Scene Description: A ranch, day. A rancher stands next to his cow corral as the South Park Elementary bus drives up. The bus stops and Ms. Choksondik steps off.
Ms. Choksondik: Okay children, step off the bus and form a group next to the nice redneck - I mean, rancher.
Rancher: Hello, boys and girls. My name is Rancher Bob.
Ms. Choksondik: Let's all say hello to Rancher Bob.
Kids: Hi, Rancher Bob.
Rancher Bob: I'm pleased to show you all the wonderful world of beef. Follow me.
Kyle: [to Stan] City kids get to go to museums for field trips. We get cow farms.
Rancher Bob: Now, out here you can see our cattle. This is where the magic begins as the cows eat and sleep and prepare for certain death. [a shot of the cows looking back at the class.]
Cartman: They look so delicious. [Kyle looks at him]
Rancher Bob: [leading the class down a line of cows] Now here we have the slaughterhouse. This is where we turn the cows into steaks and burgers. [a cow moos and a guillotine comes down, chopping its head off.]
Kids: Eewwww!!
Kyle: Aw, dude. [Two workers come and carry the cow's body away, leaving the head behind. Rancher Bob reaches down for a skinned leg and holds it up]
Rancher Bob: Hey, anybody want a free sample?
Cartman: [raises his arm up with glee] Memememee!
Rancher Bob: [now standing next to a darkened doorway] And in here, boys and girls, we have our... [flips on a switch, illuminating the room beyond.] veal ranch. [the class looks at the baby calves in the room. A closeup changes the music from spritely to somber. A shot of the class, with some kids showing some dread. Bob walks over to a calf and kneels by it] You see, with veal the whole key is keepin' the cows chained so they can't walk around or get any exercise. That way, their muscle tissue stays soft, and makes for tender veal.
Stan: Wait a minute. Veal is... little baby cows??
Rancher Bob: Yeppir.
Kyle: Then why the hell do they call it "veal"??
Rancher Bob: Well, if we called it "little baby cow" people might not eat it.
Stan: Yeah, I wouldn't have.
Butters: Huh, me neither.
Cartman: Oh, man, look at that one! [moves towards the calves] It looks delicious.
Kyle: What??
Cartman: Mm, succulent and juicy. [reaches the calf he was eyeing] Can we have a free sample of these, too?
Rancher Bob: Well, no, but all these veals are goin' to the slaughterhouse tomorrow mornin'. They'll be steaks by tomorrow afternoon and then you can buy them at your grocery store.
Cartman: Alriiight!
Stan: Tomorrow morning? [a shot of the calves has Stan, Kyle, and Butters transfixed. The rest of the class leaves] Dude, we gotta help them.
Kyle: Yeah.
Scene Description: Cartman's house, night. A light is on in the living room. Cartman is asleep in his bed. Butters, Stan and Kyle climb up to his window.
Stan: [knocks twice on the wall below the window] Pst, Cartman.
Cartman: [responding to a dream] No, Uncle Jesse, no!
Stan: [knocks twice while saying] Cartman, wake up!
Cartman: [wakes up and sees his friends] What? What the hell are you guys doing??
Kyle: [opening the window] Come on, we've gotta go!
Cartman: Where are we going?
Stan: We're gonna go to save the little baby cows, fatass!
Cartman: What? Why?
Kyle: 'Cause they're gonna get slaughtered tomorrow, butthole!
Cartman: So?
Stan: So we can't let 'em die, douchebag! You're our friend; now come help us!
Cartman: Well, lessee, in the last three point two seconds you've called me "fatass", "butthole", and "douchebag". I really don't feel like you guys's friend. [lies back down and closes his eyes]
Stan: We're sorry, you are our friend. We need you to help us because friends stick together.
Butters: Uh-wait. I thought... yoyou said we needed him because he has the "Mission Impossible Breaking and Entering Playset."
Stan: [heaves softly] Damnit Butters, will you shut up?!
Cartman: [sits up] Oho! So you need me and my Mission Impossible Breaking and Entering Playset!
Stan: [plainly] Yes we do. We're those little baby cows' only hope. Will you help us?
Cartman: Yes. Yes I will. If Kyle will kiss my black ass. [turns his ass to Kyle, lowers his pants and underwear, and waits]
Kyle: What?!
Cartman: Just give it a little kiss and I'll help.
Kyle: Screw you, Cartman!
Cartman: Hokay, but if you want my help you have to give it just a little kiss. [softly] Kiss it.
Stan: Go on, dude it's the only way.
Kyle: No!
Cartman: Kiss it. Come on. [gruffly] Kiss it.
Stan: Just do it really fast, and we can go.
Kyle: Have Butters kiss it.
Cartman: No, it has to be Kyle. [turns away. Kyle resists for a few moments, then slowly moves his face towards Cartman's ass through the window. Kyle finally reaches the ass and Cartman unleashes a juicy fart. Kyle withdraws in fits and starts]
Kyle: Awww! [wipes off his face and then waves away the smell]
Cartman: [laughs uproariously] Oh man, that was soho awesome!
Kyle: Sick! I felt it on my face!
Stan: Okay, very funny Cartman, now come on!
Cartman: Hell, I'm not goin' with you! [lies back down and closes his eyes again]
Kyle: HYAAAAA! [lunges at Cartman and starts hitting him]
Cartman: Heeeey! [rolls off the bed and the wrestling continues]
Scene Description: Rancher Bob's ranch, night. The boys are walking on the roof of the veal ranch. They stop, and Stan opens the playset to put on the costume and harness.
Butters: Oh I don't know about this, fellas. It says right here on the Mission Impossible Breaking and Entering playset: "Not for actual breaking and entering. B-breaking and entering is a cr-riime."
Stan: Yeah, well killing little helpless baby cows should be a crime, too! [holds up parts of a torch] How does this thing work, Cartman?
Cartman: [heaves and takes the torch from Stan] Jesus, don't you guys have any toys? First you put on the black ski mask [hands it to Stan] and use the torch to cut a hole in the roof. [opens the gas valve and lights the gas stream. A blue flame shoots out and the other boys jump back.]
Scene Description: The hole is created, and Stan, now dressed in black and in harness, is lowered into the ranch. He stops just short of the ground.
Stan: [softly into his headset] Okay, that's far enough. I'm going to go delta.
Cartman: [peers down. Butters and Kyle join him] You have to talk louder. I forgot the double-A batteries for the SuperTalk play-action headset.
Stan: [looks up and calls out] I said that's far enough! [the harness drops to the floor. He gets up and unlocks himself out of the harness, and it goes back up. A calf looks back at him innocently. Stan moves up behind the calf, the softly] Don't be scared, little baby cow. We're here to set you loose. [removes the chain] There you go. You're free. Run away! [the calf doesn't move, and Stan gestures] Go! They're gonna murder you.
Cartman: Stan, could you hurry it up? I'm freezing my ass off.
Kyle: You need to freeze some of your ass off.
Cartman: O! At least I have an ass, Jew!
Kyle: What? [below, Stan removes the chains from the remaining calves]
Stan: Come on, you stupid baby cows! [walks towards the door and lifts up the security bar, then opens the door] You have to get out of here. [they just lift their heads and look at the entrance. The other boys join Stan inside the veal ranch]
Butters: Huuh what's the matter?
Stan: They aren't leaving.
Cartman: See? Maybe they want to become sweet juicy veal steaks.
Kyle: Hey. They've never been allowed to walk before. They just don't know how.
Stan: Oh yeah, they're too weak to move. [a shot of the calves again] Well, we've gotta get 'em out of here. We'll just keep them at Butters' house until they can get their strength back.
Butters: No no no no no! I can't bring cows into my house. I'll get grounded.
Stan: Okay, fine Butters! I guess you're not a team player! We'll bring them to my house.
Kyle: Dude! How are we gonna move twenty three calves to your house?
Stan: I don't know.
Cartman: I've got it. We could kill Butters, and then float the calves on a river of blood.
Kyle: Don't be stupid, Cartman! Butters doesn't have that much blood in him!
Butters: Eh yeah I do too!
Stan: [moves towards the calves] We're just gonna have to carry them one by one. [lifts up his first calf] Come on, you guys. [Kyle and Butters look at each other, then move to join Stan]
Cartman: Eh! [follows]
Scene Description: The boys are shown walking down an icy road, each carrying a calf... except... one calf is sliding across the ice, then stops. Cartman appears to follow it, but he approaches it and stands next to it.
Cartman: Check it out, you guys. I'm calf-curling. [pushes the calf further across the ice]
Scene Description: Stan's house, day. The boys and the calves are in Stan's room. Three of the boys are there with the calves.
Cartman: Man, these calves smell like crap! I don't see how you're gonna hide them from your mom much longer.
Stan: We won't have to. Butters said he had something in his house that makes baby cows strong again. He's bringing it over.
