Scene Description: Cartman's room, day. Cartman and Kyle stand inside watching Stan, who is peeking out the door, waiting for someone.
Stan: [turns to the boys] Okay, here he comes. [join Cartman and Kyle]
Kyle: Who wants to tell him?
Cartman: I'll do it.
Butters: [joining the three] Hehey, fellas. I'm glad you called me. There was a pie-eating contest down at the firehouse, and I thought we should all go.
Cartman: Butters, could you take a seat, please?
Butters: Wuh well, sure. [They all go before Cartman's desk. Cartman takes a seat behind the desk. Stan helps Butters to his seat, then takes a place at Cartman's right side Kyle is on Cartman's left.]
Cartman: Butters, we have to have a very difficult conversation.
Butters: Wull what is it?
Cartman: Well, in the, in the months since our friend Kenny died, you've really stepped up as a friend and "filled the gap," so to speak. [wiggles the index and middle fingers of each hand as a quote gesture]
Butters: Well uh, it's my pleasure! I love bein' you guys' new friend.
Cartman: Yes. Well, Butters, it's just not working out.
Butters: Not working out?
Cartman: I'm afraid we're gonna have to let you go, as our friend. You're just tooo...
Kyle: Lame.
Cartman: Lame, yes.
Butters: Well, but ah I can get better.
Stan: Butters, you just don't really fit in with us here. We think it's best for all of us if you look for friendship opportunities elsewhere.
Kyle: But we certainly want to thank you for all your hard work and attempts at being our friend, lame as they were.
Butters: Huh but ah I thought we were gettin' along... great. Heh ah I thought we were really havin' fun together.
Cartman: Yes, well, we weren't.
Butters: Please, fellas, uh don't fire me.
Kyle: We're sorry, Butters. [Cartman leaves his chair and approaches Butters] Our mind is made up.
Cartman: [shakes Butters' left hand] But we certainly wanna thank you for coming by. [points to the door] You know the way out, right? [Butters look at the other two boys, who each returns a somber look. He gets off the chair, looks once more, then walks away dejectedly]
Kyle: Phew.
Stan, Cartman: Phew.
Kyle: Hm, he took that pretty well, I think.
Cartman: Who cares?
Stan: All right, so let's get started on who's gonna be the new person to take Kenny's place.
Scene Description: Butters' house, night. A thunderstorm hovers over the neighborhood. Inside Butters' room a hamster set is seen, and beyond, Butters standing on his bed, looking out his window. He has an angry expression on his face.
Butters: [angrily] The world isn't fair. I do everything people ask me to. I stand in the lunch line for them, I buy tampons at the store for them, I go on Maury Povich with balls on my chin for them. [turns around and sits on his bed, wistfully] And yet, nobody accepts me. I am an outcast. A shadow of a man who can find no companion... ship. No love from others. [the shadow on the wall turns into that of an old humpbacked man] Fine! [hops off the bed determined to do something about it] If I am to be an outcast, so be it! [walks towards the camera] I'm through doin' what others tell me to do, and I am sick of this world and the stin-, and the stinky people in it! [moves to his left] From now on I will dedicate my life to bringing chaos to the world that has rejected me! [an image of a nuclear blast going off as people run from it] I will become the greatest supervillain [people run as danger comes from the sky] the world has ever seen! [a tsunami takes over a harbor town as a woman and baby flee it] Where I go, destruction will follow! [exults at his new destiny, raising arms and face towards heaven as lightning strikes. A shot of the exterior with more lightning]
Scene Description: Butters goes about making a suit for himself. He begins with a sheet of aluminum foil and shapes it around a styrofoam head to make a helmet. He pulls out a shirt from the closet and makes it a cape using a sewing machine. Pretty soon, he's finished - he's dressed as something of a knight.
Butters: Prepare, O little town! Uh prepare for the greatest supervillain you've ever seen! Professor Chaos! [grins devilishly]
Linda: [knocking on Butters' door] Butters, time for bed.
Butters: Hu-uh, okay Mom. [waits a few moments, then gets that devilish look again.] Yes. Uh sleet sleep for now. [turns and faces the camera out side once more] Tomorrow, the chaos begins. [begins to laugh softly, then harder, than more maniacally, then in full maniacal laughter]
Scene Description: South Park, morning. A small stage is shown in Cartman's backyard, with a camera off to the side. Kyle, Stan, and Cartman walk up on stage and look out over the backyard.
Cartman: [takes the mic] All right, we wanna thank everybody for coming. This is a great turnout. [camera pans across the seated kids, then back to Cartman] Uh, as you know, our friend Kenny died a few months ago and we are still looking to fill the void with a new friend. Now, you've all been selected as possible candidates, but unfortunately, there is only room for one of you. So Stan and Kyle and I will be spending the next few days going out with each one of you and narrowing our choices down. Until we think we've found the perfect friend. Are there any questions?
Clyde: [after a moment of silence] ...What if we don't want to be your friend?
Cartman: Clyde... [mouths something]... okay. Now, the first thing we have to do is cut the list down from twenty choices to ten. And so today we will all be going to the amusement park together to see who we want to cut. Please keep in mind that this will all be videotaped, so put on your best friend faces, and may the best friend win. Oh, and we will be needing a ten dollar per person entrance fee.
Scene Description: South Park, later. The camera looks at the end of Main Street, and Butters comes over a bump on the street. He heads towards the camera right in the middle of the street as the adults around him talk or window-shop. He walks on, and a Bennigan's appears to his left. He turns to look at it, then runs through the front doors. He stops just inside. The diners go about eating and chatting. A waitress serves a table.
Bennigan's chef: Order twenty-three is up, and uh, order twenty-four is up. [presses down on a bell twice.]
Scene Description: Butters sees the dishes and walks up to them. He stares at them for a few seconds, then switches them, grinning evilly. He then drops down quickly as a waitress comes for the dishes. She delivers them to the two diners who ordered them.
Man 1: Uh, waitress, a-a-actually, I ordered the chicken soup. This is minestrone.
Man 2: Yeah, I had the minestrone over here. [Butters laughs at his own cleverness. The diners look at him]
Butters: I am Professor Chaos, and now, this puny world uh will bow down to me! [cackles once again and runs out of the restaurant. The diners resume their eating after a few seconds.]
Scene Description: Montage 1 - A Day At The Amusement Park.
Stan: [voice over a scene of all the kids walking down Main Street at the amusement park] So today we went to the amusement park with all our possible friends. [cut to Stan seated on a green sofa under a spotlight] It was a really fun time. We rode all the rides and everyone got along great.
Cartman: [on a blue sofa] I think the person that stood out most at the amusement park was Jimmy. [cut to Jimmy entertaining Stan, Kyle, Cartman, Dougie, Clyde, and Craig]
Jimmy: [cut to Jimmy on a dark green sofa] Well, the, the reason I think I would make the perfect foreh- friend, is that I love telling jokes. You know, who doesn't like to laugh?
Kyle: [seated on a cyan sofa] Tweek. Now there's an interesting choice. Tweek has a lot of qualities that I look for in a friend.
Tweek: [sipping coffee, shaking violently] What if they don't pick me? What if they get us all, man! I mean, Christ! If they can get to the Pentagon, then they can get to us all, man! Aaaa!
DogPoo Petuski: [a shot of the kids on the mine track ride, DogPoo in front with Cartman. Cut to the dirty boy who resembles Pigpen seated on a red sofa] I think I deserve to take Kenny's place the most, because, I've been hanging around these guys for like five years and I never get to say or do anything.
Cartman: ...Yeah, I've only seen that kid in class, but he never does anything. He's more like a prop. [takes a sip of ZOOP soda]
Kyle: [a shot of Kyle, Cartman, Tweek, and Towelie in a spinning teacup] Towelie is a tough choice because, [cut to Kyle talking] even though I can see how always having a towel around can come in handy, he's just always so high.
Towelie: [17 in towel years] Man, I really hope I win, because... wait... what is this again? I have no idea what's goin' on.
Cartman: We decided to get some one-on-one time with Jimmy and ride the log ride. [cut to the log ride] The great thing was that, because Jimmy's crippled, we got to go to the front of the line. [the boys are escorted to the first car, cut back to Cartman] That was definitely big points for Jimmy, you know, but, but then we got to the ride itself, and...
Jimmy: [back at the ride. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman climb into the log] Hey, I-I'm gonna need some help getting in the log, fellas.
Ride operator: O! Shut her down. Someone needs assistance.
Cartman: [the boys look at Jimmy] Oh, really? [turns to his note pad] That's gonna cost some points. [writes down some numbers as Jimmy is helped into the log.]
Kyle: [on the sofa] But right now I'd say if we're gonna have a retard for a friend, I, I have to pick Timmy. Because Timmy doesn't tell lame jokes.
Jimmy: [cut to log ride. The boys are about to slide down the track] Boy, isn't this great fellas? Are we great pals or what?
Stan: [voice over a scene of all the kids walking down Main Street at the amusement park] One thing for sure: picking our new friend isn't gonna be easy.
Scene Description: South Park, day. Butters is still dressed as Professor Chaos, still walking down the street. A dog walks across the street and Butters stops next to it.
Butters: Kneel. Kneel before Professor Chaos! [the dog slowly kneels and Butters walks off cackling at his success]
Scene Description: Butters' house, later. He makes it to his room and locks the door. He cackles again.
Butters: Ah, the look on their faces when they got the wrong soup. I love bringing chaos! [walks up to his dresser drawer and messes up some shirts in there, then closes the drawer and laughs] And that's only the beginning! [laughs evilly]
Scene Description: Cartman's backyard, day. All the kids are seated as they were yesterday. A box of roses sits on stage.
Cartman: All right, everyone. It was a tough decision, but based on our time with you all at the amusement park, we have whittled our choices down to ten. [Kyle goes off to get the box of roses] If you receive a rose, please stay. If you don't, get the fudge out. [Kyle returns with the roses and sets them down] Kyle, will you announce the people we want to stay?
Kyle: [holds up a rose for every kid he calls] Token. [Token approaches, gets his rose and goes back to his seat] Clyde. [Clyde goes for his rose] Craig. [Craig goes for his rose] Timmy.
Timmy: Timmih! [goes for his rose]
Tweek: Oh man! This is too much pressure!
Kyle: Pip. [Pip smiles and goes for his rose] Jimmy. [Jimmy goes for his rose] Jason. [a new boy with high forehead, goes for his rose] Towelie. [Towelie goes for his rose] Luigi. [Luigi goes for his rose].
Cartman: Just one more rose left, Kyle. Who does it go to?
Kyle: Tweek.
Tweek: Aaarr! [goes for his rose]
Cartman: All right, the rest of you, thanks for coming. Get the fudge out! [the others moan and leave their seats]
DogPoo: [incredulous] I didn't make the cut?? Oh God, I didn't make the cut??
Dougie: I didn't even get a chance to have them get to know me!
Stan: All right, congratulations to those of you selected to stay. In the end, one of you will be the new Kenny. [the camera pans over the remaining candidates] Good luck.
Scene Description: South Park, morning. Butters' house, kitchen. Linda is preparing some breakfast and Butters comes in confidently.
Linda: Good morning, Butters.
Butters: [takes a a seat at the table] It certainly is, Mother. Did ya hear about what's been goin' on? Some horrible new supervillain made somebody get the wrong soup order at Bennigan's.
Linda: No, [Butters blanches] I didn't hear about that.
Butters: Yeh, you didn't? [leaves his seat and walks to the living room]
Scene Description: Butters' house, living room. Butters walks up to Chris, who is on the sofa reading the newspaper.
