Scene Description: Some recaps of last week's episode. Randy filming scared residents running by, a cameraman filming a police car being thrown into South Park Mall
Scene Description: YOU ARE NOT MEANT TO SEE
Shelly: What's going on, Dad? [cut to the fallen man with a chunk of flesh missing from his left side]
Officer Barbrady: Mr. Marsh you have to move! It isn't- [cut to the power going out at CNN, then to an explosion, then to people running away from something, then the giant guinea pigs appearing, then to Linda Stotch panicking and running, then to a second car flying across an intersection, then to Randy looking into his camera]
Randy: [out of breath] Oh God. [pants] I'm- [pants] I'm so- [pants] Startled. [the camera cuts out on him] ARRRGH!
Scene Description: PANDEMIC 2THE STARTLING
Scene Description: A picture of Craig appears as a Peruvian pan flute version of "Three Blind Mice" plays in the background
Craig: My name is Craig Tucker. Last week was my birthday. [a picture of him, his family, and a grandmother standing behind a cake. Ten candles are on the cake. Balloons are all around and a "HAPPY BIRTHDAY" banner is above them] My Grandma gave me a check for a hundred dollars. [a picture of that is shown] I was sooo happy. But then, four kids from school came to my house [a shot of the four boys in Craig's living room] and said I should use my hundred dollars to invest in becoming a Peruvian flute band. [a shot of the newly-formed band, the Llama Brothers] They promised I would double my money in one afternoon. [soldiers swoop in and apprehend them] But the government arrested us along with all the other Peruvian flute bands and took us to an internment camp in Miami. [the camp is shown, followed by the five boys sitting in the interrogation room] We begged to go home, but instead the government told us they were sending us to Peru. [a shot of a DHS cargo plane with the boys sitting on the ground near it.] And so that is now why I'm in Peru. If I die, let it be known that it is because four guys I don't even like from school lied to me and took my birthday money. [he sits on one suitcase, Kenny on another. The whole group is in a mountainous region of Peru]
Stan: We didn't lie, Craig, it was a sweet idea!
Kyle: Yeah. How are we supposed to know that pan flute bands would be outlawed?
Cpt. Taylor: I don't get it. They said the military would meet us here.
Cpt. Gabriel: This is where they told us to land. Can you get through to Washington?
Cpt. Taylor: I'm trying. [...and gets through]
A Voice: This is Connor in Washington.
Cpt. Taylor: Hey, Connor, the place that Homeland Security told us to start the operation, there, there's nobody here to meet us. It's like they sent us to no man's land.
Connor: Jesus they're everywhere!
Cpt. Taylor: What are everywhere?
Connor: ...so furry! They're attacking... every city... ha- people dying... Ha-... guinea pigs... all over! Agh.
Stan: Guinea pigs?
Connor: Can't stop them! Need to get... out... ergh. I just ate... a peanut... Agh peanut now stuck... in throat... Urgh shouldn't eat peanut... when scared. [a few more groans and communication is cut]
Scene Description: A camera is restarted. Home furnishings are shown
Randy: I've got the video camera. Got it turned on again. [points it to himself] Okay. This is... Randy Marsh... I'm shooting this video of myself. Twenty minutes ago some... huge creatures attacked our town... Still chaos out the window... [aims it at the living room windows, through which you still see people running around in panic, then aims it at himself again] I barely made it back to the house. Sharon is here with me, [moves the camera just enough to show Sharon] and there's Shelly. [Sharon is protecting her somewhat] Wave to the camera, Shelly.
Sharon: Randy, will you put down that camera? We need to figure out what to do.
Randy: I don't know what to do. I'm so startled.
Sharon: [stands up] We have to see what the news is saying. [walks over to the TV and turns it on. A shot of New York City appears.]
Reporter: [off camera] This is a shot of New York City where the... giant guinea pigs have also attacked.
Sharon: Guinea pigs?
Reporter: Reports of attacks are coming in from major cities all over the world.
Randy: Jesus, this thing is worldwide? [two giant guinea pigs suddenly come into view. The camera moves to a group of soldiers firing at a third guinea pig.]
Sharon: Look at that thing! Randy, what are we gonna do? [Randy focuses the camera on her. A loud thump is heard, knocking Randy off balance. He regains it and makes sure Sharon and Shelly are fine, then turns to the source of a growl: a giant guinea pig has broken through a wall and is now looking at the family]
Randy: Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my Gohhhd!
Sharon: Go Randy, run! [Sharon takes Shelly out the front door. Randy follows them]
Randy: Gotta get out!
Scene Description: The Peruvian jungle high up in the Andes. The group is still in the makeshift landing strip. Cpt. Taylor is still trying to get a connection through the plane's radio, which is next to him outside
Cpt. Taylor: Michaels, Harrison, anybody? [no response] Nothing. LSAT is down and no answer at RCU. Whatever is going on out there is huge.
Stan: [steps forward] Ah all right, just let me get this straight: the head of Homeland Security ordered you to fly us, five kids, to Peru, but had you land way up in the Andes Mountains of Peru so that other government people could meet us and then... somehow tell us how to go to the capital of Peru, way over in Lima, and take down their government.
Cpt. Taylor: ...Yes, that was the order.
Kyle: And that makes sense to you?
Cpt. Taylor: Nope, not at all.
Cpt. Gabriel: Actually, the whole rounding up of the pan flute bands didn't make sense to any of us either.
Stan: None of what that Homeland Security guy does make sense, so could you just fly us home, please?!
Cpt. Taylor: You don't understand. The plan was to have a refueling truck meet us here. We don't have enough gas to fly any place.
Craig: Oh, that's awesome.
Kyle: So we've gotta find another way out of here.
Cpt. Taylor: It's starting to look that way, yeah.
Scene Description: The Peruvian jungle, later. The two pilots lead the boys through it.
Craig: This is fun. Let's walk for miles through a spooky jungle. It just keeps getting better and better.
Cartman: You know what, we're getting pretty sick of your attitude, Craig.
Kenny: (Yeah!)
Cartman: Nobody likes hanging out with people who complain all the time.
Cpt. Gabriel: Look at that: no lights on, nothing. It's like, humans have never been to this part of Peru. [the camera zooms out and at least eight giant burrowing holes appear before them.]
Scene Description: U.S. Department of Homeland Security, strategic room. Chertoff looks at a map as an official briefs him on the current situation
Top Official: More guinea pigs seem to be moving in from all directions. We checked on Wikipedia and found out that guinea pigs are from the Andes Mountains, here. [points to the mountains]
Michael Chertoff: What about the pan flute bands? Are they on their way to Guantanamo Bay?
Official 1: ...Sir, we believe we have bigger problems right now than pan flute bands.
Michael Chertoff: Have they been loaded onto the boats or not?!
Official 2: No sir. We diverted all the resources away from the pan flute bands to deal with the guinea pigs.
Michael Chertoff: That was an order! [pounds both fists into the map table.] The pan flute bands were to be put on boats to Guantanamo last night! [pounds both fists into the map table again.] I am still in charge here! I want those pan flute bands on the boats to Guantanamo!
Soldier 4: Yes sir. I don't see why you have to yell at people. [turns around and walks out sobbing]
Scene Description: South Park, night. Randy's got his camera rolling. Sharon and Shelly stand behind a door so they are not seen from the street.
Randy: Hey we're down in... Main Street now and... [a tank rolls by] Wah? Oh, ohh, look at that. [the tank fires a cannon, but the giant guinea pig is unaffected by it.] Ohhh!
Sharon: [whispering] Where do we go, Randy?
Randy: We've got to get out of town. Go through that way. [points, and Sharon takes Shelly out the door and to the left. Randy follows them, but something catches his eye: a giant guinea pig is chewing a man's left arm off. The man is trying to get away by holding on to a light post with his right hand.]
Man: Geow, my arm! MY ARM! [the guinea pig pulls him away from the light post and dangles him]
Randy: Oh Jesus!
Sharon: Randy, run! [the man falls to the ground as the rest of his arm is bitten off. Randy runs]
Randy: [the camera is aimed at his feet again] Okay. We're running now. [aims the camera at Sharon and Shelly before him] There's Sharon and Shelly running. Wave to the camera, Shelly!
Shelly: [glances back] Dad! [Randy moves the camera around to catch another mauling, then aims it back at Sharon and Shelly]
Randy: [Sound of a explosion is heard. Randy points the camera to it and sees a giant guinea pig which starts moving towards him] Ahhh! [Before them is an empty bus with an open door] In there, in there! [Sharon and Shelly go on up the steps and into the bus. Randy follows them in] Oh God, oh God I'm so startled. Are you startled, Sharon?
Sharon: Randy, put down that c-! [something big crashes into the bus. Randy gets his bearings and he sees a giant guinea pig outside the bus looking in]
Shelly: It's gonna kill us!
Sharon: [soothing her down] Just stay down, Shelly. It can't come in here. [another guinea pig jostles the bus]
Randy: Hold on, hold on, I need to get a shot of it from outside. [runs down the aisle and outside]
Sharon: Randy? Where are you going? [Randy stops a moment and then continues, moving away from the bus. He stops and aims his camera at the bus. Two giant guinea pigs climb up to the roof]
Randy: Here we see a view from outside the bus.
Sharon: Randy! [Randy runs back into the bus and towards his girls] What the hell are you doing?
Randy: I got a... really good shot of it, Sharon. [another jostle follows and the camera shuts off again]
Scene Description: The Peruvian jungle. The pilots and the boys continue walking. Cpt. Gabriel tries to navigate the jungle using a map of Peru
Cpt. Gabriel: I don't know, Lemsky. This entire area of Peru isn't even charted on the maps.
Cpt. Taylor: This whole valley is strange. Just look at the size of that fruit. [they pass by gianr fruit] Ain't that a peach? And how do you like them apples?
Cpt. Gabriel: Take a look at this! They look like... beehive combs.
Cpt. Taylor: Oh my God.
Stan: Dude, what is this place?
Cpt. Taylor: It's like... an unknown valley that time forgot, where everything grows huge.
Craig: That's a shock. I decided to follow you guys, and now I'm in the land of the giants lost world.
Stan: [turns right and walks towards Craig] Craig, it isn't our fault! You make it sound like we always wanna be in situations like this but we don't have any choice!
Kyle: Yeah. Stuff just happens.
Craig: Stuff just happens.
Kyle: That's right!
