Scene Description: Kyle's house, night, bathroom. The toilet is seen and on it are a glass and a plate of chocolate-chip cookies. Kyle sits in his pajamas underneath a window and next to a night stand and candle opposite the toilet bowl, and holding a small flag which reads: WELCOME MR. HANKEY. Ike walks in and towards the food
Kyle: He's gonna be here any minute, Ike.
Ike: [pulls himself onto the seat and looks in] Oooh nooo, poopies.
Kyle: Heee might not come if you're too close to the toilet bowl, Ike. [lifts him off the seat and takes him back to the night stand] Come sit by me. [they sit down and face the toilet bowl, and wait. Nothing happens.]
Sheila: [at the door with Gerald] It's getting late, boys. Why don't you come on up to bed.
Kyle: Just let us stay up a little longer, mom. Mr. Hankey's gotta show up. He always does.
Sheila: Alright, bubbe. [leaves with Gerald, but returns] Oh, and boys? Happy Chanukah.
Kyle: Happy Chanukah, Mom. [returns his sight to the toilet bowl and waits...]
Scene Description: Kyle's house, night, bathroom. "Silent Night" plays
Ike: [Waves the flag around] Ayaaa ta. [Kyle is getting drowsy] Weee Weee... [soon, Ike is asleep on Kyle's shoulder as Kyle drifts into sleep, but checks on the plate once in a while. An ant is now on the toilet seat inching its way to the cookies. Kyle watches drowsily until the ant touches the cookies...]
Kyle: Go away!
Scene Description: The ant scurries away. At length, the candle burns down to the plate and goes out. Kyle and Ike are both asleep. Sheila and Gerald look in once again and find the boys asleep. Sheila picks up Ike and Gerald picks up Kyle and take them to their respective rooms. Kyle is then seen asleep in his room. He opens and blinks his eyes, then gasps and sits up. He rushes out of bed and into the restroom, only to find an empty plate and glass. He thinks Mr. Hankey has been by, until he notices something on the floor to the left of the toilet. A look of dismay comes over his face. It's the ant he sees, now bloated and content. Kyle goes to make a phone call.
Scene Description: Stan's house, night, bathroom. "Silent Night" continues
Stan: [picks up the phone] A-ah huh.
Kyle: [barks. Music stops] Stan! Go get the other guys and tell them to meet me at the bus stop in ten minutes!
Stan: Ho-o-oh.
Scene Description: South Park, night, bus stop. Kyle, with flashlight and crow bar, is waiting as the others arrive. Kenny arrives in coat, hood, and undies. Cartman in pajamas, cap and coat, and Stan fully dressed, but with his cap askew. A lock of hair is seen
Kyle: Okay, good. You're all here.
Stan: What is this all about, Kyle?
Kyle: It's Mr. Hankey! He hasn't shown up yet.
Cartman: Aw, Jesus Christ! I'm going back to bed. [turns aside and walks off]
Kyle: It's only three days until Christmas, you guys! You know how bad things have been around here. I think it might be because Mr. Hankey hasn't come.
Cartman: Kyle, I have a full day of watching TV tomorrow. I don't have time to go on a poo hunt right now, okay?
Kyle: If you guys want there to be a Christmas, you'd better come help me!
Scene Description: South Park, night, city streets. Snow is still falling, but a manhole cover has been lifted and set aside. Down below, in the sewer, the boys walk in the muck looking for Mr. Hankey's home
Cartman: Heh-tchoo!
Kyle: [turns and glares at Cartman] Dude, you sneezed on my back!
Cartman: Oh, sorry, you might get some germs while you're walking around in human feces!
Kyle: Hey, look. [before them is a small cottage in a collection basin. They walk to the end of the sewer line] Hello?
Mr. Hankey: Hoowwddyy ho! [behind him is a little cottage all glittered in light]
Kyle: ...Mr. Hankey! Hoh, we were so worried! I was waiting up for you and you didn't come, so I thought that-
Mr. Hankey: Oh, no I'm fine, Kyle.
Kyle: But where have you been? Things aren't the same without you. Nobody seems to have the Christmas spirit.
Mr. Hankey: I know, Kyle. I've just been awfully busy with my family. [calls into the house] Honey!
Cartman: Family?
Mr. Hankey: Boys, I want you to meet my wife. Autumn.
Autumn: Howdy-hey kids! [waves in the same way Mr. Hankey does, holds a martini in her left hand] Would you like a drink?
Mr. Hankey: They're too young to drink, honey.
Autumn: Hey haa, it's Christmas!
Mr. Hankey: Come. You have to meet the little nuggets, too. Kids! [they come one one by one] This is our son, Cornwallis.
Cornwallis: [wearing glasses, a scarf and little blue beret] Hoowwdy Ho! [hops aside as another nugget enters]
Mr. Hankey: Our daughter Amber.
Amber: [in pink dress and maroon bow] Hoowwdy Ho! [hops aside as another nugget enters]
Mr. Hankey: And our son, Simon.
Simon: Eee, hey! Hnhn.
Mr. Hankey: [aside] Simon's not so smart. He was born with a peanut in his head.
Siimon: Heh What? Dad? Huh?
Mr. Hankey: Nothin', Simon.
Kyle: A family! So THAT's why you haven't been able to spread Christmas cheer.
Mr. Hankey: It sure has been tough. Nobody seems that into Christmas out there.
Stan: I know, it's like it doesn't matter anymore.
Cartman: My moms barely bought me any presents so far.
Mr. Hankey: Well don't worry kids! I'm sending the nuggets up tomorrow to spread Christmas cheer! [the nuggets grin] And if you want, you can help them.
Kyle: Sure we'll help! [Stan grins]
Cartman: Anything for more presents!
Autumn: "Hic" Weh-hell, it's a Christmas party! Hey! You boys! You boys wanna bet me I won't take off my clothes?
Mr. Hankey: Honey, pleh, you're- you're drunk. Onkay?
Autumn: But it's a Christmas party!
Mr. Hankey: Honey, can we go inside for a second? [they enter the little house and start arguing. The boys look on in shock while the nuggets keep their smiles. Abruptly the arguing stops and the two adult poos step out again] Well, it's decided, kids. Tomorrow we're gonna bring back the spirit of Christmas!
Scene Description: South Park, day, city streets. The boys and the nuggets stand on the sidewalk in front of Tele's and the toy store humming "Good King Wencelas" The nuggets soon hum their own tunes. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny wear nose clips and suits that suggest they are reindeer, while Cartman is dressed as Santa
Cartman: Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas, you guys! Only three shopping days until- [a couple walks past] God-damnit! [a man walks past in the other direction] Hey! Merry Christmas, asshole! [a woman walks by]
Stan: Nobody's paying any attention. [Amber clears her throat as a foot comes down over Simon, and the foot pulls away]
Woman: Ew, I almost stepped in it.
Tele's Owner: [exits and locks his door] Well, it was a good effort, boys. But I'm gonna have to close shop. Nobody's buyin' anything an' I can't afford to keep this furnace runnin'! [starts to leave, but notices the nuggets] Oh. And, boys, there's some crap on the sidewalk there. Watch out. [the nuggets look downcast. Red Harris leaves the toy store.]
Red: [locks the door] Not one toy. I guess this yeear, everyone's content to celebrate with candles and love. [starts sobbing, then walks away]
Stan: [emotionally] This is hopeless. We're just gonna have to face that the commercialism has been sucked out of Christmas.
Scene Description: A special report. Behind the anchor is a "No Christmas Trees" sign
News Anchor: And in other news tonight it appears that everyone is officially SICK OF CHRISTMAS! [a chart appears] In an SPC poll, 38% said they were fed up and tired of the holiday, 5% said they were indifferent to it, and a whopping 57% they would quick Bon Jovi square in the balls if given the opportunity. [the field poll follows]
Ms. Choksondik: Well, I think people are just fed up with the crowded shopping and the credit-card bills, uh. [the boys sit on Cartman's sofa watching the news] I, I think that the holiday just has become a joke.
Man: [with a son who waves at the camera] You know, it's just that a lot of people don't really believe in the whole Jesus thing anymore, you know? So what's to celebrate?
Man 2: Oh yeah. Right in the balls, man. Right square in the balls.
News Anchor: Well, the holiday spirit may be gone from South Park, but at least our faith in each other remains strong.
Assistant: [whispers into the anchor's ear] In South Park.
News Anchor: Oh really?
Scene Description: South Park, Cartman's house, day. The report is over
Stan: Dude, change the channel. This is too depressing. [Cartman clicks the remote, and "A Charlie Brown Christmas" pops up. Charlie, Lucy, and Snoopy are on screen]
Charlie Brown: Good Grief! We need a Christmas tree for our play.
