Scene Description: South Park Elementary, Garrison's class. A group of visiting kids in yellow G.G.W.K. shirts stands next to Garrison.
Mr. Garrison: Okay, children, we have a special guest today, a woman recruiting young people [she walks to the group and smiles] for a national choir tour. Now I know that choir tours are totally stupid and lame [she frowns], but please, give her your full attention. [to her] Go ahead.
Ms. Stevens: Uh. Thank you, Mr. Garrison. [cheerfully] How are we all doing today?! [the kids' eyes wander] I can't hear you! I said, How are we all doing?! [Cartman farts]
Mr. Garrison: [angrily] Eric Cartman, you say ''excuse me"!
Cartman: Okay.
Mr. Garrison: [to the choir teacher] Go ahead.
Ms. Stevens: Children, we are a national choir called, "Getting Gay With Kids!" We're gonna do a big tour down in Central America to help save the rainforest, and you can be a part of it!
Kenny: (That sounds fucking screwed.) [the others laugh]
Mr. Garrison: Kenny McCormick, you speak when you're spoken to!! [to the choir teacher] Go ahead.
Ms. Stevens: You see, we take kids from all over the country and put them in a choir [Pip yawns and Bill notices. Clyde nods off] where we sing and dance to raise awareness about our vanishing rainforest.
Choir boy: [steps forward] Did you know over 10,000 acres of rainforest are bulldozed every year?
Choir girl: [steps forward] That's right. And over 30% of the world's oxygen [Kenny sees her and begins to swoon] is made in the rainforest. [smiles back at him. Kenny's in love - ahem, distracted. The camera stays on him]
Ms. Stevens: So, who wants to join the fun??
Cartman: What if you don't have any rhythm?
Ms. Stevens: Excuse me?
Cartman: Well, like my friend Kyle. He's Jewish, so he doesn't have any rhythm.
Kyle: Shut up, fatass!
Stan: Choirs suck.
Mr. Garrison: Kyle Broflovski, you watch your language!! Eric Cartman, you be nice to people!! Stan Marsh, you mind your manners!! Kenny McCormick, you pay attention!! [sighs deeply and tells the choir teacher] Go ahead.
Ms. Stevens: Well, uh, that's all, really. [the girl picks her nose, smiling at Kenny] So, if anyone is interested in seeing the rainforest and joining our choir, I'll leave information packets up front.
Cartman: Oh, that's good. We need some more toilet paper. [the other kids laugh]
Mr. Garrison: All right, that does it!!
Scene Description: Mr. Mackey's office. Craig isn't sitting on the bench outside, as he usually is.
Mr Mackey: [behind the door] I am tired of seeing you in my office, young man! [The camera is now inside] You get sent here every day, Craig!
Craig Tucker: I know.
Mr. Mackey: Why can't you behave?
Craig: ...I don't know.
Mr. Mackey: What do you have to say for yourself?! [nothing] Well, I tell you what, young man. Uh, you're gonna be held back a grade if you don't luh- [Craig sticks his right middle finger up] Did you just flip me off?
Craig: No.
Mr. Mackey: Yes you did, you just flipped me the bird! Now, see? This is exactly what I'm talking about! If you don't shape up, m'kay, and get your head straight, uh- [Craig flips Mr. Mackey off again] There! You just flipped me off again!
Craig: No I didn't.
Mr. Mackey: Yes you did! And until you stop flipping people off, you can just go back to the waiting room, m'kay?! Next! [Craig hops off the chair as the door opens. The boys enter.] Well, well, well, if it isn't Stan, Kyle, Kenny, and Eric. [Craig exits]
Kyle: Hey, Craig.
Cartman: Hey, don't flip me off, you son of a bitch!
Mr. Mackey: Sit down, boys. Now, let's see. What did Mr. Garrison send you in here for? The boys were being rude while a choir teacher was giving some stupid presentation-
Stan: It's just some dumb activist kids' choir thing.
Mr. Mackey: Uh, young man, "Getting Gay With Kids" is not dumb, m'kay? It just so happens that I'm on the board of directors.
Kyle: Dude! All those choirs are the same. They don't even really sing. They use pre-recorded tapes.
Mr. Mackey: Well, guess what, boys? I think that "Getting Gay With Kids" is just what you need. I'm gonna sign up all four of you.
Stan: What?!
Kyle: You can't do that! [Cartman's jaw drops]
Kenny: (Woohoo!) [the boys look at him] (I mean, 'Oh...') [looks down]
Mr. Mackey: I think this will be very good for you [writes their names down]
Stan: But we don't even care about the rainforest.
Mr. Mackey: And that's exactly why you need to go!
Cartman: [drops down and pleads] Please, Mr. Mackey, we'll be good. Don't send us to that ole kids' choir. Have mercy, Mr. Mackey.
Scene Description: Kyle's house, some days later. The Get Gay With Kids bus pulls up to Kyle's house to pick up Kyle, Cartman, and Stan.
Sheila: Be safe, Kyle. Bring me something back from the rainforest.
Ms. Stevens: Oh, nonono. The rainforest is very fragile. We must take only pictures and leave only footprints.
Sheila: Oh, I didn't realize.
Choir boy: Did you know that right now, bulldozers are tearing down thousands of acres of rainforest every day?
Cartman: [as he enters the bus] Aw, man, this is gonna suck donkey balls.
Stan: [As Sharon drags him to the bus] Please don't make me go on a choir tour, Mom, please!
Sharon: Stan, you should be excited. I would love to see the rainforest. Besides, your dad and I need some time alone. [tosses him into the bus]
Stan: Nooo-ho! [The door closes and the bus pulls away. Stan and Kyle look out the back window in dismay]
Ms. Stevens: Okay, children, that's all of us. We're ready to head for the Latin American nation of Costa Rica, a country filled with virgin rainforest.
Cartman: Whoopee.
Ms. Stevens: And you must be Eric Cartman. I've heard about you. You don't respect nature or other cultures.
Cartman: Yeah, pretty much.
Ms. Stevens: Well, I'm gonna change the way you think, kiddo.
Choir girl: [Kenny sits next to her] My name's Kelly.
Kenny: (My name's Kenny.)
Kelly: Lenny?
Kenny: (No, Kenny.)
Kelly: Johnny?
Kenny: (KENNY!)
Kelly: Oh. [looks away and picks her nose.]
Choir girl: Now, we've got a looong trip ahead of us, so let's take the opportunity to learn our choreography.
Cartman: [hushed] The nightmare begins.
Scene Description: The bus rolls along. A map pops up, showing the bus's route, and Latin music plays. It crosses the border at Mexicali, goes down the Baja peninsula, takes a ferry to Mexico and cuts across the North to the Gulf, then snakes down Central America to Costa Rica. They arrive at San José.
Ms. Stevens: Oh, look, children! I think we're entering San José, which is the capital of Costa Rica. [the kids move to their windows and look out] Oh! This is so exciting!
Cartman: Oh my God! Dude, look at how dirty and crappy everything is!
Ms. Stevens: Eric, Costa Rica is a Third-World country. These people are much poorer than those in the U.S.
Cartman: Well, why the hell don't they get jobs?! [Throws open his window and yells] Ey! Why don't you people quit slacking off, and get a job! What's wrong with you?! Go to college!
Ms. Stevens: Eric, sit down!
Cartman: [sits] Look, you've gotta be firm with these people or they just slack off and be poor forever. Right, Kenny? [Kenny looks at him angrily] Hey, maybe that's it, Kenny. Maybe you're Costa Rican; that's why your family's so poor.
Kenny: [to Kelly] (Argh! That's not true.)
Kelly: [picks her nose] Your family isn't poor? [picks her nose]
Cartman: Whoa, dude, look over there! [The bus stops. There are three women in front of a shop. A man has just dropped them off, pays them and drives away, and they wave at him.] Wow! Costa Rican prostitutes! Hey, look at the prostitutes, you guys!
Redheaded prostitute: [with heavy accent] What are chu looking at, man?
Middle prostitute: Yeah, why don't chu take a peekture?
Cartman: Okay. [pretends] Cleek! [grins]
Ms. Stevens: Eric, SIT DOWN!
Scene Description: The bus stops at the Centro Nacional de Costa Rica and all exit.
Ms. Stevens: Kids, this is the Costa Rican Capitol building. This is where all the leaders of the Costa Rican government make their-
Cartman: [rushing out] Oh my God, [covers his nose] it smells like ass out here.
Ms. Stevens: Alll right, that does it! [turns Cartman around] Eric Cartman, you respect other cultures this instant!
Cartman: [covers his nose again] I wasn't saying anything about their culture, I was just saying their city smells like ass.
