Scene Description: Cartman's yard, side of the house, day. The fourth grade boys are gathered there for some reason.
Clyde: I don't know, that looks pretty high up.
Butters: Yeah. I think it'd be better to start lower.
Stan: Dude, I really don't think it's smart, Cartman. [Cartman is shown at the edge of the roof wearing wings made from cardboard]
Cartman: This is gonna be totally cool, you guys.
Stan: It's not gonna work; just come down from there.
Cartman: [assessing the situation] ...Jeez, this looks a lot higher from up here.
Kyle: [arrives in time to see Cartman's attempt] What's going on?
Stan: Cartman thinks he can fly off of his roof. [Kyle looks up to see what the others see. Cartman looks down]
Kyle: Do it! Do it!
Cartman: I'm gonna!
Craig: I wouldn't if I were you.
Token: Those wings don't look very strong.
Kyle: Don't listen to 'em, Cartman! I'm sure it'll work. Go for it. Yaaay, Cartman! Fly, fly, fly!
Cartman: Okay, here we go. [steps forward and gets ready to launch himself] Since the days of Copernicus, man has dreamed of flight. On this historic day, let us go on to-
Kyle: Awww, go on and do it already!
Cartman: Hold on, I'm givin' my speech! On this historic day, we remember the Wright Brothers: Orville and Redenbacher, whose dreams and visions inspired generations.
Stan: [to Kenny] He's not gonna do it.
Cartman: And now, again, one man's vision ushers in a new era of aerial travel, proving the power of imagination and intellect. The magic... of flight! [he flaps his cardboard wings a few times to get some lift, then jumps off the roof. He heads straight for the ground and lands on his face with a grunt. All the boys are shocked and stand there frozen for several seconds. Stan is the first to leave, then Kyle, then the rest of them. Only Butters remains, and he turns to watch the others leave. After a few seconds of uncertainty, he leaves too.]
Scene Description: Hell's Pass Hospital, day. Cartman is in a recovery room with bruises on his face and a black left eye. The medical staff attends him. Outside, Ms. Cartman appears and rushes in to see Cartman.
Liane: Oh my God! Eric! Eric, [caresses him] Mommy's here. Sweetie? [notices Dr. Doctor] Oh, what's wrong with him?
Dr. Doctor: I'm afraid that your son is... incredibly stupid. He thought he could fly with cardboard wings. The stupidity is so severe that it caused a fall, which has... put him into a deep coma.
Liane: Coma... My God, fo- for how long?
Dr. Doctor: There's no telling. He may never recover. We'll just have to wait. And see. [the camera looks at Cartman, then pans up and fades out]
Scene Description: Hell's Pass, some time later. The camera pans down back onto Cartman, who is now covered in facial hair and a bandage around his head.
Singers: Seasons change, time passes by. As the weeks become the months become the years.
Cartman: Eugh... [sits up, his eyes still closed.]
Liane: [stands up and drops her book] Oh my- Doctor! [Cartman blinks] He's awake! [the doctor and nurse return]
Cartman: Wheh? Where am I?
Liane: Oh, you've finally come back! It's a miracle!
Dr. Doctor: You're at the hospital, Eric. You've been in a coma for some time.
Cartman: Coma... How long?
Dr. Doctor: It's been two... days. Nurse, you can remove his face-warmer now.
Nurse: Yes, Doctor. [tugs at the facial hair and it comes off.]
Dr. Doctor: Now, Eric, you've suffered massive head trauma. Your road to recovery will be long and arduous. At least another two days. [a shot of the hospital's exterior, then back to the recovery room, where Liane is giving Cartman a glass of chocolate milk]
Singers: Seasons change, time passes by. As the weeks become the months become the years.
Liane: You're doing so much better, muffin.
Cartman: Why the hell do I have to share my room with other patients?! This is bullcrap!
Liane: Oh, you're sounding just like your old self again.
Dr. Doctor: [at another patient's bed] I'm sorry, detectives, there was nothing we could do.
Yates: Damnit! Another murder victim! For three years the Left-Hand killer has been at large and I've exhausted every lead! Maybe... I just don't have what it takes to be a cop anymore.
Murphy: We'd better get back to the station, sir.
Cartman: Good, because you assholes have kept me up for three hours!
Yates: All right, let's go, Murphy. Hang on a second, where are, where are my car keys?
Cartman: Probably in your front pocket, dumbass!
Yates: [fishes around in the front shirt pocket and is surprised to find them there, then turns to the doctor] Doctor, didn't you say that kid suffered head trauma?
Dr. Doctor: Yes, it was pretty severe.
Murphy: What is it, Lou?
Yates: I've... heard cases where people suffering head trauma awaken to some psychic abilities.
Murphy: Aw, come on, sir.
Yates: I know it's ridiculous, [turns right and walks off] but I'm gonna explore every possibility I can! [Murphy follows. They arrive at Cartman's bed] Hello, young man, could we have a quick word with you?
Cartman: Not now! The nurse is gonna walk in any minute with my lunch.
Nurse 2: Twelve-thirty, Eric. Lunch time. [the officers are amazed at how timely the nurse came with the lunch]
Yates: Young man, how did you know the nurse was gonna walk in just now?
Cartman: I don't know, I just knew it. [receives the tray from the nurse and sniffs] Aww man, this smells like meatloaf. Again?!
Nurse 2: Yep, meatloaf again. [the officers get a little frightened]
Murphy: Jesus, how did he...?
Yates: Little boy... [whispers to himself] Well it's a snowball's chance in hell but... [back to Cartman] we were wondering if you could come down and see if your... new powers could help us catch the killer.
Liane: His new... powers?
Scene Description: Stark's Pond, newly restored from the demolished Wall Mart, much bigger than it was before, night. A crime scene at the docks is shown, complete with boat floating around.
Female Detective: All right, make sure you get pictures of everything in this crime scene. [one officer takes pictures, another handles evidence gingerly. Nearby, a police tape is lifted so Cartman could check out the scene]
Officer 1: Who's the kid?
Officer 2: He's supposed to be some kind of psychic.
Officer 1: Aw, Christ!
Yates: [with Murphy, Liane, and Cartman] This is... where the body was found. [overhead shot] Multiple stab wounds, just like all the others.
Cartman: How come the outline is missing its hand?
Murphy: The killer always cuts off the left hand of his victim, and keeps it as a trophy. [Cartman walks around the outline, inspecting it.]
Yates: Stand back, give him room! [moves to hold the crowd back] Come on, kid, concentrate! What do you see in your mind?
Scene Description: Cartman begins to concentrate and his eyes begin to twitch. First he sees a cupcake with chocolate topping and sprinkles, then powdered doughnuts, then a cup of vanilla ice cream - with sprinkles being added.
Cartman: Ice cream. Covered with... chocolate sprinkles... [he sees a hand holding Double-Stuff Oreo] Double-Stuff Oreos... [a second hand comes up and twists off the lower cookie] He ... He's taking the top of one and... [squeezes his eyes closed and sees another Oreo attached to the first one so there are two fillings between the cookies] ...and he puts it together to make Quadruple-Stuffs! [the detective writes down what Cartman is seeing] I see...ice cream, and sprinkles, and Quadruple-Stuffs!
Yates: Jesus Christ!
Murphy: Sir?
Yates: Tom Johansen, the owner of the ice cream shop!
Scene Description: Tom Johansen's house, night. The detectives ring his doorbell and he answers.
Tom Johansen: Yes? Oh, hello, detectives.
Yates: Mr. Johansen, could we have a quick word with you?
Tom Johansen: Sure, come on in! [he backs up and leads them in. The lead detectives calls in some officers hidden nearby, and they come in] I'm afraid the house is a little bit of a disaster area since I have-
Yates: Get him! [the officers tackle Tom Johansen and beat him harshly with their batons] Code 6! Code 6!
Officer 3: Use the taser! Use the taser! [another officer fires a taser into Tom Johansen, who then convulses and falls to the floor]
Officer 4: Do it again! [the officer shocks Tom Johansen again, causing more convulsions]
Scene Description: Tom Johansen's house outside, front. Police cars and vans have gathered outside and the siren lights are still rotating.
Officer 3: He put up a hell of a fight, but we got him!
Tom Johansen: Why?! Why?! [the officers haul him away]
Yates: Congratulations, Eric. You just stopped the biggest killer in South Park history.
Murphy: We would give you a reward, but I guess that knowing the people of South Park are safe again is reward enough.
Cartman: Guess again.
Murphy: [walks over and hands him some money] All right, here's a hundred dollars.
Cartman: Wow!
Yates: [to Liane] His powers are uncanny. Take good care of him, Ms. Cartman. Make sure he uses his powers... for good.
Liane: Oh, he will. My little poopsiekins is a very good little boy.
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The school bell rings. Cartman runs down the hall.
Cartman: I'm a psychic and you are worse. I have super-awesome powers and you don't.
Kyle: [walks up. Other kids gather behind him] Cartman, what did you do?!
Cartman: Oh, didn't you hear, Kyle? I used my new psychic abilities to catch the serial killer. And I made a hundred bucks! [shows off the money]
Kyle: Nice old Mr. Johansen runs a candy shop! He wasn't a killer and you know it!
Cartman: Then why did I see ice cream and cookies when I closed my eyes?
Kyle: Because you're a fucking fatass, that's why!
Cartman: Do not doubt my powers, Kyle!
Kyle: You don't have any powers!
Cartman: Don't make me do it, Kyle! I can make your head explode with a single thought!
Butters: Wuh be careful, Kyle.
Kyle: He can't do crap!
Cartman: Fine, Kyle! You asked for it! Hee-at! [closes his eyes and starts making sound effects and hand motions. The boys behind Kyle except Stan and Kenny scatter, and the detectives spot him as they enter the school.]
Yates: There he is! Hey, Eric! Eric! [they approach him, he turns around] We've got a little problem.
Cartman: What?
Yates: While the ice-cream store owner was in jail, another murder was committed.
Murphy: This body also had a missing hand and a bowl of corn flakes next to it!
Yates: Which can only mean one thing!
Kyle: Ha! You see?!
Yates: That a copycat killer is on the loose! We need your psychic abilities to catch this new guy right away!
Kyle: What?!
Murphy: We'll pay you up front this time! We've gotta catch this new guy before he kills again.
Cartman: I'm afraid that my powers... are not for sale. ...And by that I mean they absolutely are for sale. Let's go!
Scene Description: Field report.
Chris Swollenballs: Tom, I'm standing in a meadow just outside of town, where police have discovered the first victim of the serial copycat killer. Child wunderkind Eric Cartman is now arriving on the scene. [Cartman approaches the body, which is covered with a red blanket]
Scene Description: The crime scene.
