Scene Description: Henrietta's room, night. She's holding a dramatic Edgar Allan Poe reading there with her fellow Goths. On a small table nearby sits three candles, two books, a statue, and a black and white picture of a freak show with a sign on it: HUMAN FREAK EXHIBIT
Henrietta: So I cast my body into the trails of blood. The knife pierces deep, deep into my lonely eyes. So I can see this black world... no more.
Pete: Whoa... That's pretty hardcore. [taps some ashes off his cigarette into his ashtray, then flips his hair]
Michael: That's real pain right there. [taps some ashes off his cigarette into his ashtray]
Henrietta: That's how I feel, when my mother abuses me. I just wanna escape, to she can't hurt me anymore. [Mrs. Biggle knocks three times on Henrietta's door, then opens it]
Mrs. Biggle: [sing song] Henrietta, sweetie.
Henrietta: [glares at her] Shut up, Mom! Go away!
Mrs. Biggle: Oh, but remember, Daddy wanted to talk to you in the living room, my dark little princess.
Henrietta: Stop calling me a princess! I'm not a beauty queen in a Disney movie!
Mrs. Biggle: We'll be waiting in the living room.
Henrietta: [rolls her eyes] God, she just never stops!
Scene Description: The living room, moments later.
Mrs. Biggle: Oh goodness I am so nervous. [Henrietta enters the living room]
Henrietta: What?!
Mr. Biggle: Have a seat, Henrietta. [Henrietta sits on the chair]
Mrs. Biggle: Oh, a little family chit-chaaat.
Henrietta: Shut up, Mom!
Mr. Biggle: Henrietta, as you know, your mother and I have been concerned about your behavior for some time.
Henrietta: Are we really doing this again?!
Mr. Biggle: We've had a hard time coping with the dark things you're into, but we've finally had some counseling, and apparently we're not the only parents who have a child that is... emo.
Henrietta: What?!
Mrs. Biggle: But Daddy and I love our little muffin, even if she's emo or not.
Henrietta: I'm not a fucking emo! Don't you even know the fucking diff!
Mr. Biggle: Do you know how your foul language breaks your mother's heart?
Mrs. Biggle: Like calling Mommy Demon Jizz.
Mr. Biggle: So listen, sweetie, we've found a camp. [her mom brings out a brochure]
Henrietta: Noo...
Mr. Biggle: A camp which is for troubled kids like you, and you get to work outside and learn about responsibility.
Henrietta: [stands up, ready to leave the room] I'm not going to any fucking camp!
Mr. Biggle: It's for two weeks, and when you come back we can talk about earning back some of your privileges.
Henrietta: I won't come back because I'll be fucking dead. I'll walk out of that camp and I'll walk the streets until I probably get picked up and gangbanged by criminals until I'm bleeding out my fucking eyes!!
Mrs. Biggle: Theeeey have a horseshoe pit where you can challenge the other kids to horsehoooes.
Scene Description: The loading dock at the side of the school, day, the goths' usual gathering spot
Pete: And that's all you know? what else did she say?
Michael: She said that her parents called her an emo and she had to go to this camp for two weeks.
Pete: [flips hair] Oh my God, for two weeks?
Firkle: Is she at the camp now?
Michael: I don't know. [scrolls through his text messages] She texted from the bus they put her on, then she said she wasn't even allowed to have her cell phone where she was going. Then all of a sudden her texts went dark.
Pete: [softly] Whoa...
Firkle: That's fucking creepy man.
Michael: [gets up and walks a bit] I just can't believe it. I can't believe parents would do that to their child.
Scene Description: Child Protective Services, day. The three remaining Goths go to talk to a worker there
Worker: Alright now, you say that you witnessed your friend being abused by her parents.
Michael: Yes. They called her an emo.
Worker: What's wrong with that?
Michael: Emos suck! Their vile, self-pitying, depressed assholes!
Worker: So, why do you think they called her that?
Michael: Because she's Goth, and some ignorant people don't know the difference!
Worker: What is the difference?
Pete: Oh my God! They're totally different!
Worker: Okay, different how?
Pete: They're, achm, you know, one is good and an' emos are horrible! [flips hair] You're, you know... They're posers!
Firkle: Emos suck my Goth balls.
Michael: Alright alright, think of it this way: a goth believes that deep down the world is totally fucked up. But an emo thinks that deep down, they are totally fucked up.
Worker: That's not much of a difference.
Pete: That's a huge fucking difference!
Michael: Okay okay, look, emos are more prone to suicide.
Pete: This fuckin' bitch, man.
Michael: But goths are more prone to be depressed that so many people commit suicide
Pete: Goth's darkness is nihilistic whereas Emo's is cynical.
Michael: Wait, I thought we were cynical. ...What what whatever, it doesn't matter.
Pete: No, see, you're nihilistic.
Michael: Oh yeah, you're right.
Scene Description: Troubled Acres Rehab for at-risk teens (with emotional problems... who need structure), day. It's a secluded camp with a large greenhouse in the middle. In a white room is Henrietta, with only a bed and blankets to keep her company. There's an emergency light above the door and a security camera in one upper corner of the room. She kicks and bangs on the door
Henrietta: Hel-lo?! Somebody let me out of here! You can't treat people like this! [notices the camera and looks at it.] This is fucking ridiculous! What's wrong with you?! I'm gonna go to the fucking cops when I get out of here! [the floor opens up behind her. She turns around to see what's going on, and a plant rises into the room. She looks at the plant, puzzled. It begins to shake like a rattle, then stops]
Scene Description: A South Park Transit bus stop, day. The three goths await Henrietta's return. Firkle holds a sign that reads "WELCOME BACK BITCH"
Pete: What if she comes back, and she's all preppy and conformist?
Michael: She's only been there two weeks. They can't have changed her that much. Can they have? [the bus arrives and they all turn to look at its stop. The rear doors open and they look in. Henrietta appears and they gasp.]
Firkle: Oh. My. God. [Henrietta steps off, and boy has she changed!]
Henrietta: Hey guys. [she now wears a green headband, pink highlights in her hair, and additional pink makeup around her eyes. The left eye is made to look as though it's been crying. Her gloves are pink and black and instead of her cross necklace, she wears a necklace where the pendant is shaped like a bat]
Pete: What the hell have they done to you?
Henrietta: What do you mean? They couldn't do anything. They can't fix me. They don't even understand me. [walks away. The other three move a bit to get a better look at her leaving]
Michael: Oh my God it's worse than we thought! They made her emo!
Scene Description: The school gym, day. The kids are tossing basketballs at each other. Kenny tries to climb a rope while a girl looks on. The coach blows his whistle and moves off-screen. As he does so, the Goths are revealed on the bleachers
Michael: [concerned] Has she said one word to either one of you guys?
Pete: Nothing. It's like she's a totally different person. [flip]
Michael: She won't even look at us. All she does now is hang out with the douchebag emo kids. [the camera pans right, across the aisle, and shows Henrietta with her new friends, the Emos]
Emo boy: God, PE class is for such wannabe posers.
Emo girl: I'd rather kill myself than put on gym shorts.
Henrietta: I wish there would just be an earthquake, so we could all die.
Pete: Uugh, how could she hang out with them??
Michael: There must something else going on here.
Scene Description: Henrietta's room. She's listening to music on her iPod dock while drawing a picture titled "I Am Alone." Someone knocks on her door.
Henrietta: Not now Mom! I'm suicidal!
Michael: [enters] It's not your mom, it's me.
Henrietta: Oh, hey. [lowers the volume.]
Michael: What did they do you? At that camp?
Henrietta: What do you mean? Just the usual group therapy crap.
Michael: Don't take this the wrong way, but I think that place turned you into an emo.
Henrietta: That's ridiculous. I'm not anything. I don't fit in anywhere. I'm not emo, okay?
Michael: Then why are you listening to Sunny Day Real Estate? [she sits up and then turns off the iPod] I was thinking, maybe they just made you confused at that place. Maybe they didn't know what they were doing. But then I started thinking, maybe that place... turned you emo on purpose. Like maybe they knew what they were doing.
Henrietta: [getting cross, then turns her chair around slowly] You should probably stop digging for answers.
Michael: What?!
Henrietta: There's no winning this for you. [gets off her chair and walks towards him] Soon the entire world will be emo. It is our time.
Michael: Nooo waaaaay.
Henrietta: Nobody understands us. And they won't understand until it is faaar tooo late.
Michael: Omigodnowaaaaaaaaay.
Henrietta: Do not fight it, Michael. Is being emo really all that different from being goth? [sataniccally] Join us!
Michael: [runs out of the house] No waaay! [runs out of the house and across the street and throws his cane away to the ground] No way no waaaaaay!
Scene Description: A tiny diner, night. Pete is reading a book titled "The Sinking Girl" on an armchair
A ring tone: Death and despair! Death and despair! Death and despair! Death and desp-
Pete: [answers it] Hello?
Michael: It's worse than we thought.
Pete: What is? Everything? [flips hair]
Michael: No! I mean Henrietta. I confronted her and she was all like "I am emo! And emos are going to rule the world" and I was like "No waaay!" and she was like "Yeah, soon it will be too late." and I was all "No waaay!"
Pete: No way.
Michael: Yeah, so listen: call up Firkle and meet me at Village Inn. I gotta run home, but I'll be there in ten minutes. [rushes home and closes the front door, then runs up the stairs.]
Scene Description: Michael's house, night. He runs upstairs...
Mom: Michael! Michael! [Michael leans over the rail]
Michael: Can't now, Mom! I've got an emergency!
Dad: In the dining room Michael! Let's go! [Michael goes down reluctantly and enters the dining room] Have a seat, son. [Michael takes a seat opposite his dad.] Your mom and I have decided you're going to go away for a little while.
Michael: What??
Dad: [holds up the same brochure Mrs. Biggle held up two weeks earlier] We've been put in touch with this camp for troubled kids like you and-
Michael: What the hell are you talking about?!
