Scene Description: Tegridy Farms, day. The farm is decked out for Halloween. In the living room, Randy brings out more Halloween decorations. Sharon is working on her laptop, Stan is busy on his phone
Randy: [dances in with a Jack O'Lantern] It's the most wonderful time of the year. [puts it on the table] Well? You all excited, gang?
Stan: For Halloween? I guess so.
Randy: Ugh, this isn't any Halloween, because this week, Tegridy Weed is doing a Halloween special. It's big promotional thing. Everyone's gonna love it. Hey, wuh-where's Shelly?
Sharon: Shelly hasn't come out of her room in two days.
Randy: Why?
Sharon: [angrily] You know why, Randy.
Randy: [Sighs] Yeah. Yeah. [Sharon glances at him]
Scene Description: Shelly's room, later. Her door is open, and Randy walks in
Randy: Hey, Shelly? Can I talk to you for a minute?
Shelly: What do you want?
Randy: Come on, kiddo. [sits on her bed and motions for her to sit next to him] Come talk with your old man, huh? Come on now. [Shelly leaves her desk to sit on the bed] Shelly, we need to talk about your marijuana problem. You know, what's your problem with it?
Shelly: I hate marijuana!
Randy: Yes, we all know, but ugh, why?
Shelly: It stinks, and it makes everyone in this town dumber than they already are!
Randy: Shelly, the truth is, some of the most important people in the world smoke weed. Did you know that Snoop Dogg smokes weed?
Shelly: Yes, everyone knows Snoop Dogg is a stupid pothead!
Randy: Ugh, way more people enjoy marijuana than you think, okay? Okay, who's your idol? Who do you most look up to in the whole world?
Shelly: Serena Williams
Randy: Total stoner. High as a kite. Every tennis match.
Shelly: No she's not!
Randy: You don't know that, Shelly! Now you're just making assumptions!
Shelly: Everyone in this country is getting dumber, and I wish Marijuana was illegal again!
Randy: [gasps and stands up] Shelly! [begins to pace the room] Okay, loook. The thing is, this problem you're having with marijuana? It's just got to stop, okay? We're working on out Tegridy Farms Halloween Special, okay?? Nobody wants a giant bummer ruining it! I love you! [leaves and closes the door]
Scene Description: The Egyptian Artifact exhibit at the Denver Museum, day. A shadow appears, followed by the person casting it: Butters
Butters: [looks around] Whoa. Very impressive. [strokes his chin] Indeed. [walks up to a plaque and reads it with a loupe]
Stephen: [lookin gon with Linda] Find anything good, Butters/
Butters: One minute, Dad! Archeologist Butters just needs to get his stamp and sticker for his autograph book. [gets a sticker of Baster and a stamp] Aha! another rare find!
Stephen: Well, did you all enjoy the museum, gang?
Butters: Well wait wait, we can't leave yet! I got all the stickers and tamps except for one!
Stephen: Well I'm pretty sure we saw the whole exhibit.
Butters: Can I just check around one last time?
Stephen: Alright, Archeologist Butters, but then meet us back right here.
Butters: Well o-kay!
Scene Description: An Egyptian funeral ship. A guide is explaining its varioys aspects
Guide: What you're seeing here are original knots which were joined in the main pieces of the Khufu boat. The cedar timbers of the boat's hull were lashed together with hemp rope, a technique used until-
Randy: Whoa! Whoa! Wait just one second! Are you actually saying that hemp, a classification of cannabis [Shelly looks at him], was actually used by he ancient Egyptians? [strikes a pondering pose]
Guide: Well yes. In fact, it's been found that cannabis was used by Egyptians for its medical properties as well.
Randy: Hold the freaking phone! You're telling us that marijuana has been used throughout the centuries-?
Shelly: Is this why you brought me here?
Randy: No, I d-, I'm just, I'm surprised that-
Shelly: You said you wanted a special day with just your daughter. You said a father-daughter day at the museum could help us connect.
Randy: And, and it is, Shelly. We're havin' a great time!
Shelly: I don't care if Egyptians used stupid pot! [runs off in anger]
Randy: [noticing the stares, stands up] She has a marijuana problem. Shelly! [runs after her]
Scene Description: The Egyptian Artifact exhibit, at the same time. Butters retraces his steps
Butters: Been there... Saw that... Where's that stupid last sticker stamp? [sees a hallway he missed earlier] What's this? [he sees something ahead of him that excites him and runs to it. The sarcophagus of Took-tan Ra]
Butters: Whoa... [gets to the exhibit and reads through his loupe] "Sarcophagus and mummified remains of Egyptian royalty." This is it! My last sticker! [gets ready to stamp his sticker book...]
Jud: [interrupting] That's the mummy of Took-tan Ra. You don't wanna put that stamp in your sticker book. Nobody puts that stamp in their sticker book.
Butters: But this is my last one!
Jud: It's got a curse on it. Ancient love cure not fit for any child. You can look at the mummy all you like, but... you don't want that stamp... in your sticker book.
Butters: [looks at his sticker book] Haha, that's okay. I'm no ordinary child. I am Archeologist Butters! [stamps his sticker book and runs off happily. He doesn't notice the brief glow the stamp gives off] Happy Halloween, Mister!
Jud: [watching him go] For some of us, maybe.
Scene Description: Tegridy Farms, day. In the barn, Randy paces back and forth while talking to Towelie.
Randy: It's just so hard being a parent sometimes, you know? I've tried everything to get through to my daughter. I took her to a laser show, I played her all of Dark Side Of The Moon, but... it's like... it's like there's something in her head that just doesn't get it!
Towelie: That's awful, Randy. I'm sorry.
Randy: It's just- I have to live my life, you know? I can't let her problems with marijuana drag me down anymore.
Towelie: No, you're right You're totally right.
Randy: So, anyway, hey. How's the Halloween Special comin' along?
Towelie: The Halloween Special? Oh it's ready.
Randy: It's ready?
Towelie: Yeah, it's right over here. [shows Randy the way to the new plants]
Randy: O-ho wow! The Halloween Special! I'm so excited to try it.
Towelie: Yeah, it's basically a hybrid of our Tegridy Gold and Colorado Kush. Turned out really great, I think.
Randy: [inhales the aroma] Oh, wow, that is nice! I'd like to see anyone compete with this Halloween Special.
Scene Description: Butters' house, night. He's asleep in his bedroom, on his right side. He flips over to his left side, and the stamp begins to glow. Something goes thump and Butters sits up, wide awake. He hears a knock
Butters: M-Mon? [two knocks] ...Dad? [the door bursts open and a mummy walks in. Butters screams as the mummy trashes the room. The mummy then grabs Butters... and hugs him. Butters calms down] A little... Why. Oh. Okay. Oh. Okay. Okay. Oh that's okay. [softly] That's okay. There you go. [the mummy lets go and sits on the bed next to him, presenting him with a gift] Form, for me? Oh, thank you. [takes the gift and opens it] Oh wow! A Fitbit! [the mummy murmurs something] Why thank you. Thank you. I... actually already have a Fitbit, but I could-
Mummy: Huh?!
Butters: I could give this one to a friend. [the mummy growls and stands up angrily] I just... I have one, so... [the mummy goes into a rage and finishes trashing the room, then just turns around and leaves]
Scene Description: Tegridy Farms, kitchen, night. Shelly is cooking up a strange brew on a hot plate in her room.
Shelly: Furniture polish, paint thinner and bleach.Ammonia and antifreeze. One tablespoon each.I hate everybody, I just like to read.Everyone's stupid. They smoke too much weed.So with this eldritch potion and these ancient wordsI make my revenge upon all the turds.[she adds a lot more bleach and continues to stir]
Scene Description: Butters' house, day. He's eating Frankenberry cereal breakfast in the kitchen when he hears two knocks and gets alarmed. He leaves the kitchen to go to the front door. He opens the door and two officers stand outside
Officer Brown: Butters Stotch?
Butters: Yes sir?
Officer Brown: We want to ask you some questions about what happened in town last night.
Butters: what... happened in town?
Officer: People were attacked by an ancient Egyptian mummy. It killed five people and destroyed everything it could.
Butters: [nervous] Oh, uh, a mummy, huh? That's, that's weird.
Officer Brown: Oh, you just think that's weird? Because the mummy said you two got in some kind of altercation last night.
Butters: What?? The mummy talked to you??
Officer: Is it true, sir, that you and the mummy [reads his report] "got into an argument over a gift you didn't seem to appreciate"?
Butters: There was no argument. I just said I already had it and I'd give it to a friend.
Officer Brown: A present that the mummy got for you?
Butters: I, I just goh-
Officer Brown: You can see how that could be pretty hurtful.
Officer: Did you throw the mummy out of your house?
Butters: No! I didn't throw the mummy out of the house! The mummy got all pissed off at me and left! [the officers look at each other, and Brown whips out his own notepad and starts writing]
Officer Brown: You're gonna have to share in the damages here, son.
Butters: But I didn't do anything wrong! Okay, look officers, I think [cups his hands together nervously] I'm under some kind of curse.
Officer: Well that's what the mummy told us about you.
Officer Brown: You got a summons to appear in court. Until then I just suggest you and the mummy stay away from each other. [rips out the ticket citation and plants it on Butters' forehead]
Scene Description: Tegridy Farms, barn, day. Randy and Towelie are sampling their newest hybrid.
Randy: Oh, man, I really like it.
Towelie: Yeah, it's smooth.
