Scene Description: Mr. Garrison's classroom. The kids chat away as Token enters
Mr. Garrison: Okay, children. Let's take our seats. We have something very important to discuss. Due to recent events around the country I've been instructed to teach you all about sexual harassment in school.
Kyle: About what?
Mr. Garrison: Now, does anybody know what sexual harassment means? [Cartman raises his hand] Yes, Eric?
Cartman: When you're trying to have intercourse with a lady friend, and some other guy comes up and tickles your balls from behind.
Mr. Garrison: ...No, Eric! That's not what I'm talking about! The school board has sent over a special guest to teach us all about sexual harassment in schools. Please welcome Peetie, the Sexual Harassment Panda. [Peetie enters]
Peetie: [song and dance] Who lives in the east 'neath the willow tree? Sexual Harassment Panda Who explains sexual harassment to you and me? Sexual Harassment Panda "Don't say that! Don't touch there! Don't be nasty!" says the silly bear He's come to tell you what's right and wrong Sexual Harassment Panda Hi, boys and girls. [the class says nothing]
Mr. Garrison: Say "hi" to Sexual Harassment Panda!
Class: [hesitant] Hi, Sexual Harassment Panda.
Clyde: Hababah...
Peetie: [reaches behind the desk for a picture of two pandas in briefs] Did you know that when one little panda pulls on another little panda's underwear, that's sexual harassment? That makes me a sa-a-a-a-ad panda. [drops his head to one side]
Kyle: [to Stan] This is freaking me out, dude.
Peetie: [shows another picture of two pandas...] And when one little panda puts his furry little willy in another panda's ear, that makes me a very sad panda. [puts the picture away and gets some literature] Now, I'm going to pass out these booklets, and we're going to go through each and every sexual harassment law.
Class: Awgh..!
Scene Description: Five hours later...
Peetie: "...Article 36, Section 19: One panda may not make sexual comments about another panda's appearance. If said panda does make..."
Stan: Ohh, dude, get me out of here!
Cartman: I think Sexual Harassment Panda is cool.
Stan: You would think that, you little ass-sucker.
Cartman: What did you call me?
Stan: An ass-sucker. It means you suck ass. You see an ass, you suck it. You're an ass-sucker.
Cartman: [indignant] That does it! I am suing you for sexual harassment!
Peetie: Uh-oh.
Stan: What?
Cartman: You have... sexually harassed me for the last time! It says right here... that now I can sue you and take all of your money.
Peetie: That's right, he can.
Stan: No you can't, you little ass-sucker!
Cartman: Oh, you did it again! You all heard him!
Peetie: "The first party of the first panda may sue the second-party panda unless that panda was said panda aforementioned panda."
Scene Description: South Park Courthouse, day. The Honorable Judge Julie presiding
Judge Julie: This is Cartman vs. Marsh, Case No. 3433. What is your complaint, Mr. Cartman?
Cartman: Your Honor, my lawyer is just parking the car. He should be here any second.
Kyle: [sitting by Stan] Dude! He got a lawyer?
Gerald: [entering] Sorry I'm late.
Kyle: Dad?!
Gerald: Oh! Hi, Kyle. [moves to Cartman's side]
Judge Julie: All right. Let's move this along, shall we? Now, Eric Cartman, uh, you claim that Stan Marsh sexually harassed you in school.
Cartman: Th... That is correct, my honor.
Stan: Hoh, whatever! [rests his head on his left hand]
Cartman: He talked about having oral sex with my ass.
Stan: I called you an ass-sucker!
Cartman: Yes, that was it. I was suh-so upset. [sniffs, Gerald comforts him] I couldn't concentrate the rest of the day. And the way his eyes kept looking at me, slowly going up and down my body, like he was undressing me with his eyes. [hides his face in Gerald's coat and begins sobbing]
Stan: What?! Cartman, you call people names all the time!
Gerald: As you can see, Your Honor, my client is too upset to continue.
Judge Julie: Mr. Marsh, what do you have to say?
Stan: Wwhat do you mean?
Judge Julie: I need to hear your defense.
Stan: Uh... I'm eight?
Judge Julie: All right, this seems pretty open-and-shut. Stan Marsh, under the new Sexual Harassment in Schools law, I am forced to find you guilty.
Stan: Huh?
Gerald: All right, we did it!
Cartman: Hooray!
Judge Julie: Since the defendant is underage and has no monetary resources, it is the judgment of this court that 50% of Stan Marsh's belongings are to be handed over to Eric Cartman immediately.
Stan: I have to give him half my stuff?
Cartman: Sweet..!
Scene Description: Marsh residence. Cartman is present with Gerald and a collector in Stan's room
Cartman: Let's see. I want that Clown Criminy game [on the cabinet next to the door. The collector puts it into Cartman's box], and that Power Jim doll. [goes to Stan's toy box] And, let's see... [pulls out a Mega Truck] Do you really like this remote-controlled truck?
Stan: Yeah, dude. That's my favorite toy.
Cartman: Oh, well, I'll just take that, then. [tosses it into his box and reaches for a lizard] And what about this? Is this one of your favorites?
Stan: Uh, no! I hate that toy!
Cartman: Oh, then you won't mind if I take it! [tosses it into his box]
Stan: Damnit!
Collector: [approaches Gerald with two toys] Here you go. As your legal fee you can choose between the green choo-choo or the squishy football.
Gerald: Hm. [drops them and walks to Cartman] You know, Eric, I've been thinking, uh...
Cartman: Uh-huh? That model airplane kit? Go on.
Gerald: Uh, you know, the people really responsible for your harassment is the public schools. [Cartman looks through Stan's drawers] Perhaps we should sue them next.
Cartman: What? But uh, why should I sue the school?
Gerald: Well, because they're the ones that let this harassment go on. And, they have a lot more money. I think we could get a lot more out of this than half of Stan's belongings.
Cartman: Interesting. [the collector picks up a can and presses a button on it] Ooo, Stan's asthma inhaler. I want that. [rushes to grab it]
Scene Description: Courthouse, day. The gavel sounds. Cartman vs. South Park Elementary, The Immediate Party
Judge Julie: Answer the question. Did you know that sexual harassment was going on in the classroom?
Mr. Garrison: No, I had no freakin' idea!
Gerald: Mr. Garrison, do you know the definition of sexual harassment?
Mr. Garrison: Of course, and so does Mr. Hat. We do not tolerate sexual harassment!
Judge Julie: You are the witness here, Mr. Garrison, not Mr. Hat.
Mr. Garrison: I'm sorry, toots.
Gerald: Did you, or did you not, hear my client being called an ass-sucker?
Mr. Garrison: Yes.
Gerald: And you did nothing.
Mr. Garrison: Well, he is a little ass-sucker. [the audience laughs]
Judge Julie: [gaveling twice] Mr. Garrison, I will remind you that we are in court!
Mr. Garrison: Okay, baby, I'm sorry.
Scene Description: Later that day. Cartman vs. South Park Elementary, The Responsible Party
Gerald: Principal Victoria, were you aware that my client was being harassed at your school?
Principal Victoria: Well, not any more than any other student.
Gerald: Oh! So you admit that harassment goes on!
Principal Victoria: I don't know!
Gerald: You don't know?! You're the principal!
Principal Victoria: I can't be around every second!
Gerald: [staring her down] So it DOES go on!!!
Principal Victoria: All right, all right, I killed him. I hit him over the head and I cut up the body. I tried to burn him, but it wouldn't burn! Oh, the smell of it! I put the legs in garbage bags and hid the torso under a bridge. I HAD TO DO IT!! [beaks down on the stand] OH GOD!!!
Gerald: Principal Victoria, was Eric Cartman called an ass-sucker? Yes or no?
Principal Victoria: [composes herself] I believe so, yes. [the audience begins to murmur]
Man: That's sexual harassment.
Scene Description: The courthouse, still later. Cartman vs. South Park Elementary, The Expert Witness
Gerald: Last, I'd like to bring up my expert witness: Sexual Harassment Panda.
Peetie: [song and dance as he goes to the stand] Who lives in the caves 'neath the willow tree? Sexual Harassment Panda
Gerald: Expert witness, did South Park Elementary allow sexual harassment to go on?
Peetie: Well, when one little panda asks another little panda to perform oral sex, that is sexual harassment.
Gerald: And who's to blame?
Peetie: I'm afraid the law states that the school must be held responsible.
Gerald: There! You have it! Straight from the horse's mouth!
Peetie: Panda.
Gerald: Pan-Panda's mouth.
Scene Description: Cartman vs. South Park Elementary, The Verdict
Judge Julie: After careful review, it is the judgment of this court that South Park Elementary pays Eric Theodore Cartman $1.3 million in damages.
Gerald: All right! We did it, Eric!
Cartman: [takes his jacket off and twirls it around] It's time to celebrate, yeahIt's time to celebrate, yeah
Scene Description: Broflovski residence. It is literally bigger now - 50% taller, wider, deeper... Same with the garage, itself bigger than the house to it's right. The icicles are also bigger. Furniture movers come by with new furnishings for the new, big house. Two delivery men take a big-screen TV into the house
Gerald: That goes in the master bedroom. [Kyle walks up] Well, Kyle. What do you think of your new house?
Kyle: It's... big.
Gerald: Yes, it is big, isn't it? It is very big.
Kyle: Dad, if the school has to pay you and Cartman $1.3 million, where does that money come from?
Gerald: Well Kyle, schools have lots of money. You see, we all pay taxes, and part of that tax money goes to public schools, and it's from that money that we got our 1.3 million.
Kyle: [thinks a bit] And you don't see a problem with that?
Gerald: No. It's a very fragile system that nature has designed. All things flow into each other.
Kyle: You're trying to confuse me now, aren't you?
Gerald: Sort of, yeah.
Scene Description: Mr. Garrison's classroom, some days later. The alphabet strip, the poster, and the teacher's desk and chair are gone. Only the chalkboard remains. Mr. Garrison enters
Mr. Garrison: Okay, children, there's a few changes being made here at school, but lessons will go on as normal. Any questions? [Stan raises his hand. The desks, pictures, and numbers are gone] Yes, Stan?
Stan: Where's our desks?
Mr. Garrison: Right, desks. Well, a lot of cuts had to be made since the school's funding is short for lawsuits.
Stan: [huffs] You see, Cartman? You see what this has done?
Cartman: All I know is, I got this sweet digital watch and these cool shoes; I'm telling you guys, suing people kicks ass!
Clyde: Wow! I wanna sue somebody! [smiles at Bebe]
Bebe: Me, too. I wanna get a lawyer.
Class: Yeah!
Kenny: (Woohoo!)
Mr. Garrison: Well, let's just try to cope with the changes and do our schoolwork. Now, I'm gonna write a sentence on the board, and I want you to tell me the noun. [starts writing, with a nail. The sound just grates to the ear]
Class: [wincing] AAGGGHHH!!
Mr. Garrison: [turns to face the class] I know, I know. I'm sorry, children, but we can't afford chalk anymore. I have to write on the chalkboard with this rusty nail. Anyway, children, in the sentence, "The ball is red..." [loud scratching]
Class: [wincing] AAGGGGHHH!!
Scene Description: The offices of Broflovski and Jackson. Gerald is in his office looking out the window. His briefcase is open. Music starts for a commercial
Gerald: [turns around] Kids! Are you tired of being harassed at school? Sick of being called a homo? A farty-pants? A butt-... face? Then call me, Kyle's dad, and I'll help you [slams his briefcase shut] close the lid on sexual harassment in schools!