Cartman: Oh, Jesus, not this thing again.
Stan: How come everyone in cartoons has such big heads?
Charlie: [as other kids dance around him] Alright, everyone, we've got to get on with our play!
Kyle: Jesus, this sucks! All they keep doin' is dancing around!
Cartman: Yeah, this thing really falls apart in the second act.
Stan: [affecting a Peanuts accent] And why is it that on Charlie Brown cartoons, everyone talks like this.
Cartman: My mom could make a better Christmas special than this!
Kyle: Hey, that's it. Oh, my God, that's totally it! [drops down from the sofa and walks to the TV] It's so simple!
Stan: What, dude?
Kyle: [turns and faces the other boys] We can get everyone back into the Christmas spirit by making our very own animated Christmas special, and showing it to everybody in town! [Charlie and Linus talk onscreen]
Stan: We don't know anything about animation.
Kyle: How hard can it be? Look at it. [Snoopy and Charlie walk in the woods]
Cartman: Hey yeah! We can make a little animated Santa Claus and Jesus, and it can star us instead of these little round-headed guys!
Kenny: (Yeah, right! Awesome!)
Stan: Yeah! And we can call it... "The Spirit of Christmas" [onscreen, Snoopy is pummeling a naked Charlie Brown hard across the face with a 2-by-4]
Scene Description: South Park, The Mayor's office, day. The report is over
Mayor: [worried] Ogh! This is terrible, Johnson! Our whole town's economy is going right in the toilet! We've got to get everybody back in the Christmas spirit!
Aide 2: Mayor, some adorable children are here to see you.
Mayor: Meugh. Send them in.
Kyle: [as the boys enter]Mayor! We have the solution to your problem.
Mayor: You do?
Kyle: We're gonna make a short animated Christmas card that everyone can watch and play it on the screen at the old drive-in.
Stan: It'll have everything. Jesus, Santa. And when people see it, they'll just HAVE to get in the spirit. All we need is three hundred dollars for our budget.
Mayor: [falsely enthusiastic] An animated Christmas card. Kids, that just may be the dumbest idea I've ever heard, ever!
The Boys: Awww.
Mayor: But at this point I'm willing to try anything. Johnson, cut them a check for three hundred dollars.
The Boys: Alright!
Kyle: [to the other three] You guys go tell Butters to start making the cutoouts. I'm gonna go tell Mr. Hankey the good news!
Scene Description: The Hankey home, day, exterior. Mr. Hankey and Autumn are in a heated argument inside. The argument is incomprehensible for a while, until a voice stands out.
Mr. Hankey: Now you put that vase down! Put that vase down! That's a very expensive vase! [now warning] Don't you throw that vase! [the vase is thrown and breaks.]
Kyle: [now facing the house from the sewer] Ah, Mr. Hankey?
Mr. Hankey: [exits the front door] Oh, Kyle! Hoowwddy ho!
Kyle: [excited] We got the money, Mr. Hankey. We're gonna make our animated Christmas card.
Mr. Hankey: Oh, that's swell! Kids! [the nuggets come out] Christmas is back on! We've gotta all go get that old drive-in workin' again.
The Nuggets: Okay!
Autumn: That's not the only thing we gotta get workin' again, [pokes him] if you know what I mean...
Mr. Hankey: [concerned] Wha- why do you, why do you have to say things like that in front of people?
Kyle: Well, I've gotta go start our animation. We've only got two days. [turns and walks away...]
Mr. Hankey: Good luck, Kyle. And we'll have that projector workin'! Don't you worry! [Cornwallis sniffs at himself]
Amber: What's the matter, Cornwallis?
Scene Description: Butters' home, day. A gate is open by one side of the house. Inside, the four boys enter a room littered with cutouts
Kyle: Alright, Butters. Let's see what you've got.
Butters: [behind a desk] Huh, well, okay. Now, don't expect too much with the budget you gave me.
Stan: [impatient] Yeahyeahyeah. just let us see 'em!
Butters: Well, alright. Here's a little paper construction of Santa Claus. [holds him up and moves him a bit] "Ho ho ho, uh, there-a kid. Hu-uh, would you like some- t-hoys and stuff" Hah, and uh, here's a little Jesus. [brings him forth] "Hi there, Santa. I am the Light and the Way, and stuff." [Santa] "Uh, ho o-kay. That's good, I suppose." Huh, and here's the cutout versions of you guys. [unfurls a large sheet which contains some mountains and spitting images of the four boys]
The boys: Whoa!
Cartman: [points] Heheh. Look, he made Stan all fat.
Stan: [retorts] That's not me, that's you!
Cartman: What?!
Kyle: They kind of look like us. [the poster is shown again] I mean, Stan's got blue eyes and I've got a sharper nose, but I mean, they kinda look like us.
Cartman: I AM NOT THAT GODDAMNED FAT! [Butters sets the poster on the desk, face up]
Kyle: God job, Butters.
Butters: Woh, ah, hey! I made a little cutout version of me, too! Ih in case you need it for your animated film.
Stan: [grabs the poster] No, that's okay. [walks away]
Kyle: See ya! [grabs Santa, Cartman grabs Jesus, and they walk away with Kenny]
Butters: Uh-m, alright, alright then. [the door closes, and a few second later, he reaches into a top drawer and pulls out a Barbie cutout. In falsetto...] "Oh, uh, hello, good-lookin'? What's your name?" [moves the Butters cutout] "Huh, Butters, ma'am." [moves the Barbie cutout while in falsetto] "Well, Butters, would you like to slap my- titties around?" [moves the Butters cutout closer] "Whoa! Well, uhuh" [a smile of fantasy flashes across his face] "Uh, no thanks, ma'am. Uh I, I'll get in trouble again." [guiltily puts the cutout away.]
Scene Description: The Hankey home, day. Inside, Cornwallis is seated at a table with thumb tacks for legs. There are two 5-book stacks on the table, a third stack on the floor behind him, and two books on the floor in front of the table. Mr. Hankey enters, and soon seen are a spool of string for a bedstand and a pencil as a curtain rod. A locket hangs over Cornwallis' bed, and it contains pictures of his parents
Mr. Hankey: Cornwallis, we've got to go fix up the drive-in.
Cornwallis: I don't want to, Dad. I'm too sad.
Mr. Hankey: [takes a seat at the table] Hey, that's alright, Cornwallis. The boys' animated movie will being back the spirit of Christmas.
Cornwallis: It's not that, father. Its... Well, I don't feel like I'm really a part of Christmas.
Mr. Hankey: But son, you're a Hankey. We love Christmas!
Autumn: [drunk as ever, appears at the door] Come on, it's time to sit around the tree!
Mr. Hankey: [serious] We're having a talk, honey.
Autumn: God-damnit it's Christmas and we're gonna be a happy family around the tree!
Mr. Hankey: Autumn, you're drunk. Alright, now, just go help the other kids; they can't get their stockings up.
Autumn: That's not the only thing that can't get up around here. [rushes away]
Mr. Hankey: ...Now come on, son. Don't be so down.
Cornwallis: Why? We're just pieces of crap. Christmas isn't for us.
Mr. Hankey: Christmas is about feeling good. That's for everybody!
Cornwallis: I see the Nativity. There's angels, shepherds and sheep. But no poo. All the Christmas movies: Santa, elves, reindeer. No poo. I'm not a part of it.
Mr. Hankey: No, you're not a part of it, Cornwallis. You're all of it. Don't you see?
Cornwallis: I'm nothing but crap!
