene Description: The Marsh house, kitchen. Randy is back on the phone with the world leaders, but he's getting disheveled.
Randy: No, Japan! Will you listen to me for five seconds?! If you keep building giant robots the cops are gonna ask questions!
Taro Aso: Well then why can Engrand build a nuclear power plant?!
Randy: Nobody can build anything!!
Gordon Brown: Yeah, well, it's not even gonna matter, because Finland is thinking about telling the space cops the truth!
Randy: Wha?! Finland?! [Stan walks by the kitchen to see what's going on]
Matti Vanhanen: We believe the aliens are going to find out sooner or later what we did. It's best we come clean now.
Randy: [getting exasperated] Will you just relax, Finland?! Nobody is gonna find out anything.
Matti Vanhanen: I'm sorry, but our nation is resolved. We cannot live with the guilt anymore.
Randy: Okay okay! [Stan leaves] You're right. You're right, Finland! Okay? You're right. Can you just... let us other countries talk pr-private, for a moment?
Matti Vanhanen: Very well. [goes on hold]
Randy: All right you guys, we've gotta get rid of Finland.
Hu Jintao: Yep, we gotta take out Finrand, they gonna squeal.
John Howard: Yeah, I think we all agree. Guys? [eight leaders are shown onscreen and they all agree]
Scene Description: Outer space. Missiles from around the world begin to flow towards Finland and bomb the place.
Scene Description: The Marsh house, night. The family is having a nice quiet dinner when the police ship returns to South Park. Randy wipes his mouth dry and leaves the table.
Randy: Oh dammit!
Scene Description: The landing area. A crowd gathers again and Randy walks up to the ship.
Randy: Uh hey, space officers. How can we help you?
Officer 1: Well we're a little puzzled over one of your countries? Uh, Finland?
Randy: [rubs his neck again] Whaa-wha-what about it?
Officer 2: It appears to have been... destroyed.
Randy: [feigning surprise] Whaaat? Oh my God, not Finland.
Crowd: Oh no, not Finland.
Randy: Hey guys, Finland's dead.
Vladimir Putin: Oh no. No! Nooo.
Taro Aso: Noo, not a Finrand!
Raila Odinga: All of Finland, gone.
Randy: Yeah, somebody better break the news to Norway; they were really close.
Officer 1: None of you knew anything about Finland's destruction?
Randy: [rubs his neck again] No, I mean... Odds are, they nuked themselves. You know, suicide.
Officer 2: We didn't say anything about nukes.
Randy: Or, or whatever they did, I'm sayin'.
Stan: 'Scuse me! 'Scuse me! [the crowd makes way for him as he walks up to the ship] Everyone, I have an announcement to make. I'm giving back my Pinewood Derby trophy! [hands it to the judge]
Judge: [takes the trophy] What?
Randy: Stan?
Stan: The truth is, I don't deserve this trophy. 'Cause I cheated on my Pinewood Derby car. I used something not in the approved kit. [the crowd reacts to this admission.]
Taro Aso: Not in the approved kit?!
John Howard: He cheated on the Pinewood Derby?
Stan: This trophy isn't mine, and so I have to give it back! Because if I'm not honest now, then I'll have to keep this lie going forever. And it will just grow and grow. [everyone, including the world leaders from Kenya and South Korea, hangs on Stan's every word]
Randy: Well Stan, we're proud of you for coming clean. But it doesn't change the fact that you cheated. Go to your room, son.
Officer 1: Your son seems to have some pretty inspirational words. You sure you Earthlings have nothing else to tell us?
Randy: [gets on the phone with the other leaders] Hey uh, do we have anything else to tell the space cops?
Gordon Brown: Nope.
Nicolas Sarkozy: Nope.
Han Seung-soo: No changes.
Raila Odinga: Nope.
Vladimir Putin: No changes.
Luiz Inácio Lula da Silva: Nope.
Hu Jintao: No. Tell them no.
John Howard: No changes.
Randy: [rubs his neck] Yeah, no, we've told you everything, space officers.
Officer 1: All right, that's it then. Come on out sir, it appears to be over. [a door on the lower level of the ship drops down from the outer wall to become a ramp, and a figure stands at the entrance, then walks down the ramp. The figure looks familiar...]
Randy: [jumps back in horror] Aw shit, it's Baby Fark McGee-zax!
McGee-zax: My real name is Kevern Zaksor. I am the ambassador to new planet testing. [Stan and Randy look at each other]
Gordon Brown: What the hell are they talking about?
Kevern Zaksor: These are not space cops. [the officers remove their helmets] There is no space jail, and space cash is only worth what you as a planet decided it was worth. I mean, how stupid is your species? Space jail? Baby Fark McGee-zax?
Randy: It was... a trick?
Officer 2: Whenever a civilization discovers warp speed, we want to bring them into the Federation of Planets, but first we do the space cash test, to see if that species is worthy of joining.
Kevern Zaksor: Needless to say, you all failed. [he and the two officers go back inside the ship. He turns at his door's entrance and clears his throat] People of earth, since you did not return the space cash, your species and your planet is hereby forever blocked off and barred from the rest of the universe. Goodbye. [his door closes. The ramps all go back into the ship and the ship takes off]
Randy: No heywaitwait, no! [the ship zooms away from the planet and leaves behind two probes that evolve into a cube of energy shields] Well that sucks!


Scene Description: South Park Elementary Cafeteria, lunchtime. The boys are seated at a table and Cartman runs up to them with a map.
Cartman: You guys! You guys! We can finally do it! We can finally leave this crappy town and live the life we've all dreamed of!
Butters: We can?
Stan: What are you talking about, dude?
Cartman: Haven't you assholes been watching the news? [rolls the map flat on the table] Pirating is back, my friends. Swashbuckling adventure on the high seas! The stuff we've all dreamed about! And it's all happening right here: [points to the circled nation on the map] Somalia.
Clyde: Somalia? Where's that?
Cartman: North Africa. Just picture it, guys: clear blue water with skull islands. Waterfalls and jeweled treasure underneath.
Butters: [in thrall] Whoa.
Cartman: I've worked it all out on Expedia. [traces the route from Denver to Somalia] We can take Southwest Airlines to Miami, then Dubai Air here to Cairo, and then it's just a 49-hour bus ride into Mogadishu, with all the booty and plunder a pirate could want.
Kyle: Wow, you know, Cartman? That is an awesome idea. You should totally go to Somalia.
Cartman: Right, and wi- [stops] Wait a minute. You never think my ideas are good, Kyle.
Kyle: No, I'm being totally serious. That is the best idea you've ever had. You should run away to Mogadishu. You should go there right away. I'll even help pay for your ticket.
Cartman: Wow, cool! Wait a minute. The fuck?! Why would you do that? Unless... you're trying to trick me somehow.
Kyle: Nono, you're right. Somalia is an oasis of treasure and waterfalls. It's totally the pirate's life.
Cartman: Then why don't you wanna go?
Kyle: Well, c-cause dude, I'm Jewish, a-and you know...
Kyle, Cartman: Jews can't be pirates.
Cartman: That's true. Well, I'm glad you've finally come to terms with your disability, Kyle. [rolls up the map] Gentlemen, I'm off to start planning! [walks away]
Kyle: [puts his hands together and prays] Please. Please let him go.