Kelly: Wow, seeing a place like this really makes you appreciate living in America, huh?
Kenny: [in bliss] (Uh-huh.) [Kelly picks her nose again]
Ms. Stevens: You may think that making fun of Third-World countries is funny, but let me-
Cartman: I don't think it's funny! This place is overcrowded, smelly, and poor! That's not funny, that sucks!
Ms. Stevens: Eric, will you please, please, just keep your mouth shut while we present ourselves to the Costa Rican President?
Cartman: Why?
Ms. Stevens: Because I'll buy you some ice cream afterwards if you do.
Cartman: Eh-heheh!
Scene Description: Inside the Capitol. All seem to be facing the President.
Ms. Stevens: Well, it was a long trip, but the children are very excited to sing tomorrow.
El Presidente: [long pause] ¿Qué?
Ms. Stevens: Uh, we're, uh, we're the choir? That, that was sent from... the United States?
El Presidente: [long pause] ¿Qué?
Ms. Stevens: We're the group singing for the "Save The Rainforest" summit tomorrow? [her head is cocked way to the left by now. El Presidente has no clue. Now the teacher is worried] Oh dear, where's, where's Mr. Mackey? He should have been here by now. [faces the kids] Children, do any of you speak Spanish? [Cartman waves his left arm] Don't you dare! [the main door opens]
Mr. Mackey: [rushing in] Sorry I'm late.
Ms. Stevens: Ogh! Thank goodness you're here; I don't speak any Spanish.
Mr. Mackey: Oh, no problem. [to El Presidente and his men] Usted es choir de Estados Unidos, mbien?
El Presidente: ¡O! ¡O! Save The Rainforest.
Ms. Stevens: Yeess!
El Presidente: Pablo los llevará en un tur de la jungla. [Pablo appears]
Mr. Mackey: Uh, he says Pablo here will take you on a rainforest tour.
Ms. Stevens: Oh boy! Mr. Presidente, round up your subjects outside. We have a special gift for you. The gift... uh-of song. [moves aside]
El Presidente: [long pause] ¿Qué?
Scene Description: On the Capitol steps.
Ms. Stevens: All right, children, Let's get in our rows quickly, so we can begin.
Kelly: [walks over to Kenny, her partner] Did you remember all the choreography, Lenny?
Kenny: (Yeah, I think so.)
Ms. Stevens: Hello, everybody. This is just a little rehearsal for tomorrow, so we may be a little rusty. [chuckles and shrugs. The people just look. She presses the play button. The kids begin to dance to the music]
The Tape: [Intro] Tootin' tootin' to, tada choo choo wow! [Men sing]There's a place that is magical, and full of rain. [Women sing] But now it needs help, because it is in pain. [Men sing] Cleaning the earth is a mighty big chore [All sing] We're spreading awareness like never before! [Chorus] Getting Gay With Kids is here! [Kyle is out of step now] To spread the word and bring you cheer Let's save the rainforest! What do you say?! Being an activist is totally gay! [Bridge. Man sings] Someday if we work hard, boys and girls, [Woman sings] There'll be nothing but rainforests covering the entire world! [Man joins her] World! [Chorus. Kids rush into the audience and bring some members back as new partners] Getting Gay With Kids is here! To spread the word and bring you cheer. Yeah! Getting Gay With Kids is here! Let's save the rainforest! It's totally gay! It's totally gay! [The kids regroup and Kyle stumbles into place. The tape is stopped and the subjects just walk away]
Ms. Stevens: Great job, gang! You were really all over the place, Kyle.
Kyle: Thanks!
Cartman: I told you Jewish people don't have rhythm!
Kyle: Fuck off, Cartman!
Stan: No, dude! I think Cartman might actually be right.
Kyle: [alarmed] No! That's a stereotype.
Stan: Dude! Maybe you really don't have any rhythm. [Camera closes in on a stunned Kyle]
Scene Description: Next day, the sun rises over a sea of green, the canopy of the rainforest. The choir teacher and her group are touring with Pablo.
Pablo: This is now secondary rainforest we are entering. Notice the canopy of foliage.
Ms. Stevens: Oh, it's everything I ever dreamed it would be!
Kyle: God-damn, it's hot out here!
Stan: [sees a branch] Aaah! Snake!
Kyle: No, dude. That's a branch.
Stan: Oh. [sees it again] Aaah! Snake!
Kyle: No. That's the same branch again.
Stan: Oh.
Pablo: [turns and stops the group] The rainforest is very delicate, and we must take steps to protect it.
Cartman: [impatient] Yeah yeah yeah, take steps to protect it, blah blah blah. [Pablo looks at him] We hear this a million times back up in the States.
Pablo: Here! Look! These are squirrel monkeys. [one sits in a tree, resting] Endangered inhabitants of the rainforest.
Kelly: Wow! Isn't he neat, Lenny? [takes a picture]
Cartman: [takes a branch and starts beating the monkey] Bad! Bad monkey! [it screams in pain]
Ms. Stevens: Eric, what the heck are you doing?? [the monkey flees]
Cartman: [stops] I'm asserting myself. It's tough love. Just like my Mr. Kitty. When he's bad I say, "Uh that a bad Mr. Kitty!" and I smack him on the head!
Pablo: And here is a three-toed sloth. [hangs from a branch with all four legs]
Cartman: [takes the branch and starts beating the sloth] It's bad! It's a bad three-toed sloth!
Ms. Stevens: [pulls him away] Eric, for God's sake, knock it off!!
Cartman: [throws the branch at the sloth] Re'spect my authoritah!
Ms. Stevens: Well, Mr. Pedro, this was a great tour, but I guess we should be getting back. We have a big concert tomorrow, Don't we, kids?!
Kids: YEAH!
Choir boy: I wish we could have seen the Yanagopa.
Kyle: What's the Yanagopa?
Ms. Stevens: The Yanagopa are gentle native people that live in the rainforest, but bulldozers are destroying their homes. Soon, they will have nowhere to go. So we must stop bulldozing the rainforest so that they can live-!
Cartman: [fed up, buries his face in his mitts] Aagh Ghyod, here she goes again!!
Stan: AAAAAAA! [hides behind a girl]
Ms. Stevens: Stanley, what is it?
Stan: SNAAAKE! [all see and gasp]
Pablo: [standing next to the snake wrapped around a tree trunk] Oh, yes. Uh this is what we call a coral snake. Notice the red markings. Quite an amazing creature.
Stan: AAAAAAA! [runs farther back]
Pablo: What's the matter, little boy?
Cartman: He's a little wuss, what's it look like? [Stan is hiding behind some foliage]
Stan: [lifts some away] I'm just a-scared of snakes.
Pablo: Naw, naw. You must remember. This snake is more afraid of us than we are of it. [the snake jumps out of the tree and wraps itself around him, suffocating him] Oh!! [the snake bites him all over the face. Stan looks and drops the foliage so as to hide, and Pablo falls] Agh.
Ms. Stevens: [in horror] Oh my God!! [the snake starts swallowing Pablo]
Cartman: Yeah, that snake is really scared of us all right!
Ms. Stevens: [petrified] Jesus Christ, is he dead?! [Pablo's bones come out of the snake's anus]
Stan: Dude!
Kyle: My guess would be yes.
Ms. Stevens: Oh, no! God, no, no! [spins around] Don't panic, children.
Cartman: [beats the snake, which turns and comes at him] Bad! That's a bad snay-ah! [hurries away, and the snake gives chase]
Scene Description: The sun sets over the rainforest. The choir teacher now guides the group...
Ms. Stevens: Maybe we came from that way. [points to her left] No, nno. Let's try this way. [points to her right and moves that way]
Kelly: [walking behind Kenny] Benny? Do you think we're gonna be okay?
Kenny: [stops] (Yeah. Everything is fine.)
Kelly: That's good. Can I tell you something?
Kenny: (Okay.)
Kelly: I think I like you. [holds his shoulder]
Kenny: (Really?!)
Kelly: [releases] Yeah. I mean, I think we communicate really well.
Kenny: (Oh, that's great!)
Kelly: [looks away] No, that's not good.
Kenny: (That's not good?)
Kelly: No. See, if I start to like you too much, [looks away] I'm only going to get my heart broken. 'Cause we live on opposite ends of the country. [looks at him again] Once this choir tour is over, we'll never see each other again. [grabs him and gets emotional] And that would devastate me. [lets go] So I can't have any feelings for you, I just can't, Lenny! [walks away]
Kenny: [pissed] (Aaaargh!)
Ms. Stevens: Oh, children, the sun is setting. We have to find our way out of here quick!
Scene Description: The sun sets and the moon appears over the rainforest. Lightning flashes and the camera slowly drops to ground cover.