Mr. Hankey: But crap is everything. [begins to sing] Everything that lives on earth poos in some way And that's how the cycle happens, each and every day [Takes Cornwallis out and up to the street] Just look at the green green grass and the birds up in the sky [cows graze on the some exposed grass while large birds fly lazily above] It's all here because of poo, and now I'll tell you why Grass it's eaten by cattle, which is eaten by women and men [A cow poops as it eats, then Butters' family is shown eating burgers at table] It fuses with their bodies and becomes poo again [Mr. Hankey sings to Cornwallis, then Butters' father is shown straining on the toilet] And that poo goes through the sewer, where it's dumped into the sea. [some poo descends through the pipe, and Mr. Hankey soon follows. A raw sewage outlet is then shown with Mr. Hankey exiting] And it's eaten by the plankton, and becomes the fishes' meal. [plankton swarm the poo and devour it; a small fish eats the plankton] And then that bigger fish with the poo still inside [a bigger fish eats the small fish, but an even bigger one approaches] Swims up near the shore and gets eaten alive [the bigger fish swallows the medium-sized one and swims up to the surface, only to be snatched up by a bear] By the grizzly bear that poos on a dead piece of sand [the bear walks off with the fish in its mouth and poos as he leaves] So it can spring to life and become food for the land! [flowers and grass spring up through and around it. The camera pulls back to reveal an African savannah around the flowers, with all sorts of animals in it] It's the poo of the antelope, the poo of the giraffe [soft backup vocals come on, lending the song an African feel. antelope run in the background as a giraffe appears and stops] It falls onto the earth and becomes the blades of grass [The camera looks at Mr. Hankey and Cornwallis atop Poo Rock, first from the back, then from the front] The grass is eaten by the cattle, which comes out the other end [more cattle are shown grazing and pooing] To make food for the humans and start all over again [a man scoops the poo into a small bag and walks off; Butters and family eat more burgers; his mom sits on the toilet] [back on Poo Rock, before which animals poo freely] You see, son? You're not an insignificant part of life. You are life.
Cornwallis: But how can I be that giraffe and blade of grass, and a human? I don't control what they do.
Mr. Hankey: [sits next to Cornwallis] Just like your heart beats without you thinking about it, so, too, your giraffes and your humans do what they do without you even thinkin' about it. But it is all one life form. It is all... [points to him] you.
Cornwallis: [smiles] I think I see now. I'm the poo of the antelope, that flows down to the ground [steps forward]
Mr. Hankey: Becomes the grass of tomorrow
Cornwallis: Yeah
Mr. Hankey: Which the grazers turn around [An antelope stops to poo a little, then runs off to join the others]
Cornwallis: So I'm the leg of a leopard and the wings of a hen
Mr. Hankey, Cornwallis: Which becomes dinner for the human and turns back to poo again. [Mr. Hankey holds Cornwallis high in the air on Poo Rock with the sky behind them. Cornwallis hums a bit] That's the Circle, the Circle of Poo! [Cut to black]
Scene Description: Stan's house, basement, day. He hands out scripts to the other three boys
Stan: Okay, here's the script. But it doesn't have an ending.
Kyle: No ending? Well, we can't animate until we have our voices recorded, so we'd better just record what we have and figure out the ending later. [they walk over to some microphones.]
Sound man: [instructing] Okay, talk directly in the mike and don't hit any hard p's.
Kyle: What's a hard p?
Cartman: You know, first thing in the morning when it just won't come out?
Kyle: Oh, yeah.
Sound man: Uumm, okay, sound is speeding, and... [cues the boys by raising his hand]
The boys: We wish you a Merry Christmas
Sound man: Hold on.
Kyle: We wish- [the sound man presses a few buttons, and some white noise blasts through the boys' headphones]
The boys: [twisting in pain] AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!
Cartman: ...deh..OOOWW!!!
Sound man: Uh, [makes more changes to the sound settings] mmm. Okay, and? [cues the boys]
Boys: We wish you a merry Christmas, We wish you a merry Christmas, We wish you a merry Christmas-
Stan: Hey! Wait a minute!
Kyle: What?
Stan: Aren't you Jewish, Kyle?
Kyle: Well, yes, I think so.
Stan: [calmly] Dude, Jewish people don't celebrate Christmas. You're supposed to sing Chanukah songs. [Kyle cues the piano player, who begins playing]
Kyle: Dreidel dreidel dreidel, I made you out of clay, Dreidel dreidel dreidel-
Cartman: [grins] Heheheheh, Chanukah sucks.
Kyle: [throws his headphones off and faces Cartman angrily] Don't you oppress me, fat boy.
Cartman: [throws his headphones off] Don't call me fat, buttfucker.
Kyle: Then don't belittle my people you fuckin' fatass!
Stan: You guys, knock it off! We have to record this! [the sound man begins to laugh heartily]
Sound man: [composes himself] Dude, that was awesome.
Stan: What's awesome?
Sound man: The script. It's sweet.
Stan: That's not in the script They do this all the time.
Sound man: Well, it should be in the script. All that "you're fat" and "you're a Jew" and stuff. It's great. [the boys look at each other]
Scene Description: South Park, Photo Dojo, day. The boys are gathered round a camera, which is pointing straight down onto the poster Butters made for them. Two lights shine on the poster, and the cutouts are in place. Some other heads are at the top end of the poster
Kyle: Check it out, dude. The camera shoots one frame at a time. So, all we gotta do, is put the right mouth on, according to what syllable they're pronouncing at that frame.
Stan: Easy.
Kyle: Yeah. So what's the first syllable?
Stan: Uhd- W, WW-e wish you a Merry Christmas
Kyle: Okay. So we put little "woo" mouths on all our heads. [sets the "woo" mouths in place] And then we shoot that for one frame.
Stan: Okay. [snaps the shot] One.
Kyle: That's one twenty-fourth of a second of our movie already shot! [exults]
Stan: Kickass!
Kyle: Now, the next mouth.
Stan: Uuhh, E. W-EE wish you a Merry Christmas. [both turn aside to look around]
Kyle: Okay, where are the E-mouths?
Stan: [softly] E mouths...
Scene Description: South Park, Photo Dojo, three hours later. The boys' eyelids are drooping and they're tired
Kyle: Okay. "Woo" mouths again?
Stan: [snap] 1 [snap] 2.
Kyle: So how much done is that?
Stan: "We wish you a m- Merry"
Kyle: [softly] Aw, [loudly] Jesus Christ!
Scene Description: South Park Drive-In, night. The boys' eyelids are drooping and they're tired
Mayor: [enters the drive-in with her aides] This kids better make a good Christmas movie, Johnson. If people in this town don't start shopping again, we're all gonna be out of jobs next year.
Johnson: This... place is pretty run-down.
Mayor: It's alright, we've got a clean-up crew coming.
Mr. Hankey: [off-screen] Hoowwddy ho! [the Mayor and Johnson look around] Down here!
Johnson: [jumps back] WAAGGH!
Mayor: [displeased] Oh. Mr. Hankey, it's you. How wonderful.
Mr. Hankey: My family and I are here to get the drive-in ready for the biig movie.
Autumn: [drunk and still holding a martini, to Johnson] Hi there, Mr. Important Political Person. *hic* [Johnson looks disturbed] You wanna bet me I won't take off my clothes and run naked through this parkin' lot?
Mr. Hankey: [softly blocking] Uh-uh, honey, please don't start!
Autumn: I didn't start it! He was looking at my breasts!
Mr. Hankey: They're not real, you know.
Autumn: Don't you say that! [hugs him, but he pushes her off]
Mr. Hankey: Oh, big secret! Everyone can tell they're made of silicorn!
Johnson: Uhhh, we'll just leave you to your cleanup. [leads the Mayor and the other aide away]
Mr. Hankey: Okay! Boy, oh boy, this place suuure needs a lot of work.
Cornwallis: We can fix it up, Dad.
Amber: Oh, look! A homeless person. [the man is seen sleeping on the ground covered in papers and cardboard] Oh. He looks sad, Papa. [hops over to him and leaves a poo smile on his lips] There. That's better.
Mr. Hankey: Good job, Amber. Now this place is starting to look Christmasy [the man continues to sleep...]
Scene Description: South Park, Photo Dojo, next day. The boys are back at the animatic further along in the project
Kyle: Okay. Okay, the shot is finally set up. Now shoot the O mouth for two frames. [Cartman sneezes and immediately realizes what he just did]
Stan: AAAAAAAA!
Kyle: Cartman!
Cartman: Well, I'm sorry! I have a cold!
Stan: That took us half an hour to set up, fatass!
Cartman: Alright! You know what? I have been here TOO LONG! I'm sick of making this stupid cartoon, and we're never goin' to finish it anyways! [walks off and stops at the door] Screw you guys, I'm goin' home!
Kyle: [rushing to the door] Fine! We'll do it with out you!
Stan: We can't do it without him, Kyle. We've already animated him in it!
Kyle: We'll dub his voice over.
Stan: Kyle, it's hopeless. We've only got 20 seconds of animation done, and we still have Jesus' and Santa's voices to record, and we don't even have a third act. Dude, it would take a miracle to finish this thing!
Kyle: Now, don't go saying that. There's always hope. Miracles happen most every day. To people like you, and me. But don't expect a miracle. Unless you help make it to be. You hope, and I'll hurry. [takes the poster and rolls it up.] You pray, and I'll plan [The boys exit the Photo Dojo with it] We'll do what's necessary, 'cause [now in Stan's room, works on a Brian Boitano cutout] Even a miracle needs a hand! [walks up to the wall and adds a scene to Act II]
Kyle: You love-
Stan: We love
Kyle: -And I'll labor. [takes down the scene]
Stan: Tralala
Kyle: You sit- [puts it up again]
Stan: We sit.
