Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day, Ms. Choksondik's classroom. Ms. Choksondik enters and stands before the blackboard.
Ms. Choksondik: Alright, children, as I'm sure you all remember, today we are going to continue our biology lesson... dissecting an organism.
Class: Yeah! [There are new seating arrangements to note: Wendy now sits to Stan's left. Timmy sits in the back of the class. Pip sits behind Kenny. Two students not seen before join the class]
Bebe, New Kid: Woohoo.
Ms. Choksondik: [walks off] Now, what we are going to dissect today is the West Indian manatee. [return with a large dolly stacked with manatee corpses. Stan and Kyle glance at each other] Manatees are mammals that live in the oceans and are often called the gentle clowns of the sea.
Wendy: Uhh, Ms. Choksondik, aren't manatees endangered?
Ms. Choksondik: They sure are, Wendy, and that's why we must learn what's inside them. [pushes the dolly towards the class and hands the manatees out] Now, we don't have quite enough [one goes to Butters] manatees to go around, so I think we're gonna have to split up into groups of four. [Stan and Annie get manatees]
Butters: Hey! Ours is still alive!
Ms. Choksondik: [walks up and looks] Oh, hold on. [walks away. The manatee raises its head. Ms. Choksondik returns with a brick and brings it down hard on the manatee's head twice, killing it and exposing its brain. Butters is stunned. Ms. Choksondik returns to the front of the class] Now, children, our first incision will be along the abdomen.
Stan: [holding his knife] I can't do it, dude.
Kyle: Aw, don't be such a baby! [takes the knife, blinks, then offers it to Kenny] You do it, Kenny.
Kenny: (Nuh uh!)
Kyle: Come, on, Kenny! I'll give you five bucks to do it!
Kenny: (FIVE BUCKS???) [grabs the knife and starts cutting away]
Stan: Too bad Cartman's missing this. He must be really sick.
Scene Description: The Cartman house, living room. Cartman and his mom watch TV. Cartman laughs. Terrance and Phillip are on. They are dressed as detectives They look at a corpse with a dagger stabbed into the chest
Phillip: Say Terrance, this body appears to have been moved since the murder. Look at the forensic evidence around the torso.
Terrance: I don't see anything.
Phillip: Look closer. [Terrance looks closer] Closer. [Terrance bends down further. Phillip holds Terrance's head down] Hunh-nh.
Terrance: I still don't see anything, Phillip.
Phillip: Waitwait. Hunh.
Cartman: I know what's gonna happen, Mom. You wanna know what's gonna happen?
Phillip: [grunts softly] Keep looking, Terrance. The forensic evidence is right around here. [grunts long, farts, and cackles. The camera pulls back to reveal Terrance standing on a stool. Phillip looks to see Terrance ready to fart on him. Terrance lets loose...] Ah! [...and Phillip is blown into a nearby wall, then falls on his side] Af!
Terrance: AAHahahahahahaaa!
Cartman: Whoa! That totally surprised me! [his mom looks at him] I can't believe how the show manages to stay fresh.
Liane: Eh yes, sweetie.
Cartman: [sweetly] Mom, can you go make me a toaster pastry chocolate-mix butter ball? [grins]
Liane: Oohh, honey, why don't you make it yourself? [his grin vanishes] Mommy's [looks away] expecting [looks back] some company.
Cartman: God, I have to do everything around here!
Scene Description: The Cartman house, kitchen. Cartman grabs a stool and walks over to the kitchen counter with it. He starts singing softly as he prepares his dish. He pulls out some Pop Toasties and puts them in a toaster, gets some powdered chocolate milk and a stick of butter, rolls the butter in the powdered milk, gets the Pop Toasties, and places the chocolate-covered butter between the two Pop Toasties. He squeezes down for good measure and makes his way out of the kitchen.
Scene Description: The Cartman house, living room. Cartman enters singing to himself
Cartman: I'mo drag home myself, babih. But the- [blinks and looks up. In the living room now with his mom are Stan's parents, Kyle's parents, Mr. Mackey, Mr. Garrison, and Dr. Doctor.] What the hell's going on?
Liane: Uh, sweetie, your friends wanted to have a "talk" with you.
Mr. Mackey: Eric, your friends and your family are all... concerned about your weight. M'kay?
Cartman: [incredulous] What?!
Dr. Doctor: We believe that you might have a problem.
Cartman: You're God-damn right I have a problem! Terrance and Phillip is on and I don't have anywhere to sit! Now what the hell is this?!
Mr. Garrison: It's called intervention, Eric.
Liane: Your friends and I have all chipped in and we're going to send you up to a weight-management retreat.
Cartman: Fat camp?
Dr. Doctor: Yes, fat camp.
Cartman: Alright, I don't know who the hell put you all up to this, [grabs his creation and drops the plate on the floor] but I am sure as hell not going to any gay-ass fat camp!
Mr. Mackey: Now, Eric, all these people came here and paid to send you to camp because they care about you.
Mr. Garrison: Yeah, except for me. I just wanted to see the look on your face when they told you.
Cartman: [pleading] Mom, tell them! Tell them I'm not fat, I'm just big-boned! Tell them all those stories about how everyone in your family was big as a child but then grew into their bodies!
Liane: Oh, sweetie, those were all lies. You're just fat. [Cartman is stunned. A piece of Pop Toasties falls on the floor]
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day, Ms. Choksondik's class. The manatees have been dissected in various places, and body parts are all over the desks and floor. A drawing of the manatee and its organs is now on the blackboard.
Ms. Choksondik: And now we will be removing the spleen. Notice how the manatee's spleen is designed for a qu-
Principal Victoria: [opens the door and peeks in] Ah, Ms. Choksondik, can we have a quick word with you?
Ms. Choksondik: [puts down the pointer and goes towards the door] Alright, continue with the removal of the spleen, children. I'll be right back. [opens the door and exits.]
Kyle: [working on his manatee] Aw, dude, check this out. [pulls out the spleen with some scissors]
Stan: [off-screen] That's so gross.
Kyle: Hey, Kenny. How much for you to eat this?
Kenny: (I'm not eatin' that!)
Kyle: I'll give you ten bucks to eat it.
Stan: I'll throw in five.
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day, hallway. Principal Victoria talks to Ms. Choksondik there.
Principal Victoria: And so apparently there's been a little mixup. The manatees were meant to go to the Denver Shelter Aquarium and the frogs were meant to come here.
Ms. Choksondik: Oh dear.
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day, Ms. Choksondik's class. Some desks have been moved aside and the kids continue contributing to the kitty...
Butters: I'll throw in a dollar!
Bebe: I've got three.
Kyle: Come on, dude. All you gotta do is eat it very fast!
Stan: [off-screen, enticing] Forty-one bucks. [Kenny jumps up and starts eating it. The others groan and moan] Eww-ho-hoo! He did it!
Ms. Choksondik: [returns to the front of the class] Alright, children, now, let's get back in our seats. Uh, we are now going to put the manatees back together. [the kids blink with surprise]
Scene Description: A wooded area, day. A camp is shown in some hills. It is called "Hopeful Hills Children's Weight Management Center." The Cartman station wagon drives into the camp
Liane: ...And it has basketball courts and tennis courts, and you can call Mommy any time you want. [Cartman has been looking away all this time. She looks at him] Oh, sweetie-kins, don't be mad. I'm sure you're going to have a good time. And when you come back you'll be all healthy and thin. [the station wagon pulls up to the Hopeful Hills REGISTRATION building]
Male Counselor: Howdy there. I'm one of the weight counselors here. This must be Eric Cartman.
Liane: Yes. I'm afraid he's a little moody.
Male Counselor: Oh, we'll change that. [bends down next to the passenger window] Hello, camper. My name is Rick. How are you doing?
Cartman: Well, I'm pissed off!, Rick! How are you?
Rick: I'm doing great! Why don't you come on out and we'll get yo oriented. [stands up and Cartman exits the car] I'll take care of him from here, ma'am.
Liane: Oh. [bows and opens her arms to hug Cartman] Well, goodbye, sweetie.
Cartman: [darkly] Don't touch me! [moves away a bit]
Rick: Eric, this is the beginning of a whole new life for you!
Scene Description: Hopeful Hills Children's Weight Management Center, later. A group of kids, all of them fat, stand in a circle and look at each other.
Brunette: [to Cartman's right] Have you got any candy?
Cartman: No.
Taller Boy: [to Cartman's left] My mom says I ain't to eat no candy here. I'm s'psoed to lose weight.
Rick: [walks up to the group enthusiastically] Alright! Everybody's here and that means we can get down to business! Over the next few weeks we're gonna learn that losing weight is [jumps] fun, right gang?
Taller Boy: Right.
Rick: Wait a second. [holds his right hand to his ear] Do you kids hear something? [drops his hand] I could've swore that-
Pink Monster: Raaarrrr!!! [a woman in costume]
Rick: Oh no, kids! It's glutinous fat!
