Scene Description: Jefferson Lake Recreational Area, daytime. Stan and Cartman are in a very nice boat, playing around. Cartman stands up and shoots at imaginary opponents.
Stan: Dude, you are right, Cartman. Your uncle Roy has a sweet boat.
Cartman: Yeah. Isn't this fun? Just you and me hangin' out, Stan. No stupid Kyle around.
Stan: Man, I wish I could really drive this thing.
Cartman: You know how?
Stan: Sure I do!
Cartman: Well here. [reaches down to grab something] Roy keeps the keys in the glove box.
Stan: Dude, I don't think your uncle'd want us driving it.
Cartman: Nobody's gonna know. We just drive it around the marina real quick. Look, if anything happens, I'll take full responsibility.
Stan: [reaches over and grabs the keys.] Okay, turn on the ignition,
Cartman: [puts on sunglasses as the engine purrs to life] Awesome.
Stan: Okay... [pulls on a handle]
Cartman: We're not moving.
Stan: [pulls harder. The motor creates a froth of water behind the boat, which is still in place]
Cartman: Maybe you have the parking brake on.
Stan: Boats don't have parking brakes, dumbass! They only have the... oh wait wait. Neutral button! [presses that and the boat lunges out of its landing, spinning around a few times as it jumps another dock nearby. The boat goes forward in a haphazard manner. Both boys scream]
Cartman: Other way! Other way!
Stan: [pushes the handle forward again, but it breaks in his hand. He can no longer control the boat, so he and Cartman scream again, then] Jesus Christ!!!
Cartman: Stan... beaver dam! [the boat approaches the dam quuickly] Very large beaver dam, Stan!! [the boat runs aground on the dam and the boys quickly jump out. The boat begins to smoke as the boys swim to the nearest shore. Stan, being lighter and faster, reaches shore first, then turns to wait for Cartman. The boat blows up and Stan shields his eyes. Cartman reaches the shore and walks up to Stan]
Stan: Oh dude! Oh Jesus!
Cartman: [turns around and sees] Dude! Stan! You are in serious trouble!
Stan: You said you'd take responsibility to your uncle Roy!
Cartman: I don't even have an uncle Roy! That was just some guy's boat I knew about.
Stan: What?
Cartman: Look, it's okay. We weren't here. This didn't happen, okay. We were both at my house all afternoon long playing Tea Party. Okay? Now come on, we gotta bail! [hustles up the beach]
Stan: Oh God, I hope I didn't hurt any beavers.
Cartman: [turns to look at Stan] Dude, come on! We've gotta get out of here! [Cartman turns back and continues up the beach. Stan turns and follows Cartman up]
Scene Description: Splashy graphics appear as a program begins.
Announcer: With an eye on America and all of today's events, it's South Park Evening News, with Tom Pusslicker
Tom: Herro, crisis and fear tonight, as what appears to be a massive flood has overtaken the town of Beaverton, Colorado, home of the world's largest beaver dam. [the Marshes are shown eating off small folding tables with dinners on them and looking at the TV] Earlier today, a break in the beaver dam which protected the town broke open, trapping people in their houses and destroying their lives. [a helicopter camera catches the flooding]
Sharon: Oh my gosh, those poor people.
Field reporter: Tom, I'm currently ten miles outside of Beaverton, unable to get inside the town proper. We do not have any reports of fatalities yet, but we believe that the death toll may be in the hundreds of millions. Beaverton has only a population of about eight thousand, Tom, so this would be quite devastating.
Tom: Any word on how the survivors in the town are doing, Mitch? [Stan has stopped eating. Sharon and Shelly continue.]
Mitch: W-we're not sure what exactly is going on inside the town of Beaverton, uh Tom, but we're reporting that there's looting, raping, and yes, even acts of cannibalism.
Tom: My God, you've, you've actually seen people looting, raping and eating each other?
Mitch: No, no, we haven't actually seen it Tom, we're just reporting it.
Scene Description: The Marsh living room
Sharon: [rises and begins to pick up the spent trays] You all done with your fishsticks, Stan?
Randy: [rises and takes his own tray up] I'll help you, Sharon. [looks at the screen] Boy, that's just awful.
Tom: In the nearby town of South Park, the cause of the Beaverton flood is being investigated.
Man 1: That's right! We know whose fault this is!
Stan: Huh oh. [puts his hands to his cheeks. Shelly gives him a funny look]
Man 1: It's George Bush's fault!
Man 2: Yeah! George Bush doesn't care about beavers!
Chet: George Bush didn't break that beaver dam! It was terrorists and Al Qaeda!
Man 3: They've been secretly building beaver dam WMDs for years now! [a few other voices rise up to mention WMDs]
Scene Description: The Marsh kitchen, later on. Randy is washing dishes, Sharon is drying them off. Stan appears at the kitchen entrance.
Stan: Mom, Dad? [hesitating] The, they're gonna go help those people, right?
Sharon: I don't know. You know, to me, it seems like the mayor of Beaverton should've done something about that dam years ago.
Randy: Don't blame the mayor, Sharon. What about FEMA? Think this whole thing is really their fault.
Stan: Ye-but, uh, s-somebody's gonna help the people off their, their rooftops, right?
Randy: That's not important right now, son. What's important is figuring out whose fault this is. [nothing more is exchanged between Stan and his parents]
Scene Description: South Park Elementary School, next day. The kids gather to enter the school.
Scene Description: The school hall. Cartman is putting a blue folder away in his locker. Stan approaches.
Stan: Dude! Dude, did you see the news last night?
Cartman: Yeah.
Stan: You saw all those people trapped on their roofs?
Cartman: Shyeah, that was pretty funny.
Stan: Pretty funny?! Dude, we did that!! That was our fault!
Cartman: Hehey, no! We aren't the ones who built a town beneath a giant beaver dam, okay?! That's their fault!
Stan: But they're trapped now and nobody's helping them!
Cartman: Well they should've gotten out of there!
Stan: Maybe they couldn't get out!
Cartman: We did!
Stan: Dude, ah I just... [walks around in a fog of worry] ah I don't know what to do here.
Cartman: Ah ah ah, ah, I know what you're thinking, Stan. You're thinking, you're gonna go tell Kyle. Look, I know you think he's your best friend, but Kyle is a Jew rat! He has his Jew ethics while he hoards his greedy Jew gold, and he will Jew you out if you tell him about this!
Kyle: [walks up behind Stan] Hey dudes. [Stan stands to one side so he can see Kyle clearly]
Cartman: Oh hey, Kyle.
Kyle: Sorry I couldn't make it yesterday. What'd you guys do?
Stan: [looks at Cartman, then] Nothing.
Cartman: [smiling proudly] Hngh, totally.
Butters: [appearing] Hey, everybody, they just found out what caused the flood in Beaverton! [the other kids present in the hall follow Butters away. Kyle goes as well.]
Cartman: [throws down his cap] Aw crap!
Scene Description: The school cafeteria. Mr. Mackey stands next to a TV, and Principal Victoria goes up to join him. The kids are chatty.
Mr. Mackey: Quiet, children, quiet! We need to hear.
Tom: At first, nobody knew what caused the dam to break, but now, shocking new evidence has indicated that the flood in Beaverton was caused by... global warming! [everyone gasps. A new graphic appears onscreen - a globe] It now appears that... all rumors of global warming were true. We were warned this would happen and ...we didn't listen! [buries his face in his hands in anguish] We didn't listen! [composes himself] All the top Colorado geologists have gathered at the governor's office for an emergency meeting.
Scene Description: The Governor's office, day. Randy addresses his peers in a meeting room.
Randy: Ladies and Gentlemen, if Global Warming has in fact already caused the Beaverton flood, then this is only the beginning. The effects are going to spread. What we are looking at is a global warming catastrophe the likes of which we've never seen. [excited voices fill the room]
Geologist 1: Excuse me, sir, but, ...when? When is this going to happen?
Randy: My colleagues in the scientific community are still running tests, but... we believe it may happen... the day after tomorrow. [excited voices fill the room again: "Peas and carrots! Peas and carrots! Peas and carrots!"]
Geologist 2: [an elderly gent] Excuse me, I'm sure we're all very impressed with your wild theories, Doctor uh, Marsh, but the fact is no statistical proof has ever been confirmed that global warming exists. Are you suggesting we shut down the economy?!
Randy: With all due respect, cliché dissenting Republican, the economy isn't going to matter... the day after tomorrow. [excited voices fill the room again: "Peas and carrots! Peas and carrots! Peas and carrots!" The double doors open]
Scientist 1: Listen! Listen! We've finished running the tests!
Scientist 2: Global Warming is going to strike... two days before the day after tomorrow.
Randy: [alarmed] Oh my God... That's today! [a few seconds of silence, then all the geologists begin to panic. Papers fly around the room as most of the geologists run outside.]
Scene Description: Grocery Mart. The shoppers there begin to panic. News does spread fast.
Scene Description: The town. Everyone panics. Some shoppers run through town with shopping carts of food.
Scene Description: The school. Everyone clear out.
Man 5: [runs by in front of the school] We didn't listen!
Randy: [pulls up in the family car, with everybody else already inside] Stan! Get in the car! We have to evacuate!
Man 6: [runs by in front of the camera] We didn't listen! [Wendy and her father run by, Anne and her mother run by.]
Scene Description: A highway, bumper to bumper traffic on the way out. A lot of drivers beep their horns hoping other drivers in front of them start moving.
Randy: [beeping his own horn] Come onnn, come on!
Sharon: It's useless. This traffic isn't moving!
Stan: Dad, isn't it possible the flood wasn't caused by global warming? I, I mean, the water was held back by a giant beaver dam, after all.
