Scene Description: Classroom: Cartman enters humming with a stack of envelopes. He starts handing them out.
Cartman: Here you go, Kyle... And here's yours, Stan...
Kyle: What is this, Cartman?
Cartman: They're invitations to my birthday party this weekend.
Stan: Oh, sweet! Your mom's giving you a big party again this year?
Cartman: Thaat's right. 'Cause it's my birthday, my bu bubu birthday...
Kyle: Kick ass, dude! Cartman's mom throws the best birthday parties ever.
Cartman: That's right.
Stan: Yeah. If my mom could cook like Cartman's mom, I'd be a big fat-ass, too.
Cartman: That's ri-aayy.
Pip: Oh, Eric. I didn't get an invitation.
Cartman: [darting over] Oh, really? Gosh. Where could I have put Pip's invitation?? Let's see, Pip's invitation, Pip's invitation... Oh! I remember!
Scene Description: Pip smiles hopefully.
Cartman: I shoved it up my ass!
Scene Description: Pip's hopes are dashed.
Cartman: Yeess, that's right. I wrote it out, put it in an envelope, sealed it, and then shoved it right up my ass, forever ruining any chance you had of coming to my birthday party! Sorry, Pip ol' chap!
Scene Description: moves on
Cartman: Here's yours, Wendy... and here's yours, Clyde...
Mr. Garrison: [excitedly] Children, children! Today is a very special day.
Cartman: No, my birthday isn't until Saturday.
Mr. Garrison: I'm not talking about your birthday, Eric. We have a new student joining our class today.
Cartman: Eeeeeeh!
Mr. Garrison: Now, some of you know what it's like to be the new kid in town, so I want you all to take special care to make him feel welcome. I want you all to meet our new classmate... [leans down to the new kid, Damien] uh-uh, what's your name again?
Damien Thorn: Damien!
Ominous voice: Rectus...dominus...
Scene Description: Dark music and changing plays as Damien's eyes show flaming, crackling pupils.
Mr. Garrison: Say 'hi' to Damien! [Silence.] And where are you from, Damien?
Damien: The seventh layer of hell!
Mr. Garrison: Ooooh, that's exciting, my mother was from Alabama.
Scene Description: Damien goes around the teacher's desk and hops up on it, kicking away the apple. Garrison steps aside.
Damien: My arrival shall note the end of the Beginning, the beginning of the End, the new reign of my father!
Ominous voice: ... rectus... cheesy poofs...
Mr. Garrison: Your father?
Damien: The Prince of Darkness!
Mr. Garrison: Wow, we have royalty in our class. Why don't you take your seat, Damien? We're gonna finish our lesson on great singers of the Baroque era.
Scene Description: Damien hops down and goes to sit next to Cartman.
Mr. Garrison: Now, children, Nancy Sinatra was quite a choice piece of ass...
Cartman: Hey, new kid. Do you want an invitation to my birthday party?
Damien: Here begins the rule of pain! The new domination of...
Cartman: Psych! I wasn't gonna give you an invitation, hehehehehehe! Hey, who cut your hair? Stevie Wonder?
Ominous voice: Rectus... dominus...
Scene Description: Damien turns to Cartman and concentrates. Cartman's desk suddenly turns over and dumps him onto the floor.
Cartman: Byah. Oof!
Scene Description: The desk goes out the window. The class sits up.
Stan: Whoa, dude!
Ominous voice: Sancti...
Kyle: Damn, what a freak!
Cartman: [Getting up off the floor.] Hey! I had a poofy pie in that desk!
Ominous voice: Cheesy poofs...
Damien: Now feel the wrath - of the fallen angels! The plague of night is upon ye.
Mr. Garrison: Damien, do you need to sit in time out for a few minutes?
Scene Description: Damien blinks.
Cartman: Eheh. [Taunting.] You got in trouble, you got in trouble.
Scene Description: The cafeteria: The boys already have their lunches.
Stan: Hey, Cartman? How come the birthday invitation you gave me says 'Green Mega Man'?
Kyle: Yeah. Mine says 'Red Mega Man'.
Cartman: Right. That's what your supposed to get for my birthday.
Stan: Dude. You're not supposed to tell people what to get you for your birthday.
Kyle: Yeah, that's weak!
Cartman: Look, it's very simple guys. Green Mega Man goes with Red Mega Man and Yellow Mega Man to make the Ultra Mega Mega Man. You have to have all three or it doesn't work, see?
Stan: Up yours. Cartman. I'll get you whatever the hell I want.
Scene Description: Kyle crumples up the invitation and throws it away.
Cartman: Oooh. So maybe you don't want to have any of my mom's cake, pie, and ice cream, then.
Stan: Oh great, Green Mega Man it is.
Cartman: Now. As you can see, Kenny, you are to get me Yellow Mega Man. That's because Yellow Mega Man is the cheapest one, and I know how poor your family is.
Scene Description: Damien arrives.
Stan: Heeyy, what do you think you're doing, new kid?
Cartman: Yeah. You can't sit with us, weirdo!
Damien: Infidels! I will turn you all into beasts of burden!
Kyle: You can't sit with us, new kid. Go find another table!
Scene Description: Damien walks off.
Cartman: Yich. Anyway Kenny, Yellow Man is only $8.95, so maybe your mom can put it on layaway and make payments for a year or two.
Scene Description: Stan and Kyle laugh, then Cartman laughs. Kenny punches him.
Cartman: Eeyy!
Scene Description: Damian walks over to where Pip is.
Pip: Oh. Good day, Damien. My name is Philip, but everyone calls me Pip - because they hate me.
Damien: Then I will call you Pip.
Pip: Right-o.
Stan: Hey new kid!
Scene Description: Cartman turns around. Kenny is already facing him.
Stan: Kenny says he saw... your mother drop you off this morning, and she's a real dog.
Kenny: (Yeah, I feel that she's a freakin' bitch!)
Damien: That does it! Woo-paah.
Scene Description: Points his index fingers at Kenny.
Ominous voice: ... rectus... dominus...
Scene Description: Kenny trembles for a moment, and then a moment of silence.
Stan: What the... ?
Kyle: Dude! He turned Kenny into a duck-billed platypus.
Stan: A what?
Kenny: Quack-quack.
Cartman: Eeyy! Uh-turn him back you butt-hole, he has to buy me the Yellow Mega Man!
Scene Description: Chef comes up behind them.
Chef: Hello there, children.
Stan: Hey, Chef.
Chef: How's it going?
Kyle: Bad.
Chef: Why bad?
Kyle: Chef, there's a new kid in school, and he's a total weirdo freak.
Chef: Oh children, children, you shouldn't not like somebody just because they're different. Here, let me sing you a little song, We're all special in our own way everybody's different, but that's okay, 'cause even though we might-a have different-colored skin, different points of view, be tall or thin, it doesn't mean I can't lay you down, woman, and touch your silky skin,
Scene Description: A psychedelic scene appears behind him.
Chef: With my love deep inside you, where no man has ever been,
Scene Description: He stands behind a lovely black woman wearing trunks and a big smile.
Chef: Rub you legs, caress your thighs and uh...
Scene Description: He floats on a cloud with a lovely white woman, then he's back in the cafeteria
Chef: What were we talking about again?
Kyle: The new kid.
Scene Description: Damian is standing on a table.
Damien: Death to the holy! The wrath of the fallen angels now heads for you all!
Ominous voice: Rectus... dominus... cheesy poofs...
Scene Description: Pip's cap flies off, followed by milk and lunch trays, large tote bags, wall poster, clocks...
Stan: Whoa!
Chef: Oh! That is one fudged-up little cracker!
Scene Description: ...Footballs, bunnyfish, desks, telephones, fire alarms, rifles...
Kyle: We told you, dude.
Scene Description: Kids scream. Pip is awestruck. Kids and lunch tables begin to rise and fly around.
Chef: We've got to do something, children!
Scene Description: Mr. Hankey flies by, then Kevin Stoley, then a cow. (think Twister)
Damien: Bring me Jesus! My wrath shall continue until I speak to Jesus!
Ominous voice: ... rectus... dominus... cheesy poofs... rectus... dominus...
Stan, Kyle: Jesus?
Scene Description: The set of Jesus and Pals. Jesus freshens up, and Roland the cameraman comes in
Roland: Two minutes to air, Jesus.
Jesus: Thanks, Roland. Blessed art thou. [Stan and Kyle dash in.]
Stan: Jesus, Jesus!
Jesus: Ah-hi kids, I only do autographs after the show.
Stan: No no. There's a big problem at school. Some new kid showed up, wearing all black, and and Chef thinks he's evil.
Kyle: Yeah. Look what he did to our friend, Kenny.
Kenny: Quack-quack.
Jesus: Wow. That's pretty heavy.
Stan: This new kid, he just keeps throwing things around and... saying stuff aboout his dark prince father coming. He says he wants to talk to you.
Jesus: The Dark Prince?
Stan: Yeah.
Kyle: Yeah.
Jesus: So it was written, and so the cycle of years brings the Son of the Evil One.
Stan: [To Kyle.] Whoa. Huduh now he's talking like the new kid.
Jesus: Thou must taketh me to this seedling of Satan, so mine eyes can confirm the wretched truth.
Kyle: ... K.
Scene Description: School playground
Groundskeeper: Five minutes until recess is over, you little bastards!
Scene Description: Cartman is heard speaking. Three kids look at him: Wendy, Clyde, and Brimmy, who is taking notes. Cartman stands next to an easel, pointing at drawings he made earlier. A boy with a blue hat joins them later
Cartman: Now, as you can see, the Red Mega Man uses thee... Mega Cycle, which is what Clyde will be getting me for my birthday. Wendy, you were supposed to get me the Mega Power Chopper, illustrated... here, but, I'm changing your present to the Yellow Mega Man, since Kenny has been turned into a... duck-billed platypus. That means that the Mega Man beach house, illustrated... heuh, will be a gift given by two people at once, 'cause it costs more money...
Scene Description: A football lands in front of Damien, who sets fire to it. He then points to the slide, which catches fire and sends Red into another student as Bebe looks on.
Ominous voice: Rectus... dominus... sancti...
Red: Aaaaa Bebe!
Bebe: Our slide!
Damien: Feel my wrath!
Scene Description: Damien sends a small fireball from his fingertip to the see-saw, setting it aflame and knocking off Kevin Stoley and Token.
Scene Description: Damien torches the hobby elephants. A boy with a brown hat screams as fire is set to the hobby elephant he's playing on.
Pip: [As Damien torches the hobby elephants.] Oho Damien, you shouldn't be so upset, you know. I know it's hard being the new kid, but the children may accept you someday.
Damien: I don't need acceptance. I'm the Son of Satan!
Scene Description: He torches the jungle gym. Butters screams as he falls off.
Pip: Believe me! I know what it's like not to have friends. Perhaps you should speak to the school counselor. He helps me a lot when I'm feeling lonely.
Ominous voice: ... Rectus... cheesy poofs...
Jesus: Damien!
Damien: Aaah! Son of Stench! Cursed Ruler of the weak!
Jesus: So it is thou, Son of Lucifer!
Damien: Your time on this earth is short. Soon, my father comes.
Jesus: Let him come then. I shall stop him!
Damien: Behold! He is already upon us! [Clouds begin to conceal the sun.
Kyle: Ohh, dude!
Satan: Hic dominus ampullicus unum sum. Forante onlisam dum sameli etludemus.
Scene Description: Another whirlwind comes up.
Jimbo: What the hell's going on here?
Scene Description: A crowd begins to gather.
Father Maxi: Look! It's that guy from the public access show!
Blonde: What's happening?
Chef: Come over here if you're scared, women! I'll protect you!
Scene Description: Garrison leans onto him.
Chef: Not you, dammit!
Satan: Forante onlisam dum sameli etludemus.
Damien: Jesus, my father says... he chooses you! He calls you out! Be here at this time tomorrow! Then the terms will be discussed!
Jesus: Very well. Let the final battle between Good and Evil be fought - right here in South Park!
Jimbo: Come on, Ned! We've got to get our asses to the bookie!
Scene Description: The Crowd disperses.
Stan: You're gonna fight Satan?
Jesus: This fight has been ordained since the beginning! My children, this is the most crucial and serious time... of all history.
Commercial: Who will win our souls?
Scene Description: An hourglass spins on a horizontal axis.