Pink Monster: I'm gonna take over your body and make you slow! [starts hopping around]
Rick: Oh! What are we going to do? Wait! I know! I could knock it out! With... Exercise! [holds up an EXERCISE paddle, strikes the monster on the head with it, and tosses it away] And... Proper Diet. [does the same with a PROPER DIET paddle]
Pink Monster: Oh no! Exercise and proper diet have killed me. [falls over on her side]
Rick: I guess we took care of that bad old fat, didn't we kids?
Taller Boy: Yeah! [Cartman glares at him]
Rick: Well, hold on a second. Because that glutinous fat was really our good friend, Susan, [she pops out of the costume] who's another weight counselor! [she jumps out in front of the costume and exults]
Taller Boy: Heh! It was a lady in a costume!
Cartman: [miffed] Would somebody put this retard out of his misery?!
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day, playground. Stan and Pip stand by Kenny, who's groaning in pain and holding his stomach.
Kyle: [walks up with Butters] What's the matter?
Stan: Kenny's not feeling so good. That manatee spleen made him sick. [Clyde and Token come in from the right, Wendy and Bebe come in from the left. Stan comforts Kenny.]
Kyle: Uh oh. I guess we shouldn't have made him eat it. [Stan jumps back as Kenny starts vomiting the spleen up. Stan and Kyle watch in shock]
Kids: Eewww.
Stan: Well, at least you got it out of your system.
Kyle: Aw, dude! You can still kinda see the spleen! [Butters looks at him] How much, Kenny?
Kenny: (WHAT?!)
Kyle: I'll give you five bucks to eat your puke.
Butters: Huh-I'm in for five!
Stan: Oh, you guys!
Clyde: I've got three.
Token: Six!
Butters: Uh-here. Uh-you can scoop it up in my R. Kelly thermos. [Kenny takes it and opens it up, then bends to scoop the vomit up into the thermos]
Kyle: That's 19 bucks, Kenny! [more kids gather]
Kenny: (Ungh.) [goes ahead and eats his vomit]
Kids around Kenny: AAAAA!
Kids around Timmy: Waugh.
Kyle: Kick ass, dude!
Stan: You know, dude, there might be something to this.
Kyle: Yeah. People are willing to pay big money to see Kenny do this stuff.
Scene Description: Hopeful Hills Children's Weight Management Center, later. The counselors come up over a hill and down the other side jogging. They stop
Rick: Doing great kids! Come on! [they resume jogging and the fat kids lumber to the top of the hill panting behind them. Cartman stops and droops]
Cartman: [resumes jogging] This... is... bullcrap!
Scene Description: Hopeful Hills Children's Weight Management Center, mess hall, after dinner. Rick is talking to the kids
Rick: Well, I sure enjoyed my carrots and protein bar! How about you, gang?
Cartman: [in withdrawal] I'm starving. This is it. I'm going to die here.
Susan: [cheerfully arrives with a loaded plate] I hope you all left room for dessert. Soybean pudding for everybody! [serves a plate of the stuff to everyone there, starting with Cartman's table]
Brunet Boy: [to Cartman's left] Are you going to eat your soybean pudding?
Cartman: [shoves his plate to the boy] Take it! I can't eat this crap!
Blonde Girl: [to Cartman's right] Me neither. I have to have sugar or I'm going to die.
Cartman: [to the girl] Yeah, well, when I was in prison, we used to sneak stuff in by hiding it up our ass.
Brunet Boy: I have some Fudge 'Ems up my ass. You want some?
Cartman: Psss. Yeah, I'm not falling for that one again!
Scene Description: Hopeful Hills Children's Weight Management Center, night. Cartman sneaks out and creeps along the side of the campers' cabin
Cartman: Alright, Clyde Frog. We just gotta clear the counselor building and we're free. [sees the entrance and races for it. He exits and races through the meadow until he reaches a road.] We did it, Clyde Frog! Now the only question is, do we go home to our traitor moms and friends, or do we start a new life on the run? [an ice cream truck approaches him] An ice cream truck! Hey wait! [races up to the truck. The driver exits the cab] Boy, am I glad to see you!
Driver: Can I interest you in some ice cream?
Cartman: You're damn right you can! Two Roller Pops, please!
Driver: [goes to the back of the truck, opens the doors, and pulls out one pop.] Alrighty, do you want this kind or this kind? [points to the inside of the truck. Cartman looks]
Cartman: Hunh? [is lifted up] Uuh! [and tossed into the truck. The doors are closed behind him, and he looks up. Before him sit four other kids who have tried to escape]
Boy 1: [on bench at left] They tricked us again, huh?
Cartman: [stands up] Aw, God-damnit! [turns] LET ME OUT OF HMYA! [pounds on the back doors]
Driver: Hang on, we'll be back at camp in a matter of no time. [drives into camp]
Scene Description: Hopeful Hills Children's Weight Management Center, moments later. The campers' cabin door is opened and the five escapees return to their bunks
Boy 1: They always get us. Sometimes it's a ice cream truck, sometimes it's a taco stand. But they always fool us.
Taller Boy: Heh-I can't help it. I'd give anything. Any amount of money for some candy. [Rick and Susan pop into the campers' cabin.]
Rick: Hey kids!
Susan: Looks like we had some attempted escapees again tonight.
Rick: Escape-aroo! Now campers, I know that camp is tough, but you have to believe that you can do it. And you have to know that until you drop the weight, you can't leave.
Susan: [bends forward sweetly a bit and cocks her head to the left] There is no escape.
Rick: So let's just all put on our try-hard helmets, and accept that the only way for us to get out of camp, is to LOSE THE WEIGHT!
Eric: [pissed off] Aw, damnit!
Scene Description: South Park, the Cartman house. Butters and Timmy have replaced Cartman in the boy's group for now, and they stand in front of the Broflovski parents, Mr. Mackey, Mr. Garrison, Sharon March, Principal Victoria, and Dr. Doctor. They argue amongst themselves.
Gerald: That's what being young is all about.
Mr. Garrison: [at the same time] But that's not the question.
Liane: Thanks for coming, everybody.
Mr. Mackey: Uh what's all this about, Mrs. Cartman? Is Eric having trouble at havin' trouble at his weight-management camp?
Stan: We knew he wouldn't make it.
Liane: Oh, no. Quite the contrary. Eric showed up and surprised me last night. Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to present to you... the new Eric Cartman. [steps to one side as Cartman enters]
New Cartman: Hey, dudes!
Kyle: Whoa! [the others look stunned]
Stan: I don't believe it.
Liane: Believe it. He lost 40 pounds at his fat camp. [everyone gathers round Cartman]
Mr. Mackey: Eric, that's fantastic, m'kay?!
Principal Victoria: Congratulations. How do you feel?
New Cartman: I feel awesome!
Kyle: What did they do with all the fat? There must have been enough to last an Eskimo family months.
New Cartman: You know, Kyle? There was a time when your fat jokes would have gotten to me. But now I'm totally slim and totally happy! In fact, I'd say I'm [leans a bit to eye Kyle's belly] a little bit trimmer than you, fatboy! [stands erect] Heh heh. Just kidding, Kyle.
Liane: I made some healthy tofu pudding to celebrate. Who wants some?
Cartman: Memememeee! [the group heads for the kitchen while Stan and Kyle stay behind]
Kyle: Dude. I don't know if I'm going to like the new Eric Cartman.
Stan: Did you like the old one?
Kyle: Good point.
Scene Description: Jesus and Pals
Announcer: And now back to Jesus and Pals, on South Park Public Access.
Jesus: [with the new Cartman] Back to our courageous story of a little boy's triumph over obesity. Eric, yea. You found that the Spirit of the Lord inside you gave you strength.
New Cartman: No. Actually, I found a diet that totally works.
Jesus: A little boy who overcame the odds. Let's hear it for Eric Cartman! [the studio audience applauds] Well, our second guest tonight is a young man named Kenny McCormick, who is going to eat dog crap. Kenny? [Kenny enters with Stan, Kyle, and a dog. Music begins as a spotlight falls on Kenny. The dog turns his ass to Kenny and craps. A musical riff plays as Kenny picks the crap up and the audience groans with disgust. Some of them cover their eyes. Kenny lifts the crap dramatically into the air a wailing female joins the music. Another riff plays as Kenny swallows the crap. A small pedestal appears under him and pushes him up and around. The audience groans some more, Kenny finishes off the crap, and the audience beings to cheer. The new Cartman is pissed]
New Cartman: God-damnit, all I got was a little golf clap!
Jesus: [hesitant] Thanks for coming on the show, Kenny.
Kenny: [gracious] (Sure!)
Man 1: Do it again!
Man 2: Do it again!
Man 3: Hey kid! I'll give you 20 bucks to eat a really old piece of bacon!