Bebe: [outside] After a boy in my class tried to put his tongue in my mouth, I knew I needed legal help. Kyle's dad helped me get a $1.6 million settlement, and this bright new shiny bicycle. Thank you, Kyle's dad! [rings her bell and rides away]
Clyde: [on a yacht, The Litigator, sunning himself] Kyle's dad got me 1.4 million, and he can do it for you, too. Just look at all these beautiful girls! [four of them come to cater to him]
Gerald: So call me, Kyle's dad. Because it's not about money, it's about... wait, what am I saying? Call me! [jumps for joy. This shot is frozen as the jingle is sung]
Singers: 'Kids picking on you? Well, don't be sad Just sue their asses with Kyle's dad ["Call now! 1-555-SUE THEM"]
Scene Description: South Park School Board meeting at South Park Elementary
Chairman: All right, what other cuts do we have to make to the school budget?
Woman: Uh, next we have Tom Morris. He plays Sexual Harassment Panda at the schools.
Chairman: Oh, right. We certainly can't afford him anymore.
Woman: I warn you, Mr. Evans, uh, Tom Morris takes his job a little seriously.
Peetie: [enters] Hello, sexual harassment cubs. Who lives in the caves 'neath the willow tree? Sexual Harassment Panda
Mr. Evans: Uh uh, have a seat, Mr. Morris.
Peetie: Who?
Mr. Evans: Uh... S-Sexual Harassment Panda.
Peetie: Oh, all right. [sits]
Mr. Evans: Uh-M-m-m-Mr. Morris, we at the school board have been thinking, and, we've decided that perhaps a "panda" isn't the best way to explain sexual harassment to children. [Peetie's head tilts]
Woman: You see, Mr. Morris, we believe that a panda doesn't really have anything to do with... sexual harassment. [long pause] At all.
Mr. Evans: ...I'm afraid we're just going to have to let you go.
Peetie: [rubs his eyes] I'm a sa-a-a-a-ad panda.
Scene Description: The courthouse, day. The dominoes begin to tumble. Pip vs. Cartman
Judge Julie: Eric Cartman, it is the judgment of this court that you sexually harassed Pip Philip at school.
Cartman: No way!
Pip: I won!
Cartman: This is ridiculous!
Judge Julie: You asked Pip to suck your... you know what. You must give Pip half your stuff, and the school must give Pip $1.6 million.
Principal Victoria: [Mr. Mackey sits with her] Oh, dear God!
Gerald: Wow, I'm good!
Judge Julie: Next!
Scene Description: Craig vs. Wendy. They go to their respective podiums. The boys have left
Craig: This girl touched my thigh.
Judge Julie: Half her belongings, school is sued for 2.1 million.
Principal Victoria: We're ruined!
Judge Julie: Next!
Scene Description: Mr. Mackey vs. Tweek. They go to their respective podiums.
Mr. Mackey: Uh, Your Honor, this young man commented on the shape of my ass.
Tweek: [hops] Guh!
Judge Julie: Half his stuff, 2 million from the school.
Principal Victoria: Oh..! [faints right off the chair]
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, class time, barren classroom
Mr. Garrison: Okay, children, let's all take our seats. We have a lot to learn today. [gets out the rusty nail, but turns to see the class with Mr. Broflovski in the back] Oohh-kay. Uh, Clyde, can you tell me when Ulysses S. Grant was president?
Clyde: Um...
Gerald: [admonishing] Don't answer that!
Mr. Garrison: Uh, Craig, how about you?
Craig: Um... [Gerald whispers in his ear] Okay. I refuse to answer on the grounds that it may incinerate me.
Gerald: [whispers] Incriminate.
Craig: Incriminate.
Mr. Garrison: [angrily] Okay, children, I'm having a real problem with you all having lawyers. It is really disrupting class time! [Gerald approaches and whispers in his ear] Uh huh. Ri-oh, uh oh, I see. Oh, okay. Ri-ight. [Gerald leaves] Kids, what I meant to say is that I fully condone you all having lawyers and support your legal recourses in every way. Now, let's get back to Ulysses S. Grant, if that's okay with you, uhum...
Scene Description: Cafeteria. The boys are in line. At least the tables are still there
Kevin: [to Red] Let's trade sandwiches.
Scene Description: The kitchen. The poster and menu board are missing, but the counter is there
Chef: Hello there, children!
Boys: Hey, Chef.
Chef: How's it going?
Stan: Bad.
Chef: Well, they're about to get worse. All I can serve you for lunch is lumpy potatoes.
Cartman: Lumpy potatoes?! Oh, no!
Chef: Sorry, children. All my funding's been cut.
Cartman: Oh my God! You guys have to do something!
Stan: Chef, how can we stop all these sexual assment lawsuits?
Chef: I don't know, children. [to Kyle] Why don't you ask your dad? He's a lawyer, ain't he?
Kyle: I've tried talking to him, but he doesn't want the lawsuits to stop. He's making too much money.
Chef: Well, somebody else has got to know all about this sexual harassment whosafudge.
Kyle: Hey, what about that stupid panda?
Stan: Yeah, Sexual Harassment Panda. He's the one that started all this. We have to find him!
Chef: Well, I hope you do. Otherwise, it's lumpy potatoes from here on out.
Cartman: Noooo! [runs out]
Scene Description: South Park School Board meeting
Mr. Evans: That's thirty-two more lawsuits in the past twenty-four hours.
Woman: Oh my God!
Mr. Evans: Looks like we'll have to cut all counseling and nutrition programs.
Woman: The children have started suing adults. They could sue us next.
Mr. Evans: Holy smokes, you're right!
Stan: [enter with Kyle, Cartman, Kenny] 'Scuse me. We'd like to speak with Sexual Harassment Panda, please.
Mr. Evans: Ugh! [he and the other members hide behind their chairs] P-please! Don't sue us.
Kyle: [confused] Huh?
Man: We'll give you anything you want.
Stan: We want Sexual Harassment Panda.
Mr. Evans: Oh! Well, uh... We had to let him go.
Cartman: What?!
Mr. Evans: [ducks and rises again] D'uh. I mean, he left.
Stan: Well, where is he?!
Woman: We don't know! Honestly, I swear it! Please!! Let us go!
Stan: What the hell is wrong with these people?!
Scene Description: The Company
Company rep: Well. Uh, your credentials are very impressive, and you do seem to have a lot of ambition, uh but I'm afraid there's no room for you at our company at this time.
Peetie: It's because I'm a panda, isn't it?
Company rep: Well, i-it is because you're a panda. Euh, it's because you're a sexual harassment panda.
Peetie: I can't help what I am.
Company rep: Now, have you ever heard of a retreat called "The Island of Misfit Mascots"?
Peetie: Well, yes, but that place is for loser mascots that make no sense.
Company rep: Well, uh, yes. They may be... just what you're looking for.
Peetie: I don't have to sit here and listen to this! How would you like a big panda punch in your puss?!
Scene Description: Special Report: Sexual Harassment
Reporter: As sexual harassment lawsuits increase all over the state, the mother of all trials is set to begin. The sexual harassment case of Everyone vs. Everyone begins tomorrow. No matter what the outcome, the public schools are sure to lose at least a whopping $30 million. Representing the side of Everyone is Gerald Broflovski, the lawyer from South Park who plans to make quite a commission. Representing the side of Everyone Else is Gerald Broflovski. So whatever the outcome, things look very bright for Kyle's dad. Personally, I think Kyle's dad is just a whore, taking advantage of everyone in town and... [a note is handed to him] This just in! Newscaster Kevin McCarty is being sued by Kyle's dad for slander. The newscaster has yet to be reached for comment. Wait...
Scene Description: South Park Bar. Cool Beer In Here. A jukebox plays. Peetie sits at the bar, and three unsavory patrons, two of them seated, study him.
Jukebox: Some days just seem lonely Still, there don't seem to be no end in sight...
Barkeep: Another scotch? [Peetie nods affirmatively, and the barkeep serves up another scotch. Peetie sips]
Jukebox: So I'll drive this ol' 18-wheeler down the highway...
Standing Patron: Hey! Panda bear! [Peetie lowers his drink to look at him] We don't take kindly to your types in here.
Barkeep: Now, calm down, Skeeter. He ain't hurtin' nobody.
Skeeter: No! [approaches Peetie] I wanna know som'in' from Mr. Panda Bear here! If you pandas are from mountainous areas of China and Tibet, how come you eat bamboo, which is prone to grow only in drier, more arid regions?! [Peetie has no answer]
Barkeep: Sk-heeter, I don't want no trouble nu-how.
Peetie: It's okay. I get it. There's no room in the world for pandas. Well, you don't have to worry about me! I'm off to the Island of Misfit Mascots! [rises and goes out the door. Skeeter watches him go]
Barkeep: Damnit, Skeeter! How come every time a panda bear come in here you gotta go flappin' your jaw?
Scene Description: Broflovski residence. Now it has massive front doors, five stories, and a water fountain just to the right of the doors. The garage itself is bigger than the house next to it. And the icicles are bigger, too. More furniture arrives
Gerald: [Kyle arrives] Well? What do you think, Kyle?
Kyle: Dad? Don't you think our last new house is big enough?
Gerald: Well, this one is bigger!
Kyle: Tomorrow's trial, Everyone vs. Everyone, is gonna make things a lot worse! We have to stop it!
Gerald: [kneels] Kyle, let me explain something to you.
Kyle: [annoyed, looks askance] Hoh God, here we go.
Gerald: You see, Kyle, we live in a liberal, democratic society. And Democrats make sexual harassment laws. These laws tell us what we can and can't say in the workplace. And what we can and can't do in the workplace.
Kyle: Isn't that fascism?
Gerald: No, because we don't call it fascism. Do you understand?
Kyle: Do you?
Gerald: [rises] Just look at how big this house is, Kyle. Just look at it.
Scene Description: South Park Bar. Stan, Cartman and Kenny enter. The three patrons are still there
Stan: [enters] 'Scuse me.
Barkeep: Yeah? What can I do for you?
Stan: Somebody told us they saw a big panda bear in here.
Barkeep: Big panda bear, big panda bear, hm...
Skeeter: Hey! Eight-year old! We don't take kindly to your types in here.
Barkeep: Now, calm down, Skeeter. They ain't hurtin' nobody.
Skeeter: No! [approaches Stan] I wanna know som'in' from Mr. I'm Eight Years Old here! How come you types are always wearin' them funny padded shirts in the winter?!
Stan: ...Coats?
Barkeep: Now, Skeeter, I don't want no trouble.
Patron with hat: [pointing at Stan] We don't take kindly to your types around here!
Stan: Dude, what the hell is going in?!
Cartman: Did you guys see a big panda bear in here, or not?
Skeeter: [pounds the counter] We don't take kindly to panda bears!
Stan: Well, we don't take kindly to you!
Patron with hat: [pointing at Stan] Well, we don't take kindly to folks that don't take kindly around here. [they look anew at each other, and nothing more is said among them]
Barkeep: Kids, there was a panda bear in here. He said somethin' about the Island of Misfit Mascots.
Cartman: Where's that?
Barkeep: If I'm not mistaken, it's over near the Jenkins' place.
Stan: Come on, we'd better hurry. [the boys make their way past the men and leave]
Skeeter: Whoa! Lookie her! [a blonde sits alone at the bar] Hey! Beautiful woman! [she sips a beer and lowers the bottle] We don't take kindly to your types around here!
Barkeep: Nu-how, Skeeter. She ain't hurtin' nobody.
Scene Description: Courthouse, next day. Everyone vs. Everyone begins. Everyone is chattering in the audience
Judge Julie: This is Case No. 47g, Everyone vs. Everyone. [gavels, and all fall quiet] Representing the side of Everyone is Gerald Broflovski.
Gerald: Thank you, Your Honor. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, Everyone has committed a crime here, and Everyone must pay for that crime. My client, Everyone, has been hurt by this crime and must be compensated.
Scene Description: The Island Of Misfit Mascots Commune. The boys reach the front gate
Stan: [reads] "Island Of Misfit Mascots Commune". This must be the place. [they enter]
Worm: Hello there, boys.