Commercial: Our Savior and Lord?
Scene Description: Jesus launches a fireball into the darkness.
Commercial: Or the Prince of Darkness?
Scene Description: A red demon looms over several fleeing people.
Commercial: It's the final battle between Good and Evil.
Scene Description: A black figure and a white one bump heads.
Commercial: And it's only on Pay Per View! Jesus Versus Satan! Live, from the South Park Forum on Saturday. Call now to order, only $49.95.
Scene Description: Cartman's house. The boys have just seen the commercial
Cartman: Hey, wait a minute. Saturday is my birthday party. They can't have the fight on Saturday!
Kenny: Quack-quack.
Stan: [To Kyle.] I don't know what to do, dude. Do we go to the fight, or Cartman's birthday?
Cartman: Cartman's birthday!
Kyle: We can't miss the final apocalyptic battle between Good and Evil!
Cartman: You guys, my mom is getting a Ferris wheel.
Stan: Well, come on. We have to at least see the weigh-in.
Cartman: Who the hell decided the fight had to be on Saturday, huh?! This whole thing is a plot against me, isn't it?!
Scene Description: Main St. A crowd is gathered for the weigh-in. Jesus waits for him, too
Father Maxi: When is Satan gonna show up?
Scene Description: The boys rush up.
Stan: Did the Devil show up yet?
Jesus: Not yet.
Kyle: Hey, Jesus! Ih-if you win the fight, can you turn Kenny back to normal?
Jesus: ... What the hell do you mean if I win the fight?
Cartman: Don't mind him, Jesus, he's Jewish.
Jesus: Oh.
Jimbo: We're all with you, Jesus! We put every dime we have on you beatin' that Dark Prince.
Scene Description: The crowd cheers.
Jesus: Thank you for your faith but, I think perhaps you don't understand the severity of the situation.
Father Maxi: You're gonna kick his ass, Jesus.
Scene Description: More cheering. A pillar of fire appears.
Ominous Vocie: Rectus... dominus...
Jesus: Behold. The Evil One approaches.
Satan: Yeah.
Scene Description: He appears, and the crowd gasps at his size.
Mr. Garrison: Holy poop on a stick!
Satan: Puny Son of Jehovah! Prepare to enter thy House of Pain!
Stan: Holy crap, dude. Satan is huge.
Jimbo: Now that is a man who has eaten a lot of beef!
Satan: Son of God, I will smash thy face into small little bits!
Jesus: Oh - oh yeah??
Man in crowd: Damn.
Satan: I have such delightful horrors to unleash upon thee.
Jesus: Oh yeah??
Scene Description: A scale is brought in, and Satan is directed to stand on it.
Announcer: Satan weighs in at - 320 lbs, 4 oz.
Scene Description: The crowd gasps. Satan steps off, and Jesus steps on.
Announcer: Jesus Christ weighs in at - 135 lbs., 1 oz.
Scene Description: The crowd lets out a long sigh of disappointment.
Chef: Ooh crap.
Jesus: Aw, come on! I weigh more than that.
Satan: Let the new prince be decided on Saturday. First South Park, then the world.
Scene Description: The clouds gather behind him. He then turns and walks away.
Jimbo: [Holding his ticket up.] Well-uh... I think I'll-uh uuduh-I think I left the oven on.
Mr. Garrison: Yeah, I think I left your oven on, too.
Father Maxi: Uh-ssee ya - Saturday - Jesus. Good luck.
Scene Description: The crowd breaks up.
Scene Description: The Sports Book $. Two screens are showing horse races
Man 1: Change my bet!
Man 2: I'm betting on the Devil!
Jimbo: I wanna change my bet to Satan.
Ned: Me, too.
Mr. Garrison: Wai-wa I was here first.
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, Mr. Mackey's office. Damien is in
Mr. Mackey: Now, uh, as your counselor, I want you to feel like you can tell me anything. mkay? Uh, being the new kid can be tough, but I'm your friend, m'kay?
Damien: Everybody hates me!
Mr. Mackey: Well-uh. Why do you suppose that is?
Damien: Because I'm the son of the Devil?
Mr. Mackey: Uhuh. That's a good start, why else?
Damien: Because I... burn them and kill them?
Mr. Mackey: Well yeah, maybe that's it. Wha... wha what you need to do, uh Damien, is - is to be overly nice. And no matter how mean the other kids are to you, just don't retaliate. You be passive, m'kay? That's what I taught the little British boy, Pip, and, and just look at how much the other children like him now.
Scene Description: The playground. Bebe, Kevin Stoley, Butters, and Clyde surround Pip.
Clyde: I bet I can spit the most on him.
Scene Description: Spits, and it lands on Pip's left shoulder.
Bebe: Oh yeah? I bet I can spit in his hair.
Scene Description: Spits, and it lands on his right eye.
Pip: Eho. Nice try. A little higher and you've got it.
Stan: Damn, recess sucks without any slides or nothin'.
Cartman: [Sees Damien coming.] Oh, here comes the unholy butt-hole now. Ey! Thanks a lot for burning everything down, you little bitch!
Damien: I apologize for ruining your playground. And turning your friend into a duck-billed platypus. I was doing my father's bidding. I didn't have a choice.
Scene Description: A sequence of blinks hints as to the boys' response. Cartman moves closer to Damien.
Cartman: [Farts and moves away.] Oh, excuse me new kid. I didn't mean to fart on you, I didn't have a choice!
Scene Description: Damien is angry, but restrains himself.
Stan: Phew! You stink, new kid. You smell like a fart.
Kyle: Yeah. We're gonna call you Fart-boy from now on.
Stan: Bubye, Fart-boy.
Kyle: See ya.
Pip: Good day, Damien. How are you?
Damien: Those guys farted on me, and then called me-
Pip: Fartboy? Oho good. Perhaps they won't call me that anymore.
Scene Description: Skeeter's bar; people are having drinks. Chef is at the bar talking to someone. Jesus throws open the doors and enters
Jesus: Ahm-hm-hm! Excuse me, I just talked to the bookie at the sports betting bar-
Chef: Oh ooh.
Scene Description: A woman at a nearby table whistles the same thing.
Jesus: I have been forsaken! It seems that several bets were changed to Satan this morning.
Scene Description: Two men at the bar look at each other.
Jesus: In fact, it seems that only one person in this entire town is still betting on me!
Father Maxi: You should all be ashamed of yourselves, betting against your Lord and Savior! I am disgusted!
Jesus: Your bet was changed as well. You forsaked me too!
Father Maxi: Oho... Right, well... He does have a couple of hundred pounds on you, Jesus.
Jesus: I implore you all: don't bet on the Dark One. It is a bet that you will never win.
Father Maxi: Jesus, I am sorry I have sinned against you. I'm gonna march right over to that bookie and change my bet right now!
Mr. Garrison: Oh, ye- yeah, yeah, me too, me too.
Jimbo: Yeah.
Father Maxi: Praise the Lo-hohohord! Thank you sweet Jesus for showing us the light! See ya later.
Scene Description: Jesus turns and walks out.
Father Maxi: What the hell, does he think we're all crazy?
Mr. Garrison: Yeah, crazy.
Scene Description: Bill Allen and Fosse McDonald's fathers chortle behind him.
Mr. Allen: He's so gay.
Mr. McDonald: Yeah.
Scene Description: The two men seen earlier toast the comments, and Jesus looks in once more.
Jesus: You're all a bunch of Judases!
Scene Description: Outside the bar. Jesus runs into Stan, Kyle, and Kenny
Stan: Hey, Jesus.
Jesus: What are you doing out so late, kids?
Kyle: We have to find Red and Green Mega Man for Cartman's birthday party.
Jesus: Oh. Kids, you believe I can beat Satan, right?
Stan: Sh-sure, dude, you're the Son of God.
Kyle: Yeah. You aren't having any doubts, are you?
Jesus: No, uh-no, no. But could ya help me train a little?
Scene Description: Satan's press conference. At least three television stations (4, 11, and 38) have crews present.
Reporter 1: Satan, what do expect the outcome of the fight to be?
Satan: I will crush him like a little bug!
Reporter 2: Satan, what about the rumors of your involvement in the Gulf War?
Scene Description: Satan thinks a moment, then begins to answer, but a hand covers his mouth.
Don King: Let's focus on the fight, can we please? I'm so sick of people talkin' smack about my fighters, all this 'He's mean. He's a dirty fighter. He's the cause for all the violence and death in the world.' It's just getting old. Let's just let everything be decided in the ring.
Scene Description: A training room. Jesus is working on a punching bag while Stan and Kyle look on. Cartman enters.
Cartman: You guys, shouldn't you be out shopping for my birthday presents?
Stan: Here Jesus, drink these raw eggs.
Jesus: No way, dude!
Chef: [In the ring.] Ah-ah-ah I can't. I can't hit Jesus Christ. My mother would never speak to me again.
Stan: But you're his sparring partner, Chef.
Kyle: Yeah, you have to hit him.
Jesus: Satan must be defeated, Chef! Please help me to train.
Chef: Okay. But I'm just gonna tap you. Alright?
Jesus: Give it your best sho- [Poof.] Oh! [Falls back to the floor.]
Chef: Oh! God in Heaven! What have I done?!
Jesus: Anybody get the number of that truck? [Drops his head.]
Scene Description: Cartman's birthday party; several balloons are tethered to the banner. Carnival music plays. Two elephants are present, as is the Ferris wheel, all in the backyard.
Liane: Come on, kiddies. Eat more.
Scene Description: Cartman is greeting children as they come in with his presents.
Cartman: Welcome, Clyde. Please put your present on the table to your left. Welcome, Bebe, presents go to your left. Welcome, Chef.
Chef: Yup! Here's your present, children.
Scene Description: Hands Cartman his gift.
Chef: Well, uh, nice party. Uh, see ya later.
Kyle: Hey, you just got here, Chef!
Chef: I know, but the fight is starting.
Stan: Dude, check it out. Cartman's mom made chili.
Scene Description: Liane turns to see what Stan said, and sees Chef.
Liane: Mmmmm.
Chef: Mmmmm. That's my favorite kind of chili.
Scene Description: On the sidewalk in front of Cartman's house, Damien and Pip sit.
Damien: I guess all the kids are at that fat boy's party.
Pip: Yes. It's always such a huge event. Sometimes, I like to sneak up to the fence and close my eyes, and pretend I'm there.
Damien: The other kids have always hated you?
Pip: Oh yes. Actually I think they make fun of the fat boy a lot too,... but now I think they like him because he picks on me.
Scene Description: Damien gets an idea.
Scene Description: South Park Forum.
Michael Buffer: In the blue corner, wearing white trunks, weighing in at a mere 140 lbs., Jesus, El Saviooor-rrrrrrrrrr, Christ!
Scene Description: The crowd cheers.
Michael Buffer: And in the very very blllack corner, wearing very very blllack trunks, the king of all that is evilll, Beeeeeelzebub!
Scene Description: The crowd now cheers for Satan. Jesus turns and glowers at them, and they shrink away.
Michael Buffer: Ladies and gentlemen, Lllllet's get ready to rumbllllle!!
Referee: Okay, I want a good clean fight guys. No punches below the belt, holding, or miracles.
Scene Description: The bell rings.
Scene Description: Cartman's birthday party. A carny does tricks. Damien enters with Pip in tow.
Cartman: Hey! What the hell do you think you're doing here?
Stan: Yeah, you weren't invited, new kid.
Kyle: And neither were you, Pip!
Pip: Yes. I tried to tell Damien that we weren't invited, but-
Damien: Wait a minute! Give me a chance. I want to do something special for your party.
Scene Description: His eyes flare up again.
Ominous voice: Rectus... dominus...
Scene Description: Damien taps Pip on the shoulder and the ground opens up.
Scene Description: Small demons grab Pip.
Ominous voice: ... Sancti... cheesy poofs...
Pip: Aaaa!
Scene Description: He is launched like a rocket.
Pip: Aye Aye Aye Ayeeeeeeeeeeeee!
Scene Description: He gives off fireworks.
Kyle: Wow!
Stan: Whoa, that was cool!
Scene Description: The children, Bebe, Wendy, and Clyde among them, look up and are duly impressed. They applaud.
Kyle: Hey, you're not such a bad guy after all, Damien.
