Scene Description: South Park Farmer's Market, Day. A crowd is gathered under this banner and listens to Father Maxi as he delivers a service.
Father Maxi: Friends, we gather in this place to mourn the victims of yesterday's tragedy: nine good people who were run over in the street by an elderly woman driver. [the four boys are shown in their funeral best]
Cartman: [yawns] Oh God, memorial services are sooo boring.
Kyle: [jabs Cartman and says in hushed tones] You insensitive asshole, Cartman! Nine people died!
Cartman: Yeah, but like, eight of them were hippies. Mostly hippies go to farmer's markets. Mostly.
Father Maxi: It is sometimes hard, in times like these, to understand God's way. Why would he allow nine innocent people to be run down in the prime of their lives by a senior citizen who, perhaps, shouldn't be driving? It is then that we must understand, God's sense of humor is very different from our own. He does not laugh at the simple "man walks into a bar" joke. No, God needs complex irony and subtle farcical twists that seem macabre to you and me. All that we can hope for is that God got his good laugh and a tragedy such as this will never happen again. [screeching tires are heard]
Mr. Garrison: [rushing into the crowd] Look out!! [everyone turns to see. An elderly driver approaches them]
Elderly driver: [somewhat short, nearsighted] Huh? Was that a stop sign back there? [the banner recedes behind him. Everyone screams and the driver begins mowing people down. He crashes into a light standard at the other end of the market] Ooooh, I think I hit a pothole.
Scene Description: Stan's house, night. The family is eating dinner.
Stan: Hey Dad, how come they let old people drive?
Randy: Well, Stan, it's a very fragile issue.
Stan: But they kill people.
Randy: Sometimes, yes, but senior citizens have to be dealt with very gingerly, Stan. We can't just take their licenses away.
Marvin: [enters in his motorized wheelchair] I'll be Goddamned if they think they can take my license away! [stops at his place at table]
Sharon: Oooh, Hi Dad.
Marvin: [to Randy] I heard what you said! You wanna take drivin' privileges away from seniors! Well let me tell you something, peckerface! I worked fifty five years in the steel mill!
Randy: Yes Dad.
Marvin: And I flew Spitfires over Germany in World War II!
Randy: Yes I know.
Marvin: And I will be God-damned if the government thinks it can step in and take away my right to drive!
Stan: I think old people should have rights, Grandpa. I just don't wanna die.
Scene Description: Stark's Pond, night. A lone man is fishing in the middle of the pond. He senses something ominous and looks around. On the road nearby, a brown Buick drives by slowly. A short old woman is at the wheel.
Elderly man: Damnit Mona, this isn't the fastest way to Country Kitchen Buffet!
Mona: No, but it's the shortest. I save the most gas that way. [back at the pond the fisherman casts his line and looks back at the car]
Elderly man: You save the most gas if you take the highway to Country Kitchen Buffet!
Mona: Less miles means less gas, you old fool. [back at the pond the fisherman catches something and is reeling it in, but looks at the car in doing so]
Elderly man: There's Country Kitchen right there!
Mona: Where?
Elderly man: Right there! You're gonna miss it! [the woman steps hard on the brake and spins the car out of control. The fisherman is about to put his catch into his little boat. The car smashes through the guard rail over a bridge and lands directly on the fisherman, killing him.]
Mona: Is this the parking lot?
Elderly man: I think so.
Scene Description: News 4. A splash screen shows various correspondents and anchors, and a globe spins in front of the Montage.
Anchor: Another death tonight by a senior citizen motorist. Carl Zorn of Pine Junction was killed instantly when struck by a vehicle driven by Pete and Lydia Malman, who were trying to find Country Kitchen Buffet. This latest tragedy comes only two days after the accident in Deer Creek, where three construction workers and a bulldozer [shown] were run down by senior citizen Paul Thom [shown, irate], who was trying to find Country Kitchen Buffet. Public outcry is forcing the DMV to consider suspending the licenses of all seniors over seventy, though no decision has yet to be made.
Scene Description: Park County Community Center, day. The seniors have gathered there for a meeting.
Marvin: Seniors of South Park, I don't know about you, but I am mad as hell!
Seniors: [randomly] Yeah!
Elderly woman 1: [rises] I'm sick of having my mental condition come into question!
Elderly man 1: [waving his cane] We need to let everyone know we're pissed off, and we're not gonna take it anymore!
Seniors: [randomly] Yeah! Yeah! That's right, Pete!
Marvin: That's right! Now, ...can anybody remember what we're pissed off about? [everyone seems to have lost a clue] Now, remember we're all pissed about something and uh... that's why we had this meeting, but I... can't for the life of me re-
Elderly woman 2: [rises] Oooo. Was it the kids skateboarding on the sidewalks? No? [sits down]
Elderly man 2: [seated behind a walker] Oh, I remember! They're gonna take our licenses away!
Seniors: [randomly, suddenly animated] Yeah! Yeah! That's right!
Marvin: That's right! They're gonna try and take our licenses away! And I, for one, am mad as hell!
Seniors: [randomly] Me too! Yeah, that's right! And mine too!
Elderly woman 1: I'm sick of having my mental condition come into question!
Marvin: So now, what are we gonna do about it?
Elderly man 3: Do about what?
Elderly woman 3: They're gonna take our licenses away.
Elderly woman 1: They are?? They can't do that! [brief argument ensues]
Marvin: That's right. So you know what I think we should do? I think we should have a senior citizens' meeting! Get all the seniors together at the community center and unite!
Elderly man 3: Great idea, Marvin!
Elderly woman 4: Wait, ah I think we're having that meeting right now.
Marvin: ...Oh, right, this is the meeting.
Elderly man 4: Right. To get those damn kids to stop skateboarding on the sidewalks!
Seniors: [randomly] Yeah! Yeah! That's right! Someone's gotta stop them!
Scene Description: The Marsh house, day. Sharon and Shelly are making construction paper cutouts in the kitchen. Shelly has finished some eyes.
Randy: [steps into the kitchen] Sharon, have you seen Dad?
Sharon: He's not here, hon. He's having a meeting with all the seniors in town at the community center.
Randy: Oh. [steps back out] Wait a minute. If all the seniors in town are at a meeting, that means that when the meeting gets out...
Sharon: Every senior in town will be driving home...
Randy: [with rising alarm] At the same time. [closeup] Oh My God!
Scene Description: Downtown South Park. People are milling around. Randy runs into the scene.
Randy: Get inside! Get inside! [people begin taking heed] Seniors' meeting getting out! Get off the streets! [everyone moves off the streets in panic]
Someone: Oh my Goddd!
Scene Description: Park County Community Center, day. The seniors exit the center and head for their cars.
Marvin: [amid the crowd] All right, great meeting everyone. Let's do it again sometime.
Elderly woman 1: So long, everybody.
Elderly man 5: Goodbye, Missy. [other seniors say their goodbyes. They drive off slowly, some bumping into other cars on their way out]
Scene Description: Downtown South Park, at the farmer's market. Randy runs in.
Randy: Get off the streets! Get off the streets! Old people are driving! [everyone runs off in a panic. Randy finds Gerald and grabs him] Gerald! Where are the boys?!
Gerald: We've gotta get out of here!
Randy: The boys, Gerald! Where are they?!
Gerald: They, they're... they're playing street hockey!
Randy: [closeup] Oh My God!! [lets Gerald go and runs off]
Scene Description: The neighborhood. Stan and the boys are playing street hockey. Cartman is the goalie, a trashcan his goal.
Cartman: [providing his own play-by-play] With just ten seconds to go, the offense makes its move. Marsh heads for the goal and passes the ball to the poor kid. The poor kid hands it out to the Jew! The Jew shoots. Awww, and the shot is blocked again [the ball bounces off Cartman's girth], proving once and for all that Jews cannot play hockey!
Kyle: It isn't fair. Cartman's fatter than the goal.
Cartman: I'm not fat. I just have a sweet hockey body.
Randy: [in the distance] GET OFF THE STREETS! [Cartman perks up a bit] GET OFF THE STREETS! [the other boys listen, then turn to face the source of the sound]
Kyle: Dude, look!
Randy: [running across empty fields] GET OFF... THE STREETS! GET OFF THE STREETS!
Stan: What is that?
Kyle: I don't know.
Randy: [coming closer] GET OFF... GET OFF THE STREET!
Kyle: Dude, is that your dad?
Stan: I think so.
Cartman: Looks like Stan's dad's been hittin' the bottle again.
Randy: -STREETS!! OFF-
Stan: What is he saying?
Kyle: I can't understand him.
Randy: GAAAAAH!!
Cartman: [slowly] Calm down! We cannot understand you!
Kenny: [Looks to his right] (Ohhhhh, look!) [a phalanx of slow-moving cars cruises down the street towards them] (You guys!)
Stan: Oh! [drops his hockey stick and holds his hands to his face]
Cartman: Old people!
Randy: [scoops them up and away] Come on! [the cars get closer, Randy and the boys head for a an abandoned lodge]
Cartman: Oh God, they're coming! [the other boys mutter other things]
Scene Description: The Lodge. The group enters, Randy shuts and blocks the doors.
Randy: Get over there! Stay low! [the boys go to the far wall and turn around]
Kyle: Why are they all out driving at the same time?
Randy: Shhhh! [lowers the blinds, closed them, and peeks out. Seeing nothing, he closes the blinds and sighs in relief] It's okay, boys. They're gone. Let's just lay low for a minute until we can find- [a blue car crashes through the large picture window the blinds were covering and stops. Randy jumps in alarm] AWWWW!!
Elderly driver: [a man] I don't remember there being a building here.
Randy: RUN! [they all gather at a corner, but another car crashes through the wall]
Elderly passenger: [a woman] I told you to turn left, Larry.
Randy: Get up the stairs! Up the stairs! Come on! Come on!! [he and the boys run up the stairs]
Kyle: Aah! There's another one!
Randy and the Boys: AAAHH!!
Elderly driver: [follows them up the stair in her car] Excuse me, is this Costello Avenue? [Randy and the boys reach the second floor]
Randy: In here! [Randy opens a door and a bloody body drops down, dangling by its feet. They move on to the next room and close the door]
Cartman: They're not gonna stop until we're all dead!
Randy: Quiet! Keep quiet! [a few seconds of silence pass]
Stan: Dad, I'm scared.
Randy: Just, keep your voices down. We'll stay the night in here. We'll stay the whole winter if we have to. [looks for a light switch to flip on]
Stan: I'm not staying the winter in this room! We just need to tell old people they can't drive anymore!
Randy: Awgh. Stan, it's not that simple! Just relax while I find the lights. Here we go. [finds the switch and flips them on, revealing a car]
Elderly driver: How the hell did we get up here?
Randy and the boys: AAAAAAAHH!! [quickly exit the room]
Elderly passenger: I told you this was the wrong way!
