Scene Description: Stan's bedroom, night. Sharon is seated on his bed and is reading to him from a book called "The Bubble Gum Prince In The Land Of Chocolate." Stan looks up at her, half-asleep and smiling
Sharon: But the Bubble Gum Prince wasn't afraid. He knew that the Land of Chocolate was safe forever and ever. [Stan's eyelids shut themselves and his left arm falls a bit. He's asleep. Sharon rises from the bed and bends down.] Goodnight my little angel. [kisses him on the forehead, turns out the lamp and closes the door on her way out. Moments later, the door flies off its hinges and a frantic Randy runs in with two large plastic water bottles]
Randy: STAAAN!!
Stan: [awakens and looks around as the lights come on] What?? What??
Randy: Get up! Get your shoes on! Gotta get out of here! MOOVE! [brings the shoes over, but yanks Stan along before Stan has a chance to put them on. As they go down the hall, Randy stops to get a vase and toss the flowers out.] Take this!! [hands the vase to Stan] We've gotta bring all the water we can!! [Shelly opens her door and steps out] Shelly, go get my gun!!
Shelly: Whats going on dad?
Randy: JUST GET THE GUN!! [runs down the hall and down the stairs. Sharon comes out of the master bedroom running while putting her coat on.]
Scene Description: Stan's house, front, night. The family exits. Randy has a sleeping bag
Randy: Unh, come on! [the camera switches to a wider view and shows everyone running around with all manner of items in hand. A man carrying a large first-aid kit trips and moans in pain]
Man: AWWWGH!
Woman: Oh nooo! [Stan sees Kyle in the crowd with his family]
Stan: Kyle! What the hell is going on this time?!
Kyle: I have no idea!
Scene Description: a red car runs into a light pole and its driver flies out through the windshield, ending up either unconscious or dead. A man breaks the display window at Tele's and runs off with a small TV. The community center has its doors open and people run inside it
Man: Take cover in the community center again!
Scene Description: The community center, inside. People try to find places on which to bed down for the night. A nake redhead runs around aimlessly
Jimbo: All right, everyone get in and get a seal on that door!
Linda: Oh my God, Stephen, we've left Butters. [moves to find him. Stephen stops her]
Stephen: We can't go back out, Linda! It's too late for him!
Stan: Dad? [Randy is cutting duct tape into several equal-length strips] Dad, what the hell is going on?! [Randy stands up and faces the boys. Behind him, Mr. Mackey and a man in a raincoat set up a TV]
Randy: A cartoon...! A cartoon is about to air on American television with... with the Muslim prophet Mohammad as a character! [Stan and Kyle look at each other and blink]
Stan: So?
Randy: SO?! Stanley, Mohammad is sacred to the Muslim people. [people around them begin to pay attention] Ever since those cartoons in Denmark, the rules have changed. Nobody shows an image of Mohammad anymore.
Gerald: [approaching in his pajamas] Which cartoon is it? What cartoon'll be so insensitive as to have Mohammad as a character?
Randy: Who do you think?! The cartoon that's always pushing buttons with their careless toilet humor! Family Guy!
Crowd: AWWW!
Jimbo: How could Family Guy do that?
Sheila: Why would Family Guy so blatantly insult Muslims?
Randy: Because Family Guy doesn't care who they insult! They only care about their... precious money!
Stan: Oh come on, people. You really think anybody's gonna be that pissed off about a cartoon??
Mr. Mackey: Wu-we've got the TV working! [the picture comes into focus]
Scene Description: South Park News 4, Anchor Tom reporting
Tom: Once again, a cartoon depicting the Muslim prophet Mohammad is set to air tonight on Family Guy!
Sharon: Oh Randy, hold me. [Randy holds her]
Tom: The news has already sparked a shockwave of protests throughout the Muslim world. [Live footage is shown - a crowd holds an American flag aloft and someone sets it on fire] All over the Middle East, Muslims are burning American flags and Family Guy posters. Muslim terrorist al-Zawahri made this statement:
al-Zawahri: [translated] We are so super pissed off at 'Family Guy'. 'Family Guy' isn't even that funny of a show. A jihad on 'Family Guy', and the 'Family Guy' nation!
Linda: So what happens now?
Randy: We stay here through the night, wait it out to see if they do anything. If we're still alive in the morning, [dramatic closeup] then we'll know we're not dead.
Scene Description: South Park, morning. The sky is red as the sun rises. At the South Park Community Center, Mrs. Garrison opens the doors and looks out.
Mrs. Garrison: It's okay! [everyone heads out]
Randy: We're alive?? We're alive! [pumps his fists]
Jimbo: [listening in on a boombox] Everyone. Everyone, listen. FOX Network censored the image of Mohammad at the last minute.
Crowd: Oh thank God.
Randy: Well, it looks like we've dodged a bullet.
Stan: They censored the image of Mohammad? How?
Kyle: I TIVO every episode. We can go to my house and see what they did.
Scene Description: Kyle's house, later. Kyle leads the boys to the front door running and opens the door. They all go in
Scene Description: Kyle's living room. Kyle gets the TiVo remote and gets to work.
Kyle: Okay you guys, check it out. [begins scanning the recorded programming]
Cartman: You TiVo every episode of Family Guy?
Kyle: Dude, it's a good show.
Stan: Yeah, lots of people like Family Guy.
Cartman: Yich. [Kyle has reached his target. The Family Guy living room is shown. Peter is in his armchair, the rest of the family is on the sofa]
Lois: Peter, I can't believe you invited your old high-school sweetheart over for dinner.
Peter: You think that's bad? Remember when I auditioned to be David Hasselhoff's car? [flashback #1]
Peter: Hey there, Knight Rider. [Michael Knight climbs onto Peter's shoulders and they're off]
Michael: After those bad guys, KITT! [Peter smiles and his teeth glow like KITT's headlights used to]
Chris: Yeah, but Dad, why would you invite an ex-girlfriend to dinner?
Stewie: Perhaps he wants to make our mother nervous.
Peter: Nervous? Like when I had to sell pancakes to the school soccer captain? [flashback #2]
Peter: [rings a doorbell. The captain answers, dressed as Capt. Kirk] Pancakes for you, Captain?
Soccer Captain: I'll be the Captain, and you'll be Tenille. [rushes away and returns with a wig and pale blue dress for Peter to don. Moments later the captain is at a keyboard on the front lawn playing a Captain and Tenille tune as Peter sings]
Peter: Love will keep us together
Kyle: Hehaha, heh.
Cartman: Yich.
Lois: But Peter, I don't wanna cook dinner for your ex-girlfriend.
Peter: Well, maybe we can just have tea.
Brian: You mean like the time you had tea with Mohammad, the prophet of the Muslim faith? [flashback #3]
Peter: Come on, Mohammad, let's get some tea. [Mohammad is covered by a black box with the words "IMAGE CENSORED BY FOX" printed several times from top to bottom inside the box. They stop at a tea stand.]
Mr. T: Try my "Mr. T. ...tea." [squints]
Peter: Oh boy, was that ever weird. Anyway, I can't believe I invited my old sweetheart to dinner. Huh.
Kyle: That's it? That's all they did?
Cartman: Oh man, that's not cool! Seriously, that is not cool.
Stan: What? What's the big deal?
Cartman: What's the big deal? You guys, they just made fun of the religion of an entire group of people. [Stan and Kyle look at each other in silence] What, you guys think that's okay?! Do you care at all about people's feelings?!
Kyle: Since when you care about being sensitive to people's religion, Cartman?!
Stan: Yeah, you rip on people's religion all the time!
Cartman: That's different! I'm just a little boy! That's a cartoon! Millions of people watch it! How would you feel, Kyle, if there was a cartoon on television that made fun of Jews all the time?! Huh?!
Kyle: Uhhh...
Cartman: I'm telling you guys, it's wrong! It's WRONG!! [turns and heads for the front door, then turns back and aims his index fingers at the other boys] It's wrong! [opens the door, heads out, and closes it behind him. Kyle's parents walk in from the kitchen with their survival gear]
Sheila: Kyle? Kyle, what are you watching?!
Peter: Hey Brian, this is like the time I got a job as a carrot cake.
Sheila: Gaaah! It's Family Guy! Quick, Gerald, do something! [Gerald arrives with a bat and begins bashing the television set to bits]
Kyle: Dad, Dad, Jesus Christ!
Gerald: [stops once the picture is gone] It's okay... it's dead.
Sheila: You boys know you're not supposed to watch that careless show!
Kyle: Mom, it was nothing. Mohammad just stood there and then drank some tea.
Sheila: You boys don't understand anything! It's obvious that you ALL need Muslim-sensitivity training!
Scene Description: Mrs. Garrison's class, day. Class is in session, and Mrs. Garrison is at the board
Mrs. Garrison: Welcome to Muslim-Sensitivity Training. It is important for us to understand why the Muslim feel the way they do, and why we can never show an image of Mohammad.
Kyle: No, Muslims can't show an image of Mohammad.
Mrs. Garrison: Kyle, you're not being very sensitive.
Cartman: Yeah, Kyle. Maybe you think this is funny, but the rest of us don't.
Mrs. Garrison: Let's all look at why Muslims are upset: [turns and picks up a stick of chalk] First of all, in the Muslim religion, you're not allowed to have what? [no response] Sex. Good. [writes "NO SEX" on the board] There's no sex until marriage in the Muslim world. [faces the class] Now, this would be fine except that in the Muslim religion you also can't... Anybody? [no response] Jack off. [writes "NO JACKING OFF" on the board] Okay, jacking it is strictly forbidden in the Muslim religion. [faces the class] And what do we know about the places Muslims live? They live in? [no response] Good, sand. [writes "SAND" on the board] Now put yourself in the shoes of a Muslim. It's Friday night, but you can't have sex, and you can't jack off. There's sand in your eyes and probably in the crack of your ass, and then some cartoon comes along from a country where people are getting laid, and mocks your prophet. Well you know what? I'd be pretty pissed off too!