Kyle: This is fuckin' ridiculous!
Lou: Whattaya got, wunderkind? Are ya seeing anything?
Cartman: No. Nothing.
Officer 5: Maybe his powers have left him.
Officer 6: Yeah.
Cartman: Wait a minute. [his right arm twitches and he sees a bucket of chicken, then sees some chicken served next to the powdered doughnuts he saw earlier. His eyes are squeezed tight.] Fried chicken! It's tender and it's fresh! [sees some syrup poured onto the chicken] There's maple syrup... Maple syrup's being put on the chicken!
Kyle: What the hell is wrong with these people?!
Michael Deets: [in robe and cap] They're never gonna catch the serial killer. He's too smart. Do you want to see my cotton panties? [whips open his robe to reveal himself dressed in a yellow bikini. The boys look on, a little afraid]
Kyle: Hey! What about this guy?!
Murphy: Quiet! He's havin' a vision!
Cartman: It is fried chicken! [first he sees a plate of fried chicken, then the maple syrup, then some whipped cream, then some chocolate syrup, then a cherry on top...] Oh my God. It's a fried chicken sundae.
Weird Man: [brings out a mannequin torso and head and strikes up a conversation with it] "Junior, what are you doing out?" I'm sorry, Mother. "You come home right now and have sex with me!" No, Mommy! [goes away]
Kyle: Hey, uh, does anyone know who that guy is?!
Lou: I said quiet, you little brat, or I'll have you arrested for interfering with the law!
Scene Description: The News 4 logo and screen come up on a TV.
Announcer: This is Park County News 4, with your host, Jim Brown-ish
Jim Brown-ish: The copycat killer of the cut-off-the-left-hand killer has been arrested. Police used the help of Eric Cartman, a wunderkind psychic detective. At the crime scene, the young psychic had visions flash before his mind, and the police immediately arrested the owner of Kentucky Fried Chicken. The young man's visions were so astounding that other police departments have sought out his help.
Scene Description: Cartman's house, day. He's in his room counting the money he's made from his psychic work.
Cartman: If I'm happy and I know it, clap my hands. If I'm happy and I know it, clap my hands. [someone knocks on his door, then the door opens]
Liane: Eric, sweetie, there's um, some people here to see you.
Cartman: More people need to make use of my phenomenal gifts, huh? Ahhh, it's so very tiring.
Liane: Ah, no, these people claim that they are the "real" psychic detectives. [Cartman stops counting money and freezes]
Scene Description: Living room, moments later. Liane and Cartman enter.
Female psychic: So, you are the little boy who's been taking all our work?!
Liane: Oooh, I'll go make some tea.
Male Psychic 1: Kid, we have a problem. You didn't go through the proper channels to become a psychic detective like we all did.
Other psychics: Yeah!
Cartman: Proper channels?
Male Psychic 2: You were supposed to fill out the form on the back of the comic book and pay the twenty five dollar fee for the degree from the Psychic Detective School. [shows the ad in question. Looks nice]
Cartman: I was given my gift from a tragic accident. I didn't need to go to Psychic Detective School.
Male Psychic 1: Well you just can't say you're a psychic detective, you have to use the ad in the comic book!
Female psychic: You must pay the twenty five dollar fee and give us ten percent of your earnings!
Cartman: [laughs at them] Ten percent, my balls, get lost!
Female psychic: Very well, then you give us no choice. Roger?
Scene Description: Roger steps out from behind the sofa and prepares to battle Cartman psychically. Cartman simply observes, then responds. He and Roger "battle" with sound effects and hand gestures.
Female psychic: All right, everyone! [the rest of the psychics join in the battle against Cartman. Liane returns with the tea.]
Liane: Oh, goodness! What's going on?
Cartman: Stand back, mother! We're having a telekinetic battle of minds!
Liane: O-o-o-o-oh! [prostrates herself]
Female psychic: Enough! [one male psychic is slow to respond] We are ...obviously quite evenly matched. I guess this will have to be settled in court.
Cartman: In court?
Female psychic: We brought a class-action lawsuit against you! We'll see you before the judge tomorrow! [the psychics turn and walk out]
Liane: Is it over? [the front door closes after the last psychic leaves]
Scene Description: A camera shutter is heard and a picture of Ms. Crabtree appears, with blood next to her left cheek. Her left hand is missing. A detective continues taking pictures.
Murphy: [reading from a fact sheet] Her name is... Veronica Crabtree, bus driver for the elementary school. She was considered an ancillary character, one the fans wouldn't miss much.
Yates: Jesus Christ! Cause of death?
Murphy: Same M.O., sir. Multiple stab wounds, left hand cut off and missing.
Yates: So you're telling me somebody new is now copying the crimes of the copycat killer?! Jesus! Where will it end?! [goes to a nearby tree to think] Every time I put a killer behind bars, another guy just steps in and takes his place! What am I doing wrong?!
Kyle: [arriving with Stan and Kenny] Excuse me, sir? I think I know who did this. We saw this guy at the last crime scene, and, and you know how serial killers sometimes return to the scene of the crime? Well, I followed this guy to his house, and when he left again, I collected some fingerprints and did a blood-sample analysis. [holds out his findings] I'm pretty sure he's your man.
Lou: [coolly] How do you know?! Are you psychic?!
Kyle: No.
Lou: Look, kid, don't waste my time with your blood-sampling fingerprinty hocus-pocus! I have to find this new killer now! I owe it to that victim over there! I know she hadn't been in any recent episodes, but dammit she deserved better than this! Come on, Murph, we've gotta talk to Eric Cartman again! [leaves with Murphy]
Kyle: Why won't anybody listen to me?!
Kenny: [pats Kyle on the shoulder] (Don't take it personally, Kyle.)
Kyle: [shrugs Kenny off] I am taking it personally because Cartman is a retard! Just because he hit his head and went into a coma doesn't mean he's a- Wait, that's it. If I want people to listen to me, I just have to be as stupid as Cartman.
Scene Description: Kyle's house, later. Kyle is standing at the edge of the roof at the side of his house, sporting his own cardboard wings.
Stan: Dude, I really don't think that's a good idea!
Token: There has to be another way!
Kyle: Be sure to take me to the same hospital!
Butters: Now Kyle, don't fly too close to the sun, or it'll burn your wings, an- and you'll crash into the ocean.
Stan: [under his breath] Butters, Goddammit.
Kyle: All right, here we go. [spreads his wings] Since the days of Copernicus, man has dreamed of flight. On this historic day we remem- aw, screw it! [jumps off and lands on the ground below]
Stan: [a few moments later, sighs] Call an ambulance.
Scene Description: Channel 4 News. A picture of handcuffs is shown, with "ARRESTS MADE" above it.
Jim Brown-ish: Multiple arrests were made today for the murder of Hillary Neals. Police raided the South Park Motel 6 at 4 a.m., where seven psychic detectives were staying. [footage of the arrests is shown. Two of them are beaten, a third is slammed against a squad car until the side of her head begins to bleed, and a fourth holds police at bay. He tries to fight them with his powers, but they simply open fire and kill him where he stands] The psychic detectives' horrible crime was found out by psychic detective Eric Cartman, [shown in dramatic pose with psychic waves emanating from his forehead] who is now the only psychic not behind bars. What an amazing coincidence.
Scene Description: Cartman watches the news from the sofa in the living room at his house.
Cartman: Cool. [the doorbell rings and Cartman concentrates] Ah, Kyle is at the door. Come in, Kyle! [the door opens and the weird man from the crime scenes enters and approaches Cartman] Who are you?
Michael Deets: You. You give everyone else credit for my work, because you fail to see my greatness.
Cartman: ... 'Kay. Sweet.
Michael Deets: Because of you, nobody knows the extent of my deeds.
Cartman: Oh yeah. Awesome. Hold on, just a second. [hops off the sofa, walks away a bit, and calls out] Mom, there's some homeless guy here. Make him go away. [the weird man quickly advances and smothers Cartman's face with a cloth, making Cartman inhale chloroform. Cartman passes out.]
Scene Description: Next scene is an unknown place. Cartman is strapped down to a wheelchair. He awakens and struggles a bit.
Cartman: Hey. Hey, what's goin' on?!
Michael Deets: You are obviously a big fan of my work.
Cartman: I don't even know you dude!
Michael Deets: But I am the serial killer! The one whose rightful place in history you have smirched!
Cartman: Oh, Jesus.
Michael Deets: And now you will have a place of honor, as my nineteenth victim.
Cartman: No! No, you don't wanna kill me. Please, I'll give you anything you want!
Michael Deets: Before you die, let me show you the things that I've done, so you will understand the breadth of my transformation! [starts up a slideshow projector] This... is me at the grand canyon. [shows a shot of him there] Do you see? This is me at Mount Rushmore [the next picture is shown, with him looking lovingly at the faces there] Do you see?
Cartman: [nervously] Heheh.
Michael Deets: Do you see?!
Cartman: Yes yes, I see! [another Mount Rushmore picture is shown, with the man looking at the camera this time]
Michael Deets: Here I am at the Alamo in San Antonio. [this time he looks psychotic, with his hands ready to grab something] This was just outside of the gift shop. Do you see?!
Cartman: AAAAAAAH!
Scene Description: Park County Police Station, night.
Yates: [hangs up the phone] Dammit! Dammit all to hell! They just found another body! That means a fifth copycat killer is on the loose! Where's my psychic?!
Female Detective: Sorry, Sarge, the psychic's mom says her son hasn't been home for a couple of hours.
Officer 7: Sir! Dr. Kels just called from the hospital! He says another little boy just awoke from a coma, and is having psychic visions!
Yates: [grabs his hat] Let's go! [other officers follow]
Scene Description: Hell's Pass Hospital, later. Dr. Doctor leads them into the recovery room.
Dr. Doctor: This is the young man here. He was in a coma for over sixteen hours. [a shot of Kyle with a bandage around his head. He too has a face warmer on, but no black eye like Cartman had]
Yates: Doctor, could you remove his face warmer? We'd like to speak with him.
Dr. Doctor: Of course. Nurse? [a brunette approaches and removes the warmer. Sgt. Lou and Det. Murphy approach the bed]
Yates: Young man, the doctor said you've had some... visions about our newest murder?
Kyle: I see... a man... with a baseball cap. [Sgt. Lou snaps his fingers and Det. Murphy whips out a notepad and pen and starts taking notes. Kyle concentrates] He's killing now... Oh! I'm seeing it all flash before my eyes! The guy's name is Michael Deets, and he lives at 621 Castillo Street. He's usually there between seven and eleven p.m.