Randy: No, Stan, I'm afraid us adults just let you children down. We didn't take care of our earth, and now you've inherited our problems.
Driver: We didn't listen!
Randy: [hears this and rolls down his window] We, we didn't listen! [rolls up his window] Come on! Everyone grab what you can! We have to walk! [the Marshes get out the car, carrying what they can, and leave the highway. In town the looting continues. An elderly man carrying a TV comes into view...]
Man 7: [drops the TV and points] Oh Jesus, here it comes!
Man 8: Global warming! [everyone runs away from whatever the man was pointing to, and soon the street is empty.]
Man 9: [in the middle of the crowd] It's coming! Here comes global warming!
Man 10: We didn't listen! [a camera in the sky begins to act the part of Global Warming as it focuses on a man and zooms in on him. The man turns and freezes in his tracks. The POV changes to a camera on the sidewalk watching the man's reactions. The man turns over a few times and stops moving, but no other camera is seen]
Randy: [moving along with his family] Come on, hurry! [the panicking crowd overtakes them]
Man 11: It's right behind us! [the Marshes stop to let the crowd through, then start moving again. The crowd returns and passes them again in the opposite direction] It's coming the other way! [the Marshes stop, then run back the way they came]
Randy: Go back, go back!!
Scene Description: The Park County Community Center, day. Stephen Stotch stands at the entrance urging people inside.
Stephen: Everyone into the community center! Hurry! Go!
Randy: [arrives to lend a hand] Get inside! We have to close these doors! [everyone for miles around comes and fills up the center. Again, the Global Warming camera focuses on the entrance and floats its way towards it. The last two people around, Stephen and Randy, close the doors just before the camera gets there.]
Scene Description: The Park County Community Center, inside. Randy has taken command of global warming preparations.
Randy: Come on, we've got to board up that last window! Seal off all the doorways! We must try to protect ourselves from the global warming.
Sheila: Mr. Garrison, are you all right?
Mrs. Garrison: I'm in pretty bad shape. My... leg is broken and my... left boob is leaking
Sharon: [arrives with a blanket to wrap around Stan, who has a cot to sleep in, and is seated on it] Here you go, sweetheart.
Stan: Mom, you know, those people in Beaverton are still trapped in the flood.
Sharon: I know, but, I'm afraid it's too late for them, sweetie. We have to try and save ourselves now.
Gerald: Shh, shh! We've got the television working! [one of two TVs in front of the crowd comes to life]
Announcer: This is a FOX News update! Global Warming Disaster!
Anchor: Global warming appears to have struck as predicted in the Colorado Rockies! All around the country, panic and chaos are settling in!
Field reporter: Tom, I am standing just outside of Chicago, where the panic of global warming has already caused countless deaths. Already we're reporting that the death toll here in Chicago is over 600 billion people
Officer Barbrady: Oh God.
Stephen: [turns around in anger] This is all your fault, Jimbo!
Jimbo: Me??
Stephen: Yeah! You drive that damn SUV around! You didn't even think about global warming, DIDJA?!
Kyle: [with a cup of water, approaches Stan] Can you believe it, Stan? I never thought global warming could happen so fast. I guess... I didn't listen.
Stan: Kyle, it... it isn't global warming.
Kyle: Huh?
Stan: [hops off his cot] Global warming isn't happening right now. It's, it's not what caused the Beaverton flood.
Kyle: How do you know that?
Stan: Because, I know what did cause the flood.
Kyle: George Bush?
Stan: No.
Kyle: Terrorists?
Stan: No.
Kyle: Communists?
Stan: No.
Kyle: Chinese radicals?
Stan: No.
Kyle: ...Cartman?
Stan: ...sort of.
Kyle: [throws down his cup] Cartman flooded Beaverton?!!
Stan: [pulls him aside to a more private area] Shh! Not, not exactly. We were messing around in this guy's new boat, and Cartman egged me on, and, and I crashed it into the Beaverton dam.
Kyle: [thinks a bit] Dude, you have to tell everyone. Right now.
Cartman: [arrives] Hey Stan. [studies Stan and Kyle's faces] Oh Goddammit you told Kyle, didn't you?!
Kyle: Stan, people in Beaverton are still trapped on their roofs. Nobody's helping them because they think they can't go outside.
Cartman: Oh, here we go. See? I told you! If you're so caring, Kyle, why don't you share some of your Jew gold with the people caught in the flood?!
Stan: Look, maybe, maybe we can help those people in Beaverton ourselves.
Kyle: How?
Cartman: Why?
Stan: We can sneak out of here, get a boat, and go help them off their roofs. That way, I can do the right thing, but still lie about it.
Randy: [addressing the crowd] Listen, listen everyone! Nobody can leave this building!
Mrs. Garrison: But... we need supplies, food, silicone.
Randy: You go outside, and you'll die! By now, the global warming has... shifted the climate, [steps up to a laptop and presses a key. A rotating graph appears, with the graph line dipping low] bringing on a new ice age. Within the hour, the temperature outside will fall to over 70 million degrees below zero!
Stephen: Jesus.
Randy: All we can do... is try to wait it out, as long as we can.
Gerald: And... the rest of the country?
Randy: [sighs as he moves from the laptop to the blackboard and pulls out a marker] Everyone below this line [draws a line from the border of Colorado and New Mexico to West Virginia] will have to be evacuated to the south. Everyone above this line [draws a line from the border of Colorado and Montana to Lake Erie] is already dead. People like us in the middle states have to ride it out. [draws two lines connecting the two longer lines, around Indiana] The balmy southwestern states [draws an open circle around Arizona, most of New Mexico, California and Nevada] might have a chance but, New York [draws a short line around it] will have tidal waves that envelop all of the northeast. [the crowd looks at it for a long time, then a man puts his hand to his mouth and starts chuckling] What, Frank?! [Frank points at the inadvertent phallus Randy drew on the map. Randy looks and realizes what he did] Aw awww, Goddammit! [goes to scribble all over the map so the dong isn't so noticeable.]
Scene Description: Beaverton, day. The flooded town is shown, and in the background, the shattered dam and empty lake.
Resident 1: Hello? Anybody? We'd like to be rescued, please. Any day now.
Resident 2: Why haven't they come for us?
Resident 1: I... I don't know.
Resident 3: Wait, look! Here comes a boat!
Resident 2: Really? Oh! It's about time!
Wife: Oh Kevin, we're saved! [buries her face in his shoulder]
Resident 3: It looks like... three little boys.
Resident 1: Hey, we'll take it! [they all start waving their arms] Over here, yes! Thank you! Thank you! [the boys appear, going backwards and screaming. They head for Beaverton Oil, a refinery nearby, and crash into it. The boys fall out of the boat and into the water, then pop up right away. Oil begins to pour out of pipes the boat broke upon crashing, and fire follows the oil. The oil slick rushes past the flooded homes, with fire riding it, and a wall of flames rises up] Oh, thanks. Thanks. That's a LOT better.
Scene Description: Beaverton Oil, inside. The boys turn to watch the boat burn.
Kyle: We can't get out! The flames are too big!
Cartman: [turns around and heads towards Stan] Oh great! You see, Stan?! This is what you get for listening to Kyle! [Kyle turns and looks at him] "Oh, you've gotta help those people. It's your responsibility."
Kyle: [walks towards Stan] Stan, it's over. You have to admit what you did so our parents can help us! [Stan looks down, unsure what to do]
Scene Description: The Park County Community Center, inside. Preparations are ongoing.
Randy: Stan?? Stan!!
Gerald: Randy! We've looked everywhere! Kyle's missing too!
Sharon: Oh my God! Where would they go?!
Stephen: [on the public phone] Randy, Randy! Your son's on the phone!
Randy: [gets to the phone and takes the receiver from Stephen] Stan??
Stan: Uh, hey Dad.
Randy: Stan, you're alive!
Stan: Dad, we're, we're trapped in Beaverton, We're, we were trying to save everyone!
Randy: Stan, you must listen to me! You must stay indoors! Do not try to go out! Global warming has brought in a new ice age!
Stan: No, Dad, listen: I need to tell you something.
Randy: What is it, son?
Stan: Nothing. Can you just come get us, please?
Randy: You just stay put, son! I'm coming for you! Do you hear me?? I'm coming for you!! [hangs up the phone and struggles with his emotions, then grabs his coat and scarf and bundles up]
Mr. Mackey: Randy, wheh-where are you going?
Randy: I'm going to Beaverton.
Tom: [Craig's father] You can't go out there! You'll freeze to death!
Randy: My son is counting on me!
Gerald: I'm going with you.
Randy: You can't go out there! You'll freeze to death!
Gerald: You can't do this alone!
Stephen: Let me go too.
Man 12: You can't go out there. You'll freeze to death.
Randy: All right, come on, both of you! We've gotta pull together every warm piece of clothing we can find.
Scene Description: South Park, day. If there's an ice age now, it certainly doesn't show. Randy, Gerald and Stephen are much too warmly dressed. They walk through town chain-gang style. Randy leads the men forward and takes a deep breath. Stephen collapses at the back end of the chain. Gerald and Randy spin around.
Gerald: Stephen! [Stephen mumbles but can't get up] Stephen, you have to keep moving!
Stephen: I can't go on! Feel so... hot.
Randy: Feeling warmth is a symptom of the last stages of hypothermia!
Gerald: Oh Jesus... [looking woozy] I feel warm too!
Randy: Yeah, me too. [walks around Gerald] Stephen, we've gotta keep moving! We're in deep hypothermia, all of us! We've gotta keep the blood flowing! [bends down to help Stephen up]
Gerald: Maybe we should... strip these jackets off, and warm our bodies next to each other!