Butters: Uh Dad, can I uh can I see the newspaper real quick?
Stephen: [lowers the newspaper] Why sure, Butters. I was just about to get some breakfast. [hands the paper to Butters, who sets it down on the floor and looks for headlines. The front page doesn't offer anything he's looking for, so he turns the page.]
Butters: [getting mad] Nothing. [turns the next page] Nothing! [closes the paper and stands up] It's the liberal media! They're keeping the stories of my deeds covered up, so as not to cause a panic. Well, I guess it's time to step it up a notch! [makes two fists signaling his stepped-up efforts]
Scene Description: The bus stop, later. Stan, Kyle and Cartman stand with Craig. Scene music plays.
Stan: Okay, next? [signals for Craig to leave. Craig walks away and Token comes in to take his place. Scene music plays. A few moments for the boys to get a feel for Token]
Kyle: This looks pretty good.
Stan: Yeah, it's not bad. Next? [Signals for Token to leave. Token walks away and Timmy rides in to take his place. Scene music plays.]
Timmy: Timmay!
Cartman: Next?
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. Most of the class is present. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman stand at the front of the class. On the chalkboard is the times table for 4.
Cartman: Okay, so now we're gonna see how you all work as a friend during classtime. Your performances will be judged primarily on how you help us cheat and give us answers. So good luck, everybody.
Ms. Choksondik: [entering] Sit down, boys.
Cartman: Alrighty then. [the boys take their seats]
Ms. Choksondik: All right, children, before we get started, has anybody seen the eraser for the chalkboard? [a shot of the class, then of Butters. A sneer comes to his face as he laughs to himself. The room darkens around him and a shadow appears on the lower part of his face] It probably got knocked on the floor somewhere. Can you all just please look around your desks for it? [the kids drop from their seats and look around. The sneer is back on Butters' face and the shadow returns]
Butters: [thinking] Yes. Look around for your precious eraser. You won't find it. That eraser's in my back yard, buried three feet below the surface of the earth. [a shot of Butters using a shovel to bury the eraser] And do you even suspect me?? No! Now we shall all see how you all like your dear chalkboard without an eraser. [Butters' desk moves around so the camera can see the kids looking for the eraser] And information, it just keeps pilin' up and pilin' up, until your minuscule brains can take it no longer! [the times table floats behind Butters and gets all jumbled up as he speaks, finally ending in a kid whose brains blow out of his head]
Ms. Choksondik: No? Oh, oh well. Never mind. I've got a backup one in the desk. [opens a drawer, takes out an eraser and erases the times table on the board] Okay, today children, we're gonna learn about multiplying times five.
Butters: [thwarted, begins to think again. The people around him take on their picture-negative counterparts] So! You all think that you can outsmart Professor Chaos, do you?!
Ms. Choksondik: Now, whenever we multiply a number times five, the result is going to end in a zero or a five.
Butters: Ms. Choksondik?
Ms. Choksondik: [turns around] What is it, Butters?
Butters: Ah, I need to go to the bathroom. R-really bad.
Ms. Choksondik: Oh alright Butters. Take the bathroom pass and go. [Butters gets off his seat and heads for the door. He takes the pass from the pegboard] Okay, so for instance, children-
Butters: [opens the door, then looks back] Alright. I'm goin' to the bathroom now. If anybody needs me, ah that's where I'll be.
Ms. Choksondik: Just go, Butters. [Butters smiles and leaves] Okay, so for instance, five times one is... what, Eric?
Cartman: Uh, what's the question again?
Ms. Choksondik: [holds out the five fingers on her right hand] Five... times... [holds out the index finger on her left hand] one.
Cartman: Five times one is of course...
The class: [minus Cartman, Stan, and Kyle] Five.
Cartman: Five. [the door opens and Professor Chaos appears]
Butters: [enters cackling] The time for fun and games is over, feeble-minded fools! [approaches Ms. Choksondik]
Ms. Choksondik: Who are you?
Butters: I am Professor Chaos! Bringer of destruction and maker of doom! Those who do not know me yet shall know me very soon, for the hour of Chaos ih-is at hand! [turns, takes the other eraser, and walks out cackling, closing the door. The class just looks at the door]
Ms. Choksondik: Hey! That kid took my last eraser! [heads for the door] Come back here, kid! [as she reaches the door, it opens and Butters enters]
Butters: Oh! Ah, I'm back from the bathroom. Ah I really let one go in there.
Ms. Choksondik: Butters, did you see another little kid run out of here?
Butters: Why yes, I did. But he pushed me down and I scraped my elbow. [raises his right elbow] Go on and look at it. It's scraped. Look. [as Ms. Choksondik looks at the elbow, the shadow and sneer return to Butters' face. He begins to think] Yeesss. Go on and see the red mark on my elbow, the red mark I made myself to throw you off Professor Chaos's trail.
Ms. Choksondik: It looks fine, Butters. [rises and addresses the class] Okay, hold on and stay here, children. [leaves the classroom. Butters sneers again]
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, later. Recess. The kids are at play. Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Craig are standing together.
Kyle: You're such a fatass, Cartman!
Cartman: Oh yeah?! Well, you're a stupid Jew!
Stan: Shut up, fatass! [silence. They look at Craig and the anger fades from their faces as they wait for him to respond]
Craig: Oh, aaaah, well you guys are dumb.
Cartman: [escorts Craig away] Okay, Craig, interesting choice. Powerful stuff there, Craig. Thank you very much. [Craig leaves]
Scene Description: Butters' house, night. Butters is at his desk working with his hamster set.
Butters: It is almost ...complete. The creation of my minions who will assist me in bringing terror to the world. [puts glue on some aluminum, puts the aluminum on a hamster] There we go. [the hamsters will be armored, as he is. He places the hamster back in the cage] Ye-ess, my minions of, of chaos. [the hamsters begin to make noise] Shhh. Night now, night now my lovelies. Your time to bring dest-struction will come very soon. [the door opens and Butters quickly throws a blanket over his hamster cage] Aaahhh!
Linda: [Linda walks in and towards his desk] Butters, a note for you was left on the front door.
Butters: A note?
Linda: Here you go. [gives it to him and walks out] And wash your hands after you touch those hamsters - you'll get AIDS. [exits and closes the door]
Butters: Okay, Mom. [takes a look at the envelope, spins around in his chair, and opens the envelope. He reads the letter within: "I know who you are. The South Park Docks. 7:30. Tonight"] So. Someone has discovered my horrible secret. This could be a trap set by the FBI. Oh, I'll be at the docks, precious FBI! But it is I who'll have the trap set for you! Come, my minions! [pulls off the blanket] We haven't much time!
Scene Description: Cartman's backyard, night. Stan, Kyle and Cartman are on stage for the next round of elimination.
Cartman: All right, everyone, the time has come for us to narrow the list down from ten to six. But first, let us just say that the people who we didn't pick were only not picked because they totally sucked balls. Kyle?
Pip: They're not going to pick me. I just know they're not.
Tweek: O-oh Jesus! Aaah I can't take it!
Kyle: [as before, holds up a rose for every name] Token.
Token: All right! [goes for his rose]
Kyle: Timmy.
Timmy: Timmay! [goes for his rose]
Kyle: Tweek. [Tweek goes for his rose] Pip.
Pip: Really? I don't believe it. [goes for his rose]
Kyle: Towelie.
Towelie: What?
Cartman: Just one more rose, Kyle.
Kyle: Jimmy.
Jimmy: Oh boy! Oh thank God! [goes for his rose]
Cartman: All right, those with roses will move on to the swimsuit and talent competition. The rest of you, get the fudge out! [Craig, Clyde, Jason, and Luigi leave]
Clyde: [turns and looks at Cartman] This whole thing is stupid! You don't pick people you wanna be with by making it into a game!
Cartman: Ooooooo, somebody's a sore loser! Clyde, I believe I said, "get the fudge out!" Which means, kiss mah fudgin' ass, go fudge yourself, fudge ya, get the fudge out, Clyde!
Scene Description: South Park docks, night. Under a red moon, Butters sneaks along the docks, making sure no one sees him. He creeps from box to box and peeks out from behind one. Another face peeks out from behind a box at the other end of the docks. This face is younger, with glasses.
Dougie: [steps out] Hey Butters.
Butters: [drops his guard and steps out] Oh, hey Dougie. [gets into character] Oh I mean, my name is Professor Chaos.
Dougie: I saw you change in the school bathroom. You stole that eraser in your class.
Butters: Very well. You called out Professor Chaos, and you also called out, eh your own demise! [pulls out two hamsters from his pockets and sets them down] Go now, my minions. Go and take this, this foolish mortal down! [the hamsters head back towards shore] Aw minions, naw, not that way. He- [turns to see them leave] come back minions.
Dougie: I'm, not trying to call you out, Professor Chaos. I want to join you.
Butters: Join me?
Dougie: Yeah I want to join you in your conquest of destruction.
Butters: But why?
Dougie: [approaching] I'm an outcast, too. A frail child cast aside by society. I want to follow you and... whatever you're doing.
Butters: Uh very well. You shall be my accomplice in evil. Together, we shall bring the world to its knees! A-and make all those who banished us from society run... red.
Dougie: Do I get a neato costume made out of aluminum foil, too?
Butters: Well sure you do. Ah I am professor, and you shall be my general. From now on you are General... Disarray.
Dougie: General Disarray.
Butters: Now let us go look for my minions! [softly] They ran away here, now to find 'em... [the new villainous duo search the docks for the hamsters]
Scene Description: Montage 2 - The Swimsuit And Talent Competition. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman sit on the chairs in the audience. The six remaining candidates are on stage.
Cartman: [a shot of him on a sofa] The swimsuit competition really gave us a fresh look at some of the candidates. [a shot of the three boys making comments during judging. Cartman takes notes]
Jimmy: [on a sofa] Well, I don't think I did too well in the... bathing suit competition. But I can't wait for the talent show competition. That'll really be my chance to... shine. [cut to Cartman's house den for the competition. Jimmy's doing his comedy routine] Wow, what a terrific audience. So anyway, a guy walks into a buh- ...A guy walks into a b- ...buh... [a shot of the three boys getting bored] A guy walks into a guy walks into a [goes into a sing-song mode] babuh ba-a-a, uh- [next, Towelie playing an electric guitar - "Stairway To Heaven" - but messes up]
Towelie: Okay wait... [starts over, but messes up. The boys are bored again] No, no wait. [tries again]
Cartman: Next please.
Token: [takes the mic] Well, what am I supposed to do?
Kyle: Anything that'll impress us, Token.
Cartman: If you were our friend, how would you keep us entertained?
Token: Aaaah. Oh, I know. [takes his shirt and ties it into a knot between his breasts, then begins to shake his butt, giving the impression of a hula girl]
Cartman: Very nice. [takes notes]
Stan: I like it. [takes notes]
Kyle: [back to recap] Well Token was a definite winner of the talent show. But then we decided to take everyone to a baseball game, to see how we got along there.
Scene Description: Coors Field in Denver. The game is underway. A shot of the field.
Announcer: There goes a hit to left field, and Foley's going to score.
Scene Description: The bleachers. Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Pip sit and watch the game.
All: Woohoo!
Kyle: Yeah! Isn't this great?!
Vendor: [making his way down the steps] Drinks! Get your drinks here.
Pip: Eho! Yes. Can I have some tea, please?
Cartman: You don't drink tea at a baseball game, you French piece of crap!
Pip: Oh, very well. Just some crumpets, then.