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, Garrison's class. The students are in their seats. Three notes play over the PA system.
Gordon Stoltski: Good morning, students. These are the morning announcements. Teacher-parent conferences have been rescheduled to next Tuesday. [Mr. Garrison reads during the announcements] Please inform your parents. The gym is being repainted, and is closed until tomorrow afternoon. And now for a special announcement:
Cartman: Avast there, mateys! [the class looks up at the speaker] Do ya have a thirst for adventure on the high seas of life? [a shot of some kids in the hall, including sixth graders] Arrre you sick and tired of your parents and teachers telling you what to do all the time? [a shot of the kindergarten class, and its teacher] Then join Captain Cartman's Perfect Pirate Club, arrrr! [back to Mr. Garrison's class] Just imagine it, me hearties! A life without rules, without homework and chores! You can live the pirate's life in Somalia, me friends! [Kyle looks at the blackboard, his eyes half-closed. Stan begins to write stuff down] Even Kyle said so. [Kyle buries his face into his desk] Our first official pirate mee'in will be 4 pm today at Kevin Stoley's house!
Kevin: At my house? Why my house?
Cartman: There will be refreshments served! So make sure your mom goes to the grocery store, Kevinnn! So come one, come all! The invitation is open to any student who wants to be a pirate, and who isn't Jewish, Mexican or ginger! Arrrgh!
Gordon: And for lunch today, the cafeteria will be serving taco salad or hoagie sandwiches. Thank you.
Scene Description: Kevin Stoley's house, basement, just past 4. Butters is leading the meeting, as Cartman hasn't arrived yet.
Butters: Ahoy fellow club members. Congratulations on leaving your meaningless lives behind to become pirates. [only four kids showed up - Kevin, Ike, Clyde, and Gordon Stoltski] Your life of boredom is at an end, thanks to Captain Cartman. All hands on deck! [blows into a whistle. To his left, by the stairs, is a door with a sign, "Captain" on it. Cartman enters the room though that door.]
Cartman: Attention! All right, you booty lovers! So you decided to join Captain Cartman's edjeh... [sees Gordon Stoltski, then goes into a low voice] Uh, guys, who let in the g-i-n-g-e-r?
Clyde: Well, there's really not that many of us. We figured we should let him join.
Cartman: But guys, g-i-n-g-e-rs can't be pirates because they don't have souls. Please get it out of here.
Gordon: Fine, I don't wanna be a pirate anyways! [leaves his seat and goes out the stairs and out of the basement]
Cartman: Okay, anyways. Now enough small talk, lads! It's time for us to start rapin' and plunderin'!
Butters: Yeah!
Cartman: We set course tomorrow! I purchased everyone's ticket online using me mother's credit card!
Clyde: And your mom is okay with that?
Cartman: Dude, I'm a pirate! What the devil do I care what me mudder thinks anymore?
Butters: Neato!
Cartman: Alright lads! Go home and write your farewell letters to your families! The land of pirates awaits! [holds up a jeweled sword]
Butters: Pirates ho! [holds up his own small sword. The others follow suit with daggers]
Clyde, Ike: Pirates ho!
Kevin: Ho! [his sword is a lightsaber. Cartman looks at it in disbelief]
Cartman: Kevin, Goddammit! [Kevin turns off the lightsaber's light]
Scene Description: Montage. A passenger jet flies out of Denver International.
Clerk: Have a good flight. Next, please? [Cartman approaches with his crew. He hands the clerk his payment]
Cartman: We be headin' to Somaaliaa. By way of Miami to Cairo. And take care o' you put us in an exit row, you land lubber!
Clerk: [slowly] I see. You five boys are all booked through to Cairo by yourselves?
Cartman: That we be, lass. It's all paid for on me mudder's credit card.
Butters: [has second thoughts and turns around] Oh jeez. Unh I don't know if I can really go through with this.
Cartman: What?!
Butters: It's just l-leavin' everything behind, uh, uh I can't believe I'm actually doing it.
Clyde: Yeah maybe we should think about this.
Cartman: You guys, the fuck? Are you forgetting how crappy your lives are?! All the homework, the rules?! Butters, do you really wanna just go back to school, where people just make fun of you?
Butters: Huh, who, you mean you?
Cartman: Yes! Do you really wanna go back to that?!
Butters: No, I'm sick of it!
Cartman: Well all right then, fag! We can't turn back now! The path to adventure lies just beyond this ticket counter! And if you four have really come all this way just to turn back now, then seriously you guys, the FUCK?
Butters: He's right, lads. To adventure!
Scene Description: The flight path is shown. It follows the path Cartman traced on the map. Butters is giddy looking out the window. As the plane crosses the Atlantic the boys play in their seats. Once the plane reaches Cairo, the boys transfer onto a bus and go south across Egypt, Sudan, Ethiopia, and finally Somalia, ending in Mogadishu. A shot of the city from the air, looking east. The bus stops and everyone gets off. The road underneath it is dusty. The boys walk away from the bus, then it rolls off. They can't believe what they see.
Clyde: This is Somalia?
Butters: Where's all the waterfalls and shi-and shipwreck lagoons?
Cartman: The FUCK?! [some Somalis notice them and stop to look] 'Scuse me, where are the pirates? [stops a man walking by] Hey, hey we're looking for the pirates? Where can we find the-uh! [the man ignores him and keeps on walking.] Butters, get the phrase book out. [Butters approaches with the phrase book in hand] Ask these people where the pirates are.
Butters: Uhh, [mumbles a bit] mahjey burazi?
Somali 1: Burad. Iyaja dene zaredeko.
Somali 2: Buradi wakuwasa.
Butters: Oh. He-he says they're in there. [points to his left. A mustard-colored building is being defended by two guards.]
Cartman: Ah, nice. Come on, mateys! [the boys turn and walk towards the building]
Somali 2: Mayasuk! Hageha-aden! Letka suwahater! [Translation: "No! wait! Don't go in there! Those people are dangerous!"]
Cartman: Yes, bebebudjuhbluhbluhbluhbluh. Thank you. [dismissing the warning, he and his crew continue on to the building.]
Scene Description: The pirates' lair. They go about their business until they notice the boys enter. Cartman walks on into the middle of the lair.
Cartman: Avast! [no one else says a word. In a low voice, he says] These aren't pirates, they're just a bunch of black people.
Scene Description: The following is taken from the episode, as they are English subtitles.
Pirate 1: "Is this some kind of joke?"
Pirate 2: "I don't know what the fuck this is!"
Cartman: I am Captain Cartman and this here be my terrible crew! We be lookin' for a ship to pirate with.
Pirate 1: "These white children will bring a high price in ransom money!"
Pirate 2: "Take them out to the nearest European boat! Show them we have children hostages!" [surrounding pirates stand up with their rifles]
Cartman: Yes, very nice. Apparently, these are the pirates.
Scene Description: The pirates' bay. Several pirates walk the boys down the dock.
Pirate 3: [wearing a #13 jersey] "Move it! Go over that way!"
Pirate 4: [wearing a mustard-colored shirt] "We will get a nice ransom for you!" [the fifth pirate wears a black shirt]
Cartman: Oh, excellent! They're taking us to a ship. Once we commandeer our vessel the plundering will be easy indeed, lads. [they all stop next to a small boat]
Pirate 3: "Get on board!"
