Scene Description: South Park Elementary, morning. The school bell rings. A "WELCOME BACK!" sign hangs over a row of student lockers as kids mill around in the hall. The camera pans to the right to show the four boys standing before their new classroom: FOURTH GRADE.
Stan: Well, here we are, dude, the first day of fourth grade.
Kyle: Yeah. No more getting pushed around by fourth graders! [two older boys come up behind Stan and Kyle and punch them to the floor. A third 5th-grader arrives. Stan and Kyle look up.]
5th-Grader in middle: Get out of my way, you little dorks! [Stan and Kyle struggle a bit, then get up]
Kyle: Hey! We're fourth-graders now, too!
5th-Grader in middle: Yeah, but now, we're fifth-graders, you stupid fourth-graders, so move it! [he and the boy to his left punch Stan and Kyle down again.]
Kyle: [rises with Stan] Ungh, gay, dude.
Stan: Dude, we gotta find some third-graders to beat up. [looks left and sees someone] Hey, come here [signals a boy, Pete Thelman, over.]
Pete: What?
Stan: What grade are you going into?
Pete: Thi-ird
Stan: Stupid third grader!
Cartman: Yeah, [punches Pete down] get out of here! [withdraws]
Pete: Uhuhuhow.
Cartman: There, that's better.
Kyle: You know, I heard our fourth-grade teacher is some new lady from Denver.
Stan: Denver? [Butters and Clyde arrive]
Cartman: U-hoh, dude, we could walk all over her. [Kevin arrives]
Kyle: He's right. We have to take a hard stance right now and establish that we're the dominant ones in this relationship! [Pip arrives, then Craig, then Wendy and Bebe]
Stan: Alright. [turns to face the gathering group] Hey, listen up everybody! [Tweek and four others arrive, then Timmy...] We need to stand up to this new teacher and insert ourselves! Let's all do something radical! [the other kids smile]
Clyde: Like what?
Stan: [with a look of determination] Like... ah, how about right at 8:35 we all jump up on our desks and pull down our pants and shout, "KISS MY ASS!!!" all together!
The Kids: YEAH!!!
Cartman: [softly] Why, that's PERfect!
Butters: Well, buh wuh when we pull our pants down, [turns to his left to demonstrate] should we stand frontways or back? I mean, do we show 'er our... behinds, or-ar our w-wieners?
Stan: ...I think showing her our asses should be quite sufficient, Butters.
Butters: Uh-uh, maybe we could stand like this [shows his back to Stan and moves his right hand around], with our wieners pokin' through the back of our legs, you know, and give 'er a nice fruit bowl.
Kyle: ...Yeah. Or we could just show our asses.
Stan: Okay, so it's decided. When the clock hits 8:35 we all stand up on our desks, pull down our pants and yell, "KISS MY ASS!!!"
Kyle: Together we are strong! [raises fists]
The Kids: YEAH!!!
Clyde: [points to Timmy] Hey, Timmy might need some help pulling his pants down.
Stan: We got you covered, Timmy.
Timmy: Timmay!
Scene Description: The bell rings again, and the kids enter their new classroom a bit awed at the surroundings. Lab sinks and equipment line the walls. New, modern desks greet them. An aquarium and some modern art are also present.
Kyle: Whoa, dude, this is our new classroom?
Butters: Huhuh, look at all this stuff.
Cartman: [takes a seat] Hey, what the hell is with these little half-desks?
Stan: Dude, look at the walls. [A new alphabet strip in Vivaldi font hangs over the chalkboard] Everything is written in some strange, foreign language.
New Teacher: [enters, faces the students, and talks with a bit of an accent] Alright, children, quiet down. Welcome to the fourth grade. [the kids stare at her with mouths open. Her breasts hang down to her knees]
Kyle: Holy God, dude!
Kenny: (Those titties are fuckin' huge!) [the teacher turns and write on the board...]
New Teacher: My name is Ms. Choksondik.
Stan: [softly, to Kyle] ...More like, Ms. Makesmesick. [starts chuckling]
Kyle: Yeah! [starts chuckling]
Ms. Choksondik: [now with book in hand] Play time is over, children! Do you understand me?! [a stunned silence fills the room] I don't know how your last teacher behaved, but this is the fourth grade! [Cartman grabs on tight to his chair as he looks at the wall clock, which now reads 8:35] And it is time to go to work!
Cartman: [chuckles, leaps up on his desk, and moons Ms. Choksondik] KISS MY ASS!!! [no one else moves a muscle, as they are still awed by the teacher's appearance. Cartman looks left, then right...] Oh, weak, you guys. Seriously weak.
Ms. Choksondik: [arms akimbo] Well, young man, I hope you have a good explanation for this.
Cartman: [with his back still to Ms. Choksondik] Oh, I'm sure I do.
Ms. Choksondik: This is the fourth grade! You need to grow up! [wags a finger at him]
Cartman: I'm trying.
Ms. Choksondik: Now, get back to your desk and write a thousand-word essay on why you feel you need to disrupt my class.
Cartman: [pulls his pants up and sits down again] Fantastic, then.
Ms. Choksondik: [turns to the board and begins writing] Now, let us begin our first-day exam. [the class sighs audibly] SILENCE!
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, outside. The bell rings, and the students head out onto the playground.
Stan: What a bitch!
Kyle: And did you see her lazy eye? You can't even tell what she's looking at.
Cartman: You guys are all such pussies!
Tweek: I can't take it, man! Writing in cursive?? Fractions?? I can't do i-it!
Stan: This is it. The end of innocence. [grows sad] This is the loss of that playful youth all our parents warned us about.
Kyle: I just didn't think it would come so soon.
Cartman: Yeah. Only now do we realize how much we all took the third grade for granted.
Kyle: Huh?
Cartman: Everything was great in third grade. And now that it's all over, we're starting to see just how special it was. [wistfully] Remember how it used to be in the Third Grade? We used to laugh and play and cherish each day in the Third Grade [a classroom scene, then a playground scene as heads of Cartman and Kenny float by] We learned wondrous things from a teacher so nice [Mr. Garrison is dressed as a pirate before a happy class] Sat on marshmallow desks with teddy-bear smiles [Their desks turn into marshmallow seats and float up as the classroom fades into sky. A teddy-bear face floats by] The world seemed to all make sense but that sense seems to slowly fade [They float towards a rainbow and sun, and the scene fades to black, then to the playground] After Third Grade In the Third Grade we used to write with crayons [Garrison leads the class in a march at a candy land] We would make sparkly pictures with glitter and glue [Cartman makes a glitter picture of a cow's face] We had warm cookies and hearts full of love [Kenny makes one of a clown holding a bloody knife in one hand and a boy's bloody head in the other] And there wasn't a care in the world of me... of you... [Cartman sings to the audience and points] There's not a thing in this life that I wouldn't trade just to go back, for one minute [Garrison leads the class in a march at a candy land, then gives each kid a happy spanking in a room full of huge wrapped presents. The scene fades to the playground again] To Third Grade [A moment of silence, and Clyde starts to cry. Butters draws near and consoles him]
Kyle: Wow! I had already forgotten how great third grade was.
Butters: Huh-it sure was.
Cartman: [wistfully] I wish I was still there.
Stan: Hey, that's it! We gotta go back to third grade!
Kyle: How?
Stan: [a bit dramatic] We travel back in time.
Kyle: Oh yeah, time travel.
Butters: Oowuh how are we gonna do that? Does it hurt? [waves the suggestion off] I don't wanna do it if it hurts. Or if it... makes you get all sticky.
Stan: It can't be that bad. People do it on TV all the time.
Cartman: Yeah, we just have to find somebody who knows how to do it.
Kyle: Well, what about those two college guys next door to me? They're always doing science experiments in their basement.
Cartman: Yeah, if there's a way to travel back in time, those two dorks will know how!
Scene Description: The basement of the two college guys, after school. These are computer geeks, with at least three computers in there. The blond guy works on his nose as he talks.
Nerd #1: When it comes to time-traveling theory, there are basically two school of thought. The Spock Theory is that a sling shot around the sun could create a wormhole in which time could not escape. The Lieutenant Commander Data Theory, however, is that a nag vibration could create a rip in the time-space continuum-
Cartman: Look, whatever it takes, we just have to get back to third grade.
Nerd #2: Time-travel is no laughing matter. Four times the Enterprise went back in time, and four times they almost didn't make it back.
Stan: We don't want to make it back, we want to stay there.
Nerd #1: Oh.
Kyle: So can you do it?
Nerd #2: It's all theoretical, but from a scientific standpoint, the creation of a rip in space-time is possible. We just need to find an inertia device. [they think]
Nerd #1: Heeeyyy. [approaches Timmy's chair] This kid's electric wheelchair might be just what we need.
