Scene Description: Cartman's house, day. Cartman and his friends sit on the sofa watching TV
Announcer: [voice only] And so, in her career filled with lies, backstabbing, and whoring herself for money, [shot of the TV, with the camera panning up to reveal Punky Brewster sitting in a director's chair] she learned that the price of fame can be pleasing 65 men at once in a dark, dirty alley. [image of Punky makes room for the show's logo on the right side] And so ends "Punky Brewster, Behind The Blow."
Cartman: Whoa, bummer, dude.
Kyle: Okay, dude, it's 3:30. [Cartman changes the channel]
Announcer 2: [Shot of TV as "The Terrance & Phillip Show" begins] It's time for the Terrance & Phillip Show!
The Boys: Yay!
Phillip: Excuse me, buddy.
Terrance: Why, did you fart? [farts] Oh, no! [both laugh]
Stan: Oh man, this is another rerun.
Cartman: Are you sure? I haven't seen it.
Kyle: Yeah, fatass, this is their famous Mechanic sketch.
Phillip: I'm looking for a mechanic. Can you tell me how to get to the auto garage?
Terrance: Sure, buddy! All you need to do is go down to the [faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaart. Whatever Terrance is saying is drowned out by the fart], and that's how you [boys join in] get to the auto garage!
Phillip: Can you tell me how to get to the auto garage without farting?
Terrance: Sure. You go the same way [Kyle chimes in] except stick your finger up your ass.
Phillip: No no no! I mean, could you tell me the directions again without you farting?
Terrance: OOOH! Sure! Just stick your finger up my ass.
Phillip: Alright, no problem, buddy. [Terrance lowers his pants enough to show his ass; Phillip sticks his finger in there] Now, tell me: How do I get to the auto garage to see a mechanic?
Terrance: [now wearing a mechanic's hat] You're at the auto garage. I am the mechanic.
Phillip: Why the heck didn't you tell me you were the mechanic?
Stan: Because I had an itch up my ass.
Terrance: Because I had an itch up my ass. [the two laugh, then the boys laugh, then the laughter dies down. Terrance farts again, and they both laugh as the camera's iris shuts slowly.]
Scene Description: Cut to next scene, where they are working on toilet plumbing
Terrance: Terrance & Phillip will be right back...
Phillip:: ...after these messages. [toilet water erupts from the toilet and blows them off camera]
Scene Description: Cut to Cartman's living room
Stan: When are they gonna make new ones?
Announcer 3: [On TV, "HEY KIDS!!," white on green, appears and gets bigger, then dances on a blinking background] Hey kids, don't miss the greatest event of the year! This Thursday night at the Denver Coliseum, see Terrance and Phillip LIVE! And in person! ["Terrance and Phillip LIVE! And in person" appears, then Terrance and Phillip flank the text on either side]
Stan: What's this?
Announcer 3: [scenes from various episodes appear] One night and one night only, see all your favorite Terrance and Phillip bits live! [Kenny starts babbling incoherently]
Kyle: Oh my God!
Cartman: [running in circles] You guys! Hey you guys! You guys!
Stan: Enough! I know!
Announcer: To order tickets, call TicketSlave NOW!! [a crawl at the bottom of the screen, black on red, reads "CALL NOW! 555-TIXS"]
Kyle: Write the number down! Write the number down!!
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Class is ready to start, the kids are in their seats. Kyle rushes to his seat
Stan: Dude! Did you get 'em?
Kyle: I got 'em! Four tickets, 68th row, to Terrance and Phillip! I waited in line since 3 this morning!
Cartman: Awesome! Give me mine! [Kyle gives them out]
Butters: Wow, yuh-you guys ore gonna see Terrance and Phillip Live?
Stan: Yep. Tomorrow night.
Ms. Choksondik: [enters and goes before the chalkboard] Alright, children, let's settle down. As you know, this coming Friday is Earth Day. [writes it on the board] and I'm pleased to announce that the national Earth Day organization has chosen South Park as its location for the Earth Day Brainwashing Festival.
Class: Oohh.
Ms. Choksondik: The heads of the Earth Day Brainwashing organization are here to tell you all about it. [moves aside for the heads. Two men and a woman come in, each of them sporting a bow on the left lapel.]
Older man: Hello children, I know you're all very excited about having the Earth Day Brainwashing Festival put on in your town.
Younger man: [slowly waves his left forearm in a broad arc, to the left, palm out] You care very much about the earth, don't you?
Class: Yes.
Older man: Good, because it's up to all of you to get lots of people to come.and make it look great. The festival is on Friday, so we'll start getting it ready tomorrow night. [the boys stir and the camera closes in]
Kyle: What??
Younger man: We've all gotta pitch in.
Stan: Ah, I'm sorry, but the four of us can't help tomorrow night.
Cartman, Kyle, Kenny: Yeah.
Older man: You... what??
Kyle: Well we got tickets to see Terrance and Phillip Live in Denver tomorrow night. We paid forty bucks apiece for them.
Older man: And Terrance and Phillip are more important than Mother Earth?
Cartman: Well yeah, dude.
Older man: [slowly waves his left forearm in a broad arc, to the left, palm out] You don't care about Terrance and Phillip. [the boys stare back] Nothing matters more than saving the planet from Republicans. [draws close and repeats the arm movement] You don't need to see Terrance and Phillip.
Stan: No, dude, we really, really do.
Older man: [to the woman at his left, whispers] Their will is strong.
Ms. Choksondik: I'm sorry, boys, but nothing's more important than Earth Day.
Kyle: [fielding] Uhuh, but that's why we're going.
Stan: Huh?
Kyle: See, w-we're the official presidents of the Terrance and Phillip Fan Club. A- and... we're... going to see them tomorrow 'cause we can get them to perform at the Earth Day festival.
Younger man: You can get Terrance and Phillip to perform? [to the older man] That would be great. Terrance and Phillip would draw huge ratings from children all over the country.
Older man: Very well, kids; we'll work on getting the event ready here, and you go get Terrance and Phillip.
The Boys: All right!
Older man: [ominously] But I warn you: You'd better not promise things to Earth Day people that you can't deliver. Earth Day people can be... eheheh very unforgiving.
Kyle: [the boys look sufficiently scared] Heheh, heh, no problem, heh. No problem!
Scene Description: Denver Coliseum, the following night. The place is packed and music plays in the background. The boys all sport their Terrance and Phillip shirts, as do some other kids.
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen! [the kids cheer and hoot. Spotlights wash over the audience, their beams moving around aimlessly] Put your hands together for... Terrance! [only one spotlight remains on, illuminating the mic, and the music cuts off]
Terrance: [approaches the mic from behind the curtains] Hellooo, Den-ver! [the roar of the audience fades quickly as they see only Terrance there, and he's not quite himself. A smattering of applause follows]
Kyle: Wow, dude, Terrance got really fat.
Stan: Yeah, he looks terrible.
Terrance: How are we all feeling tonight? Pretty good? Uh oh. [Terrance farts and the audience claps awkwardly] Hey, do you all remember this one? "Doctor, doctor. I think I cracked my ass." "Reallih? Let me take a look." "Look closer." [farts, and laughs]
Stan: Uuuuhh.
Cartman: Where the hell is Phillip?! Phil-lip!
Cartman, Kyle: Phil-lip!
Audience: Phil-lip! Phil-lip! Phil-lip! Phil-lip!
Terrance: ["Phil-lip! Phil-lip!"] And now, for some classic Terrance and Phillip comedy! [the crowd cheers and music plays a bit]
Phillip Stand-in: Hello Terrance.
Terrance: Hello Phillip.
Stan: Phillip? That's not Phillip.
Terrance: Say, Phillip, I have a question for you.
Phillip Stand-in: Ho-okay, shoot. [bends down to receive the fart. Terrance bends over and farts on "Phillip's" face. They both laugh]
Kyle: Dude, what the hell is going on?! Why did they replace Phillip?
Cartman: I think this new guy's funny.
Terrance: And now here's a classic Terrance and Phillip sketch that I wrote back in '62. [he and his partner pull out top hats]
Phillip Stand-in: Excuse me, sir. Do you know Who farted?
Terrance: He sure did.
Phillip Stand-in: What's the person's name?
Terrance: Who.
Phillip Stand-in: The guy that farted!
Terrance: Who!
Phillip Stand-in: The person that passed gas!
Terrance: Who passed gas!
Phillip Stand-in: Now, why are you asking me?
Terrance: That's the man's name?
Phillip Stand-in: That's Who's name?
Terrance: Yes!
Phillip Stand-in: Something very terrible has happened in the world of Terrance and Phillip, and we've got to find out what.
Phillip Stand-in: Look, buddy, all I'm trying to find out is What's the guy's name that farted?
Terrance: Right, the guy that drank his own urine.
Phillip Stand-in: Who?
Scene Description: Denver Coliseum, later. Stan and his friends walk down the corridors backstage, heading to Terrance's dressing room
Stan: Come on, guys, we're getting to the bottom of this. [they reach the dressing room, but a bouncer stands in the way] 'Scuse us.
