Scene Description: The bus stop. Kenny, Kyle, and Stan are waiting for the bus
Stan: Dude! The bus will be here any minute, and Cartman didn't show up for school.
Kyle: Yeah. This is like the third day in a row. I wonder what's wrong
Kenny: (Perhaps, he's just too big to get out of bed.)
Scene Description: The three laugh.
Kyle: Yeah.
Stan: Maybe we should ditch school and go check on him.
Scene Description: The bus pulls up.
Ms. Crabtree: Come on, we're running late!
Stan: We're not getting on, you fat ugly bitch!
Ms. Crabtree: What did you say?!
Stan: I said: We're not getting on, you fat ugly bitch.
Ms. Crabtree: Oh. Alright, then.
Scene Description: She closes the door and drives away.
Kyle: Whoa, dude.
Stan: I always wondered if that would work.
Scene Description: The boys approach Cartman's house. Kyle rings the bell.
Liane: Hello, boys.
Kyle: Hi. We were wondering why fat-ass [Mitt to mouth.] I mean, Cartman, hasn't been showing up for school.
Liane: Ooooh, he's just been feeling under the weather. Maybe you boys can cheer him up. He's in the backyard.
Stan: In the backyard?
Scene Description: In the backyard. A classical piece plays as the camera looks at the picnic table left over from Cartman's birthday. Cartman is at table surrounded by four dolls: he is hosting a tea party. Think Mr. Hat, then the Mad Hatter...
Cartman: Would you like some more tea, Polly Prissy Pants?
Polly: Yes, Eric, I would like some tea. Thank you.
Cartman: You're very welcome, Polly Prissy Pants.
Scene Description: The boys pop up over some bushes and look at Cartman from a distance.
Cartman: Would you like some tea, Clyde Frog?
Clyde: Yes, please, Eric. Why are you so cool?
Cartman: Oh. I don't know, Clyde Frog. I just am.
Polly: You are so strong and smart, Eric. Everybody likes you.
Cartman: Why, thank you, Polly Prissy Pants. How nice of you. [Sips.]
Stan: [Behind the bushes with the others.] Dude, this is pretty fucked up right here.
Kenny: (I think if we run, try to get Eric to drop his tea.)
Kyle: Come on! Let's go make fun of him!
Stan: No, dude. This look really serious. I think we'd better get help.
Kyle: Really?
Peter: [Back at table.] We like ya, Eric. You are the coolest guy in the world. This is tremendous tea.
Cartman: Why, thank you, Peter Panda. This is Distinctive Earl Grey.
Polly: Eric is the best!
Clyde: Hooray for Eric!
Peter: Eric kicks ass!
Scene Description: At school, the Counselor's office. The boy who saw the counselor in December is back, but then, so is Kyle.
Kyle: Mr. Mackey, something's really wrong with Cartman.
Mr. Mackey: Oh, well, there's a news flash!
Stan: Nono. We saw him having a tea party with his stuffed animals.
Kyle: Yeah. He was doing their voices and pouring tea for them.
Mr. Mackey: Oooh okay... Eric is obviously suffering from some kind of emotional distress, m'kay?
Kyle: Woo-whataya mean?
Mr. Mackey: Have you boys noticed anything recently that troubled Eric?
Stan: No.
Mr. Mackey: Well-obviously something is bothering him. [looks left] Oh, of course!
Scene Description: Mr. Mackey walks over to a shelf.
Mr. Mackey: My video camera! Boys, if you could videotape Eric's behavior, then I can study him psychologically and find out what's wrong, m'kay?
Stan: Is that legal?
Mr. Mackey: Oh, hell yes!
Scene Description: Back at Cartman's Tea Party.
Cartman: My goodness, that's a lovely dress you are wearing, Polly Prissy Pants.
Polly: Oh, thank you, Eric. You are a perfect gentleman, and you are smart and true.
Peter: Yes, Eric, you are strong and smart and true. Everybody likes you very much.
Cartman: That's niiice, Peter Panda.
Scene Description: Stan and Kyle are back at the bushes with Mr. Mackey's camera.
Stan: Dude, this is going to be the funniest tape ever made.
Kyle: How much do you think Mr. Mackey needs?
Stan: I donnow, just keep rolling.
Cartman: More tea, Rumpertumskin?
Rumpertumskin: Yes, please, Eric. You are tough and handsome.
Cartman: Thank you, Rumpertumskin. And what do you think about me, Clyde Frog?
Clyde: I think you're a big fat piece of crap.
Scene Description: Cartman, confused of how to take that.
Cartman: Eeeyy!
Scene Description: Cartman's house, later that night. Cartman and his mom are dining when Mr. Kitty comes by.
Kitty: Meow.
Cartman: No, Kitty, this is my corned beef cabbage!
Kitty: Meow.
Cartman: No, Kitty, that's a bad kitty!
Kitty: Hhhhhcck!
Liane: How is your beefy roast, snookums?
Cartman: Mom? Can I ask you a question?
Liane: Sure, hon.
Cartman: You know how my friend Stan, has... a dad?
Liane: Uh huuuh.
Cartman: And my friend Kyle has - a dad, and my friend Kenny has a dad?
Liane: Yyeess??
Scene Description: They look at each other for a long time.
Liane: Well, what's your question, hon?
Cartman: God-dammit!! Do I have a dad?!
Liane: Oooooohh.
Cartman: I want to know where I came from.
Liane: Ooohh, hhmmm [Finger to lips.]. Wwell - yyou see, Eric, sometimes when a man and a woman are... attracted to each other, they want to be... close to each other.
Cartman: Uh huuh.
Liane: And sometimes the man puts his who-who-dilly in the woman's cha-cha.
Scene Description: Cartman and his mom look at each other, Kitty looks at them both.
Cartman: So who put his who-who-dilly in your cha-cha?
Liane: Eric, the day I met your father it was like - magic! It was a beautiful autumn night when the aspen trees were turning, at the Twelfth Annual Drunken Barn Dance.
Scene Description: A flashback sequence begins where a barn appears with a banner: 12th Annual Drunken Barn Dance. Cows are standing around while music and light emanate from inside the barn.
Liane: I was young and naive then...
Scene Description: Liane is seen downing a very tall flask of beer.
Man: Man, I've never seen a woman drink that much-you're amazing, Ms. Cartman.
Liane: Oh, heck. I haven't even started yet. He-he. [The band ends its tune.] I baked cookiees; would anybody like one?! [She stands next to Barbrady.]
Trainee Barbrady: I wouldn't mind gettin' ahold of your cookies, Ms. Cartman!
Liane: [Breathlessly.] Well, go right ahead, Officer Barbrady.
Trainee Barbrady: [Takes a cookie and bites into it.] Mm, that's a good cookie! [The band resumes playing.]
Jimbo: Come on everybody, let's do the Drunken Barn Dance!
Scene Description: A duck falls from the ceiling and everybody takes their bottles of beer and toast the occasion. They drop their empty bottles, and Ned ends up falling where he stands.
Liane: And then I saw him. He was the most beautiful, charming piece of ass I'd ever seen in South Park. His name... was Chief Running Water.
Scene Description: The crowd separates to reveal a handsome Indian entering the dance. A song begins.
Singing: There you are, like a throbbing star. I want you to make love to me.
Scene Description: Ms. Cartman and the Chief focus in on each other, then walk to each other, then bump into each other. Ms. Cartman falls, then gets up, vomits, and starts dancing with the Chief.
Liane: I don't recall exactly how the rest of the night went, but the next morning I was pregnant with you, my little blueberry muffin.
Cartman: So where is Chief Running Water-I mean, Dad, now?
Liane: Oh I never saw him after that. Ah-I wasn't really that interested in him.
Cartman: [Weighs the story.] That isn't a very romantic story, Mom.
Liane: I heard he still lives on the Ute reservation just outside of town.
Cartman: Well. To think all this time I'm actually a Native American.
Kitty: Meow.
Cartman: No, Kitty, that's a bad kitty!!
Scene Description: Stan's house. Grandpa, Stan, Kyle, and Kenny are watching TV.
Annoncer: Coming this Sunday, [Music begins to play.] a major television event that will blow you away. Terrance. Phillip.
Scene Description: The title screen appears.
Announcer: In the harrowing made-for-TV drama, Not Without My Anus, based on a true story.
Terrance: Hey, Phillip. I have to go to Iraq and find my kidnapped daughter.
Phillip: Then I'm going to go with you, Terrance.
Scene Description: He farts. They both laugh, the music starts up again.
Annoncer: See Canada's hottest stars on the HBC movie of the week.
Stan: Wow, check it out, dude. We have to remember to tape Not Without My Anus next week!
Kyle: Yeah, dude. It looks riveting.
Scene Description: Grandpa starts flipping channels.
Stan: Come on Grandpa. We wanna watch Terrance and Phillip.
Grandpa: No, Billy. We're gonna watch the Bob Saget show.
Stan: Aaawww.
Kyle: [At the same time.] Hunh?
Annoncer: And now, back to America's Stupidest Home Videos. Here is you host, Bob Saget!
Bob Saget: Hey, I just flew into the studio.
Scene Description: He flaps his right arm like he actually flew in.
Bob Saget: Boy are my arms tired. Heheh. Heh.
Scene Description: Grandpa laughs, but no one in the studio audience is.
Bob Saget: Wha, Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? 'Cause he didn't have the guts.
Scene Description: Only he and Grandpa laugh.
Bob Saget: Knock knock.
Scene Description: The audience stays silent.
Bob Saget: Bob.
Scene Description: Audience is silent.
Bob Saget: Bob Saget..
Scene Description: He chuckles to himself. As if on cue, the audience breaks into laughter and some members fall over. Grandpa falls over, too, and laughs his ass off for a minute or so.
Stan: This guy sucks!
Scene Description: The bell rings and he goes to answer it.
Kyle: Yeah. He's almost as bad as that guy on Full House.
Scene Description: Stan opens the door to find Cartman
Stan: Cartman? What the hell are you doing dressed up like an Indian with a bear necklace?
Cartman: [Indian music plays.] Native American, Stan, and the bear is very important to my people.
Scene Description: He's dressed in Indian clothes (including tassels), with a headband holding three feathers, and an eagle necklace, not a bear one.
Stan: What??
Scene Description: Kyle and Kenny reach the door, look at Cartman, and crack up.
Cartman: Hey! The white man has marred my people long enough! You keep your God-damned mouth shut!
Scene Description: The boys are quiet.
Cartman: Stan, I need your bike in order to ride over to the reservation.
Stan: What are you talking about, Cartman?!
Cartman: My name isn't Eric Cartman, it's Eric Running Water. Now, can I borrow your bike, or do I have to kick you in the nuts and steal it?
Stan: Go ahead, dude.
Scene Description: Cartman turns left and leaves to get the bike. The other three return to the sofa to watch TV.
Kyle: Man. Cartman's more screwed up than I thought.
Stan: Yeah. We'd better get this videotape over to Mr. Mackey, quick!
Bob Saget: Just a free li'l reminder to all of you out there: send us your stupidest home videos. Grand prize for this month will be $10,000. [Chuckles.]
Grandpa: Ten thousand dollars? Holy smokes.
Kyle: Wow, I wish we had a stupidest home video.
Scene Description: They realize that they do, then look at the videotape, and smile.
Scene Description: UTE Native American Reservation.
Chief Running Water: ...And Bear cried to Eagle-
Indian 1: Running Water, there is some kid here to see you.
Chief Running Water: What kid?
Indian 1: He claims to be your kid.
Scene Description: Cartman squeezes his way into the campfire circle.
Cartman: Hiya, Dad!
Chief Running Water: Who the hell are you?
Cartman: I'm your son, Eric. My mom says you put your who-who-dilly in her cha-cha, at the Drunken Barn Dance.
Chief Running Water: Your mother?
Cartman: Liane Cartman.
Chief Running Water: Cartman? Hohoho. Oh boy, I was worried there for a second. [Suddenly serious.] Look, kid, I'm not your father.
Cartman: But my mom says you're the guy she was with.
Chief Running Water: Kid, I hate to break this to you, but your mother is what we Native Americans refer to as, 'Bear with Wiiide Canyon.'
Cartman: Whatooya mean?
Chief Running Water: She is, 'Doe who cannot keep legs together.'
Cartman: Huh??
Chief Running Water: Your mom's a slut.
Scene Description: The other Utes on either side of him nod in agreement.
Cartman: Eeyy!!