Timmy: Tuh-timmih?
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, Principal's office. Principal Victoria and Mr. Mackey are talking to Chef.
Principal Victoria: Oh, this new fourth-grade teacher is driving me nuts!
Chef: What's the problem?
Mr. Mackey: Uh, you see, Chef, Ms. Choksondik has very large, uh, honkers, and she doesn't seem to like wearing a bra.
Chef: You call that a problem? That sounds like heaven to me.
Mr. Mackey: No, it's really not as nice as you might imagine, Chef, m'kay. [the door opens and a very angry Ms. Choksondik enters]
Ms. Choksondik: Principal Victoria, I would like a word! [her elongated breasts swing freely under her blouse.]
Chef: Oooo! Call the doctor!
Ms. Choksondik: My new students are the most misbehaved, illiterate, brain-dead group of children I have ever come across!
Principal Victoria: Well, Miss... Choksondik, those children did fairly well in the third grade.
Ms. Choksondik: One of them is mentally handicapped, for Christ's sake!
Principal Victoria: Oh? Which one?
Ms. Choksondik: The one in the wheelchair! Look, I would like to have a talk with their last year's teacher! Who was it? Mr. Uh-heh, Garrison?! [Terror strikes the faces of Mr. Mackey and Principal Victoria as they look at each other]
Principal Victoria: I'm afraid that's impossible. Nobody's seen Mr. Garrison since the last school year ended.
Ms. Choksondik: Why?! Where did he go?!
Mr. Mackey: [softly, slowly] We... don't like to talk about it.
Ms. Choksondik: But I need help reaching these kids! I have nothing but the highest expectations for them. And with [raises her left arm, which causes the breast nipples to reveal themselves] God as my witness-
The Adults: Aww Oooo!
Ms. Choksondik: I'm going to teach these kids the wonders of the world, so that they can reach the top! [the others recoil at the sight of her nipples again] I hope that sometime very soon you will let me in on what happened to this Mr. Garrison! And with that I will bid you good day!
Principal Victoria: [trying to hide her stare] Wuh sure thing, fine, bye-bye then. [Ms. Choksondik exits and the other three breathe sighs of relief. Chef instinctively vomits, then covers his mouth.]
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, Ms. Choksondik's classroom, next day. The kids are all in their seats wearing goggles and the two nerds are with them
Nerd #1: Alright, when we power up, the handicapped kid's chair will accelerate at a high rate of speed about 10 feet that way [towards the board], then make the required magnetic vibrations.
Nerd #2: If the fields are right, it should then create a wormhole up near the front of the classroom.
Wendy: You guys don't actually think this is going to work, do you?
Nerd #1: Now, eh, when you all see a wormhole, yuh-you guys are gonna have about 4.2 seconds to run through it.
Nerd #2: And on the other side you will find yourself in exactly the same spot, only one year ago.
Stan: Back in the third grade.
Kids: Cool/Wow.
Kyle: I can't wait until the teacher yells at us this time, and we all tell her to suck our balls!
Kids: Yeah!
Stan: Oh! Here she comes.
Ms. Choksondik: [enters] Alright, children, I hope you all did your homework last night. Please pass your papers up to the frontuh.
Cartman: [hops up on his seat] Suck my balls!!! [no one else moves] Oh, God-damnit, you guys, I am so seriously-
Ms. Choksondik: [sternly] I said, pass your papers to the fronteh!
Cartman: We didn't do our homework, Ms. Makesmesick! We didn't feel like it!
Ms. Choksondik: It's Choksondik! And you are all going to have detention!
Cartman: Hahaa! Charade you are, teacher! I'm afraid we have different plans! Gentlemen? [a handheld controller with two thumb joysticks is activated. The two nerds get to work]
Nerd #1: Primary fusion initiated.
Nerd #2: Molecular grenadine active. [Timmy's chair starts to convulse]
Timmy: Aa-aa-ah!
Ms. Choksondik: What are you doing?!
Cartman: We're going back in time to third grade! Goodbye, teacher! Perhaps we shall see you in another year! Hahaaa! [the wheelchair is launched and Timmy moves towards the chalkboard]
Timmy: Timmaaaaaaaaah! [Ms. Choksondik steps aside as Timmy breaks through the wall and out into the snow] Timmaaaaaaaaah! [his voice trails off. The class is in shock. Ms. Choksondik turns and looks out the gaping hole as Timmy turns right and goes past a tree]
Nerd #1: I didn't think it would work.
Nerd #2: Me neither.
Ms. Choksondik: Well, well, well! I'd say somebody has some explaining to do!
Cartman: You're damn right they do!
Kyle: Dude! Timmy's chair is packed with all that stuff! We've gotta help him!
Stan: Yeah!
Kyle: Come on! [the other kids scramble out of their chairs and rush outside]
Ms. Choksondik: Children! Children, come back here!
Scene Description: South Park, the streets. Timmy is rolling down the street being passed by honking cars going this way and that. Timmy screams a frightened scream
Stan: Timmy, you have to stop!
Nerd #1: No!
Stan: No??
Nerd #1: Look, the system malfunctions if he stops. The nuclear core can bake his magnetic field and the whole chair will blow sky-high.
Kyle: What?! Timmy! You've got to get off that chair!
Nerd #1: No!
Kyle: [with trembling voice] No??
Nerd #2: We've rigged the chair to be sensitive to his weight. If he gets off, the whole thing blows!
Stan: So if Timmy drops his speed below five miles an hour the chair blow, and if he gets off, the chair blows?
The Nerds: Yup.
Stan: My God!
Scene Description: NEWS 4 LIVE UPDATE
Anchor Tom: [Timmy is shown moving down the street screaming] It's been over three hours since the police first showed up on the scene of a handicapped boy's wheelchair set with explosives.
Scene Description: South Park, Tele's. The boys and the nerds rush to the video window to watch the report
Stan: Over here, over here!
Anchor Tom: The child can't stop or get off the chair without risking explosion, and so the SWAT team will now attempt to disarm the device.
Scene Description: South Park, a street. Timmy reaches an open stretch of road
Timmy: [in distress] Timmi-hih-ih! [above him a helicopter appears, and a SWAT team member is lowered while keeping up with Timmy]
SWAT Hansen: Closer! [reaches Timmy] Don't worry, son. Just watch your speed and stay still! [both approach a pair of women waiting to hitch a ride going the other direction]
Pilot: Look out, Hansen!
SWAT rescuer Hansen: Oh! [flies into the blonde, knocking her away. Timmy ends up with the brunette on his chair]
Brunette: Aaaah!
Timmy: Timmaaay!
Hansen: [floats up to them again] Dear Jesus! Hang on, lady!
Brunette: Oh my God, what's going on?
Hansen: Ma'am, be very careful! That wheelchair is set to explode!
Brunette: What?! [scrambles around Timmy] AAAH!! Omigod! Omigod!
Hansen: It's okay! Just stay calm and keep the speed above 5!
Brunette: [trying to hang on] O-kay. O-kay. Omigod.
Timmy: Tih-Timmah? [the woman sets the speed and locks it in a flash]
Brunette: Okay. I kept the speed at 5.
Hansen: Good! What's the wheelchair's battery power at?
Brunette: Oh my God! Less than 20 minutes!
Scene Description: South Park, Tele's. The boys react to the news
Stan: Less than 20 minutes?!
Kyle: Oh no! What have we done?!
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, Principal's office. Principal Victoria holds up an oversize bra for Chef's and Mr. Mackey's appraisal
Principal Victoria: Whattaya think? Too forward? [the door opens and in enters...]
Ms. Choksondik: I HAVE HAD IT!!!
Principal Victoria: Waaah! [tosses the bra behind her seat]
Ms. Choksondik: These children are out of control! I must speak with their last year's teacher, Mr. Garrison! [again, the three other adults show fear...]
Principal Victoria: As we said before, that's impossible.
Ms. Choksondik: What in God's name happened to him?
Chef: Uuuh, Ms. Choksondik, Mr. Garrison had several uuh, eee-motional issues. He was a closet homosexual who hated gay people. Whenever someone asked him if he was gay, he'd go nuts.
Principal Victoria: And then he was accused of trying to solicit sex from a young boy.
Mr. Mackey: After being dismissed from teaching, he went off to write romance novels. His first novel sold well and everything was fine until he found out that his novel won the gay Pulitzer Prize, and was considered the best homoerotic novel since Huckleberry Finn.
Principal Victoria: He finally snapped and had a nervous breakdown and... went up into the mountains to live in solitude.
Chef: Some say that on cold nights you can still hear him moanin', "I'm not gaaay! I'm not gaaay!"
Mr. Garrison: [barely audible in the distance. The adults strain to hear] Iii'mmm nnnooottt gggaaayyy!!!
