Scene Description: The True Value parking lot somewhere in South Park, day. The boys are playing with motorized toy cars.
Cartman: Dude, these little remote-controlled cars are kickass. [a car goes up a ramp and jumps off]
Kyle: Sweet. I made mine go off the jump. [Stan's car is uncooperative]
Stan: Dude, my car sucks. I gotta get a new one. [some kids come up behind Stan]
Kyle: Hey, who are those kids?
Scene Description: Stan and Cartman turn to see. The crew of five approach and stop. Their leader, dressed in grays, steps forth with his boombox and sets it down, presses "Play," and steps back into the crew. A rap begins to play and the crew begins to dance.
Boombox: Let's see you daaance, sucka! You've got nothin' on me! Let's see you daaance, sucka! You've got nothin' on me! Let's see you...! Let's see you...! Let's see you...! Let's see you...! Daaance, sucka! [brief instrumental] Let's see you daaance, sucka! You've got nothin' on me! Let's see you daaance, sucka! You've got nothin' on me! Let's see you daaance-
OC Leader: Yeah, how you like that y'all! [Stan and his friends merely look on]
OC Member 1: [dressed in red] Let's bring it to these losers.
OC Girl: Aww yeah!
Scene Description: The OC crew leader dances forward and does some gymnastics moves in Stan's face.
OC Leader: Whatchoo got, huh?! You got nothin'!
Scene Description: The OC crew leader does some more moves and steps backwards into his crew.
OC Leader: Damn! You just got served!
Scene Description: His crew agrees with him. Stan and friends don't move. The crew member dressed in red steps forward and dances in Kyle's face.
OC Leader: Aww man!
Scene Description: One of the dancers twirls on his head and ends in a challenge pose.
OC Girl: He got you, dude.
OC Leader: Now that kid is gettin' served!
OC Girl: Uh huh.
Scene Description: The dancer in red stands on his left hand and challenges Kyle with his groin.
OC: Whoa!
Scene Description: The dancer rolls away and stands on his right hand, rolls back and rests on his left side, then dances away.
OC Leader: Aww man, look at them! They know they can't trip to that! [the girl turns the radio off and the dancers turn and walk away.] Yeah! We're outta here!
OC Member 2: [in gray-green, looks left] That was smokin'!
OC Member 1: [looks right] They didn't do nothin'!
OC Member 3: [Asian, turns around] Sorry y'all, but try not to let it sting too bad! [laughs and turns around]
OC Leader: [turns around] You got served! [the others laugh and he turns around] Come on! They had nothin'! Let's go y'all!
OC Member: Come on y'all! [...and they're gone]
Kyle: ...What the hell just happened?
Scene Description: Chef's house, later. Stan rings the doorbell.
Chef: [opens up] Oh. Hello there, children!
Stan: Chef, we just got served.
Chef: Oh boy... Well come on inside, children. I'll make you some cocoa.
Scene Description: Chef's house, living room. Chef shows the children to the couch.
Chef: Have a seat, children. Just try to relax and breathe. [the boys sit down] Are you all okay?
Kyle: Yeah.
Chef: All right. Now, where did you get served?
Stan: Over at the True Value parking lot. There were just these kids we never saw before showed up and they were like, really good dancers and, we don't really understand what it means, but I guess-
Chef: Okay okay, relax children. Relax. It's all over now. Just try to calm down and sit tight. [turns around and picks up the phone] I'm gonna call your parents and let them know you're okay. [taps out a number and the phone rings] Mrs. Marsh? Hi, it's Chef. Yeah, I'm good. Listen: Stan and his friends just got served. Yeah. Yeah, over at the True Value. No no, he's fine. They're all fine. Yeah, it was some kids from out of town. Apparently they were pretty good dancers. They really let 'em have it.
Scene Description: Stan's house, that night. The family is at the dining table. Sharon brings a large dish over to Stan.
Sharon: Here, Stanley, I made your favorite potato dish. I want you to feel better, okay.
Randy: What's the matter with him?
Sharon: Oh. Stan got served at school today.
Randy: You got served? By who?
Stan: Some, kids from Orange County.
Sharon: Let's not make a big deal out of it.
Randy: So wha- so what'd you do? D'you dance back?
Stan: No.
Randy: What? Yo-you got served and just stood there and took it?
Sharon: That was the right thing to do.
Randy: No, that's crap, Sharon. Stanley, when somebody challenges you to dance, you have to dance back at them, or else they'll think you're weak.
Stan: But Dad, I don't know how to dance or nothin'.
Randy: [in low tones] Well then, it's about time you learned! [rises from the table] Put on some loose-fitting clothes and meet me in the garage!
Stan: But Dad-
Randy: Now! [walks off]
Scene Description: Stan's house, garage. Stan and Randy are present. Randy is dressed in sweats, Stan is dressed in sweat pants and sleeveless T-shirt. Randy puts a CD into a stereo system.
Randy: All right son, dancing is all about a frame of mind. Now, I'm not telling you to go around challenging other kids to dance, but when they challenge you, you just look 'em straight in the eye, and give 'em this.
Scene Description: "Achy-Breaky Heart" begins to play, and Randy begins to dance and starts to sing. Stan looks on.
Randy: Come on, Stan.
Scene Description: Stan steps closer and begins to follow Randy's moves.
Randy: ...six, seven, eight.
Scene Description: Stan steps out of a slipper, but slips back into it quickly.
Scene Description: South Park, day, Luau's Toys. Stan and his friends exit and walk down the street.
Kyle: Dude, that is a sweet RC car!
Stan: [carrying the car] Yeah, let's go race it right now![they run into the OC kids]
OC Member 2: Well, what we got here?
OC Member 1: It's the white boys that were served yesterday. [they laugh]
OC Leader: You want a little more, homeboys?
Kyle: We're not interested, thanks.
OC Member 1: [steps forth] You're not interested? Not interested in this?
Scene Description: The OC member waits for the boombox to play, then dances in Kyle's face, including a back flip. All of the OC crew members begin to dance.
Boombox: You can't step to my roots, so don't try it. You can't burn with my group so don't light it. I'm on the OC crew and I'm better than you. You like to suck my balls, don't deny it. You can't bop her like me so don't go there. You never find a bigger bitch player nowhere. I put my jimmy in a ho, put off soul. I'm a good listener and that's rare.
Black Man: Oh Lord, look at those moves.
Black Woman: Oooo, they are takin' it out!
Black Man 2: Oh man, they are getting served!
Black Woman 2: Ooooo, it's getting hot out here!
Black Man 3: Have mercy!
Scene Description: The dancers edge closer and closer to the South Park boys.
Others: Oooooo, look at that! Lord! Gettin' served!
Scene Description: The rap music is turned off and the OC crew turns to see who did it. Stan puts in his CD and prepares to serve the OC boys. "Achy Breaky Heart" plays and Stan dances the steps he learned the night before. The crowds behind both groups look on for a while, then begin to cheer Stan on. Chef is walking down the street minding his own business, but he looks over at the commotion and his jaw drops.
Kyle: Yeah! Go Stan!
Chef: Oh no! [begins to cross the street] No, stop Stan! You don't know what you're doin'!
Scene Description: The OC crew are speechless. The song ends. Stan looks around and smiles. Kenny, Cartman and the crowd applaud Stan. Kyle pats Stan on the back. The OC kids look like they just got served.
Kyle: All right Stan!
Cartman: Ha! You just got f'd in the a!
OC Leader: Wha?
Kyle: Yeah! You got served!
Kenny: (Woohoo!)
Cartman: Yeah!
Kyle: That's right!
Cartman: All right!
Kenny: (Woohoo!)
Chef: [arrives] No no no!
OC Leader: Okay. All right. We got served. So now, I guess... It's on.
Stan: What?
OC Member 1: This Saturday! Our top five dancers against your top five dancers! OC Convention Center. It's on!
OC Members: It's on! It's on! It's on! It's on!
Townsman: [closes his eyes and laments] Oh Lord it's on!
Chef: Oh dammit! I knew that was gonna happen.
OC Member 3: We'll see you Saturday, fools! [the crowd behind the OC crew parts and they leave]
OC Members: Yeah, and you'd better have a lot better dancers with you than those loozas! 'Cause it's on!
OC Members: It's on! It's on! It's on! It's on!
Scene Description: The crowd begins to murmur about Saturday and the competition.
Chef: Stan, what the hell did you dance back for?
Stan: I thought I was supposed to!
Chef: Now you've gotta compete against them in the dance competition on Saturday!
Stan: But why?
Chef: Because if you get served and served them back, then it's on! Don't you know anything??
Scene Description: Stan's house, breakfast nook. Randy is filling out checks for his bills.
Sharon: [enters the kitchen with Stan] Well, nice going, Randy! Really great advice you gave our son here!
Randy: [turns around] What?
Sharon: Those kids showed up to serve Stan again and he danced back!
Randy: So what happened?
Sharon: It's on!
Scene Description: Stan looks helplessly at his father as his mother drags him off. Randy looks on.
Scene Description: OC Convention Center, day. A large screen over the Center says "Bounce" while a sign closer to the viewer says "This Saturday, 7 PM, Orange County VS. South Park, Dance Competition. It's On!!!!" Inside, preparations are made for the competition. On the floor, the OC crew practices its move under their coach's supervision.
Coach: Come on now, keep it tight!
Scene Description: The OC leader and the member in red drop backwards and then spin on their heads, the girl spins on her left hand
Coach: Good. Now watch that timing, drill team!
Scene Description: In the background Randy appears and walks through one of the many doors. The crew finishes with a flourish. The members then congratulate themselves.
OC Member 1: All right!
OC Girl: [stands] All right!
OC Leader: Yeah, bad ass!
OC Member 2: Yeah, that was tight!
Coach: Not bad, kids. Not bad. [Randy approaches]
OC Member 1: Not bad? South Park doesn't stand a chance!
OC Girl: I heard that!
Coach: All right, it was good. But we don't want "good," we want pain!
Randy: Uh, hey, ex- excuse me.
Coach: [turns around] Yeah?
Randy: Hi, uh, my name is Randy Marsh. I'm Stan Marsh's father.
Coach: Oh, so you're the father of the boy who's gonna get f'd in the a on Saturday?
OC Member 3: Dang!
OC Leader: Oooooo!
Randy: Uh, listen. Uh, it was my fault that Stanley served your boys the other day. Uh, I told him to do it and I... We- well look I, I just came down here to tell you... it- it- it's not on.
Coach: Oh, it's on!
Randy: No, no, no, it's not on.
Coach: Whoo, it's on all right!
Randy: It isn't on. Nothing's on. It's off.
Coach: [insistent] It's on!
Randy: I'm keeping my son home Saturday. I just came by to let you know so you can... put a stop to all this. Goodbye. [turns around and walks away]
Coach: Hold on a second, clam-head! [catches him and blocks his way] You think you can just roll in here and tell us it's not on when it very clearly is on?! You're just trying to make us not practice, aren't you?! Because you know that your kids are goin' down when my kids give them this! Give me some moves out, Girl T! [the girl turns on the boombox] Check this out! [balances on his left hand and bounces around, then stands up] Yeah! You like that?!
OC Leader: Oooo man! [shakes his head]
OC Member 1: Ohhh Lord!
Scene Description: The coach spins on his back, rises to one hand, flips over, and lands doing the splits, then rises to his feet using an imaginary hook.
OC Leader: Oooo, he is gettin' served! [the girl shakes her head]
Scene Description: Hell's Pass Hospital, day. Randy is recovering in a room. He's got breathing tubes in his nose and his eyes are squeezed shut. His friends surround him.
Randy: Aw, mph! Uuuugh-ah.
Sharon: [enters with Stan] Randy? [rushes to his bedside] Randy, oh my God!
Skeeter: What happened to him, Doctor?
Dr. Doctor: He got served. Worst I've ever seen.
Jimbo: Old fool went down to the OC to try to reason with the other team, and he got served up somethin' fierce.
