Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Cartman sits in PC Prinicpal's office hyperventilating, teary-eyed. PC Principal and Mr. Mackey both look at him.
PC Principal: So these guys made fun of your weight and made you feel ashamed?
Cartman: [voice shaking terribly] Yes, I was just trying to do my job as a food critic and they all ganged up on me and said I was fat.
PC Principal: Alright, why don't you take me back to what happened?
Cartman: I was in the locker room. I was in my underwear and these kids walked by [Craig and Clyde appear around the corner] Then I looked in the mirror and I thought I looked kind of ripped, and so I asked one of the kids [Clyde] if he would take a picture of me [holding two dumbbells, one in each hand] and he did. And I looked at the picture and I looked pretty ripped, so later at home, I put the picture up on my Yelp account and I typed in "Don't I look ripped?" and I thought people would be stoked on me. Then this morning I saw the comments on Twitter and some people called me names and said I wasn't ripped, and they said that I was fat and I didn't have muscles. The Internet made fun of me and [is overcome with emotion and hyperventilates. PC Principal sniffs and clears his throat.]
Mr. Mackey: Well, Eric, maybe you shouldn't have put a picture of you in your underwear up on social media.
PC Principal: [jumps up and faces Mr. Mackey] Hey! You got a fuckin' problem, Mackey!
Mr. Mackey: N-No, PC Principal.
PC Principal: Because body-shaming is fuckin' serious, and I'm not gonna allow that shit in my school! [faces Cartman] Nobody should have to feel that kind of shame!
Scene Description: Whole Foods Market, day. Liane walks out with her groceries, Randy walks around inside marveling at all the stuff. Next, he's in Checkout 5 having his purchases scanned.
Cashier: Okay. sir, looks like your total is $37.83.
Randy: [pulls out his wallet and takes out $40] Alright.
Cashier: [checks the monitor] Okay, and, would you like to add a dollar donation to help hungry kids around the world?
Randy: [real quiet] Oh, uh, no, that, that's okay.
Cashier: Sorry?
Randy: [real quiet] I'm, I'm good.
Cashier: [having trouble hearing him clearly] I'm sorry, you don't want to give the dollar to hungry kids?
Randy: [real quiet] Not today, thank you.
Cashier: Okay, no problem. [punches in the last few numbers into the register.] A window's gonna come up and ask if you're helping the hungry kids, just hit "No, I'm not."
Randy: [real quiet] Oh, come on.
Cashier: Try hitting it again. It's the box below the one that says, "Sure, I'd love to help however I can." [Randy hits the button again... and again a few more times, but it only beeps twice. The cashier looks at it.] Ah, darn thing. Sorry. Most people give the dollar. I can do this manually. [turns to the register and taps a few keys]
Randy: Look, I give money to charity a lot, okay?
Cashier: Oh, sure you do.
Randy: I do. I just don't want to every time I shop for food.
Cashier: That's completely understandable. [reads something] "Have customer speak on the-" Oh-okay. if you can just speak into the voice decoder and say "I'm not giving anything to the hungry kids."
Randy: [leans in and speaks into the "decoder"] I'm not giving anything to the hungry kids. [his voice echoes throughout the store, and everyone takes notice]
Cashier: Okay, that's got it. So with the ice cream, the vodka, pizza pockets, and nothing for hungry kids, that's $37.83. [getting a bit sarcastic] Oh, don't forget your change.
Randy: Look, if I give money every time I went grocery-shopping, I would be-!
Cashier: [cuts him off] Thanks for shopping, sir. Next, please.
Randy: [takes his paper bag full of groceries and leaves] Dick!
Scene Description: PC Principal's office, moments. PC Principal opens the door and Kyle walks in.
PC Principal: Morning, Kyle. Have a seat right there. [Kyle takes the seat next to Cartman and is instantly displeased] You probably heard that Eric here has been dealing with some body shaming? [Cartman is still whimpering]
Kyle: Uh huh.
PC Principal: Well, Eric and I have been talking, and we've decided it's probably best for him to get off of social media.
Kyle: Yeah probably.
PC Principal: So what we're looking for is a student volunteer. Somebody who can put the things Eric wants up on the Internet for him and also filter through all the comments and make it more of a safe space for him.
Kyle: Wait, what?
Cartman: I said you were perfect because you're really good at getting all your schoolwork done on time [gathers his thoughts] so you'd probably do a really good job.
Kyle: You want me to run Cartman's Twitter and Yelp account and only give him the good comments?
PC Principal: That's right.
Kyle: No.
PC Principal: Kyle, you know what body-shaming is, right? How much it can hurt someone's life? All you have to do is check out all the comments, type out just the positive ones, and give that to Eric on paper.
Kyle: If he doesn't like what people say on Twitter, he can get off. [Cartman begins to cry]
PC Principal: Okay, Kyle, well maybe you'd like two weeks' detention instead.
Kyle: [a bit stunned, considers his options] Give me... give me detention.
PC Principal: You sure about that?
Kyle: Yeah, I'll take the detention.
PC Principal: That's two weeks' detention for you, bud! I'll see you at 4! [Kyle looks at Eric, gets up, and leaves. Next, PC Principal is talking to another student] And when we said someone should probably help Eric by filtering out any negative comments, he mentioned you by name.
Wendy: Is this a joke?
Cartman: I'm not a joke!
PC Principal: Nothing funny about this, Testaburger! This is a big problem in our country!
Wendy: I'm not doing it.
PC Principal: And that's two weeks' detention for you! Congratulations! [Wendy looks at Eric, gets up, and leaves. Next, PC Principal is talking to another student] So, any comments that seem inappropriate or hurtful in any way, you need to delete and not include in your daily report to Eric. [Butters is shown next to Cartman now]
Cartman: I wanted someone smart and hard-working!
Butters: Do I gotta?
PC Principal: You want detention?
Butters: Well, if I get detention, uh, I'll get grounded.
PC Principal: Then you start today! Butters, it's your job to make sure Eric has a safe space.
Scene Description: Whole Foods Market, day. Randy is at a salad bar creating his own salad. A female shopper is making one too, and their tongs clash over greens
Female shopper: Oh, ahhh, I'm sorry.
Randy: Oh no, my, my fault.
Female shopper: Isn't it great having a Whole Foods?
Randy: This is where I come for lunch every day. Gotta eat healthy to stay fit. [pleased at this encounter. He turns to leave and sees the cashier from before, who waves back at him. To himself] Aw, shit, it's that guy. [as no one else is waiting, he goes ahead and makes his purchases]
Cashier: Aand how are you today, sir?
Randy: Great. [leans in and in a low voice] Uh, listen, before you ring me up, I just wanna let you know I'm not gonna be giving extra money to charity, so can we, can we just skip that part?
Cashier: Oh, no problem, sir, they've updated the system so it's a lot more streamlined now. Find everything you need today?
Randy: Yeah, thanks.
Cashier: There we go, and that's... Okay, and would you like to give a dollar to hungry kids today?
Randy: [softly] No. I said no, before.
Cashier: Oh that's right. Okay, there's a picture of a little hungry boy. Will you just press on his belly? [Randy does so, and hears "Oww, owww." The cashier checks the readout] Okay, that's got it. So, with the no help for hungry kids that's $18.87. [Randy hands him a $20 bill] Out of 20. [the cashier gives him some change back in the coin return tray] Your change is right there, just pull the sandwich out of the little girl's mouth. [a cardboard cutout of a little girl hides the coin return]
Randy: This is not streamlined!
Cashier: It's just the new change dispenser, sir. [Randy then goes ahead and tries to pull the sandwich away]
Randy: [a couple of grunts later] I can't.
Cashier: Yes, she's a hungry one. You've gotta pull hard.
Randy: Dammit! The sandwich isn't coming out.
Cashier: Try putting your foot on her face. [Randy promptly does this. He also notices the woman he bumped into earlier in Checkout 4 and flashes a smile to her. Finally he pulls the sandwich out of the cutout's mouth and gets his change and his groceries] Have a nice day, sir!
Randy: I was having a nice day! [leaves the store]
Scene Description: South Park Elementary hallway, day. Cartman puts his books into his locker and closes it. As he walks away, Butters appears around the corner and catches up to him.
Butters: [sounding quite tired] Eric, hold up.
Cartman: There you are. You have my social media comments?
Butters: Yeah. Yeah, right here. [hands him the papers] I just finished this morning.
Cartman: [reviews them] Mm-hm. Hm-oh, that's nice. Oh great. This is all the Twitter comments?
Butters: Yeah. And the people commenting on your Yelp page starts here. [points to the first comment on the current page]
Cartman: Okay, nice. Oh ni- oh, very enthusiastic. This is so great! [turns around and walks by Kyle, who's at his locker.] Oh Kyle! You thought me having someone edit my social media would make me look stupid? You should see all the comments I'm getting. People are actually really stoked on me now.
Butters: It's a pretty brutal job sifting through all that darkness.
Scene Description: South Park Elementary gym, later. The whole school is in attendance as PC Principal introduces someone.
PC Principal: Alright everyone, listen up. In order to better understand the negative effects of body-shaming, we have a- [points to someone on the bleachers] HEY, LESLIE! PUT A FUCKIN' SOCK IN IT! [Leslie was whispering to Esther again, and again she backs off slowly] We have a guest speaker today who will challenge our perceptions of physical beauty. [steps towards a screen upon which is a graphic that says "NO MORE FAT SHAMING"] So please welcome action star and hero, Steven Seagal. [claps a few times, then puts the mic into a mic stand and steps aside as music plays. Real life pictures of a slimmer Seagal from his early films pop up as a slide show]
Steven Seagal: [voice-over] You've got a problem with me? I'm your worse nightmare. I have no fear of death, more important, I don't fear life. [gun shot sound effect. The slide show ends and an obese Seagal walks into the gym with a gun drawn. He gets to the mic and begins to whimper, and lowers the gun] I'm a big action movie star and people are pretty stoked on me. And then I put a picture of myself up on the Internet and I had my shirt off and I said "Do you think I'm ripped?" and some people commented saying I didn't look ripped, that I was fat, and they called me Steven Se-boom-boom, so I put another picture on the Internet and I thought people would be stoked on me, but they said that I looked like a fat turd, and they said I wasn't buff. [hyperventilates] Body-shaming isn't cool, and, if p-people shame you on the Inter n-net, you have to make sure that you stay, you stay strong and tell everyone you're proud of how you look, like this. [begins to shuffle dance and clap as "Got To Be Real" starts playing]
Scene Description: The school hallway, later. Steven is headed out and PC Principal catches up to him.
