Scene Description: The McCormick house, living room. Stuart and Kevin are fighting as Carol tries to stop them while holding Karen on one arm. Kenny's on the sofa watching TV, ignoring all the drama around him.
Stuart: You think you're man enough to fight me, you little shit?!
Kevin: Yes, 'cause you're a drunk piece of shit, Dad!
Carol: You're both drunk pieces of shit! Both of you sit the fuck down!
Kevin: Shut up!
Scene Description: Kenny's watching a show that will have an unexpected twist. Right in front of the TV is an empty can of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer. Random images of white trash culture pop up. The first one is a trailer with an awning
Announcer: They're noisy.
Man 1: Fuck you, bitch! [runs out of the trailer]
Woman 1: [throws an unlabeled crumpled empty bottle at him] You son of a bitch! [the man turns around and walks back to the trailer to hit her]
Scene Description: next is a backyard fight between two women. A blonde is holding a can of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer
Announcer: They're nasty.
Woman 2: [redhead, to a blonde] You done spilled that on my titties, skank! [shoves her off her feet, taking the beer the blonde was holding and finishing it off]
Woman 3: Oww...
Announcer: They're white trash. And when you give them a little Pabst Blue Ribbon [an image of the beer bottle fills the screen], they can't help getting arrested. [Kevin picks up a block and throws it at Stuart, hitting him on the forehead. Onscreen, police break up a fight among several men] Tonight, on an all-new... White Trash... In Trouble!
Scene Description: A narrator appears on screen, wearing a beige overcoat, standing in a graffiti-riddled set
Narrator: Pabst Blue Ribbon and white trash. It's a deadly combination that can lead to prison time and children being taken away from their home. This white trash home in Colorado seems innocent enough. [The McCormick home is shown]
Kenny: [sits up upon recognizing the house] (Hmmm. What the fuck?) [goes to see what's going on. Stuart and Kevin continue to fight, and Carol tries to intervene, only to have Stuart slap her.]
Narrator: But the children in this home live in a world of neglect. There's no heating, no groceries, [a spotlight pans around the back yard] and if you look closely in the backyard, you can even make out what appears to be a meth lab. [a red arrow points to a small shed against the house which does indeed have a meth lab in it. Kenny looks out a window next to the back door.]
Kenny: [runs back to warn his parents] (Mom, the cops are here! Mom, Dad, the cops are here!) [Kevin has gotten on Stuart's back and is choking him. At the front door, police make use of a battering ram to get into the house. They all rush in and surround the family]
Cops: Down on the ground! Move it! Let's go! Move move! Get down, now! [The parents get on their knees and put their hands behind their heads. Ten officers end up in the living room with guns drawn. There are twice as many officers outside.]
Scene Description: The McCormick house, outside, night. The parents have been arrested and are escorted out by police. The kids walk out freely
Carol: No! Muh babies! Don't take my babies!
Stuart: [taken to one car] You're hurting my arm!
Carol: [taken to another] My babies!
Stuart: You're hurting me!
Officer 1: You have the right to remain silent. Now please look at the camera and say "I'm white trash and I'm in trouble."
Stuart: I'm white trash and I'm in trouble. ["IN TROUBLE" is stamped on the screen right away. This happens after every admission of "I'm white trash and I'm in trouble."]
Officer 1: Alright, good. Now get in the car! [Stuart gets in. A crowd gathers to view this scene]
Cartman: [filming with his phone] Oh wow, poor people being arrested. What a rare occurrence. [chuckles and waves with his left hand] Hi, Kenny! Kenny, wave! [to his phone] That's Kenny, about to be sent to a foster home. Pretty funny.
Officer 2: Just have a seat in there, kids. [puts the kids into the back seat]
Kevin: [still drunk, but mocking] Just have a seat in there, kids. [the cop closes the door]
Scene Description: Park County Police Station, later.
Officer 1: The mother and father will probably be released from jail on Monday, but I guess the kids are gonna be taken away for good. Child Protective Services is about to talk to them in the soft room.
Officer 3: The soft room?
Officer 1: You know, the room we have set aside for kids to feel safe in.
Scene Description: The soft room. It's a room with large pictures of friendly-faced clowns on all four walls. Against the walls are toys and games for small kids to enjoy as they wait. The McCormick kids sit on a sofa, looking around the room scared at the clown pictures. The door opens and a heavy-set man walks in.
Mr. Adams: Hi kids, how you doin'? My name's Mr. Adams and I just need to get some info from you. Does that sound okay?
Karen: [scared, sniffling, she holds on to Kenny] Can I see my mommy?
Mr. Adams: No, sorry. Now, [opens a folder] I've been looking over your file and I see you kids have all been horribly physically and emotionally abused. [the kids look at him in astonishment] Oh whoops, that isn't your case file, it's the Penn State University Gazette. [laughs] I'm joking, that's just a joke, we like to have fun here. [closes the folder and shows it to the kids] It is your case file. I was just all like "it's the Penn State Gazette" to be like a joke, we have fun. Now listen, you're gonna be put into a foster home, so I need to know... would you like to go to Neverland Ranch, a Catholic church, or Penn State University? [laughs at his own joke] We're havin' fun here, aren't we? I just, I come up with these and the guys, it's good to laugh. [goes to the door and yells into the hall] I just asked them if they wanted to go to Neverland, a Catholic church, or Penn State. [closes the door and returns to his chair] I'm a trickster. People say I'm really meant for comedy. Here's my head shot just in case you know anybody. [shows his picture, then hands out copies to the kids] Can't hurt, right? Okay, now, are we all startin' to feel a little bit better? [Karen cries] Oh come on now, how about that smile? I'm gonna GET [holds out his right palm] you to smile! I'm gonna GET [holds out his right palm again] you to smile! [silence] A Penn State administrator walks into a bar. Where's that smile? How about this one? Joe Paterno doesn't walk into a police station. Come on, that's a good one.
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The kids are in the hallway. Stan walks over to Kyle
Stan: Did you hear anything more about what happened?
Kyle: Dude, I don't think Kenny's coming back. My dad said those Child Protective Services people are pretty serious.
Stan: We can't let Kenny be sent away forever. There's gotta be something we can do.
Cartman: [runs up to the other two with a memo pad] Guys! Guys! I've been workin' on it, and I think I have some answers.
Stan: Really?
Cartman: Yeah. I've gone through every student in the school, and I'm pretty sure now that Kenny's gone, the poor kid is Craig!
Kyle: That's what you care about?! Who's the poorest kid in school now?!
Cartman: Pretty much went through everybody. Craig's got the mo- [noticing Craig coming into view] sh, sh sh sh sh. Here he comes, here he comes. [as Craig passes by] Heya, Craig, your uh... your family get you that jacket at Walmart or Kmart? [stifles a laugh]
Craig: What are you talking about?
Cartman: Nothing dude, it's cool, it's cool. I mean, we would tell your parents to shop at nicer places, but... your mom is so poor she can't even pay attention. [stifles a laugh]
Scene Description: A rundown two-story house somewhere, day. Two police officers arrive with the McCormick kids at their new home, A man answers the door as his wife stands some distance away from it.
Officer 2: Mr. and Mrs. Weatherhead, we have the new foster kids for your care. [the kids enter]
Mr. Weatherhead: Very good, we'll take them from here. Children, enter. [the kids walk in further, the cops leave, Mr. Weatherhead closes the door, and Mrs. Weatherhead's face gets stern] Welcome to your new home. Before we show you around let's get one thing clear: this is a very strict religious household! As long as you live here you will be agnostic! [leads the children to a group of nine other kids] These are your foster brothers and sisters! They are all strict agnostics! David, do you believe in God?!
David: [blond boy with glasses] I don't know...
Mr. Weatherhead: Right! There are two bedrooms upstairs! Boys' room and girls' room! Your chores are listed on their respective doors! Follow! [guides them into the kitchen] You will eat only at designated meal times! Beverages you may take from the refrigerator as you like! However, in this house you will drink only agnostic beverages! [opens the refrigerator door to reveal the contents] Dr Pep-er, and Diet Dr Pep-er! [takes out a can and shows it to the kids] Because what flavor is it?! It is neither root beer nor cola! Nobody is sure what flavor it is, and nobody can be sure! Isn't that right, Melissa?!
Melissa: [ginger girl] I don't know.
Mr. Weatherhead: Good!
Scene Description: South Park Elementary Computer Lab, day. Butters is doing research for Cartman as Cartman watches.
Cartman: This is awesome, Butters! You really think you got something?!
Butters: Yep. To find out who the poorest kid is, I actually was able to see which kids in school got those coupons they hand out for school lunch.
Cartman: Eh yeah?
Butters: So then I cross-referenced all the kids who were on half-priced lunches with the tax records of people in town to see which kids' parents actually made the least amount of money last year.
Cartman: [laughs] Heh heh, yeah?
Butters: Well actually, Eric, it's you. [Cartman keeps his smile for a few seconds more, then frowns.]
Cartman: What?
Butters: Now that Kenny's gone, [points to Cartman] your household actually has the lowest income. [Cartman is stunned, then dejected. Butters consoles him] I'm sorry, pal.
Cartman: [hops off his chair and moves off a bit, then gets a panicked look] Oh my God... If we found this out it's only a matter of time before everybody else does.
Butters: Uh, I won't tell anybody.
Cartman: [turns around and glares at Butters] Oh come on! We're not the only ones who wanted to look into this! You think, you think Kyle isn't on the computer right now tryin' to see who the poorest kid in school is?! Oh he is gonna have such a field day, that heartless Jew! [makes a fist, then crosses his arms] Well I won't give him the satisfaction!
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, hallway. Bill and Red are chatting, Lola talks to Bebe. As the kids mill around, Cartman comes around the corner and moves from person to person as he speaks.
Cartman: Alright, let's hear it for Kyle! [claps] He's so funny, isn't he guys?! With all his jokes about Cartman being poor. You guys hear how poor Cartman's mom is?! His mom is so poor the ducks throw bread at her! Hahaha! Yeah, that's super funny, guys! [Stan and Kyle turn from their lockers to look at him] Laugh it up, everyone! [ends up by Stan and Kyle] Cartman's mom is so poor that when she goes to KFC, she has to lick other people's fingers! HA! I beat you to it, Kyel!