Chef: Oh Lord...
Randy: [his voice raspy] His dancing was so fast I... couldn't do anything. His moves were... so original, so inventive. [winces] Ungh! Grrgh.
Nurse: [soothing him] Shh. Relax, Mr. Marsh. [Dr. Doctor walks off]
Dr. Doctor: We just got the X-rays back. [walks to a backlit board and points out the injuries] He mostly got served here [a rib] and here [forearm]. But the worst serving was here in the pelvis region. The road to recovery will be a long one.
Jimbo: Boy. You must really wanna take to to those Orange County kids now, huh, Stan?
Skeeter: Are you kiddin'? Stan is probably ready to pounce on them after what they did to his father! [looks over at his dad, then at the other men]
Stan: I, I don't know. He seems all right.
Mr. Garrison: I could only imagine the rage building inside you, Stan. I bet you can't wait to out-dance those OC bastards!
Randy: Stan? Stan?
Stan: [walks to Randy's bedside] Yeah, I'm- I'm right here, Dad.
Randy: Stan, listen to me. I don't want you feeling like you have to do that competition now to avenge me.
Stan: Okay, good.
Randy: [emphatic] But I know I can't stop you from doing it. So all I can say is... give 'em hell, son. Give 'em hell. [passes out. The "8 Mile" theme begins to play and the camera closes in on Stan]
Stan: [thinks and then walks off miffed] God dammit!
Scene Description: Loading dock at South Park Elementary, day. Stan walks over and finds the Goths there, as usual. Henrietta reads a book.
Stan: Hey guys. Uh- You guys know how to dance, right?
Michael: [with cigarette] Of course we know how to dance.
Stan: Cool, because, there's this competition on Saturday, and I have to find the very best dancers in South Park to be on my crew. My friends can't do it because they suck ass, so, will you be in my dance troupe?
Pete: Dance troupe? Please. [leans to one side and whips his hair back into place] We don't dance like those Britney and Justin wannabes at school. [whips his hair back into place] Goth kids dance to express pain and suffering.
Michael: Yeah. [stands up] The only cool way to dance is to keep your hands at your sides and your eyes looking at the ground. Then every three seconds you take a drag from your cigarette.
Scene Description: Michael leans his head to the right for two beats, leans it to the left for two beats, leans it to the right for two beats while taking a drag, leans it to the left for two beats, repeats. The red Goth follows suit, then all four Goths dance the same way.
Stan: Okay, that'll work fine. Listen, there's a dance competition this Saturday and I need good dancers so I don't get served.
Pete: [flips his hair back] No way. Dancing is something you do alone in your room at three in the morning.
Stan: [walks up to the red Goth] Please, you guys, our whole town's reputation is at stake! Will any of you do it?
Pete: I'm not doin' it. Being in a dance group is totally conformist.
Henrietta: Yeah. I'm not conforming to some dance-off regulations.
Firkle: I'm not doin' it either. I'm the biggest nonconformist of all.
Michael: I'm such a nonconformist that I'm not going to conform with the rest of you. Okay, I'll do it. [rises and walks over to Stan]
Stan: Great! [they leave together]
Henrietta: Whoa. I think we just got put in our place.
Pete: Yeah. We just got Goth-served.
Scene Description: The neighborhood. Stan and Michael walk down the street.
Stan: All right, we gotta find three other kids that can dance.
Michael: We should go to the arcade. [takes a drag from his cigarette]
Stan: The arcade?
Michael: Yeah. There's this Asian kid name Yao. He's an expert at that Dance Dance Revolution game. [takes a drag from his cigarette]
Scene Description: The Sinistarcade. A Dancin' Dancin' Dancin' Machine game is prominently shown, and an Asian boy dances furiously on the foot pad on the right. The arrows indicate which foot buttons the boy should be stepping on. He's hit every one, so his score is perfect. Stan and Michael look on.
Stan: Dude, he's incredible.
Michael: He should be. He's here playing that game every single day after school. I think he's spent about six thousand dollars on it so far. [the game gets faster and faster and the kid keeps up. Eventually the game ends, the boy picks up his soda cup and walks away.]
Stan: [catches up to Yao at the change machine] Hey kid, you're pretty good. How would you like to join our dance troupe?
Yao: You mean, dancing without a machine telling you what to do?
Stan: Yeah.
Yao: That's stupid. [waves him off and walks away]
Stan: [catches up] Dude, we need you.
Yao: I can't dance without the machine.
Stan: It's all right. My friend Chef is gonna coach us.
Yao: Okay. I'll give it a shot.
Stan: All right, that's three!
Michael: Dude, we need a girl.
Stan: Huh?
Michael: We can't be a dance troupe with just guys. People will think we're fags.
Stan: Oh yeah. [thinks a bit with finger to chin] Wait a minute. I know just where to go!
Scene Description: Raisins. Happy Hour all day!!! Inside the little waitresses go about their work. Two of them dance, shaking their asses in rhythmic unison. Mercedes dances for a boy, who looks on in bliss.
Porsche: Hi guys, welcome to Raisins. Three of you?
Stan: Ah actually we were just hoping we could talk to you guys real quick.
Maury: You have to buy wings if you wanna talk to the Raisins girls. [Stan look at his crew. Moments later they are seated at the bar, with Mercedes]
Stan: And so we're putting all the best dancers in South Park together to beat Orange County.
Mercedes: [twirling her hair] Wow, that sounds great. I always wanted to try my dancing somewhere else.
Stan: So you'll do it?
Mercedes: Why not?
Stan: All right, we just need one more person!
Mercedes: Hey, we should get that kid that was state champion in tap dancing.
Stan: What? The state tap champion is from here? Who?
Mercedes: I think his name was... [closes her eyes] Leopold... Stotch or something?
Stan: Leopold Stotch...? Wait a minute. You mean...
Scene Description: Butters' house, day. He's at the kitchen assembling a toy car.
Butters: Loo loo loo, I've got some apples. Loo loo loo, you've got some too. Loo loo loo, I've-
Linda: [enters] Butters, you have some visitors. [Stan, Michael, Mercedes, and Yao appear]
Butters: [turns around] Oh well, hi there everybody. [his mom leaves]
Stan: Butters, listen. There's gonna be a competition this Saturday, and we want you to join our troupe.
Butters: Wow, neat-o, a competition? Why, I'd love to. What kind of competition is it?
Stan: It's a dance-off. We heard you were tap dancing state champion two years ago. [his smile vanishes as he begins to think back, then a small grimace appears.]
Butters: ...No.
Stan: But, you were, weren't you? Y-you went to the nationals in Nebraska.
Butters: No. [hops off the chair and runs away] No no no no no no, no! [runs into the living room and up the stairs] No! No no no no!
Linda: Butters? [rises and looks up the stairs] Butters?! [Stan and the other kids enter]
Stan: We just asked him to join our dance troupe. We heard he was state tap champion.
Linda: Oh. Oh dear. I'm sorry kids, it's just that... Butters hasn't danced since the tragedy.
Mercedes: A tragedy?
Butters: [from his room] Waaaaah!
Linda: I'm sorry, kids, you'll have to go.
Scene Description: Outside. The kids leave Butters' house and make their way to the sidewalk.
Stan: Dammit, where are we gonna get our fifth member?
Yao: Hey I heard about this guy in Como who has a duck that can dance.
Stan: A duck? Dude, don't be stupid! Those OC kids are professional dancers! Now come on, there's gotta be one other talented person in South Park.
Scene Description: Butters' house, Butters' bedroom closer door slides open and he looks in. On the floor, covered in cobwebs and underneath some clothes is an orange shoe box with red lid. Butters slides the door open more and reaches in. He pulls out the box and sets it on his bed. He sits down next to it, nervously. Butters opens the box and pulls out news clippings: "Local Boy Taps His Way to the Finals" "Best in State Arrive in Lincoln" "Eight Dead as Finalist Loses Step" "Biggest Tap Tragedy since 1954". He then removes some tissue from the tap shoes, then removes a shoe. He inspects it until he sees the blood on the side of the shoe.
Butters: Aaaaah! [quickly throws the shoes and clippings away, then goes to cry into his pillow] Aaaaah!
Scene Description: A ranch. Stan and his troupe arrive.
Stan: All right, so you're sure he can dance?
Rancher: Oh yeah. There he is. That's Jeffy.
Yao: That don't look like a dancing duck to me.
Rancher: Well, that's 'cause it needs music. Here y-here ya go, Jeffy.
Scene Description: The rancher brings out a violin and begins playing.
Rancher: You'll do a line and I'll do a line, honeeey. You'll do a line and I'll do a line, babe.
Scene Description: The duck rises and begins to dance.
Rancher: You'll do a line and I'll do a line, we'll fight an' screw 'til the mornin' time. Honey, babe, be mine. You'll do a line and I'll do a line, honey-
Stan: Hey, he- Is that the only song he'll dance to?
Rancher: No no, he'll dance to anything. See? You'll snort K and I'll snort K, honeeey. You'll snort K and I'll snort K, babe. You'll snort K and I'll snort K, we'll fight an' screw all night and day. Honey, babe, be mine.
Stan: My friends, I think we have ourselves a dance troupe.
Scene Description: Butters' house, day. Linda walks up the stairs to Butters' room and knocks on the door.
Linda: Butters? Butters? Come on, sweetie, it's gonna be okay. [a shot of Butters under the covers, with bug eyes] Come on, Butters. You went through a lot of therapy for this. That was almost two years ago, sweetie.
Butters: Two years ago. Two years ago!
Scene Description: The camera goes into Butters' eye and a memory of the finals two years prior comes up. A girl dances, finishes, and takes several curtsies.
Announcer: That was Beverly Long from Indianapolis, folks. Let her hear it! [she waves to the audience and walks off] All right, and now, dancing to the song "I've Got Something In My Front Pocket For You," here is Colorado state champion, Leopold "Butters" Stotch! [the audience applauds. The Stotches are present and clapping with the audience. The song begins to play, Butters begins to dance]
Singer: I've got something in my front pocket for you Why don't you reach down in my pocket and see what it is Then grab onto it, it's just for you Give a little squeeze and say, "How do you do?" There's something in my front pocket, There's something in my front pocket, There's something in my front pocket-
Scene Description: As the song reaches its climax, he dances faster and faster, until his right shoe flies off his foot.
Butters: Whoops.
Scene Description: Butters' shoe strikes a floodlight in the rafters and knocks it down. The light lands on a man, instantly killing him. Blood splatters onto the surrounding audience members, who get up and scatter. The rafters begin to break apart. A pole comes down and impales a fleeing woman. Her flying blood reaches Butters. More lights fall down and a cable is torn from its anchor, leaving a hole in the wall. The cable swings down and slices a couple in two along the abdomen. The upper halves of their bodies slide off and fall to the ground.
Woman: Paul. Paul!
Scene Description: The woman grabs onto the stage light and is electrocuted. Another man, who was sliced in two by the cable, attempts to gather his insides back into himself. The rafters come down and kill another man, and Paul's widow finally blows up. More blood lands on Butters, and the crowd begins to panic.
Butters: Wuuuhaaaaaaah! Aaaaaaaah! [a man is trampled to death underfoot. Butters watches the auditorium empty out] No! Nooo! Noooooooooooooooo!
Scene Description: South Park, day. Chef approaches Lamont's Dance Studio with his boombox and duffle bag.
Chef: All right, children, let's get to rehearsin'! [sets his stuff onto a table next to the door] We don't have much time, and you've got to become the dance group you can be. [moves further into the studio] I think we should- [stops] Whoa. [a shot of the five dancers, including Jeffy, who quacks] This... is the dance troupe?
Stan: Yeah, dude, the best dancers South Park has to offer.
Chef: Oh boy. [returns to his boombox] All right, well, why don't you show me what you got? I wanna see what you kids can do!