Craig: You just wind up being sent by the government to take down the city of Lima only to wind up in the land of the giants lost world.
Cartman: That's right.
Craig: You know when stuff happens to most kids? They fall off their bikes. They get in fights with their parents. They get swindled out of their birthday money.
Cpt. Taylor: Look, wherever we are, I think we'd better keep moving.
Kenny: [suddenly points] (Hey, look out!) [some brown saliva lands on Cpt. Gabriel's right shoulder, then he's chomped up, then Cpt. Taylor is chomped up too. One of Cpt. Gabriel's arms falls back to the ground. Boys start running where they came for]
Cpt. Taylor: Ohhh stop it, make it stohhhp!
Scene Description: Somewhere in South Park, night. Randy starts his camera up again and begins filming
Randy: All right, all right. Here's Sharon and Shelly on the roof of Best Buy. We, we run up here to get off the streets. We found the Stotch family hiding up here also. There's Chris and Linda, and their son Butters.
Butters: Hello, heh.
Linda: What is that? Chris, what is that?
Randy: That's a that's a, that's a new sound. [the sound of bees gets louder and louder as Randy moves his camera around]
Stephen: Oh God look!
Sharon: Those aren't guinea pigs.
Stephen: Get off the roof! [the group quickly heads for the stairs.]
Randy: Go! Go go go go go! [the group goes down the stairs and Randy closes the roof door behind him.] Oho, Oh God, we're going down the stairs now. Okay, getting downstairs. [they reach Best Buy's main floor. As they go towards the entrance two televisions on the television aisle show a news report]
An Anchorman: And we are now getting word of giant bees. The giant bees have been seen in the U.S. and Europe.
Randy: Oh no! Oho oho. [they exit the store]
Townsman 1: Get away, there's bees everywhere! [The group runs across the parking lot with everyone else] There's another one right there! [Randy looks to his right with his camera and a giant guinea bee stands there not doing much.]
Randy: Oh, my god!! [Another bee appears in front of him, and to his left, a man is on the ground with a giant stinger stuck into his chest.]
Townsman 2: It stung me! It stung me! [Randy looks behind now, seeing the Best Buy store and a giant guinea bee. He keeps running.]
Randy: Whoa, that startled me! That was really startling!
Scene Description: The Andes jungle. The boys are left to their own devices, so they continue walking
Kyle: Um I think we're just heading deeper into the mountains.
Cartman: Yeah, maybe we should start heading that way. [points to his left]
Kenny: (I think we're fucked!)
Kyle: Hey, hey, look at this. [points to his right. The other boys look. A small temple is shown with two statues, one on either side of the entrance. The boys approach it]
Cartman: What is it?
Kyle: I don't know. It's old.
Stan: Let's see what's in there.
Craig: "Let's see what's in there." That's why you guys get into these situations. Because when you come across a spooky, ancient ruin, you say "Let's see what's in there."
Stan: It might be a way out, Craig!
Cartman: Yeah, Mr. Complainy Pants! [the boys enter]
Scene Description: Inside the temple. Stan lights the way with the torch
Kyle: Whoa, I don't think anyone's been in here for centuries
Kenny: (Yeah. Totally.)
Stan: You guys, look at this. [the others go to the wall Stan is looking at] It's a wall of ancient drawings. [first drawing is a group of four men playing instruments]
Kyle: Dude, it's a Peruvian flute band.
Stan: I know, a-and look. [second drawing is the flute band playing music, which is driving away two giant guinea pigs]
Cartman: Looks like the... pan flute music is driving away giant... guinea pigs?
Kyle: Oh no way! Look! [a flute band is shown behind bars] The pan flute band's put in prison, just like what happened. [the boys look up and to the right]
Stan: And then the guinea pigs killing people. [they look a little lower] And then... [a boy holds a staff against a giant guinea pig]
Cartman: Dude, it's Craig!
Craig: What?
Kyle: That is Craig. [Craig comes forward to look for himself. The other boys back away]
Stan: Dude, Craig, what's goin' on?
Craig: I have no idea.
Cartman: Well do you mind tellin' us what you're doing on an ancient Incan wall, Craig?
Craig: I don't know.
Scene Description: U.S. Department of Homeland Security, strategic room. Chertoff sits behind the table with his staff and some soldiers looking on
Top Official: There is now word of huge beehives forming in cities across the U.S. and Canada. Europe and China are reporting deaths by guinea pigs in the tens of thousands.
Michael Chertoff: And how are the efforts to contain all this going?
Official 3: [steps forward] It's bad, sir. It seems we have no way of stopping it; we've lost complete control. [Chertoff laughs maniacally]
Top Official: Uh, sir?
Michael Chertoff: Ah I'm sorry, I just thought of a funny joke.
Official 1: Oh, a-hah.
Michael Chertoff: All right, get the jets ready. I need to get to Machu Picchu.
Soldier:: Uh, Machu Picchu, sir?
Michael Chertoff: Yes, I need to be taken to Machu Picchu! Have you lost your hearing?!
Official 1: But S-sir, what could possibly be at Machu Picchu to help the-
Michael Chertoff: Am I in charge or not?! [silences them all]
Scene Description: Inside a supermarket in South Park. Randy prepares his camera again
Randy: We're in the [pants] grocery store now. Some of the survivors here uh.
Sharon: Can we get out through the highway?
Soldier 5: The highway is unreachable; there's guinea rats all over it.
Mr. Garrison: Guinea rats?
Randy: [almost hyperventilating] I'm so startled.
Mr. Garrison: What do you mean "guinea rats"?
Soldier 5: Look, there are guinea pigs, but there's also guinea bees, guinea rats. I've even seen some guinea spiders out there.
Sharon: Randy, will you stop doing that?! [Randy continues to film her, then jumps to the next speaker, then the next one...]
Stephen: Look, I, I think we need to find a way out under the city.
Mr. Garrison: In the sewers? Can't be safe down there.
Randy: [walks away with the camera, rather scared] Oh God, what are we gonna dooo?
A Woman: Oh my God!
Townsman 3: Something's inside the store!
Townsman 4: Guinea rabbits! They're inside! [facing him is a guinea pig in a blue rabbit outfit]
Townsman 5: God they're everywhere!
Townsman 6: Help me! [Randy finds out who's screaming for help] Help... me... [it's a man who's practically been bitten in half]
Townswoman 1: Travis! No!
Randy: You can't help him!
Stephen: There's something over there!
Townsman 7: It's a guinea bear!
Randy: No, it's a guinea mouse, stupid! [he lowers the camera as he runs, then raises it again to focus on a woman]
Townswoman 2: Kill me!
Sharon: Randy, the storeroom, we've gotta get to the storeroom! [he follows the survivors into the storeroom, and the door closes behind them a few seconds later. There is no light in the room]
Shelly: Mom, I can't see.
Randy: It's okay, Shelly. Daddy's gonna turn on night vision. [night vision mode is on] There. There. Okay. Gaaah! [the others gasp]
Sharon: What what what what?
Randy: Nothing, sorry. I just startled myself. Gaaah! [camera out]
Scene Description: Stan is still guiding the others through the Incan temple, and the sound of running water is soon heard
Stan: Let's head over this way, guys.
Kyle: Hear that? It sounds like water.
Cartman: Yeah, it's coming from up there.
Stan: Wow. [they find themselves in a massive complex full of statues whose mouths or noses serve as waterfall fountains. Several suspension bridges connect the mouth of the statue they're in to the other statues]
Cartman: Dude, that's awesome.
Stan: All right, let's go. [Craig doesn't move]
Craig: No.
Stan: Wait, whattaya mean no?
Craig: I'm not following you guys any more.
Stan: Dude, we we have to go check this out.
Craig: Why?
Stan: 'Cause just, that, that's just the way it is.
Craig: Every time bad things happen, you guys end up putting yourselves deeper into the middle of it, because "that's just the way it is."
Stan: Hey, we aren't the ones on an ancient temple prophecy wall, buttwipe!
Craig: I don't care. I've decided that I'm done. I am choosing not to be a part of this anymore.
Kyle: How do you do that?
Craig: It's easy. Watch. [turns around and walks back out the way they came in. He makes his way back to the temple's entrance, and the boys follow him]
Stan: Craig, dude, wait up.
Cartman: [Craig leads the boys across the Nazca Plateau] Dude, Craig, we should go back now.
Craig: No.
Stan: [Craig leads them across an open field] Hey look, there's something here.
Craig: ...Nope.
Cartman: [the boys walk through a thunderstorm] Dude, this is boring. This is just a bunch of walking around.
Craig: Yup, nice and boring. Just the way I like it.
Scene Description: South Park. Randy turns his camera on again
Randy: It's been three days now since the guinea pigs and the guinea bees attacked. Guinea rabbits are still everywhere, along with a few guinea panthers. We've taken shelter at the Outback Steakhouse. There's Sharon and Shelly. Say "hey" guys.
Shelly: What is that? What is that? [Sharon holds her close]
Randy: I'm gon-, I'm gonna take a look outside! [gets up with his camera and heads outside]
Scene Description: Outside Outback Steakhouse. Randy runs into a fleeing couple
Randy: What is it?
Husband: It's a Guineasaurus Rex! [Randy turns around and sees the G. Rex next to P.F. Chang. It's much bigger than other guinea creatures: about 30 feet high at the shoulder. Everyone near it scatters. Randy zooms in on the car it seems to be eating from and sees a dead couple there. The woman's body is halfway out the car through the windshield. The man's body is halfway out through the passenger door. The alarm has gone off.]
Shelly: Oh my Gohhhd!
Randy: Oh no, I'm way too startled!
Sharon: [points up to the sky] Look! [three jet fighters swoop in from somewhere and fire missiles at the G. Rex, but it remains unscathed]
Randy: Jesus, they can't kill it! [turns his camera to Shelly] What do you think about the Guineasaurus Rex, Shelly? [she's scared, but moves closer to the street to get a better look. This puts her in the same frame as the G. Rex] Oh that's good. There, there's Shelly with the Guineasaurus Rex in the background. Give, give a little peace sign, Shelly. [Shelly turns around frozen in fear] Oh I know, hold out your palm so it looks like you're holding the Guineasaurus Rex. Shelly?
Sharon: Randy?! I have had it! You are putting down that God damned camera!
