Scene Description: A television is on, near the end of an episode of Barnaby Jones.
Police commissioner: Well, detective. It looks like ya fooled them again.
Barnaby Jones: [Now quite old.] All in a day's work, I guess. I just hope that next time, I won't have to run so much.
Scene Description: The end credits roll and the TV is turned off. The camera backs up to reveal that the TV is in Mr. Garrison's class.
Mr. Garrison: Okay, children, what do you think Barnaby Jones meant when he said, "This is not a victimless crime"? Anybody? [The kids just stare at him.] Children, were you paying attention?!
Kyle: Mr. Garrison, we've been watching Barnaby Jones repeats for eight days now. It's hard to keep paying attention.
Mr. Garrison: Oh, well excuse me, Kyle! Why don't you just forget what Barnaby Jones has to say?! Why don't you not pay attention to Barnaby Jones and then let's see how far you get in society?! Okay, Stanley, why don't you tell us how Barnaby Jones knew the poison was in the milk?
Stan: Can't we just be like normal third-graders for a little while?
Mr. Garrison: Oh, and what do you consider normal?!
Stan: I don't know, like, learn about art 'n music and go on field trips and stuff.
The Class: Yeah!
Mr. Garrison: Well, Mr. Smarty-Pants, it just so happens we are going on a field trip tomorrow!
The Class: Hooray!
Kyle: To where?
Mr. Garrison: To the planetarium.
The Class: AAWWWW!
Cartman: Planetariums suck!
Mr. Garrison: Oh now, what's wrong with the planetarium?
Stan: It's boring.
Kyle: Yeah, all the constellations look alike.
Mr. Garrison: Well, too bad! You're all going to the planetarium tomorrow and you're all going to love it! In the meantime, we're going to watch episode #203, Barnaby Under Siege.
The Class: [Softly.] Aawwww.
Mr. Garrison: Oh, sorry, I taped these at home, so there's more commercials.
Scene Description: A Cheesy Poofs commercial begins to play. A blonde wearing a Cheesy Poofs shirt is shown hiding something off camera.
Announcer: Hey kids, do you love Cheesy Poofs?
Scene Description: She pulls out the box.
The Class: Yes.
Announcer: Well, Cheesy Poofs is looking for a kid to sing the happy Cheesy Poofs song. Watch for our talent van as it goes around the country.
Cartman: I can sing the Cheesy Poofs song!
Announcer: If you win, you could be picked to be in our next Cheesy Poofs commercial. So remember, I love Cheesy Poofs, you love Cheesy Poofs If we didn't eat Cheesy Poofs, we'd be lame.
Scene Description: Cartman is singing along by the end of the first line.
Scene Description: The next day. Mr. Garrison and the class are headed away from South Park on Ms. Crabtree's bus. The kids are making a lot of noise and running around. Mr. Garrison stands at the front of the bus.
Mr. Garrison: Okay, children, let's quiet down so the nice bus driver can concentrate on the road.
Ms. Crabtree: THAT AIN'T HOW YOU DO IT! YOU DO IT LIKE THIS: SIDDOWN AND SHUT UP!!
Scene Description: Mr. Garrison jumps back and the kids hurry to their seats.
Mr. Garrison: [Rubbing the back of his head.] Ow! Jesus, lady!
Scene Description: Tantalus V. Observatory. Ms. Crabtree hits the brakes so hard the bus bucks and sends kids flying out of their seats.
Ms. Crabtree: THIS IS THE PLANETARIUM, WATCH YOUR STEP ON THE WAY DOWN SO AS NOT TO HURT YOURSEELF!
Kid: [Voice quivering.] Ow.
Scene Description: The kids have all exited the bus.
Mr. Garrison: Okay, children, now I'm going to remind you that this is a planetarium, not a Bangkok brothel. Let's behave ourselves.
Announcer: [Over a loudspeaker nearby.] Does your child have what it takes to be the next Cheesy Poofs anthem singer?
Scene Description: The Cheesy Poofs talent van is in the observatory parking lot. It is a shaped like a rocket on wheels. A sound system with towering speakers is set up next to it.
Cartman: Hey, there it is!
Announcer: We're going around the country to find the kid who can sing the Cheesy Poofs song better than anybody.
Cartman: I can sing the Cheesy Poofs song with both hands tied behind my back!
Kyle: You couldn't get both arms behind your back, fatass!
Mr. Garrison: Come on, Eric. We're going to the planetarium.
Cartman: But I'll have to sing the Cheesy Poofs song for that talent va-a-an!
Mr. Garrison: No, you have to go in this building and see a bunch of stupid stars! Now, come on!
Scene Description: The rest of the class moves away.
Cartman: [Whining.] But I wanna sing the Cheesy Poofs song on the commercial!
Scene Description: The class enters the observatory, and some of the students are awed by it all.
A Boy: Wow, don't you...?
A Girl: What is that?
Dr. Adams: Hello, children. My name is Dr. Adams. Welcome to the plane'arium.
Kyle: I thought it was planetarium.
Dr. Adams: Well, it is. But I have a bone disease which impedes my ability to pronounce the "t" in "plane'arium".
Mr. Garrison: That's a pretty weird bone disease.
Dr. Adams: Yes. Perhaps someday I can get a bone-marrow transplant.
Scene Description: Cartman has his hand up.
Dr. Adams: Yes, little boy?
Cartman: How long is that Cheesy Poofs van gonna be outside?
Dr. Adams: Well I don't know. But anyway, boys and girls, soon you'll be witnessing the wonders of the universe. But first, I wanna show you how the plane'arium works.
Cartman: As if we care.
Scene Description: Kyle notices a young brunette with a clipboard walking in.
Kyle: Hey, who are you?
Dr. Adams: Ughuh, little Missy here runs the big projector for us.
Missy: I love my work.
Stan: Whoa, dude! You're only as old as us; shouldn't you be in school?
Missy: I love my work.
Scene Description: Her eyes are glazed over. Stan and Kyle notice this and look at each other.
Dr. Adams: Come on. Let's get into the plane'arium, shall we?
Scene Description: In the planetarium proper. The class sits in a small theater and Dr. Adams is in a small room behind the class. Another kid works some controls on a machine on the theater floor.
Dr. Adams: Good morning, children, and welcome to the plane'arium. We're going on a fascinating ride through the universe, so I want you to lean back in your chairs and get comfortable.
Scene Description: All the seats lean back on their own, so they have no choice.
Stan: This is stupid.
Dr. Adams: And now I'm going to dim the lights and let the stars... eh-come out.
Scene Description: The dome darkens and some faint stars appear.
Kyle: [Not amused.] Whoopie.
Dr. Adams: Here we see the constellation called, "The Big Dipper". If I project a drawing of a big dipper on top of it...[Very softly.] a-hah [The drawing appears, connecting the stars.] ...we see where this constellation gets its name. These stars over here form the constellation of Taurus, the Bull...
Scene Description: The drawing of a bull appears.
Dr. Adams: ...while these stars form the constellation, "Roger Ebert".
Scene Description: An outline of Roger Ebert's face appears with a thumbs down.
Dr. Adams: And these two little stars over here form the constellation The Crusades.
Scene Description: From the two stars comes an elaborate drawing of crusaders storming the city of Jerusalem. Stan looks over at the kid on the floor and notices the same glazed-eye look Missy has.
Dr. Adams: Now, stars are actually made of hot gas, which is exactly what comes out of...
Cartman: Aw man, screw this.
Scene Description: Cartman gets up and leaves the room. Dr. Adams turns an "Intensity" dial to 9.
Dr. Adams: And now breathe deep as the stars sloowwly start to move in little circles.
Scene Description: The kids are getting mesmerized by them.
Dr. Adams: I know you think plane'ariums are boring, but I'm gonna try to change the way you think about that.
Scene Description: Meanwhile, outside, tryouts are underway. Cartman stands behind a boy currently singing for the talent van.
Boy: ...you love Cheesy Poofs If we didn't eat Cheesy Poofs, we'd be lame.
Announcer: That was great, Tommy. Tommy Fritz from Torrey Pines! He could be our winner.
Cartman: Excuse me, but I do believe that sucked ass!
Announcer: Oh, and what's your name, little boy?
Cartman: Eric Cartman.
Announcer: Alright, here's Eric Cartman giving it a shot.
Scene Description: The cameraman starts filming, Cartman shoves Tommy aside, who falls down.
Tommy: Aaah!
Cartman: [Clears his throat and affects a tenor] I love Cheesy Poofs you love Cheesy Poofs If we didn't eat Cheesy Poofs we'd be lame. I'm talkin' Night-Court-in-it's-fifth-season lame-aaaahh!
Announcer: [Slapping his palm to his head] Wow!
Cartman: Thaat's right, suck on that.
Scene Description: The planetarium doors open and the class exits.
Mr. Garrison: Well, kids, how did you like the planetarium?
Kyle: Oh, man, I don't feel so good.
Stan: Me neither, but... I loved the planetarium.
Kyle: Me too. It was sweet.
Mr. Garrison: Really? What did you like best about it?
Stan: I don't know. I don't even remember what happened.
Mr. Garrison: [Tallying.] Wait a minute. Where is Eric?
Cartman: [Happily popping by.] I did it! I did it!
Kyle: Did what?
Cartman: I got a call-back for the Cheesy Poofs song!
Mr. Garrison: You snuck off and sang that stupid song?!
Cartman: Yeah, dude, but I got in the finals for tomorrow!