Yates: What do you think, Mitch?
Murphy: I don't know. How do we know this kid is really psychic? I mean, this boy is certainly no Eric Cartman. [Kyle clenches his teeth in rage]
Yates: All right, we'll check this Deets guy out. But let's use that one thing that we never use.
Murphy: ...Sir?
Yates: You know, what's that one thing that starts with an R that we never use?
Murphy: ...Restraint?
Yates: Yeah, yeah, restraint. We'll check this guy out, but let's use some restraint. [they leave]
Scene Description: Michael Deets' basement. He's still showing Cartman his slides.
Michael Deets: Look! Look at the things I've done! Here I am at Yellowstone National Park! [shows off the picture] Do you see?! Here are pictures of my trip to Cheyenne for Frontier Days. Do you see?!
Cartman: Oh, God! I'm so bored! Somebody help me! [the doorbell is heard. The two detectives are outside, Yates ringing the doorbell. Michael Deets opens the door]
Yates: Good evening, sir. We're Park County detectives. We were just wondering if we could take a quick look around your house, Misterrr...
Michael Deets: God.
Yates: Well, Mr. God, it won't take but a second; it might help us with an investigation. [he shows them in. The house is dark, with stacks of paper everywhere. Pictures of his victims line the walls. Downstairs, Cartman tries to get attention.]
Cartman: (Hey! Come over here!)
Yates: I see you like cutting the eyes out of photos of women. My son is a big fan of that, too.
Murphy: Sarge! In here! [Lou runs into the next room. They both face a wall of left hands nailed in place]
Yates: Jesus H... That boy was right! Arrest that guy! [Murphy gets right on it. Yates thinks about the hands] Whoa-whoa-wait-wait-hey-wait-wait-yo! Oh, wait a minute, no ah, I'm wrong.
Murphy: Sir?
Yates: This isn't the guy. The serial killer always cuts off the victims' left hands.
Murphy: Right.
Yates: Well those aren't left hands. [holds up his own left hand, palm in] See, on your left hand, the thumb faces to the left. Those are all right hands.
Murphy: Ohhh. [they return to the living room]
Yates: Nope, this isn't our man. [they turn to leave the house and see Michael Deets in the shadows] We're sorry, Mr. God. It appears we've wasted your time. [they head out]
Cartman: [in the basement] (Hey! Help!) [upstairs, Mr. Deets closes the front door]
Murphy: Heh, pretty amazing coincidence that guy had a bunch of hands on his wall. Heh, no wonder that boy thought he was a killer.
Yates: [stops and thinks] Yeah... Amazing coincidence...
Murphy: [backs up] Heh- sir?
Yates: Call it police intuition, but somethin' in there just didn't feel right. [thinks for several seconds] Wait a minute.
Murphy: Sarge... [Lou slowly raises his hand palm in and analyzes it. Then he turns his hand over slowly until the palm is out and is jolted with recognition] What is it?
Yates: I'm not sure. I'm gonna have to run some tests. [runs off to do just that]
Scene Description: Park County Police Station, night. Montage. Yates types away at his computer, then analyzes his left hand again, then returns to the keyboard. He then goes to the lab and looks over his notes. Next to him are two hands, one right and one left. He rotates the right hand so both thumbs point to the left, from his POV, then takes more notes. He develops some pictures in the darkroom and finds matching hands. He works with a 3D model drawing with another computer, then traces his left hand on a wall and takes measurements. He returns to the lab and works with some chemicals. Next he chops some firewood into smaller chunks. Next he's at a gym jumping rope. Next he's at a beach far from South Park playing volleyball with some women. Next he's repairing the body of a car with a welding torch...
Yates: [back at the station, looks in on Murphy] Murphy, do you remember what I was supposed to be doing?
Murphy: Oh. Uhhh... Oh. Something about hands, sir? Uh, for the serial killer?
Yates: [snaps his fingers] Oh right! The hands! Right! [the montage resumes]
Scene Description: Again he goes to his computer and types away then he's back at the lab taking pictures of the two fake hands there, then makes silhouettes of a dog, then models another hand in the computer and gets a match.
Yates: Oh my God. Murphy! [Murphy appears quickly.] You're not gonna believe this.
Scene Description: Michael Deets house, basement. Michael Deets has resumed showing his pictures to Cartman. A picture of him at Ocean World's Splash Zone is shown, then a blank. He turns the projector off.
Michael Deets: That's it, no more pictures. [walks in front of Cartman and faces him, then pulls out a sharp knife] Time to die.
Cartman: No, please! I'm sorry I gave other people credit for your killings. Ahah, it was, it was very wrong for me to lie about the other psychics and get them arrested.
Michael Deets: Your hand will be one with the others.
Cartman: Please just let me go! Ah, I'm gonna tell everyone I'm not really psychic! I've learned my lesson! Please, I don't wanna- [spots the detectives descend the stairs and approach the room] I don't wanna have to use my psychic mind missile on you! [begins to concentrate and make noises]
Yates: Hold it right there, killer! [Michael Deets turns and rushes at them with the knife. Yates fires three shots into him, killing him. The detectives advance, and Yates fires a forth shot into the body, looks around, and fires a fifth shot, getting blood splattered on himself]
Cartman: You got here just in time. He was gonna kill me because he was insanely jealous of my incredible psychic ability.
Scene Description: Hell's Pass Hospital, day. The detectives, the psychics, Mr. Johansen, Dr. Docter, Cartman, Stan, and Kenny are present.
Yates: Well young man, you did an amazing thing. Not only did your psychic visions help us catch the killer, but a lot of innocent people are out of jail.
Tom Johansen: Yes, thank you very much, Kyle.
Female psychic: Yes, thanks.
Murphy: You're certainly a better psychic then Eric.
Kyle: No, don't you see? Cartman never had psychic visions. And neither do these people. The plain simple truth is that nobody is psychic. There's a logical explanation for every psychic story you've ever heard.
Murphy: Do you think that's true?
Yates: It must be true. The kid is psychic. [thinks a moment] But I don't suppose it really matters much. Because in the end, the way I caught the killer was with... good old-fashioned police work. Come on, Murphy. [they leave the room and then the hospital]
Female psychic: [addressing Cartman] Well young man, I guess that just leaves one score to settle.
Cartman: You can't hurt me.
Male psychic: Then let this be our final battle! [the psychics face Cartman once again and battle him with their power. Nothing happens, but there's a lot of noise.]
Kyle: [irritated] Just stop it! [at the top of his lungs] Stoop iiit!! [the lights go out as the bulbs shatter, then the shelf above his bed falls and everything on it hits the floor. The psychics and Cartman stop their battle and witness all this] There's a logical explanation for that.


Scene Description: A panoramic view of South Park, day. Holiday music is heard in the background, and the scenes are played out as the narrator mentions them.
Narrator: Way up in the mountains in a small little town, The Main Street was being decorated all up and down. People stood in long lines, sometimes waiting hours or more, Because Christmas needs to be bought in a store. But out in the forest, not too far away...
Scene Description: A nearby forest. The camera pans down from the sky and rest upon a Christmas tree. Forest animals gather round and decorate it.
Narrator: ...The little woodland critters were also preparing for their Christmas Day.
Woodland Critters: It's almost time when the time is here, The time that's only once a year. We can hardly wait, 'cause it's so near. A Woodland Critter Christmas!
Narrator: The little critters worked hard as they happily sang, And each one of them had a quite interesting name. There was Squirrely the squirrel, Rabbity the rabbit, Beavery the beaver, and Beary the bear. Porcupiney the porcupine, Skunky the skunk, Foxy the fox, and Deery the deer. Woodpeckery the woodpecker, Mousey the mouse, and Chickadee-y the chickadee, all made the forest their house. And on that magical day, stumbling upon all of that, was a surprised little boy, in a red poofball hat.
Stan: [walks by with a sled] What the hell?
Singer: Christmastime is once a year Every critter holds it dear Every animal big or small Christmas means so much to us all
Scene Description: The forest. The critters approach Stan.
Rabbity: Well, hello there. Welcome to our forest.
Skunky: How do you like our Christmas tree?
Stan: It's... nice.
Beavery: Why, it's the most perfect tree in the forest! [the others cheer]
Mousey: Oh no, I see a problem.
Deery: What is it, Mousey?
Mousey: Our Christmas tree doesn't have a star!
Critters: Awww.
Beary: We can't have a tree with no star on it.
Rabbity: What are we gonna do?
Squirrely: Now don't be down, y'all. Maybe our new friend can help us find a star.
Critters: [among other things] Can you really? Oh would you please? Could you help us?
Stan: Okay, okay.
Critters: [cheering] Yay!
Narrator: And so, using some paper and working with glee, the boy in the red poofball hat made a star for the tree.
Critters: Ohhhh!
Beary: It's the nicest star I ever saw.
Narrator: The little critters cheered and Beavery said with a smile...
Beavery: How would you like to sing and dance with us for a while?
Narrator: The boy in the red poofball hat smiled and said...
Stan: [doesn't smile] Uh, no thanks, I'm gonna go home. [turns around, picks up the reins on his sled and walks off]
Beavery: Goo- goodbye Stanny!
Critters: Goodbye, Stanny! Bye! Cya! I'll buy your hat!
Stan: Woof.
Scene Description: Stan's bedroom, night. He's asleep in bed, but wakes up, turns over, and turns on his light.
Critters: Hi, Stanny!
Stan: Oh, whatta? [squeezes his eyelids shut]
Narrator: His friends were all there! What a wonderful surprise! The little boy smiled with joy in his eyes!
Stan: [irritated, grabs his clock] What time is it?!
Squirrely: You aren't gonna believe what happened, Stanny. It's the most magical Christmas gift ever!
Skunky: Porcupiney is pregnant!
Stan: [sighs] You guys, I have to go to school tomorrow.
Mousey: I deduce the man-boy doesn't understand the seriousness of the fertilization.
Deery: Porcupiney is a virgin, Stanny. Her conception was immaculate.
Foxy: She's gonna give birth to our Lord and Savior.
Stan: ...What?
Porcupiney: It has been foretold unto me that I would give birth on Christmas Day.
Mousey: So soon!
Skunky: How delightful!
Woodpeckery: Our souls are saved!
Chickadee-y: Finally the critters are gonna have a Savior of their very own, of their very own! [they all cheer]
Squirrely: [hops onto Stan's bed] There's just one problem: We don't have a manger for our Savior to be born in.
Critters: Awwww.
Beary: But we got to have a manger.
Rabbity: Can you do it, Stan. Can you build us a manger? Huh?