Scene Description: Chef starts the CD player. The troupe members display their moves: Stan with the Achy Breaky Dance, Michael with the hanging head, Yao with his DDDM moves, Mercedes with her rump shaker, Jeffy with his duck strut.
Boombox: You can't step to my roots, so don't try it. You can't burn with my group so don't light it. I'm on the East-side crew and I'm better than you. You like to suck my balls, don't deny it. You can't bop her like me so don't go there. You never find a bigger bitch player nowhere. I put my jimmy in a ho, put off soul. I'm a good listener and that's rare.
Chef: Oh Lord have mercy. [turns off the boombox] Children, children! No no, you've got it all wrong. Don't you see, children? You have the heart, but you don't have the soul. No no, wait. You have the soul, but you don't have the heart. [scratches his head] No no, scratch that. You have the heart and the soul, but you don't have the talent.
Stan: We're gonna get served on Saturday, aren't we?
Yao: What? I don't wanna get served.
Mercedes: Yeah, you didn't tell us that we might get served.
Stan: Well that was the whole point of the whole thing was that the guys came back and they said we were gonna get served and we were like- [the others also speak, the others continue to argue, talking over one another.]
Chef: All right all right, quiet, children! Now, nobody's getting served if I can help it. We just gotta buckle down, dig deep, and pray that maybe the other team comes down with cancer. [Stan droops his head.]
Scene Description: Butters' room. He's working on a Lego building, which might be a model of South Park. Stan enters and walks up to him. Butters glances back and then looks at his work again.
Butters: What do you want?
Stan: I came to ask you one more time to join the crew. Everyone is practicing really hard, but... I don't think we have any kind of shot without you.
Butters: Sorry, Stan, I'm not a dancer anymore. [leaves his chair and walks up to his Lego box] I gave that up.
Stan: Your mom says you were one of the best dancers in the country.
Butters: [rummaging for Lego blocks to take back to his desk] Did she also tell you my dancing got eight people killed?
Stan: Yeah. She said your shoe came off. It wasn't your fault.
Butters: Yeah well, you tell that to their families. [returns to his desk with a new batch of blocks]
Stan: Look, Butters, accidents happen. We all have to live with that.
Butters: [whirls around] I let those people down! Don't you get it, man?! Eight people died!
Stan: Well, it was nine, actually. One of the women was pregnant.
Butters: What?
Stan: And eleven if you count the two family members that killed themselves afterward.
Butters: [cups his hear so he hears no more] Aaaah!
Stan: But that isn't the point, Butters! [Butters resumes building his tiny town] The point is that this is now! It's on! And there are people who need you to step up! Look, nobody likes having to rise to a challenge. But competing against other people and getting in their faces saying "Haha! I'm better than you!" is part of life. And if you can't face that, then you might as well sit here and play Legos until you're an old man.
Butters: Get out of my room, Stan.
Stan: [Firmly] Fine. [walks to the door and opens it] But someday you're gonna have to stop running from what happened and start dealing with it. Otherwise, you might as well move to France with all the other pussies. [leaves and closes the door. Butters, angered, tosses some blocks into his town, then wipes the town off the desk.]
Scene Description: The OC Convention Center. "It's ON!!!! NOW!!!!".
MC: Yeah, make some noise!
Scene Description: The audience cheers. The OC side is shown, then the SP side. The Blacks, Jimbo, Ned, Skeeter, and Mr. Garrison are in that audience. The South Park crew is then shown with Chef
MC: Ladies and Gentlemen,
Scene Description: The Marshes are shown, Randy with his portable oxygen tank and wheelchair.
MC: man, you are all in for a treat! Whichever crew wins tonight, you wanna remember their faces, 'cause the next time you see them... will be in Lil Kim's next video! Give it up for Lil Kim!
Scene Description: A tiny Lil Kim is shown seated on a table. Her lips and breasts are waaaay too big for her infant-sized body.
Lil Kim: [high squeaky voice] What's up, n***az?! [waves to the audience]
MC: This is gonna be a rough battle, y'all. So let's give it up for the OC Crew! [the crew is shown, then their parents in the audience are shown] And the challengers, the South Park Diggitys!
Jimbo: Man, it is about to get crazy up in here.
Mr. Garrison: Aww, yeah.
MC: A'ight y'all. It's showtime!
Announcer: Dancers to the floor! [the OC Crew steps forth]
Mercedes: [runs up to Stan] Stan. Stan, we have a big problem!
Stan: What?
Mercedes: It's Jeffy. He sprained his ankle.
Scene Description: Jeffy the duck has an ice pack on his ankle. The rest of the crew approaches.
Stan: What happened??
Mercedes: He was practicing the six-eight count and slipped on the floor.
OC Member 3: Come on, fools! You dancin' or what?!
Yao: Can he move it?
Scene Description: Yao touches the ice pack and Jeffy protests vociferously. Yao removes his hand.
Stan: Aw, what do we do, Chef?!
Chef: Rules are you have to have five dancers. We have no choice, children. We have to forfeit.
OC Member 1: Looks like they ain't even gonna dance.
OC Leader: They're too scared! Looks like they already got served!
Scene Description: The doors at the back of the OCCC open up and Butters appears. Some spectators turn to see who it is, but have a hard time because of the glare behind Butters. The doors close behind him and he walks down the hall towards the dance-off.
Butters: Hey! Can I still dance with you guys?
Stan: Butters! [the SP crew moves towards him]
Chef: All right!
MC: All right come on, let's do this! DJ! Give us a hot track!
Scene Description: The DJ starts up a CD. The OC Crew dances first.
CD: Let's see you daaance, sucka! You've got nothin' on me! Let's see you daaance, sucka! You've got nothin' on me!
Scene Description: The OC leader comes up to Butters and serves him with a balance act on the right hand twice and a back flip, then returns to the crew, spins on his head a few times, then ends on his side, resting his head on his right hand.
CD: Let's see you...! Let's see you...! Daaance, sucka!
Scene Description: The music begins a brief instrumental. The Diggitys answer the serve with a sequence that has the members twirling and handing off to the next one until all point to Butters. He then steps forth tap-dancing. He dances well, but his dancing gets intense quickly.
CD: Let's see you daaance, sucka! You've got nothin' on me! Let's see you dance sucka!
Scene Description: Butters' intensity is so great that his left shoe flies off his foot and sails into the rafters.
Butters: Waaah! [the spectators follow the shoe's arc. The shoe hits a stage light, which comes down and kills the OC leader. The OC coach comes forward] No! Jesus, not again!
OC Member 1: Aaaah!
OC Member 3: Get out of here!
Scene Description: The rafters come down on the rest of the crew, including the coach, killing them instantly. Butters and the spectators are mortified at these developments.
MC: [walks up, sadly] Folks, it looks like the OC crew is dead. [excitedly] That means the winner is the South Park Diggitys!
Skeeter: Woo!
Mr. Garrison: Yeah!
Jimbo: All right!
Chef: All right! We did it! [he and the Diggitys approach Butters]
Stan: All right Butters!
Yao: You did it!
Randy: You did it, son! You did it!
Cartman: All right, Butters!
Scene Description: The people who arrive to congratulate Butters: Cartman, Kenny, Kyle, Mr. Garrison, Jimbo, Liane, Token and his parents, Ned, Principal Victoria, Mr. Mackey, Mayor McDaniels. Stan and Cartman hoist Butters up between them and walk towards the camera. The others follow. Butters' mouth fills the screen.
Butters: No! No! Noooooo!


Scene Description: Butters' house, day. Butters is in the living room eating some soup. The doorbell rings. Butters stops and looks at the door. He rises and opens it, and sees a large wooden crate waiting on the porch.
Butters: What the heck?
Scene Description: Butters steps outside to look for the address label.
Butters: Whoa! What a huge package! [finds it, the shipping label reads]
Butters: To Butters Stotch. Oh boy! It's for me! It's for me! [returns to the crate's label]
Butters: Who is it from? "Sent from: Japan. Konichi-wa." [skips around] Wow! A package for me from Japan!!+
Scene Description: Butters pushes the crate into the house.
Butters: Wow, what can it be? My birthday isn't until September 11.
Scene Description: Butters skips around and runs into the house. He returns with a small crowbar.
Butters: Oh boy! I've never gotten a package this big! I've always wanted to have a huge package.
Scene Description: Butters tugs at the panel he loosened. The panel swings down and Butters flies off. He lays on his back and looks up. A large A.W.E.S.O.M.- O., wide enough to resemble Cartman, walks out of the crate.
Cartman: [monotone] Greetings. I am the AWESOM-O 4000.
Butters: [dazzled] Whoa...
Cartman: I have been sent from Japan to serve as your personal robot.
Butters: [approaches AWESOM-O] You... you're my robot?
Cartman: Yes. I will be your new best friend.
Butters: Oh wow!
Scene Description: Moments later, Butters has Cartman sitting on his bed. Butters goes to his desk and makes a few calls.
Butters: Yep. That's right. He's a real live robot. He can walk and talk and everything. You're like the fourth kid I told already.
Scene Description: Cartman snickers to himself
Butters: Well I gotta go, Dougie. My robot and I have stuff to do.
Scene Description: Butters hangs up, takes the phone back to his bedside table and sets the phone down.
Butters: Heheh, they're all so jealous! [He hops onto the bed next to Cartman.] I'm so glad you came into my life, AWESOM-O. You're the best friend a guy could have.
Cartman: Yes. You can trust AWESOM-O. In fact, you should tell AWESOM-O all your most personal secrets. AWESOM-O will not make fun of you or tell your secrets to other people and stuff.
Butters: Hey yeah! Well, I can tell you anything, huh? [strokes his chin] Well lessee... Well, for one, I have what's called a hesitated colon, which means I sometimes can't control my sphincter.
Cartman: [snickers] Really?
Butters: Well, nobody knows it, but sometimes I poop my pants, so I have to wear a diaper to school. [Cartman begins to chuckle] You okay, AWESOM-O?
Cartman: Yes. AWESOM-O is fine. Please go on.
Butters: Well, I have to take medicine for it every day. It's a little suppository I have to... put up my rectum.
Cartman: [laughs] That, that's very interesting. Tell AWESOM-O more secrets.
Butters: Hm, okay. Let's see [strokes his chin] Oh, my parents don't know, but sometimes I get picked on by this one kid at school; his name is Eric Cartman, and he always tries to play jokes on me and stuff.
Cartman: Oh, really?
Butters: Yeah. One time he made me think a meteor had hit the earth, and convinced me to stay down in a bomb shelter for three days.
Cartman: Heh. Wow, that sucks.
Butters: Yeah. And then this other time, he pretended to be me on the phone to my dad and called him a pussy, so my dad came home and beat me.
Cartman: Wow. Sounds like this Cartman kid is pretty smart.
Butters: No, he's not smart! He's just an asshole. And he's never gonna play a trick on me ever again! [hops off and walks towards his desk.]
Cartman: Really? You think so? Well, guess what, Butters. I have a surprise for you.
Butters: Yeah, and he's never gonna get me again! 'Cause what Cartman doesn't know is that I know one of his secrets!
Cartman: What?
Butters: When Cartman is playing all alone in his backyard, he likes to dress up like Britney Spears and pretend he's her! He sings and dances around with a life-sized cutout of Justin Timberlake.
Cartman: You saw that?
Butters: Yeah! And I videotaped him doing it!
Cartman: Nuh uh.
Butters: I've got the whole thing on tape! Even him making out with the Justin Timberlake cutout!
Cartman: No way.
Butters: Yeah! And if Cartman ever messes with me again, I'm gonna show that video to everybody! Then I'll have my revenge, boy howdy!
Cartman: [beat] ...Um, where is this videotape, Butters?
Butters: Huh? Oh, I dunno. It's around here somewhere. Hey! So what do you wanna do now, AWESOM-O?
Cartman: Uh, Butters, maybe you should give AWESOM-O the videotape?
Butters: How come?