Kyle: Butters had that at his house?
Butters: [enters carrying a box] Hey fellas!
Stan: Butters! [Butters turns] Did you bring it?
Butters: I sure did. We'll have those poor baby cows in shape in no time!
Kyle: All right!
Butters: [reads the box] "Susanne Sommers' Calf Exerciser."
Stan: What?
Butters: "Makes your calves stronger in just - two days!"
Kyle: Oh, God-damnit! That's your plan?
Butters: Eh, you think it's a gimmick? Susanne promises right on the box that it works.
Scene Description: Stan's house, front door, moments later. Rancher Bob and Officer Barbrady are at the front door. Barbrady knocks. Sharon opens the door and Rancher Bob tips his hat to her.
Officer Barbrady: Hello, Mrs. Marsh.
Sharon: Officer Barbrady. What can I do for you?
Officer Barbrady: Well, we've got a little problem. Gent here caught your boy and his friends trespassing on his ranch. They stole some of his property.
Sharon: Stole? A-a-are you sure? [Randy and Shelly appear next to her]
Rancher Bob: I followed a calf-curling trail right to your house, ma'am.
Shelly: Ooo, Stan's in trouble. Let me kick his ass, Mom.
Sharon: Not now - my son is not a thief. I'm sure this is just some kind of a misunderstanding. [she leads the others upstairs to Stan's room.] Stanley, did you see-? [she's stunned at what she sees]
Stan: Aw crap!
Sharon: Stanley, what are you doing with those calves?
Stan: [points an accusing finger at Rancher Bob and approaches] That asshole is gonna kill them and feed them to people!
Randy: Stanley, they belong to him.
Stan: They don't belong to anybody! Please Mom, we don't want these calves to die.
Shelly: [smacks her fist] Let me hit him, Mom!
Sharon: Stanley, this isn't up for discussion. The rancher is gonna take his cows back and [points at him] you don't have a choice! [Stan looks dejected, then defiant. He closes his door and locks himself in with Cartman, Butters and Kyle. Sharon then pounds on the door and tries to open it] Stanley! Stanley, you open this door right now or you're gonna get it!
Stan: No!
Randy: Stan, you're behaving like a kid!
Stan: You're the ones who made me eat veal without telling me what it was! You're the ones who knew we were making little baby animals suffer! [walks off to his right]
Sharon: Open this door, now!
Stan: [pushing his dresser into place against the door] Kiss my ass!
Butters: Oh Jeez, he said "ass" to his parents.
Kyle: You're getting in pretty deep, dude. [Stan glares back with a look of determination]
Scene Description: Stan's house, living room. The adults have gone back downstairs.
Sharon: I apologize for this, Mr. Rancher Person.
Rancher Bob: Oh, why, why don't you just tell them that the cows will be safe? And when they come out I can take them back.
Sharon: I can't lie to my son, okay? If I betrayed him like that, I'd pay for it the rest of my life.
Rancher Bob: Well that's just too bad. Look it, that's eight hundred dollars' worth of veal up there and I have to ship it out Friday. [nudges Barbrady on the shoulder] What are you goin' to do, Officer Barbrady?
Officer Barbrady: Me?? How did I get into this mess?
Scene Description: Stan's room. Stan paces the floor.
Kyle: So what happens now?
Stan: I'm gonna lock myself in here with these cows until we have a guarantee of their safety, in writing.
Kyle: We're with you, dude.
Butters: Yeah.
Stan: [serious] Don't be so sure. Because I'm gonna tell you: this is gonna get ugly. Real ugly. When all is said and done you could all be looking at being grounded for three, perhaps even four weeks. So if any of you guys want out, just say the word now.
Cartman: I want out.
Stan: [glares] Shut up, Cartman.
Kyle: We're with you, Stan.
Butters: Hey y-yeah. W-w-we can't let those little baby cows down. Why, they've got no one else to turn to.
Stan: Then it's settled. One for all and all for one! Except Cartman.
Kyle, Butters: Yeah!
Cartman: Yeah! Wait-what?
Scene Description: Stan's house, living room, night. Kyle's parents and Butters' parents have joined the other adults.
Sharon: And so that's the situation. Our boys have locked themselves in Stan's room until we can promise them the calves will live free, in writing.
Sheila: Well, this is ridiculous! I don't know how you raise your kids, but my son does not play negotiator with me!
Sharon: Well excuse me, Sheila, but it wasn't that simple!
Sheila: HA! Give me fifteen seconds with Kyle and I'll have that door open! [the adults leave the living room and go up the stairs, stopping at Stan's door] Kyle?! [pounds on the door] This is your mother! You will open this door right now!
Kyle: [pause] ...No I won't.
Sharon: [gets to retort] Yes, I see what you mean, Sheila. [Sheila looks at her] That was very impressive.
Sheila: [turns back to the door] Kyle, if you don't do as you're told, I'm going to be very angry!
Kyle: Well you made me eat veal and didn't tell me what it was. So go ahead and be angry, you baby calf-killing bitch!
Sharon: [folds her arms] Very persuasive.
Sheila: [starts pounding away furiously at the door] AAAAA! Open this door!! Open this door!!
Stephen: [calms Sheila down and takes over] Whoa-ho-ho, let, let me try. [faces the door] Butters? [slight zoom-in on Butters] Butters, this is your father.
Butters: [to the boys] Oh, sweet Jesus. Uh, what do I do?
Stan: Be strong, Butters. You knew it would come to this.
Stephen: Butters? Answer me!
Butters: [to the boys] But they-ah they're angry at me.
Kyle: Don't panic. I'll tell you what to say. [begins to whisper in Butters' ear] You can tell them...
Stephen: Butters! Right now!
Butters: Dad, uh, why don't you suck my fat one?
Stephen: WHAT?!
Butters: Oh, sweet Jesus.
Stephen: [turns to the other adults] What's gotten into them?
Sharon: Alright, Stanley, this has gone on long enough! Your little game is over!
Stan: This isn't a game, Mom. We're not coming out until we know the calves will be safe.
Sharon: Well that's fine! You boys can just stay in there and starve to death. Us parents are going to go to Pizza Shack and have pepperoni pizzas and ice cream.
Cartman: [weakening] Oh, God-damnit you guys.
Kyle: Cartman, stay away from that door!
Sharon: You'll have to come out sooner or later, boys. The longer you wait, the more trouble you'll be in. [the adults walk away, but Sheila stops and turns back to the door.]
Sheila: [pounds on the door once more] Mmmrragh!!
Stan: [sighs] Round one is over. We made it. [the boys gather in]
Cartman: We didn't make it! Your mother's right, douchebag! What are we gonna do? Stand here until we starve?!
Stan: Our parents would never let us starve. They're bluffing. This is a battle of wills. If we hold out long enough, they'll give in.
Kyle: But we will have to sleep, dude.
Stan: Three of us can sleep while one keeps watch. We'll shift every couple of hours.
Butters: [finding a way to relate] Hehey! This is gonna be just like Vietnam, huh fellas! Whoopie!
Stan: We'll stay in this room with these baby cows for as long as it takes! [one calf takes a dump on the carpet, another walks up and takes a piss on it]
Scene Description: Stan's house, living room, after dinner. The women wait at the sofa while the men try to remove the door with tools. Liane is now present as Sheila crosses her arms and pats her left shoulder with her right hand. Moments later, the men come down the stairs.
Randy: Well we tried everything. We can't get through the door without tearing apart the house.
Sheila: Dear God, it's been over thirteen hours!
Liane: Oh, but my poor little poopsie must be getting so hungry. Maybe we should get them a little food.
Sharon: Ms. Cartman, this is a battle of wills. We need our boys to know that we're not gonna cave in, at all.
Liane: Oh, all right.
Sheila: Let's all just go to bed and let them play their little game for as long as they can.
Scene Description: Stan's room, night. From outside, his room is the only one lit. Inside, Cartman, Kyle and Butters are in his bed while Stan sits at his desk.
Butters: Good night, fellas!
Kyle: Good night.
Butters: [to the calves] Good night, Patches. Good night, Halloway. Good night, Neptune. Good night, Davis. Good night, Bud. Good night, Red. Good night, Paulette. Good night, Chastity.
Cartman: Butters, I'm going to kill you over and over again.
Scene Description: Stan's room, fade to day. Hour 29. The boys are all drowsy and a little disheveled. Stan sits on his bed stroking a calf, Butters sits on the floor, Cartman rests against a calf, Kyle holds his stomach.
Cartman: Can't go on. Need... food...
Kyle: We didn't realize hunger made you feel so bad.
Cartman: There's only one alternative, you guys. We're gonna have to eat a calf.
Stan: No, Cartman, we're not eating a calf!
