Scene Description: A pond in a meadow. A hummingbird flits from flower to flower, then flies off as the camera zooms out to reveal the four boys there. Stan is fishing on one rock, Kenny is resting on another reading a magazine, Kyle stands near the water's edge, Cartman is sitting behind him on a third rock.
Cartman: Isn't this great, you guys? Gettin' away from it all, leaving all our cares behind?
Stan: Yeah, and they said the weather's gonna be nice like this all day.
Kyle: This... is exactly what I needed.
Kenny: (Meee toooo.) [a second later and the roar of motorcycles is heard, making the boys jump up startled. They look around]
Stan: Aww! Not those guys again! [the boys leave the pond and head over to the source of the noise - a group of bikers idling at at intersection for no other reason than to revel in the sound of their own bikes' motors]
Cartman: God damn it, why is it every time we try to have a relaxing day a bunch of assholes on their Harley motorcycles show up?! [the bikers just cheer each other on, but the motors drown them out]
Stan: God! Shut up!
Cartman: Piss off, you stupid assholes! [the bikers ride off]
Scene Description: A restaurant. The Marshes and the Broflovskis are dining al fresco.
Randy: Isn't this great food?
Gerald: You're so right about this place. It's wonderful.
Randy: You know what's really interesting is that- [the bikers roar in and stop at a crosswalk at one end of the restaurant, which is called Café Monet, and rev their motors. After a few seconds they ride away] ...what's really interesting is that this place has a new owner, and they-
Scene Description: An outdoor wedding. Father Maxi presides.
Father Maxi: On this gorgeous day we bring these two together for the most important ta- [the bikers roar in and slow down. The guests and the bride glare at the bikers as they roll slowly by]
Lead Biker: Everybody's checking us out.
Biker 2: Yeah, they think we're pretty cool.
Scene Description: A diner. People go about their conversations. Among them, the bikers.
Lead Biker: Hooo! We were definitely turnin' some heads out there.
Biker 3: Yeah!
Biker 2: I was pullin' back on that throttle, and everybody was like, "What is that?"
Biker 4: Fer sure!
Biker 3: Yeah.
Biker 5: Hey- hey, nobody here is really paying attention to us.
Lead Biker: That's weird. [clears his throat and starts imitating a motorcycle engine. The other bikers follow suit, and a few of the patrons look at them] Oh yeah, that's better.
Scene Description: The diner's men's room. A biker approaches a urinal, unzips, and gets to work. He looks left, then he looks right, then he clears his throat and revs up with his voice until the patron at right looks at him. He turns to his left and does the same to the patron at left. That patron looks at him. Once he's sure both men are looking at him, he faces forward and finishes urinating.
Scene Description: The diner, outside. Its name is Ronny's Diner. The bikers stream out of there and get on their bikes.
Lead Biker: All right let's head out. [the others agree and begin to rev their voices as they board their bikes.]
Cartman: [walking into view] Excuse me. Excuse me! Hey assholes! [the bikers quiet down, turn off their motors, and look at him] You guys know that everyone thinks you're total fags, right?
Lead Biker: ...What did you say?
Cartman: You know, when people like you drive down the street with your unnecessarily loud motorcycles thinking you're all cool. Everyone is actually laughing at you and calling you pathetic faggots. You do realize this, right?
Biker 6: ...Hey man, we roll how we roll, and if people are annoyed or intimidated by it, that's too bad for them!
Biker 2: Yeah! [the bikers rev their voices again]
Cartman: No no, no, nobody is intimidated, actually. Everyone realizes that people who are so needy for attention they need to dress up and be as loud as possible are you guys and sixteen-year-old girls! Just wanted to let you know, you're fuckin' fags. [proceeds to walk past the line of bikes]
Biker 7: Thah- that little boy just called us fags.
Biker 2: Like he didn't think we were cool.
Biker 6: But he's wrong. People don't think we're fags, do they?
Lead Biker: 'Course he's wrong! And anyway, nobody except that little freak would ever say something like it to our faces!
Other Bikers: Yeah! Let's ride! [they rev up their voices and their motors] Let's go! Rev 'em up! [they ride off]
Scene Description: Kyle's house, Ike's room, day. Ike is playing with a toy xylophone when the bikers go down his street. He puts the xylophone sticks to his ears to block out the noise, but that doesn't work. He goes to his window, lifts it up and yells.
Ike: Fags! [then closes his window]
Biker 2: Did that kid just call us-?
Lead Biker: Ju-just ignore him! [as they ride, a car pulls up in front of them. Two kids in the back seat turn and make gestures to them. One of the boys makes a sign, then turns it around. Both kids hold it up. It says "FAGS." One of them mouths the word and the boys laugh.] God damn it, this is fucked up!
Biker 8: What's wrong with kids today? [revs his voice a little]
Scene Description: The desert. The lead biker is pretty bummed at the treatment the bikers have been getting.
Biker 4: It doesn't make any sense. They all called us fags.
Biker 6: How can they call us fags? I mean, listen to this? [revs his motor up]
Lead Biker: I know, I know! Look, guys, I think I know what the problem is here.
Biker 3: Really? You do?
Biker 9: Whatwhat?
Lead Biker: Yeah, think about it, guys. You see all the things kids have today? I mean, with their Xboxes and surround-sound entertainment systems, kids today are surrounded by big loud stuff all the time!
Biker 10: Hey, that's right.
Lead Biker: That's all it is, guys. We just need to get a little louder, that's all. [revs up his voice and his bike, and the others follow suit.]
Scene Description: The neighborhood park. The boys are playing basketball.
Kyle: Broflovski looks for Kenny to get clear for the pass.
Cartman: But Cartman isn't letting up on him. [the bikers roll by and the boys stop playing]
Kyle: Oh, what the hell?! [the bikers roll by with a variety of musical instruments, a siren, and a rooster attached to their bikes, all of them making noise.]
Biker 6: Chicken spears! Chicken spears! Chicken spears! ...Chicken spears! Chicken spears!
Stan: God damn it God damn it!
Lead Biker: Oh yeah, now we're turnin' some heads! [blows into one of the two horns on his handlebars]
Biker 2: Let's see 'em call us fags now!
Scene Description: Stan's house, later. The boys present in the living room are the four boys, Token, Jimmy, Clyde, and Butters.
Stan: All right, thanks for coming, everyone. As you all know, the Harley problem seems to be getting worse, and nobody is willing to do anything about it.
Kyle: Yes.
Cartman: Agreed.
Jimmy: I have had it with those loud, annoying, f-f-f f-faggots.
Stan: Now, we have some ideas, and we'd love to hear your ideas, and I think together we can- [the bikers roll by on Stan's street, then Stan sighs when they're gone] ...and I think that together we can come up with a way to get rid of these fags once and for all.
Kyle: Sounds good.
Jimmy: Okay good, yeah.
Cartman: Ni-nice, okay.
Butters: What are you guys talkin' about? Harleys are neato!
Cartman: What?
Butters: I always thought, someday when I grow up I'm gonna get a Harley. Then people will have to notice me, and they'll have to deal with my shit for once. The open road! The wind on my face! I'll go from city to city! Rowrrowrroowwrr! Everyone lookin' at me! "Who's that guy? He must be a Hoo- he must be tough!" Vromvrom, vromvrom, vrooom! I'll have my girl on the back seat holdin' on to my fat belly - sure she's missin' a few teeth, but she thinks I'm coool. That's why, when I grow up, I'm gonna be a Harley rider!
Stan: ...That makes perfect sense, Butters.
Butters: It does?
Stan: Yes, now get out of here.
Butters: Okay. [walks out]
Stan: Alright, Kyle and I are gonna spray paint messages to the Harley riders; Cartman, you said you had an idea?
Cartman: I think what I'm gonna do is uh, find out wherever their bikes are and uh, crap on their seats.
Stan: [taking notes] Oh that's good.
Cartman: [taking notes] Yeah, I think that'll be nice.
Stan: But that's a lot of seats? How are you going to pull that off?
Cartman: I think I just need uh two, maybe three buckets of KFC, extra crispy, probably ...four cartons of gravy.
Stan: Clyde, can you take care of getting KFC for Cartman? Kyle and I will get the spray paint cans. If we do this right, we'll be doing the town a huge favor, so let's get to it!
All: Yeah!
Scene Description: Ronny's diner, next morning. The bikers stream out of there and to their bikes.
Lead Biker: Now that was a good breakfast.
Biker 6: I'm full. [the bikers all rev their voices again and stand by their bikes...]
Lead Biker: [sniffs] You guys smell that? Smells like that new famous bowl at KFC.
Biker 6: Ohh, OHHH! SOMEBODY TOOK A SHIT ON MY FUCKIN' HARLEY!!!
Biker 3: What?
Biker 2: Awwww, me too! I got shit all over my pants now! [another biker throws up on his Harley]
Biker 7: There's little flags stuck in the shit!
Lead Biker: [picks the flag off his Harley and reads it] "You're fags."
Biker 11: You've gotta be kidding me!
Lead Biker: Come on, we'll find the bastards who did this! [the bikers wipe the crap off their bikes, rev their voices and their bikes, hop on, and ride off. They stop at an intersection and look up at a billboard. It's a Harley-Davidson billboard, and on it is spray-painted "FAGS GET OUT." They cross the intersection and continue down the road, stopping again when three buildings next to each other have the same message spray-painted on them.]
Biker 12: This can't be happening. [they continue riding]
Scene Description: An alley. The boys reflect on their work.
Stan: Really nice work, guys.
Kyle: Yeah. I think maybe everything is gonna be okay now.
Scene Description: A sidewalk nearby. Big Gay Al and Mr. Slave walk down the sidewalk hand in hand.