Cartman: Mrs. Garrison, that is ignorant and racist! Muslims are mad because of Family Guy, not because they can't jack off! Right, Wendy?
Wendy: [skeptically] ...yeah.
Mr. Mackey: [over the school PA system] Attention students: Proceed to the school gymnasium immediately for an emergency announcement!
Stan: The hell's going on now?!
Scene Description: The school gym, moments later. The teachers gather behind Mr. Mackey and Principal Victoria as Mr. Mackey gets the TV working. The kids enter and are seated on the floor
Principal Victoria: Shh! Quiet, students, quiet!
Scene Description: SNN special report. A graphic about "FOX: CENSORED" is over the reporter's left shoulder
SNN anchor: Once again, we have just learned that the Family Guy episode featuring Mohammad was only Part 1 of a two-parter! And Part 2 is going to air next week, with Mohammad uncensored!
Cartman: What?
Mrs. Garrison: Why would they-?
SNN anchor: FOX Studios claims that the Family Guy writing staff has demanded the Mohammad character be seen in full view. [a shot of some townsmen watching the news at the bar] The head of FOX had this to say:
FOX President: Family Guy is our biggest show. If they insist we don't censor their work, then we we can't.
Randy: [angrily leaves his bar stool] FAMILY GUY!!! [throws his Corona bottle down; it shatters] I DAMN YOU TO HELL!!!
SNN anchor: Once again, bitter riots have started in the Middle East; this time, even more massive. And terrorist leader al-Zawahri has issued a threat.
al-Zawahri: [translated] Seriously, 'Family Guy' isn't even that well written. The jokes are all interchangeable and usually irrelevant to the plot. When this episode airs-our retaliation will be MASSIVE!!!!
Mr. Mackey: Retaliation... Oh my God. M'kay?
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, afternoon. The kids pour out the front doors
Cartman: Goddamned Family Guy! Now they're just provoking people! It's like they want a holy war!
Stan: Does this mean we don't have school all week?
Cartman: You guys, this is serious! We have to do something!
Kenny: (Like what?)
Cartman: We have to go to the FOX network in L.A. We have to go and... try to get that episode pulled. You guys with me?
Stan: Dude, we can't go anywhere. They've shut down the airports and the buses.
Cartman: Then we'll ride our Big Wheels.
Stan: To Los Angeles?
Cartman: If that's what it takes, yes! We have to talk to the network! The Family Guy writers aren't gonna back down!
Kyle: Well good for them. They shouldn't! The writers are standing up and saying they aren't going to be intimidated!
Cartman: Intimidated?! Is that what you think this is about, Kyle?
Kyle: All right dude, what the hell has gotten into you?! I don't trust for one second that your sudden concern for the Muslim people is real!
Cartman: All right, fine, Kyle. Forget the Muslim faith for a minute. People can get hurt. If ten people die because Family Guy just had to have their little joke, will you still think it's funny? [Kyle stifles an answer] What if a hundred people died? Will it be funny then, Kyle? [Kyle's jaw drops] I'm going to Los Angeles. I'm gonna do whatever I can to get that episode pulled before this gets out of hand. Somebody has to speak for the Muslim people. Somebody has to speak for what's right. [walks off]
Scene Description: Kyle's room, night. Kyle's asleep when his father bursts into the room
Gerald: Kyle! Kyle, wake up! [Sheila and Ike follow him in] We have to go! The terrorists are attacking!
Scene Description: Outside. Terrorists run around with rifles scaring everyone else, but the military gives chase
Kyle: Dad? Are you sure this time?
Gerald: This isn't a joke, Kyle! Bombs have already gone off in six cities!
Kyle: No!
Sheila: Wait a minute! [looks around and drops her stuff] Where's Ike?!
Gerald: [looks around and drops his stuff] He was just here! Ike!
Sheila: Ike! [Kyle goes back through the crowd to look for him]
Kyle: Ike? Iiike! [sees him] Ike! [Ike is heading for the ice cream shop]
Ike: Ice cream. And chocolate.
Kyle: Ike! [points left] This way! [a flash of light fills the night, and Kyle shields his eyes from it. A bomb has gone off behind the ice cream shop and the shockwaves spread out, obliterating the row of stores before Ike.] Iiike! [races towards him. Ike is engulfed by the flames, flesh turning to bone]
Ike: [hauntingly] Kyyyle! [Kyle's flesh is consumed by the flames] Nooooo!
Kyle: [sits upright in his bed and is quite awake now. He catches his breath, then leaves his bed to check on Ike. He opens Ike's door and looks in. Ike is sound asleep under his mobile. Kyle lets out a soft sigh of relief]
Scene Description: Cartman's house, next day. He equips his Big Wheels with whatever he can take to keep him going for the trip to Los Angeles. Cheesy Poofs. Socks. Doughnuts... Kyle stops by on his own Big Wheels
Cartman: Come to try and stop me?! [...a bigger box of Cheesy Poofs...] It isn't gonna work. [...a can of Dr. Pep-er, a can of lemon-lime soda...]
Kyle: I didn't come to stop you. I... I think you're right, Cartman. I want to help you get the Family Guy episode pulled.
Cartman: [...Snacky Cakes...] Yeah well, I don't need a partner on this. [...another can of Dr. Pep-er...] Especially one who doesn't trust me. [seals his knapsack shut]
Kyle: Look, Cartman, I don't know what's gotten into you, but... I I think it's pretty amazing. And I think it's real. You have to understand why I didn't believe you before.
Cartman: [turns around slowly] Yeah. I do understand, Kyle. I've been doing the wrong things for a long time. Doing things for my own selfish reasons. I just wanna do something right, you know? Just this one time.
Kyle: It's a long trip, dude. You're gonna need help. We can try and get the episode pulled together.
Cartman: You know we might not even make it into the studio.
Kyle: I know. But just like you, I feel like I have to try. People can really get hurt, and a joke just isn't worth that.
Cartman: So what made you change your mind?
Kyle: I got some sound advice... from an old friend. [they smile at each other. Cartman turns and hops onto his Big Wheels]
Cartman: Well Kyle, we'd better get going.
Kyle: Yeah! [dramatic shots of Cartman getting on his Big Wheels, then of Kyle doing the same]
Cartman: Are you set?
Kyle: I'm set! Let's do this!
Cartman: All right, let's roll! [they ride off, slowly]
Scene Description: Town meeting in one of the rooms in City Hall. Everyone is talking all at once
Mayor McDaniels: People! People, quiet, please! [the crowd quiets down] We must not panic!
Randy: Well what are we gonna do, Mayor?! Part 2 of the Family Guy episode airs in six days!
Mayor McDaniels: I believe that Professor Thomas from the University has come up with a solution.
Prof. Thomas: [steps up to the podium] Thank you, Mayor. [everyone sits] Now look, everyone, Muslim terrorists and extremists are threatening us for what Family Guy is going to do... because they've wrongly grouped us together. Our only hope is to make the Muslim extremists know... that we had no part in the Mohammad episode. That even though the episode aired, we didn't watch it, we didn't hear it, and we didn't talk about it.
Jimbo: So how do we do that?
Prof. Thomas: We bury our heads. In sand. [flips a board over to reveal his plan for disavowing any knowledge of the episode] We take twenty to twenty-five dump trucks, fill them with sand from Monarch Lake, and then dump the sand along South Park Avenue. By using approximately eighteen dozen shovels, we can each dig a hole in the sand, stick our heads in the holes, and then have the person to our left bury them. If we can manage to get every person's head buried deep, deep in sand before the Mohammad episode airs, we could avoid looking like we're responsible for any part of this at all.
Stephen: No, no, wait a minute, [Mrs. Garrison looks at him] that's ridiculous. [Gerald looks at him] What we need to do is just the opposite. Freedom of speech is at stake here, don't you all see? [makes his way to the board] If anything, we should ALL make cartoons of Mohammad, and show the terrorists and the extremists that we are all united in the belief that every person has a right to say what they want! Look, people, it's... been real easy for us to stand up for free speech lately. For the past few decades we haven't had to risk anything to defend it. But those times are going to come! And one of those times is right now. And if WE... aren't willing to RISK... what we have, then we just believe in free speech, but we don't defend it. [the other people there mull this speech over...]
Randy: I like the sand idea.
Mr. Mackey: Yeah, me too.
Gerald: Yeah. The sand thing sounds a lot simpler. [everyone else agrees]
Mayor McDaniels: We're gonna need eight dozen shovels and sixteen tons of sand! Let's move, people!
Scene Description: Out in the desert during the day, Cartman and Kyle ride along. Cars pass them by
Kyle: We got six days to make it to Los Angeles. If we keep our stops to a minimum, we should be able to get the episode pulled just in time.
Cartman: Yes, and in just a few weeks from now, Family Guy will be off the air forever.
Kyle: [puzzled] Off the air? But... we're just going to try to get the Mohammad episode pulled.
Cartman: It's simple television economics, Kyle. All it takes to kill a show forever is get one episode pulled. If we convince the network to pull this episode for the sake of Muslims, then the Catholics can demand a show they don't like get pulled. And then people with disabilities can demand another show get pulled. And so on and so on, until Family Guy is no more! It's exactly what happened to Laverne & Shirley.
Kyle: [races ahead] Whoa whoa wait a minute! [pulls a hand brake so as to block Cartman, then gets off his Big Wheels] This isn't what I signed up for! I like Family Guy. Why do we have to get it off the air forever?
Cartman: Because they made f-fun of Muslims, and and that's wrong.
Kyle: But that doesn't mean it has to go off the air. You should like that show. Your sense of humor is just like Family Guy.
Cartman: [gets off his Big Wheels, his anger sudden and strong, and walks up to Kyle] Don't you EVER, EVER, compare me to Family Guy! You hear me Kyle??!! Compare me to Family Guy again, and so help me I will kill you where you stand! [turns and goes back to his Big Wheels]
Kyle: [realizes Cartman's true intent] You unbelievable son of a bitch. You never cared about the Muslim religion. Or the safety of people in America. You just want Family Guy off the air.