Dr. Adams: [Now at the door.] Goodbye, children. Thanks for visiting. Don't forget: we have Laser Rock shows at night here at the plane-'arium. This week it's Laser Kenny Loggins and Laser James Taylor.
Scene Description: The class is on the bus going back to school.
Kyle: My head still feels funny.
Stan: Yeah, mine too.
Cartman: Hey you guys, when I'm done with that- Cheesy Poofs commercial, I bet I get all the free Cheesy Poofs I want.
Kyle: Like you really need it, hippo-ass!
Cartman: [With some pity.] It's sad how jealous you are, Kyle. It really is.
Scene Description: A boy pops out from the seat behind Cartman in front of Stan and Kyle.
Boy: Waaaah!
Stan, Kyle: AAAAAH!
Kyle: Whoa, dude! Who the hell are you?!
Boy: [Haltingly.] My... name... is... vvan... G-gelder.
Stan: Van Gelder?? What the hell are you doing on our bus?! Mr. Garrison, there's some freaky kid from the planetarium on our bus!
Mr. Garrison: Oh, great! Well I guess we have to go back!
Van Gelder: [In a state of panic.] Nnno! Nn-don't go back! Nnno!
Cartman: Hey, be careful, asshole!
Van Gelder: Eegh! Don't take me back there!
Scene Description: He drops down, then comes back up.
Van Gelder: I can't... can't...
Stan: Alright, dude. Mellow out, jeez!
Van Gelder: Aaaagghh.
Scene Description: Van Gelder passes out and falls to the floor.
Mr. Garrison: [Quickly at his side.] We've better get him to the nurse's office, stat!
Scene Description: The nurse's office. Van Gelder has been strapped down. Principal Victoria, Mr. Mackey, and Nurse Gollum are present.
Van Gelder: [Very agitated.] Aagh! The planetarium! Haah!
Nurse Gollum: I'll give him a pain killer. That should calm him down.
Van Gelder: Nno! Nnno pain killer! I'll be okay!
Mr. Mackey: Okay uh van Gelder-
Van Gelder: Nnnaaaah!
Mr. Mackey: -okay uh I'm Counselor Mackey. Have you been smokin' marijawana? Marijawana's bad, mkay?
Van Gelder: Eh must... tell... the machine. The machine is... e-e-e-ghe gheh-
Scene Description: Van Gelder collapses.
Mr. Mackey: Well, I've never seen anything like this. What do you think, principal?
Principal Victoria: Well, whatever happened to him happened at the planetarium.
Van Gelder: Haah! Planetarium!
Principal Victoria: I think tonight the planetarium is doing Laser Loggins. I might have to check it out.
Van Gelder: Nnaaah!
Scene Description: Later that night, at the planetarium, Laser Loggins is underway. "Footloose" plays and Laser displays of feet dance around the ceiling.
Principal Victoria: Oh, man, this is boring!
Man: Yeah, who the heck finds this stuff interesting?
Scene Description: The camera pans to two teen boys, who look like stoners, sitting in the next section by themselves.
Teen 1: Dude, this is totally killer.
Teen 2: I hope this goes on for like, seven months, man.
Scene Description: In the booth, Dr. Adams goes to his controls and turns the intensity dial to 8.5, "Footloose" fades, and the lasers close into a narrow beam.
Dr. Adams: You will not remember what happened here. To remember it will cause incredible pain.
Scene Description: He turns the dial to 9.
Dr. Adams: Incredible pain!
Scene Description: He turns the dial even further.
Dr. Adams: Incredible icky paaiin!
Teen 1: Dude, I'm totally tripping.
Teen 2: This is totally killer.
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, the next day. The school bell rings.
Mr. Garrison: Okay, children, today we're going to learn all about Japanese poems called haiku. A haiku is just like a normal American poem, except that it doesn't rhyme, and it's totally stupid. For example- Uh, where is Eric Cartman?
Stan: That's a haiku?
Mr. Garrison: No, I'm asking why Eric Cartman isn't at school.
Stan: Oh.
Mr. Garrison: Was he on the school bus this morning?
Stan: No.
Kyle: [counting off the syllables] Fatass Cartman was not on the school bus today. What a big, fat turd.
Mr. Garrison: Hoh, very good haiku, Kyle. Yes- haikus have five syllables, then seven, then five. Kenny, can you give us another example?
Kenny: (When you rub your dick, you might find a discharge that winds up on the floor.)
Scene Description: The class roars with laughter.
Stan: Yeah. What's a discharge?
Kyle: Mr. Garrison, since haiku sucks so much ass, could we go to the planetarium again?
Stan: Yeah, I wanna go to the planetarium again, too.
Mr. Garrison: But you were just there! Why do you wanna go again so soon?
Stan: [Stumped, then to Kyle.] Yeah, why do we wanna go again so soon?
Kyle: I dunno. I just have this sudden urge to go back.
Mr. Garrison: Well, I guess we could go again, since it's just down the street.
Scene Description: Cartman enters the classroom, a rolled up paper in his hand, full of himself.
Cartman: Well, hello, it's all my little friends with all their little dreams.
Mr. Garrison: Eric, where have you been?
Cartman: Let's see, where have I been, where have I been?
Stan: Where have you been, Cartman?
Cartman: Wweell, I might have been over at the Cheesy Poofs call-back, winning regional championship!
Scene Description: He unfurls the paper.
The Class: Whoa!
Scene Description: The paper reads, "Cheesy Poof Anthem Regional Champion"
Cartman: This is my regional championship certificate! Do you like it? [Now taunting.] Hey, where is your regional championship 'tificate, Clyde? Oh, you don't have one?
Scene Description: Clyde looks crestfallen.
Cartman: Hmmm. Do you have a regional certificate, Wendy? Nno?
Scene Description: Wendy scrunches her face.
Cartman: Apparently, only I do.
Kyle: Ass full of pork fat jiggles like a Jello mold. Mouth is flapping, too.
Cartman: Your haiku insults have no effect on me, Kyle. I'm regional champion.
Stan: Does that mean you're gonna be on that Cheesy Poofs commercial?
Cartman: It's between me and four other kids. I'm on my way now with my mom to the finals.
Kyle: I bet you don't win. They don't let big fat asses perform on TV.
Mr. Garrison: Very good, Kyle.
Cartman: Shut your God-damned mouth or else I'm... gonna... kick you square in the balls... ass-hole Aw, damn it!
Scene Description: Over in Nurse Gollum's office, Van Gelder is still strapped down. Mr. Mackey stops by.
Mr. Mackey: Um. How's he doing, nurse?
Nurse Gollum: He's stable, but I still can't get any information out of him. I'm gonna sedate him now.
Van Gelder: Nno! No drugs.
Mr. Mackey: Drugs are good, mkay?
Van Gelder: Nno! Don't let them g-go... planetarium!
Nurse Gollum: But why, van Gelder?
Van Gelder: The machine. The machine is aaaah.
Scene Description: He stiffens, then collapses.
Mr. Mackey: The machine is aaaah? Uh that's probably bad.
Nurse Gollum: He's been talking about "the machine" for hours. That and Daisy Fuentes.
Van Gelder: Wha- why in America's Funniest Home Videos? Why?
Mr. Mackey: Uh, there's only one way to get any sense out of him. We're gonna have to try a mind meld, mkay?
Nurse Gollum: A what?
Mr. Mackey: Well, it's an ancient technique handed down from school counselor to school counselor. I don't like to use it, but it may be our only hope.
Nurse Gollum: Well, what will you need?
Mr. Mackey: Just time to prepare, nurse. Just time. [Oh, the tension!] Mkay?
Scene Description: Tantalus V. Obsevatory. The class is back.
Dr. Adams: Well, children, I'm so glad you came back to learn more.
Mr. Garrison: They just begged to come back; I couldn't get them to shut up about it.
Dr. Adams: Well, I'm sure we're going to have a marvelous time. Won't we, children?
The Class: Yes.
Scene Description: The two stoner teens appear, now dressed as employees and with their eyes glazed over.
Teen 1: This way, please.
Teen 2: Enjoy your visit.
Scene Description: Stan and Kyle look at each other. Moments later, the class is in the theater, looking at the laser show.
Dr. Adams: Billions of stars and billions of galaxies make up our universe. Here you see Polaris, the dog star.
Scene Description: Mr. Garrison gets up and walks by Dr. Adams in the control booth.
Mr. Garrison: I'm just gonna step outside and go weewee.
Dr. Adams: Certainly, Mr. Garrison.
Scene Description: Dr. Adams watches him leave, then quickly turns intensity dial up to 9. The stars brighten and dance rapidly.
Dr. Adams: You love the planetarium! To be without the planetarium causes you horrible pain! All you want to do is help the planetarium thrive! To not do so makes your stomach ache with needlelike stab-
Scene Description: He quickly turns down the intensity upon seeing Mr. Garrison enter the theater. He gestures at his next item.
Dr. Adams: ...and right over here we see the constellation Orion.
Scene Description: Mr. Garrison gives him a thumbs up and Dr. Adams waves at him weakly.
Dr. Adams: Orion's belt is made up of three stars, one of which is actually a pulsar...
Stan: Dude, what just happened?
Kyle: What do you mean?
Stan: Come on, we've gotta get out of here before something bad happens.
Scene Description: Cheesy Poofs Call Backs Today! Cartman and his mom wait with the other finalists and their parents on sofas in the front office. Cartman is picking at his nose.
Liane: Don't pick your nose, hon.
Cartman: I wasn't picking it-I had an itch, for cryin' out loud!