Randy: It's really smooth. This is so good that we shold stop smoking it right now. We don't want to ruin our Halloween experience, you know? [Shelly walks in with her eldritch potion, unseen] This is seriously gonna be the best Halloween ever. [she chucks the potion all over the Halloween Special, causing Randy and Towelie to turn to see what happened. Many of the plants suffer chemical burns. Randy gets alarmed] AAAAAAA! Shelly!
Shelly: That's what I think of your stupid special! [walks away and Randy races for the plants]
Randy: No! Nooo!!
Scene Description: South Park Elementary gymnasium, day. Mr. Mackey has another assembly, this time over appropriate halloween costumes.
PC Principal: Alright everyone, listen up. Halloween has almost arrived and I wanna make sure that we are all aware of certain guidelines when it comes to Halloween costumes at school. Now, I don't wanna see any FUCKING SOMBREROS! Alright, if I see any fucking Mexican sombreros, or anyone fucking dressed like a fucking Native American, I'm gonna lose my fuckin' shit! There will be no hobos, or bums, anything depicting people from low-income households.
Cartman: Ahp, no Halloween for you, Kenny.
PC Principal: And lastly, heed my fuckin' words. If I see any of you girls dressed as fucking Moana, I'm gonna lose my fucking mind! Alright now, the student book fair is coming up next week. We encourage all students to be able to- [crasing sounds herald the mummy's arrival. It crashes through the double doors and stomps across the floor. The students flee in all directions. The mummy grabs students at random and throws them all over the place]
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, Counselor's Office, moments later. Butters faces Mr. Mackey.
Butters: ...and that's all that happened. I put that stamp in the sticker book, and now this mummy is destroying everything around me. I need help.
Mr. Mackey: Okay. An-and do you feel like maybe the mummy is trying to, you know, get you to react?
Butters: Wuh-what, what do you mean?
Mr. Mackey: Well, you know, Butters, the mummy feels like you get to do whatever you want, but it doesn't get to do whatever it wants.
Butters: Wait. The mummy talked to you, too?
Mr. Mackey: Yeah, yeah, we had a good talk, yeah.
Butters: Why is it talking to everyone?!
Mr. Mackey: I think the mummy is very insightful and cares about you a lot.
Butters: No it doesn't! This is crazy!
Mr. Mackey: Look, the mummy's just sad because you get to go to school and have fun, and what does the mummy get to do? You know, it just sits around being a mummy. You know, that's not fair.
Butters: First of all, I don't have fun at school! And secondly... the mummy can do whatever it wants; I don't care!
Mr. Mackey: Right, but you do care, Butters, because you're sitting in my office talking all about the bad things that the mummy does.
Scene Description: Tegridy Farms, day. Randy sits in his wooden swing and looks at one of the tickets he had made for his Halloween Special weed. He sighs.
Towelie: [appears in the yard behind him] Randy, quick! You gotta come see!
Randy: I just need some time, okay, Towelie?
Towelie: Look! You don't understand! The special! Well, it's a miracle! [leaves. Randy gets up to follow him] Come on! You're not gonna believe it! [they head for the barn]
Scene Description: The barn. They step inside
Randy: Alright, Towelie, what is this ab-? Whoa! [the Halloween Special has overgrown and taken root all over the barn] The Halloween Special!
Towelie: Whatever your daughter threw on this shit made it more powerful than ever!
Randy: [jumps for joy] Yeah! We're back!
Towelie: Yeah!
Randy: Yeah! Yeah!
Scene Description: A restaurant, day. Butters is enjoying drinks with the main four and Token.
Butters: I have to end this curse, fellas. It's getting worse every day. Last night the mummy attacked my parents, and it said I was being narcissistic. It has no reason. No logic! One minute it's destroying everything, and the next it's sending me selfies like nothing ever happened. Look! [sure enough, there are several selfies of the mummy - in a park, in bed, working out - on his phone] This whole thing is so crazy it's starting to make me think I'm crazy!
Stan: Well, it is a little crazy how much you talk about the mummy.
Butters: [jaw drops, then] It's a freaking mummy! Wouldn't you talk about it?!
Kyle: We're just saying, Butters, that sometimes it all seems a little codependent.
Cartman: Yeah, like you and the mummy need to do your own things sometimes.
Butters: I would love that, but I don't have a choice! I swear, you guys. Mummies can smell fun! Whenever I'm somewhere, and I actually start havin' a good time, I get a call or a text from the mummy sayin' "Hey, what are you doin'?" Like it knows.
Token: Well, you're kinda havin' fun now, aren't you?
Butters: Yeah. It is fun to get away and just talk to you guys. [the mummy pops up outside their window and throws its arms at it three times. The boys are spooked for a bit, then calm down] Oh, gosh darnit. [leaves the table] Hang on a second, fellas. [the mummy's eyes follow him]
Scene Description: Tegridy Farms, day. Randy is putting new labels on jars of Tegridy Weed and humming, then placing them on a table by the front door
Randy: Okay, that should be enough Halloween Special for the first few people [there are some 84 jars on the table] Now, I think we should put the open bar in this area [screen left] and the hot tub maybe right here [screen right. Shelly walks in wearing a backpack].
Towelie: Yeah, that'll work well.
Shelly: Dad, you have to drive me to the book fair.
Randy: What what? [chuckles]
Shelly: Mom said you have to drive me because she's taking Stan trick-or-treating.
Randy: [skeptical] You're going to a book fair?
Shelly: Yes.
Randy: On fucking Halloweed?
Shelly: Yes!
Randy: [squeezes his face] I don't even know how to deal with you anymore. [gets in her face] You're doing this on purpose, aren't you?!
Shelly: [moves to the front door] You're my dad, drive me to the book fair!
Randy: I will not! I have things to get ready, and nobody cares about books on Halloween, Shelly!
Shelly: The last thing people in this town need is more marijuana! [kicks the legs out from under the table, and the jats crash onto the floor, shattering. She leaves]
Randy: OH MY GOD! [kneels next to his ruined product]
Scene Description: Park County Police Station. Randy is talking to Det. Harris, with Shelly beside him
Randy: [sobbing] It's a nightmare! It's a personal hell! I've done everything I can, as a father, to help he with her problem, but she just ignores everything I say! I can't do this!
Shelly: You're such a piece of shit, Dad!
Randy: Oh, Shelly, I love you!
Det. Harris: What does her mother have to say about this?
Randy: Her mother doesn't say anything anymore! Whenever I bring up our daughter's marijuana problem, my wife says "I'm gonna lose my mind if you bring this up again." It's destroying all of us! I just think, maybe a night in jail is the wakeup call that she needs. I'm barely gonna have fun at the Halloween Special now! It's gonna be really hard for me to rage knowing you're in here, Shelly. It's gonna be really hard for me to rage! [an officer takes Shelly to a jail cell nearby, then opens it for her]
Officer Brown: Alright, there you go. [Shelly goes in and turns around] When you have a problem with drugs and alcohol, you hurt everyone around you. Happy Halloween. [slides the door shut]
Butters: What are you in for? I'm in here because *apparently* I'm a passive-aggressive controlling and manipulative psychopath whose narcissitic behavior drives other people crazy.
Scene Description: Tegridy Farms, night. The Halloween special is undreway. Klieg lights shine their beams into the sky. MC Hammer's "Turn This Mutha Out" pumps through the loudspeakers. The living room is filing with people
Guest 1: Hey, trick or treat. We're here for the Halloween Special?
Towelie: All right, here you go, guys. [hands him a jar of Halloween Special] That's a promotional gift from Tegridy Farms.
Randy: Hey, come on in, guys! There's candy and hot dogs!
Guest 2: Alright. [Towelie hands him a jar as well]
Randy: Samplers of the special are there on the table, guys. Feel free to light up!
Towelie: Wow, we're almost out, Randy. I gotta go to the barn and get some more.
Randy: Okay, I'll hold down the fort. [Towelie leaves]
Scene Description: Tegridy Farms, outside. Towelie walks through the field to the barn
Towelie: Jimmy crack corn and I don't care. Jimmy crack- [stops] Uh, what? [a bright light shines through all the windows on the barn as the Halloween Special has spread to the exterior walls of the barn]
Scene Description: Park County Police Station, night
Butters: So I said, "Okay, fine. You don't ever do anything wrong! It's all me! You've got no problems, only I have problems! Alright, uh I'll lock my own ass up! Then we'll see who's got issues!"
Shelly: Will you SHUT UP?
Butters: I'll be in here, and something will go horribly wrong tonight, and then the monster will have to accept what it is, and finally work on changing, right?
Shelly: Probably not.
Scene Description: Tegridy Farms, the Halloween Special event. Randy is talking to one of the guests in the hot tub
Randy: Naw, you see, fluvial geomorphology deals with the way rivers change over time. It's geology shit. It's why I got out of it, really.
Guest 2: Hey man, what's in this weed? [guests around him are clutching their bellies]
Randy: Oh! That's a company secret, my friend!
Guest 1: No, I meant I- I don't feel so good. [begins to gargle and growl]
Randy: Hey, are you alright there, buddy? [marijuana seems to sprout on the guest's body and turned him into a zombie. He turns around and growls at Randy] Whoa, dude, did you see that?! [looks over at his guest, who now, too, looks zombified. Randy jumps out of the hot tub when he notices all his guests looking like zombies, puts on a towel and runs outside]
Scene Description: The marijuana field. Randy and Towelie run into each other
Both: AAAAA!
Randy: Towelie! There's something wrong with thte special!