Ms. Stevens: Whoa-kay, okay, everything is just fine, kids. Now it is important that we all stick together. Is everybody still here?
A Boy: I'm not.
Ms. Stevens: Who's not?!
A Boy: Me.
Kelly: Benny, will you hold my hand? [picks her nose. When she lowers her hand, Kenny grabs it, but she looks away] I don't want to get emotionally attached, though.
Stan: Oh my God, dude!! I just saw Tony Danza!!
Scene Description: Lightning flashes and the group is seen sitting in a row on the ground with Tony Danza visible seated in the middle next to the choir teacher.
Ms. Stevens: No, you didn't just see Tony Danza, Stanley.
Scene Description: Next day. The sun rises over the Centro Nacional. A rooster crows. A massive stage is prepared for the Save the Rain Forest summit. It looks like an amphitheater, with a scaffold holding ten speakers over the stage and bullhorns atop the pillars. Balloons and a Save the Rain Forest banner are also anchored to the scaffold.
El Presidente: [on stage] Bueno, bueno. Pongan el arcoiris al lado de las tortugas muertas. (Put the rainbow next to the picture of dying sea turtles.) [the worker moves along]
Mr. Mackey: [approaching] Buenos dias, Señor Presidente, ¿mbien? (Hello, El Presidente)
El Presidente: ¿Qué tal? ¿Está todo bien? (Oh hello. Is everything going okay?)
Mr. Mackey: Uh, muy bien. Señor Presidente, um... ¿Usted no ha visto el coro, no, mm-hm bien? (Oh fine, fine... You, uh, haven't seen the choir have you?)
El Presidente: ¡¿QUÉ?! (WHAT?!)
Mr. Mackey: Parece que anoche no regresaron al hotel, hmbien. (Well, they never came back to the hotel last night...)
El Presidente: ¡¿Está bromeando, Mackey?! ¡¡¡Más de cien mil personas atenderán este evento!!! ¡¿Y me dice usted que no tendré a mis chiquitos lindos para que les canten?! (You've got to be kidding!! I have over a hundred thousand people coming to this event!!! Are you telling me that I have no darling little kids to sing to them?!)
Mr. Mackey: Estoy seguro que-uh-mmm, que-aaah llega- llegarán. No se preocupe. Eh, olvidelo, ¿yeah-mbien? (I am sure they'll get here. No problem, forget I said anything.)
Scene Description: At the same time, in the rainforest, the group rises and marches on.
Kyle: Dude, we're totally lost! We're gonna die out here!
Kelly: We are?
Ms. Stevens: Don't worry, Kelly. We're gonna find our way out of the rainforest and make it back to the concert in time. We just need to respect our mother rainforest so that she will respect us.
Kyle: Miss Stevens, you have a bug on your back.
Ms. Stevens: Oh, really? Could you brush it off? [shows her backpack, and a huge insect half her size growls on it]
Kyle: Um, no.
Ms. Stevens: [panics] Oh, boy oh!! Oh my God, get it off me!! For the love of God, get it off me!! Oh my God!! [the insect growls and falls silent. Miss Stevens returns] Oh-okay, children. We must understand that the insects of the rainforest help the delicate balance of life here. [sees the insect, still on her back] Oh my God!! [runs off]
Kyle: Rainforests suck! I wanna go home!
Kelly: Me, too! [the rest start to groan]
Ms. Stevens: Shh. Children, okay, let's try to listen to what the rainforest tells us. And if we use our ears she can tell us so many things. Perhaps-
Kyle: [Kyle runs into an adult] Aaaaa! There's a dude here! [a soldier holding a shotgun]
Ms. Stevens: Oh, thank goodness! Hello, sir. We are lost. [giggles] Cah heh, can you help us?
Solider: ¿Qué?
Cartman: [moves forward] Let me try, let me try. We are from America. A-me-ri-ca. [the soldier listens] We are lost and verry hungry. Necesito burri-tos. [rubs his belly]
Stan: I don't wanna burrito, I want a taco. Supreme.
Cartman: Y taco.
Kyle: I want two tostadas and mild sauce.
Cartman: Two tostadas and mih-um enchilito.
Ms. Stevens: Boys, please. Not every Spanish person eats tacos and burritos. That's a stereotype. [the soldier points a way out with his thumb] Children, he wants us to follow him! Oooh, thank goodness! I think this ordeal is over! [they leave]
Scene Description: The group arrives at a military camp deep in the rainforest. Soldiers go about their maneuvers. The kids pass a small barbed-wire bunker.
Stan: This doesn't look very safe.
Kyle: Yeah. I think we should get the hell out of here.
Ms. Stevens: Now kids, let's be a bit more open-minded. I read all about this in Newsweek; this is a people's army. They are fighting the fascist policies of their fascist government. [addresses them with a lilt] Oh, hello. Do you speak of English?
People's Army Leader: [crisp] Who are you?!
Ms. Stevens: Oh, wonderful! We were lost, and it is such a great coincidence we found you. You see, we're here to protest the government-sanctioned raping of your rainforest. [the soldiers just stare] We are fighters, just like you. Could you help us get back to San José? [no response] Um... [thinks] Oh, I know! Perhaps you would like a gift. Well, we have o-honly-hee one gift to give. The gift... of song [she moves aside]
Kids: Honh. [she presses the play button, and the song plays. The kids begin to dance]
Ms. Stevens: [through clenched teeth] Kyle, for the love of God, do the right choreography. [as the chorus nears, Kyle is still doing the wrong moves] Oh, Kyle, please! [the kids dance through the first line of the chorus...]
People's Army leader: Enough! [the music stops]
Ms. Stevens: Well, we hope that our gift of song has warmed your hearts.
People's Army leader: We're not getting gay with any kids, okay?
Ms. Stevens: Uh, yah, soooo, do you have a phone we could use?
People's Army leader: Heehee yes, we have a phone. It's right over there next to the 12-person jacuzzi. [the other men begin to laugh] Now, get out of here before we kill you!
Ms. Stevens: [sullen] Is it because of the little Jewish boy's choreography?
Kyle: Hey!
People's Army leader: [the soldier next to him cocks his shotgun] You white Americans make me sick! [emphasizes his disgust with thumps on the table] You waste food, oil, and everything else because you're so rich, and then you tell the rest of the world to save the rainforest because you like its pretty flowers.
Scene Description: Two Costa Rican soldiers can be seen behind the gasoline barrels. They pop up and open fire. The people's army immediately responds, and bullets fly everywhere. The kids scream.
People's Army leader: [waving the choir away] ¡Rápido, rápido! [Kenny steps in front of Kelly to shield her from any shots coming their way]
Ms. Stevens: Run, children, run! [the choir moves out]
Scene Description: Back in San José.
El Presidente: ¡¿Dónde putos está el coro?! ¡El espectáculo comienza pronto! (Where the hell is our choir?! The show is supposed to start soon!)
Mr. Mackey: No se preocupe, ¿mbien? El Presidente, estarán aquí. Este evento es muy importante para que la maestra del coro se lo pierda. ¿M-m-mbien? (Don't worry, El Presidente, they'll be here. This is too important for the choir teacher to miss.)
Scene Description: Back in the rainforest. The choir now walks along a riverbank.
Ms. Stevens: Hello?? Anybody?? Help??
Choir boy: Wow, look at the pretty flower. [stops by to touch a huge yellow flower with blue support on a large green stalk]
Ms. Stevens: Oh nonono, Jake. That fragile flower is very delicate, okay? [before she could finish the sentence, the flower wraps its petals around Jake and pulls him off the floor.]
Jake: Aaaah. Ugh, help!
Ms. Stevens: [quakes] Ga-ow! [quickly grabs Jake's feet and pulls. The choir walks on]
Kelly: [crying and pouting] I wanna go home! [Kenny stops and turns] I hate the rainforest!
Kenny: [walks up and puts his arm around her] (Oh, there, there now. There's nothing to be afraid of, dear.) [comforted, she smiles]
Kelly: [gushing] Oh Lenny, hold me. [moves away] No, I can't get attached. [pause, then moves closer] Oh, but I do like you.
Kenny: (Well, I like you-)
Kelly: [moves away] Oh, but you're only going to leave me.
Kenny: [pissed] (Oh, God damn it!)
Scene Description: San José. The reporters for the telecast have arrived and are in position.
Short Reporter: We're here live in San José, Costa Rica, where hundreds of rich Americans have gathered for the Save the Rain Forest summit. Everyone is here so they can feel good about themselves, and act like they aren't the ones responsible for the rainforest's peril.
Slim Reporter: That's right, Bob, and of course the main attraction today is the darling kids' choir, "Getting Gay With Kids," all of whom must be backstage preparing at this very moment.