Bouncer: Where do you think you're going?
Kyle: We have to talk to Terrance.
Bouncer: Hyeah, right.
Stan: It's okay. We're the official presidents of the Terrance and Phillip fan club.
Bouncer: Then get in the "Official Presidents of the Terrance and Phillip Fan Club" line. [points to the line, which has a lot more kids waiting to see Terrance. The boys turn to see...]
Cartman: Aw, dude, gay!
Stan: You don't understand! We saved Terrance and Phillip's lives once.
Bouncer: You and about a thousand other people at one time or another. Now, get out of my face! [the boys head for the end of the line]
Cartman: Racist! [a boy wearing glasses watches the foursome approach. The boys fall in]
Stan: Man, this sucks!
Boy in glasses: [quite timidly] Are you guys official presidents, too?
Cartman: Don't talk to us, kid.
Kyle: Hey! Look at that line! [a post next to it reads "FEMALE GROUPIES AND OTHER RANDOM SLUTS" An obese woman stands last in line] It's way shorter.
Stan: I don't think we're female groupies or random sluts.
Cartman: Kenny's a random slut. [a look of anger flashes across Kenny's face]
Kyle: Well, maybe we can sneak in over there. Come on. [moves to the other line. His friends follow.] Sshh. [stretches the fat woman's pants enough so that all four of them climb in and disappear under her fat]
Scene Description: Terrance's dressing room. He and a groupie are making out on the sofa, both moaning.
Terrance: Mmm. Mmm, yummy. [spanks her twice] Mmm. [they separate a bit]
Groupie: It was so great meeting you. I feel like we really shared something.
Terrance: We sure did, baby. [stands her up quickly and she looks back, disappointed in his reaction] Next? [the obese woman comes in happily]
Obese Woman: [voice trembling] Hello Terrance. I'm such a huuuge fan.
Terrance: You're a huge fan alright!
Obese Woman: Can I just have you sign my breasts?
Terrance: But what do I get in return?
Obese Woman: Whatever you want. [starts making out with him]
Terrance: Oh yeah. [lays down on the sofa, under her] Oh, that's good, baby.
Obese Woman: Oh, Terrance, I love you.
Terrance: You like that? [the woman unzips his pants, then her own]
Obese Woman: I love you! [coitus ensues]
Terrance: Yeah.
Obese Woman: I LOVE you!
Terrance: Ah good.
Obese Woman: I LOVE YOU!!
Terrance: Yeah-
Both: [reaching climax] OH!!! [Cartman leaps out the back of the woman's pants]
Cartman: Agh! Wough! Man, it smells down there! [Terrance and the woman stand up]
Terrance: Jesus Christ! That was fast! Well, what should we name it? How about Jerry?
Obese woman: What the hell? [the other three boys climb out]
Terrance: Oh wow! We had quadruplets! [the woman throws up her arms and runs out screaming]
Stan: We're not quadruplets, Terrance. We snuck in that woman's spandex to get in here.
Terrance: Oh! Thank God. The last thing I need is more kids. [gets a pen and paper] What do you want, an autograph or something?
Kyle: Nuh, it's more important than that. Our school is putting on a big show for Earth Day, and we promised people we could get you to perform.
Terrance: Earth Day, huh? That sounds like a very noble cause. How much does it pay?
Stan: But where's Phillip?
Terrance: [crosses his arms and looks mad] Who?
Kyle: Phillip, your partner.
Terrance: Why is it that every time somebody sees me they have to say, "Hey, where's Phillip?" Like we're freaking married or something! You know, I'll let you tater-tots in on a little secret: Phillip is a HACK! [shot of the boys listening] You know who wrote all the Terrance and Phillip stuff? ME! Phillip never did anything but read his lines!
Kyle: But the guy who replaced him sucks!
Terrance: Ah, I know. [sulks away from the sofa] I know he sucks [walks to his dresser and mirror. The boys are seen in the reflection] To be honest, things haven't been going so well lately. I'm not making any money because everyone wants to see Phillip. Why? What the hell does Phillip do?
Stan: Because, dude, it's Terrance and Phillip.
Terrance: Ogh, whatever. [turns around to face the boys] The point is, Phillip and I are through. [wistfully] And apparently, so is the act. And so is the money.
Stan: What if we can get Phillip to agree to get back together. Will you do the Earth Day show for us?
Terrance: HA! Goood luck getting Phillip! He left because he wanted to do [does a quote with his index and middle fingers from both hands] "more serious" stuff. Last I heard, he was doing Canadian Shakespeare in Toronto.
Kenny: (Toronto?)
Kyle: [pleading] But we promised the Earth Day people you'd perform.
Terrance: Well, in that case, I'd say you four boys are up Fart Creek without a paddle. [the boys look at each other in dismay]
Scene Description: "South Park: Home of Earth Day Celebration 2001," day. Booths are being set up for the festival. The heads of the Earth Day Brainwashing Festival make their rounds
Older man: [through a bullhorn] Work! Work, children! We only have two more days until Earth Day! Work!
Clyde: Ah, excuse me? My daddy is a geologist and he says there actually isn't any concrete evidence of global warming.
Older man: That's not true. [waves his right forearm slowly to the right, palm out] Global warming is going to kill us all. [repeats the arm movement] The Republicans are responsible.
Clyde: Thank you. [turns and returns to work. Stan and friends come in from the other direction and stop at a sign announcing Terrance and Phillip: "TERRANCE & PHILLIP As Promised By KYLE AND HIS FRIENDS"]
Stan: Oh no, dude.
Older man: [arriving with his assistants] Oh, there you are, boys. I need Terrance and Phillip's information so I can tell them their schedule.
Kyle: Uuuh, we didn't get them.
Older man: [gravely] You what?
Stan: They're not together anymore, dude.
Younger man: You'd better be joking. We've already announced their participation.
Kyle: Look, we could we could probably get Terrance, but he'll be performing with this other guy.
Older man: You promised us Terrance and Phillip! We therefore promised the WORLD Terrance and Phillip! You WILL get us Terrance and Phillip, or else!
Stan: But there's nothing we can do. Phillip is doing Shakespeare in Canada now.
Older man: Then you'd better get your asses to Canada and GET him. We'll make travel arrangements. [the three of them start to move away] Nothing is more important than the environment, boys. Not even your lives. [leaves]
Kyle: Well, guys, I guess we're going to Canada.
Cartman: Weak.
Phillip: Ahhh [leaps on his rival, and both lose their swords. The two scuffle on the floor for a few seconds. Phillip's rival fends him off, but Phillip picks up the rival's sword and wounds him with it. We soon learn this is Act 5, Scene 2 of the play, the finale. And so...]
King Claudius: Part them; they are incensed.
Hamlet: [Phillip] Nay, come, again.
Queen Gertrude: Aaaah! [falls]
Osric: [steps forth.] Look to the queen there, buddih! [Hamlet looks over his left shoulder]
Horatio: They bleed on both sides. [Hamlet goes to check on the Queen] How is it, my lord?
Osric: How is't, Laertes?
Laertes: Why, as a woodcock to mine own springe, Osric;I am justly kill'd with mine own treachery.
Hamlet: How does the queen?
King Claudius: Hey guy, she swounds to see them bleed, buddih. [in the audience Stan and Kyle sigh deeply and Kenny plays with a toy plane, Cartman is asleep]
Queen Gertrude: No, no, the drink, the drink,-O my dear Hamlet,-The drink, the drink! I am poison'd. Blagh! [dies]
Hamlet: O villany! Ho! let the door be lock'd:Treachery! Seek it out.
Laertes: [genuflects next to the poisoned sword] It is here, Hamlet: Hamlet, thou art slain; No medicine in the world can do thee good; In thee there is not half an hour of life; The treacherous instrument is in thy hand, unbated and envenom'd: the foul practice hath turn'd itself on me lo, here I lie,Never to rise again: thy mother's poison'd: I can no more: the king, the king's to blame.
Hamlet: [picks up the poisoned sword] The point!-envenom'd too! Then, venom, to thy work, buddih! [Stabs King Claudius]
All: Treason! treason!
King Claudius: O, yet defend me, friends; I am but hurt.
Hamlet: Here, thou incestuous, murderous, damned Dane, drink off this potion. Is thy union here? Follow my mother.
King Claudius: Blagh! [dies]
Laertes: He is served;It is a poison temper'd by himself.Exchange forgiveness with me, noble Hamlet:Mine and my father's death come not upon thee, Nor thine on me. Blagh! [dies]
Hamlet: Heaven make thee free of it! I follow thee, guy. I am dead, Horatio. Wretched queen, adieu! You that look pale and tremble at this chance, buddih, That are but mutes or audience to this act, [chuckles] Had I but time-as this fell sergeant, death, Is strict in his arrest-O, I could tell you, buddih-But let it be. Horatio, I am dead; Thou livest, guy; report me and my cause aright, to the unsatisfied. [chuckles]
Horatio: Never believe it: I am more an antique Roman than a Dane: Here's yet some liquor left, buddih.