Towelie: There's somethin' in the barn! The thing you killed! It wants revenge! [they head for the barn, and Randy sees it glowing like Towelie did before]
Randy: Oh Jesus! What happened?! [goes inside while Towelie waits outside]
Towelie: It's dead because o'you! And now it wants your soul!
Randy: [faces him] What?! What's dead because o'me?! [a shadow rises up and Randy notices: it's Winnie the Pooh clutching his intestines]
Pooh: [cocks his head to one side] Oh, hello there. Would you like to die?
Randy: [runs out] Ooooohh! Winnie the Pooh! Winnie the Pooh!
Scene Description: Park County Police Station, night. An officer runs in
Officer Brown: Detective Harris! Something's going down at the Marsh farm!
Officer: Calm down, sir! I can't understand you!
Det. Harris: Put him on speaker. [the officer switches from earpiece to speaker]
Randy: There's monsters everywhere! It's some kind of curse! Unspeakable evil!
Butters: [listening from his cell] The mummy! I told you!
Randy: All different kindds of monsters! Zombies and plant people and bears! Oh my God! What's that?! Oh my God, it's Harvey Weinstein! He's got me! You've got to-argh! He's inside me! Harvey Weinstein is inside me! You've gotta send help! People are dying everywhere! No! Harvey, I said no! Please, somebody co- [the connection is cut]
Det. Harris: This is it, everyone! Let's move! All hands on deck! We've gotta take these monsters down! [all the officers rush out. Yakes returns]/i> Bring the kid who manipulates the mummy with his passive-aggressive serlfishness! [an officer opens the jail cell, and Butters and Shelly walk out]
Scene Description: Tegridy Farms, night. The Special event is still in full swing as the police pull up to the entrance. The officers leave their cruisers and jump into position with their rifles. An officer brings out a bazooka
Det. Harris: Alright, men, let's take thee monsters out!
Shelly: [intervenes] No, just hold on a second! I'll take care of this. [walks to the house. Meanwhile, out back, Randy and Towelie are still running, but are stopped by the cose they slaughtered in "Let Them Eat Goo."]
Randy: Oh God, it's the cows we killed!
Pooh: Oh. I'm really going to enjoy eating your brains. [leaps up to Randy's head and starts gnawing on it.]
Randy: Get 'im off of me! Get 'im off of me! Oh my God! Get 'im off of me! [In her bedroom, Shelly is cooking up an antidote. She hears Randy and Towelie screaming and goes to look out the window] Waugh! Get 'im off of me!
Both: Help! Somebody help us! Get them off of me! Waugh! [she sees them flailing about, but with no cows, bears, or other monsters around them. They are hallucinating]
Both: Somebody help us!
Towelie: Somebody help us!
Randy: Get 'im off of me! Augh! We gotta fight them, Towelie!
Towelie: Help! somebody help us!
Randy: Waugh!
Towelie: I wanna live! Get them of of me! Help! sombody help us!
Randy: We're going to live! We're going to live! [Shelly goes back to her pot and continues brewing] Help! Waugh, get him off of me! Get him off of me! You monsters! Go back to hell! [they begin to babble, and Randy punches the air] There's too many of 'em! [looks off to his left] Oh! What is, What is that?! [a blurry Shelly runs up to him with her pot] Oh! No! [she drenches him with her potion and he goes limp. He murmurs a fewwwww syllables and falls over]
Scene Description: Tebridy Farms, entrance.
Det. Harris: Alright, that's it everyone! Nothin' to see here. Just some people who are really, really high.
Officers: [let down] Aawwwwwwww.
Officer Stevens: I can't shoot anyone?
Det. Harris: [walks up to Butters] You were so convinced the mummy was to blame for everything, weren't you? So convinced you made us all believe it too.
Butters: I'm... [cups his hands together] I'm sorry?
Det. Harris: Yeah, well it's not us ...you really need to be sorry to. [looks over Butters' head at something. Butters follows his gaze amd sees tje mummy standing at the farm's entrance.] Let's see if you even have a shred of decency to apologize when something is clearly your fault. [Butters walks to the mummy]
Butters: I'm so sorry. You're right. I can be selfish and narcissistic. Ah I'm gonna work on myself and... and try to make this curse work somehow. [the mummy rreaches into a back pocket and gives Butters a parting present, sighs, and walks over to a red car, opens the trunk, packs his suitcase, closes the trunk, gets into the driver's seat, puts on some sunglasses, and drives away. Butters open the present and reads the letter inside, which is just Egyptian hieroglyphics]
Officer Brown: [looks over Butters' shoulder] It says, "I hope you can get the help you need. I can't fix you"
Scene Description: Tegridy Farms, day. All the decorations are thrown away and lots of trash bins wait for pickup. Inside, Randy comes down the stairs looking quite beat up. The rest of the family is eating toast and cereal.
Randy: Hey, guess I slept in late, huh? What time is it? [serves himself some coffee]
Sharon: It's 8:15 am. November 3rd.
Randy: Ooof, wow. That was some strong-ass Halloween Special, y'all. I mean... I saw rapists in the hot tub, zombie cows. I thought I was gonna die, and then, this fat, bitchy angel came and put me to bed. [Shelly shoots a look at him for a few seconds, then looks at her food] Did everyone enjoy the Halloween Special?
Sharon: No, Randy. Only you did.
Randy: Oh. Well, that was pretty much my target audience anyway. [walks away from the table with his coffee, back to the stairs] Hey, at least I really didn't have butt sex with Harvey Weinstein, huh? [sees something on the floor] Oh [it's a used confom. He picks it up and shows it to the family] Or did I? [twirls it around a few times] Woo! Happy Halloween, everybody! [lets go, and the condom lands on a wall, releasing its contents.]


Randy: Hey, good morning, everybody. Welcome to Tegridy Breakfast, the show where we talk about everything Tegridy Farms. I'm Randy Marsh.
Towelie: Hehehey, folks. I'm Towelie.
Randy: Today we're gonna talk about what's been growing on the farm, especially our new Tegridy Thanksgiving Special. [displays the new strain in a mason jar]
Towelie: I'll tell you what. I-I, I smoked that out of a four-foot bong, and it just about destroyed my fro-
Agent: [coming in with another agent and two police officers] Alright, wrap it up! Shut this down! Come on, Marsh, Let's go.
Randy: Guh, uh go where?
Agent: Everyone's had enough, Mr. Marsh. I'm gonna need you to come with us. [an officer steps forth to arrest him]
Randy: [stands, to be arrested] What the hell are you do-? [remembers his show] Sorry, everybody. We'll be right back.
Officer 1: Let's go!
Scene Description: Tegridy Farms, day, outside
Randy: What do you think you're-? My show! My Tegridy Farms show!
Scene Description: City Hall, later. The City Council is in session. The officer brings Randy in, handcuffed
Randy: Hello, Mayor. Mr. and Mrs. Tweek, ... Mackey.
Mayor McDaniels: Mr. Marsh, do you remember a few weeks ago when homes in South Park were attacked by a terrorist called Mexican Joker?
Randy: Yah, Mexican Joker. That was terrible.
Mayor: Right. Except there was no Mexican Joker. It was you who blew up people's yards because they were home-growing their own marijuana.
Randy: [bites his lip, then chuckles] Well, that's ridiculous.
Mayor: The Tweeks have come forward with some footage caught on their security camera.
Randy: Guys, I have nothing against homegrowers.
Mayor: Run the footage, please! [her aide starts up the video. Randy is shown creeping up to a homegrown operation and pissing into it.]
Randy: Hm... [the footage shown him getting deeper into the small garden and pooping in it] Hmmm... [then it shows him burying an explosive and walking away. Two seconds later there's an explosion and the camera footage is interrupted.]
Mayor: People are fed up, Marsh. The past few weeks you've held parades for yourself, needlessly slaughtered a thousand cows, made deals with the Chinese, and nearly poisoned everyone with your Halloween Special. Everyone's had enough of Tegridy Farms.
Randy: Enough of Tegridy Farms? South Park is NOTHING without Tegridy Farms!
Mayor: You'll be taken to county jail to await your trial. Get him out of here. [an attending officer comes in to do the job]
Randy: I didn't do anything wrong! [the officer pulls Randy up to his feet and walks him away] You people are just jealous! Jealous that I took over South Park and I'm successful! [the officer takes Randy out of the office]
Mayor: Well. At least now South Park can start getting back to normal.
Scene Description: The neighborhood park, day. Two teams of six players each oppose each other in a game of football. Kenny has the ball and Cartman is set to receive it.
Cartman: Titty farts! Titty farts dog wiener. [backs away] Dog wiener, dog wiener! [gets back into position] Pubic mound. Pubic mound.
Kyle: Just hike the stupid ball, Cartman.
Cartman: Pubic mound titty farts hike! [receives the ball from Kenny. Kyle counts down 15 seconds before Cartman throws the ball.]
Kyle: Mississippi one Mississippi two Mississippi three Mississippi four Mississippi five Mississippi six Mississippi seven Mississippi eight Mississippi nine Mississippi ten Mississippi eleven Mississippi twelve Mississippi thirteen Mississippi fourteen Mississippi.
Jason: [while Kyle counts] Hey, I'm open!
Cartman: [while Kyle counts] You can't catch!
Jason: [while Kyle counts] Dude, I'm wide open! [Cartman releases the ball, and it goes high. Jason goes into the street to catch it, but is struck down by a police car and killed. The officer doesn't stop. The ball comes down next to Jason two seconds later. Most of the boys are aghast]
Cartman: That totally would have been a touchdown.