Scene Description: The rainforest. The terrain looks familiar...
Ms. Stevens: [the problems mount] Oh, there's just no end to this place! I think maybe we're going in circles. Oh, dear God! The summit starts in an hour; I'm gonna lose my job! [another large insect roars behind her backpack, and she jumps] Aaaah!
Cartman: [turns and walks back the way they came] This is bullcrap! I am not following this stupid hippie around anymore.
Ms. Stevens: Eric, where are you going?
Cartman: I'm going this way!
Ms. Stevens: Young man, I am the adult here, and I say you go this way!
Cartman: [stops] Look: you can stay over nyah [gestures towards her], but I'm going over nyah. [Gestures away from her]
Ms. Stevens: Young man, I have had it!!
Cartman: Nononono! You nyah, me nyah! [gestures forward and backward] Screw you guys, I'ma going home. [walks away]
Ms. Stevens: Good! You deserve to die, you little bastard! [the others watch him leave] Eric, we have to stay together!
Scene Description: Eric moves through the rainforest.
Cartman: God-damned stupid hippie activist! I should be home nestled in the couch with my Mr. Kitty right now watching Fat Abbot cartoons and eat- [finds himself at a clearing full of bulldozers moving wood around] Yes! I knew it! I'm saved! [rushes in]
Scene Description: Back by the river.
Stan: Hey. Maybe Cartman was right.
Kyle: Yeah. It happened once before.
Ms. Stevens: No. The Spirit of Maya has told me to go this way.
Scene Description: At the clearing.
Cartman: [reaches the foreman] Mister! You've gotta help me! I'm starving to death!
Foreman: What are you doing here, little boy?
Cartman: I was with my class, and we got all lost in the rainforest, and I need some food. I'm fading fast!
Foreman: Lost in the rainforest? Oh, my Lord! Where are all the others?
Cartman: Food! I have to have food! [falls on his face]
Fireman: Oh my God! Get this child some food, quick!
Cartman: [lifts his head] Chicken wings. [drops it]
Foreman: Chicken wings!
Cartman: [lifts his head] Medium spicy. [drops it]
Scene Description: San José
Crowd: Start the show! Start the show! Start the show!
El Presidente: La gente está ansiosa. Dentro de poco, se alborotan y empiezan a tirar chorchadas. (The activists are getting anxious. They will start throwing things soon.)
Mr. Mackey: Estoy seguro que llegarán. Eh-sólo poquito más de tiempo, ¿mbien? (I'm sure the choir will be here. We just need a little more time)
El Presidente: Bueno, voy a entretenerlos con mis chistes de Polacos. [heads for center stage] (Well, I will try and amuse them with my Polish Jokes.)
Mr. Mackey: Mbien.
El Presidente: [on the mike] ¿A cuántos Polacos les toma a comerse un burrito? [the crowd is silent. He holds up two fingers] Dos. [seeing no reaction, he laughs, then tries again] ¿A cuántos Polacos les toma a manejar a Panamá? (How many Pollacks does it take to eat a burrito? Two. How many Pollacks does it take to drive to Panama?)
Scene Description: In the rainforest, the choir keeps walking.
Ms. Stevens: Oh God, this is a nightmare! We're never going to make the festival!
Stan: Hey, look over there. Isn't that smoke? [a column of smoke is seen floating above the canopy]
Ms. Stevens: Let's go, quickly! [they rush towards the column and find a small campfire]
Kyle: Hey, it's a fire. That means there must be people. [the shrubs around them rustle, and they face the shrubs. Some big-lipped dwarves surround them.]
Ms. Stevens: Children, it's the Yanagopa. [to the dwarves] Do not be afraid. We are not here to tear down your rainforest. [the group is surrounded by spear-bearing Yanagopa men.]
Yanagopa 1: Damtilié?
Yanagopa 2: Damtilié?
Ms. Stevens: [marveling] Look how they live in peace with all living things. Gentle, noble... [the Yanagopa raise their spears high] Run for your lives, children!
Stan: Holy crap! [all run]
Yanagopa: [giving chase and throwing spears] Damtilié! Damtilié! Damtilié!
Stan: Jesus Christ!
Ms. Stevens: Run run ruuun! [A huge insect lands on her backpack and roars. She looks back and the insect flies away] Waaah!
Kelly: [trips and falls down] Aaaaa! Lenny! [Kenny goes back, helps her up, and they keep running. The choir runs across a puddle of quicksand and begin to sink]
Kyle: What the hell?
Stan: We're sinking.
Ms. Stevens: It's quicksand, people! [the Yanagopa warriors surround them and leap with excitement, still screaming "Damtilié!"]
Scene Description: The Yanagopa village. Heads of unfortunate trespassers hang on poles. An abandoned camera is among them. Further on, the choir is found seated around a campfire... tied up individually.
Stan: All we ever heard growing up was, "Save the rainforest. The rainforest is fragile"!
Kyle: Yeah! Fragile my ass!
Kelly: Larry, if we make it out of this, I want to be your girlfriend. Even if we do live in different places, I don't care! [snuggles up to him]
Kenny: (Kelly, you said it!) [she tries to pick her nose, but the ropes won't let her]
Scene Description: The Yanagopa men are apparently no different than other men. They have dressed Miss Stevens in a skimpy home-made red-and-white cheerleading outfit, complete with pom-poms, then strung her up between two trees. They dance around her, chanting "Damtilié"
Ms. Stevens: [put off] Okay. Just what the heck is going on here, people? [a giant Yanagopa rises from the brush and his voice rumbles across the rainforest. She responds] AAAAA!!
Kelly: Oh no, that big thing is going to make love to Miss Stevens!
Ms. Stevens: All right, that does it!! [the men stop dancing] Goddamn stupid-ass rainforest!! This place fucking sucks!! [the giant Yanagopa is shocked] I was wrong!! Fuck the rainforest!! I fucking hate it, I fucking hate it!!
Stan: Oh, now she figures it out.
Scene Description: A bulldozer appears, driven by the foreman.
Foreman: Quick! Everybody help the children!
Scene Description: More bulldozers enter and spread out. The workers go after the Yanagopa and chase them away. The children brighten up considerably. One bulldozer scoops up a group of Yanagopa and crushes them against a tree, killing them, then backs up over a coral snake, crushing it to bits, then rolls forward over a large insect, crushing it.
Stan: Wow!
Kyle: Dude! Bulldozers rule!
Foreman: [cutting the ropes off the kids] Come on! Let's get you back to civilization!
Kids: HOORAY!!
Ms. Stevens: [being cut down by a worker] Hooray, children!
Scene Description: Later, Miss Stevens is back in her regular clothes and sits on a gasoline barrel. Kyle sits on another one, and the rest of the kids take positions all over the bulldozer. All sip lemonade.
Ms. Stevens: How did you know where we were?
Foreman: Your little friend helped me out.
Ms. Stevens: Eric?
Cartman: [arriving] Who'd you expect? Merv Griffin?
Ms. Stevens: What exactly are you guys doing out here, with all this ...construction equipment?
Foreman: We're clearing out big sections of the rainforest for a lumberyard.
Ms. Stevens: Really? [excited] That's great!!
Foreman: You mean, you don't mind?
Ms. Stevens: Nooo, I hate the rainforest! You go right ahead and plow down this whole fucking thing!
Foreman: That's swell!
Kelly: Okay, Benny. So in order for our long-distance relationship to work, we'll have to call each other every other day.
Kenny: (Okay. I can do that.) [lightning strikes him, knocking her away] (Christ!) [he falls, she gets up and goes to him]
Kelly: Aaaah! Lenny! No! [Stan and Kyle rush in]
Stan: Oh my God, they killed Kenny.
Kyle: You bastards!
Kelly: [turns to face them] Whah?? Who?! Who killed him?!
Stan: They did.
Kelly: Who's "they"?!
Stan: [pause] You know, "they."
Kyle: They're... they're bastards.
Kelly: Well don't just stand there, help him!!
Kyle: What?
Stan: Help ...him?
Kelly: Aaagh! [turns around and pounds on Kenny's chest] Come on, Benny! Breathe! [she tries giving him mouth-to-mouth resuscitation, then pounds on his chest again] Breathe, you son of a bitch! [she picks her nose, then pounds some more. Kenny coughs, and she listens]
Kyle: Whoa, dude!
Scene Description: San José. The choir is now at the Save the Rain Forest summit stage.
Summit host: And now, here to teach us about the rainforest is Getting Gay With Kids. [the crowd applauds]
Ms. Stevens: Does everybody remember the new lyrics? [the kids nod yes] And...
