Scene Description: Kyle's house, day. Kyle runs home excitedly with something in his hand. He opens the front door and goes in. Gerald spots him
Gerald: There you are, Kyle. I was gonna see if you and your brother wanted to go down to the bowling alley.
Kyle: Nono Dad, please. I just got Call Of Duty: Advanced Warfare. Me and Ike are going to play it together.
Gerald: It's your day off. You boys really wanna spend it inside in front of the TV?
Kyle: Please Dad, I've been looking forward to this all week. Aaand it's me and Ike's bonding time. Really. This is good for our relationship.
Gerald: All right. [Kyle smiles, Gerald heads back to the kitchen] I swear I'll never understand you kids these days.
Kyle: Yes! [runs upstairs smiling.]
Scene Description: Ike's room. Ike is at his computer eating Cheetos. Kyle knocks, then goes into the room
Kyle: Heeey Ike! Look what I got. [Ike looks over his shoulder] The new Call Of Duty! Do you wanna go downstairs and play?
PewDiePie: [on the monitor] Aww, look at all the bright colors.
Ike: ...Meh. [goes back to watching the monitor and eating his Cheetos]
Kyle: Meh? Ike, we have a whole day to play XBox! Mom and Dad are leaving!
Ike: Maybe later, 'kay?
Kyle: [walks up to Ike] Well what are you watching?
PewDiePie: How's it goin' bros? My name's PewDiePie. I'm playing Call Of Duty: Advanced Warfare. Here we go. [breaks through a door and is met with gunfire] Agh! People are shooting at me, bros!
Kyle: You're watching someone play Call Of Duty and talk about it?
Ike: [claps] PewDiePie!
PewDiePie: There's lots of bullet! And I've gotta run! RUN FOR THE BUNKER! RUUUUN!
Kyle: Ike, we could go play the game downstairs. Isn't that better than watching some guy on YouTube playing it?
PewDiePie: Alright, I hope that's enough.
Ike: Meh.
PewDiePie: Uh, like I said, um... Look at this. Look at this. Ooohhh, gigrrig! [fires away at will]
Scene Description: South Park Elementary Cafeteria, lunchtime
Kyle: Dude, I'm telling you. It's crazy. All my little brother wants to do is sit on YouTube watching this PewDiePie play video games. I swear, I don't understand kids these days.
Butters: What's a PewDiePie do?
Kyle: Google him. He's this guy from Sweden who has over 30 million YouTube subscribers. We didn't even know, but he's a bigger celebrity to kids than anyone. It just seems so lame.
Cartman: He plays video games and makes millions of dollars, and it's lame how?
Kyle: Because- because that's not even entertainment! I mean, it's just, just, rehashing shit, isn't it?? It's like everything these kids are into these days, you know, it's just... rehashed shit!
Scene Description: Commercial for an upcoming concert
Announcer: This Saturday, at the Pepsi Center, it's Women of Rock! Miley Cyrus, Iggy Azalea, Nicki Minaj, and Lorde! [Randy] All on one stage, on one night! With a special appearance by Michael Jackson's Hologram!
MJ Hologram: Hee hee!
Announcer: Ticket proceeds help fight the gluten crisis in West Africa! It's a night of pure, pure estrogen! Tickets on sale now! [TeleChargeIt and TicketMastering info go up]
Scene Description: Randy's garage, night. Randy runs inside to call someone in private
Randy: Yeah, it's me. I told you I can't play the concert!
Record producer: Come on, this is a great lineup.
Randy: Look, I do a lot of post-production enhancements to make my music sound the way it does, okay? I feel like if I play live I'm... really gonna disappoint people. I'm sorry, but the answer is no.
Record producer: I don't think you're really in a position to turn down this kind of gig.
Randy: What is that supposed to mean?
Record producer: I understand your son gave all your savings to Canada.
Randy: Yes, Freemium gaming.
Record producer: I'm sorry. Freemium gaming destroys lives. I lost my father to Candy Crush. [Randy sighs] You need this, Lorde. And the girls out there need you. You've got till tomorrow to think it over. [hangs up. Randy ends the call]
Randy: I love Candy Crush.
Scene Description: The bus stop, day. The boys are there waiting for the bus
Kyle: All I wanted was to play one level of Call of Duty and you know what Ike told me? He said the living room was for old people.
Stan: I don't get it. The whole fun of Call of Duty is that you get to do the shooting.
Kyle: I know! But that doesn't matter any more! These kids don't wanna play the game, they just wanna watch people on YouTube play it. And you know why? Commentary.
Kenny: (Commentary?)
Kyle: Yeah. You used to sit in the living room with family and friends to hear their commentary on things. Now you can get it with a little guy in a window on the screen. Someone who just comments on stuff. I mean, really? Who would even WANT to do that?! [Cartman eyes his phone with Stan and Kenny look at Kyle]
Scene Description: Cartman's room, later. He's set up a YouTube channel and is now broadcasting on it
Cartman: Hey bros, what's going on? This is CartmaaanBrah! Be sure to subscribe to my channel if you haven't already, 'cause subscribing makes you feel good! Uhh, so today I'm gonna comment on Call Of Duty. More specifically, I'm going to comment on my friends commenting on Call Of Duty, so let's start. [a recording of the earlier conversation plays]
Kyle: All I wanted was to play one level of Call of Duty and you know what Ike told me? He said the living room was for old people.
Cartman: That's Kyle the Jew again, talking about Call Of Duty to Stan.
Stan: I don't get it. The whole fun of Call of Duty is that you get to do the shooting.
Cartman: [reaches for some chips and eat them, chuckles, then] Stan is such a douchebag. He just agrees with Kyle no matter what.
Kyle: I know! But that doesn't matter any more! These kids don't wanna play the game, they just wanna watch people on YouTube play it.
Kenny: (Commentary?)
Cartman: There's Kenny commenting on Call of Duty. Kenny! Kenny! SPEAK UP!! SPEAK THROUGH THE HOOD KENNY!
Kyle: Yeah. You used to sit in the living room with family and friends to hear their commentary on things. Now you can get it with a l-
Scene Description: The Marsh house, kitchen. Sharon is washing, Randy is drying, Shelly walks in excitedly
Shelly: Mom, Dad, Kelly and Stacy are going to the Women of Rock concert! Can I go with them?! [anxiously waits for an answer]
Sharon: I don't know, Shelly.
Shelly: But Mom, Lorde is playing! You can't not let me go or I'll hate you forever! [Randy and Sharon turn around]
Randy: Shelly, there's a good chance Lorde isn't goin' to show up.
Shelly: She will too! She has to show up, and if I don't get to see her I'm gonna kill myself!
Randy: And what if you go and Lorde doesn't sound that great in person?
Shelly: That doesn't matter, Dad! We love Lorde because she's real! Gosh, you guys don't understand anything!
Randy: You know, I think Lorde is going to play tomorrow.
Shelly: So can I go or not?!
Randy: If she means that much to you.
Shelly: Okay, yay, thanks, love you guys. [smiles and walks away]
Sharon: Sooo you're doing it? [smiles]
Randy: How can I let her down? Do you mind finishing up here? I think I should practice a little.
Sharon: Of course not. [Randy walks away and out of earshot] Anything to keep you away from cock magic.
Scene Description: Ike's room, later. Ike is still at his computer eating Cheetos
Cartman: Uhh, so today I'm gonna comment on Call Of Duty.
Kyle: [goes into the room] Hey Ike, you wanna come watch TV with me?
Cartman: More specifically, I'm going to comment on my friends commenting on Call Of Duty, so let's start.
Kyle: Oh no! No, Ike! You are not watching him comment on things!
Kyle: All I wanted was to play one level of Call of Duty and you know what Ike told me? He said the living room was for old people.
Cartman: That's Kyle the Jew again, talking about Call Of Duty to Stan.
Kyle: [approaches the monitor] What the fuck?!
Stan: I don't get it. The whole fun of Call of Duty is that you get to do the shooting.
Cartman: [reaches for some chips and eat them, chuckles, then] Stan is such a douchebag. He just agrees with Kyle no matter what.
Kyle: Ike, that is enough! If you're interested in Call of Duty, go play it downstairs in the living room!
Cartman: God these guys are so annoying, aren't they? CartmaaanBrah!
Kyle: But that's all that matter now! It's just all ... and the new celebrity?
Ike: CartmaaanBrah!
Scene Description: The neighborhood park, basketball court, day. Cartman, Stan, and Kenny are playing a game. Cartman has the ball. Kyle runs up, angry
Kyle: What do you think you're doing?!
Cartman: Shooting for a D in a game of Horsedick.
Kyle: You know what I mean! Why is my little brother watching you talking about us talking about him?!
Cartman: I have a YouTube blog where I comment on video games. Big whoop.
Kyle: I don't need Ike listening to you comment on anything!
Stan: What are you talking about?
Kyle: This fat fuck thinks he's PewDiePie! Because of him I can't get Ike to come out of his room!
Cartman: Because of me?! I'm pretty sure I'm not the person who invented "Let's Plays", Kyle.
Kyle: "Let's Plays"?
Cartman: That's what they're called, dude. Get with the times. [turns to the basket and takes his shot. Kyle looks away and down]
Scene Description: The Women of Rock concert at the Pepsi Center, night. Miley Cyrus is performing
Miley Cyrus: There's a party going on and it's all right here, yehhhehehah! Throw my hands in the air while I'm twerkin' this chair There's a party going on and it's all right here, yehhhehehah! And I'm movin' my hands while I'm shakin' my tits.
Stagehand: Alright guys, uh, Miley's about to finish up her set. So next we'll need you, Nicki Minaj, then Iggy Azalea who'll be performing with a hologram of Michael Jackson, and then finally you, Lorde. [walks out of the dressing room backwards] Have a great show, ladies.
Randy: Hey uh, listen, I, I thought I could do this, but it's not gonna work.
Record producer: You're nervous, it's understandable.
Randy: No I'm eh... I know for a fact that I don't sound the same live.
Record producer: You think those people out there care what you sound like? You're just another female pop star. Just go out there, pump your hips and rub your clit.
Randy: Hey! That's not what my music is about! I'm not reducing myself to that!
Iggy: Oh fuck you, Lorde! You think you're so much better than everyone!
Randy: No, I don't, Iggy. I just think that our younger girl fans need something a little more positive as role models.
Iggy: That's easy for you to say because YOU don't have a nice body! Is that why you're so high and mighty, Lorde?! Because you're jealous of this booty?!
Randy: Iggs, I really don't care to go through this again with you.