Scene Description: The Church, day. Funeral music plays. Mrs. White is heard crying. Jason's casket and picture are shown
Fr. Maxi: Little Jason White was a happy child. A playful child. And ultimately it was his playfulness in sports that got him killed in a freak hit-and-run accident. The father would like to now say a few words. [leaves the podium and gives Bob a quick hug as Bob takes the podium.]
Bob: I'm Robert White, Jason's father, and I can tell you that as a White, Jason lived a challenged life. When I look out on this congregation, I can't help but think, "There's not a whole lot of people here." Doesn't seem like a big deal. Nobody's outraged. 'Cause it was our family. Nobody cares when a White gets killed by the police. There should be protests and marches, but NO. The police killed a White! That's not protest-worthy! Everybody's busy trying to lock up Randy Marsh! Now my wife and I have a dead child and we can't even get any weed to make us feel better! Yeah, don't listen to me. I'm just a White. [leaves the podium. His wife is still crying.]
Scene Description: Tegridy Farms, day. Sharon is at the dinner table addressing her kids
Sharon: Kids, I have something to tell you, but I don't want you to be scared, okay? Daddy is... in police custody until there's a hearing. He could be in jail for a long time.
Shelly: Do you promise?
Stan: Like, how long is "a long time"? Could it be years?
Sharon: It could be, sweetheart. We don't know.
Stan: YES!
Shelly: Is it possible he could get out of it?
Sharon: Of course it's possible, honey
Shelly: Egh! [looks away angrily]
Stan: But if he doesn't get out of it, then what happens to us?
Sharon: We probably have to sell the farm and move, back to town, and, sort of, live our lives without the marijuana business and without daddy. [a smile keeps breaking through as she explains things] Juts... try to stay hopeful, kids.
Stan: We will, Mom. You too.
Sharon: Okay, you too, Shelly.
Shelly: Okay, Mom. You too.
Scene Description: The White House, day. President Garrison is in the Oval Office cracking nuts and eating them. The phone rings and he picks up.
Garrison: What? ...Who? ...Oh okay, sure, put him through. This is the President.
Randy: Hi, Mr. Ga- Mr. President, Uh, I'm really sorry to bother you. Look, uh... I'm in a bit of trouble.
Garrison: Huho, tell me about it.
Randy: Yeah, they uh, someone got some supposed evidence on me doing something... "illegal" and uh.
Garrison: Well, did you tell everyone you didn't do anything wrong?
Randy: Y-yeah, of course.
Garrison: Well, did you then go on the attack and swap the accusations to make yourself a victim?
Randy: Did I what?
Garrison: Oh Jeez, DARVO, Randy. Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. Alright, let's role-play. You be your accusers and I be you. Okay, go.
Randy: Uh, uhm, "Hey, you! You blew up people's yards who were growing their own marijuana!"
Garrison: "No I didn't! Are you joking, you psychopath?! Now you're blowin' up my yard!" Go ahead, try another one.
Randy: "You, you illegally damaged property and made your business-"
Garrison: "You damage property to make your business more profitable, you lying sack of shit! I'm not gonna be bullied by you!" See? [looks at footage of himself speaking on several screens] It's really not that hard, just takes a little chin wiggle.
Randy: Jeez, you're really good at that. Look, what I really need from you is some personnel. Do you know any good lawyers?
Garrison: Do I know any good lawyers? No, but I do know Rudy Giuliani. [at this point Rudy peaks out from under the desk.]
Giuliani: Hehey hey, fuck you!
Garrison: The fuck you, Rudy. Are you finished cleaning up those pistachio nuts yet?
Giuliani: Yeah, that's all of them, Mr. President.
Garrison: Listen, Randy, I'm gonna throw you a bone. You just sit tight and I'll have him take care of this.
Scene Description: Tegridy farms, day. The Broflovskis ring the front door bell
Sharon: Sheila, Gerald, hi.
Sheila: Hi, Sharon. We just know you're going through a really hard time right now. We wanted to bring you guys some lasagna.
Sharon: Oh that's so sweet, thank you. Other families have brought some stuff too. Come on in. [Gerald and Sheila go in and find something of a party going on. Shelly is dancing on the sofa] Hey guys. We got lasagna. [Stan, Butters, and Cartman show up and run around her]
Shelly: I love lasagnaaa.
Sharon: No running in the house, you little turkeys. [the boys run off, and Gerald and Sheila join her]
Sheila: Oh, look at that, Sharon. You took down all the pictures of marijuana.
Sharon: Oh, yeah. You know, just too painful. You know, they remind me of Randy. That's why I took Randy's pictures as well, because, you know, they remind me of Randy.
Linda Black: Look, I'm sorry if you don't want to talk about it, but have you thought of what you guys might do if Randy gets put away?
Sharon: Yeah, I've kind of made a list of all the things I might do. It's kind of a long list.
Bob: Oh, isn't this lovely? [The music scratches to a stop. He, his wife and their daughter are just inside] The whole town, turning out to support the Marsh family in their time of need. [looks of shock great them] Our son was killed by the police.
Mrs. White: [sobbing] Why?
Bob: Would have been nice if somebody had brought us some lasagna. You know, if I'm not mistaken, it almost seems like you people are happy that Tegridy Farms is being indicted. It's almost like you're reveling in it. My wife and I were both Tegridy Plus members! We always believed in Randy Marsh. We believed... in Tegridy. And now there's less Whites. Now there's less Whites. [they turn and leave]
Butters: Oh Jeez. We should have never played football that close to the road.
Cartman: Yeah, this isn't right.
Butters: Wu-where are you going, Eric?
Cartman: I think I might be able to help them. [follows the Whites out]
Scene Description: Tegridy Farms, outside. The Whites are close to the entrance when Eric calls out to them
Cartman: Mr. and Mrs. White! [The Whites stop and he catches up to them] I'm sorry about what happened. I knew Jason pretty well. He was a shitty receiver, but he would have wanted his parents to... move on. And help a new child.
Mrs. White: What? What do you mean?
Cartman: A few weeks ago, I was sent somewhere. It was a place where people like you could find a way to fill that empty hole.
Scene Description: Texas detention center, day. An ICE bus pulls up and unloads its passengers, all parents seeking children to adopt
Jeff: Welcome, everyone. My name is Jeff. We're thrilled you've come to help out and adopt. The parents of the children inside have all been deported, but the kids are legal citizens, since they were born in the United States. [he leads the group inside and down some hallways lined with kennels] Mr. and Mrs. White?
Bob: Yes?
Jeff: We've all heard about your tragic loss. I'd love to help out however I can. Is there something specific you're looking for?
Mrs. White: We... don't really know.
Jeff: Well, we've got all kinds here, depending on your preferences. [points out the various kinds of kids he has as they move down the hallway] Here's a little Panamanian. They're very clean. This is a Colombian shorthair. Oh, and this is a good one. This is a Baja shepherd.
Baja Shepherd: Quiero a mi papá. Quiero a mi mamá. ["I want my dad. I want my mom."]
Jeff: Bien, gracias. ¿Y tú? ["Fine, thanks. And you?"]
Bob: Oh, honey. Look at the Peruvian hairless.
Jeff: Yes, they're pretty silly-looking. Great with kids though.
Bob: Hey, what's this little guy?
Jeff: Oh, why, this is a purebred Mexican. He's had all his shots; parents were deported two weeks ago. Here, we can let him run around a little bit. [opens the kennel to let the boy out]
Mexican: [steps out] Mi familia. ¿Dónde está? ["My family. Where is it?"]
Jeff: Bien, gracias. ¿Y tú? ["Fine, thanks. And you?"]
Mrs. White: Oh Bob, he's kind of perfect.
Bob: Hello, little fellow. How would you like to be a White? [the boy is dumbfounded]
Scene Description: County Jail Infirmary at South Park, day. It has 8 beds, six of which are filled. Randy is in the one at far right. A doctor is checking out his ears
Randy: Look, doctor. You have to give me something. I'm really sick.
Doctor: What exactly are your symptoms?
Randy: I'm like, starting to question things that I've done. Like, starting to question the person I've become. And I can't sleep at night I, I just lay in my cell wondering if I've been a bad father lately, and a bad husband, and... please, it really hurts. I need some marijuana.
Doctor: Sounds like you haven't had access to marijuana for a while, now reality is setting in.
Randy: I just need a little medicinal weed and these symptoms will all go away.
Doctor: Well maybe they shouldn't go away. Maybe this is your wake-up call that you've been abusing drugs, and need to face all your wrongdoings, try to turn your life around.
Randy: You need to turn your life around! Clearly you have the addiction problem and I'm just your whipping boy!
Doctor: That's not going to work, Mr. Marsh. You're not the President of the United States.
Randy: Ahh, poop!
Scene Description: The White house, evening. The Whites and their newly-adopted son are enjoying TV dinners in the living room. The boy studies them
Mrs. White: Well Alejandro, how are you enjoying being a White so far?
Alejandro: Mi familia. ¿Dónde está? ["My family. Where is it?"]
Mrs. White: Bien, gracias. ¿Y tú? ["Fine, thanks. And you?"]
Bob: Yes, it's good us Whites have each other, Alejandro, because... I need to tell you something. You see, now that you're a White, life isn't gonna be so easy. You're gonna find that a lot of people in this world just don't care about the Whites.