The new lyrics: [Intro] Tootin' tootin' to, tada choo choo wow! [Men sing] There's a place called the rainforest; it truly sucks ass. [Women sing] Let's knock it all down and get rid of it fast. [Men sing] You say, "Save the rainforest," but what do you know? [All sing] You've never been to the rainforest before. [Chorus] Getting Gay With Kids is here! [Kyle still can't dance] To tell you things you might not like to hear. [Kenny and Kelly exchange glances] You only fight these causes 'cause caring sells. All you activists can go fuck yourselves!
Male activist: That was so inspiring.
Female activist: What a wonderful message.
The new lyrics, part II: [Bridge. Man sings] Someday if we work hard, boys and girls, Each year, the Rainforest is responsible for over three thousand deaths from accidents, attacks or illnesses. [Woman sings] There'll be no more rainforests left in the entire world! There are over seven hundred things in the Rainforest that cause cancer. [Man joins her] World! Join the fight now and help stop the Rainforest before it's too late. [Chorus] Getting Gay With Kids is here! To spread the word and bring you cheer. Yeah! Getting Gay With Kids is here! Let's knock down the rainforest! What do you say?! It's totally gay! It's totally gay!


Scene Description: General Store. The boys are shopping...
Stan: [with an air pump] Is this what you're looking for, Kyle?
Kyle: No, I don't think so.
Kenny: [bringing a hair dryer] (How about this?)
Kyle: No, that's a hair dryer!
Manager: May I help you find something?
Kyle: Yeah. Do you have any "nurections"?
Manager: Any what?
Kyle: I need to get a nurection for my dad.
Manager: Very funny, boys. Go on, beat it. [gestures to the exit with his thumb]
Stan: Why is that funny?
Kyle: Dude, my mom and dad keep fighting all the time. And both of them say it's because my dad doesn't have a nurection. So I want to get him one. [the boys are suddenly outside, with the door slamming shut behind them] Damn it! What the hell is wrong with everybody? [the boys walk away]
Stan: That's the fifth store we've been kicked out of. Why is it so hard to get a nurection?
Kenny: (I know, fucking seriously!)
Kyle: I just want a nurection so I can give it to my mom.
Man: [walks by with his lady] What?
Kenny: (Well, see you guys. I gotta go take the bus out of town.)
Cartman: Oh, where are you gonna go, Kenny? You gonna see your little girlfriend again?
Kenny: (Yeah, dude. She saved me.)
Cartman: Dude, you spend way too much time with that girl. If you don't-
Kenny: (Ach.) [Poof. Stan and Kyle turn. All three are left looking at a charred body]
Stan: Oh my God, they killed Kenny!
Kyle: You bastards!
Cartman: What the hell happened to him?
Stan: He just... ignited.
Man: [rushing up] What happened?
Woman: [rushing up] I saw it from across the street. He just caught on fire. [Barbrady drives up and screeches to a halt]
Officer Barbrady: [rushes up to the boys] Okay people, stand back. Give the little burnt boy some breathing room.
Blond Man: I've heard about this. This is... spontaneous combustion. But it usually only happens to fat people near open flames.
Man 2: Is it contagious?
Woman: Am I going to spontaneously combust?
Man 3: I hope it doesn't happen to me.
Woman: This is very scary.
Scene Description: City Hall,the Mayor's office. The Mayor is talking with someone.
Mayor McDaniels: The people are panicking about spontaneous combustion. That's why I've assembled this crack team of scientists to find out the cause of the phenomenon. You are the best scientific mind South Park has to offer.
Randy: ...Uuuh. Mayor, I'm a geologist.
Mayor McDaniels: Right.
Randy: Well, uh I don't study human biology, I study the earth.
Mayor McDaniels: Look, you're the only scientist that lives in this town. You have to find an answer before more people combust. You do that, and you'll be the most beloved man in South Park. [Randy begins to daydream]
Scene Description: The Most Beloved Man In South Park. Hands move him over the crowd.
Crowd: Randy! Randy! Randy! Randy!
Man: We love you, Randy.
Woman: [rushing up] Make love to me, Randy. Please!
Scene Description: Returns.
Randy: Wow.
Mayor McDaniels: Marsh, I'm not asking you, I'm telling you! Find the cause of spontaneous combustion, or else!
Randy: Or else what?
Mayor McDaniels: [pounds on her desk] Exactly!
Scene Description: First Church of South Park. The organ is heard as people gather for Kenny's funeral. Inside, Stan and Kyle hop up to the bier the coffin is on. Cartman tries a couple of times and finally makes it.
Stan: Dude, he looks so peaceful without his little orange coat on.
Kyle: Yeah. [The boys hop off the bier and move to the front row for the service as Priest Maxi approaches the coffin. He opens the Bible and reads]
Priest Maxi: The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. Sometimes the giveth seems a little disproportionate to the taketh. There seems to be a lot more takething going on, but there it is. Perhaps if more of you attended church on Sundays [Kevin falls asleep, Stuart reads Gazongas magazine and checks out its centerfold while his wife sniffs], the Lord would not have felt it necessary to punish us by takething this little boy...
Mr. Garrison: [to man to his left] Oh, here comes the guilt trip again.
Priest Maxi: Now, let us pray. [all close their eyes and bow their heads] Lord, though we have lost Neil Smith to free agency and Steve Atwater to the Jets, still, we hope our beloved Broncos can bring home another Super Bowl championship, and once again bathe in the glory of your light. Amen.
All: Amen.
Priest Maxi: [raises left arm and fist] Let's go-
All: Let's go
Priest Maxi: Broncos
All: Broncos
Priest Maxi: Let's go Broncos
All: Broncos, let's go! [The priest extends the fist and all rise and exit. Three men carry the coffin out]
Stan: Wow, that was short. [Priest Maxi stops them as they leave the pew]
Priest Maxi: Boys, I haven't seen you in church lately.
Kyle: Well, I'm Jewish.
Priest Maxi: You're not too Jewish to worship Jesus, are you?
Kyle: I guess not.
Priest Maxi: Good. Boys, how would you like to perform the Stations of the Cross this Friday night?
Stan: The what?
Priest Maxi: It's like a skit, where you reenact the death and glorious resurrection of Jesus Christ.
Kyle: Hey, resurrection! That's what my dad needs!
Priest Maxi: Huh?
Kyle: We'll do it! We'll do it!
Priest Maxi: Wonderful. Here's a book on how to perform it. Don't let me down, boys. [hands it to Kyle and walks away. The cover shows two excited kids under a radiant cross]
Kyle: Dude, this is great! You know all the Stations of the Cross, right, Stan?
Stan: I don't know, dude. I'm gonna have to go look in the Bible.
Scene Description: Outside, some of the churchgoers are still around.
Tom: Good night, Jerry.
Jerry: See ya, Tom. Bye, Helen.
Helen: Bye, Jer- aaa! [poof. Now she combusted]
Jerry: Oh my God, another one.
Tom: Helen, no!
Jerry: What happened?
Man 5: [consoling Tom] God must be very angry with us. But why? [looks to the heavens] How have we angered you, Lord?
Scene Description: Stan's house. Randy's in the basement doing preliminary work. He's working on some chemical reactions when the boys come down.
Randy: [to himself] Well, let's see. If they combust... no. Could be from the... no.
Stan: Dad, where's our Bible?
Randy: Not now, Stan. I have to find out what causes spontaneous combustion. Or else.
Stan: Or else what?
Randy: Exactly.
Stan: ...What?
Randy: Right.
Stan: [after a long pause] Where's our Bible?
Randy: It's in the attic with the old LP's. [the boys start up the stairs...] Boys, did you notice anything uuuh strange about Kenny in the weeks leading up to his combustion? Ooh, what did he spend his time doing?
Kyle: He didn't do anything. He was always with his new girlfriend.
Randy: New girlfriend?
Stan: Yeah, he started seeing this girl and he spent a lot of time taking the bus to go visit her. What does that have to do with his death?
Randy: Maybe nothing... [close up] maybe everything.
Stan: ...Well, we're gonna go work on getting Kyle's dad a nurection. [the boys go up the stairs and exit]
Randy: [resumes the reactions] Yes, yes, of course. I've got work to do. [the door closes] What?!
Scene Description: Stan's room. Stan reads from the Stations of the Cross booklet while Kyle reads from the Bible.
Stan: Let's see: Jesus got crucified, then he died, then three days later he had his urection. Let's see, there's fourteen Stations of the Cross. Now, it says we can makes costumes out of sheets.
Kyle: This is gonna be fun.
Cartman: I'm gonna be Jesus!
Kyle: You're too fat to be Jesus!
Cartman: Oh, and like you're gonna do it, Jew?!
Kyle: Stan should be Jesus.