Liane: Don't be nervous. I'm sure you'll win.
Cartman: I don't know. There's a lot of competition here.
Cosette: Do you think I might win, Mommy?
Cosette's mother: I hope so, honey. Then perhaps we can eat for a little while.
Scene Description: Cartman thinks for a second then gets up on the sofa and points out the window.
Cartman: Hey, look! They're giving away bread outside!
Cosette: [Gasps.] Did you hear that, Mommy?
Cosette's mother: Come on! Perhaps we can get some food in our stomachs!
Scene Description: They rush outside. Cartman follows them to the door and closes it behind them.
Cartman: Sike!
Scene Description: Back at the planetarium, Stan and Kyle are standing outside, the doors open and the rest of the class straggles out.
Mr. Garrison: [Noticing them.] What the hell are you boys doing? You're supposed to be in there.
Stan: Mr. Garrison, we think that the planetarium guy is-
Kyle: Sshh!
Scene Description: Dr. Adams appears at the door.
Dr. Adams: Goodbye, children. Thanks for coming.
Clyde: [Insistently.] I wanna go again. I wanna go again!
Mr. Garrison: Oh, for Pete's sake, Clyde. You just went!
Dr. Adams: Well, Clyde, if you like the plane'arium so much, perhaps you'd like to do some volunteer work here.
Clyde: Yes. Yes, please!
Butters Stotch: Me too!
Annie Knitts: Me too! I wanna do it! I'd love to work here.
A girl: I'd like to tape the show!
Wendy: Yeah, me too! Me too!
Fosse: Yeah, me tohohoo. Plahanehetaharium's gahahay!
Scene Description: The rest of the class chimes in.
Dr. Adams: Mr. Garrison?
Mr. Garrison: Well, I guess I could give them extra credit for it.
Dr. Adams: Excellent! Why don't we step over here and I'll show all you children how to volunteer.
The Class: Hooray!
Scene Description: All the kids but Stan, Kyle, and Kenny follow Dr. Adams.
Stan: Dude, this isn't right.
Kyle: Why?
Stan: We're kids, dude. We don't volunteer for anything.
Kyle: Oh, yeah.
Stan: Come on, we've gotta see what's going on in there.
Scene Description: Stan, Kyle, and Kenny go back inside and enter the control booth.
Kyle: Here's the control panel that operates all the stars.
Stan: Kenny, you go out there and tell us what you see.
Scene Description: Kenny leaves the booth and goes and sits in a seat.
Kenny: (Okay. Got to have some huggin'.)
Stan: He hits this switch-
Scene Description: Stan moves the intensity dial to 1 and the power comes on. The lights go down.
Kenny: (I don't see anything.)
Kyle: You see? Nothing, dude. Just a bunch of stars.
Stan: Yeah, I guess so.
Scene Description: Stan moves the intensity to 4. The stars start to revolve.
Kenny: (Whoa, dude.)
Kyle: What does that do?
Stan: I don't know.
Scene Description: Stan moves intensity to 7.5, Kenny shakes audibly.
Kyle: Kenny! What's it doing?
Scene Description: Kenny can't answer. He just shakes more and more violently.
Stan: This says "maximum."
Scene Description: Stan moves Intensity to 10. Kenny shakes more violently, and finally explodes. Stan and Kyle look.
Stan: Oh my God, we've killed Kenny!
Kyle: We're bastards!
Scene Description: Stan turns off the power and races with Kyle to Kenny's remains.
Stan: Dude, I told you something was up with this place!
Scene Description: Rats start to work on the corpse.
Kyle: We've gotta go tell somebody, quick!
Scene Description: Back at the casting office, the finalists are showing their best.
Tommy Fritz: (clap clap clap) -G-O (clap clap -) -G-O and Bingo was his name-o Was a farmer'o had a dog and Bingo was his name-o (clap clap clap-clap) O (clap clap clap-clap clap) O (clap clap clap-clap clap) O and Bingo was his name-o Was a farmer'o had a dog and Bingo was his name-o (clap) ING (clap) ING (clap) and Bingo was his name-o
Scene Description: He finishes with a flourish and a bow.
Center judge: [Applauds.] Thank you... uh, Peter. We'll let you know very soon.
Scene Description: Peter leaves the room.
Center judge: Next will be uuh, Eric Theodore Cartman.
Scene Description: Liane enters with Cartman and a boom box.
Liane: Hello, everybody. [To Cartman.] Now, just do it like we rehearsed, hon.
Cartman: I know, I know!
Scene Description: Liane goes to a sofa and plays a tape while Cartman goes before the judges and clears his throat.
Cartman: She works hard for the money So hard for it, honey She works hard for the money, so you'd better treat her right.
Scene Description: He rips off his jacket and reveals a sky blue sequined vest and bowtie - and his belly button. The judges are surprised.
Cartman: She works hard for the money So hard for it, honey She works hard for the money, so you'd better treat her right.
Scene Description: He moonwalks, then faces the judges again. End of performance.
Center judge: [Long pause.] Well, Eric Cartman, that certainly was... insane.
Cartman: Thank you.
Center judge: We'll let you know.
Liane: Thank you.
Scene Description: She and Cartman reach the door. Cartman is covering his nose.
Liane: Don't pick your nose, hon.
Cartman: I'm not pickin' it ma! God damn it, I have an itch!
Scene Description: They leave and close the door behind them.
Center judge: Jesus, where do we find these people?!
Scene Description: South Park Elementary. In the nurse's office, Mr. Mackey is mind-melding with Van Gelder.
Mr. Mackey: Our minds are one. Mkay? Our thoughts are one. Mkay?
Nurse Gollum: This is the strangest thing I've ever seen!
Mr. Mackey: Please, nurse, for a woman with a dead fetus on your head, you're not being very open-minded.
Scene Description: He goes back to concentrating.
Mr. Mackey: Open your mind to your counselor. Open your mind.
Van Gelder: [Responding to the mind-meld.] Dr. Adams.
Mr. Mackey: Yes.
Nurse Gollum: He owns the planetarium. What about him?
Van Gelder & Mr. Mackey simultaneously: He uses the machine. The star machine.
Mr. Mackey: Mkay?
Van Gelder & Mr. Mackey simultaneously: He uses it to erase minds.
Nurse Gollum: But why?
Van Gelder & Mr. Mackey simultaneously: Planetarium, about to go out of business. Adams had to create slaves to survive.
Nurse Gollum: My God! This is amazing!
Mr. Mackey: Abuh. Please, nurse, you're throwin' off my chi! Mkay?
Scene Description: Casting Office. The results are in.
Center judge: Well, we'd certainly like to thank all our finalists. Only one of our finalists can win the grand prize and... unfortunately, that finalist is Eric Cartman.
Cartman: [Triumphantly.] Yes! I'm the best!
Center judge: You were actually our last choice. Uh the other children have unexpectedly taken jobs as volunteers at the planetarium.
Blonde judge: That's odd.
Cartman: [Joyfully.] Sweeet!
Scene Description: News 4 Special Report.
Tom: It appears that more and more South Park residents are discovering the wonder and joy of the planetarium. Here with a special report is a 34-year old Asian man who looks strikingly similar to Ricardo Montalban.
Asian reporter: Thanks, Tom. Yes, indeed, the planetarium has become very popular as word spreads that it really isn't as lame and stupid as one suspected. I'm here with the planetarium operator, Dr. Adams.
Dr. Adams: Thank you. I'd like to open an invitation to all South Park residents to come see a special free show this evening. I guarantee, it will change the way you think about the plane'ah-arium.
Asian reporter: So, bring the whole family to the plane-*tarium* for a night of excitement and wonder.
Scene Description: South Park Police Department. Stan and Kyle are inside talking to Officer Barbrady.
Stan: ...and then we turned the dial, and Kenny went into a kind of hypnosis.
Officer Barbrady: That's a pretty far-fetched story, boys.
Kyle: But it's true, dude!
Officer Barbrady: Are you boys sure you're not just making this all up?
Stan: Yeah, pretty sure.
Officer Barbrady: Well, just as soon as I handle all the other crime in South Park, I'm gonna go with you to the planetarium so I can prove that nothing's wrong.
Stan: What other crime in South Park?
Officer Barbrady: Oh, yeah. Let's go.
Scene Description: Time for Cartman's big debut.
Director: Okay. Let's shoot the commercial. Where's our Cheesy Poof talent?
Cartman: I'm over here.
Scene Description: Cartman is dressed as a Cheesy Poof.
Liane: Oohh, you look great, hon. Mommy's fat little piggy.
Cartman: Aay!
Scene Description: A stagehand escorts Cartman to the Cheesy Poof backdrop before the camera.
Cartman: Let's hurry. This costume is hot.
Director: Okay, roll camera, aaand action.
Cartman: I love Cheesy Poofs, you-
Liane: Oh wait, wait.
Scene Description: She runs in with a handkerchief.
Liane: You've got a little eye booger, hon.
Cartman: Oh, Mom, for Pete's sake!
Scene Description: She wipes it off.
Liane: Got it.
Scene Description: She moves off the stage.
Director: Aaand action.
Cartman: I love Cheesy Poofs-
Director: Hold it! Cut! Could we get some more light on that backdrop?
Stagehand: Sure thing.
Scene Description: He adjusts the lighting.
Cartman: Oh, man, c'mon!
Stagehand: Got it.
Director: Okay. Here we go, aaand action.
Cartman: I love Cheesy Poofs, you love Chee-
Director: Cut!