Kyle: [slowly so that there's no mistake] My name. Is not. "Kyel".
Cartman: That's kewl! Whatever Kyel! Must be nice having everything you want! [runs away]
Scene Description: The Cartman residence, the same day. Liane enters the living room with groceries and sees her son on the armchair.
Liane: Hi, sweetie.
Cartman: [sighs] Sit down Mom, we need to have a talk.
Liane: [sets the groceries on the floor] Oh, what is it this time? [sits down on the sofa]
Cartman: Mom, how are you going to start bringing more money into this household?
Liane: What, hon?
Cartman: You have to start doing more, Mom! What are you doing with your time?!
Liane: Eric, I'm working two jobs. Mommy's doing everything she can.
Cartman: Yeah, see, the problem, Mom, is that with Kenny gone I'm now the poorest kid in skewl!
Liane: Well, we're in a tough economy, Eric. I don't know what else you want me to do about it.
Cartman: [trying to get this straight] We're in a tough economy. You don't know what else I want you to do about it. Life isn't handed to you, Mom! You can't just sit on your ass and expect some money to appear!
Liane: Eric, we aren't that much poorer than most people.
Cartman: Not much huh?! My mom is so poor, when she heard about the Last Supper she thought she was running out of food stamps!
Liane: Oh. [laughs]
Cartman: IT'S NOT FUNNY, MOM!! [runs off]
Scene Description: Cartman's room, night. Cartman is on his bed crying
Cartman: My mom is so poor she waves around a Popsicle and calls it air conditioning. I wish I could be put in a kewl foster home like Kenny's familyyy.
Scene Description: The Weatherhead house, night. There are cows everywhere and no pavement on the sidewalk or path to the house. In the girls' room there are six girls, and one of them is crying while the others sleep. It's Karen. A shadow comes over her and she stops crying when she notices. She gets on her knees in bed
Karen: Huh? [calms down] Oh, it's you. [smiles. In the window is Mysterion!] I was wondering when you'd appear. You always come when I'm sad.
Mysterion: You are going to be okay, Karen! You have to keep believing that!
Karen: Why did my mommy and daddy go to jail?
Mysterion: [thinks a moment] Sometimes, people do stupid things. Sometimes they don't realize what should have come first. Until it's too late.
Karen: But I'm all alone now.
Mysterion: You are not alone. No matter where you go, no matter what you do, I will always be here! Do you understand?
Karen: I'll try, guardian angel.
Mysterion: Don't try, Karen. Do. [the bedroom light comes on]
Mr. Weatherhead: What in the name of nobody knows are you doing, Karen?! [she looks back at him, then at the window. Mysterion is gone. Mr. Weatherhead goes to the window and looks out to see what Karen was looking at. Failing to see him, he closes the windows and keeps vigil for a bit]
Scene Description: Park County Police Station. A phone rings and one of the officers answers it.
Officer 4: Police man. [starts taking notes] Yes. Yes. Alright, thanks for the tip. We'll check it out. [hangs up] Better call the lieutenant. Looks like we've got another meth lab in town.
Scene Description: The Cartman house, night. The front yard is full of police, and a few of them are inside, as seen through the open front door. Liane is being arrested and nearby are two suitcases
Officer 5: Got any needles on you? Any crack pipes?
Liane: Oh, oh, my goodness no. I haven't used drugs in quite a while.
Officer 5: Then why is there a meth lab in your backyard?
Cartman: [comes down the stairs in a Hawaiian shirt] What is going on here? Mom, what have you done? Were things so bad for you financially you had to turn to a life of crime?! My mom is so poor she uses Cheerios for earrings. Well... guess I'm off to a foster home then. [walks over to the suitcases and grabs the handles] Hawaii is my first choice. Something not exactly on the beach but maybe just a short walk away? [turns left and begins to walk out] It's gonna take me years to recover from being torn from my mother's arms. Only the ocean breezes and coconut trees can help me now.
Officer 5: When will you people learn to lay off the Pabst Blue Ribbon? Now look at the camera and say "I'm white trash and I'm in trouble."
Liane: Oh. Ah, I'm white trash and I'm in trouble.
Scene Description: Park County Police Station, day, the soft room. Cartman sits there waiting for Mr. Adams, who soon enters.
Mr. Adams: Hi there, how you doin'? My name's Mr. Adams, and I'm with Child Protective Services. [sits down, but just as quickly gets up] Here's my head shot. [gives Cartman a picture of himself] I just need to get some information from you if that's okay.
Cartman: [sets the picture aside] Yeah, yeah.
Mr. Adams: Okay, now it says here your mother was operating a meth lab.
Cartman: That's right.
Mr. Adams: And it also says here that Penn State prefers to be losing at halftime? Because at Penn State they like when you're a little behind in the locker room. That's a joke. Did you get that one? It's a play on words, we like to have fun here.
Cartman: Wha'? Dude, do you think this is funny?!
Mr. Adams: We just - no, we just like to have fun here.
Cartman: Well I'll tell you somethin'! Being from a low-income household isn't funny! Oh heell no, my momma's so poor she opened a Gmail account just so she could eat the spam! [Mr. Adams doesn't look too happy]
Mr. Adams: What? What, is that supposed to be some kind of joke? You think you're funny?
Cartman: A joke?! You think being poor is a joke?!
Mr. Adams: Could be worse.
Cartman: How?!
Mr. Adams: Could be in Happy Valley! On a scale from 1 to 10, how old should you be to stay away from Penn State?
Cartman: Dude, my momma's so poor when she gets mad she can't afford to fly off the handle so she's gotta go Greyhound off the handle!
Mr. Adams: [sighs] Two Penn State administrators walk into a butt-!
Scene Description: On the road, day. Two police officers drive Cartman towards his new foster home
Cartman: Jesus, this is a long drive. Are we in Hawaii yet?
Officer 6: Hawaii?
Cartman: Yeah, that's where I requested to be sent.
Officer 7: Your foster home is here, pretty much the exact opposite of Hawaii.
Cartman: What?? [looks out the window. A sign on the side of the road says "Welcome to Greeley, 'The Exact Opposite of Hawaii" Please drive safely" A crow stands on top of the sign] Greeley?
Scene Description: The Weatherhead residence, same day. The kids are mopping, dusting, sweeping, or scrubbing the dining room area. Kenny is scrubbing the floor while Karen sweeps up nearby with a push broom. One boy is vacuuming the throw rug in the living room. Mr. Weatherhead walks by
Mr. Weatherhead: Come on now! This is not the way we've told you to tidy up! Remember? Cleanliness is next to godliness, so make it kind of clean but not too much! Amanda! More ambiguous on the dusting! [there's a knock on the door] Kenneth, answer the door! [Kenny gets up and walks to the front door, opens it, and allows Cartman in and closes the door]
Cartman: What the? Dude, this is like poorer than my old house!
Kenny: (What the fuck are you doing here?!)
Mrs. Weatherhead: Hello Eric, your room is upstairs on the left. Are you hungry?
Cartman: You're my new mom?
Mrs. Weatherhead: You can call me Mom if you like.
Cartman: Alright Mom, how much money do you make? Like gross yearly income after taxes?
Scene Description: Upstairs. The boys' room is opened and Mr. Weatherhead shows Cartman in.
Mr. Weatherhead: This is where you'll sleep with your foster brothers. You will be clean, polite, and most importantly, you WILL follow the agnostic code: We cannot know with certainty if God or Christ exists. They COULD. Then again there COULD be a giant reptilian bird in charge of everything. Can we be CERTAIN there isn't? NO, so it's pointless to talk about. Now say it with me.
Cartman: Goddamn, I've gotta sleep in a room with six other people?! How poor are we?!
Mr. Weatherhead: HEY! We do not take the Lord's name in vain in this house, just in case there is one! Do you understand, or do you need the punishment room?!
Cartman: Oh heell naw! [yells into the hallway] Mom! Dad's being mean to me! Mem! MEEM! [Mrs. Weatherhead walks in]
Mrs. Weatherhead: My name. Is not. Meom!
Scene Description: Greeley Elementary, day. There are cows all over the campus and the building is even plainer than South Park Elementary's. Inside, Cartman walks with Kenny and Karen down the hallway
Cartman: Oh God, I'm so nervous. These kids all seem kind of mean.
Karen: I'll see you at recess, right?
Kenny: (I'll be there, Karen.) [Karen walks into her classroom]
Cartman: You've already been here awhile, Kenny, so you have to introduce me to your friends, okay? And make sure they know I'm kewl. You've gotta have my back, Kenny! [Kenny walks up to a group of his new friends]
Boy 1: [with thick wavy hair] Oh hey, Kenny. Who's this?
Kenny: (This is Eric Cartman.)
Boy 2: [the tall one] Does he live with you at the foster home?
Cartman: [moves past Kenny] Okay, alright, so listen: I know our family is poor, okay?! But before we lived there, Kenny was actually poorer than me! So technically, he's the poorest kid at this school!
Boy 1: What are you talking about? The poor kid in this school is Jacob Hallery. [Hallery is shown seated on some steps, looking unkempt and eating moldy bread]
Cartman: Really?
Boy 2: Yeah, dude. His dad died five years ago and his mom went crazy from depression, so she can't even keep a job.
Cartman: [jumps for joy] YES! Yeheah, did you hear that Kenny?? We're good! I seriously thought we didn't stand a chance, but now... everything's gonna be okay! Cause I'm not (I'm not) the poor kid at school! [runs up to Jacob] Let's hear it for Jacob Hallery, guys! His mom is so poor she cuts coupons out to be institutionalized! Greeley Colorado's the place to be! It's a whole new beginning for you and me! Life can only get better 'cause I know one simple ruuule! I'm not (he's not) the poor kid at school!
Boy 1: Did he do stuff like this at your old school?
Kenny: (Uh huh.)