Chief Running Water: Don't feel too bad. Your mom was just too drunk to remember what happened. Let me tell you.
Scene Description: He flashes back to the 12th Annual Drunken Barn Dance.
Chief Running Water: We got tired of dancing, so we went off to find a private spot.
Chief Running Water: There you are...
Chief Running Water: I knew that she wanted me, because she kept saying romantic things.
Liane: Oh, Chief. I want your hot man chowder.
Chief Running Water: Whoa, Helloooh!!
Scene Description: They start kissing. A man vomits and passes out.
Liane: [Interrupting the action.] Wait. Wait.
Scene Description: She looks towards the entrance, and the Chief rolls back.
Liane: ] Who is that?
Scene Description: Some funk plays as Chef makes his entrance and waves hello to everyone. She looks at Chef.
Singing: There you are like a throbbing star-
Scene Description: Now these two focus in on each other.
Liane: Chief... could you excuse me for a minute?
Chief Running Water: Huh??
Scene Description: Liane gets up and leaves.
Chief Running Water: You gotta be kidding me.
Liane: [Approaching Chef.] Why hello there. I don't think I've seen you around before. [Flirts with him gently.]
Chef: Nawh. I'm new in town.
Liane: Well, what's a nice, handsome, black [She looks at his crotch. He follows her gaze.] man like yourself doing in a pit like South Park?
Chef: I'm gonna open up my own restaurant here.
Liane: Mmmm-my, how exciting. Would you care to... put your tongue in my mouth?
Chef: Daaamn, baby! You cut right to the chase, don't you?
Liane: Ahah, I'm plastered! [Tongues come out and they start kissing.]
Cartman: [Alone with the Chief] His tongue? Chef?? Chef is my dad??
Chief Running Water: He's the last person I saw with your mom that night.
Cartman: Oh my God! I'm a black African American!
Scene Description: Back in town, the following day. Kenny is trying to start a go-cart.
Stan: Come on, Kenny, get the go-cart going. I wanna ride it.
Kyle: Did you send the videotape to America's Stupidest Home Videos?
Stan: Yeah. I mailed it last night. What sucks is that now I'll have to actually watch that Bob Saget guy to find out if we won.
Kyle: If we win, we can buy a new go-cart that actually runs.
Stan: [With the right hand cupped to the side of his mouth.] Shhh! Here comes Cartman.
Cartman: [With rap beats playing now.] 'S up, homies?
Scene Description: He's dressed in a red jogging suit and white sneakers. He has a large clock hanging off his necklace and sports a high flat-top. On his right hand are some brass knuckles with the work 'PIE' grafted to them.
Stan: Cartman?!
Cartman: I was just down in the SPC kickin' it with some G's on the Westsa-eed-eh.
Kyle: You live on the Eastside, Cartman!
Stan: Dude, I thought you said you were Native American.
Cartman: [Aloofly.] Weh hunh hrhrh hrh huh-right! Like I'm some hippie Indian.
Scene Description: Stan and Kyle just look at him.
Cartman: You know what I'm sayin' G? Check you later-I'm gonna go chill with mide-my dad.
Scene Description: He starts to moonwalk away to the sound of scratchin'.
Stan: Dude. We should be videotaping this. We could make another $10,000.
Scene Description: Kenny finally gets the go-cart going, but is yanked behind it. It won't let him go, and a variation on Mission Impossible begins to play.
Kenny: (Guuyys! Could you please make it stoopp?!!)
Stan, Kyle: Hold on, Kenny!
Kenny: (Oof. Oh this Goddamned freakin'-
Scene Description: He hits a bump on the road.
Kenny: (AARGH.)
Scene Description: The go-cart returns and goes into the snow.
Kenny: (Goddamn, why-)
Scene Description: He goes into a tight grove of trees, then exits.
Kenny: (Oh this freakin'-)
Scene Description: He hits a boulder.
Kenny: (AARGH.)
Scene Description: The go-cart lands upside down on some tracks. Kenny gets up and dusts himself off.
Kenny: (Phew.)
Scene Description: The guys look at him and he waves to them.
Kenny: (Well, I'm fine, guys!)
Scene Description: They smile and wave back.
Kenny: (Now if I can-)
Scene Description: A train strike him and the go-cart, obliterating both.
Stan: Oh my God, they've killed Kenny.
Kyle: You bastards!
Scene Description: Chef's house. Cartman arrives.
Chef: Hello?
Cartman: Yo, Pops!
Chef: [Studying...] Boy, what the fudge are you doin'?
Cartman: You know, jus'... layin' down some rhymes for G-folk, you know what I'm sayin'?
Chef: Get in here! [Drags him in.]
Cartman: Westsa-eed-eh.
Scene Description: Now in the living room with Cartman.
Chef: Take that wig off! [Does it himself.] What's gotten into you?!
Cartman: You're my dad, Chef. Chief Running Water said - you got together with my mom at the Drunken Barn Dance.
Chef: What?! Noh! Uh, did I?
Cartman: He said you kissed her with your tongue.
Chef: Ooooh-ho-ho-hoh hohohohoh, that's different. Women don't get pregnant from tongue-kissing, children.
Cartman: [Dejected.] Huho. So you're not my dad?
Chef: Of course not. Here. You children sit down,
Scene Description: Chef props him up on a stool.
Chef: ...and let me explain somethin' to you about where babies come from. THEN, you'll see why I can't be your dad. When a man loves a woman, and a woman loves a man, Actually, sometimes a man doesn't love a woman, buut...he acts like he does, in order to get some action, heheh The magic starts to happen, and the two take off their clothes, that's right, And they caress and touch each other, until the part of the man grows, Oooooooooo And they roll around and now things a-really startuh getting hot, And the man says "I love you" and the woman says "hold on a second, I gotta go to the bathroom" So you wait, and you wait, and you wait and you wait... [Pause.] ...and you wait, and you wait, and you waaaaiit And you wait and you're coolin' down and she's still goin' to the bathroom Finally she comes back, and she says, "Baby, I'm gettin' hot!" And that's when you gotta jam her butt and pump her full of...
Cartman: What?! Who the hell did that to my mom at the Drunken Barn Dance?!
Chef: Oh, children, that was a long time ago. But I'll tell you what I remember.
Scene Description: Back at the Drunken Barn Dance. Chef is kissing Liane on the hay stack.
Liane: Whoa, Chef! [He pulls away a bit.] You're so strong!
Jimbo: Hey, everybody, look who's here! The AFC Champion Denver Broncos!
Scene Description: The barn door opens and the Broncos pour in. Most of them are "hutt-hutting".
Bronco 1: Are we late for the party?
Bronco 2: What the hell town is this?
Singing: There you are, like a throbbing star. I want-
Liane: Oooohh, Chef! Woooo, Chef!
Chef: Damn, woman, what's gotten into you?!
Liane: Woooh! Whooppee!! [She throws her arms out in ecstasy.] Unhh!
Scene Description: A hand appears from under the hay. Chef grabs it and pulls the rest of the body up.
Chef: Garrison! What the hell are you doing?!
Mr. Garrison: You're drunk, Mr. Hat!
Scene Description: Mr. Garrison is rather pleased that he did quite a bit without getting caught. Liane now looks at Mr. Garrison.
Singing: There you are-
Chef: Ooooh, man! I'm outta here!
Liane: Come on, Chef! Haven't you ever heard of a menage o'three?
Chef: Yeah! When two women are involved. [Moves away.]
Mr. Garrison: Damn, Damn, Damn!! Oh well, I guess it'll just have to be you and me, Ms. Cartman.
Scene Description: He moves quickly on top of her and starts kissing her.
Chef: And that's... who she was with last! Mr. Garrison!
Cartman: No! Noooooo! No, God, Nooo!
Scene Description: Stan's house that afternoon. He, Kyle, and Grandpa are once again looking at TV
Announcer: And now, back to America's Stupidest Home Videos-
Bob Saget: Here's a video sent to us that shows a very disturbed little boy.
Cartman: Why, thank you Polly Prissy Pants. You are my best friend.
Scene Description: The audience is watching.
Polly: I think you are one of the coolest people in the world, Eric. And you are not fat at all.
Scene Description: The audience starts to laugh.
Cartman: Really? You don't think so?
Clyde: Naw, you're not fat.
Cartman: [Grabs a teacup.] Gee, that's kewl.
Scene Description: The audience is laughing harder. Stan and Kyle are laughing with the audience, and Stan's parents appear.
Sharon: Aww, Stanley. We just heard the news that your little friend Kenny was killed by a train this morning.
Stan: Huh? [Looks up at them.] Oh yeah.
Randy: Is there-uh anything we can do for you, son?
Stan: How 'bout some ice cream?
Kyle: Yeah, with butterscotch.
Scene Description: Stan nods in agreement.
Sharon: You bet, you poor dears.
Bob Saget: Now, the moment you've all been waiting for, when one of our lucky videos qualifies for the $10,000 Grand Prize to be chosen tomorrow night! The winner is [Drumroll crescendo.] Little Boy's Tea Party.
Kyle: Woohoo!
Stan: Oh, yeah! We're gonna be in the finals!
Kyle: We're gonna win $10,000! [Grandpa doesn't look pleased...]
Stan: Man! Cartman's gonna be famous! [Kyle dances gleefully.]
Scene Description: The Bar. Mr. McCormick and Mr. Garrison are at the bar.
Mr. Garrison: Well, I guess we should go, Mr. Hat.
Mr. Hat: Oh, just one more Cosmopolitan, Mr. Garrison.
Mr. Garrison: Mr. Hat, you need to admit you have a drinking problem! [To the barkeep.] Another Cosmo, please.
Scene Description: Cartman barges in throwing the bar doors open.
Cartman: All this time! Why didn't you tell me, father?!
Mr. Garrison: What the hell are you talking about, Eric?
Cartman: It was you all along. You were with my mother the night of the Drunken Barn Dance!
Mr. Garrison: [Gasps.] Oh.
Jimbo: Garrison? That's impossible. He's gay.
Mr. Garrison: I am not gay!
Cartman: Then you did sleep with my mom?
Mr. Garrison: No!
Jimbo: He's gay!!
Mr. Garrison: Okay, Okay! I admit it! I might have made love to your mother at the Drunken Barn Dance! But who here didn't?!
Scene Description: Everything stops and gasps are heard.
Mr. Garrison: Now come on, honestly. Who here has never had sex with Mrs. Cartman?
Scene Description: Two men at a table look around and get shocked. Principal Victoria and Mayor McDaniels are seen next.
Principal Victoria: Oooooh.
Mayor McDaniels: [At the same time] Hmmm.
Scene Description: Jesus and Father Maxi look shocked as well. No one moves.
Grizzled Man: I haven't.
Mr. Garrison: ...You don't count, Halfy-you don't have any legs!
Halfy: Oh. Yeah.
Mr. Garrison: So you see, Eric, anyone here could be your father. I'm afraid you're never going to know.
Scene Description: Cartman slumps and Jimbo takes pity on him.
Jimbo: [Approaching him.] Don't feel too bad there, kid. I never knew who my father was either. I mean, I did know who he was and well, we had some great times together in huntin' and fishin' whe-well, hell, you know what I mean.
Scene Description: A dirge plays as Cartman heads out of the bar. Jimbo and Mr. Garrison look on, as do Jesus and Father Maxi.
Mephesto: Wait, wait. [Cartman stops.] I know a way to find out.
Scene Description: He is at the bar with his little friend, Kevin.
Cartman: [Turns around.] How?
Mephesto: At my laboratory. We can do DNA genetic testing. I'll take some of your blood along with the blood of everyone here, and we can determine who your father is.
Cartman: Really? You can? [The dirge turns hopeful.]
Mephesto: Yes, of course! I mean, that much testing will cost a pretty penny but...
Cartman: How much?
Mephesto: Three thousand should cover it.
Cartman: I don't have $3000.
Mephesto: Oh. Never mind.
Scene Description: The bus stop, next day. Stan and Kyle are waiting.
Stan: Dude! I can't wait to win that $10,000 on America's Stupidest Home Videos. I'm gonna buy the coolest go-cart ever.
Kyle: I'm gonna buy a Walkman with my half.
Cartman: [Depressed.] Hi guys.
Stan: How's it going, Cartman?
Cartman: Oh, fine. How are you guys?
Scene Description: Kyle looks at Stan, both are worried.
Kyle: Dude. What the hell is wrong with you?