Mom: This place gonna fix you, make you normal child! [moments later his dad takes him outside and toward the truck]
Michael: No! You've gotta listen to me! You don't know what you're doing!! [Dad throws him into the car] You fucking conformists! [the truck starts up and backs out of the driveway. Michael looks across the street and sees Henrietta with her emo friends, two of whom are new. He gasps. As the truck pulls away he screams through the closed window] They're eviillll!
Scene Description: The Village Inn, night. Pete and Firkle are in a booth drinking coffee and smoking.
Pete: I never thought it would end like this. I never thought that Goths would just be slowly replaced by Emos.
Firkle: Pete... if they get me... if I get sent to that camp... and I come back Emo... kill me. Promise that you'll kill me.
Pete: [flips hair] I promise.
Waitress: Hey, you kids need to order somethin' or you need to go! [pours some coffee into Firkle's mug.]
Pete: Not now, lady, we're really depressed.
Waitress: So what else is new?
Pete: This is different, okay?! Our two friends are being bodysnatched by Emos! [flips hair] There's only one other group who understands Emos like we do. We're gonna have to team up with the Vampires.
Firkle: Are you crazy?
Pete: [leaves the booth] What choice do we have?!
Firkle: The Vampires are our sworn enemy. We beat up their leader and burned down their lair. Don't you remember?
Pete: Yeah I remember. And it may be a suicide mission, but we have to walk right in the middle of the Vampires, and ask them for help.
Scene Description: Conference room B, the noon hour. Vamp kids file in and take seats. The hour is set aside for Vamp kids and Twilight fans
Vampire: Okay, let's all be seated please? [the kids quiet down] This is thee noon meeting of the Vamp kids? I am Mike, your lord and dark master, per se.
Vamps: Hail Mike.
Mike: Okay, uhhh, our main order of business is of course the Halloween social. We're still looking for volunteers to make the- [a round of snarls goes up as Pete and Firkle enter the meeting]
Mohawk vamp: It's the Goth kids! [moves aside. The other Vamps turn to look at the Goths and take to hissing and snarling at them. A boy vamp steps forward and spits at Pete as Pete and Firkle head for the podium]
Pete: Ugh. You spit on me, Larry. [Mike steps down so Pete can address the Vamps] Uhh, hey everybody, uuhm, I know we aren't on the greatest terms right now. We realize we called you all queermos, aaand we're sorry we burned down the Hot Topic at the mall.
Firkle: Sorry.
Pete: But, uhhh, we have a bigger problem here, and it's ALL of our problem.
Mike: You've got a lot of nerve coming here!
Pete: Now, shut up Mike. Listen, okay? There's a camp that kids like us are being sent to, a-and somehow this place is taking kids like us and... turning them Emo. [the Vamps start talking amongst themselves] Yeah. You might not even be able to tell at first. It could have already happened. One of you might already be turned.
Black vamp: Okay hold up! Hold up! You mean that one of us might not really be a Vamp kid? [no one says a thing]
Pete: Uhhhhh, right.
Black vamp: [steps into the aisle and moves forward] Well whoever you is, you better get yo' ass ready to run, muthafucka, 'cause you're a damn traitor! And I bet you it's this little n*gga right here![stops by a Vamp in a skeleton sweater named "Vladimir"]
Scene Description: Henrietta's house, night. She's in her bedroom with a lot of new Emo friends.
Henrietta: Are you guys getting into that Fall Out Boy concert?
Emo girl: I can't. I'm too depressed. I keep cutting myself.
Henrietta: Yeah. I'm cutting myself to hurt this worthless body that I'm in. [a knock is heard at her door]
Mrs. Biggle: [sing-song] Henrietta, I baked cookies for your new little Emo friends.
Henrietta: Not now, Mom! Can't you see I'm hurting?! [gets sarcastic] I'm sorry I'm such a disappointment! Sorry I'm not the pretty cheerleader ya always wanted! [her mom takes the cookies back and closes the door. She goes to the living room]
Mr. Biggle: Does she still seem better?
Mrs. Biggle: Oh, much better! She didn't call me a bitch, and she actually apologized to me.
Mr. Biggle: Well that's more like it.
Emo boy 1: You know what we should do? After us Emos take over the Earth? We should um, paint the White House black. And we should have Fall Out Boy at the Super Bowl. [Mike rises from under the window sill. The Emos don't notice]
Emo boy 2: We're Emos. [the cowlick Vamp which was called "Larry" by Pete rises next to Mike] When we rule the Earth we're not gonna have football.
Emo boy 1: Oh yeah. [outside, three other Vamps hold up the two boys peering inside the window. Pete and Firkle sit on the roof nearby. The Vamps have seen enough and withdraw from the window]
Mike: And you say she just showed up like this?
Pete: You know Henrietta; that thing in there is not Henrietta!
Cowlick vamp: That blonde Emo is Sarah Collins. She was a Vamp kid two weeks ago.
Black vamp: You want me to go in there and waste these mothafuckas?! I'll do it!
Pete: We can't just go in there and kick their asses. We have to stop this thing at its source.
Mike: Indeed. If there is some kind of black magic at work creating these monsters, then we will have to use our most powerful Vampiric abilities to stop it.
Cowlick vamp: Do you mean?
Mike: Yes, my child of darkness. We must call upon the powers of the Vamp kids' most sacred entity, per se. Only he can help us in this darkest time. This calls... for a summoning.
Scene Description: The South Park Elementary Library, night. The Goths and Vamps are gathered at a table there, complete with candles
Mike: We call upon the creator of all that is dark! The godfather of Death and Despair! Edgar Allan Poe, your followers in darkness beg for your help! [everyone looks around, but nothing happens] We summon to the world of the living the great Edgar Allan Poe! Knower of all that is misery! Your children need special guidance! Per se.
Pete: This, is your plan?! Try to summon Edgar Allan Poe back from the dead?!
Mike: Edgar Allan Poe was the original Vamp kid.
Pete: No, he was the original Goth, but he'd been dead for 150 years!
Black vamp: Ey, look man! All genres of Gothic subcultures are derivatives of Poe's work. Muthafucka!
Pete: Look, we came to you for help, and all you've done since then is waste our time! [a violent thunderclap and lightning immediately follow, and a vortex opens up on the ceiling]
Cowlick vamp: Holy shit look! [Edgar Allan Poe appears and the vortex vanishes]
Poe: Where am I? What is this place?
Firkle: It's him! It's Edgar Allan Poe.
Poe: Why have the living summoned me from my rest? [Mike taps Pete to signal that it's his turn to speak]
Pete: Uhhhhh, okayokay, listen: there's this camp for troubled kids, right? Only they aren't helping kids, they're, they're purposefully turning them into Emos.
Poe: Emos? ...Ew-oh my God, Emos are such wannabe conformists.
Mike: Yeah, oh yes!
Pete: Right!
Poe: Children of Darkness, I would help you, but I fear I cannot be seen with a bunch of douchey Vamp kids and their poser-ass plastic fangs.
Pete: Thank you!
Mike: Hey!
Pete: I'm just saying it's nice to know that Edgar Allan Poe agrees with us.
Poe: Agrees with who? Is that red dye in your hair or did a blood demon take a shit on your head, poser?
Black vamp: Ah ah! He got you there, n*gga!
Pete: Okay, look, we're running out of time. You have to help us stop the Emos.
Poe: Why should I? Just 'cause you summoned me doesn't mean you're the boss of me!
Pete: Uh, yeah, it kind of does.
Poe: [floats away, mocking] Oh okay, Mom. Let's go fight the Emos, Mom.
Scene Description: Back at Troubled Acres, night. The greenhouse is lit. Inside, Michael is in a chair asleep, tied down to it by thick ropes.
Michael: What? Where are you ta- No! NO!! [jerks around and wakes up, assessing his situation] What the hell?? ...Oh my God. [he realizes where he is and tries to shake himself loose from the ropes] Get me out of here! Let me go!
Howard: Shhhhh. [Michael sees him] It's best you don't upset them. [goes to water another plant]
Michael: What the hell are you doing to people?!
Howard: Not me. I just work for them. They're not evil, you know? They're just misunderstood. All I do is help the Emos get into their human hosts. They promised me when they take over Earth I can have a cabin on the lake, and all the steak I can eat.
Michael: Wait a minute. Emos are plants? [the plants begin to rattle in their pots.]
Howard: Shhh, shhh, it's okay. Not just any plants. They're very unique. Very special. Nobody understands them. Emoclarus americanus. Wonderful species.[] Except for their tendencies of self-mutilation and the need for other species to acknowledge their pain.
Michael: Oh, it all makes sense now! [A giant emoclarus rattles into view]
Howard: Oh! I'm sorry. Sorry, Emo King. [holds a conversation with it] Oh no, I wasn't talking to him. I mean, I was, but- Y-yes! Yes, I understand. [walks back to a smaller plant] Right away.[takes the potted plant and walks over to Michael]
Michael: No. [Howard sets the plant down next to him] What are you doing?! I don't wanna be emo!
Howard: [walks away, then turns around] You just don't understand. You'll understand them soon.
Michael: What the...? [the plant begins to rattle]
Howard: It's quicker if you don't fight it.
Michael: No, NOOOOOOOOO! [begins to rattle with the plant]
Scene Description: The road, night. The Vamps and Goths are heading to Troubled Acres. Pete is driving
Pete: Alright, listen up. Once we find our friend, we've gotta torch the place and get out.
Firkle: [coughs] Dude, Edgar, can you not smoke in the car?
Poe: You can't tell me what to do! Who elected you the mayor of me?!
Pete: Cut it out, Edgar! It's annoying everybody!
Poe: God, you guys are so lame! [tosses his cigarette out the window] And if you want my help, you'd better all stop calling me Edgar.
Black vamp: Well that's your name, isn't it?
Poe: That's the name my stupid parents gave me! I like to be called by my Goth name: NightPain
Black vamp, Mike, and Pete: Oh God...
Poe: What? You guys are posers!
Black vamp: Ey, just so you all know, if one of you ain't who you say they is, and we get inside that base and you reveal you're actually one of them Emo muthafuckas in disguise, I WILL go crazy on yo' ass!