Cartman: Do you have any idea what it's like?! Everywhere I go, "Hey Cartman, you must like Family Guy, right?" "Hey, your sense of humor reminds me of Family Guy, Cartman." [turns and faces Kyle] I am NOTHING like Family Guy! When I make jokes, they are inherent to a story! Deep, situational and emotional jokes based on what is relevant and has a POINT! Not just one interchangeable joke after another!!
Kyle: What are you talking about?!
Cartman: YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND!
Kyle: I can't believe I let you scare me into taking your side. You used fear to make me stop believing in free speech.
Cartman: Well... I guess you won't be helping me now. No biggie. I don't NEED you to get the episode pulled! [begins to walk towards his Big Wheels]
Kyle: No! [moves to stop Cartman in his tracks] I am NOT letting you go to that television studio and pretend... to care about safety and sensitivity to get a show you don't like off the air!
Cartman: Well then Kyle, I guess we- ...Oh my God, is that Tim McGraw?
Kyle: [turns around to see] What? [Cartman shoves him to the ground from behind and quickly gets on his Big Wheels, and peels away. Kyle gets up] CARTMAN! [gets on his Big Wheels and gives chase.]
Scene Description: The highway. Kyle catches up to Cartman and then tries to run him off the road. Cartman recovers and Kyle tries again. Cartman pulls ahead and Kyle works on one of Cartman's back tires with his big front one. That gets Cartman to fishtail back and forth
Cartman: Kyle, stop it!
Scene Description: Cartman pulls ahead. Kyle can't catch up. A car goes by, and then Cartman gets an ingenious idea. He crosses the sandy median and continues down the highway the wrong way. Kyle decides to catch up with Cartman, so he crosses the median as well and pops up behind Cartman. Cartman looks over his shoulder at Kyle, then looks ahead, then looks in disbelief as a tanker truck barrels towards them
Cartman: Holy Crap! [swerves to the right]
Kyle: Ahhh!
Scene Description: Kyle swerves to his left. The truck rolls by between them. The two of them line up again and continue riding. They pass a patrol car, which turns on its sirens and follows them. Both bikes and the cruiser fishtail down the highway
Trooper: Stay on 'em! [the fishtailing continues, but the patrol car loses control] Jesus, Mary! [the car falls back into the median, flips over backwards, and falls apart. Cartman and Kyle continue on as fast as possible towards the setting sun]
Scene Description: South Park, next day. The sand has been brought in and is now being spread out, Mr and Mrs Tucker walk by with their son Craig; Mr Tucker holds a shovel
Prof. Thomas: If you have children, be sure to bury their heads in the sand before you bury your own. [the camera pans across as a row of residents already has their heads buried, with snorkels in place for undisturbed breathing. The camera stops at Stan.]
Stan: Dad, I don't wanna bury my head in the sand.
Randy: It's the best say, Stanley. Did you eat your Fruit Roll-Up?
Stan: Yeah.
Randy: All right, make sure your snorkel is working. [Stan slips it on] All right, now get your head in the hole.
Stan: Dad, this is stupid.
Randy: Stanley, there's no time for your immaturity! Do it! [Stan dips his head into the hole and Randy quickly buries it] All right Sharon, now do me. [gives the thumbs-up sign, puts on the snorkel, and dips his head in the hole. Sharon buries his head]
Jimbo: [approaches Prof. Thomas with Mrs. Garrison] Uh Professor, we all just thought of somethin'. If everyone has their head buried by the person standing to their left, then who's gonna bury the last person's head?
Prof. Thomas: Yes. I'm afraid one person is going to have to be last, and... not have his head in the sand.
Farmer: [steps forward through the crowd] I'll do it.
Wife: [appears and tries to stop him] Dylan, no!
Prof. Thomas: You realize by not burying your head in sand, you'll appear to be a part of the Family Guy audience.
Dylan: Yes, I know.
Wife: Dylan, please, you can't!
Dylan: Somebody has to do it, Sarah. [strokes her hair and face] You run along now and you get your head in the sand. I'll be all right. [she looks at him, then cries uncontrollably into his shoulder. He looks at the professor] You have to understand... I'm all she has. [the other townsfolk look on for a few seconds]
Mrs. Garrison: [to Jimbo] Who are those people?
Scene Description: The Highway. Cartman and Kyle continue racing towards Los Angeles. Kyle is closing in. Cartman looks back and opens his knapsack, unleashing everything he packed in there. Kyle gamely swerves to avoid it all. Cartman opens the big box of Cheesy Poofs and pours out the contents
Kyle: [begins losing control] No! [his Big Wheels go left and he can't brake] AAAAH! [he jumps off as he nears the edge of a cliff] AAAAH! [the Big Wheels goes over the edge and starts bouncing down the side of the cliff. At the first bounce, a rear wheel comes off. At the second bounce, Kyle's knapsack flies off. The rest bounces a few more times until it reaches the ground below, upside down. The Big Wheels explode. Kyle rises and looks down at the wreckage. He nurses an injured right shoulder]
Cartman: Hahahaha! So long, Kyle!
Kyle: You son of a bitch! I won't let you win! You hear me?!
Cartman: [riding into the distance] Suck mah balls, Kyle! [Kyle sobs a little, then pounds his left fist into the sand along the side of the highway]
Scene Description: FOX STUDIOS, a heliport. A government helicopter emblazoned with the Presidential seal descends onto the heliport. FOX executives come out to greet the visitors. President Bush and Condoleeza Rice exit the helicopter with two Secret Service agents flanking them
President Bush: Are you the network president?
FOX President: Yes, Mr. President.
President Bush: We need to discuss this Family Guy episode, Mr. President.
FOX President: Mr. President, my hands are tied. The Family Guy writers insist I don't censor Mohammad.
President Bush: But Mr. President, this is a matter of national security. They must be reasoned with.
FOX President: Mr. President, there's something about the Family Guy writing staff I think you should know. [a close-up of Bush looking perplexed.]
Scene Description: End sequence. Cartman sneaks out from behind the Family Guy Studios sign with a gun and runs up to the front doors. He enters the writing room...
Announcer: Next week on South Park: The race continues. Cartman reaches the Family Guy Studio and learns the shocking secret behind the Family Guy writing staff.
Cartman: [...and reaches a slow, undulating glowing light, judging from the reflection coming off him] This... explains everything.
Announcer: As an entire nation buries its head in sand... [a city is shown with sand everywhere, with heads buried in the sand, snorkels out]
SNN anchor: The idea has swept the nation! But where will we find enough sand for everyone?
Announcer: ...and the battle between Good and Evil is finally waged...
Cartman: [he and Kyle fight in a burning studio] Kyle, quit it! Stop it, Kyle!
Announcer: Will the cartoon be allowed to appear uncensored? Will Family Guy be destroyed??? Will television executives fight for free speech? Or will Comedy Central puss out? Tune in to see Part 2 of Family Guy, next week, on South Park!


Scene Description: "Previously on South Park..." SNN News is on the air...
Announcer: Previously on South Park...
SNN anchor: The popular cartoon, Family Guy, is going to show the image of Mohammad uncensored!
Scene Description: a shot of the town hall, where the town has gathered to listen to emergency plans on dealing with Family Guy
Prof. Thomas: If we all bury our heads in sand, [a shot of the townsfolk with their heads in the sand] we can avoid being any part of this.
Scene Description: a shot of the four boys in front of the school, before Cartman heads off to L.A.
Cartman: I'm gonna do whatever I can... to get that episode pulled before this gets out of hand.
Scene Description: a shot of Kyle in the desert when he learns of Cartman's true intentions
Kyle: You just want Family Guy off the air...
Scene Description: Kyle messes with Cartman's Big Wheels to slow him down. Cartman fishtails.
Cartman: Kyle, stop it!
Scene Description: A shot of both of them after Kyle loses his Big Wheels
Cartman: So long, Kyle!
Kyle: You son of a bitch! I won't let you win!
Scene Description: A shot of President Bush and of the FOX President
FOX President: Mr. President, there's something about the Family Guy writing staff I think you should know. [a close-up of Bush looking perplexed.]
Announcer: And now, the thrilling conclusion of... Cartoon Wars... will not be seen tonight! ["Special Presentation"] so that we can bring you this Terrance & Phillip Television Special [tooot! Terrance & Phillip... in... Mystery at the Lazy "J" Ranch. Terrance and Phillip are shown catching a blackhat in action]
Scene Description: Lazy "J" Ranch, day. Terrance and Phillip ride their horses
Phillip: Say Terrance, isn't it wonderful having a holiday here at the Lazy "J" Ranch?
Terrance: It sure is, Phillip. But I do believe this steer I'm riding has the farts. [the horse farts and its tail goes up like a flag. They both laugh.]
Phillip: Oh, look who's coming! Isn't that Mohammad, the holy prophet of the Muslim religion? [Mohammad, covered with a "CENSORED BY CBC" box, rides up to them]
Mohammad: Hey guys, how's it going?
Terrance: Hello Mohammad, we've read all aboat you in the Koran.
Mohammad: I'm here to investigate a murder.
Scene Description: Canadian Broadcasting Company, day. Terrance and Phillip stands to the opposite of the Network President in his office.
Terrance: ALL RIGHT, JUST WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE??!!
Phillip: You censored out the image of Mohammad in our television special!!
Network President: Ey! You guys know the rules! Nobody can show the image of Mohammad anymore. It's dangerous.
Terrance: But you ruined the whole show!
Network President: Look, I'm not gonna risk the lives of the people at this network. Let's just forget aboat it, okay guys? [farts and laughs. Terrance and Phillip look hard at him, their arms crossed] Aw, come on guys, give me a break.
Phillip: We demand you rerun Mystery at the Lazy "J" Ranch with Mohammad uncensored!
Network President: Ey! I run this network, not you guys! And if you ask me, your show has become so preachy and full of messages that you've forgotten how to be funny! NO Mohammad!
Terrance: But Family Guy is going to show Mohammad on an episode that airs tonight!