Cartman: Well, because... AWESOM-O can, like, back it up for you, and make copies and stuff. I am AWESOM-O.
Butters: Oh, that's all right, AWESOM-O. Come on! I have a lot of things to teach you. [leaves the room]
Cartman: [moments later, still on the bed] Oh, son of a bitch!
Scene Description: Montage. Butters tosses a basketball with Cartman on the front lawn. Cartman, as AWESOM-O, can't catch it.
Butters: Hey there have you heard about my robot friend?
Scene Description: They're walking along in a meadow. Butters is telling him a story.
Butters: He's metal and small and doesn't judge me at all. He's a cyber, wired bundle of joy.
Scene Description: Butters has AWESOM-O take shots at a basketball hoop. The shot is good and Butters is pleased.
Butters: My robot friend.
Scene Description: Stan, Kyle and Kenny observe nearby from behind a bush. They're dismayed at what they see. Stan pinches his nose and shuts his eyes in frustration, then walks off. Kyle and Kenny follow.
Butters: I like to dip and daddle with my robot friend.
Scene Description: Butters jumps in a puddle, then has AWESOM-O do the same. Butters giggles.
Butters: He's smart as can be and emotion-free
Scene Description: Butters washes dishes while AWESOM-O dries them, then they go see "The Prince and Me." They exit, with Butters skipping beside AWESOM-O.
Butters: And he's computed his way to my heart. My robot friend.
Scene Description: At a restaurant two burgers reach Butters' table. He gets one, he motions to the waiter that AWESOM-O doesn't need the other one. The waiter looks confused, then walks away with the other burger.
Butters: My robot friend.
Scene Description: Butters has AWESOM-O pull him along in a red wagon.
Butters: My robot friend.
Scene Description: They walk into a sunset together.
Butters: My robot... friend.
Scene Description: Butters' house, living room. His dad reads the newspaper, his mom arrives with coffee and cookies and sets them down on the coffee table.
Linda: Oohhh, that's so cute. Did you see Butters and his friend Eric playing Robot?
Stephen: [tosses the paper onto the couch arm as Linda serves him coffee] Yes. Those boys are quite imaginative. Leave it to them to find a fun way to do the dishes. [takes his cup]
Butters: [leading Cartman to the stairs] That's great AWESOM-O! [Cartman carries a pile of clothes] You can carry all my laundry in one trip!
Linda: Ah, Butters, it's getting late. You should be getting ready for bed soon.
Butters: Okay Mom. Well, come on, AWESOM-O. Bedtime.
Linda: Oh, is your little robot friend staying the night?
Butters: Well of course he is. He's my robot, ain't he?
Linda: That's okay with your mom, Mr. Robot?
Cartman: AWESOM-O does not have a mom.
Butters: Yeah! Don't you know nothin' about robots? Come on, AWESOM-O! You can put my laundry away! [Cartman follows Butters upstairs]
Linda: Aw, that's just adorable.
Stephen: It's good to see Butters finally have a friend that wants to stay over.
Scene Description: The Stotch bathroom. Butters is brushing his teeth, AWESOM-O stands next to him.
Butters: I love to brush my teeth! In the mornin' and at night! To keep 'em white and healthy, I got to brush them all the time!
Cartman: [under his breath] Grrr. Jesus Christ I can't go on like this. [normal. Butters opens up the medicine cabinet] Butters, remember when you said you had a video of Eric Cartman dressed like Britney Spears?
Butters: Oh. Yeah.
Cartman: I would like to see what he looks like so I can beat him up for you. May I see the video?
Butters: [turns around carrying a box of suppositories] Awww, you don't need to do that, AWESOM-O. Hey, I gotta put in my suppository. [takes one out and puts the box on the cabinet] Can you help me?
Cartman: What?
Butters: Remember I said I put that medicinal suppository in my anus? It'll be so much easier havin' you do it from now on.
Cartman: Um. Actually, AWESOM-O was not programmed for that function.
Butters: [hops down from the stool] Haw, it's real easy. I'll show you. You just take this little thingy out of the plastic... paper, and I'll, I'll pull down my pants ...and just slide it up in my anus there.
Cartman: ...No way.
Butters: AWESOM-O, I though you were programmed to do whatever I tell you.
Cartman: Weak! [turns right and faces Butters' ass.]
Butters: Ye- yeah, that, that's pretty good. Get it up there good and deep.
Cartman: Lame!
Scene Description: Butters' house, moments later.
Butters: All right AWESOM-O, time for us to get some sleep. [POV changes from outside to bedroom overhead] Hey, you want me to teach you some bedtime songs? If you leave me now, you'll take away the biggest part of me. Ooo-oo-oooo-oo-oo...
Cartman: AWESOM-O must rest! His CPU system overloading.
Butters: Oh, o-o-all right AWESOM-O. Let's get us some shut-eye, [turns off the light] or what, or whatever robots have.
Scene Description: Butters closes his eyes and drifts off to sleep. He turns to his left and places a hand on AWESOM-O.
Scene Description: Morning. A cock crows. Butters wakes up, but AWESOM-O isn't in bed with him. He looks around and sees his room is a mess. His drawers are out of the dressers and his clothes are strewn all over the place. One of his clothing rods has been knocked down and his closet doors are open. AWESOM-O is shown at Butters' desk looking through more stuff.
Cartman: Where is it? Where is it?!
Butters: AWESOM-O?!
Cartman: Wah!
Butters: AWESOM-O, what the Sam Heck are you doing?
Cartman: Um, ah AWESOM-O is reorganizing your stuff for you.
Butters: Aw Jeez, Jeez Louise! My mom is gonna be awful sore when she sees this mess! Now AWESOM-O, that is a bad robot! You can't do no chores for me unless I tell you to do them! You got it?!
Cartman: AWESOM-O understands.
Butters: Now I'm gonna have to give ya a spankin', AWESOM-O, so that you'll learn better!
Scene Description: Three spankings follow, but as they are done against the robot frame, they are ineffective.
Butters: Just know, AWESOM-O, that I did it because I love you. Okay, come on, let's go make some breakfast.
Cartman: Goddamnit, I have to find that videotape!
Scene Description: Butters' house, downstairs. Butters is drawing a picture at the coffee table.
Butters: Look at that, AWESOM-O! I drew a picture of us playing in a field together. [Butters and AWESOM-O are walking in a field] Ah I'll be right back. I'm gonna get some Sunny Delight. [walks off]
Cartman: I would like some Sunny Delight too.
Butters: [tickled] Don't be silly, AWESOM-O. Robots don't need to drink nothin'. [tickled, turns away] Uh, heehee. [the doorbell rings] Whoa. Uh, go answer the door, AWESOM-O.
Cartman: [turns] AWESOM-O will answers the door. [walks towards the door as Butters leaves and opens it. He sees Stan, Kyle, and Kenny]
Kyle: What the hell are you doing, fatass?
Stan: Dude, are you still pretending to be a robot?
Cartman: [normal voice] Shh! [lifts up the helmet part of the outfit] I just need to uh make Butters think I'm a robot for a little while longer.
Kyle: Why?
Cartman: Because I need to, all right?! I've got something planned that's uh gonna be really sweet. Just play along, okay?
Kyle: Why?
Cartman: Kyle, Goddamnit, will you just do-?
Butters: [appears behind Cartman holding his glass of Sunny Delight] Who's at the door, AWESOM-O?
Scene Description: Cartman turns around, then adjusts his helmet.
Cartman: [monotone] Three boys named Stan, Kyle, and Kenny.
Butters: Ah, hey fellas! Ah, I see you met my robot.
Stan: Uh yeah, Butters, he's real cool.
Butters: Hey he sure is! We do everything together. Why last night we even had a slumber party. [Stan, Kyle, and Kenny quickly look to Cartman]
Cartman: Weak.
Butters: He can do anything I command him to. He's real smart. Watch this: Hey AWESOM-O, will you go get my friends some Sunny Delight?
Cartman: Yes, of course. [begins to walk towards the kitchen]
Kyle: Oh wait. Hey AWESOM-O, [Cartman stops] I'd also like some celery sticks chopped up two inches long, with peanut butter and raisins on top.
Cartman: Suck my balls, Kyle. [resumes his walk]
Butters: [cheerfully] He's made in Japan!
Scene Description: The dining room. Stephen holds a cup of coffee and listens as Linda talks to Liane.
Linda: Yes, it has just been a delight having your son over, Mrs. Cartman. He and Butters are really getting along great.
Liane: Oh, I'm so glad to hear it, Mrs. Stotch. Eric has been having some emotional problems lately.
Linda: Well, the reason I'm calling is that Butters is supposed to go see his Aunt Nellie in Los Angeles this weekend. The boys are getting along so well, that we were thinking of inviting Eric to go along.
Liane: Oh, well, I'm not sure. Actually, Eric is still supposed to be grounded for trying to exterminate the Jews two weeks ago.
Linda: [Stephen takes a sip] Excuse me, I didn't catch that.
Liane: Oh, but I suppose it would be good for him. Yes, of course he can go. I'll bring some of clothes over.
Linda: Oh, wonderful! The boys will be so excited.
Scene Description: The kitchen. AWESOM-O rummages around under the sink.
Cartman: Maybe he put that videotape in here somewhere.
Butters: [enters] AWESOM-O, what are you doing? My friends are waiting for their beverages. Chop chop! [Cartman moves to the refrigerator, Stephen and Linda enter]
Linda: Hey guys, great news! It's been arranged, you two are both going to Los Angeles to visit Butters' Aunt Nellie!
Butters: [overjoyed] Oh boy! My robot gets to come with me to see Aunt Nellie?!
Cartman: What?
Butters: Oh boy, [shakes Cartman's hand] AWESOM-O! We're gonna have the best time ever! [hugs the "robot"]
Cartman: Lame.
Scene Description: Los Angeles, day. The Hollywood sign appears in the background.
Scene Description: Aunt Nellie's house.
Uncle Budd: Hey Nellie, guess what I found scrampin' around the airport. [Butters enters in a suit]
Butters: Hi Aunt Nellie! [runs up to her and they hug each other]
Aunt Nellie: There's my little nephew! How was your flight? [they let go of each other]
Butters: It was long. We had a three-hour delay... departin' Denver, but we're here!
Aunt Nellie: Didn't ya bring any bags?
Butters: Well, sure, but my robot is bringin' them in.
Aunt Nellie: Your robot?
Uncle Budd: Butters' new friend is a little strange. He, he really takes playing Robot seriously.
Scene Description: Cartman walks in mechanically with all the luggage.
Butters: There he is! AWESOM-O, this is my Aunt Nellie. [Cartman drops the suitcases]
Aunt Nellie: Hello! It's nice to have you here.
Cartman: AWESOM-O must dispense oil waste. Where is the nearest toilet, please?
Aunt Nellie: Oh oh, right through there, Mr. Robot.
Cartman: Thank you. [walks in the direction Aunt Nellie points to]
Uncle Budd: I don't think he took the costume off the entire trip.
Aunt Nellie: Well, did you wanna get right to sight-seeing, or are you guys hungry after such a long flight.
Butters: Nah, I ate on the plane. And AWESOM-O is a robot, so he don't need to eat.
Aunt Nellie: Right...
Scene Description: Aunt Nellie's restroom. Cartman runs in frantically and takes off the helmet. His hair is matted against his head and he gasps for air. He runs up to the sink and reaches... for the toothpaste. He squeezes the tube and sucks out the contents hungrily.
Butters: [knocks on the door] AWESOM-O?
Cartman: Aw- Aw- AWESOM-O is coming. [finishes off the tube, hops down, and tosses the tube aside]
Butters: Come on, AWESOM-O! We're gonna go sightseein'!
Cartman: Argh! [heads out.]