PC Principal: Hey, Seagal! Listen, that was a really amazing talk you gave to the kids.
Steven Seagal: [sniffs] Thank you.
PC Principal: I can see that you're in a lot of pain, bro. I've got someone who I think can help.
Scene Description: PC Principal's office. An exhausted Butters is sitting next to a sobbing Seagal as PC Principal makes his case
PC Principal: So I want you to do for Mr. Seagal the same thing that you're doing for Eric Cartman.
Butters: But, PC Principal, I really don't have time.
PC Principal: This man took the time to come to your school and help spread body-shaming awareness! I think you can give him a little of your time!
Butters: Yes sir...
Scene Description: Whole Foods Market, later. Randy is back to buy more groceries. He's back at Checkout 5 with the same cashier as before
Cashier: Find everything you needed today?
Randy: Yes.
Cashier: Okay, looks like your total comes to $37.98. Would you like to give a dollar to help feed hungry kids?
Randy: Yes, I would like to give a dollar.
Cashier: [surprised] You want to give a dollar?
Randy: Yes, I will.
Cashier: [excited sounding] Oh wow, okay! So that's $10 for the beer, $4.20 in chocolate-covered peanuts, $26 in filet mignons, [sarcastically] and one dollar for hungry kids around the world. On "amount of donation" it will say $10, $20, or $50, can you just press the "$1" box? [Randy does so and bells, sirens, and colored lights go off. The cashier gets on the mic and says] Attention shoppers, somebody just joined the $1 club, giving one whole dollar to help feed hungry children. [quickly goes around the checkout] Here's your T-shirt! [quickly slips it on Randy and takes a picture, then prints the picture. The shirt says "I Gave $1.00 to End Hunger." The cashier pins the picture on the "$1" cork board, which was empty before] Ho, won't the kids be thrilled when they get their piece of that big impressive dollar. [walks back to his register and sings] For he's a jolly good fellow, for he's a holly good fellow, for he's a holly good fellow! He ended world hunger. [Randy takes his groceries and leaves, whimpering]
Scene Description: Butter's house, afternoon, bedroom. Butters is toiling away at his computer.
Butters: Yech. Oh God that's terrible. Jesus.
Demi Lovato: [sitting on Butters' bed] Yeah. No, I'm telling you, Tracy, it's the greatest thing ever. I'm getting all my Twitter and Instagram comments on paper, and the nasty mean stuff, all gets edited out.
Butters: Whoa my God. Wugh.
Demi Lovato: Yeah. And the coolest thing? Ever since I started using this service, all of my followers are actually way more stoked on me. So cool, right?
Cartman: Butters!
Butters: [startled] Yeah!
Cartman: [at the bedroom door] What the hell is this? The last report you gave me has a comment that says "This picture of you burned my eyes, fatso!"
Butters: Well, I'm sorry, Eric. I, I guess it slipped through the cracks. I'm overloaded with all the new people.
Cartman: What new people? [walks up to the computer]
Butters: Well, I've got Demi Lovato [points to her] to take care of now, and Lena Dunham just put a picture of her asshole on Twitter, and wants only the positive comments.
Cartman: Dude, fuck Demi Lovato! She's fuckin' hot, she's not being fat-shamed!
Demi Lovato: [stands up] Am so! But I don't care. People just have to accept my body the way it is.
Cartman: Butters, I want this fixed by tonight! You got that?!
Butters: Okay, Eric. [Cartman walks away]
Scene Description: A commercial. "Amazing Grace" plays with a female voice. A poor community is shown. Randy walks among the poor folk
Randy: This is a place where hope is scarce. These people are hungry. Little Jojo here might not eat today. But does that mean it's okay for cashiers to ask us for money while we're in the checkout line? It isn't right, and it isn't fair. Just $2 a day adds up to 62 goddamned dollars a month if you go to Whole Foods as much as I do. Nobody should have to feel the shame, the humiliation, of being asked to add money onto their grocery bill. Help now. Let's make grocery stores a #SAFESPACE for all. Together, we can make a difference.
Girl: Because charity-shaming hurts everyone. [Randy holds her a bit closer]
Scene Description: PC Principal's office, day. He and Mr. Mackey are talking to someone
PC Principal: You know, if there's one thing I really respect, it's plus-sized models who challenge the idea of what makes a woman beautiful. These ladies are gonna be part of a big ad campaign for plus-sized lingerie, and we wanna make sure they're protected from any harassing comments.
Butters: [Butters is seated across from PC Principal with an entire row of plus-sized women in lingerie] Do I have to, sir?
PC Principal: Hey, they're gonna putting themselves out there, and all I'm asking you to do is go through their social media and delete the two or three comments that are mean.
Butters: PC Principal, ah, I don't think you quite realize how much negative stuff I have to sift through.
PC Principal: I know it's a lot, but I just really need you to help these plus-sized models. And Vin Diesel.
Butters: Vin Diesel too??
PC Principal: Look bro! You've done an amazing job with Eric Cartman. You have really turned his life around, and other people deserve... to be as happy as he is.
Scene Description: South Park Elementary hallway. A piano begins to play a song, and Cartman sings first. Soon, an abstract space appears in which are tiny rooms - a safe space - one for each person singing
Cartman: Everyone likes me and thinks I'm great in my safe spaaaace.
Seagal: My safe spaaaace.
Cartman: [eating in a restaurant, Butters hands him more comments] People don't judge me and haters don't hate in my safe spaaaace. [An exhausted Butters is hard at work in his room]
PC Principal: Your safe spaaaace.
Cartman and Seagal: [standing in a floating tiny room] Bully-proof windows, troll-safe doors, nothing but kindness and healing.
Randy: You might call me a pussy, but I won't hear you in my safe spaaaace.
Seagal: My safe spaaaace.
Cartman: Bully-proof windows.
Demi Lovato: [standing under a spotlight] If you do not like me, you are not allowed in my safe spaaaace.
Plus-sized models: My safe spaaaace
PC Principal: [inside the pricipal's office with Butters, he then hands Vin Disel more comments] Look and you will see there's a very select crowd in your safe spaaaace. [Steven Seagal is resting on a bed in his safe space]
All: My safe spaaaace.
Cartman: People that support me.
All: Mixed in with
Cartman: More people that support me.
All: And say nice things. Rainbows all around me, there is no shame in my safe spaaaace.
Randy: My safe spaaaace.
Cartman: Bully-proof windows. [a change in tempo as villianous music plays and a masked villain enters the video.]
Reality: I am going to tear down your safe space! Brick by brick, I shall smash it with glee!
Cartman: What? Who is that?
Reality: You cannot stop me from getting inside! I am cold and I am hard, and my name... is Reality.
Demi Lovato: Oh no, not reality! Somebody stop him!
Cartman: I'll take care of him, Demi! [shoots lightning from his hands, and the various people in their safe spaces are now dressed to dance!]
All: [faster rock music begins playing] You can't ruin our lives, Reality!
Cartman: Our safe spaces will keep you out!
Reality: Drat!
All: We can face almost anything!
Cartman: But Reality we can do without!
Reality: Nooooo... [vanishes, as the original piano music resumes]
Cartman: Bully-proof windows.
All: Troll-safe doors. [slowing down] My Safe Spaaaaaaaace! [all stop]
Cartman: That was nice.
Scene Description: Whole Foods Market, day. The cashier at Checkout 5 sends one shopper off
Cashier: All right, thanks, have a great day. [Randy steps up] Good afternoon sir.
Randy: [self-assured] Oh, hello. You might know Steven Seagal [who steps up, with his gun aimed at the cashier]
Steven Seagal: You wanna play with me?
Randy: And this is Vin Diesel.
Cashier: Oh, hello gentlemen.
Randy: It'd be... a really bad idea for you to charity-shame me today. These guys are here to protect my safe space.
Cashier: That's great. [hums to himself as he scans Randy's items] This little piggy went to market. This little piggy stayed home. This little piggy was in Fast And The Furious, [Vin Diesel begins to whimper and walks away] and this little piggy goes direct to cable.[Steven Seagal begins to whimper and walks away] [jabs Randy in the belly] And this little piggy just bought fifty-three dollars in beer and frozen pizzas. Would you like to make a dollar donation to hungry kids today?
Scene Description: A second commercial. We're back in the poor community. "Amazing Grace" plays with a deep male voice, and Demi Lovato walks in
Demi Lovato: Look around you. What do you see? People who are slim. Skinny. But not everyone can have nice bodies like them. Just imagine it. Putting your pictures up on Twitter just to have some people write comments about your weight. It happens, all too often.
Randy: [taking over] But it doesn't stop there. People also can be shamed for other traits viewed as negative. Mike here was shamed for not being a good recycler.
Demi Lovato: And so together, we have created #shamelessAmerica, [a screen pops up with "let's work towards a #shamelessAmerica."] so no one is ever labeled...
Fat woman: Tubby.
Man with cap: Bad with tools.
Woman 2: Dyke!
Man 2: Butter butter dirty line cutter.
Randy: Let's work together to create a completely shameless America.
Boy: [emaciated] Because shaming hurts everyone. [Randy holds him a bit closer]
Scene Description: Butters' room, night. He's editing out negative comments on Demi Lovato's social media pages before printing them
Butters: [reading through online messages] "Hey Demi Lovato, I bet your vagina has a-" [begins to gag] oh. Oh God. Oh, that's horrible [picks up a waste basket and vomits into it] Augh. [coughs] Jeez. Delete. Delete that too. [continues reading comments aloud] "I'd like to stick my wiener into those fat rolls of-" [villianous piano music begins to play] Oh God! [Reality sneaks into his room and paces behind Butter's chair] Uh, delete! "You aren't fat, but my dick is-" Whoa, God.
Reality: HaHAA!
Butters: GAAAHHH!
Reality: So you're the one trying to destroy me, eh??
Butters: What? [falls out of his chair. Reality tries to grab him, but misses. Butters runs to a night stand]
Reality: You little shit! Keep me out, will you?