New Cartman: This is ridiculous! [picks at his eye]
Jesus: So. Kenny, how did you discover that you had this... talent?
Stan: We thought of it, Jesus. I mean, Kenny's the one that does it all, but we were the masterminds of the whole thing.
Jesus: I can't say I approve of this, my children.
Kyle: [he and Stan look at Jesus for a moment] Huh? Why not?
Jesus: Because Kenny is only doing things that anybody could do. For money. He's a prostitute.
Man 4: I'll pay him 50 bucks to eat someone else's vomit.
Man 5: Yeah!
Man 6: Yeah! Go for it!
Stan: [to Kyle] What's a prostitute?
Kyle: I don't know.
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day, cafeteria. The kids mill around and eat during lunchtime. In line for their lunches are Craig, Tweek, Butters, and a few others. In the kitchen Stan, Kyle, and Kenny arrive for their lunches.
Chef: [behind the sneeze guard, as usual] Hello there, children!
Stan, Kyle, Kenny: Hey, Chef:
Stan: Chef, what's a prostitute?
Chef: [ponders, then displeased] Dag-nabbit children! How come every time you come in here you gotta be askin' me questions that I shouldn't be answering?! "Chef, what's the clitoris?" "What's a lesbian, Chef?" "How come they call it a rimjob, Chef?" [the boys blink. Stan and Kyle look at each other] For once, can't you just come in here and say, "Hi Chef. Nice day, isn't it?"!
Stan: Hi Chef. Nice day, isn't it?
Chef: [pleased] It sure is! Thank you.
Stan: Chef, what's a prostitute?
Chef: Uh uh! You children are gonna get me in trouble with the principal again.
New Cartman: [joins the other boys] Lunchtime! I'm starved!
Chef: Oh my God. Eric?
New Cartman: That's me.
Stan: Chef was just about to tell us what a prostitute is.
Chef: Why do you need to know what a prostitute is anyway?!
Stan: Because Jesus told us that Kenny's a prostitute. Is he?
Kenny: (Yeah. Am I?)
Chef: Well, no, uh of course Kenny is not a prostitute.
Kyle: Why?
Chef: Well, because, children, a prostitute is someone who... you could pay for certain services.
Stan: Like what?
Chef: Like keeping you company. Understand?
Stan: No.
Chef: You see, children, sometimes a man needs to be with a woman. But sometimes, when the lovin' is over, the woman just wants to talk and talk and talk and talk. [begins singing] But a prostitute is someone who would love you No matter who you are, or what you look like. Yes, it's true, children. [the new Cartman looks at the other boys as he starts sneaking away. They don't notice him. Other kids, Annie, Token, Clyde, Butters, and Bebe, enter the kitchen] That's not why you pay a prostitute, no, you don't pay her to stay, you pay her to leave afterwards. [Principal Victoria arrives and listens] That's why I pays a lot for prostitutes! Ladies and Gentlemen, Mr. James Taylor.
James Taylor: [enters next to Chef playing a guitar] A prostitute is like any other woman They all trade somethin' for sex and they do it well. [the new Cartman goes into the supply room and starts packing donuts into his backpack]
Chef: And that's why I say-
Chef and James Taylor: Prostitutes! Prostitutes! They-
Chef: Oohhhh [they stop when they see Principal Victoria, who has crossed her arms in anger] ...James Taylor, what the hell are you doin' in here?! Singing' about prostitutes to the children! Get out of here! [James leaves, but Principal Victoria is not satisfied.] ...These children tricked me!
Scene Description: Hopeful Hills Children's Weight Management Center, that night. After being tucked int bed, the new Cartman sneaks out and rides a bike towards the Center, hides the bike near the entrance, and approaches the gate
New Cartman: [a shadow falls on him] Oh, there you are. Alright, I got the goods. Some candy bars, a few donuts, and some beef gravy.
Cartman: Is anyone starting to suspect anything?
New Cartman: Nobody. Your mom even thinks I'm a skinny you.
Cartman: Ahawesome! Alright, throw it over!
New Cartman: Uh uh. One thing. I want a bigger cut.
Cartman: What?!
New Cartman: I'm the one risking my ass, running around in that stupid town pretending to be you and collecting all the food to bring up here! All you have to do is sit back and sell it to all the fat kids!
Cartman: Alright alright! Keep your voice down! I'll bump you up to 10%.
New Cartman: Twenty.
Cartman: [soft gasp] Suck my balls, 20!
New Cartman: Fine! Then I shall bid you good day! [turns aside to get his bike]
Cartman: Waitwaitwaitwait! Fine, 20! But just remember that your parents think that you're in the drug rehab center next door! You blow your cover and we're both screwed! [the new Cartman looks trapped]
Scene Description: The University of Colorado, dorm room. Several students are reading their books while clothes is strewn all over the place
Student 1: [bursts through the door] You guys! You have to check this tape out!
Student 2: [on the sofa] Ey, we're trying to study. Finals are tomorrow.
Student 1: No, dude, check this out! It's a video: this kid, he does all kinds of crazy stuff. [pops the video into the VCR and turns on the TV] Check it out! He jumped into a Porto-Potty at a construction site and stayed there for four days! [the screen shows Kenny standing in a pool of poo under the toilet and looking at the camera]
Other Students: Whoa! [the screen shows a construction worker heading for the Porto-Potty. He enters and sits on the toilet, and a long log of poo descends from his nether regions]
Kenny: [the poo lands square on his face] (Ow.)
Student 1: Oh, gro-hoss
Student 3: Sick!
Student 2: That's awesome! [rushes out to the hall and hollers] Hey guys! Check this out!
Scene Description: The Krazy Kenny Show, live
Announcer: [graphics come up animated, with letters exploding behind the show's logo] Get ready for the Krrrrrrazy Kenny Show! [four spotlights roam the stage] And now here's your host, the kid who will do anything to himself for money, Krrrra-a-a-a-azy Kenny! [Kenny appears and goes to the center of the stage, The spotlights converge on him as music reaches climax] Kenny, through the past weeks we've seen you eat mice, pretend to kill newborn babies to shock their mothers and ...wash your hair with battery acid. The question in all our minds is, who-haht are you gonna do next? [the audience cheers]
Kenny: (Well, I'm gonna give my grandfather a full-body sensual massage.)
Announcer: Whoa-ho ho! You heard him, folks! Kenny is going to give a sensual full-body massage to his own grandfather!
Man 1: Oho! Yeah!
Man 2: Woohoo!
Scene Description: Fanfare as the stage rotates to reveal Kenny's grandfather relaxing on a heart-shaped bed. Kenny opens up a bottle of massage oil and begins massaging him
Audience: Awww! Awgh!
Stan: Wow! This is Kenny's best show ever!
New Cartman: This is so juvenile. [bites a licorice stick. He has a box of donuts on his lap, and he and Kyle have licorice sticks]
Kyle: Cartman, what the hell's the matter with you? [takes a donut]
Stan: Yeah, you've gotten lame since you got skinny. What's up?
New Cartman: Eh, nothing. Hey, can I have some of that licorice to- take home?
Scene Description: Hopeful Hills Children's Weight Management Center, next night. Rick is in the campers' cabin
Rick: Alright campers, good work today. Lights out, and we'll see you tomorrow for more exercise and proper diet. [opens the door, exits, and closes the door]
Susan: [waiting] All beddy-byes for the night, are they?
Rick: I don't know what we're doing wrong, Susan. These kids aren't losing the weight.
Susan: We'll just have to give them more time. They'll do it!
Rick: They'll do it.
Susan: They'll do it!! [the counselors leave. Inside the cabin Cartman looks out the window, watching them leave]
Cartman: [turns around] Alright, they're gone! [walks to his bed and pulls out a suitcase from underneath] The Cartman store is open! [the other kids leave their bunks and head for Cartman]
Blonde Girl: [first in line, hands him some money] Two donuts and a pack of licorice, please.
Cartman: [quickly as he hands the goods over] Two donuts and a pack of licorice. [she walks away,and a big, tall boy is next] Well, Tony, the usual? [Tony, with squinty eyes, blinks and Cartman gives him the usual. Tony walks away. Another boy walks up, crying] Why are you crying, Chad?
Chad: [sobbing] 'Cause I'm always gonna be fat. I don't wanna eat no sweets, but I can't control myself when they're right in front of me like this. [sobs some more. Cartman moves away a bit] All my life I've been fat. I've beh- I've been to seven camps and I swore to my momma that I'd lose the weight. I want to, but I can't help myself. [breaks down]
Cartman: [comforts Chad] Hey, Chad, eh... You know what you need? You need a friend.
Chad: [wipes away his tears] I'd, I do?