Pirate 4: "Do it now!" [the boys turn to see the boat the pirates want them on]
Cartman: This... is your pirate boat? Dude, the FUCK! Alright, seriously you guys? What kind of pirates are you? I mean, really? The FUCK, dude, the FUCK?!
Pirate 3: "Get on the boat now!"
Pirate 4: "Move!"
Cartman: Alright lads, guess we'll have to settle with this meager ship. Two of you sit aft and two of you sit in the front.
Kevin: I gotta sit middle 'cause I get motion sickness. [the other boys climb in and all four end up on the same row]
Cartman: Kevin, Jesus Christ! [a pirate starts the motor and the boat moves forward] Hard to starboard, lads! There's sure to be lots of booties out hyah! [Clyde begins to cry] Clyde, the fuck?!
Clyde: You said there was gonna be crystal clear lagoons and treasure and plunderrrr! [continues crying]
Cartman: Calm down, Clyde. Everything's gonna be okay!
Clyde: No it's not! You made me run away to be a pirate and there's not even any treasure!
Cartman: Ike, will you do something about Clyde, please? [Ike looks at Clyde and smacks him. Clyde stops crying] Very nice, Ike. [looks ahead] All right me hearties! Keep your eyes open for boats to plunder! [before them is a French cruise ship]
Scene Description: The French cruise ship, day.
French Captain: "Keep your eyes open, Mr. Leon. These waters are full of renegades and thieves."
Mr. Leon: [ship's navigator] "Yes, Captain!" [an alarm sounds and the captain leaves the bridge to find out what's going on.]
Deck Hand: [sees the captain and approaches] "Captain! We have an unknown vessel approaching quickly to port!"
French Captain: "Damn pirates! Alert the crew! All hands on deck!" [the little boat pulls up next to the cruise ship. The captain and his crew gather in front of the bridge and the captain looks at the pirates through his binoculars]
Pirate 5: [through a bullhorn] "We demand ransom for these children! Pay us or we will kill them!"
French Captain: "They've got CHILDREN HOSTAGES!"
Cruise Attendant: "My God!"
French Captain: "Get the U.N. on the radio. Advise them of the situation."
Pirate 5: "We want 5,000 Euros! You easily have that much on board!"
Cartman: Du-dude! You're doing it all wrong! Let me handle this. [takes the bullhorn from him] Alright ya scalliwags! Surrender your plunder and let me send my shot across your bow!
Pirate 4: [moves over to Cartman and aims his rifle at him] "We are going to start killing them! Starting with the fat one!"
Cartman: Yeah that's good, but now go ARRRGH!
Butters: ARRRRRRGH!
Scene Description: Kyle's house, day. Kyle is looking mighty relaxed now that Cartman is gone. He's in the living room talking on the phone with Stan.
Kyle: Yeah? Okay, and you checked with Kenny and Token? He's not just staying at their houses?
Stan: [in the kitchen at his house] No, dude, everyone's checked. I think Cartman really ran away to Somalia.
Kyle: Yes! I can't help but take some credit for this. I helped convince him to go!
Stan: You really think he'll die in Somalia?
Kyle: [chuckles] Oh for sure, dude! It's the most God-forsaken place on the planet! Things are finally gonna be normal around here.
Sheila: [voice only, but soon comes down the stairs with Gerald behind her] Oh God! Oh God, what did we do wrong, Gerald?! [She has a letter in her hand. Kyle's happiness vanishes]
Gerald: Take it easy. We'll find him.
Kyle: I'll call you back. [hangs up. Sheila approaches him.]
Sheila: Oh Kyle, he's gone! Your little brother's run away from home!
Kyle: What? Are you sure?
Sheila: He left a note saying he's never coming back.
Kyle: [takes the note and reads it aloud] "Dear Mommy and Daddy: I am running away. I am sorry, but I can no longer handle the monotony of middle-class life. Everyone at school is a fucking idiot, and if one more person talked to me about that Susan Boyle performance of Les Misérables I was going to puke my balls out through my mouth. I love you all, but I have to move on. I'm going to Somalia to be a-" to be a pirate?! Oh shit!
Sheila: Oh Gerald, what are we gonna do?
Gerald: It's alright, he couldn't have gone far. Let's call the other kids' houses. [leaves with Sheila and the phone]
Kyle: Oh God. What have I done?
Scene Description: The French cruise ship, day.
Pirate 4: "We are growing impatient! Give us what we want or they die!"
Cartman: The FUCK are you pirates doing?! Are we gonna plunder them or not?!
French Captain: "Alright! Alright! We are going to give you what you want! But you must hand over the children UNHARMED!"
Pirate 5: "The money first!" [a crewman throws down a bag of money to the small boat and one of the pirates catches it and opens it. A rope ladder is unfurled so the boys could climb up to the cruise ship] "Go! Get on the boat! Move!"
Cartman: Alright, let's go! [the boys go up the ladder and board the ship]
Cruise Attendant: "We got 'em - They're safe!" [the pirate boat turns and zooms away]
French Captain: [to the pirates] "Your crimes will not go unpunished!" [turns and faces the kids] "Are you kids alright?"
Cruise Attendant: "Did they hurt you?"
Cartman: Quiet, you sons of biscuit eaters! This boat is now pirate propertih! Now get ye to your lifeboat, lest you wanna be shark bait!
French Captain: "What is this?!"
Cartman: Plunder the booty, lads! This ship is ours!
Butters: Okay! [runs off to plunder]
Cartman: I said, get off my boat!
French Captain: "Hey! You can't order us around!" [Kevin walks up with his lightsaber and turns it on. The captain and crew jump back. Kevin waves it around, Cartman rolls his eyes to the right, and the captain and crew move in that direction. They all head to a lifeboat]
French Captain and crew: [Talking over each other] Qu'est qu'il passe!? Mon Dieu! ("What's going on!? My God!")
Cartman: That's it! Get in there you swarmy dogs! [the captain and crew get on the lifeboat] Lower 'em down, Ike. [Ike lowers the lifeboat to the ocean]
French Captain: "Scoundrels! You will pay for this!"
Butters: Have a good day! [the lifeboat is safely on the water. Cartman quickly begins to make changes. The French flag comes down and the skull and bones one goes up. Cartman walks up to the the ship's bow]
Cartman: Hard to port, lads!
Clyde: [relaying the message] Hard to port!
Butters: [at the wheel. Ike stands on a stool next to him] What's "port"?!
Cartman: Just make the boat go that way, kind of. [the ship ends up turning towards shore, towards the pirates' lair.]
Scene Description: Pirate's lair, docks. The 3 Somali pirates have just finished tying up their boat when they stop and look towards the sea. The ship's horn blows and the ship heads towards the dock, with Cartman standing at the bow.
Cartman: That's good. Now bring her around topside. [the cruise ship pulls up alongside the pier and lowers the rope ladder. The boys get off the ship and head back to the lair. Cartman stops for a moment and points it out to the pirates] Now that's a pirate ship!
Scene Description: Pirate's lair, bar. Armed Somali pirates are sitting around and chatting with each other.