Cartman: Yeah. Come on in and join the party. [Damien is pleased]
Scene Description: South Park Forum, round 2. Satan and Jesus meet up. Satan gives Jesus a hard left, throwing him against the ropes. The crowd cheers. Jesus looks back, and they are silent. Jesus turns to fight, but receives a blow in the abdomen, again stumbling to the ropes. Satan gives him a left cross. Satan stands back, and Jesus' halo now flutters all over the place.
Satan: Come on, you little wuss, fight! Throw a punch!
Scene Description: Cartman's birthday party. He is now opening his presents.
Cartman: Oooh I wonder what Stan got me for my birthday present? Oh look, a Blue Mega Maaan. Thank you, Stan, you may now eat pie and cake and ice cream now. [Stan leaves.] And what did Wendy get me? Oooh it's the Yellow Mega Maaan. Help yourself to pie and cake and ice cream, Wendy.[She leaves.] Oh, look what Kyle got me? It's the Red Mega-... Ants In The Pants? Ants In The Pan- ANTS IN THE PANTS?! [Thumps the table in anger.]
Kyle: It's a game, dude. It's really fun.
Cartman: You son of a bitch! [Lunges towards Kyle.]
Kyle: [As he is pinned by Cartman.] Aaaaa!
Cartman: You were supposed to get me the red Mega Man, eh! Now I can't make the Ultra Mega Mega Man, you dirty cheap-ass piece of crap! [Slapping him around by now.]
Kyle: They were all out of 'em dude!
Cartman: I hate you! I want you to die! Die!!
Cartman: Aah! Aaaaaggghhhhh!!
Kyle: [Sobbing.] Aaaaaaaa!
Scene Description: Cartman gets up and moves toward the center of the yard.
Cartman: That's it! Party is over!
Scene Description: The kids look glum.
Cartman: Everybody go home!
Scene Description: He turns the party switch off. Music slows to a stop, everything goes dark, and the banner floats away.
Cartman: Get the hell out, I said! The party's over! Get out goddammt!!
Scene Description: The kids exit the backyard as Cartman announces that the party is over.
Scene Description: Stan and Kyle stop.
Stan: Whoa, dude, you need to mellow out!
Cartman: Take your stupid Ants In The Pants with you!
Scene Description: Throws it at Kyle, who is felled by it. The kids regroup in front of the house.
Damien: Wow. That kid has some emotional problems.
Stan: [swings his left arm] Aaanh, he does this all the time.
Chef: Come on, children! We can still catch the end of the fight!
Scene Description: Pip descends from above.
Pip: Ooooooooooooooooooooooo uf! Ohoho, what a splendid par-ty.
Scene Description: South Park Forum, a later round. Satan gives Jesus a fierce left, launching him into the air and against the ropes again. Jesus comes forward, and Satan gives him a right to the face.
Jesus: Oh!
Scene Description: Backs up helplessly.
Satan: Fight, dammit!
Scene Description: Gives him another right to the face.
Jesus: Oow! [Satan pick him up] Ooooooh!
Scene Description: Satan throws him against the rope, then gives him another right to the face. Jesus now has a swollen left eye.
Scene Description: Stan, Kyle, and Kenny approach Jesus' corner.
Stan: Dude, Jesus is getting his butt kicked! [The round ends.] You've got to fight, Jesus.
Jesus: Why? What's the point? Nobody believes in me. Everyone put their money on Satan. My Father forsaked me, the town forsaked me... I'm completely forsook.
Kyle: Somebody bet on you, Jesus. You said yourself that one person still had money on you.
Jesus: It doesn't matter. He's way too strong for me anyway-I give up.
Stan: Goddammit Jesus, snap out of it! What would Nancy Kerrigan do, huh? Nancy Kerrigan wouldn't give up. When things were looking their darkest, Nancy Kerrigan fought to be the best. [Kyle looks at him.] She wouldn't stop until she was Number One!
Kyle: Uuuuh. Stan?
Stan: Nancy Kerrigan wouldn't settle for second-best!
Kyle: Stan.
Stan: She wouldn't quit until she brought home the gold!
Kyle: Stan!
Stan: [Turning to Kyle.] What?
Kyle: Nancy Kerrigan got the silver, dude. She came in second.
Stan: [Thinks a moment.] ... Really?
Kyle: Yeah, dude!
Stan: Hoh, never mind, Jesus. Nancy Kerrigan sucks.
Scene Description: Jesus takes a ladleful of water from a pail next to him.
Stan: You know, somebody once said. 'Don't try to be a great man, just be a man'.
Jesus: ... Who said that?
Stan: You did, Jesus.
Scene Description: Jesus ponders these words as he looks at Satan.
Jesus: You're right, Stan. Thank you, boys!
Scene Description: He gets up as the next round begins and fights without his halo.
Kyle: Wow. Did he say that in the Bible?
Stan: Nah, I saw it on Star Trek.
Kyle: Hmmm.
Scene Description: Satan takes a couple of swings at Jesus, but Jesus ducks them.
Satan: Come on, sissy. Hit me! Hit me!
Jesus: Okay, pal. You asked for it!
Scene Description: The crowd looks on as Jesus prepares to punch Satan. Jesus delivers the blow, but nothing happens. The sound of escaping air is heard. Stan just buries his head in his hands in disbelief.
Scene Description: Satan protecting his ribs.
Satan: Ooooooh, you got me.
Scene Description: He drops flat on his back.
Referee: One... Two... Three...
Jimbo: No way! He barely touched him!
Referee: ... Seven... Eight.
Scene Description: Satan opens his left eye, then closes it again.
Referee: ... Nine... Ten. You're out!
Scene Description: The match ends, and Jesus jumps up in victory.
Stan, Kyle: Our Savior!
Michael Buffer: The winner by knockout and still undisputed ruler of your spiritual kingdommmm, Jesus, El Saviooor-rrrrrrrrrr, Christ!
Scene Description: Satan pops right back up.
Mr. Garrison: Hey, he isn't hurt. He took a dive, he threw the fight!
Jimbo: Yeah!
Satan: Fools! You are all fools! Of course I took a dive. Don't you see? Who do you think was the one person that bet on Jesus to win?
Scene Description: The crowd wonders.
Satan: Me, you idiots! And now I will take all your hard-earned money, and return to Hell a much richer Prince of Darkness, and buy some realty. HA HA HA HA HAA!
Scene Description: Satan dances out of the ring.
Father Maxi: I don't believe this!
Mr. Garrison: Yeah, what a mean thing to do!
Satan: [Now on the Forum floor.] Farewell, fools!
Jimbo: Man, that guy is a jerk.
Scene Description: Satan dances away and Stan enters the ring.
Stan: [Over the microphone.] Jesus told you guys not to bet on Satan.
Mr. Garrison: Boy, did we get screwed.
Chef: Jesus, we're sorry. Can you ever forgive us?
Jesus: Aw heck. [Puts his halo back on.] Do I have a choice?
Scene Description: The crowd cheers with relief.
Jimbo: Well, Jesus, I definitely learned my lesson. Neeever bet on evil, 'cause when you d- Ned! Look, there's a rare duck-billed platypus!
Scene Description: Kenny is highlighted.
Jimbo: Ih-it's comin' right for us!
Scene Description: Jimbo pulls out a semi-automatic and fires away at Kenny. Kenny is soon on the floor with his head blown off.
Stan: Oh my God, they killed Kenny.
Kyle: You bastard!
Damien: Well, goodbye, guys. It was nice getting to know you.
Scene Description: Rats swarm all over Kenny's head.
Stan: You're leaving already?
Damien: I have to. My dad's always on the move.
Scene Description: The rats leave also.
Stan: Wow. I feel kinda bad for that kid.
Kyle: Yeah. Just when he was being accepted he has to leave and start over.
Stan: Parents can be so cruel. Don't they realize that what a child needs more than anything is security?
Scene Description: Cartman's backyard. He's the only one at the picnic table, and it's still full of food. Cartman looks full, though.
Liane: More pie, hon?
Cartman: Eh... n-yeh. No... more... pie... eheh... seriously.


Scene Description: South Park Elementary, the classroom.
Wendy: Stan, you know it's almost Valentine's Day.
Stan: I know.
Wendy: Maybe we should go on a cruise or something.
Scene Description: Some sentimental music plays.
Stan: I can't afford a cruise, dude.
Wendy: I know, but...we can make a little boat out of cardboard and pretend it's a cruise.
Scene Description: Cartman roars with hysterical laughter.
Stan: Shut up, Cartman!
Cartman: [still laughing] That is so-ho lame!
Scene Description: He settles down and wipes away some tears of joy.
Cartman: Oh man, I...
Wendy: -and then we can dress up in little costumes and pretend we're getting married.
Scene Description: Cartman is roaring with laughter once again and falls off his chair.
Cartman: Stop, seriously; you're killing me all the time.
Principal Victoria: [Rushing in.] Children, I have some difficult news for you. Mr. Garrison won't be teaching for a while. He has to have surgery.
Scene Description: The class erupts in cheers.
Principal Victoria: So you're going to have a substitute teacher.
Scene Description: The class sighs.
Principal Victoria: And I want you to show the substitute the same respect you show for Mr. Garrison.
Scene Description: Kyle raises his hand.
Principal Victoria: Yes, little boy?
Kyle: We don't have respect for Mr. Garrison.
Principal Victoria: ...Oh. Anywho, I want you all to meet your new substitute, Ms. Ellen.
Scene Description: She enters and stands before the class.
Ms. Ellen: [Brightly.] Hello, children.
Scene Description: The boys perk up.
Stan, Kyle: Whoa!
Cartman: [Slowly.] Wow, she's pretty.
Kenny: (Damn, I'd like to get a taste of her!)
Stan: You can say that again.
Kenny: (Damn, I'd like to get a taste of her!)
Principal Victoria: Good luck, Ms. Ellen. If they get out of control, just use this tear gas, okay.
Scene Description: Principal Victoria places it next to the apple.
Ms. Ellen: Thank you! I'm sure I'll be fine.
Scene Description: The boys get dreamy and smile big, even Kenny.
Ms. Ellen: Now, children, I know that you must be very upset about your teacher having surgery,
Scene Description: The boys are in love.
Ms. Ellen: ...but I promise I'll try to make things as easy as possible for all of us.
Scene Description: Wendy starts to notice.
Wendy: [Gasps.] Stan? Stan?!
Ms. Ellen: Now, let me try and learn your names by your seating assignments. You arrre Eric...Cartman?
Cartman: [Brightly.] Yes, ma'am.
Ms. Ellen: Okay aaand you must be Stan Marsh.
Stan: Yeu-bluuuch.
Scene Description: Wendy is taken aback. Stan has barfed only for her before.
Ms. Ellen: [A moment later.] Do you need to go to the nurse's office, Stanley?
Cartman: Noh, he always pukes when he's in love.
Stan: I'll kick your ass, Cartman!
Scene Description: Wendy is sad.
Ms. Ellen: So you're alright?
Stan: Bluuuch.
Scene Description: Wendy looks forward, wondering why...
Kyle: Dude, you had waffles for breakfast, huh?!
Scene Description: Tom's Rhinoplasty
Mr. Garrison: Oh, I have to admit I'm still embarrassed about getting a nose job, Tom. I didn't want people at school to know, so I told them I had herpes.
Tom: You shouldn't be embarrassed, Mr. Garrison. People have cosmetic surgery all the time. Before we start, this computer can help you pick what kind of nose you want.
Scene Description: Tom touches the screen, and Mr. Garrison's face pops up, then a side view emerges.
Mr. Garrison: Wow! Isn't that amazing Mr. Hat?
Mr. Hat: It sure is, Mr. Garrison!
Tom: Now, we could go with something a little smaller, which would make you look like this.
Scene Description: The nose on his image is shrunk.
Mr. Garrison: Hmmm.
Tom: Or we could straighten out the bridge, which would make you look like this.
Scene Description: The nose is straightened.
Mr. Garrison: Oh, that's not bad.
Tom: Of course, we could narrow the bridge, which would make you look more like this.
Scene Description: The nose is narrowed, at which point an image of David Hasselhoff appears. A flourish is added for effect.
Mr. Garrison: WOW! That's it! That's the nose I want!
Tom: Alright-y then.
Scene Description: Tom resets the program. The computer turns itself off.