Cartman: Yes. [dangles a chocolate in front of him] A chocolate friend. [Chad begins to howl] Mr. Candy Bar doesn't judge you, Chad. Mr. Candy Bar likes you just the way you are. [opens the wrapper to expose the aroma and tempts him] Look at how yummy and sweet he is. [Chad, still sobbing, takes the candy bar and starts eating. Cartman bides his time] ...There you go. That'll just be four dollars. [Chad hands him the money and finishes the candy bar. Cartman just watches] ...There you go.
Scene Description: A Krazy Kenny Show promo
Announcer: This week on Pay Per View [a yellow starburst appears with "PAY PER VIEW" on it, then another starburst with Kenny standing behind Ms. Crabtree], Krazy Kenny will crawl up into a woman's uterus and [a shot of Kenny inside the uterus] stay there for six hours. Don't miss this once-in-a-lifetime event. Order now!
Scene Description: The big city, day. City noise is heard. Next shot is in a studio, with Howard Stern hosting, and three guests. On the walls are posters, one of which is of Elton John. Two loves dolls are in the background, and the Antonio Banderas one is behind Stern
Howard Stern: Alright, so we're back talkin' to three competing celebrities: Tom Green, Johnny Knoxville from MTV's Jackass and Krazy Kenny.
Tom Green: Hey, Howard.
Howard Stern: Krazy Kenny is here to promote his Pay-Per-View special this week, where he will crawl up into a bus driver's uterus and stay there for six hours.
Johnny Knoxville: [stammering] Wow!
Howard Stern: Now, some people that all you guys do is perform sick and disgusting acts for shock value and money, which makes you whores. But I'd like to prove them wrong. So what I'm gonna do... is I'm gonna offer each of you $50,000 to give me oral sex right now.
Tom Green: I'm in.
Johnny Knoxville: Me too.
Kenny: (And me!)
Howard Stern: Oh.
Tom Green: Fine! I'll do it for 40!
Johnny Knoxville: 30.
Tom Green: [points at Johnny] 20!
Kenny: (...Ten bucks!)
Howard Stern: Ooh, the kid says he'll do it for ten bucks.
Tom Green: Damnit. I'm out.
Johnny Knoxville: Me too. I guess he is the biggest whore.
Howard Stern: Alright, let's get going, then. Can we cut the cameras?
Scene Description: Hopeful Hills Children's Weight Management Center, day. Exercise...
Rick: And we're gonna reach for the sky... [has arms high above his head]
Campers: [follow through] Woo-aagh.
Rick: And down to the ground. [touches the ground with his fingertips]
Campers: [follow through] Woo-ugh.
Rick: And up to the sky... [arms high above his head]
Campers: [follow through] Woo-aagh. [Cartman and the camper to his right perform a quick transaction - Cartman hands him a pastry for a few bucks.]
Rick..: And down to the ground. [touches the ground with his fingertips]
Campers: [follow through] Woo-ugh. [a couple enters the yard with their son, the taller camper Cartman got annoyed with early on. Susan catches up]
Susan: Please, Mr. Sanders. [Rick rises quickly]
Mr. Sanders: No! I have had it!
Rick: What's happening?
Susan: Horace's parents want to take him home.
Rick: Oh! But he's not ready yet.
Mr. Sanders: Look at what you've done to my boy! You told Horace that he was responsible for his weight! You made him believe that with exercise and proper diet, he could be thin! When we told you it was his genetics!
Rick: They can lose the weight if they try.
Mr. Sanders: Look at these kids! They're not getting any thinner! [a shot of the campers] Your camp is a fraud! You need to accept the fact that most fat people are just genetically fat!
Susan: Please, sir, if you give us one more week,...
Mr. Sanders: Your time is up!
Mrs. Sanders: Yeah, your time is up!
Mr. Sanders: And I'm going to call all the other parents to tell them to come claim their kids as well! Your camp is a WASTE ...of time!
Horace: But, Dad, I...
Mr. Sanders: What?! [Horace looks at Cartman, who look back concerned]
Horace: ...Nothin'. [he and his parents turn right and walk away]
Susan: We're in trouble, Rick.
Scene Description: South Park, day. At the television studio preparations are made for Kenny's test of endurance. Tweek, Token, Clyde, Butters, and Kyle (with hammer) are onstage. The sounds of sawing and hammering fill the air. Ms. Crabtree is prepped for the test, with her legs spread open and the genital area blocked off by small curtains.
Kyle: Alright, Ms. Crabtree. Is it comf'table enough?
Ms. Crabtree: HOW LONG HAVE I GOT TO SIT HERE?
Kyle: Six hours.
Ms. Crabtree: HELL, I'LL DO SIX HOURS FOR THE FIVE HUNDRED BUCKS YOU'RE PAYING ME!
Kyle: Great.
Stan: [enters and runs to the stage] You guys! It's Kenny! He's been arrested for prostitution in New York!
Kyle: For what?
Stan: For giving Howard Stern a hummer!
Butters: Who-what's a hummer??
Stan: I don't know! All I know is Kenny is in jail for at least three months!
Kyle: Three months?! But the pay-per-view is tomorrow!
Stan: I know! [Kyle gets an idea. He and Stan descend the steps to talk to the new Cartman, who stands nearby]
Kyle: [sits next to the new Cartman. Stan sits by Kyle's other side] He worked so hard, come so close. Now we'll never see Kenny crawl up into Ms. Crabtree's uterus.
New Cartman: You know, maybe we've all learned something here. I mean, we set Kenny up to further and further himself each time, havin' to always outdo himself. Now he's in jail for being a whore. And perhaps, just perhaps, we are to blame. [Kyle looks at him with suspicious anger]
Kyle: ...Alright, that does it! [rises and backs up a bit] This has been bothering the hell out of me! [reaches for the new Cartman's cap and pulls it off, revealing a puffy head of hair. Stan registers shock] I knew it! You're not Cartman at all!
New Cartman: Uh oh.
Scene Description: The Krazy Kenny Show. The big moment arrives
Announcer: Well, we've seen him do just about every disgusting thing in the book, and today live on pay-per-view, Krazy Kenny is going to crawl into a woman's uterus for six hours! [the audience jumps and applauds] Well, Ms. Crabtree, your cervix has been dilated, your womb equipped with oxygen- How do you feel?
Ms. Crabtree: I feel great! I haven't had this much attention paid to my coot since I was 16!
Audience: [jumping, cheering] Hooray!
Announcer: Well, let's bring out the man of the hour, you know him as the-
Scene Description: The Krazy Kenny Show, backstage. Kyle and Stan get the new Cartman, now the new Kenny, ready, dressing him like Kenny.
Kyle: Don't worry, dude. You're gonna do great.
New Kenny: [pulls the hood off his face] No way! I'm not doing this!
Kyle: Oh, you're doing it, or else we're gonna bust your whole scheme wide open, and tell your mom you haven't actually been at your drug rehab this whole time!
New Kenny: But this isn't fair!
Stan: [walks up and puts the hood back on the new Kenny] Deal, druggie!
New Kenny: (But I'm gonna starve to death if I get in there!)
Scene Description: The Krazy Kenny Show, later
Announcer: And here he is, Kenny McCormick! [Kenny enters, waves to the audience as it cheers, and walks towards Ms. Crabtree. Kenny parts the little curtains and the audience quiets down. The audience reacts as Kenny climbs into the uterus] We can watch him on the video monitors. How are you doin' in there, Kenny? [four monitors frame the stage prop behind Ms. Crabtree. Above her is a digital timer. Inside the womb, Kenny holds his right thumb up]
Carol: That's my boy! [Stuart smiles]
Scene Description: Hopeful Hills Children's Weight Management Center, next day. The parents have come for their campers. All the parents are fat, too.
Rick: Good-bye, Chad.
Chad's Dad: We'll be wanting our refund, naturally.
Rick: Naturally.
Susan: Good-bye, Alice.
Alice: Good-bye. Thank you.
Rick: Oh, don't thank us. We failed you.
Cartman: [off to one side] ...65, 66, 67... [counting the dollars he's collected during his stay]
Chad: [at the back door of the car, turns around] Wait a second! This isn't right! [other campers and their parents stop] It's time for me to be responsible for my own actions! Mom, Dad, we've been eating candy this whole time! Eric Cartman's been sneaking in junk food!
Cartman: [through gritted teeth] Eh- shut up, you half-Chad!
Horace: No, he's right. The counselors've been doing a good job. We've just been cheating.
Other campers: Yeah.
Horace: I believe I can lose the weight with exercise and proper diet. I don't wanna make excuses no more.
Girl: Me neither.
Other campers: Yeah. [newly overjoyed, Rick and Susan grin and look at each other]
Horace: If you take us back, we promise we won't cheat.
Rick: Well, it's alright with me. Parents?
