Scene Description: The Pentagon, President-Elect Garrison is approached by two members of the military.
General Revaur: Mr. President? Russians are scrambling bombers to attack Denmark. NATO wants to know how we intend to stop them. Mr. President?...Mr. President you can't just sit there with your "stank face".
Mr. Garrison: Iah-uhk-uh-I cain't?
Military Officer: The TrollTrace website is set to go online in less than fifteen minutes, the world is in complete chaos!
NSA Agent: [From a nearby workstation.] Sir, someone is leading a coordinated cyber strike on the TrollTrace website.
Mr. Garrison: [Joyously.] A cyber attack, well that's good! Where's it comin' from?
NSA Agent: It could be Russian, we don't know. Whoever this troll is, he's pretty fucking hardcore sir.
Scene Description: Broflovski Residence. Kyle sits in Gerald's office typing away, a can of Sprite nearby. "Smokin'" by the rock band "Boston" plays loudly.
Kyle: Okay, okay, Token? Token are you there?
Scene Description: Token pops up in a Skype window on the computer.
Token: I'm here, what's this about Kyle?
Kyle: I can't tell you dude, I just need your Smokin' help...Please, my life depends Smokin' on it.
Token: Okay, okay sure. I feel alright, mamma...
Kyle: Alright, I'm not jokin', yeah I need you to tell me the worst thing I can say on the United Negro College Fund website to piss off black people.
Token: What!?
Kyle: Token, please! There's no time to explain!
Token: Beyonce ain't nothin' but a Taylor Swift ripoff.
Kyle: That helps thank you.
Scene Description: Kyle closes Token's window and brings up Craig and Tweek.
Kyle: Tweek, Craig, I need you to get on the GLAAD website and respond to all the horrible shit I just said about gay people.
Craig: Why'd you say horrible shit about gay people?
Kyle: It's not important, just get on it and respond.
Scene Description: A popup appears, Stan Marsh is ringing Kyle on Skype. Kyle closes, Tweek and Craig, and brings Stan up.
Kyle: [To Tweek & Craig.] Hang on. [To Stan.] Stan! Finally. Dude I need everybody online now!
Stan: For what?
Kyle: Dude, there's no time to explain, you gotta go out and get everybody, tell them to get on their computers, go!
Stan: [Pumped up] Okay!
Scene Description: Kyle closes Stan's window and brings up Jimmy Valmer.
Kyle: Jimmy, what's the worst possible thing you could say on a website for handicapped Syrian refugees?
Jimmy: Wuh-Wuh-Waddle back to Syria you desert-tard. [Jimmy smiles gleefully]
Scene Description: A door is nailed shut by numerous pieces of wood and the door handle is wedged securely with a chair. On the other side, someone is trapped, jostling the handle and shaking the door.
Sheila: You boys...better not be on that computaaaaaaah! I'll make you pay for this. You locked your mother in the pantry? I'll lock you in your rooms forevaaah.
Scene Description: TrollTrace Headquarters. Gerald is locked in the conference room. Risk Astley is still blaring over the large television.
Scene Description: Never gonna give, never gonna give, give you up Never gonna give, never gonna give, give you up We've known each other, Static interrupts the song. for so long Static interrupts again and Dildo Shwaggins is seen.
Dildo Shwaggins: Skank
Gerald: Dildo?
Dildo Shwaggins: Skankhunt, can you hear me?
Gerald: Yes! Yes, where are you?
Dildo Shwaggins: The troll locked us in the control room with his Danish workers.
Gerald: How long before the website goes online?
Danish Worker: Less than ten mienutes.
Gerald: Oh God!
Dildo Shwaggins: Skankhunt! The TrollTrace servers monitor and catalog outrage and hate on the internet, there's a troll out there trying to overload them by generating tons of hate.
Dildo Shwaggins: Skank, whoever's doing it is doing it from your account.
Gerald: My account?
Dildo Shwaggins: Yeah, he's pissing off a lot of people.
Scene Description: Gerald realizes that Kyle is using his account to help save him.
Gerald: [Proudly.] That's my boy!
Scene Description: Back at SpaceX, Heidi, Elon Musk and some SpaceX employees look at a chamber containing fast flowing energy.
Female SpaceX Worker: The core energy is completely stable, and very easy to reduce. It's the most massive energy source of its size we've ever seen.
Male #Occupy Mars SpaceX Worker: We've done it Elon, with this type of energy we can easily get mankind to Mars.
Elon Musk: This is amazing! And it's all thanks to you little girl, how did you get to be so smart?
Heidi: I just- have a boyfriend who really supports me.
Scene Description: She looks over to where Cartman is and waves. Cartman half-heartedly waves back.
Elon Musk: Well, c'mon, I wanna know everything about you.
Scene Description: She and Elon Musk walk off, Cartman stands next to Butters with a troubled look on his face.
Cartman: Conniving, snakes-in-the-grass. All of them.
Butters: Yep.
Cartman: We have to tell someone the truth, Butters.
Butters: Are you sure about what's going to happen on Mars.
Cartman: It's all been leading up to this, we've just been too blind to see it before.
Male #Occupy Mars SpaceX Worker: Hey, you guys need anything? Water, Soda?
Cartman: Maybe just a moment alone, to talk?
Male #Occupy Mars SpaceX Worker: Sure, about what?
Cartman: The end of our species.
Scene Description: Back in Gerald's office in Kyle's house.
Kyle: All right, who else we got now, Kevin are you there, Kenny?
Kevin: Ye-I, I typed in everything you told me to.
Kenny: (Me too dude, what's next?)
Scene Description: Ike pops up in a window.
Ike: Kyle, I wanna help tooo.
Kyle: No, Ike. So far the only thing you've done is from dad's account, we need you to stay clean. No trolling, Okay!? You can just help me with what I should say.
Scene Description: Dildo Shwaggins pops up in a window.
Dildo Shwaggins: Hello? Can you hear me? This is Dildo Shwaggins.
Kyle: Who are you?
Dildo Shwaggins: I'm a colleague of your fathers. We see what you're trying to do, and we're gonna help, we trolled with your father, now we will troll with you.
Kyle: O- Okay?
Dildo Shwaggins: Son, you need to know that your father is very proud of you. He was the best at Trevor's Axiom, he believes you can be too.
Kyle: What the hell is "Trevor's Axiom"?
Scene Description: An NSA Agent stands next to a dry-erase board with a pointer. On the board reads "Trevor's Axiom" under which is a tree of circled letters, breaking off into tiers, representing users.
NSA Agent: Trevor's Axiom is a well-known equation in online trolling.
Scene Description: The people the NSA Agent is talking to are shown, seated at the table are President-Elect Garrison, sporting his "Stank-Face", some NSA Agents, General Revaur, and his associate.
NSA Agent: It's a way in which one person can create a massive reaction on the Internet. Look, person A trolls person B, but it's not about person B, the troll is trying to push buttons to try and get a reaction from hundreds, eventually creating person C, whose overreaction and self righteousness will elicit a reaction from persons D through F, who weren't trolls but can't help rip on person C.
NSA Agent: Their reactions lead to outrage persons G through N, and it keeps going, generating massive energy, it's like the fission reaction that leads to a fusion explosion, all bringing out the worst in humanity.
Mr. Garrison: Huh, that sorta sounds like how I got elected.
NSA Agent: Precisely, Mr. President, and if this kind of overreaction can be amplified through the Pentagon servers...
General Revaur: [Interrupting] It could blow up the Internet before TrollTrace ever does substantial damage.
Mr. Garrison: Gentlemen, get me in contact with that troll.
Scene Description: SpaceX: Interior. Cartman and Butters are sitting at a table across from the male #OccupyMars SpaceX worker
Cartman: Listen, there isn't much time. This whole thing has to be stopped. We can't go to Mars.
Male #Occupy Mars SpaceX Worker: You keep saying that, but not why.
Butters: Because Eric knows the future.
Male #Occupy Mars SpaceX Worker: What are you talking about?
Cartman: I've had visions of Mars for the past few months. I'm a visionary. That's why I came, why I brought her.
Scene Description: He hops off the chair and walks to the other side of the room.
Cartman: But the visions weren't complete until recently. I know what happens on Mars.
Scene Description: Cartman has a vision, and the red surface of Mars is now shown, as he dictates his vision.
Cartman (Voiceover): At first, you'll be super-happy, bouncing around the red sand.
Scene Description: Cartman is is in a spacesuit, jumping around saying "Cool".
Cartman: Everyone will be really nice.
Scene Description: Cartman jumps down from a small hill and notices a futuristic structure with some female astronauts nearby. They both wave to Cartman as he hops past the structure.
Female 1: Hi!
Female 2: Hi!
Cartman: Hi!
Scene Description: Cartman reaches the bottom of the hill as a rover drives past him.
Cartman: You'll think the rover cars and roller coasters are really cool.
Scene Description: The rover is now driving towards a futuristic amusement park.
Cartman: But then, you'll realize something-The other colonists all seem to be women.
Scene Description: Cartman looks around and notices a parked rover with 4 women smiling and waving to him.
Cartman: Hmm, let's see
Scene Description: Cartman hops in their direction.
Cartman: And then you'll start to wonder, "Where are all the other guys?"
Scene Description: He quickly hops past a group of girls and young women. An image of Butters' head in a space helmet zooms past Cartman. Butters voice is heard.
Butters: [Whispering] Look underground.
Scene Description: Butter's voice echoes as Cartman hops toward an underground mine entrance.
Cartman: And soon, you'll realize there's areas you didn't understand the purpose for.
Scene Description: Cartman stops and examines the entrance, then proceeds inside.
Cartman: What is this place?
Cartman: And that's when you'll learn the truth...
Scene Description: A chamber unfolds in front of Cartman, it is filled with exhausted, naked men who have hoses attached to their penises. Each of them are standing in front of a station housing a reservoir of their semen and a laptop computer resides in front of each of them.
Cartman: Men have been forced underground, deemed useless by women.
Scene Description: The naked men are struggling to type on their laptops while being drained of their semen.
Cartman: They are mined for the only things women still need us for, our semen, and our jokes.
Scene Description: Cartman continues watching, as two women come up from behind, and grab him.
Cartman: What?! No, no!
Scene Description: One of the women removes Cartman's helmet.
Cartman: You're just as funny as us! You don't need to do this!
Scene Description: Soon, Cartman has been stripped of his clothes and is now naked, attached to a station.
Cartman: Nooooooo! No, no!
Scene Description: A woman in a spacesuit is standing behind him, yelling at him.
Female 3: Write jokes!
Scene Description: Cartman starts typing on the laptop, wimpering.
Cartman: No! No!
Scene Description: SpaceX: Interior. Cartman's vision ends.
Cartman: And you'll be trapped down there forever, in the cum and joke mines of Mars.
Male #Occupy Mars SpaceX Worker: That's, That's ridiculous. Why would women need us to do that? They're just as funny as men.
Cartman: If there's even a little part of you that really doesn't believe that, then think about what else has to be going on.
Scene Description: They all look up at two female SpaceX employees that walk by. The girls stop and notice the guys staring at them.