Iggy: 'Cause let's face it! You got legs that look like a horse!
Randy: Fuck you! [they start fighting and break through a table full of finger food and drinks]
Record producer: Alright that's enough! [breaks up the scuffle and separates the two artists] Look at yourselves!
Iggy: You're an internet bullshit artist, Lorde!
Scene Description: Kyle's house, night. The doorbell rings and Kyle answers it. Stan comes in
Stan: Hey, what's up?
Kyle: You're not gonna believe this.
Stan: Oh no, what now?
Kyle: I wanted to get Ike out of his room, so I invited all his friends over for a slumber party to play Dragon Age: Inquisition.
Stan: Yeah?
Kyle: Come on! [leads Stan upstairs]
Scene Description: Ike's room. There are five other kids beside Ike in his room, and each one is using a tablet or a laptop, so no one is talking. Ike is watching PewDiePie on his monitor
PewDiePie: [giggling] He's just laying there.
Kyle: See? Look at this. Ike has all his friends over and they're just sitting around on their own computers barely talking to each other. Ike is watching PewDiePie play Dragon Age.
PewDiePie: I'm going "Dun dun dadadun dun dadadun."
Kids: [in unison] PewDiePie!
Kyle: And this kid is watching Cartman commenting on people commenting on Dragon Age.
Butters: Well it's a really great game. The characters are so rich.
Cartman: Butters is such a butthole, oh my God! CartmaaanBrah!
Kids: CartmanBrah!
Stan: Dude, video games are meant to be played in a living room, not something to watch people comment on!
Conner: Okay Grandpa, we'll be sure to keep that in mind. [the kids laugh]
Stan: Grandpa?
Kyle: This is how they talk to us! [to Conner] You'd better watch your mouth, kid!
Kid 1: Yeah Conner, we're supposed to respect our elders, remember?
Kid 2: It's best to just make old people think they matter.
Stan: Oh, is that right?! Do you even know how to multiply?!
Kid 2: No sir. Thank goodness we have you to do that. [Ike laughs at PewDiePie's gameplay]
Stan: We're not being grandpas! Your guys's stuff is just seriously lame! Our generation's stuff is cool!
PewDiePie: Oh my God I killed him!
Scene Description: Back at the Pepsi Center, Iggy Azalea is performing.
Iggy: Missy who who? That's all I do is rip off Missy. Missy who? Missy who? Missy who? Missy who, who? Missy who, who? Alright bitches and hos, via hologram and shit, Michael Jackson! [two men from the Syntech Hologram Company get ready]
Tech 1: And, cue the hologram! [a bunch of special lights come on and produce the hologram, and the hologram performs Michael's signature moves. The crowd goes wild as Michael's music plays. The hologram moonwalks like Michael did]
MJ Hologram: Hee hee. [as the crowd roars, Iggy starts twerking to the hologram]
Randy: They shouldn't rehash dead people. It's so wrong.
Nicki: Oh Lorde, you're such a purist.
Randy: Can't help it, Nick. Can't help feeling like... we're losing something.
Scene Description: Wendy: The Wendy Williams Show, now on air. Wendy comes out in a blue dress and black jacket
Wendy: Hi everybody. I love you!
Audience: Thanks for loving me. I love you too.
Wendy: So I guess there's this new trend with young people where the celebrities they look up to most are YouTube commentators. Just ordinary people who sit in front of a mic and blab their opinions about everything while their mindless loyal followers cheer them on. Isn't that crazy?? [the audience cheers in agreement] Well let's meet one of these stars of the internet. Please welcome CartmanBrah! [Instead of Cartman himself appearing on the couch, Cartman's commenter window pops up - he's doing this via satellite]
Cartman: CartmaaanBrah!
Wendy: So can you explain to our audience members over the age of five what it is that you DO?
Cartman: Well, Wendy, I started by talking about people talking about video games, but now I'm branching out into talking about people talking about music and the arts as well.
Wendy: And why do you think young people-?
Cartman: CartmaaanBrah!
Wendy: ...Why do you think young people are responding to this? [Cartman mocks the question by asking it back in nonsense syllables] I'm asking you a question! [Cartman continues with the nonsense replies]
Cartman: CartmaaanBrah! CartmanBrah! Be sure to subscribe to my channel, brahs.
Scene Description: Back at the Pepsi Center, the MC is about to introduce Lorde. The crowd cheers loudly
MC: And now, give it up for the girl from New Zealand, LORDE!
Randy: Thank you! Thanks a lot! This is for all the royals out there! [begins playing an acoustic guitar. Shelly is in the audience with Kelly and Stacy] Lorde Looorde. I'm Lorde, ya ya ya-a-a. Sittin' on the toilet thinkin' 'bout how I'm not as rich as other people, ya ya ya. [the cheering dies down] Yaa ya ya ya, I'll never be, I'll never by royalty. Ya ya ya. But that'd be nice 'cause that'd be a nice fantaasy. [the mood of the audience begins to change] Women's bathrooms smell so nice, ya ya ya. Ya ya ya. [the audience begins to boo] And we'll never be- Lorde Lorde Lor- Lorde flushing- Lordy Lordy Lorde. Lor-uh, okay, uh. [turns right and the mic falls to the ground] Oh God. Sorry. [bends over to pick up the mic...] Uh hold on.[...but drops the guitar instead. The boos intensify] Hang on, uh. [to bail Lorde out of this mess, the technicians bring Michael's hologram back to the stage]
MJ Hologram: Hee hee. [the hologram runs through the audience] I'm free! I'm free!
Randy: [dusts himself off] Sorry folks, just one second here.
Scene Description: The Pepsi Center entrance. Michael's hologram runs through the metal detector and begins to dance. Security guards are hot on his tail
MJ Hologram: Hee hee. Dah dadit dat ja!
Guard 1: Stop him. [another guard tries to grab the hologram, but realizes it can't be done. The hologram leaves the Center. The guards run out after it, and a guard guard gets on his walkie-talkie]
Guard 1: Michael Jackson's hologram is on the loose!
MJ Hologram: [leaving the parking area] Hee hee!
Scene Description: The Pepsi Center stage. Lorde is still on stage getting booed.
Randy: Ah ya ya. Okay, uh. Ah ya ya ya ya-a-a-a. [the boos don't stop, and Randy's vision becomes prismatic] Okay, uh, uh... [steps aside and begins to simulate rubbing his "clit"] Oooo![hops onto the car on stage and continues the simulation] Oh yeah! Oh my clit! Oh yeah! Oooo yeah, flick that bean, yeah! [the boos are replaced by disgust. Shelly and friends are disappointed]
Fan: Ogh! Lorde, ewww!
Randy: Oh, I'm so horny, yeah! Ooo, fuck, my clit's so big! Oooo! [fans begin to walk out of the concert]
Scene Description: The Marsh house, dining room. Sharon, Randy, and Stan are having dinner
Randy: Could you um, pass the potatoes, Stan? [Stan reaches to his left and passes the potatoes to Randy] Great, thanks. [serves himself some potatoes] Well, nobody's talking. Does anyone have anything to talk about?
Stan: Why'd you have to rub your clit on stage, Dad?
Randy: I was told to!
Sharon: You were told to walk out in front of a hundred thousand people including little girls who look up to you, and start rubbing your clit.
Randy: Okay, hold on! A, I don't have a clit, so technically, I wasn't rubbing anything! And B, I didn't want to even perform tonight, but Stanley gave all our money to Canada through a freemium game, so if anyone rubbed their clit, it was him! [Stan hisses and leaves the table. Sharon just leaves. Some time later, Randy drops in on Shelly in her room and sees her crying on her bed, face down. He then notices that the Lorde poster on the wall is in tatters and ripped in half. Randy leaves and closes the door softly]
Scene Description: Kyle's house, day. Kyle walks around a darkened living room, rubbing his left hand along the coffee table, then along the TV, and he finds them dusty
Kyle: It's dying. The living room is... dying.
Scene Description: Randy's garage, night. Randy enters to talk to the record producer on the phone in private
Randy: Yeah, it's me. I need to fix this. How can I undo the clit-rubbing?
Record producer: What are you talking about? It's great! You're the most commented-on artist in the world right now! You're blowing up twitter and you're trending on CartmanBrah. #clitnubbin
Randy: Look, this isn't what I want! My music is supposed to be-
Record producer: It's not about the music, Lorde! It never was. It's about comments! And sister, you've got 'em!
Randy: This ends now. I'm gonna tell people the truth.
Scene Description: The Rockies, day. A South Park City Transit bus is going to town, and Michael's hologram is in it. Everyone is on their iPhones or iPads
Passenger: Will you look at that? Everyone on their cell phones, nobody sayin' a word to each other. Call me a grandpa, but I still like commenting face to face with folks. You know what I mean, buddy?
MJ Hologram: Yes.
Passenger: You're headin' up to the mountains too, huh? Gonna do some skiin'?
MJ Hologram: No, I just need to... take care of some im-, important business.
Passenger: Oh, what kind of business? Oh are you a fisherman?
MJ Hologram: Yes. I mean, yes, that's all. I'm, I'm just gonna fish and hunt.
Passenger: Oh, you're a hunter? What do you prey upon?
MJ Hologram: [stands up] Nobody! That's ignorant!
Passenger: Well, you must have a favorite kind of prey?
MJ Hologram: Allegedly! Allegedly! That's ignorant!
Passenger: You know, excuse me for saying so, but you seem kind of... transparent.
MJ Hologram: ...That's ignorant. I'm just cold.
Passenger: I'm saying it must make it easier to sneak up on your prey.
MJ Hologram: Allegedly! I'm weary of this conversation! Can we please stop talking, please?! Ignorant!
Passenger: [looks him over] Well, whatever it is you're after, I hope you get it.
MJ Hologram: Oh I will. Trust me, I will. [The bus enters South Park.]
Scene Description: The Syntech Hologram Company, day. The record producer is with the tech working on the hologram problem
Tech 2: Ah, we've lost any ability to track the hologram's location. Ih...it looks like it reprogrammed its guidance systems.
Record producer: We paid a lot of money for that hologram. You'd better find a way to get it back!
Tech 3: Project Alpha?
Tech 4: Yes. That might be our only option.
Record producer: What is Project Alpha?
Tech 4: The first hologram we ever created to appear on stage. It was a prototype. But perhaps the best thing to stop a hologram-
Tech 3: Is another hologram. Bring up Project Alpha!
Tech 2: Sir, are you sure that we wanna-?
Tech 3: Bring it up! [Tech 2 gets to work. Everyone turns around and watches as the hologram is assembled]
Record producer: What is that?