Tom: Now I must warn you, Mr. Garrison, that there are risks. You could wind up a hideous, foul shadow of a creature, so terrifyingly ugly that you're forced to live in the sewers, only emerging at nighttime for scraps of food.
Mr. Garrison: I can live with that.
Tom: [Excitedly.] Alrighty then, let's get started!
Scene Description: They go off to the operating room.
Scene Description: The school playground. The kids are at play. The boys stand before the jungle gym.
Cartman: She wasn't looking at you, butt-lord, she was looking at me!
Kyle: Well that goes without saying, fat-ass, how could she help but look at you!
Stan: You guy can stop fighting. It was me she was checking out!
Cartman: Until you puked on her.
Chef: [Approaching.] Hello there, children! What's all this I'm hearing about a new teacher?
Kyle: Ms. Ellen, dude! She's beautiful!
Scene Description: Wendy looks at him from the swings, then looks down.
Chef: Is she like uh - Vanessa Williams beautiful or-uh Toni Braxton beautiful? Or Pamela Anderson beautiful? ...Or - is she Erin Grey in the second season of Buck Rogers beautiful?
Stan: Yeah, that one!
Chef: Wooof! I've got to meet this woman.
Wendy: [Approaching.] Stan, didn't you notice how her left arm is longer than the right one?
Stan: No.
Wendy: Well it is!
Chef: That's okay. You know what they say about women with one arm longer than the other...
Kenny: (Yeah, they totally kick ass at spanking!)
Chef: Thaat's right!
Wendy: Well, did you notice that mole on the back of her neck with the hair growing out of it?
Chef: That's okay. you know what they say about women with the mole on the back of their necks with hair growing out of it...
Scene Description: Kenny looks up at Chef and simply shrugs.
Wendy: [Panicking a little.] Stan? We're still Valentines, right?
Stan: Sure, Wendy, whatever.
Kyle: Hey! We should buy Ms. Ellen Valentine's Day presents
Scene Description: He turns right and starts walking away.
Stan: Yeah! We'll go to the mall tonight!
Scene Description: Stan follows him out.
Cartman: I'm gonna buy a vacuum cleaner, chicks like vacuum cleaners
Scene Description: Cartman's voice trails off as he follows his friends away. Chef leaves as well, Wendy takes a step to go with them, but stops and ponders her relationship with Stan. A tear wells up in her eye, then falls as she sniffs.
Female singer: I remember when we were still in love The moments that we shared were timeless. Saw it in the wind, knew it in a glance, the songs we sang were simple reminders.
(Montage): [Moments from Wendy's time with Stan, Part I (he throws up every time)] Stark's Pond: she comes up behind him and says, "Hi, Stan" Stark's Pond: she asks him to come with her (to get Cartman) Cafeteria: she hands him a note (an invitation to Stark's Pond) Cemetery: amid a field of dead zombies, she puckers up Classroom: she hands him a daisy (he throws up with every step she takes)
Female singer: I can't stop now [Wendy is still sobbing] My heart's awake I feel your arms My arms to take I must have changed...
(Montage): [Moments from Wendy's time with Stan, Part II (he throws up every time)] A vivid sunset: she snuggles up to him on the limb of a tree Football practice: she cheers him on, he throws up, she looks away for an instant, and Cartman tackles him. Cafeteria: he throws up as she approaches; she slips in it and falls flat on her back Playground: Stan and Kyle are working those hobby elephants furiously when Wendy and Bebe approach (he threw up on her thrice a time) Woods: Stan and Wendy pucker up to kiss (after they got Ike back)
Female singer: ...Even when love is the same. [Wendy sheds another tear, then turns left and walks away]
Scene Description: Classroom. Ms. Ellen is writing away on the blackboard. The boys are smiling broadly. The camera zooms in on the reason why. Ms. Ellen stops writing, but the boys are still smiling.
Ms. Ellen: Oohhh, goodness. Would anybody mind cleaning my erasers after class?
Cartman: [Eagerly.] Memememememe, me!
Bebe: You guys are so immature! Act like eight-year olds!
Ms. Ellen: Stan, how about you?
Stan: Bluuch! I'd love to.
Scene Description: Wendy turns angry.
Ms. Ellen: Now, children, let's review our multiplication tables.
Scene Description: Cartman raises his hand.
Ms. Ellen: Cartman?
Cartman: What's a multiplication table?
Ms. Ellen: Didn't Mr. Garrison teach multiplication?
Scene Description: The class stares back. Kevin slowly shakes his head.
Ms. Ellen: Well, where did he leave off?
Cartman: We were learning about how Yasmine Bleeth is going out with that...Richard Grieco guy that used to be on 21 Jump Street but then he got his own show for just a little while-
Scene Description: The door opens and Chef appears. The class looks at him.
Chef: Oh, hello.
Ms. Ellen: Can I help you?
Chef: [Eyebrows aflutter.] I'm Chef.
Ms. Ellen: Aand?
Chef: I just uuuh - I stopped by 'cause little Kyle forgot his laundry detergent on the playground.
Kyle: My laundry detergent?
Stan: That's not Kyle's...
Chef: Sshh. Crazy cracker's always leavin' that detergent all over the place.
Scene Description: Drops off a box of "Whitey's Washing Detergent" on Kyle's desk, then walks over to Ms. Ellen.
Chef: What was your name again?
Cartman: Uh-oh. Chef's moving in on Ms. Ellen.
Ms. Ellen: I'mm the substitute.
Chef: Well, I'm sure there's no substitute for you.
Ms. Ellen: That's very nice, Mr. Chef, now, if you're...finished-
Chef (falsetto): [Music starts and he starts to sway] Nobody could take your place No way they could match your face, no You've got it going on in a way so clear, I just want to buy you a beer... Uh maybe tonight, at 7:30 or something I could uh - come by and uh - Pick you up in my caa-a-aaaa-aa-aa-aa-aaar (No substitute) No substitute for you (No substitute) No, baby, there's (No substitute) For you girl (No substitute) for you now You know that it's true (No substitute) There's just, no substitute for You!
Stan: We've got to learn how to do that, dude!
Kyle: Yup!
Ms. Ellen: That was enthralling, Mr. Chef, but...could I get back to teaching now?
Chef: If we can have dinner tonight.
Ms. Ellen: Fine, Chef. [He grins.] Just let me do my job before I get fired.
Cartman: Oh, weak! Chef's gonna make sweet love to Ms. Ellen!
Ms. Ellen: Wwhat?!
Scene Description: Tom's Rhinoplasty. Mr. Garrison comes to, but his head is still in bandages.
Tom: Mr. Garrison. Mr. Garrison.
Mr. Garrison: Where-eh, where am I?
Tom: The operation is over, Mr. Garrison.
Mr. Garrison: Uuf, I feel weak. How do I look?
Tom: You look great!
Mr. Garrison: Ah-I feel kinda nauseous.
Tom: Yes? Well, that's to be expected. We did some major reconstruction, sawed through some bone, snapped some cartilage...
Mr. Garrison: Aauugh-huh.
Tom: ...all the blood and mucus just the sound of bone and sinew coming apart.
Scene Description: Starts making sound effects of tearing flesh.
Mr. Garrison: UUUUUuuuuuugh
Tom: By the way, did you ever see that movie Contact?
Scene Description: Mr. Garrison pops up and turns to the side of the bed.
Mr. Garrison: Bluuuch...Bluuuch...Bluuuch...Oh, stop, that movie was terrible!
Tom: I'm sorry, Mr. Garrison. Why don't you get some rest.
Scene Description: Mr. Garrison lies down.
Tom: I'll check on you a little later.
Scene Description: Tom walks out.
Mr. Garrison: Wuch, uch. Boy I had to see the entire movie to see the alien and it was her goddamned father!
Scene Description: Classroom. The school bell has rung and the kids are leaving
Ms. Ellen: Okay, kids, remember your homework. We have a lot of catching-up to do.
Cartman: [Enunciating.] Good-bye, Ms. Ellen.
Kyle: [Looks back.] Stop kissing ass, Cartman!
Cartman: I'm not kissing ass, you stupid slut!
Scene Description: The students all exit, except Wendy.
Wendy: Ms. Ellen, can I talk to you?
Ms. Ellen: Of course, Wendy.
Scene Description: Wendy sits next to the teacher's desk.
Wendy: I couldn't help but notice you taking a liking to my boyfriend, Stan.
Ms. Ellen: Ohhh. Well, I've taken a liking to all of you. You're all so young and cute and full of life...
Wendy: Can I tell you something, Ms. Ellen?
Ms. Ellen: Of course, Wendy.
Scene Description: They reach out towards each other. Wendy angrily flips her off.
Wendy: Don't fuck with me!
Ms. Ellen: [Stunned.] Wha?
Wendy: You heard me! Stay away from my man, bitch, or I'll whup your sorry little ass back to last year!
Scene Description: Ms. Ellen is shocked. Wendy drops from the chair and leaves.
Scene Description: '[Sweetly.] Bye, Ms. Ellen.
Scene Description: Day two, the classroom.
Ms. Ellen: Well, I certainly want to thank all you lovely children for the presents you got me.
Scene Description: A pile of gifts sits on the teacher's desk. Smiles flash onto the boys' faces. She opens the first gift.
Ms. Ellen: Ohhh. What a delightful scarf. Thank you, Kyle.
Scene Description: He's dancing blissfully in his sea.
Stan: [Feigning clearing his throat.] Pf-looser gift, pf-looser gift.
Ms. Ellen: And here's one from Kenny. [She opens it.] Oh, thank you very much, Kenny, this is a very scrumptious-looking sausage.
Scene Description: He laughs, sure that she got the hint.
Ms. Ellen: Oh, and what a nice alarm clock. Thank you, Stan.
Stan: Bluuch.
Scene Description: Losing patience, Wendy thumps her desk and glares at him.
Ms. Ellen: And here's another present...from Wendy. [She opens it.] Oh. Why, it's a dead animal.
Scene Description: Holds it up for all to see.
Ms. Ellen: Thank you, Wendy.
Scene Description: Wendy is now irate that Ms. Ellen didn't fold.
Stan: See? She liked my present the best!
Kyle: Where's your present, Cartman?
Cartman: Oh, well, I got Ms. Ellen a chocolate pie, but uuuuh-I left it at home.
Scene Description: The left corner of his mouth tells a different story.
Ms. Ellen: Okay, kids. We're gonna take a spelling test now. [All gasp.] But as an extra incentive I'm gonna take whoever gets the highest score on the quiz out to dinner.
Scene Description: The boys except Cartman perk up.
Cartman: Oh, man, I wish I knew how to spell.
Ms. Ellen: Are there any questions before we begin?
Scene Description: Wendy raises her hand.
Ms. Ellen: Yes, Wendy?
Wendy: When someone gets as old as you,
Scene Description: Cartman takes a bite out of the chocolate pie.
Wendy: Do they have to wear Depends undergarments?
Scene Description: Ms. Ellen looks dismayed. Wendy just looks back.
Scene Description: The Cafeteria. The boys are in line for lunch
Kyle: Dude! I aced that test! I'm gonna win that dinner with Ms. Ellen!
Stan: No you're not! I don't think I missed any!
Scene Description: Wendy approaches with Bebe, both carrying their lunches.
Wendy: Hi, Stan.
Stan: I bet I scored 100!
Wendy: HI, STAN!
Stan: Oh, hi, Wendy.
Wendy: I was just in the bathroom, and Ms. Ellen was in there taking the biggest dump I've ever seen.
Kyle: No, she wasn't!
Wendy: Yes, she was!
Stan: That's impossible!
Wendy: Well, she did! And she has horrible, horrible gas, too! She says she can't control it!
Cartman: Nuh-uh!
Wendy: It smells like a dead calf rotting in the hot sun!
Kyle: Oh cool.
Cartman: Hey Wendy, seriously, you need to stop with this whole jealousy thing!
Kyle: Yeah. You're acting like a freak, Wendy.
Wendy: NO I'M NOT ACTING LIKE A FREEEAK!!!
Scene Description: She realizes she has made a spectacle of herself as her voice echoes all over the room. Everyone in the cafetera looks at her. She moves away, humbled. Bebe follows.
Cartman: Damn, man, someone's got to pull that monkey out of Wendy's ass.
Scene Description: They go in to get their lunches.
Chef: [Somberly.] Hello there, children.