Ms. Choksondik: And, nobody has found him?
Mr. Mackey: Well, we really haven't ll-looked.
Ms. Choksondik: I see. [a kitten walks up to her] Then the only way I'll find the secret to teaching these kids is to go up into those mountains and find Mr. Garrison myself!
Principal Victoria: But he could be anywhere up high in those mountains.
Ms. Choksondik: Oh, I'll find him! Even if I have to climb up [arms spread out and raised to chest level] and up [raised to ear level] and up!
Chef, Victoria, Mackey: NOOO!!
Ms. Choksondik: [lowers upraised arms] What?
Scene Description: South Park, a street. Timmy and the brunette are still on the open stretch of road
Brunette: Oh my God, Oh my God!
Scene Description: South Park, a street. A field reporter is on the scene
Field Reporter: Tom, I'm standing about two miles outside of Denver where the darling handicapped boy fights for his life on a wheelchair of death. [camera pulls back to show the nerds next to the reporter, and the boys across the street] Guys, can you tell us what kind of explosive we're actually dealing with here.
Nerd #1: Uh, well, it's a simple hydrogen-fusion core with a veltig reactant-
Timmy: [while the blond nerd talks] Ah, please help!
Nerd #2: Which just turned into a time bomb.
Timmy: Please help.
Nerd #1: This has never happened in all the 72 original Star Trek episodes.
Nerd #2: Yah... wait, you mean 73 episodes.
Nerd #1: ...No, there were 72.
Nerd #2: No there weren't!
Nerd #1: [pushes his friend away] Oh, you are such a nerd! [they start slapping each other around]
Field Reporter: [camera zooms in] Tom, I understand that now, the rescuers are gonna try and send in one of the handicapped boy's little friends, in an attempt to keep him calm and hopefully, disarm the device.
Scene Description: South Park, a street. A SWAT truck full of rescuers passes Timmy and the brunette and slows down to wheelchair speed. Kenny is with them
Hansen: It's alright, everything's goin' tuh be fine.
Brunette: Oh my God!
Hansen: [sets Kenny on a dolly and secures him] Alright, young man, when you get underneath that wheelchair, I want you to relay back to me with this walkie-talkie, and then I'll tell you which wires to cross. Ready?
Kenny: (Yes, sir!)
Hansen: Go below! [releases the winch. Kenny and the dolly make their way to Timmy, but they pass each other. Kenny keeps rolling down the road past Stan, Kyle, and Cartman]
Kenny: (Hi guys.) [keeps rolling until he trips over a manhole cover.] (Uh oh.) [the dolly lands on him] (Uff. I'm okay.) [the winch is suddenly yanked, and Kenny zips away] (I'm oKAAAYYYYYYY!!!) [the camera switches to Stan, Kyle, and Cartman looking in the direction of a terribly screechy sound. Soon, Kenny appears ripping up the road with his face, and he stops in front of them, dead]
Stan: Well, who didn't see that coming?
Brunette: [camera back on the wheelchair] Oh my God! Oh my God!
Hansen: Stay calm! You have to stay calm! [Timmy looks up at him]
Brunette: [in a panic] But if we got off the chair it blows up!
Hansen: No no, that's only if the boy gets off.
Brunette: Oh. [hops off and stands up] See ya!
Timmy: Timmih! [Hansen starts to work on the chair]
Pilot: Ten seconds, Hansen!
Stan: ...nine, eight...
Timmy: [looks down at Hansen] Please-a help me.
Pilot: ...six, five...
Timmy: Please help me. Please help me.
Hansen: Got it! I think! Up, up! [the helicopter rises and takes him up with it]
Timmy: [upset] Timmay! [with a burst of speed the wheelchair accelerates, then disappears in a flare. Nothing remains of him. The rescuer is back in the helicopter looking down at the event with other rescuers, and the boys are on the curb shocked. The nerds are stunned, and the TV shows the site of the disappearance without comment]
Nerd #1: Hey, it did work. [the other nerd grins]
Scene Description: South Park, a tall mountain not unlike the Matterhorn, next day. Ms. Choksondik scales it, and reaches a plateau. Several cats follow her up. She sees a cave and approaches it, then enters
Ms. Choksondik: Hello-oo-ooo. [walks further in with a lit flashlight] Oh, what am I doing? I'm gonna get myself killed. [calls out] Is anyone here? [the beam falls on Mr. Garrison, now hunched over against a wall and with a full beard. Mr. Hat has a matching beard. Garrison hisses at her] Mister? Mr. Garrison?
Mr. Garrison: Who-? Who are you? What do you want?
Ms. Choksondik: I am the new fourth grade teacher. I've come to... seek your help. [Garrison hisses at her again] Please. I don't know how to handle the new fourth graders. I've tried everything. I need to know how you taught them.
Mr. Garrison: [hiding from the light] No! No, I... haven't... taught in over... eight... months. [the cats try to get at Ms. Choksondik's]
Ms. Choksondik: Mr. Garrison, you knew how to reach these kids! You're my only hope!
Mr. Garrison: Do you know what it is to be a teacher, Ms...?
Ms. Choksondik: Choksondik.
Mr. Garrison: No I don't! [rushes up to her] IT'S A LIE! You see? That's what you get for bein' a teacher! You work and you work for the children and then people start rumors that you're gay even though you love poontang!
Ms. Choksondik: Mr. Garrison, these children are depending on me to give them a future. I can't do it without your guidance. Please! Help me, for them! For the future of our children!
Mr. Garrison: ...Two hundred bucks.
Ms. Choksondik: ...Done.
Scene Description: The basement of the two college guys, after school. The boys show up again. Much of the stuff that was in the basement is gone. Soon, it is shown that the second nerd has moved out
Stan: Dude! You gotta build us another time machine!
Nerd #1: Huh? Oh... Can't.
Kyle: What do you mean, "can't"?! You made it work; just build us another one!
Nerd #1: I can't, because pizza-face isn't here! We're not on speaking terms! We got in a big fight and he moved all his stuff out!
Stan: W-what did you get in a fight about?
Nerd #1: There's 73 original Star Treks! He keeps saying there's 72!
Stan: Oh, Jesus Christ! You've got to be kidding me!
Nerd #1: No! He actually thinks there's 72.!
Cartman: Look, dude, can't you just build us another machine without him?
Nerd #1: No. Pizza-face took all his equipment home to his mom's. Now, if you can go over there and get him to admit that he's wrong...
Stan: Alright, come on, guys. [the boys exit the basement and head up the stairs] Man, I can't believe we have to do this while Timmy's already back in time!
Kyle: Yeah! Timmy's probably back in third grade right now living it up!
Scene Description: A tropical forest. Dinosaurs roam this land. A pteranodon flies overhead as a triceratops chases Timmy
Timmy: Timmah! Timmaaaaahhh!
Scene Description: South Park, the "Matterhorn," the plateau outside Garrison's cave. Mr. Garrison walks around Ms. Choksondik as she balances three books on each hand and one on her head while standing on only her left foot.
Mr. Garrison: Alright, let's try it again.
Ms. Choksondik: "Children, we are now going to do math problems."
Mr. Garrison: "But teacher, I don't want to do my math problems."
Ms. Choksondik: "Uuh! Ah, you will do them or else you'll be in very big trouble!"
Mr. Garrison: "Well, I'm not gong' to do it, teacher! You can just suck my balls!"
Ms. Choksondik: "Don't use that kind of language, young man!"
Mr. Garrison: NOOO![Ms. Choksondik drops the books in terror]
Ms. Choksondik: [drops the books in terror] No??
Mr. Garrison: Look, you can't counter a profane command with an idle threat! You must extinguish it with a vulgar suggestion! When a child says, "Suck my balls," you say, "Present them."
Ms. Choksondik: Oh.
Mr. Garrison: Now, let's try it again. [gathers the books up and repositions them on Ms. Choksondik's hands and head, then stands to her left. She resumes balancing on her left foot and concentrates.] SUCK MY BALLS!
Ms. Choksondik: Pre-sent them?
Mr. Garrison: [softens] Good. [Ms. Choksondik relaxes a bit and opens her eyes] Very good. [with authority] You're ready to move on to the next level. But I warn you: we will now be diving deep into your own psyche. These children know what scares you, and so we, too, must face those demons.
Ms. Choksondik: I'm ready. I'm not afraid.
Mr. Garrison: [ominously, gruffly] You will be! You will be! [coughs] You will be.
Scene Description: South Park, a house. Eight boys approach it: Stan, Kyle, Cartman, Butters, Kevin, Token, Tweek, and Clyde. Stan knocks
Stan: God-damnit, this is ridiculous.
Nerd #2: [opens the door angrily] What?!
Stan: Dude, can you please just stop fighting with your friend and build another machine so we can travel back in time to the third grade?