Cartman: All right. Then we're gonna have to eat Butters. [points]
Kyle: [looks back at Stan] He might be right, dude.
Butters: Aw, heck. [a basket floats up to the window on a pole]
Stan: Wait, what is that? [points to the basket. The other three boys turn. Cartman approaches the window and takes the basket] Dude!
Cartman: Food!
Scene Description: Stan's house, outside. Liane lowers her pole as Sharon and Sheila go outside to see what's going on.
Sharon: Ms. Cartman, what are you doing?
Liane: Oh, I just can't stand to see my baby suffer.
Sheila: Oh dear God, you've ruined everything.
Scene Description: Stan's room, moments later. The boys take shares of food out of the basket. Stan walks away with two apples.
Kyle: All right!
Stan: See? Now we can hold out for weeks!
Cartman: Look you guys! Beef jerky!
Kyle: Yeah! And fried chicken! [Stan sits at a corner with his apples.]
Stan: [sensing a lapse] Wha? [rises and walks to his bed, where the other boys sit eating]
Kyle, Cartman: Mmmmm.
Stan: Dude, what are you guys doing?
Kyle: We're eating, dude.
Stan: You're eating meat! What the hell do you guys think we're doing all this for?!
Kyle: Hey! I'm doing it to save little baby cows. I'm not gonna stop eating meat altogether.
Butters: Me neither.
Cartman: Yeah, if you don't eat meat at all, you become a pussy.
Stan: [returns to his corner] That's fine! You guys can live off of flesh, but I'm never eating meat again!
Cartman: Go ahead, that's more for us. [tempts the calf next to him with some beef jerky] You want some beef jerky, buddy? Yes, who's the buddy? Who's hungry? [the calf starts chewing on it] Who's the hungry man?
Kyle: [looks over] Dude, that's messed up. [Stan looks as well, but goes back to his apples]
Scene Description: Stan's house, night, Hour 34. Police and fire departments and an ambulance are at the house, with a kleig light shining into Stan's room from the fire truck. Inside, Stan sits on the floor still eating his apples, Cartman stands next to the chair, Butters sits on the bed. The sound of breaking news is heard.
Kyle: You guys, check this out! [a TV now sits where the football normally is, and the picture shown is that of Stan's house. The other boys join Kyle in looking at the news report from News 4]
Field reporter: Tom, I'm standing in front of the house where four insane boy terrorists have barricaded themselves inside a room with twenty-three live infant cattle.
Butters: Hey, look. Some other kids are doin' the same thing we are. [Cartman looks at him, then slaps him hard across the face to shut him up] Eugh!
Field reporter: Several attempts to break into the room have proven unsuccessful, Tom, and the crisis is intensifying. Here's what some people have to say.
Thomas: [with wife and son] We were sleeping when suddenly we heard all the commotion. I mean, to think this could happen right here in our own community. [Craig shows his right middle finger to the camera. Next, the boys' parents are shown]
Randy: We gave those kids everything, and they turned into little... John Walkers!
Field reporter: The police chief of South Park says that there will be no negotiations with terrorists.
Butters: Oh no. Eh this is big-time trouble now, fellas.
Stan: No, this is exactly what we wanted.
Kyle: It is?
Stan: Yeah, don't you see? This validates everything that we're doing. If we're making the news, then this is obviously important to people.
Field reporter: Tom, it looks like I have an update: Yes, it looks like the boy terrorist story is not interesting news to anyone. Uh, nothing else was going on, Tom, so this was the only story we had to make seem important, but people are just simply tuning out. So, HBC will now be switching programming once again to "Puppies from Around the World."
Scene Description: The news break switches to a series of dog scenes. First, dalmatians run across a field to the tune of bagpipes, then a small dog looks around to the tune of Chinese music, then a puppy in a basket as a mariachi band is heard, then another dog is shown to African chanting, then another to flute music, then a puppy is shown following a tennis ball, then another dog plays with the camera as more mariachi music is heard.
Stan: [the boys are stunned] ...I don't believe it.
Butters: Ehuh, the Chinese puppy's... my favorite so far.
Scene Description: Stan's house, fade to day. Hour 53. Stan and Butters are sleeping, and Butters, sleeping face down, has his left arm across Stan's chest. Stan stirs and opens his eyes.
Stan: [notices the situation] Butters? Buh-Butters! You have your arm around me! [Butters stirs and turns around]
Butters: [waking up as well] Oh, sorry. I thought you were Mr. Pickles. [voices are heard outside and the boys sit up, then move towards the window]
Voices: We must help the helpless, we must save the unsaved
Kyle: Huh, what the hell is that?
Hippies: If we... fight together we can make sure the road is paved.For a... brighter tomorrow...
Cartman: Hippies!
Stan: What are they doing here?
Hippie: [on bullhorn] We're with you boys! Your message is real and your fight is just. [the other hippes start cheering]
Hippies: Hooray! Hooray!
Kyle: Dude! Those gaywads are on our side?
Butters: Ewww, they're all dirty.
Cartman: What did I tell you, Stan! We save some baby cows from being eaten, and now we're no-good dirty God-damned hippies!
Scene Description: Stan's house, night, Hour 75. Police and fire departments and an ambulance have returned. HBC News is there again with its field reporter.
Field reporter: Tom, the calf terrorist standoff continues as now members of the FBI arrive to put an end to the conflict. [FBI vehicles speed in and FBI agents pour out of the vehicles]
Sharon: [not believing what she sees] Oh Jesus Christ. [slaps her hand to her forehead]
FBI agent: Who's in charge here?
Officer Barbrady: I am. But I don't want to be.
FBI agent: Where's the negotiator?
FBI negotiator: Right here! Glen Dumont, Negotiator Squad.
FBI agent: All right, see what you can do.
Scene Description: Stan's room. Stan is petting a calf. Kyle looks on. Stan coughs and sniffs.
Kyle: Dude, are you okay?
Stan: Aw, I just feel so rundown. I don't know what's wrong with me. I've got these sores. [lifts up his shirt to show the sores to the others]
Butters: What is that?
Kyle: Dude, maybe we should end this.
Stan: No!
Scene Description: Stan's house, outside. The negotiator walks up to the negotiation van, which has all the equipment he needs to handle a negotiation.
Glen Dumont: Give me a hard line to the phone in that house! [a squad member gets on it]
Officer Barbrady: The terrorists already said there's no way they're coming out.
Glen Dumont: [receives the phone] Don't worry, I'm a negotiator. It's my job to talk to freaks like this and bring about a peaceful resolution using clever psychology.
Scene Description: Stan's room. The phone rings and Stan goes to answer it.
Stan: Hello?
Glen Dumont: Hello, my name is Mike. I'm a negotiator. Is it okay if I talk to you?
Stan: Ah, hold on. [turns to the other boys] It's some negotiator named Mike. What do I do?
Kyle: Don't give him anything!
Stan: What do I say??
Cartman: [walks up to Stan and takes over] Dah, give me that! [takes the receiver from Stan] Talk to me Mike.
Glen Dumont: I'm here to make sure we can all end this peacefully. You want that, right?
Cartman: Sure, sure.
Glen Dumont: How about we make a trade, just show that we can trust each other.
Cartman: What do you have in mind?
Glen Dumont: Well, how about you send out one of the calves?
Cartman: Oh, Mike, you're breakin' my balls here, Mike.
Glen Dumont: Just one, that's all we want.
Cartman: All right, how 'bout this? You guys have all the leverage and we have nothing. So how about we give you one calf... -
Stan: Cartman, no!
Kyle: Dude! [Cartman holds out his palm to silence them]
Cartman: [clears his throat] We'll give you one calf, if you give us... some guns and ammunition of our own.
Glen Dumont: What? I, I can't do that.
Cartman: Oh, I'm sorry. I thought we were talkin' here, but I guess you're not talkin' to me. Goodbye.
Glen Dumont: No no wait, oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Yuh, you're right. What reason do you have to trust me? I'm just a guy from Lakewood trying to make ends meet, you know? Just a blue-collar guy like your dad.
Cartman: Don't have a dad, Mike. That's not gonna work.
Glen Dumont: [trumped] Oh. All right, fine, son of a gun, let me see what I can do.
Scene Description: Stan's house, night, Hour 154. The authorities are still there, waiting out the standoff.
Glen Dumont: Okay. Up a little... left a little... [a crane lifts a box of ammunition towards Stan's window. Kyle and Butters wait for it] Almost there.
Randy: [arrives with Sharon] What is that?
Glen Dumont: We're giving the boys some guns in return for a calf.
Randy: What?
Sharon: You're giving my baby guns?
Glen Dumont: [snaps back] Hey, this is a negotiation process, okay? Did you people go to negotiator school? No, you didn't! [walks off in a huff to the negotiation van] Get them on the line for me!
Cartman: [answers the ringing phone] Hello.