Kyle: -And I'll stand. [a funny look appears on his face]
Stan: Tralalalala
!Boys: Get help from our next-door neighbor, 'cause [Kenny begins to hum as the Hankey family is shown cleaning up the drive-in]
Boys, Hankeys: Even a miracle needs a hand! [Autumn is passed out to one side of the film projector as Mr. Hankey cleans up]
Scene Description: Stan's house, basement, day. Stan and Kyle have to work without Cartman, so they stand wearing headphones and reading the script aloud
Kyle: You can do Cartman's voice, can't you?
Stan: "Awgh! I'm so fat!"
Kyle: Nuh, you've gotta sound fatter.
Stan: [with tongue filling his mouth] "Hey, you guys! Seriouslih! I'm so fat! Help me out over hmyah!"
Kyle: Cool! Now let's try the script!
Sound Man: Rolling...
Stan: [Doing his and Cartman's parts] Stan: I don't know what to do, dude. Who should we help? Cartman: I say we help Santa Claus!
Kyle: Oh, you're just saying that because he brings you candy.
Stan: Cartman: Ey! I don't need to take that kind of shit from a Jew! [both boys grin, and the sound man signals his approval with a thumbs-up]
Scene Description: Stan's house, living room, day. Kyle and Stan resume singing as Kyle packs the cutouts into a box headed for Korea
Kyle: You wish-
Stan: We wish
Kyle: -And I'll whittle.
Stan: Tralalalala
Kyle: You sit- [closes the box and tosses it up]
Stan: We sit.
Kyle: -And I'll stand. [displays the box's destination and walks out with it]
Stan: Tralalalala
Kyle: [with Kenny humming] Let's all try to help a little, 'cause[A group of 20 Korean inbetweeners are shown working hard on the short]
Scene Description: South Park, Potter's Art Store, day. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny walk out with construction paper
Boys: Even a miracle- [a car comes in and runs over Kenny as the driver honks, leaving Kenny flat as a pancake. The boys just look in wonder]
Stan: ...It's okay. We'll just have his character die in the film. [they resume singing and walk away]
Scene Description: Stan's house, living room, day. Stan and Kyle are there. A large box has come for Stan and he's about to open it
Stan, Kyle:
Scene Description: South Park Drive-In, night. The drive-in is cleaned up now. The entire town shows up to see the short film. To the left, two klieg lights shine on a high platform on which stand the Mayor and her aides; Stan, Kyle, and Cartman. A decorated Christmas tree stands behind them. On close-up, though, Cartman is missing
Mayor: Citizens of South Park, the Colorado Film Commission is pleased to present to you a work by some of our very own South Park children. [the crowd erupts in applause]
Cartman: [enters victoriously] Thank you, thank you. [Stan and Kyle look at him annoyed]
Kyle: Cartman, what the hell are you doing here?! You quit!
Cartman: What are you talkin' about, "quit"? Huh! I don't remember that.
Mayor: We know that after you see this darling short film, [the crowd is shown] you will all feel the mighty glow of the Christmas spirit once again. Boys?
Kyle: Okay, Mr. Hankey!
Mr. Hankey: [in the booth] O-kay! [starts the projector. The opening screen of "The Spirit of Christmas" is shown as music plays.]
Scene Description: Scene: a snowy hill. South Park comes into view. A squirrel pops up to see the camera, then drops away next to the town sign. Kids can be heard singing a Christmas carol. The camera pans to the right
Kids: We wish you a merry Christmas,We wish you a merry Christmas,We wish you a merry Christmas-
Stan: Hey! Wait a minute!
Kyle: What?
Stan: Aren't you Jewish, Kyle?
Kyle: Yeah, I think so.
Stan: (voice rising) Dude, Jewish people don't celebrate Christmas!
Kyle: What?
Stan: You're supposed to sing Chanukah songs!
Kyle: Dreidel dreidel dreidel-
Scene Description: the film snaps in two and grinds to a halt. Fear strikes the boys' faces, then the Mayor's face. The film spools out of the reels and Mr. Hankey holds the unwound film in his hands
Simon: Eehhhh, pretty! [the crowd begins to disperse and grumble]
Man: Oh, that's Christmas for ya.
Mayor: Uhuh, just hang on folks. We seem to be having some technical difficulties.
Man 2: Boring.
Man 3: I've gotta go.
Man 4: Stupid.
Mr. Hankey: [as the boys enter the projection booth] It's completely destroyed! There's nothin' I can do!
Kyle: All that hard work.
Mayor: Well, thanks a lot, kids. Great idea you had there. Now everyone is more disenfranchised with Christmas than ever. We want our three hundred bucks back!
Kyle: But we spent it!
Mayor: Fine. Then we'll sue you. [leaves with the aides] Johnson? [the other aide stays behind]
Aide: I... used to believe in miracles. [leaves]
Kyle: All that work!
Stan: For nothing.
Mr. Hankey: Boys, I uh, I'm s-, I'm sorry.
Kyle: Sure. Sh-sure, Mr. Hankey.
Cartman: I guess- we might as well- go home now. [the boys leave and Mr. Hankey wilts]
Scene Description: The Hankey home, night. Inside, Mr. Hankey sits on the little sofa. Cornwallis hops up to him and joins him on the sofa
Mr. Hankey: It's my fault. All my fault. I got everyone's hopes up.
Cornwallis: But Dad, we can fix the projector.
Mr. Hankey: Aw, it's too late for that, son. everyone' gone home. And I don't know nothin' about projectors. I'm just a stupid piece of crap.
Cornwallis: Dad, you taught me an important lesson: That crap is the cycle of everything.
Mr. Hankey: Aw, that was just a stupid song, Cornwallis! I was jus' tryin' to get you to stop your bitchin'
Cornwallis: No, it wasn't a stupid song. Because you showed me that I have the power and the strength to do anything I want. You made me believe in myself, Dad! Now I'm asking you to do the same.
Mr. Hankey: Son... [reflects for a moment] You're the smartest piece of crap since Albert Poodinger! Come on! [the two of them leave the house]
Scene Description: The Marsh house, living room, night. The immediate family is gathered
Sharon: Isn't this a nice Christmas, Stanley? No commercialism and shopping, just a nice fire and family.
Grandpa: I wanna die. [sleigh music is heard and a light soon fills the air outside. All the Marshes look]
Scene Description: A view of the suburbs. Lights come on all over the neighborhood, and families begin to come out of their houses. one girl and her parents, another girl and her parents, a boy and girl and their parents, etc. The light everyone sees is the drive-in screen. The short has been repaired and is airing the scene where the boys first meet Jesus. The drive-in soon fills up
Scene Description: On screen, Jesus floats down from the sky.
Kyle: What the-
Kenny: (Nooo!!) [tightens his hood]
Scene Description: The Broflovski house, night. The front door opens and Gerald and Sheila step out with Ike. Kyle follows them out.
Kyle: They did it! They got it working! [closes the door behind him]
Scene Description: On screen.
Jesus: You have blemished the meaning of Christmas for the last time, Kringle!
Santa: I bring happiness and love to children all over the world.
Jesus: Christmas is for celebrating my birth!
Santa: Christmas is for giving!
Scene Description: A shot of the audience
Crowd: Oh, wow!
Scene Description: The Hankey house. Amber and Simon stand outside
Amber: Mom! They got it working!
Autumn: [opens the front door and exits without closing it] What's that? They got your father's penis workin' again? [the three of them leave]
Scene Description: A shot of Stan, Kyle, and Cartman smiling. On screen...
Kyle: ...We actually spoke-to the Brian Boitano.
Stan: Yeah. And you know? I think I've learned something today, it doesn't matter if you're Christian or Jewish or Atheist or Hindu. Christmas still is about one very important thing.
Cartman: Yeah, ham.
Stan: [angrily] No not ham!
Scene Description: The audience. The boys laugh
Cartman: Ey! Why the hell did you have me say that?!
Kyle: Heheh, we could make you say whatever we wanted.
Scene Description: On screen...
Stan: ...Christmas is about something much more important!
Kyle: What?
Stan: [voice softens] Presents.
Kyle: [softly] Ah.
Stan: Don't you see, Kyle?
Kyle: Yeah.
Stan: Presents.
Scene Description: The audience...
Various Folk: ...Presents.
Man 5: My God, they're right!
Mr. Mackey: Christmas is about presents. If we all buy presents, everyone benefits. M'kay?