Cartman: What?!
Director: I'm not liking the shoes. Could we change the shoes?
Cartman: Oh, God damnit!
Scene Description: Officer Barbrady, Stan, and Kyle show up at the planetarium. Officer Barbrady knocks and the door opens.
Dr. Adams: Oh. Hello, officer of the law.
Officer Barbrady: Hello, Mr. Planetarium Operator.
Dr. Adams: What brings you out here?
Officer Barbrady: Well, these boys seem to think you're some kind of sick weirdo that's got a master plan to screw with the minds of everyone in town.
Scene Description: Officer Barbrady starts laughing.
Dr. Adams: Oh, really?
Scene Description: Dr. Adams leans forward menacingly. The boys huddle close to Barbrady.
Officer Barbrady: Yeah. I just thought I'd come show them around so they'd know there's nothing to be scared of.
Scene Description: Officer Barbrady advances, but Dr. Adams blocks the door.
Dr. Adams: Actually, this is a pretty inopportune time.
Officer Barbrady: Okay, I'll be quick, then.
Dr. Adams: Of course, officer. Come on in.
Scene Description: Officer Barbrady and the boys enter. What they see inside is something else. Kids, Bebe among them, are sweeping and cleaning the exhibits. Chef is helping out, too. All of them are wearing gray planetarium suits.
Chef: [In a low monotone.] Hello, children.
Stan: Oh, no! They got Chef, too!
Chef: Welcome to the planetarium.
Officer Barbrady: Well, it's nice to see you finally got a real job, Chef.
Chef: [Slowly, mechanically.] I love my work.
Officer Barbrady: Oh I know what you mean. I've always loved the planetarium, too.
Dr. Adams: Would you like to see the stars, officer?
Stan, Kyle: No!
Officer Barbrady: That would be super-duper!
Scene Description: He walks into the theater with Dr. Adams.
Kyle: Don't do it, Officer Barbrady!
Scene Description: Cartman's house. He's calling everyone he knows...
Elderly Woman: [On the phone.] Hello?
Cartman: Hi, Grandma. It's me, Eric.
Grandma: Oh, hello, Eric. Grandma sure has missed you.
Cartman: I just wanted to remind you that I'm gonna be on television tonight, so be sure to watch.
Grandma: Oh, I will, Eric. You know, I remember when I was a little girl and had my first talent show audition for-
Cartman: Okay, bye.
Scene Description: He dials the next number.
The Marshes' Answering Machine: Hello? The-uh Marshes aren't in right now. Please leave a message.
Cartman: Stan? I'm gonna be on TV tonight. Be sure to watch.
Scene Description: He dials another number.
The Broflovskis' Answering Machine: Hello, you've reached the Broflovskis. Please, leave a message.
Cartman: Where the hell is everybody?! I'm gonna be on TV tonight. You guys better not miss it!
Scene Description: Back at the planetarium...
Dr. Adams: And this is the constellation called Cassiopeia.
Officer Barbrady: Oh, neato!
Dr. Adams: [Turning intensity up to 8.5] And now, officer, from this moment on, you will think that you are Elvis Presley.
Officer Barbrady: Who?
Dr. Adams: To not be Elvis will cause you great pain.
Officer Barbrady: Pain.
Dr. Adams: You see, children? There's no stopping me. Even your highly intelligent policemen are no match for me.
Kyle: He's not highly intelligent.
Stan: Why are you doing this, dude?
Dr. Adams: Why? Because nowadays kids have computers, surround-sound television. They've forgotten all about plane'ariums. But I'll make them remember, starting with the two of you!
Scene Description: Cartman's house. He's watching the TV for his commercial.
Voice-over: Terrance and Phillip will be right back after these announcements.
Cartman: Oh, dude, here it comes!
Cheesy Poofs Commercial: Packed full of ingredients, Cheesy Poofs can really give you that quick pick-me-up. So remember, [A dancing Cheesy Poofs box appears.] I love Cheesy Poofs, you love Cheesy Poofs [The box opens and Cheesy Poof pour out.] If we didn't eat Cheesy Poofs, we'd be- [The Cheesy Poofs rain down on a pile of Cheesy Poof in which children swim.]
Cheesy Poof Cartman: Lame.
Voice-over: And now back to Terrance and Phillip.
Cartman: Yes! Yes, that was me! I was on television!
Scene Description: Mr. Mackey and Nurse Gollum burst through the planetarium doors. Mr. Mackey is pissed. Facing them are Dr. Adams, Officer Barbrady, Stan, Kyle, and the two stoner teens.
Mr. Mackey: Aha! Caught you red-handed! Mkay!
Stan: Mr. Mackey!
Mr. Mackey: Officer Barbrady, uh, this man is using some kind of mind control.
Officer Barbrady: [Doing a twisted Elvis Presley.] Wuzzariah? Ulduhooyah? Guh. Ahoohooyuh?
Nurse Gollum: What's wrong with him?
Officer Barbrady: Ah-yeah, babe, yeah, babe uhyeah hwah yeah hwah wayah ahowowowowayah.
Mr. Mackey: Oh no, apparently, he thinks he's Charlton Heston.
Dr. Adams: No, you idiot! He thinks he's Elvis. [To Barbrady.] Elvis, escort our guests to the plane'arium.
Officer Barbrady: [Snapping into a sharp Elvis.] Holdjit
Scene Description: He pulls out his gun and shoves it into Mackey's nose.
Officer Barbrady: If you wouldn't mind, uugh. Could you please follow me?
Mr. Mackey: Uh oh.
Officer Barbrady: [Voice skipping up the scales.] Odle-oh who whoo?
Scene Description: The planetarium, that night. Nurse Gollum, Mr. Mackey, Stan, and Kyle are strapped into their seats in the theater.
Dr Adams: Well, let's begin, shall we?
Scene Description: He starts up the laser show controls.
Dr. Adams: And now you'll remember nothing, except that the planet'arium is the best thing you've ever known!
Scene Description: Cartman enters, oblivious to the star machine.
Cartman: Well, well well! You guys can now kiss my ass, because I was on television!
Scene Description: The other four are entranced now.
Cartman: Ey! Didn't you guys see it?! I was on television!
Scene Description: He sees that the others aren't responding.
Cartman: You missed it! You missed it because of this stupid planetarium!
Scene Description: He walks up to the star machine and kicks it. It falls down and breaks into pieces.
Cartman: Planetariums suck ass!
Scene Description: The star machine's beams come at Dr. Adams at full force and go right into his eyes.
Dr. Adams: Aaah. Aaah. Aaah.
Kyle: [Coming out of the trance.] Cartman! You saved us!
Scene Description: The others come out of it too.
Cartman: What the hell are you talking about?
Stan: Get over here and untie us!
Scene Description: Cartman rushes over and starts untying them, Mr. Mackey first.
Mr. Mackey: Eric, you really saved the day. Mkay?
Officer Barbrady: [Rushing in.] Not so fast there, tubby. Uh I'm just takin' care of business.
Scene Description: Cartman stops.
Mr. Mackey: Think hard, Elvis. You're not really the king of rock and roll. You're a fat, stupid, worthless policeman in a small town. Mkay?
Officer Barbrady: [Snapping out of it.] Oh, thank you from a fate worse than death, counselor.
Scene Description: Stan notices the destruction of the star machine, and the fate of Dr. Adams.
Stan: Oh my God! Dr. Adams!
Scene Description: Everyone rushes to the control room window to see what's happened. Dr. Adams is seated inside against a wall, slumped on his right side.
Kyle: He got a full dose of the stars.
Stan: Yeah. With nobody around to say anything.
Kyle: Can you imagine it, Stan. A mind, emptied by that... thing.
Cartman: Wow. What a day this has been. I was on TV, and, I'm a hero.
Scene Description: Cartman scratches his nose.
Liane: [Looking in.] Don't pick your nose, hon.
Cartman: God damnit, Mom, I wasn't pickin' it! I have an itch!
Scene Description: End of Roger Ebert Should Lay Off The Fatty Foods. The Cheesy Poofs anthem plays.


Scene Description: Episode starts in the playground. Bill plays catch with a blue-hatted boy in a red shirt, a brown-haired girl, Annie, and Token are on swings, and Pip and Red are on the hobby elephants. Stan is hiding behind a tree, using his gloved hand as a gun.
Stan: Sgt. Stanley Marsh is trapped behind enemy lines. His only chance of survival is to sneak past the Bosnian guard who stands watch.
Scene Description: Cartman is patrolling the invisible boundary.
Stan: Sgt. Marsh knows it's now or never. He must make a run for it.
Scene Description: Stan waits for Cartman, who is wielding a stick, shaped vaguely like a pistol, to pass, then rushes past him.
Stan: American base is only a few feet away.
Scene Description: Cartman turns and notices Stan.
Cartman: What is this? Halt!
Scene Description: They "fire" away at each other. From behind a nearby bush Kyle and Kenny pop up and "fire" at Cartman.
Cartman: It will take more than your weak American weapons to destroy me!
Stan: Cartman, we shot your Bosnian fat ass!
Kyle: Yeah! You're dead!
Cartman: I have Class 4 armor on, that, uh, ih-ih-
Stan: No, you don't!
Cartman: -special armor, that's impenetrable to American bullets.
Kyle: Dude! Every time we play Americans vs. Bosnians, you cheat!
Stan: Yeah, Cartman, you suck! If you want to play Americans vs. Bosnians any more, you can just play with yourself!