Stan: Whoa! Who are you?
Worm: I'm Willy, the "Don't Stare Directly Into The Sun" Worm. Now, you boys know not to stare directly into the sun, right?
Boys: Yes.
Willy: That can burn your retinas and make you blind. [pulls out some shades and a cane, puts on the shades, and sticks the cane out, to simulate a blind person, then puts his props away]
Stan: ...Thanks a lot, dude.
Pig: [rushes up snapping two pairs of scissors around] Oink oink! Be sure to run around with scissors, says Oinky, the "Run Around With Scissors" Pig.
Cartman: I thought you weren't supposed to run around with scissors.
Willy: That's why he's on the Island Of Misfit Mascots. [Oinky walks away]
Stan: Have you seen any panda bears?
Willy: Hm...
Falcon: [shows up behind the boys] Hey, kids! I'm Jimmy, the "Don't Hold On To A Large Magnet While Someone Else Uses A Fan Nearby" Falcon!
Kyle: What??
Jimmy: Here, watch. [hands a large magnet to Kenny, then walks to a wind-generating fan and turns it on. As the blades rev up, the magnet tugs at Kenny]
Kenny: (You guys, come get this fucking magnet noooowwww!) [the magnet pulls him into the blades, and he's chopped up into bits] (Argh-!)
Jimmy: See?
Stan: Oh my God! They killed Kenny!
Kyle: You bastards! [looks further on] Hey! There he is! [Peetie, the Sexual Harassment Panda, seated on a bench while a whale and an octopus dance to his song]
Peetie: Who lives in the caves 'neath the willow tree? Sexual Harassment Panda [the boys rush up, and the whale and octopus leave]
Stan: Dude, are we glad to find you! You have to come back to South Park, quick!
Peetie: Why?
Kyle: Because! Everyone is suing everyone else, and you're pretty much the cause of it all!
Peetie: Seems all I do now is cause trouble.
Badger: Hello, kidsh, I'm Hoppy, the "Don't Do Stuff That Might Irritate Your Inner Ear" Badger. [a long silence follows as the boys look at Hoppy] Well, I'll leave now.
Stan: Please, Sexual Harassment Panda. People listen to you. You have to get them to stop suing each other.
Peetie: But, I'm just a panda.
Kyle: No you're not, dude! You're a guy in a panda costume! [All mascots within hearing distance turn to see the cause of this outburst]
Willy: [rushes over to Peetie and the boys] Heeyy, I'm a real worm, pal!!
Kyle: Okay, sorry, sorry.
Cartman: You're-you're a worm. That's that's cool, that's cool.
Stan: [to Peetie] Okay, yyou are a panda. But being Sexual Harassment Panda isn't helping anyone right now. You used to use your panda powers to teach people about sexual harassment. But now you need to teach a new message. A new massage that people will find useful again.
Peetie: What message?
Kyle: That people shouldn't sue each other all the time.
Peetie: ...You know? You little cubs might just be right.
Willy: Yeah!
Peetie: [jumps up and stands] Okay!
Scene Description: Courthouse. Closing arguments begin.
Gerald: Your honor, I'd like to make my closing arguments.
Kyle: [bursting in] Wait! [Stan, Cartman, and Peetie follow]
Mr. Garrison: Hey, it's Sexual Harassment Panda.
Stan: [faces the audience] No! He's a whole new panda now, and he's got something to say.
Peetie: Hello, everyone. I'm Peetie, the "Don't Sue People" Panda.
Jimbo: "Don't Sue People" Panda? [the bar patrons are present]
Skeeter: [stands up] Hey! We don't take kindly to folks that don't sue people 'round here!
Barkeep: Nuhow, Skeeter, he ain't hurtin' nobody.
Peetie: Listen to me: when you sue somebody, it hurts everyone. You sue for money, but where do you think that money comes from? From the schools, from taxes, from the state. From you. [The courtroom is silent, listening] There's no such thing as free money. When you sue somebody, you take money away from parks and schools and charities, and put it in your own pocket. And that makes me a sa-a-a-a-ad panda. [reactions are seen in the faces of various people in the courtroom, even in Gerald's face.]
Bearded man: I'm a sad panda, too.
Man 1: I'm a really sad panda. I didn't know we were doing all that damage. This is all that damn lawyer's fault! [people get angry at Gerald]
Man 2: [rises] Yeah! Let's sue the lawyer!
All: [rising] Yeah!
Gerald: [approaches Peetie and the boys] No! Don't you see? Th-the panda's right. Boy, what a great message he has! When you sue people, you just end up causing a lot of problems for society. Uhwell, I've really learned something today. All I could see was the millions of dollars coming to me and I didn't care about where the money came from. Well, I'm no longer doing sexual harassment lawsuits in schools! They're too vague and two easily corruptible. Thank you, Sexual Harassment Panda!
Peetie: "Don't Sue People" Panda.
Gerald: Yeah, well, whatever, sooo let's... not... sue anyone again. Okay, come on, guys. Let's go get some ice cream!
Peetie/Boys: Hooray!
Peetie: Pandas love ice cream. [Gerald, Peetie, and the boys leave the courtroom]
Judge Julie: Well, seeing as we have no lawyers, I'm throwing the case out. Case dismissed! [gavels and leaves the bench]
Skeeter: [people in the audience leave] Hey! We don't take too kindly to cases being dismissed around here!
Barkeep: [passing by] God damnit, Skeeter, shut the hell up.
Scene Description: Public Service Announcement
Peetie: Hello, cubs. I'm "Don't Sue People" Panda, with an important message for you! Lawsuits damage our society. I know it's tempting to make money, but just remember: that money has to come from somewhere. And usually, it ends up hurting a lot of innocent people. So, until next time, don't let frivolous sexual harassment lawsuits ruin our schools. Good-bye now. [walks off]


Scene Description: The Cartman house, night. Cartman's room. Cartman plays off-camera while his plush lizard, Rumpertumskin, sits on the bed. Cartman does all the voices...
Rumpertumskin: [as Loveless] Heheheheh! Now I will kill the President and Salma Hayek!
Polly: [as Salma Hayek, tied to a cross standing in for railroad tracks] Oh, save me! Who will save me?
Cartman: [in cowboy gear, and six-shooter] I will! James West, cowboy and rap star! [whips out Clyde from behind his back] Quick, Artemus Clyde Frog! We've got to save Salma Hayek!
Clyde Frog: [as Artemus] If we save her, I am going to take off her pants and play Slip'N'Slide!
Cartman: Are you okay, Salma Hayek?
Polly: Yes, but I need to get out of here and eat some tacos and burritos. Me gusta tacos mucho!
Rumpertumskin: You cannot stop me, James West!
Cartman: Look out, Artemus Clyde Frog! It's a giant metal spider! [tosses Clyde aside, aims at a plush spider hanging on the edge of his toy box and fires] Bang! Bangbang! [strafes and performs a cartwheel] Yoyoyo, jiggity jiggy with it! Bang bang bang! [tosses a baseball at the spider and knocks it out of the box] We saved the day! The Wild Wild West, The Wild Wild Wild West. Uhyo wicky wicky scratch, Uh wicky wicky scratch... [the door opens]
Liane: [nicely dressed, looks in] Eric. [he turns around and drops his shades and the gun] The babysitter's here. Come on downstairs.
Cartman: [begging] But mmmooom, I'm playing Wild Wild West.
Liane: I have to leave soon, Eric.
Cartman: But mom, me and Artemus Clyde Frog still have to do our love scene with Salma Ha-yek.
Liane: Come down as soon as you're done. [exits and closes the door]
Cartman: [begins to rap] Well, I'm a badass cowboy living in a cowboy's Age wicky wicky scratch yo yo bang bang Me and Artemus Clyde Frog go save Salma Hayek from the big metal spider Wicky wicky wick, wicky wicky wick, Fresh Cowboy from the Westside-
Scene Description: The kitchen. Liane fixes herself as Shelly looks on
Liane: Thank you so much for babysitting little Eric, Shelly.
Shelly: Okay.
Liane: All those other babysitters won't come back.
Shelly: I charge $5 for the first hour, 5% bumps every hour after that up to six hours, which enters into golden time.
Liane: Oh, that sounds fine. I'm going to a meteor shower party. The number where I'll be is on the refrigerator. Eric's nookie time is 9 o'clock sharp. If his little woogums get cold, you can turn up the heat over here. And if he gets cranky, just play tummy-rub-rubs with him, and make sure he wipes good after he makes bears.
Shelly: Bears?
Liane: Oh! And don't mind the cat. She's just being loud because she's in heat.
Scene Description: The living room. Cartman is on the sofa watching TV now, and Kitty is near him
Kitty: Meowrowr!
Cartman: No, Kitty! I don't have anything!
Kitty: [starts rubbing her ass against the sofa] Meow rowrrowrrowrrowrrowr!
Cartman: What the hell is wrong with you?! Stop it, Kitty!
Kitty: [looks at him with her ass up in the air] Rowrrowrrowrrowrrowr!
Cartman: No Kitty, that a bad God-damned kitty! [Kitty runs away]
Liane: [enters with Shelly] Okay, muffin. Mommy's leaving now. You do what the babysitter tells you, okay?
Cartman: [absently] Uh-huh.
Liane: Be good.
Cartman: [huffs] Right.
Liane: Come give Mommy Eskimo kisses! [kneels next to Cartman]
Cartman: Aw, Ma.
Liane: Eskimo kisses for Mom-my!
Cartman: [mad] Jesus Christ. [drops to the floor, and they rub noses]
Liane: Bye, kids. [gets up and leaves the house]
Cartman: [now approaches Shelly] Well, go put that pizza in the oven, bitch! I'm hungry! [she punches him into the wall, which leaves an impact site with paint fallen off] Ow!
Shelly: Alright, turd, listen up! Now that your mom is gone, I'm in charge. I don't know how you treat your other babysitters, but when I'm babysitting, you're nothing but a little turd. You're a stinky dried-up stupid turd! Got it?!
Cartman: You can't hit me! Didn't you see those nanny videos on TV? [she punches him, sending him into the wall again]
Shelly: My boyfriend is coming over, so you go to the kitchen, and you make us that pizza before I snap you in half like the little turd-stick you are!
Cartman: You're not allowed to have people over!
Shelly: [takes the remote] Move! [points towards the kitchen, and Cartman eventually rises and goes there]
Scene Description: The kitchen. Cartman walks to the refrigerator
Cartman: This is bullcrap! [strains to open the freezer, but fails] I can't reach the freezer!
Shelly: [from the living room] Figure it out, turd!
Cartman: [huffs] God dammit! [goes for a chair and props it up in front of the refrigerator. As he hops onto the chair, Kitty walks in still pining] Shut up, Kitty! [turns and sees the note on the freezer door, then grabs it and reads it] Any problems, contact Eric's Mommy at 303... Aha! [hops off the chair, moves it back to the table, and sits on it. He grabs a telephone] I'm gonna call mom and tell her that the babysitter is having her boyfriend come over! Then we'll see who's the turd! [he picks up the receiver, only to find a familiar voice on the line]
Shelly: ...So I said, "you're a little turd!" and he w-
Cartman: [hangs up] Dammit! [waits for a moment, then picks up the receiver again. Kitty now pines on the stove]
Shelly: ...But when you've seen one turd, you've seen them all. [hangs up, waits, then picks up again] ...stupid turd! The one night-
Cartman: Ey! I need to use the phone!
Shelly: Oh. Hold on a second, Carrie. [enters the kitchen and pulls Cartman's underwear over his back and head, blinding him]
Cartman: Ey! Aaah! Uh-ow! Ah! [she leaves and he picks up the receiver again]
Shelly: I placed his underwear over his head.