Nerd #2: Look! There aren't 73 episodes of Star Trek, there are 72! "The Menagerie" was a 2-parter that counts as one episode! Pizza-face is wrong!
Cartman: Who the hell cares?!
Nerd #2: I know! Why does he have to be such a dick about it?!
Kyle: Wouldn't it be better to just agree with him and forget the whole thing?
Nerd #2: No, because he's WRONG!
Kyle: Look. You guys built a machine together that can bend time. If you'll just agree with him, you can build another one and usher in a whole new era of science!
Nerd #2: And live in a world of 72 original Star Treks? I don't think so! I don't want to live in that world. [slams the door shut]
Cartman: God, these guys are such geek dumbasses!
Stan: I know.
Butters: Yeh-hah. They don't even realize that "The Menagerie" originally was the pilot and later got split up into two episodes, eh ha ha. Ha ha. [pauses to see if anyone responds] Hahahaha, eh the, eh the dumbasses.
Stan: Wait a minute! I've got it. [knocks again]
Nerd #2: [opens the door angrily] What?!
Stan: Dude, if you guys build another time machine, you can travel back in time and ask the creator of Star Trek how many episodes there were!
Nerd #2: [thinks for a moment] Dude, Jesus, you're right.
Scene Description: South Park, the "Matterhorn." Mr. Garrison takes Ms. Choksondik to a gnarled, giant willow tree on a mountainside forest
Mr. Garrison: This is it: The Tree of Insight. You must go in and face what lives inside.
Ms. Choksondik: What lives inside?
Mr. Garrison: Hell if I know. I wouldn't go in there.
Ms. Choksondik: Oh, alrighty. [enters the base of the tree and through the hewn hallway, then sees a light at the other end.] What the? Why there's nothing in here but an exit to the other side! [peers through it, then pulls back] There's nothing in here at all. ...Oh, and I actually thought my mental demons would be in here. [thinks for a moment] Wait a minute. Maybe there's not supposed to be anything in here. Maybe I'm supposed to see that I alone do have the strength to reach the kids! [clenches her fists] I think I get it now! [walks out the other end]
Mr. Garrison: [bides his time and sighs] Hey, hurry up in there! [under his breath] Jesus. [knocks on the tree entrance] You're taking too long in the damn Tree of Insight! [looks at the entrance, then looks in] You in there?! [enters the hallway himself] Hey, where the hell did she go? [a few more steps, and rumbling begins] What the? [the entrance closes and a mirror Garrison, clean-shaven, appears. The unkempt Garrison shivers] Haaa! Who? Who are you?
Clean Garrison: [surely] I am you. [approaches the unkempt Garrison] I am your gay side.
Unkempt Garrison: My gay side, uh- I DON'T HAVE A GAY SIDE!!!
Clean Garrison: You must face me at last. [the two of them just stare at each other]
Scene Description: South Park, the "Matterhorn," moments later...
Unkempt Garrison: You aren't real! You can't be!
Clean Garrison: It is me, your darkest fear. Your gay self, incarnate.
Unkempt Garrison: What do you want?
Clean Garrison: I want you to not fight me anymore. To accept me, once and for all.
Unkempt Garrison: Why?
Clean Garrison: Don't you see? [approached the unkempt one] All these years, your pain, your confusion, it comes from one place. Your denial of who you are. [his voice softens] Of who... we are.
Unkempt Garrison: But I'm not gay! Everyone just thinks I am!
Clean Garrison: Oh, stop it! What about the time you looked at Counselor Mackey's penis in the men's locker room?!
Unkempt Garrison: I was just comparing size!
Clean Garrison: For seven minutes?!
Unkempt Garrison: Aaa! [turns away in despair]
Clean Garrison: And what about the time you masturbated to the men's 100-meter swimming relay at the Olympics?!
Unkempt Garrison: I was beating off to the chicks!
Clean Garrison: THERE WERE NO CHICKS!
Unkempt Garrison: OH, DAMN YOU SPIRIT! HAUNT ME NO LONGER!
Clean Garrison: ADMIT IT!
Unkempt Garrison: NO!!!
Clean Garrison: YOU HAVE TO STOP LYING TO YOURSELF AND GET A G-
Unkempt Garrison: ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT, I ADMIT IT! I'M GAY!!! [camera zooms in as Garrison comes to terms with this admission] I'm...gay. I'm gay! [rises] I am gay! You hear that everyone? [goes towards the exit] I'm gay! I'm gay! I'm gay and it... [gets emotional] and it feels good.
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, Ms. Choksondik's classroom, a few days later. Where the chalkboard used to be are just some boards hastily put up, along with a DO NOT CROSS line and three safety cones to guard this makeshift board.
Ms. Choksondik: Alright, children, I hope you all did your- [the class once again has goggles on and the two nerds are back together in the back of the class ready to activate another machine - a microwave oven with a duck tied to it.] Oowhat is going on now?! [three kittens run up and frolic near her breasts]
Cartman: Haha, Teacher, we're traveling back in time to third grade!-God-damnit you guys, you seriously said this time you'd snap into it with me.
Ms. Choksondik: [cups her ears] Oh Good Gravy, not this again.
Cartman: Yes! We've had a new time machine built: this one out of a simple microwave oven and a duck [the contraption is shown and the duck quacks.] Au revoir, teacher! Perhaps we shall see you in the past, hahaa. Gentlemen? [the nerds activate their controllers]
Ms. Choksondik: Children, I will have order!!
Nerd #1: I can't wait for Gene Roddenberry to tell you how WRONG you are! Just like when you said there were no two-parters of Battlestar Galactica!
Nerd #2: There WEREN'T!
Nerd #1: The episode called "Gonzo on Ice Planet Zero" was a two-parter.
Nerd #2: No it WASN'T!
Stan: Oh, son of a bitch!
Nerd #1: I'll kill you! [the nerds start slapping each other again. Nerd #2 throws his controller at Nerd #1, and the controller hits the floor. The microwave is activated and soon blows up along with the bird, leaving behind a portal]
Cartman: There it is! Come on, everybody! [the kids move towards the portal]
Ms. Choksondik: Children, get back into your seats!
Cartman: No way, lady!
Ms. Choksondik: Eric, I mean it!
Cartman: You can suck my balls!
Ms. Choksondik: [strikes a meditative pose as the camera does some vertigo, then] Present them. [everyone stops what they're doing and looks at her. Nerd #2 was about to strike Nerd #1 with a desk.]
Cartman: ...What?
Ms. Choksondik: You said, "suck my balls." Well, go ahead. Whip 'em out, and I'll suck 'em.
Stan: [softly] Thah... That's what Mr. Garrison would've said.
Cartman: Touché, teacher. Touché.
Ms. Choksondik: Now, children, listen to me. Why do you want to go back in time? Life isn't about going back, it's about going forward. Yes, there are times in our life that we wish we could relive, but, if we already lived them perfectly, why live them again? The adventure of life is that there's always something new. New challenges, new experiences. A fun game is a game that gets harder as it goes. So it is with life. Do you understand?
Stan: Dude. Sh-she's right.
Kyle: Yeah. And you know, now that I think about it, third grade wasn't all that great, either.
Stan: Yeah. Third grade sucked! Cartman, why the hell did you try to make us think third grad was so great?!
Kyle: Yeah! You suck, Cartman! [the kids return to their seats, leaving Cartman alone]
Cartman: What??
Ms. Choksondik: Alright, students, that will be quite enough! If you're ready, let's continue on... with the fourth grade. [as she turns to write her name on the makeshift board, a noise is heard]
Timmy: AAAAAAA! [reappears covered in items from every time period in history]
Kyle: Hey, Timmy's back!
Stan: Dude, it looks like he's been all over time! He must have such cool stuff to tell us.
Timmy: [shifts a bit here and there] Eh, Timmih.
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, Principal's office. Chef talks with Mr. Mackey and Principal Victoria
Chef: You know I'm always here to help, Principal Victoria. [the door opens]
Mr. Garrison: [skips in happily] Ey, guess what everybody?! I'M GAY!!! [the other three look]
Principal Victoria: Mr. Garrison?
Mr. Mackey: What?
Mr. Garrison: I'm as gay as a gymnast on shore leave!
Principal Victoria: You admit it? You admit it! [the three of them gather around him smiling]
Mr. Mackey: Oh, that's great, Mr. Garrison. You've finally come to terms with yourself!
Mr. Garrison: [fairly bouncing with joy] Yeah, it feels really good!
Principal Victoria: Well, congratulations!
Mr. Mackey: Yeah, congratulations!
Mr. Garrison: You know, I, I feel like I can start anew. If it's alright with you, I'd like to go back to teaching the third grade!