Cartman: All right, that does it! Pip, get the fudge out! Next! [Pip leaves his seat and Token comes in]
Stan: Okay, let's try this. [a shot of the field. The Jumbotron at center field loses focus and glimpses of Professor Chaos are seen]
Cartman: Hey, what's wrong with the Jumbotron?
Butters: People of Earth! Your meaningless lives are about to end! I am Professor Chaos, [Dougie comes into view] and this is my partner ih-in evil, General Disarray! In the past few days I have rained terror down upon the society that shunned me! And now it is time for my final Labor of Loathing! I am going to... flood... the world!
Man 3: Flood the world?
Man 4: My God!
Woman: [grabs onto someone] I don't wanna die, [screams] I DON'T WANNA DIE!
Butters: Oh yes. Every living creature and every sacred building will soon be under leagues and leagues of cold and dark water. And there is nothing you can do to stop me! General Disarray, begin the flooding of Earth! [Dougie goes to the faucet by the porch and turns it on, then brings the hose to Butters. Butters addresses the world] You brought this upon yourselves! You made the outcasts of the world! Now watch! Watch as your precious planet drowns! Watch! [points at the pool of water now forming on the ground. The crowd watches in silence]
Man 5: Dear Christ, who will save us?
Man 6: We have very little time to live. How, how shall we spend our last hours on earth? [the crowd stops and reflects...]
Fans: Yeah! All right! [everyone takes off their clothes and celebrates in their underwear]
Scene Description: Butters' house, day. Butters and Dougie are in the back yard watching their puddle grow and grow.
Butters: Our reign of terror is complete! Our tur- turmoil has now come full circle! [the two of them watch the hose yield its water, seemingly slowly] Hey, is the hose on full, General Disarray? [Dougie goes to look, then returns]
Dougie: It's on all the way.
Butters: Oh. Alright then. Nothing to do now but watch the world die! [cackles and dances around, then resumes watching the puddle grow. Day fades to night] Boy, this sure is takin' a long time.
Scene Description: Stan's house, dining room. The three boys sit at the table with pictures of the six candidates. They discuss their findings.
Stan: Okay, so how do we all feel about Towelie as our new friend? [holds up Towelie's picture]
Cartman: I think Towelie is awesome.
Kyle: Towelie is cool, but he gets stoned all the time. You can't really rely on him for anything.
Stan: [weary] Oh, this is giving me a headache.
Kyle: Eh now, [pounds the table with his fist] come on, you guys, we can't take this decision lightly. Whoever we pick is going to be the person we do everything with from now on.
Stan: [acquiescing] You're right. Well now, how about Timmy? [holds up Timmy's picture] He's quiet and he takes direction well. Really the perfect friend.
Cartman: Yeah, but Timmy can be really self-centered.
Stan: How about Token? [holds up Token's picture]
Cartman: Token's a smartass.
Kyle: So? You're a smartass!
Cartman: Yeah. Do we really need another one?
Kyle: Good point. [Stan sets the picture down. A door opens]
Jimmy: [approaches the table] Hey fellas. I was just in the neighborhood and I thought I'd stop by to s-gif- gift basket.
Cartman: [disgusted] Oh, thanks Jimmy.
Jimmy: There's some chocolates and lih-liquorice, and some games and peh- pencils inside.
Stan: That's great.
Kyle: Cool.
Jimmy: Yeah well, I guess I'll be seeing you, you friends later. [leaves]
Cartman: Alright Jimmy, see ya. [the door closes]
Stan: Suckup.
Scene Description: Butters' house, next day, backyard. The pool has covered much of the yard. General Disarray jumps in the water as Professor Chaos looks on passively on the porch.
Butters: Not long now, General Disarray, and... our horrible plan will be complete.
Dougie: Hey, do you think maybe we should build a boat? You know, like a little raft or something, so that when the world floods you and me and the minions can live?
Butters: Oh yeah. I hadn't thought o' that. That's a pretty good idea. I'll go get a hammer. [the sound of vehicles screeching to a stop outside the yard] Hey, who is that? [on the street, two Water Department vans come to a stop. Four men, two from each van, step out and get their tools. They enter the yard and approach the hose]
Worker 1: Is this it?
Worker 2: Yeah, two thirteen, that's the one. [Worker 1 proceeds to close the faucet]
Butters: Heeyyy, what are you doin'? [Worker 1 finishes and the workers leave, climb into their vans, and drive off. Professor Chaos and General Disarray look on in sad disbelief. Suddenly, Butters flares up] Aaaah! You may have won this time! But I will be back!
Dougie: What do we do now?
Butters: [softly, pensive] Well I had another idea of how to kill the world, but I thought it was... almost too horrible to e- to even speak of, but- [with anger growing] but now they have left me with no other choice!
Scene Description: Cartman's backyard, day. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman are on stage while the candidates sit in the audience. Pip is missing.
Cartman: Well, this is it. We have made our final decision and one of you is who we will be spending our childhood with, as our new friend. [the camera pans across the audience, showing the candidates close-up]
Jimmy: Oh puh please. Oh, Oh God... please. [Timmy just grins. Kyle draws the last rose from the box.]
Cartman: Four friends, just one rose. The moment of truth is here. Kyle? Who does the rose go to? [another shot of the candidates]
Scene Description: A hilltop, later. Butters reaches the top of a hill carrying a box, with a red sky above him. He sets the box down.
Butters: This is it, General Disarray. My final solution. [cut to a view of the town from said hill. ]
Dougie: [catches up] What evil plot do you have this time, Professor Chaos?
Butters: Simple, my dear general. We are going to tear down the Earth's precious atmosphere! Oh yes! My latest plan will melt the polar ice caps, a-and burn all the world with the, with the... hu- sun's harmful rays! [reaches into the box and withdraws a spray can] Say goodbye to your... precious ozone and hello to chaos! [begins spraying away. The can empties without discernible effect, and Butters tosses it down] Okay, hand me another one, General Disarray. [Dougie reaches in the box and takes out three cans. He gives one to Butters and keeps the other two. Butters quickly opens the can and sprays away, cackling all the while. Dougie opens his two cans and begins spraying as well, cackling along with Butters. The camera begins to zoom out]
Announcer: Will Professor Chaos's latest plot succeed and be the final undoing of Earth? [a shot of Stan, Cartman, Kyle, and the fourth boy under a blanket, all in Stan's living room] And which boy has been chosen to be the replacement for Kenny? [six adults are then shown: Chef, Mr. Garrison, Jimbo, Officer Barbrady, Ms. Choksondik, and Mayor McDaniels] And which of these six South Park residents was killed, and will never be seen again? [a question mark appears on screen] The answer to those questions will be answered... right now. [A final shot of Butters and Dougie with ten spent cans and three in use] No. [Stan's living room: the blanket comes off the fourth boy] Tweek. [on the street, in front of a house: Ms. Choksondik is on a gurney as paramedics cover her body with a blanket] Ms. Choksondik.


Scene Description: Kyle's house, day. Stan and Kyle are happily preparing a snowman, which now has twigs, buttons, a hat and scarf. Tweek stands behind Stan holding a carrot.
Stan: Okay, now put on the nose, Tweek. [Tweek moves forward, but then backs up. Stan rises and turns to Tweek]
Tweek: I can't. [presents the carrot] You do it.
Kyle: Just stick it on.
Tweek: But what if I put it in the wrong place?
Stan: Just put it between its eyes.
Tweek: GARH. But what if, while I'm putting on the nose, the snowman comes to life and tries to kill me?
Stan: Tweek, when has that ever happened, except for that one time?
Kyle: Yeah.
Butters: [happens by and waves] Hey, fellas.
Stan: [flatly] Oh, hey Butters.
Butters: How are things... going with your new best friend?
Kyle: [walks up to Tweek] Well, Tweek's okay, but he's certainly no Kenny! [takes the carrot from Tweek's hand]
Tweek: Arrrr!
Stan: Yeah, but he's still better than you, Butters.
Kyle: Yeah.
Butters: Well ah, that's good. Good luck being their new friend, Tweek. I hope you'll do better than me. Well, see ya fellas. [takes his leave, screen left. Stan and Kyle resume work on the snowman]
Tweek: Oh man, that is waaay too much pressure! [Kyle puts the carrot in place]
Cartman: [off screen. Stan and Kyle look] You guys, you guys! You're not gonna believe it! [excited, he rushes up and stands between then, holding an ad]
Stan: Uh oh.
Cartman: Everything's gonna be okay, you guys! Life isn't so crappy after all!
Tweek: It's not?
Cartman: No! I was looking in this magazine, and I found an ad for little ocean creatures that you can buy and raise in your room!
Kyle: No way.
Cartman: Look! [the boys draw close. The ad is shown] Sea people. You keep them under a big tank of water and they like, build castles and play basketball and stuff.
Kyle: Nuh uh.
Cartman: Yeah! And look! They ride around on turtles and they play games with fish.
Kyle: No way.
Cartman: [shows irritation] Okay, Kyle, you're being a Negative Nancy. Stop it. Eh, unless you want everyone to call you Negative Nancy from now on. [turns to Stan and Tweek and continues excitedly] Now, what we need is to all chip in four dollars, and we can have them here tomorrow!
Kyle: Only sixteen dollars? They can't be cool if they're only sixteen dollars. [Cartman's smile vanishes and he shuts his eyes.]
Cartman: If Nancy doesn't want to chip in, then it will be $5.35 per person!
Stan: Alright, I'll chip in.
Tweek: Gah! Me too.
Kyle: [resigned] Ah, alright.
Scene Description: Butters' house, day. He reaches his room.
Linda: Butters! Don't forget: dinner is in two hours!
Butters: [in the doorway] Wokay, mom. Ah I'm just gonna be up here, uh doin' my homework. [he enters and closes the door behind him. His evil face shows] Yes. By day he is mild-mannered, sweet, and innocent Butters BUT... [runs to his closet and opens the sliding door, then steps inside] nobody knows that he actually has a dark underside... [slides the door shut and changes clothes. He slides the door open and comes out dressed as] Professor Chaos! Haha! Time to wreak havoc on the world that shunned me! [runs to his window, opens it, and jumps out. He skulks through the woods nearby with an easel. He reaches a clearing and sets up the easel. General Disarray shows up pulling a wagon of firewood]
Dougie: Professor Chaos!
Butters: Ah, my faithful companion in world destruction, General Disarray.
Dougie: I have done as you asked and brought the first load of scrap wood.
Butters: Excellent, General Disarray! Now we can begin my most horrible evil plan yet to wreak havoc on humanity. [EVIL PLOT #4-B]
Dougie: What dastardly deed are we doing now?
Butters: Simple, my dear general. [flips the page over to show a drawing of the town with a huge shade over the town, held up by a tall pillar] We are going to block out the sun!
Dougie: [looking at the picture] Oh. [turns around]
Butters: Oh yes! I have plotted for weeks, and figured that if we build a huge ...wooden shade eighty feet high, a-and fifty feet wide [a hamster peers from the wood and drops back down again], precisely on this hill, South Park ...will forever be cast in a great shadow.
Dougie: Oh, awesome!
Butters: Soon, all people will have to live like moles! They will love only to remember with sorrow how great the sun used to be! [laughs with evil glee]
Dougie: Cool. It'll be just like on the Simpsons. [Butters stops laughing and freezes in place]
Butters: [tilts his head forward] Huh?
Dougie: They did that on the Simpsons. I think it was the Mr. Burns character. He tried to block Springfield from the sun.