Mr. Sanders: Well, what the heck. Maybe when you're all done you can teach me a thing or two, huh son? [rubs his son's hair; Horace looks up and grins at him]
Cartman: You know? You guys are right. I'm sick of being the fat kid, too. I've been making excuses all my life. But I know deep down that if I took responsibility and really tried hard, and we all tried together, well we really can lose the weight! [grins hopefully]
Susan: Oh no, not you. You're not welcome here anymore.
Campers: Yeah.
Cartman: What?!
Rick: Bubbye. [turns around and walks into the registration building with Susan. The rest of the campers follow them in.]
Cartman: Well, screw you, fatasses! [begins sobbing, and pulls out a donut from his pocket. He eats at it between sobs.]
Scene Description: The Krazy Kenny Show, stage. The countdown continues...
Audience: Four, three, two, one!
Announcer: He did it! Come on out, Kenny! [nothing happens] You made it six hours, Kenny. Come on out of there. [nothing] Hmmm. Uh, Ms. Crabtree, maybe you could give him a little push. [Ms. Crabtree breathes in and pushes down. The new Kenny comes out of the uterus and slides down the steps of the stage]
Audience: OOOOHHHHHH!
Dr. Doctor: He's dead. The pressure must have killed him.
Ms. Crabtree: I told you I was a tight virgin flower.
Stan: [pointing] Oh my God, they've killed Kenny! ...Sort of.
Kyle: Yeah. They've kinda killed Kenny -'s look-alike. You bastards!
Announcer: Well, he gave his life for our amusement. One little boy who dared to be different. Let us never forget... Kenny McCormick. [Ms. Crabtree pushes down and another boy, wearing glasses, descends] Who was that?


Scene Description: South Park, day, Kyle's house. Kyle is playing football with Ike on the front lawn. The football rests in front of Ike
Kyle: Come on. Throw the football, Ike.
Ike: [picks up the football] No on dahdo. [the football weighs him down and he sinks into the snow. Kyle rushes forward]
Stan: [rushes up with Cartman and Kenny] Dude! [Kyle looks] You're not gonna believe what Cartman has!
Kyle: Hepatitis B?
Cartman: No, dickhole. Four tickets, 28th row, for the Raging Pussies!
Kyle: ...You got Raging Pussies tickets??
Stan: We're going tomorrow night! Cartman's got the bus schedule all figured out!
Kyle: [withdraws] Hold on. I'll be right back. [turns and runs into the house]
Scene Description: Kyle's house, living room. On the sofa Gerald reads a newspaper, Sheila reads a book. Kyle rushes up to them
Kyle: Mom, Dad, can I go with the guys to see the Raging Pussies?
Sheila: No, Kyle.
Kyle: But all the guys are going!
Sheila: Kyle, you're not old enough, and those concerts are dangerous and vile.
Kyle: But Mom, I-
Gerald: The answer is no, Kyle!
Kyle: Ugh! [turns right and walks out]
Scene Description: Kyle's house, front lawn. Kyle rejoins the boys
Kyle: My parents said I can't go.
Stan: [blinks at Cartman, who blinks back] Well, of course your parents said you can't go!
Cartman: Dummy, you don't ask if you can go! I'm telling my parents I'm staying at Stan's house, Stan's telling his parents he's staying at Kenny's house, and Kenny's not telling his parents anything, 'cause they're alcoholics and they don't care!
Kenny: (Yeah!)
Kyle: [looks down] Ah. Oh, now I already told them.
Cartman: Well, I guess you're screwed, then. [walks away with the other two]
Kyle: No! It's alright! Just give me some time to work on them. I'll see you guys later. [turns and runs back into the house. Ike finally throws the football off and looks out from the snow]
Scene Description: Kyle's house, living room. Kyle tries to persuade his parents
Kyle: ...But what if I do a bunch of chores around the house? Come on, you're being unfair!
Sheila: Alright. Fine, Kyle, you can go to the Raging Pussies concert if you clean out the garage, shovel the driveway and bring democracy to Cuba!
Kyle: What's Cuba?
Gerald: A communist country run by a dictator named Fidel Castro.
Kyle: And do I have to shovel the whole driveway, or just the side the car is on?
Sheila: The whole thing.
Kyle: Hoh, geez. [walks away]
Scene Description: Kyle's house, his bedroom, night. He's at his desk writing a letter. He's done his other chores
Kyle: Dear Mr. Castro: [thinks] I am an eight-year-old American boy who lives in South Park.
Scene Description: Centro Nacional de Cuba. Castro, flanked by an armed guard on each side, is at his desk reading Kyle's letter
Kyle: And if I had just one wish, just one wish in the whole world, If I had one wish it'd be for Cuba to change. [Castro sees a drawing of a sad Kyle holding a flower, which fades to a sad Kyle writing his letter] Because I think that all the Cubans are in pain All the joy in the world, from sea to shining sea [Kyle finishes a drawing of a sad rainbow coalition atop a world globe] Doesn't mean a thing if Cubans aren't free [Castro see a drawing of a sad Kyle inside a small house] I just can't be very happy, that's certain [A picture of Kyle replaces his self-portrait on the paper] Not as long as your Cubans are hurtin' [Kyle finishes one last drawing of himself, which Castro sees last] Oh, won't you search your soul and find a way to change your mind? That is my one and only wish.
Castro: ¡¡Llamen a todos junto!!
Scene Description: Kyle's house, living room, next day. He and his parents watch TV and a news brief comes on. Kyle smiles, his parents are stunned
Reporter: Once again, this does mark the end of Communism in Cuba. Cuban dictator Fidel Castro claims he was finally convinced by a young boy's letter. [A shot of Kyle behind a wooden fence comes up] Now the country is again open to American tourism. [shot of Sheila and Gerald stunned] Plans can finally resume for Knott's Berry Farm Cuba. [Sheila and Gerald look at each other]
Kyle: [exults] I did it! Now I can go to the Raging Pussies!
Sheila: No you can't!
Kyle: [wounded, turns] What??
Gerald: Kyle, your mother and I don't want you going to the Raging Pussies concert! We gave you a chore that we thought was impossible. You weren't supposed to actually do it.
Kyle: But I did! Ah, I brought democracy to Cuba!
Sheila: We know, Kyle, but we just don't want you going to their concert.
Kyle: But that's not fair! You lied to me!
Gerald: Kyle, perhaps we handled this wrong, buh- but you need to understand that we don't want-
Kyle: What I understand is that you totally screwed me over!! So why should I have to listen to you?!
Gerald: Because we're your parents!
Kyle: Well I wish I didn't have any parents! [walks to the front door, opens it, and exits, shocking Gerald and Sheila]
Sheila: Kyle!
Scene Description: Kenny's house, front steps. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman sit on the steps as Kenny plays on the lawn with a fire truck
Kyle: It's so unfair! How can my parents do that to me?!
Stan: Parents can be pretty cruel sometimes, dude. They get off on it.
Kyle: They're evil! I WISH I DIDN'T HAVE ANY PARENTS!
Cartman: [smoothly] Well, you... could make them... go away for a while.
Kyle: How?!
Cartman: Well, I mean, you... could... call the police and have them take your parents away.
Stan: The police?
Cartman: Yeah, I saw it on TV. All you gotta do is call the police and say that your parents both molestered you.
Kyle: What's that?
Cartman: I don't know, but it works. When I wanted to get rid of my mom's last boyfriend, I just called the police, and said he was molestering me, and I haven't seen him for three months.
Kyle: [awed] Wow! Three months without parents!
Kenny: (Wow, that is awesome!)
Stan: But what do the police do to them?
Kyle: Who cares? My parents deserve whatever they get. They're liars and cheats.
Cartman: You have to make it convincing, though, when you call the police. You have to be like, [slight whine] "my parents molestered me."
Kyle: [straight] "My parents molestered me."
Cartman: No, but you've gotta cry, like this: [starts a fake sob, rubs his eyes] "My parents molestered me." [stops the fake cry] And then they'll say something like, "Was it a good touch or a bad touch?" and you say [rolls his eyes as he thinks] "Uh, it was a good touch" or- no wait, [points] you say it was a bad touch.
Kyle: What's "bad touch"?
Cartman: Something about a swimsuit - I don't remember, but you definitely answer "bad touch."
Kyle: Okay, molestered, bad touch.
Cartman: Yeah, And cry. [Kyle lets out a soft cry] Oh, he's ready.
Scene Description: Kyle's house, front lawn, day. Police and press gather round as the four boys and Ike watch by the driveway. Gerald and Sheila exit the house followed by two policemen. Two reporters try to ask them questions as cameras go off all around them
Sheila: Oh my God, this isn't happening. I would never touch my children like that.
Case Worker: [female] You do have the right to remain silent, ma'am. I suggest you use that right.
Sheila: Ugh, please, just listen to me! [Cartman chuckles as Kyle's parents are taken to the back door of a squad car] What about my children? Who will take care of them?
Case Worker: Oh, now you care?! They're going to live with their grandmother.