Network President: I doubt it! I'll bet that right now, somebody is on their way to FOX Network to demand that that episode be pulled.
Scene Description: FOX Studios, day. An entrance to the Studios is shown, with guards at heightened secuity. Cartman rides right into the studios with no one noticing him. Cartman enters the main building and approaches a receptionist
Cartman: Ma'am, I need to speak to the president of this network right away.
Receptionist: What is it regarding?
Cartman: It's regarding Family Guy. I demand that the Mohammad episode be pulled before it airs tonight! It's incendiary, it's offensive to Muslims, and people can get hurt! It's wrong! It's WROOONG!
Receptionist: O...kay, but if you've got a problem with Family Guy, you'll have to wait in line. [points to her right. Cartman looks over and then back at the receptionist] That little boy over there has an appointment to try and get Family Guy off the air altogether. [Cartman walks over and sees Bart Simpson seated in a chair, his skateboard leaning on it]
Cartman: Dude, can I go before you?
Bart: Eat my shorts!
Scene Description: The highway, dawn. Kyle, still nursing his shoulder, arrives at a truck stop and his eyes open wide
Kyle: What the hell is going on? [everyone there has his or her head buried in sand. Kyle walks among them] Hello? [stops next to someone in a red sweater] Excuse me, I need to get to Los Angeles. [tugs at the pants. The person waves. Kyle looks around and goes into the diner] Hello?! [a TV in the store is tuned to SNN]
SNN anchor: ...starting in a small town in central Colorado. The idea has now spread all over America. [a helicopter shot of buried heads everywhere] Muslims continue to riot in the Middle East, demanding that Family Guy not air tonight's episode. [more live footage is shown. Kyle gets close to the TV] Amd Muslim terrorists continue to make threats.
Al-Zawahri: [translated text reads] "Family Guy" better not show Mohammad tonight. I'm serious. "Family Guy" isn't funny.
SNN anchor: Osama bin Laden had this to say:
Osama bin Laden: [translated text reads] If you look closely at the writing in "Family Guy", you will see that the jokes never derive from the plot, and I think that's totally gay.
SNN anchor: Bin Laden went on to say that if Family Guy shows the image of Mohammad as planned, the terrorist retaliation will be immediate. [a rifle appears next to him and a hand cocks it]
Trucker: [with rifle trained on Kyle] You one of them?
Kyle: Who?
Trucker: How come your head ain't in the sand? [Kyle is confused]
Scene Description: FOX Studios. Cartman is seated two chairs away from Bart. Muzak is playing in the background
Cartman: So... you don't like Family Guy either, huh?
Bart: I hate Family Guy.
Cartman: So what's your plan? You're gonna ask the president of the network nicely to take it off the air?
Bart: Not nicely.
Cartman: Look, kid, if you hate a TV show, all you have to do is get an episode pulled. Pretty soon the show is compromised and it goes off the air.
Bart: Cool, man.
Cartman: Yes. So my plan is to use this whole Mohammad thing as a way to scare the network into pulling tonight's show. I'm going to use fear to get them to do what I want.
Bart: Isn't that like, terrorism?
Cartman: ...No, it isn't like terrorism. It IS terrorism.
Bart: I could do that.
Cartman: This is manipulation at its highest lever; you should let me handle this.
Bart: I'm a pretty bad kid.
Cartman: Really? What's the worst thing you've ever done?
Bart: I stole the head off a statue once.
Cartman: Wow, that's pretty hardcore. Geez. That's like this one time, when I didn't like a kid, so I ground his parents up into chili and fed it to him.
Bart: [compares the two acts in his mind...] You got it, man. You got it. [hops onto his skateboard and skates off]
Cartman: Seeya.
Scene Description: The White House, day. President Bush is addressing the White House press corps in the press room
President Bush: I want to assure the American people that as President, I have exhausted every possible solution. Unfortunately, Mohammad will appear uncensored on Family Guy tonight at seven.
Reporters: [clamoring] Mr. President!
Reporter 1: [rises] Mr. President, can't the writers of the show be reasoned with? Don't they know they're putting the country in danger? [sits]
President Bush: I have come to... understand something about the Family Guy writing staff. Suffice it to say that they will not be persuaded by the possibility of violence.
Reporters: [clamoring] Mr. President!
Reporter 1: [same one as before] What exactly did you learn about the Family Guy writing staff, Mr. President?
President Bush: [thinks a moment, then leans into the mic and says in a low voice] I'm afraid that information is classified.
Reporters: [in unison] AWWW!!! [then clamoring] Mr. President!
TCO reporter: [rises] Mr. President, can't you force the Family Guy writing staff not to write anything about Mohammad? [sits]
LSX reporter: [rises] Couldn't you throw them in prison? [sits]
President Bush: Look! The fact of the matter is the Family Guy writing staff is protected by something called the First Amendment!
Reporter 2: And what exactly is this First Amendment, Mr. President?
President Bush: [beat] Uh you know, the right to free speech.
Reporters: [in unison] AWWW!!! [they begin to fight furiously and clamor amongst themselves]
Reporter 3: [rises] Mr. President, when your administration came up with this "First Amendment," did it not foresee a problem like this might happen? [sits]
President Bush: [beat] Well... We didn't come up with the First Amendment. It was already in place.
TCO reporter: [rises] What do you intend to do about this "First Amendment," Mr. President? [sits]
Reporter 4: [rises] Forgive me, Mr. President, but this "First Amendment" sounds like a lot of bureaucratic jibbery-joob? [sits]
Reporters: Yeah!
Reporter 5: That's right!
Scene Description: FOX Studios, day, the President's office. The FOX President is discussing schedules with the department staff
FOX President: Okay, let's discuss the fall lineup.
Receptionist 2: [enters] Sir, there's still one little boy out here who wants to speak with you about pulling the Family Guy episode
FOX President: All right, let's get this over with. [Cartman enters the room leaning on a crutch]
Cartman: [removes his cap] Hello, gentlemen, ladies. My name is little Danny Pocket. And I won't take much of your time. Please excuse my tiny crutch; it's the only way I can get around these days. Ow...
Staff: Oh, poor kid.
Cartman: You see, my father worked for a newspaper in my native country of Denmark. His newspaper showed an image of Mohammad and, two days later, terrorists suicides bombed his building. I was in the lobby when it happened. [shocked looks on the faces of the staff] First one terrorist suicide bombed us and, then dozens more. They just kept coming. Suicide bombers running in the building and blowing up one after another! They were like Mexican jumping beans. I just don't wanna see people here at your studio getting hurt, because... that would be, of course, your responsibility. [coughs] Ow..
FOX President: I feel terrible. It's so east to put terrorism out of mind until one of its victims is staring you in the face.
Staffer: Sir, if we pull the episode, the Family Guy writing staff will refuse to work again.
FOX President: Little boy, will you talk to the Family Guy writing staff? If your story touches their hearts like it has ours, perhaps they'll back down from demanding we air the episode.
Cartman: I'll certainly do my best. [coughs] Ow.
FOX President: Take this noble child over to the Family Guy offices. If he can scare them like he has us, maybe we can pull the Mohammad episode after all.
Cartman: [turns and walks out, and says softly with an evil smile] Yes, and then Family Guy is as good as dead.
FOX President: What was that?
Cartman: [stops and turns] I I said "thank you." Thank you for listening. [walks out again]
Scene Description: FOX Studios, outside. A truck pulls up to the curb and the passenger door opens. Kyle steps out of the truck and closes the door
Kyle: Thanks a lot for the ride.
Trucker: Ey, it's the least I could do. I hope you succeed, kid. I really don't wanna see Family Guy go off the air. I love that show!
Kyle: I'll do everything I can.
Trucker: I mean, I know it's just joke after joke, but I like that. At least it doesn't get all preachy and up its own ass with messages, you know? [drives off]
Scene Description: FOX Studios, exterior studio wall. Bart is writing "I HATE FAMILY GUY" repeatedly on the wall, much as he'd do in the opening credits of The Simpsons. His skateboard is leaning on the wall
Kyle: [noticing Bart writing, but doesn't see the actual text] Excuse me. [Bart stops writing and approaches Kyle] Do you know which way the network president's office is?
Bart: Who wants to know?!
Kyle: Look, my fat bastard friend is trying to trick the network into getting Family Guy off the air.
Bart: [eyes narrowing] The network president's office is in there! [points to his right, to a small red building labeled "154 c"]
Kyle: Oh thanks, dude.
Bart: No problem, man. [smiles, knowing Kyle isn't going to the right building]
Scene Description: A storage room. This is the building Bart pointed to. Kyle opens the door and enters
Kyle: [looks around] Hello? This can't be right, I- [Bart whacks him from behind with a skateboard, and he falls forward] Ow!
Bart: Cowabunga, motherfucker!
Scene Description: The Family Guy offices. The receptionist shows Cartman in
Receptionist 2: [behind a desk] Hello Mitchell.
Mitchell: Oh hi, Miss Travis.
Miss Travis: The president has asked that little Danny Pocket here speak with the Family Guy writing staff.
Mitchell: [rises and walks forth] Are you... sure? They're working on a new episode right now.
Cartman: It won't take long, sir. [coughs with more energy] Ow...
Mitchell: All right, I'll take him back. Follow me, little Danny. [walks back to the writing area. Cartman follows.] You must be excited. Not many people get to meet our writing staff.
Cartman: [removes his cap] Yes, I'm totally excited. Family Guy is so funny.
Scene Description: The Family Guy writing room. Mitchell and Cartman enter and walk by the cubicles
Mitchell: Well, here we are. Danny, the Family Guy writing staff.
Cartman: [stops and stares] Wha? [before him is a wall tank the height of the writing room. Manatees are swimming slowly within, and a huge pile of plastic balls sits at one end of the tank. Some of them are snacking on snall fish] What are they?
Mitchell: They're manatees. [gray manatees] Gretchen and Flubber are from the Gulf of Mexico. Tinker, Pete and Lucy are from the Caribbean Sea.
Cartman: Family Guy is written by manatees? [rethinks] Of course, it all makes sense now.