Randy: Sharon, you're gonna be really glad we have all this footage of the family someday. [she rears back and smacks the camera out of his hand]
Scene Description: Machu Picchu, night. Chertoff arrives with his staff at the site in a military helicopter
Michael Chertoff: Wait here a minute. [nearby a huge golden Incan idol holds a stick and a pan flute. Chertoff approaches it and opens his arms] Behold! I am standing on your precious land! I've waited a long time for this! [unzips his pants and urinates on the statue, mocking it with laughter]
Soldier 6: What's he doing?
Michael Chertoff: What of your prophecy now?! Nothing can stop me! [there's some sound to his left and he turns to see what it is. It's Craig climbing over a wall and dusting himself off. Chertoff approaches him in anger] Craiiig! [the other four boys appear behind Craig] No! How did you get here?!
Cartman: Hey, it's that asshole who sent us to the jungle with nobody to pick us up!
Soldier 6: Sir, ih-is everything all right?
Michael Chertoff: Shoot them!
Soldier 7: Shoot them?
Michael Chertoff: They're a Peruvian band that escaped. We must keep them contained.
Stan: No no, listen to me. The Peruvian flute bands were keeping the guinea creatures away. Whatever is happening to the world is happening because you guys got rid of all the flute bands.
Michael Chertoff: I said shoot them!
Kyle: Go look! It's all an ancient Incan prophecy.
Top Official: Maybe we should look at it, sir.
Michael Chertoff: Damn you Craiiig! You just don't ever stop, do you?!
Craig: I didn't say anything.
Michael Chertoff: [begins his speech] You see, for thousands of years horrid creatures have lived in the Guinea Valley of Peru. The Incas learned how to keep the creatures at bay: by playing pan flute music. Guinea creatures hate it even more than humans do. But the prophecy foretold that one day the creatures would be unleashed and I have made that happen! The Incas predicted the world would be saved... by Craig. But that part of the prophecy will not come true! For you will all die on this mountain! [one of the soldiers fires his rifle and the bullets pierce through Chertoff's chest, leaving a large hole. Chertoff looks at the hole and cackles]
Top Official: You're, you're some kind of monster.
Michael Chertoff: [ominously] Oh, I'm much more than that. Guinea bees, guinea rabbits, guineasaurus rexes, I am something much more evil! [he begins to transform. His mouth becomes a round orifice with a few teeth inside, then into a horrible beast with many teeth in his mouth and a pirate costume on his body, and finally, a giant guinea pirate] Arrrgh.
Top Official: Guinea pirate! [dives into the bushes]
Stan: Jesus Christ!
Craig: Sir, I promise you, I'm not going to ruin your plans. I'll just walk away. See? [walks onto a square with a pattern on it. The circle in the center of the pattern lights up and begins to rotate up and out. Two stone slabs jut out from the pillar. The golden idol's eyes light up. A beam of light goes from the idol's staff to one of the slabs, and two beams of lightning come out of Craig's eyes and strike the guinea pirate]
Michael Chertoff: Dargh, no!
Craig: Okay, now there's sparks shooting out of my eyes.
Michael Chertoff:: Argh, curse ye, Craig. Dar, argh. [the guinea pirate falls on its back and the beams turn off. The slabs go back into the pillar and the pillar rotates back into the ground. The four boys approach Craig, stunned at what just happened. Craig lets out a big sigh of relief]
Scene Description: A picture of Craig is shown, and Gery Numan's "Cars" is playing in pan flute format
Craig: My name is Craig Tucker. Last week I stopped a guinea pirate from taking over the earth. All the Peruvian flute bands were released, [a shot of that is shown; happy pan flute musicians] and drove the guinea creatures back to the Andes mountains. [shots from all over are shown, specifically South Park and New York City: pan flute bands are driving the guinea creatures away] Many people had died, but mankind had prevailed. [shots of the cleanup are shown. The Marshes are among the rescued] All over the world, survivors were found, living witnesses to the horror that had been seen.
Randy: [trying to show a video clip to two firemen] Here here, look, look! [there's no picture] What the? [opens the camera to check it out] Oh- ohhh I didn't have a tape in it. [someone else took a picture of that, though]
Craig: The guinea pirate lived, but was taken to prison to live out the rest of his days. [the guinea pirate is taken to the Washington D.C. State Penitentiary strapped down to a flatbed truck. Next, a shot of Paris is shown: a Peruvian flute band plays at the Champs Elysées] And people all over the world learned to support their local Peruvian flute bands, and buy their CDs. For they protect us from the guinea creatures. As for me, I was returned home by Homeland Security. [Top Official 1 and Official 3 drop him off and smile at the joyful parents] My parents were sooo happy. [a shot of Craig looking at himself in the mirror, reflecting on the events surrounding his trip to Peru] I realized that we don't always have control over what happens to us. [a shot of Craig in bed, just after bedtime] We are but players on the stage of life. And I also learned to never listen when people come asking you for money. [a shot of the boys dressed as Mariachis standing at Craig's front porch talking to him; he slams the door in their faces.]
Scene Description: Craig's front yard. The boys walk away all pissed off
Cartman: That guy's an asshole!
Kyle: Yeah, what a dick!
Kenny: (I fuckin' hate Craig!)
Scene Description: Department of Homeland Security, days later. A new director has taken over and is seated behind a solid wooden desk
Top Official 2: [enters the office without warning] Sir! Sir, we have a problem!
New Director: What now?!
Top Official 2: The former director of Homeland Security, that turned out to be a guinea pig? It attacked the guards, got out of its holding cell.
New Director: My God, are you telling me..?
Top Official 2: Yes sir. It broke out of prison. [heavy footfalls are felt throughout Washington D.C. Car alarms go off, people scream, and a large guinea pig in striped prison uniform appears. The camera shuts off.]


Scene Description: Chicago, night. Barack Obama stands behind a podium facing two TelePrompTers, two glass walls, and a crowd of supporters. He has just won the Presidency.
Obama: If there is anyone out there tonight who still doubts that America is a place where all things are possible, who still wonders if the dream of our founders is alive in our time, who still questions the power of our democracy, tonight is your answer. [a cheer goes up in the audience]
Scene Description: The Marsh house. Randy jumps for joy while his family, including Grandpa Marsh, sits on the sofa behind him. Another couple stands behind the sofa. Gerald and Sheila sit on a second sofa. Randy and Gerald wear Obama shirts
Randy: Yyeeaahh!!!! [pumps his beer can up and down a couple of times] Obama! [runs around] WOOOOO! We did it! We F'in' did it!
Gerald: [stands up] Yyeeaahh!!!!
Obama: It's been a long time coming, but tonight, because of what we did on this date in this election at this defining moment, change has come to America.
Randy: Yyeeaahh!!!! Yeah Obama! Chaaange! It's, it's chaaange!
Obama: Sasha and Malia, I love you both more than you can imagine, and you have earned the new puppy that's coming with us to the White House. We will name him "Sparkles".
Randy: [kneels before the TV] He's so awesome! [runs his hand over the screen a few times] He's so perfect and awesome!
Obama: Where we are met with cynicism, and doubt, and those who tell us that we can't, we will respond with that timeless creed that sums up the spirit of a people: Yes We Can.
Supporters: [in Chicago] Yes we can!
Randy: Yes I can! Yes I can! [the others watch him run out of the house]
Scene Description: Outside the Marsh house. Randy opens the door and proclaims
Randy: Here comes the change everybody! WOOO! [people nearby gather around the front steps]
Mr. Harris: Did you see? Our man is in! [among the gathering crowd are Mr. Adler and the Blacks.]
Mrs. Harris: We did it!
Mr. Adler: Everything is going to be awesome now!
Randy: This is the greatest day of our lives! Yes we can!
Linda Black: I don't even know what to do now.
Randy: I know what to do! [steps into the street and cups his hands on his cheeks so as to amplify his voice] Losers! Looosers!
Scene Description: The Stotch house, living room. A "Go McCain" banner hangs over the sofa. Mr. Garrison sits on a chair, Stephen and Linda sit on the sofa with Mr. Mackey, Principal Victoria and her boyfriend sit on two chairs in front of Mr. Mackey. Most everyone there is wearing a McCain/Palin shirt or sweater
Crowd: [outside] Looosers! Looosers!
Stephen: Oh, shut up!
Crowd: Looosers!
Butters: We lost?
McCain: [giving his concession speech] It is natural. It's natural tonight to feel some disappointment. We fought as hard as we could, and though we fell short, the failure is mine, not yours.
Supporters: No no! Noo nooo!
Butters: Aw, poor ol' John McCain. Well he looks real sad.
Stephen: [gets up and walks to the TV] No. No, this can't happen! No! [kicks the TV screen, causing it to short and shatter]
Linda: Stephen!
Stephen: It's all over, Linda! The country as we know it is about to change. We're all dead.
Linda: You don't know that, Stephen!
Mr. Mackey: With an inexperienced man as President, we do know it! He is right! Game over, man! Okay?!
Mr. Garrison: We'll probably be dead by sunrise!
Stephen: Butters, Daddy loves you. Just remember that... he always loved youuu... [someone pounds on the door. Stephen and Butters look over and the door opens. It's Randy]
Randy: WOOOO Obama!
Mr. Garrison: Get out o'here!
Scene Description: The Marsh house. It's quiet there now. The doorbell rings and Stan answers it. He sees Kyle and Ike on the landing
Kyle: Dude, have you seen my parents? [Ike begins to cry]
Stan: No, everyone is out partying in the streets. What's wrong with your brother?
Kyle: He was a McCain supporter. [Ike cries harder] It's okay, Ike. Obama will do fine.
Scene Description: Chicago, Obama headquarters. It's 1:10 am and Obama steps through some double doors. The press awaits him.
Reporter 1: Uh Mr. President, over here!
Reporter 2: Congratulations!
Reporter 3: Great start, great job!
Reporter 4: Change!
Reporter 5: Great job, Mr. President!
Reporter 6: Great job, Obama!
Obama: Thank you all for your support. If you don't mind, I'm gonna spend the rest of the evening getting some much needed rest. [steps through double doors at the other end of the hall and closes them behind him. A man walks out of the shadows as Obama turns away from the doors] Senator McCain.
McCain: President Obama. [the two men step up and face each other, then start to giggle, then roar with laughter. They give each other a high-five and a low-five.]
McCain, Obama: Boom, baby!