Cartman: [hangs up and puts his underwear back in place. Kitty resumes meowing] I'm gonna get her, Kitty! Mark my words!! [her meows are persistent] SHUT THE HELL UP, KITTY!! [Kitty screeches and dashes out of the kitchen]
Scene Description: The living room. Cartman watches TV
Announcer: And now, back to the movie of the week, Aliens.
Newt: [to Ripley] They mostly come at night, mostly.
Cartman: [echoing Newt] They mostly come at night, mostly. [Shelly comes in and tosses Cartman off the sofa, then changes the channel to Friends. Cartman returns to the sofa] Ey, I was watching Aliens on TV!
Shelly: Well, I'm watching Friends, turd! [the doorbell rings] That's my boyfriend. Go answer the door while I make sure I don't have food in my braces. [Cartman answers the door and looks at a young man in baseball cap and leather jacket]
Dude: Hey there, is Shelly around?
Cartman: Who the hell are you?
Dude: I'm the guy who's gonna put a boot up your ass if you don't tell me where Shelly is!
Shelly: [appears at the door] Hey, Skyler.
Cartman: You know this guy?
Shelly: He's my boyfriend! [Cartman studies him]
Cartman: Christ, he's like 50 years old!
Shelly: He's 22! [Cartman studies him some more]
Cartman: Dude, that's not cool.
Shelly: You're a turd! You're the Turdman of Alcatraz!
Skyler: Ye Yeah-ha.
Cartman: Dude, when my mom finds out that my babysitters have their boyfriends over, she mostly gets really mad, mostly. [Skyler enters and pulls Cartman's underwear over Cartman's head. Shelly grins and Skyler drops him.] Yaaah. Eeyy! Ey, God dammit!
Shelly: Turd wedgie. Come in the kitchen, Skyler. There's refreshments [giggles and takes his hand. They walk to the kitchen. As they pass the sofa, Kitty is looking at TV]
Announcer: And now, back to Wild Animal World
Host: [a lion follows a lioness around] Here in the more arid regions of Africa, the gold-coat lions are in the throes of mating season. [Kitty watches intently as the lion overtakes the lioness. The lioness lays down] The male lion positions himself behind the female and prepares to insert his lionhood. Notice his large swollen balls. [Kitty meows loudly with excitement as the lion does his stuff] The female lion relaxes her body and says "hello" to Mr. Winky. [Kitty continues meowing. The lioness rolls over on her back] The male lion is enticed by the female's supple breasts and firm backside. [The lion moves away] Quickly and suddenly, the male is finished. Now he wants to be alone, so he kindly asks the female to leave. He promises he'll call her tomorrow. But the female doesn't leave. Nope, she's moving right in. Looks like the male lion... is screwed. [lion and lioness relax as the sun sets. Kitty is almost beside herself, rubbing her ass against the rug]
Scene Description: The kitchen. Cartman cooked the pizza after all. Shelly and Skyler finish it
Skyler: Mmmmm. [tries to kiss her]
Shelly: No, Skyler. Quit it.
Skyler: Come on, babe. How long have we known each other?
Shelly: Eight days tomorrow.
Skyler: And I still don't get any action.
Shelly: I don't know, Skyler. It's just kind of strange to me that you're 22 and all.
Skyler: But I'm still in high school. I told you: I'm a very immature 22-year old.
Shelly: Well, maybe just one kiss.
Skyler: Mmmmm [kisses her on the lips, but Cartman intrudes]
Cartman: Hey, what are you doing? [Skyler pulls back quick]
Skyler: Beat it, chubby!
Shelly: Go on, Astroturd!
Skyler: Mmmmm [a tongue-kiss]
Cartman: I'm gonna tell my mom on you.
Shelly: Turd Rock From the Sun!
Cartman: Ey! You ate all the pizza!
Shelly: We left you some crusts! [tosses some to him]
Cartman: That does it! I'm calling my mom right now, and bustin' your ass! [she snatches the note from him and sends him into the wall with one jab]
Shelly: Guess again, Richard the Turd!
Cartman: Give me that phone number!
Skyler: Come on, babe. Let's go to the living room. [they leave]
Cartman: [rises] I am not gonna be bossed around by a chick! [thinks for a moment] Maybe I'll just use my Wild Wild West techniques and get proof that Shelly had a boyfriend over.
Kitty: [walks in] Meow.
Cartman: God dammit, Kitty, you have to calm down! Here, I'll get you some catnip. [goes to the sink, opens the doors, and starts looking]
Kitty: Meow.
Cartman: Okay, okay, hold on, I'm finding the catnip. [pulls out a box of Playful Pussy Catnip and pours some onto the floor in front of Kitty]
Kitty: Meowrowrowrowrowrowrowrowr. [still longing for consummation, she jumps all over the kitchen knocking things over]
Scene Description: The living room. Skyler strums on the guitar as Shelly listens
Skyler: Red Rocket spills my icy soul. Demons from Hell seek the chosen one!
Shelly: You're such an amazing poet, Skyler.
Skyler: [putting the guitar aside] Isn't this guitar awesome? It's the best of its kind, and not a scratch on it. [reaches over to kiss Shelly]
Shelly: [holding him off] Skyler, not here.
Skyler: I can't help it. I see your pretty lips and I want to kiss them. [draws her close]
Shelly: [giggles] Really?
Skyler: I cherish you, almost as much as I cherish my guitar.
Shelly: Wow!
Skyler: When I make it to the big time, I'm gonna take you shopping, and buy you lots of badass stuff.
Shelly: O Skyler, I love you. [their lips lock]
Skyler: Mmmmm. [A flash bulb goes off and Shelly stands up on the sofa]
Shelly: What the-?
Cartman: [with Polaroid camera in hand and a fresh picture] Aha, charade you are! Looks like you're the turd now!
Shelly: [lunges after Cartman] Give me that picture!
Cartman: Aaaaa! [runs away, and she gives chase. He runs up the stairs, but she catches up and grabs him by the foot halfway up the stairs. He kicks her off, then hurries to his room, closing the door on her as she reaches him] Yes!
Shelly: Open this door, Turdledove!
Cartman: I think not! I'm gonna show this picture to my mom when she gets home!
Shelly: Your mom doesn't get home for three more hours! That's plenty of time for me to make a turd sandwich out of you. [Cartman is shocked at the possibility]
Scene Description: later that night
Shelly: [banging on Cartman's door] Give me that picture, turd!
Cartman: You're never gonna get this picture! Not until my mom comes home and I can prove you had a boyfriend over heuh!
Shelly: [in the hallway] I'm gonna bust this door down! [starts banging on the door again. Kitty is meowing]
Cartman: [sees his toy frog on the bed and walks over] What should we do, Artemus Clyde Frog? [dons his cowboy hat]
Clyde: [with his Wild Wild West shades on] We've got to get that picture to your mom so that she will come home and save us.
Cartman: Oh, that's quick thinking, Artemus Clyde Frog. [doffs his hat and sees Kitty on his dresser rubbing her ass on the wall. He walks over] Listen very carefully, Mr. Kitty. I am putting this picture of the babysitter and her boyfriend on your collar. [the banging subsides] You have to take this picture to Mommy, Kitty, so that she can come home and save me. [walks to the window and sets Kitty on the sill] Now run, Kitty. Take this picture to Mommy, and lead her back here. When you return, be sure to bring Mom in through the back door. Hurry, Kitty! You're my only hope! [Kitty jumps from the window to the garage roof, then from the roof to the trashcan, then to the ground] That's it! That's it, Mr. Kitty! [Kitty ends up at the front door]
Kitty: Meow. Meow. [the door opens and Shelly takes her in]
Cartman: Oh! God dammit!
Scene Description: The living room. Shelly takes the picture and the door bell rings
Shelly: Who is that?!
Skyler: Oh, I invited the guys in the band over, so that we can practice. [moves to answer the door]
Shelly: Skyler, your band can't practice here.
Skyler: Hey, do you want me to make it or not?! Don't stand between me and my dreams, babe! [opens the door and the bandmates come in] 'Sup Mark? [carrying drums] 'Sup up. Jonesy? [carrying other drums]
Shelly: Just keep the volume down! I have to go deal with Turdboy. [walks away]
Scene Description: Cartman's room. Shelly knocks on the door
Cartman: Hey! Who was that?! Who came to the door?!
Shelly: [faking concern] Hey Eric! Your mom's been in an accident!
Cartman: [wary] You just want me to open the door!
Shelly: We need to run over to the hospital and identify her body! We'll be right back.
Cartman: What?? Ih- is she okay?
Shelly: Not really. She's dead.
Cartman: Huh?! [quickly opens the door]
Shelly: [enters] Haha! That was a turd trick. Your mom isn't really dead!
Cartman: Aha! I knew it was a turd trick, and I opened the door because Mr. Kitty is on his way right now to my mom's party with the picture!
Shelly: HAha! I knew you sent the cat, and that's why I went outside and got him!
Cartman: Haaha! I saw you get the picture back from Mr. Kitty, and that's why I wrote a letter to the press! To be opened in the case of my demise! Should anything happen to me, that letter will go out, and you will never find it!
Shelly: [walks to a dresser] You mean this one? [hold out the letter she finds]
Cartman: O-kay! Let's see heuh. Haha! Um... Aw, dammit! [he turns away defeated, and she gives him another wedgie over the head] AAAAH! [she pulls him downstairs by his underpants and enters the living room. Cartman groans at every step he hits]
Scene Description: living room. Shelly drags Cartman past the band and hurls him onto the coatrack
Skyler: Okay, check check, check, 1, 2, check. Okay, ready? All right, let's try the new song. This is a song I wrote for you, Shelly. [points at her and winks. She sits on the sofa, happy] 1, 2, 1, 2, 3, 4 When I saw her walking down the street, I thought she was Shelly, Shelly. [she dances in place on the sofa]
Cartman: Aw, man, you guys suck.
Skyler: Now that we're together I'm absolutely sure that she's Shelly, Shelly.
Cartman: You're the crappiest band I have ever heard!
Skyler: Move into my mom's house with me, Shelly Shelly
Scene Description: Outside. Kitty is at Cartman's window once again. The band is heard in the background
Kitty: Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow.
A cat: [from a red house nearby] Meow. [Kitty looks to see where the meow coming from] Meow.
Kitty: [urgently] Meow?
A cat: Meow. [Kitty looks to make sure there's no one around, then jumps onto a car parked on the driveway and runs away. A red van is parked on the street]
Scene Description: Living room. Skyler's band continues playing
Skyler: Bridge! I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of Shelly Shelly!
Cartman: [rocks back and forth on his hook, hands to ears] Oh my God, somebody shoot me in the head!
Skyler: Ey, shut up, tubby!
Cartman: Don't call me fat! Now, you guys are not supposed to be in heuh! [Shelly walks to the coatrack] You get out now and respect my authoritah! [she pulls Cartman down a bit so the coatrack can act like a slingshot. She lets go and Cartman hits the ceiling] Ow! [lands on his feet as Shelly turns to walk away. She stops to watch the band and he picks her pocket to get his mom's note.]
Scene Description: Night. Kitty wanders the streets of South Park
Kitty: Meow?
A cat: Meow.
Kitty: Meow?
A cat: Meow. [Kitty is near the source, but keeps looking]
Kitty: Meow? [enters a small passageway between two buildings]
A cat: Meow.
Kitty: Meow?
A cat: Meow. Meow. Meow. [an obese orange cat on his back rolls over and inches over to Kitty. Kitty looks at the camera]
Scene Description: Cartman's house, living room. The band finishes up
Skyler: Yah, dude, that was hot. This guitar rocks, man! It rocks! What do you think, Shelly?
Shelly: Honestly? I think you guys need some work.
Mark: Oh, really?!
Shelly: I just think your sound is kind of... last week.
Jonesy: Oh, I'd like to see you do any better, bitch!
Shelly: Well, I do have a song I wrote.
Skyler: O-kay, why don't you sing it for us?