Principal Victoria: Oh. I'm sorry, we don't hire gay people. [silence, then Chef, Mr. Mackey, and Principal Victoria laugh as Mr. Garrison stews]


Scene Description: Bus Stop. Stan and Kenny wait patiently. Kyle and Ike walk up. Ike is dressed in a little business suit and his hair is combed
Stan: Dude, what's your little brother doing here?
Kyle: Ike is starting his first day of kindergarten.
Stan: But isn't he only three years old?
Kyle: Yeah, but he's some kind of genius, so he's getting advanced placement in kindergarten.
Ike: I pooped my pants.
Kyle: [moves Ike aside and shows his folder] But dude, check out my new Trapper Keeper. [opens it up and displays the inside] It has five different compartments for each subject in school, [closes it and shows off the covers] and it's all covered with pictures from Dawson's Creek.
Stan: Cool!
Cartman: [walks up with his own folder] Hey, dudes. Check out my sweet Dawson's Creek Trapper Keeper Ultra Keeper Futura 2000. [slight pause. Kyle reacts] Yeah, well, [opens his up] it's got ten different compartments for every subject in school, an electronic pencil sharpener, four plastic bags with electronic zippers, copy machine, fax, a better picture of Dawson's Creek on the back than Kyle's, [opens it up again] flat-screen TV, and of course, OnStar.
Stan: Wow, cool!
Kyle: Goddammit, Cartman! You only got that because you knew my mom would buy it for me!
Cartman: Oh, but you have a Trapper Keepe- Oh, you got the little Crapper Keeper, didn't you? Well, at least your stupid brother got a briefcase.
Kyle: He's going to kindergarten because he's a genius!
Cartman: He's not a genius; he's a little douchebag.
Ike: I pooped my pants!
Kyle: He's smarter than you, fat boy! I don't even know how you made it into fourth grade! I thought-
Cartman: Trapper Keeper, I need to drown out my annoying friend. Please initiate music, country, high volume. [soft music plays and Cartman starts to dance]
Kyle: Nobody gives a crap about your Trapper Keeper, Cartman! [music continues, and the bus rolls up]
Scene Description: School bus. The boys take their seats. Cartman and Kenny sit behind Kyle, Stan, and Ike. Stan, Kyle and Kenny notice a disheveled man on the other side of the bus
Stan: Ms. Crabtree, there's another creepy homeless guy on the bus.
Ms. Crabtree: Sit down and shut up!!
Stan: But they smell like pee.
Man: [in European accent] I am not a homeless person. I am a new fourth-grade student.
Kyle: You are?
Man: Yes! My name is Bill. Bill Cosby.
Stan: Aren't you a little old to be in grade school?
Bill: I was held back ten human grades. [grimaces and grunts] I mean, grades. Do you companion-friends know Eric Cartman?
Cartman: Yeah, that's me.
Bill: Eric Cartman? And you have a Dawson's Creek Trapper Keeper Futura S 2000?
Cartman: Yeahhh, you already know about it?
Bill: Yes. Yes, I do.
Cartman: Well... [mocking] "Nobody gives a crap about your Trapper Keeper, Cartman!"
Kyle: I'm gonna shove that thing up your ass!
Stan: Dude, do you really care if Cartman has something that's better than yours?
Kyle: No, I don't! I don't care!
Cartman: [stick the notebook out] Here, Kyle. [Bill stares at Cartman's Trapper Keeper]
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, kindergarten room. The room appears festive, the wall adorned with a beaming sun with rays coming from it, rolling hills with trees here and there. The kids enter and take their places at the round table. Two miffed boys stand by the door as Ike enters the room
Boy #1: Hey, there he is. That's the kid that's s'posed to be some kind of genius.
Boy #2: Yeah, he's only three and he's already in kindergarten.
Boy #1*: Come on. [The two boys walk up to Ike and sit on the chairs on either side of him] So, you think you're smarter than the rest of us? Do you think you know more about the world just because you are only 3 and we're 5?
Ike: Unkoo baba.
Mr. Garrison: [enters the room] Okay, children, let's take our seats. [closes the door and approaches the table] My name is Mr. Garrison, and I'm the new kindergarten teacher. I used to be the third grade teacher, but I had a little [wags the index and ring finger of each hand] "nervous breakdown" and went into the mountains where I lived off of "rat carcasses". [a view of some of the kids' reactions] But I'm all better now, and the school was nice enough to let me go on teaching, as long as it was for kindergarten. [a view of other kids' reactions] But it's not a demotion. No. I mean, just because a teacher was teaching third grade and now is teaching kindergarten, that's not a demotion, is it? [the kids look confused] No, that's right, it's not. Well, let's start with roll call. Uh, let's see. Filmore Anderson?
Filmore*: Here.
Mr. Garrison: Sally Bands?
Sally: Here.
Mr. Garrison: Ike Broflovski?
Ike: Cookie Monster.
Mr. Garrison: Broflovski, I had your older brother Kyle in my third-grade class. He's a very smart kid. I'm sure you are, too. [Fillmore and his friend glare at Ike] Well that's bad news for everybody else, because I will be grading you all on a curve. [Ike looks at Filmore and friend and starts to sink in his seat]
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, fourth grade room. The class is present, along with "Bill Cosby" Cartman elaborates on the wonderful attributes of his Trapper Keeper
Cartman: And so the other thing that makes my Trapper Keeper cooler than Kyle's is that it can add any peripheral device to itself automatically. [Kyle glares at him with arms crossed.] I can take something as simple as this calculator [a Wellington Bear model] and... Trapper Keeper?
Trapper Keeper: [its TV screen turns on] Trapper Keeper active.
Cartman: Hybrid with Wellington Bear calculator.
Trapper Keeper: Ready for hybrid. [Two cables reach out and grab the calculator and pull it into a ready slot. Cartman closes the Trapper Keeper]
Cartman: And now it can use Wellington Bear calculator, too.
Kids: Wow.
Bill: [reaches over Cartman's shoulder] May I hold your Trapper Keeper?
Cartman: Uh, n-no, I'm afraid not, Bill Cosby, because it is coded to the prints on my fingers. [wiggles them outstretched] If anybody but me tries to hold it, big metal spikes come out and pierce through their hands.
Kyle: Oh, you are so full of crap, Cartman! Metal spikes will not come out!
Cartman: Oh really? [hands the folder over to Kyle] Then, why don't you hold it? [Kyle looks at it in Cartman's outstretched hand.] Well, go on, Kyle. If it doesn't have metal spikes, then hold it. [inches closer and whispers] Hold it.
Kyle: I'm gonna!
Cartman: [inches closer and whispers] Hold it.
Kyle: I will!
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, kindergarten room. Mr. Garrison is telling his life story to the kids
Mr. Garrison: And that's how the relationship with my father sort of ended. There's still some sort of skeletons in the closet, but things between us are a little better. [some of the kids are stunned. Garrison starts writing on the board] Okay, children, well now it's time for us to elect a class president, [writes up "KINDERGARTEN CLASS PRESIDENT" on the chalkboard and underlines it] so first we must pick nominees. [turns and faces the class] Who would like to nominate someone?
Boy #2: I nominate Filmore, because he's the smartest kid in the class.
Mr. Garrison: Okay, Filmore. [writes the name on the board] You'll be our first nominee. And who else? [a girl raises her hand] Yes, Jenny.
Jenny: I gotta go doodie.
Mr. Garrison: In a minute, Jenny. Who else wants to nominate a class president? [the kids stay quiet] Oh, come on! You can't have an election with just one person running! What's the fun in that? Ike? How about you? You're a genius.
Ike: [looks at an angry Fillmore and friend] No.
Mr. Garrison: Okay, our second nominee is Ike the genius. [writes the name up on the board. Filmore and friend stare at a chagrined Ike] Okay, children, now we'll hear briefly from each nominee. Filmore, why don't you go first?
Filmore: [leaves his seat, approaches the board, and faces the class] If I'm elected class president, I'll call for big ol' chairs. And on Fridays, I'll add two minutes to nap time. Thank you. [returns to his seat]
Mr. Garrison: Very enthralling. Okay, Ike? How about you?
Ike: [leaves his seat, approaches the board, and faces the class] Cookie Monster. Ice.
Mr. Garrison: ...Well, this is gonna be a tough one, kids.
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, playground. The four boys stand around the tetherball pole while two kids in front of them toss a football, two girls walk by behind them, another kid climbs the jungle gym, and another rocks on a hobby elephant
Stan: Oh, no, dude, here comes that weird new kid.
Bill: Ahhh, hello Eric. Can I be your human friend? [winces] I mean, friend?
Cartman: I don't know, dude. I'm not supposed to have any male friends that are over 30. I kind of screwed on that once.
Bill: Please. We can have fun and play games, like human four square- [coughs up] I mean, four square.
