Scene Description: The Marsh house, day. Sharon is carving a pumpkin at the dining room table, Shelly and Stan work on making the pie filling. Randy enters the house with gifts.
Randy: [excitedly] Hellooo family! [closes the door] Who wants champagne? [puts the gifts on the sofa]
Sharon: [meeting him at the sofa] Randy, what is all this? [Stan and Shelly follow]
Randy: It's finally happened, Sharon! [makes to fists and draws them to his chest] I did it! [raises his fists up and lowers them quickly, then opens the gifts. He gives the first one to Sharon] Here you are, my lady. A brand new leather coat, pour vous.
Sharon: [happily] Oho, Randy, it's beautiful!
Randy: [proudly] And some gifts for the kids too. After all, we're rich now.
Stan: [gets his gift] We're rich?
Shelly: [gets her gift] Finally.
Sharon: Randy, are you being serious? [smiles]
Randy: I just wanted to wait until the deal was all finished. We are going into business for ourselves! You are all looking at the new owner of Blockbuster Video! [Sharon frowns]
Stan: [somewhat confused] Blockbuster Video?
Randy: Last week, I saw it was up for sale. On a fluke I asked how much. $10,000! Can you believe it?! We have the entire business! And we can watch movies whenever we want! Come on, you guys wanna see it?
Scene Description: On the road, day, under some ominous clouds. Randy drives him family out of town
Randy: You're gonna love it, Sharon. It is in pristine condition.
Sharon: I just wish you'd have talked to me before spending all our money.
Randy: Sharon, it was $10,000 for the entire place! It wasn't gonna last! Don't worry, we'll make the money back in a week. Guaranteed. You excited, Stan?
Stan: Huh? Sorry, I'm watching a movie on my iPad. [they reach their destination and exit the car, and have a look at the place]
Randy: Well? There she is. [a building in the middle of a parking lot, looking nice, but silent.] It's a new beginning for us! [takes out the key to the building and goes to the front doors to open the store up. The others follow.]
Shelly: [staying by the car] I don't wanna go in there.
Randy: Shelly come on!
Scene Description: Blockbuster Video. The store is dark. A mouse runs past as the camera pans from left to right. Randy opens the door and they all enter. Randy flips on the switches.
Randy: Can you believe it? Completely turnkey! [walks towards the shelves while his family stays by the front doors.] Yo got your sci-fi, comedies, buddy flicks, chick flicks, all on Blu-ray or DVD! [returns] Well, what do you think?
Stan: It's awesome. You should try to get it on that Ancient Civilizations show so that people can see how cultures used to live.
Randy: Oh hahahaha, I get it. Blockbuster is so out of date it's ancient. Haha Sharon, okay I get it.
Sharon: I didn't say anything.
Randy: You were thinking it. But you're wrong. The average person still wants to rent movies they can hold in their hands. We're gonna have customers up our ass Sharon, UP OUR ASS.
Scene Description: FRIDAY
Scene Description: Randy waits behind the counter for his first customer. Sharon is reading a book, Stan is watching something on his iPad, and Shelly is sorting the DVDs out.
Randy: How many uh, how many copies of Meet The Fockers do we have in stock, Shelly?
Shelly: Six. [picks up another DVD from a stack] We still, have, SIX. [turns and puts it on a shelf with more copies of the DVD]
Randy: Okay good, that's... that should that should be good... Shelly.
Scene Description: SATURDAY
Scene Description: There's still no business at the store. A red rubber ball bounces towards the front door
Boy: Go get it, Fillmore! [the boys are on a low cliff across the street.]
Fillmore: No way, I ain't goin' neer that place. Yeeeyou go get it. [they panic as the front door opens. Randy picks up the ball and sees them]
Randy: Hey, you kids lookin' to rent some DVDs?
Boy: What's he talkin' about rentin' a divadee?
Randy: [annoyed] Oh I get it. Blockbuster's so old it's creepy! Haha! Nobody rents movies anymore! [raises his arms as if to grab something] People just don't know we're open yet!
Fillmore and Friend: AAAAAH! [turn right and run off]
Randy: [throws the ball back across the street.] Little fucking pricks. [goes back inside and closes the door.]
Scene Description: TUESDAY
Scene Description: Randy walks through the store until he passes an aisle with a woman in it, then steps back and approaches her
Randy: Hello, welcome to Blockbuster! [the shopper looks through the TV series boxed sets] Can I help you find something?
Shopper: I can't find... [turns her head to face Randy] Turner & Hooch. [turns back to the videos] Where's Turner & Hooch?
Randy: Oh, ah, I believe we have that over in the uh-
Shopper: Aahh... [her voice echoes as she dissolves into thin air]
Randy: [stunned, then annoyed] Oh. Oh I get it! [looks heavenward] Video stores are so old they have ghosts in them! Okay, thanks! I get it! But you're wrong!
Ghost: [floats by] Emily? [turns into the aisle where the woman was] Emily, the war is over! Let's go rent a movie at Blockbuster!
Randy: Hahaha, haha! You can be a spooky ghost all you want, it wasn't a stupid idea to buy this place!
Ghost: The hounds are calling, Emily. Let's rent something now! [floats past Randy]
Randy: I'll have you know that Netflix, Hulu, and Crackle still don't make the money Blockbuster does! Streaming movies is not for everyone!
Ghost: [turns around and looks at Randy] The hounds, Emily! The hounds!
Randy: Go ahead! All you want, bro! All you want! It was a great idea, but no! Everyone just wants to prove that Rrrandy's gone crazy! [sticks his tongue out and makes noises at him] "Oh don't mind Randy, he's just losing his mind!" [Stan, who doesn't see the ghost, watches from a distance] Drrrr! You know what? Fuck you and Emily!
Stan: [turns and walks to Sharon, who's at the counter looking up things on the ancient CRT monitor] I think something might be wrong with Dad?
Sharon: Ya think? [Stan glances up at her]
Scene Description: WEDNESDAY
Scene Description: HALLOWEEN. It's sunset and kids and their parents are out trick-or-treating. Butters and Jimmy run into Cartman and Kenny, who are not in costume
Butters: Oh hey Eric and Kenny. You guys don't have costumes?
Cartman: We're actually on our way over to Kyle's because our costumes are so multi-faceted and cool we have to put them on together.
Kenny: (Yeah.)
Cartman: Uhhh what are you supposed to be, Butters?
Butters: I'm a wereprechaun. You know, a leprechaun that's been bitten by a werewolf. And Jimmy's Gangnam Style.
Jimmy: Wop. Wop, Wop wop, Wopwop Gangnam Style. [grins]
Cartman: Yyeah, really cool, guys. You'll be some stiff compettion at the costume contest for sure.
Butters: Come on! What are you guys goin' as?
Cartman: [walks off with Kenny] You'll just have to wait and see.
Scene Description: Blockbuster, at that moment. Sharon dresses Stan up as Captain America while Shelly reads a magazine behind the counter
Sharon: I think that's good. Feel tight enough?
Stan: Yeah, it's awesome! Thanks, Mom.
Sharon: Let's see the shield.
Stan: [takes up the shield and strikes a pose] Put down the blue orby thing, Red Skull!
Sharon: [claps] Yehay!
Randy: [arrives] Hey, whoa, what are you doing?
Sharon: Stan's about to go out with his friends.
Randy: Nono, I need everybody tonight! [Stan loses his enthusiasm] It's our big night!
Sharon: For what?!
Randy: Agh! It's Halloween! Everyone rents scary movies on Halloween! I'm sorry Stanley, but I need your help here!
Shelly: God I hate this family!
Sharon: Randy, let him go trick-or-treating.
Randy: [walks over to some end display] You guys don't understand. We're doing a big Halloween promotion! I've put up flyers and I've got apple-bobbing [a cauldron full of them] and candy corn [in a display case]. This is the night we turn it all around.
Stan: [disappointed] Dad, nobody's gonna come.
Randy: Oho you'll see! I'm sorry, Stan, but in about thirty minutes this place is gonna be swamped with people trying to rent DVDs!
Stan: Renting DVDs is more ancient than Madonna's boobs!
Randy: Ew! [turns right and walks away] That's enough, Stanley! Ew, gross!
Stan: [moments later, on the land line] I can't go trick-or-treating! My dad says I have to stay and help with the store! Yes, I'm serious! I know it sucks, Kyle!
Kyle: [dressed as Thor, in his living room] Dude, you can't do this! How can we be the Avengers without Captain America?
Stan: I know, but there's nothing I can do.
Kyle: But what about the costume contest?!
Kenny: [dressed as Iron Man, comes in from the kitchen] What's going on, Kyle?
Kyle: Stan can't come.
Cartman: [dressed as Hulk, comes in from the kitchen] Stan can't come?! But he's fucking Captain America!
Stan: I'm sorry you guys. My dad is doing a big Halloween promotion.
Kyle: Does anybody even go to Blockbuster anymore?
Stan: No dude. Nobody. My dad... he's kind of losing it. To be honest, I feel kind of bad for him.
Randy: [appears from an aisle] Stan, get off the damned phone! People are gonna start callin' to reserve movies! Gau! [goes back into the aisle]
Stan: Oh never mind, I hate him again.
Kyle: Dude, you can't miss Halloween! You have your iPad?
Stan: Yeah.
Kyle: Okay, I'm gonna go grab mine. I have an idea.
Scene Description: The neighborhood, later. Kyle pulls a skateboard along on which his iPad is mounted, and Stan is shown on the iPad
Kyle: All right, where should we trick-or-treat first?
Stan: How about we try the Barkers? Oh, no, it looks like they're not home.
Cartman: This is fucking ridiculous! We've been planning this Halloween for two months, and Stan has to go and ruin it!
Kyle: He looks fine.
Stan: Oh, let's go to the Petersons' house.
Cartman: Yeah, he looks totally fine, except that when we walk up to a house, people are gonna be like, "Oh wow, it's the Avengers, and some Captain FaceTime skateboard guy!" [they head for a house to their left. Kenny rings the bell. A man opens the door holding a bowl of candy.]
The boys: Trick or treat.
Stan: Trick or treat.
Man 1: Oh wuhow! Look honey, it's Iron Man, Captain America, Thor, and Bruce Vilanch. [Each of the boys (except Stan) make a pose when their respective costumes are said]
Cartman: [dropping his pose] I'm not Bruce Vilanch!