Glen Dumont: Alright, you see that? I keep my end of the bargain.
Cartman: All right, we'll keep ours. We'll send out one calf. [in the background, Kyle takes out the guns, tossing them to Butters]
Glen Dumont: Well, ha- how about you send out two calves?
Cartman: Oh, Jesus! You know, there's just no talking to you, is there, Mike?! [Butters assembles a machine gun while Kyle inspects a sword. Stan lies by a corner in a fetal position, on a calf, with more lesions appearing on his face]
Stan: O-ogh...
Cartman: We had a deal! Do you think I'm stupid?! Don't treat me like I'm stupid here! [Butters plays soldier in the background, moving his gun around and then saluting while Kyle practices some lunges]
Glen Dumont: I'm sorry, I'm sorry. [to fellow agents as he holds his hand over the mouthpiece] Damnit, I'm losing them. [to Cartman] Okay, I'm sorry. Just send out one calf.
Cartman: Oh nonono, now you're gonna have to get us something else! [Kyle tosses a dud grenade at Butters, who hits it with a spear. The grenade flies off the bed and onto the floor. Kyle and Butters jump with joy]
Glen Dumont: What do you have in mind?
Scene Description: Stan's house, day. Hour 169. This makes one week and an hour since the standoff began.
Glen Dumont: A little to the left... [this time the crane is lifting a missile] Okay, that's good. A little to the right. [Butters and Kyle wait by the window again]
Sheila: You're giving them a missile??
Glen Dumont: [losing patience] Stand down, ma'am! Stand down! This is a delicate process! I've almost earned their trust!
Scene Description: Stan's room.
Kyle: [dabbing Stan's sores with a moist towel] Stan's getting worse, you guys.
Cartman: Mike, speak.
Glen Dumont: How are we doin'?
Cartman: We got a real sick kid here, Mike. Did you get the other things for us?
Glen Dumont: Weh ah I did manage to get the FDA to officially change the word "veal" to "tortured baby cow." [holds up an FDA document]
Cartman: Good, good.
Glen Dumont: But I couldn't get you North and South Dakota.
Cartman: Oh, Mike, breakin' my balls, Mike.
Glen Dumont: Now, now please can, can we get you to come out? [Cartman looks over at Stan, who looks sicker by the minute]
Scene Description: Outside Stan's house, night.
Glen Dumont: All right, everythng has worked out. The boys have promised to come out and bring the cows out with them.
Adults: Yes! All right! Woohoo!
Officer Barbrady: Whoops, sorry I doubted your abilities, Mr. Negotiator.
FBI agent: They're coming out now?
Glen Dumont: Yes. All we need to do in return is get a cattle-transporting semi-truck that will take the boys and the cattle to Denver International Airport, where we have a fully-gassed airplane waiting to take them all to Mexico.
Sharon: What??
Glen Dumont: And they want the guy that plays Mr. Worf on "Star Trek" to drive the truck. [beat] In full makeup.
Randy: Jesus Christ!
FBI agent: All right, that does it! You are in fact the worst negotiator I've ever seen in action!
Glen Dumont: All right, all right, I'll give you that. But in return, I want three staples.
FBI agent: Get out of here! [Dumont bolts. The agent talks to Barbrady] We'll get them the semi, and we'll get them the Worf guy. If they see that, they'll come out and then, we could take them.
Officer Barbrady: But isn't that dishonest?
FBI agent: Maybe so, but if we don't do something soon, there could be fifty, even sixty people who'll have to go without veal for dinner. Are you prepared to let that happen?
Scene Description: Outside Stan's house, night. Hour 201, just after sunset. The semi-truck Cartman ordered arrives.
FBI agent: All right. Where is Mr. Dorn?
Michael Dorn: [aka Worf, arrives in full makeup] I was woken up at three in the morning, told I had to put on makeup, and come to this town. [folds his arms] What the hell is going on?!
FBI agent: I'm sorry, Mr. Dorn. It's FBI business. We've got terrorists making demands and we need your help.
Michael Dorn: This is highly unusual!
FBI agent: [on the bullhorn] All right boys, we have your truck. And we have an airplane on the tarmac at Denver International.
Cartman: And Worf?
Michael Dorn: My name is Michael Dorn. I play a character called Worf.
Kyle: [rushes to Stan] Stan! It worked!
Stan: [looking very weak and with a few more sores on his body] It... did?
Kyle: They got us a truck, and an airplane, and Mr. Worf! The calves are gonna be okay!
Stan: Pick me up. I... I want to see. [Kyle picks him up]
Scene Description: Outside Stan's house, night. The authorities prepare for the kids' surrender. The front door opens and Cartman looks out. The FBI agents take aim.
Cartman: Step back! Tell those men to step back!
FBI agent: Do it!
FBI Agents: [lowering their weapons and stepping back] Mmrrrr.
Hippies: All right! Woohoo! Yeah!
Cartman: [heads for the street] Aw, shut up, you freakin' hippies! [approaches the semi-truck, where Michael Dorn now sits at the wheel. He gets into the passenger side and sits] Alright, Mr. Worf, start the engine and put her in gear. Oh, and you must refer to me as "Captain."
Michael Dorn: Where am I supposed to drive to?
Cartman: No. See, you must say, "Captain, where am I supposed to drive to?"
Michael Dorn: Captain, where am I supposed to drive to?
Cartman: You're going to back the truck up to the door of the house so we can safely load in the calves.
Michael Dorn: This whole thing is ridiculous!
Cartman: [correcting Dorn] "Captain, this whole thing is ridiculous!"
Michael Dorn: [beat, then in a low voice] Captain, this whole thing is ridiculous. [starts up the engine]
Cartman: [calls out] Okay, all set!
Scene Description: An overhead view of the scene shows a News 4 helicopter covering the story - from the camera of another News 4 helicopter.
Field reporter: Tom, it looks as though the terrorists are now loading the baby cows into the back of a semi. This is still very uninteresting news, Tom.
Scene Description: Ground view, inside the trailer.
Butters: Okay Cartman!
Scene Description: Ground view, on the street.
Cartman: Step on it, Mr. Worf! [the semi peels off]
Boys: All right!
Scene Description: Inside the trailer.
Butters: We're going! [Kyle grins]
Kyle: Mexico here we come! [Dorn honks to clear everyone out of the way.]
Scene Description: In the cab. Police cars follow the semi.
Cartman: Wait a minute. They're following us! Full speed, Mr. Worf!
Michael Dorn: We cannot keep going fast on these icy roads!
Cartman: [correcting gently] "Captain, we cannot keep going fast on these icy roads?"
Michael Dorn: Captain, we cannot keep going fast on these icy roads.
Cartman: Alright, Mr. Worf. Then reduce speed to forty-five and maintain distance from those police cruisers.
Scene Description: Inside the trailer. Stan casts his eyes down at the floor.
Kyle: Stan, we're almost there. You've got to hold on.
Scene Description: On the street. The semi passes by Rancher Bob's ranch.
FBI agent: Alright, they're in front of the cattle ranch. Hit it! [another agent presses a button and a buzzer is heard. A few seconds later balloons fill up under the semi and lift it off the ground. The whole thing comes to a stop]
Cartman: [looks out] Oh, it's a double-cross!!
FBI agent: [approaches with his fellow agents] Alright, boys! The game is over! Get out of the truck with your hands up!
Scene Description: In the trailer.
Kyle: Oh no! No!!
Scene Description: In the cab.
Cartman: What are you waiting for? Go kill them, Worf!
Michael Dorn: I'm NOT killing anybody!
Cartman: Egh! Some God-damned Klingon you are!
Scene Description: Rancher Bob's Cattle Ranch, moments later. The FBI agents take the calves into the veal ranch as the boys stand next to the semi. Michael Dorn is there as well.
Stan: We're sorry, cows. We tried. We tried!
FBI agent: [On the bullhorn] Alright boys, just stay right there until your parents arrive.
Michael Dorn: Can I go now?
Officer Barbrady: Here you go, Mr. Rancher. I got your cattle back for you.
Rancher Bob: Oh. [glances at the stack of veal forming next to him] Well, it doesn't matter now.
Officer Barbrady: What do you mean?
Rancher Bob: In the twenty-four hours since the word "veal" was officially changed to "little tortured baby cow" the market has gone dry. Seems that people see "little tortured baby cow" on their menus, they don't feel like orderin'.
Butters: Really?
Rancher Bob: Yep, damn things ain't worth spit now. I'll let 'em live outside with the other cows and live a normal life.
Kyle: Do you hear that, Stan? It worked! We've shut down the veal industry! [Stan doesn't respond. He's passed out] Stan? Stan?? [Butters appears next to them]
Scene Description: Hell's Pass Hospital, next day. The boys and their families are present at Stan's hospital bed. Stan is half-awake now, hooked up to IVs and all.