Obama: Ohoh man that was perfect! [works on removing his jacket]
McCain: [pulls out a cell phone and starts calling someone] I almost thought we were gonna tie for a minute there. That would have screwed us.
Obama: You played it perfectly, there was no way.
McCain: It's McCain, we did it! Obama is President.
Davis: Yeah, so I've heard. You guys are out of your freakin' minds, you know that?
McCain: Yes, we do. Assemble the rest of the team: we've only got ten hours.
Davis: Sure. Hard part's over, right?
McCain: Actually, the hard part's just starting.
Scene Description: The streets of South Park. Two men set up a "Obama for President 2008" banner over the roof of a house. Down below are posters and banners for Obama plastered all over the houses and the crowd is partying to "Celebration". Randy rallies them on by blowing through a paper horn
Reveler 1: [gulps down a beer] Yoohoo!
Reveler 2: Obama yeah, I can't believe it!
Randy: O ba ma! O ba ma!
Revelers: O ba ma! O ba ma!
Randy: Cehhh-lebrate good Obama come on! [reaches a keg of beer and serves himself some into a mug] It's Obamobama! [someone walks by and just throws up]
Scene Description: Stan's house. He and Kyle look at the partying going on outside. Stan is on the phone
Stan: Yes, I'd like to make a noise complaint. [outside the music changes to "Who Let The Dogs Out?" Someone swings from a traffic light and falls. A truck full of young adults rolls by]
Crowd: Obama!
Randy: Who let the Obama out? [moments later a police car rolls down the street, slowly going through the crowd] Ohoh, police are here. OooooOOOOooo!
Crowd: OooooOOOOooo! [Officer Barbrady stops the cruiser and hops out of it]
Barbrady: Okay people, time to disperse. Party's over!
Randy: BOOOO! [other people join in the booing]
Reveler: ...party Obama!
Barbrady: Come on, time to go home.
Randy: What are you? A McCain voter?
Crowd: Yeah!
Randy: Sorry pal, but Obama's President now! [walks towards Barbrady, and his pants begin to fall to his ankles] Obama! Obama! [walks past him and towards the police car]
Crowd: Obama! Obama!
Randy: Yeah yeah, flip the... Flip the cop car! Flip the cop car! [other revelers walk up and help out]
Barbrady: Ey, put down my car! [Randy and the revelers succeed in flipping the car over]
Revelers: Yes we can! [they move in and keep rocking the car as the music switches to "Mickey".]
Barbrady: No! No! Hey, stop it!
Stan: Jesus Christ...
Randy: O-bama you're so fine, you're so fine you blow my mind. Hey Obama! Hey Obama! [Cartman rolls by in his Big Wheels trike, pulling a cart full of TVs]
Cartman: Hey, you guys wanna buy a TV? [Stan and Kyle just look at each other.]
Scene Description: Washington D.C., at the penthouse of a hotel. Obama and McCain enter a suite where the rest of their team is waiting for them. It's 2:15 am. The team members applaud them as they reach the middle of the room.
Quincy: Bravo Obama and McCain. Ten years you two have been working on this plan and you've finally pulled it off!
McCain: Guys, we've all known each other a long time, had many incredible adventures, but this is going to be our greatest feat ever.
Neely: I knew it! I knew when you two ran for President you were just working an angle.
Obama: Always workin' the angles.
McCain: My friends, while the entire country is busy reacting to the election, we are about to pull off the greatest heist in human history.
Quincy: So, come on, enlighten us. What are we stealing this time? [Obama and McCain look at each other knowingly. The next scene shows a huge diamond necklace]
Obama: The Hope Diamond, rated #4 of the ten most precious diamonds in the world. Going street value, Middle-Eastern market, of course, two hundred and ten million dollars.
Davis: Two hundred ten?
McCain: Million.
Quincy: No no no, the Hope Diamond is ungettable. Every thief in the world knows that.
Obama: Almost ungettable. The diamond is kept in the Smithsonian Natural History Museum, long considered to be the most thief-proof structure ever built. [Two security guards go around closing the exhibits for the night] The Diamond Wing Is protected by impenetrable walls of two-foot wide steel. On the northeast side, a seven-five laser system. [the guards walk out of a room and turn on the laser system as they exit] There's simply no side of the Smithsonian that can be breached.
Davis: So you go in from the roof, drop into it from the top.
Obama: Can't get it to from the top because a polymer shelf runs the entire expanse.
Quincy: Okay, you can't get into the museum from any side and you can't drop in from above, so you can't get the diamond. [Obama walks over to the computer and turns it on, stepping aside for McCain]
McCain: Meet... the Presidential Escape Tunnel, [a simulation begins to play on the computer monitors] A two-mile long underground passage that runs from the White House to a location outside the city limits in case of an attack. The tunnel is only accessible from the Oval Office and just happens to travel right underneath the Smithsonian Natural History Museum.
Neely, Davis: Boom, baby!
McCain: You get somebody into that tunnel, they can blast into the museum, let the others in, the heist is on.
Quincy: So you both run for President because one of you has to win, and you've got your access to the tunnel.
McCain: And we run on a particularly brutal campaign so that the nation is as distracted as possible over the next... eight hours.
Quincy: This all sounds very risky.
Obama: [walks across the floor] We've spent ten years putting this plan together. If we are indeed the greatest thief club in the world-
Neely: And we are.
Obama: [turns around] -we won't get caught.
Scene Description: Stan's house, night. Kyle is in the kitchen, on the phone with 9-1-1.
Kyle: Yes, ah I'm trying to locate my parents. M-my name is Kyle Broflovski. Yes, I know Obama won.
Stan: [walks in from the dining room] Kyle, Kyle you gotta get out here.
Kyle: What?!
Stan: Your little brother has climbed out of the window. I I think he's gonna jump!
Kyle: Oh my God! [drops the phone and follows Stan to Ike]
Scene Description: Stan's house, one of the windows. Kyle is standing on a window sill in the den mumbling out loud. Stan and Kyle run outside and reach the window
Kyle: Ike, don't do it! There's still so much to live for! [Ike begins to cry] I know you really wanted McCain to win but, but it's going to be okay. [Ike mumbles something to him] No, that's not true, Ike. The economy could easily stabilize with Obama's plan. [Ike says something more] Ike, don't jump! You could really hurt your ankle or something. [The camera zooms out to show that the window is barely off the ground. Ike cries, Stan and Kyle look at each other] Really Ike, that's like five feet off the ground. Don't do it.
Ike: Good-bye. [falls from the window sill and lands on the ground face down]
Stan, Kyle: NOO!
Kyle: Ike? [no response] Oh crap Ike?
Scene Description: The White House, night
Chief of Security: All right, everyone, I'm turning in for the night. Go to standard security, team 3.
SS agent 1: Sir! S-sir, we have a bit of a problem.
Chief of Security: What?
SS agent 1: The new President-elect is here. Eh he wants into the Oval Office.
Chief of Security: Barack Obama? [next scene shows Barack Obama walking through the White House]
SS agent 2: They're all, they're all right through here, sir.
Chief of Security: [interrupting as Obama enters] Uh, hello, is there something we can do for you, Mr. Obama?
Obama: Just checking out the new digs. How are you guys?
Chief of Security: Good, sir.
Obama: I'd like to see the Oval Office, please?
Chief of Security: Right now?
Obama: I don't waste time, gentlemen. I've only got two months to figure out how I wanna redecorate, if you know what I mean. You know, change the drapes and stuff.
Chief of Security: [backs up towards the Oval Office] Sure, right this way, Mr... President. [opens the doors to the office]
Obama: [enters the office] I will need absolute privacy, is that understood?
Chief of Security: Yes sir. [Obama places a bill into the Chief's jacket breast pocket]
Obama: Thanks. [closes the doors]
Chief of Security: I got a hundred dollars. [grins]
Scene Description: Inside the Oval Office.
Obama: All right, McCain. I'm in.
McCain: Nicely done, B. We're in position outside the Smithsonian. [he's with a construction team] You find the escape tunnel?
Obama: I'm already on it. [plugs a hacking device into an electronic lock hidden under a panel on the desktop; it quickly starts crunching numbers in trying to decode the password. Once it decodes the right password the desk moves to one side and the secret passage is revealed] Boom baby.
Scene Description: South Park, early early morning. The Obama supporters are still partying on the neighborhood streets. The music this time is "Whoomp! (There it is)"
Reveler 3: Yehhheheah!
Randy: [even more drunk than before, serves himself more beer] Wooo, change.
Reveler 4: Change.
Reveler 5: Change.
Stan: [running up to him with Kyle] Dad Dad, we have a problem.
Randy: Not anymore we don't; everything's different now.
Stan: No, Dad, we gotta take Kyle's brother to the hospital.
Randy: We don't have to take... crap... from the fit- rich, fat cats anymore.
Stan: Dude, he's wasted.
Randy: Hey, it's my boss. Hey boss! [walks over]
Randy's boss: Oh, hello Marsh.
Randy: Yeah, you know what? Fuck you! [Stan and Kyle are stunned]
Randy's boss: Huh?
Randy: You heard me, you fuckin' piece of shit! I can finally tell you what I think o'you, fuckin' asshole!
Stan: [quite concerned] Dad, what are you doing?!
Randy: It's okay, Stan, everything's changed. I don't need this stupid fuckin' job anymore! You lil fucking assfuck, piece of shit [gives him the finger again] You know what Obama said? Yes we can!
Randy's boss: Hey, I voted for Obama.
Randy: Obama's not talkin' about you!
Kyle: [looks around] Can someone help us? My little brother fell out of a window. [Randy punches his boss in the face and his boss just leaves, holding his hands over his nose]
Scene Description: McCain headquarters. Sarah Palin stands behind a podium. Photographers snap away at their cameras
Palin: I just wanna say to everyone who's a little disappointed that we lost the election that there's always next year. Maybe I'll run again for Vice President again in 2009. [the cameras die down and everyone is a bit aghast at her statement]
Reporter 1: Uh Mrs. Palin, have you seen or heard from John McCain?
Palin: Uh, uh, nnno, I don't really know where he went. Kinda seems a little odd, I guess, but [her cell phone begins to ring] Oh, my phone's going ringy. Ex-cuse me. [steps away from the podium and off the stage to her left. She answers the phone at a safe distance from the stage] Hello?
McCain: Hello Sarah, it's McCain.
Palin: [switches to a British accent] I hope to God you're calling to tell me you're in position below the vault with the L7 charges.