Man 1: Oh, what are you supposed to be? Oh [snaps his fingers] oh, right. You're supposed to be that um... uhhh... [puts his left hand to his head]
Cartman: The Incredible...
Man 1: Right right, the incredibly Chaz Bono. Remember honey? Dancing with the Stars? The fat transsexual?
Woman 1: [raises her palms up, then rests them on her legs] Ohhh, cute!
Cartman: No not Chaz Bono! Do you see my skin?! I'm green!
Woman 1: [quick gasp] The incredible Harvey Fierstein?
Man 1: Nnoo, Harvey Fierstein's just gay and fat, honey. He's not green.
Cartman: The person I'm dressed as is not fat, and not gay!
Man 1: The incredibly fat and gay skinny straight man?
Cartman: [loses his cool and shuts his eyes] JUST GIVE US SOME FUCKING CANDY! [moments later they're on to the next house] It's Stan's stupid Captain America costume! That's what's throwing everybody off! How are people supposed to get that I'm the Hulk when Captain America is on freaking FaceTime?! [Kenny rings the door bell. A man opens the door holding a bowl of candy.]
Kenny: Trick or treat.
Man 2: Ohh wow, it's the Avengers!
Cartman: That's right!
Man 2: Oho, and Honey Boo Boo! [Cartman glares at him. The man looks back inside the house] Kids, come see the green Honey Boo Boo costume!
Scene Description: The sidewalk across from Blockbuster, Halloween night. A couple walks along laughing over something
Girlfriend: Oh, it's getting colder out.
Boyfriend: Yeah, you can definitely tell that winter's coming. [the woman glances to her right, then turns her head to the right. They both stop walking] What's the matter?
Girlfriend: That old creepy place. I saw someone in the window there. [as they look, Randy appears at one of the windows and beckons them to come in. Then he holds up a HALF OFF sign and shakes it a bit]
Boyfriend: Come on, let's get out of here. [puts his arm around her shoulders. They hurry off.]
Randy: [sighs and throws down the sign in frustration] They'll come! [walks off slowly and his voice gets deeper] Sooner or later! They'll have to come!
Scene Description: Blockbuster, maybe an hour later. The store is fully lit, but there's still no business. There's more snow on the parking lot so that it's almost fully covered. Randy's anger has solidified into a slumped angry walk as he wanders the aisles, grunting and spazzing every once in a while. He stops to fix some DVDs that are out of place, then walks to the candy display under glass in the counter
Randy: [closes his eyes and sobs a bit] Wuhy? Why isn't anyone showing up?! [uncovers his eyes and moves his palms down to his cheeks] It's Halloween night! People should be renting spooky movies! [places his hands on the counter] What's happened to the world? Things used to be so simple. [notices something and pounds the glass] Good evening, fine sir! I would like to rent a movie!
Ghost 2: [a former Blockbuster employee] Of course, Mr. Marsh. What'll it be?
Randy: I'll take a DVD of Robocop 2 and the director's cut of Blade Runner.
Ghost 2: Coming right up. [goes to retrieve the videos]
Randy: No place like the video store, eh, my friend? Convenience at its peak.
Ghost 2: [types in the order] Your son and wife don't seem to quite agree with you about the video store. In fact, your son seems to think video stores are... as ancient as Madonna's boobs?
Randy: He's a... he's a very... progressive... little boy. Gets it from his mother.
Ghost 2: If I may say so, Mr. Marsh, your Blockbuster will never get any customers with those two Negative Nancys sabotaging you. You may need to do something... rather extreme. [more sinister] If I may say so, Mr. Marsh. [Randy looks at him, then at Stan, who is off in a corner looking at his iPad.]
Stan: Trick or treat.
Ghost 2: You are the owner of Blockbuster, Mr. Marsh. [Randy feels the pressure and resists it] You must be willing to do anything.
Randy: No! No I won't do it! Leave him out of this! He's just a little boy! [notices Stan looking at him] Hey Stan. [turns and walks away]
Scene Description: Another neighborhood, night. The boys continue their trick-or-treating.
Kyle: We still have an hour before the costume contest, so let's hit the house on the uh-
Cartman: Dude dude dude! Check it out. [points to something across the street... a robbery in progress. One robber is outside a Kum & Go minimart. He breaks a surveillance camera with a crowbar, then jimmies the door open and goes in]
Stan: What? What's he doing?
Kyle: Somebody's breaking into that Kum & Go.
Cartman: [turns around] You guys, we've gotta stop it!
Kyle: [turns around] Yeah dude! We are the Avengers!
Stan: Hey, where did you guys go?
Kyle: [turns his skateboard around] Oh, sorry dude.
Stan: All right Avengers, what say we take this scumbag down?!
Kenny: Stan and Kyle, you take the back entrance. Cartman and I will block him from the side.
Cartman: Cartman SMASH! [they turn around and go into action]
Scene Description: Kum & Go, inside. The robbers get to work
Robber 1: All right, the camera's out. Hurry up, you two! [the other two robbers are trying to break into a Red Box rental box. They succeed, and some change falls out]
Robber 2: What the? You told me these things were full of money!
Robber 3: It's Halloween. I thought everyone would be renting spooky movies. [the boys break into the store, with Cartman acting like a rampaging Hulk]
Kyle: [holds up his sledge hammer] For Odin! For Asgard!
Robber 4: Who are you?!
Cartman: [roars some more, then] Oh crap, there's a bunch of them. Never mind. [walks to the counter and sees a dead clerk slumped over the counter] Holy shit, they shot this guy!
Kyle: Oh my God!
Kenny: Dude, fuck this. Let's bail! [the boys head out the front door with the robbers in hot pursuit]
Robber 4: Get 'em!
Scene Description: Blockbuster, at that moment. Sharon is on the land line with someone
Sharon: Oh my gosh, that's so cute. And so what is little Monica wearing? Oho, I bet she's adorable. [Randy rises up from behind the bargain bin] No, we've just sort of been here for the most part. Yeah, are you guys staying in? [Randy slides to his right and out of view] You're watching The Thing? Oh that's fun. On Netflix or Hulu? On your Xbox, uh huh. Yeah, no, at some point I'm hoping we can just call it a night and go home. [Randy appears from the right side of the store, way in the back, then disappears again] No, you don't need to send help. Thanks, though. Are you guys getting a lot of trick-or-treaters? Yeah? Oh really? [Randy reappears from the left side of the store, right behind Sharon] Oh, Barbara and Michael? Oh yeah. Uh huh. Ha-hang on a second Karen. [covers the mic and turns to Randy] Can I help you with something?
Randy: [in a deep falsetto] According to industry experts, many rural areas don't have the bandwidth to support DVD-quality video in streaming services, and won't for years to come, making DVD rentals still the best movie-watching option. [they look at each other for a few seconds]
Sharon: [goes back to her phone call] Sorry, Karen, you were saying? No, it wasn't a customer. No, it's just Randy. [Randy turns around and leaves] Yes, a customer would have been nice, I know.
Scene Description: Back the the Kum & Go...
Robber 1: God damn it those kids saw us! And you let them get away!
Robber 3: It was the Avengers, Brad! [Robber 2 appears at a doorway]
Robber 2: Hey, we caught one of them. We got him tied up in the back. [hurries to the back, and the other two follow him]
Scene Description: The back room. Kyle's iPad is strapped to a chair
Robber 1: All right, who were your friends?
Stan: Just let me go! We're nobody! We didn't see anything! I pro-I promise!
Robber 2: He's lying. They saw everything!
Robber 1: Let's try this again. [takes out a switchblade and walks up to the iPad]
Stan: No! Dude, please! This is my best friend's iPad! [the robber scratches the glass, leaving a deep gash] Noo! Okayokay, okay! Their names are Bruce, Tony, and Curt
Robber 4: Hey, one of them dropped this. [a flier] It's an invitation to a Monster Mash at the community center.
Stan: No no! We weren't gonna go there!
Robber 1: [puts away the switchblade and backs off] Sure you weren't! [walks away] Get rid of him!
Stan: NO! [shakes his head] I won't say anything, I promise! [Robbers 2 and 3 take the iPad out to the car]
Scene Description: The two robbers take the iPad to the side of the road in a desolate place. The trunk pops open and the two robbers look at the iPad
Stan: What are you gonna do? [Robber 3 takes the iPad out and carries it away] Please! Please just let me go! No!
Robber 3: Sorry, kid. End of the line. [throws the iPad into a ditch next to the road. The two robbers get back into the car and drive away]
Scene Description: Blockbuster, later. Randy has a fixed, angry look on his face as he watches a TV screen. On the screen is Ted, a teddy bear brought to life and now living with his owner as an adult. Ted and his owner share chips and John Adams beer. Over by the counter, Stan tries to make a call, but the cable has been cut in two
Stan: What the hell? [gets off the stool and walks over to Shelly] Shelly I need to use your cell phone.
Shelly: [hurriedly and worriedly looking through her duffel bag and back park] I can't find it, Somebody took it!
Sharon: [coming in from outside the store] All right Randy, where are the car keys?! [gets no answer] Randy, where are the keys to the car?! [still gets no answer. Randy is transfixed] God damn it! [walks away in a huff]
Scene Description: The desolate place, later. The couple who walked by Blockbuster before are walking along a path. The girlfriend holds on to the boyfriend's arm
Boyfriend: Did you have fun at the Halloween party?
Girlfriend: I did. Thanks so much, Ben. And thanks for walking me home. [she notices something off to her right and stops]
Ben: [the boyfriend] What's the matter?
Girlfriend: What is that? [lets go and walks towards the item]
Ben: Whaht is what?
Girlfriend: [stops by the iPad] Somebody dumped a... Oh my God, Ben, it's a little boy! [picks up the iPad, which has Stan back onscreen] Hello? [wipes the screen clean] Are you okay? Little boy?[the screen brightens up]
Stan: Huh? Wha? ...Oh, oh hello? Who is that?
Girlfriend: It's okay. Try and stay calm.
Stan: Oh, ah thank God you found me.
Ben: What is he doing way out here?
Stan: You have to get me to my friends! They aren't safe! [Ben and his girl look at each other]
Scene Description: Park County Police Station, night. The three Avengers are at the station talking to Sgt. Yates
Kyle: And then we ran out of the Kum & Go and these guys, th-they took our friend.