Stan: Jesus Tapdancing Christ, is this thing ever gonna end? [Kenny continues playing with his plane]
Hamlet: ...he has my dying voice;So tell him, with the occurrents, more and less,Which have solicited. The rest is silence. Blagh. [dies]
Horatio: Now cracks a noble heart. Good night sweet prince:And flights of angels sing thee to thy rest, buddih!...
Scene Description: The parking lot. The play has ended. Phillip reaches his car with square tires. Stan and the boys chase him down
Stan: [reaching Phillip] Phillip! Phillip!
Phillip: Yes?
Stan: Our town in Colorado was chosen to host Earth Day this year and... we need a big act.
Phillip: Oh, really? This run of Hamlet is closing down, I'm afraid. We could take it there.
Stan: [stammering] Ah, well, we were thinking how cool it would be if you and Terrance got back together for a reunion and-
Phillip: AH! Stop right there! I'm not doin' nothin' with that fatass egomaniac!
Stan: But we need you!
Phillip: Ah, I'm sick of him taking credit for all the work and not letting me change the act. It's old and stale! I mean, do you really think that fart jokes are funny for that long? [farts and laughs despite himself]
Cartman: Look, if you don't come and do the show, I'll make you eat your parents!
Phillip: Yeah, whatever, kid.
Stan: He'll do it, dude.
Kyle: Ah, look, Phillip. Everyone in South Park just wants to see your serious side.
Phillip: What?
The other boys: What?
Kyle: They told us that "Phillip. He's the one with talent. Just get him for Earth Day."
Phillip: Really? Well that sounds interesting. How much does it pay?
Stan: Two thousand dollars.
Phillip: [opens the driver-side door] I'm in! Here, call me at this number with the details. [hands Stan a business card] Gotta run! [peels away]
Stan: Dude, you didn't tell him Terrance would be there.
Kyle: I didn't see he wouldn't be there, either. Look, all we have to do is get them there, right? Once Terrance and Phillip get together again, it'll be like old times.
Cartman: Oh, Kyle, you just made a huge withdrawal at the First Bank of Lies.
Kyle: [silent for a bit, then] Ih-it'll be okay.
Scene Description: South Park, day. The kids put finishing touches on the various booths. The heads of the Earth Day Brainwashing Festival make their rounds again
Older man: [through a bullhorn] Work faster! Faster, children! Earth Day is coming! [they approach and ascend a stage set up for Terrance and Phillip. Stan and friends are already there, waiting] Well, boys, it's rehearsal time, and your Terrance and Phillip haven't shown up.
Kyle: They said they'd come.
Stan: I'm sure they'll be here any minute.
Older man: [moves to stand behind the boys with his assistants flanking him] Maybe you kids don't understand how important Earth Day is for the future of our planet. Maybe you need some convincing. Carl? [the younger man, now known as Carl, takes an Earth Day meat cleaver and chops off Kenny's left hand]
Kenny: (AAAAHH!)
Stan: Oh my God!
Phillip: [arriving] Excuse me, is this where the Earth Day crap is happening?
Kyle: He's here! [Stan and Cartman smile]
Older man: Oh. Very good. Mr. Phillip, I am Jack Farliss, head of the Earth Day Committee. Thank you for being part of this important event.
Phillip: Whatever. Where's my check? [Terrance enters from the other side of the stage.]
Terrance: Alright, I'm here. Where do I-?
Phillip: [angrily] What's HE doing here?
Jack: Alright, let's do a rehearsal so that the camera crew can get a look at it. [a zoom-out shows Terrance and Phillip facing away from each other]
Kyle: Uhhh-woo wow! Isn't this great? You guys seeing each other again?
Stan: Ee yeah, you must have a lot of catching up to do. But let's rehearse first.
Phillip: So, this is your dong, huh, Terrance?!
Terrance: My doing?? These kids called me and said it was your idea and that you wanted to apologize.
Kyle: Please, you guys. This is for Earth Day. [moves his left forearm, palm out, from right to left] You care about Mother Earth, don't you?
Phillip: Well, what the hell? I already flew all the way out here. But I want my check made out to me, not both of us!
Terrance: Ditto!
Stan: Fine! [the boys leave the stage]
Kyle: See? I told you it would work. [the boys take their places before the committee]
Jack: Alright, we'll come off the speech about the dying whales, and thennn, action!
Terrance: Doctor, doctor, I've cracked my ass.
Phillip: Really? Let me take a look.
Terrance: Look closer. [poots]
Kyle.: [encouraging, claps] Haha, hahahaha. Hahaha.
Phillip: Yon fart doth smell of elderberry sweet. Thou dost protes-
Terrance: [interrupts] Uh. What? That's not the line, asshole!
Phillip: You're right. It's a better one, asshole!
Terrance: Just do the bit right, dickface!
Phillip: Why don't you go eat some more pudding, you fatass drug addict?!
Terrance: I may be fat but at least I didn't get hair plugs!
Phillip: That's it! I ain't doin' nothin' with Kuko the Whale!
Terrance: I never needed you in the first place, yuh hack! [moves off the stage, left]
Kyle: You can't leave! The show starts soon!
Jack: Boys, you've got... three hours to get those two back together. Do I need to remind you what will happen if you don't? Carl! [Carl pulls out the cleaver again and chops off Kenny's right hand.]
Kenny: (OOOWWW!)
Kyle: You bastards!
Jack: Good luck, boys. [He, Carl, and the woman walk away. The boys move towards Kenny]
Cartman: We've got to get them back together, you guys. They could do this to us.
Scene Description: South Park, later. Media has come in to cover the event: "Terrance & Phillip Earth Day Brainwashing Festival"
Reporter: [a woman on stage sings and plays a guitar] Tom, I'm standing in South Park, Colorado, where Earth Day 2001 is in full force. [one shot of the booths] Environmental awareness games, booths, and of course, [a shot of more booths] the entertainment on stage, which is being broadcast live all over the country. This eco-happy crowd is thrilled and waiting in anticipation for the arrival of Terrance and Phillip, who are promised by these four boys. [an inset of the boys appears over the reporter's left shoulder]
Jack: [takes the mic as the singer leaves] What a touching and true song. You know, it's true. [sweeps his left forearm, palmout, from right to left] Republicans are ruining the earth.
Crowd: [repeating] Republicans are ruining the earth.
Jack: Alright. Well, I think I know why most of you tuned in today. How about some Earth Day entertainment?! [the crowd cheers and claps. Jack gives the mic to Kyle and walks off. Stan has left the stage]
Kyle: Hooray for the earth! We must protect it. [the crowd nose dies down] And now, as promised, here are TERRANCE AND PHILLIP, on video! [Stan hands a tape to a camera man, who puts it into a VCR and starts it.]
Carl: On video? [the curtains part on stage, revealing "EARTH DAY 2001"]
Narrator: They were considered the best comedy act in all of Canada. [a shot of the duo, then another of them with Tony Orlando and Dawn] But a fast-paced rocket ride to success would bring them to the depths of despair. [a shot of Terrance, slumped over his couch, then of the show's logo, with vigorous music] This is Terrance and Phillip: Behind the Blow.
Crowd: Wow!
Carl: [approaching the boys] What the hell do you call this?! [Jack and the woman show up]
Kyle: Eh it's "Terrance and Phillip: Behind the Blow." I taped it last month.
Jack: We promised people Terrance and Phillip, not a video documentary! You've ruined the earth for the last time, boys! [Carl wields the cleaver one more time, and it reads "Earth Day Cleaver 2001." The boys make a run for it]
The Boys: Aaaahh! [they run behind the crowd as the committee pursues them]
Narrator: [the show resumes] Terrance was born Terrance Henry Stoot, in the small Canadian village of Toronto. [shown with his parents. Mom is a Mountie, Dad seems to be a lumberjack] At a very early age his parents noticed an uncanny musical ability and decided to enroll him in the Canadian School for gifted babies. [a shot of Terrance playing a xylophone, then of the school building, then of Terrance in a class picture with other toddlers] It was here that he partnered up with Phillip Niles Argyle [soon highlighted], a brash young baby from Montreal. [a shot of a poster announcing their next performance] Together, they performed musical acts that stunned Canadians everywhere. [stock footage of Las Vegas in the 1960s] At the tender age of six, Terrance and Phillip were off to the United States to perform on the Ed Sullivan show [stock footage of the building the show was filmed at]. where American audiences would be exposed to Canadians for the first time.
Ed Sullivan: [arms folded over his chest] And now, ladies and gentlemen, we have two adorable little boys from Canada. Please put your hands together for the music of young Terrance and Phillip. [fanfare, audience claps as the two boys are shown in Canadian Mountie dress. They begin their song and dance]
Terrance & Phillip: Beef and lamb, chicken and ham, Step to the left and clap your hands! Gosh we love our chicken and ham. Don't let it go to waste that chicken and ham!