Obama: I'm in the tunnel now, Sarah. I should be almost below the museum.
Palin: Just make sure you don't blow the transformers along with the tunnel because it will trigger the five-four laser system! And don't damage any coupling wires or it'll be worthless when Gary shuts down the grid. I'll be there in thirty.
Obama: God she's awesome.
Palin: [returns to the podium and a normal voice] Oh, I guess Senator McCain's gonna fly me back to Alaska now. He's got a private jet, you know? Okay, byebye then. [walks off to her right] Bloody idiots. [she walks out of the headquarters through a side door, tosses off her red business suit and walks towards the camera in a catsuit. She whips out some sais and spins them around like pistols]
McCain: All right, here we go. [a piledriver is turned on and a massive pile is lifted up, then dropped. Shockwaves spread out each time the pile hits the ground]
Guard 1: What's that noise?
Guard 2: It's okay, just some construction outside. [Obama prepares a charge and sets it off, and light enters the tunnel. Obama has broken into the Smithsonian. He pops his head through the hole]
Scene Description: Inside the Smithsonian. Obama looks around and sees the laser system is on.
Obama: Oh no. [presses a button on his headset] McCain? We've got a problem. [the lasers are now blue instead of red]
Scene Description: South Park streets, night. Stan and Kyle have placed Ike in a red Radio Flier wagon and are pulling him along. Ike moans from time to time. They pass by a gas station]
Kyle: Hang in there, Ike. We're gonna get you help.
Stan: [points ahead] Hey, there's some people. [ahead of them is a garage that has been converted into a cave. Stephen Stotch and the other McCain supporters are there putting stuff away. Stephen is holding a crowd of other McCain supporters at bay with a rifle.]
Stephen: Let's just stay back- STAY BACK! We don't have any more room in the Ark. [above the garage door is the work "A.RK"]
Man 1: You have to let us in! You know the country's doomed!
Woman 1: Who are you to turn us away?!
Stephen: I built this bunker in case McCain lost! There isn't enough room for everyone!
Kyle: Hey, excuse me, but we need some help.
Stephen: I know you do, but there's no more room, I tell ya!
Man 2: You're going to deny them too?
Man 1: [throws down his sleeping bag] For God's sake, man, they're children! [kneels next to Stan] Look them in the eyes and tell them you won't take them in! [tugs on Stan's cheeks] Look at their little cheeks!
Stan: Let go of my face, asshole!
Stephen: All right, damn you! The children can come in!
Kyle: No, we don't want to enter any of your stupid shelter!
Man 3: Okay, then I want their place.
Man 4: Me too.
Kyle: We NEED a ride to the hospital!
Man 1: THERE ISN'T GONNA BE A HOSPITAL! DON'T YOU GET IT?!
Woman 2: Let us in now! [Stephen smacks her away, and a brawl follows]
Mr. Garrison: Whoa, Jesus, it's already happening. Society's breaking down!
Man 5: Obama hasn't been elected four hours and already the country's going to hell! [another supporter smacks him down from behind. Stan and Kyle just leave and resume their walk]
Scene Description: The Oval Office, outside. The Chief of Security knocks on the door]
Chief of Security: Mr. Obama? [tries to open it, but can't] Sir? [looks to another Secret Service agent] All right, give me the keys. [the door opens before the agent could reach for the keys. Barack Obama dusts himself off]
Obama: Is there a problem, gentlemen?
Chief of Security: Uh, no. No, sir. Everything okay in there?
Obama: Why wouldn't it be? I'm sorry, but I asked to be left alone?
Chief of Security: Yes, sir, it's, just that... your wife is here.
Obama: My wife?
Michelle: [appears behind the agents] Barack, everyone's been looking for you. What on earth are you doing?
Obama: [pulls her into the Oval Office] Uh, c-c-come on in, darling. [appears at the doorway again] Thank, thank you boys. [closes and locks the doors]
Scene Description: The Oval Office, inside. Barack and Michelle are alone now]
Michelle: Okay Barack, tell me what's going on?
Obama: Michelle, there's something I need to tell you.
Michelle: What is it? [Obama stays quiet] Barack, what is it?!
Obama: The laser system guarding the diamond was replaced by an optical relay three days ago.
Michelle: You gotta be kiddin' me. So the entire diamond vault is inaccessible?! Is McCain online?
McCain: [wearing a huge fake mustache] Hi, Michelle.
Michelle: [removes the Bluetooth device from Obama's right ear and places it on her own] You guys weren't runnin' update checks on the security logs?!
McCain: Michelle, we need you to do a different scan hack through the vault relay.
Michelle: On a new system, in an hour?! Are you nuts? My job was to pretend to be married to this bozo and get you three scan hacks into a laser system!
Sarah: Michelle, it's Sarah. They did replace the laser system, but the new one isn't brand-new. It's an old H-7 series. You can break this baby in 30 minutes.
Michelle: Egh. Tell Davis to get me a fortrans emitter and enough pulse drives to light a spark.
Obama: Did you catch that, Davis?
Davis: I'm on it.
Scene Description: Hell's Pass Hospital, night. Stan and Kyle finally make it to the emergency entrance]
Kyle: We made it, Ike. You're going to be okay. [they enter the ER and see a lot of patients in there. One man has an Obama flag stuck up his ass. The clock reads 9 p.m., so it must be broken]
Nurse: [showing an Obama patient where to wait] There, just take a seat over there.
Kyle: [getting the nurse's attention] E-excuse me, my little brother needs medical attention.
Nurse: Was he an Obama supporter or a McCain supporter?
Stan: Why does that matter?
Nurse: Because then I'll know if he partied too hard or if he tried to kill himself. [on one side of the ER are Obama supporters who are suffering the effects of too much partying, and on the other are McCain supporters who have more serious wounds]
Kyle: Ma'am, please, I think my little brother needs immediate help.
Nurse: You don't understand, kid: there's only two doctors on call, and Dr. Wilson is out celebrating in the streets somewhere.
Stan: So where's the other doctor? [the nurse opens a door behind her and the other doctor... is hanging from a noose attached to the ceiling]
Randy: [walking in suddenly towards the Obama side] Hey, come on people. We can keep partying, can't we? Yes we can! Come on, let's sing. O-bama. Well you came and you gave without taking. [moans come up from all over the ER as people cover their ears] And I sent you away, O-bama. When you kissed me and stopped me from shakin'. [a McCain supporter tries to hasten his death by smashing a corkscrew into his head]
Scene Description: The Smithsonian. Michelle and Obama are at the tunnel's new entry point near the Hope Diamond. Michelle is still breaking the new laser system]
Michelle: I've almost got it. You're only going to have five minutes. Do you understand?
Obama: Did you really not like pretending to be married?
Michelle: Oh Jesus, now is not the time, B.
Obama: Come on. You have to admit we had some fun.
Michelle: My girls need somebody better than a world-class diamond thief. Woowait, there! I got it.
Obama: [to everyone connected to his bluetooth unit] All right, everyone. We're about to go. So here's the revised schedule: 4:40 a.m., the team gathers at the northwest exit of the museum. [the heist is shown taking place as Obama goes through the schedule] 4:45 a.m., Michelle hacks the optical relay, allowing me access to the rear doors.
Michelle: Go! [Obama takes off]
Obama: 4:46, from inside I can open the doors and let in the rest of the crew. [Obama opens the vault door and McCain and the others walk in] 5:10 a.m., at the Department of Power Quincy shuts down the grid, disabling power to the vault room. 5:12, my grandmother who faked her death on Monday calls in a bomb threat to the museum.
Grandma Obama: I said I put a bomb in your building, bitch.
Obama: 5:13, the guards open the southwest door, checking the museum for any bombs. [above them, Palin crawls across the ceiling like Spider-Man towards the entrance] 5:14, McCain, dressed as a football player, enters security and shuts off the diamond case alarm. [Palin drops down and hangs upside down. She lifts the glass display cover from the diamond and swipes the Hope Diamond from its display case. McCain is spotted and flees]
Smithsonian guard: Hey you! Stop!
Obama: Michelle and I head back into the tunnel and the hole is patched. [Davis and Neely act as repairmen and seal up the hole] 5:15 a.m., I walk out of the Oval Office with the diamond securely hidden in my anus.
Obama: [to the Secret Service] All done. Thanks. [Barack and Michelle head outside, towards a limousine. The door opens and McCain is waiting for them. They enter and take their seats, and the limousine rolls off. The rest of the team looks at the three of them, and they all laugh. Obama takes the diamond out of his ass and displays it for all to see.]
Scene Description: Boom, baby!
Quincy: There's just one thing: don't you think people are going to be suspicious when you disappear? Go looking for you?
Obama: We hired a guy for that a couple of months ago. [a plane sits all by itself in a field somewhere. The interior is full of dummies. Nearby, in a recovery room, Ike rises from his bed as Stan and Kyle look off into space. He presses a button and the plane blows up: the plane was landed near Hell's Pass Hospital. Stan and Kyle hear the explosion and quickly turn around and look outside]
Kyle: What the hell? [they observe the burning plane. Ike sneaks away while the boys are distracted. He dashes across the hall to the coroner's office and enters it. He hops onto a chair and attaches a USB stick to a computer, and begins typing. Dossiers of the heist team members pop up and Ike classifies each one as deceased. The door opens, and Kyle and Stan enter] Ike?
Ike: Boom, baby.
Scene Description: Washington D.C., day. The heist team members are in the waiting room watching their plane, an Air Tahiti jet, taxi into position]
Flight attendant: Here are all the tickets for your group, Mr. Sanchez.
McCain: Thank you very much.
Quincy: Well friends, let us depart.
Obama: Hey uh, you guys go ahead. I just came to say goodbye.
Neely: Wha?
Obama: I decided to hang it up, maybe give this President thing a shot.
McCain: B, you can't be serious.
Quincy: Besides, you died in a jet in the Rocky Mountains, remember?
Obama: Could have been I didn't make that flight. [walks up to Michelle] What do you say, Michelle? Would you and your girls like to move into the White House with me? You know, settle down, just be President and First Lady for a while.
Michelle: You're serious.
Obama: Who knows? Maybe we could change a few things. What do you say?
Michelle: Aww, what the fuck. [they begin to kiss, and the other members of the team wave goodbye and head for the plane]
McCain: I just looove happy endings.