Sgt. Yates: Sounds like you're talking about the Red Box killers. They've murdered over a dozen people trying to get the cash from Red Boxes.
Cartman: Oh my God. You mean they don't know people can stream movies cheaper and more conveniently online?
Sgt. Yates: Apparently not. These are dangerous guys. Do you have any idea where they were headed?
Officer: Sir, there's a kid over at the hospital saying he saw everything.
Scene Description: Hell's Pass Hospital. Kyle's iPad is on a bed being tended to, and an officer stands by taking a statement from Stan
Stan: They said they were heading to the big party at the community center. You have to stop it. My friends are in trouble.
Kyle: Stan! [leads the other Avengers and the police into Stan's hospital room]
Stan: Guys, you're okay!
Kyle: What happened to you?
Stan: It's all right, just a scratch.
Cartman: Hey, this means we can still make the costume contest, you guys!
Stan: No! They're looking for you there! [to Sgt. Yates] Sir, you've got to cancel the Monster Mash.
Sgt. Yates: What?! Are you crazy?! We can't cancel the Monster Mash, it's Halloween Night! It's the Monster Mash's biggest night of the year!
Officer 2: The Monster Mash is only on Halloween. [another officer quickly shushes him]
Kyle: Dude, if these guys are as bad as you say, then we have to do something!
Stan: Yeah, people are gonna get hurt.
Sgt. Yates: How many people at the Monster Mash?
Officer 3: Most of the town, sir. It's a graveyard smash.
Officer 4: Look, whatever we do, we'd better hurry. It gets on in a flash.
Sgt. Yates: You boys say you can identify the Red Box thieves?
Kenny: Yes. We saw their faces.
Sgt. Yates: All right then. We're gonna have to send one of you into the party in disguise.
Scene Description: The Monster Mash, night. PSY's song, "Gangnam Style", is playing as the town gathers inside the community center, which is decked out for Halloween. Many of the guests are dressed as PSY.
Butters: That sure is a great Gangnam Style costume, Craig. I'm a wereprechaun. You know, a leprechaun that has been bitten by a werewolf. [a giant stops by] Oh wow! Nice costume, Stan. It's Gangnamstein!
Stan: Shhh. Don't say my name, Butters. I'm here undercover.
Butters: Okay, Stan. Enjoy the Monster Mash. [Gangnamstein turns left and runs into a man]
Stan: Oops.
Man 3: Gaaah!
Stan: Hey, be careful in there.
Officer 3: [side the Gangnamstein outfit] Sorry. I can't see a thing in here.
Stan: It's all right. Let's go straight. Now turn left. Okay, now go about ten steps.
A Banana: Wow, Gangnamstein. I wish I'd have thought of that.
Scene Description: Back at the Blockbuster, Randy now walks around in a limp and hunched over
Randy: Stan?! Daddy wants to have a little talk, Stan! Stanny boy?! I'M COMING! [notices a video and stops] Oh look, Wedding Crashers. [takes it and carries it around, then notices Shelly and stops] What are you doing, Shelly?
Shelly: [sprays some lighter fluid onto some DVDs on a rack, then lights a match] Nothing, Dad. Go back to killing the family. [tosses the match onto the floor]
Randy: Okay. [walks on] STAN! [Shelly squeezes some more lighter fluid onto the racks, which quickly go up in flames.] STANNY BOY, I'M COMIN'!
Scene Description: The Monster Mash. Mr. Mackey is at the podium dressed as PSY.
Mr. Mackey: Hokay everyone, it's time to start the costume contest. m'kay.
Stan: Wait a minute. There they are!
Mr. Garrison: [turns around] There's who? [the four robbers are shown]
Stan: Listen everybody, those guys right over there are- [some rustling is heard and Randy takes Stan's iPad from him]
Randy: Who are you people?! You aren't real!
Officer 3: Hey hay, I can't see! Where do I go? [begins to walk blindly, and the transformation to Gangnamstein is complete]
Randy: Do you think I'm crazy for buying Blockbuster?! I'll make you pay! Alluh! All! [everyone begins to run out of the community center.] I got a little somethin' for all of you! [takes a golf club from a golfer and starts swinging it around] Run! You'd better run!
Scene Description: a family watches a movie on an XBox in the living room. Gangnamstein crashes through the front door.
Randy: Waaarg! Look at the people watching movies on their Xbox. Haarrrr!
Family: HAAAAA! [they get off their sofa and run]
Randy: Haarrrr! [walks forward]
Scene Description: A toddler's room. Two little boys watch a movie on a tablet. Gangnamstein breaks through the bedroom window and the boys hug each other in sheer fright.
Randy: Raaaawr! [falls to the floor, but gets up again]
Filmore and Quaid: AAAAA!
Randy: Streaming Halloween 4! Hahaha!
Filmore and Quaid: [get off the bed and run] AAAAA! [run out of the house, with Gangnamstein behind them] AAAAA!
Randy: AAAAA! [a spotlight shines on Kyle's iPad] AAAAA! [Gangnamstein raises its arms to shield itself from the light. Yates and his officers have arrived and are ready to shoot]
Sgt. Yates: FIRE! [the officers fire away]
Randy: Arrrg! [looks to his left] Hey, what are you doing?!
Stan: [gaining control of his own iPad] It's mine, Dad, get your own! What the hell's going on?! [Officer 3 takes the iPad off and throws it away while he keeps getting shot, and finally falls over dead. The gunfire stops]
Sgt. Yates: We got the sonofabitch!
Officer 5: Wait, wasn't that Peterson in there? [Officer 2 shushes him quickly]
Sgt. Yates: Well, I hope you guys have learned that crime doesn't pay.
Robber 1: Not with the convenience of online streaming it don't.
Butters: Kyle! Kyle! It's Stan! He's dying. [Kyle knows what this means and walks over to his iPad]
Kyle: Stan?
Stan: Hey dude.
Kyle: The judging's almost done. You're gonna make it. [the low battery indicator pops up - 5% remaining] Oh God. [turns to the gathering crowd] SOMEBODY GET ME A CHARGER! [turns back to Stan] Hold on Stan! Don't die on us!
Stan: It's okay Kyle, It's okay. Hit OK. [Kyle does so, and the indicator disappears] You guys go win that costume contest. You can do it. Lift the trophy for me.
Kyle: You're gonna see it. [to the crowd] WILL SOMEBODY GET ME A GOD DAMNED CHARGER?
Stan: Just have a good Halloween, you guys. And Kenny?
Kenny: Yeah, Stan?
Stan: Stay gold. [the iPad runs out of juice and the screen goes black, except for some symbols indicating the iPad needs to be recharged. Cartman roars like Hulk in agony.]
Scene Description: Blockbuster, midnight. Randy walks out of it in a stupor while flames inside it get bigger. Randy slurs his speech so it's hard to understand
Randy: Stan?! I'm comin'! I'm comin', Stan! [mumbles incoherently again, waving the videos he took with him in anger] Stan! [finally collapses into a snowdrift]
Scene Description: Blockbuster parking lot, morning. Randy is now frozen and covered in snow. His facial expression has gotten worse. Sharon, Stan, and Shelly arrive some time later
Sharon: I spoke with the insurance company. [the destroyed Blockbuster is shown] They said we can get some of our money back. Not all of it, but some. You wanna go home? Get changed? Take a shower?
Randy: [through frozen lips] No...
Sharon: You wanna just sit here a little more and be frozen?
Randy: Yeah...
Sharon: You want me to bring you some McDonald's?
Randy: Okay...
Sharon: What do you want from McDonald's?
Randy: Chicken nuggets... and fries... sweet and sour sauce... and a Hi-C Orange. [Sharon and the kids turn and walk away. Presumably Sharon has the car keys now. Stan returns and replaces the videos Randy has in his hand with the same movies on his iPad]


Scene Description: Walgreens, day. A line of people starts at the store entrance and goes out for blocks. Inside, two pharmacists sit at a folding table removing wristbands from people
Pharmacist: Next please. [one man gets off a stool and leaves, and another one steps up and sits in it] You are sure you want to do this?
Man: Of course I'm sure!
Pharmacist: [gets out some scissors and motions to the man] Okay, roll up your sleeve. [the man rolls up his sleeve as if he's going to receive a flu shot. The nurse sees the yellow bracelet the man is wearing and cuts it off, then puts it into a small tray to her right. The man looks a bit relieved]
Scene Description: Outside, Cartman waits for his turn to get the wristband cut off
Cartman: [upset] I can't believe we all got duped. I've been wearin' this stupid things for months! I feel like such a tool.
Scene Description: Inside, Clyde gets his wristband removed
Clyde: Lying jerk! [hops off the stool and leaves. Mr. Mackey steps up and sits down on the stool, sobbing]
Pharmacist: [snipping off the wristband] Hold still please.
Mr. Mackey: [stands up and turns to leave] I don't know what to believe in anymore, okay?! [walks away still sobbing]
Cartman: All right, let's do this! Make me believe in something that's bullshit, will you?! [begins to roll up his sleeve, but then] Oh, hold on. [takes off his jacket and lets it drop to the floor] Aah, let's see... that one. [the same yellow one the others are having cut off. She cuts that one off] Stupid fraud! [spits onto the band] Good riddance to YOU! [picks up his coat and puts it on, walks off, and another man replaces him. The pharmacists adds Cartman's wrist band onto the others]
Man 2: All right, I'm next! I'm next! Get this thing off of me! [the pharmacist does so.]
Scene Description: Outside, Cartman walks out to find Kenny, Kyle, and Stan waiting for him
Kyle: Did you do it?
Cartman: Yep, it's done. You know I spent five bucks on that stupid thing?!
Kenny: (I told you it was a bad idea.)
Cartman: Oh don't even start, Kenny! Just because you guys didn't buy into the bracelets doesn't mean you're smarter than me, okay?! [Stan sighs and steps forward, turns right and walks away] What's wrong with him?
Scene Description: The Marsh house, day. Stan walks in and sees Randy on the sofa with a bottle of beer in hand
Randy: Oh I feel like such an idiot.
Stan: It's all right, Dad.
Randy: But I wore that wristband everywhere, and the guy's a complete phoney! [turns on the TV and raises the volume] There's even more coming out about it today.