Big Gay Al: And so I said to the guy, "you really think I'm paying that much?"
Mr. Slave: Heheh, oh Jesus Christ. [both men stop and gasp at what they see: the same three buildings the bikers just passed, and the message spray-painted on it] Oh my God.
Big Gay Al: I thought we were past this.
Scene Description: South Park Elementary School gym. The mayor and city officials as well as Principal Victoria and Counselor Mackey address the student body.
Mayor McDaniels: Students, I am here because of a very serious matter. This morning it was discovered that in several places all over town, somebody had spray-painted the words, "Fags get out." Many witnesses reported seeing children with spray paint. Now, if anybody knows anything about the kids who did this, you must come forward-
Cartman: That was us!
Mayor McDaniels: ...'Scuse me?
Stan: Yeah, we did that!
Kyle, Kenny: Yeah!
Mayor McDaniels: ...Why would you write something like that and be proud of it?!
Kyle: W-well, 'cause we want all of those fags to get out of our town.
Cartman: Yeah, everyone hates those fags, right?
Other Kids: Yeah, uh huh, I do, yep. [the students begin to murmur]
Mr. Mackey: Now just what the heck is going on here?! This is not what we have taught you in this school! Kyle and Stan, you've always been tolerant of gay people!
Stan: Gay people?
Kyle: We aren't talking about gay people.
Mr. Mackey: You just admitted to spray-painting that they should get out of town!
Stan: Dude, why would we want gay people to get out of town?
Cartman: Oh, they think we meant gay fags.
Kyle: Oh. Hey, that's not very nice, Mayor. Just because a person is gay doesn't mean he's a fag.
Mayor McDaniels: What?! You four boys, in my office, NOW!
Stan: Aw crap!
Scene Description: South Park Public Library, day. A row of motorcycles is at the front door.
Lead Biker: Faggot, often shortened to fag, has been used in the English language since the late sixteenth century. Its original meaning was "an old or unpleasant woman".
Biker 2: That certainly don't apply to us.
Lead Biker: Faggot later was defined as a bundle of sticks. And in the nineteenth century, a faggot gatherer was someone who made a meager living gathering firewood.
Biker 6: Well they certainly ain't calling us fags 'cause we gather sticks; there's got to be more! [begins revving his voice. The other bikers begin revving theirs, and the librarian shushes them. The bikers tone down their revving.]
Biker 2: What's that part say there?
Lead Biker: Later, the term "fag" was defined as any awkward bundle to be carried, and was often used as an insult to the elderly, as in calling them "baggage".
Biker 2: Fag was used as an insult to women, then poor people, then old people?
Lead Biker: In the early 1900s the word became a pe-jo-ra-tive term against homosexuals and transgender people in the United States.
Biker 10: Well that word just keeps changing its meaning. What's it got to do with us? [begins revving his voice. The other bikers begin revving theirs, and the librarian shushes them again. The bikers tone down their revving.]
Scene Description: A courtroom. A panel of judges is interrogating the four boys.
Judge 1: We are really trying to understand this. How is it that you boys think referring to gay people as fags in today's world is acceptable?
Kyle: [exasperated] Because we're not referring to gay people! You can be gay and not be a fag.
Stan: Yeah, a lot of fags aren't gay.
Judge 2: I happen to be gay, boys. Do you think I'm a fag?
Stan: Do you ride a big loud Harley and go up and down the streets, ruining everyone's nice time?
Judge 2: No.
Stan: Then you're not a fag.
Judge 1: So what if a guy is gay and rides a Harley?
Cartman: Then he's a gay fag. I mean, is this really this hard?
Stan: I don't know.
Kenny: (This is fucking ridiculous.)
Stan: All right, look, you're driving in your car, okay? And you're waiting to make a left at a traffic signal. The light turns yellow, should be your turn to go, but the traffic coming at you just keeps coming. And even when the light turns red, a guy in a BMW runs the red light so you can't make your left turn. What goes through your mind?
Judge 3: "Fag."
Stan: Right. But you're not thinkin' "Oh, he's a homosexual," you're thinkin' "Oh, he's an inconsiderate douchebag like a Harley rider."
Judge 1: This, this is, making insanely good sense to me.
Judge 4: Alright, how about this: What would you call a straight man who doesn't own a Harley, but likes them and might buy one someday?
Cartman: You call them "bike-curious".
Judge 1: "Bike-cu-"
Stan: "Bike-curious"! Don't you people keep up with today's lingo at all?!
Kenny: [puts his head in his hands out of frustration] (Jesus fucking Christ!)
Scene Description: The South Park Community Center, evening. Big Gay Al is holding a meeting there.
Big Gay Al: Fellow homosexuals, I believe we have an opportunity here to take a big step forward for our kind. We must acknowledge that the words "fag" and "faggot" are never going to disappear. They're simply too much fun for everyone to say. But we must realize that we are no longer the most hated people on the planet, and help the children change the meaning of the word to describe those annoying loud faggot Harley riders!
Mr. Slave: [clapping] Hear hear!
Big Gay Al: We should all be tolerant, but not with these fucking people! They really are faggots!
Mr. Slave: Yes Jesus yes!
Scene Description: Channel Four News.
Announcer: This is Channel 4 Evening News.
News Anchor: A new movement in South Park is bringing to question the word "fag". Gay groups are pointing out that the word no longer means to kids today what it meant just a few years ago.
Field Reporter: And what is your name, little boy?
Martin: Martin.
Field Reporter: Alright Martin, can you do me a favor? Could you point to the "fag" for me? [shows him a poster with two pictures on it - one of a biker, the other of of a man dressed in women's swimwear. The boy is unsure what to do] Just point to which one is the fag. [Martin finally steps up and points to the biker. The next clip is of the reporter asking a baby] All right now could you just point to the fag for me, little girl? Which one is a faggot? [holds up another poster with two different pictures on it - one of a biker, another of Liberace. The baby starts to lean to one side, and her mom moves her in that direction until the baby points to the biker.]
News Anchor: [shown are the Mayor and her aides, and Big Gay Al and Mr. Slave] Sparked by this realization and persuaded by a gay advocate group, the Mayor signed a new city ordinance today making the word "fag" officially refer to annoying inconsiderate Harley riders. [next she's shown in front of City Hall with an aide and the four boys]
Field Reporter: [interviewing the bikers] How do you fags feel about the new city ordinance?
Lead Biker: What did you say?
Field Reporter: Just asking you if you feel okay or displeased about the ordinance, fag.
Lead Biker: Hey you know what? If you call me fag in my face one more time, you'd better-
Field Reporter: I already did it twice.
Lead Biker: Well I think that- I think that you uh, you probably won't say it again.
Field Reporter: I bet I do.
Lead Biker: Well okay, I-
Field Reporter: Fag. [the lead biker throws a punch, knocking the reporter down and cutting off the video feed]
News Anchor: [Randy is shown watering his lawn] As more people in South Park adapt to the new meaning... [the bikers roll down Randy's street. He turns to see them]
Randy: Fags! [turns back to water his lawn. The bikers look at him and move on. Next, Father Maxi is shown holding a sign in front of his church: "GOD HATES FAGS" as the bikers pass by]
News Anchor: ...more and more Harley riders are deciding to ride elsewhere.
Scene Description: The neighborhood park. The boys are playing basketball again. Kenny takes a shot.
Cartman: Oh yeah, nice, Kenny. [Kenny gets the ball and throws it to Stan, who dribbles it a bit and gets ready to shoot]
Stan: Isn't this awesome, you guys? I haven't seen a Harley for like three days.
Kyle: I know. It's like we have the outdoors back again.
Mayor McDaniels: [runs up to the boys] You four turd balls in my office NOW!
Stan: Aw crap! [drops the basketball]
Scene Description: City Hall, the Mayor's office, day.
Mayor McDaniels: You have got me in a lot of trouble! [turns on the TV]
Another Mayor: The fact of the matter is that "fag" is still defined in the dictionary as a pejorative term against homosexuals, and so you are still causing harm to gay people everywhere whether you mean it differently or not! The town of South Park and its mayor have once again shown themselves to be completely out of touch with the progressive world!
Mayor McDaniels: She's gaining support all over the country. I should have never listened to you!
Kyle: We're sorry, Mayor.
Mayor McDaniels: Oh, that's nice! You made our entire town look like gay-bashing redneck homophobes, but at least you're sorry!
Stan: We can fix this!
Mayor McDaniels: HOW?!
Stan: That, that lady said it's because fag still means homosexual in the dictionary. So we just have to convince the dictionary people to change the definition.
Cartman: Hey, hey yeah. Then people would be free to call Harley riders fags all over the country.
Scene Description: The desert, day. The bikers are gathered there again revving their voices and their motorcycles.
Lead Biker: Now I don't know about you, but I think this town is starting a trend. And if we let them officially change the meaning of "fag" from gay people to us, then soon every town might. [the bikers rev up their voices and bikes] If we don't do anything, we can end up trying to fight e- [one biker continues to rev up his voice and bike] If we don't do anything, we c-... Hey Bartlett. Bartlett! [stands in front of him] I'm trying to talk, you fag! [Bartlett is stunned, as are the other bikers] Aw, see? Now they got us doin' it to ourselves! We gotta put a stop to this now! [the bikers rev up their voices and bikes] We're going to ride into that town and kick some fuckin' ass! [the bikers rev up their voices and bikes]
Scene Description: City Hall, day. A stage has been set up. The four boys sit on the left side of the stage and the city seal takes up the center. People are taking pictures, an orchestra plays grandstand music leading into "Pomp and Circumstance". A banner over the stage reads: Welcome Dictionary Officiates.