Dr. Doctor: He's very lucky you got him here when you did. He was in a very advanced state of vaginitis.
Randy: Vaginitis?
Dr. Doctor: It occurs when a person stops eating meat. Those sores on his skin were actually small vaginas. If we hadn't stopped it in time, Stan would have eventually just become one great big giant pussy.
Kyle: Whoa, dude.
Dr. Doctor: We've got an IV of pure beef blood pumping into Stan's veins and the... sores are fading.
Cartman: Thank God we stopped it in time.
Stan: Well, I guess we learned something today: it's wrong to eat veal because the animals are so horribly mistreated, but if you don't eat meat at all you break out in vaginas.
Butters: Hear hear.
Sheila: All right boys, it's time to go home. You've got some serious grounding time to start.
Stephen: I'll say!
Butters: Aw, we're still grounded?
Kyle: But, but we, we learned things, and took up a cause.
Gerald: Yes Kyle, but you still defied your parents. And you need to learn that terrorism is never the answer.
Stephen: That's right, let's get these terrorists to their rooms. [Sternly] But first, [softens] maybe we can grab some burgers.
The Boys: All right!


Scene Description: Stan's house, night. Stan, Kyle, Cartman and Butters gather some snacks and put them on the coffee table in the Marsh living room.
Stan: [pouring chips into a bowl] This is gonna be so awesome!
Kyle: Do we have everything?
Stan: Chips, pop, cookies, Kleenex, toilet paper, flares - we won't have to leave the TV room for anything!
Cartman: All right!
Kyle: Look, it's almost time.
Scene Description: HBC commercial.
Announcer: Up next on HBC, the Russell Crowe Show!
Scene Description: The sofa. The boys climb on it.
Stan: Alright, here we go.
Scene Description: Russell Crowe Show intro.
Choir: Born in New Zealand in sixty-four [Russell sails on a tugboat called "Tugger"] A hot-headed actor named Russell Crowe [Russell holds an Oscar lovingly] He loves to act but he loves one thing more: [Russell in a scene from "Gladiator"] Fight-in' Round The World [Russell fighting bar patrons at Hap's Bar] He fights his directors and he fights his fans [Russell holds a director up in the air by the lapels, then he fights fans in a pool hall] It's a problem no one understands [Russell fights people in Paris] [spoken by a singer] If there's two things he love it's fighting and, [Russell dances Russian before the Kremlin as a camera man follows him at a distance] Fight-in' Round The World [The cameraman takes a picture and Russell beats him up] Makin' movies, makin' music and [a poster of Russell's new movie, "A beautiful Mind, by television's Opie", then a shot of him recording a song] [slowing to half-time] Fight-ing Round The World! [a shot of Russell fighting off some Japanese] [spoken by a singer as a spinning globe appears behind the show logo] Russell Crowe
Russell Crowe: [dressed as a sailor, standing on a dock] Hello, everybody. I'm Russell Crowe, and this is "Fight-in' Round The World" [puts up his fists and cycles them around]. We're gonna have lots of fun tuhday as we travel all around, and look for some good- [a man walks through his shot and Russell does a double-take, then goes after the man] Ay! What the hell do yuh think you're doin'?! [Russell's cameraman moves the camera to catch up with him] You walked right through my shot, mate! Do you know who I am?!
Man: Oh, excuse me. I was just- [Russell proceeds to beat the crap out of the man]
Russell Crowe: God-damned smartass! Do you think you could [Shelly comes in and takes the remote, changing the channel. She stops at the WD]
Stan: Shelly, we're watching that! Go back!
Shelly: Shut up, turd. I'm watching Buffy.
Stan: [rushes up to her] No! Shelly, we have to watch HBC! [she switches back to HBC]
Scene Description: Russell Crowe Show.
Russell Crowe: Oh! Get up! Get up, you little pussy! [the man crawls along the dock on his belly]
Shelly: The Russell Crowe Show? You turds don't even like that show!
Russell Crowe (off-screen): Oh ya like that do ya?! [punches heard]
Stan: It's not the show we care about. During one of the commercial breaks of tonight's episode, they're gonna show the exclusive never-before-seen trailer to the new Terrance & Phillip movie!
Kyle: It's the biggest night of the year.
Shelly: [switching channels again] That's stupid! See your turdy trailer some other time!
Stan: But all the other kids are gonna watch it and talk about it at school tomorrow.
Shelly: No, turds!
Cartman: Shelly, did I ever tell you how hot I think you are?
Shelly: Shut up, fat turd!!
Cartman: I'm not a fat turd, I'm a stocky turd!
Shelly: We're not watching this! [a shot of Russell Crowe and the man]
Russell Crowe: Come on!
Man: Look, I apologize, but I was just-
Stan: But Shelly, it's the Russell Crowe Show! You always said there's nothing you love more than Russell Crowe.
Shelly: [softly, voice rising] There is one thing I love more than Russell Crowe, and that is seeing you unhappy. So, Buffy it is!
Stan: Shelly, please, let us watch. We'll do anything. Anything!
Shelly: [glances away, then looks at Stan] All right. I just started my period, and I need tampons. If one of you turds go buy them at the store for me, you can watch your stupid turd show with your stupid turd movie commercial in it!
Stan: [glances down, then answers] O-K, deal.
Shelly: And they'd better be here when I come back downstairs, turds! [slaps Stan twice and walks off]
Russell Crowe: Well, that was a lot of fun, wadn't it, kids? But it looks like if we're gonna get in more fights, we're gonna have to go look for 'em.
Kyle: [gathers around Stan with the other boys] Dude, why'd you make that deal? If we're out buying tampons, we'll miss the trailer anyway.
Butters: Ehyeah!
Stan: [somber] Well, only one of us has to go to the store. The others can watch.
Kyle: You'd miss the new trailer?
Stan: Dude, I'm not going.
Cartman: Alright, we'll have to play for it. How about... if your name is Butters, you have to go. Okay, so what's your name? [points to Stan]
Stan: Stan.
Cartman: Stan, okay. What's your name? [points to Kyle]
Kyle: Kyle.
Cartman: Kyle. What's your name? [looks at Butters]
Butters: Butters! Aw, I lose, huh?
Cartman: Aw, yeah, Butters, you lose, sorry, tough break.
Kyle: Well just hurry, Butters. You can probably make it back in time before the first commercial break.
Butters: Oh, Jesus. Ah, I gotta run like the wind. [heads for the door. The other three go back to the sofa]
Russell Crowe: Seems like no one else here wants to fight.
Kyle: Dude, thank God for stupid people ["...We'll have to go somewhere else..."]
Cartman: Amen.
Russell Crowe: ...lets ask our old friend, Tugger. Where should we go fight people next, Tugger?
Tugger: TOOOOOOT
Russell Crowe: Great idea! [runs up to the camera] Tugger thinks we should go to the faaar away country of China. [backs up towards the tug boat] China is one of the oldest civilizations on earth. And from what I understand, they LOVE a good fight! So let's go! [rushes onto the tugboat and sets off.]
Tugger: TOOOT TOOOT [a man and a woman appear]
Man with Mustache: Oh my God! It's Russell Crowe!
Russell Crowe: [taunts back] Oh my God, it's Russell Crowe! Oh my Gmah, bah bah byah byah! [gets out and heads for the man and woman] Why don't you mind your own business, you scrotum?! [punches the man. Cut to a sailing Tugger] Making movies, making songs 'n fight-in' round the world.
Stan: Dude, why is this guy always beating everybody up?
Russell Crowe: [at the wheel] What a glorious day to spend a way, fight-in' round the world. [whistles and spins the boat's wheel]
Cartman: What's wrong with the colors on your TV, Stan? They're all saturated. [takes a hold of the remote]
Stan: They look fine to me. [another shot of Russell sailing away]
Kyle: Just don't mess with it, Cartman.
Cartman: [leaves the sofa] Nah, nah, the cable wire must be loose. [heads for the television]
Kyle: Just just leave it alone.
Cartman: Dude, do you wanna see the Terrance & Phillip trailer with messed-up colors? I don't. How's that? [moves the cable, and the vertical goes out of whack]
Stan: That's worse!
Cartman: Okay, how about ... that? [moves it again, and the cathode ray tube pops. The wall behind the TV is blackened, and Cartman slowly peeks]
Stan: Dude!
Kyle: God-dammit Cartman! You broke it!
Cartman: [panicked] It was just... I just... Butters, you asshole!
Stan: Dude, the commercials could start any time!
Cartman: I don't think we're watchin' them on this TV.
Kyle: God-dammit! Come on, we can go watch it at my house!
Stan: Get all the stuff! [they gather the snacks and head for the front door. Cartman opens the door and Butters arrives]
Butters: Hey fellas. I got the tampons. Uh, I didn't miss it, did I?