Scene Description: Stan and Kyle leave.
Cartman: That's fine! I'd like playing with myself! I'll play with myself all day long!
Scene Description: Kenny laughs and Cartman looks at him.
Cartman: What?
Scene Description: Stan and Kyle have walked off away from Cartman and Kenny.
Kyle: Well? Now what are we going to do?
Stan: Huh-I dunno.
Scene Description: Wendy walks up, with Bebe closely following behind her.
Wendy: Hi, Stan.
Stan: Hi, Wendy.
Wendy: Kyle, doesn't Bebe look pretty today?
Scene Description: Bebe comes out from behind Wendy, looking hopeful.
Kyle: I dunno.
Wendy: She does. She looks very pretty.
Kyle: Okay.
Wendy: Stan, can I talk to you for a second?
Scene Description: Wendy takes his hand and pulls him aside. Bebe and Kyle are left to look at each other. Bebe smiles at Kyle, and he looks around and put his hands behind him. The two remain silent. She's still smiling. Wendy and Stan walk out of earshot from them.
Wendy: Stan, wouldn't it be fun if we fixed Kyle up with Bebe?
Stan: No.
Wendy: If Bebe and Kyle were a couple, then we can invite them over to your clubhouse for dinner and play parlor games and have meaningful conversations and sip cognac by the fireplace.
Stan: We could?
Wendy: Yeah, Stan.
Stan: But dude, I don't have a clubhouse.
Wendy: You don't?? I thought all guys had clubhouses.
Stan: Just how many guys' clubhouses have you been in?
Scene Description: Back near the tree, Cartman is sitting on Kenny who is struggling to escape.
Cartman: Herr Kommandant Cartman has ways of making you talk!
Scene Description: Kenny is too weak to escape and Cartman farts on him.
Kenny: (Heellp!!)
Wendy: Stan, you have to build a clubhouse! Then all four of us can sit in it and play Truth or Dare!
Stan: [Intrigued.] Truth or Dare? Wow.
Scene Description: Stan walks back over to Kyle.
Stan: Come on, Kyle. We've got work to do.
Kyle: We do?
Stan: We're gonna build a clubhouse. I have to ask my dad for help.
Scene Description: They walk off. Bebe's eyes follow them out, and Wendy rejoins her.
Bebe: [To Wendy.] Did it work?
Wendy: I think it did, Bebe. If all goes as planned, Kyle will be your new boyfriend.
Bebe: I hope so Wendy. He's got such a hot ass.
Scene Description: The Marsh house. Randy turns on the TV and ends up on Terrance and Phillip, who are in a church.
Terrance: Hey, Phillip, pull my finger.
Phillip: All right, Terrance.
Scene Description: Phillip pulls Terrance's finger.
Terrance: Hurgh. Oh, wait wait wait. Pull harder.
Phillip: Well, all right.
Scene Description: Phillip tugs harder.
Terrance: Hurgh, urgh.
Scene Description: Randy laughs.
Terrance: Damnit! Pull really hard, Phillip!
Phillip: Okay.
Terrance: Hurgh-rrh. Waiwait, wait wait. Hrhrhrhrh. Aha! Hr-rhrh. Oh my! Yeee-aaa!
Scene Description: Terrance takes a deep breath to try to push out a fart.
Terrance: Hurh. Uhwaiwait. Ye-aauraah-
Scene Description: A weak, high pitched fart finally escapes, and the two laugh.
Terrance: Caught you there!
Randy: Uh oh!
Scene Description: Randy laughs, as Stan and Kyle approach.
Phillip: God. Oh, you got me, Terrance!
Terrance: Yes, I sure did!
Scene Description: Randy laughs some more.
Kyle: Whoa, dude. Your dad is watching Terrance and Phillip.
Randy: No, I was just uh flipping through the channels.
Scene Description: He starts changing the channels.
Stan: Hey, Dad, we need to build a clubhouse.
Randy: Okay.
Stan: How do we do it?
Randy: Uh, you just get a hammer and some wood. What? Uh some girls wanna play Truth or Dare or something?
Stan: Yeah, dude! How'd you know?
Scene Description: Stan and Kyle are stunned.
Randy: How do you think I met your mother?
Sharon: [Walks in.] Randy, my wedding ring! I lost it down the garbage disposal!
Randy: Oh, brother.
Scene Description: Terrance and Phillip are heard laughing, and Sharon looks at the TV. Phillip, right leg high, farts on Terrance, and they both continue laughing.
Sharon: Stanley, I thought I told you not to watch this horrible cartoon!
Randy: Yeah, Stanley, you should know better.
Stan: Dude!
Scene Description: Sharon takes the remote from Randy and presses a few buttons.
Sharon: Here, Stanley, You watch nice cartoons like Fat Abbot.
Sharon: Randy, will you please come get my wedding ring out of the sink?
Randy: [Resisting.] Okay, okay.
Scene Description: Randy follows her off into the kitchen as the boys watch Fat Abbot.
Fat Abbot: Hey hey hey. What's goin' on, Rudy?
Rudy: Man, Fat Abbot, you need to lose weight.
Fat Abbot: I'll lose weight when I feel like it, bitch! Shut yo bitchass mouth, ho!
Rudy: Bitch, I'll kick yo ass!
Kyle: Whoa, dude!
Stan: Sweet!
Fat Abbot: You think you're slick, you punkass blasphemous dope-fiend bitch! I had my jimmy whacked seven times last week! I'll bust a cap in yo n***a ass, shithole!
Kyle: Wow, cartoons are getting really dirty!
Scene Description: Over in the kitchen, Randy is under the sink.
Sharon: Did you find it?
Randy: Give me a second, would you?
Sharon: Don't snap at me!
Randy: I didn't snap at you.
Sharon: You snapped at me!
Randy: Whatever.
Sharon: What ever?! In fifteen years you've never said, "whatever," to me!
Randy: I-I don't wanna fight, I'm sorry.
Sharon: I'm sorry, too.
Randy: Uh I think I found it.
Scene Description: He comes out from under the sink with an alarm clock.
Sharon: That's not it, you idiot!
Randy: Hey, back off, bitch!
Sharon: [Gasps.] You just said the C-word!
Randy: Did I?
Scene Description: Stan and Kyle are outside working on their clubhouse. The steps, supports, and floor are in place, and they start work on the railing.
Stan: This is a sweet spot for a clubhouse.
Kyle: Yeah. Hey Stan, what did your dad mean when he said we're gonna play Truth or Dare?
Stan: Oh uh, just that, mmmaybe when we're finished, Wendy and- uh... Bebe can come over and play.
Kyle: Dude, what kind of sick joke is that? Girls suck ass.
Stan: Well-uhuh, of course they do, but uh, wouldn't it be sweet to- to play Truth or Dare with them?
Kyle: What? Why?
Stan: Because, dude. We could make them do really gross stuff, like eat bugs.
Kyle: Hey yeah! That'd be sweet! We could totally ruin their lives!
Scene Description: Cartman and Kenny stop by.
Cartman: What are you guys doing?
Stan: We're building a clubhouse.
Cartman: [Laughs heartily.] A clubhouse? Heheh, that's the lamest thing I've ever heard!
Kyle: It's not lame, it's sweet! After we build this clubhouse, we're gonna get girls to play Truth or Dare!
Cartman: [Thinks it over.] Wwwhy??
Kyle: Because, dumbass, we can dare them to do gross stuff and make them cry! What? Were you born yesterday?
Stan: Yeah, now beat it you guys. This clubhouse is private!
Cartman: That's fine. We'll build our own clubhouse!
Kyle: Fine!
Cartman: Fine! And then we'll get girls to play Truth or Dare, too!
Stan: Fine!
Cartman: Fine!
Kyle: Fine!
Kenny: (Fine!)
Kyle: Fine!
Cartman: Fine! That's fine.
Scene Description: Cartman turns and walks away with Kenny.
Stan: Fine!
Cartman: Fine!
Scene Description: Cartman's house. Cartman and Kenny are looking over the clubhouse kit Cartman has apparently ordered: The Ewok Village 2000 Deluxe Club House Kit w/Elevator. It has a two-story design. Cartman is wearing a yellow hard hat, and Kenny is trying to get a better look at the blueprints.
Cartman: No, Kenny, you can't look, I'm the foreman!
Kenny: (Well, why the fuck do I have to do everything while you stand around in the snow lookin-)
Scene Description: Kenny inches the blueprints closer to himself.
Cartman: Because, Kenny, your family's poor. You have to be the worker.
Kenny: [Still trying.] (Uh-)
Cartman: No, Kenny.
Liane: [Stopping by.] How's the treehouse coming along, hon?
Cartman: Mom, it's not a treehouse, it's a clubhouse!
Liane: Sorry, hon.
Cartman: Mom? Can we pull up the carpeting in the living room?
Liane: Well, I don't know, Eric. If you did that, then the floors would be bare.
Cartman: [Sliding into a whine.] But Mmmom, the blueprint says we need carpeting in the clubhouse!
Liane: Well, all right.
Cartman: Kenny, my mom says you can go get carpeting in the living room now.
Kenny: (You suck ass and you suck dick!)
Scene Description: Kenny walks off to get the carpeting.
Cartman: And stop your bitchin'!
Scene Description: Stan's House, Stan enters the kitchen and reaches for a jar as his mom washes dishes. She's upset.
Sharon: What are you doing, sweetheart?