Mrs. White: You'll hear about how others in the world are mistreated, but nobody will care when you are.
Crystal: Being a White is the hardest thing ever.
Bob: That's my little White. [the boy is using a phone all of a sudden. Bob notices something onscreen] Oh, turn it up, honey.
Anchor: And the President of the United States today called the allegations against Randy Marsh "total, buttfucking bullshit," and claims the neighbors who came forward with the evidence video are "tampon-faced, 69ing whistleblowers." When asked for clarification, the President's lawyer and treasonous pig Rudy Giuliani, had this to say.
Giuliani: Ohhh, this is just a conspiracy. It's conspiracy! And we need everyone out there who, who don't think their voices are heard, to make their voices louder!
Bob: Uh, he's absolutely right. Starting tomorrow, the Whites are gonna start actively trying to stop all this trial nonsense.
Mrs. White: Bob, Alejandro's on your phone and it's past phone use time.
Bob: Hey! [snatches the phone from him.] Why, he's trying to call Mexico! Alejandro, the Whites do not use mobile devices after 7 pm.
Mrs. White: Why would he try to call long distance to Mexico? Does he just assume that the Whites have all the money in the world?
Bob: The Whites don't call long distance! [bops Alejandro on the head with the remote control]
Mrs. White: Jason never tried to use mobile devices after the cutoff time. Jason never tried to call long distance. [begins to cry and leaves the living room]
Bob: Well good job, Alejandro! Now you've upset your mother!
Alejandro: ¡Esa no es mi madre! ["That's not my mother!"]
Mr. White: Bien, gracias. ¿Y tú? [Alejandro looks at him quizzically]
Scene Description: County Prison Therapy Room. Two guards keep watch over eight inmates in this room. A Relationship graph is drawn on a whiteboard under the room's sign
Randy: I've had a lot of time to just sit in here and think. I'm starting to realize I have this pattern of behavior where I... always want more. More weed, more drinks, more deals with the Chinese. It's never enough. See, I've always had my flaws, but at the end of the day, I cared about people. You know what the President said? He said just deny everything and make yourself the victim. Yeah, well... maybe he's part of how I got here. Maybe the President has brought down my moral meter. I don't mean to cast blame - I'm to blame - but... ever since he was elected, I've compared my morals to his. And no matter how awful I am, I'm never as bad a the President, so I'm... okay.
Scene Description: The Whites are in front of a market. Alejandro and Crystal carry bells in their hands, Bob has a clipboard, and his wife carries a sign: "STOP THIS RIDICULOUS PERSECUTION!"
Bob: Help support Tegridy Farms and Randy Marsh! Randy Marsh has done nothing wrong! Stop the ridiculous persecution! [Alejandro is mad, so he doesn't ring his bell]
Mrs. White: Exonerate Tegridy Farms? [a woman walks into the store without stopping to contribute.] Oh yeah! Just ignore us! The Whites are used to it!
Bob: Good one, honey.
Crystal: Daddy! Alejandro isn't ringing his bell!
Bob: Alejandro! There's few enough of us as it is! We're not gonna stop this trial unless all the Whites chip in! [takes the bell from Alejandro and rings it] Now ring your bell! [bops him on the head with it, rings it, and gives it back to him.]
Alejandro: [throws his bell away] ¡No quiero estar aquí! ["I don't want to be here!"]
Mrs. White: It's like he doesn't appreciate us, Bob.
Bob: Oh, I know.
Mrs. White: I mean, we give him a place to live, food, we take care of him.
Bob: It just... [soft gasp] he just doesn't seem happy. Maybe if we got him a little thing to take care of and feed he'd understand how much responsibility it is.
Scene Description: Texas detention center, day. The Whites are back at the detention center with Alejandro
Jeff: We're so glad you came back, Mr. and Mrs. White. We have even more kids now whose parents have been deported.
Bob: See one you like, Alejandro? Now that you're a White, you can pick anyone you want.
Jeff: Oh, here's a good one. Four years old, parents just deported yesterday. He's a Panamanian podengo pequeño.
Bob: Do you like him, Alejandro?
Jeff: We could see how he gets along with the kids. [opens the kennel door and the boy walks out]
Panamanian: Quiero a mi mamá. ["I want my mom."]
Alejandro: Nunca la vas a ver. ["You won't see her again".]
Mrs. White: Oh look. I think he likes him.
Bob: Alright, Alejandro, but you have to take care of him and clean up after him.
Mrs. White: This is a great addition to our family.
Bob: Yeah. [in her ear] Now there will be more Whites to stop those needless hearings.
Scene Description: South Park County Prison, Cell 13. Randy sits alone in this cell looking at a picture of his family.
Officer Peterson: Hey Marsh, you got a visitor.
Randy: I do?
Officer Peterson: [taking Randy to the visiting room] Fifteen minutes. That's all you get. [Randy goes in]
Giuliani: Hello Mr. Marsh? My name is Mr. Giuliani. I've been sent to try and help you.
Randy: Oh. Thanks, but I think I'm just gonna plead guilty.
Giuliani: Oh, that sounds like someone who's a little down in the puss. The President said you would be, and he thought you might need a little something special. [proceeds to take down his pants and briefs] Ssshhhhhh. [reaches into his ass and pulls out a joint, then lights it] Would this make you feel better?
Randy: Oh. Ohhh.
Giuliani: [waves the joint around] Is this just what the doctor ordered?
Randy: Yeahhh. [jumps forward and takes a long drag]
Scene Description: Breaking News
Field reporter: Tom, I'm standing outside the government building where Randy Marsh is about to be arraigned. Protesters from both sides have gathered here. Some of them who are for the proceedings...
Crowd: Lock him up! Lock him up! Lock him up! Lock him up! Lock him up!
Field reporter: ...and also those in support of ending the investigation.
The Whites: Let him go! Let him go!
Mrs. White: These hearings are a waste of the taxpayers' money!
Bob: Nothing in these hearings will change the Whites' minds one bit!
Crystal: Daddy!
Bob: What?
Crystal: Alejandro isn't putting on his sunscreen! [he's holding on to a bottle of it, though]
Bob: Alejandro, what have we told you?! All Whites wear sunscreen! Put it on right now! [takes the sunscreen and bops it on his head]
Alejandro: ¡Ahhh! ¡No necesito protector solar! ¡Necesito a mi madre y a mi padre! ["Ahhh. I don't need sunscreen! I need my mom and my dad!"]
Bob: ¡BIEN, GRACIAS! ¡¿Y TÚ?! Now put it on! [opens the sunscreen and rubs it all over Alejandro's face, giving him the whiteface of a clown.]
Alejandro: ¡Alto! ¡Aah! ¡Alto! ¡Te odio! ¡Te odio! ["Stop! Aah! Stop! I hate you! I hate you!" He runs away]
Scene Description: City Hall, day. The Mayor. The City Council of 13 is seated. Mr. Mackey isn't present, as he was protesting outside. The President and Mr. Giuliani are present, flanking Randy. A small crowd of people is witness to the arraignment
Mayor: In the South Park vs. Tegridy Farms matter, we are now ready to proceed with the arraignment. Before doing so, Mr. Marsh, do you have any words?
Randy: Yeah, I have some words to say!
Giuliani: Go get 'em! Go, go get 'em!
Randy: I can't believe I'm being attacked here! You people are monsters! The evidence shows me in a yard taking a dump! Yes! Because I was setting a trap for Mexican Joker! [skeptical cries erupt from the crowd] That's right! And Mexican Joker attacked seconds later! I was trying to protect you people from terrorists! And what do I get for it?! I get a- a bunch of- [the President and Giuliani cheer him on silently] A bunch of... No... No, I can't do this. You wanna know what really happened? The President... sent me his lawyer, and his lawyer told me what to say to get off and gave me a joint in prison.
Crowd: [swelling] What??
Randy: And then I smoked that joint! And you know what I thought?! I thought "this is some shitty-ass weed." It wasn't Tegridy. It barely even changed my mental state. The reason I got into the marijuana business was to make quality, simple weed that came from the heart. Weed that was strong, and pure. Somewhere on that journey I lost my way. Tegridy weed is about community. It's a sunrise. It's the smile on a baby. But most of all [reaches a chair and puts a foot up on it], Tegridy weed is about family. I had forgotten I have a loving wife, and son [Sharon, Stan, and Shelly are shown, Shelly with arms crossed], and I'm not gonna forget them anymore. [Shelly uncrosses her arms and puts her palms up] So I'm not gonna fight this. I'll do my time and... maybe someday I'll be back. Making marijuana that's simple. Marijuana that's Tegridy. Because, when you do the right thing, good things happen. [explosions are heard outside, and the people in chambers go to the windows to see what's going on. Sure enough, buildings are exploding all around town. Alejandro is vandalizing police cars with a bat]
Man with orange shirt: It's him! Oh god, it's him!
Townswoman: Oh, Jesus, save us!
Officer 2: G-give it up, Mexican Joker. You don't wanna do this. [Alejandro smashes the cruiser some more, then brings out a Molotov cocktail.]
Bob: Alejandro! Get down from there this minute!
Alejandro: ¡Abajo con Estados Unidos! ["Down with the United States!" An officer fires a shot and injures Alejandro. Other cops fire away and cause a cloud of smoke to rise up and hide Alejandro. Alejandro seizes the opportunity to make his escape.]
Scene Description: South Park City Hall, day. Randy and Rudy exit the double doors and approach the podium set up for a press conference
Reporters: Mr. Marsh. Mr. Marsh. Mr. Marsh Marsh Marsh. Over here.