Cartman: Either I'm Jesus, or else, screw you guys, I'm going home! [gestures his intent.]
Kyle: You're such a fat baby!
Cartman: Well, I guess you guys can do the Stations of the Cross by yourselves. [gestures again, and again]
Kyle: All right, all right, you could be Jesus, you tubby cry-baby!
Cartman: [retorts] Stick and stones may break my bones, but I'm Jesus and you aren't.
Scene Description: Back in the basement...
Randy: All right, all right, let's try it again. Kenny was standing here. Stan, Kyle and Cartman were walking around him. [four men dressed as the boys stand before him] Now, walk. [the men move around] Do you feel hot?
Kenny: Uh, no.
Randy: Damn it! How come you're not combusting? [throws down his clipboard]
Stan: Come on, Randy. You said we were gonna drink beer and watch the fight.
Townsman: [rushing in with several other people] Another one! Another one combusted! [pours out the ashes for Randy to see]
Randy: No! Has she been doing anything odd?
Townsman: No, she was just on her way to her new boyfriend's house.
Randy: Boyfriend. And they said Kenny had a new girlfriend.
Cartman: This is stupid. Screw you guys, I'm going home. [walks off]
Randy: No! I think I might have it.
Scene Description: The First Church of South Park, night of Good Friday.
Priest Maxi: Well, well, well. A lot of you came to church. Looks like we're a little "nervous" about this spontaneous combustion thing, huh?
A few people: Yeah.
Priest Maxi: Well, on this blessed Friday let us give thanks for stuff, and things. [all bow their heads] Lord, is it so much to ask that you not let us suddenly burst into flame for no apparent reason? I mean, come on! Amen. [Stan and Kyle approach the pulpit, followed by Cartman] And now, some of our darling local children are going to perform the Stations of the Cross. [leaves, and Stan takes over]
Crowd: Awww.
Stan: Station One: Jesus is condemned to death by Pilate.
Kyle: Die! [hits Cartman, dressed as Jesus, with a stick]
Cartman: Ow! You can do what you will, but I am the Lamb of God.
Crowd: Awww.
Someone: Phew.
Stan: Station Two: Jesus takes his cross.
Cartman: [now carrying the cross] This cross is seriously heavy. Oh man, this is totally weak.
Stan: And then Jesus' disciple, Peter, denies he knows him. [this is not part of the Stations]
Cartman: Peter!
Kyle: I don't know you, dude.
Cartman: Oh, Peter. Weak, Peter. Lame. But I'm Jesus, so I'll forgive you, I guess.
Scene Description: Night, the Mayor's office. She's wearing a mud mask in bed and reading Gazongas. The phone rings.
Mayor McDaniels: Mayor.
Randy: [calling from his lab] Mayor, I have it. I found out why people spontaneously combust.
Mayor McDaniels: Why?
Randy: Uh, it's too complicated to explain over the phone. [his clipboard indicates]. Girlfriend -> DEAD Boyfriend -> DEAD Call a town meeting tomorrow
Mayor McDaniels: Okay. If you're right about this, Marsh, you're going to be the most popular man in South Park.
Scene Description: The Most Popular Man In South Park. Hands move him over the crowd.
Crowd: Randy! Randy! Randy! Randy!
Man: We love you, Randy.
Woman: [rushing up] Make love to me, Randy. Please!
Scene Description: Returns.
Randy: Wow. [hangs up the phone]
Mayor McDaniels: [hangs up the phone] Shmuck!
Scene Description: At the church, Stan continues the Stations. Cartman is stripped to his underwear.
Stan: Station Eleven: Jesus is nailed to the cross. [Kyle has tied Cartman to it]
Cartman: Oh! This has gone from weak to superweak! Things cannot get any more weak for me.
Stan: [produces a crown of thorns] Then a crown of thorns was placed on Jesus's head, and Jesus was all like, "Thanks."
Cartman: Well, this sucks that I have to die, but if I die, everyone's sins will be forgiven. [Stan replaces Cartman's cap with the crown] So I guess it's cool. [Stan returns to the pulpit]
Stan: And then Jesus was lead away [Kyle leads Cartman out] to Mount Sinai, where he dies, and has a resurrection three days later.
Cartman: [on his way out the door] Hi, mom. [Stan leaves the pulpit and the priest returns]
Priest Maxi: Thank you, boys. Blessed be the name of Jesus!
Crowd: It's a great name, isn't it? [Stan exits]
Scene Description: Stan and Kyle now carry Cartman on the cross and are headed towards a hill. Kyle has the heavier end.
Kyle: Hey, that went really well. They really liked it.
Cartman: Yeah. I told you I'd be a sweet Jesus, you guys.
Kyle: Aw man, at least the real Jesus didn't weigh 400 pounds!
Cartman: Up your ass with broken glass!
Stan: This spot looks good. [they drop the foot of the cross into the spot and lift the rest of the cross upright, then leave]
Kyle: Yeah. That looks pretty good.
Stan: Okay, cool. See you, Cartman.
Cartman: Hey, wait! Where the hell are you going?! [they stop and turn]
Stan: Huh I don't know. I'm going home, I guess.
Kyle: Yeah, me too.
Cartman: Well, get me down from here!
Kyle: Cartman, how stupid are you?! Didn't you read the Bible? We have to leave you up there until you die, and then you come back to life in three days.
Cartman: What?!
Stan: Yeah, dummy, you have to get a nurection.
Kyle: Then I can give it to my dad. [both turn and leave]
Cartman: Hey, uh I don't wanna be Jesus anymore! Don't leave me here, you guys! ...All right, that does it! Screw you guys, I'm going home! [looks around] Okay, I'm getting pissed now! [struggles to get loose, but doesn't get anywhere] God!
Scene Description: City Hall, the next day. Stan and Kyle are present for the Mayor's announcement, along with much of the town.
Mayor McDaniels: All right, people. Scientist Marsh and I have been working very hard on the problem of spontaneous combustion, and we have finally come up with a solution. Mr. Marsh?
Randy: [approaches with a large book] The little boy combusted because he had a new girlfriend. It wasn't the girl that caused him to combust, it was the fact that Kenny did not want to pass gas in front of her. [displays a diagram of the digestive system] You see, as food is digested the natural processes give off a byproduct known as methane gas. [the next page is a diagram of the stomach, showing how food produces methane]
Randy: The methane gathers here in the bowel area [shows the intestines, or the bowels], where it causes pressure. Normally a person would expel this byproduct in the form of a pleasant fart. [shows the colon, where the gas collects and moves out] Should the gas not be expelled, [shows the gas trapped in the bowels] the methane can build up and then ignite, [shows the bowels exploding] leading to... disaster. [shows picture of Jocelyn Wildenstein, then closes the book] Kenny combusted because he held his farts in for too long.
Townsman: You mean, all we have to do is fart and we won't explode?
Randy: Exactly. [after a while, a fart is heard, then more farts follow as the townsfolk release their gases]
Mayor McDaniels: So, from this day forward, everyone in South Park will be required to fart on a regular basis to insure that nobody else spontaneously explodes.
Crowd: Randy! Randy! Randy! Randy! [Randy waves back gratefully]
Man: We love you, Randy.
Old Woman: [in a wheelchair] Make love to me, Randy. Please!
Stan: Whoa, dude, my dad's famous.
Kyle: Come on. Let's go see how Cartman is doing with his uh, urection.
Scene Description: The boys go to the hill on which they left Cartman on the cross.
Stan: Wow, he died.
Kyle: Now we just gotta wait for his urection, and I can give it to my dad.
Cartman: [wakes up] Hey, there you guys are!
Stan: Cartman??
Cartman: You guys are in big trouble! Now get me down from here!
Kyle: How come you're not dead yet, Cartman?!
Cartman: You guys, I mean, seriously! Get me down!
Stan: Look, fatass: after you die and get resurrurected, you'll have all kinds of superpowers, just like Jesus.
Cartman: ...Really?
Kyle: Yeah. So hurry up and die, you piece of crap! [he and Stan leave]
Cartman: [watches them leave] ...When I get all my superpowers, I'm gonna use them to smote you two assholes right off the planet! [to himself] Dude, superpowers are sweet.
Scene Description: The boys are back in town, and they run across Mr. Mackey.
Mr. Mackey: Hi, boys.
Stan, Kyle: [imitating him] Hi, Mr. Mackey.
Mr. Mackey: Have you guys been sure to pass gas regularly so you don't spontaneously combust?
Kyle: We know how to fart, Mr. Mackey!
Mr. Mackey: Well, let me show you, just to be sure, m'kay? [moves his bowels as he hums,] Hmm, come on. Be good, now. [slaps his butt and lets loose]
Kyle: Jesus Christ! [the boys cover their noses with their jackets]
Stan: Sick, dude!