Critters: (Cheers)
Narrator: "Of course I'll build you a little manger!" the little boy cried, and he winked at his critter friends and leapt to their side!
Scene Description: The forest. Stan has built the manger and is hammering the last few nails in place.
Narrator: And out in the woods the boy steamed right ahead, making a place for the critter babe to lay its sweet head.
Rabbity: Gee whiz, if it isn't the nicest manger I ever saw.
Mousey: I deduce it shall serve as a perfectly suitable resting place, for the Son of our Lord.
Raccoony: Does this mean we can go to sleep now?
Porcupiney: My son will have the nicest bed in all the forest.
Woodpeckery: Fit for a king!
Squirrely: This is going to be the best critter Christmas ever!
Woodland Critters: It's almost time when the time is here, The time that's only once a year. We can hardly wait, 'cause it's so near -
Stan: [as they sing] All right, I'm going now. [He ambles off. A roar is heard nearby. All stop and look. The critters scream.]
Critters: The mountain lion! Hide! [They scatter, leaving Stan to face the lion alone. The lion peers out from behind a tree.]
Stan: Go away! Shoo! [The lion moves off and the critters return.]
Squirrely: Is it gone?
Mousey: I deduce it is.
Skunky: [behind a low tree] I'm not c-c-comin' out.
Foxy: Well, this is the end. The mountain lion obviously knows Porcupiney is pregnant, and he's gonna kill it again.
Stan: Again?
Squirrely: Every Christmas the mountain lion comes down and eats the virgin critter impregnated with the Son of our Lord.
Porcupiney: Oh dear, I'm so very afraid.
Beavery: [climbs onto a stump and sits up] Let's face it. The mountain lion will never let our Savior be born.
Critters: Awwww! [some of them sob]
Squirrely: Hey, we shouldn't be upset this Christmas. We've got Stanny!
Raccoony: Of course! Stanny can do anything! If he can build a manger, he can stop that mean ol' mountain lion!
Porcupiney: Christmas is saved! [the critters cheer]
Scene Description: The camera looks up from the woods to a mountain in the distance. Dramatic music plays.
Narrator: High up in the forest on a dark, craggy peak, the horrid mountain lion and preyed on the weak. For the critters to be saved, someone had to stop that nasty old cat...
Stan: Goddammit, this is fucking ridiculous!
Narrator: Said the little boy in the red poofball hat.
Narrator: Killing a mountain lion was no easy task, But he thought of a plan, and he thought of it fast.
Stan: [gesturing] Grrr! Grrr! Come on out! [The lion is heard roaring from inside the cave, and it roars. It approaches the entrance.] Come on, critter killer! Your days of slaughtering innocent little animals are over! Rawrrrrr! [Anticipating the lion's leap, he runs off. The lion lunges at him, but misses. Stan moves to the side of the peak and turns, gesturing.] Rawrrrrr! [Stan runs up the side of the peak, and the lion follows. Stan reaches the peak and turns to face the lion. The lion lunges at Stan again. Stan drops out of the way and the lion goes over the peak and onto its death below, at the cave entrance.]
Narrator: In a flash, it was over! A victorious blow! The mountain lion lay slain on the cold ground below.
Scene Description: The cave entrance. Stan sees that the mountain lion is motionless and approaches.
Stan: Okay, there. [three lion cubs approach the entrance]
Lion cub 1: Mommy? Mommy! [they rush up to her body] W... wake up, Mommy, wake up!
Lion cub 2: Don't leave us, Mommy. [Stan realizes that this dangerous mountain lion was a mom, so his jaw drops. The pale cub approaches him.] Man-boy, why? Why did you kill our mommy? Why?
Stan: [at a loss for words] I... the... critters. Their... bir-birth of a Savior? [The cubs snuggle close to their mom's body, sobbing.]
Narrator: The tiny cubs all gathered together and cried, All alone in the world because their mother had died.
Stan: [turns away and squeezes his eyes shut] Aw- awww!
Scene Description: The forest floor, night. The critters have set up a campfire close to the manger and are keeping warm by it.
Porcupiney: [feeling a kick] Oooo.
Beary: You all right, Lady Porcupiney?
Porcupiney: Oh yes, just felt a little kick is all.
Beavery: Well, it's been much too long now. Uh I'm afraid our helpful friend Stanny must be very dead.
Foxy: Yep, the mountain lion probably swallowed him whole.
Rabbity: I guess that means our Savior is gonna be made into Savior stew.
Critters: Awwww.
Chickadee-y: [flitting straight up into the air] Wait a minute, look! [the animals turn to see Stan approaching them]
Critters: Stanny! [they gather in front of him]
Mousey: Stanny, you're alive.
Beary: But, does that mean you killed the mountain lion?
Stan: It's dead.
Deery: For real and for true?
Beavery: Are you sure?
Stan: I'm sure. It won't be hurting you anymore.
Squirrely: He did it! Now our Critter Christmas can finally happen! Hail Satan!
Critters: Hail Satan!
Stan: Wait, wha-what?
Beavery: You've done us a huge favor, Stanny! Without the mountain lion around, the Lady Porcupiney can give birth to the Antichrist!
Critters: Yaaay!! [they head over to the manger]
Stan: Wai-wait, the Antichrist?? You said she was giving birth to your savior!
Squirrely: Yeah, to the Son of our Lord, Satan, Prince of Darkness.
Stan: But I thought you meant the Son of God!
Deery: Well, think about it: You really think God would have sex with a porcupine?
Chickadee-y: No way! Only Satan, Prince of Darkness and King of all Evil would do that! Yay!
Foxy: This just calls for a celebration! Let's sacrifice Rabbity and eat his flesh!
Rabbity: Yay! Sacrifice me to the Devil!
Scene Description: The other critters cheer. Stan is frozen stunned as Beary pulls up a Satanic altar on a small wagon with a little help from Squirrely. The other animals bring Rabbity up to the altar. Rabbity is propped up on the altar and Beary tears him apart with a sacrificial blade. The other animals crowd in, tear away pieces of the body, and eat them raw.
Chickadee-y: Drink his blood! Drink his blood!
Squirrely: [jumps into a puddle of blood] Blood orgy!
Critters: Yay, blood orgy! Blood orgy, yay!
Scene Description: The critters drench themselves in Rabbity's blood and begin the orgy. Beavery mounts Raccoony, Skunky mounts Porcupiney, Mousey mounts foxy, and Beary mounts Deery. Squirrely hops onto Deery's left ear and mounts that. Chickadee-y and Woodpeckery start flitting around. In the background is heard "Sting, so true!" Stan stares, traumatized.
Critters: What special time and special day, It's Woodland Critter Christmas.
Squirrely: [a circular window opens and he pops up] Hail Satan.
Scene Description: The forest floor, night. The critters return to the manger and decorate it with Satanic symbols, including (what is presumably) Rabbity's skull. As the narrator speaks, the following takes place. The star atop the manger is turned so it points down. Owls bring flowers to the mountain lion's corpse. The lion cubs are shown, then the mountain peak, then Stan is shown with his head buried into his arms at his desk in his room.
Narrator: In the gentle forest clearing on Christmas Eve morn, The little forest critters prepared for the Antichrist to be born. The noble mountain lion had stopped evil in all the years past, But now the good protector lay dead as the good owls amassed. And meanwhile, three lion cubs were crying away. For them, there would certainly be no Christmas Day. And soon the forest would suffer from the offspring Satan begat. All of this because of the little boy in the red poofball hat.
Stan: Ugh.
Narrator: Now that he'd killed the noble lion queen, there was nobody to stop the Apocalypse, it seemed.
Stan: Uuugh!
Narrator: "I know!" he said with a new happy grin, "I'll go back to the forest and speak with those critters again!"
Stan: [waves the narrator away and leaves his desk] No, no-no-no.
Narrator: He ran out the living room, turned out the light, and went back to the forest to set everything right! [Stan enters the living room, hops on the sofa, and turns on the TV. "The Jeffersons" theme song is heard.] And went back to the forest to set everything right! [Stan ignores the narrator and continues to watch the TV.] He tried to forget all about it by watching TV, But his conscience caught up with him and to the forest he did flee... [He turns the volume up to drown out the narrator, but to no avail.] He thought he could hide from his problems - not true! [Stan rolls his eyes] He knew in his heart the thing he had to do!
Stan: Leave me alone!!
Narrator: He knew that only by going to the forest could he -
Stan: All right, all right, all right! God! [He turns off the TV, hops off the sofa and walks out the door, leaving the remote control on the floor.]
Scene Description: The manger at the forest clearing, day. The animals continue decorating.
Beavery: [looks around] Hey, look everyone! It's our old pal, Stanny. [the other critters turn and look]
Woodpeckery: Oh boy, Stanny. You came just in time!
Deery: Yeah. We've got a big problem.
Squirrely: The Great Satan has commanded that when the Antichrist is born, we must find a human host body to transfer it into.
Chickadee-y: That way he could take over the whole world! The whole world!
Mousey: The human must be non-baptized and heathenistic against Christ.
Beavery: We figured you'd be perfect!
Critters: Yay!
Stan: I'm not a heathen! I was baptized and my family's Christian!
Critters: Awwwww.
Beary: But we got to have a human host body for the Antichrist.
Deery: Oh dear, maybe we won't have a critter C-Christmas after all.
Squirrely: Now don't be down, y'all. Stanny can help us find non-baptized heathen human.
Chickadee-y: Will you really, Stanny?
Stan: No! I'm not doing you anymore favors and I'm not letting you give birth to the Antichrist! [walks off] I came here to put a stop to all this!
Beavery: To stop us?
Beary: But gee whiz, Stan, if you try to stop us, we'd have to use our evil Satanic powers on ya.
Stan: Right, whatever. [turns around] I'm taking down the manger I built. [Beary's eyes turn red and brighten. A wall of hellfire appears before Stan.] Ah! [The wall gets higher.] Aaaah! [All the critters' eyes are flashing a bright red. Black crows swoop down and attack Stan.] Aagh! Aaaahh! [A two-headed demon dog appears snarling at him; he runs off in terror.] AAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAH! [The critters' eyes revert back to normal.]
Beary: Oh boy! Our Satanic powers sure did the trick!
Chickadee-y: Our powers get stronger every day! Get stronger every day!
Squirrely: Sorry Stanny, but you see, nothing can stop the birth of the Antichrist, except for a mountain lion.
Skunky: And you got rid of her.
Critters: Yay!
Narrator: The boy shook with anger! He broke a sweat and fell ill. Then he remembered there were three mountain cubs still alive on the hill!