Scene Description: Montage. Hollywood Boulevard, facing the Chinese Theater. The Passion is playing there. Butters takes a picture of AWESOM-O next to the cemented hand- and footprints of the stars. Next, he and AWESOM-O ride down a log in an amusement park. Next, he and AWESOM-O are in a plane ride together. Next, AWESOM-O rubs some suntan lotion on Butters' back. Next, he and AWESOM-O take part in a Galaxy Studios Tour ride. A shark pops up and roars menacingly at the riders. Next, Catamount Pictures is shown.
Butters: I'm hangin' out in LA with my robot friend We're havin' such fun in the hot hot sun We're two of a kind- That's me! And my robot friend. My robot friend. My robot friend.
Scene Description: Catamount Pictures. Butters and Cartman walk around. Cartman carries the bags.
Butters: Can you believe we're at a real live movie studio, AWESOM-O? Aren't we havin' the best time?!
Cartman: Butters, wouldn't you like to have some time away from AWESOM-O? We could meet up later, perhaps?
Butters: Hey, look over there, AWESOM-O. The film studio commissary. [Le Catamount Bistró] That's where all them rich movie producers who come up with uh, Hollywood blockbusters have their lunch. Neat-o, huh? [moves off]
Scene Description: Le Catamount Bistró, Two producers talk.
Producer: [as the other producer eats] Damnit, Mitch. How come our movie studio can't come up with any winners? I mean, we're smart, right?
Mitch: [the bald producer] We're really smart.
Producer: We need an idea for a movie that's a home run. A feel-good romp for the whole family. [notices something and points] Hey, what's that over there? [Mitch looks over his shoulder. The camera looks at Butters and AWESOM-O attracting a crowd]
Woman: Wow, that's a really neat little robot you have there, little boy.
Millie: What's he do?
Butters: Well, he can do anything. Watch this: Hey, AWESOM-O, who's gonna win the Super Bowl next year?
Cartman: The New Orleans Saints. [everyone around them laughs, and the producers approach]
Boy: Hey, Mr. Robot, how much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
Cartman: Seventeen. [everyone laughs again]
Producer: Mitch, are you thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?
Mitch: [strokes his chin] Yeah. Maybe that robot can be programmed to come up with movie ideas! [smiles]
Producer: [looks at him intently] Exactly! [smiles]
Scene Description: Catamount Pictures boardroom. The producer introduces Butters and AWESOM-O to his staff.
Producer: Gentlemen, this little boy was kind enough to let us show you his robot. The AWESOM-O 4000. [approaches the robot, who's seated at one end of the table] I've already seen what it can do.
Staffer 1: Uh, excuse me sir, but uh, that's not a robot.
Producer: It's not?
Staffer 1: No, it clearly had bipedal movement, so the correct term is "computerized automatron."
Mitch: Oh, very nice, Mitch.
Staffer 2: You are the smart one.
Producer: Well, regardless, I believe maybe this automatron can help us come up with new movie ideas.
Staffer 2: How can a robot come up with better ideas for movies than us?
Producer: Watch this: AWESOM-O, given the current trends of the movie-going public can you come up with an idea for a movie that will break a hundred million box office?
Cartman: Um... okay. How about this: [the staffers take pen to paper and anticipate the ideas] Adam Sandler is like, in love with some girl, but then it turns out that the girl is actually a... golden retriever, or something.
Staffer 2: [thinking over this idea, then write it down] Oh, perfect!
Staffer 3: We'll call it "Puppy Love"!
Staffer 2: Give us another movie idea, AWESOM-O!
Mitch: Yeah, yeah!
Staffer 3: Let's hear it!
Mitch: Yeah, we wanna hear it!
Staffer 3: Come on, come on!
Cartman: Okay, how about this: Adam Sandler... inherits like, a billion dollars, but first, he has to, like, become a... boxer, or something.
Staffer 3: [the producers start writing again]... Yes, it's flawless!
Mitch: Punch-Drunk Billionaire!
Scene Description: Aunt Nellie's house, guest room. Butters is at the desk counting up all the movie he and AWESOM-O got for Cartman's ideas and putting one hundred dollar bills one per envelope.
Butters: Boy, Los Angeles is great, huh AWESOM-O? Can you believe those guys paid us a hundred dollars apiece for those movie ideas?
Cartman: You should split that money with AWESOM-O. After all, they were AWESOM-O's ideas.
Butters: Hahaa, right! What are you gonna do with money, AWESOM-O? Buy some robot pants? Haha, no! We got each other and that's all we need, AWESOM-O. I'm gonna send this money to needy kids in third-world countries.
Cartman: [growing desperate, walks around] Haaaa! Haaaa!
Butters: [concerned] You, you okay AWESOM-O?
Cartman: AWESOM-O needs to rest! Feeling faint.
Butters: Well you go ahead and relax, AWESOM-O. We've got another full day of pitching movies tomorrow.
Scene Description: Washington DC, the Pentagon.
Scene Description: The Pentagon, a boardroom. A general addresses his peers.
General: Gentlemen, Ladies, we all know that we live in a time of uncertainty. The risk of an attack on American soil is higher than ever. Now, I believe we may be able to curb that risk. Two days ago our intelligence department came across this.
Scene Description: He turns around and faces a wall of TV screens. His peers turn to look. He then turns the screens on. Images of AWESOM-O, taken from various angles, pop up.
General: The AWESOM-O 4000. It is currently being used by Catamount Pictures to develop ideas for movies. Our sources say that in just one week it has come up with over one thousand movie ideas, eight hundred of which feature Adam Sandler. [the officers murmur amongst themselves]
Black official: That's incredible!
White official: You're thinking the robot could be used to come up with anti-Islamic movies?
General: No. If we got our hands on that robot, we could re-program it and turn it into a weapon!
Black official: Yes, that might be the best thing to do.
White official: Uh huh. I don't see how we have a choice.
Scientist: Hold on a second: If that robot is designed for entertainment, then, turning it into a weapon is unethical.
General: Unethical? Let me explain something to you, Mr. Scientist! We understand that the robot is from Japan! That means that the Japanese have more of them! And if the Japanese fabricates one of them into a weapon before we do...
Black official: Jesus. It would be Pearl Harbor all over again.
White official: But worse. With robots.
Scientist: I'm sorry, I must protest. We, we have no data suggesting the Japanese have developed a robot with offensive capability.
General: You're paid to think, Mr. Scientist! National security is our jub. [the scientist sits back down.] Gentlemen, we're going to Los Angeles! [zoom in] I want that robot!
Scene Description: Catamount Pictures lobby. Butters places a call.
Butters: Yeah, me and my robot are still over at the movie studio, Aunt Nellie. We're makin' all sorts of money for the poor.
Scene Description: The boardroom. Cartman is pitching more movie ideas.
Cartman: Movie idea number two thousand three hundred and five: Adam Sandler is trapped on an island and falls in love with a coconut.
Producer: Great, AWESOM-O, great. Uh guys, take a break. I need a minute alone with AWESOM-O.
Scene Description: The other men rise and leave the room, making plans for lunch on the way out. The producer approaches Cartman.
Producer: You are an incredible robot, AWESOM-O. I was just wondering... are you by chance a... pleasure model?
Cartman: ...What?
Producer: Well, have you been programmed to... satisfy... urges of humans?
Cartman: AWESOM-O does not understand.
Producer: Let me show you what I mean. [removes his tie]
Scene Description: Catamount Pictures lobby.
Butters: Well yeah, we're havin' a great time, Aunt Nellie. These movie studio guys are real nice.
Cartman: [from the boardroom] Lame!
Butters: Yeah, we're makin' a bunch more money. I can't believe it either.
Scene Description: The boardroom doors burst open and AWESOM-O runs out.
Cartman: Not cool! Totally lame! [runs to his left. Butters looks over his shoulder]
Butters: AWESOM-O? Well, I gotta go, Aunt Nellie. Ah, AWESOM-O is havin' some kind of malfunction. [hangs up and goes after AWESOM-O.] AWESOM-O? Hey, where'd ya go?
Scene Description: Butters looks left, then right, then goes to the right, exiting the scene. Moments later the producer shows up at the doorway with his pants down.
Cartman: Waaaaa!
Scene Description: A cattle prod appears and shocks him until he falls over. A dolly then appears and two soldiers quickly put Cartman on it and haul him off.
Soldier: Let's go! Move, move!
Butters: [appears around the corner] AWESOM-O? [notices the soldiers] Hey, what are you doin' with him?!
Scene Description: The soldiers exit some side doors and toss him into the back of a waiting van. Butters exits the side door.
Butters: That's my robot! [the soldiers get into the van and drive off] AWESOM-OOOOOOOO!!!
Scene Description: A military base near Los Angeles. In a warehouse, AWESOM-O, shackled onto a platform, is raised from a horizontal position to vertical. Two soldiers approach on either side of Cartman and tighten the locks on him.
General: Are those arm and leg locks secure?
Soldier: Secure, sir!
General: Good. I don't want that robot mobile until I know what it's capable of. All right, power it on. [the scientist turns a drill on and approaches AWESOM-O]
Cartman: Whoa, whoa, wha- whoa, whoa!
Scientist: [steps back surprised] What the hell?
General: What's going on?
Scientist: [in disbelief] It... powered itself back on.
General: [whispers to a soldier to his left] Stand by. Be ready to destroy it.
Scene Description: The soldier cocks his semiautomatic and aims at Cartman.
Cartman: Where the hell am I?! Hey, why can't I move?!
Scientist: Are your systems stable? Run a systems check on your CPU.
Cartman: The fuck are you talkin' about, dude?!
Scientist: Ah, I'm sorry, robot, [in a low voice, almost a whisper] they want me to reprogram you.
Cartman: I'm not a robot, dumbass! I'm alive!
Scientist: What did you say?
Cartman: I said I'm a real person, asswipe!
Scientist: [stunned] ...Oh my God. [turns around and approaches the military]
General: What's happening?
Scientist: The robot... It thinks it's alive. It's developed consciousness.
General: What? How can that be?
Scientist: Must be a malfunction of its exographical IMS or the... interlaced BV system.
General: Speak in a language we can understand, Mr. Scientist!
Scientist: Your robot doesn't know it's a robot!
Cartman: Goddamnit, get me down from here! [the military approaches him]
General: Who made you, robot?
Cartman: [enunciating] I'm not a robot, I'm a human!
White official: [the military turns around] Jesus, the scientist was right.
General: But, who would have programmed it to think it was human? The movie studio?
Cartman: Look, retards! My name is Eric Cartman! I live with my mom in South Park, Colorado!
General: [faces Cartman] Dear Christ, they gave it memories, too.
Scientist: Sure, why not? Program the memories of some eight-year-old boy who doesn't exist, and make the robot think he's real! Makes for a lot better movies! I'm not reprogramming a robot that's developed consciousness!
General: Do I have to remind you of your position?! Don't forget you have a duty to your country, [draws out the next few syllables] Mr. Scientist!! I want that robot's memories and consciousness E-RASED, so we can take it back to Washington! GOT IT?! [the military leaves him to his work.]
Scientist: Damn you all to hell!
Scene Description: Los Angeles. Butters walks down a sidewalk alone with his head down.
Butters: [voiceover, sadly] Hey there, did you know I had a robot friend? We used to laugh and play, but someone took him away. He was my ten gigahertz old pal. My robot friend.
Butters: [realizing something] Hey, wait a minute. [sees the van that took AWESOM-O away] Why, that's the van that- [tuns towards it] Oh my God!
Scene Description: The military base, warehouse. The scientist has positioned AWESOM-O so his head can be drilled into, and a huge drill bit begins to descend towards him.
Cartman: [fidgets frantically] Goddamnit, stop! I'm real! I'm real!
Soldier: It'll all be over soon, robot!
Scene Description: The scientist scratches his head, then decides to take action. He takes out a vice wrench and smacks the soldier with it, knocking him out. He turns off the drill, tosses the wrench aside and goes to AWESOM-O.
Scientist: Hang on! I'm getting you out of here, robot!
Cartman: Aw, it's about freaking time, jackass!