Butters: He did? Hawww, heck. I thought I was bein' original.
Dougie: So how do we build it?
Butters: Aww, I don't wanna do it now [drops his hammer], not if they already did it on the Simpsons. [walks off dejected] I have to think of something else. [they walk through the woods] Uh Goddamnit, how come every time I think of something clever, the Simpsons already did it?
Scene Description: Cartman's house, night. The living room light is on. Cartman is sleeping, dreaming...
Cartman: Sea people... coming in the mail tomorrow... [bubbles appear as Cartman dreams] Yesss... Yeesss...
Scene Description: The dream sequence.
Cartman: [shown floating down to the briny deep. Two pairs of sea arms catch him. The sea couple rights him and walk with him in the middle] Look at me, livin' free Free and clean amongst the Sea People [the sea couple and he sail by in a tiny pirate ship. They take him into the castle] We look for pirates and search for gold. Life is an adventure with the Sea People [A sea man pitches to Cartman, who bats the ball for a run. As a sea family looks on he blows out the candles on a cake.] They don't ever complain, they don't call me fat. They don't make me do homework or nothin' like that. [he rides a sea horse alongside sea people on horseback and grins at the camera] This is the way life was meant to be. Laughin' and singing, [Shown walking with the sea couple again.] Sea people and me. Sea people and me, you guys.
Scene Description: The dream ends and the bubbles fade away. Cartman wakes up, smiling.
Cartman: Woowww. Only three more hours, sea people. [closes his eyes and turns to his left side] Only three hours and you can take me away from this crappy goddamned planet full of hippies. [goes to sleep]
Scene Description: Cartman's house, day. He's at his desk with the new kit while Stan, Kyle, and Tweek stand behind him. His dressed as a monarch, in suit, crown and cape.
Cartman: Okay. I've added the water purifier tablet to the Sea People Kingdom tank. Now it says [slowing down to read] "Step 2. [grabs a small sack] Add the Sea People eggs to the water; you will see sea life spring instantly." [smiles, then remembers something. He turns to face the other boys] Okay, let's just run through this one more time: when the sea people arrive I will welcome them to South Park as Ambassador of Earth. Tweek, you give them the key to the city, and we'll all engage them in simple conversation. We've gotta make sea people feel comfortable, okay? Ready?
Stan: Ready. Let's see 'em.
Cartman: [turns to the tank] Hold the sign up, Kyle! [Kyle picks a sign up off the floor and holds it to his chest] Higher, Kyle! [Kyle raises it higher, in front of his face] Okay. [opens the egg sack and whispers] Here we go. [pours the eggs into the tank and taps the bag for good measure. Kyle moves the sign a bit so he could peek. Cartman grins again in anticipation, but it fades. Kyle lowers the sign to his chest. Cartman looks from various angles, then takes out the magnifying glass for a closer look. Two pale shrimp crawl around in the tank. Kyle drops the sign]
Stan: Are they playing basketball? [Cartman picks up the box and looks at the front. A close-up of a sea couple. Cartman looks in the tank and sees just shrimp. He looks displeased, Kyle has the sign in hand again]
Cartman: What the fuck is this?! [Stan approaches and looks in the tank]
Stan: Hey, these are brine shrimp. I used to feed them to my fish.
Cartman: I got RIPPED OFF! [pounds the desk and sets the box on the floor to his left]
Kyle: I told you, Cartman.
Cartman: [approaches Kyle and confronts him] Oh, shut up, Kyle!!! Shut your Goddamned Jew mouth!!! You people are why there's war in the Middle East!!! [moves on to Tweek] And you, Tweek!! Why don't you learn to button your shirt right, for once?! You're as bad as Stan with his stupid girlfriend, always spending time with her!! God, I hate you guys!! [his rant ended, he walks across the room] They were supposed to take me away to their underwater kingdom. They were supposed to take me on adventures of the deep.
Tweek: [shaking] They package brine shrimp and sell them to kids? That's not right, man!
Stan: What are we gonna do with them?
Cartman: [at the window] Who cares?! Throw 'em away!!
Kyle: [approaches the tank] Hey! Let's pour them in the teacher's coffee tomorrow morning.
Stan: Yeah, that'd be funny.
Cartman: [brightly] Heheh, okay, okay.
Scene Description: Next day, Ms. Choksondik's house. The scene from last episode is carried on here, only zoomed out. The paramedics take Ms. Choksondik's corpse into the ambulance as a crowd looks on. The adults murmur amongst themselves. The ambulance pulls away and Cartman pulls the other boys in with some urgency.
Cartman: Alright, listen to me! We must take a strict vow of silence!
Tweek: [blurts out] Jesus Christ, we killed her!
Cartman: [rushes to Tweek and covers his mouth] Shh! Tweek, shut the hell up!
Scene Description: Dougie's house. He's doing homework on the living room coffee table when a doorbell rings. He goes to answer it. He opens the door and Butters steps in with something under wraps.
Butters: General Disarray, are your parents home?
Dougie: No.
Butters: Ah, I've done it, General Disarray. I've completed my most horrible deed to date.
Dougie: What?
Butters: You know that big statue in the town square of pioneer John Wesley Powell? I snuck over there with a hacksaw and uh, and I cut off his head! [pulls the cover off and laughs maniacally] Hahahahaa, yeah!
Dougie: Oh, uh...
Butters: Hahaha, and they're probably just realizing that now! Quick! We must turn on the news! [turns on the TV]
News anchor: ... but Hillary Clinton's ass just keeps getting bigger. [the image in the small box changes from Hillary to that of the decapitated statue] Also in the news tonight, a vandal has apparently cut off and stolen the head of the Powell statue in the South Park Town Square.
Butters: Look! Look! I've made the news! I-I've wreaked havoc!
News anchor: The head was taken in the early morning hours and the police have no leads.
Butters: I finally made the world sorry! I've brought sadness, a-and chaos!
News anchor: This act, of course, reminded us all of the time that Bart Simpson [a picture of him appears in the box] took the head of the Springfield statue in one of their classic episodes. Here's what some people had to say:
Man 1: Well, I, I think whoever took the head was... really just doing an homage to the Simpsons. [laughs] Heh, I think it's great.
Woman: Yes, it really made me reflect on that episode and laugh.
Man 2: Well the Simpsons is such a great show, and we need reminders like this to keep us watching.
Butters: Oh. Uh-m, son of a bitch.
News anchor: The police say that instead of looking for the missing head, they'd rather leave it off and be reminded of the Simpsons every day.
Butters: Well why didn't you tell me the Simpsons already did that?
Dougie: You seemed so proud, I didn't wanna bum you out.
Butters: [walks away hanging his head] Stupid Simpsons...
Scene Description: Kyle's house, night. The boys watch TV on the sofa.
Terrance: Hello there, Phillip. I brought you something.
Phillip: Oh, what is it? [Terrance farts and Phillip comments, but the boys talk over him]
Kyle: See? We're just watching cartoons, like always. Nothing's changed.
Tweek: Jesus Christ, she's dead!!
Stan: Stop it, Tweek! We're pretending like nothing happened.
Terrance: Phillip, I think I may have accidentally killed Celine Dion.
Phillip: [gasps] Killing is never an accident, you dickface! [farts, and the two of them crack up]
Stan: Oh jeez, change the channel.
News anchor: And in other news, still no cause of death found for elementary school teacher Diane Choksondik. However, doctors say that during the autopsy they did find semen in her stomach. [there's a pause and the boys look aghast]
Stan: They found the sea men! It's only a matter of time before they find the women, too!
News anchor: The autopsy is ongoing and cause of death is yet to be determined.
Kyle: Oh God!
Stan: We're dead!
Tweek: Oh Jesus! [moves off the couch] That's it, man! I want nothing more to do with you guys!
Cartman: Tweek! Where are you going?
Tweek: They're gonna find you out! Then when they do I don't wanna be within fifty feet of you! You're gonna fry, man!
Stan: Hey, Tweek, you're in this just as much as we are!
Tweek: What?! I told you NOT to put the sea people in her coffee! I wasn't even there when you did it!
Kyle: Yeah, but you're our new friend and that makes you cul.. p-piable!
Cartman: In fact, that makes you the most responsible. Tweek, you might have to take the fall on this one.
Tweek: Rrrr-hr-hrrr!!!
Scene Description: Chef's house, night. The boys arrive at his house and ring the bell. He opens the door and sees them.
Chef: Oh, well, hello there, children.
Stan: Chef, we did something kind of bad.
Kyle: We don't know who else to talk to.
Chef: Ohh, I'm sure your little cracker problems ain't all that bad. Come on in. [the boys enter and Chef leads them to the sofa] Now, just sit down and take a deep breath and tell ol' Chef what's goin' on.
Stan: [pause] We need you to promise not to tell anybody.
Chef: Now, children, every problem can be worked out. What was it?
Stan: We... killed our teacher and they found our seamen in her stomach.
Chef: ...Oh, children, that's a problem we all have to face at one time or another. Here: let me sing you a little song that might cheer you up. Sometimes you kill your teacher and they find your semen in her stomach, and uh Wait! What the what?!
Stan: [beat] So what should we do? [Chef thinks, then goes and pushes the sofa towards the door and onto the entry path]
Kyle: Wow, I guess this really is a big deal.
Cartman: We've only got one option, you guys. We're gonna have to go to that hospital where they're doing the autopsy and get our seamen back ourselves.
Tweek: Gnaaahahahah! [pulls on his hair and looks at his fist] I pulled out my hair!
Scene Description: Dougie's house, night. In the living room Butters begins to pitch ideas.
Butters: Wokay, how about this, Dougie? [backs up to the easel. On it is the schematic to plan #123-D] I-I'm going' to pose as a real-estate agent and con everyone in town into buyin' a monorail. And then skip town with all their money. [Dougie just looks back] No?
Dougie: ...Simpsons did it. They did it in episode 204.
Butters: Wokay [flips to the next page to show #124-A], then I'm goin' to start a Web site to spread vicious ru-rumors about everyone in town! And and then I'll take their-
Dougie: Simpsons did it!
Butters: [flips to plan #129-E] I'll bury a skeleton wearing angel wings so that the townspeople will think a fallen angel has fallen-
Dougie: Simpsons did it!
Scene Description: Hell's Pass Hospital, night. Cartman leads the other boys into the coroner's office.
Stan: This is it.
Cartman: Alright, everyone scatter and look for the seamen. Tweek, stay by the door and keep a look out. If you see anybody coming, say the code word: Hammertime.
Tweek: Hammertime? Can't the code word just be... "lookout"? I won't remember "Hammertime"!
Cartman: [whispers] Ugh. [then] Just remember the song "Can't Touch This" and you'll remember the code word!
Stan: Yeah, stupid.
Tweek: Oh, God. [the boys split up. Tweek goes to the door ajar and steps out, Kyle to a table to the right, Cartman to a table to the left, Stan to the supply closet. Cartman opens the doors under his table and looks around, then goes to Kyle's table to check out the drawers there.]
Kyle: [takes a wide covered beaker and look in it] There's nothing here! [puts it back and Stan approaches]
Stan: Dude, it's probably still in her stomach. [Kyle approaches the corpse in the middle of the room and pulls back the cover. Ms. Choksondik's chest and abdomen have been cut open right down the front]
Cartman: Is it her?
Kyle: Yeah, it's Ms. Choksondik alright.
Stan: What do we do now?
Cartman: Just reach in there and get the seamen out of her stomach! [the boys look at him, shocked] Oh, God! You guys are such pussies! [starts digging around in the belly] Hemmm...