Mr. Mackey: I had a steak wrapped with bacon last night. [laughs]
Kyle: Dude, I think you pooed a lot.
Mr. Mackey: So, you boys understand you have to do that regularly, oh-mkay? [laughs]
Stan: Okay, okay, just go away! [Mr. Mackey leaves laughing, and the boys walk on]
Kyle: God, that was not cool at all, dude!
Liane: Oh, hello boys. Have you seen Eric around anywhere?
Stan: Uh. We've been taking care of him.
Kyle: Yeah. We're having him resurrurected.
Liane: Oh, all right. I was just at the store buying some apples.
Stan: Apples?
Liane: Yes. Apples. [farts] Ahapples, get it? [the boys cover their noses again]
Stan: Dude!
Kyle: Sick!
Liane: Stinky apples. See you, boys. [leaves]
Stan: I don't think I like this new law.
Liane: [returns] Squeaker! [farts, then leaves]
Scene Description: The boys return to City Hall to see the rest of the ceremony. The people in the crowd all have their noses covered. A covered statue stands next to Randy.
Mayor McDaniels: And so I declare today Randy Marsh Day, where we shall remember forever how he freed us all from the threat of spontaneous combustion. Gentlemen? [her aides unveil a nicely muscled concrete statue of Randy]
Bearded Man: You're the best, Randy!
Randy: I am? I am, huh? I never knew the depth of my scientific genius until now.
Kyle: It's too bad Cartman can't be here to enjoy this.
Stan: Yeah.
Scene Description: Back on the cross...
Cartman: [vultures hover above him] You guys, seriously! somebody get me down from here!
Officer Barbrady: [strolling] Nur nunur nunur nunur nunur nunur-
Cartman: Officer Barbrady! [Barbrady looks up to see Cartman on the cross and says nothing for a while]
Officer Barbrady: [taps his chin] T. T is for turtle. [turns and walks away] Nur nunur nunur nunur nunur nunur...
Cartman: Ey! Help me, you son of a bitch! [to himself] Huh, I'm gonna die up here.
Scene Description: The Nobel Prize Awards. Looks like the Oscars...
Announcer: We now return to the 42nd Annual Nobel Prize Awards. Here again your host, Whoopi Goldberg. [the audience applauds]
Whoopi: [In elaborate dress and geisha hairdo] Republicans are so stupid. [the crowd laughs] I hate Republicans. [the audience laughs] Republicans are so stupid. [the audience laughs] And now, here to present the Nobel Prize for Science is Nick Nolte [fanfare. The audience applauds and Nick steps up]
Nick Nolte: Science is good. Science is very important. This year's nominees are: [the candidates are shown as their names are mentioned] Herald R. Pinkerton, for his further development of the grand unified theory of physics. Randy Marsh, for his formulated break-wind theory of spontaneous combustion. And Alphonse Mephesto for his seven-assed Galapagos turtle. And the Nobel Prize goes to: [opens the envelope] Randy Marsh, for the theory of spontaneous fart things. [the audience applauds wildly]
Mephesto: [in the audience] No! No, this can't be!
Randy: [at the podium, very excited] Whoa hoho, whoa! [grabs his head] Oh wow, oh, ah, I'm the best! Yeah! Yeah! Ah, it's just so amazing to be told that you're the best. I, I thought I was just a normal person like all of you, but... Yeah! Well, thank you for showing me otherwise! Yeah! I kick ass, yeah!
Mephesto: Fixed! Fixed! That was supposed to be my award, Kevin. I'll get him for this. Mark my words.
Scene Description: Back in South Park, Stan and Kyle are on Kyle's couch watching the show.
Stan: Wow, my dad's the best! All other dads suck compared to my dad!
Kyle: Hey! My dad's pretty cool, too.
Scene Description: In the master bedroom Gerald and Sheila look at Gerald's penis, to see if it'll rise.
Gerald: I'm sorry, honey.
Sheila: It's okay, [picks up the phone] I'll just call some 20-year old and have him come over.
Gerald: What?!
Sheila: [hands up] I'm just kidding.
Gerald: Kidding? Well, that's not funny! That hurt my feelings!
Sheila: Why?
Gerald: Why?! [the door opens]
Sheila: Kyle. [Gerald see him, too]
Kyle: Don't worry, guys. I'm getting a nurection as we speak.
Gerald: Huh?
Kyle: Well, actually, Cartman's getting a nurection. But then, we're gonna give it you. Sooo, buck up! [his parents just look at him. He grins and walks away]
Sheila: We have a very strange little boy, Gerald.
Scene Description: Next day, Cartman on the cross. Stan and Kyle arrive to check up on Cartman.
Stan: Dude, he's still not dead.
Cartman: You guys, my mom is totally worried about me. You'd better let me down.
Kyle: She's not worried about you.
Cartman: Yes she is! I've been hearing her all day! Listen! Listen. [prepares for a bit of ventriloquism] Eric? Eric, where are you? I miss you very much.
Stan: That's not your mom calling!
Cartman: [still in falsetto] Yes it is, you guys. I'm serious now. This is Eric's mom and I want him home right now.
Kyle: How stupid do you think we are?! Now you die on that cross and get resurrurected before I kick your ass!
Cartman: You guys, it's too hot out here! I can't do this!
Stan: He is right. It has been getting really hot lately.
Kyle: Yeah, I noticed that too. Let's go get some ice-cold lemonade.
Stan: Hey, yeah! [they turn and walk away]
Cartman: Oh! God-damnit! Urh! You guys! You guys wanna hear my "I hate Stan and Kyle" song?! Ahem.
Cartman: I hate Stan and Kyle I seriously hate Stan and Kyle...
Scene Description: City Hall. The Mayor and her aides are in shorts and T's.
Mayor McDaniels: My God, it's burning up in here! Can't we crank the AC up some more?
Aide 2: It's already on full.
Randy: [entering, wearing his Nobel medal] You wanted to see me, Mayor?
Mayor McDaniels: Yes, Marsh. We have a new problem, and I think only you can solve it.
Randy: I suspect you're talking about the dramatic heat wave.
Mayor McDaniels: Yes. The temperature is steadily rising every day. I want you to find out why.
Randy: Mayor, I think I'm a little overqualified for this. My scientific mind is best used on global problems.
Mayor McDaniels: All right, all right. Name your price.
Randy: Ten thousand. I have to protect my talent.
Mayor McDaniels: Done. Just find out what's happening.
Randy: Don't worry, Mayor. I'll find the cause. Or else. Or else what? Exactly. [they just look at him]
Scene Description: Another night on the cross. The Last Temptation of Cartman.
Cartman: [whispering, hoping...] Hey you guys. Seriously. [Chef walks into view]
Chef: [startled] What the-? [sees Cartman on the cross with his head down] Oh, what now?!
Cartman: Chef! Chef!
Chef: [rushes up to him] Children, what the hell are you doin'?
Cartman: Just get me down from here! [Chef does] Oh, finally! My arms are killing me!
Chef: You children shouldn't be crucifying yourselves in this heat.
Scene Description: Chef drives him into town.
Cartman: Sweet. Now, I'm gonna go kill those guys!
Chef: Eric, I have to tell you something, and it's really gonna bum you out.
Cartman: What?
Chef: It's really gonna piss you off.
Cartman: What?!
Chef: This is just a dream. You're still up on that cross.
Cartman: [waking up] Oh, damnit!
Scene Description: Stan's house, basement. A Cheesy Poofs commercial ends as Stan comes down the steps.
Stan: Dad, where's the phone book?
Randy: Not now, Stanley. Without my scientific genius, the town is doomed. [Stan goes back up the stairs and exits. Randy mumbles] Let's see now, when exactly did the temperature start to go up?
Scene Description: Jesus and Pals comes on.
Jesus: Our topic tonight is the rising temperatures in South Park. Let's go to the phones. [beep] Caller, you're on the air.
Stan: Yeah, um, Jesus, after you got crucified, how long did it take you to die and resurrect?
Randy: Stan?
Jesus: That's not the topic tonight. The topic is global warming.
Stan: Oh.
Jesus: Do you have an opinion on global warming?
Stan: Uh, it... sucks ass.
Jesus: Okay! Thank you caller. Well, let's go to our first guest, Dr. Alphonse Mephesto. [Mephesto appears and sits] Thank you for coming. You claim to know the cause of global warming in South Park.
Mephesto: I most certainly do! The cause of global warming is [brings out a picture of a man, with horns, mustache, and angry eyebrows drawn on] Randy Marsh! [Randy is stunned] It was Marsh's theory on spontaneous combustion that told everyone to fart all they want. Now all the methane from all those farts has ripped a hole in our ozone layer. We are all doomed to die!