Scene Description: News 4. A splash screen shows various correspondents and anchors, and a globe spins in front of the montage.
Field Reporter: Tom, I'm standing outside of the Department of Motor Vehicles, where senior citizens have until three p.m. to hand over their driver's licenses. The new law was passed just three days after the Night of Horror, in which all seniors were out driving at the same time, causing fourteen deaths and three million dollars in damage.
Scene Description: DMV, inside. A poster on the wall says "Drive 65 MPH. Stay alive." Two men and a woman sit at a table taking the licenses seniors standing in line give them.
DMV official: [seated in the middle, takes a license from an elderly man] Alrighty. [cuts it in two and drops the halves into a box] There we go. Next? [a fat elderly lady approaches, then the elderly man with the walker]
Elderly man 2: It ain't right what you're doin'! I never had an accident in my life!
Elderly woman 6: That's right. You shouldn't punish all of us. [the senior with the walker leaves the table]
DMV official: We're sorry, but this is the only way to be sure. Next please. [cuts up another license] There we go.
Elderly man 6: But how am I supposed to get to the grocery store? Or the pharmacy to buy medicine?
DMV official: Well, maybe you should be in a nursing home. Hmmm?
Elderly man 7: Some of us would rather die!
DMV official: Well, we can certainly help you with that, too.
Elderly woman 7: We aren't second-class citizens!
Elderly man 8: That's right! You can take our licenses, but you'll never take our pride!
An Elderly Man: Yeah...
Scene Description: Stan's house, day. The boys leave the house.
Cartman: Ooooh, isn't this great you guys? Being able to walk the streets now that old people are confined to their homes where they belong?
Marvin: Billy, get in the car! I need you boys to help me pick up my new Hov-Around.
Stan: Uh, Grandpa, I don't think you should be driving.
Marvin: God-damnit Billy! You're supposed to listen to your dad, right?! Well I'm your dad's dad, and that means you get in this car before I tan all your hides!
Kyle: [to the other boys] Well, look at it this way: statistically speaking, we're safer inside a car with an old person driving than outside.
Cartman: My God, he's right. [the boys climb in, strap themselves in, and Cartman offers a quick prayer] Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee, even though I walk through the valley of death. [Marvin starts up the car and groans a bit] Guys, I don't know if I ever told you this, but, well, I love you guys. [a few moments later] Except for you, Kyle.
Marvin: Okay, all set? [he backs out of the a driveway, and an oncoming car honks at him. The driver screams something at him. Pretty soon, other cars and trucks are doing their best to avoid him. Cars begin crashing and flying through the air. The boys wince at every accident]
Kenny: (Oooooo my God!) [a police cruiser catches up to them]
Stan: Ah, I think there's a police car behind you, Grandpa.
Marvin: Eh? [signals to the officer] Go around. Go around, you moron!
Barbrady: Blue Impala, pull your vehicle over!
Cartman: I believe that's us... thank God. [Marvin pulls over to the side and stops. Barbrady stops as well and approaches the driver side.]
Barbrady: Could I see your license, please?
Marvin: I ain't got one! You peckers took it!
Barbrady: Well then, I have to take you to jail.
Marvin: You just try taking me to jail, scrotum-head! You just try!
Scene Description: The police jail. Marvin sits behind bars with a cane.
Marvin: Stupid son of a- God damnit!
Barbrady: I just got him right here, Mr. Marsh.
Randy: Oh brother. Well, good job, dad! Look at you now!
Marvin: Oh God damnit, don't you lecture me you son of a bitch!
Randy: You just had to be so damn stubborn, didn't you?!
Marvin: Now my son is gonna talk to me like I'm twelve.
Randy: We're not treating you like children, Dad. All right? Now I think you owe Mr. Police Officer an apology. Who needs to apologize, hm? [wags his left index finger at Marvin] Who's the sorry-sorry?
Marvin: Kiss my sagging ass!
Randy: Well fine. I was gonna bail you out, but maybe you can just sit here for a bit and think about what you did!
Marvin: Well I won't be sitting here long! I've already called the AARP!
Stan: What's that?
Marvin: The American Association of Retired Persons! The largest political group in the country! When seniors like me are bein' discriminated against, the AARP comes and sets it right! [points to Randy] And you're gonna be sorry when they get here!
Scene Description: Mr. garrison's Classroom, day. He is giving a history lesson to the class.
Mr. Garrison: And so you see, children, Genghis Khan was a "Mongol," not to be confused with a "mongoloid" like the actor, Nicolas Cage. Okay now, who can tell me in what [notices something outside and goes to the window, his voice fading off] the ...first ...film by a... mongoloid...
Mr. Garrison: [What he sees is elderly paratroopers drifting down onto the school grounds. The kids' eyes follow him and then the kids gather at the window with him] That's odd. [the AARP has landed] Those ROTC guys are way off course. [the paratroopers open their cargo boxes and unload some firearms]
Cartman: More old people!
Stan: The American Association of Retired Persons.
Mr. Garrison: Stay in your seats, children. I'll be right back.
AARP leader: Set up a perimeter! Bring Bravo Team to Point Delta!
AARP member 1: [a heavyset woman] Bravo Team is go.
AARP member 2: [a light-skinned black man] Move! Move! Move!
AARP member 3: [a woman in purple dress] Let's go! Let's go! [Mr. Garrison comes out to meet them.]
Mr. Garrison: Uh, can I help you folks find something? [the woman smacks him across the face with the butt of her semi-automatic.] Oowww! [goes down in pain on one knee. The seniors begin firing away, with rifles, semi-automatics, whatever. The kids look on and gasp]
Cartman: Old people gone mad!
Scene Description: U.S. Geological Service. Randy sits at his desk making notes when he hears the soft rustling of tarp on snow. He spins around in his chair to see more AARP paratroopers. He rises in disbelief. A gas canister flies through the window and unleashes its fumes. Randy starts coughing. The door flies open and some AARP paratroopers walk in wearing gas masks.
AARP member: [woman wearing a flower-design dress] Contact. [quickly aims her machine gun at Randy] Put your hands up, young man!
Scene Description: South Park Jail. Marvin is looking out his small cell window when the AARP enters the jail and approach the cell.
AARP leader: Marvin Marsh?
Marvin: [turns around] Yes?
AARP leader: I'm Bill Stewart, President of the AARP. Hu-we've come to help the seniors in this town fight back.
Marvin: Oh, it's nice to meet ya, Bill.
Stewart: Huh?? We came as fast as we could. We just had to stop by Country Kitchen Buffet first.
Scene Description: Shady Acres, a Retirement Community. The AARP has arrived.
AARP leader: [a black man] It's the nursing home! Liberate our comrades!
Scene Description: Shady Acres, inside
Male nurse: There now, Mr. Johnson. [wheels a senior across the room] We can go to the cafeteria and get you some creamed corn and toast. [the front doors swing open and the nurse stops in his tracks. The AARP members swarm in] Can I help you?
AARP leader: Help this! [jams the butt of his gun into the nurse, and the nurse falls.] The revolution is on, brother! [hands Mr. Johnson a semi-automatic] We're taking control of the town!
Mr. Johnson: Well, alright, well it's about damn time! [addresses the nursing home residents] Hey everyone, we're taking the town. [other seniors look at him and express their approval]
Scene Description: The television room. More seniors there are watching TV.
AARP member: [enters with the black leader] Seniors, we're taking the town over.
AARP leader: The revolution is on! [walks away]
Elderly woman: The revolution?
Elderly man: Oh, I'd better get my other sweater. [goes to change while the others leave the room]
Scene Description: A convalescent room.
A nurse: [distributing weapons] Mrs. Wyland, seniors are taking over the town. Would you like a gun?
Mrs. Wyland: Oh, I suppose so.
Scene Description: Downtown South Park, day. One of the members brings Randy forward.
Randy: What the hell is going on?!
AARP member: Shut your piehole and get over there! [Randy joins Gerald and other adult hostages]
Gerald: Randy, what is this?
Stewart: Hey! You are now under the authority of the AARP!
Marvin: Ha! There you go, Mr. Smartmouth! Look at you now!
Randy: Dad, what are you doing??
Marvin: The AARP is gonna help us take this town until we get our licenses back!
Elderly woman: [in dark-blue dress] Yeah, and we're gonna ask for more money in Medi-Care, too!
AARP leader: [black] That's right.
Elderly man: Yeah.
Man in Vest: [handcuffed in front] Have you all got Alzheimer's? The-they're not gonna listen to a bunch of whacked out senior citizens.
Stewart: [puts hand to ear] Heh?? [lowers his hand] We'll tell them if they don't give us our demands, we'll start killin' hostages!
Man in vest: Huh, right. They're gonna really believe that. [the elderly woman next to him simply lifts her gun and fires at the man point blank. The man falls down dead]
Marvin: Isn't that a little extreme, Bill?
Stewart: [puts hand to ear] Heh?? [lowers his hand] No, we gotta be tough! Just like with those damned Japs!
Randy: This is insane, Dad! You all need to stop right now before more people get hurt!
Marvin: The time when you can tell me what to do is over, pucky-boy! We're in charge now!
Scene Description: South Park, day. The town is now an encampment, protected by barbed wire, sandbags, and metal shields. Mrs. Wyland stands behind some sandbags with her IV unit.
Marvin: All right, we've got control of the Mayor's office and the fire station.
AARP member: Reinforcements have arrived from the nursing home in Conifer.
Stewart: Good! Hell, us senior citizens could take over the entire country!
AARP lookout: [a black woman] We've got company! [the military arrives]
Tank driver: [over a PA system] Attention seniors: lay down your weapons and turns yourselves over!
Stewart: Mrs. Applegate, show 'em we mean business.
Mrs. Applegate: [holding an RPG launcher] All right. [fires the rocket and falls back from the recoil. The rocket heads for a Jeep full of troops. The troops scramble off. The rocket strikes and demolishes the Jeep, killing one of the soldiers]
Tank driver: What do you want?
Stewart: [puts hand to ear] Heh??
Marvin: We want our licenses back!
Other seniors: Yeah!
Elderly woman: That's right. And we want more money in Medi-Care!
Other seniors: Yeah!
Elderly man: And we want those damned kids to stop skateboardin' on the sidewalk!
Other seniors: Yeah!
Scene Description: Nighttime, the drive-in. All adults who are not senior citizens have been gathered into an enclosure around the massive screen. Two seniors stand guard at the gates, other seniors keep the adults in line. The adults are cold. Some cough, some try to keep warm by burning tires inside empty gas drums. Randy is one of those warming his hands over a fire. He moans. The boys arrive, having not been arrested.
Stan: Hey Dad.
Randy: [runs to the fence] Stan! Boys! You're safe!
Stan: Dad, why is everyone letting old people do this? Why doesn't somebody stop them?