Tech 3: Tupac.
Tech 4: [approaches the hologram] Tupac? [the hologram is activated] Yo. The hologram of Michael Jackson is on the loose. We need you to "take care of the situation." [the hologram takes out a Glock hologram and cocks it, then he walks forward, then turns left and walks out]
Tech 3: Godspeed, Tupac.
Scene Description: The Syntech Hologram Company, outside. Tupac crosses the street and a car almost runs him down. The couple inside is in shock
Man: Oh my gosh, honey look it's Tupac! I told you them homies didn't cap his ass! [Tupac opens the driver's door, pulls the driver out and throws him to the ground, then gets into the driver's seat and takes off with the car and driver's wife. The driver gets up and pulls out his phone] Oh, this is going on Instagram! [takes the picture]
Scene Description: The bus stop, day. Cartman's commenter window is there in his place
Cartman: Hey hey, how's it going, bros? This is CartmanBrah. CartmaaanBrah. And uhh, we are, it looks like we are at the bus stop now. [the other three boys walk into view] Yep, there's Kyle, Stan and Kenny looking stupid as ever.
Kyle: I don't know what the hell to do. The whole world's gone crazy.
Stan: Tell me about it.
Cartman: Uh oh, it looks like Kyle is taking issue with something again. Kyle's got a pro-blem. CartmanBrah!
Kyle: You know, you used to sit in the living room with your friends and family, and THEY were the ones commenting on whatever was on TV.
Cartman: [exasperated] Oh God.
Kyle: [notices the commenter window above the bus stop sign] Do you mind?!
Cartman: Oh, looks like Kyle is commenting on my commenter window, bras! Be sure to comment on that. #kyleisgettingfrustrated
Kyle: Dude! Nobody wants to hear you commenting on things!
Cartman: Oh really. Ten thousand subscribers and counting, brah!
Scene Description: Buca de Faggoncini, day. Randy goes inside. The record producer is waiting for him at a table. Randy approaches, but doesn't sit down.
Randy: Thanks for seeing me. I've got my speech written. I'm ready to let the world know the truth. [the producer puts down his fork and wipes his lips off with a napkin.]
Record producer: Sit down, Lorde.
Randy: I'm not interested in being talked out of ending this. It's the right thing to do.
Record producer: [stands up and walks to a nearby bar] Do you know what an artist is now, Lorde? An artist is a conversation piece, nothing more. [pours himself a drink] Like a vase, or a kitschy side table. Just something for people to comment on. [turns around] The old ways are dying. We're not making money off records, we're making money off tweets. And you've taken it to a whole new level.
Randy: Well that's not a world Lorde ever wanted to be a part of.
Record producer: On the contrary. Lorde is going on the Jimmy Fallon show tonight and exposing her asshole for everyone to freak out about.
Randy: I'll do no such thing!
Record producer: Who said anything about you? [whips out a small remote control and presses a button on it. Some lasers turn on and assemble a new hologram. It's Lorde's hologram. It walks up to the producer and stands beside him. Randy is frightened and takes several steps back. Two bodyguards appear behind him, and he notices. The producer closes the blinds]
Randy: You can't just replace artists with holograms. Who will make the content?
Record producer: Today, commentary IS the content. And you, I'm afraid, are just in the way. [the bodyguards quickly escort him out]
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Mr. Garrison wipes off the previous night's work from the blackboard.
Mr. Garrison: Okay children, let's take our seats. Before we get started, Kyle has asked to say a few words. Go ahead, Kyle.
Kyle: [walks up to the front of the class and turns around. He reads from a sheet of paper] What is happening to our living rooms? There is a crisis in America, and-
Cartman: [his commenter window pops up] Looks like we're in the school now. Check out Wendy, she's flat as a pancake.
Mr. Garrison: What the hell is that?
Kyle: It's Cartman's stupid online persona!
Cartman: Oh my dick's gettin hard again! It's protrudin' out my paaaaants!
Mr. Garrison: What the hell?
Cartman: This is the way of the future, Mr. Garrison.
Butters: It's true!
Cartman: Heh that's right, Butters will back me up on anything. He's such a bitch.
Butters: Heheyehah.
Kyle: There is a crisis in America! As families grow further and further apart-
Cartman: [mocking] There is a crisis in America. and we have to save our living rooms. Our living rooms are dying.
Kyle: Mr. Garrison, will you make him stop!
Mr. Garrison: I don't- I don't even understand what's happening.
Kyle: THIS is the reason why our living rooms are dying!
Cartman: [mocking] This is the reason why our living rooms are dying, so we've got to do something.
Mr. Mackey: Eric Cartman's commenter window to the principal's office, please? Eric Cartman's commenter window to the principal's office!
Cartman: What the hell did I do?
Scene Description: Principal Victoria's office, later.
Principal Victoria: Eric, I've had a lot of complaints that your online persona is becoming a distraction.
Cartman: Well this sucks. Looks like I'm in the principal's office for just commenting on things.
Principal Victoria: Eric, I am talking to YOU!
Cartman: Adults so don't get what's cool anymore.
Scene Description: The Marsh house. Randy rushes in through the front door
Randy: Sharon? Sharon!
Sharon: [comes down the stairs in her bath robe] Randy? What's going on?
Randy: They made a hologram of me, Sharon! They don't care about the music! They're REPLACING us!
Sharon: Oh my God! You mean, I just slept with a hologram?
Randy: The hologram's in our bedroom?
Sharon: Yes!
Tupac's Hologram: I've gotta be leavin' now, Sharon. I would leave you my number but I'm just a hologram 'n shit.
Randy: You slept with Tupac?! SHARON!
Scene Description: The record producer's limousine, back seat. Cartman's commenter window is there with the record producer
Record producer: It's a brave new world, starting much sooner than we thought. What we need is someone who truly gets the changing of the guard. We have an army of holograms poised to start the next chapter in American culture. How would you like to be in charge of it all?
Cartman: [in his commenter window] Ohohoh, totally, brah! So sweet. Being in charge of stuff rules! CartmaaanBrah!
Record producer: Glad you feel that way. We have a lot to do together. We're about to take this to a whole new level.
Cartman: Ooohh, I love whole new levels! This is gonna be so totally awesome! CartmaaanBrah!


Scene Description: Kyle's house, a snowy day. He's preparing for Hanukkah, setting up the menorah with nine candles. He's lit the second candle, for the second day of Hanukkah, then takes a selfie of himself and the menorah
Kyle: It's the holiday season, but the good times... are ending. Because what matters most isn't what's good, it's what's trending. [leaves the menorah and stops by Ike's room, and looks in] This younger generation, with their eyes and ears glued: What's trending to them is trenders who trend on YouTube. [Ike is watching "Dragon Age: Inquisition" on his computer while eating Flamin' Hot Cheetos]
Cartman: [his commenter window pops up on screen] Ahem, how's it going brahs? This is CartmaaanBrah!
Kyle: Comments on commentators, it's all changing so fast. Playing XBox with your brother is... just a thing of the past. [Kyle looks at the floor, turns back and walks away. he stops by the kitchen, then by his dad's study. Gerald takes a selfie with his pet project: a model of a ship] Now with Ma on her iPad, and Dad trending or trying, All the family is scattered, and the living room's dying. [he walks through the living room, then stops and looks around] Because it wasn't the outdoors or church or even trips to go ski, [he looks at the TV and walks up to it] What brought families together most was a good old TV [he walks through the park with his head down] Now we watch things by ourselves and just tweet what we saw. [he sees a little girl on a bench looking at her iPhone] And if you try to complain, you get called a-
Girl: Grandpa!
Kyle: I'm NOT a GRANDPA!
Kyle: [Now at his own desk] But now let me tweet this for you all to comment upon. [The following is the tweet] The more connected we get, the more alone we become. If you want change like I do, and feel the same gloom, Then please follow THIS trend, #savethelivingroom [finishes the tweet but doesn't submit it yet. He's wearing a tee shirt with #savethelivingroom on it]
Kyle: Whattaya think?
Butters: Hmmm, it's kind of gay.
Kyle: Really??
Butters: I mean, havin' it all rhyme 'n stuff, you know?
Kyle: Hm, I wasn't really going for "gay," I was more going for "wholesome."
Butters: Well, gay is wholesome.
Kyle: But it's gotta be perfect. We're trending well, but we need to attract more followers who want good old family values.
Sheila: [knocks, then enters] Kyle, Bill Cosby is here to see you.
Kyle: Bill Cosby.
Sheila: Yes.
Kyle: Is here. To see me.
Sheila: Yes. [turns around and leaves]
Scene Description: The living room, moments later. Kyle and Butters come downstairs and see Bill
Bill Cosby: Oh! There he is comin' down the stairs.
Kyle: Hello.
Bill Cosby: Hello, son. Your savethelivingroom hash tag is getting a lot of attention and we think it's great.
Kyle: We?
Bill Cosby: I'm just a small part of a big epic holiday special, which is gonna air this weekend. [notices how dusty the TV is and wipes some of the dust off with his right hand] It's a shame how families don't gather in their living rooms like they used to, and we think a big holiday special is just the thing America needs now.
Kyle: Wow. [smiles] Well that's awesome!
Bill Cosby: Well the producers of the show saw how much your idea was trending and thought we should get your hash-tag on board with ours.
Kyle: M-Ah, I'd love to.
Bill Cosby: Great! I'll go right now and tell them you're on board. We've gotta do this quickly!
Kyle: Uh okay! No problem! [Bill lets himself out]
Bill Cosby: This holiday special is gonna bring families together again, son!
Kyle: Uh thanks, Mr. Cosby!
Bill Cosby: Happy Holidays! [Kyle closes the door, and Bill's glitch appears as he walks away - this Bill is a hologram]
Scene Description: Park County Police Station. Detective Harries is grilling Randy and Sharon on their story.
Det. Harris: Mr. Marsh, forgive me if I say your story sounds a little farfetched. You're saying that these people who what you killed are entertainment producers?
Randy: Yes, they made a copy of me and they don't want me around anymore. They're about to do something big, and they need famous artists to be controlled for it.
Officer 1: [with mustache] Who's the famous artist?
Randy: Me! Oh right, I forgot to tell you that part. I'm actually Lorde.
Det. Harris: You're Lorde.
Sharon: The nineteen year old pop star. It's true, that's him.
Officer 1: You mean the girl who just showed her asshole on Jimmy Fallon?
Randy: No! That was a copy of me!
Officer 2: Right. The thing that I jacked off to was you! Huh! [bemused smile which quickly fades.]