Reporter: Mr. Marsh, how does it feel to be exonerated? [as soon as they reach the podium, Giuliani starts massaging Randy's shoulders]
Randy: Thank you. It feels really good to have these charges dropped. Now we can all get back to the business of trying to heal. I'd like to... [notice Giuliani massaging his shoulders] Would you please get the fuck away from me? [Giuliani lets go, adjusts his dentures, and puts his thumbs up in approval] I'd like to take this opportunity to thank those who have always been by my side, supporting me from the very beginning, the people who stood by me since day one and gave me hope. The Whites. [he and Giuliani clap. The Whites look surprised, then they put their hands to their chests.] Thanks for having my back, Mr. and Mrs. White. And now, everybody, if you don't mind, I've got a farm to tend to. [waves to everybody as he leaves]
Scene Description: Tegridy Farms, day. Winter has come, and snow is falling everywhere. The marijuana plants have been harvested and cut back. Inside, Randy brings a box containing six jars of Tegridy weed to the table. Shelly is suffering a personal hell being around marijuana, so she has buried her face in her arms
Randy: Well gang, I guess that's about it, huh? It's been a really good run, but, looks like the season is over.
Shelly: [perks up] The season is over?
Randy: Well sure, the first snow is falling, crops are pretty much dead. Well what'd you all think, huh? I think the season was a little better than anyone expected. I really wanna thank you guys for a great run. [walks to a camera off to his left] And hey, we hope you all enjoyed the season too. It had a little bit of everything, didn't it? And hopefully, the season finale really brought it all home. Of course, if you haven't had a chance to try the season finale yet, it is available now for a special price. This limited-edition weed made from the very last crop of the season is pricey, but worth it. [cuts to the live-action shot of a guy's hand putting the jar of Season Finale next to the five other jars of episode-titled weed.]
Announcer: Now taking pre-orders for Season 2.


Scene Description: This episode starts with the PC Babies Theme Song PC Babies, they're coming to your town! PC Babies, the wokest kids around. When there's something problematic, they're sure to let you know. Making things fun and gender-neutral everywhere they go! They're everybody's fave-sies! They're PC Babies, yeah!
PC Girl: Now back to PC Babies.
PC Boy: Waaa! [giggles]
Scene Description: The Principal House, basement, day. Strong Woman is using a heavy Everblast punching bag with PC Principal holding it in place.
PC Principal: Yeah! Who's strong?
Strong Woman: I'm strong!
PC Principal: Who's Strong Woman?
Strong Woman: I'm Strong Woman! [they switch to dumbbells]
PC Principal: You're gonna smoke the competition!
Strong Woman: I'm gonna smoke the competition! [the babies begin to cry] Oh no. It's the babies.
Scene Description: The living room, moments later. PC Principal and Strong Woman reach the living room and find the kids upset. Two of the kids sit on the sofa, the other three on the floor.
PC Principal: Kids, kids. Okay, what the matter?
Strong Woman: Oh, no! I left Disney+ on and it went to Mulan.
PC Principal: They don't like Mulan?
Strong Woman: No, because Mulan is a female that identifies as male and yet the movie doesn't take the time to address real trans issues.
PC Principal: Okay, okay, we know! [takes the remote and turns the TV off] Mulan is outdated in creating straw dog characters to talk about trans issues! Daddy's turning it off! [switches to another channel]
Anderson Cooper: -But just how many advocates have yet to be seen? [the kids sit up and smile.]
Scene Description: South Park Elementary Gym, day. PC Principal holds another assembly. Mr. Mackey, Strong Woman, and Mr. Adler sit far behind him
PC Principal: Alright everybody, listen up! As you know, this school is a place where everyone should feel included. Our challenge is to motivate ourselves and others to create an inviting, non-negative and HEY STOTCH, YOU GOT A FUCKING PROBLEM?! [Butters is caught whispering something to Scott]
Butters: [quickly sits correctly] No sir!
PC Principal: Now I think that what we all need are leaders who motivate by example, and so I would like to inform you all that your vice-principal [points to Strong Woman; she's somewhat surprised] is competing in the Strong Woman Competition in Morrison this weekend. Let's hear it for her. [the kids applaud as she takes the mic]
Strong Woman: Well, thank you PC Principal. Um, listen, guys. I just hope I can make you proud, and more importantly, I hope you can see that no matter who you are, you can do anything. We've really come a long way breaking down gender-binary bigotry, and I hope I can especially inspire some of my girl students here.
PC Principal: Or those who identify as girls.
Strong Woman: Yes, or those who identify as girls. Get out there and get involved in school sports and clubs. If there's something you love, don't ever let anything hold you back.
Scene Description: Five boys are in the room: Clyde, Butters, Cartman, Scott, and Stan. They're playing Dungeons and Dragons
Cartman: The first bugbear lashes out at Stan with its broadsword. [rolls the dice] And it hits with a 17.
Stan: How much damage is that?
Cartman: 4 + 2 slashing
Butters: Okay. I jump up to the bugbear! And I yell "FOR WATERDEEP!" and I kick it in the balls!
Cartman: I don't think bugbears have balls.
Clyde: Then how do they make baby bugbears? [the door opens and Mr. Mackey brings in two girls]
Mr. Mackey: Oh hi, boys. Uh we got some new students who want to be part of the gaming club. You know Tammy and Nichole.
Cartman: Ah huh, ah, heh heh neh no.
Mr. Mackey: This is a school club, boys. All clubs are inclusive. Have fun, girls. [the girls take their seats in the two remaining chairs and bring out their pieces.]
Nichole: Hey guys. [the other boys look at Cartman, who raises an eyebrow]
Scott: [whispers] What the fuck do we do?
Cartman: Um, guys, we play lots of games here at Dice Studz, but today [puts his hand on the cardboard sheet] we're playing D&D. You don't just show up and start playing, you have to generate characters and-
Tammy: Yeah, we created some this morning. I'm a human paladin and Nichole is a Tiefling warlock. [another long silence]
Clyde: [whispers] Do something, Eric!
Cartman: Eheh, ha, guys, um, they're fighting a bunch of bugbears now that are led by a 12th level druid...
Nichole: Okay, I cast Vampiric Touch on the druid. [rolls her dice] Crit. [the boys look at Cartman]
Scene Description: The 6th Annual Strong Woman Competition
David: A beautiful morning in Morrison, Colorado as we get ready for the 6th Annual Strong Woman Competition, a two-day long competition of tests built to push athletes to their very limits. [crowd reactions are shown. Lots of clapping and cheers] Joining me now is the current champion of the Strong Woman Competition, Strong Woman. [edges up to her] Ms. Woman, do you feel ready?
Strong Woman: Oh yeah. I'm ready, David. There are just so many amazing women athletes out here today it makes me so proud.
David: Now, this is the first year that a trans woman is in the competition. How do you feel about that?
Strong Woman: Amazing. I feel honored to be a part of history. I have a lot of incredible trans friends who are athletes, and so we're all inspired this woman is competing.
David: Uh huh, and uh have you ever actually met Heather Swanson?
Strong Woman: Uh, no, I've never competed against her before, no.
David: She's not exactly your average trans athlete.
Strong Woman: Well, what is an "average trans athlete"? Honestly, I find that kind of bigoted, David.
David: Okay, Heather Swanson is actually joining us now. Ms. Swanson, how does it feel to be competing today? [Strong Woman looks up at Heather with awe]
Heather: [joins the duo on camera] I can't tell you how free I feel now that I've started identifying as a woman. [adjusts her glasses] Now that I can compete as female, I'm ready to smash the other girls.
David: And is it correct you just started identifying as female two weeks ago?
Heather: I'm not here to talk about my transition! I'm here to kick some fuckin' ass! Let me tell you something, dingleberry!
David: David Perry!
Heather: I'm gonna roll up the other women here, and I'm gonna smoke 'em! I am the strongest woman this state has ever seen! [starts posing]
David: Any words for the challenger, Ms. Woman?
Strong Woman: Uh, good luck, Heather.
Heather: Huh huh, luck is for dudes. [walks off]
David: Well, with that let's get right to the action.
Scene Description: Scenes of athletes working out and crowd reactions are shown. Strong Woman does a clean and jerk of some 550 lbs. PC Principal and the babies cheer her on. Heather steps up and does a clean and jerk of 850 lbs. Next, Strong Woman defeats a challenger in boxing, then competes in the shot put with Heather and another woman, then defeats another challenger in arm wrestling. Heather defeats her challenger in the same event. In tire-flipping, Heather defeats her challengers easily. PC Principal and the babies are dismayed at the beating Strong Woman is taking. Strong Woman defeats her challenger in wrestling. Heather defeats her challenger in boxing. At the Dice Studz Gamers Club, Tammy and Nichole are beating the boys at the samurai game, Rising Sun. Another shot of PC Principal and the babies being dismayed. Strong Woman and Heather compete with each other in a tug of war, and Heather defeats her soundly. at the awards podium, Strong Woman poses and shames the runners-up. This song plays throughout. Rising to the top, push it to the edge, Give it all you got. Barely break a sweat. Strong Woman. Strong Woman. Go! Yeah, she's got speed, she's got the moves, She's got the muscle and a whole lot to prove, Strong Woman. Strong Woman. Hey you! Go, Strong Woman, Go! Hey you! Your time is now, what'cha gonna do? Pedal to the metal, find another gear. She takes what she wants, nothing left to fear, Strong Woman. Strong Woman. Now hey, girl! You're the best in the world! And hey, hon! Don't look now, but you've just won. Strong Woman. Strong Woman. Strong Woman. Strong Woman. Strong Woman. Strong Woman. Strong Woman.