Cartman: Oh, hi, Chef.
Kyle: How did your date with Ms. Ellen go?
Chef: Not too good.
Stan: What happened? Didn't you make sweet love to her?
Chef: No, nono, she's not like that. You see... uh, how do I put this? Children,... Ms. Ellen doesn't exactly play for the right team.
Scene Description: They wait...
Chef: Ih-ih-ih-in in other words, children, she's not a member of the...heterosexual persuasion.
Scene Description: They just blink at him.
Chef: Don't you understand? She's a lesbian.
Stan: A whatbian?
Kyle: A plebeian?
Chef: You boys don't know what a lesbian is?
Stan: Kenny?
Scene Description: Kenny throws his palms up. He doesn't know, either.
Stan: No, explain it to us, Chef.
Chef: Hud-that-that's okay. Uhd-uh, look. All you need to know is, Ms. Ellen's a lesbian, and that means she only likes other lesbians.
Stan: Oh.
Chef: Now move along, children, you're holding up the line!
Scene Description: They head back into the cafeteria.
Kyle: Weak, dude. She only likes other lesbians?
Stan: Hey, man. If she only likes other lesbians, then all we gotta do is become lesbians, too!
Kyle: Hey, yeah!
Cartman: You guys. Ya know what? My grandma was Dutch Irish, and my grandpa was lesbian - that makes me quarter-lesbian.
Stan: You're just saying that, Cartman.
Kyle: Yeah, you're not a lesbian, fat-ass.
Cartman: I am, too!
Scene Description: Tom's Rhinoplasty
Tom: Okay, only a few more bandages to go.
Mr. Garrison: Well?
Tom: Take a look for yourself.
Scene Description: Mr. Garrison takes the mirror and sees a reflection of himself - as David Hasselhoff. He will look this way from now on.
Mr. Garrison: Wwooww, that's a pretty good nose job. What do you think, Mr. Hat?
Mr. Hat: I think it looks great.
Tom: Yes. I think once the swelling goes down you'll really notice the difference.
Scene Description: Cartman's house, after school. He's on the living room floor licking the carpet. His friends enter.
Stan: What the hell are you doing, Cartman?
Cartman: My mom said if you want to become a lesbian you have to lick carpet.
Kyle: Really?
Stan: Well I got a...Indi-glo...Girls CD. The guy at the record store said it was perfect.
Scene Description: He pops the CD into the stereo.
Kyle: And I got these killer Birken-stocks.
Scene Description: Stan and Kyle promptly join Cartman on the floor. Kenny studies them for a moment, drops down and thinks a bit, then starts licking.
Indiglo Girls singer: I woke up very early one Sunday morn...
Cartman: This is a bunch of crap! I've been licking this carpet for three hours and I still don't feel like a lesbian!
Scene Description: Sidewalk. The camera focuses on a pair of feet as they begin to move. The camera pans up to reveal Mr. Garrison walking down the street to the beat of Andy Gibb's Shadow Dancing. He stops by a woman in a yellow blouse and red skirt.
Mr. Garrison: Hi, Mrs. Campbell.
Mrs. Campbell: [Breathlessly.] Oh, How-dy Mr. Garrison. Se-hey, honey, you look kinda differe-hent-huh.
Mr. Garrison: Really?
Mrs. Campbell: Did you get a haircut?
Mr. Garrison: No, but thanks for asking.
Scene Description: He moves down the street.
Mrs. Campbell: [Waving at him.] Call me! I'm in the book!
Mr. Garrison: Wow, Mr. Hat. Having a nose job is even better than I thought. There's a whole world of opportunity opening up in front of us.
Scene Description: Wendy's house. Bebe is at the door
Wendy: Thanks for coming over, Bebe.
Scene Description: She follows Wendy to the sofa.
Bebe: That's okay, Wendy. I brought my makeup kit like you asked me. What are we doing, anyway?
Wendy: That mean old substitute isn't going to stop until she takes everything from me, Bebe.
Bebe: Really?
Wendy: Yeah. What I'd really like to do is load her into a rocket and have her shoot into the center of the sun. But instead, I'll just get Stan to notice me again. Bebe, I need a makeover.
Bebe: Oh, cool.
Scene Description: Day three, the classroom.
Stan: I can't wait for Ms. Ellen to see what a raging lesbian I am.
Cartman: I'm a bigger lesbian than you!
Stan: No, you're a fatter lesbian than me.
Kyle: Screw you guys, I'm king lesbian!
Clyde: Whoa.
Scene Description: All eyes look right.
Clyde: Is that Wendy Testaburger?
Scene Description: Heads turn. Cartman smiles, Wendy had a makeover all right. She comes in dressed in a two-piece leather suit, blush, eyeshadow... A (candy?) cigarette hangs from her lips and her hair is feathered out. She walks in with an air of sophistication and then takes out the cigarette. A smoky tune plays as she enters. The guys in class are rather pleased at this makeover.
Wendy: Hi guys, what's up?
Cartman: Wow. Wendy looks just like that chick from Grease, Elton John.
Scene Description: Stan smiles and his eyes follow her to her desk.
Stan: Wow. Hi, Wendy.
Wendy: Oh. Hi, Stan.
Scene Description: She turns to Bebe and whispers.
Wendy: I think it worked, Bebe.
Bebe: [Pleased.] Yeah.
Ms. Ellen: Good morning, children.
Scene Description: She, too, comes in wearing a two-piece leather suit.
Stan: Wow!
Scene Description: Wendy and Bebe are devastated.
Cartman: Dang! That's nice!
Kyle: Yeah!
Ms. Ellen: Oh, Wendy! You wore black leather, too!
Scene Description: Wendy is mortified.
Ms. Ellen: We're like sisters!
Wendy: DIE!!
Scene Description: Stan rests his head on his hands and melts into a wavy smile while Cartman is overjoyed.
Ms. Ellen: All right, kids, I've finished grading your papers and the person with the highest score is-
Mr. Garrison: Hello there, children!
Scene Description: Shadow Dancing starts up again and he dances. The class just looks at him.
Stan: Oh, no, Mr. Garrison's back.
Cartman: Oh, weak, dude!
Wendy: Hooray! Hooray! Hooray for Mr. Garrison!
Scene Description: Triumphal music plays as she leaps out of her desk and somersaults her way to the teacher's desk. She lands next to Ms. Ellen, she starts doing a little cheer.
Wendy: He's back! He's back! Mr. Garrison is back! So loong, substitute. Don't let the door hit your ass on the way out, now.
Mr. Garrison: Children, I have a very important announcement to make.
Scene Description: The class listens.
Mr. Garrison: I'm quitting my job as a teacher.
Scene Description: All gasp and the music dies.
Wendy: Wwhat?
Mr. Garrison: It's strange, but suddenly I feel really confident about myself, and I've decided to quit teaching, and do what I've always dreamed of doing: hang out and screw hot chicks.
Wendy: You...you can't.
Mr. Garrison: But the good news is,
Scene Description: Principal Victoria appears at the door.
Mr. Garrison: I've already talked to Principal Victoria about it and Ms. Ellen can stay on as your permanent teacher.
Scene Description: Stan smiles.
Class: Hooray!
Scene Description: Wendy is deflated again.
Ms. Ellen: Really?
Principal Victoria: That's right. Will you stay?
Ms. Ellen: Wel...sure!
Scene Description: Wendy can barely contain herself.
Wendy: Noooo! Noooo!
Ms. Ellen: Oh. By the way, kids, the person who scored highest on the quiz and gets to have dinner on me...is...Stan.
Stan: Bluuch. Kick ass!
Wendy: Nooo!! Nooo!!
Principal Victoria: Oh, and Wendy, I almost forgot, we just got a call in the office: your grandma just died.
Wendy: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!
Principal Victoria: Oh, my! What an exciting day!
Scene Description: Mr. Garrison is in a photo shoot, posing away as Shadow Dancing plays.
Photographer: Great, baby, you're looking great!
Mr. Garrison: I'm a lady killer, Mr. Hat.
Mr. Hat: You can say that again, Mr. Garrison.
Photographer: Okay, just a few hundred more shots and we'll be done!
Mr. Garrison: A few hundred?
Photographer: Hey, that's the life of a model, baby.
Mr. Garrison: Hoh, boy, I'm gonna need some more smack.
Photographer: You've got it! [The photo-shoot continues.]
Scene Description: Dinner at King Jimmy's Buffet. Stan and Ms. Ellen are at a booth. Dinner music is playing while thunder rolls by.
Ms. Ellen: I'm - very - glad we can have dinner together, Stanley. I want you to know that I really care about your education.
Stan: Are we making love now?
Ms. Ellen: Excuse me?
Stan: They don't have a fireplace here; we shouldn't be making love yet.
Ms. Ellen: What are you talking about?
Stan: You have to make love down by the fire, that's what Chef always says.
Ms. Ellen: Stan, I'm your teacher, okay? We're only friends.
Stan: But why?
Ms. Ellen: Well first of all, you're eight.
Stan: It's because I'm not a lesbian, isn't it?
Ms. Ellen: Oh boy.
Scene Description: Wendy stands outside the restaurant looking at the pair through a window clear across the room. The music takes on a somber tone.
Wendy: It's over. I give up.
Scene Description: She turns and walks away.
Scene Description: Day four, the center of town. Mr. Garrsion leans against a mailbox.
Mr. Garrison: Boy I'll tell you something Mr. Hat. Being hot and sexy is fun for a while, but it sure does get boring.
Mr. Hat: You can say that again, Mr. Garrison.
Scene Description: A crowd of women is heard coming Garrison's way.
Mr. Garrison: What the...?
Scene Description: The women appear and mob Mr. Garrison.
Mr. Garrison: Whoa-hey-way-wait-aaah.
Scene Description: They rip open his shirt.
Mr. Garrison: Aaaah. Mr. Hat! Save yourself!
Scene Description: Mr. Hat flies out of the fray.
Scene Description: The classroom. Students are filing in and going to their seats
Kyle: So how'd your date with Ms. Ellen go?
Cartman: Did you make love?
Stan: I think so.
Cartman: No way!
Stan: Yup.
Kyle: Down by the fire?
Stan: Yup.
Kenny: (And did you stick it in right when the fireplace gave you the shadow light?)
Stan: Did I what?
Scene Description: Ms. Ellen enters.
Ms. Ellen: Good morning, children.
Scene Description: Wendy approaches subdued.
Wendy: Ms. Ellen. Can I talk to you?
Ms. Ellen: Sure, but...can't it wait until after class, Wendy?
Wendy: No. I just have to apologize for the way I've been acting.
Ms. Ellen: Oh, that's okay, Wendy.
Wendy: No, it's not. Since you're here to stay, I just hope we can be friends.
Ms. Ellen: Well, I would love that, Wendy.
Wendy: And - ahem - I want to apologize to everybody. The way I acted was wrong,
Scene Description: Stan frowns. Sad music plays.
Wendy: ...and I've learned from it.
Scene Description: Her eyes begin to well up with tears.
Wendy: I just wish...Stan, and Ms. Ellen, would have all the happiness in the world.
Ms. Ellen: Wendy, there's nothing between me and Stan!
Cartman: That's not what we just heard!
Scene Description: The sidewalk. Mr. Garrison is next to a trash can. His shirt and pants are torn to bits. The top of Mr. Hat's hat is missing.
Mr. Garrison: Hoh, Mr. Hat, I hate this! I wish I'd never had a nose job.
Scene Description: The women find him and rush towards him.
Woman: Oh my God, did he...?
Mr. Garrison: Damn this beautiful face of mine! Damn it to hell!!
Scene Description: He pants.
Mr. Garrison: We have to get the surgery again, Mr. Hat. I want to be the old me again!
Scene Description: He enters Ton's Rhinoplasty again, the women rush by, and he peeks out from behind the window. So much for looking like David Hasselhoff...
Scene Description: The classroom.
Ms. Ellen: Okay, children, let's catch up on our cursive handwriting.
Scene Description: A commotion is heard in the hall, then Arab soldiers burst through the door and pour into the classroom with their swords drawn.
Leader: Down! Down! Everybody down!
Cartman: What the hell...?
Scene Description: Everybody drops down below their desks.
Leader: So! We meet again, Ms. Ellen!
Principal Victoria: And just what is going on here, mister?
Leader: I am Hakeem Korashki, of the mighty nation of Iraq! This woman is a traitor to our government!