Field Reporter: Excitement is in the air as the citizens of South Park amass to see if the word "fag" will officially be changed in the English dictionary. Four local boys will state their case to the head dictionary editor, and if they succeed, "fag" will officially refer to Harley riders nationwide.
Big Gay Al: You can do it, boys! We believe in you!
Field Reporter: And Tom, it looks as though the dictionary officials have arrived. [three officials walk up the red carpet, one of them holding the dictionary on its own pillow.] Entering the scene now are the keepers of the current dictionary and of course, the dictionary's head editor, Mr. Emmanuel Lewis. [shown in a gown following the three men]
Cartman: Emmanuel Lewis, huh?
Stan: Ohh, it all makes sense now. [the four men walk onto the right side of the stage. The crowd cheers and claps]
Emmanuel Lewis: To change... [the crowd falls silent] the definition of a word... is no trifling thing. I expect this proposal for changing the definition of the word "fag" to be both discerning and undisputable.
Big Gay Al: Come on boys, you can do it! [motorcycle engines are heard. A horde of bikers roars towards City Hall. Randy gets up and sounds the alarm]
Randy: Look out, it's a bunch of pissed-off faggots! [everyone scatters as the bikers arrive and tear everything up. One of them throws a bottle bomb at a store, breaking a window and setting it on fire. A family nearby escapes injury. Three bikers ram their motorcycles into the stage]
Stan: There's fags everywhere!
Kyle: We gotta run! [the boys leave the stage quickly. A biker throws his chain towards the stage, catching Emmanuel Lewis by the right ankle and pulling him off the stage and down the street.]
Emmanuel Lewis: WAAAH! What nefariousness is this?! Ogh! You obdurate beast! [as the town falls into chaos, the boys run into an alley, but find that it has a dead end. The bikers gather at the alley's entrance and the lead biker walks up to the boys. The other bikers get off their Harleys and follow]
Lead Biker: [stops] Well well. Now, do you think we're fags?
Stan: [backing up as far as he can] Yes. Yes, sir, you are total fags. [the other boys do as well]
Kyle: Yeah. You definitely made your point.
Biker 13: No! We rolled in, kicked ass, and took shit over! Is that what a fag does?!
Stan: Yeah yeah, that's totally what a fag does.
Lead Biker: No, you're supposed to think we're not fags now!
Stan: But then why are you acting like such fags? I don't understand.
Kyle: I don't either.
Butters: [voice only] That's because you guys never understood! [walks through the crowd of bikers and past the lead biker] You fellers never got what these people are really about! Freedom! Rebellion against the system! A living image of independence! Solid, defiant, and supremely cool, the biker is an All-American icon of resilient individuality and freedom.
Biker 14: Who is this little fag?
Butters: I'm not a fag yet, sirruh but a but I am bike-c-curious.
Biker 15: That's it, let's kill them all!
Cartman: No! That'll just make you bigger fags!
Big Gay Al: [voice only] No one is killing anyone! [a sound of guns being cocked. The bikers turn to see who's at the alley entrance - Big Gay Al and his gay support group. One group member holds a sign - "GAYS AGAINST FAGS"] We've had enough! You faggots get the hell out of our town!
Lead Biker: [seeing no choice but to accept the word] All right everyone, all right. We are fags. Yeah, we're fags. We're total fags. And you know what? We like it.
Biker 2: Yeah, we like being fags.
Lead Biker: So go ahead, America. Whenever you pass by Harley riders like us, roll down your window, and yell "Faggots!" All you kids out there, when you see us, walk up to us, and say "Hello, fags." No, really, we want you to. At least we're cool enough to embrace who we are. Right guys?
Bikers: That's right. You got it. Yeah. [more of this, followed by revving voices and motors]
Biker 6: Come on, fags, let's roll out! [the bikers ride away. Emmanuel Lewis limps back onto the stage]
Stan: ...And that, Mister Editor, is why they are the true definition of fags.
Emmanuel Lewis: Let there be no perplexity: those individuals are the legitimate faggots. The definition shall be replaced. [everyone in town, even the homosexuals, cheer this change]
Stan: We did it! Yeah!
Kyle: Yeah! We did it, you guys! [he and Stan hug]
Cartman: Oh it's over, it's finally over! [he and Kenny do a shoulder embrace. Stan walks up to the camera]
Stan: Today, we've made history.
Scene Description: Fag (făg) n. 1. An extremely annoying, inconsiderate person most commonly associated with Harley riders. 2. A person who owns or frequently rides a Harley.


Scene Description: South Park Elementary, start of the school day. The chimes play as the fourth grader class pays attention. The following is all voice-over:
Gordon Stoltski: Good morning South Park Elementary. These are the morning announcements, Parent-teacher conferences begin next Thursday. If you have not yet done so, please turn in your parents' requested time sheets by the end of fifth period today. [Kindergarten class is shown, with a female teacher] Lunch today will be a choice of chicken tostadas or spaghetti with a marninara sauce and side salad. [Fourth grade class is shown again.] Attention fourth graders: the fall registration for glee club starts tomorrow. Any interested students should fill out a- [a door is heard being kicked in] Whoa, what's going on?
Intruder: I'll killl you! [the class pays closer attention] I swear to God I'll kill you!
Gordon Stoltski: Who are you?!
Intruder: I'm the man who's gonna put a bullet between your eyes!
Gordon Stoltski: Hey! He's got a gun!
Intruder: You little bastard! You fucked my wife! You think I wouldn't find out?!
Gordon Stoltski: Sir, please, I don't know you.
Intruder: Yeah, right!
Man: All right, what the hell is going on around here? You sir need to leave this area- [two gun shots are heard and the man is heard falling with a thud]
Gordon Stoltski: Oh God, he shot him!
Intruder: Ya had to push me, didn't ya?! NOW YOU!
Gordon Stoltski: HAAAAAAAAAA! Sir, I truly don't know- [Gunshot] th-AAAAA! AAAA!
Intruder: There! How's it feel, huh?!
Gordon Stoltski: [shrieking] Please, I don't know you! Uughuh!
Intruder: You're Gordon Saltski, right?! Truck driver from Chicago?!
Gordon Stoltski: No, I'm Gordon Stoltski, third grader who reads the morning announcements!
Intruder: Yeah, right! We'll see if that's true. Go on, read the morning announcements!
Gordon Stoltski: SOMEBODY HELP ME!
Intruder: I SAID DO IT! [smack]
Gordon Stoltski: AAAAA! AAAAA! AAAAAAAAAA! AAA! Any, any interested students should fill out an applicant survey- [smack] WAA! WAAAAAAAAAA!
Intruder: I knew you were lyin'! That was terrible! Now put your mouth over the barrel of this gun!
Gordon Stoltski: No please! I'm so scared! [more softly] I'm so scared!
Intruder: DO IT!
Gordon Stoltski: [freakout] Please! I'll duh, I'll do whatever you say! Here! Here I see! Here! [his voice gets muffled] I got my mouth on the ba- [the gun goes off and Gordon falls on the floor]
Intruder: Look at you now. We're all dead. [shoots himself]
Scene Description: His memorial service in the school gymnasium, day. Mr. Mackey presides over it.
Mr. Mackey: We will always remember the way that Gordon bravely read the announcements every morning, led us in the Pledge of Allegiance, m'kay, and touched many kids' lives here at the school. And even though we now know the shooter had him confused with a forty-year-old truck driver who happened to have a similar name, I know this has been ...pretty traumatizing, m'kay. But now we must decide who will pick up where little Gordon left off. Who will take his place reading the morning announcements? It's a big responsibility, because it will be your voice the entire school listens to, m'kay? And although Gordon Stoltski can never be replaced, m'kay, there must be a student out there who has the drive and the passion to... have his or her voice heard every morning.
Cartman: Oh. My. Goodddd.
Scene Description: Mr. Mackey's office, day. A sign on the door reads "Morning Announcement Tryouts" Cartman and another kid wait on chairs next to the door.
Cartman: Soo, you're uuh, trying out to be the morning announcement person as well?
Mike: Yeah, I think it would be really fu-fu-fu-fun, and ru-ru-ru-rurrraise my self es-es-esesesteem.
Mr. Mackey: [cracks the door open and looks out] Oh, this is it, huh? Okay, uhhh Mike, why don't we have you try out first, ituh m'kay. [Mike gets off the chair and enters the office.]
Cartman: [cackles] He stutters like a bitch! I've got this job in the bag! [another boy walks up and sits in the chair to Cartman's right. Cartman notices immediately: the boy is well-dressed] Who are you?
Casey Miller: My name is Casey Miller, and I'm in the third grade. [Cartman is awed] Ever since I can remember people have told me I should read their morning announcements. My friends always said to me, "Dear Casey, your voice is like butter to our ears. Could you please find a way to get that audible chocolate on the airwaves?" Well, here I am, and hopefully I'll be the kid with the job. [Cartman is mad now and gives him a hard look]
Mr. Mackey: M'kay, really nice, Mike, uh, maybe next time you can get past the first word. Oh, Casey Miller, good, you're trying out too?
Casey: I'm tryin' out and dryin' out in the sultry summer sun that is my voice.
Mr. Mackey: M'kay. Eric, you wanna go next? [Cartman gets off his chair and walks into the office, keeping his eyes on Casey until the door closes]
Scene Description: Mr. Mackey's office, inside. Mr. Mackey and Cartman sit on two chairs opposite each other.
Mr. Mackey: M'kay Eric, I'm just gonna have you read this piece of paper.
Cartman: Mr. Mackey, what's a moronic jizzrag?
Mr. Mackey: What? What on earth are you askin' me that for?!
Cartman: Well it's just that... that's what that Casey kid said about your hairpiece? [Mr. Mackey opens his office door to yell at Casey]
Mr. Mackey: Get lost, you little dirtball!