Poe: If one of us is a traitor, it's probably your wannabe vampire leader.
Mike: Oh, fuck off, NightPain.
Poe: Make me, poser.
Scene Description: Troubled Acres, night, at the greenhouse. A security camera follows the car as it enters the rehab center. Everyone exits the car. Another camera shows Michael rattling with the emo plant. A third camera catches the group going down one hallway.
Pete: Michael?! You here?
Mike: I feel like we're being watched. [yes they are, by the Security Cam 3000. A fourth camera shows Henrietta's former room. Zooming out reveals an emoclarus looking over a desk with video cameras all around. The king emoclarus looks on. It leans over and seems to whisper to the security emoclarus. In the greenhouse, the group reaches Michael, who has become delirious and is now groaning]
Pete: Dude! Michael, are you okay?
Michael: Kick it over! Stop the plant! [Mike walks over and kicks the plant away, then gets into a karate stance. Firkle disappears] Oh! Oh, thank God you're here. Emos are plants and they're invading human bodies.
Pete: Alright, we're gonna get you out of here, and then we're gonna burn this whole place down. [a gun is cocked and everyone looks at the source]
Firkle: I'm sorry, but I'm afraid that's not the plan.
Howard: [appears behind him and approaches the group] You did very good. The emo plants are very pleased with your dedication.
Michael: Firkle! All this time I thought you were Goth! How long have you been Emo? [Firkle takes off his jacket and ... wig.]
Firkle: Don't you see we can't stop them? We might as well join' em. [The Emo King shows up and starts rattling. Howard turns around and walks toward it]
Howard: Yes Emo King, right away. [turns around again] The Emo King wants us to proceed at once. [moments later the black Vamp, Mike, and Pete are tied to chairs and plants are placed in front of them]
Pete: Ugh! Let us go, you ultimate conformists!
Howard: Don't fight it. It's quicker that way. [the plants begin to rattle]
Mike: Oh God! I'm starting to feel Emo.
Pete: Wait a minute. Where the hell is Edgar Allan Poe?
Mike: He said he was over this, and was gonna hang out at the Village Inn.
Pete: What?!
Scene Description: The Village Inn, night. The Ghost of Goth Past sits in the same booth the Goth kids sit in, sipping coffee and smoking
Waitress: [approaches] Hey, are you gonna order any food, or are you just gonna sit there and drink coffee all day?
Poe: Leave me alone! I just want coffeh.
Waitress: [turns around and leaves] Little prick.
Poe: Bitch.
Pete: [voice only] Poe? Edgar Allan Poe, where are you? [his face appears in Poe's coffee] What the hell are you doing?! You're supposed to be helping us!
Poe: I can't right now. I'm dealing with a lot and I just have a lot of anxiety.
Pete: Look, we [flips hair] summoned you to help us save the world!
Poe: What's the point? Save some people so some other people can be lame? And then those lame-os can be lamer to some other posers?
Pete: God, he is such a downer! [the plants rattle again]
Howard: Just let the spores inside you. Stop fighting it.
Mike: Wait. Look!
Poe: [floating in] Okay, I'm here, posers.
Pete: NightPain! Destroy the plant leader! The leader over there! [Poe descends and lands next to the Emo King]
Poe: What do you want me to do?
Mike, Michael, and Pete: Shoot it!
Poe: Really? Shoot a plant?
Michael: Shoot it! [Poe obliges, but nothing happens to the plant. A piece of its pot might have come off. Poe just shrugs.]
Poe: Wait a minute. What is this? [walks over and pulls out the plant's tag] This says it was bought at Lowe's Home and Garden for $29.95. [it's a common ficus]
Howard: Lowe's Home and Garden?
Pete: Hey, these are just plants.
Howard: No they, they talk to me.
Poe: No, they're just, like, ficus plants and vibrating pots.
Howard: But-
Voice: Looks like it's over, Harold Flannigan. So we have just one question for you: are you scared?!
Howard: [frozen in fear] What do you mean?
Voice: ARE YOU SCARED?!
Howard: YES!!! [Pete flips his hair]
Voice: That's good! 'Cause you're on... "Yes, I Was Scared!" [music plays and the lights come on]
Pete: What?? [the cast and crew of that show come out of the plant work.]
Host: Look! Look at the camera right there
Howard: Oh my God, are you serious? [grins.]
Host: Your wife Sarah put you up to this.
Sarah: [pops in next to Harold] Haha I got you! [giggles some more]
Firkle: This is a prank?
Black vamp: Oh man that's good! They got us good!
Firkle: I turned traitor for no reason?
Pete: [to Michael] Did you know about this?
Michael: I have no idea what's going on.
Host: Howard, did you suspect at all that a gardener job at a camp for troubled teens was a setup?
Howard: No, they really had me convinced!
Host: And you didn't suspect anything when we had plants tell you to turn Goths and Vamp kids into Emos when really they're exactly the same thing?
Howard: I guess I should have figured it out. I'm an idiot. [laughs about it]
Host: Tune in again next week, when we make a woman from Milwaukee think she's working at a haunted abortion clinic.
Scene Description: Henrietta's room, night. Henrietta's working on a new picture, featuring a gallows noose. A knock is heard at her door, and Pete walks in with Michael
Henrietta: So, my friends. Have you made the transformation?
Pete: Uhhhh, Henrietta, we have some bad news. The plants you think took over your body and made you emo? They're just plants. [she stops drawing] From Lowe's Home and Garden.
Michael: It was all a prank by some douchey network reality show.
Henrietta: Nnnnoooo, there's an organic spore in my head that made me switch cliques so easily.
Michael: No, you just kind of did it on your own.
Henrietta: Oh my Gawd... [closes her eyes, drops her pen on the table, and pinches her nose at the bridge] This is so... embarrassing.
Pete: Ahh, hang on. What I meant to say was [flips his hair] we just infiltrated the Emo lair and... we torched the plant leader.
Henrietta: Oh. [sudden relief] Oh! [she begins convulsing, then turns around in her chair] Ihihit's meee-e! I'm, I'm I'm me again! [gets off her chair and walks to the boys] Oh my God I'm... all better. Thanks, you guys.
Mrs. Biggle: [peeks into the room] Henrietta, I have dinner ready.
Henrietta: Shut up, Mom! Leave me alone, you conformist bag of demon jizz!
Mrs. Biggle: ...Fatty. [closes the door.]


Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day, Mr. Garrison's classroom. Mr. Mackey is present, showing the class a new computer system he's had installed at school
Mr. Mackey: Students, I would like to introduce you all to the future. [holds a laptop with an IntelliLink logo on it] M'kay. Starting today, our school will be operating entirely on IntelliLink. [presses a key that brings up the splash screen] Now whenever you need to see the school nurse, or talk to me, your counselor, you can simply sign up using this simple, integrated portal. [presses the space bar] M'kay... [presses it again. Presses is twice more, and the main menu pops up] You can use a computer or any of the IntelliLink panels which are located throughout the school. [one such panel is shown next to the window] Lat's say you're in the cafeteria, m'kay. You start cougin' up blood and need to see the nurse. You just click on "school clinic"[presses a button, and the school clinic menu pops up.] Mkay, see nurse. [selects it and a box appears on the right side with fields for teachers, student, note, and some checkboxes.]M'kay. Respiration problems. [presses a button, and "All Night Long" plays] Uh, okay, I must have I must have been in the wrong menu, uhkay. As you can see, you can control the sound system as well. Okay. [presses a key, and the song is cut off] It's all integrated and smartlinked, and this is a great idea, m'kay. Let's look at the message board. [press, and gets to the main menu] Mesage... board. [moves the cursor to the message board icon and loads the board] Here you can easily write messages to each other or to the faculty, m'kay? For instance, [sees the first thread title that loads] here we go. Here's a message from Kyle's little brother, Ike Broflovski. [loads the message] Okay, little Ike says "My brother is a homo"[Cartman cackles and Kyle is startled] Ike made a little drawing of his brother too. [loads the drawing] Drew a nice picture with a... nice bird hangin' off Kyle's forehead, m'kay, that's nice. [Cartman cackles again, and Kyle looks annoyed] It's a nice... crane, a nice whoopin' crane comin' off Kyle's head there.
Cartman: That's not a crane, it's a dick and balls.
Butters: Heheh, yeah. [chuckles to himself. Kyle is now annoyed and embarrassed]
Scene Description: The Broflovski house, day, kitchen. Sheila is washing dishes when Kyle appears and enters
Kyle: Mom, Ike did it again. I don't know what's going on with him, but, it's like he hates me.
Sheila: Oh, Kyle, your little brother is, getting older. He's not a baby anymore.
Kyle: I know, but he posted a message of me with a schlong on my head.
Sheila: It's natural, bubbe. Part of getting older is finding ways to assert your independence. You know. Why don't you go and try to talk to him - you can win him over again. [Kyle thinks it over and walks out]
Scene Description: Ike's room, moments later. Kyle opens the door and enters
Kyle: Hey Ike, how's it going?
Ike: [looks over his left shoulder] Get out of my room, Kyle! I'm on my computer! [turns back to his computer]
Kyle: I just wanted to see if maybe you want to do fingerpaints with me.
Ike: Do I look like I wanna do fuckin' fingerpaints?! [looks over his shoulder again] Look at the fuckin' zits on my face!
Kyle: Ike, I just want us to be friends again.
Ike: Then stop harassing me, bro! You don't know what it's like to be a baby goin' through puberty! I don't know whether to watch Yo Gabba Gabba or go out and tame some strange!
Kyle: Yeah, let's watch Yo Gabba Gabba, like old times.
Scene Description: Living room, moments later. Kyle and Ike sit on the sofa watching Yo Gabba Gabba. The troupe performs "Come On And Dance." Toodee steps forward to dance a bit
Ike: Dancy Dance is my favorite.
Kyle: It always has been. See? This is nice. [Foofa steps forward]
Ike: Who would you rather fuck? [Kyle is stunned] Foofa or Toodee?