Randy: Don't be a fag! [turns around] Come on! We can make it! [the men move forward again] We have to try!
Scene Description: The Pentagon, day.
General: Come on, people, we're running out of time! We need all Army helicopters to the Southern states for evacuation NOW!
Officer: Sir! More people in Beaverton are calling. They say they're trapped in floods and fire now.
General: Tell them that the government can't help them, but that we're very sorry. You know the plan, people! We can only evacuate citizens below this line! [the very line Randy mentioned]
Scientist: E-excuse me, General?
General: WHAT??
Scientist: We've just compiled some new information. The er, the flood in Beaverton wasn't caused by global warming after all.
General: What??
Scientist: We know the truth now. We know what caused it! [hands the general a photo. The general looks at it and his eyes grow big]
General: Oh my God. Quick! Radio the helicopters!
Scene Description: Beaverton, day. The flooded town is shown, but now there is fire as well. Almost every building is in frames, as is the town sign.
Scene Description: Beaverton Gas. The boys wander around.
Cartman: Help! Help! [a large drum falls from the ceiling in front of Kyle]
Kyle: Dude, this whole building is going to collapse!
Stan: We have to find a way out! [the boys start climbing the metal stairs]
Scene Description: Beaverton, day. The army helicopters start showing up. The general leads the rescue effort.
General: [through his bullhorn] Don't worry, everyone. The government is here to save you. [the helicopters hover above the homes and drop rope ladders down]
Resident 1: Oh wow, thank you so much! What a swift and speedy rescue!
Scene Description: Beaverton Gas. The boys climb up further.
Stan: Come on! We've gotta get to the roof! [another drom falls near Kyle, shearing off the stairs they just climbed. Kyle falls on his ass and gets up]
Kyle: Oh Jesus, we have to hurry!
Stan: [stops before an opening in the wall, where he sees sky and...] It's- it's helicopters! They finally came to help everyone! [Kyle and Cartman are on a landing below. Kyle tries to catch up to Stan, but Cartman blocks his way]
Cartman: Not so fast, Kyle.
Kyle: What are you doing?
Cartman: Hand over the gold!
Kyle: What gold??
Cartman: You know what I'm talkng about!
Kyle: No, Cartman, I have no idea what you're talking about!
Cartman: All Jews carry gold in a little bag around their necks! Hand it over!
Stan: [drops down a few steps and calls] Guys, come on! [goes back up the stairs]
Kyle: Jews do NOT carry gold in a little bag around their necks.Cartman! Stop playing around!
Cartman: [pulls out a 9 mm handgun, hopefully fake.] I'm not playing around, Kyle! If we survive this, I don't intend to live in poverty! Give me your Jew gold now!
Kyle: Dude, we don't have time for your stupid jokes! We're gonna die!
Cartman: Yes, but you can live if you give me your Jew gold! The decision is yours, Kyle!
Kyle: Goddamnit, you know I don't carry gold in a little bag around my neck, Cartman! Whattaya want from me?!
Cartman: I want... your Jew gold! [Kyle has run out of things to say and stands there. Cartman glowers at him, ready to fire the gun if he moves]
Kyle: ...Okay, fine! Here! [opens his coat and pulls out a small black bag, and hands it to Cartman] Now let's go!
Cartman: [moves the bag around for heaviness] Do you think I'm stupid?! I know that all Jews carry fake bags of gold around their necks to keep the real bags of gold around their necks safe! Hand over the real Jew gold, Kyle!! [Kyle, angered at this delaying tactic, pulls out another small bag from under his coat and walks over to Cartman. Cartman laughs evilly as Kyle approaches. Kyle smiles an evil smile back and tosses the second bag over his shoulder and into the fire below. Cartman rushes over to grab it, but doesn't get there in time Kyle rushes up the stairs at the other end of the landing] No! Noooooo! [watches the fire]
Scene Description: Beaverton Oil, roof. A helicopter hovers over a roof opening. Stan and Kyle climb out of the building and head towards the helicopter, and climb on. Cartman climbs out of the building as the helicopter takes off.
Cartman: Hey! Wait up, you assholes! God! [runs up to the platform and jumps on. The helicopter flies off]
Scene Description: The Park County Community Center, inside. Everyone sits and waits.
Mr. Mackey: Hey, look everybody! Helicopters! [a few people move forward to catch a glimpse though a crack among the boards nailed against the entrance]
Sharon: They, they've got the boys!
Tom: Global warming must be over!
Man 13: We made it! [the crowd cheers, "We made it! Yeah! Woohoo"]
Scene Description: South Park, outside. Three helicopters touch down in the middle of South Park Av. and drop off the Beaverton residents as well as the boys. The mothers approach.
Sharon: Stanley! [stands next to him and goes down on one knee.]
Sheila: Kyle! [Randy, Gerald, and Stephen are still sprawled on the ground nearby.]
Randy: [raises his head] Stan? [turns to the other two men] We've found Stan! Ugh. [faints again]
Mr. Mackey: So does, does this mean the storm is past. Global warming's over?
General: Global warming didn't cause the Beaverton flood. We know now whose fault it is. [The boys look up. Stan is a little worried.] It was... [pulls out the picture he was handed earlier, and it's a crab person] Crab people!
Crowd: Ohhhh.
Theme: Crab People, Crab People, Taste like-
Stan: [steps forward] Stop it! Stop it!! First it was terrorists, then George Bush and global warming and now you're all blaming crab people for something that's very simple! It's MY fault. I broke the dam. [the crowd falls silent for a few seconds]
Cartman: ...Aw man.
Sharon: [steps forward] Stanley. You?
Man 14: No. Don't you see what this child is saying? We can't spend all our energy placing blame when something bad happens. He's saying... we all broke the dam. '
Stan: No. I broke the dam.
Woman 1: I broke the dam.
Man 15: I broke the dam.
Man 16: I broke the dam.
Stan: No. I broke the dam.
Woman 2: And I broke the dam.
Man 17: I broke the dam.
Cartman: [steps forward] Hehe, I broke the dam. Hehe.
Man 18: I broke the dam.
Woman 3: I broke the dam.
Stan: [annoyed that his admission isn't taking hold, adds emphasis] I broke the dam. I ran a boat into the dam and I broke it.
Man 19: I broke the dam.
Man 20: [deep voice] I broke the dam.
Man 21: I broke the dam.
Man 22: I broke the dam.
Stan: No! I broke the fucking dam!
Man 23: I broke the dam.
Man 24: I broke the dam.
Stan: I literally broke the dam!
Man 25: I broke the dam.
Man 26: I broke the dam.
Stan: On a boat! That wasn't mine!
Man 27: I broke the dam.
Man 28: I broke the dam.
Stan: I kept it secret, for two days!
Man 29: I broke the dam.
Man 30: I broke the dam.
Stan: The boat caught on fire, and it exploded!
Man 31: I broke the dam.
Man 32: I broke the dam.
Stan: Ohhh, fuck it!


Scene Description: Cartman's basement, afternoon. The fourth grade boys are seated at a large conference table. Stan and Kyle come down the stairs and see the rest of the boys. At table are, counterclockwise, Clyde, Kevin, Token, Craig, Bradley, Butters, a black-haired boy, Timmy, Francis, Tweek, and Kenny.
Kyle: What are all you guys doing here?
Clyde: I don't know. I got this emergency letter from Cartman that said to meet in his basement. [shows letter]
Stan: Yeah, us too.
Cartman: [closes the door and comes downstairs] Ah, gentlemen, thank you for coming. We don't have a lot of time, so I'll cut to the chase. The girls at our school have been hiding something from us, hiding something huge.
Craig: What?
Cartman: What if I were to tell you that the girls have a device, which allows them to see... into the future.
Stan: What?
Butters: How do you know?
Kyle: The girls do not have a device that shows them the future Cartman. That's retarded.
Clyde: [in an English accent. Cartman looks on, startled] YOU, SIR, MOCKED CARTMAN BEFORE, YET YOU TWO SIT HERE DEMANDING ANSWERS! [bangs on the table twice with his fist] NOW DAMN YOU, LET HIM SPEAK!
Cartman: Thank you, Clyde. Uh, I'm afraid it's true. [pulls TV from the back] I secretly videotaped the girls in the playground yesterday using my Wellington Bear video camera [shows the camera]. I caught the following images on tape. I warn you, this images maybe be too shocking for young children.
Butters: Okay. I'm not lookin'. [buries his face in his arms]
Cartman: Video playback initialized. [presses play on the remote control and the screen shows the girls playing]
Scene Description: School yard, playing on the TV
Girls: [laugh]
Bebe: Okay, okay. My turn, do me now!
Kale: Okay Bebe. What do you want to know?
Bebe: I want to know if I'm gonna live in a big mansion in the future.
Kale: Okay, let's find out. Ready? [pulls out a paper fortune teller] Pick a number.
Bebe: Four.
Kale: One, two, three, four. Okay, pick a color.
Bebe: Blue.
Kale: B-L-U-E. All right pick another color
Bebe: [off-screen] Red.
Kale: 'Kaaay. Okay, will Bebe live in a big mansion in the future? [opens an interior flap] Definitely yes!
Bebe: All right!
Girls: Woohoo! You rock, Bebe!
Boys: Whoa! Wow!
Red: Do me next. I wanna know if I'm gonna marry somebody cute.
Heidi: I'll do it! I'll do it! [takes the teller from the Kal] Pick a number.
Red: Three.
Heidi: One, two, three. Now, pick a color.
Clyde: Where did they get that thing? [Kyle shushes him]
Heidi: G-R-E-E-N.
Red: Now blue!