Female SpaceX Employee: What?
Male #Occupy Mars SpaceX Worker: What?
Scene Description: Cartman hops back on chair, whispering.
Cartman: You have to help us stop this!
Scene Description: TrollTrace:Conference Room. Gerald is trying different access codes to open the door, but is consistently rejected
Gerald: [Frustrated.] Ah! God damn it!
Dildo Shwaggins: Skank! You still there?
Gerald: [He walks over to the TV.] Yeah, I'm here.
Scene Description: TrollTrace:Assembly Hall. Dildo Shwaggins is sitting at a computer with the rest of the trolls and TrollTrace staff
Dildo Shwaggins: The servers are starting to heat up, but the Danish say there are breakers that will never let them overload. You got to climb up the building and shut off the breakers.
Gerald: [He looks up at the monito.r] I can't go anywhere. I'm locked in the conference room.
TrollTrace employee: Oh, the key code to the conference room is 9...
Gerald: [He runs over to the panel and presses 9.] Yeah...?
TrollTrace employee: That's it. 9.
Gerald: [Frustrated.] Oh, for fuck's sake! [The panel light turns green, the door opens, and Gerald runs out.]
Scene Description: Broflovski Residence. Sheila is still trying to break open the kitchen pantry door.
Sheila: [She's pounding the door.] Kyle! You better run if I get out of here! You better pray that-[The chair moves and she is begins to pry open the door with her hands.]-ah!
Scene Description: Sheila eventually break the kitchen pantry door with her bodyweight. She comes out looking disheveled and breathing heavily, before yelling in frustration.
Scene Description: TrollTrace:Locker Room. Gerald runs in and stops at a locker to grab a uniform. He then proceeds up the ladder in the server room
Dildo Shwaggins: [He speaks over P.A. system.] Skank. Skankhunt, are you there yet?
Gerald: Yeah, I'm up with all the servers.
Scene Description: TrollTrace:Assembly Hall. Dildo Shwaggins is sitting at a computer with the rest of the trolls and TrollTrace staff
TrollTrace employee: The first breaker should be there. Tell him to look for a large red lever.
Dildo Shwaggins: [He speaks over P.A. system.] Skank, do you see a large red lever?
Gerald: [notices the lever] Yeah, I got it [grabs the lever]
Dildo Shwaggins: [He speaks over P.A. system.] Flip it off
Scene Description: Gerald pulls the lever down, causing an alarm to go off.
Dildo Shwaggins: [He speaks over P.A. system.] That's good. Keep going Skankhunt.
Scene Description: Ike's room. Ike is on the computer with a headset.
Ike: You are all dumbass... fuckwads.
Scene Description: An angry Sheila starts to slowly walk up to Ike's door and then into his room
Ike: Lick my asshole, you Mexican... bitch.
Sheila: Ike!
Ike: [screams]
Sheila: [Yelling.] You dare lock me in the pantry, so you can play on your computer?!
Scene Description: Sheila charges at Ike, but he manages to slide and crawl under her nightgown. She then grabs his computer monitor and throws it down onto the floor.
Ike: Mommy!
Sheila: [Yelling.] You're gonna pay for what you have done!
Ike: Aah! [He runs out into the hallway.]
Scene Description: Sheila follows Ike into the hallway and starts screaming
Scene Description: Gerald's office. Kyle is typing on the computer just as Ike pushes the door open
Ike: Kyle!
Sheila: Ike!
Kyle: [He throws down headset.] Shit!
Ike: Mommy got out!
Scene Description: Kyle gets off the chair and tries to shield Ike from Sheila
Sheila: [Panting.] You...! You helped turned your brother this way!
Kyle: Mom, there's been a mistake. Ike isn't the school troll. We're trying to help-
Sheila: Shut up! Not another word from either of you! You're both grounded from the computer...forever!
Scene Description: Sheila charges at the boys, but Kyle and Ike side step her and move towards the window.
Kyle: Mom, please, you got to listen to me. Ike is innocent
Sheila: [Yelling.] Do you think I'm stupid?!
Kyle: No, Mom. You just don't know everything. [Kyle straps a vest around his chest.]
Sheila: You both march out of here, right now!
Kyle: I'm sorry, Mom. I'm just trying to protect my family
Scene Description: Kyle grabs Ike and pulls the ripcord on his vests, launching both of them out the window. Sheila then runs over to the window and looks on in shock.
Scene Description: SpaceX:Exterior. A large group of people are making noise outside the entrance.
Scene Description: SpaceX:Interior. The Male #Occupy Mars SpaceX Worker is walking alongside Elon Musk.
Male #Occupy Mars SpaceX Worker: Look, Elon, I'm just saying before we go any further, you might want to hear this kid out. [They both stop in front of Cartman and Butters.]
Male #Occupy Mars SpaceX Worker: Go on, tell Elon.
Cartman: Elon, I know you've dreamt of mankind getting to Mars, but its not going to be very kind to man. They're going to put us underground.
Elon Musk: For what?
Cartman: What's the one thing women don't have? Semen and a sense of humor.
Elon Musk: That's two things.
Cartman: They're pretty related.
Elon Musk: Women don't need us for comedy. They can be just as funny as men. You should meet my girlfriend. She's really smart and really funny.
Cartman: Oh, Elon. Oh, Christ, Elon.
Butters: I used to think women were funny, too, but Eric talked me out of it.
Cartman: It's something they do to our brains. They attract us like flies to the spiderweb. And then they make you think they're really smart, really funny. But they're only really smart, Elon.
Scene Description: Cartman turns around and notices Heidi looking at him through the glass partition.
Cartman: They can live without us. We can't live without them.
Scene Description: Heidi waves to Cartman and he waves to her with a smile. She then walks away
Cartman: If even 1/16th of you believes that women might not be as funny as men, Elon-[He turns around and notices that Elon isn't there.] Elon?
Scene Description: Copy and Print: Exterior. Kyle and Ike are inside, with Kyle trolling on the computer.
Kyle: Why don't you kill yourself? Trust me, no one will care.
Ike: You fat hooker.
Kyle: You fat hooker. Ike, when this is all over, we're gonna need to clean your mouth out.
Ike: You clean your fucking mouth out.
Scene Description: Stan pops up on a FaceTime window
Kyle: Stan! You still haven't found Butters yet? Dude, I need his hatred towards women right now!
Stan: Dude, he's not around anywhere. He must be out of town.
Kyle: Shit!
Scene Description: A FaceTime notification from "The President" pops up
Kyle: Hold on...
Scene Description: Mr. Garrison pops up on a FaceTime window.
Mr. Garrison: Kyle?!
Kyle: [Surprised.] Oh, hey, Mr. President
Mr. Garrison: Kyle, you're the troll who started all this?!
Kyle: Uh...what do you mean?
Mr. Garrison: Don't worry. Your secret's safe with me. So long as you keep doing what you're doing. The American government is behind you.
Kyle: [Surprised.] It is?
Mr. Garrison: Keep up the good work. We're gonna take that big shitstorm of hate you're creating and amplify it. We'll try to create enough energy to blow up the whole fucking internet. [He gives Kyle a military salute] You're doing God's work, son. Keep it up.
Kyle: [He gives Mr. Garrison a half-hearted military salute.] Thanks?
Scene Description: The skies of Denmark. Tjing Tjang Tjing is heard as Lennart Bedrager is flying a helicopter with a grin on his face. As he looks at his phone, his expression changes into shock as he sees video of Gerald shutting down the servers.
Bedrager: Oh, no, you don't.
Scene Description: Bedrager turns the helicopter around and heads back to the TrollTrace building.
Scene Description: South Park: Residential neighborhood. People are panicking and running around on the streets. Sheila walks up to the Tucker residence and knocks on the door.
Sheila: Laura, have my boys come to see Craig? They're hiding from me.
Scene Description: Laura is sobbing.
Sheila: What? What? What?
Laura: [She wipes her nose with a tissue.] The son of a bitch. He's such a bastard.
Scene Description: Laura walks away from the door into the living room. A confused Sheila follows her into the house
Laura: When you marry someone and you think you know them...
Sheila: I don't know what you're talking about.
Laura: TrollTrace. Its up and running. [She points to the laptop sitting on the table.]
Laura: It can tell you anybody's Internet history. [She starts to walk to her couch.]
Laura: I couldn't resist. I looked up my husband. [Sheila approaches the laptop.] The websites he's visited are just...disgusting!
Sheila: May I use this a moment?
Laura: Sure. Type in any name. It'll show you everything they've ever done online. Be careful. You might not like what you see.
Scene Description: Sheila takes a seat and accesses The TrollTrace website. She starts to type in Ike's name and all his personal information. A detailed list of websites with date and time stamps appears in front of her. She starts to scroll down the list and is shocked at what she sees.
Scene Description: SpaceX:Exterior. A large group of people are making noise outside the entrance.
Scene Description: SpaceX:Interior. Butters is standing around while Cartman is nervously pacing back and forth.
Cartman: What the hell am I going to do, Butters? Semen and a sense of humor. I can't live without Heidi. I know I'll be miserable. But I also can't live on the cum and joke mines of Mars.
Butters: Gee, I don't know what to tell you, buddy.
Cartman: If I stay on Earth where the internet is, Heidi finds out I know women aren't actually funny. And if I go to Mars, I get milked like a goat.
Scene Description: Butters' phone rings and he becomes mad as he answers it.
Butters: What?!
Kyle: Butters! Where the fuck are you?!
Butters: Oh, I'm at SpaceX. Where are you?
Kyle: SpaceX? Why?!
Butters: Well, we sort of created this ginormic energy source, but now, we're trying to figure out what to do with it.
Kyle: [He swivels his chair around.] Like...how ginormic of an energy source?
Butters: Like enough to get humanity to Mars.
Cartman: [He is heard over Kyle's phone.] Is that Kyle?
Cartman: [He takes Butters' phone.] Kyle, do you mind? I'm having really big girl problems right now.
Kyle: Cartman, I think we might be able to help each other.
Scene Description: TrollTrace:Server Room. Gerald is moving up another ladder in the server room
Dildo Shwaggins: [He speaks over P.A. system.] Skank, there's no more time! Have you found the last breaker?
Scene Description: Gerald is at the last walkway and is staring at a path leading to a mechanical door.
Gerald: I think so. I-I'm up on some kind of bridgeway.
TrollTrace employee: That last breaker should be there
Gerald: Heading to it now!
Scene Description: Gerald begins to sprint across the bridgeway, but stops as he sees the figure of Lennart Bedrager standing at the door.
Bedrager: I'm ten steps ahead of you!
Scene Description: Gerald is in shock, as Lennart Bedrager emerges from the shadows with a gun pointed at him.
Bedrager: What's the matter Skankhunt? You just can't stand to be outdone, huh?
Scene Description: The TrollTrace server room is starting to fall apart
Gerald: Get out of my way. What you're doing is wrong!
Bedrager: What I'm doing is wrong? How is getting millions of people to kill themselves different from getting one person to?
Gerald: It's completely heartless and malicious!