Tweek: [voices are heard; he rushes back in] Erm! Hff. You gu-guys! Ha... Hamme- [covers his mouth] I can't remember uh-the code word!
Stan: Do you see the sea people.
Cartman: No, just a bunch of goo.
Tweek: [hushed tones. Shadows appear down the hall and move towards the room] You guys! Um, dum dumdumdum, dumdum, dumdum. Can't touch this. Dum dumdumdum, dumdum, dumdum. Can't touch this.
Kyle: Ms. Choksondik stinks inside. [covers his nose]
Stan: Yeah.
Tweek: [two people come down the hall] ...dumdum, dumdum. Can't touch this. Dum dumdumdum, dumdum, then stop. HAMMERTIME!
Stan: Aaah!
Kyle: Quick. Hide. [the boys disperse. Stan runs to the closet he looked in earlier, Kyle to one on the opposite side, Tweek behind the door]
Voice: [outside] Yeah, well, at least we got Shannon Sharp back. [Cartman burrows his way into Ms. Choksondik's corpse]
Doctor 1: Alright, let's just leave the semen sample next to the corpse; I wanna run a hair fiber test next. [snips a piece of hair off and turns around. They both walk back out]
Doctor 2: Hey, do you smell children?
Doctor 1: No, that's not... [voice fades. The doctors leave and the boys come out of their hiding places. Cartman is still in the corpse]
Kyle: Got it!
Stan: Let's go! [He, Kyle, and Tweek head out the door quickly. Cartman pops out of Ms. Choksondik's corpse gasping for air]
Scene Description: Butters house, later that night. Butters presents plan #127-C.
Butters: Bring the World Cup to South Park so the... a huge soccer riot can destroy the-
Dougie: Simpsons did it! Simpsons did it!
Butters: [flips to plan #125-E] Take all the beer cans in South Park and have them shaken up in a huge mixer at the paint store so that-
Dougie: Episode 9F17 entitled "So It's Come To This!"
Butters: [seethes for a few seconds] Fine! Then maybe I'll just forget about destroying the town and just run away and join the circus! [sits down next to Dougie]
Dougie: ...Simpsons did it.
Butters: Dwaah!!
Scene Description: Cartman's house, later. In his room he takes the semen sample and pours it into his tank, tapping the rim of the tank so the semen can start moving. The semen slides into the tank and puts the lid back on.
Cartman: There. We just put the sea people back in the tank with the others, and nobody will ever know. [looks at his hands] The blood is washed neatly from our hands. [the door opens and Chef enters with a bunch of stuff.]
Chef: Alright, children, I got you four tickets to Thailand [in his right hand, with a sports bag] and three hundred dollars cash [inside the suitcase in his left hand]. It's gonna be tough living for a while. You might have to do things for money you never thought of doin' before.
Cartman: [stopping Chef] It's alright, Chef! We got our sea people out of the teacher's stomach and we put them back in their aquarium!
Chef: [confused] ...Wait, what? Sea people?
Stan: The sea people that we put in the teacher's coffee.
Chef: Uhh, maybe you'd better start from the beginning.
Scene Description: Forty-three seconds later...
Stan: ...and then we put them back in the tank.
Chef: [drops the bag, suitcase, and tickets] Oohhh, children, you misunderstood. Sea people is different from se-men.
Kyle: It is?
Chef: Yes! That stuff that was in that vial didn't come from you, it came from someone else. [begins to chuckle] I thought you children took turns rapin' and then murdered the teacher. [laughs]
Cartman: Well if they found somebody else's sea men in her stomach, maybe they'll find our sea people, too.
Chef: Relax, children, drinkin' some brine shrimp can't kill you. Your teacher must have died from something else.
Kyle: Oh, really?? [all four boys let out a sigh of relief]
Tweek: Egh! I'm so relieved. Gaah-ah-ah!
Chef: Alright. You children have had a long night. Why don't we all get some rest and on Monday, I'll sing you a song explainin' the difference between semen and sea people. [picks up the stuff. The boys approach] Come on, children. I'll walk you all home. [the boys follow Chef out]
Stan: [turns and waves to Cartman] Okay. Goodnight, Cartman. [turns and exits. Kyle follows]
Cartman: G'night, guys.
Kyle: I'm so glad we're not murderers. [Cartman closes the door behind them, moves to his bed and talkes off his hat and shoes. He places his hat on a corner of the footboard and hops into bed]
Cartman: [settling in] Ah, so great that everything is finally back to normal. [dozes off. The camera moves to the tank to look at the tank.]
Scene Description: South Park, next day. Stan, Kyle, and Tweek stand at the bus station waiting for the bus.
Cartman: [rushes up] H'you guys! Come quick! [turns and runs off] You won't believe it!
Stan: Oh no, what now? [the boys turn left and follow]
Scene Description: Cartman's house, later. He leads them to his room, to the tank.
Cartman: Those sea men from the teacher's stomach somehow combined with the remaining sea people we had left in the tank and, ah, well LOOK! [the other three approach the tank. Cartman picks up the magnifying glass for a closer look]
Kyle: Whoa. [the close-up reveals a budding civilization with sea people building multi-story apartments and reads. The brine shrimp have begun to morph into sea people. Some of them wear clothes]
Stan: How? How did that happen?
Cartman: I've been up for hours doing some calculations, and I've come up with my final theory of composite dynamics. [brings out a small chalkboard with an equation written on it and points to the various parts of the equation] Sea people plus sea men equals sea ciety.
Kyle: Whoa.
Stan: They've already accomplished so much.
Tweek: They're like, bacteria. Small organisms live much faster lives and do things at a much faster rate.
Cartman: That's right, Tweek. And if my theory is correct, all we need to get is more of the two reacting agents, and we can really see them thrive. Tweek!
Tweek: Hr!
Cartman: You go and send away for more sea people from the magazine ad! Get at least five gallons of them here stat! Stan and Kyle, you go find a bigger fish tank to put them all in.
Kyle: Well what are you gonna do?
Cartman: Me? [camera closes in on him] I'm gonna go out on the town and find ten gallons of sea men.
Scene Description: Dougie's room, day. Butters and Dougie are in costume. Between them is a contraption under a white sheet.
Butters: I've done it, General Disarray. I've watched all one hundred and thirty-two episodes of the Simpsons, twice. And I've finally come up with something... tha they have never done! Uh, behold! [pulls the sheet off] This device that I have made will take the cherries out of chocolate-covered cherries and replace the inside instead, with two-month-old mayonnaise. [grins] People will think that they are gonna get a bite of a sweet, delicious cherry, but, instead, they'll get a mouth full of yuckies, and sticky mayonnaise. Hey! [begins to cackle. Dougie fiddles with the machine] You've never ...seen this on the Simpsons, right?
Dougie: No, I think the Simpsons would be more clever than that.
Butters: Good! Then l-let us take my machine outside and make society finally pay for sh-shunning us!
Announcer: [a commercial for Cheesy-Poofs gives way to a Simpsons commercial] Tonight on the Simpsons: It's a laughorama when Bart builds a machine that takes the cherries out of chocolate-covered cherries and replaces them instead, with mayonnaise.
Butters: Nnno [turns and faces the TV], uh no, no, it can't be.
Dougie: Uh oh, Simpsons did it! Simpsons did it! [a shot of the TV]
Butters: No! No! [begins hallucinating]
Dougie: [now looking like Bart and no longer in costume] Simpsons did it! Simpsons did it!
Butters: Aaaaah!
Dougie: Don't have a cow, man.
Butters: Oh sweet Jesus!
Scene Description: Sperm Bank of South Park, day. Cartman hums as he approaches the door. He enters and walks down the hall. The tellers follow him with their eyes.
Woman: Can I help you?
Cartman: Yes, my mommy told me this is where I could find some sea men?
Woman: Your... mom told you?
Cartman: Do you have them or not?
Woman: We... sell semen, yes, but not normally to children.
Cartman: What's your name?
Woman: Frances Velman.
Cartman: Frances, let's talk. I don't want a bunch of bullcrap from you and you don't a bunch of bullcrap from me, right? Where does that get us? Nowhere. The truth is, I'm completely certified to handle sea men, and though I may appear young, I'm one of the leading sea men authorities of the Midwest. Up and comer, you know what I'm saying? I'll have my own business soon and I'll need people to run it. I'm talkin' about you, Frances. And I'm talkin' about a six-figure income. How does that sound? [she looks at him and rises, moving off to her left.]
Frances: [goes to a refrigerator and pulls out a sample] Everything we supply here is by a quarter-ounce. [returns to the desk and gives it to Cartman] One donor, certified, on record.
Cartman: [inspecting the vial] I see, very interesting. [pulls the cap off and pours the semen onto his left hand]
Frances: What are you doing?
Cartman: Takin' a look here. [pulls out a portable microscope and inspects the semen between his left thumb and index finger. He stretches and squishes the semen. Frances looks on puzzled] Seems like quality stuff you got here, Frances. Yeah, good texture, nice consistency. Sea men must be alive and healthy in there. I'll take five.
Frances: Five? Vials?
Cartman: No, gallons.
Frances: Www-we don't have that much here.
Cartman: Dammit! Give me all you've got, then! [the seminal fluid slides down on his fingers]
Scene Description: South Park, in town. Butters runs from Dougie, who chases after him.
Butters: Aaah! Ah, Ah, Aaah! Nooo! Nooo!
Dougie: Simpsons did it!! Simpsons did it!! [Butters runs past Tom's Rhinoplasty, but stops to look at the town. It warps into Springfield; Tom's Rhinoplasty becomes Wink-E Mart]
Butters: Waaaah! [starts to run again, and the school bus pulls up. Butters hails it down.] Hay! Uh let me on! Let me on! [the door opens and Butters steps on]
Ms. Crabtree: [looking like Otto the driver, but still with bird in hair] SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP!!!
Butters: [jumps backwards] Haaah! [ends up on his back on the sidewalk as the bus pulls away]
Mr. Garrison: [looking like Smithers] Butters, have you seen Mr. Hat?
Chef: [looking like Dr. Hibbert] Hello there, children!
Butters: [runs back the other way] Aaah! Nooo! [Chef and Garrison look at each other]
Mr. Garrison: ...What the hell's wrong with him?
Scene Description: Cartman's room, later. Stan looks at the aquarium and sees the civilization has developed further. Pyramids now appear. The sound of running water is in the background. Cut to Kyle filling a larger tank with a water hose..
Stan: Look, the sea people have evolved to an Egyptian-like culture.
Tweek: Soon they'll discover frozen food. Goh-ho.
Cartman: [entering] That should be enough water, Kyle. You got the new sea-people packets, Tweek?
Tweek: Uh-uh huh.
Stan: Well, drop them in! [Tweek opens the packets and drops the contents in]
Cartman: And I've got the sea men. [raises a bowl of semen up to the tank and begins scooping the fluid into the tank.]
Kyle: Wow. That's a lot of sea men you've got there, Cartman.
Cartman: Yeah, I bought all that I could at this bank, and then I got the rest from this guy Ralph in an alley.
Stan: That's cool.
Cartman: Yeah, and the sweet thing is, this stupid asshole didn't even charge me money for it. He just made me close my eyes and suck it out of a hose. Heh. [scoops out the last of the semen] There we go. [drops the empty bowl]
Stan: [hands Cartman the smaller tank] Okay, now let's put the sea ciety in its new home. [Cartman takes the tank and turns it over, pouring the sea ciety into the larger tank. Screams are heard from the sea people]
Cartman: Nothin' to do now but wait.[the boys huddle around the new, larger tank.]