Mitchell: They really are brilliant creatures. [the camera focuses on the ball pile] You see, the right side of the tank is filled with idea balls. [the camera zooms in and pans across] Each ball has a verb, noun, or pop culture reference written on it. There's millions of them. [A manatee swims to the left side of the tank balancing a ball on its nose] The manatees choose an idea ball and swim it over to the joke combine on the other side of the tank. [another manatee swims into the pile] Uh there goes Gretchen! She's comin' up with an idea. Oh, she came up with Gary Coleman. [another manatee reaches the combine and drops a ball in] The idea balls drop into the joke combine and form part of the new script. [the ball reads "Mexico" as it goes down the pipe into the sorter] Laundry Date Winning Mexico Gary Coleman. A perfect Family Guy joke! I can see it now!
Scene Description: The imagined joke
Lois: Peter, you didn't do the laundry today.
Peter: You think that's bad? Remember the time I won a date to Mexico with Gary Coleman?
Scene Description: Pedro's, somewhere in Mexi
Waiter: ¿Qué pasa, señores?
Gary Coleman: Whatchoo talkin' 'bout, Willis?
Scene Description: Back to the Family Guy offices
Cartman: Waitwaitaminute waitaminute. These... manatees demanded that Mohammad be shown? How? Manatees don't talk!
Mitchell: When FOX censored the image of Mohammad last week, it also meant that the Mohammad ball had to come out of the idea tank. It made the manatees very upset. Pull just one idea ball out of the idea tank, and the manatees stop working. He-here, I'll show you. [looks up] Keith? [Keith, seated at the top of the tank, reaches in and pulls out a green RIVERDANCE ball. The manatees stop in their tracks and slowly drop down as the balls they're carrying slip away from them] All right all right, put it back in! [Keith drops it back in. The manatees respond quickly and resume work] Manatees are very ethical writers. Either everything's okay to write about, or nothing is. Anyway, the president of the network wanted you to ...speak with the manatees.
Cartman: Oh... yes, yes. Um [clears his throat and talks to the tank] hello, manatees. I, I think you should allow the network to pull your episode with Mohammad. See, I'm the victim of a, a terrorist attack and... terrorists might come after you if you-
Mitchell: That isn't gonna work on them.
Cartman: Why not?
Mitchell: Don't you know anything about manatees? They're the only mammals that are completely unmoved by terrorst threats.
Cartman: [softly] Son of a bitch.
Scene Description: The storage room. Kyle is now dangling from the ceiling, enveloped in a rope trap. He struggles to get out
Kyle: [calling to Bart] Let me out of here, kid! Why are you doing this?
Cartman: [voice] Well well well! [now shown walking up to Bart, who's keeping watch while leaning on his skateboard. Cartman has a mean air of satisfaction on him]
Kyle: Cartman!
Cartman: Hello, Kyle. Looks like you've run into a little snag in your plan as well.
Kyle: You fat sun of a bitch!
Cartman: You came so close to stopping me, didn't you, Kyle. There was just one thing you didn't count on: that more people besides me hate Family Guy.
Bart: Yeah.
Kyle: Well, a lot of people like Family Guy too! Who are you to decide it shouldn't be on the air?!
Bart: Shut up! [points to Kyle] You shut your fucking face, man! [to Cartman] Did it work? Did you scare the network into pulling the episode?
Cartman: Not yet! But I've come up with a new plan. I've learned how to make the Family Guy writing staff stop working! As soon as everyone goes on their lunch break, I can sneak back in.
Bart: Cool man!
Kyle: Cartman, let me out of this stupid net!!
Cartman: Good, Kyle! That's good anger you're showin' there! See that?! That's emotional character development based on what's happening in the storyline! Not at all like Family Guy. Now, if you'll excuse me, Kyle, [turns and walks away] I've got some idea balls to remove from a manatee tank.
Kyle: WHAT?!
Scene Description: Family Guy offices, later. The FOX President looks at the manatee tank along with the rest of the staff
FOX President: I don't understand it. What's wrong with them? [the manatees are floating aimlessly]
Mitchell: We don't know, Mr. President. They just stopped working.
FOX President: [concerned] But, nobody took any idea balls out of the tank, did they?
Mitchell: No sir, none of us did. [Cartman smiles and looks around at the results of his handiwork]
FOX President: Then why are they refusing to write? I agreed to show Mohammad uncensored! I did what you asked! WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME??!!
Cartman: [hobbles up to him] Sir! Sir! [faces him] If you don't my saying, I think you asked for this. You gave in to the manatees last week. Now they know all they have to do is refuse to work and they can get whatever they want. You spoiled them by caving in. Now they thnk they can walk all over you. [they both turn to face the tank] Sir, you are in charge of this network, not them. Maybe it's time you showed them who's in charge.
FOX President: You're right. It's time I stop letting these primadonna manatees tell me what to do! I'm pulling the Mohammad episode, you got that?! And if you all don't want to work tomorrow, you can just find other jobs!! [faces the staff] How long before Family Guy's supposed to air?!
Executive: Twenty-five minutes.
FOX President: I gotta hurry! [rushes off]
Cartman: I did it. I... AM... GOD!!!
Scene Description: FOX Studios, outside. Cartman has left the offices and dances down a street
Cartman: Family Guy is going off the air! No more Family Guy for me, mon frère!
Kyle: [appears in the shadows] Cartmaaaan!!! [Cartman stops in his tracks] You fucking fatass!
Cartman: How the hell did you get out?
Kyle: That kid and I had a long talk! I told him he was on a slippery slope to becoming a monster like you!
Cartman: Aw, God damnit, you gave him one of your gay little speeches, didn't you?!
Kyle: [seething in anger] You are not. Killing. Family Guy!
Cartman: You're too late, Kyle! The president of the network is pulling the episode! Family Guy is as good as dead!
Kyle: [checks his watch] There's still time to tell the network president you're full of crap!! [runs off]
Cartman: [runs ahead and cuts him off] I can't let you do that!
Kyle: Get out of my way or I'll kick your ass!
Cartman: [takes off his mittens] Fine, Kyle. I guess it was inevitable. [Kyle removes his left mitten with his teeth and spits it away] Let this be our final battle. [they put on their battle faces and begin fighting, which is shown dispassionately. It's all a long series of slaps] Ow. OW! Stop it! Kyle, that's too hard! Ah! [they begin to move along a sidewalk] Ugh. Kyle! Stop it!
Kyle: Ow. Quit it!
Cartman: Ow. Quit it, Kyle! Bleh. Kyle! [throws him up against a wall. They slap each other some more and Kyle throws Cartman up against the wall. Some more fighting and Cartman throws Kyle up against a window, but they both crash through it into the King of the Hill offices.]
Scene Description: King of the Hill offices. The boys continue fighting through the offices, Kyle having the upper hand
Cartman: Stop it!
Kyle: Ow. Quit it!
Cartman: Ow. Quit it, Kyle! Leh- Kyle! Let go- Okay okay come on, time out. Kyle, time out! Time out! Time out. [Kyle stops his attack and a few seconds of silence follow. Then] Time in! [slaps Kyle hard. Kyle waits for a writer to stop staring, then resumes his attack] I d-ow! Uh. Ah. Sh-gah. Okay. Okay. Time out! Kyle t-time out! Time out! Time out! Time out! Time out!
Kyle: No more timeouts, fatass!
Cartman: Time out! Time out! Time out, Kyle! Ay! Ay!
Scene Description: King of the Hill offices, outside at the other end. The doors fly open and the boys fall out, get up, and resume their fighting. They are getting tired though.
Cartman: Kyle! Kyle! Get the... Get the- Kyle! Kyle, dude, that was- that was in the balls! Dude, serious- seriously! That was in the balls! No hitting- No hitting in the balls! [throws Kyle off, but they resume fighting] Kyle! [Kyle finally gets Cartman in a reverse headlock. A few seconds later, he begins punching Cartman on the ribs] Quit it, Kyle. Give it up, Kyle! [gets out of the headlock, but the fighting resumes] Okay... Okay! Okay okay! [the fighting stops, and they're both panting] You win! You win. I give up. [kicks Kyle square in the nuts. Kyle doubles over in pain, coughing, and Cartman grins] Hahaha! I had my fingers crossed. [Kyle is still immobile, but a skateboard whacks Cartman from behind. Cartman falls over and Bart is there]
Kyle: [coughs] Thanks, kid.
Scene Description: The Office of the FOX President. He is on the phone
FOX President: Network Control! This is the President! I want you to pull the episode.
Woman: [whispers] What? [in normal tone] Mr. President, are you sure? [the other programmers look at her]
FOX President: I'm sure. Begin episode jettison sequence 0 2 900. [two programmers raise their access keys and insert them into corresponding locks in their desks, then turn the keys. Between their desks is a big red "PULL EPISODE" button. Its lid pops up and it begins flashing]
Computer Voice: Abort System initiated.
Programmer 1: Awaiting confirmation.
Woman: Mr. President, we need your final approval code.
FOX President: President approval code [Kyle runs past the office, but notices and comes back] 0-0-destruct-
Kyle: [runs in and interrupts] Sir! Mister television executive! Stop!
FOX President: Who are you?
Kyle: Listen to me: the little boy who convinced you to pull the episode is a bastard child. He only wants you to pull it because he knows it will be the end of Family Guy forever!
FOX President: The end of Family Guy?
Woman: Mr. President, we need final authorization!
FOX President: Hold on, Julie! [covers the transmitter] What are you talking about, kid?
Kyle: Pulling an episode because someone is offended starts a chain reaction. You'll have to pull more and more episodes until the show goes off the air completely. It's what happened to Laverne & Shirley.
FOX President: You mean... the manatees aren't trying to run the network?
Kyle: What manatees??!! [a fist knocks him away and Cartman steps in]
Cartman: Go ahead, Mr. President! Continue what you were doing!
Kyle: [quickly rises] No! You have to show Mohammad, Mr. President!
Woman: Mr. President, we're awaiting your orders!