Casey: Excuse me?
Mr. Mackey: I said take a hike!
Casey: I don't understand... what I did wrong.
Mr. Mackey: Beat it, you're not gettin' the job! [Casey gets off his chair and walks away]
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, morning. The fourth grade class is shown as the intercom comes on.
Cartman: Good morning South Park Elementary. These are the morning announcements. And I, am Eric Cartman. All forms for the school book drive must be handed in to Mr. Davis in the library by the end of the school day today. Hm, doesn't seem like they gave us a lot of notice on that, uh, 'kay. Oh well. [reads the next announcement] For lunch today, the cafeteria will be serving a selection of cold sandwiches. Cold sandwiches. Oh well, thank you so much! Remember when we used to be served hot food? I mean, what has happened to our school? This school is transforming into something very bad, and why? Because we have leadership that doesn't care! I'm talking of course about our student body president, Wendy Testaburger! [Wendy's mouth drops open] Ever since Wendy was elected student body president, this school has started a rapid decline towards some socialist regime where students no longer have a voice! The music room will be closed off today due to painting. All students in band and choir will meet in the gymnasium instead. Oh oh, so now, so now the school is using money to paint the music room. How old and outdated is our playground equipment? What other school has a fifteen-year-old merry-go-round on it? Our school president is turning this whole place into Communist Russia! [Clyde has gone to sleep, half the class is getting sleepy, Stan buries his head in his arms] It's not a coincidence that once Wendy took office this school started coming apart at the seams! Your teachers don't wanna tell you, but they are scared, and they should be, because the very fabric of this elementary school is tearing from all corners.
Butters: Oh jeez!
Cartman: But hey, I'm just a normal kid, like you, except that I ask questions. And because I'm brave enough to ask questions, I come under scrutinies. Is Wendy using your lunch money to buy heroin? Probably not, but how can we know? I don't want my lunch money going to drugs! Who's taking these drugs? What would be the point? I'm asking questions!
Kyle: Will somebody shut him up?
Scene Description: The principal's office, after the announcements. Cartman walks into the office. Mr. Mackey stands to Principal Victoria's left.
Cartman: You wanted to see me, Principal Victoria?
Principal Victoria: The job is to read what is written on the paper, Eric, not to embellish the way you do.
Cartman: Oohhhh I get it. You're trying to silence me! You're scared that somebody is standing up to this school and its president for once!
Principal Victoria: No, it's just that the announcements need to be quick so the students can get on with their work.
Cartman: Oh really?! Then how come Gordon Stoltski got to go on for like five minutes that one day?!
Mr. Mackey: Well, because he was being murdered.
Cartman: You just want somebody to read what's in front of them like a brain-washed zombie, is that it Mr. Mackey? I am not Gordon Stoltski, okay?! I'm not some dog on a leash that just blindly says what he's told, until he's killed!
Principal Victoria: All we ask is you keep it shorter.
Cartman: Oh I will! And maybe I'll also have a word with the ACLU, tell them that a student is being told not to speak out against his school! I'm sure they'll find that very interesting!
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, morning. Cartman is back at the announcement desk. He's smiling, and clears his throat. Principal Victoria, Mr. Mackey, and two school district officials look on.
Cartman: Well. Goood morning South Park Elementary. These are the morning announcements. Tryouts for the soccer team are on Friday afternoon. That is of course if our student body president does something about our abysmal soccer field. [The first or second grade class is shown] I have a question. What does Wendy Testaburger actually do? She is supposed to be the president, right? What is her agenda? She's lying to everyone? Or is she? Let's ask these questions. [next day] Today I wanna talk briefly about the state of our school's economy. The bake sale last week was a complete failure. And in the school- [next day] And besides that, who actually voted for Wendy Testaburger? I know I didn't. And everyone who did is now scratching their heads and goin' "Whoops. Guess I shouldn't have done that." [next day] I'm not in the student council, I'm just a normal kid like all of you. And like all of you, I want to know what has happened... to my school.
Scene Description: Cartman leads the school in reciting the Pledge of Allegiance.
Third Graders: I pledge allegiance to the fag -
Cartman: - of the United States of America. OUR United States, not the one Wendy Testaburger would have, a socialist dunghole -
Kindergartners: - a socialist dunghole...
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, morning. Cartman is back at the announcement desk.
Cartman: Good morning students. These are the morning announcements. If you'll direct your attention to the new video monitors at the head of your class, [The lights go down and a monitor is shown above Mr. Garrison's desk] you will see that the announcements are now being done in video.
Kyle: Oh God, no! [Cartman has made his own graphic introduction full of poses]
Cartman: Lunch today is going to be pizza. Again. [exhales forcefully] Friends, our school is dying and you know it. You feel it. You're like, you're like me; you wanna change it. But ohhh no, Wendy Testaburger's not gonna let that happen! This is not the school we grew up in, and ...and I don't know if we can get it back. [leaves his desk and walks over to a mobile blackboard] So let's take a look at exactly what our school president wants. You know, what is she trying to achieve? Let's just take a look at these Keywords here: Wendy's made it clear she wants our school to be a more Integrated Leftist and Liberal place! But you see what then happens, what we get is a Socialist, Modern, Utopian, Reformed, Farce of a School. So when you look closely it becomes very obvious what Wendy wants. K I L L S M U R F S. Our school president ...wants to kill Smurfs.
Ike: [upset to the fact] NOOO!
Cartman: I don't know if we're turning into a Smurf-hating school or what we're turning into, but unless you ask why [writes Y on the board], we're gonna transform into something.
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, school hallway, day. Wendy is at her locker when Butters approaches with a group of friends. We'll call them Melvins, after the group he formed with Dougie and Pip back in Season 3.
Butters: Hey Wendy! Wendy! Is it true?
Wendy: Is what true?
Butters: That you hate Smurfs?
Wendy: I don't have time for this.
Butters: Hey now! Me and us fellers were just asking questions!
Melvins: Yeah, that's right. We can ask. [Casey is among them]
Wendy: Try to understand this: all I do is try to help run student council. I don't give a crap about Smurfs!
Butters: [gasps and points] It is true!
Melvin 1: Oh my God!
Melvin 2: Yeah, bemememe!
Melvin 3: Oh my God!
Wendy: Maybe you guys should check into what student council actually does, before you just blindly listen to what some idiot with a microphone tells you! [storms off]
Butters: What did the Smurfs ever do to you! Ya bitch! I just called the president a bitch.
Casey: Hyeah.
Melvin 1: That was cool.
Melvin 4: Awesome.
Melvin 2: Yeah, that was cool.
Melvin 3: Yeah, great job.
Scene Description: The cafeteria entrance, day. To one side is a huge poster on the wall and a smaller sign near a desk at which sits Cartman signing copies of his new book, "What Happened To My School?"
Cartman: "Thank you" and this is to..?
Douglas: Douglas.
Cartman: [signs a copy] "To Douglas." There you go. [gives it to him] Book signing today everyone, be sure to pick up your copy.
Butters: Hey Eric!
Cartman: Well hello. Another person who [looks to his right and tries to get the other kids' attention as they stream into the cafeteria] cares about the future of our school.
Butters: Oh you bet! I love all the stuff you said about how our school president never does anything, and how she's changing everything.
Cartman: Yes, well now you can read about all those things I've said, Butters. Take this copy of my book.
Butters: Cool, thanks.
Cartman: That'll be five dollars.
Butters: [a bit disappointed] Oh, okay. [hands him a five-dollar bill]
Stan: What the hell do you think you're doing?!
Cartman: A book signing.
Stan: I looked through your stupid book! It's five hundred and forty pages of ripping on Wendy and calling her a slut!
Cartman: I do not directly say she's a slut!
Stan: "Wendy Testaburger has proven time and time again that she will do anything to pleasure her vagina. Whether it is the school football team or the janitors on their break, Wendy spends her time as president on her knees or on her back taking the old in-out for hours on end".
Cartman: [leans over the table and points somethoug out to him] You didn't read the rest, dude.
Stan: "Or does she?"
Cartman: "Or does she?" See, that's a question. I'm asking questions, Stan! I've called for Wendy to come on my show and defend herself, but she won't do it!
Butters: [showing up with his Melvins] Yeah, and she hates Smurfs!
Scene Description: Some younger boys are reading the book.
Boy 1: "Shouldn't we be worried if our school president is a girl who would rather get her tits licked than go to student council meetings?" [the other boys react to that passage]
Stan: Hey hey, stop reading that!
Boy 1: Wull what do you mean?
Stan: Listen, just because a guy's voice is on the intercom and his words are in a book, doesn't mean he has any idea what he's talking about!
Boy 2: Yes it does!
Casey: Eric Cartman is simply making it so that all kids take responsibility to question their school leaders. We should all ask if our president is a penis-hungry hooker with a huge vagina. I'm Casey Miller. [Stan turns and walks away. He sees Wendy at her locker and approaches her.]
Stan: Wendy, did you see the stuff Cartman is saying about you now?
Wendy: I really don't care, Stan.
Stan: Well don't you think you should go on his show and defend yourself?! Everyone is starting to think you're a crappy president.
Wendy: I'm not giving Eric Fartman one minute of my time, you got that?! I'm not acknowledging his stupid questions. If you want him dealt with, you'll have to do it yourself! [takes up her backpack and storms off]
Scene Description: The principal's office, after the announcements. Cartman walks into the office. Mr. Mackey stands to Principal Victoria's left.
Cartman: You wanted to see me again, Principal Victoria?
Principal Victoria: Eric, we've been informed by a concerned student that you are writing naughty books about one of the girls here at the school.
Cartman: Oh, Wendy came and told on me?! So what? Because she's president she can't be written about?