Stan: Getting a cookie. We're building a clubhouse and then we're-
Sharon: You men are all alike. First you get a cookie and then you criticize the way I dress and then it's the way I cook! I suppose next you'll be telling me that you need your space and that I'm sabotaging your creativity. Go ahead, Stanley, get your God-damned cookie!
Scene Description: She walks off in a huff.
Stan: 'Kay.
Scene Description: South Park Elementary. Class is now in session. Mr. Twig is still there.
Mr. Garrison: And so, children, today we're gonna focus on American history, right Mr. Twig?
Mr. Twig: Uh- that's right, Mr. Garrison. American history is very important-
Kyle: When is Mr. Hat coming back?
Mr. Garrison: What did you say?!
Kyle: When is Mr. Hat coming back?
Mr. Garrison: I told you to never mention that name in my classroom again! Mr. Hat is a two-timin' whore, and now we all learn from Mr. Twig!
Stan: But Mr. Twig sucks.
Class: Yeah.
Mr. Garrison: That is enough! Mr. Hat is gone, and he isn't coming back, and I don't wanna hear it! Anyway, children, lets turn our history textbooks to page 105, which should be right after page 104...
Cartman: So, how's your lame-ass clubhouse, Stan?
Stan: Better than yours, fat boy.
Cartman: We'll see about that. [To Kenny.] Don't forget you need to cut school early and wait for the hot tub, Kenny.
Kenny: [Gruffly.] (Yes, sir..!)
Wendy: Is the clubhouse ready?
Stan: Almost.
Mr. Garrison: Stan? Are you paying attention?
Stan: Yes, Mr. Garrison.
Mr. Garrison: Well, then, Stanley. What did I just say?
Stan: Um. You said that even though- Charo appeared twelve times on the Love Boat, the episode with Captain and Tennille got higher ratings.
Mr. Garrison: ...Well, okay. I suppose you were paying attention.
Scene Description: Mr. Garrison turns to write on the blackboard.
Mr. Garrison: Anyway, children, the Love Boat did go on for about eight years. They tried to bring it back recently, but it didn't work. Probably 'cause Robert Urich had to weigh...
Scene Description: While he's explaining the mediocrity of The Love Boat: The Next Wave, the following takes place.
Kyle: Good guess, dude!
Stan: Phew.
Scene Description: Bebe writes a note and then hands it to Butters.
Bebe: Pssst! Pass this up.
Scene Description: Butters hands along the note to Kevin.
Butters: Pass this up.
Scene Description: Kevin hands along the note to Fosse.
Kevin: Pass this up.
Scene Description: Fosse hands along the note to Stan.
Fosse: P-huh pass this h-up.
Scene Description: Stan gets the note and reads it.
Mr. Garrison: Stanley, are you passing notes to Kyle?!
Stan: No, I just-
Mr. Garrison: Don't lie, Stan. Lying makes you sterile.
Stan: I'm not lying. Someone just handed me the-
Mr. Garrison: Stanley, if you think it's so important to keep interrupting my class, then why don't you come up to the front and read your note to Kyle for everyone to hear!
Stan: But I didn't write the note!
Cartman: Mr. Garrison, Stan's behavior is having an adverse effect on my education.
Stan: Shut up, Cartman!
Mr. Garrison: Stanley Marsh, you come up here right now and read your note!
Stan: Oh, man.
Scene Description: Bebe is worried, as Stan goes up to the front of the class to read the note.
Stan: Dear Kyle. You have got such a great ass. I could sleep for days on those perked cheeks, let me tell you.  I'd like to live with you and wear your ass as a hat for all eternity.
Scene Description: The entire class stares at Stan in shock.
Stan: Whoa, dude!
Scene Description: Mr. Mackey's office. Stan and Mr. Mackey are talking.
Mr. Mackey: Now, young man, uh- school is a time for learning, m'kay? Not for immature skylarkings.
Stan: What's 'skylarkings'?
Mr. Mackey: You know, like tomfooleries.
Stan: Who?
Scene Description: Someone knocks on Mr. Mackey's door.
Mr. Mackey: Oh, your parents are here.
Stan: Oh, no.
Scene Description: They enter and stand behind Stan.
Mr. Mackey: Thank you for coming on such short notice. I was just disciplining your son for his skylarkings.
Randy: Stanley, I... Skylarkings?
Mr. Mackey: Yeahm'kay?
Randy: Stanley, I want you to explain to me why you were passing notes in school.
Sharon: Randy, let me handle this. Now Stanley, I want you to explain to me why you were passing notes in school.
Stan: It wasn't my note, dude. It was some girl's.
Mr. Mackey: Okay. Stanley, we're all here to get to the root of your behavior disorder.
Sharon: You really should know better, Stanley.
Randy: You need to shape up, mister.
Sharon: [To Randy.] Don't interrupt me! You always interrupt me when I talk! Can't you see that I-?
Randy: [A bit testily.] I don't interrupt you.
Sharon: There, you did it again! [To Mr. Mackey.] He interrupted me again.
Mr. Mackey: Okay, uh- Perhaps you should let your wife finish talking, Mr. Marsh. Now, Stan, I want to you to be-
Randy: Okay, I'm sorry I interrupt. But she always takes over any conversation!
Mr. Mackey: Uh. U-uh, taking over any conversation's bad.
Sharon: [To Randy.] Like you're one to talk! When's the last time you really listened to what I had to say?!
Mr. Mackey: [Slowly.] Uuuhh. Mmm mkay.
Randy: When was the last time you had anything interesting to say? It's always gossip and stupid crap!
Mr. Mackey: Okay uh uh uh-apparently we have a bit of a communication problem here. Uh, Mr. Marsh, tell me how you're feeling.
Randy: Well- uh, I feel like everything I do is wrong, it doesn't matter what I say.
Mr. Mackey: Mkay. That's valid. Now, uh, Mrs. Marsh-
Stan: Excuse me.
Mr. Mackey: -how do you feel?
Sharon: Like I'm a ghost. Like he sees right through me.
Randy: Oh, please!
Stan: Hello?
Sharon: Oh, please yourself!
Mr. Mackey: Who tries to control the marriage? And by that I mean, who's dominating the aspects of the relationship?
Sharon: He is.
Scene Description: At this point everyone has completely forgotten about Stan, who gets off the chair.
Randy: No, she is.
Scene Description: Stan walks to the door and opens it.
Sharon: Oh, I'm sorry! I guess I'm wrong again!
Scene Description: Stan is gone.
Mr. Mackey: Mmkay.
Scene Description: Cartman's house. Foreman Cartman is back at the blueprint.
Cartman: Look at it, Kenny. It is the greatest clubhouse ever built.
Scene Description: A shot of their "clubhouse". It looks shoddy and horrible.
Cartman: Oh, man!
Kenny: (Uh huh)
Cartman: And we built it, with our own hands. Now all we need is chicks, Kenny.
Kenny: (Yeah!)
Cartman: All right. You go find chicks, Kenny.
Kenny: (Well, why do I have to be the one to go and find chicks?)
Cartman: Because I have to stay here and work! I still have to shingle the roof, test the foundation, run all kinds of inspections. I've got way too much to do, and all you have to do is to go find chicks! Now, stop your bitchin'!
Scene Description: Kenny walks off and Cartman watches him leave. As soon as he's gone, Cartman throws off his hat and runs into the house.
Cartman: Mom, can I watch American Gladiators?
Scene Description: Stan's Backyard, Kyle is on the clubhouse floor, waiting as Stan climbs up the steps. A tire swing hangs from the foundation.
Kyle: Dude! Where have you been? I've been waiting all afternoon.
Stan: I got in trouble for that note Bebe was trying to pass to you.
Kyle: To me??
Stan: I mean, no. Not to you. Forget it. Come on, dude. We have to finish our clubhouse quick. The girls wanna play Truth or Dare tomorrow!
Scene Description: They start hammering a board onto the floor, but...
Kyle: We should use nails, dude.
Stan: My mom won't let us.
Scene Description: Wendy and Bebe arrive in backyard.
Wendy: Hi, guys. How's the clubhouse coming?
Stan: Pretty good. We're almost done.
Wendy: Well, hurry! We wanna play Truth or Dare!
Stan: We're going as fast as we can!
Bebe: Kyle, could you turn around for a second?
Scene Description: Kyle and Stan look at each other. Kyle turns around, then looks back with Stan at the girls.
Bebe: Thank you.
Scene Description: The girls walk away, and the boys resume hammering.
Stan: Come on, dude, we have to hammer faster.
Kyle: Hey, Stan. Do you know how to play Truth or Dare?
Stan: No.
Kyle: Well dude, how the hell are we supposed to play it, then?
Stan: I didn't even think about that.
Scene Description: Later, at Chef's house. Candles line his dining room wall, and he and Stan are sitting at his table.
Chef: And then, they'll ask, "Truth or Dare?'
Stan: And I say, "Dare!"
Chef: No no! You say, "Truth."
Stan: "Truth?" But that's boring! I want to get "Dare" to kiss her.
Chef: You have to say "Truth" the first few times. Or else, you seem too eager.
Stan: Oooh.
Chef: You can't seem too eager. You've got to play it cool, like you don't even care what happens.
Stan: Yeah.
Chef: Then, after a few "Truth"s, you finally answer, "Dare."
Stan: "Dare!"
Chef: But not like that, son. Like this: "Daaare".
Scene Description: Chef speaks in a low, senusal voice, as he moves his hand through the air in unison, for effect.
Stan: Oooh.
Chef: And then her little friend will dare you to kiss Wendy.
Stan: You really think so?