Woman: Oh my God, what's wrong with their heads?!
Man: It's alright, darling, they're just Canadian.
Woman: Oooh.
Terrance & Phillip: Beef and lamb, chicken and ham, Step to the left and clap your hands! Gosh we love our chicken and ham. Don't let it go to waste that chicken and ham!
Narrator: The Canadian act confused American audiences. [one person claps. Ed looks disappointed] But then something happened that would change Terrance and Phillip's act forever. [Phillip farts. A man and woman laugh, and soon the audience joins in. Ed claps joyfully as well. The crowd is soon roaring with cheers and then Terrance farts in return. More laughter and cheers] It was the birth of Canadian comedy. [a shot of Terrance and Phillip using their fart routine in their music act, a shot of them with President Gerald Ford] Terrance and Phillip spent the next several years perfecting their art, and meeting some of America's most influential people. [a shot of the audience looking at the video, from the back of the audience]
Phillip: [approaches Mr. Garrison] Excuse me, which way is the bus station? [still mad, carries a suitcase]
Mr. Garrison: Hey, you're the guy on the screen. [points to the stage]
Phillip: What? [looks at the screen]
Narrator: But it was in 1974, on the Sonny & Cher Show, that Terrance and Phillip finally started to mix their Canadian humor with deep political insight. [splashy shots of the Sonny & Cher Show]
Sonny: You know, Cher, a lot of us real Americans don't know much about Canada.
Cher: [garbled somewhat] Well, a lot of us real Americans aren't as stupid and short as you, hm. [the audience laughs]
Sonny: Please put your groovy hands together for the young and talented Terrance and Phillip! [applause and music as the duo come on]
Phillip: Say, Terrance, I'm getting worried aboot all these Russians making missiles. Maybe we should stop this cold war.
Terrance: Here's a missile for ya! [farts in his direction, and they both laugh. The audience laughs along]
Phillip: That's better. [farts on Terrance's face, and they both laugh, and the audience joins in. Terrance farts on Phillip's face and they both laugh. The audience laughs some more. Terrance farts on Cher and Phillip farts on Sonny]
Narrator: With this bold mix of humor and political insight, the world couldn't get enough of Terrance and Phillip. [the shot of Terrance and Phillip with Tony Orlando and Dawn] But their fame would come at a price, when Behind the Blow continues.
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, front. The boys stop there to catch their breaths
Stan: [panting] Okay. Okay, I think we lost them.
Kyle: Jesus, man, those Earth Day people don't screw around!
Cartman: Kyle, none of this would be happening if you hadn't LIED in the first place! You lied, and then you lied to cover up your lie!
Kyle: I didn't see you complaining at the time, fat boy!
Stan: Guys, we have no choice. We're gonna have to move away. Environmental activists don't use logic or reason.
Carl: [off-screen] There they are! [the boys react and are off running]
Kyle: Haaah! [Carl chops off Kenny's left leg to the knee]
Kenny: (Aahhh!)
Stan: Go! Run run run! [Kyle wails, Kenny keeps up somehow]
Scene Description: South Park stage. Behind The Blow continues
Narrator: [a shot of Terrance and Phillip with three Playboy Bunnies] As they entered their late teens, Terrance and Phillip were already starting to taste the sweet milk of success. [a shot of Terrance and Phillip propped up as scarecrows out on a field] But the price of fame was looming, as Terrance and Phillip: Behind the Blow continues. [a shot of Johnny Carson laughing it up with Terrance and Phillip] The '70s and '80s were a good time for young Terrance and Phillip. [a shot of the Donny and Marie Show with Terrance and Phillip cavorting in the background] Their act on the Donny and Marie Show earned them a Nobel Peace Prize. They were on the cover of every magazine. [The Times, Teen Heat] And then in 1998, even a Saturday morning cartoon was made, based on Terrance and Phillip. [From episode #102, "Terrance and Phillip and the Land of the Goat People." The camera pans an alien landscape, from a star in the sky to a pair of muscular men in spandex space suits] Terrance and Phillip themselves supplied the voices.
Phillip: Say Terrance, what should we do aboot this strange planet we've crashed on?
Terrance: I don't know, Phillip. It looks like the alien species here breathe an inert gas.
Phillip: Oh oh, did you say what I thought you said? [farts, and they both laugh]
Goat leader: [approaches with his tribe] As leader of the goat people, I have seen my species nearly wiped out by your dangerous gas.
Phillip: Wow, that sucks. [he and Terrance laugh. The dialog continues as the narrator speaks]
Narrator: The cartoon was such a huge success that it started to breed confusion over whether Terrance and Phillip were animated characters or real people. And so, in 1998, [a shot of them working on a script] the comedy team started work on what they thought would be their greatest achievement: A made-for-TV movie written by and starring Terrance and Phillip, called "Not Without My Anus." [a shot of the duo on the Metro, then the opening logo is shown, then shots of the episode itself] It was their biggest project to date. But it had the misfortune of being scheduled on a night when a different and more popular show, the John Schneider Variety Hour [a shot of John singing], was supposed to air. When fans tuned in to see John Schneider and instead were treated to the Canadian made-for-TV movie [a clip of Terrance and Phillip on the Metro], they were enraged, bewildered, and scared. [a shot of the HBC building in flames] The fans revolted and burned down the network, killing six television producers and wounding twelve others. [a shot of the dead and wounded, another of rioting] The hatred of Terrance and Phillip had begun. Terrance fell into a deep depression and started abusing wood polish. [Terrance sits slumped over his sofa with a small can of polish at his feet] Phillip beat up an angry six-year-old fan and was sued for six million dollars. It was the first time the duo tasted failure [a shot of teen Terrance and Phillip superimposed on a burning HBC building], and it nearly killed them both.
Terrance: [moves into view, looking at the video] What's going on here? [he's behind and next to Mr. Mackey]
Mr. Mackey: Sh. We're watching "Behind the Blow," m'kay.
Scene Description: South Park. The boys run past Tom's Rhinoplasty, with the Earth Day Committee in hot pursuit
Stan: Come on, Kenny, hurry up!
Scene Description: South Park stage. Behind The Blow continues. A shot of Mr. Garrison and Phillip
Narrator: [a shot of Terrance on a yellow sofa, drunk and unkempt, attempting to hammer himself to death] After years of depression and suicide attempts, Terrance and Phillip finally decided to get together [another shot of them working on a script] for one last film: [a poster for Asses of Fire is shown, then the camera zooms on on the duo in the car] the 1999 hit, Asses of Fire. It was one of the highest-grossing films of the summer. [shots of the duo singing and dancing in the street, during "Uncle Fucka"] And though the film also started the Canadian-American War of 1999 [shots of the war], in which eight million people lost their lives, the film was considered a great success. [a shot of Terrance and Phillip holding an Oscar] After almost being executed by the American government [a shot of the attempted execution], Terrance and Phillip were eventually returned to Canada [they are shown getting off the plane, with the captain waving at them from behind], where they were touted as heroes. [a shot of Phillip looking at the video] They have been to hell and back, through the very best and the very worst of times, together, but they had seen it through. [a shot of the duo being hoisted above the crowd, Terrance holding a golden cup.] And so ends Terrance and Phillip, Behind the Blow. [the audience cheers and claps. Terrance walks up to Phillip, still with suitcase]
Phillip: Terrance...
Terrance: Oh, Phillip. You're still here, too.
Phillip: I was just watching this video, I ah-. You know, I've never seen it before.
Terrance: [pause] Me neither.
Phillip: [pause] We sssure did go through a lot together.
Terrance: We sure did.
Phillip: [drops the suitcase and makes a move] Terrance, I-
Terrance: No. No, Phillip, don't say it. I was an asshole, and this is mostly my fault.
Phillip: That's what I was gonna say: You were an asshole, and this is mostly your fault. [awkward pause] But, you were always the more artistically driven of us; I ssshould've put more into it than I did. [now dejected]
Terrance: No, Phillip, I really thought I did everything. Until I- tried to do it alone. [now dejected. Phillip farts long and soft. A few laughs roll out of Phillip, then out of Terrance, and pretty soon they're laughing it up as they always do. The Earth Day committee approaches the boys, who have made it back to the festival]
Jack: Think of all the endangered species that will now vanish because of you! Carl! [Carl chops off Kenny's right leg with the cleaver]
Kenny: (AH how!) [topples over and away from the committee. Large amounts of blood quickly pour out]
Jack: So long, boys! [he and the other two start to move off]
Kyle: Wait! dude, LOOK! [the audience cheers as Terrance and Phillip take the stage]
Terrance: Thank you everyone, thank you! You know, Phillip and I have learned an important lesson: that when you go through a lot with somebody, you can't let trite things come between you.
Phillip: That's right, Terrance. You should only let trite things come between your asscheeks [both fart]
Terrance: Ohohoho, nohoho! [both of them laugh]
Stan: They're back!