Cartman: Dude, you can't just ask to be somebody's friend and be their friend; it doesn't work that way. If you want to be my friend, you'll have to pay me.
Bil: Oh, I see. Alright, I'll pay 100 geliga stones- Uh, I mean, human dollars! Eugh, I mean dollars!
Cartman: Okay, that's cool.
Bil: [holds up the tetherball] Can we play some human tetherball?
Cartman: A-alright. Pretty sweet, you guys, getting a hundred bucks to play tetherball with some- [by this time, "Bill" has pulled away from the pole and Cartman, and has the tether taut and ready to release]
Bil: Serve! [whips the ball at Cartman, knocking him onto his back. The Trapper Keeper falls away and lands next to Kenny. "Bill" makes his move]
Cartman: Ugh..! ["Bill" goes after the Trapper Keeper and runs away with it]
Bil: Got it!
Cartman: Ey!
Stan: Dude! He's running off with your Trapper Keeper! [just then, spikes come out of the Trapper Keeper and some of them go clear through "Bill's" hands.]
Bill: [stops and looks at his pierced hands] Waa-agggh! [clenches his teeth and continues running]
Cartman: You son of a bitch! [recalls something] Wait a minute. [whips out a small gadget and activates it] Lucky for me, I have my Trapper Keeper homing device. [walks towards the source of the sound heard in the device and away from his friends]
Stan: [confused] What the hell just happened?
Kyle: [angry] Damn! I thought fourth grade was gonna be different.
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, Kindergarten. Mr. Garrison tallies up the votes so far on the board...
Mr. Garrison: So that's six votes for Filmore and six votes for Ike. [sets the chalk down and reads the last ballot] And the last vote is for... Uh, let's see. Flora, I can't tell who you voted for. [Flora, a timid, pretty blond girl trying to bury her face into her laps, which are raised up on the chair, is shown] You've got the winning vote, Flora. Who d'you pick?
Flora: I don't know... [smiles and looks down and away]
Mr. Garrison: Flora, you have to pick one. Filmore or Ike?
Flora: Um, I vote for... I don't know.
Mr. Garrison: Oh, great! Flora's undecided! Well, you're just gonna have to sit there, Flora, and think about it until you come up with an answer.
Flora: Okay.
Boy #: Flora, just say you vote for Filmore so we can all go home.
Flora: Um...
Sally: No! You want Ike to be president.
Filmore: We're gonna be here all night! Why don't you guys just concede?
Two kids: Yeah!
Sally: Why don't you just concede?
Other kids: Yeah! [the kids start to argue]
Some Kids: Filmore!
Other Kids: Ike!
Girl: I want Ike to be president! [several kids from Filmore's side rush across the table to kids on Ike's side]
Mr. Garrison: Oh, for Christ's sakes, you're all acting like a bunch o' kids!
Scene Description: South Park, day. A police car zooms down the street. Officer Barbrady flies down the road in the police cruiser with Cartman in the passenger seat and Stan, Kyle, and Kenny in the back seat. Cartman has the Trapper Tracker Keeper in his hand and is following the Trapper Keeper's signal on the Tracker's screen
Cartman: Turn left here! We're getting close! Get your gun ready!
Barbrady: Eric, I'm not gonna shoot anybody for taking your school folder.
Cartman: [grabs Barbrady's ] It was not a school folder, it was a Dawson's Creek Trapper Keeper Futura S 2000! And if- [spots "Bill"] There he is!
Bill: [turns to see the cruiser coming his way] Wagh!
Cartman: Got ya! [grabs the steering wheel from Barbrady]
Barbrady: Hey! [Cartman steers the cruiser into a building, crushing "Bill" and rattling the building]
Bill: Gaagghhh! [crumples to the floor. Barbrady and the others exit the car and gather at Bill. His left arm has been amputated, revealing functioning wires. The lower half holding the Trapper Keeper in hand. Barbrady and the boys stare in shock]
Kyle: Whoa, dude..!
Scene Description: End of act one. Time: 7:50
Scene Description: same time, later...
Cartman: Ahh, try to take my Trapper Keeper, will you?
Bill: Please. You do not understand.
Cartman: [takes his place] Book him, Barbrady. Another job well done.
Bill: [plaintive] That Trapper Keeper has to be destroyed!
Stan: Why are you so obsessed with Cartman's Trapper Keeper, Bill Cosby?
Barbrady: Bill Cosby?
Bill: Nooo! Listen to me! I am not really Bill Cosby. [the boys and Barbrady show shock] My name is BSM-471. I am a cyborg engineered by humans from the year 2034.
Barbrady: Well, I knew you weren't Bill Cosby!
BSM-471: I have come to destroy that Trapper Keeper, because it was the Dawson's Creek Trapper Keeper that belongs to an Eric Cartman in South Park which three years from now manifests itself into an omnipotent super being, and destroys all of humanity. In the year 2004, a hybrid-assimilating computer linked with a satellite uplink computer. From there it was able to slowly take over every computer in the world. [cables reach out from the Trapper Keeper and engulf two computers. The process continues engulfing all of the US] It became stronger and stronger, until by the year 2018 it broke away from mankind [skulls litter the landscape] and there was nothing the humans could do. [in the distance a Dawson's Creek Trapper Keeper tower rises] It wasn't long before Mighty Trapper Keeper started to destroy everything it saw as useless, including humans. [people are shot left and right from the Trapper Keeper's weapons] The nations tried everything to stop it. [troops line up and fire at the Trapper Keeper] Nuclear devices, seismic missiles. But nothing worked. [robotic tanks come into view, firing away at the Trapper Keeper] The humans built robots of their own, whole armies of them. [DC TK209s approach the advancing armies and fire at them] But nothing was strong enough to stop Trapper Keeper. [the battle scene fades, and BSM-471 is shown once again on the ground] And so finally, the humans decided to send one of their robots into the past to destroy the Trapper Keeper before it even got started.
Stan: Wow, that's amazing.
Kyle: Man, I guess sometimes we let our technology and stuff grow too fast.
Stan: What do you think, Officer Barbrady?
Barbrady: Huh? Oh, I'm sorry. I wasn't listening.
BSM-471: And so, Eric. Now you see why we must destroy your Trapper Keeper.
Cartman: [long pause] You guys. Did I mention that it has a pencil sharpener and a crayon sharpener?
Stan: Cartman, it takes over the world and destroy all of humanity!
Cartman: What would you guys have me do, huh?! Walk around with just a plain old Trapper Keeper like Kyle's?! Is that what you want?!
Stan: Yes!
Cartman: Aw, damnit! [throws his Trapper Keeper to the ground] Here! Take it! You want my heart as well?! You'll find it on the bottom of your shoes! [walks off to his left sadly]
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, kindergarten. The class is looking at Flora. Mr. Garrison sits on a chair looking bored
Flora: I decided.
Mr. Garrison: [jumps up] Oh, thank God, Flora! [gets ready to write] Alright, who do you vote for?
Flora: Umm... Ike.
Supporters: Yay!
Mr. Garrison: [adds the tally to Ike's total] Okay, so then the total is six for Filmore and now seven votes for Ike. Ike is the new class president.
Filmore: We want a recount.
Mr. Garrison: [miffed] What?
Filmore's Supporters: Recount! Recount! Recount! Recount!
Mr. Garrison: Oh, of all the juvenile things I've ever heard! You lost, Filmore! Don't be such a baby! [Filmore cries and throws a tantrum, pounding away on the classroom table] Alright, alright, I'll count up the ballots again. Okay, we had one vote for Filmore... [writes Filmore's name on the board. A time lapse shows him writing on a crowded board now] ...And this time, I again get six votes for Filmore and seven votes for Ike.
Filmore: Count them again.
Supporters: Yeah!
Mr. Garrison: No, children! I've recounted 106 times now and I keep coming up with seven to six! Except in the one instance where it came out seven to five, and one where it came out twelve to fourteen. It's over! Ike is class president!
Kid #2: Wait, there's still that absent kid.
Fillmore: Yeah. If Carlos is absent, we have to wait for his vote.
Mr. Garrison: Oh, will you grow up?!
Supporters: [clamoring] Absent kids count! Absent kids count! Absent kids count!
Mr. Garrison: Jesus..! Alright, we'll wait for tomorrow so the absent kid can cast his vote. Now go home! [the kids leave]
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, hallway, next day.
BSM-471: Good morning, humans.
Stan/Kyle: Hey, Bill Cosby.
BSM-471: I have successfully destroyed Eric Cartman's Trapper Keeper. I broke it apart, dipped the motherboards in acid, burned the memory chips, and sent the wiring to the four corners of Canada.
Kyle: That should do it.
Stan: So what are you going to do with your crappy robot life now, Bill Cosby?