Stan: ...Close your eyes and suck it out of a hose?
Cartman: Uh-huh, suck it out of a hose, yeah.
Stan: Hm.
Kyle: Huh.
Scene Description: Cartman's house, next day. He's asleep, but begins to stir. His eyes open and he grins at what he sees. He hops off the bed and rushes to the tank. He looks here and there and finds a more advanced civilization in the tank.
Cartman: Oh my God! The tiny underwater civilization has advanced hundreds of years. [grabs his magnifier and looks at the society. It now looks Roman. He begins to speak in wonder] Look! There's a library! A-and a temple! And a- who-? [spots a statue. It's one of him. Hundreds of sea people worship it] Oh. They think I'm God. [throws the magnifier away and rejoices] Yes!!! I am god of the sea people!!! You hear that?! [runs to his window, throws the doors open and screams out] I am god of the sea people!!! I am master of their great sunken empire!!! [his mom opens the door and takes some trash to the trash can next to the driveway] Mo-o-om! I'm god of the sea people!
Liane: [returning to the house] That's nice, poopie. [enters and closes the door]
Scene Description: Butters' house, day. He's sitting in the living room, which now takes the appearance of the Simpson living room.
News anchor: [shown as Kent Brockman] And in other South Park News, elementary school teacher Ms. Choksondik's [Simpsonized] autopsy has shown that the semen in her stomach belongs to school counselor, Mr. Mackey. [also Simpsonized] However, the semen apparently did NOT contribute to the death, and so Mr. Mackey's identity is to remain anonymous. [Mackey's image becomes a silhouette and a question mark appears over it. Simpsonized Stan and Kyle enter the room.]
Stan, Kyle: Hey Butters.
Butters: [spots their altered appearance] Haaa!
Stan: Hey, what are you doing, man? Cartman says he has something really cool to show everybody. You've gotta come.
Butters: Cartman?
Cartman: [arrives, shown as Nelson] Ha ha! [Butters is just stunned.]
Scene Description: Cartman's house, whick now looks like a typical Springfield house, day. In Cartman's room, everyone but Butters is shown Simpsons-style. Present are Chef, Mr. Garrison, Liane, Tweek, Timmy, Stan, Kyle, Cartman, Dougie, and Butters. Cartman displays his new sea ciety.
Cartman: Behold! You all see my tiny minions groveling at my likeness! I am Eric Cartman, god.
Kyle: Hey. We paid for the sea people too. How come they're not making statues of us? [Butters looks on with some trepidation]
Cartman: Be you not jealous, Jew. I am creator of all things, yea.
Mr. Garrison: That is very impressive, Eric. What do you intend to do with your underwater society?
Cartman: I'm gonna send a message to my people and tell 'em to develop a great machine that will shrink me down to their size, so I can live amongst them forever.
Butters: [sensing a chance to retort] Aha! Ahaha! Ahahahaha!
Cartman: What the hell is wrong with you, Butters?
Butters: They did that on the Simpsons! Ha! Treehouse of Horror! Episode 4F02! The Genesis tub. Lisa loses a tooth, and the bacteria on it starts to grow, and makes a little society, and they build a statue of her thinking she's God! Ha! Hahaha!
Cartman: [everyone is silent for a few seconds, then] ...So?
Kyle: ...Yeah. So?
Cartman: Dude, the Simpsons have done everything already. Who cares?
Stan: Yeah, and they've been on the air for like, thirteen years. Of course they've done everything.
Mr. Garrison: Every idea's been done, Butters, even before the Simpsons.
Chef: Yeah. In fact, that episode was a rip-off of a Twilight Zone episode.
Butters: Really? So I shouldn't care if I come up with an idea, and the Simpsons already did it. It... uh...doesn't... matter. [smiles. Everything before him is back in South Park-style] Everything is back to normal, a, I think... I think I can go back to tryin' to destroy the world again.
Chef: Good for you!
Cartman: Yeah, that's great Butters. Now get the hell out of my room.
Butters: [heads for the door] I feel like a spring chicken. I'm ready to wreak havoc once again! [runs out of the room. Dougie stays behind]
Stan: Hey, look everybody! The other side of the aquarium is building another statue! [the others turn around to see. Shown is a statue of Tweek in progress]
Kyle: Hey! It's Tweek.
Tweek: Me?? Aw, man! I don't wanna be a god. That is waaay too much pressure.
Cartman: That is bullcrap! You'd better stop worshiping him, sea people! [small explosions are seen and the tank jumps]
Mr. Garrison: What's going on now?
Kyle: The sea people from Cartman's side are suicide-bombing the buildings on Tweek's side.
Tweek: Gaaa-hah!
Cartman: Yeah! Go! [two more explosions are seen]
Tweek: NOW what's happening?
Stan: The sea people on Tweek's side just suicide-bombed the Cartman statue.
Cartman: Oh God-damnit! [two missiles, one from behind each statue, fly towards the surface and back down towards their respective targets. The impacts both missiles create tear the tank apart and the sea people flood out of the tank. Screams are heard as they fall to the ground. Cartman is stunned, he looks and falls on his knees.] Oh no! Oh the humanity!
Mr. Garrison: Well it was a nice project while it lasted, boys.
Kyle: Yep. But I guess this proves that war is the natural order of life.
Cartman: Why can't societies just live in peace?


Scene Description: South Park Catholic Church, day. Organ music plays. Inside, Priest Maxi is at the pulpit speaking to the congregation.
Priest Maxi: Parents, it's that time of year again when the bishops and priests from around the country are organizing the Young Men's Catholic Retreat. This year, we're taking the boys on a weekend boat trip to discuss Jesus's role as the Navigator of our lives.
Stan: That sounds pretty fun.
Randy: [pondering] A Catholic boat trip? [raises his left eyebrow and begins to daydream. He first sees a ship and disco music starts to play. What he imagines is "The Catholic Boat," a television program about cruises on a luxury cruise ship.]
Singer: The Catholic Boat's gonna be headin' on out today. The Catholic Boat. Time to throw all of your cares away. Get some hot Christian action; it'll make you-
Scene Description: As the song is sung, the show's logo appears: "The Catholic Boat." A pink anchor rises and ushers in the next scene: A happy Father Michaels stroking his chin. A second anchor, and Young Boy #1 (Butters) is shown. A third anchor and Father Williams appears. He pulls his shirt up to expose his chest. The fourth anchor, and Young Boy #2 (Tweek) is shown. The fifth anchor, and three priests, Fathers Abraham, Duncan, and Ortiz, are shown partying. Father Abraham falls over laughing. Father Duncan grabs Father Ortiz behind the head and pushes the head down... The sixth anchor, and Young Boy #3 (Stan) is shown. A priest's arm appears, running the index finger all over Stan's face...
Randy: [snapping out of it] Waaah! Waaah! [stops. Everyone in church looks at him, including Priest Maxi] Uyah [coughs a few times and clears his throat] ahem. 'Scuse me.
Scene Description: South Park Catholic Church, day. Mass ends and the congregants go to their cars. A crowd gathers around Randy. The McCormicks are present.
Randy: Look, I just don't think it's the best idea to let our boys to go on a c-cruise with the priests.
Richard: We can let them go, can we?
Linda: There's no way my son's going.
Scene Description: A black SUV, nearby. Stan, Cartman and Tweek are in the back seat. Cartman looks out the closed window.
Stan: What are they talking about?
Cartman: I don't know.
Tweek: Maybe they wanna kill us.
Scene Description: Back to the crowd.
Randy: With everything that's been in the news, I think it's best to keep our kids... far away from the priests.
Stuart: [dressed in fur-lined denim] Now, come on, everybody, just because a few priests in the country have been corrupted doesn't mean that all priests are child molesters.
Richard: Well, sure, that's easy for you to say; your son's dead. But those of us with alive children need to be sure that Father Maxi's on the up-and-up.
Sharon: I've heard about other towns bringing in counselors that know how to find things out from kids without really telling them what's going on.
Randy: It couldn't hurt.
Richard: Uh, Sh-sh. Here he comes, here he comes. [all fall silent, then start whistling as Father Maxi passes by.]
Priest Maxi: [stops to listen] Uh... Good-bye, everyone.
All: [not all at once] Good-bye, Father. [resume whistling as Father Maxi walks off]
Stephen: Alright, then, it's settled. Tomorrow we'll find an outside counselor and... find out the truth.
Scene Description: Park County Community Center, next day. The boys are chattering when a woman comes in and stands before them.
Counselor: Hi boys. My name is Ms. Gorache and I need to ask you a few questions about your priest, okaaay?
Boys: Okay.
Counselor: Okay. Would you say that Father Maxi is... nice? Or mean?
Boys: [separately] Nice.
Stan: Um, cool.
Counselor: Okaaay, what words would you use to describe your church's priest? [long pause]
Butters: Compassionate.
Counselor: Okay. And did Father Maxi, at any time, ever try to put something in your butt? [long pause]
Cartman: Ih... in our... butt?
Counselor: You don't need to be ashamed or embarrassed. Just, did he ever try to put anything in your butt?
Stan: ...Like ...money? What?
Butters: You mean, like a goldfish?
Counselor: No, no. Did he ever try to put anything that belonged to him in your butt?
Boys: [in unison] No.
Scene Description: The Community Center, hallway. The parents wait for the counselor to finish talking with the boys.
Thomas: This is ridiculous, havin' to sit out here waitin' to find out if our priest molested our kids.
Roger: Yeah, what has Catholicism come to anyway?
Randy: [rising. The others on his bench rise with him] You know, I think we've just had it with the Church. All the horrible things they've done to kids, I... I think I'm gonna become an atheist!
Richard: That's a good idea. I'm gonna be an atheist too.
Linda: Let's all be atheists!
All: Yeah, yeah, alright.
Roger: If there was a god, why would he let our kids be molested in the first place?
Stephen: Yeah, let's kill God, yeah!
Randy: Well uh, let's, let's just be atheists.
Stephen: [thinks a bit, then looks at Randy] ...Same thing.
Randy: Yeah! [all clamor and charge out of the center]
Scene Description: South Park proper, on the curb. Stan, Cartman, and Tweek sit and think about stuff...
Stan: What would the priest ...possibly want to put in our butts? [silence. Only birds are heard]
Cartman: [thinking] Maybe... No.
Kyle: [stopping by] Hey dudes.
Stan, Cartman: Hey.
Tweek: Arr!
Kyle: What are you guys doin'?
Stan: We had to go meet with this counselor lady, and she asked us if the priest ever put anything in our butts.
Kyle: In your butts?
Cartman: Yeah, isn't that the damnedest thing?
Kyle: Why would he put anything in your butts?
Stan: We don't know. We're- that's what we're tryin' to figure out.
Cartman: Hm.
Kyle: [joins them on the curb] Hm. [long pause]
Chef: [stopping by] Hello there, children!
Stan: Chef! What would a priest want to stick up my butt?
Chef: Good-bah! [leaves quickly]
Tweek: Rrrh. Nobody is going to tell us. This is going to drive me insane!
Kyle: Calm down, Tweek. There has to be a rational explanation.
Cartman: Aw, dude, I think I might have it.
Stan: What?
Cartman: [gets up and starts pacing] It makes perfect sense. Okay, w-work with me on this: if you eat food, you crap out your butt, right?
Kyle: Yeah.
Cartman: Alright, now keep working with me here, it's getting a little complicated. If you eat food and crap out your butt, then maybe, if you stuck food in your butt, you crap out your mouth. [long pause] Hm?