Cartman: Ohh. Nothing. It's just... nothing.
Stan: Come on, what's the matter, Cartman?
Cartman: Well, I wanna know who my dad is, but... to find out they have to do these DNA tests, and they cost $3000 and... I don't have $3000.
Stan: Wow. We're sorry your mom's a whore, dude.
Cartman: Yeah, it sucks. I have to know who my father is, I just have to. Maybe I can work in a sweatshop for a while uh...
Scene Description: Stan and Kyle look at each other again, seeing who'll make a move first.
Cartman: Well, see you guys. I'm gonna go stay in my backyard for a while.
Kyle: Uuuh, Cartman. We know how you can get $3000.
Cartman: [Suddenly bright.] You do?
Stan: Yyeah. We have a videotape that's in the finals for America's Stupidest Home Videos, and... if we win, we'll give you - 3000 of out $10,000 prize.
Cartman: You will? Wow, you guys are the best! Thank you guys!
Stan: Uh, yyeah.
Scene Description: Cartman's house that night. The boys are on the sofa.
Announcer: And now, back to America's Stupidest Home Videos-
Cartman: What kind of video did you guys make?
Stan: Uuh, you'll see.
Bob Saget: Well, it's time to crown the $10,000 winner. Our judges have narrowed it down to only three videos-first it's... "Dog Who Puts Hat On Master's Head."
Falsetto Bob Saget: Oh, I'm a little dog. I'm just a little dog. [The dog picks up a hat and walks towards a man on a chair.] Hahaha. [Leaps up behind the man and drops the hat in place.] Hold on, I've got to put a hat on my master's head, [Jumps off, and the man turns to see the camera.] hehehahahuh.
Scene Description: The audience laughs. One woman with red curly hair is particularly tickled by the video.
Bob Saget: And now our second finalist, "Little Boy Has A Tea Party."
Scene Description: Cartman reacts to what he sees on screen, which is a video of his tea party two days before.
Cartman: Why, thank you Polly Prissy Pants. You are my best friend.
Polly: Oh, thank you, Eric.
Scene Description: The audience starts to laugh. Cartman is shocked, and Kyle, seeing Cartman's reaction, is afraid.
Bob Saget: Boy! Looks like this kid needs some therapy! Heheheheheh, heheheh.
Stan: We're sure to win, Cartman. Then you get your DNA money!
Scene Description: Cartman's anger is beginning to build.
Cartman: I... am... so... pissed... off... right... now.
Kyle: [Trying some encouragement] They laughed hardest at our video. We're gonna win!
Scene Description: Stan smiles, Kyle throws his arms up.
Kyle: We're gonna win!.
Bob Saget: And finally our third contestant, "Young Child Gets Hit By A Train."
Falsetto Bob Saget: Oh, I'm such a cute little kid.
Scene Description: It is the scene where Kenny gets killed. Stan and Kyle are shocked, Cartman is angrier.
Falsetto Bob Saget: Hmmm, I wonder if I can get this go-cart started.
Scene Description: The go-cart starts and pulls Kenny along 'round a corner, back again, into some tree, and finally onto the railroad tracks.
Falsetto Bob Saget: Oh! I hope I don't get hit by a train.
Scene Description: The train demolishes him.
Falsetto Bob Saget: Ooooh, I sure did.
Scene Description: Stan and Kyle are agape, and the audience roars with laughter.
Stan: Oh my God, they videotaped killing Kenny!
Kyle: You bastards!
Bob Saget: Now, that's what I call a joyride. Heeheeheeh.
Scene Description: The audience continues laughing.
Bob Saget: And the winner is, naturally, "Little Boy Being Hit By A Train,"
Scene Description: Stan is stunned, Kyle is cross.
Bob Saget: Nnnnhnnnhnnnh.
Scene Description: The audience laughs harder.
Stan: Dude. We lost.
Kyle: Dammit!
Cartman: [Slowly, deliberately.] I am going to fucking kill you guys, seriously.
Scene Description: Getting more livid with every word.
Bob Saget: Stand up and take a bow, Mr. Marsh.
Grandpa: I won! I won!
Scene Description: Stan's eyes grow large.
Stan: Grandpa!!
Bob Saget: Our other finalists will have to settle for their $3000 runner-up prizes-well, see you next time.
Scene Description: He chuckles as the show ends.
Kyle: Did you hear that, dude? We still get $3000. That's enough for you to do your DNA test.
Scene Description: Cartman is very livid now.
Cartman: Kill... you... guys! Kill you guys!!
Scene Description: South Park Genetic Engineering Ranch. Thunder and lightning abound.
Mephesto: All right. From everyone's accounts, I've narrowed down Eric's possible father... to the people in this room: Officer Barbrady, Chef [Blinks up.], Jimbo [A bit shocked.], Mr. Garrison [Eyebrows up.], Ned, Chief Running Water, Gerald Broflovski [Surprised.], myself, my friend Kevin [Looks up at him.], or, the 1989 Denver Broncos.
Stan: Wow. I always knew Cartman's mom was a slut, but Goddamn!
Mephesto: The test results are in this envelope.
Scene Description: Cartman is hopeful.
Mephesto: Shall I... open it?
Mr. Garrison: [Impatiently.] Yes! For God's sake, get on with it!
Mephesto: Erhum ehrum uh [Gasps.] The father of Eric Cartman is indeed, someone in this room. The father is-
Announcer: [An organ plays.] Who is Eric Cartman's father? Is it - Chief Running Water? [Looks askance.] Or is it - Chef? Is it Mephesto? [Looks around.] Or that little monkey guy that follows him around? Or is it Mr. Garrison?
Jimbo: Nope. He's gay.
Mr. Garrison: You go to hell! You go to hell and you die!
Announcer: Is it Jimbo?
Jimbo: [Aghast.] Daaagh!
Announcer: Or is Officer Barbrady?
Officer Barbrady: Huh?! Where?!
Announcer: Or could it be Ned?
Ned: Could be.
Announcer: Or Mr. Broflovski??
Kyle: [Pissed.] Dad, how could you?!
Announcer: Or is it the 1991 Denver Broncos? The answer is coming on an all-new South Park, in just four weeks.
Cartman: [Record scratches.] What?! [Enunciating] Son of a bitch!


Scene Description: South Park.
Announcer 1: Since the last South Park, you've waited four long weeks to find out who the father of Eric Cartman is. Now, finally, the shocking truth about Cartman's lineage... will not be seen tonight, so that we can bring you the following special presentation.
Scene Description: SPECIAL PRESENTATIONAPRIL FOOLS[A kazoo is heard.]'
Announcer 2: [Theme music plays.] Now, get ready for Canada's hottest action stars,
Scene Description: Terrance and Phillip appear in turn.
Announcer 2: Terrance and Phillip in HBC's Movie of the Week:
Scene Description: The title comes into view and a heavy bass thump is heard.
Announcer 2: Not Without My Anus. Based on a true story.
Scene Description: Canadian Courthouse 10:18 A.M. Dramatic music plays as the camera zooms in on the courthouse.
Scott the Dick: Ladies and gentlemen, the case before you today is of a murderer. On the night in question, this monster entered the home of Dr. Jeffrey O'Dwyer and struck him repeatedly on the head with his hammer.
Scene Description: He demonstrates this
Scott: That monster is sitting right over there, and his name is Terrance!
Scene Description: Suspenseful notes play. Terrance farts and both he and Phillip laugh about it.
Phillip: Oh, Terrance, You farted in court.
Terrance: Yes, Phillip. I'm making a case for our defense. [They laugh again.]
Scott: [Approaching the displays.] All of these things link Terrance to the murder: hair fibers, blood samples, nail clippings, a piece of his shirt,
Scene Description: A hole is seen on the left shoulder of Terrance's shirt. He quickly puts his right hand over it and looks around nervously.
Scott: a watch with his initials on it, a day planner with the murder scheduled, a haiku called, Time to Kill Dr. Jeffrey O'Dwyer. "Dr. O'Dwyer Time to have your head smashed in with my new hammer."
Scene Description: Terrance is aghast at the mountain of evidence against him..
Scott: Terrance, you may be a famous surgeon, but you're not God. J'accuse, Terrance.
Terrance: Would you like a monkey claw, Phillip?
Phillip: Yes, please.
Scene Description: Terrance farts and has the jury laughing.
Terrance: That's called the monkey claw because it feels like my colon is being ripped apart by a thousand monkeys.
Phillip: The monkey claw is smelly.
Judge: [Bangs his gavels twice.] Come on, get a move on. I ain't gettin' any younger up here.
Phillip: My sentiments exactly, Your Honor. I see from your actions that you're southern Canadian.
Judge: That is correct.
Phillip: Good people of the jury. My client, Terrance, is an innocent man. [Farts.]
Terrance: Oh, Phillip, now you farted during the closing argument.
Phillip: I have, haven't I, Terrance?
Scene Description: He farts again. The jurors and Terrance laugh.
Scott: Your Honor, the defense is trying to make a mockery of this court! They think that farts are funny, but they're not! [Thumps the table.]
Judge: [Gavels] Sustained.
Phillip: Good people of the jury. My client, Terrance, is no more a murderer than you or me. He loves puppies and hates mean things. Would a murderer go to the zoo and feed animals like this?
Scene Description: Shows a picture of Terrance feeding a llama. The jury is silent.
Phillip: Of course not. So in summation, find Terrance innocent. Or else he'll kill you.
Scene Description: The jury gasps softly. Terrance and Phillip laugh.
Phillip: Just kidding.
Scene Description: Terrance is laughing so hard he thumps the table twice.
Phillip: The defense rests.
Scene Description: Phillip returns to his table, farting on Scott on the way over. The jurors and audience laugh.
Scott: Goddammit! That isn't funny!
Judge: Madame Foreperson, have you reached a verdict so we can get the hell outta here?
Madame Foreperson: We have, Your Honor. We have found Terrance, in the above entitled action of murder against Dr. Jeffrey O'Dwyer-
Scene Description: Terrance farts, then laughs. Phillip joins in.
Judge: You're gonna have to repeat that verdict because we have some flatulence issues.
Madame Foreperson: I said, we find-
Scene Description: Terrance farts.
Madame Foreperson: We find Terrance-
Scene Description: Terrance and Phillip fart.
Madame Foreperson: Not guilty!!
Phillip: Did you hear that, Terrance? You're not guilty.
Terrance: Oh, Phillip, you saved me from the gas chamber.
Scene Description: They look at each other for a moment, and laugh.
Scene Description: Outside the courthouse. Terrance and Phillip descend the steps, which are lined with news crews ready to interrogate anyone who wants to talk.
Terrance: That sure was fun, Phillip. Let's go home and eat Kraft Dinner.
Phillip: Hear hear.
Scott: [Coming over.] Well, looks like you got away with it, Terrance and Phillip!
Phillip: Oh, hello, Scott. No hard feelings, right, old pal?
Scott: There are hard feelings! This isn't over. I'm going ta see to it that you both pay for what you've done. And do you know why?
Phillip: 'Cause you're a dick?
Scott: No, Because I hate you. You think farting is so funny. Well, it isn't!! Fart jokes are the lowest form of comedy, and if I-
Scene Description: Phillip farts; he and Terrance laugh.
Scott: Ugh! I hate you both! I've hated you ever since I could remember! I hate you, and I wish you both had cancer.
Scene Description: The laughter stops quick.
Phillip: Cancer?
Scott: Yes. In the head.
Terrance: Head cancer?
Scott: This is not the end, Terrance and Phillip! You'll rue this day! [Leaves.]
Terrance: Wow, Scott really hates us, Phillip.
Phillip: Yes, perhaps he's homophobic.
Terrance: [Wondering.] But we're not gay, Phillip.
Phillip: We're not? [The news crews leave.]
Terrance: Well, let us board the subway and return home. There we can eat Kraft Dinner.
Phillip: Yes. It's been a long day, and only Kraft Dinner can calm my nerves.
Scene Description: On the subway, Terrance and Phillip are alone. Phillip farts, and they both laugh.
Terrance: Say, Phillip, why does Scott always try to convict me of murder? He does it every week.
Phillip: He sure does seem to hate us. I wonder what he'll try to do next.
Terrance: God only knows.
Phillip: The subway certainly is wonderful, Terrance.
Terrance: It sure is. Let's look for treasure.
Phillip: Yes, let's look for treasure.