Anchor Tom: These latest tests are once again confirming that the performance-enhancing drug HGH was in the body of Christ at the time of crucifixion. All over the country people are having their "What Would Jesus Do" wristbands cut off. It was just last week a team of scientists found traces of HGH on the Shroud of Turin [actual footage of a corner of the shroud being analyzed is shown] , along with several other illegal compounds and painkillers. [some lab testing is shown, then a panel of scientists addresses the issue]
Lead scientist: Without a doubt there was uh HGH in the body of Christ at the time of crucifixion. Jesus did not suffer for our sins, he was in fact very high.
Randy: All the years of being told somethin'. It's just so unfair!
Anchor Tom: Priests and bishops have been working overtime to remove Jesus from the record books and from The Last Supper. [a painter is shown painting over part of Jesus' head. Next, Benedict XVI is shown speaking to the crowds at St. Peter's Basilica. The subs say "It's really a shame that Christ had to bring this embarrassment onto the church. We cannot tolerate any deity who used illegal substances to perform his miracles."]
Randy: I know people that paid ten bucks for those bracelets. I bet they all feel pretty stupid now. [Stan lowers his head and walks away. He goes upstairs to his room, enters and closes the door, and sits at his desk. He rolls up his left sleeve and gazes at his WWJD bracelet. He sighs heavily.]
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The school day starts with the kids entering the main building.
Butters: Yeah, and so, and so then, I asked Preacher, "Well, what about the New Testament?"
Cartman: Uh huh.
Butters: And he says, "Well you still should oughta read it, but you're gonna need to put an asterisk next to Jesus' name whenever it comes up."
Cartman: So weak dude. Dark times, brah, dark times. [reaches his locker and opens it, then notices Stan. Butters walks over to Craig and another boy.] Dude, what the hell? You're wearing a "What Would Jesus Do" bracelet!
Stan: All right all right, I got it a few weeks ago. Big whoop.
Cartman: The big whoop isn't that you have one, the big whoop is that you're still wearing it!
Butters: Yeah, Stan. Didn't you hear Jesus did all his miracles on drugs?
Stan: Yeah I know.
Cartman: Well don't you care?! Jesus Asterisk Christ, Stan! People are feeling really cheated by all this!
Mr. Mackey: [walks by in a zombie-like fashion] Wuughhhuh. Where do I go? What do I do?
Craig: Cartman's right. If you care about fairness, Stan, then you really have to lose the bracelet.
Stan: Look I just don't want to, you guys. Honestly, it's not that big a deal.
Scene Description: The Charlie Rose logo pops up on a TV
Announcer: It's the Charlie Rose show. Here's Chuck.
Charlie Rose: We are here tonight with the only person in America who still wears his "What Would Jesus Do" wristband. Please welcome Stan Marsh.
A Voice: Dick! [Stan looks around]
Charlie Rose: Stan, after everything that's come out, after all the facts have been proven, why do you still wear the wristband?
Stan: I don't know, [looks at his wristband] I just like it.
Charlie Rose: You just like it.
Stan: Yeah. I donno. I've had it a long time, I just don't feel like cutting it off.
Charlie Rose: Well joining us now is just one of the billions of people who think that anyone who still wears their "What Would Jesus Do" wristband is doing all of society a disservice. Chris Martin you say that Stan Marsh is... a dick?
Chris Martin: Yeah, yeah, thanks Charlie. My problem with this kid is he doesn't care about the truth! Okay, if Jesus rose from the dead with the help of drugs, that's fine, but then he went on to say it was a miracle, and that is where it became dangerous! What about the Incas?! What about the Aztecs?! Millions of people who were murdered in Jesus's name, and then Jesus turns out to be a fraud! Wearing that bracelet is a slap in the face to everyone!
Charlie Rose: What do you say about that, Stan?
Stan: ...I don't know. [checks his wristband again] I like it.
Charlie Rose: All right, well we searched high and low to find my next guest who actually agrees with Stan Marsh, and thinks he's doing the right thing. Please welcome a retarded fish. [the fish, wearing a cycling helmet, babbles in the water] Now, Retarded Fish, you don't see any problem at all with someone keeping their bracelet [the fish babbles some more]
Chris Martin: That that's because, that's because you're a retarded fish, and you don't know any better! What about the Crusades?! The Inquisitions?! How many people were tortured to death for somebody who is a fake?! [the retarded fish lets out a short "blat"]
Charlie Rose: What about the Crusades, Stan? Does that enter into your decision at all?
Stan: No, I just, I don' know. No.
Charlie Rose: Anything to add, Retarded Fish?
Retarded fish: Nnno, No, I'm good. Thank you.
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Stan walks down the hall and Mr. Mackey spots him
Mr. Mackey: Stan! Hey Stan, can I talk to you? [Stan stops as Mr. Mackey approaches him] Listen, Stan, ah I just wanna tell you... You've really been an inspiration m'kay?
Stan: I have?
Mr. Mackey: Yeah. You know, I can't believe in Jesus anymore, 'cause he's a damned fraud, so what I'm gonna believe in is just bein' me, and bein' independent like you. So what I did is I got this brown bracelet to remind me of standing my ground, uhkay? And just believin' in the cause of bein' me.
Stan: You're wearing a bracelet to think of me?
Mr. Mackey: Oh I'm not the only one. There's lost of people doin' it. [Butters walks by] Hey Butters. Stand ground.
Butters: [turns around and lift up his right arm] Stand ground, Mr. Mackey! [Stan is surprised to see Butters with a brown bracelet. Butters turns around and walks to his locker]
Mr. Mackey: Anyway, thanks Stan. And... you know, just keep on, keep on standing your ground, okay? [walks away. Stan walks over to Butters]
Stan: You're wearing a brown bracelet, Butters?
Butters: Well yeah. [points to it with his left hand] It helps remind me that I shouldn't back down anymore when I feel pressure from other people. I just got really moved when I saw what did for all those farmers in Belarus. [switches folders]
Stan: ...Farmers in where?
Scene Description: A farm in Belarus, day. A group of farmers face down some bulldozers. A different language is spoken, but the subs say
Worker: Move aside, farmers! This land is no longer yours!
Farmer: We will not move aside! We will stand our ground! [shows off his bracelet] Like the child on the Charlie Rose show! [the other farmers cheer him on]
Stan: Dude, where are people getting all the brown wristbands?
Butters: I donno. I got mine down at 7-11. [takes Stan down to the store] See? Right here. [a small rotating stand stocked with Stanground Bracelets is shown]
Clerk: Hello, you interested in the Stanground braceleh-OH! Wow, it's you! [lifts up his right arm to show off his bracelet] Stanground, brah!
Stan: Wow, this is happening so fast.
Steve Nelson: Hello Stan, Steve Nelson with Endorsement Management. Are you ready for your Nike commercial? [looks at Butters, who smiles back at him]
Scene Description: The Nike commercial
Stan: [looking out over a river from a stone bridge] My friends told me I was crazy, [jogging down a sidewalk in a Nike jogging suit] that I was wasting my time. [holding court at a press conference. Cameras all around him take pictures] But my cause is to stand my ground. [sits in a park, then stands up as the sun sets] When others sat, I kept my bracelet on, because I stand... [faces the sun and raises his left arm, still wearing the bracelet. It begins to glow] for standing.
Scene Description: At a Sizzler
Waiter: Would you like to be seated?
Stan: No thanks. I'll stand.
Scene Description: At the movies
Moviegoer: Hey, you wanna siddown?
Stan: I'm good.
Scene Description: On a flight
Flight attendant: Sir, the captain has asked everyone to take their seats.
Stan: Tell the captain to take off. [At the gym] People ask me, "You never took the bracelet off? Not once?" [outside, with a sunset behind him] No. Never. Not. Ever. [Three phrases pop up onscreen: "STAN for something. STAN up. STAN ground."] What do I do? I Stan ground. [a double swoosh appears onscreen]
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Mr. Garrison writes up a bunch of stuff on Dr. Drew
Mr. Garrison: Now, when Dr. Drew told Jeff Conway he was on a one-way street to nowhere, what tactics did he use to try and convince-? [a classroom door flies open and a bunch of men pour in. Among them is the lead scientist on the Shroud of Turin.]
Lawyer: Mr. Marsh, if you don't mine, we'd like to see your bracelet.
Stan: For what?
Lead scientist: If you have nothing to hide, then please hand it over, Mr. Marsh.
Kyle: What are you people talking about?
Field reporter: Are we good? We live? Tom, I'm here at South Park Elementary, where officials have barged their way in after reports of Stan Marsh of the Stanground Foundation did in fact at one point remove his yellow bracelet. Rumors have surfaced that Stan did not stan his ground as previously stated, and that the wristband is in fact superglued back together.
Lead scientist: Please let us check your wristband for superglue.
Stan: No! This is stupid!
Butters: He's the one person who doesn't do stuff like that! Why don't you leave him alone!
Lead scientist: Are you afraid we might find glue on your bracelet, Mr. Marsh?
Stan: No! I never cut if off!
Lead scientist: Then, let us ah-see it.
Jimmy: [pounding his desk with his fist] This is an outrage! Who out there is saying that our friend Stan is a liar?
Lead scientist: I cannot say, but he is a reliable and credible source who is of the utmost prestige.
Butters: Who?
Lead scientist: All right, it was Craig. [another scientist steps aside to show Craig]
Cartman: Craig?! You asshole!
Stan: What's the big idea, Craig?!
Craig: It just looked like you cut it off, that's all.
Stan: You got nothin' better to do than try and knock me down?! You can't just say anything you want about people!
Butters: Ooo, look at him go, Stanning his ground!
The Class: Yeah!
Stan: You know what happens when you lie, Craig?! You hold that lie inside!
Butters: Go Stan!
Stan: And it grows and it grows, right in your balls, until they have to cut it out!
Butters: ...A little unnecessary, but go Stan!
Stan: Go ahead and test it! Then let's just see what happens to this money-hungry, alcoholic prostitute!
The Class: Yeah!
Butters: Prostitute!
Scene Description: Breaking News
Announcer: This is breaking news.
Anchor Tom: The tests are done and the results are in. The little boy who claimed he never cut off his "What Would Jesus Do" bracelet did cut it off, and lied about it.
Lead scientist: Not only did we find traces of ah-superglue, but of yellow magic ah-markeur as well. This is a dark ah-day for honest French-Swedish people everywheure.
Anchor Tom: Though the tests seem conclusive, Stan Marsh continues to deny any cheating.