Mr. Mackey: Eric, apparently you wrote that Wendy's private parts are big enough to fly an airplane through, m'kay?
Cartman: And what if they are?! You'll stop me from asking just because Wendy forces you to?!
Mr. Mackey: Eric, the student body president really doesn't have the kind of power that you-
Cartman: Just enough power to force you to stop me from selling my book! Face it, you're a lackey, Mackey!
Principal Victoria: [stands up] Eric, I've had enough! You cannot and you will not sell your books on school grounds! Do I make myself clear?!
Cartman: Clear as summer rain! Clear as a flavorless bottle of vitamin water! This school has finally transformed to the socialist whoreland where a student isn't free! Well I'm not gonna be a part of it, do you understand?! I'm leaving this... hypocritical Communist school! I'm walking out and I'm never coming back! [turns and storms out of the office.]
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, next morning. The students are entering the school. Later...
Announcer: [an adult male] Live, from the principal's office, these are the morning announcements. Here, is Eric Cartman.
Cartman: Yesterday, as most of you know, I walked out on this program, and on our school. I was so... fed up with our president's hypocrisies, me not being allowed to sell my book. I wanted to live in a place where my values were still upheld. And so I decided to leave it all behind and instead just go and live with the Smurfs. [an animated sequence begins. Smurf Village is shown] I simply observed the gentle Smurfs at first. I wanted to understand how they could live such simple and decent lives. They were wary of me in the beginning, but slowly I began to earn their trust. [one day he steps up, and they gather round him] It wasn't long before the gentle Smurfs accepted me as one of their own. [they bring him a cap big enough to fit his head, he puts it on and grins. The camera pans up and the title of his animation appears: Dances with Smurfs]
Butters: Whoa... [this time Kyle is the one who has his head in his arms]
Cartman: The smurfs and I grew to understand each other. [Cartman is now dressed as a Smurf, but only his face is painted blue. He's harvesting berries with the Smurfs] They shared with me their art of picking Smurfberries, and I shared with them stories of my country's forefathers. Of course, it wasn't long before ...I fell in love with Smurfette. [He and the diminutive Smurfette sit on a log watching the sun set] We're from two different worlds and yet we spoke the common language of passion.
Kyle: "These, are the morning announcements." [Butters shushes him and he buries his face in his arms again.]
Cartman: Papa Smurf was displeased at first, [Cartman tries to catch up to Smurfette as her father takes her into their mushroom house] He told Smurfette I wasn't a real Smurf and we could never be happy. But I eventually proved myself to Papa Smurf by picking more Smurfberries than any Smurf had ever Smurfed before. Finally, all was right with the world. But then, a crisis. Clumsy Smurf burst into the Smurf ceremony to say that humans had come to destroy all of Smurfland.
Cartman Smurf: No! No, you must leave the noble Smurfs alone! Who's behind all this?! [gasps at the sight of lots of bulldozers ready to raze Smurfland, and at their forewoman] I should have known. Wendy!
Human Wendy: [just Cartman dressed as Wendy] Out of my way! [this Wendy has padding to make her appear to have breasts]
Cartman Smurf: Wendy, what are you doing here?!
Human Wendy: Smurfberries are worth a lot of money. With all those Smurfberries I can power the school for the entire year.
Cartman Smurf: Wendy, I know you're president of our school, but you can't just dig up the Smurfs' land!
Human Wendy: Fuck the Smurfs! They can suck my fat tits! [she climbs onto one of the bulldozers, Cartman stands in front of it]
Cartman Smurf: How many Smurfberries is enough, Wendy?!
Human Wendy: You can suck my fat tits too! [steps on the gas and the bulldozer begins to move. She rolls over the land, mowing down trees, mushroom houses, and smurfs, killing them by the tens. Blood and guts splatter everywhere]
Cartman Smurf: Smurfette noooo!
Human Wendy: Suck mah fat tits!
Cartman: And so now our school has plenty of precious unattainable Smurfberries. Yeah well big deal. At what cost did our school president get it? Every Smurf is dead. Wiped out and we will never see them again! Go on, look outside! You won't see any Smurfs! [Butters sobs] Of course, since I'm being silenced, I'm not allowed time to show you the entire movie. And so please buy Dances with Smurfs available now on DVD. [holds up the DVD case] The question now is, What happened to morals? What happened to dignity? What happened to my schooool?
Scene Description: South Park Elementary hallway, later. Butters is pacing the ground before a group of Melvins.
Butters: That does it! Our student council is corrupt and has to be dealt with!
A Melvin: I can no longer stand idly by.
Butters: We need to get all the kids together who wanna fight back and tell them to meet after school! We will forever remember this day, the day we finally stood up to Wendy Testaburger!
Casey: It is time for that slutty Smurf-killing bitch to get what's comin' to 'er.
Melvins: Yeah!
Scene Description: Butters' house, after school. He's at the back patio talking to the Melvins over a megaphone. All of them are wearing shirts Cartman had made: "I ask questions!" with a picture of Cartman's head underneath.
Butters: I don't know about all of you, but I have had enough! We've been sitting back and watching as our school slowly goes into the toilet! But today, we do something about it! [the Melvins cheer] So let's march right over there to Wendy's house and do what we know needs to be done! [the Melvins cheer again, and follow him out the side gate and on to Wendy's house]
Scene Description: Butters stops his posse outside Wendy's house, on the sidewalk.
Butters: Let us not forget what happens this day!
A Melvin: Do it!
Butters: We are here, Wendy Testaburger! [walks up to her front door, drops his pants and briefs, and pees on the front door.]
Melvin 2: Take that, school president!
Melvin 3: Get her good!
Butters: I am.
Wendy: [opens her window] Hey, what are you doing?
Butters: The students want answerrrrs! Go on the Morning Announcements if you've got nothing to hide!
Mr. Testaburger: [opens the front door and looks down] What the hell? [Butters stops peeing and looks up]
Butters: Wah! [turns and waddles down the steps without pulling his pants up, then across the front yard] Smurfkiller! [runs down the street with the other Melvins] Answer for your crimes on the Morning Announcements!
Mr. Testaburger: Wendy, did a boy just pee on our door because the Smurfs were murdered? [Wendy plants her hands on her face, then removes them]
Wendy: It's okay Dad, I'll take care of it.
Scene Description: The Principal's office, next morning. Wendy and Cartman are on Cartman's set as his make-up people prepare him for the Announcements. One of them is Esther. They frost the lower part of his hair to give him a distinguished elderly look.
Cartman: Thank you so much for finally coming on my show, Wendy.
Wendy: Yeah, well, Butters peed on my house.
Cartman: People are riled up. Hopefully we can clear the air here this morning.
Wendy: If we could just keep it to questions about Student Council?
Cartman: Of course. That's why we're here.
A Boy: Five seconds. [the make-up people move out as Cartman stands up]
Cartman: Don't worry, I won't go too hard on you. [sits down and gets his notes ready as the chimes come in] Good morning South Park Elementary, these are the morning announcements. Rehearsals for the school play are cancelled this afternoon. For lunch the cafeteria will be serving meat loaf or veggie pasta. My guest today is the student body president of South Park Elementary, Wendy Testaburger. Wendy, thank you for coming on the show.
Wendy: Sure.
Cartman: Wendy, I wanna start by asking a pretty straightforward question, and I hope you don't take offense to it.
Wendy: Okay.
Cartman: How many Smurfberries is the life of each Smurf worth? [Wendy doesn't answer, and Cartman studies her reaction]
Wendy: I don't, I, I have no idea what-
Cartman: You don't know how many Smurfberries the life of each Smurf is worth.
Scene Description: The Audio Video Department room. Butters and the Melvins are watching the announcements there.
Butters: Ohhh, he's got her now!
Scene Description: The Fourth Grade classroom. Kyle again has his face in his arms.
Cartman: Would you agree that the school is in a crisis right now?
Wendy: I believe there is a ...few things wrong with the school, but-
Cartman: If a Smurf dies and no one is around to hear it, does it still scream? [Wendy doesn't answer]
Scene Description: The Audio Video Department room.
Butters: She's speechless!
Cartman: You are the president of the school. Can you see why many students think you're an ineffective slut? Are you denying that the Smurf holocaust ever happened? Is that what you're suggesting?
Wendy: Look, Eric, you have to understand. The Smurfberries were our school government's only option.
Cartman: Yes, and that makes- whoa whoa what?
Wendy: What was I supposed to do? The school was running out of power. We tried relocating the Smurfs at first, but they wouldn't budge! So we decided to get somebody on the inside. A member of the school who could act like one of the Smurfs and learn their secrets. But of course you know that, don't you?
Cartman: What? What do you mean I know that?
Wendy: I'm just asking a question. We all knew you were sent in to live with the Smurfs, but did you know they would be wiped out?
Cartman: No! You wiped them all out!
Wendy: [gets off her chair and walks around a bit] Nobody expected you to fall in love with Smurfette. You went to learn from them, but instead you became one of them, right? Fought against your own kind when you knew we'd stop at nothing! Do you know that one Smurfberry can power the school for two months? One Smurfberry!
Cartman: Wait, hold on, can we take a break?
Wendy: No, it's okay! It's all out in the open now. I wouldn't have had to kill the Smurfs if they would have simply moved on. But you gave them the will to stay, and I guess... you can't be blamed for that.
Scene Description: Mr. Garrison's classroom.
Stan: What?!
Scene Description: The Principal's office.
Wendy: And that is why... I'm stepping down. You were right all along, Cartman. And I am hereby making you the student body president.
Scene Description: The AV Department room.
Butters: All right! Cartman's president. We did it.
A Melvin: I'm confused.
Scene Description: The Principal's office.