Cartman: [the boys head enter the bar] A fine day o' plunderin' we had, boys! What about yourselves? [starts tossing wads of cash at pirates] Here you are, lads. Plenty of booty to go around. [walks to an open table and has the boys sit there] A round of grog for me boys! [a pirate brings drinks to the table and passes them out] A round of grog for everyone! [the pirate leaves] The fuck is this? This is water in a Dixie cup! Alright, Goddammit, really you guys! What kind of pirates are you?! Look at yourselves! You disgrace the Blackbeard! I don't know where you people get off calling yourselves pirates! [gets up and walks around] Little beat-up boats, water in Dixie cups. I mean, I mean look, look at this guy! [the pirate he's looking at has lost his left leg from the knee down] Look at this guy for Christ's sake! [rips a leg from a chair and ties it up the pirate's left leg] I mean, how hard is this, people?! [the pirate grins and hobbles away with his new peg leg. Cartman walks back to the boys' table, then stands on it] I tell you lads, if we're gonna be the most feared people on Earth, then there needs to be some Goddamned changes around here! Weee drink and we pillage and we do what we please! We get all that we want for free!
Cartman, Butters: We'll kick your ass and rape your lass. Somalian pirates we! So with a yo ho ho! [No one says a thing]
Cartman: [sighs] Goddamnit people! With a yo ho ho!
Pirates: [awkwardly] Yo ho ho.
Cartman: And with a yee hee hee!
Pirates: [awkwardly] Yee hee hee.
Cartman: We take to the African sea! We'll brave the squalls and bust your balls Somalian pirates we!
Pirates: Somalian pirates we.
Scene Description: Butters mops the deck with the pirates. Cartman leads other pirates off the ship with fresh booty. Other pirates build up a sand sculpture of a giant skull. Next, they paint "Beware!" on the cruise ship. Butters walks up to Ike, who puts a tri-corner hat on a Somali pirate. Nearby, pirates carry barrels of "ALE" between them.
Together: We left our homes and we left our mudders to go on a pillagin' spree! We'll cut off your ears and break your toes and make you drink our pee! And if you sail into our waters, you best hear this decree: We'll take your boat, set your ass afloat!
Scene Description: One of the barrels has another pirate in it.
Pirate: Somalian pirate we.
Cartman: Nice. And with a yo ho ho!
Scene Description: A shot of the sand sculpture.
Pirates: Yo ho ho!
Scene Description: A shot Clyde and Kevin raising the flag on the flagpole, then of Cartman nailing down the lair's new name: Skull Cove.
Cartman: And a tricky lahty do!
Pirates: Tricky lahty do!
Scene Description: Cartman makes a choir out of the pirates and conducts them.
Cartman, Choir: We'll shoot you in the face with glee! Then we'll cut off your ears-
Cartman: Okay okay, let's stop there for a minute. Remember, on tricka lahty do, that's a "lahty do" Okay, really need you guys to enunciate the "lahty" Uh, Nadif, if I can get you and Abdikaram to sing the harmony on the second "yo ho". And uh, Hashmish, is it? I'm sorry, but you're a little flat. Remember to sing out, don't close your throat, m'kay? So let's go from uh, bar 14. We'll pick up after the quarter rest. Ike? [Ike is at a spinet piano]
Pirate Choir: Somalian pirates we.
Cartman: Better! With a yo ho ho!
Scene Description: Cartman looks out over the cove with a telescope from the crow's nest. The cruise ship, now called "The Black Diamond," pulls up along another French ship and force its crew to surrender. Cartman pours water over a lazy crocodile.
Choir: Yo ho ho!
Cartman: And a tricky lahty do!
Choir: Tricky lahty do!
Cartman, Choir: We'll shoot you in the face with glee! Then we'll cut off your cock and feed it to a croc.
Ike: Somalian pirates we.
Scene Description: Ike sets off a coconut cannonball, but the coconut simply falls out. Next is the big finish, with everyone gathered around Cartman on the beach.
Pirate Choir: Somaliaaan piiiraaates weeeeee.
Cartman: Somaliaaan piiiraaates weeeeee.
Scene Description: Off shore is a tanker called "Paolo." The French crew is now on board with cups of water and draped in blankets, and the tanker's captain is on the phone with the U.N.
Paolo Captain: We found them adrift in a lifeboat, sir. They say that pirates took their ship by force.
U.N. Leader: Damn pirates! What's causing them to suddenly be so much more active? Is the crew okay?
Paolo Captain: Yes sir. They're French, so they surrendered immediately. [addresses the crew] Once the pirates boarded your ship how did they force you off?
French Captain: Il avait un lightsabeur. ("He had a lightsaber")
Cruise Attendant: Oui. Un lightsabeur. ("Yes. A lightsaber")
Deck Hand: Le lightsabeur - terrible. ("The lightsaber...it was terrible")[does lightsaber sound effects, then sobs.]
Paolo Captain: Sir, the pirates appear to have forced the French crew off their boat with a lightsaber.
U.N. Leader: My God, pirates are getting better-equipped every day! Gentlemen, I want the President of the United States on the phone. We can no longer fight the pirates on the seas. We have to take them out where they live.
Scene Description: Skull Cove, later. Cartman enjoys a drink from a coconut shell.
Cartman: What did I tell you, Butters? This is the good life, huh? [a shot is heard, followed by commotion from the pirates. Cartman and the boys walk over to a crowd of pirates gathered around something] What's going on?
Pirate 6: "We have a hostage!"
Pirate 7: "Another American arrived on the bus!"
Cartman: Ahhh, good. A hostage will bring a fine ransom. [the crowd splits in two and Kyle is shown. Kyle is tied up so he can't use his arms. Ike looks happy to see Kyle.] Well well well well well!
Scene Description: A news flash.
Announcer: This is CNN... N.
Anchorman: Breaking news of yet another pirate crisis in Somalia. Members of NATO received word today that pirates have captured an American child and are demanding ten million Euros for his safe release. U.S Navy ships have been deployed and the pirate standoff is about to get ugly.
Scene Description: Skull Cove, later. Cartman paces back and forth with confidence.
Cartman: Well well well well well well well well well Kyle! You came all this way to try and join my pirate club.
Kyle: No, fatass, I came to get my brother! We all have to get out of here! It isn't safe.
Cartman: "It isn't safe." That's not what you said back in the cafeteria, Kyle. In the cafeteria you said Somalia was "awesome."
Kyle: I know! I was lying then!
Cartman: Or are you lying now? So many lies, Kyle, you can't even keep them straight. You just couldn't stand that we were living in paradise while you were back home.
Kyle: This isn't paradise and you know it! The people here are starving and dying! The whole world has used Somalia as a dumping ground for toxic waste. Even the fish here are radioactive! [a fish walks out of the water on hind legs, squawks, turn around and goes back into the ocean] Cartman, just give me my brother [Cartman turns around and faces Kyle] and let us get out of here!
Cartman: Your brother is with Butters taking inventory of our latest plunder, Kyle. You... just sit tight till we hear about your ransom money, hmhmm.
Scene Description: Inside the pirates' lair, Butters and Ike stock a French tool box. Butters announces the items and hands them to Ike.
Butters: One box of Italian passports. One necklace, gold. Three crewmember watches.
Pirate 4: [walks up to the two boys] Ey excuse me. Can I ask you a question?
Butters: Oh. Uhuh sure, Galeed.
Galeed: Why did you Americans come here?
Butters: Well, 'cause our lives sucked back home! We had all these rules and homework.
Ike: Yeah, homework.
Butters: And our parents hollered at us!