Sheila: Their grandmother's been dead for three years. [she is put into the back seat, and the door is shut. The window is rolled down] You're not listening to me. Kyle, tell these people that your- [the window is raised so her voice can't be heard clearly] mother never raped you! Tell them! It's my fault. Say it! Tell them right now!!
Case Worker: [walks up to Kyle] They'll never be able to hurt you again. [picks Kyle up and hugs him]
Kyle: Cool, thanks.
Case Worker: [drops Kyle and stands up] Alright, folks. Our work here is done. [police cars doors close, police cars zoom away, and everyone else disperses]
Stan/Kyle: [Cartman grins] Alright! [high-five each other]
Scene Description: Kyle's house, living room, shot of the hallway and stairs. "Old Time Rock 'N' Roll" plays. Kyle slides into view in his hat and underwear, facing away from the camera. He looks left and his sunglasses are shown. As the first words are sung, Kyle faces the camera and lip-syncs to them. With Chinpokomon around them, Kenny, Stan, and Cartman jump gleefully up and down on the sofa. In the kitchen Ike sticks a fork into the toaster. Kyle dances some more.Next scene is the Raging Pussies concert outside and inside a stadium. The four boys are in the audience, and Kyle is still in underwear. Next scene shows kids from all over descend on Kyle's house for a party at night. Everyone dances inside, some kids are eating pizza and Kyle is still in underwear.
Stan: Dude! Having no parents is awesome! I'm gonna say my parents molestered me, too.
Cartman: Hey, yeah! We should all say our parents molestered us!
Kids: Yeah, uh huh, woo hoo!
Scene Description: Stan's house, living room. He's on the phone crying. Next scene, his parents are hauled off by five cops. Shelly is shocked to see her parents go, but Stan begins to dance. She looks at him angrily and begins to pull her fist back. Stan stops dancing and points at her. A cop hauls her off. Stan resumes dancing. Kenny's house, living room. Kenny's on the phone. Next scene: his parents are being placed in the back seat of a squad car.Cartman's house, front door. The door opens and Liane is hauled out, then one man, then Chef. Cartman appears after them and stops at the door, and waves goodbye to them.South Park Elementary, Ms. Choksondik's class. In front of the class, she's hauled off. Then Principal Victoria is taken away, and then Mr. Mackey, as Butters accuses him of something to the case worker. Four panes appear, with a child in each one (Clyde, Francis, Red, and Token) calling the police. At the local bar police swarm in and the patrons scatter. Final shot: All the parents are gathered at the gates of Canyon City Maximum Security Prison
TV Announcer: The following hot presentation is for mature audiences only.
Cartman: [slides up in front of the others] You guys! Come out here! [walks out the door. The other two follow, leaving Ike alone on the sofa.]
Scene Description: Downtown South Park. The sky is a deep blue and the streets are clear of snow. Token, Butters and Kenny stand behind Filmore and his friend. Cartman, Stan, Kyle, Ike, and Clyde
Stan: What's going on?
Cartman: Notice anything? [before them the town sits empty as the sun sits between two mountains in a red sky.] Watch. [takes a stone and throws it hard. It flies through the air and goes through a first-floor window on a building two blocks away]
Kyle: ...Nothing.
Cartman: Yeah, nothing. There's not an adult left in town. [more kids gather] They've all been arrested, and the ones that weren't arrested have moved away because they're scared of being arrested
Kyle: Not one adult left?
Stan: [steps forward] ...Then it's ours. The whole town. It's ours.
Scene Description: The Rockies, some days later. A car winds its way down the winding road in a snow storm
Woman: Oh, sweetie, I have no idea where we are.
Man: I haven't seen a road marker for miles. What was the last highway we were on?
Woman: There has to be a town around here somewhere.
Man: Maybe you're reading the map wrong.
Woman: Hey, it was your idea to take the backroads. [both of them are suddenly shocked as the engine begins to falter]
Man: What the? [the speedometer goes down to 0 and the car begins to hobble] Oh no. No, no, no, no.
Woman: What's the matter with it?
Man: [worried] I have no idea. Oh, we're gonna have to find some help quick. We're not gonna make it more than a couple of miles.
Woman: Oh, look! There's a town up ahead. [the signpost for South Park appears, but "SMiLEy ToWN" appears in yellow over it. Underneath the sign, a clown mask appears while four balloons] Smiley Town? That's a strange name.
Man: Well, it'll have to do. It's probably the only town for a hundred miles. [they pass the sign.]
Scene Description: Smiley Town, a beat-up gas station. The car rolls up and the man and woman get out. The woman joins the man on the driver's side of the car.
Woman: Hello? Is anybody here? [so rustling is heard and Butters emerges from the garage in a mechanic's suit]
Butters: Hoh, hahh, can I- help you folks?
Man: ...Yes, we need a mechanic to look at our car.
Butters: Oh, well-l-l, uh, I'm the mec-hanic, I guess. Woh-what seems to be the problem?
Man: ...It's... just you here?
Butters: No, uh Craig's here, too.
Man: Oh, good.
Butters: But he's playing Spaceman right now. Huh. Hey, Craig! [Craig exits the office wearing a space outfit complete with helmet]
Craig: [approaches] What?
Man: Look we're in a bit of a spot here! I've got a very important job interview tomorrow morning in Breckenridge, so I have to get my car fixed fast! Is there another garage in town?
Butters: Huuuhhhh, no.
Man: How about a phone? Can we just use the phone?
Butters: Phone here doesn't work. Haa-I'm afraid the only phone that does work... is over in Treasure Cove.
Man: Fine! Can you take us there?
Craig: You... sure you wanna go to Treasure Cove?
Woman: Yes.
Butters: Uhh rrreeally are you sure?
Man: Yes.
Butters: Oh, alright then. [to Craig] Uh, show 'em where it is.
Scene Description: Downtown Smiley Town. Craig leads the couple down the streets to a white line running down the center of a cross street
Craig: [stops just short of the line] This is the end of Smiley Town. The only phone is somewhere in Treasure Cove. If you wanna find it, you're gonna have to cross the white line.
Man: Well, can you help us find the phone, please?
Craig: Hell no! I'm not crossing the white line.
Woman: Why not?!
Man: Alright, let's just... go, Linda. I don't have time for Spaceman Spiff's little games.
Craig: Craig.
Man: What?
Craig: It's Spaceman Craig. [walks away slowly, deliberately, making sci-fi sound effects as he walks. Linda and her husband look at each other baffled. They then walk forward...]
Scene Description: Downtown Treasure Cove. The couple walks into this town to the sound of ominous music. The town looks worse than Smiley Town does.
Two Small Voices: [off screen] Carousel. [the couple notices a shadow between two buildings. The shadow moves away quickly, and the couple walks on. More ominous music comes up as the walking resumes walking]
More Voices: Nah nah nanah nah! [a post falls over, scaring Linda into her husband's arms]
Man: Look, there's an elementary school [the school has been renamed Treasure Cove Elementary, and it is extremely trashed] Come on, there might be some teachers inside. [the couple heads for the school, but a toy Mega zips by them]
Linda: [holds on to her husband] What is that? [the truck turns around and comes back] WAAH [raises a foot to avoid being hit by the truck. The truck goes down the street, then turns around and returns once more, stopping in front of the frightened couple] What do you want from us??
Man: Linda, it's a remote-controlled car. [the truck repositions itself] Looks like maybe there's a little camera on it. [the couple is seen in a little monitor inside the school. The truck does have a camera in it]
Linda: Mark, I don't like this.
Mark: Relax, Linda, everything's fine. [looks closer at the truck. A little index finger presses on a button named Lemmin Juice. The truck ejects a stream of juice] Ow. [squirt] Ow. [rubs his eyes]
Linda: [panicking] What is it?! Acid?!
Mark: No, uh, it's lemon juice.
Linda: Oh God! Are you blind?!
Mark: No, it just really, really, really hurts!
Linda: Mark? Mark, look. [Mark rubs his eyes, then blinks them to focus. Before him is a line of kindergartners. The two sides stare at each other, then a girl steps forward] Well, hello. What's your name? [the girl just looks back at her] What- what do you want?
Jenny: We wanna play.
Linda: [panicked, rises] Mark, I'm scared!
Mark: [rises] Don't be scared. They're just kids. [to the kindergartners] Where are your parents?!
Filmore: We already played with our parents.
Jenny: How, we wanna play wit' youuuu. [points at the couple]
Mark: [silence] ...Okay, I'm scared now, too. That freaked me out.
Kindergartners: [come at the couple all at once] We wanna play wit' you! [jump on the couple]
Mark: Get off me! [twirls, but the kids don't fall off]
Linda: Oh God, Mark! Help! [the couple goes towards the dividing line between Smiley Town and Treasure Cove]
Filmore: [clinging onto Linda] Oh no! She's crossing the white line!