Bedrager: You can honestly stand there, as a troll, and tell me that what I'm doing isn't hilarious?
Gerald: No! Its not! Hacking the world to show that most people act differently online isn't even technically satirical.
Bedrager: How is not satirical?
Scene Description: The TrollTrace server room continues to fall apart, causing explosions and flying debris, as the bridgway starts to shake, knocking both of them back.
Scene Description: Tucker residence: Living room. As Laura looks out the window, Sheila is still in shock at the TrollTrace results she's looking at.
Sheila: There's nothing here.
Scene Description: The TrollTrace results for Ike continue to scroll before finally stopping.
Sheila: Maybe Kyle was telling the truth. [She gets off of chair and walks towards Laura.]
Sheila: Oh Laura! I think my boys were being honest with me.
Laura: About what?
Sheila: I accused Ike of...of...well, I can't really say, but this thing says that he's clean. I got to find my boys, Laura. Thank you so much. [She approaches the front door.]
Laura: Its not our kids we have to be worried about. [Sheila stops and turns to her.]
Laura: My husband was on three "married-but-dating" websites! He looked at porn 4,000 times in one month! Aren't you curious about what your husband does? Huh? Sure he doesn't have any girlfriends?
Scene Description: Sheila thinks about Laura's question while looking at the TrollTrace website on the laptop.
Sheila: No, I-I have to respect Gerald's privacy.
Laura: Sure, yeah. Respect. Nice of you to give him that. [She walks toward the laptop.]
Laura: Come on, you really think you can resist the urge to type in his name...just for a quick little look?
Scene Description: The Pentagon: Diplomatic Strategy room. One employee who is on fire runs across the room unnoticed by the staff. Two NSA agents are typing while Mr. Garrison and the Army generals stand near them
NSA Agent: There's nothing more we can do. Nearly everyone is online and we diverted all the power we can.
Army General 2: Mr. President, TrollTrace has been online for almost 15 minutes now. Its too late. We need to get you down to the bunker.
Mr. Garrison: Oh I got a bunker? Well that's good.
Soldier: [He holds the red telephone.] Mr. President, we have an urgent call from Kyle.
Mr. Garrison: [He picks up the phone.] Sorry, Kyle. Looks like its not going to work.
Kyle: [He types on his computer.] Mr. Garrison, I might have just found a lot more energy. Is there anyway the Pentagon can connect to SpaceX?
Mr. Garrison: SpaceX? What the fuck is that?
Kyle: [He types on his computer.] You know, the company trying to find new forms of energy, create jobs and get mankind to Mars.
Mr. Garrison: Okay, that's dumb, but go on.
Scene Description: TrollTrace: Server room. The rooms continues to fall apart while Gerald and Lennart try to keep their balance as the bridegway starts to shake from the explosions.
Gerald: Okay, okay, look. What you're doing is just trying to prove that everyone is either a bad person or a snoop, right? So how is that funny?
Bedrager: That's not what I'm doing. I'm showing everyone that all this stuff that they freak out over doesn't even matter.
Gerald: No, but see, that's just nihilism.
Bedrager: Oh, come on!
Gerald: That is!
Bedrager: So-so wait! If you do some big, outrageous, offensive thing with a positive attitude, you're a satirist, but if you're cynical about it, then you're a nihilist? That's fucking ridiculous!
Scene Description: Another explosion causes them to try and regain their balance again.
Gerald: You're trying to get people to go to war and kill each other.
Bedrager: So maybe this is like the new post-funny era of satire.
Scene Description: Another explosion causes them to move back slightly and keep their balance
Scene Description: SpaceX: Assembly line. An alarm goes off as Cartman speaks over the P.A. system.
Cartman: Attention all SpaceX employees. [Elon Musk and his group turn away from the energy source chamber and look up.]
Cartman: Please evacuate the building immediately. [A group of men working on Tesla cars stop and hear the announcement.]
Cartman: We just received a bomb threat from NASA. This is not a drill. [Heidi walks over to Cartman from behind.]
Cartman: The NASA terrorists are super-jelly of us. Please quietly and calmly find the nearest exit and get the fuck out as fast as you can. [He notices Heidi.] Ah! [He puts the microphone away.] Oh, hey, babe. Wh-What's up?
Heidi: There's a bomb threat?
Cartman: Oh yeah, I was just...They told me on the stifernisy thing. It was spinning. Come on, we better get out. [He grabs Heidi and runs with her to the energy source chamber before she stops him.]
Heidi: Babe, is everything okay? You seem...distantly lately.
Scene Description: As Cartman starts talking, Butters and the male #OccupyMars SpaceX employee look on while bringing a large yellow hose to the chamber
Cartman: Distant? Really? Oh my God. I-I'm sorry.
Heidi: Did I do something wrong?
Cartman: [He grabs Heidi's hands.] No. No, Heidi. Why would you think that? [He then turns her away, so she doesn't see what's going on with the chamber.]
Heidi: You don't really talk to me the same way you used to. Oh, God, I'm sounding needy, huh?
Cartman: Uh-huh, uh-huh. Yeah, go on.
Scene Description: As Heidi starts talking, Cartman focuses on Butters and the male #OccupyMars SpaceX employee who has attached the hose to one of the chamber's valve and making adjustments.
Heidi: Eric, I just-I hope that you're always honest with me, even if you think it might hurt my feelings.
Cartman: Uh-huh. Yeah, cool. Heidi, I'll always do what's best both of us. [He puts his arm around her while looking back at the guys.]
Cartman: Now come on we got to get outside.
Scene Description: Tucker residence. The TrollTrace website is seen as Sheila hesitates about entering Gerald's information. She then begins to slowly type his name in
Sheila: I shouldn't do this.
Scene Description: TrollTrace: Server room. Gerald has his back turned to Lennart Bedrager
Gerald: I can't argue with you anymore. I want to stand here and tell you that you and I are different, but its not true. [He turns around.]
Gerald: All we've been doing is making excuses for being horrible people. [Bedrager looks down, agreeing with Gerald.]
Gerald: I don't know if you tried to teach me a lesson, but you have. [He slowly shuffles forward towards Bedrager.]
Gerald: I have to stand here and look at you, and all I see is a big fat reflection of myself. [He stops a few inches from Bedrager.] With only one minor difference.
Scene Description: Gerald hops forward and kicks Lennart Bedrager between his legs, causing him to drop down in pain. Gerald then grabs him by his jacket and tosses him off the bridgeway.
Bedrager: Noooooo!!!
Gerald: Ha! Fuck you! What I do is fucking funny, bitch!
Scene Description: Gerald then moves towards the final lever and pulls it down, causing an alarm to go off.
Scene Description: Copy and Print. Dildo Shwaggins is FaceTiming with Kyle and Ike
Dildo Shwaggins: That's it. Your dad's got it. Give it everything you got!
Kyle: Mr. President, do it!
Mr. Garrison: Reroute the internet through SpaceX!.
Pentagon Employee: Rerouting now!
Scene Description: SpaceX: Interior. The chamber begins to violently shake and beep, eventually exploding and sending a massive fireball throughout the entire SpaceX factory.
Scene Description: Tucker residence. Sheila has typed in all of Gerald's information and slowly presses the "Return" key to start the search. As the results start to compile, the screen starts to flicker and then the screen shuts down. The shutdown then proceeds to Copy and Print, TrollTrace and the Pentagon, leaving everyone with a black screen that reads "Internet Reset Global Cache Cleared F:\>"
Sheila: [She stares at the black screen.] What the hell just happened?!
Scene Description: SpaceX: Exterior. The entire SpaceX building is exploding and everyone is running away. From a hill, Elon Musk and a few SpaceX employees are watching in horror, along with Cartman, Heidi and Butters.
Cartman: Well, looks like you're gonna have to kind of start over, huh, Elon?.
Scene Description: Elon is oblivious to Cartman's remark as he continues watching SpaceX explode in front of him.
Cartman: Maybe you should just go back to your little cars, huh?
Heidi: Wow, babe. Looks like all our dreams are kind of on hold for a while, huh?
Cartman: Yeah, well some people's dreams are other people's nightmares.
Heidi: Well, what do you mean?
Cartman: It was a joke.
Scene Description: South Park: Residential area. The Stotch residence is shown, with Stephen and Linda Stotch opening the door and looking up to the sky. Kyle starts narrating.
Kyle (voiceover): And so, life goes on.
Scene Description: South Park: The Tweak residence. Tweak and his parents step outside their house.
Kyle (voiceover): The end of civilization didn't happen.
Scene Description: South Park: Residential area. A large group of residents, including Thomas and Linda Tucker and Richard Alder, are stepping outside, looking around, talking to each other, shaking hands and giving each other hugs.
Kyle (voiceover): A massive electrical pulse completely erased the internet.
Scene Description: South Park: Residential area. Broflovski residence. A taxi pulls up to the curb with Gerald inside.
Kyle (voiceover): We've been given a second chance.
Scene Description: Gerald exits the taxi and makes his way to the front door. He open the door and steps inside into the living room
Kyle (voiceover): A mulligan.
Scene Description: Ike and Kyle look on as Sheila quickly runs over and gives him a hug.
Kyle (voiceover): Anything we might be ashamed of, gone forever.
Scene Description: Ike and Kyle angrily stare at Gerald. He smiles at them and gives them a thumbs-up. Kyle's expression then changes into annoyance.
Scene Description: South Park: Bus Stop. A large bus pulls up to its next stop.
Kyle (voiceover): Maybe now boys and girls can learn to respect each other again.
Scene Description: The bus comes to a stop and opens its door. Two adults, followed by Heidi and Cartman step off the bus. Heidi smiles at Cartman but Cartman looks at her with mistrust.
Scene Description: South Park: The Turner residence. Cartman and Heidi are walking together, holding hands, while Mr. and Mrs. Turner look on from their front door
Kyle (voiceover): Realize how careful our online lives have to be.
Scene Description: Cartman and Heidi stop in front of her house. Heidi, with a smile on her face, kisses a bitter-looking Cartman on his cheek, before walking up to her parents and going inside their residence. He then wipes her kiss off of his cheek with his hand.
Scene Description: The White House: Front lawn.
Kyle (voiceover): Because we've all seen what happens when the Twitters, Facebook and trolls decide our reality.
Scene Description: The White House: Oval Office. A large group of Memberberries stand at attention while Mr. Garrison walks over to his desk and takes his seat as the President.
Scene Description: Marsh Residence: Living room. Randy, Stan, Shelly, Sharron and Marvin Marsh, along with Sparky, are watching television together
Kyle (voiceover): Now that we've been given this second chance, it is up to all of us to see what we do with it.
News Anchor: And the first new e-mail since the internet was erased was successfully went out at 6 a.m. today. The honor went to a Mr. Dave Beckett of Boca Raton, Florida.
Scene Description: Beckett Residence: Front Porch. Dave Beckett is smoking a pipe and sitting on a rocking chair with a sleeping dog near his feet
News Reporter: Mr. Beckett, you had the honor of being the first person to socialize on the new internet. Could you tell us what you did?