Ike: Yeah.
Butters: So we wanted to come here and be pirates.
Ike: Piewets!
Galeed: But that's what I do not understand. Why would anyone "want" to be a pirate?
Butters: Huh?
Galeed: Every day I dream that I can go to school. Learn about the world. But my mother, she is dyin' of AIDS, and there is no money for medicine. My father was killed trying to find food for us. Do you know how I feel every time we try to capture a boat? Scared. And not just scared because I might get killed, but scared because if I don't get something out of it, my family and friends are going to die. I don't want to be a pirate. I don't see how anybody would. [turns and quickly runs out of the lair.]
Ike: Oh my God. [rests his head against a chair]
Butters: Jeez. Guess we kind of got put in our place, huh Ike?
Ike: I feel, like an asshole.
Butters: Yeah, me too.
Scene Description: Outside on the cove, Cartman has Kyle on the makeshift plank above the crocodile.
Cartman: Go on! Walk the plank, you scurvy dog!
Kyle: Cartman, knock it off!
Cartman: That's Captain Cartman, you Jewswoggle!
Pirate 6: "Do you think all American kids are as crazy as these are?"
Pirate 8: "It's starting to look that way."
Butters: [runs up to Eric with Ike in tow] Eric! Hey Eric. Listen, we wanna go home.
Cartman: What?!
Butters: Me and Ike, well, we've been talkin' and, well guys, we really had it pretty good back in America. I mean, sure, it's easy to think our lives are boring and full of rules, but a lot of people have it way worse. The pirate's life isn't a life of fun and adventure, it's a life of hardship and suffering. When you get down to it, well we were pretty lucky to have the lives we did. [Clyde begins to cry again]
Cartman: Clyde!
Clyde: I hate it here and I wanna go home!! [begins to bawl]
Cartman: [threatens the other three boys with his sword; they back down] You guys cannot leave the pirate club now! How can you not want to stay in this paradise we've created?! In Somalia, people have no laws! They have no rules! And they never grow old!
Kyle: They never grow old because they die before they're 30!
Cartman: Nobody's goin' anywhere!! I'm the captain of this outfit! [whistles] To arms! [the real pirates gather around and aim their rifles at the boys] Now, is there any question who's in charge? I have an entire pirate crew willing to do anything for me!
Pirate 5: "Hey, what's that?" [in the distance a U.S. ship gets into position]
Commander: Alright men, remember, do not hit the white ones!
Cartman: Me and my crew are gonna go on piratin' forever! [a volley of bullets takes down all the pirates, leaving the six boys unharmed. The boys look at the carnage around them]
Sniper: [several seconds later] Clear.
Cartman: The FUCK?!


Scene Description: The Broflovski house, night.
Gerald: [voice over] You have been very very naughty! [a shot of Kyle's parents having sex in bed] You're a naughty girl! [begins to grunt with every thrust]
Sheila: Oh yes, Gerald! I've been so naughty! [joins in the grunting for a few seconds] Ah, oh, oh, oh jeez! Oh! [their bedroom door opens]
Gerald: [quickly turns around and faces the door] What the?! ...Ike! [Ike is at the bedroom entrance looking scared. He's dragging a puppy plushie around] Ike, get back to bed right now!
Ike: I'm scared. There's a ghost.
Gerald: Uh, not this again. [angrily] Ike, we are sick of you talking about ghosts!
Ike: But, Daddy, I saw the-
Gerald: No buts! Get back to your room right now and don't come out! You got it?! [Ike turns left and walks out of view, his head hanging]
Sheila: Gerald, what has gotten into him?
Gerald: [sighing] Hoh, I don't know. I think maybe with all the news of famous people dying this summer, he just freaked himself out.
Scene Description: Ike's room, moments later. The moon fills the room with dim light and a tree outside the window casts a moving shadow onto Ike's bed. Ike sits in his bed nervously. He looks outside the window, and the tree's branches rap at his window in the high wind. Ike looks around and shuts his eyes. His mobile playset begins to turn slowly. A loud sound wakes Ike and then he gasps. A ghost makes its way towards the window from outside, passes through it slowly, then lunges at him. As soon as the ghost is at the foot of the bed, it becomes recognizable as Billy Mays, the late TV pitchman.
Billy Mays: Hi, Billy Mays here for Megascrub Cleanser.
Ike: AAAAAAAAA!
Billy Mays: Are you tired of your kitchen counters getting those nasty stains? Don't just rub 'em, Megascrub 'em!
Ike: Billy Mays, NO! [jumps out of bed and runs into his closet. The camera pans out...]
Billy Mays: [...and Billy is in the closet too] Mold, mildew, even those impossible wine stains are gone in a flash when you snipe them away.
Ike: [runs out of the closet, through his room, and into the hallway.] MMOOMMMYYY! [runs towards the stairs and passes another room. Another celebrity appears in the entrance] AAAAAA! Farrah Fawcett! Farrah Fawcett! [runs to a door opposite the room and opens it. A man appears hanging from the ceiling in that room, wearing fishnet stockings] AAAAAA! David Carradine! [runs away from that room and heads for the stairs, but stops in his tracks and gasps]
Billy Mays: [walking up the stairs] Hi, Billy Mays here for Mighty Mend It, the fast and easy way to mend, hem, and wear it again. [Ike backs away towards his room]
Ike: NOOOOO!
Kyle: [comes out of his room] Ike! Ike, what?!
Ike: Make Billy Mays go away! Make Billy Mays go away! [Kyle looks, but nothing is there] Make him stop! [buries his face in Kyle's shoulder. Kyle consoles him] Make him stop, Kyle!
Scene Description: The office of one D. Land, Ph. D., Psychiatrist, day. Inside, the psychiatrist has Ike on a couch and is trying to get him to open up.
Dr. Land: Now, Ike, your family is very worried about you. Ike, you can talk to me. I'm a therapist. Whatever has been troubling you, it's okay.
Ike: No, it's... it's a secret.
Dr. Land: Ike, tell me your secret. I promise not to tell anyone else.
Ike: [turns his head to the right to look at the doctor] I see dead... ce-le-bri-ties.
Dr. Land: You mean, you see dead celebrities on TV? In the news?
Ike: I see them walking around. They talk to me.
Dr. Land: Are you seeing any dead celebrities right now?
Ike: Just Ed McMahon. [Ed McMahon's ghost looks at Ike over Dr. Land's right shoulder, then turns right and walks off]
Dr. Land: How often do you see dead celebrities?
Ike: All the time. [blinks a few times]
Scene Description: Cartman's house, day. Cartman has the remote control and is flipping through channels.
Cartman: 'Sup, Jew?
Kyle: Guys, Ike has gotten worse. I'm really worried about him. He says he's still seeing dead celebrities.
Cartman: HA! What a dumbass!
Kenny: (What do you think is wrong with him?)
Kyle: I don't know. Last night we found him hiding in the kitchen pantry. He was screaming the name "Billy Mays" over and over again.
Cartman: Billy Mays? Billy Mays?! [hops off the sofa] Dude, you didn't tell us Ike was seeing Billy Mays!
Kyle: What?
Cartman: Your little brother saw the ghost of Billy Mays?
Stan: Dude, I don't even know who that is.