Ms. Ellen: It's a lie!
Korashki: She has killed thousands, and will kill again, I assure you!
Principal Victoria: Ms. Ellen, is this true?
Ms. Ellen: Nooo!
Korashki: We must take her back to Iraq immediately!
Wendy: Oh, coool!
Ms. Ellen: Principal Victoria, please.
Korashki: Here is a black-and-white photo of Ms. Ellen with our leader. [Shows photo.] Her real name is Makesh Alak Makarakesh.
Principal Victoria: Well, Ms. Makaraqesh, you certainly tried to put one over on us, boy howdy. Take her away!
Ms. Ellen: NOOOO!!
Scene Description: She grabs the scimitar away from a soldier.
Ms. Ellen: GET AWAY FROM ME!! UUGH!!
Scene Description: The scimitar leaves her hand and heads for Kenny. It pierces him right above the nose, picks him up, and pins him to the back wall.
Stan: Oh my God, she killed Kenny!
Kyle: You bastard!
Scene Description: Ms. Ellen is being dragged out the door by the soldeirs.
Ms. Ellen: NOOOOOOO!!
Wendy: Wow.
Scene Description: The kids take their seats.
Wendy: What incredible irony.
Scene Description: School entrance. helicopters are hovering around, an ambulance and Officer Barbrady hold the crowd back. Stan is standing next to Wendy.
Stan: Wow. I can't believe Ms. Ellen was a criminal Iraqi fugitive.
Wendy: Yeah, you just never know.
Stan: Well, I guess I'm sorry that I was ignoring you and stuff.
Wendy: Happy Valentine's Day, Staan.
Scene Description: She turns to kiss him. He turns to kiss her. Wendy's theme plays. They get closer, then...
Stan: Bluuuuch!
Scene Description: Right in her mouth.
Wendy: Eeewwww!
Scene Description: Wendy quickly wipes the vomit from her mouth, Stan looks away, embarrased.
Stan: Sorry.
Wendy: No, it's okay, Stan!
Scene Description: Stan looks at her.
Wendy: Everything's going to be o-kay!
Kyle: Cartman, are you still trying to become a lesbian?!
Scene Description: Cartman takes a big bite out of a cardboard box.
Cartman: Yeah, dude! My mom says all I have to do is chow on this box.
Scene Description: Iraqi desert. Military maneuvers are taking place. The camera stops at a rocket waiting to be launched.
Korashki: For crimes against this country, you are hereby sentenced to be shot into the center of the sun!
Ms. Ellen: Egh.
Scene Description: She is moved to the rocket.
Ms. Ellen: This is all a mistake!
Scene Description: She is thrown in the rocket.
Ms. Ellen: This can't be happening!
Scene Description: She pops up, the rocket door is shut, and the rocket is fired up.
Ms. Ellen: Pleease! For the love of God!
Korashki: Shove off!!
Scene Description: The rocket takes off and heads for the sun.
Scene Description: Wendy's house, pool party
Mrs. Campbell: Wo-hoo-hoo! Great party, Wendy!
Wendy: Thanks, Mrs. Campbell. Thanks for helping me get Mr. Garrison to come back as a teacher.
Mrs. Campbell: Anything for you, sugar-pie!
Scene Description: Wendy sees Kyle come up.
Wendy: Oh, hi, Kyle!
Kyle: I've been thinking, Wendy. This whole outcome is pretty strange.
Wendy: U-huh. Excuse me.
Scene Description: Some Iraqi soldiers approach to talk to Wendy.
Wendy: Ka fahra qehlaq hemblaq!
Iraqi: Ka fahra qetlaq humblaq! [Greetings...]
Wendy: Laq hemblaq henlaq henlalah qemblaq!
Iraqi: Kuhla shaluah lakhenblaturtulah!
Wendy: Kaqemblaq!
Scene Description: Wendy throws them a wad of bills.
Iraqi: Ah, laqeh blakatah!
Scene Description: They walk away miffed.
Kyle: How is it that Ms. Ellen was suddenly arrested for being an Iraq-
Wendy: Wait, wait!
Scene Description: She throws off her sunglasses and reaches down.
Wendy: It's time to whip out the eclipse shoe-box thing!
Scene Description: She puts it up to her left eye, then smiles. She is looking at the rocket fired off by the Iraqis some time earlier as it nears the sun. She sees the impact.
Wendy: Bye-bye, Ms. Ellen.
Kyle: Wendy! You didn't!
Wendy: I told her. [suddenly gains white irises] Don't... fuck... with... Wendy... Testaburger!
Scene Description: Kyle is shocked.


Scene Description: Southwest Colorado, Site B. The kids are on a field trip
Anthropologist: ...And so, these ancient arrowheads are buried deep down in the earth's crust. We dig them up, polish them off, and find over twelve new arrowheads every month.
Cartman: Boooriing.
Scene Description: The class laughs.
Mr. Garrison: Eric, keep quiet. I'm trying to sleep.
Scene Description: Under the morning edition of the ROCKY MTN. NEWS, with Mr. Hankey as the lead story.
Anthropologist: Now, can anybody tell me, who left these arrowheads here?
Stan: Isn't that your job?
Anthropologist: Well... yes, but I want to see if you're learning anything.
Stan: Oooh.
Anthropologist: Okay, I tell you what. Why don't we all grab our little anthropology pickaxes - that were handed out and we wuh dig for our very own Indian arrowheads.
Scene Description: The class cheers, scatters, get some pickaxes and start picking away at the site.
Cartman: Day is never finished, Massa got me working Someday Massa set me free...
Stan: Dude. Shut up, Cartman.
Pip: Oh! Oh I think I found one!
Scene Description: Reaching down for an arrowhead.
Scene Description: Cartman takes notice.
Cartman: No, I found it.
Pip: Oh. I do believe I found it first.
Cartman: No, I did, Pip.
Pip: Oh dear.
Cartman: Well, I guess we'll have to ro-sham-bo for it.
Pip: What do you mean?
Cartman: Well. First I kick you in the nuts as hard as I can, then you kick me in the nuts as hard as you can, and we keep going back and forth until somebody falls. The last one standing gets the arrowhead.
Pip: Oh. By, weh. I suppose if I must.
Cartman: Okay, ready? I'll go first.
Scene Description: Cartman back up, then runs at Pip, and kicks him in the nuts. Pip goes down in pain. The other kids laugh.
Pip: Well-uh I, I guess you win.
Cartman: Huh I don't care. You can have this stupid arrowhead, I don't want it.
Scene Description: Tosses it back to Pip. The kids resume digging.
Cartman: Day is never finished, Massa got me working... Oh, look, I found another one.
Scene Description: He looks it over.
Cartman: Ooh, this is just a stupid triangle!
Scene Description: He tosses this one away, as well. It lands before Kyle.
Kyle: Whoa. Check it out, dude.
Scene Description: Kyle picks up the triangle.
Kyle: It's got little drawings on it.
Scene Description: Stan comes over to check it out.
Stan: What is it?
Kyle: I don't know.
Scene Description: The triangle flickers, then glows for a moment.
Stan: Whoa!
Kyle: That was cool!
Scene Description: Cartman rushes over.
Cartman: Eeyy! Give me that back!
Kyle: You threw it away, Cartman! It's mine now.
Cartman: We'll ro-sham-bo for it!
Kyle: No way, fatty, it's mine!
Cartman: ANTHROPOLOGIST!
Anthropologist: [Strolling over.] How's it going, boys?
Cartman: I found a magic triangle, and this greedy son of a bitch took it from me!
Kyle: You threw it away, fatso!
Anthropologist: Hm, let me see that. [Examines it.] Why, this is Anasazi writing! My God, this must be thousands of years old!
Cartman: [To Kyle.] Come on, let me kick you in the nuts for it!
Scene Description: Kyle takes the triangle from the anthropologist and walks away.
Scene Description: News 4, Special Report.
Anchor: ...and finally tonight, a young boy from South Park, Colorado found something very interesting during a field trip today. Here with a special report is a quadriplegic Swiss man on a pony.
Quadriplegic Swiss man: Thanks, Tom, the little eight year old was very shocked indeed when he came across a very ancient triangular object.
Kyle: Well, I was just digging around, and I was all like, 'dude, I found this triangle' and my friends were like, 'dude' and I was all like 'dude.'
Cartman: ...and I told him. I said, 'Kyle, I will kick you in the nuts.' But he didn't give it back to me. So I kicked him square - in the nuts, and he cried - like Nancy Kerrigan!
Kyle: [Off camera,] You liar, Cartman!
Cartman: Screw you, triangle thief!
Quadriplegic Swiss man: And so, the little boy will take his discovery home and perhaps donate it to science... mwell a little later. Back to you, Dave.
Dave: Thanks Tom. Those are some cute, cute kids, except for that last one-he's a little tubby.
Scene Description: Cartman pops up before the camera.
Cartman: Eeyy!
Scene Description: Kyle's house. The boys have returned from their trip.
Stan: What are you going to do with it, dude?
Kyle: I'm going to put it in my room, where Cartman can't find it.
Cartman: Oh I'll find it, don't worry!
Scene Description: Kyle enters his room and closes the door. Cartman rushes up to it and jumps on the door knob.
Cartman: God - dammit, give me my triangle, Kyle, seriously.
Stan: You did throw it away, Cartman.
Cartman: I was just setting it aside.
Stan: Well, you might as well let it go.
Cartman: Never! I'll get that triangle if it's the last thing I do!
Scene Description: School cafeteria. Chef is preparing a dish.
Chef: Give me a little bit of that pepper Give me a little bit of that salt Put it in the skillet and cook it...
Leonard Maltin: Excuse me, sir...
Chef: Can I help-ey, you're that movie critic - guy on TV.
Leonard Maltin: Leonard Maltin, yes.
Chef: Well, I'll be a teenage girl backstage at am Aerosmith concert. Leonard Maltin in my cafeteria. I'm Chef.
Leonard Maltin: I know who you are. You must listen to me, Chef. We have precious little time. Have you seen Barbra Streisand recently?
Chef: Barbra Streisand? You mean like, the Barbra Streisand?
Leonard Maltin: Have you seen her?!
Chef: No. Not since Yentl.
Leonard Maltin: Thank God. Then I'm not too late.
Chef: Too late for what?
Leonard Maltin: Chef, it is of the utmost importance that you tell me where those little boys from the news report on TV are.
Chef: Why do you care?
Scene Description: The bus stop. Stan and Kyle are working on a snowman as Cartman and Kenny watch.
Stan: I have a button we can use for his nose.
Kenny: (Yeah, and I got this nice marble sack to go with this carrot stick, see?)
Kyle: What would we use a marble sack for?
Cartman: Be careful where you put that carrot. Kyle might steal it.
Kyle: I didn't steal anything.
Scene Description: Cartman looks away so as to not see Kyle.
Cartman: Stan, would you tell Kyle that I'm not speaking with him?
Kyle: Good!
Scene Description: Kyle looks back as helicopter blades are heard.
Cartman: What's that noise?
Scene Description: A pink helicopter descends.
Kyle: Whoa!
Cartman: Aaah! Aliens!
Scene Description: Cartman covers his butt. The helicopter lands, the door opens, and Barbra Streisand appears.
Barbra Streisand: Who is the boy I saw on the news report tonight?
Scene Description: Stan and Kenny point at Kyle.
Barbra Streisand: Hello there, little boy. Do you know who I am?
Kyle: No.
Barbra Streisand: Ugh. I bet you do.}} I'm going-
Kyle: Aagh! Stop that!
Barbra Streisand: -where there's lucky clovers in the f-
Stan: Ow, that sucks, dude!
Barbra Streisand: I'm Barbra Streisand!
Stan: ...so?
Barbra Streisand: So?! Uh muh, so I'm a very famous and very important individual.
Stan: Like John Elway important?
Barbra Streisand: What?!
Stan: D'you know John Elway?
Barbra Streisand: No!
Stan: Oh, so you're really famous and important but you don't know John Elway!
Barbra Streisand: Ugh. Look. Little boy, I understand that you found a neat little triangle near here, you know what I'm talking about?
Kyle: Yyeeaahh.
Cartman: No! I found it, he stole it!
Kyle: You threw it away, Cartman!
Cartman: I'm not talking to him, because he's a dirty thief.