Randy: Awww crap.
Scene Description: City Hall, the next day. The town is gathered clamoring for Randy to come out.
Townsman: Go get him!
Townsman 1: We want answers!
Townsman 2: You've killed us all!
Townsman 3: Someone's got to pay!
Woman: It's out of control.
Scene Description: inside the Mayor's office.
Mayor McDaniels: Boy, they're really pissed.
Randy: Well, they're right. We should have known that all that methane could adversely affect the atmosphere.
Mayor McDaniels: Well, let's go talk to them. Stick by me. [turns and walks to the door. Randy follows. She shows him out and quickly closes the door]
Randy: [turns to the door] Hey!
Townsman 4: You killed us all!
Townsman 5: Shove that Nobel prize up your ass! [Stan and Kyle approach]
Stan: Oh my God, what's going on?
Townsman 6: Now we either hold in our farts and spontaneously combust, o-o-or we let our farts out and kill our entire planet. Well I, for one, am not farting anymore! [he combusts and others gasp]
Randy: Uuuh, I- I'll try to find a solution.
Townsman 7: We don't want your solutions, phony!
Townsman 8: Give me that! [rips the Nobel medallion from Randy's neck, leaving the strap] Yeah!
Townsman 9: Damn you Marsh! Get out of town!
Townsman 10: You fraud! [two of the townsmen throw the statue onto Randy, who drags it away on his back. The crowd begins to stone him]
Randy: [struggling] Mr. Garrison, help me!
Mr. Garrison: [keeping Randy at arm's length] I, I do not know you, sir.
Townsman 11: Up your-
Townsman 12: Arrn!
Kyle: [throws a stone] Yeah, take that!
Stan: Dude, that's my dad!
Kyle: ...Oh, yeah. Sorry.
Scene Description: News 4 Special Report.
Anchor: The spontaneous combustion problem escalates as more and more people go back to holding in all their farts. [a man combusts in front of his wife and child as he deposits a letter in a mailbox. A milk delivery man combusts after setting down a four-pack of milk. A boy combusts as he rides a bicycle] Meanwhile, the ozone layer continues to deplete as others refuse to hold in their farts for fear of combustion. As we all know, the cause for all of this is Randy Marsh, the son of a bitch who calls himself a scientist. We caught up with Mr. Marsh earlier today and he had this to say:
Randy: I-I don't know what to say.
Anchor: What an asshole! I hate that guy, and so do you. And now, on to the weather. It's fucking hot, thanks to Randy Marsh, son of a bitch!
Scene Description: Everyone has gone to the Marsh house. Stan and Kyle look out from the living room window as the crowd clamors outside with torches. A man knocks down the trashcan next to the garage.
Kyle: Dude, those people are pissed!
Stan: I know, huh?
Kyle: Where's your dad?
Stan: He's hiding down in the basement. I I don't know what to do.
Kyle: Well, you have to help him, just like I have to help my dad.
Scene Description: Cartman is still on the cross.
Scene Description: Gerald's law firm. The sign reads "Brovlofski & Jackson," so he's got a partner. Gerald sits at his desk looking over papers.
Radio Talk Show Host: Still more up next from the heat wave caused by Randy Marsh. A giant glacier is melting above South Park and the entire town is doomed. And now, these messages.
Bob Dole: Having a hard time with male potency? [Gerald sits up and listens] Well, I don't, and I'm Bob Dole. What's wrong with you? Christ, I'm Bob Dole and I can get it up. [upset, he turns off the radio. The door opens and three prostitutes enter]
Blonde: Are you a lawyer?
Gerald: Yes.
Blonde: We want to sue Randy Marsh.
Gerald: Why?
Blonde: He gave us skin cancer.
Brunette: Yeah. He put the hole in the ozone, and now we have skin cancer all over our hot bodies. Look. [she takes off her clothes and stands before Gerald dressed in thong panties. The other does the same, and he is in shock]
Scene Description: The Marsh house. Stan and Kyle go to the basement. Randy cowers in a corner wrapped in a blanket.
Stan: What are you doing, dad?
Randy: Stanley, I think its best you live with Kyle from now on. His dad is better than me.
Stan: No, he's not! He can't even get a nurection!
Randy: Hm. Really?
Stan: Dad, you've got to work! People are dying, dad. You've got to come up with a solution!
Randy: Not me. I'm not a scientist, I'm a hack. Even if I found a solution, those people would still all hate me.
Stan: Well, that doesn't matter! I learned something from the Stations of the Cross.
Randy: What?
Stan: See, at first, Jesus was all like, "Why me?" And he was all pissed off and stuff. But then he saw that what mattered most was everybody else. So he stopped thinking about his own misery, and did what had to be done. Right as Jesus was dying, [performs a Vulcan greeting] he raised his hand and said, "The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few."
Randy: You're right, Stanley. You're absolutely right. [gets up and the boys go to the stairs] Hey, that Bible sounds like kind of a good book.
Stan: It ain't bad. You should try reading it sometime. [Randy returns to his work]
Kyle: Dude, that was Star Trek again.
Stan: Huh?
Kyle: "The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few?" That was Wrath of Khan.
Stan: Uh, well, Bible, Wrath of Khan, what's the difference?
Randy: All right. Now, let's get to work.
You And Me, Girl: [Intro. Randy mixes some chemicals, then writes some formulas on the chalkboard] [Randy explains the hold in the ozone layer] I've been telling everybody that you're my girl [Randy set off a reaction that boils over] Cause I'm not one to be shy [Randy looks into a microscope] You don't have to go with me if you don't want to, just [the boys approve] Tell everybody I'm your guy [Monster chases Randy and the boys all over the house] You and me, girl, it's forever Sha la la la la laaa I've been telling everybody that you're my girl, Cause I'm not one to be shy [Randy and the boys as a band] I've been telling everybody that you're my girl, Cause I'm not one to be shy [Randy and the boys in hearts on moiré] You don't have to go with me if you don't want to, just Tell everybody I'm your guy [Randy and the boys floating up through clouds] You and me, girl, it's forever Sha la la la la laaa [Randy and the boys play, and a monster appears] You and me, girl, forever and ever You and me, girl, forever and ever You and me, girl, forever and ever... [fade. Randy's humming]
Stan: Dad. Dad! [Randy slowly comes out of his daydream]
Randy: Wow!
Stan: Dad, what are you doin?! You have to get started!
Randy: [looks at Stan] ...Right, right right.
Scene Description: The Broflovski house. Kyle watches TV and Ike plays on the floor. The front door opens.
Gerald: Kyle, where's your mother?
Kyle: She's upstairs.
Gerald: Well, I have something to give to her! [runs by with a big erection in his pants] Don't worry, Kyle. Everything's gonna be okay between me and your mom.
Kyle: Really? Great! I don't have to worry about that anymore. [Ike hops onto the armchair next to Kyle]
Scene Description: Another night on the cross.
Cartman: Hello-o.
Scene Description: The Marsh house. The crowd is still clamoring outside.
Townsman 13: Look! There he is!
Townsman 14: Get him!
Randy: Uh. Please, everyone- [the crowd closes in and stones him]
Townsman 15: You're a dead man, Marsh!
Randy: [shielding himself from the stones] Please, just listen to me. I think I found the answer.
Townsman 16: [to Townsman 15] Could I borrow one of your rocks?
Randy: It's all about moderation. If you never fart, you combust, but if you always fart, you deplete the ozone. So we must fart only at appropriate times or when it's really, really funny.
Townsman 17: Huh? [the people hold their fire]
Randy: I know you all hate me, but please, for your own sake, fart in moderation. You can keep stoning me now, if you want. [most of the people drop their rocks, and Stan smiles through the window. A man throws one last rock] Ow.
Scene Description: City Hall, three weeks later.
Mayor McDaniels: And so we salute Randy Marsh and his unified theory of moderation that has saved us all. [the Nobel medallion has been repaired and is back around Randy's neck.]
Stan: [to Kyle] See? My dad is the coolest after all.
Kyle: Well, my dad is, too.
Stan: Cartman!
Kyle: I forgot all about him. [they leave]
Scene Description: The boys are not at the foot of the cross.
Stan: He's been up there for like, three weeks.
Kyle: Wow!
Stan: That's amazing!
Cartman: [in a slight falsetto] Hey you guys, I am really pissed off now.
Kyle: Dude! You're still alive, Cartman?
Cartman: Get me down from here!
Stan: Dude, you survived all this time on the fat stored up in your body?
Cartman: Yes. And when I get down from here, I'm gonna kick you both right in the nuts.
Scene Description: "You and Me, Girl" plays.