Scene Description: Stan's room, night. He's got posters of STANdground all over his walls, but he's pissed off. Someone knocks on his door
Stan: Yeah. [the door opens and Kyle enters]
Kyle: Hey dude, people are kind of pissed off at you.
Stan: Thanks Kyle.
Kyle: You probably should come clean and tell the truth. Did you superglue your bracelet?
Stan: Why does it matter?!
Kyle: Because you kind of made it matter.
Stan: You know, I'm just, I'm just through with this whole thing! I just, I can't put my family through any more of this!
Kyle: S-so you did superglue it.
Stan: [hops off his bed and walks over to his desk] Ugh, you know what's really sad?! That this is what matters to people! What nobody seems to remember are the farmers in Belarus! STANground is bigger than me! You wanna tell all those farmers in Belarus it's all bullcrap?!
Kyle: Dude, the sooner you eat your peas, the sooner you can try to win some of your friends back. Eh ya you need to Bill Clinton this.
Stan: You really think I went through all that trouble, lying about my wristband and claiming to be something I wasn't, for what, Kyle?! For what?! [Kyle looks around at all the Nike merchandise] This is a witch hunt, dude! It's all that stupid French scientist! He's the fraud, and I'm gonna prove it!
Scene Description: The lead scientist's mansion, night. He's dressed in pajamas and doing squats in his bedroom as his wife reads a book in bed
Wife: Would you mind getting me some water, darling?
Lead scientist: Can't you see I'm trying to do ah-my calisthenics?
Wife: But my throat is parched, dear, and I'm so scared of burglars.
Lead scientist: [stops and turns towards the bedroom door] Is ah-tap water going to be okay, or do you want me to go down to Crystal Geyser and bring Her Highness some right from the spring?
Wife: Tap is fine, dear. [the scientist leaves]
Scene Description: The lead scientist's mansion, night, outside. A shadow appears and approaches the front door.
Scene Description: The lead scientist's mansion, bedroom. The scientist gives his wife a glass of tap water and goes back to his calisthenics
Wife: What was that? I could have sworn I saw something outside.
Lead scientist: It's ah-your imagination
Wife: [moments later] Oh darling, could you change the channel for me? The remote is dead. [the scientist glares at her, sighs heavily and goes to the TV, which is set to a show on the Jewelry & Gold Shopping Network]
Lead scientist: [feeling bossed around] You just want me to change the channel or should I go and make a TV program written ah-just for you?!
Wife: No, just change to channel 10, thanks.
Lead scientist: It's ah-starting to feel like ah-The Carole Burnett Show in here. [clicks through the channels]
Scene Description: The lead scientist's mansion, elsewhere. The shadow is now inside, and it bumps into a table on which a vase sits. The vase falls and shatters
Wife: What was that?! I think somebody's here!
Lead scientist: [back to his squats] Maybe it's ah-the peepee fairy so somebody can ah-take a peepee for you too.
Wife: Please I'm terrified. Please go check it out. [the scientist again sighs heavily and leaves the room]
Scene Description: The mansion, elsewhere. The shadow approaches a corner when Stan comes in from the other side of the screen. The shadow turns out to be Jesus.
Stan: Jesus!
Jesus: Shhhh.
Stan: What are you doing here?
Jesus: My child, the man who lives here has led a witch hunt to destroy my legacy. I am simply here to search for something I can use...
Stan and Jesus: ...to discredit him too.
Jesus: That's what I'm doing. [the lights come on]
Lead scientist: Oh, it's ah-Tweedle Dumb and ah-Tweedle Dee trying to break in-ah-to my house!
Stan: Jesus, everyone is claiming you were using drugs to resurrect. Why didn't you say anything?
Jesus: Sometimes it is best to say nothing, my son.
Stan: Yeah, I've been kind of seein' that.
Lead scientist: Ah-excuse me, I'm sorry to intrude, but do you want to please ah-leave or should I make you some kofel bread and ah-sausages?!
Scene Description: The living room, later. They stay for bread and sausages.
Stan: It all just happened so fast. The next thing I knew I had a Nike commercial.
Jesus: Yeah, I know how it goes.
Stan: Everyone hates me now, and it isn't fair.
Jesus: I know. I just feel like if people could see me in action again, they'd they'd realize I'm not a fraud.
Lead scientist: [returns in a maid outfit over his pajamas] Here you go, kofel bread and some sausage for you.
Stan: Thanks a lot. [the scientist turns around and leaves.] Jesus, did you take HGH to do your miracles?
Jesus: NO! Pff! That's just... no! Okay? No. Everyone just lost their faith. Did you cut your wristband off, my son?
Stan: NO! Pff! No, that's no, okay? No. And anyway, it's not even the issue.
Jesus: Pff, I know, right?
Stan: Pff it's like, that's here [puts his hand up, palm down, about two inches above the bread] and...
Jesus: Pfyeah and we're, like, you know, p-yeah, here. [briefly raises his left hand, palm down, to about six inches above Stan's head]
Stan: Pff, there's there's farmers in Belarus who are in a life and death struggle. THAT's what should be important!
Jesus: P-yeah! Instead of focusing on us, we need to get everyone focusing on what matters! Where's Belaruh-ruh-roos?
Stan: Exactly! People don't even know where it is.
Jesus: Maybe, if we could get people to care about it, then I could go and save it, and people would be stoked on me again!
Stan: How can we raise awareness?
Jesus: We need to get some bracelets.
Scene Description: Something straight out of Dr. Seuss, day, Scauses Factory. Inside a fantastic building sits a man behind a warped desk. Stan and Jesus sit on two thrones opposite him
P.F. Pityef: Welcome, welcome, to the P.F. Pityef Bracelet Factory. How can I be of service?
Stan: Well, we wanted to start a new movement, and we thought since your company makes all the bracelets...
P.F. Pityef: Ah, I see you're wearing one of our brown scauses already. Delightful. What color would you like your new scause to be?
Stan: Our... scause?
P.F. Pityef: Well of course! You came for a scause to wear on your paws. And you want others to wear yours upon thaurs.
Jesus: I'm confused.
P.F. Pityef: Hm. Perhaps I should start from the beginning. [Stan and Jesus look at each other. What follows is a montage of Seussian animation elaborating on the poem below] In the modern age there are those who believe That a cause is a thing to be worn on one's sleeve. [the time frame here is the 1920s, based on the style of dress. everyone has their arms raised to show off their scauses] And so, we sell a cause. It's called a scause. And wearing a scause gets you lots of applause. [opens some doors to show some clapping machines] We start with some plastic which is shirped by our shirpist Then dip it in colors that show off your purpose. There are green scauses for recycling, blue scauses for kitties, [Animal Rights] And pink scauses that focus on nothing but titties. [Breast Cancer] Do you hate abortion? Ah! Then a white scause is for you! [Pro Life] Why not champion your scause with some sparkles and glue? We make scauses for this! We make scauses for that! [Chilean Miners, then Save The Dolphins, then Stop Water Pollution] Why there's even a scause for just being fat! [Test Subject, with a Tree Hugger on the side] What's the matter? Can't think of a scause? [talking to Jesus] How about raising awareness for the hairs in your schnozz? Let's just think of the thing that you care about most. [talking to Stan, so Belarus] Then let's make it orange, like marmalade toast! And now I'd like to say "thank you" for your coming down. I'm off to go sell these in your little town!
Stan: Dude, the hell just happen?
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The students mill around in the hallway before class. Mr. Mackey walks among them.
Mr. Mackey: Kids? Kids, okay, I need to talk to you about a serious matter. [the group he addresses includes Red, Bebe, Butters, Jimmy, Craig, and Clyde] You probably all noticed my orange wristband [shows it off], mkay? It's to show my solidarity with the people of Belarus. [Stan is at his locker and notices, then turns toward the locker and smiles to himself] Mkay, you should know that the Belarusian government is right now trying to-
Craig: We know, Mr. Mackey. We all have our Belarus bracelets too. [the kids raise their arms to prove it]
Mr. Mackey: Oh you do? Ya you got you got those? Okay, okay, that's good! Good you're doin' something about it, m'kay. [sees another group of kids and goes towards it] Uh hey kids. Kids over here...
Cartman: [meets the first group] Dude, what's this about orange bracelets? Where do you get them?
Clyde: There's a guy selling them downtown. But they're not made from recycled plastic.
Cartman: Dude, I don't give a crap about using recycled plastic!
Clyde: Yes you do. [tugs on the yellow wristband]
Cartman: ...Oh, I guess I do care about that. Huh.
Butters: [approaches Stan] Hey Stan, well, some people are sayin' that you knew what you were doing all along. That, that you, you cut off your wristband on purpose to shed light on the Belarusian farmers.
Stan: People are saying that? [pleased]
Butters: Yeeah. Is it true?
Stan: Wow! You know, whatever it takes, Butters. People are aware of the problems in Belarus; maybe I did it all on purpose or maybe it was just a coincidence.
Butters: Heyah, whatever Stan. Yeah I thought you were a butthole, [pokes Stan in the belly] but n-now I think you're a good sneaky little butthole. [smiles, turns and walks away]
Stan: [looks heavenward] We did it. [Butters goes around a corner and out of view]
Scene Description: The news.
Anchor Tom: It has become the biggest concern for most people. The farmers of Belarus and their plight against their government. And now one person is taking it upon himself to end the crisis. His name? Jesus.
Scene Description: Belarus, day, a field. A group of farmers faces bulldozers and tanks.
Jesus: These are very troubling times and these farmers are literally fighting for their lives. You know I'm uh, ah-I'm here just to do whatever I can.
Field reporter: Jesus, some people might be thinking you're doing this as some kind of a publicity stunt to put to rest the rumors of your drug use?
Jesus: You know, ah I don't even have time to think about that. This is a crisis that needs my attention and I'm just here to do whatever I can. I've talked to the government here and I've talked to the farmers, and I think we have everything just about worked out. [a tank unleashes a bomb and a bunch of farmers are killed]
Farmers: AAAAH!! [the tanks open fire with machine guns; more farmers are killed, until the last one falls]
Jesus: You know, whatever stupid rumors people wanna believe about me, it doesn't change the fact that the people of Belarus need my help.
Field reporter: Ah I believe it's Belarus, Jesus.