Chef: Of course she will. They're women. They've had this whole thing planned out months ahead of time.
Stan: Wow!
Scene Description: Meanwhile, over at Cartman's house. Cartman is watching TV, munching Cheesy Poofs.
Fat Abbot: Heeyy hey hey. What's goin' down, y'all?
Rudy: Man, Fat Abbot. What are you doin' on this side of the 'hood?
Fat Abbot: You know somethin', Rudy? You're like school in summertime.
Rudy: School in summertime?
Fat Abbot: Yeah, bitch, school in summertime!
Scene Description: Fat Abbot grabs Rudy by the collar and lifts him up high.
Fat Abbot: Open yo' fuckin' ears and shit, ho, or I'll pop your bitch ass.
Donald: I'llba poppa yourba bitcha assa tooba, bitcha.
Cartman: What the hell is goin' on in this cartoon?
Scene Description: Cartman's doorbell rings, and he gets up to answer.
Cartman: Oh. Hey, Kenny, did you find any chicks to come to the clubhouse?
Kenny: [Proudly, with thumbs up.] (Uh-huh)
Scene Description: Kenny has found two teenage girls.
Runaway girl 1: Hi. We ran away from home.
Runaway girl 2: Well like, this kid told us we might be able to crash at your clubhouse for a couple of days.
Cartman: [Amazed.] Holy crap!
Scene Description: He leads the three of them to the backyard.
Cartman: Behold! The Ewok Village 2000!
Runaway girl 1: Oh well, I guess it beats living at home.
Cartman: [Enunciating properly.] Can I offer you ladies a cool beverage or a tasty snack? [Rubs his stomach.]
Scene Description: Meanwhile, over at Stan's house, Stan's phone starts ringing.
Stan: Hello?
Cartman: How's the clubhouse coming, Stan?
Stan: We're working on it.
Cartman: Well, I just thought I'd tell you that me and Kenny have finished our clubhouse, and we already have chicks over.
Stan: No, you don't!
Scene Description: Female giggles are heard through the phone, and Stan pulls the receiver from his ear.
Stan: Dude!
Cartman: It's only a matter of time before we're playin' Truth or Dare with them. Good luck with your piece of crap clubhouse, stupid asshole.
Stan: Aw, that hunk of fat- [Sharon walks in.] Mom, will you please ask Dad to come help me build my clubhouse?
Sharon: Stanley, I think you should know that your father has moved out.
Stan: What?! Why?
Sharon: Because, we're divorced, Stanley.
Stan: Divorced? On no. Does that mean you and Dad don't love me anymore? This is all my fault, isn't it?
Sharon: Yeah, kind of.
Stan: ...Dude, you're not supposed to say that!
Sharon: But I would like you to meet your new stepfather, Roy.
Roy: Hello, son.
Stan: What?!
Sharon: I'll leave you two alone to get acquainted.
Scene Description: Sharon leaves.
Roy: Hello, Stanley. I know this must be a very difficult period for you right now, and the adjustment is going to take some time. But I'd like to be your friend. So when you're ready, I want you to feel free to come to me with anything you might need, whether it's advice, or- just someone to play catch with. You can count on me.
Stan: This is happening way too fast.
Roy: Oh, Jesus! When are you gonna cut me some slack, huh?! I have taken you under my wing and done my best, and all you ever do is whine and moan about it! Now, for the last time, go cut some firewood!
Scene Description: Roy walks off. Stan stares after him blankly. Meanwhile, back at Cartman's house.
Runaway girl 1: So, I'm on my way out the door, and she goes, "Make sure you're home before midnight!"
Cartman: Ahaw, that's weak.
Runaway girl 1: And I go, "Listen, bitch! I don't need my mother giving me no curfew!"
Cartman: That's killer.
Runaway girl 1: And she goes, "Yeah, well, if you're not home before midnight, don't bother coming home at all!"
Cartman: That's totally weak!
Runaway girl 1: So I go, "Fine! I won't come home!"
Cartman: Sweet.
Runaway girl 1: And then she goes, "Fine! Don't come home!", getting all up in my face and crap and acting all tough and crap.
Cartman: Killer weak, sweet!
Runaway girl 1: I'm sixteen. I should be able to do what I want when I want.
Scene Description: Cartman listens intently.
Runaway girl 1: I don't need her breathing down my neck every two seconds telling me what I can and cannot do!
Cartman: I had the same thing with my mom the other day. I'm all like, "Ey! I am not a little kid anymore! Ma, I'm eight years old! And if I wanna fingerpaint, then I'm gonna fingerpaint!"
Scene Description: The girls just look at him. Back at Stan's house, Stan and Kyle are putting the finishing touches on their clubhouse.
Stan: Okay. We're done.
Kyle: [Wiggling the railing.] Dude, I don't think this is very sturdy.
Scene Description: A piece of it comes off in his hand and falls to the ground, where it breaks.
Stan: It doesn't matter, dude. It only has to last long enough to play Truth or Dare. I'm gonna go get the girls.
Scene Description: Stan climbs down.
Kyle: Okay.
Scene Description: Stan is humming as he is going away, but his is stopped by a pair of legs, he looks up.
Stan: G'oh?
Sharon: Stanley, it's time to go!
Stan: Go where?
Sharon: Your bastard father has visitation rights, and this is his time with you.
Stan: But no! I have to get the girls to come-
Sharon: Come on, Stanley!
Scene Description: She takes him away by the hand.
Stan: Weak!
Scene Description: A car is heard pulling up. It's Randy, in a red Corvette.
Stan: Dad?
Randy: Hey, Stanley, uh, hop in.
Scene Description: Stan gets in, and they peel off.
Randy: Listen, Stanley, I- I know all this change must be tough on you, but you know, your-your mother and I thought it'd be best for all of us if we'd split up.
Stan: But I don't understand why we have to-
Scene Description: Randy pulls up and stops next to a pink Jeep.
Randy: Well, hello, ladies.
Runaway girl 1 Passenger: Hi, handsome. We're gonna be at Larry's Bar tonight.
Randy: [Suavely.] I'm already there.
Scene Description: She winks at him and the ladies peel off. Randy turns to Stan.
Randy: What were we talking about? Oh yeah. See, your mother and I still care about you and your sister. But we just don't like being around each other any more.
Stan: Well, I don't like being around my sister anymore; does that mean I can leave her, too?
Randy: Well, no, because you're a family. You just can't leave family; you have to stick with family, no matter what.
Stan: But you and Mom are family; how come you can just split up?
Scene Description: Randy is stumped.
Stan: You know what I think? I think that when you and Mom got married, you became family. And now that you are, you shouldn't be able to leave her anymore than I can leave my sister.
Randy: Hoho, Stan, you're so young. You just don't get it.
Scene Description: Randy pulls back up at Stan's house.
Randy: Well, anyway, have a nice day.
Stan: What? That's it?
Randy: Yeah. But I loved our time together. I hate to see it end. Go on, get out.
Scene Description: Stan gets out of the car.
Randy: You know that nothing is more important to me than you, right, Stan?
Stan: I guess, but-
Scene Description: Before Stan can finish, Randy drives off, Stan just watches, speechless. Moments later, he is inside his clubhouse with Kyle, they are looking out the window in anticipation of Wendy and Bebe coming over.
Stan: Okay, dude, the girls are gonna be here to play Truth or Dare any minute.
Kyle: Stan, if I didn't know you better, I would almost think you're doing this because you wanna play with girls.
Stan: No way, dude! Don't be silly.
Bebe: [Off screen.] Come on, Wendy.
Stan: We have to say "Truth" a couple of times before we say "Dare," right?
Kyle: Right. Why?
Stan: Because if we don't, we'll seem too eager.
Kyle: Too eager to what?
Stan: To say "Dare," dumbass! Jeez.
Wendy: [Entering the clubhouse.] Hi, guys.
Scene Description: The boys are startled, but turn around.
Stan: Oh, hi Wendy. What's up?
Bebe: Don't you guys still wanna play "Truth or Dare"?
Stan: Yeah! I mean, sure, whatever.
Bebe: Then come on!
Scene Description: They all sit, Wendy across from Stan, Bebe across from Kyle.
Stan: [To Kyle, softly.] Remember, "Truth" the first couple of times.
Kyle: Okay.
Bebe: Who wants to go first?
Wendy: I will. Kyle?
Kyle: Yeah?
Wendy: Truth or Dare?
Kyle: Umm. Dare?
Scene Description: Stan looks at him angrily, then punches him on the arm.
Stan: Dude!
Kyle: What?
Wendy: [Whispers.] How about we give him Bebe?
Bebe: [Whispers.] Okay.
Wendy: [Whispers.] Okay.
Bebe: [Whispers.] Okay.
Wendy: Kiss Bebe on the lips!
Kyle: What?!! Sick, dude, I'm not kissing a girl!
Wendy: What's the matter, Kyle?
Kyle: It's just wrong, that's all.
Stan: Don't be a chicken, dude. Just close your eyes.
Kyle: What the hell have you gotten me into?!
Stan: Dude, Cartman is in his clubhouse playing Truth or Dare with girls right now. You really want him to beat us?
Scene Description: Kyle thinks for a moment then looks at Bebe.
Kyle: Hoh boy.
Scene Description: Kyle puckers up, Bebe comes and gives him a peck on the lips.
Kyle: Sick!
Scene Description: He gets up and rushes to the entrance.
Kyle: Aggghhh! Fucking sickening!
Scene Description: Kyle shimmies on down.