Cartman: Alright!
Jack: Yes! Earth Day is saved, boys! Everything worked out after all!
Stan: It sure did.
Cartman: [rolling Kenny over so he can see] Look, Kenny, everything turned out okay!
Kenny: (Oh, well now that's sweet.)
Phillip: Say Terrance, can you tell me Who farted? [the camera pulls out as the skit continues]
Terrance: He sure did, Phillip.
Phillip: NO, I'm asking you his name!
Narrator: And so, Terrance and Phillip got back together, proving once and for all that fame and fortune are never as important as friendship.


Scene Description: A bright, sunny day, with some clouds in the sky. The camera pans down to a funeral scene in a cemetery with robust trees
Priest: ...And so it is with heavy hearts that we say good-bye to Mabel Louise Cartman. [a shot of the entire Cartman family, with a few new faces. Cousin Alexandra wears a veil over her face] She was a good woman, a community leader, a caring wife, a providing mother [a shot of Liane, teary-eyed], and a loving grandmother [a shot of Eric checking his watch]
Cartman: Mom, it's 3:30. This is taking up my whole Saturday.
Liane: Ssshhh, pumpkin, it's almost over.
Cartman: Why couldn't the funeral have been on a school day?
Priest: And now, let us bow our heads in a moment of silence and reflect on how Mabel touched our lives. [all close their eyes]
Cartman: [softly] God! She didn't take this long to die.
Priest: And now we release the doves to symbolize the Lord taking Mabel into his arms and giving her everlasting peace. [a blonde assistant lifts the cage door cheerfully, then strains to hear some noise. She lifts the cage only to see the dead doves tumble out onto the grass]
Assistant: [serenely] Peace. [music plays and everyone disperses]
Cartman: Great. Now can we go?
Liane: No, sweetie, we have to tend to some of Grandma's business.
Cartman: Ogh! God-damnit..!
Scene Description: The city, day. Johnson's & Associates Law Firm.
Executor: [reads will] ..."And so I leave my stocks and bonds, worth an estimate fourteen dollars and twelve cents, to be divided amongst my loving family."
Cartman: [impatient, arms crossed] Mom, I wanna go home!
Liane: In a minute, sweetie. This is important.
Executor: "To my loving son, Stinky: I leave you the house in Nebraska. Look after it as your father and I did."
Cartman: Bluh bluh bluhbluh bluh bluh...
Executor: "To my grandson Eric: You are always my favorite fat little man, my perfect round little pudding-piler."
Cartman: [under his breath] Oh, God, do you have to embarrass me even in death, Grandma?!
Executor: "For you, Eric, I leave from my life savings, the sum of one million dollars, to be transferred to you immediately."
Cartman: [stunned] Hoosajiggawha?
Liane: A million dollars?
Executor: "Eric is the primary benefactor of my estate, since it is likely the rest of you would spend the money on crack."
Liane: Oh my.
Uncle Stinky: That can't be!
Cartman: Uh yah sir, excuse me. D-Does this mean that I..have...one million dollars?
Executor: Yes, Eric, it's yours.
Cartman: No, no, wait, you don't understand. [voice trembles] since I was th-three years old it has been my dream to have one million dollars...
Executor: And now, you do.
Cartman: Egh... [lets out four long screams while his family watches]
Scene Description: South Park, day. A car with a woman seated in it appears on a hill
Stan: "There you are, Jennifer Lopez!" [Stan's face appears, and it's instantly clear that the car and Lopez are dolls] "You've been most uncooperative, Ms. Lopez."
Kyle: "No, please! I promise I'll never make another album or movie!"
Stan: "It's too late for that, Ms. Lopez." [inserts a small firework next to Lopez in the tiny car]
Kyle: "Have mercy!" [Stan lights the firework. He and Kyle move away. The firework pops and the little car flips over] Yeah ha ha!
Stan: Yeah, awesome!
Kenny: panting(You guys! You guys! You gotta come down to Cartman's house! You hear Cartman got a million dollars from his Grandma!)
Stan: ...Why?
Kenny: (Because! His grandmother just died and her will says Cartman now has a million dollars!)
Kyle: Nuh uh.
Kenny: (No, swear to God it's true! Cartman's got a million dollars!)
Stan: You'd better not be lying, Kenny. [the three walk out of view.]
Scene Description: South Park, the Bank, later. Inside, a banker counts the money out in $100 bills. Mr. Garrison, Principal Victoria, Chef, and others are there.
Banker: Nine hundred ninety nine thousand four hundred, nine hundred ninety nine thousand five hundred...
Jimbo: Damn, Ned, I've never seen that much cash.
Ned: Mm-me neither.
Banker: ...Nine hundred ninety nine thousand nine hundred, one million. [sets the last bill and moves the stack next to the other stacks.]
Cartman: [softly] Look at it. Look at it, mother. See how the light reflects the spearmint green from its surface.
Mr. Garrison: Eric, that is a lot of money. Don't you think you should keep it in the bank instead of at your house?
Cartman: I'm not keeping it, Mr. Garrison, I'm spending it.
Jimbo: On what?
Cartman: On my dream. [zoom in] On the one thing that I've wanted ever since I could remember...
Scene Description: South Park, the Bank, outside. Cartman leads the others out of the bank and down the street. The money is in his Radio Flyer wagon
Broker: [seen in the crowd, pops up next to Cartman] Excuse me son, I'm an investment broker; I can help you invest that money.
Cartman: Nuh uh, I'm spendin' it.
Priest Maxi: Eric, God could sure use that money for a bigger church.
Cartman: Huh, I think God has plenty of money.
Kyle: What the hell are you doing, fatass?!
Cartman: Not much, just taking my [stops the wagon and shows a stack of bill off] one million dollars out of the bank. [the other three boys are stunned]
Stan: Oh my God.
Kyle: Kenny wasn't lying.
Cartman: Would you mind stepping aside? I have a purchase to make.
Stan: Dude, can you loan me twenty bucks for a new jacket?
Cartman: HA! If you need money, you can get a JOB, Stan! No freeloaders are gonna take my hard-earned cash!
Kyle: Your grandma left it to you! You didn't earn it!
Cartman: Didn't earn it?! What about all the years I spent making Grandma like me?! All the wet spit-filled kisses I put up with?! The constant smell of aspirin and pee?! Don't tell me I didn't earn it, you son of a bitch!
Kyle: No... No, this isn't possible.
Stan: Yeah, it's unbelievable.
Kyle: No, I mean, this is impossible, Stan! Cartman is the biggest asshole in the world! How is it that God gives him a million dollars?
Stan: Come on, we gotta see what Cartman is doing with his money. [walks away, but Kyle stays behind, in doubt]
Kyle: Why? How could you do this? There are people starving in Alabama and... and you give Cartman a million dollars?
Scene Description: North Park Funland, day. Cartman and his mom are in the park office signing papers
Broker: ...Aaand if we can just get you to sign here... [Cartman signs] and here... [Cartman signs].
Liane: Are you sure this is what you want, sweetie?
Cartman: My own amusement park, Mother. I'm sure.
Broker: And now you just sign here, Mr. Fun. [Mr. Fun holds the pen and thinks a bit... a roller coaster zips by outside the window]
Mr. Fun: I can't do it.
Broker: What?
Cartman: What?!
Mr. Fun: Uh uh I can't sell this poor kid my park. [Cartman remains stunned] Look, I haven't been honest with you. The park hasn't been doing great business.
Broker: Frank...
Mr. Fun: Sshhhh. It ain't right, Chris. [to Cartman and Liane] The truth is, the park is a financial flop. I haven't turned a profit in years because I can't keep attendance up.
Cartman: Oh, but I'm not buying the park to get people to come.
Mr. Fun: You... you're not?
Cartman: No no! I'm buying it to keep people out! [Chris and Frank look at each other] Don't you see? Forever it has been my dream to have my very own theme park, so that I could be alone in it, all day, every day. I love theme parks. [zoom in] But the lines! Everywhere you go, people, crowds, [shot of people waiting to enter "The Mine Shaft"] The rides are great, but... [a shot of crowds on Main Street] All the lines, lines, LINES! [shot of people waiting to enter a ghost ride, another shot of a kids' mine shaft ride; another of Cartman pissed off, eyes squeezed shut, with waiting times floating past him] If there's one thing I hate, [a shot of two lines of people entering his head] all the lines, lines, lines, LINES!! [opens his eyes, and a moment later...] And then there get to be so many people [his eyes roll around independently of each other] that they make FastPass. [a shot of people in a FastPass line] So then there's lines for FastPass. [zoom out to show Cartman in line for a FastPass] You stand in line to get a ticket to stand in line later. Then there's lines for the bathrooms [two lines for the Waterworks Restrooms], lines for the drinks [Astro Food line], lines for cantakuras [Seussian characters play strange instruments for the people in line] and rare Kartankulas Plinks! [a vendor sells them - they are a fruit treat shaped like strawberries] ...And, so you see, this park is for me. Nobody else will be allowed in it.