Shelly: Nnno, Skyler, I'm embarrassed!
Skyler: Hey man, don't be shy.
Shelly: Uhwwell, okay. [hops off the sofa] I'll try. But I'm not promising anything. [Skyler moves to the keyboard as Shelly hands out her music and takes the mic] 1, 2, 3, 4 So much pain in the world today. Too many turds are headin' my way. But we can flush our turds together. Passing by turds whenever.
Skyler: Don't you know? Isn't...
Shelly: Life so full of happiness? Feel free to mark my words. But me and you, will my love do in a world that's full of turds? TURDS! llama judgin finger-lovin' turds. TURDS!
Scene Description: Cartman's room. He's taken the phone upstairs with him, extension and all, and he's called Liane
Cartman: Mom! The babysitter has her boyfriend over!
Liane: No no no, that's impossible, hon. I told her: no visitors.
Cartman: Well, there's a whole crappy band here! ["TURDS! Llama judgin' finger-lovin' turds. TURDS!"] Can you hear them? Here. Can you hear them? [directs the receiver towards the music]
Liane: This party is very loud, boopy-kins. You'll have to speak up.
Cartman: ["TURDS! Llama judgin' finger-lovin'..."] Dammit! Her boyfriend's here! Don't you believe me?!
Liane: Not really, hon. [Mr. Mackey appears behind her] Mom has to go now! I'll be home in about an hour! [Cartman just looks at the receiver] Oh! Oh, Mr. Mackey!
Mr. Mackey: Mhm, mkay? [upset, Cartman hangs up]
Cartman: I'll never be able to prove that son of a bitch was here! [looks at his Mr. Microphone-type radio] My Speak and Record bear. Of course.
Scene Description: Downstairs, Shelly continues her song
Shelly: In a world that's full of turds. TURDS!
Mark: [tiring of the song] Dude, this is gay!
Skyler: Shut up! [Shelly stares at Mark]
Mark: You shut up! Your girlfriend is not joining our band!
Jonesy: Yeah, dude. What the hell is wrong with you, anyway? She's like, 12.
Skyler: You guys, get out! Don't question my love! My love is as pure as morning snow! Get out, I said! [his mates take their instruments and leave]
Scene Description: The passageway. Kitty and the fat orange cat face each other
Kitty: Rowr! [quickly shows her ass to the orange cat, waiting for his move. The orange cat pounces on her and smothers her] (Rowrowrowrowr!) [she squeezes her way out from under him]
Orange cat: Rowr!
Kitty: Rowr. [this time, she rolls on her back. He jumps on her and smothers her again] Hrowr!
Orange cat: Geuugh. [Kitty makes her way out again]
Kitty: [angrily] Meowr! [the obese cat simply collapses and sleeps] Meowuh! [seeing that the cat won't move, she leaves] Oh meah!
Scene Description: Cartman's room. He begins recording
Cartman: [softly] Testing, testing, 1 2. [stops and rewinds, then plays the tape. The recording worked] Sweet. [Shelly enters and Cartman hides his radio]
Shelly: We're going outside to watch a meteor shower! I'm locking you in your room 'til we get back in, turd!
Cartman: Okay. See you in a while.
Shelly: Wha-?
Cartman: Will you tell me what they look like? The meteor shower. They mostly come every few years, mostly.
Shelly: What the hell is wrong with you?! How come you're not yelling and whining?!
Cartman: Well, I just, I kind of like having you around.
Shelly: What?! No you don't!
Cartman: No. Um seriously. See, I never had a brother or a sister. I think people that have a brother or a sister don't realize how lucky they are. Sure, they fight a lot, but you know there's always somebody there, somebody that's family. [Shelly's face softens] I wonder if, well, maybe sometimes, I could pretend like you're my big sister. And you could kind of, watch over me. You know, like, we could watch a meteor shower together sometime. Heh, and I could pretend I'm somebody's brother, if only for a day.
Shelly: ...Oh, all right, get your turd coat. You can come see the meteor shower with us.
Cartman: Yuh, you mean it?
Shelly: But don't bug me and Skyler! Come on!
Cartman: Hooray! [Shelly exits, Cartman speaks softly] Yes. I'm gonna have your and your boyfriend's voices on my Speak and Record bear, and then you'll mostly never babysit me again! Mostly.
Scene Description: The Cartman backyard. Skyler and Shelly sit on a bench, Cartman stands off to the side in front of them
Cartman: [recording] Yes, yes, what a beautiful night! It is Saturday the 12th at 10:45, and my mother is away at a party right now.
Shelly: Shut up, turd!
Cartman: That, of course, is the voice of my babysitter, Shelly Marsh, who is twelve.
Shelly: What are you doing?
Cartman: I'm just thinking out loud. [walks over to the bench and sits with his back to Skyler] Do you have anything to say, Skyler, Shelly's boyfriend who is sitting right heuh?
Shelly: Go away, turd!
Cartman: I'm sorry. Did you say something, Skyler? [Skyler simply bumps him off the bench] Agh!
Scene Description: South Park. Kitty walks around looking for some action
Kitty: Meow [a bunch of other cats answer her call. They are all sitting by some steps. She walks over, sticks her ass in the air, and the other cats jump her]
Scene Description: The Cartman backyard. Meteors flash across the sky. Skyler tries to kiss Shelly. Cartman stands close to the house with his Speak and Record bear in full view
Skyler: Yeah! Come on! Give it up!
Shelly: No.
Skyler: Give it up, babe!
Shelly: NO!
Skyler: Come on, babih!
Shelly: [pushes him off] No, Skyler, I'm not putting out for you!
Skyler: Why the hell not?!
Shelly: 'Cause I'm twelve! [Cartman moves up a bit]
Skyler: You're not putting out for me?
Shelly: No!
Skyler: Well then, screw you, bitch! I've got plenty of other girlfriends that will!
Shelly: What?? But I thought you liked me.
Skyler: If you're not puttin' out, then I'm movin' on! There's plenty of chicks like you out there! [she looks forsaken, Cartman draws closer] Screw you, prude bitch! Me and my badass guitar are going home! Hasta!
Cartman: Gotcha! [Skyler drives away in the red van]
Scene Description: The living room. Shelly sits on the sofa crying, her face buried in her hands. Cartman comes dancing in
Cartman: Oh yeah! Oh yeah! Oh wicky wicky Wild West! Shelly, guess who's busted! [Shelly continues crying] Hey! I said, guess who's busted! [Shelly doesn't seem to realize he's there] Eh, you're not gonna trick me, I've got the goods on you!
Shelly: [between tears] I don't care. [cries some more, then pours out her emotions] He acted like he really liked me. Nobody's ever liked me before. [now Cartman softens] I can't believe I trusted him. I'm so stupid.
Cartman: Well, Shelly, he's 22. What, what were you doing with him anyway?
Shelly: Nobody my age would go out with me 'cause I'm too ugly.
Cartman: You're not ugly.
Shelly: You don't think so?
Cartman: Well, you're pretty ugly, but, you don't have to be dating 22-year olds. I mean, what kind of scumbag asshole dates 12-year old girls?
Shelly: You're right! He is a scumbag! I wish I could get him back! I just don't know how.
Cartman: Weh-hull, I could ask Artemus Clyde Frog. He would know.
Shelly: Huh?
Cartman: If you want, I could help you.
Shelly: Really? You would do that?
Cartman: Just let me get my cowboy hat.
Scene Description: Outside. Kitty returns to the house, opens the front door, and enters
Kitty: Mreow? Mreow? Mreow! [the other cats come in and make themselves at home. Kitty turns on the stereo and music blares from the speakers. More cats come]
Scene Description: Skyler's pad. He sits on his sofa strumming his guitar. He hears a knock on the door. He gets up, opens it, and looks down. Clyde is there
Skyler: What the hell is this?!
Polly: Help me! Help me! This is Salma Hayek. Is anybody there? [she lies next to the bear, which is playing the voices]
Skyler: Salma Hayek? Whoa, she's hot. [goes into the woods to find her]
Cartman: [dressed as James West, reaches the open door] Okay, it's clear. [Stands watch as Shelly makes her way inside]
Scene Description: The woods.
Polly: Over here! Please, come quick! [Skyler moves towards the voice]
Scene Description: Skyler's pad. Cartman stands watch as Shelly gets to work
Cartman: We don't have much time!
Shelly: This won't take me long!
Scene Description: The Cartman house. The front door remains wide open as music blares from inside. Cats are all over the living room. Kitty bring a box of Playful Pussy catnip from outside and pours out the catnip. The other cats rush towards it and divide amongst themselves. One cat makes lines of it so he can snort it, another snacks on a slice of pizza. Others sip from beer bottles. Some cats come towards Kitty and she shows her ass again.
Scene Description: Skyler's pad. Cartman grows impatient
Cartman: Hurry up in there!
Shelly: I'm almost done.
Scene Description: The woods. Skyler is looking...
Skyler: Hello-o? Hello-o, Mrs. Hayek?
Polly: Over here! Please help me! I am lost and I have no clothes!
Skyler: [to himself] No clothes, right.
Scene Description: Skyler's pad. Shelly finishes up
Scene Description: The woods. The search continues...
Polly: I'm over here! Please help me! I will reward you greatly!
Skyler: Right here, Miss Hayek!
Polly: Oh, please help me!
Skyler: What the? [sees the Speak and Record bear and Polly Prissy Pants on the ground]
Polly: Please help me! I will give you tacos!
Skyler: Dude, somebody tricked me! I'll make you pay for making me come out here, God dammit! [rushes home and enters] Stupid asshole stuffed animals trying to ruin my night! [gasps loudly. His guitar is in pieces and buried in kitty litter. Shards of wood are arranged to read "King Turd" in front of the neck of the guitar] My guitar! NOOOOO!
Scene Description: The Cartman house. Shelly and Cartman return home
Cartman: That was sooo cool! I wish we could've seen his face!
Shelly: [faces him at the door] Thanks for all your help, Eric. You know, as far as turds go, you're okay. [opens the door, and they both are shocked at what they see]
Cartman: Oh my God! [the orgy is well under way]
Shelly: They're having a cat orgy!
Cartman: You are all very bad kitties! That is a bad, bad kitty!
Shelly: Your mom's gonna get home soon. We're gonna get busted!
Cartman: [gets the catnip and holds it up high] Come on, kitties. Outside. Come on. [points the way out, then goes towards the door. The cats follow] That's it. Come on, come on. [opens the door, only to find Skyler waiting for him] Uh oh.
Skyler: You two ruined my career! I'm gonna get you! [Cartman throws the catnip at him and scores] Umph! [the cats jump on him] Ogh! Oh! Owey! Owwey! Duewy! Oh! [horror and then glee appear on the faces of Cartman and Shelly] Oh, you ripped my pants off! Oh my God! Oohh my Goodd!
Shelly: Come on! We've got to get the house clean before your mom gets home. [they go back inside and close the door] You know, Eric. It's kind of cool that two people who hated each other can be friends.
Cartman: Yeah. I think we get along okay.
Liane: [enters] Hi, kids. I'm home.
Cartman: Heh. [all are afraid. Two cats hide behind Kitty] Mom! Uh I can explain. It was all Shelly's fault! She didn't watch the cat!
Shelly: No! It's Eric's fault. He let those cats in here.
Liane: [holds on to the doorway] Oh, what a party that was! [walks towards the sofa] Hmm-hm-hm-hmm. Hmm-hm-hm-hmm. [Crashes onto it and falls asleep]
Shelly: Wow, she passed out.
Cartman: Luckily for us, my mom is a total lush.
Shelly: Well, let's clean up the house. Looks like everything turned out o-kay.