Kyle: Sir, just think about what you're doing to free speech!
Cartman: No! Think about the people who could get hurt!
FOX President: Ah... I don't know who to listen to!
Cartman: Okay, I'll make it easy for you. [pulls out a gun and aims it at the president] Pull the Mohammad episode, now!
FOX President: Okay, I'll listen to you. [gets back to the phone] Julie?
Kyle: Noo! Wait! You can't listen to him! He's a lying deceitful monster who only wants Family Guy off the air!
FOX President: But he has a gun.
Kyle: You can't do what he wants just because he's the one threatening you with violence!
Cartman: Shut up, Kyle!
FOX President: I can't be responsible for people getting hurt. Especially me.
Kyle: Yes, people can get hurt. That's how terrorism works. But if you give into that, Doug, you're allowing terrorism to work. Do the right thing here.
Cartman: Give the orders to pull the episode, Mr. President!
FOX President: I shouldn't even be in the office still. It's supposed to be half-day Friday.
Woman: Mr. President, thirty seconds to airtime. What do you want us to do?!
Kyle: Do the right thing, Mr. President.
FOX President: How about I allow the episode to air but, just censor out the image of Mohammad again.
Kyle: I wish that was good enough, but if you censor out Mohammad, then soon you'll have to censor out more.
Cartman: No gay speeches, Kyle!
Kyle: If you don't show Mohammad, then you've made a distinction what is okay to poke fun at, and what isn't. Either it's all okay, or none of it is.
Woman: Five seconds, Mr. President! [the programmer J. Walker has his finger hovering on the button]
Kyle: [softly] Do the right thing. Show Mohammad. [Cartman still has his gun on the president] Do. The right. Thing.
Woman: Mr. President, we need a decision now!
FOX President: Family Guy goes on air as planned. Uncensored.
Kyle: Yes! [dances]
Cartman: No! No, I hate Family Guy!! [tries to fire the gun, but it seems to be empty. No bullets come out. He throws it down.]
Woman: Air it! [a different programmer gives his thumbs up and then turns to press the "AIR EPISODE" button. The credits come up and the self-destruct programmers remove their keys and sigh in relief. The "PULL EPISODE" lid comes down]
Scene Description: The episode
Lois: Peter! You got a pink slip at work?
Peter: You think that's bad? Remember the time I got a salmon helmet from Mohammad while wearing a toga?
Scene Description: The flashback. The doorbell rings
Peter: [dressed in a toga, answers the door] Coming Mohammad. [opens the door. A salmon helmet appears and he reaches out to grab it]
Scene Description: In this shot, Mohammad hands a football helmet to Family Guy.
Scene Description: Comedy Central has refused to broadcast an image of Mohammad on their network.
Peter: Wow, a salmon helmet! Thanks! [closes the door and goes back to the sofa]
Scene Description: back to the episode
Peter: Anyway, what were we talking about?
Scene Description: The White House. President Bush and his staff watch the episode.
Peter: Oh yeah, my pink slip.
President Bush: Hey, that wasn't bad at all. They just showed Mohammad standin' there, lookin' normal.
An Official: Mr. President, the terrorists are retaliating!
President Bush: What?!
Peter: Or the time I- [click. SNN shows up onscreen]
SNN anchor: As soon as the image of Mohammad appeared, terrorist leader al-Zawahri announced the retaliation!
Al-Zawahri: [translated] We warned you not to show Mohammad- But "Family Guy" did it anyways. So now, here is our retaliation on America!!!
Scene Description: Osama bin Laden & al-Zawahri present an Al Qaeda Films Production
Scene Description: three houses appear against a backdrop of skyscrapers. Each house has a dollar sign on its roof, indicating the wealth of the West
American male 1: [walks in] Hello, I am American.
American male 2: [walks in] I'm American too.
American male 1: We like to crap own each other. [the men take turns crapping on each other]
President Bush: [walks in] Hello, I am the President Bush. I will crap on both of you. [craps on both of them]
American male 2: Ugh! We love to crap!
American Female: [walks in] I'm American. I'm pregnant with a baby, but I'm not married.
American male 3: [walks in] Let's crap. [all five of them begin crapping on each other and Jesus enters the picture]
Jesus: Look at me! I'm Jesus! Would you like me to crap on you, Mr. Bush? [craps on Bush. More Americans walk in and start crapping]
All: Mmm, yummy yummy crap. [more people crap, and an American flag appears under them, being crapped on]
Scene Description: THE END
Scene Description: ?
Al-Zawahri: Oh yeah, take THAT! We burned you! THAT WAS WAY FUNNIER THAN FAMILY GUY.


Scene Description: P.F Chang's China Bistro, night. A waiter arrives at a table
Waiter: Hi, welcome to P.F Chang's. How spicy would you like me to make your Chang sauce?
Head waiter: Chris, the people at Table 3 need their check.
Chris: [whispers] I know. I'm swamped. I've got no help here!
Head waiter: Well what about the new waiter?
Chris: The new waiter is useless. And, I think he's high.
Towelie: [at another table, mixing sauce...] How spicy would you like your Chang sauce?
Male diner: Will you just place our order, please?
Towelie: Oh man, I have no idea what's goin' on.
Head waiter: Everything okay here?
Male diner: Fine, except this towel has been mixing Chang sauce for fifteen minutes. He's clueless!
Towelie: Don't call me shoeless! You're shoeless!
Male diner: Yeah? Well you're a towel!
Towelie: You're a towel!
Head waiter: All right, that's it! Get out of here! You're fired!
Towelie: Yeah!
Head waiter: Not him, you!
Towelie: Awww.
Scene Description: The sidewalk outside P.F. Chang's. Towelie walks towards the camera, dejected
Towelie: Aw man, I really screwed up this time. The rent's due at the end of the month, and I don't have any money. I need to shape up and find a new job, quick. [stops] But first, maybe I'll get a little high. [pulls out a lighter and joint, and lights up. His eyes change color from white to pink] Wait. Here it goes. Good ideas comin'. Yeah. Hey yeah! I should become a writer! If I just write a book about my life, I can get it published and then make plenty of money to pay rent.
Scene Description: Towelie, at home, night. He gets to work at an old typewriter: he puts a paper in and rolls it into place.
Waiter: Hi, welcome to P.F Chang's. How spicy would you like me to make your Chang sauce?
Head waiter: Chris, the people at Table 3 need their check.
Chris: [whispers] I know. I'm swamped. I've got no help here!
Head waiter: Well what about the new waiter?
Chris: The new waiter is useless. And, I think he's high.
Towelie: [at another table, mixing sauce...] How spicy would you like your Chang sauce?
Male diner: Will you just place our order, please?
Towelie: Oh man, I have no idea what's goin' on.
Head waiter: Everything okay here?
Male diner: Fine, except this towel has been mixing Chang sauce for fifteen minutes. He's clueless!
Towelie: Don't call me shoeless! You're shoeless!
Male diner: Yeah? Well you're a towel!
Towelie: You're a towel!
Head waiter: All right, that's it! Get out of here! You're fired!
Towelie: Yeah!
Head waiter: Not him, you!
Towelie: Awww.
Scene Description: The sidewalk outside P.F. Chang's. Towelie walks towards the camera, dejected
Towelie: Aw man, I really screwed up this time. The rent's due at the end of the month, and I don't have any money. I need to shape up and find a new job, quick. [stops] But first, maybe I'll get a little high. [pulls out a lighter and joint, and lights up. His eyes change color from white to pink] Wait. Here it goes. Good ideas comin'. Yeah. Hey yeah! I should become a writer! If I just write a book about my life, I can get it published and then make plenty of money to pay rent.
Scene Description: Towelie, at home, night. He gets to work at an old typewriter: he puts a paper in and rolls it into place.
Towelie: I bet people can't wait to read my memoirs. [begins to type]
Scene Description: A publisher's office, day. The publisher reviews the first draft Towelie brings in
Publisher 1: Aha. Mmm. Yes. Yes, I see. Well, that's quite a fascinating story, you being engineered as a towel with a computer chip that determines dryness.
Towelie: Yep! And it's all true.
Publisher 1: Chapters 4 through 8, however, seem to all be about Doritos Brand Corn Chips.
Towelie: I guess I could edit those chapters down some.
Publisher 1: Don't bother. I'm sorry to tell you this, sir, but nobody's ever going to publish your memoirs.
Towelie: Huh? Why not?
Publisher 1: Well, just the small trivial fact that... people aren't interested in autobiographies of towels.
Towelie: Wull yeah, but, maybe people will read my memoirs and like, apply its lessons to their own lives.
Publisher 1: No. They won't. Because they're people. And you're a towel.
Towelie: You're a towel!
Publisher 1: No. I'm a big book publisher who's not the least bit interested in your stony memoirs. You're a towel.
Scene Description: Porcupine Press, day. Towelie leaves the building
Towelie: Now what am I gonna do? I gotta pay rent and I just wasted three weeks writin' my memoirs. It's time for me to stop bein' so irresponsible. I've gotta shape up, focus, an' come up with real solutions to my problems. [pulls out his joint and lighter again] I'd better get a little high. [strikes the flint once, but doesn't light the joint] Oh, maybe I shouldn't.
Joint: But you have to think of somethin' fast, an' gettin' high makes you smart.
Towelie: All right, I'll just use my special gettin'-high powers one more time. [lights the joint and sucks some fumes in. His eyes turn pink again] Hey. Hey, wait a minute. Of course! That's it! Why didn't I think of it before? [grins a small grin]
Scene Description: "A MILLION LITTLE FIBERS"
Scene Description: The page turns and the Chapter 1 is shown
Towelie: [in the stacks of a library, he proof-reads] All my life I've been a pretty irresponsible towel. [crosses out "towel" and writes] person. I thought I was somehow stronger and more immune than other towels. [crosses out "towels" and writes] people. [the next sentence reads "But as I pursued my derelict..."] This is a really good idea.
Scene Description: Another publisher's office, day. The publisher reads
Publisher 2: Ogh. Oh my God. Uh I could not believe a human being has led this kind of life, Mr...!