Jesus: Yes, it very well may be if we don't do something now. [the tanks and bulldozers move forward to crush the corpses of the farmers]
Field reporter: Um, so you think you've something here to keep the conflict from escalating, is that right?
Jesus: I'm just doing what I've always done. People wanna know what I'm on. What am I on? I'm on a farm in Belarus busting my ass! What are you on?!
Field reporter: Uh huh, and now that the Belarusian farmers are all dead, what will you try next?
Jesus: What? [turns around] Aw, shit!
Scene Description: South Park, day. P.F. Pityef is in town and has set up a makeshift Scauses stand on an empty lot between two other buildings. A small crowd is in front of the stand. In the crowd are Cartman, Butters, Craig, and Mr. Mackey
P.F. Pityef: One at a time, please. One at a time.
Mr. Mackey: Look, I want to return this orange bracelet, m'kay?! [it looks like everyone else does too.] It's worthless now!
P.F. Pityef: Not a problem, you can return your scause and for just five dollars I'll give you two more!
Cartman: [steps up] Okay, I need a violet one for domestic violence, a lime one for herpes, and a jade green one for how much I hate Kyle.
P.F. Pityef: Absolutely! Five dollars please.
Scene Description: Stan stands across the street from the stand, and Kyle walks up to him.
Kyle: Heidi Turner said you asked her to borrow superglue last week.
Stan: [glares at Kyle] Are you still on that dude?! Have you ever heard of ends justifying means?! [a bouncy noise is heard]
P.F. Pityef: Oh my, it's the sound!
Butters: Wu-what sound?
P.F. Pityef: Of all sounds in all sounddom this one's most profound. [puts his ear against a funnel in which a penny circles round] That's the sound that means I must pack up my tent. It's the sound of the last cent being spent. [quickly goes to a control panel and starts pressing buttons, and his stand collapses into a truck. He gets in and drives off] My work here is done, and just look at you now! You're all covered in scauses from your hoof to your brow. Enjoy all your scauses. You look great in your cause. Be sure to give each other lots of applause. I'm off to the next town in my little truck. Have a nice day! Toot a loo!
Cartman: ...Fuck! Dude, weak. [the town is covered in scauses and looks like a Dr. Seuss town]
Scene Description: Stan's house. Jesus and Stan sit on the sofa looking dejected
Stan: It's almost like... like, that guy had this figured out all along.
Jesus: Yeah...
Stan: We were trying to do good. But we got everyone duped by a bracelet company.
Jesus: Yeah, well, I guess we're just gonna have to accept that people aren't gonna think very highly of us.
Stan: Well... we can't just let that guy get away with taking everyone's money.
Jesus: What can we possibly do?
Stan: [after a long while] What would Jesus do? [Rocky fanfare plays and Jesus slowly gets energized. He gets off the sofa and walks to the dining room table, reaches into his robe and pulls out a big bottle of HGH. He plants it on the table and opens it. He pours some into the cap and drinks it. He transforms into a superhuman and flips the dining room table over. He turns and breaks through the front wall, obliterating the front door, and runs off to find the charlatan. Stan looks on] Yeheah! [Jesus goes to the Scauses factory and flips over every truck he finds in his way, then bursts into the factory. He beats up all the workers there]
Jesus: Vengeance is mine! [he destroys the assembly line]
P.F. Pityef: No please! Please show mercy!
Jesus: Get out! [picks him up and shoves him into a grinder. P.F. Pityef is ground up, but his remains clog up the grinder and raise the pressure throughout the factory. Soon the factory blows up. Everyone in town has shown up to see this and burst into applause. Later, Jesus is back to normal and on a small hill - a mount - and speaks to the crowd]
Jesus: Thank you my children. [the crowd quiets down] We've all been through a lot. We got caught up in scauses... that didn't mean squat. They turned my message away from the teachings it hid, and made it about me and the things that I did. Which of course I didn't do. And even if I did use performance-enhancing drugs, so did all the other prophets. But I didn't. So what have we learned from this great wristband theft? Maybe, that when stripped of our scauses, only causes are left. And causes shouldn't be worn on our wrists with a sneer. Let's keep our causes where they belong, which is [places his hands over his heart] right here. On T-shirts! [opens his robe enough to show his cause] Free Pussy Riot! [the crowd begins to clap and cheer]
Mr. Mackey: Free Pussy Riot!
The boys: [look at each other and then] Yeah!


Scene Description: A shot of Denver, Colorado, Tuesday. It's election day, 8:05 in the morning, Mountain Standard Time. At a Baptist church, a line of people waits to vote.
Denver poll worker: Okay, Mr. Thompson, voting line is right over there. [Mr. Thompson walks off] Next, please. [Cartman shows up dressed up in his festival best - dress shirt, suspenders, hat with a ribbon on it, and an all-day sucker. He's going to play on the sympathies of the elderly poll workers]
Cartman: Mom? Mommy? Where's my mommy?
Denver poll worker: Oh dear, did you lose your mother, little boy?
Cartman: MOM!
Denver poll worker: Security?
Denver guard: [shuffles up to the poll worker] Heaah?
Denver poll worker: This little boy lost his mom.
Cartman: She said to wait for her by the... plastic boxes if I got lost.
Denver guard: It's all right, come on. [takes Cartman's hand and walks him away]
Scene Description: a plane zooms through the sky. Cartman has an aisle seat, and he checks his watch.
Scene Description: North Carolina, 12:18 pm Eastern (or 10:18 am Mountain, for reference). At the Charlotte Community Center, Cartman runs in, still in costume
Cartman: Mom? Where's my mom?
Charlotte poll worker: Oh dear. Did you lose your mommy, little boy?
Scene Description: a Jetstream Air zooms through the sky. Cartman has a middle seat. A flight attendant walks by and stops.
Flight attendant 1: [to the aisle passenger] Would you like some warm nuts, sir?
Cartman: [wriggles in his seat and laughs] "Warm nuts", she said.
Scene Description: Florida, 3:40 pm Eastern (or 1:40 pm Mountain). At a polling station in Citrus County, Cartman stops in and clears his throat
Cartman: Mom?! I lost my Mooohhm!
Scene Description: a plane zooms through the sky. Cartman has an aisle seat again, and a flight attendant walks his way with snacks.
Flight attendant 2: Warm nuts, sir? Warm nuts?
Cartman: [breaks into a smile and laughs] No way dude. No way.
Scene Description: Ohio, 5 pm Central (4 pm Mountain)
Cartman: MOOOM! I can't find my mooom!
Scene Description: a plane zooms through the sky. Cartman has a middle seat again, and a flight attendant stops to offer the aisle passenger something.
Flight attendant 3: Would you like warm nuts, sir? [the man accepts the nuts and smiles]
Cartman: Ahaha, okay okay it's getting old. [both passenger and attendant frown at him]
Scene Description: Las Vegas, 3 pm Pacific (4 pm Mountain). Cartman runs through the polling station, and then back
Cartman: MOOOMMM! MOOOMMM!
Scene Description: Wednesday, the day after, Kyle's house. In the living room, Kyle and Ike sit on the sofa, with Ike crying.
Scene Description: News
Anchor: The people have spoken, and the President of the United States is once again, Barack Obama.
President Obama: I assure you all, I am heading back to the White House more motivated - more titillated - than ever. [Ike begins to bawl.]
Kyle: Don't be sad, Ike. Just be happy that you live in a country where people get to elect a president at all. [the phone rings and he answers it.] Hello?
Cartman: [from the Cartman kitchen] Hey Kyle. What's up?
Kyle: Nothing, watching the election results.
Cartman: Yeah, I figured. It's the day after the election, so you're probably sitting on the couch telling your little brother how great it is to live in a democratic society. [Kyle glances at Ike.] Listen, Kyle, could you come over for a second? I got somethin' I need to show you.
Kyle: What?!
Cartman: Please, Kyle. It's kind of important.
Scene Description: Cartman's house, moments later. Cartman leads Kyle upstairs to his room
Kyle: Alright, what is this all about, fatass?!
Cartman: You happy with the election results last night, Kyle?
Kyle: It doesn't matter if I am or not. People voted and I stand behind the president.
Cartman: Oh, that's such a democratic thing to say, Kyle. What if I were to tell you that I have something in my room that could change the entire election? [beams]
Kyle: Sure you do!
Cartman: What if I did, Kyle?
Kyle: Chr, what could you possibly have in your room that could change the outcome of the election? [Cartman smiles and opens his bedroom door, then shows him in. Inside are stacks and stacks of ballots Cartman has stolen from various states: Nevada, Florida, Idaho, Colorado, Virginia, Wisconsin, and North Carolina. Kyle's jaw drops]
Cartman: Pretty sweet, huh?
Kyle: What the hell is this?
Cartman: What's it look like? Hundreds of thousands of votes from all the swing states.
Kyle: I don't believe it.
Cartman: No, really. There are states full of swingers. Bunch of perverts if you ask me.
Kyle: Why do you have these?
Cartman: [walks up to a stack] Funny how voting works in this country, isn't it, Kyle. [holds up a ballot] Each one of these, a person. Someone who actually took the time to get themselves informed. Actually got up and drove to a voting area to make sure their voice was heard. [tears the ballot in two, lets the pieces fall, and fakes a shocked face]
Kyle: Dude!
Cartman: [Walks over to another stack] Here's another patriotic American. He probably spent hours listening to all those presidential ads and tuned in to every debate. [tears up that ballot]
Kyle: Knock it off, Cartman!
Cartman: Now, believe it or not, Kyle, I actually need your help. But first you have to promise not to tell anyone.
Kyle: You're not getting away with this, you fat turd! [turns around and walks out. Cartman waits a few seconds and walks to his window. He sees Kyle walk to the sidewalk, then turn right and go down the street.]
Cartman: Run now, little firefly. It's all part of the plan.
Liane: [steps in] Sweetie, there's a Mr. Pun Li Tsiao on the phone for you?
Cartman: Thanks Mom, [she leaves] I'll take that in the study. Do I have a study? I don't think I have a study. That's fine.
Scene Description: The White House, day. A Secret Service agent runs down the hall towards the Oval Office, opens the doors, and goes in
Agent: Mr. President?
President Obama: Yes?
Agent: Line 2 from China for you, sir. It's General Tso.
President Obama: [picks up the receiver and presses the Line 2 button] Yes, hello General.
General Tso: We assume you are preased with the erection results?
President Obama: Very pleased. Thank you for your help.