Cartman: The guy on TV who had incredible things for people to buy? He died four months ago but they still show his commercials all the time? Oh, oh for the love of Christ, here! [quickly flips through the channels until a Billy Mays commercial appears] Here here! This, this is him!
Scene Description: Commercial. Mays is in a laundry room.
Billy Mays: Hi, Billy Mays here with another fantastic product. If you're like other Americans, you love to eat Chipotle [shows off two Chipotle burritos], but you hate all those terrible bloodstains in your underwear. [shows off bloodstained underwear]
Man 1: [holding a burrito in his right hand] I love Chipotle. But getting all the bloodstains out of my underwear is a nightmare. [a shriek is added for emphasis]
Billy Mays: [now near a washer and dryer] Well now there's a product that can clean even bloodstains caused by Chipotle right off your underwear. Chipotl-away. [shows off the bottle, which says Chipotlaway. What follows is a demonstration of how the product works] Just one Chipotle burrito [shown] can leave up to a quarter cup of underwear blood [a quarter cup of red liquid is poured onto the briefs], but Chipotl-away [a couple of squirts of it makes the liquid vanish] makes your underwear clean [a towel is used to remove the liquid and product] and ready for more. [a man is shown stocking up on briefs, but they slip from his arms] Stop buying new underwear every time you eat Chipotle. That can cost you thousands. Chipotl-away gets rid of bloodstains and leaves underwear good as new. [a pair of black hands smooths some briefs out over a table, then puts the Chipotle burrito on it] Imagine having underwear so clean you can practically eat off of it.
Man 2: [leans down towards the burrito and smiles at the camera] Mmm, Chipotle. [gives a thumbs up and begins to eat off his underwear]
Billy Mays: Now you can eat all the Chipotle you want [two women eat burritos on a park bench.], and still have underwear that sparkles and shines [one of the women holds up a pair of clean panties, which sparkle and shine]. Order right now!
Scene Description: TV promo.
Cartman: That product changed my life. It really works. I use it all the time.
Kyle: What?! Are you serious?!
Cartman: Look Kyle, if there's even a chance that Billy Mays' soul is not at rest, then I wanna help however I can.
Kyle: Dude, why the hell would you DO that?!
Cartman: Because he was a great person, Kyle.
Kyle: NO, why the hell would you keep eating something that made you crap blood?!
Cartman: ...Dude, have you had Chipotle? It's really good. You guys, we have to help Kyle's brother and get to the bottom of this. And I think I know just who to call...
Scene Description: An episode of Ghost Hunters.
Announcer: On this episode of Ghost Hunters [a cemetery is shown]: a little boy in Colorado appears to be haunted by celebrities. [a shot of Ike floating across the screen, with various backdrops behind him] Now the Ghost Hunter team will roll out and get to the bottom of it. It's the gayest show in the fucking world; Ghost Hunters!
Jason: Alright, tell us what we got this week, Kris.
Kris: We're going to Colorado to investigate celebrity paranorm-
Jason: Wait, what? What was that? What was that?
Grant: I heard it too. It was like a, like a ...*pop*
Jason: Is there a ghost here?
Scene Description: TAPS heads out to South Park in two SUVs.
Jason: Alright, so you say a little boy is seeing the ghosts?
Kris: Yeah, apparently only he is seeing them.
Jason: Doyuh ssh ssh. What, what is that? Do you hear that?! There, there look. What is that? What is that?
Grant: I think that's just a cigarette lighter.
Jason: Oh, right, okay. May be.
Scene Description: TAPS has made it to South Park. They are in the Broflovski house at night, in the dark. No lights are on except for flashlights.
Jason: We are now inside the house where the celebrity ghosts have been spotted. Whoa whoa what? What was that? What was that?
Kyle: What was what?
Jason: Did you hear that? It was like a... it was like a... dee.. Is there a spooky ghost here?? Uh LOOK. What is that? What is that?? [a shot of the Broflovskis living room TV]
Grant: I'm pretty sure that's their television.
Jason: Oh man I am really scared. [looks at his groin. Grant's flashlight and the camera quickly aim at it] Whoa whoa whoa whoa! What is this? What is this? There's a, there's a, a wetness coming from my pants! [he peed his pants]
Grant: I see it!
Jason: W... what is it?!
Grant: Oh God I'm so scared! [begins to whimper] I'm so scared.
Jason: Look! Look, it's got you too! [points to Grant's groin, then says to the cameraman] Are you getting this? Make sure the camera is getting this. Definitely some paranormal activity!
Grant: It's warm, and moist. A warm moist sensation that's moving down my left thigh. [the urine reaches the floor and starts spreading out]
Jason: Look, it's starting to form a, a a pool around the floor now. Are you getting this??
Stan: Are you guys fucking serious?
Jason: Oh God, the paranormal activity is now leaving a, a trail of some kind behind both of us! [such melodrama!]
Grant: Hoh! Something... hot, and and, warm is coming out the back of my pants now. [Well...]
Jason: Oh it smells!
Scene Description: The Broflovski house, outside. The front door opens and the four ghost hunters run out screaming.
TAPS: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Scene Description: The Broflovski house, inside. The lights are back on. Ike hangs his head and walks off to his left, sighing. He sits down on the bottom steps of the stairs. Kyle follows him and sits next to him.
Kyle: Ya see Ike? There's nothing. There's nothing for you to be afraid of.
Billy Mays: [his ghost suddenly appears with a new pitch] Hi, Billy Mays here for the Big City Slider Station.
Kyle: It's all just in your head, Ike.
Billy Mays: The fast and easy way to press and cook delicious sliders.
Ike: AAAAA. AAAAAAAAAAA!! [the other boys look at each other]
Scene Description: Children's Hospital of Denver, night. Ike is in a recovery room while the older boys wait in the lobby on red couches.
Kyle: I just... don't understand it.
Stan: It's gonna be alright, Kyle.
Kyle: But, dude this doesn't make any sense. I mean, if you know it's going to make you crap blood, why wouldn't you at least just try eating less of it?
Cartman: Because, dude, that's what I'm saying. You have the Chipotlaway so it doesn't matter.
Kyle: But of course it matters, because you should be concerned there's blood in your underwear. [to Stan] Do you understand this?
Stan: Dude, I don't understand at all. I eat Chipotle all the time and it never made me crap blood.
Cartman: Ohh well how nice for you, Stan. It's great you've got a golden rectum of the gods, but the rest of us need Chipotlaway.
Dr. Carroll: Well boys, little Ike is stable, but the celebrity ghosts appear to have sent him into some kind of coma.
Stan: Whoa whoa wait, there really are ghosts?
Dr. Carroll: Well of course there really are ghosts. Haven't you seen that show Ghost Hunters? But I'm a pediatric doctor, so I'm going to hand this off to Dr. Phillips, who specializes in spooky things. [Dr. Phillips, a female, walks in and addresses the boys]
Dr. Phillips: The ghosts of these celebrities are at deep unrest. I've never sensed anything like it. [Stan and Kyle look at each other as Dr. Carroll walks away] I believe these celebrity ghosts are still roamin' the world, reachin' out through the child because they are lost in purgatory.
Kyle: Purgatory? What's that?