Heather: [during the shot put] Arrrgh-yeahhhh! [at the awards podium] Hell yeah! I won! I'm a strong woman! Look at it! It's mine! I'm the best! I'm the strongest!
Scene Description: On the ride home, Strong Woman looks beat. No one says a word until...
PC Principal: So, second place. That's pretty damn good.
Strong Woman: Yeah...
PC Principal: I guess she... just started identifying as a woman a few weeks ago. Doesn't really seem.., fair...
Strong Woman: Just don't! You'll upset the PC babies.
Scene Description: The Counselor's Office. Mr. Mackey listens half-heartedly as Cartman lays out his complaints.
Cartman: [flanked by Butters and Scott] It is unfair, it is tyrannous, and it is wrong! Ever since these girls were allowed to join Dice Studz Gamers Club, it has been a train wreck! Every single game, they like, figure out all the rules, and they, use the rules, to like, make us look stupid!
Butters: In D&D they killed the dungeon master. [points to Cartman] Well we didn't even think it was possible to kill the dungeon master.
Cartman: Shut up, Butters. It's not possible. It's just that we play board games for the themes. We want to be pirates, or Vikings. You know what the girls think about? They think about red cubes versus blue cubes, and how much of this equals how many victory points. They're just doing math.
Mr. Mackey: So they're smarter than you and beating you at all the board games.
Scott: Yeth.
Cartman: NO!
Scott: [frightened] NO!
Cartman: It's it's just, different. [starts tearing up] Look, we started Dice Studz with a dream. A dream that we could actually do something interesting at school, just for like 60 minutes. [Mr. Mackey galls asleep]
Scene Description: The school cafeteria, day. The boys are eating tacos together
Cartman: "Nothing we can do," he said. "Hands are tied," he said. We're gonna have to deal with this ourselves, you guys.
Stan: I think Nichole and Tammy are cool to play with.
Cartman: Well you won't think they're cool when the rest of us leave Dice Studz and you're left to play only solo board games!
Stan: You mean like Nemo's War? Nemo's War is sweet.
Clyde: Look, maybe we just gotta play harder stuff, you know? Stuff the girls can't keep up with.
Butters: Hey, that's not a bad idea. We've been taking it easy on the girls. Time to show 'em what real board gamers play.
Scott: What do real board gamers play?
Stan: Well if you want something hard, then you need a really crunchy Euro game, something like a Vital Lacerda's Escape Plan or a Uwe Rosenburg Euro.
Cartman: Do they involve math?
Stan: Well all Euros are pretty mathy.
Cartman: Nope, no good. We need something with lots of, like WAR and DICE and THEMATIC shit.
Stan: So then you want a war miniatures game. Something skirmish-style, like Legion or Blood and Plunder.
Kyle: Dude, you're really into board games.
Cartman: Alright, that's it, you guys. Dice Studz Gamers Club is about to go [fans his arms out over his lunch tray] tabletop miniatures.
Scene Description: PC Principal's kitchen, day. He's at the stove while Strong Woman fives the PC babies.
Strong Woman: Emory, stop playing with your food. [the doorbell rings]
PC Principal: I'll get it. [opens to front door and sees Heather]
Heather: Hey, what's going on? Is your girlfriend home?
PC Principal: Uh, she's sort of busy right now, Ms. Swanson.
Heather: Just wanna tell her no hard feelings about me winning the Strong Woman competition. [holds up the trophy]
PC Principal: Yeah, you already told her that at the competition.
Heather: You got a problem with me? 'Cause it's starting to seem like you have a problem with me!
Strong Woman: What's going on-? Oh, hi Heather.
Heather: I was just stopping by to make sure you're not too beat up.
Strong Woman: Oh, that's... really cool. I'm sorry, but I have all the kids right now, and they're-
Heather: Oh, where are the little kiddos? [enters the house] I'd love to meet 'em. [enters the kitchen] Oho hey kids. Whoa, there's a lot of you. Your mom must be a strong woman to take care of all o'you. Of course, I have the Strong Woman trophy though. Heheheheh. Just kidding, right?
PC Principal: Look, why don't you just get out of here?!
Heather: Oh! Sounds like someone here is a transphobe.
PC Principal: Don't you dare! I'm trans people's biggest supporter! What I think you are is a terrible sport!
Heather: Transphobe.
PC Principal: You'd better knock it off!
Strong Woman: Just don't. You're gonna upset the PC babies.
PC Principal: And if you dare call me transphobe again, I'm gonna-
Heather: You're gonna what? Beat me up? You're gonna beat me up, transphobe? [PC Principal stands down] Yeah, I didn't think so. [to the babies]See you later, kids. Come on over and see old Auntie Heather if you want to see what a REAL strong woman is like. [leaves and goes out the front door. Strong Woman moves up next to PC Principal]
PC Principal: Are you feeling what I'm feeling?
Strong Woman: What do you mean?
PC Principal: I don't know what it is, but... something about that woman just doesn't seem right.
Scene Description: School Club Room, day. Tammy and Nichole bring a third girl with them
Emory: Now back to PC Babies.
Nichole: Hey guys. Hope it's cool we brought Kelly. She wants to be in the club too.
Cartman: [sarcastically] Oho yes! that's very cool, girls! We're just setting up today's game. It's a pirate miniatures game called Blood & Plunder. [the other boys smile]
Nichole: Yeah, we saw it on the schedule.
Tammy: We love Blood And Plunder. Are we gonna play like a four-on-four skirmish with two different factions? [the boys' smiles vanish]
Stan: Whoa, you painted your miniatures?
Tammy: Yeah. Who wants unpainted miniatures, right? [Cartman studies his unpainted miniature]
Stan: Where'd you learn to do that?
Nichole: We watch YouTube tutorials. You can find a much on BGG.
Stan: I love BGG.
Kelly: Oh cool. Do you watch Game Night?
Cartman: Excuse me! [pulls Blood & Plunder off the table and replaces it with a new game] We're going to play the six-hour long, very thematic Nemesis!
Nichole: Oh cool. We just watched the tutorial for that on Dice Tower. [the boys look at Cartman for his next move]
Scene Description: A splash screen for Women In Sports appears on TV
Announcer: And now, back to Women In Sports, with Janet Spears.
Janet: Our next guest has been really lighting it up in women's competitions. Since she's identified as female two weeks ago, she's won every female sport she's entered. Please welcome Heather Swanson. [Heather has brought every trophy she's won with her]
Heather: Well thank you, Janet. It's a great pleasure to be here. I know that I'm an inspiration to all women and trans athletes everywhere.
Janet: [dryly] Yes, we are all truly inspired.
Heather: Now there are some women out there who just want to run and hide. [stands up menacingly] I'm talkin' to you, Strong Woman! [A shot of the Principal family watching TV] You still dare call yourself that?! Your name is a joke, because ol' Heather Swanson here will beat you anywhere, anytime, at anything! [Strong Woman leaves the sofa and goes to the kitchen]
Scene Description: The kitchen, moments later. Strong Woman is washing dishes when PC Principal enters
PC Principal: Hey, don't let her get to you, Strong.
Strong Woman: She's not getting to me.
PC Principal: I, I-I don't know why she has such a grudge against you, and I-
Strong Woman: Because I know her.
PC Principal: [jaw drops] What do you mean?
Strong Woman: It's Blade Jaggart. He - she - is my ex-boyfriend.
PC Principal: ... What?
Strong Woman: Back when we were together he was such an asshole. When I finally broke up with him, he said one day he was going to get me back. And now he's got us both by the balls.
PC Principal: But then... she doesn't really care about trans people? Or women?
Strong Woman: He hates wome- she, hates women. When I left him, he felt he got beat by a girl, and nothing makes Blade Jaggart more crazy than getting beat by a girl.
PC Principal: I didn't even know people like that existed.
Scene Description: The Colorado General Assembly, day. Cartman speaks to the Assembly and is joined by Butters and Scott, as before
Cartman: [reading a prepared speech] It is unfair. It is tyrannous, and it is wrong. Dice Studz is a board game group that brings thrills and laughter to dozens of boys at our school. But that laughter is being turned into screams as girls constantly invade with their unfairness.
Butters: [steps forward, interrupting] The girls found Eric on the first round of Fury of Dracula! [smiles. Cartman glares at him and he wilts and backs away.]
Cartman: [gets back to his speech] Yes, inclusion is wonderful, but we have to admit that boys and girls are simply different in some ways that can sometimes make competitions unfair. Have you ever seen how girls do their homework? They do it... that night, meticulously going over every detail and often finishing before they absolutely have to. This is how girls are with board game rule books. Before we even start playing, they've already strategized a way to win, leaving others in the dust.[puts away his speech] And now I'd like for you to hear from my friend Scott, who has diabetes.
Scott: [begins his own speech] My name is Scott Malkinson and I have diabetes.
Cartman: [whispers] Terminal diabetes.
Scott: [corrects himself] I have terminal diabetes. Board games are the only thing that give me relief from the physical and mental anguish I experience every day.
Butters: Wow, Scott. I didn't know it was that bad.