Kyle: Cartman, that's the dumbest thing you've ever said - this week!
Cartman: What, that's not dumb. Think about it: food goes in the mouth, comes out the butt. Food goes in the butt, comes out the mouth. That's not dumb, that's genius.
Kyle: It wouldn't work!
Cartman: Have you ever tried it?
Kyle: I don't need to. It wouldn't work.
Cartman: I bet you twenty bucks it'll work!
Kyle: You're on, fat boy!
Cartman: Okay, let's go, Jew! [Cartman rushes off and Kyle follow. Stan and Tweek remain seated on the curb.]
Parents: [pass by in a crowd screaming] Yeah, yeah! Down with God! Down with God!
Randy: Stan, you're an atheist now!
Richard: You too, Tweek!
Parents: [moving on] Yeah, yeah! Down with God! Down with God!
Tweek: I'm a what??
Scene Description: Diocesan headquarters, day. Sixteen priests are present in the boardroom, with Father Maxi presiding.
Priest Maxi: Fathers, I want to thank you all for coming.
Priest 1: [African-American] No, thank you for finally organizing an all-priests meeting, Father Maxi. I think we all agree something has to be done, quickly. [the other priests concur]
Elderly priest: Well, I don't know how it's been for all of you, but attendance at my church in Fort Rawlins is down sixty-three percent! [pounds on the table for emphasis]
Priest 2: I'm down almost seventy in Greenleaf.
Priest Maxi: Uh-yes, uh, I'm afraid if things keep going the way they are, we could lose our entire religion.
Elderly priest: Yes, we've gotta stop these boys from goin' to the public!
Fat priest: They've gotta know to keep their mouths shut!
Other priests: That's right, yeah.
Priest Maxi: Right, and so... wa- wait a minute. What?
Priest 1: Yes, but we've got to find out why these children are suddenly finding it necessary to report that they're being molested. Stop the problem at its source.
Priest 2: Yes, but how?
Priest 3: [amid discussion] Something has to be done.
Priest 4: We've got to stop this-
Priest Maxi: [rising] Whoa, whoa, hold on a second! The problem is that children are being molested, not that they're reporting it! [all fall silent]
Elderly priest: How do you mean?
Priest Maxi: Well, I mean, obviously, what we need to put a stop to is all the sexual misconduct that is allowed to take place in our churches, and not just tell the children not to tell anybody about it. I mean, right?
Priest 1: Well did any of the children you've molested come forward?
Priest Maxi: No.
Priest 1: Well, that's good.
Priest Maxi: No, I mean! I've never molested any of the children in my church!
Elderly priest: Hih-it's okay, Father Maxi. We're all priests here; the doors are closed.
Priest Maxi: Oh for the love of God! Are you all saying that you've engaged in inappropriate relations with your altar boys? We are here to bring the light of God, not harm the innocent! [the other priests look at him and laugh] I'm serious!
Priest 2: Father, uh, having sex with boys is part of the Catholic priest's way of life.
Other priests: Yeah. [they continue to talk, but Father Maxi isn't listening...]
Priest Maxi: Dear God. This problem is much more severe than I could have possibly imagined. I have to go to the Vatican and get help.
Scene Description: South Park Elementary School, boys' bathroom, day. A group of fourth-grade boys gather around a toilet as Cartman stands before it trying to crap into it... with his mouth.
Kyle: Well, Cartman?
Cartman: [turns to look at Kyle] Hold on! [turns back to the task at hand] God, let a man crap!
Craig: [entering] What's going on?
Stan: Cartman shoved food up his ass and now he's tryin' to crap out his mouth.
Craig: Oh. [leaves]
Kyle: Well, go on, smartass, and do it!
Cartman: I'm doin' it already!! God, give me a minute!
Stan: You've had five, dude!
Cartman: [looking at the boys] I can't-, I can't do it with you guys watching. Turn around.
Kyle: No! Because you'll just crap out your butt and then say it came out of your mouth!
Cartman: Ugh! Do you really think I'd be that deceitful, you guys?! [the other boys fix their gaze at him] Ugh, goddammit you guys, this is so seriously. [tries again. A few spasms later and a big log of crap comes out his mouth and into the toilet. All the boys are stunned, even Cartman.]
Kyle: Get the fuck out of here!
Cartman: [excited] Yes!! Yes, I DID IT!! I crapped out my mouth! [starts chanting] I crapped out my mo-outh! [walks over to Kyle] You owe me twenty bucks, dickface!
Scene Description: Vatican City, Italy. Father Maxi has made it to St. Peter's Square. He exits a taxi cab.
Priest Maxi: [to the driver] Well, there you go. Um, grazie. [the driver leaves, Father Maxi turns to walk to the Vatican] Wow, I'm actually here. Vatican City! [looks at the fountains on either side of the square. Inside the Vatican a choir sings softly in the background as Father Maxi awaits the pope. The room is full or prelates. The pope, hunched over and frail, approaches the altar with a group of bishops]
Italian cardinal: Your Holiness, this is Father Maxi from America. He has brought this all to our attention.
Priest Maxi: [kneels before the pope] Your Holiness. [kisses the ring and the pope moans a bit in pain. The cardinal helps the pope up to his chair, then turns and approaches the pulpit.]
Italian cardinal: Adoramus te, Christe.
Other Cardinals: Et dominus...
Italian cardinal: Cardinals, bishops, and priests, an American priest by the name of-a Maxi has brought to our attention the most troubling of news. All over his-a country there are reports of children being molested by men of the Church. If things continue this way, we'll never be able to have sex with young boys again! [the prelates react immediately, protesting the report]
Priest Maxi: That's right-wait. What?
French cardinal: In France as well we are finding it harder and harder to... make love to our boys.
Moroccan cardinal: In Morocco they have arrested five of my priests. It's only a matter of time before they get the rest of us.
Italian cardinal: Father Maxi, what do you suggest we do to not get caught.
Priest Maxi: Not get caught? NO!! I, I think what we should do is not have sex with boys! [the prelates protest again]
Italian cardinal: It is not written anywhere in the Holy Document of Vatican Law that sex with-a boys is wrong..
Priest Maxi: Well, maybe we need to change the Holy Document of Vatican Law. [the prelates protest even louder]
British cardinal: Speaking on behalf of the British Catholics, it is obvious that the priest doesn't realize that the Holy Document of Vatican Law can not be changed!
The Clergy: [more protests] Yeah! It cannot be changed! Yeah!
Gelgamek cardinal: Yes, and speaking on behalf of the Gelgamek Catholics, I believe we should move on to other solutions to this problem. [the prelates protest even louder]
Priest Maxi: Gelgameks?
Scene Description: Kyle's house, night. Cartman walks alone to the front door and rings the doorbell. Kyle comes to answer it. He opens the door...
Cartman: Kyle, could you help me out? I need some advice. [puts his hands behind his back oh so modestly]
Kyle: What? [appears genuinely concerned]
Cartman: It's just that... I can't decide what to buy with your twenty dollars! [Kyle gets upset] I was thinking of getting this mega-man racer for $19.95, or I could get two Broncos trading packs for ten apiece. And then I thought- [Kyle shuts the door on him, looks, then turns around and walks away from the door. Cartman pops up outside a window waving the bill at him. Kyle turns, goes to the window, and lowers the blinds, then walks off]
Scene Description: Stan's house, dinner time. Sharon brings out hamburgers from the kitchen.
Randy: Oh boy, now that we're atheists we don't have to pray for our food.
Sharon: That's right, everyone just dig in. [Grandpa takes a bite from his burger] So, kids, anything fun happen with your whole Sunday off?
Stan: Uh, Cartman shoved his lunch up his ass and crapped out his mouth.
Sharon: Stanley! [Shelly isn't too pleased to hear that]
Stan: What? He did.
Randy: Noho, it doesn't work that way, son.
Stan: Yeah it does.
Randy: No it doesn't.
Stan: [firmly] Yeah. It does. [Randy looks at him angrily, then wonders if it could be...]
Scene Description: Stan's house, bedtime. Randy is in his pajamas kneeling before the toilet. He's now trying to crap out his mouth. After much effort, a log of crap comes out his mouth and into the toilet. Randy is stunned.
Randy: Honey! Honey, come quick!
Scene Description: St. Peter's Square, day. Father Maxi is trying to get his point across.
Priest Maxi: Look, people! I'm just trying to say that if we don't change the Holy Document of Vatican Law, then we might lose everyone to atheism!
French cardinal: What exactly do you suggest we change, Father Maxi.
Priest Maxi: Well, for one, no sex with boys. [the prelates protest even louder]
Another cardinal: The Holy Document of Vatican Law states that a priest, bishop, or cardinal cannot get married, so where are we to get our sex?
Priest Maxi: Uh well then, perhaps we could change the Holy Document of Vatican Law to say that... it's okay for a priest or bishop or cardinal to have sex... with women. [the prelates protest even louder]
French cardinal: Women?
Gelgamek cardinal: The Gelgamek vagina is three feet wide and filled with razor-sharp teeth. Do you really expect us to have sex with them?!
Priest Maxi: Wuh- okay, m-maybe we just need to forget about the Gelgameks for a second and focus-
Gelgamek cardinal: Forget about the Gelgameks?! [the other Gelgamek clergy protest loudly]
Priest Maxi: I'm just saying, what works on planet Gelgamek isn't necessarily goin' ta work for the rest of us here, on Earth. You see? That's the problem we're having here.
Italian cardinal: But-a the Holy Document of Vatican Law cannot be changed!
Priest Maxi: Why not?!
Another cardinal: Because we don't know where it is.
Italian cardinal: You see, Father, the Holy Document of Vatican Law has been hidden away deep in the Catacombs of-a St. Peter's below us. Hidden away so that it can never be changed.
Priest Maxi: But if we locate it we can make changes to it?
A Bishop: HA! Good luck, father! The document is guarded by water lizards, rattlesnakes and sand traps! The fools who have tried before to recover it met their deaths!
Priest Maxi: Well we have to try. Our religion is dying!
Scene Description: Stan's house. He, Kyle, and Tweek watch television. The front door closes off screen.
Cartman: [arriving] You guys! You guys! Look! [he's dressed in a bathrobe, swim trunks, and sandals]
Tweek: Harrr!
Cartman: I went down to the bank and got Kyle's twenty-dollar bill turned into twenty single-dollar bills.
Stan: So?
Cartman: So? So now I can do this! [takes off his robe, throws the bills in the air, and rolls around in the floating bills.] Yeess! Yeess, Kyle's money! Mmmm, Kyle's money!
Kyle: [simmers quietly, then] Go fuck yourself, Cartman!
Cartman: [luxuriating in the bills] Oh, it feels so good on my skin! Mmmm.
Kyle: [gets off the couch and confronts Cartman] Get up, fat boy! I'm gonna kick your ass!
Cartman: Gee Kyle, don't be a sore loser. It's over, okay? I won. Let it go.
Kyle: So you crapped out of your mouth! Good for you! It's still stupid and immature! [a news bulletin's music is heard]
Stan: Dude, look.
News anchor: [the News 4 set is shown] Our top story tonight, the age-old question has been answered: if I put food up my ass, will I crap out my mouth? All over the country, people are discovering that, yes, in fact, you will. [a new picture pops up] The Surgeon General had this to say:
Surgeon General: And the uh immediate research shows that the act is not only amusing, but in fact much healthier for our bodies than the old way of eating. [stands next to a cut-away graphic of the human torso] You see, food entering through the anus has the benefit of being broken down on its way to the stomach rather than afterward. And therefore I believe that interorectogestion would actually put a stop to high cholesterol and most kinds of stomach cancers. And I base that on absolutely nothing.