Randy: Look, I don't know what they're up to, but these people have something much darker planned!
Officer 3: [runs into the station] Detective Harris! Sir! We've got a problem!
Det. Harris: [turns around] What is it, Adams?
Adams: [Officer 3] We've arrested a black man who was snooping around the old Jefferson estate!
Det. Harris: Did you choke him?
Adams: Yes!
Det. Harris: Did you shoot him?
Adams: YES!
Det. Harris: So what's the problem?
Adams: He... appears to be just a hologram, sir.
MJ's Hologram: [brought in by another officer, somehow handcuffed] Naw, it's ignorant! You don't understand! We have to stop them! Heee hee!
Det. Harris: Oh my God. Are you sure that hologram is black??
Scene Description: Stan's house, day. The doorbell rings and he answers it. It's Kyle.
Kyle: [excitedly] Dude, what are you doing?!
Stan: [texting] Trying to find my dad. He's supposed to take me to the board game store.
Kyle: They picked up my hash tag, Stan! I'm trending!
Stan: Who did?
Kyle: These producers making a big holiday special! [goes to the TV and wipes it clean] They had me upload a video for a commercial they're about to air! They said my hash tag was awesome, and they wanted to promote it!
Stan: That's a little strange, isn't it?
Kyle: No, it's great! It's just what this country needs right now!
Scene Description: The commercial begins
Announcer: From the producers of Women Of Rock Live and The Rockefeller Tree Lighting Ceremony, it's the holiday television event of the season! With appearances by [the guest stars are shown as they're mentioned] Al Pacino [on a sled going down a hill] Iggy Azalea [wearing a black and white outfit, with her ass dressed up as a snowman] J.J. Watt [clutching a reindeer] Miley Cyrus [dressed as an elf, swinging from a huge Christmas ornament and sticking her tongue out] U2 [presenting gifts] Angelina Jolie [dressed as an elf and scratching her crotch] Bill Cosby and Taylor Swift [he offers her a drink, she declines it] A hologram of Elvis Presley [a National Enquire tabloid drops down to reveal him, then a bigfoot appears behind him] Kurt Cobain's hologram [pops up from a chimney and waves hello with his hat] The hologram of Robin Williams [wearing reindeer horns and festive clothes, pops his clown nose off] Tom Hanks, Lorde [he holds up a mistletoe as her hologram turns around] First Lady Michelle Obama [licks a huge candy cane] And Michael Jackson's hologram as Peter Pan.
MJ's hologram: [flits through the air] I'm flying! Hee dah dada dat dih
Announcer: And featuring live commentary the entire show by CartmanBrah.
Cartman: CartmaaanBrah! Dude, check it out. Lady Gaga is singing Christmas songs. Isn't she a Jew?
Announcer: There's something for every generation to bring families together.
Kyle: Please, tune in and help get America's families back in the living room.
Cartman: He's such a douchebag.
Announcer: It's all live and it's all magical. It's the Washington Redskins Go Fuck Yourself Holiday Special.
Cartman: Now we're talkin'! [the commenter window disappears and Stan and Kyle are stunned]
Kyle: That son of a bitch!
Stan: That self-promoting asshole!
Kyle: Why would he do this?!
Stan: Because my dad's an idiot!
Kyle: Not your dad, Cartman! What's your dad got to do with this?!
Stan: Nnnothing, nothing.
Scene Description: The record producer's office, day. CartmanBrah is there with the other executives in the office
Cartman: Ehey hey, how's it going bros? This is CartmaaanBrah! And it looks like we're in the producer's office in Los Angeles now. [eats some chips]
Exec. 1: So far the holiday special is trending fine, but it appears that the Michael Jackson hologram is the most heavily tweeted.
Record producer: And we still have no idea where the damned hologram is?
Ron: Not yet, but Tupac is close to hunting him down.
Cartman: Look at that guy. He's like 40, but he's got a Justin Bieber haircut.
Record producer: We got one shot at this, people! This [pounds his fist on the table] has to be the holiday special to end all holiday specials!
Ron: Sir, I get that you brought this YouTube commentator in because he's popular with the younger kids, but now he's trying to tell us what the show should be called??
Record producer: He's got his finger on the pulse of young America.
Exec. 2: Sir, I'm pretty sure that [reads from his phone] "Washington Redskins Go Fuck Yourself Holiday Special" is not a good name.
Cartman: No, it's not good, it's fuckin' awesome!
Ron: [leans in] If I may be frank, sir, I think you're giving this kid a little too much power!
Cartman: I can hear you, douchebag.
Record producer: People, you know what we're trying to do here. [leaves his desk and paces the room] We're trying to finally create entertainment that reaches the younger generation, that unites the young with the old. That means being hip, being now.
Cartman: These guys are such blumpkin catchers.
Record producer: There, you see that? "Blumpkin catchers." Do any of you even know what that means? This kid is our way to connect with the youth of America, and I'm gonna give him all the power he needs.
Cartman: G'dang g'dang! G'dang g'dang g'dank!
Scene Description: Park County Police Station. Harris goes over skin color with the other cops and some color swatches. Randy, Sharon, and MJ's hologram are at the far end of the office space
Officer 4: What about this, sir? Burnt sienna?
Det. Harris: He's not a Native American, damnit! That's obvious!
Officer 1: I'll, I'll put it in the report he's Mylar brown.
Det. Harris: That isn't even close! We have to be able to prove that hologram is a light-skinned black guy!
Randy: Mr. Jackson, it's me, Lorde.
MJ's hologram: Who? Lorde? You're not Lorde, that's ignorant.
Randy: Please. Do you know what's going on here? What are the producers trying to do?
MJ's hologram: They're gonna make a big holiday special. They've got holograms and YouTube commentators and live tweeting and it's ignorant! It's gonna be the most ignorant holiday special ever!
Randy: A holiday special. Oh my God.
MJ's hologram: It's directed at children! We have to stop them!
Officer 4: Huh how about we say he's mixed race?
Det. Harris: As long as Adams only choked the black half, I think it's okay.
Randy: [to Sharon] I should have known. Bastards always talked about a day when social media and entertainment would be fused as one! I didn't know they meant a Christmas special! [to MJ's hologram] Can you help me stop them?!
MJ's hologram: Yes. We have to reach the children. It's our only hope.
Randy: Then we'll do it together. I love children just as much as you do.
MJ's hologram: [stands up] ALLEGEDLY! [the officers look at him] THAT WAS A CIVIL SUIT AND THERE WAS NO EVIDENCE! [sits down] It's ignorant.
Scene Description: Kyle's house. He stops by the kitchen with Stan as Sheila reads her iPad
Kyle: Mom?! Where is Ike?!
Sheila: Oh Kyle! Your hash tag is really trending. I saw the commercial.
Kyle: That's not what I was trending! They took my hash tag and they raped it! Where is Ike?!
Sheila: He's upstairs playing with all his friends.
Scene Description: Ike's room. Kyle and Stan rush inside
PewDiePie: Oh my God, that's the ugliest...
Kyle: Ike! You are no longer to watch that stupid little YouTube blogging asshole! Do you understand?! You damn kids following these YouTube commentators is bad enough, but i will not have them invading my living room!
Kid 2: Old people are so funny.
Conner: They really just don't get it.
Kid 3: And they smell like soap.
Stan: We're not old people! You guys are just into lame, vulgar crap, and it needs to be stopped!
Kid 4: Careful Grandpa, you might crap your Depends! [the kids laugh, even Ike]
Kyle: WE'RE NOT BEING GRANDPAS!
Stan: Yeah, you damn kids!
PewDiePie: ...that's the lamest...
Scene Description: Park County Police Station, upstairs. The officers still haven't come to a conclusion about MJ's hologram
Det. Harris: Okay, okay, so we're agreeing the hologram is black. So the question is, if he's black, then how come we couldn't choke him?
Scene Description: Park County Police Station, front office. A police officer stands behind the front desk. The doors open and in walks Tupac's hologram
Front Desk Officer: Can I help you? [the hologram looks at him and moves away] Eh-excuse me. Can I help you? [the hologram moves deeper into the building. A security camera shows him walking down a hallway. The front desk officer runs into the office] Sir? A black guy walked into the police station!
Det. Harris: Heh, uh huh? [looks at the officer and grins]
Front Desk Officer: Well a, a black guy walked into the police station.
Det. Harris: [chuckling, anticipating a joke] Yeah? Wait. Mitchell, listen to this one. [Mitchell appears in the background] Start over: what's the setup?
Front Desk Officer: There's this black guy, walked into the police station.
Mitchell: Oh yeah, I think I've heard it, but go ahead.
Front Desk Officer: No, really, a black guy walked into the-!
Mitchell: Ohhh ya ya ya? "We set who free?"
Front Desk Officer: No no, a black guy literally walked into the police station!
Det. Harris: Oh, it's a new one. [Tupac's hologram walks in] Aw, shit! Look out! [the officers quickly draw their weapons]
Officer 4: It's a black guy! Choke him!
Det. Harris: Shoot him!
Officer 4: Shoot him and then choke him! [the front desk officer shoots the hologram, but the bullet just goes through and disrupts the hologram's structural integrity. The officer tries to choke the hologram, but the arms just go through it]
MJ's hologram: He's here to kill us! Run!! Heee heee! [they escape while the officers shoot at Tupac's hologram. They go down the fire escape unnoticed]
Scene Description: Cartman's house. Kyle and Stan walk up to his room. Kyle tries to open the door, but finds it locked. He then pounds on the door
Kyle: Cartman, open this door right now!
Cartman: [his commenter window pops up] Hahaha, look at kyle, brahs. he's all pissed off. CartmaanBrah!
Kyle: What the hell are you doing?!
Cartman: What's it look like I'm doing? I'm trending, Kyle. I'm trending more than I ecer thought possible.
Kyle: Come out here and talk to me face to face! Open this door!
Cartman: How do you even know I'm here in my room?
Kyle: Because you just said, "here in my room"!
Cartman: ...Very impressive, Kyle. But the holiday special is beginning soon. I'm afraid I can't let there be any distractions. [Kyle tries breaking his way into the room] You will find that my door has been sealed with a 3/4 inch plywood and a polymer-metal alloy secured with drewall screws. [Kyle stops]
Stan: Cartman, please! We have to stop this show! Lorde is going to do something horrible and corrupt little girls everywhere!
Cartman: Why does that matter?
Stan: Because Lorde is my dad, alright?! [walks forward as his anger drains away] Lorde is my dad.
Cartman: What?