Randy: They've tried to stop them, son, but... the seniors get up so early in the morning they... get everything done before everyone else is even awake!
Kyle: They're saying something about taking over the entire country.
Randy: [exasperated] Yes. And now seeing how early they get up, I don't see how anyone can stop them. Wait a minute. You boys! You get up almost as early as they do! You can fight them!
Stan: No. Come on, Dad. Can't you guys do it?
Randy: No, son. We... like to sleep in.
An elderly woman: Two hostages come front and center! [Randy looks back, alarmed].
Randy: They're coming!! Get out of here before they see you! Run to the hills and find a way to fight them! Go!! [the boys turn and leave] Boys, avenger me! AVENGE ME!!
Scene Description: The woods. The boys have set up a little camp there for the night.
Stan: All right, check it out. Kenny did reconnaissance on the town. The old people have blockades here [south entrance] and here [west entrance]. The old ladies are keeping watch in towers around the perimeter, and the leaders along with my grandpa are most likely in the Mayor's office.
Cartman: So our only solution is to cut off their life force.
Kyle: We can't fight them, Cartman.
Cartman: No. But we can sneak into town and shut down their food supply. [runs his finger along the map to its destination] Here.
Kyle: Country Kitchen Buffet?
Cartman: Yeah. You take out Country Kitchen Buffet, and old people won't know what to do.
Kyle: That's a retarded idea, Cartman!
Cartman: Is it? Two years ago they closed the Country Kitchen Buffet in Steamboat Springs. And all the old people died of starvation in less than a week.
Stan: Yeah, I remember hearing about that.
Kyle: Even if it could work, how would we go about shutting it down?
Cartman: I think I have a plan, though we'll have to do it tonight.
Cartman: We'll start by sneaking into town, cleverly disguised as black people. [they appear from the sides of buildings dressed in black and then gather in front of one of them] At 5:45 Kenny and Kyle split off and set a diversion on the east end of town. [they head for a train at the South Park Train Station and climb into a caboose. Kenny pulls on the horn] Meanwhile, Stan and I sneak into the Mayor's office[the elderly guards sleep standing up and fail to take notice of any sound] and steal some of the explosives the old people have stashed.
Cartman: Nine o'clock: we rendezvous at the Country Kitchen Buffet, where we strap the explosives and the timer to Kyle's chest. We say our tearful goodbyes to Kyle, and then we send him inside.
Scene Description: Cartman does all the strapping, and he brings out a remote-control trigger as Kyle approaches the restaurant's front door. He presses the button and the buffet blows up. Kyle's charred hat drops back in front of the boys. The boys cheer.
Cartman: Yeah!
Stan: All right!
Kenny: (Woohoo!)
Cartman: Aw yeah!
Stan: We did it! [Cartman is finished and the others look at him like he's crazy]
Stan: ...Yeah, or we just go to Country Kitchen Buffet and lock it from the inside so the seniors can't get in.
Cartman: Well, right, or we could always do that.
Scene Description: South Park, day. The old people have the run of the town, and they're bringing in heavier artillery.
Stewart: All right everyone, round up your ammunition and get ready to move! We're takin' this war further out!
AARP Members: [amid other cheers] All right!
Marvin: Uh, I appreciate what the AARP is tryin' to do for us, but uh, all we want is our licenses back.
Stewart: [puts hand to ear] Huh?? [lowers his hand] Heck no! This is goin' too well.We're gonna take the whole country back. Wipe out everyone below the age of sixty five!
Marvin: Wipe 'em out?? What are you? Senile?
Stewart: [approaches the front door of Country Kitchen Buffet] Come on, everyone! It's time to plan for Phase 2! [tries to get the doors open, but finds they're locked. He scratches his head] What the heck? [checks again, but the doors remain locked] Huh? What is this?! It's 6 a.m. C-Country Kitchen should be open!
Elderly man 9: It's not open? It has to be! [each man takes a door and tries to open it, but the doors won't budge]
Elderly man 10: Try a window.
Elderly man 11: [bangs on a window, to no avail] They're blocked from the inside.
Stewart: No... [bangs frantically on the double doors] Let us in! Let us in!
Elderly man 9: Open the door! It's six a.m. [the other seniors come up and bang on the windows]
Elderly woman: Open the Country Kitchen Buffet for us!
Elderly man: You have to let us in! [a few hours later and all the seniors are sprawled out on the snow. One of them is still trying to crawl. A few more hours and all movement has stopped]
Army official: All right everyone, area secure. Collect their weapons and free the hostages. [walks up to the boys] That was a great strategy, boys. You may very well have saved this entire country. [Randy and Sharon arrive rubbing their eyes. Gerald and Sheila arrive also]
Randy: Whoa-ho-ho-ooh, what happened? Is it over?
Army Official: Everything is fine. Control of the town is back to you folks.
Stewart: [two soldiers escort his fatigued self away] Country Kitchen... wha-what happened?
Soldier: [one of two escorting Marvin] Sir, what should we do with this one?
Army official: It's up to the townspeople.
Randy: Well, I think he learned his lesson. Huh? Don't you feel silly now, Dad? I think somebody owes us all an apology. Yes he does.
Stan: Oh, stop it, Dad! This is partly your fault!
Randy: Huh?
Stan: Look, all Grandpa wants is not to be talked to like a child. I think half of what he was angry about wasn't what you were doing, but how you were doing it.
Marvin: That's right.
Stan: And Grandpa, you should be proud that you made it through life to be a senior, but you should also realize that, when you're behind the wheel, you're a killing machine.
Marvin: I know. I guess sometimes us seniors need to know when to stop driving so we don't put the responsibility on our families.
Randy: Well, I think this has been a real learning experience for the Marsh family. People died, but we all grew a little. Let's just go home.
Marvin: Sure. I'll drive.
Randy: [laughs and goes to wheel Marvin off] That's our Grandpa. [both men and Sharon laugh]
Stan: [to his friends] Dude, I hate my family. [looks down embarrassed and walks away]


Scene Description: Stan's house, day. Stan, Kenny, and Cartman watch TV from the couch. Cartman is eating a bowl of chips.
Stan: Dude, I wonder where Kyle is.
Cartman: Maybe he caught a disease and died. That'd be so awesome.
Stan: Dude that's not funny. You shouldn't joke about that.
Kenny: (Yeah.)
Cartman: Who's joking? [a door opens and closes offscreen]
Kyle: [enters excitedly, his arms up in the air] You guys! You guys! I have awesome news!
Cartman: You have AIDS?
Kyle: No. This Saturday, for my birthday, my Mom says she's takin' me to Casa Bonita, in Denver, and I get to invite three friends!
Cartman: [stands up] Wow! Casa Bonita?!
Kenny: [stands up] (Woo-hoo!)
Stan: [stands up] What's Casa Bonita?
Cartman: Dude, haven't you ever been there?! It's a big Mexican restaurant where they have, like, cliff jumpers and Black Bart's Cave and [holds out his hand wide] all kinds of stuff!
Kyle: It's like the Disneyland of Mexican restaurants.
Cartman: This Saturday! Awesome! [begins to sing to "La Cucaracha"] Casa Bonita! Casa Bonita! Food and fun in a festive atmosphere. [begins to snap his fingers] Casa Bonita!
Kyle: Who said I'm inviting you? [this freezes Cartman for a few seconds]
Cartman: You... your Mom said you could take three friends.
Kyle: Yes. Three friends. You're not my friend.
Cartman: Wuh ih uh... Weh come on, Kyle, who the hell else are you gonna take besides Stan and Kenny?
Kyle: I'm gonna take Butters. He invited me to his birthday party last month, so I owe him one.
Cartman: Butters?! You're gonna take THAT butt hole?! Why?!
Kyle: Because Butters isn't a total dick to me!
Cartman: I have never been a dick to you.
Kyle: [rolls his eyes] Oh please! All you ever do is call me names and rip on me for being Jewish!
Cartman: Kyle, when have I ever ripped on you for being a Jew?
Kyle: [thinks back and counts the number of times Cartman has ripped on him for being a Jew][in the playground. Craig is there instead of Kenny] Oh yeah?! Well you're a stupid Jew![in the playground, by the school's back doors] You're a Jew![in Cartman's room. Cartman is wearing a crown] Shut your God-damned Jew mouth![at Kyle's house, on the front steps] Good job, Jew![singing the Dreidel song with Kyle's family and Stan] Jew...[leaving his seat in class] Shut up, Jew![at Cartman's house, with outfits] You're Jewish!![seated on a curb with the other boys] Dude, he's Jewish![staking out a house] Jew![on Nightline, seated next to Stan] Jew![in Cartman's dining room] Jew![at the side of a road, with Tweek and with their parents] Jew![next to stacks of lumber, as Kyle is about to whack him] Jew![at a barn, through a hole on the roof] Jew![Stan's room. Kyle reads a Bible] Jew?![At the Costa Rican rainforest, during practice] "I told you Jewish people don't have rhythm." "Fuck off, Cartman!"
Cartman: [Cartman thinks back as well] Okay, except maybe for that one time.
Kyle: You've always been a dick to me, Cartman, and I'm not inviting you. [turns and walks away, but Cartman stays close]
Cartman: Kyle, you don't understand! Casa Bonita is my most favorite place [Kyle turns around] in the whole world. I'll just, I'll just die if you don't take me! Please! [holds his hands together in a sign of pleading]
Kyle: [crosses his arms and avoids Cartman's eyes] Sorry, my mind's made up.
Cartman: [turns irate and flips him off] Well fuck you, Kyle!! I don't wanna go to your faggy birthday party anyway! I'd rather hang out at home than have to be around you and your Jew mom for a day! [shoves the middle finger close to Kyle's face] Kiss my balls, asshole!!! [turns and walks away. The front door opens, closes, and opens again. Cartman returns and apologizes] Dude, I totally didn't mean that, Kyle. I really really wanna go to Casa Bonita. I'm sorry we had that fight just now. You know, I mean, I said some things, you said some things, but, I think it was good and we-we've moved past it.
Kyle:: [clearly annoyed now] I'm not inviting you to Casa Bonita.
Cartman: [turns irate and flips him off again] Well fuck you, Kyle!! I hope you die! I hope you fucking die!! [turns and walks away. The front door opens, then closes]
Scene Description: Cartman's house, night. Cartman sleeps...
Cartman: Casa Bonita! Come on, you guys! [waves them on. Next scene is him getting a large platter of food] Oh, awesome!! [next scene is him waving his friends to a cave] Come on, you guys! Black Bart's Cave! [next scene is him by a waterfall] Wow, cliff divers! [a cliff diver takes a dive from the top of the waterfall. Next scene is Cartman on his third dish] More sopapillas, please! [next scene has him dancing in front of a low stage, on which a mariachi quartet plays its songs. An image of Kyle floats through his dream]
Kyle: I'm not inviting you, Cartman. You can't go.