Scene Description: This is a luxurious subway. There are compartments between the seats into which one may put belongings and such. Terrance opens the compartment to his left, and Phillip the one to his right. Phillip then opens the one to his left and they both look in.
Scene Description: Scott's House 11:57 A.M. The phone rings and Scott answers.
Scott: Hello?
Voice: Hello, Is this Scott, from Canada?
Scott: Yess, yes it is.
Voice: You're a Journalist, right?
Scott: Yes. I'm a television critic for a magazine.
Voice: I understand that you hate Terrance and Phillip.
Scene Description: The voice is in a dark room, seated in a high-backed chair, turned away from the camera.
Scott: Yes! Yes I do! They think that fart jokes are a sophisticated form of comedy, but they're not!
Voice: Well, what about I help you get rid of them once and for all?
Scott: Who is this?
Voice: Let's just say that I'm someone who can help you, if you help me.
Scene Description: The chair swivels 'round and a familiar face appears...
Voice: Just call me your old pal, Saddam Hussein.
Scott: [Surprised.] Saddam Hussein? The Iraqi dictator?
Scene Description: A Republican Guard stands at either side of Saddam.
Saddam Hussein: Eey, relax guy. I'm just your average Joe. Take a rest.
Scott: What do you want?
Saddam: You want Terrance and Phillip out of Canada, I want you to bring me and my friends in to Canada. That sounds like a fair trade, doesn't it? Super! Let's get started.
Scott: I'm not sure I should trust you.
Saddam: Eeeeeeyy, relax guy! Trust me!
Scene Description: Saddam grins. Scott looks uncertain.
Scene Description: Terrance and Phillip reach home.
Terrance: Well. It's too bad we didn't find any treasure on the subway, Phillip.
Scene Description: Someone approaches.
Phillip: Oh. Hello, Ugly Bob.
Ugly Bob: Hello, Terrance. Hello, Phillip.
Terrance: My God, you're looking hideously ugly today, Ugly Bob.
Ugly Bob: How can you guys say stuff like that?
Terrance: Because you're God-damned ugly, Bob.
Ugly Bob: I know, but-
Phillip: Ugly Bob, your face looks like somebody tried to put out a forest fire with a screwdriver.
Ugly Bob: I can't help how I look. Besides, it's not what on the outside that matters, it's what's on the inside.
Terrance: No it isn't. [They laugh.] Wanna see what's on the inside of me?
Scene Description: Terrance farts. They laugh about it. Bob is unfazed.
Phillip: Wait wait. I've got an idea. Why don't you put this paper bag over your head, Ugly Bob?
Terrance: Yes.
Scene Description: Phillip slips the bag over Bob's head.
Terrance: If people can't see your face, they won't know how wretchedly ugly you are.
Ugly Bob: Really? Hey, thanks, you guys. Maybe now I can score with chicks.
Terrance: Sure you can, Ugly Bob. If they can't see how horribly disfigured you are, they'll want to sleep with you.
Ugly Bob: Thanks, you guys.
Scene Description: They part ways.
Scene Description: Terrance and Phillip's House 12:20 P.M.
Phillip: Hello Barky. Hello Purry.
Barky: Bark, bark.
Purry: Purr, purr.
Phillip: Say Terrance, I was just aboot to make some Kraft Dinner. Would you like some?
Terrance: You know I never turn down Kraft Dinner, Phillip.
Scene Description: Terrance farts. He and the animals laugh.
Terrance: I'm going to put on a pirate costume.
Scene Description: Terrance goes to his room. The door bell rings. Phillip opens the door.
Delivery man: Special delivery for Terrance.
Scene Description: He smokes a pipe. The delivery is a letter.
Phillip: I'll take that.
Delivery man: Sign here, and here, and here, and here, and here. [Signs all the forms.] And here. [Signs the last one.]
Phillip: Ooh, Terrannce! [The delivery man leaves.] You got a letter!
Terrance: [Now dressed as a pirate.] Shiver me timbers, Phillip. At this rate I'll never get to my Kraft Dinner. [Reads the letter.] Oh my God!
Phillip: What is it, Terrance? Did you fart?
Terrance: No! It's Sally. She's being held captive in Iran.
Phillip: Not Sally! Dear God, no, Terrance! Why Sally? God, why? Say, Terrance, who's Sally?
Terrance: My daughter.
Phillip: I never know you had a daughter, Terrance.
Terrance: Oh, yes. Didn't I mention that, me hearty?
Phillip: No, you never did, Terrance.
Terrance: Oh. Well. It all began fifteen years ago.
Scene Description: 44 HOURS LATER...
Phillip: My God, what a fascinating story, Terrance. Especially the part aboot Celine Dion.
Terrance: Yes, indeed. [Takes off the hat.] But now my little Sally is being held captive in Iran. [Takes off the eye patch.] And I will have to go and find her.
Phillip: Then I'll go with you, Terrance.
Terrance: You're such a good friend, Phillip.
Phillip: Well, you know what they say: A friend in need is a friend with Kroff Dinner.
Terrance: Avast there, mateys.
Scene Description: Celine Dion's House 1:15 P.M. Terrance arrives and rings the doorbell.
Terrance: Hello, Celine Dion.
Celine Dion: Terrance, this is quite a surprise.
Terrance: You're looking well.
Celine Dion: And you.
Terrance: Celine, where is our daughter, Sally?
Celine Dion: She's in the Middle East, studying anthropology. Why?
Terrance: Wrong. She's been taken hostage, and is now being held prisoner.
Celine Dion: What?!
Terrance: Phillip and I are going to Iran to find her, but we may never return.
Celine Dion: [Gasps.] Oh, Terrance. What happened to us?
Terrance: We just grew apart, Celine Dion. [He turns to leave.]
Celine Dion: Please, bring our daughter home safe, Terrance.
Scene Description: He farts and they both laugh.
Scene Description: Canadian Airport 11:05 A.M. Terrance and Phillip are there to purchase tickets to Iran.
Phillip: Hello, Ugly Bob.
Ugly Bob: Hi, guys.
Terrance: How's the paper bag working out?
Ugly Bob: People seem to really like it. I even have a date this Friday.
Terrance: Terrific! We need two tickets for Tehran, please.
Ugly Bob: Tehran is dangerous. You guys shouldn't go there!
Phillip: Dammit man! [Bangs on the counter.] Danger or no, I'm going to help my friend find his daughter!!
Scene Description: Terrance laughs nervously.
Ugly Bob: All right, then. There's a flight leaving today.
Phillip: Oh good. Well, I certainly am going to miss Canada, Terrance.
Terrance: In-deed, Phillip.
Phillip: Terrance, if I die whilst in Iran, please bring my body back to Canada, and bury me in a box with a side of Kroff Dinner.
Terrance: Same here, Phillip!
Phillip: O Ca-nada, Our home and native land,
Terrance/Phillip: True patriot love, In all thy sons' command,
Small Group: [Terrance, Phillip, Ugly Bob, and two others] With glowing hearts we see thee rise,
Middling Group: [Four more...] The True North, strong and free
Larger Group: [The folks at the kiosk join in.] From far and wide, O Canada, We stand on guard for thee,
Crowd: God keep our land...
Scene Description: Scott peeks out from behind a corner, talking to Saddam on a cell phone.
Scott: Scott to Red Dragon, come in, Red Dragon.
Saddam: Go ahead, guy. This is Red Dragon.
Scott: The plan is working perfectly. Terrance and Phillip have taken the bait.
Saddam: Excellent! My buddies and I are ready to come to Canada. Has everything been arranged?
Scott: Yes. Everything's proceeding according to plan. Now you promised that when Terrance and Phillip arrive they'll be ripped into pieces and shot several times.
Saddam: Hey, relax, guy. I'm gonna keep my side of the bargain.
Scott: Roger, Red Dragon. Scott out.
Scene Description: He puts the phone away.
Scott: [To himself.] I've got you now, you fart-lovin' fart-lovers.
Scene Description: On the flight to Tehran, Terrance and Phillip leave British Columbia, fly over the western and southwestern U.S., and over the Gulf of Mexico. Over the Yucatan Peninsula Terrance farts, they laugh, and the plane turns towards the Atlantic.
Terrance: I Got Ya.
Scene Description: They laugh again. Over the Pyrenees, Phillip farts, the plane moves towards North Africa, then turns again for Italy.
Phillip: Burned your face.
Scene Description: The plane heads for Egypt, where another fart forces it towards the Black Sea. Once they cross it, another fart forces the plane to cross the Black Sea again...
Terrance: Ow, that's rancid. Hahahahaha.
Scene Description: It then turns towards Iran when it is in southern Turkey. It lands in...
Scene Description: Tehran 2:30 P.M. Terrance and Phillip walk among the crowds in the city.
Terrance: Oh, Phillip. How will we ever find my fugitive daughter in this daunting place? We don't speak the language, we are unwelcome strangers, and we have no idea where to begin.
Phillip: Oh, look. There she is.
Scene Description: He points at a girl wearing a yellow dress and pink bow - not Arab dress in the least.
Terrance: Oh, good.
Scene Description: They make their way to her.
Sally: Goo. Where?
Terrance: I'm here, Sally. It's your father, Terrance.
Scene Description: He picks her up in his arms.
Terrance: I'm here to save you from your smelly Arabian captors.
Sally: Pa-pa.
Phillip: Say, she looks a lot more like Celine Dion than you, Terrance.
Scene Description: Sally farts.
Phillip: Oh, now I see the resemblance!
Terrance: Well, enough of Iran, let's get home.
Scene Description: On the flight home she farts again and Terrance and Phillip laugh.
Scene Description: Canadian Airport 3:45 P.M. The plane lands.
Terrance: Well, now that I have my bastard daughter back, I feel like going to Celine Dion's house and asking her to marry me again.
Phillip: Oh, raspberries, looks like I'm losing a friend.
Terrance: No, you're gaining a pop vocalist.
Scene Description: Phillip notices something.
Phillip: Oh my God! [Terrance looks.] What is this?!
Scene Description: There are pictures of Saddam Hussein plastered all over the city, and ominous music plays.
Phillip: Is this Canada?
Terrance: It seems to have changed.
Phillip: This is madness!
Terrance: What's going on, Phillip? How can Canada have changed so much whilst we were gone?
Phillip: I don't know, Terrance. And who is that smelly person in all these pictures?
Terrance: I must take my bastard daughter back to Celine Dion and see what she has to say.
Scene Description: Celine Dion's House 4:02 P.M. Terrance and Phillip arrive with Sally. Terrance knocks, and Celine opens the door.
Terrance: Celine, I brought our daughter Sally back, and I want to tell you that-
Celine Dion: Terrance, ha, could you come back a little later?
Terrance: Why?!
Celine Dion: Ah, I'm just a little busy right now.
Terrance: You've got a man over, don't you, Celine Dion?
Celine Dion: Well, I...
Scene Description: Ugly Bob comes out behind her.
Ugly Bob: Hi guys.
Phillip: Oh my God, it's Ugly Bob!!
Terrance: What the hell are you doing here?!
Ugly Bob: I'm doing Celine Dion; what's it look like?
Terrance: Oh, Celine Dion, what have you done? I was going to make us a family again, but now you've slept with Ugly Bob!
Celine Dion: What do you mean? Why are you calling him "Ugly Bob"?
Phillip: Because that's his name, you stupid bitch!
Scene Description: She turns to Ugly Bob.
Celine Dion: You told me your name "Handsome Bob"!
Terrance: Look at him, Celine Dion.
Scene Description: Terrance pulls the bag off.
Celine Dion: Aaaaaaaaaaaagggggghhhhh!!!
Phillip: Behold his horrible face.
Celine Dion: Oh my God, he's hideously ugly! And I am pregnant with his child!
Terrance: What?! Nooooooooooooooooo!!
Celine Dion: I'm going to have a freak baby!!
Phillip: Ohh, the humanity!!
Scene Description: Saddam Hussein's Canadian HQ. 4:03 P.M. Scott enters the cabin.
Scott: Hey, Saddam. You helped me get rid of Terrance and Phillip, and I appreciate that, but why are framed pictures of you going up all over Canada?
Saddam: Huh? Oh that? Don't worry, guy, you just need a rest.
Scott: ...No I don't need a rest!! I want to know what this is all aboot.
Saddam: Hey, relax, fella. I'm just making it so that Terrance and Phillip can never come back to Canada again. I just need a couple of days, and then I'm gonna head back to Iran.
Scott: I thought you were from Iraq.