Butters: I don't know you, sir!
Reality: You can't stop me! [tries to grab Butters again, but breaks the lamp on the night stand] I'm going to kill you! [jumps up to fall on him. At that moment, the bedroom door opens]
Stephen: Butters! What are you doing?!
Butters: [panicked] Well-ll, the man! Uh, the man is gonna get me! [Butters points to where Reality was standing only for the shot to widen showing he is no longer there]
Scene Description: Whole Foods Market, day. The cashier is ringing Randy up.
Cashier: And some chocolate-covered almonds. Vanderpump Sangria mix.
Randy: Yeah, um, I'm a little tired because I'm actually hosting a huge fundraiser for my charity organization [shows off his shirt: "#ShamelessAmerica"] that I'm sort of the head of.
Cashier: That's great, sir. Ice cream sandwiches.
Randy: Yeah, we're gonna raise a lot of money. Celebrities are coming. Demi Lovato is givin' a hundred thousand for the event.
Cashier: Wonderful. Rotisserie chicken. Oh yep, gotta have that Frank's hot sauce.
Randy: I just thought, you know, a fundraiser dinner was sort of the appropriate place to ask for donations.
Cashier: That's great, sir. Okay, your total is $37.85, and would you like to give a dollar to help put a hamster through college?
Randy: [stunned] ...What? Did you not hear anything I said? I'm - I'm doin' all this stuff.
Cashier: Not a problem, sir. [takes out a hamster from behind the counter] If you could just press the N0 button and tell the little hamster he's not going to college. Just look him right in the eye, sir, and say "Not today, buddy."
Randy: Actually, my big fundraising gala is helping put hamsters through college too.
Cashier: [Excited] Oh, really? Wow. Did you hear that, Banjo? You've got support. [puts the hamster back behind the counter] Well, you have a nice day sir. [hands Randy his receipt] And thank so much for being so generous.
Randy: You're welcome. [takes his groceries, but has no bag to put them in. He doesn't mind]
Scene Description: South Park Elementary hallway. Stan, Kyle, Davíd and Kenny walk along when Cartman interrupts them.
Cartman: Hey, Kyle. You wanna see what people said about my dick pic? Everyone's pretty stoked on it.
Kyle: There's more than two people on the Internet.
Butters: The man! The man the man the man the man! [runs around the corner completely naked] The man he's gonna get me! He shadows me everywhere! [stops another student and gets in his face] Do you see the man?!
Kyle: [turns him around] Butters, what are you doing?! [the other student leaves]
Butters: Well, he's gonna get me!
Kyle: Dude, Butters, you're seeing things! Sifting through all the horrible stuff people say on the Internet is making you lose it!
Butters: [breaks free and runs off] The world is darkness! The man is coming!
Stan: Dude, Butters! [he and Kyle give chase. Butters goes up a flight of stairs]
Butters: Aaaaa! Aaaaa!
Scene Description: Kindergarten, day. The teacher quizzes the kids on a story
Teacher: And what color is the little ball the kittens are playing with?
Butters: [runs into the classroom] Run for your lives, you little fuckers, the man is coming! [the kids scream as Kyle enters the room. Stan, Davíd and Kenny follow him in]
Kyle: Butters, listen to my voice.
Butters: The man is gonna get me if I don't stop!
Kyle: Then stop, dude! Butters, all this isn't worth it. Just. Take, the detention, dude.
Butters: [thinks a moment and jumps through a glass window on the second floor] YEEAAAAAGGHH! [hits the snow hard]
Scene Description: South Park Community Center, Night, Shameless America Charity Event. Guests arrive in limousines. Gerald steps out of one and goes inside. Randy is hosting. Fanfare plays
Randy: Alright everyone, thanks for coming to help raise money to stop shaming, and put hamsters through college.
Guest: What'd he say?
Randy: And now, a woman who knows about shaming firsthand, supermodel Gigi Hadid.
Gigi: Alright, everyone enjoying themselves? How's that filet mignon? [approving comments all around] You know, we're all here for a really important reason. Because everyone should-
Stephen: Randy, Randy, we've got a problem.
Randy: What?
Stephen: Reality's here. He's trying to crash the party.
Randy: Reality? Who let him in? Shit! [leaves to face him]
Reality: [making a nuisance of himself at a table, spills a glass of wine] Woo, nice wine, huh? What do you think of that? [tips another glass over] You know what I think of your pretty flowers? [grabs the centerpiece bouquet and throws it to the ground, then dumps a guest's dinner on his lap] There you go. How do you like that? [Randy and Stephen arrive]
Randy: Alright buddy, let's go.
Reality: I shit on all of you!
Randy: Seagal?! [Steven Seagal approaches with gun drawn and aimed at Reality]
Reality: [to Seagal, Randy, and three guests] Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you! [jumps over the table and rushes the stage, then grabs the mic from Gigi Hadid] Give me that, you stupid bitch! [she walks off] What a lovely charity event. I suppose you're all feeling pretty good about yourselves, hm? What have you done? You've raised $300 by spending half a million on filet mignon and crystal glasses. [crowd is silenced and ashamed at themselves] Look at you, Vin Dipshit. You think fat-shaming is wrong, so in response you show off your abs. You're the one fat-shaming, idiot! What's the matter with you people?! You're saaad that people are meeean? Well I'm sorry, the world isn't one big liberal arts college campus! We eat too much; we take our spoiled lives for granted, feel a little bad about it sometimes! No, you wanna put up all your shit on the Internet and have every single person say "Hooray for you!" Fuck you. You're all pricks. And I've got news for you! While you've all been sitting here trying to feel good, the little boy who sucked all your shit is about to die from it!
Seagal: What?
Scene Description: Hell's Pass hospital, later. Butters is in a recovery room with tubes going into him and wires attached to him. Steven Seagal and Vin Diesel are there with the plus-sized models, Demi Lovato, Gigi Hadid, PC Principal, Stephen, and others
Demi Lovato: Oh my God. What have we done?
Seagal: Jesus, I d-I didn't even think.
PC Principal: I guess... I asked too much of one kid.
Randy: Listen, everybody. [the group splits in two so the camera can see him] I think there's a way to try and make this right for everyone.
Scene Description: A third commercial. We're back in the poor community. "Amazing Grace" plays with an organ, and a choir joins in later
Randy: To date, Shameless America has raised over $40,000. With that money, we are putting more and more iPads into these people's hands. [all the kids look at the iPads, not sure what to do with them] With iPads, these people can finally help more Americans get rid of negativity on their social media. [Jojo returns with an iPad, handing it to Randy] Oh, thanks Jojo. I'm shame-free now, and you can be too. For just $1 a day, one of these beautiful children will protect you from trolls and make your Internet a safe space. [a screen pops up with "We won't rest until America is #completelyshameless"] We won't rest until America is completely shameless. The world can be brutal, but Shameless America is going to continue to take steps to make sure everyone has a safe space... forever.
Scene Description: South Park Town Square, day. The stage is set for a hanging. Reality has a noose around his neck, and Butters is set to be the executioner. Butters is out of the hospital with a head brace and a crutch
Butters: Are you sure this is a good idea?
Randy: Uh huh. [Butters pulls the lever and the trap door opens underneath Reality, making him drop and hang. After some choking, Reality dies and the crowd erupts in cheers]


Scene Description: South Park Elementary Gym, day. PC Principal is once again addressing the students in the gym.
PC Principal: Alright, everyone, listen up. [Wendy reads through some cue cards at the podium. Behind her is a projection screen showing the text, "Celebrate our Asian-American STUDENTS!"] Today we're going to be showing you some art from our Asian-American students-DAMMIT, LESLIE, SHUT YOUR FUCKING PIE-HOLE! [Leslie is shown, but she's confused, as she's not talking to anyone.] from our Asian-American students presented by our student-body president, Wendy Testaburger.
Wendy: Hey, guys. As you know, we have several new students here at South Park Elementary. We have been getting to know some of the Asian girls who have introduced us to an art style called "yaoi." [On the projection screen, the text reads "YAOI" and below it, in Japanese text, "BOIZU RABU" (Boys Love), with a pink platycodon in the background. Oriental music begins to play as Wendy cycles through yaoi images on the screen.] Yaoi is a blend of emotion and beauty involving two people whose love is looked down upon. The art tries to show that all love is magical, like in Lisa Akimoto's piece, "Tweek and Craig - Forbidden Love." [Tweek and Craig in a French kiss.]
Girls: Awwww.
Tweek: What?
Wendy: Kelly Zhou goes a bit more whimsical with "Craig and Tweek: Moonlight Dance." [Tweek wears a pink bow in his hair and is wrapped in a pink ribbon while Craig stands behind him looking down at his face.]
Girls: Awwww.
Craig: Dude, what the fuck?
Wendy: In yaoi art, the seme, or "top", is usually dominating the uke, or "bottom", as demonstrated in Heather Nishimura's "Boizu Rabu." [Craig reaching down into Tweek's briefs as Tweek reaches up to stroke Craig's head]
Girls: Awwww. [Stan and Kyle look at each other]
Wendy: But yaoi can branch out to other things as well...
Cartman: Uh oh.
Wendy: ...as we see here in "Lily, Frog, Tweek and Craig." [Tweek is on his back with only an unbutton shirt and looking away, while Craig is on top of him pinning him down and looking into his eyes. Above them is a lily flower and frog.]
Scene Description: The hallway, after the assembly. Shown are David, Token, Stan, Butters, still in his head brace, Kyle, Kenny, and Jimmy, standing in a semi-circle.
Stan: I just don't get it. I mean, Tweek and Craig aren't gay. Right?
Kyle: [questioning, seeking confirmation] No. We would know.
Butters: Well, but then why would Asian girls draw them like that?
Jimmy: Yeah, what is this yaoi thing all about? I am so c-c-c-confused.
Stan: And if it can happen to Tweek and Craig... could it happen to any of us?
Scene Description: The school lobby. Eight Asian girls sit on the steps drawing. Craig sees them and approaches them
Craig: Uhh, excuse me, why are you doing this?? [holds up a picture of himself pushing Tweek on a swing, and Tweek enjoying it]
Girl 1: "Oh, hi, Craig. 오늘 다른 셔츠 입었네. (He's wearing a different shirt today.) [looks at the girl on her right and addresses her]
Girl 2: 잠바 밑에 어떻게 알아? (How do you know what's underneath his jacket?)