Scene Description: South Park, the A.RK, morning. The garage door goes up and the McCain supporters in the bunker look out into the same scene they'd seen countless times before.]
Stephen: It's still here, ih... it's all still here.
Mr. Garrison: Does that mean... maybe we overreacted?
Stephen: No, no, I wouldn't say that. It's just maybe... well, uh... maybe Obama will be all right.
Scene Description: The Marsh house, living room. Randy wakes up from a drunken slumber, trash still strewn all over the living room.]
Randy: Uhh... [sits up and tries to rub his eyes, but he's got a headache] Oh ow. [walks forward...] Hey, where are my pants? [looks at the table the TV is missing from] Where's our TV?! Where are my pants and where's my TV?!
Stan: Dad, your boss called. He said you're fired.
Randy: [surprised] Oh! [is pissed off again] Ugh, God damn it! Obama said things would be different! That sonofabitch lied to us! I knew I should have voted for McCain! [kicks a side table away and walks off]


Scene Description: South Park Elementary School Cafeteria, lunchtime. The boys are in the center table once again, with the girls off to screen right. This time there are ten boys present, five on each side. On the left are Butters, Kyle, Stan, Cartman, and Kenny. On the right are Clyde, Craig, Jimmy, Token, and Jason
Cartman: Hahahahaha, look at Kenny's lunch, a baloney sandwich and water! Hahaha, Goddamn your family's poor, dude. [Kenny indeed has a plain bologna sandwich and a glass of water.]
Butters: Hey, you fellas wanna go see High School Musical 3 tonight? Bunch of kids from school are gonna see it again.
Kyle: What's High School Musical 3?
Clyde: You know, the sequel to High School Musical 1 and 2.
Stan: What's High School Musical 1 and 2?
Cartman: There's not- there's not even condiments on his baloney sandwich!
Jason: What's High School Musical 1 and... Dude, it's only the most popular thing with kids in our age group!
Jimmy: Yeah. Where the hell have you guys ...been?
Craig: Peru.
Scene Description: At the table behind the second row of boys, the girls begin to laugh
Bebe: And then I saw High School Musical 3 again on Friday, and guess who was there? Bridon Gueermo.
Millie: Bridon Gueermo? Oh he's such a dream!
Red: I'd give anything to be with Bridon Gueermo, but he'd never go for me. I'm nobody.
Wendy: That's not true, Red. Everyone has something that makes them unique. [stands on the bench in place] Everyone is special in their own way. Move to the beat and let your spirit out! [the girls begin to snap their fingers]
Bebe: As long as we've got each other, we'll never have any trouble.
Girls' Table: That's what bein' friends is about. Cue full instrumentation (Oh ye-ah) [the girls stand on the benches and face the boys] Everyone is special in their own way, and we'll always be together as one.
Cartman: [puzzled] What the hell are they doing?
Girls' Table: - Together as one -
Stan: I have no idea. [the other boys turn in their seats to get a better view]
Girls' Table: As long as we stick together, together we'll stay. And every kid in school is special in their own way.
Cartman: Dude, girls are such fags. [suddenly, Clyde, Craig, Jimmy, Token, and Jason leave the table and join the girls]
Boys' table except for The Boys: Oh yeah, oh yeah!
Boys:: [Dancing] Boys... are special in their own way.
Girls:: [Dancing] Girls... are special like a birthday.
Kids:: We'll always be dancin' and singin' aloud. Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahh!
Heidi: Here he comes. [the kids make way for a new boy, Bridon Gueermo, who dances towards the camera]
Bridon Gueermo: I like havin' fun in the hot summer sun (wooo!) An' groovin' to the beat when my homework is all done. (yeah!) If you ask me what I know, then you know what I will say? That every single body is special in their own way.
Stan: [while the boy is singing] Who the hell is that?
Butters: Why, that's Bridon Gueermo. He's just a third grader, but he can sing and dance better than anybody.
Bebe: [swooning, walks over to the boys] He's already seen High School Musical 3 over a hundred times.
Kids: Everyone is special in their own way
Bridon: Special in their own way!
Kids:: Move to the beat and let your spirit out!
Bridon: Let it out! Party people!
Kids: As long as we have each other, we'll never have any trouble. That's what bein' friends is about.
Kyle: Are we the only ones here who are completely confused?
Stan: Yeah, I guess we'd better check that movie out...
Scene Description: Stan's house. The boys are watching High School Musical. They're watching a musical sequence with all singing and dancing on tables and up and down stairs. It's quite an elaborate presentation
Singers: You've gotta go with the status quo. If you wanna be a regular Joe. (come on now) And your dreams are only a beat away; don't let 'em tell you no. (tell you no-o-o) You've gotta go with the status quo. Keep singing 'bout the status quo (keep singing 'bout the status) That's the place we know (get down now) We're all in our high school dancing on tables singing 'bout what we know (singing 'bout what we know) We've gotta go with the status quo, go with the status quo. (go with the status) Go with the status quo (go with the status quo). That's where we should go. (Go there now) Copies of pop songs packaged by Disney and turned into a show (into a show). That's the status quo! That's the status quo (That's the status quo) That's the status quohh! That's the place we know (get down now) We're all in our high school dancing on tables singing 'bout what we know (singing 'bout what we know) We've gotta go with the status quo, go with the status quo. (go with the status) Go with the status-
Scene Description: During this number, the following conversation takes place. At first the boys are silently watching the TV, then
Cartman: This... is cool? This... is cool. We are really gettin' old, you guys. [silence follows for a few seconds, then Stan holds up the DVD case]
Stan: Says this DVD sold more copies than any DVD ever made.
Kyle: They just released part 3 in theaters and it made 80 million opening weekend.
Cartman: Well, I'm out guys. [get up from the sofa, puts on his jacket, and heads for the front door] If this is what's cool now, I think I'm done. I no longer have any connection to this world. I'm gonna go home and kill myself. Goodbye, friends.
Stan: I don't care how popular being like these kids becomes, I'm not doing it.
Kyle: I'm not doing it either. Kenny?
Kenny: (No way in hell I'm doing it.)
Stan: All right, do we promise? We have to swear to each other right now we'll never become this. [holds up his right hand. Kyle holds his right hand up as well, and Kenny holds up his left]
Kyle: I swear
Kenny: (I swear too.)
Stan: Okay, good.
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, Garrison's class. Kids begin taking their seats. Stan is writing something as Cartman come in and sits down
Cartman: Ehhhhhhh. [Stan stops writing]
Kyle: What happened? I thought you were gonna kill yourself.
Cartman: I tried. Went to sleep in my mom's car in the garage with the engine turned on.
Stan: But you didn't die?
Cartman: ...Freakin' hybrids, man. They just don't do the trick anymore. [The bell rings and Mr. Garrison walks in with his books]
Mr. Garrison: All right, kids in seats, kids in seats. [the last few kids take their seats] Today we are going to discuss the Berlin Wall. [He writes "Berlin Wall" on the chalkboard] This was a wall in Germany that actually separated the Communist east side and the Democratic west side.
Wendy: stands up on the seat of her desk] East side, west side, whatever side that you're on. [some kids begin to snap their fingers
Bebe: As long as we care about each other we can still have some fun.
Kyle: Aw man.
Class: Don't sweat what you might get by assuming the other side as a threat
Mr. Garrison: [beaming] Oh, you kids. [Stan buries his face in his hand]</poem>
Class: Each side is right or wrong, we've gotta learn to all get along.
Bridon: [enters the classroom] East side, west side, doesn't matter to me. We've gotta learn to power through, set each other free.
Wendy: We don't care what other people wear or the way they like to style their hair. [Stan looks at them both and begins to worry that Bridon might sweep her away]
Bridon, Wendy: Each side is right or wrong, we've gotta learn to all get along.
Class: East siiide, west siiide, east siiide...
Cartman:: [looking around and getting pissed off] God this sucks!
Scene Description: The hallway, later on. Wendy's at her locker putting some books away. Stan is far enough away that she doesn't notice him, but he's watching her. Jimmy walks up to him
Jimmy: Do you feel like maybe you're l-l-losin' her, S-Stan?
Stan: I don't know. There's nothin' I can do about it anyway.
Jimmy: M-Maybe you should just talk to her. You know, a little conversation. Tell her... what you feel. Sometimes you feel like there's a b-burnin' inside you, like a-
Stan: Stop. [holds his left hand out, palm out, for emphasis, and walks away. Jimmy stops singing]
Jimmy: All righty then.
Stan: [walks up to Wendy] Uh, Wendy?
Wendy: [looks at him] Hey Stan.
Stan: Look, I just want you to know, if you want to, you know, be with that Bridon kid, then you should.
Wendy: What?
Stan: I mean, I see the way you two are together and I don't wanna be in your way.
Wendy: Stan, that's ridiculous.
Stan: It is?
Wendy: I would never leave you for Bridon.
Stan: [brightens up] Really?
Wendy: No way. That's stupid. I wouldn't have a chance with Bridon; he can be with any girl he wants. [shuts her locker and walks away, kissing Stan on the left cheek. Jimmy arrives two second later]
Jimmy: There you go. Feel better, p-pal? [Stan stays quiet]
Scene Description: Stan walks through some double doors and continues down the hallway. The doors close behind him
Stan: What am I supposed to do? Can't just sit back and watch some kid steal my girlfriend away. [at an intersection he takes a left turn] I mean, Wendy said she'd never leave me for him. [kids appear behind him and follow him] But what if she just doesn't wanna hurt my feelings? She said he could get any girl he wants, and that means if he wanted, he could have my girl. [the kids begin to snap their fingers] This is all so crazy. I mean really, how could my day get any worse? [noticing the finger-snapping, he stops walking and looks around. The kids wait for him to start singing and dancing] No-no, no, I'm not doing it! I'm not doing it!
Kids: Awww. [murmurs follow]
Stan: No, fuck off. I'm not doing it.
Kids: Awww. [more murmuring. As they disperse, Butters walks up to Stan]
Butters: Awww jeez, you're no fun. [turns right and walks away. At the other end of the hall, Bridon rounds a corner and dances down the hallway in Stan's direction]
Bebe: Hey Bridon.
Bridon: Hey.
Lola: Hi Bridon
Bridon: Hi.
Heidi, Millie: Hey Bridon.
Bridon: Hey.