Stan: Oh yeah.
Scene Description: The mountain peak, day. Stan climbs up to the cave again.
Stan: Hello? Anybody in there? [the three cubs appear at the entrance of the cave]
Lion cub 3: Oh no, it's the man-boy who killed Mommy!
Lion cub 1: He's come to kill us now!
Lion cub 2: It's okay. I died inside when Mommy was killed anyways.
Lion cub 3: Yeah, better this than the slow death we'd face without a mother around.
Stan: Look, I'm sorry I killed your mom. The, the squirrel told me she was evil.
Lion cub 1: You got tricked by a squirrel? Gee, you're not too smart, are you, mister?
Stan: I'm trying to make this all right again, but the only thing that can stop devil-worshiping critters is a mountain lion!
Lion cub 3: Yeah, and you killed her.
Stan: Well, you're mountain lions.
Lion cub 2: Us? No, we're just kids. We still have our baby teeth.
Lion cub 1: And our baby claws.
Lion cub 3: And a dead mom.
Stan: There still has to be a way for you to kill the porcupine's baby.
Lion cub 3: What? You mean like in an abortion?
Lion cub 2: Yeah. An abortion. That can work.
Lion cub 1: But, we don't know how to give abortions.
Lion cub 3: Do you know some place we can learn, mister?
Narrator: "Where can they learn that?" the boy said with a frown. "I know! The abortion clinic just outside of town."
Stan: [cross] What?!
Narrator: So he picked up the cubs and down the mountain he stormed. And took them to where abortions are performed.
Stan: No, he didn't.
Narrator: Yes, he did.
Stan: No, he didn't!
Narrator: Yes, he did.
Stan: No, he didn't!
Narrator: Yes... he... [Next scene has Stan holding the cubs at the abortion clinic as the doctor there prepares to abort a baby.] did!
Stan: Oh, Goddammit! [the doctor and patient are startled]
Narrator: Said the boy in the red poofball hat! "We've made it already, little cubs! Fancy that!"
Doctor: [walks over] Excuse me, what are you doing here?!
Narrator: The abortion doctor inquired.
Doctor: If you wanna be in the OR, a pass is required!
Stan: I don't know, I- I'm supposed to show these mountain lions how an abortion is performed or something, I... I know, it's ridiculous.
Doctor: Well, you're in luck, I'm happy to inform! It's only three days until Christmas, so I have lots of abortions to perform! Gather around my table, cute little lions, I'll teach you to do abortions without even tryin'!
Narrator: And so the little boy and the cubs gathered around the chair base, And all day watched abortion after abortion take place.
Scene Description: Montage. The doctor puts on his gloves and the cubs peer into the patient's vagina. Stan peers in as well, from a distance. The doctor works away happily and cleans up well. The patient leaves, and the next one is worked on. Lion cub 2 is on a desk next to a bottled fetus. He hops off, knocking the bottle off as well. The bottle pops open and the fetus falls out. Everyone turns and sees the fetus on the floor, and laugh about it. The doctor works on the next patient and Lion cub 3 brings him some forceps. The doctor smiles and strokes the cub's head. The other two cubs snuggle up to the patient on her shoulders, and she smiles at them.
Singer: Christmas time is once a year. Every critter holds it dear. Every animal big or small, Christmas means so much to us all. It's once a year, it's Christmastime! And it happens once a year. It's once a year, it's Christmastime! When we hear about how Christmas only comes Once a year.
Stan: This better have a point, dude. This really better have a point.
Scene Description: The forest floor. The critters walk along singing their Christmas tune.
Critters: It's almost time when the time is here, The time that's only once a year.
Beary: Oh look. That little feller is all alone.
Skunky: Gee, he looks sad. [Kyle is seen kneeling next to his sled, looking sad.]
Critters: Hi there!
Kyle: [gets up and turns around] What the hell?
Beavery: How come you're all alone on Christmas Eve.
Kyle: My... family doesn't celebrate Christmas.
Raccoony: Aww, but why?
Kyle: Well, because, we don't really... believe in Jesus.
Critters: [cheering] Yay!
Beary: But does that mean you aren't baptized?
Kyle: No. I'm Jewish.
Critters: [exulting] Yay! Yay! [they gather around Kyle]
Beavery: You've got to come with us!
Deery: You're perfect! Just pu-perfect!
Kyle: Huh?
Critters: [taking him away] Yay! Woohoo! Woohoohoo!
Critters: What special time and special day, It's Woodland Critter Christmas.
Squirrely: [a circular window opens and he pops up] Hail Satan.
Scene Description: The woods, night. The camera pans along to reveal a glowing red pentacle in the starry sky.
Narrator: 'Twas the night before Christmas, and above the woods, way up high, a new bright shiny star hung in the sky. For the world to be saved there was only one shot, A little boy with three clubs and an abortion plot.
Stan: Okay, come on, the critters are over this way. You mountain lions ready to stop the Antichrist from being born?
Lion cub 3: Sure. We know how to give abortions now.
Narrator: He arrived at the critter forest ready to fight, but then gasped when he saw a most dreadful sight.
Scene Description: The critters are standing around the manger. A grotesque creature lies in the cradle.
Beavery: Gosh, we did it!
Squirrely: The critter Antichrist is born, bringin' a thousand years of darkness to the forest. [The Antichrist growls and throws little fits.]
Narrator: The Antichrist had been born, sealing the world's fate. The boy in the red poofball hat... was too late.
Stan: Too late?! The hell is that?!
Beavery: Oh. Hiya, Stanny!
Kyle: [now tied to the altar, frightened] Stan! Stan, what the hell is going on?!
Stan: It's Critter Christmas, dude! It sucks ass!
Skunky: Now all we have to do is put the Antichrist into our human host.
Critters: Let's go! All right! Woohoo!
Stan: [turns to the lion cubs] That's it?! Ten thousand years of darkness and I don't even have a Merry Christmas?! [Skunky, Squirrely, Beary, and Chickadee-y walk over to get Kyle. Santa's sleigh appears in the sky.]
Narrator: When up in the sky the sound of sleigh bells were heard, And a jolly red sleigh flew down to the earth like a bird!
Beavery: Wow, look, there's Santy Claus!
Critters: [cheering] Yay!
Raccoony: Let's eat his flesh! [the sleigh lands and rolls to a stop]
Santa: [hops out] All right, what the hell is going on?! Why is there a red star glowing in the sky?!
Raccoony: We finally did it, Santa! We brought forth the Antichrist with help from our good friend, Stanny.
Skunky: Death and pain await all living things.
Santa: Little boy, you should be ashamed!
Stan: I mean, I didn't mean to help them, I... I tried to stop them!
Santa: Well good going, stupid! There's only one way to stop devil-worshiping critters! [He reaches back and whips out a long shotgun. He fires, and the top half of Beavery's head is gone.]
Critters: Aaaaah! [They scatter. Santa fires again, and Deery goes down. Two more shots and the tops of Raccoony's and Skunky's heads come off.]
Stan: Dude, what the- ? [Squirrely activates his demon power with the red glow from his eyes and a wall of hellfire appears before Santa.]
Singers: Hold steady, Santa.
Scene Description: Santa simply hops over it, gets into position, and fires at Squirrely, blowing him to smithereens.
Stan: [goes to untie Kyle from the altar] Come on, dude. [Santa continues firing at the remaining critters. Porcupiney is blown apart, then Foxy.]
Beary: Gee whiz, Santa, you're not gonna kill me, are you- [His head is blown off and he goes down.]
Dark Cub: But Santa, what do we do about the Antichrist? [Stan and Kyle join Santa and the cubs.]
Santa: Don't worry, boys. The Antichrist cannot survive without a human host body to go into.
Kyle: [looks down] No. [walks towards the manger] No, I want to have the Antichrist inside me!
Stan: What?! Kyle?!
Kyle: [now in the manger, behind the trough] With his power, I can finally make the earth a better place for the Jews!
Santa: Don't do it, Kyle! [Grinning evilly, Kyle holds the little Antichrist in his left hand. A glow emanates from the Antichrist and its spirit floats out of its body and into Kyle's chest.]
Stan: Dude!
Kyle: [returns to the altar, climbs up, and exults] Yes, yes! Now the Jews shall take control of Christmas once and for all! HAHA! HAAA!!
Kyle: [voice-over] Oh, stop it, Cartman! [the spell is broken]
Scene Description: Mr. Garrison's class, day. All the students are seated, and it turns out they're taking turns telling Christmas stories. Cartman is telling his now.
Kyle: Just stop it! That's enough! You aren't reading another sentence of your stupid story!
Cartman: I don't believe anyone interrupted you when you read your Christmas story aloud, Kyle. [behind him on the board is written "Write Your Own Christmas Story Day"]
Kyle: This whole time your stupid story was just a way to rip on me for being Jewish at Christmas again!
Cartman: Mr. Garrison, could you do something, please?
Mr. Garrison: Sorry, Eric, but if Kyle feels discriminated against, you'll have to stop or else I'll get a call from his mother.
Cartman: [closes his booklet] All right, fine! Forget it! [He drops off the stool and heads for his desk.]
Butters: Well but, but what happened?
Token: Yeah. Did Kyle bring a thousand years of darkness or not?
Clyde: What happens to the lion cubs?
Cartman: Well, I guess we'll never know, because Kyle doesn't wanna hear how it ends.
Stan: No, it all worked out, right? The world was saved and I went home for Christmas dinner.
Kyle: Dude, why do you care?!
Stan: Well, after all that, I at least wanna know if I had a merry Christmas or if darkness rules the Earth.
Kyle: Oh come on! It's obvious what happens! I get killed by Santa Claus so that Christmas is saved!
Cartman: That's not at all what happens.
Butters: Aw well, come on. Let him read us the end.
Clyde: Yeah yeah, come on! [the other kids chime in]
Kyle: All right, fine!
Cartman: [He returns to the stool and resumes the story. He clears his throat.] "Oh dear, my best friend is possessed! How about that?" said the little boy in the red poofball hat.
Scene Description: The spell is restored. Kyle is back on the altar exulting.
Kyle: HAHAHAA! Now I shall rule the - [feels something...] Aww. Uuugh. God it burns! AAAH! My soul is on fire! Whoa! Oh, I don't like this! [hops off the altar] I didn't know it would feel so... dark and evil!
Stan: Well what did you expect, dude? It's the son of the Devil.
Kyle: Oh God, what have I done?! [sits down] I'm sorry. Please, I don't wanna be the vessel for the Antichrist.
Santa: [with his shotgun at the ready] I'm sorry, but it's too late, Kyle! Santa's gonna have to kill you! [pumps the shotgun]
Stan: No Santa, don't!