Mr. Fun: Nn-oh. Well then, I guess I don't feel bad. [signs the papers]
Chris: [the broker] Mr. Cartman, congratulations, the theme park is yours. [slides the documents to Cartman]
Cartman: Gentlemen, I thank you.
Scene Description: South Park Synagogue, night. A main door opens and Stan enters
Stan: Kyle? [at the front of the synagogue, Kyle sits in the first pew right, and a shaft of moonlight shines down on him from the rose window over the altar. Stan approaches] Dude, what are you doing here? Everybody's looking for you. Kyle?
Kyle: [not turning around, voice quivering] Do you know what happened to me this morning, Stan? This morning... I woke up and felt a sharp pain in my ass. I felt down there and, and found this... big sore lump. On my ass, Stan. I couldn't even sit down, so... I, I had to tell my mother, which, which was humiliating. She took me to the doctor, which was more humiliating, a- a- nd he told me. I-I have a hemorrhoid. It's like an infected blood vessel on your ass. I'm nine years old, and I have a hemorrhoid, Stan. I have a hemorrhoid, and, Cartman has his own theme park.
Stan: Kyle, I, I understand what you mean, but-
Kyle: [leaves the pew to face Stan, teary-eyed] Do you?! Do you, Stan?! Because all my life I was raised to believe in Jehovah! To believe that we should all behave a certain way and good things will come to us. I make mistakes, but every week I try to better myself. I'm always saying, "You know, I learned something today..." and what does this so-called God give me in return? A hemorrhoid. He doesn't make sense! [to God] What is your logic?! [feels a pang in his ass] Ow. [tends to the pain]
Stan: Look. Cartman... he thinks he's gonna be happy because he has his own amusement park, but, he's gonna find out that without other people, the rides are totally lame. I mean, who could really have fun by themselves at a theme park? I'll bet he's sick of it already.
Scene Description: North Park Funland, day. Cartman is on the Carousel on a white horse, alone
Cartman: [gleefully] Yyeessss! Yyeessss! [next, "Java Jam!!" a Teacup ride. Cartman laughs to himself] Awesome! [continues laughing. Next shot: Cartman in the "Bumper Buggies" bumper cars] Ho ho! [bumps into the car before him] Sweet! [bumps into the car behind him] Yes! [next shot: Cartman announcing at the Mine Shaft Ride] Folks, please keep your arms and legs inside the vehicle at all times, make sure your seat belts are fastened, and enjoy the Mine Shaft! [pulls the lever and the cars pull away. Cartman rushes to jump in the first car and buckles in. Outside, the cars go to one end of the ride] Yes! [the cars go to the other end of the ride] Yes! [next shot, goes to "Ride Shots: pictures of your ride"] Oh, cool! [a picture of him on the ride appears on one screen] Oh, look how much fun I had! [next shot: a haunted ride. First, a mummy pops out of a casket to his right] Whoa! Heheheheh. [a skeleton pops out to his right] Ah! Heheh. [a ghost pops on from his left] Whoa! Heh, heheh. [next shot, Cartman on a ferry around an island] Woooo, Adventure Island! Check it out! Awesome! [the island seems to have real animals there, like giraffes, elephants. Next shot, Cartman on a log ride, "The Yeti." He goes down the chute] Yoohoo! Yeh-hehess! [lands in the lake below] Yehess! [comes to the end of the ride, sobs joyfully] I'm so happy! I'm so happy...!
Scene Description: Stan's house. Kyle enters carrying a padded seat ring
Stan: [on the sofa] Oh, hey, dude. Terrance & Phillip is just about to start.
Kyle: Great. [tosses the ring onto the sofa]
Stan: What's that?
Kyle: It's my seat ring. I have to sit on it because of my hemorrhoid. [hops onto the ring] Ow.
Stan: Heh, heh. [Kyle glares at him] Sorry.
Kyle: So, how are things going at Cartman's theme park?!
Stan: Dude, just forget about it. We can't let him get to us, or he wins.
Kyle: Hunh, I guess you're right.
Cartman: [voice, from the TV] Hey, everybody! Check out the all new Cartmanland! It's our Graaand Opening! Cartmanland has over a hundred fabulous rides [Cartman stands next to a Yeti. When the log car comes out, he jumps in and takes off], six roller coasters [one of them is shown], and tons of great surprises! [a haunted tree and the Yeti do their stuff. Cartman is back at the front gate] And the best part is: [zoom in] You can't come!! [Stan and Kyle look confused. Next shot: Cartman on Main Street] That's right, because at Cartmanland, only I, Eric Cartman, can get in! That means only I can ride the all-new Tornado Twister [a shot of the fancy new ride, with Cartman in one of the cars, going through the loops], a roller coaster that splashes in the water! Wow! [an overview of Adventure Island, with Cartman showing it off] It's the greatest amusement park in the Colorado area! And nobody can go!! Especially Stan and Kyle!! HAHA!! [a shot of Cartman landing in a space capsule, with parachute] So come on down to Cartmanland now! [Cartman in the Haunted Mansion ride] But don't plan on getting past the parking lot, [back at the front gate] 'cause remember: [cue music] So much to do at Cartmanland, but you can't come! [cut music] Especially you, Stan and Kyle.
Stan: [hops off the sofa and heads for the door] That does it, dude!
Kyle: Where are we going?
Stan: We're getting into that fatass's park whether he likes it or not! [Kyle hops off and takes his seat ring. Both boys leave]
Scene Description: Cartmanland, Haunted Mansion, night. Cartman is back on the ride.
Cartman: [a mummy pops out of a casket to his right] Whoa! Heheh. [a skeleton pops out to his right] Whoa! [a ghost pops on from his left] Whoa! Heheheheheh. [he exits the ride and ambles back to the road] Aw, man, that was awesohome! That one part, with the, um, with the spider that dropped on ya? Oho, man, that totally got me. That was sweet! Heheh.
Kyle: [in the distance, while Cartman speaks] Ah! Ow! Hey, it hurts! [the sound of chain-link is heard] Owie-ow! Help! Ow, that hurts!
Cartman: [lifts his hand to his ear to hear better] What the hell?
Kyle: Hohohooho! Oowwww!
Cartman: You sons of bitches! [goes towards the source of the sound]
Scene Description: Cartmanland, perimeter fence. Stan is in the park waiting for Kyle to come down, but Kyle is stranded on top of the fence. The view is from the park towards the parking lot.
Stan: Come on, dude!
Kyle: [bawling] Hoh Gohod, I popped it!! Oh hit huhurts!!
Cartman: [arriving] What the hell are you doing?!
Stan: Aw, crap.
Kyle: Oh God, get me off of here!! [falls off, but outside the park]
Stan: Dude! [rushes out of the park to Kyle]
Kyle: [now standing, rubbing his ass and wailing] Stan, I have to go home!! I need my cream!! I need my creeheam!!
Stan: Alright, let's go.
Cartman: [reaches the scene, but stays inside the park] That's right! You stay out!
Stan: You can't keep us out forever, you fucking fat ass! We'll be back as soon as Kyle's hemorrhoid is better!
Kyle: My life can't get any worse!
Stan: You'll see! We'll get in! [walks off with Kyle as Cartman glares after them.]
Scene Description: Cartmanland, day. Cartman stands at the front gate with a new employee. The entrances are now barricaded with wooden planks. Two remain open: the middle one and the one at far right.
Cartman: ...Alright, so listen: All I want you to do is keep anybody out who tries to get in here. If you see anybody on my propertih, especially Stan and Kyle, you are to shoot on sight!
Security guard: So what does does this job pay?
Cartman: Alright, now this is very hard for me to do, you understand. But, in return for you working security, I'll let you ride two rides a day. But only two rides, and only if I'm not on them.
Security guard: Uh, I'm afraid I don't really like rides.
Cartman: [looks warily at the guard] But, you can ride anything you want. And you don't have to wait in line.
Security guard: I'm not interested.
Cartman: Dude, are you from Mars or something? Any ride you want. No lines.
Security guard: If you need security, I need a cash salary.
Cartman: But I don't have any cash. I spent everything on this park.
Security guard: Well, look: Why don't you just let a couple of people in each day? Every day you can just let two people in, charge $29.95 per ticket, and then you can use that to pay my daily salary.
Cartman: Ugh... Two people?
Security guard: This place is huge. You'll never notice two people. And then you'll have security for your park.
Cartman: Well, all alright, Goddamnit! I'll open the park to two people each day! But remember: anybody else you see trespassing the park...
Security guard: I will shoot on sight.
Cartman: Sweet.
Scene Description: Hells Pass Hospital, day. Kyle is on a gurney, face down. A doctor stands behind him as his parents look on
Doctor: You're a very lucky little boy. I've never seen a hemorrhoid so infected. It could have killed you. [walks away]
Kyle: Lucky. [the operating room doors open and in walks Stan]
Gerald: Oh, look, Kyle. Your little friend Stan is here to see you.