General Tso: And you no doubt will now begin filling your side of the bargain.
President Obama: You'll have what you want. I'll meet you in three hours. [hangs up and slumps in his chair a little]
Agent: Sir, the election may have gone the way they said, but we can't possibly give the Chinese what you promised.
President Obama: [rises and goes to a window] I don't know how they did it, but the Chinese secured my victory. I have to fulfill my obligation.
Agent: And what if General Tso suddenly gets the courage to go to the press with all this?
President Obama: Don't worry. Everyone knows General Tso's chicken.
Scene Description: Cartman's house, day. Kyle is at the front door with two police officers. One of the officers knocks, and Cartman answers the door.
Officer 1: Eric Cartman? We have a report you might be involved in voter fraud?
Cartman: [strokes his chin] Hmmm, no.
Officer 2: You mind if we search your room?
Cartman: I'm sorry, but I know my rights. You can't search my room without a warrant. And I'm afraid I can't give you permission.
Kyle: This isn't a joke, Cartman! You have to believe me, officer. The outcome of the election depends on it.
Officer 1: Let's just see. [the officers go in, and Kyle follows]
Cartman: Ey! You can't do that! Ey!
Kyle: Upstairs! First door to the left!
Scene Description: Upstairs. The officers have reached Cartman's room. Officer 1 opens the door
Cartman: I know my rights! Stop right now! [Kyle and the officers go in... and find nothing]
Kyle: But... they were here. Ah I swear it. Stacks and stacks of ballots from states all over the country!
Cartman: I was always told that... we lived in a country based on freedom. That the one thing that made America different was that government could never barge into our lives unwarranted. But it's all changing, isn't it? Ever since Obama was first elected, it's all changing.
Officer 2: Oh my God, what have we done?
Officer 1: Guess this country is changing. We're sorry little boy, we're SO sorry. [The officers walk out]
Kyle: Please you've, you've got to believe me! They've still gotta be here somewhere! Uh we've got to find them!
Cartman: But where could they be? Where? And why would I care so much about the election results? So may questions, Kyle. So... little time. [Kyle turns right and runs down the stairs]
Scene Description: The neighborhood park, day. Seven kids are shown playing basketball: Timmy and Jimmy are there, as are Stan, Token, Craig, Butters, and Kenny. Stan has the ball and tosses it to Craig, who makes a basket. Butters catches the ball. In the background, Kyle runs up to the entrance
Kyle: Guys! You guys! [runs into the group] Listen: Cartman has tens of thousands of voter ballots hidden somewhere. He's changed the outcome of the election!
Stan: Wow, really? That's pretty impressive.
Kyle: Come on guys! He's hidden them somewhere and we have to find them!
Stan: But I thought Obama won pretty easily last night.
Kyle: Dude, because of the electoral college these votes in swing states can really matter.
Stan: I don't understand that stuff at all. I need Morgan Freeman to explain it to me.
Jimmy: Yeah, I love when Morgan Freeman explains stuff.
Craig: Whenever I'm confused about what's going on in a movie, I'm always so relieved when Morgan Freeman shows up and explains the plot to me.
Kyle: God damn it this is serious, you guys! Cartman has stolen the election!
Butters: Well, mmmaybe Cartman had a good reason.
Kyle: [stares at Butters for a while] Butters, you know something, don't you?!
Butters: Huh? Wha? NO. Uhuh, why?
Kyle: [walks towards Butters] What did Cartman tell you?!
Butters: He didn't tell me nothin'. Annd I'm sworn to secrecy. Ih-it's really important, Kyle, and it isn't what you think. [glances over his shoulder and gasps] Uh, don't make me say any more!
Kyle: Tell us what you know right now!
Butters: I can't! Don't you see?! [feels around his body for something, and finally finds it: a small bottle. He opens it up and pulls out a blue M&M.] Don't make me swallow this! Wa-I'll do it
Stan: Is that an M&M?
Butters: [his voice trembles] It's an almond M&M. Ah-I'm very allergic to almonds. Heey, just leave me alone.
Kyle: Then you have to tell us!
Butters: Well... hah... HWAAAH! [quickly swallows the pill and makes sure he doesn't throw up]
Kyle: Oh shit! Don't let him swallow it! [Butters falls back, stiff]
Stan: Pry his mouth open!
Craig: He ate it!
Kyle: Butters, where are the ballots going?! Where are they going?!
Butters: Ah! Bah! I hate almonds. [passes out]
Scene Description: Red Lobster, later. Cartman is at a table eating lobster legs. He's working on one plate while three others and a bucket of lobster legs await his appetite
Waitress: More melted butter, sir?
Cartman: Mm, mhm, mhm.
General Tso: [lets out an exasperated sigh] Little boy, the President is on his way to pick up the ballots. Where are they?!
Cartman: They're nearby. Very safe and sound. I just might want to... alter our deal a little bit.
General Tso: Alter our... The President will be here in moments with what we want!
Cartman: Yes. Tell me again exactly what you plan on doing with it?
A Diner: Oh my God, it's the President! [the President comes in with his Secret Service detail and diners come up to greet him]
President Obama: Thank you, thank you all for your votes of confidence. If I could... just be a little rude and ask for a nice quiet meal in private?
Diner 1: Oh, of course. Come on, let's let the President have some peace and quiet. [the diners begin to leave the restaurant]
Diner 2: Wow, the President eats at Red Lobster. He's just a normal guy like me.
Diner 3: Come on guys. President says "get out." [chuckles]
Diner 4: I didn't actually vote for him. [chuckles. Two agents guard the doors until the diners are gone, then close the doors, while two other agents join President Obama at the table]
President Obama: All right. Where are the ballots? [Cartman cracks open a lobster leg.]
Scene Description: The ER, somewhere, day. The boys are there to visit Butters and the doctor is with them.
Doctor: Your friend has had a severe allergic reaction.
Kyle: Can we please just try and talk to him?
Doctor: All right, but don't take too long. [the boys go in]
Butters: [hard to understand with his face puffed up] What's up fellas?
Kyle: Butters, you have to tell us what Cartman is up to!
Butters: Bleh, ogayedmi.
Kyle: I didn't wanna have to do this. [opens his flip phone and presses some keys] but if you don't tell us, I'm gonna tell your dad you helped get the wrong person elected President!
Butters: AGH! No! Please! You can't!
Kyle: Then just tell me what Cartman is up to!
Butters: Okay! Okay! He's helping the Chinese get something they want.
Stan: What'd he say? [Kenny mumbles his reply and Stan understands that] Oh. Well what do you mean the election isn't the biggest thing that happened this week? [Butters mumbles a reply]
Kyle: What? [Kenny mumbles his translation] You mean the missile defense program?! [to Butters] Butters, where's Cartman supposed to hand over the ballots?!
Butters: At Red Robster. [Kyle looks at Kenny]
Kenny: (At Red Lobster.)
Kyle: [still not getting it] Where?
Butters: [enunciating as best he can] Red Lobster!
Stan: Huh?
Jimmy: He said "at Ruh ruh rruh ruh Reh Red"
Butters: [enunciating as best he can] Red Lobster!
Kenny: (Red Lobster!)
Kyle: What?
Jimmy: Ruh Rehh... Red
Butters: [stressing] Red Lobster!
Kenny: (Red Lobster!)
Stan: Oh, Red Lobster.
Scene Description: Red Lobster, later. The high-level meeting continues
President Obama: General Tso, do you have the missing ballots or not?
General Tso: Sssure, we have the ballots, but we don't have them right here with us now. [Obama looks at the general, then glances at Cartman]
President Obama: Okay, you want me to come in again, we can start over, what the fuck is this?!
Kyle: All right, where are the missing ballots?! [noticing the President] President Obama?
Cartman: Oh God damn it Kyle, I was just about to get what I wanted.
General Tso: Mr. President, we got you reelected! Now you will give us the Star Wars technology so that we can make the sequels!
President Obama: I told you China would get the rights to Star Wars from Disney as long as my Presidency was secure! [looks at Cartman] Until I have those ballots [looks at the general] it is not secure!
Kyle: Wait a minute, the rights to Star Wars, the movies? What the hell is going on here?!
Morgan Freeman: [voice only] What's going on is the sale of America's greatest asset. [music plays as he walks into view] You see, when the United States created Star Wars it made this country incredibly powerful.
General Tso: Morgan Freeman?
Morgan Freeman: [pacing back and forth] Earlier this week, Lucas signed the rights to Star Wars over to Disney, and the Chinese saw a way to obtain it for themselves. The Chinese government knew that President Obama would help them take the rights from Disney if they helped him get reelected.
Craig: Ohhhh.
Morgan Freeman: But the child who actually stole the ballots has hidden them, and won't give them to anyone until his demands are met. You've all got quite a mess on your hands. I wish you well with it. [turns around and goes back the way he came in]
Stan: Hey just one thing, Morgan Freeman: [Freeman turns around and faces the group] How come every time something convoluted needs explaining, you show up?
Morgan Freeman: Because every time I show up and explain something, I earn a freckle. [a sparkle lights up on his right cheek as a small bell sounds, fades, and leaves a new freckle there. He turns around and resumes his departure]
Cartman: So here's the deal, General Tso, Mr. President, when the Chinese make the sequels, I get to play the part of Luke Skywalker's son. Cartman Skywalker.
General Tso: That was not the deal! We will not be a-bullied by you!
Cartman: Well then, I guess we're about to play a game of Chicken, General Tso. [takes out a small ball-shaped bomb, smashes it against the table, and disappears in the resulting smoke.]
Jimmy: Heheh, I get it. General Tso's chih-chih-chicken.
Scene Description: Two secret service agents walk down a hallway somewhere
Mike: You are absolutely sure about this?
Agent 2: It's been confirmed, Mike. My God, we might have won this thing. [they reach the end of the hall]
Mike: [knocks three times, then opens the double doors and goes in] Sir? Sir, we have some... incredible news. There are rumors of hundreds of thousands of stolen ballots. You might have won the election after all. [Duck President is shown. He lets out a loud quack with shit spewing out his mouth]
Scene Description: Cartman's house, evening. Stan, Kyle, Kenny, and Token are in Cartman's living room rummaging through boxes of clothes looking for the ballots. Craig rips open the sofa cushions to look for them
Stan: There's nothing here, Kyle. [Jimmy walks in from the dining room]
Kyle: Anything in the basement, Jimmy?