Kyle: What?
Ike: I wanna fuck Foofa. [a closeup of Foofa dancing] I wouldn't wanna fuck Toodee. She's a dike. You can tell. But Foofa, man. [whips out a can of chewing tobacco, opens it, and scoops some tobacco out] I bet she's got some sweet strange. [puts the tobacco in his mouth] I don't even know what the fuck Muno is.
Kyle: Ike, is that chewing tobacco?
Ike: What?! You gonna fuckin' narc and tell Mom?!
Kyle: No, I just don't think it's healthy.
Ike: That's 'cause you don't understand shit! [stands on the sofa] I knew this was a bad idea! [leaves the sofa and walks away] I'm gonna watch Yo Gabba Gabba in my roomsy!
Scene Description: Mr. Mackey's office, a few days later. Someone knocks on his door.
Mr. Mackey: Come in, m'kay.
Kyle: [opens the door and peeks in] Mr. Mackey, can I talk to you?
Mr. Mackey: Oh-kay, have you set up a counseling appointment on IntelliLink?
Kyle: [goes all the way in] No.
Mr. Mackey: Ookay, that's fine, that's fine. We can use IntelliLink to see what's available. Let's see, counseling request. Students. Make appointment. [presses a key and his window blind goes down, and Kyle notices] Okay, ah whoops. Okay, uh sume, uh students make appoint-alala here we go. Make, make appointment. [presses a key and the lights go out. He looks around] Uhkay, here we go. Uhkay, what do you need counseling with?
Kyle: It's my little brother. He's really changing and I feel like-
Mr. Mackey: Okay, I'll click on family issues. What time did you want counseling?
Kyle: Right now.
Mr. Mackey: Oo-kay, aaand, what is your brother's Intelligrated smart name?
Kyle: I don't know.
Mr. Mackey: Alright, I can do a lookup for the name. Uh go back. Main menu. ["The Heat Is On" begins to play, and Mr. Mackey has lost control] Oh... Damnit. Okay now, back. [mumbles to himself as he tries to set things right] Set- no, set appointment. Okay, speakers off. [his blind rises] Okay, uh... Okay, what is your smart name, Kyle?
Kyle: What?
Mr. Mackey: Sorry, Kyle, we're gonna need to maybe go somewhere else. Uh... find an IntelliLink panel somewhere.
Scene Description: The boys' restroom. Mr. Mackey is on the toilet with an IntelliLink panel to his left, on the wall
Mr. Mackey: Okay, let's see, lights. [presses the light icon and some other icons pop up] Mood. [presses the mood icon and a timer pops up] Start counseling timer. [sets it for 15 minutes and starts it] Okay there we go. Okay, we got it. [smiles] Okay now, Kyle, you had some concerns about your little brother?
Kyle: [takes a moment to gather them] He's just... changing a lot. He walks around angry, telling me I'm stupid and, and all he talks about is sex.
Mr. Mackey: Well it sounds like he's hittin' puberty.
Kyle: Yeah, he just seems so young.
Mr. Mackey: Well, your brother is Canadian. Perhaps Canadian puberty is a little different. Why don't you educate yourself about Canadian puberty and it could be somethin' yeeyou and your brother can actually do together. M'kay? [plop] You know, this is the first time I've been able to do counseling aaand go to the bathroom at the same time. IntelliLink is amazing.
Scene Description: A live program. The Canadian Board of Health Presents, "What Are These Changes?" A Guide To Puberty In Canada
Minister: Hello young people, and welcome to the most fascinating time of your life. You have braved the trials of childhood, and now you are reaching Canadian puberty. By now, you've probably noticed some changes in your body. For instance, when you fart your dick gets hard. [a long pause] Other physical changes are happening to your body as well. If you're a boy you may notice that your testicles ache, or if you're a girl, you may notice a tingling sensation in your strange.
Ike: This is stupid, bro! I already know all this!
Kyle: Let's just give it a chance, Ike.
Minister: Going through Canadian puberty, you may notice that your voice is starting to change as well. You're saying things like "hey boddy" and "hey guy" because now that you're older you're discovering that someone who was once your buddy is now your guy, and someone who you used to call "guy" is quickly becoming your friend. [A shot of Kyle and Ike looking at each other] But now let's discuss how a man and a woman make love. [an animated stick-figure cartoon follows] First, a man and a woman fall in love. Then the man farts on the woman's strange, [That is shown, with audio] filling the woman's strange with air so that the woman can queef on the man's face. [shown, with audio] And, a baby is born. [pop] The entire process can take up to six months a- [turns to his right to listen...] It's what? ... That's not how a baby is born? ... What's semen? ... Well then, why did my wife queef on my face? ... She said it was to- ... [gets mad] Well then why would sh-?! ... I'm gonna get to the bottom of this! [pounds on the desk and leaves]
Scene Description: The street, near his residence, day. The host marches home
Minister: Make me look like an idiot, will you?!
Scene Description: At home. The double doors open and the host comes in. His wife is sitting on the sofa sipping tea
Minister: Ey! You told me you queefed on my face because because that's how babies are born!
Wife: I was being sarcastic.
Minister: Being sarcastic?! I just told a million Canadian teenages that's how it's done!
Wife: I was angry because you never listen to me. Because I wanted you to go with me to therapy and you never go.
Minister: Fine! You want me to go with you to therapy?! Fine!
Scene Description: The host goes to a therapy session with his wife.
Minister: Totally embarrassing and degrading! She queefed right in my face!
Therapist: Well, maybe you should spend less time at work making public health films and more time at home.
Kyle: What the fuck is going on?!
Ike: [hops off the sofa...] You're fucking stupid, Kyle! [...and walks away]
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day, Room 7. The class is in the dark listening to "All Night Long" again. Mr. Garrison his his fingers in his ears to block out the song
Kyle: I don't know what else to do, dude. No matter what I try, me and Ike just seem to drift further apart!
Stan: He doesn't ever want to play with you anymore?
Kyle: He doesn't even let me near him!
Cartman: That sucks, dude.
Kyle: What??
Cartman: I said THAT SUCKS, DUDE.
Kyle: Oh, thanks! [Mr. Mackey is at the IntelliLink panel trying to set things right. The music stops and he stands up]
Mr. Mackey: Okay, there we go. That's cut the speakers off. Now what was it you were trying to do, Kyle?
Kyle: I was trying to make an appointment to see the principal about getting excused on Friday. So I can take my brother to go see Yo Gabba Gabba Live.
Mr. Garrison: Mr. Mackey, can he just go talk to the principal?
Mr. Mackey: No, this is gonna work! I called IntelliLink and they said they were sending over an engineer. [someone knocks on the door.]
Cody: [looks in] Is this Classroom 7?
Mr. Mackey: Yes!
Cody: My name's Cody. I'm your smartnician. You're havin' some intelliproblems with your astutelinks?
Mr. Mackey: Yeah, a student is trying to make an appointment to see the principal. M'kay?
Cody: [taps the screen a few times] Uh huh, well here's the problem: your amsrtnames aren't intelligrated. [shows him the error screen]
Mr. Mackey: Oh I see.
Cody: If you wanna have those intelligrated with EasyLink, you might wanna upgrade your system to the silver package.
Mr. Mackey: Uh, I I needed the silver package? Okay okay? Can we do that?
Cody: Let my call my supervisor on the intelliphone. [calls in]
Scene Description: Ike's room, day. He's playing with his toy trucks - a fire engine and a dump truck. He crashes them into each other. Kyle knocks on the door and then enters
Kyle: Hey Ike.
Ike: Get out of my room, Kyle! I'm playing trucks!
Kyle: Ike, I'm sorry, but I couldn't get us out of school Friday. I can't take you to Yo Gabba Gabba Live.
Ike: You promised!
Kyle: I couldn't get in to see the principal, Ike.
Ike: Well what am I supposed to do?! See it myself?! I'm a little baby! Who's gonna hold my fuckin' hand?! You don't give a shit about how I feel!
Kyle: Ike, I do! I just-
Ike: You just love pushing me around! Is that what you wanna do, Kyle?! Kick the baby?! Well alrighty bro! Come on, Kyle! Kick the baby! [Kyle just looks at him, Ike takes off his shirt] Come on bro! Kick the fuckin' baby! Let's see you try it, wuss!
Scene Description: The Pepsi Center in Denver, day. Yo Gabba Gabba Live is starting. Next, a live performance of "Don't Bite People"
Plex: Hey Muno, what should we do now?
Muno: Let's play Cool Cool Trick.
Plex: Aaaall right! Who out in the audience has a cool cool trick to show us? [a line of kids is already in place. A boy steps forward] What's your name, little boy?
Ryan: My name is Ryan!
Plex: And what is your cool cool trick, Ryan?
Ryan: My cool cool trick is that I can jump in the air. [the kids in the audience cheer. Kyle notices that Ike has left his seat] Let's see you... jump in the air! [Ryan jumps, and the troupe cheers him on. Ike cuts in line and steps forward]
Plex: And what's your name, little boy?
Ike: Ike Broflovski.
Plex: Do you have a cool trick?
Ike: Yeah, for my cool cool trick I'm gonna tame Foofa's strange.
Plex: Tame mo what?
Ike: I can tame Foofa's strange, bro.
Plex: Uhhh, alright. Let's see our friend Ike tame Foofa's strange! [Ike walks up to Foofa]
Kyle: [running towards the stage] Ike no! Stop!
Plex: Oh, I see. You're actually- [shakes his head] Wait! Oh my God, what are you doing?! No no no! [parents in the audience quickly cover their kids' eyes] What are you doing to Foofa?! No!
Scene Description: The green room, after the show. Kyle and Ike sit on a sofa flanked by two officers
Plex: Now you listen here, little boy! It is never okay to take off your clothes and grind on another person!
Toodee: No, that's wrong!
Plex: Don't do it.
Brobee: Uh uh.
Kyle: We're so sorry. Please forgive my little brother. He's going through puberty.
Muno: A little young for that, isn't he?
Kyle: That's what I thought.