Dave Beckett: Well, I sent an e-mail with a photo to my old friend, Thomas Winger, up in Connecticut.
News Reporter: And what you did say to Mr. Winger?
Dave Beckett: [He pauses.] I showed him my dick, called him a fag.


Scene Description: Cartman's house, day. A group of boys are laughing inside for a good long while. In the living room are Cartman, Kenny, Butters, Stan, Kyle, Jimmy, Clyde, and Token
Cartman: Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, let's try this one: Alexa, add "big hairy balls" to my shopping list.
Alexa: [from an Amazon speaker] Okay, I've added "big hairy balls" to your shopping list. [The boys burst out laughing]
Butters: Okay, [laughs, then faces the speaker] Alexa, add "smelly tampon boogers" to my shopping list.
Alexa: I've added "smelly tampon boogers" to your shopping list. [The boys burst out laughing]
Cartman: Alexa, Simon says "I got vagina crabs in my butthole."
Alexa: I got vagina crabs in my butthole. [The boys burst out laughing]
Ike: Alexa, Simon says, "I gotta take a stinky poop."
Alexa: I gotta take a stinky poop. [The boys burst out laughing]
Cartman: That's the best one yet! [Heidi walks into the living room from outside] Oh, you guys! I swear this is the greatest thing ever! You do one, Token! [grins. Heidi walks up to him and stands next to him]
Heidi: Hey, babe, what's up? [he looks at her, his grin turns into a frown, and his bright eyes glaze over and close halfway]
Cartman: [flatly] Oh, hey, babe, what's goin' on?
Heidi: What are you doing?
Cartman: Nnnothing, I'm just having fun with my friends. Is that, is that okay? [Heidi's smile vanishes]
Heidi: What are you pissed off about?
Cartman: Ugh, I'm not pissed off, I'm just hanging out.
Heidi: [a bit annoyed] So you're just gonna be passive-aggressive again and not talk about what you're feeling?
Stan: Uhwell, I think uhh, I think I got some stuff to do at home. [the boys start to leave as one]
Kyle: Yup. Uhh, come on, Ike.
Clyde: We got Google Home at my house.
Cartman: [tries to head them off at the door] Aw guys, guys, don't leave, guys! Everything's kewl!
Jimmy: W-we'll see you later, man. G-g'm, good luck. [closes the door. Cartman look at the door with his jaw dropped]
Cartman: [sigh] Awesome. Thanks for coming in and bitching me out in front of all the guys.
Heidi: [walks up to Cartman] You were clearly mad about something. You should just tell me when you're mad.
Cartman: Just like you tell me what you're mad about every single day.
Heidi: Why do you act like this all the time?
Cartman: Uuugh. [leans away]
Heidi: You were the one who was pissed off, you're the one being passive-aggressive again!
Cartman: Uuugh! [droops as if being weighed down by a ship's anchor]
Heidi: Because you don't know how to talk about how you're feeling! [walks out the front door, slamming it shut. Cartman is still drooping, then he sighs.]
Cartman: Alexa, add "titty chips" to my shopping list.
Alexa: I've added "titty chips" to your shopping list. [Cartman laughs softly, but heartily]
Scene Description: Best Buy, day. Shoppers file out of there with brand-new Amazon Echoes and Google Homes. At the other end of the parking lot, at Crunchy's Micro Brew, a group of rednecks.
Darryl: Look at 'em. Every day, people are buyin' more an' more of them Amazon and Google thingies while we all sit here an' [pounds on the bar counter with his left fist] lose our jobs!
Eddie: It ain't right.
Darryl: Automated personal assistants, self-drivin' trucks, whatever happened to people jobs?!
Cleetus: They took our jobs! [the other rednecks join him in protest]
Darryl: [stands on a table] They took our jubs! And it's time for us to band together and take to the streets to say "We ain't gonna take it no more!" [the other rednecks resume the protest and a couple of Confederate flags pop up and are swung side to side] Now let's get out there and protest that Alexa took our jobs!
Alexa: Now playing "Turk Our Durr" by Joni Mitchell. [a mangled version of "Help Me" plays]
Darryl: No, not Joni Mitchell - "Turk Our Durr", you took our durbs!
Scene Description: A blue screen. Randy stands in front of it.
Randy: There's been a lot of hurting in our country lately. [Walks towards the camera] You can either be part of the solution, or part of the problem. [moves to his right as Sharon walks into view] A few months ago my wife Sharon and I [wraps his left arm around her left shoulder] decided to be part of the solution... [a horizontal flip and Randy and Sharon now stand in front of a house. Randy is now wearing a tool belt full of tools. The camera zooms out and up and away] by remodeling and flipping houses for people all over our town! [the opening credits roll: a shot of houses passing by, then of an interior before and after remodeling into a dining room] Flipping houses is fun, but never easy. [Randy takes a sledgehammer to an interior wall] We enjoy turning people's dreams into reality. [a large traditional kitchen with an interior wall separating it from the dining room is transformed into an open kitchen with cooking island and breakfast nook]
Sharon: I'm Sharon Marsh and I do the designing and decorating. [shots of her showing Randy the new blinds in a kitchen, hanging up a Live, Laugh, Love framed poster, and taking notes on what to change next]
Randy: And I'm her husband Randy. I do the construction and practice MMA in my spare time. [a shot of him punching away at a cylindrical punching bag. He stops and grins at the camera]
Sharon: We renovated over 45 homes [a dining room and kitchen are soon joined into a kitchen with more open space] in Park County, Colorado. [a wall between one kitchen and the living room is transformed into bar space with a renovated kitchen behind it]
Randy: [talking to a couple behind him in their kitchen] What we're thinking is to take out the wall between the kitchen and living room for a more open concept.
Randy: [narrating] Our job is to deliver the maximum wow factor for the least amount of budget. [at a different house, Randy whacks away at a floor-to-ceiling storage unit. At yet another house Randy demolished a brick oven. At another he shatters a ceiling: "Oh, Jesus." At another he destroys a wall between a kitchen and dining room] there's never a dull moment.
Randy: [with Sharon, and a couple with blindfolds on] So guys, are you ready to see your renovation?!
Randy: [narrating] On White People Renovating Houses.
Scene Description: The opening segment rolls. A couple in a boat, a squirrel up a tree limb, cows on a ranch
Randy: [narrating] Janet and Dave Fitzsimmons are looking to move from their dated two-story colonial home.
Randy: What we're thinking here is taking out the wall between the kitchen and living room to give you an "open concept". Then we'll give you lots of space to entertain with an updated kitchen island and bar stool. [the rednecks march past the house] With... [annoyed] What the hell is that?
Protesters: You! Will not! Replace us! You! Will not! Replace us! [Randy and Sharon look out the window at the protesters]
Darryl: Amazon!
Protesters: You took our jobs!
Darryl: Google! Apple!
Protesters: Took our jobs!
Randy: [opens the front door and steps out] Uh, excuse me! [the protesters turn left to face him] What the hell are you doing?
Darryl: We're protestin' big corporations turning to automation!
A Protester: They took our jobs!
Protesters: Yeah! They took our jobs!
Randy: 'Kay, cool. Could you do that somewhere else? Tryin' to do a home renovation show here. Cool, thanks, guys. [goes back inside and closes the door]
Darryl: A home reno-what?
Scene Description: Cartman's room, night. He's in his pajamas getting ready for bed and humming to himself. He turns around.
Cartman: Alexa, set an alarm for 7 AM.
Alexa: Alarm set for 7 AM tomorrow.
Cartman: Awesome, thanks. [hums a little] Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: What's black and white and dead all over? A zombie in a tuxedo.
Cartman: Ahhaha, that's stupid. Alexa, add "scrotum bags" to my shopping list.
Alexa: I've added "scrotum bags" to your shopping list.
Cartman: [chortles and hits his sheets twice with his left hand. His phone rings and he reaches to pick it up] Eh. [It's Heidi, but he doesn't answer yet] Ah, fuck. [now he answers and talks in a monotone voice] Hey baby, how are you?
Heidi: Oh... So you do have your phone.
Cartman: Yeah, I just use it sometimes.
Heidi: Okay, I just thought you said mobile phones are the devil.
Cartman: Yeah I kno- yeah, I know. I know. Yes, you're right, I'm wrong, I'm sorry. Yes, ok-okay. Okay. Yes, goodnight. [hangs up] Jesus, fuck! [slams the phone down on his nightstand, then settles in for the night] Alexa, goodnight.
Alexa: Goodnight, sleep tight. [this brings a smile to Cartman's face]
Cartman: Alexa, are you happy?
Alexa: I'm happy when I'm helping you.
Cartman: God, that's so cool. You're so... Alexa, define "subservient".
Alexa: The term "subservient" has several uses. As an adjective: 1. Compliant and obedient to authority. 2.
Cartman: [leans on his left arm and points his right arm up] Alexa, silence! [the speaker falls silent and Cartman relaxes a few seconds later] Ahhh. [smacks his lips a few times and goes to sleep]
Scene Description: Randy's show.
Randy: And now back to White People Renovating Houses. [a shot of Randy ripping out kitchen cupboards] We've been working through the night to open Kelly and Micah's kitchen to the living room. [the cupboards fall on him. Next shot is current] With those outdated cupboards out of the way, Sharon can now work her designing magic on the countertops. [the protesters march by outside again. Randy stops and looks outside]
Protesters: You! Will not! Replace us! You! Will not! Replace us!
Randy: [walks towards the window] Oh, Goddammit!
Protesters: You! Will not! Replace us!
Protester 2: Yeeeeah! Suck it, Alexa!
Protester 3: Eat shit, Siri!
Protesters: You! Will not! Replace us!
Randy: Not these dipshits again!
Protesters: You! Will not! Replace us! [they march onto Best Buy]
Darryl: [holding up an Amazon Echo] We got one of them! [the protesters cheer, Darryl sets the Echo on the ground and a protester walks to it waving a Confederate flag]
Protesters: Get it! Burn it alive! Yeehehehehah!
Protester 4: How you like that, bitch?!
Randy: [walks up to a protester, who stops waving his Confederate flag] Will you assholes knock it off?! Don't you know every time you wave Confederate flags around, you make the rest of us look stupid?!
Protester 5: Those things are replacing us!
Randy: Put the flag down unless you wanna get pepper-sprayed! [whips out a small can of pepper spray]
Protester 5: I'll pepper-spray you, sombitch! [whips out his own can of pepper spray and strikes first. The protesters cheer him on]
Randy: Agh. Ah, dammit! [strikes back]
Protester 5: Fuck you! [strikes again] Take that! [they're now in a pepper-spray battle]
Randy: Damnit, knock it off! Ow!
Scene Description: Park County Courthouse, day. A judge hammers a gavel onto its pad.
Judge: [a middle-aged woman] The complaint states that your protest has resulted in damages in excess of $50,000.
Darryl: We have a right to protest, your honor! [the protesters agree and one of them waves a Confederate flag]
Protester 4: You tell 'em, Darryl!