Bebe: [Staring at him as he leaves.] Wow, look at that ass! Shake it, baby!
Wendy: Your turn, Bebe.
Bebe: [Seated back by Wendy.] Okay, Stan. Truth or Dare?
Scene Description: Stan takes a moment to look at Wendy, then at her lips.
Bebe: Stan, Truth or Dare?
Stan: [Sensually.] Dare.
Scene Description: Before Bebe can respond and bring Stan to Wendy's sweet lips, Roy pops in, ruining everything.
Roy: Son, could you please help me with the firewood?
Stan: ...Dude, we cut firewood all day yesterday! We have enough to last twelve years!
Roy: When will you let me in? Let me love you?! Now, get your ass out here and help me.
Wendy: Bye, Stan. Hopefully we can play Truth or Dare tomorrow.
Stan: Crap!
Scene Description: Over at Cartman's clubhouse.
Runaway girl 1: I think you should be able to move out legally when you're fourteen.
Runaway girl 2: [Pulls out a cigarette.] Our moms won't even let us smoke.
Runaway girl 1: Yeah, it's my body. My mom always gives me shit for smoking, but it's my body. I should be able to do whatever I want with it.
Cartman: Totally. Uuuuuh my mom gives me shit sometimes, and I tell her to shut her hole before I kick her in the nuts!
Scene Description: Just then, Liane calls up to him and he freezes.
Liane: Eric, snookums! it's time for Mommy to tuck you into your snuggleboat for night-night.
Scene Description: He's clearly alarmed now.
Liane: Eric, are you out there in your clubhouse?
Cartman: [Voice shaking.] Coming, Mom. [To the girls.] Okay, we have to play Truth or Dare, quick!
Guy in leather jacket: Hey, girls.
Guy with long hair: What's up.
Runaway girl 1: Oh hey, Scott.
Cartman: Who the hell are you?!
Runaway girl 2: Uh- we invited some people over. Hope you don't mind.
Cartman: How many people?
Scene Description: The bus stop, next day. Kyle is alone, and Bebe walks up.
Bebe: Kyle, can I talk to you?
Kyle: Okay.
Bebe: Kyle, this is very difficult for me. I think we need time apart.
Kyle: Huh?
Bebe: I'm just feeling really trapped. I can't go on with this codependency.
Kyle: Okay, that's fine.
Scene Description: Bebe covers Kyle's mouth with her mitten.
Bebe: No, no. Don't speak. Just try and understand. It has to be this way.
Kyle: [Muffled.] But I don't care.
Bebe: Please. Just remember the good times we had. I'll never forget you. Never.
Scene Description: She walks over to love interest.
Bebe: Okay, Clyde, we can go now.
Clyde: Bitchin'.
Scene Description: Clyde walks off after her. Back at Stan's house, Roy is watching a home decorating show. Stan comes in.
Host: These are café curtains that require no sewing, and I know you all love that!
Scene Description: A smattering of applause. Not many audience members.
Stan: Do you mind if I watch cartoons? I've had a rough day.
Roy: Nnuuhunuuhh.
Stan: What?
Roy: Chores. Do chores.
Stan: My dad lets me watch cartoons.
Roy: Well I'm not your dad. Okay? I'm not your dad! You- you can't just go around playing games with my emotions.
Scene Description: Roy starts weeping and walks away as Sharon approaches.
Sharon: [Arms on her hips.] Stanley, what did you do to Roy?
Stan: Roy's a dick! He ruined my chances with Wendy in the clubhouse!
Sharon: [Sighs.] Stanley, you know you're the most important thing to me, right?
Stan: If that's true, then get back together with Dad for me!
Sharon: Now Stanley, you have to understand how divorce works. When I say, "you're the most important thing to me," what I mean is, you're the most important thing after me and my happiness and my new romances.
Stan: Oh.
Sharon: Bye now. Roy!
Scene Description: Sharon goes after him.
Stan: Divorce is stupid.
Scene Description: Stan clicks on the TV, and "Fat Abbot" comes on.
Fat Abbot: Heeyy heeyy heeyy! Hey Yolanda. Why is your eye all black and blue and shit?
Yolanda: Maaan, Fat Abbot. My stepdad popped me in my eye.
Fat Abbot: Stepdad? You gotta off his ass!
Yolanda: Really?
Fat Abbot: Yeah, bitch! Snatch his ass in a bear trap! Leave that motherfucker swingin' from a tree so high nobody finds him for days! Glock-glock, you know what I'm sayin'? Dumbassed motherfucker pullin' shit! Damn!
Yolanda: You're right, Fat Abbot. Thanks!
Fat Abbot: No problem, ho. Maybe later you can suck my dick, bitch-ho! Shit!
Bill: Well, Fat Abbot and the gang sure done learned somethin' today. If you have a stepdad ridin' your ass, just snatch his ass in a bear trap. Grine! No more stepdad. See ya next time eatin' the pudding.
Stan: Yeah. Yeah, I think I'll write a little note for Roy.
Scene Description: Stan grabs paper and pencil and starts writing. That night, over at Cartman's clubhouse, the place is jumping, music is blaring, and a small crowd mills around. The long-haired teenager stands next to the radio for a moment, then passes out. Cartman brings a tray holding a box and bowl of Cheesy Poofs.
Older kid: Hey, kid, give me some of those!
Scene Description: Holding a beer bottle, he grabs some Cheesy Poofs and swallows them.
Scene Description: Cartman fights through the crowd to the teenage girls Kenny found.
Cartman: Hey! When are we gonna play Truth or Dare?
Runaway girl 1: What? That game's for kids.
Cartman: This is bullcrap!
Scene Description: Cartman throws up the tray and lets it fly everywhere, Randy, who is also at Cartman's clubhouse party is hanging out near a girl dancing in overalls.
Randy: Oh boy, it's getting late. I'm gonna have to leave this party.
Cartman: This sucks, Kenny! I wish we'd never built a clubhouse!
Scene Description: The music begins to build.
Punk: Mosh pit!
Scene Description: Kenny stands alone in an open space in the crowd.
Kenny: (Huh?)
Scene Description: The crowd rushes to fill it in and stomps all over him, then disperses, revealing rats feasting on his corpse. The lyrics appropriately say, "Why don't you just pull a piece of me? Why catch some piece of me? Why does everybody want a piece of me?"
Cartman: Oh my God, they killed Kenny!
Scene Description: Outside on the street in front of Cartman's house, Kyle happens to be passing by.
Kyle: You bastard!
Scene Description: Over at Stan's house. Sharon shouts for Stan to hear if he is home.
Sharon: Stanley?! Your father is coming over for visitation! Stan?
Scene Description: She sees the note he has written, which reads: Meet me in the clubhouse. She tosses the note onto the sofa and walks out. Roy enters the living room after she has left.
Roy: Sharon? Sharon, have you seen my copy of Harper's?
Scene Description: Roy sees the note and reads it aloud.
Roy: Meet me at the clubhouse.
Scene Description: Out inside Stan's clubhouse, Randy is sitting alone, Sharon climbs up and parts the curtain behind him.
Sharon: Oh, Randy. What are you doing here?
Scene Description: She climbs in and sits near him.
Randy: I, uh, got a note from Stanley to come out to the-uh clubhouse.
Sharon: Oh I thought that note was for me.
Randy: Oh, maybe it was.
Scene Description: Sharon looks around, surveying Stan and Kyle's handiwork.
Sharon: Well, it looks like our little Stanley has built himself quite a clubhouse here.
Randy: I remember not too long ago we were just kids playing kissing games in my clubhouse.
Scene Description: A moment of awkward silence, then Sharon gets up and goes to leave.
Sharon: Goodnight.
Randy: Sharon?
Sharon: Yes?
Scene Description: She turns back to face him.
Randy: Truth or Dare?
Sharon: It's too late for games.
Scene Description: She comes back in and sits down.
Randy: No, I'm serious, please. Truth or Dare?
Sharon: Truth.
Randy: Do you still love me?
Sharon: Oh, Randy, I do love you, but- now I'm so confused-uh. I'm living with Roy and-, I don't know how to break it off with him.
Scene Description: Roy exits the house looking for Sharon.
Roy: Sharon-
Scene Description: Roy springs a trap.
Roy: Guh-ow! Uh. Ey! Uh.
Randy: Well, you never know. Maybe-
Roy: He-
Randy: -thing will work out.
Roy: Hello?
Sharon: Maybe. I guess it's my turn. Truth or Dare?
Roy: Sharon?
Randy: [Sensually.] Dare.
Sharon: Do me. Right here in the clubhouse.
Scene Description: Randy pounces on her and they go at it.
Roy: Hello? Hel-lo? Could- could somebody get me d-? Hello?
Scene Description: Stan is holding the rope to the trap.
Stan: Wow. Clubhouses are magical.
Scene Description: The next day back at the clubhouse, Stan, Wendy, Bebe, and Clyde are there.
Bebe: Okay. It's my turn. Stan? Truth or Dare?
Scene Description: Stan is nervous, sweating, but willing. He looks at Wendy then at her lips.
Stan: Dare.
Scene Description: Wendy and Bebe whisper.
Bebe: Take this stick and jam it up your peehole.
Stan: ...What?!
Wendy: Wow, that sucks!
Bebe: Do you think it'll hurt?
Scene Description: End of Clubhouses, Roy is still dangling from the tree outside.
Roy: Hello? I sure am hungry. Anybody? It certainly does suck right here. Hello? Shuh- Sharon? Sharon, hello?