Santa: We don't have a choice. In a few hours, the dark creature inside him will consume his soul.
Narrator: The little boy fretted. He almost started to bawl, But that's when he came up with the best idea of all.
Stan: The lion cubs!
Narrator: The little boy quickly begun,
Stan: I took them to see how abortions are done.
Santa: What?
Stan: Now cubs, do like they showed you. Hurry up fast! Get the Antichrist out of my friend Kyle's ass!
Narrator: And in the twinkling starlight, each little cub did their portion. They remembered all they had learned and gave Kyle an abortion.
Scene Description: The lion cub 3 is deep in Kyle's ass, retrieving the Antichrist with his teeth. He succeeds and takes it to Santa quickly. Santa takes it and sets it down on a tree stump. Santa grabs a large sledgehammer next to the stump, raises it over his head, and bring it down upon the Antichrist, smashing it to bits with a loud THUD.
Kyle: Thanks, everybody. I'm sorry I got a little crazy there.
Santa: Well little boy, it seems that you [points to Stan] have really been through a lot. Is there any special present you would like this year?
Stan: [smiles] Yeah. Yeah, there is.
Scene Description: The lions' cave. Santa arrives at the corpse of the mountain lioness and moves his hand over it, releasing some magic dust and watching it settle. The lioness stirs.
Mother lion: Wha - Oh my, what happened?
One of the cubs: [the three of them run up to greet her] Mommy?
The cubs: Yay! You're back! We missed you, Mommy!
Stan: [relieved] Oh, good.
Scene Description: Stan's house. He runs into his parents' arms as Shelly and Grandpa look on. Next, they're all seated at table, eating. Next, Stan and Shelly are opening their gifts.
Narrator: And back home, there were presents, and lots of food to get fat. And it was the best Christmas ever for the boy in the red poofball hat.
Scene Description: A shot of the town, receding from view.
Narrator: And they all lived happily ever after. Except for Kyle, who died of AIDS two weeks later. [Q shot of Kyle back in the hospital, dying.]
Kyle: [voice-over] Goddammit, Cartman!
Scene Description: End of Woodland Critter Christmas.
Singers: [as credits roll] Christmastime is once a year, Every creature holds it dear, Every animal big or small, Christmas means the world to us all, It's once a year, it's Christmastime, When we hear about how Christmas only comes Once a year.


Scene Description: Trinidad Medical Center, day. A very modern, futuristic-looking building is seen behind the sign. Inside, a doctor approaches a patient
Doctor: Hello, Mr. Garrison, I'm Dr. Biber. I'll be performing your surgery today.
Mr. Garrison: [on the hospital bed, his legs in stirrups] God bless you, Doctor. I know you'll make me well again.
Dr. Biber: Now, you're absolutely sure you want a vaginoplasty?
Mr. Garrison: My whole life I've been a woman trapped in a man's body. A sex-change operation is my last chance at happiness.
Dr. Biber: All right, then let's begin. [POV changes to Mr. Garrison looking down past his groin. A nurse hands Dr. Biber a scalpel] Just relax, Mr. Garrison. I think if more people could just see a sex-change operation, they would know how perfectly natural it is. The first thing I'm going to do is slice your balls. [bends down to slice open Mr. Garrison's nutsack - a live slice is shown]
Mr. Garrison: Ough, ergh. Eww. [his eyes remain shut for the duration of the operation]
Dr. Biber: With the scrotum open, I can now discard of your testicles.
Mr. Garrison: So long, balls. [the vas deferens is shown being cut in two, severing the testicle from the rest of the body. A nurse dabs Dr. Biber's forehead with a towel to remove any sweat there]
Dr. Biber: Now, I'll just continue the incision up the shaft of the penis. [real-life footage is shown]
Mr. Garrison: Oh, that stings.
Dr. Biber: Now I'll just... turn your... penis inside out.
Mr. Garrison: OH! Oh jeez.
Dr. Biber: All we need to do now is ...stuff the ...unskinned penis inside your... pelvis... And now I'll use the skin from your penis to make vaginal lips.
Mr. Garrison: Do I look like a woman?
Dr. Biber: [reviewing the results, then holds up his left thumb] Pretty much.
Scene Description: Denver Convention Center, day. All-State Basketball Tryouts are being held there. TODAY! Stan, Kyle, Cartman and Kenny show up courtside through entrance 51A. Kyle, #4, is in South Park Elementary's basketball uniform.
Stan: Dude, don't be nervous.
Kyle: How can I not be nervous? Trying out for the All-State team has been my dream for years.
Stan: You're the best player at our school, dude. You'll make the team for sure.
Cartman: This is ridiculous. Jews can't play basketball.
Kyle: [points right at Cartman] I beat out YOUR fat ass, Cartman! [a referee's whistle is heard]
Lead referee: All students trying out for the All-State team to center court! [Kyle heads for center court]
Stan: Good luck. [Kyle reaches center court and is flanked by tall black players on either side. He looks around, seeing how much taller these players are than he. Two of them have basketballs; Kyle has his own ball]
Coach: All right boys, now you're all here because you're the best of the best. [the camera pans from left to right, showing all the players - and Kyle's head from the nose up] I know that you've all worked really hard to make it this far, so let's get out there and [throws a basketball at someone] SHOW ME WHAT YOU'VE GOT! [play begins, and the taller players keep the ball away from Kyle, then drive toward one of the baskets. Number 32 slams the ball through the hoop. They drive to the opposite basket. Kyle has the ball and shoots, but his shot is rejected. The players head back to the first basket] Uh, uh excuse me, Brof-Broflovski, is it?
Kyle: Yeah?
Coach: Can we talk to you for a minute? [Kyle leaves the court and reaches the coach] You uh... You're the best player in your school, are ya?
Kyle: Yep! I love basketball. I wanna play for the Denver Nuggets one day.
Coach: Yeah. Uh, look, kid, you've got great skills and a great attitude. But you're just not physically ...built for the game.
Kyle: Oo whataya mean?
Coach: Well, it's just that... Jew's can't play basketball. [blows his whistle and returns to the other players] Awright, kids, we've gotta work on that shooting! Come on!
Scene Description: Kyle heads out through 56A but puts his head against a wall, deeply saddened. Kenny, Stan and Cartman enter 56A from the concession stands and head towards Kyle
Stan: Dude, you were awesome, Kyle. [no response. Stan looks at Kenny, then looks back at Kyle] Look, y-you gave it your best shot, right? That's all you could do. [looks at Kenny, shrugs, and walks away. Kenny walks over, puts his hand on Kyle's shoulder for consolation, then walks away. Cartman looks a bit concerned, walks over to Kyle... and taunts him!]
Cartman: Nyanyanyanyanyaaanyaaa! You-hoo-hoo-hoo loh-ost! Hahahahahaaahaaa! [No response. Cartman can't get a rise out of Kyle] Kyle, I'm totally ripping on you at a totally inappropriate time.
Kyle: I know. I deserve it.
Cartman: Yeah, you know why? Because Jews can't play basketball!
Kyle: You're right. [this disarms Cartman completely, and he walks away]
Cartman: Jesus, that's no fun.
Scene Description: Henry's Supermarket, day. A normal shopping day until...
Man: [bursts through the main entrance] Hey everybody, you're not gonna believe it!
Randy: Believe what?
Man: It's Mr. Garrison! Only it ISN'T Mr. Garrison! He- He's a woman now! [the doors open again and Mr. Garrison struts in with a new womanly body and purse. He strikes a pose to show off his womanly ass. From here on, he's Mrs. Garrison]
Mrs. Garrison: Hello everybody! [everyone is shocked. She goes further into the store and approaches two female shoppers] Can you believe it ladies? I'm one of YOU now! [hugs them, then heads to the Feminine Hygiene aisle] Wow, just look at all these tampons! Regular, heavy flow- Oh boy, I can't wait till I get my first period! [trots off.]
Scene Description: The ladies' restroom, moments later. Mrs. Garrison enters humming and takes an empty spot along the sinks.
Mrs. Garrison: Hi gals! [opens her purse and begins putting on makeup] Oh boy, can you believe the sales they're havin' out there? Well, I'm about to pee out my vagina for the first time. [hugs them] Give us a hug. Girls' Club! [lets them go and goes into a stall, closes the door, drops her pants and sits down. She urinates. The two ladies at the sink look at one another, then towards the stall] Oh wow! This is great! Look at that, I'm peeing sittin' down like a dainty dignified little woman! [begins to fart and poop. The women's jaws drop] Sany, any of you ladies wanna go see a sad movie together? [The women present leave the restroom one by one: the blonde first, then the one with light brown hair, then the one exiting the stall left of Mrs. Garrison holding her nose, then the one exiting the stall right of Mrs. Garrison holding her nose. The farting and pooping is just too much] You guys try those new wings tampons? Do those work well?
Scene Description: South Park, day. A South Park Charter Transit bus stops and lets Stan and his friends off. Kyle walks ahead of them in gloomy silence
Stan: Kyle, you have to cheer up, dude. So you aren't built right for basketball.
Kyle: But I feel like a basketball player. That's all I wanna do. [Mrs. Garrison appears before them]
Mrs. Garrison: Hello, boys! It's me, your teacher! Mrs. Garrison! [her fingers are fanned out and she strikes that pose again. The boys are stunned]
Cartman: You guys, Mr. Garrison has titties.
Mrs. Garrison: [moving her hands over her body as if shedding a layer of skin] I had a sex-change operation. My penis is now a vagina and I'm experiencing womanhood for the first time in my life! See ya in class! [saunters off]
Scene Description: Kyle's house, dinner time. The family is at table eating
Kyle: Mom? Dad? What's a sex-change operation?
Gerald: [taken aback] What? Th'um, nuh-nothing. I- I'll explain it to you when you're a little older.
Kyle: But our teacher, Mr. Garrison? He just had his penis made into a vagina. How come?
Ike: Penis!
Gerald: Your teacher had a sex change?? Oh my God! [buries his face in his hands]
Ike: Vagina!
Gerald: That does it! I'm taking you boys OUT OF THAT SCHOOL! [sweeps his left arm across the table]
Sheila: Gerald, that is very closed-minded of you! You shouldn't judge people who want to change.
Gerald: He's a teacher! How are we supposed to explain this to our children?!
Sheila: [walks over and stands behind Kyle] It's very simple. [addresses Kyle] You see, Kyle, sometimes a person' outside doesn't reflect who they are on the inside.
Kyle: Yeah. That's right.