Heidi: The answer is no. [girls laugh at her]
Red: Aw dangit!
Stan: Oh my God, how does it know the answer?
Craig: I... don't believe it.
Cartman: Believe it. The girls can ask any question they want and it gives the answer. Freeze image! [presses the pause button] Gentlemen, we have to get our hands on that device.
Scene Description: Cartman's backyard. The boys set up a containment tent. Token, Jason, and Kenny use pulleys to pull up the tent curtains. Craig and Bradley pull up a chalkboard with pictures of the girls. Someone rolls out the blueprints of the future telling device. The boy with the blue cap carries a box of equipment over to somewhere. The boys do other various tasks, Francis is at another computer.
Cartman: [comes to Clyde and Kevin's table] How is the incubation shield coming Clyde?
Clyde: It's all set. Once we have the device, it can be housed in here safely until we know what we're dealing with.
Cartman: Good man. [goes over to the computer Kyle, Stan, and Token are working on] Any luck here?
Kyle: The outside of the device seems to be covered in numerals. Inside are colors... which must open up to some sort of temporal time warp.
Cartman: Good. Keep working. We want to know all we can before we try to operate it. [moves to the middle of the tent] All right, gentlemen, our containment center for the time warp is nearly complete. All that's left for us to do is get the device from the girls and bring it here.
Craig: Let's go take it!
Cartman: Don't be a fool, Craig. Do you really think the girls are just gonna hand that technology over?
Stan: So what do you suggest?
Cartman: Heidi Turner [turns on a projector on which is shown her picture] is going to have a slumber party on Thursday night. There's no doubt in my mind the girls will be using the future-telling device there. If we... can get somebody invited to that slumber party, not only can we get a hold of the device, but find out how to use it.
Stan: Yeah, there's just one problem: a boy can't go to a chicks' slumber party.
Cartman: No, not a boy, but a girl. One of us is gonna have to go undercover, show up in school tomorrow disguised as the new girl who just moved to town.
Kevin: You mean like that movie, Juwanna Mann?
Cartman: No, not like Juwanna Mann, Kevin, okay? It's way cooler than that!
Stan: But if one of us pretends to be the new girl in class, the girls will wonder where that boy went.
Cartman: Which is why we have to fake that boy's death. It's simple spy stuff, my friends. Take your top man, fake his death, then send him in disguised as the enemy.
Kyle: That's a pretty solid idea. But who?
Scene Description: The Stotch house, night. A police stops and two police officers arrive at the front door and knock the door
Officer 1: Mr. and Mrs. Stotch?
Stephen: Yes? What is it, officer?
Officer 1: You'd better come quick.
Officer 2: Your son is at the Bowery Building threatening to kill himself.
Linda: What?!
Scene Description: The Bowery Building. Police and people are gathering on the grounds and two spotlights shine on Butters who's standing on the roof's edge, ready to fall
Officer 2: Don't do it son! You have too much to live for! [a patrol car pulls up with Stephen and Linda]
Linda: Oh my God, Butters!
Butters: Oh uh, hi Mom.
Cartman: [behind Butters] Just keep stalling, Butters. We don't have the dead pig quite ready yet. [Clyde, Stan, and Craig dress the pig while Cartman makes a Butter mask for it]
Stephen: [grabs the bullhorn from the officer] Butters? Butters, whatever is troubling you, this isn't the answer. Look at all these people who've come out for you! Just come down, son, and... we promise we won't ground you for more than a couple of weeks.
Butters: N'aw geez! Now I'm gonna get grounded, too.
Cartman: Okay, it's ready! Step down, Butters. [the pig is done, Butters steps down, and the pig is shoved into place]
Linda: He, h-he's coming down! Oh thank God!
Officer 1: No, wait. What... what's he doing? [the Butters mask appears over the ledge]
Cartman: Okay. One! Two! [Craig, Clyde, and Stan push the dressed pig]
Officer 3: JESUS CHRIST! [Linda screams. The pig drops to the ground and explodes, splattering everyone around with blood and guts]
Linda: OHHHH MY GOD!!
Doctor: [walks up to the body and rests his finger on a completely exposed blood vein] He... didn't make it.
Linda: NOOOOO!! NOOOOO!! My son is DEAD!! NOOOO!!
Cartman: Nice.
Scene Description: South Park Cemetery
Priest Maxi: And he shall be remembered as the peaceful little boy who warmed his parent's hearts. [Linda sobs uncontrollably] Lord, as we commit this child's body to the earth, may we ask it'd be the last child you strike down so mercilessly. We know this request to be futile, Lord, but just though we would ask. [the casket is lowered]''
Linda: NOOOO! NOOOO! BUTTERS! [jumps on the casket and Stephen and another woman holds her] Don't put him down there! Don't put him down there!
Scene Description: South Park elementary, Ms. Garrison enters
Ms. Garrison: Okay children, let's take our seats. Now I know that we're all still in deep, deep mourning over the tragic death of our classmate, Butters.
Red: Who's Butters?
Ms. Garrison: But we all must try to move on. And so I'd like you to help me welcome a new student who was just moved here from Dallas. Children please say hello to... Marjorine. [Butters enters dressed as Marjorine, a blonde girl, with wig askew]
Butters: Oh... Thank you. [curtsies]
Cartman: [whispers to Stan]Dude, I think it's totally working. The girls are totally buying it. [clears his throat]
Ms. Garrison: Why don't you tell the children a little bit about yourself, Marjorine?
Butters: Well, I'm just a typical little girl. I like dancin' and ponies. a-and [squeezes his eyes shut] getting my snootch pounded on Friday night.
Clyde: Nice.
Ms. Garrison: Now Marjorine, that's not very ladylike. Us Colorado girls love to get pounded in the snootch just like any woman, but we keep it to ourselves.
Butters: Oh...
Bebe: That girl sure has a strange sense of fashion.
Cartman: [pretends like he's yawning] Dude, they totally think he's a girl. [coughs]
Ms. Garrison: All right, have a seat, Marjorine. I'm sure all the other girls will be happy to show you around the school. [the girls look cross] Won't you, girls?
Red: Where do you buy your clothes?
Butters: Oh. Uhm, you know. Girl places.
Cartman: [pretends like he's yawning] Dude, they've bought it hook line and sinker. [coughs] This is going swimmingly. [coughs]
Scene Description: Turner's house, basement. Heidi is stirring lemonade.
Mrs. Turner: [enters the basement carrying a bowl] Heidi, sweetie, I'm just gonna set the snacks over here.
Heidi: 'Kay Mom.
Mrs. Turner: Oh, and Heidi, there's going to be one extra girl coming to your slumber party.
Heidi: Who?
Mrs. Turner: The new girl in your class, Marjorine.
Heidi: Mom, I didn't invite her!
Mrs. Turner: I know, sweetie, but I got a call from Marjorine's mother.
Heidi: Her mother?
Mrs. Turner: She said Marjorine is having a really hard time being in a new school. Her mom asked me personally if we could have Marjorine over, and besides, her mother told me that she works as a state official and that I should [slows down a bit] respect her authoratay.
Scene Description: Stotch house. Linda is crying in the bedroom.
Stephen: Linda? Linda, please come downstairs.
Linda: [through her tears] Why couldn't we help him? Why is our little boy dead? [continues crying. Stephen leaves her alone and walks downstairs]
Stephen: [sees Butters on a family portrait] Oh butter! Oh Butters, I miss you so much! [the doorbell rings and he opens the door]
An Old Farmer: Mr. Stotch. I know what you're thinkin'.
Stephen: Who are you?
An Old Farmer: [in a spooky accent] I came to talk you out of it. You need to... just accept that your son is dead, not try to bring him back.
Stephen: Bring him back? W-What are you talking about?
An Old Farmer: [comes in] I know you're thinkin' of puttin'; him up there, the Indian Burial Ground up that road. You're thinking if you bury his body there, he will come back alive. Sometimes, dead is better.
Stephen: Indian... Burial Ground?
An Old Farmer: It's been done before, what you're thinkin' of. The Nelson boy, back in '85.
Stephen: You're saying if I... dig up my son's body and rebury him at the... old Indian Burial Ground, that I-
An Old Farmer: Don't do it Stotch! What comes out of the ground ain't the thing you put in. The Indians knew that. That's why they stopped using it when the ground went sour. I'm just here to talk you out of it. [walks towards the front door, which is still open, then turns around] Don't bury your son's body at the Indian Burial Ground, Stotch! The one that's right up over there, behind Andersons' bar. Sometimes... dead is better. [walks out]
Scene Description: Heidi's house. Across the street, the boys peek out from behind bushes
Stan: All right, Butters, that's Heidi's house.
Butters: [dressed as Marjorine] I can't do it, fellas. I can't go into a girls' slumber party! What if they find out I ain't a girl?
Clyde: You're gonna be fine.
Cartman: Now Butters, we don't know exactly what is that girls do at their slumber parties. But if they start, you know, lezzing out, just roll with it.
Butters: Lezzing out? What's lezzing out?
Kyle: Now look, Butters, when the girls bring out the future-telling device, pay attention to how it works. Once you know how to operate it, just grab it and get the hell out of there.
Butters: Then I can go home and tell my mommy and daddy I'm not really dead?
Stan: Yeah dude, of course. Now go, the party's already started.
Clyde: Good luck, man. [Kyle gives him a push, and Butters is off]
Cartman: Remember Butters, you must get that future-telling device from the girls at all costs! And just roll with it if they start lezzing out. [Kyle glares at him]
Scene Description: Heidi's house, basement. Heidi's father enters the room with the build of a bodybuilder, and her mother.