Stan: Dude, are you okay?
Kyle: Oh, I'm swell, Stan. I popped my hemorrhoid trying to climb the fence into Cartmanland, and it got infected. I really need to go to the bathroom, but if I do, it will pop again and the pain will make me pass out. How are you?
Stan: Well um, ah-I found out that Cartman is letting a few people each day into his theme park. I was thinking we could put on disguises and get in.
Sheila: Ah-ah-ah-I'm afraid Kyle can't ride any amusement park rides for over a year because of his horrible hemorrhoid.
Stan: Jesus.
Kyle: But it's okay, Stan, because I finally figured it out. You see, if someone like Cartman can get a million dollars and his own theme park, then there is no God. There's no God, dude.
Sheila: Kyle, don't say such things!
Kyle: Why? Why, Mom? Because if I do something bad will happen to me? Because if I do your God might not shower me with his blessings of infected hemorrhoids?
Gerald: Kyle, y-you-you just don't understand. It's-
Kyle: No! I finally do understand! There is no justice! There is no God![Stan casts his eyes down] Do you hear me?! I renounce my faith!!
Scene Description: Cartmanland, day. Barbed wire has been placed atop every fence imaginable. A crowd of people shows up. Among the people are Butters, Clyde, Jordan, Bebe...
Cartman: [on the bullhorn] Alright, alright, listen up, people. Cartmanland is open, but only to two people each day. [turns it off]
Kids: Aw.
Boy: That's gay.
Cartman: I just gotta cover my security expenses. Butters, Clyde, you can come in.
Butters: Hoh.
Clyde: Oh. [Cartman moves a post and the two boys walk out. Cartman places the post back]
Cartman: The rest of you will just have to try another day.
Kids: Aw. [they turn around and walk away. Cartman goes to the ticket booth and opens the window. Butters is waiting]
Cartman: 'K, one park admission? That will be twenty-nine ninety five, sir. [Butters gives him the money and gets back change, his ticket, and a map of the park] Five cents is your change and enjoy your stay at Cartmanland.
Butters: Hoh boy, oh boy! [Clyde purchases his ticket]
Cartman: ...and enjoy your stay at Cartmanland. [Clyde leaves] Ogh, finally, work is over. Now I can get back to riding my rides. [walks in and dances down Main Street] Dada da, I've got my own theme park. Hm, what should I go on now? I know! I'll go on the Haunted Mansion ride again! [enters the ride and makes his way through the line] Da dait daa da Da dat dadadadadadaa da-ah- [finds Clyde and Butters waiting for the ride as well. They turn to see him] What are you doing?
Butters: We're waitin' in line for the-ah spook house.
Cartman: Line? Lines! I HATE LINES!!! Can't you go on something else right now? [Clyde and Butters lean away from Cartman, a bit afraid]
Butters: Well we wanna see the spook house. Uh well, we paid twenty-nine ninety five; we should be able to go in the spook house. [crosses his arms in disappointment]
Clyde: Yeah! But I think it's broke down. The cars aren't moving.
Cartman: Ugh, alright, alright, hang on. [pulls out a walkie-talkie and speaks into it] Security!
Security guard: [arrives talking into his own walkie-talkie] What?
Cartman: Oh, Jesus! Uh, look, the haunted house ride broke down. I need you to fix it.
Security guard: Uh, I'm security, not maintenance.
Cartman: But I don't know how it works.
Security guard: Well your rides are gonna break down every now and then. You need to hire a maintenance person.
Cartman: Ogh, alright, alright! I'll let two more people in each day so I can hire a maintenance person.
Scene Description: Cartmanland, another day. A crowd of people shows up. Among the people are Bebe, Token, Timmy, Kenny, Filmore...
Cartman: [on the bullhorn] Alright folks, we've had another change in policy. I've had to hire a maintenance person, and to pay his salary I have to let in two more people a day. [a shot of the crowd from the front, then one of Cartman] However, the stupid maintenance worker demanded I have food and drinks inside the park, so now I've had to hire a beverage person, and a cotton-candy person, which means I now have to let eight people come in a day! BUT, you are to try your best not to ride any rides that I am on! Understood? [everyone nods] Alright, let's go. [unhinges the velvet rope, and in walk Token, Timmy, Filmore and friend, Kenny, two adults, Bebe, and another boy]
Timmy: Timmay!
Cartman: [eyes the new boy and stops him] Wait a minute! Who are you?
Boy: Mike Gainor. [Cartman sees a bandage on the boy's face and rips it off]
Cartman: HA! Get the hell out of here, Stan!
Stan: Goddamnit Cartman, let me in!
Cartman: I thought you said buying a theme park was stupid! SECURITY!
Stan: It is stupid, Cartman! You made Kyle lose his faith in God, you fat asshole!
Cartman: Get him out of here! [Stan looks up in surprise]
Security guard: Move along, sir. [sprays the pepper gas on Stan]
Stan: AGGH! [The guard escorts him away] This isn't over, Cartman!
Cartman: Eugh. Well, now I can finally get back to my riding my rides! [smiles and walks into the park. Next shot, Cartman in a roller coaster. Next, Cartman on "Plummet from the Summit"] Uh oh! Oh man, I'm so scared! [reaches the top of the ride, then the car goes into free fall] AAAGGGHHH...
Scene Description: Hell's Pass Hospital, day. A nurse works on Kyle's hemorrhoid with pincers
Kyle: Agh! [the nurse moves the pincers one way] Agghh! [then another]
Nurse: Just a little more. [one twist more] There we go. [withdraws the pincers. Gerald and Sheila enter Kyle's room with the Bible]
Gerald: Hello, Kyle. How's the hemorrhoid today?
Kyle: [the nurse leaves] Awesome. [Gerald and Sheila take their seats near Kyle]
Sheila: Kyle, we wanna tell you about the Book of Job. It's a story from the Bible.
Kyle: I've had enough of the Bible. What has it gotten me?
Gerald: Oh, I think you'll see differently after hearing this. Sit down, Kyle. [Kyle gets cross, and Gerald corrects himself] Uh, okay. [begins the story. A Middle Eastern scene appears] You see, Job lived in the east of Jordan, a long long time ago. [camera pans across the landscape and rests behind a man in a red robe and long gray hair] Job was a great man. He was blessed with ten lovely children [they come out of a building with their mother], a wonderful wife, and many friends. [his friends show up to join the family behind Job, a proud and happy man]
Sheila: [a shot of Job petting a bull] He was godly, and a good man, and fed the poor. [Job brings a bag of food to a woman with three kids next to her. One of them, a girl, walks up, and her mother hands her a loaf of bread]
Gerald: He was the most upright and honorable of men, and every day he praised God. [Job falls to his knees in praise, as his shepherds look on]
Sheila: But one day, Satan went up to Heaven and talked to God.
Kyle: [still mad] Satan talked to God?
Sheila: Yes, in the Book of Job, Satan talks to God. And God says to Satan, "Have you seen Job? He is a great man, and he praises me every day."
Gerald: But Satan said, "Oh yeah? He only praises you because you gave him so much. If you didn't give him those things, he would curse your name."
Sheila: To which God said, "Oh yeah? I'll show you, Satan! I'll take those things away from Job and he will still praise my name."
Gerald: And so, God had a bunch of barbarians come in and slaughter Job's oxen and donkeys, and murder all his workers. [that scene is shown]
Sheila: Then God sent his fireballs from the sky and killed his sheep and the rest of his employees. [meteorites rain down and destroy the fields and workers there, as well as the sheep]
Gerald: And then, as Job's sons and daughters were eating, God sent a mighty wind to collapse the house and crush and kill them all. [the palm trees bend low as the winds pick up, then the two-story house collapses as the palm trees are swept away by the winds, and Job's family dies]
Sheila: Job was terribly sad, but he fell to his knees and said, "The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away," and praised God's name. [Job falls to his knees and prays to God.]
Gerald: So then, Job got painful sores all over his body. [shown, with the burning fields behind him]
Sheila: He was in terrible, miserable pain all day, every day. But he still kept his faith. [another shot of Job among the dead, then a close-up of Job with his sores]
Gerald: God said to Satan, "See? I told you. Job still praises me." [all that is heard after that is the sound of the heart monitor attached to Kyle.]
Kyle: [a few seconds later] And that's it? That's the end?
Sheila: Basically.
Kyle: That's the most horrible story I've ever heard. Why would God do such a horrible thing to a good person just to prove a point to Satan?
Gerald: Oh. Uhhh, I don't know.
Kyle: Then I was right. Job has all his children killed, and Michael Bay gets to keep making movies. There isn't a God.