Craig: What? Well what did she say?
Girl 3: I don't know, that was Korean. I'm Japanese.
Tweek: [Over caffeinated] What is going on, huh? Huh? Me and him aren't together. Why is this happening?!
Girl 1: [girl 1 addresses the girl to her left] 지금 크렉이 같이 있어줘야 하는데". [(Craig should be along with Tweek.)]
Tweek: Everyone thinks I'm gay! What if my parents find out! Huh!
Scene Description: PC Principal's Office. Craig and Tweek are seated across from PC Principal and Mr. Mackey
PC Principal: Alright, guys, I know there have been a lot of rumors flyin' around. Just wanted to check in, see if you have any questions for me.
Craig: Why are the Asian girls drawing pictures of us being gay?
PC Principal: What's wrong with being gay? Nothin' wrong with that.
Craig: But we aren't! I'm not!
Tweek: I'm not either!
PC Principal: That is completely irrelevant! Okay? What matters, and the reason I brought you in here, is that you understand affirmative consent.
Tweek: What's that?
PC Principal: IF there is a romantic relationship here, you have to make sure your partner is comfortable with any sexual exploration.
Tweek: Gah!
PC Principal: Now in a gay relationship it gets a little trickier, but you still have to follow some guidelines, alright?
Craig: But I'm not gay!
PC Principal: I don't care about that, bro! Tweek, if, and I'm only saying if, at some point you wanted to touch Craig's penis, you can't just go grabbin' for it. Alright? You need to say something like "Craig, is it alright with you if I touch your penis?" Okay? Let's try it out.
Tweek: NO!
PC Principal: You want two weeks' detention instead?! This shit's important!
Tweek: Craig, can I touch your penis?
PC Principal: Okay, good. Now, Craig, you might say "You may touch my penis. I'm comfortable with that.". [Craig isn't happy with that line and waits for more] Or of course you could say "No, you may not touch my penis at this time.".
Craig: No, you may not!
PC Principal: Okay. Now we're getting somewhere. Now, Craig, what would you say if you wanted to take a gander at Tweek's asshole?
Scene Description: The Marsh house. Randy looks inside the fridge for something to drink. He gets a bottle of gluten-free PBR. Sharon walks up to him
Sharon: Randy, you should have a talk with Stan.
Randy: For what?
Sharon: I guess something happened at school today involving two of Stan's friends,.. being gay?
Randy: What?
Sharon: Yeah. Stan seems really perplexed.
Randy: Wow. Our town has only had a Whole Foods for three weeks and we already have our first gay kids. So cool. [smiles to himself]
Sharon: Go talk to him, Randy, and be delicate.
Scene Description: Stan's room, afternoon. Randy knocks on the open door softly, then walks in.
Randy: Hey, bud. How's it hangin'? [sits on the bed next to Stan]
Stan: I'm confused, Dad. There was this thing at school.
Randy: Well, guess what? You've got a really progressive PC dad who knows all about this stuff, okay? Go ahead, ask me anything.
Stan: I just don't understand how it's decided.
Randy: Ah, well, you see, it's a combination of genetic, hormonal, and environmental influences.
Stan: No, I mean, like, what makes the Asians decide who they're gonna make gay?
Randy: [confused] The Asians? The Asians decide who's going to be gay? [feigns knowing, playing it off] Uh are y-, yeah, yeah they do. Uh, the Asians just, you know, the Asians pick who they pick, and um, it's al- it's, the way it's always been.
Stan: So you've heard of yaoi?
Randy: [embarrassed, playing it off] Yeah, of course. Yaoi, anal intercourse, Maui Zaui, I, I know all this stuff, Stan.
Scene Description: Shi Tpa Town, day, Whole Foods. Gerald and Sheila run into Thomas in the store.
Gerald: Oh, hey, Thomas! Hey, we heard about Craig. We think it's just terrific.
Thomas: [turns around] What about Craig? [Stephen comes up behind him]
Stephen: Thomas! I'm so glad that Craig is finally happy. [aloud to the other shoppers] Hey, it's Craig's dad, everybody. [shoppers around the store clap]
Scene Description: The Tweek house. Tweek and his parents are having dinner. Tweek is twitching quite a bit and Richard notices
Richard: Tweek's out of coffee, honey.
Mrs. Tweek: Oh, here you go, kiddo. [fills Tweek's cup]
Richard: Tweek, is there anything you want to talk to us about?
Tweek: No.
Richard: [slowly] Well, we heard that you're gay. And I want you to know we've never been so proud of you.
Tweek: Oh God. [lets his head hit the table, smashing into all of his food]
Richard: We thought you were just a spaz, but to know that you've got so much going on inside.
Mom: We're so proud of you, Tweek.
Tweek: AAaaagh!
Richard: Knowing what I know now, I'm gonna be a much better dad to you. In fact, I just, I just want to give you some money, Tweek. [pulls out his wallet and then some bills] Can I give you some money? [Tweek looks up with mashed potatoes covering parts of his face] Here, I I love you so much, son. [hands Tweek the bills]
Scene Description: "The Book of Love" begins to play, and here's the montage: Tweek stares at the ceiling while in bed. So does Craig. Neither of them can sleep. Nor can Stan, and he rolls from one side to the other. Next day, one of the Asian girls is drawing. Next night, Thomas can't sleep. Following day Craig walks along and sees Tweek, who is looking at a wall. They look at each other, then at the wall, which turns out to be on one side of the school. On the wall is a large mural of Craig and Tweek in embrace. They turn around, then walk their separate ways. Next is an outdoor art fair at the Whole Foods parking lot with art from the Asian girls at school. All of it is of Craig and Tweek in various poses. The Broflovski's and Marshes are enjoying it. The Stotch's buy a print. Mayor McDaniel's leafs through a bunch of Tweek x Craig pictures she has in a folder, then she looks at a picture of a man with a mustache. She smiles at it. Next is more fan art of Craig and Tweek, and finally we get to Cartman in bed
Cartman: [thinking] Dude, Tweek and Craig. It's just so weird. If they've been gay this whole time, have they been checking me out? I'm pretty sure Craig has seen my wiener. Should I kick his ass?
Cupid Me: [flits in out of nowhere] Aw, come on. What's wrong with two guys liking each other?
Cartman: I just don't understand it, Cupid Me. Wanting to like, kiss a dude?
Cupid Me: But if love is love, then it takes form in all shapes and sizes. Teehee.
Cartman: I guess, just because I don't understand it doesn't mean I shouldn't support it. Alright. Maybe you can help them along.
Cupid Me: Really? Can I?
Cartman: Yes, Cupid Me. Make it quick, and don't let anyone see you.
Cupid Me: Oh thank you! I won't! [floats out and away, giggling all the while.]
Scene Description: Craig's room. Craig is sound asleep, wearing his cap. Cupid Me flits in
Cupid Me: You just need a little spark of magic. [shoots an arrow into Craig's head.] And now I'm gonna pee in your mouth. [does so and giggles] Love is in the air. [squeezes a last bit of pee out]
Scene Description: Cartman's bathroom. Cartman is on the toilet doing something on his phone. Cupid Me returns.
Cartman: Did you do it, Cupid-Me?
Cupid Me: I hit him with my love arrow, and then I peed in his mouth just for fun.
Cartman: [laughs] That's awesome! [chuckles as Cupid-Me flits to his left side] That's so sweet.
Cupid Me: I thought you might like that.
Cartman: Yeah, dude. You're hilarious.
Cupid Me: And do you think I'm cute, too? 'Cause I think you're kind of cute.
Cartman: [his smile vanishes] Stop that, Cupid Me. I told you I'm not homosexual, okay? It's not funny.
Cupid Me: Oh, well, at least Tweek and Craig are in love now. [flits away]
Cartman: Yep. School tomorrow should be really interesting.
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day, hallway. Stan is talking to Kyle, who is switching out books in his locker.
Stan: And so my dad talked to me about it.
Kyle: Yeah?
Stan: And my dad said that Asians have always done this, and they, like, do make people gay.
Cartman: [runs up to them] You guys! You guys, hurry!
Kyle: What?
Cartman: It's, It's Tweek and Craig, dude! They're about to have sex! [runs off. Stan and Kyle follow.]
Scene Description: At the intersection of two hallways, a crowd has gathered around Tweek and Craig.
Craig: Got a fuckin' problem, man?! [pushes Tweek back]
Tweek: You're the one with the fuckin' problem! [pushes Craig back]
Craig: I told you to stay a hundred yards from me!
Tweek: You'd better not fuckin' push me again, man!
Cartman: Oh-ho come on, you guys. Get a room. [Craig and Tweek start fighting. Soon Cartman grabs onto Kevin for support]
Scene Description: PC Principal's office, day. He's got the phone receiver in one hand, a hand grip in the other
PC Principal: Hello, Mr. Tucker. I need to inform you that your son was in an altercation at school today.
Thomas: [at his office.] Craig? Craig got in a fight? [grins]
PC Principal: Yes, with his boyfriend. Just a lovers' quarrel, probably. [Craig and Tweek are seated opposite]
Craig: Goddammit!
PC Principal: Something to be expected in relationships. Apparently there were no affirmative consent issues, as your son knows the right way to play with another boy's penis.
Thomas: Oh God!... [facepalm]
PC Principal: There's not gonna be any disciplinary action since they are gay. We wanna be supportive, so we're just gonna send them on home with some money, alright? Alright, you have a nice day.
Thomas: Money?
Scene Description: The Forbidden City, China, day. A woman walks into an office and addresses someone in there. The camera pans left to show the president of the People's Republic of China, Xi Jinping. Apparently, it's a call for him, and he answers his phone
Xi Jinping: Wei? Ni hao [(Hello? Who is there?)]
Randy: [on the other end, in his study] Uh, hi, Mr. Jinping. Thanks for taking my call, I was... just wondering if you could shed some light on how your people decide who will be gay and who will be straight.
Xi Jinping: What?
Randy: [sighs] I'm sorry, I-I don't speak Asian, but... um, oh uh, oh, y-yao, yaoi. Yaoi, yes? Boizu rabu. Huh, how does that work?