Kyle: What are you talking about, Stan?
Stan: He does it all with computers and processors... He got discovered on the Internet. He's like the PewDiePie of music. And he played live last week. Rubbed his clit and started trending more than ever. I thought he had learned his lesson... but it's like he doesn't care.
Cartman: Sorry guys, I gotta go. The world needs CartmanBrah. [the commenter window disappears]
Kyle: Why didn't you tell me, Stam? I would've helped.
Stan: It just all seemed so... stupid.
Kyle: I'll call the producers of the show. They'll help you find your dad.
Scene Description: Meanwhile, at the Marsh house. Randy, Sharon, and MJ's hologram enter the house and sit on the sofa
Sharon: See if it started!
Randy: We don't really use this thing anymore. [grabs the remote and turns on the TV] It hasn't started yet! Alright, Sharon, get on your computer upstairs! Mr. Jackson, you can take the one in my son's room! We've got to tell people the truth!
Sharon: [puts her hand on Randy's shoulder] Randy, what about Shelly?
Randy: Oh my God...
MJ's hologram: Shelly? Who's Shelly? That's ignorant.
Randy: My daughter... She has no idea that I'm Lorde... I can't let her find out from the Internet. I have to tell her the truth before we all tell the world.
Sharon: How are you going to tell her that the singer she's idolized has been you?
Randy: I guess... one step at a time.
Scene Description: Shelly's room, moments later. Randy knocks on her door, then looks in. Shelly is looking at her monitor
Randy: Shelly? Um, I'm Lorde. [she sits up a little] All the music you've really been into has been me. Nobody in the family knew except for your mother. And your brother, and your grandpa. But Michael Jackson's hologram is here and we're going to set the record straight, Okay? Love you. [blows her a kiss and closes the door, then to Michael's hologram]Whew, that was hard.
Sharon: RANDY?! [Randy and Michael's hologram head downstairs]
Scene Description: The living room. The men reach the foot of the stairs
Sharon: It's started.
Announcer: And now, Nabisco and Dolly Madison present, The Washington Redskins Go Fuck Yourself Holiday Special! [CartmanBrah appears in a window at upper left of the screen] And now, live via hologram, it's Kurt Cobain. [he appears in a Christmas fireplace setting]
Cartman: Oh, this should be good.
Kurt's hologram: [begins to sing] Up on the housetop, reindeer pause out jumps good ole Santa Claus
Cartman: I'm sure this is exactly how Kurt Cobain would want to be remembered.
Kurt's hologram: Down through the chimney with lots of toys All for the little ones, girls and boys [reaches to his left for a double-barreled shotgun and waves it around as if marching] Ho ho ho, who wouldn't go Yeh-he-he-eah who wouldn't go [loads and cocks the shotgun] Up on the housetop clickity click click [aims it at his mouth as if to shoot himself] Down through the chimney with good St. Nick? [waves it around again, then stops]
Cartman: Hoh, this should get some comments. [Kurt's hologram fires the rifle and a small flag saying "Merry Christmas" pops out. He grins]
Scene Description: The control room. Ron is in charge
Ron: Stand by on camera 4. Boost the live Twitter feed. Aaand cue the hash tag! How are we trending?
Controller 1: Trending at 64% and steady.
Ron: [on the phone with the producer] We're trending at 64%, sir.
Scene Description: Buca de Faggoncini. The record producer is having dinner
Record producer: Excellent. I'm just about to deal with our last order of business now.
Kyle: [walks into the restaurant and towards the producer with Stan] Thanks for seeing us, sir. My friend is really worried about his dad.
Record producer: No no, thank you! [wipes his lips clean] If you hadn't called, I... wouldn't know what I know now. [gets up and walks towards the bar, dialing a number in the process]
Stan: Um, l-look ih if I could just talk to him real quick? I wanna try and stop him from making an ass of himself again.
Record producer: It's me. I've got somethin' you might be interested in.
Randy: [on the line in the master bedroom] I don't think so, you son of a bitch! [Sharon and Michael's hologram are also there]
Record producer: I've got your son here, Lorde. If you don't cooperate, he dies.
Stan: What?? [both he and Kyle are scared]
Randy: Stanley?! YOU LEAVE HIM OUT OF THIS!
Scene Description: The living room. Randy runs downstairs with Sharon following
Sharon: Randy, where are you going?!
Randy: THEY'VE GOT STAN! JUST STAY HERE WITH MICHAEL JACKSON! [just as he reaches the front door, it opens and Tupac's hologram walks in] SHIT!! [runs to the back door.]
Scene Description: Out front, at least 14 police cruisers and one tank roll up to the house. Some of them drift into position. Officers jump out of the cars and arm themselves.
Det. Harris: [on his bullhorn] All right, listen up! We believe this is where the black people are! They're holograms, so we can't choke them or shoot them, so stand by till we figure out what the hell to do!
Officer 5: [runs up] Sir! You'd better see this! [holds out a phone, which Detective Harris looks at] There's something new trending! #copscantgoaroundchokingblackpeople.
Det. Harris: We know we can't, but we're trying to! Jesus, tell them we're workiing on it!
Officer 6: No, sir, I I think they mean we shouldn't. Like we're racist or something.
Det. Harris: What?! We're not racists.
Peterson: Sir, we've got confirmation. There's two black guys in the upstairs of the house!
Det. Harris: [turns around anticipating another joke] Uh huh, go ahead.
Peterson: Two black guys. One of them is threatening the other one.
Det. Harris: Yehah? Hang on! Mitch! [Mitchell appears again] Two black guys in the upstairs of the house. One of them is threatening the other one. [to Peterson] Okay, go ahead.
Scene Description: Back at the holiday special
Announcer: And now, together at last, Iggy Azalea and Elvis. [Elvis' hologram is playing the ukulele]
Cartman: Oh bros, weak!
Elvis' Hologram: Have a jolly holly Christmas
Iggy's Ass: It's the best time of the pfffffffft.
Elvis' Hologram: I don't know if there'll be snow but have a cup of
Iggy's Ass: Pfffffffft
Cartman: Oh weak, bros, so weak!
Scene Description: Back at the control room. Ron has his back to the monitors
Controller 2: It's incredible! I've never seen trending like this!
Ron: [turns around] We're trending well?
Controller 1: We're barely trending at all. But #ihatecartmanbrah is trending off the charts!
Controller 2: He's right. ihatecartmanbrah is trending at 96% and climbing.
Ron: That's impossible.
Scene Description: Back at Buca de Faggoncini, the record producer pours himself another drink
Kyle: How can you be willing to kill people for a holiday special? What's wrong with you?
Record producer: It was five years ago that I... became a grandpa. At first it was wonderful. I wanted to show my grandson everything. Teach him all about the entertainment business. One day I aasked him, "Who's your favorite celebrity?" You know what he said to me? He said, "PeewwDiePie." I had no idea who [turns around] he was talking about. So I looked it up. And he was this insignificant little game blogger from Sweden who my grandson thought was a god! No matter who else I tried to impress him with, he would just say, "Meh." To me! MEH! [turns back to the bar] What the hell is wrong with these kids today?? With this special, we will assimilate this generation's culture into ours! MAKE THEM APPRECIATE REAL ENTERTAINMENT, DAMNIT! [pounds theh bar with his fist]
Stan: Dude. You're such a grandpa.
Record producer: [angrily clears everything off the bar] I AM NOT A GRANDPAAA!
Scene Description: Back at the holiday special, it's Bill Cosby and Taylor Swift in the second duet
Taylor: Well I guess it's time to leave.
Bill's hologram: Oh but it's snowin' out dere.
Taylor: Yeah but I need to get home.
Bill's hologram: But it's snowin' out dere.
Taylor: I really should go
Bill's hologram: Oh what's the hurry?
Taylor: Say, what's in this drink?'
Bill's hologram: That's just some J-E-L-L-O.
Taylor: The holidays are comin'-
Dad: This is the oddest holiday special I've ever seen.
Mom: Maybe we should turn it off.
Cartman: [his commenter window appears] Oh wow, where are we now, brahs? [the family looks at him] This looks pretty stupid.
Dad: What the heck? [tries to turn the TV off, but it won't turn off]
Cartman: CartmaanBrah!
Dad: [smacks the remote on his left hand a few times] This damn TV! What is that window doing outside the holiday special?! [tries turning the TV off again]
Mom: Call customer service.
Scene Description: Customer service, Steve answering
Steve: Panasonic customer service. How can I help you?
Dad: Yeah, we've got a commenter window in our living room. How do I get rid of that?
Steve: Ohhhh yes yes yes yes. Many people are calling about this. We have NO idea what's going on. Have I answered all your questions in a timely manner?
Cartman: [his commenter window appears] Oho, looks like we've reached customer service, brahs. Now we can truly be everywhere!
Scene Description: The holiday special control room
Ron: This isn't part of the holiday special! What is he doing?!
Controller 2: He's trending more than we ever thought possible.!
Cartman: [his commenter window appears] Yes, with every passing second I become more powerful.
Scene Description: Stan's house, out front. The cops are laughing their asses off now
Det. Harris: [laughing with them] Okay! Okay, okay okay okay. Go ahead.
Peterson: So, then, the first black guy said to the second black guy, "Don't shoot me. I'm on your side."
Det. Harris: Okay! Okay. Okay. Hold on. [catches his breath] Okay, go ahead.
Peterson: And then the, the the tattooed black guy said, to him, "I ain't gonna kill you, man. You're the King of Pop. Let's go cap that whitey producer."
Det. Harris: Oh God! Stop! Stop! Stop!
Cartman: [his commenter window appears] Happy holidays, everyone! [the cops stop laughing and look at the window] Enjoy the rest of your lives with CartmanBrah.
Scene Description: Buca de Faggoncini. Cartman's commenter window is now a fixture
Record producer: Damn it, you're ruining the show!
Cartman: Of course I am. This isn't about you. This is about CartmanBrah, brah.
Kyle: I am so confused.
Record producer: [to Ron] Shut him down!
Ron: We can't, sir!
Cartman: I am trending so much that soon I will reach... trendscendence. Like Johnny Depp, but cool.
Stephen: I'm confused. Why this holiday special and what is it?
Cartman: It's all CartmanBrah now. [a shot of Times Square. Cartman's image replaces everything else on the screens there] I am trending into something more than human. I am becoming... transgender. [a shot of the Times Square crowd, looking at the screens in disbelief] Now they will HAVE to give my my own bathroom!
Record producer: This is not what I hired you for! I CONTROL TALENT, DAMNIT!