Cartman: Dude, you can't take my Dances with Smurfs idea and turn it into your own thing-
Wendy: No, you're right. The students all deserve to know the truth. And so I have answered what really happened in my new book, Going Rogue on the Smurfs.
Cartman: No! No, dude! You don't just take one person's story and then add a couple of things and call it yours!
Wendy: Luckily with the money I made selling the movie rights to my book, I'll be okay.
Cartman: You sold the movie rights to who?!
Wendy: James Cameron. Go look. The movie came out already.
Cartman: Theh- They can't do that! I'm student body president!
Scene Description: The Bijou. Playing there now is Avatar, James Cameron's latest movie. Cartman comes out of the 4:30 showing really pissed off.
Cartman: [crossing the street] Oh God damn it! Son of a bitch idea-stealing assholes! [turns around and rants at the theater] You sons of bitches! Dances with Smurfs was MY idea! MY IDEA! [gives the theater two middle fingers three times] You can't just take Dances with Smurfs and call it something else! [gives the theater two middle fingers three more times]
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, next morning. The fourth graders take their seats. Cartman comes in and takes his seat, still angry.
Cartman: Huh!
Stan: Dude, what happened? You're not doing the morning announcements anymore?
Cartman: No, because it turns out that by rule, the student body president can't also be the morning announcement reader!
Kyle: Oh well, at least as president you can run the school the way you want.
Cartman: I can't do jack! I went to my first student council meeting; all we did was talk about what colors to make the stupid Sadie Hawkins dance! Student council's retarded! [the chimes come on]
Casey: The sun is up and the birds are chirping. I'm Casey Miller and these, are the morning announcements. I have a letter from second-grade student Brian Falner. Brian writes, "Dear Casey, why is our school president such a fat stupid dickhead? My desk is broken, and so far Eric Cartman has done nothing about it. Will you please let that walking bowl of anus pus know that we are not happy?" Well Brian, I couldn't agree more. Our asshole president is a fat smelly douchebag milkshake.
Cartman: I'm doin' the best I can! [begins to cry, leaves his desk, and runs out of the classroom bawling.]


Scene Description: On the road, day. Cartman is singing. Jimmy looks over the back of the second row of seats in the station wagon.
Cartman: We're going to the water park, The water park, the water park! We're going to the water park, Me and all my best friends, except for Kyle who I don't like! [Kyle flashes a look of anger at him]
Stan: [annoyed] Okay Cartman, you can stop singing now. [his father Randy is driving. The other boys present are Butters, Kenny, and Jimmy]
Cartman: This is gonna be sooo awesome dude. I haven't been to the water park in like, over a year.
Butters: What do you guys wanna do first? I hear they have a new inner tube slide.
Cartman: No! Dude, we gotta go to the wave pool first. It's so dope, as long as there aren't any minorities.
Jimmy: W-What are you talking about, Eric?
Cartman: You know, there's always like five or six minorities wearing their T-shirts in the wave pool, pisses me off.
Stan: We're here! It's the water park! [Randy pulls up at the front entrance and drops the boys off.]
Scene Description: Pi Pi's Splashtown. The boys gather at the entrance.
Randy: I'm gonna pick you boys up right here at 4:00, you got it?
Cartman: Come on, let's go!
Stan: We got it, Dad.
Scene Description: The ticket booth.
Cartman: [hands the clerk some money] Six adorable children, please.
Scene Description: Inside. Cartman runs in and through the interactive fountains.
Cartman: Wave pool! Wave pool! Waaave pooool! [finally gets to the wave pool, but gets pissed off] Oh, what the hell?! [the pool is quite crowded with people of all races enjoying themselves. The other five boys catch up to Cartman]
Kyle: All right, what do you guys wanna ride first?
Stan: Well Cartman said he wanted to do the wave pool first, right Cartman?
Cartman: [with a stunned look on his face] Forget it! Just forget it! [walks off in anger. The other five are confused]
Scene Description: Pi Pi's New York Splash. The boys tackle that attraction. Cartman isn't with them.
Stan: Dude, this is awesome.
Kyle: You guys wanna see how long I can hold my breath under water?
Butters: [stops] Hey fellers, fellas hang on! I've gotta go to the bathroom. [Kenny continues across the pool without the other boys]
Kyle: Okay, go ahead. [turns back to Stan and Jimmy]
Butters: Okay, thanks. [goes to the bathroom right there, no stepping out of the pool or nothin']
Kyle: I can seriously hold my breath longer than anybody. Somebody time me, all right?
Stan: Okay.
Kyle: All right, [glances back at Butters] check it out, I- [looks back again and sees what happened.] Butters, BUTTERS! What the fuck?! Are you peeing in the pool?!
Butters: You said "go ahead".
Stan: Come on Kyle, let's check out the fireboats.
Kyle: No dude, Butters' pee is in there.
Stan: Aw come on, look at all this water. It doesn't matter if one person pees in it.
Butters: Yeah, come on, Kyle, I'm not the only person who's peed in the pool. Lots of people do.
Kyle: No they don't!
Stan: Yeah, they do, Kyle.
Jimmy: To be perfectly frank, I peed in the pool about tu-tu-twenty five seconds ago.
Kyle: Dude!
Stan: Come on, show us how long you can hold your breath.
Kyle: NO!
Scene Description: In another part of the park, Cartman stands alone near a gazebo as people move past him this way and that. Montage, part 1: Cartman is now in the wave pool, then he wanders around the park, then he's singing at a signpost, then he's back near the wave pool, looking at the crowd in there, then he faces the camera, then he walks back to the park entrance, then tugs at a cop's shirt only to find that the copy is a member of a minority group, then he's back at the signpost, then he's at an artificial beach looking for a place to sit, then he's in line for Pele's Revenge, then he's annoyed and lazing about in an inner tube at the Lazy River, then he's waiting to enter the Lost River of the King Tut.
Cartman: What has happened to this place? I don't recognize it anymore. It used to be so fun and special. What is life worth living for? The dream is dead, our land is gone; There's a hole in my heart and I can't go oooooon. There are too many minorities (minorities) At my water park (my water park). This was our land, our dream (our dream), and they've taken it all away. They just keep coming and coming (minorities). I tried to go and tell the police, But even the authorities Are minorities At my water park. There's no place for me to sit anymore, And the lines just keep getting crazier. There are Mexicans all around me. The lazy river has never been lazier. It's a 40 minute wait to go down one slide, And the instructions are in Spanish on the Zip Line ride!
Scene Description: At the Zip Line Ride. Cartman is waiting for the car he's in to start moving.
Ride Operator: Guarden los brazos y piernas dentro del paseo-
Cartman: Just do it in English!
Scene Description: Back to the montage. Cartman walks around some more, then he's back at the wave pool looking at it, then some colored lights in the background, then he's on bended knee on a bluff overlooking the park.
Cartman: There are too many minorities (too many) At my water park (somebody do something). Where did they all come from? Why can't they leave this land alone? And it's such a tragedy (feel a bit like dying). We looked the other way too long. We've got to change our priorities And get all these minorities Out of my water park (Minorities) Mexicans and Asians, (Black people), I think I even saw a Native American (gross). God I'm asking please, get all of these minorities Out of my water park (my water park).
Scene Description: Pi Pi's Snack Shack, later. The other five boys are eating hamburgers.
Stan: After this, you guys wanna hit the hurricane slides?
Butters: You bet!
Kyle: I'm not getting back in the water.
Stan: Aw come on, Kyle.
Kyle: Dude, I just found out that everybody pees in pools. Why would I go back?
Stan: Not everybody pees in pools.
Kyle: Do you pee in the pool?
Stan: Not today... yet.
Kyle: Aw, come on!
Stan: Well dude, what are you gonna do? Just hang out here at the table all day?
Kyle: Most likely.
Cartman: [running up to the boys] You guys! You guys, we have got problems of Biblical proportions!
Stan: Dude, where have you been?
Cartman: I've been counting. Do you know there are two hundred and five Mexicans here? And there are a hundred and ninety black people!
Kyle: So what?
Cartman: So?! Guess how many white people are at the water park today? One hundred and forty three! There are actually more minorities here than us!
Kyle: Well then they're not minorities, are they?
Cartman: ...What do you mean?
Kyle: Dumbass, if there's sixty percent of them to forty percent of us, then who's the minority?!
Cartman: The black and brown people.
Kyle: No, you're the minority!
Cartman: Do I look like a minority to you, stupid?! Now look guys, I did some calculations: just last year, there were almost ninety percent normal people to minorities. That's a fifty percent rise in one, year!
Stan: This is more math than I've ever seen you do.
Cartman: Because it's important! A fifty percent rise each year means that in three years the world will be only... minorities. That's 2012! The Mayans predicted this!
Butters: The who?
Cartman: The Mayans! They knew that minorities would take over the world by the year 2012! And now it's happening!
Stan: I'm gonna go on the slides.
Butters: Whoopie! [Stan, Butters, Jimmy, and Kenny take their leave]
Cartman: You guys! You guys have to do something to stop this! Come on! [only Kyle is left at the table, and Cartman remembers this and slowly turns to him] Well, looks like at least you've got some sense left in you, Kyle. So what are we gonna do to keep the Mayan's prediction from coming true, buddy?
Kyle: Blow it out your ass, Cartman! [leaves the table without taking a bite from his hamburger. He walks by an elderly couple in a pool]
Woman: Eugene, that is disgusting! Did you just pee in the pool?
Eugene: Aw, come on, look how big this pool is. One person peeing in it isn't gonna hurt anything.
Kyle: Eewww! [walks away quickly. Nearby, a man takes a water sample]
Water Tester: Oh my God.
Scene Description: The park's main office. The water tester and his assistant are at the office with Pi-Pi and a lawyer. Behind Pi-Pi is a picture window, and outside that is the Drop Zone!! attraction.