Xi Jinping: That-a come from-a Japan.
Randy: Oh, it's Japan that decides? [Stan walks into the study.] How the hell do they actually make people geh-? [notices Stan] Aaaa-a-ah, Japan. Of course, is who does the yaoi to make people gay.
Xi Jinping: They are dogs! [pounds his desk with his left fist] who refused, and not apologized, to the Chinese republic!
Randy: Uh huh, yes, that of course I do already know about homosexuality.
Scene Description: Cartman's house, day. Cartman is browsing the Web on his phone. The doorbell rings and Liane goes to the front door to answer it
Delivery man: Hi, flower delivery for Eric Cartman? [Cartman hears this and looks over]
Liane: Oh my, how beautiful. [signs for the flowers and takes them to Cartman] Oh, look, sweetie, someone sent you flowers.
Cartman: [sets his phone down, takes the bouquet, and reads the attached note.] "Can't we just try? Tee Hee." Oh man.
Liane: Who are they from, hon?
Cartman: Someone who needs a real talking to.
Scene Description: At the buffet restaurant. Cartman and Cupid Me are in a booth
Cartman: Look, it's flattering, okay? But it doesn't change the fact that there's nothing here for you to keep pursuing.
Cupid Me: Teeheehee. Aw, come on, let's be like Tweek and Craig. Everyone thinks they're kewl.
Cartman: You are wasting your time. I'm not attracted to guys.
Cupid Me: But I'm so attracted to you.
Cartman: I realize that, but I'm sorry. I need you to stop bothering me. [the smile leaves Cupid Me's face. Cartman's voice gets quieter] This... is done. I'm just not a homosexual. [dejected, Cupid Me goes limp in mid-air.]
Scene Description: The Tweek house, day. The doorbell rings and Richard goes to answer it. Craig is just outside.
Richard: Well, hello Craig. Honey, it's Craig.
Mom: Awww, hi Craig.
Craig: Is Tweek home?
Richard: He sure is. Come on in. [holds the door open for Craig. From his house, Randy gives Richard a thumbs up. Richard returns the gesture and closes the door, then joins Mrs. Tweek and Craig in the middle of the living room] Would you like to have some coffee, Craig?
Craig: No, thank you, I just want to see Tweek.
Mom: Awww.
Richard: Tweek's just up in his room playing. You can go on up. [Craig starts going upstairs] Oh, uh, but keep the door open, alright? [Craig gets mad at the insinuation. Richard says to his wife] They're so gay.
Scene Description: Tweek's room, moments later. Tweek is trying to put some Lego's together, but it's frustrating for him. He drinks more coffee. Craig enters the room.
Craig: Hey dude. [this makes Tweek spit out his coffee, and he gets off his chair]
Tweek: No, no! What are you doing here? [keeps his distance]
Craig: Tweek, calm down. We have to put a stop to this.
Tweek: There's no stopping it! The whole world wants me to be something I'm not!
Craig: Me too, dude! But there's something we can do.
Tweek: What??
Craig: We have to come out and say we're gay.
Tweek: What?! Are you insane?! The way everyone-!
Craig: Wait. Wait! Because if we're gay, we can break up. And if we break up, no more pictures! We just have to stage a fake breakup in front of the Asian girls.
Tweek: Like acting? No man, that is way too much pressure! I'll fail-
Craig: You can do it, Tweek! You're capable of more than you think.
Tweek: Agh. I'm a terrible actor.
Craig: You just follow my lead, and try and make it believable, okay?
Tweek: Oh gah-okay. Oh God!
Scene Description: Skeeter's Wine Bar, day. Thomas Tucker is at the bar with Skeeter and Darryl Weathers.
Thomas: What did I do wrong, huh? Everyone's so damned happy, but... but why did this have to happen to my son?! What did I do to make my son like this?
Randy: Hey, hey, whoa, you didn't do anything.
Thomas: Oh, what? You know about this?
Randy: Yeah, let me handle thisk guys, I'm PC. Look, Thomas, you need to understand that being gay isn't a decision. You know, a lot of people think that Asians decide who's gay and who's not. But it isn't all Asians, it's just specifically the Japanese, okay?
Thomas: What?
Randy: [turns around] Why do the Japanese make some people gay and others not? [turns around again] Well, it all goes back to World War II, and atrocities that happened in China called the Rape of Don King.
Skeeter: Hey, you sure know a lot about this.
Randy: Yes I do.
Scene Description: The school hallway, at that moment. The same seven boys are gathered there again
Kyle: No, dude, I looked it up. Yaoi is just an art style for girls by girls because they like fictionalizing two guys in a relationship.
Stan: But why?
Kyle: I don't know. But the point is, there's nothing about it that means Tweek and Craig are actually gay, at all.
Scene Description: The school lobby, later. The Asian girls are back on the steps, and three of them are smiling. Tweek walks past them and stops when he hears someone calling him
Craig: Hey, Tweek! Hold up. Listen, it's just not going to work. [the smiles vanish]
Tweek: What? Why not? [Stan, Kyle, Kenny, Davíd, and Butters arrive]
Craig: I'm sorry, Tweek, but we can't lie to ourselves anymore. [turns to face the gathering crowd of kids] Yes, we are gay, but we do not belong together.
Tweek: We don't belong together? What suddenly changed, Craig?
Craig: It's just that people are different. That's all.
Tweek: Uh huh. And who the hell is Michael?! Huh?! You wanna tell me that?! [jaws begin to drop]
Craig: What? What are you, what are you talking about?
Tweek: I went through your phone when we went out last night, Craig! I saw your texts to Michael about hooking up with him!
Craig: Wait, uh, that's, that's not what happened.
Tweek: Oh, it's not?
Craig: No. [tries to get Tweek back on track] Uh, look, we both know this is for the better.
Tweek: Oh, don't use that lame shit on me, man! You don't wanna feel bad, so you try and tell me what I want?
Craig: Wait, don't make me out to be the bad guy here.
Tweek: [tears up, voice cracks] Noho, you're not the bad guy! You're never the bad guy, are you?! You, you just step on people and you use them!
Craig: [tries again] You're going too far, dude. This is like, totally not necessary.
Tweek: Agh-I'm going too far?! What is wrong with you?
Craig: This wasn't part of the plan!
Tweek: Well, guess what, Craig! Love doesn't follow a plan!
Butters: Yeah!
Tweek: [tears fill his eyes] I was totally wrong about you. I opened myself up and let you in. But you've got spikes, man. You've got spikes. [walks away. Before he goes off screen, he breaks out in a big grin.]
Wendy: [steps forward to Tweek's spot] Tweek. [glares at Craig, then follows Tweek concerned. Craig looks at the other kids, who glare at him and walk away. The Asian girls even leave their drawing tools behind]
Craig: Dude, seriously? Seriously?
Scene Description: "Say Something" begins to play. A rainy-day montage begins. First, the Tucker house. Laura is on the phone.
Laura: They... they broke up? [Thomas turns around and smiles at the news. He notices Craig walking up to the front door, head down, and lets him in. He notices Craig's mood and his smile disappears.]
Scene Description: The montage continues. The mural on the side of the school begins to smear. An Asian girl cries as she draws something new - Tweek and Craig with their backs to each other, with some distance between them. Tweek walks through the hallway grinning at first, but his smile vanishes when he notices how sad the other kids look. The outdoor art fair is still open on a rainy day. Most of the art now has an angry Craig and a dejected Tweek on it. One piece has Craig talking to a new boy while Tweek looks in from outside, and another has Craig pushing pins into a Tweek plush as if it were a voodoo doll. Next, Cupid Me looks in from outside as Cartman is asleep in bed. Cupid Me flits away. Gerald and Sheila replace a happy Craig x Tweek painting with a breakup one. Stan is shown sad on his bed, while Sharon is shown sad in the kitchen. Randy appears at the doorway and opens his mouth to say something, but decides against it and walks away. Mayor McDaniels is at her husband's grave. Richard Tweek is crying at the dining room table and his wife tries to console him. Tweek picks in from the kitchen
Scene Description: Ruffians Gay Bar, day. Some men are playing pool, two others chat next to the jukebox. Cartman walks in, scans the room, and walks up to the bar
Cartman: What are you doing? This place isn't you. [Cupid Me is shown, with a mug of beer an empty scotch glass, and an ashtray full of cigarette butts.]
Cupid Me: I'm just here to pick up on guys. Why? are you jealous?
Cartman: No I'm not. I'm here because we need you right now.
Cupid Me: Oh, now you need me, huh? Fuck you, dude.
Cartman: Fuck you.
Man 1: What is that kid doing here?
Man 2: He's just kind of talking to himself.
Cartman: The whole town is sad. Cupid Me, you have to help.
Cupid Me: Well, I guess I could try now, in return for just... one date?
Cartman: [hushed shouting] I'm not homosexual!
Cupid Me: Then I guess I'm not interested.
Cartman: Ugh. Alright, one date. But only if you help get Tweek and Craig back together.
Cupid Me: Teeheehee! Teeheeheeheehee!
Bartender: Hey, kid, what do you think you're doing here?
Cartman: Oh, hey, whoa, whoa-whoa-whoa. I'm not here for me, I'm here for my friend, okay? [the bartender doesn't see any friend with him]
Scene Description: The Tucker house, day. The doorbell rings and Thomas arrives to answer it. Tweek is just outside
Tweek: Hi, is Craig here, sir?
Thomas: Why can't you quit him? [begins to close the door-]
Laura: Thomas!
Thomas: [lets Tweek in] Five minutes. He's in the back. [Tweek goes on in and goes out the sliding door in back. Craig is working on his bicycle.]
Tweek: Hey, dude.
Craig: What do you want?
Tweek: I thought when we broke up everything would get better. I was thinking maybe we should say we're back together.
Craig: Dude, I'm not gay and neither are you!
Tweek: What does that have to do with anything?
Craig: You think you can just pull that shit you pulled at school, saying I step on people and use them?! And I'll just take you back?
Tweek: You said to make it seem real.
Craig: Not that real! Now everyone thinks I'm a manipulative cheater! I'll never get any chicks!
Tweek: I'm so sorry, Craig. You, you made me believe in myself in a way I never have before. I didn't think I had any of that in me, but... you were right. I can do more than I think. You... changed something in me and I just... I wanna fix whatever's hurting you now. [Thomas, who's been looking out the window, begins to cry]
Craig: I can't be something because everyone wants me to be. I have to be myself. You'll just have to go be gay with someone else.