Barbra Streisand: Well, little boy, does the triangle have a symbol of two snakes joined at the middle?
Kyle: Yeah. How'd you know?
Barbra Streisand: Okay, now this is very important. Where is the triangle of Zinthar now?
Kyle: Triangle of Zinthar?
Stan: Why do you wanta know, lady?!
Barbra Streisand: I'm not talking to you, you piss-ant little hick!
Stan: Whoa, dude!
Barbra Streisand: Where is the triangle, dammit?!
Scene Description: She picks up Kyle by the throat.
Kyle: AAAAAA!
Scene Description: Barbra drops Kyle as Officer Barbrady approaches.
Officer Barbrady: What seems to be the problemo here?
Barbra Streisand: Problemo? Huh, There's no problemo, Officer. I was just introducing myself to these charming little boys.
Cartman: Na-ah! She's being a total bitch!
Officer Barbrady: Boys, shouldn't you be in school?
Stan: It's Saturday.
Officer Barbrady: No excuses, move along, you little troublemakers!
Scene Description: The boys leave. Kyle lucked out.
Scene Description: Barbra faces Officer Barbrady.
Barbra Streisand: ...Well?!
Officer Barbrady: Well what?
Barbra Streisand: You know who I am, don't you?
Officer Barbrady: Well, you ain't Fiona Apple, and if you ain't Fiona Apple, I don't give a rat's ass!
Barbra Streisand: Waaaaaaah!
Scene Description: She leaves in a huff.
Officer Barbrady: Hoh, what a bitch!
Scene Description: Kyle's house. Chef and Leonard Maltin are at the door
Scene Description: Chef rings the bell and knocks.
Chef: I guess he's not home, Leonard Maltin.
Leonard Maltin: Damn! Then we must look for them elsewhere.
Chef: Come on, man. What is this all about?
Leonard Maltin: If Barbra Streisand saw the same report I did, then those boys are in grave danger. If you were Barbra Streisand, where would you be right now?
Chef: Hmmm.
Scene Description: A picture of Tom's Rhinoplasty pops into his head.
Leonard Maltin: Nono! I mean, where would she be staying?
Chef: Oh. Uh, well, I always heard that Ms. Streisand had her own $4 million condominium - up near the ski slope.
Leonard Maltin: Where?
Chef: Uh I don't know. Ih-ih it was just a rumor.
Leonard Maltin: Dammit man, where's your car?!
Scene Description: Barbra Streisand's four million dollar condo in the mountains.
Barbra Streisand: He has it, Milo. That little bastard has the triangle.
Milo: Are you sure?
Barbra Streisand: I'm sure! He knew about the symbol of Krewluck!
Milo: Then why don't we go get it?
Barbra Streisand: A cop showed up - he's a clever one - I can't blow everything now that I'm this close. Everything must be handled very carefully.
Scene Description: She goes to some bookshelves and pulls on a book, on the top of which is a secret button. She presses the button and the shelf rotates to reveal a pedestal with two holders. One triangle is already in one holder, the other one is still alone.
Barbra Streisand: How many years has it been, Milo? Thirty? Forty? For so long I have waited to find the other triangle, and now I am so close. The Dawn of Zinthar is close at hand!
Scene Description: She laughs rather hysterically.
Scene Description: Kyle's bedroom. He's asleep. A model of the solar system, a picture of him and his elephant, and the Triangle of Zinthar can be seen on his dresser. The camera pans up to see a saw cutting through the ceiling. The hole is made and the cut piece is pushed unto the floor. Kyle flinches and turns around, now facing the wall. A rope comes down and footfalls are heard. Kyle adjusts himself. A pair of eyes looks around and sees the triangle, then Kyle, then back to the triangle. The eyes approach and two hands reach out to grab the triangle.
Ike: Cokeshen.
Scene Description: Cartman is distracted, knocking down the picture, waking up Kyle.
Kyle: Cartman?
Cartman: [Revealing himself.] You scared the crap out of me, Ike!
Kyle: What the hell are you doing?!
Cartman: I'm trying to get my tri- wait a minute, I'm not talking to you. Ike, will you tell Kyle that I was trying to get my triangle back?
Ike: Rear trohtru badt.
Kyle: Well, Ike. You can tell Cartman that it's my triangle!
Ike: Cookeh monter.
Cartman: Well, you can tell Kyle that he's a dirty goddamn son of a bitch!!
Ike: Ahtoahtahneurah.
Scene Description: Kyle gets out of bed.
Kyle: Alright, alright! If it means that much to you, take the stupid triangle!
Cartman: Huh?!
Kyle: If it'll make you leave me alone, then just take the damned thing! Here!
Scene Description: Kyle hands him the triangle.
Kyle: There. Now, get out of my house! And I hope you feel really, really good about yourself!
Scene Description: Cartman looks at the triangle.
Cartman: Hell, yeah I do, I got the triangle. I got the triangle, I got the triangle, dee dun dee dun
Scene Description: He backs up and goes out the door. Kyle goes back to sleep. Meanwhile, in Chef's Town and Country, He and Maltin are driving around.
Leonard Maltin: Are you sure Barbra Streisand has a condo up here?
Chef: It was just a rumor. A lot of big celebrities have mountain condos.
Leonard Maltin: Then we've got to keep looking.
Chef: [Braking hard.] Alright. Leonard Maltin, this has gone far enough! I ain't drivin' another mile until you tell me what this is all about!
Leonard Maltin: Haven't you ever been curious about the insanity Barbra Streisand exhibits?
Chef: Well, I always heard she was kind of a bitch, but-.
Leonard Maltin: More than a bitch! She's a calculating, self-centered egotistical bitch! She was born in a small town, her mother was a jackal, and her father was an insurance salesman.
Chef: Woohoohoohoo. An insurance salesman?
Leonard Maltin: When she was five, she knew that she wanted to be a famous singer, but by the time she was six, her ambitions became to rule the universe. She learned of an ancient diamond, the Diamond of Pantheos.
Chef: Okay. You know what? Never mind, I don't need to know all this!
Scene Description: Starts up the station wagon.
Chef: Forget I asked!
Leonard Maltin: Before she was seven the keepers of Pantheos learned of this insane little girl's wish. The diamond was split up, and buried at opposite ends of the world. But then, during the shooting of My Fair Lady, Barbra Streisand found one of the triangles.
Chef: And the other triangle is the one that little Kyle has?
Leonard Maltin: Yes, Mr. Chef. If Babs gets a hold of that other triangle, she will fulfill her prophecy, and become the most threatening thing ever known to mankind. Mecha-Streisand!
Chef: Mega-Streisand? Oh, man, I don't know what the hell that means, but it doesn't sound good.
Scene Description: The bus stop, Monday.
Stan: Man, the bus sure is late.
Cartman: Hmmm. I wonder what I should do with my triangle, now that it is mmyy triangle.
Kyle: Dammit Cartman! I gave it to you so you would shut... up.
Scene Description: Barbra Streisand pulls up in her car wearing a Groucho Marx face mask, and steps out.
Barbra Streisand: Oh, hello there, little boys. How are you today?
Stan: Fine.
Barbra Streisand: That is great. My name is Mrs. Jones, and I am a very friendly, nice person.
Scene Description: The four boys stand silent.
Barbra Streisand: I hear that one of you found my triangle.
Kyle: Your triangle?
Barbra Streisand: Yes. You see, that triangle is part of my kidney dialysis machine. I'm so glad you found it, because without it I was sure to die within hours.
Cartman: Oh no you don't! Finders Keepers!
Barbra Streisand: But I'll die.
Cartman: Well, I guess we'll have to ro-sham-bo for it. I'll kick you in the nuts as hard as I can, then you kick me square in the nuts as hard as you can...
Barbra Streisand: I want to give you a big cash reward for finding it. It's worth a lot of money to me.
Cartman: It is?
Stan: Hey, no wonder that Barbra Streisand lady wanted it.
Barbra Streisand: Oooh, hahahah. Who is that?
Kyle: Oh, just this really really old lady who wishes she was still only 45.
Scene Description: The boys laugh and Barbra seethes.
Stan: Yeah, and you should have seen her nose. It was big enough to land stealth bombers on.
Scene Description: The boys laugh again and Barbra gets angrier.
Cartman: Yeeh, stealth bombers.
Scene Description: The boys laughs some more.
Cartman: Yeah, and talk about a bitch, I haven't seen-
Barbra Streisand: ENOUGH!!
Scene Description: The boys are suddenly horrified.
Barbra Streisand: Oh, Haa-ha. Anyway, if you'll come with me in my car, I'll take you up to my condo where I'll kill you - I I mean-uh, uh give you - money - for the triangle.
Cartman: Sweet! I'm gonna be rich. Bet you wish you hadn't given me that triangle back now, huh, Kyle? Dumbass!
Scene Description: Heads for the car.
Kyle: Wait. Isn't there some rule about not getting into cars with strangers?
Cartman: No, not when money is involved, stupid!
Scene Description: The kids climb into her car and Barbra revs it up.
Scene Description: Fanfare. Hollywood, at Direct to Video Studios.
Director: And. Action!
Sidney Poitier: [To Sally Struthers.] Rebecca, I'm a man. A man like any other with dreams and emotions. And that's why I'll never put a foreign object up my ass.
Director: Cut, great, print that. Excellent work, Sid. Take five, guys, let's set up for the next shot.
Scene Description: Sidney heads for his dressing room, enters, and heads for the mirror.
Scene Description: A clam shell opens up revealing two tiny princesses.
Princesses: Hello.
Sidney Poitier: Huh?
Princesses: You must hurry! A young man has found the Triangle of Zinthar.
Sidney Poitier: Where?
Princesses: At a small piss-ant white-bread mountain town in Colorado called South Park.
Sidney Poitier: Excellent!
Scene Description: Back at Barbra's condo.
Barbra Streisand: Eh. Soon, the triangle of Zinthar will be mine, and I will be the biggest, most famous person ever!
Scene Description: Cartman is strapped to a rack, the others hang from chains.
Cartman: Ugh. Let me go! Seriously!
Stan: Yeah, let us go!
Barbra Streisand: You fools have no idea the powers that you are meddling with! I'll teach you to meddle with my triangle!
Scene Description: Pulls the lever next to her.
Scene Description: The ropes start to tighten on the rack.
Cartman: Eey! It's not my triangle, it's Kyle's!
Kyle: Hey! Don't try to pass it back on me, fat-ass!
Cartman: Eechh! Screw you, hippie! Eeeh-eh.
Barbra Streisand: Wheeere is the triangle of Zinthar?!
Cartman: I don't remember.
Kyle: Goddammit tell her! I wanna go home!
Barbra Streisand: [Slowly.] Maybe this will help jar your memory...
Cartman: No! Don't!
Scene Description: She starts singing again and the kids scream with pain.
Cartman: AAAAAA! AAAAADUH!
Barbra Streisand: NOOOW do you remember?!
Cartman: WAAAGH! Damn your black heart, Barbra Streisand!
Stan: Ugh. I don't know how much more I can take, dude.
Barbra Streisand: Alright. You asked for it! I'm gonna tell you now...
Scene Description: The boys resume their screaming.
Scene Description: Chef's Town and Country. Still looking...
Chef: Eeeeh-I don't know, man. Maybe Barbra Streisand doesn't have a place up here after all.
Leonard Maltin: Well, looks like we'll have to go to plan B.
Chef: There's a plan B? Why the hell have we been driving around all night and day for, when there's a plan B.
Leonard Maltin: Have you ever heard of the band called, The Cure?
Chef: Ooh, come oonn! Don't tell me The Cure has something to do with this too!
Leonard Maltin: No, no. Just the lead singer. [He starts convulsing.] Oh! Ah!
Chef: Who-o-oa! What's the matter, Leonard Maltin?
Leonard Maltin: She's close! She's very close-I can feel her.
Chef: Where?
Leonard Maltin: Sh-She has the boys! The, they're in trouble!
Chef: Ooh, fudge!
Leonard Maltin: Keep going this way! Hurry!
Scene Description: They round a bend and disappear.
Scene Description: The condo.
Barbra Streisand: Happiness with you is like happiness...
Scene Description: The boys are still screaming.
Cartman: Okay, okay. I'll tell where the triangle is, it's inside my shoe.
Scene Description: Milo approaches and removes Cartman's right shoe.