Scene Description: Cartmanland, day. Yet another crowd of people awaits to get in. Cartman greets them
Cartman: [checking off items on a clipboard] ...And, since the stupid security guard needs video surveillance, I have to let in two more people a day to cover those expenses... Need to cover the new ticket guy's salary, so that's three more admissions a day... [the clipboard reads, "Cartmanland Expenses."] Cleanup crew for the bathroom, money to cover paint and upkeep - so that's about four admissions - that brings the grand total to... [under his breath] God-damnit! [picks up the bullhorn and says] Eight hundred and sixteen people can come into the park today! [the crowd hoots and hollers and surges forward, engulfing Cartman. The people rush towards the one open ticket booth]
Clerk: Welcome to Cartmanland.
Scene Description: Hells Pass Hospital, day. The doctor has been in to see Kyle's recovery progress and is now talking to the parents
Sheila: Isn't he getting any better, doctor?
Doctor: I don't understand it. He's not fighting the infected hemorrhoid at all. It's like he... like he's lost all hope. Well if you'll excuse me, I've got more tests to run. [leaves. The TV monitor is seen, with a picture of a financial program]
Announcer: And now back to Money Quest, on HBC.
Host 1: [Camera zooms in on the two hosts] Welcome back to Money Quest. [Kyle looks at the show] In just over two weeks, young financial genius Eric Cartman [his picture appears on the screen behind the hosts] has managed to turn a theme park that was seeing less than a hundred attendees a day into a thriving park with attendance in the thousands.
Host 2: And the way he did it is with the brilliant "You Can't Come" technique. For the first several days, the young businessman saturated the market with the claim that nobody could get into his park. It made the public crazy. So then, weeks later, when he opened the doors, they were lining up around the block. Simply amazing.
Host 1: Well, ahah I think we should point out that this technique is already being applied by businesses all over the country.
Scene Description: At a restaurant where all the tables are empty and everyone is waiting in line...
Waitress: I'm sorry, we're no longer taking reservations. Nobody can eat here. You'll have to leave now.
Scene Description: At the Bijou, where everyone is waiting outside...
Clerk: No, I'm sorry. You can't see this movie. Nobody can see this movie. I can't even go in.
Scene Description: At Gracy's clothing store, a sales associates barks orders...
Associate: [the shoppers rush out of there] Out! Nobody is allowed into Gracy's anymore! Get out of here! [kicks the last shopper out]
Scene Description: Back to Money Quest...
Host 1: Amazing. Eric Cartman is surely the financial genius of our time.
Scene Description: Back to Kyle's room at Hells Pass Hospital...
Kyle: Oh... Oohh-Ohuhughughhh... [passes out. A flatline appears on the heart monitor]
Sheila: [approaches] Kyle? Kyle? [turns to Gerald] Get the doctor!
Scene Description: Cartmanland, day. Every ride has people on it, and every ride Cartman is on shows a dejected Cartman as the others enjoy themselves. At the Carousel he rides his favorite white horse, but shows no joy in riding it. At Java Jam!!! he's in a purple teacup with three other kids, and is not enjoying it. At Bumper Buggies he's in the #7 bumper car
Cartman: [Bumped from ahead by car #9, Clyde] Eh! [Bumped from ahead by car #4, Kevin] Goddamnit, stop running into me! [at the Mine Shaft Ride he sits in the fist car, but is not enjoying it with all those other kids. Kenny is in the last car]
Kenny: [around one bend] (Woohoo!) [around another] (Heeheehee!!) [he's out of his seat flying with the car, and he gets impaled in the face by a water pipe. It goes along for the ride. Outside, at Ride Shots, the shots from the just-completed ride are shown. Kenny is shown on screen 3 with the pipe buried into his face, which is now unrecognizable. On the steamboat ferry circling Adventure Island Cartman covers his ears and looks around angrily]
Cartman: AGH! [he's next in The Yeti log ride with older kids] DAAGGHHHH!!
Scene Description: Cartmanland, Main Street. The crowds bustle about and business is good. Chris the Broker and Mr. Fun are seen walking down Main Street.
Mr. Fun: My God, look at it, Chris! That kid completely turned this place around!
Chris: He sure did!
Mr. Fun: Oh, if I could only have a park that worked like this!
Cartman: [approaches] Hey, there you are! [The two men see him]
Mr. Fun: Oh, hello. Congratulations on your success.
Cartman: Just give me my money back.
Mr. Fun: What?
Cartman: I changed my mind! I don't want your stupid park!
Mr. Fun: ...But it's doing great!
Cartman: You call this great?! I call it hell! Trade me back, goddamnit!
Mr. Fun: [Chris smiles at this turn of events] You bet! I'll go get your money right now. [the men leave]
Boy: [walking along] Daddy, daddy, can we ride the rockets?
Cartman: GODDAMNIT, GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY!!! [scares the hell out of the boy. The father holds on to the boy]
Scene Description: Hell's Pass Hospital, day. The doctor has brought Kyle's vitals back, and Kyle is on oxygen, but he's still unconscious. Gerald and Sheila look on
Gerald: Isn't he responding at all, doctor?
Doctor: [turns around to face them] I'm sorry. Your son appears to be losing the battle. I'm afraid that the hemorrhoid has spread to his lungs. Normally, the body would fight the infection, but he's... he's just... given up on life.
Sheila: But then... are you saying...?
Doctor: There's nothing I can do. Little fella's just... lost his will to live.
Sheila: [walks up to Kyle] Oh Kyle! Kyle, you've got to fight!
Scene Description: Cartmanland... ahem, North Park Funland, day. The old North Park Funland sign is being restored, as are many of the rides Cartman replaced. The ticket booths are missing. A bulldozer sits outside the park ready to clear out anything else that needs removal. Cartman exits with the million dollars he originally paid for the park. The money is back on the Radio Flyer
Cartman: Good riddance, you stupid park! You can all kiss my ass! [three men in suits approach Cartman]
Agent: Excuse me? Eric Cartman?
Cartman: [turns to face them] Yeah?
Agent: I'm Frank Garrett with the IRS. You haven't kept records of your income or payout, and there's a five hundred thousand dollar discrepancy. [to the two other men] Seize the assets. [the men grab the discrepancy]
Cartman: He-hey, that's my money!
Mr. Garrett: There's also the lawsuit of the little boy who died in your park. The family's entitled to the rest of this. [takes the wagon with the other half million]
Cartman: What?! Kenny?! He dies all the time!
Mr. Garrett: You still owe thirteen thousand dollars more than this, Mr. Cartman. We'll see you in court. [the men walk away with the million]
Cartman: Ye-You can't take my money, Goddamnit!
Mr. Garrett: We know how well your park is doing; you'll make it back in no time.
Cartman: No! But I don't... ah... ah... [sees Mr. Fun through a fence and rushes to talk to him] Hey! Hey Mr. Fun, I changed my mind. I need the park to make my money back.
Mr. Fun: Nohoho way, José!
Cartman: But I'm getting sued now. If I don't have the park, I lose everything!
Mr. Fun: "I don't care," said Pierre. "I'm from France." [turns around and disappears into the crowd]
Cartman: This can't be happening! AGGGHH!!
Scene Description: Hell's Pass Hospital, day. Stan bursts into Kyle's room
Stan: Kyle, you gotta see!! [the doctor looks at him. Sheila and Gerald turn around]
Sheila: [sadly] Kyle's not going to make it, Stanley. Oh, Gerald! [weeps into Gerald's chest]
Stan: Doctor, can we wheel Kyle out of here on his bed with the machines attached?
Doctor: Well, I s-supposed it could be rigged, but I-
Stan: Then damnit man, do it!
Scene Description: North Park Funland, day. The ticket booths are back, and business is as strong now as it was when the park was Cartmanland. Off to the side, Cartman is throwing stones at one of the park walls
Cartman: It isn't fair! [throws another stone] You goddamned assholes, it isn't fair! [throws another. Stan arrives with the doctor, the nurse, Kyle, and Kyle's parents]
Stan: Look, Kyle. Look. [smiles]
Kyle: [opens his eyes] Huh?
Cartman: You just build me up to chop me down, didn't you?! What about my dream?! What about my money?! [throws another stone]
Kyle: [more alert] Huh?
Cartman: I'M SO PISSED OFF! [the security guard arrives, ready to spray Cartman]
Security guard: Move along, sir! You are vandalizing private property!
Cartman: Ey! You used to work for me! [the guard sprays Cartman in the face] Ut ut aw! Aw, Goddamnit, you sonofabitch! [coughs and wheezes. Stan grins and Kyle's vital stats get stronger. Kyle sighs]
Stan: Kyle!
Doctor: He's coming back.
Sheila: That's it, baby. That's it.
Cartman: Oho, Goddamnit, this sucks!
Doctor: Wait a minute. Yes! The hemorrhoid is going into remission!
Hemorrhoid: [receding into the colon] Oh, shit!
Stan: Look, Kyle, Cartman is totally miserable. [a shot of Cartman on his knees, sobbing] Even more miserable than he was before because he's had his dream and lost it.
Cartman: It's not fair! It's not fair; I wanna die! I wanna daaahahie! [Kyle looks at Cartman, then up at the sky, then sits up and removes the oxygen mask]
Kyle: You are up there! [smiles]