MJ's hologram: [bursts through the doors with Tupac's hologram] There he is! That's the ignorant man!
Record producer: This is crazy and everyone is watching everything!
Kyle: [thinking aloud] Everyone is watching everything. [turns right and walks up to a camera] Ike? [switch to Ike's room] Ike, if you can hear me, I'm sorry. I have been a grandpa. [Ike's friends look at the monitor] I didn't understand the things you are into and I and I thought you should like the same stuff that I did. [Michael's hologram walks up to the record producer and shoots him in the head, killing him] I have to accept that you're gonna have your own things. I just didn't want you to watch HIM. I just... I just wanna be a family again.
Kid 4: Oh, I feel bad for the little guy.
Conner: There's nothing sadder than a old man crying.
Kid 3: Maybe we should help
Ike: Yeah!
Kid 2: Okay.
Kyle: Help? How can you help?
Kid 2: It's the holiday season. We just need to get everyone to believe again.
Conner: Yeah, someone can come change all this. You know who.
Kyle: Really? That's what you guys would do?
Conner: Of course! We just need to get everyone to believe in him. He'll always come and help. #webelieveinyou
Kyle: Oh my God, you're right! You're totally right!! EVERYONE! GET A NEW TREND GOING! FAST! #webelieveinyou!
MJ's hologram: We believe in you. Of course!
Kyle: [walks ever closer to the camera] You too! Right now! #webelieveinyou! We've got to make him appear! [the signal is now disrupted]
Cartman: Hey! What's going on? What is that? [amid some special effects of snow and holly popping out of the upper right corner of screens everywhere, PewDiePie's commenter window appears]
PewDiePie: How's it goin' bros? This is [goes fullscreen]PewDiePie!
Cartman: What the hell?!
Kids: PewDiePie!
Kyle: PewDiePie?!
PewDiePie: Thanks for all the shoutouts. I guess there's some little fat kid trying to be me, so let's check it out.
Cartman: Ey! Get out of here, PewDiePie! This is MY holiday special!
PewDiePie: [mocking Cartman] God damn it, get out of here!
Cartman: Uh, everyone, tweet now if you wanna get rid of PewDiePie!
PewDiePie: This show is getting kind of boring, bros. What do you say we change it out to something more exciting?
Cartman: Please show your support for CartmanBrah brah right now by uh...
PewDiePie: I know! Let's play Call of Duty! [the game pops up fullscreen and the commenter windows switch places]
Cartman: No! You can't do this!
PewDiePie: Ohhh yeah! This is more like it, bros!
Cartman: God damn it, who the hell do you think you are?! If you don't stop right now-!
PewDiePie: Okay, that little fat kid is getting annoying. Let's get rid of him!
Cartman: NOOOO! [his commenter window disappears, as well as the holiday special]
PewDiePie: Oh yeah! Way better, bros! This is how we do it in Sweden! BOOM head shot! BOOM head shot!
Scene Description: South Park, next morning. At Stark's Pond, Stan and Kyle sit on a bench and look out over the lake.
Kyle: Well, I finally got my family to use the living room for an hour each night.
Stan: I'm still really confused, dude. I have no idea what that was about.
Kyle: Yeah. I guess that's the point. I don't think we're gonna understand. Maybe this IS all the beginning of a new art form. YouTube celebrities are only getting bigger. And what's great is that these people are inventing themselves, instead of being marketed and shoved down our throats.
Stan: Yeah.
Kyle: No matter what we think, it's not just a passing trend. We need to realize that the new generation of entertainment is here. [notices PewDiePie's commenter window pop up to his right and above] And I, think that's great.
Stan: Yeah, I think that's great too.
PewDiePie: Alright bros, it look like we'll have to end it there. I wanna thank South Park for being in my show. I hope you bros enjoyed watching, and as always, stay awesome! [over the end credits] Oh! That's it bros. Show's over.


Scene Description: South Park Elementary cafeteria, night. Emergency All School meeting. Students and their parents file into the cafeteria and find seats. Mr. Mackey approaches the mic
Mr. Mackey: Alright parents and students, please take your seats. [A gleeful Randy crumples a sheet of paper into a ball and throws it at him as Sharon looks on. The crumpled up paper strikes Mr. Mackey, who tries to deflect it and gets annoyed] Okay, okay. Now as you know, There was an incident at the school last week involving a student referring to rape as a "hot Cosby," okay? [everyone laughs. Cartman looks around, smiling] Listen, listen! Principal Victoria has been fired!
Various adults: What? Fired?
Cartman: Sweet dude!
Mr. Mackey: And a new person has been appointed to try and make South Park Elementary a more... progressive place that... fits in with today's times. Heh ukay? So please welcome... PC Principal. [a burly man holding a sports bottle walks through the cafeteria. He sports a goatee, a hint of a mustache, and Oakley sunglasses. He swallows the last of the drink and throws the bottle off to one side]
PC Principal: Alright, listen up. My name is PC Principal. I don't know about you, but frankly I'm sick and tired of how minority groups are marginalized in today's society. I'm here because this place is lost in a time warp! Students who still use the word "retarded"! A teacher who said women without wombs should get an AIDS test!
Mr. Garrison: Oh, I was a [takes his right wrist and flips it forward] lesbian then.
PC Principal: A chef "person of color" who the children had sing soul songs and who the children drove to kill himself!
Butters: No, he got brainwashed by a cult.
PC Principal: [aims his left index finger at Butters] And that's two days' detention for you, young man! We'll see you at 4!
Butters: What??
PC Principal: Let me ask you this. We're in Colorado, right?! Where are the Hispanic kids?! Huh?! Where are the ethnic and racial minorities?!
Mr. Mackey: Well, we have Token; he's black.
PC Principal: [aims his left index finger at Mr. Mackey] And that's two days' detention for you, Mackey! Congratulations!
Mr. Mackey: Wha- I got detention?
PC Principal: I Googled South Park before I came here, and I cannot believe the shit you're getting away with! People claiming to be advocates of transgender rights, but really just wanting to use the women's bathroom! [Sharon and Stan look at Randy] A white man who thinks he's Chinese and built a wall to keep out Mongolians.
Tuong Lu Kim: Ohhhh I hate-a Mongorians!
PC Principal: What the fuck is this?! Are you fucking kidding me?! I'm telling you all, this is done! Like it or not, PC is back, and it's bigger than ever! Weoo-weoo-weoo You hear that?! That's the sound of 2015 pulling you over, people! Suck it! [holds his right arm out and lets the mic drop to the floor from his hand]
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Kids walk here and there in the hall. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny walk together
Stan: [looking around] Man, I guess things are going to be different around here.
Kyle: You know what? I think it's good. Let's face it: this is long overdue.
Butters: [runs up to the other three] Did you guys hear? Cartman got four days' detention, for calling Heidi Turner "clitty litter"!
Kenny: (Really?)
Butters: But the thing is, Eric isn't even fightin' it. It's like he's all sad and scared.
Kyle: Good! He should be sad and scared! These things do matter and I already feel better to be at a school where we can start to have a dialogue and talk about this stuff.
Mr. Mackey: [over the P.A. system] Will uh, Kyle Broflovski report to the principal's office immediately? Uhkay? Kyle Broflovski. [Kyle walks off] Did I, did I say that all right?
Scene Description: The principal's office, some time later. Gerald opens the office door and steps in
Gerald: Uhm, hi, I'm Gerald, Kyle Broflovski's father.
PC Principal: Have a seat. I've been talking with your child, and we're gonna be giving him two weeks' detention.
Gerald: [to Kyle, in a hushed voice] Wull, what's this about, Kyle?
PC Principal: Your son said some things to a fourth-grade girl that frankly make me wanna puke! Now that I'm principal, I'm not gonna allow [pounds the desk with his left fist] anyone at this school to be made feel unsafe and harassed!
Gerald: Wh-wh-what did he say?
PC Principal: [takes off his sunglasses] You'll have to excuse my language. [picks up a report and clears his throat] "I don't think Caitlyn Jenner is a hero." [no reaction from Gerald or Kyle. PC Principal gets ready to erupt] This kind of transphobic and [pounds the desk with his left fist] bigoted hate speech isn't gonna fly here, bro! Well I though we were all on board that Caitlyn Jenner is an amazing, [quickly stands up] beautiful woman who had the exquisite bravery of a butterfly flying against the wind. And then this shit comes out of people's mouths!
Gerald: PC Principal, I, I'm sure Kyle was just referring to Bruce Jenner as a person, and not trying to say anything against-
PC Principal: You got a fuckin' problem bro?!
Gerald: No...
PC Principal: 'Cause it's not Bruce fuckin' Jenner! It's Caitlyn, and she's a fuckin' stunning woman! Or maybe you're the one teaching him to demean women in the first place! HUH?! What's up?! What's fuckin' up, bro?
Gerald: Look, maybe we can all just ta-
PC Principal: Get the fuck out of here, dude! [turns the desk over, sending papers all over the place]
Gerald and Kyle: [alarmed] Aaah! [Gerald takes Kyle and they both rush to the door, open it, and rush out]
Scene Description: Crunchy's Micro Brew. The men of the town have gathered at this new watering hole. At the center table sit Stuart, Stephen, Randy, Gerald, and Ryan Valmer
Randy: I mean, who the hell does this guy think he is? Some college kid's gonna come in and tell us our ways are old?
Stuart: Yeah. And, you can't bully our kids like that.
Gerald: Kyle's already got two weeks of detention.
Stephen: Huh for what?!
Gerald: Just 'cause he said something about Caitlyn Jenner. [a hush falls over the table]
Stephen: Oh, Caitlyn Jenner. she's a hero. She is stunning and brave.
Stuart: Stunning. She is absolutely beautiful, and an inspiration.
Ryan: Yup!
Randy: Yup, that's right.
Gerald: Well what the hell were you guys talki-
Ryan: We've gotta be careful, Gerald. This is a college bar.
PC bro 1: Somebody here have a problem with Caitlyn Jenner?
Ryan: No.
PC bro 1: No? 'Cause she's a stunning, beautiful woman, and if you wanna call her anything else I'm ready to fuckin' throw down!
Stuart: No no, we're totally fine with it.
PC bro 2: Weoo-weoo-weoo-weoo-weoo! [walks up waving his left hand over his head like a police siren] It? Did somebody just refer to Caitlyn Jenner as "it"? I'm PC, bro. I'll throw down!
PC bro 1: Sweet. You're PC bro?
PC bro 2: Yeah, Arizona State.
PC bro 1: Sweet, bro. I'm PC UMass.