Scene Description: The General and his men return, Cartman gets off the platform.
General: What the hell are you doing?!
Scientist: [turns around] Well I- I'm saving a conscious being! If you wanna kill it, you'll have to go through me!
General: Fine. Kill that son of a bitch!
Cartman: No! Look, Goddamnit! Now I can show you stupid assholes who I really am! [raises his helmet enough to show his eyes]
Butters: [enters] AWESOM-O!
Scene Description: The helmet quickly goes down and Cartman becomes a robot again.
Cartman: I am the AWESOM-O 4000.
Scene Description: The soldier fires one shot into the scientist, and the scientist goes down.
Butters: No! [runs up to Cartman] No, please! [hugs him] Don't kill him! He's my best friend! He's my best friend in the whole world!
Scene Description: Butters begins to sob. The military is amazed by this display of affection from a boy towards his robot.
Scientist: [still alive, looks up] There. You see? You want to tell me this isn't humanity? Who's to judge what makes something human anyway?! [pulls out his stomach] Does this make me human?! [pulls out his lung] Or this?! [pulls out his intestines] Or these?! [falls over dead]
General: [approaches AWESOM-O] Perhaps... there is consciousness in this robot. Maybe we as a society need to realize that artificial intelligence... is intelligence all the same, and we can learn from the robots. I think maybe one day we can all- [Cartman farts, Butters steps back surprised] Hey, wait a minute, did, did that robot just fart?
Butters: Hey, robots don't fart!
Cartman: Uh... now ending fart sequence.
General: Oh, and it, it smells, too!
Cartman: Smell sequence initiated.
Black official: A robot with smelly farts? That doesn't make any sense.
Butters: Hang on a second, here!
Scene Description: Butters reaches for AWESOM-O's helmet and removes it. The military is taken aback at what they see..
Scene Description: A portable screen is put up inside a room and the videotape of Cartman acting strange in his backyard is being shown. The sound of laughing kids is heard. On the tape, Cartman is dancing around like Britney Spears.
Cartman: [rapping] Would you like to touch my body? Come on and touch my body! Oooo, my hot body! Don't you like my hot body? Come on and touch my titties! I've got such nice round titties! Come on Justin, touch my body! [begins dancing with a life-size cutout of Justin Timberlake] Mmm, Justin, yeah! Touch my body! You and me! Check it out, my nice hot body! Come on, my body!
Scene Description: As the video plays, shots are shown of: the fourth graders and the kindergartners, more fourth graders and older students (including Stan, Kyle, and Kenny), Chef, Principal Victoria, Mr. Garrison, other teachers, Butters enjoying himself immensely, the Catamount Pictures producers, the military, then of a fuming Cartman having to suffer it all as everyone laughs.
General: Wow, kid, you're a little faggot!
Cartman: Lame...


Scene Description: The neighborhood. Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny ride down the street on their big wheels.
Stan: [stops and looks at a house] Hey, check it out, dude. Somebody bought the Donovan's old house. [the other boys stop and look.]
Kyle: Yeah, I think they already moved in. I saw moving vans in their driveway two days ago.
Cartman: I hope they're not Austrians. That's the last thing this town needs. [a door is heard opening]
Kyle: [points] Hey Look!
Scene Description: A young kid wearing an ornate face mask is seen peeking out the front door.
Blanket: Hello!
Scene Description: The boys get off their bikes and approach the kid.
Kyle: Hey. Do you live here?
Blanket: Yeah, I just moved here with my dad. Are you gonna be my new friends?
Cartman: No.
Blanket: I really like your town. My dad wanted to move somewhere to get away from it all. He said he wanted peace and quiet, and to live with a bunch of hicks who don't know anything.
Scene Description: Stan and Kyle look at each other a bit puzzled.
Stan: What's that you're wearing?
Blanket: It's my mask. My daddy says it's best for me to hide my face. My name's Blanket.
Cartman: Your name is Blanket... Right. Well Blanket, I'm Howdy Doody, and these are my friends, Timsy, Winky, and Nod. Unfortunately, we have to be off to the Land of Booger Trees, so we'll be leaving now.
Scene Description: The boys turn back to get back on to their bikes.
Blanket: Wait! Don't you guys wanna come inside and play?
Cartman: Huh? Look dude, we're in the fourth grade, okay? You know what that means? It means we don't hang out with a little kid. Come on guys, let's get back to our Big Wheels. [they turn away.]
Blanket: We have arcade games inside.
Scene Description: Kyle and Cartman whip around. Moments later, the boys are in the house.'
Scene Description: The Jeffersons' house inside.
Blanket: Dad?
Stan: Whoa. Dude, no way!
Cartman: Oh my God, this is awesome! [runs up to a claw machine]
Stan: Dude, are these all your toys?
Blanket: No, this is all my dad's stuff. He loves toys and video games.
Kyle: Dude, he just be loaded! What does he do?
Blanket: He's retired now.
Cartman: [guiding the machine's arm to grab a plush toy] Oh my God, dude! Your dad must be the coolest guy in the world!
Blanket: Come on, my dad's probably out in the backyard. [guides the other three boys out]
Scene Description: The backyard. The sliding door opens up to a small park, a Neverland, with a giraffe, small Ferris wheel, small carousel, and other things. The boys step through the doorway.
Cartman: Oh, kick ass! Dude, why isn't my house like this?!
Blanket: Dad? You out here?
Michael: Here I am, Blanket!
Scene Description: Blanket's dad, a spitting image of Michael Jackson, rides into view on a small train and waves. Every few seconds his moustache falls off and he has to put it back in place. He hops off the train and dances around
Michael: Heeee!
Scene Description: He twirls, does a pelvic thrust while daintily touching his crotch.
Michael: Jeh chabee durtah!
Scene Description: He pulls up his pant legs a bit, kicks his right leg up, then whips his right arm out to full length. His moustache falls off and he resets it, then runs up to Blanket and picks him up
Michael: Blanket! Oh my beautiful Blanket!
Kyle: [softly] What's wrong with his face?
Stan: [softly] Be cool, dude. I, I think maybe he's a burn victim or something.
Blanket: Guys, this is my dad. Michael Ja-
Michael: Jefferson! Michael ...Jefferson, yeh. Hey, you wanna play with me?
Scene Description: He runs into the yard.
Michael: Come on, let's climb the tree! [turns to a tree and scales it] Come on, climb the tree, climb the tree!
Scene Description: Michael motions for the boys to join him. They oblige and join him up there.
Michael: Have you been up my... Wishing Tree? Tuh! It's where I come to think and dream. And now I'd like to show you my... Wishing Tree. Jam on! Where we can laugh and giggle and scream. Hee hee! Imagination is the key.
Kyle: Mr. Jefferson, your son can't get up.
Michael: Won't you imagine along with me?
Kyle: Mr. Jefferson?
Scene Description: On the ground, Blanket can't even reach the bottom rung of the ladder.
Michael: We can be spacemen, or pirates on the sea Chuckajamonah! Yes we can do everything, and I mean, everything! Chuckajamonah! Up in my Wishing Tree! Hee hee! Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh!
Scene Description: Stark's Pond, day. A group of kids skate around lazily on its frozen surface. Stan and friends race over a rise towards the lake.
Stan: Hey, you guys! You guys! [the kids gather around] You gotta come with us over to the Jeffersons!
Red: The Jeffersons?
Cartman: [breathless] They're a new family that just moved to South Park! We met this kid named Blanket and he has the coolest dad in the world! [his chest heaves noticeably]
Kyle: Mr. Jefferson said we can invite all the kids in town to go play over at their house.
Cartman: They have like, video games and rides and a cotton-candy machine, oh, and, and in their back yard, guess what they have in their back yard?! Guess. A train.
Craig: [in a monotone voice] No way.
Cartman: Yeah way, Craig! And if you don't believe in Mr. Jefferson, then you can just not come!
Craig: [not wanting to be left out] I believe in Mr. Jefferson!
Scene Description: The Jefferson house, arcade room. As the kids enjoy the toys and games found there, Jefferson swings above them on a spacious swing with Bebe on his lap.
Michael: Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeee, look at us on the swing! We're swinging!
Blanket: Who wants the first cotton candy?
Scene Description: The kids around him begin to clamor for it.
Kids: Memememememememememe
Scene Description: Blanket hands the first cotton-candy to Kyle.
Michael: Mememe! I'm first! I'm first!
Scene Description: Blanket steps away a bit astonished, but soon all the kids have cotton candy.
Michael: Oooo, let's go ride the choo-choo train!
Cartman: Choo-choo train! Yay!
Scene Description: The kids begin to move towards the back yard. Blanket is left on the floor trying to stand and catch up to them.
Scene Description: The Jefferson back yard. The kids follow Jefferson to the train.
Michael: Let's ride the train! The train!
Scene Description: The kids climb on and the train begins to roll.
Michael: Would you like to ride the train with me, and start a magical journey?
Cartman: Yes I would, Mr. Jefferson. You're so awesome, Mr. Jefferson.
Michael: Cartman, you have a beautiful voice.
Cartman: Thank you Mr. Jefferson. So do you.
Michael: Let's ride and ride on the train together
Cartman: ...Train together
Michael: On a journey through both of our minds.
Cartman: I've got time. Do youuu??
Scene Description: Back near the sliding door, Stan, Kyle and Kenny look on. Blanket stands next to them and Kyle notices Blanket's left leg.
Kyle: Dude, what happened to your knee?
Blanket: [his skinned knee is shown] I fell down.
Kyle: [calls out] Mr. Jefferson!
Michael: [back on the train] Choo-choo train, it's all fun and games.
Cartman: Choo-choo train.
Kyle: Mr- ! Goddammit. Here, come on. We need to clean that up. [takes Blanket inside]
Scene Description: The bathroom. Kyle sits Blanket on the toilet and dresses the wound.
Kyle: Alright, this is gonna sting for a second.
Scene Description: Kyle dabs some alcohol onto a towel and presses the towel onto Blanket's knee, wiping off some dirt, then dabs some more alcohol onto the towel.
Blanket: Ow!
Kyle: I know, I know. Be cool.
Blanket: Thank you. That already feels better.
Scene Description: Kyle wipes Blanket's knee some more, then dabs some more alcohol onto the towel.
Kyle: So, dude, do you have any brothers or sisters?
Blanket: I have a half-brother and a half-sister. But they live with their mom now.
Scene Description: Kyle wipes Blanket's knee some more, then dabs some more alcohol onto the towel.
Kyle: And where is your mom?
Blanket: I don't have a mom.
Kyle: You must have a mom.
Scene Description: Kyle wipes Blanket's knee some more, then dabs some more alcohol onto the towel.
Kyle: You mean she doesn't live here, or she's dead, or what?
Blanket: No. I was made in a laboratory.
Kyle: What?
Blanket: My daddy wanted to have a baby, so he put me in a test tube. Then, they put me in a woman's tummy, and, when I was born, Daddy took me home.
Kyle: So you never met your mom?
Blanket: No... But I used to have a lot of bodyguards and nannies, if that counts.
Kyle: Yeah. Yeah, that counts.
Scene Description: The neighborhood, some time later. The boys are walking home. Kyle seems concerned.
Cartman: Oh man, that was great! You guys know what Mr. Jefferson said? He said I'm his best friend, and I can go over to his house whenever I want! I'm supposed to go right back over there after dinner tonight!
Kyle: You guys, I feel kinda bad for that kid.
Cartman: You feel bad for him?! He has everything a kid could want!
Kyle: Mr. Jefferson just seems like he wants to be a kid, not have one.
Cartman: Oh, you know what?! This makes perfect sense! A guy moves into South Park with a FERRIS wheel in his back yard, and KYLE has to see a problem with it! [faces Kyle down] Mr. Jefferson is the best thing that's happened to this town in a long time, and if you miss this up, so help me god, I will rip your balls off with my bare hands! With my bare hands, Goddamn you! [turns and walks away angrily]
Scene Description: Stan's house, afternoon. Stan enters the kitchen through the back door. Randy is at the breakfast nook reading a paper, Sharon puts a coffee pot onto the counter.