Tweek: Alright Craig. Alright. [turns left and walks away]
Scene Description: The Tucker House
Thomas: I can see how much they're both hurting, but... Can't you understand that in my time we just didn't accept this? [rests his head on his left hand] Maybe it's not so wrong, I, I just don't want it to be my son. [Cupid Me flits in and giggles]
Cupid Me: You just need a little prick of magic. [shoots an arrow into Thomas' head] And I'll pee in your mouth a little bit. [follows through]
Thomas: Then again, he's my son no matter what. I can't just shut down on him.
Cupid Me: Teeheeheehee, teeheeheehee. [flits away. Moments later, Thomas shows up at Craig's bedroom door. Craig is on his bed, sad]
Thomas: [enters] Son, you need to listen to me. [sits down on the bed] You can't fight being gay. I used to think that being gay was a choice, but, you don't get to decide. Japan picks who they pick, and that's that. I don't understand this stuff. Heck, I didn't even know Don King got raped, but... I do know that if you try and resist it, you make yourself miserable your whole life. Everyone was so proud of you, Ah I was just being selfish. I wanna be proud of you too. I like gay Craig. I love you. Here's a hundred dollars. [puts the bill in Craig's hand and walks out the door]
Scene Description: Shi Tpa Town. Soft piano music plays in the background. Tweek walks with his head down near City Wok. Eventually he and Craig cross paths. They both stop and look at each other. Craig then turns towards the same direction that Tweek is facing and extends his left hand out. After some hesitation, Tweek takes his hand and they walk in the same direction. They eventually walk past Whole Foods where Randy and Mr. and Mrs. Testaburger notice them and cheer them on.
Japanese singer: Maybe we should go away. Put cares aside for just a day.
Scene Description: At the crosswalk in front of Dee's Meats, Tweek and Craig continue holding hands as they enter the crosswalk. Token is shocked while his parents as well as The Stotches look on with a smile and approval
Scene Description: Brofloski residence. Gerald and Sheila meet in front of a painting of Tweek and Craig, and hold hands
Japanese singer: The world we face is a-not so big. Not if we are strong like Tweek and Craig.
Scene Description: Marsh residence, kitchen. Sharon is washing dishes. Randy comes up behind her and gives her a bouquet of flowers. In the background, the sound of drums now accompany the piano.
Japanese singer: Hontou ni sakana ga oishii ["The fish is really delicious"]
Scene Description: Footage of Assassin's Creed Syndicate is shown on a television set. Craig is playing the video game while Tweek is next to him on the couch and talking.
Japanese singer: Let's go back to when it was new. Weren't we such happy peopleru?
Scene Description: Outside the house, several adults look through a window and smile at Craig and Tweek as they continue to play and talk
Japanese singer: Life was simple, problems vague.
Scene Description: City Hall. The Mayor is at her desk. She looks at a picture frame of her deceased husband, then holds it against her chest.
Japanese Singer: We had it all, a lot like Tweek and Craig.
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, hallway. Heads turn as Craig and Tweek walk through the hallways hand in hand. Stan, Kyle and Butters are visibly shocked, while Leslie Meyers smiles at the couple.
Scene Description: Akihabara, Japan, evening. A view of the evening sky and neon lit buildings is shown. Inside a karaoke bar, the Japanese singer is revealed to be a businessman, who is singing on a stage in front of other office workers. Behind him are monitors showing live action footage of Tweek and Craig, with Craig offering Tweek some flowers. The lyrics are shown below at the bottom of the screen
Japanese singer: And in the darkness we all seek A perfect love like Craig and Tweek.
Scene Description: Live action footage of Tweek and Craig is shown on screen. They are walking around, hand in hand, in a field. They pull each other in and eventually hug. Then, they sit on a tree branch, with Tweek resting his head on Craig's shoulder. The lyrics are shown at the bottom of the screen in karaoke style
Japanese singer: We must fight or love's a goner. We must hold Tweek and Craig with the...[music stops]
Scene Description: Tucker residence. An overhead shot of Thomas and Laura asleep on their bed. He is suddenly awoken by the sound of the Japanese singer yelling in Japanese and looks around the room
Japanese singer: ...highest honor! Ganbarou! ["Let's give it our all!"] Irasshai! ["Welcome!"]
Scene Description: China. Xi Jinping is sitting at his desk and smiling at his female secretary. Suddenly, he gets up and they passionately kiss. The piano music resumes.
Japanese singer: I hope you know when you are down
Scene Description: Stotch residence, Butter's bedroom. Butters is at his computer, Skyping with Charlotte
Japanese singer: That you turned my life around. Just like the quote from Shakespeare said
Scene Description: Cartman residence, Eric's room. The camera slowly pans down to a naked Eric laying down on his stomach atop of his bed.
Japanese singer: I'm your Tweek, [slowing] and you're my Craig.
Cartman: [in bed, moaning in a rhythmic fashion] Okay, okay, the date's almost over.
Cupid Me: [pops up behind Cartman] Teeheehee. Aren't you liking your massage?
Cartman: It's fine. It just doesn't really do anything for me.
Cupid Me: Well, I've got something you might like a little better. [goes back behind Cartman... and under...]
Cartman: Cu- Cupid Me, no! No, I'm straight!
Cupid Me: Teeheeheehee!
Cartman: Cupid Me, what are you doing?! Oh my God! [next, he's in the bathroom. Liane walks past, but stops to listen in] Oh Cupid Me, that's enough! Okay, that's it, Cupid Me! That's it! [Liane opens the door and sees Cartman masturbating furiously on the toilet] That's it, Cupid Me. Okay, that's it. That's it, Cupid Me. [Liane closes the door]
Liane: Awww.


Scene Description: South Park, day. Two police officers are patrolling the town in their vehicle
Sgt. Yates: Attention all units in the vicinity of South Park Elementary! [the officers pay attention] We have a code red! [units begin showing up] Principal calling for help during school assembly! All officers needed at once!
Officer Barbrady: [in his patrol car eating a sub sandwich and drinking soda] The school? [puts down his food and starts the motor] Oh Jeez Louise! [turns his siren on and drives off. More units arrive at the school, even heavily-armed SWAT officers. They all arm themselves. Barbrady runs into one of the other cars]
Sgt. Yates: [to the assembled officers] We need to get to the gym! Half go this way, half go around the side! Barbrady, you go around back! [the officers disperse. Barbrady goes into the school and finds empty hallways. He stops for a moment and one can hear him pant. He barges into the Fourth Grade classroom and finds it deserted. He goes through the school lobby and finds no one.]
Officer 1: On 3 1... 2... [Instead of getting to 3, the officers enter the gym with their weapons drawn. More cops enter from the other end.]
PC Principal: There she is, officers, right there. I told you to stop chatting with your friend, didn't I, Leslie? You [Leslie looks at him, bewildered] see, officers, apparently Leslie thinks that talking to her friends is more important than learning about diversity in third-world countries. [pulls out a laser pen light and lights Leslie up with it.] That one. That's her right there. You remove her from my school.
Barbrady: [barges into the gym] Whoa! Nobody move! What's happening?
PC Principal: Get her out of here! [the light from his pointer falls upon Barbrady]
Barbrady: Oh, they've got me! [reflexively fires a shot, which hits a boy on the right shoulder]
Boy: AAAAAH!
PC Principal: Waaaah!
Scene Description: South Park City Hall, later. The Mayor, her aides, and two other people
Mayor McDaniels: This town is outraged, Officer Barbrady! People are tired of the police not being held accountable for their actions!
Barbrady: Mayor, I didn't know if there was a gunman, or a bomb-
Mayor McDaniels: You shot an unarmed six year old Latino child!
Barbrady: I'm sorry.
Mayor McDaniels: You're fired.
Barbrady: No, Mayor, please. This is all I know. I used to be the only policeman in this town, remember? Bob, ah I used to chase away the sixth graders for you.
Mayor McDaniels: You're from another time, Barbrady. And the last thing that needs to go. Your gun and your badge. [Barbrady takes them and lays them on the table] And your sunglasses.
Barbrady: [emotional] No, please, not my sunglasses.
Johnson: You're done, Barbrady! The town doesn't want you here! [reluctantly, Brabrady takes off his sunglasses and lays them on the table.]
Barbrady: Where should I go?
Johnson: You should have thought of that before you shot a Mexican!
Mayor McDaniels: Latino-American.
Johnson: Latino-American. [blinks hard] Shit.
Mayor McDaniels: You should go away. You don't belong anywhere in a town as progressive as this one.
Scene Description: SoDoSoPa, at Kenny's house. The mall and construction sites are still there, but the homeless have moved in. Kenny opens the door to take the trash out.
Homeless man 1: [sleeping upstairs at the abandoned Steed] Aaay, quiet down over there, I'm tryin' to sleep.
Stuart: [steps outside] Goddammit! You people all get out of here!
Homeless man 2: [sleeping upstairs at "Bi the garage"] What makes you in charge? [Karen appears at the living room window]
Stuart: 'Cause this is my fuckin' house!
Homeless man 3: [kicks a trashcan and walks over to him] Hey beat it, man, or I'll make you my bitch! [Karen screams. Stuart gets Kenny back inside and Karen leaves the window.]
Scene Description: The McCormick living room. Stuart places a call as his family stands to one side watching him.
Stuart: Yeah, we've got a bunch of drunk-addict vagrants trespassing on our yard and we need assistance.
Sgt. Yates: [in his office] Oh, is that so? Well, we'd like to come help you, but we don't wanna get fired.
Stuart: What are you talkin' about? There's homeless people here and they're scarin' my kids! You need to come do somethin' about this!
Sgt. Yates: I see. And are any of these homeless people of a minority persuasion?
Stuart: Why does that matter?
Sgt. Yates: Oh, it matters. See, it used be we could beat up minorities and nobody cared. It's the reason a lot of us joined the force. [lowers the phone a bit] Hey Mitch, you wanna go down and arrest some homeless people but not be able to beat up any minorities?
Mitch: No thank you.
Sgt. Yates: Yeah, no, I think we're good. In fact, we're thinking of maybe turning the whole department into a hula school. Whattaya think?