Cartman: Let's put our hands up, everyone! 'Cept for Jacob. His mom is so poor she only understands hand-OUTS. [laughs even harder]
Scene Description: The principal's office, later. Cartman is facing the principal now.
Principal: Eric, at Greeley Elementary we do not tolerate students making fun of other students.
Cartman: I wasn't making fun of anybody.
Principal: [reading from a report about the incident] A twenty-minute song and dance number with forty seven "Yo momma so poor" jokes directed at Jacob Hallery, which ended in a finale with fireworks.
Cartman: I was just teasing.
Principal: Your case worker has been notified, and he is not happy.
Cartman: My case worker? [looks over his shoulder and sees Mr. Adams walk in] Oh, not this guy!
Mr. Adam: I know this is a difficult adjustment for you, Eric! But you can't just turn all your frustrations on a little kid who can't defend himself! I mean, what do you think this is?! The shower room at Penn State?! I'm kidding. We like to have fun in our department, so I was like, I was like, "What? Is this like the shower room at Penn State?!" I joke around. This is my head shot. [hands the principal a picture of himself]
Cartman: Will you stop with the Penn State jokes?! All you're doing is taking something topical and revamping old Catholic jokes!
Mr. Adams: [a few seconds of silence] Oh! Oh, and "your momma" jokes are better?! They've been around since the '50s!
Principal: [exasperated, he pounds both fists on the desk] What the hell does this have to do with anything?!
Girl 1: Principal, you've gotta send help to the playground! They're about to beat up that new kid!
Scene Description: The playground outside. Karen has been singled out and the other kids close in on her.
Jessica: Aww, look at the new kid and her wittle dolly. You gonna cry some more in class, wimp?!
Boy 3: L-leave her alone.
Jessica: Shut up! You foster twerps are all the same! Come on! Hand over the doll! [from on high Mysterion drops down in front of Karen] Who the hell is this?!
Mysterion: How about you find another little girl to pick on?
Jessica: Mind your business, Peter Pan! [Mysterion kicks her in the stomach, then gives her a flying punch across the face which leads to a black eye, and punches her again, leading to her falling on her face]
Mysterion: [pulling Jessica's head up by her hair] Karen McCormick is off limits! Do you understand?! Make sure everybody in this school knows! [drops some Chinese fireworks as a distraction while he takes Karen up to the roof.]
Scene Description: The Weatherhead house, night. The family is at table. Mr. Weatherhead leads grace as Mrs. Weatherhead serves dinner individually.
Mr. Weatherhead: And if this food comes as a gift from some divine intelligence, we understand that an intelligent being cannot blame us for questioning its existence. Nobody knows, nobody can know if any deity is watching over us. Amen.
Boy 4: Except for Karen's guardian angel.
Mr. Weatherhead: What?
Melissa: Where did he take you after he saved you, Karen?
Karen: He just took me back to my classroom. Then he disappeared like always.
Mr. Weatherhead: [pounds the table] What have we told you about making up angel stories?!
Girl 3: But we SAW him. He leaped down from the sky.
David: And he kicked the crap out of Jessica Pinkerton. [the other kids begin to chime in]
Mrs. Weatherhead: [moving quickly to the head of the table] Stop it, children! We do not speak such certainties in this house!
Mr. Weatherhead: Get down to the basement, all of you! It's time for the Punishment Room! [Kenny gets angry]
Scene Description: The basement, also known as the Punishment Room, later. David is now tied up and dangling from one of the beams. Mrs. Weatherhead douses him with a torrent of Dr Pep-er. The Weatherheads have kegs of it down there.
David: AAAAAAAH!
Mr. Weatherhead: Now, did you see an angel?!
David: No, I - no - I didn't see an angel.
Mr. Weatherhead: No, you can't be certain of that! You might've seen one! [to his wife] Hit him with the Dr Pep-er again. [the wife lets loose the drink once again, then stops] Are there such things as angels?!
David: Maybe.
Mr. Weatherhead: Good! [the wife lets loose the drink once again]
Karen: What do we do, Kenny? [Kenny isn't there] Kenny?
Mr. Weatherhead: What is the meaning of life?!
David: It's impossible to knoooow!
Mr. Weatherhead: That's right! [a knock is soon heard, and it's persistent]
Mrs. Weatherhead: Who could that be? [the adults go upstairs and to the front door to answer it]
Mr. Adams: Mr. and Mrs. Weatherhead, I received some disturbing news that all you're providing the foster children here to drink is soda?
Cartman: Haha, I told on you Mom and Dad!
Mr. Weatherhead: What business is that of yours?!
Mr. Adams: It's my business because Child Protective Services is accountable for these kids! [he now talks more calmly] Have I given you my head shot?
Mrs. Weatherhead: Yes, yes, we have that.
Mr. Adams: Okay now, are you only giving these kids Dr Pepper to drink?
Mr. Weatherhead: If we want to serve agnostic beverages in this house, then by Goddish we'll do it! The children you've sent here are undisciplined and talking about the certainty of angels! [a window breaks upstairs and the Weatherheads go up to see where it broke]
Mr. Adams: Excuse me! [waits, then sighs] Let's have a look around.
Scene Description: Upstairs, the Weatherheads enter the girls' room and find the walls covered in colored question marks - the sign of Mysterion. The Weatherheads walk towards the window
Mr. Weatherhead: What the? Who did this?
Mrs. Weatherhead: What is that? [Mysterion turns right and runs down the hallway and into the boys' room. The Weatherheads follow suit and find Mysterion squatting on the window sill. Mysterion drops down and out of view. The Weatherheads reach the window]
Mrs. Weatherhead: It was like a... little mystery person... flying around.
Mr. Weatherhead: Almost like some kind of... agnostic angel. [notices a note pinned to the outside wall with a knife. He removes the note and reads it. "Look in the fridge."]
Scene Description: The basement. Mr. Adams and Cartman get to the floor and Mr. Adams finds the door to the Punishment Room locked, so he decides to run into it. This proves successful, and Mr. Adams gets to see what his work has led to.
Mr. Adams: Oh my God. [David is still dangling from the beam and the other kids are still in the corner by the water heater] What's going on here?
David: [softly] We don't know... We can't possibly know...
Mr. Adams: [leans back on the door frame] What have I done? [sits in the doorway with his head in his hands] I took you kids from your parents without even checking into where you were going! I put innocent children into a dangerous environment! What am I, a recruitment coach for Penn State? [begins to cry. Cartman laughs] It's not funny!
Scene Description: The ground floor. The Weatherheads make their way slowly to the refrigerator.
Mr. Weatherhead: There's nothing in there but Dr Pepper, right? There can't be. [inside is one can of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer with a question mark attached to it with a spring. Mrs. Weatherhead opens the door quickly and finds the can]
Mrs. Weatherhead: Ohhh...
Mr. Weatherhead: How did that get here?! [takes the can out, and his wife closes the door] It says it's a Pabst Blue Ribbon.
Mrs. Weatherhead: What is it?
Mr. Weatherhead: [opens the can and takes a sip] It's like beer... but different. [hands it to his wife]
Mrs. Weatherhead: [takes a sip] But how did it get here? [they begin to take turns sipping the beer.]
Scene Description: Outside. Greeley police cars have pulled up and cops have poured out. Some of them are taking the Weatherheads out of the house as the foster kids watch.
Mr. Weatherhead: Shut your mouth, bitch!
Mrs. Weatherhead: You shut your mouth, you filth-fucking asshole!
Mr. Weatherhead: Fuck you, bitch!
Greeley officer 1: You have the right to remain silent. Now look at the camera and say "I'm white trash and I'm in trouble."
Mrs. Weatherhead: I'm white trash and I'm in trouble!
Greeley officer 2: Get in the car, you!
Mr. Weatherhead: Wait a minute, I'm white trash and I'm in trouble?
Mr. Adams: No, no, take all these kids back to their parents! We've embarrassed the system and made it something nobody wants to be a part of! It's like a Penn State homecoming party! [covers his face and begins to cry. Nearby, Cartman is already in the back seat of a cruiser as a third cop talks to him]
Greeley officer 3: A false police report can carry up to a two-month prison term, son.
Cartman: I'm not saying it.
Greeley officer 3: We can do this the easy way, or we can do it hard!
Cartman: I'm not saying it!
Greeley officer 3: Then we'll add another charge for resisting!
Cartman: Okay, fine! [turns to the camera] I'm white trash and I'm in trouble!
Narrator: Three arrests in just one power-packed episode, proving once again that we are all just one Pabst Blue Ribbon away from becoming... white trash in trouble! Sponsored by Schlitz.
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The kids are once again in the hallway, but this time they're cheering Kenny's return
Stan: Well it sure is good to have you back, Kenny.
Kenny: (Thanks, Stan.)
Kyle: I hear your parents might give up selling meth for good.
Kenny: (Good for me.)
Cartman: [walks up] There he is, there's my buddy.
Kyle: How was jail, fatass?!
Cartman: Well, I did a lot of thinking. And you know, guys, there's an important lesson I think we've all learned. What do we do when the tables are turned? The day's looking brighter. Gray skies are turning blue. 'Cause I'm not (He's not, he's not) the poor kid at school! Kenny's back and it's such a thrill. Now I'm rich just like Stan and Kiul! All that matters is no one thinks I'm a tool! 'Cause I'm not (He's not, he's not) That's right, the poor kid in school. Sing it with me, guys! He's not the poor kid in school. (He's not) I'm not- [a giant reptilian bird's head smashes through the roof and second floor of the school and the kids clear out as the head looks around]
Kids: Aaaah! [the beak grabs Kenny and swings him back and forth between the lockers]
Kenny: (AAAAHH!) [the bird opens its mouth and swallows Kenny, then flies away. The kids look through the massive hole left by the bird]
Stan: ...What the fuck?!
Cartman: [begins to cry and walk away while Kyle stares angrily at him] Aww, my mom is so poor she walks down the road with one shoooe. [backs up] And if you ask her if she lost a shoe, she'd say "No, I found ooone."