Cartman: [with more foods on his plates, the dream dissolves. He's pulled up and away] No! Noooo! [he's pulled out of Casa Bonita and floats away] Casa Bonita! Noooo! [startled out of his dream] AAAAH!! [catches his breath] Oh... God-damnit, I have to get invited to go! I'm just gonna have to start being nice to Kyle!
Scene Description: Kyle's house, next day. Cartman approaches the front door in a nice sweater and rings the bell. Kyle answers.
Cartman: [looking quite presentable] Hi Kyle. [smiles]
Kyle: [studies Cartman a bit, but isn't impressed] That isn't it, Cartman.
Cartman: What isn't it?
Kyle: That's not being nice! That's just putting on a nice sweater!
Cartman: ...I don't understand the difference.
Kyle: I know you don't. [steps back and slams the door on Cartman's face]
Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. The kids head for class: Bill, Craig, Wendy, then Jimmy. Cartman enters and rounds the corner, sees Jimmy and runs up to him.
Cartman: Jimmy! Hey Jimmy, wait up! [Annie and Red walk by at the far end of the hall. Jimmy stops] Dude, uh I need your help on something.
Jimmy: Well, sure, Eric. W-w-what seems to be the p-p-p-problem?
Cartman: Well, everybody likes you, Jimmy, a-and you seem to be really good with people, so, I was wondering if you could tell me, how "do" you act nice to people?
Jimmy: Well, the best thing is not to act nice, Eric. Uh, the best thing is to be genuinely nice.
Cartman: Okay, so how do you act genuinely nice to people?
Jimmy: Well, Eric, pah part of being nice is just making people smile and laugh. The best way to do that is by telling a fan-tastic joke or a humorous anti-d- ant'duhh ...anecdote.
Cartman: Like what?
Jimmy: Well, like, try this one on for size: Knock knock.
Cartman: Who's there?
Jimmy: Ing-mar ...Bergman. [Cartman jumps, but not because of the joke. Kyle approaches them from the other end of the hall.] Now you say, "Ingmar Bergman who?" [Cartman quickly punches Jimmy in the face]
Cartman: Take that, Jimmy! [strikes him again, and Jimmy falls away] And that! And don't you ever talk bad about Kyle again! [Kyle stops by and looks. Cartman glances at him] Kyle is my friend! And if you say you had sex with his mom one more time, I'm gonna really let you have it! You hear me?! [looks at Kyle] Oh, Kyle. Hey.
Kyle: Do you really think that beating up a handicapped kid is being nice? [turns and walks on his way]
Cartman: Uh... [turns and runs towards Kyle] He-hey Kyle! Knock knock. [follows him around the corner] Knock knock, Kyle!
Scene Description: The school cafeteria. Cartman is looking at a picture. A tear wells up in his left eye. The picture's frame reads "I Had A Good Time at CASA BONITA," and the picture within is one of Cartman, his mom, and the mariachis in the background. He hears Kyle's excited voice.
Kyle: Yeah, Casa Bonita, this Saturday! [approaches a table with Kenny, Stan, and Butters]
Butters: Wow, that's gonna be so fun!
Stan: Yeah, it'll be awesome. Just the four of us.
Kenny: (Yeah!) [Cartman sits at his own table, alone.]
Scene Description: The school hall, the bell rings. Red and Annie walk one way, Kyle and Craig the opposite way. Keven opens up his locker. Kyle stops at his locker, and Cartman walks up.
Cartman: Hey Kyle.
Kyle: Well?
Cartman: Well what?
Kyle: How are you going to try to get invited to Casa Bonita this time?
Cartman: I'm not, Kyle. I know you already told Butters he could go.
Kyle: Oh. Well... yeah. I, I did.
Cartman: So, fine, Kyle, but honestly, I never meant to make you feel like you didn't matter at all to me. I know we argue all the time and I give you tons of crap, but we've also been through a, a lot together, and... maybe that alone doesn't make us friends, but it makes us something. So, ...whatever, you know, just... ah I hope... things will be cool.
Kyle: I'm still not inviting you to Casa Bonita.
Cartman: I know, Kyle. I'll see ya later. [turns and walks away]
Kyle: Eh... hey, Cartman? [Cartman turns around] You really don't care that you can't go?
Cartman: I care, sure, but I hope it doesn't mean you and me and Stan and Kenny can't hang out anymore.
Kyle: That's exactly what I wanted to hear from you all along. Ah uh I still have to take Butters, but... I hope things can be cool too.
Cartman: Good.
Kyle: And, and hey, if for some reason Butters can't go to Casa Bonita, you can take his place.
Cartman: Sweet, whatever. [walks on, then mouths to himself] Bingo!
Scene Description: Cartman's house, Friday night. Cartman leads Butters into his bedroom.
Butters: What's this all about, Eric?
Cartman: [leads him to a telescope, then turns] Butters, can you keep a secret?
Butters: Well, sure I can!
Cartman: For the past five days I've been looking out into space for a school project. This morning, at 3:45 a.m. I... caught first sight of something terrible.
Butters: Nnn-how terrible?
Cartman: A meteor. A meteor the size of Wyoming, heading right for earth.
Butters: What?? [begins rubbing his hands together nervously]
Cartman: Now look, ah I could be wrong. I ...pray that I'm wrong, but, I just want you to take a look and... see what you think. [backs up and looks through the eyepiece] Do you see anything?
Butters: I just see stars. [Cartman hops onto a chair and fishes in his left jacket pocket. He pulls out a wad of junk hanging from a string]
Cartman: Keep looking. Sometimes it takes your eyes a minute to adjust.
Butters: Nope, uh I don't see any... [Cartman holds up the wad against the objective lens] Oh wait. Oh my God! I see it. I see it! It's a meteor! Oh my God!
Cartman: Oh my God! Does it look like it's getting closer? [Butters looks through again and Cartman holds up the wad, moving it closer to the objective lens.]
Butters: It is! It is getting closer! Oh my God!
Cartman: Oh my God! That meteor is the size of Wyoming and it's on a collision course for Earth.
Butters: When do you think uh it'll get here?
Cartman: I, I don't know, I, have to do some calculations. [heads for his desk and pulls out a calculator] 10 to the power of 1 base 9 divided by pi plus 5 minus 3. Oh Jesus.
Butters: What??
Cartman: According to my calculations, that meteor is going to hit Earth in less than four hours.
Butters: Oh, you mean we're gonna die?!
Cartman: No! No, Butters, we are going to live! Do you hear me?! We are going to live! We just... We've gotta find a bomb shelter!
Butters: Wha...? Where is there a bomb shelter??
Cartman: Stan's Uncle Jimbo! He has a bomb shelter in his backyard! Come on, Butters! Hurry! [heads out the door]
Butters: AAAAHH! [follows him out]
Scene Description: Jimbo's house. Cartman and Butters head for the bomb shelter.
Butters: Oh Jeez!
Cartman: Here we go! The bomb shelter's down here! [opens the shelter's lid]
Butters: [enters and climbs down the ladder within] Oh God! Oh Jesus! [Cartman watches him, then follows him down the ladder]
Cartman: [reaches the shelter floor] All right, we should be safe in here. This dried food and water should last us for weeks.
Butters: But what about everyone else? I have to tell my parents so they can come here, too.
Cartman: No! Butters! I can't let you risk it. I'll go up and get the others.
Butters: Are you sure?
Cartman: [looks away] I'm not sure of anything anymore. [turns and climbs up the ladder. He makes it out and looks down] Now Butters, listen: No matter what happens, no matter what you hear, do not come out! If I don't make it back in time with the others, then it will be up to you to repopulate the Earth.
Butters: But I'm the only one down here. What am I supposed to repopulate with?
Cartman: Well, you know, with your wiener. [Butters just stares back] Just stay down here until you hear word from me. And... pray, Butters... pray for all mankind. [leaves and closes the lid, then locks it]
Butters: [in darkness] Oh God, oh God!
Scene Description: Kyle's house, Saturday night. Stan and Kenny are dressed in stripes, Sheila waits in a fur coat, Kyle is in his Sunday best checking his watch.
Kyle: Where is Butters? We were supposed to leave here forty minutes ago.
Sheila: Well I think we better just go without him, Kyle. It's getting late.
Kyle: Yeah, screw him. Let's go. [the door bell rings and Kyle looks at the door] Oh, finally! [walks to get the door, but sees Cartman instead]
Cartman: [bearing a gift] Happy Birthday, Kyle. I just wanted to stop by and give you your present.
Kyle: Oh. Thanks, dude.
Cartman: Hope you have a good one. See you later. [turns around and walks toward the street]
Kyle: Oh wait. Cartman.
Cartman: Yes?
Kyle: Uh Butters didn't show. You wanna go to Casa Bonita with us?
Cartman: [enters the house] Butters didn't show? I I can't believe it. Uh are you sure you told him the right time and everything?
Kyle: I told him 5:30 and we gotta get going. You in?
Cartman: Well I... really would need to go home first and get my... Weh no no, I guess I have everything I need. Oh, okay, sure.
Kyle: All right, let's go.
Sheila: [heads for the front door] Okay, boys. Get in the car.
Cartman: [gets excited] Casa Bonita, here we come! Casa Bonita! Casa Bonita!
Sheila: [finds Butters' parents approaching] Oh, hello Chris, Linda.
Chris: [misty-eyed. Linda sobs silently] Hello everyone. Have any of you seen our son?
Kyle: Butters was supposed to go with us to Casa Bonita tonight.
Chris: We know, but... he hasn't been home since last night. The police have been looking everywhere, but... [Linda cries audibly] Well, thank you. Uh, please, let us know if you find out anything. [they leave. Linda is sobbing hard]
Linda: Oh Butters!
Kyle: Aw dude, weak.
Cartman: [lowers his head and walks towards the front door] Yeah. Man, that sucks about Butters. [brightens up] Well, let's get going, shall we?
Kyle: Nah. Dude, I c-I can't go to have a birthday party while Butters is missing.
Stan: Yeah, it's kinda weird.
Cartman: [a little stunned] Ee-yeah yeah. I think you're right, but, on the other hand, I think Butters would want us to go. You know Butters...
Kyle: Nah, I can't. We should help look for him.
Stan: Yeah.
Sheila: That's very good of you, boys. We can postpone Casa Bonita until next Saturday.
Cartman: Next Saturday?? I'll never be able to keep Butters in the... [catches himself and waits for a reaction. None comes] In the... depths of my heart for that long. I sure hope he... turns up before then.
Stan: Dude, we should check over at Stark's Pond. Butters always hangs out over there. [exits]
Kyle: Yeah. And then we can try the football field. [exits]
Sheila: I'll drive you boys. [exits]
Cartman: [left alone] Oh, God-damnit! How am I gonna keep Butters down in that bomb shelter for a whole week?!