Ike: This is stupid, bro. [takes out some chewing tobacco] Foofa shouldn't be limiting herself to little kids. She's fuckin' fine, dude. [puts it in his mouth]
Plex: What you did was very traumatic for Foofa. Isn't that right, Foofa? [Foofa is frowning, but stays silent] Foofa?
Foofa: He's right, Plex. We're getting older. I don't wanna do the little kid thing the rest of my life.
Brobee: Foofa, what are you talking about?
Foofa: It's time for us to start playing to older people. Maybe we need to be edgier. Have a little sex appeal.
Toodee: Foofa, no!
Foofa: I'm an artist. And if all I ever do is play to kids, then I'll be a joke. [turns around and walks towards the door] I have to move on. [walks out of the room]
Plex: Oh God. What has this little boy done??
Scene Description: A Canadian pub. The minister of health is sitting with an older man at table
Minister: I try not to think about it, Rick. I try to just forget aboot it and then move on, but I can't. I mean... she queefed right in my face!
Rick: Have you and your wife seen a therapist together?
Minister: Yes, we went but... I just can't erase the memory of my helpless face being queefed on like that. Who's to say she won't do it again?
Rick: Don't you think this has something to do with your new job?
Minister: What do you mean?
Rick: There's more to this, Terry. A lady never queefs in her lord's face without some major cause. You started as the Canadian Minister of Health and three months later your wife queefed in your face. There's a connection.
Terry: I took the job to try and make Canada's health care system better. What could that have to do with my wife?
Rick: Terry, I'm your friend. And I'm not just your friend, I'm also your boddy
Terry: Thanks, guy.
Rick: [points a finger at him] And I'm telling you there's more to this than you think! [crosses his arms] And if you want to save your marriage, and your face, you need to figure it out quick.
Scene Description: South Park Elementary Faculty Lounge, day. Principal Victoria has called a staff meeting, with Mr. Mackey as the man in the hot seat
Principal Victoria: Mr. Mackey, so far the school has spent [reads the bill] $22,000 on the IntelliLink system, and so far it's been an unmitigated disaster.
Mr. Mackey: Well yeah, but see, the problem is not everyone is not everyone is signed on to it yet.
Mr. Adler: They can't sign on to it because every time they try they make the sprinklers go off!
Mr. Mackey: I know that IntelliLink has had some... hiccups... uhkay. But I've hired a new faculty member whose sole responsibility will be to oversee the IntelliLink system and make sure it runs smoothly. I want you all to meet Pat Conners. [she enters and takes a seat next to Mr. Mackey]
Pat: Hello everyone.
Mr. Mackey: [immediately points a finger at her] Don't "Hello" us, Pat! This system that you're responsible for now isn't working out! So [pounds his fist on the table] what the hell are you gonna do about it?!
Pat: Oh. Well, I'm just sort of getting acclimated to the situation and I-
Mr. Mackey: Getting acclimated?! [stands up in anger] Do you know how much money we wated on that thing?! How about you take some damned responsibility! Get the hell out of here, Pat! You're fired! Get out! [Pat takes her briefcase and walks out] Well. How the hell are we gonna clean up Pat's mess? I guess, I dunno, I guess we got no choice, m'kay. We're just gonna need to the upgrade to the IntelliLink Gold Package. [opens his laptop to show the splash screen]
Principal Victoria: Oh noo!
Mr. Mackey: No, see, it's a $10,000 upgrade, but it should clean up all of Pat's mistakes.
Coach: Mr. Mackey, let's be clear. IntelliLink was your idea. You should admit it was a bad one and stop being so defensive.
Mr. Mackey: Well ih it's good to be a little defensive around you, Miles, m'kay. Let's, let's not forget that your wife died of an "accident" while you were "drinking" on a "hike," "N'kay!"
Miles: Hey now listen here-!
Mr. Mackey: No! Now you listen to me! [pounds his fist on the table] IntelliLink is a great idea, and we just need the Goddamned Gold Package! We are doublin' down!
Scene Description: E! News segment
Anchor: [voice only] You're watching E! Entertainment News. God knows why. [video added] She's all grown up and she wants you to know it. From kids show star to sex symbol, Yo Gabba Gabba's Foofa is ready to rock! [a montage of Foofa magazine covers and poses] She's been seen out partying, photographed smoking pot, and now, Foofa has announced a raunchy performance on the MTV Video Music Awards. Foofa's new manager claims the MTV performance will be one for the record books.
Ike: [At a bar via satellite, drinking, smoking AND chewing tobacco.] Foofa's got that nice shaved strange that you just wanna get in and tame the second you see it.
Anchor: The video awards are at 8 pm tomorrow.
Scene Description: The Broflovski living room, evening. Ike and Foofa are watching E! from the sofa.
Foofa: Oh this is so exciting!
Ike: Told you it'd go over well.
Kyle: [walks in from the kitchen and stares at both of them, then firmly says] Excuse me, but Ike has homework he's supposed to be doing.
Ike: Shut up, Kyle! Just ignore my little brother.
Kyle: I'm your big brother, Ike! [the doorbell rings]
Ike: Answer the door, twerp! [Kyle is angry, but there's not much he can do, so he answers the door. He sees Plex]
Plex: Can I talk to you?
Kyle: I'm sorry, but right now I'm feeling-
Plex: Foofa! [runs in, followed by the other Gabbers]
Brobee: Thank you, dude.
Muno: Oh thank God.
Toodee: Heey.
Kyle: Hey!
Plex: Foofa, what is this about you going on the MTV Video Awards?
Foofa: I'm done being a kiddie star!
Plex: Foofa, you don't have to show your strange to get attention.
Ike: You just don't get it 'cause you're a robot, Plex.
Plex: Alright, you won't listen to us, but maybe you'll listen to our special guest, Sinéad O'Connor! [the rest of thte troupe welcome her as she walks up to them]
Sinéad: Don't do it, Foofa, Don't sell out your strange to those corporate bastards.
Ike: Awww, screw off, Sinéad O'Connor. No one gives a crap about you.
Plex: Don't show your strange on TV.
Troupe: Don't show your strange.
Plex: Your strange is for your husband, not for all the world to see.
Troupe: Don't show your strange on TV
Sinéad: I'm looking for a boyfriend. Looking for a boyfriend.
Kyle: Will you get out of my living room, please?! [the phone rings and he answers it] Hello?!
Terry: [calling in from Canada] ...Have you ever had someone you love queef in your face? [serves himself some Canadian port]
Kyle: What?
Terry: I'm sorry, I'm calling everyone in the Canadian health care system to find out if they're pleased with their health care. Is this [checks his monitor] Ike Broflovski?
Kyle: No, this is his brother.
Terry: Your brother receives his medication from us, so we just wanna be sure he's satisfied with the service.
Kyle: Satisfied with- [thinks a bit] Wait a minute. What medication?!
Scene Description: Canadian Health Department, day.
Terry: Before this meeting continues, I should have you be aware that my face has tested positive for queefie sores.
Kyle: [confused] Ah I'm sorry, but I don't really care. I just want to know what medication my little has been getting from you, and why?!
Terry: People all over the world get their medication from Canada.
Kyle: Yeah, but something is wrong with my brother and it might be your fault!
Terry: That's impossible! The Canadian health care system is completely integrated and streamlined with IntelliLink. [this alarms Kyle]
Kyle: You use IntelliLink?? Oh my God! Will you check his records please?
Terry: Sure, no problem. [gets to work] Now, what is your brother's Canadian Medicare's smartname?
Kyle: I dunno! [thinks a bit] Try "strangetamer."
Terry: "strangetamer" [the lights go out, a window shade comes down] Uh, yeP, there it is. [presses a key and the lights come on] Ahh yes, here we go. I see your little brother has a constipation problem and has been taking a daily laxative since last May. [check again] Ah, yes, I'm afraid IntelliLink mixed that up and your brother has been receiving large doses of hormones that were supposed to go to an athlete in the northeast.
Kyle: Are you saying that Ike has been given regular doses of hormones because of an IntelliLink screwup?!
Terry: Yes, that's right.
Kyle: That system is totally screwed up and does nothing but wreak havoc!
Terry: It's fine! [pounds the table with his fists] It works fine! Just give it some time! [stands up] God, you sound like my wife! [turns left and walks away from the chair.] My... my wife.
Rick: [sitting in an armchair nearby] That must be it. Don't you see, Terry? That health care integration system has made you defensive and hostile, and your wife's been puttin' up with it.
Terry: [thinking out loud, in a stammer] And... that's why she queefed in my face.
Kyle: Ex-cuse me?! If my little brother has been getting some athlete's hormones, then who has been getting Ike's medication?!
Scene Description: A Patriots vs. Broncos game, day
Announcer: Tom Brady looking sluggish again today. Not sure what his problem has been lately.
Tom Brady: Blue 28! ... Blue 28!
Commentator: Yeah, definitely not looking as strong and virile as he has in the past, Tom.
Tom Brady: [his pants begin filling with poop] Huthuuuut [more poop comes out. The more he says it, the more his pants fill with poop] Hike!
Announcer: Brady steps back to pass. [Brady makes sure not to trip over his poop] He's got an open man at the 40 yard line! [Tom throws the ball, but it goes straight to the ground]
Commentator: And whatever is wrong with Tom Brady just seems to be getting worse. [Exhausted, Brady just sits on top of his poop and then sinks into it] Go Broncos.
Scene Description: South Park Elementary cafeteria, day. The sprinklers haved turned on and drenched everything. "The Heat Is On" plays on the PA system. Mr. Mackey sits on the floor in the same position Brady was in. The emergency lights flash on and off, and the kids are still eating lunch, despite being drenched. Suddenly, the music, lights, and sprinklers stop
Cody: Okay, there we go. [Mr. Mackey lifts his head up, disgusted] Your students can buy school lunches now, but they won't be able to get grades.
Mr. Mackey: No, they have to be able to get grades!
Cody: Well, what you prbably wanna do is upgrade to IntelliLink Platinum.