Scene Description: The Donovan house. Stan, Kyle, Cartman, Kenny and Clyde are playing football in the backyard.
Stan: Throw it here! Throw it here! [Clyde throws the ball.] Yeah! Nice one, Clyde! [Clyde's mom shouts through the window.]
Betsy: Clyde! Clyde! Clyde, get up here! Hurry! [Clyde runs in with panic. The boys follow him.]
Scene Description: Betsy is waiting Clyde in the bathroom with an angry expression. Clyde comes in and the other boys wait him outside.
Betsy: [points at the toilet] What is that?
Clyde: A toilet?
Betsy: That's right. It's a toilet, Clyde. And where is the toilet seat? It's up, because you left it up, again! We've been through this countless times, Clyde.
Clyde: Okay mom, just not in front of my friends okay?
Betsy: No, not okay. Because you aren't getting the message! What if I'd fallen in? Start listening to me! Put it down! Put it down! [Clyde hurriedly puts it down. Betsy walks to the door] Thank you. [Clyde stands alone, embarrassed.]
Cartman: [whistles] Dude, that sucks, Clyde. A mom shouldn't be able to put rules on toilet-time like that. Toilet-time is the last bastion of American freedom.
Kyle: Is your mom always like that dude?
Clyde: Look, could you guys just not say anything about this in school, please?
Cartman: [puts his arm on Clyde] Of course, man. It's cool.
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The kids are in class.
Cartman: [imitating Clyde's mom] Clyde, Clyde! What have I told you about pissing on the seat? And Clyde's all like "Ah, okay mom, fuck! Not in front of my friends! [He laughs, Butters joins him.]
Kyle: Cartman, it was actually really lame.
Cartmam: I know, right. Women are just jealous 'cause they have to sit outwards to pee and crap.
Butters: [laughs] Wait a minute! You're supposed to poop on the toilet facing out? [looks around] But I thought you sit on the toilet this way. [demonstrates by sitting backwards on his chair] So that you have that nice little shelf for your comics and chocolate milk? Well, because you got the flusher right here. No? [turns around] Oh jeez, that's embarrassing.
Betsy: [offscreen] Clyde! Clyde! [comes in wearing a nightgown, a coat and slippers] There you are!
Clyde: Mom?
Betsy: Clyde Donovan, you come home this instant!
Clyde: Why?
Betsy: What have I told you about putting the toilet seat down after you go to the bathroom?
Clyde: Mom, I'm in class.
Betsy: How many times do I have to tell you Clyde? I was trying to get ready for work and the toilet seat was up, again.
Roger: Betsy, come back home. It's just not that big a deal.
Betsy: No, Roger! It's a disgusting habit and I'm sick and tired of it. If I had sat down, I would have gotten toilet water all over my vagina.
Butters: My grandma is from Virginia. [smiles]
Betsy: You're coming home right now, and you're putting the seat down where it belongs. Let's go.
Clyde: [Looks down in embarrassment, leaves the classroom.]
Scene Description: The Cartman house, night. Cartman is lying on his bed with his pajamas on and he is cutting his toenails and eating Thwizlers while talking on the phone.
Cartman: Dude, I'm telling you it was fucking hysterical. Clyde had to get up in the middle of class and follow his mom home to put the seat down. He was so embarrassed, dude, I thought he was gonna die.
Scene Description: The Broflovski house, night. Kyle is talking on the phone while his family is seen eating dinner behind.
Kyle: I know, fatass. I was there.
Cartman: His mom... His mom goes: "Clyde you're an asshole and now I have toilet water in my vagayjay."
Kyle: That's not what she said. You're putting extras on again. It's not that funny.
Cartman: I know dude. The bathroom is the last bastion of American freedom.
Kyle: Don't you just feel a little bad for Clyde?
Cartman: Nuh-uh.
Kyle: Well you should. The poor guy shouldn't be screamed for something that just isn't that big a deal at all. [police siren is heard offscreen.]
Scene Description: The Donovan house, night. The police, firefighters, ambulance and a crowd of people has gathered around the house. A ladder is placed to reach the second floor window. The camera pans to Stan and Kenny with Kyle approaching them.
Kyle: What's going on?
Stan: They are trying to save Clyde's mom.
Kyle: From what?
Stan: They're saying Clyde left the toilet seat up again.
Scene Description: The Donovan's bathroom. Betsy is stuck in the toilet, moaning and desperately trying to get herself out. Three firemen, a paramedics figure and Clyde are standing beside her.
Fireman 1: Hang it there. You're going to be fine okay? Stay with me now. [Another fireman approaches Roger.]
Fireman 2: I'm sorry, there's nothing we can do.
Roger: What?!
Fireman 2: When she fell into the toilet, she also made it flush. It created a suction that's literally pulling out her insides.
Roger: Can't we disconnect the toilet from the plumbing?
Paramedic: Yes, we'll have to, but when we do that the change in pressure will rip out her organs.
Clyde: But she's not gonna die, is she?
Fireman 2: Why did you leave the toilet seat up, son?
Betsy: Clyde! Clyde! [Clyde goes next to her.] Clyde, I want you to know I don't blame you for this. We should have been h-h-harder on you all those times you left the toilet seat up.
Clyde: Mom, I'm sorry.
Betsy: Shhh! Sh! I.. don't... have a lot of time, Clyde. Just please put the toilet seat down from now on for your sister's sake, please. Oh, God, please let me go. Let me go. Do it! Do it! Do it! [The third fireman shuts off the plumbing. Betsy screams while her organs are pulled out, then stops, apparently dead.]
Clyde: Mom?
Scene Description: The church. It's the funeral of Betsy Donovan. A plain chant is heard. Stephen Stotch is giving his speech.
Stephen: I'll always remember Betsy Donovan's kind nature, more than anything. She always treated people with dignity and respect. [The camera zooms out. Betsy's corpse in the coffin is seen with a heavy make-up and a pink dress, yet still stuck in the toilet.] What a tragedy she had to leave us so soon. But I'm sure Betsy is hoping that her death will help women everywhere, just take that extra second to look before they sit on a toilet. [Sharon and Sheila look at each other in disbelief.]
Linda: I'd like to say on behalf of the departed, that it isn't a woman's responsibility to see that the seat is down. It's a man's responsibility to put it down. It's not that hard. [all the women start to applause]
Women: Yeah, yes. That's right.
Man With Grey Hair: [reads from a paper] Putting the toilet seat down isn't that hard. So is it too much to ask women to just look and put it down before they go plopping their butts blindly to the toilet bowl?
Woman With Brown Hair: My God, people. This is a funeral! Please have some respect! There's a little boy here who has lost his mother! [Clyde is shown, looking down in sorrow] He'll never see her again, because he couldn't take that sixth-tenths of a second to put the seat down when he was done peeing. [camera shows the woman again] And now little Clyde's mother is dead, and the blood is on his penis. [organ music is played]
Scene Description: The Cartman house, day. Two men from the TSA ring on the door. Cartman is watching Terrance and Phillip while eating cereal.
Terrance: Crap. It's too bad we didn't find any treasure on the subway, Phillip.
Phillip: Oh, hello, Ugly Bob. [the doorbell rings again]
Ugly Bob: Hello Terrance. Hello Phillip.
Cartman: Mom, get the door! [Liane walks in to answer the door]
Terrance: You're looking hideously ugly today, Ugly Bob.
Ugly Bob: How come you guys say stuff like that?
Phillip: Because you're goddamn ugly... [The sound from the TV fades away]
TSA agent 1: Hello ma'am, we're the Toilet Safety Administration.
Liane: The what?
TSA agent 2: After the recent tragedy, new safety regulations require us to check every toilet for security. Can we come in?
Liane: Oh sure. [The TSA employees come in and go upstairs to the bathroom.]
Cartman: Who are these buttholes?
Liane: It's the Toilet Safety Administration, hun. They're gonna do something to the potty.
Cartman: My potty? What are they going to do to it? [runs upstairs]
Scene Description: The hallway. The TSA employees enter the bathroom while Cartman runs after them.
Cartman: Hey, hey! That's my bathroom! [Liane follows him]
Scene Description: The bathroom.
TSA agent 1: Oh yeah, we're gonna have to completely redo this ma'am.
Liane: Oh.
TSA agent 1: You need to have this counter moved to a minimum of six inches, but we'll go ahead and install your safety belt.
Liane: Safety belt?
TSA agent 2: Federal law requires all toilets to be fitted with a safety harness so that nobody can fall in.
Cartman: Dude, you can't make me wear a seatbelt to take a dump.
TSA agent 2: This is for your safety. A woman died, you know.
Cartman: Yeah but the blood's on Clyde's wiener, not mine.
Scene Description: Hoffman & Turk Law Office. Clyde, Kyle, Stan and Jimmy are talking to an attorney who is reading a case file.
Kyle: Sir, we are really worried about our friend Clyde. Everywhere he goes people are telling him he had blood on his wiener.
Attorney: Uh-uh, go on.
Stan: We keep trying to tell him maybe this all isn't his fault. Maybe the people who made the toilet are to blame for what happened.
Kyle: So we were just wondering if we could sue somebody.
Attorney: You can always sue somebody.
Kyle: All right, you see, Clyde. Okay, we wanna help him sue whoever invented the toilet.
Attorney: You got it. [types on his computer] Here we go, the inventor of the toilet. [the camera shows the webpage he's reading, which turns out to be a Wickie page] Sir Thomas Harrington. In England, died in 1692.
Kyle: Aw, he's dead?
Stan: So then we can't sue him?
Attorney: Why not? You can always sue somebody. It's just gonna take some special protocol. We would have to perform a sue-ance. [spooky music, lightning and thunder follow]
Jimmy: A...a...a...a sue-ance?
Attorney: You bet. Here at Hoffman and Turk we specialize in suing the dead. If you hire us, we'll work hard, for you.
Stan: Wow, really?!
Kyle: [puts his arm around Clyde] You hear that Clyde?
Attorney: Now look. I'll be asking all of you to have a very open mind and a willingness to face you fears. [draws a curtain] I warn you boys. A sue-ance can be very... expensive.