Pi-Pi: Ah, gentlemen, I am da Pi-Pi. How can I help you?
Assistant: Pi-Pi, we have some dire news concerning your water park.
Water Tester: I've just finished some tests. The water in your park is now 98% pee.
Pi-Pi: Yes, uhso whatsuh is the problem?
Assistant: Pi-Pi, you know that acceptable pee levels in any water park is eighty three percent. [with some urgency] You have to shut down.
Pi-Pi: What?! I can'tuh close down now, it'she my biggest-a weekend. Everyone is having a-theh fun.
Water Tester: You're endangering people's lives! [shows him the test results] If those pee levels hit a hundred percent, there's no telling what'll happen!
Lawyer: And what proof... do you have that the pee levels will go up?
Water Tester: One in three people admit they pee in pools. Add another for people who do but don't admit it; that's two in three. You've got just over five hundred people out there; that's three hundred and thirty two people about to pee in your water!
Pi-Pi: Gehntlemen, please-a. I come-a from ada Venice. [shows off a real life picture of a canal in Venice] Venice is almost all pee. And we doin' just fine. We swim-a in the pee, we sing-a in the pee. You can't barge in here and tell me thuh, that I have to close down just because my wahter park has-a too much pee.
Water Tester: You have to evacuate people now!
Lawyer: He said he's not doing it! And as his lawyer I advise you gentlemen to leave and take your wild pee theories with you!
Water Tester: [now at the door with his assistant about to leave] If one more person urinates in your pool, it could set off a chain reaction. Then the pee will be on your hands. [they leave]
Scene Description: The wave pool, later. The water is now green.
Butters: Oh b-hoy, the waves are startin' up again!
Stan: This is sweet, huh Kenny? [Kenny, who's facing away from the camera, doesn't say anything. A girl in an inner tube floats past the boys, then stops and lets loose some pee. Sure enough, the ground begins to rumble and shake.]
Jimmy: W-What's that? [Explosions of pee come out of every ride, overrunning them all. A huge pee wave rises over the park and swamps it, destroying every structure. An unlucky slider is swept down in a rush of pee. A woman loses her baby as the wave strikes her back. The pee tsunami sweeps across the Mt. Everest attraction. A statue of a man scaling the mountain falls off]
Woman Who Loses Baby: (shrieks)
Man 1: It's pee! [turns to run from it]
Man 2: Look out for the pee! [Kyle, who's playing a Zombie Fighter video game, looks back to see what's all the commotion. The pee-nami hits the New York Splash attraction, mowing down its structures]
Kyle: Aaaaah! GROSS! [leaves the game and makes a run for it. A volcano blows up and chunks of lava drop all over the place. The wave pool gets unstable, threatening to throw people out with its wild waves]
Pi-Pi: [holding on to the sign post] Aaaaa, it's-a the peeee! [the sign post breaks off and both man and post are swept away by the pee. Stan, Butters, and Jimmy climb up the Mr. Everest sign]
Floating Woman: [swept away] Aaaah!
Stan: [in a shaky voice] Aaaah! [stops and looks at the pee, and sees a familiar boy floating in the water, face down] OH MY GOD, THEY KILLED KENNY!
Kyle: [running up some stairs in Drop Zone!!] Aw, sick! [the pee below him is rising]
Scene Description: Pi Pi's Splashtown parking lot, some time later. Firefighters have arrived on scene of the destroyed water park.
Fire Marshal: I want that entire water park contained and quarantined until I get some answers. [Randy quickly arrives in his station wagon and runs up to the captain]
Randy: What's going on?
Fire Marshal: I told you people to keep civilians back!
Randy: Sir, please, my son is in there! What's happened?
Fire Marshal: We don't know yet, all right?! There's been a pee breach and a lot of people are dead. Now I'm sorry, but you're gonna have to-
Officer 1: Captain, these two men claim to know the situation. [the water tester and his assistant walk into view]
Water Tester: We warned the owner of the park, but he refused to shut down. This was inevitable.
Fire Marshal: So this is all pee-related?
Water Tester: Yes, I... tested the pH levels this morning.
Fire Marshal: And?
Water Tester: It was almost all pee, no H.
Randy: Oh my God. I've gotta help him! [starts to run to the gate, but the captain catches him and pulls him back.]
Fire Marshal: Stay BACK!
Randy: You can't just leave my son in there with all that pee!
Officer 2: Sir, it's possible with a crane we could help any survivors out.
Water Tester: I think that would be a very bad idea.
Fire Marshal: And why is that?
Water Tester: Anyone inside there is contaminated. We have reason to believe that when people are exposed to that much pee, they... change.
Fireman 1: Change how?
Water Tester: All right uh brubring in, bring in the monkey. [a researcher wheels in a monkey who's been shackled to a dolly] We've only tested the theory on monkeys so far. This monkey is healthy and normal in every way, but now, watch. [unzips his pants and turns to face the monkey, then starts peeing on it. He first pees on the chest, no reaction. He moves the stream up to the monkey's face and the monkey begins to protest. The monkey tries to escape the pee stream, but the tester just keeps the stream on it as best he can.]
Fire Marshal: My God! He's become full of rage!
Scene Description: Back in the pee-filled water park, Jimmy, Butters, and Stan stand on the Mt. Everest attraction. Kyle is on what remains of the Drop Zone!! sign, but it moves a little, sinking a bit.
Kyle: Aahhh...
Stan: [on a small plateau on the attraction] Kyle, quick! You've gotta swim over to us!
Kyle: No way!
Jimmy: You've gotta swim over here, Kyle.
Butters: Come on, Kyle!
Kyle: Dude, that's all pee!
Stan: Well if you don't swim in it you're gonna die!
Kyle: I'll die if I do swim in it!
Stan: Kyle, it's just pee! It's not that big a deal!
Kyle: Yes it is a big deal! Why do you think everyone washes their hands after they go to the bathroom?!
Stan: [hesitantly] ...Well, not everyone washes their hands after they go to the bathroom.
Kyle: ..WHAT?
Stan: Come on, dude, you've gotta swim.
Kyle: You don't wash your hands after going to the bathroom!
Stan: Not... all the time.
Kyle: That is gross!!
Stan: Why? It's not like you're peeing on your hands! There's more germs on most furniture than there is in pee!
Butters: Yeah, if anything you should wash your hands before you touch your weiner! [the sign drops further into the yellow urine]
Stan: Kyle, come on!
Kyle: Ah, god-damnit! [climbs down the sign and into the pee. He holds his face high up as much as he can as he swims across] Haaa. Ohhhh. Ahh, ohh, uhh, agh, [He climbs up and joins his friends on the plateau. He pants, dripping with pee]
Butters: Do you need to wash your hands?
Scene Description: The lake of pee. Cartman hangs on to a styrofoam ice chest.
Cartman: Help! Help!
Man 1: Here! Hey kid, grab this stick! [a branch hangs off a Floom Zoom boat]
Cartman: Yes! Yes help me! Yes, help me I'm just a little boy! You have to help me! [grabs onto the branch and is hoisted onto the boat. He catches his breath] Oh, oh, oh. [sits up and looks around - it's all minorities in the boat]
Man 2: Are you okay?
Cartman: Haa-aa. Yes, thank you.
Man 2: Well what are we gonna do now?
Woman 1: We've gotta just wait it out.
Woman 2: Yeah, but for how long?
Man 3: We need to find somethin' to paddle with.
Cartman: [pulls out a memo pad and pen and writes the following] Day one. It has happened. The Mayans were right. The only thing they got wrong was the date. It is 2009, and I appear to be the last of my species alive. Now it's just me, all alone, with minorities. What will the minorities do with me? I'm sure that's what's on all of their minds. I have to make myself seem useful to them or they will surely not let me live. [puts the pad and pen away somewhere...] Does anyone need medical help? I am a doctor. [the other survivors just look at him]
Scene Description: The Marsh house. Sharon is on the phone in the living room while Shelly looks on from the kitchen doorway.
Sharon: Randy, Randy, calm down. I can't understand what you're saying.
Randy: It's the pee! It's all pee, and nobody can go in or out!
Sharon: What is all pee?
Scene Description: Pi Pi's Splashtown parking lot.
Randy: Sharon, the water park had a pee meltdown! They think a lot of people have died.
Sharon: What?! What about Stan?! Is he okay?!
Randy: I don't know! The whole water park has been quarantined! They're worried anyone left alive could be... sssome kind of raging, hate-filled mutants.
Sharon: Randy, you've got to do something!
Randy: Calm down, Sharon, all right?! [shakes his head vigorously] Calm down! They're trying to find an antidote. Once they believe they can neutralize the enraging effects of the pee, they'll, they'll go in to look for survivors.
Fire Marshal: [on the phone with someone] I said keep the media out! If the public hears about this we'll have a full-scale panic on our hands! [hangs up] Damn it where is that antidote?!
Researcher 1: [with red hair] Here! Here! We think we have it, sir! [three researchers walk into view] It's the best we could come up with in such a short time! We aren't sure of the ramifications, but it does appear to neutralize some particles of the urine.
Fire Marshal: All right, let's test it. Bring in the monkeys! [three monkeys are wheeled in on dollies]
Water Tester: Let's hope to Christ this works. [each researcher takes a monkey and injects it with the antidote. Then they start pissing on the monkeys, and the monkeys protest almost immediately] No, damn it, no!
Fire Marshal: They're still angry.
Researcher 1: This one's really angry.
Fire Marshal: It's out of control! [quickly takes a gun from a police officer and shoots the middle monkey first, then the one on the left, then the one on the right. All of them die.] Find an antidote that works! [the researchers leave]
Scene Description: Stan, Jimmy, Kyle, and Butters make their way down the Mt. Everest attraction as the pee recedes.