Sheila: They feel like they're somebody trapped in another person's body. And so, they can have a surgery [Kyle smiles and passes his hands over parts of his body he'd change] that makes them more into the person they see themselves as. Do you understand?
Kyle: Totally! I totally understand!
Sheila: There. You see, Gerald? He totally understands.
Scene Description: Trinidad Medical Center, day. Dr. Biber sits behind his desk
Dr. Biber: So, I hear you're interested in reconstructive surgery.
Kyle: Yeah. My school teacher wanted to be a woman, and you made him into one.
Dr. Biber: Oh yes, Mr. Garrison. Uh yes, he had a vaginoplasty. Mhm.
Kyle: Well, do you also do other surgeries like that?
Dr. Biber: Sure. You see sometimes a woman wants to be a man. That procedure is called a peniplasty.
Kyle: No, no, uh I wanna be tall and black.
Dr. Biber: ...You what?
Kyle: I hate being small and Jewish. I feel like a tall black man.
Dr. Biber: [tries to make sense of this in his mind, then] Ohhhhh! You want a negroplasty!
Kyle: Yeah! [big grin]
Stan: Wha-a-a negroplasty??
Dr. Biber: It's a fairly common procedure, really, just the reverse of a caucasioplasty just like Michael Jackson had. Let's take a look here. [Kyle follows Dr. Biber. Stan tails along. Dr. Biber stops and bends down towards Kyle, taking off his hat] What we do is slice your face and peel it back so we can insert now pigment producing cells inside. [draws a line along Kyle's forehead and left temple. Stan can't believe what he's seeing] We break the arm bones in several places and put braces to make them longer. [draws lines around the wrists] Now, the knees we need to snap off and fill with small round objects that can cause better movement. [draws two circles around the kneecaps] And we finish it off with a nice peniplasty to enhance the genitalia. [draws a circle around the crotch of Kyle's briefs] Negroplasty takes about seven hours and costs roughly three thousand dollars.
Stan: Uh excuse me, is this really a good idea?
Dr. Biber: Well, it's a good idea if you wanna be tall and black. Otherwise, I wouldn't recommend it.
Scene Description: Mrs. Garrison's house, night. Mrs. Garrison enters the kitchen carrying groceries. Mr. Slave is at the breakfast table moping
Mrs. Garrison: Hello, Mr. Slave. [sets them down on the counter] Boy have I been busy. A woman's work is never done. [begins taking the groceries out of the bags] I got some tampons. I should be getting my period really soon. I hope I don't get too emotional and drive you crazy with my PMS. [walks over to Mr. Slave hiding something behind her back, and says seductively] Mr. Slave, I got something for us, too. [brings forth a red negligéйe] Would you like to take this beautiful woman to bed?
Mr. Slave: No thanks.
Mrs. Garrison: [taken aback] Nu- no thanks? Come on, Mr. Slave, I wanna try out my new snootch.
Mr. Slave: I can't believe you just went ahead and had that surgery without even asking me what I thought.
Mrs. Garrison: Well, I ASSUMED you supported me. It's still me; I just have a vagina instead of a penis.
Mr. Slave: But I'm gay! I don't like vaginas!
Mrs. Garrison: Don't you even care that I was suffering? I wasn't happy the way I was!
Mr. Slave: It's great that you feel better, but you never stopped to think about how other people around you would feel!
Mrs. Garrison: Look, we can still be together. All you have to do is stop being gay!
Mr. Slave: How can you say that?! You're gay too!
Mrs. Garrison: I'm not gay! I'm a woman!
Mr. Slave: Oh, Jesus Christ! [turns around and heads for the front door]
Mrs. Garrison: Oh, so is that it?! [Mr. Slave opens the front door and walks out, leaving it open] You're just gonna walk out?! You men are all alike! Go ahead and find somebody who doesn't have a vagina, you fag! [slams his door shut]
Scene Description: Kyle's house, morning. Kyle runs into the living room with a paper in hand and faces his parents, who are sitting on the sofa. They're both reading the newspaper.
Kyle: Mom! Dad! I have awesome news! The doctor who gave Mr. Garrison his sex change said he can make me tall and black. [they look up. On Gerald's T-shirt is a picture of two dolphins jumping in the air]
Sheila: What??
Kyle: Dr. Biber said he can give me a negroplasty so I can finally look the way I've always wanted. He even took my picture and then did computer imaging to show what I would look like after the surgery. [shows the paper, which is a picture of ]
Gerald: Oh, just great! You see, Sheila?! This is what your transgender progressive thinking gets you! Now your son wants to be transracial!
Kyle: [quite excited] Can I have three thousand dollars, Mom and Dad, huh?? Can I??
Sheila: Absolutely not, Kyle!
Kyle: [let down] But why not? You said sometimes people need surgery to make them feel better about themselves.
Sheila: Yes, but Kyle-
Kyle: Well, all my life I felt I was black! I've listened to hip-hop, I watch UPN and I love playing basketball! My body doesn't reflect who I am inside.
Sheila: Kyle, you have to accept your body the way it is.
Kyle: Why? Why do I have to accept it when I can change it?
Sheila: The answer is NO, Kyle! You're NOT going to have negroplasty!
Kyle: But Jews can't play basketball! [this sets Gerald off and making him furious]
Gerald: KYLE, YOU'D BETTER STOP BEING ANTI-SEMITIC RIGHT NOW, MISTER!!
Kyle: [leaves the room and goes up the stairs, stopping halfway] I'm never speaking to either of you ever again! [continues up the stairs and goes to his room. His door is heard being shut. Gerald looks on as all this happens]
Gerald: [rises and leaves the sofa] Oh, that does it!
Sheila: Where are you going?!
Gerald: [stops by the coat rack next to the front door, grabs his coat and puts it on] That Dr. Biber is about to get his ass bitten off! [goes out the front door and slams it shut]
Scene Description: Trinidad Medical Center, day. Gerald approaches it with a file in hand. He enters Dr. Biber's office and closes the door. The doctor is setting behind his desk
Gerald: Who the hell do you think you are?!
Dr. Biber: Dr. Biber.
Gerald: What kind of nutjob would agree to surgically alter my son into a tall African-American?!
Dr. Biber: [leaves his chair and approaches Gerald] Oh, you're Kyle's father.
Gerald: Huh that's right! And I also happen to be a lawyer! And I'm gonna have you sued for malpractice, and your clinic shut down!!
Dr. Biber: What is that on your shirt?
Gerald: What th- Look, they're- They're dolphins! Why?
Dr. Biber: Ahhh you like dolphins, hm? [puts his hands together in an affectionate way]
Gerald: A b-uh I love dolphins, Ever since I was a child I dreamt of... Huh b-b-b- But that has hardly any bearing on what I'm hear to-
Dr. Biber: I can make you one.
Gerald: ...What?
Dr. Biber: Invert the back, move the esophagus to the top of the head. Yes, a full dolphinoplasty could be achieved relatively simply...
Gerald: [steps aside a little] Make me a... dolphin? [begins to daydream about life as a dolphin.]
Singer: If I could swim with the dolphins, the soft and gentle dolphins...Why can't I swim with the dolphins?
Gerald: ...No. [heads for the door] No, no, it's crazy.
Dr. Biber: There's nothing crazy about a person wanting to look on the outside the way they feel on the inside.
Scene Description: Girls Gone Wild commercial. In the background is a crowd of men, in the foreground, willing women
Announcer: It's Girls Gone Wild! [two women stand there looking at the camera, then lift their blouses all of a sudden and giggle. The words "Real Girls!" flash over their breasts] These girls will do anything! [another woman looks around, then flashes her breasts. The word "Wild!!" flashes over them. Two other women flash their boos. "Out of Control!" flashes over one woman, "Real Girls!" over the other. Mrs. Garrison sees an opportunity and comes forward to stand next to the women]
Mrs. Garrison: Oh jeez, should I do it?! Should I do it?! Oh what the hell! [flashes her boobs, which are not bleeped. They're set rather far apart. The other women look at the breasts and leave in disgust] Wooo! Huhuh, wooo!
Men: Awww!
Mrs. Garrison: Look, I'll giggle and make them bounce up and down! [jumps up and down] Heeheeheeheehee, heeheeheeheeheeheehee.
Scene Description: Later, at a bar after the video shoot...
Mrs. Garrison: [walks up to the bar, which has three women seated at it. One of them is a redhead with short, wavy hair] Oh boy, men will do just about anything to get a look at our tits, won't they? Men are all the same. My boyfriend walked out on me! Turns out he was a fag. But I've been livin' it up ever since, havin' sex with all kinds of different guys! Girl power! [approaches the redhead] You know, the strange thing is, I haven't gotten my period yet. Is there a reason a woman might miss her period?
Redhead: Well, normally, if a woman misses her period, it means she's pregnant.
Mrs. Garrison: ...Pregnant? [turns away and walks a bit] Oh my God. Of course. [the women at the bar glance back at him] I haven't gotten to experience a period because... one of those truckers I slept with got me knocked up. [turns around and shouts] I'm pregnant, everybody! Hoh boy, now I can have an abortion! [leaves the bar]
Scene Description: Kyle's house, night. Gerald returns home with a walker and a highly altered appearance. He now makes dolphin sounds and has a blowhole and dorsal fin on his back, and his legs have been joined together to make a flipper. His hands have been altered to look like ventral fins. He walks in the front door. His eyes are black from the alterations and his nose has been elongated.
Sheila: [seeing the new Gerald] Gerald! What happened to you?!
Gerald: That doctor is a miracle worker, Sheila. Iiii'm the happiest I've ever been. [approaches Ike] Look, Ike! You're daddy's a dolphin! [Ike just looks at him]
Sheila: A dolphin?!?!
Gerald: [turns around slowly to face her] Sheila, ih-it was wrong of us to be so judgmental of Kyle. If he isn't happy with who he is, then who are we to deny hm surgery that will make him feel better about himself? [his left eye twitches twice, each time accompanied by dolphin calls]
Sheila: [distraught] Gerald, this is crazy!
Gerald: I used to think I was crazy. But Dr, Biber told me that there are a lot of other people out there who are transspecies. All I did is change my appearance to look the way I felt... [places his right ventral fin to his heart] here. And I'm telling you now that if we don't let Kyle do the same, he may never be happy. Ever! We owe him more than that, Sheila. We owe him understanding! [his blowhole goes off]
Scene Description: The school bus stop, day. Stan, Kenny, and Cartman work on building a snowman. Butters runs up...
Butters: Fellas! Hey fellas, you gotta come see!
Stan: What?
Butters: Uhh, it's Kyle! Huh, he's a Negro! [runs off. The others follow.]