Cartman: That's how it goes in the Wild Wild West. [raps once more]
Cartman: [Shelly watches him perform and grins, then joins him in the dance] Well, I'm a badass cowboy living in a cowboy's Age, wicky wicky scratch yo yo bang bang [End credits roll] Me and Artemus Clyde Frog go save Salma Hayek from the big metal spider Wicky wicky wick, wicky wicky wick, Fresh Cowboy from the Westside. Wicky wicky scratch yo yo bang bang Me and Artemus Clyde Frog go save Salma Frog Polly Prissy Pants go down to... Well... mm-Rumpertumskin.


Scene Description: The Marsh car, night, Randy's driving. He and Sharon take Stan along with them. It seems Shelly has already been dropped off at Cartman's house to babysit him.
Stan: I don't want to go to this stupid party!
Randy: Come on, Stan, you're gonna have a great time.
Stan: No, you guys are gonna have a great time! Whenever there's a party, the adults get to hang out and have fun while the kids spend the night locked in the basement eating stale pretzels.
Randy: Well, your mom and I don't get out much, so you'll just have to bear through it.
Scene Description: The Mackey house. The Marshes arrive. Four other cars are there, one of them double-parked. The house is festooned with stars of various sizes, with two shooting stars among them. A banner reads, "METEOR SHOWER PARTY" while a sign on the door reads "WELCOME SKYWATCHERS." The Marshes reach the door and Randy rings the bell. Mr. Mackey answers.
Mr. Mackey: Hello! Welcome, hmkay? This is already a wild party, hm.
Randy: Yeah, well uh, sorry we had to bring the kid along. We had nowhere else to put him.
Mr. Mackey: Oh, that's okay. I've got a special kids' room down in the basement.
Stan: Awww!
Mr. Mackey: [leads the family across the room] Be sure to help yourselves to the crab soufflé, and uh, eh, Juanita? [clap clap] Juanita? [clap clap] We need some more finger sandwiches? [she scurries by]
Scene Description: The basement. Mr. Mackey leads the family down the steps.
Stan: I don't wanna hang out in the kids' room. I won't know anybody
Randy: Well, it would be good for you to make new friends. You can't just hang out with your buddy Kyle all the time. People will think you guys are, you know, funny. Now I bet you'll have a great time.
Mr. Mackey: [opens a door] Here you go, it's right in here. [Stan enters and gasps. Before him are Pip, Butters, and Dougie.]
Randy: We'll be upstairs if you need anything, Stan.
Stan: [soft but urgent, tugging at Randy's pants] Dad! You can't leave me here! These guys are total Melvins!
Sharon: You have fun, Stanley.
Stan: [soft but urgent, tugging at Sharon's dress] No! Mom, please! They're the geekiest kids at our school!
Mr. Mackey: We'll come get you kids when the meteor shower starts. [closes the door. Stan looks at it with hands in pockets, then he looks at the other kids. Pip, Butters, and Dougie smile at him. Stan tries to open the door, but it's locked. He turns to face his peers.]
Pip: Cheerio, Stan. I do say it's quite a nice surprise seeing you here.
Stan: Shut up, Pip.
Butters: Hey, Stan. Why I-I-I sure am glad you're here, 'cause then we'll have even more fun than we, why, than we was havin' before. Why, we wuh, we were havin' an awfully good time before you showed up, too, however.
Stan: Butters, is there any way out of here?
Butters: Nope. No way out. Buh, but there ain't nothin' upstairs but an old, stupid party anyways. It's better down here in the kids' room. [motions to the little boy to his left] Uh, this here is Dougie. He's not too old, but he sure is a hoot to hang with. Uhuh, he's in first grade, I think.
Dougie: I like math.
Stan: Oh my God.
Pip: We were just playing a game called Wickershams and Ducklers. Do you want to play?
Stan: No.
Pip: I'm the head Wickerknicker. And you are all little Wickershams [Butters bows] We all sing the merry tune of Stratford until I yell, "Turrah!" and then you all fall down laughing, and I join you, as I find it funny too. Stan, would you be the Wickersham of Brumble Briar? [Stan just looks at them] And all right, here we go. Whippy-tippy tootoo, tralala-la.
All three: Whippy-tippy tootoo, tralala-la. Whippy-tippy tootoo, tralala-la. [Stan tries opening the door again]
Scene Description: Upstairs. The party is well under way. Mr. Garrison walks up to Mr. Mackey
Mr. Garrison: [quite drunk] Great party, Mr. Mackey. Mr. Hat just grabbed Principal Victoria's ass. [his right hand jerks to the right, pulling him] No! Mr. Hat, you get back here! [walks away. The Marshes and the Broflovskis stand in front of the punch bowl]
Mr. Mackey: Anyone for some meteor mai tai punch? It packs quite a wallop.
Sharon: Oh, I'll pass. I don't drink hard alcohol.
Mr. Mackey: [offers the drink] Come on! Loosen up! Meteor showers only come once in a great while. [Sharon takes it]
Randy: One little drink isn't going to hurt anything, honey. Come on, live a little.
Sharon: Well, it is kind of a special night. I guess I could... experiment. [she takes a sip]
Randy: Yeah, experiment.
Scene Description: The basement. Pip, Butters, and Dougie continue with Wickershams and Ducklers. Stan sits on the floor with his back to them, arms wrapping his knees
All three: [dancing] Whippy-tippy tootoo, tralala-la.
Pip: [all turn 'round] Wickersham tally-ho ugh. [all fall on their backs. Pip gets up] Are you sure you don't want to play, Stanley?
Stan: [looks back] Yes.
Dougie: What are you? A sourpuss?
Butters: Uhuh, you uh really oughta play, Stan. It's an awfully fun game. Ah I've never been to England, but uh I'll bet the people there are really nice. [Pip walks off] Are people nice in England, Pip? I bet they are, huh? [annoyed, Stan covers his ears] They got those thick noses and all.
Pip: [looks in a box] Hey, look at this!
Butters: Uh what is it? Is it something neat? Uh I wonder what it could be. [he and Dougie reach the box and look in]
Pip: [leafing around] It's a box filled with ladies' clothes.
Dougie: [pulls out a padded bra and checks it out] Neato.
Butters: Hey, you know what we could do with these lady clothes, huh? Wuh-y why we could play Charlie's Angels.
Stan: [incredulous] Oh, dude, you've gotta be kidding me.
Pip: [hopping] Yes, let's! Can I be Jaclyn Smith? Can I?
Butters: No, uh I get to be Jaclyn Smith. See, uh I thought of Charlie's Angels, and I get to be Jaclyn Smith 'cause I thought of it.
Pip: [twirls with joy] Oh, this sounds as much fun as Wickershams and Ducklers! Come on, Angels. Let's get dressed. [walks over to Stan] Which ladies' garments would you like, Stan?
Stan: Dude, I'm not putting on ladies' clothes, and I'm not playing Charlie's Angels! You guys are Melvins, and I'm not one of you! So you go ahead and be Melvins, and leave me alone!
Pip: Well. [turns and walks away] Alrighty then.
Scene Description: The backyard. A hot tub sits just behind the house. Mr. Mackey leads the Marshes and Broflovskis to it
Mr. Mackey: Here it is. I just had the hot tub put in last week.
Gerald: Wow, neat!
Sheila: It looks quite inviting.
Mr. Mackey: Yeah, you can get a lot of action when you have a hot tub.
Sharon: Oh Mr. Mackey, you nut.
Randy: Hell, we should get in.
Gerald: Yeah.
Mr. Mackey: Sure, go ahead. It's a-it's a party, isn't it? Mkahy?
Sharon: Oh, I'm not hot-tubbing. I have nothing to wear.
Mr. Mackey: Hm huheh, that's okay. [giggles]
Sheila: No hot tub for me!
Gerald: Well, screw you guys! [disrobes and jumps in]
Randy: I'm getting in for a while, too. [disrobes and jumps in] Geronimo!
Sharon: Oh, look at our boys, Sheila. [Randy and Gerald splash each other] It's just like they're in college again.
Scene Description: The basement. The Angels are dressed and ready for action, but...
Pip: Okay, Angels, what's our mission this week?
Butters: Well, I don't know what our mission is. Do you know what our mission is, little first-grade kid?
Dougie: How should I know?
Pip: Oh, dear. We're Charlie's Angels, but we don't have a mission.
Butters: Hey, that's because we need Bosley. Uh Bosley always told the Angels what their mission was. Remember Bosley? Wah uhwhy uhwhy we need somebody to be Bosley. [strokes his chin. All three look around, but the silence alerts Stan]
Stan: [looks back displeased] What?
Pip: Well, we hate to trouble you, Stan, but would you mind terribly being Bosley for us?
Stan: [grudgingly] What do I have to do?
Butters: Uh you just got- you just gotta tell us what our mission is, that's all. That's all Bosley does. Just give a mission, and us Angels will accomplish it.
Stan: Alright, alright. Here's your mission. In ten minutes this room is gonna fill up with water and drown everybody. You have to find me a way out of this room, fast.
Pip: Oh, that's a splendid mission!
Butters: Well, what are we waitin' for? We've gotta find a way out of this room, by golly, or else we're gonna get drowned. Come on, Angels! [they go in different directions, but Dougie pauses]
Dougie: Which Angel am I again?
Scene Description: The hot tub. Gerald and Randy relax in its bubbling warmth
Randy: Oh boy, it's nice to have a night out without the kids, huh?
Gerald: Yeah, I know what you mean.
Randy: I love havin' a family and all. I just... miss being able to party. Drinking and socializing, and experimenting with all kinds of different things.
Gerald: Well, that's what being young is all about. Once you have a family and a career, your experimenting days are over. But tonight is the exception; that's why I'm gonna smoke this cigar. [brushes it under his nose and sniffs it] Only 'cause I've never smoked before. [picks up a lighter and lights the cigar, then sets the lighter back]
Randy: Good idea.
Gerald: What haven't you tried that you've always wanted to try?
Randy: Hohn. [raises his elbows to the rim] Um, I don't know. Maybe I'll drink a few more beers and see where the party takes me.
Gerald: Yeah! ...Was that your leg?
Randy: Huh? Oh, you mean, this?
Gerald: Yeah.
Randy: Yeah. That, that was me.
Scene Description: The basement. Pip rushes up to Stan
Pip: Bosley! Bosley!
Stan: [in no mood for role-playing] What, Pip?
Pip: Oh no no no. My name is Sabrina Duncan. Remember? We're playing Charlie's Angels.
Stan: What the hell do you want?!
Pip: Well, we've completed our mission. Jill found a way upstairs.
Stan: You did? [rises and walks to the way]
Dougie: [dressed as Jill] Air shaft.
Butters: Dougie pushed that big box out of the way and found this old ventilation duct. And I reckon it's got to lead somewhere, and and it's good 'cause, uh 'cause now we won't drown.
Pip: So Bosley, what's our next mission?
Stan: We're going upstairs.
Butters: Upstairs? Uhwhy why there's ain't nothin' upstairs but adults. Uhwhy would we want to go upstairs for?
Stan: Because, you stupid Melvins, they have rad food and desserts upstairs! [crawls into the duct]
Scene Description: The hot tub
Randy: Hey, did you see Principal Victoria in there? She looks hot.
Gerald: She sure does. I wouldn't mind takin' that home.
Randy: O-hoh, yehah, I'm sure your wife would love that.
Gerald: I wish. That's the one thing I've always thought of experimenting with. A threesome.
Randy: [eager to know] With two girls or two guys?
Gerald: Huh, well, two girls, of course! I mean ...with another guy, you know, that'd be... [ends up staring at Randy]
Randy: You, you never have a homosexual fantasy? Not that I have.
Gerald: You haven't?
Randy: No, I mean... Well, they say everybody has at some point, don't they?
Gerald: Well, I never really wanted to experiment with anything too crazy. You know... maybe just... I don't know... masturbate in front of another guy.
Randy: Yeah well, that, that's not really ...gay, is it?
Gerald: NO, no, uh I don't think so.