BSM-471: Well, that is a problem that is causing me some disconcernment. I am still here, but I shouldn't be here. If Trapper Keeper has been stopped, then I should not exist. But here I am. Something is still not right.
Cartman: [walks up with another Trapper Keeper] Hey, dudes.
Stan: Cartman! You still got a Trapper Keeper!
Cartman: Yeah, I'm a genius! Last night I went home and told my mom that I lost the last one. Then I cried and I cried, and finally she felt so bad that she took me to the store and bought me a new one! [holds it up high] So everything worked out.
BSM-471: [frightened] Oh no!
Kyle: Cartman, you dumbass! You can't get a new one!
Cartman: Why the hell not?!
Stan: Because if your Trapper Keeper takes over the world, then maybe it was this Trapper Keeper and not the one before!
Cartman: Wait... so then you guys burned my last one for no reason!
BSM-471: We will have to destroy this Trapper Keeper.
Cartman: [holds his Trapper Keeper close] But I don't think I can get my mom to buy me another one.
Kyle: Don't you get it?! You can't have any Trapper Keepers, fat ass!
Cartman: Oh, that is bullcrap! And you know what I think? I think this whole thing is a setup! That's right! Kyle got this guy to say that he's a robot from the future just because he's jealous of my Trapper Keeper! And you know what else? Screw you guys. I'm going home. [moves off to his left]
Stan: Cartman!
Cartman: Ech! Screw you guys. Home. [walks away]
BSM-471: Well, that does it! [pull out a pocket phaser from his overcoat and aims it at Cartman]
Kyle: Hey! What are you doing?
BSM-471: I'm afraid I have no other choice. [pulls the phaser back] For the sake of humanity, I have to kill him.
Kyle: Oh... Okay.
Stan: Yeah, that's fine. ["Bill" aims the phaser once again] No, wait!
BSM-471: What?
Stan: Can I do it?
BSM-471: Oh, well, I suppose. [tosses the phaser to Stan]
Stan: [takes it and quickly aims] Sweet! Kiss your ass goodbye, fat boy!
BSM-471: Wait! [grabs it back] Perhaps there is another way. If you could take me to where Eric Cartman lives, I could try reasoning with his human mother.
Stan: Well, yeah, or we could just kill him.
Kyle: Yeah, that'd be faster.
Stan: He's right there.
BSM-471: I'm afraid I can't. I think I'm actually starting to feel what you humons call "compassion". It is an amazing feeling!
Stan/Kyle/ Kenny: Awww..!
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, kindergarten. Mr. Garrison stands before the class and begins to speak
Mr. Garrison: Alright children, as you know, we've been waiting for the absent kid's ballot to come in. Well, his mother was nice enough to bring him in from the hospital so that he could cast his vote. Ms. Harris? [she walks in with a little boy attached to IV bag on a pole. The kid hands him the ballot and coughs out an organ] Thank you very much, Billy. Don't forget to pick up your lung. [Billy starts to walk away, then stops to pick it up] Alright, the absent kid's ballot is for... [reads] Filmore.
Supporters: Yay./Hooray. [Mr. Garrison adds Billy's vote to Filmore's tally]
Sally: Wait one minute!
Mr. Garrison: Oh, Jesus tap-dancing Christ.
Sally: I think the ballot were misleading. Some kids didn't understand whom they were voting for.
Mr. Garrison: There's a box next to Filmore's name and a box next to Ike's! What's not to understand?
Filmore: [pointing at Sally] You're just saying that, 'cause you know you're gonna lose now.
Sally: No, I'm saying that because you are a boogerface!
Filmore: Well, just you wait, 'cause my famous aunt is on huh way right now.
Mr. Garrison: Who's your famous aunt?
Filmore: My aunt Rosie, Rosie O'Donnell.
Mr. Garrison: Your aunt Rosie O'Donnell is coming here?
Filmore: Yeah, she's very active in politics. So she's gonna set all this straight.
Mr. Garrison: [resigned] Oh no..!
Scene Description: Cartman residence, day, Cartman's room. Cartman sets the Trapper Keeper in a tray, then secures it onto a docking bay and plugs a cable into it
Trapper Keeper: Recharging.
Cartman: Sweet. You're so cool, Trapper Keeper. I would never let those assholes take you away.[singing his own Dawson's Creek theme song] I don't wanna wait for my Trapper Keeper to be overThe ways of my Trap-
Trapper Keeper: Trapper Keeper ready to ensorb. [cables reach out and grab Cartman's computer like a giant hand, and pull it towards the Trapper Keeper]
Cartman: Oh, cool.
Trapper Keeper: Trapper Keeper, merging. [cables reach out and grab a lamp and a Wellington Bear desk clock]
Cartman: [softly] Whoa...
Scene Description: End of act two. Time: 13:59
Scene Description: Cartman residence, day, dining room. "Bill" is seated at the head of the table, with Liane and Kenny to his right, and Stan and Kyle to his left
BSM-471: And so you see, Ms. Cartman, you cannot buy your son Eric another Trapper Keeper. Not now! Not ever!
Liane: Right, because it will hybrid with all those other processors and generate a whole new era of technological darkness.
BSM-471: Correct.
Liane: Well, I certainly won't buy him anymore, then... Bill. [starts flirting with him]
BSM-471: Good. Now all that is left to do is destroy the Trapper Keeper Eric has now. Where is he?
Liane: In his room. But, why don't I show you the rest of the house first? [pulls "Bill" from the chair]
Stan: Uh-oh.
Kyle: Here we go again.
Liane: Come this way, Billy. [takes him away from the table]
Stan: Well, come on. Let's go upstairs and get Cartman's Trapper Keeper ourselves. [he and Kenny leave the table, with Kyle following]
Scene Description: Cartman's room. Cartman is getting friendly with his Trapper Keeper
Cartman: Kyle is just jealous of you, Trapper Keeper. You kick ass!I don't wanna let my Trapper Keeper get-
Stan: [knocks on the door] Open up, Cartman! We're taking your Trapper Keeper! [Cartman hops off his chair and dances to the door. He locks it and continues singing]
Cartman: Screw you guys, screw you guysScrew you guys, scr-
Trapper Keeper: Trapper Keeper, ready to ensorb.
Cartman: Huh? [walks towards his computer]
Kyle: [in the hallway, pounds on the door] Dammit, Cartman, open up!
Trapper Keeper: Trapper Keeper, ready for hybrid.
Cartman: Oh, sweet. What's it gonna hybrid with now? [cables come from the monitor and grab him] Ugh-!
Stan: [pounds on the door] Cartman, you might as well open up! We're just gonna have Bill Cosby bust the door down after he finishes having sex with your mom. [he and Kyle now notice the groans coming from the room]
Kyle: Cartman? [inside, cables wrap tight around his face and go in, transforming his body into a grotesque hybrid, and the hybrid begins to grow] He's not gonna open it. Break it down.
Stan: You break it down!
Kyle: Okay. Ready? One, two, three, not it!
Stan: Not it! You lose, Kenny. [he and Kyle quickly step out of the way]
Kenny: (Awww..!) [goes to the far wall and then rushes the door, only to be plastered against the far wall...] (Argh-!) [...by the unhinged bedroom door being pushed out by the evolving Trapper Keeper. The boys are frozen in place with mouths open]
Stan: Oh my God, they've killed Kenny!
Kyle: You ba-! [the boys make a run for it down the hall and down the stairs as the Trapper Keeper oozes out of Cartman's room]
Scene Description: Cartman residence, outside. The front door opens and Stan and Kyle rush outside and away
Stan/Kyle: Agggghhh! [the Trapper Keeper bursts through every window in the house and then the house begins to crumble around it. It collapses in on itself. moves away from the house, leaving "Bill" and Liane in bed fully exposed to the elements]
Liane: [on top] Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah!
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, kindergarten. Mr. Garrison sits with the class around the table and hears some ominous noise
Mr. Garrison: What the hell is that? [walks to the window and looks out] Oh my God! What is that thing? Children, there's some huge bulbous monstrosity heading for the classroom! [some of the kids slink down in their seats] Oh my God, it's awful! It's coming for the door. [the doorknob turns and the kindergartners crouch in terror]
Rosie O'Donnell: Hello, kids!
Filmore: Aunt Rosie!
Mr. Garrison: [in a panic] Run for your lives, children! [grabs a bat] I'll try to fight it off!
Filmore: That's my aunt, Rosie O'Donnell.
Mr. Garrison: Oh. Oh, um... Pleasure to meet you, Miss Donnell. You're looking... well.
Rosie O'Donnell: Don't worry, kids. Everything's gonna be fine. What's the problem?
Filmore: Aunt Rosie. We think I won class president.
Ike Supporter: No, Ike won.