Stan: How expensive?
Attorney: How much do you have?
Kyle: Clyde got $3000 from his mom's life insurance
Attorney: Wow! That's exactly how much a sue-ance costs. [Dramatic music plays. The camera zooms to the man, then pans to the boys.]
Jimmy: Wow, that's weird.
Scene Description: Randy is sitting on a toilet. He yawns, then farts. A ladder is put on the window, with a cop on it knocking on the window
Randy: Aw, damn it. [reaches the seatbelt. The cop knocks again, so he opens the window.] He, hey officer.
Officer: If you're stting on the toilet you need to wear your safety belt, sir.
Randy: Yeah, I know, I had it on. I just took it off for a second to get the uh... to get to the uh...
Officer: The address here is 260 Avenue de los Mexicanos?
Randy: Oh, come on, don't give me a ticket!
Officer: Gotta wear your safety belt or you could fall in.
Randy: I'm not gonna fall in. I'm not a chick. [puts his belt on]
Officer: The law is the law sir. [hands over the ticket] You can pay this by mail or appear in court on that date. Have a good day, sir. [leaves]
Randy: Yeah thanks. [under his breath] Asshole.
Officer: [comes up] You say something?
Randy: No, I was talking to my asshole. C-C'mon, asshole. Let's get back to work. [the cop leaves]
Scene Description: International House of Pancakes (IHOP), day. Cartman and Butters are in the long line for the bathroom. Butters looks impatient because of retaining his pee.
Cartman: This is unbelievable. Stupid Toilet Safety Administration. You can't even take a crap at IHOP without a forty minute line!
R. Booth: Shoes off, belts off! Sharp objects go in the plastic tray!
Man 1: This is inhumane.
R. Booth: Shut up! Sir.
Scene Description: Two TSA agents are examining a woman for the toilet pass.
R. Wiley: Taking a dump today, ma'am?
Woman 2: No, just need to pee.
R. Wiley: I'll just need to check inside your aaasshole. [Cartman comes in]
Cartman: Hey, how about you people speed it up in here? I'm about to crap my pants and I demand access to the toilet right now!
R. Wiley: All right, do you mind if I touch your balls, sir?
Cartman: What? Yes I'd mind! Do you mind if I touch your fucking balls?
Gerald: [flushes and comes out the toilet cabin] Okay, I'm done.
R. Wiley: Alright, sir. I just need to check inside your aaasshole. [takes out a handkerchief and starts wiping his butt]
Gerald: I don't need you wiping my ass for me. I'm a grown man.
R. Wiley: Yes, you're a big boy, aren't you, sir?
Gerald: Yeah, I'm a big boy.
R. Wiley: That's a big boy, sir.
Gerald: I'm a big boy. I took a big boy poop.
R. Wiley: Yes.
Scene Description: Stan, Kyle, Clyde, Jimmy and the attorney are sitting around a table in a dark room. The attorney lights two candles.
Attorney: Alright boys, sit down and clear your minds. The sue-ance is about to begin. Doors and windows are locked. You boys have your $500 in cash ready?
Stan: [holds the money] Yeah.
Attorney: Alright. Then I've got this big bowl set here to catch all money we're about to make. Now. Let us start. [holds hands with Jimmy and Clyde, then closes his eyes, so does Jimmy] We call out to the land of the dead. Sir John Harrington. Your presence is requested. Appear to us, John Harrington. We have a subpoena.
Jimmy: Jeez, it's not working.
Attorney: John Harrington. My client is due compensation for negligence. [a creepy music plays. The table starts to rock, much to the Stan and Kyle's surprise.] What is your name, spirit?
Spirit: [offscreen] Burns. Jimmy Burns. What's it to you? Who are you, mugs?
Attorney: [under his breath] That's how people talked in the past. [to the spirit] We have a claim against a John Harrington. Do you know him, spirit?
Burns: Well, maybe I do and maybe I don't. Might need a little something to jar my memory.
Attorney: We gotta grease him. Put a hundred in the box. [Stan puts the money. The money disappears with a sparkling effect.]
Burns: Oh yeah, Harrington. I know him. Always going round inventing things.
Attorney: Yes, that's him. Is his personage amongst you?
Burns: Well, maybe it is and maybe it isn't.
Attorney: Give him another hundred. [Stan puts the money, it disappears like the previous one]
Burns: Yeah, I've seen him around, alright. He was just down that way, bragging about some porcelain machine and whatever. [the table rocks]
Spirit 2: Nooo! Nooooo!
Attorney: By the power of Christ, we sue you! [fireworks start to pop] By the power of Christ, we sue you!
Spirit 2: You can't sue me! [the drawers around the room move]
Attorney: Quick, put the other $300 in the box! [Stan tosses the money. The attorney swings the box, gasping for breath.] This actually went really, really well. Always happens some bureaucrat tries to block the first sue-ance attempt, but this was good. We'll get him tomorrow.
Clyde: So that's it?
Attorney: Yeah, we're gonna need about 400 more dollars tomorrow. I know you're sad about your mom, Clyde, but don't worry. We're going to win this thing.
Scene Description: The Marsh house, morning. Randy walks in the hallway to the toilet. He is in his morning gown, hold a coffee in his hand.
Scene Description: The toilet. The two TSA agents from IHOP are there. R. Wiley is sitting behind a plastic tray.
R. Wiley: Put your coffee in the plastic tray please, sir.
R. Booth: Shoes off. Belts off.
Rand: [takes off his gown] Yeah yeah.
R. West: Got any metal in your pockets?
R. Wiley: I just need to check your asshole.
Randy: [sighs, then turns around, lowering his pants] So ridiculous.
R. Wiley: [examines his ass with a flashlight] Asshole clear.
Randy: [puts his pants on] Thanks.
R. West: Pick your coffee up, sir. [Randy picks his coffee, then heads to the toilet]
R. Wiley: Anyways, he says I'm getting nothing anyway, so then you can...
Randy: [points away] Hey, what's that thing? [a camera]
R. Wiley: That's a camera. It's a security camera.
Randy: Aw, you people have me on camera now?
R. West: It's okay, sir. There's just one person viewing the monitors in a discrete location.
Scene Description: The TSA security camera monitoring room. There is one guy apparently masturbating over the view of hundreds of people in bathrooms.
Scene Description: South Park Community Center. Cartman is giving his speech
Cartman: Exactly how long are we going to sit around as our freedoms are stripped away one by one. It's time for us to stand together, and say, we want the government out of our bathrooms.
People: Yeah.
Cartman: Now listen. All we have to do is agree as a community to all bolt our toilet seats down. If they can't raise or lower, there's zero chance of anyone falling in.
Mr. Garrison: Hey, yeah. If there's no toilet seats, the government can't make toilet seat laws. [the crowd cheers]
Jimbo: Alright, let's do it.
Sheila: No, no, hold on. If the seat can't raise up the men will just pee all over it.
Man 3: No, we won't.
Woman 3: Yeah, you will.
Cartman: Well, sorry if women might have to deal with a little splash of pee on the rim, but it's a far better solution than having the government in out bathrooms, right?
Woman 4: How about we agree to that, if men will agree that they will always sit down to urinate.
Stephen: Well, no, you can't make men sit down to pee. How could we play sink the boat?
Randy: Yeah, how will Nelson and I make an X on sleepover nights?
Man 4: What about us loggers? Hardworking man who like to stand up after they have taken a poo and then turn around and but the poo in half with their urine?
Cartman: Well, sorry, but if we don't want the government treating us like children, we might have to give up being able to pee out feces in half.
Man 4: But folks been logging round these parts for generations. My pappy taught me logging. And his pappy before him.
Randy: Yeah, I think we've just gotta live with the TSA. [several men say 'Yeah' agreeing him]
Scene Description: The dark room. Stan, Kyle, Clyde, Jimmy and the attorney are sitting around the same table. The attorney is holding hands with Jimmy and Clyde with his eyes closed.
Attorney: Oh, oohh! The spirits of the dead are looking over the subpoena. Motion for summary judgement on behalf of the plaintiff? Ah, aaaah!
Jimmy: What's happening now?
Attorney: Our motion has been denied by the judge. [the drawers begin to move] Concentrate boys! [holds the box tight. The drawers stop, the attorney heaves a sigh of relief] This specter is like none I have ever encountered. I managed to avert liability within injunction against out claim.
Stan: So what does that mean?
Attorney: We'll hit him with a class action lawsuit tomorrow. We'll need all your friends and family to sign a petition and kick in 50 bucks each.
Kyle: [frowning] What?
Attorney: Hang in there, Clyde. This is all to make the world a safer place.
Scene Description: The security camera monitoring room. Squishy sounds arise while the monitor guy masturbates. He clicks on the monitor's button a couple of times to change the channel, then stops at a woman reading book while taking a dump. He changes the channel some more, and then takes some bit of the moisturizing lotion on the table to put on his penis. He keeps on changing the channel until the view of Cartman standing with an angry face appears. He keeps looking at the monitor while rubbing his penis, though his motions get more interrupted. Cartman puts a gun on a stool, brings in a baby and R. Wiley, bound and gagged. He climbs up a small ladder and sprays the camera with black spray paint. The man's expression changes to a concerned look. He reaches to the microphone.
Monitor Man: Security breeeach!
Scene Description: The news.
Reporter: An embarrassing day for the toilet safety administration. Shocking outrage ensued after an unknown terrorist managed to get through TSA security with a gun and a baby. Leaving the toilet seat up. The head TSA chief of operations had this to say:
Scene Description: R. West is shown sitting on an outside table in a park.
R. West: Shiiiit!
Reporter: Meanwhile, outraged civilians are claiming they're finally fed up with the overblown government bureaucracy.
Scene Description: Park County Community Center, day. A huge crowd has gathered in front of the building. Cartman is standing in front of the crowd, and Randy is behind the pulpit
Randy: What good is the TSA if they aren't protecting us? Why have we given up freedom if a terrorist can take a hostage in a bathroom with a baby and a gun on the toilet?