Towelie: [wears a small fedora and fake mustache] McTowelie. Steven McTowelie.
Publisher 2: It's heartbreaking passages like this one: "I am a person who often gets hung out to dry by all those around me." I know this company would be honored to publish this book. I just have one small question first. You're not... a towel, are you?
Towelie: ...No. If I was a towel, why would I be wearin' this hat, an' this fake mustache?
Publisher 2: Right, I'm sorry. [rises] Well Steveen, if it's all right with you, I'm gonna to get our agents and lawyers on the phone right now. We're in business, sir.
Towelie: [quite pleased] All right!
Scene Description: Oprah. Her splash screen comes on, the studio audience cheers
Oprah: Thank you so much. [the applause dies down] Once in a while I come across a book that is sooo honest and sooo moving that it changes my life. [holds up a book] "A Million Little Fibers" is the true story about a man who was born in a laboratory. Please welcome author Stevem McTowelie! [she fairly sings his last name. Towelie comes out to cheers from the audience and climbs onto the sofa with some difficulty] Steven, when I read your book, I thought to myself, "How can a human being go through all this and still turn out okay?"
Towelie: Well, I guess I'm just an extra-special tow- [stops himself] person.
Oprah: You talk in your book how you would sometimes have to spend days hung up on a rack. What would that do to you emotionally? You have been through... so much, [the camera pans down to her crotch] and I think that people all over America could benefit...
Her crotch: [in one UK accent] Oh God, there she goes again, babblin' about people's lives and carryin' on. She hasn't paid any attention to me in years!
Oprah: ...a life that kept getting up whenever it was down...
Her crotch: Nobody knows what it's like to be Oprah's minge. All she does is work, never gives her ol' minge a nice rub now and again. A minge needs attention! At least a scratch once in a while!
Oprah: Well Steven, your book hasn't sold a lot of copies yet, but I have some pretty exciting news for you!
Mingie: Used to be a time when Oprah would play with me night and day. She'd pet me for hours usin' every finger. Now I just sit here, in the dark, not even so much as a pinky! I should write a book! Be much more depressin' than his!
Oprah: And so, Steven, I'm making your book my official Book of the Month selection! [sing-song ending]
Towelie: Really? [the audience cheers] Wow. I'm gonna get super-rich now.
Scene Description: The book goes into mass circulation, the presses printing, cutting and binding at a fast pace. The paper cover goes on last, and the new book drops through a trap floor into a waiting cardboard box with more copies of the book within. The cover is shown and the box closed and shipped out. Next, Towelie is at a book-signing at Frontier Books autographing the books of a line of waiting readers. Posters promoting his book appear on the sides of buses, another shot of Towelie signing books at Frontier as dollar signs float by, a man checking the book out through a window at Tiara Books, shoppers buying the book at Barnes & Legal as Towelie floats by with his bong
Scene Description: Oprah's office. She has a lovely Persian rug there.
Oprah: [talking to her programming people] Uh huh, okay. Well listen, maybe we can get her in as a guest on the 19th. All right, is John Travolta available to be a guest the week after that? Okay, that might work better since it's Sweeps Week.
Mingie: Can't take it anymore. All she ever does is work work work, never pays attention to the ol' minge. I'm always trapped in these stuffy pantsuits. I want attention! I'm bloody bored!
A voice: [in a different UK accent] Oh stop your complainin'! I'm tryin' to sleep back here.
Mingie: Ay, 'oo's that? Is that you, Gary?
Gary: Yes it's me. You think you've go' it bad? Oprah hasn't paid any attention to me in years.
Mingie: Oh, what do you care? You're just an asshole. I'm a minge! Minges need stimulation.
Gary: Assholes need stimulation too, you bastard! I want to travel. I want to see Paris. I thought lamp was goin' to get better, but Oprah's always busy. Werkin' and werkin', diyatin' and not diyatin'. I need a pukin' up mounds of chocolate cake or teaspoons of weedgrass.
Mingie: She's a workaholic. Let's face it: the only way we're ever goin' tuh get any attention is if Oprah doesn't work anymore.
Gary: Well that'll never happen.
Mingie: Not unless she gets fired.
Gary: [wonders] Fired... You got a plan, Mingie?
Mingie: That bloke on the show today, the one Oprah supported. 'E isn't a bloke at all. 'E's a towel.
Gary: Ooo. How d'you know?
Mingie: [low, ominous voice] I'm a minge. Minges know a towel when they hear one. If evidence gets out that Oprah's champion author is a towel, she'll look right foolish. Fans'll start droppin' off by the millions.
Gary: 'Ow do we get proof?
Mingie: We get somebody else to do it. The greatest investiga'ive reporter of our time.
Scene Description: Geraldo Rivera's office, evening. Geraldo is busy writing up a report
Butler: Mr. Rivera.
Geraldo: What is it, Dimitri?
Dimitri: There's somebody on the phone to speak with you. He says he has inside information for you that may discredit Oprah Winfrey. [Geraldo stops, rises, and goes into his private offce, where he answers the phone]
Geraldo: [sits down] Thith ith Geraldo.
Mingie: [somehow on the phone] 'Allo 'Eraldo. I've got some information for you ya might find interestin'. It could make Oprah Winfrey look quite foolish.
Geraldo: Who am I thpeaking with?!
Gary: 'E wants to know who 'e's speakin' with.
Mingie: Let's just say I work very closely with Oprah. You'd like to see 'er discredited, wouldn't ya?
Geraldo: [his left hand spread out over his chest] What information do you have?
Mingie: What'd 'e say?
Gary: He wants to know what information we have.
Mingie: Just tell me wha' 'e says, Gary! Don't wait for me 'o ask you "wha' 'e say?"!
Gary: Stop wastin' my time.
Mingie: Ay, don't get snooty with me, Gary!
Gary: I didn't say "stop wastin' my time," Geraldo did.
Geraldo: What ith going on here?!
Mingie: Oh all right Gary, this isn't workin'. Let's switch. I'll listen and you talk. [a few second later]
Gary: Hallo?
Geraldo: Who ith thith?
Gary: This is Gary.
Geraldo: Gary who?! What is your last name?!
Mingie: Don't give away your name. We don't want anyone to know where we are.
Gary: A'right, look. All you need to know is that I'm definitely not Oprah's asshole.
Mingie: Aw you stupid twit!!
Gary: Don't call me a twit, Geraldo!
Mingie: He didn't call you "stupid twit," I did!! Now just tell 'im this:
Gary: The writer of the book on Oprah's Book of the Month Club is a phonih. He's not a person at all. He's a towel.
Geraldo: A towel? A talking towel? That doethn't make any thenthe.
Mingie: Tell 'im 'e'd be surprised at things that can talk.
Gary: You'd be surprised at things that can talk.
Geraldo: What proof do you have of this accusation?!
Gary: Just look into the author of "A Million Little Fiyabers," and you'll discover the truth.
Geraldo: And how do I go about that? [click, and a dial tone. Geraldo tries to get the caller back on] Hello? HELLO?!
Scene Description: Larry King Live. The splash screen pops up
Announcer: This is Larry King Live.
Larry King: [Towelie is in the guest chair] My guest tonight is Steven McTowelie, author of the acclaimed book, "A Million LIttle Fibers." How are you tonight, Steven?
Towelie: Well Larry, I'm a little high.
Larry King: Your book has helped a lot of people beat addiction. What made you write it?
Towelie: Well Larry, I was... really just writin' down my memoirs as I-
Larry King: [holds his left hand up and looks to his director] What? What's that? Oh ex- oh excuse me, Steven, I understand that we have a special report coming in. Joining us live from Afghanistan, here is Geraldo Rivera. [a split screen comes up and Geraldo's feed struggles to come in]
Geraldo: Hello? Larry, are you receiving me?
Larry King: We're here, Geraldo. You're live on the show.
Geraldo: Larry, this brave reporter has been days investigating and researching, and I have come up with a shocking discovery that is going to rock the balls and ass of the literary world! Steven McTowelie, author of "A Million LIttle Fibers," is a towel!
Towelie: You're a towel.
Geraldo: No, you're a towel.
Towelie: Well you're a beaner towel.
Geraldo: What did you say??
Scene Description: Oprah and two agents looks on from her office
Towelie: I'm sorry. I'm high.
Aide 1: This looks pretty bad, Oprah.
Aide 2: Your fans look to you to be all-knowing and all-seeing, and you've just spent two weeks supporting a lying racist towel.
Mingie: 'E did it, Gary! 'Eraldo got the proof!
Gary: Oprah's got egg all over her face! She'll have to retire!
Mingie: It's the beginning of a new life for us, Gary. Without 'er career 'o worry about, Oprah's sure to travel the world! Enjoy the finer things in life! She'll spend hours just ... playin' with 'er own minge!
Gary: And her Gary too.
Mingie: Sure. And 'er Gary. We did it, mate!
Aide 2: Oprah, we need to know what we're going to do.
Oprah: What's the big deal? His book helped people. Why does it matter than he made some stuff up? Are people really going to be that mad?
Scene Description: A Marryot Hotel, outside, day. Towelie looks down at the crowd from his hotel window. A large group has signs calling hima LIAR and demanding that he be put on trial or punished. More signs demand refunds on the books the bearers bought.
Protester 1: Your book got me to give up alcohol! But I thought you were a person!
Protester 2: Yeah, we want our money back, you dumb towel!
Latino Protesters: ¡No insultar Mexicanos! ¿Oye? ¡No insultar Mexicanos! ¿Oye?
Towelie: Oh God, I'm really in trouble now. [his phone rings and he answers] Hello?
Oprah: Steven, it's Oprah. Can you come on my show again tomorrow?
Towelie: Why?
Oprah: We need to tell the audience why you changed some of the facts in your book; that you thought it necessary to "heighten" certain things to make the book more relevant to people.
Towelie: Hey yeah.
Oprah: Just come on the show and explain in a very level-headed way that changing some facts shouldn't matter if the book helps people, okay?