Mr. Garrison: Look, it's very simple. We took a vote and the vote tied, so now we gotta come up with a way-
Rosie O'Donnell: Well it obviously isn't that simple, is it? I mean, you'd think a little kindergarten teacher could've handled this, but now we're gonna do it my way!
Scene Description: South Park, outskirts. The Trapper Keeper enters the scene and demolishes the sign
Trapper Keeper: [now with Cartman's voice] We are Trapper Keeper.
BSM-471: [on a bluff with Stan and Kyle looking at the Trapper Keeper leave town] Oh no! It is heading for Cheyenne Mountain!
Kyle: Why is that bad?
BSM-471: It was when the Trapper Keeper assimilated with the supercomputer at Cheyenne Mountain that it was able to fuse into all defensive computers!
Stan: Then we have to stop it before it gets there! [leads the others off the bluff and onto a waiting cruiser. "Bill" takes the wheel and Kyle takes the passenger window seat]
Kyle: Step on it, Bill Cosby! ["Bill" starts the cruiser and drives off]
Scene Description: The road to Cheyenne Mountain. All is quiet. Two security guards wait at the entrance reading newspapers. The one wearing glasses looks up
Guard 2: Hey, Mark, look.
Mark: Wow. That is about the nicest Trapper Keeper I've ever seen. [a police siren is heard, and promptly "Bill" arrives with Stan and Kyle. They hop out of the car and face the Trapper Keeper]
Stan: Cartman, you have to stop!
Trapper Keeper: We are Trapper Keeper. We are one.
BSM-471: A part of your friend must still be alive in there. [the three of them study the Trapper Keeper from a distance until Stan finds a ventilation hose coming out of it. Smoke comes out of it, and a fart is heard]
Stan: He is in there.
BSM-471: That must be what Trapper Keeper is using for ventilation. If one of you could get in there, you could reach the CPU.
Stan: One-two-three, not it!
Kyle: Not- Aw, damnit..! [walks up to the hissing hose and climbs in]
Scene Description: Interior. Kyle makes his way in and scrambles through a field of organs until he reaches the memory core. The valves open up and suck Kyle into the core. Kyle floats through the core, à la 2001: A Space Odyssey'
Cartman: [à la HAL 9000] What are you doing, Kyle?
Kyle: I'm going to try and break you away from the computer, Cartman. I need to remove the CPU.
Cartman: I'm afraid I can't let you do that, Kyle.
Kyle: Screw you, fat ass!
Cartman: Hey, screw you.
Kyle: Cartman! [hits a wall with a wrench]
Cartman: Agh-! [four metallic arms from all directions reach out to trap him, then six more organic ones come in to secure him]
Kyle: No!
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, kindergarten. The kids run around arguing with each other and carry signs
Rosie O'Donnell: [sits on a chair with Filmore on her lap] Okay, so then what we're going to do is count everybody's vote by hand, and after that, we're gonna go over the votes again manually, and then-
Mr. Garrison: [throws a fit] Oh, stop it, stop it! Stop i-i-it! [the kids and Rosie look at him] Look kids, we're all in this kindergarten class together. We have to respect one another or else we're in for a terrible school year. [the kindergarteners looks at each other]
Rosie O'Donnell: [furiously] We're just making sure that the kids that voted for my nephew don't get cheated!
Mr. Garrison: Half the kids in the class didn't vote for your nephew, so what about them? You don't give a crap about them because they're not on your side! People like you preach tolerance and open-mindedness all the time, but when it comes to Middle America, you think we're all evil and stupid country yokels who need your political enlightenment! [Rosie goes offended upon hearing this] Well, just because you're on TV doesn't mean you know crap about the government! Now get your ass back on first class and respect this class's right to make up their own minds! [the kindergarteners gasp] ...Oh, sorry I got a little off the subject there, kids.
Rosie O'Donnell: [stands up throwing Filmore off] How dare you! I will not be preached at by a country bumpkin! [heads for the door and stands at the entrance] I'm leaving this Podunk town, but in my place I'm gonna send more lawyers, statesmen and press than you have ever seen! [exits and slams the door shut]
Mr. Garrison: Oh no, children, I think I've just made this a whole lot worse.
Scene Description: End of act three. Time: 18:58
Scene Description: South Park, a red sunset. A picture of the four main characters of Dawson's Creek is present. Camera zooms out, revealing Trapper Keeper covering Cheyenne Mountain. A slimy appendage reaches out and grabs a phone both next to two ladies
Ladies: Aaghh! [hurry away. The Trapper Keeper absorbs the phone booth, and another of its appendages goes after a police car]
Cops: Wagghh! [hurry away. In the distance "Bill," the two security guards, and Stan watch Trapper Keeper get bigger and bigger. Behind them, the rest of South Park gathers and sees the spectacle]
Mark: Well that does it. I'm gonna have to report this. [whips out a walkie-talkie and starts] Car one to base- [another appendage reaches down and pulls him up and away] Aghh! [Trapper Keeper swallows him up]
BSM-471: It is infusing with everything. It is already too powerful to stop!
Stan: Kyle's got to succeed. He's just got to.
Scene Description: Interior. Kyle struggles to make his way out of the little situation he's in
Kyle: I can't reach the CPU.
Scene Description: Cheyenne Mountain, outside. A limo speeds up to the scene and encounters the Trapper Keeper, which is beginning to look like the tower in "Bill"'s prophecy. Rosie O'Donnell pops out and walks up to it
Rosie: What are you doin'?! Get out of my way!
Guard 2: Oh, no! Now there's two of those things!
Stan: No, I think that other thing is Rosie O'Donnell. [an indecisive appendage hovers over Rosie]
Guard 2: Huh? Which one? I-It's just like I'm seeing double.
Rosie: [to Trapper Keeper] I said, get out of my way! [another appendage wraps around her and tries to pull her in] Aaaaggghhhh!!! [Trapper Keeper swells and heaves, and the fleshy appendage swallows Rosie up] Ogh. Noo- [the appendage pulls her up and into Trapper Keeper]
Trapper Keeper: Eeww.
BSM-471: Look! I think that infusing with Rosie O'Donnell has made Trapper Keeper sick.
Trapper Keeper: Oohh... Bad pie... Bad pie... [begins to deflate and wither. Its appendages wither and begin to drop off as it darkens]
Stan: This is your chance, Kyle! Cartman has weakened!
Scene Description: Interior. Cartman releases his hold on Kyle and Kyle drops to the floor. He quickly moves to the wall panel containing the CPU and pulls the CPU out along with some memory chips
Kyle: Got 'em!
Scene Description: Cheyenne Mountain, outside. Trapper Keeper turns into a big mass of goo, and Kyle and Cartman are spat out. Rosie ends up half-eaten. Everybody begins to approach Kyle and Cartman
Stan: He did it!
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, kindergarten. The kids are seated around the round table, and their lawyers stand behind them arguing. Mr. Garrison sits at the head of the table listening
Mr. Garrison: Okay, children, the lawyers for Ike's side have agreed with the lawyers on Filmore's side to hold another meeting regarding Form 22F. Do we all have that form? [the door opens, and in walks...]
Jesse Jackson: Is this the kindergarten classroom?
Mr. Garrison: Jesse Jackson?
Jesse Jackson: That's right! I believe the African-American in your class were misrepresented!
Mr. Garrison: [covering his face] We don't have any African-Americans in our class!
Jesse Jackson: Oh. Bye. [turns and walks out. Filmore raises his hand]
Mr. Garrison: Alright, so apparently what we're gonna do now is hand-count each person's ballot-
Filmore: Mistoreh Garrison, I concede. [Mr. Garrison's jaw drops, as do those of Filmore's lawyers]
Mr. Garrison: You... yuh, you what?
Filmore: I don't wanna play anymore, 'cause this game is stupid.
Sally: Yeah. It doesn't make any sense.
Filmore: Ike, you could be class president.
Ike: I pooped my pants!
Sally: [throws up her hands] Can we fingerpaint now?
Kids: [clamoring] Fingerpaint! Fingerpaint!
Mr. Garrison: Ohuh... Yes. [exults] Yes! Let's fingerpaint!
Scene Description: Cheyenne Mountain. Stan and the others reach Cartman and Kyle
Stan: You did it, Kyle! [to Cartman] Kyle saved your life, fat ass!
BSM-471: Look! I'm fading! [begins to fade from view] It must have worked. I don't exist! [disappears]
Stan: Huh, that's a bitch.
Cartman: Oh. Well, I guess everything's fine now. So let's go home.
Stan: Hey! Whoa whoa whoa, Cartman! All you've been doing is making fun of Kyle and now he's saved your life! You at least owe him a thank you!
Cartman: Awww, man...
Stan: Cartman!
Cartman: Alright, alright. [sighs] Kyle...