Mr. Turner: All right, now we all want you to have a good time. But as Heidi's parents, tonight it is our responsibility to look out for all of you. There's not gonna be any drinking, no pot, and most importantly, if I catch any boys anywhere near this party, they're gonna be in a world of hurt. [Butters mumbles and sighs a bit] All right, have a nice time, girls. [both parents leave]
Heidi: So, what do you guys wanna do first?
Bebe: We could play "girl talk." [the other girls approve]
Red: I bought the new Justin Timberlake CD. We should dance to it. [the other girls approve again]
Butters: How about we read each other's future?
Wendy: I know. Let's do "Light as a feather, stiff as a board." [the girls approve, then spread out. Kale and Emily light candles and place them on the rug. Bebe turns the lights off, and the girls gather, making a circle around the candles] Who wants to do it first?
Red: I will. [gets in the middle and lays down]
Butters: Oh geez, are we gonna start lezzing out? [the girls look at Butters in astonishment for a moment, then they turn back to the center of the circle]
Wendy: Light as a feather, stiff as a board.
Girls: [getting louder as Red begins to float upwards] Light as a feather, stiff as a board! [Red is floating, making Butters scream]
Scene Description: Outside, the boys are hearing Butters scream.
Kyle: Jesus, what are they doing in there?
Cartman: God only knows the horrors that go on in girls' slumber parties. Let's just hope Butters can survive it.
Scene Description: Back to Heidi's house
Butters: AAAAAAAH NOO! Witches! You're all witches! [Red floats back down, Bebe turn on the lights, and Heidi faces Butters]
Heidi: Marjorine, what is your problem?
Butters: Huh? Oh nothin'. Hey, you guys wanna tell each other's futures now?
Red: Yeah. I can tell your future, Marjorine! You're going to live alone your entire life because you're a nerdy, dorky geek.
Heidi: Yeah, and your hair is totally stupid. [Butters looks at his hair ashamed]
Bebe: Yeah, and you're flat! [Butters looks down at his chest]
Red: Marjorine, why don't you just leave? Nobody wants you here!
Scene Description: South Park cemetery. Butters' tombstone is shown. Stephen approaches with a shovel, and kneels to the grave
Stephen: Hello son. Don't you worry. Daddy's gonna make everything all right again. [begins shoveling dirt out of the way as the sky crackles with thunder and lightning. He finally reaches the coffin and opens it] There he is. There's my boy! Come on, Butters! [lifts the pig out of the coffin] Oh... Butters... you smell like... bacon [carries the carcass] Don't worry. We're gonna bring you back, son. We're gonna bring you back!
Scene Description: Heidi's house, basement
Wendy: I think we went too far with Marjorine.
Bebe: She's in the bathroom crying. [the girls move towards the bathroom]
Heidi: [knocks on bathroom door] Marjorine.
Butters: [sobbing inside] Nobody likes meee...
Bebe: Aw gee, she's really upset.
Wendy: I feel terrible, you guys. It can't be easy being the new girl in school.
Heidi: Marjorine? Marjorine? Hey, we didn't mean it.
Butters: You don't know how hard it is to be me. [continues sobbing]
Bebe: Marjorine, we were just teasing. We think you're great.
Butters: You think I'm ugly-ehehee...
Wendy: You're not ugly, Marjorine.
Butters: You said I'm ugly and flat.
Heidi: Marjorine, you just have a different look, that's all. We just... we need to help you bring out your inner beauty.
Wendy: Yeah. How about we all give you a little makeover, Marjorine?
Girls: Yeah. Let's go!
Butters: [opens the door] You mean it?
Scene Description: Outside Turner's house, the boys keep watching.
Kyle: Dude, it's been too long. Something's wrong. [Craig takes out binoculars to look]
Stan: Maybe they found him out.
Clyde: Then, he's already dead.
Stan: Come on, we gotta go check on him. [Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny move towards the house, reaching the storm cellar.]
Kyle: Can you see anything? [the boys see Butters dancing with the other girls to Justin Timberlake's song "Rock Your Body"]
Stan: He's just dancing around.
Cartman: That son of a bitch!
Mrs. Turner: Marjorine, sweetie your mom's on the phone.
Butters: [stops dancing] My mom? [goes upstairs to the kitchen to answer the phone] Hello?
Cartman: Butters! Just what the fuck do you think you're doing?!
Butters: Well, I'm just having some fun with my girlfriends.
Cartman: You aren't there to have fun, you black asshole! You were supposed to be getting the future-telling device.
Butters: Well, I'm workin' on it.
Cartman: Working on what?! Your dance moves?!
Butters: Now look! I'm getting pretty sick of this! Well I put myself through a lot, and you can't talk to me like that! Uh... mom.
Cartman: Just do what you were sent to do, dickface! [hangs up]
Scene Description: The Indian Burial Ground, Stephen gets in the middle and starts digging a hole in order to bury "Butters" again.
Scene Description: Heidi's house. Butters returns to the basement
Red: He yMarjorine, you wanna know your future?
Butters: Ah. Uhh, could I hold that?
Heidi: Sure. [hands the future teller to Butters, but doesn't take it yet] Here, you do my future.
Butters: How?
Heidi: Well uh you know, it's easy. You just put your thumbs and index fingers in here...
Scene Description: Upstairs, Mr. Turner checks with a binocular outdoors. He spots Craig, who senses this and lowers his binoculars
Mr. Turner: Aha! I knew it! Boys in the slumber party!
Scene Description: Downstairs, Butters gasps
Heidi: There's a boy here?
Butters: [moves towards the stairs pointing the future device] Stand back! I had a... great time tonight, but I gotta do what I was sent here to do! [runs up the stairs and outside]
Scene Description: Outside.
Craig: He got it! He got the device! [the boys surround Butters]
Cartman: Tango tango tango! We've got it! Let's get it to the containment center! Go! [Clyde runs up, gets it, and runs off]
Stan: Come on, Butters.
Butters: No! That darn device is nothin' but trouble! Ah I'm done, and I'm goin' home to tell my Mom and Dad I'm not dead! [takes off his make up and runs off]
Heidi: [appears at the doorway with her mom and dad and the other girls] What the hell?
Cartman: aahahaha, we have the device now! The power belongs to us! [turns around and runs as the other boys run away]
Heidi: ...Anybody have a piece of notebook paper so I can make another one?
Scene Description: Cartman's backyard
Jason: Go! Go! Get in the containment field! [Clyde enters it and takes the future device attached to a stick, to the incubation shield. He places it inside. A glass covers it and seals it. Clyde then takes off his clothes and enters a decontamination shower]
Scene Description: The Stotch house
Linda: Stephen, you did what??
Stephen: I had to, Linda. If there was even the slightest chance it would bring him back! I don't know. I don't know what I'm doing anymore!
Linda: You dug up our son's body? Performed some kind of pagan ritual?
Stephen: Linda, I did it for you, you wanted him back so much! So did I!
Linda: Not like this! [slows the voice down] Not like this. He wouldn't be our son, Stephen. He would be a walking abomination. An unholy demon spawn! [knocks are heard on the front door and they both gasp]
Butters: Hello?
Stephen: It's him.
Linda: Keep the door locked.
Butters: Mom? Dad? Uh, it's me, Butters. I'm back. [his parents are horrified]
Linda: Oh God... [Butters knocks again, then tries to turn the doorknob.] No! [Butters keeps trying to open the door, Linda hides her face on Stephen's shoulder. Silence. Linda begins to cry]
Stephen: [soothes her] It's gone, dear. It's gone. Forgive me.
Butters: [enters through the back door] Hey Mom and Dad, I'm not- [Linda screams and hides behind the couch]
Stephen: Oh God, it's terrible. What have I done?!
Butters: Uh, I guess you're probably a little surprised to see me.
Linda: It isn't right! Make it go away!
Scene Description: The containment center
Cartman: Gentlemen, this is a historic day for all of the boy, and mankind. In a few moments, we will know the future. [handles the future-telling device with black gloves]
Stan: Ho-Hold on on guys. We're not sure what this device is capable of. Maybe we should wait until we've had more time to study it.
Cartman: No, No! We don't have time for that, Stan. It's time to ask questions.
Clyde: How come you get to use it first?
Cartman: Because I do, Clyde.
Craig: I wanna use it.
Cartman: I'm askin' the first question! Let's just start with something simple. Will Kyle die before he's twenty?
Kyle: Wait! I don't wanna know that!
Clyde: Ask if the Broncos are gonna win on Sunday.
Jason: Nah dude, then it won't be fun to watch.
Cartman: Will you all shut up so I can do this!?
Craig: You shut up, asshole.
Kyle: I don't wanna know when I'm going to die, fatass! [everyone starts arguing]
Stan: Guys, guys, guys, stop! [everyone goes silent] Look at what this thing is doing to us. Butters was trying to tell me something outside the house. That this device is nothing but trouble. I think I know what he meant now.
Jason: How could be nothing but trouble?
Stan: We risked everything to get it from the girls. How long before the girls attack us to get it back?
Clyde: Yeah. Forget about the girls. What about if the CIA or, or the Russians know we have this? They'll come after us for sure.
Craig: Maybe we should take it so someplace safer.
Stan: And then what? Hide it forever from the government? From the... terrorists who want to use it for evil? Maybe... maybe nobody is meant to have this kind of power.
Bradley: You mean destroy it?
Cartman: Are you guys nuts?! After everything we've gone through!?
Stan: We got it away from the girls. That's what matters. But now the right thing to do isn't using it ourselves, then we're no better than they are.
Cartman: Think of the power!
Kyle: It's too much power. For anybody. Stan's right. It has to be destroyed.