Saddam: Iran, Iraq, what the hell's the difference? Relax, guy!
Scene Description: Downtown Canada 4:04 P.M. Saddam's troops are filing past the buildings as Terrance and Phillip look on. Terrance farts and the two laugh.
Terrance: Phillip, I'm convinced that something very very not good is happening to Canada.
Phillip: Yes. I agree whole-fartedly.
Scene Description: They laugh. Scott rushes up to them.
Scott: Hey, what the hell are you guys doing here?
Terrance: Oh, hello, Scott.
Scott: You're not supposed to be here, you're supposed to be in Iran looking for your kidnapped-
Scene Description: Puts left hand to mouth.
Scott: Ah, I mean, how are you guys today?
Phillip: Wait, what were you saying?
Scott: Nothing, why?
Terrance: Hey, Scott. Guess what?
Scott: What?
Scene Description: Terrance farts and they laugh.
Scott: Aargh! I hate you more than ever, Terrance and Phillip! I absolutely abhor you both!
Scene Description: He then puts his fists forth and concentrates mightily on them. They simply stand back.
Phillip: What are you doing, Scott?
Scott: I'm wishing cancer upon you.
Phillip: Cancer?!
Scott: That's right. I'm trying to give you cancer with my mind.
Terrance: Ooh, stop that!
Scene Description: He grabs Phillip as a shield, then pulls him back.
Phillip: Hey, don't give me cancer!
Scene Description: Scott advances.
Scene Description: Saddam Hussein's Canadian HQ. 4:05 P.M. Two U.S. Army Officials arrive.
U.S. Army official: Mr. Hussein, the U.S. Government is becoming worried.
Saddam: Worried? Aboot what? Take a load off, relax.
U.S. Army official: You seem to be... taking over Canada.
Saddam: Taking over Canada? Me? Eeeyy, you need a rest, fella. I'm not hiding any bombs.
U.S. Army official: We didn't say anything about bombs.
Saddam: Oh. You didn't? Hey, relax.
U.S. Army official: We're giving you just three years to clear your forces out of Canada, and after that, we're gonna bomb all of Iran.
Saddam: I'm from Iraq.
U.S. Army official: Iran, Iraq, what's the difference?
Scene Description: The officials leave.
Guard on right: Euugh. I hate Americans. Please, let me kill them!
Saddam: No, no. You need to relax, guy. Remember the plan: first we take over Canada, then we'll have to go after the female pop vocalist. After that, we'll take over the U.S., then Europe, then China, then Newfoundland, then the world!
Scene Description: He laughs wickedly and rolls all over his desk.
Scott: [Returning.] What's so funny!
Saddam: Nothing! Relax, brother.
Scott: Saddam, Terrance and Phillip are back in Canada!
Saddam: Oh, really?
Scott: You promised me they'd be gone for good! That was your part of the bargain!
Saddam: [Thumps his desk.] I changed my mind. [Thumps his desk again.] Pray that I don't change it any further.
Scene Description: The guard on the right cocks his machine gun and Scott is chagrined.
Scott: This deal's getting worse all the time.
Scene Description: Terrance and Phillip's House 4:06 P.M. They are at home eating Kroff Dinner on the sofa.
Phillip: Hey, Terrance, let's watch American television.
Terrance: Yes. We can get satellite feed from the U.S. and watch all their stupid T.V. shows.
Phillip: Oh look. Here's a show. [Jerry Springer.]
Woman 1: ...well fuck you.
Woman 2: Arrrggghh! [Lunges at woman 1.]
Springer: And this is what life would be like...
Terrance: It's so stupid!
Phillip: Goddamn, their TV shows are lame!
Scene Description: The next show they see is South Park.
Mephesto: The father of Eric Cartman is indeed, someone in this room. The father is-
Scene Description: Terrance and Phillip laugh over the line.
Phillip: Look at their silly American heads.
Terrance: They look like groundhogs.
Cartman: He's my father?!
Scene Description: Phillip clicks a new channel.
Anchor: And in other news it appears that Saddam Hussein has finally signed an agreement to let the U.S. inspect his military operations. When asked if he would uphold his side of the agreement, Hussein replied, quote: "Hey, relax, fella. You need a rest, guy."
Terrance: Hey, Phillip. Isn't that the smelly gentleman we've seen in pictures all over town?
Phillip: Yes it is, Terrance. According to that newsie, he's some kind of Turkish dictator.
Terrance: Well, we just can't sit here and eat Kroff Dinner and let Canada be overrun by the Turks!
Scene Description: The phone rings, and they laugh.
Phillip: That fart sounded like a ringing phone, Terrance.
Terrance: It sure did, Phillip.
Scene Description: The phone rings again, and Terrance looks.
Terrance: Oh, wait. That is the phone.
Scene Description: He sets his plate aside and gets up to answer it.
Terrance: Hello?
Scott: Terrance, this is Scott.
Terrance: Oh. [To Phillip.] Hey, it's Scott.
Scene Description: He covers the receiver while Phillip answers.
Phillip: Tell him he's a smelly bastard.
Terrance: Phillip says hello, Scott.
Scott: Just shut up and listen. You've unleashed a monster onto Canada! And only you can get rid of him, even though I hate you, and I wish you had cancer.
Terrance: You are such a dick, Scott.
Scott: You're a dick.
Terrance: You're a dick.
Scott: You're a dick.
Terrance: You're a dick.
Scott: You're a dick.
Terrance: You're a dick.
Scott: [Pause.] You're a dick.
Terrance: You're a dick.
Scott: The two of you are the most annoying dicks in Canada. You give other Canadians a bad name. And if I had my hair-
Terrance: I'm sorry, Scott. Could you hold on a minute?
Scott: Sure.
Scene Description: Terrance raises his left leg, places the receiver between his legs, and farts on it. He and Phillip laugh as he lowers his leg.
Terrance: How do you like that, Scott?!
Scott: You son of a bitch! I'll get you if it's the last thin-
Terrance: Oh wait, I have another call on, Scott. Can you hold on?
Scott: Sure.
Scene Description: Terrance raises his left leg, places the receiver between his legs, and farts on it. He lowers his leg and resumes talking.
Terrance: Oh, that was Sir Smelly. He says 'hello.'
Scott: Goddammit!
Terrance: Oh, wait a second, Scott.
Scott: Sure.
Scene Description: Terrance raises his left leg...
Scott: I mean, no! You listen to me! If you want to save Canada, you'll meet me at Karl's Kroff Dinner Restaurant in half an hour. [Hangs up.]
Scene Description: Celine Dion's House 4:07 P.M. Celine Dion and Ugly Bob are back in bed.
Celine Dion: Oh, Ugly Bob, I'm so confused. I love your personality, but you are so wretchedly ugly.
Scene Description: She puffs on a cigarette.
Ugly Bob: Maybe the baby will have your face instead of mine.
Celine Dion: We can only hope. I suppose we'll be okay as long as you keep that bag on your head.
Scene Description: Three Republican Guards burst through the bedroom door, and Saddam follows.
Celine Dion: What's this?! [Gasps.]
Saddam: He-yy there. I'm Saddam Hussein. I'm a big fan of Polo. I've been searching a long time for you, Celine Dion.
Ugly Bob: Oh no, you don't. She's my bitch.
Saddam: Eh! Who are you?
Ugly Bob: I'm Bob. But my friends call me "Ugly Bob", because I have the features of a deformed burn victim.
Saddam: Really? I thought all Canadians looked alike. Let me see.
Scene Description: Bob takes off the bag and everybody in the room screams.
Saddam: Well, I'm sorry, guy. You know, I could cure that face of yours.
Scene Description: Bob and Celine now look at him.
Ugly Bob: You can?
Saddam: Sure! I just need a favor. There is a Canadian football game tomorrow: the Ottawa Roughriders vs. the Vancouver Roughriders. It is at that game that I will officially turn the Canadian flag over to my Iranian one.
Celine Dion: What? Why?
Saddam: Hey! Don't worry about that. Take a load off, don't worry about it. Look over here. All I need is for Celine Dion to sing our Iranian national anthem at the game - to finalize my hostile takeover of Canada. What do you say?
Ugly Bob: Did you say, "hostile takeover of Canada"?
Saddam: No, no, relax there, fella!
Scene Description: Celine takes another bag and places it over Bob's head.
Scene Description: Karl's Kroff Dinner Palace 4:36 P.M. Terrance and Phillip are there. So are some pictures of Saddam.
Terrance: Well, Scott said to meet him here, but he's not showing up.
Scene Description: Phillip farts and they laugh.
Phillip: Well, while we're waiting, why don't we search for treasure?
Terrance: Oh. Good idea. Let's search for treasure.
Scene Description: Phillip looks around, but Terrance ends up looking at his feet.
Scott: [Arrives.] What are you idiots doing?
Terrance: We're looking for treasure!
Scott: Is that some kind of metaphor for a kind of search that can't be described?
Phillip: No, we're searching for treasure.
Scott: Listen. I have an inside scoop. There's an Iraqi dictator who is quietly and slowly taking over Canada.
Terrance: Yes. You mean Saddam Smelly. We saw him on the telly.
Scott: Well, what are you two gonna do aboat it?
Phillip: What do you mean?
Scott: It's your fault that he's here! You brought the Iraqis back with you on your plane when you rescued your kidnapped daughter! [they gasp.]
Phillip: You mean, we are to blame?!
Scott: That's right. And now you must make amends. Tomorrow, Saddam will try to finalize his takeover of Canada, at the Roughriders-Roughriders football game. It will be your only shot at wiping them all out. Here, take this.
Scene Description: He hands him a box with a watch face on it.
Phillip: What is this?
Scott: It's a bomb. You must strap it to yourselves, go to the game, and sacrifice your lives to take out Saddam's minions.
Terrance: That plan's scary!
Scott: Well, you must do it for Canada.
Phillip: For Canada, Terrance.
Scene Description: A display of solidarity begins. He puts his arm behind Terrance.
Terrance: For Canada, Phillip.
Scene Description: Terrance puts his arm behind Phillip. Then they let go and leave.
Scott: Yes, Terrance and Phillip. And when the dust is settled, Canada will be rid of both: the Iraqis and your immature fart humor.
Scene Description: Terrance and Phillip's House 12:20 P.M.
Terrance: Well. Phillip, I am very sad that we have to die for Canada.
Phillip: Yes. This bomb will blow us both to smithereens. But we really have no choice. Only our deaths can bring Canada life.
Scene Description: Terrance farts, and they laugh.
Terrance: That's funny!
Phillip: Hey! Wait a minute. That fart gives me pause.
Terrance: Why is that?
Phillip: That smelly Saddam Hussein. He uses germ and chemical warfare, does he not?
Terrance: Yes. Apparently, he does.
Phillip: Terrance! Get the phone book! We must call every Canadian we can!
Terrance: Oh, Phillip. It sounds like you have an idea.
Phillip: I do, Terrance.
Scene Description: Phillip picks up the receiver and dials away... Barky comes up and farts, then leaves. Terrance and Phillip laugh.
Scene Description: Canada Stadium 11:32 A.M.
Announcer: And the Roughriders are giving the Roughriders a run for their money! [Not if the score is valid: 28-7.] All else aside, I must say that the Roughriders [To his right.] are simply outmatched by these Roughriders [To his left. Red and blue Roughriders go after the football and time runs out. A horn blows and the referee blows his whistle.] And that's going to take us to halftime. Be sure to stick around for the halftime show: Saddam and the Electric Iraqis in a salute to hostile takeovers!
Scene Description: A long platform is put together from two shorter ones, each one having half the Canadian flag. The flag is made whole when the platforms are put together. A band plays and walks across the field and the crowd cheers.
Terrance: Well, I guess it's time, old friend.
Phillip: Yes. Prepare the alert!
Scene Description: Saddam climbs onto the platform with some difficulty, then rights himself and takes the microphone.
Saddam: Hello to my Canadian friends. Everybody relax. Take a rest. Lift your feet up. Those Dogs Are Barking.
Scene Description: He waits for a reaction, but none comes.
Saddam: You may have noticed some changes to your country. Don't worry about that, the changes will continue. I'm here to announce once and for all that Canada will now be known as "New Baghdad!" Qoloh Qalah!
Scene Description: A Canadian flag is taken down from its pole and an Iraqi one put up in its place. An Iraqi one is placed over the Canadian one on the platform. The audience gasps.
Saddam: You will bow down to me as your ruler! You will obey my laws or you will be killed!!