Towelie: Okay. Thanks Oprah! You're a real friend.
Oprah: See you tomorrow.
Towelie: All right, I got one chance here. I need to focus and come up with what I'm gonna say. [gets out his joint and lighter] Maybe I should get a little high. [stops himself] No! Wait a minute! I'm not going to get high this time. [closes his lighter]
Joint: Aw, come on. You need to come up with ideas of what to say on Oprah.
Towelie: But, the ideas I come up with when I'm high keep gettin' me in trouble.
Joint: Yeah. That's why you should only get a little high.
Towelie: Well, maybe just a little high. [lights up and starts tokin']
Scene Description: Oprah. Towelie returns for a second interview with her
Oprah: Today my guest is once again Steven McTowelie, whose memoirs many of you purchased after I made it my Book of the Month Selection. [a sea of angry faces looks back at the stage]
Mingie: Ya hear that, Gary? Nobody's applaudin'!
Gary: Yeah! They're all right pissed off! This is great!
Oprah: Now, it turns out that your name isn't really Steven. It's Towelie, correct?
Towelie: [sheepishly] Yeah.
Oprah: And you are a towel.
Towelie: Yes, I'm pretty much a towel, Oprah.
Oprah: Can you explain to the audience why you said you weren't a towel before?
Towelie: Well Oprah, I was all, like, um... uh, woo dat all like... It's like...
Oprah: Was it that you thought embellishing the story was okay if it helped people?
Towelie: Yeah. Yeah, that's it!
Oprah: Well you know what I think, Towelie? I think you're a LYING SACK OF SHIT! [the audience is a little shocked] You lied to all these people, and for what??!! To make money!! They bought your book thinking it was true!!
Man 1: That's right!
Man 2: Yeah.
Towelie: But I thought you said-
Oprah: How DARE you like to me and make me look foolish?!
Mingie: What's this? What's she doin'?
Gary: I don't understand, Mingie.
Oprah: You think writing is a joke, you stupid towel?!
Man 3: Yeah, you you get him, Oprah!
Audience: Yeah!
Oprah: You will not get away with this!
Mingie: She's getting everyone back on er side! Oh, tha' clever cow!
Oprah: You lied to me, Towelie! And therefore you have lied to America! [stands up] We are going to rise up against you! [the audience cheers her on] Is this audience ready for a good old-fashioned lynching?!
Audience: Yeah!
Towelie: Huh?
Oprah: Audience, if you look under your seats, you'll find your very own torches! [the audience members reach down under their seats and pull up the torches they find there]
Audience: Whoa.
Gary: Minge, does this mean I have to wait to see Paris?
Mingie: There's not gonna be any Paris! Don't you get it, Gary?! The fat cow get everyone on 'er side again! She'll be workin' more than ever now! Our plan is ruined!
Gary: No!
Oprah: We'll give you a five-second headstart. [lights up her torch] One. Two. [throws away her lighter. Towelie hops off and starts running]
Towelie: Hoooo!
Oprah: Let's get him! [turns right and chases him]
Woman: Burn him! Burn the towel!
Man 4: Burn that which lies to Oprah!
Scene Description: The Chicago streets. Towelie is running for his life, with Oprah and her audience in hot pursuit. Towelie rounds a corner and enters the First National Bank of Chicago. Towelie tries to get in, but finds he can't open the doors. Oprah and her audience quickly surround him at the doors.
Oprah: Looks like your time is up, Towelie! I've led my adoring fans RIGHT to you!
Man 5: All right Oprah!
Oprah: I've shown my fans that... ugh! Ow! Wha?? [her pants rip open over her crotch and a handgun pops out]
Mingie: All right! Everyone back! Get back I said! [takes control of Oprah's body and turns her around. The fans cower]
Oprah: What the hell is this??!!
Mingie: [waves the gun around] Nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
Gary: Mingie, what're you doin'?
Mingie: Gettin' ou'a here Gary! One way or another! [a police officer shows up, gun at the ready]
Oprah: What is going on??!!
Mingie: [aims the gun at Oprah's head] Shut up! Shut up, you miserable old cow, or so help me I'll blow your brains out! [aims it at the police officer] I want a chooper! You got that?! And a jet waiting at the airport!
Gary: Mingie, have you lost your mind?
Mingie: Come on, Gary! You always said you wanted to see Paris!
Gary: Not like this, Mingie. Not like this!
Officer: [approaching cautiously, ready to fire his gun] All right, gig is up. Put down the gun!
Mingie: Stay back, mate!
Officer: Drop the gun and step away.
Mingie: I'm warnin' you!
Officer: [takes a few steps forward] Put it down, I said- [a gunshot hits him in the chest] Augh! [falls onto his knees] Gawhh [falls forward and dies]
Gary: Jesus Minge! You killed him! You shot him dead!
Mingie: No turnin' back now, Gary.
Gary: Oh God, I think I'm goinna be sick eh.
Mingie: Oh keep your head, Gary.
Gary: I can't, uh... I'm goinna puke! [moments later he begins to puke]
Mingie: Ah, Gary, that smells awful! Now I'm gonna throw up! [moments later he begins to puke. Everyone is looking on in amazement. One of the fans begins to move slowly away from Oprah, but Mingie notices and aims the gun at him] Try to leave and I'll shoot you too! You hostages aren't goin' anywhere till we get what we want!
Man 6: Oh my God, what are we goinna do?
Man 7: You got us into this, towel. Think of somethin'!
Towelie: All right, I'm gonna get a little high. [sets up to light the joint, but stops himself again] No! No I'm NOT gonna get high! Every time I get high, I come up with ideas that get me in more trouble. I'm not gettin' high this time!
Scene Description: HBC World News
Geraldo: I'm standing in the business district of central Chicago, where Oprah's vagina has killed a police officer and taken several people hostage. It is yet unconfirmed but believed that Oprah's asshole may be an accomplice in this as well.
SWAT officer 1: Got the walkie-talkie you asked for.
Mingie: Put it underneath me. [the SWAT officer bends down and place the walkie-talkie underneath Mingie] Slowly, mate, slowly! [the officer slides it in place] Now back off. [the officer backs away] All right, Gary, squeeze the walkie button. [click] This is Oprah's minge!
Lt. Nelson: Hellow, I'm Lieutenant Nelson. What are your demands?
Mingie: I want a chopper, and a jet waiting at the airport to take us to France! Plus we need some fresh knickers right away.
Lt. Nelson: All right, how about fresh underwear for one hostage.
Mingie: I'm not playing games with you, mate! Gary's drownin' in his own sick!
Lt. Nelson: All right, we'll work on it. Don't do anything foolish. [turns off the walkie talkie] We don't have any time; this is the most unstable vagina I've ever talked to.
SWAT officer 2: O'Reilly, you got a shot?
O'Reilly: [from a nearby rooftop] I got it. [has his sights on Oprah's minge]
Lt. Nelson: [shifting gears] Not with those hostages so close! It's too risky!
Gary: Oh just put down the gun, Mingie. Maybe they'll go easy on us.
Mingie: Don't be stupid, Gary. I've got a policeman. They'll fry me, lock you up for life.
Gary: [emotional] Aw Mingie, I'm soo scared.
Mingie: We're gonna get out of here, mate. Just leave it to me.
SWAT officer 3: Oprah's vagina, this is your last warning! Put down the gun!
Mingie: If that chopper isn't here in two minutes, I'm killin' a hostage!
Towelie: Hey wait a minute. [begins to move slowly, then quickly to the bank doors again. He thinks a moment, then slides in under the doors and stands up. He turns around and opens the doors] Pssst! [the hostages look and then move into the bank]
Mingie: I mean it! Hostages are gonna start dyin' if you don't listen! [the hostages run through the bank and out the back doors]
SWAT officer 4: Hostages are clear!
Lt. Nelson: All right, that's it. Take it out! [O'Reilly shoots]
Oprah: AAAAaaah!
Mingie: What the? Haha! You missed me, you stewpid buggers! You see that Gary? They can't even aim!
Gary: [softly] Min... [louder] Mingie.
Mingie: Gary, what's, what's wrong?
Gary: They got me, Mingie.
Mingie: No... Oh no!
Gary: Aye. They got me bad. Oh, the blood.
Mingie: Try to hang on, Gary!
Gary: Ih... It's gettin' dark, Minge.
Mingie: Oh Gary! What have I gotten ya into?
Gary: I've seen muh life flash before me eyes. Mingie!
Mingie: I'm 'ere, Gary!
Gary: Where... where are we, Mingie? Are we in Paris?
Mingie: Yeah. Yeah, we're in Paris, mate.
Gary: Ahhh... Is it as wonderful as I 'oped?
Mingie: Ih, it's beautiful. We've finally made it!
Gary: Tell me what you see, Mingie.
Mingie: [getting emotional] Well, there's the... Eiffel Tower right in front of us. The Louvre, right over there behind ya. And f-fresh baguettes all around.
Gary: Ahhh... I can smell them, Mingie. At least I got to see Paris before I- [and no more is heard from him]
Mingie: Gary? Gary, say somethin'. [Gary craps his last, or maybe it's just a final fart] You killed him, you bastards! He didn't even want any part in this! This is all your fault, you stupid cow! You never gave your ol' Gary the time of day and now he's gone! Life ain't worth livin' any more! What's the use?! ...I'm comin' to see you, Gary! [the gun is cocked] I'm comin' to see ya!
Oprah: No! Don't! [the gun goes off. Moments later, Oprah is put on a gurney and wheeled over to a waiting ambulance, and rolled in]
Lt. Nelson: Oprah's going to be okay. Wish I could say the same for her vagina and asshole.
Detective: That's a great idea you had to sneak the hostages inside the bank.
Man 7: Yeah, it sure was. We're sorry we tried to burn you and murder you before.
Towelie: Aw, that's okay. This whole thing was my fault. I learned that I shouldn't get high to come up with ideas. I should come up with ideas and then get high, to reward myself. [whips out his joint and lighter]
Joint: Youuu said it. [Towelie lights it up and chugs away]