Scene Description: In the woods. Kenny pours propane on the future device and walk back to the crowd of boys. He holds in his hand a detonator
Cartman: Are we sure about this? We'll never know the future.
Stan: Nobody will. That's the way it's suppose to be. Hit it, Kenny. [Kenny presses the button, the device explodes, destroying the surrounding area; the explosion is seen from space. Cartman and Kenny get up covered in ashes]
Cartman: Damn, Ken.
Scene Description: Stotch's house. Stephen takes Linda to the basement while consoling her]''
Stephen: Here. Here, you see? It's going to be all right. Hello... son. [Butters is shown shackled by the neck with chains attached to the basement walls]
Butters: Hi Dad.
Linda: He was supposed to stay dead!
Butters: Mom, Dad, can I come upstairs now?
Stephen: Sorry, son, but... you're a demon spawn now. You're an abomination.
Butters: Can I have something to eat? Well, I'm pretty hungry.
Linda: It's... hungry.
Stephen: Yes, it must feed.
Scene Description: Upstairs. Stephen opens the front door
Rachel: Hello, I'm Rachel with Quality Curtains.
Stephen: [nervously] Oh yes, thank you for coming.
Rachel: Which room are we looking at?
Stephen: Just follow me to the basement.
Linda: Yes. The basement.
Rachel: [Rachel enters the basement; she begins walking down the stairs] Oh my, it's pretty dark down here. You sure you need curtains? [sees Butters shackled up] Oh my God!
Butters: Uh hello, I'm Butters.
Rachel: Little boy, what are you doing here? [Stephen kills Rachel with one hit of a shovel]
Butters: Huh?
Stephen: [shoves Rachel's corpse closer to Butters with the shovel] Here you go, son. Eat!
Linda: What are we becoming?!
Stephen: Come on. Don't watch it eat. [they turn around and go up the stairs]
Butters: Can I just have some Spaghetti-O's?


Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Mrs. Garrison arrives to start class. A carton of eggs sits on her desk.
Mrs. Garrison: Okay, children, this week we are all going to learn about parenting. [writes the word on the board.] I'm going to pair all the boys and girls in class into couples, and give each couple... [opens the carton of eggs and holds an egg up for the class to see] an egg. You must care for and look after this egg just like a baby for one full week. If you break your egg, it means you have a dead baby, and if you kill your baby, you get an F. When I announce your names, please move and sit with the person you're paired with. [on a magnetic board she has the girls listed on a table and the boys listed outside the table. She pairs the boys up with the girls as he calls them.] Heidi, you'll be with Eric.
Heidi: [dissatisfied] Awww!
Mrs. Garrison: Annie, you'll be a family with Timmy.
Timmy: Timmiih!
Mrs. Garrison: Millie, your husband is Craig. Powder, you and Kenny are a loving couple now.
Stan: [worried] Oh no, dude, he's gonna put me with Wendy.
Kenny: (So?)
Mrs. Garrison: Aaand let's see who else we have here, uh...
Stan: So, I haven't even spoken to Wendy since we broke up.
Mrs. Garrison: And, Wendy? Wendy will be with Kyle.
Stan: Kyle??
Mrs. Garrison: Bebe, you're paired up with Stan. Lola and Token, Red and Craig, and Esther and Bradley. [the kids begin to pair up. Mrs. Garrison begins to distribute the eggs] Now, I'm going to sign each of your eggs myself, so that we'll know it's the same one at the end of the week. That way if anybody cheats and tries to replace their eggs, we'll know, Eric. [gives him a stern look] All you have to do is make it to Friday with your egg unharmed to prove what great little parents you are. [Token is somewhat shocked that he got a brown egg. Mrs. Garrison returns to the front of the class] Okay children, you can now take the rest of the school period to decorate your egg however you wish. Good luck, and remember, a dead baby means an F for the parents. [the kids begin decorating their eggs, and music begins to play] [seated at his desk gazing at the students, daydreaming] Just look at all these little families Newfound couples in a happy home. It takes me back to another time When I had a love of my own. [holds in her hands a signed portrait of Mr. Slave] [bolts up and starts singing aloud] Love, love lost long ago, it was special then, it's over now. [picking flowers in a meadow] Love, so darn frail, you know? It shriveled and died. I don't know how. [Stan wanders through the neighborhood with hands in his pockets and reaches Wendy's place. He looks through a window and sees Kyle and Wendy working on their assignment in the kitchen. Mr. Garrison appears next to him] Love, love lost long ago, it was special then, it's over now. [prances through town and stops at a bridal shop. She imagines himself as the bride] Guess that I'll never know how it all went wrong. How how how? [sits on her bed holding the portrait, then decides to drive to Mr. Slave's house.] Well perhaps I should try and boldly go and rekindle that love lost long ago. [steps out of his car, goes up to the doorbell, and rings it. Mr. Slave opens there, then expresses a muted surprise] Hello, Mr. Slave. [bats her eyes at him]
Mr. Slave: Mr. Garrison! Ohoh, Jezuth!
Mrs. Garrison: [sweetly] Just let me say what I came here to say. I know we had a falling out and... things were said that... shouldn't have been said. I want to apologize for calling you a faggot.
Mr. Slave: That's, that's wonderful, Mr. Garrison!
Mrs. Garrison: Well, wait, wait, it gets better. I've forgiven you for walking out on me after I had my sex change, and uh... [gushes] And I'm ready to take you back, Mr. Slave!
Mr. Slave: Ooooo...
Mrs. Garrison: Well, give us a kiss!
Big Gay Al: [appearing in the background] Say, honey, is that the pizza? [Mrs. Garrison is dismayed that it's Big Gay Al Mr. Slave is with]
Mrs. Garrison: [storms inside] What the hell is he doing here?!
Mr. Slave: Mr. Garrison, Al and I have been living together for a few months.
Mrs. Garrison: Well, that didn't take you long, did it?!
Big Gay Al: Slave, should I leave you two alone?
Mrs. Garrison: Yes!
Mr. Slave: No! [walks over to Big Gay Al and stands next to him] Mr. Garrison, there's something you should know. Al and I are getting married.
Mrs. Garrison: Married?!
Big Gay Al: [holds Mr. Slave's hand] Yes.
Mrs. Garrison: You can't get married! You're faggots!
Mr. Slave: [puts his hand to his forehead] Oh, Jesus Christ.
Mrs. Garrison: Mr. Slave, I am legally a woman now! If you wanna get married, you have to marry ME!
Big Gay Al: Oh that's not true! Colorado is about to pass a bill which allows same-sex marriage.
Mr. Slave: We're getting married right after the bill passes on Saturday.
Mrs. Garrison: Oh, that's just great! They're gonna let queers and homos get married, huh?!
Mr. Slave: Okay, that's enough. Out, Mr. Garrison.
Mrs. Garrison: We'll just see about this, you fudge-packin' fags!! I'll stop that gay-marriage law! [turns and leaves for the front door]
Mr. Slave: Oh my God, you're just saying that because you're jealous.
Mrs. Garrison: [turns around] Jealous of what?! I'm doin' this out of principle! To protect the sanctity of marriage! [backs up towards the front door] Fags are gettin' married over MY DEAD BODY!! [slams the door shut. Mr. Slave and Al look at each other]
Scene Description: Stan's house, living room. Stan sits at the coffee table steaming over the pairing of Wendy and Kyle. A cordless phone sits before him. He picks it up and dials it. It rings at a house, and Kyle goes over to answer it.
Kyle: Hello? Oh, hey, dude.
Stan: So, what are you and Wendy doing?
Kyle: Oh, we're just makin' a cradle out of an egg carton for our egg. We figure that way it'll be easier to keep safe so we can get an A.
Stan: Uh huh...
Kyle: I don't think it's gonna be that hard to keep it from breaking. This whole assignment is stupid.
Stan: Yeah, well, so is your hat. [hangs up and sets the phone down. Kyle is puzzled, Stan is upset. The doorbell rings and Stan goes to answer it]
Bebe: [holding their egg] Stan, I need you to watch the egg for a while.
Stan: I can't. I'm busy.
Bebe: I've been looking after it all day. I have to go to the hair salon and the candy store!
Stan: ...So take it with you!
Bebe: Stan, this is our egg. We're both supposed to take care of it.
Stan: [crosses his arms, turns around and goes inside] Well, maybe I didn't want to have an egg with you, okay, Bebe?!
Bebe: [follows him in] Well, whether you wanted to or not, doesn't really matter now! We're going to get graded together! It's your egg too! Own up to your responsibilities! [leaves the egg with him and walks out. Stan stands there with the egg for a few moments, then sits on the sofa and tosses the egg aside. He turns on the TV to catch an episode of "One Day At A Time"]
Scene Description: South Park, in front of the library. Mrs. Garrison is speaking to a large crowd gathered there.
Mrs. Garrison: These homosexuals think they can just step all over our traditions! Well I say: Marriage is a holy sacrament between a man and a woman! [the crowd applauds]
Woman: Who is that lady?
Man: I don't know, but she is pissed.
Mrs. Garrison: They passed this law behind our back! We need to tell the governor and the world that gay marriage is not okay! That homosexuals cannot muddy our traditions! And there is only one way for us, all together, to make that message very clear! We need to round up three or four queers and beat the livin' hell out of them! [Everyone else falls silent. She steps out from behind the podium and crouches a bit] Come on, everybody! Let's get some queers, and some trucks, and have us a good old-fashioned fag drag!
Man 2: Well uh, we were thinkin' we would, you know, just go appeal to the Governor.
Mrs. Garrison: Appeal to the Governor? Oh,come on! Where's your balls?! Fag drag!
Man 3: We don't "hate" homosexuals, we, we we just don't want them to be able to marry.