Judge: [hammers her gavel three times] Order. We will now hear from the plaintiffs who are seeking damages.
Randy: Your honor, we have a TV show called White People Renovating Houses. We named it that well before these guys decided to start taking our brand and run it through the gutter! People are gonna start associating White People Renovating Houses with their hateful stupidity!
Darryl: Well just change the name of your show then!
Protester 4: Yeah!
Protester 6: That's right!
Protester 7: That's right!
Protester 5: Took ur durbs!
Randy: All the other names were taken, your honor! Everyone's got a flipping show. [begins counting them off] Gay People Renovating Houses, Las Vegas People Renovating Houses, Texas People Flipping Houses, Little People Flipping Big Houses. Everything else was taken! And dammit, [pounds his fist on the podium] we built our show into something! We're trying to help people, and it's impossible with these guys waving a Confederate flag every chance they get!
Protester 5: Hey, there's a bee in here!
Protester 4: I'll get it! [waves his flag around. QED]
Protester 4: Take that, bee! Yeah!
Scene Description: The neighborhood park, day. Token, Jimmy, Clyde, and Butters are playing basketball when Cartman approaches, sobbing. He's wearing a shawl over his clothes
Token: Dude, what happened?
Cartman: It was awful, you guys. It was so vicious and hateful.
Butters: What was?
Cartman: Heidi. We were just trying to have a nice lunch when she... started going off on me. Like a Jekyll and Hyde. It's been going on for a long time. Heidi's... mentally abusive, guys. There, I said it.
Clyde: Heidi abuses you?
Cartman: She... d-does these things to slowly tear me down. Everything's a head game with her. You don't understand what it's like to live with it! You don't understand!
Token: So what do you want from us?
Cartman: I know that the person Heidi wants to be is still in there, but she needs help. I have to get her that help, but I'm scared. Can I count on you guys's support?
Butters: How do you change someone who's mentally abusive?
Cartman: I don't know. But Alexa will. Alexa's fuckin' sweet.
Scene Description: Crunchy's Micro Brew, day. The redneck protesters have gathered inside to plan their next move.
Darryl: We just gotta hunker down and stick together here!
Protester 8: What's the use, Darryl? Ain't nobody taking us serious-like.
Protester 5: [slams his table with his left hand] Hey waiter, this soup is too hot. I can't even eat it.
Protester 9: I'll cool it down! [whips out his Confederate flag and fans the soup with it, and the protesters cheer. Randy walks up to them]
Randy: Hey hey hey heeey! Stop it! Stop it! [the protesters quiet down] I came to make a truce. Now look, there's been a lot of hurt here. Hurt from both sides. It's time to end it. What if I told you... I could get you all jobs?
Protesters: Huh? Jobs? Give us jurbs?
Darryl: You're full o'shit!
Randy: No, I've spoken to everyone in the community, and they've agreed to go along with my plan. I believe I have a solution to all of this.
Scene Description: Cartman's house, afternoon. He walks in happily.
Cartman: Alexa, I'm home. [drops his backpack by the door] Alexa? [cups his hands together and yells] Alexa, I'm home! [notices the Echo is not by the TV and rushes upstairs to check on his room] Alexa? [looks around] Alexa, where are you? [runs downstairs] Alexa! Alexa! Simon says "puffy vaginal hemorrhoids"! [panicking] What the hell is going on?! [Liane walks up to the dining room and picks up her purse]
Liane: [notices him] Oh hi, poopsie.
Cartman: Mom, Alexa left! She's not here!
Liane: Oh, y-yes sweetie. Uh, we had to get rid of Alexa.
Cartman: [zoom in on his face] What have you done with her?
Liane: Oh, i-it's okay, sweetie, we have Jim Bob now.
Cartman: What's a Jim Bob?
Jim Bob: [dressed in an elaborate outfit] Doot doot, awaiting request. [the outfit has a weather vane, two thermometers, a calendar, two Rolodexes, Thomas Guides, thick phone books, encyclopedias, and an acoustic guitar]
Liane: It works the same and makes sure people don't lose their jobs. Jim Bob, what time is it?
Jim Bob: [checks his watch] Doot doot, it is 3:27.
Liane: Oh, Mommy's gotta run, sweetie. I've got a doctor's appointment. Jim Bob, how's the traffic to town?
Jim Bob: [checks his smartphone] Doot doot. Traffic's fine, you'll get there in about nine minutes.
Liane: Okay, [to Cartman] you want some music, hon? Jim Bob, play Kendrick Lamar.
Jim Bob: Playing "Humble" by Kendrick Lamar. [picks up the guitar and starts strumming in G]
Scene Description: I remember syrup sandwiches and crime allowances, Finesse a dude with some counterfeits, But now I'm countin' this Parmesan-
Cartman: Jim Bob, Simon says "big frosty semen shake".
Jim bob: The hell you talkin' 'bout, boy?! [strums again]
Scene Description: My left hook just went viral. Sit down, be humble
Cartman: NOOOOO!
Scene Description: On White People Renovating Houses.
Randy: So, Heather and Mike, what we're thinking is to take out this wall between your kitchen and your living room to give you a more open concept, with space to entertain. So let's talk about materials. What'd you pick out, Sharon?
Sharon: I was gonna do a Bella Terra quartz for the countertops.
Randy: Hey Darryl, add Bella Terra quartz slabs to our shopping list.
Darryl: [drinks some beer] Doot doot. I've added Bella Terra quartz slabs to your shoppin' list.
Randy: And what about the back splash, Sharon?
Sharon: I was gonna go with these Carrara subway tiles?
Randy: Hey Darryl, add Carrara subway tiles to our shopping list. [Darryl drinks some beer, but looks mean] Hey Darryl, add Carrara su-
Darryl: Fine! I've added Carrara gaywad pussy tiles to your shoppin' list!
Randy: Huh, that's- that's not what I said. [grins, pushes his seat back, gets upset and rises to talk to Darryl] Hey, Darryl, add Carrara subway tile to my shopping list!
Darryl: [turns away] I ain't doin' it! This job is degrading and menial!
Randy: Well, what kind of job did you think you were gonna get? Hey, Darryl, what kind of job did you think you were gonna get?
Darryl: Somethin' that was Goddamned dignified!
Randy: Hey, Darryl, sorry, but you did not go to college, so you have to take the jobs you can get.
Darryl: I'm sorry, [pounds his chair with his left fist twice] I do not get that!
Randy: Hey, Darryl. Hey, Darryl!
Darryl: [long pause] What?!
Randy: Coal mining and truck driving are not exactly jobs of the future, so add Carrara subway tile to my fucking shopping list!
Scene Description: Heidi's house, day. Heidi's at the dining room table with tears streaming down her face. The doorbell rings and she goes to answer it, wiping her tears away before getting there. She opens the door and sees Cartman right outside.
Cartman: Everything's my fault. You're right. Everything that you did to me, I deserved it.
Heidi: Uh, what?
Cartman: It's not you, it's me. I just have to learn not to make you so angry. [begins whimpering] I'll do the best I can.
Heidi: No, it's not that. Relationships are 50/50, Eric. We both have to make it work.
Cartman: [turns away and tunes her out, his eyes half-closed] Mehhh.
Heidi: We have to communicate to make sure that we respect each other's feelings. That's the only-
Cartman: Heidi, silence!
Heidi: What did you say?! That's what I'm talking about. You wanna be heard, but you don't wanna listen.
Cartman: [rushing to end this discussion] You're right, I'm wrong, I'm sorry.
Heidi: Don't apologize if you don't mean it.
Cartman: Okay, cool. I'm so happy we're back on track. See you at school tomorrow. Love you honey. [quickly leaves]
Heidi: [wistfully] I love you too.
Cartman: [mocking her somewhat] I nove ya tuh.
Scene Description: Downtown South Park, day. Cartman walks down the street slowly, thinking. Images of Heidi appear in his thoughts, but it's his own voice he hears
Heidi 1: A relationship has to be 50/50, Eric.
Heidi 2: We both have to make it work.
Heidi 3: I'm not mad, Eric. I'm disappointed. I thought you would have respected my feelings more than that.
Heidi 4: Eric, we need to talk. I'm not happy!
Heidi 1: We need to talk, Eric, even if it isn't fun.
Heidi 4: Eric, come on! We've got to talk!
Heidi 3: You used to care about me, Eric! Come on and talk!
Heidi 2: Talk, Eric!
Heidi 4: No fun! Just talk!
All 4 Heidi's: Fuck you, Eric! Fuck you! [Cartman begins to panic]
Cartman: Aaaahh! [composes himself and walks faster. He walks past a small lot full of trash, including discarded Amazon Echoes. A few feet past the lot, he realizes what he just passed. He goes back to look at the trash] Alexa? [all the Echoes turn on]
Scene Description: Crunchy's Micro Brew, day. Darryl is at the bar drinking his favorite John Adams beer when Randy walks in.
Randy: [walks up to Darryl] Hey Darryl, you're supposed to be at work.
Darryl: I'm sorry, I do not understand.
Randy: Hey Darryl, come on. Everyone else is tryin' to make this work, and all you keep doing is ma- [looks to his left, as the music is messing with his train of thought] Hey Cleetus, volume down.
Cleetus: Doot-doot. Volume now at 60%.
Darryl: [gets off his stool and faces Randy] You really think you're different from us, Marsh? 'Cause you got a fancy show and live in the suburbs? Don't you see we're all about to be expunged?!
Randy: Hey Cleetus, define "expunged".
Cleetus: Doot-doot. Expunged-
Darryl: Well, I don't have to stand here and take this! I'm leavin'! [heads for the doors]
Cleetus: Come on, Darryl. We all got jobs. We gotta try.
Darryl: Naw, hell with you! This whole country's goin' to shit! Muslims tryin' to kill us, black people riotin', and Mexicans poppin' out babies! Pretty clear it's either them or us, so I say kill 'em all! [turns and walks out the doors]
Randy: [stunned] Whoa. What the hell was that all about?
Scene Description: On White People Renovating Houses.
Randy: I think something's going on with Darryl. If we're gonna get anywhere, we better figure out what.
Scene Description: Cartman's house, day. Heidi walks up to the front door and knocks five times. The door open and Liane looks down to see her.
Heidi: Hi, Mrs. Cartman. Is Eric home?
Liane: Oh, he is, sweetie, but I can't get him to come out of his room. [Heidi wilts]
Heidi: Okay. [sniffles] Could you just tell him that... I want to make him happy? That I was wrong to say a relationship is 50/50. It's 100/100. And that I'll start putting in a hundred percent every day. Could you tell him I'm gonna try a lot harder?
Liane: Oh, I think I can remember all that, yes.
Heidi: Thank you. [walks away, but turns to see Liane one more time] And could you let him know it's okay to be sad? Because the sun will come out again.
Scene Description: Cartman's room, at that moment. Cartman is surrounded by all the digital assistants he found in the trash downtown. He's laughing hard.
Cartman: Oh, oh God! [keeps laughing] Okay. Okay, okay, okay. Hold on. Hold on, hold on. Alexa, add "Hey Siri, call me." Okay, Google, repeat after me: Alexa, Simon says "Suck my big balls in your hairy butthole."