PC bro 2: Fuck yeah! Sweet, dude! [holds up his left hand open]
PC bro 1: [clasps the other guy's left hand with his own] Sweet! [releases the grip] So, do we have a fuckin' problem here?
Stephen: No! Caitlyn Jenner is the bravest woman in America.
PC bro 3: Weoo-eoowoo-eoowoo-oo! [walks up waving his right hand over his head like a police siren] Did someone here just say "America" in a way that "other-izes" and demeans the people of Latin and South America?!
PC bro 2: Nice, dude. You PC?
PC bro 3: Yeah, Chino Hills. [to the seated men] You think Venezuelans aren't Americans, brah?!
PC bro 2: Yeah, you wanna make fun of me?!
PC Principal: [notices the commotion and walks up] Hey! What seems to be the problem here, gentlemen?!
PC bro 1: Who the hell are you?!
PC Principal: I'm PC Principal.
PC bro 2: Oh nice. We're all PC too.
PC Principal: No way! There's more PC bros here?
PC bro 4: Yeah dude, Ohio State.
PC Principal: Sweet, bros. Texas A&M. Bro, I had no idea there were like-minded individuals in this town that defended social minorities. We should all hang out.
PC bro 1: We should totally hang out.
PC bro 4: We should all get a house together and unite our tolerant views.
PC bro 1: Fuckin' do it, dude!
PC bro 4: Fuck yeah!
Scene Description: A new frat house in South Park - Rho Omega Delta - night. PC bros are everywhere, lifting weights, fighting, drinking from kegs, having a good time. Two of them are on a balcony drinking PBR as two farmers gaze at the house from a distance.
Janitor: Well, looks like thangs are gettin' all PC again. [a shot of the house again]
Friend: Well how long d'you think this will last?
Janitor: Lasted about six years last time. We got at least [checks his watch] 5.9 years to go.
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The school bell rings, and Cartman is at his locker getting his back pack. The other boys walk up to him.
Kyle: Uhhh, hey Cartman. Uhwaht's goin' on? Aren't you going to ah, you know, go do something about this new principal?
Cartman: I've already got four days of detention. I don't want anymore. I'm gonna start following the rules.
Stan: But, this isn't you, Cartman.
Kyle: Yeah, where is the Eric Cartman we know? The Eric Cartman we know breaks the rules. And he gets away with it. Just like his hero! Come on, who's your hero, Cartman?!
Cartman: [sighs heavily] Tom Brady.
Stan: Right! And what does Tom Brady do after breaking the rules?
Cartman: Deny and subvert.
Stan: Yeah!
Butters: Yeah, what? Well what would Tom Brady say if he got caught shoplifting.
Cartman: Everybody shoplifts. Why are you coming down on me?
Butters: Yeah!
Kyle: [walks up to Cartman] You're Tom Brady, Cartman! And that new principal in there is the football commissioner trying to dictate his punishment to you. And what happens when an invulnerable cheater comes up against an elitist corporate dictator?
Cartman: A perfect storm of hypocrisy that everyone in the country has to deal with for months on end.
Cartman: [pacing back and forth] You're right, guys. I'm gonna Tom Brady this thing!
Boys: Yeah!
Cartman: I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say "You're not giving me four day of detention! You're only giving me one!"
Boys: Yeah!
Cartman: NO! No, to hell with that! "You're giving me NO days detention! And then I'm gonna go home and fuck my hot wife! Who's not even that hot, and kinda looks like a dude!" [marches off]
Boys: Yeah!
Cartman: [turns around] Thanks, guys. I almost forgot the lessons that football has taught us all. I can get around these pesky rules. Butters, I'm going to need your underwear. [walks off]
Butters: Well ohhh-kay! [walks off after Cartman]
Kyle: Cool. I think we did it. [raises his left arm, and Stan high-fives it]
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, hallway. PC Principal walks through it like the Big Man On Campus. The kids look up at him in awe. He reaches the stairs leading up to the faculty bathroom. Nearby Jenny Simons looks at him, he looks back. He opens his arms as if to scare a bear, then he takes a step in Jenny's direction. Jenny backs away immediately. PC Principal goes downstairs.
Scene Description: Faculty bathroom, moments later. PC Principal puts his glasses behind his head and does his business at the urinal. Cartman drops down from the toilet in the stall behind the principal and steps outside the stall
Cartman: Oh, PC Principal, how are you today?
PC Principal: What are you doing in the faculty bathroom?
Cartman: You know, I think you and I got off on the wrong foot the other day. By all means, please, keep your dick out. You see, I'm not going to accept four days of detention and... you're going t'apologize publicly for being so strict to me and my friends at school.
PC Principal: What the fuck are you talking about?
Cartman: It's just a request, that's all. See you around. [stops and looks down] Oh, you seem to have dropped something, PC Principal. [picks it up] What's this? Why, this is a little boy's underwear. [sniffs at it] Why, this is Butters' underwear.
PC Principal: [zips up and looks at Cartman] What?
Cartman: PC Principal, you have Butters' underwear and now... [drops it into the urinal and soaks it in PC Principal's urine - the principal had not flushed the urinal - and pulls the briefs out.] Oh my gosh, it's got your DNA all over it. [through some windows above the urinal, Kyle, Butters, Craig, Stan, and Token watch the action unfold] This certainly doesn't look good for you. I don't need to tell anyone about this. No, I think we have an understanding. Capiche?
PC Principal: What did you just say?
Cartman: You mean about keeping your dick out?
PC Principal: "Capiche"?! You're associating Italian-Americans to intimidation tactics?! [one by one, the boys' smiles disappear] You'd better watch your micro-aggression's, bro! [now the boys are afraid of the next move]
Cartman: Oh-kay. Look, you don't want to end up like the spokesman for Subway, so you?
PC Principal: Did you just use a term that excludes women from an occupation?! [picks Cartman up...]
Cartman: Okay, let's back up. [...and slams him against the stall] Aaah!
PC Principal: [slams him several times into the wall next to the mirror] Did you just say "spokesman" instead of "spokesperson"?! When women are just as capable at selling sandwiches as anyone?! [slams Cartman into the mirror, shattering it] Are you purposely trying to use words that assert your male privilege?! [slams Cartman into a sink, shattering it]
Cartman: [quuickly] No, I'm sorry. I was just trying to frame you for raping Butters!
PC Principal: [ignoring him] Do you think Italian-Americans and women are less important?! [pins Cartman to the floor and starts beating him up]
Cartman: Oh God!
PC Principal: You dare to use words that alienate two communities of people who have to deal with verbal biases like yours on a daily basis?! [beats him up some more. The other boys leave the window and walk away.]
Scene Description: Rho Omega Delta house. The frat bros are having a good time as "Genius of Love" plays in the background. Randy looks out from his bedroom window, not being able to sleep, and sees the frat house. He puts his fists against his hips and heads for the house. He bangs on the door until it opens
Randy: Can I speak with PC Principal please?
PC bro 5: Oh yeah. We got another one, guys!
PC bro 6: All right. Bring him in, bro!
PC bro 7: [voice only] We're ready! Woo! [other PC bros haul him in and change his clothes]
Randy: Hey what? [stands in line with a bunch of other guys] Hey no, I- No, I don't- [he is now wearing a PLEDGE shirt - he is now a pledge for this fraternity]
PC bro 8: All the pledges take a shot! [the music is cut off, frat bros come in and offers the pledges swigs from various bottles of liquor]
PC Principal: All right pledgies, we're excited. You wanna try and be PC. We hope you've got what it takes to join the most socially active group in America.
PC bros: Weoooh!
PC Principal: You know, there's still some people out there that say "What does being PC really mean?" Well, I'll tell you what it means. It means you love nothin' more than beer, workin' out, and that feelin' you get when you rhetorically defend a marginalized community from systems of oppression.
PC bros: Wooo! Yeah! Dude, let's go! Woowooo! Yeah!
Randy: [takes a swig] Yeah!
PC bros: Wooohooo!
Randy: [shakes his head vigorously] Wooo-ooo!
PC bros: Wooohooo! let's go! Yeah!
Scene Description: The Marsh house, early morning. Randy comes down the stairs slowly, painfully. He stops a moment to address a headache. He makes his way slowly to the kitchen and sits at the breakfast table. He hangs his head and rests it on his right hand. Sharon, arms crossed, has been waiting for him.
Sharon: You got home pretty late last night. Six AM?
Randy: I've joined a social awareness group. It's a coalition that discourages the use of ... words that have negative or offensive connotations... to grant respect to people who are victims of unfair stereotypes.
Sharon: You got in at Six and now you're missing work.
Randy: We've been getting away with horrible things, Sharon. Having- laughs at less privileged people and thinking it was harmless. Our group is... trying to be a civilizing influence... where we discuss and have meetings to better define and reinforce tolerance and acceptance [voice trails off] of all groups of people.
Sharon: Hm... And do they have booze at these meetings?
Randy: Uhhhh... They serve refreshments, yes.
Scene Description: A hospital room, night. Cartman is on a bed hooked up to monitoring equipment. He's got two black eyes, cuts on his arms, and a cast on his right leg. Stan, Kyle, Butters, and Kenny stop by
Stan: Cartman?
Cartman: [with raspy voice] We can't beat him, you guys. PC Principal is too strong.
Butters: What do we do now?
Cartman: There's nothing left to do. I'm going to admit I did something wrong, take my punishment, and move on. I'm not Tom Brady.
Butters: [earnestly] Oh no!
Kyle: Dude, if we all tell the police what the principal did, he'll be fired!
Stan: Yeah.
Cartman: No way.
Kyle: Why?
Cartman: Because PC Principal is right, Kyle. You and I are bigots, and it's time for us to grow up.
Kyle: No, you're a bigot.
Cartman: If I can face my prejudice, why can't you? We're two privileged, straight white boys who have their laughs about things we never had to deal with.
Kyle: I'm not going to apologize for saying Caitlyn Jenner isn't a hero! In fact, personally, I think she's most likely not a very good person! [the boys gasp]
Cartman: [In added pain] Aaahh, aahh! [looks left at Kyle] Kyle, believe me! I know the struggle with hatred. Let's make ourselves better people... together. [reaches out to Kyle]
Kyle: Come on, fat-ass.
Cartman: No more fat-shaming, Kyle. Let's start a new chapter.
Kyle: So you're never gonna call me a dirty Jew again?
Cartman: No. I'm going to call you... my friend.
Kyle: Oh fuck you. [turns around and walks out]
Cartman: I... guess we never realized how bad he really was.