Scene Description: Celine Dion and Ugly Bob are standing by as Saddam laughs derisively.
Saddam: And now you will sing the Iraqi national anthem...
Scene Description: A guard nudges Celine towards the microphone with the tip of his machine gun.
Saddam: Or you will be stabbed in the head!
Celine Dion: Shtud balaa shtud inca inca brusht...
Terrance: Now, Phlllip?
Phlllip: Now, Terrance.
Scene Description: He puts on his gas-mask while Terrance brings out a bugle and sounds the alert. Everyone in the stadium then puts on masks.
Saddam: Hey!! What the hell is this?
Scene Description: Celine puts on her mask.
Celine: Freh kashu kaliakaliakatchut...
Scene Description: People all around the stadium turn around and start to drop trousers, and fart. One man stands on his hands, leaving his derriere high in the air with legs spread open. A brown cloud starts to form over the stadium and it descends into the gridiron. Saddam starts to gag.
Guard: They're using chemical warfare! How could they?!
Scene Description: More brown clouds sweep across the field and seem to sweep Saddam along with them. He stumbles to the edge of the platform and the crowd cheers loudly. He finally falls and the clouds start to lift away. The Iraqi flag falls off the side of the platform as the people remove their masks and cheer some more.
Terrance: We did it, Phillip! We destroyed the Turks!
Phillip: Oh, Glorious Day!
Scene Description: Some people come down and start kicking Saddam around. Bob and Celine take off their masks while holding hands. She takes her hand away and quickly places a paper bag on Bob's head. A woman takes Saddam's left arm, a man takes his head. Terrance and Phillip come down from their seats and rush to the platform, and all stadium seats are now empty. Terrance and Celine hold hands.
Celine Dion: Phillip, Terrance! You've saved Canada!
Terrance: Ooh, it was all Phillip's idea.
Scene Description: They progress to full embrace.
Ugly Bob: God bless you, Phillip. [Embraces him.]
Phillip: [Pulls away.] Don't touch me, Ugly Bob!
Scott: [Walking up.] Hey, What the hell happened? You were supposed to be blown up!
Phillip: We came up with a better plan. You see, Scott, after all your criticism, it was farting that saved Canada.
Scott: Oh! That is so juvenile!
Scene Description: Terrance and Celine have let go of each other.
Terrance: Hey, Scott, you like apples?
Scott: Of course!
Terrance: [Farts on him.] How do you like them apples? [Laughs heartily.]
Scott: I hate you, Terrance and Phillip!!! [Goes away.]
Terrance: Oh Celine Dion. You never finished that national anthem.
Celine Dion: You're right, Terrance. You're right.
Scene Description: She walks forth and grabs the microphone
Celine Dion: O Canada, our home and native land,
Scene Description: Celine, Terrance, Bob, Phillip, and people on the field
Crowd: True patriot love in all thy sons command
Large Crowd: With glowing hearts we see thee rise, the True North, strong and free,
Scene Description: A man uses Saddam's head like that of a dummy and provides a falsetto for it. The words scroll across the scoreboard.
Crowd outside: From far and wide, O Canada, we stand on guard for thee God keep our land glorious and free Oh, Canada we stand on guard for thee
Scene Description: The camera pulls away from the stadium, and then from Canada, as if on a plane. More crowds are seen, then some cabins, some mountains, and finally a moose.
Crowd: Oh, Canada we stand on guard for thee
Scene Description: The whole scene is now framed in a maple-leaf outline, with the moose in the center grazing. He looks up. When the anthem ends Terrance farts once more and laughs away. His laughter echoes.
Scene Description: End credits roll and theme music plays.
Announcer 1: Who is Eric Cartman's father? Find out on an all new South Park, in just a few weeks.


Scene Description: South Park.
Announcer 2: Previously, on South Park: an air of sobriety fills the laboratory as the men of South Park gather to find out which one of them fathered this boy.
Scene Description: A shot of Cartman chowing down on cookies and milk.
Announcer 1: Who is Eric Cartman's father? At the end of this episode, you will know the answer.
Scene Description: Opening warning and theme song. Much has been added. Then the episode resumes at the laboratory.
Mephesto: And now, to continue, the father is indeed someone in this room.
Cartman: Man, this feels like the longest minute of my life.
Scene Description: Kenny is restored to the story line. Kyle notices.
Stan: Oooh- hey, Kenny.
Mephesto: Gentlemen, the father is...
Scene Description: The lights go out.
Mr. Garrison: Hey, what the hell's going on?
Jimbo: It's a power outage!
Scene Description: Two gunshots, then a body is heard falling. The lights go back on and the men settle down.
Chef: Is everybody okay? That sounded like a gunshot!
Officer Barbrady: Oh my God, look!
Scene Description: Mephesto lies shot on the floor, his ass-headed cane next to him.
Kenny: (Oh my God, they killed Mephesto!)
Kyle: You bastards!
Mr. Garrison: Mephesto's been shot.
Scene Description: Everyone gathers around Mephesto.
Chef: Is he ...dead?
Scene Description: Jimbo and Ned stand near a newly broken window.
Jimbo: Hey! This window is shot out, too! That means the killer was not someone in this room!
Mr. Garrison: Then who was it?
Announcer 1: Who shot Mephesto? Was it the school counselor? Or was it Ms. Crabtree? Or was it-
Cartman: Ey! Wait a minute! I didn't find out who my father was!
Announcer 1: Or was it Sheila Broflovski?
Chef: [Listening to Mephesto's chest.] Waait! [Getting up.] He's still breathin'! He's not dead.
Cartman: [Grabbing Mephesto's shirt.] Goddammit! Who's my father?
Chef: [About to lift Mephesto.] We've got to get him to the hospital.
Cartman: You've got to be kidding me!
Chef: Come on, children!
Scene Description: Chef carries Mephesto out the door. Cartman follows.
Cartman: Eeeehh..!
Gerald Broflovski: Oh, that poor kid. It must be hell for him going through all this.
Scene Description: Ms. Cartman sighs deeply and moves away.
Jimbo: There's a murderer free in South Park. We have to find out who it is before they kill again.
Mr. Garrison: Yeah. God only knows who they'll kill next.
Announcer 1: Who will they kill next? Will it be Jimbo? Barbrady? The Denver Broncos?
Scene Description: Chef is driving up a hill with the kids and Mephesto.
Cartman: Is he awake yet?
Kyle: [Checking.] He's bleeding pretty bad back here.
Chef: Don't let him bleed on my Meredith Baxter-Birney memorial towel.
Kyle: What's a Meredith Baxter-Birney memorial towel?
Chef: I actually was with Meredith Baxter-Birney in this very car. And afterwards we used that towel to... [Mad at himself.] Wait a minute. Why am I telling you this?
Stan: Could you pull over so I can get out?
Chef: What? We have to get to the hospital.
Stan: I have to get out first. I'm not gonna make it; I can't stand hospitals.
Chef: Sorry, Stan. We just gotta drop Mephesto off and then we can get outta there, alright?
Kyle: Man, it's really starting to snow.
Scene Description: The scene outside is filled with snow falling as Chef drives by.
Kyle: I hope they don't close the roads.
Cartman: They can't. Mephesto can't die.
Kyle: Maybe it's better you don't know who your father is, Cartman.
Cartman: No way, dude! I can't stand to leave things unfinished. It's like when you hear the first part of that song, "Come Sail Away", by Styx. If I hear the first part of that song, I have to finish it.
Kyle: Really?
Cartman: Yeah, du-I can't do anything until it's done.
Scene Description: Kyle looks at Stan, who looks back. Kyle begins.
Kyle: I'm sailing away...
Cartman: No! Don't!
Kyle: Set an open course for the virgin sea...
Scene Description: Cartman tries to resist, but the pull is just too strong.
Cartman: Eh-
Scene Description: Two short gasps follow, then Cartman races through...
Cartman: For I've got to be free, Free to face the life that's ahead of me, On board I'm the captain, so climb aboard, We'll search for tomorrow, on every shore, And I'll try, oh lord, I'll try to carry on, Maymaynemay Maymaynemay Maymaynemay Maymaynemay, A gathering of angels appeared above my head, They sang to us this song of hope, And this is what they said, Come sail away, come sail away, come sail away with me... lads, Come sail away, come sail away, come sail away with me
Scene Description: The car passes a sign for Hell's Pass Hospital.
Cartman: I thought that they were angels, but to my surprise We climbed about their starship and headed for the skies Come sail away, come sail away, come sail away with me... lads Come sail away, come sail away, come sail away with me... lads
Scene Description: Cartman is out of breath, breathing heavily, Chef keeps driving.
Kyle: Whoa, dude!
Scene Description: City Hall, first night. Sheila, Officer Barbrady, Sharon, and Jimbo are assembled before the Mayor.
Jimbo: What are we gonna do, Mayor? This killer is on the loose!
Sheila: We can't even leave our homes for fear of our children's safety.
Sharon: Uh... Where are our children?
Scene Description: They look around.
Mayor McDaniels: Officer Barbrady, let's pretend for one second that we had a competent law enforcer in this town: what would he do?
Officer Barbrady: Hmmm... That's a good question, Mayor. Let me get right on that with thinking.
Scene Description: A man and his boom mic operator rush in.
Man: Mayor! Mayor!
Mayor McDaniels: [Aside to an aide.] The press is here.
Sid Greenfield: My name is Sid Greenfield. I'm the director from Los Angeles for America's Most Wanted.
Mayor McDaniels: [Amazed.] Youuu certainly made it up here quickly.
Greenfield: We're desperate for stories.
Scene Description: The boom mic operator thumps him.
Greenfield: A-and this one is so compelling.
Mayor McDaniels: [Aroused.] Really??
Greenfield: Sure. This story has everything. People. Furniture. Talking-ih it's a real American story.
Officer Barbrady: Hey, I thought of something. [Close-up.] Uh... no, wait, that's subtraction.
Mayor McDaniels: Mr. Director person, what exactly do you want to do?
Jimbo: Mayor, shouldn't we be focusi-
Mayor McDaniels: Shh.
Greenfield: We just want to do a recreation of the story for our show. Then we'll flash a number on the screen that people can call if they have any information regarding the identity or location of the shooter. That's it. You win, we win, America wins.
Mayor McDaniels: Are you sure this wouldn't make our little town look dangerous?
Greenfield: Don't worry, Mayor. America's Most Wanted is not about violence, it's about family.
Cameraman: It is?
Mayor McDaniels: [Thoughtfully.] Weelll, in that case, I guess it's okay!
Greenfield: Great! We'll get started with auditions immediately. What part should we cast first?
Announcer 1: Who will the director cast first? Will it be Mr. Garrison? Officer Barbrady? Chef?
Scene Description: At the Unplanned Parenthood Clinic, it is snowing.
Liane: I want to have... an abortion.
Receptionist: Uoh well, we can do that. This must be a very difficult time for you, Mrs...
Liane: Cartman. Yesuh- it's such a hard decision, but I just don't feel I can raise a child in this screwy world.
Receptionist: Yes, Ms. Cartman. If you don't feel fit to raise a child, then abortion probably is the answer. Do you know the actual time of conception?
Liane: About eight years ago.
Receptionist: [Processing.] ...I sseee, so the fetus is...
Liane: Eight years old.
Receptionist: Ms. Cartman, uh- eight years old is a little late to be considering abortion.
Liane: Really?
Receptionist: Yes, this is what we would refer to as the "fortieth trimester".
Liane: But I just don't think I'm a fit mother.
Receptionist: Wuh... But we prefer to abort babies a little- ...earlier on; in fact, there's a law against abortions after the second trimester.
Liane: Well, I think you need to keep your laws off of my body.
Receptionist: Hmmmmm. Tsk, I'm afraid I can't help you, Ms. Cartman. If you want to change the law, you'll have to speak with your congressman.
Liane: [Rises from the chair.] Well, that's exactly what I intend to do. Good day!
Scene Description: She leaves, meanwhile at the Hell's Pass Hospital, Chef and the children have arrived.
Chef: Come on, children! We've gotta find a doctor! [Kenny follows him in.]
Stan: [Stops.] Ugh. I can't do it, dude. [Kyle and Cartman pass him.]
Kyle: Come on, Stan. Hospitals aren't all that bad.
Cartman: Yeah, stop being a wuss!
Scene Description: Operating room. A patient lies on the table, and the doctor is being assisted by a female nurse with no arms below the elbow. Chef and the kids enter.