Man 4: Yeah, we were just thinkin' o' goin' and askin' the Governor to veto the bill.
Man 5: Yeah.
Mrs. Garrison: [looking all alone now] Eh fah, fag drag?
Scene Description: Governor's building, day. Mrs. Garrison stands with a crowd of supporters inside the Governor's office.
Mrs. Garrison: Governor, we have collected over one thousand signatures requesting that you veto this gay-marriage bill!
Bill Owens: [with emotion] Oh jeez, I knew this would happen. First the gay people come in here wanting equal rights, then this bill gets passed and now all the people against it want me to veto it. [slams his right fist on his desk]> Why do I have to make this decision?? />
Mrs. Garrison: Because you're the governor?
Bill Owens: I just wanted a big house and lots of respect. I didn't want this kind of responsibility. [rises form his desk and turns away, walking towards a window] I mean, I don't know anything about gay marriage. What argument can I use to deny them their right to a family?
Mrs. Garrison: Well, think of the children! If you allow gays to get married, then you're also givin' them full rights as parents to adopt. You think kids can be raised by queers??
Bill Owens: I can't use that argument. There's never been a study done which proves that either way.
Mrs. Garrison: [gets an idea] But, if you had such a study, a scientific study which proved same-sex couples are incapable of raising a child...
Bill Owens: Then I would have something to fall back on. So-something to take all the pressure off of me.
Mrs. Garrison: [confidently] Mr. Governor, I will get you that study.
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The kids trickle into class. Bebe approaches Wendy, each one holding an egg.
Bebe: Hey Wendy, how's your egg doing?
Wendy: Oh great. It's a pretty easy project. Kyle's really good with the egg. [beams at Kyle. Stan looks on, miffed]
Bebe: Yeah. [gets angry] I wish I had a partner like Kyle! I went to go pick up the egg from Stan yesterday, and his dog had it in its mouth! Our egg isn't gonna last a week with Stan around!
Mrs. Garrison: [enters with four big books and drops them on her desk] Okay, students, change of plan! [walks over to the magnetic chalkboard] You've all been doing a great job taking care of your eggs, but now we're going to mix it up a little. Wendy and Kyle will no longer be together.
Stan: [points at Kyle] HA!
Mrs. Garrison: Let's see what happens when we put two same-sex couples together to take care of an egg, shall we?! Kyle, you are now with Stan! And Wendy is with Bebe! [Kyle and Wendy exchange glances]
Kyle: Why?
Mrs. Garrison: Come on, Bebe. We'll take your egg for you and Wendy to look after.
Bebe: Oh, goodie. [moves over to take a seat next to Wendy]
Mrs. Garrison: And we'll just take this egg for Stan and Kyle to look out for. [takes Wendy's egg...]
Wendy: No. No, that's my egg.
Mrs. Garrison: Wendy, we're doing an experiment. [...and gives her Bebe's egg...] Here you go, boys. [...and gives Wendy's egg to the boys]
Wendy: But I made that egg. Mr. Garrison, please. Youyou can't give my egg to Stan, he'll break it.
Mrs. Garrison: [ebullient] Hoh now, what makes you say that, Wendy? I'm sure two boys can handle an egg just fine... [goes towards the chalkboard, scheming] And if not, we'll certainly prove a point to that goddamned Governor, won't we?
Kyle: Who?
Mrs. Garrison: [shifty] Never mind, just carry on, children. Just carry on as two reckless little boys will.
Scene Description: Kyle's house, day. He and Kyle are in the kitchen. Kyle is designing a container for their egg.
Kyle: Okay, there. Now we can carry this egg around in this case without it getting cracked.
Stan: Alright, give it to me. I'll take it home tonight.
Kyle: Look, Stan, you want me to just take care of this egg?
Stan: [suspicious] Why do you say that?
Kyle: It's just that... I really need this A, Stan. And Bebe did say you almost broke your last egg.
Stan: That's because I was pissed off!
Kyle: At who? [the doorbell rings] Heh- hang on. [goes to answer the door and finds Wendy outside]
Wendy: [wistfully] I wanna see my egg.
Kyle: Huh?
Wendy: [enunciates] I want to see my egg.
Kyle: Wendy, it isn't your egg anymore!
Wendy: Yes it is. I made it, I decorated it.
Kyle: Well, you might have made it, but we're the ones who are taking care of it now. You have your own egg to look out for!
Wendy: ...I just wanna hold my egg for a couple of minutes.
Kyle: [consoles her a bit, but turns her away] Wendy, I just wanna get an A, okay? Let's not make this any more confusing than it already is. <>[Stan peeks out from the kitchen and sees Kyle's arm around Wendy]
Wendy: Don't let anything happen to it, please. [Stan gets upset and disappears back into the kitchen]
Kyle: Wendy, nothing's gonna happen to the egg. You can have it when the week is over and I have my grade. [slams the door on her and returns to the kitchen, where an angry Stan is sitting in his chair with his arms crossed] Freakin' weirdos, man.
Stan: You think you're so great, don't you?! Well guess what?! Maybe I don't need your help! I'm taking the egg home tonight, and I'm gonna show everybody tomorrow that I'm every bit as good an egg-take-care-over as you! [hops off the chair and rushes out the side door]
Kyle: What the hell is wrong with everybody?
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Mrs. Garrison enters with more books.
Mrs. Garrison: Okay, children, it's Wednesday! Time for an official egg check! Heidi and Eric?
Heidi: Our egg is fine.
Mrs. Garrison: [writes OK on their row] Okay, Annie and Timmy?
Timmy: TimmiIH!
Mrs. Garrison: [writes OK on their row] Good. Millie and Clyde, I saw yours before class. [writes OK on their row] Powder and Kenny?
Kenny: (Our egg is okay.)
Mrs. Garrison: [writes OK on their row] Now how about our gay couples? Stan and Kyle?
Stan: [determined, willful] Fine!
Mrs. Garrison: What?
Stan: No problems at all!
Mrs. Garrison: [turns around in anger] That's impossible! [snatches the egg from Stan's hand and looks it over carefully] Are you sure you didn't break it and switch eggs on me?! Where's my signature?!
Stan: It's right there, see? [leans towards Kyle in fear. Wendy looks down and away from the action]
Mrs. Garrison: Two boys can't possibly take care of an egg!
Kyle: Dude, it's totally fine.
Mrs. Garrison: It isn't fine! It has two daddies! You call that fine?! It may be fine on the outside, but inside it's confused and embarrassed! Look at the freak egg! It has two daddies! [taunts the egg directly] Two daddies! Two daddies! Come on, class, let's rip on the freak egg! Two daddies! Two daddies!
Scene Description: Governor's building, day.
Field reporter: Tom, I'm standing outside the Governor's office, where in just two days, the Governor can either sign or veto the new bill allowing gay marriage. Same-sex couples from all over the state have shown up in support, [Mr. Slave and Big Gay Al are there] while dissenters have also converged. The governor is about to give a statement.
Bill Owens: I believe that I might have come up with a compromise to this whole problem that will make everyone happy! People in the gay community want the same rights as married couples, but dissenters don't want the word "marriage" corrupted. So how about we let gay people get married, but call it something else? [everyone listens quietly] You homosexuals will have all exactly the same rights as married couples, but instead of referring to you as "married," you can be... butt buddies. [long silence] Instead of being "man and wife," you'll be... butt buddies. You won't be "betrothed," you'll be... butt buddies. Get it? Instead of a "bride and groom," you'd be... butt buddies.
Mr. Slave: We wanna be treated equally!
Bill Owens: Y-you are equal. It's just that instead of getting "engaged," you would be... butt buuuddies. And everyone is happy!
Woman: Well what about lesbians?!
Bill Owens: Well like anyone cares about fuckin' dykes. [the crowd goes into an uproar] Oh, God, I was sure that would work.
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Mrs. Garrison is at her desk reviewing daily egg evaluations. He's reading Stan and Kyle's.
Mrs. Garrison: Damnit, damnit! Stan and Kyle's egg is still doin' fine! Those little assholes are screwin' up my entire plan! [there's a knock on the classroom door] Yes, what?! [Cartman walks in with his shattered egg and sits on the chair next to the desk. He places the egg on the desk, crosses his arms and looks away. Mrs. Garrison looks at the egg and is dismayed] What the hell is this?!
Cartman: I broke the egg.
Mrs. Garrison: You broke your egg?? Uh but you're partnered with a girl.
Cartman: I tried to cover it up, tried to put it back together with modeling glue, tried to seal it with a soldering gun, but, I give up. I can't hide it, I broke the egg.
Mrs. Garrison: Did you tell anyone else about this?
Cartman: ...No.
Mrs. Garrison: Did you tell your egg partner, Heidi?
Cartman: No. That's why I'm here. I think you should still give Heidi an A on the project. You see, I broke the egg, not her. And so, I should get an F, and she should get an A, which means that together the grade should average out to C minus for both of us.
Mrs. Garrison: I can't do that, Eric!
Cartman: Damnit! I knew you'd say that! You always have it out for me!
Mrs. Garrison: You have to get an A, Eric. Here: I'll sign this new egg for you. We'll pretend this never happened, all right? [goes about making a duplicate egg for Cartman] Just... put on the old hair, color in the same eyes... There we go, good as new. [places it near Cartman and puts the shattered one in his desk drawer] Go enjoy the rest of your recess.
Cartman: [thinks about what just happened] Mr. Garrison..., you've never been this cool to me before.
Mrs. Garrison: ...Okay, well, you're welcome, Eric. Now, just run along. [continues grading papers]
Cartman: ...Why are you doing this?
Mrs. Garrison: Because I'm a nice teacher, all right?