Mr. Mackey: No! There's no more upgrades, m;kay?! I just want this [points to a panel] to work!
Cody: ...What exactly do you mean by "work"?
Mr. Mackey: I just want students to be able to make appointments to see the counselor, be able to see the school norse in the easiest, most streamlined fashion!
Cody: Oh, you want the Centurion package. That's where we take all the IntelliLink panels and we rip them off the walls and we burn them. Then we wipe all the computers of IntelliLink software and you never deal with us again.
Mr. Mackey: [walks away and thinks it over] Alright, upgrade me to the Centurion package.
Cody: Right away. [goes to Room 7 to rip off the panel from the wall as Mr. Garrison watches from his desk, goes to the bathroom and rips the panels off the walls, goes to the various school offices and tears the panels off there, makes a bonfire in a steel drum out on the playground, and dumps all the IntelliLink hardware into it. He returns to the cafeteria and joins Mr. Mackey again, offering him a clipboard] Well alright sir, here's a clipboard you can use for students to sign up for counseling, [Mr. Garrison takes the clipboard] and I wanna thank you for choosing IntelliLink. [reaches into his back pocket, takes out a gun, and blows his brains out. He falls down, dead. All the students as well as Mackey are stunned]
Scene Description: The MTV VMAs, night
Announcer: The MTV Video Music Awards will be back with a performance from Yo Gabba Gabba's Foofa singing, "Pound My Sweet Strange."
Scene Description: backstage, Foofa and Ike wait for her cue
Stage hand: Two minutes, Foofa.
Foofa: Thanks. Oh my, here we go! [Kyle appears at the far end of the room]
Kyle: Ike! [runs up to him] Wait! [the rest of Yo Gabba Gabba show up]
Ike: Get out of here, dude!
Kyle: Ike, there's been a mistake. You don't understand.
Ike: No, you don't understand, wuss! Why can't you just let me grow up?! Why do you keep harassing me?!
Kyle: Because you're my little brother, Godddamnit! [Ike is awed at this] And even when I'm fifty and you're forty-five, you're still gonna be my little brother!
Host: All right, y'all, here comes our next big act!
Kyle: Ike, I don't care if you wanna grow up, I just wanna be by your side while you do it.
Host: Give it up for the sexiest bitch on earth, it's Foofa!
Foofa: Come on, Ike. Ike?
Ike: He's right, Foofa. Part of growing up is rebelling, but I'm gonna get older whether I like it or not. So why push it? I think I'm just gonna let it happen naturally. [walks to Kyle and the troupe]
Yo Gabba Gabba: Yaaaaay.
Brobee: Foofa? [Foofa looks at the curtains, then at the group, then takes off her towel to reveal her domiatrix outfit, with two arrows pointing towards her strange, and walks out onto the stage]
Foofa: Come on, come on, and pound my strange. Pound it like this, [Yo Gabba Gabba reacts. Brobee covers his eyes] pound it like that.
Scene Description: Terry's mansion, day. He comes home, enters, and walks up to his wife
Terry: It was a mistake.
Wife: What?
Terry: Trying to reform Canada's health care system and being too stubborn to admit that it wasn't working. And even when my wife said the system was too complicated, I wouldn't listen.
Wife: Oh Terry, I was just trying to get your attention. I'm sorry I queefed in your face.
Terry: I deserved it. Anyone who thinks streamlining health care into an integreated health care system would go smoothly deserves a giant queef in their face. Thank you, my lady.
Wife: So IntelliLink is gone, my lord?
Terry: Yes, I've upgraded to the Gold package. Within no time, Canadians everywhere will be getting their correct medications, and going back to normal.
Scene Description: The Broflovski house, just before dawn. Kyle is asleep, but is awakened by chortles of laughter from downstairs. He gets up and goes to see what's happening
Kyle: Ike?
Ike: [back to his normal voice] Kyle! It's Dora the Explorer!
Dora: Come on, let's climb the mountain.
Kyle: It sure is. Do you want me to watch it with you, Ike?
Ike: Yaaay! [Kyle is pretty happy too, and joins him on the sofa]
Dora: We made it all the way to the top.
Ike: Oh man, I wouldn't mind hittin' that. I bet she's got that hot Puerto Rican strange. [Kyle's smile vanishes]
Kyle: Yeah, I bet she does.
Ike: Yaaaay!


Scene Description: Lunchtime at the South Park Elementary Cafeteria.
Cartman: [walks in] Hey, everyone? Excuse me! [the other kids start to turn towards him] Everybody, can I just have a second of your time, please? Everyone, listen up. [finally has everyone's attention] Listen everybody, I uh... I owe Kyle a big apology and I... I wanna do it in fromt of everyone because... ugh... I was wrong, Kyle.
Kyle: About what?!
Cartman: I'm afraid that... Kyle and I got into a little disagreement yesterday. Yeah, yeah it's... pretty nasty. And um, I was totally wrong and you were right, Kyle. I thought only humans could be gingers. Is Davin here? Davin Miller? [a ginger boy with dark red hair leans to his left for a better view] Oh yeah, there you are. I own an apology to you too, Davin. When Kyle said that humans weren't the only species that can have light skin and freckles I totally laughed in his face. But it turns out Kyle was right: there are other animals that can be ginger as well I didn't believe it. I guess I didn't want to believe it, but this morning I saw a red-haired light-skinned cow and I owe you, Kyle, and you, Davin, my sincerest apology.
Craig: Where did you find a red-haired cow?
Cartman: [crosses his right arm over his chest and points to the doors behind his left shoulder] Oh would you- Would you guys like to see it?
Scene Description: a pasture, nearby. The class walks towards a pasture near the school. Cartman climbs to the top of the fence. Stan and Clyde pop their heads into the pasture for a better look. Kevin, and Kenny join Cartman on the second rung. The other kids stand behind the first rung.
Cartman: There! There it is right there, see? A red-headed cow. [The camera turns right and stops at a cow with a Jewfro, glasses, a freckled face, and huge red polka dots on her body. Cartman laughs at his cleverness]
Butters: Whoa, look at it!
Cartman: [giggling to himself] You were right, Kyle. A ginger cow. I shall never question your keen intellect again!
Craig: [takes out his phone and starts taking pictures] Wow, that's pretty trippy.
Cartman: Yes! Yeah, be sure to get some pictures of it! [Butters and Kevin take their phones out...] I'm pretty sure this occurs only rarely in nature! [Jimmy takes out his phone...]
Kyle: Alright, Cartman, joke's over. [Kenny takes out his phone]
Cartman: What? What joke? This is real!
Kyle: Tell everyone you made the cow look like that!
Cartman: No, [drops down to the ground] no, you were right, Kyle. I was wrong.
Butters: Boy Eric, I sure do admire your courage to admit when you made a mistake.
Cartman: Thank you, Butters! [laughs to himself]
Craig: I gotta show this to my mom! [leaves, and the other kids disperse]
Butters: Let's go get the kindergartners. Uh they're gonna wanna see this too! [leaves. Only Kyle remains with Cartman]
Cartman: Yeah, be sure to show everyone, guys. It's really amazing. Heheh, too good, too too good.
Kyle: Even the dumbest lie can have big consequences.
Cartman: Yes, you're right, Kyle. I'm sure that that... is going to have earth-shattering consequences. Heheheheh. [walks away]
Scene Description: A montage of three news reports. The first one is from Al Aziz Network, where one of the news team members browses the Web for news. He's reading reports in various languages - Korean, then French. The French report gets his attention, "اه! این چیه؟" (Eh! What is this?) he calls some colleagues over and says ".اینجا رو نگاه کن! اوه، اینجا رو نگاه کن! می‌گه یه گاو ماده‌ی قرمز دیده شده" (Take a look! Hey, take a look! Says a red heifer was found.) His colleague asks him "کجا این گاو قرمز ماده دیده شده؟" (Where was this red heifer found?) He replies with "این یعنی چی؟" (What does this mean?) when his colleague says "!زود باش! زود باش! ما اینو باید همین الان خبر بدیم" (Quick, quick! We gotta go public with this right away.) The scene changes to a broadcast with a voice-over ".هم‌اکنون اخبار را برای گزارش مخصوصی موقتا قطع می‌کنیم" (We interrupt this broadcast for a special report.) with a text on the screen which reads "اخبار دنیای ایرانی" meaning Persian World News with an Iranian news anchor reporting an irrelevant story ".مجلس مالزی منحل شد. مجلس این کشور را منحل اعلام کرد تا زمینه را برای انتخابات آماده سازد" (Malaysian parliament dissolved. The Parliament announced the dissolution of the country to set the stage for early elections.) He then reaches for a pistol under his desk and blows his brains out. Next are two Swahili reports covering the same report. The female reporter uses a pistol blows her brains out first, then the male reporter. The last scene has a Japanese reporter covering the report, but he has a dagger ready for seppuku. As he reports, he performs the seppuku, dying just as he ends the report. A colleague comes up and chops his head off with a katana, then uses a pistol to blow his own brains out.
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, Room 7. The kids are in their seats, and the PA system comes on.
Mr. Mackey: Your attention, please. Will Kyle Broflovski report to the principal's office?
Kyle: Huh?
Mr. Mackey: Kyle Broflovski to the principal's office. Please. Umkay?
Butters: Hohoh! What'd you do, Kyle?
Kyle: Nothing. [hops off his chair to leave the classroom]
Butters: Busted!
Scene Description: Principal Victoria's office, moments later. Kyle enters and closes the door, but notices three rabbis to his left.
Mr. Mackey: Ah, thanks for comin', Kyle.
Kyle: Wuwhat's going on?
Principal Victoria: Kyle, these men have apparently come all the way from Israel to speak with me, but... we need a translator.
Kyle: [glances at the rabbis again] I don't speak Hebrew.
Mr. Mackey: Kyle, please try your best. It seems pretty important. [to the rabbis, in bad English] This.. boy... uhkay... is Jew. Uhkay? Jew... like you. Uhkay? Please... uh, please try... speak... to Jew.[Kyle looks at the rabbis]
Rabbi 1: [sighs] We're just trying to tell them that we come on very urgent business. [Kyle looks back at Mr. Mackey]
Mr. Mackey: Anything?