Kindergartners: Whoa! [fall off the couple and quickly rise to cross the line back to Treasure Cove. Spitballs come flying at them]
Kindergartner: Spitwads! [the launchers are seen: the sixth graders, Pip, Clyde, and Craig, with their straws.]
Craig: [space helmet off] Take that, kindergartners!
Kindergartners: Ew! [all turn to leave. Jenny is the last to go. The older kids and the couple watch them leave]
Mark: What the hell is gong on here?!
Craig: [space helmet back on] Kindergartners. Treasure Cove is full of them.
Mark: Alright, kid! We demand to see an adult this instant!
Craig: I got new orders. I'm supposed to take you to see the mayor.
Mark: The mayor! Good! Finally!
Scene Description: Smiley Town City Hall, day. Pictures of Cartman adorn the building and the path to the front door. A large inflatable King Kong floats above the snow and is tethered to the ground below. Craig and Butters lead Mark and Linda into the Mayor's office, where they face Cartman behind the desk, with Dog Poo and Francis as his assistants.. Clyde Frog sits on the desk at Cartman's right side, and his boombox is at left.
Cartman: Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Cotner. Won't you come in, please? [Mark and Linda look at each other] Mr. and Mrs. Cotner, as the mayor of Smiley Town, I would like to ask you a few questions.
Linda: You're the mayor? What the hell is gong on here?! Where are your parents?!
Cartman: Parents? [his left-hand assistant (Francis) whispers in his ear and withdraws] Ah, you mean the birth-givers. They're not around.
Mark: No parents in the entire town? What happened to them?
Cartman: Okay, see, I am the mayor of Smiley Town, and so I will ask the questions around hyah!
Linda: Look, just point us to a phone, kid, alright?
Cartman: Eheh, I'm afraid you'll find all the phones... quite out of service.
Mark: No phones, either? How do you communicate?
Cartman: [opens up an empty jar and speaks into it] Butters, I need an ETA on the car, stat. [closes the lid on the jar as Francis waits on him and hands the jar to Francis. He hops down and goes out the door]
Mark: Alright, we've had just about enough here! That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen! I don't care what little games you kids wanna play, we just want outta here, alright? [the boy returns with the jar and hands it back to Cartman, who opens it up again]
Butter's Voice: It's gonna be about three days. [Cartman looks at the couple, who stand speechless]
Cartman: [tosses the jar aside, and it breaks] So, it appears that you need me. Which is good, because... I need you, too. [moves a plate of treats forward] Ringy-ding?
Mark: I have the job interview of my life in Breckenridge! Just tell me how to get to a phone or a car!
Francis: SpitBall!
Cartman: Aaahh! [jumps from his chair a second before a huge spitball crashes through the window and lands on the floor. He picks himself off the floor and goes to look out the window angrily] You sons of bitches! [turns to the couple] You see what we're dealing with here. Tonight is Carousel. And they will try to kill one of us. Eh, you two seem to have the uncanny ability to cross the white line. If you help us, we'll get you what you need. [Mark and Linda, both unsure, look at each other]
Scene Description: Dividing line at the John Elway Memorial Park. The couple enters the park, Mark on the left side of the line, Linda on the right side
Linda: Mark, are we doing the right thing?
Mark: Look! If getting the stupid book will get me a cell phone, I don't care!
Linda: I just don't know if you're dealing with these kids the right way.
Mark: [stops and scolds] Well, I told you I can't deal with kids, Linda! That's why I don't want to have children!
Linda: [encouraging] Hey, I think you'd make a great father.
Mark: Oh, let's not go through this again, Linda. D- [moves forward again. Before them is a 20-ft John Elway statue.] Look, here's the book they've been talking about- [softly] it makes no sense.
Linda: My God! Mark! [in front of the statue is a small altar on which sit two kids. A dead dog is on the ground, and off to one side is a dead Kenny. Mark approaches him and inspects him closely] What is it??
Mark: It's a boy. [reaches down to touch Kenny. Kenny's left hand and arm have been eaten away, leaving only the bones. Kenny's head turns when Mark touches him, and only the skull remains] They... killed him.
Linda: The bastards. Oh, Mark, let's get out of here.
Kindergartners: Nah nah nanah nah!
Linda: Na-a-ah! [older kids in costume enter the park and line up behind the kindergartners]
Mark: Oh no! [they both turn, only to face another group of kids. Both groups close in on them]
Linda: Mark!
Mark: [to the kids] Uh. The fat kid told us to take it. [the angry mod captures them]
Scene Description: Treasure Cove Elementary, evening. Inside, Mark and Linda are tied, asleep and backs to each other, next to a bonfire.
Mark: [wakes up first] Wuh. Aah! Mark! Mark, wake up! [Mark awakens and both look at the group of kids, from kindergartners to fifth graders, staring back]
Kids: Nah nah nanah nah! [close in on the couple again]
Stan: You guys, stop it! [glides down from a tall pole in the school gym and jumps to a spot in front of the couple] Sorry about them. Kindergartners are kind of spazzes.
Kyle: [emerges from the group and stands next to Stan] Yeah. [these two head Treasure Cove]
Mark: Why are you doing this?
Stan: How come you wanna help the fatass?!
Mark: Who?
Kyle: The fatass. The mayor.
Mark: Look, I have the job interview of my life in less than- [struggles to view his watch, but finally does] -12 hours! I just need a phone, and he said he'd help me if I took your book so you couldn't... kill them anymore.
Stan: You got foolied, outlander! We're the only ones with a working phone. And if you had taken our book, then it's one of us who dies tonight at Carousel!
Linda: Uh, how did this all happen? Why do you children live in this town alone?
Kyle: Because we do. It was like this yesterday, and the day before that.
Linda: But what about before that?
Stan: You mean in the before time? In the long, long ago?
Linda: Yes!!
Stan: If we tell you, will you help us stop Fatass?
Mark: I'll do anything to get to a phone!
Stan: Alright. Everybody gather round. We're gonna tell the story of the before time again.
Kids: The Before time.
Boy: The story of the before time.
Stan: [with a torch, walks up to a chalk drawing on a wall of a family] Way back, in the long long ago, we all lived by the birth-givers' laws. But the birth-givers were unfair. They made us go to bed early and eat broccoli. [a drawing of broccoli is shown]
Kids: Yuck, yuck, yuck.
Stan: [walks past a drawing of Cartman] And so the fatass came up with a way to have all the birth-givers disappear. [stops at a drawing of two police officers arresting an adult, with a squad car in the background], by using the magic M word. [a large M is shown]
Kids: Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
Stan: Soon we were without power, water, or fresh food. But we tried to survive. Under the guidance of... the Provider. [a drawing of a statue]
Kids: Provider. Provider.
Stan: The fatass and us disagreed on how to worship the provider. The fatass tried to make us follow his way by making himself the school principal. So we made ourselves the superintendents of school. But then he just made himself the mayor. The town split sides and that's when the Provider got angry. [an angry Provider shoots bolts of lightning from his body, and two victims are at his feet]
Kids: Boo!
Boy: Bwack bwack!
Kids: Coosh!
Stan: So now, every night, the Provider must be appeased at Carousel. We need their book so one of ours doesn't die. [the two books are shown, with the line between them]
Kids: Carousel, Carousel.
Stan: We all know that one day, the Provider will set us free. Make everything like it was in the before time. In the long, long ago.
Mark: Ah-ah-ah-ah,let me get this straight: if I go get the fat kid's book on the other side of the white line, you'll show me where a cell phone is?
Stan: Yes. No foolies.
Kids: No foolies.
Scene Description: Treasure Cove Elementary, evening, outside. The couple is still inside
Mark: No, uh, it's it's it's right out here. Come on. [pushes the front door of the school and it falls away] Linda, I want you to just go back to the car and wait for me, alright? I'll go get that fat kid's book so I can use their phone.
Linda: Mark, I'm scared. [holds on to him]
Mark: I know, but this will all be over soon.
Scene Description: Canyon City Maximum Security Prison, day. Sheila, dressed in prison orange, is brought into a large room to join the other adults, and the door is locked behind her.
Sheila: Oh, Gerald, I haven't seen you for so long!
Gerald: Hello, honey, how has prison been for you?
Sheila: Oh, it's awful! Just awful.
Speaker: Alright parents, let's all take our seats. [Gerald and Sheila sit] My name is Scott Evans, and I am a prison rehabilitation counselor.
Randy: Uh, excuse me, but my wife and I honestly never touched our child.
Gerald: Eh, neither did we.
Carol: We didn't, either.