Stuart: God Dammit! [slams the phone down onto the base unit]
Carol: What are they doing?
Stuart: They're not coming!
Carol: But they have to! Karen brought in one of their syringes, for Christ's sake!
Stuart: Well that's just too bad! The cops won't come, so there's nobody to scare the homeless away!
Scene Description: turns around and walks away. Kenny lowers his head and looks down and to the right
Scene Description: Officer Barbrady's apartment. He walks in and sets his sack lunch over the TV, then takes off his jacket and puts it on the coat rack
Barbrady: Hi, sweetheart. I've uh... I've been let go from the force. I'm so sorry.[an old dog raises its head and lets out a small groan. He walks over to it] Don't worry, old girl. [kneels down next to the dog and starts stroking it] It might be a little tough to afford your medication, but I'll find a way. You know me. I like to help. I like to be needed.
Scene Description: Neighborhood park, day. Stan and Kyle are shooting hoops. Kyle takes a shot and misses. Cartman runs up to them.
Cartman: You guys! Oh my God you guys! You guys, they're gay! [Butters catches up] They're totally gay!
Stan: Who?
Cartman: Kenny and Token.
Kyle: What?
Cartman: Kenny and Token, dude. They're so gay. Butters told me.
Kyle: You're lying.
Cartman: No dude. In those old abandoned buildings around Kenny's house, Kenny and Token turned it into a big ninja clubhouse. And they dress and play ninjas in it trying to scare people away.
Kyle: How is that gay?
Cartman: It's the gayest thing ever dude? Ninjas are fuckin' dumb! Dude, come one! We've gotta go see this!
Butters: Over this way! [they all go have a look]
Scene Description: SoDoSoPa, later. Two ninjas spring into view and go to two posts around the edge of the roof.
Token: We will defend our ninja honor! [spotting something over a crossbow] Intruders! Protect the base! [the four boys come into view] Hey guys, did you come to see our ninja fortress?
Cartman: [in hushed tones] Oh my God they're so gay you guys.
Stan: You and Kenny built all this?
Token: Yeah, with Clyde and David too. [Clyde swings into view while David climbs up a rope.]
Clyde: You guys should come and check it out.
Cartman: Ah, no, we're good, thanks. [in hushed tones] Oh my God this is a sausage party!
Clyde: It's pretty cool, dude. People are scared of us.
Cartman: [sarcastically] Yeah, I'm sure they are. [a big truck stops in its tracks.]
Driver: Hey, excuse me, man, do you know where-? [Arabic music plays and the ninjas began showing off their moves.] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAAAAH! Look! AAAAH!
Passenger: Go, go, go! [the truck takes off. The four boys look on in wonder, Cartman walks into the street. The truck reaches the end of the block and hangs a left, and disappears]
Cartman: That's pretty cool.
Scene Description: Skeeter's Wine Bar, evening. Skeeter serves up some wine
Gerald: Well the way I heard it was that the girl in the school wasn't even doing anything. Just talking too loud. And someone ends up getting shot.
Skeeter: Hey! What you want?
Barkley: It's okay, I'm off duty. Just came in for a nice pinot.
Patron: Yeah? Well go somewhere else, copper! CtPaTown is for people who care about each other!
Skeeter: We don't take kindly to folks who impose their authority on the underprivileged!
Barkley: Now look, not all cops are racist trigger-happy assholes.
Randy: Really? I'll bet you don't even know what "farm to table" means. [Barkley stands there a moment and then walks out, letting the door slam shut. Bar patrons cheer and holler at their success]
Randy: [steps forward] Wow. We've only had a Whole Foods for a month and already we don't need cops. So cool. [smiles]
Scene Description: SoDoSoPa, day. Token is giving a lesson.
Token: It is a great honor to see that you all want to be ninjas. Joining our club is very serious. You must promise to uphold the warrior's code. [Butters and Cartman, Stan and Kyle are now dressed as ninjas]
Cartman: Totally dude, ninjas are sweet.
Token: Together we must strive to make our fortress super bad-ass and keep all intruders out! To that end, let us proceed to our training.
Cartman: [catches up to a ninja] Dude, can I talk to you for a minute? Listen, I don't think we should let Kyle be a ninja, okay? He said ninjas were gay. He's probably gonna try and turn it around on me, but that's 'cause Kyle knows I heard him.
Kyle: You're talking to Kyle right now.
Cartman: Yeah, cool... it's me, Butters.
Kyle: You're the one who said ninjas were gay. Why do you wanna make this a problem?
Cartman: I'm just, I'm just Butters, man. I have problems with lots of things.
Butters: Hey Eric, you wanna try sparring with me?
Cartman: Yes I do, Butters. [kicks him in the nuts and walks away]
Butters: OOF. Ow. Ahem.
Clyde: Intruders! [two homeless men approach the fortress with filled grocery bags]
Homeless man 4: Yeah, it's right up here. We can shoot up in these abandoned buildings. [the ninjas, eight in all, appear before them and make a show of force. The men begin to confuse them for ISIS, drop their bags, and run away]
Scene Description: A news break
Anchor: The town of South Park is holding a large protest tonight outside of their police department. The townspeople say the protest is meant to begin a dialog about the relationship between law enforcement and the citizens they are supposed to protect.
Scene Description: A montage begins to "Fuck the Police" playing in the background. The protest is shown, with everyone giving the middle finger to the cops. Even Fr. Maxi gives them the finger. Yates and his men look down from their second-story windows. Next, Whole Foods is shown. A shopper spots Officer Stevens and throws his cart right at him. Stevens turns around to see what hit him. The shopper feigns shock, then shrugs his shoulders and turns and walks away. Other shoppers laugh at his prank. Next is (vernacular), where a couple sits al fresco. They watch as Stevens sees his police car, now vandalized with "I'M A DOUCHE". Next is Officer Barbrady at home with his aged dog. Next, Sgt. Yates reads the South Park times. Its lead headline: NO TO PIGS! YES TO FREE-RANGE PORK. Next, two officers drive down a street when they spot someone. It's Randy in his bathrobe, standing outside, He shows off his cock and balls as the officers roll by slowly. ShiTpaTown is shown. Barbrady drops into a fast-food restaurant to look for work. The staff there quickly kicks him out. Two homeless men approach SoDoSoPa only to flee when they see the ninja kids swarming the place. Barbrady returns to find an eviction notice taped to his door. Randy reaches Whole Foods for some shopping, but finds a homeless man in his way sleeping on the sidewalk. Then he looks at Whole Foods and sees the parking area filled with homeless people
Scene Description: Channel 4 News segment.
Anchor: Are your children being lured into terrorist organizations? A shocking report shows that some kids in the town of South Park are swearing loyalty to a murderous regime.
Cartman: Yeah, we're pretty bad-ass, and um, this is, like, our fortress, and you can see it's really cool.
Reporter: And what about this way of life has attracted you?
Butters: We're just cool 'cause we're tough, and we fight and stuff, and we can ah-.
Cartman: Yeah yeah yeah, and it's like, we can do whatever we want, and people are scared of us, it's totally rad!
Stan: Then why'd you say it was gay before?
Cartman: Oh my God! I never said it was gay!
Token: Wait, he said this was gay?
Cartman: That is a total lie!! Why would I say anything homophobic about the way Tweek and Craig make love?! [points to Stan] He's a lying, backstabbing Jew!
Stan: I'm Stan.
Anchor: No doubt the growing number of kids swearing loyalty to ISIS could be problematic for the progressive town.
Scene Description: Whole Foods, day. Barbrady takes his place among the homeless, up against an exterior wall.
Barbrady: [to his dog] Here you go, old girl. We'll just have to make do. [Randy exits the store with some groceries, but fails to notice Barbrady nearby]
Randy: Ew. [keeps walking]
Homeless man 5: Spare a dollar?
Randy: No I don't I'm sorry thank you Goddammit ew. [the Mayor and her aides survey the situation by Skeeter's Bar. Randy sees her and approaches] Mayor, I didn't bust my ass to gentrify this part of town to have it overrun with homeless people!
Mayor McDaniels: Why are they all suddenly coming here?
Gerald: [arrives with Sheila] Mayor, what are you going to do about this? My wife and I can barely eat or shop.
Mayor McDaniels: When a town like ours has a homeless problem it must look at the root of what's causing it.
Stephen: [arrives with Linda] It's ISIS!
Randy: What?
Stephen: They're these troubled kids who've turned their backs on America! They've taken over SoDoSoPa, forced all the homeless out!
Gerald: Why would kids in our town wanna be a part of that?
Stephen: They're just bad kids! Rotten on the inside! Probably with shitty parents!
Scene Description: Jimmy's house. His parents are at the breakfast nook with him.
Ryan: Son, I've always tried to be a fair dad. Eh I I don't want to meh make you angry, but... why?
Jimmy: Well Dad, I just re-really like being a part of something. I feel like it's character-building and it's lots of fun.
Ryan: Fun? But what do you... believe in?
Jimmy: What do we believe in? We believe in something greater than ourselves, and that by following our strict warrior code we believe that our faiths and our traditions are a way to a greater path - the p-p-p-path of the warrior. And as long as we stay united in honor we can defeat all our enemies. [this is beginning to freak Ryan out, so he screams and leaves the table as fast as he can.] Wow, the fellas were right. People are really freaked out by ninjas.
Scene Description: Park County Police Station, day. Randy leads the city council to police headquarters on the second floor
Randy: Okay, we've just gotta be really apologetic and tell them we didn't mean it, okay?
Gerald: Jeez, this is so embarrassing.
Mayor McDaniels: What if they won't help us with the homeless?
Stephen: I'm pretty sure the police will help out if it's because ISIS is taking over the town. [opens the double doors and leads the council in]
Scene Description: Park County Holice Headquarters. The officers inside are all dancing slowly, gracefully, The city council is stunned
Stephen: Officers, there's kids in town who have joined ISIS. We don't know who they are, but they-.
Sgt. Yates: What? What's that, you say?
Mayor McDaniels: The town is in danger, alright? We don't know what these kids are capable of.
Sgt. Yates: Jeez, I'm sorry. We've got to work on our koholo kaloa, and get the lomi lomi chicken ready for the big ho'olao le'ao, which leaves us... oh, not enough time to deal with ISIS.