News anchor: The Surgeon-General's response has made Americans change their eating habits almost instantly.
Cartman: [with a solid retort] That's stupid and immature, Cartman!
Kyle: [moves closer to Cartman] It is stupid and immature! So you got people to crap out of their mouths! What do you want, a freakin' medal?!
News anchor: The Mayor of South Park has announced that for first discovering this healthy way of eating, young citizen [Cartman's picture appears] Eric Cartman will be given... a freaking medal.
Kyle: HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Scene Description: A kitchen set in a studio, day. An attractive woman is busy preparing a dish on the stove.
Announcer: [a show logo appears...] Now, with more on "Martha Stewart's Living" [the logo disappears and the camera zooms in].
Martha Stewart: In the past few days we've all heard of the healthy benefits of interorectogestion, and so making food that can easily be inserted into the ass is essential. [begins to move to her left] Now, everyone knows that some foods are simple to shove up the ass - puddings, soups, raisins... this is a nice raisin pudding right here - but we can also still eat our favorite foods. What we're gonna do today is prepare a Thanksgiving turkey for interorecto. [reaches the turkey and stops] Now, the key to shoving a turkey up your ass is first wrapping it in string, keeping the pointy wings neatly at the side. [starts wrapping the turkey. Two FBI agents show up at the rear of the set]
FBI agent: Ms. Stewart, we have some questions.
Martha Stewart: [starts wrapping faster] Not right now, I just wanna focus on my turkey, [softly] right now. [the agents withdraw. She finishes and lays the turkey down on a platter] Now, we're going to baste the turkey with lubricating gel rather than with juice - this'll help smooth the insertion later on. We still bake at four hundred degrees for twenty minutes a pound. [leaves that turkey alone and moves further left to a turkey fresh from the oven] When it's done we'll get something like this. [grins] So now we're ready to go. Looks delicious. Let's try it out. [takes the cooked turkey, moves to a clear area onstage, sets the platter down, stands the turkey up, moves into position, and sits on the turkey. Slowly, with grunts every few seconds, she eats the turkey with her butt] Aaaaa-... Yeah, get it up there. Yeah. AAAA. Yeeaahhhh. [one final heavy grunt, and a sigh of relief, then she stands up] Phew. And that is how you eat a turkey. [grins] We'll be right back with more. [grins, and exit music plays]
Scene Description: The Catacombs under St. Peter's Basilica. Father Maxi, with torch in hand, walks down a hall past walls with writing on them. He descends some stairs and crosses a large room, stopping at a door behind which there is a brightly-lit room.
Old monk: [appears out of nowhere] Beoo!
Priest Maxi: [jumps back] Ahh, hello. Uh- My name is Father Maxi, from the United States.
Old monk: What do you seek, Father?
Priest Maxi: I... I'm trying to find the Holy Document of Vatican Law. ...So that we can make revisions to it.
Old monk: That Gospel... [turns around and faces the door] lies somewhere beyond this door. [turns around] But... many trials await thee inside! Only he whose heart truly belongs to the Lord shalla make it through.
Priest Maxi: I have to try. Our religion is in trouble, and... and that scroll may be our only hope!
Old monk: Then, prepare yourself. The time of trials begins. [turns and says to the door] Adoramus te, Christe! [the door becomes two doors, and they part to show the brilliant room. The old monk approaches Father Maxi] I wish you luck, Father. [moves to Father's left side and coaches him] Use all the strength, agility, and faith that you have.
Priest Maxi: Very well. Here we go. [enters and finds himself in a video game environment. He jumps over a hole in one screen, jumps on the heads of three alligators gingerly in the next screen, grabs at a rope and swings over a lake to the other side in the third screen. He reaches the fourth screen. A snake appears in the underground passageway beneath him] Hmmm, there's a ladder up here. [climbs down the ladder and sees the snake] Oh my God, a rattlesnake! [turns and runs past the ladder to the next screen, where another ladder awaits] A way back up! [climbs up and rushes out of there. He enters a secret chapel, having survived all the obstacles to get there. He's quite beaten up. The document sits on a lectern and is well-lit. Father Maxi sighs] I've made it! Praise be to God! He hath shown me the way! [approaches the document] This must be it. The Holy Document of Vatican Law. [picks it up and blows any dust from it.]
Scene Description: The Marsh house, day. Six sets of parents sit around the living room coffee table. Randy sits on the sofa with the Stotches. Above them hangs a banner with red letters on white fabric: "SOUTHPARK ATHEISTS' CLUB".
Randy: Well, Sharon and I are havin' a great time bein' atheist. I for one can't believe I used to live my life by what a very old and very fictional book used to say. [all laugh]
Linda: Well it's true. I mean, what do a bunch of stories about people in robes slaughtering goats have to do with today's world?
Richard: Atheism has definitely made our lives better.
Sharon: [arrives with fresh food and a basket] I made some quesadillas, if anybody wants some.
All: Ooohh.
Sharon: And if anybody needs to potty, there's a potty basket right here. [sets it down next to the coffee table]
Richard: Oh thanks, Sharon.
Roger: You know, for Martha and I, we're, we're worried we might have a hard time raising our son atheist. I mean- [the quesadillas appear, and he takes one] whoa, thank you -I mean, [rises and unzips his pants] it could end up being very difficult raising an atheist child in such a Christian society. [puts the quesadilla up to his butt and begins eating it. This causes him to grunt at times. Martha looks away] I feel that everywhere my poor son goes he's being persecuted for his beliefs. [finishes eating and zips up]
Richard: That's true. If I'm gonna raise my son to be atheist, I don't want him saying "under God" every day at school. That could really damage him. "Under God" should be taken out of the- uh, 'scuse me. [turns aside, looks down, and opens his mouth] Moowwaaagh. [faces the group again and brushes off any remaining crap with his sweater sleeve] "Under God" should be taken out of the Pledge of Allegiance.
Randy: [amid the chatter] That's right, I agree. [the others quiet down] And it should be taken off of money as well. [gets angry] The religious right in this country is trying to force our children to believe what they bel- [reaches for the basket and craps into it] Bwwaaaagh [finishes and sets the basket down] And we can't let the religious right corrupt our kids.
All: That's right, that's right.
Scene Description: St. Peter's Basilica, day.
Italian cardinal: Cardinals, bishops and priests! Father Maxi has returned! And he has the Holy Document of-a Vatican Law! [the clergy ooohs and aaahs]
British cardinal: How did he make it past the water lizards?
Priest Maxi: [lifts the parchment over his head for all to see] Yes, I have returned with the Holy Document of Vatican Law, so can we PLEASE, change it now to say, "It's NOT okay to have sex with boys"? [a shot of the clergy as the tapping of a staff is heard. It's the pope striking the ground with it.]
Italian cardinal: Wait wait-a, the pope-a wants-a to say something. [the cardinal approaches the pope and has words with him, then returns to the pulpit] The pope-a says we shall ask the highest source. [the clergy ooohs and aaahs. They begin to sway and chant, and the windows above brighten as beams of light flood in]
Priest Maxi: [taken aback] Oh my. [a large screen-size area appears and a large creature rises from the depths]
Italian cardinal: The holy one! [arachnid legs appear] Behold the great Queen Spider! [sure enough, a spider some twenty feet tall appears]
The clergy: Hail Queen Spider!
Priest Maxi: [looking at the Italian cardinal] Queen Spider?
Italian cardinal: O great Queen Spider, we seek a-your guidance.
Queen Spider: What do you ask of me?
British cardinal: Great Queen Spider, we wish to change one of the Vatican rules.
Queen Spider: The Vatican rules cannot be changed. So saith the Spider.
Italian cardinal: Go on, Priest Maxi. See if you can convince her.
Priest Maxi: Alright, that does it!!! I've had enough!!! You people have completely lost touch with the outside world! You sit in this big room with your Gelgameks and your Queen Spider, and none of it applies to what being a Catholic is all about!!
A bishop: But the Holy Document of Vatican Law states that-
Priest Maxi: To hell with the Holy Document of Vatican Law!! [tears it in two, and the clergy gasps. The basilica begins to tremble and fall apart and the clergy start screaming in fear. Outside, the square itself begins to crumble]
Scene Description: South Park, day. The boys stand in front of Stan's house.
Cartman: [rushes up] You guys, you guys! [drags a small inflatable wading pool behind him] I took Kyle's twenty dollars down to the bank again, and I got it changed into quarters!
Kyle: [irritated] So?
Cartman: So now I can dump them into this little pool and swim in them all day long! [picks up the bag of quarters and prepares to pour them in] Yeessss. Kyle's monneey. [the quarters start pouring in, and Cartman gloats]
Kyle: [approaches Cartman and tries a different tack] Cartman, there's something I need to tell you.
Cartman: O-hoo, what's that, Kyle?
Kyle: You were totally, one hundred percent right.
Cartman: Heh... [the smile vanishes] what?
Kyle: You won the bet. You were totally accurate about being able to crap out your mouth, and I've just been frustrated because I didn't think of it first. I want you to enjoy that money because... you really impressed me with your insight and... I'm... proud to have you as a friend.
Cartman: [taking time to figure out what that means...] You sonofabitch, Kyle!! I hate you!! [kicks the pool and it deflates. He walks away angry. Stan and Kyle grin at each other - they planned this change in tactics. The parents arrive cheering and hollering]
A Man: Yeah, the pope is gone!
Randy: Great news, Stan! The Vatican is burning down!
Linda: Score one for us atheists!
Richard: Come on, Tweek! We're gonna watch it on TV! [the parents resume clamoring and move off]
Scene Description: Vatican City, day. The clergy mill around in the ruins of the Vatican.
Italian cardinal: Gone! It's all gone!
British cardinal: Well, thanks a lot, Father Maxi. You've killed our religion.
Priest Maxi: No I didn't! All that's dead are your stupid laws and rules! [the scene is being telecast] You've forgotten what being a Catholic is all about. [raises a Bible] This... book. You see, these are just stories. [the Marshes are gathered on the sofa to watch this. Grandpa is asleep in his wheelchair] Stories that are meant to help guide people in the right direction. Love your neighbor. Be a good person. [the Williams are watching] That's it! And when you start turning the stories into literal translations of hierarchies and power, well... Well, you end up with this. [shows off the ruins, and then the Queen Spider, then the Gelgameks] People are losing faith because they don't see how what you've turned the religion into applies to them! They've lost touch with any idea of any kind of religion, and when they have no mythology to try and live their lives by, well, they just start spewing a bunch of crap out of their mouths! [The Tweeks are watching. Richard seems to have crapped out of his mouth]
Richard: [pause, then looks up] ...What was that last bit?
Priest Maxi: Look, I, I'm proud to be a Catholic. But I'm a Catholic in the real world. In today's world! It's time for you all to do that, too. It is time... for change.
Scene Description: Stan's house, after the telecast.
Randy: [after a moment of reflection] He's right, Sharon. We don't have to believe every word of the Bible. They're just stories to help us to live by. We shouldn't toss away the lessons of the Bible just because some assholes in Italy screwed it up.
Sharon: O Randy, I don't wanna put food up my butt anymore.
Randy: Gang, I think maybe we, owe God an apology.
Stan: Does this mean we have to go to church on Sundays again?
Randy: No. It means we get to, son. It means... we get to. [all of a sudden, one more piece of crap comes out his mouth]