Scene Description: South Park, Sunday. In front of the police station, Officer Barbrady stands by while one of his men issues the report to the crowd standing before the dais.
Yates: All right, folks, this is the little boy we're looking for: [holds up a picture of Butters] Leopold Stotch, also known as Butters. He's been missing for two days and was last seen at the school. Let's go find him.
Scene Description: The bomb shelter. Butters has found the light switch and is enjoying the rations stored on the shelves along the wall.
Butters: [reading some directions] "Dried food rations. Add water to feed flavored square..." [the lid opens up above him] Hello? [rises and looks up] Hello??
Cartman: [suddenly looks in, looking terribly roughed up] Butters!
Butters: [jumps back, startled] Hwaaaah!!
Cartman: Butters! Oh God, it was... It was horrible!
Butters: Wuh, wait, well, what happened??
Cartman: [faking fatigue] The meteor... struck the Earth sooner than I predicted. There was no time... no time...
Butters: What about my parents. Did you see them?
Cartman: There was mass confusion! Pa... panic! People were crawling all over each other in the streets! It was... awful! When it hit, millions were evaporated instantly. The rest of us... walking around in a... cloud of... toxic... radiation. [coughs]
Butters: [heads for the ladder and begins to climb] Oh my God, let me see!
Cartman: No Butters!! If you come up, you'll get infected too! You best wait for the radiation level to go down. Probably... next week sometime. After Saturday. Ugh...
Butters: [off the ladder] How many survivors are there? You should all come down here.
Cartman: We can't come down there, or else, we'll contaminate you, Butters. No... we just have to survive the best we can. [strains a bit, like he's gonna cough]
Butters: Wow... Eric, I can never thank you enough for everything you've done for me.
Cartman: Thank me by living, Butters. Live. And... rebuild. [coughs] I've got to go. Remember, wait one week for the toxic levels to go down. On Saturday. [moves off] G-goodbye! [locks the lid down once again] All right. Just six days, Butters. Sit tight.
Scene Description: Police station, night. News 4 is covering another announcement by the police.
Field reporter: Tom, it has now been three days since the Stotch child has gone missing. Townspeople continue to search, but hope... is dwindling.
Yates: All right, folks. I wanna thank you for all your efforts. Three days is a long time, but we've got to keep going if we're gonna find him.
Cartman: [not spoken, he's thinking this while Yates speaks.] Heh you're not going to find him. Not until after Saturday when I go to Casa Bonita. [closes his eyes and begins anticipating. Three images come up. The first is of his waitress bringing him food, the second is of him dancing before a mariachi band, the third is of the cliff divers. He begins to dance while he daydream]
Yates: Many times in cases like these a child can trap themselves. It is important that we spread our search to duct pipes, wells, and bomb shelters. [Cartman's dance is rudely interrupted by this]
Cartman: What what what?
Yates: I say we need to move the search to ducts, wells, and bomb shelters. Let's move out, people! Every second counts! [the crowd breaks up and begins the search]
Cartman: UUuuugh!! [runs off]
Butters: But if you leave me now, you'll take away the biggest part of me.Oo-oo-ooooo-oo girl, baby please don't go. Eh,Oo-oo-ooooo-oo girl. [the shelter lid opens again] Eric? [rises and looks up the shaft] Eric, is that you?
Cartman: [scrambling down the ladder] Oh God! They're coming! They're coming! We gotta get out of here! They're coming this way!
Butters: Who's coming this way?
Cartman: The cannibals! Don't you know? The meteor destroyed all of society, Butters. Now Earth is ruled by packs of wild humans gone mad! Those of us who survived are now being hunted by flesh-starved cannibals!
Butters: Oh God! I hate cannibals!
Cartman: They're coming this way! I can hear them coming. They'll find you down here for sure. And when they do, they'll eat you alive.
Butters: Noooo!
Cartman: We've gotta get you out of here! Come on! Oh oh no wait, I forgot! The toxic radiation! Hey wait! We can use this box! [picks it up and promptly drops it over Butters so Butters can't see a thing.] There we go. This should keep you protected from the toxins.
Butters: But I can't see nothin'.
Cartman: Believe me, Butters, you don't wanna see what's up there. Now come on. I'll guide you to a safer location. [guides him to the ladder and nudges him up] There you go. Two more steps and you're at the top. [Butters climbs out] Good.
Butters: Are we out in the destruction?
Cartman: Yes. There's nothing but smoldering bodies all around you. Burnt out buildings, and what used to be our town.
Butters: Aw man.
Cartman: All right, this way, Butters. Just follow the sound of my voice. [walks off. Butters follows]
Scene Description: An open field, night. Butters and Cartman are walking through the field behind a row of houses, far enough away so that no sound can reach them.
Cartman: Right now we're walking by what used to be people's houses, now just smoldering burnt piles of rubble.
Butters: Huh... Oh, it's terrible.
Cartman: We're coming now to the crater where the meteor hit. A hole in the Earth over two miles in diameter.
Butters: Whoa!
Scene Description: The old gas station.
Cartman: Here we are at the old gas station. It survived a lot of the impact. We might be safe here. [steps to the other side and begins making noises, then steps back] Oh my God!
Butters: Whaaat??
Cartman: It's a cannibal! Stay back, cannibal! [steps to the other side and begins making noises, then steps back]
Butters: AAAAHH!
Cartman: We've got to fight them off! [jabs at the air a few times] Stay away from Butters! He's humanity's last hope! [makes "cannibal" noises] Awww! He bit me! He bit off my hand!!
Butters: Waaaaaah!
Cartman: [picks up a twig] Aw man, he's eating my hand like a piece of chicken! Can you hear the bones crack? [goes to Butters' other side and begins breaking off pieces of the twig as he makes more "cannibal" noises.]
Butters: Ooohhhh!
Cartman: Wait! Look here! There's a dead body with an axe in the back. I'll pull out the axe and use it to chop off the cannibal's head. Hunh! [swings it and kills the "cannibal"] Die! [one last jab, the "cannibal" "croaks" and it's over]
Butters: Ooooh, what happened? What happened?!
Cartman: [feigns exhaustion] The cannibal! The cannibal's dead, Butters! But he bit me, [checks out his hand] which means soon I will have a taste for human flesh as well.
Butters: Oh no!
Cartman: We have no choice, Butters! We have to lock you away somewhere where even I can't get to you!
Butters: Uh w-where??
Cartman: Look! There's an old refrigerator! [reaches it and opens it] Get inside, Butters! I'll break off the handle so nobody can get to you!
Butters: Aren't you coming?
Cartman: Too late for me. I can already feel my... body start to... change. [begins to "change"] No! Must... fight... it... Don't open this door for anybody, Butters! No matter what you hear, stay inside for four days! Here's some water and food from the shelter.
Butters: Eric, you're the ...best friend in the whole world. I... I love you.
Cartman: I love you too, man. I just [goes into spasms] You look so delicious! Must eat your brains! [lunges at Butters, who quickly closes the refrigerator door. Cartman walks up and rips off the door handle, then walks away chuckling to himself. A few seconds later a garbage truck backs up and removes the refrigerator from the gas station]
Scene Description: South Park, next day. Cartman is happily asleep in his bed and his alarm goes off.
Cartman: Hah! [turns off his bear alarm clock, hops out of bed cheerfully and skips to his wall calendar he made just for the occasion.] It's Wednesday! It's Wednesday! [crosses off Tuesday on his calendar] Only three more days till Casa Bonita. I'm gonna go through Black Bart's Cave first. No! I'm gonna watch the cliff divers first! Maybe if I tell them it's my birthday, they'll let me cliff-dive in the pool! [walks off to get dressed] Oh, that would be so bad-ass!
Scene Description: Park County Trash Dump, night. The refrigerator is now there and begins to heave. Butters kicks his way out of it, having run out of air.
Butters: [rises, catches his breath, and dusts himself off] Finally I can breathe a- [looks at the apparent devastation around him] Oh my God. Oh my God, the meteor took out everything! It's all destroyed. Nothing left. [walks forth] Hello? Are there any, are there any other survivors? Hello? Oh. That must have been where the library was. And that was probably the school. Hello? [rustling sounds are heard and he tenses up in fear, then softly] Oh. I forgot, I gotta watch out for radioactive cannibals. [more loudly] Is that a cannibal? Sir? Ma'am? [he watches, and a dog emerges from the rubble] Oh. Aww, it's a little dog. [approaches the mutt] Well, hello there, Mr. Dog. Looks like you and me are the only ones who survive the meteor, heh. We should stick together, huh, Mr. Dog? Well come on, we gotta start cleanin' up this mess, and rebuild this civilization. Boy, that meteor sure did make everything stinky. [walks into the rubble and begins his work]
Scene Description: South Park, day. On the highway, Sheila drives the boys towards their destination. All the boys are now wearing suits instead of sweaters. Stan, Cartman, and Kenny sit in the back seat.
Cartman: We're on our way to Casa Bonita! We're gonna be there very soon. You're gonna love Casa Bonita, Stan. There, there's this one part where you can dress up in Old Western clothes and get your photo taken in a fake jail.
Stan: Really?
Kyle: Yeah, it's pretty cool.
Cartman: [sniffs] "Pretty cool." So, um, should we go to Black Bart's Cave first or watch the puppet show? I think we should go through Black Bart's Cave right away 'cause, we're gonna wanna do it seven or eight times. And then we'll watch the cliff divers before the puppet show.
Stan: Dude, it's Kyle's birthday. We should do whatever he wants to do.
Cartman: What? Fuck Kyle. [the others look at him in astonishment] Ha ha, j-just kidding, birthday joke. Of course we'll do whatever Kyle wants, uh. Happy Birthday, Kyle.
Cartman: Happy Birthday to you. Happy- [looks at the other boys for support]
Stan, Cartman, Kenny: Birthday to you. Happy Birthday dear Kyle. Happy Birthday to you. [they pass a missing person's billboard with Butters on it and South Park PD's phone number].
Scene Description: Park County Trash Dump, day. A worker drives into the dump in her truck and pulls out stuffed trash bags from the truck bed.
Butters: [off-screen] You take away the biggest part of me. [the worker listens, then goes to the source of the sound] Woo-oo-ooooo-oo-oo, uh baby please don't go. [hums a bit; the worker arrives to see him sweeping] Woo-oo-ooooo-oo-oo, I just had to find my say to you tan...
Worker: Hello? [her name tag reads "Irene."]
Butters: [quickly arms himself with the broom] HAAAAGH! Who are you? Are you infected?
Worker: With what?
Butters: You're not a cannibal, are you?
Worker: No?