Randy: Alright, look. There's homeless people all over our gentrified food and arts district. If you don't stop thewe twisted kids, then-
Sgt. Yates: Hey, who was it that said "fuck the police"? Was that Ice Cube? Tupac? Oh, right, that was you guys! Sorry, but I guess you'll have to find somebody else to do all the difficult dirty shit you don't want to do yourselves. I've gotta be ready for the luau. I might even kiss a dude.
Scene Description: Back at SoDoSoPa, the ninjas are going through exercises. Cartman and Butters talk
Cartman: So then, after you told me, we went over to Kyle and Stan when they were playing basketball, remember?
Butters: Yeah?
Cartman: And we said Kenny and Token were playing ninjas, and Kyle said that ninjas were gay, and I said ninjas are gay, but it was a question. You remember?
Butters: Uh I thought you said it first.
Cartman: No nonono, see? Now Kyle got everyone remembering it wrong because he doesn't wanna get kicked out of the group. That's what Jews do when they get caught in a lie. You cannot trust a Jewish ninja, Butters.
Token: You guys! You guys!
Stan: What?
Token: Actual Ninjas. Wanna talk to us.
Clyde: What?
Token: Kenny and I both just got the same email from people overseas.
Cartman: Whoa, dude.
Stan: How's they found out who we were?
Cartman: They're fuckin' ninjas, dude!
Scene Description: At Bi the garage, a computer is set up for video conferencing. An ISIS leader appears on screen.
ISIS leader: So, you are the brave children who have committed to our cause. We are aware of what you are doing and we are very impressed.
Stan: Cool. Thanks, dude.
ISIS leader: What you are doing is very important and we would like to help you however we can. We are going to be wiring you some money.
Butters: Whoa, cool! Why, this is the greatest thing ever you guys!
Cartman: Ah, excuse me. Can I just set the record straight on something?
ISIS leader: Of course.
Cartman: Should Jews be trusted? [no response. A few seconds later...] Uh I mean, if one of us is a Jew, do you see that as being at all problematic?
ISIS leader: Extremely.
Cartman: YES! [dances away] YEEES! ["Can't Touch This" begins to play and Cartman does arm waves.] Oh-oh, oh-oh! Oh-oh, oh-oh! What did I tell you guys?
Scene Description: Whole Foods, night. A closeup of Barbrady snoozing
Randy: [his shadow falls upon ex-Officer Barbrady] Hey Barbrady. [tries to wake him up] Officer Barbrady.
Barbrady: Uh, who?
Randy: Hey buddy. [flanking him are the Mayor and her aides, and the Stotches]
Barbrady: What do you want?
Johnson: How would you like to be a policeman again?
Barbrady: I'm no good as a policeman. I'm a bumbling old fool.
Stephen: That is not true! Who said that? Look, Barbrady, the fact is, the town needs you.
Barbrady: They need me? To do what?
Randy: We need you to shoot some kids. [smiles]
Barbrady: No! Shoot kids? I don't wanna shoot kids!
Randy: Shh! Shhh! Shhhh! These are really bad kids. Terrorists. This is totally different from before.
Barbrady: No. No. Are any of them minorities?
Aide: A couple of them, we think. Yeah.
Barbrady: Noo no no no no no no no no!
Mayor McDaniels: Sh, look, look look, Barbrady, Barbrady! We were wrong about you. I... was wrong about you. You... protected this town back before anybody else ever did. You used to do it all on your own. We need you to do that again. [takes out his sunglasses from her inside coat pocket and hands them to him. He puts them on and his sadness disappears]
Randy: You're the only cop this town needs, Barbrady. Go shoot those kids.
Scene Description: SoDoSoPa, night. The ninjas are still going through exercises, but inside the abandoned Savor The Goodness store. Something is standing next to the punching bags
Cartman: You guys, I know this is hard for all of us. But to truly be ninjas, we must face hard facts. Last night I spoke in private with our ninja leader overseas. We talked a long time about Jews and the Hebrew faith. He told me a lot I didn't know. And I was able to tell him some things he did not know. But after talking with that guy, it is abundantly clear to me that Jews cannot be ninjas. I went to Kyle's house to talk to him about it, and I found this. [pulls out a drawing of two ninjas, one of them having anal sex with the other one] It was then that Kyle confessed to me about how he had brainwashed Butters and Stan into thinking I had used a homophobic slur to refer to our organization. And he almost got away with it. That's when Kyle tried to kill me. Luckily I was the faster ninja. [reveals the, uh, guilty ninja, who's strapped into a chair and his ninja head covering is duck-taped over his face] Kyle knew I would never call ninjas gay. When I take the gag off, he's going to try and tell you that I'm lying now. Do not believe him. Kyle is a liar.
Kyle: I'm right here. [standing between Token and Stan]
Cartman: [looks at the group, then at the bound ninja] Who, who is this?
Stan: That's Clyde.
Cartman: ...and I am Token. Why do I do these things, you ask? Black rage.
Scene Description: Some moments later, Barbrady, now in uniform, makes it to SoDoSoPa and begins looking around. He drops down behind the vandalized station wagon.
Barbrady: Oh Jesus. ISIS, oh God.
Scene Description: The Marsh house, dinner time. The Marshes are at dinner, except for Stan
Marvin: This chicken tastes like shit. What'd you do to it?
Randy: Okay, okay Dad, it's not organic chicken. I'm not comfortable shopping at Whole Foods with all the homeless people there. But don't worry. That's all about to change. Soon we'll all have CtPaTown to enjoy again. Where's Stan?
Sharon: He's playing ninjas over at Kenny's house.
Randy: Ninjas? That's gay. [remembers the ISIS warriors who took over SoDoSoPa] He's playing ninjas at Kenny's house?
Sharon: Yeah.
Randy: You mean, SoDoSoPa?
Sharon: Uh huh.
Randy: [begins to think this over] Wait a minute... Ninjas... [Oriental and Arabic music alternate in his head] ...scary... gay... Scary. Gay. Scary gay scary gay.
Sharon: Randy, what are you doing?
Randy: Scary gay scary gay scary GAY. [runs out of the dining room] Staaaan!! [Shelly looks back at him]
Scene Description: SoDoSoPa, night. The other ninjas replace Clyde with Cartman on the chair and tie him up.
Cartman: Oh, I get the misunderstanding now. No, see, I told Clyde that Kyle said ninjas were gay, but Clyde thought I was Kyle, so then he was saying that I said ninjas were gay, meaning I as in Kyle.
Kyle: Nobody ever gave a shit, you fat pig!
Token: All those in favor of Cartman being kicked out of our ninja club?
Ninjas: Hai!
Cartman: No! You CAN'T kick me out! I have to be a ninja! They hate Jews. I was made for this, you guys! Please!
Stan: What shall we do with him? [Barbrady climbs over a wall and quickly reaches the ninjas]
Barbrady: [draws his gun] Freeze! [the ninjas turn around]
Kyle: Oh shit!
Barbrady: [trembling in fear] Please, I don't wanna shoot you. [the ninjas back away]
Stan: Cool. Don't.
Barbrady: Oh ho ho. [groans miserably and waves gun]
Ninjas: Aaahaah. [Cartman shuts his eyes and faces left]
Barbrady: I understand you feeling angry at this town. I'm getting pretty angry too. But we can't give up on it. Please boys, don't make it end violently.
Randy: [finds the ninjas and Barbrady] They're just stupid ninjas! [tackles Barbrady, who instinctively fires off a shot. David is struck.]
David: Aaa!
Barbrady: Aaahaahaaawe!
Scene Description: City Hall, day. The Mayor, Randy, and the city council face Barbrady
Mayor McDaniels: What were you thinking?! Boys innocently playing ninja and you pull your gun on them?
Aide: David Rodriguez was lucky to live!
Barbrady: Everybody told me they were terrorists.
Mayor McDaniels: We thought they were. But if it turns out they aren't, as a policeman, you have to figure that out!
Barbrady: But, you said you needed me to kill some kids.
Randy: Oh, he's gonna lay this on us now. I said kill some kids, but I said it as a question, remember? I said "Kill some kids?"
Mayor McDaniels: I'm sorry, but we just can't cover your ass on this one. There's going to be an investigation and ... you just don't have what it takes to be a policeman in today's times.
Johnson: Do you even know what "farm to table" means? [Barbrady takes off his glasses and lays them on the table.]
Scene Description: Whole Foods, day. The South Park Police Department is back on duty and taking the homeless away from ShiTpaTown
Barkley: Let's go people, you can't stay here. You are being relocated.
Homeless man 6: Hey, you can't kick us out of here, man.
Sgt. Yates: Oh no? I'm a cop.
Randy: Thank you, officers.
Sgt. Yates: We've got a deal, right?
Mayor McDaniels: Yes. [she and Randy turn away and XXX*what do they do*XXX]
Sgt. Yates: Alright you, come on! [punches the homeless man in the face. Other officers take time to abuse the homeless people a little. One officer kicks a homeless man in the balls twice while another officer holds him, then the two officers take him away. A street sweeper rolls by collecting all the homeless who are still sleeping on the street, and even a few who are walking around]
Homeless man 6: Aaaah!
Homeless man 7: [being led away by an officer] Please! You can't take me back to SoDoSoPa! ISIS is there!
Officer 2: No, those were just ninjas. [they walk past the boys - Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny]
Homeless man 7: Ninjas? Oh, that's so gay.
Cartman: I told you guys. What did I tell you? I said ninjas are fuckin' gay but you didn't wanna listen, nooo!
Scene Description: An interrogation room. Barbrady sits at a table with his dog to his left. A door opens and Barbrady looks up. An agent walks in with a folder, sits down, and sets the folder on the table
Agent: Officer Barbrady.
Barbrady: Yes?
Agent: We've been watching you. And what we see is a man who truly wants to protect his town.
Barbrady: You do?
Agent: You've been in this town longer than almost anyone. Have you noticed... changes... lately?
Barbrady: Yeah, a lot of changes.
Agent: They aren't a coincidence, officer. They are all part of a plan to take down your beloved town and everyone in it.
Barbrady: What?
Agent: What do you know about a little girl named... [takes out a picture and shows it to Barbrady] Leslie? [with PC Principal pushing her on the swing]