Dr. Phillips: [steps closer to the boys] Sometimes when people die, they can't quite accept what has happened to them. And so before they reach the afterlife, they go to a place called "purgatory." It is a temporary plane of existence. It's neither heaven, nor hell. Purgatory is like... being on an airplane that's waiting to take off, but you're still sitting at the gate. And even though the plane isn't taking off, they won't let you back off the plane. And you can't get up to go to the bathroom, because you're on an active runway. All these dead celebrities are sittin' on the plane waiting and wantin' to move on, but for whatever reason, they are stuck without any information, even from the pilot, how much longer it's going to be, and it's taking forever. And they aren't serving any drinks yet. It's like, a terrifying limbo.
Cartman: [concerned] Oh my God... poor Billy Mays...
Scene Description: Ike's room. Dr. Phillips turns on the various monitors to measure Ike's vital signs... and to call out the ghosts.
Dr. Phillips: I am speakin to the celebrities that are hauntin' this child. If any spirit can hear my voice, make your presence known. [the needles on an Ectograph 500 begin to move back and forth, producing some readings]
Billy Mays: [only his voice is heard] Hi, Billy Mays here with another fantastic product.
Cartman: Billy Mays! [makes his way to the front of the group] It's him!
Billy Mays: Are you tired of having to put your toilet seat down?
Cartman: Yes! Yes I am, Billy Mays!
Walter Cronkite: No! Be quiet, Billy Mays! Somebody is trying to contact us!
Dr. Phillips: To which celebrity am I addressin' now?
Walter Cronkite: This, is Walter Cronkite.
Dr. Phillips: All you celebrities need to know that you have passed on.
Farrah Fawcett: We know that!
DJ AM: Yeah! Of course we know that!
Patrick Swayze: There's only one person here who's not cooperating!
Walter Cronkite: That's right! Now just admit you're dead and sit down!
Michael Jackson: ...No, that's ignorant! I'm not dead.
Stan: Uh oh.
Walter Cronkite: You are dead!
Michael Jackson: No, I just have a skin condition.
Dr. Phillips: Boys, quickly! Convince Michael Jackson that he's dead.
Kyle: What?
Dr. Phillips: He's in denial. He's been in denial all his life. Now tell him or you're gonna lose your little brother.
Kyle: Mister... Jackson, y-you aren't alive. You're in purgatory.
Michael Jackson: Nooo, you're being ignorant. I'm alive. And I'm a child. And I'm white.
Kyle: Mr. Jackson, please, you're causing a lot of problems.
Billy Mays: Hi, Billy Mays here for the Super Sweeper.
The Boys (except Cartman) and Dr. Phillips: Shut up, Billy Mays!
Stan: You're dead, Mr. Jackson!
Michael Jackson: No, that's, that's just ignorant.
Stan: Accept it! [the various machines start convulsing and sparking]
Michael Jackson: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Dr. Phillips: He's in too much denial! [a ball of plasma condenses in front of her and shoves her out a window on the top floor of the hospital.] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! [She flies through the air across the street and lands a half block away in the middle of another street. She dies on impact. The boys then gather around Ike and pull the wires off his face]
Kyle: Ike! Ike! Wake up buddy! Wake up! Ike, you've gotta wake up, please! [Ike's eyes slowly open] Eh there you go. That's good. [Ike looks around] Oh Ike. I thought I lost you, little brother.
Ike: [with Michael Jackson's voice] Nooo. No, that's ignorant. [the boys' jaws drop] Oh look everyone, I told you I was alive.
Kyle: Hey! What the hell are you doing inside my little brother?!
Ike: Wee, I'm a child! [jumps up] I knew I was a child. See? Come on, let's play! Let's go climb a tree! [jumps off the bed and runs out of the room]
Kenny: (Holy shit, dude!)
Kyle: Come back here! [the boys give chase]
Scene Description: A park across the street from Children's Hospital of Denver, night. Ike runs to a tree in the park and tries to climb it.
Kyle: Hey! Heeey!
Ike: Come on, let's climb the tree! Hee hee!
Stan: Mr. Jackson, you can't do this! This is not your body!
Ike: Noo, I'm a little white child. Let's play! [hops off the tree trunk and starts dancing] Hee! Hee hee! [begins to moonwalk] Hee hee hee! [arrives at the swing set and hops on a swing]
Kyle: Dude, asshole, you're keeping a lot of other celebrities in purgatory!
Cartman: Including the late and very talented Billy Mays!
Ike: No, that's ignorant. People are just ignorant and they lie and spread rumors about me. Like, that I'm dead. But if I was dead, how could I do this? [hops off the swing and dances some more] Hoo! Dawdaby daw! Shamon! [Kyle looks at his friends and leads them away out of Ike's earshot]
Kyle: What the hell are we going to do??
Ike: [still dancing] Jou know! Jou know it! Hee hee!
Scene Description: The Plane of Purgatory.
Ed McMahon: Come on, this is ridiculous! How much longer do we have to sit in purgatory?!
Passengers: Come on! Come on! This is ridiculous! Come on!
Flight Attendant: [into an intercom mic] Ladies and gentlemen, we thank you for your patience. I've been informed that we are going to be delayed at least another 96 hours.
Passengers: AWWWWWWWW!
DJ AM: Yo, you can't just keep people stuck like this, man!
Flight Attendant: We know that you are all excited to cross over to the next plane, but for now you have to stay on this one.
Walter Cronkite: That's it! I have to go to the bathroom!
Flight Attendant: Sir, you have to stay in your seat with your seatbelt fastened!
Walter Cronkite: You've been saying that for three months now! [sits back down]
Scene Description: The four boys are now in Stan's room, and Stan is browsing around for information.
Stan: Alright, let's see: demonic ghosts, animal ghosts...
Kenny: (No, scroll down some more, scroll down some more.)
Stan: ...setting traps for ghosts, no...
Kyle: [still trying to make sense of Cartman's ...problem] Okay, here's the one part that really makes no sense to me: [puts both his hands on the table and spreads his fingers out] the first time you saw blood stains on your underwear, were you alarmed?
Cartman: [rolls his eyes up in thought] Was I alarmed? [closes his eyes] Yes. [opens them and looks at Kyle] I believe I was.
Kyle: So then why do you just ignore it using something as stupid as Chipotaway?
Cartman: [correcting him] Chipotlaway, Kyle. And I'm not the one who uses it, my mom does. She does the laundry. [Kyle's jaw drops in alarm]
Kyle: Your mom... uses Chipotlaway... to clean blood stains... out of your underwear?
Cartman: Yes!
Kyle: And then takes you to Chipotle, and buys you more?
Cartman: Yes, Kyle, it's totally normal! [Kyle puts his hands down below the table] People do this stuff! You know, not everyone can be the boy with the golden butthole! [points to Stan]
Stan: Here here here it is: possession by a ghost. A ghost that enters and then refuses to leave a living host has done so because it failed in the living world to be what it wanted to be. The ghost must be allowed to transform and be recognized by the living as what it always tried to be.
Kyle: What has Michael Jackson always tried to be?
Cartman: A child... and a female. And white.
Ike: Oh lookie, it's a planet. Hee hee hee.
Stan: So he wants to finally be accepted by the living as a little white girl.
Kyle: Well what the hell are we gonna do? Dress him up in a princess gown and, and parade him around like the parents on those awful child pageants? [Kyle looks at his friends, then down at the floor. His friends look at each other. Yes, Kyle...]