Butters: Oh. [drops the broom and smiles] Oh good. You're a survivor, like me. Look, Mr. Dog, another survivor. And it's a lady, too. That means we can repopulate the earth. Yippee!
Worker: Kid, what are you doin' here?
Butters: I'm rebuilding society. Here, take a look. [moves off to his left, she follows. They pass a row of makeshift buildings that he built overnight] This is the library, and over here is the bank. That over there I'm thinking into a P.F. Chang's or a Bennigan's. And this [a statue that reads Cartman under it] is a memorial to Eric Cartman, the person who gave his life so that I could rebuild society. Well ma'am, I guess we should start repopulatin' the earth, huh? [promptly unzips and drops his pants, then steps forward.] I'm ready whenever you are.
Worker: Kid, I don't know what you think is going on, but this place is a dump.
Butters: Hey, that's not very nice! This is my first society! I'm doin' my best!
Worker: No, I mean you're at the garbage dump. The town is right over there, everybody is fine, and I think they've been looking for you for over a week.
Butters: [looks at her for a long time, then looks towards the town] Oh... [realizes he's been tricked, he looks down and pulls up his pants.] Ma'am, can I use your phone?
Scene Description: Casa Bonita, night. Sheila pulls into a parking space.
Cartman: We're here! We're here! Casa Bonita! [the boys climb out of the car] Aw man, this is gonna be so great!
Sheila: Wait up, Eric. We need to stay together. [Cartman stops and dances in place. A phone rings] Uh, hold on boys, that's my cell phone. [fishes it out of her purse and answers it] Hello? Yes. Oh, that's great! [to her charges] Boys, they found Butters. [Cartman stops dancing and his grin turns into panic] He's okay.
Kyle: Oh, awesome.
Stan: I knew he'd turn up.
Sheila: Yes, Eric Cartman is with us. Why? [her face turns stern] Oh really? [Cartman looks around for a way to escape]
Kyle: What?
Sheila: Yes, I will certainly let him know. Thank you. [hangs up and puts the phone away] Well, it appears that Eric here is responsible for Butters missing, because he wanted to go to Casa Bonita. [the anger now registers on the other boys' faces]
Kyle: What?
Sheila: Eric, the South Park Police are already on their way here to have a little talk with you!
Cartman: But... Casa Bonita.
Kyle: [approaches Cartman, who turns around] I should have known better! You never cared about my birthday at all!
Cartman: [turns to face Casa Bonita] But I... [turns back] but... [suddenly takes Kyle hostage] Stand back!
Stan: Cartman, stop it!
Cartman: [backs up towards the restaurant with Kyle still hostage] I... am going... to Casa... Bonita! [sirens are heard]
Kyle: It's too late, fatass. [Cartman stops] They'll be here in less than a minute.
Cartman: [hauls Kyle away a bit longer] Ah! Eh. Nuh! [throws him away and dashes for the entrance] Less than a minute! Less than a minute!
Kyle: [rises and turns around] Cartman!
Scene Description: Casa Bonita, inside. Cartman races into the restaurant.
Cartman: Oh, awesome!! [approaches a table which has a family enjoying its dinner] Excuse me, excuse me? Can I get to eat some of your- [grabs some food from both the mother's plate and the father's plate] Thank you. Thank you. [climbs over the table] Oh, I've got to get to Black Bart's Cave! [hops off and runs for the cave, barging his way past two other kids] Ah! Excuse me? Excuse me! Coming through to Black Bart's Cave! [runs in] Oh! [stops at a treasure chest with a pirate skeleton beside it] Oh, scary! Look, a skeleton! [moves on] Oh man, I'm so scared! [exits]
Cartman: Oh! Oh! Oh, that was awesome! Oh! Oh! Cliff divers! [rushes to them, stopping long enough to dance before the mariachi band] Come on! Come on, dive! [atop the waterfall, a cliff diver stands ready] Dive, asshole! [the diver dives into the pool below] Oh, awesome! That was cool, huh? [looks towards the entrance and sees the rest of his party and the police enter the restaurant] Whoa. [dashes for the jail set at the Photo Flash Back. He puts on the suit waiting for the next customer and looks out from behind bars. His picture is taken and he quickly jumps down from the cell. He moves on to the table he dreamt about two weeks ago] Sopapillas! Can I get some sopapillas please?! [a waitress arrives with a plate of sopapillas] Sweeet! [runs off with it and heads for a new attraction] Oh! Booth! Puppet show! Puppet show! [an officer steps in and blocks his way, he tosses his dessert away and turns back]
Kyle: Cartman! [the boys and Sheila trace his path and close in on Cartman. Cartman runs up along the side of the "cliff" until he gets to the top, where two other officers meet him]
Yates: All right, kid! End of the line!
Cartman: [steps left] Ah. [steps right] Uh. [moves around a bit more, then jumps off the cliff] Yeeeesss!
Kyle: Jesus Christ! [Cartman ends up face down in the water, which isn't deep enough to drown him. He flips over and coughs.
Yates: Well kid, you made an entire town panic, you lost all your friends, and now you're going to Juvenile Hall for a week! Huh, was it worth it?
Cartman: Totally. [smiles]


Scene Description: South Park Elementary, day. In Mr. Garrison's classroom the kids enter and go for their desks.
Mr. Garrison: Okay, children, let's take our seats. [a blond boy stands to his left] We have a new student joining us today who has just moved here from Utah. I want you all to say hi to Gary. [Gary looks around. The kids don't say a word]
Gary: Hello everybody. It's really great to meet you all.
Mr. Garrison: Gary was state champion in wrestling AND in tennis. [Stan, Kyle, and Kenny look at each other] He also maintained a 4.0 grade point average at his old school AND has been on two national commercials for toothpaste.
Gary: I'm really excited to live in this town and share all kinds of great experiences with you, my new friends!
Kyle: [quietly, to Stan] Oh, dude, what a little asshole!
Stan: Yeah, screw that kid!
Mr. Garrison: All right, Gary, why don't you take that empty seat and we'll get started with the lesson? [Gary goes to the seat to Cartman's right as Cartman looks on with some trepidation. Once Gary is seated, Cartman lurches away from him about six inches]
Gary: [offering a handshake] Hey. My name's Gary.
Cartman: [falsetto] Hi. My name's Eura. Eura Fag.
Gary: [laughs] That's funny. You're cool, man.
Mr. Garrison: Okay now, who can tell me what year the first astronauts landed on the moon? [writes "Moon Landing" on the board]
Gary: [without hesitation] Oh! Oh oh oh! Nineteen sixty nine!
Mr. Garrison: Very good, Gary. Wow, looks like I don't have a class full of retards anymore, doesn't it, children? [writes "1969" on the board]
Scene Description: The playground. Gary is kicking a soccer ball around. The other fourth grade boys approach and look. Shown are Craig, Butters, Kyle, Clyde, Stan, Cartman, Token, Kevin, and another boy
Kyle: Dude, that new kid is such a douche!
Cartman: Yeah. Somebody needs to put him in him place!
Butters: He's a peckerface, that's what he is!
Cartman: Go kick his ass, Stan.
Clyde: Yeah, go kick his ass.
Stan: Well, maybe he won't fight.
Cartman: Will he bleed? That's all we care about.
Kyle: Come on, dude, somebody needs to wipe that fuckin' smirk off his face!
Craig: Yeah, little bitch!
Stan: All right, I'm gonna go kick his ass. [leaves]
Cartman: Yeah! Go Stan! Go Stan! [then, when Stan is gone, softly] All right, I've got five bucks on the other kid. Who wants in?
Gary: [looks up as Stan approaches] Oh hey there! You wanna kick the ball around with me?
Stan: No. I'm... I'm gonna kick your ass.
Gary: Excuse me?
Stan: I'm gonna kick your ass... [glances back] bitch.
Gary: How come you wanna fight me? ...Oh, I get it. I'm the new kid. [sigh] Yeah, I guess maybe I deserve it.
Stan: [off guard] Huh?
Gary: It's really tough being in a totally new place, but I think all you guys are really cool so... I understand if there's initiation rites.
Stan: Dude, stop it.
Butters: [back in the crowd] Let him have it, Stan!
Stan: Shut up, Butters!
Gary: The other kids are watching. Look, do what you gotta do. I won't fight back. I just hope that maybe afterwards we can... try to be friends someday.
Kyle: [back in the crowd] What are they doing?
Cartman: They're just standing there, talking. [A few moments later, Stan returns defeated. He glances back at Gary, then approaches the other boys]
Kyle: What happened? [Stan glances back, then looks at Kyle]
Stan: I'm... [stares back at Gary] going over to his house for dinner tonight.
Token: What?! How did that happen?
Stan: [stammering] He's a really nice kid.
Cartman: You were supposed to kick his ass, not lick his butthole!
Kyle: You're having dinner with his family? What kind of family has a kid like that?
Scene Description: Gary's house. His family is enjoying itself at the dinner table, playing a board game, "LIVING", and laughing.
Dad: Okay, my turn. [turns a little wheel] Ooo, five! [moves his piece] One two three four five. Uh, awww, lost your mortgage, pay ten thousand dollars! Oh no! [they all laugh. Gary and Stan enter]
Mom: Hey, it's Gary!
Older sister: Gary!
Older brother: Great to see you!
Mom: How are you?
Gary: Hey everybody! This is my new friend Stan. Stan, this is my mom and dad.
Dad: Hi Stan!
Mom: It's so nice to meet you.
Gary: [the camera pans to the older brother] And this is my brother Mark.
Mark: Hi!
Gary: [then to the older sister] My sister Jenny.
Jenny: Hey!
Gary: My little brother Dave.
Dave: Hi!
Gary: And my baby sister Amanda.
Amanda: [removes her pacifier] Hello Stan!
Dad: Well, it's great you could join us for Family Home Evening, Stan!
Stan: What's that?
Gary: That's when we don't allow any TV and just entertain each other with music and stories. Doesn't your family ever do that?
Stan: No.
Dad: Hey kids! Why don't you grab your instruments and play a song for Stan!
Jenny: Oh yeah!
Mark: All right! Let's play! [the kids grab their instruments. Jenny and Gary take guitars, Mark takes a trumpet, Dave takes the drums, and Amanda takes the little piano. The kids launch into song]
Gary: Yeah yeah, yeah, I love my family! My family is the best! If we ever have to face a challenge.
The kids: My family!
Gary: Can pass the test. [the parents bounce softly to the beat. Next scene, the family is back at table for dinner. Mom comes in with a big turkey platter]
Dad: Oh boy! Who is the best Mom in the world?? [the rest of the family chatters. Next scene shows Dave juggling three balls]
Mark: All right! Go Dave!
Gary: Yeah!
Jenny, Mark: Woohoo! [next scene is Mark doing Shakespeare's "Hamlet", with skull]
Mark: Where be your gibes now? Your gambols? Your songs? [next scene is Amando in Russian dress, dancing]
The Family: Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! [next scene, they're all laughing at something]
Mark: That's a great story, Sarah.