Woman 5: And the toilet seat was up.
Randy: We've all stood by as our mother government has taken out dignity.
Cartman: That's right.
Randy: Now it's time for us to take responsibility for ourselves.
Cartman: Yeah.
Randy: It is time for us all to grow up.
Cartman: That's right.
Randy: It is time for a sue-ance.
People: Yeah.
Cartman: Wait, what? What the fuck is a sue-ance?
Scene Description: Colorado State Courthouse. A news reporter is standing outside the building.
Reporter 2: Tom, I'm standing outside the South Park courthouse where experts have successfully summoned the ghost of toilet inventor Sir John Harrington. Now that the spirit has crossed over from the dead, lawyers are gonna try and sue him.
Scene Description: The court. A trial is hold. The judge has a bored look on his face.
Attorney: Sir Thomas Harrington, your extreme negligence has cost tax payers millions.
Spirit: No! No!
Attorney: You will be sued, spirit. Thy liability is without question. [the table before the attorney moves. Jimmy, Clyde, Cartman, Stan and Kyle are shown sitting there.] Appear before this court, Harrington.
Spirit: Never!
Attorney: Quick, everyone, get our all your money. [the light goes out and the table rocks. A bright light appears above the judge accompanied by an echoed voice. It turns out to be Betsy's ghost.]
Betsy: Clyde? Clyde?
Clyde: Mom?
Betsy: [points to the attorney] This lawyer is a fraud. He has been swindling you and your friends for your money.
Attorney: Fuck me, it's a ghost.
Betsy: You can't sue the dead, Clyde. Putting the toilet seat down is a matter of simple etiquette. It's common sense, Clyde!
Cartman: Oh boy, here we go.
Betsy: Don't try and blame mommy's death on anything but your failure to something I have asked you time and time again to do. [camera pans to Clyde] It's your fault!
Spirit 2: [offscreen] Now hold on a second! It's not anyone's fault. [everyone turns to the root of the sound. A spirit enters the court] I am sick an tired of all this nonsense over my porcelain toilet machine.
P. Sanchez: There he is, Sir John Harrington.
Mr. Garrison: Quick, sue him!
Sir Harrington: You can't sue me. [approaches to the toilet cabinet located in the court] You're all using my toilet invention the wrong way. [camera pans to the TSA agents who look at each other] When you have to sit and take a Sir Harrington you're supposed to be facing this way. [sits on it backwards, just like the way Butters did] So you can use the little shelf for your books, and your quill and your ink.
Butters: A-ha! I told you you should sit on it that way! I told you!
Sir Harrington: Why would I design it so that when you're finished taking a Sir Harrington, you have to stand up, turn around and look right down at your Harrington to flush. That's gross.
Randy: Yeah, but... but if you sit on it that way, you have to take your pants all the way off.
Sir Harrington: Of course! Why do you think I designed toilet rooms with a laundry hole? [points to the hole in the cabin]
Randy: That's what that hole is for? Oh. [the people in the room join] Oops.
Scene Description: The Cartman house, night. Cartman is lying on the bed in his pajamas while cutting his toenails, just like the beginning of the episode. He is talking on the phone.
Cartman: So then... so then Clyde's mom's ghost was all like "Clyde, what have I told you Clyde, you asshole!" And Clyde is all like "Mom, leave me alone! I'm seriously. Stop, please!" Dude, it was a riot.
Scene Description: Clyde is reading a comic book on a shelf while holding the receiver on his ear.
Clyde: That's not what I said.
Cartman: Hah. Yeah, well, I'm just glad that stupid TSA crap is over with. I know you've had a tough week, Clyde. But at least your mom didn't die for nothing. I mean, we're kinda right back at the bathroom being the last bastion of American freedom. So technically, your mom did die for nothing, but... Clyde? Clyde?
Scene Description: Clyde is sitting on the toilet... backwards, and peeing.
Cartman: [his voice comes through the receiver] Clyde, you there? Hello? [Clyde comes off the toilet, flushing it. He waits for a few seconds, then angrily puts the seat up, and leaves the bathroom while flipping off his mother pointing upwards.]


Scene Description: Looming Sunset Assisted Living center, day. We can surmise from this that Grandpa Marsh was put in this home when Sharon and Randy divorced shortly after Stan's 10th birthday. The family stops by for a visit.
Randy: Well, Dad, it was really great seeing you. We'd love to stay for dinner, but the food here gives Sharon diarrhea.
Sharon: What?! Randy!
Randy: [shushes her] Just trying to leave without being rude.
Marvin: [rolls over to a small table next to the TV. There's a gift-wrapped box on it] Hold on, hold on just a second. I got a present for my grandson. [gets the box and wheels back to the family] Come here, Billy. [meets Stan in the middle of the room] You've grown up, Billy. It's time for you to have somethin' expensive and flashy [Stan smiles and glances back at his parents], to impress all the ladies [Stan takes the gift from him, then looks back at his parents].
Sharon: Go ahead and open it, Stan. [Stan opens the gift as Shelly and his parents surround him. Sharon kneels behind him and looks over his shoulder] Ohoho look at that! A bolo tie! Isn't that beautiful, Stan? [she puts it on him - gold base, turquoise center, diamonds surrounding it (12 small, 24 tiny)]
Marvin: That's 14 karat gold, with turquoise and reeeal diamonds.
Randy: [approaches Marvin] Grandpa, how much did you spend on that?
Marvin: Six thousand dollars.
Randy: Six thousand?!
Marvin: It's worth fifty thousand. The Jewels and Gems Shopping Network said so.
Randy: Dad, you shouldn't be spending your retirement money on frivolous things! You should be saving it for when you die. That's our money!
Sharon: It's gorgeous, Dad, thank you. Oh, and tomorrow's picture day at school! Stan can wear it for his photo!
Marvin: Oh, that's wonderful! That'll make me feel reeeally good. Who's Stan?
Scene Description: The bus stop, next day. It's picture day! Cartman, Kyle, and Kenny are waiting at the bus stop. Stan approaches, wearing the bolo tie, and stands next to the other boys. Cartman studies him at length
Cartman: Nice bolo tie, Stan.
Stan: [looks away to avoid eye contact] Thanks. [Kyle takes notice]
Cartman: Bolo ties are... [quickly glances at Kyle] really in right now. Cool you have one.
Stan: [annoyed] Look, it was a gift from my grandpa, okay? And it cost a lot of money.
Cartman: No, dude, it's... badass.
Stan: [angered] It happens to be worth six thousand dollars!
Kyle: That... was six grand?
Stan: Yeah dude. It's a recreation of the bolo tie worn by King Henry V.
Cartman: ...Dude, it's fucking gay as fuck.
Stan: [finally breaks, facepalming] I know! [lowers his right arm] I really wish if my grandpa wanted to give me something, he'd just give me the money!
Kyle: Why don't you take it to one of those pawn places? Every two blocks you see a guy with a sign that says "Cash For Gold and Jewelry." There must be a lot of people doin' it.
Scene Description: Downtown South Park, the jewelry district, day. Outside a Cash For Gold store a man spins a sign around with his hands. Inside, behind a bullet-proof partition, a clerk looks the bolo over with a jeweler's scope
Clerk 1: You didn't steal this, did you?
Stan: No, my grandpa gave to me as a present. But it's worth so much I reel really bad accepting it, so I just want the cash.
Clerk 1: [does some calculations on his computer] It's 14-karat gold, diamond and turquoise. I'll give you fifteen dollars.
Stan: ...What? That cost my grandpa six thousand dollars. Those are real diamonds on the outside.
Clerk 1: Yeah, I can't really make anything on the diamonds. I'd have to send it to a smelter, have it all smelted down for the gold, probably could make a ten-dollar profit.
Stan: Fifteen bucks?!
Kyle: Dude, this guy's trying to rook us! We can go someplace else!
Stan: Yeah, I'm not gettin' taken advantage of! [takes back the bolo tie]
Cartman: You may suck our collective balls, sir! [they leave the store, turn right and walk]
Kyle: Don't worry. There's gotta be another cash for gold place around here somewhere.
Stan: Yeah! Here's one. [turns into the next store past the empty lot. The man outside is wearing a signboard]
Scene Description: Inside the second store, a fat blonde woman looks the bolo tie over
Clerk 2: These are real diamonds, right?
Stan: Yeah dude, you can test them.
Clerk 2: Okay. Eight dollars.
Stan: [stunned, then angry] This is the same bolo tie worn by King Henry V!
Clerk 2: [looks it over again] Nine dollars.
Scene Description: Taco Bell, day. No go at the second store, so the boys come here. Outside, a man twirls a sign around which also points to Taco Bell as a cash for gold and jewelry store. The boys go in and get the bolo tie appraised
Clerk 3: Welcome to Taco Bell. Would you like to try our Doritos Locos Tacos?
Stan: I wanna see how much you'll give me for this gold and turquoise diamond bolo. [hands the bolo to the clerk. The clerk looks it over, brings out his own pocket scope, and looks it over more closely]
Clerk 3: Fourteen-karat gold gets yaaa $14 a gram on the open market, got about... 4 grams here... [puts his scope away] It's not really worth my time. I guess I can give you a six-layer burrito for it.
Stan: A six-layer burrito?
Kyle: You guys don't even make a six-layer burrito!
Clerk 3: Alright, a seven-layer burrito! But that's as high as I'm going!
Scene Description: Outside Taco Bell, sitting on a curb
Stan: Dude, my grandpa paid $6000 for something barely worth anything. How? How does something like this happen?
Scene Description: J&G Shopping Network, Jewelry Bonanza with DEAN, Channel 233. The show is already in progress. Dean, dressed in a white Western shirt, shows off his wares
Dean: Okay, folks, we are com-, half-way complete with today's broadcast. [scratches his nose] You wanna get in on these deals, call now. Next item is... This is item number 4 5 7 8 1 1 1. [switch to a close-up] Look at these stunning earrings. These are genuine faux sapphire earrings. Fourteen karat gold, 86 carat faux sapphire. Faux is a French word. Got an x in it, but you don't need to pronounce the x. How do you like that for prestigious? These earrings normally go for $6,000,000. We're gonna sell these today fer... [purses his lips together and exhales through them] $320!That's a steal. Now th-oh, there go the phones, they're lightin' up. I believe we have a sale? Do we have a sale? Yea- let's get her on the line. Hello? Who am I speakin' with?