Stan: [now hiding behind a corner. Bridon passes by him unaware] Hey, kid, over here. [Bridon looks around and finds Stan, then walks over to him] Hey, uh, listen. You know this whole singing and dancing thing you do? I think you need to uh, ease off a little bit.
Bridon: Huh?
Stan: Yeah, look, I I know you think the kids in school like you, but, actually they're all getting really annoyed.
Bridon: They are?
Stan: Yeah. You don't know 'cause you're just a third grader, but, take it from me, [gets stern] you're driving everyone crazy.
Bridon: I don't blame 'em. All that singing and dancing? I can't stand it.
Stan: You don't like doing it?
Bridon: It just isn't me. What I really wanna do is just... play basketball.
Stan: Basketball?
Bridon: I love it! Always have. I never miss a game on TV ...when my dad isn't making me rehearse. I'd love to quit singing and dancing forever and just play ball.
Stan: Dude, you should do that! You should join the basketball team, right now!
Bridon: I can't.
Stan: [firmly] Yes, you can. What's stopping you?
Bridon: [sighs deeply] It's my dad. He thinks basketball is for sissies. If I don't do what he wants, he beats me.
Stan: No, dude, listen, you need to take a stand and tell your dad what you want!
Bridon: Really?
Stan: When you grow up and you're a fourth grader, you'll understand that you have to be tough and direct with your parents. Go to your dad and tell him you wanna give up singing and dancing, and join the basketball team.
Bridon: You know... you're right. I'm gonna talk to my old man tonight. [walks away]
Stan: [proud of himself] Sweet.
Scene Description: Bridon's house, night. He's seated at table for dinner. His mom enters the dining room with the main dish, a casserole. The dining room is lined with posters from various musicals - Phantom of the Opera, Mamma Mia... Felines. A full-length mirror is also present
Mrs. Gueermo: Sit up properly, Bridon. You know how strict your father is about posture. [serves out the casserole] All right dear, dinner's ready!
Mr. Gueermo: [struts in, checks himself out in the mirror, and takes his seat at the head of the table] Okay, let's eat!
Bridon: Dad, I need to talk to you about somethin'.
Mr. Gueermo:: Ooo, that sounds emotional! [holds his hand against his ear to listen better] What is it son? What's on your mind? Whatever it is, you know your dad has the time.
Bridon: No, Dad, can we just talk?
Mr. Gueermo: If you can talk it, you can sing it. [gets up and dances to the mirror again] You can lay down the rhythm and bring it! Just put a melody to the words that you're sayin' and sing the beat-
Bridon: Dad, I want to join the basketball team. [his Dad is upset. He turns around and faces Bridon]
Mr. Gueermo: What did you say?
Bridon: This kid at school today told me I should do what I wanna do. That's what I really wanna do.
Mr. Gueermo: Basketball? No son of mine is going to be a sweaty little jock!
Bridon: But Dad, it's what I really want.
Mr. Gueermo: There's no singing and dancing in basketball!
Bridon: I know. That's kind of why I like it.
Mr. Gueermo: Don't you even think about it! If I had a jock for a son, I'd be the laughingstock of the men's choir club.
Bridon: It's my life, Dad!
Mr. Gueermo: Don't make me slap you! [raises his right hand up, ready to slap] I will slap your face so super hard... [Bridon quickly leaves the table and his dad sits back down] I am the man of this house! You disrespect me and you're gonna get slapped!
Mrs. Gueermo: Maybe you should let him try it.
Mr. Gueermo: What did you say, woman?!
Mrs. Gueermo: You aren't being fair.
Mr. Gueermo: That's it! I'm gonna slap you!
Mrs. Gueermo: No, please.
Mr. Gueermo: [begins to sing and slap] I slap you!
Mrs. Gueermo: Ahh!
Mr. Gueermo: I slap you!
Mrs. Gueermo: Ohh!
Mr. Gueermo: I slap slap slap you!
Mrs. Gueermo: Dohh!
Mr. Gueermo: Slapping you slapping you silly 'cause you disrespected me.
Mrs. Gueermo: Ooohohoo.
Scene Description: South Park Elementary. The four boys approach the school
Cartman: You guys, I need to copy your math homework before class.
Kyle: You're not copying my homework, you lazy turd.
Cartman: Fuck you, Kyle! [upon entering the building, they are met by a pre-class musical production]
Kids: And you know, we're together at school again.
Jimmy: School again.
Stan: Aww!
Kids: With all of our friends, and you know, we'll be doing this forever.
Cartman: Oh God, shut up!
Kids: Together at school again. What a special day.
Cartman: Shut. Up. Shut. Up. Shut. Uuup!
Kids: We could say that neverrrrrrrrrrr Goes away.
Scene Description: The school bell rings and everyone goes to class. Stan catches up to Bridon
Stan: Hey kid, what happened?! I th-I thought you didn't wanna sing and dance anymore?!
Bridon: Yeah, well, my dad blew a gasket when I told him and, then he beat my mom.
Stan: Dude, what did I tell you?! You have to be tough and stand up for yourself! [sees someone down the hall] Mr. Garrett, Mr. Garrett. [Mr. Garrett, the school coach, is eating an apple] This kid wants to join the basketball team. He's really good.
Mr. Garrett: Really?
Bridon: [looks down and away] Look, I should be getting to class.
Mr. Garrett: Hey, we sure could use you, kid. I could never find enough kids that wanna play ball. All the kids and the school funding go to the theater department.
Stan: You see? They need you. This is fate, kid, fate.
Bridon: I don't know...
Mr. Garrett: Look, just come in at recess and shoot some ball with the team.
Stan: Yeah, just go in at recess and shoot some ball with the team, God damn it!
Bridon: Okay.
Scene Description: Recess. The basketball team is assembled in the school gym. Bridon is at the free-throw line and shoots
Mr. Garrett: Aayy, that's great, Bridon.
Bridon: Thanks.
Jason: We might have a chance at winning now. [the doors open at the far end of the gym and Mr. Gueermo enters]
Mr. Gueermo: Bridon! What are you doing here? What are you doing here? Bupow! Bupow! Bupow!
Bridon: Dad, I was just messin' around.
Mr. Gueermo: I drove by the school and saw kids on the playground doing a music number and you weren't there! You're here in the sports gym shooting basket hoops!
Mr. Garrett: Eh, your kid is really good at this.
Mr. Gueermo: Don't talk to me, stupid jock asshole! [Bridon puts his ams up in self-defense]
Mr. Garrett: Just... go easy on him, huh?
Mr. Gueermo: [gasps, then raises his right hand up to strike] You know what this means? It means you're about to get slapped, so you'd better shut up!
Mr. Garrett: If he wants to play ball, you should let him.
Mr. Gueermo: I'll do it! I'll slap the shit out of you!
Mr. Garrett: He's just a kid.
Mr. Gueermo: [slap] You don't tell me how to raise my son! I'll slap it again. [slap]
Bridon: Dad, stop!
Mr. Gueermo: You're trying to turn my son into a little asshole sports person like yourself [slaps with his left hand this time] There, there's another slap! Maybe you'll think next time you act, you- [right-hand slap] Slap it, I'll slap it! [left-hand slap. He then pulls Bridon out of the gym.]
Bridon: Ow, Dad. Dad, you're hurting me.
Mr. Gueermo: Shut up, Bridon! [as he reaches the doors, they open and Mr. Mackey appears]
Mr. Mackey: Uh, what's going on here, Mr. Gueermo?
Mr. Gueermo: Get out of my way, Mackey. You wanna piece of this?! [Mackey doesn't reply, but he slaps him anyway] I'll slap everyone in this God damned school if I have to! [exits the gym, but returns to slap Mackey again, then leaves again]
Scene Description: In the hallway, father and son hurry along.
Mr. Gueermo: You are never going to play shooting hoops, do you understand?! [Stan watches them walk by, his plan dashed] You are going to sing and dance and be the best at it!
Bridon: You're hurting my arm.
Mr. Gueermo: Stupid-ass boy!
Stan: [sighs deeply] Ah, shit.
Scene Description: Scott's house. Cartman, Kyle, and Kenny are playing a video game.
Cartman: Oh that's good that's good. Yeah. Shoot that guy in the face, Kyle. [Stan walks into the living room and stands to one side of the sofa] Yeah, nice.
Stan: You guys, this High School Musical thing isn't gonna go away. I think we'd better just get on board with it.
Kyle: What? Are you crazy?
Cartman: No way dude.
Kyle: We promised each other we would never do that, remember?
Kenny: (Yeah.)
Stan: I know, but... I think we're really starting to become outcasts at school. We're losing all our credibility. I mean, look at who you guys are hanging out with now. Scott Malkinson, for Christ's sake.
Scott Malkinson: What's so bad about hanging out with me?
Cartman: Shut up, Scott Malkinson. "I'm Scott Malkinson. I've got a lisp and I've got diabetes."
Scott: Hey, don't make fun of my diabetes!
Cartman: "Don't make fun of my diabetes, I'm Scott Malkinson." [Kenny laughs]
Stan: You can rip on him, but you guys are hanging out with him. Doesn't that make you think maybe your clout at school has slipped a little?
Kyle: Stan, you're just jealous of that third grader and you think Wendy's gonna go for him unless you start singing and dancing too.
Kenny: (Yeah!)
Stan: That isn't true! [no one challenges] Okay, that's totally true. But you guys, we are at risk of becoming the unpopular kids
Scott: Hey, that was supposed to be my power-up pack.
Cartman: "That was supposed to be my power-up pack, I'm Scott Malkinson and I have diabetes."
Scene Description: The Gueermo house, living room, night. Bridon looks out the window as his father dances to High School Musical on screen
Mr. Gueermo: Yadada yadada yadada dadadadada High School Musical is so awesome. [the doorbell rings and Mr. Gueermo pauses the video and prances to the door. He opens it and two adults appear]
Male CPS Agent: Mister... Gueermo?
Mr. Gueermo: [barks] What?
Male CPS Agent: [shows his official badge] We're from Child Protective Services. [puts it away] There's some concern you might be physically abusing your child?
Mr. Gueermo: What? Who the hell's been saying that?!
Female CPS Agent: We got a phone call from a concerned student who wishes to remain anonymous.
Male CPS Agent: His name is Stan Marsh.
Mr. Gueermo: You'd better just turn your asses around and get back in your little car, 'cause there's a world o'hurt about to come your way!
Male CPS Agent: Mr. Gueermo, we need to come in and have a word with your son.