Dad: All right, kids, now how about we do some Scripture readings! From the Book of Mormon!
Mark: All right!
Kids: Yeah!
Mark: Woohoo! OOWW!
Stan: The... Book of Mormon? What's that?
Gary: You know... the book that Joseph Smith found.
Stan: Who's Joseph Smith? [they laugh at his ignorance]
Mark: Only the most important person in the world.
Jenny: You've never heard of him?
Stan: No!
Gary: Tell us the story of Joseph Smith, Dad.
The other kids: Oh yes, tell us Dad. Yeah Dad. All right.
Dad: All right, you rascals. Gather round. [the kids draw closer to their dad] Joseph Smith lived in a little American town in the early 1800s.
Scene Description: A little American town in the early 1800s. A man rides by in a small carriage pulled by one horse. In the distance, Joseph Smith strolls into town.
Singers: Joseph Smith was called a prophet Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb He started the Mormon religion Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb
Blacksmith: There goes that kooky Joseph Smith.
Customer: You know, he claims he spoke with God and Jesus.
Woman: Well, how do you know he didn't?
Singers: Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb Joseph Smith was called a prophet-
Butler: Hey, Joseph! I told my wife that you spoke with God and Jesus, and she didn't believe it.
Smith: Well it's true. I did.
Wife: Where?
Smith: I was out in the woods, praying [a shot of him on his knees in the woods] I was asking God if I should be a Protestant, or a Catholic, or what? And suddenly God and Jesus appeared before me. [a bright light appears before him and he shields his eyes from the glare] And they said I should start my own church, because none of the others had it right. [the flashback ends] And that's exactly how it happened.
Butler: You see? You believe it now?
Wife: Well yeah, sure. Why would he make that up?
Singers: Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb Many people believed Joseph Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb And that night he-ee saw an angel Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb
Smith: [in bed inside a shack] And please bless Mother and Father, and please keep our bellies full of yum-yums and luscious goodies. [a flash of light and a glowing orb flies around the room] AAAHH! [the orb turns into an angel] Oh my gosh!
Angel: I am Moroni. I am a Native American.
Smith: A... [looks at the camera] Native American? [looks at Moroni] But your skin is white.
Moroni: Yes. Long ago all Native American were white. We all came to America from Jerusalem. And while we were here we were visited by Christ.
Smith: [looks at the camera] Jesus live here in America?
Moroni: Yes. Eventually, my people were all killed by the other tribe of Israel, and as punishment, God turned their skin red. These are the Native Americans you know today. [Smith looks at the camera dumbstruck]
Singers: Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb
Moroni: There is an ancient book buried near here, written on gold plates that account my people's lives. Also buried with the book are two seer stones, the Urim and Thummim, which will allow you to translate the writings. Find it, and fulfill your destiny. [brightens and then vanishes]
Smith: Wooww... [gets up and dressed. He exits his shack]
Singers: Joseph Smith was called a prophet Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb
Scene Description: Back to the present.
Dad: And we all know what happened then, don't we?
Kids: Yeah! I know!
Stan: What happened then? [a small timer rings]
Mom: Ooo, the Rice Crispy squares are done!
Kids: Rice Crispy squares! Yay! All right! Rice Crispy squares!
Dad: Hey gang, let's wrap some more of them up in plastic wrap and hand them out to the poor!
Gary: Awesome! I can't wait!
Jenny: Yeah! [the family rises from the couch and leaves]
Gary: You coming, Stan?
Stan: No, I was supposed to be home at eight.
Dad: Awww, that's too bad. Well, it was really nice meeting you, Stan. [the family returns and hugs Stan]
Mark, Jenny: Bye Stan!
Mom: Great to meet you!
Gary: Bye!
Scene Description: Stan's house, night. What a contrast. Randy watches TV on the couch with beer in hand, Shelly watches it on the floor, Sharon watches it from the dining table solving crossword puzzles. Stan enters upon this desolate scene.
Stan: ...Hello?
Sharon: Oh, hi Stan.
Stan: [a few seconds later] Hey Dad, how come you never told me about Joseph Smith?
Randy: Who?
Shelly: Shut up, turd! We're watching Friends!
Stan: The guy who spoke to God and Jesus.
Sharon: Well, Stan, God and Jesus don't actually speak to people.
Stan: That's not what the Harrisons said.
Randy: Who are the Harrisons?
Stan: The new people that moved in down the street. Mr. Harrison said that Joseph Smith spoke to God and Jesus and they told him none of the religions were right.
Randy: Oh, did he now?! What are they, religious kooks?!
Stan: They're not kooks, they're cool. I mean, how come we never have a night where we don't watch any TV and we just... do stuff together and eat and drink?
Randy: We have that, Stan. It's called Friday Night Kegger.
Stan: But that's just you and your friends.
Shelly: I said shut up, turd!
Stan: Mr. Harrison said that I should be following Heavenly Father's plan, and I don't even know what that is.
Randy: [rises and moves towards the front door] All right, that does it!
Sharon: Where are you going?
Randy: I'm gonna go have a talk with this "Mr. Harrison." [grabs his coat from the coat rack and puts it on] If he thinks he can fill my son's head with wacko religious crap, he's wrong! [drinks the last of his beer]
Sharon: Randy, don't cause trouble.
Randy: Let me handle this, Sharon. You gotta put these cult people in their place or else they never stop! I'm gonna go kick this Mr. Garrison's ass! [exits and slams the door shut, but quickly returns] This, Mr. Harrison is, is a white guy, right?
Stan: Yeah.
Randy: [confidence restored] Yeah, I'm gonna go kick his ass! [slams the door]
Scene Description: The neighborhood, night. Randy walks down the street.
Randy: God-damned religious kooks! Tell my son what to believe, will you?! We'll see how you like my fist in your ass! [approaches the front door of the house and pounds on the door. Gary's father answers it]
Mr. Harrison: Hello!
Randy: Yeah, are you Mr. Harrison?
Mr. Harrison: I sure am. [offers his right hand] The, the name's Gary.
Randy: Well, look, my kid was just over at your house and he a-
Gary Sr.: Oh, you're Stan's dad! It's so nice to finally meet you! Karen! Mr. Marsh is here!
Randy: Uh, look, I just want to tell you that
Karen: [arrives with a tray of squares] Oh, Mr. Marsh! What a treat! It's so nice to meet you!
Randy: Well, thanks. Uh...
Gary Sr.: Karen just finished baking the most amazing Rice Crispy squares.
Karen: With chocolate frosting
Gary Sr.: Come on out of the cold. You've gotta try one. Or six. [chuckles]
Scene Description: The coffee table in the living room.
Gary Sr.: I cannot tell you how wonderful it is to have you over.
Karen: [serving lemonade] I hear you're a geologist. That is so amazing.
Randy: Look, uh, I actually came over because I'm a little concerned about some of the things you told my son.
Gary Sr., Karen: Uh huh?
Randy: You know. About... God, and stuff.
Gary Sr.: Oooh... Oh boy... you think we were trying to convert him.
Randy: Well, I...
Gary Sr.: Oh, Mr. Marsh, I am sooo sorry.
Karen: We just moved here from Utah and we're so used to everyone being Mormon that we... Oh, we forget not everyone wants to hear about it. Oh boy, you must be furious!
Randy: Well, no, no, I just...
Gary Sr.: You just heard your son talking about religious ideals that aren't your own and you said "Who the heck do these people think they are?!" I I'm really, truly sorry, Mr. Marsh. It won't happen again.
Randy: Y-you can call me... Randy.
Karen: Randy, the last thing we want is for people to think we're pushing our religion. We know there are a lot of beliefs out there and ours just works for us.
Gary Sr.: To each his own, right?
Randy: Yeah. Yeah! You know, to be honest, I've never known any Mormons. I, don't even know what you people believe. Who was this Joseph Smith guy? Why did he believe that Native Americans are actually white people from Jerusalem?
Gary Sr.: Well, because they found ancient books they had written on gold plates, right where the angel Moroni said they would be.
Scene Description: The Early 1800s, day, a small town. People mill around.
Smith: I found them! I found them! [people turn and look, and he stops] You're not gonna believe it, everybody! I found them!
Butler: Found what?
Smith: Another New Testament of Jesus Christ!
People: What? What did he say? Are you crazy?
Smith: Last night, a Native America angel told me where I could find another testament of Jesus Christ, so I went out to the woods. I dug around all morning where the angel had told me to look. [a shot of Smith digging yet another hole].
Smith: Maybe there isn't anything out here. [strikes something hard] Wait a tick! [throws the shovel off to the side] What's this? [starts digging and find a tiny coffin, then removes the lid] Wow...
Smith: [back to the story] Inside the stone box, I found the magical seer stones. Under that, I found four gold plates written in strange writing [he lifts up two of them].
Smith: This must be the Gospel that Jesus told the Nephites!
Smith: Well, they were the most amazing things I'd ever gazed upon.
Man: [middle-aged] Well, so where are they?
Smith: Where are what?
Woman: The gold plates and the seer stones. Where are they?
Smith: Oh, well, I... was not allowed to take them. You see, after I found the plates, the angel Moroni appeared to me again and said that I am not allowed to show the plates, or the seer stones, to anybody. Because first I must translate what's written on the plates into English, so you can all read it!
Singers: Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb.
People: Wow, amazing!
Singers: He found the stones and golden plates Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb Even though nobody else ever saw them Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb
Scene Description: The Marsh house. Sharon and Shelly are at their spots, Stan sits on the couch, all three watch TV. Randy returns with a Book of Mormon in hand.
Sharon: So, how'd it go, Clubber Lange? You kicked Mr. Harrison's ass?
Randy: Not exactly. We're uh, having their family over for dinner tomorrow night.
Stan: See? That's what happened to me!
Randy: Sharon, did you know this guy Joseph Smith found a new testament to the Bible buried here in America?
Sharon: What are you talking about?
Randy: Well it's just that... the Harrisons are really nice people and... you should see how loving and together their family is. I, I think there's something to that religion.
Stan: That's what they made me think, too!
Randy: All right, that does it. From now on, our family is Mormon!
Scene Description: The neighborhood, day. In front of Kyle's house Kyle, Kenny and Cartman are tossing a football around. Stan arrives. Cartman catches the football and approaches Stan.
Cartman: Hey Stan, how was your date last night with the new kid?
Stan: Shut up, dude. They're a nice family and... Gary is actually really smart and talented.
Cartman: [cooing] Aww, you guys. I think Stan's in love.
Kyle: Yeah. Did you make out with him, too?
Stan: What's the big deal? Can't I have other friends? You guys should give Gary a chance.
Gary: [arrives] Hey Stan.
Cartman: Ohhh, here's Stan's little girlfriend now.