Vivian: Hello... my name is... Vivian.
Dean: Vivian, you just got a heck of a deal. What's your last name, sweetheart?
Vivian: Oh I... I can't remember.
Dean: You can't remember. Well can you remember your credit card number?
Vivian: 3 7 1 5-
Dean: Hold on, Vivian, we'll get you on with a rep, take down that number. Thanks for shoppin' with us and congratulations on the lovely 14 karat gold sapphire earrings. At that price you practically stole them from us. Ouch. Okay-
Scene Description: Cartman's house, day. The boys are looking at Jewelry Bonanza in the living room and have just seen an old woman get swindled out of her money
Kyle: Dude, that's terrible!
Cartman: I told you guys. I've been watching all day.
Stan: But, how do they get away with that?
Cartman: This is a new time. A new era of science that only the smartest can comprehend. [walks out]
Stan: What are you talking about?
Cartman: [standing next to a covered mobile whiteboard] For centuries alchemists have tried to come up with a formula to make gold. Whoever could do it would of course become rich, and now-! The chemical equation is right before our eyes. [unveils the equation]
Kyle: That's the chemical equation for gold?
Cartman: That's right. [goes through and denotes what each letter means] Guys with Cash For Gold Signs gets you People's Unwanted Crappy Jewelry, which when added to a Cable-Based Shopping Network divided by Demented Old people equals... Gold. [writes in an equal sign and "GOLD" at the end]
Kyle: ...Kenny, will you tell Cartman to shut up?
Kenny: (Shut the fuck up, dude! You're a fuckin' asshole!)
Cartman: Oh, I'm an asshole for doin' math!
Dean: Oh my gosh, can you believe this? Somebody's about to get this $20,000 topaz and copper ring for just four thousand bucks. [a close-up of the ring] We've got our buyer on the line. You buyin' this as a gift, sir?
Caller: No, I'm buying it as a gift! For my grandson Billy!
Stan: Grandpa? [gets off the sofa and runs out the front door]
Scene Description: Looming Sunset Assisted Living, night. Marvin is watching Jewely Bonanza. Onscreen is a necklace with a large emerald on it
Dean: How about that, folks? That is Brazilian emerald, finest emerald available. We're letting this oen go fer... fourteen ninety five [$1495.00 onscreen], EZ Pay. We call it that to save you time. EZ is an abbreviation of easy. Fourteen ninety five, EZ Pay an... What's that? Okay, alright, I just got word, we are droppin' the Z from EZ Pay. It's now just E Pay. [onscreen EZ Pay is erased, then E Pay appears] By usin' the word E Pay instead of takin' all that time to say EZ Pay, we're savin' you a second of time, and those seconds add up. Go ahead and try it: say E Pay five thousand times. That's five thousand seconds, nine hours... we just saved you here on J&G Shoppin' Network. [Grandpa's eyes begin to wander] Not wastin' your time here, you can't afford not to buy this one. You don't have a lot of time left. Literally. Pass this one down to your kids, your grandkids. [Stan appears at the doorway] Show 'em your life had meaning.
Stan: Grandpa.
Marvin: [turns his head to the left to look at Stan] Well you see that, Billy? That's an emerald on 14 karat gold. Don't you think your sister would like that? [smiles]
Stan: She doesn't like jewelry, Grandpa.
Marvin: Ha! Well she will one day. She'll appreciate it. She's, she's just a baby after all.
Stan: She's not a baby, Grandpa, she's thirteen.
Marvin: Shelly's thirteen? Rihight. Right, boy... [faces the TV again, visibly shaken] Billy, did I ever tell you I used to have a border collie named Patches?
Stan: Yes, Grandpa.
Marvin: [reminiscing with a smile] I loved that dog. She always made me so happy. When she died, I... I didn't let myself get too sad, 'cause I thought, thought I'd always have the memory of her slobberin' happy face. [the smile disappears] I can't remember what she looked like, Billy... Huh. Huohh. [gets a headache and rests his head on his left hand]
Stan: Don't worry, Grandpa. I'm gonna take care of this! [turns to his left and leaves with determination. Marvin is left looking distressed]
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, playground, day. During recess, Butters twirls a sign around, while Cartman is decked out in all sorts of jewelry.
Cartman: Hey Craig. Goin' on? Token! Bet your mom has some old jewelry she wouldn't notice missing. Bebe! You got those rhinestones in your earrings, I'll have some walking cash! I can probably offer you a-
Butters: [loses control of the sign] Whoops! [it lands face up on the snow]
Cartman: [quickly analyzing the situation] Butters, what the fuck?!
Butters: [winces, then massages his right arm] Sorry. My arms hurt.
Cartman: "My arms hurt." Pick the fucking sign up, Butters! This is a business! [Butters picks the sign up and resumes twirling]
Leroy: Hey! How much will you give me for this? [shows him a ring with a huge rock on it]
Cartman: Oh ahhhh, three bucks.
Leroy: Okay. [gives the ring to Cartman, who transfers it to his left hand. Cartman reaches into his back pocket and give Leroy the three dollars. Leroy turns and walks away]
Cartman: We got crappy jewelry Butters. Now all we need are some old people.
Scene Description: Jewelry Bonanza.
Dean: And that's it, we just sold this bracelet to Ms. Marcia Tubbs. Marcia, thank you so much for your call. You just got yourself a heck of a deal on this one. You there Marcia?
Marcia: [over the phone] Yes. [a car honks at her] I'm lost. I'm lost walkin' on the freeway.
Dean: Alright, you're lost walkin' on the freeway? Enjoy the Tiger's Eye Aquamarine bracelet. Alri- okay, what should we do next? Oh I see one. Here's a good'un. Lemme... [picks out a ring with a large yellow stone in the middle] Lemme... lemme set the stage for you here: you're goin' to that seniors' cocktail party? It's bingo night and you're lookin' for somethin' to wear? How about a 13 carat panzoto-panzanite ring. This is-oh! We got a caller already on this one! Hello sir, you must be a fan of panzoto-panzanite.
Stan: Yeah, hi. Um, you should kill yourself?
Dean: ...What's that?
Stan: I said, you should kill yourself? What you do is sort of, unjustifiable? And you know it's unjustifiable? And you don't care? You're the definition of evil? Kill yourself?
Dean: Okay, we're gonna sell this ring for just thirty-seven ninety five. [$3,795.00 onscreen] How's that? [puts the ring onto a woman's right ring finger.]
Stan: I just read that the day shopping networks make most of their money is on the day seniors pick up Social Security checks? Kill yourself.
Dean: Alright, well you shouldn't say things like that 'cause... some host of a jewelry channel sure might up and do it, and then you'd feel really bad.
Stan: No I wouldn't.
Dean: Yes you would.
Stan: No, because I really want you to kill yourself.
Dean: Alright, well how about this?! If a jewelry network host goes home tonight and blows the brains out, you might be liable. That's a lawsuit worth ...2.7 million dollars? How's that sound?
Stan: I don't care what happens to me, I care about my grandfather, you morally empty corrupted maggot!
Dean: [long silence as the jewelry carousel goes around] Alright, I tell you what: I'll bring the lawsuit down to twenty-nine thirty-nine- [the $6,000,000 is erased and replaced by $2,939.00]
Stan: Nono, uh it doesn't matter what price you put on anything! Your only chance to right the wrongs you've done, and repay all the elderly people whose lives you've destroyed, is to kill yourself.
Dean: [another long silence, then he clears his throat] Well, you think it's funny, but that's, that's callin' up and tellin' someone to kill themselves; that's not a joke.
Stan: I'm not joking. [pause] Do it.
Scene Description: Eric Jewelry Cavalcade, with Eric. Now on the Old People's Shopping Network, founded by Eric Cartman. He's in his basement, behind a table with his own props and jewelry
Cartman: Okay, next item? Next item we're gonna do is uh, 5 5 2 1 6 uh 7, 7 5, 5 [actually 55-26177] This is-oh my God, look at this you guys. [shows off the ring Leroy sold him earlier] This is 200 carat Brazilian emerald and plasticine ring. I'm gonna start bidding for this ring at, um, let's see, eight billion dollars. Eight billion dollars, opening bid. We've gotta sell this ring today. Tell you what, I'm gonna take it down a little. We're gonna drop that price down to... $75.95. At this price it's not gonna last for lo-oh, we got a caller already, Butters? Butters? Look like- Did we sell it? Yep, seventy-five ninety-five, that's what the ring just sold for. Do we have the buyer on the line? Hello?
Caller: Hello?
Cartman: YES, you just bought this lovely 200-carat ring. How do you feel, Mrs...?
Mrs. Appleby: This is Mrs. Appleby on 24 Palmark Lane?
Cartman: Can I ask you something, Mrs. Appleby? Do you like fucking little boys?
Mrs. Appleby: [long pause] I'm sorry?
Cartman: Just wondering if you fuck kids all the time, 'cause that's what you just did with this deal. You just got an $8,000,000,000 ring for seventy-five ninety-five. You fucked me good, Mrs. Appleby. Congratulations, ma'am.
Mrs. Appleby: Thank you.
Cartman: Were you just flippin' through the channels and saw me selling this ring and thought "Hm, I'd like to fuck that kid!"
Mrs. Appleby: ...I thought it'd be a lovely gift for my granddaughter Jessica. She's captain of the debate team at Jefferson High School. see-
Cartman: Oh-kay, thanks for shopping with us. I gotta get the taste of old lady dick out of my mouth.
Mrs. Appleby: Goodbye.
Cartman: Bye! Man that's good acting. I should get an award.
Scene Description: A smelting plant. Shown is the Oscar for Best Actor: Sean Penn in Milk. The camera pulls back to reveal a pile of gold jewelry on which the Oscar sits. A shovel comes in and scoops it up with some other jewelry. The worker holding the shovel moves it to a vat of molten gold and dumps the jewelry into the vat. Escaping air makes a fart sound as the jewelry sinks into liquid gold, and then some bubbles popping follow
Stan: Do you have any idea what it would feel like to start losing your memories?! No! Because you don't have someone in your life suffering from Alzheimer's! Well I do!
Manager: Look, kid, if you've got a beef with the system, you're talkin' to the wrong people. All we do is smelter down what we get from the cash for gold places.
Stan: Yeah?! Well there's an old Hindu saying: "Whoever smelt it, dealt it!"
Kyle: Yeah!
Kenny: (Fuck yeah!)
Manager: We aren't the ones who denied you what your jewelry was really worth. The Hindu saying is actually "Mayii nahii chahatapahnii"
Kyle: What does that mean?
Manager: "Whoever denied it, [lowers his voice] supplied it." [the boys are stunned]
Scene Description: The neighborhood park, day. Stan is now on a crusade to stop this madness, but he hasn't found the right target. Kyle has his arms crossed
Stan: YOU are the scums of the earth! Old people are victimized by shopping networks and YOU kick back in your fat-cat mansions, making billions!
Butters: [looks around at his fellow sign twirlers] We aren't makin' that much, fellas.
Stan: You're not?
Twirler 1: Who don't you yell at the people who melt the gold down? The old Hindu saying is "Whever smelt it dealt it" [other twirlers agree with him: "Yeah!" "That's right!"]
Kyle: [leans forward] Nuh uh! It's "Whoever denied it, supplied it!"
Twirler 2: You got it all wrong. The jewelry that those shopping networks sell don't even come from us! It's all made in India, where those Hindu rhymes come from!
Twirler 3: What are you saying, Gustav? My God, do you mean?
Twirler 4: That's right. Whoever made the rhyme did the crime.
Scene Description: Gems Wholesale, day. Cartman walks by with a briefcase
Cartman: Suck my balls, suck my balls... [enters the store] Hello!
Clerk 4: [An Asian woman] Ohhhh welcoooome! Welcome to discount jewelry stohhhhh! [her two assistants join her as Cartman takes a seat at the counter]
Cartman: [shoves his briefcase to one side] Yeah, listen, I'm running a resale business, but I can't get enough of people's unwanted crappy jewelry to keep up, so I'd like to buy some of yours.
Clerk 4: [claps way too quickly] Ohhhhh you so good foh biiiziness! [points to her brain] You so clehhvahh.
Cartman: I get by. Let's see, I'm gonna need some gold necklaces, diamond bracelets, and emerald earrings.
Clerk 4: Okay, what emero do you rike?
Cartman: Oh, I don't know, I guess I'll take that ring there.
Clerk 4: Ohhhh you make so good chooice! Oh it's beauuutiful! [shows her aides] Look it's beauuutiful! [they too clap way too quickly]
Cartman: And uh, maybe I'll that one for three hundred.
Clerk 4: Oh, that's best one! You so clevohh! [claps quickly a few times] You take advantage o'my low pricess! [claps a few times]
Cartman: How about that panzanite bracelet for nine ninety five.
Clerk 4: You got good eye, [points to her brain] You so clehhvahh. I getting taken advantaaage! You rike to fuck an Asian lady?
Cartman: [long pause] What d'ja say?
Clerk 4: I know, you walk by my stoh and you say "Oh, there's a nice Asian lady. I think I go in and I fuck hurh," you Asian-lady fucker you!
Cartman: Wait a minute. How much do you pay for this stuff?
Clerk 4: Oh, I pay thousands! And you come heuh an' fuck me!
Cartman: Okay, quit the act! I'm not fucking you and you know it!
Clerk 4: Nono, you fucked me!
Cartman: Nono, you fucked me! Fuck you!
Scene Description: India Manufacturing, Inc., a rainy day somewhere in India. A taxi pulls up to the plant, with Cartman and Butters inside.
Cartman: My balls, my balls, suck 'em dry...[Butters opens his door and hops out, then opens Cartman's door. Cartman looks around and clears his throat to get Butters' attention.]
Butters: Oh sorry, sorry. [looks back at his seat and pulls out the sign. then points it at Cartman. Cartman then hops out and proceeds to the plant, with Butters following]
Scene Description: Inside the plant. All the workers here are children working in cubicles, assembling new jewelry. A supervisor walks by collecting newly finished jewelry in a metal box. The receptionist shows Cartman and Butters in while one boy is sealing packages in another room
Cartman: [to the receptionist] You see, I'm looking to cut out the middle man. I want to buy my jewelry direct from you so that- [a disturbing sight stops him in his tracks] Motherfucker!
Stan: [railing at an older Indian boy] You should be ashamed of the people in America that you are exploiting! How dare you take advantage of those less fortunate?! [Kenny and Kyle are with him]
Cartman: [approaches the other boys] You dirty double-crossing assholes! You're trying to cut me out, huh?! You guys stole my formula, then tried to fuck me- Butters!
Butters: Sorry! [catches up to him]
Cartman: -and then tried to fuck me out of your business!
Kyle: We're not fucking you, they're fucking Stan's grandpa!
Cartman: No, they're getting fucked by Asian ladies!
Stan: Somebody is at the head of all this, and somebody needs to pay! All I want is some Goddamned retribution for my Goddamned grandpa! [the boy reaches for a necklace and offers it to Stan] No! Not a diamond-and-gold necklace! [the boy thinks about what to do with the necklace, then reaches for a small plastic pouch and puts it in. The boy motions to another boy]
Kyle: What's he doing?
Scene Description: Montage. The boy tosses the necklace into a box being carried by another supervisor, then motions to someone else as the supervisor carries the box away. Outside, several workers load up a truck. The supervisor gives his box to one of the loaders. A planeload of jewelry leaves India and arrives at Atlanta. The box is then shipped by QDC to J&G headquarters. A J&G worker carries a gold ruby necklace to Dean at his Jewelry Bonanza set. He then puts the necklace on camera and sells it to an elderly woman who still lives at home. A FedExX truck arrives at her house and the driver delivers it to her personally. He tips his hat to her as he leaves. She opens the package right then and there, at her front door, and pulls out the necklace. She gives it to her daughter, who is quite happy to get it. The daughter goes to a Cash For Gold store and sells it to the clerk. He puts it into a box containing other jewelry, puts in more jewelry to fill the box up, then delivers it to an Industrial Smelting and Refining plant. He sells it to one of the workers there. The worker brings it into a room and splits the jewelry among his associates. They sort the gems by type as they dismantle the jewelry. The gold is sent to be melted down and made into gold bars. The gold and jewels are sent separately back to India, where an IPS truck goes to India Manufacturing to deliver the raw materials. The workers deliver the materials to the supervisors, who take them inside and distribute them among the child workers. The child workers assemble the raw materials into new jewelry, and the cycle starts again. Back in Atlanta, more packages are delivered to J&G headquarters by E-Z Delivery. A J&G worker delivers a gold amethyst necklace to Dean, who sells it to an elderly couple. An ADL truck arrives and the driver delivers it to the couple. The husband receives it and opens it. The driver tips his hat and leaves. The couple then offer the necklace to their daughter, who's overjoyed to get it. She and her husband take the necklace to a different cash for gold store and sell it to the clerk there. The necklace is dismantled into its various parts and the gold melted down again. IPS delivers the raw materials back to India Manufacturing. A supervisor dumps some gems onto the desk of a different child worker, who is working on a picture frame. He finishes the frame and walks up to the older boy. The older boy takes the picture frame to Stan and gives it to him.
Stan: Oh, yeah. Actually, this might kind of work.
Scene Description: The park surrounding Looming Sunset, day. Stan is visiting Marvin, who's well enough to sit on the bench with him with the use of a cane
Stan: So the we went to India, which is pretty cool I guess. I've never been there before. And we basically learned that whoever smelt it, denied it, and rhymed it actually dealt it.
Marvin: Ahh, sounds like you had a fun weekend.
Stan: Yeah, I guess so. Anyway Grandpa, I wanted to give you something. [hands him the gift]
Marvin: Oh, for me? [takes the gift and unwraps it] Oh! My God. There she is. [a picture of Grandpa in younger days with his dog] Old Patches. There's that slobberin' happy face! Thank you Billy. That means a lot. [they smile at each other for a moment] Billy, that... that bolo tie you're wearing?
Stan: Yeah.
Marvin: I don't know where you got that, but it's fucking gay as fuck.
Stan: Cool. I, I won't wear it anymore.
Marvin: That's a good idea. [looks back at the picture and smiles. Stan looks down and away]
Scene Description: Jewelry Bonanza with Dean. Onscreen is a pair of earrings selling for $2800.00
Dean: Folks, these are not your ordinary peridot craponite earrings, these are 18-karat gold! and we got-oh, do we have a buyer on the line? Hello?
Caller 1: [long pause] What are you waiting for? Kill yourself.
Dean: Alright Goddamnit, we got another comedian. Ever since that little kid called up, now everybody wants to call and tell me I should kill myself.
Caller 1: He was right. Do it.
Dean: Folks, this is an 800 number. Every time you call and tell me to kill myself, it's costing us... two dollars and thirty six cents! So now, how about a caller who wants to buy jewelry ? Yes. Hello, sir?
Caller 2: You're too scared to do it, aren't-cha? You don't have the balls.
Dean: Goddamnit I'm not scared to do it.
Caller 2: New, you're scared. You got, you got lady balls. [hangs up. The dial tone is heard and Dean moves on to the next call]
Caller 3: Hello? I'm calling about the peridot earrings?
Dean: Yes ma'am!
Caller 3: They'd look good on your dead body. Why don't you kill yourself?
Dean: Alright, that's that! That there's the- the straw that broke the camel's back! I got a gun right here; whattaya think about that?!
Caller 3: Put it against your temple and pull the trigger. [long pause. The gun is cocked and then goes off. A thump is heard and blood lands all over the set. The soothing music plays on]