Chef: Doctor!
Dr. Doctor: One moment, please. Nurse, I need 20 cc's of sodium pentathol, stat!
Scene Description: She reaches for the syringe and grabs it with her mouth.
Kyle: Whoa, dude! She doesn't have any arms!
Dr. Doctor: We're an equal-opportunity employer here, son.
Scene Description: She spits out the syringe, and he catches it along the cartridge end.
Chef: Doctor! We've got a shot cracker outside!
Dr. Doctor: I'll be right with you, right after I inject this man with a long needle.
Stan: [Pained.] Oh man. [Grabs his stomach.] I'm gonna be sick.
Dr. Doctor: There there, young man. Medical science is nothing to be afraid of.
Scene Description: Squeezes out any air left in the syringe. A few drops escape, and he rams the needle into the man's side.
Stan: Oogh.
Scene Description: Scraping sounds are now heard.
Nurse: Ooooo, I think you're hitting the bone.
Stan: Ooooogh.
Scene Description: Dr. Doctor is still driving the syringe.
Dr. Doctor: Yes. I can hear the needle scraping against the bone inside.
Scene Description: Blood starts bursting from the injection site.
Dr. Doctor: Oops, he's hemorrhaging.
Scene Description: A burst lands next to Stan, who is wide-eyed at this point.
Stan: Aghh!
Dr. Doctor: [Plop.] Ooo! His head fell off.
Stan: I'm gotta get outta here!
Kyle: Stan!
Dr. Doctor: Ugh, some people just have a weak stomach.
Scene Description: America's Most Wanted temporary set.
Scene Description: Greenfield is accompanied by his assistant in the auditorium.
Mephesto Tryout: And the father of Eric Cartman is... Bang! Oh, Jiminy! I've been shot! [Drops the cane.]
Greenfield: Oh, thank you very much. We'll get back to you. [The actor departs.] I think I've seen enough genetic engineers. Let's move on to the auditions for the part of Mister-uhh Garrison.
Assistant: Call the Mr. Garrison auditions!
Garrison 1: Boy, I sure hope I'm not Eric Cartman's father, Mr. Hat.
Mr. Hat 1: [Just a sock with two purple disks for eyes.] You can say that again, Mr. Garrison!
Greenfield: Alright, not bad. Let's keep him on the top pile. Next!
Mr. Garrison: I sure hope that I'm not Eric Cartman's father, Mr. Hat.
Mr. Hat: You can say that again, Mr. Garrison!
Greenfield: Thank you! Next!
Mr. Garrison: [Shocked.] What?
Greenfield: Next!
Scene Description: Mr. Garrison leaves, dejected, as another actor enters.
Garrison 2: [An actor with a deep voice.] I sure hope that I'm not Eric Cartman's father, Mr. Hat.
Mr. Hat 2: [A fist with a face drawn on it.] You can say that again, Mr. Garrison.
Greenfield: Perfect! You got it! Let's move on to the Chefs!
Scene Description: Mr. Garrison stands dumbstruck. Meanwhile Liane is in bed with her congressman.
Liane: ...And so you see, Congressman O'Reilly, that's why I think abortion laws should be changed.
O'Reilly: Well, all I know is that third-trimester abortions are illegal. I don't really know anything about 40th.
Liane: But the person at Unplanned Parenthood said you were who I had to talk to about changing the law.
O'Reilly: No- No, I think youah gotta talk to the governor about that stuff.
Liane: Oh, dear.
Scene Description: Back at the hospital, Mephest is still on the operating table, sedated.
Dr. Doctor: Well, this is about all I can do for him.
Cartman: Can't you get him to talk? I have to know who my father is.
Dr. Doctor: Sorry, son, it might be a while.
Scene Description: Cartman bounds atop Mephesto and begins slapping him around.
Cartman: Wake up, you son of a bitch!
Chef: Whoa!
Scene Description: Dr. Doctor lowers Cartman from atop Mephesto.
Dr. Doctor: Now, son, that's not's gonna do him any good. I'll let you know if there's a change in his condition.
Cartman: I can't wait anymore. What am I supposed to do?
Kyle: Hey, Cartman.
Cartman: What?
Kyle: I'm sailing ay...
Cartman: -way; Set an open course for the virgin sea For I've got to be free, free to face the life that's ahead of me On board I'm the captain, so climb aboard...
Stan: Okay okay, let's get outta here now!
Cartman: ...We'll search for tomorrow on every shore...
Kyle: [Looking out at the snow storm.] I don't know if that's gonna be too easy.
Cartman: ...And I'll try, oh lord, I'll try to carry on...
Dr. Doctor: My God, that's a hell of a storm.
Cartman: I look to the sea; Reflections- -in the waves spark my memory...
Stan: Oh, weak.
Scene Description: Kenny looks up towards the window.
Cartman: ...Some happy, some sad; I think of childhood friends and the dreams we had We lived happily forever, so the-
Scene Description: Back at the studio, auditions have ended, Greenfield is looking at the storm.
Greenfield: God, I hate mountains. This better not push back our shooting schedule.
Scene Description: The actors for Mephesto, Barbrady, and Chef are on the laboratory stage. Greenfield takes the megaphone.
Greenfield: Okay, people, let's rehearse the reenactment from the top before we shoot it.
Scene Description: Greenfield sees a new actor and turns to his assistant.
Greenfield: Who's that?
Assistant: Oh, that's TV's Eric Roberts. We were able to get him to play the part of the little monkey guy.
Greenfield: Whoa. Talk about "all washed-up", huh? Great to have you, Eric!
Scene Description: Eric Roberts stops munching a doughnut long enough to wave and smile.
Greenfield: Here we go, aaand action.
Mephesto Actor: I want to announce who the father is.
Greenfield: Bang!!
Mephesto Actor: Oh, I've been shot! [Falls over.]
Barbrady Actor: Nobody move! I'm a law officer!
Chef Actor: My God, I think he's gone into cardiac arrest!
Mephesto Actor: [As Chef Actor speaks] Whoaw..!
Barbrady Actor: You seem somewhat unnerved by this, Chef.
Chef Actor: Are you accusing me, Barbrady? Because if you are accusing me, don't hide behind your clever riddles!
Barbrady Actor: Our differences must be set aside for now, Mr. Chef. I'm simply a man, a man trying to do my job.
Officer Barbrady: Whoa, this is a good movie!
Scene Description: Back at the hospital.
Cartman: Come sail away, come sail away, come sail away with me... lads Come sail away, come sail away, come sail away with me-hee
Scene Description: The boys are in the emergency room with a bunch of patients bleeding, getting nauseous, etc.
Stan: Ohh. Dude, when can we get out of here?
Scene Description: The doctor bursts through the emergency doors with the nurse, a blonde is bleeding from a gash on her neck.
Blonde: Doctor, I can't focus!
Dr. Doctor: We're doing the best we can, ma'am. They've closed the pass and none of the other doctors can get through. For now, it's just me, and Nurse Goodly.
Scene Description: She tosses the stethoscope around for a better hold.
Chef: Wait a second. They've closed the pass??
Dr. Doctor: Yes, I'm afraid we're critically understaffed. Unless we get help soon, all these people in here are completely fucked.
Scene Description: Everyone turns to him and gasps. He quickly retracts.
Dr. Doctor: Metaphorically speaking, that is.
Cartman: What about Mephesto? Are you taking care of him?
Dr. Doctor: He's on full life-support and breathing fine. He shouldn't need any help - so long as the power doesn't go out.
Scene Description: Bzht. Everything goes black.
Dr. Doctor: Oof. Who didn't see that coming a mile away, huh?
Scene Description: Show time! A siren rotates, there's a hold-up and a helicopter zooms in on a raid from above. There's also a ground shot of the arrest. Lady Justice appears. A suspect is thrown behind bars.
Voice-over: Tonight, on America's Most Wanted, a shooter is on the loose in Colorado, and its residents are up in arms! Here's your host, John Walsh.
John Walsh: Good evening and welcome to America's Most Wanted. Tonight: terror invaded the small mountain community of South Park, Colorado, when Dr. Alphonse Mephesto [His picture appears.] was gunned down in his laboratory. America's Most Wanted has reconstructed this heinous crime [The South Park Genetic Engineering Ranch is seen.] in hopes that your calls could help solve the case.
Scene Description: A reenactment plays.
Mephesto Actor: [Pfff. The actors flinch and he throws away the cane] I've been shot!
Garrison Actor: [Catches him.] My God, Mr. Hat! Get some help!
Mr. Hat Actor: Right away, Mr. Garrison.
Eric Roberts as Kevin: No, no! My lifetime partner and friend, gone, taken away in the wink of an eye. O, Fortune, why do you mock me?
Greenfield: What the-? Bu-eh. Eric Roberts is improvising lines again!
Chef Actor: I'm going to get the man to a hospital. Who will help me?
Eric Roberts: This is not a world I want to live in! Doesn't anyone want-
Greenfield: God-dammit!
Scene Description: Outside, a pine tree falls on the studio's power lines. The lights dim and all action comes to a halt.
Greenfield: What the hell is this?!
Cameraman: We've lost the feed to L.A.
John Walsh: Uuuhm... We-we seem to have lost our linkup to the South Park crew, sso I guess we'll be going to our featured movie, Who Framed Roger Rabbit.
Announcer 1: Who framed Roger Rabbit? Was it Jimbo? Mr. Garrison? Chef?
Greenfield: Somebody go see why we lost the hookup!
Scene Description: The doors fly open and snow is swept in.
Jimbo: Holy smokes, that blizzard is getting crazy!
Scene Description: Back at the hospital. Lights can be seen in most of the rooms. Inside, the backup generator has come online and everyone is running around.
Nurse Goodly: Don't panic, anybody. The power lines are down, but the backup generator is running just fine.
Dr. Doctor: [Opening the operating room doors wide.] Nurse, I could use some help in here!
Goodly: Coming!
Scene Description: Cartman stands in her way stopping her.
Cartman: Lady-m? Is Mephesto gonna be okay?
Goodly: Yes, for now. But I'm afraid the generator won't run for long. The batteries run out in half an hour. Time is very short.
Dr. Doctor: Nurse, please! I need another pair of hands in here!
Scene Description: She looks at him and glares.
Dr. Doctor: Oh, sorry.
Scene Description: Liane at the Governor's mansion, in bed with him.
Liane: Don't you see, Governor? I should have a right to have an abortion if I want one.
Governor: [Smoking.] Mmaarr. I don't know-uh, I might need some more convincing, hm-hm-hm.
Scene Description: He edges closer to her.
Liane: I mean, what right do I have bringing another child into this overpopulated world? Then again, I should've thought of that before having sex. then againuh- Oh, I just don't know...
Scene Description: Back at the hospital.
Dr. Doctor: Please, Mr. Chef. I've over 100 people to attend to an-and only myself and Nurse Goodly.
Chef: What do you want me to do?
Dr. Doctor: Do you know anything about surgery?
Chef: I used to watch Quincy.
Dr. Doctor: What?! Why the hell didn't you say so? Put on some scrubs! Boys, I'm making you all honorary doctors. You can help us save these people's lives.
Stan: No way, dude!
Scene Description: America's Most Wanted studio, in the dark, Jimbo opens the door and a pile of snow pours in on him.
Jimbo: Well, [Opens his right eye.] we're not going anywhere for a loong time.
Greenfield: We're snowed in?
Mayor McDaneils: Yes. We're trapped!
Mr. Garrison: [Snuggling up to Greenfield.] Like sailors on a submarine.
Mayor McDaniels: My God, this is the worst storm I've ever seen.
Assistant: Oh I have to get out of here, I haven't eaten since breakfast.
Officer Barbrady: Yeah, I'm gettin' hungry, too. [Rubs his belly.]
Jimbo: I hope you all realize what we might be facing here.
Scene Description: Everyone is now focused on Jimbo.
Jimbo: Our only option might be to... eat each other to stay alive.
Scene Description: Gasps are heard all around.
Greenfield: Uuuhh, it's only been like, four hours. Aren't you resorting to cannibalism a little quickly?
Jimbo: That's the law of land, Mr. Director. It ain't pretty, but if a few of us must die so the rest can stay alive, so be it.
Mayor McDaniels: Buut, how do we decide "who"?
Jimbo: Well, we draw straws.
Greenfield: Now, wait a minute. We all had a big breakfast: can't you people go without eating for a little while?