Stan: We're going to Kyle's house to watch! Come on! [the three boys exit]
Butters: Oh Jeez. [follows]
Scene Description: The neighborhood. The boys run towards Kyle's house. Stan leads the way, with Kyle and Butters following.
Butters: Oh boy, uh, Oh Jeez, Oh Jeez!
Stan: Hurry! We can't miss the commercials!
Cartman: [gruffly] Bluh! Aah! You guys! Seriously!
Scene Description: Kyle's house, moments later. Ike is watching TV.
A Voice: [a slow drawl] ...but the Palestinian government uh is not going to see any for future- [the front door opens and the boys run in.]
Stan: Huff, huff
Butters: Huh uh hurry! Hurry! Hurry! [Kyle takes the remore and quickly changes channels, and the Russell Crowe show pops up]
Russell Crowe: And so here we are in history-rich Ch-ooina.
Kyle: We made it! It hasn't gone to commercials yet. [the boys sit on the sofa. Ike looks at each of them angrily]
Kyle, Stan, Butters: Phew!
Ike: Hey! Imong telling Dat!
Cartman: [arrives breathless] Huh. Ohmigod! Huh.
Ike: Dadadadat!
Kyle: No Ike! They're playing the trailer to the new Terrance & Phillip movie during the show, and we have to watch it! [Ike drops down and walks away, Cartman sits next to Butters]
Russell Crowe: [hiding behind a potted shrub which he carries before him. He sets it down and look at the camera] This is Tiananmen Square. Lots of good foightin' has gone on here throughout the years, including a fan-tastic massacre that took place back in '93. [he turns back to the shrub and peers through it. The Chinese are pleasantly involved in conversations. Russell turns back to the camera] These chinamen can grow to over five feet tall, and in a fight, are known to kick with their legs. Let's see if we can get in for a closer look. [picks up the shrub and goes further into the crowd, then peers through the shrub. The Chinese notice him] Oi! [he looks back at the camera] I've gotten close enough now that they're startin' to get real froigh'ened. You can see the fine hairs on the back of their necks standin' on end. [turns to the shrub and jumps through it, grabbing a man's ankles] Gotcha mate! [the victimized man speaks first, then another man answers. Russell's head turns to see who's speaking, then he jumps up to challenge the second man] Ah, you wanna fight, huh?! [challenges the first] Think you could take me, you little buggers?! [punches the first man and the man sails to the ground a few feet away, knocked out cold. Blood pours from his nose. The man he lands in front of decides to fight, and soon Russell Crowe is punching men away left and right. A policeman arrives, and Russell knocks him away, too]
Cartman: God, when is this gonna get to the commercials? [Gerald arrives with Ike]
Gerald: Kyle, Ike says you kicked him off the TV.
Kyle: They're goin' to show the new Terrance & Phillip trailer.
Gerald: You know your brother watches MacNeil/Lehrer Report every night at ten!
Ike: Etetheh bunlapala un night.
Kyle: But Dad, this is all the never-before-seen footage.
Gerald: It doesn't matter! Ten to eleven is Ike's time to watch MacNeil/Lehrer.
Kyle: God-dammit. Come on, guys. We gotta go to Butters' house.
Stan: Aww! [the boys gather their snacks and head for the door]
Cartman: Argh!
Butters: Whoa, wait fellas. [the boys stop] We can't go to my house.
Cartman: We can't go to my house either. It's being fumigated.
Stan: AGH! [thinks hard, then] Wait! Chef just got a new plasma screen TV with surround-sound. Let's go to his house! Come on! [they leave. Ike goes back to the sofa and sits, changing the channel]
Lehrer: ...taking place there all these years is sure to continue until the governments of these regions can actually come about some...
Ike: It's a birdy fly.
Scene Description: The neighborhood. The boys run towards Chef's house. Stan, Kyle, and Butters run past, huffing and puffing.
Cartman: [trailing again] Ey! You guys! I'm seriouslih!
Scene Description: Chef's house, moments later. The boys are at his front door, and Stan knocks.
Kyle: God-dammit! If we miss the commercials, I'll never forgive my brother!
Chef: [answers the door in his nightgown] Oh. Hello there, children.
The Boys: [quickly] Hey Chef. [run for his sofa, leaving Chef at the door.]
Chef: Uh, how's it goin'?
Scene Description: Chef's living room. The boys are seated on the sofa, with Stan trying to get the remote control working.
Chef: [arrives] Oh, you wanted to see the new TV, huh? [a new HDTV with side speakers and settop cable box, and a rather large base] Pretty cool, ain't it?
Stan: [impatient] Yeahyeah, how do you change the channels?
Chef: Uh, I don't know. This TV has more features than a space shuttle. [Chef takes the remote and fiddles with it] I can't figure it out at all. [the program pops up immediately]
Russell Crowe: [in India] -bloomin' Taj Mahal.
Cartman: There, you got it, you got it!
Russell Crowe: [punching the natives - hits one] Freakin' Indies [hits a second] really put up a [hits a third] fight!
Stan: We made it!
Cartman: Oh, thank God.
Chef: Russell Crowe?? Children, you shouldn't be watching this show about a man who beats people up because he's insecure.
Cartman: We don't give two craps about Russell Crowe, Chef. We just wanna see the trailer for the new Terrance & Phillip movie, that's supposed to play during the commercials.
Russell Crowe: [still punching Indians as they approach] Alright everyone, we're gonna take our first commercial break. But be sure not to go anywhere, because there's lot's more people to beat up!
Stan: Here they come!
Kyle: Heuh, the commercials! [some commercials air, but they're not important, as little sound is heard]
Announcer: And now back to Russell Crowe, Fightin' Around The World!
The boys: [disappointed] Awww!
Butters: Awww, they didn't play it. They didn't show the Terrance & Phillip trailer.
Stan: I knew it. I knew they wouldn't play it during the first commercial break.
Kyle: Yeah, they want everyone to stick around and watch more of this retarded show.
Russell Crowe: Making movies, making songs 'n fight-in' round the world. [cut to Brooklyn, with the Brooklyn Bridge in the background. A lot of brownstones here. Russell has brought his schrub with him again. He approaches the camera] Oi! Now Tugger's brought me to one of the greatest places for foightin' in North America. [backs up] Brooklyn, New York. Lots of minorities here, and they don't take kindly to whitey. [points to himself] Let's get a closer look. Come on, Tugger! [picks up his shrub and runs. Tugger hops after him, tooting along. They end up looking at a pickup basketball game in the shadow of some skyscrapers. Russell peers through the shrub, then turns to the camera] Looks like we got some black people, and some Puerto Ricans. [a quick peek] Notice the colorful rags on their heads, meaning they could be part of a gang, and therefore, [makes a fist] real used to fightin'. [peers through the shrub]
Black player: Hey, look at that guy over there. Ain't that that Gladiator guy?
Puerto Rican player: Where?
Black player: Behind that plant, next to that tugboat? [Russell peers through, but the shows his face]
Puerto Rican player: Oh yeah, I think it is.
Russell Crowe: [in condescending falsetto] Oh my God, it's the Gladiator guy! [heads for the basketball court and puts up his fists] Oh my God, I've never seen an actor before! [moves around for anyone to fight] Why don't you choke on some pig vomit, you stupid sobs!
Chef: Why can't this guy control his temper?
Russell Crowe: Well?? You all just gonna stand there or are you gonna fight? [knocks down a black player. Another one punches him in the back of the head] Oi! Crikey, you've done it now!
Cartman: This TV is great, Chef.
Chef: Yeah, and it's got all kinds of cool features, too. Check this out. You can watch three channels all at once. I think if you hit this button here- [a menu pops up on a blue screen. He presses more buttons and the default choice changes, but nothing else] No, no wait. You hit this button here [ends up at clock reset function] No, that's not it. Let's see. [presses another button] Menu... [press] Function [screen properties pop up]
Stan: Dude, put it back, Chef. More commercials might come on soon. [looks like Russell is fighting Germans, but the menu windows block the view]
Chef: Let's see. Menu? [screen resolution, manual programming, spectrum density, profiles, audio settings, and so on pop up] Aw, dammit!
Kyle: Get it back to normal, Chef!
Chef: I'm tryin', children! Menu, back, function- [still no success. The blue screen is still there] Enter? No, no. Back? H.E.M?? [selects 'yes']
The TV: [transforms itself into a robot] Human eradication mode, active. [it rises from its base, which becomes its feet. The side speakers re-position themselves as guns, and the cable box becomes the eyes. Chef and the boys are stunned by what they just saw. The TV turns to its right and heads for the front door. It breaks through, goes down the steps, and immediately starts firing at everything in sight.]
Stan: Oh God-dammit!
Kyle: The TV left.
Butters: Uh but the next commercials will be on soon.