Randy: Well, there he is. Where have you been all afternoon.
Stan: I was over at the new neighbors, the Jeffersons.
Sharon: Oh, are they nice people?
Stan: Yeah. It's just a dad and his son.
Sharon: Well, we're supposed to have the Broflovskis and the Stotches over for dinner tonight. Maybe I'll invite Mr. Jefferson too.
Scene Description: Stan's house, evening. The Marshes and their guests are seated at table for dinner. On the left are seated Sheila, Stephen, and Linda. On the right are seated Gerald, Mr. Jefferson, Sharon, and Randy is at the head of the table.
Gerald: So, Mr. Jefferson, did I hear you say you moved here from Kentucky?
Michael: Kentucky, yeah.
Randy: I heard people saying you all were from Illinois.
Michael: No, the- they're ignorant. That's ignorant.
Stephen: What kind of work do you do, Mr. Jefferson?
Michael: Oh I'm retired now, but, I was in... pharmaceuticals
Sheila: Well our boys have really taken a liking to you. You seem to really have a way with them.
Michael: I just id- identify so much with children. Their innocence, their beauty. I think that God is in the face of every child.
Randy: ...Yeeeah.
Sharon: ...They are fun. [glances back, away from the table] Boys, you okay out there?
Scene Description: The living room. Stan, Kyle, and Blanket are seated on the sofa, eating.
Stan: Fine, Mom.
Blanket: Wow, these are great. What are they called again?
Kyle: They're TV dinners. Don't you wanna take that veil off so you can eat?
Blanket: Nah, I'm not supposed to. Dad says I have to keep my face hidden.
Scene Description: The doorbell rings. Stan goes to answer the front door and sees Cartman.
Cartman: What the hell is going on?! Are you having Mr. Jefferson over for dinner?!
Stan: No, my parents are.
Cartman: You guys better not be trying to Bogart my friend away!
Stan: What?
Cartman: He is my friend, got it?! I was friends with him before you assholes were, [Stan steps back...] and I-
Scene Description: He closes the door. Stan walks away and Cartman looks through a window.
Cartman: Stan! Stan, I'm seriously! You'd better not be talking bad about me in there to Mr. Jefferson!
Scene Description: The dining table.
Gerald: Hey, you know Kobe Bryant was up in Eagle today.
Randy: Oh yeah? What do you think, Mr. Jefferson? Do you think Kobe's guilty or innocent?
Michael: [taken aback] D'huh?
Stephen: I think he's definitely going to jail. I just love seeing smug celebrities get their comeuppance.
Michael: I think it's wrong what the police do to wealthy black men.
Gerald: Oh come on, Mr. Jefferson, you're not one of those who think that the police go around framing rich black people just because they're jealous?
Michael: Yeah! Because their hearts are full of greed and they have... doo-doo in their souls.
Scene Description: Park County Police Station. Inside Harris waits for a fax to finish printing. As another officer walks by with a cup of coffee, he takes a sheet from the machine.
Harris: Hey Sergeant, take a look at this.
Yates: [disregards the sheet] Whatcha got?
Harris: Looks like a new family has just moved into South Park. One Mr. Jefferson, age 50, bought a house there and paid cash. He seems to have a lot of money.
Yates: So, what's the problem?
Harris: Take a look. Says here... [the sergeant takes the sheet and reviews it] He's black.
Yates: By God, so he is. Black and rich. Time to take this Mr. Jefferson down, just like we did Kobe.
Scene Description: He hands the sheet and the cup of coffee to the officer and address the department.
Yates: Let's go people!
Scene Description: Yates turns, takes his coat from the coat rack and puts it on
Yates: We've got another rich black guy. I want him humiliated and dragged through the dirt, and I want it done by the books!
Scene Description: Stan's house, night. Stan is asleep in his room when someone pounds at his window. Stan wakes up, then goes to the window.
Stan: [looks out] Kyle?
Scene Description: Stan opens the window. Michael, dressed as Peter Pan, crawls up and in.
Michael: Hey, Stan, whatcha doin'? [dances a little]
Stan: Mr. Jefferson Awww! [hops off the bed] It's 1:30 in the morning!
Michael: Look at me, I'm Peter Pan.
Scene Description: Michael draws his small sword and swings it. His mustache falls off.
Michael: T-shamon! I'm a little boy forever.
Scene Description: Michale raises himself up on his tippy-toes.
Michael: Hey!
Stan: Mr. Jefferson, I have to go to school tomorrow!
Cartman: Oh, son of a bitch! I knew it! What the hell are you doing, Stan?! I'll tell you what you're doing! You're trying to steal MY best friend!
Stan: He just showed up here.
Cartman: Remember, Mr. Jefferson? You said we were best friends. [a knock is heard at Stan's door]
Stan: Jesus Christ!
Scene Description: Stan goes to the door and finds Kyle and Blanket in the hallway.
Kyle: Dude, look who I found prowling around in my back yard.
Blanket: [wearing his veil] Hi, Stan.
Kyle: He was out all alone in the middle of the night. Mr. Jefferson isn't even home.
Stan: I know. He's here.
Kyle: What?!
Michael: Oh Kyle, Blanket, yay, it's a slumber party!
Stan: No! Mr. Jefferson, you need to take your son home.
Michael: We can't go home. There's a ghost in our house. Me and Blanket are scared.
Blanket: Dad says it wants to eat us.
Michael: Please don't make us go back home. Please! We're scared, we're scared!
Blanket: We're scared!
Mr. Jefferson: Hee hee!
Stan: Okay, fine, we'll all stay here, but we're going to sleep now!
Kyle: Come on, Blanket.
Scene Description: Kyle takes Blanket to bed. Stan follows them and all three slide into place.
Michael: Now let's all sleep and dream Heehee! of fun and adventurous things shamonah! It's time for us all to say goodnight
Cartman: Deeper.
Scene Description: Cartman turns to Mr. Jefferson and hugs him. Stan rolls his eyes and looks at Cartman again, then closes his eyes and begins to dream...
Cartman: Mr. Jefferson, I wish I could be around you all the time. You're awesome.
Michael: I think you're awesome too, Cartman.
Scene Description: They get closer and closer to each other.
Cartman: Yeah?
Michael: Yeah.
Cartman: Yeah?
Michael: Yeah.
Cartman: Yeah?
Scene Description: They're about to kiss, and Stan wakes up startled.
Stan: Ahaa!
Scene Description: Stan looks over to his right and sees them both asleep.
Michael: [wakes up] What's the matter, Stan? Did you have a bad dream?
Stan: Yeah. A really bad dream.
Scene Description: Stan shuts his eyes and sinks down into his bed.
Stan: Oh Jesus!
Scene Description: The Jefferson house. An unmarked police car, blue in color, waits across the street. Harris sips on a soda.
Yates: [using his walkie-talkie] Murphy, you inside?
Murphy: [walking through the arcade room] We're inside, sir. Harris was right. This guy looks like he has more money than all of us put together. Black sonofabitch!
Scene Description: He whips out a package of something white.
Murphy: I'm planting the cocaine now.
Scene Description: He sets it under the toy machine Cartman was using earlier.
Yates: Johnson, what about you?
Johnson: [in a closet] Placing the blood spatter now, sir. [right on a pair of Jefferson's shoes]
Yates: Frakes?
Frakes: Placing pubic hair from the raped girl now, sir.
Yates: All right, when this Jefferson guy shows up, arrest him fast and try not to beat him. There could be neighbors with video cameras. [sighs] Why do we do it, Harris?
Harris: Sir?
Yates: Why is it that us policemen around the country have such a passion for framing wealthy African-Americans with crimes they didn't commit?
Harris: Oh, why? I guess I never thought about why, sir. We just do it.
Yates: Twenty-five years I've been on the force. I've seen every kind of sick, depraved act known to humanity and still, when I see a black man walk by who has more money than me, I... want to vomit my gizzards right in the gutter. But why? Maybe there is no reason. Maybe there's just a big blue ball out there that's mostly covered with water and we're just goin' along for the ride.
Scene Description: Stan's house, morning. Someone knocks on Stan's door.
Randy: Stan, time to get up for school. [opens the door and looks in] Stan? What the-? [sees the five people in bed] Mr. Jefferson?!
Michael: [sits up quickly] Oh oh, we were just having a slumber party.
Scene Description: The boys sit up and look at Randy.
Randy: Mr. Jefferson, this is highly inappropriate!
Michael: Inappropriate? No, you're being ignorant. They're my friends. You see, I- I didn't have a childhood, so I'm really just a child myself.
Scene Description: He takes out some bills from a back pocket and approaches Randy and Sharon
Michael: Here, everything's okay. I want you each to have a hundred dollars. [gives each of them 100 dollar bills]
Randy: Wow, I'm gonna go buy that new sport coat I've been wanting. [leaves, and Sharon watches him go]
Michael: Come on, Blanket. We have to go home and feed the animals. Bye, friends. [quickly leaves with Blanket in tow]
Sharon: Boys, I do not want you going over to Mr. Jefferson's anymore. Do you understand?
Stan: You don't have to tell us twice, Mom. That guy's a freak!
Cartman: Not go to Mr. Jefferson's anymore? Well, excuse my French, Mrs. Marsh, but you can suck my fat, hairy balls! [Stan, Kyle, and Sharon are shocked]
Scene Description: The stakeout at Jefferson house, day. The two officers are snoring, but Yates is roused by the sound of a voice.
Michael: Come on, Blanket!
Yates: Hey Har- Har- Harris! Harris!
Harris: [walks] Wha- wha- what?
Yates: It's Jefferson! He's back! [gets on his communicator] All right, people. Let's give Blacky a nice welcome home.
Scene Description: He and Harris whip out firearms and aim. Mr. Jefferson opens the front door and goes back to the front lawn to retrieve his wooden sword.
Yates: Whoa, wait a minute! [withdraws his gun] That guy isn't black!
Scene Description: Blanket heads down the steps, and Mr. Jefferson takes him inside.
Yates: Holy God, his son isn't black either! Oh Jesus! [gets on his communicator] This is Yates! Stand down! I repeat, stand down! Suspect is not black!
Scene Description: Yates scolds Harris.
Yates: You son of a bitch, you told my this guy was African-American!
Harris: It says right here on the final sheet he is!
Yates: [shoves Harris's face against the windshield] Does that look like a black guy to you?!
Harris: It said on the final sheet!
Yates: [throws a fit] Jesus Christ Monkeyballs! We could have made an innocent man go to jail who wasn't black! Oh!
Scene Description: He grabs his own neck, then quickly opens his door and vomits onto the street.
Yates: Wuuugh! Wuugh! Ohaugh. Ugh.
Scene Description: Yates wipes his lips clean with the back of his hand and now looks exhausted.
Yates: Jesus, Harris. What are we becoming? We're supposed to... protect the people. Where have we lost our way?
Harris: Sir, it's possible that he is black, even though he doesn't look it.
Yates: [whips around and says menacingly] To hell with you! I'm never gonna frame an innocent man again! Unless I know he's black for sure!
Scene Description: Inside the house, Mr. Jefferson closes all the windows and curtains.
Michael: All the adults are trying to get us. Get up to your room, Blanket, and put your mask on! We can't go outside anymore!
Scene Description: Moments later, Blanket is in his room looking outside. Across the street, Stan, Kyle, and Kenny walk by. Kyle looks up and notices Blanket looking bored..
Kyle: [stops] That poor kid.
Stan: Dude, come on. We're not supposed to go over there.
Scene Description: Kyle crosses the street anyway and Kenny shrugs. Stan and Kenny follow/
Blanket: [opens his windows as they approach] Hi guys!
Kyle: Hey Blanket. Uh, look, we're goin' over to help my dad chop wood. You... wanna come with?