Jimmy: Just old junk, and boxes of Eric's mom's d-dildos
Kyle: Well keep looking.
Liane: [walks in with some items] Oh my goodness, what's going on?
Kyle: Sorry Ms. Cartman, but your son took some things that didn't belong to him.
Liane: Oh, I've told him to respect people's property. What did he take?
Stan: He stole ballots in all the swing states so the wrong person was elected President.
Liane: [walks towards the kitchen] Oh well, no TV for him for a few days.
Jimmy: There's nothing here, Kyle. Not even one s-s-scooby clue.
Stan: Oh my God you guys, look! [points across the street. The boys walk out as the sound of a large vehicle is heard] Dude, it's Boba Fett's ship! [Indeed. The ship arrives and positions itself for landing, then descends onto the road. After a big thud, the ship's door opens... and out swaggers Mickey Mouse]
Mickey Mouse: Just what the Dickens is going on here, haha?!
Stan: Aw shit, it's him again.
Mickey Mouse: What's this about a deal with the Chinese?! I own all this shit now! I own the Death Star! I own Tatooine! It's all MINE, haha! All right fuckers, where are the missing ballots? Haha.
Scene Description: The hospital, night. Butters is still in recovery, and his face is still puffy. He's asleep
Cartman: Butters. [Butters jumps up and is wide awake] You just couldn't keep your mouth shut, could you Butters?
Butters: I didn't say anything. I promise.
Cartman: I guess we learned that when it comes to Star Wars, we can't trust anyone. Not the President, not the Chinese, and not you.
Butters: Please, Eric! I tried to be quiet, I swear!
Cartman: Shhh, it's okay, Butters. [brings forth an M&M bag and opens it] Nobody's gonna find the election ballots. [pulls out a blue almond M&M.] I have them hidden away somewhere... nobody would ever look. [places the M&M in Butters' mouth and closes it] A place in town people barely even know exists.
Scene Description: A Hummer outdoor dealership. The salesman stands around waiting for customers. Behind him is a lot full of pristine Hummers
Salesman: Hey guys. Lookin' to buy a Hummer today? [a family leaving the KFC across the street heads for its car in the KFC parking lot] We're havin' a Rocktober sales event day that's goin' into Rockvember. [the family piles into the car, the father starts it, and the family drives away. The salesman watches the family leave, then turns around and walks to a different spot - next to the missing ballots.] Hey there! Interested in test-drivin' a Hummer today? [a lone man walks slowly down the sidewalk on a cross street. Mr. Hummer takes out his hands and starts gesturing] I can see you, with the Ray-Bans, got that nice bicep haning' out the window rolled down, whattaya think? [the man looks at him, then begins to walk faster] Rockvember sales event, guys! Every Hummer comes with a free Segway.
Café Monet diner: [at a Café Monet across a third street.] Hey why don't you shut up?!
Salesman: I'm just excited about all these deals, that's all. [puts his hands in his pockets]
Scene Description: Disneyland, night. The park has closed. AT-STs patrol the grounds as TIE fighters zoom by overhead. Mickey walks through Cinderella's castle towards a door as it opens upward and reveals two storm troopers escorting Cartman, in handcuffs, to him
Storm Trooper: We found him sir, but still no sign of the missing ballots.
Mickey Mouse: Go on! Leave us alone! Haha. [the storm troopers step outside and the door comes down behind them. Mickey and Cartman walk away from the door] Now listen, little boy, the reason this country works is because people go out to vote. Every vote counts. And you need-
Cartman: Cut the crap, Mouse! You only care about the election results because Romney would have been tougher on the Chinese!
Mickey Mouse: Why don't you just tell me where the missing ballots are?! It will make your death a lot less painful! Haha.
Cartman: Trust me: they're somewhere nobody will ever find them! If you kill me, then Obama will stay President and you will lose Star Wars to the Chinese forever!
Mickey Mouse: [whips out his light saber] Pretty neat, huh? How would you like to have one?
Cartman: I can get those at K-Mart! If you want me to switch sides, you'll have to do better than that!
Mickey Mouse: [turns off his light saber] Like what?!
Cartman: I want a part in the new movies!
Mickey Mouse: [brightens up] Well then, why didn't you just come to me in the first place? If you wanna be in the next Star Wars, I'm your guy! Haha.
Cartman: I get to be Luke Skeywalker's son. And there has to be a character called Jewbacca.
Mickey Mouse: You can be Luke's son, you can be Han Solo's son, I don't give two shits and a popsicle.
Cartman: Really? Well then, I suppose that making the votes public IS the right thing to do. I can get the ballots for you. But if I'm gonna smuggle them here, I'm gonna need a blaster and a tauntaun.
Mickey Mouse: Sure thing. I've got tauntauns comin' out my asshole, haha.
Cartman: Haha.
Mickey Mouse: Haha.
Cartman: Haha. [and a new partnership is formed.]
Scene Description: Breaking Election News.
Wolf Blitzer: This is Breaking Election News. Hold that phone! The election may be over, but rumors are running rampant that hundreds of thousands of ballots for Mitt Romney were stolen!
Kyle: [with a field reporter at City Hall, with the other boys behind them] We need everyone's help here. What you're looking for are big boxes of ballots. Hundreds of them. Please check your basement, your attic, and-
Field reporter: And and you claim that a General Tso hired your friend, Fatass, to steal the ballots, but so far the Chinese are refusing to speak with us.
Kyle: Yeah, probably 'cause General Tso's chicken. [sirens and bells sound]
Field reporter: Is that it? Did he just? Did he just?
Wolf Blitzer: Yup. Chris, we're getting confirmation that was the millionth time.
Chris: Excitement and revelry at South Park as a little boy has just made the General Tso's chicken joke for the one millionth time. [confetti and balloons float down from the sky]
Kyle: What?
Field reporter: Little boy, the General Tso's chicken joke, a favorite for years, you've just hit the magic number, how does it feel?
Kyle: [quite confused] I... what? [a woman comes in from screen left with a check for five thousand dollars from P.F. Chang while another woman comes in from screen left with a sign saying "ONE MILLION TIMES!!!!!"]
Field reporter: He's being presented with the check now, a five thousand dollar gift certificate to P.F. Chang's. [Kyle holds the check up and the reporter gets closer to the camera] This has been a long campaign, but someone's finally done it, Wolf.
Scene Description: South Park, later. The boys are sitting on the curb near Tele's, eating Chinese food
Stan: Well, we tried, dude.
Kyle: It just seems so unfair. People won't ever even know that the wrong man is in the White House.
Stan: Well, I mean, look at it this way: Almost half the country did actually vote for Obama. If the election really just came down to a bunch of boxes Cartman stole, then, does it matter that much?
Kyle: It matters, Stan. It it matters.
A Santa: [voice only] Ho ho ho hoo! [Kyle glances at the TVs and walks over to get a better look] Come on down to Stevenson Hummer for our big Christmas in Humvember Sale! [same dealership as earlier, with Mr. Hummer wearing Santa facial hair and cap, ringing a bell and shaking a rattle stick] Not sure what to get your loved one this holiday season? Why not give them a nice Hummer? Nothing beats a Hummer on Christmas morning! [dances a bit. Stan joins him at Tele's picture window]
Stan: Stan, when was the last time you saw somebody drive a Hummer?
Stan: Uhhh, forever ago, like, 2010?
Kyle: [realizing where the ballots could be] Oh my God.
Scene Description: Stevenson's Hummer, day. A diner leaves Café Monet and walks down the street.
Mr. Stevenson: [the salesman] Hey, looking for a Hummer today? Got some 2009s here. Never been driven. ...Ever. [a crow lands on a blue Hummer. Mr. Stevenson notices, turns around and moves towards it] Go on, get out of here! Shoo! [the crow leaves as Kyle and friends show up and enter the lot]
Kyle: Look! There they are!
Mr. Stevenson: Hey, hi there! You kids like Hummers, huh? Let me show you these babies!
Kyle: We found it, you guys! [hears some vehicles showing up and looks] Oh no, they followed us! [several black cars pull up and the Chinese pour out of them]
Mr. Stevenson: Oh hell yes! Asians! Hey guys!
General Tso: Get out of our way!
Kyle: No! These don't belong to you! They belong to the people!
General Tso: [pulls out a pistol from his pocket and aims it at Kyle] I am tired of playing games! This little farce is ovah! [a shot from a ray gun obliterates the pistol]
Cartman: [on a tauntaun] I don't think so, General Tso! This way, officers! [police cars show up]
Mr. Stevenson: Oh my God it's a sales rush! [the police pour out of their cars]
Officer 2: Oh my God. Are those what I think they are?
Cartman: Yes, we must show these to the public! For democracy's sake, right Kyle?
Officer 3: Sir, we've found something, at the Hummer sales lot outside of town.
General Tso: You don't understand. We are trying to protect the greatest film series ever made!
Kyle: Protect it?
Officer 4: What the hell is going on here?!
Morgan Freeman: [voice only. The officers all face him] Perhaps I can explain it to you. [appears between the Hummers and walks up to the group] You see, it turns out the only reason the Chinese so desperately wanted Star Wars is because they're afraid that Disney might not be the right place for it. The Chinese simply want to guard Star Wars impeccable legacy.
Officer 5: Is that Morgan Freeman?
Morgan Freeman: And now we're at a crossroads. If these ballots are made public, then the man the people voted for will be President, but he will no doubt keep Star Wars from the Chinese, and allow Disney to keep it instead. And so we have to ask ourselves, "What's more important? That the right man is elected President, or that Star Wars is with people who will protect it most?" [six new freckles appear on his face, and he caresses his right cheek]
An Officer: [through a walkie-talkie] Unit 4, what is it?! Over.
Officer 1: Well kid?
Kyle: Well... if you put it that way...
An officer: Come in Unit 4! What have you found?!
Officer 1: Nothing sir. We just found some tremendous deals on cars nobody wants, that's all. Barkley out. [Stan walks up to the ballots with a match, strikes the match against the asphalt and lights it, and sets fire to the ballots]
Cartman: No! But Obama wasn't really elected! Don't you people care?! [the Chinese, the police officers, and the boys all hold hands around the bonfire and begin to chant]
Group: Obama is President again. [as the smoke gathers in the sky, a real-life image of President Obama appears and sways slowly back and forth.]