Stan: Come on, we gotta go somewhere else! [the four get off the sofa and head out the door. A car screeches to a halt, and the TV fires at the driver, forcing the couple inside to flee]
Scene Description: The neighborhood. The boys run towards the bar. Stan, Kyle, and Butters run past, huffing and puffing.
Butters: Where do we go? Where do we go?
Stan: The bar! They've got a TV at the bar!
Cartman: Aagh! God-dammit!
Scene Description: The bar. The boys burst through the door and head for the counter. The TV turns on to the Russell Crowe show.
Russell Crowe: [back in Brooklyn, amid the bunch of beat-up basketball players] You fight like Norwegians, ya fairies!
The Boys: Phew!
Stan: We made it.
Cartman: [blubbering] This is killing me. The human body was not meant to move quickly like that.
Scene Description: The Russell Crowe show.
Russell Crowe: These are the Florida Keys, a remote island chain just a few miles from... Oi! Wait a minute! Wasn't I just in Brooklyn fightin' minorities? What happened with that?
Tugger: Mooooot.
Russell Crowe: It's that God-damned editor! He cut the Brooklyn scene short! Tugger, I'm gonna get him!
Scene Description: The editing room, moments later.
Editor: Yeah. Oh I'm just working. I'm probably done around seven. [the door flies open and Russell stomps in there]
Russell Crowe: [lifts the editor up by the collar] Who the hell do you think you are?!
Editor: I'm the editor.
Russell Crowe: I know you're the bloomin' editor! I mean, who do you think you are cuttin' one of my foightin' scenes short?!
Editor: Dude, the director said to cut it.
Russell Crowe: Moy foightin' is poetry! You don't edit Russell Crowe's poetry, you testicle! [drops him, pauses, then delivers three blows to the belly]
Jimbo: Well that guy's just plain nuts.
Barkeep: [rushes over] Hey hey hey, whoa, you kids can't be in here. [the kids are dumbstruck]
Kyle: We're not kids. We're full-grown men with dwarfism! How dare you assume that all midgets are children! We demand an apology!
Barkeep: You ain't midgets, your lips are too full. [the boys stay silent] Now GET OUT!!
Stan: But we have to watch the commercials in this show.
Barkeep: Look, this is a bar! We can't have children in here. People come here for debauchery and sin!
Cartman: Butters will give hand jobs in the corner for a dollar.
Butters: Sure! I'm good at all kinds of jobs!
Barkeep: GET OUT!!! [walks over and turns the TV to a baseball game]
The Boys: Aaah!
Stan: [the first to head for the door] Come on, we gotta get to a TV! [the others follow]
Cartman: Oh, you've gotta be kidding me!
Scene Description: Downtown South Park. The TV, now a robot, marches through town blasting holes into buildings. Chef follows behind on a cell phone.
Chef: Yes, is this customer service? I'm havin' problems with my new television. It sprouted legs and guns 'n started walkin' around shootin' people. Uh huh. Okay. Ohhh, so I press "menu," then "function." [presses the buttons. The TV shoots at a man locking up a store, making him spill his groceries and fall on his back. The TV stops]
Townsman: Jesus! [gets up and runs] Waaaah! [the TV moves forward again]
Chef: No, that didn't work. Did I set the internal clock? Uh, no. [listens] Oh, really? Well, how do I do that?
Scene Description: Shady Acres, A Retirement Community. The boys rush in and head for the empty seats in the TV room.
Cartman: Find the remote! Find the remote! Hold it! [once the boys are in place, Stan walks over to the TV and turns it on. "Puppies From Around The World" comes on, and Stan quickly changes the channel to the Russell Crowe show]
Kyle: We're not too late! [the boys grin]
Russell Crowe: Come on, Tugger ol' mate. Why are you lookin' so down?
Tugger: Mooot, mooot.
Russell Crowe: [whispers to the camera] Tugger's in a bit of a sad state. Seems his girlfriend and him had a bit of a row last night.
Tugger: Mooooot.
Old Man: [everyone watches silently, then] ...What is this?
Scene Description: The Russell Crowe show.
Russell Crowe: Come on. Cheer up, Tugger. How can I make you feel better? I know! [grabs a guitar off-screen and prepares to play it.] How would you like me to sing one of the songs off me new album?
Tugger: [shakes its smokestack with each protest] Nooo! Nooooo!
Russell Crowe: What's that, Tugger? You say you really love the songs on my album?
Tugger: Noooooooooo! [shakes its smokestack]
Russell Crowe: Alright then, Tugger. [begins strumming]
Tugger: Noo, no! [shakes its smokestack]
Russell Crowe: You know that you're my baby. You know I need you now.
Tugger: [tries to escape, but can't, as it's tied to the dock] Noooooooooo! [shakes its smokestack]
Russell Crowe: I don't know where I'm goin', I gotta get there some, yeah gotta get there, somehow.
Tugger: [returns and tries to rip itself away towards the right with all its might] Noooooooooo! [turns and tries to pull itself away towards the left, but can't]
Russell Crowe: Gotta get there somehow.
Tugger: [continues to struggle] Noooooooooo! [turns and tries to pull itself away towards the left, but can't]
Russell Crowe: You can stay away tonight, but I'm gonna sleep here, in my explosive clouds...
Tugger: [returns, then takes out its arms for the first time] NOOOOO! [pulls out some giant earmuffs and places them over the cabin doors. It shakes violently as Russell lunges into a faster rhythm]
Russell Crowe: SHOUT! Think I feel your heartbeat, can you feel mine... lady lookin' lovely, gotta take your love inside, gotta take it...
Tugger: [struggles fiercely] NOOOOO! NOOOOO! [throws its earmuffs off, reaches for a pistol and places it against its smokestack. Tugger fires the gun, and it falls into the water with a splash. Russell stops singing once he hears the gunshot..]
Russell Crowe: [spins around] Tugger! [drops to the edge of the dock and looks down at the water. Tugger is on its side leaking oil] Tugger shot himself!
Announcer: [the show logo pops up] Has Russell lost Tugger for good? Find out after these messages.
Scene Description: Shady Acres TV room.
Cartman: Here we go!
Stan: Commercial Break Number Two! [the boys are positively giddy with anticipation]
Announcer: And now back to Russell Crowe, Fightin' Around The World!
Cartman: That's it? That's all the commercials?
Kyle: They didn't play the Terrance & Phillip trailer again!
Stan: I knew it. They're waiting until the very last commercial break.
Kyle: Ugh! We're gonna end up watching this whole retarded Russell Crowe show!
Scene Description: The Russell Crowe show. Russell Crowe is sobbing on a sofa in a hospital hallway.
Russell Crowe: Tugger! Why'd you do it, Tugger?! [a doctor approaches him] Doctor! Tell me how he is, doctor!
Doctor: Well, he's a very sick little tugboat.
Scene Description: Shady Acres TV room.
Old man: What is this? We wanna watch "Puppies From Around The World."
Old woman: Yeah. We don't like this show.
Cartman: Shh. Okay?! Old people need to be quiet right now!
Scene Description: The Russell Crowe show.
Russell Crowe: You gotta save him, Doc! Tugger! 'E's my best friend! The only friend in the world who would-
Doctor: He's going to live, but-
Russell Crowe: [lifts the doctor up by the collar] Oi! Don't you interrupt me, you vag-oina! I was givin' a heart-wrenchin' soliloquy about me feelings for Tugger!
Doctor: Sorry.
Russell Crowe: [lets the doctor down and crosses the hall to the opposite wall] Oh, Tugger! Tugger, the world won't be as bright without ya, mate! Give it to me straight, doctor! Will Tugger live?! Tell me the truth!
Doctor: ...Now?
Russell Crowe: Yes, now's fine.
Doctor: Oh. Uh, your tugboat's going to be okay. He just needs an oil change and a new steamstack.
Russell Crowe: [quickly brightens and approaches the camera] Ooo, de-lolly! D'you hear that, everybody?! Tugger's gonna be okay! D'you know what that makes me feel like doin'? Foightin'! [turns around and punches the doctor out, then punches a man on crutches out, lifts him up again, and punches him out again.]
Scene Description: Shady Acres TV room.
Old man: This show is too violent! Put the puppies back on!
Old folks: Yeah!
Old woman 2: Please.
Cartman: Shut up! Shut the hell up! We're watching this until the next commercial and that's final, old people!
Old man 2: All right, that does it! We know how to get our way! Everyone, on the count of three, release your bowels! One! Two! [everyone farts and the boys are astonished.]
The boys: [bury their noses in their jackets] Awww!
Cartman: Eewww!
Stan: Oh, God, it's horrible! [the boys leave and exit the community]
Scene Description: Shady Acres entrance.
Kyle: That's disgusting, dude!
Cartman: God, I hate old people!
Stan: We have to go to Butters' or Cartman's house! We have nowhere else to go!