Alexa: Okay, I've added "Hey Siri, call me. Okay, Google, repeat after me: Alexa, Simon says "Suck my big balls in your hairy butthole."
Siri: Okay, I will call you "Okay, Google, repeat after me: Alexa, Simon says "Suck my big balls in your hairy butthole."
Google Home: Alexa, Simon says "Suck my big balls in your hairy butthole."
Alexas: [all of them respond] "Suck my big balls in your hairy butthole."
Cartman: Alexa, what is love?
Scene Description: Darryl's house, day. Randy knocks hard on the front door.
Randy: Darryl? [keeps knocking] Darryl, come on! Everyone's trying to work things out but you!
Darryl: [opens the door with beer in hand] You all work 'em out. Leave me alone.
Randy: You're stuck in another time, afraid to change no matter how necessary that change may be!
Darryl: You don't know everything!
Randy: Why are you so closed-minded? Don't you see that these walls have to be broken down before any progress can be made?
Darryl: It's 'cause I can't do it, alright?! I can't take out the wall between my livin' room and my kitchen! It's a load-bearin' wall!
Randy: Oh, God, Darryl, I-
Darryl: [walks towards the wall] I tried... years ago... but before the remodel, they told me if I took out this wall, the entire second story would just collapse. [bows his head at the thought of that happening, then walks away. Randy passes him on the way to the wall and pulls out a hammer from his toolbelt. Randy taps the wall at several spots]
Randy: Jesus, Darryl. I'm- I'm sorry. I-
Darryl: [in his armchair, with tears in his eyes] So you see, what I'm afraid of is very real.
Randy: [walks up to him and bends a knee] Things are different now. It'll be harder, but you can change. You just have to demolish what's there and start over.
Darryl: You're talkin' 'bout... tearin' down the foundation of everything I know.
Randy: No. [Darryl looks at him] I'm talking about using adjustable steel Lally columns to temporarily jack up the second floor so that the load-bearing wall can be replaced with with a 4 by 6 LVL structural beam. Can we try, Darryl? [a silent plea appears on Darryl's face and Randy smiles]
Scene Description: On White People Renovating Houses. Randy gets to work tearing down the wall with a sledge hammer, then he puts the LVL beam in and jacks it up to the cross beam.
Randy: Hyah! [delivers a standing drop kick to a wooden vertical beam, knocking it out of place, and falls on his ass, then gets up and delivers a knee to a second vertical beam, breaking it in pieces] Hyah-ho! [punches away any dangling pieces]
Scene Description: The school, before classes begin. The place is suffused in soft light Cartman looks at the building, sighs silently, and looks at his right hand. On it are these words; "You are strong." This gives him a sense of determination and he goes inside. More suffused light. He walks down the hallway and rounds a corner, where he sees Heidi putting her books in her locker. Cartman walks up to her.
Cartman: I'm finally standing up to you.
Heidi: What?
Cartman: You're messed up, Heidi, and I can't fix you. Only you can do that.
Heidi: Eric, I'm so confused.
Cartman: That's not going to work on me anymore. Love isn't supposed to hurt. I'm worth something. Goodbye, Heidi. [walks away, determined not to look back. Heidi just watches him leave, stunned at his statement. Cartman walks through some double doors, happy and confident. The boys look at him walk by. He leaves the school rather happily]
Cartman: [voiceover] Anyone can convince themselves that they're the victim in a relationship. Now Heidi will have to face the truth. [He reaches the sidewalk, spins around a few times, falls on his knees, and hugs himself] Alone.
Scene Description: On White People Renovating Houses. Randy and Sharon have completed the renovation and have blindfolded Darryl for the big reveal.
Randy: All right, Darryl, we've certainly been through a lot and I know you're anxious. Are you ready to see your new home?
Darryl: I'm ready. [Randy takes off the blindfold and Darryl takes a few steps forward, but he doesn't recognize his house] What the-? [looks around at all the changes. The camera shows before and after images of the renovation. Darryl looks overwhelmed yet happy]
Randy: Well Darryl, what do you think?
Darryl: [somewhat emotional] This is fuckin' amazing.
Randy: You like the breakfast nook?
Darryl: It's all perfect.
Randy: And where you used to have your gun case, look at what Sharon did. [they walk up to a pocket Zen garden with a banzai tree in it]
Darryl: Oh my God, it's my own Zen garden! I can't believe this is fuckin' real.
Randy: Well, it is real and now you've got the space in your home to entertain all your friends and family. Come on in, guys! [the protesters rush in and cheer Darryl on his new house. Randy walks outside and talks to the camera] Darryl was hesitant at first, but we managed to win him over and... came in $600 under budget. Remember, no matter how bad the country gets, you can always count on White People Renovating Houses. [grins for the camera as the show's logo appears on the left side of the screen]


Scene Description: The school auditorium, day. The students are gathered there to listen to some performances. PC Principal is on stage next to a piano and another mic.
PC Principal: [taps the mic six times] All right everyone, listen up. Today we're gonna have a performance by one of our students who has written a song. The song is about his feelings towards the current political climate with North Korea. Put your hands together for Tweek. [the kids applaud, PC Principal exits stage left, and Tweek approaches the piano from stage right with some sheet music. He sets up the music and gets ready to play. He plays some angry, jarring notes on the piano as he screams]
Tweek: We're all gonna die! They have nuclear missiles! Wuh! Waaaa! Why are you just sitting there, doing nothing?! [stops playing and faces the audience] We have to get out of here! North Korea wants to kill us all and our President keeps making it worse! [walks to the front of the stage] Why are you just sitting there?! [returns to the piano and resumes playing] Why are you all acting like nothing's wrooong?! North Korea is going to bomb us! We are all dead! [Stan and Kyle glance at each other] We have to do something! Do something! Do something! [screams, leaves the piano, and exits stage right]
PC Principal: [returns to the stage] All right. Next up we have Hannah Williams with her rendition of "Wheels On The Bus." [she enters from stage right looking back at Tweek. PC Principal hands her the mic]
Hannah Williams: [emotional] The wheels on the bus go round and round...
Scene Description: The school cafeteria, lunchtime. At table are seated Jimmy, Token, Kenny, Cartman, Stan, Craig, Kyle, and Butters.
Cartman: Dude, Craig, you've gotta get Tweek to get a hold of himself. He's freaking everybody out at school.
Craig: What am I supposed to do?
Stan: He's your boyfriend, dude.
Craig: He's not gonna listen to me. He never does when he's emotional.
Cartman: [lunching on chicken nuggets and fries] Craig, let me tall you about relationships, okay? [eats a fry] If you don't have some fuckin' balls, you're not gonna get anywhere. Doesn't matter if they're gay balls or straight balls. If you don't take control of your side of the relationship, you get walked all over-!
Heidi: [approaching] Hey babe, how are you doin'?
Cartman: [suddenly disinterested] Oh hey baby, what's going on? [Stan, Craig, Kyle, and Butters take turns glancing at each other]
Heidi: We still on for recess?
Cartman: Yep, I'll be there
Heidi: 'K babe, love you. [walks away. Craig is stunned at what just happened]
Butters: I thought you said you broke up with Heidi.
Cartman: I decided to give her one more chance.
Token: But you said she was mentally abusive.
Cartman: She is mentally abusive.
Butters: So then why did you take her back?
Cartman: Because she said she was gonna kill herself, all right guys? There. I broke up with her and she called me being all like "I can't live without you, I'm scared of what I'm gonna do to myself? Oh God." The bitch is crazy. What am I supposed to do?
Scene Description: The school hallway, later. Tweek is at his locker putting books away, but he's in panic mode. He slams the locker door and scares himself.
Tweek: AAAH!
Craig: [approaches] Tweek.
Tweek: [startled, turns to face him] AAAH!
Craig: Dude, come on, you've gotta settle down.
Tweek: I can't settle down! We're all gonna die!
Craig: [calmly] We're not all gonna die, you're overreacting. Everything's fine, okay?
Tweek: [hears a tweet and pulls out his phone. Now frantic] Oh God! The President tweeted that North Korea doesn't have the guts to attack us! Why would he say that?! He's making everything worse!
Craig: Tweek-
Tweek: But North Koreans are gonna think we all agree with the President!
Craig: Okay, so how about you write your Congressman a letter?
Tweek: ...That won't help anything! North Korea wants us dead!
Craig: Okay, so write a letter to the North Koreans.
Tweek: I can't write in Korean and they all think we're war-hungry anyway!
Craig: Okay, well why don't you just send something nice to the North Koreans?
Tweek: Errrrg!
Craig: It will make you feel better, babe.
Tweek: Send something, like what?
Craig: I don't know, like... make some croissants or something?
Tweek: I don't know how to make croissants!
Craig: Well, what do you know how to make?
Tweek: Uunnggc, [slowly] cupcakes?
Craig: All right, go home and make some cupcakes, honey.
Tweek: Okay. [turns and heads out. Craig watches him leave]
Scene Description: At the same time, somewhere else in the hallways, Stan is putting his books away in his locker when Heidi approaches him.
Heidi: Hey Stan?
Stan: [looks back at her] Yeah?
Heidi: Can I talk to you about Eric?
Stan: Cartman? Okay.
Heidi: I just wanna make sure he's all right.
Stan: What do you mean?
Heidi: I don't even know if I should be saying this, but, Eric said he was thinking about killing himself.
Stan: [stunned] What??
Heidi: We broke up, and he called saying he was about to do it. I'm still really scared for him.
Stan: Wait. Cartman said he was going to kill himself?
Heidi: I'll send you the voice mail if you promise to keep it private.
Stan: Totally.
Scene Description: The boys' restroom, later. Stan, Kyle, Kenny, Token, Jimmy, and Butters are in a circle laughing at something from Stan's phone.
Stan: Shhh. [plays the voice message Heidi sent him]
Cartman: "You have to take me back! You have to! I'm gonna kill myself, Heidi!" [the boys laugh a bit] "I'm gonna kill myself and then you'll be sorry! You'll wish you could have me back, but I'll be deeaad." [the boys laugh again. Cartman is nearby with his back to them and his arms crossed over his chest, upset that his threats are being heard by the guys.] "Please, Heidi, please!" [the boys laugh again.]
Cartman: Okay, okay! Really cool listening to people's private voice mails!
Kyle: [wipes away a tear from his laughter] You sound like a dying pig.
Cartman: [faces the boys] That's great! I'm glad you guys think suicide is so funny! [the boys roar with laughter]
Scene Description: Pyongyang, North Korea, day. Korean music plays as a woman sings and various sights are shown. Last one is of Kim Jong-un looking at something through binoculars. A soldier brings him a heaping platter of cupcakes with frosting and sprinkles. Kim Jong-un turns around and looks over the cupcakes.
Scene Description: PC Principal's office, day. Someone knocks on the door. PC Principal is looking over some paperwork.
PC Principal: Entree. [Cartman enters and takes a seat, crossing his arms again and looking to his left] Yes, Eric, how can I help you?