Scene Description: Kyle's house, later. Kyle, now tall and black, stands in the front lawn. Around him are Kevin, Clyde, Jason, Tweek, and Craig
Jason: Wow.
Craig: Can't believe it.
Clyde: Did it hurt?
Kyle: Yeah, but it was totally worth it. [Butters arrives with the other boys]
Stan: Jesus Christ, dude!
Kyle: Look, Stan, I'm finally whole! My dad is even gonna take me back down to the all-star game to see if I can try out for the team again!
Gerald: [at the front door] Come on, Kyle, we should get going!
Kyle: Alright, Dad! [trots off]
Stan: Dude, is Kyle's- dad a- dolphin?
Cartman: He's a Jewish dolphin. A Jewphin.
Scene Description: Planned Parenthood, day. In the reception area Mrs. Garrison reads magazines, but sees a woman seated near her.
Mrs. Garrison: You here for an abortion too? [she blinks] Yeah, I discovered a few days ago I wasn't bleedin' out my coo, so I guess I'm knocked up. Is this doctor any good?
Nurse: Mrs... Garrison?
Mrs. Garrison: Oh, that's me. [rises and follows the nurse in]
Scene Description: Planned Parenthood OR.
Mrs. Garrison: Hello doctor, looks like I need an abortion. [sits on the chair and puts his feet on the stirrups]
Doctor: ...an abortion?
Mrs. Garrison: Yeah, I've got one growing inside me. Now, are you gonna scramble its brains or just vacuum it out? [a nurse arrives and her jaw drops] ...If you want you can just scramble it and I'll queef it out myself.
Doctor: Mmister Garrison-
Mrs. Garrison: [correcting him] Mrs. Garrison.
Doctor: Mmrs. Garrison, you can't have an abortion.
Mrs. Garrison: Don't you tell me what I can and can't do with my body! [gets up, goes to the nurse, and hugs her] A woman has a right to choose!
Doctor: No, I mean you're physically unable to have an abortion, because you can't get pregnant.
Mrs. Garrison: But I missed my period.
Doctor: You can't have periods either. [Mrs. Garrison looks surprised] You had a sex change, Mr. Garrison, but you don't have ovaries or a womb. You don't produce eggs.
Mrs. Garrison: [sits down] You mean, I'll never know what it feels like to have a baby growing inside me and then scramble its brains and vacuum it out?
Doctor: N-that's right.
Mrs. Garrison: But I paid five thousand dollars to be a woman. This would mean I I'm not really a woman. Ih, I'm just a... a I'm just a guy with a mutilated penis!
Doctor: Basically, yes.
Mrs. Garrison: ...Oh boy, do I feel like a jackass.
Scene Description: Trinidad Medical Center, day. Mrs. Garrison enters the OR as Dr. Biber operates on a woman
Mrs. Garrison: Hey asshole!
Dr. Biber: Excuse me, I'm performing an operation here!
Mrs. Garrison: You told me you were going to make me into a woman!
Dr. Biber: I gave you a sex change.
Mrs. Garrison: Yeah?! Well what kind of woman can't have abortions and bleed out her snatch once a month?! You made me into a FREAK is what you did! And I want you to change me back!
Patient: Am I a man yet?
Dr. Biber: Mr. Garrison, I can't reattach your organs.
Mrs. Garrison: Why the hell not?!
Dr. Biber: Because I've already used your testicles to fashion new knees for a little boy who wanted to be tall and black.
Mrs. Garrison: You WHAT?!
Dr. Biber: And your scrotum has been made into a dorsal fin for a man who wanted to look more like a dolphin.
Mrs. Garrison: Oh you! You're comin' with me right now to find my balls and scrotum right now, Mr. Man! [pulls him out the door by the ear]
Scene Description: Denver Convention Center, night. "All-State Playoffs. Colorado vs. Wyoming" People crowd into the center. Inside, the two teams are practicing their shots on the court
Announcer: Welcome to the All-State Basketball Playoffs between the best fourth-grade players from Colorado and the best fourth-grade players from Wyoming. [cheers go up and Kyle arrives just in time]
Kyle: [panting] Coach! Coach, I'm all better. I'm ready to play.
Coach: Who are you?
Kyle: Ih it's me, Kyle Broflovski. I had a negroplasty. Can I play in the All-State team now?
Coach: Well, you're tall and black enough. All right, Broflovski, suit up!
Kyle: All right! [turns around and looks up the bleachers] Dad, I can play! [Gerald is on the steps with his walker]
Gerald: Alright Kyle! [tries to find a place to sit. An usher walks by] Excuse me, where do you have special seating for dolphins?
Scene Description: The school bus stop, day. Stan, Cartman and Kenny are almost finished with their snow man. A car pulls up. Mrs. Garrison and Dr. Biber jump out of the car.
Mrs. Garrison: Boys, have you seen Kyle?! He's not at home.
Stan: [points down the road] Kyle went down to play in the basketball game, Mrs. Garrison.
Dr. Biber: He's going to play basketball? Oh my God.
Mrs. Garrison: What?
Dr. Biber: Well, ah I only made him look like he could play basketball. If he actually does it, the testicle in his knees will explode! [Mrs. Garrison realizes instantly where her former testicles are]
Stan: What?! But you made him into a basketball player.
Dr. Biber: No, I just made him look more like one. We have to stop him from playing! Those testicles in his knees are ticking time balls!
Mrs. Garrison: Oh Jesus! Come on, boys! We've gotta get to my balls before Kyle hurts himself! [everyone gets into the car, and the car peels off]
Scene Description: Denver Convention Center, night. The Star-Spangled Banner is being sung
Singer: ...and the home of the... brave! [the lights come up and everyone cheers. The teams take the floor for the jump ball. The referee tosses the ball up and Colorado #32 taps the ball to his team]
Coach: Broflovski, be ready to take over for Owens.
Kyle: I'm a hundred percent ready, coach! [The stitches along his upper chest, arms, and cheeks are seen. The camera pans down to show the bandages on his elbows and knees and the stitches along his legs]
Scene Description: Denver Convention Center, by the restrooms in the hall. An usher stands nearby
Gerald: Eh excuse me, where, where is the bathroom for dolphins?
Usher: We don't... have one.
Gerald: Well where the hell am I supposed to go to the bathroom? I I need a large tank with salt water.
Usher: Ahhh- Too bad?
Gerald: Damnit you people have to make special arrangements for transspecies people like me! I may be a dolphin, but I'm also a lawyer!
Usher: You're a lawphin?
Scene Description: Denver Convention Center, outside, by the entrance. Mrs. Garrison, Dr. Biber and the boys approach the doors
Usher: Tickets please.
Mrs. Garrison: We don't have tickets!
Security guard: [appearing next to the usher] Sorry ma'am, no tickets, no entry.
Mrs. Garrison: Look, there's a boy with my balls in his knees and he's in serious danger!
Usher: What?
Mrs. Garrison: [looks past the men and points] My scrotum! [he sees Gerald talking to the usher by the restrooms] That dolphin has my scrotum! Now let us in!
Security guard: You can't go in, ma'am! [Mrs. Garrison delivers a right hook to the guard and the guard goes down. Mrs. Garrison and the others rush in. The guard gets up and calls for help on his walkie-talkie] We have unauthorized entry on level one!
Scene Description: Denver Convention Center, courtside. The Colorado team drives to the opposite basket. The coach addresses Kyle
Coach: All right. Broflovski, you're going in next possession.
Kyle: All right! [stands and feels pain in his knees. He soothes them] Ow. Hm. [goes to the locker room]
Scene Description: Denver Convention Center, by the restrooms. Mrs. Garrison and the others approach Gerald
Mrs. Garrison: Gerald, where's Kyle?!
Gerald: What? Why??
Mrs. Garrison: My balls are in his knees. If he jumps with them they'll explode!
Gerald: Oh my God! [Security guards swarm nearby]
Security guard: There they are, next to that dolphin!
Dr. Biber: Come on, we've gotta get to those balls! [The group rushes into the arena; the guards chase them and open fire]
Security guard: [the one who tried to stop them at the door] Stop them! They didn't pay the two-dollar entry fee!
Scene Description: Denver Convention Center, courtside. Kyle has suited up and now enters the game.
Announcer: Now substituting for Colorado, number 4, Kyle Broflovski. [Kyle goes in for #11, Owens. Stan and the others run down the steps towards the court, pursued by the guards.]
Stan: Oh Jesus, he's about to play! [Three of the guards get into position at the top of the stariway aisle and start shooting at them. Down by the court Dr. Biber takes a steel trash can and bashes one guard with it]
Gerald: [wrestles another guard over his walker] Mrs. Garrison, grab Kyle!
Mrs. Garrison: Which one is he?? [camera zooms out to show Colorado taking the ball and driving to the other basket. Kyle isn't seen in the shot. At the other end, Mrs. Garrison tackles a Wyoming player. The crowd gasps]
Wyoming Coach: Hey, what the hell?!
Gerald: Stop the game! [jumps high into the air and mows down a bunch of player upon landing. More gasps from the crowd. The loose ball ends up in Kyle's hands]
Kyle: I got it! I got the ball. [runs to his basket]
Stan: Kyle, NO! [Kyle dribbles and then jumps up towards the basket]
Announcer: Broflovski goes for the dunk!
Mrs. Garrison: NO! [the dunk is shown in smooth slow-motion, as is his next statement] My baaaallllssss. [the ball goes in, Kyle lands back on the floor, his knees bulge, then blow out, spraying testicles matter everywhere. His legs split in two at the knee and he falls backwards. Players on both teams and some of the spectators are hit by bits of testicle. Kyle is unconscious and the Colorado coach screams and runs off]
Scene Description: Denver Convention Center, outside. The police and paramedics have arrived and Kyle is sitting up on the gurney
Officer: So let me get this straight. That woman over there was trying to get to her balls which were in the knees of a black child whose father is a dolphin.
Stan: Yeah, that's basically it.
Officer: Sounds like an open and shut case. All right, let's head 'em out! [the police leave]
Dr. Biber: I'm sorry, Kyle, I should have told you the surgery was cosmetic only.
Gerald: So, does this mean I'm not really a dolphin?
Dr. Biber: Let's get you two up to the clinic and I'll change you back, for a nominal fee.
Kyle: But what about Mr. Garrison? He can't go back.
Mrs. Garrison: [thinks about that for a long moment] You know what? I'm okay. Even though I'm not truly a woman, I think I still like the new me. I'd rather be a woman who can't have periods than a fag. [newly confident] Hey guys! This girl is staying a woman! Who wants to pound my vadge! Girl power!