Randy: ...Well it is a night for experimenting.
Gerald: Sure is. [both of them wait for the other to make the first move, then...]
Randy: Okay, I'll start. [begins]
Scene Description: some activity is going on out on the street. Someone is looking at the house through night-vision scopes and taking snapshots. One of those shots is of Liane talking to her son over the phone. Five ATF agents are now seen looking at the house from across the street
ATF lead: This must be the place. They've got all kinds of crazy stuff going on in there.
ATF agent: [talks into a communicator] Code 7. We believe we have found the compound. Request immediate backup. [the ATF lead looks at the house again]
Barbrady: [immediate indeed, appears in the lead's sights] Okay, so just what is going on here, people?
ATF lead: Get down! [pulls him into position along with the others]
Barbrady: What?
ATF lead: It's just like we told you, officer! There's a religious cult in there that plans to commit mass suicide when the meteor shower starts. [resumes viewing, but is interrupted]
Barbrady: Are you sure?
ATF lead: Of course we're sure! [points out the initials on his cap] We're the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms! It's our job to know what these fanatics do!
Barbrady: So what does the ATF do when religious fanatics are gonna commit mass suicide?
ATF lead: Oh, don't worry! We won't let that happen! Even if it means we have to kill each and every one of them.
Scene Description: Out front, later. ATF trucks and tanks roll in and more agents arrive
ATF lead: What's the situation?
ATF agent: [coming in from reconnaissance] Apparently, we've got at least five dozen men and women in there who intend to commit suicide when the meteor shower starts.
ATF lead: Any luck talking to somebody in the house?
ATF agent: We've tried calling, but there's no answer. I think we're gonna have to move in, sir.
ATF lead: Alright. Johnson!
Johnson: [a marksman, runs up] Sir!
ATF lead: I'm sending you in. Watch your ass.
Johnson: Yes, sir! [makes his way to the front door while stopping at various points for better views. He rings the doorbell with his elbow, but doesn't wait for an answer]
Scene Description: The Mackey house, living room. Johnson now looks around the living room, but no one seems to be alarmed at his presence. Mr. Mackey's face soon fills the view
Mr. Mackey: Oh, come on in. Join the party, mkay? [Johnson, surprised, lowers his guard] Would you like a meteor mai tai?
Johnson: Heeey, I love mai tais! [closes the door]
Scene Description: The living room, at the ventilation duct. Stan leads the others out
Pip: We did it! Great job, Angels!
Butters: So what's our mission now, huh Bosley? Uh wha what do you want us to do now, I wonder?
Stan: [mischief flashing across his face] Alright, Angels. Uh, your next job is to get Bosley some cookies and a TV set.
Pip: What kind of cookies do you want, Bosley?
Stan: I don't care, just hurry! [the Angels walk away]
Butters: Well, hooray!
Scene Description: The deck. Gerald and Randy have left the hot tub and are getting dressed. Things get awkward
Gerald: [buttoning his jacket] So uh. Well. That was certainly... interesting.
Randy: [tying his shoes] ...Yeah.
Gerald: Uh, you don't regret doing it now, do you?
Randy: No no. ...Wuh what's there to regret, right? I mean..., all we did was watch each other ...masturbate. That's that's not gay or anything. We said so, right?
Gerald: Thuh that's right. It's just harmless experimenting.
Randy: Well, let's get back into the party and see what everyone is doing. [turns to go in]
Gerald: Hey. [Randy looks] Nothing changes between us, right? I mean, we're still friends.
Randy: Um... Yeah yeah sure sure. [goes inside]
Scene Description: Outside, the ATF agents are armed and ready to fire. The lead agent reviews the situation inside with his scopes
ATF lead: Damn it, where is Johnson?!
ATF agent: No communication, sir. It doesn't look good for him.
ATF lead: Those bastards!
Scene Description: Inside. Johnson is dancing away. A couple is about to leave the party
Man: Great party, Mr. Mackey. Thank you so much.
Mr. Mackey: Well, are you sure you have to leave so early?
Woman: We both have to be up early tomorrow, but thanks again.
Mr. Mackey: Mkay. Drive carefully, mkay? [waves them off and closes the door]
Scene Description: Outside, The couple walks a few steps before two spotlights stop them in their tracks
ATF lead: [On a bullhorn] Hold it right there! Whatever it is you are intending to do, do not do it! [the man shrugs] Your freaky religious cult will not succeed in its plan!
Man: What?
ATF lead: Do not move, or we will be forced to shoot- [Shooting starts. The couple falls dead and the lead lowers the bullhorn] God damn it, who was that?! [most of the agents raise their hands] Did you see them move?!
Agent 1: ...I did.
Agent 2: [next to floodlight] Yah.
Agent 3: Yeah, they moved alright.
Scene Description: Inside, several men gather around Jimbo and Randy.
Jimbo: Well, I tell you what: we may not have Elway this year, but Brister won every game he started in last year.
Burly man: Eh that's true, but Elway was the heart of the team. Who's the leader now?
Blond man: I think the Jets are gonna be the team to beat this year in the AFC.
Randy: Yeah. Hey uh, if you watch another guy masturbate, does that make you gay?
Jimbo: ...What??
Randy: Well I just... I have this buddy, uh, he, sat and watched another guy ...play with himself.
Burly man: Well... Let's go kick his ass!
Other men: Yeah!
Jimbo: Where is he?!
Randy: Oh he, he lives in, like, Florida.
Burly man: Aw! [the men disperse]
Gerald: [walks up] Hey, Randy. What are you doing? [pats him on the back]
Randy: [subdued] Nothing. Uh. I'm gonna go get some chips.
Gerald: Can I come with you?
Randy: [softly] Okay. [rolls his eyes]
Scene Description: Mackey's bedroom. Butters leads Stan inside
Butters: Come right on in here, Bosley. Huhwell, it was my idea. [Pip and Dougie are already inside, waiting] Uh I got to thinkin', "Wuh, where do people keep TV sets?" and then I remembered that lots of grownups have TV's ih in their bedrooms. So, so I walked into Mr. Mackey's bedroom and er and sure enough, here it was.
Stan: Rad! [hops on the bed and starts switching channels]
Pip: Okay, Bosley, we got you cookies and a TV set. So what's our next mission?
Stan: There are no more missions. I have everything I want. [four shows and a commercial pass by as he channel-surfs.]
Butters: Wwe ain't got no more missions? Uhwhawhat are we supposed to do? We're Angels. Whawhat do Angels do without a mission?
Stan: [annoyed] Just... play something else! God!
Pip: Oh dear. We've angered Bosley.
Scene Description: Breaking news
Reporter: Tom, I'm standing in front of a house where a religious cult is planning to commit mass suicide when the meteor shower starts.
Stan: Whoa, cool!
Dougie: I wanna be a reporter someday.
Reporter: Just moments ago, a couple emerged from the house. [footage of it is shown] According to the ATF, the couple refused to cooperate, then pulled out very big guns and started shooting everyone. The ATF had no choice but to shoot the insane couple, and now a standoff has ensued.
Pip: Oh, looks like that cult is about to be blown into tiny bits.
Reporter: The ATF commander tells us that he has reason to believe there may be children inside and that they are the primary concern of all. There are choppers here along with several tanks. [choppers and tanks are heard coming in] The commander is very concerned about what the mood is inside.
Stan: [as the reporter speaks] Wait a minute [hops off the bed and walks towards the window. He looks out and sees the ATF] Oh my God! [runs back to the others] Dude! That's this house. They think our parents are the religious cult!
Dougie: Do you think someday I can be a reporter?
Reporter: We just received a photo from the recon team of the action inside the house [Stan looking out the window just moments before] showing evidence that there are indeed innocent children trapped inside. Those sick cult fanatic bastards!
Stan:: Dude!
Butters: Hey, uhour parents aren't religious fantastics. Why, we gotta tell them that they're makin' an awful mistake, don't we?
Pip: Yes. Come on, Angels. Looks like we have a new mission.
Scene Description: The living room. Everyone is carrying on, drinking and dancing, oblivious to the commotion outside. Randy sits on the sofa, his hands to his eyes, his mind in turmoil. Gerald walks up to him
Gerald: [sits] Randy, you're making me feel unimportant. Talk. Talk, damn you.
Randy: I'm just having a hard time with what we did in the hot tub.
Gerald: So, so now we can't be friends?
Randy: I didn't say that. I mean, I don't know, I... I just feel so strange. I know it's ridiculous, but I can't help feeling like people here know. You know? Like, even though nobody could know, 'cause we said we'd never tell anybody.
Gerald: We said we'd never tell anybody?
Randy: [now cross] Well, of course we wouldn't.
Gerald: Oh, uh I didn't realize that. [looks away ashamed]
Randy: [sensing betrayal] Yuh... You didn't ...tell anybody, did you?
Gerald: Well, uh uh a few people, yeah.
Randy: [hushed] What?! Why the hell would you do that?!
Gerald: You didn't say not to tell anyone.
Randy: [hushed] Well, of course! I thought it would be implied! When you masturbate with another guy in a hot tub, you assume that nobody is gonna tell anybody! [looks around in desperation to make sure no one else is listening]
Gerald: Listen to you. You're yelling at me; you've never yelled at me before.
Randy: AAAW!! [jumps up and hurries away]
Stan: [rushes out with the others in tow] Hey you guys! We've got a big problem! [sees everyone quite drunk. A naked man dances by with a lampshade on his head] The ATF is outside and they think you're all a religious cult. You've gotta go talk to them. [the adults didn't hear him]
Butters: Huh how come they're actin' that way, Stan, huh? Uh how come they're laughin' and fallin' down and such?
Stan: [sees his mom waddle by] Mom, go look outside.
Sharon: [drunk, with mai tai in hand] Mommy's little boopie-kins [falls down and out]
Butters: Uh let me handle this, Stan. [walks forward] Uh now l-listen up and listen good, everyone! Why, I'm awful disappointed in you drinkin' and carryin' on this way! Why you uhyou should be ashamed of yourselves! Uh if you don't get outside right now, and tell those army guys you're not religious fantastics, there's, why there's gonna be heck to pay. Uh, heck, I tell ya! [The adults laugh and his face drops]
Stan: Come on, we're gonna have to go tell 'em ourselves. [walks to the door. The others follow]
Scene Description: Outside. The boys step out, the ATF agents reload, and the door closes. The spotlights come on and the commander takes up the bullhorn
ATF lead: Lay down your weapons!
Stan: We don't have any weapons.
ATF lead: Go back inside and tell everyone that they are surrounded! Tell them to come out peacefully, and we will not shoot them. [Shooting starts]
Butters: Whoa!
Stan: Get back inside! [opens the door and the boys hurry in]
ATF lead: I don't think they're gonna come out. Use the Ganz technique.
Barbrady: What's the Ganz technique?
ATF lead: This is what we did in Waco. [two monster speakers are moved into place on either side of the front of the house. A technician readies the large CD player] Play really bad music really loud until it drives them nuts and makes them want to come out. [the technician presses a button and a garbled song plays] Nobody can stand this much Cher. This is her new album. If this doesn't drive them out, nothing will.
Scene Description: Living room, the stereo. Mr. Mackey turns on the very same song and starts dancing to it
Mr. Garrison: That's great music, Mr. Mackey. What is that?
Mr. Mackey: Uh this is Cher. This is her new album.
Mr. Garrison: Well, hell, turn it up.
Scene Description: Living room, away from the stereo. Randy is walking around. Two men talk in the foreground
Goateed man: Yeah, well, you know what I heard? I I heard that he's gay.
Other man: Oh, is he?
Randy: [runs up] Who?!
Goateed man: Huh?
Randy: Who who did you hear is, is gay?!
Goateed man: Ricky Martin, the singer.
Randy: Oh. [the two men walk away as Gerald approaches]
Gerald: Hey, Randy, what's up?