Mr. Evans: Enough, enough! [all fall silent] Look, it's obvious we have a lot of emotional issues and personal demons to face here. During your prison time, you will all be spending one hour a day in therapy here with me. What I want you to do is learn to control those sick, sexual urges you have. Now we're gonna try an exercise: I'm gonna confront you with what you lust after most. [walks off and brings back a life-size stand-up of "Beaver" Cleaver] Alright parents, now I, I know this is difficult, but I want you to just look at this child. Just try to suppress your urges to rape him. [no response from the inmates] Just think about somethin' else. Think about clouds and beaches. Don't think about his supple, soft little body.
Gerald: Oh, that's disgusting!!! Now, now stop this!!
Mr. Evans: Fight your urges, Mr. Broflovski!
Gerald: I don't have any urges!
Mr. Evans: I can't help you if you won't admit you need help!! Now sit down! [Gerald thinks a moment, then sits down] Look, I know this is very difficult for all of you. Most of you are still in denial about what you've done! To you it seems you've never raped your children at all! But you did. Help meeee help youuuu. [the adults remain silent, no objections] Now let's try again. [genuflects] Look at this young man. Just look. Don't rape. Fight it. Fight it!
Scene Description: Smiley Town, street. Linda walks out from behind a van.
Linda: Oh God, God, please just let us out of this place. [reaches the gas station and is horrified by what she sees. The couple's car has been placed on blocks and thoroughly stripped of its parts. Butters comes out from behind the car with a window handle]
Butters: I think I found the problem, ma'am. A broken window roller-upper.
Linda: [backs up] Oh no. NO! [turns around and stops in her tracks.] Aaaah! [Cartman's group faces her]
Cartman: Where is your husband?
Linda: Uh, uh...
Cartman: Seize her! [the others move forth]
Scene Description: Treasure Cove Elementary, evening, school gym. Mark has returned
Mark: Alright, I got the book for you. [hands it to Stan]
Stan: [receives it] Awesu-home!
Mark: Now, can I please have the cell phone?
Kyle: Sure, outlander. I'll get it [starts to move...]
Cartman: [outside] Outlander! [all look in the direction of the sound]
Scene Description: Treasure Cove Elementary, outside. Cartman, holding a taser, leads the Smiley Town members to the school. Linda is bound and gagged, but can still walk
Cartman: Outlander! We have your woman! She still lives, outlander! Outlander, her blood was fair!
Butters: Oo what the heck are you talkin' about?
Cartman: Butters, calm down, alright?
Scene Description: Canyon City Maximum Security Prison, day, meeting room.
Mr. Evans: Okay, so what are some other things that we can do besides molest our children?
Man: [in back row] See a movie?
Mr. Evans: Sure, "see a movie"'s good. [writes it down on the blackboard] We could see a movie instead of molesting our children. What else?
Carol: Make a sweater?
Mr. Evans: Uh huh. I'll put ah, "knitting, sewing." [writes them down] Who's got another one?
Blond Man: [to Liane's left] Molest children?
Mr. Evans: Nonono, we're looking for things to do besides molesting our children.
Blond Man: Oh. Fishing?
Mr. Evans: Fishing's good. Uh huh. [writes that down]
Scene Description: John Elway Memorial Park, night. The two towns meet at the dividing line, Linda with Smiley Town, Mark with Treasure Cove.
Cartman: I believe you have something of ours, outlander! Give it back, or the female gets it! [gives her a small shock]
Linda: Mmrrhhhh!
Cartman: Heh, heheh.
Linda: Rrrmm-mmrrhh!
Mark: Give him the book back.
Stan: No. If they have it, one of ours will die for Carousel!
Cartman: We're running out of time! Hand our book over, quick!
Mark: Enough of this! You kids are all in big trouble! [goes to ungag his wife, and the statue's clock begins to peal: 8:00 p.m. An electric current makes its way down to a pool of water and returns to the statue, electrifying it. The right arm, holding a football, moves forward]
Cartman: The Provider awakes!
Stan: It's time for Carousel! Haha, your side doesn't have its book, fatass! That means someone on your side is sacrificed tonight.
Cartman: Aw, damnit! Alright. [gets formal] It is decided. [points, in normal voice] Butters, your turn. [other kids back away. Tweek and another boy take Butters away.]
Butters: Oh, I'm gonna be sacrificed to the Provider!
Mark: Stop right there! Nobody's killing anybody tonight!
Linda: Be careful, Mark. They'll make you disappear with the M word.
Cartman: Yeah, we'll call the police and say you molestered us, too.
Mark: What? [Butters makes his way to the altar on the dividing line. Tweek and three others monitor him]
Butters: I'm here for you, Provider! Uh, take me! [Tweek and the other three chain him up]
Mark: Is that what happened to the adults here?! You lied to the police and said they molested you?! My God, they were your parents!
Stan: [all the kids turn from the altar and face the couple] Parents?
Mark: The birth-givers! Your birth-givers. [Stan and Kyle look at each other] Don't you remember? They are your providers! Not some statue! And they're not up in some fantastical faraway land now. [beings to walk into the mob of kids] They're in prison. Probably crying themselves to sleep, cold and lonely and... I'm sure missing you all very, very much. [Filmore and Jenny look at each other. Cartman gazes] Your birth-givers took care of you. That's what their laws and their rules were for, because they love you, and they didn't want you to end up living like... th-this! [motions to the statue of John Elway] He won't take care of you. Your parents... your... providers... will.
Kyle: Parents. Mom. Dad.
Butters: Oh boy, here it comes!
Mark: [moves through the crowd again] If you want things to be the way they were in the before time, in the long, long ago, you all need to call the police and tell them you lied about them M word. [stands next to Linda]
Stan: He's right, dude. Things were a lot better with our parents around.
Kyle: Yeah. I guess their rules did have a point. Things have gotten a lot worse in the ten days since they've been gone.
Mark: Ten days?? It's only been ten days since they left??
Cartman: Take him down. [Tweek and the other three unchain Butters]
Butters: Hey, uh, what are you doin'?? Ha-I'm ready to give myself to Mr. Elway.
Kyle: Here's our cell phone, dude. [hands it to Mark] Will you call the police for us? [Mark begins dialing]
Linda: Hey. Looks like you're not so bad with kids after all.
Mark: Yeah, I guess you're right. Maybe we should have some.
Linda: Yeah, right. After all this, I'm getting my tubes ties tomorrow! [turns around and starts walking away. Mark is surprised]
Scene Description: South Park, day, neighborhood street. The town has been cleaned up. The kids stand in front of a house waiting for a bus to roll up. Cartman, Stan, Kyle, and Craig hold a banner among them which reads, red letters on yellow background, "Welcome Home, PARENTS!" Butters walks up
Stan: Come on, you guys! Our parents are gonna be back any minute!
Kyle: Do you think they're gonna pissed at us for lying that they molested us and sending them all to jail for ten days?
Stan: Well, they can't be too pissed off. I mean, we made them a banner.
Linda: [shows up with Mark] Hey, kids.
Stan: Hey, you guys came back!
Kyle: Did you make it to your job interview?
Mark: Yeah. I got the job. You're looking at the new manager of Denny's in Breckenridge.
Linda: And I got my tubes tied.
Kids: Alright!
Kyle: Well, thanks for everything, you guys. You really helped us see how important parents are.
Kids: Yeah.
Butters: Hey! Here they come! [the sound of a bus is heard. It pulls up and the parents pour out, beginning with the Broflovskis]
Kyle: Mom! Dad!
Sheila: Kids! [all the parents rush to their kids and hug them]
Parents: ...Come here, come here.
Sheila: [holds Ike] Oh, Kyle. Ike, sweetie, you're OK. [Gerald hold Kyle]
Kyle: Yeah. We're fine.
Gerald: Kyle, we're so sorry for the horrible sexual abuse over the years. But we're all better now.
Kyle: But you didn't do anything to me.
Gerald: Hup, we did. We've come to terms with it through therapy and learned to admit it.
Sheila: It won't happen again. [She and Gerald turn and walk off with Ike.]
Kyle: [lags] But, you guys, I-
Sharon: [she and Randy hold Stan] Oh, Stanley, I wish we could take back all the years of abuse, but we can't.
Liane: [genuflects next to Cartman] We've learned to overcome it, son. You'll see.
Stephen Stotch: We love you, son, but we only love you in a platonic way from now on.
Butters: Oo-what the heck are you talkin' about?
Carol: [walks with Stuart] Kenny? Kenny, we're sorry. Where is he?
Jenny's Mother: [she and the father hold Jenny] Everything's gonna be alright now, Jenny. [Jenny's father lets go] Come on, let's go home. [the families begin to disperse. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman stay behind.]
Stan: Huh.
Kyle: Huh.
Mark: [walks up with Linda] Well, what are you kids gonna do now?
Stan: I dunno. [to Kyle and Cartman] You guys wanna build a snow igloo?
Kyle: Sure. [the boys turn left and start walking]
Cartman: Snow igloos kick ass. [Mark and Linda stare as if the events of the last ten days didn't leave an impression on the boys]