Scott: Neither did I. [back to his speech] Dice Studz is my only shot at happiness. Please don't let outdated school policies destroy it. [steps aside]
Cartman: [claps and returns to the mic] Wow, thank you, Scott. Diabetes, everyone. [closing statement] We hope that our presentation has helped to change your minds about school clubs in our country. If not, we will be back, every single day. Please, let Dice Studz be for studs.
Scene Description: An MMA sports show. Heather Swanson is one of the guests on it
MMA Host: Womens' MMA fighting is growing in popularity, and no other female fighter is as explosive as Heather Swanson.
Heather: Eee-yeahhh!
MMA Host: Heather, your story is an inspiration to sports fans everywhere. Congratulation on your "shocking" success.
Heather: I just hope I can motivate little girls out there. Motivate them to understand that I will beat them at any sport they try. Motivate them to run away like that chicken shit Strong Woman did because I-
PC Principal: [interrupts the interview] Alright. Alright, that's enough. You uh, you made your point, Heather. We get it, okay?
Heather: Oh hey, transphobe. This is a nice surprise.
Strong Woman: Oh God, what is he doing?
PC Principal: Look, everyone, I know we're all a little... afraid to have any opinions on this stuff, but um, there can be situations where it's... not so easy... to... what I mean is, I...
Heather: I didn't count on being the best since identifying as a woman.
PC Principal: Yeah, no shit, 'cause you went through puberty as a male, so your body's completely different! [crowd reactions are shown, including one man motioning PC Principal to stop talking]
Heather: And that's exactly what a transphobe would say!
PC Principal: I told you not to call me a transphobe! All I want is to have a discussion.
Heather: Transphobe! [PC Principal pushes Heather back, and Heather staggers back to a table of refreshments, throws herself on the table, and crushes it with her weight. She screams and sobs]
PC Principal: Aw, shit.
Scene Description: Dice Studz Gamers Club, day. The boys are back in the room. Only Cartman is content
Cartman: Ahhh, isn't this nice, you guys? Clean, fresh air, soothing sounds, just us boys and Star Trek: Ascendancy."
Butters: [rushing in] Uh hey, fellas! Come quick! You gotta see!
Clyde: See what?
Butters: Well, it's the girls! They started their own board game club at the school! [runs out. The other boys look at each other]
Scene Description: The school cafeteria, day. The boys reach the new club's location. "Board Girls Gaming Club".
Cartman: "Board Girls"? How lame is that? [opens the cafeteria door and is in shock]
Scene Description: The scene shows the cafeteria full of girls playing different board games are shown. Allie, Monica, and another female 4th grader paint mini-figures. Some of the girls are also seen playing Lords of Waterdeep and Flick 'em Up!
Cartman: The fuck is this?
Stan: Wow!
Butters: [he and the other boys enter the cafeteria] Well this is like what you said Dice Studz would be, Eric.
Nichole: [walks in front of the boys] Oh, hey guys, welcome to Board Girls. Want to have a look around? [cuts to her leading a tour of the club] So over [points right of the screen] here we have our co-op games. I think they're doing "Sub Terra" right now. [points right of the screen again] And there we do our deck and engine builders. Have you tried "Inuit"? It's really cool. [stops walking] We have miniatures painting over there [points towards the screen] and most of our miniatures gaming happens in [points left of the screen] that area.
Clyde: Hey, those girls are playing "Crisis Protocol". That's not even out yet.
Nichole: Yeah, we get advanced copies of games because our club reviews them for our gaming channel. [two girls discuss Abomination on camera]
Mr. Mackey: Hey boys, you need to get out, okay? No boys in the girls' school clubs. Come on, let's go.
Stan: What? Who says?
Mr. Mackey: New school policy came down from the top. Now get your asses outta there.
Stan: Well, who made up that stupid rule?
Cartman: ... Yeah, who made up that stupid rule?
Scene Description: The neighborhood park, day.
Emory: We now return to PC Babies.
Scene Description: PC Principal sits on a park bench, alone. He looks at his phone's screen and sees a news article about his troubles with the trans community, then lowers his phone. Strong Woman finds him on the bench.
Strong Woman: Are you just... not gonna come home?
Pete: How am I gonna look my kids in the eyes, Strong? Since they were born, we've taught them to accept and fight for those who are marginalized. That there's no gray area when it comes to inclusion and acceptance. When I go back, all they're gonna see is a big, fat hypocrite. And now I've just used a word to shame people with weight issues. [buries his face in his hands]
Strong Woman: P, you can't just shut down because you're afraid of how the babies are gonna react.
Pete: I didn't shove him - her - for being trans. I shoved her because she's your ex-boyfriend and she's being a dick. Do you think the PC babies will see the nuance?/But they're right, Strong. I shoved a trans person. No matter what, I have no right to judge her. Do you think- Could you try to explain it to the babies?
Strong Woman: You know how they are. They're babies. Their minds are made up before anyone says anything.
Pete: Then I've really got only one thing I can do. I have to try and make things right with Heather Swanson.
Scene Description: School gymnasium, day. PC Principal - Pete - holds another student assembly with Strong Woman
Strong Woman: Uh, hey students. As you know, we've had some issues here at the school that we're working very hard to correct. So today we are... honored... to have a motivational speaker. She is the current Strong Woman competition, and also the champion in women's MMA fighting, and in women's wrestling. Please welcome the inspiring Heather Swanson.
Heather Swanson: [Bursts through a curtain] Yeeaahhhh! Fuck yeeaahhhh! [she dances to a K-pop song, "I Am the Best". She then proceeds to rip off her pants and show off her muscular body. She freezes in a pose when the song ends with "Oh my God." Butters is the only kid who claps]
Heather: Hello, boys and girls. I'm here to talk to you because apparently your school leaders have failed you. I'm gonna tell you something, kids. There's only one thing that matters in this world, and that's being the best. Your vice-principal teaches you girls to be strong, but she comes in second. [walks up to Pete and puts her left arm around him] You got anything to say about that, PC Principal?
Pete: No, Ms. Swanson.
Heather: "No, Ms. Swanson." [releases the hug and stands in front of them] You see, people don't look up to losers. They look up to champions! Every time I beat another woman, I feel better
Cartman: Dude, I really like this person.
Heather: And that's why I'm the best. Because Heather Swanson doesn't get beat. I work to be the best at everything. And Heather Swanson will beat any other woman any time, anywhere!
Tammy: Bet you can't beat Nichole at Blood Rage.
Heather: What? Wha-what did you say, transphobe?
Nichole: Yeah, but I bet you can't beat Tammy at War of the Ring.
Heather: You don't disrespect a champion, little girls! You think Heather Swanson doesn't know board games?! I was playing board games before your mom even crapped you out of her vagina!
Nichole: Okay, so then let's do it, bitch!
Heather: Oh it's onnn!
Scene Description: Board Girls Gaming Club, day. The girls compete against Heather and defeat her soundly. First up: Blood Rage. Heather makes her move; Nichole looks on passively and blows a gum bubble until it pops, then knocks off one of Heather's pieces. Heather is stunned. Next game is War of the Ring. Heather is frowning, but makes her move; Tammy is chatting away on the phone as she rolls the die and knocks off some of Heather's miniatures. Tammy sits back and smiles as the kids cheer her on. Next is Twilight Struggle. Nichole places her cards all over the map as Heather looks on in awe. After she places her last card, she rejoices in victory. Heather lifts her hands in gripping rage. Heather then participates in Board Girls Gaming Club, with Kelly tutoring her. Heather and Kelly then face each other and play. Next game is Concordia. Tammy again faces Heather and waits for Heather to finish her move. Then Tammy pulls off a series of card moves and defeats Heather. This song plays throughout the montage: Tabletop bloodbath, nothing left to say. Your moment is here, time to make 'em pay, Strong Woman. Strong Woman. Strong! Woman! Smoke the competition, show 'em what you got. All your painted miniatures are really paying off, Strong Woman. Strong Woman. Strong! Woman! Hey wow! Who's the Strong woman now? And hey you! Thought you were the best, but you're about to lose To the Board Girls. They got the moves. They pummeled you at Alchemists and kicked your ass in Carcasonne Board Girls, they know all the rules. They watch Rodney Smith, Tom Vasel, and Becca Scott. Hey, cool. They made you look a fool And hey, sweet, Take a step down; you just got beat By the Board Girls!
Heather: Do you think that's fair?! You only won 'cause you dumb girls memorized the rule books! When I play games, I just wanna be a pirate or a spaceman! [Cartman joins her]
Cartman: That's right! You and your stupid rules!
Heather: I may identify as a woman now, but I grew up a boy, so you have an unfair advantage over me!
Cartman: Yeah, an unfair advantage, stupid girls! Come on, Ms. Swanson. We can go make our own club. [they turn and walk out together. Once they're gone, the girls erupt in cheers]
Scene Description: The Principal - er, Charles - house, day. Pete and Strong Woman get home and go inside.
Strong Woman: [before entering.] You sure you're ready for this?
Pete: I just wanna get it over with. [they enter, and the babies are happy to see them]
Babies: Mommy! Yay!
Strong Woman: Yes, kids, and look who else is here.
Babies: [they look at him for a few seconds] Daddy! Yeah Daddy! Dada!
Emory: Dada. I love you.
Pete: I... I don't understand.
Strong Woman: They don't care. They must see the nuance to this whole situation.
Pete: You're right! They realize that raising a gender-based issue of strength doesn't necessarily make one a bigot or a bully. All this time we were worried what the PC babies would think.
Strong Woman: And we didn't realize that our little babies are growing up. [they laugh and start to play with the babies.]