Randy: [tenses up] What the hell is that supposed to mean?!
Gerald: Huh?
Randy: Ssh-shouldn't you be hangin' out with your wife right now?
Gerald: Wulluh uh I just felt like talkin' to you.
Randy: There's nothing to talk about.
Gerald: You're having regrets, aren't you?
Randy: No, I-... I don't know.
Gerald: Hey. Talk to me.
Randy: No!
Gerald: I thought we agreed what happened in the hot tub wouldn't change our relationship.
Randy: Will you stop it?! I don't... I just...
Gerald: Hey, Mr. Withdrawn, you might not need to talk about it, but I sure do.
Randy: Aaww! [rushes away] Sharon? [finds her at a table and genuflects] Sharon, cuh can we go?
Sharon: [swaying] Go?? The meteor shower hasn't even started yet.
Randy: [his voice grows urgent] Uh I know, but I want to make love to you right now. I have to make love to you right now.
Sharon: Randy, relax. We don't ever get to party. Now come on! Loosen up! Experiment!
Randy: Ogh, I already did.
Stan: [rushes up with the other boys] Dad! Dad, they shot at us.
Randy: Not now, Stanley. [gets up and walks away. Stan watches him go, then turns to Sharon]
Stan: Mom!
Sharon: Whoopee! [gets up, and the bowl of chips drops to the ground. She faints on the table. Stan looks around, not sure how he can rouse the adults to action, drunk as they are.]
Butters: [panicking] Hey, what are we gonna do, huh?! Ughuh uh they shot at us! They really shot at us! They, they ain't gonna stop until we're all dead, I betcha. Huh us and all our families.
Stan: [slaps Butters across the face with a backhand and grabs him by the collar] Get a hold of yourself, man!
Butters: How come you slapped my face, Stan, huh? Why uhwhy on earth would you do that, anyways?
Stan: Come on. We have to find out what's happening. [leads the other boys to the bedroom]
Scene Description: Mackey's bedroom. The boys enter and check out the news again.
Reporter: I'm standing now with Danny Ganz, the commander of the ATF. Commander, what is the latest?
Ganz: We have not had any cooperation with the cult inside the house. They are refusing to come out, and apparently they still plan to commit mass suicide once the meteor shower starts, which should be any moment now.
Dougie: See how reporters get to wear those cool jackets? That's why I wanna be a reporter.
Reporter: So what are your plans, commander?
Ganz: Right now, our plan is to burn the house down. If we set it on fire, they'll have no choice but to come out.
Butters: Oh dear God, they're gonna set us on fire. Uhoh, great Jesus, son of Mary, wife of Joseph, what are we gonna do, huh? Huhoh, sweet Joseph, husband of Mary but not father of sweet Jesus-
Stan: Sh!
Reporter: Setting them on fire seems a little dangerous, commander.
Ganz: It is, but we can't let them kill themselves.
Stan: We have to let them know that this isn't a cult party.
Pip: But we can't. They'll just shoot at us again.
Butters: Uhuh, they're gonna burn us up and act like nothin' happened. Oh, sweet Jesus, Mary, mother of Jesus, wife of Joseph, father to Mary, well- Wait. Mary, wife uh... Oh, hold on.
Stan: Come on, Angels. We've got a new mission. And this time, it's for real. [walks off]
Scene Description: Outside. The reporter continues
Reporter: For hours now, the ATF has tried to communicate with the religious fanatics inside this house. The meteor shower is expected to begin at any moment, and so time is running out.
Scene Description: Inside, the party continues.
Mackey: Hoh, look. Harold's doing it again, hm huh hnmkay? [Harold is wearing a lampshade, but he's fully dressed. The camera moves to the crowd, then to the ground, where Dougie is standing with microphone in hand]
Dougie: This is Jill Munroe reporting live from inside the meteor shower party. [Stan is filming, Butters is cuing] As you can see, this is a perfectly normal party. Nobody is killing themselves. We tried to tell ATF people, but they shot at us. [aside] Anything else?
Stan: Tell them not to burn us down.
Dougie: Oh yeah. Don't burn us, please. Jill Munroe, GFN news.
Pip: Now what do we do?
Stan: [removing the tape from the camera] Now we find a way to get this tape to the real reporters.
Dougie: Hey, I'm a real reporter.
Stan: You're right. You are, Dougie. You did an awesome job. [Dougie smiles]
Scene Description: Outside, Ganz is back behind the firing line with the bullhorn
Ganz: Attention, cult people! Do not commit mass suicide! There are so many reasons not to kill yourselves! Flowers, for instance. And back rubs. [turns off the bullhorn and listens for a moment] Alright, I'm through trying to reason with them. Send in the Negotiator! [a large truck hauls a large cannon in. The barrel of the cannon reads, "NEGOTIATOR"]
Reporter: [approaches] Excuse me, but what proof do you have that those people inside are religious fanatics?
Ganz: We know what we're doing. We did this all before in Waco.
Reporter: Uh yes, but you totally screwed up Waco. You killed a bunch of innocent people and then tried to say they killed themselves.
Ganz: [holds out a beanie baby] Look. You see this? You see this?
Reporter: Yes.
Ganz: You see it? You see it? Go get it. [throws it away to his left] Go get it! [the reporter soon moves in the direction of the throw] Alright, let's get ready to kick some religious fanatic ass!
Scene Description: Inside. Randy is scarfing down some nachos at the snack table, and Gerald approaches him. Randy sees him and gives him the evil eye, then moves to the mai tai bowl. Gerald follows. Randy glowers at him
Gerald: Having a good time?
Randy: Yeah, swell! Could I just... have a few minutes alone?
Gerald: I'm not gonna let you change on me, Randy. Just because we shared an intimate moment in the hot tub, I won't let it change our friend-
Randy: [irritated, interrupts] We did not share an intimate moment, okay?! That makes it sound gay! [walks away]
Scene Description: Outside. The front door opens and six guests exit
Guest: Good night, everyone.
Ganz: Look out! [Shooting starts. Screams are heard as the guests are hit. The guests die on the spot] Ho-old your fire! Okay, hrm. [on the bullhorn] People at the door! That was a warning! Go back inside and tell the others that they now have one minute to surrender! [the Negotiator is aimed right at the front door]
Scene Description: The boys are in Mr. Mackey's bedroom. From outside, the boys are seen looking out the window
Stan: Oh no, we're out of time! [hops down and moves away. He ties some rope around Butters' middle] Are you sure you can do this, Butters?
Butters: Wuh, no, I'm not sure. Uh-I'm not sure at all. Wha-what am I doin' again?
Stan: We're just gonna slide you down this rope, and then you've gotta get our exclusive video to that reporter down there. [hands him the video]
Butters: Tha-at sounds awful dangerous.
Stan: Can you hit a target, Pip?
Pip: [with bow and plunger] I was archery-class esquire at Stratfordshire. [pulls back on the bow]
Stan: Hit something nice and solid now. [Pip releases the plunger, with rope attached, and it lands on the left side of Barbrady's head. Barbrady moves just a bit, then sips his coffee]
Pip: [pulls the rope taut] I think that's got it.
Stan: Nice job, Pip.
Pip: Did I do a nice job? Really?
Stan: Alright, Butters. Now it's your turn. [he and Dougie help Butters onto the window sill and hook him up to the rope]
Butters: Wha-ah I don't know about this, uh. I think I'll reconsider. Yep uh I think reconsiderin' is the thing to do right now. [Dougie pushes him off] Waaah! [slides down to Barbrady and bounces off the hook] Gooh. [runs to the reporter]
Stan: He made it down. [Pip and Dougie grin]
Scene Description: Outside.
Ganz: Alright, people, prepare to fire on my command! [the agents take aim]
Butters: Uhuh, Mr. Reporter, sir?
Reporter: Huh?
Butters: Uhuh wuhwe've got an eyewitness exclusive video for you, sir. [hands it to the reporter, who inspects it]
Scene Description: Inside, living room. Randy stands alone in the middle of the crowd, despondent
Gerald: [walks up] Honey?
Randy: [hushed] God, everybody's looking at me. Everybody knows.
Gerald: Everybody doesn't know. And why are you so ashamed of me?
Randy: What's happened to you?! You've become all needy and talkative and-!
Gerald: I just want to know it meant something to you.
Randy: It didn't mean anything to me, Gerry! [the music stops] All we did was watch each other masturbate in the hot tub! [people turn and stare. One man gasps and Sharon lifts her head from the floor]
Man in briefs: Aw, I was just in the hot tub. [a man next to him pulls away]
Randy: Yeah! Yeah, it's true! I thought it would be exciting, and maybe it was, but I can't deal with your accusing stares! [shots of various people looking at him] We watched each other jack off in the hot tub! There! We did it! I'm not proud of it, but there it is!
Mackey: Uh. Well, it's not like you're the only guy who's ever watched another guy masturbate; I've done it.
Ned: Mmm-me too. [other men begin to answer]
Man 1: Yeah, uh I've done it a few times.
Man 2: Yep.
Man 3: Yup.
Man 4: Uh huh.
Man 5: Me too.
Man 6: Myeup, me too.
Man 7: Yup.
Jimbo: Aw, hell, uh I've done it too. With Cameron here. [points to the burly man who spoke earlier]
Mackey: [music resumes] Uh, Juanita, could you fix some more dip, please, Juanita? [she goes to do it, and conversation resumes among the guests]
Randy: You mean it? I'm not gay?
Jimbo: [walks up] Hwell... maybe a little. But we're all a little gay.
Randy: Oh, I feel so much better! Wow!
Gerald: So we're friends again?
Randy: Uh, you bet we are, Gerry! I feel great! I feel like I could take on the world! Everything's gonna be okay!
Scene Description: Outside. The Negotiator is rolled into placed and aimed once more
Ganz: Alright everyone, fire!
Reporter: [runs in front of the cannon and waves his arms] Hold on just a minute! This is Derek Smalls reporting. We have just received an exclusive video from inside the house [holds it up], proving that the people inside are not cultists after all.
Ganz: [to an agent] Uh oh. [runs to address the agents and waves his arms] Uh uh attention everyone! This has only been a test. Good job, men, on this, uh, simulation.
Blond agent: Simulation?
Ganz: [to the blond] Sh. [to all] All is well. Do not shoot at [BOOM. The cannonball hits a house behind Mackey's, then bounces to crush another, then another, and yet another. Stan, Pip, and Dougie rush outside to join the reporter.]
Pip: O-hoh, I believe we've saved the day! [Butters joins them]
Ganz: Woops.
ATF agent: Sir, this isn't gonna look good.
Ganz: You're right. Quick, let's get out of here! [in the blink of an eye, every ATF agent and vehicle rushes away, leaving a clear road]
Derek: Say, that was a fine piece of journalism, boys.
Dougie: Wow, you mean that?
Derek: Sure. Why, with your tape, I'll be able to make millions and further my career beyond my wildest dreams. [walks away with the tape]
Butters: Uhuh oh uh, uh hooray, then!
Pip: There. Angels, I must say I think we did a smashing job.
Butters: Uh we, we sure did. Why, we put the fear of God in those ATF sons of guns, I can tell ya.
Stan: But you know, I learned something today. I used to call you guys Melvins. But you're just kids, like me. We separate you in school because you talk different and you study too hard, but we've proven tonight that we can all get along.
Butters: Uh, so you mean we can stay friends, Stan? Wouldn't that be swell, huh?
Kyle: [shows up] Dude! I'm glad to see you. You would not believe the night I had.
Stan: You?! You think you had a bad night?! I had to hang out all night with these friggin' Melvins!
Kyle: Hoh, dude, weak.
Stan: Super weak.
Kyle: Come on. I'll tell you all about what happened to me. [goes inside with Stan and Ike, leaving the Melvins outside sad.]
Scene Description: Cher's mangled song plays.