Kyle: Aagh! For Christ's sake, Cartman, when was the last time you changed your socks?
Cartman: I suppose your socks smell like the Botanical Gardens!
Scene Description: Milo hands the triangle to Barbra.
Barbra Streisand: Finally, the triangle is mine! After centuries of waiting, I finally have the triangle of Zinthar! Now, the Diamond of Pantheos is complete.
Scene Description: Barbra joins the triangles and the resulting diamond begins to spin and glow.
Barbra Streisand: Sugoi! Kono hi wa... atarashii hajimari da! Ima kara... atashi no namae wa... (Wow! Today is... a new beginning! From now on... my name will be...)
Scene Description: A strobe flash goes off when the diamond reaches the height of its brilliance, and the pedestal the diamonds were on shines very brightly thereafter.
Stan: Whoa, dude!
Scene Description: Flashes of light continue to escape the diamond, and Barbra beings to transform.
Barbra Streisand: ...Mecha... Barbura... Sutoraisando!
Scene Description: She grows as she transforms, breaking through the roof, then lets out a roar and leaves her condo as a giant mechanical lizard.
Stan: Dude, this is pretty fucked up right here.
Scene Description: South Park. Mecha Streisand arrives.
Jimbo: Holy crap, Ned! That's the biggest Goddamned deer I have ever seen!
Reporter: ...and so, just weeks after the devastating attack of mutant genetic creatures, zombies, and Thanksgiving turkeys, the town of South Park has managed to rebuild itself, once again be-
Scene Description: Mecha Streisand appears behind him, holding a car, and lets out a roar as she devours it.
Reporter: Oh, Goddammit, not again!
Scene Description: She rips the roof off the new Sushi Bar.
Singer: Bar-bura, Bar-bura... [she crushes the sushi bar with her foot] ...ichi ban kirai no hito. (the number 1 hateful person.) [She steps off the sushi bar. The Mayor is watching from her window across the street] Bar-bura, Bar-bura... [Mecha Streisand throws the roof away, then rips the roof off the building next to it, grabs two people, but drops one of them] ...hana ga ookii. (...her nose is big.) [The Mayor looks on, mortified. Her door opens]
Assistant: Mayor! Barbra Streisand is-
Mayor: I noticed! Call the National Guard!
Scene Description: Her assistant leaves as Mecha Streisand roars again.
Mayor: Ohohohoh, we'll get you, you bitch.
Scene Description: Mecha Streisand grabs the building and shakes the people out of it.
Mayor: And to think I actually watched your HBO special.
Scene Description: The condo. Chef and Leonard Maltin arrive.
Chef: Children!
The boys: Chef!
Scene Description: Leonard Maltin notices the gaping hole in the ceiling.
Leonard Maltin: Oh no! No! She has joined the two triangles?
Cartman: Yes! She stole my triangle!
Stan: Get us down from here!
Scene Description: Chef tries to remove the chains from Stan's wrists.
Chef: I can't - break these - locks!
Leonard Maltin: Stand back, Chef!
Scene Description: Chef stands back as Leonard Maltin does a few martial arts moves.
Leonard Maltin: Marutam Re!
Scene Description: His eyes send out laser beams. He first frees Stan and Kyle, then Cartman and Kenny.
Kyle: Whoa, that was cool!
Leonard Maltin: I've got to go after Mecha Streisand! Chef, I need you to call Robert Smith of The Cure at this number!
Stan: Robert Smith? Sweet!
Scene Description: A studio. Robert Smith picks up the phone.
Robert Smith: Hello?
Chef: Uuuh, yes. Is this Robert Smith of the Cure?
Robert Smith: Yes, i' is.
Chef: This may sound kind of strange, but... Leonard Maltin asked me to call you.
Robert Smith: Ooooooh so Barbra Streisand's found the other triangle, eh?
Scene Description: Chef is stunned.
Scene Description: South Park. Looks pretty devastated. The National Guard is pulling in.
Sergeant: All right, men, give 'er everything you've got!
Scene Description: Mecha Streisand roars down at them, and they fire rockets at her from all around, to no effect. Helicopters surround her and fire away. Jimbo and Ned are in one of them, with Ned piloting.
Jimbo: Get around th' side there, Ned. I can't get a shot in from here.
Scene Description: Ned circles around to her face.
Ned: Okay. Aah! aah! I'm scaared!
Scene Description: Jimbo fires a shoulder rocket, but it just bounces off her shoulder. She rears back and swats Their helicopter out of the sky. The other helicopters scatter.
Singer: Bar-bura, Bar-bura, sugoi na bitchu da. (Barbra, Barbra, she's a huge bitch.)
Sergeant: [To his commander.] It's no use! Our firepower has no effect!
Sheila: Oh my God, it is you! Oh, I am such a huge fan, Ms. Streisand. I never thought I'd live to see you in person!
Scene Description: Mecha Streisand roars back.
Sheila: I hate to ask this, but could I get an autograph? My sister would die.
Scene Description: Mecha Streisand roars assent and stoops to sign the autograph book.
Sheila: Oh thank you, Ms. Streisand!
Scene Description: Mecha Streisand roars in triumph and rounds a corner. Everybody runs.
Citizen: Oh my Goooodd! [Amid screams.]
Mr. Garrison: We're doomed! Good-bye, Mr. Hat.
Singer: Bar-bura, Bar-bura!
Scene Description: She stops before Leonard Maltin.
Leonard Maltin: Barbra!
Scene Description: She steps back surprised, then roars.
Leonard Maltin: Kite, Kite. Churipu. (Come, come. Tulip!)
Scene Description: Leonard Maltin begins to transform.
Singer: Ultura Lenardu Marutin!
Scene Description: Lenardu Marutin shows off some moves. Mecha Streisand respnds by kicking away the ushi bar. Chef and the boys arrive just after that. Lenardu Marutin grabs the building next to the bar and hits her with it, causing her to fall back.
Chef: Look out, children!
Scene Description: Townspeople run by, then the boys scream and scatter. Jimbo's Guns lands where they were standing. Mecha Streisand kicks Lenardu Marutin in the groin and he lands on his back, but Chef and the boys have to scatter again before he does. Stan and Kyle regroup and look at the scene, but Kyle turns around for some reason. Kenny is seen running towards a tetherball. He hits it with his left hand. It swings around and swoops him up.
Kenny: (Oh no! I have got to stay away fro-aaagh!)
Scene Description: Kenny dies strangled by the tether-ball.
Kenny: (Ugh!)
Stan: Oh my God, they killed Kenny!
Kyle: You bastard!
Scene Description: Sidney Poitier flies in like Superman and lands next to Chef.
Sidney Poitier: What's going on here?
Chef: Sidney Poitier?
Sidney Poitier: That's right. I'm Sidney Poitier.
Chef: Damn, man, it's nice to meet you! Seein' Sidney Poitier in my hometown!
Sidney Poitier: Barbra Streisand has found the triangle of Zinthar?
Chef: Yeup! She's made the Diamond of Pantheos alright.
Sidney Poitier: Kolooh kulatchki!
Scene Description: Sidney Poitier begins transforming.
Singer: Mega Poatia, Mega Poatia, sogoi kuroi da ne. (Megara Poatia Megara Poatia. Look, how black you are.) [Mega Poatia takes off and spins towards Mecha Streisand.] Mega Poatia, Mega Poatia-
Chef: [Annoyed.] Is that really necessary?
Scene Description: Mecha Streisand fends off Lenardu Marutin, then picks up Megara Poatia and twirls him around in an airplane move and throws him onto a mountain. He bounces over the top and away. The boys are shocked. Lenardu Marutin fixes his gaze on her, but she blocks it with her right hand. She then breathes a plasma blast at him, which lands hard and knocks him onto his back.
Chef: It's over. She's too strong for them, children. We'll have to leave town.
Cartman: Make it go away! I hate Barbra Streisand! I hate her!
Scene Description: Cartman covers his eyes.
Stan: My mom always said there were no monsters, but there are, aren't there, Chef?
Chef: We have to say good-bye... to South Park.
Woman: Oh my Goooood, help meeee!
Scene Description: Mecha Streisand is tearing up the town, ripping apart some buildings, stomping on others...
Robert Smith: Am I too late?
Chef: [Irritated.] Who are you?
Stan: Dude! Robert Smith of the Cure!
Cartman: Sweet!
Robert Smith: Here, you boys hold this walkie, you can help me fight her.
Chef: You can try, Robert Smith, but that thing just beat the crap out of Leonard Maltin and Sidney Poitier.
Robert Smith: I have to try. I can't let Barbra Streisand do this to the entire world.
Scene Description: Robert Smith begins transformation into a giant moth.
Singer: Rabartu Smisu, Rabartu Smisu, tashiwa daisuki Rabartu Smisu. (Robert Smith, Robert Smith, I like you a lot, Robert Smith)
Scene Description: Mecha Streisand heads for a gas station with a dinosaur for its symbol, but Rabartu Smitu comes up fast behind her. She notices. He shrieks at her, she covers her ears, and skyscrapers all around lose their windows. She responds with her own shrieks, and he covers his ears. More skyscrapers lose their windows.
Leonard Maltin: [Back to normal.] We must tell him that her weak point is the nose.
Stan: [Into the walkie.] Robert Smith, hit her nose. Use Robot Punch.
Scene Description: Rabartu Smitu looks at him and acknowledges the command by lefting the right-hand index and pinky fingers. Mecha Streisand tears apart some power lines and prepares to electrocute him, but he launches his fist. It hits her square on the nose and a diamond falls out, which lands in fron of Kyle.
Kyle: The Diamond of Pantheos. [Looks at Stan.] She must be powerless now.
Stan: [Into the walkie.] Quickly, Robert Smith! She's powerless!
Singer: Rabartu Smisu, Rabartu Smisu!
Scene Description: Chef looks at him more annoyed than before. Rabartu Smitu maneuvers Mecha Streisand around and grabs her by the tail. After some airplane spins he launches her into outer space. An electrical overload occurs and she blows up into millions of pieces. The fireworks can be seen from the town and the townspeople cheer up and down.
Stan: He did it!
Kyle: No more Barbra Streisand, everrrrr!
Stan: Wow! Robert Smith is the greatest person that ever lived!
Jesus: Our Savior!
Scene Description: Robert Smith transforms back to normal.
Robert Smith: Can I have my walkie-talkie back now, please?
Cartman: No way! You gave it to us-it's mine now!
Robert Smith: Alright, I'll ro-sham-bo you for it. Ready?
Cartman: Huh?
Scene Description: Cartman gets a kick in the groin and falls. Robert Smith moves aside.
Cartman: Eh. Aaah-ah! Aaah!
Scene Description: Robert Smith walks towards the sunset as Japanese music plays, apparently without the walkie-talkie.
Chef: Hey! Where's he goin'?
Stan: Good-bye, Robert Smith!
Cartman: Thanks for your help! Visit us again!
Kyle: Disintegration is the best album everrr!
Scene Description: Kyle's house.
Stan: Well, what should we do with the two triangles now?
Kyle: We've got to get rid of them.
Scene Description: Kyle heads for a small trash can next to the coffee table.
Kyle: Nobody should have the kind of power Barbra Streisand wanted!
Scene Description: He tosses the triangles in.
Stan: Well, at least I have this sweet walkie-talkie Robert Smith gave me.
Scene Description: Cartman reaches over.
Cartman: No! That's my walkie-talkie, he gave it to me!
Kyle: Dammit Cartman, don't you ever learn anything?!
Scene Description: Stan turns left and walks to the door.
Cartman: Come on, Stan, it's mine! I'll ro-sham-bo you for it!
Scene Description: Ike, seeing what Kyle had thrown in, reaches the trash can and jumps in.
Stan: Go to hell, Cartman!
Scene Description: In front of the house.
Kyle: Well, that whole experience sure did suck.
Stan: Yeah. I'm sure glad that's over with.
Kyle: But you know, I've learned something today. I've learned that people who want power, a lot of power, always... end up dead.
Stan: Yeah.
Cartman: Yeah, and I've learned something, too. Robert Smith kicks ass!
Scene Description: The steps of a giant are heard and the kids grow fearful] Oh no! She's back!
Stan: Oh my God! Look!
Scene Description: The camera reveals a giant Ike coming out from behind the house.
All three: AAAAA! MECHA IKE!