Gary: Hey guys. Stan, I remember you said last night that you'd lost your wallet, so I made you a new one. [hands Stan a brown leather wallet] I carved a picture of John Elway into the leather on the front.
Stan: Wow, you made this?
Cartman: [playing it up] Awww, look at them. Aren't they so cute together?
Gary: Hey! My family's on their way over to the fire station to donate blood. You wanna come along? [Cartman gags.]
Stan: Uh, I don't think so, Gary. I have to uh... [a car horn is heard]
Gary: Oh here comes my family now!
The Harrisons: Hey you guys! [they get out of the car]
Karen: Look, we painted our faces! [they laugh]
Mark: I'm a lion. [scratches the air like a lion might]
Jenny: I'm an alien. [green face paint]
Gary Sr.: Hey, just what the heck am I supposed to be? [they laugh]
Cartman: Oh my God...
Dave: [a piglet] You gonna come with us to the fire station, Stan?
Stan: [fumbling about] Uh, no. I've got a lot to do.
Gary Sr.: Well... Gary, you wanna just hang out with your friend Stan?
Gary: Oh. Well, I'd like to, but... Oh man, I would miss you guys so much!
Mark: We'd miss you too, Gary. Heh.
Karen: Aw, we'll all see each other tonight when we go to Stan's house for dinner. Stay and play with your friend, Gary.
Gary Sr.: Yeah. Have a good time, boys. [the family laughs and gets inside the car]
Mark: Let's go. [the doors close and they drive off] Our faces are painted. [more laughter]
Kyle: Wow!
Gary: So what do you guys wanna do?
Cartman: [backs away a bit with Kyle and Kenny] Uh, that's cool. We're gonna leave you two lovebirds alone. The three of us have to go put in some volunteer work at the homeless shelter. [looks at the other two. All three move off to their left and leave]
Gary: Oh cool! I'm gonna do that tomorrow.
Cartman: Eeheehee, Jesus Christ. [an awkward moment between Gary and Stan follows]
Gary: So hey, I heard your dad came over last night and he and my dad talked about Joseph Smith. That's great!
Stan: [turns right and walks. Gary walks alongside] Yeah. I had a question about that Joseph Smith guy.
Gary: Sure.
Stan: What happened after he found the golden plates buried in the ground?
Gary: Well, he kept them hidden from everyone like he was told. And then he translated what was written on the plates into the Book of Mormon.
Stan: Yeah, but... how?
Scene Description: Back to the 1800s, night. Joseph Smith and another man walk up into the attic of a large building.
Singers: Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb
Man: What's this all about, Mr. Smith?
Smith: Mr. Harris, can you keep a secret?
Harris: Well, sure I can.
Smith: I have, in my possession, an ancient book written on gold plates that tells of Jesus Christ's second coming. Here, in America.
Harris: In America? [scratches his head] Really? That sounds kind of...
Singers: Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb
Smith: It's true. And I'm going to translate the plates and publish it into a book for the whole world to read. Now, ahah-I know you have a lot of money, Mr. Harris, and I'm just gonna need a little bit to pay for the publishing costs.
Harris: Mmm, I don't know. Uh, how do you expect to translate it?
Smith: With these. [presents the seer stones]
Harris: Rocks?
Smith: They're not rocks. They're seer stones, given to me by an angel. With them, God allowed me to translate the plates into English. Watch. You take this quill and paper and write down what I say. Sit here. [on the floor, by some sheets of paper and a quill pen in an ink well] I have the golden plates here in this hat. I need to have them somewhere dark so I can read the spiritual light.
Harris: Really?
Smith: Now, when I put the seer stones into the hat, the ancient letter light up and change into English, which I can then read to you.
Harris: Wow! [Smith looks down and lowers his head so the face is buried in the hat]
Smith: Ooo, I'm seeing the light. Oh, okay. Write this down. "And... so... it... was... that... Christ... appeared before... the... Nephites."
Singers: And that's how the Book of Mormon was written Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb Dumb dadumb dumb dumb dumb dumb Dumb dadumb dumb dumb dumb dumb Dahumb dahumb dumb dumb dumb dumb Dumb dumb dumb dumb duuumb, duuumb.
Scene Description: The Marsh house, night. At the dining table they're playing the same board game the Harrisons were playing a few nights before: "LIVING".
Randy: One two three four. "Pay one thousand dollars property tax." [pays the property tax] Isn't this great, you guys? Our first Family Home Evening.
Shelly: I wanna watch TV.
Randy: We're not watching TV! We're Mormons now and we're having Family Home Evening!
Stan: Dad, did you know that that Joseph Smith guy read the Book of Mormon out of a hat?
Randy: And? [to Sharon] Your turn, Sharon.
Stan: It's just that... the Book of Mormon says a lot of strange stuff, like that Adam and Eve lived in Jackson County, Missouri.
Randy: Yes.
Stan: But school taught me that the first man and woman lived in Africa.
Randy: Well you can't believe everything school tells you, Stan. Your turn, Shelly. [the doorbell rings] Oooo, that must be the Harrisons! [rises and goes to the front door. He opens and the Harrisons walk in with enthusiasm, chatting away]
Gary: Hey everybody.
Mark: [walks around] Wow, what a great house!
Karen: [walks up to Sharon] You must be Mrs. Marsh; it's so nice to meet you!
Jenny: [walks up to Shelly] And you must be Stan's sister. Oh, I think your brother's the greatest.
Shelly: My brother is a stupid turd.
Gary: [walks up to Stan] Hey Stan.
Stan: [with reservations] Hey Gary.
Randy: Well, come on in and sit down, everybody. [they all settle in on the couches in the living room. Shelly avoids looking at the Harrisons] You're here just in time. My son was having a little problem with our new religion.
Stan: Dad!
Gary Sr.: Ohohoho, really? Well, that's just because he hasn't heard the best part about the Joseph Smith story! The one that proves he was for real!
The Harrisons: Yeah! Woohoo!
Randy: Ooo, what's that?
Gary Sr.: Well, you remember Martin Harris, the rich man who wrote down what Joseph Smith read out of the hat?
Stan: Yeah.
Gary Sr.: See, after he was done, he took some of the pages of what would become the Book of Mormon home.
Scene Description: Back to the 1800s, night, the large building.
Singers: Martin went home to his wife Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb And showed her pages from the Book of Mormon Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb
Harris: A-and so Joseph Smith put his head into a hat, a-and read to me what the golden plates said. I wrote it all down and we're gonna publish it into a book.
Mrs. Harris: Martin, how do you know he isn't just making stuff up and pretending he's translating off golden plates?
Singers: Lucy Harris smart smart smart Smart smart smart smart smart
Harris: Why would he make it up?
Singers: Martin Harris dumb dadumb-
Lucy: All right, here. I'm gonna hide these pages. [puts them in a drawer at the bottom end of an armoir] If Joseph Smith really is translating off of golden plates, then he'll be able to do it again. But if Joseph Smith is making it all up, then the new translations will be different from these.
Harris: Okay, fine. I bet he'll have no problem. [puts on his coat and heads out]
Singers: Lucy Harris smart smart smart Martin Harris dumb. So Martin went on back to Smith Said the pages had gone away Smith got mad and told Martin He needed to go pray Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb
Harris: [upon Smith's return] Look, ah I'm sorry about losin' the pages we worked on, Joe, but I'm ready to write it all down again if you translate from the plates.
Smith: I would love to, Martin, except, I just had a vision. And the Lord said he's very angry with me for letting you take those pages.
Harris: [gasps] He is??
Singers: Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb
Smith: Yes. He is so mad that he will never let me translate from the plate of Lehi again. He's... we must now translate from the plate of Nephi. So it will be the same basic story, but written a little differently.
Harris: Wow! If God got angry with you, then you must be tellin' the truth.
Singers: Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb.
Harris: All right, Martin. Let's get to work! [Smith reads from the hat again and dictates to Harris, who writes it all down]
Scene Description: Back to the present, the Marsh house.
Gary Sr.: And that's how it happened.
Kids: Yeah! All right! [the Marshes sit there without a word to say]
Stan: ...Wait. Mormons actually know this story and they still believe Joseph Smith was a prophet?
Gary Sr.: Well sure. The story proves it, doesn't it?
Stan: No, it proves he DID make it all up. Are you blind?
Mark: Well, Stan, it's all a matter of faith.
Stan: No, it's a matter of logic! If you're gonna say things that have been proven wrong, like that the first man and woman lived in Missouri, and that Native Americans came from Jerusalem, then you'd better have something to back it up. All you've got are a bunch of stories about some asswipe who read plates nobody ever saw out of a hat, and then couldn't do it again when the translations were hidden!
Randy: Hey, Stan, don't denounce our religion.
Stan: [crosses his arms] I don't wanna be Mormon, Dad!
Shelly: Me neither.
Gary: Hey, that's only cool, guys. You can believe whatever you want!
Gary Sr.: Yeah, it's great you have your own beliefs.
Gary: Yeah! Hooray for the Marshes!
Stan: Oh, stop it! [stands up] That's another thing! Why do you have to be so freakin' nice all the time?! It isn't normal! You just weasel people into your way of thinking by acting like the happiest family in the world and being so nice to everyone that you just blindside dumb people like my Dad!
Randy: Yeah! [moments later they are standing outside, and the door is slammed on their faces. They turn around, and Gary Sr. sighs]
Gary Sr.: Well kids... Who's up for a water balloon fight?!
Kids: Yeah! All right! [they leave the Marsh house in high spirits, except Gary, who looks insulted]
Scene Description: The bus stop, next day. Kyle, Cartman and Kenny wait for the bus, Stan walks up somewhat somberly.
Kyle: Oh, hey Stan. Where's your best buddy, Gary?
Stan: I'm not hanging around that kid anymore.
Cartman: [needling] Oh no! You guys broke up?
Stan: You guys were right, okay? The new kid's a douche. Now I just gotta find a way to keep him away from me.
Gary: [shows up] Hey Stan.
Stan: Oh brother.
Cartman: Uh oh, the jilted lover returns.
Gary: Listen, I just wanted to let you know you don't have to worry about me tryin' to be your friend anymore.
Stan: I don't?
Gary: Look, maybe us Mormons do believe in crazy stories that make absolutely no sense, and maybe Joseph Smith did make it all up, but I have a great life. and a great family, and I have the Book of Mormon to thank for that. The truth is, I don't care if Joseph Smith made it all up, because what the church teaches now is loving your family, being nice and helping people. And even though people in this town might think that's stupid, I still choose to believe in it. All I ever did was try to be your friend, Stan, but you're so high and mighty you couldn't look past my religion and just be my friend back. You've got a lot of growing up to do, buddy. Suck my balls. [turns around and walks off. All four boys just look at him in wonder.]
Cartman: Damn, that kid is cool, huh?