Mr. Gueermo: [performs a sweeping gesture to usher them in] Oh, by all means. You got the balls to come in here?! Do it! Do it! [the agents enter and walk over to Bridon]
Male CPS Agent: Hello, Bridon, my name is Mr. Kelly. [Mr. Gueermo sneaks up behind him, ready to slap him at any moment] We just wanted to talk to you for a few minutes if that's okay and just maybe... [Mr. Gueermo whistles, Mr. Kelly turns around, and Mr. Gueermo slaps him]
Mr. Gueermo: Yeah! There it is! Slapped you! You probably think I'm finished, huh?! [slap] No, there's another one!
Female CPS Agent: Oh my God!
Mr. Gueermo: [moves over to the female agent] Don't worry, bitch, I didn't forget about you! [slaps her] There's a slap for you! [three slaps follow] Slap, slap, slap! [slaps Mr. Kelly three more times] Yeah, there you go! [slaps the female agent again] Here's a little reach around the back of the head slap! [slaps the female agent, then slaps Mr. Kelly. Mrs. Gueermo rushes in to intervene and take the slaps]
Mrs. Gueermo: Oh God, please, you have to get away! He won't ever stop! [he slaps her seven times]
Mr. Gueermo: Awww. I'm going slap-happy! [chases after the agents and slaps them several more times before they finally reach their car] I'm going slap, slap happy! Slappity slappin' you, teachin' you a lesson for coming in my house! [the agents pull away quickly. He notices his next door neighbor looking on from his own doorway] What are you looking at, Robertson? [in a flash he slaps Robertson three times, and just as quickly he's back inside his house and closes the front door.]
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, next day, hallway. Bebe has something to say.
Bebe: They're here! The audition results for the school musical are in! [the kids react and gather round the results sheet on the bulletin board. Butters is on a stool checking out the results for everyone]
Butters: Hey, you got the lead, Wendy. [the girls congratulate her and Wendy says something in reply]
Clyde: Who's the male lead?
Butters: No surprise there. It's Bridon. [the boys and a few girls congratulate Bridon, who stays quiet] I get to be a stand-in! [moments later Wendy catches up to Bridon. Stan looks on from a distance]
Wendy: Congratulations, Bridon. Guess we'll be working a lot together.
Bridon: [not enthused] Yeah, great.
Stan: God damn it! [walks away. Next scene is him walking down the hall] No matter what I do, this kid just won't stop. [some kids look at him and decide to follow] And now they're gonna be in a show together? Jesus, it's all over for me. [the kids begin to snap their fingers] They'll probably even have a kissing scene. What did I do to deserve this? And what am I suppose to do now? [he stops, the kids stop walking but continue snapping their fingers. Soon they smile in anticipation...] Sooooomeooooone's in the kitchen with Dinah, [the kids' anticipation fades. Stan isn't singing as they'd hope he would] Someone's in the kitchen, I know. Someone's in the kitchen with Dinah Strummin' on the old banjo and go and Fee, fie, fiddle-e-i-o. Fee, fie, fiddle-e-i-o-o-o-o. [Wendy, Bebe, and some other kids arrive] Fee, fie, fiddle-e-i-o. Strumming on the old banjo jo jo... Go tell Aunt Rhodie Go tell Aunt Rhodie Go tell Aunt Rhodie The old gray goose is... Happy Birthday to you Happy Birthday to... [no one is making a sound. Stan puts his hands in his pockets, hangs his head, then turns left and walks away]
Scene Description: The Gueermo house, night. Mr. Gueermo is getting ready for bed... in an unusual way.
Mr. Gueermo: You hear the rhythm. Now is the time, the tiiiiime. It's time to go to bed. It's time to call it a day. You can reach the stars and-
Mrs. Gueermo: [enters in a panic] Oh please. You have to do something.
Mr. Gueermo: What are you interrupting me for?!
Mrs. Gueermo: It's our son, he's- he's running away.
Mr. Gueermo: What?! [rushes downstairs and stops with flair behind Bridon, who's steps away from the front door] What's going on here, what's this all about? [brings his arms up and out, pointing to Bridon at the end with his left hand] What do you think you're doing?
Bridon: Dad, I'm sick of you trying to always-
Mr. Gueermo: Nono! Sing it!
Bridon: [throws his duffle bag down] No! I'm sick of singing!
Mr. Gueermo: Can you believe it? What'd he just say? What's the matter with kids these days? [fixes his gaze on his wife, who's terrified for a bit.]
Mrs. Gueermo: [slowly, carefully] Kids these days.
Mr. Gueermo: Kids these days! [Bridon ignores him and opens the door. His father flies through the air and slams the door shut with his body] Unh unh unh! Just go right back to your room and sing a ballad, mister!
Bridon: Just let me go.
Mr. Gueermo: Go ahead. Make my day. [gets down on his left knee and threatens] You get upstairs, or I will slap you until there's little red hand prints all over face! [Bridon punches him on the nose] Ow! [covers his nose and stands up] Oh my God, what was that? [runs to his wife] Did you see that?! Oh my God it hurts so bad! [she punches him harder] Ow. What the "H" is going on?! [she punches him again, and he runs off, crying. Bridon looks on in awe] What are you doing?! Everyone's crazy!
Scene Description: Stan's house, same night. He's on the sofa immersing himself in the High School Musical movies. Kyle, Cartman, Kenny, and Scott enter.
Kyle: Well, I had to see it to believe it!
Cartman: I told you guys. He's been watching High School Musical over and over again.
Stan: Actually, this is High School Musical 2. It has a dance-along part.
Kyle: We said we wouldn't be a part of this fad and look at you!
Kenny: (Yeah, look at yourself, dude.)
Stan: Look, you guys might be fine with being outcasts and hanging out with Scott Malkinson, but I'm not!
Kyle: You know what? At least Scott Malkinson has some self-respect! At least Scott Malkinson doesn't cave into peer pressure and start doing musicals!
Stan: Scott Malkinson has a lisp and diabetes! Nobody's gonna let him do a musical!
Scott: 'At's enough, you guysth, it's not cool. Lots of kids have diabetes, and you shouldn't be-
Cartman: You shouldn't pick on kids with diabetes, that's not cool. I'm Scott Malkinson.
Stan: Look, guys. [gets off the sofa and walks away from the other boys] The world is changing. We can't fight it, we have to change with it. I've been watching these movies, and from the looks of it, there's gonna be a lot more singing and dancing when we get to high school. [turns around to face them] And if you think we'll gain any respect by ignoring this thing and being individuals, then think about this: right now, [points to them] everyone thinks Butters is way cooler than any of you.
Cartman: That's a low blow, Stan.
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day, the school gym. A basketball game is in progress, five on five. Mr. Mackey and Mr. Adler are doing play-by-play. "Rock & Roll Part II" plays from the speakers
Mr. Mackey: Third team foul on Westchester Bobcats, m'kay. Ball goes back over to the Cows.
Mr. Garrett: All right, you ready to get in there, Bridon?
Bridon: [approaches wearing #11] I'm ready, coach.
Mr. Garrett: Give 'em hell! [Bridon goes in and faces off against the Bobcats' #9. He tosses the ball over to #7, Bradley, and then notices his parents on the bleachers. His mom waves hi, his dad looks away displeased.]
Mr. Mackey: Just a minute to go in the first quarter. [Bridon gets the ball back and shots from the top of the key for a 3 pointer. Everyone applauds him, but his father still isn't looking at him. Mr. Gueermo does, however, notice the crowd's excitement and soon gets into it himself. The song changes to "We Will Rock You" and the crowd gets into that with two stomps and a clap. Mr. Gueermo joins right in]
Scene Description: South Park, next day. The kids are milling around the entrance, so classes haven't started yet.
Bebe: Hey Bridon, how come you weren't at musical rehearsals last night?
Bridon: I joined the basketball team. I gave up singing and dancing forever. I'm just not into it.
Wendy: You gave it up?
Stan: [walks into view with the other three boys] That's right. You know, sometimes you have to go with what your heart tells you. There's things we're all good at. And we just can't keep them bottled up inside. [music begins to play] 'Cause you gotta do what you wanna do. Don't let nothin' get in your way, chase your dream every day. [walks up to a boy and girl] True, girl, you know it's true, that if you really wanna be you, you've gotta do what you wanna do. [walks back to Bridon] He was unhappy 'cause he just wanted to play ball
Cartman: [approaches two other kids] But he finally got the courage to answer his heart's call.
Stan: Just like me, all I ever wanted was to sing and dance. And now that I stood up for my dream I finally have the chance. [the four boys form a chorus line and dance]
Boys: You've gotta do what you wanna do. Even if other people don't really want you to. [Kyle whips off his hat while approaching two girls] True, girl, you know it's true, [returns to the chorus line] that the thing you wanna do is the thing that you should do. [Kyle dances away to two other girls]
Kyle: Some kids think I'm strange 'cause I like studying for an exam But I don't let that bother me, because it's who I am. [Cartman dances over to two kids]
Cartman: And I like nothin' better than makin' fun of Jews. And ripping on black people, though some people think it's rude, but you gotta- [rejoins the chorus line with Kyle]
Boys:: Do what you wanna do. Just make sure that what you're doing is what's cool and popular with everyone Chew, baby, chew and chew. When you're eating jerky, if eating jerky is what you wanna do.
Bebe: [arrives with Wendy, Red, and another girl during the song] Hey Bridon, can we watch you practice basketball?
Bridon: Uhh, sure. [the girls follow him to the gym. The other students go their separate ways.]
Kyle: Do what you want, don't have restraint.
Cartman: Don't stress about it or you just might faint.
Kenny: (If you wanna get high and jack off, it's cool.)
Stan: Try to do what you wanna do!
Boys: Do what you wanna do. As long as what you wanna do is what everybody wants you to. Glue, baby, buy some glue Just in case if what you're doin' [Stan continues singing, they all keep dancing]
Stan: involves needing scissors and glue!
Scott: Hey guys. Hey guys! [all stop. Stan looks around and doesn't see anyone else]
Stan: Huh? [the other boys turn around]
Kyle: Where did everybody go?
Scott: The girls all wanted to go watch 'at Bridon kid practice basketball.
Stan: But the girls like singing and dancing.
Scott: No, I think the girls just like that Bridon kid, no matter what he does.
Stan: But... No, we just... No, no wait. We just got good at this! Aw!.