Kyle: Dude, why the hell aren't people coming to help us?
Stan: I don't know. [they hear the sobs of a crying man nearby]
Pi-Pi: Why? Why didn't Pi-Pi leesten? They tried to warn-a the Pi-Pi, but-a the Pi-Pi not-a belieeve them. [sobs some more. The boys approach him]
Stan: Who are you?
Pi-Pi: [stands up and faces them] Oh I, I'm so sohhry. This all-eh my fault. I should've-a shut my water park-a down when it reached-a ninety percent-a pee.
Kyle: Yeah, well people should [looks at Stan and Butters] know that peeing in pools is [looks at Jimmy] bad!
Pi-Pi: But wait-a. Maybe you boys-a can help-a Pi-Pi. In-a the maintenance room-a there's the emergency release-a valve-a. If you open it, all this pee can be lowered.
Jimmy: Okay. W-where's the maintenance room?
Pi-Pi: That is-a the problem. The maintenance room is a way down on the basement-a level. I would do it but-a Pi-Pi is-a no good at-a swimming. Somebody will have to dive-a down into the pee, then stay there to turn the release-a wheel. So, who can hold their breath-a the longest? [Stan, Butters and Jimmy all look at Kyle, who looks back at them]
Kyle: [spreads his arms in refusal] NO!
Butters: You said you could hold your breath the longest, Kyle.
Kyle: Not in pee!
Pi-Pi: [grabs Kyle by the left wrist and pulls him away from his friends] Please-a you have to hurry! [lets go] I'll draw you-a the map, and instructions how to shut off-a the valve-a. It'll be as easy as-a peeing in the shower.
Kyle: [looks back at the other boys] Oh who pees in the shower?!
Stan: ...Well, it's not like if you suddenly have to pee, you're gonna get out of the shower.
Butters: Well yeah, seeing all that running water always makes me need to pee.
Kyle: You don't pee in the shower, dude. That's fucking disgusting!
Pi-Pi: Boys-a please-a, we've got to get this-a boy to the drainage-a valve-a or we're all-a gonna die!
Kyle: Jesus Christ!
Scene Description: Adrift in the Floom Zoom on Pi Pi Lake. Cartman whips out his memo pad and starts writing again.
Cartman: It has been many, many hours since the Apocalypse, and all I keep thinking is "Why me? Why am I the only one of my race God chose to survive in this minority-run world?" When the smoke has cleared I'm sure the minorities will start rebuilding, building the world... in their way. I can see it now. Nooo... [imagines himself in class with a bunch of non-white students]
Teacher: [A black man] All right, Eric Cartman, let's hear your book report.
Cartman: I read Treasure Island, because I was so happy when I saw that movie.
Teacher: Hey! You're living in a minority-speaking country now! Say it right!
Cartman: ...because I was so happy when I seen that movie.
Teacher: Good.
Cartman: Noooo... [now imagines himself at a job interview] Trying to find a job will be even harder.
Señor Lopez: You don't expect to make the same amount of money that minorities make, do ya?
Cartman: Well, I do just as much work.
Señor Lopez: [laughs] You're trash around here. You'll never make as much as a minority.
Cartman: Noooo... [now imagines himself at an open council meeting] Eventually the minorities will do away with me altogether.
Councilman: All those in favor of putting white people in camps?
Audience: Aye!
Councilman: All those opposed?
Cartman: Noooo...
Councilman: The minorities win! [Cartman comes out of his daydream]
Cartman: [throws down his pad and pen and stands up] NO! No I don't wanna live in your world, do you understand?! Your world is cold and devoid of any humanity! Just kill me! Kill me now! DO IT! [turns away and squeezes his eyes shut.]
Scene Description: The Mt. Everest attraction. Pi-Pi prepares Kyle for the descent to the basement. Kyle holds a piece of white paper and an index card.
Pi-Pi: Okay, there. We are almost-a ready for the diving-a. Now if you run into any da problems you just tug-a three times on the cable and the Pi-Pi will-a pull you back-a to the surface.
Kyle: Let's just get this over with!
Pi-Pi: You've got-a the map and-a Pi-Pi's instructions?
Kyle: Yes.
Pi-Pi: Good-a. Now just one last thing. [takes a glass jar sitting next to him and scoops some pee into it] You need to drink-a some pee.
Kyle: What?!
Pi-Pi: You just need to drink about-a three cups of pee.
Kyle: Why?!
Pi-Pi: You swim-a down deep in the pee, you get-a the pressure, the bendza. You have to fill-a inside your body with some-a pee to compensate.
Stan: That's true dude, didn't you see The Abyss?
Kyle: [drops the papers on the ground] I am not, NOT, d-rinking pee!
Pi-Pi: But only you can hold-a the breath a long time, just swim down and-a release the valve! If-eh you don't you get-a the benza, then you fail and we all-a die!
Stan: Just drink the pee, Kyle.
Butters: Please, Kyle, I wanna go home.
Pi-Pi: What's-a the problem? When-a you pee either in the toilet or in the shower it all goes to the sewer. The sewer all goes-a to the ocean, the ocean is the water we all drink, we are always drinking-a the pee!
Kyle: That doesn't make me feel better! I wouldn't even be able to keep it down.
Pi-Pi: Sure you will, you drank only pee for nine months when you lived-a in your mother's belly.
Kyle: No!
Scene Description: Pi Pi's Splashtown parking lot, afternoon.
Water Tester: Make way! Make way! I need to speak to the fire marshal! Sir! Sir, I just got off the phone with my colleagues at the university! They've also been testing antidotes on monkeys! They're claiming that they've had success using simple Musa acuminata.
Researcher 2: [balding, with gray hair] Wait, you mean a banana.
Water Tester: Yes.
Fire Marshal: Is it possible... the antidote is something as simple as a banana? Get another monkey! [another monkey is brought forth strapped to a dolly] All right, Connors. [Officer connors offers a banana to the monkey, who takes a bite of it after a few seconds. A researcher steps up and starts peeing on the monkey. The monkey doesn't mind it, but just takes another bite of the banana.]
Fireman 2: Holy God, it works!
Police Captain: All right, let's start moving in, everyone! Check the-
Water Tester: Hold on, ih it is a promising lead, but this antidote hasn't yet been tested on a human.
Randy: I'll do it. [the officers and firefighters make way for Randy.] You can test the antidote on me. [two researchers take Randy and sit him down in the dolly, then strap him in.]
Fire Marshal: [walks up to Randy] You sure you want to do this?
Randy: Give me the banana. [the balding researcher walks to him and gives him the banana. Randy takes a bite. The fire marshal unzips his pants and starts peeing on Randy's face.] Ugh. Awgh. Aaagh! Awwwwgh! Awwgh, wagh. [tries his best to keep his cool, but shakes his head] Aww, ooogh, Aaaaaaaah.
Researcher 3: He looks agitated...
Randy: Aaaaaahhh. Aw, awww.
Fire Marshal: He's losin' it! Stevens, your gun! [Stevens moves to hand his gun to the fire marshal]
Randy: No, wait, wait! Ugh. Eugh. I... I'm okay.
Water Tester: He's all right!
Fireman 3: The banana worked!
Scene Description: The Mt. Everest attraction. Kyle is still up top holding the glass of pee, not daring to drink it.
Stan: Come on, dude!
Kyle: I'm thinking about it!
Jimmy: Well it's probably bu-better if you don't think about it, Kyle.
Pi-Pi: There's no more time-a. You have to drink-a the pee NOW! [Kyle begins to drink it, then stops]
Kyle: Gah, ah. [swallows once more] Gaagh.
Pi-Pi: Come on, you have to drink aaall-a the peeeee.
Butters: You can do it, Kyle!
Kyle: Aaahh. Well- [gulps down the rest of the glass and throws the glass away] AAAAH! [the glass breaks on a boulder off screen]
Pi-Pi: All right, now you can open the release-a valve. Okay, so let's-a- [some helicopters are heard approaching]
Butters: [points to them] Hey look! [the helicopters are shown. Randy looks out from one of them]
Randy: [waving a small red shoe] Stan! [steps aside so the firefighters can drop down a rope ladder]
Stan: All right, they finally came for us. [he, Butters and Jimmy have wide smiles]
Kyle: [pissed off] ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! [more rope ladders drop down from the other helicopters as the rescuers cheer]
Scene Description: Pi Pi's Splashtown parking lot, afternoon. Paramedics check out the survivors. The camera pans right to show Randy walking with Kyle, Stan, Jimmy, and Butters.
Randy: [stops] Wait here a minute, Stan, I'm gonna call your mother. [walks away]
Cartman: Guys? Guys! [walks into view and hugs Stan] Oh it's true! You all did survive!
Butters: Hawww, you lived?
Cartman: Oh my God, you guys! I really thought I was the only non-minority on Earth! How many of our species survived?
Kyle: That wasn't the Mayan apocalypse, you racist idiot.
Cartman: It wasn't? So then, you mean... we do have until 2012. Well, it may be only three years, but... I intend to live those precious years to the fullest!
Kyle: Will somebody just get me to a hospital? I need to get my stomach pumped!
Stan: Aw come on. It was just a little pee, Kyle.
Kyle: Goddamnit, don't you get it?! I hate pee! I'm grossed out by pee! The only thing I find more disgusting than pee is bananas!
Water Tester: All right everyone, quick! Here you go!
Butters: What's this?
Fire Marshal: You all need to eat your banana immediately!
Kyle: What the hell for?!
Stevens: [cocks his gun and aims at Kyle] Eat the banana or we have to put you down!
Kyle: [frustrated] AAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHH!