Scene Description: Bus Stop.
Kyle: Hey, where's the school bus? We're gonna be late for football practice.
Scene Description: A dog walks up to the boys.
Stan: Hiya, Sparky.
Kyle: [Looking] Who's that?
Stan: That's my new dog Sparky. He followed me to the bus stop.
Kyle: Wow! Cool!
Stan: Good boy, Sparky. Who's my best buddy? Who's your boy? Who's your buddy?
Cartman: Eh. You're making me sick, dude.
Stan: He's part Doberman and part wolf. He's the toughest dog on the mountain.
Cartman: No way. Everybody knows that Sylvester is the toughest dog in South Park.
Sylvester: Arrrrrr.
Stan: He's not meaner than Sparky.
Cartman: Oh yeah? Let's see. Hey, Sylvester!
Scene Description: Sylvester comes over.
Stan: Sparky'll kick his ass.
Cartman: I'll put a dollar on Sylvester.
Kyle: You're on, dude!
Scene Description: Sylvester starts after Sparky. Both dogs growl.
Stan: That's it, Sparky! Kick his ass!
Scene Description: Sparky lunges after Sylvester and out of view. Aggressive panting can be heard. The boys stand there, shocked.
Cartman: Huh. He's doing something to his ass. He's not kicking his ass, but he's definitely doing something to his ass.
Stan: Sparky! Bad dog!
Kenny: (Oh my God, I think they're screwing.)
Stan: What?!
Cartman: Yeah dude, I think your dog is gay.
Stan: What do you mean?
Cartman: That dog is a gay homosexual.
Scene Description: Stan looks back to study the situation, then...
Stan: He's just confused.
Kyle: I think the other dog's the one that's confused.
Kenny: (No, check his penis.)
Scene Description: Kyle smiles.
Stan: Sick, shut up dude!
Scene Description: Sparky pants happily while Sylvester slinks away.
Cartman: Stan's dog's a homo. Stan's dog's a homo.
Scene Description: The bus pulls up.
Scene Description: Football Field, sideline before school.
Chef: Okay children, I know that you're all extremely excited, nervous and anxious about the homecoming game against Middle Park.
Kyle: Who's Middle Park?
Cartman: What's homecoming?
Chef: But just remember what I taught you. That football is like making love to a reeeeeally beautiful woman. You can't always score, but when you do, it makes all the trying worthwhile. [silence] Now, let's start practice.
Scene Description: Chef blows his whistle, and the kids hit the field.
Pip: Uh, Mr. Chef, sir?
Chef: Yes Pip, what is it?
Pip: Well, I still don't have a helmet.
Chef: I know, Pip, the school can't afford helmets for everybody.
Pip: Yes, but, couldn't we rotate who doesn't have a helmet every week? Does it always have to be me?
Chef: Yes, Pip, I'm afraid it does.
Pip: Oh.
Chef: Sorry son, now get your ass in there.
Scene Description: Out on the playing field.
Stan: Hut-hut-hut-hut-hut-hut. Hut. Hut-hut-hut-hut-hut-hut-hut.
Chef: [impatiently] Hike the damn ball!
Scene Description: Cartman hikes the ball over Stan's head. Stan chases it down. Kyle runs into Pip, opening a major gash on Pip's head.
Pip: Aaaaaaaargh!
Scene Description: Jimbo and Ned arrive.
Jimbo: Hey, how's practice coming there, Chef?
Chef: [distracted] Huh? Oh, fine, fine.
Jimbo: I don't have to remind you just how important this game is to us South Park alumni.
Chef: Elementary school alumni?
Jimbo: That's as far as most of us got. You think we have a shot at beating the spread against Middle Park this year?
Chef: I don't know. Wha- what's the spread?
Jimbo: Middle Park by 70 points.
Chef: Hmmm...
Scene Description: They look towards the field, where Kenny tackles Cartman, causing him to drop the ball.
Chef: I don't think we have a chance.
Jimbo: Nonsense! Not with my nephew at quarterback. [yells] Right Stanley?
Scene Description: Stan turns to see his uncle just as Cartman hikes.
Stan: Huh?
Scene Description: The ball hits him on the side of the head. He picks it up and throws to Kyle.
Jimbo: Atta boy!
Chef: Great pass, Stan.
Jimbo: Come on Ned, we gotta get our asses to the bookie!
Scene Description: On sideline after practice.
Chef: Okay. That was a good practice children. We'll see you here again tomorrow.
Kyle: Hey Stan, isn't that your dog?
Stan: Yeah, he must have followed me to football practice. You see, he is smart.
Clyde: Aw, my dog Rex follows me to football practice all the time.
Stan: Yeah, but my dog found his own way here. That makes him smarter than your- [sees Sparky lunge after Rex] Sparky, get down!
Clyde: Oh my God! What is he doing to my dog?!
Cartman: There he goes again.
Stan: Get down, Sparky! Down!
Cartman: Stan forgot to mention that his dog is a gay homosexual.
Clyde: Make him stop!
Scene Description: Rex moves away with his tail between his legs.
Rex: Yipe yipe yipe yipe yipe yipe yipe yipe!
Scene Description: Fosse and Bill pass by laughing.
Fosse: I'm sure glad my dog isn't gay.
Bill: Yeah, maybe you should name your dog Sparkette, Stan.
Fosse: Gay dog.
Scene Description: The bullies walk away laughing, while Sparky walks up panting.
Scene Description: Mr. Garrison's classroom. Start of school.
Cartman: ...and so you see, Simon & Simon were not brothers in real life, only on television.
Mr. Garrison: Thank you for that presentation, Eric, but the assignment was on Asian cultures. You get a D-.
Cartman: Ah, dammit!
Mr. Garrison: Who should we call on next, Mr. Hat?
Mr. Hat: Well, how about Stan, our little South Park quarterback star?
Mr. Garrison: Oh, good idea. Okay Stanley, you're next.
Stan: Um, I'm not really prepared either.
Mr. Garrison: Well, just make something up, like Eric did.
Stan: Okay, uh... Asian culture has... plagued our fragile earth for many years. We must end it-
Mr. Garrison: Excellent. A-.
Cartman: Eeyy!
Stan: Wow, cool!
Cartman: Wait a minute, why the hell does he get an A-?
Mr. Garrison: Eric, Stanley just might lead our team to victory against the Middle Park Cowboys for the first time in decades. And we treat star athletes better because they're better people.
Cartman: That's not fair!
Mr. Hat: Life isn't fair, kiddo, get used to it.
Cartman: Stupid puppet.
Scene Description: Dismissal bell rings.
Mr. Garrison: Don't forget your assignments tonight children, they're due tomorrow for everybody but Stan.
Scene Description: All students except Stan leave the room.
Stan: Mr. Garrison, can I ask you a question?
Mr. Garrison: Well of course Stanley, what is it?
Stan: What's a... homosexual?
Mr. Garrison: Hoh, well, Stanley, I guess you came to the right person. Sit down.
Scene Description: Stan sits.
Mr. Garrison: Stanley, gay people... Well. gay people are evil. Evil right down to their cold black hearts, which pump not blood like yours and mine, but rather a thick, vomitous oil that oozes through their rotten veins and clots in their pea-sized brains which becomes the cause of their Nazi-esque patterns of violent behavior. Do you understand?
Stan: I guess.
Mr. Garrison: Good, I'm glad we could have this little talk, Stanley. Now you go outside and practice football like a good little heterosexual.
Scene Description: Bus stop. The boys get off the bus.
Cartman: You guys see me block that defense today? I was kicking ass.
Kyle: You're gonna need to kick more ass than that to beat the Cowboys.
Cartman: Hey, speaking of pounding ass, here comes Stan's little homo dog.
Stan: Shut up, dude!
Scene Description: Sparky comes up panting with a pink scarf on.
Stan: Sparky, where'd you get that pink scarf?
Sparky: Bark, bark.
Cartman: Man, that is the gayest dog I have ever seen.
Stan: He just needs some training, that's all. Sit, Sparky.
Scene Description: Sparky sits.
Stan: Good boy, now shake.
Scene Description: Sparky shakes.
Stan: Good boy. Now, don't be gay.
Scene Description: Stan waits for the command to sink in.
Stan: Don't be gay, Spark. Don't be gay.
Scene Description: Sparky looks at Stan with confusion and growls.
Kyle: Did it work?
Stan: I don't know.
Cartman: He still looks pretty gay to me.
Bill: Huh, huh.
Fosse: Hey Stan, your dog been to any Pride marches lately?
Bill: Huh huh, meh, yeah, maybe you should take him to a Barbara Streisand concert. [they laugh] Stupid little gay dog.
Fosse: Gay dog.
Stan: Come on you guys, I have an idea.
Scene Description: Sports Book, Ned and Jimbo enter. Two big-screen monitors show horse races. One of the five smaller screens above show a race as well.
Jimbo: I want $500 on the South Park Cows.
Bookie: Are you crazy?
Jimbo: No siree. I'm telling you, I got the line. My nephew Stan is the best quarterback the school has ever seen. I guarantee they'll beat the spread.
Gambler 1: I want to put all my money on the Cows.
Gambler 2: Duh, duh, I think I'll put 300 on the Cows too if they guarantee it.
Gambler 3: Hey, I want to put some money on the Cows too.
Female Gambler 1: I got 500 on the Cows.
Female Gambler 2: Well, I'll put my money on the Cows.
Jimbo: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Don't get too carried away now...
Gambler 4: You better be right about this, Jimbo.
Jimbo: Hehe, yeah. Don't- don't worry yourself.
Ned: Are you sure Stan is that good?
Jimbo: Not that sure. I think we better come up with a backup plan. Uhh, let's see here. Hey, bookie! Wha- what's the halftime show gonna be?
Bookie: You haven't heard?! John Stamos' older brother Richard Stamos is gonna sing 'Loving You'.
Ned: I love that song.
Jimbo: 'Loving You'? That's perfect! Come on Ned, Middle Park's gonna get a Halftime show they'll never forget.
Scene Description: In front of Stan's house, a large crate sits next to the kids.
Stan: Okay Sparky, we got you a present. Now why don't-
Scene Description: Stan notices a pink scarf on Sparky.
Stan: Damn it Sparky, where do you keep getting this thing?!
Scene Description: He grabs the scarf.
Stan: No pink bandannas Sparky, bad dog! Now pay attention. Sparky, this is Fifi.
Scene Description: The crate opens and Fifi, a French poodle, comes out.
Kyle: Ooh-la-la.
Scene Description: Fifi sniffs some. Sparky starts following her.
Cartman: There he goes!
Stan: Atta boy, Spark! Get her!
Scene Description: Sparky climbs atop Fifi.
Stan: Yes!
Scene Description: Sparky pulls Fifi's collar off and into the air, catching it around his neck.
Stan: Ah crap! Now what do I do?
Kyle: Who cares if your dog is gay? Maybe it's not that bad.
Cartman: No way dude, my mom says God hates gay people. That's why he smote the sodomies in France.
Kenny: (I think that Garrison said that gay people suck.)
Stan: I know Mr. Garrison said that homosexuals are evil, but, but Sparky doesn't seem evil.
Kyle: Well, maybe Mr. Garrison is wrong. You should ask somebody else.
Stan: Like who?
Scene Description: Inside Stan's house, Jesus and Pals' title screen is on TV.
TV Announcer: And now back to Jesus and Pals on South Park public access.
Jesus Christ: Yea, many of you are seeking answers, and I am the way for you my children. Let's open the phone lines back up for some questions... Hello caller, you're on the air. [Beep.]
Robert: Yeah, is, is this Jesus?
Jesus: Yes my son.
Robert: This, this is Robert from Torrey Pines. I called last week asking for advice on my ex-wife.
Jesus: Of course Robert. How are things now?
Robert: Well, every, everything's much better Jesus. She hasn't mouthed off since- I just wanted to thank you for the advice. Oh, and for, for dying for my sins, that was really nice of you.
Jesus: Blessed art thou, Robert. Next caller, you're on the air. [Beep.]
Stan: Uh, hi, Jesus. I, I have a dog, and he's a- he's a homosexual.
Jesus: My son, a lot of people have wondered what my stance on homosexuality is. So I'd like to state once and for all, my true opinion. You see-
Scene Description: The station's logo pops up.
TV Announcer: That's all the time we've left for Jesus and Pals, now stay tuned for Marty's Movie Reviews.
Stan: Damn it!
Kyle: What'd he say?
Stan: I got cut off for Marty's stupid Movie Reviews.
Cartman: Oh, Marty's Movie Reviews are on, kick ass!
Stan: Isn't there anybody who can help me? Isn't there anybody who cares?
Kyle: Come on dude, we have to get to practice.
Stan: No, it's not okay! I don't want a gay dog!
Scene Description: Outside, Sparky overhears this.
Stan: I want a butch dog! I want a Rin-tin-tin!
Scene Description: Sparky grouses, digs a hole, and makes his way out of the yard. He wanders into the mountains, looks back once more, and is gone.
Scene Description: On the sideline at practice.
Chef: Now children, we've got to handle the ball better. You got to hold your football like you hold your lover. [Music starts.] Gently, yet firmly. You wanna be both nurturing and clinging at the same time. Oh yeah! [Sinks into the mood.] Just like makin' sweet love to the football. Feelin' naughty with the football. Mmmm.
Kyle: Uh, Chef?
Chef: Spank it, ever so gently.
Kyle: Chef.
Chef: Spank it.
Kyle: Chef!
Chef: Oh, uhuhh, sorry children. Uhuh, let's run some plays.
Pip: Uh, Mr. Chef sir?
Chef: No Pip, we still don't have a helmet for you.
Pip: Righto, but how about I use a helmet today, and one of the other children goes without?
Chef: That wouldn't be very fair to the other children, now would it?
Pip: No um, I guess not.
Scene Description: Carl's Bombs And Explosives and Accessories.
Jimbo: What we wanna do here, Carl, is put a trigger on that bomb that makes it go off at a specific moment during halftime.
Carl: What moment would that be?
Jimbo: Well, John Stamos' older brother is all set to sing 'Loving You' during halftime. We want that bomb to go off when he hits that high F.
Carl: What high F?
Jimbo: You know, Loving you is easy 'cause you're beautiful doo-nn-doo-nn-doo-doo... Aaaaah.
Carl: Right, right, so you want the trigger on the doo-nn-doo?
Jimbo: No, dammit! The aaaaah!
Carl: Aaaaahh?
Ned: Aaaaahh.
Jimbo: Aaaaahh!
Carl: Aaaaahh.
Jimbo: Great.
Carl: Doo-nn-doo-nn-doo-doo - Aaah.
Ned: Doo-nn-doo-doo
Jimbo: You got it.
Carl: Doo-nn-doo-nn-doo-doo...
Ned: Aaa - dooo...
Jimbo: Aaaaahh!
Carl: Alright, yeah, okay...
Scene Description: On the sideline at practice.
Chef: What's the matter Stan, you seem down.
Stan: I just, I can't concentrate 'cause my dog is gay.
Chef: Well, you know what they say: you can't teach a gay dog straight tricks.
Scene Description: Coming up to see what's the matter.
Mr. Garrison: Oh, stop filling his head with that queer-loving propaganda.
Chef: Say what?! You of all people should be sympathetic.
Mr. Garrison: What do you mean?
Chef: Well, you're gay aren't you?
Mr. Garrison: What?! What the hell are you talking about?! I am not gay.
Chef: Well, you sure do act like it.
Mr. Garrison: I just act that way to get chicks, dumbass.
Scene Description: Chef looks puzzled, wondering.
Scene Description: On the field.
Scene Description: Kyle runs up from behind.
Kyle: What's the matter dude?
Stan: I don't know where Sparky is. He usually follows me to football practice.
Cartman: Maybe he went shopping for some leather pants. [Stan punches him] Ow!
Scene Description: Snowy mountains. Sparky is trekking through the snow, stops, and looks around. A floating castle nears him. It's Big Gay Al's Big Gay Animal Sanctuary.
Big Gay Al: Hello there little pup, I'm Big Gay Al.
Scene Description: Sparky looks at him.
Big Gay Al: Have you been outcast?
Scene Description: Sparky pants an affirmative.
Big Gay Al: Well, then I'm so glad you found my Big Gay Animal Sanctuary. We're all big gay friends here. Would you like to live with us?
Scene Description: Sparky pants an affirmative.
Big Gay Al: Come on in little fellow, nobody will ever oppress you here.
Scene Description: Kenny, Kyle, and Cartman are at the Bus Stop. Stan walks up.
Stan: Have you guys seen Sparky, he still hasn't come back.
Kyle: Wow, it's been like two days.
Stan: I think he might've run away.
Cartman: Did you check the shopping ma- [Stan punches him] Ow!
Kyle: We'll help you look for him after the game, Stan.
Stan: I'm not playing.
Kyle: You what?!
Stan: I'm not playing in that stupid game. I have to find my dog. [leaves]
Scene Description: Middle Park Elementary School.
Jimbo: [whispering] Come on Ned, and keep quiet.
Ned: [louder] Okay.
Scene Description: They climb over the fence and approach the Middle Park mascot, a horse.
Jimbo: Hello there, Enrique.
Ned: What are we doing here?
Jimbo: Well Ned, we always kidnap Middle Park's mascot. But this year, we're gonna booby-trap it instead.
Scene Description: Jimbo puts the bomb on Enrique's back.
Jimbo: And when John Stamos' older brother hits that high F in "Loving You", Boom!
Scene Description: Enrique gets wide-eyed.
Jimbo: No more Middle Park players.
Scene Description: Jimbo and Ned laugh, and Enrique starts to tremble.
Jimbo: God damn, I love football!
Scene Description: Stan is in the stormy mountains.
Stan: Sparky! Where are you?! Where could he be?
Scene Description: South Park Elementary.
Scene Description: The Middle Park Cowboys exit the bus.
Cowboys: Kill that Ken! Kill that Ken!
Scene Description: South Park Football Field. The bleachers are filled with fans decked out in COWS! gear. Even Ike is wearing a GO COWS shirt and bouncing about.
Frank Hammond: Hello everyone, this is Frank Hammond, South Park public radio, AM 900, Welcome to tonight's match-up between the Middle Park Cowboys and the South Park Cows.
Scene Description: Pounds the table, and Phil's mike falls over. He scans the sidelines.
Frank: Well, it looks like Chef, the South Park Cows coach, looks a little nervous. This is probably because his star quarterback has yet to show up.
Chef: [between his teeth] Oohh, come on, Stan...
Pip: Uh, Mr. Chef, if Stanley doesn't show up, can I use his helmet?
Chef: No Pip, I'm sorry!
Scene Description: Stormy mountains.
Stan: Sparky! Sparky!
Scene Description: South Park Football Field, first quarter. The game is about to begin.
Referee: Play ball.
Chef: You're gonna have to quarterback, Kyle.
Kyle: But I never practiced quarterback.
Chef: Well it's a little late for that bullcrap now.
Frank: Filling in for quarterback is number 12, Kyle Broslovski.
Mr. Garrison: Hey hey, where is little Stanley?
Mr. Hat: Yeah, why the hell is that little Jewish kid playing quarterback?
Jimbo: Ned, look!
Scene Description: Middle Park's mascot, Enrique, is shown.
Jimbo: They've got Enrique on their sidelines, and it looks like that bomb's still attached.
Ned: Yay.
Scene Description: Stan follows his dog's footprints and finds himself facing Big Gay Al's Big Gay Animal Sanctuary.
Big Gay Al: Hi little fella, how are you doing today?
Stan: Fine, how are you?
Big Gay Al: I'm super, thanks for asking.
Stan: My gay dog ran away and I was wondering if maybe he came here.
Big Gay Al: Well, let's see. Come on in. [they enter]
Stan: Do you have lots of gay dogs here?
Big Gay Al: We have all sorts of gay animals here at Big Gay Al's. Over here we have a gay lion.
Gay Lion: Rooaar.
Big Gay Al: And we have gay water buffalo, gay hummingbirds, here's a gaggle of gay gooses. Hi fellas, it's so super to see you!
Stan: Wow, seems like the animals here are really happy.
Big Gay Al: Of course they are, silly buns. It's the one place where gay animals can really be themselves. Do you like to dance?
Scene Description: They enter the techno-dance floor as disco music plays. Animals pour in to dance, even a dolphin on its tail.
Vocalist: Oww, we can both be gay!
Scene Description: In the huddle. The Cows win the coin toss.
Kyle: Cartman, you hike me the ball, then somebody run, and I'll throw it or something. Ready?!
Huddle: Break!
Scene Description: At the line of scrimmage.
Cowboy 1: You guys are toast.
Cowboy 2: Yeah, we're gonna pound your heads in.
Cartman: We'll just see about that.
Kyle: Set, set.
Scene Description: Cartman farts long and nasty right into Kyle's face. Kyle quickly retreats.
Kyle: Damn it Cartman!
Chef: What's the matter?
Kyle: Cartman farted!
Cartman: No I didn't. That was just my shoes.
Chef: Come on Kyle. We'll get a delay of game penalty.
Kyle: No way dude!
Chef: Hike! The! Ball!
Scene Description: Kyle is back in position, with his shirt covering his nose.
Kyle: Ah, dude, weak.
Cartman: That's right, you get back there.
Kyle: Hike!
Frank: Ball snatched! Middle Park blitzes!
Scene Description: Screaming as Kyle is tackled.
Frank: Fumble, Middle Park gets the ball. They run it in for a TOUCHDOWN! The score is 7-nothing Middle Park, with 14:57 remaining in the first quarter.
Jimbo: Hell's bells.
Frank: Why, I haven't seen a beating like that since Rodney King.
Scene Description: Phil quickly covers the mic.
Phil: Now Frank, that's not very PC. You're gonna get us in trouble again.
Frank: Right, right, uh. I gotta watch that.
Townsman 1: We lose our money 'cause of your nephew, we're gonna hang you up to dry, Jimbo.
Jimbo: Don't y'all worry, you just wait till halftime, heheh.
Scene Description: Big Gay Al's Big Gay Dance Floor.
Vocalist: ...both be gay.
Scene Description: Stan is dancing with a monkey, then sees Sparky.
Stan: Sparky! Hiya Sparky, how's it goin'?
Sparky: Ruff.
Stan: I missed you old pal, you really had me scared.
Sparky: Barr.
Stan: Come on, let's go home. I can still make it in time for the game.
Scene Description: Sparky follows Stan.
Stan: We can work on making you not gay together.
Scene Description: Sparky stops and sits.
Stan: Sparky?
Big Gay Al: Young man, it appears you still don't understand.
Stan: What don't I understand?
Big Gay Al: Come this way, I have to show you something.
Scene Description: South Park Football Field, second quarter.
Frank: With just over a minute to go in the half the score is Middle Park Cowboys 52, South Park Cows 0.
Kyle: Hut, hut.
Scene Description: Cartman snaps the ball to Kyle. The Cowboys blitz. Kyle flips the ball back to Pip, who is still without a helmet. The Cowboys players descend on him as soon as he catches the ball.
Frank: Oh no, I haven't seen an Englishman take a blow like that since Hugh Grant.
Scene Description: Phil muffles Frank.
Phil: Dude! Now that is not cool.
Frank: Sorry, sorry.
Scene Description: Big Gay Al's Big Gay Boat Ride.
Big Gay Al: Okay Stan, I think you should get in line for my Big Gay Boat Ride.
Scene Description: Stan looks at the boat.
Big Gay Al: Step aboard, Stanley.
Scene Description: He and Sparky step aboard the boat.
Big Gay Al: Hello everyone, and welcome aboard the Big Gay Boat Ride. On this adventure, we'll be seeing the world of gayness throughout time.
Scene Description: South Park Football Field. South Park's final drive before the halftime show.
Frank: And the South Park Cows are set to receive...
Scene Description: The Cowboys kick off.
Frank: There's the kick. It's taken by number 23, Kenny McCormick.
Scene Description: Kenny weaves through the special teams.
Frank: He's at the 50, the 40, the 30.
Cowboys: Hold him, hold him!
Scene Description: Two of them take hold of Kenny's arms.
Cowboys: Hold him, hold him!
Cowboy: Yaaah!
Scene Description: A Third Cowboy dives in, taking Kenny's head off, as the other two sever Kenny's arms.
Frank: The little running back is down. I think he's...
Scene Description: Rats come in to devour Kenny's corpse.
Frank: Yes, he's been decapitated.
Kyle: [gasps] Oh my God, they killed Kenny! You bastards!
Phil: Hah, that's gotta hurt, Frank.
Frank: Ouch-a-roo!
Chef: Hey, come on! That was roughing! At least let us scrape him off the field!
Frank: Looks like the South Park Cows aren't even gonna beat the 72 point spread, not by a long shot.
Scene Description: Big Gay Al's Big Gay Boat Ride.
Scene Description: The boat-ride begins the passage through several animatronic scenes.
Big Gay Al: You see, gayness has existed since the beginning of time. From the Egyptian pharaohs, to the shoguns of Japan.
Scene Description: The tips of the Japanese soldiers' swords touch.
Big Gay Al: Uh oh, look out, it's the oppressors! Christians and Republicans and Nazis, oh my!
Scene Description: Big Gay Al fires off a shot with his pistol.
Big Gay Al: Whoa! Oh gosh, that was close. Okay, let's steer our Big Gay Boat out of here, and into a place where gays are allowed to live freely.
Scene Description: Doors open to reveal a scene reminiscent of 'It's a Small World'.
Boat Ride Singers: We're all gay, and it's okay, 'Cause gay means happy and happy means gay. We're not sad anymore, cause we're out the closet door. It's okay, hey, to be gay!
Big Gay Al: Sooo, what do you think, Stan?
Scene Description: Still singing. ...It's okay to be gay...
Stan: This kicks ass! I'm sorry I tried to change you, Spark. I just didn't understand.
Scene Description: Still singing. It's okay to be gay. Shalala waylaylay shalala waylaylay. It's okay to be gay.
Big Gay Al: [to himself] Isn't this precious?
Scene Description: South Park Football Field. Halftime.
Frank: And now, here to sing the touching song Loving You, is the one and only, John Stamo-...s' brother...
Audience Member: Alright Richard!
Scene Description: Music starts up.
Richard Stamos: Loving you, is easy cause you're beautiful, -doo-n-doo-doo-doooo- Aaaaah!
Scene Description: His voice cracks and the music stops.
Richard: Aaaaah!
Jimbo: What the hell?!
Richard: Aaaaah!
Scene Description: His voice wavers.
Jimbo: He didn't sing the high F!
Mr. Garrison: Richard Stamos can't sing a high F, he always screws it up like this.
Jimbo: Ned... We're gonna to get our asses kicked.
Richard: Lalalalala lalalalala lalalalala lala la la lala...
Mr. Garrison: [heckling] It's obvious where all the talent in that family went!
Scene Description: Outside of Big Gay Al's Big Gay Animal Sanctuary.
Stan: Thanks for everything, Big Gay Al!
Sparky: Ruff!
Big Gay Al: No problem, kids! Are you sure you don't wanna stay for some toasted cheese sandwiches?
Stan: No thanks, I've gotta get back for the big football game. Come on boy!
Scene Description: They start to walk off.
Big Gay Al: Oh Stan?
Scene Description: They stop.
Big Gay Al: When you get back to town, [earnest music plays] tell them about us, will you? Tell them there are gay animals here who need homes, desperately.
Stan: I will Big Gay Al, I will.
Scene Description: They depart.
Scene Description: Bell dings.
Big Gay Al: Ooh, my carrot cake! [rushes inside]
Scene Description: South Park Football Field, fourth quarter.
Kyle: Hike!
Frank: And these South Park Cows are being absolutely molested by Middle Park. I haven't seen so many children molested since...
Mr. Garrison: I thought you said beating the spread was a sure thing, Jimbo.
Mr. Hat: Yeah, we all put our life savings in this game.
Townsman: You're a dead man, Jimbo!
Scene Description: A hail of food products is thrown at Jimbo.
Frank: Well, this should just about wrap it up for-
Scene Description: Stan and Sparky come onto the field.
Frank: Wait a minute, what's this?
Jimbo: Yeah! Yohooooh!
Frank: It's Stan, the South Park star quarterback!
Chef: Where the hell have you been Stan?!
Stan: I've been getting my best friend back.
Chef: Just get in there boy!
Jimbo: Give 'em hell, Stanley!
Scene Description: Stan takes his place on the field as Jimbo looks to the heavens, and prays aloud to himself.
Jimbo: Jesus? Now I haven't asked you for much, but all we need is one little score. Please? Please, Jesus?
Scene Description: In the first row of the stands.
Jesus: Leave me alone.
Stan: Hike!
Frank: Stan hikes the ball. He steps back to pass.
Kyle: Hey Stan! Ah, I'm open, I think!
Stan: Mph!
Scene Description: Stan throws the ball.
Frank: And he throws it to Kyle, the little Jewish kid!
Kyle: Oof.
Scene Description: Kyle runs towards the end zone, panting, Cowboys hot on his trail.
Frank: Oh my! I haven't seen a Jew run like that since Poland, 1938!
Scene Description: Frank recoils.
Phil: Dude!
Scene Description: The crowd cheers as Kyle scores.
Frank: Touchdown!
Jimbo: Yeah! Wooo!
Frank: The clock runs out and the final score is Middle Park Cowboys 73, South Park Cows 6. South Park beats the spread!
Scene Description: Frank swats his mic away.
Jimbo: Yeah! Woohoo!
Scene Description: Postgame press conference. Stan gets on stage by scoreboard.
Townsman: Speech!
Frank: Stan, what do you want to tell the world about this stunning almost victory?
Stan: Uh... It- it's really cool that we beat the spread against the Cowboys.
Crowd: Yeah, alright!
Stan: And maybe... we can beat 'em even more next year!
Crowd: Wooooh!
Stan: And it's okay to be gay!
Scene Description: The crowd falls silent.
Jimbo: What?!
Stan: Being gay is just part of nature, and a beautiful thing.
Mr. Garrison: What the hell is he talking about?
Frank: Uh, Stanley, you arrived very late in the game, where were you that whole time?
Stan: I was with my new friend, Big Gay Al. He showed me his Big Gay Animal Sanctuary, and took me on a Big Gay Boat Ride, where I learned all about the wonders of gaiety.
Scene Description: The crowd looks at Stan in disbelief.
Stan: It's true, I'll show you.
Scene Description: At the site of Big Gay Al's Big Gay Animal Sanctuary. There is nothing to be seen.
Stan: But it was here. It was all right here. There- there was a techno dance club...
Cartman: Stan, you need to lay off the cough syrup, alright, seriously. I'm worried about you man.
Scene Description: The missing animals suddenly appear.
Townswoman: Oliver! I thought you ran away all those months ago!
Townsperson 1: Sidney!
Townsperson 2: Willy!
Townsperson 3: Carlos!
Scene Description: Big Gay Al is suddenly at Stan's side.
Big Gay Al: I want to thank you so much for bringing everybody here.
Stan: Oh, there you are dude. How's it going?
Big Gay Al: I'm super, thanks for asking. It looks like now my work here is done.
Scene Description: He pops his suitcase open and climbs into it.
Big Gay Al: Goodbye Stanley, peace be with you.
Scene Description: He presses a button, and the suitcase closes.
Stan: Wow!
Scene Description: The suitcase flies off.
Richard: You guys, you guys! I can do it.
Mr. Garrison: Do what?
Richard: Loving you, Is easy cause you're beautiful, Doo-nn-doo-nn-doo-dooo
Jimbo: No!
Richard: Aaah!
Enrique: Mroo-
Scene Description: BOOM!


Scene Description: Bus Stop.
Cartman: Hey Stan, where'd you get that black eye?
Stan: Nothing, I mu-I mean, nowhere.
Cartman: Your sister beat you up again, huh?
Stan: No!
Cartman: Eheh, you know, heh, your sister kicked your ass.
Stan: She's just pissed off 'cause she got headgear at the dentist. She's taking it out on me.
Kyle: Yeah, but that sucks, to get your butt kicked by a girl, Stan.
Cartman: I would never let a woman kick my ass. If she tried anything, I'd be like, "hey, you get your bitch ass back in the kitchen, and make me some pie!"
Stan: My parents don't even believe that she beats me up. They think she's all innocent and sweet, but I know that she's an evil bitch!
Cartman: Be a man Stan. Just say, "Hey woman, ye-you shut your mouth and make babies."
Stan: Hey Kyle, what's that elephant doing?
Scene Description: The camera pulls back to get the elephant in the picture.
Kyle: You mean this one?
Stan: Yeah.
Kyle: He's my new pet elephant.
Stan: Whoa dude! Where'd you get a pet elephant?
Kyle: I got it mail ordered from Africa. The ad said it would take 4 to 6 weeks, but it only took three.
Stan: Wow, that's cool!
Kyle: No it's not cool! My mom won't let me keep him in the house. She says he's too big, and that his poop is bigger than our couch.
Cartman: That's why my mom got me a pot-bellied pig. Cause its poop is small.
Kenny: (Hey you guys, I talked to Garrison and he told me that they're almost the same.)
Stan: Well yeah, but pigs aren't smart, like elephants.
Scene Description: Ms. Crabtree's bus arrives.
Ms. Crabtree: Hey. Wait a minute. What is that thing?
Kyle: Uh, oh, this, this is, the new retarded kid.
Ms. Crabtree: Oh-I'm sorry little girl. But you still can't get on. You have to take the special ed bus.
Scene Description: Shot of retarded kid bus. Retarded noises of protest are heard.
Kyle: Boy, it looks like you're not welcome anywhere elephant. See ya.
Scene Description: He enters the bus with Stan and Kenny.
Cartman: [Entering.] If a woman ever gave me crap, I'd say, "Hey, you go do my laundry and-"
Ms. Crabtree: SIT DOWN KID!!!
Cartman: [Stung.] Yes ma'am.
Scene Description: Mr. Garrison's Classroom.
Mr. Garrison: And now children, our friend Mr. Hat is going to tell us all about genetic engineering.
Mr. Hat: That's right Mr. Garrison, genetic engineering is an exciting new science. You can splice the DNA from some animals, and make them better.
Kyle: Mr. Garrison?
Mr. Garrison: Yes Kyle.
Kyle: With genetic engineering, can you make an elephant smaller?
Mr. Garrison: Well, uh, ye, yes, I suppose you could. You could, splice elephant genes with a dog, or cat, or a, pot-bellied pig genes.
Kyle: That's it. I'm going to combine my elephant with a pot-bellied pig and make...pot-bellied elephants.
Scene Description: The class gasps.
Kyle: They'd be smart like elephants, but small like pigs.
Stan: That'd be cool!
Bebe: I want a pot-bellied elephant.
Pip: Yes, I'll pay fifty dollars for one.
Terrance Mephesto: That's stupid.
Kyle: Shut up Terrance, we can geneti-cal engineer anything we want.
Terrance: Oh yeah, I bet I can genetically clone a whole human being before you crossbreed and elephant and a pig.
Kyle: I'll bet you can't.
Terrance: Watch me plebeian.
Mr. Garrison: Well, spank my ass and call me Charlie. Isn't this exciting, two A+ students in a cloning war.
Mr. Hat: Yes Mr. Garrison, genetic engineering lets us correct God's horrible, horrible mistakes, like German people.
Mr. Garrison: You know, you boys might want to visit the Genetic Engineering Ranch outside of town for some help. And you could both use this for your science fair projects next month.
Scene Description: The bell rings. Most of the class leaves, but the boys stay behind.
Kyle: Genetic Engineering Ranch! Sweet!
Stan: Wait, wait. We still need a pig.
Kyle: We can use Cartman's pig.
Cartman: Ehh, you leave Fluffy out of this!
Kyle: We're not gonna hurt her, we just need some of her blood.
Cartman: You're not using any of Fluffy's blood, or else I'll kick you in the nuts. Kyle, Kyle no!
Scene Description: The boys leave.
Scene Description: Mr. Garrison steps forward to stop Stan.
Mr. Garrison: Uh, uhuh, Stanley, can I talk to you for a minute?
Stan: Okay.
Mr. Garrison: I couldn't help but notice that black eye you have. Are there problems at home?
Stan: [Despondantly.] Yes...
Mr. Garrison: Oh dear. Here Stanley, sit down, have some cocoa, and tell your friend Mr. Hat all about it.
Scene Description: Stan sits down.
Mr. Hat: I'm your friend, Mr. Hat, Stan. You can tell me anything. Now, who hits you, is it your father, or your mother?
Stan: Oh, neither. It's my sister.
Mr. Garrison: [Indignantly.] Your sister?! Oh for Pete's sake, don't be such a little wuss. Stop wasting Mr. Hat's time with pansy little foo-foo problems, and, give me back my cocoa!
Scene Description: Stan's house. A TV is heard.
Jesus: Let's open the phone lines back up for some questions...
Scene Description: Shelly turns to see Stan coming out of the sofa's shadow.
Shelly Marsh: Hey!
Robert: Yeah, is this Jesus?
Jesus: Yes, my son.
Stan: Hi Shelly.
Shelly: Are you looking at my headgear?
Stan: Headgear? What headgear?
Shelly: Are you looking at my headgear?
Stan: Oh, uh gosh uh, I didn't really notice.
Scene Description: Shelly gets up and glowers at him.
Shelly: You little liar.
Scene Description: She starts advancing, and Stan starts retreating.
Stan: No, I think it looks terrific. It matches your AAAAAH!
Scene Description: Stan turns to run, but she has his arm, she proceeds to beat the living hell out of him. She tosses him down the stairs into the basement, then approaches the doorway. He climbs out, but she flips him back towards the living room, then goes for the TV and drops it on his head. After the TV shorts out, he removes it, but she throws him like a basketball out the window, where his friends are waiting.
Kyle: Ready to go Stan?
Stan: Go where?
Kyle: To the Genetical Engineering Ranch.
Kyle: We got Cartman's pig so we can splice its genes with my elephant's.
Cartman: Nobody's splicin' nothing from Fluffy!
Scene Description: From the broken window.
Shelly: I swear I'm gonna kill you Stan!
Kyle: Why's your sister so mean to you dude?
Cartman: Yeah, if some sissy chick tried to kick my ass, I'd be all like, "Hey, listen, missy, eh, yewhy don't you go knit me sweater before I slap you in the face!"
Scene Description: She appears at the broken window.
Shelly: Who said that?
Scene Description: All stay quiet. Cartman points to Kenny.
Scene Description: South Park Engineering Ranch, night. The boys approach the entrance.
Kyle: This must be it.
Scene Description: Lightning strikes the ranch.
Cartman: [A bit wary.] Well, looks like nobody's home. Guess we should come back some other time.
Kyle: No, Cartman, we're going in there and splicing Fluffy and my elephant together.
Cartman: It's okay Fluffy, I won't let them hurt you.
Kyle: It's just a stupid pig.
Stan: Yeah, quit being such a baby.
Cartman: Baby?! Well, at least I don't get my ass kicked by a girl!
Stan: At least I'm not a little pig-fucker!
Cartman: Hey! I'm taking my pig and...Screw you guys! I'm going home! This whole idea's stupid anyway.
Kyle: What the hell would you know you fat sweaty mongoloid, you never get higher than a 'D'!
Cartman: Hey! Why don't you go back to San Francisco with the rest of the Jews?!
Kyle: There's no Jews in San Francisco, you retard!
Cartman: I'll kick you in the nuts!
Dr. Alphonse Mephesto: Can I help you?
Scene Description: The boys all gasp, and Kenny pulls his hood closed.
Kenny: Mmmmmm!
Kyle: Uh... yeah... we want to crossbreed an elephant with a pig.
Mephesto: Brilliant idea, huge elephant-sized pigs.
Kyle: No, no, no. We want to make little pot-bellied elephants that people can keep in their houses as pets.
Mephesto: Ohh, that's an even better idea. Come on in.
Scene Description: Inside the South Park Genetic Engineering Ranch.
Mephesto: I'm so pleased that you children are interested in genetic engineering.
Cartman: Eh, it's okay Fluffy, nobody's going to hurt you.
Mephesto: It's thanks to the wonders of genetic engineering that soon there will be an end to hunger, disease, pollution, even war. I have created things that will change the world for the better. For instance, here is a monkey with four asses.
Monkey: Mhhh.
Kyle: How does that make the world better?
Mephesto: And here, of course, is my four assed ostrich. And my four assed mongoose.
Stan: Do you have anything besides just animals with four asses?
Mephesto: Oh, uh, I suppose so uh. Oh yes, over here. Here I have rats splice with ducks, and gorillas spliced with mosquitos, and here I have rabbits spliced with fish to make little bunnyfish.
Cartman: Heyyy, these bunny ears are tied on with little strings.
Mephesto: And over here, Swiss cheese spliced with chalk, and a beard.
Kyle: Well, what about our pot-bellied elephant?
Mephesto: Oh. Well I'm sorry children, but, pig and elephant DNA just won't splice. Haven't you ever heard that song by 'Loverboy'?
Kyle: Which song is that?
Mephesto: Diindoon - pig and elephant DNA just won't splice! Although, maybe I could help you add a few asses to that swine of yours.
Cartman: You can keep your hands off of Fluffy's ass!
Mephesto: You know, it's amazing what we can do with a little blood sample these days.
Scene Description: Mephesto pricks Stan with the syringe.
Stan: Ow!
Mephesto: Hmm? What? Oh, excuse me.
Kyle: Wait, what are you taking Stan's blood for?
Mephesto: Oh, pardon me, I tripped. Could I have some hair please?
Kyle: Watch out Stan! Genetic engineers are crazy.
Scene Description: The boys quickly move away.
Cartman: Come on Fluffy!
Scene Description: Fluffy Squeals.
Scene Description: Inside the Cafeteria.
Jewish Kid: This fish is just hurting my anus.
Jason: Naw, it's pretty fresh.
Cartman: UUuuhh. I sure am hungry.
Pip: 'Ello gentlemen, any of you blokes know what's for lunch today?
Scene Description: Silence. The boys stare back.
Pip: Lunchy munchies, hmmm?
Cartman: Go away, Pip! Nobody likes you!
Stan: Yeah, what kind of name is Pip anyway?!
Pip: Well, my father's family name being Pirrip, and my Christian name being Phillip, my infant tongue...
Cartman: God Damnit, would you shut the hell up?! Nobody gives a rat's ass.
Stan: Yeah! Go away, Pip!
Pip: Righto.
Scene Description: Pip walks off.
Cartman: Gah, French people piss me off.
Scene Description: Terrance, Bill, & Fosse Approach.
Terrance: Hey dumb-asses. You morons give up on your stupid science fair project yet?
Kyle: No! We're already halfway done.
Terrance: Halfway? Then all you've got is a stupid pig.
Bill: Yeah, it's probably a gay pig too.
Fosse: Stupid gay pig.
Kyle: It's more than you've got!
Terrance: Wroong. We've already got our human clone well under way.
Scene Description: One of the bullies opens a bag and drops it. A foot pops out.
Kyle: Oh my God! They cloned a foot.
Scene Description: The foot kicks Cartman in the face.
Cartman: Ugh!... Hey! I'll kick your ass!
Scene Description: Cartman kicks it away, and it lands in Pip's lunch tray and bounces away.
Pip: Eho!
Terrance: By Friday, we're gonna clone a whole human being. Good luck with your stupid little pig.
Scene Description: In the kitchen
Chef: Hello there children.
Kyle: Hey Chef.
Chef: How you doin'?
Boys: Bad.
Chef: Why bad?
Kyle: We need to genetically engineer our pig and an elephant, but their genes won't splice.
Chef: Ahhhh, of course they won't splice children. Haven't you ever heard that song by 'Loverboy'?
Chef: Dooodnnndoodnn - A pig and an elephant DNA just won't... A pig-elephant. Say, now that's not a bad idea.
Kyle: I told you guys.
Chef: Imagine, a pint sized elephant that you could keep in the house. Children, we could make a fortune with this.
Kyle: You hear that dudes? We'll be rich!
Chef: Forget about all that genetic engineering whoosafudge. If you want to combine a pig and an elephant, just get them to make sweeet love.
Cartman: Whaaat?!
Stan: I don't think an elephant would make love to a pig.
Cartman: I don't think my pig would want to make love to that stupid elephant.
Chef: Sure they would. But you're gonna have to get 'em in the mood.
Stan: So how do we do that?
Chef: Do what I do, get 'em goood and drunk.
Scene Description: Boys get off the bus later that day.
Stan: Hey uh, you guys want to come over to my house?
Kyle: We've got work to do Stan, I think it takes a while for an elephant to get drunk.
Stan: Really, you, you guys don't want to come over for just a little bit?
Cartman: Why? Is your sister gonna kick your ass again?
Stan: Shut up Cartman!
Kenny: (Or are you gonna hit her with your hand?)
Kyle: Yeah Stan, she's just a girl.
Cartman: Yeah, if some girl tried to kick my ass, I'd be like, "hey, why don't you stop dressin' me up like a mailman, annnd making me dance for you while you go and smoke crack in your bedroom and have sex with some guy I don't even know, on my dad's bed!"
Scene Description: Astonished looks from the other guys.
Stan: Cartman, what the hell are you talking about?!
Cartman: I'm just saying you're just a little wuss, that's all.
Kyle: Stan, you can use family love as a weapon against Shelly. The next time she's gonna kick your ass, just tell her, "Shelly, you're my sister, and I love you."
Kenny: ("And I want to see you handling your breasts.")
Stan: Sick dude, she's my sister.
Kyle: Try it. We'll see you in a while, we got to go get Cartman's pig.
Cartman: No, you don't gotta get Cartman's pig! You leave Fluffy out of this!
Kyle: Come on Kenny.
Cartman: Kyle no, seriously. No fuckin' elephant is going to make love to my Fluffy, I... Kyle, I will kick you in the nnnnuts.
Stan: Crap.
Scene Description: Stan's house. Stan sneaks through the front door.
TV Voice: And now back to Jesus and Pals on South Park Public Access...
Shelly: Are you staring at my neck-brace?
Stan: No, I mean, yes, I mean, what neck-brace?
Scene Description: She jumps off the sofa and grabs him by the throat.
Stan: Shelly, before you beat my face into a bloody pulp again, I just want you to know that... that you're my sister, and I love you.
Scene Description: Shelly smiles, Stan smiles, it looks like she's gonna let him go... yeah, right! She throws him off to a clear space on the floor, where he lies defeated.
Stan: No. Ahh! Someday, Shelly, I'm gonna be bigger than you, and you're gonna wish you'd never done any of this to me.
Shelly: You'll never be bigger than me Stan. Never!
Scene Description: Inside the South Park Genetic Engineering Ranch.
Scene Description: Mephesto is marveling at his creation.
Mephesto: Beautiful, it's absolutely beautiful. My son, I think we've finally done it.
Scene Description: A fetal version of Stan is seen in the incubator.
Terrance: Yes, we have dad. My very own human clone.
Bill: Hopefully not a gay clone.
Fosse: Yeah, that was stupid.
Bill: Stupid.
Fosse: That was stupid.
Scene Description: Out in the hills somewhere, Kyle is pumping a keg that the elephant is drinking from.
Kyle: Come on elephant, keep drinking.
Stan: Damn, I wonder how drunk he needs to be to make sweet love to the pig.
Scene Description: Fluffy is drinking from a trough labeled "Beer".
Kyle: Dammit! This is never gonna work.
Scene Description: Chef comes into view.
Chef: Hello children. I thought I'd check and see how our little entrepreneurial venture is going.
Kyle: Rotten, they're both really drunk, but the won't have sex.
Chef: Ohh, children, you just can't stick a drunk pig with a drunk elephant, and, and, expect them to do the mattress mambo. You need to set the mood.
Scene Description: He moves over to a boombox with a mic attached.
Chef: Let me show you boys what I'm talking about. Tonight is a-right for love, you know I - want tuh touch you where the lights don't go. Tonight is a-right for love, love gravy. Expressing love so sweet. I want tuh - keep you burnin' like a dog in heat. Tonight is a-right for love, love graaavaaay.
Scene Description: The elephant and pig approach each other. Fluffy smiles at the elephant, then turns around in order to receive him.
Chef: Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Elton John!
Scene Description: Enter Elton John. Intermingled shots of Fluffy and elephant getting interested.
Elton John: Oooo tonight Oooo it's all right Oooo tonight is right for love, love gravy.
Scene Description: The boys applaud
Chef: Thank you Elton.
Scene Description: slowing the tempo. Houses all over the hill show couples embracing.
Chef: Tonight is right for love, love graaavaaaaaay.
Scene Description: Elephant is about to mount Fluffy.
Kyle: Hey look! It's working.
Chef: Now children, gather around, and watch the wonders of life. The beauty of Mother Nature.
Scene Description: Squish. Squeals follow.
Kyle: Aah!
Stan: Sick!
Cartman: Fluffy!
Chef: Hmm, now I know how all those white women must have felt.
Scene Description: Squealing continues.
Scene Description: Inside the South Park Genetic Engineering Ranch. A big mutant version of Stan is in the incubator, with a very long left arm.
Mephesto: How luscious. Our creature has come to fruition, boys.
Terrance: Dad, you're the best.
Mephesto: Oh my God! He only has one ass. He's of no use to me, I'll have to burn the room.
Scene Description: Clone Stan breaks out of the incubator.
Mephesto: Oh no, this entire experiment is turning out very bad.
Clone Stan: Me bad??
Scene Description: Clone Stan throws four-assed frog against wall, killing it.
Mephesto: Eeegads, he's out of control. We'll have to destroy him.
Terrance: But he's our science fair project!
Clone Stan: Uhhh, me baad, aba-ba-chewy-chomp.
Mephesto: He's too dangerous son.
Terrance: But dad! I want a human clone.
Mephesto: Son, no.
Scene Description: Clone Stan jumps through window, then tears down the ranch gate entrance.
Mephesto: Oh son, you've made a horrible mistake. You've put all the people of South Park in jeopardy.
Terrance: They're all stupid anyway. Come on guys, let's go.
Bill: Yeahh, they're all gay.
Scene Description: Back on the Hill. Shot of Fluffy and elephant sleeping together.
Kyle: Aren't they ever gonna wake up?
Chef: Oh, they will. It's gonna be one uuuugly sight.
Kyle: I thought you said the wonder of Mother Nature was a beautiful thing.
Stan: Yeah, when does Mother Nature go from beautiful to ugly?
Chef: Usually about 9:30 in the morning, children.
Scene Description: The elephant begins to wake up.
Chef: Uh oh, here we go.
Scene Description: Elephant looks down at Fluffy with surprise and bellows.
Chef: Yeahhh, there's nothing worse than getting all drunk and waking up the next morning next to a pig.
Scene Description: Fluffy looks up at elephant, begins crying.
Chef: Or a big fat elephant.
Kyle: Hey, how do we know if she's pregnant?
Chef: Well boys, we might not know that for a couple of days.
Kyle: Couple of days? But Terrance is going to have his human clone by tomorrow.
Cartman: Well, good job Einstein, why don't we just build a rocket in the meantime?
Scene Description: Kyle punches Cartman.
Cartman: Hey!
Scene Description: Mephesto approaches.
Mephesto: Oh thank Buddha I found you boys. You must tell me, have you seen anything odd lately?
Stan: Uh, we saw an elephant have sex with a pig.
Mephesto: No, no, I said odd.
Chef: Hey, you're that crazy cracker from up on the hill.
Mephesto: Sir, if making mutant animals spliced with humans is crazy... then... uhhhhh... hmmm... oh, nevermind. I'm afraid there's been a bit of an incident at the ranch. You see, I've created a large mutant clone of that little boy there, and he's broken free.
Kenny: (A big mutant Stan?!)
Stan: A big mutant version of me?
Kyle: Is he bigger than a regular clone?
Mephesto: He's terribly dangerous. His brain is identical to yours. I need you to help me find him.
Scene Description: Downtown South Park. Clone Stan is wreaking havoc on the town. People are running in fear. Clone Stan has a car in one hand, he's destroying it. A woman screams. Clone Stan tosses car aside effortlessly.
Clone Stan: Ah chewy-chewy-chomp.
Woman: Oh my Gooodd!
Mr. Garrison: Stan, are you wearing a different hat?
Clone Stan: Uhhhyahhuhhh.
Scene Description: picks up Mr. Garrison and begins beating him against the ground
Mr. Garrison: Hey, I know a certain young man who's itching for a detention.
Scene Description: Clone Stan throws Mr. Garrison aside.
Mr. Garrison: Aaaaaah!
Scene Description: Mr. Garrison flies through Jimbo's Guns window.
Mr. Garrison: Ooooh.
Scene Description: Boys in Downtown South Park.
Kyle: How big do you think he is?
Stan: I bet he weighs four hundred pounds.
Kyle: Come on Stan, don't you even know where you would go?
Kenny: (Look at that! What's he doin'?)
Stan: Oh my God!
Townsman: Aaaah!
Scene Description: Clone Stan is running by with two people in his arms.
Scene Description: Newscaster on TV.
Tom: It appears that the horrible, destructive creature is actually eight-year old Stan Marsh of South Park. When asked why he was wreaking so much havoc on his home town, the little boy replies simply, "Me Stan, ba-chomp, ba-chewy-chomp, ba-chewy-chomp. Back to you in the studio.
TV Newscaster: Thanks Tom, police are requesting that if you see this little eight-year old boy you immediately kill him and burn his body. That's all for now.
TV Voice: Now back to Jesus and Pals.
Jesus: - Yea, the way is paved with gold for ye who seek truth and-
Scene Description: Clone Stan breaks through wall on set of show.
Clone Stan: Ba-ba-chomp-betchaba-chewy-chewy-chomp-aaah.
Jesus: Jesus!
Clone Stan: its-to-the-left-mayoueyea.
Scene Description: On the streets of South Park. Officer Barbrady is directing traffic.
Stan: Officer Barbrady, my evil genetic clone is destroying the town. We have to find him.
Officer Barbrady: You boys have been watching the "X-Files" too much, there's no such thing as genetic clone -
Clone Stan: Ahhhh.
Scene Description: Clone Stan grabs Officer Barbrady and throws him into nearby pond.
Officer Barbrady: Whoa! [From under the surface.] Listen, uh, you kids go on home, there's nothing to see here.
Kyle: Come on, let's go!
Scene Description: Stan's Uncle Jimbo approaches.
Jimbo: There you are! Stanley, you tore up my entire gun shop, you better have a good explanation for this mister!
Stan: It wasn't me Uncle Jimbo, it was my evil genetic clone.
Scene Description: Mr. Garrison walks up looking like hell.
Mr. Garrison: Stanley, what the hell has gotten in to you?! You have got severe lunchroom duty mister!
Jimbo: I'm gonna go have a word with your father Stanley.
Mr. Garrison: Yeah, you wait 'til your father hears about this.
Kyle: Wait, Stan, there he goes.
Stan: Stop!
Clone Stan: Ahhh, ba-ba-chomp?
Kyle: He recognizes you dude.
Stan: That's good, that's good dude. Just calm down.
Scene Description: Clone Stan is now seated in the road.
Clone Stan: Ba-chomp, eh mee ahh jaran.
Kyle: What should we do with him?
Scene Description: Stan looks at Clone Stan, then smiles mischievously.
Stan: Stan, how would you like to go home and meet your sister?
Clone Stan: Ahhhh, yeahhh.
Scene Description: Outside Stan's house. The boys and Clone Stan approach the front door. Sparky can be seen off to the side.
Stan: ...So remember, Shelly's the one with the big wire coming out of her mouth and a metal plate on her back. When you see Shelly, kick her ass. Shelly bad, Shelly very bad.
Clone Stan: Me bad??
Stan: No! Shelly bad, you good.
Scene Description: Clone Stan proceeds to destroy the house.
Stan: He's tearing up the house, stop him!
Scene Description: Clone Stan is hitting a chair against the ground. Kenny runs towards Clone Stan, who uses the chair to chuck him into the microwave in the kitchen. The microwave starts up, cooking Kenny.
Stan: Come on Kyle, Cartman.
Scene Description: The boys run at Clone Stan, and he knocks each one aside.
Clone Stan: Ah.
Shelly: What the hell do you want?
Clone Stan: Chewy-chewy-chomp.
Scene Description: Shelly head butts him onto the ground.
Clone Stan: Ahhh. Uhhh.
Scene Description: Mephesto rushes in followed shortly by Terrance with Bill & Fosse.
Mephesto: Boys! Boys, I'm lusciously sorry for everything.
Terrance: Hey, they've got our clone. He belongs to us.
Mephesto: No son, this beast is a disgrace to genetic engineers everywhere. Boys, I'm sorry I've caused you such - inconvenience. I tried to play God, and I failed.
Scene Description: Mephesto shoots Clone Stan through the head.
Terrance: Daddy! Nooooo!
Mephesto: All I ever wanted was to genetically engineer something useful, but I failed. Perhaps we shouldn't be toying with God's creations. Perhaps we should just leave nature alone, to its simple one assed schematics.
Terrance: You cheating bastards. This isn't over, just wait until tomorrow.
Scene Description: Kyle just now noticed something.
Kyle: Oh my God, they killed Kenny! You bastards!
Scene Description: Stan sees his parents drive up.
Stan: Mom and dad are home. My house is a disaster, you guy- you guys have got to help me.
Cartman: I ain't helpin' crap! I want to eat some paeh.
Stan: You can't just leave me here alone.
Cartman: Oh yeah, watch me. [Zips away.]
Kyle: Yeah Stan, we have to go find out if Cartman's pig is pregnant or not. See ya. [Leaves.]
Stan: Thanks a lot.
Shelly: Ohh boy, you are gonna get it now.
Scene Description: Jimbo and Mr. Garrison are shown outside, talking to Stan's parents.
Stan: It isn't fair! Everybody hates me! The whole town wants me killed! Mom and dad are gonna send me away! I don't want to be sent away! I want to stay here! Eehhhehehe!
Scene Description: Randy and Sharon enter.
Randy: Stanley, what, what in God's name have you been doing?
Sharon Marsh: Everybody in town is upset with you young man. What's going on? Are you on drugs?
Shelly: It's not Stan's fault.
Randy: Huh?
Shelly: It wasn't Stan, he was... he was with me the whole time.
Randy: Oh, well Stan, we're uh, we're sorry we jumped to conclusions.
Sharon: Oh honey, please forgive us son.
Stan: Shelly, you, you saved my life. And yet, you've done so much more than that. Today you've taught me the meaning of family. Sure, families don't always get along, but when the forces of evil descend upon us, we conquer them, by sticking together.
Scene Description: Shelly begins beating the crap out of Stan.
Stan: Uh, ahh, oooh.
Scene Description: rats drag away Kenny's charred corpse as Shelly takes a lawnmower to Stan's face.
Scene Description: Mr. Garrison's Class. The science projects are due.
Mr. Garrison: Everyone, let's give K. C. and his weed a big hand.
Scene Description: Only Clyde claps.
Mr. Garrison: Okay Kyle, we're ready to see your science project.
Kyle: Well, our pig hasn't given birth yet, but she should anytime now.
Mr. Garrison: Oh, well then I guess you get an 'F'. Okay, Terrance, I know the class can hardly wait to see your science fair project.
Terrance: Thank you Mr. Garrison. Boys, Mr. Garrison, fellow students, for our science fair project Bill, Fosse, and I have spawned a creature genetically far superior to man. I present to you, the five-assed monkey.
Scene Description: Shot of Monkey with five asses.
Monkey: Ahhheh.
Mr. Garrison: Oh, Mr. Hat, isn't it beautiful.
Scene Description: More students clap.
Stan: Wait, wait, the pig just gave birth. It, it had a baby!
Kid 1: It had a baby?
Kid 2: Oh wow!
Clyde: What's it look like?
Kyle: Does it look like a pig, or an elephant?
Cartman: Hey, it kind of looks like Mr. Garrison.
Mr. Garrison: Ohh, uh, gee, isn't that an amazing coincidence? Hmm, what are the odds of that?
Hat: Hmmm. You boys get first prize.
Cartman: That'll do pig.


Scene Description: Stan's House.
Marsh Family: Happy Birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear grandpa...
Marvin "Grandpa" Marsh: Uhhhhh.
Marsh Family: ...Happy birthday to you.
Sharon: Now blow out the candles grandpa.
Scene Description: Grandpa blows, but nothing comes out but a low moan.
Sharon: Hurray!!!
Randy: How's it feel to be 102, paps?
Grandpa: Shoot me.
Sharon: Make a wish grandpa.
Grandpa: I wish I were dead
Randy: Ha, ha, ha, that's our silly grandpa.
Grandpa: I'm not being silly! Kill me. I'd do it myself, but I'm too damn old.
Sharon: Ooh, who wants ice cream with their cake?
Shelly: I will.
Randy: Me.
Stan: It's eight o'clock, my favorite TV show is on.
Shelly: That show's for babies, it's so stupid.
Stan: Can I eat my cake in the living room mom? Please, can I?
Sharon: Oh, alright, but take your grandpa with you.
Stan: Aw, dammit!
Sharon: Language.
Scene Description: In front of the TV. Stan has his slice of cake with him.
TV Announcer: And now back to Terrance & Phillip.
Phillip: Hey Terrance, I think I have to fart.
Terrance: Wait, before you do, pull my thumb.
Scene Description: Phillip pulls, and Terrance lets loose with a juicy fart. They both laugh.
Stan: Heheheh hehehe...
Grandpa: Uhhhhh
Scene Description: Grandpa lines a shotgun up to his face, but it leaves a big hole in the picture behind him when he shoots.
Grandpa: Ah, dammit!
Scene Description: Stan looks at him.
Granpa: How would you like to make a dollar Billy?
Stan: My name's not Billy, grandpa. It's Stan.
Grandpa: Dammit Billy, do you want a dollar or don't ya?
Stan: Sure.
Grandpa: Ok. You just have to do one thing for me.
Stan: I'm not gonna kill you, grandpa.
Grandpa: Why not?
Stan: 'Cause I'll get in trouble.
Grandpa: I killed my grandpa when I was your age.
Stan: Leave me alone, grandpa.
Scene Description: On the TV there's a fart, and more laughter.
Grandpa: What has America's youth come to? Kids won't even kill their own grandparents.
Scene Description: Kyle's House. Ike and Kyle are watching 'Terrance & Phillip'
Phillip: Hey Terrance, now that you've farted, I think I might fart too.
Scene Description: Phillip farts, and they laugh.
Terrance: Ohhh, you farted.
Scene Description: Kyle is laughing pretty hard.
Sheila Broflovski: Kyle, bubbe, what are you watching?
Terrance: Hey Phillip, would you like a flower?
Phillip: I sure would Terrance.
Terrance: Alrighty then, here's a two-lip.
Scene Description: Terrance farts, and they laugh.
Sheila: What is this?
Scene Description: Kyle falls off the armchair laughing.
Sheila: It's horrible!
Scene Description: Kyle gets up off the floor.
Kyle: Dude, it's Terrance & Phillip.
Scene Description: Phillip knocks Terrance's head to one side.
Phillip: Take that, you stupid dick.
Sheila: What did he say?
Terrance: You're an asshole, Phillip.
Sheila: Whatwhatwhaaat?!!?
Scene Description: Laughter. She turns the set off.
Shiela: Young man, you are not to watch that show anymore! It's immature toilet humor!
Kyle: But everybody watches Terrance & Phillip.
Scene Description: Sheila with her arms akimbo.
Sheila: Oh really? Is that so?
Scene Description: Cartman's House.
Terrance: Oh no, Phillip, looks like you're about to fart.
Phillip: You're exactly right, Terrance. Oh.
Scene Description: Fart. Laughter.
Terrance: Oh no.
Scene Description: Laughter.
Cartman: Ha, ha, ha, that's sweet!
Liane: Eric dear? I just got a call from your friend Kyle's mother. She said that this show is naughty, and might make you a potty mouth.
Cartman: That's a bunch of crap! Kyle's mom is a dirty Jew!
Liane: Ohhh, okay hon.
Scene Description: Stan's House. Stan is going to bed, but before entering he reviews his chores for the morrow. Grandpa has added one more...
Stan: I'm not going to kill you, grandpa!
Grandpa: Ingrate!
Stan: Good night, grandpa.
Grandpa: You pompous son of a whore!
Scene Description: Mr. Garrison's Class.
Student: Huh huh, I had another ...
Scene Description: Cartman punches Kyle on the shoulder.
Kyle: Ow! What the hell was that for?!
Cartman: That's for your stupid mother! She made me miss Terrance & Phillip last night!
Clyde: Yeah, what's the big idea having your mom call all our moms last night?
Kyle: Well I didn't have her do it. She did it on her own.
Cartman: Why does this happen every month? It seems like, right around the same time every month, Kyle's mom gets a hair up her ass about something and I always end up getting screwed by it!
Mr. Garrison: Children! Children! A certain student's mother called me last night.
Cartman: [Tauntingly.] Oh, gee, I wonder who's mother that could have been?
Mr. Garrison: She informed me that some of you might be watching a, a naughty show called Terrance & Phillip.
Class: Yeahh, woohoo!
Mr. Hat: Watching that show is bad, Mr. Garrison.
Mr. Garrison: That's right, Mr. Hat. Shows like Terrance & Phillip are what we call 'toilet humor'. They don't expand your minds.
Scene Description: Silence.
Mr. Garrison: You see children, these kind of shows are senseless, vile trash.
Scene Description: Kenny walks in.
Mr. Garrison: Kenny, why are you late to class?
Scene Description: Kenny hands Mr. Garrison a note. The note reads 'Please excuse me for being late. I have explosive Diarrhea. signed -K'
Mr. Garrison: Oh, okay Kenny, be seated.
Scene Description: Addressing the class.
Mr. Garrison: Now, as I was saying, the reason that parents of South Park are so upset is because...
Scene Description: Kenny is waving his hand frantically.
Mr. Garrison: Yes Kenny, what is it?
Kenny: (I have to go poop.)
Mr. Garrison: I thought you just came from the bathroom.
Kenny: (I did, I gotta go again...)
Mr. Garrison: Okay okay, go ahead.
Scene Description: Kenny goes in the restroom.
Mr. Garrison: As I was saying, you all seem to enjoy this show, even though it isn't based in reality. There's much more to life than two young men farting on each other. And throughout history there have always been shows that have come and gone that have been very bad, and usually they get taken right off the air. You see, you should be spending your time enlightening your minds with more intelligent entertainment.
Scene Description: Throughout the lecture, sounds of some serious diarrhea come from the bathroom. The sounds get progressively worse as Kenny moans loudly. Kenny reenters the classroom at the end of the lecture. Kenny sits back at his desk and Stan, reacting to the diarrhea's smell, waves his hand in front of his face.
Stan: Whoa! Smells like you slaughtered a cow in there, Kenny!
Mr. Garrison: Pay attention children!
Scene Description: Pounds on the lectern.
Mr. Garrison: I'm going to join your parents in requesting that you don't watch Terrance & Phillip any more, ever.
Cartman: What?
Clyde: Not watch Terrance & Phillip ever?
Scene Description: Kyle's face drops.
Mr. Garrison: That's right, children. Are there any questions?
Scene Description: Stan raises his hand.
Mr. Garrison: Yes, Stanley?
Stan: Is it okay to kill somebody if they want you to?
Scene Description: After a moment of reflection.
Mr. Garrison: What, what do you mean?
Stan: My grandpa keeps asking that I kill him all the time, and sometimes I wonder if I should.
Kyle: Well, then you should. I think that a person has a right to die if they wanna.
Stan: Really??
Kyle: Yeah, there's this guy named Jack Leborkian that goes around and murders people that ask him to, and he doesn't get in any trouble at all.
Stan: Wow!
Cartman: Hey, maybe we can get him to Kyle's mom!
Stan: So, is it okay to assist somebody with suicide, Mr. Garrison?
Mr. Garrison: Uh, Stan, I'm not touching that one with a twenty-foot pole.
Kenny: (OH MY GOD!)
Scene Description: Kenny runs into the bathroom and releases a large splatter of diarrhea.
Kenny: (Owww!) [Splatterrrrr!]
Scene Description: School Cafeteria.
Cartman: Man! I can't believe we're gonna miss Terrance & Phillip today. I think I'm already having withdrawal.
Scene Description: He starts convulsing and making seizure related sounds.
Stan: Don't worry dude, we can all go watch it at my house. My parents don't get home until late.
Kyle: But won't your grandpa be there?
Stan: Yeah...
Cartman: Just kill 'im dude, maybe he'll give you some money.
Chef: Hello there children.
Stan: Hey Chef.
Chef: How's it goin'?
Stan: Bad.
Chef: Why bad?
Stan: Chef, is it okay to kill your grandpa?
Chef: You can't kill my grandpa Stan, he's already passed on.
Stan: No, I mean, kill my grandpa.
Chef: No, I don't think that's okay Stan. In fact, I think that's illegal.
Stan: See, I told you dude.
Kyle: Well, yeah, but what if the grandpa wants to die, cause he's really old, and he's just asking for help?
Cartman: Yeah, like assisted suicide. What about that?
Scene Description: Stops himself twice before responding
Chef: I don't want to touch that with a forty foot pole.
Stan: What's the big deal? Why won't anybody talk about this???
Scene Description: South Park PTA Meeting.
Sheila: And I myself was not aware of this horrible show until recently. I have a clip to demonstrate exactly what I mean.
Scene Description: She puts the tape in and starts the VCR.
Terrance: Hey Phillip, guess what?
Phillip: What?
Scene Description: Rips a fart.
Terrance: Fart.
Sheila: Now apparently, that's supposed to be funny.
Randy: Heh, heh, heh, he farted right on his head, heh heh.
Scene Description: Other PTA members stare at Randy in shock. He looks around chagrined.
Sheila: Not allowing our kids to watch this show is not enough. We need to boycott the entire network! All those in favor...
Scene Description: Loud, juicy fart comes from the little boys room. Mr. Garrison exits.
Mr. Garrison: Ohh, I think I've caught a touch of the flu from little Kenny this morning. I've got the green apple splatters.
Scene Description: Amid peals of laughter.
Townsman: Ha ha, green apple splatters.
Scene Description: Stan's House.
Grandpa: Uhhhh.
Stan: Hi grandpa, I brought my friends over to watch TV, if that's okay.
Grandpa: Billy, help grandpa stick this fork in the outlet.
Stan: No grandpa, I'll get in trouble.
Grandpa: Kill me, God dammit!
Stan: No, I can't even kill a deer.
Grandpa: Well then, have one of your little friends do it. You can kill me can't ya?
Cartman: I would never kill somebody... not unless the piss me off.
Scene Description: Seizing the opportunity.
Grandpa: Ohh, is that a fact? Well, let me tell you something, Porky. Your mom was over here earlier, and I humped her like a little bitch.
Cartman: What!
Grandpa: That's right.
Stan: Grandpa!
Grandpa: And then, I dug up your great-grandma's skeleton, and had my way with her too.
Cartman: Hey!
Grandpa: Choice piece of ass, your great-grandma.
Cartman: You piece of crap! I'll kill you!
Grandpa: That's the spirit, Tubby.
Scene Description: Restraining Cartman.
Stan: Come on, Cartman, he's just trying to get to you.
Cartman: Don't talk about my mom like that!
Scene Description: Dragging Cartman away.
Stan: We can go watch Terrance & Phillip in the kitchen.
Grandpa: I ever tell you about the time I boofed your dad, Fatso?
Cartman: Ah, I can't believe that son of a bitch!
Stan: Here Cartman, have some Snacky Cakes.
Cartman: Oooh, Snacky Cakes, god dang.
Stan: I don't know what to do dude, my grandpa really wants to die.
Kyle: I'm telling you, it's okay. Maybe you should ask the Lord for guidance.
Stan: Hey, yeah!
Scene Description: Stan's House, kitchen.
TV Announcer: And now, back to 'Jesus and Pals' on South Park Public Access.
Jesus: Yea, believe in me and ye shall find peace.
Scene Description: Jesus presses a button on the phone.
Jesus: First caller, you're on 'Jesus and Pals'.
Scene Description: There's an echo.
Caller: Yeah, is this Jesus?
Jesus: Yes, yes caller, you need to turn your TV down, that's why you're getting that weird feedback.
Caller: Oh, sorry.
Scene Description: Caller fixes the echo.
Caller: Uh, this is Martin...
Jesus: Martin, from Aspen Park, yes, I know.
Martin: How the hell'd you know that?
Jesus: Well, maybe because I'm the Son of God, brainiac, now, do you have a question?
Martin: Uh, yeah, uh, I have this cousin who, who cheated on the SAT's and-
Jesus: Tell little Gregory that cheating is lying and lying is wrong, no matter what the circumstance.
Martin: Oh, oh, okay, thanks for the advice, Jesus.
Scene Description: Jesus presses a button on the phone.
Jesus: Next caller, you're on the air.
Stan: Jesus?
Jesus: Yes my son?
Stan: Jesus, is, is it okay to kill somebody if they ask you to, because they're in a lot of pain, you know, like, assisted suicide, is that okay?
Jesus: My son...
Stan: Yes?
Jesus: I'm not touching that with a sixty foot pole.
Scene Description: He presses a button on the phone.
Jesus: Next caller.
Stan: Goddammit!
Jesus: I heard that.
Stan: What the hell is wrong with everybody?
Cartman: Hey you guys, Terrance & Phillip is on!
Kyle: Yeah, hey, do you think we'll get in trouble for watching it?
Stan: Kyle, don't be such a butt-hole!
Cartman: Yeah, just cause your mom is a stupid bitch doesn't mean the whole world has to suffer.
Kyle: Don't call my mom a bitch, Cartman!
Cartman: Oh, biiitch.
Scene Description: Turns around and hoists his ass up to simulate a woman with a big ass.
Cartman: Your-mom-is-a-bi-bi-bii-biittchh.
TV Announcer: And now back to Terrance & Phillip.
Terrance: Hey Phillip, would you like to eat some beans.
Phillip: Oho yeah, I love beans.
Cartman: Uh oh, I bet I know what's coming.
Grandpa: Billy, would you mind holding this for grandpa, please?
Stan: Okay, grandpa, okay. Just get out of the way of the TV.
Terrance: Hey Phillip, it looks like those beans might make me fart.
Phillip: Well, don't fart on me, Terrance.
Cartman: Dude, he's gonna fart on his head again.
Kenny: (Oh my God!)
Scene Description: Kenny runs to the bathroom.
Cartman: Hey, you're gonna miss it, Kenny.
Scene Description: After receiving the dreaded fart.
Phillip: You're such an asshole, Terrance.
Terrance: Haha, that I am!
Scene Description: Laughter.
Scene Description: Disgusting diarrhea sounds.
Kenny: (Ow!)
Cartman: Hurry up Kenny, you're gonna miss the fart.
Scene Description: Shelly walks in.
Shelly: Jesus! What the hell are you doing?
Stan: We're not watching Terrance & Phillip, I swear. I, I mean, Cartman was watching it.
Shelly: No, I mean, what the hell are you doing to grandpa?!
Scene Description: Stan traces the rope and realizes that Grandpa has hung himself, but hasn't died.
Grandpa: Tug - a - little harder, Billy.
Stan: Aaah!!
Scene Description: Releases the rope. Grandpa falls to the ground, landing on his side.
Grandpa: Uh, ow.
Shelly: You little jerk!
Scene Description: Slugs Stan in the face
Shelly: You were trying to kill grandpa! I'm telling mom!
Grandpa: Dammit! I was so close.
Scene Description: Some time later the kids are the ones on television.
TV Announcer: Four third graders from South Park, Colorado, were found trying to viciously murder an innocent grandfather.
Talk Show Host: Boys, how did you get driven so far to the edge? What changed you into such demonic little bastards?
Stan: We didn't know what we were doing. We were just sitting there, watching Terrance & Phillip and...
Talk Show Host: Terrance & Phillip, aha! So it is that show that is to blame.
Scene Description: In front of Tom's Rhinoplasty.
Sheila: These boys minds have been tainted by the garbage on television that they see, and we are fed up!
Crowd: Woooo!
Townsman: Huh? Oh god! Oh god!
Scene Description: Runs into a Port-a-Potty for some quick relief.
Sheila: We have to stop this smut from going on the air. We will march to the network and protest until our demands are met. New York, here we come!
Scene Description: Sound of a deep, wet, sonorous fart.
Scene Description: In front of Cartoon Central.
Scene Description: Cartoon faces of Tragedy and Comedy adorn the signs.
Sheila: We are spreading the word to this establishment that we demand better television, for our children!
Scene Description: Loud cheering from the crowd.
Sheila: We want more quality television, like Full House.
Scene Description: More cheering.
Scene Description: In line to use the Port-a-Potty.
Randy: Oh, I think you gave me the stomach flu, Mr. Garrison.
Mr. Garrison: No, no, it was that little Kenny bastard that gave it to me.
Scene Description: The Mayor exits the Port-a-Potty.
Randy: Whoa, Mayor, you, uh, making gravy in there? Heh, heh, heh, heh.
Mayor McDaniels: I just had a brown baby boy.
Scene Description: Laughter.
Scene Description: Stan's House, in disarray. Kyle is jumping on the sofa, Stan and Cartman are tossing the football, and Kenny is flying a kite.
Kyle: Dude, this is sweet, not having parents around.
Scene Description: The others scramble to the sofa and start jumping.
Stan: Yeah, I hope they protest TV shows forever.
All: Whoopeee!
Grandpa: Come here Billy, I want to show you something.
Stan: Aww, do I have to?
Grandpa: Yes you do, you little pecker! I realized that the reason you won't kill me...
Scene Description: Stan jumps off and follows Grandpa towards his room.
Grandpa: ...is because you don't understand how I feel, Billy, but now I found a way to show you what it feels like to be a grandpa.
Scene Description: They both enter, Grandpa shuts the door.
Stan: Hey, what are you doing?!
Scene Description: Grandpa loads a cassette into a tape player.
Scene Description: Outside the room with Kenny and Cartman
Kyle: What are they doing in there?
Cartman: I don't know.
Grandpa: Now, you're about to see what it's like to be as old as me. Are you ready, Billy?
Stan: Uh, I guess.
Scene Description: Grandpa starts the tape, which plays a bit of Muzak that evokes Enya's 'Orinoco Flow (Sail Away)'
Stan: Okay, you, you can let me out now.
Grandpa: Not just yet.
Scene Description: He turns up the volume.
Stan: Let me out, grandpa!
Scene Description: Stan tries to open the door.
Stan: I can't take it anymore, this music is terrible, it's, it's cheesy, but lame and eerily soothing at the same time.
Scene Description: Singer
Grandpa: That's it, now you know what it feels like to be grandpa.
Scene Description: Stan falls out of the room, looking very haggard.
Singer: 'Gonna fly, gonna fly, gonna fly'
Scene Description: Grandpa turns off the radio and follows.
Stan: Eh, grandpa, I had no idea how bad it was for you. Now I understand.
Grandpa: So now will you kill me, Billy?
Stan: Sure I will grandpa, I will.
Scene Description: In front of Cartoon Central, New York.
Liane: Hehh, it doesn't look like our protest is working.
Sheila: It'll work, it has to.
Townsman: Look! It's the president of the network.
John Warsog: Ladies and gentlemen, my name is John Warsog, I've prepared a statement for you on behalf of the network.
Scene Description: He clears his throat a couple of times.
John Warsog: Fuck you.
Scene Description: A slight pause.
John Warsog: Thank you ladies and gentlemen. If there are any questions, you may direct them to that brick wall over there.
Scene Description: He turns back towards the building.
Sheila: Hey, you will not get away with this!
Scene Description: He moons the crowd. They gasp in shock. He goes inside and shuts the door.
Sheila: That does it, no more Mr. Nice Protesters. It's time for 'Plan B'.
Liane: Ohho, Carol, where are the Porto-Potties?
Sheila: Over there hon. What, you need to drop some friends off at the pool?
Liane: [Lustily.] Ohhh, yes, indeedy.
Scene Description: They laugh.
Scene Description: Outside of Stan's house.
Stan: Okay grandpa, all you have to do is sit there. We'll do the rest. [To Kyle.] You got the cow all tied up?
Kyle: Yep, all done.
Stan: 'Kay, come on guys.
Scene Description: The boys struggle to lift the cow over grandpa's head.
Cartman: Why don't we just shoot him?
Stan: You dumbass Cartman, it has to look natural, or else we'll all get busted.
Kyle: Yeah, stupid!
Grandpa: That's good Billy, a little higher now.
Cow: Moooo!
Scene Description: In front of Cartoon Central.
Sheila: The network is not taking us seriously. In the past, people have had to die for what they believed in, and we are prepared to do the same. Ready?
Scene Description: Mr. McCormick positions himself in front of a large sling shot.
Sheila: Mr. McCormick, you shall be a martyr to us all. God Speed. We will not let these corporate half-wits ruin our children's minds. Launch!
Scene Description: Mr. McCormick is flung into the front of the Cartoon Central building, splattering into bloody death. The crowd gasps.
Sheila: We will all follow suit, one by one if that's what it takes.
Scene Description: Sounds of abdominal pain as people line up to the Porto-potties.
Scene Description: Outside of Stan's house somewhere.
Stan: Are you ready, grandpa?
Grandpa: Does the pope crap in the woods?
Scene Description: Officer Barbrady drives up. He is staring at the scene of a cow dangling above Grandpa by a rope. Stan stands off to the side, knife in hand, ready to cut the rope.
Police Radio: 7 Mary 5, code 6 - 105 North Avenue 52.
Cow: Mooo!
Officer Barbrady: Carry on.
Scene Description: He starts the car back up and drives away.
Stan: Ok, here we go. Bye grandpa, it was nice knowing you.
Grandpa: Uhh, cut the damn rope already!
Scene Description: Sounds of thunder. Lightning flashes. Death appears and disappears.
Stan: What is that?!
Kyle: Well, it, it looks like...
All: Death!
Death: Mrrrrr!
Scene Description: He points at them.
Grandpa: It's about time you lazy-ass son of a whore.
Scene Description: Death approaches grandpa.
Grandpa: Come on, let's go.
Scene Description: Death continues past grandpa, towards the kids.
Grandpa: What the...?
Stan: Hey, he's coming towards us.
Kyle: Why is Death coming after us?
Death: Mrrr.
Kids: Ahhh!
Scene Description: The kids run into Stan's house and towards his room, Death in hot pursuit. Stan struggles to open the door.
Cartman: Aaaah, runrunruuun!
Scene Description: They enter the room. Stan bars the door with his body.
Death: Mrrr.
Scene Description: Death bangs on the door.
Kyle: What are we gonna do?
Death: Mooorrrr!
Scene Description: In front of Cartoon Central.
Newscaster: As the day progresses, more and more South Park residents continue to sling shot their bodies into the side of the 'Toon Central building. Toon Central is now under incredible pressure to cancel the show, and has already lost over 20% of their sponsors.
Sheila: Here Carol, I think it's your boy.
Sharon: Oh thanks. What is it Stanley-hon, did you break something?
Stan: Mom! Death is here, and and he's trying to take us all away with him!
Sharon: Stanley, honey, you need to leave mommy alone, I'm doing something very, very important for your little well-being there.
Stan: Yeah, but, mom!
Sharon: Here honey, talk to your father.
Randy: Did you turn the heat down?
Stan: Dad, Death is coming!
Randy: Keep the thermostat under 70, and take care of your grandfather.
Scene Description: He hangs up.
Scene Description: Stan's room. Death is trying to enter.
Death: Mrrrr!
Stan: Dammit! You know, I think that if parents would spend less time worrying about what their kids watch on TV, and more time worrying about what's going in in their kid's lives, this world would be a much better place.
Kyle: Yeah, I think that parents only get so offended by television because the rely on it as a babysitter, and the sole educator of their kids.
Kenny: (You know what I think? Basically, if you let the decision of what you watch stop at the parents' control, then what can you see? It'll stay the same because they'll just get offended although their kids are not delighted with the television series they put on for their kids.)
Kyle: Totally dude.
Stan: Good point man.
Death: Mrrrr!
Scene Description: Death cuts through the door with his scythe.
Stan: Ahhhh!
Kyle: Quick, jump through the window.
Cartman: Ehh, eh, ehhhh!
Scene Description: Kenny pushes Cartman out the window and follows.
Death: Mrrrr!
Scene Description: South Park Main Street.
Kids: Aaaah! Aaaah! Aaaah!
Scene Description: Death is following the kids on a tricycle. Grandpa tries to keep up on his electric wheelchair.
Grandpa: Come back here, you pompousy son of a pansy!
Kids: Aaaah!
Scene Description: Kyle sees Death close to Kenny.
Kyle: Don't let him touch you! You die if he touches you!
Grandpa: Come over here, you son of a whore!
Scene Description: Death ignores him, but something in T.V. World makes Death take a second look. Terrance and Phillip are on TV floating in spacesuits. There are seven screens - a giant central one flanked by three smaller ones on each side.
Phillip: Uhh, oh Terrance? What color is the wind?
Terrance: Hmmm, I don't know, why don't you check?
Scene Description: Farts. Canned laughter.
Phillip: Oh, you farted.
Scene Description: Death laughs.
Terrance: Ohho God.
Scene Description: Death is laughing uncontrollably.
Terrance: Hey Phillip, you know what my space suit smells like?
Phillip: No Terrance, why don't you tell me?
Terrance: Well, it smells like, a dirty fart!
Scene Description: Laughter. Death laughs.
Stan: [Noticing.] Hey look!
Scene Description: After Terrance farts.
Phillip: Oh, there's one.
Scene Description: The kids go back to watch the show with Death. They are all laughing.
Scene Description: In front of Cartoon Central.
Newscaster: Hours have passed, and still the die hard South Park parents are killing themselves in front of the 'Toon Central building, one by one. Worse yet, the stomach flu that seems to be going around is...
Scene Description: He puts his hand to his earphone.
Newscaster: Wait, wait, I'm getting word that the president of the network is going to make a statement!
Scene Description: The door to Cartoon Central opens. The president emerges wearing a gas-mask.
Townsman: Wait, wait.
John Warsog: Ladies and gentlemen, your nazi-esque tactics of trying to stink us out with your rancid feces ... has worked.
Scene Description: Shot of a large pile of crap lying in front of the two Porto-potties.
John Warsog: Therefore, today we will be officially taking Terrance & Phillip off the network and replacing it with reruns of She's the Sheriff, starring Suzanne Somers.
Scene Description: The crowd cheers.
John Warsog: Now get away from here, and take your diarrhea with you!
Scene Description: The crowd continues to cheer.
Townsman: Huh, oh no!
Scene Description: He is launched, and he leaves a bloody mess on the sign.
Sheila: At last, now we can return to normality.
Scene Description: Television store in downtown South Park.
Terrance: Hey, Phillip.
Phillip: Yes, Terrance?
Terrance: Is there a penny stuck in my butt?
Phillip: Well I don't know, Terrance, let me check.
Cartman: Uh oh, don't look there, Phillip, you're gonna get farted on.
Scene Description: Static appears on the TV, and then a new screen comes up.
TV Announcer: We interrupt this program to bring you loud static.
Scene Description: Loud Static. Death is upset and resumes his mission.
Death: Mrrrrr!
Kids: Ahhh!
Scene Description: South Park Main Street. Death turns and touches Kenny, and Kenny falls over, dead.
Kyle: Oh my God, they killed Kenny. You Bastard!!!
Stan: Wow, I guess Death was just coming after Kenny the whole time.
Grandpa: Hey, you were supposed to kill me!
Death: Mrrr.
Grandpa: That's not fair, Goddammit! My grandpa asked me to kill him and I did it.
Scene Description: Death points a cold finger up the street. From a misty haze emerges an incredibly haggard looking ghost of a man.
Stan: Whoa!
Great-Great-Grandpa: Billllyyyy...
Grandpa: Grandpa?
Great-Great-Grandpa: That's right, Billy.
Grandpa: My name's not Billy, grandpa. And what's wrong with you? Why do you look all haggard?
Great-Great-Grandpa: I asked you to kill me, Billy, but I was wrong. And now I'm forced to spend eternity in limbo.
Grandpa: Limbo?
Great-Great-Grandpa: I was wrong to put you in that position, Billy, just like you're wrong to put Little Billy in it now. You're so obsessed with ending your life, you're not thinking about what you're doing to his. You must wait to die of natural causes.
Grandpa: But I've been waiting for 25 years.
Great-Great-Grandpa: Let nature run its course, or else end up in limbo. Natural causes Billy, natural causes...
Scene Description: Death, Great-great-grandpa and Kenny's ghost fade away into the mist.
Stan: Come on you guys, let's go home.
Scene Description: A rat comes up and takes Kenny's corpse away.
Scene Description: Stan's House.
Sheila: Here they are!
Randy: Well, we did it son, we fought a battle for your well being, and won.
Stan: What do you mean?
Sharon: We got Terrance & Phillip taken off the air.
Cartman: You son of a bitch, your mom sucks!
Sheila: But look what they put on.
Scene Description: Turns on the TV.
TV Announcer: And now back to She's the Sheriff.
Cartman: Ohhh, God, No!
Suzanne Somers: You are the one behind all these shenanigans.
Dude: Yeah, well you're the stupid ho that started it.
Sheila: What did he say?
Suzanne: Up yours, butt-munch.
Sheila: Whatwhatwhaaat!!!
Scene Description: She turns on her heel and takes up her sign.
Sheila: Come on everybody, back to New York!
Scene Description: The Marshes follow her out the door.
Kyle: Hey Stan, now that Terrance & Phillip has been taken off the air, what are we going to do for entertainment?
Stan: I don't know. We, we could start breathing gas fumes.
Cartman: My uncle says that smoking crack is kinda cool.
Kyle: Hey, why don't we watch some of those porno movie thingies?
Stan: Cool!
Cartman: Yeah!
Scene Description: Grandpa wheels up wearing a touristy shirt, carrying an Africa brochure.
Stan: What are you doing grandpa?
Grandpa: I'm planning a trip to Africa. Did you know that over 400 people are eaten naturally by lions in Africa every year?
Stan: That's my silly grandpa.
Scene Description: All laugh. Kyle farts.