Jimbo: Calm down, soldier! We need every person here to keep his head! Barbrady, fetch some straws.
Greenfield: Well- who the hell made you the boss anyway?
Announcer 1: Who the hell made Jimbo boss? Was it Barbrady? Chef? Mr. Gar-
Scene Description: Same night, the hospital. The doctor is operating with his motley crew. Stan and Kyle are on one side, Cartman and Kenny are on the other. Chef stands at one end of the table between Cartman and Kyle, and the doctor is at the other end.
Dr. Doctor: Miles' appendix has burst. I have no choice but to operate now with our limited power. I need you all to be strong for me. [Stan raises his brows.] Nurse Goodly will take care of the anesthesia. Chef, you act as her arms. [He withdraws.] Boys, you have to help with suction and bandages. Ready?
Stan: No.
Dr. Doctor: Okay. First, I'll make an incision on the chest, over the heart.
Stan: [Queasily.] Oh boy.
Scene Description: The doctor slices the flesh vertically over the X he has marked over the heart. It splits open and Stan removes his mask.
Stan: Bleech!
Scene Description: The vomit goes right into the open incision.
Kyle: Duhuhude! You barfed into the incision!
Cartman: Sweet.
Dr. Doctor: Suction!
Scene Description: Kenny places the suction cup over the incision. The power begins to flicker, and he removes the cup.
Cartman: Hey, who's screwing with the lights?
Announcer 1: Who is screwing with the lights? Is it Barbrady? Or Jimbo? Or the 1991 Denver Broncos?
Cartman: [To Kenny.] That is really starting to piss me off.
Scene Description: America's Most Wanted studio, nighttime. Barbrady stands holding the straws.
Jimbo: Alright. So far, everybody has a long piece of straw. We'll keep drawing. [Draws.] Whew.
Mr. Garrison: [Draws] Whew.
Scene Description: Sees that his straw is short and throws it away, behind himself.
Officer Barbrady: Wooo!
Jimbo: Wait a minute! Where the hell is the short one?
Officer Barbrady: The short what?
Jimbo: Dammit, Barbrady! When you draw straws, you're supposed to have one of them short! That's how you decide who loses!
Barbrady: That's not how I played it!
Mr. Garrison: Uuugh, could we hurry this up? My stomach is growling.
Scene Description: Back at the hospital.
Dr. Doctor: I found a map that shows the location of a backup generator. Apparently, they built a large self-sustaining generator- for just this kind of emergency. But it's out and away from the hospital.
Chef: So how do we get to it?
Dr. Doctor: We must split up into two teams: Team A, and Team B. Team A will consist of myself, Stan, Kyle, Eric, Chef, and Nurse Goodly. Team B will consist of Kenny.
Scene Description: Kenny is stunned. The doctor pats his head.
Dr. Doctor: Now, listen closely, Team B. Your goal will be to turn on the backup generator. To do this you must brave the storm outside and get into this sewage duct.
Scene Description: Dr. Doctor points it out to him on the map.
Dr. Doctor: Meanwhile, Team A will go to the holding area, here [Points to it.] where there is a television, and some cocoa. We will drink the cocoa and watch family programming until Team B makes it through the sewage duct. By that time, Team B- remember, that's you, Kenny- should reach the outer core of the generator. It will be a cold and dangerous climb to the top, and there could be velociraptors- here.
Scene Description: He points to an area between the holding area and the generator.
Dr. Doctor: Once you reach the top, you should be able to get a clear view from this windows of us drinking cocoa and watching television. Then, you could proceed down into the generator, and power it on. Are there any questions?
Cartman: Nnoh, that sounds pretty sweet to me.
Dr. Doctor: Great, then, let's do it. Go, Team!
Kenny: (Huh?)
Scene Description: The studio.
Mr. Garrison: I... can't... go on... eh. So... hungry...
Mayor McDaniels: We're all going to die in this horrible place. [She covers her eyes.]
Jimbo: We have to have the energy to make it through the night. We have to eat.
Greenfield: How can we? How could we live with ourselves?
Jimbo: There's only one answer: eat Eric Roberts. [He's shown squatting on the floor.]
Mayor McDaniels: [Thoughtfully.] Yes, of course. Nobody gives a shit about Eric Roberts.
Mr. Garrison: [Madly] Eat Eric Roberts!
Scene Description: The rest of the group goes mad, Ned gets up and everyone prepares to do him in.
Eric Roberts: No! No, please!
Scene Description: Later. Eric's arms, legs, and head have been removed, and bees hover around the corpse.
Mayor McDaniels: Well, there's no going back now. [Ned and Jimbo keep eating.] We're cannibals. [Someone burps.] God save us.
Jimbo: God wants you to live, Mayor. Fight!
Assistant: [Coolly.] Well I have to admit, Eric Roberts was much juicier than I expected.
Greenfield: [Miffed.] Aaww.
Mr. Garrison: This snow just isn't letting up. We're gonna die here, I know it.
Jimbo: What time is it, Barbrady?
Barbrady: It's almost midnight.
Mr. Garrison: Oh! I can't... go on. [Drops to his side.]
Jimbo: We'll give the storm another hour. After that, we might have to eat again.
Greenfield: What? Christ, are you people diabetic or something?
Scene Description: The hospital. Kenny has made it through the tunnel and exits the manhole. He's pretty soiled. He turns on his communicator.
Dr. Doctor: Team B? Come in, Team B.
Kenny: (This is Team B.)
Dr. Doctor: Listen, Team B. We've found another path to the generator. There's actually a nice heated walkway to it, so you don't need to walk through all that sewage.
Kenny: (Are you fuckin' telling me that I could've fuckin' gone that way?!)
Dr. Doctor: Oh... Well, forget I said that, then. Listen, Team B, you should be seeing a large drift of snow with some metal sticking out of it just to your left.
Kenny: (Yup! I see it in the drift.)
Dr. Doctor: Good. Head towards it. Team A out.
Cartman: What if Mephesto never wakes up, and I never find out who my father is?
Scene Description: Kenny heads toward the generator and a dinosaur casts its shadow on both of them.
Scene Description: The studio. Ned, Jimbo and the Mayor are eating again. The camera shows that Greenfield and the assistant have joined Eric Roberts as casualties to cannibalism. Barbrady is seen working on a leg and some ribs.
Mayor McDaniels: My God, what a harrowing tale of human drama this is. All of us doing what we must to survive.
Jimbo: It is amazing what people can do under stress. Just look at the pyramids. Nobody knows how they built those, or who.
Announcer 1: Who built the pyramids? Was it the Babylonians? Officer Barbrady? Samaritans?
Scene Description: The generator. Kenny has opened the door and is ready for new orders.
Kenny: (Okay, I've reached the generator)
Dr. Doctor: Roger, Team B. [To Team A.] He's reached the backup generator. [To Kenny.] Team B, can you see the two copper nodes?
Kenny: (Roger.)
Dr. Doctor: Good. Now, is there a wire connecting them?
Kenny: (Negative.)
Dr. Doctor: Damn! The wire connecting the nodes is gone! We need to complete the circuit between them, or we're screwed.
Kyle: D'you have any wire here?
Dr. Doctor: There's no time! Once these lights flicker out all the patients on life-support are going to die!
Kenny: (I'll stick 'em together)
Dr. Doctor: No, Kenny, you can't. There must be some other way! He's going to make the connection himself, with his hands.
Kyle: No, he'll die!
Cartman: Go, Kenny!
Dr. Doctor: Kenny! Nnnoooooo!
Kenny: (Goodbbyyyyee-ugh!)
Stan: Oh my God, they've killed Kenny!
Kyle: You bastard!
Scene Description: The lights stabilize.
Chef: The power!
Dr. Doctor: Quickly! Get the scanner running again!
Scene Description: The scanner is brought in.
Dr. Doctor: We've got a chance now!
Scene Description: The White House. Liane has bedded her way up to the President, and she's in bed with him now.
President Bill Clinton: Well, okay, Mrs. Cartman, I'll legalize 40th trimester abortions for you.
Liane: [Relieved and joyful.] Oh, thank you, thank you.
Clinton: We'll have the pregnancy terminated immediately. [Her eyes widen.]
Liane: [Pulls back.] Terminated?
Clinton: Why yes, that's what an abortion is.
Liane: Oh no uh- I didn't mean that. I meant the other thing you can do-what's that other A word?
Clinton: Adoption?
Liane: Yess, that's what I mean. Adoption.
Clinton: Well, that's- pretty different.
Liane: Oh, I should tell my son the truth about everything myself. Good day, Mr. President.
Scene Description: She quickly leaves the bed. Now to a Colorado sunrise.
Dr. Doctor: Well, we made it. The power is on, the snow is melting, and your friend Mephesto is doing fine.
Mephesto: [Coming to.] Where... where am I?
Chef: You're at the hospital, Mr. Mephesto. You were shot. Now, we don't know who tried to shoot you, but-
Mephesto: Ohh. I'm sure it was my brother again. He tries to shoot me every month.
Chef: Ooohhh.
Dr. Doctor: Where's the little fat boy? He'll be delighted that Mephesto's awake.
Chef: He went off looking for Mr. Kenny.
Scene Description: Outside, Stan, Kyle, and Cartman are at the generator. I guess the raptors have left.
Stan: He was a good friend, and I'll miss him.
Kyle: He was very brave. He risked his life so that Mephesto could live.
Cartman: Yeah. And now he's a freezy-pop.
Scene Description: Kenny is shown iced over, and the boys simply stare.
Stan: [To Kyle.] Dude! D'you think if we hit him with a shovel, he'd shatter?
Kyle: I don't know. Let's find out.
Scene Description: "Ave Maria" begins to play. Jimbo is the first to shovel his way out of the studio. Mr. Garrison follows, then Ned, then the Mayor, then...
Mr. Garrison: Ohh. It's over! We're free!
Officer Barbrady: Yes, but at what cost, Mr. Garrison? At what cost?
Jimbo: Listen, everybody. We did what we had to in there.
Mayor McDaniels: But- hhhow will we live with ourselves now?
Ned: Mm-one day at a time, Mayor. Mm-one day at a time.
Singer: [A la Aaron Neville] Ave Maria... [The camera pulls back, and back...]
Mr. Garrison: Well, I'm bringing home some Eric Roberts in a doggie bag. Does anybody else want some?
Scene Description: The hospital. Mephesto is recuperating, and Kevin is back at his side. All the possible fathers are present, including the Denver Broncos.
Mephesto: I'm glad that you could all come. I can finally reveal who the father of Eric Cartman is. But first, I want to thank Kenny McCormick for sacrificing his life-
Cartman: Just tell us already!
Mephesto: Alright alright. The father of Eric Cartman is... Say, did anybody see that Terrance and Phillip special last month? Wasn't that just the funniest thing-
Cartman: [Boiling.] Dammit! Tell me who my father is already!
Mephesto: Oh. As I said before, the father is somebody in this room. The father is... Mrs. Cartman. [All gasp.]
Chef: What???
Liane: [Back with her cookies.] Yes, it's true.
Mr. Garrison: Noo, that doesn't make sense!
Mephesto: Yes. It took quite a while for me to understand as well. You see, Mrs. Cartman is a hermaphrodite. [She looks guilty.]
Mr. Garrison: Uh-meaning what?
Mephesto: Meaning that she has both male and female genitals.
Liane: It's true.
Chef: You mean, at the Drunken Barn Dance, when we all got together with her, she was a he?!
Mephesto: No no, not exactly. But she did have a penis.
Scene Description: Ned, Barbrady, and Chef vomit. The rest just cup their mouths. Gerald is shocked.
Mephesto: The fact of the matter is, hermaphrodites cannot bear children, so Mrs. Cartman's DNA match with Eric can only mean that she is his father, and she got another woman pregnant at the Drunken Barn Dance.
Cartman: Ugh. Man, this is fuckin' weak.
Stan: Dude! You're a big fatass, and your mom's a hermapholite!
Liane: I'm sorry I never told you, Eric.
Scene Description: Eric and Stan look up at her.
Liane: I just thought, maybe it would be a little shocking to you.
Cartman: Oh, wow, gee whiz, you think so, Mom?!
Mephesto: Well, that's that. Thank you all for playing.
Cartman: No no, wait a minute! If... if she's my dad, then... who's my mom?!
Announcer 1: Who is Eric Cartman's mother? Is it Mrs. Crabtree? Sheila Broflovski? The Mayor?
Cartman: Ooohhh, forget it!