Scene Description: A Holiday Inn, day, at Lynchburg. "Lynchburg Welcomes The Tiny Miss Pageant". Inside, the contestants are being introduced. The stage is small, with two bouquets of flowers with balloons attached, one at each end of the stage.
MC: Hello. First up we have the beautiful Miss Jessica. [Jessica comes out wearing lots of makeup, a big head of hair, and a pink pageant dress. There's a smattering of applause]
Jessica's Mom: [clapping] Alright Jessica! Woohoo! [Jessica stops and shows off to the audience]
MC: Jessica enjoys ridin' her horse Marley and doin' her nails with her sisters. Next, contestant number 26, Miss Brandy. [who comes out in a yellow dress]
Brandy's Mom: Yeah Brandy! Work it girl!
MC: Brandy likes ice cream and playing with her cat Sunshine.
Brandy's Mom: [whispering loudly] Don't forget to blow a kiss to the judges, Brandy. [Brandy dutifully blows a kiss to the judges and grins. A balding judge grabs the kiss with his left hand, then reaches down to his groin with that hand and begins to masturbate. Brandy steps off the stage and walks away]
MC: And now welcome contestant number 27, little Miss Michael Jackson. [Ike walks on stage in a small pink dress and blond wig]
Kyle: Alright, Michael! [Kenny mumbles something]
Cartman: Yeah yeah rah work it Michael work it!
Stan: Yeahhhh!
MC: Michael says she just enjoys being a child. She loves to play and climb trees, and thinks people who don't are ignorant.
Ike: Ignorant.
Cartman: God I hope this works.
Scene Description: Purgatory. The celebrities are still waiting to take off to the next plane.
Billy Mays: Hi, Billy Mays here for the little Country Handy Pillow. Are you tired of sitting in limbo? Lost somewhere between planes of existence? Well now there's a product that can help you-
Walter Cronkite: Will somebody shut his fucking mouth?! I can't take it anymore!
Patrick Swayze: This is bad enough without having to constantly listen to you try and sell your stupid crap, Mays!
Billy Mays: With just two easy steps, I can climb over these seats and kick you right in the fucking balls!
David Carradine: That does it. We are not gonna just sit here anymore! We want some Goddamned answers!
Walter Cronkite: Why isn't anybody telling us anything?!
Pilot: Well ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking.
Walter Cronkite: Well it's about fucking time!
Pilot: Certainly want to uhhh thank you for all your patience. We know that you're eager to uhhhh get going and we will certainly pass on any information uhhhhh as it becomes uhhhhhh more available.
DJ AM: But yo! Yo Michael Jackson isn't even here anymore! He's gone! We should be able to move on now!
Flight Attendant: Yes, but as we all know, Mr. Jackson had a LOT of baggage, and he checked some of that baggage in, so a crew has to go through all the baggage and get his off of purgatory before we can push back from the gate.
Passengers: AWWWWWWWW!
Scene Description: Tiny Miss Pageant, later.
Ike: Did I do good in the swimsuit category? I'm worried that little doodoohead brunette girl was prettier than me.
Stan: [approaching the judges' table] Excuse me, uh, if you could do us a favor and pleeease just vote for little Miss Jackson? It's really important.
Kylie's Mom: It's more important for my little Kylie. Just look at this face.
Kylie: Mommy, that hurts my cheek implants. [another contestant is dancing onstage in a cheerleading outfit. She finishes her routine on her knees. The male judge on the right is taking pictures while the one on the left is masturbating even harder. The lone female judge is just evaluating as usual]
MC: All right, thank you Miss Cassie. And now for her talent portion, Miss Michael Jackson is gonna sing for us. [Ike steps onto the stage again and sings]
Ike: I'm just a little girl. Hee hee. A dainty little thing.And I know you all want to be a little white girl like me. Shamohn! Hee hee hee. [begins to moonwalk] Hohhh[the male judges are masturbating furiously]
Stan: Dude, the two male judges love her.
Kenny: (Yeah.) [the doors fly open and a bunch of police officers stream in...]
An Officer: All right, that's about enough! [...and haul away the male judges. The female judge looks on somewhat bewildered]
Kyle: Aww crap!
Cartman: Hey, what the F?!
Scene Description: Tiny Miss Pageant, later.
MC: All right everyone, the judge will now tally her final scores.
Kyle: We're totally screwed! [Brandy and her mom walk by. Brandy's actually a redhead] They took the two best judges away!
Stan: Yeah, there's no way that lady judge is voting for us. She was glaring the entire time.
Heidi's Mom: You'll win for sure, Heidi. You know how much that judge adores you.
Kyle: Aw dude, this is hopeless!
Kenny: (Son of a fucking bitch!)
Cartman: Wait wait! Wait, look at the lady judge. [a shot of the judge] She's eating Chipotle.
Kyle: [not making the connection] So what?!
Cartman: So maybe she doesn't know. [grabs Kyle by his coat collar] Maybe she doesn't know, Kyle! Excuse me, Ma'am, I see you're eating Chipotle.
Lady Judge: Oh yes, it's my favorite fast food. I would eat it every day, except I-... [looks down in embarrassment]
Cartman: Except! You can't afford buying all the new underwear?
Lady Judge: How did you know-... Look, it doesn't matter. [turns her back to him] I'm just gonna have to give it up.
Cartman: What if you didn't have to give it up?
Lady Judge: Excuse me?
Cartman: I think... you and I might be able to help each other here today.
Scene Description: Tiny Miss Pageant, even later.
MC: And now, it is time to announce our Grand Little Miss. Little Miss Michael Jackson. [Ike looks around gratefully as the audience applauds. The judge and the MC approach him. The judge gives him the crown and the MC gives him the trophy. The boys congratulate him]
Kyle: Yeah!
Cartman: Yeah!
Stan: Woohoo!
Cartman: Alright! [one of the contestants stomps her foot and cries, then walks off stage]
Heidi: [passing by the audience chairs] I'm sorry I didn't win, Mommy. [her mom stops for a moment and slaps her across the face]
Ike: Thank you so much for this award. Of all the awards I've ever won, this one means the most. I feel like... I'm finally at rest. I'm finally at rest! I'm free! [Ike passes out standing up with his mouth open wide and Michael's ghost rises out of him, with a ghostly trophy. The judge and MC notice something and look up. Ike wakes up, shakes his head, and looks at himself. Then, in his regular voice] Holy shit! What the fuck am I wwwearing?
Kyle: Ike! [runs up to him. The other boys follow] Ike, you're back!
Ike: Kyle, what the fuck is going on?
Kyle: It's okay, Ike, you're going to be... okay.
Cartman: Yes. Thanks to us and Chipotlaway, the spirits of the celebrities can now rest.
Scene Description: Back in purgatory, a woman yawns.
Michael Jackson: Wee, I'm free! I'm free! [floats down into his seat]
Farrah Fawcett: Hey he's here! He's here!
Bea Arthur: Oh, finally.
Others: He's here! He's back!
Flight Attendant: All right everyone, it looks like we are all ready to move on. [everyone claps]
Michael Jackson: Did you all see my crown? [the plane finally rises up and away]
Billy Mays: Finally! Finally we can all move on!
Scene Description: Hell. The purgatory plane alights here.
Flight Attendant: All right, everyone, I'd like to be the first to welcome you to the gates of Hell. Unfortunately, Hell is a tow-in gate.
Passengers: AWWWWWWWW!