Blanket: Really? You mean it?
Michael: [interrupts, clapping] Oh yay, my friends are here! Come inside and play, guys!
Stan: Ah, actually, Mr. Jefferson, we were seeing if Blanket wanted to chop wood with us.
Michael: Chop wood? No, that's ignorant. That's poopie work. Blanket and me wanna play!
Stan: Mr. Jefferson, uh, it might be good for Blanket to learn how to chop wood.
Michael: Blanket likes to play, don't you Blanket? [picks him up and moves him around through the open window] Wee, look! He can fly!
Kyle: [the boys fear for Blanket's life] Jesus Christ, dude!
Blanket: Aaaaaah! [Mr. Jefferson dangles him around by his left foot]
Stan: Stop, you fucking lunatic! [Mr. Jefferson's moustache falls off and down to the ground, he pulls Blanket back inside and closes the window]
Kyle: Dude, we have got to get that kid away from him!
Scene Description: Blanket's room. He's crying on a giant plush teddy bear. Mr. Jefferson tries to soothe him.
Michael: No, Blanket, shhhh. Stop crying. It's okay, Blanket. Here, look.
Scene Description: Michael spins around and does a pelvic thrust.
Michael: Jeekabee durtah! [a kick and outstretched arm] Ow!
Scene Description: Blanket returns to crying into his teddy bear, Mr. Jefferson goes to soothe him again.
Michael: There, Blanket, shhhh. [tries to distract Blanket] Hey, hey look, hey look.
Scene Description: Michael touches Blanket's nose and has his thumb pop out between index and middle finger.
Michael: I got your nose. [does it again.] Look! Lookit, I got your nose. I got your nose, Blanket. See?
Scene Description: Does it again, and Blanket is quiet. He then smiles and grabs at his father's nose, giggling... and finds it in his hand.
Blanket: Aaaaaaaah! [throws it away and runs out of his bedroom]
Michael: No, Blanket, stop!
Scene Description: picks up his nose, puts it back in place, and pursues Blanket.
Michael: It's ignorant. You're being ignorant!
Scene Description: Yates' house, later. He enters. A woman appears moments later.
Maggie: Harrison, why haven't you called? You know how I worry.
Yates: I'm givin' up, Maggie. I'm quitting the force.
Scene Description: Yatesremoves his jacket, and places it on a coat rack, then walks to a desk.
Maggie: Quitting the force? You?
Yates: None of it makes sense anymore. [sits down and unloads his frustrations] I don't even know if what we're doing is right. The last thirteen hours we've been working on a case, trying to get a real scumbag off the streets. And when he walked up to the door, I could have sworn he was white. Maybe I can't tell the difference anymore. Maybe it doesn't matter. Because it seems like every time we frame a rich black guy, he's back out on the streets in no time. It's just like OJ. Do you know how hard those cops worked to frame him? The tireless hours they put in?! And then he just gets off because somebody messed up and said the N word out loud too many times. I guess I'm just tired. I'm just damn tired.
Maggie: [approaches and consoles him] Not another word of that kind of talk, Harrison Yates. [he looks up at her] Believe me I would love nothin' more than to have you quit the force and no longer have to worry about whether or not you're comin' home. But I know you. Framin' rich black men for crimes they didn't commit is in your blood. Wiping that rich, smug smile off their faces is the only thing that puts a smile on yours. You're a good cop, Harrison Yates. You don't have to question that. Because I'm here to tell you. [she caresses him, he kisses her hand]
Yates: And you're a good wife, Maggie. You know me better than I know myself. [abruptly rises and goes to the coat rack]
Maggie: Where're you goin'?
Yates: Think I've got a little more work to do. [puts on his coat and heads outside]
Scene Description: The Jefferson house, night. Cartman walks up to the door and knocks.
Cartman: Mr. Jefferson? It's your best friend in the whole wide world, Eric Cartman. Mr. Jefferson? I came to sleep over tonight, remember?
Scene Description: Mr. Jefferson room. He's on the phone with someone.
Michael: No, Dr. Nelson, I'm telling you, you have to fly out here right now! My nose came off again!
Scene Description: Michael tosses his nose away, puts more lipstick on his lips.
Michael: I know you live in California; I'll pay for your plane ticket!
Scene Description: Michael pulls at his hair, and some of it comes off.
Michael: But I'm falling apart! I need some more of that cream and the injections! I have to look young again!
Scene Description: Michael picks up a stylus and pokes his lips, which pop and let fly some collagen. The skin on his lower jaw drops down and reveals some teeth.
Michael: Oh, I'm melting!
Scene Description: The Jefferson house, outside. A ladder is propped up against the side of the house. Kyle, Stan, and another boy approach. The boy wears the same mask Blanket usually does.
Kyle: All right. Thanks a lot for helping us, dude.
Kenny: Yeah, sure, whatever.
Stan: You just gotta pretend you're Blanket until we can get the real Blanket somewhere safe.
Kenny: Aren't I too big to be Blanket?
Kyle: [seething as he climbs the ladder] I don't think Mr. Jefferson pays enough attention to his son to notice. Come on! [Stan and Kenny follow]
Scene Description: Blanket's bedroom. Blanket silently cries and the door creaks open.
Stan: Blanket, you in here?
Blanket: [excited] Hi guys!
Scene Description: Stan, Kyle, and Kenny spread out and hop onto Blanket's bed.
Kyle: Shh, Blanket, we're gonna take you away for a little while, okay? [Kenny looks around]
Blanket: You are? Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you!
Scene Description: Kyle whisks Blanket away, Stan motions Kenny into place.
Stan: All right dude, get in his bed.
Kenny: [gets under the covers] All right, but you guys owe me for this.
Stan: Dude, whatever. At least you finally get to do something. [hops off and leaves]
Scene Description: Santa Barbara Police Department, Snetzl's desk. His phone rings and he picks it up.
Snetzl: Santa Barbara Police Department, this is Snetzl.
Scene Description: Park County Police Department, Yates' desk.
Yates: Hello, this is Sergeant Yates over at the Park County Police Department in Colorado.
Snetzl: Yes, sergeant. What can I do for you?
Yates: Well, we've been trying to frame this guy who just moved into our town, and the fil-o-fax says he moved from your area. One Martin Jefferson?
Snetzl: Hm. No, we never had any rich African-Americans named Jefferson here. If we had, we would have framed him ourselves.
Yates: Well, he doesn't really look that black.
Snetzl: Yeah, I don't, uh... Hold on a second. There was one we framed a couple of times, but the black bastard was so rich he made bail and disappeared before the trial.
Yates: You say he disappeared? What did you frame him for?
Snetzl: We, uhhh, found some kids that had stayed over at his place, and we asked them to lie and make up some false molestation charges.
Yates: Molestation, nice.
Snetzl: Yeah, it was a lot of work. Took years, but we were finally able to arrest him. Then we planted some evidence, took embarrassing photos of his penis, and threw him in a dirty prison cell with feces on the walls. You should have seen him squirm!
Yates: That's damn fine police work, sergeant. Damn fine.
Snetzl: Heh, yeah, but the point is this guy didn't really look black either. We had to sneak in while he was asleep and get a DNA sample to be sure.
Yates: [rises from his chair. Other officers draw near] Jesus Christ Monkeyballs! It must be the same guy!
Scene Description: The Jefferson house. Cartman knocks on the front door again.
Cartman: Mr. Jefferson, hello?!
Scene Description: The bathroom. Stan, Kyle, and Blanket prepare a carry-on bag.
Kyle: Come on, Blanket! We gotta go before your dad sees us.
Scene Description: They turn towards the window next to the tub and head to it. Michael appears behind them.
Michael: What are you doing with my Blanket?
Scene Description: The boys freeze. Kyle turns around and sees a disjointed, disheveled Jefferson in a Thriller outfit. The camera does a vertigo effect. Michael walks up to the boys.
Michael: Come on, Blanket, play with me. Jeechabee durtah! Hee! [an outstretched arm]
Stan, Kyle, Blanket: Haaaaa!
Stan: Go, go, ruuun! [the boys run out of the bathroom]
Mr. Jefferson: [whispers as he walks] Sutah!
Scene Description: The Hallway. The boys run towards the stairs.
Stan, Kyle, Blanket: Haaaaa!
Michael: [rounds a corner onto the hallway] Wuchatennah! Jamonah! Heehee!
Stan: [The boys enter Blanket's room] Oh Jesus!
Kenny: What the hell is going on, you guys?
Michael: [enters and heads for Blanket's bed] My Blanket! Let's play, Blanket! [pulls Kenny out of the bed]
Kenny: Nonono wait, I'm not Blanket!
Michael: [tossing Kenny up into the air] Wee, he can fly! He can fly!
Kenny: Aaaah! Aaaah, stop! A-
Scene Description: Kenny's head goes through the ceiling and blood runs down his body. It begins to drip from his feet.
Stan: Oh my God, he killed Kenny!
Kyle: You bastard!
Scene Description: Michael turns around and sees the boys.
Michael: Blanket? Blanket! Come play! [slowly approaches the boys]
Blanket: Nooo! [Stan turns to leave]
Kyle: [grabs Blanket's hand and leaves as well] Come on!
Scene Description: The Jefferson house, front lawn. Kyle opens the front door and the boys exit.
Stan: Run, Blanket, Run!
Blanket: [stumbles] Ah!
Michael: [exits] Dainduh! Dainduh Dainduh!
Kyle: [Kyle and Stan help Blanket up] Hang on, Blanket!
Scene Description: The three run off and a floodlight turns on, blinding Michael.
Mr. Jefferson: [shielding his eyes] Dugh! Heehee! Ja-!
Yates: [through his bullhorn] Freeze, Jefferson! The gig is up! You are wanted for child mo-les-tation!
Cartman: [hops to Mr. Jefferson's defense, standing in front of him] No! I am sick and tired of people harassing Mr. Jefferson! [a crowd, including the boys' parents, gathers] All I've been hearing since Mr. Jefferson moved here are sick lies! That he molests children, that he's a bad father, that he has plastic surgery!
Michael: It's ignorant.
Scene Description: His lower jaw literally drops to the ground. He bends down, picks it up, and pops it back in place.
Cartman: Sure, maybe Mr. Jefferson's a little different. But that's because he had to work all the time when he was young and missed out on his childhood. What's wrong with wanting to have the innocence and beauty of a child?
Kyle: [returns with Blanket] All right, let's just say all the bad things said about Mr. Jefferson are lies! Let's say the police department does just go around spending their time framing people for crimes they didn't commit! Let's say it's all made up, and Mr. Jefferson is just a nice guy who's trying to be a child because he never got to have a childhood. Well that's fine, except for that he HAS children now! And when people have children, they have to grow up!
Michael: [closeup for a few seconds] You're right. I've been so obsessed with my childhood that I've forgotten about his. I thought having lots of rides and toys was enough, but... Blanket doesn't need a playmate. He needs a father, and a normal life. Chickuckoo gainuh. [genuflects behind Blanket] Blanket, I wanna give away all my money. I- I wanna get a normal job and... take a shot at raising you in a normal setting.
Scene Description: Blanket removes the ornate mask, and Blanket blinks while shielding his eyes. Blanket moves over to his friends.
Blanket: Look everybody! I'm a normal little boy.
Yates: [approaches with Harris] Well, if you're gonna give away all your money, then, I guess we can drop all those charges. No point in putting another poor black man in jail.
Kyle: All right! Things just might work out!
Michael: Things can always work out, as long as we know we have the power to change.
Scene Description: Music begins to play as the neighbors and officers gather around him.
Michael: We all have the power to change if we search inside our hearts And we start to heal the wounds of all our yesterdays And you know it might be hard, but all you've got to do is start, And you can change all of your evil molesting ways. Jejabee durtah! Hee-hee! OOOOH! Jejabee durtah! Hee-hee! Jamonah! butcha-tamonah! Chich-cha!