Kyle: He said they come on urgent business.
Principal Victoria: Ohh, what does he need?
Rabbi 2: Look, we believe that this school has something which is of the utmost importance to our people! We wish to see the red cow!
Kyle: The red- Oh come on, you can't possibly be here for that!
Principal Victoria: For what? What did he say, Kyle?
Rabbi 1: Please, you must understand! The fate of the world is at stake! [walks to his right and walks over to the window] The coming of a red heifer is the nost holy sign in all of Judaism. It signals the beginning of the End. It is not just our religion, but Islam and Christianity as well. They all agree on one thing. [turns around] That the red heifer means the End of Times.
Mr. Mackey: You catch any of that, Kyle? [Kyle looks at Mr. Mackey in disbelief]
Scene Description: The pasture, moments later. Kyle leads the rabbis, Principal Victoria, and Mr. Mackey to the cow.
Kyle: It's right over here by uh-
Rabbi 2: Oh my holy shmear! [a group of Muslims is already bowing down to the cow. One of them notices him and tells him to get out. (!برو بیرون)]
Rabbi 2: The Muslims! They beat us here! [hops the fence and charges at them. The other two follow suit.]
Mr. Mackey: [frantic] What's goin' on, Kyle??
Kyle: He said the Muslims beat them here- [to himself] God damn it!
Rabbi 2: [arrives next to the cow] Step away! You all know what this means!
Cleric 1: Yes! And you know you are about to die!
Kyle: Hold on everybody. This thing isn't even a-
Rabbi 1: Don't touch it! [they all surround the cow, keeping Kyle and each other away from it]
Scene Description: Some hours later, the police have arrived and cordoned off the cow, and put up barriers further out to keep everyone away from it. The growing crowd begins to clamor
Cartman: [to a reporter] Well I just ran to the school and told everyone, "Hey, there's a redheaded cow outside; you should all see it."
Kyle: [trying to reach Cartman, but trapped by the crowd] Cartman, stop! You don't know what you're doing!
Cartman: I'm pretty sure that this cow could make ginger cheese, which is like a Swiss cheese, except instead of holes, it has freckles. [chuckles loudly]
Kyle: NOOOO!
Rabbi 4: [arrives with a sheet of paper, and Rabbi 2 looks at it] The Muslims and the Christians are calling for a meeting to discuss the terms of war.
Rabbi 2: Very well, let us meet to discuss how the world as we know it ends.
Scene Description: The Airport Hilton, day.
Rabbi 1: Alright, so far we agree there'll be no automatic rifles, no shanks, and no chemical weapons.
Cleric 2: If there can be no chemical weapons, then the Christians can use no nuclear weapons. [clamoring follows]
Bishop: Come on, without nuclear weapons, what kind of final Armageddon is this gonna be?! [clamoring follows]
Rabbi 3: But couldn't we agree on non-ballistic nuclear weapons only?
Bishop: Yeah, I suppose that's fine.
Cleric 2: That makes sense.
Rabbi 1: Non-ballistic nuclear only. Alright. Now on to prisoners. Are we all agreeing to decapitations?
Israeli: Of course we are! What do you think this is?!
Others: Yeah, come on! Just get to it!
Cleric 3: Wait a minute, wait a minute! Has anyone noticed something? We are all in a room together. Talking. [walks to the front of the crowd] Has it occurred to anyone else that this prophecy, which amazingly is in all three religions, could actually be meant to bring us together?
Bishop: [walks up to him] The prophecy says the red heifer signals the End. [joins him] Could it mean the end of... war?
Rabbi 1: If the cow is sacrificed in Israel according to the prophecy, then perhaps it could bring about peace.
Scene Description: Jerusalem, day. a wonderful view of the city. A helicopter comes into view with the ginger cow dangling from it. It arrives at the Temple and hovers over it. A few second later, the sling holding the cow is released and the cow falls onto the roof of the temple, dying on impact. The crows looks at the helicopter leave and then cheers
Scene Description: Anderson Cooper 360 news segment
Anderson Cooper: After all the years of holy wars and hatred, a possibility for peace... in the Middle East. In the past 48 hours, Jews, Muslims, and Christians have met in Israel to sort out their differences. It may be a rocky road, but many say the chance for peace is real. And all because of a red cow, discovered by a young boy here in the U.S. [the doorbell rings and Kyle goes to answer it]We'll be back with more on these amazing developments after this. [Kyle opens the door and sees that it's Cartman]
Cartman: Hey Kyle. Y-you got a minute?
Kyle: Yeah. [Cartman enters and Kyle closes the door]
Cartman: I've gotta tell you something, Kyle. The red-headed cow... isn't real. I made him up.
Kyle: No shit!
Cartman: I totally lied, Kyle. And when you asked me if I had lied, I looked you right in the eye and said "No." I owe you an apology and, I mean it.
Kyle: Well it-... it's okay. there's no denying it all worked out for the best this time a-.
Cartman: [shakes his head] No! No, Kyle, you said that it's never for the best. Remember that? And you're right. You're right, Kyle!
Kyle: Oh no. Nohoho no. Cartman, don't you do this! The Middle East is finally at peace!
Cartman: But it's not true. Kyle, I'm being serious. I really think I have to tell the truth! I I don't know how I can live with this. I don't think I can unless eh, unless I don't know mm-maybe you c-called your mom a fat skank? [no reply] Maybe if you'd said that to your mom and... told her that her tits belonged in a morgue, then, maybe somehow I could live with this lie.
Kyle: Dude, go to Hell!
Cartman: You're right. You're right, Kyle. I should just tell the truth and be done with it! [picks up the house phone and starts punching]
Kyle: Wwwait. [Cartman stops]
Scene Description: The kitchen, moments later. Sheila is washing dishes when Kyle and Cartman enter
Kyle: Mom?
Sheila: Hi bubbe.
Kyle: Mom, there's sssomething I need to tttell you.
Sheila: What is it, Kyle?
Kyle: [looks down and to his right] You're a fat skank, Mom. [shuts his eyes. Sheila is shocked]
Cartman: [gasps loudly] Kyle! Oh my gosh, what did you just say??
Kyle: You're a fat skank, Mom, and your tits belong in a morgue. [turns and walks out. Cartman's jaw drops.]
Cartman: Ohh my God! [whips out his camera phone and feigns concern] Ms. Broflovski, are you okay? Does he always talk to you like that?
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, next day. Cartman walks down the hallway, with Kyle trailing him, carrying his backpack and books
Cartman: [reaching his locker] Yeah, come on over here. I got some more stuff in my locker, Kyle. [opens his locker and puts a book on top of the stack. Stan, at his neighboring locker, notices]
Stan: How come you're carrying Cartman's stuff?
Kyle: I just... thought it'd be nice.
Cartman: [puts another book on the stack] Kyle is doing all kinds of things for me. He finished my homework, [puts a third book on the stack] gave me the soda from his lunch. [removes the second and third books he just placed on the stack] I think he's just really stoked on me for helping bring peace to the Middle East. [places the third book back on the stack] Right, Kyle? [puts the second book back in the locker]
Kyle: Yes sir.
Cartman: Oh, looks like most everyone's here. Um, wasn't there something you wanted to say, Kyle? Remember about the...?
Kyle: Yes. [sets Cartman's books and backpack on the floor, then walks to the middle of the hallway] I love Cartman's farts.
Cartman: You what??
Kyle: Yummy yummy yummy I want Cartman's farts in my tummy.
Craig: Dude, what the hell are you talking about?
Kyle: Yummy yummy yummy can I please Cartman's farts in my tummy?
Cartman: [walks up to him] Okay okay Jesus, uh, lay down on your back, Kyle. [Kyle does so, and Cartman backs up onto Kyle's face] Let's see what I can muster up here.
Kyle: Yummy yummy yummy yummy yummy yummy yummy yummy yummy yummy.
Cartman: Let's see. Oh! Oh! [farts, then gets off Kyle]
Kyle: [stands up] Yummy yummy thank you Cartman. [turns around and walks away. Cartman smiles. Stan and Kenny can't believe it]
Stan: [enunciating] What the fuck?
Scene Description: Mr. Mackey's office. Someone knocks on his door
Mr. Mackey: Come on in.
Kyle: [opens the door and walks in] Mr. Mackey, can I talk to you?
Mr. Mackey: Wuh sure, Kyle. What's the matter?
Kyle: If you knew something, but, you couldn't tell anyone, what... what would you do?
Mr. Mackey: Well, Kyle, living with a lie is never a good thing. Okay. Could... could you maybe just tell me?
Kyle: [rubs his tears away] Okay okay... I love having Cartman's farts in my tummy. I love it. [Cartman sneaks a peek around the open door] I love it sooo sooo much.
Mr. Mackey: Well... why do you like his farts in your tummy?
Kyle: Because they taste so yummy. [his voice quivers, Cartman giggles from behind the door]
Mr. Mackey: Well Kyle, that's kind of odd. Uh, not sure how to help you with that.
Cartman: [enters and clears his throat] Oh, Mr. Mackey, could I-Oh, uhhh. Hey, sorry, am I interrupting?
Kyle: Not if you... have some delicious farts for me.
Cartman: [small gasp] Kyle, are you sure?
Kyle: Please...
Cartman: Well alright. [farts into his left hand and cups it over Kyle's mouth, making sure the fart goes all the way in.]
Kyle: Yummy yummy.
Mr. Mackey: Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm kaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay.
Scene Description: Jerusalem, evening. a huge crowd of people from all three Faiths of the Book cheers as a cleric, a rabbi, and a bishop sit at table onstage. Each has a symbol of his faith with him - the cleric has a cow bell, the rabbi has a candle, and the bishop has a chalice
Bishop: Today... begins the new Israel. [the cleric lifts up a cow bell and rings it, then sets it down] Today, we are all united as one. [the rabbi lights the candle] Chakam balada.