Cartman: What do you want from me?
Mrs. Garrison: Nothing! It's all okay! Just take your damn egg!
Cartman: ...No.
Mrs. Garrison: [quickly grabs Cartman by the collar] Eric, you've never been anything but a problem for me! You're taking that egg! And if you break it again, I'll break both your legs, and burn down your house! Do you hear me?!
Cartman: [choking] Yes teacher.
Mrs. Garrison: [releases him] Get out of my face! [Eric gets his new egg and rushes out of the classroom] Urrgh, this scientific study isn't turning out the way I planned! Looks like I'm gonna have to... intervene.
Scene Description: Akbar, night, a seedy side of town. Mrs. Garrison enters and looks around, sees her target and walks over. She sits opposite a rough-looking man.
Mrs. Garrison: Are you Jakartha?
Jakartha: Who the hell are you?!
Mrs. Garrison: Mrs. Garrison. I spoke to your associates on the telephone.
Jakartha: Ahh yes, you are interested in my services.
Mrs. Garrison: I have a little... problem I need taken care of. I heard you're the best.
Jakartha: Who do you want me to kill? [Mrs. Garrison pulls out a photo from her purse and puts it face down on the table, then slides it towards Jakartha. Jakartha picks it up and looks at it. It's a picture of Stan and Kyle's egg] What is this?
Mrs. Garrison: It's an egg.
Jakartha: You want me to kill an egg?
Mrs. Garrison: I can pay two thousand now, three more when the job is finished.
Jakartha: What do you expect me to do with it?
Mrs. Garrison: I don't care. Scramble it, fry it, do what you will! It has to look like an accident.
Jakartha: I am a serious assassin! Get out of my face!
Mrs. Garrison: What's the matter? You... afraid you can't do it? Can't say that I blame ya. That egg has caused me nothin' but problems since day one! [rises and steps away from the table] I guess... you're not as good as they say you are...
Jakartha: [jabs a Bowie knife into the table and rises violently] I am the greatest killer the world has ever seen!!
Mrs. Garrison: Then why are you scared of one little egg?!
Jakartha: I will murder that egg! Then I will make it curse the day it was laid!
Mrs. Garrison: That's more like it!
Scene Description: Stan's house, dawn. Stan packs his books into his backpack, then goes to the phone table to see his egg.
Stan: Day five. I made it! [the phone rings, and he answers] Hello?
Scene Description: Kyle's house, dawn. His family is eating breakfast in the kitchen.
Kyle: Dude, did you hear what's happening?
Stan: What?
Kyle: Garrison is taking us all on a field trip today. He wants to do the final egg check in front of the Governor's office!
Stan: Governor's office?
Kyle: She's really taking this grade seriously, Stan. I'm gonna come over so that we can take our egg to school together, all right?
Stan: Aah, you'd like that, wouldn't you?! I took care of this egg, Kyle, not you!
Kyle: Okay, Stan, you've been an asshole to me all week! What is up?!
Stan: What's up?! Oh, nothing except that you've been trying to impress Wendy all week long like a pathetic dickhole!
Kyle: Impress Wendy??
Stan: You've set it all up to look like you're this awesome prince and I'm just a loser!
Kyle: What the hell are you talking about?!
Stan: Well guess what?! I'm gonna take this egg to class myself! And I'm gonna hold it up in front of Wendy, and say "See?! I'm every bit as good as Kyle is." [a laser dot snakes its way up the egg. Stan notices this with some surprise, and the egg explodes in his hand. Some of it lands on his face and cap. Jakartha appears behind the bushes across the street and lowers his sniper rifle]
Jakartha: Almost too easy. [drops down and crawls away]
Stan: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Kyle: Stan?
Stan: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Scene Description: Stan's house, day. He's in his room with his head down on his desk buried in his arms, with the shattered egg next to him. His door opens and Kyle steps in.
Kyle: Stan? Stan, I think we should talk.
Stan: [softly crying, muffled] Dude, you should just go be with Wendy and be happy.
Kyle: Stan, I don't like Wendy. [Stan's raises his head and listens] All I cared about was getting an A in this stupid project!
Stan: Yeah well, I blew it. Now we're gonna fail and Wendy thinks I'm a total loser.
Kyle: I thought you didn't care about Wendy anymore.
Stan: I don't. She's totally lame. [he drops his head into his arms again.]
Kyle: Stan, there was never anything between Wendy and I. [Stan's raises his head again] I wouldn't go out with my best friend's ex-girlfriend.
Stan: [hops off his chair and approaches Kyle, head down] I'm sorry I didn't trust you, Kyle. I'm obviously just a crappy best friend to have.
Kyle: Yyeah well, I-I'm sorry I didn't trust you either.
Stan: Huh?
Kyle: [turns away and walks a few paces] It was really important for me to get an A, Stan. And Bebe said you were so reckless with your egg, so I made a fake one for you [reaches into his jacket and pulls out an egg] and kept the original safe with me.
Stan: That... [walks up to Kyle and points at the egg] That's the real egg with Garrison's signature?
Kyle: Yeah dude. I'm sorry.
Stan: Then... then Wendy won't think I'm a total loser!
Kyle: Yeah. And I can still get my A!
Stan: Come on, buddy, let's go! [walks happily towards his door. Kyle steps forward, then stops]
Kyle: Stan... [Stan turns, then he turns away] Do you really think my hat is stupid?
Stan: [walks back and puts his left hand on Kyle's shoulder] As a matter of fact,... I think it is the nicest hat I've ever known. [Kyle smiles and Stan pats him twice on the back] Come on! [they head out]
Scene Description: Governor's office, outside. The Governor is speaking.
Bill Owens: Today is a very big day in which I'm supposed to make a very big decision. As some of you know, my biggest issue with gay marriage regards child-rearing. And a new study has just been concluded which will give me the ability to take no personal responsibility in this decision.
Big Gay Al: A new study?
Bill Owens: Here with the results of that study is the lovely Mrs. Garrison. [steps aside and gives her the podium.]
Mrs. Garrison: [floats in like a diva] Thank you, Governor.
Mr. Slave: [strokes his temple] Oh, Jesus Christ.
Mrs. Garrison: Ladies and Gentlemen, with the help of some adorable fourth-grade students, we've completed our scientific, non-biased study of fags having kids. Come on up, children. [the kids file into view and spread out before the podium. Jakartha shows up as well and stands next to the white chalkboard.] The parents were grouped together as male and female. As you can see...
Aide: [rushes up with a phone] Uh, Mrs. Garrison. You have an emergency phone call.
Mrs. Garrison: [takes the phone and answers] Yes, what is it?! I'm a little busy!
Kyle: [in the back seat of a speeding cab with Stan] Mr. Garrison, it's Kyle! Our egg is okay! We'll be there in a couple of minutes!
Mrs. Garrison: [turns away from the mic] What?? Y-your... you're too late!
Kyle: Don't fail us! We'll be right there!
Mrs. Garrison: No you can'- Hello? Hello!! [hauls Jakartha into view by the lapel] You told me you killed that freak egg!!
Jakartha: I was sure I did!
Mrs. Garrison: Well it's here! You'd better make damn sure it doesn't reach these steps uncracked! [shoves him away and returns to the mic] Haha, anyhow, as I was saying, we put one egg into the hands of two male students. [far away from the podium the cab screeches to a stop and the left back door opens. Stan hops out]
Kyle: [pays the cabbie] Thanks dude! [hops out behind Stan]
Stan: There! Over there! [they run through the crowd, taking care the egg doesn't fall out and break] Excuse us! Excuse us please!
Jakartha: [runs alongside them, aiming at the egg] Yeeeeaah! [opens fire. People begin to fall away left and right]
Stan: Jesus Christ!
Kyle: Keep running! [other people hear the gunfire and look around]
Mrs. Garrison: The the egg that the two boys were given just-
Kyle: Hang on! Wait! [Jakartha bumps someone aside and starts detonating hidden bombs around the plaza. Groups of people are thrown off in all directions. The Governor begins to pay attention]
Mrs. Garrison: In conclusion, Governor, you can rest assured that-! [one last blast is especially deadly. The area fills with dark brown smoke. As the smoke clears, Stan and Kyle hobble towards the podium, tattered clothes and all]
Stan: [tired, voice breaking] Teacher, our egg is... okay. [falls onto his back and passes out, holding the egg high for all to see]
Bill Owens: [kneels to inspect the egg] This egg is fine. [rises and steps forth] Gays can get married! [everyone cheers and gay couples hug each other in celebration.]
Mrs. Garrison: Noo! Noooo!!
Kyle: [still woozy] Gays can get married? What??
Scene Description: Wedding of Big Gay Al and Mr. Slave, at a gazebo nearby. The guests are in place, the happy couple and the minister are on the gazebo floor.
Fr. Maxi: I now pronounce you man... and man. [both men, Al and Slave, are wearing wedding dresses. They turn to face each other and kiss on the lips. Everyone present cheers, and Mr. Slave and Al run down the aisle to their new life together. Stan and Kyle appear as the crowd disperses]
Randy: [walks up and kneels next to Stan] Boys, I'm really proud of you. You've done an amazing thing for marriage rights. [rises and walks away. Wendy walks up]
Kyle: [still confused] What did we do?
Wendy: Stan, I'm sorry I doubted you. You really made a great dad.
Stan: [smugly] Like I give a crap about what you think, Wendy. [Wendy's face falls, then she turns and walks away sadly.]
Mrs. Garrison: Love, love lost long ago, it was special then, it's over now. Guess that I'll never know how it all went wrong. How how how? Well perhaps I should try and boldly go and rekindle that love lost long ago.