Randy: That is the spirit of Christmas. Commercialism. Because it's what makes our country work!
Mayor: They're starting to understand, Johnson.
Ms. Choksondik: We got so caught up in the little things of Christmas, like love and family that... we almost forgot it's buying things that makes our economy thrive.
Mayor: [wearing a handlebar mustache, in falsetto] Hey, the shops are still open. We still have time to shop. [the crowd starts to clamor in agreement, and soon the shops around South Park turn their lights on. Red Harris opens his toy shop up, and the crowd fills the streets, first cheering, then chatting]
Kyle: You did it, Mr. Hankey. You brought back the spirit of Christmas!
Mr. Hankey: No, you did it, boys!
Autumn: Aw, hell, we all did it!
Mayor: Kids, that cartoon was fabulous. How would you like to have your own show and make 100 more of them?
Stan: Are you kidding? I think we'd rather stab ourselves in the head.
Cartman: Yeah. Let's just go home and open our presents.
Kyle: [to Stan] Hey man, if you're Jewish you get presents for eight days.
Stan: Wow! Count me in!
Cartman: Yeah! I'll be a Jew too.
Boys: [leaving with the Mayor] Dreidel dreidel dreidel I made you out of clay Dreidel dreidel dreidel With dreidel I will play!
Scene Description: End of A Very Crappy Christmas. Rats rush in from all sides and nibble on Kenny's body.


Scene Description: Morning, bus stop. Stan and Kenny wait for the bus, and Kyle arrives.
Kyle: [joining the two other boys] Hey you guys! Look what I have!
Stan: What?
Kyle: Four tickets to The Lion King on stage!
Stan and Kenny: [pause] ...Oh.
Kyle: Aww, come on, you guys! It's supposed to be really cool.
Stan: Yeah - no - I'd, it, it sounds really cool.
Cartman: [off-screen, but rushes in] You guys!!! Hey you guys!!! Oh my God!! Oh my God, you guys!!
Kyle: What, doughboy?
Cartman: I was just- [looks stung, then flashes an angry look at Kyle] I was just watching the TV! They had this commercial.
Stan: So?
Cartman: So, guess what they're gonna say tonight on that show, Cop Drama.
Kyle: What?
Cartman: No, come on! Guess! They're gonna say something that's never been said on television.
Kyle: What?!
Cartman: You'll never guess.
Stan: What?!
Cartman: Guess.
Kyle: Goddamnit, Cartman! What are they gonna say on Cop Drama?
Cartman: You ready? [focus on Cartman] Tonight, on Cop Drama, on TV, they're gonna say, [looks both ways] "Shit."
Kyle: [gasps] They're gonna say "shit" on television?
Stan: They can't say "shit" on television!
Cartman: It was just on the news! People are freaking out, dude.
Stan: Holy fucking shit!
Scene Description: By this time a counter, with the number 2 appears, and it goes up whenever "shit" is said
Kenny: (Dude! We've gotta watch!)
Cartman: Yeah. I'm gonna have people over to my house to see it.
Kyle: Bu- but I got these tickets to see Lion King on stage.
Cartman: Maybe you didn't hear me, Kyle: I said "shit" on television!
Scene Description: Counter goes up a number, reading 3
Kyle: It's just a marketing ploy by the network. Like that time they had the first male-to-male kiss with Terrance and Phillip?
Stan: Aw, come, on dude! This is history.
Kyle: It's stupid!
Cartman: Jeez, you're a little irritable, Kyle. What's the matter? You got some sand in your vagina?
Kyle: No, I don't have sand in my vagina! I just think it's a little immature for us to be standing around talking about one dumb word being on TV!
Scene Description: Day, South Park Center for Seismic Activity, water cooler. Randy Marsh and three others shoot the breeze there
Randy: Hey, uh, Sam, did you hear the news?
Sam: Yeah, they're gonna say "shit" on television.
Colleague 1: [balding man] Hey, we should all get together and watch it at the bar.
Colleague 2: [with light brown hair] Yeaaahhh!
Sam: Yeah.
Randy: Yeah.
Colleague 2: Are you guys gonna let your kids watch?
Randy: Oh, sure, I mean, you know, Cop Drama is a very artsy, dramatic show.
Sam: And they're gonna say "shit"!
Scene Description: Day, sidewalk. Butters is tagging TELE's as Kyle walks up to him
Kyle: Hey, Butters! [Butters turns to see Kyle, and the tag is shown: "Butters"] I got tickets to go see Lion King tonight, and I decided to invite [points] YOU before anybody else.
Butters: Oh, sorry, I can't. [Kyle is disappointed] They're gonna say "shit" on Cop Drama, and my mom and dad say I have to watch it with them so that I don't take it the wrong way.
Kyle: How many ways are there to take it?! It's just a stupid word!
Mr. Garrison: [walks by] Hey everybody, it's on in thirty minutes! [people get in their cars and peel out of there, while those on the sidewalks quickly disperse. Only Kyle is left, bewildered]
Scene Description: Night, the town bar. Many of the town's men, including Randy and his coworkers, are inside watching "Cop Drama." The officers in the show speak in hushed tones.
Cop: [voice-over] Listen, Mitchell, I put my life on the line every day. How dare you accuse me!
Mr. Garrison: Oh, I bet this is it! Here it comes.
Mitchell: I'm doing my job, Frank! We have to know where that evidence was shipped!
Jimbo: Oh, was that it? Was that it?!
Randy: [annoyed] Shipped. He said "shipped".
Frank: I told you, we don't have a record of that. And besides, -
Scene Description: Cut to Cartman's house, night. Cartman sits on the sofa with Stan, Kyle and Kenny, and he's eating from a box of Cheesy Poofs
Frank: - your job is to protect the men who serve this force.
Cartman: Goddamn it! When are they gonna say "shit"?!
Stan: Sh!
Mitchell: Maybe... maybe protect them from you?
Scene Description: Cut to Chef's house, bedroom. He and Principal Victoria watch the show together in bed.
Frank: Maybe you're forgetting who you're talking to!
Mitchell: And maybe you're forgetting I used to be a cop, too!
Scene Description: Cut to the Broflovski house, living room. Sheila and Sharon are enjoying some popcorn as they view the show. Sheila is in the arnchair
Frank: Yeah? You used to be a lot of things.
Sheila: Oh, he doesn't know that Mitchell slept with his wife, does he?
Scene Description: Cut to the old folks home.
Mitchell: That's it, I've had enough of this.
Frank: Don't you turn your back on me, you!
Scene Description: Cut to New York's Times Square, in which a large crowd watches the show from behind a N.Y.P.D. police line
Mitchell: I said, enough!
Frank: Is it?
Scene Description: Cut back to Cartman's house.
Frank: Will it... ever be enough?
Announcer: Cop Drama will return after these messages.
Stan: Jesus Christ! Another commercial? Are they ever gonna say "shit?"
Cartman: I'm sure they're just holding it 'til the very last scene.
Stan and Kyle: Uh! [Kyle drops from the sofa and heads away]
Stan: Where are you going, Kyle?
Kyle: [stops and looks back] I'm going to the kitchen! This is stupid!
Stan: But you're gonna miss it! They're gonna say "shit" and you're gonna miss it!
Kyle: I don't really give a fuck! [turns and walks away]
Stan: Oh.
Scene Description: The bar, later.
Mitchell: Just understand that it's my job. I still think you're a good cop.
Frank: Well, Mitchell. I guess you're goin'ta do what you're gonna do. Let's just try and stay friends no matter what.
Mitchell: You're right. Maybe I'll see you around.
Frank: Goodbye. Oh, and Mitchell? [voice lowers to a whisper] You've got some shit on the side of your mouth right there.
Mitchell: Oh, yeah, thanks, thanks.
Bar Patrons: Wow!!!
Scene Description: Cartman's house...
The Boys: Whoa!!!
Scene Description: Chef's bedroom...
Chef and Principal Victoria: Oh!!
Scene Description: The old folks home...
Old Folks: Whoa!
Scene Description: Times Square... the crowd there cheers
Scene Description: The bar...
Jimbo: [awed] They did it!
Scene Description: Cartman's house...
Stan: I can't believe they actually said it. [Kyle returns with some food]
Cartman: Dude! You missed it, Kyle! It was so awesome!
Kyle: Well! I hope it lived up to all the hype! You must feel so much better now!
Cartman: Kyle, we've gotta get that sand out of your vagina. It's making you cranky. Does it itch?