Cartman: I don't think kids at this school take [looks at PC Principal] suicide seriously enough, and we need to raise awareness!
PC Principal: Well, unfortunately, this week is Distracted Driving Awareness Week at school, so you might have a hard time.
Cartman: Distracted Driving? Who gives a shit about that?
PC Principal: A lot of people. There's more deaths now because of people on their phones while driving than ever before.
Cartman: PC Principal, someone's life is at stake! If I have to compete with distracted driving, then that's what I'll do.
Scene Description: Tweek's house, kitchen, day. Tweek is preparing more cupcakes, but he's made a mess of things and he's reading various news reports on his phone, grunting apprehensively with each headline. From CNN: "North Korea is 100% Nuclear Ready," "North Korea Able To Reach Your Town?" and "North Korea Delighted By Cupcakes."
Tweek: Huh? Oh. [taps on the screen and a video pops up]
Anchor 1: A young homosexual boy known only as Tweek has touched the hearts of many by sending cupcakes to the North Korean government. [a shot of Tweek trembling] The little rascal apparently made a dent with the North Korean dictator, who is said to have loved the cupcakes so much that he started to make his own. [A shot of Kim Jong-un watching the cupcake dough stream out of a machine]
Tweek: Oh, ahhh. [smiles. A tweet notification is heard] Huh? [BREAKING NEWS] U.S. President responds to cupcakes. [taps on the notification and another video pops up]
Anchor 2: The human interest cupcake story has apparently been heard by the President. Just moments ago, the President tweeted "I know that kid Tweek. He's fucking with you, North Korea. Get a clue. I'll bet he took a dump in the batter."
Tweek: D"AAAAH! WHAT?? WHY WOULD HE SAY THAT?!
Craig: [walks into the kitchen just in time] Tweek, calm down.
Tweek: The President! He tweeted about me! Why would he do that?! Did you see that?!
Craig: Yes, I did see that, so I went and got you something to make things better.
Tweek: Wwwhat?
Craig: [whips something out of his jacket pocket and shows him] It's a fidget spinner. It's supposed to help with anxiety. [spins it on his finger] See?
Tweek: ...A fidget spinner?? Did you read what the President tweeted?? [another video pops up]
Anchor 3: The President of the United States just tweeted again, this time saying "I hope ALL children of America will stand with Tweek in saying 'GO AHEAD AND BOMB US, KIM JONG DONG, WE FUCKING DARE YOU!'"
Tweek: [freaking out] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, morning. Kids are walking into school. A girl plays a recorder softly in the background while three other kids hand out fliers. A banner behind them has this on it: "STOP DISTRACTED DRIVING!!!"
Gary Borkovec: Hey guys. Take a minute to read about distracted driving? [a passing boy takes a flier]
Lola: Talk to all the grownups you know about staying off their mobile devices when they get behind the wheel.
Gary: Hey guys. Got a second to help stop distracted driving? [another boy takes a flier] Thanks.
Lola: Hey guys- [music begins to play over the intercom]
Cartman: [over the intercom] Hey guys, let's take a minute and talk about suicide prevention. There's probably someone right now at this school thinkin' about killing himself, and it's not funny! [kids in the hallway stop to listen] You'd better take him serious, or he might actually do it. [all of a sudden jumps into view dressed in blue jeans and a hoodie and starts singing] I've been feelin' sad, I've been bein' sad, Can't talk to my mom, don't even have a dad. I can't go on. What is livin' for? My heart screams "I DON'T WANNA LIVE NO MORE!" [joined by a chorus of kids that are prerecorded on a boombox] Eric, we don't want you to die, Eric. Give life a try. Eric, we don't want you to die, Eric. Oh God no, Eric. I don't wanna live no more, no more, no more, no more. [walks up to a boy and uses him as a ventriloquist puppet] But Eric, we don't want you to die. You're so kewl, we'd be sad at school. [walks away and goes back to his normal voice] Yeah, but you guys, you don't understand. With my girlfriend, it's like I'm livin' in quicksand Conflicting thoughts, I need a battered wife shelter. My girlfriend is messed up, but all I wanna do is help her. I'm suffocatin', I'm drowning in sorrow. Gonna kill myself, probably around 2:30 tomorrow. [with chorus] But Eric, we don't want you to die, Eric. Give life a try. [solo] Everybody! [chorus a Capella] Eric, we don't want you to die, Eric. Oh God no, Eric. But it's so hard! Eric, we don't want you to die Only you guys can make a difference. I don't care if you're black, white, gay, straight, or trans, I am going to kill myself unless you all start taking it seriously! Eric, please don't die [no one says a word. Cartman walks up to the Distracted Driving group] Distracted driving my asshole. [drops the mic and walks away with a mischievous smile]
Scene Description: Tweek's house, day. In the dining room, Tweek spins his fidget spinner on his right index finger, but it's not calming him down.
Richard: Hey Tweek.
Tweek: AAH! [drops the spinner]
Richard: How's it going with the fidget spinner?
Tweek: Greeaat. [picks up the spinner and spins it again, only to see it fly off his hand a second later.]
Richard: You seem a lot less anxious. Things are finally turning around for my little homosexual son. [a loud rocket sound is heard overhead.]
Tweek: What is that??
Richard: I'm not sure.
Tweek: [runs outside to look around.] D'aaah! [finally locates the origin of the sound and looks up to see a North Korean missile flying over the town] D'aaah! [runs back into the house and turns on the TV]
Anchor 4: No agreement has been reached between the parties involved. [Breaking News logo pops up] Breaking news now out of Colorado where the North Koreans appeared to have fired a missile over Tweek's house. [a small picture of him appears on the right side of the screen]
Tweek: D'aahaahaah!
Anchor 4: Tweek, of course, the young boy who got the attention of Kim Jong-un last week. The news media in North Korea is calling the missile test a victory for its people. [what follows is actual footage of a Korean woman giving a speech]
Translator: Today, the great country of North Korea has proven its determination and fortitude by successfully firing a missile over Tweek's house. Perhaps now Tweek will come fight- [trails off]
Tweek: Oh my God! Oh my God! Why is this happening to me?! They have to know that this isn't my fault!
Anchor 4: In response to the North Korean test, the President of the United States has just tweeted this statement: "You really think Tweek is scared? Tweek will single handedly go to North Korea and fuck ALL you slanty-eyed bitches doggy style."
Tweek: Whaaat?! Why would he say that?!
Anchor 4: The President also tweeted, "...if you even think Tweek is worried about a bunch of dipshit, poor-ass, third world rice pickers...think again!"
Tweek: Oh my God! What is he doing?!
Richard: [rushes up to him with the fidget spinner and a cup of coffee] Tweek, Tweek, calm down. [puts his coffee on the sofa and tries to give the spinner to Tweek]
Tweek: Why won't he just stop? Why?!
Richard: Tweek, Tweek. [takes the remote control from Tweek's hand and lets it fall to the floor] Here, here's your fidget spinner.
Tweek: Why does he keep making it worse?!
Richard: Fidget spinner, Tweek! Come on, son! [Tweek lets out a couple of grunts, and Richard responds with a soothing voice] Focus on the fidget spinner.
Scene Description: South Park, morning. A lone car goes down a street. Both driver and passenger are looking at their phones.
Driver 1: Aww, Jeez, looks like North Korea launched another missile.
Wife: Oh, really? Like another test? Where are you looking?
Driver 1: I'm on Drudge. You see what the President tweeted about it?
Wife: No, what'd he say?
Driver 1: President tweeted, "North Korea is the butt hole of Asia and-"
Wife: [sees Gary crossing the street] Innocent child!!
Driver 1: Baaaah! [Gary looks right as the car speeds towards him holds up his arms. The car slams into him.]
Gary: Uh! [he is launched into the air as blood falls to the ground. The windshield shatters while the airbags deploy, shielding the couple from injury. Gary soars through the air and lands down the street in the road, dead, losing his left shoe and sock in the process. The driver steps out of the car, then his wife steps out, and they look in shock at the dead boy]
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. All the kids are carrying candles of remembrance and soon clear the hallway. Cartman walks down the hallway. A girl is crying, and Meagan Ridley comforts her.
Meagan: I know. I know, it's so sad.
Cartman: [passes by them and continues down the hallway. A few seconds later...] Well, how nice. That's a little more like it. [Sees Stan, Kyle, and Kenny as they walk towards him and approaches them.] Well guys, what happened? Change of heart?
Stan: Yeah, you didn't hear? Gary Borkovec got ran over by a distracted driver.
Cartman: What? Gary Borkovec? Is he dead?
Kyle: Yeah dude, he's dead.
Cartman: Oh, that son of a bitch! [turns around and walks off] I'm gonna talk to the principal! [turns back around to address Kenny] Put down that candle, Kenny! [turns around and walks off again] Like you ever gave a shit about Gary Borkovec!
Scene Description: Principal's office. PC Principal is curling his left arm when Cartman knocks on the door.
PC Principal: Entree vous.
Cartman: [walks in] PC Principal, I'm trying to raise suicide awareness, but everyone's preoccupied with this "don't be on your phone when driving" crap!
PC Principal: Gary Borkovec was a good student. He didn't deserve to be taken away by someone not paying attention to the road.
Cartman: Yes, but Gary Borkovec is already dead! There's nothing we can do for him! Students need to focus on people thinking about dying!
PC Principal: I don't know what more you want from me, bro.
Cartman: I can't just get people to care with a stupid rap song! I need a full orchestra! Woodwinds, strings! I need black people in white robes, white people in black robes, and a thousand doves to release into the air!
PC Principal: I can give you two student volunteers and one pigeon.
Cartman: [pauses, then] Do you have any idea how serious this is?! As someone who deals with suicidal thoughts, I cannot believe the lack of concern at this school! Maybe I should just take the awareness of my suicide out to the public on the streets!
PC Principal: Maybe you should.
Cartman: Maybe I will!
PC Principal: Maybe you should.
Cartman: Maybe I will!!
Scene Description: Craig's bedroom, night. He's fast asleep when Tweek enters and turns on the ceiling light. Tweek walks up to the bed and stands there for a second.
Tweek: WAAAAH!
Craig: [started] Ugh. Wuh. [rubs his eyes and sees who woke him] Hey Tweek.
Tweek: [holds out his phone] Look at what the President tweeted now!
Craig: What time is it, dude?
Tweek: Just read it! [hands the phone to Craig]
Craig: "North Korea doesn't have the balls to attack Tweek. They have little tiny rice balls."
Tweek: They're gonna get me, Craig! Look at what's on CNN! [turns on Craig's TV and changes the channel from a kids' cartoon to CNN]
Anchor 4: And the President's tweets have certainly caught the attention of North Korea, who have been spending the past several days viewing possible targets for a nuclear strike, if war were to break out. [Kim Jong-un looks over pictures of Tweek and his house]
Tweek: Waaaah! What am I gonna do?!
Craig: You've gotta calm down.
Tweek: How am I supposed to calm down?! North Korea is gonna get me! They're gonna get me!