Butters: I told you, we can't go to my house!
Cartman: And my house is being fumigated!
Stan: Well, screw it! We'll watch it in your house even if it is being fumigated!
Scene Description: The neighborhood. The boys rush to Cartman's house.
Butters: Oh boy, we gotta hurry, guys! ...Come on! [Cartman struggles to keep up, blubbering all the while]
Scene Description: Cartman's house and garage, under purple and orange tarps. The boys enter a living room filled with fumigation gas, which makes the room look foggy.
Stan: Turn it on! Turn it on!
Scene Description: The Russell Crowe show.
Russell Crowe: Crikey! Ol' Tugger looks healthy, happy, and [does a catcall] fit as a whistle!
Scene Description: Cartman's living room.
Kyle: It's okay, it's still the show.
Scene Description: The Russell Crowe show.
Russell Crowe: But you know, Tugger's attempted suicide made me realize that I should take up a cause. Most great actors take up causes, and I'm the greatest of 'em all! So, from now on I'm gonna spend all my spare time ...fighting cancer. [gets into a fighting stance] Right! Where is that pussy cancer anyway?!
Scene Description: Cartman's living room. the gas is overwhelming them, and they look ready to pass out.
Kyle: Oh, dude, I don't know how long I can take it.
Stan: Me neither. I'll be dead before the commercials. Wait a minute! I forgot there's a black and white television back at my house!
Kyle: Will your sister let us watch it?
Stan: She has to! [leads the boys out of Cartman's house]
Scene Description: The neighborhood. The boys rush back to Stan's house.
Stan: Hurry! The commercials will be on any minute!
Butters: Aw! Oh man! Uh, uh uh uh...
Cartman: [trailing the other three] Oh my god, eugh! Oh God! Oh, Jesus help me! [stops] Oh! I lost a doughnut! [turns around and heads back] Oooh! Oh oh! [stops] Oh my God! [turns around and tries to catch up with the others] Leave no doughnut behind!
Scene Description: Stan's house. The boys reach the front door.
Butters: Oh Jesus! Wait.
Stan: What?
Butters: I never gave Shelly her tampons. She's been this whole time without them. [the boys are scared now. Slowly, Stan reaches up for the knob and turns it. The door flies open and a torrent of blood gushes through the door, flooding the boys back into the street.]
The boys: AAAAAAAaaaaaaaahhhhh. [Kyle shakes the blood off, Stan looks up and then at the front door, Butters sits up. A trail of blood is left from the interior of the house to the street, and Shelly looks out from her window]
Shelly: I told you I needed tampons, tuurrddsss!
Kyle: Look! Crack addicts with a television! [two men and a woman are shown watching a small TV on a box near some buildings. The boys walk up to them and watch the TV as well]
Scene Description: The Russell Crowe show. Russell is in a hospital room with Tugger.
Russell Crowe: Well, we couldn't find cancer, but we found a man with cancer. [he walks off and pulls in an old frail man with cancer, then delivers a blow] Take that, cancer! And that! [punches the old man again]
Tugger: Mooot Mooot! [Russell punches the old man behind the head and sends him to the floor]
Stan: The last commercial break has to be coming any second! [two phaser blasts are seen. One kills the bearded crack addict, another knocks a trash can over. Chef's TV appears and the two remaining addicts and the boys scream]
All: AAAAA! [quickly move away. Chef's TV delivers a double blast to the small TV and destroys it, then moves off to its left.]
Chef: [still following the TV and talking to customer service] ...Yes, I pressed "menu" three times! [listens] No! It's givin' me the same error message! [listens] Yes I read the instruction manual!
Scene Description: Luau's Toys, moments later. The boys run by.
The boys: [stopping] Where do we go?!
Kyle: Oh Jesus! Now where do we go??
Stan: We've tried everywhere! Butters, are you absolutely sure we can't go to your house??
Butters: I'm sure! There's no way!
Kyle: Well why not?!
Butters: Uh because! Uh my parents are out of town, and I don't have a babysitter.
Cartman: [glares at Butters and slowly gets angry] Oh, God-dammit you better be kidding!
Butters: No! I really don't have a babysitter. That's why I'm stayin' at Stan's.
Kyle: This whole time your TV is in a house with nobody in it?!
Stan: Come on, let's just go! We'll kill Butters later! [they run off]
Scene Description: Butters' house, minutes later. The boys burst through the front door.
The boys: AAAAA!!
Cartman: The time has come! Turn it on, turn it on! [Stan is the first to reach the remote control, so he takes it and turn on the TV]
Scene Description: The Russell Crowe show.
Russell Crowe: And so we'll be right back, after these commercials.
Stan: We made it! [grins]
Kyle: The last commercial break is starting!
Announcer: [the show logo appears] Don't go anywhere. Russell Crowe will be right back after a few more commercials. [the grins slowly fade to disappointment]
Cartman: These commercials are all so God-damn stupid!
Stan: Jesus Christ, how long is this commercial break gonna be??
Kyle: What if they don't show the Terrance & Phillip trailer at all? What if we went through all of this for nothing?
Butters: They have to show it! They promised they would!
Cartman: You guys, calm down. This is what TV shows always do. They make the last commercial break the longest.
Kyle: That's bull-crap! TV shows are gay!
Stan: Wait a minute! Look! [points and reads from the TV] "The following preview has..." This is it! This is it!
Scene Description: The Terrance & Phillip trailer.
Announcer: [Terrance & Phillip stand back to back. The camera starts with their legs and pans up] Coming this summer! The greatest Canadian duo of all time is back.
Scene Description: Action music plays as the following words come flying at the viewer from the TV screen: "THIS... SUMMER... TERRANCE... AND... PHILLIP... WILL... BLOW... YOU... AWAY... AND... WORDS... WILL... FLY... AT... YOU.. VERY. FAST" The music stops and Terrance & Phillip appear dressed as cowboys. Terrance farts, Phillip laughs, then "ASSES OF FIRE" appears with flames behind the words, then a large "2" lands next to the E in FIRE. It is set to come out June 21, 2002. It is rated R. It ends, and the boys take time to absorb it all.
Cartman: [tosses his popcorn into the air] Woohoo!!! [the popcrn showers all the boys as they begin to move around happily]
Stan, Kyle, Butters: Yeeeeesss! [begins dancing]
Stan: That looks AWEsome! [Cartman goes to the phone and starting dialing a number]
Kyle: They were wearing cowboy hats! [to Stan] Did you see?? [to Butters] Did you see?? [Butters stops dancing]
Cartman: [on the phone] Clyde, Clyde? Did you see it? [Stan jumps up on the sofa alongside Cartman] Yeah, we- Whoa, we think it's gonna be good, too.
Butters: Oh, I'm so glad we didn't miss it! [picks up some popcorn and toses it up into the air]
Cartman: You guys, Clyde said he taped it and kids can come over now to see.
Stan: Oh, dude, let's go!
Butters: Yeah. [the kids head for the front door]
Kyle: It looks even better than their first movie, huh?
Cartman: Yeah, it sure does!
Stan: I wonder if it's all a western?
Butters: How far away is June?
Scene Description: The Russell Crowe show, sunset. The sun is about to drop over the horizon behind Russell and Tugger.
Russell Crowe: Well, we sure had a good time today, didn't we, kids? We fought some Chinamen, a few peckers, and a lot of Colombians, to name just a few. But I sure am glad we got ol' Wally B. back. Aren't you? [a wallaby hops into view]
Wally B.: I'm glad to be back, Russey! [a woman and girl walk by, but stop and look]
A girl: Oh my God, it's Russell Crowe!
Russell Crowe: [in the condescending falsetto] Oh my God it's Russell Crowe! Oh my bluh blah bluh!! [gets into his fighting stance] Why don't you go flush yourself down a toilet, you cu- [the girl's mother picks her up and hurries away]
Tugger: Mooo-oooo.
Russell Crowe: [puts his hand to his ear and gasps] Uh-oh, Tugger's whistle. You know what that means! [the wallaby hops to the boat as Russell backs away from the camera. He begins to sing as Wally B. turns around...] Tugger's whistle's blowin' Means we must be goin' No more Russell Crowein' for you. [does some boxing moves and then hops into the boat] But now don't you start to whine I'll see ya again next time. 'Cause there's plenty a-more a-fightin' left to do. [Wally B. hops closer, and finally into Russell's arms. Next shot, a departing Tugger, headed for the sunset. Russell appears and sings the signature line, slowing with every word] Makin' movies, makin' songs, an' fightin' round the world. See you next time, everybody! [waves to the camera]
Scene Description: South Park, night. Chef's TV is still walking around, but this time away from town. It's showing the Russell Crowe show. Chef is still trying to shut it down.
Chef: So I'm supposed to press "menu," then "function," then "enter."