Kyle: Do you really think anything's gonna be any different now?! [moves from one end of the sofa to the other] Do you really think that this will have the tiniest, smallest effect on the world? [moves towards the front door] It's still the same old world out there. Look. [opens the door to find frogs raining down on the neighborhood. The other boys soon join him] What the hell?
Cartman: Whoa, dude, it's raining frogs.
Kyle: Oh, whatever. [steps back inside]
Scene Description: Channel 4 News
Anchor Tom: Last night, the daring and bold show, Cop Drama [title screen pops up], broke new ground by saying "Shit!" on television, making "shit" officially okay to say around the country. [poll picture pops up, and is filled in as the announcer continues] A recent poll shows that 24% of Americans think the show has pushed the envelope too far, while a whopping 76% say they don't really give a shit. [A Medical Alert pops up] In other news, a strange virus which causes victims to vomit up their intestines is making life shitty for a small farming community. [a field reporter stands before an ambulance and a barn] Rick Watts has the story.
Rick Watts: Thanks, Tom. Shit is certainly going down here in the small town- [begins to vomit strenuously, then falls over dead]
Tom: Whoa, shit!
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The school bell rings
Ms. Choksondik: Alright, children, in lieu of the common usage, I'm s'posed to clarify the school's position on the word, "shit".
Stan: Wow! We can say "shit" in school now?!
Kyle: This is ridiculous! Just because they say it on TV it's alright.
Ms. Choksondik: Yes, but only in the figurative noun form or the adjective form.
Cartman: [quizzically] Huh?
Ms. Choksondik: You can only use it in the non-literal sense. For instance, [turns and writes on the board] "That's a shitty picture of me." is now fine. Hoever, the literal noun form of [writes] "This is a picture of shit." is still naughty. [crosses out the sentence]
Cartman: I don't get it.
Stan: Me neither.
Ms. Choksondik: The adjective form is now also acceptable. For example: [writes] "The weather outside is shitty." However, the literal adjective is not appropriate. For example: [writes] "My bad diarrhea made the inside of the toilet bowl shitty, and I had to clean it with a rag, which then also became shitty." [crosses it out] That's right out!
Timmy: Sss...sss...[draws it out] shit. [grins]
Ms. Choksondik: Very good, Timmy.
Butters: [raises his hand] Uh, Ms. Choksondik, eh, can we say it in the expletive? Like, "Oh, shit," or, "shit on a shingle"?
Ms. Choksondik: Yes, that's now fine.
Cartman: Wow, this is gonna be great! A whole new word!
Kyle: [angrily] It's not new!! I'm gonna look "shit" up in the encyclopedia and prove it!!
Cartman: Don't mind Kyle, everyone, he's just got a little sand in his vagina.
Kyle: There's no sand in my vagina!!!
Ms. Choksondik: [pointing] Boys, watch your language! Shit!
Scene Description: Kindergarten, day
Mr. Garrison: And so, children, instead of saying "Hand in your papers," I may now say, "Hand in your shit." Any questions?
Filmore: What about, "I have to take a shit"?
Mr. Garrison: No! No, Filmore! You can say "I have to poop and shit," or "Oh, shit, I have to poop," but not "I have to shit." Are we all clear?
Kindergartners: No.
Mr. Garrison: Look, it's all about context. Well, for example, recently, I have come out and admitted that I was a homosexual. I'm gay. That means that now I can say the word, "fag". On television they usually don't allow "fag". But because I'm gay, it's alright. And with the new approval of the word, "shit," that means that finally I am free to say, Hey, there, shitty shitty fag fag, Shitty shitty fag fag, how do you do? Hey, there, shitty shitty fag fag, Shitty shitty fag fag, how do you do? [pleased] Oh this is great!
Scene Description: South Park, some days later. The town has taken to using the S word, with Shit-themed stores and products all over the place. People proudly sport the word on their shirts. An elderly couple walks out of Shit 'n Things and stop just outside the door
Elderly Woman: Why that store has such lovely shit.
Elderly Man: Yeah. [they walk forth] Too bad I don't have shit for cash right now. [camera pans to the right and shows Principal Victoria and Mr. Mackey.]
Principal Victoria: Oh, looks like the weather might turn shitty.
Mr. Mackey: Oh, I don't really give a shit. I've done enough shit outside today and shit.
Man: Shit, Peter, you look like shit.
Peter: No, shit, I feel like shit. I think I-[begins to vomit strenuously, then falls over dead as people gather to see what's the matter]
Woman 1: Holy shit!
Woman 2: Did you see that shit? [Officer Barbrady arrives]
Barbrady: What kind of shit is this?
Man 1: That is some weird shit. [camera pans up into the sky. Voice-overs from here on]
Woman 3: Susan, your shit's ready!
Man 2: Do you know where this shit goes? [cut to a shot of the U.S. with Colorado highlighted. Smoke pours up from cities everywhere]
Man 3: Shit if I know.
Woman 4: Nice going, shit-for-brains.
Scene Description: a high mountain is shown
Man 4: Old McDonald took a shit, E I E I O
Man 5: No shit!
Scene Description: seven knights are shown encased in ice. The smoke reaches them and thaws them out. Music swells. They step forth and walk to the edge of a cliff, looking out over all those towns and cities spewing forth the filthy word. They draw their swords and raise them high, and lightning strikes each of the swords
Scene Description: South Park, another day. Mr. Garrisn is walking down the street, singing.
Mr. Garrison: Hey, there, shitty shitty fag fag,Shitty shitty fag fag, how do you do?Hey, there,-
Man 6: [bumps into Garrison] Oh, shit, 'scuse me. [walks away]
Mr. Garrison: Hey, watch it, fag.
Man 6: [stops and backs up] What did you call me?
Mr. Garrison: I called you a fag. Because I'm gay, and that means I'm free to use the word "fag". So piss off, you fag-shitter! [laughs and walks away]Heh, so hey there, shity shitty fag fagShitty shitty fag fag, ba doop a doop doo [walks past Stan and Cartman. Cartman is sucking on a Popsicle]
Stan: This sucks. Now that "shit"'s out, it isn't fun to say it anymore.
Cartman: Yeah, they've taken all the fun out of "shit". We're gonna have to start saying other bad words, like cock and fuck and... meecrob. [licks his Popsicle]
Stan: What's meecrob?
Cartman: You know, that stuff you get as an appetizer at Thai food restaurants. Meecrob, dude, is way grosser than "shit", dude. I'd scarf down a whole wet bucket full of shit before I ate another plate of meecrob. [Kyle rushes in with Kenny behind him]
Kyle: You guys! You guys! I've looked up the word, "shit"! I think it might have something to do with people dying!
Stan: What?
Kyle: Haven't you noticed everyone getting sick? It all started when they said "shit" on television.
Cartman: [dismissive] Oh, Kyle, you are so full of meecrob.
Kyle: I am not full of meecro- what? Look, the word "shit" first showed up in English in the 1340s, the same time as something called, "The Black Death".
Stan: What's that?
Cartman: Kyle, do you still have sand in your vagina about us not going to The Lion King with you?! I mean, shit, dude, let it go.
Kyle: Look! It might be a coincidence, but I think we'd better ask someone. Come on! [They walk past Shit Shack, and one of the knights steps out of the store as they leave. He sniffs a teal shirt with the word "shit" in his right hand.]
Scene Description: Hollywood, day, the HBC building. The network president talks to his staff in a boardroom. They're all smiling
HBC President: ...Seventy-five share. My God, I never thought it was possible.
Director 1: [brown hair and tie] Sir, your "shit" idea has turned the entire network around. We're proud to work for you. [all clap]
Director 2: [a blond] Sir, I'd just like to take this opportunity: And, I'm sure I speak for all of us when I say, you are the most creative genius in Hollywood, and... well... I'd let you have me if you wanted.
HBC President: Thanks, Roger, but I've only just started. You see, I've already figured out our new marketing scheme technique for the next run of shows.
Director 3: Whoa!
Director 4: He's unstoppable!
Director 1: What's the new idea?
Director 3: I can hardly wait.
Director 5: I'm about to piss myself!
HBC President: [dramatic. Music swells] This Saturday... on HBC... we're going to say... [music stops] "shit" ...twice.
Director 3: [pauses] Twice!
Director 4: Brilliant!
Director 6: Think of the repetition!
Director 3: It's like saying it once... but double!
HBC President: Well gentlemen, let's get on it!
All: Ho! [they raise their arms up in salute]
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Chef is singing away in the kitchen, serving up lunch for the kids.
Chef: Baby you are so fine, and shit!The shit you do, the shit you say; I'd jump on your shit any day![the boys walk in] Oh, hello there, children.
The Boys: Hey Chef.