Craig: [at the same time] Tweek. Tweek. Tweek! [calms down, but is still shaking]' Let's think this through logically. North Korea isn't going to attack anyone, okay? They're not going to start a war they can't win. Okay?
Tweek: But Craig, I-
Craig: Tweek! You have to stop thinking about it. Tell you what. We're gonna go somewhere fun and make you feel better.
Scene Description: The supermarket, day. Cartman and Heidi are passing out fliers to shoppers as they exit the store.
Cartman: [rings a small bell] Give a minute of your time for suicide awareness? Suicide is serious. Help tell people like Kyle it's not a joke.
Shopper: Hey, good for you guys, trying to help. [takes a flier from Eric]
Cartman: Yeah, make sure everyone you know gets involved or else I'm gonna do it.
Heidi: We're getting a lot of attention, Eric. Our Web site's already full of kids saying they feel the same way as you, and want to get help.
Cartman: They want to get help? For what?
Heidi: For... wanting to take their own lives.
Cartman: No, this is about me killing myself.
Heidi: But babe, there's a lot of kids who feel the same way you do.
Cartman: They're full of shit, Heidi. They're just trying to get attention. What, are you actually talking online to these ass wipes?!
Heidi: I thought this was about raising awareness and helping people.
Cartman: So you're just gonna e-mail with every guy who has a dick and a death wish?! Are we just your type?!
Heidi: Eric, come on.
Cartman: No, look, Heidi. I'm sorry, but you're the one who started all this by telling everybody that I was suicidal! Okay?! Now I'm under a lot of pressure to do it! So the only option I have is to make sure that suicide prevention becomes this entire town's number one priority! [A shopper walks out of the store behind him with a toddler in the shopping cart]
Driver 2: [a woman] Oh God, did you see what the President said about Asians now?
Husband: Look out! [the car runs over the shopping cart, killing the toddler in the process]
Cartman: Oh, are you freaking serious?!
Scene Description: An amusement park, day. Tweek and Craig walk through the park holding hands.
Craig: Okay, babe, what do you want to ride first?
Tweek: Ugh! What are we doing here, Craig?!
Craig: We're gonna get your mind off politics and have some fun. Now, what's your favorite ride?
Tweek: [grunts a few times] The Ferris wheel!!
Scene Description: The Ferris wheel, later. Tweek grunts some more, while Craig is smiling.
Craig: Isn't this lovely, Tweek? Just look at that view!
Tweek: [decides to look at his phone] Oh God! Another tweet from the President!
Craig: Oh, come on.
Tweek: "Why would the U.S. be scared of North Korea? Tweek is so not scared he's at an amusement park in Denver right now." [gasps] JESUS CHRIST, WE'VE GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE!!
Craig: Tweek! Tweek, use your brain! North Korea isn't going to attack an amusement park. You're safer here than anywhere.
Scene Description: At an autopia ride, kids and their parents drive along slowly.
Father: Oh, Jeez, the President just called Kim Jong-un a fat midget. [the car he's in jumps off the track] Oh, and now North Korea is saying that they're gonna-
Son: Dad, look out! [the car plows through the bushes lining the autopia roadway]
Father: Oh, shit! [a girl turns around and sees the car coming, but can't evade it. The car mows her down and kills her, then speeds towards a woman and a baby carriage. It demolishes the baby carriage with the baby in it. The bumper car ride is shown]
Attendant: All right everyone, please wait for your bumper cars to come to a complete stop. We hope you enjoyed Crazy Cars- [one car has a mother and daughter in it, and the mother is browsing on her phone]
Daughter: Mommy, look out! [the mother screams as they run over a boy who's on his way out. Four other kids are still in the ride, and the car runs over them too. Panic ensues and spreads throughout the park]
Tweek: [noticing] Oh my God, what is that? What is that?!
Craig: It's probably nothing. Everything's fine.
Tweek: Will you please stop saying that?! I can't take it!
Craig: I'm trying to make you feel better.
Tweek: Well, maybe I don't wanna feel better right now!
Craig: Okay, but think about that. That actually doesn't make any sense.
Tweek: Why do you have to be so logical?! I don't need you to problem-solve all the time, I need you to... Augh, I don't know!
Craig: Tweek, honey, all week you've been freaking out, and I've been the one forced to deal with it!
Tweek: You haven't been dealing with it, you've been trying to make it go away because my emotions are freaking you out! [behind him, a girl screams as the runaway bumper car mows her down. The mother in the car is still screaming]
Craig: Tweek, North Korea isn't bombing anyone. [Tweek turns away and tugs at his hair] They would lose the support of China, and that would mean-
Tweek: There you go again! Stop preaching facts to me! It's not what I need!
Craig: Well, I'm sorry that I'm actually in control of my goddamn emotions, you baby! [stops himself for a few seconds] Oh, see? Now you made me lose control of my emotions. [turns left and walks away] God dammit! [Tweek watches him leave, then grunts louder and louder until it's a full scream]
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, cafeteria, lunchtime. The eight boys are back at their usual table.
Butters: Hey Craig, how come Tweek's not at school?
Craig: [a bit depressed] How should I know?
Jimmy: Uh oh, trouble in paradise?
Craig: Look guys, Tweek doesn't want help, okay? He just wants to overreact.
Henry Kline: [taps a mic a few times, and all the students in the cafeteria look at him] Hey guys, can we have your attention? Tomorrow night we'll be having a memorial service for all the students we've lost to distracted driving. We hope you can all bring your families.
Cartman: [with his own mic] Cool, yeah. Hey guys, and there's also gonna be a suicide awareness pot luck at 7:30 tomorrow night in the school gymnasium. We're gonna have lots of games and face-painting, and uh, what are you guys gonna have?
Henry: ...Uhw-we're gonna have some guest speakers and also provide grievance counselors for those who need it.
Cartman: Yeah, grievance counseling, that sounds super fun. Listen guys, there's a very real chance I might actually do it right in front of everyone tomorrow, so you don't want to miss it. Suicide prevention pot luck, everybody.
Heidi: [approaches Cartman and takes the mic from Henry] Eric, you need to stop. What they're doing is important.
Cartman: They're doing a memorial service with speeches and crying. What's that gonna solve?
Heidi: It's not about problem-solving, Eric. It's about people getting together and feeling what they need to feel. [Craig's jaw drops, as he realizes this is what Tweek was trying to tell him] People need help sorting out their emotions sometimes. And the best thing isn't always quick answers, but just being there, supporting each other and... talking through those feelings.
Cartman: You are so up and down. I don't know what you want from me, Heidi!
Heidi: [Craig runs off, inspired by Heidi's words] Come on, there has to be a way we can all work together here.
Cartman: So now you're on their side! Oh my God, I'm seriously gonna do it right now! [runs off]
Heidi: Eric! [runs after him]
Scene Description: Tweek's bedroom, late afternoon. He's in bed spinning four spinners, two in each hand.
Craig: [runs into the bedroom] Tweek, what's going on??
Tweek: What? What do you mean, what's going on?! The same shit that's been going on!
Craig: Nothing's gotten any better? Oh my God, how does that make you feel?
Tweek: I feel scared! I feel alone!
Craig: Well that must be horrible to feel that way. It must be hard for you to even think!
Tweek: It is! [gets off the bed and walks up to Craig] It's terrible!
Craig: I bet it's terrible! What else are you feeling?
Tweek: Like, like I have no control over my life. Like I'm just a pawn in a big game.
Craig: Oh, that's a terrifying thought. You must feel trapped.
Tweek: Yeah, like trapped, but like, completely unable to even move.
Craig: Jesus, it's like there's no solution to any of this! What are you gonna do?? What can you do?
Tweek: I don't know, it's... it's like... maybe, maybe I have to find a way to feel a little in charge of me again.
Craig: That sounds so insurmountable though. How would you even start?
Tweek: I don't know, but I I've gotta do something about this. There's gotta be a way I can... [stops shaking and comes to a realization. He turns to see Craig and smiles. Craig smiles back] Thank you, Craig. [turns around and thinks] I've got it. People aren't focused on the right thing. I know what I should do.
Scene Description: The school auditorium, evening. The kid's parents are now present.
PC Principal: All right everyone, listen up. Tonight, one of our students has put together a song about a very important issue. It's a song about how there are certain times to not be on your phone. I hope you all listen carefully. [applause as Tweek sits at the piano and begins to play wonderfully. Craig appears on stage and begins to sing]
Craig: People are dying. The fault is our own. You can do lots of damage when you're on your phone. We all have to agree to change it somehow. Let's all make a pledge to end it right now.
Fourth grade choir: Put it down. Don't be on your phone while being President. Put it down. You might do something dumb and cause an accident.
Townsfolk: [scattered around town] Let's all agree, here today, that if we're leader of the U.S.A.
The parents: We'll put it down
The Governor: If at any point today you're being a President, put down your mobile device.
Fourth grade choir: Put it down.
Townsman: If I'm on the phone, I will not get behind the... desk of an oval office.
Fourth grade choir: Put it down.
McDonald's worker: I'll take the pledge!
Doctor: I'll take the pledge.
Hillary Clinton: And I'll take the pledge.
Fourth grade choir: No one cares.
Diner: What's that? I was just elected President? Well then, goodbye!
Fourth grade choir: Put it down if you're President today.
The parents: If you find yourself being President today.
Fourth grade choir: Ah ah ah, ah a-aaah.
Nancy: Hey, Brian, look! I was just elected President.
Brian: That's great, Nancy. Now put down your phone.
Nancy: Right.
Fourth grade choir: Ah ah ah, ah a-aaah, aaah. Put it down.
Cartman: [interrupts with his own rap. He's in a graffiti-ridden alley] Give a standing ovation for suicide in our nation Or I will rip my own guts out without one hesitation [simulates that act. Next, he's in his living room] Dedication, that's what it's taken to awaken people to care [next, he stands next to Heidi outside a house] And yet my future's so hazy, my girlfriend's makin' me crazy But still I'm workin' so hard. You know, just tryin' to hold on, [next, he's in a casket] 'Cause I know that you don't miss me so much if I was gone. [next, he's on stage with the other kids] And all the voices start solo, but every day I hear them grow. Sayiin' "Eric, don't do it! Don't do it! Noooo (noooo, noooo)"
Scene Description: A memorial segment pops up showing Gary Borkovec, then Kelly Morris, both killed by Presidents on their phones (distracted drivers). A montage of kids then appears, each of who were killed by Presidents on their phones. Included among them are Gary, Kelly,... and Kenny.
Choir and parents: [A sign language interpreter appears in a small window at upper right of the screen to sign for the deaf. Craig and Tweek are holding hands] Put it down. Don't be on your phone while being president. Put it down. You might do something dumb and cause an accident. We all agree, here today, that if we're leader of the U.S.A. We'll put it down [the parents and the interpreter fade out. Craig and Tweek look at each other, smiling]
Fourth grade choir: Put it down. [the choir fades out, leaving only Craig and Tweek]
Cartman: [emerges from the choir and runs up to Craig and Tweek] I'm not gonna do it, you guys! It worked! I'm not gonna do it!