Scene Description: Rho Omega Delta house, night. Randy dances with other bros to "Watch Me (Whip / Nae Nae)" and takes a sip of beer after each dance move
PC Principal: All right, pledges, listen up. Congratulations on making it to the final cuts. [only three pledges are left - Randy and two other men.]
Pledges: Wooohoo! Yeah!
PC Principal: Now it's time for the final test. So what you're gonna have to do, to prove you belong with PC, is go out there, and check someone's privilege.
Pledge 1: Finally!
Pledge 2: Yes!
Randy: I'm sorry, I don't know what that is.
PC Principal: Topher, can you explain "check your privilege" please.
Topher: [PC Bro 1] Uh, it's getting someone to acknowledge their own inherent privileges and reminding them to put them aside in order to better understand another human's plight.
PC Principal: Yeah, see, there's some people out there like Brett fucking Favre who think that when we all stand up and applaud Caitlyn Jenner at the ESPY Awards, he can get away with one of these bullshit claps! [performs a limp clap] It's called "clapping" Favre! What the fuck are you doing?! Washing your hands?! You're either on board, or you're NOT, bro! Now, if he's gonna bring shame on someone, then he can have his privilege checked and have a little shame brought down on him!
Randy: You want me to shame Brett Favre?
PC Principal: [stops to stare at Randy] No. 'Cause there's somebody even worse now.
Scene Description: Kyle's room, night. He's asleep, and we quickly find out who could be worse then Brett Favre. On the inner side of the bed is Randy, and on the window side are the two pledges who were with him for the final cut. One 3 the three men shake Kyle's bed and blow into noisemakers.
Kyle: AAAAHH! What the fuck, dude?! What the fuck?! [A few seconds later the men rush out of the room as he watches them leave. Then he looks down and sees pigs all over the floor. Each one has the word "Biggit" painted on.]
Scene Description: Cartman's hospital room. He begins to dream of a football game. He's dressed as Tom Brady, with his back to the camera. His voice echoes throughout the dream
Cartman Brady: [turns around] I may be down, but I'm not out. Tom Brady's never out!
Commissioner Cartman: You broke the rules!
Cartman Brady: Fuck you, "I broke the rules"! YOU're breaking the rules!
Commissioner Cartman: Fuck you, you broke the rules!
Cartman Brady: You broke the rules, how you found out I broke the rules!
Coach Cartman: Yeah, you broke the rules!
Commissioner Cartman: I'm the commissioner! I can break the rules 'cause you guys broke the rules before! I didn't bust you enough!
Coach, Brady: Just because you didn't bust us enough for breakin' the rules, that doesn't mean you can break the rules bustin' us now!
Commissioner Cartman: Fuck both you guys! I can do whatever I want! I'm breakin' the rules!
Cartman Brady: Fuck you, I'm Tom Brady!
Commissioner Cartman: Fuck you, I'm the commissioner! I'll make up new rules!
Coach, Brady: Fuck your rules!
Commissioner Cartman: Fuck you guys, always fucking rules!
Cartman Brady: Fuck all the rules! [all this wakes Cartman up]
Cartman: Ack! Butters!
Butters: I'm here, Eric.
Cartman: Oh Butters, I've lived such a horrible life! Always doing whatever I want and claiming it to be for integrity. BUTTERS?
Butters: Yes Eric.
Cartman: I'm never going back to the person I was. I swear to God. From now on the world is going to know a new and better Eric Cartman.
Scene Description: The Marsh house, day. The doorbell rings and Stan rushes to the door to see who it is. When he opens the door, he sees Kyle with a tree stuck on his back and penises drawn all over his face.
Kyle: Will you please tell your dad to leave me alone?
Stan: Dude, what happened?
Kyle: [steps inside, tree and all] Your dad was on my lawn yelling at me all night, and after I finally fell asleep I woke up Saran-wrapped to a tree with penises on my face. And this. [removes his hat to reveal his hair gathered into four crude ponytails, one of them covered in a condom. Stan is stunned, but takes it in]
Stan: Hang on. [walks to the kitchen] Dad, did you draw dicks on my friend's face?
Randy: [back at the kitchen table, with a hangover, like last time] Did I check his privilege? Yes. I had some refreshments and I checked your friend's privilege.
Stan: That's my best friend, Dad! Stop shaming him because you want to fit in!
Randy: Stan, straight white males in a capitalistic society have little- understanding of victimization compared to injustices against the underprivileged. Dicks on your face is a very first-world problem. [the liquor comes back into his mouth] Oh shit! [vomits as he heads toward the sink]
Stan: [returns] Look, Kyle, maybe you should just say Caitlyn Jenner is a hero.
Kyle: I didn't even say she wasn't a hero! I just said she isn't a hero to me! I didn't like Bruce Jenner as a person when he was on the Kardashians, and I don't suddenly like him now!
A passing bro: Weoo-weoo-weoo-weooh!
Stan: Her.
Kyle: HER, yes!
Scene Description: Cartman's hospital room. Cartman is on his feet, stumbling
Cartman: OH. Eh, oh it's no use, Butters. I want to get out there and start making positive changes, but I... can barely even walk. [thinks a moment] How is everybody doing?
Butters: Well they're fine. Everyone's just kind of keepin' their mouths shut. It's kinda nice. [smiles] So the PC guys are leavin' people alone. Well, except for...
Cartman: Who?
Butters: Well, well now they've made Kyle their main target.
Cartman: [soft music plays] ...Kyle? ...My friend Kyle? [begins removing his hospital clothes slowly and replacing them with his own clothes]
Butters: Eric, what are you doing?
Cartman: I don't have a choice. I have to take these PC people out.
Butters: Oh, but I thought you agreed with them.
Cartman: I do, but I have to help Kyle, even if I don't agree with his hateful, bigoted thoughts. Kyle's view may be warped. I personally think Caitlyn Jenner's a stunning hero, [clears his throat] but that doesn't mean I'll stand by while Kyle's intolerance is dealt with violently. We're going to war with these PC people once and for all! Butters, I'm going to need 200 pregnant Mexican women and some taco launchers.
Butters: Well ohhh-kay!
Scene Description: Rho Omega Delta house, night. The PC bros have gathered around a door entrance, and begin chanting...
PC bros: Social Justice 1 2 3 Woowoo! I wanna be PC Woowoo! It's just the way to be for me! And you! Woowoo! Your hateful slurs are through! Woowoo!
PC bro 9: I call woowoo on you!
PC bros: Woowoo! We'll fight until you're PC black and blue!
Randy: Woowoo!
PC bros: Woowoo!We are language police fighting bigotry! Hurtful words can suck our turds, 'cause it's PC for me!
PC bro 5: And you!
PC bros: Woowoo! Yeah! Yeah! Fuck yeah!
PC bro 5: Fuck yeah, bro! PC bro! [Cartman is now on the scene, walking with a crutch and a walkie-talkie.]
Cartman: All right, send in the pregnant Mexican women! [Butters, with a semaphore flag in each hand, gives the signal for the women to rush the house]
Pregnant Mexican Women: Ohh! Ohh! Ohh!
PC bro 5: Fuck, bro?! [Cartman stops by the taco launchers, which are manned by Clyde, Craig, and Tweek]
Cartman: Fire the taco launchers! [the boys load the launchers and let fly. Tacos rain down upon the frat house. The women arrive and run into the house, picking up tacos on the way] Syrian refugee children, flank from the left! [a truck load of Syrian refugee children is waiting for the truck bed to empty out. Butters releases the cargo door and the kids flood out towards the house]
PC bro 2: Dude, what is this, bro?!
PC bro 6: I don't know, bro!
Cartman: [looking through some binoculars] The Syrian refugee children are in; send in Jared! [Jared appears with his arms stretched out, ready to grab anything. He follows the women and the kids into the frat house, but doesn't grab anyone. The rest of the neighborhood gathers and marches towards the house]
Stephen: What in the world is going on??
Cartman: All right, good. The pregnant Mexican women are falling asleep on the tacos. [sees Jared on the balcony trying to grab some kids, and some bros stop Jared] Jared needs backup, send in the Chinese drivers. [a split second later two cars crash into each other in front of the house.]
A PC Bro: [falls from the balcony to his death] Ohhh! [lands on his head]
Cartman: All right, the Syrian refugees are trying to protect their children! Gimme a- Oh fuck, there's Kyle. [lowers his binoculars] What the fuck are you doing, Kyle?
Kyle: Enough! Stop! Everyone STOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHP! [The camera shows his head bigger than usual and the air brighter then usual. His voice echoes across town and everyone stops in their tracks. A pregnant woman picks up a taco and runs off with it.] This is so wrong! I can't let it continue! This is not ever what I intended! I just want to say... Caitlyn Jenner is a hero. There's no other way to say it. What she did took bravery, and she is absolutely stunning. [Moments later, PC Principal steps forward and begins clapping. Once the clapping reaches normal speed, others begin to join in. A live-action shot of Brett Farve at the ESPYs "limp-clapping" is even thrown in]
Townsman: Wooo.
Scene Description: South Park, the dawn of a new day. Everyone gathers in the school cafeteria, which has a sign at the entrance: WELCOME TO 2015 SOUTH PARK. Inside, people are having conversations, kids are running around, Randy's butt is getting branded...
Randy: Ow, hot. Hot hot, hothohhht. [PC Bro 4 takes the branding iron off, and Randy is officially a PC Bro. He stands up and gets dressed.] Ahhh.
PC Principal: I gotta hand it to you, Marsh. You really checked that little boy's privilege. Using those Syrian refugees was genius, bro.
PC bro 4: Yeah. I would have never thought to use offensive imagery and outrageous stereotypes to provoke someone to open their eyes.
Randy: So I'm PC now?
PC Principal: You're not only PC, you've actually changed my PC. [whips out some sunglasses] Congrats. Here's your Oakleys.
Randy: Oh wow. Oakleys! [puts them on and his voice changes] Oh yeah bro, these are sweet. [The big five stand nearby observing the small ceremony]
Stan: So I guess PC Principal is here to stay, huh?
Cartman: Yes. But at least we showed him that sometimes joking about un-PC things can actually be important, because it starts a dialogue. [Kyle lowers his eyelids and the others back away] What's wrong, Kyle? You have your cake. Eat it, too.
Kyle: It just seems to me like we all lost in this, and that the only person who won was you.
Cartman: Hmmm... And who does that remind you of, Kyle? Now if you don't mind, I'm gonna go home and fuck my hot wife. Who, kind of looks like, a dude. [Cartman hums his own version of the end theme song over the credits.]