Crowd: Chakam balada! Chakam balada! [followed by lots of cheering]
Rabbi 3: Now, let us celebrate under one symbol! [the clergy go their separate ways and the table sinks into the stage. After several peals of the bell, the floot the table was on returns to the stage as the three religious symbols combine to form... the Van Halen logo. Van Halen's music comes on and the stage lights go on. Eddie Van Halen takes the stage, followed by the rest of Van Halen, with David Lee Roth on mic]
Rabbi: No way no waaay!
Muslim: Epiiic!
David Lee Roth: Hello Israel! [launches into "Ain't Talkin' 'Bout Love"]
CNN Reporter: The party is officially underway. Jews, Christians and Muslims have united, ushering ten years of Van Halen. [archived live footage follows] Out in the crowd, people are celebrating like never before. [nineteen seconds of footage and song follow] No doubt Israel is the happiest, rockingest place to be.
Scene Description: Kyle's room, day. He's sitting on his bed, tortured. His eyes are closed
Stan: Hey Kyle.
Kyle: Hey
Stan: Kyle, there's peace in the Middle East. They're saying maybe it's gonna lead to peace all over the world. Everyone's really happy. You should be too.
Kyle: I am happy, Stan. I'm thrilled.
Stan: ...Dude, we've been friends a long time. Can you just tell me why you like Cartman's farts so much?
Kyle: [gets emotional] I just do, Stan.
Stan: You like... how they smell? How they taste?
Kyle: Yes.
Stan: They're really that good?
Kyle: Yes.
Stan: Should I try them?
Kyle: NO.
Ringtone: Yummy yummy. Yummy yummy. Yummy yummy. Yummy yummy.
Kyle: This is Cartman. I have to take it. [answers his phone] Hello?
Cartman: Hey, I was just about to order some dinner. What sounds better in your mouth tomorrow? Thai or Greek?
Kyle: [keeping quite calm] I don't care.
Cartman: I care, Kyle. You should have a say in this; they're your yummy farts. Should we go with Thai?
Kyle: That's fine. [hangs up]
Stan: ...Kyle, maybe you should get some help.
Kyle: Please, just, just leave it alone, Stan. Everything is as it has to be.
Scene Description: The landing outside. Kenny waits for Stan to come out. Stan does this and closes the door
Stan: I don't get it, Kenny.
Kenny: (Dude, maybe he's like mentally ill or something)
Stan: Well whatever it is, we have to figure it out. I think all those farts are starting to get to Kyle's head.
Scene Description: That night, Kyle is tossing and turning in his bed
Kyle: No more. No more. Oh, come on, Cartman, no. No more. [begins to reject Cartman's farts in his dreams. A bright light appears and Kyle wakes up, then looks at the foot of his bed]
God: Kyle Broflovski.
Kyle: Huh? Who...? Who is that?
God: Why do you endure all the farts, Kyle?
Kyle: I... because the world is at peace. I must endure.
God: What you are doing... is the most awesome thing ever.
Kyle: I... I know.
God: Who else would take such torment?
Kyle: That's, that that's k-kind of what I was thinking.
God: You should like, shave your head and get all peaceful about it. Your sacrifice saves the world.
Kyle: Yes.
Scene Description: Bathroom, next day. Kyle shaves all his hair off
Kyle: I endure what I must for the sake of all humanity.
Scene Description: Jerusalem, evening. During vespers, "Hot For Teacher" begins to play
CNN Reporter: [now in party mode - shirtless and with face paint on] What can this reporter say except that Israel freaking rocks! Things just keep getting better here, Tom. And in a few days, they'll be honoring the little boy who discovered the red cow, here on stage, and things are gonna go off!
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. In the hallway, Kyle, now bald, is laying on the floor as Cartman sits on him again, trying to fart
Cartman: You're gonna... come with me... to Israel, Kyle? [three quick farts]
Kyle: Yes! Yes I will!
Cartman: Huh? You comin'? [three more quick ones]
Kyle: Yes, whatever you want. [a longer fart]
Cartman: Okay. I want the whole world to see how much you love my farts. Plane leaves tomorrow. [leaves, screen right. Kyle stands up]
Stan: Kyle, don't do this. Don't eat Cartman's farts in front of the whole world.
Butters: Just stop, please.
Kyle: [dressed in gray pants and white tunic, no footwear] It's okay. Everyone, it's okay. Perhaps one day, you will all understand. What I do, I do because I care about each and every one of you. [walks away, screen left]
Craig: Well now he just sounds like a self-righteous asshole.
Scene Description: Kyle's room, day. He's sitting on his bed, meditating. His eyes are open
Stan: Hey Kyle.
Kyle: Hello, Stan.
Stan: Um, dude, we need to talk. This has to stop.
Kyle: There are greater things at work than what you understand.
Stan: If you wanna suck farts, Kyle, that's fine. Go ahead. But you can't suck farts and be a dick about it.
Kyle: I'm actually the complete opposite.
Stan: All of a sudden you seem to think you're above everyone else!
Kyle: I'm not better, I'm just... doing what needs to be done to make the world a better place.
Stan: See? You sound like a dick.
Kyle: [thinks a bit] I happen to be the one person who's putting everyone else's needs before their own!
Stan: Dick! That's a dick talking! You've had too much of Cartman's farts and you got sulphur poisoning, and now you're a dick.
Kyle: All you need to know is I'm way awesomer than you think, okay?!
Scene Description: The landing outside. Kenny waits for Stan to come out. Stan does this and closes the door
Stan: I don't think Kyle really loves Cartman's farts. There's something else going on.
Kenny: (Huh? Like what?)
Stan: This all started with the stupid peace in the Middle East, Kenny. For some reason it's making Kyle crazy. We've gotta get to the bottom of this!
Scene Description: Jerusalem, eve, two days later. Van Halen finishes a song, and Rabbi 1 is at the podium
Rabbi 1: And now, let us honor the little boy who helped make all this happen, Eric Cartman, and his best friend, Fartboy. [Cartman and Kyle come out onstage to great applause. The rabbi gives Cartman the mic]
Cartman: Thank you everyone. It's my honor to have been a part of this... miracle. Isn't that right, Fartboy?
Kyle: Could I please one of your piping-hot farts in my mouth?
Cartman: Are you sure, Fartboy? I've had a lot of strange food on this trip.
Kyle: Yummy yummy I want your farts in my tummy.
Rabbi 1: Uh excuse me, I'm sorry everyone, but apparently there's some breaking news in the United States.
Scene Description: A satellite feed appears, with a reporter, Stan, and Kenny.
Reporter: We are in Colorado where the red cow was discovered, and apparently, two boys have shocking news that might change everything.
Stan: Yes, there's something that you all need to know. The truth about the red cow. We have all been [Stan's phone rings] So- sorry, hang on. [pulls the phone out of his jacket pocket and answers it.] Hello?
Kyle: Dude! Do not do this!
Stan: No, dude, you don't understand. Cartman hasn't been telling the truth!
Kyle: Yes, I know that! Why do you think I've been putting up with his farts?!
Stan: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
Muslim 2: "Oh" what? [an Israeli throws up his hands in a shrug]
Kyle: I know Cartman made it all up, okay?! I also know that nothing is more important for humanity than peace in the Middle East! I'm okay with this, Stan!
Stan: Well, I'm not okay with it, 'cause it's turned you into a dick, Kyle!
Kyle: I'm not a dick, I'm like Gandhi!
Stan: You know, I don't think when Gandhi starved himself he was all "Dude, look how fuckin' awesome I am for starving. Check me out!"
Kyle: Okay, okay. Stan, you're right. Maybe I let being a martyr go to my head. Just please, let me stay on this path, and, I'll try to be cool about it. Okay? I'm sorry.
Stan: You should apologize to Kenny too.
Kyle: I'm sorry, Kenny!
Kenny: (That's okay, Kyle.)
Rabbi 1: No, what is the new information?!
Stan: The red cow... I saw it too. Ih it came down from the sky in a flash of light. It was a miracle.
Kyle: Hurray!
Rabbi 1: Oh no, it was a miracle?
Israeli 2: Then, it's not true. The prophecy is not true! [rounds of disappointment as everyone starts leaving]
David Lee Roth: Wait, I thought we were all here because of the prophecy of a miraculous red cow!
Rabbi 5: No, the prophecy is that one day, a fat child with a small penis would decorate a cow to look ginger, not that one would miraculously just fall from the sky. [Kyle is stunned that Cartman fulfilled that prophecy]
Muslim 2: I knew this was all too good to be true!
Bishop: We are associating with these heathens for no reason!
Cartman: Small penis?!
Scene Description: News break
Anchor: The party's over. Muslims, Jews, and Christians are back at each other's throats, and Israel is once again a place of conflict, and turmoil
Scene Description: A synagogue, day. Kyle is pleading his case with the rabbis
Kyle: Please, you have to listen to me! The prophecy actually did come true!
Rabbi 3: No it di'n't.
Kyle: Yes! It did!
Rabbi 1: The prophecy was that a fat boy with a small penis would one day decorate a cow to look ginger. We should have known a prophecy like this... was too impossible to ever come to be.
Kyle: But that is what happened! It is! Tell them, Cartman!
Cartman: No, Kyle, you were right. I see now that little lies can cause huge problems.
Kyle: But it's the truth!
Cartman: No, it's not, Kyle. I have a huge dick.
Rabbi 1: Sorry boys, but we've gotta get to our fight. There's a rumble at the Wailing Wall. [brings out a switchblade. Rabbi 2 has a shot gun, while rabbi 3 carries a bat]. They leave, and Kyle turns around
Kyle: Ssso it was all for nothing. The whole time I was... eating farts for nothing.
Cartman: Cheer up, Kyle. I'm sure this isn't the first time someone who thought they were suffering for humanity was actually just sucking farts. Hey. How about we get a little dessert, help cheer you up? [puts his hand on his ass and farts on it, then puts whipped cream on it, with a cherry on top, and smothers it on Kyle's face. He then walks away. A few seconds later, the cherry falls off]