Kyle: Chef, do you know where "shit" comes from?
Chef: Uh, from your ass, children.
Kyle: [holds his left palm out] No no! The word, "shit".
Chef: Oh.
Cartman: [points to Kyle] Detective Sandy Vagina here [Kyle looks angrily at Cartman] thinks that "shit" might have something to do with everyone getting sick.
Kyle: Ungh, it said in my book that the word, "shit", started exactly the same time as something called, "The Black Death".
Chef: The Black Death? Are you sure?
Stan: What's the Black Death, Chef?
Chef: LaToya Jackson, children.
The Boys: Oh.
Chef: But I think back in those days it meant something else: the plague!
Scene Description: The Library, later. Chef reads from a large book on a large table on the ground floor. To his left sit Stan and Kenny, to his right Kyle and Cartman
Chef: It says here the word, "shit" has been around for over 600 years. It comes from the Anglo-Saxon word, "skite".
Kyle: Right. But in the 1340s people in England stopped calling it "skite" and started calling it "shit." The same year as the Black Plague.
Librarian: [walks up with a cart of books] This is the oldest book in the library. [stops and holds up the book] A priceless original of England's history. Just about everything you could want to know about the plague is in this great tome. [blows the dust off the book, and the book disappears in the dust] Oh, shit. Well, this other book has some good information, too. [hands Chef the book and Chef cracks it open. Music starts]
Chef: The Black Plague. Over half of Europe was killed by it.
Stan: Look, they're puking out their intestines, just like the people here. [points]
Chef: Look at this, children. [the boys look closer] It says that the people in England believed that the plague was a curse, a dark magic infliction brought on by a mass utterance of a word of curse.
Stan: Word of curse?
Kyle: A... curse word.
Chef: Of course! I've never even thought about why we use the term "curse word" before.
Stan: Because it brings a curse? Like the Black Death.
Cartman: You guys, look here. [the others move over to see] In this Nancy Drew mystery, Nancy goes to the beach and gets sand trapped in her shoe. This could explain how Kyle got it in his vagina.
Kyle: Cartman, this is serious!!!
Cartman: So am I, Kyle. If that sand in your vagina doesn't get released, you could become a walking time bomb. [laughs]
Librarian: [returns] If you don't mind, I'll have to close up now. They're going to say "shit" seven times on HBC and I- [begins to vomit strenuously, then falls over dead]
Stan: Holy shit!
Cartman: Oh-Ho, gross!
Kyle: Dude, this plague is spreading like wildfire! [Kenny goes under the weather and coughs. The others look]
Stan: Uh oh.
Kenny: (Uh oh.)
Cartman: Kenny's got it. heh heh.
Kyle: We've gotta do something, Chef. If we don't we don't stop that network, [the lead knight looks into the library from the bushes] "shit" will become an even more acceptable word!
Chef: Children, we've got to warn those producers in Hollywood that the plague, and "shit", could be linked!
Scene Description: An airplane, day. Chef and the boys are headed for Hollywood
Captain: Hello, ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. If you look out the right side of the aircraft you can see some interesting shit. [all look right, except Chef and Kenny] And over on the left side, there's some interesting shit, too. [all look left, except Chef and Kenny] Well, we should be arriving in Los Angeles in about two hours. Until then we invite you to sit back, relax, and enjoy our shitty service. [Kenny coughs at Cartman]
Cartman: [brushes himself off] Goddamn it, Kenny! Don't get your plague germs on me!
Kyle: Cartman, stop being an asshole! [camera pans left to the lead knight sitting between two men, reading from THE WORLD NEWS. The knight lowers the paper and looks over at the boys, then sips from his coffee cup]
Scene Description: HBC headquarters, Hollywood, day, boardroom.
Director 5: The ratings are in, sir. We broke another record last night with the show that said "shit" seven times! [applause]
Director 1: Where is the roof on this thing? I mean, I mean, how can we top ourselves now? [the president walks behind him en route to the head of the table, then sits down]
HBC President: Gentlemen, I have it. The end-all greatest marketing ploy of all time. [applause] Tonight, on HBC, we will air all our sitcoms... LIVE. And have everyone say "shit" in place of their written lines. And we'll call it "Must Shit TV".
Director 1: Bravo!
Director 2: "Night Of A Million Shits!"
HBC President: Now, doing this live will be difficult, so we must- [Chef and the boys burst through the doors]
Chef: Hold on a minute, Mr. Producer!
HBC President: Who are you?
Chef: My name is Chef, and these are the children! We've come to warn you about "shit".
HBC President: [wearily] Oh brother, another Christian protest group.
Director 1: Who wants to take this one?
Director 2: I'll get it. [rises and walks over to the guests, with a box of complimentary gifts] Gentlemen, we appreciate your concern. [starts speaking quickly as he hands out beanie turtles, caps, American flags, and T-shirts. Kenny's eyes are bloodshot now] Here at HBC the general goal is providing the highest and most thought-provoking netertainment. How great it is that we live in a country where an artist can express himself freely. That's not only the American spirit, it's the HBC spirit. Which allows us to make great family programs like Halo The Turtle, and of course, everyone's favorite show, Cop Drama. We can't thank you enough for bringing your concerns to our network, for it is you, the loyal HBC viewer, who makes this great network, and indeed, the great country that it is. [finishes his speech with some confetti, then returns to his chair]
HBC President: Alright, now, as I was saying-
Chef: Hey! Hold on a minute!
HBC President: Aw, are they still here?
Chef: Haven't you people noticed all the strange things going on?
Kyle: We think that you might have could it by helping make "shit" an everyday word. [the executives just stare back at him]
Director 4: Hm, right, right.
Kyle: It's true. We think that word might be plaguing our friend, Kenny.
HBC President: Do you have any proof of this?
Kyle: ...No.
HBC President: Then [rises] get out of here before we have you thrown out!
Cartman: But... we can keep the Halo the Turtle dolls, right?
Scene Description: HBC headquarters, Hollywood, day, outside. Chef and the boys exit the building.
Chef: [defiant] Damn cracker-ass producers!
Stan: Now what are we gonna do, Chef?
Chef: I don't know, children. I guess we've got to get the word out to people some other way.
Lead Knight: [arrives, and brandishes his sword] Aaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh.
Stan: Oh shit!
Lead Knight: Stand aside! [the boys make way for him, and he rushes into the building]
Scene Description: HBC headquarters, Hollywood, day, boardroom.
HBC President: Alright, now, we have to get all our biggest names to say "shit", and then we're gonna- [the knight bursts into the room]
Lead Knight: Halt your evil plans!
Executives: Huh?
Lead Knight: I possess the Rune Stone of Undoing! Who is in charge here? [all the directors point to the president]
HBC President: Oh... [buries his face in his hands, believing his staff did something special for him] No, you guys didn't hire me a stripper for my birthday- oh, tell me you guys didn't.
Lead Knight: Show your true form, Geldon, lest you be afraid! Your short time in this world is at an end! [aims the Rune Stone at the president, but nothing happens. The directors just look at him.] Ach. The Rune Stone has no effect! You are not Geldon!
HBC President: I never said I was.
Lead Knight: [wields his sword and rushes towards the president] You will die anyway, for you have spread the word of curse! [decapitates a director]
HBC President: Security! [two officers come in with guns drawn and fire away at the knight]
Lead Knight: Ach! [the gunfire forces him out a window, and he falls to the ground five floors below] oh.
Scene Description: HBC headquarters, Hollywood, day, outside. Chef and the boys approach the fallen knight.
Chef: Who are you?
Lead Knight: Take this. [reaches out, and gives Stan the stone.]
Stan: What are we supposed to do with it?
Lead Knight: Eeehhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. [expires]
Kyle: Now what?
Chef: We've got to find people who would know what the hell this is all about. Children, we're goin' to have to go to the land of castles, knights, and kings!
Scene Description: Las Vegas, sunset, a view of the Strip, showing many of the attractions that can be found there.
Announcer: [as Chef and the boys take a people-mover in] Lords and Ladies, we bid you welcome to the grandest casino in the land, Excalibur! [a shot of the casino inside, with craps table, one-armed bandits, etc.]
Barker: Take a free spin. Double your odds. [Chef and the boys approach]
Chef: 'Scuse me. Do you work here?
Barker: How can I help you, noble sir?
Kyle: We need some help identifying an ancient English stone.
Barker: A what?
Stan: It might hold the key to a curse.
Barker: Uh... I can help get you some credit or a comp meal, perhaps.
Stan: Dude, we need help from the British!
Barker: Look kid, This is just a casino. I can't help you. You know, not every British person knows about wizards [begins chuckling] and dragons and curses.
Chef: We just need help identifying this. [holds up the stone]
Barker: [suddenly concerned, with hushed tones] The Rune Stome of Gaelic! Where did you get this?
Stan: You know what it is?
Barker: The Skire once spoke of such a stone! Come, we must see the sorcerer! [leads Chef and the boys off]
Scene Description: South Park, bar, night. The men are gathered there once again
Announcer: Get ready for "Must Shit TV"! Starting now, four straight hours of pure shit! It's all live!
Scene Description: On the set of the Drew Carey show. Drew and Mimi are onstage, with Drew sitting at his desk
Drew: Hey! Heh, shit! Heh. [studio audience laughs] Ya ain't shit.
Mimi: Yeah. Dude, ya ain't shit! [more laughs]
HBC President: This is it. My greatest work.
Scene Description: Excalibur, inside. The barker leads Chef and the boys down a hall and run into a waitress dressed as a damsel
Waitress: Cocktails. Cocktails.
Barker: These Americans wish to see the Skire!
Waitress: Let us make haste to the inner sanctum!
Scene Description: Excalibur, the hallway to the Inner Sanctum. The barker and waitress lead Chef and the boys through
Barker: How could you foolish Americans bring the wrath of scorn by mass-chanting the word of wretchedness?!
Chef: Uh, yeah. We didn't mean to.
Barker: Didn't you realize "shit" is a curse word?!
Stan: Well, yeah, but I don't think that we knew "curse word" meant... curse word.
Barker: Ha! Leave it to Americans to think that "no" means yes, "pissed" means angry, and "curse word" means something other than a word that's cursed!!
Scene Description: The Inner Sanctum. The group enters and walks towards the sorcerer
Sorcerer: Let me see the stone. [takes it and walks off to his right]
Chef: But I don't get it. People use curse words all the time.
Barker: Saying a word of curse once in a while does nothing. It's only when spoken repeatedly and en masse that the curse takes place.
Sorcerer: [now seated at a table with a book of runes open] I've seen this before. Stones that were used by the Knights of Standards and Practices.
Chef: Knights of Standards and Practices?
Sorcerer: A legion of men sworn to do whatever necessary to keep the words at bay. But... they were just a myth.
Scene Description: South Park, bar, night. The men watch the Drew Carey Show
Mimi: You know what? You're dumb as shit!
Drew: Oh yeah?! Well, I don't really give a shit!
Randy: Ya know, that word's kind of getting old. It's not really... funny anymore.
Man 7: Yeah, they're gonna have to come up with a new swear word soon.
Mr. Garrison: Well, they can't use "fag". Because you can't say "fag" unless you're a homosexual.
Randy: Really? So we can't say ***?
Mr. Garrison: No. See, you got beeped.
Man 7: You mean you have to be a *** to say ***?
Mr. Garrison: That's right.
Jimbo: Well, that's not fair! I should be able to say "fag". [realizes he wasn't beeped]
Randy: ...Hey, you didn't get beeped.
Jimbo: Uh oh.
Mr. Garrison: Well, well, well! Guess we learned something new about you, Jimbo, you freakin' fag! You wanna make out or something?
Drew: [shown] Oh, man, I am up shit creek.
Scene Description: On the set of the Drew Carey show. The door to stage C opens and in gallop the knights with swords drawn
Mimi: Serves you right, shit-for-brains!
Drew: Yeah, how could I be such a dumb sh-
Lead Knight: Say not the word of curse! [throws his sword at Drew. The sword enters through Drew's mouth and out the left side of his head. The handle forces him off his chair and onto a cubicle wall]
HBC President: What the?
Mimi: [rushing in] Holy shit! [another knight chops Mimi's head off from behind]
Scene Description: South Park, bar, night. The men watch the Drew Carey Show
Mr. Garrison: Oh boy, this show is really reaching for plot now!
Scene Description: Excalibur, the Inner Sanctum. The Sorcerer continues with the mythology of the knights.
Sorcerer: The knights were formed to keep curse words to a minimum. Should a curse word ever be let out, they would return. A rune for each word of curse was made, representing each of the eight words that so offended God...
Stan: Look, there's the F-word.
Kyle: And asshole.
Cartman: I knew it! Meecrob! [the word is shown in close-up] Meecrob is a curse word! God must hate it as much as I do!
Sorcerer: Look at this: The writing here claims this stone can defeat the evil Geldon [the page he reads from show a dragon], who will rise when the word of curse has been said enough times to give him power. Then all the world will be destroyed.
Stan: All the world destroyed?
Cartman: My house, too?
Chef: Oh no!
Sorcerer: What?
Chef: Tonight is the "Night of a Million Shits" on HBC! It's gonna be said over and over!
Sorcerer: Then we haven't much time. We must go!
Scene Description: On the set of the Drew Carey show. The blond knight approaches the cameraman
Blond Knight: Turn off those devices of broadcast!
HBC President: What is going on here?! Stop this shit!
Blond Knight: We are the Royal Order of Standards and Practices! [a bald knight joins him]
Bald Knight: We command you to stop saying the curse word!
HBC President: Listen, Mr. Shinypants, I am the head of this network, and I will say "shit" all I want! Shit, shit, shit shit shit, shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit, [gasp. A rumble is heard], shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit! [stops. The rumble gets very loud and the ground begins to heave, as if an earthquake is occuring. The ground splits open and the Geldon rises from it. The audience screams as the Geldon breathes real fire out at them.]Oh, shit!
Scene Description: South Park, bar, night. The TV screen is show, with the HBC logo.
Announcer: And now, back to Must Shit TV, here on HBC.
Scene Description: On the set of the Drew Carey show. The terror continues - the knights fight the geldon valiantly.
Lead Knight: He is too strong! We cannot fight him without the rune stone!
Director 1: My, my GOD, sir! What have you unleashed upon the world?!
HBC President: I didn't know. [begins to weep into his hands] I didn't know!!!
Scene Description: South Park, bar, night. The men watch in increasing disbelief
Randy: I, I can't follow this shitty storyline at all.
Scene Description: On the set of the Drew Carey show. The terror continues, but Chef and the boys arrive
Kyle: Wait! [the Geldon lets loose another blast of fire]
Cartman: [as the Geldon sets more fires] Oh boy, that thing has really got sand in it's vagina! [one knight's horse's tail is on fire.]
Lead Knight: The rune stone! Point it towards Geldon! [Kyle does as ordered, and a flash of light emanates from the rune stone, stunning the Geldon]
Geldon: Agh. Dude, lame. Lame! [the ground opens up again and the Geldon drops down into the hole] Bummer, dudes. [the ground closes up again]
Cartman: What a stupid voice.
Kyle: It's okay. The curse has been lifted. [the audience falls silent. Kyle and Stan are on stage.]
Stan: Yeah. We all gotta make sure it doesn't come back.
Kyle: You see, we've learned something today. Swearing can be fun, but doing it all the time causes a lot of problems.
Scene Description: Cut to Kyle's home, where he's on TV
Kyle: We're all saying the S-word too much! [Ike hops in]
Ike: Kyle.
Sheila: [on the sofa with Gerald] Look, Gerald. Kyle's on television! [she's sewing as he reads the paper]
Gerald: [doesn't look up] Uh huh.
Scene Description: Cut to the old folks' home
Kyle: The knights of Standards and Practices were created to make sure that bad words were kept to a minimum. "Curse words" They're called that because they are a curse. We have to go back to only using curse words in rare, extreme circumstances.
Stan: And besides, too much use of a dirty word takes away from its... impact. We believe in free speech and all that, but... keeping a few words taboo just adds to the fun of English.
Cartman: [camera cuts to him] So please, everyone, From now on you've got to try and watch your language. [murmurs and a smattering of applause come from the audience.]
Scene Description: South Park, bar, night. The men think over the boys' message
The men: [one by one] Yeah.
Randy: That makes sense.
Colleague 1: Ain't that right?
Mr. Garrison: Is this still part of the show?
Scene Description: On the set of the Drew Carey show. The place is calm now.
HBC President: We're sorry, noble knights of Standards and Practices. [the knights and the executives approach each other] From now on, we will obey your laws.
Blond Knight: See that you do!
Chef: I'm very proud of you, children. Let's all go home and find a nice white woman to make love to.
Stan: Yeah! And Kenny didn't die!
Kenny: (Yeah, I didn't- [he kneels over, his intestines pouring out over the sound stage]
Stan: Holy shi- [quickly taps his mouth with his hands and releases] poop.
Cartman: Hah, I love you guys.